# Married and travelling alone with opposite sex colleague



## knightRider

What are your thoughts on travelling alone with a colleague of the opposite sex. I've seen a few articles where it is recommended that we avoid this, especially on long journeys. 

I tend to agree with this as if the journey is say, over 1 hr as you're bound to start discussing non work stuff. What about if you're travelling to a "fun" event for work?


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## Satya

I travel 2-3 times a year with my boss, either car or plane. He is the same age as my husband. I've been working with him for years. We know some basic personal details about each other, through conversations on trips. We have a working relationship and are both solid on boundaries. His wife went with us several times and I made absolutely sure she knew I was zero threat (I am younger). Thankfully, she is a confident woman without a hint of jealousy. She knows the deal. I have encouraged them to go date when we were traveling once. We are all workaholics. 

I'm not attracted to my boss. We are not "friends." I respect him and I do my work. 

Maybe if you can admit to yourself there's a strong attraction, you should consider alternatives to traveling with the colleague if it's really going to be a problem for you. Otherwise, stick to your boundaries and it shouldn't be a problem, unless the colleague starts something. Even then, the thing to say is, "I'm not comfortable talking about this." Don't go out of your way to be extra social. I do my on-site, I go back to my hotel room and work. If I want to be around people (I'm an extrovert so extremely long periods of solitude can be tough) I go down to the bar so I can work alone with conversational background noise in my ear. 

I do not mix business and personal life/pleasure. Ever. Despite there being a ridiculous campaign at my work presently to blur hose lines, I absolutely refuse to. I mentor many mid 20s in what I do. I love working with younger people and I've worked with some very handsome young men. Not only are they much younger, they are also in my care and my responsibility to help mentor professionally. I have occasionally dispensed simple personal advice when asked, but for the most part, it's strictly business.


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## MattMatt

The temptation is there.

But so is the temptation of working with people of the opposite sex. Or even the same sex. What if they suddenly decide to get a gay experience?

If there is such little trust on a relationship maybe the problem has more than business trips of workplace affairs to be worried over?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## knightRider

MattMatt said:


> The temptation is there.
> 
> But so is the temptation of working with people of the opposite sex. Or even the same sex. What if they suddenly decide to get a gay experience?
> 
> If there is such little trust on a relationship maybe the problem has more than business trips of workplace affairs to be worried over?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure it's really a trust issue, more a boundary one and keeping your "personal window" fairly small with opp sex colleagues. Sure, affairs can develop at work, on work premises, but when we take work outside of the office, I think there are more chances of people drifting.

I think I saw a comment in "his needs, her needs" or "not just friends" that mentioned this.


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## tailrider3

Shouldn't be a big deal. I've done that before many times and besides, its not just the situation with a colleague that could be a big temptation. When you are traveling alone and at the hotel bar for an innocent drink, go to a local restaurant/bar for dinner, an after work happy hour...

Temptation is always there my friend. Its what we choose to do with it...


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## aine

knightRider said:


> What are your thoughts on travelling alone with a colleague of the opposite sex. I've seen a few articles where it is recommended that we avoid this, especially on long journeys.
> 
> I tend to agree with this as if the journey is say, over 1 hr as you're bound to start discussing non work stuff. What about if you're travelling to a "fun" event for work?


I think it should be avoided as far as possible, the same applies to regular car lifts with a colleague of the opposite sex. This is how things get started.


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## alexm

If it's for business purposes and can't be helped, then you don't have a lot of choice. If it's something like sharing a ride to/from work, then that's a different thing altogether, IMO.

I haven't held an office job in about 10 years now, but when I did, I made sure to include my (ex) wife in any social goings-on in regards to work (office parties, etc.)

The workplace is tricky. One tends to spend as much, if not more time at work than at home. You make friends, and there are almost always people of the opposite sex that you find attractive in one way or another. It's an entirely different ecosystem. Throw in overnight travel for some and you could be looking for trouble.

But you can't really avoid it in many cases, depending on what your job entails.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

tailrider3 said:


> Shouldn't be a big deal. I've done that before many times and besides, its not just the situation with a colleague that could be a big temptation. When you are traveling alone and at the hotel bar for an innocent drink, go to a local restaurant/bar for dinner, an after work happy hour...
> 
> *Temptation is always there my friend. Its what we choose to do with it...*


:smthumbup:


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## uhtred

This is a tough one. On the one hand, the temptation is there: traveling with a co-worker, cut off from friends. Often lots of free time. Its perfectly natural to have dinner together - and then what - sit in the bar for a while? 

I've traveled a lot for work, sometimes with female colleagues and the temptation is very real. 

OTOH, travel is part of business and it is discriminatory to avoid travel with a colleague due to their gender. 


semi-serious suggestion: if your partner is going on a business trip, Fck them silly before they go. I've been in the situation where my wife turned me down for sex for several months, than I had a business trip with a woman I know from work. Feeling sexually frustrated makes the temptation much worse - that little voice saying "well, if my wife doesn't want me then....".


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## tailrider3

uhtred said:


> This is a tough one. On the one hand, the temptation is there: traveling with a co-worker, cut off from friends. Often lots of free time. Its perfectly natural to have dinner together - and then what - sit in the bar for a while?
> 
> I've traveled a lot for work, sometimes with female colleagues and the temptation is very real.
> 
> OTOH, travel is part of business and it is discriminatory to avoid travel with a colleague due to their gender.
> 
> 
> semi-serious suggestion: if your partner is going on a business trip, Fck them silly before they go. I've been in the situation where my wife turned me down for sex for several months, than I had a business trip with a woman I know from work. Feeling sexually frustrated makes the temptation much worse - that little voice saying "well, if my wife doesn't want me then....".


Totally agree with the last paragraph. If things aren't going well at home then...doesn't bode well. Which brings me to a point I always tell my wife but she does not agree. A man and woman cannot be "friends" or hang out really. One will start to naturally feel an attraction. This goes for online or physical. Eventually conversations will start to be empathetic and someone will say "he/she is so sweet and my wife/husband isn't..." or people will be drinking and given they may be lacking in their current relationship start openly flirting. Personally experienced it too many times to discount it.


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## uhtred

Brings up a good point
No drinking on business trips. None. Bad for business, bad for risking doing something you will regret later. 




tailrider3 said:


> Totally agree with the last paragraph. If things aren't going well at home then...doesn't bode well. Which brings me to a point I always tell my wife but she does not agree. A man and woman cannot be "friends" or hang out really. One will start to naturally feel an attraction. This goes for online or physical. Eventually conversations will start to be empathetic and someone will say "he/she is so sweet and my wife/husband isn't..." or people will be drinking and given they may be lacking in their current relationship start openly flirting. Personally experienced it too many times to discount it.


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## WonkyNinja

knightRider said:


> Not sure it's really a trust issue, more a boundary one and keeping your "personal window" fairly small with opp sex colleagues. Sure, affairs can develop at work, on work premises, but when we take work outside of the office, I think there are more chances of people drifting.
> 
> I think I saw a comment in "his needs, her needs" or "not just friends" that mentioned this.


If you're seeking an opportunity to be unfaithful then you will probably find one. If you're looking for an affair then you're probably going to find one whether you travel with company or alone. If you're not looking for the opportunity then you probably won't just stumble into it anyway. 

If you're travelling with a work colleague (or boss) then be friendly, civil, respectful and professional as you would at work. 

If you're worried about doing something after drinking together at the hotel bar that you wouldn't otherwise do then you probably need to consider and address your drinking habits.


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## WonkyNinja

uhtred said:


> Brings up a good point
> No drinking on business trips. None. Bad for business, bad for risking doing something you will regret later.


Some level of social drinking is often the norm for trips and conferences. The main difference on work trips is that you are being judged even when meeting in the evening and drinking to a point that affects your behavior or speech would probably appear unprofessional. 

Generally if I'm on business I'd keep my drinking below the driving limit, but then I'm not one that can drink a lot anyway.


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## uhtred

I have never had someone complain or even comment when I ordered non-alcoholic drinks on business trips, even in Japan (where ordering tea is socially acceptable). 






WonkyNinja said:


> Some level of social drinking is often the norm for trips and conferences. The main difference on work trips is that you are being judged even when meeting in the evening and drinking to a point that affects your behavior or speech would probably appear unprofessional.
> 
> Generally if I'm on business I'd keep my drinking below the driving limit, but then I'm not one that can drink a lot anyway.


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## WonkyNinja

uhtred said:


> I have never had someone complain or even comment when I ordered non-alcoholic drinks on business trips, even in Japan (where ordering tea is socially acceptable).


That's great, it works for you. I didn't intend to imply that alcohol was mandatory nor expect a client or colleague to pass comment on the choice of drink.

However a blanket "no drinking on business trips" doesn't work for everybody and isn't necessarily bad for business. A lot depends upon the business culture you are visiting. It is common practice to enjoy a glass or two of wine with lunch in France, for example, but to return to work showing signs of inebriation would be extremely unprofessional. In many places, and I believe France is one, to continue business discussions over lunch is also frowned upon.

I would also hope that no one would expect me to drink domestic beer on a visit within the USA.


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## LeGenDary_Man

My wife is in academia. She is often considered for participation in trips to distant places (for academic purposes and/or enjoyment). I informed her once that I do not mind her participation in such trips unless she is the only female in the group. She acknowledged. 

If you have to travel with a male coworker (no matter what), then you should take your husband into confidence about it and remain in-touch with him during the trip from time-to-time. More importantly, avoid alcoholic drinks, do not discuss personal matters and do not share the room. Keep it professional.


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