# Q's for the spouse of the addicted/compulsive



## chasing_rainbows

I'm curious, for those who have experience being married to an addicted/compulsive SO (drugs, alcohol, porn, etc.). When you come to them with your concerns about the effect it's having emotionally/physically on your marriage, and they want to "deal with it themselves", am I off base to think it will not be successful for them? Recovery doesn't happen overnight, I know, but does a professional always need to be involved for long term success?


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## oregonmom

A good amount of the time, "deal with it myself" means "get off my back, I'm fine".

Professional help isn't always needed; groups like AA, NA, SA, etc aren't professional but have helped countless numbers of people. 

Here is the thing tho - they need to want the help (professional or otherwise) for it to work. Nagging or making them do it isn't going to work. They need to hit their bottom and want to change for themselves.

What are you doing to help yourself? Have you attended any Al-Anon meetings? That is a good start. I know you are probably thinking "but it's not my problem, it's theirs", but it effects the whole family. You may not notice it just like the addict/alcoholic doesn't seem to notice their problem, or rationalize it that all the problems would go away if only this person did X Y and Z.

I'm talking in generalities since you didn't give any real specifics in your question...feel free to expand if you would like.


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## chasing_rainbows

oregonmom said:


> A good amount of the time, "deal with it myself" means "get off my back, I'm fine".
> *I think this is the case*
> 
> Professional help isn't always needed; groups like AA, NA, SA, etc aren't professional but have helped countless numbers of people.
> 
> Here is the thing tho - *they need to want the help (professional or otherwise) for it to work.* Nagging or making them do it isn't going to work. They need to hit their bottom and want to change for themselves.
> *I think you're right, and after an attempt to quit "cold turkey" that didn't last, the suggestion of either groups/professional still isn't something he thinks he needs*
> 
> What are you doing to help yourself? *Have you attended any Al-Anon meetings?* That is a good start. I know you are probably thinking "but it's not my problem, it's theirs", but it effects the whole family. You may not notice it just like the addict/alcoholic doesn't seem to notice their problem, or rationalize it that all the problems would go away if only this person did X Y and Z.
> *I've been seeing an LPC for a few months to see if maybe I was making a mountain out of a mole hill, but she just recommended Al Anon last week. I actually see it as a problem for both of us because of the change in our emotional relationship, there's been dishonesty about the problem and a physical change in the relationship. Basically, the words aren't matching the actions, if that makes sense. *
> 
> I'm talking in generalities since you didn't give any real specifics in your question...feel free to expand if you would like.


I figured I'd keep it simple to begin with.... I'm just trying to figure out how to maneuver this because I want to get back where we were before

at one point He said "I have a job, I don't beat you, I'm not sticking my **** in someone else, so......" which didn't sit well with me

he said he thinks we can talk to each other and didn't need to pay $$$ to do it

at this point, since he doesn't want counseling, I'm going to keep up my LPC, find an Al Anon chapter, to keep moving toward my goals (finishing a career change, getting a job, trying to curb my co dependency tendency) 

I know nagging won't make anyone want to seek help, but I wish it didn't haven't to "hit bottom", and maybe cause more damage


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## YinPrincess

I'm still trying to figure this one out. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chasing_rainbows

YinPrincess said:


> I'm still trying to figure this one out. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had a chance to see your thread, I hope you can find a solution/peace of mind soon
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Inabetterplace

Just left my husband after living with his drinking addiction for 30 + years and he also had the mind set "MANY" times; I can do this on my own. NOPE.....never worked. I used to get hopeful each time he went on the wagon but he never sought professional or AA help. I just couldn't take it anymore and had lost myself in the whole process. 

It's been a month now since I left our home and he says he's clean and going to AA. I started going to AL Anon a while back and it has help me in many ways. I pray that this time is the one for him but for me it was a little to late. 

Focus on you not the person with the problem. It will drive you crazy!! Prayers go out to you and your family.


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## chasing_rainbows

Inabetterplace said:


> Just left my husband after living with his drinking addiction for 30 + years and he also had the mind set "MANY" times; I can do this on my own. NOPE.....never worked. I used to get hopeful each time he went on the wagon but he never sought professional or AA help. I just couldn't take it anymore and had lost myself in the whole process.
> 
> It's been a month now since I left our home and he says he's clean and going to AA. I started going to AL Anon a while back and it has help me in many ways. I pray that this time is the one for him but for me it was a little to late.
> 
> *Focus on you not the person with the problem.* It will drive you crazy!! Prayers go out to you and your family.



I'm trying to do that.... but it's a hard habit to break thinking about him first, can I help, should I give him info on a group etc.

with the lies, I've lost trust in our relationship, he can't figure out why I want to go to MC, when you're lied to by the one person you should never have to doubt, you don't just get past it in a day.

My best friend recently moved home because of infidelity in her marriage, her XH is a real D bag, to this day he'll still tries to abuse her emotionally even 2 years after divorce. It was a rough time, but she's come out the other side such a strong, determined woman setting a great example for her daughter on what's acceptable in a relationship

I'm just wishing that he'd see the damage that's been done, still being done and ask for help, but like I said, my co-dependent tendency won't help him, I've got 2 more semesters on my degree and I'm aggressively looking for a job that pays the bills, i do not want to have to make a similar decision for my girls


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## oregonmom

Sorry for the late reply, I have been out of town.

This all seems pretty familiar to me unfortunately. I know exactly what you mean when you say the words don't match the actions, it is typical addict behavior.

My H has also said similar things about how his life is work and home and he's not doing anything wrong. Ultimately, he was having an affair amongst many other things. But it was all justified in his mind. 

I can't tell you how many times I have wished he didn't have to reach bottom to figure out how messed up everything was, but that is the addict mindset. Everything is justified until the secrets unfold and the mind starts to clear. It is very painful for those of us on the otherside to watch.

I am glad you are thinking about Al-anon, you can get the support you need from others that have been though the same things. It will really help with your co-dependancy and even more so the pain you are feeling watching someone you love do these things to themselves. It is much easier to cope when you have support of those who REALLY understand.

It is tough to seek out help ourselves when the "problem" doesn't seem to think they need it. But when the dynamics of the relationship change, the one who has the problem seems to start seeing it more clearly themselves. Bottom doesn't have to be divorce or legal problems or being homeless...that is what bottom looks like for a lot of people so we associate it with that. Bottom can very well be as simple as them realizing what they have done for years isn't going to work anymore because *we* have changed and they need to figure out a new way of life. They can start to see the damage done once *we* don't go in to smooth everything over and make things ok.

I'll just say too, it is fine to let him know you are going to Al-Anon, but don't say you are going because of him or to make him change or say it in a mean or vindictive fashion. He may give you a hard time about it but let him know this is about you. It is about you, you are not lying. 

There are a million other things I could say, but I'll stop there for now. Best of luck to you.


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## Blanca

chasing_rainbows said:


> I'm curious, for those who have experience being married to an addicted/compulsive SO (drugs, alcohol, porn, etc.). When you come to them with your concerns about the effect it's having emotionally/physically on your marriage, and they want to "deal with it themselves", am I off base to think it will not be successful for them? Recovery doesn't happen overnight, I know, but does a professional always need to be involved for long term success?


I felt like a professional had to be involved. Otherwise it's too easy for them to get lost in it. Plus, I needed to know he was working on it and not just bottling it up. My H would often say he wasn't feeling anything but then after his counseling session he would say that he had a lot more to talk about then he realized. It really helped prevent him from bottling things up.


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## Emerald

I guess some can do it alone but most cannot.

In my experience with addicts, "something" needs to replace the addiction & that is why AA is so successful. Meetings & calling sponsors replace drinking.


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## LFin

Dealing with this also. Recently discovered my husbands pain pill addiction. He had been stealing my dads (and many other peoples) medication when we visited them. They noticed and set out a camera to see who was doing it. He admitted to having a problem and said when he sees pills he can't help but take them. I felt this was not something he could handle on his own. It may seem wrong but we threatened to turn in the tape to his work (military) if he did not get help. Went through a rough time, but he thanks us for it now. Like others have said, usually the addiction gets moved to something else so make sure it is something positive. They told my husband not to drink for a while because of this. Good luck!

Oh and also, if they get help they are tested to make sure they are staying on track. At my husbands meetings they all get randomly drug tested and have to use a breathalyzer. This is helpful with us because my husband was lying constantly about his use.


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## chasing_rainbows

Well, we've talked about the issue a lot because I just don't get the impression he really sees how it's changed my trust in him. Beyond the main issue of "compulsive" behavior, he's gotten in to the habit (or maybe I'm just noticing it with the change in behavior) of lying about little things, leaving on time from work, but getting home later than expected. I think they're mostly a result of wanting to have a little "free time" to indulge in his compulsion. We had the last big talk, calm no yelling, about 6 weeks ago and I told him that the behavior over the past year has been the reason for my aggressive job search. If your wife tells you that your actions have made her feel like she needs to find a job to support herself, that couldn't be any more clear on the effects on your marriage, right? 

He knows that I know what he's been doing, the things he's lied about and where I stand. Luckily, he sucks at lying so I told him that I can absolutely tell when I'm being lied to. All I can do is go from here with the hope that he thinks before he lies. At this point, I can only try to put more focus on what I want to accomplish with finding a job and working on myself to be happy.


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## Samcro

i been dependant on oxycontin for 6 years and the last year is what basically is ruining my marriage. since i did research on what pain meds do to you and your mind i was shocked. i was a zombie, devoid of all emotions and didnt care. a fight would happen and i would just nod and agree and then pop another pill and wash the pain away. 

since she said she is really done with me i actually did something. its hard for an addict to take a hard look at yourself. when i did i was embarrassed. while my wife doesnt believe that all my issues and emotions was from my meds. since i sought help i been a new man. i can actually think and feel real emotions and i actually cried more in the last few weeks, then i ever did in my life. i am on suboxone for detoxing and this stuff is amazing. wish i did it sooner. while i am changed and different man, its hard for my wife to let me back in her life and believe me that i am changed. i hope time will help her. 

as a person who was addicted/dependant on opiates. you have to be tough and drag the person out of the addiction and let him/her see the damage they are doing and the pain in the others eyes is very sobering. i just wish i could have seen it sooner.


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## Miss Taken

My common-law husband, who I have been with for nine years with one son and one on the way is an addict. Up until recently, I was really codependent. I realized about a year ago or so about how far in denial I WAS about his addictions. 

I don't want to hijack this thread but thought I'd share my experience so far:

When we met in 2003, I was quite young (only sixteen and he was twenty-five which is legal in Canada) and he was a functional alcoholic. I was naive about this due to being quite young at the time. I thought, we met on his vacation, people party and drink - we're both young etc. We moved in very fast together - practically were instant roommates and he fell for me and fell hard and fast. 

That summer, we drank quite a bit together. I was drinking with him because he was drinking, we had friends around the house all the time and I figured again, we were both young, it was summer.... you get the gist and I continued to explain away the drinking and justify it all.

When I got pregnant I obviously had to quit drinking. I had no problems doing so. He drank during most of my pregnancy but stopped/tried to stop about a month before my son was born.

My spouse is the type that you could never tell if you hadn't seen him drinking, that he was drunk. He was coherent, agreeable, behaved with good judgment etc. when he drank. He also didn't drink in an amount that I considered that excessive at the time - a six-pack of beer, maybe 7 if he bought a case and he's a man so metabolized it well enough. 

Him drinking was not really a visible problem -- it was him trying to stop. He couldn't sleep, got the shakes, had night sweats, had anxiety attacks and was irritable etc. when he went without a drink. It took me a while to catch on but then I realized he was an alcoholic - just a functional one. Still, I figured, better a "functional alcoholic" than a raging one and never really addressed his issue.

Three years ago, he quit drinking on his own but has not addressed his underlying issues with anxiety or addiction. Nor has he gotten professional help. He has merely substituted one addiction for another. 

To quit drinking, he started using a supplement called "Phenibut" and is now addicted to that. To try to quit Phenibut, he started consuming porn in larger and larger quantities. I was in the dark about the porn for years and the Phenibut up until last year.

Confronting him about his addiction to Phenibut only made him hide it better on me. I did try urging him to get help for his alcoholism and phenibut addictions. He is still convinced he can do this by himself but he is still in denial about not being able to stop. He always hid the extent of the porn but not that he watches it from me. 

Last week, I learned the truth about the extent of the Phenibut and Porn addictions. I found almost 350 GB of porn on a secret HDD, more on his lap-top, a paid live webcam site and an Internet history that shows numerous free sites that he goes to on a daily basis as well. He is in complete denial that this is a problem for him and doesn't want help. 

To make matters worse, he's trying to act out his porn addiction by having affairs/intimate encounters from online dating sites. 

He denies he has a problem and is denying the affairs and thinks if he does have any problem, he can stop on his own. I kicked him out last weekend. 

I think it's a common theme for addicts to think they can stop on their own. My sister was addicted to crack cocaine up until two years ago when she finally went to rehab but it took her going on her own to stop. She'd already hit what other people would consider to be bottom countless times (jail, getting raped, beaten up, prostitution, homelessness etc.).

I think confrontations can get the ball rolling and they need to happen if not for the addict but for the people being impacted by the addiction. However, addicts ultimately have to be willing to stop on their own - whether it's drugs, porn, alcohol, shopping or smoking. You can't do it for them but you can change the impact it has on your life.


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## Miss Taken

My common-law husband, who I have been with for nine years with one son and one on the way is an addict. Up until recently, I was really codependent. I realized about a year ago or so about how far in denial I WAS about his addictions. 

I don't want to hijack this thread but thought I'd share my experience so far:

When we met in 2003, I was quite young (only sixteen and he was twenty-five which is legal in Canada) and he was a functional alcoholic. I was naive about this due to being quite young at the time. I thought, we met on his vacation, people party and drink - we're both young etc. We moved in very fast together - practically were instant roommates and he fell for me and fell hard and fast. 

That summer, we drank quite a bit together. I was drinking with him because he was drinking, we had friends around the house all the time and I figured again, we were both young, it was summer.... you get the gist and I continued to explain away the drinking and justify it all.

When I got pregnant I obviously had to quit drinking. I had no problems doing so. He drank during most of my pregnancy but stopped/tried to stop about a month before my son was born.

My spouse is the type that you could never tell if you hadn't seen him drinking, that he was drunk. He was coherent, agreeable, behaved with good judgment etc. when he drank. He also didn't drink in an amount that I considered that excessive at the time - a six-pack of beer, maybe 7 if he bought a case and he's a man so metabolized it well enough. 

Him drinking was not really a visible problem -- it was him trying to stop. He couldn't sleep, got the shakes, had night sweats, had anxiety attacks and was irritable etc. when he went without a drink. It took me a while to catch on but then I realized he was an alcoholic - just a functional one. Still, I figured, better a "functional alcoholic" than a raging one and never really addressed his issue.

Three years ago, he quit drinking on his own but has not addressed his underlying issues with anxiety or addiction. Nor has he gotten professional help. He has merely substituted one addiction for another. 

To quit drinking, he started using a supplement called "Phenibut" and is now addicted to that. To try to quit Phenibut, he started consuming porn in larger and larger quantities. I was in the dark about the porn for years and the Phenibut up until last year.

Confronting him about his addiction to Phenibut only made him hide it better on me. I did try urging him to get help for his alcoholism and phenibut addictions. He is still convinced he can do this by himself but he is still in denial about not being able to stop. He always hid the extent of the porn but not that he watches it from me. 

Last week, I learned the truth about the extent of the Phenibut and Porn addictions. I found almost 350 GB of porn on a secret HDD, more on his lap-top, a paid live webcam site and an Internet history that shows numerous free sites that he goes to on a daily basis as well. He is in complete denial that this is a problem for him and doesn't want help. 

To make matters worse, he's trying to act out his porn addiction by having affairs/intimate encounters from online dating sites. 

He denies he has a problem and is denying the affairs and thinks if he does have any problem, he can stop on his own. I kicked him out last weekend. 

I think it's a common theme for addicts to think they can stop on their own. My sister was addicted to crack cocaine up until two years ago when she finally went to rehab but it took her going on her own to stop. She'd already hit what other people would consider to be bottom countless times (jail, getting raped, beaten up, prostitution, homelessness etc.).

I think confrontations can get the ball rolling and they need to happen if not for the addict but for the people being impacted by the addiction. However, addicts ultimately have to be willing to stop on their own - whether it's drugs, porn, alcohol, shopping or smoking. You can't do it for them but you can change the impact it has on your life.


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## chasing_rainbows

I really appreciate the replies from those on both sides of this issue. I am lucky that our situation hasn't gotten to the point of the extremes of your experiences, and sharing your stories makes me feel better about trying to change our course now, instead of letting it get more and more difficult. Like anyone dealing with this type of situation, you just don't want to let the person you love get to rock bottom, but sometimes that's what it takes, unfortunately.


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## Sara Ann

For an addicted person, that bottle or pill is their lover. How do you get someone to give up their lover? Plus, that lover numbs their emotions, makes them go thru horrible withdrawals when taken away. 

People change when the fear of living without the drug/bottle is less than the pain of living with it, or something like that. For me, it was all the time it took, all the money spent, that was gnawing at me for years. Take another pill, forget about it.

Then, when my second son started looking at colleges, and I went with him, I realized how distant I felt from life and what I needed to do. I valued their education so much. So I got on suboxone. I took that for 6 months. It took 1 year to normalize my emotions. Which is surprising, because I am this very 'together' person who never cried in 20 years and handled everything. I got very emotional, it was bad.

Other things that would have made me quit would be my family knowing about it and telling me I had to stop. I was too embarassed to tell them so I hid it and got away with it for 10 yrs. It was norcos, so I wasn't going around dozing off, etc.

There is nothing wrong with loving someone. Just find your own boundaries. Read The Forgotten Five Steps by T. Walsh. It's an ebook that is also available online. The back is for the family member. It talks about why people choose a substance, what they get out of it, why they don't stop. It cuts to the core. It understood me the way the AA and NA books never could.


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