# Am I Paranoid?



## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

Hi. My husband and I have been together for overs 8 years (married 6). We have 4 kids (under 6) and he works on the road (gone 6-10 weeks at a time, home for a week or 2).

We recently had a fight the day after he came home & he slept on the couch for a week. We decided to work on things and I thought everything was fine. We had 2 really great days before he flew back to work.

While he was at the airport, he changed his facebook password. His FB still says we are separated, even though I sent him the marriage request thingy. Then, he added a new female friend whose profile pic is of her from the neck down in a bikini. The last 2 nights, he has told me he was going to bed & I would see him on FB an hour or so later.

We have always shared login info, so it was very suspicious to me that he would change it & not tell me what it is. I only knew he changed it because it sent him an email & he had me pull up some stuff in his email for him. I don't mess around in his facebook or email (although I did delete an angry message from myself as soon as I sent it one night) and it hasn't been an issue for over 2 years. He has all my login info (in an email) and when I change passwords every so often, I send him a new email.

A few years ago, we had separated & he was with someone else. While we were still together, he had an "emotional" affair - talking to her after I thought he went to bed (worked on the road during the week only during this time) for an hour or so every night.

I'm not sure if what is happening now is a warning sign or if I'm just being paranoid. Any advice?


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Follow your gut feelings! When there are changes and little white lies.... something may be cooking.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Doesn't sound paranoid to me.
Sounds like you are rightly looking out for your best interests and your mental health by being aware and being curious about the situation. I would question the intentions of someone who added a bikini-clad friend right after a fight with his wife, changes his password and doesn't disclose it after agreeing to transparency, and puts his status as separated. I've had clinical rule-out of paranoia so I trust my judgement on this one


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## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

Any advice on how to approach the situation with him? If anything is going on, I want to put a stop to it & really work on things. If he isn't doing anything, I don't want to cause a big fight over nothing.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

First take charge of the finances.
Then start writing down what you find or making copies.
Let it go for a while, see if there's a pattern.
Get yourself checked for STD's now but say nothing to him.
If you turn up positive later on, you'll have more info.
No pregnancies.
Get a part-time job if you can and start looking into budget, etc.
You sound capable, 4 kids pretty much on your own, and the household dynamics change every time he comes home and then leaves. Maybe give him space when he gets back from trips, for a day or two, if that's what he needs. Probably not a good timeframe to start a discussion that might end in an argument.
When you approach him about anything, be sure to use the "I feel" statements.


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## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

I'm already in charge of finances. His check is deposited straight into my account and I transfer over his "allowance" into his account. Technically, they are both joint accounts.

Part-time job won't work. I looked into it before as an escape & with daycare and work expenses, I would actually go into the hole. If we do split, I won't have to worry about money. We had an agreement that I know he will honor.

I'm really tempted to reset his FB password & see what has been going on, but know that would start more problems. I am trying to come up with a way to bring it up to him that won't cause a huge fight & send him running.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...I would be suspicious on that one.

Thankfully, my husband is NOT an internet guy. He uses it for email and that's it. Not that it matter, because he still moved out lol.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

He's up to something. I would reset his password and see what is going on via emai and chats. That will tell you what you need to know.

I'm suprised after an EA you would feel okay with him having a FB account and adding bikini-clad women as his friends. Most women would not be comfortable with that after an infidelity. The fact that he's acting angry and then changed his password is a big red flag.


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## coffee shop (Jun 6, 2011)

If we do split, I won't have to worry about money. We had an agreement that I know he will honor.

He made an agreement with you in marriage too, doesn't sound like he is honoring that one, are you sure he will honor the agreement about money? 

Be careful, he is not being honest or honorable right now.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I agree with coffee. Unless you have a legal agreement, it's not with a hill of beans. People who are unfaithful do all kids of things including not honor their agreements. Hopefully this is not the case, but when it comes to money, get it in writing!


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## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

He FINALLY switched his FB status back to married & linked it to me. I still don't know his login info now & he got very defensive when I tried to talk to him last night (I worked hard to stay calm & just explain how I was feeling and why). Told him that if I am going to work on my, I can't just try to ignore all these concerns or I'll explode. He told me to talk to my therapist - so I did. My therapist agreed that if we have always shared that information, it needs to stay that way.

Umm, I don't know what EA stands for.

I actually encouraged him to set up facebook so he could stay better connected to friends and family. Instead of emailing him hundreds of pics & videos of the kids, I just set them to private so only we can see the majority of them & tag him. I was completely fine with him having an account. Just knowing that I had the login information made me feel secure. I want to reset it, but then he will know I did it. Once I take that step, things will just go downhill.

I do trust that he will honor the money end of things. Even if he decides not to - when we split before, my attorney told me that I would be entitled to child support & alimony. Granted, I wouldn't have the money I do now, but I wouldn't need to work either. We live in a community property state, so he'll have to give me at least 1 of the properties & 1 of the houses (we own 3 properties).

I did grab a copy of our unbilled minutes from the cell company today & will go through it while the kids do naps & school. Bad news - incoming doesn't show numbers & I have no idea how to look up Canadian numbers to see which ones are delivery joints & work-related.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

An EA is an emotional affair. They are as harmful as a physical affair, most often.


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## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

Ah, his started as an EA. Before we split, they had kissed & it became a full blow relationship as soon as he moved out.

I do agree that an EA extremely hurtful. Right now, I'm thinking he could be doing it again - but not knowing is driving me nuts. If I'm right, it would be devastating. If I'm wrong, he'll be upset that I don't trust him. When I'm tried to explain how I feel, he points out that was almost 3 years ago and he would never do it again.

Not sure how to make him understand that I did trust him 100% before that happened and have been slowly trusting him more & more, but I need to have verification that I'm not blindly trusting & ignoring potential warning signs. When he gets all defensive (this is our first incident of me being worried about his faithful/less status), it makes me feel like he is hiding something & next thing I know, I'm in full-blown panic mode.


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## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

Oh, I apparently forgot the mention that the bikini-clad friend is someone he actually knows - she was a local at the job he was working at in Canada. He won't be returning to that particular job, which made me wonder why he added her as a friend (no idea who requested whom).


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## ecomommaof4 (Jul 10, 2011)

I talked to my husband again today and still no resolution on the FB thing. Everything seems to be going great between us, but he refuses to let me have that password again. He says there is not reason for me to have it; he's not hiding anything; and he doesn't trust that if he gives it to me and things go south, I'm not going to mess with it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Since he wont give you the password to his Facebook account and it has never been secret, i would really think something funny is going on... 

I dont think you are Paranoid.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

get a key logger program and install in his pc to check what he has typed


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Your H is gone 6-10 weeks at a time?!? I'm so sorry. You must be incredibly strong, I don't think I could survive in a marriage under those conditions for very long.

Your paranoia is valid, especially with the prior EA, and he should understand this no matter how long ago it occurred. Whether he's up to something or not, if he's drawing a line in the sand with providing a Facebook password tell him how you feel. Force him (as best you can) to explain his reasoning for doing so (which hopefully will make him confront himself about his decision), but let it go. Unless he's specifically 'blocking' you, you still have access to everything he's posting and who his 'friends' are.

Since you are paying the bills, you have access to pretty much his entire life. It's pretty much impossible for one to carry out an EA/PA without leaving a trail. Debit/credit purchase history, mobile records, etc. As much as I hate the thought of snooping on one's spouse, if you have reasonable doubts, it's justified in my book.


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## KKM017 (Jul 23, 2011)

Long time ago, I had a same experience. I confronted and argued, and he called me crazy,paranoid,control freak,and others. He even said he wanted to divorce with me because he felt being watched out all the time and felt choked around me. I suggested going to counselor for our daughter. He agreed. Our counselor told us exactly what I needed to know. If I feel insecure, and if he is innocent, we can share password. There is no reason to hide anything if he is innocent. Actually I went to see counselor by myself first telling him that I might be going crazy, so I needed to go. Then I told what was going on to the counselor, and she wanted him to come by himself too. I told him that. He was upset first yelling,"I don't know what you told that useless counselor, but it sounds like I am an ass-hole,ha?" But anyway, he went to see the counselor, and he started to fix every little issues that I reported to the counselor. I think men are more social than women, so they do not listen to wives, but they listen to 3rd party. They more care about their reputation and social status. So, it's a fast way to reveal his problems in public before he made up stories of your craziness.


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## mkl (Jul 9, 2011)

Once a spouse has been dishonest in a marriage whether it’s an EA or any other hurtful lies and deception, there has to be transparency in the marriage, plain and simple. It has to be this way!

How else with the hurt spouse ever feel comfort. He has to understand this and agree to it. If he is not doing anything wrong then he shouldn’t mind you having his password. If he is not being forthcoming then it sounds like he is hiding something. Everyone wants to have their privacy and not feel snooped all the time. But, at the same time he did this to himself.

So, If he wants to remain in the marriage he has to give up some of his privacy and “get caught being good.”


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

mkl said:


> Once a spouse has been dishonest in a marriage whether it’s an EA or any other hurtful lies and deception, there has to be transparency in the marriage, plain and simple. It has to be this way!
> 
> So, If he wants to remain in the marriage he has to give up some of his privacy and “get caught being good.”


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
BRAVO!!!! OHHH sooo true!


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Is there a reason you need your own FB accounts? Why not combine it as LarryandSusie...many of my friends have done that and then there is no way of hiding anything...just a thought..

My spouse was chatting on FB with a "friend"...not so innocent...


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