# Moving forward, but struggling to completely "let go"...



## WreckTangle

I've been divorced for 6-months. We had been married for nine years (together for 12). Two kids (6-year-old son, 3.5-year-old daughter).

My ex-wife initiated the divorce. It would take too long to get into the details, but there wasn't any infidelity or abuse or neglect. She changed. She felt that I wasn't the partner she needed and that she was becoming an angry person because of it.

She wanted out, and once she made the decision, she moved quickly. She told me on March 1st of last year and by the third week of March I had the papers in front of me.

The divorce itself was pretty amicable. We didn't fight over anything. We split the kids 50/50. We even continued to live together until the divorce was final in August. At that point, we shared the house until she was able to move into her own condo.

I like to think I'm doing okay. I'm taking care of myself. I'm in the best shape of my life. I have fun when I can. I'm focusing on being the best father I can be. 

It's just still so tough. This is not the future I ever thought I would have. I really believed I had a partner who felt as strongly for me as I did for her. I guess it is always harder on the one who was left than the one who decided to leave.

Anyway, I've just encountered the next "hurdle" on my journey through the process of saying goodbye. My ex is seeing someone and it is serious enough that she has "introduced" our kids to him. He is a single father (not sure what his backstory is). The kids just know him as "mommy's friend".

I guess I don't know how to feel about it. I know it is really none of my business. She is no longer mine. I honestly wish her happiness. We've maintained a decent friendship, because we have to be good co-parents.

Still, I feel really sad. I think I feel sad because it is hard to see the person you loved so much and planned to be with forever be with someone else. I'm sad because it underscores the loss. Yes, I knew it was over, but this is a reminder just how over it is. I also feel sad because even though we were moving on different paths, I felt like I had someone who was going through something similar, and it is jarring to find out they're so much further along than you are.

All this said, I don't hurt like I thought I would.

I wish I could have more separation, but it is impossible because of the kids.

I think I'm on the right path towards healing myself, but I also still feel so lost. I know I just have to keep moving forward, but I still feel so much sadness at times. It's like I hold onto all of the good memories and she has held onto the bad ones. She looks at our relationship and "sees" how bad it became, so she's happy in her current life. I look at the good moments (and there were far more good moments) and I mourn what was lost.

...guess I'm just looking for some advice and/or positive thoughts. I really am a solid, functioning human being. I've made a lot of progress in the past year, but I still hold a lot sadness in my heart. I still struggle to completely disengage myself from the past and the what ifs.


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## Sparta

Maybe you were having a hard time getting over it. Because she ended your marriage to be with this guy.? do you think that's a possibility that she was already seen him or was he was already in the picture that's why she ended your marriage so quick.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe

You've come to the right place to share your feelings and thoughts, but if you can afford it, also see a therapist/counsellor. They are professionals who will offer you objective, solid advice on how to deal with the sadness that comes from being single after a marriage, and seeing your ex-spouse with a new partner.

I'm not yet divorced, but we haven't been living together for months. I left an emotionally abusive relationship where too many people were involved in our marriage for us to have half a decent chance at happiness/peace...separated for a year, got back together for 3 months only to realize not much had changed. I am working full time and caring for my young child. It's not easy. Especially the first few months after our most recent separation, I felt SO UPSET and sad about everything that we lost. I wanted more children, I wanted my child to see both parents together and thriving, I wanted financial stability, a strong shoulder to lean on. But life rarely turns out the way we expect it to. There is also stigma attached (especially in my culture) to a divorced woman living on her own...I feel like I've lost friends, and that people see me as a threat because I decided to stand up to emotional/psychological abuse instead of just accept it. I've had people tell me "if only you didn't have a kid, it would be so much better for you"...and an immediate relative tell me, "What did you do to make him and his family so emotionally abusive toward you?" in a very accusatory tone.

The thing is, you're at this point because you need to be. The universe has created this set of experiences, this situation, in order for you to blossom and grow as a more conscious human being. This sadness that you feel is really going to heal you. The last thing you want is to cover it up with a new infatuation or ignore it, without letting yourself grieve the loss of your marriage and first life partner. I am going through it as well. I know that right now is a very low point in my life...but it won't always be this way. Hold on because everything changes...seasons change, life changes. Let yourself feel sad but don't stay in the sad place forever. Just as your ex partner moved on to a new relationship, so will you, but it won't be rushed and you'll give yourself the time you need. 

For a long time I was also really confused/sad about my ex. He was a really affectionate and caring person toward me, but had some very deep-rooted codependance issues involving his family that damaged our marriage beyond repair. Half the time I'm upset about past stuff he's done, other times I'm afraid I'll never find someone who loves me again. But I'm at the point where I'm starting to be okay with that...because the point is to build a peaceful and content life for myself and my child. Not to simply BE with someone for the sake of not being alone. Right now, I'm just trying not to let bitterness, suspicion and mistrust of people in general take over my life. I'm learning how to live again, one step at a time.

Keep on taking care of yourself, and everything will be OK.


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## Bananapeel

WT, the time it takes to get over a relationship and move on isn't constant between people and your ex getting in a relationship quickly doesn't denigrate what you had with her. Try to not compare yourself to her. Just try to be happy and be a good dad and when you are ready to move on then you will. If it makes you feel any better her "friend" is probably just a rebound. Good luck.


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## WreckTangle

Sparta said:


> Maybe you were having a hard time getting over it. Because she ended your marriage to be with this guy.? do you think that's a possibility that she was already seen him or was he was already in the picture that's why she ended your marriage so quick.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, this was a new thing.


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## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You've come to the right place to share your feelings and thoughts, but if you can afford it, also see a therapist/counsellor. They are professionals who will offer you objective, solid advice on how to deal with the sadness that comes from being single after a marriage, and seeing your ex-spouse with a new partner.
> 
> I'm not yet divorced, but we haven't been living together for months. I left an emotionally abusive relationship where too many people were involved in our marriage for us to have half a decent chance at happiness/peace...separated for a year, got back together for 3 months only to realize not much had changed. I am working full time and caring for my young child. It's not easy. Especially the first few months after our most recent separation, I felt SO UPSET and sad about everything that we lost. I wanted more children, I wanted my child to see both parents together and thriving, I wanted financial stability, a strong shoulder to lean on. But life rarely turns out the way we expect it to. There is also stigma attached (especially in my culture) to a divorced woman living on her own...I feel like I've lost friends, and that people see me as a threat because I decided to stand up to emotional/psychological abuse instead of just accept it. I've had people tell me "if only you didn't have a kid, it would be so much better for you"...and an immediate relative tell me, "What did you do to make him and his family so emotionally abusive toward you?" in a very accusatory tone.
> 
> The thing is, you're at this point because you need to be. The universe has created this set of experiences, this situation, in order for you to blossom and grow as a more conscious human being. This sadness that you feel is really going to heal you. The last thing you want is to cover it up with a new infatuation or ignore it, without letting yourself grieve the loss of your marriage and first life partner. I am going through it as well. I know that right now is a very low point in my life...but it won't always be this way. Hold on because everything changes...seasons change, life changes. Let yourself feel sad but don't stay in the sad place forever. Just as your ex partner moved on to a new relationship, so will you, but it won't be rushed and you'll give yourself the time you need.
> 
> For a long time I was also really confused/sad about my ex. He was a really affectionate and caring person toward me, but had some very deep-rooted codependance issues involving his family that damaged our marriage beyond repair. Half the time I'm upset about past stuff he's done, other times I'm afraid I'll never find someone who loves me again. But I'm at the point where I'm starting to be okay with that...because the point is to build a peaceful and content life for myself and my child. Not to simply BE with someone for the sake of not being alone. Right now, I'm just trying not to let bitterness, suspicion and mistrust of people in general take over my life. I'm learning how to live again, one step at a time.
> 
> Keep on taking care of yourself, and everything will be OK.


Good stuff, thank you. I do see a therapist (actually see her in about an hour).

I agree about needing to feel what I am feeling. I cannot cover it up. I've always been a pretty emotional person. I definitely wear my heart (and my pain) on my sleeve.

It's just so weird...to find yourself in a situation you never would have thought you'd be in. I thought I had a partner who was as committed to be as I was to her. I never would have considered walking away. Yeah, I saw the rut we had fallen into...and maybe I'm a fool for assuming what we had was strong enough to get through that without any extra effort. I just felt so blindsided when she pulled the plug...and so sad because she never gave me a chance to show her who I could be.

I know life goes on. It already has. I don't begrudge her any happiness. I don't want her to fail or to be sad. 

I know it will get better as time passes. I just want the pain to be gone. It is a serious ache. I cannot ignore it. She told me the other day that I exude sadness. I probably do. I didn't want this, and I grieve for what was lost...just as one would probably grieve the death of a partner.

I know what we had is gone. It is over. There was zero chance we would ever recover. I spent all spring and summer trying. I tried until the very last moment.

I expected she would move on quicker than I would, but maybe not so quickly. 

I just feel even more alone. I have a supportive family. I have a handful of good friends and I have my kids. I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having her around. She likes to cling to how it was when things got bad (basically, she became an angry person and just made life miserable)...while I like to think about the moments where things were good. We had so many more moments where life was good.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not talking about on the surface or with the big, obvious things. I know what I need to do to move forward and heal...but I don't know what to do in the small moments...the pauses in my day where the sadness really creeps in and hits me hard...or when I wake up in the middle-of-the-night in an empty bed and in an empty house.


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## jb02157

Orange_Pekoe said:


> ...and an immediate relative tell me, "What did you do to make him and his family so emotionally abusive toward you?" in a very accusatory tone.


I've had the same from a family member. It's funny how family members can be the most insensitive and awful of all. They blame me, without knowing my wife at all, for the bad marriage we have.


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## WreckTangle

Bananapeel said:


> WT, the time it takes to get over a relationship and move on isn't constant between people and your ex getting in a relationship quickly doesn't denigrate what you had with her. Try to not compare yourself to her. Just try to be happy and be a good dad and when you are ready to move on then you will. If it makes you feel any better her "friend" is probably just a rebound. Good luck.


I don't want to dislike this guy. From what little I know, he seems like a nice person. He has made an effort to be nice to my kids. That means a lot to me.

That said, the overall pain is too fresh for me to truly extend my hand. I'm jealous - he has (at least for now) what I had and what it has "killed" me to lose. 

It very well might be a rebound. It did come very close on the heels of our divorce. I know I'm probably not a good candidate for a relationship because I still have a lot of healing to do. She claims she's being careful, but I worry it is a relationship built upon mutual neediness. I know I would probably find myself in something similar if I was out looking.

This is for her to discover, however. I have to focus on myself and my kids. She will live her life and I'll have to learn to be okay with it. It is really hard. It will continue to be hard.

I'm okay most of the time. I smile. I'm active socially. I'm taking care of myself. I'm painting again and writing again. I'm finding so much strength in being a dad. I'm thankful I'm not worse off. I can get out of bed in the morning (though, sometimes it is tough).

I just don't feel complete anymore. I lack peace-of-mind...and I know that can only come with time. I know I will make new memories, but that the old memories are worth keeping.

Anyway, it is good to be around people who have gone through something similar. It really does help a lot.


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## WreckTangle

jb02157 said:


> I've had the same from a family member. It's funny how family members can be the most insensitive and awful of all. They blame me, without knowing my wife at all, for the bad marriage we have.


Family is both a blessing and a curse. I have a very supportive family, but they completely blame my ex for what happened. I haven't completely helped - I have said things from places of pain and sadness. My ex has also not helped. She did start the whole thing. A lot of people have a hard time seeing her point-of-view. They're like marriage is tough. If you love someone you work through it. 

My ex and my family (especially my mom and my two sisters) have a very bad relationship right now. It makes me sad. 

Her family has been mostly good to me. Her sister still treats me like a brother-in-law. I am still an uncle to her children. I get invited to their birthday parties and so on. Her parents have been pretty good to me. They're just sad. I think they feel some guilt because they were not more involved in our lives.

One thing I will never forget was sitting in court and watching my dad and her dad sit in the back and silently sob.

I think the loss of family that comes with a divorce is a hard thing to handle. You don't just lose your partner, you lose their family, too. I was very close to her mom and dad. They were like second parents to me...and now we hardly speak.

I feel like they look upon me as the person responsible for their daughter's sadness (at least her dad does) and part of that comes from the spin she has given the story.

There is just nothing good about it. She might feel like she's found happiness by splitting from me, but has she? Only time will tell. Meanwhile, our split has left a trail of sad people in its wake: our children, our parents, our sisters, our friends and so on.

Was it worth it? I don't think so. She does (obviously). I would have done anything to fight through this, but then it was not completely my decision and now I have to go on without her.


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## JohnA

Moving forward requires setting goals and either making them or failing. Either way you set new goals and try again. It's painful, it sucks when you fail, and you live with self-doubt at times 24/7. 

So let's deal with the boyfriend or any future step father. YOUR CHILDREN HAVE ONLY ONE AND WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER FATHER/DAD. Anyone else can be like a mentor, uncle, close family friend but they have one dad. Can you send this in an email to her?


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## Orange_Pekoe

WreckTangle said:


> Good stuff, thank you. I do see a therapist (actually see her in about an hour).
> 
> I agree about needing to feel what I am feeling. I cannot cover it up. I've always been a pretty emotional person. I definitely wear my heart (and my pain) on my sleeve.
> 
> It's just so weird...to find yourself in a situation you never would have thought you'd be in. I thought I had a partner who was as committed to be as I was to her. I never would have considered walking away. Yeah, I saw the rut we had fallen into...and maybe I'm a fool for assuming what we had was strong enough to get through that without any extra effort. I just felt so blindsided when she pulled the plug...and so sad because she never gave me a chance to show her who I could be.
> 
> I know life goes on. It already has. I don't begrudge her any happiness. I don't want her to fail or to be sad.
> 
> I know it will get better as time passes. I just want the pain to be gone. It is a serious ache. I cannot ignore it. She told me the other day that I exude sadness. I probably do. I didn't want this, and I grieve for what was lost...just as one would probably grieve the death of a partner.
> 
> I know what we had is gone. It is over. There was zero chance we would ever recover. I spent all spring and summer trying. I tried until the very last moment.
> 
> I expected she would move on quicker than I would, but maybe not so quickly.
> 
> I just feel even more alone. I have a supportive family. I have a handful of good friends and I have my kids. I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having her around. She likes to cling to how it was when things got bad (basically, she became an angry person and just made life miserable)...while I like to think about the moments where things were good. We had so many more moments where life was good.
> 
> I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm not talking about on the surface or with the big, obvious things. I know what I need to do to move forward and heal...but I don't know what to do in the small moments...the pauses in my day where the sadness really creeps in and hits me hard...or when I wake up in the middle-of-the-night in an empty bed and in an empty house.


Right now is not the time for you to be happy. Right now is the time to suffer - as many of us are (in the midst of losing our families/ending our marriages). But it won't always be this way, please remember that. You will find peace and happiness again. I can only tell you how I deal with things...

If I am at work and a very sad thought comes in to my head related to my divorce, I go to the ladies room and cry. It's totally OK.
If I'm at home alone and wake up in the middle of the night feeling very alone, I turn on soft classical music and deep-breathe and practice mindfulness (focus on the present moment) until the negative feelings go away and I feel sleepy again. For over a year, I'd have nightmares about my in laws. I would wake up in the night with intense anger and hurt. Two things have helped me: time and mindfulness. 

Get a lot of quality rest/sleep. For over a year due to the bad dreams I didn't get proper sleep, and now that I do, I feel much better. Not as angry and not as sad.

Go on walks during the day. A good long walk will give you fresh air and help you feel better...it's great for making you feel peaceful.

You mentioned you don't know what to do with yourself. Who is "you" and who is "yourself" that you don't know what to do with? My point is, you've been so accustomed to being part of a pair (as a couple) that even though you're single, you're split in two. You're not. You're one whole person...start treating yourself like one. You have a lot of guilt and pain in you, which is normal in this situation but don't be consumed by it for long. Be your own best friend...if you wake up in the night and feel alone and depressed, imagine you are your own best friend...what would you say to yourself to comfort you? Learn to be kind to yourself and regard yourself with love and respect...and mostly importantly forgiveness. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you may have made...nobody gets married to get divorced, and you didn't intentionally plan for your dad and her dad to cry in the back row of a court room. Forgive yourself. The point in life is not to avoid challenges, it's to journey through them and grow. You're well on your way there.


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## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Right now is not the time for you to be happy. Right now is the time to suffer - as many of us are (in the midst of losing our families/ending our marriages). But it won't always be this way, please remember that. You will find peace and happiness again. I can only tell you how I deal with things...
> 
> If I am at work and a very sad thought comes in to my head related to my divorce, I go to the ladies room and cry. It's totally OK.
> If I'm at home alone and wake up in the middle of the night feeling very alone, I turn on soft classical music and deep-breathe and practice mindfulness (focus on the present moment) until the negative feelings go away and I feel sleepy again. For over a year, I'd have nightmares about my in laws. I would wake up in the night with intense anger and hurt. Two things have helped me: time and mindfulness.
> 
> Get a lot of quality rest/sleep. For over a year due to the bad dreams I didn't get proper sleep, and now that I do, I feel much better. Not as angry and not as sad.
> 
> Go on walks during the day. A good long walk will give you fresh air and help you feel better...it's great for making you feel peaceful.
> 
> You mentioned you don't know what to do with yourself. Who is "you" and who is "yourself" that you don't know what to do with? My point is, you've been so accustomed to being part of a pair (as a couple) that even though you're single, you're split in two. You're not. You're one whole person...start treating yourself like one. You have a lot of guilt and pain in you, which is normal in this situation but don't be consumed by it for long. Be your own best friend...if you wake up in the night and feel alone and depressed, imagine you are your own best friend...what would you say to yourself to comfort you? Learn to be kind to yourself and regard yourself with love and respect...and mostly importantly forgiveness. Forgive yourself for any mistakes you think you may have made...nobody gets married to get divorced, and you didn't intentionally plan for your dad and her dad to cry in the back row of a court room. Forgive yourself. The point in life is not to avoid challenges, it's to journey through them and grow. You're well on your way there.


Thanks! I really like the last part about being so accustomed to being part of a pair. That really makes sense. I do need to start treating myself as a whole person. It is not doing me any good to continue to define myself by who I was. That reality is no longer there. I need to work at accepting and defining my new reality. I like the idea of forgiving myself for any mistakes I made. I can accept my role, but I never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. I need to remember that.

I hear you on getting a good night's sleep. I, too, practice mindfulness when I wake up and cannot fall back to sleep. I generally do not have a problem falling asleep, I have an issue staying asleep and sometimes when I wake up the feelings of anxiety and fear and anger and so on come crashing in and I cannot get my mind to slow down. My doctor told me that the mind can only think about one thing at a time and that we get to choose what we think about, so I try and focus on something calming...or I talk to myself. I do a lot of self talk. It usually works and I fall back to sleep.

I know I have to stay active when I do not have the kids. That is a hard time for me. I don't have them Wednesday nights, for instance. I worked late last night. When I got home I made dinner. There are times when I simply don't feel like eating, but I always try and make myself eat dinner...even if it is just a salad. I cleaned the house and did other chores so that I didn't have to do them tonight when I have the kids and then I read and went to sleep.

I really hate coming home to an empty house, but it is what it is. I know that 7 out of every 14 nights I will come home to an empty house. I hate it, but I'm accepting it. Just the difference between having the kids and hearing their noise and laughter and so on and then having nothing is rough. I play a lot of music when they're not there.

I don't know. I agree, this is a journey to face, not run from. I know I have some healing to do. You just don't go from a 12-year relationship to being okay like that (which makes me question what she's doing with her new relationship...but that is her decision to make). I need to make sure I'm okay with me before I consider allowing someone else into my life. 

It's just a tiring journey. Yeah, there are times I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. The thing I miss most of all (other than my ex) is simply having peace-of-mind. I feel like I haven't had that in over a year. I feel like my brain has been pulling double-shifts and it is exhausting. It is just constantly going: worry, anxiety, anger, regret and so on. I miss the days when my biggest "worry" was a snow shower in early March or what household project I was going to tackle that weekend. It is now a constant worry about paying bills and being an adequate father and a good employee and thinking about (and missing) the ex and so on. It's like all of the day-to-day "struggles" of life are now squarely in my lap...because they are. I no longer have a partner to divide it up with.

I just hope for better days ahead. I'll keep going. I'll keep moving forward and healing...it just seems like baby steps and I want to move forward in leaps and bounds.


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## WreckTangle

JohnA said:


> Moving forward requires setting goals and either making them or failing. Either way you set new goals and try again. It's painful, it sucks when you fail, and you live with self-doubt at times 24/7.
> 
> So let's deal with the boyfriend or any future step father. YOUR CHILDREN HAVE ONLY ONE AND WILL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER FATHER/DAD. Anyone else can be like a mentor, uncle, close family friend but they have one dad. Can you send this in an email to her?


I could, but I'm not all that worried about that, now. I think she respects that. If it gets to the point where I feel like I am being replaced...I can talk to her about it. I think the fact that we split custody 50/50 helps. They're with me as much as they are with her.

That said...that worry has crossed my mind from time to time. I think it is normal. I worry about someone coming along without the baggage I carry...someone who can wow and dazzle them. It can get me down, but then I remember I'm their dad. I think as long as I keep working on being the best dad I can be, that will be enough for them.

I know they adore me. They love being with me. We have so much fun together.


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## ButtPunch

WT

What you are feeling is natural and will take time to overcome. You sound like you are suffering from some mild depression and with all that you have been thru who wouldn't be. 

As long as the depression isn't hindering your life, ie career, family etc. I would stay away from the anti-depressants. You sound healthy but are clearly mourning the loss of your marriage. 

Things will get better, I promise.


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## JohnA

Forget about fun. How are you shaping them for life? Both by setting objects to teach and by example. 

Allen(?) Bloom wrote a book about educational system "everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten". Read it and reflect what you have and what you need to teach your children. If your kids are in their teens do you as a group participate in community or group activities? 

How are your children being socialized ? Have they been taught it is one thing to be kind, it is another to enable? Have they been taught how to say no?


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## Bananapeel

WreckTangle said:


> I could, but I'm not all that worried about that, now. I think she respects that. If it gets to the point where I feel like I am being replaced...I can talk to her about it. I think the fact that we split custody 50/50 helps. They're with me as much as they are with her.
> 
> That said...that worry has crossed my mind from time to time. I think it is normal. I worry about someone coming along without the baggage I carry...someone who can wow and dazzle them. It can get me down, but then I remember I'm their dad. I think as long as I keep working on being the best dad I can be, that will be enough for them.
> 
> I know they adore me. They love being with me. We have so much fun together.


I'm going to share how I deal with the other men that my kids have been and will be introduced too. I make sure that I am the role model that embodies what a confident leader of my family looks like. My kids see it and there is no question that I am the primary male father figure in their lives, regardless of who their mom is seeing and how much fun they have with him. 


BTW, If you think you can talk with her about it when you feel you are being replaced, you are setting up a bad precedent. You are giving her power to decide what your role is as the father. Instead keep the power and run your life in a way that embodies your role. While this might seem confrontational, it really is just establishing boundaries. I get along with my XWW because I've established boundaries and we are able to do a good job of co-parenting.


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## Orange_Pekoe

WreckTangle said:


> Thanks! I really like the last part about being so accustomed to being part of a pair. That really makes sense. I do need to start treating myself as a whole person. It is not doing me any good to continue to define myself by who I was. That reality is no longer there. I need to work at accepting and defining my new reality. I like the idea of forgiving myself for any mistakes I made. I can accept my role, but I never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. I need to remember that.
> 
> I hear you on getting a good night's sleep. I, too, practice mindfulness when I wake up and cannot fall back to sleep. I generally do not have a problem falling asleep, I have an issue staying asleep and sometimes when I wake up the feelings of anxiety and fear and anger and so on come crashing in and I cannot get my mind to slow down. My doctor told me that the mind can only think about one thing at a time and that we get to choose what we think about, so I try and focus on something calming...or I talk to myself. I do a lot of self talk. It usually works and I fall back to sleep.
> 
> I know I have to stay active when I do not have the kids. That is a hard time for me. I don't have them Wednesday nights, for instance. I worked late last night. When I got home I made dinner. There are times when I simply don't feel like eating, but I always try and make myself eat dinner...even if it is just a salad. I cleaned the house and did other chores so that I didn't have to do them tonight when I have the kids and then I read and went to sleep.
> 
> I really hate coming home to an empty house, but it is what it is. I know that 7 out of every 14 nights I will come home to an empty house. I hate it, but I'm accepting it. Just the difference between having the kids and hearing their noise and laughter and so on and then having nothing is rough. I play a lot of music when they're not there.
> 
> I don't know. I agree, this is a journey to face, not run from. I know I have some healing to do. You just don't go from a 12-year relationship to being okay like that (which makes me question what she's doing with her new relationship...but that is her decision to make). I need to make sure I'm okay with me before I consider allowing someone else into my life.
> 
> It's just a tiring journey. Yeah, there are times I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. The thing I miss most of all (other than my ex) is simply having peace-of-mind. I feel like I haven't had that in over a year. I feel like my brain has been pulling double-shifts and it is exhausting. It is just constantly going: worry, anxiety, anger, regret and so on. I miss the days when my biggest "worry" was a snow shower in early March or what household project I was going to tackle that weekend. It is now a constant worry about paying bills and being an adequate father and a good employee and thinking about (and missing) the ex and so on. It's like all of the day-to-day "struggles" of life are now squarely in my lap...because they are. I no longer have a partner to divide it up with.
> 
> I just hope for better days ahead. I'll keep going. I'll keep moving forward and healing...it just seems like baby steps and I want to move forward in leaps and bounds.


I'm sorry for what you're going through. If it makes you feel any better, I'm in the same boat - what you said about life seeming like a constant worry about paying bills, being a good parent and good employee and ruminating on the pending divorce and everyone who is/was involved, really takes its toll. 

Nobody expects you to get over a 12 year marriage so quickly. Take your time, but don't dwell on it all the time or too much. It's good you try to focus on other things. Over time, you'll feel better.

Just having this conversation affected me...I've been trying not to think about the good times I had with my husband. But I too think a lot about what we lost, and all the potential. But I know that he simply was the way he was, I was trying to change him and he was trying to change me and it made for a really unhappy couple. I just try to have patience and persevere. It's the most any of us can do.

I don't know if this will help you, but sometimes I tell myself: I spent the last 4 years being unhappy and complaining, and now I feel old (even though I know I'm not). I feel worn out. The last thing I want is to spend the next 4 years being unhappy and complaining, and realizing I'm 35 and feeling not an ounce better. It takes me out of my negative thoughts and puts me back in the driver's seat.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe

jb02157 said:


> I've had the same from a family member. It's funny how family members can be the most insensitive and awful of all. They blame me, without knowing my wife at all, for the bad marriage we have.


It's true.
My dad supported me a lot throughout my separation, but he's also got mental health issues and so he's become quite insensitive about what he says at times. Divorce is really looked down upon in my culture and sometimes he freaks out about what people must be saying about us behind our backs...which in turn results in him saying some pretty hurtful stuff to me. Like "I have the worst kids in the world" and "you don't know how to keep dirty laundry out of the public eye" etc. He always feels bad afterwards but it just takes so much out of me... 

That's just an example. My best friend is no longer my best friend. I've learned to stay away from certain close family members because of insensitive things they say. Divorce brings out the worst in people. I can't wait for this phase of my life to be over and a more productive/peaceful/happy one to start...soooooo much!


----------



## WreckTangle

ButtPunch said:


> WT
> 
> What you are feeling is natural and will take time to overcome. You sound like you are suffering from some mild depression and with all that you have been thru who wouldn't be.
> 
> As long as the depression isn't hindering your life, ie career, family etc. I would stay away from the anti-depressants. You sound healthy but are clearly mourning the loss of your marriage.
> 
> Things will get better, I promise.


Yeah, I've not had good experiences with anti-depressants and have stayed away from them so far. I feel that I am healthy, but yes, mourning the loss of my marriage and the person I loved.


----------



## ButtPunch

WreckTangle said:


> Yeah, I've not had good experiences with anti-depressants and have stayed away from them so far. I feel that I am healthy, but yes, mourning the loss of my marriage and the person I loved.


Give it time.....The sadness will pass.

A wise exTAM poster quoted this and it's applicable to your story.

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.


----------



## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through. If it makes you feel any better, I'm in the same boat - what you said about life seeming like a constant worry about paying bills, being a good parent and good employee and ruminating on the pending divorce and everyone who is/was involved, really takes its toll.
> 
> Nobody expects you to get over a 12 year marriage so quickly. Take your time, but don't dwell on it all the time or too much. It's good you try to focus on other things. Over time, you'll feel better.
> 
> Just having this conversation affected me...I've been trying not to think about the good times I had with my husband. But I too think a lot about what we lost, and all the potential. But I know that he simply was the way he was, I was trying to change him and he was trying to change me and it made for a really unhappy couple. I just try to have patience and persevere. It's the most any of us can do.
> 
> I don't know if this will help you, but sometimes I tell myself: I spent the last 4 years being unhappy and complaining, and now I feel old (even though I know I'm not). I feel worn out. The last thing I want is to spend the next 4 years being unhappy and complaining, and realizing I'm 35 and feeling not an ounce better. It takes me out of my negative thoughts and puts me back in the driver's seat.


I know the feeling of feeling old. I just turned 39...but the miles have taken their toll. I've endured having a fiance decide to leave a few months before our marriage (ending a 4-year-relationship) and I've endured the stillbirth of our first child...and now the loss of my marriage. It has been a lot to handle. I think I'm done with life experiences (I hope).

I like what you said about the good times, but realizing you were both unhappy. It's like a loved one dying. We look back at the good times we had with them, but we wouldn't want them back if they were sick and suffering. I know we were sick and suffering at the end. My ex had become a very angry person. She really wasn't fun to be around. She no longer made any attempt to share life with me. She seemed to resent my very existence. I'm still not sure why, maybe I'll never know. I guess I hang onto the good memories and I mourn what was lost. I'll always wonder if we could have gotten back to where we used to be. She hangs onto the bad memories and thinks she made the only choice available.

I don't know. I'm just worn out. This grieving process just keeps dragging on. Does it sound crazy that I think the grieving was easier to get through when we lost our daughter? That was a singular event. It happened and then we moved on...and I had a partner to help me through it. I walk this path by myself.

Sure, I have friends and family who care...but they also have their own lives and they don't know what it was like to suffer this loss. I look at my mom and dad. They have been so supportive, but they're also high school sweethearts who have been married for over 40 years. They don't understand heartbreak. I've had two doses of it.

I really do believe it will get better. I've made it this far. I've gotten through all of the trials life has placed in front of me. I'm not thriving like I once was. I feel bruised and battered and sad and broken...but I keep moving forward.

Anyway, thanks! It really has made me feel better to talk to you guys. I look forward to continuing the conversation!


----------



## WreckTangle

ButtPunch said:


> Give it time.....The sadness will pass.
> 
> A wise exTAM poster quoted this and it's applicable to your story.
> 
> "Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.


That is a great quote!


----------



## philreag

OP you could have and did write my story. You are also showing me my future as I'm 3 months into separation.

I empathize, I understand where you are right now. And many others here do as well.

I come here for insight but also to know I'm not alone with these life problems.

People are here who know more than both of us from experience.

I'm glad they're here for us.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe

ButtPunch said:


> Give it time.....The sadness will pass.
> 
> A wise exTAM poster quoted this and it's applicable to your story.
> 
> "Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.


That's a really good/helpful quote.


----------



## farsidejunky

WreckTangle said:


> I don't want to dislike this guy. From what little I know, he seems like a nice person. He has made an effort to be nice to my kids. That means a lot to me.
> 
> That said, the overall pain is too fresh for me to truly extend my hand. I'm jealous - he has (at least for now) what I had and what it has "killed" me to lose.
> 
> It very well might be a rebound. It did come very close on the heels of our divorce. I know I'm probably not a good candidate for a relationship because I still have a lot of healing to do. She claims she's being careful, but I worry it is a relationship built upon mutual neediness. I know I would probably find myself in something similar if I was out looking.
> 
> This is for her to discover, however. I have to focus on myself and my kids. She will live her life and I'll have to learn to be okay with it. It is really hard. It will continue to be hard.
> 
> I'm okay most of the time. I smile. I'm active socially. I'm taking care of myself. I'm painting again and writing again. I'm finding so much strength in being a dad. I'm thankful I'm not worse off. I can get out of bed in the morning (though, sometimes it is tough).
> 
> I just don't feel complete anymore. I lack peace-of-mind...and I know that can only come with time. I know I will make new memories, but that the old memories are worth keeping.
> 
> Anyway, it is good to be around people who have gone through something similar. It really does help a lot.


If it is a relationship of neediness, you can't save her from her poor choices.

She fired you from that job.

You sound like a perfectly normal, albeit sensitive man. Nothing wrong with that; I am much the same way. 

Allow yourself to grieve. But don't make the mistake of thinking that you can prevent her from making mistakes.


Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Orange_Pekoe

WreckTangle said:


> I know the feeling of feeling old. I just turned 39...but the miles have taken their toll. I've endured having a fiance decide to leave a few months before our marriage (ending a 4-year-relationship) and I've endured the stillbirth of our first child...and now the loss of my marriage. It has been a lot to handle. I think I'm done with life experiences (I hope).
> 
> I like what you said about the good times, but realizing you were both unhappy. It's like a loved one dying. We look back at the good times we had with them, but we wouldn't want them back if they were sick and suffering. I know we were sick and suffering at the end. My ex had become a very angry person. She really wasn't fun to be around. She no longer made any attempt to share life with me. She seemed to resent my very existence. I'm still not sure why, maybe I'll never know. I guess I hang onto the good memories and I mourn what was lost. I'll always wonder if we could have gotten back to where we used to be. She hangs onto the bad memories and thinks she made the only choice available.
> 
> I don't know. I'm just worn out. This grieving process just keeps dragging on. Does it sound crazy that I think the grieving was easier to get through when we lost our daughter? That was a singular event. It happened and then we moved on...and I had a partner to help me through it. I walk this path by myself.
> 
> Sure, I have friends and family who care...but they also have their own lives and they don't know what it was like to suffer this loss. I look at my mom and dad. They have been so supportive, but they're also high school sweethearts who have been married for over 40 years. They don't understand heartbreak. I've had two doses of it.
> 
> I really do believe it will get better. I've made it this far. I've gotten through all of the trials life has placed in front of me. I'm not thriving like I once was. I feel bruised and battered and sad and broken...but I keep moving forward.
> 
> Anyway, thanks! It really has made me feel better to talk to you guys. I look forward to continuing the conversation!


You make a really good point about how your marriage/relationship was sick and suffering. That will help you accept all of this.

Also, you mentioned a few times that you always think of the good times. I used to do that too, it made me suffer more. I started to remind myself of the bad times and that helped me accept that we have gotten to this point and there's no going back. I remember times I don't want to re-live (and don't want my child to have to go through). Kids shouldn't have to watch their parents be upset and angry all the time...it's a toxic atmosphere.

You've been through a lot (I'm sorry about the loss of your first child  ) so give yourself time to adjust. Are you expecting too much of yourself? Maybe you're being hard on yourself...we live in an age where everything is available instantaneously (cell phones, internet, credit cards) and we want the bad stuff to be over quick and the good stuff to come fast. 

And also...I think a lot of people feel isolated in their divorces. People truly don't understand unless they are going through it. Rely less on people, I know I've learned the hard way to rely less on people and put more faith in God and the ultimate shape my life has taken. If you are a religious person, or open to the idea of it, then lean on that. It helps so much!

I wish you all the best and know you'll be OK...we're all in this together, so many people here and so many who aren't.


----------



## farsidejunky

*Re: Moving forward, but struggling to completely &quot;let go&quot;...*



WreckTangle said:


> That is a great quote!


It is why I have it in my signature.

What a shame she is not still around.
Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

What I focused on when ending my 45 year marriage is that before him I was a whole, complete, happy person (although definitely a very young person) and I would be that person again without him. It took some work to find her again but I did. And you will too.


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## BookOfJob

WreckTangle said:


> ........She told me on March 1st of last year and by the third week of March I had the papers in front of me....


Sorry to hear this, WT, I guess all that 12 years is reduced into that 3 weeks? Or is the process actually longer than that as a whole?



WreckTangle said:


> .....I have an issue staying asleep and sometimes when I wake up the feelings of anxiety and fear and anger and so on come crashing in and I cannot get my mind to slow down....
> 
> ...I just hope for better days ahead...


You bet your sweet pants that better days are ahead.

I too had sleeping problem when I went through my hell. I remember thinking if my body can cope with it. I mean, days and days with little sleep. I had never seen it and in the past my body would simply collapse but no, during that time, I kinda survived it. You sound like doing it right, eat dinner when it is dinner time, however little. Basically, try to eat and sleep as regularly as possible.



WreckTangle said:


> My ex had become a very angry person. She really wasn't fun to be around. She no longer made any attempt to share life with me. She seemed to resent my very existence. I'm still not sure why, maybe I'll never know.....


I suppose, this above and the 3 weeks you wrote above just kinda do not compute in my mind. I went through the same hell. This is why, coming from my perspective, that maybe there is something more than meets the eye in your case. I was able to figure out the root cause of the breakdown of the marriage. Pretty soon, all the love turned into anger and I tapped into that energy to move ahead. Like someone wise here said, 'see where you are now and where you want to be, and start the work', I know what I want for me and my kid in the future. It has been a long journey.

Are you absolutely certain there is no external factor?

Right now, you do not have the luxury of the energy that you can tap to move forward. But at least, can you kinda start the debugging process as to how things end up this way? This is the process in which you can benefit immensely. Something, maybe, that is in here? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html



WreckTangle said:


> Yeah, I've not had good experiences with anti-depressants and have stayed away from them so far......


Have you tried jogging? If not, maybe start with evening walks and then jogging (much later when you think you are fit enough)? Remember, you are cold starting your engine and you may take baby steps.

Good luck with the journeys ahead.


----------



## WreckTangle

Bananapeel said:


> I'm going to share how I deal with the other men that my kids have been and will be introduced too. I make sure that I am the role model that embodies what a confident leader of my family looks like. My kids see it and there is no question that I am the primary male father figure in their lives, regardless of who their mom is seeing and how much fun they have with him.
> 
> 
> BTW, If you think you can talk with her about it when you feel you are being replaced, you are setting up a bad precedent. You are giving her power to decide what your role is as the father. Instead keep the power and run your life in a way that embodies your role. While this might seem confrontational, it really is just establishing boundaries. I get along with my XWW because I've established boundaries and we are able to do a good job of co-parenting.


Thanks, good advice on both points. I like the idea of being the one who decides how my kids see me. I don't want to bring it up with her because you're right - it sets a bad precedent. I need to stand up and be the best father I can be.


----------



## WreckTangle

BookOfJob said:


> Sorry to hear this, WT, I guess all that 12 years is reduced into that 3 weeks? Or is the process actually longer than that as a whole?
> 
> 
> 
> You bet your sweet pants that better days are ahead.
> 
> I too had sleeping problem when I went through my hell. I remember thinking if my body can cope with it. I mean, days and days with little sleep. I had never seen it and in the past my body would simply collapse but no, during that time, I kinda survived it. You sound like doing it right, eat dinner when it is dinner time, however little. Basically, try to eat and sleep as regularly as possible.
> 
> 
> 
> I suppose, this above and the 3 weeks you wrote above just kinda do not compute in my mind. I went through the same hell. This is why, coming from my perspective, that maybe there is something more than meets the eye in your case. I was able to figure out the root cause of the breakdown of the marriage. Pretty soon, all the love turned into anger and I tapped into that energy to move ahead. Like someone wise here said, 'see where you are now and where you want to be, and start the work', I know what I want for me and my kid in the future. It has been a long journey.
> 
> Are you absolutely certain there is no external factor?
> 
> Right now, you do not have the luxury of the energy that you can tap to move forward. But at least, can you kinda start the debugging process as to how things end up this way? This is the process in which you can benefit immensely. Something, maybe, that is in here?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html
> 
> 
> 
> Have you tried jogging? If not, maybe start with evening walks and then jogging (much later when you think you are fit enough)? Remember, you are cold starting your engine and you may take baby steps.
> 
> Good luck with the journeys ahead.


You're right, it does not compute...but no, there was no external factor. She felt like she stood on a mountain and expressed her concerns that I wasn't being the partner I needed to be for a long time. She felt like she did everything she could. She felt like she had carried the relationship by herself as long as she could and all of this was making her an angry person. She felt she was yelling at the kids too much and her friends no longer liked her because she was so angry.

I think she also got bad advice. She was seeing (actually still is) a Reiki "healer" who literally told her she was full of "black smoke" and that I (or at least our relationship) was the cause of that black smoke. I think she also got bad advice from friends who went through what she felt were similar experiences.

I just did not hear her like she needed to be heard, I guess, because if I had - there is no way I would have pulled out all of the stops to fix things before she got to the point where she believed it could no longer be fixed.

I think in the end she just truly believed that our relationship had grown toxic and that her only path was to leave. 

I wish she had given me a serious second chance...and I really tried to "find" her again over the spring and summer. We were still living together and there were times where I thought I felt a flicker, but it never turned into anything. She had set her course and was unwilling/unable to turn it around.

That is why, I think, I struggle so hard to let go. I see a good relationship that got hard, but that was worth saving and could have been saved had I been given a chance. It was like she saw the house was on fire, but she let it burn to the point where nobody could put it out. I feel like she maybe nudged me a little bit and said it was burning, but she never told me how bad it was.

Shame on me for maybe not being more aware, but I assumed I had a partner who felt as strongly about me as I did about her.


----------



## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> You make a really good point about how your marriage/relationship was sick and suffering. That will help you accept all of this.
> 
> Also, you mentioned a few times that you always think of the good times. I used to do that too, it made me suffer more. I started to remind myself of the bad times and that helped me accept that we have gotten to this point and there's no going back. I remember times I don't want to re-live (and don't want my child to have to go through). Kids shouldn't have to watch their parents be upset and angry all the time...it's a toxic atmosphere.
> 
> You've been through a lot (I'm sorry about the loss of your first child  ) so give yourself time to adjust. Are you expecting too much of yourself? Maybe you're being hard on yourself...we live in an age where everything is available instantaneously (cell phones, internet, credit cards) and we want the bad stuff to be over quick and the good stuff to come fast.
> 
> And also...I think a lot of people feel isolated in their divorces. People truly don't understand unless they are going through it. Rely less on people, I know I've learned the hard way to rely less on people and put more faith in God and the ultimate shape my life has taken. If you are a religious person, or open to the idea of it, then lean on that. It helps so much!
> 
> I wish you all the best and know you'll be OK...we're all in this together, so many people here and so many who aren't.


I do have a pretty solid relationship with God, and that has gotten me through many rough times.

I agree about the kids. My ex really did become a mean, angry person. She became a person who was constantly yelling at me and the kids. It would not take much to set her off. She really did grow to resent me. Here is a perfect example. In 2008, I started to play baseball again after years of not playing. She encouraged me to do it. She went to all of my games. She made an effort to get to know my teammates, but as the years went on...she made less and less of an effort. She stopped going. She stopped even asking. It got to the point where she openly resented me playing. I felt nervous about telling her I had a game. I know that is not healthy. I know that was a bad environment for the kids. As much as I hate to admit it, I guess it is probably better that they see us as functioning co-parents who are friendly with one another. I still sense some anger and resentment, but I meet it with compassion and kindness. For the most part, we get along okay. We can share the same space and it is okay. We collaborate on decisions involving the kids. It's not perfect, obviously, but it could be worse. They have two functioning parents who love them deeply...and that is more than a lot of kids have.


----------



## WreckTangle

A "rough" weekend. My ex-wife works on Saturdays so she always drops the kids off on her weekends (every other Saturday) so I can watch them during the day. The first thing my son says to me as I am unbuckling him from the car is that the "boys" were spending a couple of nights with them. This meant that her new guy and his two boys had stayed over on Friday night and were also staying over Saturday. There is moving fast, and then there is moving super fast. I know it is none of my business (except where it concerns the kids), but it was still a gut punch. I just played it cool and went inside with them and had the best day I could.

My son had a friend's birthday party to go to Saturday afternoon. I dropped my daughter of with me ex and then took him to the party, but before I went we discussed dropping him off later and she was like do you want me to come and get him or do you want to drop him off. She said it all depended on my "comfort level". Really? I ended up dropping him off, but texting her so she could come downstairs and meet us at the door. What was really hard was that I could hear the sounds of "family" coming from her condo and I had to drop my son off and return to my empty house.

She volunteered so much info the last time we spoke on Tuesday. She was taking it slow. She was learning. She was being careful with how the kids were being introduced. She mentioned he and his boys had been over for dinner on Monday and that they might get together over the weekend. Seriously, they have not been together very long (a month...maybe two) and then I have to get hit with the fact that they were all shacking up at her place this weekend? With my kids?

I know it is none of my business with what she does with her personal life, but it bothers me that my kids are involved. The guy doesn't seem like a bad guy, but I don't know him. 

It was just a lot to process very quickly in the span of one week...from the fact that she was seeing someone to the fact that he and his kids are already spending entire weekends staying at her condo. 

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I actually felt awkward being around my kids. I know it was all in my head, but I somehow felt like a stranger...like they had this new "family unit" and I was suddenly an outsider. I know that is crazy, but it is how I felt. They kept talking about how excited they were to go and hang out with the boys again and so on. They used to hate leaving my house to spend time with her, but now they were excited about it.

It's just so messed up. The other thing that gets me is that no matter what - I always called the kids to ask them about their day and to say good night when I did not have them. She stopped doing that early on. I'm not sure why. This past week, when I asked to call them on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday...I got a text back saying that they were busy playing and did not want to talk. Totally out of character for them. It was because her new guy and his kids were over. 

I just hate this. I feel so alone. I feel like my kids are being slowly pulled away from me. My daughter was sick this past weekend and I was not allowed to call her on Friday and check on her, but some stranger was able to spend the freakin' night there with her? Really?

I know I just have to keep being the best dad I can be. I know I cannot let the kids see how bothered I am or how sad I am or how hurt I am. I have to swallow that down when I'm around them. I know I also have to let as much of it go as I can. I can't worry about her (I can only worry about my kids and myself). 

I just feel so lost. Heck, I didn't get out of bed until 11 yesterday. I help teach Sunday school, but I begged off. I knew she would not bring the kids and it broke my heart to think about going when they would not be there. Two weeks ago, my son did not want to go, so she let him stay home, but my daughter did - I just had to go and pick her up. Yesterday, I knew she was in the middle of her rushed, bizarre new domestic situation and that the kids would definitely not be going. 

I wish I could let go and not feel bad about this, but I can't. It is so hard.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe

Letting go is super hard. But with time you will cope better.

1. Right now she's in a new relationship. One day YOU will be.
2. It sounds to me like the kids enjoy spending time with the other guy's KIDS, not him per se. They're young and want other kids to play with. 
3. You always have been and always will be their dad, nothing will change that unless you stop being supportive and loving of them (and we know you won't stop).


----------



## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Letting go is super hard. But with time you will cope better.
> 
> 1. Right now she's in a new relationship. One day YOU will be.
> 2. It sounds to me like the kids enjoy spending time with the other guy's KIDS, not him per se. They're young and want other kids to play with.
> 3. You always have been and always will be their dad, nothing will change that unless you stop being supportive and loving of them (and we know you won't stop).


All good points. Thank you for the reminders.


----------



## TAMAT

WreckTangle,

I put the probability your WW did not divorce you because of this OM very low. 

Your kids need to know that this new guy has destroyed their family and is a home wrecker, he is not their new dad.

You need to find out everything you can about OM. What was your WWs relationship with him, is he a boss or coworker.

Is there anything you can do legally to prevent your children from having contact with OM or his children. 

This started before your marriage ended. OM will be forever an enemy. 

They aren't living together in your old house are they?

Tamat


----------



## WreckTangle

TAMAT said:


> WreckTangle,
> 
> I put the probability your WW did not divorce you because of this OM very low.
> 
> Your kids need to know that this new guy has destroyed their family and is a home wrecker, he is not their new dad.
> 
> You need to find out everything you can about OM. What was your WWs relationship with him, is he a boss or coworker.
> 
> Is there anything you can do legally to prevent your children from having contact with OM or his children.
> 
> This started before your marriage ended. OM will be forever an enemy.
> 
> They aren't living together in your old house are they?
> 
> Tamat


Honestly, no, she did not meet this guy until recently. The reasons behind our split were complex and weird...but there was no other guy. It's been enough time that she is in her right to move on...just doesn't make it any easier on me. Just makes me sad.

I'll meet him eventually. Just has to be on neutral ground...and I need to feel a little stronger. He really did not break up my marriage. I don't want to have any ill will towards him until I actually meet him.

Also, I don't mind that my kids have contact with his kids (or even him). Sounds like he isn't coming from the best of times, either: single dad, a couple of small kids...think he might be unemployed and they are living in his mom's basement. My kid's seem to genuinely like playing with his kids. I can be okay with that.

That said, it seems like a relationship built upon mutual neediness. That is what I want to avoid. This is actually the second person she has seen since we got divorced. I worry that she is rushing into something...but that is her problem.

...and no...they are not living together at all. I think he and his kids stayed over. I find it bizarre, but it is at her new condo. I'm at old house. The one little boy told my son (they're both in the 5-6 year range) that he liked sleeping over in my son's room because it was better than sleeping in the basement.

I don't know what the guy's story is. Like I said, whole thing seems to be built upon some mutual neediness...two wounded people coming together. 

What kills me is that she says she can see the inherent fault in our relationship was that we came together having both just gone through bad breakups...and what does she do? She waits about a year before getting involved with someone again. I, personally, think you need more time than that to "heal" from a 12-year relationship that included 9-years of marriage, 3 kids (including the loss of one child) and many, many memories.

I really do want her to be happy. I guess I feel bad because I'm not further along the healing process. There is some jealousy: she has someone, but I don't. I still don't know what to make of the situation. It doesn't hurt like I thought it would, but I cannot quite let it go like I hoped I would be able to. I knew this day would come - when she started dating again, but I just put off thinking about it because I thought I had more time. I thought she'd spend more time finding herself and taking care of our kids...but again...everyone has to do what they feel is right. If she feels this is right, I won't stand in her way.


----------



## jld

Your sincerity and vulnerability are very moving, WreckTangle. Thank you for sharing your heart so openly here.


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## Orange_Pekoe

I think part of the reason it's still so painful for you, is because you are focused more on what she is doing and the decisions she's been making, rather than focusing on your own.


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## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I think part of the reason it's still so painful for you, is because you are focused more on what she is doing and the decisions she's been making, rather than focusing on your own.


I would agree with that. I think I can admit I am too focused on what she is doing. The question then becomes why. I will say that I have been pretty good about staying focused on myself, but it is way too easy to get thrown off my game.

I think the main reason I am focused on what she is doing is because deep down I still care for her. I haven't gotten her out of my system. I think it is tougher for the person who was left than the person who decided to leave. I thought I had a partner who loved me as deeply as I loved her and who was as committed to me as I was to her. It was a shock to find out that was not the case, but it became my reality and I have accepted that as best as I can - but the feelings are harder to shut off. I continued to love her long after she told me she wanted out. I continued to hold onto that little flicker of hope that we would figure it out and yeah, there were days where it seemed so close.

All this said, I've long accepted (at least consciously) that we're over. We are not going to get back together, but I think there is a sub-conscious part that was holding out hope. It was thinking as long as she's still single...maybe she is also still grieving the loss of our relationship and maybe she is still conflicted and as sad as I am.

To take that further, I think it bothers me because I felt like there was at least one person who knew what I was going through. We were going through it separately, but we were both sad and hurting and it threw me off to find out that she was further along the process of letting go than I was. It made me feel that much more alone.

It hurt because it felt like the last little thread connecting our old lives together was cut. I know that thread was an illusion, but I held onto it. We were separate, but together...if that makes any sense. When I found out she had someone, she was no longer separate. She had someone.

There is also some jealousy involved. Like I just said, she has someone, I don't. I'm not actively looking, but I am still mindful of this fact. I know I am not ready to get involved with anyone. I know I need to take the time to work through all of my baggage - a lot of it written in this post.

I know I should not care about what she does. It is her life. We are divorced. She has every right to make a new life. I completely expected her to find someone - maybe not this quickly - but I did. I don't begrudge her for doing what she's doing. I think she's moving too quick and it bothers me that my kids are included. I'd much rather she build a relationship during the time she's away from the kids and then introduce them once it is more established...but I cannot control that.

I can feel it becoming less and less of an issue. I am worrying less about what she is doing and thinking more about what I am doing, but the thoughts never quite leave my mind - especially when she has the kids.

I know this is something I have to get over, but it is really hard.


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## Orange_Pekoe

No one expects it to be easy, and no one expects you to get over it quickly. 
Maybe part of you will ALWAYS love her, and care for her. It doesn't mean that you won't be able to get on with the rest of your life...you will in time...but it's OK to admit to yourself that you care a lot about her and probably always will.

Also, jealousy is to be expected. For an ex-spouse to be in a new relationship is usually painful for the other ex-spouse.
I think it's premature to think that she's all healed etc. because she's in a new relationship. Maybe she just needs someone so she won't feel alone and scared.

But try to eventually put it aside, what she's feeling/thinking/doing. Which is insanely difficult at times when children are involved...I have a toddler and when she's visiting her dad, I have to keep my ego and fears in check constantly. He lives with his mom and adult siblings/brother's wife and kids, and my mind often wanders into the "I hate them so much, they ruined my marriage" territory...I feel marginalized too...it's hard emotionally/psychologically but we can do it.


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## WreckTangle

Orange_Pekoe said:


> No one expects it to be easy, and no one expects you to get over it quickly.
> Maybe part of you will ALWAYS love her, and care for her. It doesn't mean that you won't be able to get on with the rest of your life...you will in time...but it's OK to admit to yourself that you care a lot about her and probably always will.
> 
> Also, jealousy is to be expected. For an ex-spouse to be in a new relationship is usually painful for the other ex-spouse.
> I think it's premature to think that she's all healed etc. because she's in a new relationship. Maybe she just needs someone so she won't feel alone and scared.
> 
> But try to eventually put it aside, what she's feeling/thinking/doing. Which is insanely difficult at times when children are involved...I have a toddler and when she's visiting her dad, I have to keep my ego and fears in check constantly. He lives with his mom and adult siblings/brother's wife and kids, and my mind often wanders into the "I hate them so much, they ruined my marriage" territory...I feel marginalized too...it's hard emotionally/psychologically but we can do it.


I think part of me will always love her. I love deeply and I give myself fully. That makes it hard to ever truly let someone go. We were together 12 years. That is a lot of memories. I don't have to look very far to see something that reminds me of a memory. My house is full of them. My neighborhood. Our town. I'm reminded of tons of memories just by seeing our kids. I don't want to forget those memories. I don't want to act like something has ruined the images...like acid was poured on the negatives. They were good times. They made me who I am today.

I just need to get to the point where I've made enough new memories that the old ones don't seem so priceless...not that they will lose their meaning...but I feel like I don't have enough new memories to keep me afloat, yet.

I really do hope for the best for her. I really think she rushed into this. It sounds like a relationship built upon mutual neediness: two sad hearts finding one another. If that works for them, great...I don't see that working for me. I think if I pursued something like that it would be doomed to fail. I think I need to be healed and strong, but that is me.

I know it would be easier if I could get complete separation, but that is not going to happen and I wouldn't trade my kids for that separation. They mean the world to me (obviously). I don't so much worry about them when she has them, but I miss them so much. I just want them around all of the time. I know I just have to make the best of the time I do have, but I also know I'm missing so much.

The whole thing is just sad. It should never have come to this, but it did.

I get them tonight and I can't wait. I'm tired and emotionally fried...but I will reach deep and we will have a great night.


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## TAMAT

WreckTangle,

Another factor is simply time, it's often claimed that it takes about 2 years minimum to recover from an affair. I suspect divorce would have to be similar since it is also a betrayal of vows. You have only been divorced for 6 months. 

It may be a bitter matter if your W and you had a sexless marriage for some time before the divorce, and then she takes up with other men once divorced.

That she recovered so fast suggests she had mentally divorces for awhile before the actual event.

Tamat


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## WreckTangle

TAMAT said:


> WreckTangle,
> 
> Another factor is simply time, it's often claimed that it takes about 2 years minimum to recover from an affair. I suspect divorce would have to be similar since it is also a betrayal of vows. You have only been divorced for 6 months.
> 
> It may be a bitter matter if your W and you had a sexless marriage for some time before the divorce, and then she takes up with other men once divorced.
> 
> That she recovered so fast suggests she had mentally divorces for awhile before the actual event.
> 
> Tamat


I would agree with you on that. I think she was "mentally" divorced for longer than I was. She was the one who had to get "upset" enough to make the decision to end our marriage...so she had a lot longer to pull away than I did. Like I said, I would have taken it to my grave that I had a partner who was as committed to be as I was to her.

You're right about the sexless marriage part, too. We were not very intimate over the year leading up to our divorce. There were a lot of factors: kids, work, and so on. I think a lot had to do with her changing. It started to feel awkward. I don't know, maybe you could call it a "rut" or whatever...but yeah, the spark wasn't gone - but it was dimmed.

I hate to think it takes a minimum of 2-years...but I'm beginning to suspect that is correct. It is taking a lot to get her out of my system. I miss her a lot. I miss what we had. I wish she would have truly given me a chance to fix it. I just still feel her running through my veins and I don't know how to let go of that feeling. I want to let it go, but I don't...if that makes any sense.


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## WreckTangle

I did have a nice night with the kids last night. The weather was warm. We chased around the local playground for 90-minutes and then I took them to dinner at a local restaurant - which is something we have not done in months. Actually, I don't think I've gone to a restaurant with them by myself since the divorce. We then came home and had a nice time just relaxing before bed. I felt good and confident.

It is the mornings that give me the most trouble. I have a hard time walking my son to school when I know I won't be seeing him afterwards. I know it will only be a day until I see him again...but it seems like an eternity.

Then the wife sends me a text: "I will be home in 5" meaning she spent night with her new guy. She can do what she wants, but it is little reminders like that which really sting. They're like little daggers going in. I don't need to know that. She knows what time I drop our daughter off. Just get home before that and don't bring it up. It doesn't help me heal to know those details. It's like she goes out of her way to drop in little "zingers" about her new relationship. I'd go as far as to say the more I don't mention it or the more I act like I don't care...the more the little details are dropped. I don't need to know she spent the night at his house (with his kids)...which is odd in itself. I don't need to know that they were over for dinner or whatever. My mind is overactive as it is.

Anyway, I'm going to fight to not let it ruin my day. I'm going to try and stay positive.


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## philreag

Sorry WT, I do understand as your story and feelings are so similar to mine.

I'm just a few months into separation but basically sexless for a couple years after the second EA by the STBXW.

Thanks for writing this out so well.

We will survive and be the better for it.


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## WreckTangle

philreag said:


> Sorry WT, I do understand as your story and feelings are so similar to mine.
> 
> I'm just a few months into separation but basically sexless for a couple years after the second EA by the STBXW.
> 
> Thanks for writing this out so well.
> 
> We will survive and be the better for it.


Glad I can help. Just a tough time to get through...but you are right...we will survive and be the better for it.


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## Bananapeel

WreckTangle said:


> I did have a nice night with the kids last night. The weather was warm. We chased around the local playground for 90-minutes and then I took them to dinner at a local restaurant - which is something we have not done in months. Actually, I don't think I've gone to a restaurant with them by myself since the divorce. We then came home and had a nice time just relaxing before bed. I felt good and confident.
> 
> It is the mornings that give me the most trouble. I have a hard time walking my son to school when I know I won't be seeing him afterwards. I know it will only be a day until I see him again...but it seems like an eternity.
> 
> Then the wife sends me a text: "I will be home in 5" meaning she spent night with her new guy. She can do what she wants, but it is little reminders like that which really sting. They're like little daggers going in. I don't need to know that. She knows what time I drop our daughter off. Just get home before that and don't bring it up. It doesn't help me heal to know those details. It's like she goes out of her way to drop in little "zingers" about her new relationship. I'd go as far as to say the more I don't mention it or the more I act like I don't care...the more the little details are dropped. I don't need to know she spent the night at his house (with his kids)...which is odd in itself. I don't need to know that they were over for dinner or whatever. My mind is overactive as it is.
> 
> Anyway, I'm going to fight to not let it ruin my day. I'm going to try and stay positive.


I can imagine how hard it is for you. One thing that might help is to try to take a little more control of your life and your interaction with your XW. Maybe start by removing the little reminders of her from your house. It helped me a lot when I boxed up and cleared out my XWW's stuff and things that reminded me of our time together. Another suggestion is when she sends those little texts, just send one back saying that she only needs to text you if she is going to be late, otherwise you don't need schedule updates. Basically, try to set up boundaries of what she can contact you about.


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## Chuck71

WT...... What are you doing for you? To recover, learn, grow?

Have you read DeMello before? Very spiritual essay.

http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


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## BlueWoman

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Right now is not the time for you to be happy. Right now is the time to suffer.


This! So true!

You can't rush the grieving process. You have to go through every ugly moment of it. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## WreckTangle

Bananapeel said:


> I can imagine how hard it is for you. One thing that might help is to try to take a little more control of your life and your interaction with your XW. Maybe start by removing the little reminders of her from your house. It helped me a lot when I boxed up and cleared out my XWW's stuff and things that reminded me of our time together. Another suggestion is when she sends those little texts, just send one back saying that she only needs to text you if she is going to be late, otherwise you don't need schedule updates. Basically, try to set up boundaries of what she can contact you about.


I've started to do that. It seems like there are fewer and fewer reminders around all the time. I've definitely removed just about everything that belonged to her (and that she did not take) and I've tried to minimize anything that reminded me of our time together. It is basically down to things involving the kids. It does help...but there are so many reminders. I teach Sunday school, for instance. Class is at 9 and church is at 10:30 and she would always come after the kids and I...and I'd always look up around 10:10 and she'd be peering through the window of the classroom. I still catch myself looking for her. I guess those things will fade with time - the objects and places and actions won't hold such strong feelings.

In regards to the other thing, if it continues - I will definitely talk to her about it. She keeps talking about hoping that I can heal, too, but then she flaunts the fact that she's staying over at her new guy's house (or that he and his kids are staying with her). I don't know why she does it, but I don't want to know.


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## WreckTangle

Chuck71 said:


> WT...... What are you doing for you? To recover, learn, grow?
> 
> Have you read DeMello before? Very spiritual essay.
> 
> http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


I am going to read the essay!

I'm definitely taking care of myself. I see a therapist. I do a lot of introspection. I'm painting again. I'm writing again. I'm going out with friends on the weekends I don't have the kids. 

I'm allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling. I'm forcing myself to not hide from it and I'm trying to be honest with myself about why I feel each emotion.

I'm just really trying to heal. I need to be there for myself, but more importantly for my kids.


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## Bananapeel

WreckTangle said:


> In regards to the other thing, if it continues - I will definitely talk to her about it. She keeps talking about hoping that I can heal, too, but then she flaunts the fact that she's staying over at her new guy's house (or that he and his kids are staying with her). I don't know why she does it, but I don't want to know.


I'm 6 months post-divorce too, and my XWW also has a new boyfriend. She finally told me that she was in a relationship this week (I'd known for months from the kids) and said that she was worried it would be difficult on me. I told her that my only concern was whether he was good to the kids and not a pedophile, and other than that I didn't care who she was seeing or what their relationship status was. The truth is I really don't care at all. I don't feel happy, jealous, or angry about any of it since it makes no difference to me. You'll get there too in your own time. But until then setting up boundaries about what she can talk with you about will ease the transition. Don't allow her to be involved in how you are feeling or how you are healing, because it is just another tie that she has to you. You need to cut those ties to reach the point that her actions cease to matter to you. Lean on your friends and family to discuss those things and absolutely don't involve her in them. 

The way I handled setting up boundaries with my XWW was to either just not engage in conversations (e.g. give a one word answer or ignore her when she talked about subjects I didn't want to engage in) or tell her directly that I wasn't comfortable discussing that topic with her. Both worked quite well and I think we get along far better than most divorced couples because of it. I also made sure that I don't bring up anything with her that is not directly related to the kids, because I didn't want to send her the mixed message that it was OK to discuss non-essential topics with me.


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## Chuck71

WreckTangle said:


> I am going to read the essay!
> 
> I'm definitely taking care of myself. I see a therapist. I do a lot of introspection. I'm painting again. I'm writing again. I'm going out with friends on the weekends I don't have the kids.
> 
> I'm allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling. I'm forcing myself to not hide from it and I'm trying to be honest with myself about why I feel each emotion.
> 
> I'm just really trying to heal. I need to be there for myself, but more importantly for my kids.


You're going to have watershed moments. They usually come out of nowhere. We had no kids (thank God in hindsight)

but I raised her son from seven to adult. He was a great kid.... mimicked all my weird quirks. I am a writer too,

so yes, I have odd-arse quirks. In November '12 I was devastated, stomach tied in knots, couldn't eat....

I dropped down the rabbit hole but came out boundaries. At this point, everything began to shift (December).

January '13 was reaches from her but.... nothing about her doing the heavy lifting. I placed her in a 

situation where her actions would be A-for me to leave the door open or B-to slam the door and toss the key.

Her actions were B. After the D final she was moving her stuff out and doing the dog swap (her apartment allowed 

only two at a time, she had AAD). Mid-February... three months after the bomb dropped.

She had bumps all over her mouth, face.... nerves her Dr said. I no longer saw her, I saw through her.

You will reach that point. You will not realize it until afterwards.

If your sin from the M was complacency..... then you weren't alone


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## WreckTangle

Bananapeel said:


> I'm 6 months post-divorce too, and my XWW also has a new boyfriend. She finally told me that she was in a relationship this week (I'd known for months from the kids) and said that she was worried it would be difficult on me. I told her that my only concern was whether he was good to the kids and not a pedophile, and other than that I didn't care who she was seeing or what their relationship status was. The truth is I really don't care at all. I don't feel happy, jealous, or angry about any of it since it makes no difference to me. You'll get there too in your own time. But until then setting up boundaries about what she can talk with you about will ease the transition. Don't allow her to be involved in how you are feeling or how you are healing, because it is just another tie that she has to you. You need to cut those ties to reach the point that her actions cease to matter to you. Lean on your friends and family to discuss those things and absolutely don't involve her in them.
> 
> The way I handled setting up boundaries with my XWW was to either just not engage in conversations (e.g. give a one word answer or ignore her when she talked about subjects I didn't want to engage in) or tell her directly that I wasn't comfortable discussing that topic with her. Both worked quite well and I think we get along far better than most divorced couples because of it. I also made sure that I don't bring up anything with her that is not directly related to the kids, because I didn't want to send her the mixed message that it was OK to discuss non-essential topics with me.


It sounds like we're in the same boat. I suspected she had someone, though it is a pretty new relationship and then I picked up on a few things from the kids. She finally brought it up and I also was told she hadn't wanted to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me.

I really don't know how I feel. I told her I'm happy for her. I agree with you. As long as he is good to the kids I'm okay with it. I will meet him when I am ready. I'm not ready, yet.

I do think we need to set up some boundaries. I've been working on it. I keep our conversations strictly related to the kids and when she brings something up that is outside of that I act like it doesn't bother me and that I didn't really hear it. The thing we need to work on is to avoid the unsaid things - like not being home when I get there to drop off our daughter. That is a bit tacky.

We really do get along pretty well. I'm lucky in that regard. I'm probably far too considerate towards her, but it is who I am. She goes through periods where she treats me well and periods where she is kind of cold and unfriendly. I still think she is wrestling with her own demons.

Anyway, good to know there is someone out there going through a very similar deal.


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## ButtPunch

I got a feeling given the proper amount of time things for you will turn out just fine.


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## WreckTangle

ButtPunch said:


> I got a feeling given the proper amount of time things for you will turn out just fine.


I need a shot of optimism today so I'm taking these words and running with them!!


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## WreckTangle

Just checking in after another weekend. I had the kids this weekend. It is amazing how quickly the time passes. On my weekends, I pick them up from school on Thursday and then I have them until I drop them off at school (or in my daughter's case, at her mother's condo) on Monday morning. It was a good weekend. We had a lot of fun and a lot of quality time. It just seems like we have all the time in the world when I pick them up on Thursday, but then it is Sunday afternoon before I know it and I can hear the clock ticking town. It is tough. I've found the weekend does not pass in large chunks of time, but it passes in a lot of small moments that simply add up. Even on Saturday, it still seems like we have so much time. I really struggle as Sunday winds down. It all becomes even more precious. 

I did okay. I felt like my sad moods were more rare than my happy moods. It's not like I am unhappy. I'm happy most of the time, but I feel like a heavy black coat has kind of been draped over everything. I feel happy, but the happiness is not as vivid as it used to be. I can feel happy, but it is muted. Also, when the sadness hits...that is amplified. I know it is a process. I know I will get through it. 

The toughest part of my day was dropping my daughter off. The last couple of mornings their mother was not home. She had spent the night with her new guy. I know she's well within her rights to move on, but it hurts to have it almost flaunted in my face. She knows what time I drop her off. All I wish is that she'd simply be home at that time. Nothing needs to be said about anything. I just want to drop her off and keep the talk to a minimum. I want it only to be about things that relate to the kids. Luckily, that is how it went this morning. She was home. I dropped our daughter off. She was a little crabby with me. She likes to find small details to criticize me. For instance, I mentioned that our daughter was a little extra tired because of the time change and her response was, "well, you should have gotten her into bed earlier." I also forgot my son's water bottle this morning. He had taken it out in the car after school on Friday and all this morning I kept think I need to get his water bottle and I forgot. She got got on me for not sending it along. "What is he supposed to drink for lunch?" and "You need to have juice boxes at home" and so on. I even volunteered to run back to school with it. She handed me a juice box and said, "He isn't even supposed to have these in school," and I would have taken it to him. It was my fault. I did forget. She then asked me if I had time to drop it off (I didn't) and then she volunteered to do it. She had actually been better with her need to criticize over the past couple of weeks and her demeanor was almost cheerful...but I guess she woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. I just didn't react. I did not meet her crabbiness with crabbiness of my own. I just kept smiling.

Anyway, there is always a letdown when my weekend is over. It truly bums me out. She is taking them to Florida the day before Easter to spend the week with her mom and dad. I've been dreading that for months. For a lot of reasons, really. I remember how it was last year when we went as a family. I miss her family. I'm sad that I won't see the kids for a week. We talked about it on Friday (she called me) and suggested that maybe I could take the kids a couple of extra days this weekend (it would be her weekend). I think I'll take her up on it. Maybe I could keep them Friday and Saturday and she could then pick them up Sunday morning and have them Sunday and Monday.

It's all become so complicated. Man, I could use a week in Florida. I am beyond burned out. I am just tired all of the time. I'm eating well. I'm exercising and taking care of myself...but I always feel worn out and stressed out and burned out.


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## Marduk

If she's being critical like that, then life for her is likely not so hot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WreckTangle

marduk said:


> If she's being critical like that, then life for her is likely not so hot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kind of my thoughts, too. The constant criticism started before we even called it quits. It got really bad when she first moved out. I felt like I could never do anything right. She would harp on me for the smallest infraction, yet, she'd go and do the same things and I would never criticize her. It was okay for her to get snippy about me having the kids up too late, but then she'd go and do the same. It really bothered me for awhile, but then I learned to let it go. I realized she was just projecting her own parenting insecurities onto me and that I couldn't let her erode my confidence as a parent (it still does, sometimes).

She had been better over the past couple of weeks. The general crabbiness wasn't there. The harping and scolding was muted. It was kind of back today. It's like she feels the need to get jabs in wherever she can.

I really am a good dad. I'm responsible. I love my kids to death. I think I give them just the right amount of discipline. They are well behaved and polite. Do I let them stay up a little too late sometimes? Sure. Should I sometimes be a little more authoritarian? Probably. 

I just have to remember it's probably not about me and it is probably all about her. It is about her insecurities and her issues. It is really hard sometimes, but I have to keep telling myself that I'm a good parent...and at the end of the day...unless the kids are being harmed in some manner...it really isn't her business what happens when they're by me.

I've never hidden anything. I consider my time with the kids as an open book, but if she's going to criticize and whatever...then she needs to get her nose out of it.

Really, she was just in a poor mood this morning. Not friendly at all. Not unfriendly, but cold and sour and frowning. It would just be nice if she could pull herself together for the five minutes we have to interact and treat me decently.


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## hope4family

WT, 

Sending good vibes your way. The road is long, and brutal. I have nothing but empathy for you and your course. Depression in this circumstance is OK and even normal. Go through it, I am glad you admit your loneliness. Denial is an even more evil companion then depression. Feel, work on you, and one day you will be the better person you should be. 

I admit, that doesn't mean you'll find love again. There is always a good chance of it though. One day at a time, one foot after another.


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## WreckTangle

hope4family said:


> WT,
> 
> Sending good vibes your way. The road is long, and brutal. I have nothing but empathy for you and your course. Depression in this circumstance is OK and even normal. Go through it, I am glad you admit your loneliness. Denial is an even more evil companion then depression. Feel, work on you, and one day you will be the better person you should be.
> 
> I admit, that doesn't mean you'll find love again. There is always a good chance of it though. One day at a time, one foot after another.


Thanks! I always appreciate the good vibes. It is such a lonely thing to go through - to suddenly go from having someone to not having someone. I'm lucky - I have good friends and good family and two awesome little kids who adore me. I know I'm not truly alone. I do miss having someone to come home to...someone to fall asleep next to and so on. I just have to stay true to myself and hope that if I can come out of this okay and that if I can truly heal that I will find someone else again.


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## WreckTangle

She's back to being a cold, unfriendly you-know-what. I don't know what her issue is...but she can go from being a pretty decent person to being an absolute beast. She calls this morning (she had the kids last night) and was upset because I did not send gloves to school with my son yesterday - and he didn't have any in his backpack. They are in my car. My fault, but it wasn't that cold yesterday or today. She read me the riot act about being responsible and about how she told me this and about how she told me that and on and on and on and about how it is my responsibility to replace his mittens if they are lost (which I will do). She then transitioned from that to how I need to make sure I'm combing our daughter's hair in the morning and how it isn't a choice - I just have to do it or she's not going to have any hair left (what?) and on and on. She speaks in this clipped, cold, tone like she's talking to a small child. It is how she acted before we split - when she was an "angry" person "who nobody wanted to spend time with" and so on. Back then, I reacted in not the best way. I'm not one to be bullied (and she bullies me). I held my ground and that just made things worse. I have since learned the best way to react is simply to not react. Listen, but not get snippy in return. I got a little snippy today. I eventually held my tongue...but then she launches into her "I'm not yelling at you" excuse...but really, she is. She is scolding and trying to tell me how to parent and criticizing everything she possibly can criticize.

...all this from someone who was telling me two weeks ago how "happy" she is and that she's at such a great place in her life and so on. I don't know if she is having issues with her new relationship or whatever...but come on, leave me out of it. All I ask is to be treated with a little respect and a little kindness. I don't ask (or expect much else).

She was actually improved for a couple of weeks. She seemed happier and she wasn't so critical...but now she's kind of back to being not just a very nice person. Ugh!?!


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## Absurdist

marduk said:


> If she's being critical like that, then life for her is likely not so hot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


WT read this ^^^^^^ and then....

read it again.... and again.

She's finding that the green grass she believed she saw has a lot of weeds and crabgrass. It's not at all what she expected.

When she starts off on a tirade about minutia simply end the conversation and tell her you'll be glad to talk with her later when she wants to discuss things like an adult. Then leave or hang up.


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## Marduk

WreckTangle said:


> She's back to being a cold, unfriendly you-know-what. I don't know what her issue is...but she can go from being a pretty decent person to being an absolute beast. She calls this morning (she had the kids last night) and was upset because I did not send gloves to school with my son yesterday - and he didn't have any in his backpack. They are in my car. My fault, but it wasn't that cold yesterday or today. She read me the riot act about being responsible and about how she told me this and about how she told me that and on and on and on and about how it is my responsibility to replace his mittens if they are lost (which I will do). She then transitioned from that to how I need to make sure I'm combing our daughter's hair in the morning and how it isn't a choice - I just have to do it or she's not going to have any hair left (what?) and on and on. She speaks in this clipped, cold, tone like she's talking to a small child. It is how she acted before we split - when she was an "angry" person "who nobody wanted to spend time with" and so on. Back then, I reacted in not the best way. I'm not one to be bullied (and she bullies me). I held my ground and that just made things worse. I have since learned the best way to react is simply to not react. Listen, but not get snippy in return. I got a little snippy today. I eventually held my tongue...but then she launches into her "I'm not yelling at you" excuse...but really, she is. She is scolding and trying to tell me how to parent and criticizing everything she possibly can criticize.
> 
> ...all this from someone who was telling me two weeks ago how "happy" she is and that she's at such a great place in her life and so on. I don't know if she is having issues with her new relationship or whatever...but come on, leave me out of it. All I ask is to be treated with a little respect and a little kindness. I don't ask (or expect much else).
> 
> She was actually improved for a couple of weeks. She seemed happier and she wasn't so critical...but now she's kind of back to being not just a very nice person. Ugh!?!


I hope you're dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WreckTangle

marduk said:


> I hope you're dating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying! :wink2:


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## WreckTangle

I really do feel like I'm "ready" to at least start exploring the concept of dating again. I definitely want to. I think my ex moving on somehow made it feel okay in my head...like it broke the imagined "bond" that was still holding me to her.

I just don't know where to begin. I'm 39-years-old. I'm in good shape. I'm fun. I've always made friends easily...but it has been so long since I've had to think about dating. I really haven't been single very much over the past 20 years...but it seemed easier to meet people when I was younger. I met my ex 12-years-ago through a mutual friend.

I've explored online dating to a point. I did some research and I picked one site, but I have not gotten anywhere. Nobody ever responds to my messages. I think I've had one actual response...and that didn't go further than one response. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong or what or if this is just typical. I just "struggle" to want to continue paying for a service that doesn't seem to lead anywhere.

I'd obviously love to find someone organically, but the pool of available females I come into contact with on a daily basis is small.

I guess I shouldn't freak out. I really just made the decision to really start looking (and I'm talking just looking for something slow to start with) in the past couple of weeks. It would be silly to panic and throw my hands up in the air and say "I'm never going to find anyone" or something like that.

That said...any advice from anyone? I'm a good time and a good guy. I like going out and having fun.


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## WreckTangle

...and it is a little ironic that I started this thread by saying that I am struggling to let go. I think I'll always have a little part of me that struggles. There are way too many memories and shared experiences, but I've come a long way in even the past two weeks. I've let go of a lot. I think a lot of that has to do with her moving on. I guess I felt like I was holding on for something...even if consciously I knew she was never coming back...but part of me didn't want to move forward until she did.

I've also been helping a friend who is also going through a divorce. She just started the process. What is interesting is that her story is what my ex likes to tell people happened to us: the disengaged husband who checked out and didn't hear her pleas. That is what my wife claims was our downfall. Thing is, I was never disengaged and she never made much of an effort to get my attention.

In talking to my friend, it has really opened my eyes. Her husband was disengaged. He was disengaged from being a husband and a father. She tried. She tried hard for several years: dragging him to therapy and really making a serious, proactive effort to save what they had. She finally got to the point where it was killing her and she had to stop it.

...that said...while she is still going through with the divorce, she hasn't completely shut the door. If he were to truly get honest help she would stop the process and try again.

It has helped me to help my friend. I'm a year ahead of her in the process, but I now have some hard earned experience and if that experience can help someone else...I have to share it. Life is about learning and some of the lessons are really hard, but it is also about teaching others and helping when you can.


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## db52993

I'm going through a divorce right now. I too am finding it very difficult to let go. My wife left me in the marital residence. I have so many memories here. We were married for 15 years. She wants out. I am struggling too. We have no kids which makes it a little easier. I can understand, maybe, a little of what your dealing with. I get depressed. Its not how I pictured my life to be. :frown2:


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## WreckTangle

db52993 said:


> I'm going through a divorce right now. I too am finding it very difficult to let go. My wife left me in the marital residence. I have so many memories here. We were married for 15 years. She wants out. I am struggling too. We have no kids which makes it a little easier. I can understand, maybe, a little of what your dealing with. I get depressed. Its not how I pictured my life to be. :frown2:


I'm really sorry to hear that. It does get a easier, trust me, it does. I know the feeling of suddenly finding yourself in a life you never could have imagined. Until the day she told me she was done, I believed to the core of my soul that I had a partner who loved me as much as I loved her and who was committed to me as I was committed to her. It was a huge shock to find out how wrong I was.

It is tough being in the house you shared, but it can also be a good thing. I have a lot of memories in my house. They exist in every corner. I can be in any room or look at just about any object and conjure up a memory. I was just watching a movie the other night and found myself thinking of the night we picked that television out and how we loaded it into the car in the rain and then went to Target and bought the entertainment center for it. I don't know if I want to let go of those memories, even if they might make me feel better.

It's kind of academic, though, because of the kids. I live one house up from their elementary school and their future middle school. It was the first home they ever knew. It contains the first bedrooms they ever had. I truly believe they feel safe in that house. It represents "security" in a time where they must be feeling very insecure.

It will get better, but it will be tough. My best advice is stay true to yourself. Don't let this situation change who you are. Live moment to moment if you have to and try and be good to your wife. Don't give in to feelings of anger and resentment. Hang in there and know that we're all here to listen and help!!!


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## WreckTangle

db52993 said:


> I'm going through a divorce right now. I too am finding it very difficult to let go. My wife left me in the marital residence. I have so many memories here. We were married for 15 years. She wants out. I am struggling too. We have no kids which makes it a little easier. I can understand, maybe, a little of what your dealing with. I get depressed. Its not how I pictured my life to be. :frown2:


...and it is okay to feel depressed...just as long as you're mindful of if the depression gets to be too much and then you may need to get some help. I have a therapist who helps me a ton.

The end of a relationship, especially one as profound as a marriage, is like a death. You go through the same stages of grief. You mourn for the loss of what was and you mourn for the loss of what could have been.

Feel the feelings. Accept them. It will help a ton.


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