# My spouse is boring.



## MsLonely

I feel bored to be with my husband not only in bed but also out of bed. 
I'm not talking about no ideas to spice up sexual life. I'm talking about I don't feel any thrill or flush whenever he approaches me and my heartbeat pounds normally.
I don't feel energetic or excited when going out for a date with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude

Curiously, why did you two marry in the first place?


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## OhGeesh

Yep^^^^^^^^^

I don't get it really........


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## Rob774

RandomDude said:


> Curiously, why did you two marry in the first place?


Methnks this wasn't apparant in the beginning. Usually this sorta thing happens gradually... and then WHAM!!! Methinks my wife is nearing th is way with me, i don't know, but i know things aren't the same as t hey used to be. I know she loves me the same, but the enthusiasm on certain things... just isn't there like used to be years earlier. 

To MsLonely, have you discussed this with him? Are you showing what you are saying in your actions, perhaps he is picking up on some clues by now. Would a vacation with just you two help, i don't know what else to say, this is a husband's worst nightmare outside an affair.


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## Blanca

I always thought this was to be expected after being together for awhile. i am getting bored in my marriage so i joined a meetup group and have since gone sky diving and rafting down a pitch black cave. it was awesome and shook me out of my lull.


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## lovelieswithin

I don't think you're going to feel excited about your spouse ALLLL the time... but I do believe that you can poison your own thoughts with negativity. When I start to feel bored with my husband, I try and reflect on moments he has excited me and I anticipate that feeling coming back eventually. In my experience, a marriage is like an ocean, in that, the tides come in and go out. If you turn your back on the ocean, then you won't be able to see the beautiful tide coming in with the sun beaming over the horizon - all you see is darkness and gloom. Take a break from looking to your husband for excitement and try to have some faith & optimism that he will again put a smile on your face in a moment when you least expect it so long as you patiently await for it to come again. 
On a side note, if you feel he has lost his interest or that he isn't contributing to the thrill factor in the marriage, be open and talk to him about how you're feeling. Maybe he has been too busy with work or stresses in his own agenda and it's taken away his attention to the fun factor in your home life?  good luck!


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## Mom6547

Rob774 said:


> Methnks this wasn't apparant in the beginning. Usually this sorta thing happens gradually... and then WHAM!!! Methinks my wife is nearing th is way with me, i don't know, but i know things aren't the same as t hey used to be.


Things aren't the same as they used to be here either. I think it is unrealistic to expect the fire to burn the same way throughout the long years. Then it was massive blaze. Now it's hot embers. The hot embers heat the house. It is different but good. 

Where there was excitement, now there is deep trust of shared experience good and bad. Now there is tenderness and understanding.

The sexual desire is present but also different. 

I like this way better than the blazing fire.


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## 4sure

Maybe it isn't your H, but it's doing the same ole things day in, and day out. Do something different. Do something that is so not you. Go somewhere that you thought you never would go.

Last summer we went to a mule pull, yeah you heard me right. My H wanted to go for years. I thought that is the biggest ******* crap. Last summer I went. We had the best time. I was yellin at my mule team to pull. He was laughing at me. The Quakers put this on. We saw their way of life. We had a great time. To this day we will laugh about it.


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## southbound

lovelieswithin said:


> I don't think you're going to feel excited about your spouse ALLLL the time... but I do believe that you can poison your own thoughts with negativity. When I start to feel bored with my husband, I try and reflect on moments he has excited me and I anticipate that feeling coming back eventually. In my experience, a marriage is like an ocean, in that, the tides come in and go out. If you turn your back on the ocean, then you won't be able to see the beautiful tide coming in with the sun beaming over the horizon - all you see is darkness and gloom. Take a break from looking to your husband for excitement and try to have some faith & optimism that he will again put a smile on your face in a moment when you least expect it so long as you patiently await for it to come again.
> On a side note, if you feel he has lost his interest or that he isn't contributing to the thrill factor in the marriage, be open and talk to him about how you're feeling. Maybe he has been too busy with work or stresses in his own agenda and it's taken away his attention to the fun factor in your home life?  good luck!


I agree with lovelieswithin. How long have you been married? Was the fire there when you married? My wife recently divorced me. I could give a long list of reasons, but I think it boils down to she became bored and wasn't happy. Speaking from experience, GET HIS ATTENTION and tell him your problems. Sometimes just telling us guys doesn't get our attention like it should or we don't think it's as serious as it may be. I got lazy and now would love to do some of those things to keep my wife happy had I known they were that important to her.


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## MsLonely

Thank you all for good inputs and advice!
When I talked to my husband we should create "some sparks" in our marriage, he quickly agreed with me. It's very obvious he also feels bored but he doesn't know what to do, either. 
Thus, not only women but also men need to feel excited in marriage life but after married, the fact is we spent more time in watching Tv, shopping for groceries, entertaining visitors, paying attention to the kid's studies & school, and worrying about the unrepaired broken stuff in the house...etc. etc. than having a romantic dinner and outing with the spouse.
I don't mean to have a peaceful family life with a certain level of working stress & boredom is terrible. It's just boring year after year, everyday we repeat the same thing just to raise up the kid.
Gradually and certainly, the passion faded and the chemistry disappeared.
It's getting harder and harder to keep the faith but getting easier and easier to fool around. To maintain the romantic feelings with the spouse in bed and out of bed is very important.


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## littlemoon

To Ms Lonely, I can completely sympathise with you as I find myself in exactly the same position. The fire is completely burnt out of my marriage, I don't find my husband sexually attractive anymore-although I know that he is a very good looking man. I'm glad however that your husband recognises the need to do something about the flaws in your relationship, as mine seems to think it's all my fault for not wanting to have sex. I hope you can reignite the flames that once burned with equal effort from the both of you, because although the dynamic of your relationship does change the longer you're with someone it's still extremely important to feel wanted, loved and desired.
And to those who passed judgement on Ms Lonely's relationship and commented as to why they got married, I would like to point out that this is an extremely common porblem in long term relationships and can easily be overcome but only if both parties involved are willing to make the effort.


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## MsLonely

littlemoon said:


> To Ms Lonely, I can completely sympathise with you as I find myself in exactly the same position. The fire is completely burnt out of my marriage, I don't find my husband sexually attractive anymore-although I know that he is a very good looking man. I'm glad however that your husband recognises the need to do something about the flaws in your relationship, as mine seems to think it's all my fault for not wanting to have sex. I hope you can reignite the flames that once burned with equal effort from the both of you, because although the dynamic of your relationship does change the longer you're with someone it's still extremely important to feel wanted, loved and desired.
> And to those who passed judgement on Ms Lonely's relationship and commented as to why they got married, I would like to point out that this is an extremely common porblem in long term relationships and can easily be overcome but only if both parties involved are willing to make the effort.


Thank you for your very good response! 
It's true a common problem in long term relationship and this problem is often ignored.
Year after year, I can't feel excited but bored when my husband approaches me.
I totally agreed that both must make effort to ignite the flame.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

I have told my husband I feel bored most of the time. He doesn't really know what to do.
He said he wants to take more day off for me around valentine's day so we can celebrate together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Don't we all feel bored with everyone every one in a while?

I love my husband dearly, but at times I've felt bored and I'm sure he has too. We've been together 27 years and married 26 on the 26th of this month, I would expect "some" boredom every once in a while.

I think that's a normal ebb and flow of any relationship.


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## greenpearl

MsLonely said:


> I have told my husband I feel bored most of the time. He doesn't really know what to do.
> He said he wants to take more day off for me around valentine's day so we can celebrate together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How much time do you spend together?

When you spend time together, what do you do? Do you have interesting conversation?

It is important for couples to spend time together and have meaningful conversation! 

You have mentioned dating nights or days. It is a great way for couples to enjoy time together, but when you are together, you guys have to talk to each other, look at each other, just like young couples in love! Not like old couples who go to tea shops together but read newspapers! 

My husband and I usually go out on weekends, weekends are usually our dating days, we go to coffee shops, tea houses, fancy restaurants, then we sit down and talk to each other, we discuss what we have read, we discuss human life in general, we listen to each other's opinion!


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## SimplyAmorous

Ms Lonely: 

*What brought you together early in dating /marraige*? 

*What shared interests did you indulge in then? What has changed*?

When he comes home from work, does he share his day, do you want to hear about what happened, asking him questions? I think these "little" things are important. I always do this with my husband- sometimes he has some REALLY funny stories to tell and I find myself laughing hysterically. If we watch tv together, we talk about what we are watching, how we personally feel. I even talk about some of the stuff I read on here to him. And see how he feels. 

I bought a couple books of Questions, they sit in our bathroom, sometimes while one takes a bath, the other asks questions from the book. Amazon.com: The Book of Questions: Love & Sex (9780894806193): Gregory Stock: Books 
and 

Amazon.com: The Complete Book of Questions: 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion (9780310244202): Garry Poole: Books 

No matter who we are married too, or how long we have been together, there is always something New we can learn, some mystery to unravel. Or it should be this way, we should feel this way. This question asking can really open up some dialogue that can spark some new ideas in you both, or learn new things - to build on. 

*What hobbies & passions does HE have?* 

*What hobbies & passions do YOU have *? 

*Do you enjoy the same type of movies - to snuggle up & watch together?*

Me & my husband have always been pretty close - but I can recall a time /phase when he would come home, and I didn't even really care, I was so into posting on religious forums back then, wrapped up into debating online (I have odd interests), doing this got me bent of a shape at times probably because I was always being slammed & I kept going back for more. He used to think it would have been just as good to stay at work. We were missing each other. I remember feeling we had little in common & not much to talk about but our Kids. 

Back then, I was taking him for granted, I didn't get up in the morning to cook his breakfasts, took little care in what I packed for his lunches, he used to go to bed alone while I stayed on the net till I was tired or was off reading countless books. He missed me & wanted me but let me do my own thing. I think back then what I really needed was a closer connection TO HIM but I was so wrapped up into other things, I just didnt see it. 

*Are you both making the effort to please the other? * 

*Doing those little things that could potentially add up to greater feelings and connection between the 2 of you? * 

*Or is this more one sided, you doing all the effort while he just receives?*


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## MsLonely

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ms Lonely:
> 
> *What brought you together early in dating /marraige*?
> 
> *What shared interests did you indulge in then? What has changed*?
> 
> When he comes home from work, does he share his day, do you want to hear about what happened, asking him questions? I think these "little" things are important. I always do this with my husband- sometimes he has some REALLY funny stories to tell and I find myself laughing hysterically. If we watch tv together, we talk about what we are watching, how we personally feel. I even talk about some of the stuff I read on here to him. And see how he feels.
> 
> I bought a couple books of Questions, they sit in our bathroom, sometimes while one takes a bath, the other asks questions from the book. Amazon.com: The Book of Questions: Love & Sex (9780894806193): Gregory Stock: Books
> and
> 
> Amazon.com: The Complete Book of Questions: 1001 Conversation Starters for Any Occasion (9780310244202): Garry Poole: Books
> 
> No matter who we are married too, or how long we have been together, there is always something New we can learn, some mystery to unravel. Or it should be this way, we should feel this way. This question asking can really open up some dialogue that can spark some new ideas in you both, or learn new things - to build on.
> 
> *What hobbies & passions does HE have?*
> 
> *What hobbies & passions do YOU have *?
> 
> *Do you enjoy the same type of movies - to snuggle up & watch together?*
> 
> Me & my husband have always been pretty close - but I can recall a time /phase when he would come home, and I didn't even really care, I was so into posting on religious forums back then, wrapped up into debating online (I have odd interests), doing this got me bent of a shape at times probably because I was always being slammed & I kept going back for more. He used to think it would have been just as good to stay at work. We were missing each other. I remember feeling we had little in common & not much to talk about but our Kids.
> 
> Back then, I was taking him for granted, I didn't get up in the morning to cook his breakfasts, took little care in what I packed for his lunches, he used to go to bed alone while I stayed on the net till I was tired or was off reading countless books. He missed me & wanted me but let me do my own thing. I think back then what I really needed was a closer connection TO HIM but I was so wrapped up into other things, I just didnt see it.
> 
> *Are you both making the effort to please the other? * Doing those little things that could potentially add up to greater feelings and connection between the 2 of you? Or is this more one sided, you doing all the effort while he just receives?


Wow I really appreciated your input!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> When he comes home from work, does he share his day, do you want to hear about what happened, asking him questions? I think these "little" things are important. I always do this with my husband- sometimes he has some REALLY funny stories to tell and I find myself laughing hysterically. If we watch tv together, we talk about what we are watching, how we personally feel. I even talk about some of the stuff I read on here to him. And see how he feels.


That's what we do every day too. Daily conversation like this really makes a couple feel close!


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## MsLonely

I feel a bit guilty because when my husband needs my attention when I'm reading the forum, I will put him to the back burner. Vice & versa, he would put me to the back burner and not able to listen to what I'm talking. We don't fight or argue. We simply respect each other doing our own things without being disturbed. Such respect sounds right but it could be wrong.
We really need to make effort to listen and give attention for each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl

MsLonely said:


> I feel a bit guilty because when my husband needs my attention when I'm reading the forum, I will put him to the back burner. Vice & versa, he would put me to the back burner and not able to listen to what I'm talking. We don't fight or argue. We simply respect each other doing our own things without being disturbed. Such respect sounds right but it could be wrong.
> We really need to make effort to listen and give attention for each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A husband and wife don't need to spend all of their time together, they each should have their own interests and hobby. 

But daily greetings and conversation is important and it is what make us intimate. Like what SA said, daily conversation like she and her husband are having make a couple feel close to each other. And make sure you always go to bed together, have some play time together before you fall asleep. You can get up later if you want to, but having some play time together in bed can also bring you close to your husband!


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## SimplyAmorous

MsLonely said:


> I feel a bit guilty because when my husband needs my attention when I'm reading the forum, I will put him to the back burner. Vice & versa, he would put me to the back burner and not able to listen to what I'm talking. We don't fight or argue. We simply respect each other doing our own things without being disturbed. Such respect sounds right but it could be wrong.
> We really need to make effort to listen and give attention for each other.


 Yes, take the time if he starts talking to you , really listen about his day. 

Personally I would get VERY BORED if we never faught or argued now & then. Many feel conflict is all bad, I would never never never agree. It just shows you are truly communicating, unearthing things that you "feel" & to be listened too, can lead to a better place for you both. A little conflict can be GOOD. Too much is not of coarse. 

As Big Bad Wolf on this site would explain so very well, you need to show each other some of that "healthy" JEALOUSY over each others time & attentions, not being afraid to show your Lover you WANT to spend time with him, you WANT to talk to him, you WANT to listen to him, You DESIRE to be with him intimately (I think you do this one!) and if you see he is spending too much time elsewhere (on the computer, with guys at work), Let him know he has ALOT to come home too and won't be disappointed. If you are a Giver , nothing wrong with going out of your way to show what you want to give. And hopefully this will divert his attentions back to you. Maybe he WANTS to feel desired by you too. 

Gotta start with somone. 

And you would probably feel on top of the world IF he lost a little of that "boring" respect and showed you this side of himself also ?? I guess so long as we enjoy our spouses, I assume we would feel this way. If you accually do not enjoy thier personality & they get on your nerves, I guess this is NOT the answer. 

My husband used to be "respectful" of whatever I was doing (tooo da** respectful for that matter) to the point of him suffering from what he truly wanted from me, he was too self-less. (I never had this problem). Now that we are closer emotionally & physically, I can tell you he has opened up some & will make comments if I so much as do a thing to "neglect" him that might give a little "sting" & I like that ! It reigns me in. It shows me he wants me near, he is "jealous" of my attentions elsewhere. This is good cause I love to be needed as well.


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## MsLonely

@ greenpearl,

You're a very understanding wife who knows when to go to your husband for some fun; when to leave him alone for doing his own things. I'm doing something like you but the problem is I'm bored. So I need to know how you make this daily interaction & routine passionate without getting bored?

@SimplyAmorous,

I really enjoy your views because they're very downearth helpful. 
They're always very practical & balancing.

After I read your inputs, I decided to take your advice & put it right away into use : To be more listening whenever my husband approaches me...

So yesterday, he approached me & I immediately closed my forum windows on my handphone, putting it aside, getting myself to listen & giving him full attention.

Then, we talked & talked, which was fine, but soon after, he started to make me do some work while having the conversation.

He wanted me to give him lots of massage on his neck. (trigger points pain) After his pain got a relief, also my hand was tired, he went back to computer to do his own stuff... (studies) I went back to read my TAM forum.

The whole interaction bored me. I somehow rather stay alone without being disturbed without his approaching & getting me to give him the massage service on his neck.

I don't mean I hate to help him with some massage.

I mean I can't feel his approaching me was exciting & relaxing.

It's a task for me to take. Vice & versa.

I also have triggar point pain, so when I needed his attention, he would give me same service, which I believe, also bored him.

Therefore, I figured out this kind of interaction isn't going to help increase any butterflies in the stomach or not even a bit intimacy.

Finally I made a deal with him that is, after we finish our own stuffs, we should go for a walk (15 mins walking) every night. 

We just go to a nearby convenient story & buy a little thing there and come back.

It turned out well:
At that walking moment, we were really sharing our intimate time, walking, listening, laughing & chatting to reach that story, then, we got some soft drink & snacks from the story and we walk back home, chatting, laughing & enjoying our short company for each other.

Nevertheless, before he falls into sleep. I need to give him some massage again... not much fun again, but sometimes he also gives me... 

We're pretty boring spouses for each other I guess.


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## SimplyAmorous

MsLonely said:


> The whole interaction bored me. I somehow rather stay alone without being disturbed without his approaching & getting me to give him the massage service on his neck.
> 
> I don't mean I hate to help him with some massage.
> 
> I mean I can't feel his approaching me was exciting & relaxing.
> 
> It's a task for me to take.


Well, it sounds like you had a nice walk & outing anyway. Some connection there. 

So when you give him these massages, does he show any outright enjoyment of them, verbally expressing how good it feels, happy that you are taking the time? I am guessing if you do not enjoy this type of interaction, your greatest love language may NOT be Phyiscal touch. Nor his. We generally like to do what we enjoy getting in reverse. And it somehow even sooths us doing it. 

We can't expect butterflies all the time, this is just unrealistic. Not everthing we do with our spouses is going to be Exicting all the time. But to feel little moments of Joy, thankfulness & contentment throughout your day, whether you are with him or he is at work, feeling good about who you are married too, where you are at in life, this is something that "should" be. Or you can hope to work towards. Baby steps. 

Nothing wrong with you each having your computer time, my husband enjoys his too, a little after work. We both sit in the same room & do our thing. 

I ask people , even my friends to take these tests, cause I am always curious to how different personality types work with one another. If you & he feel like taking the time. Answer these questions & see what you come out, and post you & his 4 letter results. I will give you some links to read about your types. 

This test has more serious questions >>>> The Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-letter Type Indicator Test 

This one is kinda goofy, but amazingly me , husband & son took both the above test AND this one & got the SAME results, so I feel they are accurate (at the end of this one, UNCHECK the box at the end so you will not have to make a profile on this site)

>>> ******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test


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## MsLonely

4 letter result: 

XSTJ

Then the brutal ******* said I'm a backseat driver...LOL

Since my husband did say the same comment, I think I see where my shortcoming is.... 

Thanks for the test! It's brutally honest, but fun!


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## SimplyAmorous

MsLonely said:


> 4 letter result:
> 
> XSTJ


You are inbetween The Extrovert & Introvert personality type- that is what the* X *means. So here is 2 profiles for you to read, a cross between *the Guardian* Portrait of an ESTJ and *The Duty Fullfiller *Portrait of an ISTJ 


And a cross between the "*Do Gooder*" ******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test & what they call the "*Borefest*" on the insulting personality pages 

******* | Take The Brutally Honest Personality Test


Please take no offense by these things, they are often very funny to read, I came out the Do gooder too, my husband was the Push over, my son the Prick. We had a great laugh over Christmas doing these.


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## greenpearl

MsLonely said:


> @ greenpearl,
> 
> You're a very understanding wife who knows when to go to your husband for some fun; when to leave him alone for doing his own things. I'm doing something like you but the problem is I'm bored. So I need to know how you make this daily interaction & routine passionate without getting bored?


At the beginning of our years, we were eager to hop into bed and **** like crazy. 

Then one day I noticed that we were not like that anymore, but everything becomes sweet. We fondle each other, we gaze at each other, we feel each other, it is sweet, I realized that our relationship evolved into love!!!

Our relationship evolved from infatuation to love! 

When you love the person, you just do everything you can to make this person happy! 

I have my own hobby, I read a lot. I look for things to do myself, I chat with people on forums, I kill my time. I like to help people, I don't like to hurt others! I feel happy giving, I don't feel happy taking! 

When we are bored, the problem is ourselves! We have to look for things to do to make us feel fulfilled! 

I don't like to bother my husband, I don't like to go to my husband and tell him I am bored, he will notice it himself when I am bored, he will suggest doing things together so I am occupied, like watching a movie together.................


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## SimplyAmorous

I looked this up just for fun -- My (serious) character & Personality books says that very often a* ESTJ *is attracted to a *ISFP* , claiming another complimentary opposite would be the *INFP* -but these are much rarer in life, and might be a little more than your type bargins for. 

And saying an* ISTJ *is often attracted to a *ESFP *or the *ENFP* personality types. 

It also seems to show an Introvert works best with an Extrovert, I guess cause they compliment each other. 

Now to see what your husband comes up -just for fun. 

When I read my Husbands personality type for the 1st time, It alluminated things that I always KNEW but had no clue how much of an imprint these things had on him deep within. Some of those things I was TRYING TO change, but realized, that is like beating a dead horse. So I had to come to value those things and compliment them as best I could from my end.


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## *EarlyLove*

I have the same issue only in my case my husband thinks i am boring. we been together since we were 16 and married with first child at 18. almost 7yrs together and a second child later. i am still in love with him as he is with me...we are both now 22yrs...i kind of slowed my drinking and partying...seems like he still has an itch to go out and drink and party...but i dont anymore i rather do something simple or hang with the kids...a huge part of the reason is that i do not like to see him drink i feel he acts (highschool) dumb...even my friends notice it and everyone thinks he should slow his drinking...im in love and would hate to lose what we built...HELP!


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## jenniferswe

My husband is boring, too. He is 15 yrs. older than me and works labor intensive job. He doesn't really like to go anywhere except for family events or dinner at local restaurants. He's really wants to get out of debt so he's worried about making money. He works overtime and does odd jobs for neighbors to make money. I think he's just tired.
He's a wonderful husband who cares about others. My 1st husband was the opposite of my husband. I'm glad I'm not going through the hell that I went through with 1st husband.
List what you like about you husband and count your blessings.


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## piggyoink

greenpearl said:


> I have my own hobby, I read a lot. I look for things to do myself, I chat with people on forums, I kill my time. I like to help people, I don't like to hurt others! I feel happy giving, I don't feel happy taking!


Do some 3d jigsaw puzzles together!


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## YinPrincess

I totally get this... My husband is such an extreme creature of routine it's hard to break out of that pattern or have any spontaneity. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia

piggyoink said:


> Do some 3d jigsaw puzzles together!


You know... that actually sounds like a pretty fun idea! Sooo going to give it a try!


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## piggyoink

Gaia said:


> You know... that actually sounds like a pretty fun idea! Sooo going to give it a try!


Something like this glowing building(yes i know its rotated wrong) would be neat.


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## Gaia

piggyoink said:


> Something like this glowing building(yes i know its rotated wrong) would be neat.



(Edit Blasted mouse.. lol umm can't see an image?


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## Gaia

ah hell.. stupid smiley :/


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## piggyoink

Its a glowing model of Taipei 101. There are actually far crazier ones than this. This is considered an 'easy' model.


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## Gaia

omg thats AWESOME!!!


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## piggyoink

Gaia said:


> omg thats AWESOME!!!


and ummmm if you have the right frame of mind, after you complete the tower together, its a giant phallic symbol!!!


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## Gaia

piggyoink said:


> and ummmm if you have the right frame of mind, after you complete the tower together, its a giant phallic symbol!!!


:lol:


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## Liki

greenpearl said:


> My husband and I usually go out on weekends, weekends are usually our dating days, we go to coffee shops, tea houses, fancy restaurants, then we sit down and talk to each other, we discuss what we have read, we discuss human life in general, we listen to each other's opinion!


This made me cry! We used to be like that in our first 3 years, my sweet and I. I miss it so much!

But not anymore for us.

He was working on a project I got him involved in, he fell in love with the work and started spending all of his time on it, I'm talking every waking moment. EVERY WAKING MOMENT. I didn't mind at first, but it started wearing on me after 4 years of this went by and he would do it the moment he rolled out of bed until the moment he rolled back into bed. He loved doing it so much that he would cancel our dates and work on the project instead.

I was like, can we go already? It's not that important to debug that old program of code. And he'd say, "oh just another moment" and I'd stand there from 6 pm for our evening dinner date and wait up until midnight and then just go to bed. Then I'd wake up at 8 am and he'd still be at it murmering to himself obsessing over code with black circles around his eyes.

I had to remind him when it wasn't the weekend anymore, so he at least got some sleep before work. At 6 am I was the one shaking him awake, hugging and kissing and motivating him to get out of bed so he could get to work on time.

It was taking up all of our time together, I had never intended this to happen. It was all about the Project and our time together became more and more precious and rare. So I got online and started poisoning his relationship with his team members. Why? Because I wanted spend time with him, go to the movies, and coffee shops like we had before the project crash landed on our lives together.

Well I succeeded, I drove everyone away, they wouldn't continue with his pet project anymore. They still won't, even after 4 years of me begging them to reconcile. But in those four years I've had with him, it hasn't been peaches and roses like I'd imagined. No. It's been hell.

You see he found out I'd driven everyone away and gotten his project shelved semi-forever. So now he calls me by my new nickname. "Stupid."

And those cafes and restaurants and time with him I thought I'd have? Nope.
Now he spends all his time writing, re-re-re-re-re-re-re writing angry letters to the people who shelved his project. Each day since 4 years ago, he has spent a minimum of 5 hours writing a letter which he has never sent to those responsible for the project trying to get himself reinstated.

Conversations typically go like this now:
"Hey, what do you think about the weather? News 3 said It'll be rain this week."
"Your Stupid for believing what the say. It's bright without a cloud in the sky, wash the towels for beach time it's going to be sunny this week."
It rains all week.
"I told you it was going to be rainy! Your so stupid for washing the towels!"

"Hey what do you think about this new outfit?"
"It actually looks nice on you, it's perfect for someone who should have been aborted at birth."

I could go on, but I think these two examples are sufficient.

I've tried challenging him when he calls me names and stuff, I won't discuss those sad events that followed, but I am now afraid of angering him.

If I could have stayed with him, I surely would have stayed forever. I can only see this decay in our relationship as my fault for getting him involved in the project to begin with, and then trying to separate him from his true love was again my mistake and turned him deeply bitter against me. 

Well it's been 4 years now and he can't bring himself to forgive me for it, and no amount of kisses, love, or sex can bring that about. I don't think he ever will forgive me.

It is my hope that when I have my finances together in the next four years to leave him, that they'll let him rejoin the project that he loved much more than me.


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## KanDo

Liki said:


> This made me cry! We used to be like that in our first 3 years, my sweet and I. I miss it so much!
> 
> But not anymore for us.
> 
> He was working on a project I got him involved in, he fell in love with the work and started spending all of his time on it, I'm talking every waking moment. EVERY WAKING MOMENT. I didn't mind at first, but it started wearing on me after 4 years of this went by and he would do it the moment he rolled out of bed until the moment he rolled back into bed. He loved doing it so much that he would cancel our dates and work on the project instead.
> 
> It was taking up all of our time together, I had never intended this to happen. It was all about the Project and our time together became more and more precious and rare. *So I got online and started poisoning his relationship with his team members. Why? Because I wanted spend time with him, go to the movies, and coffee shops like we had before the project crash landed on our lives together.*
> 
> Well I succeeded, I drove everyone away, they wouldn't continue with his pet project anymore. They still won't, even after 4 years of me begging them to reconcile. But in those four years I've had with him, it hasn't been peaches and roses like I'd imagined. No. It's been hell.
> 
> You see he found out I'd driven everyone away and gotten his project shelved semi-forever. So now he calls me by my new nickname. "Stupid."
> 
> And those cafes and restaurants and time with him I thought I'd have? Nope.
> Now he spends all his time writing, re-re-re-re-re-re-re writing angry letters to the people who shelved his project. Each day since 4 years ago, he has spent a minimum of 5 hours writing a letter which he has never sent to those responsible for the project trying to get himself reinstated.
> 
> .....Well it's been 4 years now and he can't bring himself to forgive me for it, and no amount of kisses, love, or sex can bring that about. I don't think he ever will forgive me.
> 
> It is my hope that when I have my finances together in the next four years to leave him, that they'll let him rejoin the project that he loved much more than me.


Wow. I can't believe the selfish betrayal this represents! It certainly was inappropriate to neglect you; but, to torpedo your husband like this shows a complete disregard for him. I'm not surprised he feels absolutely betrayed. maybe he will never get over it. 

I would be looking at IC and MC for you to find out why you thought this was the way to approach this problem and for help in trying to repair it. Your husband, of course, needs some work as well to get over this project.

It may never work out. Sorry.


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## EleGirl

Liki said:


> This made me cry! We used to be like that in our first 3 years, my sweet and I. I miss it so much!
> 
> But not anymore for us.
> 
> He was working on a project I got him involved in, he fell in love with the work and started spending all of his time on it, I'm talking every waking moment. EVERY WAKING MOMENT. I didn't mind at first, but it started wearing on me after 4 years of this went by and he would do it the moment he rolled out of bed until the moment he rolled back into bed. He loved doing it so much that he would cancel our dates and work on the project instead.
> 
> I was like, can we go already? It's not that important to debug that old program of code. And he'd say, "oh just another moment" and I'd stand there from 6 pm for our evening dinner date and wait up until midnight and then just go to bed. Then I'd wake up at 8 am and he'd still be at it murmering to himself obsessing over code with black circles around his eyes.
> 
> I had to remind him when it wasn't the weekend anymore, so he at least got some sleep before work. At 6 am I was the one shaking him awake, hugging and kissing and motivating him to get out of bed so he could get to work on time.
> 
> It was taking up all of our time together, I had never intended this to happen. It was all about the Project and our time together became more and more precious and rare. So I got online and started poisoning his relationship with his team members. Why? Because I wanted spend time with him, go to the movies, and coffee shops like we had before the project crash landed on our lives together.
> 
> Well I succeeded, I drove everyone away, they wouldn't continue with his pet project anymore. They still won't, even after 4 years of me begging them to reconcile. But in those four years I've had with him, it hasn't been peaches and roses like I'd imagined. No. It's been hell.
> 
> You see he found out I'd driven everyone away and gotten his project shelved semi-forever. So now he calls me by my new nickname. "Stupid."
> 
> And those cafes and restaurants and time with him I thought I'd have? Nope.
> Now he spends all his time writing, re-re-re-re-re-re-re writing angry letters to the people who shelved his project. Each day since 4 years ago, he has spent a minimum of 5 hours writing a letter which he has never sent to those responsible for the project trying to get himself reinstated.
> 
> Conversations typically go like this now:
> "Hey, what do you think about the weather? News 3 said It'll be rain this week."
> "Your Stupid for believing what the say. It's bright without a cloud in the sky, wash the towels for beach time it's going to be sunny this week."
> It rains all week.
> "I told you it was going to be rainy! Your so stupid for washing the towels!"
> 
> "Hey what do you think about this new outfit?"
> "It actually looks nice on you, it's perfect for someone who should have been aborted at birth."
> 
> I could go on, but I think these two examples are sufficient.
> 
> I've tried challenging him when he calls me names and stuff, I won't discuss those sad events that followed, but I am now afraid of angering him.
> 
> If I could have stayed with him, I surely would have stayed forever. I can only see this decay in our relationship as my fault for getting him involved in the project to begin with, and then trying to separate him from his true love was again my mistake and turned him deeply bitter against me.
> 
> Well it's been 4 years now and he can't bring himself to forgive me for it, and no amount of kisses, love, or sex can bring that about. I don't think he ever will forgive me.
> 
> It is my hope that when I have my finances together in the next four years to leave him, that they'll let him rejoin the project that he loved much more than me.


Sounds like you distoryed your husband.


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## 827Aug

This thread is too old folks. Liki, you may want to start your own thread.


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