# Wife Complaint



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Wife said she wants me to want her. That when we kiss it is nothing special, just a kiss because we have to kiss. She then said that she wants me to want her again. 
My first thought was, well do something that will make me want you. She doesn't do anything that makes it seem like she is trying. 
When I walked away I was just relieved that we didn't have to discuss it anymore. Now we have some time apart.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok did you tell her how you felt or did you walk away with things left unsaid?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

gbrad - so she wants you to try harder and you want her to try harder before you try harder? What is it and/or when was it that made you stop trying in the first place?

I guess I'm struggling to understand because my DW doesn't need to do anything specific for me to want her. There are mood killers, but those are very short term. Yours sound long term.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. How will anything get better when you are playing this game?

Listen to your wife and make the first move. Geez.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

No, I did not tell her how I felt. If I did that would have opened up a whole can of worms and an immense amount of emotion that probably would have made it so I could not have left. I am not trying to play any games with her. 
Yes, it is more long term. 
We will see each other again later today and we will probably have sex and hopefully it will be good enough that it tides her over emotionally for a little while.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

His Needs, Her Needs. Both of you should read that book.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think she may want additional gestures other than the "obligatory" ones...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Hopefull363 said:


> His Needs, Her Needs. Both of you should read that book.


We know each others needs. We have had those discussions about what each other wants and needs in the marriage, at home, and from one another in general. Nothing ever really changes in the end.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> I think she may want additional gestures other than the "obligatory" ones...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I know she does. But I also want her to help around the house and try to be healthier and make an effort to lose some weight. 

I have tried it where I go the extra mile to do the things she wants/needs at times; hoping that it would lead to her doing the same for me. it has never worked.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Whoa.

So unless she loses weight, you can't be passionate with her?

She is not losing weight FOR YOU. that has to be for her. 

Either you love her or you don't.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

:iagree:

If you're harping on her to lose weight, (and I'm not saying you are) it could make her feel a little withdrawn. Yes, she wants to see and feel and hear that you still love and accept her. Unfortunately, she may need this as motivation. Just speculation.

Is she depressed or anything? I don't know your story, but I feel like I'm missing more pieces to the story...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

She wants PASSION man... Romance her a bit and then make some metal melting LOVE to her. How hard is that?

But don't just do it this once. Repeat at will.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you want her to feel sexy and lose weight, then treat her sexy. 

But...maybe you just won't "get it" and you will continue this until every thing just combusts.

I wouldn't lose weight for anyone but me....especially if my husband was withholding passion because of it.  How sad. She has to buy your passion with a thin body.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Whoa.
> 
> So unless she loses weight, you can't be passionate with her?
> 
> ...





YinPrincess said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If you're harping on her to lose weight, (and I'm not saying you are) it could make her feel a little withdrawn. Yes, she wants to see and feel and hear that you still love and accept her. Unfortunately, she may need this as motivation. Just speculation.
> 
> ...


I have never harped on her, told her, or even asked her to lose weight. It is just one of the things I would like her to do. She would like to lose weight also, she talks about it, but she does nothing about it. I try to eat healthy and work out to. It matters to me, I talk about the fact that I feel I need to lose a little weight. According to her, I don't need to (and in comparison to her, I don't need to). But for me I want to because I want to be in better shape and be more attractive to the opposite sex. 
And the weight was just one thing that I had mentioned. The lack of help around the house over the years, has caused the most resentment. Yes, the weight is an issue and it makes it very hard to be attracted to her. But that is just one thing.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> If you want her to feel sexy and lose weight, then treat her sexy.
> 
> But...maybe you just won't "get it" and you will continue this until every thing just combusts.
> 
> I wouldn't lose weight for anyone but me....especially if my husband was withholding passion because of it.  How sad. She has to buy your passion with a thin body.


Again, that was ONE of the things I mentioned. If I were to come home and see her cleaning the house, that would probably be enough to turn me on and have a passionate night. But that never happens.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh good...so it's not just because she's fat. She's lazy too.

....What does she do all day ??

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com ...that site worked for me after I had my baby. They have a phone app too. Could make it easy for her to keep her calories/nutrition in check. Nutrition is important to me too. I get that. 

But the lazy part...why is she lazy?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This sounds a lot like a dynamic my husband and I got into when our children were young. I was feeling the loss of affection and pleading with him in my own way for some validation of his love; he was weary of the hamster wheel he felt he was on & didn't think anything he did or said changed anything for the long term. He wasn't out and out contemptuous, but was definitely fed up.

For my part, I bucked up, raised the kids, loved him as best I could, made sure I was in shape and working at a job that I liked, kept up my social life with gfs, and generally tried to be a person that I could actually live with. I did this for my own peace of mind, not because I wanted him to love me. I had an aha moment in which I saw clearly that I needed to be able to live on my own and with myself if our marriage died.

When my husband started to realize that I wasn't pleading or arguing with him about this anymore, it actually took him a while to process it. He started arguments himself because he was still in the old mode. But I had really moved on from the mindset & never really bit again. He eventually moved on from this dynamic himself & we've been pretty peaceful and in love for a long time.

I guess I'm saying that it's possible to move out of this in a constructive way. Maybe if you reestablish some tenderness for your wife, true tenderness, but encourage her to do things just for herself (?). I went for some IC at the time & the counselor helped me to feel real empathy for my husband after many years of not feeling it at all. That was a start for me to work on myself.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Oh good...so it's not just because she's fat. She's lazy too.
> 
> ....What does she do all day ??
> 
> ...


We both work full time. But the house responsibilities all fall on me. When she does have time to help clean she either says she doesn't want to or shes just not good at housekeeping things. 
To me, nobody wants to, but it needs to be done. 
I have tracked nutrition in the past, she wouldn't do it. She thought it was too much work and didn't want to have think about everything she ate.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

gbrad said:


> We both work full time. But the house responsibilities all fall on me. When she does have time to help clean she either says she doesn't want to or shes just not good at housekeeping things.
> To me, nobody wants to, but it needs to be done.
> I have tracked nutrition in the past, she wouldn't do it. She thought it was too much work and didn't want to have think about everything she ate.


That's another issue altogether. You shouldn't have entered that kind of dynamic. But now that you did it's going to take some effort and possibly some bad moments to get out of it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> No, I did not tell her how I felt. If I did that would have opened up a whole can of worms and an immense amount of emotion that probably would have made it so I could not have left. I am not trying to play any games with her.
> Yes, it is more long term.
> We will see each other again later today and we will probably have sex and hopefully it will be good enough that it tides her over emotionally for a little while.


She wont change until she absolutely must, no matter what you do or how you do it. Even then there’s no guarantee.

Our quality of life is very dependent on the quality of the questions we ask our self.

For example, can you live with your wife exactly as the woman she is now and be reasonably satisfied, happy and fulfilled with her for the next few decades until the end of your days?

You know who she really is now, maybe it’s time to take the wishful thinking blinkers off and serve her with divorce papers?



If you do that you may wake her up out of her stupor and when awake she may well change herself. Fear of loss (losing you) maybe the only thing that has any potential at all to wake her up.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

costa200 said:


> That's another issue altogether. You shouldn't have entered that kind of dynamic. But now that you did it's going to take some effort and possibly some bad moments to get out of it.


This I know. The shouldn't have entered part, no, it was necessary at the time. But now its a different time.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> She wont change until she absolutely must, no matter what you do or how you do it. Even then there’s no guarantee.
> 
> Our quality of life is very dependent on the quality of the questions we ask our self.
> 
> ...


To answer the reasonably satisfied, happy, and fulfilled question. That's a 3 parter. I've always felt I could be reasonably satisfied, but she had to do her part and that hasn't happened. Happy, no. Fulfilled, I have no idea what it will take for that to happen. 

Divorce papers, that is a possibility down the road, not now, but down the road. And I don't think it will wake her up, I think it will tear her down.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Th OPs wife is h 'polar' opposite of my cold fish. not only is she LD, but totally unaffectionate in any way. You shouldn't complain that your wife wants some casual romantic getures. When you don't have it, you'll miss it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you don't like who she is...then I don't know how this will get better. You can only control yourself. Stop wishing she'd do something ebcause she's not going to do it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> To answer the reasonably satisfied, happy, and fulfilled question. That's a 3 parter. I've always felt I could be reasonably satisfied, but she had to do her part and that hasn't happened. Happy, no. Fulfilled, I have no idea what it will take for that to happen.
> 
> Divorce papers, that is a possibility down the road, not now, but down the road. And I don't think it will wake her up, I think it will tear her down.


So you’re neither happy, satisfied or fulfilled.

And you live with a wife who wont change. And you continue to invest in your marriage.

The life you’re leading now is not a dress rehearsal for another life, unless of course you know something different. Maybe you are doomed to lead an unfulfilling life with no satisfaction or happiness in it? The choice as they say is yours and yours alone.


What are you going to have written on your tombstone? Something like “I would have had a fulfilling, happy and satisfied life if only my wife had changed!”?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

AFEH said:


> She wont change until she absolutely must, no matter what you do or how you do it. Even then there’s no guarantee.
> 
> Our quality of life is very dependent on the quality of the questions we ask our self.
> 
> ...


Actually, she can decide to change, even without the threat of divorce. She can decide this on her own. Just as OP is 'unfulfilled,' she might decide it's not worth it to live with a man's contempt forever. She just might decide this independently - believe me, if OP is feeling this lack of satisfaction, it's likely the W is, too. And does she deserve this unfulfilling life? No more than he does.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> Actually, she can decide to change, even without the threat of divorce. She can decide this on her own. Just as OP is 'unfulfilled,' she might decide it's not worth it to live with a man's contempt forever. She just might decide this independently - believe me, if OP is feeling this lack of satisfaction, it's likely the W is, too. And does she deserve this unfulfilling life? No more than he does.


That’s just stating the obvious. What’s good for the Goose is good for the Gander in these things.



However, if they’ve both “settled” then the only way to go is down.

For example if she’s obese or really overweight and she’s settled with that then of course her H can settle and join her in her obesity and perhaps when they’re both fat they’ll both be really happy, fulfilled and satisfied.

People have their very own unique value and belief system and what’s happening here is that those things are clashing. Of course the guy can compromise but he can compromise himself to death or continue to hold himself to his own high values instead of adopting his wife’s values.

He can also sacrifice a happy, healthy and fulfilling life in order to continuing getting whatever it is he’s getting from his wife.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

My plan is to eventually move on, but I am just trying to make the current time better. I do eventually want to be happy.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> My plan is to eventually move on, but I am just trying to make the current time better. I do eventually want to be happy.


For me these are times to be brutally honest with yourself and absolutely honest with your wife. You have to lay the truth on the table of your marriage otherwise you’re not only deluding yourself but your wife as well and within that delusionment there is betrayal.

For example in my mind there is no way a man has sex with his wife if he doesn’t love her, desire her, value and respect her no matter what the circumstances. For me that’s using and abusing and that will do not only your wife but your self a great deal of damage.



You may want to have a read of Hold on to Your Nuts: The Relationship Manual for Men: Amazon.co.uk: Wayne M. Levine: Books. Leverage this trial you’re going through to become the man you want to be.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> She wants PASSION man... Romance her a bit and then make some metal melting LOVE to her. How hard is that?
> 
> But don't just do it this once. Repeat at will.


Sometimes women like to hear certain things....
Just Saying!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Sometimes women like to hear certain things....
> Just Saying!


That thread is leaking all over the place!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Wife said she wants me to want her. That when we kiss it is nothing special, just a kiss because we have to kiss. She then said that she wants me to want her again.
> My first thought was, well do something that will make me want you. She doesn't do anything that makes it seem like she is trying.
> When I walked away I was just relieved that we didn't have to discuss it anymore. Now we have some time apart.


It seems apparent to me that she notices you've checked out of the marriage, but doesn't see to what degree. I bet she feels your contempt and it wears her down and this subtle way of asking for validation of your love is just a way of hoping things can be fixed....but you have said in other threads that you don't want to fix it and are biding your time until divorce, so how can it get better even temporarily? Are you waiting for someone else who is currently unavailable and just passing the time with her until then? If not, then the only way to make this better for you both is just to tell her "Honey, please lose some weight because I'm losing interest fast. And can we redistribute housework because I feel like I'm going all of it; here's a chore chart I made, what do you think?" You have turned her into a roommate by emotionally withdrawing and are complaining because she's a bad roommate, which makes you disinclined to stop withholding love. So, at least tell her the two things that are bugging you and maybe it will temporarily improve because by avoiding it, you're being passive aggressive, manipulative, and self-entitled with a side of serious dishonesty in there. You sound almost exactly like my stbxh and I can tell you that I preferred hearing "please drop some weight and learn to cook better and clean more even though you're exhausted from being the sole breadwinner because I'm not attracted to you when you're not bending over backwards for me" to just trying to guess why he'd been acting shady and distant; I waited on him hand and foot and dropped 35 pounds within months just to try to make it work, only to discover he'd been chatting it up with other women and just trying to push me away and feeling checked out of the marriage because he wanted to cheat; not that you're cheating, but your wife will either be inclined to help you out in that camp because she cares or she will avoid you for a while because she doesnt want to -- and either way you get what you want and your damage to her spirit remains the same (though your awareness of it goes up). Even if all you want is a short term peace, you have gotta try being honest, because you're probably putting her through hell and just don't see it. She may say she's happy, but just this one post demonstrates that she isn't and that she sees you're checked out. I've been in her shoes and can relate. Honesty will help you out, even in the short term.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

She is not the sole bread winner. I have stated multiple times that we both work full time.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Here's another dynamic that you must consider concerning her weight. From my own experience, I gain a little weight (20 lbs) when my marriage became sexless. It became my excuse why my H did not desire me. It hurt too much to go with the truth, he just wasn't interested or passionate for me anymore, no matter what my size. My weight was my shield for my heart.

Now that my H is becoming more interested and we are working on us, I have lost 10 lbs and continue to work on the rest of the weight. Fortunately for me, the weight was never an issue for him. Unfortunately for me, there are other issues we continue to work on.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

gbrad said:


> She is not the sole bread winner. I have stated multiple times that we both work full time.


I'm not suggesting that your wife is the sole breadwinner. In my marriage, I was. However, when my h had issues with my weight and with having to do housework at all, I chose to address my h's concerns even though I was exhausted from being the sole breadwinner -- and, I preferred hearing the honest truth from him for once rather than having to guess all day long what his problem was, which was driving me crazy even though I never said much about it. I only brought up my own example to illustrate by example that even though you think being blunt will hurt your wife, she is probably stronger than she seems and will probably be able to handle it better than you think; and, even though you think she's totally happy and blissfully in love with you despite your contempt of her, you are probably not seeing that she isn't happy herself and might be willing to change, even for the short term if you gently but bluntly tell her what's up. I can assure you based on that one comment that you listed (that she wants you to want her) that she sees how checked out you are and has no idea why and that it's probably wearing her down. Maybe it's not, but from your description, she doesn't seem like an oblivious imbecile, just like she is rug-sweeping what she can because she doesn't really see the source of the emotional mess. If you care for her, even minus the passionate love, at least try to tell her what's bugging you. You don't have to tell her that you're plotting a divorce, but just letting her know will probably ease her emotional burden. She will probably back off and leave you alone for a while and then she will either make the changes or resign herself to not seeking affection from you and in both of those cases, you win. Anyway, that was the point of giving you my own example; I was not implying that you were using her for her money AND being disingenuous at the same time, just showing that even in the face of both, one would like to hear the truth.

My point is that the sole breadwinner comment basically came right out of my own life and I can understand what your wife's position is. I had no idea how my stbxh felt until major resentment had built up on both sides. We used to be best friends and had a lot of good between us and it all came crashing down. You can avoid that. Maybe if you're honest now, you can still have an amicable divorce later and a reasonable peace in the meantime. I don't believe that trying to cushion the blow is doing her any favors. You're not doing her a favor being with her if you don't really want her, even if you think that just your mere presence in her life is making her happy. That is what your attitude suggests. 

I think you do care and I think you are tired of trying to make something work that you think should be easier and more smoothly moving, but even so....no matter how oblivious you think she is and how happy you think she is despite your contempt, I'm pretty sure than on some level, your actions are hurting her way more than you intend.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Wife said she wants me to want her. That when we kiss it is nothing special, just a kiss because we have to kiss. She then said that she wants me to want her again.
> My first thought was, well do something that will make me want you. She doesn't do anything that makes it seem like she is trying.
> When I walked away I was just relieved that we didn't have to discuss it anymore. Now we have some time apart.


If you actually do want her, just try showing it more. We men have been told from birth to hide our emotions. Sometimes, I think we sometimes take that rule and apply it to showing affection. I think, if you really do want her, to let go a little and let it show more. When you kiss her, pull her towards you. When you're having sex just let loose a little more.

If you don't feel like you want her, start doing things for her. Studies have shown that you grow much more attached to people when you do things for them (not when they do things for you).

Marriage counseling is also not something to rule out. You don't have to be at the last straw to go to marriage counselling. In my opinion, its better to go earlier and resolve any problems that could be building.


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