# I have no more intrest....



## Butters (Feb 15, 2010)

Hello, I'm new here so please be patient. Even posting here and 'opening up' is a bit intimidating. My problem is that I am not intresteed in sex with my wife any longer. Without turning this into an over-long diatribe about my marriage, I'll be as straight forward as I can, and if you have any quesions, please let me know.

I prefer, these days, to masturbate, rather than have sex with my wife of 13 years. She's overwieght, and I've lost all sexual attraction to her. She's 230lbs-ish and has almost no intrest in actively losing weight. She'll start off strong, then lapse more and more often till she's back to late night snacks, comfort baking, and having a snack while watching Biggest Loser. She was about 160 or so when we got together, and about 170 when we married four years later, and her weight has progressed to this point.

Another factor that bothers me is that she had two other sexual partners before me, and I, due to my introverted manner, was a virgin till I met her. Now, becaused I was a good Christian boy, who didn't screw around, I'm married to a large, bossy, domineering woman, who doesn't satisfy me sexually. I do not believe in divorce, or adultery, but I feel that my 'good years' are/have slipped away, while I'm married to a wife who would happily have more sex in our life, but does not understand my lack of intrest.

I don't really know what my question here is. Many of you will say that pornography and masturbation are wrong, but I don't know what to do! Many times, during sex, I've lost my erection at seeing her large belly oscilating back and forth. Or upon seeing her naked, as she's getting ready for bed; Or upon seeing her naked, getting out of the shower. These occassions, which would excite a man under normal circumstances, turn me off!

I feel like I'm doomed to an existance of an unsatisfiying sexlife, and sneaky mastubating! Now, before you suggest I talk to her about this, do you really think that in the past 10 years, that I haven't talked/pleaded/bargained/reasoned/cajoled/threatened/prayed/supported/encouraged and tryed to otherwise solve this problem? She just doesn't want to change. And yes, I know that I need to change as well. I've given up masturbation before, and just tried to live with my wifes weight. I made it nearly six months. Having sex more often with her didn't help. Having it less often didn't help. Hell, we even had one stretch where we didn't have sexual contact for nearly three months! We've even gone to marriage counseling before.

I'm not looking for permission to cheat. I'm not looking for support for divorce. I'm just looking for some advice or encouragement or something.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes your wife is overweight, but that shouldn't mean she is unattractive. Even when i put on weight because of pregnancy and illness my ex still found me very attractive and I appreciated that. Nothing makes a woman more depressed and eat more and sabotage herself then if she feels unloved and unnatractive.

Wouldn't you want your wife to love you and find you attractive if something happened to you and you ained weight or lost a lot of weight or had an accident and lost a limb?

The porn is definately not helping you. From everything I have read porn often leads to unrealistic expectations from men about their wives. The more they watch porn the more dissatisfied with their wives looks they become. If you want to masturbate I say do not use porn to do it, and stop fantasising about the things you have seen in porn. It's not real, the women have usually had surgery etc and they do not represent the majority of women.

Focus on your wife and start appreciating the things she does for you, and the things you do like and fins attractive about her. Compliment her. Spend time being with her and creating a good sexual dynamic. You are as much a cause of this problem as she is.

Encourage her gently to be healthy. tell her you want to be healthier, that you don't want much junk in the house as it will sabotage your efforts. Get her to come walking with you. if she refuses say well, I thought it was something nice we could do together and as your husband I want you to support me in my efforts to be healthy. Then go and walk and enjoy yourself, come home and talk happily of what you saw and how great you feel.

Plan meals with her that are healthy and take turns cooking them. if you eat out or get take away try and get healthy options most of the time.

Stop letting her walk all over you, stand up for your self, but don't be a jerk. be loving and reasonable, listen to her complaints but do not let her put you down.

Be encouraging about what she does that makes you feel attracted to her. If she wears something you like, tell her. If she wears things you don't like, say "I love it when you wear x, you look sexy". 

And once again stop watching porn. If you can't you are addicted and it points to a much bigger problem.

Lots of men don't have perfect looking wives, but they still are attracted to them, and want to have sex with them. Some would kill for a wife who has a higher drive.

I know myself, I find my fiance most attractive when he is treating me really well, when he makes me feel wanted and loved and desired. Nothing to do with his looks at all, even though I think he's very attractive. For me it's how someone treats you that makes all the difference, how they notice you and love you like no one else does. This is attractive.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

Butters I don't think you mentioned children. If you don't have any I'd definitely give an ultimatum. I would also recommend being less discrete about your masturbation. Let her know that you're driven to this option and tell her why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Syrum said:


> Yes your wife is overweight, but that shouldn't mean she is unattractive. Even when i put on weight because of pregnancy and illness my ex still found me very attractive and I appreciated that. Nothing makes a woman more depressed and eat more and sabotage herself then if she feels unloved and unnatractive.
> 
> Wouldn't you want your wife to love you and find you attractive if something happened to you and you ained weight or lost a lot of weight or had an accident and lost a limb?
> 
> ...


i see this the other way. the porn and self pleasure are a result of her being very overweight and unattractive. she is the one who need to make the changes here. you can only do so much for someone but they have to want to change for it to be successful. its not much different than smoking, alchohol, drugs or hoarding, you can badger and try to change behavior, but it isnt likely to work until you employ very drastic measures.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i see this the other way. the porn and self pleasure are a result of her being very overweight and unattractive. she is the one who need to make the changes here. you can only do so much for someone but they have to want to change for it to be successful. its not much different than smoking, alchohol, drugs or hoarding, you can badger and try to change behavior, but it isnt likely to work until you employ very drastic measures.


Making someone feel unloved and miserable and undesirable does not make them want to lose weight for you, it makes them feel worse.

Studies show men who watch a lot of porn find their wives less attractive then those who don't. 

Men who think this way just come off as @*******s, that's the honest truth. There is nothing kind and compassionate or loving and understanding about the Op or your response.

Men like that don't deserve any type of wife.

For the record I don't smoke, I can't stand smoking and do not find it attractive but I still love my fiance even though he smokes. I also know me being B!tch about it wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't make him quit. It would show me as an insensitive unloving person. Do I wish he'd quit and do I worry about it? yes I do.

But I love him and I find plenty of things attractive about him.

If the problem does not alter their personality like drugs and alcohol, and they are still loving and caring to you and find you attractive despite your faults, then you need to do the same, and stop acting like you are perfect. Theres probably heaps of things she turns a blind eye to, or is too kind to mention.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

syrum, honestly, would you be physically attracted to your significant other if he became excessively overweight?

i can tell you under no uncertain terms that if i smoked, did drugs or became excessively overweight, my wife would have no physical contact with me, and i would look at it as my problem, not hers.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> syrum, honestly, would you be physically attracted to your significant other if he became excessively overweight?
> 
> i can tell you under no uncertain terms that if i smoked, did drugs or became excessively overweight, my wife would have no physical contact with me, and i would look at it as my problem, not hers.


What's excessive? If he put on 100 pounds? Yes I sure would. If he couldn't get around and was unhygenic, then no, not unless there was a medical reason. But if he got a bit fat, I would love him just the same. because I really do love him. I find him attractive as person, I don't expect him to fit some type of idealized cookie cutter mold of a person. I am not perfect so I don't expect he will be either, he will have faults and weaknesses. If he treats me well and tries hard at our relationship, I know I will find him attractive, because that is attractive to me. he does not have to be the perfect size and weight, and I don't even think there is one.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i can tell you under no uncertain terms that if i smoked, did drugs or became excessively overweight, my wife would have no physical contact with me, and i would look at it as my problem, not hers.


Drugs and alcohol are different because they alter personalities.
So not comparable.

I find that to be very sad. I'm sorry your wife doesn't love you for who you are. Someone won't be able to love you for you, if you don't love them for who they are, and stop expecting perfection when no one is perfect.

I look at whats really important, and our relationship and love and bonding is more important to me then if he chooses to smoke or puts on a bit of weight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You claimed that you are introverted, and labeled her as domineering.

Are you conflict averse? Can you stand up to your wife? Does she respect you?

She deserves to know how you feel. On this subject, I am not one for subtlety.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Syrum said:


> Drugs and alcohol are different because they alter personalities.
> So not comparable.
> 
> we will have to disagree on that, they are addictions (like food) that change the marriage dynamic and are in one of the spouses control. she is likely 100 pounds or more overweight
> ...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Public Domain Photos and Images: The Three Graces painting by Peter Paul Rubens

This is what men used to find attractive.

Understand how brain washed you are by society and porn standards, and get realistic.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Its up too each individual to decide where to draw the line on unexceptable life styles.

ie: alchol, drugs , weight gain etc.

if he dosen't find her attractive because of her weight gain and has comunicated this then the balls in her court if she refuses to try or comprmise then she will have to live with the the out come.

thats how the world work most of the time.and men and women should know that you need to put effort into marriage for it to be happy.

as for what men used to find attractive WHO CARES this is 2011 not 1800. lot of things have changed 

women did not work back then should we regress back to when men liked fat women!!!! 

sounds like she droped the ball and let herself go.

what about health problems caused by obesity.


not everybody that complains about there wife getting fat is brain washed by porn.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In the same way that until a hundred years ago having a tan was low class and dirty.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Butters said:


> I'm not looking for permission to cheat. I'm not looking for support for divorce. I'm just looking for some advice or encouragement or something.


I agree with other posters about discontinuing your pornography use. That's not going to help. I disagree that this is your problem. Your wife is severely obese. Unless you have a fetish for severely obese women, you obviously won't find your wife sexually attractive.

The best thing you can do is to join a gym. Get yourself in shape. Your wife will either be inspired by your lifestyle change and join you, or she will be threatened by your increased attractiveness and lose weight to keep you, or she'll do nothing. If she does nothing, at least you will be healthier and feel better about yourself.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What has lead up to this? No one wakes up one day shaped like a Smart Car.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Syrum said:


> You are as much a cause of this problem as she is.


Unless the OP is force feeding his wife, I don't know how you can argue this. If the OP is physically abusing his wife to the point that she has to overeat as a coping mechanism, then I agree with you. But, given the fact that the OP has stated that he is introverted and his wife is domineering, I doubt that is the case.

His wife has increased her weight by 44% since they started dating. That's not putting on "a bit of weight". His wife is very obese. Since she was 160-170lbs when they were dating or first married, she was already heavy (unless she's extremely tall) when he was first attracted to her. So it's ridiculous to claim that the OP is only attracted to an idealized, unrealistic standard of beauty.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Butters,

You said you are a nice Christian boy, so both of us know very well what the Bible says. 

I don't need to say anything. 

You are not seeking divorce, and there is no way you can improve your situation!

You are stuck! 

There is no other way to make you feel better rather than accept your reality!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband lost interest in me when I gained 25 pounds so I can't even imagine what he would have done had I gained 70. (I've since lost the weight and then some just to give me breathing room).

I don't think porn has anything to do with this. His wife has obviously given up and would rather find satisfaction in junk food than her husband. It's easier and it's addictive. She's essentially chosen food over him. To me (barring some medical issue) that's a dealbreaker. If she chose say drugs or alcohol over her family people would be all over telling him to get out but since it's food somehow that's acceptable? Really? 

I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable. I'd man up and say pick food or me? If she chooses food then I'd make plans to exit the relationship and I'd find someone who cared more about me than food.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

To expect a man to turn a blind eye to his wife's obesity and "make" himself attracted to her is ridiculous and unattainable.

The fact is, I don't really think that we can control attraction. And I don't believe that you should be made to feel guilty because you are not attracted to her. 

I found myself unattracted to my husband several years ago. I felt terrible about it and assumed it was my problem, so I didn't say anything. There were a few factors affecting my lack of attraction to him, but one was that he was not taking care of himself physically. He was never very overweight, just had several inches around his waist that he needed to lose. And that really turned me off. I tried to control my attraction, but it didn't happen. 

So I finally broke down and talked to him. He was starting to get high blood pressure and I couldn't take it anymore. There was no sexual attraction because he just didn't care about himself physically. 

I got lucky and he responded well to my talking to him and began working out. He's lost several inches and pounds at this point, but my attraction to him sparked again the day he started trying. Just the fact that he was making an effort to take care of himself and make himself healthy did it for me.

Maybe my move was too aggressive, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like it was. He could have reacted badly to it. But he didn't, and it was the best thing I've ever done for our marriage because it opened up a huge avenue in our marriage and we began working on all the other things going wrong that were never discussed.

Just my $.02


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Unless the OP is force feeding his wife, I don't know how you can argue this. If the OP is physically abusing his wife to the point that she has to overeat as a coping mechanism, then I agree with you. But, given the fact that the OP has stated that he is introverted and his wife is domineering, I doubt that is the case.
> 
> His wife has increased her weight by 44% since they started dating. That's not putting on "a bit of weight". His wife is very obese. Since she was 160-170lbs when they were dating or first married, she was already heavy (unless she's extremely tall) when he was first attracted to her. So it's ridiculous to claim that the OP is only attracted to an idealized, unrealistic standard of beauty.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Could not agree more, excellent post!


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## Blue Skye (Apr 22, 2011)

MGirl said:


> There was no sexual attraction because he just didn't care about himself physically.


To me, it would be the lack of caring on my spouse's part that would be harder to deal with than the end result (i.e., the obesity).

To the OP, if you have talked with your wife about this in a manner that is as non-confrontational as possible AND you have couched it in terms of her HEALTH first and foremost AND you have been willing to work with her on it (helping buy groceries without getting any junk, cooking healthy meals, taking walks with each other, being encouraging and supporting to each other), BUT she does not respond to any of this, then you need to continue doing all of these positive, healthy things simply for YOURSELF if other options (counseling, separating) are not in the cards for you. Oh, and perhaps dim the lights as well.


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## Butters (Feb 15, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> Unless the OP is force feeding his wife, I don't know how you can argue this. If the OP is physically abusing his wife to the point that she has to overeat as a coping mechanism, then I agree with you. But, given the fact that the OP has stated that he is introverted and his wife is domineering, I doubt that is the case.
> 
> His wife has increased her weight by 44% since they started dating. That's not putting on "a bit of weight". His wife is very obese. Since she was 160-170lbs when they were dating or first married, she was already heavy (unless she's extremely tall) when he was first attracted to her. So it's ridiculous to claim that the OP is only attracted to an idealized, unrealistic standard of beauty.


Thank you.



Runs like Dog said:


> What has lead up to this? No one wakes up one day shaped like a Smart Car.


See some of my responses.



chillymorn said:


> Its up too each individual to decide where to draw the line on unexceptable life styles.
> 
> ie: alchol, drugs , weight gain etc.
> 
> ...


Thank you.



Syrum said:


> Public Domain Photos and Images: The Three Graces painting by Peter Paul Rubens
> 
> This is what men used to find attractive.
> 
> Understand how brain washed you are by society and porn standards, and get realistic.


Nice. Those women look the way my wife did around the time we married. Her stomach, thighs and bottom are considerably larger than what's shown in that painting.



Deejo said:


> You claimed that you are introverted, and labeled her as domineering.
> 
> Are you conflict averse? Can you stand up to your wife? Does she respect you?
> 
> She deserves to know how you feel. On this subject, I am not one for subtlety.


No, I'm not 'conflict averse'; unfortunately, we fight often. We're under quite a bit of financial stress, and are in danger of losing our home.

Standing up to her is a funny term. I stand up for myself, but it does not change her. Does she respect me? No, she's told me that she doesn't. Her fathers, have come from Union Jobs and made alot of $$$. I don't make enough to suit her. And reread my original post; I've told her many times how I feel. She does not want to change.



Syrum said:


> What's excessive? If he put on 100 pounds? Yes I sure would. If he couldn't get around and was unhygenic, then no, not unless there was a medical reason. But if he got a bit fat, I would love him just the same. because I really do love him. I find him attractive as person, I don't expect him to fit some type of idealized cookie cutter mold of a person. I am not perfect so I don't expect he will be either, he will have faults and weaknesses. If he treats me well and tries hard at our relationship, I know I will find him attractive, because that is attractive to me. he does not have to be the perfect size and weight, and I don't even think there is one.


I'm glad you feel this way about your husband, but my wife is more than 'a bit fat', she's obese. And I'm not looking for perfection, because I'm not perfect either. I'd be happy to have her back at her wedding weight of 170lbs.



Syrum said:


> Studies show men who watch a lot of porn find their wives less attractive then those who don't.


I started watching the porn and taking care of myself after she got big. Not before. My wife 'comfort eats'; It's almost wholly unconnected to anything I do. When she feels out of control, angry, etc, she turns to food. She and I have talked many times about things that happened during her childhood, that continue to affect her. Those things are a source of insecurity for her, and food is how she has learned to 'self medicate'. That is by her own addmission. She's also told me she doesn't give a damn about what I feel and wants me to accept her as she is. I'm having a very hard time doing that, since she 'doesn't give a damn about my feelings'.



Syrum said:


> Yes your wife is overweight, but that shouldn't mean she is unattractive. Even when i put on weight because of pregnancy and illness my ex still found me very attractive and I appreciated that. Nothing makes a woman more depressed and eat more and sabotage herself then if she feels unloved and unnatractive.


I quite agree. She's always been 'plump' even when we first went out, And it didn't bother me, because I'm no Fabio, either. However, in the 13 years since we married, she's gone from 'pleasingly plump' to 'fat'.



maggot brain said:


> Butters I don't think you mentioned children. If you don't have any I'd definitely give an ultimatum.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a wonderful three year old daughter. She's the very air I breath. Ultimatums are out.

I was taught that the Lord has given each of us a sense of right and wrong. If the Bible doesn't specifically tell you it's a sin, then "do you feel like what you're doing is a sin?" With the masturbation, yes, I feel it's a sin. And that's where I'm so hung up. My wife is sexually unappealing to me. I do not believe in divorce, and my father was an adulterer, so I'm loathe to follow in his footsteps. So. As another poster said, I guess I have to accept it. But I find that rather miserable. I actually lose my erection looking at my wifes body. I don't know how else to achieve any level of sexual satisfaction except through masturbation.

One member of this board seems to be of the opinion that a man with a penis should be happy to put it anywhere, and that I should be happy my wife wants sex, but honestly, a diet of crackers will keep you from starving, but it's no way to enjoy food. Sex is the same way. Men do like visual stimulation in the same way women require emotional stimulation. I wish I could find that in my wife.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Masturbation is not a sin. 

Please don't be ashamed of it! 

It is your body, use it! 

Achieve your inner peace first! 

When you are peaceful and pleasant, you might have a different view towards life. 

Your wife won't change until she knows self examining! 

We are all like this, we can't change until we start self examining ourselves.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Some women today have wrong expectation towards their husbands! 

They shouldn't compare their fathers to their husbands. 

I guess it might be a better idea for a man to marry a woman who comes from a humble background because this woman will appreciate her husband more. 

Turning to food to look for comfort is really a ridiculous idea to me because you just create more drama in your life. You need to spend money to buy those food, more food more money, then you become heavy, need to spend more money to lose weight, don't know why people don't see this coming!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Then as you framed in your original post ... your reason for coming here is not so much about recovering your marriage, but reconciling for yourself the decision to leave it. That about right?

From a faith perspective, I cannot offer you much, other than the plain fact that marriages fail for people of faith as well.

You don't have a marriage. You don't have a wife. You have a bitter, obese, room-mate, that neither likes, nor respects you.

Your life, your choices. I would never suggest that dissolving a marriage is straightforward, easy, or desirable. But ... without question, there comes a point where it is necessary.

What you need to reconcile is the 'pain quotient'. Does the perceived pain of leaving your marriage outweigh the perceived pain of staying? Many people struggle with this.

If you want to find a way to work it out, there are folks here that will contribute to that effort and end.

If you feel it's time to dissolve the union, there are plenty of folks here that have made that journey as well.

Regardless of your choice, I wish you well.


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## rsalsa (Apr 19, 2010)

Lets be honest here... Fat is unattractive, plain and simple. At my highest weight I was 310. No, my husband didn't want to have sex with me, and frankly I don't blame him. I look back at pictures and it was disgusting. I know part of my husbands issue, besides the weight, was I was not a happy person at that weight. I was very bossy and domineering, which you mention is how your wife is. I wonder if that isn't playing into your lack of attraction as well. 

You leading a healthy lifestyle may help get her motivated, but unfortunately until she wants to do it herself there isn't anything you can do...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Butters said:


> As another poster said, I guess I have to accept it. But I find that rather miserable. I actually lose my erection looking at my wifes body. I don't know how else to achieve any level of sexual satisfaction except through masturbation.


Butters, you should look at the thermostat thread.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html

You should also look at the blog Married Man Sex Life for additional tips.

Given that you have taken leaving your wife and adultery off the table, you obviously must focus on changing your wife. That's tough. You have tried talking to her and know that it won't work. That's why you have to change yourself. If you change yourself, there is a high probability that your wife will change in response to you. Women are naturally reactive to men rather than proactive.

Join a gym. Get yourself in shape. Take your daughter out of the house for daddy/daughter hobbies. Start your own hobbies to get you out of the house. Work on your career to increase your earnings. If your wife sees you living a healthy and interesting life without her, she will likely want to join you. If she doesn't, at least you're living a healthy and interesting life.

Also, you have told us that you will not leave or cheat. But your wife doesn't have to know that. Fear is a powerful motivator. I don't suggest explicitly threatening something that you aren't willing to do, but you shouldn't go out of your way to reassure your wife that you will remain faithful to her no matter how she treats you.

As for sex, try turning the lights off. You're less likely to be repulsed by what you can't see.


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## darkknight226 (May 15, 2011)

Butters said:


> Hello, I'm new here so please be patient. Even posting here and 'opening up' is a bit intimidating. My problem is that I am not intresteed in sex with my wife any longer. Without turning this into an over-long diatribe about my marriage, I'll be as straight forward as I can, and if you have any quesions, please let me know.
> 
> I prefer, these days, to masturbate, rather than have sex with my wife of 13 years. She's overwieght, and I've lost all sexual attraction to her. She's 230lbs-ish and has almost no intrest in actively losing weight. She'll start off strong, then lapse more and more often till she's back to late night snacks, comfort baking, and having a snack while watching Biggest Loser. She was about 160 or so when we got together, and about 170 when we married four years later, and her weight has progressed to this point.
> 
> ...




Butters, My name is Daniel. I am 22 years old, and I tell you that my situation with my wife is identical to yours. I am a Christian and feel that divorce is not an option, so I feel helpless. I really thought there was no one else on the planet that struggled with this problem like I do. I would like to talk to you more about this problem. If you do not mind, could I contact you by email? if you want to send it to me directly, so as to not publicize it my email is [email protected]. I would really like to hear back from you man.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Butters, masturbation and porn might give you a little relief, but I doubt they're doing much for your wife. Overweight or not, she still is a human being with human sexual needs (which are your responsibility). When you married her you had no idea what she might end up looking like and she agreed to marry you without knowing what you might end up looking like. Try to not focus on what you lack or need and try to focus on meeting her's. If you don't find her to be currently a great knock-out, an imagination and a light switch are wonderful things. If you bloated up or you were burned severely in a fire, you'd still be "you" and you'd still have intimacy needs. Be careful about setting the commitment bar too low. You are just one car crash away from looking pretty freakish. The more you ignore her emotional needs, the more she'll turn to food for solace, so your current plan is unlikely to produce favorable results.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

I have always found that HOW she acts sexually is much more important than how she LOOKS sexually. That said, I have never dated a woman anywhere near 200+lbs so have never been in the situation of having my lady being physically unattractive. I have only had issues with how they present themselves and act (or lack of) in bed, and having a girl who is not sensual or passionate is debilitating enough.

An average looker nympho is much better in bed than a supermodel prude. It's like an old ford that is very reliable with a powerful engine vs a ferrari with no motor.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ben said:


> I have always found that HOW she acts sexually is much more important than how she LOOKS sexually. That said, I have never dated a woman anywhere near 200+lbs so have never been in the situation of having my lady being physically unattractive. I have only had issues with how they present themselves and act (or lack of) in bed, and having a girl who is not sensual or passionate is debilitating enough.
> 
> An average looker nympho is much better in bed than a supermodel prude. It's like an old ford that is very reliable with a powerful engine vs a ferrari with no motor.


This is so offensive. If a women posted something similar but focused on her requirements for size of the penis, ripped body, skills in bed and a 6 figure salary she would be pilloried by men. This is so common, a man expessing his tender feeling about women - like he is talking about a car. 

Very common but rather desgusting - Problem is the car is an autonomous human and when convenient, stops performing much to the disappointment of the buyer. Maybe thats why there are so many women who lose sexual interest in their husband. It is not passible to maintain the performence of a machine over the long run when you are human. 

This OP story is lamentable and garners a great deal of sympathy but i wonder if his wife is really the one who deserves the sympathy. Let say he is an average man - according to many studies, his knowledge and abilities of sex are low, his knowledge and ability to meet his wifes emotional needs are also low,and his willingness to adjust his approach to his wife to suit her likes and dislikes is sluggish. But his expectations for sexual performance is outsized based upon what he can offer. 

His wife seems as dissapointed in the car she purchased as he is in her. Who is right? Why is her disappoint in his failure to meet her financial requirement less important than her failure to meet his sexual requirements? Maybe the answer for him is to work harder make more money to meet her financial needs and she will lose the 70 pounds. But if you feel it is  unfair of her to to point to your financial failure in her eyes then please consider that she may take the same attitude about her weight. 

There are 3 view to this man's problems his, her's and reality. Sex is important in a relationship but it is not the most important element. I think if he widens his view of his problem he would have more hope of solving it. It is not about sex or weight, rather it two people with are dissaponted in each other because things have not worked out as they dreamed. 

Each person thinks they are right and niether is willing to lend credence to the others disappointments. He wants her to accept his abilities, or lack thereof, in the financial arena but he expects her to overlook her dissapoinents and work real hard to delight his visual senses. I can understand why she would tell him to go stick it They are at an impass and niether of them are right just stuck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> This is so offensive. If a women posted something similar but focused on her requirements for size of the penis, ripped body, skills in bed and a 6 figure salary she would be pilloried by men.


It is offensive that a man desires sexual enthusiasm above physical beauty? Since beauty is, to some degree, beyond a woman's control, while sexual attitude is not, I would think women would appreciate that mindset.

Also, if a woman married a rich, well endowed, attractive, and skilled lover who then promptly turned into a poor, impotent, fat, lazy slob uninterested in sex, then she would get my support and empathy. I understand that both sexes can be quite cruel to each other.



Catherine602 said:


> Very common but rather desgusting - Problem is the car is an autonomous human and when convenient, stops performing much to the disappointment of the buyer. Maybe thats why there are so many women who lose sexual interest in their husband. It is not passible to maintain the performence of a machine over the long run when you are human.


I think you're reading too much into the analogy. The poster was simply expressing his preference for enthusiastic lovers, whatever their physical attractiveness, over more beautiful, less enthusiastic lovers.



Catherine602 said:


> This OP story is lamentable and garners a great deal of sympathy but i wonder if his wife is really the one who deserves the sympathy.


That was my thought too. We have an introverted man who is a devoted father married to a fat, domineering wife who admits to not caring about her husband's feelings. Obviously, this man has seriously wronged her.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Let say he is an average man - according to many studies, his knowledge and abilities of sex are low, his knowledge and ability to meet his wifes emotional needs are also low,and his willingness to adjust his approach to his wife to suit her likes and dislikes is sluggish. But his expectations for sexual performance is outsized based upon what he can offer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is a generalisation and the mentality that it is the man's fault because she is unable to have fulfilling orgasms is a ridiculous one.

It takes two to tango. It is not the man's 'job' to adjust his approach to suit her. If she lacks the raw meterial and is also inflexible, then what he can 'offer' can make no difference at all. Sexual performance, drive, orgasm ability etc varys greatly between different women, and that is something only a man, or a lesbian, would know more than a hetrosexual woman who does not have sexual relations with different women to know.


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