# How do you handle WS praise from others?



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Hey all,

My husband was recently given praise for being a great husband and father and everyone gushed over it at an event in my husband's honor. It was from his parents who know all of our infidelity history. They said he was a devoted husband who always puts his family first.

I just smiled and went along with it but inside I was like "how do you lie so easily about your son"? 

Does anyone ever have to deal with that and how do you handle it? Granted, it has been two years since our last D-Day. Would his family be considered in denial too?


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

You gotta love parents who will love their kids no matter how horrible they are you deserve credit OP I would have laughed my ass off in his face.


PS: your WH doesn't actually believe any of this right he knows he is a work in progress right


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

maybe they were trying to convince themselves...yes, it's denial. Or is infidelity a common issue in his family, so they rugsweep as a team?


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

ReidWright said:


> maybe they were trying to convince themselves...yes, it's denial. Or is infidelity a common issue in his family, so they rugsweep as a team?


His parents have always been faithful to each other, to our knowledge. It's almost like they are trying to will him to be what they want him to be and there is nothing wrong with that. But this always putting his family first thing really upset me. I don't want him to be crucified but they didn't have to say any of that. Some other nice general things would have been just as appropriate. My parents who were there and only know of the last OW (but they have never liked my husband and thought I was making a mistake) was there and they know full well what he has done to me and my daughter. It makes me think that everyone who really does know about him looked at me like a fool. :-(


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This is something I really struggle with, with my MIL. 

She is one of those people that feels she needs to pretend things are perfect - even would shout from the rooftops that she's perfect, her kids are all perfect and her marriage (miserable one) is perfect too. Everyone can see that it's not. It's like, "it's okay if you all notice the sh!t but don't you dare comment on the smell."

This is something I'm really trying to work on letting go. Even worse than her doing this, it bugs me that it bugs me. I know that I can't change her so I need to change - not see it her way but make peace with it. That's what I'm working towards.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Best thing to do - say nothing. If asked about it - change the subject.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Miss Taken said:


> This is something I really struggle with, with my MIL.
> 
> She is one of those people that feels she needs to pretend things are perfect - even would shout from the rooftops that she's perfect, her kids are all perfect and her marriage (miserable one) is perfect too. Everyone can see that it's not. It's like, "it's okay if you all notice the sh!t but don't you dare comment on the smell."
> 
> This is something I'm really trying to work on letting go. Even worse than her doing this, it bugs me that it bugs me. I know that I can't change her so I need to change - not see it her way but make peace with it. That's what I'm working towards.


His parents are the exact same way. They are very very good at putting on airs as if all is well but constantly discuss divorce. To read their messages of love on FB, you would think they were the perfect family.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

asia said:


> Hey all,
> 
> My husband was recently given praise for being a great husband and father and everyone gushed over it at an event in my husband's honor. It was from his parents who know all of our infidelity history. They said he was a devoted husband who always puts his family first.



Did any of them look at you when those ridiculous words were being uttered?

I would have had a flat affect if that was being said about my wife by her family in public.




> I just smiled and went along with it but inside I was like "how do you lie so easily about your son"?


Actually, it seems like an intentional slap in your face. Do you have a good relationship with them? Do you have any reason to suspect they did this to humiliate you, even if others don't know your infidelity history?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Best thing to do - say nothing. If asked about it - change the subject.


Agree to the first part, not so much the second.

If it had have been me, I'd say nothing. But if asked, I'd unload. Because why would they ask? To see if she feels that's accurate? If they were to ask, that pretty much says they know it was out of line or that they knew it was inaccurate.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Actually, it seems like an intentional slap in your face. Do you have a good relationship with them? Do you have any reason to suspect they did this to humiliate you, even if others don't know your infidelity history?



I have a very good relationship with them actually. They support me 100% in the marriage and hold their son accountable privately. They really want my WS to be a faithful husband and think I am the best woman he would ever have. They know I am a good for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes, I got something from a work colleague. She marvelled at how she knew we'd never cheat on each other.

I accepted what she said with grace, and smiled. Whilst thinking: "If only you knew!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

asia said:


> I have a very good relationship with them actually. They support me 100% in the marriage and hold their son accountable privately. They really want my WS to be a faithful husband and think I am the best woman he would ever have. They know I am a good for him.


If they really are supportive of you and crap on him in private, then try and let it go.

I am like you I do not like the BS but my mother is the same way. She knows all about my Sisters PA and my brother likes to wear dresses but my Mom works very hard for people not to know these things. 

It is about her image on what she thinks the family should look like to others.

I have stopped buying cards for Christmas, Valentines Day and Anniversaries since they all talk about the greatest wife or mother


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I don't have to. I'm surrounded by people who think very lowly of my stbxw - save for my kids, but they really don't talk about her at all, actually. I'm lucky that way. Honestly I don't think they think all that highly of her either, but she is their mom. I think it's a difficult struggle for them. It's sad.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

asia said:


> My husband was recently given praise for being a great husband and father and everyone gushed over it at an event in my husband's honor. It was from his parents who know all of our infidelity history. They said he was a devoted husband who always puts his family first.
> 
> I just smiled and went along with it but inside I was like "how do you lie so easily about your son"?


 By making being a "great husband" a part of his identity, and by making this a good thing worthy of praise, they were in effect reenforcing his marriage to you since Dday. A carrot and a stick works better then all stick.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

TRy said:


> By making being a "great husband" a part of his identity, and by making this a good thing worthy of praise, they were in effect reenforcing his marriage to you since Dday. A carrot and a stick works better then all stick.


Yeah I can see that. He lives for the approval of his parents and I know if they were not so supportive of our marriage, he may have left permanently a long time ago. They really have been helpful.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Asia, hopefully their intentions were all in the best interests. Still, I hope your were able to send a few burning laser torpedos with your eyes toward your in-laws when no one else was looking.

Kinda hard on you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you have a good relationship with your inlaws, perhaps you could talk to them in private about how their comments made you feel. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

PBear said:


> If you have a good relationship with your inlaws, perhaps you could talk to them in private about how their comments made you feel.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

tell them you don't want them lying about him like that in front of you. and while you're at it make sure they know the full extent of his cheating. do they??


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

It can be awkward at times, you are talking to yourself or screaming all on the inside depending on how much praise is being shoveled on.
For me her mom and dad know but not too many others so when statements are made praising her I take it with a grain of salt, of course she is a good mother to the kids except for the fact she almost blew up the marriage and our home, LOL.

No thread jack and not to change the topic but the awkward conversations with your children when they are having relationship issues, how do you be supportive and helpful when the questions they ask involve your WS as an example.
Same awkwardness, same screaming inside.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

asia said:


> I have a very good relationship with them actually. They support me 100% in the marriage and hold their son accountable privately. They really want my WS to be a faithful husband and think I am the best woman he would ever have. They know I am a good for him.


Well if they ask you about what they said, you can tell the truth that they told things about him that are untrue. If they disagree, all you need to do is say that someone who cheats obviously is not a devoted husband and did NOT put his family first.

Maybe he is doing that now, but the words about him were not true.

And honestly, its not only a slap in the face to you, but a slap in the face of fathers and husbands who actually DO put their family first.

Now I realize they were probably trying to help hold the family together, but that wasn't the way to do it. So you can bite your tongue, but if they ask you what you thought of the words spoken about him, if it were me, I'd be honest and tell them. But that is up to you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

asia said:


> Hey all,
> It was from his parents who know all of our infidelity history. They said he was a devoted husband who always puts his family first.




What would I do? I would say "_oh, I must have gotten some bad food_" as I blew chunks all over the restaurant table.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I never "outed" my ex husband to his family. I told two of my sister-in-laws and they are super religious and told me we needed more God in our lives........

I don't care if people think my husband is great, they can marry him. 

One of the reasons I divorced. I had to live with them, no one else. 

My children adore their dad and they should. People need to make their own decisions about others. 

When I told one of my girlfriends my husband cheated on me, she said, "I knew there was something I didn't like about him. I'm not surprised ."

Not everyone thinks your spouse is great, don't worry. Outsiders have no love investment in YOUR spouse so can be more judgemental without repercussions. 

How many "great" husbands or wives have you heard were so wonderful only to think they were no so great in your opinion. 

The more we have to boast our wonderful characteristics or our spouses', usually the more insecure we are about ourselves/them.


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## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I never "outed" my ex husband to his family. I told two of my sister-in-laws and they are super religious and told me we needed more God in our lives........
> 
> I don't care if people think my husband is great, they can marry him.
> 
> ...


Rugs, I literally had to catch my breath when I read your response. That is so true in so many cases (just in general life) and infidelity.

I read online where a wife was pouring on all the accolades to her husband that I know for 100% screws everything walking. It was painful to read actually. She went on and on about his Christian values and him being of integrity and his dedication to his family. I saw him with a few of the women myself! Terrible!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

But women can handle their husbands cheating on them. They tend not to overreact and divorce the way men do. God bless them they don't need all that personal dignity.

So the above is high sarcasm of course. IMO women react to humiliation as normal human beings do, like men...with great difficulty, resentment, outrage.


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