# My wife has lost interest in Sex



## atomoto (Jun 28, 2013)

I am 47 years old, my wife is 39 and we've been married for 15 years. My wife has lost interest in sex since 2010 and in several occassions have clearly told me that she has no feeling for me. I really do not want a divorce and will like to find a solution to the problem. Will it help if I discuss the problem with her? Is it advisable to take her to forums where such problems are discussed? Should I share with her literature on how to solve such problems? I am seriously considering divorce and therefore need urgent help!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Ask her if she has no feelings for you and not interested in sex would it be OK for you to get it from someone else. If she says that's OK than your marriage is over. If she says no than you tell her she needs to start having sex with you or its over. She seems like she wants a roommate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Welcome.

Was this a slowly declining level of interest over some time, or did something happen 3 years ago? Who normally does/did the initiating, and how did it stop? It may be that things have gotten a bit stale and new ideas are needed, you'd really need to ask her to get answers specific to your relationship. After being together so long, can we safely assume you know each other's love languages well? So you know what she likes and what to say and do to make her feel loved? Remember that mental connection needs to be there for women to want sex. Do you feel mentally connected at the moment? Do you do fun, not just every day activities together, date nights? Your answers will help give us a clearer picture of what you're dealing with.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

atomoto said:


> I am 47 years old, my wife is 39 and we've been married for 15 years. My wife has lost interest in sex since 2010 and in several occassions have clearly told me that she has no feeling for me.
> 
> *Can you tell us more about why your wife would tell you she has no feelings for you?
> 
> ...


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## atomoto (Jun 28, 2013)

Yes! Something very bad happened three years ago but that is not all. We have been quarreling all our marriage life and doing nothing together that can bond us: no dates, no joint projects, in short, nothing in common. But somehow we have managed to stay together and have four kids.

We quarrel over everything and this resulted in something really bad: three years ago I went out with another woman never to come back (the affair lasted 3 months). She convinced me to stop the relationship, that she does not want to loose me, which I did. Things started going OK then collapsed all of a sudden. Instead of healing the wounds, she entertained a relationship with a man for about two years, from December 2010 to December 2012 (they broke the relationship six months ago). I discovered the affair only three weeks ago!

Since January 2010 I have been trying to get us to do things together, go out on dates etc, but she is putting in no effort. She want things to be done only on her terms. She shows no signs of flexibility. 

I am the one who always initiate sex. She accepts at times but she is never interested and I have the impression of raping her. I do not understand why she will remain with me eventhough she has no feelings and does not care. I have the impression of being used and that is why the urge to divorce is so strong especially after my discovery. She insists that the affair was a banal mistake and she abandoned it once she discovered that it was counter productive. Also, she insists that the affair did not and does not affect the way she feels for me.

At the same time, somewhere I feel she wants things to be fixed but she is not saying it explicitly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what have you two done to work through the affair? Or did you merely sweep it under the rug and pretend its all better?

My thoughts... Your wife wanted you back because she wants her "family". Might be financial, might be social, whatever. But she doesn't love you. So she gives you enough sex grudgingly to keep you around.

So how do you fix it? The two of you need to dig into the affair, fix the reasons why it happened, and then fix the fallout. It won't be easy, and you both have to be committed to it. If not, you won't be able to fix it on your own.

C


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, interesting that the OP didn't see the need to reveal in his first post that he had an affair and left. This tells me that it wasn't dealt with, he doesn't think it's a big deal, and is not particularly sorry about it. Probably thinks he was entitled to it and that since she wanted him back it was enough that he did her the huge favor of coming back. Your wife doesn't trust you and I wouldn't either. Either get to counseling and deal with your affair, or just end the marriage, then you can bang all the bimbos you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your wife tells you she has no feelings for you, then you should start the process of divorce. This will either wake her up to want to try, or if she accepts the divorce you realize that in her mind the marriage is unfixable.


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## atomoto (Jun 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow, interesting that the OP didn't see the need to reveal in his first post that he had an affair and left. This tells me that it wasn't dealt with, he doesn't think it's a big deal, and is not particularly sorry about it. Probably thinks he was entitled to it and that since she wanted him back it was enough that he did her the huge favor of coming back. Your wife doesn't trust you and I wouldn't either. Either get to counseling and deal with your affair, or just end the marriage, then you can bang all the bimbos you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I did not see the need to reveal it simply because it is more complicated that it seem and I did not just come back like that. Also, I did not expect her to just accept me like that. And it is not like I believed I was entitled to it. Far from that. It was not just an affair: it was a separation that was to lead to a divorce. It is the worst thing that ever happened to me and I will not want anybody to get into such a mess. The situation got too messy and out of hand. We started the fix alright until she got into an affair. My problem is how to find a way forward.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

atomoto said:


> Well, I did not see the need to reveal it simply because it is more complicated that it seem and I did not just come back like that. Also, I did not expect her to just accept me like that. And it is not like I believed I was entitled to it. Far from that. It was not just an affair: it was a separation that was to lead to a divorce. It is the worst thing that ever happened to me and I will not want anybody to get into such a mess. The situation got too messy and out of hand. We started the fix alright until she got into an affair. My problem is how to find a way forward.



You're withholding vital information. How do you expect to get good advice when you present a scenario that is much different then what's really going on? You present a problem as "my wife lost interest in sex. How can I make her get it back", like everyone is an angel and you mean wife just cut you off. In reality, there were affairs going around with both of you band you left for another woman, this is a much different situation then you presented. You MUST deal with these affairs on counseling, you can't just forget about it and move forward. And if course it got messy, that's why you don't date while you're still married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## atomoto (Jun 28, 2013)

Thank you for all the wonderful advice. I probably did not present the problem correctly given its complexity but I think I have a glimpse of how to go about it which is the most important thing. Each and every one of you have touched an important aspect of the problem which has been an eye-opener. Thank you so much!


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

It sounds like communication skills are lacking here, this being based on the fact that you stated you have been fighting most of your marriage.

Since you have children, my suggestion would be to immediately find a counselor that can assist you both. You have major hurdles to overcome from the affairs. Learning good communication skills will be vital, as well as very important for your children. You really want you children to have a good example of positive communication and a good example of positive relationships.

It is gonna take a lot of work and your marriage may not survive, but hopefully you will make progress and learn skills that will help the children with a more positive atmosphere.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

set her free.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's over. Sorry.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Seems to me yo both messed up.. her in response to your infidelity.

Guess the scoreboard is fair... you both messed up.

As for your marriage...

You have 4 kids both of you should think of them.

I would sit down and simply explain the way it is... let your wife know you messed up and that she later did similar. Ask her what she wants. Ask her if she is willing to work the marriage back to a stable, complete and happy one without arguing.

Set a timeline and hold to it... do a checkpoint in intervals so you can both assess where you are. then reach a final decision point whether its working or not.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you had an affair and she could have had a revenge affair. Sharing that in the original post would have been helpful to those offering advice. Not just saying she has lost interest in sex. Your problems go way beyond sex. 

My advice? File for divorce as you were originally planning because it doesn't sound like she's interested in the marriage right now. You may find, after you file, that she does want to save the marriage. But right now it doesn't sound like it.


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## masonmoore (Jul 5, 2013)

I think you have to consult with sexologist for this issue, he may help you and short out your problem.


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