# Wife's Weight/Figure



## back9 (Dec 14, 2009)

I came across this website by accident by doing a broad google search about marriage. I am glad I did. 

Anyways, I have a curve ball to throw out to everyone. When my wife and I first got married, she was a size zero. 3 kids later she is a size 4, borderline 2. She doesn't like her figure (she says she has stuff hanging everywhere and doesn't like looking in the mirror), but I love it! I love her curves and find them very huggable, not to mention an extreme turn on. 

The problem is my wife wants to go back to her old size and says she is doing it for her, which will increase her uninhibitedness with me, so it is a win-win. She has started working out religiously and it already shows. She has also changed her diet where we can't eat together because she refuses to eat meals cooked at home (not lean enough and doesn't want to give kids too lean and boring meals) and won't eat out other than Subway. For dinner she has All Bran cereal. Tonight she ordered pizza for the kids and me, but wouldn't have it herself. 

This is all getting to me. I vascillate between encouraging her (if it makes her feel good) and getting annoyed by this (perhaps out of selfishness?). However, whether rightly or wrongly, I am finding the "new" her less attractive physically and my sexual drive for her has dimished slightly. (She has also finished breastfeeding, so combined with the workout, her chest has decreased in size). 

So there it is: am I being selfish? We aren't talking about an overweight woman turning into an anorexic. These aren't extremes, but for me they might as well be. If I am true to myself, I might be feeling threatened by this sudden change or somehow unhealthy because I eat the pizza (or am expected to), but she doesn't.

When I say I want to work out she says fine but she loves me no matter how I look. If that is supposed to be enough for me, why isn't it for her? 

Has anyone ever dealt with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Does it matter to her what you think of her appearance? Or does she think you are just lying to make her feel good?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

As long as she isn't doing anything unhealthy or extreme, I would think building up her own self-image and confidence should outweigh you being slightly less attracted to her.

Why do you say you want to work out? If you really do, just start doing it...I am far more critical of my own body than I am of my husband's...extra pounds on him wouldn't bother me or turn me off...but seeing myself that way is not cool...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Size 0 is a bit thin. Well to me anyway.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Anything my wife does that is healthy I totally support. Eating/exercise etc. 






back9 said:


> I came across this website by accident by doing a broad google search about marriage. I am glad I did.
> 
> Anyways, I have a curve ball to throw out to everyone. When my wife and I first got married, she was a size zero. 3 kids later she is a size 4, borderline 2. She doesn't like her figure (she says she has stuff hanging everywhere and doesn't like looking in the mirror), but I love it! I love her curves and find them very huggable, not to mention an extreme turn on.
> 
> ...


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

We're soley responsible for how woman perceive themselves LuvMyH? What else are us men guilty of: global warming, Macey's closing, Steeler's loosing streak? Come again. Women are far harder on other women's appearance than we "men" could ever dream of being. 

She feels compelled to loose this weight because of her husband? Please, if us men folk had amazing psychic powers that could influence the delicate and gossamer webs that make up a woman's brain; I assure you there would be no men complaining on this forum about a lack of physical affection from their wife. Just one man's opinion. LIL


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I don't get it. Just don't feel like we have a full picture here. So what kind of shape are _you_ in?

As males, I don't think anyone would argue that we all have a 'sweet spot' in terms of what visually grabs and holds our attention - and it isn't universal.

But to your point, this is the same behavior that many men experience as their wives _gain_ weight that substantially alters their appearance. 

So basically, she is trying to get back to where she was previously - where I'm assuming you found her desirable, and you are feeling conflicted?

Is this more about her commitment and behavior than her actual appearance?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I'm guessing that this isn't merely about appearance. Yes, most guys like a little curve to the behind, and Robin Williams's summary of one upside to pregnancy was "the Tit Fairy came!" But nearly all guys have a range of attractive body shapes, and a woman anywhere in that range is great. She's going back to the shape she had when you first got married, and presumably you liked her then.

I'm going to suggest that this isn't about appearance as it is about behavior: it sounds like your wife was easygoing, and she's suddenly become high maintenance. If the kids get a coupon for a free Happy Meal, you can't just go to McDonald's for lunch: you have to go to Subway first and smuggle that sandwich into McD's. Saturday used to be "sleep in late and have pancakes day", where you'd get up slow and cuddle under the covers as the kids came in one at a time. Now it's "she gets up at 8 and runs five miles and we have pancakes while she eats a whole wheat bagel with no cream cheese".

If that's the case, you can take heart that once she gets to her original size, she may back off a bit. If she gets to size zero and stays there for six months, maybe she'll figure that eating one slice of pizza won't turn her into Totie Fields, so she'll be less insistent on only eating her special rabbit food everywhere you go.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have no idea if this is the scenario or not, but what I do know, is that fitness can be a funny thing.

There are those that are relatively passive about fitness, and those that are not.

If you have a partner that is suddenly counting calories, measuring protein, fats and carbs, scheduling workouts, and declining to go out to dinner or have cake and ice cream at birthday parties ... while the other partner is interested in absolutely NONE of these things, it can cause friction in lots of ways.

I have seen insidious cases where the non-working out partner _didn't_ want the gym rat (either male or female) to succeed, because their success was threatening. So they either marginalize their efforts, or accuse them of being 'too into it' and going overboard. 

Not saying this is back9's case, but it's something to be aware of.


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## mrnice (Aug 11, 2009)

My wife is a size 6. WHich is pretty damn skinny and small. She always says to me, "I'm getting fat" "Im not eating dinner im on a diet" 
Man WTF my wife is hot, skinny and sexy. I know a lot of guys including my mates think im very lucky to have such a hot wife etc. 
I always tell her she's hot and she loves it. I can't tell her every minute of every day but when I get on a role in telling her on a weekly basis she goes back to eating properly.
DUDE, ITS A FEMALE THING just go with it.


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## back9 (Dec 14, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I have no idea if this is the scenario or not, but what I do know, is that fitness can be a funny thing.
> 
> There are those that are relatively passive about fitness, and those that are not.
> 
> ...



Thanks everyone...got pulled away for work and a family vacation thereafter, so I couldn't respond earlier. Deejo's comments above hit the mark perfectly now that I have had some time for introspection. 

The key word in your post is "threatened", and the story goaes beyond exercising since my original post. 

My wife and I got married fairly young and she had our first child at age 22. Prior to our marriage she lived with her parents and came from a rather conservative family. While they opened up with her younger sister, they were strict with her.

Needless to say, she never really had her own time to experience life, while her sister went on trips with friends, off to a different country for college and grad school, married a younger man, etc. 

In any case, for the past 10 years of our marriage she has been self-sacrificing to a fault and it seems like it is finally catching up with her. She has seen her female friends who remained single or married late and delayed having children go on to become successful entrepreneurs, investment bankers, docts, etc. Even those with kids are trying to do some businesses or other things on the side and she was one to commit herself, alomst martyr herself, to her family. Her sister is married without kids and with a job. She now feels what she did, child rearing is inferior and feel somewhat diminished.

She hit 30 recently and I think is going through her own mid-life crisis about where she is in her life. Taking stock of it, it seems she is "bitter" to use her words. The bitterness stems from her total commitment to the children at the cost of her own life, and she says, our married life as a couple.

Hence, she is working out, for herself, she has now started to go online to facebook to chat with old friends, she has a blackberry and messages friends all the time now. We are supposed to go to Hong Kong for our 10th wedding anniversary later this month, and she has suddenly surprised me by saying she wants to go a day ahead of me to rest, sleep in, buy things for our wedding anniversay celebration (candles, etc.) and just generally do such things alone.

I am hurt by all of this. If I am true to myself, while I do appreciate her body the way it is more than when we got married (primarily because I am a chest man and I know her chest will get smaller by exercising, and I like a woman with curves), I think my concern with her exercising is symptomatic of a larger concern which is being validated by all of these other things. This new bout of idenpedence and selfsihness (her own words) is not anything like her since I have known her - pre-marriage as well. I am not sure where it is leading and that frightens me. While she is never going to be the type that cheats or leaves, of that I am certain, I am concerned about what our relationship will be and whether I will be secure in it the way I was and what she now expects of it. Will she now want to take trips to different locations ahead of me and the family to get personal time? She says she has a friend, a new friend, who loves her kids and husband but doesn't let them define her, and maybe that friend is rubbing off on her. 

I am struggling with being supportive of her needs, most of which I don't feel are unreasonable. She herself says I am partly having to now suffer for the way her parents brought her up, and while it isn't fair, it is how she feels.

If this was her when we got married, and fell in lvoe, so be it. But the changes to the relationships I thought I knew trouble me. I just can't get beyond my own issues to get to the point where I can wholeheartedly support these manifestations of a larger change in her outlook, or the outlook itself for that matter.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, back9, this is so full of insight. Your wife has changed and grown in ways that are, frankly, normal. 

You are right to realize that a LOT depends on how you handle this. 

First, take the only bit of wisdom I can find in the "dominant man" thread and make extra efforts to please your wife sexually (and yes, she wants to led and taken sometimes b/c she is sick and tired of always having to tell others-kids, maybe you even-what needs to be done; throw in a little light bondage and see how she reacts) and remember to be assertive, making only the changes you can live with and not letting her push you around. 

This is an extremely good time for marriage counseling--you are on a cusp in your relationship. People change and grow, and we either grow together or grow apart. 

Why do you feel threatened? That is at the heart of things. If you continue to feel threatened, you are likely to either react with passive-aggressiveness (childish sulking and insidious non-cooperation), spinelessness (letting her have her own way ALL the time), or overly aggressive, controlling behavior. Assertiveness is the only way (and you are entitled to make mistakes, as she is, too). You need constant communication and honest self-assessment to negotiate this transitional stage.

please stay in touch and let us know how it goes.


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## back9 (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks sisters for the helpful insight.

I feel threatened for some of the reasons I note: where is this change leading to? Is she going to want vacations alone habitually (that to me seems inconsistent with marriage particularly when our ability to take vacations (her because of kids and school, me because of work, are so rare)? Is it going to go beyond that? Succinctly: is she going to grow out of our marriage and what I can bring to the relationship? 

Of course, the elephant in the room in all of this is something that I haven't articulated yet: my own insecurities in making her happy. It was easy to know how to keep her happy when I knew what she wanted out of life - she was a nester. 

I am not sure I can keep her happy if she grows in to something else. I like things the way they are and I don't want to change them. 

Sounds silly, but I am concerned about her not feeling the same about me and us unless we change the rules, and they life we have built not being enough for her. Like I said, she would never cheat or leave, but it would kill me to know she isn't happy with our life as it is: I would take that as an indictment of me and the kids. 

I also turn it around - if I had said I want to do something for our anniversary, but want to first do something for me, and then have my wife come join me for our own celebration, I think she would be hurt that I was taking something about us, and making it something about my needs first, and then ours. 

I would also point out that when I complain about my job and get upset about not doing something else, at her most frustrated she states that she and the kids should be enough for me to be happy and sludge along at work (though to be fair, I have a job alot of people would kill for). I guess what troubles me is is she saying that the very thing that should keep me happy is not sustaining her and if up until now she has thought it good enough for me, it is quite troubling that it no longer is enough for her.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I would also point out that when I complain about my job and get upset about not doing something else, at her most frustrated she states that she and the kids should be enough for me to be happy and sludge along at work (though to be fair, I have a job alot of people would kill for). I guess what troubles me is is she saying that the very thing that should keep me happy is not sustaining her and if up until now she has thought it good enough for me, it is quite troubling that it no longer is enough for her.


The difference is that she reached her limit where she could not continue in the same way. If you had reached that limit, you would have changed jobs, or you would have been "sacrificing" yourself for others--and that's likely to make you really unhappy in the long run. 

Are you telling your wife the things you are saying here? I hope so. You might be anticipating problems that will not materialize. 

And if I was going ahead of my mate to the location of our anniversary celebration, there is a good chance I'd be planning something special that I didn't want him to know about. Have you considered this? I could be totally wrong, but that was my first thought in reading your post about it. 

As for feeling her change as an indictment, ask yourself this: how happy would you be without your career? Working at something that is intellectually stimulating (or meets another personal need) is essential to the happiness of many people. People move up or on to new jobs b/c the old ones hold too few new challenges. Is it really so surprising then, when a woman begins to find herself feeling stagnated in her "job" as homemaker? 

You are being really thoughtful about all this, and again, I really hope you are having these conversations with your wife. Does she know you feel hurt by her request about HK? Does she know you are concerned about losing her with change? 

Remember, too, that you can NEVER make another person happy; it has to come from within. Same for you. You are responsible for your happiness; she is responsible for hers. Love for another means you respect and support the changes your mate makes; love for yourself means you stand your ground when a given change is unacceptable to you. With a lot of talking, nearly everything is negotiable. 

As for the "day alone" in HK, maybe she'd be willing to arrive together and return home a day later, putting her "me time" after the "us time." Of course, if she is planning a surprise for you, that won't work!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think sister is giving you great advice. I also think you are missing the boat here back9. So let me try to help you. If you want a wife who isn't pulling away from you - then do this:
- Accept that she is sad / frustrated and feels upset about the sacrifices she has made in being a SAHM. She has made them - you haven't. You get to have your cake and eat it. I know that - I am you - just older. 
- Ask her what you can do to help her not feel like she is missing out going forward. 
- And when she tells you - and yes some of it may be tough - suck it up and smile and say - I want you to have fun - go forth and conquer and then back it up with actions. 

If my wife wanted to go on vacay twice a year without me I would say yes without hesitation. As long as she still came on our normal family vacations. 

Because I make SURE not to obstruct her desires as a person she makes sure to be a great wife. Like you I don't have to worry about the infidelity divorce thing. Devout catholic - she just isn't going there unless I cheat, hit her or do something equally awful. But like you I do worry about creating an environment where she feels loved - and yet not crowded. It is a delicate balance but one I am sure you will find if you stop worrying about what YOU want. I don't say that to be mean I say it because I can never pay my wife back for the thousands of hours she spent raising our children - the monotony she handled with a smile - the love she gave so consistently. 

So now when she asks a favor I say yes before I even know what it is......






back9 said:


> Thanks sisters for the helpful insight.
> 
> I feel threatened for some of the reasons I note: where is this change leading to? Is she going to want vacations alone habitually (that to me seems inconsistent with marriage particularly when our ability to take vacations (her because of kids and school, me because of work, are so rare)? Is it going to go beyond that? Succinctly: is she going to grow out of our marriage and what I can bring to the relationship?
> 
> ...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I agree with sisters that the behavior your wife exhibits sounds normal. I feel very much like her in many ways from what you describe. 

I was married at 24 and had a baby before our first anniversary. I'm 29 now, at the same job, with another baby and it feels like so many of my friends are so far ahead of me in life. I am grateful for my children and my marriage, but sometimes I don't feel like an individual. Who am I without my husband? Who am I without my kids? It feels like I gave up my individuality in so many ways with my decision to marry and become a mother.

So for the past year, I also decided to get back in shape (the size I was when I married), reconnect with old college (female) friends, go out more without my husband/kids, and do things that I enjoy aside from them. They have become my whole world, but it doesn't seem as if I am their whole world. My husband has friends and a hobby that take up his spare time. My kids have interests and school. What do I have besides taking care of them and thinking about them 24/7?

Weight is the first thing I started with as well because it is something I have complete control over all the time. It's an immediate change that can be made within myself that has nothing to do with my family. That makes me feel better about myself because I am doing something solely for ME, even if my family reaps the benefits of my healthy lifestyle.

Maybe one of the reasons you feel "off" because you feel leftout of your wife's decisions. I think that's what she wants you to feel. She wants a life that is her own, aside from you and the kids. She wants to feel like a complete person in spite of the fact that she's a married woman with children. I completely understand. I feel that way too.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm in agreement with the above posts. It sounds like fairly normal behavior.

My first reaction to the wanting to go ahead of you to HK is that she wants to prepare something special for you. However, I CAN understand the initial hurt that you felt. I would likely feel it too (I tend to be reactive instead of thinking ).

If she's feeling good about herself, you'll likely be the one to reap the benefits. Your initial feelings of being less attracted to her, could likely be a result of your worry about where the behavior is leading. Are you worried that once she starts getting back in shape she may second think her relationship with you? Or do you look at yourself in the mirror and maybe think why can't you have the same drive?

The food item could cause friction though. Eating together as a family is something that is undervalued sometimes. There are many ways to cook meals at home that are WAY healthier than anything in a restaurant and still taste great. Every healthy person needs a balance too. You can't just eat only bland health food, because it leads to binge eating very easily. There should be at least one meal each week where they can eat anything. So going out once in a while for a meal shouldn't be a problem.
Also, and this is a personal peeve, Subway isn't all it's cracked up to be. Yes, they have meals low in fat and calories, however look at their sodium levels. Nearly all of their footlong subs will give you at LEAST 1/2 of your daily consumption. (there are a few that will give you more than all of your daily %)

In the end though, I say be supportive. It doesn't sound like a situation where she's disconnecting from you, just figuring herself out. Help her out by researching some healthy cooking and make a homecooked meal that everyone can enjoy. Remind her that eating at a restaurant with you once in a while isn't going to derail her goals. And always remind her, (and yourself) that you love her as she is.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

ur wife has an eating disorder, get her help with that


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## back9 (Dec 14, 2009)

Dryden said:


> I'm in agreement with the above posts. It sounds like fairly normal behavior.
> 
> My first reaction to the wanting to go ahead of you to HK is that she wants to prepare something special for you. However, I CAN understand the initial hurt that you felt. I would likely feel it too (I tend to be reactive instead of thinking ).
> 
> ...


Thanks all for the insightful comments. They are all very helpful, and spot on - though I have to admit, my own belief is that separate vacations can only create distance. I don't believe in them, no more than I believe families should take breaks from each other generally (until of course kids get to adulthood and seek their own way in the world). I know my wife would vehemently object if suggested such a vacation for myself.

Dryden you may have hit on a nerve. I think I may be hurt that she needs change, which suggests she is not satisfied with her life. I take that a bit too personally given all the sacrifices I have made to provide my family with the best of everything.

In any case, my wife left for HK last night, and I scheduled to depart in 12 hours so I will be sure to update everyone upon return!

Cheers


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## back9 (Dec 14, 2009)

CaliRN said:


> ur wife has an eating disorder, get her help with that


Thanks Cali (my home state, no less!), but I don't think she has a disorder. She is just binging to lose weight and already talking about eating deserts and other indulgences while we are in HK. But I will keep a watch out.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Binging to lose weight is an eating disoder. complications could be high blood pressure, heart disease, gallbladder disease. If she also purge It could lead losing teeth, esophagus problems due to burning the lining and I think also cancer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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