# Shall I seek professional help? I would like some advice



## mary_81 (Jun 4, 2012)

Hello everybody, I am trying to get some advice, I don't know if I should see a sexologist/therapist/doctor, I just know that I am unhappy. Making a long story short, I am a 35-year-old woman, got married early (age 24) but my marriage didn't last, my first husband abused me emotionally and physically and we got divorced. However, sex with him was always very pleasant, he was a good lover and he was very passionate. After him, I didn't manage to be in a stable relationship for a few years, but sex was good in general with the people I dated. At age 32 I met my second husband : a very loving, commited, serious and respectful man. Everything was perfect about him but sex. He is 4 years younger than me and didn't have much sexual experience before meeting me, he had only had one girlfriend and sex was only occassional among them, he tells me. At the beginning, I thought that I could teach him to make me enjoy, I started telling him what I liked, asking him what he liked and encouraging him to open up with me sexually. But I wasn't very successful. With time sex became very boring to me, and my body responded by not lubricating at all at the time of penetration, so today we have to use lubricants in order to have intercourse. We have been married for three years now and we have a one-year-old kid. Our sexual life is limited to almost daily intercourse in which after one or two kisses we reach for the lub, he penetrates me, he thrusts for less than a minute, he comes and he falls asleep. Needless to say I don't feel anything. So I have turned to porn. In the mornings, after he leaves for work, I lay in bed and watch porn and masturbate. Those are the only times in which I have orgasms. I am just wondering if living a life like this is normal. I am afraid this can go on forever, we can spend the rest of our lives like this, and I would never again enjoy sex like I used to in the past. Cheating on him if out of the question, and apart from our sexual life everything else is what I always dreamt of. Does anyone have any ideas? Shall I seek professional help? Thanks a lot in advance.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, it's not normal. Why is he not interested in your pleasure? Does he know you masturbate daily because you don't satisfy him?

C
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## mary_81 (Jun 4, 2012)

No, he doesn't know and I think that it would hurt his self-esteem if he would find out. He once commented ramdomly that sex with me had been the best of his life (?!) so I really want to be careful with what I say/do.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I have no advice except to say I feel for you. Sex without foreplay is something I would rather pass up and I love sex. You know you have to tell to him about it in the most positive way possible, as you don't want an inexperienced lover with performance anxiety too.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long did you see him before getting married? Was your sex life always like that? What happened when you tried to teach him what you needed?

Does he think you're having an orgasm when you have sex? As in, do you fake your pleasure?

At this point, I think tactful honesty is your best bet. Counseling isn't going to do anything for you personally, unless you get some input on how to talk to your husband. But if you can raise the idea that you're not satisfied sexually, maybe a sex therapist can help. You may have to hurt him to start the path of fixing this, since you've let it go so long.

C
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## mary_81 (Jun 4, 2012)

We dated and lived together for almost a year before getting married. Sex was alright, quite frequent and he seemed willing to try on new positions, to try oral sex (not only getting it but actually giving it until the end), I even convinced him to buy us a DVD of "the art of kamasutra" that I thought would also teach him about the need to "give" pleasure, which I think is his main problem. He probably thinks that he turns me on with the few kisses he gives me during the short foreplay we have every time, and eventually he would go down on me but only for a few seconds and immediately after he wants to penetrate. Sometimes I also think it has something to do with his feeling manly. He probably thinks that by having sex with his wife every night then he is a good lover. I don't fake any orgasms and I am afraid that he doesn't even wonder if I enjoy sex with him or not.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, you've made your bed... Now it's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. And yes, that may mean hurting his feelings. You could try doing it casually and slowly; try getting him to stay down there longer before starting penetration. Or you start taking more control and climbing up on him, and not getting off till you get off. But I think you'll likely have to let him know that he hasn't been doing things right for a long time. 

C
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I would try sex therapy.
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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

He only lasts a minute or two? Sounds like a case of premature ejaculation. He needs to seek help in this area too

I also agree with the others. It's time for a long overdue talk. Tell him like you told us. "Honey, you know I love everthing about you and I couldn't imagine life without you but......"


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## mary_81 (Jun 4, 2012)

Hello,
First of all thank you for reading my post and commenting on the thread. I have to say that it is amazing that these forums exist and that one has the chance to discuss openly these very intimate situations with other people that are willing to listen and to give advice. I agree with dafodilly when he says that my husband must be genuinely clueless : I think it is the case, and I think that his ex never dared to complain because she probably was satisfied in all the other areas and thought that sex was not such a big deal. I think that the suggestion to try sex therapy for both of us is a very good idea, cause indeed he might have a problem of premature ejaculation, sometimes in which I have been turned on I have asked him to wait for me to come and he can't make it. In the long term what this has caused is my total lack of interest towards sex with him, and if we have intercourse is more for my desire to please him and make him feel good, but totally forgetting about myself and my own pleasure. Of course I still have sexual desire and needs, just not related to him anymore cause I sort of "gave up on him" as a source of sexual pleasure. I think I am going to talk to him about the fact that I don't feel any sexual desire anymore and that we might seek help as a couple by means of a sex therapy. I guess the counsellor can help me say things in the most diplomatic possible way and also help us with his premature ejaculation problem. That would be a start.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mary,

What ever you do, DON"T use words like this when you talk to him

" Of course I still have sexual desire and needs, just not related to him anymore cause I sort of "gave up on him" as a source of sexual pleasure. I think I am going to talk to him about the fact that I don't feel any sexual desire anymore"


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

You need to tread lightly here, I am a man 38, married 12 years, and I know what I am talking about. I agree with everyone that you need to tell him, but I don’t think therapist is needed, not yet. You need to schedule a sit down and have a general discussion about sex with him. Make up some BS where you have a mid-life crisis or your hormones are acting up and the old way of making love isn’t working anymore. This way it isn’t his fault and he needs to change. I know my wife’s body like the back of my hand, she can’t fake it with me, your man doesn’t know anything and it’s because he lacks experience. Men love to see their woman masturbate even when it’s to porn. Ask him to join you, tell him it’s a fantasy that you have and when he does, he will see how you come and what he needs to do. Tease him in your love making, don’t let him grab the lube, make him work; you don’t realize how much power you have. Another option is make up some BS that the lube is burning you and he needs to make you wet, naturally. Don’t let him cum, he will go crazy and do anything you ask. Stretch this out as much as you can, then ask him to cum on you, offer anal, have him penetrate you, then blow him, lick you breast, this man will be dying to get in your bed again on your terms. Once he asks for it, do things on your terms don’t let this be known, but women have all the power in the bedroom. He can’t and won’t resist. If he cums too quick, that’s fine, give him a 1-2 minute breather and then it’s time to go again, make him work. Any man can do this, men can come 3-4 times in one session NP, if he penetrates you quickly after the first cum, sometimes the penis will become numb and very hard and he could go all night. Don’t give up on your man and watch his feeling, that’s why I suggest excuses, men are soft that way. If you play your cards right, you can turn this around and be perfect all around. Good luck.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with Cub's advice. Be careful of his ego; you don't want him shutting down on you sexually if he thinks that you are demeaning him. Take the lead; show him what you want. Do not let him penetrate too early, or re-engage him if he does. Show him rather than telling him is much more effective so that you maintain a good relationship.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I think the best approach might be to tell him that you are experiencing some changes (hormonal, mid-life, etc.), and that you are struggling with it, and you think that as a couple you may need some professional help sorting it all out.

Seek the services of a marriage counselor who also has credentials as a sex therapist. That way, you can get to the root (no pun intended) of the issues, and it doesn't come off looking like he is the sole problem/source of the issues.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

My .02:

You need to talk about it with him or it won't get better.

Tell him, gently, with lots of praise. Sandwich the changes you would like to see with lots of compliments about things he does well in and out of the sack on either side of the message you need to get across.

Your middle message:

"Sex with you is great for me, but I am having lube problems. I think the lube problems would go away and I would find sex to be a LOT HOTTER if we changed up some things. Why don't we try (insert your needs here)"


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

All these suggestions to lie and put on the kid gloves so not to hurt his widdle feelings and spare his pathetic ego is amazing to me. When it's a woman, the suggestions are NEVER so gentle or careful or understanding. Women are ripped to pieces when the man comes here complaining. Very interesting.

Mary 81, don't fool yourself thinking he is clueless. You already told him and taught him what you like, didn't you? Then he knows. 
And no, he does not wonder if you enjoy sex with him. He doesn't care if you do or not. No one on earth could be so clueless as to be taught, told, and rehearsed and still not know......unless you married a complete moron. 

I wonder also why you think his ex didn't complain. Just like you, she tried too and probably gave up like you did. Whatever reason he gave you for his marriage ending was more than likely a lie or half truth at most. No one ever divulges the real reason(s) especially when THEY were the real problem. I assure you his sorry love making had plenty to do with it (unless her passing away is what ended the marriage). There is no reason to think any other woman is not at least like you in not wanting and not appreciating just being his vessel, piece of furniture, and appliance. 

How could you, yourself, be so clueless to think these things?

When you talk to him, suggest viagra or cialis to help with his PE problem. They will keep the blood flowing to the area so he is able to either remain erect or will be able to get another erection with a very brief refractory period. I was told cialis is more controllable. Maybe he could try both to see which one he likes more. 

For his problems with intimacy and technique, a sex therapist can teach him better than you. It's not that you didn't teach him well enough. It's a matter of not wanting to please you and not caring about pleasing his wife. That his wife is the one who teaches him and expects him to perform for her sake would be less effective. There is something about an awful lot of men that makes them ignore their wife. Usually, they ignore her talking and complaining about things that concern every day life, like taking out the garbage, cleaning the garage, spending time with her/his family, or when she complains of how he makes her feel. Those types of men make their wife complain about things over and over on a regular basis, while they ignore her concerns and then call her a nag. Although these complaints don't usually extend to their performance in the bedroom (that's THE one place men are willing to listen and perform because it's also for themselves), this seems to be the area that has most affected your husband. He.Does.Not.Care about your pleasure in bed. If he did, he would at least go down on you knowing he is the minute man. And, speaking of minute man, I dated one once. Although there was no way I was going to even consider marrying him (gave a really good excuse when he proposed), I do know he tried at least. You know your husband doesn't even try. Translation - He.Does.Not.Care.


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## mary_81 (Jun 4, 2012)

My husband wasn't married before, it was me that was married before to a man that was amazing in bed but a complete retarded in all the other aspects of his personality. Eleven years ago, when I married my first husband I thought the same that you think, that I would never marry someone uncapable of satisfying me in bed. But today I think differently. I realized that sex was a complement to our partnership, but not the main part. My husband might be completely clueless in bed, but he is there for me always and anytime. He is someone I want to grow old with, and for that I married him. I want to help him become a better lover, and I don't want to masturbate in front of a computer screen anymore, for that I am looking for advice and I will probably look for professional help soon.


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## jambo5 (May 29, 2012)

Your 1 year old is more important than your sex life. I personally would do everything I can to make the sex relationship work, and I would be blunt with him. But, worse comes to worse, I'd put my sex life in the back seat and raise my 1 year old and enjoy my family. Kids needs come first.


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