# Friends after divorce?



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I’m not getting a divorce.
A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For some it is. I definitely didn’t go that far but my exH and I were always friendly at family functions we both needed to attend. I’ve known people who were very close friends with their ex but just couldn’t be married to them for lots of reasons.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


There are definitely people you can love or like but not live with, so it's possible if you had enough you liked about each other, things in common.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are definitely people you can love or like but not live with, so it's possible if you had enough you liked about each other, things in common.


Absolutely. And that’s why I didn’t remarry when I had the opportunity after my divorce. No way I could have lived with him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yeah, with me it has gone both ways. Friends with ex-bf because us living together, the roles, we weren't on the same page. And then friends with an ex-bf because he was lovable and charming, but not responsible and dependable. People aren't perfect. No point marrying them hoping that changes anything.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

When you say friendly do you mean mid and smile or talk for extended time? There’s a difference between polite and friendly,


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have seen it go both ways. For me, no. Our children were grown and for me once things are done they are done.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

snowbum said:


> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


I believe it can be. Of course, new partners on either side may raise objections...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

snowbum said:


> When you say friendly do you mean mid and smile or talk for extended time? There’s a difference between polite and friendly,


In my case, I would talk to my exH for awhile when we met at family gatherings so I would say friendly. He would also text me to catch up with what was going on if we hadn’t seen each other recently. We shared a child and grandchildren and I was more involved in their lives than he was so I would update him when he texted. But I had zero interest in socializing with him as in dinner, etc., without our family although I know people who do that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

snowbum said:


> When you say friendly do you mean mid and smile or talk for extended time? There’s a difference between polite and friendly,


With me, one of them, we stay in touch email and once in a blue moon (every 2-3 years) see each other, including at times his wife. We keep up with each others well-being. 

One I don't talk to anymore but stayed in touch before his alcoholism caught up with him. He was out of state, so only saw every few years. He has severely degenerated. I'm talking decades staying in touch to some extent, some times more than others, of course. I keep up with his friend so I know how he is doing, but feel since he had a long-ago history of leaning on me, I'm not the right person to insert myself into his current situation, which isn't good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The ability to be friendly with my exH was in part knowing that at the end of the family function we were attending I could go one way and he would be going the other. I know people who vacation together (separate rooms) and I can’t imagine that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Neither if us have had the need to have any contact with our exes for a very long time. Probably about 17 years. Once the kids are mid to late teens they can make all their own arrangements for seeing each parent anyway. 
Neither of us lives near them either so no chance of bumping into them.

I think it's a good idea to go your own ways and make completely separate lives.

Yes there may be very rare occasions such as when the children get married when you have to meet and you can be polite and say hello etc.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Please note, mine are ex-bf's not ex-husbands. That might be far more challenging! More water under the bridge.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> I believe it can be. Of course, new partners on either side may raise objections...


Yes. And can't blame them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's different when you go through family stuff and the trauma of divorce, no doubt. Lots of resentment by that time. I say nice if you can salvage a little something since it was someone you used to like enough to want to marry. But bitterness creeps in. 

Even with the one bf I still keep up with, there were 10 years I was too mad at him to want to do it, over work stuff. We are not without resentments. But we have some laughs. We had to get used to working with one another, so that was hard, but it left something at least.

As far as more casual bfs from many years ago, not much anymore, but used to see a handful of them at gigs about once a year, and always cordial and usually huggy.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> used to see a handful of them ... about once a year, and always cordial and usually huggy.


That about sums it up!


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

My (first) ex-husband and I remained friendly after our divorce. He cheated on me and I divorced him. We barely spoke for at least a year. He tried to talk to me but I refused. We had a very young little boy at the time, so we only really communicated about him and only via email and occasion information-only text. We both remarried, him to the woman he cheated on me with. Eventually, after maybe 2 years, I was in a place where I could look at him and talk to him without wanting to rip his head off or cry my eyes out. We got to the point where we’d sit together at our son’s activities, we’d communicate via actual phone calls and we’d talk about what was going on in our lives other than the child we shared together, we had birthday parties for our son and other holiday events where we were together and friendly. I even became friendly with his new wife. 

I remember one time we were at one of our son’s activities and our new spouses weren’t with us. We were sitting together and one of our son’s friends said “I thought you parents were divorced.” Our son said “they are.” We scooted about 2 feet apart from each other.

It eventually caused problems with both of our second marriages. There were times when something would happen in my life and I’d want to call to tell him about it, admittedly before the thought to even tell my current husband even occurred. Sometimes he would defer to my opinion about something or drop what he was doing at home to come help me with something or, one time, pick me up when my car broke down. Both of our new spouses said things like “I’m your husband/wife now, not him/her!” on multiple occasions.

Once we both divorced our second spouses we eventually found ourselves “dating” each other again. We started hanging out, going places together, just having fun. It eventually led to sex. We tried to keep it a secret but once the news got out most of our family and friends were not surprised. He was somebody who I still shared interest with, he was fun to be around, I was physically attracted to, and he already knew what I liked in bed. I wasn’t interested in entering the dating scene, meeting/dating/sleeping with new men, and wasn’t looking for anything serious either, so it just made sense. I don’t think this is what happens with most ex partners who remain friends but I see why any new partners or spouses would be uncomfortable with somebody who was close with their ex.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

bdivita said:


> It eventually caused problems with both of our second marriages. There were times when something would happen in my life and I’d want to call to tell him about it, admittedly before the thought to even tell my current husband even occurred. Sometimes he would defer to my opinion about something or drop what he was doing at home to come help me with something or, one time, pick me up when my car broke down. Both of our new spouses said things like “I’m your husband/wife now, not him/her!” on multiple occasions.
> 
> *Once we both divorced our second spouses....*


Yeah. Terrible boundaries.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Do you think your marriage would still be ongoing and happy if you hadn't been that close with your ex? Was that the whole issue that broke you apart?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


Had a coworker who was FWB with his ex. For decades, until his death. They liked playing with one another but couldn’t stand the other parts of being married. No kids.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah. Terrible boundaries.


You’re correct. I didn’t realize it at the time. I thought it was great for our son’s sake that we could get along. I felt proud that unlike some divorced couples I knew we could have civil conversations and attend our child’s soccer game together without causing a scene.

Looking back, I realize that my heart was actually always with my first husband. He is who I thought of as my husband even after I divorced him. My second husband is a good man and he never cheated on me, but he never measured up to my first husband in my heart. He was justified in his annoyance and with our friendliness and closeness, but I couldn’t admit it until later.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Do you think your marriage would still be ongoing and happy if you hadn't been that close with your ex? Was that the whole issue that broke you apart?


It’s a possibility. Toward the end of my second marriage I realized that I wasn’t in love with my husband. I didn’t, nor had I ever, felt any sort of burning desire for him. He was a good man. He was very good to my son. He loved me. I realized I didn’t feel the same way. I divorced him because he deserved better than me.

I knew what it felt like to truly be in love with and to physically desire a man because I felt both of those things very strongly with my first husband. I’m talking about before he cheated on me. No matter how much I liked and respected my second husband as a person and as a man, those feelings weren’t there and eventually I realized they never had been. I didn’t divorce so that I could go back to my first husband, let me be clear. He was still married then.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sure my exH’s new wife would have preferred that he be non-friendly but he wasn’t and since she had inserted herself in the middle of our financial negotiations before I filed I didn’t care much if what he did bothered her. I was always friendly to her but I never forgot what she tried to do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

bdivita said:


> It’s a possibility. Toward the end of my second marriage I realized that I wasn’t in love with my husband. I didn’t, nor had I ever, felt any sort of burning desire for him. He was a good man. He was very good to my son. He loved me. I realized I didn’t feel the same way. I divorced him because he deserved better than me.
> 
> I knew what it felt like to truly be in love with and to physically desire a man because I felt both of those things very strongly with my first husband. I’m talking about before he cheated on me. No matter how much I liked and respected my second husband as a person and as a man, those feelings weren’t there and eventually I realized they never had been. I didn’t divorce so that I could go back to my first husband, let me be clear. He was still married then.


It's complicated if you're married. I always say a good dog will be there after a lot of people have passed through your life. Sometimes over time you see a little of that in past people. You see what you liked in them. You see who's left standing, who stood the test of time. But it's some carnage in between. 

Everyone is different. When I was younger and doing most of my dating, I couldn't have been with someone super possessive at all. It would have been a turnoff, a red flag. A lot of my bfs knew each other one way or the other. Secrets would have been hard to have, so I think a lot of my crowd just had the mindset to keep things out in the open and not purposefully tread on each other. Respectful time outs that didn't last forever.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I have hope one day that my Ex and I could be friends. I know she doesn't like me, even might hate me. I don't deserve that friendship, but with us having kids, I do wish that for us.

People change. I truly believe that. I'm living proof.. I've made a lot of changes in my life since my divorce. I think if people see the change, the EX might consider a friendship. But I'm not counting on it, at least not in my case.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> My (first) ex-husband and I remained friendly after our divorce. He cheated on me and I divorced him. We barely spoke for at least a year. He tried to talk to me but I refused. We had a very young little boy at the time, so we only really communicated about him and only via email and occasion information-only text. We both remarried, him to the woman he cheated on me with. Eventually, after maybe 2 years, I was in a place where I could look at him and talk to him without wanting to rip his head off or cry my eyes out. We got to the point where we’d sit together at our son’s activities, we’d communicate via actual phone calls and we’d talk about what was going on in our lives other than the child we shared together, we had birthday parties for our son and other holiday events where we were together and friendly. I even became friendly with his new wife.
> 
> I remember one time we were at one of our son’s activities and our new spouses weren’t with us. We were sitting together and one of our son’s friends said “I thought you parents were divorced.” Our son said “they are.” We scooted about 2 feet apart from each other.
> 
> ...


I don't smoke the hopium pipe. but if I had any hope, THIS is what I would hope for.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

If I had to guess, in the example you gave, neither party has yet been able to find anyone new to move on with. They will keep hanging out and likely hooking up until one of both of them finds someone they actually like. My ex wife and I did this for about a year before we finally called it quits. We are still friendly enough but no longer friends.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

HarryBosch said:


> I don't smoke the hopium pipe. but if I had any hope, THIS is what I would hope for.


I don’t think I’d suggest putting too much time and energy into wishing for it to happen because it could blind you from other wonderful opportunities. I also can’t really blame you for how you feel. I’m very happy with things right now. We are actually living together again and it has taken a more serious turn. We’ve exchanged I love you’s again.

I wasn’t wishing for it before it happened, but there were times where I realized I missed him. I felt beyond sure about divorce when I did it, but later I found myself wondering on more than one occasion if I should have at least given reconciliation some consideration. I think I did the right thing though. I don’t think it would have ended well if I’d attempted reconciliation all those years ago.


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## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


My ex and I were good friends, until he remarried.(I was already happily remarried, so I was happy for him.) Once she was his wife, she forced him to alienate our son, and for that, I will never forgive him. She is still convinced that I want him back, over 20 years after I divorced him. Not if he was the last man on the planet!!! When he turned his back on our son, he ceased to exist. He's dead to me, and MY son.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Laurentium said:


> I believe it can be. Of course, new partners on either side may raise objections...


I think it depends on how friendly they are. I never had an issue with my husband and his ex wife talking, and even when they met for coffee to discuss their daughter at one point it didn't bother me at all, they're still parents after all, I expected that would happen more than once. BUT, they don't have to do it over dinner and movie either lol.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> I don’t think I’d suggest putting too much time and energy into wishing for it to happen because it could blind you from other wonderful opportunities. I also can’t really blame you for how you feel. I’m very happy with things right now. We are actually living together again and it has taken a more serious turn. We’ve exchanged I love you’s again.
> 
> I wasn’t wishing for it before it happened, but there were times where I realized I missed him. I felt beyond sure about divorce when I did it, but later I found myself wondering on more than one occasion if I should have at least given reconciliation some consideration. I think I did the right thing though. I don’t think it would have ended well if I’d attempted reconciliation all those years ago.


I agree. My time and energy are on my kids and getting healthier mentally, physically, and financially. I did love your story though. I believe when people have a connection, it isn't as easy as just walking away and never feeling that connection again. The raw feeling one has right after divorce just doesn't go away either, and I did some very stupid things, but I'm not as evil as she wants me to be. I think we figure that out in time and things at the very least make us realize we can get along. 

It may take years, and people change, but our marriage wasn't one bad thing after another... If my Ex is as good of a person as I believe, she'll realize I wasn't the evil person she see's now. I won't hold my breath, but your story sure made an impression. Thank You.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> I think it depends on how friendly they are. I never had an issue with my husband and his ex wife talking, and even when they met for coffee to discuss their daughter at one point it didn't bother me at all, they're still parents after all, I expected that would happen more than once. BUT, they don't have to do it over dinner and movie either lol.


I would think if two divorced spouses get together to talk about their kids if anything it shows the importance of those kids to the new significant other. That is a caring and responsible thing to do, which to the significant other I would think is an attractive quality.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

bdivita said:


> It’s a possibility. Toward the end of my second marriage I realized that I wasn’t in love with my husband. I didn’t, nor had I ever, felt any sort of burning desire for him. He was a good man. He was very good to my son. He loved me. I realized I didn’t feel the same way. I divorced him because he deserved better than me.
> 
> I knew what it felt like to truly be in love with and to physically desire a man because I felt both of those things very strongly with my first husband. I’m talking about before he cheated on me. No matter how much I liked and respected my second husband as a person and as a man, those feelings weren’t there and eventually I realized they never had been. I didn’t divorce so that I could go back to my first husband, let me be clear. He was still married then.


So why did you marry your second husband? Why not let him find someone that actually loved him? 

You never felt a burning desire for him. You weren't in love with him. He was just a "good man". 

I am genuinely curious and I sincerely hope your answer isn't "I was confused."


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I will never be friends with my ex-wife. Not possible. She is something that I am forced by law to share my children with. It is the only reason I still have contact with her, and that is only through email and text. We do not speak to each other and we do not physically see each other. Any interaction that cannot be avoided will be civil, very short and to the point. I certainly don't wish ill will to the mother of my children. Hopefully that 50% of my kids lives goes well and my kids enjoy it. I will be happy for my kids to enjoy their mother. Any communication can only be strictly about the children. Once our kids are 18, any and all communication will cease from that point forward. 

I see no reason to be friends with an ex. I subscribe to "they are an ex for a reason".


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> So why did you marry your second husband? Why not let him find someone that actually loved him?
> 
> You never felt a burning desire for him. You weren't in love with him. He was just a "good man".
> 
> I am genuinely curious and I sincerely hope your answer isn't "I was confused."


Confused isn’t the right word. I wasn’t confused.

I wanted to love him. I thought I did or convinced myself that I did when we got married. I like(d) him very much. How could I not love him? He loved me, he loved my son and still stays in touch with him, he was good and honest, a good provider, didn’t really come with any drama. I was attracted to him but not ever to the level I felt for my first husband. My first husband is the only person I’ve ever felt undoubtedly in love with. Anyhow, we got along great too. We had typical disagreements but no arguing, almost too smooth. I thought I’d be crazy to not be with him and that I’d spend forever looking for somebody better.

I was happy at first but after some time it just didn’t feel right. Something was missing for both of us and eventually he knew and felt it too. We were like really good friends living together. I never mistreated him. I slept with him and it’s not as if he disgusted me. I think I was a good and supportive wife to him. I feel terrible for how things unfolded and for hurting him, but it felt worse to think of staying married for decades once we both realized something was missing. Toward the end he became very suspicious and accusatory of me and my first husband. Nothing was going on, but he told me he didn’t think he could trust me anymore. There’s no forcing certain feelings and believe me when I say I tried.

He and I are no longer in contact and we have no children together. I do hear about how he’s doing from time to time because he’s still in contact with my teenage son who pretty much views him as a second father. I’m happy about that. I would have no problem seeing him and being friendly but it’s not something he wants right now and I respect that.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I will never be friends with my ex-wife. Not possible. She is something that I am forced by law to share my children with. It is the only reason I still have contact with her, and that is only through email and text. We do not speak to each other and we do not physically see each other. Any interaction that cannot be avoided will be civil, very short and to the point. I certainly don't wish ill will to the mother of my children. Hopefully that 50% of my kids lives goes well and my kids enjoy it. I will be happy for my kids to enjoy their mother. Any communication can only be strictly about the children. Once our kids are 18, any and all communication will cease from that point forward.
> 
> I see no reason to be friends with an ex. I subscribe to "they are an ex for a reason".


This is how it was for me for the first year, maybe 2. It’s exactly how I felt and how we handled things, so I understand. I think that approach works well for some. I never imagined we’d end up where we are now. I’m typing this as he’s asleep beside me in bed and it’s pretty strange actually.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

bdivita said:


> Confused isn’t the right word. I wasn’t confused.
> 
> I wanted to love him. I thought I did or convinced myself that I did when we got married. I like(d) him very much. How could I not love him? He loved me, he loved my son and still stays in touch with him, he was good and honest, a good provider, didn’t really come with any drama. I was attracted to him but not ever to the level I felt for my first husband. My first husband is the only person I’ve ever felt undoubtedly in love with. Anyhow, we got along great too. We had typical disagreements but no arguing, almost too smooth. I thought I’d be crazy to not be with him and that I’d spend forever looking for somebody better.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your honest answer.

With all due respect, do you feel that you used him?

You said that you'd be crazy for not being with him and spend the rest of your life looking for someone better. This sounds like you were settling so that you could be taken care of. I apologize if I misinterpreted that. 

You were attracted to him but not to the level of your first husband. You slept with him and it's not like he disgusted you.

Phew. I sincerely hope you never said any of these things to him. I'm not saying you meant to do this, but you wrote it like you were doing this guy "a favor" by simply being present in front of him.

The way you described how you interacted with your first husband at sporting events? Your second husband had every reason to be suspicious of you. You said it yourself, a child noticed how close you were to your first husband and thought you two were together. It was so noticeable that a child picked it up. Then you would call your first husband when you needed something while you were married to your second?

Just curious, what do you mean nothing was going on with your first husband while you were married to your second? Do you mean physically? From your words, it sounds like you were emotionally invested in your first while married to your second.



bdivita said:


> This is how it was for me for the first year, maybe 2. It’s exactly how I felt and how we handled things, so I understand. I think that approach works well for some. I never imagined we’d end up where we are now. I’m typing this as he’s asleep beside me in bed and it’s pretty strange actually.


I get how you can say you'd never imagine being where you are now, but you are also showing forgiveness to be with your first husband. I personally don't forgive people. That's between them and God. It's outside of my capacity. My ex-wife knows this. She knows we will never speak again. It is much better that way for me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

snowbum said:


> *A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?*


LOL. It is a real thing.

I've been friends with my ex-husband for years, and years ago when our son was still in school, every September we would have a quick dinner at the diner then go to back to school night. We always attended our son's parent/teacher conferences together, and a couple of times we went out for drinks or met for lunch just for laughs.

I was SO past his cheating ways by the time I left him that I wasn't emotionally invested in him at all anymore, so it was easy to be friends with him. Still is.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


Absolutely true.

I still do family holidays/birthdays/etc. with my ex-wife's family. My wife and ex-wife are the best of friends. I have a son with my ex-wife, twins with my current wife. The twins will spend the night with my ex when their brother is over there. They don't see my ex-wife any differently than their mom. Just another mommy-figure that loves them.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

It is very interesting to me how some people really hate their Ex and want nothing to do with them, especially when they have children together. I've stated previously that I am almost certain my Ex hates me. But I am also of the belief that people change, and those feelings of hate wane. People are human, they make mistakes. 

Are some spouses just plain evil? Sure. those should be avoided. But if serious mistakes were made in a relationship and the person went to therapy and came out a better person, why would you discount at the very least a civil relationship with the Ex so your kids could at least see Mom and Dad getting along?

My Ex can get me mad. But I don't anger easily. She could have cheated on me and I still would have pushed for therapy (IC & MC) and tried to work through it. It isn't not having a backbone, it's exhausting all avenues... at least for me. It would take a lot for me to get angry, and I don't think I could ever hate my Ex. Even if she were to meet someone new, at this juncture in our divorce, I would be supportive, and eventually would be very happy for her.

Let me clarify one thing though. If we didn't have kids, I would see no reason to continue to be friends unless something was rekindled.


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## bdivita (Nov 28, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I appreciate your honest answer.
> 
> With all due respect, do you feel that you used him?
> 
> ...


I do feel like I used him, but it wasn’t my intention and I didn’t see it that . I didn’t want to be alone. I feel guilty about it. 

I don’t think I was doing him a favor. He could have easily found a number of quality women and he has found somebody new. I felt like I was lucky to be with him on one hand.

Nothing physically was going on between me and my first husband when I was married to my second husband. I can’t say that nothing inappropriate was going on since I suppose it was in a sense with the poor boundaries.My heart was definitely still with my first husband but I was in denial of it for years.

I haven’t forgotten what he did, but I have forgiven him. I’m not one to encourage people to forgive, it just happened for me over time.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

bdivita said:


> I do feel like I used him, but it wasn’t my intention and I didn’t see it that . I didn’t want to be alone. I feel guilty about it.
> 
> I don’t think I was doing him a favor. He could have easily found a number of quality women and he has found somebody new. I felt like I was lucky to be with him on one hand.
> 
> ...


I am impressed with your honesty. You could have made excuses here and you didn't. 

I'm also glad you realize you were most likely having an emotional affair with your first husband while married to your second. Yes, you had extremely poor boundaries.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

bdivita said:


> I’m not one to encourage people to forgive


I'm the flip side.. and not because I feel I need forgiveness. A thorn is placed in your side when mistrust, anger, hate, whatever, is in you. You carry it around, even when you're convinced it isn't there anymore. We carry these things around with us like a backpack. Sometimes it gets heavier, and we carry it into whatever our next endeavor is, especially when the endeavor is another relationship. You might carry it around for years, and it causes us in some cases, a lot of problems.

Forgiving and moving on free us from that. In my opinion forgiveness makes you a better person. I don't mean forget. When you come out of something or out from someone who is evil, you just don't forget. It may prevent you from forgiveness too, but again, evil people who want nothing but to see you hurt have caused more damage than just divorce, and thus forgiveness I don't believe can be obtained.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm not divorced yet, but I'm friendly with my wife. I'm not wasting time with resentment.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I am impressed with your honesty


Agree.. She isn't afraid to admit her faults and mistakes. It may have taken years, but many never see those faults and mistakes, nor do they learn from them.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not wasting time with resentment.


That is exactly what I mean. You carry around something heavy for so long.. like resentment, look how much time you have wasted not being truly happy with who you are or where your life is or where it's going.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

HarryBosch said:


> That is exactly what I mean. You carry around something heavy for so long.. like resentment, look how much time you have wasted not being truly happy with who you are or where your life is or where it's going.


I got over it. It is what it is. Sure, I'm very disappointed and still a bit down about it, but it's not reversible. So it's pointless being resentful. I also played my part in it.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

HarryBosch said:


> I'm the flip side.. and not because I feel I need forgiveness. A thorn is placed in your side when mistrust, anger, hate, whatever, is in you. You carry it around, even when you're convinced it isn't there anymore. We carry these things around with us like a backpack. Sometimes it gets heavier, and we carry it into whatever our next endeavor is, especially when the endeavor is another relationship. You might carry it around for years, and it causes us in some cases, a lot of problems.
> 
> Forgiving and moving on free us from that. In my opinion forgiveness makes you a better person. I don't mean forget. When you come out of something or out from someone who is evil, you just don't forget. It may prevent you from forgiveness too, but again, evil people who want nothing but to see you hurt have caused more damage than just divorce, and thus forgiveness I don't believe can be obtained.





HarryBosch said:


> It is very interesting to me how some people really hate their Ex and want nothing to do with them, especially when they have children together. I've stated previously that I am almost certain my Ex hates me. But I am also of the belief that people change, and those feelings of hate wane. People are human, they make mistakes.
> 
> Are some spouses just plain evil? Sure. those should be avoided. But if serious mistakes were made in a relationship and the person went to therapy and came out a better person, why would you discount at the very least a civil relationship with the Ex so your kids could at least see Mom and Dad getting along?
> 
> ...


I think @LisaDiane said it best to me.

She doesn't forgive - She "releases". This resonated with me. It is impossible for me to forgive someone that has betrayed me - but I don't have to carry hate with me because of it. I can release the hold that terrible person has on my mind, and I am well on my way towards that goal with my exwife. 

There are only so many times I can say, "She/He made a mistake.". At some point, you have to say, "She/He made a selfish decision.". I look at bdivita's situation and I see a selfish decision; not a mistake. Kudos to her though for admitting it out loud and wanting to get better. I respect honesty and accountability. That's a lot more than my exwife could ever hope to be towards becoming a decent human being. 

Ignorance doesn't count for a free pass in my book. I expect to deal with adults when I'm speaking with adults. Personal accountability is paramount when it comes to any relationship I have in my life; romantic or otherwise. I cannot stand people that don't take responsibility for their actions. Worse yet is when they live in a state of denial so that they can convince themselves they are a good person. What a joke. 

I don't hate my exwife. She is just a non-person to me. She doesn't really exist anymore in my mind. The person that she fooled me into believing she was never existed. Shame on me for not noticing a lot sooner. That is my fault. Regardless, it Doesn't matter that I have to share my children with her or not. Just because I'm civil with her doesn't mean my children have to see me getting along with her. I am not going to fake a "getting along" relationship with my exwife for my children. I don't like lying to people - especially those that I care about. Besides, my kids would see right through that. What IS important is that my kids see me act in a civil manner around their mother. I want them to learn that one can be civil and work together with others even if you don't want to have anything to do with that other person.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I also played my part in it.


That is a huge step in getting over it. Admitting your mistakes and moving on. You play around in the mud of woe is me, you'll be stuck there your whole life if you let it. I too am still down once in a while... I can't wait for that too pass


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

HarryBosch said:


> That is a huge step in getting over it. Admitting your mistakes and moving on. You play around in the mud of woe is me, you'll be stuck there your whole life if you let it. I too am still down once in a while... I can't wait for that too pass


As I said, I'm not entirely over it, especially because I feel regret and guilt about my role in it. But I can't change things, so what's the point in wallowing in misery?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was much easier to be friendly with my exH once I was indifferent to him. When I realized I no longer hated him — and certainly didn’t love him — that was the sweet spot. He was like many people I once knew well (or thought I did) and felt nothing for in the present one way or the other. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him — he just didn’t really register anymore. Did he wish at that point that he hadn’t blown up our very long marriage? Yes, there were hints now and then that could be the case. Did I care the least little bit? Nope.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I think it depends on how friendly they are. I never had an issue with my husband and his ex wife talking, and even when they met for coffee to discuss their daughter at one point it didn't bother me at all, they're still parents after all, I expected that would happen more than once. BUT, they don't have to do it over dinner and movie either lol.


Ok I'll fess up...the fact that I'm 10 years younger than her, and hubby can't stand the sight of her or the sound of her voice certainly helps 😂


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


If people part amicably, I could see it happening. In my case, I don't hate my ex, I'm at the point where I'm indifferent. However, I'm not inclined towards friendship; I can't take liars and betrayers seriously as friend material.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

To me, if someone wants to remain friends with their ex, they aren't ready to fully let go. They want to keep that person within arms reach as a Plan B, etc. 

Be cordial with an ex....sure. Friends going out to grab drinks and dinner...no way. Especially if the divorce was the least bit messy with lawyers, etc.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

SCDad01 said:


> To me, if someone wants to remain friends with their ex, they aren't ready to fully let go.


Concur. I don't believe there's an "undo" button for a sexual relationship. Once you've had sex with someone, you will never be "just friends." That is what I personally believe, I know others feel differently and have different life experiences. But for me, that is how I view it. It's also important that I don't have an ex-husband, only ex-boyfriends, and I've never had to co-parent with an ex. Were I to have those experiences, it could completely change my attitude about it.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

My first Ex went mental. When she was "healthy" we were friends, and the FWB kind for about 4 years until I became serious about someone else. As her illness progressed/become worse we became less and less friends and the last 10 years of her life pretty much not at all.


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## Reluctant Texan (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


I know people who split pretty amicably because they simply did not want the same thing out of life the other did.

I always figured if you found someone that chill who could just say "okay, no big deal, go your own way" and divorce, they were actually a keeper. 

Hey, That's kind of a Catch-22...! anyone that would make it easy to divorce them is a person you should stay married to, and anyone that would be a nightmare divorcing is someone you should divorce


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Reluctant Texan said:


> I know people who split pretty amicably because they simply did not want the same thing out of life the other did.
> 
> I always figured if you found someone that chill who could just say "okay, no big deal, go your own way" and divorce, they were actually a keeper.
> 
> Hey, That's kind of a Catch-22...! anyone that would make it easy to divorce them is a person you should stay married to, and anyone that would be a nightmare divorcing is someone you should divorce


Well there are goals that you can't agree on that will keep you from staying with someone. One of my ex-boyfriends was still in the middle of divorce but as soon as he was free he was in a hurry to have kids and settle down. Or rather he was ready for his wife to have kids and settle down. He and I had parallel careers and my career was my goal so I wasn't about to stop that. I never did get to where I wanted children anyway so no regrets.

We didn't date very long before we figured that out, and there were some shenanigans that hurt me completely separate apart from that. And then we ended up working together for 10 years one place and crossing paths for the next five. You just sort of adjust.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don't believe there's an "undo" button for a sexual relationship


If the sex was really good, it makes the friendship actually dangerous in my opinion. Two people who mesh sexually could easily find themselves in a precarious situation, and if you're trying to distance yourself from that person and just have a friendship, that sexual bond could be a problem. 

I don't see my Ex, so I don't see it as an issue, but if we were friendly... I'm sure at some point that magnetism could rear it's head. I think it's best to stay friendly from a distance.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Reluctant Texan said:


> Hey, That's kind of a Catch-22...! anyone that would make it easy to divorce them is a person you should stay married to, and anyone that would be a nightmare divorcing is someone you should divorce


I like that!


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

snowbum said:


> I’m not getting a divorce.
> A coworker divorced and told colleagues that she and ex went to a bar and had dinner after divorce. Apparantly are friends and hang out. Is this a real thing?


MARRIED best friends never divorced.
You are not friends, ever no more, don't kid yourself


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