# New here, looking for help with frustrating situation



## tdex

Hello all, this seems like a great place to get some good advice on what has become a very difficult situation. 

I became attracted to a woman that I work with earlier this year. I eventually professed my feelings to her, knowing that it would be a risk. For one, I knew that it could impact our job and more importantly, both of us were involved in other relationships. 

I did end up going to my supervisor about it because it was an issue at work (I was her direct supervisor). The girl in this story was mad that I did that, but I really felt it was the right thing to do. She did not lose her job, the company just moved her to another location. 

My relationship was a long-term one and because I am really bad at hiding things, it eventually came out. I was honest with my significant other in that I had been talking to this girl and spending time with her away from work. I wasn't certain that I wanted that relationship to end, but she ended it because of this and other issues we have had in the past. I certainly understood her position. 

Now free to focus all of my time on the other girl, I began to do that. However, her other relationship is with a man who is serving time in prison. I met this girl over a year ago and have always known about this guy, but he is due to be released in just about two weeks after three years in there. 

I am obviously very sad about this. She has stated many times that she wants to give him the shot that she feels he "deserves" and if it doesn't work out, then she and I can have something. They do have two children together and she wants him to have a relationship with his kids, which I get as well. She says she wants to give me all of herself and doesn't want to enter a relationship with me where there is any doubt. 

That is all well and good, but during the course of the last six months, we have behaved as though we are in a relationship. We start every day by talking to each other and we end every night by talking to each other. The bond that she and I have created means so much to me. 

Recently, she stated that the parole plan that he has come up with is not going to be accepted by the court and that he will have to be paroled to the state that he is held in. She said that if that happens, she would be leaving state. She asked if I would "hate her" if she did that. I said that I wouldn't, but I would miss her greatly. She said she knows she would be back and feels like she would always want to "come and find me". 

I feel like if she is so certain of that, why can't we just be together now? Am I being selfish? I don't know, to me, it is just so frustrating because I feel like this is the girl for me and I'm sorry, but to me, he doesn't deserve to have her. He can have a relationship with his kids. I have felt like the window of opportunity for this to happen would have been while he was in there, not when he gets out. 

I have told her that I will hold out hope that what we have is meant to be and hopefully she will come back to me. But that is just a hope, I can't say I really believe it will happen. 

We have both tried to peel ourselves away from each other because this is so close to becoming a reality. But that doesn't even last one day before one of us (almost always her) reaches out. 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


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## bobert

She's in a relationship with another man and cheating with you, what does that say about her? And yes, even if you haven't been physical it is still an emotional affair. 

You're not too great either but at least you told your ex-GF. Has this dream woman told her incarcerated BF/baby daddy that she's also seeing you?


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## tdex

bobert said:


> She's in a relationship with another man and cheating with you, what does that say about her? And yes, even if you haven't been physical it is still an emotional affair.
> 
> You're not too great either but at least you told your ex-GF. Has this dream woman told her incarcerated BF/baby daddy that she's also seeing you?


She says she has told him a little, but I highly doubt she's told him everything. I don't know what kind of relationship you can have with someone who you have been apart from for three years, but that's just me. That's what makes this all so hard to understand. She acts like I shouldn't have expected her to just drop this guy for me but I apologize if this is rude but yes, that's exactly what I expected.


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## bobert

tdex said:


> I don't know what kind of relationship you can have with someone who you have been apart from for three years


Well, affairs aren't based in reality either so...


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## Emerging Buddhist

This is not the relationship you are looking for... if you put yourself in the middle you will find yourself flanked.


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## aine

@tdex, you have to sort yourself out first before getting involved with anyone. You both cheated, I am not going to mince words. You were in a long term committed relationship as was she. You can paint it anyway you want to. You say you were bad at hiding things and it eventually came out so yes you tried to lie and cheat. You also say that there were other problems in your relationship so she decided to end it. You totally minimised your role in this and were prepared to keep her and the OW on the side? This says a lot about your character and hers.
I would suggest instead of rushing into this relationship which has all the markings of a failure (can't you see, you are her second choice?) it would be better if you stayed single for a while, worked on becoming the kind of man any woman wants to put first in her life and a man who has integrity. Do that first, then worry about finding the right one.


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## aine

tdex said:


> She says she has told him a little, but I highly doubt she's told him everything. I don't know what kind of relationship you can have with someone who you have been apart from for three years, but that's just me. That's what makes this all so hard to understand. She acts like I shouldn't have expected her to just drop this guy for me but I apologize if this is rude but yes, that's exactly what I expected.


Sure, this is straight from the cheaters handbook, your self entitlement jumps off your posting. Go get a life and leave the poor woman alone. Can't you see she is in a vulnerable position and you are taking advantage of her? Or aren't you man enough to find a woman who doesn't belong to someone else?


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## Openminded

Let her go.


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## SunCMars

Emerging Buddhist said:


> This is not the relationship you are looking for... if you put yourself in the middle you will find yourself flanked.


I love the word and its accurate connotation.

I would have used a different word than flanked.
Come to think of it, that word would not be accurate either.

I guess I will settle for flummoxed, and abandoned.

..............................................

@tdex , think differently.

This women sounds lonely, is not a bad person, but is certainly conflicted.

You are obviously her second fiddle and being gently played.
Played, nevertheless.

...........................................

Another thing, she is 'unlucky'.

She is under a bad cloud and you want to join her there.
This must be a most careful consideration.

I liken it to marrying a widow.
A widow is proven to be 'predisposed' to lose her man by death.

Do you want to be her next unlucky loss?
Do you want to take a chance?

Sounds superstitious. It is.

I agree, this analogy is extreme and odd, even by TAM's standards!

...............................................

When this dude gets out of prison he is going to be a changed man, likely broken and violent. He is going to want to see his SO and his children.

And, he is going to want to see the guy who stole his gal!

That is you.....in his cross-hairs.

It just isn't worth it.

You are inviting drama and maybe violence into your life where none is 'needed'.

.......................................

If you insist on doing this, let her sort it out. Let her do the work.
I think she is scared and doubtful and is hanging on to you...just in case.

Yes, she likes you.
Not enough, though.

Get a life. Find a lady who is a catch, not a wreck or a FB, like your last one.



_Gwendolyn- _we are more than superstitious.


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## Blondilocks

Here's the thing: * you* got hung up on a subordinate at work and against her wishes got her transferred to a different job. She could have been fired for all you knew. You *expected *her to just cut it off with the father of her children because you were now interested in her. She felt a commitment to stick by her man and you resent her honoring that commitment. I would say the only reason she is humoring you is because she doesn't want to get fired if she pisses you off.

Back off and if it's meant to be, it will be. Don't hold your breath, though. She knows how you operate.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

All good advice above.

But brother, you've got to put a stop to feeling like you've got to share every feeling and realize regurgitating things you believe you shouldn't hold back, because you should stop over sharing. 

It ain't all about you. Read that again.


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## Divinely Favored

You do realize if she has been with this guy and he is a long term criminal he most likely has hepatitus and she does to or will when she starts soing him again, if not something worse. You will too. 

I have been a PO for over 20 yrs. I had one offender that had the worse form of hepatitus and he was hooking up with these types of girls and we could not say anything due to HIPPA. His ex is now on parole and she has severe liver damage due to the hepatitus she caught from having sex with him.


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