# Husband crossing the line or is it just me?



## Lilies12

Hi Ladies!

Question for you all, my husband is constantly "groping" me (at least that's how I feel). Anytime my husband touches me he is always grabbing my breasts, grabbing my butt and just rubbing on me in some way. Sometimes I don't mind it sometimes it p*sses me off because I feel like all I'm here for is his groping pleasure! I will be cooking and he walks up behind me and literally both of his hands are on my breasts and he is squeezing them and kissing my neck, basically holding me tight to the point where I can barely move, and then as he lets go squeezes my butt. Most of the time I feel partly violated, he doesn't seem to respect the fact that I don't want to constantly be touched. 

So my question is how would that make you feel? Would that make you feel loved, attractive, etc? Would you be okay with your husband or BF doing that to you?

The whole sex/intimacy thing has been an issue with my husband and I for about 2 years now, probably longer. He has this huge thing about sex and feeling loved. It has to be sex for him to feel loved, apparently snuggling and hand holding doesn't really count but "it helps a little". I'm over it because we fight about this constantly, because I am the total opposite. I don't need physical love, I actually do not like people rubbing on me. When we discuss him touching me as described above; he says "Fine then I won't touch you anymore and I won't ask you for sex". Then 2 days later we fight about sex again or I worry that he's cheating, again!

Just trying to get an idea of what other women make of what I am calling "groping". Having their partner physically touch them, etc.

Thanks!


----------



## Yeswecan

My W would wonder why I'm not groping her! Only certain times of the month does my W not liked to touch. That time is generally when nature calls. 

Sex and intimacy is your H love language. If you do not work on talking his language there will be problems. This you know as the arguing has appear to have gone on for 2 years now. 

It appears the cheating has something to do with it? Your feelings that is.


----------



## Faithful Wife

I just replied on your post in the sex section, but I didn't see this one first.

If he has cheated before, then no wonder you feel violated if he cannot be respectful in the way he touches you.


----------



## ihatethis

Personally, it makes me feel loved. You need to understand that you both may need to be loved in different ways. Read the 5 love languages.. it will help.

Please know that the way he needs to be loved and the way you need to be loved, will never change. If you both can't understand or live with the way your partner needs to be loved, then you need to reevaluate your situation. 

Just because you need to be loved by one way, does not mean that's how he needs to be loved, and vice versa.


----------



## Lilies12

We have read the 5 love languages and it works for a short time then goes back to arguing about it again. 

I'm sure the cheating has to do with the way I feel about our marriage and our sex life. But it's hard to move on from it. It's difficult to have a sex life (at least for me) when there is the constant pressure for intimacy.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lilies12 said:


> We have read the 5 love languages and it works for a short time then goes back to arguing about it again.
> 
> I'm sure the cheating has to do with the way I feel about our marriage and our sex life. But it's hard to move on from it. It's difficult to have a sex life (at least for me) when there is the constant pressure for intimacy.


If he cheated and then rugswept it....I wouldn't let him touch me at all.


----------



## thefam

Both our love language us touch. Therefore I don't care what kind of touch as long as there's lots of it. Sexual touching is even better. I can, however sympathize with others for who it is too much. Im not much of a romantic so rose petals in the bathtub does nothing for me. I prefer the actual touching including affection.

So I can definitely see how if thats not your love language too much of it is a turnoff. But I also see your husband's POV that he NEEDS it. With good communication you should as a couple be willing to discuss how BOTH can get their needs met! Otherwise the one who is not wiil become resentful.


----------



## anonmd

I suppose if you don't like it then yes - he is crossing the line if you made that clear to him. 

On the other hand, you are crossing the line by ignoring his need for sex on a regular / frequent basis.


----------



## Yeswecan

Faithful Wife said:


> If he cheated and then rugswept it....I wouldn't let him touch me at all.


^^^

It is my suggestion you ask the mods to lock your two threads and start a new thread with ALL the information concerning your marriage, the infidelity and the aftermath.


----------



## Keke24

In the past I noticed that sometimes I would welcome my partner's groping and his exclamations of how sexy I/my ass was but other times it turned me way off as I felt objectified by it. The chapter: "The First Thing She Can't Do Without - Affection" from His Needs Her Needs explained exactly why that was happening.

When there was a reduction in affectionate gestures eg hand holding, light caressing, kissing me on the forehead, hugs etc it made me feel unloved and that's when his approach came across as crass and objectifying. It starts a cycle that the chapter describes: "She doesn't get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He doesn't get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being is affectionate".

If the 5 Love Languages hasn't helped, try the aforementioned text.


----------



## Rowan

I'm guessing that you disliking being touched by your husband has worlds to do with his history of (serial?) cheating. Some part of you obviously feels he doesn't respect you, that he isn't trustworthy, and that he can't be counted on. You probably wouldn't enjoy being groped at random by a stranger - and that would be someone you don't know anything about. It's not really any wonder that you don't enjoy being groped by a man with _a proven track record _of being shady as all hell.

Yes, sex is likely vitally important to your husband - as it is to many men - in helping him to feel loved. But, what's he doing to help _you_ feel loved? It's clear he wants you to meet his need for sex. Is he meeting your needs for things that are not sex? Does he consider your non-sexual needs as valid as his own need for sex? 

And, what steps has he taken to change his life and his mindset so that you can feel safe in trusting him to be faithful going forward?


----------



## lucy999

I love it when my bf grabs my butt or spanks it when im bending over for something. Makes me feel desired and sexy, which is a huge deal for me since our sex life isn't the greatest. 

However, if he had cheated, that changes everything. I would feel mad and like just another warm body, nothing special, if he groped me.


----------



## Herschel

So, I just read your previous thread about how you were flirting with someone else and he was sexing other women in your house. 

A) No **** you don't want to be groped by a guy who stuck his **** in someone else 
B) This relationship seems really damaged and I don't see how it is fixable given what you have done
C) GTFO 
D) Go to counseling to get over getting groped by your loved one overall (assuming it's someone new and the desire is there, getting groped is good)


----------



## jorgegene

it's important for men (any man) to be able to read their wives moods, likes, and act accordingly.
otherwise it's selfish and all about him.

a wife should be treated like a treasure, because that's what she is (same goes for your husband).
groping, grabbing and forcing oneself upon another is not manly behavior really.

i don't like the term 'love language' because although it has utility it sounds like too much of a cliche.
this is so elementary that it defies having to define it by pop psychology.
ideally, it should come naturally, not by reading a book or seeking out a guru.

this is why male role models (dads!) is so important.


----------



## TheCuriousWife

I like "romantic" groping. If you can understand what I mean. I would love to be cooking and my husband come up behind me and hug me tight, a smooth caress, let his hands gently wander... 

I do not like being pinched, or biten, or roughly squeezed. That kind of groping is annoying.


----------



## Daisy12

I too would be worried if my husband stopped groping me whenever he gets a chance. Sometimes when my husband caresses a boob while I'm making supper my first thought is, seriously..I'm cooking here, but you know i would rather he be touching my boob than someone elses and i think about it from the stand point that he is expressing his desire for me so I usually give him a "Don't forget about the other one" or " i got something else you can caress" or i turn around and do a little rubbing myself on him and then he leaves me feeling satisifed and not deflated, which i think men feel when their sexual advances are turned down, deflated. 

Does the fact that he cheated before cause you to dislike the groping or do you really object to the physical contact? If you really dislike the physical contact then i would have a talk to your husband, but i feel a lot of men like to touch their wifes and frequently. I'm sorry your husband has cheated on you, that must be some of the worst pain a spouse can feel to be betrayed by their partner that way. I hope he is doing the hard work it's going to take to get your marriage back to where it needs to be.

All the best.


----------



## uhtred

It can be tricky to understand what is "good" groping, and what is "bad" groping. It can be obvious to you, bit not to him. 

From other posts here, its clear that different people find different things OK or not.

Can you describe what is and isn't OK? Then do you think you can communicate that to your husband? Or have you and he is ignoring it?





Lilies12 said:


> Hi Ladies!
> snip
> Sometimes I don't mind it sometimes it p*sses me off ....
> snip


----------



## katiecrna

I am affectionate but I like a certain type of affection. I love when my husband gently hugs me, puts his hands on my butt gently or my boobs gently I don't mind that. That makes me feel sexy and loved. My husband use to slap my ass so hard or grab my ass and I hated it. Especially if I was in the kitchen cooking. This type of touch imo is more for him, and made me feel like a piece of meat and he felt like a "man" or whatever. 
It's just a difference of opinion. Maybe you can come to an agreement with how you like to touched?


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
If you do not give your H what he needs then he will get it elsewhere. This is an evident fact. You can argue that you are not a "touchy" person until the sun comes up but it changes nothing. I will emphatically say that his cheating is wrong, period. However, if you know his need and refuse to acknowledge and deal with it then you should not be surprised when he does it. I do not understand how his touch is groping. You are his wife, the desire of his heart.

You cannot take a man who loves vintage automobiles, agree to give him a totally tricked out 67 corvette and then not allow him to drive it. Why would someone do such a thing? Also, how is it that you find your husbands touches annoying but find the inappropriate texts of a co-worker something worth responding to? You have said that you love your H but on what do you base that proclamation? He annoys you with his physical advances, he is untrustworthy, you had little concern for his feelings (no qualms about what your interactions with the co-worker would do to him), so what is it, exactly, that you love about him? Perhaps this is the real issue. Perhaps you believe that "love" is something that it is not.

Perhaps you stay out of convenience or comfort rather than "love". If this is so, you are doing a disservice to him and to yourself as well. It may be worth actually doing some introspection to determine if you really care for him.


----------



## notmyrealname4

Reach in his pants and yank on his bolls....maybe then he'll understand.


----------



## Hope1964

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> If you do not give your H what he needs then he will get it elsewhere.


What bullpucky.

If your marriage has deteriorated to the point where your wife can't stand you touching her, then it's time to do a serious evaluation of the state of the marriage, NOT time to go jump into someone else's pants. If after consideration you decide you don't want to be married to a cold fish, then divorce and THEN go jump in someone elses pants.


----------



## arbitrator

notmyrealname4 said:


> Reach in his pants and yank on his bolls....maybe then he'll understand.


*But before you do any of that yanking, get yourself some protective gloves ~ after all, you have no earthly idea where those "bolls" have been!*


----------



## Blondilocks

There is loving touch and there is groping. Groping can come across to some as molesting. It's interesting that he starts that crap when you are busy and have your hands full. He knows you are at a disadvantage so he takes advantage to do what he knows you dislike. That's passive aggressive behavior.


----------



## 269370

Lilies12 said:


> Hi Ladies!
> 
> Question for you all, my husband is constantly "groping" me (at least that's how I feel). Anytime my husband touches me he is always grabbing my breasts, grabbing my butt and just rubbing on me in some way. Sometimes I don't mind it sometimes it p*sses me off because I feel like all I'm here for is his groping pleasure! I will be cooking and he walks up behind me and literally both of his hands are on my breasts and he is squeezing them and kissing my neck, basically holding me tight to the point where I can barely move, and then as he lets go squeezes my butt. Most of the time I feel partly violated, he doesn't seem to respect the fact that I don't want to constantly be touched.
> 
> So my question is how would that make you feel? Would that make you feel loved, attractive, etc? Would you be okay with your husband or BF doing that to you?
> 
> The whole sex/intimacy thing has been an issue with my husband and I for about 2 years now, probably longer. He has this huge thing about sex and feeling loved. It has to be sex for him to feel loved, apparently snuggling and hand holding doesn't really count but "it helps a little". I'm over it because we fight about this constantly, because I am the total opposite. I don't need physical love, I actually do not like people rubbing on me. When we discuss him touching me as described above; he says "Fine then I won't touch you anymore and I won't ask you for sex". Then 2 days later we fight about sex again or I worry that he's cheating, again!
> 
> Just trying to get an idea of what other women make of what I am calling "groping". Having their partner physically touch them, etc.
> 
> Thanks!


The correct answer depends entirely on how YOU feel about it. Always go with your first instinct: it seems to me like you are uncomfortable with this in which case I would absolutely make it clear that this is not ok. There is a time and place for "groping" and if it's not the right time or place, then he shouldn't be indulged (same response applies to Daisy, I think? - the actions should not be motivated by fear of husband losing attraction for you. If the fear is there in the first place, then something else is not right).

Having said that, I sometimes give my wife a slap on the behind (I find groping out of the blue a little tasteless, personally). It's hit & miss (so to speak); she sometimes flushes with embarrassment, mainly from excitement, and sometimes looks annoyed. If the latter, I usually make it up to her with a gentle kiss and apology, if the former, I let her wait in anticipation for more.

Whatever the case: the husband should never feel "entitlement" to sex/groping etc when it's not appropriate.

People have been screaming "cheater!" on this thread: what has your husband done exactly?


----------



## FeministInPink

Personally, I LOVE the groping. Now, one of my two primary love languages is physical touch. So I love the hand holding, arm around my shoulder, hugging, playing footsie, etc. If we go to a restaurant, and we are seated in a big enough booth, I like to sit on the same side as my partner so our legs can touch or I can lay my head on his shoulder, and if we sit across from each other in a booth, he'll hold my hand from across the table; if we're at a table, we'll sit in the two corner chairs so we can be close. All that makes me feel loved and cherished. But it's not sexy.

I came from a sexless marriage, and it completely destroyed my self-esteem, my body image, and my sexual confidence. So the groping meets my love language, and it reminds me that my partner thinks I'm sexy. He never does it because he's looking for it to lead to sex in that moment (or he may not even be interested in having sex at all that day!), it's groping for groping's sake, and his way of saying to me, "Hey, maybe we don't have sex today, but I want you to know that I find you attractive and sexy." (I get distraught if we go for too long without sex, which for me is about a week, because we don't live together. I'm OK if it's longer for a specific reason, like one of us is traveling, but if that's the case, then I expect that we will be having sex at the first opportunity.) 

BUT..... if I was in your situation, I bet I would feel differently. Honestly, I think if I was in your situation, I would recoil from all physical contact.

Because, as much as I LOVE and NEED physical contact with my partner, that's something reserved for just him. I don't like other people touching me. I hate when casual acquaintances think it's ok to hug me or touch me on my arm, or whatever. Touch is reserved for family and close friends. It takes a long time for me to be comfortable with someone and physical contact. It requires trust. So if my SO cheated on me, I wouldn't trust them anymore, and therefore wouldn't want them touching me anymore. I'm not surprised by your reaction, and I think some of the comments here are a little unfair; they clearly don't know the context.

(Helpful hint--it might be good to either give some context, or link to your other thread, in the initial post.)


----------



## FeministInPink

Lilies12 said:


> We have read the 5 love languages and it works for a short time then goes back to arguing about it again.
> 
> I'm sure the cheating has to do with the way I feel about our marriage and our sex life. But it's hard to move on from it. It's difficult to have a sex life (at least for me) when there is the constant pressure for intimacy.


How long has it been since he cheated? Does he understand that he needs to earn your trust again, before you'll be comfortable being intimate again?

Constant pressure to be intimate is the biggest libido killer in the world. In his mind, it's over. He's apologized, and he wants to go back to the way things were, and he thinks you should accept that because he's apologized (I assume). It takes time to build trust and real intimacy, and he wants to skip over all of that. He doesn't seem to realize that the two of you can't pick up where you left off before the affair; you need to go back to zero and rebuild.

Are the two of you in MC?


----------



## jb02157

Lilies12 said:


> We have read the 5 love languages and it works for a short time then goes back to arguing about it again.
> 
> I'm sure the cheating has to do with the way I feel about our marriage and our sex life. But it's hard to move on from it. It's difficult to have a sex life (at least for me) when there is the constant pressure for intimacy.


If you don't want intimacy with him then why are you still together?


----------



## frusdil

I love it when I'm cooking and my husband comes along behind me and feels me up, lol. I don't consider it groping. Often I'll be on the doorstep waiting for the dogs to do their business before we go to bed and he'll come up behind me, stick his hands under my shirt and have a play with the girls, lolol.

BUT my husband hasn't cheated...if he had that would change everything. I don't think I could stand his hands anywhere near me if that were the case.


----------



## Davidmidwest

Dear lilly,

Nothing wrong with what he is doing. I am a male and I learned that women like to be touched. Touched on the rear end once in a while when you are wearing jeans just as long as he says "you fill them out nice-your hot!, Touches your arm, you let him show PDA's in public and in private. You should re-direct his touch by telling him so, but tell him withholding sex is not appropriate and it should stop. I wouldn't like if if my wife grabbed my front area. It has been done before. That area is sensitive, i feel for you. Do this, When he is doing the dishes sneak up behind him, wrap your arms around him, Kiss his ear or side of his neck very enticingly, say come up stairs in ten minutes. There can always be more of this more regularly if you stop groping me and touch my nicely once in a while to show me you love me. I like being touched but do not grope my privates. Come on, finish the dishes, come to the bedroom in exactly ten minutes-keep the sexy kissing pecks while you softly tell him this. It will stop for sure. If not, just repeat. We are dogs and need constant re-training with positive reinforcement. Add a romantic meal you make with candles and the kids away twice a month. I wish my wife did that. It would make my mind spin. I would have a hard time waiting for desert in the champagne room. When he comes home, have music playing, and ask him not to say a word, just enjoy the experience. Then when you sit together-toast and set the occasion to tell each other how much you care. Last bit- Tell him how you admire him and he is your hero when it is an appropriate time. The timing must be right and it must be sincere. Do this all men's heads will follow the wife's lead without us men knowing it.
How I know this, I've been around the block three times and each time of marriage failure, I felt worse and worse as a provider and failing to demonstrate to my wife her love language. I pray i get it right the next time if there is one.

See a counselor together if this don't work.


----------



## turnera

Davidmidwest said:


> Dear lilly,
> 
> Nothing wrong with what he is doing. I am a male and I learned that women like to be touched.


Actually, there is something wrong if she has told him she doesn't want it and he persists. Not correct to make a blanket statement that women like to be touched. There are many factors involved, as shown in this thread alone.


----------



## AVR1962

I am like you OP.....I like hand holding, a hug without being groped, a quick peck and I really like being told I am loved and what my partner likes about me to show me he cares about who I am. My ex didn't grab my body parts but in the early stages of our marriage he would say these very jr high lusty comments about my body that made me feel like he was obsessed with sex (which now, I think he was). I absolutely would not like what your husband is doing. I need to be loved for who I am as a person and not for my female body parts.


----------

