# Out all night



## Queenbee79 (Feb 14, 2018)

So my husband was out all night. We are going thru a separation and he has admitted he cheated on me. Well this sob was out all morning and night with his whatever she is. Instead of being with our children he chose to be with her. This morning he is just sitting in the couch as if everything is alright. I swear I wanted to yell at him and hurt him the way he is hurting us. We’ve been together for going on 9 years this April married almost 7. Never have I ever gone outside of our marriage. I’ve been unhappy for quite some time now, but I chose to stay for the kids. He is not a very loving or talkative person, but it has gotten worse within the last 3 years. It’s really gotten worse this last year. 

I don’t understand what’s going thru his head right now. The first of the year he said he is seeing what his actions are doing to our family and he wants to be better. Then about 3 weeks ago he just up and said I want you all out. Just like that he is ready for us to leave. I’m not ready to go and I know is sound so stupid, but I just want to make things work. I know it probably won’t, but I have that little hope in me still. 

Next week I’m going to see a lawyer. That scares the crap outta me. I never thought I’d be going thru this mess. I took those vows seriously. I love my husband. I just hate the person he has become. He is so cold and mean. His words are very hurtful. These are thru text because he doesn’t even talk to me like I did something wrong. 

I’m just hoping for better days.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You’re only sticking it out for the kids which makes him detached. And you’re separated so what if he goes out. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants to divorce. He wants you to do it, not him.

Take advantage of this, get the jump, and get the best deal for yourself that you can.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Queenbee79 said:


> So my husband was out all night. We are going thru a separation and he has admitted he cheated on me. *Well this sob was out all morning and night with his whatever she is. Instead of being with our children he chose to be with her. This morning he is just sitting in the couch as if everything is alright.* I swear I wanted to yell at him and hurt him the way he is hurting us. We’ve been together for going on 9 years this April married almost 7. Never have I ever gone outside of our marriage. *I’ve been unhappy for quite some time now, but I chose to stay for the kids.* He is not a very loving or talkative person, but it has gotten worse within the last 3 years. It’s really gotten worse this last year.
> 
> Did he skip out on watching the kids during that time? Did you two have an agreement that the other person would be responsible for the kids during the time he went out? If that is the case, then you should be focusing on the fact that he did not stick to the agreement, not who he chose to spend his time with. Some people believe it is ok to see others once there's an understanding that there is a separation leading into a divorce.
> 
> ...


It's not clear why you want to stay with this kind of person:

He is so cold and mean.
His words are very hurtful.
He is not a very loving or talkative person, but it has gotten worse within the last 3 years. It’s really gotten worse this last year. 

Especially since you admit that: I’ve been unhappy for quite some time.

What hurts the most OP, the fact that he's ready to call it quits? The fact that he cheated?

Were you really going to be satisfied staying in a marriage with your husband despite being unhappy for quite some time? 

What about your children OP? What effect do you thinking being in an environment where both parents are clearly unhappy could have on them? 

Talking/Writing can be incredibly helpful during a stressful period like what you're going through. So please feel free to vent in this thread when you feel the need.


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## Queenbee79 (Feb 14, 2018)

I understand what you are saying. I know I won’t be happy. It’s just a big adjustment and I’m feeling very overwhelmed. This is my first marriage and surely never saw this happening. I know it happens all the time but I took pride in my marriage. I’ve never seen this side of him. It just sucks and reality is hitting square in the face and it hurts. 

My kids seem to be ok. I try not to cry in front of them or anything like that. I had to tell them on my own what’s going on. It hurt like hell but I got thru it. I know it’s better for all of us if we are apart but like I said it just sucks. 

I need to vent that’s why I found this site by luck. It’s easier to tell strangers what’s going on in my head then it is to tell ppl I know.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Queenbee79 said:


> I don’t understand what’s going thru his head right now. The first of the year he said he is seeing what his actions are doing to our family and he wants to be better. Then about 3 weeks ago he just up and said I want you all out. Just like that he is ready for us to leave. I’m not ready to go and I know is sound so stupid, but I just want to make things work. I know it probably won’t, but I have that little hope in me still.
> 
> Next week I’m going to see a lawyer. That scares the crap outta me. I never thought I’d be going thru this mess. I took those vows seriously. I love my husband. I just hate the person he has become. He is so cold and mean. His words are very hurtful. These are thru text because he doesn’t even talk to me like I did something wrong.
> 
> I’m just hoping for better days.


Queenbee, 

If he doesn't want to be in the same house as you and the children that you share ... then he should move out. Why on earth does he think that you should all be the ones to move out?
Things will get 100% better once he is no longer in your life on a daily basis. 
You don't actually want him around ... you want the him you hoped he could be. And that person doesn't exist.

Sharing the reality of our crappy marriages with the people who care about us is hard. But you'll find that it gets easier and easier as you realise that no-one has a perfect marriage ... and your husband's behaviour and choices? Those are not on you. He is a separate person, separately screwing up his life who you need to distance yourself from.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Queenbee79 said:


> I understand what you are saying. I know I won’t be happy. It’s just a big adjustment and I’m feeling very overwhelmed.


I was in your boat when my wife cheated, so I understand the feeling. It disrupts your life big time. However you need to woman up, bite the bullet, etc and just get it done. After the dirt-bag is out of your life, things will start to improve.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I'm very sorry for your situation. This has got to be the most hurtful thing anybody can experience. 

At this point you know it's over, so what to do.

First and foremost, adjust your thinking. You gave yourself the moniker Queenbee. You need to take that to heart. Protect yourself. Protect your hive. You need to become the master of this situation. As much as you never thought you'd be in this situation, it's here and you need to control it from this point forward. Don't visit the lawyer reluctantly, but as positive part of a comprehensive plan for your better future. Set aside the hurt and shame and become all business. You have a goal to reach and all your Queenbee strength needs to be focused on working toward your best possible outcome. Engage the lawyer, use him to your advantage, reveal nothing to the man who has now proven he is your adversary rather than your husband. Concede nothing other than what is necessary to achieve your best possible outcome. 

Do so with your head high and your dignity intact and on display at all times. Set a strong example for your kids. It may be unbearably difficult at times, so build and reinforce your support system. Seek out and lean on whatever family and friends will strengthen you (not just parrot what you want to hear, but those who are a friend to your better future).


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Queenbee79 said:


> I need to vent that’s why I found this site by luck. It’s easier to tell strangers what’s going on in my head then it is to tell ppl I know.


In-house separations can be one of the most painful situations to be in and it's impossible to begin the healing process. Maybe you can have a bit of comfort knowing that you have already survived perhaps the cruelest night: "Valentine's Day and your spouse is out all night with some other female". I hope your divorce can go through smoothly so that you can begin healing and eventually find happiness again.


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## Queenbee79 (Feb 14, 2018)

Mizzbak you are so right. I’m holding on to the man I fell in love with. I was just hoping there was some sort of something to make things better, but in reality there isn’t. I’m just here going threw my days like a zombie. Nothing feels right anymore but my kids. I love them to pieces and they keep me going. I think he wants us out because this is his house. He had it before we got together. I don’t wanna fight with him. Im telling you he doesn’t even talk to me. It’s like I’m the one who messed up. I just don’t understand what he is thinking. I have some many questions and I know I will never get the answers to them.


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## Queenbee79 (Feb 14, 2018)

Thank you Steve. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out. I just can’t believe he is putting us thru this. It hurts like hell, and it is hard to be in the same house. He just comes in to drink his damn coffee in the morning. He’s been staying in the office we have in our garage. I just want to feel better again. Normal again. I’m trying to see the light at the end of this crazy tunnel but I can’t. I know one day things will be ok but the now sucks bad....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Queenbee79 said:


> It’s just a big adjustment and I’m feeling very overwhelmed.


How do you eat a bear? One bite at a time. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I think of that and begin to plan. I make a list of everything that needs to be done, prioritize in order of importance/necessity, and begin to handle business one step at a time.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Queenbee79 said:


> I think he wants us out because this is his house. He had it before we got together. I don’t wanna fight with him. Im telling you he doesn’t even talk to me. It’s like I’m the one who messed up. I just don’t understand what he is thinking. I have some many questions and I know I will never get the answers to them.


Queenbee,
Sweetheart - it sounds as though you're going to need to fight with him - whether you want to or not. Simply for the sake of your children. A "father" who is insisting that his wife and children move out of his house because he just doesn't want them around anymore has a very loose hold on reality and morality. At a time like this, he should be thinking about his kids - and trying to keep their best interests at heart in spite of the difficult circumstances. From what you've said, he thinks he can just wipe the slate clean of all of you. I'm pretty sure that the law will support you in this whether this was his house or not. For heaven's sake, don't agree to anything until you've spoken to a lawyer. 

I found this article very useful - Divorce: I’m Living in a Pre-Marital Home- Now What?. Especially the part about the needs of the custodial parent(in one of the brown boxes).


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Queenbee79 said:


> Thank you Steve. I’m sitting here crying my eyes out. I just can’t believe he is putting us thru this. It hurts like hell, and it is hard to be in the same house. He just comes in to drink his damn coffee in the morning. He’s been staying in the office we have in our garage. I just want to feel better again. Normal again. I’m trying to see the light at the end of this crazy tunnel but I can’t. I know one day things will be ok but the now sucks bad....


Get him his own damn coffeemaker for the office so you don't have to see his ugly mug in the morning.

But seriously (though you SHOULD get him his own coffeemaker so you don't have to see him)... 



Queenbee79 said:


> I understand what you are saying. I know I won’t be happy. It’s just a big adjustment and I’m feeling very overwhelmed. This is my first marriage and surely never saw this happening. I know it happens all the time but I took pride in my marriage. I’ve never seen this side of him. It just sucks and reality is hitting square in the face and it hurts.
> 
> My kids seem to be ok. I try not to cry in front of them or anything like that. I had to tell them on my own what’s going on. It hurt like hell but I got thru it. I know it’s better for all of us if we are apart but like I said it just sucks.
> 
> I need to vent that’s why I found this site by luck. It’s easier to tell strangers what’s going on in my head then it is to tell ppl I know.


No one ever sees this happening when they get married. You need to forgive yourself for this, I think you may be too hard on yourself. Just take things one step at a time. First step: See a lawyer ASAP, the best one you can find. It's in your best interest to educate yourself on your rights, and to find out what the possible outcomes of this situation. I think this will help ease your anxiety; knowledge is power. The lawyer will advise you on the next steps. Also, seeing a lawyer and being the first to file will put you in an advantageous position and hopefully give you the upper hand.

Do NOT let your H know of your plans, and do NOT let him know that you are seeing a lawyer. As far as he is concerned, maintain the status quo. Maintain the element of surprise until you are ready.

This site is a great place. I found it when my marriage was in the death throes, and found the people here immensely helpful as I went through my separation and divorce. Keep posting, and the people here will help you as much as they can.

What is your IRL support network like? Do you have friends or family who can support you in real time? Having IRL support can really make the difference. It's difficult to "come out" to friends and family, and not everyone is as supportive as you might hope... but telling people will help you to identify who will and won't be supportive. People who have been through divorce themselves are the best with this. My mother (who has never been divorced) wasn't helpful, but my one of my aunts and two of my uncles who HAVE been divorced were wonderful. For right now, I would recommend only confiding people who 1) will "side" with you but can also offer an objective opinion, and 2) are very discrete (you don't want your problems becoming gossip fodder).



Queenbee79 said:


> Mizzbak you are so right. I’m holding on to the man I fell in love with. I was just hoping there was some sort of something to make things better, but in reality there isn’t. I’m just here going threw my days like a zombie. Nothing feels right anymore but my kids. I love them to pieces and they keep me going. I think he wants us out because this is his house. He had it before we got together. I don’t wanna fight with him. Im telling you he doesn’t even talk to me. It’s like I’m the one who messed up. I just don’t understand what he is thinking. I have some many questions and I know I will never get the answers to them.


He may have had it before the two of you were together, but it's still your home and he can't just throw you out. Has your income been going towards paying the mortgage or upkeep? Then your lawyer may advise you that the house becomes marital property. Don't move out until/unless you consult with a lawyer.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

BTW, it's pretty crappy that he would want to throw his own kids out of the house. He's a piece of work.

I wouldn't count on him being involved as a co-parent after divorce.


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## Queenbee79 (Feb 14, 2018)

Thanks for all the advice y’all. I’m keeping quiet on the lawyer part. I see her next Thursday. I am a stay at home mom so I haven’t worked in almost 9 years. He never gave me money from income taxes or anything like that. He is very well off. When I met him I had no idea his company was as good as it is. I thought it was just a little thing he did. To get money out of him was like pulling teeth!! No lie. He paid for all the bills. He did everything for us. Now do you see why it’s scary for me. I know I can do it. 

Yes I’m am totally hard on myself. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I’ve failed my kids and myself. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help but feel like it is. 

I do have support of my parents and a few close friends. Friends from my childhood but I just hate putting all this on them. I’m just ready to get the the lawyer and see what my options are. I wasn’t ready to take the step towards divorce, but the way things are looking that’s what I’m gonna have to do. Like I said I haven’t and will it tell him anything about this. I mean he doesn’t even talk to me. If he has something to tell me he goes to my dad and my dad tells me. Like what is that about. 

Once again thank you all for all the words of advice!! I really appreciate it


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Queenbee79 said:


> Thanks for all the advice y’all. I’m keeping quiet on the lawyer part. I see her next Thursday. I am a stay at home mom so I haven’t worked in almost 9 years. He never gave me money from income taxes or anything like that. He is very well off. When I met him I had no idea his company was as good as it is. I thought it was just a little thing he did. To get money out of him was like pulling teeth!! No lie. He paid for all the bills. He did everything for us. Now do you see why it’s scary for me. I know I can do it.
> 
> Yes I’m am totally hard on myself. I feel like it’s my fault. Like I’ve failed my kids and myself. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help but feel like it is.
> 
> ...


QB, do not be afraid to burden your inner-circle, you will probably be shocked at how supportive they are and how much they want to help. True family and friends will be all in to help you get to a better place and be with you to get to the other side. Also do not get discouraged those that you thought would be there for you because of what he did, I know you said the losers that you thought were friends pledged allegiance to him but you will also find people in the middle that will support both side because they don't want to get too deep into. Like I said earlier though, your close inner circle will not be burdened by this they will most likely be energized and ready to go to war with and for you.

I know the feeling of self doubt and failure. My wife made the conscious decision to cheat and even though we are in the process of divorce, she still feels the need to lie about so much, to blame-shift, etc. I consider myself a strong person and kind of because of that I felt I failed because I should have been able to overcome and 'protect' my wife but the more that I went on the more I realized, the truly rotten person in this ... is the person you entrusted your life to, through sickness and health. Sure the other man/woman is a loser, low life, etc but they have no skin in our game, it's our spouses that failed in more ways than one sadly and as much as we would like to 'fix' them, we cannot.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> How do you eat a bear? One bite at a time. Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I think of that and begin to plan. I make a list of everything that needs to be done, prioritize in order of importance/necessity, and begin to handle business one step at a time.


This.

And in addition to this being the only way to work toward the best possible outcome, diligently following the process will keep your mind off the underlying pain and give you a very important sense of purpose.


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