# Never saying sorry



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

What is your take on people who never say they are sorry. I know some might feel it doesn't really matter if they "say" they are sorry as long as they show it. But what if a person doesn't show they are sorry for things they have done or said either? 

Do you feel that person simply doesn't care? Checked out of the situation? Is there a lack of empathy chip missing? Maybe they feel "why bother" if they know they are going to keep doing the same thing/behavior over and over again? 

And yes I'm sure it may depend on what they are needing to say sorry for, BUT, sometimes to me it would seem common sense would say its the right and respectful thing to do. 


Thoughts?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

people who don't say sorry bother me as much as people who say sorry too much 

When someone messes up I think in addition to the actions that say they're sorry,the words I'm sorry go a long way in starting the healing process. 

Not saying it seems like caring for a cut that needs stitches and expecting it to heal properly without them.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My ex (22 yrs.) refused to say it.

Why in the world would a person who is alway "right" & never does anything "wrong" ever have to say it?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Probably because they feel they have nothing to be sorry for. That they did "this and that" because of <<<put any excuse here>>>. Some people find saying they are sorry as a sign of weakness. That saying they are sorry is giving the other person power. Does this person have other traits other than not being able to say they are sorry? Do they blame others for their failures? Do they feel justified in being able to say and do whatever they want regardless of consequences? If yes, I'd look up the definition of narcissism and see how it fits.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

This is from my own personal experience with it. My husband came from a family where the word "sorry" was rarely used if ever, and certainly not shown. So for me, I would say it can actually be a learned behavior. Or in my husbands case it seems so. 

He has said it on occasion, but for some reason it really never seemed genuine. Perhaps that is because he usually did repeat the same kinds of things he said he was sorry for, so I guess I never felt he was really sorry. 

I remember once yrs ago he actually said to me when I asked him why he never told he me was sorry, he said, "Why should I tell you I'm sorry if I'm just gonna do the same thing over and over again?" I remember feeling shocked at such a comment, because that actually came across as someone who knew they did wrong and was going to keep doing wrong regardless of how someone else may have felt. Kinda like it was pre-planned to keep doing the same things. 

I do think too, there is a lack of empathy there. I don't know if that s mental illness kind of thing or what. I have to wonder too, if a person such as that is so wrapped up in their own hurt, guilt and shame that maybe they can't see beyond themselves enough to say they are sorry.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Probably because they feel they have nothing to be sorry for. That they did "this and that" because of <<<put any excuse here>>>. Some people find saying they are sorry as a sign of weakness. That saying they are sorry is giving the other person power. Does this person have other traits other than not being able to say they are sorry? Do they blame others for their failures? Do they feel justified in being able to say and do whatever they want regardless of consequences? If yes, I'd look up the definition of narcissism and see how it fits.


I think narcissism very well could be the case with my husband. He is a blamer, and loves to find fault with others too.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

My ex would say sorry..but in a way that made it mean nothing..then the sorry because 2 or 4 sorry statements...and they all seemed so hollow..Like there was no meaning behind it...


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## Minuit à Paris (Sep 3, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> people who don't say sorry bother me as much as people who say sorry too much
> 
> When someone messes up I think in addition to the actions that say they're sorry,the words I'm sorry go a long way in starting the healing process.
> 
> Not saying it seems like caring for a cut that needs stitches and expecting it to heal properly without them.


I agree with ScarletBegonias, my husband says sorry off the cuff. He doesn't change or learn, he just says sorry. 

So not saying sorry and saying sorry can equal the same thing: no real remorse, or remorse but no change.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> What is your take on people who never say they are sorry.


People who will not say they are sorry/apologize are emotionally-stunted. 

I personally find that to be a major weakness in a person and it really really irritates me. 

It's not a good thing.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I'm in the crowd where I say it doesn't matter if they say they are sorry to me, but they _show_ me that they are sorry. I believe that it is just decency to admit that you are wrong. I, readily, admit that I am when I am.

I feel that a person would think that they are always right and that they have a chip on their shoulder. I think that the person can't acknowledge what they said hurt me.

Nothing more turns me off than disrespect, and, yes, I feel this goes along those lines.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Either an "I'm sorry" or an understanding of my feelings/pov/experience or a sincere effort to change whatever was hurtful. I don't need all 3. 

And I don't want an "I'm sorry" if it's empty and to "appease" me and if he continues the same thing without even trying to change it.

I posted a thread this morning that asks about a specific angle of this. Today sucks in my world.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

My wife doesn't say sorry because she doesn't like to admit she was wrong about something to ME. Someone here said that emotionally stunted people do this and I entirely agree.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

My STBXW never said she was sorry for ANYTHING and was NEVER sorry for ANYTHING! 

She literally does have no empathy chip at all. She could care less who she hurt or how. It was always all about her and she is always the victim regardless.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I have always been bothered by people who lack empathy. Its almost kinda scary like.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

trey69 said:


> Its almost kinda scary like.


It is scary and sad.

Empathy is one of the most formative and definitive elements of being human. 
If it is lacking, your humanity has a big hole in it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:iagree: Trey69


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

IrishGirlVA said:


> Probably because they feel they have nothing to be sorry for. That they did "this and that" because of <<<put any excuse here>>>. QUOTE]
> 
> Bingo! That was my stbxw.
> 
> ...


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> My wife doesn't say sorry because she doesn't like to admit she was wrong about something to ME. Someone here that emotionally stunted people do this and I entirely agree.


My W almost never says "sorry." I think she's in self-appointed martyr mode so any hurt she causes pales on comparison to the the hurts she perceives to be happening to her. Most of her problems are self inflicted but she likes to think that they come from outside.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> My W almost never says "sorry." I think she's in self-appointed martyr mode so any hurt she causes pales on comparison to the the hurts she perceives to be happening to her. Most of her problems are self inflicted but she likes to think that they come from outside.




Maybe we married the same woman.... :banghead:


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Santa said:


> Maybe we married the same woman.... :banghead:


Catholic perfectionist?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I'm not a person to say sorry very often. It depends on the circumstance.
For instance, if I made a mistake/missed something at work & it was pointed out to me, I would say 'Thanks for showing me that, I will make sure that does not happen again.' or similar.
If I stand on someone's toes (literally) or bump them, I will say sorry. If I do something bad to my H I will apologise. (not that I do bad things often..)
For some reason, I seem to have an issue with the actual word 'Sorry'. No idea why, I don't think I lack empathy or am a narcissist..


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Bellavista said:


> I'm not a person to say sorry very often. It depends on the circumstance.
> For instance, if I made a mistake/missed something at work & it was pointed out to me, I would say 'Thanks for showing me that, I will make sure that does not happen again.' or similar.
> If I stand on someone's toes (literally) or bump them, I will say sorry. If I do something bad to my H I will apologise. (not that I do bad things often..)
> For some reason, I seem to have an issue with the actual word 'Sorry'. No idea why, I don't think I lack empathy or am a narcissist..


No I don't think you lack empathy either..you just stated you don't say "sorry" often...but you do seem to say it at times when it needs to be said...or at least you have acknowledged that you have done or said something wrong. This is more geared to people who never seem to say it, or show it etc.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> I'm not a person to say sorry very often. It depends on the circumstance.
> For instance, if I made a mistake/missed something at work & it was pointed out to me, I would say 'Thanks for showing me that, I will make sure that does not happen again.' or similar.
> If I stand on someone's toes (literally) or bump them, I will say sorry. If I do something bad to my H I will apologise. (not that I do bad things often..)
> For some reason, I seem to have an issue with the actual word 'Sorry'. No idea why, I don't think I lack empathy or am a narcissist..


I think work is a different situation. In your example you made a work mistake so your response was appropriate. Suppose you promised to pick your friend up on the way to work because her car was in the shop, but you forgot to leave on time and left her waiting there thirty minutes after the agreed upon time?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I think work is a different situation. In your example you made a work mistake so your response was appropriate. Suppose you promised to pick your friend up on the way to work because her car was in the shop, but you forgot to leave on time and left her waiting there thirty minutes after the agreed upon time?


In that instance, I would say sorry. I am also not big on making excuses, so I would leave it at a simple apology.
An example has just come to mind. Yesterday, H left to drive 5 hours to a karate camp. 20 minutes after he left, I remembered my work keys were in the car he had. I called him & he turned around to come back (I did offer to drive to meet him). I did have to say sorry for that & there was no excuse as I knew he was taking the car I normally use for at least the last week. 
Whenever we fight though, unless it is blatantly my fault (rare), he will nornally apologize first. That is where I struggle to say sorry.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> Whenever we fight though, unless it is blatantly my fault (rare), he will nornally apologize first. That is where I struggle to say sorry.


So even if you were equally responsible you would let him apologize to leave the impression that he was more at fault? Sounds like a resentment builder.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I firmly believe that a person should be honest enough to himself to genuinely apologize when they are wrong.

The problem with some of us is that we are NEVER wrong , even though we know deep down inside that,
We are wrong.
I think hubris [ false pride ] is at the root of that type of behaviour


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> So even if you were equally responsible you would let him apologize to leave the impression that he was more at fault? Sounds like a resentment builder.


Sounds like me/her. "Resentment builder", so very true (and a term I like as I can't spell "vicious cycle" very well, very often). At times we have apologized too often and/or too hard, it's a bit more than a "tooth paste cap" but it aint infidelity. Not good.

An appropriate, deserved and honest (one knows) "I'm sorry" goes a long way to real forgiveness and un-resenting. That's good.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> So even if you were equally responsible you would let him apologize to leave the impression that he was more at fault? Sounds like a resentment builder.


It is an area in our relationship that I am aware of & am working to improve in.


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