# I cheated, now what?



## Navywife19 (Mar 11, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 2 years now. Married for 1 1/2 years. He's my first and only love, first long term relationship, first guy I had sex with, and only the 2nd guy I've ever kissed. I went down to Orlando with my friends for a couple of days. We got completely trashed. My best guy friend (other then my husband) who I've been friends with for 8 years started hitting on me, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. To make matters worse, my husband is deployed. Complete and total mistake. Not in my nature whatsoever. I know if I tell my husband it's game over, end of our marriage. I do not want that. I love him, there's no one else I want for the rest of my life. He is my one. I know it might not be the wisest decision, but I can't tell him. Please don't judge. I need advice guys, plain and simple.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

*Poor choice in Orlando*

Navywife19

No judgement, however you are a cheat and betrayer of the inocence of you marriage, you have forever altered the landscape of you marriage. 

I find it very intresting and indeed I belive it to be very telling that in your post, even after the "mistake" you still labeled the OM as your best friend. 

REALLY! 

Your best friend is the OM in the affiar, if you truly care for your husband and want your marriage to work your choice is very simple. You must forever sever all contact with the OM. 

Clearly he is not your best friend, yes it takes two. A true friend would not have crossed the line.

About telling your husband, can you truly trust the OM and your "friends" not to talk about your adultry. 

Think about it, wouldn't it be worse if your husband learned of your adultry from someone else - especially if you haven't cut your affair partner from your life.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm going to take a wild guess. You met this guy when you were 17, got married at 18, real quick to be claimed as his military dependant (cuz who can't pass up free housing, medical care, commisary benefits etc) and when the cat's away on a 6 month deployment, the little mouse goes out and plays. 
Seriously, your BFF is a guy and you thought it would stay strictly platonic? You are falling into the stereotype of all young military wives. If you REALLY love him, you wouldn't have cheated on him.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

How about stop drinking until you get trashed without your husband around?? That usually works best. I know, I know, it was the alcohol that made you do it, you would have never ever done it if it wasn't for being drunk.

And please stop with the I love my husband so much I don't know how it happened. You know but refuse to accept responsibility for it happening, unless an alien came down from planet wemakeyoucheatonyourspouse and mind controlled you into doing it, you know why it happened. I know exactly why I cheated on my wife, I wanted to get into that OW pants more than anything at the time and be damned with my wife.

Are you on birth control, was a condom used, if no to both questions, get tested and pray to God that you don't get pregnant. Remember, condoms only help prevent STDs, they are not 100% effective. Giving your husband the gift that keeps on giving because you don't want to lose him is not fair to him, I don't really care if you got something because us cheaters reap what we sew.

Sorry to be harsh but I was in your shoes and all those weak, dumb and stupid excuses just don't fly IMO, we're all old enough to know right from wrong. Take responsibility and hope your husband has a big enough heart to forgive and give you another chance. And if you do get that chance, PLEASE do not screw it up again and then blame outside factors on why you cheated.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Ok.. navy wife 19... is the 19 your age?

If you are 19, that really makes a world of difference on the advice.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Must have seen this a million times while I was in the Navy. Happens way too much. Would feel bad for the sailor but odds are he's doing dirt too.


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## Andrew2011 (Feb 17, 2011)

RWB said:


> Your married, you can't have "best" guy friends. You know that. You know the truth that this guy has been after you for a while. I am not judging you, that will be for you to decide in the long run.
> 
> If you love your husband then give him the right to know who and what you are.


I am not in the best head-space to give anyone advice this month (see my own thread from the sharper side of this issue), but I would tend to agree broadly with RWB's comments.

My own reaction to your situation is:

1. People do occasionally do dumb things for a moment that they greatly regret later. Foolish, drunken one-night flings are sadly all too common. You are hardly alone in this state.

2. You do need to consider exactly why you did this. Things don't happen completely "by accident". Although you say you love your husband like no other, was it loneliness, horniness, some latent attraction for your "best guy friend" that triggered it? The underlying susceptibility you had will give you some clues as how best to respond.

3. Putting myself in your husband's shoes, if I returned from deployment, I would want to see my wonderful wife and feel like she is completely devoted to me (and me to her). There can't be any lingering doubts in your mind as to whether you are 100% or not.

4. You do need to tell him at some point. I don't know when it is better, right away, soon, or well after he returns. If it were me, I would probably want first to feel comfort with you, that everything is ok, and that there are no "triggers" or "problems" that I need to worry about. I can find out sometime at the right moment, by you telling the story -- not by me finding out on my own. Be prepared for some turbulence.

5. You need to cut the cord with the "best guy friend". Now. He's out completely.

Good luck with it. The fact that you checked in here says something good about your character.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Andrew2011 said:


> I am not in the best head-space to give anyone advice this month (see my own thread from the sharper side of this issue), but I would tend to agree broadly with RWB's comments.
> 
> My own reaction to your situation is:
> 
> ...


I agree with that as well,however, as stated before: your age is relevant in the course you take. If you are 19ish, you may want to look into emotionally maturing before doing diving into these solutions. In no way is that an insult.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My wife screwed up are marriage with her affairs. After weeks of arguing about why, us, who, whatever, it all came down to...

The past has happened, can't change it, it is history.

Now, just do the next right thing, Navy19 that is now your decision.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

NW19,

IMHO, the first step is to cut all ties with the OM. This is vital and absolutely no exceptions. I get that this can be hard. Trust me. My significant other worked with the OM. You cutting all contacts is vital if nothing else to prove to your husband that you are serious. That being said, don't expect him to believe you. You have to PROVE to him that you are all in. If you are serious, do anything it takes..... I can tell you that it would mean the world to me right now...

Don't forget, you need to stick to PROVING to him that you are all in. It isn't something that happens over night, or even over a month....

Next step: YOU MUST TELL HIM!!!!!! I swore up and down that I would NEVER take my SO back if she ever cheated on me. That being said, I am still here.... Also that being said, I wouldn't tell him ASAP. Give him a week or two to reconnect with you when he comes back. Remind him of why he loves you so much and pamper him in any way possible. DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX WITH HIM!!!!! This is one of the places that my SO slipped up. (She waited to tell me until we were feeling very connected again.) I am still terrified that we are both going to end up with HIV or any number of other STD's.... 

I assure you, you CAN make it through this. But you have to PROVE that you are now 100% in on the marriage. No wavering, no going, "Why doesn't he trust me?" You BOTH need to be willing to work it out, but YOU are the one that has something to prove.

Gfx


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think people are being overly harsh on you. The reason is that this really is every guy's nightmare. For most young guys on their first marriage before they become jaded and cynical, they are terrorized by the thought of their pretty little wives getting done by guys when they are away. It really is very hurtful and sad.

However, for better or worse this is life. You are very young. You want to drink and have fun. Most people do this at your age (again...for better or worse). You really haven't experimented with guys like most girls have. Did you have fun having sex with that guy? I'll bet you did and there is nothing wrong with that. It's perfectly normal no matter what anyone says. Yes, what you did was wrong but we all make mistakes and there is no need ruining your life over it. Just make sure you are safe if you didn't use protection, keep it quiet (what he doesn't know won't hurt him) and quietly cherish the memories of a wild night! Make sure you cut contact with this guy and don't ever let it happen again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think that you really need to ask yourself if you REALLY love your H?
In my book, if you really loved him, you would have never let yourself get into this situation.
Now, if you really want to stay with your H, and there is no way he will find out (just piss off the OM or one of those friends, and he'll find out), then I would seriously consider not telling him, but with that, you have to make up your mind that you will truly commit to him and ONLY him, and face it, this is a young military marriage, the odds are never in favor of it.
But, that said, I've got a sinking feeling that soon, we will be reading from you about how you are "SO DEEPLY ashamed to say that it happened with the OM again", and in a few weeks to months, we'll be reading about how your H is the biggest a**hole on the planet, that you never really loved him, that you and the OM are really soulmates and were the ones truly meant to be together, that when his ship docked, he saw all his buddies hugging and kissing the women that waited for them, but you weren't there, and he'll go home to find it empty and divorce papers waiting for him on the table...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm from another generation or maybe another planet. I see these stories and I think "Starter Marriage".


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm from another generation or maybe another planet. I see these stories and I think "Starter Marriage".


Thats ok, I saw the headline and a thousand jokes flew through my mind. But somehow, I resisted putting just "Shower?" lol.

In all seriousness though... THis story is common for the " I got married at 18" club. The question isnt how to save the marriage, its how to not let this moment define you.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I would say tell him, but perhaps first go to personal counseling first with a GOOD counseler. We have not idea if the husband has been messing around on the side, he may have or have not. I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason, (even with my messed up story.) You are young, we got married young, had babies young, had to grow up very quickly, take your time and find guidance first. I believe coming clean is one of the first steps.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Dont have kids with him, divorce him and TELL HIM you are doing because you lacked self control since you cant keep your legs closed. You are doing him a favor since he can now find a loving, loyal non-**** that won't give him doubts whe he's serving our country.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Posted 2 days ago, no replies and no further activity with this being the only post. I dont think she is coming back.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Yep, gone.

But I am telling the truth, "It only happened One Time.".


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When they realize nobody is going to tell them what they want to hear, you don't see them again.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

F-102 said:


> When they realize nobody is going to tell them what they want to hear, you don't see them again.


Yup. I think what she wanted to hear was "Don't ever tell him"


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Very well...when I came on, I was kind of looking for that too, but I did more reading of other peoples stories, and it hit me like a mack truck. I was like WTF was I thinking???? It had all made so much sense, as I had not been thinking clearly for so long. Some people can't take the heat/consequences of their actions. Perhaps she will come back after some stuff sinks in.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Paramore,

What you say is so much "truer" than most people can or want to believe. 

About a month after D-Day my wife had her WTF was I thinking epiphany. She had been lying for years about previous affairs and got sucked into another with her long lost college boyfriend. She stated that confusion and fantasy had replaced reality at some point in her mind. If I had not seen it for myself, there is no way you could convince me that someone you knew for 30 years could bend their reality so far and except a re-write of history that made no sense at all. For example, she really thought our grown children would except her "new" husband and be happy for her that she had finally found true happiness and love. Say What!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh I know right??? lol


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