# How do I initiate this talk... again?



## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

I've scanned through the forums here and found some topics in relation to what I'm going through. However, the most I've found have been men dealing with wives, where the ones with women experiencing the same thing I have - the men don't quite match up my husband.

Now, I'm happy with my husband. But things have been changing over the last year and half and it sort of was like all of the sudden I realized what was going on.

About a year and a half ago my husband got sick with pneumonia-like symptoms. However, he recovered quickly (common for him) and the only remaining was congestion in the sinus area and occasional URS. This led to him snoring - loudly. I thought myself to be a heavy sleeper until he started snoring. Boy, oh boy, I had to move to the other bedroom.

That's also when sex started becoming.... well a rare occurrence. And the once enthusiastic and lusty acts became more of... well run of the mill. I chalked it up to getting over being sick.

Snoring is getting better, but I still wake up sometimes and move to the other room. I enjoy sleeping next to my husband, but need my sleep since I have to get up early in the morning. Sex is still rare, I try to initiate, but doesn't seem to have much of an affect on him.

This continues for a couple more months until I have a breakdown. I don't cry but we talk about it and then end up having sex where he actually is dominating (like old times) I'm content.

Sex returns to routine for about a month. Then things start to go back to not happening except once or twice a month. I'm busy with school and work, but I want it all the time. He seems less interested than before. We move around December and don't have sex until after the Superbowl, because I came home from the bar and jumped him.

So from there, sex has turned into me pretty much having to initiate and dominate. Upon talking to him about it, he said that he felt it was more of a "chore" to have sex with me and just seemed less interested in having sex. 

This was before he quit his job and while he was still in school. I thought perhaps after he left his job, he'd be more willing for bedtime activities. Boy was I wrong. It got worse. And worse. And time after time I'd mention it - and we'd have sex but it was like sex to just shut me up.

And then I start to feel... well used. When he's ready to go, he's ready then and there. The foreplay is gone and if I ask for it, it's halfhearted and seems forced. However, I enjoy giving him a BJ if he asks for it and often try not to make a big deal if he jumps from there to sex. Often he's just worried about me being just wet enough to go.

And... well I want to have sex. And outside of our sex-life I can't really complain about much else. Perhaps I should say no... but in the end it's just me who misses out. He doesn't seemed phased if no sex takes place.

I've tried everything I could think of.

I've told him he has to have sex with me at least twice a week. That lasted not even a month.

I've tried not saying anything and with-holding. Doesn't phase him.

I've tried to be the initiator and I'm *tired* of it.

I try to reward and encourage him when he shows any form of affection at all.

I tried to lead by example by being generous with compliments and loving gestures - he still remains clueless.

I've TOLD him he needs to be more loving and spontaneous. He's done nothing.


I feel like since we're married, he's just... done. Like he doesn't have to try anymore. Sex is important for me and I know his libido has always been lower than mine, but we made it work before, I don't understand why we can't get in synch again. 

It's not stress. He used that excuse for a long time, but over the summer he was jobless and not in school. And still next to no sex - while I continued to work and go to school. 

It's not stress over finding a job. For a while I told him it was fine and then when I told him to go find one - he half-assed tried. The company he left wants to rehire him, but that job is in limbo until they get their building renovated and reopened. So his argument is "he has a job" but not until the actually reopen. I did say he has to have a job by the end of the year and he does not seem worried about it (aka stressed =).

He spends his time when he's not in school playing video games and hanging out with his friends. Doesn't sound too stressful to me, either. 

And since he's gotten sick, we no longer sleep in the same bed. All the sudden it wasn't from his snoring, it was because I would kick him at night or it was too hot. And most the time I'll crawl into the bed he's sleeping in only to wake up to find him on the couch. I feel like this is drawing us apart physically and emotionally as well. I don't mind sleeping alone, but sleeping together for a full night more than once every six months would be nice as well....


I feel... deperessed. I've felt upset before but I just think, "I have to talk to him about this again?" and it just makes me want to crawl into bed and just ignore it. I mean - I know we both have to change something. I'm willing to have sex once a week if that's all he can handle, but I don't know how to talk to him to get him to understand that this once every four week sex-life is unsatisfying and disheartening to me.

I don't think he'd respond well to tears, so I need to approach this with a logical front that a man can understand.

I need suggestions. Help!


----------



## twilight101 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hugs! A lot of thoughts while reading your post. My 1st was that perhaps something lingered from his illness since that seems to be when it started? Maybe a trip to the Dr. to rule out anything physical (I know, easier said than done).

Then I thought depression...even if he doesn't seem stressed about a job, he might be. A lot of men tie their "manliness" to their income. Maybe he's resentful of you being the breadwinner and this is how he's showing it. Although what to do about that if it's the case, I don't know. 

Finally, could he be having an affair? Something to consider.

My advice to initiate conversation...wait until he is in a good mood, no distractions. Start with positives. Instead of saying "You need to have more sex with me", say "I'd love it we had more sex in our relationship". And take my advice with a grain of salt...after all, I'm on this board for sex problems, too!

Good luck!


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I am going through kind of the same thing, but we haven't been together as long as you. He quit initiating, and then I found he was looking at internet porn. I was upset, found this site, did some thinking, and then came on to him. I let the porn go, told him if he is wanting sex, that is ok....it is a natural thing, and he just needs to come to me. We had great sex. I initiated again that same night. It's been a week now since then and he hasn't tried anything. After our talk, I thought he knew I would be willing anytime he was. I put myself out there. Personally, I don't have a very high sex drive, but if someone else is doing the initiating I can definitely get excited quick. Now I also worry about having that same talk....again. What do you say the next time around?


----------



## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

Thanks for the responses =)



> My 1st was that perhaps something lingered from his illness since that seems to be when it started? Maybe a trip to the Dr. to rule out anything physical (I know, easier said than done).


I thought that too and even voiced that very idea when sex was becoming a luxury. I even got him to go to the clinic at our campus where he was diagnosed with a mild form of asthma and given an inhaler. The asthma eventually faded - though every once in a while it flares up. However, this wouldn't really effect Mr. Happy down there - maybe more so the hubby's mental comfort - but honestly I think a little tumble in the sheets shouldn't be a depressing thought!

He's shown no difficulty breathing during the act either and by all physical means and from what he's told me when I've asked, "How are you feeling?" He's a normal healthy young man!



> A lot of men tie their "manliness" to their income. Maybe he's resentful of you being the breadwinner and this is how he's showing it.


This was one of the things that came to mind when he lost his job. Also as I'm going to school to eventually be a doctor, I felt perhaps my role as the main breadwinner in the future might rub the wrong way with his male ego. Any time I've spoken to him about it, he assures me it doesn't bother him and is very proud of the choices I've made in my life for my career. He often cheerfully refers to me as his "Sugar Momma" in private and public occasions.

He has expressed distress with the Degree and the line of work he's heading for with school and I've encouraged him to finish his degree and pursue something he wants to do. We have no kids or a mortgage to worry about - so I told him if he needs more time for school now is the time to do it while I'm still in school as well. He seemed reassured and has openly discussed with me some future possibilities for his professional career.



> Finally, could he be having an affair? Something to consider.


Before we were married and very early into our dating relationship he did emotionally cheat on me through having intimate conversations with a young lady we had met at a college party we attended together. I read it on his facebook messages and it devastated me - as I had always told myself any sort of cheating would mean the end of any relationship I was in (lesson I learned from an older sister).

Obviously, we worked it out. And I'm still dealing with the repercussions of his choice. He also understands too that I tend to be a somewhat jealous woman with most strange females. The point of me saying that is, he gets that sometimes I still check his facebook messages and am overly nosey when he's talking with/about a female that I may not know very well.

I've seen no signs of an affair other than the seeming death of our sex life as of late. And no offense to my husband, but he's not nearly as sly as I am 



> Now I also worry about having that same talk....again. What do you say the next time around?


This is also something I went through with my husband as well when our sex life started to wane. As they say in Someone Like You "If he's not sleeping with you, he's sleeping with something else." (Okay not an exact quote but you get the idea.) But that someone else turned out to be... Ms. Michigan. As we call her around our place. (Right hand if you didn't get what I was implying)

I found through our history (and intersting, random popups) he was visiting some porno sites. It didn't bother me at first, until I realized he was giving a lot of himself some loving, when he had a wife ready to boil over with hormones and the need for some ravishing. I told him a similar thing, "Porn is fine until it starts to negatively effect out sex life." And since then the porn has toned down.

But the sex hasn't picked up.

So I'm really confused as to what I should think. Or do. 

In your case, do you know if he's going back to the pornography or is he disinterested as well? There were a couple threads in this forum that discussed some similar situations to yours, I'll have to find them again and link them for you.


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

As far as going back to porn on the computer, he hasn't yet as far as I know. He is pretty computer illiterate and I really don't think he knows how to find or delete history. But, it hasn't been that long. The thread you are talking about on here may have been started by me when I found out about everything. Since then I've become way more understanding of the porn and open to it and have expressed to him that I understand completely. I've been way more open to him, but he still does not seem to have interest unless I throw myself on him. When we talked about it he was going to initiate more, but that has not happened. It definitely makes me wonder what's going on with him. He always acted like he didn't have a high sex drive or a big interest in having sex all the time, but the porn made me see/think differently because he obviously felt he needed something. I definitely want to have a family, but how is that supposed to happen if their is no sex. I don't want it to seem like a chore for him.

I really have no idea what to say about your situation, just that I felt like I had something in common. I hope you can find the advice that you need to help things get better.


----------



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

I guess dont talk to him anymore about it. It seems that talking to him and "telling" him is making him less and less interested.... kind of like my husband. Im talking his ear off this week bc he isnt having sex with me... he doesnt give me what he knows I want, Im not giving him what I know he wants either... I know its childish but a childish manuver needs to be met head on equally bc ignoring and silently dealing with it doesnt work.

Or you can ask him how often he would like to have sex and put the ball in his court, let him think its under his control and his decision... maybe that will make him dominate you more again? Many happily married women are master word manipulators in that they know how to have a conversation with their man to make everything seem like its his wonderful idea and that makes a man feel awesome and desired! I missed that course, I just like sex


----------

