# My friend is cheating....



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, I haven't started a thread here in forever! Not been much to seek advice on lately I guess, but this is something that is really bothering me. 

A very good friend of mine is cheating on her husband. With an old friend of his, no less. They have been messaging/flirting/sexting for quite a while now, and she ended up at his house last week after she went out with a girlfriend. When I asked what happened, she told me everything but PIV. Its just a matter of time before that final line is crossed.

Her H has been hounding her for years now that she is cheating on him, and she never was. Well, now its become a self fulfilling prophecy and she is checked out. I have been telling her for some time now that she really just needs to divorce. (this was after encouraging her to work on things, even though he has been a belligerent, verbally/emotionally abusive mostly drunken ass to her...) She is dead set on just continuing what she is doing. I reminded her that NOW she has made him RIGHT about her... She said that her life has already been hell with him and that she has been being accused for so many years anyway. I asked what her plan was, she says she doesn't know. I I said that she needs to end one of them, she cannot stay married if she is going to continue messing around with other men, and if she is going to stay married, the other men need to go. I asked if she wanted to get caught, she said no. I hate sounding preachy, but I have been there before myself, so its not like I'm just talking out my ass and being high and mighty about this stuff. 

She finally admitted to me a few days ago that she is scared about money, so I know that is what is keeping her there. Which is sh!tty. She says she doesn't think she is strong enough. So this guy that she has taken up with is pretty well off money wise.... so I cannot help but think she got involved with him as an exit affair and that she thinks he will take care of her once her marriage DOES finally end. I feel like a crappy friend for thinking that, but that is exactly how it looks to me. I know I shouldn't care about him that she is using him, but sadly he is really a nice guy...who has been very lonely and clearly has his own issues if he is involved with a married woman.... but still. I don't like to see him get used. 

Anyway. I just don't know what else to do. I have tried and tried, putting all my TAM knowledge and my own sordid experience to use, and it just isn't getting through to her.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Two things came to mind when I read this

1) Her H is projecting and HE is cheating. That is why he keeps accusing your friend.

2) The OM is not going to take your friend in once she is separated/divorced. 

Not much help. Sorry.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Two things came to mind when I read this
> 
> 1) Her H is projecting and HE is cheating. That is why he keeps accusing your friend.


I have had this exact thought and have told her this too. Cheaters tend to project. If he HAS cheated, I think it is something that has happened in the past, I don't think its currently going on. (just based on his behavior in the last year and a half that things have really gone downhill...)


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Anyway. I just don't know what else to do. I have tried and tried, putting all my TAM knowledge and my own sordid experience to use, and it just isn't getting through to her.


Even people on here rarely listen to the advice offered because they aren't ready or willing to accept it even if they say they are.

In the case of your friend, well she isn't even ASKING for it.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

My answer is always
I will not lie for you and if asked I will tell the truth.

Distance yourself - messenger always gets creamed.

99.9% of those who are accusatory about cheating are the ones cheating.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Unique Username said:


> My answer is always
> I will not lie for you and if asked I will tell the truth.
> 
> Distance yourself - messenger always gets creamed.
> ...


Well, I will not be the messenger! I may not approve of what she is doing, but she is my friend, and her husband has actually blamed ME for being a bad influence on her! Just because I am divorced. He has no idea that even though he has been a d!ck for so many years, I had been encouraging her to try and work on things...try to get him to go to MC...to actually stand up for herself and talk about her needs.. etc etc. That way she can say she tried to make it work before ending it. Yet I am the bad guy just because I'm divorced. So yeah, he wont be hearing this from me. If he confronted and asked me, I would just tell him to go talk to his wife instead of me.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not sure what to offer, 3X. Probably nothing you want to hear. 

I realize the predicament is personal, but I would be careful. You'll be drawn into the drama of her personal plight. If she's unremorseful and wants out, but is too scared to lose her comfort, how is that any different than the thousands who have written the same schpiel here, and receive the proverbial foot-up-arse from your good self? 

We always want to make exceptions for our close friends. I make no exceptions and actually hold true friends to a higher standard. If they can't meet it, I reconsider my friendship... 

I am just cruel like that I suppose.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What would you tell her if she posted here not as a friend?

I hear your advice as a friend, which may or may not be objective enough since "she is dead set on just continuing what she is doing".

That he has been a horrible person to her for many years does not soothe the action... in fact, it has brought more unmindfulness to light in her life. She is in an affair with a man that knows she is married and he is will to do this against and old friend.

Is this really what she values in her life? Lies, deceit, shame, contempt... and these are all her treatment of self, you know she needs to end that what is hurting her so she has a chance with honor at something that will not.

If their path together in the future will come, to base it on this foundation of mistrust is unstable ground...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> I'm not sure what to offer, 3X. Probably nothing you want to hear.
> 
> I realize the predicament is personal, but I would be careful. You'll be drawn into the drama of her personal plight. If she's unremorseful and wants out, but is too scared to lose her comfort, how is that any different than the thousands who have written the same schpiel here, and receive the proverbial foot-up-arse from your good self?
> 
> ...


We agree in all but the last.

That is not cruelty... that is clarity.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, I haven't started a thread here in forever! Not been much to seek advice on lately I guess, but this is something that is really bothering me.
> 
> A very good friend of mine is cheating on her husband. With an old friend of his, no less. They have been messaging/flirting/sexting for quite a while now, and she ended up at his house last week after she went out with a girlfriend. When I asked what happened, she told me everything but PIV. Its just a matter of time before that final line is crossed.
> 
> ...


Good friends are honest. What she is doing is crappy. Be careful when petting a snake, it may bite you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Satya said:


> I'm not sure what to offer, 3X. Probably nothing you want to hear.
> 
> I realize the predicament is personal, but I would be careful. *You'll be drawn into the drama of her personal plight. If she's unremorseful and wants out, but is too scared to lose her comfort, how is that any different than the thousands who have written the same schpiel here, and receive the proverbial foot-up-arse from your good self?
> *
> ...


Trust me, she has gotten my foot up her ass more than once over this. I make no exception for her. But this isn't a friendship breaker for me, unless I am thrown into it in a way that negatively impacts my life, or she turns nasty to me. Right now I am just frustrated with her. I cannot cast stones at her because I have cheated myself, but I also ended my marriage when I realized my reality. She currently has no intentions of doing so. Really all I can do is put the advice out there for her, what she chooses to do with it or not is on her. She may get annoyed with me and pull away...we shall see. 

I'm not sure why I felt the need to post about it, I guess I just felt the need to vent and share, and to get some outside thoughts. Seems I'm trying to save someone who wants to drown herself instead.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

My hope is that she opens her eyes to the values your experience brings... 

This is a hard path to guide, judgement abounds... lighthouses don't help ships out of the fog, they only warn of the dangers in the fog... the ship has to navigate itself. It's an interesting relationship that we often forget the importance of, and in.


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## Florida_rosbif (Oct 18, 2015)

The OM is a real snake. Having been on the receiving end of my wife's infidelity and starting to understand a year later how profoundly it has ****ed me up, I wouldn't wish that on an enemy, let alone an old friend. To willingly be the OM in a friend's wife's affair is a moral turpitude of the highest ****ing order. :angryas****:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is self destructive behavior from her sagging, flagging, bright-red... end.

Women are physically smaller creatures [then men].

It is not their inclination to fight back with their fists against an aggressor or an Azzbutt. Some do this. 

They will endure only so much abuse and then they will snap.

They will not hit a man in the ballz [though they might want to]; no, they will hit him at the other end of his manhood.

The cord that runs from a mans testes terminates at his pride. His pride is in a fragile jar in his head.

A scorned women often will find that glass container and break it. Call it revenge, call it desperation, I call it Good Aim. 

Little David slew Goliath with a well aimed stone. Some abused wives mimic the feat, sub consciously.

It may not be "right", or "moral", but it is what it is.

Men can call this an example of twisted justice. Women call it "Her "End" run around the Meany". Her smooth scented lower-end taken from the meany and given to Revenge.

I do not approve. I do understand...and that hurts. 

Your friend committed a Vigilante Affair, without the sanction or her peers, without the sanction of the Church. Not blind justice, Nay, a eyes wide-open dive into spite and lust.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Women are physically smaller creatures [then men].







































Just say'en.


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## Florida_rosbif (Oct 18, 2015)

Browser, don't do things like that!


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

To be clear: OM knows she's married?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I absolutely wouldn't bet two gnats off of a dogs a$$ that the physical activity hasn't already taken place!*


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> I saw this coming and I tried to stop it. I really have no respect for him at this point, but I DO have respect for the MARRIAGE, (they have been married 25 years!) and she should have ended it instead of becoming a cheater. So no, I do NOT condone this.
> 
> 
> 
> I sure would like to find out if HE cheated though. If all this started due to his own indiscretion...that would just be sooo sh!tty.




When the marriage is done "emotionally" it is done.

Just because papers are not completed through a court of law does it constitute cheating?

Cheating is when someone is sneaking around. Other person is sneaking, lying, blah blah blah. 

Marriage is just a legal formality. 


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## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have mentioned that I will not help her cheat. I have even told her that. Having been there myself, I haven't lost respect for her, I do truly empathize with her. I would be the world's biggest hypocrite. However, I have learned from my mistakes and carried it forward with me. Harsh lessons. I was hoping I could help her avoid hurting herself the same way I did, and I will be there for her when this all blows up. I encourage her to talk about it so that I can interject advice where I can, whether its been followed or not.


have you told your husband of her actions?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Very much so, her H is an old friend since at least high school. (we are all in our 40's)
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Cake eating wont stop. 

It is not cake eating....it is trauma.

It takes years to get over for most, some do not even get over it.

He has probably been f**king with her head for so long she lacks the capacity to have rational thought processes with regards to the situation.

Everyone reacts to abuse differently. Her behaviour is typical. 

Support group for abused women, no judgement from you. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I will repeat this point. Being cheated on is NOT a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour.

There's another way to look at this.

He has cheated his wife out of a marriage and his kids out of a proper family.

He put it on the grill, his wife has stuck the fork in it.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Marriage is now a word, not a moral. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Xenote said:


> have you told your husband of her actions?


No I haven't, and I wont, either.


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> No I haven't, and I wont, either.




Do not. Make's it worse.

Abuse is ugly...but it is real.

Help and guide and ignore all the bitter people on here hung up on morals that lack the mental capacity to understand science. 


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> No I haven't, and I wont, either.


let me ask it this way, given your history if you did tell him what do you think he would say about your relationship with your friend? would he ask you not to hang around her? would he be concern ?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

xMadame said:


> When the marriage is done "emotionally" it is done.
> 
> Just because papers are not completed through a court of law does it constitute cheating?
> 
> ...


it may be a legal formality but the repercussion could be steep for the one of both parties...in other words....one of high school buddies, was a driven to create an american dream that he never had growing up, married a girl who came from wealth and promised her she would not have to work a day in her life, that he would care for everything...they had kids, they seemed happy, he worked, with the bonus he brought apartment buildings, rental homes, and they were doing very well...he comes home earlier to find her and the delivery man in bed....they divorce and she wants everything....she said she was emotional unconnected to him, but she certainly wasn't willing to start out with nothing, nor try to find a job. So Madame does she deserve everything? what is her responsibility in all of this?...it's legal until it becomes personal....


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wow, I haven't started a thread here in forever! Not been much to seek advice on lately I guess, but this is something that is really bothering me.
> 
> A very good friend of mine is cheating on her husband. With an old friend of his, no less. They have been messaging/flirting/sexting for quite a while now, and she ended up at his house last week after she went out with a girlfriend. When I asked what happened, she told me everything but PIV. Its just a matter of time before that final line is crossed.
> 
> ...


Personal opinion... I don't allow people to enlist me into a conspiracy of silence. If you're okay with that, that's your life, not mine.

As to what you can do...
There's nothing you can do to convince her to leave. She's getting what she wants, and still gets the financial security of her H. Why would she leave that?
As far as I can see, that leaves you with: 
A) tolerating this as it goes forward, and engaging in the conspiracy of silence.
B) Letting her know that she's got a finite amount of time to fix this because you aren't going to pretend it's not happening. Then follow through.
C) Same as (B) but don't follow through
D) Continue banging your head against the wall, spit-balling ideas at her that you know she won't follow.
E) Just tell her H.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly I have no idea what his reaction would be if I did tell him. I would like to think his first thought would NOT be about MY relationship with her, however.


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