# Sex life going down the drain



## SunnyRae (11 mo ago)

I just need some advice or some tips to help us out of this rut. Me and my husband have been married for almost 2 years and been together 3. In the beginning sex was great and he was so adventurous and willing to do just about anything. Very willing to please and now I feel like I can't even get him to look at me. Long story short a little while after we started dating sex started slowing down but our relationship thrived and we've been happy, getting a new house and now I'm pregnant and I don't know if it's the hormones or if I'm finally seeing our issues in a new light. Relationship overall is amazing but the sex is lacking like he just doesn't care about my wellbeing during anymore. Refusing to do certain acts that he's done before or just not trying to get me off at all despite him saying he was trying. I've gotten really insecure with my changing body and I haven't initiated sex in such a long time because of it but he just acts like he's fine without. He can go about 2 weeks without anything and then I end up bringing it up and we will do it. We've had talks and he claims he's still very much attracted to me but I can't help but feel like that's not true do to the way I'm being treated. Now he's amazing in all other aspects very romantic and keeps me laughing but sex is where the issue arises. We've had numerous talks and I get the same answer that "I'm extremely attracted to you" but without show. Like he's never in the mood and I know stress does alot to someone but to never be in the mood? His hormones levels are normal and rarely like once every two weeks if that he will wake up and want to try and get frisky but I get turned off because I don't feel like he wants to have sex with me because he's attracted to me I feel like it's because I'm accessible when he's finally needing a release. This has caused us to be in a bad place sexually because now it feels like a chore instead of a fun extracurricular. I can't blame my pregnancy because it was like this beforehand but since becoming pregnant I feel it's just gotten worse due to my own insecurity. I want sex and I want it to be fun again we talk but it never seems to get fully resolved I just feel like there is something he's not telling me because I feel like we shouldn't be constantly having disagreements on sex. And yes I've asked him but I continue to get the same answers and not getting any solutions. I feel stuck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunnyRae said:


> *I want sex and I want it to be fun* again we talk but it never seems to get fully resolved I just feel like there is something he's not telling me because I feel like we shouldn't be constantly having disagreements on sex. And yes I've asked him but I continue to get the same answers and not getting any solutions. I feel stuck.


Very sorry you are in this spot. You don't mention your ages or whether this is first marriage for both of you, will assume you are young and first marriage for both. Three years is IMO way too soon for the sex to be lagging, especially from the husband. Most would be wearing you out this early in the marriage. I might have thought your pregnancy shifted you in his mind to a "madonna", but then recall you saying it dropped off shortly after you started dating? A young man not interested in sex with his young wife is highly unusual. I suspect he is draining his tank somehow, just not for your benefit.

Would a third party counselor help get you two unstuck? 



SunnyRae said:


> Very willing to please and now I feel like I can't even get him to look at me. Long story short *a little while after we started dating sex started slowing down*


This is strange. Why did you marry in these circumstances?


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## SunnyRae (11 mo ago)

We are young (me 23) (him 25) and it is our first marriage. Our relationship wasn't based on sex to begin with so I guess it was more of this feels right and I can see a future with you and sex was in the back of our minds. We've talked with a counselor and we've had talks together. It's not something I'd be willing to end the relationship over I just don't know where else to turn. Talking to him about things he says that all his past relationships have never been sexual so months of dating and sex probably happened like twice. Hes been more active with me than wity anyone else he claims. We got his hormones checked and everything came back normal and he claims he doesn't self satisfy mostly because he has no want or drive to. I dont have a feeling he's being unfaithful or ever been just due to how we are together and how much time we spend together. Like I said apart from sex he is amazing and takes care of me and my needs. Is it possible he just has a low drive? This is the first time I've ever been in a situation with a man like this.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

As a man, I really don't understand other men not wanting to have sex with their wives. It used to not be this way but it is becoming more and more common.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Does he watch porn and/or play video games? Low sex drive for a man in his 20s is not normal.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> As a man, I really don't understand other men not wanting to have sex with their wives. It used to not be this way but it is becoming more and more common.


Send them this way 🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunnyRae said:


> *We are young (me 23) (him 25) and it is our first marriage*. Our relationship wasn't based on sex to begin with so I guess it was more of this feels right and I can see a future with you and sex was in the back of our minds. We've talked with a counselor and we've had talks together. It's not something I'd be willing to end the relationship over I just don't know where else to turn. *Talking to him about things he says that all his past relationships have never been sexual* so months of dating and sex probably happened like twice. Hes been more active with me than wity anyone else he claims. We got his hormones checked and everything came back normal and he claims *he doesn't self satisfy mostly because he has no want or drive to.* I dont have a feeling he's being unfaithful or ever been just due to how we are together and how much time we spend together. Like I said apart from sex he is amazing and takes care of me and my needs. *Is it possible he just has a low drive? *This is the first time I've ever been in a situation with a man like this.


So he was inexperienced. Were you inexperienced? Were you sexual with other men before you met him?

What doctor pronounced his hormones (sex and thyroid) normal? A lot of doctors arent skilled in these. For example, if he has normal total T, is free T normal? Is estrogen too high? 

If there is nothing physically wrong with him ( overweight, heart issues, hormone issues ) then maybe it is psychological. Do you think he is intimidated by you? You mentioned you trying to coach him to satisfy you and he says he is "trying". What happens with him if you take total control? As in get him hard by whatever means, get on top, and do what you like? 

Not having drive is unusual in a male, but surely feasible I suppose. You may have married one of the unicorns in that regard. You have the problem a lot of men have with wives who can "take it or leave it ( mostly leave it )". Just know that absent major intervention this is not going to improve with age! And HE is the one who needs to take action to fix it. Doesn't seem he has any drive to increase his drive.

You may think now he is mister wonderful in every respect expect your sex life, but over time this will become the biggest issue in your lives. You will rightfully grow to resent having given your youthful self to a man who doesn't appreciate, cherish, and fulfill your sexual needs. That will make you prone to affair(s). 

So my advice is to make him get some professional help (a sex counselor/coach ?) ASAP.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> Send them this way 🤣🤣🤣🤣


What are you going to do with them?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> What are you going to do with them?


The wife, the wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> The wife, the wife 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


I keep telling my wife we should invite over all these other lonely, sellers wives.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Definitely make sure he isn’t masturbating to porn. I don’t have any issues with men doing this, but if he isn’t having sex with you and he is doing this, that is a serious problem.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

One word....stress.

You're both not kids anymore and add to it the stress that comes along with a mortgage and now a baby. Both of these are life changing and with it comes a great deal of stress.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

sideways said:


> One word....stress.


Sex is one of the best destressors.


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## hplove (Jan 19, 2021)

How about you get super flirty for the next few weeks, and just wait for him. Give him something to think about during the day. This is a lot of work, no pressure. Just go with the flow....


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

thunderchad said:


> Sex is one of the best destressors.


And some people can't perform because of stress which adds even more stress


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

hplove said:


> How about you get super flirty for the next few weeks, and just wait for him. Give him something to think about during the day. This is a lot of work, no pressure. Just go with the flow....


This isn't going to work at this point, I don't believe


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> So he was inexperienced. Were you inexperienced? Were you sexual with other men before you met him?
> 
> What doctor pronounced his hormones (sex and thyroid) normal? A lot of doctors arent skilled in these. For example, if he has normal total T, is free T normal? Is estrogen too high?
> 
> ...


At 25 yrs old, it's NOT his testosterone levels, unless he has a major illness or is using drugs.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

SunnyRae said:


> We are young (me 23) (him 25) and it is our first marriage. Our relationship wasn't based on sex to begin with so I guess it was more of this feels right and I can see a future with you and sex was in the back of our minds. We've talked with a counselor and we've had talks together. It's not something I'd be willing to end the relationship over I just don't know where else to turn. Talking to him about things he says that all his past relationships have never been sexual so months of dating and sex probably happened like twice. Hes been more active with me than wity anyone else he claims. We got his hormones checked and everything came back normal and he claims he doesn't self satisfy mostly because he has no want or drive to. I dont have a feeling he's being unfaithful or ever been just due to how we are together and how much time we spend together. Like I said apart from sex he is amazing and takes care of me and my needs. Is it possible he just has a low drive? This is the first time I've ever been in a situation with a man like this.


I am almost certain that he is using porn and masturbating. These are ALL the signs.

Don't ask him expecting him to tell the truth, because he probably won't. And this IS NOT about YOU at all, this is about HIM. It's possible that he's been watching porn for most of his life already, and is slipping back into his favorite way to physically please himself. 

I don't know why men do this, when they have very willing partners who want their sexual attention, but more and more are doing it. My EX was in his 50s when I found out the reason he had trouble getting and staying hard when having sex with me, and the reason he could go weeks without sex was because he preferred to watch porn and masturbate than to be with me. It wasn't an addiction for my EX, he was just SELFISH.

So try to find out how often he is masturbating, and if that's what the issue is, you are going to have to figure out what to do going forward, because most men don't have enough sexual energy for both their hands AND a partner.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

At 25, if this was hormones or some other metabolic or physiologic disorder, it would be manifesting in other ways as well and not just limited to a lack of interest in sex. 

Some guys are brought up that sex is harmful to the baby/pregnancy or think that the wife does not want sex during pregnancy, so that may be something to look into. 

Some people are simply not all that sexual and aren’t sexual dynamos that are ready to go at the drop of a hat all the time. 

And not to blame the victim here but pregnant women can have a very high need for assurance that her mate is still committed and still into her and can become insecure in the sense that any deviation in his response is due to something terrible or that he is planning on walking away even though the real reason he isn’t acting himself that day is the chili and bean enchiladas he had last night are fighting back.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming you aren’t trying to stick things up his butt or flogging him with whips and chains or introducing other men, kids or animals into your bedroom, it’s very rare for a man to refuse special requests by a woman. Most men would be very thrilled and excited that their partner was asking for something. 

If he is refusing to accommodate reasonable requests, that is simply lazy and selfish. 

Most men would fall all over themselves to accommodate a specific request.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> At 25 yrs old, it's NOT his testosterone levels, unless he has a major illness or is using drugs.


Pituitary or Adrenal benign tumor. Estrogen too high. Free T being aromitized to estrogen. Get a qualified specialist to rule out physical.

i agree with you it is likely NOT physical, but that should be ruled out


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> he was just SELFISH


Most likely this, unless he has an issue with doing it while she's pregnant....


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry sister, but my guess is he has a hidden porn and masturbation habit. Internet porn is rampant..

I’d encourage you to read up on the issue as some knowledge might help you get help for hubby. Here’s a quote from the link below:

“Today, porn sites receive more website traffic in the U.S. than Twitter, Instagram, Netflix, Pinterest, and LinkedIn combined.1 Pornhub, one of the leading porn sites in the world, claimed that in 2019 they had 42 billion visitors with 39 billion searches performed. That’s 115 million a day—almost 5 million an hour, and almost 80,000 a minute—and that’s just one site.”









Home - Fight the New Drug


Fight the New Drug is a non-religious and non-legislative nonprofit that exists to provide individuals the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding pornography by raising awareness on its harmful effects using only science, facts, and personal accounts.




fightthenewdrug.org


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

25 years old and he goes 2 weeks without sex? I suspect that he’s got some porn addiction. Unless he’s has a hang up about having sex with you being pregnant.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

SunnyRae said:


> His hormones levels are normal and rarely like once every two weeks if that he will wake up and want to try and get frisky *but I get turned off because I don't feel like he wants to have sex with me because he's attracted to me I feel like it's because I'm accessible when he's finally needing a release. *


 DONT DO THIS! that will be the final nail in the coffin. I can assure you, he loves you and only wants to have sex with you. Don't try and read his mind, then come to your OWN conclusion. When you do that, it's the beginning of the end.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> 25 years old and he goes 2 weeks without sex? I suspect that he’s got some porn addiction. Unless he’s has a hang up about having sex with you being pregnant.


Her husband wasn't sexual with anyone else before her. And he was barely sexual with her. It is amazing that she managed to become pregnant, and *her pregnancy isn't what slowed him down*. He has been nearly stopped from day one. Here is what she wrote earlier.


SunnyRae said:


> Talking to him about things he says that all his past relationships have never been sexual so *months of dating and sex probably happened like twice*. Hes been more active with me than wity anyone else he claims.


Is it possible that being inexperienced with women he is afraid of failing? Is that even possible with a 20 something male? I mean most men that age are working overtime to get in a girl's pants, and OP says he dated her for months and they had sex twice? With her willing, would have thought he would have worn her out.

Amazed she married him with low drive being obvious while she dated him.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> DONT DO THIS! that will be the final nail in the coffin. I can assure you, he loves you and only wants to have sex with you. Don't try and read his mind, then come to your OWN conclusion. When you do that, it's the beginning of the end.


absolutely.
refusing sex will drive him away, possibly into another woman's arms. what the heck are you thinking?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You can't marry a tabby cat and expect a Siberian Tiger...You basically got a Toyota Camry for a husband...He's reliable and trustworthy, but otherwise a complete dud...

Who knows the reasons? did you gain weight before the pregnancy or in line with the drop off? 

My feeling, (and this is a guess) is he is one of these guys that maybe like sex, but its not the be all and end all..By age 17, I already had tons of experience...even with a few older women...And I know I am not alone...But if he wasn't tearing you to shreds in the beginning, then it's pretty much expected now that he'd already fall off..And the baby coming is a boner killer for a lot of guys...These idiots must think they are going to poke the fetus in the eye or something,, lol...My guess is once the baby comes its going to get worse...

If he's awesome otherwise, then maybe work on it..Life with a Camry may not be much fun, but it will get you where you need to go in one piece...


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> absolutely.
> refusing sex will drive him away, possibly into another woman's arms. what the heck are you thinking?


Yeah, my wife tried that crap one time.......ONE (1) TIME and quickly found out that wasn't the way to go. At least she's a fast learner.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Yeah, my wife tried that crap one time.......ONE (1) TIME and quickly found out that wasn't the way to go. At least she's a fast learner.


this is not conjecture. it is fact! No Sex = No Marriage.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> this is not conjecture. it is fact! No Sex = No Marriage.


In this case, the one posting that was the one withholding, if I remember right. Rather watch TV or something, so he should not be shocked if his wife decided to turn him down after that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> In this case, the one posting that was the one withholding, if I remember right. Rather watch TV or something, so he should not be shocked if his wife decided to turn him down after that.


i know.
this was a warning to NOT use witholding sex as a weapon, because it might backfire


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