# curiosity about OM



## shockedandsad (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm sure I'm not the first to say so, but I absolutely can't believe I am posting on here. 

Don't think I need to get into too many details for the purpose of my question, but for a little context, I found out 4 months ago that my wife had a brief affair over a year ago. It was over almost as quickly as t started and she was not in touch with the OM at all. He texted her a few times over the course of the year but she did not respond. Anyway, we are working it out, going to counseling, she is incredible remorseful, and wishes it hadn't happened almost as much as I do I think.

So things are going as well as I could hope in the recovery process. Of course there has been tremendous pain and while I haven't had more than a couple hours pass without thinking about it in some way, we are able to enjoy our time together often and she's really patient and comforting when I fall apart. 

So anyway, my question is related to her affair partner, who I know some things about, but I find myself struggling to resist looking him up online, mainly to see a photo I guess. What I am wondering is if I should just do it to satisfy my curiosity, but I am concerned that it could be more painful to do that, since with some of the details about the affair itself that I asked for, in retrospect maybe I would be better off not knowing because they led to horrible mind movies that are just now starting to fade.

Does anyone have any experience with this? My therapist suggested I don't look, although he doesn't think it will do significant harm. He just thinks it won't do any good either so what's the point. I guess my hope would be that if I did look, maybe it would quiet my mind instead of always having that nagging curiosity.

So if you have a thought, I would be so grateful to hear it. Thanks in advance.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is very normal. Everyone wants to knwo about the OM/OW. We all want to do what it was about them that was so great/different that our spouse decided to cheat with them.

You said OM texted your wife--my question is, why hasn't she blocked his #???? She can call up the phone company and have it done.


----------



## shockedandsad (Feb 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> This is very normal. Everyone wants to knwo about the OM/OW. We all want to do what it was about them that was so great/different that our spouse decided to cheat with them.
> 
> You said OM texted your wife--my question is, why hasn't she blocked his #???? She can call up the phone company and have it done.


No need to block his number, she changed her cell immediately after texting him in front of me from the old number telling him never to contact her again.


----------



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

I don't have experience with it but my own opinion would not to look him up. Of course curiousity is normal and natural... but if you are already thinking about it, almost obsessively, then I would think the best thing to do is not to dig deeper. The two of you are working through it together, in counseling, and she is remorseful. I believe all it will do is make it harder for you to move past it.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

What is most likely going to happen is you look him up, find out some details about him and start scratching your head wondering what the f*** could be so great about such a loser that your wife went through hoops to be with him.

It can actually end up expanding your confidence and making you feel sorry for your wife (which always helps in the forgiveness process).

Just look him up and limit your imagination (don't make movies in your head). If it was such a great thing, it wouldn't have ended.

Your wife is remorsefully back in your arms, so you have clearly won the battle.


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Personally, and not from this experience, just generally, I always find I want to be operating from a position of knowing everything. The worst information you can find out will come from your W though - sounds like you asked her those (size, sex) questions already. What more do you want to know?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If this will help you bring some closure then go for it.

Its been 2 years since d-day and having a good R, but I'm still here. Its been months since I looked at the evidence. 

I think you should look, why thingk about looking.....when you can get this out of the way and move on to another issue.....hopefully its not about her A.

But since we both think about our fWW affairs when ever there's a dule momment, then it might as well be a rotation of thoughts.


This is'nt a very healthy way but...........


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Why exactly do you want to look him up? What do you want to find out? What result are you wanting from this?

If it is just a picture could you have a trusted friend or even the counselor pull it up on screen so you can see it?

My thoughts are not based on being in your shoes. But I think probably you should wait for a while before deciding to look. Get some perspective. If it is some kind of emotional compulsion you will not be making a rational decision. So give it time.

I would put a lot of weight on your counselor's opinion since he knows you and your situation very well.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

if it was me I would want to look. purely so that if I ever came across them with my partner, ever bumped into them, found myself in the same space as them, I would know exactly who they were. and remove myself or them.


----------



## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

curiosity is a natural human trait, but be wary before you open pandoras box.


assess what kind of person you are, what you hope to gain with the information, and what you plan to do with it. because sometimes our curiosity can get the best of us. it can definitely heal or help you talk to your spouse, or it can do more damage.

it really is a two edged sword. 
but the fact that your spouse is remorseful should help ease the pain.

let me tell you a little of how helpful/unhelpful knowledge can be.

mind you my wife is still in the affair and fog.

i bugged her phone and got 5 months worth of texts, during and when i thought she had broken up with him.i gained insight into a few intimate details and to be honest it broke me down. one esp was about her commenting about his manhood and how big he was.

the other thing though was that i knew him. he worked with her, they had taken my and his kids on playdates.

and when my wife did break up with him a few times, when she had "moments of clarity", she was a free flowing well of information. and what made him special and such. but for any good, shed countered with 2 bad. 

but shes addicted hard. to the rush of the affair. 

shes tried to break away, only to get sucked back in.


but ill tell you another huge resource i had.

his soon to be ex wife.

weve kind have formed a business partnership of sourts and shes more then been able to answer anything i want to know...and i ask everything, i can tell you his dialy schedule. all his health problems. his weaknesses and his strenghts.
like he wears tightey whiteys and is allergic to eggs.
i can tell you the pattern of his realtionship with his ex (date/move in marriage) is following the exact same timeline with my wife.
you name it, i know it. 

it became a consuming obsession. it damaged who i was and what i though about myself, because i was trying to figure out why. and what she saw in him.

but at the same time its also help me reestablish who i am, and if we get back together, what i want to avoid
i learned that it wasnt him and really, he doenst have anything to offer her. that hes a cowardly mamas boy (lives 3 houses down and she does everything for him) i leanred he has no friends and just his family. that he bullies people into submission to get what he wants. i learned that hes a controlling manipulative *******.i leanred all that ans do much more.


has it help me heal. absolutley, and hopefully my wife will beable to put a closure on all i know but denouncing him at somepoint if shes remorseful.

but the last thing i also learned is that even tho hes 6'2" and im 5'7",

i can hang my head higher than him because i have honor and integrity.

so be careful of how much you want to know, because it can be a blessing and a a curse.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Remains said:


> if it was me I would want to look. purely so that if I ever came across them with my partner, ever bumped into them, found myself in the same space as them, I would know exactly who they were. and remove myself or them.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

shockedandsad said:


> I'm sure I'm not the first to say so, but I absolutely can't believe I am posting on here.
> 
> Don't think I need to get into too many details for the purpose of my question, but for a little context, I found out 4 months ago that my wife had a brief affair over a year ago. It was over almost as quickly as t started and she was not in touch with the OM at all. He texted her a few times over the course of the year but she did not respond. Anyway, we are working it out, going to counseling, she is incredible remorseful, and wishes it hadn't happened almost as much as I do I think.
> 
> ...


I have experience on this. I started googling his name. My wife had an EA (possibly PA) long ago and lost touch with him (more than 18 years ago. I found out about the EA (possibly PA) a year ago. She said he was smarter than me and more handsome. *I don't know how other males would think about this and respond.* 

I tracked him somewhere in US and we are physically far away from US. She is not in touch with him anymore.

She requested me not to get in touch with him through email etc, as she fears that it might cause trouble in his married life. *Any views?*

Initially, I got upset on learning about his physical features. Now, I dont care how he looked, as she says I am more caring than anyone in the world and she cant live without me.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

synthetic said:


> What is most likely going to happen is you look him up, find out some details about him and start scratching your head wondering what the f*** could be so great about such a loser that your wife went through hoops to be with him.


These things do happen without your will.



synthetic said:


> It can actually end up expanding your confidence and making you feel sorry for your wife (which always helps in the forgiveness process).


On the contrary, in due course of time, you will come out with head high for higher integrity and morals. She will feel remorseful.



synthetic said:


> Just look him up and limit your imagination (don't make movies in your head). If it was such a great thing, it wouldn't have ended.


It happens (mind movies) without our own volition.



synthetic said:


> Your wife is remorsefully back in your arms, so you have clearly won the battle.


Where was the battle for the BS? BS does not even know when the affair takes place.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i knew what my exw om looked like.
he made deliveries to where we worked.

i went to his house and left a note for his wife.

my exw wanted to know what his wife looked like, i guess for comparison.

i showed her a pick the om had on fb of his wife with their kids sitting by a christmas tree with her pvssy showing.
that way she could compare more than just the face.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i knew what my exw om looked like.
> he made deliveries to where we worked.
> 
> i went to his house and left a note for his wife.
> ...


:scratchhead:


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> :scratchhead:


i left VERY shortly after.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> I have experience on this. I started googling his name. My wife had an EA (possibly PA) long ago and lost touch with him (more than 18 years ago. I found out about the EA (possibly PA) a year ago. She said he was smarter than me and more handsome. *I don't know how other males would think about this and respond.*
> 
> I tracked him somewhere in US and we are physically far away from US. She is not in touch with him anymore.
> 
> ...


She cheated, trash talked you, and then tod you what you can and can't do,

And you are still married to her why?

Frankly I believe in doing all possible things to hurt the happiness of the AP, especially their marriage. If you sh1t ian my garden, I will be sure to leave something in yours. It's partially payback, but it also a declaration to the WS and the AP that there ware and will be consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> She requested me not to get in touch with him through email etc, as she fears that it might cause trouble in his married life. *Any views?*


Red Flag. *WHY* is she still protecting him? This indicates she still has feelings for him. What about your marriage? Did the OM ever suffer any consequences?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I still look up OM on occasion out of curiosity. I use:

Pipl - People Search

Free People Search | People Search | Search For People At PeekYou

Spokeo People Search | White Pages | Find People

People Search by ZabaSearch - Free People Search Engine

People Finders by PeopleData is Free


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I looked up info on the EA partner. I'm glad I did it and would do it again.

IF I had been watching my guy's FB wall, I would have noticed the increase in postings from her and the way she related some entries back to her "thanks for giving me something to read on my way to a work appt."

From his e-mails, I could see that she knew a lot about me. The first time my guy mentioned her to me, I played it cool and didn't ask many follow up questions. They say that's the thing to do, act as if these things are not important. That can kill a relationship as much as anything else. Sometimes a dalliance can be a cry for attention.

I also liked knowing things about her to figure out where she fit in in my guy's life. The better to make sure this won't happen again. She is about as opposite of me --looks and personality wise -- as you can get.

Yes, I would do it again. Yes, I look at his FB wall regularly.


----------

