# picking a lawyer and talking with ex



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

How did you decide what lawyer to meet with when you started your divorce process? Cost? Friendliness? Location? Some other criteria I'm not aware of that would help me decide? I've been very nonchalant about starting this process... guess thought my soon to be ex husband would take the reigns (more on that in a minute) but it's time I get this started. I thought I had a lawyer that I felt I wanted, but that fell through. Never officially met with them...

Anyways, I called around just inquiring about consultation fees at multiple law offices. They ranged from $60 all the way up to $250. I don't even know who to pick!!! Do I go with the cheapest one? I have to be careful with my money... The kicker though, the one that was the most expensive at $250 was also the friendliest to me on the phone and assuring me that even though other places may be cheaper or free, that here I'd get a guaranteed hour and half blah blah blah they just seemed to most friendly and helpful even though I was only inquiring. So do I choose them?! $250 is a lot for a consultation though 

What would you do? Or how did you pick? Any tips on how I can decide? 

Other thing... my stbxh has been very hands off about this, at least the actual divorce part. We had had a discussion about a month and a half back, and I honestly can't even remember who started it or how it came about because we barely speak... and basically we both said we want this to be as amicable as possible (I still don't fully trust him), I should move out by this time frame, a lot of language that made it clear we were no longer going to be together and moving on... but no talk about meeting with lawyers or filing. At all. I'm very cautious about having to speak to him because of safety issues... but do I need to have some sort of discussion with him about who will file? Or should I just go meet with a lawyer regardless... I just know that that will lead to a subpoena of documents that I don't have access to... don't know if my stbxh would expect that at this point or feel blindsided. Honestly I think the only reason he hasn't filed is he wants to be able to tell people that his wife divorced him... sigh.

But right now I am living elsewhere for a temporary work assignment, but will be moving back to the home we both own. I am still financially tied to him in many ways... I am afraid to be the one to rock the boat with starting the divorce process, but at the same time he is on board with no longer being together, living together etc. Should I talk with him again first about it, or just go ahead and do it?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Can't really help with the attorney thing. The first time I did it, I posted a question on our local freecycle group, asking for recommendations. Got a great one. This time around (splitting up again after reconciliation, never remarried) I just had a one hour meeting with my sister's attorney since we drew up our own agreement and I just wanted advice. He charged me $100, which has half price since he was pretty late to the meeting and he really likes my sister and her husband. He simply asked me to refer him to other people.

I think a brief heads-up kind of text to your H is all that is necessary. You know him best, though.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hmmm I don't know about texting... maybe! I was thinking more of a "what was your plan for the actual divorce part?" type of conversation rather than "I'm meeting with a lawyer today." I just don't understand where he head is at for all that. It's confusing. Like surely he has a plan in mind regarding that... right?

Haven't lived here long enough to know enough people to have someone to recommend a lawyer... I literally just googled divorce lawyers and called around to them. So I'm not sure how I should be narrowing down... if I should just go with the cheapest or what.

Anybody else have advice


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Go online in your area and check out family attorneys! Most will give you the courtesy of an initial consultation. When you get it, make sure that you have all of your "hardball" questions lined up. And ask them ~ don't be shy and don't be afraid to hurt their feelings either!

If you have a group that offers free consultations, please book several interviews, because you really need to get a preeminent feel about which attorney is going to work in your very best interest!

If your financial situation has much to be desired, please be honest and forthright, telling them right up front! Some ethical attorney's or their firms will try to help their more indigent clients out, while others will quite often just show you the door if you don't already have the necessary funds to play. Request that they do only the bare legal essentials and offer to help them with any leg work, investigation, or delivery for them!

But more importantly, find an attorney who is the right fit for you, and who you are most comfortable working with. Make sure that you can trust them!*


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

For an attorney if you know anyone who has gotten divorced you could ask about there lawyers and get a feel that way. Much of the hiring for a lawyer comes down to finding someone you feel comfortable working with.

Be wary of one that makes all sorts of boasts of "taking spouse to cleaners". The blood and guts lawyer tends to run up big bills. 

Take some time to learn the divorce laws in your state. A little working knowledge yourself will go a long way in helping to select a lawyer and what questions to ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

But how can I know I am comfortable with them and trust them without meeting them, and therefore paying them? That's what I'm struggling with right now... all of the lawyers had a fee for the initial consultation meeting. I can't afford to pay and see all of them, so how do I know who to choose FIRST without really having much to go off of other than cost? Should I start with seeing the one with the cheapest consultation fee first? Or what? I'm so lost on what to do.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

and any advice about the second part of my thread? Should I be offering to see a lawyer together since he agrees we should divorce?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Adeline said:


> How did you decide what lawyer to meet with when you started your divorce process? Cost? Friendliness? Location? Some other criteria I'm not aware of that would help me decide? I've been very nonchalant about starting this process... guess thought my soon to be ex husband would take the reigns (more on that in a minute) but it's time I get this started. I thought I had a lawyer that I felt I wanted, but that fell through. Never officially met with them...
> 
> Anyways, I called around just inquiring about consultation fees at multiple law offices. They ranged from $60 all the way up to $250. I don't even know who to pick!!! Do I go with the cheapest one? I have to be careful with my money... The kicker though, the one that was the most expensive at $250 was also the friendliest to me on the phone and assuring me that even though other places may be cheaper or free, that here I'd get a guaranteed hour and half blah blah blah they just seemed to most friendly and helpful even though I was only inquiring. So do I choose them?! $250 is a lot for a consultation though
> 
> ...


I am about three weeks ahead of you. Here is how I chose my lawyer:


I looked at the reviews in my area on Avvo.com - Legal. Easier..

I Looked for experience. At least 10 years but preferably 20+ years.

I eliminated large law firms because they put junior lawyers in front of you and you might never even tap into mature experience until things have already gone south.

If there was a review that complained about the lawyer not being responsive or not being prepared or missing filing dates, I rejected them off hand. The worst thing you can have in a lawyer is incompetence, even just a little.

The lawyer I did choose had a bad review. The customer was complaining that the lawyer would not "just do what I say" and that he had his "own opinions". A good lawyer maintains their credibility in the legal social circles by avoiding unreasonable positions. Find a lawyer that is willing to push back on you being stupid and not just take your money for more useless litigation. So I found his "bad review" actually said something good about him.

It is fine to pay for initial consult, but be prepared with good information and good questions going into the meeting so you get the most out of it. Most attorneys will want thousands of dollars in retainer fees to go any further beyond the initial consult, so make good use of it.

If you can manage a uncontested divorce and still get what you need, your legal fees will be less, but that does not work in every state.


Good Luck


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I am about three weeks ahead of you. Here is how I chose my lawyer:
> 
> 
> I looked at the reviews in my area on Avvo.com - Legal. Easier..
> ...


Thank you!!! But ah shoot... just like what normally happens living in a small town, when I narrowed it down to "family law" lawyers on that site there was only one lawyer who had a review, and it was one sole client review  The rest had no reviews. That's SUPER frustrating for me... :banghead:

That is good advice about the years of experience, which I saw is listed on that site you gave. There were a couple with 15 plus years. The one that I mentioned earlier with the $250 initial consultation fee has over 30 years experience, so that's good I suppose...

BUT I also found a place that gives FREE consultations, and the family law dude had 30 years experience as well. So should I go with the free place first, since I really have nothing to lose?! Yes? No? I need a confident push in the right direction 

and yeah, I'm really trying to go for a no fault divorce. 

Do I need to have a conversation with stbxh about filing?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Adeline said:


> Thank you!!! But ah shoot... just like what normally happens living in a small town, when I narrowed it down to "family law" lawyers on that site there was only one lawyer who had a review, and it was one sole client review  The rest had no reviews. That's SUPER frustrating for me... :banghead:
> 
> That is good advice about the years of experience, which I saw is listed on that site you gave. There were a couple with 15 plus years. The one that I mentioned earlier with the $250 initial consultation fee has over 30 years experience, so that's good I suppose...
> 
> ...


Free- well you get what you pay for. I did a free consult once before we tried R for a year and it was kind of a waste of time. Free was limited to 30 min and then you need a retainer. The lawyer really did not put anything into the meeting other to stage me as a customer but it did not help that I was still an emotional wreck and did not prepare well. But you might as well start with this one as you can always go to another if you don't like the feel of the free one or have better questions later.

This time I paid $150 and I got 90 solid minutes of deep legal discussion and strategy. I too am going for an uncontested divorce that we agree on, rather than put it through the courts, so I had a lot to talk about and it was very helpful. If I have to go to court to fight, the process gave me a lot of confidence that I have the right person to do that.

My prep work was in defining our assets, collecting information relevant to my State's laws and walking through in my head how all the details would play out.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Adeline said:


> Do I need to have a conversation with stbxh about filing?


Depends on the State, but if you are going to for an uncontested divorce, surprising them with a Process Server might not help that. 
If he knows the marriage is over, yes, talk to him bout it and even try to get him to agree on a settlement. You can then take that into a lawyer.

If he does not know you have decided on divorce, then you have to think about what telling him might push him to do with your shared assets and liabilities. These are good questions for your initial consultation.


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