# only 3 years of marriage and I do not want sex...can this be fixed?



## OnTheEdgeofChange (Nov 29, 2011)

I have been married for only 3 years, slowly over the time of our marriage I have decreasingly wanted to have sex with my husband. I currently dread the idea of having sex with him and at times I feel like the only reason I do is so he will stop complaining. I am not sure if the passion is gone or if there even was any in the first place. I am just confused about whether I should try to fix this (if it even can be fixed) or if I am no longer attracted to my husband. I do not want to waste either of our lives because I feel that if after only a few years we are having these issues it is not a good predictor of our future lives.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi OnTheEdge ~

Thanks for posting!

How old are you and your husband? Any kids? New lifestyle changes recently?

There are any number of things that can cause a loss of libido in both men and women. Loss of desire is usually more common in women, though, so don't feel that you are alone in this.

Here's a list of the most likely potential causes:

Low sex drive in women: Causes - MayoClinic.com

Do you see anything on that list that could be affecting you? How is the relationship outside the bedroom with your husband?

You know, sexual intimacy with our spouse is a lot like keeping a fire going. You have to keep it tended, or it can slowly go out. Have you been tending that fire with your husband? Do you let him know you appreciate or love him? Do you verbalize it? Do you show it with your actions?

So many men see love and connection and intimacy in having sex with their wives, so your husband is likely to be feeling the same kind of disconnect right now that you are. But, all it takes is one person to make the first move (like you! ) to try and get that spark going again. And to me, that is what marriage is about - it is about being willing to give, not give up. 

Best wishes.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Should you try to fix it? That is the first thing you need to awnser, if you don't feel a strong enough love to or the desire to put in the work to try to fix this then just walk away and spare you and him the years of pain and resentment.

If you wish to get any useful advice from here you need to add details. How are you outside of the bedroom? Any children? Does he try to meet your needs? Are you a SAHM? Do you feel you connect in other ways? How well do you comunicate? Are you depressed? Does he abuse you mentaly or phyicaly? All improtant factors.

If this holds true to form you will soon get a rush of sexually frustrated men on here who know what it's like to be on that end of the stick and will say that it is abusive to withold sex. Comming from their point of view it will be correct. Most of them have endured their wives telling them that that it's not important, or that he just wants to get his **** wet or that he should be happy with what he gets (just a tip, if you think of saying that last one do him a favor and drop to your knees, punch him square in the junk, and leave him it will be much less painful and less demeaning for him). The fact of it is, none of those things are true. If he puts in the effort to meet your needs.

A man gets his closest connection with the woman he loves from sex. This is not a want from him it is a NEED. If you are not trying to fix this or telling him what he can do to fix it he will complain, whine, *****, piss, and moan. Put it this way, think of him never saying I love you, cuddleing with you or showing you any type of loving or caring actions then him looking you straight in the eyes and telling you that your feelings are not valid and you need to get over it, you can then feel what he is going through. A mountian of resentment will continue to build and build and build until you either tell him what he can do to fix the problem or until he sees you are making a TRUE effort to fix it.

Either make a true attempt to fix the problem or leave and save both of you the pain and leave. The ball is in your court on this one.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

:iagree:

With everything said above by both posters. Why does the ball have to be in the court of the lower drive spouse who doesnt want to fix it (and by fixing it I mean having a little more sex... even just a little instead of being resentful and turned off by it)?

:banghead:


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## OnTheEdgeofChange (Nov 29, 2011)

I am 22 and my husband is 24, we do not have any children. We did meet and soon after were married so I am not sure if we rushed things and maybe didn't get married for the right reasons. But anyways....

I almost think it might be resentment over stuff that has gone on. He is in the military and recently signed up for a deployment after being home less than a year from his last deployment then played it like he was being forced to go I found out through a friend that he had actually asked to go when I asked him why he gave me multiple reasons some of which I am totally find with the one I am kinda mad about is he said since we were having marriage issues he thought the distance would do us some good.

Then I caught him 2 separate times on dating websites once while he was home and once while he has been deployed. The second time I found out he was emailing woman nude photos of himself. When I confronted him he said it was because we were having a rough time so of course I blamed myself.

I think I am a pretty decent wife, I currently do not have a job but am trying to find one. Since I do not work I agree to do ALL the housework so he doesn't have to worry about any of that. I am not like most other military wives that go out and blow all the guys money I am a discount shopper and cut corners I rarely buy myself anything because I feel guilty using his money.

Before he left for deployment our marriage outside the bedroom was pretty boring he just wanted to play video games with his free time or sleep. At times I do not feel sexually attracted to him at all I feel like what little passion we did have is now completely gone. I of course am not going to give up and I am waiting until he comes home to attempt the whole counseling thing but right now I am having little hope of change.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

OnTheEdgeofChange said:


> I am 22 and my husband is 24, we do not have any children. We did meet and soon after were married so I am not sure if we rushed things and maybe didn't get married for the right reasons. But anyways....
> You are both rather young to be married. What made you decide to rush?
> 
> I almost think it might be resentment over stuff that has gone on. He is in the military and recently signed up for a deployment after being home less than a year from his last deployment then played it like he was being forced to go I found out through a friend that he had actually asked to go when I asked him why he gave me multiple reasons some of which I am totally find with the one I am kinda mad about is he said since we were having marriage issues he thought the distance would do us some good.It sounds more like a separation than a deployment. After all, your husband actively sought this out and he feels that distance would do you good. What kind of marriage issues is he referring to?
> ...


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## OnTheEdgeofChange (Nov 29, 2011)

You are both rather young to be married. What made you decide to rush? I think part of my reason was I thought I had finally found a nice guy who cared, I thought I was in love, plus it was a way to get away from my family since we were in separate states, and the fact that the military doesn't really care unless you are married. He said he loved me and that I was amazing but as of right now thinking back I don't know if I felt the same. I love him in that I care I just don't think I am in love with him anymore.

It sounds more like a separation than a deployment. After all, your husband actively sought this out and he feels that distance would do you good. What kind of marriage issues is he referring to? I guess he thought how I was somewhat depressed since we had just moved and I didn't have a job or friends. We fought over small stuff all the time. We would never had fun he would play video games and I would do house cleaning or watch tv in another room most of the time he was home. I think his main reason was the lack of sex because I did not feel sexually attractive and I didn't feel attracted to him even before he was caught online on dating websites that just made it worse. I have since he left lost some weight and made some amazing friends but I still don't feel sexually attracted to him.

Have you thought about returning to school? I have an Associates degree and a Bachelors but I need my Masters to do anything in the field I want to work in. The military lifestyle makes it a little difficult to go to Grad school


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

If he was on dating web sites that is cheating. Don't let him shift the blame to you and don't just sweep it under the rug. There is no excuse for this. Make sure you put down boundries, and that it is not going to happen agian before you move foreward in any way.

That being said. You have no children, it may be difficult to go back to school but you need to find a way to make it work. Finish school and get a job, become more independent it will at the very least make it easier to leave if it comes down to it and you will probibly feel better about yourself.

It sounds like you where having a communication problem before the dating websites so if you can be sure he is not going back to them then going to MC is a good idea. If he is going to continue to cheat, don't even bother with MC it will do no good.

Do you ever get out and do anything for you? If you are not going to go to school you should probibly find something to do with your spare time.


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