# What do I do?? I think my husband is cheating on me



## FireFaery (Aug 13, 2019)

Hi, I’m 31 and my husband 37 and we have an almost 2 year old together. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for 4 years. 

We had been trying for a baby for years and it was getting really stressful and upsetting not getting pregnant, then one day he passed me his phone to use and when I went to use google it popped up with some escort sites that he had searched.

I was so shocked and hurt. He assured me he was looking at them out of curiosity and for porn as he had gotten bored of regular porn. 

I wasn’t happy and almost left him, then I found out I was finally pregnant and was so over joyed I found it in myself to forgive him and I honestly thought he was telling the truth and that he would never do it again (I told him I’d leave him if he ever searched escorts again and that I didn’t mind porn).

We have had a super stressful last 2 years with birth complications and moving overseas, but I always felt like I could trust him even though I was a little cautious. 

Since giving birth he gave me all sorts of stories like he’s afraid of having sex with me incase I get pregnant again (he doesn’t want another child), and that he’s so stressed with his new job he’s not in the mood...plus he travels a lot for work.

It’s been tough, and I’ve felt so isolated and alone in all of this, but still held onto the fact we’d get through a rough patch and be a happy family.

Now, I had the r act same situation happen as before...yet this time there were numerous searches for escorts and each was in an area where he was going on work trips. 

When zip checked the dates against his travel dates they lined up as he had searched the week or days prior to travelling. 

I am so gutted that I trusted him and this happened again but seemingly worse. I confronted him about it because he noticed something was up with me. 

He told me it was as porn again and that I had nothing to worry about. Then I told him I saw the dates, the exact searches...even the searches for specific working girls names...he told me he was just curious and that he’d called a few of them over the last 2 years, but never gone through with it.

Then he said that on his last work trip he had gone to a bar and bought a women a drink because he has some fantasy about women smoking...so he found this women that fitted his fantasy...then it turned out they had a private booth and it was not a bar but a strip club....honestly I don’t know why he thinks I’m that dumb. It’s so obvious there’s more to this and the lies are out of control. 

I’m not wrong am I? I want to leave but I don’t want to break up the family for my sons sake...I don’t know what to do.

My husband wants to stay together and says he hasn’t done anything but messed up looking at escorts and calling them (I don’t see why you’d need to call them if your not using them) and going to strip club. 

He wants to do couples counselling...do I even bother?? I’m fully dependant on him as a stay at home mum with our son and living in another country with no support. My family back home are no real help either so I’m sooo stuck 😭


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your situation. Even if he's done nothing else, everything you said is pretty bad. A husband shouldn't be looking up and talking to escorts and having private sessions with strippers. And if he's doing that, I would tend to think there's a lot you don't know about. If he's traveling, then anything could be happening.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I think you should talk to a lawyer to learn what would happen in a divorce. It will likely give you a lot of confidence going forward. You say you're dependent on him, but you would likely be granted support after a divorce. A stay at home mom with a 2-year-old will likely get alimony and child support. Being more confident about the possibility of divorce will mean you will have more confidence as you address this situation.

One other thing a lawyer can help with is to setup a post-nup. This is a document which will spell out what happens if he continues this behavior. You could say that if he talks to escorts, has intimate chats, has affairs, etc., then in a divorce you get full custody, child support and alimony. At least that way you can give it a try and if it doesn't work out, you'll know you're going to be taken care of.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

No, you are not wrong. He’s a cheater. I hope he hasn’t brought you home any diseases from his Escorts. I would go get tested right away. See a lawyer pronto also.

You are young, and can start over with a man who will be faithful. I would suggest tightening up what you find acceptable entertainment (porn viewing, strip clubs) from a spouse, and not making the mistake of marrying someone like this again.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, he is cheating, and lying. If he wants to do the couples counseling, I dont see any harm in going along, at least that way you can tell yourself you tried. Counseling wont help as long as he insists on lying. You cant trust him, he has proven that, and given that he travels for work, you never will be able to. Divorce while your child is this young will be much easier on him than waiting, because he will have no memory of life any other way. They are super adaptable at this age. I left my daughter's dad when she was 2 1/2, and yes there was a brief adjustment period in the beginning, but it was short lived and she doesnt even remember us together. (she is now 22) You already gave him a second chance and he blew it, how many more chances do you really believe he deserves?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Men who travel a lot for work have lots of opportunities to cheat.

By admitting that he called the escorts, he is admitting to everything that you can prove. If he’s paying with cash, you can’t prove anything except that he searches them (including his favorites by name) when and where he’s traveling and calls them with his cell phone.

There’s no way he’s telling the truth. He’s slept with dozens of *****s.

You either put up with this behavior or you leave.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You told him your boundary (no escorts) and the consequences (you would leave). He ignored that because he was willing to take the risk that you wouldn't. It's very doubtful you've gotten the complete story because it doesn't benefit him to tell you. Ask yourself how you would ever trust him again if you stay, especially if he travels for work (prime time for cheating for anyone so inclined). In the meantime, don't be tempted to have sex with him if he suddenly decides that's what he wants. You have no idea what you might be exposing yourself to. Will he change? That's the question. He may have no idea at this point if he can change (or if he truly wants to). It would take a great deal of time and energy and effort to rebuild your marriage. Not everyone is willing -- or able -- to do that. You'll have to decide what's best for you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your husband is actively pursuing sex with strangers, the evidence is overwhelming so don't let him down play it. There is no maybe and there is no drunken one night stand, this a scum bag doing all he can to cheat on his wife...and his child.

I'm sorry for you, I just don't see how you can stay married to the guy. Frankly his behavior is so obvious I think he is forcing you to end the marriage so he won't look like the bad guy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is putting your life at risk by playing STD Russian Roulette.

Sorry. That's not acceptable behaviour from a "loving" husband.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm sorry, but you only have two choices: admit you married a cheater and accept it (and force him to get tested regularly for STDs) or pack up and move home. You can create an amazing life on your own with your baby.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You are 50% responsible for marriage issues but he is 100% responsible for his decision to engage in inappropriate behavior.

Every spouse has a responsibility to make his partner feel safe from infidelity. He failed. At the very least he should be taking the initiative to restore your trust.
Judge him by his actions not his words or promises. The burden of proof regarding his faithfulness is now 100% on him. You are no longer under any obligation to trust him.

Studies show that your most effective strategy/reaction to his inappropriate behavior is the same whether you ultimately D or R.

- get tested for stds
- zero tolerance for his inappropriate behavior
- seek legal advice as to how D will impact you
- implement the 180 

He has to believe that you will divorce him rather than live with his inappropriate behavior.

Some have found that serving the spouse immediately with Divorce papers sends the necessary message as to how serious you are.

Finally, your husband may be bored, depressed, need attention etc but he had many choices for coping - but he choose to cheat. Why?

Your husband is broken. It's too soon for MC. He needs to first find out why he chose this behavior and fix himself (IC).


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Fire, you drew the boundary, it was crossed. You do not want to be the marital police, you'll never be at rest. You deserve so much more from your life. Be aware that once a spouse know you will do nothing to them. 

They believe that they can do anything they want. With little or no push back. Do not let your husband define who you will be. Only you should be the one. Yes l also am with other posters that you are worth so much more. And need to do one of your toughest choices up to now. 

And as your child grows more tough decision will be made. But know this you child will know that they have a truly strong mother.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> I'm sorry, but you only have two choices: admit you married a cheater and accept it (and force him to get tested regularly for *STDs*) or pack up and move home. You can create an amazing life on your own with your baby.


Your WH has exposed you and your child to potentially lethal STDs.

People don't think about this until it is too late. Get yourself tested. Don't settle for this.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Tell him to give you the money to move back home. If he refuses, then file for divorce. Stay in your home. The courts will make him pay maintenance for you and your son. When the divorce is final, use the support money to move back home.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

While you can never be certain, I'd say there is a 99.999% chance that he is not telling you the full truth. He is trickle-truthing you. Only admitting to the "least bad" version of offenses that you can prove. He wants you to get over this with the least amount of truth as possible so as to minimize his consequences. That means you can't really trust anything he says. So the question of whether or not your relationship can be salvaged, whether or not marriage counseling will work or not, whether you can forgive him or not, will all come down to whether he can restore your trust, or not.

So... given your situation, and yes your predicament of being a stay at home mom in a foreign country does enter into the equation, I would say that there is no harm in giving marriage counseling a chance. Some tips: Make certain you can both agree on the counselor/therapist you choose, so he can't try to claim you picked one who is impartial. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that you will require the entire truth, that lies are 100% unacceptable from this point forward and will result in ending counseling. He needs to give you every timeline of events, confess to EVERYTHING that could be perceived as an offense to the marriage. He must be willing to answer any and every question you have truthfully. You might even save some of the hard ones for while you are in the session with the professional, so that both of you can be listening for potential lies. So even if you are tempted to believe an unlikely story, perhaps the professional will say, "That sounds pretty far fetched, are you sure you don't want to change your story?" Also, he would have to agree that he is no longer entitled to privacy of any kind for the foreseeable future. In my mind, that means he gives you access to every username and password for any account of any kind that he has anywhere. He has to turn his phone/laptop/whatever over to you any time you ask for it without question. He has to answer your questions any time. He's not allowed to criticize you a few weeks later for thinking of follow-up questions, just because he thought you were over it two weeks ago during the Q&A session. Etc. etc. etc.

If he actually wants to change, he can't argue with any demands you have. If he's pushing back, that's a bad sign.

Incidentally, the traveling part of his job is probably the biggest enemy of any chance of saving your marriage. Men who have made the choices that your husband has just can't be trusted to suddenly start making better decisions when they are given access to regular completely unsupervised time and private hotel rooms or overnight time. I've seen situations like this where the injured spouse (usually the woman of course) rightfully demands that the offending spouse change jobs or positions in order to no longer have to travel for work. In your case, I think that would be a wise demand, and if he were to agree to that, it would be a very good sign of commitment on his part.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

turnera said:


> I'm sorry, but you only have two choices: admit you married a cheater and accept it (and force him to get tested regularly for STDs) or pack up and move home. You can create an amazing life on your own with your baby.


On these STD's, the risks, thereof.

The risk is high, very high.

He knows it, and he fears that. Obviously, not enough, though.

That is why he begged off having sex with you, before. He claimed he did not want to get you pregnant. I suspect he fears (had feared) he will/would have given you some disease. 

Plus, he likely enjoys full-service hooker sex over normal spousal sex. 

He is living two lives. One normal, one dark and dismal.



KB-


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Have you made him move out yet?

Perhaps it's best to make sure you put yourself first from here on out. You deserve to be happy too.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

His cheating and his lying. 

You previously told him if he ever looked up escorts again you would leave. To not do so now will show him you are full of hot air and his treatment of you will just get a lot worse.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He is lying through his teeth, he has slept with sme of them, normally this kind of trickle truth means it’s just the tip of the iceberg. Start planning your exit. If he gets away with this, he will continue. Any man who is off ****ing escorts when his wife is home alone in a foreign country taking care of his kid is no. Great shakes to begin with.
Get legal representation and see what your options are. He will have to support you and the kid anyway. Look for a woman’s group or divorce support group in you area to start planning.
Do the 180 to emotionally detach from him
Tell your friends and family and his family, make him accountable
From now on stop sharing evidence because you are putting him on notice before you have concrete proof.
Plant a VAR in his car, or keylogger on his computer/ phone
The tech use on TAM can help


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

I'm late to the party but I can tell you that him saying he called but didn't go through with it is a MASSIVE lie.

I knew some working girls in college. From my conversations with them, it takes a specific kind of man to hire escorts. Most men don't pay for sex. From what I gathered, most of their clientele were married men who had hired many many girls over the period of years without their wives knowing. You probably did catch him early but a phone call is proof that he paid someone for something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FireFaery said:


> Hi, I’m 31 and my husband 37 and we have an almost 2 year old together. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for 4 years.
> 
> We had been trying for a baby for years and it was getting really stressful and upsetting not getting pregnant, then one day he passed me his phone to use and when I went to use google it popped up with some escort sites that he had searched.
> 
> ...


So FF What is your next move?

How are you doing?


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## rdawg (Aug 30, 2015)

I haven't read all the other comments yet but just going off your post, by the searches he's doing he is definitely hooking up with escorts on business trips. Don't take his bs denial. You need to distance yourself and get out. What's the point of digging any further, you know in your gut and from what you've found what is happening.


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## FireFaery (Aug 13, 2019)

Thanks for all of the comments and support. I’m still in no better situation than I was when I wrote this really....he told me he told both our parents (so that he feels more accountable for what he’s done) but I honestly feel so ashamed by it all that I haven’t told them myself or even checked if he’s telling the truth...it’s so embarrassing that I’m such a bad wife that he’d do this to me and for so long. He’s adamant he’ll do a lie detector test and counselling, but he’s going through some health issues at the moment and is going for surgery this week so I’ve stuck by to keep our family together until the time we can do these...but I’m quietly dying inside. He’s been really nice to me lately and actively making an effort, saying how he didn’t appreciate me before but now does...I still can’t get past what has happened though and in my head I’m finding it hard to even look myself in the mirroring knowing how he’s treated me and how no one will ever love me because I obviously am not good enough/pretty enough to be loved fully...

I’m going to go to counselling for myself once his surgery is over, as I can’t carry on like this. Has anyone been through this before??? I feel like I’ll never be enough for him if I haven’t already been, so almost feels pointless doing couples counselling... I’m only really sticking around for my son and so that I can sort myself out, get things in place for me to start a new life (but that may take abit of time as iv got no car, no job, no house to go to...) I gave everything up to be a mum and follow my husband....I made the mistake of giving up my life for a family/husband so guess I mostly have myself to blame for this situation.

Every past relationship iv ever had iv been cheated on. I should have known better than to trust another man. Stupid me thought being married would mean something, but it obviously doesn’t. Why do people even bother getting married if they are just going to cheat...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

FireFaery said:


> Thanks for all of the comments and support. I’m still in no better situation than I was when I wrote this really....he told me he told both our parents (so that he feels more accountable for what he’s done) but I honestly feel so ashamed by it all that I haven’t told them myself or even checked if he’s telling the truth...it’s so embarrassing that I’m such a bad wife that he’d do this to me and for so long. He’s adamant he’ll do a lie detector test and counselling, but he’s going through some health issues at the moment and is going for surgery this week so I’ve stuck by to keep our family together until the time we can do these...but I’m quietly dying inside. He’s been really nice to me lately and actively making an effort, saying how he didn’t appreciate me before but now does...I still can’t get past what has happened though and in my head I’m finding it hard to even look myself in the mirroring knowing how he’s treated me and how no one will ever love me because I obviously am not good enough/pretty enough to be loved fully...
> 
> I’m going to go to counselling for myself once his surgery is over, as I can’t carry on like this. Has anyone been through this before??? I feel like I’ll never be enough for him if I haven’t already been, so almost feels pointless doing couples counselling... I’m only really sticking around for my son and so that I can sort myself out, get things in place for me to start a new life (but that may take abit of time as iv got no car, no job, no house to go to...) I gave everything up to be a mum and follow my husband....I made the mistake of giving up my life for a family/husband so guess I mostly have myself to blame for this situation.
> 
> Every past relationship iv ever had iv been cheated on. I should have known better than to trust another man. Stupid me thought being married would mean something, but it obviously doesn’t. Why do people even bother getting married if they are just going to cheat...


You are going to have to be very strong and think with the logical side of your brain and not the emotional side as the emotional side is going to keep you trapped in a very bad situation. You want to believe him, you want this all not to be true. You do not want to split up the family but in reality this is a man who has cheated on you and not just once, this sounds like he is an active serial cheater. This had NOTHING to do with you, how you look, what you gave him or what you could not provide for him. This is about HIM and his need to be with other women. It is not going to stop, no matter how much he tries to cover it up, deny it, admits to it. For this man it is an addiction just like any other type of addiction. he is getting a high from the chase and the variety. You gave him an ultimatum (you placed a boundary) and you need to honor your own words, I do not care if he is sick. The best time to make your point is when he is at his lowest, sorry but it is true. If you do not make good on your placed boundary of leaving if he did it again like you told him the first time you found out, he will know your words are meaningless and he will lose respect for you. Honestly, for a man to do this to his wife shows no respect in the first place. Do not put this man in a position to control you. By not taking action and just allowing this to continue, you have no possible way to change his behavior, and live with your head in the sand because you do not want to see the hurtful truth of reality it will hurt you to your very core. Rise above his poor behavior, take back what is yours, contact an attorney, get yourself counseling, go stay with a friend or family member or kick him out, and do not listen to his fake sob story. He will play on your sympathy. You need friends in your corner who will support you. If family or friends try to convince you to stay you need to stop seeing them as part of your support system. If you have a male friend, now is the time to contact him to get a male perspective and have him by your side. What your husband is doing is wrong, hands down and there is nothing he can do or say to make it right. You will not be splitting up the family and you HAVE to be very aware, your husband chose to violate the marriage. HE is the one who broke this marriage, not you!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FireFaery said:


> Thanks for all of the comments and support. I’m still in no better situation than I was when I wrote this really....he told me he told both our parents (so that he feels more accountable for what he’s done) but I honestly feel so ashamed by it all that I haven’t told them myself or even checked if he’s telling the truth...it’s so embarrassing that I’m such a bad wife that he’d do this to me and for so long. He’s adamant he’ll do a lie detector test and counselling, but he’s going through some health issues at the moment and is going for surgery this week so I’ve stuck by to keep our family together until the time we can do these...but I’m quietly dying inside. He’s been really nice to me lately and actively making an effort, saying how he didn’t appreciate me before but now does...I still can’t get past what has happened though and in my head I’m finding it hard to even look myself in the mirroring knowing how he’s treated me and how no one will ever love me because I obviously am not good enough/pretty enough to be loved fully...
> 
> I’m going to go to counselling for myself once his surgery is over, as I can’t carry on like this. Has anyone been through this before??? I feel like I’ll never be enough for him if I haven’t already been, so almost feels pointless doing couples counselling... I’m only really sticking around for my son and so that I can sort myself out, get things in place for me to start a new life (but that may take abit of time as iv got no car, no job, no house to go to...) I gave everything up to be a mum and follow my husband....I made the mistake of giving up my life for a family/husband so guess I mostly have myself to blame for this situation.
> 
> Every past relationship iv ever had iv been cheated on. I should have known better than to trust another man. Stupid me thought being married would mean something, but it obviously doesn’t. Why do people even bother getting married if they are just going to cheat...



You need counselling to stop taking the blame for your ****ty WH’s behaviour. it is not your fault! He is the morally deficient one. Who goes and sleeps with *****s when their wife is having their child? Tell the parents, expose him, where is your righteous anger? This in NOT your fault. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. His shame will get him on the straight and narrow in no time


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

FireFaery said:


> I should have known better than to trust another man....


....of my choosing.

Curious, which country did he bring you to?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So basically, because you have no self esteem, he has the right to do whatever he wants?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are not joined at the hip with your WH. He didn't cheat with prostitutes because you were a 'bad wife.' Lots and lots of people get cheated on. Does this mean that all of these people are deficient partners? Of course not.

If you had more confidence and a healthier view of the situation, you would see that he has endangered you and your child with his high-risk cheating. Have you been tested for STDs?

After you leave him, get some counseling to put this into a better perspective. You should be losing respect for him as a human being for what he's done, not berating yourself.


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