# 'Trigger' Question



## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Hi,

I want to ask you a question that has been brewing in my mind lately.

My marriage came to a crashing end around March 2012 due to infidelity.

My question is, I have this feeling of sadness and despair (and wanting to cry and curl up in a corner somewhere) -- once in a while -- not a pleasant feeling. This happens not often, like after dealing with something that I feel unable to control, like for example I misplaced a sum of money (yes, stupid isn't it?), or car accident followed by a difficulty in dealing with the repair shop.

When that event happens (wanting to curl in the corner), it is like the day after I found out the infidelity, or heard the wife wanting a divorce 2 years ago (complete with the memory). Why???? Am I just blaming her (or the divorce) for everything now?

I guess, I would be grateful if someone can point me in the direction of coping with this and healing 'this damage' of myself?

Thanks
Book


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You'll probably always trigger, but now that you've D, have you giving yourself time to truly grieve so you can let go?

The way I read it, is that even though the events maybe insignificant or small it's like they almost release a valve on all the stuff you have bottled up inside. Pain for you is almost twinned to the feeling you experienced on DDay. Thus a vicious cycle is repeated. You bottle the pain up, only to release and relive your DDay feelings. This is just my opinion from what I read, I maybe way off base.

How are you doing personally, I mean in your life? Is D final? Have you tried the usual, gym, hobbies, casual dating? Remove yourself from the negative cycle, try to feed in some positive influences. As you heal maybe the triggers won't be so severe. JMTC


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

What have you done to make changes in your life since?

If you have not grown and moved on since that point then you will of course still be trapped in limbo.

did you R or D? It may be that you are suffering PTSD as a result of her A and subsequent situations.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether dealing with death, infidelity, or divorce, it's all about "loss" and people grieve in their own way and in their own time. I think your's are as natural triggers as any. You had a relationship you valued and felt confident in. It failed and were helpless to prevent the failure. Now, other situations in which you feel powerless bring those old hurts back to the front again. 
Our minds are tricky. The sound of a helicopter or an explosion can put me back in Iraq. Some smells can do the same. For me, it seems to ease with time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It gets better, eventually. But counselling can help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

BookOfJob said:


> Hi,
> 
> I want to ask you a question that has been brewing in my mind lately.
> 
> ...


I am a counselor and my work is mainly with combat Veterans. You are suffering from depression. I often ask the Veteran if they just want to turn off the lights, curl up in a ball and pull the blankets over their face and stay in bed? I understand it. I could do that as well. 

It is counter intuitive but you have to resist curling up in a ball. When you are faced with these difficulties you need to find better coping skills. Losing money, or having difficulty with a repair shop are things that many folks deal with. 

It is very easy to blame her for anything and everything, but it is not reality. I blamed my wife for a traffic situation in 2012. I was still reeling from discovering her A, but she had nothing to do with heavy traffic. I transferred my anger at traffic to her and though I was p*ssed about her A, she had nothing to do with the traffic.

When your emotions trigger about lost money or the repair shop, it brings back feelings related to your divorce and your wife. It is normal, but realize that it has nothing to do with your ex.

A more reasonable approach would be to identify those feelings and that they bring back the pain, etc. of your ex, but realize that the situation of losing money and the frustration of the repair shop has nothing to do with the ex. 

I often refer to the statement, "You are allowing this person to rent space in your head".

The coping mechanism that you use is to shut down and the blame game.

I took over the finances last year after my wife's last A. She always did the finances for almost 29 years of marriage and part of her repentance and remorce was to give me control of the money. I did not ask for it, she just said to me last year I want you to handle the money since I lied about things and did things with the money that was not right. A few weeks ago I was paying the bills and was not paying attention to the account. I paid a bill and it was not taken out of our account right away. I assumed it was and thought we had more money in the account and I paid a rather large bill without having the funds, and I got charged an overdraft fee. It was my fault. My first responce was to blame my wife, I kept my mouth shut and finally told her what I did, and she literally shut down. Things looked bleak, I shut down as well for about two hours and thought, I made the mess, I need to figure a way out. I did. Had I shut down completely it would had been on me. We just had two very expensive (over $4,000.00) car repairs and it tapped us out. We had other bills due and instead of shutting down completely, I found a way out. My wife shut down because of her illness has been costing us quite a bit, she had to quit her job and she was blaming herself.

Hang in there, things will get better emotionally, but instead of shutting down, go out for coffee or something, even if you don't feel like it.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Thanks everyone for all your notes.



BobSimmons said:


> How are you doing personally, I mean in your life? ..... As you heal maybe the triggers won't be so severe. JMTC


Hi Bob, I think in general I am doing just good. Cases like this (I thought I wrote it in my post) happens very very rarely, like those two cases are the ones I can remember for all this time.

I guess only when I am really in a bad shape that I do this. I just hope this gets better and won't happen more often. I kinda hope for advice to avoid these things.



wranglerman said:


> What have you done to make changes in your life since?


Hi Wrangler, I moved out of town, got a new job, and when D is completed, dated and *gasp* marry again. Pretty quick, maybe, but I don't want to be trapped behind and want to move on with life. I maybe a bit too vigilant to make sure the trouble of the past doesn't haunt me now.



unbelievable said:


> .......Now, other situations in which you feel powerless bring those old hurts back to the front again........For me, it seems to ease with time.


Precisely! That's what I am thinking too. I think my problem, my worry, is with my inability to exact control over others. It is obviously impossible but the abnormally high price I was dealt upon just left a scar. It shouldn't be as this is part of normal life, but maybe I just need to re-adjust my responses, and I am looking for a 'how to'.



Thorburn said:


> ...........It is counter intuitive but you have to resist curling up in a ball. When you are faced with these difficulties you need to find better coping skills........
> 
> I often refer to the statement, "You are allowing this person to rent space in your head".
> 
> .....Hang in there, things will get better emotionally, but instead of shutting down, go out for coffee or something, even if you don't feel like it.


With a kid in my tow, it will be difficult to 'stop renting the space' and erase the memory of this person completely.

I'll keep this in mind. It is in essence my main objective to move on. This will be forever part of me but I just don't want to walk around 'damaged'. Your advice for coping is greatly appreciated. I just need to hear it from a real person, because the advices that stuck to mind, "waking up every day and go about doing your business also kinda helps" came from Holywood.

And again, thanks everyone for chipping in with the wisdom from your own personal experience!


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It gets better, eventually. But counselling can help.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds good. I intend to move on and live fully for as long as my health allows.

Unfortunately, in this country of mine, counseling is not that common. I can only rely on the people I trust and over time, it seems that number kinda dwindles too. It's not that great knowing that your story kinda makes its way into the general public's consumption... oh well.

I look forward to putting this behind me and I am putting efforts making sure that I live this life fully for my family now.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you live in a large country. 

What country? 

My wife works at a mental hospital, but there are several health care professionals there, that also have practices.

But I doubt that we are in the same country, because I am here in the USA.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

From what I have read of your last posts I am guessing you live in Bali, Indonesia. There is a lot of help available in Indonesia although it is not as well organised for mental well being as the services in the Netherlands.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

harrybrown said:


> I hope you live in a large country.
> 
> What country?
> 
> ...





manfromlamancha said:


> .....although it is not as well organised for mental well being as the services in the Netherlands.


Yes, Harry, it is a large country. I was educated in the USA and moved back to this backward country. So, I am pretty familiar with the American health care. We're probably ages behind the USA, even though the scary stories of American healthcare system is not pretty either. 'No place is perfect' I think.

Lamancha, pretty close guess for the island. However, 'not as well organized' is a blanket term. Would 'close to non-existent' be correct? If you know the landscape there more, I am all ears.... that island is just one hop away.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> ..... Hang in there, things will get better emotionally, but instead of shutting down, go out for coffee or something, even if you don't feel like it.


Thorburn, thanks much for the advice.

A trick that I tried, parallel to yours, is to do something that I really like doing, like my hobby (which happens to be in-line with my profession too). I continue a personal project at home to take my mind away a bit. I think it is a very empowering activity that kinda brings me to realization of my self-worth.

I'll try the coffee shop too if this happens again. I hope not.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Look into DBT/CBT and Mindfulness as tool to help you move forward without the help of a mental health professional. CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is a particularly useful technique that requires much of the work to be done outside of the counselors office on your own. Most counselors that specialize in CBT will tell their patients that by the 10-12 week mark, they no longer expect the patient to require treatment from a counselor, as that length of time is normative to teach the skills needed to do the work on your own. 

Do you have any large universities/colleges/schools within reasonable distance to your location? Making inquires with the psychology department about treatment options may be useful.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Book of Job, 

I'm not professionally "degreed" or anything but have spent my fair share of time working with people, and it sounds to me like you have something sort of like Loyal-Spouse-PTSD. 

This article may make some sense to you: The Link Between Triggers and Healing -

I can only say that in my instance, what I've done when I experience a trigger or a PTSD 'flashback moment' is to identify that I'm having one, and that what I may be feeling or seeing isn't necessarily what is CURRENT. I try to do two things:

1) I try *not *to avoid the thing that causes me the trigger, but rather identify what it is, and then "reclaim" that thing by facing it head on until I get a new perspective on it. For example, if it's a song, as long as I avoid the song, every time I do hear it, I trigger. But if I listen to the song 100 times in a row...the first 20 times or so I cry and trigger, but #21-50 are less triggery and I'm beginning to get a little bored of the song and sick of it, and #50-100 I take some deep breaths and listen to it in a whole new way. By the time I hit #100 trust me--I hear that song NOW and not what it used to mean! LOL

2) When I know I'm having a 'flashback' moment, I'll stop right then and there, and do something EXTREMELY SENSORY to bring myself back to the here and now. Like if something flashes to the side of my eye, you can not even imagine the panic and scream that happens inside my head. BUT I also know that it is a 'flashback' so I will stop and immediately start taking account of my five sense right now: I am seeing X beautiful thing right in front of me now; I am hearing X soothing music now; I am smelling dinner cooking in the kitchen now; I am feeling my Dear Hubby hug me right now; and am tasting cooling, soothing water right now. This helps stop the mind-movie from the past and brings me here into the present. In the present, I'm safe and adult and able to defend myself if need be and able to stand up for myself and my needs if need be.

My hope is that maybe if you tried these techniques during your "curl-up-into-a-ball" moments, that maybe they'd help some.


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