# Trying Very Hard To Keep Dating On Hold



## JBTX

I really need to keep dating on hold. Maybe casual dating would be OK, but it has to be kept to a bare minimum. 

My ex-wife was involved in an affair with one of my best friends when she left January 2017. Close to the time our divorce was finalized, I got wind that she and this guy continued on with their affair and then he divorced his wife. We were all friends at one time. 

Within a couple months of him divorcing his wife they are publicly a couple now, even though he lives 10 hours away. He’s been bringing the kids all the way down here every weekend when my ex-wife has our children. Playing house for the weekend and then going home. 

I’m really worried about the effect that this is having on my children. I can tell a difference in their behavior and surprisingly they seem happier when they’re at home with me and they have prior to their mothers new relationship and the things that come with it. The fact that Daddy‘s friend is all the sudden dating mommy has to be raising questions inside children’s heads. The kids are even using terms like stepsister about his children. Which is ridiculous considering how fresh the relationship is. But I’m not gonna cause a fuss. 

I just feel that right now would be a bad time for me to form a relationship, as their mother and her new boyfriend are working hard to push their relationship onto the children. My youngest daughter is complaining that she doesn’t get a lot of time with her mother, because most of the time when they are with her this guy and his kids are around. And their mothers attention is focused on her new boyfriend. The oldest is more quiet about this. 

Not necessarily seeking advice. I think I know what to do. I just kind of wanted to talk.

Although if anybody has great tips for keeping dating to a minimum and extremely casual, I am open to hear that. I still have a life after all. 



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## BobSimmons

What can you really do?

She's divorced and he's divorced. They are pretty much free to do whatever they want. All you can do is communicate openly with your children about what's going on. I doubt your ex is pushing the step sibling thing, it sounds like the kids are trying to make sense of what their relationships with each other are, perhaps a little course correction would be in order in the eventually that any break up could impact on the bonds these kids are forming with each other.

As for you. How long does the moratorium last? You're putting your life on hold due to the actions of your wife and her boyfriend. No one is saying bring your dates home and introduce them as mommy. Go out and enjoy your life, eventually you will have to start dating and one day you will introduce a new woman into their lives when you are ready.


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## SunCMars

I agree with @BobSimmons..

Separate your' dates, your' loves, your' heartbreaks, your' romps from your' children.

Why should you lose out on a 'possible' angel because you fear for your children's reaction to your new life..... your new love.

Enjoy your freedom, enjoy life. Enjoy it separately, discretely from all who were of, your past life.

If and when you meet a lovely lady, you can slowly introduce her, after, say a year of dating. 

If she is a real sweetheart, maybe sooner.


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## [email protected]

JBTX said:


> Although if anybody has great tips for keeping dating to a minimum and extremely casual, I am open to hear that. I still have a life after all.


Aren't you in charge of this? 

Learn to say "no", I guess - if you have trouble with women engineering you into commitments.


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## Bananapeel

What I do is I only date when I don't have my kids with me and I don't introduce the women to my kids, so basically I have two separate parts of my life that aren't comingled. This way I can enjoy an adult relationship and not have it affect the kids life. If you do the same just be upfront and tell the women that you won't even consider introducing them to your kids for 6-12 months, and even then it will be based on what sort of future you see with her. Consequently, most of my relationships last between 6-12 months!


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## jlg07

I would also tell your children that those kids are NOT their stepsister/brother. Just clarify that they are your ex-friends children, they are NOT related to them in any way. Show them love and be a rock for them. If you kids are old enough, you can explain why you and your ex got divorced (mommy wanted to have ex-friend as a boyfriend which isn't allowed when you are married -- don't know the age of your children, but make it age appropriate). I think you are doing the right thing with not introducing any women you are dating to the kids, especially if YOU are not sure about them.


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## JBTX

Hey thank you everybody! 

I’m gonna keep myself open to dating. But on some pretty strict terms. It would be silly to pass up on a good opportunity and I’m sure I wouldn’t. 

I think I have some really good ideas on how to address the stepsibling thing when it comes up. With my youngest will probably be like “well you aren’t stepsisters and you know that, but is that something you were playing along with?” She is very much into make-believe. The oldest one is almost a teenager, so I’m just gonna keep my ears open and see what’s appropriate. 


Thank you all for the comments and listening!


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## Diana7

JBTX said:


> I really need to keep dating on hold. Maybe casual dating would be OK, but it has to be kept to a bare minimum.
> 
> My ex-wife was involved in an affair with one of my best friends when she left January 2017. Close to the time our divorce was finalized, I got wind that she and this guy continued on with their affair and then he divorced his wife. We were all friends at one time.
> 
> Within a couple months of him divorcing his wife they are publicly a couple now, even though he lives 10 hours away. He’s been bringing the kids all the way down here every weekend when my ex-wife has our children. Playing house for the weekend and then going home.
> 
> I’m really worried about the effect that this is having on my children. I can tell a difference in their behavior and surprisingly they seem happier when they’re at home with me and they have prior to their mothers new relationship and the things that come with it. The fact that Daddy‘s friend is all the sudden dating mommy has to be raising questions inside children’s heads. The kids are even using terms like stepsister about his children. Which is ridiculous considering how fresh the relationship is. But I’m not gonna cause a fuss.
> 
> I just feel that right now would be a bad time for me to form a relationship, as their mother and her new boyfriend are working hard to push their relationship onto the children. My youngest daughter is complaining that she doesn’t get a lot of time with her mother, because most of the time when they are with her this guy and his kids are around. And their mothers attention is focused on her new boyfriend. The oldest is more quiet about this.
> 
> Not necessarily seeking advice. I think I know what to do. I just kind of wanted to talk.
> 
> Although if anybody has great tips for keeping dating to a minimum and extremely casual, I am open to hear that. I still have a life after all.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am not sure I see the problem, just don't date. I didn't date out of choice for 4 years after my marriage ended. I think it was very good in that I was in no way emotionally ready before that, and my teenagers didn't need any added complications after their dad had hurt them so much and our marriage had ended very suddenly. My focus for those 4 years was on them totally. I had no emotional energy to even think of a new man in my life. I was their parent 24/7 7 days a week. 
Things are very very fresh for you, you are almost certainly still very hurt and emotionally messed up at this time, and the children need you to be there for them 100%. 

I was never interested in casual dating and to be honest its not going to help you get yourself healed no matter what others may advise.

Once I did meet my now husband 6 years after the marriage had ended, he did meet my children very soon. Partly because they were by then in their late tens and early 20's, and partly because I knew very quickly that he was the one. I also had them living with me all the time so they did meet him when he came round to the house to collect me etc.


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## southbound

Just don’t date. I didnt date after the divorce, but my x did and tried to force it on the kids. The kids told me that being with me felt more like family. I didn’t find it difficult to not date, and I actually think it was best for the kids.


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## Lostinthought61

JB, does the oldest know that mommy and her new boyfriend had an affair is that why mommy and daddy are not together now?
I would also remind your friend that there is only one daddy and that is you. have you heard from his ex?


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## sandcastle

Spare your kids that stomach churning feeling they get when they have to like the new mommy or daddy.

And NO - you do not deserve to be happy on their innocent time.

Let your lowlife, bottom feeding pathetic excuse of a egg donor / bun oven have at it and claim the title of -

Weakest Link.


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## StarFires

Whenever you form a serious relationship, you're going to cause that woman a ton of misery with your imagined problems your kids are having. Many stepkids complain they don't get time alone with the parent, but do kids who live with both parents make such a complaint? Do they even want time alone with mom or dad? Not usually. Did YOUR kids make such a complaint before your divorce? Most likely not, yet there were other people around when you and she were together too, such as you, your wife, and your other kid(s). But there were no such complaints for you to blow out of proportion, were there? Nor are there any rules that say they're supposed to spend time alone with the parent. 

It's a made up complaint by stepchildren because they don't want the other person around. Stepkids who don't have step siblings still make the same complaint, but there's just that one other person around, which is the step parent, whom they don't want their mother or father to be with. They subconsciously only want their parents to be together. Even grown adults hate it when their parents divorce, but they don't even live at home with their parents and even have families of their own. To a child, both adults and minors, mom and dad are an inseparable unit and represent a person's connection to the world because they came from those two people. It's like that even if their parents were never together, like when there was just a one-night stand that resulted in pregnancy, or when the parents broke up before the child was born. Kids still have that innate need to have both parents together. Think about kids who were adopted. Once they know they were adopted or when they become adults, they long to know their connection to the world - one or both of their parents - because that's where they came from. So a lot of people who were adopted set out to find their connection.

So, it's just the fact that mom has a love interest. There's someone around who isn't dad. The same will be for them when you have someone in your life too, except they will make it worse for your girl because, for some strange reason, a man's kids are more apt to reject their father's love interest and cause problems for her. And I can see why when there are men like you being overly receptive to it. A mother's guy doesn't have that problem nearly as often because men are more readily accepted. There's no real explanation for that, it's just the way it goes. While they do have that jealousy and want mom and dad to be together, they aren't going to cause mom's boyfriend the kinds of problems they will likely cause your girlfriend. And it's really funny how they might be fine during your courtship, and then all hell breaks loose after you marry. The kids AND their mother go crazy because dad got married to someone who isn't mom. 

So when they cause problems for your girl, you will automatically side with them since you already have an exaggerated disposition that they need to be protected from the step parents and you give everything they say too much value.

As long as you let the women know you have no long-term interest in them, it may be a good idea to date casually and never subject them to your kids. Or, save the poor woman's sanity and don't date at all until your kids are gone off to college. Adult stepchildren still cause problems, but at least it won't be on a daily basis.

Please read the book "Stepmonster" by Dr. Wednesday Martin to see how awful many stepmothers are treated by their mate and his children. You will know the mistakes to avoid. It really doesn't matter when or if you begin dating someone seriously, but I hope you will read up on step family dynamics, especially as it pertains to stepmothers and stepchildren so you and your kids don't make the woman miserable. Have her read up on it too so that she knows what she's getting into. You likely know the divorce rate in the U.S. is upward of 50%. But you might not know the divorce rate of marriages with stepchildren is upward of 72%. Your first one didn't work out for whatever reasons. If you want the next one to last, learn the things you need to know to give your wife and your marriage a fighting chance.


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