# Need men's opinions



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband is talking about a divorce. We live a very stressful life right now, he is a resident that works 80-100 hrs a week. I am a full time student that does clinical 40hrs a week. He has 1 year till he is done, I have 6 months. We have been fighting non stop for 6 months. He is passive, and I have a dominant personality. I didn't realize the damaged I caused and I wish I can take it all back. We have been married for 5 years, and together for 14years. We are both 30, no kids, and both Christian. He mentioned a divorce. We have been talking about it together and crying a lot together. He says he doesn't want a divorce but sees no other option bc he doesn't think he can make me happy. He says he is a shell of a man and although he loves me, he has no feelings left. I'm trying to convince him that he is the only one who can make me happy, the only one I want and part of the reason why were miserable is bc we are so busy and we don't have any time together. He doesn't want to go to therapy bc he doesn't think it will help. He is very sensitive and doesn't seem to be able to take anymore stress and fighting. Honestly he is so passive and quite and I think I totally messed him up without realizing it bc he can not handle stress or fighting. I'm frustrated bc I just want to know for sure what he wants and I keep asking him... Do U want a divorce or can you try one more time to make it work. He can't answer this and it's not fair to me. I am 100% into making this better and I think the only way this marriage will work is if we both give it 100% and he doesn't know what he wants to do which is hurting me more bc I want to get on with my life.
So I am asking the men out there... Is it possible for him to regain feelings again after feeing dead inside? I just want to know if it is too late. He is unable to tell me what he wants to do and part of me think he already made up his mind but I feel like this marriage can work and I am trying to fight for it. Yesterday we just cuddled and cried. It's just really sad and I don't want to divorce at all.


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> My husband is talking about a divorce. We live a very stressful life right now, he is a resident that works 80-100 hrs a week. I am a full time student that does clinical 40hrs a week. He has 1 year till he is done, I have 6 months. We have been fighting non stop for 6 months. He is passive, and I have a dominant personality. I didn't realize the damaged I caused and I wish I can take it all back. We have been married for 5 years, and together for 14years. We are both 30, no kids, and both Christian. He mentioned a divorce. We have been talking about it together and crying a lot together. He says he doesn't want a divorce but sees no other option bc he doesn't think he can make me happy. He says he is a shell of a man and although he loves me, he has no feelings left. I'm trying to convince him that he is the only one who can make me happy, the only one I want and part of the reason why were miserable is bc we are so busy and we don't have any time together. He doesn't want to go to therapy bc he doesn't think it will help. He is very sensitive and doesn't seem to be able to take anymore stress and fighting. Honestly he is so passive and quite and I think I totally messed him up without realizing it bc he can not handle stress or fighting. I'm frustrated bc I just want to know for sure what he wants and I keep asking him... Do U want a divorce or can you try one more time to make it work. He can't answer this and it's not fair to me. I am 100% into making this better and I think the only way this marriage will work is if we both give it 100% and he doesn't know what he wants to do which is hurting me more bc I want to get on with my life.
> So I am asking the men out there... Is it possible for him to regain feelings again after feeing dead inside? I just want to know if it is too late. He is unable to tell me what he wants to do and part of me think he already made up his mind but I feel like this marriage can work and I am trying to fight for it. Yesterday we just cuddled and cried. It's just really sad and I don't want to divorce at all.


That is the same question I ask myself. My STBXW didn't want therapy, she is so pushy and "my way or the highway" that I give up. I love her, I want to go to marriage counseling but she refuses. All I can do now, and all you can do, is work the 180 Recovery and see what life gives you next. (By you doing the 180 Recovery he may rediscover why he fell in love with you in the first place.) I would strongly encourage the both of you to try marriage counseling before using the nuclear option. Tell him you don't want to go to a _counselor_, you want to talk with your _*pastor*_ together. That may make it a little more acceptable to him. The both of you are working incredibly long hours along with school. There is going to be some frayed nerves and fighting. You have to ask yourselves are your careers worth your marriage and is your marriage worth your careers. If you both decide that neither is expendable then the counseling may help.
Yes, he can love you again, that dead feeling is temporary. Most likely more from mental and emotional exhaustion than anything. Residency is a bollucks buster! One good thing, though-House is made up, not a real doctor!
Good luck.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Right now the two of you don’t even have enough time in a day to get a full night’s sleep. Neither of you really have the time to keep up a good marriage.

I know as I went through this as well and yes we ended up divorced 3 months after his residency was done. There was nothing left to hold together.

Your pressuring him right now is only hurting things worse. I get that you want to know that he will keep working on the relationship and not divorce you. But come on, after working 80 to 100 hours a week, him coming home to you pressuring him, fighting etc is only going to drive him away.

If you want your marriage to survive the next year (or 2-3 years) you need to stop this. My suggestion is that you learn live day by day. When the two of you are together, drop all the relationship talk. Instead spend time together make each other feel better, nurturing each other.

After you and he are done with school and residency, then you can start planning your future.

And yes, there is a possibility that your relationship cannot be recovered. But what you are doing it pushing it over the edge.

There are two books that I think would really help you: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You have made several posts indicating you are deeply unhappy with him. How about listening to those feelings?

It is normal to feel sad about the end of a relationship. But a relationship that is based on natural compatibility should not need so much work. If it cannot stand on its own, pretty effortlessly, imo you would be better off accepting that it is over and moving on. 

Do you want to feel frustrated all the time? Why would you accept so little for yourself?


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Off the top of my head. 1) He has an average of 9.7 hours per day away from work and you want him to schedule in counseling? 2) you were together for 9 years before signing a paper together. You have been married five years without a child. I don't sense commitment here. More of a together for convenience situation.

The Man's opinion you asked for:
He is trying to tell you that you are asking for something from him that he isn't willing to give you. He claims that it is because he doesn't have it. It could also be because he doesn't like giving it. Or Worst case, he doesn't want to give it to you. He would rather leave than hear you ask for it again. Simple as that.

A side note: If he thinks finishing residency while going through a divorce will be easier, he's stupider than you think.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would say, give him and yourself some space to think. When you are with each other do NOT talk about the problems. If you keep pushing you will end up divorced. Let the emotions settle, be someone he wants to come home to. i know you are both hurting, frustrated, tired and angry but that is not going to help resolve your problems.
Mort Fertel ( a marriage advisor) suggests speaking with your actions, you can do it alone, your H doesn't need to participate. You can change the whole climate of the marriage, by being sensitive, appreciative and not so pushy. 

How To Save Marriage: 6 Unconventional Tips


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Right now the two of you don’t even have enough time in a day to get a full night’s sleep. Neither of you really have the time to keep up a good marriage.
> 
> I know as I went through this as well and yes we ended up divorced 3 months after his residency was done. There was nothing left to hold together.
> 
> ...


*THIS!

If you both have as much as a solitary Christian bone in either of your bodies, you will commit in giving this advice an earnest try!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> You have made several posts indicating you are deeply unhappy with him. How about listening to those feelings?
> 
> It is normal to feel sad about the end of a relationship. But a relationship that is based on natural compatibility should not need so much work. If it cannot stand on its own, pretty effortlessly, imo you would be better off accepting that it is over and moving on.
> 
> Do you want to feel frustrated all the time? Why would you accept so little for yourself?


This is something you need to consider, OP. 

You seem to be frustrated at who your husband intrinsically is, at his essence. Yet you want to find how to make it work. Why? Is it pride in not being divorced?

If you love him as much as you claim, why do you struggle accepting who he is?

Is this "dominant" personality you say you have actually being controlling? It would appear that way from the outside looking in.

Understand I am not putting this completely on you, either. But I think you need to take a hard look at how you behave when things don't go the way you want them to.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I didn't realize the damaged I caused and I wish I can take it all back. We have been married for 5 years, and together for 14years. We are both 30, no kids, and both Christian. He mentioned a divorce. We have been talking about it together and crying a lot together. He says he doesn't want a divorce but sees no other option bc he doesn't think he can make me happy."OP

what are the dynamics of your constant fighting? what do you fight about? Do you nag him?

why can't he 'make you happy'?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You have a lot of issues and so does he. None have the time and energy to expend it on a relationship.

BS on the "you need him to be happy," because none of you are happy. Btw, you are a smart person, why suffer oneitis, the delusion of making someone and putting pressure on that person to be the one and only. Your identity is intrinsically meshed with his that you cannot separate the two.

Your life will go on with or without him. You are self-deceiving yourself because of your probable own self-insecurities and be honest with yourself, you do not want to be divorced, you want a different person wearing the same skin as your husband, your fear of probable abandonment, the part of you that identifies as his wife, partner, or whatever.

From your other post, he has a lot of flaws as well, which you both have.

Also, because of your faith, does the stigma of a divorce also have something to do with your decision?

Listen, you both were together since teenagers, half of your life. Over those years, a major part of both of your development changed the both of you to who you are now. The two individuals is perhaps incongruent with one another. What once may have been compatible may be no longer, and the two individuals have a harder time gapping the distance.

You do realize that you two were together during the most crucial period of mental development correct? Also, you are barely a couple and more likely in name only. To be honest, you two even if you had the time to be together, might not end up liking one another and most of what you know of him, his feelings, thoughts, they were probably a past self.

So, my advice is both of you should finish your own thing, because the stress accumulated is higher on the totem of priority since it is a health hazard and more of your resources are fighting it off and to add the stress of a relationship on top of that, especially one in crisis, there is only a certain amount before it is healthy to take away one of the stressors.

Just breathe for now and figure out what you want, what you both want after your education is completed.

My aim is not to save your marriage, but what ends up being better for one's own mental health. The only permenance in your life is yourself, not a partner. Anything can happen in the future and you need to be okay as yourself first and foremost.


----------



## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

When I was working 100 hours a week I didn't have the strength left to argue at home. I needed food and sleep. At the time, it didn't make for a good home life but we survived.

Don't know where you would fit in therapy given your work loads. It typically has homework as well and is emotionally draining. The book ideas mentioned above are good. Or what about movies? It is an even lighter option, almost no work. But you sit down together and enjoy something together, with little talking and no arguing. Perhaps a romance with people working through their issues. (Can't believe I just recommended a chick flick)

Practice biting you tongue every time you get near to arguing or nagging. Not easy or fair, but your arguing is winning battles and loosing the war.

How is your church life? Talk to the elders of the church. You will probably be amazed that many sweet old couples have had all sorts of life experiences and been through battles and can offer great advice based on that. Talk to your pastor.


----------



## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> My husband is (...) a resident that works 80-100 hrs a week. I am a full time student that does clinical 40hrs a week.


Well, I am surprised the both of you did not end up in your ER already.
With this workload, who is doing anything but working and falling asleep at home?

You should

a) lower the workload or
b) fight through the next 6 to 12 months 

At the moment, you are running into desaster because at least your husband seems to be just at the end of his power. He is burned out, fatigued, done. I would not be surprised if that is the real killer.

Neither of you can take care of your own needs at the moment. How should you even cope with taking care of your spouse's?

With more sparetime love would come back I assume.

Regards

asdfjkl


----------



## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

"So I am asking the men out there... Is it possible for him to regain feelings again after feeing dead inside?"

Female here but I just wanted to answer the main question you came here for and that's a YES. Yes it's possible. It's happened to both me and my husband. We have been together 13 years. 
About 4 years ago my husband was feeling the same as your husband and after a lot of work says he now feels more in love with me than ever. 
Currently I've been going in and out of love for him the past year. At one point just weeks ago I couldn't stand to hear his voice and to have him touch me. It made me feel ick. After a long week of talks that were genuine I got that spark back and now I feel like I should towards him. 
We clearly have some issues if I can go back and forth so easy. 

Anyways- yes it's possible and I've experienced it myself from both sides. 

Ok so I don't want to sound awful but with your husband being in residency this should not even be that big of an issue. Residency is hard, super hard and ridiculous grueling hours and not to mention all the bs that you are put through just bc you are the resident. 

I think during this next year, you try and put issues on the back burner. That's awful to say I know but he really needs his 100% focus spent on getting through residency the next year. 
With you being dominant I'm going to assume you are a tad controlling? Like things a certain way? Totally guessing on those last 2. 
When he says he feels he can't make you happy- he probably truly feels this way. He's probably confused as to why he's even having to address these issues when he's never home and busting his butt 100 hours a week. I know it sucks to have to put a marriage on hold for someone to finish up school or doing a residency program. I've been there done that and it was one of the worst years ever. It's hard but once he gets through it his stress will be reduced so much and he can start to move forward and into his career. 
He really needs you to be his cheerleader right now, not the one stressing him out or adding to his already crazy stress load. 

Forget the MC- he doesn't have the time for that. 
Maybe you should try IC to get you through this next year and then readdress the issues then?  hugs 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


----------



## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

I also 2nd the mort fertel? Program... You should try that  my husband did it and it was a marriage saver! It's an email they send you... 


Sent from my iPod touch using Tapatalk


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

NO ONE can make you HAPPY but yourself! Maybe both of you should just co-exist until the crazy workload lets up so you have time to focus on relationship.

If you wake up in a pissy mood, nothin your husband does is gonna change it. STOP expecting him to make you happy. How would you feel if he hit you up for a list of things that you had to do to MAKE him happy at the end of a long day??


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Imovedforthis said:


> "So I am asking the men out there... Is it possible for him to regain feelings again after feeing dead inside?"
> 
> Female here but I just wanted to answer the main question you came here for and that's a YES. Yes it's possible. It's happened to both me and my husband. We have been together 13 years.
> About 4 years ago my husband was feeling the same as your husband and after a lot of work says he now feels more in love with me than ever.
> ...




I agree with you. I learned my lesson about nagging and complaining. You said this shouldn't be a problem but it is a problem bc he is considering divorce now, before he is done with his residency. I'm trying to convince him that things will get better when he is done. I'm not sure he wants to wait that long. Who knows. At first he didn't want to work it out. Now he says he will try to work it out but only for a month. And now I'm just trying to convince him to just relax, and not put a time limit on working things out. The problem is, he does whatever he wants to do so I can't convince him of much.
I'm just in limbo. I'm Being as nice as I can and we are talking things out and I just have to wait and see if he chooses me. He said right now he is still dead inside and doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore. I hope this changes, but I think it's out of my hands at this point.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@katiecrna quote:

The problem is, he does whatever he wants to do so I can't convince him of much.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

This may be true. You cannot reconcile by yourself.

I would be pleasant with him during this month, giving him every opportunity to change his stance. Do not do a lot of talking. Do not talk about your relationship unless he brings it up. If he does, respond calmly.

He said he would give the relationship a month? What is this. Why a month? Is he stringing you along, because HE HAS PLANS that go into effect in ~30 days. He wants to keep things peaceful until he makes his move. I don't know. It may mean THAT or it may mean nothing. Be vigilant.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I agree with Elegirl, don't talk about the marriage at all right now, you'll just stress him out more. I know you want answers but you will just have to wait until he can answer you.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> @katiecrna quote:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree with u. Something in me tells me that he is just keeping the peace till he finally makes his move. The thought of this pisses me off so much, which is why I want to ask him about the relationship. It's hard not to ask, but how he talks about the relationship is so negative. 
The thing is... Our lease on our condo is due, and neither of us can afford it by ourselves. He wanted to renew the lease together, which I thought was a good sign, then he says... If we break up, he will pay the rent for me till the end of the year bc he would feel so bad. So I don't know what to think. So yesterday we signed the contract for another year...


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I agree with u. Something in me tells me that he is just keeping the peace till he finally makes his move. The thought of this pisses me off so much, which is why I want to ask him about the relationship. It's hard not to ask, but how he talks about the relationship is so negative.
> The thing is... Our lease on our condo is due, and neither of us can afford it by ourselves. He wanted to renew the lease together, which I thought was a good sign, then he says... If we break up, he will pay the rent for me till the end of the year bc he would feel so bad. So I don't know what to think. So yesterday we signed the contract for another year...


He has released the ball. It is heading for the pins.

I hope it is *NOT A STRIKE*. I hope it is a gutter ball and a forfeited play.

It does not look promising. 

This is a big speed bump in life. 

Be careful, the bump could throw you through the windshield. 

Put your seatbelt on and pull it tight.

Life does go on.

Good wishes and Good Luck to you.


----------



## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Are you active in the bedroom beyond cuddling? The fastest way to lower my stress as a man, is release. My wife and I got to a very low point and I finally accepted that it was over and started to make other plans. She then had an awakening and wanted things to work. Physical attention and her new commitment to it lowered my stress and changed my outlook over time. If you are the dominant person, you can initiate all kinds of things. If he doesn't seem interested, start with a good bj. If you aren't active, regular attention like this could lower his stress, change his view of you and open up possibilities. I think he has probably given up and is thinking that as a physician with a good income, he will find a great wife that will be who he needs them to be. You need to make him think that wife is you.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Are you active in the bedroom beyond cuddling? The fastest way to lower my stress as a man, is release. My wife and I got to a very low point and I finally accepted that it was over and started to make other plans. She then had an awakening and wanted things to work. Physical attention and her new commitment to it lowered my stress and changed my outlook over time. If you are the dominant person, you can initiate all kinds of things. If he doesn't seem interested, start with a good bj. If you aren't active, regular attention like this could lower his stress, change his view of you and open up possibilities. I think he has probably given up and is thinking that as a physician with a good income, he will find a great wife that will be who he needs them to be. You need to make him think that wife is you.




We had sex on Saturday. Before that it has been a while bc we have been fighting and he moved out for a week. I Initiate 90% of the time. I tried to have sex yesterday (Sunday) and it was an embarrassing fail haha. Oh well. 

We are both damaged. He is scared I'm going to go back to the miserable ***** who nags him and I'm scared he is going to throw me away again. It's tough.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You didn't want him until he didn't want you. 

Answer that for yourself, and you'll know what to do.


----------



## kalimata (Jan 29, 2014)

Your marriage sounds an awful like mine. I had a wife that was difficult to please. I lost romantic interest in her after about a year of fighting. 

We then made the mistake of sweeping everything under the rug and just continued on with our lives. The kids came next. For the next decade our marriage was in shambles while we raised kids. 

Then after years of a loveless marriage my wife decided to have an affair. This shattered my world. 

Sounds to me like your husband is already past the tipping point. Give
him some alone time. I'm not sure if you can save your marriage or not. But whatever you do either divorce or fix things now before having kids. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> You didn't want him until he didn't want you.
> 
> 
> 
> Answer that for yourself, and you'll know what to do.




Your right. I didn't want him as he was. I want him as he use to be and how he could be. That I guess is the problem. sometimes we see the potential, and we hold off Bc we think if only... Or if he just understand so then he will change. I keep thinking if I can get him to understand... 
I'm driving myself crazy. 

I want this marriage to work. And I think it can work. But the reality is... I don't like who he is right now, and how he treats me right now.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> Your right. I didn't want him as he was. I want him as he use to be and how he could be. That I guess is the problem. sometimes we see the potential, and we hold off Bc we think if only... Or if he just understand so then he will change. I keep thinking if I can get him to understand...
> I'm driving myself crazy.
> 
> I want this marriage to work. And I think it can work. But the reality is... I don't like who he is right now, and how he treats me right now.


Sorry.

I just don't believe that.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> Sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> I just don't believe that.




Believe what?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> Believe what?


I don't believe you want him for what he could be.

I think you only want him if you're worried someone else will accept him as he is.

If you don't want the man he is, why would that worry you?

He's not an improvement project.


----------



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

The way you make it sound is that you nagged at him before, so now he is different and now he is treating you differently...

Seems like you don't like him in any shape of who he truly is... only who YOU think he COULD be.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I see what ur saying now. I love my husband, but I am constantly being hurt my him. This leads me to be very unhappy and I try to explain to him how his behavior is making me feel and how it hurts me. This always becomes a fight for some reason and it appears like I'm Nagging him. my hope is to try to get him to understand how he is making me feel, in the chance that he will change his behavior Bc he loves me and wants to see me happy. 
If he goes back to the way things use to be... His complete lack of regard for me and my feelings, then I don't know if i can be in this relationship Bc it's not healthy for me. Understand I love him, I don't love how to treats me. And I always think that if he just understood how he is hurting me maybe he will change and that's what keeps me wanting to stay in this marriage.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Where we are right now... My husband doesn't want a divorce. He wants to make this marriage work. He says he does have romantic feelings for me, but they are not as strong as they use to be. Now we are learning more about passive aggressive personality and he agrees that he has some of those traits. (For him to admit that is HUGE). 
The more I learn about PA the more I realize how toxic this could really be and how rarely they change. So we talked about it, and I am trying to see if I can be able to "put up with" this behavior for life. He said he want me to be happy and he wants me to really figure out if this is something I can deal with. (As I have my own issues, I'm super sensitive and I get hurt easily). So I am trying to convince him to go to therapy with me and/or read a marriage book to help us. He is very verbal about wanting to make this work, but his actions tell a different story.

My husband can't deal with coming home to an unhappy wife. If I'm happy, he is happy. The problem is... His behavior and lack of emotional support and his emotional manipulation is making me unhappy. But whether or not he can change is behavior is to be determined. He doesn't appear to be making any efforts, but verbalized he is trying.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I see what ur saying now. I love my husband, but I am constantly being hurt my him. This leads me to be very unhappy and I try to explain to him how his behavior is making me feel and how it hurts me. This always becomes a fight for some reason and it appears like I'm Nagging him. my hope is to try to get him to understand how he is making me feel, in the chance that he will change his behavior Bc he loves me and wants to see me happy.
> If he goes back to the way things use to be... His complete lack of regard for me and my feelings, then I don't know if i can be in this relationship Bc it's not healthy for me. Understand I love him, I don't love how to treats me. And I always think that if he just understood how he is hurting me maybe he will change and that's what keeps me wanting to stay in this marriage.


Let's recap what seems to be your first post on TAM:



katiecrna said:


> *I always feel disappointed by my husband. I hate feeling like this, but I can't help it. My husband always feels like he is letting me down and disappointing me. He hates feeling like this and I hate that he feels like this.* But I honestly don't think I'm asking too much so it's super frustrating. *I feel like he is making me become this person I don't want to become... A nag.*


So...
Your husband feels like you continually feel let down by him, and he's 'making you' become a nag?



> We both work hard. I come home and work hard too. I do all the laundry, all the cleaning, and most of the cooking but to be honest we don't cook that much bc were both busy. We live in an apartment so he doesn't have to do yard work or whatever. All I want him to do is 1. Pick up after himself. 2. Take out the garbage. 3. Pay the bills. He never pays rent on time and we end up paying extra money bc it's late. The garbage overflows and there are multiple bags on top of the stairs all the time (and he walks right by them everyday).


All reasonable requests.

Why does he not pick up after himself, why does he not take out the garbage, and why does he not pay the bills?

What is his work schedule like?



> So I decided that I will no longer nag him, and I will no longer ask him to do stuff and if I can do it I will just do it. I am going to stop being his mom, and just be happy and stop being disappointed by him.
> 
> So it's Saturday and Valentine's Day. *Tomorrow he will be gone all day from 5am until the following afternoon (he is a resident and he is on call, so we won't be sleeping together).*


So... He's a resident with presumably a weird rotating shift schedule, right?



> So right off the bat I know that he will be going to bed early. He spent the morning getting the flat tire on his car fixed. I was cleaning the whole day plus I am trying to de clutter. Then he comes home and spends the next couple of hours studying. Btw he doesn't have a test he just studies bc he likes to study.


Isn't that a good thing? 




> He says he is going to make me a vday dinner. So I notice there are 3 bags of trash that are still there from at least a week ago(from me de cluttering) and a large bin full of the Christmas decorations from months ago that I asked him to take to the garage after new years (bc it's super heavy). So I decided to just take it all down myself bc looking at it is making me more and more mad. (especially bc he walks right by multiple times a day for weeks and still hasn't gotten rid of then even after I asked him ). *And BTW We haven't spent any time together yet today. Not even 10 mins together bc he is now studying in a room by himself.*


Are you jealous of his career?

Or is it that he values his career over spending time with you? 

Have you discussed this? What is life going to be like when he's no longer a resident?



> So then He goes and buys stuff for dinner. He comes home and it's 630 at night. Again we haven't spent anytime together yet. So he comes home, puts the grocery bags on the table and says ok well I'm going to go for a run then come back and cook for you. (He runs for like 8 miles and it will be at least 1-1.5hrs.
> I couldn't help it and my eyes started to fill up with tears, And again I feel disappointed. And we both end up feeling like crap.
> 
> Are my expectations too high? Is it me?


I think if he is a resident, some of this is to be expected.

Break it down for me. Why do you want to stay married to this man? The man he is right now?

Why would he want to stay married to you? Right now?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> Let's recap what seems to be your first post on TAM:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It's not about him being busy. I'm busy too. I have no problem doing the majority of the house work. Why doesn't he pick up after himself? Bc he doesn't want to do what he doesn't want to do. Also he has no regard for my feelings. Also probably Bc he's being spiteful or maybe forgetful. Who knows. 

I'm not jealous of his career. I'm the one who encouraged him to become a doctor. 
What I do have a problem with is his Inability to take responsibility and the fact that he goes to great extremes to avoid what he perceives as conflict. Also, he seems to have no regard for my feelings. 

He's very busy and works a lot. It works out for me because I am not only busy too but I love my alone time. I have no problem sleeping by myself a couple times a week Bc he is at the hospital. I am not needy in that sense. 

I love my husband. We have been married for 5 years and together over 10. I see this difficult time in our life as something that is partially situational Bc he is a resident and I am a student. 

So why do i want to be married to him? Bc I love him, and I know he is a good man, he makes me laugh, I know that he will drop anything in a second for me if I really need him, he has a good heart, we have a great sex life. The problem is right now he is dealing a lot with stress and Bc of my constant fighting (which I fixed), I think i caused a lot of damage to him and he has resentment and anger towards me. 
So yes, right now he is not treating me good. We have had a great marriage for many years until this last year. So although I don't exactly like how he is RIGHT now, doesn't mean I am going To dispose of him Bc of my selfish needs when maybe he is going through something difficult I don't understand. 

No ones marriage is perfect. People go through ups and downs. Sometimes one person needs to step back and help someone through a hard time and not worry about their needs. This may be me right now. I feel like my husband is kind of lost, and really going through a hard time. Or maybe he's just a ****. I don't know yet. Just Bc I'm not happy with him in our marriage right now doesn't mean that I should throw it away. 

Why does he want to stay married to me right now? Bc he loves me. Bc when I'm happy, I am really really happy, and I make him really happy (when I'm happy). Bc I have a very kind sweet heart. Bc we have the same values and beliefs. Bc we laugh together. He trusts me. Also he told me that if we ever broke up, he could never trust if someone actually likes him for him or him for his money, and he knows money isn't important to me and he knows I love him for him. 

What is our life going to be like after residency? Well we will move back to both of our hometown and be with both of our families. It's also hard being 7 hrs away from family. He will be making great money. I will have my career which I love and only intend to work part time. We want to have kids. My goal... Work 2 days a week and be at home with the kids and taking care of them and the house the other days. My goal... When my husband comes home he will never have to pick up his finger and help out around the house. I want him to spend his time with his family, friends, relaxing and working out and being healthy and sleeping (he is extremely tightly wound and has high blood pressure, diagnosed when he was 25 Bc he's crazy), We will have enough money for a nanny if I want, a house keeper if I want ect. My husband just wants me to be happy. He said I can work full time, part time, or stay home full time, he doesn't care. 

The problem is... Physically I'm not needy. I don't need him around me 24/7, I'm not materialistic and I don't care about money. But I am emotional and sensitive, and I am way more needy in this area. And this area is what he is struggling to provide for me, especially recently. I don't know if it's because he is PA, because he has an inability to give himself that way, Bc he doesn't understand my needs, or because he has so much resentment and anger toward me he doesn't want to. When I ask him I don't get s straight answer. He can't deal with "conflict" straight on. When i ask him... The question doesn't get answered, he employs whatever tactics to get out of answering it, and we can discuss it forever and it will literally turn into a fight. I have trust issues Bc of a whole bunch of stuff he had done. When I try to address this he just says... No you don't. You trust me. And that's it. After I explain why I have trust issues he says... Come on I'm not that bad of a guy, you know you can trust me. And his goes on and on and I give my details and examples and be denies denies denies until it makes me feel crazy Bc no matter what I say, it doesn't get anywhere.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Also i know that I can divorce him and find someone who treats me better. I know that he can divorce me and find a younger hotter girl. But we're both Christian and we don't believe in divorce unless it's an extreme reason. We believe in our wedding vows. I believe in, In sickness and health not when someone else better comes along.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If he gave you one hour of uninterrupted time with him being totally present this week, would you rather him spend it with you doing something intimate -- a date, a walk, a romp in the bedroom, an intimate talk -- any or all of that... 

Or would you rather he got the garbage out and picked up after himself?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> If he gave you one hour of uninterrupted time with him being totally present this week, would you rather him spend it with you doing something intimate -- a date, a walk, a romp in the bedroom, an intimate talk -- any or all of that...
> 
> 
> 
> Or would you rather he got the garbage out and picked up after himself?




I'd rather spend intimate time together. 
If you think it's about the garbage then you are not getting it. It's much deeper than taking the garbage out.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I'd rather spend intimate time together.
> If you think it's about the garbage then you are not getting it. It's much deeper than taking the garbage out.


My point is that I'd be thinking it's about the garbage if I were him.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I have no problem if he doesn't pick up anything in the house at all. That's not the point. If he makes me feel loved and emotionally supports me, I don't care if he doesn't pick up after himself. 
But if he is not emotionally supporting me and making me feel loved and making me feel like his wife.... Then I have a problem when he doesn't pick up after himself. 
I do the best job sexually fulfilling him, and fulfilling his need to come home to a clean house and food in the table and clean clothes. I know that's what his needs are and I have no problems doing all those. But he is not fulfilling my emotional needs, and my need for connection, and my need to feel safe and loved. So it's not fair at all. That's why I get mad and say... If ur not going to be that "type" of husband, then I'm not going to be that "type" of wife. I can't do everything and be treated like ****


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> I have no problem if he doesn't pick up anything in the house at all. That's not the point. If he makes me feel loved and emotionally supports me, I don't care if he doesn't pick up after himself.
> But if he is not emotionally supporting me and making me feel loved and making me feel like his wife.... Then I have a problem when he doesn't pick up after himself.
> I do the best job sexually fulfilling him, and fulfilling his need to come home to a clean house and food in the table and clean clothes. I know that's what his needs are and I have no problems doing all those. But he is not fulfilling my emotional needs, and my need for connection, and my need to feel safe and loved. So it's not fair at all. That's why I get mad and say... If ur not going to be that "type" of husband, then I'm not going to be that "type" of wife. I can't do everything and be treated like ****


So if you were to say to him over dinner "Husband, I need one hour uninterrupted this week from you so I can feel loved and like your wife. So this Sunday from 4-5PM we are going for a walk in the park and I want to hear all about how much you love me for one hour."

He would say what?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He would say fine. Let's go for a walk. That's not a problem at all. 
But for me to feel loved it will take more than a scheduled walk.

I worked 13 hrs last Friday. I drive 1hr each way. When I got out of work I called him... And I caught him in a lie. He said he had to go and get back to studying. But he wasn't home, he was driving. Then He said he was going to Duncan donuts for coffee. When I came home... He was drinking coffee he made at home. There was no Duncan donuts. Sh*t like this is what makes me feel exhausted, unloved, unsafe, and like I can't trust him. He then started a fight with me, and even though he apologized, he slept in the other room. I woke up at 4am for another 13 HR day to find he wasn't in my bed. Sh*t like this makes me upset and feel so lonely Bc I didn't do anything wrong and he punishes me for questioning him.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> He would say fine. Let's go for a walk. That's not a problem at all.
> But for me to feel loved it will take more than a scheduled walk.


Wait... You just said you'd rather the walk and intimate conversation than doing the garbage.

Give me three things he could do this week to give you what you want and that he could actually acheive in 3 hours or less given his schedule.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

1. Don't lie about where you are or what your doing. 
2. When I tell you something or someone bothered me, don't defend them. 
3. Show me empathy and understand my side. 
4. Don't rebuttals everything I say. 
5. Don't name call when talking about ur pediatric patients (he always calls them retards).
6. When you flip through the tv and you see a women basketball player... Don't say ew that's so disgusting, Bc you know it bothers me. Same thing with a gay person on tv.
7. Don't be negative.

Apparently I'm asking too much...


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

marduk said:


> Wait... You just said you'd rather the walk and intimate conversation than doing the garbage.
> 
> 
> 
> Give me three things he could do this week to give you what you want and that he could actually acheive in 3 hours or less given his schedule.




When I emotionally need him on the day to day he is not only NOT there for me, but he is causing s fight or purposely trying to piss me off or upset me.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> 1. Don't lie about where you are or what your doing.
> 2. When I tell you something or someone bothered me, don't defend them.
> 3. Show me empathy and understand my side.
> 4. Don't rebuttals everything I say.
> ...


All of this is negative. 

Which I find interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

katiecrna said:


> When I emotionally need him on the day to day he is not only NOT there for me, but he is causing s fight or purposely trying to piss me off or upset me.


Wow, I'd be confused too. 

What do you want?

Not things for him NOT to do, but things for him TO do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I don't want him to be a ****. Is that too hard?


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

1. Be honest
2. Have my back
3. Show me empathy 
4. Understand my side
5. Don't be disrespectful and name call 
6. Speak positively


----------



## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I see what ur saying now. I love my husband, but I am constantly being hurt my him. This leads me to be very unhappy and I try to explain to him how his behavior is making me feel and how it hurts me. This always becomes a fight for some reason and it appears like I'm Nagging him. my hope is to try to get him to understand how he is making me feel, in the chance that he will change his behavior Bc he loves me and wants to see me happy.
> If he goes back to the way things use to be... His complete lack of regard for me and my feelings, then I don't know if i can be in this relationship Bc it's not healthy for me. Understand I love him, I don't love how to treats me. And I always think that if he just understood how he is hurting me maybe he will change and that's what keeps me wanting to stay in this marriage.


He has a lack of regard for you and your feelings because he is a shell of a man, your words. If a woman doesn't build a man up and he feels like he always falls short in her eyes and she constantly yells, nags etc then his heart will become hard to her. When you yell and scream at a man he feels it in his core. When you constantly emasculate and scold him he starts to despise and ultimately lose any feelings he ever had towards you. You then get into a unbearable cycle of his being a defeated man causing him to be unable to meet your needs which then leads to you nagging and fighting with him. You all have no kids which is a good thing. You both have proven that when times get tough you cannot be there for each other. If you had children then my advice would be much different but at the minimum you two should separate and figure out what you really want. Sometimes distance can either make you miss the person you or with or actually enjoy happiness for the first time. You two need to find out where you stand in that regard.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I have no problem if he doesn't pick up anything in the house at all. That's not the point. If he makes me feel loved and emotionally supports me, I don't care if he doesn't pick up after himself.
> But if he is not emotionally supporting me and making me feel loved and making me feel like his wife.... Then I have a problem when he doesn't pick up after himself.
> I do the best job sexually fulfilling him, and fulfilling his need to come home to a clean house and food in the table and clean clothes. I know that's what his needs are and I have no problems doing all those. But he is not fulfilling my emotional needs, and my need for connection, and my need to feel safe and loved. So it's not fair at all. That's why I get mad and say... If ur not going to be that "type" of husband, then I'm not going to be that "type" of wife. I can't do everything and be treated like ****


I think I can imagine your husband's mindset.

He works insane hrs and even when he is not working he is on call. so he never really gets a break.

he probably feels overwhelmed. 

then when he finally comes home and you lay the "take out the garbage" line on him, he's probably like, WTF.

even though the garbage is really a small thing, to him it may feel like the straw that broke the camel's back. it's ONE MORE THING he has to do.

From your perspective, you feel like you are asking so little of him. BUT YOU REALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIS LIFE IS LIKE RIGHT NOW.

You are so focused on making sure he follows through with these minor tasks that you are ignoring the fact that he is barely keeping his head above water.

And you believe yourself to be "really busy" too, but you are sitting at home by yourself while he is busy working all nighters. so you really have different definitions of "busy."


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> 1. Be honest
> 2. Have my back
> 3. Show me empathy
> 4. Understand my side
> ...


do you hold yourself to the same standards you set for him, or is this a one way street?


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> I think I can imagine your husband's mindset.
> 
> He works insane hrs and even when he is not working he is on call. so he never really gets a break.
> 
> ...


This!

His mind is definitely on OVERLOAD, and the OP's nagging and demands are unrealistic at THIS TIME. I think his demeanor will change once he gets settled, and his mind has time to de-stress.

A marriage really is a partnership, and sometimes it doesn't work out the exact way you want it to. Sometimes the timing is not exactly the way you would want it, either, but right now all he needs is a supportive wife, instead of somebody who is always critical and demanding. The OP really needs to understand this, or the marriage will not work. If I worked 80+ hours a week, regardless of the stress level of the job itself, the last thing I would want when I got home is have more demands put on me. I would absolutely have to have time to recharge.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> I think I can imagine your husband's mindset.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I wish I could go back in time and not nag him. If I could I would.

He is not on call everyday. He has time off. And Trust me I am not sitting at home by myself. I am really busy too. I typically come home after him. Yes I work way less than him, but I also do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping ect. I am not asking too much of him to take the garbage out, if he were single he would have to do this plus so much more. Plus I do not nag him to take the garbage out. We all have jobs that we do that are presumed to be our responsibility. If I haven't gotten to the laundry he would tell me, so I can so it. If the food in the house is running low, he would tell me so I can go shopping. It's the same thing with him and the garbage. 

I am beyond generous to my husband. Way more generous than he is to me. Yes he works a lot, but he does have free time. My husband has no problem making time to run for 8-10 miles a couple times a week. Taking out the garbage every couple days is not asking too much. 

One more thing to do? We all have so much we have to do sorry! If he were single he would have to do everything himself. I'm not asking for him to come home and work around the house, he doesn't have to lift a finger except the garbage which he doesn't always do. All I expect out of him is to be a nice human being and stop being negative and maybe he should appreciate everything I do for him and maybe he should be there for me when I need him emotionally. Just like I am there for him, and just like I am always the positive perspective he needs to hear


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I wish I could go back in time and not nag him. If I could I would.
> 
> He is not on call everyday. He has time off. And Trust me I am not sitting at home by myself. I am really busy too. I typically come home after him. Yes I work way less than him, but I also do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping ect. I am not asking too much of him to take the garbage out, if he were single he would have to do this plus so much more. Plus I do not nag him to take the garbage out. We all have jobs that we do that are presumed to be our responsibility. If I haven't gotten to the laundry he would tell me, so I can so it. If the food in the house is running low, he would tell me so I can go shopping. It's the same thing with him and the garbage.
> 
> ...


If you're convinced it is just his problem, then why are you here asking for advice?

In theory you are not asking too much. 

If you were dealing with a man who had a sane lifestyle, you would sound completely reasonable. 

But-- just for a moment-- try to imagine what it is like to be him, living the life he is actually living right NOW. 

Have you ever worked all nighters repeatedly? 

Have you ever gone months and months with very little sleep? 

Have you been in a work environment, on almost no sleep, feeling totally exhausted for weeks and weeks straight, where the slightest error on your part could have severe consequences? 

THAT is what your husband is dealing with right now.

Can you imagine why the last thing he would want to deal with is responding to another demand to take out the garbage just because you decided it was a good time to "de-clutter"? 

How high of a priority do you think de-cluttering is for him at this point in his life?

Can you imagine why he might just rather go for a run a couple of times a week (the horror!) rather than to come home and engage in a negotiation regarding taking out the trash?

Now, is it reasonable that you would be unhappy in this situation too? YES. The question, for both of you, is whether you are willing to make this sacrifice TOGETHER with a view toward the life you hope to lead when this current insanity ends.

The current demands on him mean the relationship is going to be less than optimal for you now.

If you're not able to "take one for the team" now, you really don't deserve the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!

Conversely, if your husband does not realize he is asking a lot of you right now, and does not make a genuine effort to adjust his lifestyle as soon as possible once residency ends, then he is not being reasonable.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> If you're convinced it is just his problem, then why are you here asking for advice?
> 
> In theory you are not asking too much.
> 
> ...




No I don't think it's just his problems. I appreciate your posts. I already know my problems in this relationship and I am working on those. 

Hearing what he does, I get it, it sounds crazy and he is working so much blah blah blah. But living with him while he does it... It's different and it's hard to explain. He throws the residency card too much IMO. Compared to his other fellow residents he is a spoiled brat Bc most of them are single having to do everything themselves or they have families and kids which I can't imagine how busy they must be. He is busy, I get it, but he doesn't have to do much. 

Maybe a bigger issue is, what he thinks my role is and his role is. Who knows. Taking out the garbage is a minor issue IMO but it reflects a bigger issue. In marriage can't we just help each other out and make our lives easier and be nice to each other? Life is tough, we all need support from our spouses and just Bc one person is MORE busy than the other doesn't mean the other doesn't get or deserve support. My husband thinks in terms of "I", he is a little selfish and I think any surgeon has to be to get where they are. But I think in terms of "we" and "us" and I think that's why I end up being hurt and disappointed if that makes sense.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> No I don't think it's just his problems. I appreciate your posts. I already know my problems in this relationship and I am working on those.


OK, so what are you doing? I'm hearing a lot about his problems but not much self assessment on your end. 

You say you know what your problems are-- do you really? 

Would you say your husband would agree with your self assessment? 

If you think he wouldn't agree, then is it possible you're not really honestly assessing the issues? 



katiecrna said:


> Hearing what he does, I get it, it sounds crazy and he is working so much blah blah blah. But living with him while he does it... It's different and it's hard to explain. He throws the residency card too much IMO. Compared to his other fellow residents he is a spoiled brat Bc most of them are single having to do everything themselves or they have families and kids which I can't imagine how busy they must be. He is busy, I get it, but he doesn't have to do much.


Which is it? Is he busy or not? 

I get it that your relationship with him right now is not a cakewalk for you. 

But you really seem to hold him to a pretty high standard. One that you don't really apply to yourself. 

His life COULD BE worse-- that's basically the takeaway from what you wrote above. Guess what-- your life could be worse too.



katiecrna said:


> Maybe a bigger issue is, what he thinks my role is and his role is. Who knows. Taking out the garbage is a minor issue IMO but it reflects a bigger issue. In marriage can't we just help each other out and make our lives easier and be nice to each other? Life is tough, we all need support from our spouses and just Bc one person is MORE busy than the other doesn't mean the other doesn't get or deserve support. My husband thinks in terms of "I", he is a little selfish and I think any surgeon has to be to get where they are. But I think in terms of "we" and "us" and I think that's why I end up being hurt and disappointed if that makes sense.


taking out the garbage is only as big of an issue as you choose to make it.

it seems like it is really a huge issue for you. one that you might even get divorced over. is it really that important to you? that's up to you to decide.

You can go around and around about whether your husband should do this or that. if he doesn't want to do it, then the ball is in your court at that point. 

do you start a nuclear war over it or just decide to let it go? do you choose to assume the worst possible motivation for his inaction? 

he doesn't take out the garbage so he must not really love me... is that REALLY what it's about, or are you just ascribing that to him because that is how YOU feel.

maybe it's just not really a big deal to him. is that actually less reasonable than your position?

when you FEEL a certain way about something, it is very hard to imagine that the other person could feel quite differently about the same thing, and that the other person's totally different feeling actually has nothing to do with you. 

it seems quite doubtful to me that your husband is drawing all of these conclusions you are ascribing to him.

I seriously doubt he feels that his not taking out the garbage is about not wanting to support you or devaluing your role in his life.

I'm sure it's simply just about the fact that he is overworked and very stressed and tired and wants to check out.


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

katiecrna said:


> 1. Don't lie about where you are or what your doing.
> *2. When I tell you something or someone bothered me, don't defend them. *
> 3. Show me empathy and understand my side.
> 4. Don't rebuttals everything I say.
> ...


OK, first bolded (#2), so it sounds like he is always supposed to agree with you, you don't want to hear otherwise?

#5 and #6. Honestly, given that divorce is a possibility and there are bigger problems, who cares about these? Maybe he is just venting having worked so many hours. I am not saying I agree with all his behavior and some of it may be immature, but some of this list reads as you wanting to have control over his behavior, and I could see that causing him to be more defiant. I know I would not be happy if my W was constantly trying to control my behavior as if I am some sort of project. Maybe t his isn't the case, just a general sense from reading this list and your other posts. 

To me #1 and #3 would be the critical points that should be worked on.


----------



## dan13732 (May 5, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> So I am asking the men out there... Is it possible for him to regain feelings again after feeling dead inside?


I think it is possible... but only if you have SOMETHING to connect on. IMO, my wife has let the physical intimacy side of our marriage totally whither (despite my efforts to save it). Without that "buffer", I slowly began to lose respect in her in most other ways. Now that the emotional intimacy is basically gone, too, I am doubtful my marriage can be saved.

In short: if you let a plant die for lack of water, you can't bring it back to life by starting to water it after the fact.

HOWEVER... this is not necessarily your situation. It is merely a warning that IF you let too much distance grown, then, yes, it will be irrecoverable.

Sounds to me like you are under EXTRAORDINARY stress. I would suggest: try to destress your life; consider marriage therapy; DON'T MAKE THE DECISION TO SPLIT while he is under the stress of the residency. (Shame to discard something that was "not working" due to a temporary stress, right?) If after you have some semblance of normalcy in your life, one of you still feels like it is over, then it probably is.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, it honestly sounds like your resentment is so high that your empathy for him is gone. I understand how that happens, but then you have to come back to some of the things you have said.

I see truth is what both Anon and Ellis have posted about you. If you want to improve your marriage, start by improving yourself.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> This is something you need to consider, OP.
> 
> You seem to be frustrated at who your husband intrinsically is, at his essence. Yet you want to find how to make it work. Why? Is it pride in not being divorced?
> 
> ...


Katie, I posted the above to you on April 14th. Unless I missed it, you did not address anything I posted.

The more you post, the more self centered you appear to be. I am not sure if that is insecurity, or something more. The single most significant fault I see in your husband is something far different than you are seeing.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Katie, I posted the above to you on April 14th. Unless I missed it, you did not address anything I posted.
> 
> The more you post, the more self centered you appear to be. I am not sure if that is insecurity, or something more. The single most significant fault I see in your husband is something far different than you are seeing.


I'm going to agree with this.

the more posts I read, the more I get the following impression:

a woman who is used to being the center of attention of this particular guy.

now this guy's life is being totally dominated by other concerns, so she feels undervalued/underappreciated.

she's trying to reassert her dominant position in his life, but is failing.

so she is lashing out, being nitpicking, critical, throwing emotional temper tantrums.

rather than having the desired effect-- pulling the guy back in-- it is pushing him further away. rather than reacting to his increased distance by backing off, she is doubling down on the nitpicking, critical tantrums. Now you've got a very negative cycle going with its own momentum.

the guy is probably thinking, wow, I'm really struggling to deal with life right now and she is just making my life harder. not relieving my stress, just adding to it.

I predict that OP is going to look back on this period of time down the road and realize she screwed up big time.

Dude is going to split, find a LOT of women who are totally psyched to meet a SURGEON-- regardless of whether he likes taking out the garbage.

OP is going to find out that there are very few men of quality who will put up with the stuff that her current husband puts up with.

She has in effect been dealing with a guy who vastly undervalues himself. 

He is starting to realize this, and that is why she is panicking.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> She has in effect been dealing with a guy who vastly undervalues himself.


This is exactly where I was going with my post.


----------



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@Anon1111 I appreciate your post. I personally just disagree. And my husband would too. I have never been the center of attention and I'm not that type of girl. I've been with my husband through pre-med, medical school, and surgery residency and trust me I was never center of attention and trust me I am not complaining. 

Trust me I am not panicking. If my husband doesn't love me anymore then i wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. Our situation is difficult Bc our our his residency and schooling and I believe that's why our relationship is struggling. 
@farsidejunky sorry for not responding to your post. Yea I am not loving who my husband is right now. This residency has changed him a lot, and the stress and negativity is really getting to him and I think he is depressed. He was never like this before. I believe that once he is done with residency, we are making money and no longer have money issues, and when we will be around family and friends and actually have free time he will relax and actually enjoy life. Right now he is legitimately miserable Bc of residency. It's not my pride of getting divorce or anything like that. I believe that this too shall pass and we will be ok and be very happy. 
Am I controlling? I don't think so at all. I think that I am dominate and I come off a certain way but my husband is quite but literally does whatever he wants to do. I always ask him before buying it doing anything and he just does and buys whatever he wants. Maybe I'm controlling Bc I don't like when he makes fun or people or using hurtful language Bc it bothers me but besides that I don't think I am controlling. His parents by the way are super controlling and dominant and still run his life. 

Am I insecure? Yes I would say yes. Everyone comes into a relationship with issues. I have my own issues that I've brought into the marriage and that is... I don't feel loved. It's an issue I have had as a little girl and it's carried on to my adult life. And yes I know this is not my husbands fault and it is not his job to rectify this but I am just being honest. 

I agree I am emotionally needy and this is something I need to work on.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Your insecurity is exactly why you are NOT dominant. You are mistaking dominant with domineering.

Emotional dominance is not needy. It is not insecure. It does not feel unloved.

Domineering IS controlling.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------

