# Doubts About Marriage



## lmatthew

Hello,

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and recently proposed but have been having doubts. I met her 3 years ago and we started sleeping together quickly, then a year later moved in together which I later regretted when I converted to Christianity.

My conversion was a huge point of contention at first. Once I converted I told her I couldn’t have sex anymore and didn’t think it was appropriate to live together until we were married. She took that hard but we stuck through it. About a year after that I started enforcing boundaries to avoid having sex, such as putting limits on how much we made out. This was too much for her and we broke up.

A few months went by and we got back together when a mutual friend came into town and I ended up kissing her. Everything was fine for a while - we were going to church together, spending time with one another, she respected my boundaries - but she decided she wanted to move to another state to be with her family. I realized that was fair but wasn’t sure if I was willing to move without being sure we were serious about each other. So I planned a proposal for months in secret to surprise her. In her view she was worried I wasn’t going to move with her due to my reservations and she started putting up walls in what she thought would be an eventual break up. I thought if she would say yes to the proposal I would have the assurance to move to a new city with her, then we can figure out our reservations in time with one another there.

When I proposed she was shocked and said we had to talk about this, which devastated me. That night I went home alone and the next day we agreed we shouldn’t see each other anymore.

The day after I realized she never gave me a yes or no answer so I gave her a day to think about the proposal, since it was a complete surprise that caught her off guard.

The day after we talked in person and she said yes, but we need to go to counseling. I agreed and also wanted reassurance about her faith, which has always been behind mine but she always said she believes in God and goes to church with me every Sunday. So I asked her if she was still willing to get baptized in her home state with her family (she mentioned she’d be willing before) and she said yes. My main concern is that I don’t want her to be getting baptized for me. Also given the nature of the proposal I’m still having doubts about moving to a new city with her, which she wants to do asap.

I’m wondering if I’m seeing this clearly and if this is worth going through with given all the doubts and non linear nature of the relationship. Is this a lost cause or are these obstacles things that can be overcome?

Thanks for your help.


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## *Deidre*

Maybe you should wait and see how her faith blossoms...and if she is following the teachings of Christianity because she wants to, not just to marry you. That takes times. If it's a dealbreaker for you, then you should probably wait to see how her faith walk goes, and not make rash decisions, like moving to a new city, etc...

I'm confused on one point though, who is the mutual friend that you kissed? Is that your gf, now? Sorry, not sure if you're talking about two different people, or if the mutual friend you kissed turned into a relationship.


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## TexasMom1216

My inclination would be for you to find a new woman in your church that is already entrenched in your faith, rather than trying to convince your ex to change herself into the woman you want her to be. People only change if they want to change, you can't change them. She may one day follow your faith, but today she sounds a bit reluctant. I would let her go and move on with your life within your church. If it's meant to be, it will be, but in the meantime you could be wasting your time and hers waiting for her to change into something new.


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## BigDaddyNY

I'm not so sure this marriage is meant to be. You made a very abrupt and sudden change to the dynamics of the relationship. I actually think what you did is rather cruel and unfair to her. You went from living together in a sexual relationship to limiting how much you can kiss. When you broke up at that time you never should have gotten back together.

You seem to be on a different wavelength with regard to religion now and that will likely be a major source of friction moving forward, as it already has been. The fact she didn't give a resounding yes to your proposal and a conditional yes the next day means her heart really isn't in it. I think you both would be much better off moving on and finding someone you are both more compatible with. 


@*Deidre* I think he meant a mutual friend of his and his GF came to town, which brought them back together and he and his GF ended up kissing.


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## re16

You already had sex with her, so then to stop that... you aren't fooling anyone... it already happened. That was a fairly strange decision from my perspective.

When you do get married, it should be a resounding yes from both parties... doubts only grow...


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## *Deidre*

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm not so sure this marriage is meant to be. You made a very abrupt and sudden change to the dynamics of the relationship. I actually think what you did is rather cruel and unfair to her. You went from living together in a sexual relationship to limiting how much you can kiss. When you broke up at that time you never should have gotten back together.
> 
> You seem to be on a different wavelength with regard to religion now and that will likely be a major source of friction moving forward, as it already has been. The fact she didn't give a resounding yes to your proposal and a conditional yes the next day means her heart really isn't in it. I think you both would be much better off moving on and finding someone you are both more compatible with.
> 
> 
> @*Deidre* I think he meant a mutual friend of his and his GF came to town, which brought them back together and he and his GF ended up kissing.


Ah, gotcha! Lol Thank you for clearing that up for me.


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## *Deidre*

re16 said:


> You already had sex with her, so then to stop that... you aren't fooling anyone... it already happened. That was a fairly strange decision from my perspective.
> 
> When you do get married, it should be a resounding yes from both parties... doubts only grow...


What do you mean by “you’re not fooling anyone?” He converted to Christianity and felt what they were doing was wrong, at that point. That’s what that faith is about - changing your behaviors because of your faith.


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## LisaDiane

lmatthew said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and recently proposed but have been having doubts. I met her 3 years ago and we started sleeping together quickly, then a year later moved in together which I later regretted when I converted to Christianity.
> 
> My conversion was a huge point of contention at first. Once I converted I told her I couldn’t have sex anymore and didn’t think it was appropriate to live together until we were married. She took that hard but we stuck through it. About a year after that I started enforcing boundaries to avoid having sex, such as putting limits on how much we made out. This was too much for her and we broke up.
> 
> A few months went by and we got back together when a mutual friend came into town and I ended up kissing her. Everything was fine for a while - we were going to church together, spending time with one another, she respected my boundaries - but she decided she wanted to move to another state to be with her family. I realized that was fair but wasn’t sure if I was willing to move without being sure we were serious about each other. So I planned a proposal for months in secret to surprise her. In her view she was worried I wasn’t going to move with her due to my reservations and she started putting up walls in what she thought would be an eventual break up. I thought if she would say yes to the proposal I would have the assurance to move to a new city with her, then we can figure out our reservations in time with one another there.
> 
> When I proposed she was shocked and said we had to talk about this, which devastated me. That night I went home alone and the next day we agreed we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
> 
> The day after I realized she never gave me a yes or no answer so I gave her a day to think about the proposal, since it was a complete surprise that caught her off guard.
> 
> The day after we talked in person and she said yes, but we need to go to counseling. I agreed and also wanted reassurance about her faith, which has always been behind mine but she always said she believes in God and goes to church with me every Sunday. So I asked her if she was still willing to get baptized in her home state with her family (she mentioned she’d be willing before) and she said yes. My main concern is that I don’t want her to be getting baptized for me. Also given the nature of the proposal I’m still having doubts about moving to a new city with her, which she wants to do asap.
> 
> I’m wondering if I’m seeing this clearly and if this is worth going through with given all the doubts and non linear nature of the relationship. Is this a lost cause or are these obstacles things that can be overcome?
> 
> Thanks for your help.


How old are you both? Have you done any counseling yet?

The most troubling sign about your relationship is not that she didn't accept your proposal right away with enthusiasm, it's the fact that she was shocked by it. That shows a deep sense of mistrust in her about your feelings and intentions with her. I believe that's due to how erratic you have been with her and what you want and how you feel. 

You keep changing your mind about her and about what you want with her, and that appears to have created some deep insecurities in her about you. You aren't a steady, dependable partner for her. And while you both might think that once you make up your minds or get married that you will work that all out....the reality is that your behaviors seem to be about how YOU really are with your feelings, and I don't know if you will ever stop making her feel insecure.

If I could talk to her, I would tell her that YOU aren't the right man for her. I don't believe you are ready to get married to anyone. You are young in your faith, and it sounds like you are still being guided by your feelings all the time, and much less by your faith. You need to be much more stable within yourself and with what you want for your life before you choose a life-partner for marriage.

My advice is to put the engagement on hold and go to the new city alone. Both of you should take time to figure out what you REALLY want in a marriage and in a partner before you decide to marry anyone.


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## *Deidre*

LisaDiane makes a very good point, OP. You're somewhat new to the faith, and it takes time to steady yourself on that path. God doesn't expect perfection, but your feelings do seem to be guiding you intertwined with what you feel your faith is telling you to do. 

If I could add, I'd caution you to not consider the faith to be a laundry list of ''do's and don'ts.'' That's legalism, and not really what Christianity is meant to be about. Not saying you're doing that, but God knows your heart, and finding the right partner won't feel like this, when it's right. It won't make you anxious and second guessing yourself.

I think you should take some time to continue growing in your faith and seeing where that path naturally leads you.


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## lmatthew

Thanks for all your responses. We love each other but I’m not sure love is always enough. I was thinking of both of us going home for thanksgiving and giving it more thought.

I know our situation is not ideal but I’m wondering if time will help. I’m okay with a longer engagement so we don’t feel rushed, but I also don’t want to waste our time and resources moving to another state if it’s not meant to be. Ideally we could stay where we are until we’re sure.

I don’t think she is hostile to my faith and she said she is willing to raise our potential children with it, which is a big reason I’m willing to work on the relationship.

I also realize I’m not going to change her as a person, which is why I proposed to her as she is now. I understand there will be challenges due to our differences but I can’t help but think there’s still a chance.

Maybe I’m deluded by love…


LisaDiane said:


> How old are you both? Have you done any counseling yet?
> 
> The most troubling sign about your relationship is not that she didn't accept your proposal right away with enthusiasm, it's the fact that she was shocked by it. That shows a deep sense of mistrust in her about your feelings and intentions with her. I believe that's due to how erratic you have been with her and what you want and how you feel.
> 
> You keep changing your mind about her and about what you want with her, and that appears to have created some deep insecurities in her about you. You aren't a steady, dependable partner for her. And while you both might think that once you make up your minds or get married that you will work that all out....the reality is that your behaviors seem to be about how YOU really are with your feelings, and I don't know if you will ever stop making her feel insecure.
> 
> If I could talk to her, I would tell her that YOU aren't the right man for her. I don't believe you are ready to get married to anyone. You are young in your faith, and it sounds like you are still being guided by your feelings all the time, and much less by your faith. You need to be much more stable within yourself and with what you want for your life before you choose a life-partner for marriage.
> 
> My advice is to put the engagement on hold and go to the new city alone. Both of you should take time to figure out what you REALLY want in a marriage and in a partner before you decide to marry anyone.


I am 26 and she is 25. We have not done any counseling yet but we plan to. She told me she was shocked by the proposal because she was bracing for the possibility I might not move with her. Since the proposal was a surprise I didn’t want to give her any hints.

I acknowledged I changed a lot since our relationship began but I've been clear on the person I’ve been becoming and told her if it wasn’t what she wanted she doesn’t have to be with me.

I told her I accept her as she is given that she’s not hostile to my faith and willing to raise our potential children that way, and she is willing to do that.

I also know marriage in itself will not fix the issues at hand, which is why we thought going to premarital counseling before we get married would be a good idea.

Still, I appreciate your advice.


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## gameopoly5

lmatthew said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and recently proposed but have been having doubts. I met her 3 years ago and we started sleeping together quickly, then a year later moved in together which I later regretted when I converted to Christianity.
> 
> My conversion was a huge point of contention at first. Once I converted I told her I couldn’t have sex anymore and didn’t think it was appropriate to live together until we were married. She took that hard but we stuck through it. About a year after that I started enforcing boundaries to avoid having sex, such as putting limits on how much we made out. This was too much for her and we broke up.
> 
> A few months went by and we got back together when a mutual friend came into town and I ended up kissing her. Everything was fine for a while - we were going to church together, spending time with one another, she respected my boundaries - but she decided she wanted to move to another state to be with her family. I realized that was fair but wasn’t sure if I was willing to move without being sure we were serious about each other. So I planned a proposal for months in secret to surprise her. In her view she was worried I wasn’t going to move with her due to my reservations and she started putting up walls in what she thought would be an eventual break up. I thought if she would say yes to the proposal I would have the assurance to move to a new city with her, then we can figure out our reservations in time with one another there.
> 
> When I proposed she was shocked and said we had to talk about this, which devastated me. That night I went home alone and the next day we agreed we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
> 
> The day after I realized she never gave me a yes or no answer so I gave her a day to think about the proposal, since it was a complete surprise that caught her off guard.
> 
> The day after we talked in person and she said yes, but we need to go to counseling. I agreed and also wanted reassurance about her faith, which has always been behind mine but she always said she believes in God and goes to church with me every Sunday. So I asked her if she was still willing to get baptized in her home state with her family (she mentioned she’d be willing before) and she said yes. My main concern is that I don’t want her to be getting baptized for me. Also given the nature of the proposal I’m still having doubts about moving to a new city with her, which she wants to do asap.
> 
> I’m wondering if I’m seeing this clearly and if this is worth going through with given all the doubts and non linear nature of the relationship. Is this a lost cause or are these obstacles things that can be overcome?
> 
> Thanks for your help.


My mother is English Jewish and my father is Irish Catholic and I am a cockney born in the east end of London. The only time I`ve been to a synagogue on my mother`s side of the family is for weddings, bar mitzvahs and funerals. The only time I`ve been to church on my father`s side is for, weddings, Christenings and funerals. My parents have departed now but both of them were not religious and neither am I.

Back in the days when my parents married in 1948 a Jew marrying a Catholic was a big deal, both side of the families were opposed to it. But regardless, my parents still married and stayed together for over 60 years.

My wife is Thai and we live in Thailand. She is Buddhist and often goes to the temple and has a good old chant with the monks in there. But I`ve made it clear to my wife that I`m not interested and she`s cool with that. No problem.

Sorry, but it appears to me you are trying to manipulate your girlfriend and entice her into being an orthodox Christian, you come across as a sort of missionary.

Either your girlfriend has to change to accommodate you (which I doubt she can) or you need to change to accommodate her, which it doesn`t appear you are prepared to do.

I believe your girlfriend loves you but you`re pushing her into a lifestyle she`s not comfortable with, which is unfair.

I suggest you let her free and find a woman who shares your religious beliefs as strongly as you do because your girlfriend and you are low in compatibility.

I`m only being realistic.

Think about it.


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## hamadryad

lmatthew said:


> Thanks for all your responses. We love each other but* I’m not sure love is always enough.*


It isn't...._.Life is too serious and love too mysterious...._


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## Anastasia6

it took you three years to propose so probably not the girl for you.


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## OnTheRocks

She should've dumped you when you announced you're going sexless until marriage. Are you some kind of amazing catch for some reason? 

Don't ever try to change who someone is. You seem to be trying to maintain a façade that she's choosing to become super churchy on her own, but you're clearly pressuring her.


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## LisaDiane

lmatthew said:


> Thanks for all your responses. We love each other but I’m not sure love is always enough. I was thinking of both of us going home for thanksgiving and giving it more thought.
> 
> I know our situation is not ideal but I’m wondering if time will help. I’m okay with a longer engagement so we don’t feel rushed, but I also don’t want to waste our time and resources moving to another state if it’s not meant to be. Ideally we could stay where we are until we’re sure.
> 
> I don’t think she is hostile to my faith and she said she is willing to raise our potential children with it, which is a big reason I’m willing to work on the relationship.
> 
> I also realize I’m not going to change her as a person, which is why I proposed to her as she is now. I understand there will be challenges due to our differences but I can’t help but think there’s still a chance.
> 
> Maybe I’m deluded by love…
> 
> 
> I am 26 and she is 25. We have not done any counseling yet but we plan to. She told me she was shocked by the proposal because she was bracing for the possibility I might not move with her. Since the proposal was a surprise I didn’t want to give her any hints.
> 
> I acknowledged I changed a lot since our relationship began but I've been clear on the person I’ve been becoming and told her if it wasn’t what she wanted she doesn’t have to be with me.
> 
> I told her I accept her as she is given that she’s not hostile to my faith and willing to raise our potential children that way, and she is willing to do that.
> 
> I also know marriage in itself will not fix the issues at hand, which is why we thought going to premarital counseling before we get married would be a good idea.
> 
> Still, I appreciate your advice.


I think the counseling is a great idea!

And I don't mean anything critical by what I wrote to you, I was simply trying to explain what I thought I could see in the little bit you wrote in your post. 

Again, the fact that the uncertainty of what you were up to when you were preparing to propose made her automatically assume that you wouldn't move with her, shows the deep feelings of insecurity and fear she has about your TRUE feelings for her. She is definitely NOT secure in your love and commitment to her. For good reason, because you have been erratic with your feelings since you "converted". 

What it sounds like is that right now, YOU have all the power in the relationship - she is jumping through hoops to hang on to you - and you are enjoying that and feeling attached to her because of it. But that isn't sustainable, and it's not "love".

I hear alot in your posts about what SHE is willing to do that you require in a partner...but what are YOUR responsibilities to HER...?? Do you even believe that you have to live up to her standards at all, or do you believe that since you have converted and are more religious, that you are the one who has the higher moral authority?

I am NOT judging you, I just want to give you things to think about for yourself. In your posts, I don't hear someone who is mature and living by his faith....I hear someone who isn't sure of anything, least of all his feelings about this woman he says he wants to marry. You SAY you love her, but you aren't acting in a loving way, according to what you have posted.

The counseling will help, but make sure you are willing to accept hearing what you might not want to hear.


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## lmatthew

LisaDiane said:


> I think the counseling is a great idea!
> 
> And I don't mean anything critical by what I wrote to you, I was simply trying to explain what I thought I could see in the little bit you wrote in your post.
> 
> Again, the fact that the uncertainty of what you were up to when you were preparing to propose made her automatically assume that you wouldn't move with her, shows the deep feelings of insecurity and fear she has about your TRUE feelings for her. She is definitely NOT secure in your love and commitment to her. For good reason, because you have been erratic with your feelings since you "converted".
> 
> What it sounds like is that right now, YOU have all the power in the relationship - she is jumping through hoops to hang on to you - and you are enjoying that and feeling attached to her because of it. But that isn't sustainable, and it's not "love".
> 
> I hear alot in your posts about what SHE is willing to do that you require in a partner...but what are YOUR responsibilities to HER...?? Do you even believe that you have to live up to her standards at all, or do you believe that since you have converted and are more religious, that you are the one who has the higher moral authority?
> 
> I am NOT judging you, I just want to give you things to think about for yourself. In your posts, I don't hear someone who is mature and living by his faith....I hear someone who isn't sure of anything, least of all his feelings about this woman he says he wants to marry. You SAY you love her, but you aren't acting in a loving way, according to what you have posted.
> 
> The counseling will help, but make sure you are willing to accept hearing what you might not want to hear.


I appreciate your honesty. From her point of view she is looking for someone who will hold her hand and kiss her in public, show more affection, and be more expressive - and I do - but she says I don’t do it enough. I prefer to be intimate in private, where I know I’m not making others uncomfortable with PDA. Besides that, I also make an effort to take her on dates every week. But these are small things I believe we can work out in counseling.

She needs a lot of reassurance which I acknowledge I was failing to give her, which is why I proposed to show how much I care. 

I ask her what she’s looking for in a partner and she says all the qualities I have, just less extreme.
She jokes she wants more of a “lukewarm” Christian. And I do not believe I am morally superior to her nor anyone else. This whole episode showed me that I have failed time and time again to be the best partner and have a lot of work to do, hence the counseling.

The major ask of hers is to move to her home state with her, and I told her I would. This is a major compromise I am willing to make because it doesn’t involve my faith.

The last thing I want however is for us to resent each other. I’m hoping counseling will help and prevent that from happening.


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## Young at Heart

lmatthew said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and recently proposed but have been having doubts. I met her 3 years ago and we started sleeping together quickly, then a year later moved in together which I later regretted when I converted to Christianity.
> 
> My conversion was a huge point of contention at first. Once I converted I told her I couldn’t have sex anymore and didn’t think it was appropriate to live together until we were married. She took that hard but we stuck through it. *About a year after that I started enforcing boundaries to avoid having sex, such as putting limits on how much we made out. This was too much for her and we broke up.*
> 
> 
> ......When I proposed she was shocked and said we had to talk about this, which devastated me. That night I went home alone and the next day we agreed we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
> 
> ......The day after we talked in person and *she said yes, but we need to go to counseling. *I agreed and also wanted reassurance about her faith, which has always been behind mine but she always said she believes in God and goes to church with me every Sunday. So I asked her if she was still willing to get baptized in her home state with her family (she mentioned she’d be willing before) and she said yes. My main concern is that I don’t want her to be getting baptized for me. Also given the nature of the proposal I’m still having doubts about moving to a new city with her, which she wants to do asap.
> 
> I’m wondering if I’m seeing this clearly and if this is worth going through with given all the doubts and non linear nature of the relationship. Is this a lost cause or are these obstacles things that can be overcome?
> 
> Thanks for your help.





lmatthew said:


> .....*I also realize I’m not going to change her as a person*, which is why I proposed to her as she is now. I understand there will be challenges due to our differences but I can’t help but think there’s still a chance.
> 
> Maybe I’m deluded by love…
> 
> ......*We have not done any counseling yet but we plan to. *She told me she was shocked by the proposal because she was bracing for the possibility I might not move with her. Since the proposal was a surprise I didn’t want to give her any hints.
> 
> I acknowledged *I changed a lot since our relationship began but I've been clear on the person I’ve been becoming and told her if it wasn’t what she wanted she doesn’t have to be with me.*
> 
> I told her I accept her as she is given that she’s not hostile to my faith and willing to raise our potential children that way, and she is willing to do that.
> 
> I also know marriage in itself will not fix the issues at hand, which is why we thought going to premarital counseling before we get married would be a good idea.
> 
> Still, I appreciate your advice.


While you say you understand that you can't change her, I am not sure you are really ready to believe that. I think that you may have proposed to her, hoping that either you will change her or that she will change herself into who you want her to become. 

In such a situation pre-marriage or couples counseling is a very great idea. You really should have focued on that instead of putting it off. Start the couples counseling to figure out your compatability. Having sex with a woman and then ending it because you have "found religion" has to be an incredible self confidence killer for any woman. You have probably emotionally scared her in ways you don't understand. 

Good luck and prioritize the counseling before you set the wedding date.


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## Openminded

I think the problem ultimately is your faith vs. her faith. Someday she may feel the way you do — or she may not. Are you willing to take that chance?


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## snowbum

Is she an atheist? If so you should move on.


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## BeyondRepair007

lmatthew said:


> I ask her what she’s looking for in a partner and she says all the qualities I have, just less extreme.
> She jokes she wants more of a “lukewarm” Christian


There are 2 potential problems with this statement.

First is the way you are learning and applying your faith. If you make sudden drastic changes like you have, there will be ripple affects to those around you. So do them carefully and give adequate consideration to the value of those around you. Learn to recognize legalism and avoid it. This is a relationship killer and you will alienate everyone around you.

Second is her response. A faith journey that is real and authentic should be lovingly supported, not asked to be toned down. _Especially_ supported by a spouse.

I don’t know which of these reasons has more weight in your relationship but I suspect you are over-eager in some areas so her comment is not out of line so much. Just make sure to understand this balance as you listen to those around you.

While I was on one knee proposing to my wife, I explained my intended journey with Christ and asked if she was willing to join me on that journey. Thank goodness she said yes. We both have stuck to those ideals, but it’s important that she knew the commitment I/we were making up front.


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## TexasMom1216

lmatthew said:


> She jokes she wants more of a “lukewarm” Christian.


I'm not sure she's really joking.

It sounds like she doesn't want to not support your finding a faith, but she isn't going to live her life according to your newly adopted creed. This sounds like a journey you're taking, not one you're both taking. In order for this to work, you both need to be on the same path. She can't be there with you while living her life apart. 

Sometimes you have to know when it's time to say goodbye to someone because your path isn't the same as theirs. It seems to me that clinging to someone and trying to drag them down a path they don't want to go down is an exercise in frustration and a waste of time.


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## ConanHub

lmatthew said:


> Hello,
> 
> I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years and recently proposed but have been having doubts. I met her 3 years ago and we started sleeping together quickly, then a year later moved in together which I later regretted when I converted to Christianity.
> 
> My conversion was a huge point of contention at first. Once I converted I told her I couldn’t have sex anymore and didn’t think it was appropriate to live together until we were married. She took that hard but we stuck through it. About a year after that I started enforcing boundaries to avoid having sex, such as putting limits on how much we made out. This was too much for her and we broke up.
> 
> A few months went by and we got back together when a mutual friend came into town and I ended up kissing her. Everything was fine for a while - we were going to church together, spending time with one another, she respected my boundaries - but she decided she wanted to move to another state to be with her family. I realized that was fair but wasn’t sure if I was willing to move without being sure we were serious about each other. So I planned a proposal for months in secret to surprise her. In her view she was worried I wasn’t going to move with her due to my reservations and she started putting up walls in what she thought would be an eventual break up. I thought if she would say yes to the proposal I would have the assurance to move to a new city with her, then we can figure out our reservations in time with one another there.
> 
> When I proposed she was shocked and said we had to talk about this, which devastated me. That night I went home alone and the next day we agreed we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
> 
> The day after I realized she never gave me a yes or no answer so I gave her a day to think about the proposal, since it was a complete surprise that caught her off guard.
> 
> The day after we talked in person and she said yes, but we need to go to counseling. I agreed and also wanted reassurance about her faith, which has always been behind mine but she always said she believes in God and goes to church with me every Sunday. So I asked her if she was still willing to get baptized in her home state with her family (she mentioned she’d be willing before) and she said yes. My main concern is that I don’t want her to be getting baptized for me. Also given the nature of the proposal I’m still having doubts about moving to a new city with her, which she wants to do asap.
> 
> I’m wondering if I’m seeing this clearly and if this is worth going through with given all the doubts and non linear nature of the relationship. Is this a lost cause or are these obstacles things that can be overcome?
> 
> Thanks for your help.


Dude....

I'm a committed Christian and you are being way too legalistic about this and trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube after squeezing it out.

Marry her and count yourself blessed.

Also, get your testosterone up and get someone to beat your ass so you stop being one.

You are pretty far removed from Christ to be so arrogant to claim she is behind you in faith and using that as a measuring stick.


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## ccpowerslave

If you need counseling before you’re married that should be a signal to you that something wrong is happening. Yes, I know it’s not unusual for various churches to have some sort of pre-marital counseling but I assume you’re talking about a professional outside the church?


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## lmucamac

There are so many red flags here. I don’t think either of you should even be considering marriage. Just because she’s gone to church with you and agreed to be baptized, doesnt mean you’re at the same level of spirituallaity. This is obviously a deal breaker for you. It’s time to take a break from each other and decide what’s truly important to each of you. 

also if you continue the relationship and counseling, it needs to be with someone not related to your church.


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## Diceplayer

Read what Christ said to the church in Laodicea in Revelation 3 about being lukewarm. If you are serious about your faith, you will not become lukewarm for any woman. I agree with @TexasMom1216. It may be time to cut your losses,


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## pastasauce79

Your post is a red flag after another. Looking for counseling while dating would be a deal breaker for me. If you are not sure about your relationship with her, before you have other pressures like raising kids, paying bills, job security, etc then you guys are not meant to be together. You guys should be punch drunk in love right now, not full of doubts.

I feel sorry for your girlfriend. She definitely needs to find a luke warn christian guy to love her and make her happy.


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## lmatthew

I appreciate the responses and it seems like many of you are against going through with this. Ironically this makes me want to work it out all the more. 

And no, I don't plan on strong-arming her into accepting my beliefs. 

We are doing fine in our relationship now and I hope by God's grace it will continue that way. 

All the best.


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## OnTheRocks

Urging someone to be something they're not breeds resentment. Fair warning. Otherwise, you need to be rich AF. LOL


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