# A shame



## Andersmash (Dec 8, 2012)

Hey all. I never thought it'd end up like this, but I'm a Soldier getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan. Tonight, while I have 24 hour duty, I caught my wife cheating on me. I caught her in a lie when I went home to surprise her and lie down in bed with her for an hour or two in the middle of the night. I texted her to ask where she was, she said at home in bed. Long story short she's at her boyfriend's house right now and she admitted to having sex with him this week. I told her that if she wants to work on the marriage, she would come home and leave the guy's house. She didn't. I still have about four hours of duty left and I get to deal with all of this anxiety and whatever else I'm feeling while she is sleeping comfortably in another man's bed. We've been married almost three years. I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for by posting this, maybe just some helpful thoughts on how to cope. Thank you for your time.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

Divorce the faithless slag. Minimize the financial damage to yourself, move on with your life and be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

First - thanks for your service. 

If you don't have children it's probably best that you sever ties with her. You don't want to have doubts about what she's doing while you are deployed. Do it legally. Is her bf in the service too?


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## Andersmash (Dec 8, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, all. My brain isn't exactly operating at 100% currently. 

I think he's prior Navy. Not active though. And yeah, we don't have kids, but we were trying. Good thing I didn't get her pregnant.


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## hopeless1 (Dec 8, 2012)

From someone in a horrible relationship with someone who's cheated on me...AND we have kids together...PLEASE take my advice.

Get out. What do you think she'll be doing while you're fighting for your country in Afghanistan? You don't want that crap on your mind. I don't know how things work in the service, being deployed and whatnot, but I'd divorce her ASAP and not look back. That is pretty screwed up of her to do that to you, no matter what, but 10X more screwed up seeing that you're about to leave the country for an extended period of time. And she's with another dude? I'm sorry man, it sucks, but you gotta kick her to the curb.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Andersmash said:


> I told her that if she wants to work on the marriage, she would come home and leave the guy's house. She didn't.


This seems like a pretty clear directive. As long as there were no threats of harm, which I would imagine you didn't do, you gave a very simple choice. If she had any desire to preserve your marriage she should have jumped up. I caution myself in making snap judgements about scenarios without all the details. This just seems very callous on her part from the paragraph you gave. 

I think you should immediately get going with a counselor. What you don't need, is to deploy and have so many unanswered questions looming without a outlet for relief. Talking to friends or forums is much different than a good counselor.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry you're dealing with this. Life sucks, sometimes. I've been a Soldier over 31 years. We require exceptionally special people to be military spouses. She just doesn't meet the minimum standard. If she can't be faithful while you're pulling a 24 hr duty, she won't be faithful for 12 months while you're deployed or for a few years if you were captured or for the rest of your life if you were seriously wounded. You can't trust her heart, so you also can't trust her with your money or any future kids. Put bluntly, she's got nothing you could benefit from. If you have given her a General Power of Attorney, go see JAG and rescind it. Protect yourself, financially, until you can make a permanent solution.
Sadly, right now, your primary focus needs to be on getting you and your people to Afghanistan, doing your job, and getting everybody home with all fingers and toes attached. You don't need this domestic grief in your head because that will get you or your buddies killed. 
It's a very tall order but if you can't get your head in the game and keep it there, you need to talk to the chaplain or a shrink and get pulled from this deployment. There will be other deployments. Don't do something stupid that will cost your career. Over 31 years, I've had three wives. I've had one Army. My wives didn't pay for my college. They didn't pay my bills and they won't be paying my pension. The ones I divorced needed to be divorced and although it hurt like hell at the time, looking back, I realize they were cancerous tumors in their own way. They moved on and made other men miserable. 
There are faithful women who would crawl through fire for you. They will willingly go wherever your service sends them. They will patiently deal with the military's special brand of trials, proudly supporting you the entire way. Find one of those and accept nothing less. Once you do find one, never take her for granted because she will be worth her weight in diamonds and more. 
Thanks for your service and take care of yourself and your people. Nothing that woman is doing is worth losing a finger or toe on any of you. Seriously! Get your head straight or don't go on this deployment.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Sorry you're here andersmash. When a spouse cheats this early in a marriage, particularly under these circumstances, it does not bode well for her future as a faithful wife. That said, if there is any chance for reconciliation she has to be remorseful. Clearly by her not returning home, she demonstrated she is not. 

Try to turn your hurt into anger to better detach from her. Look up the links for the "180" and follow the instructions. It will help you get through this.

You're young, no children, and have a long life ahead of you. You deserve a wife who is faithful to you. You will find someone else that will be. Good luck to you and thank your for your service.


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## Andersmash (Dec 8, 2012)

Wow really helpful, everyone. Thank you.



unbelievable said:


> If you have given her a General Power of Attorney, go see JAG and rescind it


Thankfully I did not do that. And I will most certainly not be a risk to my Soldiers or myself downrange. I am and will be hurt by this for a while, but the deployment will keep me busy. I will not fail my Soldiers.

I really can't be thankful enough to this forum and to all the quick responses I've gotten. I thought it was kind of a silly idea to post and wasn't sure of the kinds of responses I would get, but it seems you're all here for similar reasons. Thank you all.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Andersmash said:


> Thanks for the advice, all. My brain isn't exactly operating at 100% currently.
> 
> I think he's prior Navy. Not active though. And yeah, we don't have kids, but we were trying. Good thing I didn't get her pregnant.


It cannot get better than this. Please don't get back with her...

Expose her to friends and family and divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Andersmash said:


> Wow really helpful, everyone. Thank you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


keep posting if you have to. There are threads that are hundreds of pages long. Use this place to vent or get a perspective. It will be very helpful to you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're going to be ok, but you aren't Superman. None of us are. Keep your body in great shape, keep your mind busy, and reach out for help if you need it. Deployments can be great opportunities to get away from ugly situations and concentrate on other things. Maybe you can take some on-line college courses over there. I finished up two degrees in Iraq. Set some personal goals and focus on those when your mission doesn't require your attention. You can come home stronger, healthier, wealthier, smarter, with more rank, more interesting, and maybe even better looking. Piss on that heifer.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Does she work or is she just living of your paycheck?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

what she will try to do in the light of day is to convince you she was 1) scared to come home, so she stayed at his place.
2) that she's so very sorry, and would like to R, and you should give her a chance and YOUR PAYCHECK.

Dump and move on, she's shown her loyalty and it isn't to you. Would you accept a soldier who is loyal to the enemy?


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Thank you for your service.
I'm so sorry to hear about another service member being cheated on.
You got "lucky" because you caught your wife now, thankfully it wasn't while you were in country. 
Now is the time to get this situation taken care of, go to JAG to get their advice regarding divorce laws in your state.
Are you living on post?
Are you close with your PL or PL Sgt? 
I suggest letting them know what is going on, just in case she tries to go to command to get you in trouble.
Seems that when wives get caught cheating they tend to spread lies to get their husbands in trouble. 
Depending on how much time you have before you deploy, you may even be able to get a divorce before, at the very least you can get the process started. 

My husband is currently deployed to Afghan & the thought of cheating on him has never crossed my mind & why should it?


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## Andersmash (Dec 8, 2012)

Thankfully she's not malicious enough to try to get me in trouble. And yep, that's exactly what she said. She was afraid. Her father was emotionally abusive, and I am emotionally proficient so I always catered to her needs and her ways. She has no reason to be afraid other than shame. I am not my platoon sergeant's favorite person, but 1SG loves me. I can get the help I need, that's for sure. 

Yeah I agree that it's lucky to catch her before the deployment while there's still time to deal with it stateside. Downrange would have been too much.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Andersmash said:


> *Thankfully she's not malicious enough to try to get me in trouble.* And yep, that's exactly what she said. She was afraid. Her father was emotionally abusive, and I am emotionally proficient so I always catered to her needs and her ways. She has no reason to be afraid other than shame. I am not my platoon sergeant's favorite person, but 1SG loves me. I can get the help I need, that's for sure.
> 
> Yeah I agree that it's lucky to catch her before the deployment while there's still time to deal with it stateside. Downrange would have been too much.


You also probably didn't think she would cheat on you either.
Just when you think you know someone, they surprise you.
Do make sure to let your 1SG know, in case she does get vindictive. 
I've seen careers ruined because a wife decided to be a witch about what she perceived to be an "unfair" divorce.
Well she should have thought about that BEFORE she gave it up to someone other than her husband.
Just protect yourself, you can't be too cautious when it comes to these situations.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If "Top" is in your corner, you're golden. He's seen women like this before and he used to wear whatever rank you're carrying. The only person in your unit who can actually jam you is your Commander and Top has your C.O.'s ear. Unless your C.O. is a raving idiot, he/she greatly heeds Top's opinion. He was pushing troops while your C.O. was still pushing turds into a diaper.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

This sucks. Thank you for your service. My ExWife did the same thing, but I did not handle it well. Good thing there is more information out there for you. You do understand that SHE is the broken one, not you. She has to live her life and make her choices and live with them. You, also will live your life and make choices. One of them I hope is to not talk to her and divorce her. Make it fast so you can start your new life and she can see who she is.Good luck and God Bless. David


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

As you worked for your country and the family, she worked on cheating you.
Sorry OP.

You seem to be composed, and it is a good sign.

Take care, your life will be better without your cheating wife.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Please act immediately and be sure she's off your insurances. She may well wind up pregnant - especially if you've been trying. you don't want to send money to support any child that isn't yours while your on deployment. Make your parents or siblings the beneficiaries.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Andersmash said:


> Thankfully she's not malicious enough to try to get me in trouble. And yep, that's exactly what she said. She was afraid. Her father was emotionally abusive, and I am emotionally proficient so I always catered to her needs and her ways. She has no reason to be afraid other than shame. I am not my platoon sergeant's favorite person, but 1SG loves me. I can get the help I need, that's for sure.
> 
> Yeah I agree that it's lucky to catch her before the deployment while there's still time to deal with it stateside. Downrange would have been too much.


You're deceiving yourself here. A week ago you would have rejected the idea that she'd be in another mans bed. Of course she will betray you. You know why I know - because she's already done it.

The "I'm afraid" of you is a total lie that makes her out to be the victim. The only thing she is afraid of is having to face the truth, because it will hold consequences for her. 

She isn't afraid of you for a minute. She instead she wanted the comfort of the OM's bed when she got caught. She wanted to put off for as long as possible dealing with the reality that she is a cheater and has been caught.

you need to expose the cheating of both of them to their friends and families. this is the #1 way to break up the nice affair.

Even if you don't want her back, you do want to break up the affair because he provides her with a support system which will empower her to fight you in the divorce that will come. If you break the affair up, she will be more emotionally troubled and less able to mount an counter attack.

This is war, and you've been trained to fight wars. Use those skills here. Keep her off balance. Deny her aid and comfort.


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