# Happy Anniversary to Me



## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

I don't know where to start... this is my first time here and I guess I'm just looking for support. Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary ... my H and I have been separated since April 8th. I say separated but we are still living in the same house, along with our 19 year old who is home from college. H and I don't really speak - only through texts or email - and he has the living room I have the bed room. It is surreal. 

We have been together 28 years (met in college at age 19) and married for 23. He is dating someone he works with (has been seeing her about a year unbeknownst to me) and we are in the process of getting a divorce as is she! (she is/was married for 18 years with 2 seven year old twins). He told me about his affair after we flew to Florida to leave on a cruise. That morning we were to board the ship he says "I am seeing someone else and I'm flying home". He left me there at the cruise port to be with her (because her husband found out about their affair). He wanted to support HER! I went on the cruise by myself and cried in every part of that ship, but didn't want to give him the satisfaction of taking the trip we had planned away too. He says she is his soulmate. Did I mention she is 39 (I am 46)!

It was hard enough being an empty nester when our only child left for college last fall. I was looking forward to our time together in our later years and I didn't expect to be starting over at age 46. I am so sad and lonely. I miss the companionship and just getting a hug. My friends are great but it is so hard because they are all married. I hate to burden them and they are supportive but it's not the same as having that special someone in your life. 

I think H checked out emotionally years ago but I made excuses for his behavior. He was "busy" or being a "guy". I would always ask how was your day etc, but got very little love and affection in return. He was always angry with me about something. We were more roommates than anything. 

I know I deserve more - and maybe I'll find someone who loves me someday - but I just don't want to start all over again! And yet I am so lonely. Please help. I read lots of postings here that say people don't want to find a long term relationship again because they have been there done that. But I think I do. I am a loyal, loving, commited person. I am not bitter. I am more sad than angry. Going forward and thinking about my options I don't want to just date around. I want to find someone special I can share with and be monogomous with. Is that even possible anymore??? Is there hope?

I am losing my house (can't maintain it alone so he's keeping it), his family (who for the last 28 yrs have been like my family) and did I mention his sister is my boss? I have to start all over but it isn't my choice. It feels like my life will gone on the same as always it is just that I won't be in it - she will.

I would appreciate any advice you may have. Thank you.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can relate to your situation and it is very painful and sad. Just try to take things day by day. I know that is hard to do. You are not alone.
Take Care ~
Very Hurt


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Thank you Very Hurt for responding to my post. I can't tell you how good it feels to know someone is out there and I am not alone. Thank you for your compassion. I am so sorry you can relate to my situation as I would not wish this on anyone. Please know that I wish good things for you too!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I too can relate, although my story doesn't have the duration of yours, I too was left by the wayside. I too was very committed and wanted to spend the rest of our years growing together. Life didn't happen like I wanted, but it is still so good. I will pray for your resolution to you situation and you pray for me ;o)


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

I will definitely pray for a resolution for you too. Sending good thoughts your way as we speak  It makes me have hope to hear you say that life is still good even though it didn't happen like you wanted. Thank you for your kind words.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

And that is what we have for sure. Hope, it didn't start when I got married and it won't end with my H leaving. It has been 12 weeks since I came home to a condo we shared as a family to one with him and his daughter's belonging gone without so much as a I'm outta here sucka. I was destroyed and cried continuously, but it is better now and I am praying daily without cease to have me restored to who I was before I even met him. And God is sending many blessings my way.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

My story is similar, married 28 years, and H just decided he was done. I am in the big house, which I no longer want and neither does he, we will sell it and split. I miss everything, hugging, kisses hello and good bye, chats during the work day, his snoring, you name it. I can't believe any of us need to go through this, especially those of us who have been married a long time. Always check in here, i come every night, sometimes twice a day.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

nowthinkpositive ~

Hang in there! It does get easier. My ex-husband and I separated two months before what would have been our 13th anniversary. Last week would've been our 16th anniversary and I didn’t even bat an eye this time the date rolled around. Honestly, I kind of forgot. It is a surprising relief not to feel the sadness when that date comes. 




nowthinkpositive said:


> It feels like my life will go on the same as always it is just that I won't be in it - she will.


Make a selfish change in your life for you. Something you have always wanted to do that possibly out of compromise, you had previously chosen not to. I recall how during the early stages of my divorce, our son told my stbx how I was considering a second dog. LOL!!! He always thought 1 dog was more than plenty for any family to have. I never got the second dog, but my ex and I both knowing how he could no longer have any input regarding pets under "my" roof was a liberating feeling for me.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Sorry that you find yourself her. You will be among friends. I come on here whenever I can, it gets me by. I have good friends, but don't always want to be offloading everyday. And everyday will be different. One day you feel better the next day plunged into despair.

My husband has left me about 5 weeks ago. Found out there was an affair. Having no contact what so ever at the moment. It is the 8th day. I miss him so much. But he did not want me and I have to face that. 

Look after yourself.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I just endured my first anniversary as a separated (but still living together) woman too. Our 18th went by without a word from either of us about it. It was pretty awful.

It is very difficult to look ahead right now, because the road we thought was clear now is shrouded in the unknown, and we no longer have a companion. I am 51, and wonder what life holds for me now. Will I be alone as I grow older, or will someone new come along? Will I find the courage to start a new relationship and learn to trust again? And who am I now? How do I thrive in this greatly altered life, and find joy with or without a new partner?

I fear the loneliness, but I also look forward to finding myself again and cultivating my interests. My husband took so much from me, but I won't let him take everything. It's time to be selfish, and to concentrate on myself and our teenage daughter.

You are not alone. It helps (and it is also sad) to connect with other women who are struggling to make sense of the ending of their marriages and working to move on in a positive way. I just wish we all were close enough to get together for coffee!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

reindeer said:


> Sorry that you find yourself her. You will be among friends. I come on here whenever I can, it gets me by. I have good friends, but don't always want to be offloading everyday. And everyday will be different. One day you feel better the next day plunged into despair.
> 
> My husband has left me about 5 weeks ago. Found out there was an affair. Having no contact what so ever at the moment. It is the 8th day. I miss him so much. But he did not want me and I have to face that.
> 
> Look after yourself.


Might be too early for this but do you miss him as he was the past few years or the idea of a long-term soul mate? I'm asking because these men checked out quite awhile ago and you haven't been getting the partner you deserve for the past year or two. You could be lonely in your current relationship or you could be alone with the hope and dream of what a true partner is. Someone who doesn't look elsewhere when things are tough or mundane. I'm sure it's a huge lifestyle change but please give yourself something to look forward to that you could never do before - like the second dog. Best wishes to all of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Sorry you're going through this. I'm starting over in my 40s, too so w/e, we'll be great!

My anniversary is coming up on July 8th. I'm sure I'll be all over this board that day. I'm already sorta sad about it. In my case there wasn't another woman, although I'm not sure what's worse. He'd rather be alone than with me :/


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

I can relate to what seems to be starting over at at 'later' age in life..I'm 48 with two daughters 11 and 13 and would have been married 18yrs this Aug.28th...been divorced since Febuary and apart since last April..after she walked out with the OM I never thought I would be at the forgiving stage..forgiving myself and her is the key to being able to move forward with the rest of my life...everyone has different circumstances as to how/why someone left them but the result is always the same..anger, pain, why, loneliness, fear, what now?, but that is normal and eventually they subside..I also planned on growing old with my wife but she found someone with no kids who is 38yrs old and finacially secure so it also was a blow to my pride but my daughters would rather stay with me so that helps..we cannot dwell on the past (why) or what our spouse is thinking (what are they doing)..we cannot change the past but you can and must forgive before anything about moving forward will take place..it took me 14 months to even begin to want to forgive (me,her) and I can see once I do the future is wide open...good luck and replace the negative with positive.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Nowthinkpositive, I also know what you are going through. It is so sad when so many people end up on this forum but on the other hand, I thank all the many people on here that have helped me, in a way, cope on the many days where i have been really down. My stbxw and I have been togther since we were 14 yrs old- 36 years. July 19 would have been our 31st anniversary; she booked a trip to Florida that will have her there on that day. It will be insignificant to her! How does one do that after 36 years. It has been 6 weeks now since she told me she wanted out; she wasn't happy, etc. Although I had a great time with my kids and family today, I felt an emptiness inside that right now I feel will never go away. I am so sorry for what you arr going through, you are not alone and we are all here to support eacj
h other. I am in an in house separation and can not even begin to think about dating yet alone a long term relatiinship. I like you do not want to be alone for the rest of my life and I am scared and in a bit of an internal panic because I am 50 yrs old and I just don't know what kind of a window of time I have before I feel like there is no more time left for me to love someone else. There are so many things that I can offer a partner now that I may not be able to give 10 years from now. I wish I had my youth back. I gave her everything, including a lifetime. So many memories, there is no way to erase them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Brighterlight it is totally unbelievable that they can act in this way. I thought 20 years was a long time, but 36....all the history that goes with that? Keep strong we will get through it.

I am 55 so have those relationship doubts-we may have discussed on another thread . I can't imagine being with someone else right now, but then I see or hear of somone that has happened to and I think-maybe one day?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

reindeer said:


> Brighterlight it is totally unbelievable that they can act in this way. I thought 20 years was a long time, but 36....all the history that goes with that? Keep strong we will get through it.
> 
> I am 55 so have those relationship doubts-we may have discussed on another thread . I can't imagine being with someone else right now, but then I see or hear of somone that has happened to and I think-maybe one day?


reindeer,

I know. I think maybe one day too, but I waver in and out of a weird state of consciensness between, YES I CAN, and WELL, MAYBE I CAN'T, OR IT JUST WON"T HAPPEN. I feel numb most of the day.

And YES, 20 YEARS IS ALSO A LONG TIME FOR YOU! So I apologize if I made you feel like your marriage was not as long and therefor isn't as painful. When we have devoted our lives to someone, no matter what length of time, the pain is long lasting and deep. So I pray for everyone on this forum.


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## nowthinkpositive (Jun 18, 2011)

Thank you thank you to everyone who posted in response to my thread. I am glad I found this forum! I no longer feel alone. I wish each and every one of you the love that you deserve - from your families, your children your friends, and maybe (if/when you are ready) from a special some one. I don't believe there is an expiration date on love - I think (hope) it can be found at any age. I am sad to think that we are all in this boat together but strengthened by the companionship. I feel to some degree like I am getting more support here, with strangers who I will never meet face-to-face, than from my H who I saw for years right by my side. I am sorry for each of your losses and I wish for all of you the best, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Nowthink, thank you for those kind words. This is like group therapy for me. And I am getting some great support on here. I am also getting advice I don't care for but helps me tremedously in trying to see different angles on things. Great place to vent! No body is judgemental to the point of being insulting on here. This is a great group of people from all over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

nowthinkpositive,

I am sorry about your situation I really am. My thoughts and prayers are for all of us here. I love this forum I find myself checking it throughout the day on my phone (I know that is bad..lol).

As you, I pray God will bless me one day to bring a man in my life etc.. I know I cannot move forward in any healthy relationship until I rebuild myself from this which will take time.

In my time of reading/praying I came across this passage which provides me comfort. **We will get through this**!!

Psalm 57:1-3
(1)Have mercy on me, my God, have mercy on me, for in you I take refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. 

(2)I cry out to God Most High, 
to God, who vindicates me. 
(3) He sends from heaven and saves me, 
rebuking those who hotly pursue me—[c] 
God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

NTP, live on, and enjoy. D1221, thank you for the scriptures, that was just what I needed tthis morning. I take so much comfort in the fact that I feel God's presence with me every step of the way, and is healing my spirit.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

henothappy,

No problem. I have had to rely strongly on my faith during this time. I also had to thank God for revealing this hhurtful situation and loving me enough not to want me to live this way. So I knew once it was revealed if we could not work it out I would be responsible for living out my decisions. My neice told me, dont be sad or worry because my prince charming has not come along yet and she is 10yrs old. Regardless of this storm I know God knows the desire of my heart and will reward my faithfullness. So this is time for me to heal and enhance my spiritual life which will enhance my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

@ d221 Amen and amen! I concur with every part of your statement.


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