# Just looking for moral support



## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

Hi I joined for some mental moral support,,,it helps to see other people out there that feel same way... something has been off with the marriage for a couple years and really is turning ugly this past year... basically roommates that don’t get along. I have tried talking asking what he needs, marriage counseling all met with defensive nasty attitude and the past couple of months name calling... I’m very sensitive and starting to really feel depressed and hopeless about it all.. I’m also turning bitter as well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Hi minty, tell us more , kids , length of marriage. Age? Mid life? New job? Move? Job loss ect... Ect...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And welcome


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

Thank you... i’m 40 F he’s 45.. no children. Married 18 years. There is job stress for him i think but he denies. He has always had job stress (i think ) but nothing new that I know of. We got into a huge argument over his locked phone ( been locked for about 7 years) . I have a gut instinct he’s keeping many secrets from me and I feel disconnected now. But just can fight about anything and everything this past couple months. I was a trainer/ bikini competitor and got injured, however the drift started way before that i believe. Thanks for the welcome!


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

Welcome aboard, Minty. Do you feel you know what possibly started this in your marriage?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Minty* said:


> Thank you... i’m 40 F he’s 45.. no children. Married 18 years. There is job stress for him i think but he denies. He has always had job stress (i think ) but nothing new that I know of. We got into a huge argument over his locked phone ( been locked for about 7 years) . I have a gut instinct he’s keeping many secrets from me and I feel disconnected now. But just can fight about anything and everything this past couple months. I was a trainer/ bikini competitor and got injured, however the drift started way before that i believe. Thanks for the welcome!


Secrecy, for 7yrs is not a good sign. It's no wonder you are disconnected. In either male or female gut instinct is a good lead into a confronting him, how willing are you to go with this. Maybe we all can help you once we know the distance you are willing to go. Hang in there.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Minty* said:


> ... basically roommates that don’t get along. I have tried talking asking what he needs, marriage counseling all met with defensive nasty attitude and the past couple of months name calling...


I'm sorry you find yourself in what sounds like pretty crappy circumstances. It seems your husband is not only freezing you out but becoming abusive towards you.

Have you considered a separation if things don't improve?


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

I’m not sure exactly, but he claims I kicked him out of bedroom years ago. Really what happened was all intimacy was long gone first, phone/iPad secrets etc. and he is over twice my size. It was affecting my health not sleeping so I wanted to SLEEP in separate bedrooms. 

Yes I talked about moving out a couple weeks for a break and he is absolutely against that.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Hubby and I have SLEPT in separate bedrooms for years. He snores. I snore. We work. I can't function if I haven't slept. This is a non-starter and there are ways to maintain intimacy.

Its the combination of long gone sex life, combined with locked phones, secrets, abuse and making everything YOUR fault (you kicked me out of the bedroom) that worries me.

I'm going to say it and I know that many will agree. I think your man is deep into an affair and has been for a while.

Others here will help you find out for sure.

Sounds like he's trying to control you and your thinking. BE CAREFUL. Verbal abuse can often cross into physical abuse. He cannot be absolutely against you moving out. Just tell him you are tired of his abuse and need a break. Then pack your bags and walk out. Make arrangements ahead of time to go to family or friends. Trust me. If you let this continue, you will be so mired in depression and hopelessness that you will paralyzed and unable to fight for yourself.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Minty* said:


> I’m not sure exactly, but he claims I kicked him out of bedroom years ago. Really what happened was all intimacy was long gone first, phone/iPad secrets etc. and he is over twice my size. It was affecting my health not sleeping so I wanted to SLEEP in separate bedrooms.
> 
> Yes I talked about moving out a couple weeks for a break and he is absolutely against that.


If you haven't read it yet, try reading the 5 Love Languages book. The fact that he's against you moving out is, I think, a good sign. 

It does sound like there are some strong issues on both sides. The privacy on the phone thing could "just" be porn; while it's popular here to assume a locked phone is a sign of cheating, I think the fact that he doesn't want you to move out, and that you haven't been intimate for some time (or at least very infrequently so) points to porn being a real possibility.

But first, do YOU want the marriage saved?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Be careful about taking breaks. Many use them as an excuse to hook up and the marriage ends up more damaged than it was before. Sounds like he doesn't want a break but obviously something's going on. Whether it's major or (relatively) minor is the question.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I snore. I snore so loudly I keep our neighbours awake!  so obviously we sleep in separate rooms.
@Minty* your husband has apparently killed your marriage and doesn't seem to care.

What do YOU want to happen next?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Minty, do yo have any access to his old phones or pads? If you do and they are not locked be smart and tell him you want to start reading on them. Then do a ...

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Make sure you make multiple copies and put in a safe place hidden from him.

And get these.... It's a VAR get sturdy Velcro and put under his car seat and or other locations. Be sure to conceal them well.

Sony ICD-PX470 Stereo Digital Voice Recorder with Built-in USB Voice Recorder

Then place them in his, bedroom, car home office ect where ever his does his thing. Hide them well!! Then you are on your way to the truth. 

If what you and I suspect you will have your answer in a short time. This may sound over the top for you but, it gets the results or puts your concerns to rest. 

Take care of yourself, eat rest, exercise to keep you strong. Your not alone we are here to help.

Tilted


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

Thank you for the book and electronic devices recommendations. This is totally new to me. I’ve not been a snooper or go through his stuff. I could maybe do the voice recorder but absolutely could not use his iphone or iPad not ever. 

Now I know I didn’t deserve this just because I needed 8 hrs of sleep 🙂

Thank you for the replies. Gives me a lot to think about and it does help me as well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Minty* said:


> Thank you for the book and electronic devices recommendations. This is totally new to me. I’ve not been a snooper or go through his stuff. I could maybe do the voice recorder but absolutely could not use his iphone or iPad not ever.
> 
> Now I know I didn’t deserve this just because I needed 8 hrs of sleep 🙂
> 
> ...


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

As soon as I read your post I immediately suspected there is probably cheating going on. Sounds a lot like my experience with my ex-husband. Your gut is definitely telling you something is up. I assume that being married this long you have significant assets together. That may be why he doesn't want you to leave. He may be like my ex -- he didn't want to get divorced and have to split up all our assets. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Not gonna lie, it's TOUGH to do but you need to start secretly recording him. That's basically the only way to find out anything for sure. Especially if he's got his phone locked down. I found out for sure my husband was cheating within the first 30 minutes of recording time. It sucks to have to do that but surely you would want/need to know if something is going on. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

EmeryB said:


> As soon as I read your post I immediately suspected there is probably cheating going on. Sounds a lot like my experience with my ex-husband. Your gut is definitely telling you something is up. I assume that being married this long you have significant assets together. That may be why he doesn't want you to leave. He may be like my ex -- he didn't want to get divorced and have to split up all our assets. He just wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Not gonna lie, it's TOUGH to do but you need to start secretly recording him. That's basically the only way to find out anything for sure. Especially if he's got his phone locked down. I found out for sure my husband was cheating within the first 30 minutes of recording time. It sucks to have to do that but surely you would want/need to know if something is going on.
> 
> Yes EmeryB that is also a possibility- the motto in his workplace is “it’s cheaper to keep her”. I forgot to mention his rage escalated into punching wall, slamming doors, breaking cabinets when we have a confrontation. I just go into my room now and try to disengage
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Minty, are there any of his old phones or pads around, those are the ones to do the recover on. Not is current ones which he has locked.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

Tilted- no ☹ I can’t get into anything.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Damn, well no one wants to be the marital police, but if you are so inclined go to Land sea and air for a tracking device along with the VAR you put in his auto. Then you can see every place his car goes and if there is a repeat after repeat. Which is out of the norm you can follow on your phone it give location of the car within 5'. Monthly charges are about a30-40.00 a month. Maybe you can catch something this way.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this Minty, we're in similar situations atm I'm completely lost. You've definitely got my support.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Hi Minty. I see some red flags here. Time to do some discreet snooping. Good luck and welcome!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Sleeping in different bedrooms doesn't have to mean no intimacy.

A marriage needs intimacy. If you have separate bedrooms, then you still need to make time to get together. 

If it looked like:

- he approaches you 100% of the time
- you turn him down most of the time


Then I can see how he felt that you killed intimacy. A man needs to know that he is wanted. Just a guess that this is the way it was.

And if he was cheating, then I understand. But that needed to be dealt with. One way or another. Separating bedrooms and living separate lives for any period of time will eventually lead to someone leaving.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

No I never turned him down as far as that would go. He is the one who didn’t want sex/intimacy for almost 6 years! from the low self esteem I ran my body into the ground bikini comp plastic surgery etc. ,that was consuming me. I thought he had ED so I left him alone not to make matters worse for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Minty* I have moved your thread to the coping with infidelity section of TAM.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

OK - i got to ask. What is bikini competition? Is it a profession? Liking traveling to events held at different places in the country?

I remember spring break in Daytona Beach years ago and all the bikini competitions and wet T-shirt contests at all the bars. But most of the bikini competitions were sponsored by some tanning or body lotion company. Is that what you were dong? Was husband attending with you?


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Minty* said:


> No I never turned him down as far as that would go. He is the one who didn’t want sex/intimacy for almost 6 years! from the low self esteem I ran my body into the ground bikini comp plastic surgery etc. ,that was consuming me. I thought he had ED so I left him alone not to make matters worse for him.


You must be some kind of saint. That would've been a deal-breaker for me after a year or so.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Minty* said:


> No I never turned him down as far as that would go. He is the one who didn’t want sex/intimacy for almost 6 years! from the low self esteem I ran my body into the ground bikini comp plastic surgery etc. ,that was consuming me. I thought he had ED so I left him alone not to make matters worse for him.


Good Lord, my husband did the same to me. I tried hard not to make him feel worse about it and tried to encourage him to do something positive and still have some intimacy but got shot down every time. It really takes a toll on you. Did he at least compliment you? You sound like you really take care of yourself.

My husband and I are pretty much separated at this point, he's been at his parents for the last 2 weeks and he had to come home to wait for some workmen as I had an appointment a few times. He still tells me I'm beautiful and tris to hold me, yet he's out of the cheating closet to everyone.

I don't have real advise for you, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I truly feel for you.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> OK - i got to ask. What is bikini competition? Is it a profession? Liking traveling to events held at different places in the country?
> 
> I remember spring break in Daytona Beach years ago and all the bikini competitions and wet T-shirt contests at all the bars. But most of the bikini competitions were sponsored by some tanning or body lotion company. Is that what you were dong? Was husband attending with you?


No it wasn’t like those... it was bikini division in bodybuilding shows... I couldn’t get the size for figure/bodybuilding -No steroids so I basically did the same workout, lifted a lot of weights, super strict dieting, posing, etc., it can take a big toll and its all consuming however we had problems long before. 

He did attend; my mother disapproved and suggested she didn’t think any husband would like seeing his wife on stage like that. I asked and apologized to him but he said he absolutely didn’t have a problem with it.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> Good Lord, my husband did the same to me. I tried hard not to make him feel worse about it and tried to encourage him to do something positive and still have some intimacy but got shot down every time. It really takes a toll on you. Did he at least compliment you? You sound like you really take care of yourself.
> 
> My husband and I are pretty much separated at this point, he's been at his parents for the last 2 weeks and he had to come home to wait for some workmen as I had an appointment a few times. He still tells me I'm beautiful and tris to hold me, yet he's out of the cheating closet to everyone.
> 
> I don't have real advise for you, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I truly feel for you.


Oh I’m so sorry 2 weeks ago only must be so difficult for you... thank you, the forum does help me see i’m Definitely not alone or crazy!!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Minty* said:


> Thank you... i’m 40 F he’s 45.. no children. Married 18 years. There is job stress for him i think but he denies. He has always had job stress (i think ) but nothing new that I know of. We got into a huge argument over his locked phone ( been locked for about 7 years) . I have a gut instinct he’s keeping many secrets from me and I feel disconnected now. But just can fight about anything and everything this past couple months.


Trust your gut. The gut never lies. 

What does it tell you? Be honest. 



> *I was a trainer/ bikini competitor and got injured*, however the drift started way before that i believe. Thanks for the welcome!


 Beautiful actors and celebrities get cheated on all the time. Being beautiful and fit does not innoculate you against being cheated on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Minty* said:


> No I never turned him down as far as that would go. He is the one who didn’t want sex/intimacy for almost 6 years! from the low self esteem I ran my body into the ground bikini comp plastic surgery etc. ,that was consuming me. I thought he had ED so I left him alone not to make matters worse for him.


*If* he is a serial cheater, there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop him from cheating. You could have a vagina made of pure sunshine, a perfect body, and be a hellcat in bed, and he would still cheat on you. Because that's what serial cheaters do. Cheating for them is like breathing. 

My advice is to hire a P.I. It will cost you a couple thousand, but what is that cost compared to living a life of misery and doubt? It is the simplest and fastest way to get answers.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

Ok. Got voice recorder put in his room. 5 minutes of me out the door he is looking at 18 year old porn. He claims he feels too fat and intimidated by me. What do you think now? I still think there is a lot more, my gut instinct, someone sent him a heart ❤ on his phone. I seen. He denies and keeps yelling I m crazy making it all up. Just denied everything to my face. I suppose but I’ll never find out now.


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

Minty - you didn't tell him you recorded him, did you??? If you really want to find out more info, then keep recording him. Maybe he does feel intimidated by you - - and maybe that's his excuse for cheating with whoever has sent him the heart on his phone. My husband kept telling me I was crazy too, and totally making it all up about him and the OW. Meanwhile, they were still secretly calling/texting constantly and meeting each other at least twice a day. Cheaters LIE. And they don't like getting caught doing it. And they definitely don't like being confronted. They will only keep on lying until you can shove the kind of proof in their faces that they absolutely can't deny - - like recordings of them.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

Keep snooping. Whatever you do, DO NOT confront him until you have solid evidence and do not tell him how you found out information. I’m sorry you are here. I’m gonna be honest though, it doesn’t really sound like you have a marriage and you probably never will with him, affair or not.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

EmeryB, maree, yes I confronted him, he was being an ass as usual blaming me for everything and I lost it, like really lost it. I threw some sentimental wedding stuff at him and it came out... again I really can’t get into anything else of his, he wouldn’t even let me check the weather on his phone/pad... I am totally not allowed to even hold it without lock on, he has one key to his car. We got in horrible fight and not talking I have complete shut him out as if he doesn’t exist... I think I literally hate him. Thank you for the support. I am unsure what will happen now. He asked what can I do to fix it... I said with or without me in your life you need help. But I don’t think he will make any attempt... he asked for a hug but my arms fell.. I can’t stand him right now. He’s looking for pity and expects everything will go on as normal. But not this time for me. Besides I have that gut instinct TAM says is very real. He also tried to deflect the situation and said how many men have you had sex with. I just have to get as much space as possible right now. I wish I had money for PI, he controls all the money.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Minty* said:


> Oh I’m so sorry 2 weeks ago only must be so difficult for you... thank you, the forum does help me see i’m Definitely not alone or crazy!!!


You're definitely not crazy and unfortunately not alone. How are you doing? I know people always say to step up the self care; eating well, exercising, doing something that makes you feel good about yourself and the future, but it really does help.

I've been trying to do that and I can attest it helps you to clear your mind. Please hang in there!


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Minty* said:


> EmeryB, maree, yes I confronted him, he was being an ass as usual blaming me for everything and I lost it, like really lost it. I threw some sentimental wedding stuff at him and it came out... again I really can’t get into anything else of his, he wouldn’t even let me check the weather on his phone/pad... I am totally not allowed to even hold it without lock on, he has one key to his car. We got in horrible fight and not talking I have complete shut him out as if he doesn’t exist... I think I literally hate him. Thank you for the support. I am unsure what will happen now. He asked what can I do to fix it... I said with or without me in your life you need help. But I don’t think he will make any attempt... he asked for a hug but my arms fell.. I can’t stand him right now. He’s looking for pity and expects everything will go on as normal. But not this time for me. Besides I have that gut instinct TAM says is very real. He also tried to deflect the situation and said how many men have you had sex with. I just have to get as much space as possible right now. I wish I had money for PI, he controls all the money.


This is classic narcissistic behavior. Gaslighting, blaming you. Look, no matter what, this is not your fault. Do the 180. 

Think about you, take care of yourself, stay away from him. 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds miserable.


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## Minty* (Sep 16, 2019)

Stormguy2018 said:


> Minty* said:
> 
> 
> > This is classic narcissistic behavior. Gaslighting, blaming you. Look, no matter what, this is not your fault. Do the 180.
> ...


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