# Wacky Mother In Law



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I'm not going into my full story again but suffice to say my W had an affair several years ago. It lasted 9 months. I nice guy'd my way through it. We are still married but my plan is to file after the holidays. The reason for my post is my mother in law. I've just realized how messed up her mode of thinking is.

The W and I went to her parents house several days ago to talk. I wasn't sure what this was about. It seemed like an ambush. Anyway, it made some things really come clear to me about my MIL. Some facts:

* After I busted my W the 2nd time with being in contact with OM the MIL got my W a burner phone. Her reason is that I was invading my wife's privacy by looking at her texts.

* MIL told me I acted crazy by looking at the W's email and phone during her affair. I am now a changed person for doing this.

* I told the MIL that my W and OM had very emotional "I love you" going back and forth via text, email. Very emotional teenager like. As in you are my world. The MIL responded by saying "well you have female friends, don't you tell them you love them?" I said I say ILY to 4 females, my W, my 2 daughters, and my mom.

* I said it's hard to describe when your spouse looks you dead in the eye and lies to you to be with another person. MIL said I lie to my husband. My follow up about trust in a committed relationship was blown off.

* She says things like "He is just doing that to put on a show that he is a good father" when I take my daughters to a movie and "I bet that credit card didn't work because he canceled you" - which are completely untrue. It's the taking a situation and making a worse case assumption and planting the seed of doubt in someone else.

* Says things just like my W that my she doubts my intentions and sincerity despite the fact that my words and actions match and have matched for a long time. 

* Now says she feels uncomfortable that my W and I haven't told our daughters exactly where the state of our marriage is. My response was they know we are having problems, we are in MC, and I will not tell them we are divorcing until that is a final because that is not the right way to approach it.

Some of this is just a vent. Other parts are I can now see where my W gets a lot of her puppet strings pulled. It's just wacky. The MIL will say "I don't want to interfere with your business" but her actions are totally the opposite. It's like she is trying to be the puppetmaster.

Thanks for listening to my vent. Between her and my W the amount of gaslighting that happens is amazing.

I guess I've just really realized how toxic this way of thinking is with both my W and MIL.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MIL cheated on her husband. Daughter knew and was cool with it. You fell amongst thieves, old chap. Sorry.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

We have a saying out here.. I don't know if you folks have the same.

Your spouse is still "her mother's tiny lamb".

"Tiny lambs" will never be ""real" persons" (with double quotations in there), always under protection of their mom. Whatever their ages are. They are spoiled. Whatever they do, they are approved. Flat, plain and simple.

What's your stance regarding your wife?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> We have a saying out here.. I don't know if you folks have the same.
> 
> Your spouse is still "her mother's tiny lamb".
> 
> ...


In the UK the nearest equivalent would be a Cade Lamb, or a pet lamb.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

"Wacky Mother-in-law" is redundant.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Your MIL is projecting her own personality flaws on you. You need to be done with her and I would seriously consider gathering evidence of her bashing you so as to not allow your children to ever speak to her again.

My EX MIL didn't like how my eldest was acting toward his mother, my EX after the divorce. My eldest was told to lie to me by my EX kissing other men while we were married. After everything came out my son had some issues with his mom for some of the things she did and told him to do. It was against what he knows was right.

Anyway MIL was upset with my son. She grabbed him by the back of his neck and his arm hard enough to draw blood from his arm with finger nail marks. When I found out about it, I called Child Protective Services. I had told my EX that no one but her and I are allowed to touch our children. I told my son that if she ever puts her hands on him again, she is assaulting him and he should defend himself. I was a little more explicit.

If she is a bad influence on your STBX and your kids, she needs to go like garbage/rubbish on pick up day.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> * After I busted my W the 2nd time with being in contact with OM the MIL got my W a burner phone. Her reason is that I was invading my wife's privacy by looking at her texts.


The most important thing about the above is that your WS is a repeat offender. Personally I think WS should be given only ONE chance at R. 

The second thing is "Like mother like daughter!" They have the cheater gene. My WS's Papa was a cheater and so was his grandpapa!

I am so glad you are filing. Do some research and get a lawyer who is known for getting fathers a good deal. They do exist. Your settlement is only as good as the lawyer you engage. I have seen it with my own eyes. 

I wish you the very best.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, time to go. Forget the holidays.


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## Emptyshelldad (Apr 29, 2013)

its more of how some women are completely whacko. i havent seen a lot of jokes about how father inlaws hate their daughter or son in laws. its always the mother in law. my mother in law is similar but not that bad. she is quick to give my wife many excuses and ways out of takin real responsibility for any of her actions. 

really my wife could run over homeless people for fun and my mother in law would say "well if those people werent sleeping on the ground they wouldnt have been in danger....why dont they sleep in the trees, then they wouldnt take a chance....but im not saying my daughter is right." 

its really sad when you see it unfolding right bfore your very eyes.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Why wait for the holidays, when they treat you like shyt. 

You should get an RO on your MIL so she can not be around your kids. She is batshyt crazy. ( your wife did not fall far from the tree) 

Respect yourself, because neither of them respect you. You should blast the affair far and wide. I hope you informed the OM's family also. 

Put your wife up on cheaterville with her mom. Does your FIL know that he need to be tested for stds? 

Get a VAR and record the next conversation with your MIL and your cheating wife. Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. You should do the 180 on your wife and her family.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I also don't see any sense in waiting until after the holidays, but that's your choice. One thing is for sure, stop talking to the MIL. Don't listen, don't respond. She doesn't deserve your respect or consideration. Who gives a damn what she thinks about you or your marriage? If she tries to engage you in discussion abut anything again, simply smile at her and say nothing. Or walk away.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Damn lucky for your MIL it wasn't me. I would have looked the woman straight in the eye and told her to shove her opinions and piss poor excuses up her ass sideways. Then I would have told the wife, "Stay here" and don't come back. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and that tree should be cut down. Sounds like her family tree was a stump.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> MIL cheated on her husband. Daughter knew and was cool with it. You fell amongst thieves, old chap. Sorry.


:iagree: Sounds like she is protecting her daughter of the same sins she is guilty of.

For what it's worth, you're not alone. My wife currently has an EPO against her mother because she threatened to kill me. In KY only a direct relation can get an EPO so I couldn't get it. But the MIL said enough things about my W and sons in her voice mail rant that the judge issued it for my W.

I blame my MIL for damaging my wife's way of thinking. This is not an excuse for her cheating but it certainly helps me understand how she could.
- MIL told her no man is faithful and it is only a matter of time before they cheat. She told her this as a young child.

- She said sex is something you just have to do when you're married.

- said I was most likely cheating everything I was in port. I was in the Navy and frequently made port calls but never cheated.

- she cheated with my FIL's brother so my wife has a half-brother/half-cousin.

- she always told my wife sex was a tool for women to use over men.

- during a long deployment my wife went to stay with her with our two sons. During this time MIL had a boyfriend move it that was the same age as my wife. They had very loud sex that would cause my wife to have to leave with the children because they would ask what was going on. Luckily, wife had the sense to get out of there.

- she was always a backstabber and gossiper. She is a master at manipulation and acting the victim.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The best news of this post is that she is your STBXMIL

You won't have to put up with your wife's cheating ways or her mothers bat**** crazy notions any longer.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Man, I had great In laws. My FIL cursed my wife out in 1999 when she left me with the boys. He never yelled at my wife. She moved in with the OM and my FIL could not believe it until my sons talked to him on the phone. They were around 8 and 10, crying that their mother left them for OM. My FIL went berserk on my wife over the phone and smashed the phone. My FIL and MIL would never have put up with this crap. They are both gone. My two oldest BILs and oldest SIL did not put up with my wife's crap.

My wife's middle sister (a few years older then her) is whacky like your MIL. She was involved with men in 1999 with my wife, laughed at me last year, saying I deserved this, and I could tell you more nutty things she did and said.

You should have never gone there. If you do again have a VAR on you.

I plan on never talking to my nutty SIL. My wife would like to fix things but I am not open to it.

Since you are going for D, I would cut that witch off right now. Tell her to go pound sand. She is a Jezebel.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You do not owe your MIL any explanations or even responses. You do not have to justify yourself to her. She is clearly not a fit judge of right and wrong. If I were you, I would stop listening & certainly stop responding.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Stop seeking her opinion or sharing your life with her. She will defend her daughter to the end and you know what. Look at the mil. this is what your wife will be in a few years. I would tell you to be very cautious about discussing your plans with anyone. it just is inviting the wrong person to tell your children about what's going on. 
I personally would not wait till after holidays. The longer it goes the more stressful it becomes and could make the holidays that much harder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I don't think my MIL cheated on her husband. I think her point was that she has lied to her husband and he has lied to her so it's not big deal that my W lied to me. Except that it was to be with another man....it's a little different. And that's how the MIL said it "sure, it's a little different". Ya think!?

Actually it's funny, after that ambush I decided I have absolutely no reason to speak to her anymore. I've given up trying to explain or anything, just makes me look weak. I know what's right and she isn't.

In her mind her precious daughter did nothing wrong. Although I will admit she made me realize something. She asked me if I will ever forgive my W. I didn't answer her. In my mind it made me confront the truth though.....No. Many other factors go into this but the reality is I don't want to continue to hook my wagon up with someone who is capable of that. 

I look at my MIL and I now think to myself this is what the W will be like. And my MIL felt that since she had her children she has done everything that she needs to do in life. Her husband caters to her. I've often said in the relationship he is like a rented mule, she's always riding, chiding, disrespecting him. Whatever, it works for them. Not for me.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> I don't think my MIL cheated on her husband. I think her point was that she has lied to her husband and he has lied to her so it's not big deal that my W lied to me. Except that it was to be with another man....it's a little different. And that's how the MIL said it "sure, it's a little different". Ya think!?


Blame-shifting and excusing adultery? You know who makes those types of equivocation, in my experience? Cheaters. 



> In her mind her precious daughter did nothing wrong.


Yep and cheaters say this as well.



> She asked me if I will ever forgive my W.


 Want immediate forgiveness after coming clean? Cheaters.



> Her husband caters to her. I've often said in the relationship he is like a rented mule, she's always riding, chiding, disrespecting him. Whatever, it works for them. Not for me.


Now, if this is the case, how can you NOT believe MIL isn't lying cheater.

She lies.
She excuses cheating.
She excuses lying.
She blame shifts.
She disrespects her husband.
She cake eats.

I bet if you asked her, the answer and reaction would be so ridiculously over the top you'd know she was a cheater. 

You are right, she may be dysfunctional and not a cheater, but excusing and downplaying lying makes me believe the exact opposite.


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## lacey99 (Oct 18, 2013)

workindad said:


> The best news of this post is that she is your STBXMIL
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> Oh how I wish I was about to have a STBXMIL...she actually sided with my H when he was cheating, eventhough her H cheated on her too.....I haven't spoken to her for a year, thank goodness she lives hours away and wont fly in winter, so im fine for awhile....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Glad you won't be the rented mule. Sad thing is your wife sees herself as a sharecroper. Her life is miserable because she feels restless and the POSOM was a little pick-me-upper. However, it was only an affair for the entertainment value. The OM didn't want your wife or this other AP because he had two kids with his GF and she was not a happy camper. (Did she leave him?)

Your decision to divorce is vital for your happiness and your wife's. She will discover that the security you provided did not make her happy. Once you are gone she will have to grow up. Perhaps she will be sad that she has no one to share her unhappiness and discontent. If she complains about divorced life or say she wants to R, I think you'll tell her words are cheap.

After divorce you probably won't want to have anything to do with her beside co-parenting. However, you can tell her that if she becomes better, i.e., stops blaming others and becomes more positive, you'll notice. If that more grown up person wants to date and has sexual desire for you, you can consider R. I think the boat has sailed. She doesn't have the will power to lift the oars.

Be interesting if she ever writes something passionate to you now.

It's hard to be single at your age. I am 55. But it's not hopeless. Are you exercising and eating right?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Feel OK with yourself that filing is OK. Your MIL is supporting your wife having an affair.

There is zero hope.

I just hope she is a good mom to them. (Lets not go to the no she isnt...)

Does adultery matter in your state?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

The chips don't fall far from the stump.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I feel totally fine with filing for D.....finally. Took me the majority of this year to get there though.

The W and I did MC at my insistence this past summer into fall before things blew up. We went about 10 times. During the last session my W had to leave early. The therapist said to me "You can walk away knowing you did everything possible to try to save the marriage". That was helpful to hear of course because I've had doubts even though it's felt like I tried everything possible.

What I have come to realize is that the affair woke me up. It woke me up to other things about the marriage and my W that not only don't add happinness to my life, it actually takes away from my happinness. The marriage simply isn't good for me. The affair made me truly look at how the marriage fits into my life and whether it truly is someone I want to continue to build a life with. And that answer has been answered a solid no.

My W and MIL feel that sweeping the affair under the rug is the thing to do. I told my W the reason things have been so "lively" the last several months is because I was finally confronting and dealing with it. I've also finally realized that the affair and my wife's unhappinness in general is not because of me. It is due to her own unhappinness. She simply projects it onto others.

Anyway, my point is they both want it back to status quo - that is what it was like pre-affair. And why wouldn't they? Divorce and change will be very hard on my W. All of a sudden the affair and the lack of effort in working to rebuild the marriage will have consequences.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

2yearsago said:


> The W and I did MC at my insistence this past summer into fall before things blew up. We went about 10 times. During the last session my W had to leave early. The therapist said to me "You can walk away knowing you did everything possible to try to save the marriage". That was helpful to hear of course because I've had doubts even though it's felt like I tried everything possible.


Wow you may have had a therapist worth a darn!


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

My wife figured out that her mother is a text book narcissist about 3 1/2 yrs ago without any input or prompting from me. 

She researched further and found that the only thing to be done to minimize the impact of her mother's condition on herself and our family was to go completely NC with her which she promptly instituted and has maintained to this day.

*EVERYTHING* within our marriage started and has continued to get better since.

Your MIL is truly toxic. Unless your stbxw figures that out and takes whatever steps are necessary to purge her mother's influence from her life, the woman will continue to sabotage any chance of happiness her daughter may have in the future.

With or without you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My MIL is an enabler through and through. HER kids can do no wrong because they are the fruit of HER perfect vagina. Sorry to be blunt but she just is that way.

We fought about the affair this summer in late August and because of it, I've washed my hands of WS's siblings and my MIL. I skipped Thanksgiving for the first time in 10 years (even went during separation) this year and will be skipping Christmas with them in the same fashion.

I really don't have time for people that would support my WS doing what he did and throwing me and the baby away and under the bus, only to treat me nice and take interest in the baby when WS tells them he wants me back. 

I'm trying not to take it personally because I know it's about her and not me - she doesn't want to look at what WS has done and have to wonder if and where she went wrong. Even though she has claimed not to like him and that he is the black sheep, she will defend him because it means defending HERSELF.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

2yearsago

Wow, sounds almost exactly like my x-MIL. I've been divorced for a few years now, and her new husband is abusive to her.

So her mom even contacted me when he hit her once trying to have a shoulder to cry on. I told her not to bother me with it and that this is the wonderful guy she chose to be her new son-in-law and disrespected me with. Told her that her and her daughter made the bed, they can lay in it.

Good that you are going to file for divorce after the holidays. Get away from both of these crazy witches.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Good that you are going to file for divorce after the holidays. Get away from both of these crazy witches.


I read something this morning about not looking back and saying "What If?" that really struck home with me in relation to this situation.

*Don't keep negative company*. Don't let someone who has a bad attitude give it to you. Don't let them get to you. When you remember that keeping the company of negative people is a choice, not an obligation, you free yourself to keep the company of compassion instead of anger, generosity instead of greed, and patience instead of stress and anxiety.

Made me realize how just about every other aspect of my life is filled with positive people.....except the W and MIL. Everything there is without respect, back stabbing, blame shifting, victim, bitterness. All it does is suck life energy. Harsh but true.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Give her a wonderful gift at Christmas.

Give her the divorce papers. Let her unwrap them and tell her to get out and go see her OM.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry your wife is a cheater, and her mother defends her. You've got enough to deal with, than have your cheating wife's mother coming at you. You need to stay away from MIL, and from your repeat offender wife as well.

I didn't tell my MIL, and asked my H not to tell her about his infidelity because I knew she would find a way to justify his actions, a.k.a. blame me.

You'd be better movin' on from that mess of a family.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

man you are right, point by point that you wrote is rotten behaviour, probably that aptitude also encouraged your STBXW to keep cheating.

the most important here is that you finally opened your eyes, not just regarding her cheating, but also that your marriage was bad even before the affair and not necessary for your lack of effort.

as your threapist said you already did everything in your side but a marrigage need two in the equation to work, I am sure that this new year will be your year.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Who cares what mil thinks. Move on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> "Wacky Mother-in-law" is redundant.


WMIL=Wayward Mother In Law.

With a Mom like that your wife never had a chance.

neither did you......


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I chalk it up to victim mentality in a lot of ways. It's like my wife's response this past summer when I made a last effort to save the marriage. I said if we are gonna survive we need to go to MC. It is time for BOTH of us to give full effort to make this work or get out. 

Her response: "I gave 80% of the effort for 17 years. I don't have to give any effort now"

Could you feel any more sorry for yourself?

MIL feeds this type of mentality. Funny thing is for a long time I thought women did the type of behind the back hen party type stuff and that it was NORMAL. I've caught my MIL saying that members of my family are crazy and f***ed up. And I caught my W saying very disrespectful things about me behind my back. She learned it from mommy. And I thought this was normal.

It's an unhealthy family to be around. See ya.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> Her response: "I gave 80% of the effort for 17 years. I don't have to give any effort now"
> 
> Could you feel any more sorry for yourself?


whaaaa. then she expected you to swallow her cheating and accept it and continue as if nothing happened?

Puff, well at least you can see her and her family's bahaviour with objetivity which is good because now you know from what red flags you have to be aware for future relationships.

we humans tend to repeat the same mistakes. Hope this is not your case





2yearsago said:


> It's an unhealthy family to be around. See ya.


:smthumbup:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

2yearsago said:


> I chalk it up to victim mentality in a lot of ways. It's like my wife's response this past summer when I made a last effort to save the marriage. I said if we are gonna survive we need to go to MC. It is time for BOTH of us to give full effort to make this work or get out.
> 
> Her response: "I gave 80% of the effort for 17 years. I don't have to give any effort now"
> 
> ...


So 2yearsago did you give your wife her walking (divorce) papers for Xmas with a note attached that said "Save your other 20% we no longer need it"?

HM


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

The apple didn't fall too far from the tree. MIL is a cancer to your life and marriage. Once you serve her the paper say good riddance to bad rubbish!!


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

2yearsago said:


> What I have come to realize is that the affair woke me up. It woke me up to other things about the marriage and my W that not only don't add happinness to my life, it actually takes away from my happinness. The marriage simply isn't good for me. The affair made me truly look at how the marriage fits into my life and whether it truly is someone I want to continue to build a life with. And that answer has been answered a solid no.


Wow. Well said. That is exactly where i am at. All this did was shine a giant spotlight on how sh*tty things have been for years. How much i have catered and drug her butt through life/parenting.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

No walking papers yet BUT I did revisit the lawyer to get my ducks in a row. I said we would have a last holiday season as a family. We have 2 daughters. Today is January 1st and a new year is upon us. Walking papers served within the week. Stay tuned.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Once received........brace yourself for the fangs to really come out and things to turn even nastier!!!


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Differentguy said:


> Wow. Well said. That is exactly where i am at. All this did was shine a giant spotlight on how sh*tty things have been for years. How much i have catered and drug her butt through life/parenting.


Sometimes we block out what we don't want to see.

After going through the pain of the affair with no remorse from her and her making it may fault and worst of all me allowing her to make it my fault I realized how incredibly unhappy my wife is.

She is unhappy in so many aspects of her life. She does nothing to change her unhappinness. I've learned to think about it this way.

Her affair is a symptom of her unhappinness. All the doctoring I tried to do for many years didn't help. It only helped co-create this dysfunctional relationship.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Your wife had an affair for nine months, you planned to file for divorce after the holidays but you still decided to go to her parent's house to talk. You even said that you figured it was going to be an ambush. My question is simply this. Do you like setting yourself up or abuse when it's quite obvious?


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT said:


> Your wife had an affair for nine months, you planned to file for divorce after the holidays but you still decided to go to her parent's house to talk. You even said that you figured it was going to be an ambush. My question is simply this. Do you like setting yourself up or abuse when it's quite obvious?


Good question. I should have been a little more clued in when the wife said she wasn't sure what they wanted to talk about.

Too much nice guy wanting to believe in the good of others I guess. I'll learn one of these days:scratchhead:


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

2yearsago said:


> Good question. I should have been a little more clued in when the wife said she wasn't sure what they wanted to talk about.
> 
> Too much nice guy wanting to believe in the good of others I guess. I'll learn one of these days:scratchhead:



It's ok as I'm sure there's a thousand things going through your mind these days. Sometimes what's obvious to an outsider looking at the situation might not be obvious to you. I would've been reading that woman the riot act so congrats on keeping your cool.


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