# Yes she's with someone else! We have a kid. Can i get her back?!



## serj (Sep 2, 2012)

hey, guess i'll lay it out real quick and simple.

my wife and i have been together for about 3 and half years. married for about 11 months. we've had plenty of up and downs. we've "seperated" in the past for short periods of time (before our marriage) but after we finally got married, everything seemed great! things seemed to be rolling along smooth. we have a 2 year old (if that matters for the story...)

anyways, she got a new job a few months back, started talking to a guy, which i was fine with at first, but their convo's got more and more frequent and i started getting uncomfortable, which i of course told her, and which she of course told me i was being ridiculous. i even hacked her emails/myspace/phone or whatever, and things seemed to be fine and relatively innocent at first. but then a few weeks ago, out of nowhere, bam!! she wants to separate and move out and possibly get a divorce. she says "she loves me, but isn't in love with me." and she wants space to find out who she is. and then she'll decide if she wants me or not. and she swore up and down that it had nothing to do with this other guy and that she didn't want to be with anyone. 

well, as to be expected, less than a week after she moved, she was already seeing/sleeping with this other guy (and it hadn't happened prior to our split to my knowledge). i of course begged and pleaded and swore to change and be a better husband/father etc etc. the same thing EVERYONE does in the situation. started doing research online only to discover i was doing the COMPLETE opposite of what i should be doing. 

about 2 weeks after the split, she was for SURE saying we were gonna get divorced with NO chance of ever getting back together, no questions asked, etc etc. so about a week ago (approx. 2 1/2 weeks after our split) i started the no contact, unless she texts/calls me about our kid. and even then, i keep our convo's really brief. not trying to be a jerk, just trying to keep the distance. i also recently started working out and exercising a lot to get myself in shape (the guy she is with is about 7 years older than her, and much more muscular and "manly" than i am, military guy i think). not necessarily to out do this guy (he could probably crush me, lol) but just to feel better about myself and my life and to stop being slugish and feeling depressed.

SOOOOO, the question i am asking is?!?!! how will this play out? do i have a chance? a lot of the stuff i have read/heard on the web has said that it is a definite possibility to get her back (which i want, cause i love her with all my heart and soul) if i do this right. and if not, at least i bettered myself in the process. any tips, tricks, hints, advice (not counting "she's a stupid b**ch, sl*t, wh**e, etc, just forget about it") i've heard that filling for divorce yourself can kinda light a fire under em. and that seeming like you dont care/mind can make them attracted to you. maybe date someone else? how do i know if things are getting back on track? i dont want to jump the gun and be dead wrong, and push her back to square 1. have i already done irreversible damage by begging/pleading the first 2 weeks? also heard that most relationships started out of this crush/adultery thing will fail. is this guy lowering my chances?

any and all help is appreciated. thanks.

-eric


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

File now and don't look back. Don't ask for her back and don't try to get her back. If she wants to be a ***** then let her. You are right that relationships born out of adultery are doomed. They just don't work out. But let her figure that out the hard way. File now, have papers sent to her, and don't answer when she texts or calls. Even if she begs, don't give her anything. 

If you really, really want to get her back, this is the way to do it. I promise you. This woman thinks that she owns you. You need to break that misconception, which unfortunately means you need to break her. When she comes to you on her knees, then it's time to talk, and not a moment before. 

And if that moment never comes, forget her. Don't let her sleep around and think that you'll be waiting for her. Work out for YOU, not her. Work out for YOU, and whatever lucky girl you're going to eventually meet. Because I'm not trying to be mean, but your wife is a friggin' cake eater.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

At this point in time, you can't do anything---she is caught up under her lover's "spell", and wants him, you,---she has you on the back-burner

If you are bound and determined to R., no matter what---just leave her alone, and see where it all goes---her lover may not prove out that the grass is greener, he actually may prove to her that the grass ended up a dirty shade of brown

97% of all adulterous hook-ups fail---that is a solid statistic---so it really is up to you, as to what you want

Do not do nothing as you wait---get yourself involved in hobbies, keep working out---be a good father, and just prepare yourself, for the possibility, that you may have to move on---on your own.

Go to google on your computer, and bring up the FAMILY CODES, for the state you live in---and read that whole section of law, so you will be versed on what your rights are if she does take this to D.

Just take care of yourself, and for now keep her at arm's length, and stay civil, there really not much else you can do.


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## serj (Sep 2, 2012)

thanks for the quick responses. i know there isn't really anything i can DO to make this happen quicker, or happen at all. just nice to know that i'm kind of on the right path at least and have the right mind set. just feels weird for now. i mean, i feel really great, and i kind of had an epiphany moment which brought about this change in me that said i wasn't going to beg and tell her i love her everyday, anymore. just still feels like i'm acting sometimes. 

i plan on going to the courts soon to file and have her served the papers. in my state, it is nearly impossible for men to get custody from the mothers unless there is abuse/neglect/drug use/etc (which there isn't) cause she's a really great mom to tell the truth. 

i know i've lost my "man-stance" which is probably why she lost her attraction for me and this older, stronger guy seemed like such a great option. i want to get that back. like you said, if not for her, than at least for the next lucky girl.


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## serj (Sep 2, 2012)

another thing i forget to mention is, she has basically cut everyone out of her life that is opposing her decision. that includes her family, my family, and most of her friends. i'm pretty sure the only friends she kept were either ones who supported it (ignorant bit**es) or ones who could care less. if she eventually decides she wants to be with me, i'm sure these few people will try and talk her out of it and block her/me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your so called wife, is NOT a good mom---a good mom, would never put her own flesh and blood children thru the difficulties, of split homes, and all that goes with D

As to her lover---stop putting him on a pedistal---everyone is built differently, and physically we are not the same---he may be well built, he may also be muscle bound and worthless in a fight----so stop building him up----he also may have a giant ego, and be controlling, and somewhere along the line, your so-called wife, may just find out, he is a POS, and she screwed up big time

Just prepare yourself, for a future w/out her, and you do what is necessary, to make your one and only trip thru life on this planet, a good/happy/contented life.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are only married 11 months and your wife left you for another guy, why you want her back? Cant you find some one who will respect and love you? What is wrong with your self respect, self esteem and pride? 

Dont remain as a cuckold or doormat. she may be thinking she bang some guy and come back to you as she wish. Dont remain as her fall back guy, that it self is disrespectful to yourself.

She don't give a **** about you, she don't have any respect for you, she don't have any love for you, she don't care what you think or feels, still you are fighting/wanting to be with her make it look odd.

He may be muscular, he may be the guy she wanted to live her life with, he may be Mr. perfect, you cant do anything.

Its time for you to move on with your child, file for divorce Pray to god she never contest it. If you take her back she will leave you again, again and again for OM 2, 3, 4, 5.................... When ever she finds some one more attractive than you.

Dont say that she is a great Mom, she is not, no great mom will leave their children for OMs dik.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Dont waste your time with this "women". There are plenty of other women out there who can make you happy. Get a divorce. Stay out of contact and don't weaken your resolve.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

She's falling for the guy because he's new, you can't compete with new. The more efforts you'll put in begging her, the more sure she'll be about her decision. Why would you beg her if you didn't want her more than she wanted you ? That's her logic of reasoning. It may be her true colours, it may be a fog, but the thing is, you'll only push her towards the other man if you keep acting like you did when she moved out.

The other man isn't selfish by begging her, he understands her and make her happy.
The other man is so loving and understanding and intelligent, you're caught up leeching in her dreams and happiness.
You just can't compete because you're already declared the loser. You're the one that can only lose her, he's the one that nods to the lame **** she tells.

But get this, no one can genuinely take another spouse's life and partner and be really thoughtful, considerate and intelligent. No one.
So, just when she'll get the final divorced and get stuck with him, he'll get tired after the thrill of getting caught is gone. And he won't be this angel that came to rescue her anymore.
If she spoke **** about you, he'll start doubting her and wondering if she did the same to him.

When my wife started to make my life a living hell, a lot of members in this forum told me that she's done the best thing to me. I didn't understand nor believed, but now less than two days after her last heart stab, I can see it. Your wife gave you a lifetime certificate that you're a good husband, a true lover and a good person.
Don't worry about yourself, keep the 180 going, and exercise more and more as someone cleverly put it.

The more your body aches, the more your mind will feel better and stop making you feel scared about the future.

People that posted before me may seem harsh and offensive but it's their way to help you, and it's a great way. But just in case you're not receptive to tough love, know that we're here for you and we'll help you get moving past her.

Few strangers ached for you more than the woman that you fathered her children, this HAS to tell you how much thoughtful your wife is.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

serj said:


> another thing i forget to mention is, *she has basically cut everyone out of her life that is opposing her decision. that includes her family, my family, and most of her friends*. i'm pretty sure the only friends she kept were either ones who supported it (ignorant bit**es) or ones who could care less. if she eventually decides she wants to be with me, i'm sure these few people will try and talk her out of it and block her/me.


She won't come back to you until the affair is over.

The typical advice for ending an ongoing affair is exposure to those who can influence it, and forcing "reality" into the "fantasy" of the affair by making the cheaters see what life would really be like if you divorced.

It seems that you've already exposed to your and her families and friends. If not, do so. Don't tell your wife you are doing this. Make a brief call to each person who is close enough to your wife to wield some influence, tell them she is cheating on you, with whom, and that you would like their support in saving your marriage.

Find out as much as you can about the other man. Does he have a wife/girlfriend? If so, expose the affair to her. Does he have family/friends? Expose the affair to them. Is he in the military? If so, expose the affair to them.

Did your wife move in with the other man? If not, what are her living arrangements? Who pays her bills, her phone, her internet access, her rent, her car payment, her car insurance, etc.? If it's you, stop paying. Let her pay her own way. That's part of giving her a dose of reality. 

Who has your child? Is the child around other man? If so, even more reason to find out all you can about him.

Keep your dealings with your wife to issues about the kid. Maintain a confident, calm demeanor in front of your wife, like you know you will be fine without her. Do not cry, plead, or beg. File for divorce and have her served. Show her you won't be there for her, let her fear losing you. She is more likely to continue the affair if she knows she has you as a backup plan if things don't work out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry to hear this has happened.

Who has your child?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

serj said:


> anyways, she got a new job a few months back, started talking to a guy, which i was fine with at first,


Is this guy a co-worker? If so, also try exposing the affair to human resources and the president/ceo/owner of the company. Tell them you are considering suing the company for alienation of your wife's affections by providing a work environment that is conducive to infidelity and adulterous affairs and hostile to families. Tell them the affair began on the job and continues on the job and that apparently from what you see the company is nothing but one big infidelity enabler. Put this in a letter. It doesn't matter if you have a legal leg to stand on. This company is not going to want to have to defend itself against a possible lawsuit, even if it's baseless, because two of their employees can't keep it in their pants, and they are not going to want any possible negative publicity that the filing of such a suit would bring, even if baseless. When the affair starts negatively influencing other man's livelihood, he will be more likely to end the affair, especially if he's just in it for sex. It helps your wife to see him for what he is, not the fantasy she believes.

Also, when you expose (to other man's wife, to your/her family and friends, to their employer), and your wife confronts you afterward, do not argue with her about it. Stay calm, cool, and confident and simply tell her that you are fighting for her and fighting for your family and fighting for your marriage.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP

I have said this before in other threads and it bears repeating here.

If you get advice such as above from Will Kane of from Shaggy


* LISTEN TO THEM*


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your doing good stay on track with the distance and indifference.

Right now you can't get at her the Om has the control, but you can get at OM and if he is infact currently military find out what you can about this guy and expose tha affair to his CO. The OM may even have another GF or even a wife. expose the A to them. If you can I suggest you find out every thing you can about OM and try exposing the Affair tohis side of the family.

Do a back round check on this guy. I mena the last thing you want is some sick pediphile around your kid.

So my point is do the foot work to learn about your enemy and make the affair as inconvienent as possible. Contacting thier employer and exposing the affair may help...if infact the Om is a coworker.

Once you get the goods on OM come back here and the folks her can tell you the best way to expose this affair to the OM side.

In fact there may be a way to gat at OM if you have enough of the goods on this guy...he may break it off with your wife ....the prize is not worth the hassel....kind of thing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not even talk to your wife about the plan to make this affair inconvienent. You will find out soon enough when she gets mad and lights up your phone. When that happens, then you know you are for sure making the affair inconvienent and uncomfortable.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Has she been cut off finacially? That is a most right now...a taste of things to come, a consequence if you will.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Dump her and don't look back.
She's already given away the only thing of value that she had to offer you so why would you want her?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In addition to dumping her, DO EXPOSE the affair to the HR at her work.


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