# 5 Days into Separation



## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Hi,

I have posted here and there over the last 2 years, since my H affair.

I finallly snapped, after all the book reading, therapy, MC, retreats, he still is in my eyes not "healed himself" ie, supressed anger, blame guilt, ranging from his childhood up through affair.

I cannot deal with being treated like the enemy anymore. It only took a few times of him telling me Im crazy, and then my daughter yelling back at him that he is crazy to realize that this is no environment for my child. Yes, it could be tons worse, but I am at capacity for what I can deal with.

So, I told him we need some time away. Its day 5 and he is still feeling sorry for himself, I feel like he acts like he is forever the victim.

I read The verbally abused husband:can he change over the weekend. it was sort of insightful, maybe killed a little of the faith I had in him to be able to magically "change"

Now I am here looking for support. I feel like when someone close to you dies. Where you will be going along for a bit and feel like life is "normal" and then bam it hits you that you are in your house with out your H, your 3YO d is asking where daddy is and i just feel comepletely out of sorts.

How do you know if its working, is separation really just a co op?? Will anything be accomplished here??


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

lala1978 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I cannot deal with being treated like the enemy anymore.
> 
> ...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

From the details you've given, it appears that nothing has worked; separation is the next step into divorce. People who sincerely want to salvage their marriage don't separate. What are you wanting from him? Him to change or get help? Do the current problems stem from the affair?


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

You know first, I wish him peace. You can see the pain he has carried him in since he was a child. When I met him I didn't see it as clearly. He is the father of my child and I want him to be able to have a healthy emotional relationship with her. 

He personalizes EVERYTHING. He is deeply defensive, everything is seen as an attack.

Unfortuately, the affair was the catalyst. If it was just the affair I think we could work past that. It's the years of him lying, surpressing his emotions, now projecting his emotions on to me that are very difficult to deal with.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

I guess the part I find so incredibly heartbreaking is that I am putting a mark on my child's history.. 

"My parents divorced when I was 3".. i HATE that, so much. Obviously i have to get over it, but I hate it, and I hate that its me who will make the final decision. I never use the word hate but this is something that i feel deep in my core.

The hard part is that I really believe my H has BPD, he has been on meds for a year and half, I asked him to call his dr and try something different. He sadly suffered abuse as a child, and never spoke about it until the affair was revealed.. I guess I do feel sorry for him..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has he seen a psychologist for an in depth evaluation? Sometimes medication doesn't work because of guessing on the part of doctors. Has he received individual counseling?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

lala1978 said:


> I guess the part I find so incredibly heartbreaking is that I am putting a mark on my child's history..
> 
> "My parents divorced when I was 3".. i HATE that, so much. Obviously i have to get over it, but I hate it, and I hate that its me who will make the final decision. I never use the word hate but this is something that i feel deep in my core.
> 
> The hard part is that I really believe my H has BPD, he has been on meds for a year and half, I asked him to call his dr and try something different. He sadly suffered abuse as a child, and never spoke about it until the affair was revealed.. I guess I do feel sorry for him..


If he is BPD, meds won't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

I remember once speaking to someone here about BPD.. 
part of me wants to say, wouldn't a therapist recognize it, but I think someone could easily scoot by with out it being diagnosed..

Pidge70, do you have expereince with BPD?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have BPD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I have BPD. 

If he has been on the same meds for a year and a half and they don't seem to be helping the anxiety-depression cycle (depending on if he's stage 1,2, or rapid cycling), then he needs to a pychiatrist NOW! That's if he is even on the right meds btw. Many times BPD is misdiagnosed as depression and they give antidepressants like Prozac which could wind him up and cause severe anger/panic attacks until he crashes into longer term depression or experiences more suicidal thoughts. What they usually give is a mixture of mood stabilizers and sometimes tranquilizers if you tell them you are going through an extreme life crisis such as divorce. This is one of those times where you need to drag him kicking and screaming to the doctor to be treated. If not he could do something irrational, violent, or self destructive. I am not kidding this is something he will hate you for now and thank you for later.

PBD can be managed with medicine but there is still a risk of over stressing past what the meds can do. It takes a few weeks for them to take effect without any side effects and you have to keep taking them everyday or the snap back could be the worst highs and lows of your life. A big part of managing this is self control and calming techniques. 

You will have to realize that there's going to be good and bad hours/days/weeks depending on which one, in which he will push you away, cry, get angry, be oversexed, think about hurting himself, and OCD over little things. I have had several suicidal experiences and been through the gauntlet of these manic and depressed symptoms a few times before I found the right meds and patience with myself. It's tough but you do get through it with better understanding of your emotions.

I really feel for you if you've had to deal with this in him. BPD spouses can be draining and require a little extra TLC but we are not helpless and are not bad people. In time he will learn to pay attention to his emotions and control himself better. You just remember at this time it's not your fault and he is acting crazy.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> I have BPD.
> 
> If he has been on the same meds for a year and a half and they don't seem to be helping the anxiety-depression cycle (depending on if he's stage 1,2, or rapid cycling), then he needs to a pychiatrist NOW! That's if he is even on the right meds btw. Many times BPD is misdiagnosed as depression and they give antidepressants like Prozac which could wind him up and cause severe anger/panic attacks until he crashes into longer term depression or experiences more suicidal thoughts. What they usually give is a mixture of mood stabilizers and sometimes tranquilizers if you tell them you are going through an extreme life crisis such as divorce. This is one of those times where you need to drag him kicking and screaming to the doctor to be treated. If not he could do something irrational, violent, or self destructive. I am not kidding this is something he will hate you for now and thank you for later.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Thank you so much for your reply. I look forward to retreading it when my daughter goes to sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm pretty sure the other poster meant they are bipolar. BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder. They are two vastly different disorders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Whoops! Lol, sorry for the confusion.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

Ah yes, after rereading that just now that makes sense. 

Pidge70~ would you be willing to chat about BPD? I could PM you.


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## lala1978 (Jul 21, 2011)

No problem, I do appreciate your time in going through everything. Hopefully it sheds some light for someone!


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