# am i overreacting?



## angelkitty (Jul 11, 2013)

yesterday i got home from work and my husband was no where to be found. i'd just spoken to him 15 minutes prior and he said he had dinner ready and we'd talk when he got home. the kids didn't know where he was, it was over 2 hours before i found out he was at the neighbors. i texted him and got no response. my feelings were hurt because he didn't tell me where he was going, no note, no text, and he didn't respond to my text. he is saying he told the kids he was going to the neighbors, but that's not the message i received. i feel hurt and left out and feel like he doesn't want to spend any time with me. he says i'm overreacting. my feelings are hurt and i feel disrespected at the same time, i feel like at least i should have had the benefit of a call or note or text to tell me where he was. 
what do you think?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I dont think you are as he stated "you would talk when you get home" the kids unless they are very small would remember him saying where he was, you texted him and he didn't respond. 

If he were at work then I would understand he cant be texting or calling you during meetings or whatnot.

What was he doing and who are these neighbors? males, females, couples?


----------



## angelkitty (Jul 11, 2013)

the kids are 11 and 13. the neighbors are 3 doors down, they are friends (husband and wife), my husband does work but gets home before i do, and i recognize his need for social interaction is greater than mine (when i get home from work i'm all "social'd" out!) and am content to chat with the family and watch a little tv, i try not to complain when he goes down the street 3-4 nights a week. i recently voiced my concerns to him that i needed a little more "husband and wife" alone time, he said he understood, but it seems that he really doesn't based on what occurred last night.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

So he is married to the neighbors now? 3-4 nights a week with them is a bit excessive. Don't THEY want alone time without your husband being there? Are you sure the neighbor's husband is home while your husband is over there?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

That's a lot of times per week. Are they swingers? Just asking because many people would not be happy having someone over that much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Something strange is happening here.


----------



## angelkitty (Jul 11, 2013)

Yeah, you would think so, right?
the neighbor just lost his best friend (he passed away of a heart attack at 47 years old in january), so the neighbor has glommed on to my husband as his new best friend. they have no kids, so they love having people around all hours of the day and night. 
i don't mind most of the time, but i just feel like he's not taking my feelings into consideration.
another example. last week we were without our kids (my ex took them on vacation). monday night the husband says "let's go to dinner". well, he invited the neighbors and the neighbor kid across the street (who they were watching for the night) without telling me, and we went to a local eatery that he knows i hate. i was ticked, but i put up the happy face so as to not make the neighbors feel bad.
how can i help him see things from my eyes? to him - he thinks i'm a loon.


----------



## angelkitty (Jul 11, 2013)

what can/should i do? we've only been married 5 years.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tell him its unacceptable that he doesn't take your feeling into consideration and you cannot continue to live this way.

But you have to mean it and be prepared to back it up with action if he continues to do as he pleases with no regard to your feelings.


----------



## angelkitty (Jul 11, 2013)

thanks. i'm not sure what i'm going to do. this is very depressing.


----------



## angelkitty (Jul 11, 2013)

and we are going out tonight with the same couple.


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You said, "we'd talk when he got home".

This means he was telling you he wasn't home and that you could talk when he got home.

I tell my kids things that they don't hear all the time. If they are watching some show or playing a video game and I can tell them, "I am getting groceries and will be home in an hour" and they will respond with "Ok". When I get home they say, "Where were you?"

I agree that he shouldn't spend so much time at the neighbors, but I can easily see what he told you was the truth. That he told the children where he was.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

angelkitty said:


> and we are going out tonight with the same couple.


Why is he the one making all these decisions? Why don't you say "no, we are not going out with the same couple we are going to go to my favorite restaurant and have dinner just the two of us".


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

angelkitty said:


> and we are going out tonight with the same couple.


Why are you doing this? There's this two letter word that reads NO. Start using it with your husband when he plans these things without consulting your first.

Tell him if he really needs to see this guy so much, the guy can come to YOUR house. Your husband has kids, he doesn't. 

You can tell your husband what you find acceptable and what you don't, and what will happen if he continues to ignore you like this. You can't make him change, you can only dictate your own behaviour, and that needs to include consequences that you follow through with.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Something strange is happening here
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

your husband is so manipulative he has you thinking that you're the one who is nuts. that you are the one who is overreacting. that what he's doing is perfectly fine and that you're just sensitive. 

no. he is totally, no doubt about it, disrespectful to you.

I would get the message, like you, that he does not want to spend time with you or the kids. That's why he takes of to the neighbors a 3-4 times a week, which I think is excessive.

And to make dinner plans with the neighbors and kids they are watching without asking you first. That is the height of audacity. I don't care if it's the neighbors or his parents or your parents or anyone - he has no right to not let you know that you're having company with your dinner. And this is after you told him that you wanted more alone time with him.

Something is going on here, and he is doing what guilty people typically do, they try to make it like you're the one who is nuts. They blow up or get angry to shake you loose.

Uh uh. You should no longer try to bury this because he dismisses your feelings and thinks it's no big deal. He should care what you think and consider your feelings because it is something that is important to you. He thinks it's no big deal so he won't discuss it? BS! 

His disregarding and disrespecting you is putting your marriage on shaky ground. Your marriage is in trouble. He thinks your making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he won't dismiss this when you tell him that the marriage is in danger. I know - you've been divorced before and you don't want to drag your kids through this again. You want stability. But you're not getting it from him.

Tell him you want what you once had. When he loved spending time with you and going out alone with you and looked forward to getting home from work to be with you.

Tell him you want to make a concerted effort for a date night once a week just you two alone. Maybe if you have more alone time, you will , or he will, rediscover what attracted you to each other in the first place.

Just because he's loud and shuts you down, doesn't make him right. Try not to question yourself. You are right here.


----------

