# Love my life, can't trust my wife



## Nohopeforvictims (Oct 21, 2013)

So my wife did the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the one thing we both always despised and talked about how hurtful and destructive it was. It wasn't a one time mistake, it went on for months until I caught her and confronted her with proof. Now she wants nothing but to make it up to me. She has made huge changes in our relationship but most of the time I can only look at her in disgust. We have spent years creating an amazing life together, I am so fortunate in every other aspect of my life. I have been trying for months to move on and just enjoy all the other positives in my life. I want to convince myself constantly that I can be happy despite her. I've evaluated our lives and everything we have worked for and created and there is no doubt that if I leave her, I lose it all. I feel like I'm choosing between having everything except a spouse I love or having nothing with maybe a chance to find a better relationship. It seems to all point to unhappiness.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Nohopeforvictims said:


> So my wife did the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the one thing we both always despised and talked about how hurtful and destructive it was. It wasn't a one time mistake, it went on for months until I caught her and confronted her with proof.


I'm so sorry, especially because you had both discussed it often. 


> Now she wants nothing but to make it up to me. She has made huge changes in our relationship but most of the time I can only look at her in disgust.


How long has it been since D-Day? R is a very painful process. I think the general consensus is that it takes a year to just get your head around what has happened. Your life has been turned upside down. The actions of your WS hugely influences the outcome. It would seem she is doing that right at least.


> I want to convince myself constantly that I can be happy despite her.


That is very understandable. But if you are focusing on it too much perhaps it has become a barrier to your healing. Have you been to IC or MC?


> I've evaluated our lives and everything we have worked for and created and there is no doubt that if I leave her, I lose it all. I feel like I'm choosing between having everything except a spouse I love or having nothing with maybe a chance to find a better relationship. It seems to all point to unhappiness.


Will you really lose it all? Do you have children? Do you mean you would have to sell your home/business etc? Are you beginning to think you are not in love with her any more i.e. you said "everything except a spouse I love".
You sound very distressed. I am sure you will get some good advice from the many wise posters on here.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I totally understand where you're at. I'm trying to make sense of my own life, my marriage, everything I've worked so very hard for. Searching for real forgiveness, but it is not easy. I feel like I'm in a lose/lose situation, and in didn't choose it. If I can forgive, then staying might become palatable. I continue to work on my self, my shortcomings, my self defeating behaviours. I've recently picked up this book : http://www.amazon.ca/Living-Loving-...7555422?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1382324840&sr=1-2 , it seems helpful.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

So its fear not love. Perfect recipe for failure. And she knew youd stay because of it.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Love comes out of trust, dude.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Make her wanna leave---move all family finances into an acct with only your name on it----cut off any CC she has

Tell her as of now she is responsible for paying half of each and every bill, including mtg, car, all insurances, necessities of living, everything

If she is not working, demand she get a job so she can pay her half, 

File for a separation, she will get to stay in the house, but demand she live in a small room somewhere in the house with all her clothes and cosmetics in that room

Live as roommates---just plain make it so she will be the one who wants out---than dictate your terms for property settlement, and child custody

Also demand she sign a post--nup, with a DURESS CLAUSE---giving you a favorable 75/25 split if she violates the stipulations in the agreement

There are ways to make it so uncomfortable she will not wanna stay with you, and she will give you concessions to get out


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

I am not sure where you are at the moment. Are you separated or divorced or still living together.
Your wife seems to want you to forgive her. When you say huge changes do you mean for the better or the opposite.
You dont tell us how many years you have 'spent'.

It really is up to you. Do you think she will do it again. Did she have any reason to do it. You will have to make up your mind what you want.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you have to be honest with yourself about something. Can you live with yourself, maintain your self-respect and not have a permanently damaged ego if you take her back and let her get away scott free with humiliating you? For me this is the bottom line. Is keeping the life you are accustom to worth the price of being played by your wife. If it were me, the answer is no, she would have to pay dearly for her transgression.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Nohopeforvictims said:


> So my wife did the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the one thing we both always despised and talked about how hurtful and destructive it was. It wasn't a one time mistake, it went on for months until I caught her and confronted her with proof. Now she wants nothing but to make it up to me. She has made huge changes in our relationship but most of the time I can only look at her in disgust. We have spent years creating an amazing life together, I am so fortunate in every other aspect of my life. I have been trying for months to move on and just enjoy all the other positives in my life. I want to convince myself constantly that I can be happy despite her. I've evaluated our lives and everything we have worked for and created and there is no doubt that if I leave her, I lose it all. I feel like I'm choosing between having everything except a spouse I love or having nothing with maybe a chance to find a better relationship. It seems to all point to unhappiness.


Was your relationship good prior to her affair? 

I think if you absolutely cannot stand your wife, you would divorce. So, life is bearable but far from desirable.

Regarding chance to find a better relationship... You may find or you may not...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

What I can say is this. 

When someone is looking to make changes it is real easy to beat them up emotionally and verbally. 

BUT

The minute THEY decide to leave you start to realize *"OH SH!T, I DON'T WANT THEM TO GO"*

Make sure this is what you really, really want, because you will look retarded when she says *"You know, you're right. We can't fix this. I'm gonna move out.."* and then you start looking for ways to keep her from leaving. 

Look, my wife faked reconciling for 4 months. Even though there were red flags she made me believe _( because I wanted to believe, being a fool in love ) _and the counselor it was all just coincidences. In the end when she finally got caught and told me she was leaving it was *DEVASTATING*. 

Granted now I can clearly see, for me and my relationship with her it was the best thing. As much as I might love my Ex, I know there is nothing in the world she could do to ever fix this. 

But I didn't see it then. Back then, 10 ( almost 11 ) short months ago I just wanted to die, straight and simple. I didn't care about my kids or anything. I could barely function as a human being. 

Having gone through this 4 times already with my soon to be Ex. Just make completely sure what you want at the end of this journey. Don't push her away and then be surprised she takes you up on it is all I am saying.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

What is your story? What is she doing to help you?

Has she gone NC? Has she become transparent for you about her activities?

She did so much for her AP to lie and cheat. What is she doing for you now?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are still in limbo. You are not dealing with the pain of all this. Once you do I believe you will find yourself in a better spot to make decisions.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

I am sorry you are here. Your pain is palpable.

In spite of your current disgust for your wife's bad choices, the tone of your posting suggests there is something to save.

How about you both go to marital counseling? If it works, you might be able to get past this and enjoy your reconciliation and "new" marriage.

If it doesn't work, at least you tried. 

My best to you through this difficult time.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here and the turmoil is part of this pain she inflicted on your marriage.

You have not shared much, is she remorseful, did she come clean on everything or did you have to dig, are you in MC and how is that going? Did you expose the A and how did she react?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nohopeforvictims said:


> So my wife did the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the one thing we both always despised and talked about how hurtful and destructive it was. It wasn't a one time mistake, it went on for months until I caught her and confronted her with proof. Now she wants nothing but to make it up to me. She has made huge changes in our relationship but most of the time I can only look at her in disgust. We have spent years creating an amazing life together, I am so fortunate in every other aspect of my life. I have been trying for months to move on and just enjoy all the other positives in my life. I want to convince myself constantly that I can be happy despite her. I've evaluated our lives and everything we have worked for and created and there is no doubt that if I leave her, I lose it all. I feel like I'm choosing between having everything except a spouse I love or having nothing with maybe a chance to find a better relationship. It seems to all point to unhappiness.


It takes 2-5 years to recover from an affair. You have hardly started in this process.

Have you been to any counseling, marriage and/or individual?

You say that you were happy with your marriage until you found out about her affair.

Was she happy? Did she talk about things that she was not happy with?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Get out of limbo. People love to say "you don not have to make a decision now", but i disagree. The most valuable asset in history is time. This place is loaded with people still in limbo, never really staying or leaving. The people who are decisive are the ones who survive, whether they d or r.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Make her wanna leave---move all family finances into an acct with only your name on it----cut off any CC she has
> 
> Tell her as of now she is responsible for paying half of each and every bill, including mtg, car, all insurances, necessities of living, everything
> 
> ...


You are funny. You live in fantasy land. Your advice is about as realistic as expecting to see Jimmy Hoffa in Dancing with the stars!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Seriously Walter, you seem to lurk here for the sole purpose of insulting others' advice, when ONCE AGAIN, THIS is sound, solid advice! Instead of crapping on someone else's advice, why dont you share YOUR advice with the OP?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say if you leave her, you lose literally everything. What does this mean? The house, cars, business, relationship with children? What is everything to you?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You cannot put a price on peace of mind or self respect. Both are easier kept then recovered.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

illwill said:


> You cannot put a price on peace of mind or self respect. Both are easier kept then recovered.


Truer words were never spoken!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I noticed your post on another thread:

_". . . I think the real question is how do we get through these *really difficult* times, and make the *good/manageable* times last?"
_
I suppose it depends how often it is 'really difficult'. Sounds like it's more than once a year and I wish you didn't have the 'really' in there.
I also wish you didn't have the 'manageable' in there.


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