# I need advice...



## Confused college student (Jul 31, 2010)

Here's my story. My boyfriend and I have been dating since we were both in the 7th grade. We are now 18 and doing just fine. We are both so blessed to find "the one" at such a young age. A lot of people told us that once we went to high school we would grow apart and break up. Well I just graduated in June and we're still together! We have a big problem. He is having a lot of family problems at home and his mom doesn't want anything to do with him. We live in NC and he has a sister that lives in MO. He is planning on moving there in less than a month. This is putting a big strain on our relationship. I don't want him to go because we have never been apart for more than a week and I don't want to lose him. He thinks that we can still be together and that far apart and do fine. He said it isn't a permanent move, just so he can get on his own two feet and get away from his family. MO is 16 hours away from where we live now. He wants me to go with him but I am getting ready to start collage and I have family here. We planned to get married in the next two years but here's the thing, he wants to get married now. I would love to but I don't know right now. He has a great full time job and works 56 hours a week. I'm starting school in the fall and I won't be able to work very much. What do I do? Should I support his decision of wanting to get out of his family decision? Should I get married and still go to college?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You really never know what the bonds holding your relationship together are until you test them.

Go to college. Let him go to Missouri. You started your relationship as children. It's time to test it as adults.

Getting married now in no way improves either of your lives. In fact getting married now, is the _childish_ thing to do. It would also undoubtedly test your relationship. No jobs, no place to call your own, no clear vision for the future - for either of you.

There is one sure way to discover if you are meant to be together, and that is to spend some time apart and grow into the adults you are meant to be.

Good luck


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## Confused college student (Jul 31, 2010)

See the thing is...he's really depressed about his family and this is his chance to run. He hasn't thought it out. He will have no job, no car, nothing. He says i'm selfish for wanting him to stay here but i'm thinking logically and he isn't.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Then let him go.

He's being selfish for wanting you to follow him. This is kind of my point. Each of you need to do what you need to do.

I have no idea what the issue with his family is - but if it is substantial enough for him to want to leave, and leave you, then it obviously is serious to him.

All of the things you are trying to make him see, he will, and he will adjust, once he's made his decision.

So yes, you may be correct - he hasn't thought it all out. All the more reason that you should NOT sign up for his get married and run away plan.

Let him screw up. Those are the lessons we learn the most and grow from.


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## Confused college student (Jul 31, 2010)

So do you think he will get there and realize the grass isn't greener on the other side and realize what he left behind?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

He will certainly learn that he either really loves you or he will be in limbo, like he is today. 

Let him go and look after yourself, he may decide to man up and come home to sweep you off your feet and if he does not, you can move on with your life.


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## Confused college student (Jul 31, 2010)

I hope so. I wish he could just resolve his family problems but it's not as easy as it sounds.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Logic does not apply too well to emotional matters. Whatever is going on is a big enough deal that he feels the need to go 16 hrs away to solve it. That's not a minor issue. Whether you like it or not, this is what he needs to do. And you trying to be logical and talk him out of it isn't going to change his mind, it's really more likely to convince him he needs to do what he wants to do. 

I don't think getting married right now is a good idea. As you said, he has no job, no car, nothing there. Which means he not only can't take care of himself but he can't take care of you. And you will be giving up college for him, and if even a hint of trouble crops up between you two later, that will be a hotbed for resentment. 

You two have been together for many years. If you are truly in love and truly meant to be together, then this will not break you up. And people make long distance relationships work all the time. My boyfriend, until recently, was an over the road truck driver. Our relationship, from day one, consisted of him being gone for about a month, and home for 2-5 days. While he didn't actually LIVE somewhere else, he was gone all the time, so it was the same thing. We spent tons of time on the phone and appreciated our time together all the more because it was so rare. 

You're adults now. You must do the adult thing and let him go do this. No, he probably hasn't thought it out. You know what? My boyfriend is 32 and he STILL doesn't always think things out. He thinks he does, but I can always find a flaw in his argument. But I don't always point it out to him. If it's not going to kill us financially, and it doesn't involve killing, cheating, or lying, I usually let him figure out on his own that what he thought would work wasn't really all it was cracked up to be. And yes, it will be hard on you. But all relationships face hard times. The hard times help make you stronger, or they break you. If they make you stronger, then you have even more confidence that your relationship can withstand anything that's thrown at it. And if it breaks you...well, better that it happen now than after you're married and have a child or two that will be affected. 

Let him go. Tell him you wish he wouldn't and you'd love to help him if he changes his mind, but you understand and you love him, so you'll support his decision. Then you just do your part to make sure the relationship works: call him, text him, don't ignore his calls, try to keep him included in your daily life, etc. The rest is up to him.


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## Confused college student (Jul 31, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Logic does not apply too well to emotional matters. Whatever is going on is a big enough deal that he feels the need to go 16 hrs away to solve it. That's not a minor issue. Whether you like it or not, this is what he needs to do. And you trying to be logical and talk him out of it isn't going to change his mind, it's really more likely to convince him he needs to do what he wants to do.
> 
> I don't think getting married right now is a good idea. As you said, he has no job, no car, nothing there. Which means he not only can't take care of himself but he can't take care of you. And you will be giving up college for him, and if even a hint of trouble crops up between you two later, that will be a hotbed for resentment.
> 
> ...


Wow. Thanks for that advice. We've been through a lot of hard times and we've always gotten through them so more than likely we can get through this. I will be done with college in two years or less and then we can get married. I just hope I can stay strong for him.


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