# Have posted here before, but in need of help! What do i do?!



## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

this is what I have posted in other forums, as well as on this site:

For the last 10 years or so, I have gone back and forth on whether or not I could be "bisexual" or curious about sexual acts with guys. I have often fantasized about going down on a guy, and look at porn that includes those types of sex acts as well. I have never had an actual experience with a man, but am extremely curious about the act of giving oral sex. However, I am married to an amazing woman, who grew up conservatively and isnt as open minded as I would like. Shes not homophobic, but doesnt have much exposure to these types of things. Recently, my urges to experiment have gotten intense, and frequent. I find myself talking to quite a few female friends, and even family members about my situation in regard to my sexual orientation. I really want to tell my wife, but I am scared beyond belief that she will not understand, and freak out on me. To be quite honest, the fact that I have never had an actual experience sexually may not mean I am bisexual, but I do know that the urge to give oral sex is intense. It seems as though I can talk to everyone but her abotu this, and it has recently came back to bite me, as a couple of her siblings had people tell them I was questioning them in regard to how i came off sexual orientation wise. How do I tell my wife i have fantasies about men? Is there a way to somehow "gauge" her reaction, to see how she might react..or if she currently suspects anything? it should also be noted that I get teased all the time, and have been teased all my life because people think i am gay, or have those tendencies. The following incident happened over a year ago. so i look at the craigslist casual encounters section..alot. never respond to any ads or anything..but i like looking at the couples looking for men section.i search bi couples alot. anyways, about 8 months ago..i left it up on the browser. she saw it. asked me about it that night, and was like why were you on that site? i freaked out immediately and told her it was a pop up, and that i didnt go there on purpose. shes like bull, i clicked back..and saw the pages you looked at. she then asked if i was curious about what type of people posted on there, thats what i told her i mean. she then flat out asks..you arent gay are you? i say no immediately and shes like, then its not a huge deal, just dont lie to me about it. Ultimately, what I would like out of this entire situation is acceptance. My end goal is her accepting this part of me. I have really hated myself for the last how many years because of these urges. I look at a man, and immediately think of how nice his penis might look , or taste..or feel inside of me. Up until lately, the urges were just for the penis..but now..they are towards a certain guy. They have grown in a sense. I get very nervous and anxious around him, not to mention very aroused. Problem is, he is the husband of my wifes best friend. The other reason I want to know what she thinks is because every now and then, she will make little jokes, or comments that indicate to me she suspects something at the very least. She will randomly ask me if I am gay, and play it off as a joke..then when I ask her if she thinks I am, she says Cant you take a joke, I am just giving you a hard time. I honestly wish i knew exactly what my wife suspected/thought already..that way I think I could approach it better with her. If she does suspect something, then she is really good at hiding it because the times shes made jokes, i will ask her if she thinks i like men or something and immediately she says no. Another issue i am facing is i have talked to quite a few people. Her couple good friends know, which got to her sisters. The sisters said they wouldnt say anything and didnt want to get involved..but part of me wonders if someone will before i get a chance to talk to her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get more of an accurate read on her suspicions before I fully tell her? We have kind of talked about it, my wife and i. But it was over electronic means of communication. I am finding out who my true friends are with all of this, as a few of my guy friends wont even talk to me anymore. Was I wrong by talking to so many female friends? The wife and I have discussed it somewhat, over IM and such while I was at work. She basically told me that unless I would ever leave her for a guy, why make a big deal about it, or discuss it? Advice pleasE! My wife and I have an OK sex life. It doesnt happen very often, and is often quite boring when it does. I should add that the last 4 times my wife and i have had sex, i cant reach orgasm at all. Thats not good, especially when we are trying to have a baby. I guess I am just afraid to add more stress to her plate. She has a stressful job, there are alot of outside sources of stress and I guess I dont want to be another one of them. I mean, I honestly think she knows somewhat. She makes little jokes all the time..and when we were facebooking about it while i was at work, she told me that unless i want to leave her for a man, then she didnt want to discuss it, or make a big deal of it. I am also afraid that the amount of female friends and family members ive spoken with about it is going to haunt me, as it already has somewhat. Pleaseee help!

I am still seeking advice from female friends, and have actually been to a therapist in regard to the issue. Anyone have any advice? Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stop trying to have a baby until this is worked out with your wife.

Your wife knows on some level. Women do not joke that their husbands are gay.... unless they think that their husbands are gay. 

You need to tell her. You have already told just about everyone else.

Then let her make up her mind what she wants to do and if she will be ok with a gay husband.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Stop trying to have a baby until this is worked out with your wife.
> 
> Your wife knows on some level. Women do not joke that their husbands are gay.... unless they think that their husbands are gay.
> 
> ...


You really think she knows? Do you think i am fully gay?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife turn you on? Did she when you dated and first married?


If she did your are most likely bi.

There is something about your first post that is bothering me... you see to be obsessing about all this. Do you have obsessive compulsive behavior and thoughts about other things?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Greenthumb,
You need to stop fooling yourself, and your wife. Your mind is playing tricks on you.
It doesn't matter whether or not you are bisexual, the fact is,
YOU ARE MARRIED .
Let's extrapolate, suppose you were not bisexual and didn't have urges for men but instead was attracted to other women, other than your wife, and contemplating having sex with them.
Would that be ok?
No.
That would be cheating.
Do you consider yourself an unfaithful , low life cheater?
Because that's the real issue here.
Unfaithfulness is gender neutral. 
Would you be ok if your wife was attracted to and had an obsession over other men?
No.
If you think that you like sex with men then do your wife a favour,ask for a divorce and have sex with as many men as possible ,if that would make you happy.
But stop fooling yourself and playing these games with your wife.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife turn you on? Did she when you dated and first married?
> 
> 
> If she did your are most likely bi.
> ...


Yes, my wife turns me on and still does. She was definitely wilder when we first got together. OCD? Maybe. I think there is some of that in my need to seek advice from female friends on the matter.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CB's post above raises some important point.. 

Do you intend to have affairs with men while married? If not then why would any of this matter?


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> CB's post above raises some important point..
> 
> Do you intend to have affairs with men while married? If not then why would any of this matter?


No, i dont intend to. I am just really tired of me not knowing if i am bi. I have never had a sexual experience with a man. Or wondering while I feel the need to seek out advice from female friends and family members..which has comeback to haunt me by the way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are sexually aroused by your wife. The idea of doing sexual things with men arouses you.. my take is that you are bi-sexual.

I think that you seek out advice from females because you like females (as in you are attracted to them), this is a way to get their attention and you feel they are safe to talk to. Men will not be so forgiving of you having this sort of conversation with them. Plus what better way to inform your wife then to tell some female family member or friend who will then tell your wife. 

You are afraid to tell your wife... so you are setting up a situation where someone else will. 

I think that you need to stop talking to friends and family. If you need to hash through this, then talk to a counselor.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You are sexually aroused by your wife. The idea of doing sexual things with men arouses you.. my take is that you are bi-sexual.
> 
> I think that you seek out advice from females because you like females (as in you are attracted to them), this is a way to get their attention and you feel they are safe to talk to. Men will not be so forgiving of you having this sort of conversation with them. Plus what better way to inform your wife then to tell some female family member or friend who will then tell your wife.
> 
> ...


I have actually seen a therapist recently. As far as what you said, I agree. It has almost happened twice, but didnt. I have spoken with so many female friends I cant keep count. I dont know. I just hate how intense my urges are at times.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She's going to find out sooner or later.

So come up with what you are going to tell her.

"Honey, I have tried to fight the feelings for a long time. But the more I fight it the stronger it gets. I'm sure that I am bi sexual. I find that you arouse me. So obviously I like women sexually. But I keep also having thoughts of having sex with men. I've never done it but I guess I'm bi-curious. I have no intent to cheat on you with a man. But I need to get this out in the open. "

There you go.. tell her that or write her that. then it's over and done with. She already told you that she's ok about it.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

You know, i have tried to. I have, but every time..I freeze up. However, on facebook and text..it is way easier for me to make comments or to hint at things. Do you think she could be in denial, or not believe me?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that she knows but since you will to tell her, it lets her stay in some level of denial.

You need to tell her because it's eating you up.. thus it's hurting your marriage.

Your first thread on this was in spring 2012. IT's been a long time. Get it over with.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

I know, i need to just man up and do it, but im so afraid she will freak out. I dont think she will, but the thought is always in the back of my head. To be honest, part of me wishes one of her sisters or good female friends that knows would have told her without me knowing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

greenthumb95 said:


> I know, i need to just man up and do it, but im so afraid she will freak out. I dont think she will, but the thought is always in the back of my head. To be honest, part of me wishes one of her sisters or good female friends that knows would have told her without me knowing.


They might have and she's waiting for you to tell her.


Look, you have told just about every female in your city (a bit of an exaggeration) none of them seem to want to get involved in your drama. So you are going to have to take care of this.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> They might have and she's waiting for you to tell her.
> 
> 
> Look, you have told just about every female in your city (a bit of an exaggeration) none of them seem to want to get involved in your drama. So you are going to have to take care of this.


Yea, i think you are right. I know that because of my opening my mouth, we have lost friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So get it done with.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So get it done with.


Ok, I will. I hate to ask so many questions..but do you honestly think that 1, she knows..or 2..someone has told her? Shes the kind of girl that if she knew id been talking with someone about something like this..she would confront me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

greenthumb95 said:


> Ok, I will. I hate to ask so many questions..but do you honestly think that 1, she knows..or 2..someone has told her? Shes the kind of girl that if she knew id been talking with someone about something like this..she would confront me.


You know her a lot better than I do 

Even if no one told her, she suspects. That's clear from the questions she has asked you.


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

You make a good point. Thank you for the advice! Can I ask you something private over the mail on here?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sure


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you can't orgasm with your wife, that really tells her and you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenthumb95 (Apr 20, 2012)

mablenc said:


> If you can't orgasm with your wife, that really tells her and you all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey everyone! So, I have begun to talk to a therapist..but its only making my fantasies about men worse?! 

Help!


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It seems as though you are making things too complicated. You are gay. Having to live in a heterosexual relationship will not satisfy you. You won't be happy and your wife won't be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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