# Dating after divorce



## itsontherocks

Trying to move on after my divorce, as the papers were presented to the Judge to sign off. It's been about 7 years since dating, but my marriage died nearly a year after we got married. I went to some Meetup groups that I was active in prior to marriage. My now ex-wife didn't like the members, so we stopped going. I met this woman, she's 27 and I'm 36. She was talking to other single women that they were frustrated with the online dating scheme. I was interested in learning more, as I never gone that route, and I said, I guess this is what I need to look forward to in the new dating world. Anyway, after the group dinner, a few of us went to a bar. We were both friends with the group organizer, so she parked her car at her friends house, and I met her there so we can both drive to the bar. I was running late, so aparently she got my number from our mutual friend and called me to see where I was. I was there a few mins. later and we went to the bar. We seemed to have a good time in the car, talking and laughing, and such. Got to the bar, and we were talking on and off for a bit. I wanted to go play pool, she was game, but then she got tired. Dropped her back off at her car with our mutual friend. Friend gave both of us a hug, but she just waived. In addition, I found her Match profile, and she was / is looking for someone between 28 - 33. Though, we match up pretty well it seems. I spoke to our friend the next day and she asked what I thought of her, I said she's nice. She just said, yep, she's a good woman.

Seems like mixed singals to me, so I do not know the best eay to proceed, if at all. Sorry for coming off naive, but my signal reader is a bit off these days.


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## EllisRedding

Curious, what mixed signals, you mean just waving at you? This was the first time really meeting her, correct? Given when you said good bye there was also a friend there, I could see why there would be hesitation in giving anything more than a handshake.

Did your friend give you any feedback on what she thought of you?


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## itsontherocks

Yea, the waive was a bit offsettling. Another dude who shown interest in her, but she wasn't interested she high fived. Whereas, outside the bar there was stroking of each others hand. Yet, in the bar, she sat with our mutual frind at first after we both walked in. Then, in her profile on Match, she was looking for a different age group as well as someone who wasn't married. I also didn't want any tension in the group if she said no. I didn't ask her what her friend thought of me, but she did ask what I thought of her. She also said she had a close relationship with her mother; similar to my ex-wife. Feels a bit high schoolish to ask our friend what she thinks of me, if at all.

Although, she was bold at times by asking for my cell and calling me in the car seeing where I was. As well as getting into my car. We've only knew each other for a few hours. I guess she felt safe as our mutal friend has known me for 8 years. I think I felt chemistry, but what I feel and what she feels can be different.


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## Bananapeel

You are overthinking this whole process. If you like the girl just be direct and ask her out. If she says yes then she's interested and you can see where it goes from there. If she says no then be thankful that you didn't waste any time pursuing that one. If you are just feeling flattered because she is showing some interest then you are doing the rebound thing, so recognize it for what it is.


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## itsontherocks

Bananapeel said:


> You are overthinking this whole process. If you like the girl just be direct and ask her out. If she says yes then she's interested and you can see where it goes from there. If she says no then be thankful that you didn't waste any time pursuing that one. If you are just feeling flattered because she is showing some interest then you are doing the rebound thing, so recognize it for what it is.


Overthinking.. Possibly. Rebounding due to interest.. Probably not. Other's have shown interest, I wasn't interested in them. Also trying to avoid the rebound pitfall, so it could be why I'm a bit hesitant.


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## EllisRedding

itsontherocks said:


> Overthinking.. Possibly. Rebounding due to interest.. Probably not. Other's have shown interest, I wasn't interested in them. Also trying to avoid the rebound pitfall, so it could be why I'm a bit hesitant.


If you like her ask her out, what do you have to lose? Either way you will know right away whether there were mixed signals or not, worse case you just move on (actually worse case would be locking her in your basement lol)


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## Acoa

itsontherocks said:


> I think I felt chemistry, but what I feel and what she feels can be different.


Very true that she may not feel what you feel. But it also doesn't mean you should give up if you have an interest in her.

Dating is both scary and fun. The scary part is rejection. Which is really only scary the first few times. You will get turned down. Get used to it now. It's okay. There is nothing wrong with you. 

The fun part is getting to know new people and go out and try new things. 

She called you right? So, that means you have her number too. Take thing direct. Remove your mutual friend from the equation. Text her, or call her. Let her know you had fun and that it was nice meeting her. See where it goes. Let it unfold naturally. What do you have to lose? Just be respectful so if anything gets back to your mutual friend you are not embarrassed. (in other words, no dic pics. lol).


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## Bananapeel

itsontherocks said:


> Overthinking.. Possibly. Rebounding due to interest.. Probably not. Other's have shown interest, I wasn't interested in them. Also trying to avoid the rebound pitfall, so it could be why I'm a bit hesitant.


I personally never liked wondering about whether a girl liked me or not, so I just asked out the ones I liked right away and got a quick answer. It saved a lot of time and stress, plus I never had to worry about whether an interesting prospect got away due to my inaction. My recommendation is just be direct with her. She'll appreciate it and even if she isn't interested she'll feel flattered that you asked her. 

As far as the rebound thing goes, the best way to prevent it is to not let the relationship progress too quickly. That will give you both time to allow your feelings to develop naturally instead of rushing into something before you are ready.


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## Ynot

Now is the time to face your fears and just do it. Ask her out, what is the worst that could happen? She says no? WTH you just got one of the biggest rejections in your life when you got divorced. Having someone you met a few hours ago say no is nothing at this point. But,, what if she says yes! Go for it!


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## itsontherocks

EllisRedding said:


> If you like her ask her out, what do you have to lose? Either way you will know right away whether there were mixed signals or not, worse case you just move on (actually worse case would be locking her in your basement lol)


True. I am seeing her again as a group this Saturday. I'll see how we jive. 




Acoa said:


> Very true that she may not feel what you feel. But it also doesn't mean you should give up if you have an interest in her.
> 
> Dating is both scary and fun. The scary part is rejection. Which is really only scary the first few times. You will get turned down. Get used to it now. It's okay. There is nothing wrong with you.
> 
> The fun part is getting to know new people and go out and try new things.
> 
> She called you right? So, that means you have her number too. Take thing direct. Remove your mutual friend from the equation. Text her, or call her. Let her know you had fun and that it was nice meeting her. See where it goes. Let it unfold naturally. What do you have to lose? Just be respectful so if anything gets back to your mutual friend you are not embarrassed. (in other words, no dic pics. lol).


I agree. Not really nervous, just feels a bit awkard being im the position again.



Bananapeel said:


> I personally never liked wondering about whether a girl liked me or not, so I just asked out the ones I liked right away and got a quick answer. It saved a lot of time and stress, plus I never had to worry about whether an interesting prospect got away due to my inaction. My recommendation is just be direct with her. She'll appreciate it and even if she isn't interested she'll feel flattered that you asked her.
> 
> As far as the rebound thing goes, the best way to prevent it is to not let the relationship progress too quickly. That will give you both time to allow your feelings to develop naturally instead of rushing into something before you are ready.


Agreed. Wasn't going to jump right into bed with her. I was necer like that anyway.



Ynot said:


> Now is the time to face your fears and just do it. Ask her out, what is the worst that could happen? She says no? WTH you just got one of the biggest rejections in your life when you got divorced. Having someone you met a few hours ago say no is nothing at this point. But,, what if she says yes! Go for it!


You have a point. Even though I filed for divorce, it still stings as a failed marriage. No one likes to feel as a backup or unwanted.

Still, I need to take baby steps. It's been almost a decade since I last dated. Seems things are a bit different now with the millennial generation.


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## Ynot

itsontherocks said:


> Still, I need to take baby steps. It's been almost a decade since I last dated. Seems things are a bit different now with the millennial generation.


Hopefully you will realize that it really is just like riding a bike. I was out of the dating world for 25 years. My dating life started off with fits and starts, but once you get started it will just take off. The only thing that really changes are some of the activities, otherwise the purpose and intent of dating haven't really changed. Don't overthink it, just go out and have fun! This one probably won't be the "one" in fact, once you realize that there is no "one" you can go out and explore the world seeking whatever it is that is best for you.


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## itsontherocks

Since the wife is not technically signed off on the papers yet if I can actually date? The papers are at her lawyers, so it's only a few weeks I assume. I can ask my lawyer, but he's 450 a hour and he'll charge me 30 minutes to respond via e-mail. We've been living apart for nearly six months. The marriage broke down beginning of 2015.

Hoping someone else would know.


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## Rowan

I would say it depends on where you are and how amicably the divorce process has been going. In general, it's usually considered a bad idea to date before your divorce is finalized.

In some jurisdictions, dating during the divorce process can be a problem. You're still technically married, so that's technically infidelity which may make your filing void, anger the judge, or cause some other problem. However, in places with no-fault divorce, that's less of an issue. 

But, if your wife hasn't signed off on the papers yet, then she still has the option not to. And if knowing you're dating pisses her off enough, she may just decide she's not going to sign. She may decide she's going to drag you back into negotiations over the settlement. She could, in fact, potentially stall the divorce for years and cost you thousands more in attorney fees, filing fees, court costs, etc. When either party wants to hurt the other, it's possible to drag out a divorce for a very long time and for a very large sum of money. If this is an amicable split, or she sees no reason to hold this against you, then you're probably fine. Only you know what you're dealing with.


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## itsontherocks

We live in two different counties. Haven't spoken or texted in months since I filed. It's no-fault, and both lawyers seem to be on the same page in getting over this with as little court involvement as possible. I guess I will run it by the lawyer just in case.


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## LucasJackson

Not mixed signals. She likes you. Call her, be confident, ask her out for a 1-on-1 situation, not group.


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## itsontherocks

Lawyer gives the okay. :grin2:


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## itsontherocks

LucasJackson said:


> Not mixed signals. She likes you. Call her, be confident, ask her out for a 1-on-1 situation, not group.


Pretty sure. After all, would a person with little interest jump into a car with someone, giggle and stroke your arm and "call you to see where I was"? Though, she wasn't playing with her hair. However, I did see her looking at me several times during the night. Then, look away after I made eye contact.


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## LucasJackson

itsontherocks said:


> Pretty sure. After all, would a person with little interest jump into a car with someone, giggle and stroke your arm and "call you to see where I was"? Though, she wasn't playing with her hair. However, I did see her looking at me several times during the night. Then, look away after I made eye contact.


You've got more than enough positive signals to go by. Do something interesting. Here in Cincinnati a place opened up that does a dinner date with a unique twist. There is a chef and all the couples have their own workstation. He/she teaches you how to cook some type of gourmet meal and you cook it during class. You two eat the meal you cooked. It's a lot of fun even if you don't know how to cook. The chef is there to help you through any tough spots.

That's a really fun non-traditional date. Wherever you live maybe they have something like that. She is interested, that's pretty clear.


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## itsontherocks

Certainly entertaining it. She couldn't make it to the last event, so I texted her saying she was missed. Replied back as aww, that's so sweet. Texted a little bit and she said she was going to try to make this weekend's event. I was going to ask her in person. Spoke to our mutual friend, she said go for it, but had hesitation due to the 7 year age difference. Also, if it didn't work out was a slight concern as well.

Also thought the aww, that's so sweet as a text response was a bit different than what I expected. Not really used to this, so trying to read through the lines. Thinking she has little interest, but I could be misreading into things. We'll see if she comes by next weekend. Not too confident that she will though.


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## Acoa

itsontherocks said:


> Certainly entertaining it. She couldn't make it to the last event, so I texted her saying she was missed. Replied back as aww, that's so sweet. Texted a little bit and she said she was going to try to make this weekend's event. I was going to ask her in person. Spoke to our mutual friend, she said go for it, but had hesitation due to the 7 year age difference. Also, if it didn't work out was a slight concern as well.
> 
> Also thought the aww, that's so sweet as a text response was a bit different than what I expected. Not really used to this, so trying to read through the lines. Thinking she has little interest, but I could be misreading into things. We'll see if she comes by next weekend. Not too confident that she will though.


Be prepared for 3 types of responses:
- Interested, (aka a yes), all good, move ahead with caution
- No but thanks (the proper let down), take it well, okay to leave a 'if you ever change your mind' type of opening. But let it drop. 
- Look a distraction, (I'm too chicken to say no). Let it drop, she probably wants to say no, but doesn't want the friend circle to implode. 

You don't get a yes without asking, so you'll have to go for it. Timid men don't get many dates. But be prepared for a no. Handle a no with grace (many men get agitated and angry when they get a no, don't be "that guy"). 

Good practice at handling rejection is to try hitting on random strangers. Start paying attention when you are out and about (grocery store, restaurant or bar). Look for available women, strike up a conversation. If they engage in banter, then move on to asking for a number. You will get a lot of "no" through this approach. You'll also get some funny stories. Have fun with it. Don't take yourself too seriously.


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## itsontherocks

Here's an interesting update. Our mutual friend texted me today and said she's sleeping over the girl I am interested in's place to go to the event on Saturday. I said, okay, sounds good. Then she asked me what am I doing on Friday? I said why? She wanted both of them to come over to my home and say hi. I thought that was a bit awkward as there is some interest on my end. I said, I am working the night shift, but if I get out earlier, I would text her.

Again, I've been out of dating for so long, I do not know how to read this. I've only met this girl once, but our mutual friend I've known for almost a decade. I would be a bit on edge if she came over, especially with our friend. I assume she ran this by her before asking me, but not sure. I wanted to see if there was still chemistry first before I make a move.

Very confused. Feel like I am in my early 20's all over again. Something I really wanted to avoid.


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## itsontherocks

Acoa said:


> Be prepared for 3 types of responses:
> - Interested, (aka a yes), all good, move ahead with caution
> - No but thanks (the proper let down), take it well, okay to leave a 'if you ever change your mind' type of opening. But let it drop.
> - Look a distraction, (I'm too chicken to say no). Let it drop, she probably wants to say no, but doesn't want the friend circle to implode.
> 
> You don't get a yes without asking, so you'll have to go for it. Timid men don't get many dates. But be prepared for a no. Handle a no with grace (many men get agitated and angry when they get a no, don't be "that guy").
> 
> Good practice at handling rejection is to try hitting on random strangers. Start paying attention when you are out and about (grocery store, restaurant or bar). Look for available women, strike up a conversation. If they engage in banter, then move on to asking for a number. You will get a lot of "no" through this approach. You'll also get some funny stories. Have fun with it. Don't take yourself too seriously.


I have no problem striking up conversations with women, even very attractive ones. However, when they start the smile, play with their hair, rub my arm, etc., I get worried and then I lose my cool. The more attractive the woman, the less I can hold myself together, not sure why. Perhaps, on a subconscious level, I do not feel that I am in their league or something.


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## 225985

itsontherocks said:


> Since the wife is not technically signed off on the papers yet if I can actually date? The papers are at her lawyers, so it's only a few weeks I assume. I can ask my lawyer, but he's 450 a hour and he'll charge me 30 minutes to respond via e-mail. We've been living apart for nearly six months. The marriage broke down beginning of 2015.
> 
> 
> 
> Hoping someone else would know.




Yes, you can go out with the woman or anyone else for lunch or dinner or coffee. That is legally not infidelity.


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## Betrayedone

You need to work on your game. Be cool, considerate but casual, be fun and funny. Stop the high school antics and all will be well.


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## Ynot

STOP overthinking it and just do it for Chrissakes! You are making this into some life altering event. That is the reason you get tongue tied and nervous. It isn't. It is just one woman out of billions. If she is interested you will find out. If she isn't you will find out. Either way you will KNOW instead of sitting here wringing your hands with angst and anxiety on TAM.


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## whitehawk

It's funny really though, the if she's interested you will know it thing . Because l've found not always. 
Some girls are a bit reserved or like to make you sweat and earn it . Me l don't mind that , l like it in fact bc it shows she's not about to just jump or mess about with just anyone, she wants to know if she's worth the persisting or if you'll just bail.

But in this case the awww, so sweet thing , l dunno ,just sounded too friend like to me. And turning up with the friend , more friend like, but hey l could be wrong . Could be a mile wrong it's a tricky business :surprise:


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## itsontherocks

I was going to ask her tomorrow night in person, but it seems she's bring a friend (not sure if male or female) along with her, so I'm just going to back away. No harm, no foul. Prob. just read the signs wrong.


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## Ynot

itsontherocks said:


> I was going to ask her tomorrow night in person, but it seems she's bring a friend (not sure if male or female) along with her, so I'm just going to back away. No harm, no foul. Prob. just read the signs wrong.


Sorry dude, but you are pvssying out on this one. If YOU are interested ask her out. If you aren't then walk away. You have put way too much thought into this whole thing. So what if she brings a friend. For all you know that is all he is, but if you walk away you will never find out. Be a man and stop over thinking it.


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## itsontherocks

Not that I am a pvssy, just cautious. I do not like that I feel like I am insecure an unsure of a situation. Haven't been in this type of position for a near decade, it's foreign. I also do not want to be let down, nor do I want to make anything awkward for anyone.

As an update, our mutual friend called me today and asked if all three of us were meeting up for dinner, I passed. One, because, three's a crowd. Two, I don't understand why she's bringing another person to this weekend's event. So, naturally, anyone would be cautious. Interestingly, she texted me about an hour ago saying she missed me at dinner. So, as you can see, I am so confused. I should prob. reply, awww, that's so sweet. LOL.

I know it not good to be too available anyway, so it was for the best. I'll reply in a bit. It feels like a game of cat and mouse. I recall playing these games back in my 20's when I was courting my ex-wife (hopefully soon). We all know how that turned out.


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## Ynot

itsontherocks said:


> Not that I am a pvssy, just cautious. I do not like that I feel like I am insecure an unsure of a situation. Haven't been in this type of position for a near decade, it's foreign. I also do not want to be let down, nor do I want to make anything awkward for anyone.
> 
> As an update, our mutual friend called me today and asked if all three of us were meeting up for dinner, I passed. One, because, three's a crowd. Two, I don't understand why she's bringing another person to this weekend's event. So, naturally, anyone would be cautious. Interestingly, she texted me about an hour ago saying she missed me at dinner. So, as you can see, I am so confused. I should prob. reply, awww, that's so sweet. LOL.
> 
> I know it not good to be too available anyway, so it was for the best. I'll reply in a bit. It feels like a game of cat and mouse. I recall playing these games back in my 20's when I was courting my ex-wife (hopefully soon). We all know how that turned out.


Listen man, I was you. I made excuses myself. But read what you wrote, first an excuse (not a pvssy, just cautious). then another excuse (unsure and uncertain). and another excuse (haven't been there for a while, its foreign) and another excuse (don't want to be let down), followed by another excuse (don't want to make things awkward for someone else). The reality? You are afraid. Afraid it will be uncomfortable for you, afraid you will get let down, afraid to find out, because you are afraid it won't work out.

It is only a game, because YOU are playing a game. You are looking at it like it some grand strategy with some final outcome. It isn't. It is just life. it is one frigging date with one frigging person. In your mind you have built this up into a life altering game changer and setting your self up for disappointment.

Face your fears, you are probably doing more to drive this person out of your life by being timid and afraid, than you would by simply asking her out. What is the worst thing that could happen? I mean the absolute worst thing? She says no? If she does, then you don't have to sit around wringing your hands wondering what you should do, how you should act, omigod, omigod, omigod! If she says yes it COULD be the start of a great relationship, whether that be friendship or more. Wringing your hand doesn't solve anything

Face your fears! The results will be a pleasant surprise. You will gain confidence, so that the next time something like this comes up, you won't hesitate. You will act. Which is far more attractive than being frozen with fear is.


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## Ynot

Ok, Saturday was the day. Did you cave into your fears or did you face them and defeat them? There is no shame, only a lesson to learn.


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## Begin again

itsontherocks said:


> I have no problem striking up conversations with women, even very attractive ones. However, when they start the smile, play with their hair, rub my arm, etc., I get worried and then I lose my cool. The more attractive the woman, the less I can hold myself together, not sure why. Perhaps, on a subconscious level, I do not feel that I am in their league or something.


Work on this. It comes down to how you value yourself. If you know you are a good catch, then act like it. That will turn her on. And if it doesn't, then she wasn't interested. You won't be every woman's cup of tea, but you will certainly be someone's!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itsontherocks

We all had a good time. She brought her sister with her. She left a few hours later and we spent some time together. After that, she texted me she had a great time and I could text her at any time. The next couple of days she was contacting me each day. I asked her last night for dinner next Saturday, and she said yes. 

Yes, I know its a confidence issue. When ur in a marriage where your not appreciated and dogged on all the time, it tends to kill the ego.


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## Ynot

itsontherocks said:


> We all had a good time. She brought her sister with her. She left a few hours later and we spent some time together. After that, she texted me she had a great time and I could text her at any time. The next couple of days she was contacting me each day. I asked her last night for dinner next Saturday, and she said yes.
> 
> Yes, I know its a confidence issue. When ur in a marriage where your not appreciated and dogged on all the time, it tends to kill the ego.


You are absolutely right. It is a confidence issue. I've been there. Good job! Now, just roll with it and don't be too serious - have fun.


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## itsontherocks

We hung out over the weekend both nights. Surprisingly, it seems we mesh well. Similar goals, interests, likes, etc. She happens to be a really good kisser as well. I had to slow things down a bit, but all in all, there is a good connection here it seems. I am cautious and a bit on guard, but much stronger initial feelings than with my ex-wife during dating. Ironically, similar to the initial feelings from a woman I dated back in my mid 20's. Overall, pretty happy thus far with how things are progressing. Trying to take things in baby steps, but there is a strong attraction to each other.


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## Betrayedone

Well there you go........Don't take this as the end of your journey. You have a lot of dating to do until you reach your destination.


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## Ynot

itsontherocks said:


> We hung out over the weekend both nights. Surprisingly, it seems we mesh well. Similar goals, interests, likes, etc. She happens to be a really good kisser as well. I had to slow things down a bit, but all in all, there is a good connection here it seems. I am cautious and a bit on guard, but much stronger initial feelings than with my ex-wife during dating. Ironically, similar to the initial feelings from a woman I dated back in my mid 20's. Overall, pretty happy thus far with how things are progressing. Trying to take things in baby steps, but there is a strong attraction to each other.


Keep taking the baby steps but have fun and don't overthink it all. I have had the same experience. 24 year marriage and suddenly out in the universe all by my lonesome. it is daunting but what you will find out is if you are just yourself you will attract what you seek. And those you don't attract, well good luck to them, but they weren't really your kind anyways.
Beyond that, I have also met a woman ten years younger than I am. She is a knockout in every way. Smart, successful, accomplished, sexy as hell. Spending time with her has made any lingering anger and angst disappear. I have no idea how things will turn out, but for the time being I am accepting what the universe provides and having fun. One of the fun things you can experience now is to just observe your own reactions and learn from them.


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## itsontherocks

Ynot said:


> Keep taking the baby steps but have fun and don't overthink it all. I have had the same experience. 24 year marriage and suddenly out in the universe all by my lonesome. it is daunting but what you will find out is if you are just yourself you will attract what you seek. And those you don't attract, well good luck to them, but they weren't really your kind anyways.
> Beyond that, I have also met a woman ten years younger than I am. She is a knockout in every way. Smart, successful, accomplished, sexy as hell. Spending time with her has made any lingering anger and angst disappear. I have no idea how things will turn out, but for the time being I am accepting what the universe provides and having fun. One of the fun things you can experience now is to just observe your own reactions and learn from them.


Agreed completely. I guess I thought no one would be interested in a divorced man. Guess, I was wrong. As it seems, when I joined the group, I wasn't even looking to "date", just to hang out and make friends again. Good ole wifey killed my other relationships cause she wanted us to go hang out with her family (not mine of course) or just wanted to stay home cause she was tired (then complained we never went anywhere).

Interesting you said the thing about the universe. She said something very similar yesterday to me. LOL. One of the people in the the group, our mutual friend, said we're funny together. Then, said, if it doesn't work out, I still want us to be friends... Not sure why she'd say something like that. We'll see where this journey takes us.


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## Ynot

itsontherocks said:


> Agreed completely. I guess I thought no one would be interested in a divorced man. Guess, I was wrong. As it seems, when I joined the group, I wasn't even looking to "date", just to hang out and make friends again. Good ole wifey killed my other relationships cause she wanted us to go hang out with her family (not mine of course) or just wanted to stay home cause she was tired (then complained we never went anywhere).
> 
> Interesting you said the thing about the universe. She said something very similar yesterday to me. LOL. One of the people in the the group, our mutual friend, said we're funny together. Then, said, if it doesn't work out, I still want us to be friends... Not sure why she'd say something like that. We'll see where this journey takes us.


You will discover a lot as you move forward. We tend to accept whatever our marriages were about as "normal". You are about to discover a whole new world my friend! Enjoy the journey!

The woman I am dating asked me about my past and how it had changed my views. My response was that the universe has brought me to the exact place I am supposed to be. Where we are is the sum total of every decision, good and bad, we have made to this point in our lives and now that we know this and recognize it, it is up to each of us to make the most out of the opportunities that life presents. Hence my statement about the universe. Think positively and positive will come your way.


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## Chuck71

How's it going with the gal you're interested in?

Her friend is playing matchmaker. No doubt she is "into you."

Ynot....... have to say you sure as he!! ain't the same guy whose thread I posted on two years ago.

Congratulations! :fistpump:


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## arbitrator

*Sounds as if you've gotten things well under control!

Stay out there in your renewed confidence and just have a fabulous time, taking time to enjoy every step of your exploratory journey together!

Have fun!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itsontherocks

Going pretty good. Strong connection it seems. I could be second guessing myself. I did tell her I am guarded at times, but tend to open up in time. There are similar actions and responses that my ex did during our dating period. Good things, not bad things. It seems my mind it on the look out for similarities with her so that is why I am guarded at times. She seems very understanding and during intimacy, there is a real strong connection. A stronger connection than what I had with my ex-wife. That's a plus.


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## SadDaisy

Sounds like she likes you.
She may be conservative, like me. Try to be a little more outgoing, but don't push too much, you may scare her off.


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## itsontherocks

Just a few issues that we're having. She had minor outpatient "surgery", and she's been in a lot of pain, but doesn't want to go anywhere. First off, I offered to go with her to the doctor, but she declined. I offered to picker her up and take her out or back to my place to relax, she declined. She wanted me to come with her and stay with her. Normally, if she had her own place, no doubt. However, she lives with her parents and sisters at 28. Plus, they have two dogs which I am allergic to. I love dogs, but my eyes get beet red, puffy and itchy to the point I cannot see. She also wanted me to sleep at her parents house in their spare bedroom. I just feel funny and told her my concerns. She said I should put my issues aside and deal with it. Also, the Mom is a busy body.. Complains that we switch off on the dinners, and that I don't always pick her up (she has a car. I agreed to swtich on that too, not enough).

She wanted to go somewhere for New Years, so Imboked a nice hotel and made us plans. Cost me a nice chunk of dough. Becuase of her "surgery", she asked me to pick up her bag from her house. A week before, she said she'd drop it off, but now, she asked me to pick it up. I said I will on my way home. She said she wasn't feeling well, and had to sleep, so not to come by. Six hours later, around 8pm, she texted me to come pick up the bag, she'll lave outside. I said, I am not your slave. I offered earlier, you declined. I am not driving 30 mins there, then 30 mins back for a bag. She cannot drive because she is on Oxycotin. I asked if your parents or one of your sisters to drop it off. She said no. I said, well, I guess you will be bringing it with you to work. She then rwnted and raved ln me. Then said what if you come by before work and meet me at the train station. I said sure. Then she said, no, how about you meet me at my house and pick it up instead? Said no, it's too out of my way in the opposite direction of my commute. She replied, guess I am not going then, I said fine,. I think she didn't want me to meet her at the train station because I'd see her driving. Just a guess.

Anyway, she got sick, so we couldn't go. Lost the miney on the tickets to the event and the hotel room. She then complained that we didn't do anything for New Years. 

Seems like a completely different person than five months ago. Told her nothing I do is good enough for her and I am at my wits end. She said she is too. She then said whatever and not continuing this conversation, then stopped repling.

So confused..


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## Faithful Wife

itsontherocks said:


> Seems like a completely different person than five months ago. Told her nothing I do is good enough for her and I am at my wits end. She said she is too. She then said whatever and not continuing this conversation, then stopped repling.
> 
> *So confused..*


You aren't actually confused. A part of you knows this isn't right and that the relationship has to end. The confusion you feel is because you aren't quite ready to let it go yet...so that part of you is conflicted with the other part of you that knows the relationship should end. 

Things shouldn't be this difficult.

Unless you want to have a push-pull relationship full of drama....which maybe you do? That's ok, too.


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## itsontherocks

Faithful Wife said:


> You aren't actually confused. A part of you knows this isn't right and that the relationship has to end. The confusion you feel is because you aren't quite ready to let it go yet...so that part of you is conflicted with the other part of you that knows the relationship should end.
> 
> Things shouldn't be this difficult.
> 
> Unless you want to have a push-pull relationship full of drama....which maybe you do? That's ok, too.


Agreed. I guess my heart wants to show compassion for her when she's not feeling well. However, every time I do, it seems it's not enough. She couldn't go out on X-Mas because she wasn't feeling well, so I brought over her gifts, and she texted back thank you she loved them. A few days later, this fallout occurs. Very strange.. Something told me not to bring over the gifts, however, my heart thought it would uplift her feelings. Yet, two days ago, she said she felt very fortunate for having her new job and a man in her life.

The old saying I guess is true. No Good Deed Goes Unpunished. 

My brain tells me to say adios.


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## Lostinthought61

she sounds like she is milking this pain and you, and your brain is telling you your lactose intolerant....Listen to your brain


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## OnTheRocks

Nice username. 

The bag thing was a classic sh!t test, and you passed with flying colors. Selfish and manipulative behavior. She's looking for a doormat. Don't be a doormat. NEXT.


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## OnTheRocks

Did you decide to bring the xmas gifts over on your own, with no input / whining / implying from her? 

Regardless, going off on you for not going an hour out of your way for her 'convenience' is unacceptable.


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## itsontherocks

Yea, I like your username too. 

I felt bad that she's having issues, so I offered to drive by after work, she said she was going to sleep. Fair enough. Hours later, she then started the rant. It was very bewildering and shocking at the same time. Yes, I felt like she was attempting to treat me like a doormat. I saw it a mile away, so I said no. She then offered to meet me the next morning half way, I said fine. Then, she changed to just come to pick it up at my house, no. That was where it was left. She was nice for a couple of days and I felt bad, so I offered to bring over her gifts and left it outside (my idea). She also caught the stomach virus. She thanked me for the gifts and said she loved them. Two days later, this crap happened out of no where. It's been three days since I heard from her. Seriously, just a nutty situation. This came out of left field. 

I am getting to like the solo life more and more. Regretfully, relationships, at least in my area, are just not worth it. This one was fine til two weeks ago. I have no idea what the f is going on. However, I learned from my x-wife a bit, so I caught it pretty fast. Even I told myself this isn't good. I was told I am not trying hard enough because she's in pain. Let's go over what I offered and did:

1. Offered to go the doc with her. She said no.
2. Offered to pick her up and take her out and do things or come to my place to relax. She said no.
3. Spend over a thousand dollars (which I've now lost) for a NYE event and hotel reservation. She got sick. Not her fault. However, zero appreciation. 
4. Brought her over x-mas gifts and some drinks (Gatorade for the stomach virus - 24 bottles).

What she wanted. Me to stay with her with her parents and two sisters and sit with her while she was sick (so I got sick too. Her Mom is now sick as well). Also, I am allergic to dogs, she as two of them. I am supposed to sit there and suffer through it. My eyes are still red, swollen and peeling from my last encounter with them. Plus, one doesn't shut up. Just barks like the day is long. So, all in all, just because she's suffering, I should also be in pain so I can suffer too? 

What the ....?


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## OnTheRocks

She is obviously accustomed to getting her way at every turn with the "men" in her life, and probably thinks giving you the silent treatment for a while will help you come around. Nice work thusfar.


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## Chuck71

itsontherocks said:


> Yea, I like your username too.
> 
> I felt bad that she's having issues, so I offered to drive by after work, she said she was going to sleep. Fair enough. Hours later, she then started the rant. It was very bewildering and shocking at the same time. Yes, I felt like she was attempting to treat me like a doormat. I saw it a mile away, so I said no. She then offered to meet me the next morning half way, I said fine. Then, she changed to just come to pick it up at my house, no. That was where it was left. She was nice for a couple of days and I felt bad, so I offered to bring over her gifts and left it outside (my idea). She also caught the stomach virus. She thanked me for the gifts and said she loved them. Two days later, this crap happened out of no where. It's been three days since I heard from her. Seriously, just a nutty situation. This came out of left field.
> 
> I am getting to like the solo life more and more. Regretfully, relationships, at least in my area, are just not worth it. This one was fine til two weeks ago. I have no idea what the f is going on. However, I learned from my x-wife a bit, so I caught it pretty fast. Even I told myself this isn't good. I was told I am not trying hard enough because she's in pain. Let's go over what I offered and did:
> 
> 1. Offered to go the doc with her. She said no.
> 2. Offered to pick her up and take her out and do things or come to my place to relax. She said no.
> 3. Spend over a thousand dollars (which I've now lost) for a NYE event and hotel reservation. She got sick. Not her fault. However, zero appreciation.
> 4. Brought her over x-mas gifts and some drinks (Gatorade for the stomach virus - 24 bottles).
> 
> What she wanted. Me to stay with her with her parents and two sisters and sit with her while she was sick (so I got sick too. Her Mom is now sick as well). Also, I am allergic to dogs, she as two of them. I am supposed to sit there and suffer through it. My eyes are still red, swollen and peeling from my last encounter with them. Plus, one doesn't shut up. Just barks like the day is long. So, all in all, just because she's suffering, I should also be in pain so I can suffer too?
> 
> What the ....?


The "honeymoon" must be over....

She is showing you who she really is..... BELIEVE her.


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## Satya

You're explaining all that you've done for/offered to her. 

What value has she brought to YOUR life?


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## Good Guy

itsontherocks said:


> Just a few issues that we're having. She had minor outpatient "surgery", and she's been in a lot of pain, but doesn't want to go anywhere. First off, I offered to go with her to the doctor, but she declined. I offered to picker her up and take her out or back to my place to relax, she declined. She wanted me to come with her and stay with her. Normally, if she had her own place, no doubt. However, she lives with her parents and sisters at 28. Plus, they have two dogs which I am allergic to. I love dogs, but my eyes get beet red, puffy and itchy to the point I cannot see. She also wanted me to sleep at her parents house in their spare bedroom. I just feel funny and told her my concerns. She said I should put my issues aside and deal with it. Also, the Mom is a busy body.. Complains that we switch off on the dinners, and that I don't always pick her up (she has a car. I agreed to swtich on that too, not enough).
> 
> She wanted to go somewhere for New Years, so Imboked a nice hotel and made us plans. Cost me a nice chunk of dough. Becuase of her "surgery", she asked me to pick up her bag from her house. A week before, she said she'd drop it off, but now, she asked me to pick it up. I said I will on my way home. She said she wasn't feeling well, and had to sleep, so not to come by. Six hours later, around 8pm, she texted me to come pick up the bag, she'll lave outside. I said, I am not your slave. I offered earlier, you declined. I am not driving 30 mins there, then 30 mins back for a bag. She cannot drive because she is on Oxycotin. I asked if your parents or one of your sisters to drop it off. She said no. I said, well, I guess you will be bringing it with you to work. She then rwnted and raved ln me. Then said what if you come by before work and meet me at the train station. I said sure. Then she said, no, how about you meet me at my house and pick it up instead? Said no, it's too out of my way in the opposite direction of my commute. She replied, guess I am not going then, I said fine,. I think she didn't want me to meet her at the train station because I'd see her driving. Just a guess.
> 
> Anyway, she got sick, so we couldn't go. Lost the miney on the tickets to the event and the hotel room. She then complained that we didn't do anything for New Years.
> 
> Seems like a completely different person than five months ago. Told her nothing I do is good enough for her and I am at my wits end. She said she is too. She then said whatever and not continuing this conversation, then stopped repling.
> 
> So confused..


Run Forrest Run ....


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## itsontherocks

Chuck71 said:


> The "honeymoon" must be over....
> 
> She is showing you who she really is..... BELIEVE her.


Ironically, I said the same thing to her via text. Damn shame..


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## itsontherocks

Satya said:


> You're explaining all that you've done for/offered to her.
> 
> What value has she brought to YOUR life?


Interestingly enough, not much. I had the same conversation with my Mom the other day. She told me show her to the door.


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## itsontherocks

Good Guy said:


> Run Forrest Run ....


Yep, seems so. Not getting into another power struggle relationship. One per lifetime...

And she was so nice and accommodating for the first four months... Must be something in the water.


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## itsontherocks

OnTheRocks said:


> She is obviously accustomed to getting her way at every turn with the "men" in her life, and probably thinks giving you the silent treatment for a while will help you come around. Nice work thusfar.



It seems many modern young adult women feel this way... Not understanding why couple's cannot just work together.


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## Good Guy

itsontherocks said:


> It seems many modern young adult women feel this way... Not understanding why couple's cannot just work together.


The strain of feminism now being followed in the Western world teaches young women they have all the rights in the world but when it comes to responsibilities it's always someone else's fault. If they are not completely happy at all times then it's time to leave. She sounds like a grade A b1tch.


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## Lostinthought61

itsontherocks said:


> It seems many modern young adult women feel this way... Not understanding why couple's cannot just work together.



it has all the marking of someone who wants control and power....by doing that she is in charge of the relationship....she makes the rules....you are seeing her for who she really is and have decided not to play the game....but trust me....if not you, there is some poor sap out there that will bend over take it and say "thank you can i have another"


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## Chuck71

itsontherocks said:


> Interestingly enough, not much. I had the same conversation with my Mom the other day. She told me show her to the door.


"She did you a favor, she set your free" A SAHM, cooker of mashed taters... took me, a PhD candidate to school, on life.

Funny how that works....


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## itsontherocks

It seems things changed when she got a better job and was busy. Then, her "surgery" and getting sick just compounded things I guess. All in all, it seems under all the pressure her true self appeared. It's been a few days, and she ghosted. Wow... Just wow... That's the appreciation.

What happened to the modern woman? This cannot be all due to this feminism movement. How about equalism? I think that may work better than feminism. Just a guess.


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## Chuck71

Walk the F away......... trust me.........


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## Satya

itsontherocks said:


> Interestingly enough, not much. I had the same conversation with my Mom the other day. She told me show her to the door.


Have you ever heard the saying, that if you put in more than you get out, it's time to get the F out?


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## Openminded

I don't know if she's representative of today's females or not since I don't know any in that age group. But she sounds like a spoiled, inconsiderate, entitled brat to me and that type has always been around. 

Listen to your mom.


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## OnTheRocks

If she does come back, you should just thank her for showing you her true colors this early on.


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## itsontherocks

Sorry all, just been taking time for myself over the past few months. Nothing from the ex, it's like we never existed. She didn't even contact me for taxes (she was on my return). Attorney told me wait to see if she contact me. She didn't.. I guess, drama less is better than drama full. I do wonder if she ever loved me in the first place. Possibly, just to get me so we can have a family, then she wouldn't have to earn her own income and just take care of the children. Which, is okay til they are in school, and we could had afforded it. Yet, it seemed she couldn't get pregnant (my fault of course), so she just through the marriage in the toilet. Makes little sense. To be honest, nothing makes sense anymore.

I do wonder if it would had been wiser and cheaper to go through mediation, instead of lawyers. I know that she felt blindsided by the divorce filing. Not sure why, as I gave her days notice. I guess, I am just wondering why all this happened... Everything seemed much better and easier prior to marriage. I've dated, and there is interest in this one woman. However, I have to wonder what are her true motives. I can say, divorce changes the way I look at mates. I no longer have the rose colored glasses on. I try to give the benefit of the doubt, but it is hard to trust. I am more relaxed and feel freedom after the divorce. I guess the question as to why still bothers me. I know I will never know the answer to that question. It's been nearly a year since we've conversed, so I feel it is safe to say I will never hear from her again. Funny (or ironic) thing happened the other day. The photographers called and left me a message hoping all is well with us and when you want to pickup the video and pictures for our wedding. She spent several thousand on these.. To this day, she never picked any of them up. Weird... No?


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