# Wife spends like we have unlimited income



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

I don't know what else to do now to try to get it through to my wife that she is spending beyond our means. She's trying to book a $5,000 vacation for us for July and then another girls trip in August that's going to cost at least $300. She's ordering crap she doesn't need almost every day on Amazon and it's been nearly impossible to set a budget. I tried to reason with her and suggest we set a limit for each of us to spend on whatever we wanted (no questions asked) to which she accused me of trying to give her an allowance like I was trying to control her. I don't have enough money saved for my kids' college because I don't have enough money leftover after everything is paid. I am tired of having to pull money from our savings account to cover our every day expenses until the next check comes in. We have $3,000 left over after all expenses are paid (each pay period) but going in the negative instead because of the constant spending. I am out of ideas. Any suggestions?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Cut. Her. Off.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You could start by getting separate bank accounts and not giving her access to yours. You also need to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Either the spending stops and she gets a hobby or therapy instead, or she gets a divorce. It may be cheaper to get rid of her, in the long run. 

Does she work?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Set the boundaries now. This will get WAY out of hand in a hurry. For many, over-spending is a coping mechanism. Much like over-eating. She's not coping with life in a healthy way. Play the part of the tough love bad guy and put a stop to it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@DawgFan79, I agree with everyone so far. A lot of people use excessive spending as a coping mechanism. Have you asked your wife if anything is wrong? Maybe there's something going on with her.

Other than that, I really like @bobert's idea of separate bank accounts and not giving her access to yours. Does she work outside of the home? What was her childhood like? I'm wondering if she was handed everything on a silver platter and never had to actually work for anything. She may not actually KNOW the value of money, if that's the case. 

Personally, if it were my spouse, I would sit them down and tell them how bad of a situation they're digging the marriage into, and tell them that their spending has to stop, now. If they don't like that option, I would suggest separate bank accounts, and if they didn't like that option, I would ask them to please move out and into their own place.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My buddy tried all that BS. Separate accounts... spending limits...etc..etc...etc. After the third time bailing themselves out of her hidden credit cards I thought he would finally divorce her.... but he didn’t. Finally she cheated on him and they divorced.
Look man... you can let her run all over you and prevent your children from going to college without massive debt.... or you can take the bull by the horns and dump her. Drop divorce papers on her so she gets the point... you can retract later but the truth is that the dynamic isn’t going to change because she already knows she can take advantage of you.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

You have $3K left over each pay period and you are upset because your vacation is going to be 5K? And she wants to spend $300 on a girl's trip? Is this right?? Why does everything have to be so hard. She's your wife not your employee. You didn't say you had massive debt and $300 on a girl's trip isn't a lot. 

So take some of the advice on here and yeah go file and dump her. See what little money really means. I mean come on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gold5932 said:


> You have $3K left over each pay period and you are upset because your vacation is going to be 5K? And she wants to spend $300 on a girl's trip? Is this right?? Why does everything have to be so hard. She's your wife not your employee. You didn't say you had massive debt and $300 on a girl's trip isn't a lot.
> 
> So take some of the advice on here and yeah go file and dump her. See what little money really means. I mean come on.


$3,000 before her personal spending. Apparently she’s spending that and more.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

DawgFan79 said:


> I don't have enough money saved for my kids' college because I don't have enough money leftover after everything is paid.


Just curious, why did you say they were "my" kids instead of "our" kids? Are there fiefdoms in your household? Control issues?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DawgFan79 said:


> Any suggestions?


You open a bank account in your name only. You have all of your money deposited there. You then remove her as authorized user on any credit cards, remove yourself from joint cards and then close the account, etc. You control the finances completely. If she complains then man Hell up and tell her that if she wants to spend she can spend the money she earns after she kicks in her 50% of the household expenses. It really is that simple.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> $3,000 before her personal spending. Apparently she’s spending that and more.


As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

gold5932 said:


> As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


That may be true from a legal standpoint, but If he's the main earner, as it seems to be in a majority of cases, that type of thinking is going to go very badly.....as it seems like it has already....

I guess it would help to know what the dynamic is as far as who is bringing what into the house..Not that keeping a scorecard is healthy in a marriage, but if they aren't on the same page when it comes to money, then that's exactly what starts to happen(scorecard)..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gold5932 said:


> As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


Common sense is not so common.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like your new user name didn't take. PM @EleGirl if you still want to change to PianoMan1979.

Your wife doesn't respect you. Have you tried marriage counseling to sort all of the marital issues? Your children will suffer from your wife's spending habits.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Get her some financial education. I think Dave Ramsey has a program. There are financial counselors like marriage counselors. Avail yourself of their services. 

Ask her why she spends so much & what she thinks the future is going to look like if you have no savings?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

gold5932 said:


> She has as much right to the money as he does.


Sounds like, to me, that he needs to have as much right to money as she does.

BTDT. You are in the same "place" I was.... my choice was to have a bad marriage with a lot of debt, or only a bad marriage. That's what your choices are.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

The poster doesn't say they have a bad marriage, is in financial ruin, he makes all the money or really any of the above accusations. He says his wife spends too much money in his view. He needs to follow up so sound advice can be made.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

gold5932 said:


> As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


You are not wrong it is THEIR money, however she is being extremely irresponsible with THEIR money so he needs to take full control until she can learn how to manage finances. At this point she is putting theirs and their childrens security at risk. Right now she's acting like a clueless college student with no self control who just got their first credit card.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You are not wrong it is THEIR money, however she is being extremely irresponsible with THEIR money so he needs to take full control until she can learn how to manage finances. At this point she is putting theirs and their childrens security at risk. Right now she's acting like a clueless college student with no self control who just got their first credit card.


If she was main earner would you say same thing? The examples of spending is not extreme compared to available money.
They have 72k a year after expenses. That’s quite a bit. I would never put up with my husband taking credit cards. That’s crazy. He needs to answer more questions. Just saying.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

gold5932 said:


> If she was main earner would you say same thing? The examples of spending is not extreme compared to available money.
> They have 72k a year after expenses. That’s quite a bit. I would never put up with my husband taking credit cards. That’s crazy. He needs to answer more questions. Just saying.


I absolutely would. If one persons spending is limiting their ability to invest in vital areas it's a problem no matter how much disposable income. My wife and I have hundreds of thousands a year left over after basics and I don't think my wife spends 72k a year in miscellaneous stuff. If you include vacations then yes but we include savings, retirement, college, kids funds etc. in the basics, money goes there before anything purely discretionary. Thats personal finance 101. If my wife was spending all of our free cash flow I would shut her down, she would do the same to me if I was the spender. Out of control spending without regard for actual priorities = financial infidelity.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I absolutely would. If one persons spending is limiting their ability to invest in vital areas it's a problem no matter how much disposable income. My wife and I have hundreds of thousands a year left over after basics and I don't think my wife spends 72k a year in miscellaneous stuff. If you include vacations then yes but we include savings, retirement, college, kids funds etc. in the basics, money goes there before anything purely discretionary. Thats personal finance 101. If my wife was spending all of our free cash flow I would shut her down, she would do the same to me if I was the spender. Out of control spending without regard for actual priorities = financial infidelity.


I won’t argue with you over an issue we really have no idea about. Finance 101 is pretty simple but to tell someone to dump their wife is pretty inexcusable.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Out of control spending without regard for actual priorities = financial infidelity.


Agree. I said to myself many times that I wished she would just go find a boyfriend. I could deal with that a lot better than having my goals blocked and my hours spent on paying for unnecessary stuff.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DawgFan79 said:


> I am tired of having to pull money from our savings account to cover our every day expenses until the next check comes in. We have $3,000 left over after all expenses are paid (each pay period) but going in the negative instead because of the constant spending.





gold5932 said:


> If she was main earner would you say same thing? The examples of spending is not extreme compared to available money.
> They have 72k a year after expenses. That’s quite a bit. I would never put up with my husband taking credit cards. That’s crazy. He needs to answer more questions. Just saying.


OP says he is withdrawing funds between pay checks to make ends meet. And pay period doesn't necessarily refer to weekly. I know more than one person who gets paid monthly, every 6 weeks, and one who does contract work and gets paid every 6 months. So, either she's spending more than 72k or they don't have 72k because his pay periods are far apart.

And, yeah, if the breadwinner sees their spouse spending more than they have available to spend it would be crazy NOT to take away access to funds and credit. If the SAH wants to spend they can, ya know, get a for pay job to cover it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

gold5932 said:


> As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


Omg
I’ll bet there are some things I could guess about you.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Omg
> I’ll bet there are some things I could guess about you.


Take your best guess. You’ll be wrong on all. I’ve been the major earner since I was 24. I own my own multi million dollar business. Divorced last couple of years and I am 62. I bet you thought I was a stay at home mom earning nothing but taking advantage of my king letting me go on a 300 trip. Typical.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

She didn't get this way over night. He probably fed this monster early on and now it's out of control. Regardless he needs some boundaries. Plus depending on the state he's in, he might be forced into the maintain her standard of living bs if they split.


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## Debsterism (Mar 31, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> I don't know what else to do now to try to get it through to my wife that she is spending beyond our means. She's trying to book a $5,000 vacation for us for July and then another girls trip in August that's going to cost at least $300. She's ordering crap she doesn't need almost every day on Amazon and it's been nearly impossible to set a budget. I tried to reason with her and suggest we set a limit for each of us to spend on whatever we wanted (no questions asked) to which she accused me of trying to give her an allowance like I was trying to control her. I don't have enough money saved for my kids' college because I don't have enough money leftover after everything is paid. I am tired of having to pull money from our savings account to cover our every day expenses until the next check comes in. We have $3,000 left over after all expenses are paid (each pay period) but going in the negative instead because of the constant spending. I am out of ideas. Any suggestions?


What jumps out at me is not that you are married, not that this is community income, not that her girl's night is $300+, what stands out is that in spite of a $3000 in the black every pay period, she spends so much money on b.s. that you have to go into the savings account to cover the regular living expenses!!! That says everything. 

I would remind her that the #1 reason that couples divorce is money, and that is where the two of you are headed if she doesn't get it together and work together as a partner to BUILD rather than to spend to fill the emptiness in her life. No amount of junk from Amazon is going to make her feel better about herself, that's work she needs to do under the care of amental health professional. Time for some real talk and some solid action dude. Close credit accounts, open different ones in your name only if you must have a bunch of different credit cards, put your salary into a separate account in a separate bank from the one you use with her. Remove your name from the other account and let her handle it. separate yourself until she gets treatment.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I don't go crazy all the time.. just here and there.. I got tired of getting the third degree... ha ha But with the kids older, I did get myself a job and my own CC that he doesn't see. And I do pay it off every month. She has got to understand that saving for college/retirement is very important. Not sure if she works but if she doesn't, she needs to get a job. If she refuses to work and cut her spending, then you may have to look into a divorce. Then when she's on her own, she can see for herself.

I have a friend who spouse passed away and there was so much $$$ there, college, life insurance, etc... But she blew thru all this. If she was good with money, then she would've had it better. Now she struggles paycheck to paycheck, bills are behind, etc....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

gold5932 said:


> Take your best guess. You’ll be wrong on all. I’ve been the major earner since I was 24. I own my own multi million dollar business. Divorced last couple of years and I am 62. I bet you thought I was a stay at home mom earning nothing but taking advantage of my king letting me go on a 300 trip. Typical.


Lol. I figured you were a female. Lighten up. I didn’t mean to offend you so terribly. But I see my comment was easily taken afoul. Sorry


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I can't live with someone who buys unnecessary things. 

My dad is an accountant so saving money and paying bills was important in my household. 

You can definitely have separate accounts, and you can deposit in her account whatever amount you think she can use per paycheck. 

What's her excuse for buying unnecessary things? Is it like an addiction? Did she grow up poor? 

I could have a heart attack if my husband spent thousands of dollars a month on junk! 

He would be my ex husband for sure.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

gold5932 said:


> As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


But money is pulled out of savings regularly to cover the bills. At the end of the day, they are spending more than they make. She has a responsibility to be a good steward of their funds.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does she work full time? How much does she earn?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

gold5932 said:


> Take your best guess. You’ll be wrong on all. I’ve been the major earner since I was 24. I own my own multi million dollar business. Divorced last couple of years and I am 62. I bet you thought I was a stay at home mom earning nothing but taking advantage of my king letting me go on a 300 trip. Typical.


I would have guessed quite accurately, as far as I can tell. Feminist with chip on shoulder who is very proud of being the successful earner and wants to be dominant in the relationship because she’s not going to be controlled by no man.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> I would have guessed quite accurately, as far as I can tell. Feminist with chip on shoulder who is very proud of being the successful earner and wants to be dominant in the relationship because she’s not going to be controlled by no man.


Wow Dude, you'd be guessing wrong. I'm far from a feminist and I have no chip on my shoulder. Don't you have anything better to do than attack people on a marriage website? It appears thru a lot of your posts, that is exactly what you do.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

The first thing I would do is freeze my credit so she cannot open any new credit cards or accounts in your name.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

gold5932 said:


> Wow Dude, you'd be guessing wrong. I'm far from a feminist and I have no chip on my shoulder. Don't you have anything better to do than attack people on a marriage website? It appears thru a lot of your posts, that is exactly what you do.


Ok, not a feminist, no chip whatsoever.

I’m pretty sure most of my time here is actually spent offering constructive guidance (which isn’t always gentle). I could be wrong though, so a forensic examination to establish ratios, etc. may be in order. I’ll look into it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He hasn't been back so he can't be that worried about it.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Debsterism said:


> What jumps out at me is not that you are married, not that this is community income, not that her girl's night is $300+, what stands out is that in spite of a $3000 in the black every pay period, she spends so much money on b.s. that you have to go into the savings account to cover the regular living expenses!!! That says everything.
> 
> I would remind her that the #1 reason that couples divorce is money, and that is where the two of you are headed if she doesn't get it together and work together as a partner to BUILD rather than to spend to fill the emptiness in her life. No amount of junk from Amazon is going to make her feel better about herself, that's work she needs to do under the care of amental health professional. Time for some real talk and some solid action dude. Close credit accounts, open different ones in your name only if you must have a bunch of different credit cards, put your salary into a separate account in a separate bank from the one you use with her. Remove your name from the other account and let her handle it. separate yourself until she gets treatment.


Thanks for the advice. I've been thinking about doing this for a while now. It might be time to take action.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

bobert said:


> You could start by getting separate bank accounts and not giving her access to yours. You also need to put your foot down and say enough is enough. Either the spending stops and she gets a hobby or therapy instead, or she gets a divorce. It may be cheaper to get rid of her, in the long run.
> 
> Does she work?


Yes, she is employed full time as a teacher.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Just curious, why did you say they were "my" kids instead of "our" kids? Are there fiefdoms in your household? Control issues?


I didn't mean it that way. They are both of ours.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

DawgFan79 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I've been thinking about doing this for a while now. It might be time to take action.


It MIGHT be time to take action?

If not now, when? Why later? This is causing resentment in the marriage. It won’t improve until YOU change things.


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## Simple Rishta (Mar 9, 2021)

The most important thing in a husband and wife relationship is understanding. As you said, “your child goes to college” means you guys aren't newly married. So what is the understanding level between you people during this period? Is your wife unaware of your monthly income? She is spending unnecessarily as she doesn't know if you can afford it or not. Since when she had this attitude? If this has been the case since day one, then why wasn't it stopped first?What is her attitude towards other household expenses?
One more thing, You wrote “my child” , Doesn't that child belong to her, doesn't she care about them?
Doesn't she know that you have to pay their college fee and there are other expenditures to bear? If she knows all this then why is she doing it? There must be a reason behind this.

Is your relationship strained? It's not like there are emotional and physical distances between the two of you and she fills that gap in this way. Perhaps you don't give her time or pay attention to her.

First of all, try to find out the reason for her behavior. Be as gentle and loving but assertive in your mission. Changing your spouse’s spending habits can be a difficult task so better to take the process in small steps.
Do not accuse your spouse of her unnecessary expenses or by pointing out her faults. She deserves it or not, accusing will only drive a wedge between you and make it harder to solve the problem.

Have a productive conversation with her about your total income, what all of your expenses are and where the money is being spent. Once you have discussed, set up a budget, and decided on a method for controlling spending.

Make short term plans or goals with her and try to achieve them together. Spend a certain amount of money for each goal.

Handle the situation in a loving manner. Discuss the ways to save up for something for the future like retirement or kids wedding etc.

Closely watch her company. A person is known by the company he keeps. Maybe she's surrounded by people who don't pay attention to such things and for them, it's all trivial.

Try to figure out about their habits and characteristics as much as possible to match the right pair. So that in the future, there will be no such problem that you are facing now. It is very important to consider these things before marriage. But now that much time has passed. So try to maintain your relationship. Don't think about divorce or separation. That is not the solution to the problem and there is no guarantee that the next one will not do so.

If the problem is not solved in any other way, seek Counseling for her. It may be helpful to get help from any outside sources. You may consider joint sessions.


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## AmberP (Apr 21, 2021)

We discuss it, especially big purchases. You need to do the same. You always have to have a conversation. Budget planning is important, make it elementary in a spreadsheet, spread it out for each day. That will help you control everything.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> My buddy tried all that BS. Separate accounts... spending limits...etc..etc...etc. After the third time bailing themselves out of her hidden credit cards I thought he would finally divorce her.... but he didn’t. Finally she cheated on him and they divorced.
> Look man... you can let her run all over you and prevent your children from going to college without massive debt.... or you can take the bull by the horns and dump her. *Drop divorce papers on her so she gets the point*... you can retract later but the truth is that the dynamic isn’t going to change because she already knows she can take advantage of you.


From all I hear, divorce is a very expensive and time consuming option, especially for a husband who is the main source of income. $3000 /month "excess" might easily change to negative after a divorce? Maybe buddy decided was "cheaper to keep her".

Could the OP "pretend" that their income was less than it actually is? Maybe have every other check deposited in an account the wife doesn't know about? Put bonuses or windfalls somewhere she can't find them. I realize that being devious is ultimately harmful to a marriage, but sounds like his wife has an addiction to spending.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> From all I hear, divorce is a very expensive and time consuming option, especially for a husband who is the main source of income. $3000 /month "excess" might easily change to negative after a divorce? Maybe buddy decided was "cheaper to keep her".
> 
> Could the OP "pretend" that their income was less than it actually is? Maybe have every other check deposited in an account the wife doesn't know about? Put bonuses or windfalls somewhere she can't find them. I realize that being devious is ultimately harmful to a marriage, but sounds like his wife has an addiction to spending.


Agreed. Especially now since there are ways to make money disappear off the grid so to speak. Sure a family court could tell him to pay her, but if he has transferable skills there are plenty of beautiful places around the world who don't give a crap about some order from a family judge in another country.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She does it because she doesn’t respect you. 

She can walk all over you yet you don’t take any action that makes it stop!

Tell her NO! What are you SO afraid of? She uses you and disrespects you - you don’t have a healthy marriage.

And when she crosses that boundary next time (which she will right away) - YOU file for divorce!

There’s no foundation in your marriage - and it’s crumbling from disrespect. Be done with her - she acts like she’s single and spoiled.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

gold5932 said:


> As I said she’s his wife. She has as much right to the money as he does. And there is a lot of I’s going on.


yes, but they now make up a household together. they need to be on the same page spendingwise and for other financial goals. It would be interesting to know how much she assumed that she not work but still spend as much as she wants. We are not empowered to spend what we don't have.


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## Juliasvrm (May 15, 2021)

It's horrible that you're facing such a situation. I'm not sure of what expectations your wife had, but even if she thought you were the wealthiest guy in the world when she met you, getting married to you should enable her emotional support and understanding. I always supported my husband, and even when we had to move to Norway and start a new life, I agreed to cut on needless expenses and get a loan from Låna pengar - Samlingslån med låg ränta - Långuide.se with a meager monthly fee in order to support our dreams and our future.


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## alt37ever (7 mo ago)

Just until you get back to where your comfortable with your finances. I think a separate account is a good idea!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat says "I'm busy, busy, busy. All I do is hunt them down and have zombie threads shut down. But it's good fun, really, with my trusty team!"


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