# please suggest



## strength (Dec 30, 2009)

Hello friends, 

i dont know whether this forum can help or not but i decided to give it a try!

so my story is My marrige is arranged one, in between two large family, at the time of marrige everybody was so happy, i thought my husband loves me a lot. we spended 5 months gossiping on phone and chat 24*7. i got engeged and problem started. it was a disput over money in between his and my mother. when i got marride he used to stay out till 1-2am, and things became worst. negligible physical relation lets say once a month, there was 0 communication, all of the sudden he started saying there is no chemistry in between us. just after 4 months i got proof of his infidelity, many naked photographs and videos. many of then taken before and after marriage. i coulden't control my emotion and my anger blew out on whole two families. i went to my own house. meanwhile boy said sorry many times to my family but never came to me, i spent several month on sleeping pills and injections. still elderly people convinced me to give 2nd try to this marriage. i came back after a year, now he and his family is not ready to accept me because i told it to relatives. the boy says that he went out because my voice is bit kiddish, my dressing sence is not good, and i keep soft toys on bed. i know all claims are funny. but........except the boy and his parents all other people loves and cares for me. According to my family and friends i am very beautiful, highly educated. i know divorce is the option and i am gonna win, but it will spoil many lifes, i wanna make things better, life is too short to fight all the time.............................what to do i am confused, i need a good brainwash plz help.


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

I get a distinct feeling that either you are in or from India. If so, let us know so that we can advise accordingly. Indian Social dynamics are a lot different than American.


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## strength (Dec 30, 2009)

yes i m north indian.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

Even in North India there are different views on marriage/infidelity depending on region and religion. Do you live in North India? What has your parents said about your husband and in-laws not accepting you back?

Along with the rising rate of divorce in India, I know that marriage counseling is also on the rise. Even if he does not accept counseling, it might be something you can look into. If you are in North India, New Delhi is one city large enough to have many counselors, maybe some who can help you through email or skype if you are too far away? It seems your in-laws are not too happy about you discussing problems with others. You can get counseling without them knowing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He tried to blame YOU for him cheating. You know that's wrong. And will only get worse if you stay with him.

I know several families from India, here in the US, and I have to admit that several of the men simply believe they have the right to cheat, and it's the woman's duty to just accept it, because they are the man. Very infuriating. More infuriating to me that the women accept it.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> He tried to blame YOU for him cheating. You know that's wrong. And will only get worse if you stay with him.
> 
> I know several families from India, here in the US, and I have to admit that several of the men simply believe they have the right to cheat, and it's the woman's duty to just accept it, because they are the man. Very infuriating. More infuriating to me that the women accept it.


I share in your frustration of women accepting infidelity/abuse in men, but we should be sensitive to the fact that there are still too many places in the world where the consequences of not accepting infidelity, or abuse from a husband, can be detrimental for the woman. 

While I don't think OP will be physically harmed, like other woman can be in the area she comes from; I do think she has to weigh social and cultural consequences to her actions. She might not have the economic and emotional support we do in America. Although, it is there, in the Indian governmental infrastructure, it isn't quite all that acceptable culturally.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I realize that. I also believe, however, that if one lives in an environment that is harmful, one should have the ability to consider leaving that environment.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> I realize that. I also believe, however, that if one lives in an environment that is harmful, one should have the ability to consider leaving that environment.


YES! I believe that too, but not every woman has that luxury. Hopefully she can find someone to help her weigh her options and find a course of action that will be appropriate to her situation, whatever that may be. Still don't know what region or religious background she's from.


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## BigB (Jul 4, 2010)

Correct whatever is wrong in my observations

1. You are in India.
2. You are from a business class family either a Punjabi or Marwari. If you are a Muslim the dynamics will change drastically. 
3. You are educated and yet deeply bound by the family honor and society thingie. 
4. You are not currently in job and have never held one, as yet.

Did you have a talk about your husband's infidelity with your parents? Their stand on the whole matter is crucial. 

I see that you want to make this marriage work and are getting no support from your husband or his family. You say that they have blamed you for outing the whole episode to the relatives. What are they saying exactly? Are they saying that they want you out of the house? Are they making you suffer by neglecting you or over burdening you with work? Are they insulting you in front of servants? 

I am asking so many questions because before we start to tell you how to mend this relationship we need to know the state of mind of the parties involved. Unlike America, India has a "family marriage" where parents of the boy are actively involved in the household and in the marriage. The state of mind and major statements of the parents will also be necessary. 

Hang around. We are here to help!


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## strength (Dec 30, 2009)

hey friends, thanks for your support.
i am well educated and working, infact financially well settled. i am at good position.

i am hindu. family is also educated but from village.

nobody pressurize me but their suggestions confuse me a lot.

yes family respact is big issue for me.

nobody torture me but emotionally yes inlaws dont talk to me, and want me to leave.

why it happens that when you talk to your husband privately about it he never listen, when i blasted he got angry and want me to leave. why i only suffer in both cases.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, this will be about you and setting your own boundaries.


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