# Lost and devastated



## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

Hi I know I'm new here but I'm glad I stumbled upon this site. My wife and I were married March 24th 2012 and the first day of February marked what is looking to be the end...So here it goes...

I met my wife through my best friend as he was dating her best friend. I had just gotten over a breakup wherein I thought I was head over heals in love and really wasn't looking for anything when we met except a one night stand. 

The day we met I knew something was different about her and my thoughts of a one night stand vanished instantly and actually became a thought that there was no way I could do that too this girl. 

We talked a lot learned we had a lot in common as far as what we wanted and future plans. Mind you I was 20 and she was 18 hadn't quite graduated yet so there was quite a few gaps in our thinking. 

From the beginning meeting her mother and mother's family did not go well I was a male cna on track to becoming a nurse so their first hang up was a career choice made for women so they said and quickly learned that to them how much money I made was the most important thing and it wasn't much. 

The relationship with her mother's family never changed buy I was always polite and respectful. 

She was living with her mother and I quickly figured out she was making no decisions for herself or in regards to what she wanted. 
I offered her to come live with me at my parent's when she graduated to get her away and start working on something serious with us. 

Shortly after that I turned 21 proposed to her in front of my entire family and friends and I was thrilled things were wonderful. 

I waited almost three years to actually go through with the wedding and marriage mostly because I never wanted to divorce and I wanted to be sure we were on the same page and both willing to work through anything and everything because otherwise I didn't want to foolishly become man and wife. 

We were married in March 2012 as I said and happiest people you could imagine. 

Here's where things change.... 

Week before we were married I signed a contract with a medical group in fort Wayne here in Indiana to have a job and be sent to schooling to become a registered nurse like I wanted to be that plus marrying my soul mate I was on top of the world happiest I have ever been. 

June came around and I had started having medical problems and unfortunately ended up diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. 

That went from bad to worse going through different treatments and doctors and finally ending up to the point of me being forced to resign and forego the contract..... 

I thought she would leave then and told her I would understand but she didn't instead she was the only one there for me through all of that telling me it will be ok and she is always going to be there. 

Two years went by before I was granted disability and when it came we bought a trailer and fixed it up. 

Again we were happy moving in a different direction but all was well. 

Then life happens again.... We had decided not to have children due to my medical condition and the fact that all four of my immediate family members ended up diagnosed with auto immune disorders. 

So I got fixed after much talking and discussing. 

We were involved in a bowling league with a couple friends and they always invited us over afterwards on Friday night's. 

One week someone decided to play with pain meds and for some reason we tried it and liked it. 

So started the next traumatic line of events. 

Pain pills ended up becoming unavailable which in turn led to someone introducing heroin and everyone has heard the same story of progression ours was no different. 

We were addicted to opiates for almost three years in which time my wife overdosed six times the last being two days before she left.

We went to rehab in separate centers in Indianapolis the last week of August 2017 and thankfully that stopped the drugs for the most part. 

After getting back from rehab we now faced the most difficult part of addiction and that was repairing our lives. 

We had accumulated a ridiculous amount of debt and bankruptcy was not an option because we filed due to medical bills in 2013 so I started to get a plan and schedule together for us to work on. 

Things never really got steadily better relapses happened and she was constantly on verge of overdosing.. 

I didn't push for her to find a job when we got home from rehab because I knew we were in a fragile state so we attended meetings together and talked a lot strengthening our marriage even more. 

We were the couple all of our friends wanted to be because we never fought always showed affection towards each other always put us first before anyone or anything else she knew everything about me and I about her there was never anything to hide. 

She at one point commented on the fact that I had been around so to speak and she never got the chance so being as secure and confident as I was about our marriage I agreed to bringing others into our sex life as toys and nothing more. 

It never caused a problem and she quickly saw what I said about you aren't missing anything. 

So all that being said come about thanksgiving of last year she had a job at a place that was supposed to be temporary making a little bit of nothing surrounded by the wrong crowd and I had been pestering her about searching and asking if I could help. 

She seemed adamant that she thought we could make it on $8.60/hour when in fact I brought home more on ssdi and prior to the drugs she was making almost eighteen. 

I didn't push too much or look much into it because I love her and trusted her just wanted her to be happy. 

Things slowly started changing and at first I didn't pay it any attention. 

She was constantly on her cell phone messaging people and never sat her phone down which was a first in our entire relationship not just marriage. She was hiding things and that's what I had thought but didn't want to be right so I left it alone. 

It kept getting worse no matter where we went our who we were with she had that phone and was on it. 

My family or friends even some of her family took notice and asked me about obviously I didn't have an answer just stood up for her like I always do. 

She started acting different. Wasn't taking to me much at all and that was a red flag because regardless of where she was or where she was working I talked to her every free moment she got. 

Now there were less calls on breaks at work less ill be home shortly calls then less texts and her saying I wanted to fight all the time because I constantly asked her what's wrong and why aren't you happy anymore all of a sudden? 

She always told me nothing is wrong I needed to calm down relax and stop accusing her. So of course I did exactly that and moved on for a bit. 

She then was offered a better paying job with better hours where get step father is plant manager and she was reluctant but took it. We were out and about in our car week later and the engine blew and she threw a scene like I've never seen her do. 

After that was resolved two weeks later on a Friday we had just finished making love and she was laying on my chest messaging on that phone again except I could read everything she was typing. 

I watched her type "suck your ****" and immediately asked what the hell and to who. 

She said it was a joke I said let me see that phone. She immediately started frantically trying to delete things buy i took the phone and the whole bundle of lies exploded worse than my worst nightmare. 

Five his two girls she was sexting. 

Sending videos of her masturbating while I was in the shower talking about how terrible of a husband I am. 

I got mad and fit the first time was yelling. 

I told her she needed to go to get family for the night because I didn't know what to say or do and I was a complete wreck. 

After her trying to throw herself at me sexually in adv apologetic manner I told her that wasn't the right thing to be doing at this moment and she said something to the extent of she would erase contacts and block numbers. 

So I stopped for a second and said ok fine but give me the phone and you can watch me do it and I want you to text these people and tell them this was a mistake and you are a happily married woman. She refused. 

So she called her mother and lied saying how I was mistreating her and was unfaithful so mommy shows up with step dad and they get nasty and leave with her. 

Instead of her trying to talk to me at all she ignored all calls and messages and blocked me on social media. 

Her mom finally called and wanted the rest of her belongings to be ready for pickup the next day and obviously that devastated me but I went ahead and packed her things and while doing so located drugs and paraphernalia that I didn't know she had. 

She came the next day got her things and was talking about calling an officer... For what? 

She called later she asked why I went through her things and I just said I packed them up like you asked and nothing is missing and she said well I know you went through and were searching. So I said what fit the drugs you had that unfortunately I found and discarded before you could call the police and blame me and of course she denied said if it was there it was mine. 

I also received an indictment for something we got in trouble for January of 17 in a situation where we were stopped after getting drugs for her and I took blame for it all so she wouldn't lose her job and go to jail even though it wasn't my idea. 

They asked me again while all of this nasty separation was going on if I wanted her charged and of course I said no....family was mad but I love her and no matter how much she hurts me I just want her to be happy wish I could be the one to do it but guess I can't. 

Anyway moving on after she got her things I continued to attempt contact with her and she very very rarely sent a message and had reasons upon reasons why she didn't respond. 

About a week and a half after the initial incident she contacted me said she wanted to talk do of course I said ok would prefer in person. She showed up her mom dropping her off and she quickly made it clear that she wanted and had intended on us having sex. 

After doing so I went to the bathroom and was not even three minutes she is completely dressed shoes on coat on pen and paper in hand and said ok let's talk what money do we owe where? Ouch. 

I said what are you trying to do and her intent was for us to split all the debt out of court 50/50. I said why would you think I would even consider that? 

You've been nothing but hurtful to me and you want me to do this for you? 

I didn't even want a divorce never thought I'd ever hear those words come out of your mouth because you were oh so against it. So I said I'll consider it and be accepting of a divorce if you talk to me and give our marriage a chance. 

She then said things were too hard she isn't happy things won't change and I asked her what exactly she wants to change and why she hasn't been talking to me to work through things like we always did. 

She had no answer wouldn't look at me because she was crying so I wiped her tears turned her had and said honey what is going on with you? 

She said this is as hard on me as it is for you dumbfounded I said then end it come home don't let someone else talk you into something that hurts marriage is forever and it means we try no matter what. 

She ended up in my arms and agreed to try I walked her out to her mother's car she hugged me we kissed she said I love you and I said please don't block me out if your life she promised she wouldn't and I haven't spoken to her since. 

That night made me believe this whole thing is being pushed by her mother's family and it hurt worse. 

My 30th birthday was on the 6th and on that day before she went in to work she changed all of her social media back to her maiden name and erased every single picture of us and anything I had posted to get over nine years. 

All of this and I STILL love her and believe she is my soul mate. 

I really don't know what to do to be honest 

I did get an attorney which was hard because I was left with the joint bank account which she hasn't used in seven months and she proceeded to excessively overdraft it before my monthly ssdi deposit this month. 

She has had a separate bank account for months which again was not us because nothing was mine or hers everything was ours. 

And to boot I paid debts off the month she left that were in her name alone to keep get out of court and garnishment. 

Her mom's family had a lot of money mine had none and when I was served with divorce papers she claimed she had no money no income and no means of acquiring any money. All of which are lies she is working making a great deal of money and living in a fancy house with terrible people. 

Indiana doesn't have alimony they call it spousal maintenance and she is suing me for that all court costs and for me to take the debt.

Let's not forget she wanted this she cheated and she refused to even talk to me all of which I have proof but yet again I'd take her back in a heartbeat because I love her that much and for that I hate myself at times....


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

:surprise:



Mattv88 said:


> Hi I know I'm new here but I'm glad I stumbled upon this site. My wife and I were married March 24th 2012 and the first day of February marked what is looking to be the end...So here it goes...
> 
> I met my wife through my best friend as he was dating her best friend. I had just gotten over a breakup wherein I thought I was head over heals in love and really wasn't looking for anything when we met except a one night stand.
> 
> ...


Fixed that for you. :smile2:


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Welcome

Paragraphs will help get responses


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## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

Yeah sorry, I got on a bit of a rant and honestly wasn't paying attention to paragraphs.


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## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

I should add a couple of quick things: she was mad about the car blowing up because that's where she was committing her acts of infidelity before work and after work, also she made it a point that my family, who had been there for her more than her own, supposedly mistreated her and would always bring up what she did (they all sent her messages letting her know our marriage is our business and regardless they will never mistreat her)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems.....

When the gift of life was given, you got life.
A life, not in the sun, but in the shadows, in the dregs.

It seems.....

When you got a body, it was destined to fail.
Soon followed the mind, led by the soporifics.


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## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

Yeah life has dealt me an interesting set of circumstances, but up until this happening with her, I thought it had only made us stronger as a couple. That was enough for me to accept things that had happened out of our control and "make the best of it" so to speak. The fact that she was there through all sorts of hell and we never had trouble makes this situation absolutely perplexing to me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MS is not an immediate death sentence, it is slow death.
Average lifespan after onset is 30 years.

The greatest threat to your life is suicide and infections.

Your' greatest threat from suicide is worrying about your wife.
You 'have' this condition, she 'lives' with it.

I suggest separating from her. Stress makes MS worse.
Move to the sunny south. Take vitamin D. 

Take up some simple hobbies and live out your days in peace.
Minus illicit drugs.

MS is bad, very bad. Having MS in prison is worse.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mattv88 said:


> Yeah life has dealt me an interesting set of circumstances, but up until this happening with her, I thought it had only made us stronger as a couple. That was enough for me to accept things that had happened out of our control and "make the best of it" so to speak. *The fact that she was there through all sorts of hell and we never had trouble makes this situation absolutely perplexing to me*.


What is not perplexing is both of you taking opiates.
Her fine mind slipped into that coarse comportment.

Her fine behavior, became wrinkled, her boundaries not slipping, rather they floated away in a daze, in a haze, they fell away.
Once she tasted the high, the low seemed more comforting.

You cannot remain pure when your mind is not your mind, is poached, as an egg over low heat.
You lost her, when she lost herself. To drugs.

NOT PERPLEXING for those on the outside, looking in. Nay.. :|


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## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Mattv88 said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah life has dealt me an interesting set of circumstances, but up until this happening with her, I thought it had only made us stronger as a couple. That was enough for me to accept things that had happened out of our control and "make the best of it" so to speak. *The fact that she was there through all sorts of hell and we never had trouble makes this situation absolutely perplexing to me*.
> ...


That was nothing more than something we both got into starting out as "fun" and turning into a problem. We got into it together. we dealt with it together. She used more recently than I and I have zero desire for that sort of thing but I highly doubt she is an active addict again. I guess my point of sharing that was to reinforce that even though we made some bad decisions and went through a lot we always worked through it together and our love was not something either of us ever questioned. That's one of the biggest reasons why I have an extremely hard time just letting go. That's not what we do....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> I have an extremely hard time just letting go. That's not what we do....


Don't we all.

Change for the good.....we revel, we roll in. As a feline in catnip.
Change for the bad.......we repel, we roll away. But it seems never far enough... away. 

Change is ALWAYS necessary. Not necessarily pleasant, oft not.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Living with MS must be difficult but your relationship with your wife is much worse for your health. As I read your post, I didn't really need paragraphs, because just about every sentence made me stop and say "No." The fact that she happened to be around when bad stuff was going down doesn't really mean she was "there" for you. Sounds like you did a lot for her, though - from "fixing" yourself (I saw the marriage ending right there) to paying her bills after she left you and everything in between.


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## Mattv88 (Mar 11, 2018)

martyc47 said:


> Living with MS must be difficult but your relationship with your wife is much worse for your health. As I read your post, I didn't really need paragraphs, because just about every sentence made me stop and say "No." The fact that she happened to be around when bad stuff was going down doesn't really mean she was "there" for you. Sounds like you did a lot for her, though - from "fixing" yourself (I saw the marriage ending right there) to paying her bills after she left you and everything in between.


Unfortunately looking back things seem different than what they were at the time buy I think that's always the case. We really did have a very sound marriage. We didn't a lot of time talking about any and every thing and we were not just husband and wife we were best friends. In the earlier days I spent more time with "friends" than her and after some time went by I changed my ways and let myself completely pour into our marriage. After that things were incredible honestly not a thing I can think of that I would have changed. The problem with that however is when that completely unexpectedly without even reasoning fell apart and there wasn't a thing I could do to change ANYTHING I found myself devastated and realising how vulnerable I made myself to her. Makes me wonder if I could ever do that again and that's honestly not fair to the next lady.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I don’t see this relationship as being healthy nor do I ever see it as being healthy. Sometimes when a couple goes through hard and trying times it doesn’t bring them together it tears them apart. Maybe being with you only reminded her of the rough times you guys went through with health issues, drug addiction..etc

Let her go and work on you. I know right now it feels to you that you love her but i think maybe you are just in love with the idea of her and your marriage. I think a fresh start for both of you is just what you guys need. All the best!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You both have way too much work to do individually to even attempt making togetherness a success.
There is a lot of past addiction, drama, infidelity, etc.

My strong suggestion would be to protect yourself legally, document everything that you have paid for (for her or for the household) and protect your future interests.
Get yourself out of this toxic relationship and go work on yourself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Your relationship is toxic. It's really just as bad as the drugs. You need to let her go and move on. There is a whole life out there for you.


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