# Question about PE



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I have posted something about like this before but I think it has finally set in that I have PE and it only seems to be getting worse since my last mentioned it. I have talked with my urologist and he has gave me techniques and suggestions along with looking up solutions on the internet. My wife and are very open when it comes to sex and I have asked her how she feels about it. She has told me that it didn't matter and it wasn't a concern to her. We do other things to help her but I would think that if this is just the way it is down the road she might change her mind. 
So has anyone else had this issue? Did it go away if you did or improve? If it did what did you do about it?
I have been changing my diet and losing some weight I could stand to lose another 10 pounds but it hasn't changed anything yet in that dept. Any help would be appreciated.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

not sure if it is for everyone, but supplemental testosterone therapy might be worth a try. I have been taking it for a few months...(not for PE, but other reasons), and it has been really amazing. There are a ton of bioidentical hormone replacement doctors, and it really does wonders.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Thanks Married In Michigan yeah I am on T shots and the Dr. told me that it wouldn't help with PE. They do make me feel better and help with my desire. I just can't think that my wife isn't getting disappointed from the length of intercourse...Esp over time...


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

sex...and good/great sex, does not need to be tied to intercourse. At least for me, it is just one of many enjoyable part of sex, and so many other fun things to do and try.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Hey OP - not an expert in this spot but here's another guys thought - so much of "male performance" is in our heads, be it PE or ED. Of course there are real physical causes too so not to downplay those. I've never had an explicit problem here and generally think my stamina is good (sometimes great), but have had weird ruts develop before and I think it's because I was thinking too much. Usually happens that one time by surprise you get that sudden dreaded urge and once you're there it's very hard to recover. Then the next time I go in focused and thinking the entire time that I hope it doesn't happen again, how to avoid, then...oops...ugh. Spending all my thoughts on avoiding just seems makes it worse and isn't enjoyable either. 

My best "performances" are almost always when I'm completely in the moment and paying attention to her and the experience and not thinking one bit about me and what I'm doing or how long i'll last. I'm usually relaxed and less focused on downstairs and often being physical with upper body (wife loves that), more verbal and just more into it all. When I do have a less than stellar showing my wife knows that we'll just do round 2 (where I could last forever practically speaking) and that it's imperative that I just go for it and not stress or think. It's tough to consciously channel thoughts though so you can't worry about it and just have to have the mindset to chalk it up if it happens. Even Michael Jordan missed a couple shots 

So it's possible that you've got the 'yips' here. Same issue for golfers and baseball players. Just have an honest conversation with the wife and let her know that you're just going to be carefree and need her support and participation. If it happens go round 2. Get more practice in. Soon enough you'll have a 'slump breaker' and won't be hyper focused for the next time, then the next time after that etc.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I also have this issue, and I also get T therapy (I went with pellets rather than shots though).

Additionally, I have tried Dapoxetine, and it also did not help, but it did make my uncomfortable and oddly tingly in my hands and feet for an hour or two.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Volunteer86 said:


> She has told me that it didn't matter and it wasn't a concern to her.


Perhaps it might be YOU that wants things to last longer to prolong the enjoyment of intimacy. Ask her if SHE can help you with that. 

If you are insisting you want her to enjoy things more and she seems ambivalent, you will need to let go of that. I don't think women enjoy a man that insists that she needs to enjoy herself in the way he wants it to happen. Simply allow her to enjoy intimacy on her own terms. If she asks you to accommodate her in a certain way, THEN make that a priority. 

Until then you may be inducing performance anxiety which likely makes PE worse. 

I'm not speaking from experience with PE, but I have had some anxiety issues that I have overcome. Hope that helps...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

From what I've read, I potentially suffer from PE. However, from my experiences, it is heavily mental. If you sit there and freak out about coming too soon, you probably will. If you approach the situation with confidence, it's far less likely. There are also techniques to decrease sensitivity/stimulation on the parts of you that can trigger PE, but I would assume that varies from man to man.

When I feel myself getting to the "point of no return" a bit too early, sometimes I can distract myself with thoughts of completely irrelevant things, like the lyrics of a song, working on a car, hell, sometimes I'll think about work, and it can bring the "OMG HERE IT COMES" thoughts down to a more manageable level, and I can last a bit longer.

The other thing is foreplay. Especially if it's been a while, or I'm feeling super particularly physically sensitive, or even just too damn turned on, some good ol' extended, prolonged foreplay somehow allows my body to adjust better and I end up lasting longer. Perform oral on her and insist you won't stop until she comes, use a vibrator on her, give her breasts extended amounts of attention, kiss her, slowly, from head to toe, etc.. These things allow my body to "settle in" to the situation and I have less of an internal freak out that the instant she touches me, I'm going to erupt.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

On my younger days I also would consciously think about a negative topic if things started to speed up too fast.

It was always either one horrible professor in college, or doing taxes. 

Sometimes would pull out, change positions. It is possible to moderate.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Thanks everyone...From what I read mental does have something to do with it. I hope....I guess I'm only hoping that my wife won't get tired of 1 minute or less and it start to impact other aspects..


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Volunteer86 said:


> I guess I'm only hoping that my wife won't get tired of 1 minute or less and it start to impact other aspects..


Your wife is telling you that it doesn't matter. Believe her. If she is being provided orgasms and pleasure in your sex, then be happy. Men are "hung up" on size, performance, body, etc. While it's true that some women are, too, there are many women who simply want intimacy and companionship. My DW tells me that she prefers the "foreplay" to the actual intercourse, that she would be happy if we only cuddled, kissed, massaged, etc.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I really think that while it could be an issue over time. Once in a while probably isn't all that bad. If you think about it, most of us try to give the woman multiple O's. If you are doing that consistently, then you should be fine. If you blow too soon a few times, you can always take care of her afterwards anyways. Honestly for me sometimes, I get so involved in trying not to cum too soon that I get past the point of no return and find I can't. At least not during that round. I lose sensation and need to recover


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

As many said, believe your wife when she tells you she is happy, BUT your fear of her becoming frustrated with short sessions is definitely valid. Find ways to make sure she gets her O's, that will increase your confidence and lower your anxiety. As I said, I sometimes feel overly sensitive and worried that I might not last, but making sure foreplay leads her to a good O not only allows my body to adjust to the situation, but also not feel insecure if I do happen to finish early. From what I've read, most women actually enjoy foreplay more than actual PIV sex (my own wife insists she's not in this category), so make sure to take your time with her, get creative, and most important, build your confidence. You both can only benefit. Women love a confident man, be one.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

If your wife says it's okay, then I guess you gotta assume that it's okay.

Back in the '80's when my husband (then boyfriend) were first together, I too thought that PE would go away, and that it wouldn't last for too long.

After a year or so, my husband would say, "maybe it'll get better as I get older".


Anywayzz, fast forward to now. It NEVER got better. He occasionally reached 2 or 3 minutes. Sex for me was always a lot of work, usually lying on top of him carefully and slowly grinding; constantly stopping and waiting; losing a lot of momentum.

Sometimes it would click; and I'd have a vaginal orgasm with him still erect inside me. But 95% of the time he would be done way in advance of me.

Lots and lots and lots of physical frustration. A sore, tense miserable sensation. Fingers and tongues are not the same as an erect penis. At least not for me. Vaginal orgasms are far superior.


So, if your wife truly prefers oral, or fingering. You're fine.


If she's waiting patiently for you to adjust or learn or mature or whatever; she's going to be mighty frustrated in a few years if that doesn't happen.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Notmyrealname I think you nailed it....A few of the things you said I have heard before, she has mentioned that the constant starting and stopping kind of killed her mood some and she said she does need an erect human penis not a toy or finger even though she doesn't mind those. Did you guys try anything else that worked some or was it just the luck of the draw that you got lucky that time? I feel like I'm holding her back to fully enjoy herself sexually because I see and read so many posts of men who has a wife that doesn't want or like sex and I have hit the jackpot and cant enjoy the winnings. I can't imagine how frustrating it is for her...



notmyrealname4 said:


> If your wife says it's okay, then I guess you gotta assume that it's okay.
> 
> Back in the '80's when my husband (then boyfriend) were first together, I too thought that PE would go away, and that it wouldn't last for too long.
> 
> ...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> We do other things to help her



Who is ‘we’?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude your so wrapped up in your head over this that you are causing your own issues.
PE is a thing of coarse but it's your insecurity about it that is leading to real world results.
Speaking from experience I had my own short run of the mental side causing real world effect so I've been there as well.
It's not easy to just "let it go" but that is really what you need to do.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy: The more you worry about something happening and the more you focus on it....the more likely that will be the outcome. 

The PIV stopwatch doesn't have to determine sexual satisfaction. 

I know it is easy to say and tough to do, but try your best to get it out of your head. Your thinking about it too much.

Best Luck!!!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Volunteer86 said:


> ...A few of the things you said I have heard before, she has mentioned that the constant starting and stopping kind of killed her mood some ...



Yes, it definitely kills the mood. And I began [after a couple of years] to begin to anticipate him finishing in a couple of minutes.

So then I would get anxious too. And that gets in the way of relaxing and getting in the flow towards having an orgasm.





> ..and she said she does need an erect human penis not a toy or finger even though she doesn't mind those.



Yes, there is such a difference between a penis being inserted in your vagina vs. a finger. Fingers are knuckly, have coarse hairs on them, dry skin and sharp fingernails [even if the nails are short].

Tongues aren't hard enough.

Toys [dildos] are an okay substitute. I've only had one once. It was the smallest size they made; 4-1/2", so it wasn't because I wanted something bizarre and huge. My husband found mine and threw it out; he was furious. But dildos aren't a substitute for a warm, living human being. It did teach me that I don't need a big penis {I already knew that}; and I don't need an erection that lasts half an hour. It would only take about 5 minutes and wow. Something about *knowing* that I had that 5 minutes for sure really made the orgasms easy and intense.

Penises are amazing. The combination of intense hardness and smoothness and warmth---and it's the person you're crazy about inside your body. Not possible to get all those things any other way.




> Did you guys try anything else that worked some or was it just the luck of the draw that you got lucky that time?




Me lying on top,him lying real still while I touched myself with him and ground around on top of him. And occasionally I would be horny enough to get there in 2 to 3 minutes {with lots of pauses in between} Nothing else worked for us as far as intercourse.




> I feel like I'm holding her back to fully enjoy herself sexually because I see and read so many posts of men who has a wife that doesn't want or like sex and I have hit the jackpot and cant enjoy the winnings. I can't imagine how frustrating it is for her...



Yes, you're probably holding her back from enjoying herself fully.

If she really loves you and is physically attracted to you [that's how I always felt about my husband, especially when we were first together]; then she may accept that intercourse isn't very fulfilling.

I think it does make your mind wonder how sex might be with a guy who didn't ejaculate in 15 secs. to 2 or 3 minutes.

Like I said, love has the power to keep people together. But I can't say that it's not extremely frustrating. I used to {silently as possible} cry after sex so many times, 'cause I didn't feel "finished" so much of the time. A weird frustrating, achy feeling. Being touched by someone's fingers, or receiving oral sex doesn't produce that "completed" feeling. Sorry if I can't explain it better.


Do you think that you actually like your wife? Could there be some way that you are resentful or angry with her that you may not even be fully aware of? There's a theory that this can cause PE to be used a passive-aggressive weapon.

Have you used a lot of pornography? Like masturbating as fast as possible to avoid someone walking in on you?

One thing is that this does affect a lot of men. I don't know if most guys have it their whole marriage like my husband. He did tell me that he never had it with his previous relationship before me.

Best of luck to you guys.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

@notmyrealname4 Curious - have you and your husband ever tried getting him off early in the session, allowing for some serious foreplay time (wonderful!), and then going at it again? I think most guys find they can go exponentially longer the second time around. Refractory periods play into that of course, and not generally as hard. Never tried but imagine ED meds could drastically improve both of those factors.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude your so wrapped up in your head over this that you are causing your own issues.
> PE is a thing of coarse but it's your insecurity about it that is leading to real world results.
> Speaking from experience I had my own short run of the mental side causing real world effect so I've been there as well.
> It's not easy to just "let it go" but that is really what you need to do.
> ...


THIS. As I said earlier in the thread, I think so much of PE and even sometimes ED things are in a guys head. The few times I've caught the 'yips' it's been entirely this and me being self-conscious. You have one bad performance, next time up you're thinking about not recreating the last time, and before you know it...but it's so hard to avoid and redirect thoughts, etc.

My best experiences are when I'm completely absorbed in the atmosphere and not thinking one bit about what's going on downstairs. Also counter-intuitively I'm not thinking or worrying about pleasing her as a goal either. Then I seem to be able to last forever or at least as long as we both want. And she definitely enjoys it far more. Go figure.

My advice - share with the mrs. what's going on and tell her you need to 'train'. Go at it daily (or more than once daily if you're both up to it) and set expectations that it's OK to last 1min or less. Then just go into each session and don't focus one bit on that, just enjoy and let happen what happens. I'll bet you would be surprised that once you clear your mind things magically seem to get better.

Best of luck!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

BigDigg said:


> @notmyrealname4 Curious - have you and your husband ever tried getting him off early in the session, allowing for some serious foreplay time (wonderful!), and then going at it again? I think most guys find they can go exponentially longer the second time around. Refractory periods play into that of course, and not generally as hard. Never tried but imagine ED meds could drastically improve both of those factors.




Yes, we would do that, ie. sex in the morning, then try again at night.

Little to no difference.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yes, we would do that, ie. sex in the morning, then try again at night.
> 
> Little to no difference.


Sorry wasn't clear - talking getting him off first in the same session. So maybe starting with a BJ or something or even mutual masturbation, whatever, and then after he's gotten off he can focus on you a bit while he rebuilds, and THEN going at it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

BigDigg said:


> Sorry wasn't clear - talking getting him off first in the same session. So maybe starting with a BJ or something or even mutual masturbation, whatever, and then after he's gotten off he can focus on you a bit while he rebuilds, and THEN going at it.



Oh, I see. No, he wouldn't be able to build back up that fast.


What is the cause? In my case I came to realize it must be psychological.

All the usual reasons for PE are:

*Very young man with no sexual experience*: He was 25 when I met him. He'd had one major relationship before during which he, apparently, could go forever.

*Nervous because it's the first [few] times*: Yes and "nervous" after the first 1000 times.

*The woman is just too beautiful and sexy*: lol!! Nope.


*Used a lot of porn and masturbation*: Yes, definitely.


But I think as the years [decades] go by; there's another reason if PE doesn't resolve. If you're having sex with someone that long, then you're not nervous with anticipation, you're not inexperienced, you're not excited with a new partner.

So what could the reason be? I tend to think it's a passive aggressive form of hatred or resentment. A way of "punishing" a woman. It might even be at a subconscious level. Just the mind's way of, I don't know, keeping some sort of power and control over another person; and making sure they're not sexually happy---while you get yours as quickly as possible.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

notmyrealname4 said:


> So what could the reason be? I tend to think it's a passive aggressive form of hatred or resentment. A way of "punishing" a woman. It might even be at a subconscious level. Just the mind's way of, I don't know, keeping some sort of power and control over another person; and making sure they're not sexually happy---while you get yours as quickly as possible.


WOW....I obviously don't know you or your relationship or history but I can't imagine that being the case. Not judging you at all and I really feel all the resentment and anger that this issue has caused you. My condolences really and think this is something you should talk to someone about. As a guy I can tell you that it's far more enjoyable to have a great session (not necessarily a long drawn out one, but not PE either). Can't imagine decades of forgoing great sexual experiences solely to "punish" a SO. There's just no way.

One thing to share to maybe counter your thoughts - about 2 months ago my wife and I were going at it during the day while kids were in school. I love her dearly but she had been really passive aggressive all day for some reason and during the 'session' she was entirely in her head about her own unfounded insecurities toward me. Nevertheless she initiated and I never turn her down when she does that. Once we started she wouldn't stop talking about her insecurities (that I could cheat on her and leave her) and it was clear she only initiated because she wanted and needed comfort. And of course I love her and was happy to provide that love and reassurance but nothing I said or did helped. It honestly was making me highly annoyed the entire time, and yet because she needed the comfort I couldn't just stop either. In my head I wasn't into it at all and just going through the motions. Funny thing - I couldn't cum at all no matter how hard fast or whatever. Really had to try to end the session. Was probably the simultaneous worst/best sex we've ever had in a 20+ year relationship.

That was a very weird head scratching one-off event and otherwise things are so good. Never been like that before or since. But my point being that's the closest i've been to being angry or resentful during the act and because my mind was elsewhere there's no way I could have had a PE like even *even if I tried*.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

BigDigg said:


> WOW....I obviously don't know you or your relationship or history but I can't imagine that being the case. Not judging you at all and I really feel all the resentment and anger that this issue has caused you. My condolences really and think this is something you should talk to someone about. As a guy I can tell you that it's far more enjoyable to have a great session (not necessarily a long drawn out one, but not PE either). Can't imagine decades of forgoing great sexual experiences solely to "punish" a SO. There's just no way.
> 
> One thing to share to maybe counter your thoughts - about 2 months ago my wife and I were going at it during the day while kids were in school. I love her dearly but she had been really passive aggressive all day for some reason and during the 'session' she was entirely in her head about her own unfounded insecurities toward me. Nevertheless she initiated and I never turn her down when she does that. Once we started she wouldn't stop talking about her insecurities (that I could cheat on her and leave her) and it was clear she only initiated because she wanted and needed comfort. And of course I love her and was happy to provide that love and reassurance but nothing I said or did helped. It honestly was making me highly annoyed the entire time, and yet because she needed the comfort I couldn't just stop either. In my head I wasn't into it at all and just going through the motions. Funny thing - I couldn't cum at all no matter how hard fast or whatever. Really had to try to end the session. Was probably the simultaneous worst/best sex we've ever had in a 20+ year relationship.
> 
> That was a very weird head scratching one-off event and otherwise things are so good. Never been like that before or since. But my point being that's the closest i've been to being angry or resentful during the act and because my mind was elsewhere there's no way I could have had a PE like even *even if I tried*.




Yes, that is different. Almost like your wife just needed you to hold her, while she told you all about her sexual insecurities. Perhaps she couldn't verbalize that. And of course you weren't especially excited within such a strange mood.

I think [just my opinion], that true passive-aggression runs very deep. It is not a conscious, knowing type of activity.

When PE has lasted for 33 years, it's not physical anymore? How could it be?

And I do know that he spent years between me and his previous girlfriend masturbating to pornography like crazy. So, there's the getting off as fast as possible so your roommate doesn't walk in on you; or even masturbating in the bathroom at work. 

But, still, you'd think that after a couple of years in a relationship with a steady supply of sex with a girl who adored you; that'd work itself out and your stamina would build up???

Anyways, I'm afraid I'm taking over the thread. @Volunteer86 sorry for the tj. Hope this is insightful for you in some way, lol.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You say you and your wife are open about sex and that you help her out in other ways. I'm assuming you mean that you help her reach orgasm in other ways than PIV. 
If she doesn't reach O through intercourse then she probably does mean that she is OK with it being quick, and can feel satisfied enough through other means.

But as a wife I can confirm that, I personally, do get fed up if it's only super quick sex with little to no foreplay and no O for me, for weeks at a time. 

I do like and need quick sex, but it needs to be balanced out with a full session sometimes.
And if it's a really good session I can get a lot of enjoyment without any intercourse at all. But I don't orgasm from PIV (or never have yet). 

I do crave having him inside me and sometimes wish it would last longer though, especially when it's hitting the right spot inside. But then again I'm sure another minute or two wouldn't make much difference for me. 

You say you don't want to hold her back. 
If you are triggered by her sounds or the look on her face, she might start holding herself back automatically, to stop you going over the edge early and you feeling bad about that. But if she can let go and O first, she will enjoy you even more when you do enter her.

And like @notmyrealname4, I have also been left crying silently in bed because I got so little in return and no release when desperate for it.

So as long as your wife feels loved and desired rather than used for a quick release. And she is getting pleasure and release as well, then don't worry too much about the PE 

Dont avoid sex because you start to worry about being too quick as she might then worry that you don't desire her anymore.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

First off @Notevenmyrealname4 don't apologize for anything! Your comments are hitting home and thanks for being honest and open about everything. I feel like me and your husband are in the same boat. There was an extended period of time before my ex girlfriend and when I got married to my wife that I had to masturbate and I think I did somehow get used to getting off fast. But I love my wife and I know she loves me so I don't really know why I can't train my orgasms to last longer. I have tried all the techniques etc. Maybe like him that is something I just can't get over or back in line. 
But it's nice to have such an open discussion especially hearing from the female side.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Evening you bring up some great points, yes I do let her reach orgasm by an means, vibes, toys, fingers, oral. Most of the time she has a vibe that gets her to orgasm. But she also mentions that she craves a longer PIV pretty bad or would like to have it. When I say hold her back, I mean more of hold her back having a full sexual experience. I sometimes feel as if I am almost disabled per say or is how I feel. I don't resent her in anyway and open to anything at all to help her. She sometimes first uses her vibe and has an orgasm and THEN PIV. She does say that it feels better??? I'm thinking because like you mentioned she has already got off and that stress for her is done. I need to ask her more about that, but from my take and your statement that makes sense. @EveningThoughts does your husband have this issue or can he go long and short?



EveningThoughts said:


> You say you and your wife are open about sex and that you help her out in other ways. I'm assuming you mean that you help her reach orgasm in other ways than PIV.
> If she doesn't reach O through intercourse then she probably does mean that she is OK with it being quick, and can feel satisfied enough through other means.
> 
> But as a wife I can confirm that, I personally, do get fed up if it's only super quick sex with little to no foreplay and no O for me, for weeks at a time.
> ...


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You asked if my husband has this problem or can he go long or short?

We have no official diagnosis but I feel he meets the diagnostic criteria. He is fine until PIV and then it's pretty quick, especially if I make any sounds of enjoyment. 

He can last a little longer by stopping and changing rhythm, but that doesn't do anything for either of us, we both like to get back to a harder faster feel. Maybe if we both enjoyed a slower style then we might have longer PIV and not so much PE.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I agree stopping and changing rhythm doesn't do much for us either. Of course my wife wants the harder style also which....is unobtainable under the situation. It's frustrating to me I can't imagine for women...




EveningThoughts said:


> You asked if my husband has this problem or can he go long or short?
> 
> We have no official diagnosis but I feel he meets the diagnostic criteria. He is fine until PIV and then it's pretty quick, especially if I make any sounds of enjoyment.
> 
> He can last a little longer by stopping and changing rhythm, but that doesn't do anything for either of us, we both like to get back to a harder faster feel. Maybe if we both enjoyed a slower style then we might have longer PIV and not so much PE.


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