# Am I fooling myself?



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well, I've been married 24 years (2 kids) to my HS sweetheart. He's a pretty great guy/father but the last 8 months or so, it's been a rock road in our marriage dept. For the first time, this normally very happy guy has a crisis. "I am no longer in love with you" but I love you came out of his mouth in Oct. 08. Jan. 09, we went to couples counseling and he wants a divorce in the "future." 

Neither of us have ever cheated nor are we addicted to porn/substances/etc. Anyways, we've lived a pretty calm, comfortable life. Yes, we've had stressors but who hasn't?

Now, he state he wanted a divorce and was generally unhappy. I've been nice and kind, not desperate. I did state that I did NOT want a divorce and he'd have to proceed. Over the last several months, I have been in LIMBO....not knowing when he was going to let the axe fall on our marriage. Everything, in our marriage is the same...schedules, time with family and kids, activities. However, we have been disconnected for 8 months.

This weekend, I could TAKE NO MORE. I told him, that he was so unhappy and angry looking. I was worried for him. I told him that if I have to start proceeding with the divorce, then I would do it (even though I told him before that it was on his hands). I would like to be out by Aug. 1st. I cried all day, on and off. He/we felt lousy and we even attempted to have SEX!! It was very emotional.

We are more touchy than ever in bed. Spooning, arm over each other, etc. was never out thing in bed. Now, it's like we are looking for confort. 

Sunday (next day), he is MR. Happy!!! Either I have relieved him of the pressure cooker environment of proceeding with the divorce. Or, he's flaking out on me. I don't know what to think. He is so afraid of hurting me or the kids, he's doesn't tell me what's he's thinking for the most part. 

Am I fooling myself....thinking he's having a change of mind?


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

he sounds like how my husband was when he first mentioned divorce, we started getting all cuddly again just like you guys. he seemed alright. fast forward a year and we're getting divorced. that fun time we had after he 1st mentioned it only lasted a couple of weeks. 
wish for the best, but don't get your hopes up


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I don't think you are fooling yourself. Has he said why he didn't believe he loved you anymore? But i'm never quite sure myself about anything in life at times. Sounds like you were and are handling it well. If you need to get out of limbo you should continue with pursuing the filing and at least gaining some control of the situation from your end. I'm not saying that you even would go through with it, just it might make it easier on your mind to think clearly being the proactive one.

Maybe he was in a some sort of funk and your statement snapped him out of it. I would see where it leads, but at any sign of falling back into the routine of the last 8 months occurs then I would proceed with your previous statement to ensure he knows you mean. 

Just my thoughts -- I'm no expert.


----------



## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

What happened 8 months ago to bring this on?

I have learned that people in long term relationships do fall in and out of love with each other at times. The problem is...this get too comfortable and we lose sight of what brought us together int he first place. You can get this back on track, but it takes work form both sides. Find sometime for some spontaneous, non scheduled fun time together. Do something silly that you wouldnt normally do because "you are adults" and "adults dont do things like this". Find some time for just the 2 of you...no kids...no expectations of each other..find the friend that you once had in him, be silly for a day or a weekend, it does wonders to the soul


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I said 8 months ago...that was when he said "I love you, but I am no longer i love with you." However, we both went through a crisis with our son about a 1 year ago. Our household was stressed since then, due to the crisis. Not much relationship stuff happenening. Then 8 months ago things began the unraveling....the time the stock market began it's crash (my husbands in the financial business). It was highly stressful on him. I remained supportive and suggested counseling. He began in November thankfully. 

In Jan. we began couples counseling. My intent was to work on the marriage and get it right. A month later, his intent was to get a divorce. From then on couples counseling revolved around how a divorce might look, what the setup might be, how my daughter and son will be affected etc. That would have been ok. However, we only talked regarding our relationship during the session. He never gave me a time frame, a plan, etc. I was in LIMBO. Add the pained look on his face and negative comments "you must hate me" "I am sorry" "I love you." It was too much. A few weeks ago, I said I was no longer attending couples counseling. My ind. counselor and I feel like it's emotional abuse.....waiting for the axe to fall and living in his darkness at the same time. What's the point?

I began to move the ball. I just couldn't handle his demeanor, sadness, and lack of trying. That is what led to my discussion last Saturday.

We both love each other dearly. I KNOW he loves me. That is the sad thing.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Corpus,

Have you told him that you support him in life etc. I let stress from running my own business through this time get to me over the last year or so to the point that I was withdrawing from my wife who loves me dearly. By withdrawing I mean moping around when I was home. Feeling that she hated me or would hate me for not delivering for her any my son what I want to provide for them. I was ashamed that I wasn't delivering as much as I wanted for her and my son (my pride was damaged) which for a person like me created a worse feeling of fear of failure and what it might mean to the relationship. This led to further withdrawal, an endless cycle that I got into. 


Since my time on this forum I read a book entitled "The Five Love Languates" by Gary Chapman which was suggested on many threads. It showed me that someone like me needs to hear things the most like "I supoort you no matter what happens", etc. to know that she loves me and some actions by her. For her words don't seem as important as much as quality time and physical touch.

I was afraid and kept looking at things like the glass was half empty not allowing myself to enjoy life. Now I'm trying to do that and it is helping us immensely. It is hard for me, but she and my son are worth the effort.

Maybe something like that is happening to him. I don't know, just seeing something similar in him to me. I would still keep the heat on him, my wife did to me although we've never discussed the D word. 

Hope this helps

It is taking time for this and we might never be back totally together.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Feeling Alone: Thanks for the response.

I have read "The five love languages." Good book.

I have been extremely supportive and verbal with my support for 24 years. I have always told him how grateful I was for.....A few days ago, I told him how I loved him unconditionally, even if the divorce occurs. He is a special person and in my heart I will always love him. The next morning, he said he understand and agreed with what I said.

I can't pinpoint his problems. It is like he is lost. We don't even argue...we aren't into the drama thing. However, I feel that he is emotionally stunted.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Corpuswife,

Has he read the Five Love Languages? Keep trying to get him to open up some how. Maybe have him write down what he wants from you to see if he even knows. I'm assuming that you are both in your early to mid forties -- so maybe it is that mid-life crisis crap. That was also part of my issue. I just know that if he can't be happy with himself it will be hard on you to watch him be miserable. Keep pushing.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

No he hasn't read the book or any self-help book for all that matter.

Yes, he is 45 and I'm 43. 

I've asked what he wants from our relationship. He is so emotionally stunted and can't even pinpoint what he wants or even begin to explore that avenue or even talk to me about it. He is desperately afraid of hurting me and our children. 

I've pointed things out to him along the way. He listens and thinks. He never has much of a response. Emotionally stunted is a good word. It's funny, he was emotionally stunted in a different way-always happy. Now, it's different.

He states that he wants to be "alone." My question is..."how do you see yourself in the future?" He's alone and doesn't see much. He bikes (road race) and works. It doesn't sound much to run to-being alone.

Feelingalone its great to talk to someone with some similiar thoughts. When did you feel that your mid-life crap start turning toward a more positive light?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

When my wife literally woke me up after a year or so of telling me, she took action. She said do this by this date or else. I didn't quite make it and she said you need to stay some where else during the night for a week. That is when the light went on. Then we had some talks which really sunk home. She was looking for the old me and some how I lost it. She said you can only live for today and that has finally sunk in. I've mostly quite my moping and read the book which really hit home for me about my life. And being on here reading and looking has helped as well. It just seems to boil down to each spouse needing to be happy with themselves and connecting with each others languages and the rest is easy so to speak. I'm working on myself for myself first and then my wife and then my son. 

I'm no expert but that is how it seems to me.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

By the way, I really hate knowing I hit Mid-Life. My w isn't there yet and I hope I can be as strong as she has through all of this.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Damn, 24 years and now this. I know it hurts. A lot. 

I don't have any real advice...just commiserating.  I just wonder if it's ennui with life or marriage in general. Mid life crisis? 

Marriage and commitment takes effort...for your whole life. Is he getting tired of the effort? Is there a reason for that? How have you treated the marriage? Just questions...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

dcrim: Yep, it hurts like h...!

I'm not sure if it's life or marriage or mid life crisis? My hunch is that he's reevaluating his life...as I have years before during my depression. He's reevaluating and figures that he'd be happier "alone." 

After 24 years of marriage. We've had a pretty smooth ride. We are both good, loyal, honest people that love our children. We have never been fighters looking for drama. Always a team until now. 

My depression wasn't a terrific thing to live through (either one of us). Perhaps our focus wasn't always on the marriage but the family. That isn't so unusual.

I am so tired of overanalyzing my marriage. I just want to fix it and move on. I hate dwelling. However, once we were in marriage counseling....it turned from working on the marriage to how to prepare for a divorce. He just didn't see a future.

In the meantime, I told him it's your divorce, your idea, and you will have to follow through. Well.....Mother's Day wekend, I would take no more and told him that I still didn't want the divorce but I couldn't be in LIMBO. I couldn't watch the pain in his face everyday. I still love him and he loves me. However, I am the one moving out once we tell the kids and give them time to digest it. (June).

I still pray that he will come to his senses but I can't live my life with a person that won't communicate or work on the marriage. I can't live with a person in pain who won't do something about it. He told me he wanted a divorce but didn't know how or when. What was a I supposed to do? Wait for the axe to fall? Wait for one of us to have an affair, down the line, because we are lonely?

I don't know. I still have questions myself.


----------

