# New need advice



## OfficerT (Oct 26, 2018)

Hello, I'm a 33 year old man who has been married for seven years to an amazing women. Here's my story:

We got married seven years ago and had out first of three children two years into the marriage. After having the first child, I did not take the responsibilities well or pull my fair share around the house (cleaning, kids stuff, etc..) I know I was at fault and spent most of my time home watching TV or on my iPad while my wife would be doing thing (I was a dead beat). I would always say, "I will do it, but on my time." and her being a go getter and not a waiter, would just do it herself. 

Anyway over time we became more and more disconnected, I really didn't notice despite her saying sometimes, "can you put the iPad down and talk?" or her telling me I don't show appreciation enough or tell her I love her enough. I shrugged it off and never really knew how to do those things, they all felt awkward to me. The thing I did notice was that our sex life had slacked way off, which I chalked up to having small kids and her having a demanding job. So basically I ignored the signs and failed miserably at being a good dad and husband. 


So fast forward through all that, I got home from, work three weeks ago and notice that she had two texts from a man I didn't recognize. I then woke her up and confronted her and looked at her message history and found that she met the guy (who lived in another state and is twenty years older than her) had been messaging and facetiming her for 2-3 weeks. The messages were very flirty and she seemed like she enjoyed his conversations. I was devastated, angry and hurt.. I had so many thoughts going through my mind at the time I found out. At first I couldn't figure out why and she wouldn't say much... So the next day I spoke to her cousin because he had made it through infidelity of his wife. He recommended that I just ask her to lay out why she did it all on the table so I can know what the issues are if I want to work it out. 


So I then spoke to her and she opened out and boy did she let it pour... She told me about all the above of me not helping or her not feeling loved or appreciated. she said that she started to feel the disconnect five years ago and things along the way like me saying mean things to her during heated arguments and not changing when she said things to me really made her feel disconnected from our relationship. She told me that she felt that she was living on her own and that if I left she could make it even though she still "loved" me. 


So I thought about that the entire night and really took a hard look at the man I was. It really opened my eyes and I didn't know what to do so I turned to the Bible. I read what a man is suppose to be in a marriage to his wife and children and I prayed about it. The next day we went to church and the message was RIGHT AT ME.. the preacher actually preached on that very thing and hit me right in the gut even more. It hit me hard, I went to the alter and prayed and turned it over to God. I decided from that point on, I'm not going to be the same lazy, deadbeat guy who didn't show his wife appreciation or affection anymore. 

that was now two weeks ago, I haven't even had a desire to set on the iPad or be lazy. I've been spending time with the kids and helping around the house. I'm actually really enjoying it and feel better about myself. This is truly the new me and I'm loving it. But, since then not much has changed with my wife.. she deleted the guy and blocked his number.. She has been totally transparent with me. But she is still disconnected, I know it will take time for her to really believe my change is 'real' but I ask her answers to questions and don't really get answers and its frustrating me beyond belief. I don't know what to do or say, one min it seems good the next not so much..

here are the big issues I would love advice on:

1. I've been complimenting her and get the same replies that I have always got, "I'm not that great' or "thanks." I never got the replies that the 'other guy' got.. He would compliment her and she would send a heart or say "your so sweet" all the cute stuff. I asked her why and basically got the "I dunno why" answer. Its very discouraging when she wont accept compliments from me. Do I just keep doing it because they really are from the heart.

2. I told her that I admire her and thing she's an awesome women who makes me want to be a better man... she actually came out and told me that it bothered her I said I wanted to be a better man because "why now?" "why seven years later?" all I can say is that this "incident" forced me to really look at myself and who I really was. I don't know what else to say?

3. She says I've been doing what she wants these past two weeks and if I done it all along there would have been no problems.. Yet she tells me she still loves me, but still feels disconnected and don't know why... I told her that I've been reading a lot of advice for people in my situation and its helping me under stand what I need to do to fix it.. is there anything a spouse in her shoes could read for advice on reconnecting to someone they lost it with for an extended time? 

4. Should I cont. to do what I'm doing and not ask her things anymore? I know I'm mostly at fault here and just want to be a better man for her and the kids... I want a loving relationship with my wife and just wonder if I'm doing it right to get that? I can't change the past just like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict or criminal ANYONE can change for the better and I know I'm going to work daily to improve on being a better husband and father AND Christian. any advice to help me along this process? Thanks 


*Sorry for the long post, I could have made it triple this amount, but this is the gist of everything. *


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

OfficerT said:


> Hello, I'm a 33 year old man who has been married for seven years to an amazing women. Here's my story:
> 
> We got married seven years ago and had out first of three children two years into the marriage. After having the first child, I did not take the responsibilities well or pull my fair share around the house (cleaning, kids stuff, etc..) I know I was at fault and spent most of my time home watching TV or on my iPad while my wife would be doing thing (I was a dead beat). I would always say, "I will do it, but on my time." and her being a go getter and not a waiter, would just do it herself.
> 
> ...


Look brother, you are being a fool. Do you get that? 

Yes you were a moron, and you made mistakes. But hey dumbass, YOUR FREAKING wife is having an affair. Get it.

What is more, if you are a cop, you are not very bright. What she did is what they all do, turn it around on you, it is YOUR fault that she is cheating. And BTW, what do you think they are doing when the face time. 

I can tell you what me and my GF do on face time when we cannot be together. 

What is more, like a good little boy, you just took her crap and said OK dear, you go ahead and cheat and I will wash the dishes...

You have no idea what has been deleted, you have no idea how long it has been going on. And you said a couple of guys and we are hearing about one. You have no idea if she has been sleeping with him or someone else.

You being an inattentive husband, which is stupid, is a reason for her to divorce you, not have an affair or multiple affairs. 

You need to wake up and put on your detective hat. Read the standard evidence post on here, and keep your mouth shut until you KNOW what EXACTLY is going on. 

Yes you need to start being a real husband and father, NOW you also need to figure out what has been going on. 

AND DON'T talk to her about it until you know something.

Does any of this make sense???????


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You've clearly Illustrated the ways you fell short, as well as the ways you were trying to become a better husband and man.

That said, while you own a large portion of the conditions that led her to cheat, you own 0% of her choice to actually do so.

Let's flip the script for just a moment. Let's say 3 months from now, you are in the exact same position as today. Based on her choices, it should be okay for you to cheat as well, correct? After all, isn't she doing the exact same thing to you that she was complaining about earlier? Do you see the flaw in the logic?

Bovine excrement. 

Do not allow her to blame you for the affair. That is purely on her shoulders. When she gets mad at you, and tells you this is your fault, emphatically reinforced the fact that whilr you may have neglected her, she could have chosen to divorce rather than offer her self up sexually through electronic devices to another man.

What are you actually doing to ensure there is transparency? She seems to have all of the power to hold you accountable...what about her?

Your choice with your wife is to both get better together, or for you to get better apart. This must be your stance, or what little respect your wife has for you will never be restored.

Do not let guilt or fear allow you to compromise what's important. In other words, love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the Intolerable.

Lastly, you are going to have to think of a long-term timeline. What if your situation does not change in 3 months, 6 months, or a year? Are you still willing to try and save this? Set a hard deadline for when you will pull the plug if things have not changed.

Keep posting. I promise you this will get worse before it gets better.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moved to coping with infidelity section.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hoping you caught this before she 1) completely fell in love with this guy and 2) gave herself to him sexually.

It's possible this is the case. But you need to find out.

If true, then really, you just need to give this some time. Keep doing what you are doing. A couple of weeks of changed behavior is good but it doesn't erase what was likely a much longer period of her despair. It will take a longer time. Don't expect immediate capitulation from your wife.

But if 1 and/or 2 happened, then YOU need to decide whether you can take HER back, and work on your marriage.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

OfficerT, so sorry that you are here, you now belong to the club no one wants to be a member of. Person who's spouse had/having an affair. Let that soak in.......... your wife is/was having an affair. She has told another man that she loves him, maybe she has slept with him, maybe not, but she wants to........


Keep rereading the first paragraph, until it sinks in. Yes you havent been the worlds best father/husband, but the AFFAIR is all on her! You didnt break your vows, she did. Own your s*** but only your's.

Many will be along to give you advice, people better at it then me. Take care of yourself, and your kids.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What the hell is she doing to make she she doesn't continue to have affairs...it works both ways here and you accept anything less then 100 commitment on her part than you might as well divorce. Has she stopped all communication with the guy is the guy married and did you tell his wife? stop and get your head out of your butt.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think you have to be a little realistic here.

By your own admission, you were a lazy, uncaring, non-participating member of the family who contributed *nothing* at home while your wife worked her ass off every single day - both inside and outside the house. And what was her reward for that? Being treated like the scullery maid, wet nurse and nanny, and being treated like a second class citizen undeserving of love, concern or respect from you. Every woman's dream. 

And you were perfectly fine with taking advantage of her for _years_ and would have *continued* treating her like crap indefinitely had you not made that discovery a couple weeks ago and realized you had something to LOSE for that treatment. It was only when it affected YOU did you have this sudden "epiphany" and found God, much like lots of prisoners do when they're thrown in jail and have nowhere else to turn. They 'find' God. Until they're released, that is. Then a lot of them mysteriously forget all about God which is exactly what I predict YOU'LL do once you're secure once more in your marriage and she's no longer involved with this guy. I think this dog and pony show you've been putting on for her will go by the wayside once you're no longer feeling insecure.

You can sugarcoat it all you like with pretty words about how you've suddenly realized how horribly she must have felt all these years and how undeserving she was of your crap treatment, but the truth is, you're doing this for yourself because *you* have something to lose.

Make no mistake - that didn't entitle her to do what she did. Personally, I think she should have left you years ago but instead, she chose to stay and eventually let some older guy give her the attention she was craving. What she did was wrong.

But I think what really amazes me the MOST is that you actually think you can erase *7 years of **** treatment* just like that, simply because you dragged her to church, have suddenly 'found' God, and you're acting like someone else for a whole two weeks.



> I told her that I admire her and thing she's an awesome women who makes me want to be a better man...


Did she laugh when you quoted this movie line to her? I did when I read it. 



> Yet she tells me she still loves me, but still feels disconnected and don't know why..


How could she not know why? *I* know why and it's only from reading the ONE post you wrote. Geez, it's not rocket science. If you continually treat someone like the hired help who isn't WORTHY of you doing your share around the house and isn't WORTHY of your love and respect, what on earth do you *think* is going to happen? 



> I want a loving relationship with my wife and just wonder if I'm doing it right to get that?


You didn't want that for 7 years and yet you think 2 measly weeks of good behavior - and only because you feel threatened that she could move on without you - is all it takes to erase the damage you've done? *Seriously?*

Two weeks of model behavior does not wipe out the 7 years of damage you CHOSE to inflict on your marriage. What you're not GETTING is that you *chose* to act the way you did for all those years. You were completely aware of what a **** you were being, you were completely aware that she was overworked and you didn't give a rat's ass about it and sat there ignoring her because getting to the next level on some juvenile video game took precedence over being in the present and showing her the respect she deserves. The sad truth is that you didn't care and she _knows_ it. Everything you did was by choice so you don't get to just hit the 'do over' button and 7 years of mistreatment just dissolves into thin air just because you want it to.

And THAT is the ugly truth. As I said, what she did was wrong, I am NOT justifying it in any way. But I can certainly understand why she eventually became vulnerable to the first guy who showed her a little attention.

You asked if you're doing things right and for advice. I see what you're doing as an 11th hour Hail Mary desperate attempt to suddenly be Super Husband because it benefits YOU. I see a man who neglected his wife and treated her badly for years and years and didn't give a rat's ass HOW that made her feel - until he discovered there were consequences that HE might have to pay and then suddenly, he's ALL about how she feels. 

Your whole 'performance' these past two weeks rings completely hollow and smacks of self preservation. 

Tell you what. Come back in 7 YEARS and tell us all about how the 'new you' has *continued* treating your wife the way you've suddenly begun treating her these last 2 weeks. Tell us all about how you've continued to find God and you're a better man for it. Anyone can 'change' for a few weeks or months when they *want *something, but TRUE change is only evident over the passing of time and the consistency of one's actions. Two weeks is merely a show. I suspect once you're feeling secure once more and your ego is no longer smarting from her getting attention elsewhere, this new improved 'better man' will likely fade into the woodwork.

Just my 2 cents.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First you can't expect her to start reconnecting to you in 2 weeks after 5 years of total ********* behavior on your part, it will take a long time. It sounds like the switch has flipped for you, hopefully you have the strength and stamina to stick with it. 

I do agree with both @BluesPower and @ Farsidejunkie, you need to really find out all the details of the affair and be vigilant to ensure it is not still going on. I'm not surprised she did this, I don't think cheating is ever justified but when kids are involved she probably doesn't want to blow up their world so she thought she could secretly get what she was missing from you elsewhere. Stupid thing to do and here you are. Your neglect opened the door and she chose to walk through it, she needs to take responsibility for that and take it upon herself to regain your trust.

The big question is will you ever really get over it? Will she ever regain her love and respect for you? That is impossible to predict. You both have work to do, you both need to earn forgiveness and trust. It will require a lot of work on both your parts. I'm concerned I don't get from your post that she has shown remorse, you say she has been open and transparent, but you don't say she knows how wrong she has acted. That is not a good sign, it tells me she feels totally justified in her cheating which is a major obstacle to making things right. 

I'm a person who thinks in these situations that as parents you both owe it to your kids to works your butts off and try to repair the marriage. But it will take both of you. You have just begun to show you are willing to change, if you can keep it up it will depend on her doing the same. 

She would have been justified in divorcing you after 5 years of what you described, If she doesn't take the appropriate actions on her part you will be also. 

I wish you luck.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

FYI:
The standard evidence gathering post...

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ence-post.html


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She's having an affair

It stops immediately and she goes no contact

You expose the affair to everyone including OM's spouse if he has one.

She unlocks her phone and becomes completely transparent.

She gives you a written timeline of the affair.

Anything less than this....file for divorce


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You are just operating from an emotional point right now because you don't know how to handle the situation. But you are handling things like doormat which is not going to help fix your situation. You should talk with her and tell her that you were a very poor husband and you can see why she disconnected with you, but you will not accept a relationship where she is running around with other men (if you want to play the odds then she's probably F'd others that you don't know about). So the options are to both commit to the marriage and make it one that you both value or call it quits. Then tell her you have both a counselor and a lawyer identified and you'd like either her commitment towards the marriage or an amicable divorce. Ideally she'll want the marriage and you can work towards it. Any talk from her about not knowing what she wants is her not committing to the marriage and you should then just file for D and try to do better on your next relationship.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know where he lives? How and where did they meet? Does he travel to your area? Does he work for the same company?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You read the bible, you prayed, you got your answer the very next day. I'm not religious so much, but that's impressive and I think you should stick with the message you were given and not be swayed from that by any negative posts on here.

I feel for your wife, as it looks like she had 3 children over a five year period and a demanding job.

She even told you what she needed from you emotionally and physically. 
You then chose to ignore her and not invest in your wife, marriage or family. 
I think you did cause her to look for attention elsewhere. She needed somebody to validate her worth.

But, when you say 'met' him. Do you mean she has physically met him or met him online? 

I know someone said she is using typical cheater speech and turning it back on you. But you approached her and asked her to be totally open about the problems that led her to this. So maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Although you are going through an upsetting experience, I'm impressed by your ability to see your mistakes and your willingness to be a better family man going forward.

With regard to your wife's resentment, that can take a lot of work to get rid of. Like has been said, she will be angry that it had to reach this point for you to hear her or change your ways. Why now when her heart is no longer open to you. Why couldn't you have been there when she needed you etc.

It might help to write to her, then she can look back at your words and fully absorb what you are saying. I still have a letter from my husband that I look back at sometimes even now (from when he promised to change for the better) 

Eve


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You treated your wife as a cook, housekeeper, and babysitter, She was getting from her Affair Partner what she was not getting from you, validation as a beautiful desirable woman and emotional support. She transferred her loyalty and affection to him.

She is very apprehensive of your sudden change and finds it hard to believe that it will be permanent. She was/is in an emotional affair. 

That she could sudden stop cold turkey is questionable. She probably found another way to stay in contact with him. Emotional affairs can quickly become addictive. You might need to be a detective for awhile. Do not confront her unless you find evidence of a continuing affair. 

What you have to contend with now is the infamous "I love you but am not in love with you" scenario. Your wife is no longer in love with you. She is open to attention from other men - even craves validation from other men. 

If you continue to treat her as a woman, a wife, and a partner in your marriage, she could change and begin to see you as the man she thought she married. But it will take more than two weeks. 

Good luck and be vigilant.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

As mentioned, it is unusual for someone like your wife to stop this emotional affair cold turkey. She may have done so. But it is more likely that she is contacting him some other way. Computer, iPad, email, Facebook, game apps, burner phone too name a few. You should put a VAR in her car and possibly the house t see who she is talking to. She may be contacting when driving. Everyone thinks that is safe and private. She may talk to a friend about the situation and may find out much more. Don’t worry about her privacy. There are no secrets in marriage and she is having at least an emotional affair that would have gone physical sooner or later.
Best t investigate now, quit bugging her, be a good husband and dad and investigate. No one ever finds out what is really going on right off the bat. The cheaters bible tells them to lie and trickle truth till they can’t.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

OfficerT,

You got your beating, marching orders and what-for in the previous post. This is how I see it..... 

Your actions(like you have been doing the past two weeks) will make your marriage turn around. The first step is admitting to your W that you suck as a H. Own you crap. It appears you have done this. Second is taking action as you have. Being the H she hoped for. It will take time. Third, what you have done or not done did not cause your W to seek attention elsewhere. That was your W choice. Own 50% of the marriage. Your W owns the other 50%. 

I was in your shoes(however my W was not conversing with OM, etc.). I absolutely sucked as a H. My W disconnected. D was thrown on the table. I had to stop. Really analyze myself and marriage. I made the complete 180 change to the H my hoped and prayed for. My W reconnecting did not happen overnight. It did not happen in 2 weeks. My W flat out said she needs to see the change is lasting. I made changes and kept at it. We have never been better. 

With that said, start dating your W like you did before marriage. Date nights, flowers every now and then, a simple note of appreciation and your full undivided attention in all things with your W. 

As far as the OM, your W needs to find the answer as to why she sought out this attention. It was not your doing. You need to assure NC with OM is in fact as your W states....NC. 

Keep posting.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

In any marriage - neglect doesn't force anyone to cheat - SHE decided that was her solution and made many decisions to do it that way.

There is NO WAY to fix a marriage while an affair is happening.


So she either quits contacting him completely or you file for divorce! You need to lay those choices out to her now.

She's cheating! She needs to be willing to repair that damage she has caused.

You continue repairing what you caused.

But make no mistake - not helping around the house doesn't MAKE someone cheat! She chose to do that dispicable act on her own. 

Continue helping with the house/kids - you're gonna need those skills in case you get tired of her sneaky ways.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> OfficerT,
> 
> You got your beating, marching orders and what-for in the previous post. This is how I see it.....
> 
> ...


Listen, this is all real nice. Thoughtful post and all good advice for saving a marriage that is not involved in infidelity. And he really does not know what is going on.

If his wife is screwing this OM, or another OM, it does not matter what he does, it will not get better. 

No since in doing things to win her back if she is not committed to the marriage actually want to be with him. 

It might be good practice for the next relationship, but it won't save this one until the infidelity is actually dealt with...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are not as guilty as some here, and your cheating wife is trying to make you feel.

It takes two to make a happy marriage. It isn't hard at all to get caught up in the business of going about everyday life and forget to date one's spouse. She was likely equally as guilty.

What you didn't do, I hope, is CHEAT. She has.

When a woman starts giving her feelings to another man, their current spouse/boyfriend is TOAST. The relationship is almost instantly killed, NO MATTER HOW LONG it's lasted. That doesn't seem possible. IT IS.
Whether she screwed this guy is almost unimportant. The fact is that all her emotional energy, all her thoughts are no longer on you, but on her affair partner.

Will her feelings ever change about you? Unlikely.

I can tell you this for CERTAIN. If you chase her and start "changing" for her trying to make her love you again, you're screwed. You would literally have a better chance at her being YOUR wife again in spirit, by: calling her a cheat and telling her to gtfo, filing for divorce, and going dark on her.

Anything else will get you more of the same. Take yourself out of the equation in her head. Don't be the guy she has in her back pocket for security that she can have anytime she feels like it. Be the guy that doesn't settle for scraps,


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OfficerT said:


> 4. Should I cont. to do what I'm doing and not ask her things anymore? I know I'm mostly at fault here and just want to be a better man for her and the kids... I want a loving relationship with my wife and just wonder if I'm doing it right to get that? I can't change the past just like a recovering alcoholic, drug addict or criminal ANYONE can change for the better and I know I'm going to work daily to improve on being a better husband and father AND Christian. any advice to help me along this process? Thanks


No you absolutely SHOULD NOT continue doing what you're doing! She actually has you believing that HER affair is YOUR fault...ITS NOT! You may have been a crappy husband all these years, but she either should have dragged your ass to counseling or divorced you, NOT cheated on you! 

Yes, absolutely you should continue to improve yourself, you were not being a good husband or a good person, and you need to change that whether for this marriage or the next. But, SHE is the one who needs to do the heavy lifting here to try and fix things, and try to right her wrong. You may very likely find out that fixing things is really not what she wants to do, you may have pushed her to the point that she no longer wants to be married to you. Been there, got more than one t-shirt. She doesn't sound at all remorseful, and if she isn't, there is no hope that this will work, because that remorse HAS to be there. She may be sorry she got caught, but remorse is different. She needs to give you every detail you ask for, even if you ask the same thing repeatedly. She needs to be transparent with her phone and all her social media accounts, email, etc. You should have free access at all times. She needs to inform you where she is going, for how long and with whom. She needs to go to marriage counseling with you, likely she needs individual counseling as well. If she isn't willing to do all these things, then you have your answer that this marriage is no longer what she wants, take her at her word on that. 

For crying out loud, STOP kissing her ass! No woman respects a man who grovels, begs, or kisses her ass. Get up off the floor. These changes you are trying to make have to be for your own good. 
@She'sStillGotIt, SPOT ON, best post yet.. high five girl!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> Listen, this is all real nice. Thoughtful post and all good advice for saving a marriage that is not involved in infidelity. And he really does not know what is going on.
> 
> If his wife is screwing this OM, or another OM, it does not matter what he does, it will not get better.
> 
> ...


Sorry BP, I usually agree with you in most cases. This is not one of them.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I have a few thoughts on this post:

First, her having an affair, any kind of affair (emotional, physical) is just wrong. If she was unhappy 5 years ago, she should've left.

However, it sounds like she repeatedly asked for your contribution to the marriage over the years, and you ignored her pleas. It amazes me that men can sometimes be so daft with stuff like that, then they're shocked when things like intimacy fades, she says she doesn't want to be married anymore. 

Third, that's great that you had a sudden epiphany, but since this has been going on for years for her, don't expect it to change overnight for her. She probably feels so disconnected, that it will take industrial strength therapy to overcome it. Don't expect her to believe that your change is real.

In answer to your queries:

1. She won't/can't accept compliments from you probably because she thinks you're doing it as a last ditch effort to save your marriage. If it were me, I would want my husband to stop.

2. "Why now?" would also be my question.

3. When I was in your wife's situation, I read a book called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. I used it as a workbook, and while reading it, I answered the diagnostic questions in a Word document. By the end of the book, I had a really clear idea of what I needed to do.

4. What I would do if I were you guys is get into some couples counselling. It takes more than 2 weeks to make a sincere change, and it takes way more time than that for the other person to believe that the change is teal.

It might be too late to save things, speaking from experience, after 4 years of being like your wife (minus the children), I'd had all I could take, and walked away from my marriage. She says she still loves you though, so there might be hope yet. But, you guys can't tackle this on your own.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The thing is, my man, you spend years lowering her romantic interest in you. Don't be so shocked that your girl started to peruse the horizon looking for a replacement for what you were failing to deliver. When a woman has little romantic interest left for one guy, it's fairly normal it creates a vacuum that's seeks to be filled. As much as I'll probably have folks flying in my face like bantam roosters, a vast majority of women will either do it while in a relationship, sabotage what's left of the relationship trying to get their current partner to ride off into the sunset, or ditch the other party without much ceremony in order to place themselves in a position free to fulfill their desire; and who can blame them.
I often translate womanese. In this case when she responds to compliments "I'm not that great', she means, "I ain't doing this to impress you". For a translation of "manese" when guys tell you, "she should have the intregity to divorce before stepping out with another guy" they really mean, "How dare her for hurting me and making me look and feel like a horses azz and showing me how I can be replaced after kicking her around and ignoring her for years".
She may or may not have been banging other guys but there leaves little doubt that you would soon have been history and/or somebody else would be doing what you've been doing without. Nevertheless, ain't no way you are going turn this thing around in a couple of week. (you haven't even been through the normal three week period it take a man to fall off the wagon and return to his old ways.) The reality is when a woman loses romantic interest, its extremely rare it ever returns to level to sufficient to preserve the relationship. The good news is she stuck with you five years while you goofed around like a teenager on a free ride. Yep, there's a reason she showed interest in an older guy who understands the emotional needs of a woman.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You said your WW ‘met’ the POSOM.....

Did you mean physically or ‘met’ online?

Because if she met OM and the A went physical, you are dealing with a much more dire situation IMO......WW’s that have crossed that line seem to have an even more difficult time ‘returning’ to the M.

But the other posters are right about your first step.....EXPOSE the A!!

Especially to POSOM’s BW or gf (if he has one)


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

You need to have some self respect. Although you may have been a lousy husband at times it doesnt warrant someone lying to you and maintaining an inappropriate relationship while married. 

Collect as much information as possible. Dig deeper below the surface and you are bound to find more. 

Your wife disrespected you. It wasnt about you but all about HER. It was a choice she made to violate your vows. You dont text and meet with others without your husbands knowledge and she damn well knows it. Hang in there.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Im very sorry to say this but if your sex life was way off and you found her communicating with a guy 20 years older, these are not good signs.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well done, you are going in the right direction and have FINALLY after 7 years seen the light in more ways than one. Great also that you have found your faith, carry on taking the family to church.

As for how long it takes, well......way way way more than 2 weeks. Give it a year of you being a changed man and she MAY just believe that this change is long lasting and permanent. 2 weeks is nothing and I am amazed that you are expecting so much in such a short time. 

My advise is, say nothing about it but carry on supporting her and being a good dad. She probably thinks that you are only being this way because of the shock of the online relationship with the OM. She probably thinks that you will gradually get back to how you were, so prove her wrong and carry on being a good husband and father. Don't expect any quick fix though, it took 7 years to get in this mess and it will take a long time to get out of it. She will only gradually open up to you again, so give it time, time and more time. 

Best wishes and God bless.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Funny how his poor, overburdened wife FOUND PLENTY OF TIME AND ENERGY TO CHEAT !!!!!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think about 2/3rds of the responses on this thread are focused on the speeding ticket instead of the murder. Yeah, Officer T could have been a better husband but his wife cheating is an exponentially far worse offense. If you want to give him this advice to improve himself after dumping his vow-breaking, lying, cheating, deceitful wife, with the intent of improving himself for his next relationship that wouldn't be so bad, but nobody that has given him that advice has told him to file for divorce. I doubt very seriously he came here to be reassured of what he already knows about himself. He came here to get help with his wife's infidelity hence the title of the subforum, instead of the "coping with being a lazy husband"sub-forum. @Diana7 I'm especially surprised to see you gloss over his wife breaking her vows to God and advising him to never bring it up again. WTF?.
OfficerT,
I'm going to reiterate what a few have said. If it's been a year and they have met up, it's been physical. You are playing the pick me dance which never works. Yes improve yourself as a man, but do it for you and your future, not to get the used goods that is your wife back. She is blameshifting and re-writing your marital history. I'd wager you weren't near as bad as she made you out to be, and you're buying her re-write. As many have said it takes time but it also takes remorse, not to be confused with regret which your wife might have at getting caught.
If you want to speed the process or at least see where you stand, have divorce papers drawn up and served. If that doesn't shake her out of her affair fog, and that's what this is, nothing will. The D process is long enough that if you saw a drastic improvement in her, you could stop it and reconcile if she has done the work and earned it. The way things stand now she has you doing all the work and she suffers NO consequence, which is a recipe for a repeat/continuation of the affair in the future. You need to stop the rug sweeping and pick me dance and play hardball. Continue being a better man while doing so and your odds of getting your wife back will be drastically improved. Stay on the path you are on and you will end up divorced. Either by her filing when she decides she wants to be with another man after trying it (which she has already done) or when you finally realize her cheating raped your soul and you can't get over it. Best of luck, buddy. Unfortunately, you will need all of it you can get.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

Great response Rubix. I think it is okay to presume innocence but I think I would be asking myself why a married woman who is a mom of three needs to meet with a man who is 20 years older and from another state. ???


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

You may want to have her submit to a polygraph. That way you will know the extent of the damage for the sake of your marriage and kids. I am really sorry you have to deal with this friend. When one person is selfish everyone in the family suffers and you are not the one Im referring to.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

'Fox & Friends' host's husband files for divorce: 'I am devastated'

Gibson Johns, AOL.com
Oct 11th 2018 12:19PM

"Fox & Friends" co-host Ainsley Earhardt and her husband, William Proctor, are headed for divorce.

Proctor, who has been married to Earhardt for six years, reportedly filed for divorce on Wednesday, one day after the Fox News host announced their separation amid allegations that her husband had been unfaithful.

Page Six reports that Proctor brought the contested proceeding to Manhattan Supreme Court on Wednesday, "meaning he expects a fight over money or custody of their 2-year-old daughter."

The former Clemson quarterback told the New York Post that he's "devastated about this situation" and "did not envision this future for [his] family."

Earhardt confirmed the separation with a statement to AOL through a Fox News spokesperson: "After much prayer and careful consideration, Will and I have separated. I am grateful to Fox for their support and allowing me to spend all day, every day after the morning show with my child."

"I am fully committed to parenting and doing what is always best for my darling little girl and would appreciate privacy and prayers during this time," she added.

As for the speculation that Proctor's infidelity is what sparked the downturn in their marriage, he insists that "there is not one ounce in truth to the allegations."

"I am disappointed that this private matter has become public," he said. "I remain focused on and committed to being the best Dad, and maintaining a friendship with my wife even though she has decided to move on."

A source close to the couple contends that Proctor, 42, did indeed cheat on Earhardt, 34 -- with a close friend of hers, no less.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I think about 2/3rds of the responses on this thread are focused on the speeding ticket instead of the murder. Yeah, Officer T could have been a better husband but his wife cheating is an exponentially far worse offense. If you want to give him this advice to improve himself after dumping his vow-breaking, lying, cheating, deceitful wife, with the intent of improving himself for his next relationship that wouldn't be so bad, but nobody that has given him that advice has told him to file for divorce. I doubt very seriously he came here to be reassured of what he already knows about himself. He came here to get help with his wife's infidelity hence the title of the subforum, instead of the "coping with being a lazy husband"sub-forum. @Diana7 I'm especially surprised to see you gloss over his wife breaking her vows to God and advising him to never bring it up again. WTF?.
> 
> @OfficerT,
> 
> ...


Thank you for writing this so I did not have too. And @Diana7, I am particularly disappointed at you. You have been around long enough to know that the odds are overwhelming that his wife has been sleeping around and you surely can see that she is completely UNREMORSEFUL. 

This man is going to bust his butt to be better, and later he will discover that his wife is in another physical affair. I hope she does not get pregnant by her affair partner, and pass it along to her husband. 

I get that he was a fool, but giving him foolish advice is some form of malpractice...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Thank you for writing this so I did not have too. And @Diana7, I am particularly disappointed at you. You have been around long enough to know that the odds are overwhelming that his wife has been sleeping around and you surely can see that she is completely UNREMORSEFUL.
> 
> This man is going to bust his butt to be better, and later he will discover that his wife is in another physical affair. I hope she does not get pregnant by her affair partner, and pass it along to her husband.
> 
> I get that he was a fool, but giving him foolish advice is some form of malpractice...


I may be wrong, but I don't get the impression from his original first post that they had met or had an affair. He said that the man lived in another state and that he and the op's wife had been messaging and face timing for 2-3 weeks. 
If I have that right then it may have been the very beginning of an emotional affair nipped in the bud because it was discovered, but no more than that. That is why I gave the answer I did.
I cant see anywhere that says either of them travelled to another state to meet the other, or that this had been going on for very long.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I may be wrong, but I don't get the impression from his original first post that they had met or had an affair. He said that the man lived in another state and that he and the op's wife had been messaging and face timing for 2-3 weeks.
> 
> If I have that right then it may have been the very beginning of an emotional affair nipped in the bud because it was discovered, but no more than that. That is why I gave the answer I did.
> I cant see anywhere that says either of them travelled to another state to meet the other, or that this had been going on for very long.


This is the thing. Sex had started to trail off for them. Now maybe they had not met up, but if they were face timing then they were masturbating together which is not a huge deal, but the things that she said are. 

Further, from experience, a wife 5 years unhappily married to a clod, yeah, I fully believe that she physically cheated with some body. 

Point is, no matter what happened, he is being too passive. If you want to save a marriage, you cannot do that. She has more than likely already crossed the line, but he has done nothing to figure out what else has gone on. 

I agree that he needs to change and stop being a child, but it does not mean that he needs to be a passive chump either. 

There is way more here than meets the eye, I predict in months or years OP will be back telling about how he finally figured out that she had been cheating a while.

I think that the infidelity always has to be investigated and dealt with first. That do not preclude him becoming a better husband, quite the opposite...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is she still keeping you from seeing her phone and electronics so you can verify she's no longer cheating?


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

I got home from, work three weeks ago and notice that she had two texts from a man I didn't recognize. 

I then woke her up and confronted her and looked at her message history and found that she met the guy (who lived in another state and is twenty years older than her)

Ummmm my the only one reading this.....THEY MET


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SUCKA said:


> I got home from, work three weeks ago and notice that she had two texts from a man I didn't recognize.
> 
> I then woke her up and confronted her and looked at her message history and found that she met the guy (who lived in another state and is twenty years older than her)
> 
> Ummmm my the only one reading this.....THEY MET


I say to people that my husband and I met on line. It didn't mean we met as in face to face, but initially met through the internet, and if the man here is in another state how would she have met face to face anyway? Unless she went away for a few days and I think her husband would have noticed that.


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

I took it as they met. But only our friend can answer this. I would ask how did they meet ? Bc there seems to be some relevant missing information here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SUCKA said:


> I took it as they met. But only our friend can answer this. I would ask how did they meet ? Bc there seems to be some relevant missing information here.


Yes its pretty relevant.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

OfficerT, I'm sorry to say that it looks like your marriage is dead. Your wife is gone. She just hasn't moved out yet.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@OfficerT What you did was you cheated your wife and children out of a husband and a father throughout your whole marriage.

That was very wrong of you.

Your wife decided to deal with your pseudo infidelity with some real infidelity, or at least the precursor to infidelity. And that was wrong of her.

I would suggest couple's counselling.

The situation is salvageable, but only with hard work and commitment from the both of you.

There are some people here who think that nobody should ever reconcile with anyone, ever. Others think everyone should get a second chance, no matter what.

In reality, there's a midway position.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> In reality, there's a midway position.


Oh MattMatt, don’t throw reality into it! ;-)

But to do it, you must do it for yourself… you may think that you’re doing it for your family or your wife, but that won’t stick… You have to do it because you, your self, know your limitations and want to be more selfless overall... Trust me, the ripples of those actions will touch your family first. 

Still, this is not a linear progression… you are going to have times when you’re going to slip a little bit here, a little bit there, the idea is that you catch yourself before it becomes a stumble and keep it just a little imbalance.

That takes a practiced awareness… broken trust leads to broken trust, it is not what we like but often how it is. You may have a long road to convince her that you are sincere in your actions But she should be sincere in her actions too and abandon this folly of attraction outside of your marriage if you want anything salvageable. 

Again, keep the promises from your lips and enforce them strongly with your actions… plus let her know you have clear boundaries when it comes to anyone else in the relationship and that it is equally damaging should she involve someone else while you are trying to work through this.

Healing comes from taking responsibility…


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @OfficerT
> 
> Your wife decided to deal with your *pseudo infidelity* with some real infidelity, or at least the precursor to infidelity. And that was wrong of her.


 SERIOUS false equivalency there @MattMatt. Comparing being lazy to cheating on your spouse is a disrespectful slap in the face to all the Betrayed Spouses here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> SERIOUS false equivalency there @MattMatt. Comparing being lazy to cheating on your spouse is a disrespectful slap in the face to all the Betrayed Spouses here.


Not at all. He did NOTHING for his wife or his children.

He therefore cheated his wife and family out of their spouse and their father.

That was wrong of him.

He wasn't lazy. He just did not give a **** about his family.

But he has acknowledged that and is doing his best.

His wife's cheating was on her, though.

And I am sure there are many betrayed spouses here -of which I am one- who wonder why they were cheated on, seeing that they gave their cheating spouse the moon on a stick, which still didn't prove to be enough for their spouse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think many people simply don't understand the mentality that most humans (at least in America) approach marriage with. Men expect motherly care, sex whenever they want it (after all, while dating, the sex is wild and crazy), and someone to share stuff with while still having a cool life. Women expect someone to talk to, touching, caressing, someone who wants to hear about their day (after all, while dating, he's all about her and what she's doing and wants), and usually at the lower end of the spectrum, sex. The first items charge up the last one. 

So when a couple marries and the man settles down into his cozy life and keeps enjoying his life, he's usually not aware of the things that she's expecting from him - the continued interest, the connection. And she is usually trained not to 'be a *****' so she just hints around and hopes he wakes up and realizes what she's waiting for - after all, he was 100% into her when they were dating. What happened?

This is where the Walkaway Wife is created. Years and years of waiting for what she expected, and the love for him is whittled away, chipped away, week after week. Til she's not sure if she even loves him anymore. 

And then some man comes around and is into her, starts talking to her, actually LISTENS to her like her husband used to, and...well, you know the rest. 

The problem in situations like this is that by the time she lets another man hit on her, her marriage is rocky at best. So she has little reason to give it another chance, and even less reason to believe her husband actually really even can change and be what she was waiting for all along.

So it's great to tell him to demand transparency from her, tell her if she wants to stay married she can have no contact with the one person who's been treating her like she was hoping for. So she's like...why should I? You care NOW?

Caveat: this also is true on the opposite spectrum, when the man is blindsided by a woman who just marries for money and security.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> I think many people simply don't understand the mentality that most humans (at least in America) approach marriage with. Men expect motherly care, sex whenever they want it (after all, while dating, the sex is wild and crazy), and someone to share stuff with while still having a cool life. Women expect someone to talk to, touching, caressing, someone who wants to hear about their day (after all, while dating, he's all about her and what she's doing and wants), and usually at the lower end of the spectrum, sex. The first items charge up the last one.
> 
> So when a couple marries and the man settles down into his cozy life and keeps enjoying his life, he's usually not aware of the things that she's expecting from him - the continued interest, the connection. And she is usually trained not to 'be a b*tch' so she just hints around and hopes he wakes up and realizes what she's waiting for - after all, he was 100% into her when they were dating. What happened?
> 
> ...


 I'd say this is a double-edged sword. I get you are a woman posting from a woman's point of view, but the same situation happens with the roles reversed. Although I think I saw a stat that said 70-75% of divorces are initiated by the wife.

As far as why a walkaway wife leaves, I totally get the process and concept, I just don't equate being lazy or not taking time with your spouse to ****ing someone else and lying about it. I'll stand by my statement of it being a false equivalency.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Aaaand, he's gone...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I'd say this is a double-edged sword. I get you are a woman posting from a woman's point of view, but the same situation happens with the roles reversed. Although I think I saw a stat that said 70-75% of divorces are initiated by the wife.
> 
> As far as why a walkaway wife leaves, I totally get the process and concept, I just don't equate being lazy or not taking time with your spouse to ****ing someone else and lying about it. I'll stand by my statement of it being a false equivalency.


Didn't I end my comment with the caveat that the opposite is also true, Rubix? I'll never say it's the same thing as cheating; I never did.

But I take it you're saying that a woman marrying a man who is wed to his gaming console and his nights out with the boys and expecting his wife to just take care of him (and any kids) cos that's what mommy did - is the same thing as '_not taking time_ with your spouse?'


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

The realities are these. Whilst by your own admission you were a ****y husband, that failed to help around the house, she however chose to STAY WITH YOU AND ACCEPT ALL THE BENEFITS MARRIAGE AND YOUR PAY CHECK OFFERED. 

If she was not happy with the status of the marriage there is a thing called the talk, then failure to fix anything on your part gives her the option to leave the marriage. Instead she chose to hang around like some jaded cop waiting for her Pension, all the while whilst you continued to support her then she goes and has an affair on you and she has the audacity to flip this on you. You own the laziness and ****ty husband bit however THE AFFAIR IS SOLEY ON HER.

Either she stops and gives you a full account of what she has been up to or you hire a Shark of a Divorce Attorney and file for Divorce.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> But I take it you're saying that a woman marrying a man who is wed to his gaming console and his nights out with the boys and expecting his wife to just take care of him (and any kids) cos that's what mommy did - is the same thing as '_not taking time_ with your spouse?'


 Man or woman in that position(gaming console) is wrong. It's splitting hairs why he didn't spend time with his spouse. Could have been Golf, NFL, car racing, basket weaving, etc. that he focused more on than his spouse, the end result is the same but it is NOT *equal* to an affair and to say it is is a false equivalency. I thought I was pretty clear before but if this doesn't explain my view, I'm at my ends.

e.t.a. Upon re-reading I guess you did post that caveat, so I guess I just reiterated it. I digress on the gender part. My apologies.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I could smack your wife silly.

She had MILES of legitimate, real complaints about what a crappy husband you CHOSE to be.

And what did she do? She CHEATED

Now nothing you ever did or did not do will ever matter
She gave you the biggest moral.high ground Trump card a woman could ever give a man.

Dont believe me? Just keep reading.

Not only did she cheat, shes not very smart.

Cheating ALWAYS cleans the other spouse's slate. I'll never understand how people font see that BEFORE they cheat.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I could smack your wife silly.
> 
> She had MILES of legitimate, real complaints about what a crappy husband you CHOSE to be.
> 
> ...


 If they can't pick up on all of the other damage an affair does they sure as hell aren't going to be cognizant enough to recognize that, even though it is right up the "all about me alley" that all cheaters live on.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

OfficerT must be out on a long patrol. He hasn't been on SI since 2 hours after he posted his one and only post. Waste of a lot of good advice.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> I could smack your wife silly.
> 
> She had MILES of legitimate, real complaints about what a crappy husband you CHOSE to be.
> 
> ...



This is GOSPLE. This is GOLD. This is TRUTH. 

My sister was married to a physically abusive, emotionally manipulative ******* who had a spending problem and a snorting coke issue. She eventually left him... LONG story, but she always said she would NEVER cheat on him and NEVER did because if she had she would have lost the moral high ground and in my sisters case she needs to be RIGHT. 

Does not matter what the spouse has done, the answer is to seek counseling/ work on the marriage/ OR DIVORCE! no where in the equation is it RIGHT or UNDERSTANDABLE to cheat.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

OfficerT said:


> Hello, I'm a 33 year old man who has been married for seven years to an amazing women. Here's my story:
> 
> We got married seven years ago and had out first of three children two years into the marriage. After having the first child, I did not take the responsibilities well or pull my fair share around the house (cleaning, kids stuff, etc..) I know I was at fault and spent most of my time home watching TV or on my iPad while my wife would be doing thing (I was a dead beat). I would always say, "I will do it, but on my time." and her being a go getter and not a waiter, would just do it herself.
> 
> ...


Why are you at fault? You are not at fault. Your sleazy wife is having the affair.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

OfficerT, this harpy has played you like a used car salesman. She lied, cheated, and blame-shifted. For years yet! Is there any reason for not getting rid of her yesterday?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> OfficerT must be out on a long patrol. He hasn't been on SI since 2 hours after he posted his one and only post. Waste of a lot of good advice.


People come here to get advice. Not to provide us with entertainment.

And advice on TAM is never wasted as it is here as a library resource for other troubled souls.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> People come here to get advice. Not to provide us with entertainment.
> 
> And advice on TAM is never wasted as it is here as a library resource for other troubled souls.


 I hear ya and agree for the most part, but he posted all of once.


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