# Can someone help me explain this boundary to him?



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Last night we were having a talk, trying to move past some issues in our marriage, communicate better etc. 

Husband said "Guys bounce off their ideas or talk about their marriage with other girls/women".

I tried explaining that is totally not ok, a big recipe for disaster. This morning he said he didn't mean "marriage problems" but just marriage in general like telling his coworkers about our vacation. Clearly he doesn't understand what I'm saying. I meant marriage strife, problems, issues, things about me, things that are botering him about us/me are off limits. How can I clarify this so this boundary doesnt become an issue??


Some background that might help here:
---Husband recognizes he is kind of a NMMNG after I showed him the book. He only read part of it but sees how it describes him. 
---Husband works with mostly females, doesn't have any other friends. At one point I didn't like the friendship he had with one coworker, nothing happened, he and she were open to me about it all, but when I saw he was looking at her FB page a lot, it freaked me out and I said no more. He didn't like that, he placated me, after a year they were friendly again (not as much as before) but didnt tell me. i pieced it together when we were all at a party and then he admitted he was friendly, he didnt think it was wrong but didnt want me to flip out. This all happened when I gave birth to our baby until kid was about 3. So it was gradual. His reasons were they got along, he didnt have other friends here, they have the same humor, he didnt feel dumb asking her questions at work because he felt their knowledge was the same (whereas he thinks others are too 'smart' for him). Everytime this issue comes up he says how he is not close with his family and he wishes it was different--and that he wishes he had more friends. I agree with all of this but it doesn't allow me to be comfortable with their friendship. He said he thought of her like a sister, she is not attractice to him and they just got along well. 
---I admit I have insecurity, jealousy and abandonment issues. 
---Husband has been more transparent and open about everything and is trying to communicate better. In the past year he has not communicated with her at work unless necessary (according to him--I believe this). Its a bit awkward at work/kids parties but I have no choice except to deal. I'm kind of mad about the whole situation. If he kept a good distance but still friends and never lied it wouldnt be like this. 
---In the past few years she got remarried and had a kid (she was divorced, cheated on by her ex, when they first knew each other). He said in the past he felt badly for her. I dont tell him this but dont assume anything, she or may not be a victim and regardless it doesnt change MY feelings about being friends with her. 


He did start NMMNG, not just friends and hedges (all books) last year but didnt finish them. Granted we moved, Pregnant again and I just finished school but a little peeved he didnt read the books. We did do some MC together which has helped. I know some of these issues I created by my reactions and feeling jealous. Not an excuse for him to lie but I kind of see why he did (and after lied about dumb innocuous things). 

He said he is committed to make this work, communicate better, he's most closely emotionally attatched to me, he would never want to lose me etc. this is great, but I need to focus on actions. 


Any advice on how to make this time less stressful? I'm trying to be patient but still hurt from the past. I feel like part of me obssesses over it but part of me thinks we never dealt with it properly and skirted issues as life became very busy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yellowstar said:


> Last night we were having a talk, trying to move past some issues in our marriage, communicate better etc.
> 
> Husband said "Guys bounce off their ideas or talk about their marriage with other girls/women".
> 
> ...


Make him finish Not Just Friends and then revisit this issue. Tell him no discussions with other females about any aspect of your marriage until he does that. Once he does, you two can have a real talk about appropriate boundaries for both of you. I am not saying you don't have them, but working on them together for both of you may help him to better understand and follow them.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, you're between a rock and a hard place. 

While it's not true that "guys talk about their marriages with other women" in general, it sounds like you want your husband to stop interacting with the people he works with, which would not be fair to him. 

You clearly don't trust your husband. Your possible solutions are to find reasons to trust him, to become someone he wouldn't ever dream of losing, or to prevent him from having opportunities to interact with other women. You'll never be able to achieve the second one, especially with him working with women, so I would encourage you to focus on the other two.

You have some reason to doubt him right now because he was checking out her FB page. You can take steps to reassure yourself (or to confirm he's doing wrong) by watching his email or using a voice-activated recorder for a while, but I say this with a big yellow caution flag: you *will* sometimes hear things you don't want to and you will feel hurt by them. For instance, if he calls his brother and says, "Yeah, Yellow and I just had another one of those talks. She's always trying to change me and I'm sick of it. I just don't know if I want to be married anymore," you'll have a reaction that could worsen your marital problems. 

For this reason, I'd encourage you to be the kind of woman that other women can't hold a candle to. Wear your makeup and dress attractively (at least a little bit) often, and let him know it's so you'll look good for him. Stop expecting him to fix YOUR fears, but do let him fix other things, like that leak in the kitchen faucet. Never, and I mean NEVER, criticize or blame. Instead, take responsibility for your feelings and ask for actions. In short, be the woman who "gets" him. The one who understands what he dreams of and who goes out of her way to make him feel like he has it. The one who he can talk to without being worried she'll see him like less of a man, but instead, who reminds him why he's STILL a great man even when he has problems.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Well, you're between a rock and a hard place.
> 
> While it's not true that "guys talk about their marriages with other women" in general, it sounds like you want your husband to stop interacting with the people he works with, which would not be fair to him.
> 
> ...



Just to clarify, that whole FB thing happened years ago...he doesn't even have it anymore (not for awhile now). He doesn't talk to anyone about our marriage, I believe him about that. I think he was confused about what I meant when I said "not talking to others about our marriage"...he has never done that. When we FIRST started dating more than 10yrs ago, he made a joke once to a female friend that he ordered a drink called a relationship on the rocks...dumb joke but I told him back then it was NOT ok and he has never since done anything like that. 

I should say I DO trust him now, I am learning to trust more...its taking time. I think I need to work on this as MY issues (from being cheated on by a BF before him, some male family members leaving my life etc). I actually have done some "Trust but verify" stuff and found NOTHING. To me that says I need to let go of some of this...

He comes to me now when he has stuff on his mind, he is trying. I guess I need to be patient. I hope I don't screw this up, like a self fulfilling prophecy...of me thinking people always leave me. 

I want to be the best wife to him, I want to be better to him...and listen to him, not react. I feel pretty unattractive now while at the end of my pregnancy. I feel kind of lost


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What has he actually DONE in order to deserve the level of mistrust and skepticism you have regarding him?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Deejo said:


> What has he actually DONE in order to deserve the level of mistrust and skepticism you have regarding him?




I guess just this part:
At one point I didn't like the friendship he had with one coworker, nothing happened, he and she were open to me about it all, but when I saw he was looking at her FB page a lot, it freaked me out and I said no more. He didn't like that, he placated me, after a year they were friendly again (not as much as before) *but didnt tell me.*

Then a few months ago lied about a phone call that was completely innocuous from a different coworker. He said no one called him but he immediately told me yes someone called from work because I knew he was lying (I saw phone ring)...he said it was stupid, he has no idea why he did it, he just didn't want to deal with work and didn't want me to do the whole 20questions about it. And it was totally innocuous--its like he was afraid and didn't want to deal with my reaction but he apologized right away, continued to be transparent.


Those are the only things he actually *DID*...the problem is a lot me isn't it?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Well he emailed me some thoughts of his:

_
I know what is going on now and I can and will make steps to stop it and change it. I do what to stay with you and I want us to be good again. I know it’s going to take a lot of work and I don’t know if you will ever really trust me again.


I want to be clear when I say that I do not discuss issues about marital strife with anyone regardless if they are male or female. Things that I want to work on or things that bother me about us/me/you I keep to myself and discuss with you. I do not think talking about things that are not good in our marriage with anyone else is ok. What I meant was that it was ok to talk about the good parts of our marriage or to talk about stuff we are doing and the positive stuff.

I have to finish reading the book and I need to get professional help. There is a lot of me that need to be worked on and I can’t do it on my own. I know that.

I am with you because I love you and I want to be with you. There is no one I would rather be with then you. You make be a better person. I love being with you and X (our kid) and I am excited for the next member of our family.

I have a lot of regrets and I a lot of things I wished I had done differently. I can’t change the past, only work on making the future better._



I obviously liked hearing this. I do have emails from him the past though that talk about how he has to improve his communication. I think he has SLIGHTLY improved so I guess that's good...

I want to go by actions though. I know its not HIS fault for my past issues so I have to work on those myself. He has to be honest with me about everything though too, good & bad. I hope he DOES seek out IC for communication like he said he would...I shouldn't harp on this about it though right? Just sit back and see if he actually does it himself? How long do I wait until I say, "ok you still haven't, now I know you weren't serious?"...

Maybe I need to be more patient...


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Guess I'm dense or maybe missing something.

Sometimes, if a person (male or female) is badgered, beat up over, whatever, about phone calls or anything of the sort then they'll develop a passive defense mechanism. Usually comes out in the form of a responsive white lie. 

Scenario:
Phone call.
Wife: "Who was on the phone when I came in?"
Husband: [in mind - Crap she's going to go off] "wrong number babe".

Conditioned response. Pavlov. 


As far as speaking about the problems, etc. 

Who would you prefer he speak to?

I'm in a situation where I too work with many females. One is a very good friend. A sister of sorts. That's how we view each other. Siblings. We had some of the same stomping grounds in the Army. Similar experiences. She's also a Therapist. So form time to time. We provide each other with a person to vent to/with. Nothing more. Nothing less.

A critical component of conflict resolution is that the parties each need a separate party to discuss it with, other than the other involved party. It's how we get a sanity check. Like you being here.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Malpheous said:


> Guess I'm dense or maybe missing something.
> 
> Sometimes, if a person (male or female) is badgered, beat up over, whatever, about phone calls or anything of the sort then they'll develop a passive defense mechanism. Usually comes out in the form of a responsive white lie.
> 
> ...


yes you're right about the phone call part (pavlov response)...that's why I accepted his apology, I knew it was a response that I also helped create. It DOESN'T EXCUSE him, but it makes sense...so I'm moving past it (well trying to). I prefer he speak to a male friend (which he doesn't have) or a therapist...not another female. I don't know if that's right or wrong but I guess it does make me feel uncomfortable.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So, if I'm reading this correctly, you're posting now over things that happened years ago? Your post asked how to communicate your boundary, which means you want to see HIM make changes, yet you went on to say this is stuff from years ago that YOU need to work on. 

I think you're right - it's time to let go. 

You said you want to rely on his actions, not his words, but you also say he needs to work at communicating better. If he's like many men, his actions ARE his communication! If he's going to work to bring in enough money to support his family, and coming home every day instead of hanging with friends or at bars; if he's being a good coparent; if he's taking an active role at home... then he IS communicating loyalty and devotion. You can communicate your loyalty and devotion by giving him your trust and encouraging him to be a whole person - someone who has some friends, hobbies, and still loves his home life.

It's unfair to expect him to cut out half the world's population just so you'll feel comfortable.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> So, if I'm reading this correctly, you're posting now over things that happened years ago? Your post asked how to communicate your boundary, which means you want to see HIM make changes, yet you went on to say this is stuff from years ago that YOU need to work on.
> 
> I think you're right - it's time to let go.
> 
> ...



As dumb as this sounds, I NEVER thought about it this way. I never thought about his actions (like working for us, providing, taking care of kid, me, home stuff etc) as his way of communicating what is important.

I feel like such an eff up sometimes...every time I end up posting on here stressed, anxious etc I realize a lot of the problem is ME. I'm currently searching on the computer for therapists/providers from my insurance. Not sure what to focus on...relationship issues? Anxiety? Depression? Self esteem? Sounds like I am dealing with a combination of these :banghead::banghead:


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> As dumb as this sounds, I NEVER thought about it this way. I never thought about his actions (like working for us, providing, taking care of kid, me, home stuff etc) as his way of communicating what is important.
> 
> I feel like such an eff up sometimes...every time I end up posting on here stressed, anxious etc I realize a lot of the problem is ME. I'm currently searching on the computer for therapists/providers from my insurance. Not sure what to focus on...relationship issues? Anxiety? Depression? Self esteem? Sounds like I am dealing with a combination of these :banghead::banghead:


Yes, it sounds like you may have some anxiety and self-esteem issues. (Not enough info to say if you may have a depression.) I'm not a big fan of counseling necessarily. Even though I used to be a counselor, I've seen that the process is so focused on "empowering" people that it can cause as many problems as it solves. 

On the other hand, some things, like depression, can certainly be helped with counseling. 

For what it's worth, about 10% of our experiences in life lead to 80% of the problems we have as we go through our lives. If you can pinpoint why you are so quick to think of yourself as unworthy (who treated you that way in the past?) and make a decision to stop being loyal to THEIR way of thinking, you might benefit a lot without going to a counselor. 

I would encourage you to start with some verbal affirmations, and to keep using TAM. You'll find some tips on how to feel more positive and have more joy in an article I wrote, which actually advises people to STOP thinking that talking about their problems will help: 

Beat the Blues - 4 Steps to Change Negative Thinking


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Yes, it sounds like you may have some anxiety and self-esteem issues. (Not enough info to say if you may have a depression.) I'm not a big fan of counseling necessarily. Even though I used to be a counselor, I've seen that the process is so focused on "empowering" people that it can cause as many problems as it solves.
> 
> On the other hand, some things, like depression, can certainly be helped with counseling.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I will read the article. I have surrendered wife on my list too. 

I was depressed before & on meds, I finally went off...things seemed better. I was happy to be off of them while pregnant but maybe its become too much again. I know I have issues from the way my mom treated me growing up, my dad in and out of my life the whole time (and not so great to begin with), my brother dying and being cheated on by a boyfriend in college (and a destructive relationship to boot). Issues with identity, being a minority (and husband is not--I guess sometimes that causes me stress like I'm not good enough or something  ). At the same time, I'm an adult and can make better choices for myself, sometimes I'm feeling really great about myself and times like more recently, I feel like in a rut, the weight of the world on me, just down, jealous, insecure, crappy and stuck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

We don't have a "dislike" button here. ^


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Yellow,

I don't think anyone would suggest you're an eff up, as you put it or that you're wrong about anything. Please don't take it that way. 

You presented a situation. You have a concern. A feeling. Whatever label you want to use for it. With perspective from others you may decide to change your view of the situation. But that doesn't invalidate your feeling. Your feeling should be accepted and recognized. Then gain the wider perspective as you have here. Then reevaluate the situation and see if you still feel the same. So it's not that you were proven wrong or anything. You simply gained a broader perspective and have gained a new view of it all. 

A positive thing if you think about. You've grown through the process and exchange of ideas. So don't feel bad about asking the question. Feel good about that.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

I remember you now. You're the one who goes bat sh!t crazy on your husband who doesn't do anything wrong and who occasionally resorts to telling you a white lie just to keep the peace. 

Documented here ---> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?p=1663561#post1663561

Girl, you're still going on about this? You need to fix yourself and quit worrying about your husband. He's sounds like a good dude and you got way too any insecurities. Do you really want your young family to deal with that all the time?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Viseral said:


> I remember you now. You're the one who goes bat sh!t crazy on your husband who doesn't do anything wrong and who occasionally resorts to telling you a white lie just to keep the peace.
> 
> Documented here ---> HELP--need man's perspective on this before I really overreact & lose my mind
> 
> Girl, you're still going on about this? You need to fix yourself and quit worrying about your husband. He's sounds like a good dude and you got way too any insecurities. Do you really want your young family to deal with that all the time?



Yep, guilty as charged. Working on it...called some therapists today, waiting for call backs...


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Malpheous said:


> Yellow,
> 
> I don't think anyone would suggest you're an eff up, as you put it or that you're wrong about anything. Please don't take it that way.
> 
> ...



Thank you, I sincerely appreciate the advice/support.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When you read surrendered wife she discusses red herrings. A red herring is when you're feeling bad and you look to your husband to be the fall guy for it. You'll know if its a red herring if the thing that's bothering you isn't an all the time thing. 

Look I get insecure when my husband talks to women at work. In fact as we speak he's in a class with one that he's been talking a lot to about problems she's having. Read tam long enough and it's enough to make even the most secure person a bit crazy. Lol

But here's the thing I KNOW my husband adores me and seeing as he's completely open about her I take a deep breath and let it go.

If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat. That's out of my control. What I can control is being the best wife I can be. I'm nice, fun, a good mom, I do all the 5 needs, I speak his love language often, etc. If he did cheat that would make him a stupid man because I'm quite fabulous. I know there aren't many women who do what I do. Because of that I also know I wouldn't be alone long. 

So if he befriends a woman so what? I'm secure in how great I am. No worries.


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## mahasamoot (Jun 6, 2013)

I believe that you should always be positive towards you spouses and sexual partners. It's not cool to cut them down, and say bad things about them to others. You should always to polite and respectful when discussing issues with your SO, and never bring up a litany of old issues. 

Even after divorce, I describe my ex, "She's Like Marry Poppins, practically--but not quite--perfect, and I wasn't quite perfect either."

The biggest issue that was not quite perfect, her habit of cutting me down. I tried to explain to her, that she should show the same respect for me, that I showed for her. However, this was one habit that she never broke. That said, she really was wonderful in many ways--and even as we went through our divorce I admonished some of my family members not to speak ill of her.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> When you read surrendered wife she discusses red herrings. A red herring is when you're feeling bad and you look to your husband to be the fall guy for it. You'll know if its a red herring if the thing that's bothering you isn't an all the time thing.
> 
> Look I get insecure when my husband talks to women at work. In fact as we speak he's in a class with one that he's been talking a lot to about problems she's having. Read tam long enough and it's enough to make even the most secure person a bit crazy. Lol
> 
> ...



Thank you, I really appreciate it. I need to get back to this healthy mental state...I've been pretty down lately 



mahasamoot said:


> I believe that you should always be positive towards you spouses and sexual partners. It's not cool to cut them down, and say bad things about them to others. You should always to polite and respectful when discussing issues with your SO, and never bring up a litany of old issues.
> 
> Even after divorce, I describe my ex, "She's Like Marry Poppins, practically--but not quite--perfect, and I wasn't quite perfect either."
> 
> The biggest issue that was not quite perfect, her habit of cutting me down. I tried to explain to her, that she should show the same respect for me, that I showed for her. However, this was one habit that she never broke. That said, she really was wonderful in many ways--and even as we went through our divorce I admonished some of my family members not to speak ill of her.


Thanks for your thoughts.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Thank you, I really appreciate it. I need to get back to this healthy mental state...I've been pretty down lately


You're pregnant. It's allowed.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Thanks, I will read the article. I have surrendered wife on my list too.
> 
> I was depressed before & on meds, I finally went off...things seemed better. I was happy to be off of them while pregnant but maybe its become too much again. I know I have issues from the way my mom treated me growing up, my dad in and out of my life the whole time (and not so great to begin with), my brother dying and being cheated on by a boyfriend in college (and a destructive relationship to boot). Issues with identity, being a minority (and husband is not--I guess sometimes that causes me stress like I'm not good enough or something  ). At the same time, I'm an adult and can make better choices for myself, sometimes I'm feeling really great about myself and times like more recently, I feel like in a rut, the weight of the world on me, just down, jealous, insecure, crappy and stuck.


And yet, your husband obviously loves you and wants you to be happy together and with your growing family. 

You know you have his love, so start looking at what you're giving to him. Start by doing some reading on jealousy, grief, abandonment, whatever you think is the most important of all the feelings and thoughts you're having. Learn what things you do to project your issues onto him. Learn about self-sabotaging your relationships. Learn to recognize when you're over the top and stop yourself from playing 20 questions every time his phone rings by thinking instead of reacting.

You can't work out your own issues by shaping your husband into a man who doesn't trigger any of your fears. It's on you to understand your issues, truly acknowledge them to yourself in a way that is meaningful to you, see how your issues are negatively manifesting themselves in the way you behave toward your husband, and then actively change the way you are behaving toward your husband. 

It would really suck to always be accused of or treated like I'm doing something shady. If you love him, then love him enough to work on yourself first before expecting him to start changing.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You're pregnant. It's allowed.


Thanks  I am promising myself tonight I'm going to start making some changes for my mental health. Beyond counseling and reading books, find some ways to keep me upbeat and more positive. I don't want to hang out with me right now!



norajane said:


> And yet, your husband obviously loves you and wants you to be happy together and with your growing family.
> 
> You know you have his love, so start looking at what you're giving to him. Start by doing some reading on jealousy, grief, abandonment, whatever you think is the most important of all the feelings and thoughts you're having. Learn what things you do to project your issues onto him. Learn about self-sabotaging your relationships. Learn to recognize when you're over the top and stop yourself from playing 20 questions every time his phone rings by thinking instead of reacting.
> 
> ...



This is so helpful to me, thank you. You're so right, I don't want to project all my issues on to him. I keep telling myself, FOCUS ON ME! I can't change him, this is not all about focusing on him, focus on me! 

Thank you!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Thanks  I am promising myself tonight I'm going to start making some changes for my mental health. Beyond counseling and reading books, find some ways to keep me upbeat and more positive. I don't want to hang out with me right now!


As much work as I've done I'll never be 'upbeat' and 'positive'. It's just not who I am. I'm serious, quiet, introverted, moody, a thinker and I'm quite neurotic.

What I've learned to do is have peace and I've learned to love me for who I am NOW. Just because there is chaos and depression in my head doesn't mean it has to be expressed. When I'm feeling down I roll with it without dumping it on someone else. I sit with it and self soothe as much as humanly possible. I know now it will pass....it always passes.

This wasn't an easy thing for me to learn to do. Took me YEARS to get here. I never gave up and the work was totally worth it.


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## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> As much work as I've done I'll never be 'upbeat' and 'positive'. It's just not who I am. I'm serious, quiet, introverted, moody, a thinker and I'm quite neurotic.
> 
> What I've learned to do is have peace and I've learned to love me for who I am NOW. Just because there is chaos and depression in my head doesn't mean it has to be expressed. When I'm feeling down I roll with it without dumping it on someone else. I sit with it and self soothe as much as humanly possible. I know now it will pass....it always passes.
> 
> This wasn't an easy thing for me to learn to do. Took me YEARS to get here. I never gave up and the work was totally worth it.


You do sound fabulous, your husband is very lucky. I feel the same about myself. My man has a sight problem and I help him a lot. He even says he does not know what he would do without me and I know he adores me. I refuse to let myself get sick over something he may never do, and if he does do it he is going to do it no matter how upset I get. Thank you again.

I love what you said. I am also quiet, introverted, moody, a thinker and over analyze things. My man is the opposite. He is a talker, extroverted, never seems to get upset over anything. 

Not a day goes by that I don't get upset over something he does to the point where I have had migraines every day. Why do this to myself?

It is not easy to accept oneself. It seems I always feel I have to change into someone else to keep the peace. I find myself wondering why I cannot be more like him? Just go with the flow. 

What you said really really hit me square in the face and I thank you. Instead of hitting him with how I feel and dragging him down in my dumps I need to just sit, take a deep breath and just let it go. Like you said it always passes.

That does not mean I don't need to express my feelings but when it gets to the point where not an hr. goes by that I do not get hurt over some little slight he made that he does not even remember making? It is not worth the chaos and grinding depression I feel over it. Then when I do let it out I feel so badly afterwards that I am making our relationship miserable. That feeling is even worse than what I was feeling in the first place before I expressed it!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

DMZ1 said:


> Not a day goes by that I don't get upset over something he does to the point where I have had migraines every day. Why do this to myself?


I had migraines for 9 years until I learned to make peace with them too. The pain was trying to teach me something and once I learned to hear that message the pain went away.

I still have headaches but I embrace them now. I almost ALWAYS know the source and can usually talk myself out of them now.

If I can't I seek a chiropractor. I go every 1-4 months to relieve the stress I have inflicted onto my own body. 4 months is the longest I can go.

My therapist reminds me lovingly that I have ptsd which is a STRESS DISORDER. 

.....really should have thought it through before I decided to have 3 kids back to back. LOL


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## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I had migraines for 9 years until I learned to make peace with them too. The pain was trying to teach me something and once I learned to hear that message the pain went away.
> 
> I still have headaches but I embrace them now. I almost ALWAYS know the source and can usually talk myself out of them now.
> 
> ...


I had three kids back to back too. LOL!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

DMZ1 said:


> I had three kids back to back too. LOL!


This made me laugh out loud. LOL


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Great advice from the ladies. I am on the other side of this equation. Its very frustrating to be in this situation. 
I have gotten in a better place in my marriage but I can't tell you how tired I am hearing my wife can't trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

I could be missing something so take this with a grain of salt, but it doesn't seem to me that your husband is doing anything wrong. I am a guy so my thoughts could be in the minority but I don't know how much is too much when looking at a Facebook.

Facebook sometimes has feeds about things from works or maybe a problem the co-worker is going thru.

IMHO (yeah first time using just letters haha), your husband needs someone to talk to at work. it just makes work more bearable. It sounds like he hasn't done anything to warrant distrust, unless I missed something.

My thoughts are if you keep jumping on him for no reason you could push him away or into what you fear the most. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. I think you need to ease up on him a bit.

I mean no disrespect and I could have missed something. I just feel bad for him. He sounds like a stand up guy that is a good partner and father so maybe a little room to breath or tell him you are sorry for jumping on stuff all the time.


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## DMZ1 (Mar 17, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Great advice from the ladies. I am on the other side of this equation. Its very frustrating to be in this situation.
> I have gotten in a better place in my marriage but I can't tell you how tired I am hearing my wife can't trust me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can imagine how tiring it gets to have someone constantly not trust you. It pushes the man away.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

A good boundary to have is that neither of you would say anything to someone of the opposite sex that you would not otherwise say if your spouse were standing there. If he is not crossing that line, your own insecurities may be feeding your imagination.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Thank you, I really appreciate it. I need to get back to this healthy mental state...I've been pretty down lately


One thing you can do immediately is to find someone OTHER than your husband to talk to about this topic. Someone who you know will be honest with you even if it hurts. If you don't have that or a counselor, adopt a "wait and see what happens" approach. If you don't see solid evidence that the man pulled down his pants in the presence of another woman, just don't say anything! It isn't worth the harm to your marriage.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> One thing you can do immediately is to find someone OTHER than your husband to talk to about this topic. Someone who you know will be honest with you even if it hurts. If you don't have that or a counselor, adopt a "wait and see what happens" approach. If you don't see solid evidence that the man pulled down his pants in the presence of another woman, just don't say anything! It isn't worth the harm to your marriage.



Thanks, I like this idea. I'm afraid of opening up to a few friends about this because I hate to feel judged. I might tell one when we meet in person. Going to try and set up an appt with a counselor today too (well for the next week). The wait and see method is DEFINITELY something I need to work on, I tend to overreact and sometimes not think things through. I've been starting a bit already, instead of calling husband or emailing him at work about something, emailing myself (almost like a diary or note) to just write it down but not share it (yet)--and sometimes I just keep it filed for myself, NOT to share. Thanks again for your advice.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I give myself three days before I consider saying something. I've found that a LOT of my problems don't seem like problems anymore by the time three days has passed.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I give myself three days before I consider saying something. I've found that a LOT of my problems don't seem like problems anymore by the time three days has passed.



Makes sense, sounds like this could be effective  TY!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I can pretty much tell if I'm full of it in 24 hours. 3 days would be way too long for me to mull over my insecurities/issues. Not to mention the way I would be treating my husband during that time. I tend to get very silent... not even small talk works for me. 3 days of that would be unfair to him.

Everyone has their own time limits. For Kathy it's 3 days, for me it's 1. Yellow, you should try to find a happy medium maybe between the two.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Probably gonna get hung for my unpopular opinion, but here it goes:
If you need a take on the inner workings of a female mind, the last person you should ask is another dude.

So yes, I talk about relationship issues with women. Almost all my other guy friends do as well in one form or another. 

Is my wife mad, insecure, etc. of me talking to women about “our problems”? Hell yes. And she has every right to be so. It is a slippery slope that can lead to really bad things and bonding with others. 

The way I approach it with my wife is to just be blunt about it. I go through my boundaries, the rules I have for this, and generally what was discussed (which is always something I talked with her about first and didn’t trust the answers). I do tell her ‘other ways’ I get advice; Like here on these forums. But it can not replace face to face conversations and discussions. 

That’s where he is screwing up; He doesn’t want to tell you things that might upset you, so he lies and downplays to avoid it... but you still know and it just makes it look all that more shady. NG’s hide things that might upset our spouses; IM’s accept we do things that upset you and try to find ways that our true to ourselves, but help you find some comfort in it all where at least you know what is going on.


What’s scary for my wife... I monitor myself. She also can’t know if my intentions are purely noble or if there’s some sort of plea behind it hoping this woman will comfort me; All she has is my word on that. All I can really do is talk to my wife and be as open as possible about all it. She is free to reach whatever conclusions she wants. I’m just blunt as to my intentions and why. 

So, she can’t make me stop; She must accept that. That goes to the next step. What can she do or what does she need to keep this from driving her mad. That is what I am happy to help her with. 

What it always comes back to is trust. Do you trust him? Not particularly, because you know he lies. That is where I work with my wife... I don't give her reasons she should question my trust or where my head is at. If she ask, I tell her; Not what I think she wants to hear, but just the truth. And I will elaborate far enough until she can form her own opinion and take on it all.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Get yourself in good shape. I just get a vibe that you have some self-image issues that could be addressed by making yourself feel better which would help both of you.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Bobby5000 said:


> Get yourself in good shape. I just get a vibe that you have some self-image issues that could be addressed by making yourself feel better which would help both of you.


Yep I've been thinking about this a lot too. Soon as I physically can (currently 8months pregnant). I'm sure this has some to do with how I feel about myself right now too :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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