# I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

Hi, I'm not sure how to start and what to say exactly but the problem is that ...


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

counceling


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You care about this woman? Divorce her, let her find a man who truely loves her. You start by going to a therapist who could help you with all your issues.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

richie33 said:


> You care about this woman? Divorce her, let her find a man who truely loves her. You start by going to a therapist who could help you with all your issues.


This is not easy to divorce as she has a conservative family which will blame her for divorce. It will be a great trouble for her. I care about her so I want to build our relationship correctly. The problem is that I don't know what is the solution and what should we do to fix the problems. Do u think that there is no hope so we should divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> counceling


I'm counseling now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Arad said:


> This is not easy to divorce as she has a conservative family which will blame her for divorce. It will be a great trouble for her. I care about her so I want to build our relationship correctly. The problem is that I don't know what is the solution and what should we do to fix the problems. Do u think that there is no hope so we should divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you need a sex therapist.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Welcome to the forum.

Your English is very good IMO...

I don't want you to get upset, but you don't seem very mature for your age. You also seem to lack self control, which takes you places (porn, talking to other women etc) and by default you distance yourself from your wife.

I know you said you stopped for a month, but what did you to do initiate sex and pursue your wife DURING that time?

Look, personally I think that your wife is TOO nice and has very little control....and that has become a turn off to YOU.

What I'm trying to tell you is that YOU need to give up control and balance things out a bit. She SHOULD be telling you to deliver on things in life (50%), for example cleaning....helping out etc. Push over wife is no different than man with no balls that won't stand up for himself, HUGE turn off for most.

Seems to me like you have to have a serious conversation with your wife and tell her that you need her to be a much stronger and confident woman. 

I'm pretty sure you lost complete respect for your wife by being too controlling.

Blame this on yourself, but her as well (for allowing to happen).

She needs to GROW SOME BALLS basically.

Meanwhile, I would recommend that you completely stop watching porn, contact with ANY females (especially your exs) and be faithful and honest to your wife.

You are a MAN now, man is defined by their word. By committing your self to marriage you gave your wife a word that you are hers/she is yours FOREVER.

Walk to walk and deliver, right now you are breaking that contract and acting like a little boy, not a MAN.

A man will communicate with their wife and balance the relationship. He will also END the relationship if it's unfixable and have enough respect for their wife to let them go.

Wait, I'm not done just yet.

THEN, after divorce, man will also take time to heal and get over the marriage/love one BEFORE they persue other relationships. This way they don't bring any baggage to a new person/rebound type of a deal.

Be smart and BE A MAN, not a boy.

PS. Don't worry, most man NEVER mature/grow up. And some reach their maturity in the 30s.

Another tip I have for you is MIND CONTROL. You need to learn to deflect dirty/wrong thoughts that WILL come to your mind EVEN WHEN YOU ARE A MAN. Change the thoughts and think positive things/about your wife or whatever you find peaceful etc. As with anything, practice makes perfect, in time you will learn to ignore these dirty thoughts and they won't come as much. When they do, they will be deflected.

I know, it's not easy fighting human nature. But as a husband and a man, it's your responsibility to do so!!!

I have an amazing marriage and love my wife to death. Right now we are at our PRIME of our marriage and guess what, my dirty man thoughts still come up......it sucks, but it's reality.

And don't forget that it's NO different for women!!!Ever heard of Karma? What you do to your wife will come back around and bite you. 

Treat others, the way you want to be treated.

Good luck


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I don't know about you other men. But a nice woman who wants to do a lot for me is a serious turn-on. It literally makes my erection super rock hard.

I wouldn't doormat one of those and over do it.

Aftering being with ones who made every inch a monumental effort it made a nice one so much more attractive.

Just because your friend is nice doesn't mean you have to over do it. Let them know they've done enough and if other friends are getting over on them, let them understand the ways of the world.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what does your counselor say?

You're setting her up to either divorce you or cheat on you. Either way, you need to fix yourself. We're not going to be able to diagnose you, so your best bet is finding some good professional help. Someone you can trust, who seems to understand you. 

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rubymoon (Jul 21, 2014)

Arad said:


> This is not easy to divorce as she has a conservative family which will blame her for divorce. It will be a great trouble for her. I care about her so I want to build our relationship correctly. The problem is that I don't know what is the solution and what should we do to fix the problems. Do u think that there is no hope so we should divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Make it look like your fault so that her family is on her side and supports her, and divorce. 

Woman's beauty expires pretty fast. So if you care about her at least a tiny bit, then set her free while she still has her beauty. Stringing her along till she is 40 and then dumping her would be the most cruel thing to do.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

I'm a little slow today. What is it about your wife that's unattractive (face, body, ect...)?


----------



## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Arad said:


> i know that it hurts her but this is not important for me.


If you know that what you are doing to her hurts her, but that it's not important to you, you are to be congratulated for your amazing but rare, honesty and self analysis. 

However this is the sentence, that for me, tells me everything about your relationship. 

Read it again. 

*Whatever you do that hurts her, you find it unimportant.
*



Arad said:


> Now I'm worry about her life. I'm afraid i'm ruining both our lives.


Of course you do But holding onto someone that you can do anything too and without feeling any remorse for, is just unkind, cruel and really unforgivable.

You sound to me like you have some severe issues and need deep IC.

Do your wife a favour please and divorce her. Then go into some long term therapy......and I mean that with sincerity and kindness.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you stopped watching porn, did you also stop masturbating? It can take 2-6 months of no porn and no masturbating to get your desire for a real, live woman back.

How long have you been in counseling?

What you need is a counselor who is also a sex therapist.

But, if you really do not care that you are hurting your wife, just divorce her. Tell her family that you are the one at fault. Let them be angry with you. 

What part of Italy do you live in? There are plenty of places where a divorced woman will do just fine in Italy.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

DoF said:


> Welcome to the forum.
> 
> Your English is very good IMO...
> 
> ...


Hi,
Thank you for commenting such a large text for me. I red your words several times and I should say that I'm agree with you in some points like that i'm not a mature and we should make a balance in our responsibilities. But I'm pretty sure that this is not the cause for my lack of sexual desire for her. what you have said is necessary for a happy life but this could not be the reason for my sexual desire.
I know about karma and I believe in that but this is not important for me much. actually there is not much important things in my life. when i think i see that I don't care about many things . I don't care if i lose my good job. I don't care if i lose my wife,I don't care when my coworker with a diploma improve his job position but me with a master degree stant still for 7 years in my current position, .... . but i care a lot if somebody hurt my self dignity, I care about my family( I mean my parents, brothers and sisters except my wife and her family).

I can't solve this problem. I don't know what is wrong with me.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

treyvion said:


> I don't know about you other men. But a nice woman who wants to do a lot for me is a serious turn-on. It literally makes my erection super rock hard.
> 
> I wouldn't doormat one of those and over do it.
> 
> ...


maybe mother Teresa was a fantastic woman but this can't be any motivation for you to mate her!!! being good is doesn't have anything with being sexy.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

PBear said:


> And what does your counselor say?
> 
> You're setting her up to either divorce you or cheat on you. Either way, you need to fix yourself. We're not going to be able to diagnose you, so your best bet is finding some good professional help. Someone you can trust, who seems to understand you.
> 
> ...


I have met several consular but what I found was that they don't know anything more than me. I don't want to do self-praise but just to help myself by clearing the story for you i'm smart and know much more than is needed in life. but I don't care to do what i know is correct.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

rubymoon said:


> Make it look like your fault so that her family is on her side and supports her, and divorce.
> 
> Woman's beauty expires pretty fast. So if you care about her at least a tiny bit, then set her free while she still has her beauty. Stringing her along till she is 40 and then dumping her would be the most cruel thing to do.


I don't know if you know anything about Muslim customs but she is Muslim and a divorce is nearly end of her life as a wife. beside this there will be alot of trouble in her family for divorcing which make a divorce more costly. so please forget about that.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

spinsterdurga said:


> I'm a little slow today. What is it about your wife that's unattractive (face, body, ect...)?


she is attractive but not sexy. It is like when you want to mate a religious woman. for example I don't like to have a blowjob with that pretty face. 
I think it is some sort of her fault as she should know how to treat her man erotically but she doesn't.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> If you know that what you are doing to her hurts her, but that it's not important to you, you are to be congratulated for your amazing but rare, honesty and self analysis.
> 
> However this is the sentence, that for me, tells me everything about your relationship.
> 
> ...


I wish i could. I'm suffering from this marriage too but i prefer to suffer more but not throw her to her mad family's arms . i should fix this marriage. but what is my behavior reason!!!? i don't know. 
You know my ex-girlfriend (which i cut my relationship with her for about 3 months now only for fixing my marriage) was not pretty but she has a good sexual attraction.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When you stopped watching porn, did you also stop masturbating? It can take 2-6 months of no porn and no masturbating to get your desire for a real, live woman back.
> 
> How long have you been in counseling?
> 
> ...


No I didn't stop masturbating. maybe that helps me. i should test that. thank you.

I have been in consoling for about one to 2 season. the best one was when my wife saw the consular after me and do you know what he said to her? your husband is an understanding man!!!! 
I'm from Bologna


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> I have met several consular but what I found was that they don't know anything more than me. I don't want to do self-praise but just to help myself by clearing the story for you i'm smart and know much more than is needed in life. but I don't care to do what i know is correct.


I'm sure that you are a very intelligent man and you know a lot about life. But what you don't know is why you are holding back sexually with your wife and what you can do to fix that. 

I agree that you saw a counselor who was just telling you to self-praise then that counselor is not worth spending time with. But one who knows how to help a couple get a sex life that works well for both of them could turn your marriage around.

Has there ever been a time that you and your wife had a good sex life? How about when you first married. Did you two wait until after marriage for sex?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> I wish i could. I'm suffering from this marriage too but i prefer to suffer more but not throw her to her mad family's arms . i should fix this marriage. but what is my behavior reason!!!? i don't know.
> You know my ex-girlfriend (which i cut my relationship with her for about 3 months now only for fixing my marriage) was not pretty but she has a good sexual attraction.


You have had a girlfriend through out your marriage? Were you having sex with this girlfriend?

Why didn't you marry one of your girlfriends who you had such sexual attraction to?


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you're worried about how her family will react tell her parents yourself that you don't want sex with her and don't plan to give her children. And that you have a gf you prefer to screw instead. They'll arrange the divorce themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> No I didn't stop masturbating. maybe that helps me. i should test that. thank you.
> 
> I have been in consoling for about one to 2 season. the best one was when my wife saw the consular after me and do you know what he said to her? your husband is an understanding man!!!!
> I'm from Bologna


2 seasons? So you mean seasons or sessions?

Session = sessione
Season = stagione come la primavera, l'estate, autume e l'inverno
I think you mean counseling sessions. Two sessions is not enough to do much of anything.

Since your counselor told your wife that her husband is an understanding man, it’s clear that your counselor has no clue.

Did you tell the counselor that you did not want to have sex with your wife? What types of things did you talk to this counselor about?

You and your wife need a marriage counselor (MC) who is also a sex therapist. For example a sex therapist would have known that the excessive use of porn and masturbation often leads to disinterest is have sex with a live woman. It’s a lot easier to just masturbate. That way your needs are met but you don’t have to do anything to meet her needs. Porn gives men the illusion of having many sexual partners, so it’s often more exciting than sex with just one person all the time. So if you stop both porn and masturbating for a few months you will start to want sex with the woman who you are with (your wife) as she’s the only sexual outlet you have. This also means that you have no girl friends on the internet or in real life. You need to retrain your mind and your body to see your wife as the only sexual outlet you have.

You also seem to have what is often called the Madonna-***** Complex. 

“In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–***** complex is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed, loving relationship.[1] First identified by Sigmund Freud, this psychological complex is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased prostitutes. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (the *****) while they cannot desire the respected partner (the Madonna). [2]Freud wrote: "Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love."[3] Clinical psychologist Uwe Hartmann, writing in 2009, stated that the complex "is still highly prevalent in today's patients".[2]”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna–*****_complex

You are a smart guy. Do a google search on the Madonna-***** Complex. Learn about it and learn how to cure yourself from it. See a sex therapist to so that the therapist can coach you through things that will get you to drop this idea. A sex therapist can also help you wife figure out how to be more sexy for you. 

When I was growing up the married women had a saying. A woman should be "A cook in the kitchen, a lady in the parlor and a ***** in the bedroom."

You need to realize that a wife plays many roles. There is nothing wrong or dirty about sex with your wife. So what if she’s pretty. She apparently wants to be sexual with you. But you are not even giving her the change to be the sexy women she wants to be with you.

As for divorce, Bologna I a pretty metropolitan city. Your wife could have a good life there even as a divorced woman. Depending on what her education and career field is, she could to other places as well. But I agree, if she’s from a very traditional Muslim family then they could make her life miserable.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> If you're worried about how her family will react tell her parents yourself that you don't want sex with her and don't plan to give her children. And that you have a gf you prefer to screw instead. They'll arrange the divorce themselves.


This is a very good point. If you tell her parents that you don't want to have sex with her and do not want children then they will not want their daughter married to you. they want grand children. The purpose of marriage in a traditional culture is to have children.


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

If you stay in this marraige because its the right thing to do you're doing yourself and mostly your wife an injustice. 

Why string her along, if you care for her but are not in love with her who cares what anyone else thinks, they will get over it. If they dont understand that what the hell good are they.

You are screwing with her life. Let her go so she can find true happiness.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sure that you are a very intelligent man and you know a lot about life. But what you don't know is why you are holding back sexually with your wife and what you can do to fix that.
> 
> I agree that you saw a counselor who was just telling you to self-praise then that counselor is not worth spending time with. But one who knows how to help a couple get a sex life that works well for both of them could turn your marriage around.
> 
> Has there ever been a time that you and your wife had a good sex life? How about when you first married. Did you two wait until after marriage for sex?


We have met through internet after a while I met her and when I saw her for the first time I feel like wow what a pretty girl she look like my aunt.
And no we never did sex before marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You have had a girlfriend through out your marriage? Were you having sex with this girlfriend?
> 
> Why didn't you marry one of your girlfriends who you had such sexual attraction to?


Beacausd they didn't fit me at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> If you're worried about how her family will react tell her parents yourself that you don't want sex with her and don't plan to give her children. And that you have a gf you prefer to screw instead. They'll arrange the divorce themselves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Due our conditions this is the worst action I can take. Don't ask me for a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> We have met through internet after a while I met her and when I saw her for the first time I feel like wow what a pretty girl she look like my aunt.
> And no we never did sex before marriage.


So you have never had a good sex life with her.


Some people will say that you need to have sex before marriage to know if you are compatible that way. I don't buy into that. My husband and I had a LOT of good, wild sex before marriage. The over time in our marriage he would not have sex. People behave differently before and after marriage. When they are married they act like their parents taught them is the way married people act.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> Beacausd they didn't fit me at all.


Your wife does not fit you either.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

roostr said:


> If you stay in this marraige because its the right thing to do you're doing yourself and mostly your wife an injustice.
> 
> Why string her along, if you care for her but are not in love with her who cares what anyone else thinks, they will get over it. If they dont understand that what the hell good are they.
> 
> You are screwing with her life. Let her go so she can find true happiness.


Do you tell me that it is impossible to rebuild my previous love so I should divorce and let her go!!? I don't want this at all. Do you call the divorce a solution!!!!?this is just cleaning the problem itself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife does not fit you either.


Yes but the question is , is there any way to fit her in or not. I don't want to let her go easily she is a good wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> Do you tell me that it is impossible to rebuild my previous love so I should divorce and let her go!!? I don't want this at all. Do you call the divorce a solution!!!!?this is just cleaning the problem itself


It's possible to fix your marriage if both of you are willing to work on your relationship.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife does not fit you either.


Thank you Elgirl a lot. With your help I finally found my problem. This should be narcissism madona-***** complex. Are you a psychologist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> Yes but the question is , is there any way to fit her in or not. I don't want to let her go easily she is a good wife.


Yes there is a way to fix this.

You need to tell your wife that you love her and want to have a good sex life with her. That you know that you have had an issue so you hope she will work with you to get the kind of loving/passionate relationship that you both deserve.

Find a good marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. Talk to this person about how to stop the porn and masturbation and build your desire for your wife. It's completely possible. And don't just say that you know as much as the counselors. If you did you would have already fixed the problems. A good MC/sex-therapist is a very good asset to have in your support system.

I would also suggest that both you and your wife get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. I don't think you can find it in Italian. But your English is good so you should have no problem with it. Is your wife's English as good as yours? If not you can read it and translate it for her at the conversational level. The book has things that the two of you need to do to build a healthier relationship.


There, that's how you fix it if you truly do care for her and want a good marriage with her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> Thank you Elgirl a lot. With your help I finally found my problem. This should be narcissism madona-***** complex. Are you a psychologist?


No I'm not a psychologist. I'm an engineer. But I've been through a lot and so have done a lot of reading and learning.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Arad said:


> Do you tell me that it is impossible to rebuild my previous love so I should divorce and let her go!!? I don't want this at all. Do you call the divorce a solution!!!!?this is just cleaning the problem itself
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You guys don't need love, you need LUST.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I would also suggest that both you and your wife get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. The book has things that the two of you need to do to build a healthier relationship.


This books is a typical pop-psychology book along the lines of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus except that it has a strong Christian slant. There is almost nothing in it that is useful in a relationship. What makes this book appear helpful to some is that it includes some common sense. Like, if you ignore your spouse, they will feel neglected. However, much like a horoscope, Dr. Harley makes assertions that are broad and even contradictory so that any outcome seems to match what he said.

He claims to show you the five things women need and five things men need but, in truth, you could get the same advice from watching shows from the 1950s.

Women's needs
1. Affection
2. Intimate conversation
3. Honesty and openness
4. Financial support
5. Family commitment

Men's needs
1. Sexual fulfillment
2. Recreational companionship
3. Physical attractiveness
4. Domestic support
5. Admiration

This is indeed the Ozzie and Harriet view of marriage where men are non-emotional breadwinners and women are innocent, Betty Crocker house-wives. You can find similar themes in popular literature like The Thorn Birds from 1977 and even older works like Wuthering Heights from 1846. You can hear these themes in popular music like Billy Joel's Tell Her About It.

If you were raised by wolves then this book will be full of useful advice.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

For those who suffer same problem like mine this is a good clue:
Understanding the Narcissist's Madonna-***** Complex

Narcissists have intimacy issues and cannot see their partner in a healthy way. They are unable to see what most men dream of in a woman — someone who is both sweet and sexy at the same time. They cannot help categorizing people into one of two separate categories — saintly or sexy. They find it impossible to see someone as both. To them, someone is one or the other, but never both. This is what psychologists refer to as a Madonna-***** Complex.

For example,if a woman is sweet and nice, the narcissist classifies her as a Madonna. If she treats him badly, she is defined as a *****. A Madonna is sexless. A ***** turns a narcissist on like nothing else. This is why the book "Why Men Love *****es" is such a huge bestseller.

In the beginning of a relationship, every woman is sexy to a narcissist because the thrill of the chase makes her enticing. The harder to get she plays, the sexier she becomes. However, once she has been conquered by the narcissist, she slowly loses her desirability. The more comfortable the relationship becomes and the more caring she becomes, the less enticing she is to him sexually. She loses her sex appeal and becomes a saintly Madonna figure.

A Madonna fulfills a narcissist’s need to be catered to like a child. A ***** fulfills his adult sexual needs. A ***** is the type of woman that turns a narcissist on. A Madonna is completely sexless. Over time, any woman who is good and caring to a narcissist will inevitably become sexless.

In an interview for Playboy, John Mayer said he would rather masturbate by himself than be with a real woman. In my opinion, this man is a perfect example of a raging narcissist who has significant Madonna-***** issues.

I believe the easy and instant access teenagers have to pornography today contributes to the development of a Madonna-***** Complex. When a teenager is repeatedly exposed to pornography, it can skew their understanding of intimacy.

Instead of learning that sex is something you save for someone you love, pornography teaches young men that sex is not sacred. It teaches them that sex need not be reserved for only the one you love. Many teens today are learning about sex and love through pornography. As a result, they see the two as mutually exclusive.

Just like the narcissist, they begin to view love as sexless, pure, and saintly; whereas sex is dirty and reserved for *****s. I believe this is one example of how modern society contributes to the increase of narcissism in our society.

If you are good to a narcissist, he eventually withdraws sexually from any type of intimate relationship you once had with him. It is inevitable in any long-term relationship with a narcissist. You become sexless.

Whether they revert to pornography or begin sleeping with others, the narcissist will always perceive the object of his sexual desire as dirty because that is the only thing that turns him on. A woman who is kind, sweet, and giving will always be viewed as a saintly, sexless Madonna to the narcissist.

He still needs you, no doubt. However, this is only because he needs you to cater to his child-like needs. He needs you to ensure that someone will always be present to validate him, should the outside world fall short of his expectations.

Ok, enough from me. I've shared my interpretation of the Madonna-***** Complex before. Below is a link to the article GreenGirl shared on our forum. This author explains the complex from a male perspective, which I believe is incredibly helpful to one's understanding of it.

http://www.examiner.com/men-s-dating-advice-in-los-angeles/when-you-unde...

My favorite part of what we wrote is this.....

"A fully evolved man can handle a woman having two opposing personalities in one body. In other words, a fully evolved man can handle a woman showing signs of both the proverbial 'good girl' and the 'naughty bad girl.' This is where the term, 'A lady in the streets, and a kinky freak in the sheets' comes from. If you can find a man like this, hold on to him!
~ Alan Roger Currie

Source: http://www.lisaescott.com/2012/02/19/understanding-narcissists-madonna*****-complex


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



treyvion said:


> You guys don't need love, you need LUST.


Mostly true !!!


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> For those who suffer same problem like mine this is a good clue:
> Understanding the Narcissist's Madonna-w.hore Complex


More pop psychology. You can hear this same theme in the song, "Lightening Strikes" by Lou Christie or "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich. Things that you hear on the radio are not hidden wisdom.



> Long quote from Lisa Scott's website...


Could we skip the fake psychology? It's not worth anything.

You've already said that you are aroused more by texting than by sex with a live person. That has nothing to do with an imaginary complex. If sexual response is your only problem, that can usually be improved.

How does your wife feel about sex? Does she want sex? Does she enjoy it? How much non-sexual touching is there between the two of you? How much time do you spend together?


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> More pop psychology. You can hear this same theme in the song, "Lightening Strikes" by Lou Christie or "Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich. Things that you hear on the radio are not hidden wisdom.
> 
> 
> Could we skip the fake psychology? It's not worth anything.
> ...


How does your wife feel about sex? Does she want sex? Does she enjoy it? How much non-sexual touching is there between the two of you? How much time do you spend together?[/QUOTE]

It seems that you don't trust today psychology at all!! OK let's try your advice's.

She enjoy doing sex. On time she said me that she want sex even every night. She said that every time that I caress your back it means that I want sex. And you know she do this regulary..
Yes it seems that she enjoy having sex with me.

There is a lot of non sexual touching between us . most of times from her.

I go to work every they at 7 am and when I come back at 6 pm we spend all of our time in home. But I usually make myself busy with internet and TV. But yeah there is pretty much time talking with her. All the weekend time is like that spending at home. Actually when I am alone for a few hours I feel a great release . but this happens only one or at max 2times a week.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

beautiful wife, wants to have sex with you.....

either her personality is terrible, or you are gay :rofl:


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> She enjoy doing sex. On time she said me that she want sex even every night. She said that every time that I caress your back it means that I want sex. And you know she do this regulary..
> Yes it seems that she enjoy having sex with me.
> 
> There is a lot of non sexual touching between us . most of times from her.
> ...


What is the most interesting thing you do when you are alone? Does she have interests that you don't share? Is there anything the two of you do together that you really enjoy? Do you sit where she couldn't be right next to you or do you sit where she could be close to you like on a couch?

When you know that she wants sex, do you avoid it? Do you make excuses not to have sex? When you are going to sleep do you cuddle or do you try to have space between you? Do you think about sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms?

Is there anything about your wife that arouses you sexually? And, this is an interesting question. If she were not your wife and you were texting with her, would you find that arousing?


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*

What is the most interesting thing you do when you are alone? 
Watching porn and jerking off. Or chatting with my cyber-gf erotically.
Does she have interests that you don't share? I'm not sure! 
Is there anything the two of you do together that you really enjoy? Watching movie at home.
Do you sit where she couldn't be right next to you or do you sit where she could be close to you like on a couch?
I usually sit on a coach as being close to her doesn't bother me much.

When you know that she wants sex, do you avoid it? 
Yes. I prevent her from toching down there.
Do you make excuses not to have sex? No . I just say her directly not to do that. When you are going to sleep do you cuddle or do you try to have space between you? I would like to have space so usually I tray to go to bed early .
Do you think about sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms? Mmm, yes that will be nice but never happened.

Is there anything about your wife that arouses you sexually? Mmm... No actually.
And, this is an interesting question. If she were not your wife and you were texting with her, would you find that arousing?before marriage we have had dirty chat several times and that was arousing but after the marriage not a single time. I even don't like to text her for other staff.

Watching porn and jerking off.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> What is the most interesting thing you do when you are alone? Does she have interests that you don't share? Is there anything the two of you do together that you really enjoy? Do you sit where she couldn't be right next to you or do you sit where she could be close to you like on a couch?
> 
> When you know that she wants sex, do you avoid it? Do you make excuses not to have sex? When you are going to sleep do you cuddle or do you try to have space between you? Do you think about sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms?
> 
> Is there anything about your wife that arouses you sexually? And, this is an interesting question. If she were not your wife and you were texting with her, would you find that arousing?


I wish the answers be clear.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



murphy5 said:


> beautiful wife, wants to have sex with you.....
> 
> either her personality is terrible, or you are gay :rofl:


Oh not gay at all!


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, some people are just incompatible. But if I were you, it sounds like she is a keeper. Try to figure out stuff to do together to bond more. try sports together, hiking, shopping, attend lectures, visit museums and take educational tours. in other words, try to find stuff that the two of you can both like to do...do it a lot....and see if your affection for her grows. The more emotional ties you form, the more likely it is you will find her attractive and stimulating.


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Arad said:


> Do you tell me that it is impossible to rebuild my previous love so I should divorce and let her go!!? I don't want this at all. Do you call the divorce a solution!!!!?this is just cleaning the problem itself
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Judging by some of the things you said? Yeah

You're happiest when she is out of the house
You want affair with one of your ex girlfriends
You been texting fat girl on internet
You laugh like a crazy man when I think about having a beautiful wife in bed and having an affair with an ugly girls on internet.

Come on man the writing is on the wall unless you can do a complete 180.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scientia said:


> What is the most interesting thing you do when you are alone? Does she have interests that you don't share? Is there anything the two of you do together that you really enjoy? Do you sit where she couldn't be right next to you or do you sit where she could be close to you like on a couch?
> 
> When you know that she wants sex, do you avoid it? Do you make excuses not to have sex? When you are going to sleep do you cuddle or do you try to have space between you? Do you think about sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms?
> 
> Is there anything about your wife that arouses you sexually? And, this is an interesting question. If she were not your wife and you were texting with her, would you find that arousing?


This is down right funny. First you post saying that "His Needs, Her Needs" is useless. Then you set about asking the kind of things that the book would have a couple evaluate.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> beautiful wife, wants to have sex with you.....
> 
> either her personality is terrible, or you are gay :rofl:


We need to learn how too build LUST where none currently exists.

How is that done?

Hookers do it. Not prostitutes, but females who know how to play men. A lot of it is using the eyes and senses to attract them, knowing what they want to see.

Other part of it is managing the conversation and situations.

Obviously it can all be structured.b


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> First you post saying that "His Needs, Her Needs" is useless. Then you set about asking the kind of things that the book would have a couple evaluate.


You claim that is in the book. I have a copy. Tell me what page that is on.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> If she were not your wife and you were texting with her, would you find that arousing?before marriage we have had dirty chat several times and that was arousing but after the marriage not a single time. I even don't like to text her for other staff.


Your answers are about what I expected. Okay, more questions.

Do you enjoy affection from your wife? This would include things like kissing either with or without tongue, hugs, caresses, cuddling.

So, we know that if your wife texted you and wanted to have erotic chat, you would be aroused. And, you've said that when she initiates sex, you have no interest. Imagine that your wife approached you physically but she was wearing a mask or a veil. Would that change your interest?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Arad said:


> Oh not gay at all!


Didn't you say that your wife is good to look at? That she has great physical features, it's just that she doesn't make you horny.

So she needs more of that ****/lust factor to light your jets?

That's what you make it sound like.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*

Do you enjoy affection from your wife? This would include things like kissing either with or without tongue, hugs, caresses, cuddling.
No! I try to avoid this even.

So, we know that if your wife texted you and wanted to have erotic chat, you would be aroused. And, you've said that when she initiates sex, you have no interest. 
No. I said that arousing by texting was true for our pre-marriage time.

Imagine that your wife approached you physically but she was wearing a mask or a veil. Would that change your interest? 
It could be a help I think. Ya it is better not to see her face during sex.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



treyvion said:


> Didn't you say that your wife is good to look at? That she has great physical features, it's just that she doesn't make you horny.
> 
> So she needs more of that ****/lust factor to light your jets?
> 
> That's what you make it sound like.


I know it is her fault too. Maybe she should treat me in other way.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Arad said:


> I know it is her fault too. Maybe she should treat me in other way.


Your problem is not her fault.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> Do you enjoy affection from your wife? This would include things like kissing either with or without tongue, hugs, caresses, cuddling.
> No! I try to avoid this even.


Is there anyone you would enjoy these things with?



> So, we know that if your wife texted you and wanted to have erotic chat, you would be aroused. And, you've said that when she initiates sex, you have no interest.
> No. I said that arousing by texting was true for our pre-marriage time.


Let me clarify this. If your wife texted you now and began exchanging erotic messages would that arouse you?


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> I know it is her fault too. Maybe she should treat me in other way.


If you are aware of something then I would like to hear it. What way would you like her to treat you or what could she do that would arouse you or make you happy?


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Divorce this poor girl.

You have online girlfriends, jerk off to porn all the time, and can't even look at her during sex.

You would rather sleep in separate beds, never touch her, and never talk to her.

You have some major problems. Divorce her ASAP and get yourself in some counseling to figure out what the heck is wrong with you.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



TiggyBlue said:


> Your problem is not her fault.


My problem is her problem. I believe her behavior made things worse


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> Is there anyone you would enjoy these things with?
> 
> 
> Let me clarify this. If your wife texted you now and began exchanging erotic messages would that arouse you?


Yes. Every girl but my wife.
No if she text me it can't be arusal


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> If you are aware of something then I would like to hear it. What way would you like her to treat you or what could she do that would arouse you or make you happy?


I was thinking about this question for a long time. Although I don't like make her to be someone else but maybe if she treat like a hooker at bed that could be sexy. 
But it could be funny too if she behave like a hooker. I can't imagine that.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



TheCuriousWife said:


> Divorce this poor girl.
> 
> You have online girlfriends, jerk off to porn all the time, and can't even look at her during sex.
> 
> ...


I'm not with my ex for a month. I broke up. And when I can't enjoy sex with my wife what should I do!? Not to jerk off and wait? 
I abondon masturbation from when I started this topic here anyway.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



TheCuriousWife said:


> Divorce this poor girl.
> 
> You have online girlfriends, jerk off to porn all the time, and can't even look at her during sex.
> 
> ...


And don't think that her life is ruined. Maybe she is not the happiest wife but it seems she to be some sort of happy. Beside my negative points I have a lot of positives too. 
Even I think who is suffering more is me.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



EleGirl said:


> This is down right funny. First you post saying that "His Needs, Her Needs" is useless. Then you set about asking the kind of things that the book would have a couple evaluate.


I appreciate that madona.w.hire complex. That was a good clue. Thank you


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Arad said:


> I'm not with my ex for a month. I broke up. And when I can't enjoy sex with my wife what should I do!? Not to jerk off and wait?
> I abondon masturbation from when I started this topic here anyway.


Maybe you should figure out why you can't enjoy sex with your wife instead of putting all your energy into other women and porn.

I still vote the easier and better way. Divorce and let your wife find someone who loves and desires her.


----------



## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Arad said:


> And don't think that her life is ruined. Maybe she is not the happiest wife but it seems she to be some sort of happy. Beside my negative points I have a lot of positives too.
> Even I think who is suffering more is me.


People who beat their wives still have some positives too I'm sure. 

That doesn't make them any better.

I'm sorry, but no one deserves to be in a relationship where their partner is too disgusted to even look at them or talk to them.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



GinnyTonia said:


> Did I just read that? Did everyone else miss it?
> 
> I don't see how you're ever going to be able to focus your sexual energy on your wife while you have a cyber gf who is getting you off in the way you say is easiest for you.
> 
> ...


Are u speaking from sexual energy!? I am too horney now but I don't want to go to bed with her. Now what did you do if u were in my shoes!!?

There is no more cheating and jerking either.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> Yes. Every girl but my wife.
> No if she text me it can't be arusal


Okay, this is interesting. You want affection, hugging, kissing from another woman but not your wife? What is different about your feelings with your wife? Try to imagine for a moment that you are sitting in a chair with your eyes closed. Your wife is sitting on your lap facing you. She puts her arms around you and then hugs you tight. What emotions would you feel?



> I was thinking about this question for a long time. Although I don't like make her to be someone else but maybe if she treat like a hooker at bed that could be sexy.
> But it could be funny too if she behave like a hooker. I can't imagine that.


That's also an interesting response. If we can figure out the other problem, there might be some exercises you could try. But the affection part has to be taken care of as well. We can't fix your sexual attraction by itself.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



TheCuriousWife said:


> People who beat their wives still have some positives too I'm sure.
> 
> That doesn't make them any better.
> 
> I'm sorry, but no one deserves to be in a relationship where their partner is too disgusted to even look at them or talk to them.


She is not disgusting but lovely. Do u avoid mating with our brother because he is disgusting!? 
It seems that most of u are against me although I'm trying to make my wife happy! 
Maybe ur husbands are worse than me! Who knows?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Arad said:


> Are u speaking from sexual energy!? I am too horney now but I don't want to go to bed with her. Now what did you do if u were in my shoes!!?
> 
> There is no more cheating and jerking either.


In your shoes? I would seek counseling to uncover why the word "wife" or the role wife means non sexual to you.Because it sounds to me like you think sex is dirty. So dirty that it is not something you can do with the woman who is now your wife. BECAUSE she is your wife.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> Okay, this is interesting. You want affection, hugging, kissing from another woman but not your wife? What is different about your feelings with your wife? Try to imagine for a moment that you are sitting in a chair with your eyes closed. Your wife is sitting on your lap facing you. She puts her arms around you and then hugs you tight. What emotions would you feel?
> 
> 
> That's also an interesting response. If we can figure out the other problem, there might be some exercises you could try. But the affection part has to be taken care of as well. We can't fix your sexual attraction by itself.


I feel like no I don't want you to be such close. When u want to stand up and go. So I try to disturb her by making fun of the situation.
Now I see I have had same feelings about my second ex girlfriend when she was in my bed for the second time I wasn't curious about her body and reactions so the sex with her for second time was not too interesting.

Beside this ten years ago I fell in love with a dominant girl. Our relationship prolonged for 8 years. I did a lot of dirty texting with her but only 3 times some sort if real sex as she was in a far city. She was the only girl in my life which really stamiulate me mentally. I think she is the only one who really I want to fuc.k .
Please don't ask why we didn't married.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Arad said:


> My problem is her problem. I believe her behavior made things worse


It is her problem, she has a husband that would rather watch porn than have sex with her and is cyber cheating. You doing that isn't still isn't her fault, your actions are all on you.
I am curious though what how you believe her behavior made things worse?


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> I feel like no I don't want you to be such close. When u want to stand up and go. So I try to disturb her by making fun of the situation.


Okay, but you said that you would like this with someone else. Describe what kind of woman you would like to sit on your lap and do the same things. Describe your feelings about it and why it would interest you.



> Beside this ten years ago I fell in love with a dominant girl. Our relationship prolonged for 8 years. I did a lot of dirty texting with her but only 3 times some sort if real sex as she was in a far city. She was the only girl in my life which really stamiulate me mentally. I think she is the only one who really I want to fuc.k .
> Please don't ask why we didn't married.


I'm not sure if you mean dominant or sexually expressive. What is the difference between the way she texted and how your wife texted before you were married?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scientia said:


> This books is a typical pop-psychology book along the lines of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus except that it has a strong Christian slant. There is almost nothing in it that is useful in a relationship. What makes this book appear helpful to some is that it includes some common sense. Like, if you ignore your spouse, they will feel neglected. However, much like a horoscope, Dr. Harley makes assertions that are broad and even contradictory so that any outcome seems to match what he said.
> 
> He claims to show you the five things women need and five things men need but, in truth, you could get the same advice from watching shows from the 1950s.
> 
> ...


This post completely mischaracterizes what the book says.

It lists what it says are the 10 most important emotional needs that people have. He does not say that one group of needs are women's needs and one group are men's needs. 

He does give a list of how he typically sees men and women rank their needs, he does not say that this how all men/women do it nor that some needs are exclusively women's needs and some are exclusively men's needs.

The idea of the book is to get a couple talking. It gives a framework that helps. I know for a fact that a lot of people find the book extremely useful and have used it to finally open up , talk to their spouse and get their marriage back on track. 

If you don't like the book, that's fair. You are entitled to your opinion. But to blatantly mischaracterize the book to this extent is a disservice.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is downright funny. First you post saying that "His Needs, Her Needs" is useless. Then you set about asking the kind of things that the book would have a couple evaluate.





scientia said:


> You claim that is in the book. I have a copy. Tell me what page that is on.


Yes, the book tells couples to think about that they need as individuals and then to discuss it with each other in great detail. Then to come up with how they will get their own needs met and how they will meet each other’s needs.

The questions you are asking him are to identify his needs and even how his wife might be able to meet them. To identify her needs and how he might be about to meet them.

The below question is they type of thing that the book encourages people to think about and couples to discuss... as are other questions you are asking.


scientia said:


> What way would you like her to treat you or what could she do that would arouse you or make you happy?




Arad also has issues that go beyond what the book can help with as he seems to have a very unhealthy habit of porn use and masturbation as a replacement of having sex with a live human. Plus he seems unable to want to have sex with his attractive and willing wife. Helping him fix this is beyond anything we can do for him on this forum. That’s why a MC/Sex-therapist has been suggested several times on here.

You asking him if it would help if his wife wore a mask is just bazaar. Asking him who he wants to sit on his lap is even more bazaar.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This post completely mischaracterizes what the book says.


Okay, then let's quote from the book.



> It lists what it says are the 10 most important emotional needs that people have.


You obviously missed the section heading in chapter 1:

*His Needs Are Not Hers*


Then here is what he says in the text:

_Nearly every time I asked couples to list their needs according to their priority, men listed them one way and women the opposite way. Of the ten basic emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice versa. What an insight! No wonder husbands and wives have so much difficulty meeting each other’s needs._



> He does not say that one group of needs are women's needs and one group are men's needs.


Actually he says this in chapter 1 which I already quoted. However, let's look at the names of chapters 3 - 12.

3 The First Thing *She* Can’t Do Without—Affection
4. The First Thing *He* Can’t Do Without—Sexual Fulfillment 
5. The Second Thing *She* Can’t Do Without—Intimate Conversation 
6. The Second Thing *He* Can’t Do Without—Recreational Companionship 
7. *She* Needs to Trust Him Totally—Honesty and Openness 
8. *He* Needs a Good-Looking Wife—Physical Attractiveness 
9. *She* Needs Enough Money to Live Comfortably—Financial Support 
10. *He* Needs Peace and Quiet—Domestic Support 
11. *She* Needs Him to Be a Good Father—Family Commitment 
12. *He* Needs Her to Be Proud of Him—Admiration

Notice how half of these are described as her needs and half are described as his needs? This is the same as the first quote I gave. There are only 14 chapters so this is most of the book.



> He does give a list of how he typically sees men and women rank their needs, he does not say that this how all men/women do it nor that some needs are exclusively women's needs and some are exclusively men's needs.


Let's see.

_To most women, affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort, and approval, vitally important commodities in their eyes.

I’ve mentioned hugging several times because I believe it is a skill most men need to develop to show their wife affection.

Most women love to hug. They hug each other; they hug children, animals, relatives—even stuffed animals.

It gets much worse. Many men don’t ever want to be affectionate. They don’t think it should be necessary, even when having sex.

Affection is so important for women that they become confused when their husband doesn’t respond in kind.
_


I guess I'm failing to see that balance you are talking about. Affection is described almost entirely as something women really need but men don't. What am I missing?



> The idea of the book is to get a couple talking. It gives a framework that helps. I know for a fact that a lot of people find the book extremely useful and have used it to finally open up , talk to their spouse and get their marriage back on track.


This is a valid point. He says:

_By learning to understand yourself and your spouse as totally unique people with particular emotional needs, you can identify your needs and communicate them to each other._

However, I should also point out the Appendix B Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Is it really as general as you claim?

1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfillment
3. Intimate Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty and Openness
6. Physical Attractiveness
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support
9. Family Commitment
10. Admiration

Notice how this is a repetition of chapters 3-12? And, he clearly intends for you to use it since he says:
_
You have the permission of the publisher to photocopy the questionnaire for use in your own marriage._




> If you don't like the book, that's fair. You are entitled to your opinion. But to blatantly mischaracterize the book to this extent is a disservice.


Where did I do that?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scientia,

This is turning into a thread jack. If you want to discuss what you think about a particular book, perhaps you could start a thread about the topic.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The questions you are asking him are to identify his needs and even how his wife might be able to meet them. To identify her needs and how he might be about to meet them.


The questions I asked were to see if I could identify the problem. I would have to do that before I could make any suggestions.



> The below question is they type of thing that the book encourages people to think about and couples to discuss... as are other questions you are asking.


Not really. The book is very general. 



> Arad also has issues that go beyond what the book can help with


So, first you got mad because I said the book was useless. But, now you are agreeing with me?



> You asking him if it would help if his wife wore a mask is just bazaar. Asking him who he wants to sit on his lap is even more bazaar.


Yes, I could see how these could be perceived as bizarre if you had no idea why I asked them. And, you would probably have no idea if you get your information from self help books.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> scientia,
> 
> This is turning into a thread jack. If you want to discuss what you think about a particular book, perhaps you could start a thread about the topic.


It's not really a thread-jack. I described the book that you suggested. If you are now embarrassed by your own suggestion, I'm sorry. However, I don't see how an understanding of what is in the book could hurt. You did say that my characterization was unfair.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scientia said:


> It's not really a thread-jack. I described the book that you suggested. If you are now embarrassed by your own suggestion, I'm sorry. However, I don't see how an understanding of what is in the book could hurt. You did say that my characterization was unfair.


I'm not embarrassed about my suggestion. I stand by it. But I'm not going to turn this thread into a discussion about a book. IT's a thread jack. How hard is that to understand.

I will repeat: If you want to discuss your interpretation of the book you can start a new thread on the topic. That's how we do it here.

A lot of people here are very familiar with the book and would most likely join in.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



NobodySpecial said:


> In your shoes? I would seek counseling to uncover why the word "wife" or the role wife means non sexual to you.Because it sounds to me like you think sex is dirty. So dirty that it is not something you can do with the woman who is now your wife. BECAUSE she is your wife.


This is some sort of counseling anyway


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



TiggyBlue said:


> It is her problem, she has a husband that would rather watch porn than have sex with her and is cyber cheating. You doing that isn't still isn't her fault, your actions are all on you.
> I am curious though what how you believe her behavior made things worse?


For example maybe she could do an strip dance for me but that never happened and I don't like to tell her u should be more sexy.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

scientia said:


> So, first you got mad because I said the book was useless. But, now you are agreeing with me?


You mischaracterized the book.

No I did not agree that the book is useless. No book fits all things. It’s an extremely good book for the purpose it was intended. Marital problems are often like an onion. When one layer is peeled back, there is another that has to be dealt with. Arad has sexual issues that need a lot of attention for a professional in the field. They are in addition to other marital issues that exist. Because of his problems his wife’s sexual fulfillment needs are not being met. This is usually very devastating to a woman when her husband so completely rejects her sexually. So in this one area they need more help. But the book can be a tool to help them open up the discussion and to start being honest with each other.



scientia said:


> Yes, I could see how these could be perceived as bizarre if you had no idea why I asked them. And, you would probably have no idea if you get your information from self help books.


I that supposed to be an insult? Surely you can do a lot better.:rofl:


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> For example maybe she could do an strip dance for me but that never happened and I don't like to tell her u should be more sexy.


The more you reject her, the less likely she will be to develop into a very sex woman. Sex takes practice. With a healthy sex life you can suggest thing and slowly get her to try new things.

This is one thing that you can address if you go to a MC/Sex-therapist... you can talk about what your wife can do. Sometimes having the sex therapist introduce new things and let you wife know that they are ok works very well.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> Okay, but you said that you would like this with someone else. Describe what kind of woman you would like to sit on your lap and do the same things. Describe your feelings about it and why it would interest you.
> 
> 
> I'm not sure if you mean dominant or sexually expressive. What is the difference between the way she texted and how your wife texted before you were married?


There is no difference between texting with my ex and my wife.

I have had a lot of argument with my firs gf which I really want to fu.ck. she was 3 years older and treat me like she is the boss. When I fuc.ked her I felt that finally I mastered her so that felt nice. She was skinny and not a pretty girl but I could saw her wild nature through her eyes. That was not easy to take off her clothes as she always resist delibratly and that made me hornier. I can't forget her loud moans during sex. After doing different fuc.king positions at last she swallowed every drip of my cum like a *****. That is what I like.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> There is no difference between texting with my ex and my wife.
> 
> I have had a lot of argument with my firs gf which I really want to fu.ck. she was 3 years older and treat me like she is the boss. When I fuc.ked her I felt that finally I mastered her so that felt nice. She was skinny and not a pretty girl but I could saw her wild nature through her eyes. That was not easy to take off her clothes as she always resist delibratly and that made me hornier. I can't forget her loud moans during sex. After doing different fuc.king positions at last she swallowed every drip of my cum like a *****. That is what I like.


Do you ever discuss sex with your wife? 

Have you told her that you like it like this?

Have asked her to watch movies with you are hot, that show what you want?

If not why?


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



GinnyTonia said:


> I'm not against you Arad, I am giving you the most obvious and practical suggestions to start working on this problem.
> 
> I have been in your shoes as far as living a life of near constant arousal. A major difference is that I did want my exH, and get this, he did not want me. He resented me and thought he could do better, even though he found me to be one of the most beautiful women he had known. I lived with constant rejection and him treating my advances as jokes, as if treating my desire as silly would reduce my desire or soften the blow. It only accomplished in making me feel lonely, unwanted, and unloved. It was physically and emotionally painful.
> 
> ...


Your story sound familiar. I m sorry to hear that. 
I'm searching for a cure to that Madonna whor.e complex cyberly.
About the consular I should say that before coming to this froum I knew that there are consular and sex therapists out there but don't believe on them as I tested a couple of them. They always try to categorize you in one of there predefine categories and tell you what told to others. I found them not helpful. I'm seeking with similar problems here and want to use experience s.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



EleGirl said:


> The more you reject her, the less likely she will be to develop into a very sex woman. Sex takes practice. With a healthy sex life you can suggest thing and slowly get her to try new things.
> 
> This is one thing that you can address if you go to a MC/Sex-therapist... you can talk about what your wife can do. Sometimes having the sex therapist introduce new things and let you wife know that they are ok works very well.


Beside this posts I'm trying to experience don't watching porn and no masturbation . I think I can fix the problem with doing such actions . I should.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



EleGirl said:


> Do you ever discuss sex with your wife?
> 
> Have you told her that you like it like this?
> 
> ...


I'm not sure if this is OK to push her in porn hole like me. If I knew this is OK I will found that helpful for sure.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> I'm not sure if this is OK to push her in porn hole like me. If I knew this is OK I will found that helpful for sure.


If you go slow, then you might very well be able to get her to do more of the things that you like.

For example start with movies that just have some sex scenes, then bring in some erotic films. There are some that are geared more towards women. They have more of a story and are not so hard core. Don't expect her to go from o to 10000 in one week. Give it time.

If you went to a MC/sex-therapist and explained that you really want to encourage your wife to be more wild sexually, they should have things that they can suggest that you do. They can even talk to your wife about it. Shoot tell your wife that you want to go to the sex therapist for you and ask her to join you. Then that will give you a good, healthy avenue into this topic with her. 

Over time you can most likely develop a relationship with your wife where you can talk about anything dealing with sex. 

You are the more experienced partner... so there is a lot that you can show her.

Just be sensitive and caring about it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad said:


> I'm not sure if this is OK to push her in porn hole like me. If I knew this is OK I will found that helpful for sure.


Ok I just re-read this and got a better sense of what you were saying.

Porn is an issue with you that you need to avoid. I see your concern. 

There is porn and then there are things that are more erotic. There are love story movies that have some really good sex scenes. A lot of them leave some to the imagination. IF your wife was a virgin when you married her and has little to no experience with sex, she might very well have no clue about a lot of what sex is. Some good erotic movies (the kind with good stories) might give her some good ideas.

Do you see what i'm getting at?

ETA: Part of this is that you have to have the rule that you never use PORN by yourself. And when you do watch any erotica it's with your wife and it leads to intimacy/sex with her.


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

Arad said:


> There is no difference between texting with my ex and my wife.


So then text from your wife should also arouse you, shouldn't it?



> I have had a lot of argument with my firs gf which I really want to fu.ck. she was 3 years older and treat me like she is the boss. When I fuc.ked her I felt that finally I mastered her so that felt nice. She was skinny and not a pretty girl but I could saw her wild nature through her eyes. That was not easy to take off her clothes as she always resist delibratly and that made me hornier. I can't forget her loud moans during sex. After doing different fuc.king positions at last she swallowed every drip of my cum like a *****. That is what I like.


Okay, so specifics. Are you saying that your wife is too passive or not sexually adventurous enough? You've already said that she initiates sex and that you reject her. Would you like her to be more insistent?


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



EleGirl said:


> If you go slow, then you might very well be able to get her to do more of the things that you like.
> 
> For example start with movies that just have some sex scenes, then bring in some erotic films. There are some that are geared more towards women. They have more of a story and are not so hard core. Don't expect her to go from o to 10000 in one week. Give it time.
> 
> ...


Do you know a good book for self sex therapy? I dont expect her to go fast. We do have a lot of porn channels in TV which we could see together . the problem is I don't know if porn could ruin her mind like me or not. I don't want to see her not interested in me anymore because of seeing porn.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



EleGirl said:


> Ok I just re-read this and got a better sense of what you were saying.
> 
> Porn is an issue with you that you need to avoid. I see your concern.
> 
> ...


OK . would you please name some of those safe erotic movies?


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



scientia said:


> So then text from your wife should also arouse you, shouldn't it?
> 
> 
> Okay, so specifics. Are you saying that your wife is too passive or not sexually adventurous enough? You've already said that she initiates sex and that you reject her. Would you like her to be more insistent?


Texting with her should arouse me but it didn't actually.
The answer to the second question is yes. I like her to be more adventurous. And not too be easily available.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> Porn is killing your ability to get aroused by your wife. Too much master action is satisfying your sexual hunger. Divorce her so that she can find a good normal man. You are a freak and I pray the mafia does something to you so your wife can be happy.


The last sentence of this post is really going too far. Wish that the OP is killed is not acceptable. Plus, aren't you doing some stereotyping there about the Mafia just because Arad is in Italy.

.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Arad said:


> Texting with her should arouse me but it didn't actually.
> The answer to the second question is yes. I like her to be more adventurous. And not too be easily available.


You should've said this to start the post. This makes perfect sense and if a female said it we would understand.

I understand what you are saying. With you wording it like this I think you have plenty of hope.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad,

I see three issues here that need to be addressed. As I said earlier they are like an onion, when you fix one issue, it exposes the next.

*The first issue* is your porn/masturbation issue. This has to be dealt with first before anything else can be worked on. There are several sites and books that could help you. I'm not sure that which ones would be right for you. The link below is to a site that I've heard a lot about. You might want to start there. My take on it is that giving up porn/masturbation is going to be a real challenge. So you will need all the help you can get on this.

Tools For Change: Recovery from Porn Addiction | Your Brain On Porn

Besides the above link you might want to do some google searches and look at book on sites like amazon.com

*The second issue* I see is the Madonna-***** Complex thing. I did do some searched on Amazon and found one book. It has mixed reviews.

http://www.amazon.com/Madonna-*****-Complex-Love-Without-ebook/dp/B0055PQ18U

I think that you really need to get professional help with the Madonna Shore Complex thing, or whatever it is that is causing you to not be sexually aroused by your wife.

*The third issue* I see is you doing things with your wife that will enhance your (both of your) sex life, you helping to get her to be more adventuresome, etc.

Since you have no sex life with your wife right now, this is going to have to be something that you do a bit down the road. First you need to stop the porn/masturbation for a few weeks up to 6 months. Check out the site I posted above for how to go about this and for how long you will need to do it.

I can start a thread here on TAM so that people can suggest some good erotic films. 

Have you read the threads on here about “50 Shades of Grey”? Maybe she’d enjoy those books. 

You have a really complex problem on your hands here. I really think that you need some professional help to make it through this. Your wife needs to know about the issues and work through them with you. This is not something that you do on your own. You have to talk to her and make her part of fixing your marriage and your joint sex life.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Arad said:


> For example maybe she could do an strip dance for me but that never happened and I don't like to tell her u should be more sexy.


If you haven't communicated to her you like that sort of thing and she has never done it before how is she suppose to know that you would like one?
It seriously sounds like you need to start communicating with your wife.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Arad,

I created a thread for you asking about erotic movies...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/210858-erotic-films-couples-not-pure-porn.html#post9813658


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TiggyBlue said:


> Has she ever done anything like strip dances before?


Yea, I was wondering if she would enjoy to learn pole dancing. It's become quite the sport. I'd do it if I were younger.


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

Thank you EleGirl you are friendly and too supportive. 
I don't think leaving porn and masturbation make me any trouble. Masturbating twice a week is not too much but I never do that again. I wish I see a progress with you guys.
Thank u


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



TiggyBlue said:


> If you haven't communicated to her you like that sort of thing and she has never done it before how is she suppose to know that you would like one?
> It seriously sounds like you need to start communicating with your wife.


I'll try to speak with her about this .


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



treyvion said:


> You should've said this to start the post. This makes perfect sense and if a female said it we would understand.
> 
> I understand what you are saying. With you wording it like this I think you have plenty of hope.


Plenty of hope after my murder ?


----------



## Arad (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: Re: I'm not attracted to my beautiful wife sexually.*



WalterWhite said:


> Porn is killing your ability to get aroused by your wife. Too much master action is satisfying your sexual hunger. Divorce her so that she can find a good normal man. You are a freak and I pray the mafia does something to you so your wife can be happy.


Plenty of hope after my murder by mafia?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Arad said:


> Plenty of hope after my murder ?


What? They are going to do you in because you want heat and passion with your own wife? People have been killed for far less though I guess.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Here is a link on what porn does to your brain, your body and your relationships with women.

My Brain on Porn (life story + personal observations + few important questions) | Reuniting

Your first step should be to stop watching porn, stop the masturbating, and cyber sex chats. You will go through withdrawals, but your brain can rebuild normal neural connections with time. Your wife is not the problem, your "extracurricular activities" have changed your brain.

Edited to add: Your wife doesn't need to start watching or reading porn. What she needs is a husband who is hot for her and makes her feel desired.


----------



## 3kgtmitsu (Jul 28, 2012)

Women from some cultures are raised to be very submissive to their mate...sounds to me like you do not like this...and as a result have turned to other sources. Problem is sexual programming is a pretty deep seated issue...we all have different mechanisms that turn us on...I think if you and your wife openly and honestly express what makes you tick you can meet in the middle...it's something that can be fixed if you truely love her...you just gotta realize and work on the fact that you have some unhealthy programming sexually...physical beauty has very little to do with it...

It's the same reason some people wind up having affairs...the riskiness and the fact that is 'wrong' is what turns them on...my best friends wife was like this and never could stay faithful.

We were never intended to think this way sexually but it's just a by product of the way we are raised and the stuff we are exposed to. Pretty sad when it takes something sinful to arouse us.

But it's far more common than most people admit or realize. 

It will take time my friend but the first step is admitting you have a problem...so you are on the right path.

I think there is at least some level of being attracted to other people no matter who you are with or married to...but your bond with your wife should be strong enough that this should not effect you in such a way.

Be glad you have such a good wife willing to put up with this...Because there are certainly plenty of men out there that would die for a down to earth submissive wife...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

