# New BF ref flag? He refers to himself in the third person



## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

I've been dating a man (long distance but we have spent some good time together in person and tons on the phone) for almost 3 months now who I think has been displaying some red flags for narcissism.

As I was briefly married to a narc previously- so I'm not sure if I'm hypersensitive to anything I can construe as fitting with NPD, or if I'm just better able to spot the signs now.

While I don't want to waste time with yet another man who is incapable of really loving me, I also don't want to break up with someone who might actually be decent because I'm skittish and scared of repeating the pattern.

So this guy occasionally refers to himself in the third person. Not all the time but enough to weird me out. 

He talks a lot- I mean, A LOT, about what he thinks and his experiences. He does ask me questions and seems to listen to me, but I find myself wondering if he's just doing it because he feels like he has to. I also find myself having no choice but to interrupt him a good part of the time in order to speak (when we're on the phone).

He has wanted the relationship to progress quickly, indicating that he wanted to be exclusive on our first in-person meeting and sometimes talking about traveling together (he travels internationally for his job every month so I chalked that up to travel not being that big of a deal to him) and me meeting his family eventually.

He became really upset when I didn't answer a text message the other day. I was out of town for the last day of vacation with a friend and the text just said he was back in town. (He didn't ask that I call or indicate that he needed to talk to me...I just figured I'd call him later that night or we'd talk the next day when my friend had left for home).

He also started an argument with me last night out of the blue though I had just told him I was tired and needed to go to bed. It seemed like he really wanted to 'call me out' and push my buttons to provoke a response, then he told me how 'disappointed' he was in me that I didn't respond with more civility.

I would be grateful for opinions/insight from impartial persons, esp. those who have some knowledge of/experience with narcissism. Does anyone have a 'test' they use to tell if someone has NPD?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you have to ask, you already know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Listen to your inner voice/intuition. It's telling you that there are problems here that will become big ones.

Why do people end up in long term relationships with big problems? Because they ignore things like this, make excuses for the other person, etc. The little things in dating become the huge things in marriage.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

"So, anyway, enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?"


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Acorn thinks Acorn would be worried too.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think that a guy who never lets you get a word in edgewise, talks about himself in the third person, tries to fast-forward the relationship, and is provoking you just so he can push your buttons, has more than one behavior that ought to weird you out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Who cares if he's a narcissist? One thing you know for sure is he is acting like a jerk. Only 3 months in? Move on.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

limabeans said:


> ....So this guy occasionally refers to himself in the third person. Not all the time but enough to weird me out....


Julius Caesar did the same. But...he was Julius Caesar!!!!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

He sounds a lot like my wife. I saw the same signs before we married and thought she would change. Trust me! Run!!!!!!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I agree with the others....run.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I disagree with the whole third person and talking too much as being a red flag. He may have aspergers, which may also explain the text situation. Yes follow your gut, but not everyone is faulted or a narsasist because the are different.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Just under 3 months and he's arguing with you or provoking you to fight with him and pushing the relationship?

Just that alone would turn me off. Forget the 3rd person over chatty bit.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You barely know this cat and he's wearing his butt for a hat if you don't immediately return a text message? That screams "CONTROLLER".


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

I'm with Blondilocks. Who cares if he can technically be described as a narcissist or if he's just your average douche bag. You don't need to have N.P.D. to be a D.I.C.K. Regardless of how you label him, if he bugs you after 3 months, you'll be wanting to slit your wrists after a year of him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, I think you're seeing red flags. As far as whether he is a narcissist and if there's a simple test for it, please check out my article on the topic. You'll find a few simple questions you can ask him to get to the heart of this quickly. 

Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Regardless oh how a licensed counselor would define him,

I would have been turned off immediately, when he bagan speaking of himself in the third person and showing signs of dillusional & self-important thinking/speaking.

If it's all about HIM right now, it's never gonna be about you (or your family/kids/pets)


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

Thanks all. I don't want to believe I've ended up almost falling for another narc, but the consensus seems to be pretty clear here!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know if he's a narc but he's a jerk.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Flush this turd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

It will only get worse. Save yourself the time that you will never get back if you proceed.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi LB, 

I see about 6 Red Flags here and it's early on.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Ugh.. the red flags we ignore...



I agree.. if you have to ask, you already know.
Just like when someone is being verbally abusive, you know they are.. but keep doubting yourself and thinking you are "overreacting"

Trust your intuition. Narcissist or not.. he is showing you some seriously bad traits 

my stbx was the same with the "exclusive" part and once I was in the hospital and he had a fit because I "stood him up" and he was getting ready for our date.
And somehow I still didn't RUN


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Anybody who speaks about themself in 3rd person has a serious ego. 

It would piss me off forever if I married em. I'd not waste time on the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Any Seinfeld fans recall Jimmy?

"Jimmy likes Elaine."

More than the third-person ickiness, I'd be disturbed by his controlling behavior when you didn't reply to a text. Big, snappily waving red flag.


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## lemonmeringue (May 21, 2018)

I think if you are asking, you might be sensing that something is off. An ex of mine was sexually and emotionally abusive, and also would refer to himself in third person sometimes, like he would drift away from reality. I think he was a narcissist. Anyone who drifts away from reality has less problems with committing atrocious acts, because the reality of how horrible they are being does not hit them. I don't know if your boyfriend is a narcissist, but my ex also would be incredibly self-involved, talking sooo much about his deepest inner thoughts and feelings. Honestly, I don't think that's normal. That would be a huge red flag to me.

As for the pushing your buttons, I had a normal, healthy, loving relationship where my boyfriend would do that sometimes. So that's less of a sign to me.

Bottom line, if you guys aren't on the same page about how fast you want to be exclusive, that's not a great sign. Relationships are mutual, and you should be connected enough with each other that things are moving at a pace that is natural to both of you. I think if things develop naturally, that's a good sign. If they don't, I honestly think it's a bad sign and will end up badly.


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