# Is he ready to be a father?



## dorothy_oz (Mar 16, 2014)

Hi. I'll try to keep this short. 

Just recently, my partner of 3 and a half years, broke it off with me. I'm pregnant. We were never married, but he had been saying we would get married and I was his best friend. As it turns out, none of that seemed to have been true. I was a stay-at-home wife, who's never worked and has issues with severe agoraphobia and I'm autistic, both of which make it extremely difficult for me to work or leave the house. I had always made it clear what I wanted from a relationship (to be a mother and be supported). He told me he was okay with this when we first met and up until recently he SAID he didn't mind supporting me. Now I don't know what I am, or where anything is going or what I'm doing. He's been impossible to talk to, he's cold, and his moods have been erratic.

I'm already 24 weeks along and he's didn't show much interest in the baby and now none at all - not even when we saw the 20 week ultrasound a week ago (I had to reschedule because he made plans with his buddy that were too close to my appointment). When we were together, I had thought this to be kind of normal, but now I'm not so sure. When we first discovered I was pregnant, he didn't have much of a reaction, but one of the first things he looked up was how much he could get for a tax break for the child. I thought it was a bit odd, but I brushed it off. I had read men react very differently to pregnancy and it could be shock. Even then, though, he said all the right things, we decided against abortion and he refuses adoption, saying that the baby had a stable home right here (with us) and "how could I be so selfish" as to wanting to give up our child. He had also said something interesting at the time. He said, even if things didn't work out between us, he'd want us to stay together for the child. But he'd even said he was happy to start a family with me.

Still, 20 weeks later and he just does NOT seem to care, and especially about me. Even more so since breaking up. He's been downright bi polar. When we were breaking up, he said things weren't working out between us - they just weren't working, he didn't love me anymore, or my favorite that he "wasn't man enough to handle my ASD." He wasn't man enough to take care of me and he had wanted to be, but he couldn't. He said taking care of me meant not taking care of himself and he thought I would improve - get better, but I wasn't and that made him resentful. There was some crying, he started drinking and then it all got confusing from there. He went from saying all that to I was an inconvenience for him and he was sick of having to consider me all the time, having to deal with my "freak outs" when he went anywhere (because he didn't TELL me where he was or going or what he doing and I would worry!), or that he couldn't play music too loud in the house (I would just ask him to turn it down..), or he couldn't spend his money how he wanted (but then complain about not having any money, even though he spent it all himself!), or he couldn't have friends over or hang out with friends. Let me just say that I never said any such thing. All I wanted was for him to spend more time with me and he had been spending all this time with his friends - literally almost every day after work for hours and most of the time he didn't message me or anything. And I didn't approve of what they did together, which was to get high all the time, or drink, or go on "runs" together for fake weed. I didn't think that was healthy behavior for him when he had been trying off-and-on to deal with his addiction. I was also pretty resentful, jealous and feeling left behind because he seemed a lot happier and more involved when he spoke about his friends. I tried talking to him. I would ask him to do stuff with me (dates, walks at the park, etc) and he never wanted to do anything. But he would JUMP if one of his buddies wanted to do something. In the couple months before the pregnancy, he HAD been trying more. Trying to get me to hang out with his friends, being more open to talking, but he was still fighting his addiction and relapsed a couple of times. :/ And we were fighting off-and-on. Before anyone says I enabled him, I hadn't. I had been asking him and then urging him to quit the entire time. At some point, he started to make me feel like it was my fault, I felt guilty and even his stress at his work was my fault, because he was the only one working. 

We found out it was a girl last week and he's disappointed. He wanted a boy. He had been calling the baby a "he." I asked him if he was disappointed and he said he felt like a girl wouldn't like him, she'd be more like me and I might turn her against him now. ...... I can't even say how much that hurt me. He was with me for so long and I feel like he never saw me as a person, because if he had, he would know I would never do any such thing. Ironically enough, that's something his mother would and did do when he was growing up. But I won't delve into his family issues only to say that they enable him a lot. All of his money problems can be traced back to him, he spends impulsively, refuses to budget and he spends so much of it recklessly that his parents always bail him out - every paycheck. They pay the cable and internet, water and electricity. As well as his medical bills and his college debts. On top of all that, he buys weed every payday. But somehow any money issues we had together, were my fault. It was always so mixed. One moment it was our money, he wanted to buy me stuff I didn't want. The next it was his and groceries were too much. I always found it so confusing. 

We live next door to his parent's and they've been on vacation. He's been staying over there to "make me more comfortable." He asks me if I need food or anything, but he's very iffy. He has tried to make me get aid from the government, but I can't because we still count as household, relationship or not. He refuses to understand this. He says he wouldn't kick me out, but that I need to put up with is treatment because I'm staying here. Its my fault that I'm so dependent on him. I feel like he really resents me and wants to be alone. Sometimes, he is better to talk to. Other times, he is angry, yelling, putting me down and blaming me for this-and-that. In general, he's distant, cold and barely speaks to me. He says we have nothing to talk about, that he "doesn't have to care, we're not in a relationship anymore." And then he tells me over and over, if we're bickering, that, "See? This is why we shouldn't be in a relationship together." Or "See? This is why we didn't work out." He says I can never admit anything I do/did wrong, but that's not true at all. I can admit it. He can't. And he always acts like he does, but he NEVER does. Its like talking to a wall. He doesn't even seem sorry for any of his outbursts or of the hurtful things he says.

How are we supposed to raise a baby together when he won't communicate and sees nothing wrong with any of his behavior?

A few of my friends think he's going to bail. I don't even have to time to be heartbroken. My brain is in this weird place, because a month ago, we were together and I thought we were going to be a family. And now, he could care less for me. He barely acknowledges me most times. Or he asks me if I need anything. But then when I've asked for money to get clothes as I'm getting bigger, he refuses to help, because he thinks there is this imaginary money that I could be getting from the government to lessen the burden on him.

I don't think any of this bodes well. 

Can anyone analyze him from what I've said and tell me what it means? What's going through his head? I don't understand. I don't know what he really means and what he doesn't. Please, don't tell me how this is my fault. I feel like crap enough already. I put my faith in the wrong man. I thought you could make any relationship work with love and effort, communication and compromise. What I should do? He let me think that being a SAHM was perfectly fine. Had been letting me think that the entire relationship with his words and promises. Now I feel like I've been left out to dry, he's cleaning house. And part of me is fine with it, I just want him to be happy, but he doesn't seem to give a crap even about the baby I'm carrying and how his moods stress me out.

And just so everyone knows, this pregnancy resulted from the one time of sex after 3 years of no sex. Not loads of unprotected, irresponsible sex. He just wasn't a good partner in bed and sex was too painful. 

I want to be strong. I don't want to slip into a depression, but on top of all that I'm sick now too with a double ear infection and a nasty cold. He doesn't even care.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, he's not ready to be a father or a husband. He's making that pretty clear.

Now what are you willing to do about it?

C


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I agree with PBear.
What is your support network like? Do you have family or a good friend who could potentially house you and your baby if need be?
He is NOT ready to be a father, and I would question your own good sense for choosing to have a family with him given you know how he puts himself first ALL the time...
I would highly recommend getting away from him and this whole situation, its time to stop playing the victim. Yes you are in this position now because you believed what he was saying but YOU are the only one who can get you out of it.

What should you do, you ask?
Leave.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others. He's not ready to be a father, a husband or a boyfriend. He's clearly left you and to be on his own.

You need to move on.

Do you live in the USA? I don't understand why say that he's still part of the household you are in. He's no longer living with you. So you are a household of one and you are pregnant. You need to get on gov assistance as soon as possible.

Do you drive? Can you get to the place for applying for assistance? Or do you need to get a friend or family member to help you get there?

That's step one.

Then we can talk about what you do to get on your own.


----------



## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

If he was not ready to be a father, he should have double wrapped it or kept it in his pants.

File for custody and child support when the baby is born. DO NOT allow him to get out of his legal obligations.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

OP, it's now time to take the bull by the horns & take your power back. You said you are autistic & you are severely agoraphobic, call Social Security Administration (800-772-1213). Make an appointment to file for SSI Disability, that is an need based federal disability benefits (I'm assuming you don't have much work history). You can request to have a telephone appointment. **I know all of this because I work for SSA**

Next, call your local Social Service department in your state. Since you guys are broken up, you aren't technically a household anymore. Tell them you need medical assistance, food stamps, housing assistance, & even temporary cash assistance. If you tell them you are pregnant, they may speed up the process for you.

Since your ex is being very unpredictable, I would recommend not putting his name on the baby's birth certificate when she is born. Leave the father's name section blank or "unknown". File for custody, file for child support, & set up a reasonable visitation schedule through the courts. If he steps up & is consistent, you can always add his name to the birth certificate later. But with his unpredictability, leaving his name off the birth certificate can save you a lot of heart ache & stress.

Do you have any family that you can turn to nearby? If they aren't nearby, are they willing to help you & let you move in with them for a little while?

If you need support or help with information, please do not hesitate to send me a private message. Hugs, you can do this!


----------

