# Custody and being taken advantage of.



## cantdecide

This is my first post in the parenting forum. I've been over on the infidelity forum for quite some time due to my cheating now exwife.

She and I divorced in Sept. '12. It had been an ongoing battle since Feb. '10 (discovery of her adultry in June '10). I have custody of my 18 year old son (his choice) and she has custody of our 15 year old daughter (her choice). My daughter once told me that she decided to stay with her mother due to our son insisting that he would live with me. She didn't want her mother to be alone. I am good with those decisions.

Here's the situation. My daughter comes to my house after school each day. About half the time eats supper with me before she goes to her mothers. On weekends that I have the kids, I have them from Friday afternoon until my daughter goes home on Sunday evening. Very few exceptions and even then it's because of what the kids want. But, when it's the ex's weekend to see the kids it's a different story. First of all my son "maybe" spends one night each weekend at his mothers. This weekend he's told me he's not. My daughter on thursday told me she was spending Friday night with me (ex's weekend). Asked her why and she said her mother had plans and she was scared to stay at home by herself. BTW, this is a result of the ex having her purse stolen with id and house keys in the mix. Both kids have gone shopping with her today (Saturday). My son is coming home this evening and my daughter is staying at her moms but now tells me she's spending the day with me tomorrow. She won't tell me why though. I suspect the ex has plans once again. Of course, I get now phone call, text or email from the ex asking if I can play host.

This whole scenario has been played quite a few times. The ex has become very selfish. I understand that she wants to have a social life but at the expense of her kids? Part of me wants to take her back to court and try to get custody of my daughter but unless the ex does something really bad, I don't think it will happen. My daughter I think would like to live with me but would never do that to her mother regardless of her true feelings. I'm just really sick and tired of their mother not putting our kids first and then taking advantage of me. 

Does anyone have any good advice as to what I can do? Threatening letter from my attorney perhaps?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I think I would go the attorney route. 

If you think your daughter WANTS to live with you, but doesn't want to 'abandon' your wife, then YOU ASKING FOR CUSTODY makes you the bad guy, you the a-hole ex-h instead of your daughter being the 'abandoning traitor'.

Your daughter would get what she wants/needs and she would get to save face doing it.

What do you care what you ex-w thinks of you? So long as the kids are safe/happy, it's all gravy!


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## unbelievable

Let her hang herself with her own rope. I'd be as compliant as possible. It sounds like your kids would end up spending most of their time with you. Document the dates and times you have them. The more they spend time with you, the more stability they will have at your place. The older your kids get the more a judge would heed their point of view. I'd chill and give her maximum opportunity to "dump" the kids on me. Her "social life" might get her involved with some Mr. Wonderful and she won't even want the kids or they might be inconvenient for her. In a couple years, if you have to, you can take her back to court for custody and you'd be sitting on the high ground.


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## turnera

Do you ever ask your D what she really wants?


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## cantdecide

unbelievable said:


> Let her hang herself with her own rope. I'd be as compliant as possible. It sounds like your kids would end up spending most of their time with you. Document the dates and times you have them. The more they spend time with you, the more stability they will have at your place. The older your kids get the more a judge would heed their point of view. I'd chill and give her maximum opportunity to "dump" the kids on me. Her "social life" might get her involved with some Mr. Wonderful and she won't even want the kids or they might be inconvenient for her. In a couple years, if you have to, you can take her back to court for custody and you'd be sitting on the high ground.


They're apparently already inconvenient for her. The kids are 18 and 15 (almost 16). So there's really no waiting a few years to take her back to court. Part of me wants to just sit tight and be compliant but the other part of me gets tired of being taken advantage of by her selfishness at the expense of our kids.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Do you ever ask your D what she really wants?


No, I've told her that if at any time she decides she wants to live with me she can just show up or call me to pick her up. Other than that she won't talk. She protects her mother to the end. They're very much alike and don't communicate well. If a broach a subject that's a touch matter, she gets very defensive.


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## EleGirl

Your on is 18. He's not in your custody any more. He's an adult.

If you make a stink about this your wife can insist that your daughter not come over to your house except on your scheduled days. She has 2 years until she's 18.

Your daughter seems to have an attachment to her other and is concerned for her as she decided to officially live with her mother. If you take your ex to court over this your daughter could turn on you.

If you want your daughter around, let her come over whenever she choses.

If you feel taken advantage of and your daughter is too much of a hassel then tell her to stay at her mother's when the schedule says she's suppposed to be there.

Do your ever tell your daughter that her mother is taking advantage of you because your daughter visits you a lot?


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## cantdecide

EleGirl said:


> Your on is 18. He's not in your custody any more. He's an adult.
> 
> If you make a stink about this your wife can insist that your daughter not come over to your house except on your scheduled days. She has 2 years until she's 18.
> 
> Your daughter seems to have an attachment to her other and is concerned for her as she decided to officially live with her mother. If you take your ex to court over this your daughter could turn on you.
> 
> If you want your daughter around, let her come over whenever she choses.
> 
> If you feel taken advantage of and your daughter is too much of a hassel then tell her to stay at her mother's when the schedule says she's suppposed to be there.
> 
> Do your ever tell your daughter that her mother is taking advantage of you because your daughter visits you a lot?


My son is indeed 18 and is an adult and I treat him as such. If he doesn't want to go to the ex's house that's fine. If the ex has other plans, fine, he can stay at my house where he lives. That's what's been happening. He pretty much comes and goes as he pleases. I do try to get him to spend time with his mother.

But my daughter who is 15 keeps getting the raw end of the deal. I'd love to tell her it's her mothers weekend and tell her to stay there but due to my ex's house keys being stolen, she's scared to stay there alone. So, I either comply and let the ex get away with ignoring my daughter, tell my daughter to stay in a house by herself where she's scared or confront the ex (which happened this weekend).

My daughter can come stay with me anytime she likes. I just don't like it when she's forced into it by her mother and I have to change my plans to suit. I don't like being an absent parent so if my daughter is home, I normally am too.

As soon as I bring up my ex's behavior to my daughter, her hands start waving and she says she doesn't want to hear it.

And btw, I once asked my daughter why she chose to live with her mother. She said that since my son decided to live with me and that she didn't want either of us to be alone, she had to live with her mother. If my son had lived with his mother, she would've chosen me. I can appreciate what she did but at the same time, I wish she had decided to stay where she WANTED to stay.


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## EleGirl

cantdecide said:


> My son is indeed 18 and is an adult and I treat him as such. If he doesn't want to go to the ex's house that's fine. If the ex has other plans, fine, he can stay at my house where he lives. That's what's been happening.


Why did you say that you have custody of an 18 year old? You don’t. he might live with you but it’s not a custody situation.
Why doesn’t he visit his mother?


cantdecide said:


> But my daughter who is 15 keeps getting the raw end of the deal. I'd love to tell her it's her mothers weekend and tell her to stay there but due to my ex's house keys being stolen, she's scared to stay there alone.


Why not use these as opportunities to teach your daughter how to hand things.

The key were stolen.. ok. Suggest she tell her mother that she’s afraid and to change the locks. Locks don’t coast much at the hardware store. She and her mom can change them. No big deal.

Suggest that she tell her mother that she wants her mother that she really wants to spend with her so could she please be home more when the daughter is around.


cantdecide said:


> So, I either comply and let the ex get away with ignoring my daughter, tell my daughter to stay in a house by herself where she's scared or confront the ex (which happened this weekend).


Ok you confronted the ex. Is the ex going to be be home more with your daughter?

If not what will be different than it is right now? You daughter will hang out at your house more.


cantdecide said:


> My daughter can come stay with me anytime she likes. I just don't like it when she's forced into it by her mother.


Why don’t you like this?


cantdecide said:


> As soon as I bring up my ex's behavior to my daughter, her hands start waving and she says she doesn't want to hear it.


What specifically about your ex’s behavior bothers you? that she goes out?

Your daughter does not want to me in the middle of the problems between you and your ex.


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## cantdecide

EleGirl said:


> Why did you say that you have custody of an 18 year old? You don’t. he might live with you but it’s not a custody situation.
> Why doesn’t he visit his mother?
> 
> Why not use these as opportunities to teach your daughter how to hand things.
> 
> The key were stolen.. ok. Suggest she tell her mother that she’s afraid and to change the locks. Locks don’t coast much at the hardware store. She and her mom can change them. No big deal.
> 
> Suggest that she tell her mother that she wants her mother that she really wants to spend with her so could she please be home more when the daughter is around.
> 
> Ok you confronted the ex. Is the ex going to be be home more with your daughter?
> 
> If not what will be different than it is right now? You daughter will hang out at your house more.
> 
> Why don’t you like this?
> 
> What specifically about your ex’s behavior bothers you? that she goes out?
> 
> Your daughter does not want to me in the middle of the problems between you and your ex.


He just recently turned 18. I'm still used to saying I have custody of him. My son doesn't spend much time with his mother because he knows what she did to our marriage and family. He tells me quite often how her behavior is crazy and he doesn't like being around her much. She's done some things that have alienated him.

My daughter has already asked her mother to change the locks or have them rekeyed. Hasn't happened. I have a keying kit and my daughter knows this. She asked if I'd teach her how to do it so she could rekey the locks. Her mother told her no.

Look, I don't care if my ex goes out. I really don't. I just don't get why she can't schedule it on days that she is not specifically taking care of my daughter. I don't like the fact that she gets told "go to your dads, I have a date" on a weekend when she is supposed to be taking care of her. At the very least, contact me and see if it's ok that she comes over for the evening. But I don't get that.

Other than that, I don't know much about the ex's behavior. None of my business. I don't ask my kids questions about her either. If they telll me, fine, but I don't ask. I've tried to distance myself from the ex.


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## EleGirl

cantdecide said:


> He just recently turned 18. I'm still used to saying I have custody of him. My son doesn't spend much time with his mother because he knows what she did to our marriage and family. He tells me quite often how her behavior is crazy and he doesn't like being around her much. She's done some things that have alienated him.
> 
> My daughter has already asked her mother to change the locks or have them rekeyed. Hasn't happened. I have a keying kit and my daughter knows this. She asked if I'd teach her how to do it so she could rekey the locks. Her mother told her no.
> 
> Look, I don't care if my ex goes out. I really don't. I just don't get why she can't schedule it on days that she is not specifically taking care of my daughter. I don't like the fact that she gets told "go to your dads, I have a date" on a weekend when she is supposed to be taking care of her. At the very least, contact me and see if it's ok that she comes over for the evening. But I don't get that.
> 
> Other than that, I don't know much about the ex's behavior. None of my business. I don't ask my kids questions about her either. If they telll me, fine, but I don't ask. I've tried to distance myself from the ex.


Asking questions is helpful to figure out what's going on.

I can only tell you what I did. 

When my son and step chilren preferred to stay with me I let them. I did not badmouth the other parent, I did not not ask many questions. At that age kids are smart enough to figure things out.

My son and two step children are now in their mid 20's. My son lives with me and only visits his father for a brief time every other weekend or so. 

My step children have little to nothing to do with their mother. They also have little to do with their father.

I chose to not go back to court over anthing because I did not want to cause the children any more grief than what they went through during the divorce. They suffered too much already.

I'm glad I handled it this way. It's worked out well for the children.


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## turnera

I see a lot of you expecting your daughter to do adult things, of you putting the onus of change on HER. Take on her mom and tell her the truth. Take the initiative to change locks. Choose for logic and not guilt.

Those aren't things a 15 year old is typically capable of. I'm taking off work right now because my 22 year old daughter is afraid to order eyeglasses on her own. 

IMO, what really needs to happen in your family is for your daughter to start going to biweekly therapy, as she has been turned into a Pleaser and unless that's stopped now, she's going to have a horrible, unhappy, broken life because she doesn't know how to stand up for herself.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> I see a lot of you expecting your daughter to do adult things, of you putting the onus of change on HER. Take on her mom and tell her the truth. Take the initiative to change locks. Choose for logic and not guilt.
> 
> Those aren't things a 15 year old is typically capable of. I'm taking off work right now because my 22 year old daughter is afraid to order eyeglasses on her own.
> 
> IMO, what really needs to happen in your family is for your daughter to start going to biweekly therapy, as she has been turned into a Pleaser and unless that's stopped now, she's going to have a horrible, unhappy, broken life because she doesn't know how to stand up for herself.


I did take on my ex. I very politely asked for an explanation. She changed the subject and when I pressed her again as to why things happened the way they did all I got were insults, accusations, etc. Told her that my daughter is scared to stay there alone and all I get is "well she's never told me that".

What? Me change the locks on my ex's house? Well, that would never happen. The ex is a bit too paranoid to ever let that happen. I think that's why she won't let my daughter rekey them. She's scared it's some devious scheme of mine to gain access to her house:rofl:. Like I even want to go there.

Her being a "pleaser" is what is worrying me. I keep talking to her about telling her mother how she feels instead of doing exactly as the ex wants. Both my daughter and ex have shot down therapy. Daughter is good at standing up for herself with friends, brother and me but not her mother.


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## turnera

Huh? I never told you to change her locks. I meant that you expect your DAUGHTER to take on her mom, and your daughter to do something about getting the locks changed. Kids don't stand up to parents, usually. They just aren't mentally prepared for it. Even at age 50 I wasn't ready to tell my mom something bad about her. 

And you telling your daughter to tell her mom how she feels IS harming her. She has made it abundantly clear that taking on her mom is the single scariest, most horrifying thing she could be asked to do (waving of hands). Stop doing it! All you are doing is making her hate herself more each time, for being weak. For wanting to please you but knowing you look down on her for not standing up to her mom. And at 15, what girls need most is to have the admiration of their fathers - that's how they form their vision of what a good future partner will be. You're helping her learn to choose disapproving males who expect more than she can give.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Huh? I never told you to change her locks. I meant that you expect your DAUGHTER to take on her mom, and your daughter to do something about getting the locks changed. Kids don't stand up to parents, usually. They just aren't mentally prepared for it. Even at age 50 I wasn't ready to tell my mom something bad about her.
> 
> And you telling your daughter to tell her mom how she feels IS harming her. She has made it abundantly clear that taking on her mom is the single scariest, most horrifying thing she could be asked to do (waving of hands). Stop doing it! All you are doing is making her hate herself more each time, for being weak. For wanting to please you but knowing you look down on her for not standing up to her mom. And at 15, what girls need most is to have the admiration of their fathers - that's how they form their vision of what a good future partner will be. You're helping her learn to choose disapproving males who expect more than she can give.


You're reading way too much into it. I never told her to take on her mom. Just to let her know how she feels. How is that harmful? Telling her mother she is scared to stay at her house alone?

I never told her to change the locks. My daughter asked ME to teach her because her mother wouldn't do anything about it. And I have NEVER been disapproving of her in anything involving her mother. It's not her concern and I try to keep her out of things.

When I said she stands up to others, her brother and me, I mean to let us know when she doesn't want to do something. What? You want her to go along with everything instead of telling me how she feels? I never said my daughter waves her hands in the air when trying to take on her mom. I said when I talked to her about her moms behavior.

And when did i say anything about expecting more of her?


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## 2ntnuf

unbelievable said:


> Let her hang herself with her own rope. I'd be as compliant as possible. It sounds like your kids would end up spending most of their time with you. Document the dates and times you have them. The more they spend time with you, the more stability they will have at your place. The older your kids get the more a judge would heed their point of view. I'd chill and give her maximum opportunity to "dump" the kids on me. Her "social life" might get her involved with some Mr. Wonderful and she won't even want the kids or they might be inconvenient for her. In a couple years, if you have to, you can take her back to court for custody and you'd be sitting on the high ground.


Can I "like" this more than once?


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## unbelievable

You feel as if you are being taken advantage of. In reality, you are getting what you want...maximum time with your kids. She's screwing herself royally. These "kids" will be producing grandkids in just a few years. Guess who is going to have maximum contact with and access to the grandchildren? Your ex couldn't be doing you a better favor if she were following a script you had written. Your kids are learning that you are the responsible parent. You are the one they can rely upon. You are the one who is more interested in their well-being than his social life. When the crap hits the fan, they will know who has their back. Your ex is slowly alienating herself not only from her kids but from future generations.


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## turnera

cantdecide said:


> I never told her to take on her mom. Just to let her know how she feels. How is that harmful?


You said "I keep talking to her about telling her mother how she feels instead of doing exactly as the ex wants" - that is a confrontation you're asking her to do. Maybe men are different, maybe just people are different, but she's made it clear she can't handle the stress of talking to her mother about ANY of this. Yet you 'keep talking to her' about it.


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## turnera

cantdecide said:


> I never said my daughter waves her hands in the air when trying to take on her mom. I said when I talked to her about her moms behavior.


You misread what I said.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> You misread what I said.





turnera said:


> She has made it abundantly clear that taking on her mom is the single scariest, most horrifying thing she could be asked to do (waving of hands).


I never said she did this. You did.

Her waving her hands was in response to my talking about her mothers behavior. NOT taking on her mom.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> You said "I keep talking to her about telling her mother how she feels instead of doing exactly as the ex wants" - that is a confrontation you're asking her to do. Maybe men are different, maybe just people are different, but she's made it clear she can't handle the stress of talking to her mother about ANY of this. Yet you 'keep talking to her' about it.


So, what you're saying is that instead of my daughter telling her mother that she is scared to stay at home by herself that she should say "ok mom, go on your date, I'll stay home by myself"? Really? How about she says "mom, I'm not comfortable staying home by myself because of your keys being stolen, can we call dad and see if I can stay with him instead?" Confrontation? I don't think so.

I really don't want to get into a child parenting class. You have your issues, I have mine. Mine are not with my kids but with my ex-wife and kids. I have a very good relationship with my kids. Lets get back on topic.


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## turnera

Look at how confrontational you get with some internet stranger questioning your actions.

Think of how your daughter would feel telling her mom that she's unhappy with what she's doing.

She's already shown she won't confront her mom and will subject herself to living with her, just to NOT UPSET her mom.

You can believe whatever you want. You ARE asking her to confront her mom and she is incapable of doing it. I'm just suggesting you stop bringing it up with your daughter, so she can stress less.

The rest of the arrangement is already being handled, and everyone has pretty much told you to just accept it as is and not push it.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Look at how confrontational you get with some internet stranger questioning your actions.
> 
> Think of how your daughter would feel telling her mom that she's unhappy with what she's doing.
> 
> She's already shown she won't confront her mom and will subject herself to living with her, just to NOT UPSET her mom.
> 
> You can believe whatever you want. You ARE asking her to confront her mom and she is incapable of doing it. I'm just suggesting you stop bringing it up with your daughter, so she can stress less.
> 
> The rest of the arrangement is already being handled, and everyone has pretty much told you to just accept it as is and not push it.


And my daughter not voicing her feelings is a good way to grow up? Please..........that's how my wife turned out the way she did. With a step mother that required silence and servitude.


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## turnera

Guilting her or nagging her to do something she's mentally not prepared to do at her age will not help her. It will only make her MORE afraid of confrontation. The best thing you could do is talk about yourself, about how you have handled situations, without explicitly saying you want HER to handle a situation. She'll hear you, learn from it, and she'll deal with it on her own when she's ready and capable.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Guilting her or nagging her to do something she's mentally not prepared to do at her age will not help her. It will only make her MORE afraid of confrontation. The best thing you could do is talk about yourself, about how you have handled situations, without explicitly saying you want HER to handle a situation. She'll hear you, learn from it, and she'll deal with it on her own when she's ready and capable.


And there you go again.......guilting or nagging her? Now you're accusing me of that? All I do is suggest to her that she shares her feelings with her mother and now I'm nagging her? I've never told her I want her to talk to her mother. I've suggested it might do her good. If she says she doesn't want to then that's where the conversation ends. You need to stop putting words in my mouth.


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## turnera

cantdecide said:


> If she says she doesn't want to then that's where the conversation ends. You need to stop putting words in my mouth.


Then why did you say "I KEEP talking to her about telling her mother"?


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Then why did you say "I KEEP talking to her about telling her mother"?


:scratchhead:

Daughter: I'm scared to stay at my mothers house
Me: Maybe you should tell her why you're scared.

Daughter: I really didn't want to eat Mexican
Me: Maybe you should have told your mother

Daughter: Mom cancelled having all my friends over and it made me mad.
Me: Did you tell your mother you weren't happy about it?

Daughter: Mom told me she'd take me shopping and now she won't take me.
Me: Why not? Did she give you a reasonable explanation? Did you tell her that it upset you?

Daughter: Mom took me out driving and she yelled at me the entire time making me nervous.
Me: Did you tell her that her yelling made you more nervous than you already were?

That's why I said "KEEP" telling her. I don't NAG her over any one incident. I just tell her each time something comes up that she should probably tell her mother how she feels and stop holding it all in. If that makes me a NAG then so be it.


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## Thundarr

Well your daughter is old enough that if she wants to live with you then it's easy enough to get a court date. Just ask her what she wants to do.

You're not dealing with small children who don't really have voices. Really though you don't have very much control over what your ex does. I don't think leaving a fifteen year old at home is not going to be considered neglect by the courts so if it's a big problem then your daughter has to speak up and possibly threaten to stay with you.

You're lucky that your kids are almost grown.


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## turnera

Hmmm. Sounds like she's a complainer. It's a feel good response and gives the complainer a temporary feeling of superiority. But nothing ever gets done. I'm married to one. Been complaining for 35 years, and every 'why don't you' I've given him is ignored. And then he comes back the next day and complains some more.

Maybe instead of suggesting she tell her mom - which obviously isn't going to happen - you just role play or visualize or come up with things you did in your past, that will help her see her OWN way out of something that doesn't involve standing up to her mom. "My mom cancelled my party once and I was so mad; but then I decided to find a better way around it - I called Joe's mom and asked her if we could schedule it for over there, and I offered to clean up afterward to make up for her letting us have it there. We had a great time." 

You're not telling her what to do, but you ARE showing her that there are other ways out of things she may not have thought of. Remember that teenagers have a very limited knowledge of the world and how it works and how to get things done (or that there are more than one way TO get things done); I'm still showing DD22 how to do stuff.


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## Thundarr

cantdecide said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Daughter: I'm scared to stay at my mothers house
> Me: Maybe you should tell her why you're scared.
> 
> Daughter: I really didn't want to eat Mexican
> Me: Maybe you should have told your mother
> 
> Daughter: Mom cancelled having all my friends over and it made me mad.
> Me: Did you tell your mother you weren't happy about it?
> 
> Daughter: Mom told me she'd take me shopping and now she won't take me.
> Me: Why not? Did she give you a reasonable explanation? Did you tell her that it upset you?
> 
> Daughter: Mom took me out driving and she yelled at me the entire time making me nervous.
> Me: Did you tell her that her yelling made you more nervous than you already were?
> 
> That's why I said "KEEP" telling her. I don't NAG her over any one incident. I just tell her each time something comes up that she should probably tell her mother how she feels and stop holding it all in. If that makes me a NAG then so be it.


New locks seems like a reasonable thing for her to do but most of this other stuff sounds like your daughter needs to deal with on her own. She should say she doesn't like things but mom may not listen and it's not really her choice what mom feeds her for super.

It sucks that you have to worry about it but kids want mom and dad to rescue them and your daughter will have to learn that you can only interfere with bigger issues than mom feed me mexican or didn't let my friends come over.


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## Thundarr

turnera said:


> Hmmm. Sounds like she's a complainer. It's a feel good response and gives the complainer a temporary feeling of superiority. But nothing ever gets done. I'm married to one. Been complaining for 35 years, and every 'why don't you' I've given him is ignored. And then he comes back the next day and complains some more.
> 
> Maybe instead of suggesting she tell her mom - which obviously isn't going to happen - you just role play or visualize or come up with things you did in your past, that will help her see her OWN way out of something that doesn't involve standing up to her mom. "My mom cancelled my party once and I was so mad; but then I decided to find a better way around it - I called Joe's mom and asked her if we could schedule it for over there, and I offered to clean up afterward to make up for her letting us have it there. We had a great time."
> 
> You're not telling her what to do, but you ARE showing her that there are other ways out of things she may not have thought of. Remember that teenagers have a very limited knowledge of the world and how it works and how to get things done (or that there are more than one way TO get things done); I'm still showing DD22 how to do stuff.


My opinion is she's at an age where she needs to start to figure out problems on her on. After all in a few years she'll be an adult interacting with others in the real world so now's a great opportunity to challenge her to come up with solutions and give her a little guidance here and there but let her figure out most of it. Obviously telling dad about little things like super and friends not allowed over is childish.


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## cantdecide

Thundarr said:


> New locks seems like a reasonable thing for her to do but most of this other stuff sounds like your daughter needs to deal with on her own. She should say she doesn't like things but mom may not listen and it's not really her choice what mom feeds her for super.
> 
> It sucks that you have to worry about it but kids want mom and dad to rescue them and your daughter will have to learn that you can only interfere with bigger issues than mom feed me mexican or didn't let my friends come over.


I'm not concerned about the small stuff. She's a teenaged girl. She likes to complain. I tell her to talk to her mother about the small stuff knowing it won't happen or just tell her that's life. The more serious things I work with her to find alternate routes. The lock issue got to me and I took to the ex because I feel the ex SHOULD be changing the locks if our daughter is that frightened. Hell, the ex was worried about it for her own sake! And yet a week later she's willing to let our daughter stay there alone frightened because she wanted to go out.


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## turnera

Kids still listen to their parents for advice years past their teen years. Whether they know it or not. I think the separation and mom's wanton behavior throw a few odd wrenches into the mix of her ability to solve things on her own. But I agree she'll feel better about herself each time she figures out her own solution.


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Hmmm. Sounds like she's a complainer. It's a feel good response and gives the complainer a temporary feeling of superiority. But nothing ever gets done. I'm married to one. Been complaining for 35 years, and every 'why don't you' I've given him is ignored. And then he comes back the next day and complains some more.
> 
> Maybe instead of suggesting she tell her mom - which obviously isn't going to happen - you just role play or visualize or come up with things you did in your past, that will help her see her OWN way out of something that doesn't involve standing up to her mom. "My mom cancelled my party once and I was so mad; but then I decided to find a better way around it - I called Joe's mom and asked her if we could schedule it for over there, and I offered to clean up afterward to make up for her letting us have it there. We had a great time."
> 
> You're not telling her what to do, but you ARE showing her that there are other ways out of things she may not have thought of. Remember that teenagers have a very limited knowledge of the world and how it works and how to get things done (or that there are more than one way TO get things done); I'm still showing DD22 how to do stuff.


My ex likes to call that "manipulation"


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## turnera

Takes one to know one...


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## cantdecide

turnera said:


> Kids still listen to their parents for advice years past their teen years. Whether they know it or not. I think the separation and mom's wanton behavior throw a few odd wrenches into the mix of her ability to solve things on her own. But I agree she'll feel better about herself each time she figures out her own solution.



I have a 29 year old son that listens to me more now than he did at any point in his life. Either I'm dispensing better knowledge or he's learned to listen better (both !!):smthumbup:

My daughter solves things on her own just fine but complains a lot on the way there. I think it comes from her mother catering to her every whim when she was very young.


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## turnera

Yeah. People often don't pay enough attention to that kind of stuff when the kids are young - how they're affecting them.

There's a great book called Getting The Love You Want that talks about how this affects who you pick as a mate. Great reading. Even for your kids.


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## Thundarr

turnera said:


> Kids still listen to their parents for advice years past their teen years. Whether they know it or not. I think the separation and mom's wanton behavior throw a few odd wrenches into the mix of her ability to solve things on her own. But I agree she'll feel better about herself each time she figures out her own solution.


The wrenches are just more of her problems to deal with. I think OP is right to be worried about the locks.


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## turnera

Agreed. I'd be having my lawyer send her a letter saying to change them or I'll see you in court for endangerment.


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