# Separated, but still in the same house with 2 children (kinda long)



## crazietj (Jan 12, 2011)

Well I have posted another area, but didn't get much help. It may been the way I posted. But now we are separated, we live in the same house and share the bad too. We have a 3 year old and a 8 about to turn 9 year old, both boys. This all started back in January. She came home telling me then she wanted to call it quits. We started to get it worked out. everything did seem to be going well. I had been a stay home father since we moved 3 years now. I was wanting to get back to work, and we were starting to have issues financially too. I don't have any more than a high school diploma, and I had got into trouble before we met, and I have a felony. So getting a job that pays enough for childcare is hard to find. I had decided to better my self and I had enrolled in to School. One of the major complaints from her was I was not bettering my self, nor was I working. 

So now for the past 6 months I had been looking into work, and getting ready to start school this summer. I had an interview lined up, but with her job she works every other weekend, and the interview was and they told me had to be done on this weekend. I set it up, for when she got out of work which was 7pm. the latest they would do it. My wife gets out of work at 6, but in her line of work (paramedic) she sometimes does have late runs, and I had informed the Interview about this. Well they called my on Thursday, the interview was on Saturday. I had talked it over with my wife and she told me she was planning on going out with her coworkers that night. I said do it another night, this is kinda important. she then tells me she cant guaranty that she will get out of work, then asks if I cant reschedule it. I told her no, then we try to get a sitter, I get one lined up, but back out around noon on Saturday. So I called her and she had a run, so she said we would talk about it later. Then about 5 i get ahold of her, and talk to her till about 530, that means nor late run so far. She then tells me to skip it, and that it just came up at the wrong time. She goes out that night anyway, and I missed it. It wasn't the best job, but it was a management position at walmart, and I worked there many years ago and remember they are very flexible on scheduling. Perfect for me because I'm starting school in 2 months. So we have a big discussion about priorities, and she then tells me I thought you are concentrating on school?...What the hell

I let it go...but now I'm concentrating on school just as she wanted....Things seem to be going great! we are going out and doing things as a family again, We are having sex almost everyday! Amazing sex at that...But I keep noticing she does not tell me she loves me, and I'm the one that start the play time between us...So i bring it up one day, big mistake She tells me that she still feels the same about me, that she was on the fence with me, and had decided that its still the same...well the boys where home and kept walking in on our talk, so it got spread through out the day when they weren't around. at one point she told me that we will see at the end of the month and she will make a decision at the end of the month. well she then just shut down, and wouldn't talk any more. then at one point she started to tell me something, and stopped because our oldest walked in. So I waited till he was playing his dsi, and the younger one was in the bath. she was in there with him, and I asked what she started to say, and I don't remember but it was something about the separation. So I tried to talk some more, then she just looked at me and told me that I'm the most emotionally draining person she had ever met...I lost it, I had hit my limit, and I jumped up and started to get mad, then she says " oh here we go!" in a condescending tone, and that's when I lost it, My emotions took over, and I yelled "that's it, You want me the F' out your house, fine, I'm leaving," then I slammed the door, still yelling "this is all your f'n fault". both boys started to cry, and I felt so bad....She then called that my son join her in the bathroom...I then opened the door and told our boys that that was uncalled for and I was sorry. then the oldest stayed with the other in his room, and we finished out talk, I apologize about, it, but she didn't care.


Well we stopped talking for a bit then started to talk again. she said that i could stay till I was done with classes this semester. its been really rough, every time I try to talk she tells me she has her mind made up, and she want a divorce. I have found some text between her and her supervisor. they are flirting back and forth, then in one she asks him to come over. on a day I was gone. He is married too, and his wife works at the same place as both of them....I had asked her just to tell me the truth if she was cheating, she tells me no. She did cheat on me when we were dating along time ago, so I thing that she is because she has done it in the past.

Now the big problem is Our oldest son has told me that he overheard her and her mom talking, and she said, if he would just get a job he could stay...but I don't know if its true or if that's something he is just trying keep us together. 

He has also been fighting alot with his little brother, to the point where he starts to yell and scream at him, then they start pushing and shoving. If she gets in the middle he lash out at her, and tells her he hates him, and wishes he was never born. she told him, fine when your father moves out you can leave with him. He then told me that she has told him, that i ruined his life, as said before, I dont know if hes tring to start something.


It is getting out of hand. He has told me a few time he want feels as if she doesn't love him, and then this morning we were talking about it and she told me she feels like he doesn't lover her, and that's way she has always favored our youngest. She does in someways favor him too, I have seen the youngest snuggled, and the oldest wants to too, and the little one wont move so he can "share" his mommy. well she gets mad at the oldest, and pushes him away....he then starts up with the I hate him stuff....How do I end this?

I know he is having his world , His once happy little family Ripped away from him...i feel so bad for him, I am in so much pain right now. I Wish she would just try a little more, Our boys need US!


What do I do?
is it salvagable?
Am I fighting a lost cause wanting her to work it out?
She has took off her ring. im crushed by this, and still wear mine. Should I take it off? 
I know I messed up, and I can admit that. I was a loser, I was lazy, but I was the one at the house taking care of our kids, Taking them to there sports, making the meals, making sure everyone had clean clothing. When she was at work for 12, 14 sometimes 16 hours. thene there have been many times she worked double shifts. Now I didnt keep the house perfect, but anyone with kids know thats almost impossable. But I felt I was tring to do something good for the family. was I wrong?
What do I do about the older boy?
Im so lost!


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

I share in your pain, I really don't have answers for you. I know that begging and arguing doesn't work. Try to back off emotionally any heated arguments won't help. Read up on the 180 I'm in the middle of doing it and some days are better than others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Given your description of events your wife is sending mixed signals. She should have made EVERY effort to make sure you could get to your job interview on time including taking the day off from her own work if necessary. To now be telling someone that you can stay if you just get a job is disingenuous of her. From what you've told us, she owns the problems in the house as much as you do.


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## crazietj (Jan 12, 2011)

I found a note from someone signed "unknown hero" today. I wasn't going to bring it up, but she brought up something to me, so I return fire with it, then told her that I know she had invited someone to the house. she acted as if she never did that. I told her just to be honest with me, and that I have proof about her asking him to come over. She got really pissed. I know I should not of brought it up, but what was i going to do? It got ugly, because we where fighting and the kids heard all of it. I feel like an a$$hole now.
Thanks for the tip on the 180, ill look into it.

As for the interview, yes I know she should of just came home after work so I could of gone, but I used that as an excuse not to go any further.

During our "talk" I asked her why she tells everyone that im not trying to better myself. She replied that I said I didn't want to look into school back in February....But I'm in school now....She has lost her marbles in my book. She only sees the past, and doesn't look at whats going on now. Thats just my opinion.


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## crazietj (Jan 12, 2011)

Whats the book called, Just 180?


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## DasAstro (Jun 16, 2011)

crazietj said:


> Whats the book called, Just 180?


Read post on here about the 180 its basically backing off and giving her space. Its the opposite of what you think you should be doing. Your emotions are probably all over the place right now, you have to try to stop fighting in front of the kids. You can read my post under dealing with infidelity EA or I'm just crazy to see my story. A lot of our stories have similarities. On my way to the bookstore to get a book from michele weiner davis. You can youtube her too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazietj (Jan 12, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. Iwent to my families this weekend, and she went to hers. Well I normally text and call her all the time. I have sent her one text, and only said have the boys call me before they go to bed thank you. She never responded. So later she is on facebook, and I sent her a chat saying the same thing. She did respond with K. I responded back with a thanks. That night I NEVER got that call! I didn't text her or anything about it. I will.see her later this afternoon though. I did notice she change.her relationship on Facebook from married to its complicated. What do you think that means. She could of put separated, why its complicated? I thing her doing.that means she has not figured out what she really wants to do. Am I looking into it or reading it wrong? What should I do about her not letting the boys call me?


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## crazietj (Jan 12, 2011)

Well I found out way she didn't call. She went out and wasn't home when the boys went to bed. Well I had been sick to my stomach around her all day. I had class yesterday, and she was off of work. We took the boys out to see the movie cars 2, and she was very distant to me the whole tike. When it was over we went home and spent the day at the house. I had homework, and she spent most of the time in the kitchen. I got the book divorce remedy, by Michele Davis. I had her read some of it, a part where it was talking about people who want a divorce...she just grumbled something about how that's not her and set the book down and told.me it was stupid. Then she ask when I was moving out again.....I didn't say anything to her after that. It made for a long night.

Maybe I'm fighting a lost cause. I really don't want to lose my wife. But maybe I have to just give in I guess.


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