# Wife asked for separation, feel friends are part of the issue



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

My wife of 9 years and I separated 10 days ago. Already I am finding some of the space theraputic even though she asked for it. We have a 4.5yr daughter.

Near the beginning of our relationship she had several friends, guys and girls. Most of whom I really liked and often joined in on the fun. However, work with people all day long and to boot am an only child so need some down time from 'people'. Initially our fights, which we don't handle well admittedly, were around the sheer amount of time she wanted to spend with friends, she always wanted me to go with her but it was just too much not to mention nothing at home would get done. Then after a few years we found a nice grove, have many mutual friends and we had a solid 5 years where if we fought I couldn't even tell you what it was about. Two years ago we were relocated and moved to a neighborhood where a ton of kids our daughters age happen to live - initially a great thing. However, while it has been great my wife has made friends with several of the parents, one in particular that is a drunk basically and the only advice she ever gives anyone is 'leave'...which she did in her first marriage. My wife wants to be up there all the time. As per usual I don't but where initially it worked that I would join 50% of the time, she seemingly started holding it against me. Plus some times I found it hard to control my temper with the neighbors especially when I felt they were being derelicts around my daughter.

To be fair, I can and have been extremely mean in arguments which she told me lead to the separation request, she loves me but doesn't like being around me. She also has had a tough few years - being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and basically losing her career but I have always stood by her even when the thought of sex to her was crazy given the pain she was in - I love my wife fully, I would not leave her for something like health issues.

I can't help but feel while we have some issues, like my anger etc, to fix - that I have been pushed aside for friends...I want to reconcile once we have had some time and space despite some of the issues.

Thoughts, suggestions, ideas - I'm an open book!?! Thank you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"Plus some times I found it hard to control my temper with the neighbors especially when I felt they were being derelicts around my daughter."

Can you explain how your neighbors are derelicts around your daughter?

How often do you have these angry outbursts?

Have you looked into getting counseling for your anger?

What you can do right now is yourself. 

To work on your marriage I suggest the books: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"

Your angry outbursts are "love busters" so read that book first.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Thank you so much for the feedback/questions, see below:

"Plus some times I found it hard to control my temper with the neighbors especially when I felt they were being derelicts around my daughter."

Can you explain how your neighbors are derelicts around your daughter? Two primary ways bugged me the most, my daughter is extremely sweet and nice, not perfect but a good kid, their kids would push, punch, bite whatever and instead of correcting them pass it off as 'he's only 3 or what did your daughter do to provoke him/her' the second way is they (not all but half of them) are always drinking and often get full on drunk. It sounds bad I know but they are good if/when not drinking except for teaching their kids behavior changes

How often do you have these angry outbursts? Not very, maybe 1/month if I averaged

Have you looked into getting counseling for your anger? Yes, I am reaching out to therapists now to find one that feels right

What you can do right now is yourself. Agree but scared to death because I don't want to lose her

To work on your marriage I suggest the books: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" - thank you for the suggestions!

Your angry outbursts are "love busters" so read that book first. - I so completely agree, its a side of me I really want to change because it hurts me just as much as her!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Dealing with anger control should be the top priority for you. Do that.

As you work on you....dont "report" back in on your activity or progress. Just work on you, stay motivated and she will notice. 

For clarity....your wife got sick, doesn't work, hangs out with the neighbors, gets wasted, and gets marriage advice from them as well.

You work and fund the party...did you move out? Did you consult a lawyer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

My wife actually doesn't get drunk too often because o how alcohol interacts with her meds. We are consulting an attorney around the separation agreement that needs to be drawn up. I moved out but in truth so will she because she asked for the separation after we had already put our current home under contract to sell.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, going off on your wife for letting your kids get bit while she sits getting wasted is not irrational.
And save the sugar coating, yep, she gets wasted more than you snap.


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## unwritten (Jun 17, 2015)

I'm in a similar situation, except he left with intent to reconcile then started hanging out with all these people and has since decided it was pointless. I think they get this sense of freedom and get escape it. Do I mind our current distance? I would say I don't miss him as much as I thought I would, but I defintely prefer him here. In my case, and I hope yours too, just keeping my fingers crossed he gets whatever this is out of his system so we can continue to work on us and our family.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I believe your right about the escape part, especially given how much of the last two years have stunk for her. Even though I was there for her the entire time, supportive etc, I don't think I am very good with relationships because I never thought to give her a break from all of it. I feel bad about not paying more attention sooner but I don't think that makes our relationship worth walking away from either. To me all of our issues are fixable if she will agree to work on them with me. My personal issues will be worked on regardless but I want us to stay together.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Whether you reconcile with your wife or not, you need to learn to manage your anger. And since it sounds like she is going full speed ahead with the divorce, there's not much you can do to stop that train. Agree that individual counseling could be helpful but if you contact your local YMCA/YWCA I bet they know of anger management groups you could join right now. You could do that in conjunction with your IC. Good Luck.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Was you snapping on your wife 3/4 times a week? Once a month?

Anyway, I see you guys have a lawyer involved already.

So my advice, just start the D instead. You can stop it down the road, but if SHE still don't like being around you, you will get it over with quicker.
Hopefully, you wanting to start a D instead of a separation, will make her take a look at how bad it really is for you also.


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