# What's your attachment style? Your Partner's?



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

There are 4 attachment styles when it comes to our closest relationships. Which one is yours? Which one sounds like you partner? 

Secure:*“Being close is easy!”
Anxious-preoccupied:*“I want to be emotionally intimate with people, but they don’t want to be with me!”
Dismissive-avoidant:*“I’d rather not depend on others or have others depend on me!”
Fearful-avoidant:*“I want to be close, but what if I get hurt?”

Secures are estimated to be 50% of adults. Dismisive-avoidants are 25%. Anxious-preoccupieds are about 20% and Fearful-avoidants are estimated at 5%. In the older dating pool more adults are Dismissive-avoidant as they can be the most difficult to deal with in terms of close relationships. Secures tend to settle into relationships and are harder to find in the older dating population. 

What are your thoughts on attachment styles? Does it give you insight into the dynamics at play in current or previous relationships?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Here's a link to a test to find out your attachment style:

http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/romancequiz.htm


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Fearful-avoidant" here! No question about it!

But I do have my rationale for being that way!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

I read that secure people are very good at reading others and hence why they have success when dealing with others. 

Mine scored anxious-preoccupied which sounds right to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *"Fearful-avoidant" here! No question about it!
> 
> But I do have my rationale for being that way!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's the rationale?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> What's the rationale?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Well, for beginners, how about my rich, skanky XW(RSXW)? 

But the test revealed the very same projected characteristics about me!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Personal said:


> So knowing this about yourself, what will you do with this information?


I will work on myself and hope to improve myself from anxious insecure to just secure. I always knew I had anxiety towards relationships but this information gives a clear view of my bad habits and how to correct them. I also feel it gives me more clarity on the current state of my marriage and how to know whether it can improve with work and time or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Well, for beginners, how about my rich, skanky XW(RSXW)?
> 
> But the test revealed the very same projected characteristics about me!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That you are fearful-avoidant? Be careful, apparently fearfuls can become dismissives after further suffering. Nothing wrong with that if you like being alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jmiller2020 (Sep 3, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> Personal said:
> 
> 
> > So knowing this about yourself, what will you do with this information?
> ...


I think it's incredible that you shared this insight and are open to undergoing some changes in order to feel secure to attach.

I do a lot of attachment work in my practice and have seen and experienced clients changing their attachment style. 

You need one partner to model what secure attachment looks like and have them allow you to securely attach and basically voila you have a solid relationship.

It takes a long time but it can be done

Again thanks for sharing, it's such a good reminder and good place for people to start before considering a romantic relationship.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

jmiller2020 said:


> I think it's incredible that you shared this insight and are open to undergoing some changes in order to feel secure to attach.
> 
> I do a lot of attachment work in my practice and have seen and experienced clients changing their attachment style.
> 
> ...


I wish I had known this all more fully before marriage. I knew I had issues and I tried to pick a husband who I thought was secure so I could have a model to base my corrections on. It turns out my husband is more or less a dismissive-avoidant and we really rub each other the wrong way. I want to go to individual therapy to make myself secure and see if that could help him become secure or at least help me move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> That you are fearful-avoidant? Be careful, apparently fearfuls can become dismissives after further suffering. Nothing wrong with that if you like being alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*What's exactly the difference between a "fearful" and a "dismissive?"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luculentfrag (Oct 13, 2015)

It takes a long time but it can be done


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## karazy (Aug 31, 2015)

Took the test through the link provided above and I'm securely attached .

<div align="center">
<a href="http://psychcentral.com/romancequiz.htm">
<img src="http://psychcentral.com/images/romance_secure.gif" 
alt="I'm secure and happy in my relationships." width="200"
height="90" border="0"></a></div>


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> Your romantic attachment style: Secure and Happy
> 
> You have described yourself as securely attached. This means that you are likely to have happier relationships and be better able to sustain commitments than people who have an insecure attachment style.
> 
> You are likely to have more positive emotional experiences and to be more happy and outgoing in interpersonal relationships. You will be more likely to express what you really feel. You are more likely to be able to depend on others when it is appropriate, and yet able to function autonomously in your own sphere when that is appropriate. You are also more likely to raise children who themselves will have a secure attachment style.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cecezakat said:


> There are 4 attachment styles when it comes to our closest relationships. Which one is yours? Which one sounds like you partner?
> 
> *Secure:*“Being close is easy!”*
> Anxious-preoccupied:*“I want to be emotionally intimate with people, but they don’t want to be with me!”
> ...


I got the "Secure & Happy" ...my husband has always made this easy for me, the "being close", he's very warm, inviting, never one to push away. 

When answering these questions though.. it could have been a whole different response if I was single & had past difficult relationships where the guy didn't treat me with care, not taking the time, showing emotional closeness, want of us... too many of those & anyone would start to wonder.. is it *me* or is all men like this? 



> *Cecezakat said*: I wish I had known this all more fully before marriage. I knew I had issues and I tried to pick a husband who I thought was secure so I could have a model to base my corrections on. It turns out my husband is more or less a dismissive-avoidant and we really rub each other the wrong way. I want to go to individual therapy to make myself secure and see if that could help him become secure or at least help me move on.


You said you had "issues" here...I'd say everyone has  something  they bring into the relationship that they could use some growing on...it's helpful when both parties are at least self aware & care to work at finding/ being their best selves ...

I did this post the other day touching on that..



> Anon1111 said:
> 
> 
> > I think the romantic love thing is tricky.
> ...


Back to your post Cecezakat ...... I think anyone could find themselves in this situation when a couple is not compatible though...we can rub each other the wrong way!... So much of this IS dependent on whom we are with, if we are compatible in affection, time, etc... A few mismatches and it can hamper our attachment response in a bad way -as to protect ourselves from future heartache.

I was thinking about this sort of thing today even.. watching our sons with their GF's.... 3rd son doesn't like too clingy.. he needs his space... we even had a conversation in the car earlier about this....his Girlfriend is very very affectionate & will sometimes get upset when he is too busy, she feels she puts in more effort ... 

I feel for her.. I understand where she is coming from...this son is different from his dad.. Not sure how it's going to play out.. outside of this issue.. they get along REALLY WELL... when it's good, it's GREAT... but this could be what divides then in the future.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

My attachment style is cool and dismissive, which I agree with. The only thing I don't agree with, the site listed the below as possible problems/issues, which I would say every one of them is wrong lol. I am guessing they are just general issues listed by the site since it seems to contradict the cool/dismissive style.



> Your partner may complain that you are too possessive or clingy
> Relationships may feel frightening
> Relationships may consume a large amount of emotional energy for both you and your partner. This amounts to time spent maintaining the relationship rather than growing the relationship
> You may be overly preoccupied with your relationship


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *What's exactly the difference between a "fearful" and a "dismissive?"*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A fearful avoids emotional closeness because of a fear of being hurt but still has a desire to be close to others. A dismissive values their independence and space and has decided that he doesn't need to be close to others; he views it as weak and unneccessary. However a dismissive still does have a suppressed need for intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> My attachment style is cool and dismissive, which I agree with. The only thing I don't agree with, the site listed the below as possible problems/issues, which I would say every one of them is wrong lol. I am guessing they are just general issues listed by the site since it seems to contradict the cool/dismissive style.


You are right, this description is about an anxious preoccupied not a dismissive. There must be an error with it. A dismissive comes across as the opposite of clingy. They fiercely guard their space and independence in close relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> A fearful avoids emotional closeness because of a fear of being hurt but stillnhas a desire to be close to others. A dismissive values their independence and space and has decided that he doesn't need to be close to others; he views it as weak and inneccessary. However a dismissive still does have a suppressed need for intimacy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Thanks for the clarification! Given that, I remain a card-carrying "fearful!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I got the "Secure & Happy" ...my husband has always made this easy for me, the "being close", he's very warm, inviting, never one to push away.
> 
> When answering these questions though.. it could have been a whole different response if I was single & had past difficult relationships where the guy didn't treat me with care, not taking the time, showing emotional closeness, want of us... too many of those & anyone would start to wonder.. is it *me* or is all men like this?
> 
> ...


You hit the nail on the head. Even a secure person can become insecure because of their relationship experiences. Stress also brings out insecurities in all of us but some of us start of from a good secure family and others start off insecure because of their childhood relationships with their primary caregivers. A secure person can help model secure behavior for an insecure partner and over time help them learn healthy relationship skills. But a very insecure partner can also drag a secure partner down. For example an anxious preoccupied left unchecked can cause an otherwise secure partner to behave like a dismissive-avoidant. And a dismissive-avoidant can lead a secure into behaving like an anxious-preoccupied. 

Your son's gf sounds like a typical anxious-preoccupied, being jealous of his time away from her, worrying that she cares more about him and their relationship than he does... And your son seems to be responding to her behavior by emphasizing his value for space and independence. All secures have a balance between autonomy and emotional intimacy. This gf is bringing her insecurities to the relationship and leading your son to counter react. She needs to stop these insecure behaviors before it ruins their relationship or brings out an insecure side to your son. 

Anxious-preoccupieds are very affectionate and empathetic but bring a lot of issues into the relationship. They worry constantly about the state of the relationship, they rely on others for validation and lack an internal support system for handling stress. They are fearful of their partner abandoning them or not truly caring as much as they do. They often play games to try to control their partner in order to get the response they want and usually are overly suspicious their partner is cheating or will cheat. They are best paired with a secure partner but these issues have to be recognized by both as unhealthy behaviors that need to be corrected. If not then the relationship will fall apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cecezakat said:


> You are right, this description is about an anxious preoccupied not a dismissive. There must be an error with it. A dismissive comes across as the opposite of clingy. They fiercely guard their space and independence in close relationships.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah when reading Ellis's post...something was terribly wrong... I was saying "WHAT [email protected]#"

Interesting thread topic.... here is one that lists 5... they are a little different...











Even if a parenting style lacked though... we can find healing later in life.. so many variables:

What our inborn love languages are, to how we are treated/ influenced by others ...it could have started out good (loving parents)... then we lost ourselves in bad relationships... or found ourselves after bad parenting.. .

So much to say about healthy communication skills, seeking to be more self aware in relationships...

Or certain personality disorders, depression, etc... these can hinder our attachment even with the most loving of parents, or spouses even.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Back to your post Cecezakat ...... I think anyone could find themselves in this situation when a couple is not compatible though...we can rub each other the wrong way!... So much of this IS dependent on whom we are with, if we are compatible in affection, time, etc... A few mismatches and it can hamper our attachment response in a bad way -as to protect ourselves from future heartache.


My husband and I were both insecure in our relationship due to childhood experiences. Neither of us had any prior relationship experience either. Our childhood dramas are replaying in our marriage. My husband has been so hurt by our issues that he has mentally aligned himself with a dismissive avoidant. This has made our problems worse in the sense that we are stuck in a standstill because a dismissive doesn't care enough about intimacy to work through problems. They quickly check out. I still have hope for us that me working alone on my insecurities can help to reverse the damage that's been done. I can still see the side of him that wants to be close to others; he's just so jaded and bitter right now. I hope he can trust people and relationships again some day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even if a parenting style lacked though... we can find healing later in life.. so many variables:
> 
> What our inborn love languages are, to how we are treated/ influenced by others ...it could have started out good (loving parents)... then we lost ourselves in bad relationships... or found ourselves after bad parenting.. .
> 
> ...


Spot on.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

Cool and Dismissive....Eh.......


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My result: Secure and Happy

Seems right.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I took the quiz and I got Secure and Happy too


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