# Need advice about spouse wanting to leave



## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

going to try to make this as short as possible while still giving important details...

last week my husband broke down and told he was no longer happy with our marriage. Now, we have had a rough past few years. We have been together for 9 years, married for almost 6. no kids, just animals. He took a job a few years back that requires him to work 7 days a week. He can ask for weekends off, but sometimes get denied. hubby says he doesnt mind his job although I feel the monotony of it has really taken a toll on the both of us. he makes great money, great benefits, cadillac insurance, the whole bit. however, this has caused a tremendous amount of boredom and neediness on my part because I never see him. I even quit my job last year (for a few reasons, but mainly to be able to see him more)so that I could find a job that allowed me to see him more often, as he is a second shifter. 

I do have emotional issues that stemmed from childhood. and they do interfere with our marriage. I have been seeing a counselor for them, as well as going together for marital counseling, since his first small "coming out" that he was having doubts last summer after I quit my job. I have made huge progress with my anxiety and depression, and even he says he has seen me make huge strides....

fast forward to last week, the breakdown- he is unhappy with me. I nag, I smother him, I make him feel guilty for wanting to hang out with his friends after work, I snap at him for the smallest things, etc. etc. He made sure to point out every difference we have as far as interests, hobbies, etc., which i admit, we have both grown and changed as people, and even though some of our interests have changed somewhat, we do still have similar interests. But according to him we are incompatible because of those changes. when he is home, his time is spent sleeping, immersed in his phone or the tv. I get no quality time with him. I don't get my needs met, hence why I have been nagging. I know, vicious cycle. long story short, he agreed to stick around and give it another shot. he's been checked out of the marriage for a while and says that I'll have to be patient with him to "check back in" but is scared that it won't come back for him. we both sought counseling on our own accords (he surprisingly went on his own, no push from me). 

After my counseling appointment we sat down to establish what he wanted from me- he said he didn't want us to separate, he didnt mind me sleeping in the same bed, he really didn't want much to change, but said he's just going to be emotionally unavailable for a while until he can get his emotions in order, and that I would just have to accept it. 

I've gone through the stage of denial, shock, complete sadness, crying....to now anger. when we first started dating, and before he proposed, we lived together. he knew i had anxiety issues, he knew that I was an introvert, he knew everything about me and accepted me for who I was. now I feel disposable. even through these last few rough years of not only him but me not having my needs met, I still love and adore him. 

since the bomb, I have not nagged once. I have talked to him kindly, I stay quiet when he's not being very nice, I have even "put myself out there" for intimacy (because that has lacked, tremendously) and we have been intimate a few times the last week but he also rejected me more than he accepted. I have been doing things that he enjoys even though I dont (hes a huge tv watcher, i am not, I've made it a point to sit down and watch with him).

He has started coming back around - a kiss here, a hug there, started calling me by my pet name again- but still wont say I love you. as a matter of fact, most of his communication with me has been almost like hes talking to a buddy and not his wife. I guess my question is- should I give him some space and ghost for awhile? If he sees me as needy I don't want to be around so much. Should I take these little signs as he's starting to come around? am I setting myself up for heartbreak? I'm really hurt and want this marriage more than anything, and I am so disappointed in both of us for letting it get this bad....


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's not going to be fixed overnight. Keep doing what your doing. Keep hanging out, doing things together, initiating sex. He'll come around in time. And when he does, perhaps he'll start meeting your needs as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's still there so that's good because it makes it far more possible to fix things. 

Now how do you fix things? Here are some books to read. 

The first two are for you to read.

*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* by Michele Weiner-Davis

*The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands* Laura Schlessinger 

The next two are for the two of you to read and work through. Read them in the order listed. However, I suggest that you read them first as this will help you figure out what to do. Then, after you have read them, ask him to read them with you and do the work they suggest together.

*"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs" *

See the links in my signature block below to find the books.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now, I have some questions to help get a better picture of things.

How old are the two of you?

How many hour a week does he work? Does he really have to work 7 days a week? What industry allows this?

When you were working, what percentage of your joint income did you earn?

Do you have any intent to go back to work at any time?

To get more time with him, is it at all possible for you to go to where he works with dinner? Or to just spend some break time with him?

One thing you really need to do through all this is to focus a lot on taking care of yourself. It really is essential that you do this. What sort of things do you do now for yourself? Do you have friends and family that you do things with? What kind of a support system do you have?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This whole thing is EXTREMELY one-sided.

It's all about *him* threatening to leave you and you suddenly jumping through hoops like a trained seal, desperately doing anything you can to keep him from leaving.

How long can you keep this charade up before you start growing weary - and *more* importantly, RESENTFUL - of pandering to him 24/7? Because you will. That's a promise.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This whole thing is EXTREMELY one-sided.
> 
> It's all about *him* threatening to leave you and you suddenly jumping through hoops like a trained seal, desperately doing anything you can to keep him from leaving.
> 
> How long can you keep this charade up before you start growing weary - and *more* importantly, RESENTFUL - of pandering to him 24/7? Because you will. That's a promise.


:iagree:

This looks like a very shaky dynamic to me, OP. 

While a "soft start up," as marriage researcher John Gottman calls it, can be helpful for initiating difficult discussions with a husband (from Gottman's research findings: Relationship Fights - YouBeauty.com), eventually issues have to be looked at. And that can be painful.

Has your counselor discussed the possibility of life without your husband at all? 

Any of us can lose a spouse at any time, not only through divorce, but through unexpected death. Learning to independently shore ourselves up and developing coping strategies to deal with life on our own, whatever happens in life, can prove helpful.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This is fishy, OP.

Have you checked your phone bill? Are you sure there is not another woman?

Did he avoid confrontation?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What does your counselor say about the situation?

My take from the little bit you've posted is that you are not getting what you need out of this relationship. Despite whatever good qualities he had which attracted you in the first place, and for whatever reasons along the way, this marriage has become a very unhappy place for you. He doesn't have to be a terrible person for your marriage to not work.

He is who he is, and you are who you are. If it turns out you two are not compatible in a marriage, it just is what it is. If you end the marriage it does not make either one of you a bad person or a failure. Ultimately you will both be ok if it comes to that, though I hope it doesn't.

I think you should set a relatively short timeline to see very strong changes in the marriage. Maybe 3 months. I would talk to your counselor about recommending a marriage counselor, and I would discuss whether it makes sense for your current counselor to discuss (confidentially) with the MC about whatever your individual issues are. Idk if that is common or smart, just throwing it out there as something to ask your counselor about.

I think you need a lot more guidance than we can provide or that even a book can provide. The reason is that it will take two of you working on it to make the marriage work. You can't do it alone, and you cannot do his part for him. MC will provide a structure and accountability. It will also make it clear quickly if he is willing and able to make the efforts necessary.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

I am pretty sure there isn't another woman. I pay all the bills and so he knows I have access to the phone bill. also, I feel like he would have revealed this to our therapist when he went one on one with him.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Thor said:


> What does your counselor say about the situation?
> 
> My take from the little bit you've posted is that you are not getting what you need out of this relationship. Despite whatever good qualities he had which attracted you in the first place, and for whatever reasons along the way, this marriage has become a very unhappy place for you. He doesn't have to be a terrible person for your marriage to not work.
> 
> ...


Our counselor is a marriage counselor. he is working with us on getting our foundation back online and getting him "checked back in" so to speak. I feel like we made a little progress on friday while we were there together, I did admit to some problems I had and husband said he wanted to work on getting checked back into the marriage. He went out last night with some coworkers for some drinks, and today has been really awkward. my grandparents have dinner at their house every sunday and its a ritual that we go. When we got up this morning he had asked if we were going, and I wasnt too keen on it since i am feeling under the weather, but he gave me the impression that he wanted to go, so I agreed to. the entire time we were there, he completely ignored me. was very quiet, talked with my family some and played with the kids some but stayed pretty much reserved. didn't attempt to even sit close to me at lunch, even though both chairs were open next to me. I decided I was going to take off because we had to drive separate so he could go to work from there, we got out to our car and I went to get in my car and he stood there and said "okay, i guess bye?" like he wanted a hug. I said "well, you've kinda been giving me the impression you were wanting to stay away from me all day.." he said "no i wasnt" and gave me a hug and kiss. ????? what the H***? i gave him his space last night, I never texted him once to see when he was going to be home, I didn't wait up for him, I just let him be, which is what he has been wanting. I'm so frustrated.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This looks like a very shaky dynamic to me, OP.
> 
> ...


I do feel like we are having trouble "starting back up". I walk on eggshells as to not make him mad for fear he will say "I'm done".


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Now, I have some questions to help get a better picture of things.
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> ...


I am 33, he is 30. he works 8 hours a day (3-11pm) 7 days a week. he can ask for weekends off, but they have to be approved, and sometimes his requests get denied. it is a very well known company. When i was previously working at my original job, I was making less than half what he makes, currently I am working part time (asking for more hours) and I make even less than that now. I can't be with him at his breaks. I can stand outside the gates and bring him lunch, but thats about it. Even if I did bring him lunch, at this point i fear he would think I'm just trying to smother him more. I'm just frustrated because He says he wants to check back into this marriage, but he has not done ONE thing to help. I have done all the changing, the tip toeing, I have spent many hours watching pointless tv with him because thats what he enjoys, I have not said an unkind word to him since he dropped the bomb. I have owned up to all my mistakes that have created the situation we are in and have already begun making the necessary changes to make things better.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This whole thing is EXTREMELY one-sided.
> 
> It's all about *him* threatening to leave you and you suddenly jumping through hoops like a trained seal, desperately doing anything you can to keep him from leaving.
> 
> How long can you keep this charade up before you start growing weary - and *more* importantly, RESENTFUL - of pandering to him 24/7? Because you will. That's a promise.


Yes, this is what I fear. I can't keep this charade up much longer. it would be less difficult if I saw that he was making efforts to check back in like he said he wants to. I don't know whether to just let him be and let him come around, go about my life like I can handle it all and maybe he will see the changes I am making. The last thing I want to do is beg and force him to be a husband, but at the same time the thought of losing him is more than I can bear.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> I do feel like we are having trouble "starting back up". I walk on eggshells as to not make him mad for fear he will say "I'm done".


Do you have a plan for if he does say he is done? Has the counselor discussed this with you at all?

I understand that even thinking about this may be painful. But the unexpected has a way of happening in life. It can be reassuring to be prepared, to the extent that is possible.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> This is fishy, OP.
> 
> Have you checked your phone bill? Are you sure there is not another woman?
> 
> Did he avoid confrontation?


My intuition tells me there isnt another woman. I have access to the phone bill and he knows I have checked it in the past, but no i have not checked in recently. 

what do you mean did he avoid confrontation? you mean about telling me he wasn't happy? He said he had been putting off telling me because he knew it would hurt me. He said that he had just been bottling it all up inside for so long that he had to get it off his chest. He said that last thing he wanted to do was to break my heart, and it was killing him to think that what he had to say would hurt me. (this was all during the bomb drop, as he was sobbing uncontrollably). also, I feel like he would have told our therapist in his private session with him. the therapist was pretty convinced that we could make things work, and I am pretty sure that he had asked my husband if there was another woman when they were one on one. for the record, I do not check his phone or his email. I have given him his privacy because in the past i was very nosy, due to a bad experience in a previous relationship. this made him angry, making him feel like he was not a trustworthy person, so I decided that I would stop that behavior, and haven't checked anything of his in a few years.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> Do you have a plan for if he does say he is done? Has the counselor discussed this with you at all?
> 
> I understand that even thinking about this may be painful. But the unexpected has a way of happening in life. It can be reassuring to be prepared, to the extent that is possible.


He did say that if something happened, he would be the one to leave, and I would stay at the house, until we worked out divorce plans. I have no idea how any of that works....If we were to divorce, I could not afford the house on my own, unless he bought me out or something like that. I have a few family members that have been through a recent divorce, including my parents, so I know i would have plenty of help figuring it out if it came to that.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> He did say that if something happened, he would be the one to leave, and I would stay at the house, until we worked out divorce plans. I have no idea how any of that works....If we were to divorce, I could not afford the house on my own, unless he bought me out or something like that. I have a few family members that have been through a recent divorce, including my parents, so I know i would have plenty of help figuring it out if it came to that.


Would you feel comfortable talking to your parents, and perhaps his, about your marital situation right now, to hear their thoughts and any possible advice on it?


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> Would you feel comfortable talking to your parents, and perhaps his, about your marital situation right now, to hear their thoughts and any possible advice on it?


funny you should ask that, because I am headed to his parents house later for dinner and was uncertain whether or not to bring it up. his mom called me earlier and invited me to dinner at their place with them and their daughter and future son in law. we have dinner there occasionally on sunday evenings and even though hubby is at work , they still invite me. 

My mom knows, and she has only offered me support as far and the changes I am making. she hopes for the best for us, and supports me in whatever happens. I didnt want to tell her because I didn't want family to get involved, but I was so heartbroken I feel like I needed my mom. I dont think that his parents know what is going on, although I could be wrong. we both know that we dont like getting parents involved because they become too nosy and take sides, etc. but I'm not sure how this is going to go. I feel like If i told her, my husband would be mad. If she already knows, then maybe I will let her know my side of the story and maybe let her know that I'm still for staying married and making things work. what would you suggest??


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> funny you should ask that, because I am headed to his parents house later for dinner and was uncertain whether or not to bring it up. his mom called me earlier and invited me to dinner at their place with them and their daughter and future son in law. we have dinner there occasionally on sunday evenings and even though hubby is at work , they still invite me.
> 
> My mom knows, and she has only offered me support as far and the changes I am making. she hopes for the best for us, and supports me in whatever happens. I didnt want to tell her because I didn't want family to get involved, but I was so heartbroken I feel like I needed my mom. I dont think that his parents know what is going on, although I could be wrong. we both know that we dont like getting parents involved because they become too nosy and take sides, etc. but I'm not sure how this is going to go. I feel like If i told her, my husband would be mad. If she already knows, then maybe I will let her know my side of the story and maybe let her know that I'm still for staying married and making things work. what would you suggest??


Well, it is certainly up to you, as you are the one who best knows your situation and your and his parents. But I would consider telling them. 

Parents usually have a lot invested in their kids, and normally adore and want the best for their grandkids. If they could help in any way, I bet they would.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not trying to be the thought police here, but he doesn't necessary need an active other woman to convince him he wants out.
He could just be admiring one from afar, and thinking that the alternative is better than what he is currently dealing with.

In other words, he may not be cheating, but his mind may still be wandering. Even that may be enough to convince him that he's done.

Grass is greener... etc.

Just a thought.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

naturepeacelove said:


> I am 33, he is 30. he works 8 hours a day (3-11pm) 7 days a week. he can ask for weekends off, but they have to be approved, and sometimes his requests get denied. it is a very well known company. When i was previously working at my original job, I was making less than half what he makes, currently I am working part time (asking for more hours) and I make even less than that now. I can't be with him at his breaks. I can stand outside the gates and bring him lunch, but thats about it. Even if I did bring him lunch, at this point i fear he would think I'm just trying to smother him more. I'm just frustrated because He says he wants to check back into this marriage, but he has not done ONE thing to help. I have done all the changing, the tip toeing, I have spent many hours watching pointless tv with him because thats what he enjoys, I have not said an unkind word to him since he dropped the bomb. I have owned up to all my mistakes that have created the situation we are in and have already begun making the necessary changes to make things better.




Are you sure he HAS to work 7 days a week? If this is in the US, well known company, great benefits it is unlikely any employer forces employees to work with no days off except for short periods of time. Sounds like a plant worker if he is working shift and place is gated. 

Are you sure he is at work every day?

Maybe his other woman works with him.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Are you sure he HAS to work 7 days a week? If this is in the US, well known company, great benefits it is unlikely any employer forces employees to work with no days off except for short periods of time. Sounds like a plant worker if he is working shift and place is gated.
> 
> Are you sure he is at work every day?
> 
> Maybe his other woman works with him.


I am 150% positive. his dad has worked there for 40 years and his brother works there also. i also see his check stubs. and yes when you get hired in you basically know you are selling your soul. his dad worked 7 days a week all his childhood. but like I said, the pay and benefits are out of this world great. like i stated, he can ask for the weekend, most of the time when he does, they only let him take sunday because its a double time day. I have been told from other people that work there that the selection of women there isnt all that great, so Im not worried its someone at work. I dont think its another woman at all, there may be a longing for another woman possibly, but not anything past that....again I could be wrong, but my intuition has always been sharp.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> Well, it is certainly up to you, as you are the one who best knows your situation and your and his parents. But I would consider telling them.
> 
> Parents usually have a lot invested in their kids, and normally adore and want the best for their grandkids. If they could help in any way, I bet they would.


well, i spilled the beans to his parents, only because they had asked how he was doing and I lost it. i made his mom cry, and she definitely didnt seem to want to take a side. she said she knows its not all one person's fault and that she knows her son can be hard to handle sometimes. she said not to be afraid to talk to her if i need to vent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

naturepeacelove said:


> I am 33, he is 30. he works 8 hours a day (3-11pm) 7 days a week. he can ask for weekends off, but they have to be approved, and sometimes his requests get denied. it is a very well known company. When i was previously working at my original job, I was making less than half what he makes, currently I am working part time (asking for more hours) and I make even less than that now. I can't be with him at his breaks. I can stand outside the gates and bring him lunch, but thats about it. Even if I did bring him lunch, at this point i fear he would think I'm just trying to smother him more. I'm just frustrated because He says he wants to check back into this marriage, but he has not done ONE thing to help. I have done all the changing, the tip toeing, I have spent many hours watching pointless tv with him because thats what he enjoys, I have not said an unkind word to him since he dropped the bomb. I have owned up to all my mistakes that have created the situation we are in and have already begun making the necessary changes to make things better.


I don’t think that it is legal for any employer in the USA to demand that someone work over time every week, every year. 

There have been law suits over this and the employees win.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> well, i spilled the beans to his parents, only because they had asked how he was doing and I lost it. i made his mom cry, and she definitely didnt seem to want to take a side. she said she knows its not all one person's fault and that she knows her son can be hard to handle sometimes. she said not to be afraid to talk to her if i need to vent.


(((npl)))

I think it is very good you opened up to them. I am sure they will do all they can to help. 

In fact, did they offer to talk to him?


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I don’t think that it is legal for any employer in the USA to demand that someone work over time every week, every year.
> 
> There have been law suits over this and the employees win.


Well, I'm not sure then how they are getting away with it...there must be loopholes or something. he is in a union. but it is a thing there. Like I had stated before- he can fill out a waiver to get the weekends off, but they can also deny him. usually when he asks for a weekend off they only give him sunday. his dad has worked there like this for the last 40 years. his brother works there also.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

naturepeacelove said:


> Well, I'm not sure then how they are getting away with it...there must be loopholes or something. he is in a union. but it is a thing there. Like I had stated before- he can fill out a waiver to get the weekends off, but they can also deny him. usually when he asks for a weekend off they only give him sunday. his dad has worked there like this for the last 40 years. his brother works there also.




So his dad worked 40 years with no routine days off? I don't believe that. Unless it was by choice. 

I know guys that work every possible available hour offered. Overtime and double time is great. Some just didn't want to spend time with their wives. I suspect the latter.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> (((npl)))
> 
> I think it is very good you opened up to them. I am sure they will do all they can to help.
> 
> In fact, did they offer to talk to him?


no not really, I kinda told them that he would be upset he knew, they said they wouldnt say anything and not to be afraid to go to them to vent. that its safe for me to talk to them.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> So his dad worked 40 years with no routine days off? I don't believe that. Unless it was by choice.
> 
> I know guys that work every possible available hour offered. Overtime and double time is great. Some just didn't want to spend time with their wives. I suspect the latter.


I respect your right not to believe that, but I'm not going to waste time convincing. the fact is , as unbelievable as it sounds, its true.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

naturepeacelove said:


> I am pretty sure there isn't another woman. I pay all the bills and so he knows I have access to the phone bill. also, I feel like he would have revealed this to our therapist when he went one on one with him.


*Would he perchance have a burner phone at his disposal?*


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > I am pretty sure there isn't another woman. I pay all the bills and so he knows I have access to the phone bill. also, I feel like he would have revealed this to our therapist when he went one on one with him.
> ...


I highly doubt he even knows what that is. I could be wrong, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I just don't see him saying he wants to try to work it out if he had a thing for someone else. I'm not saying it's impossible, but unlikely. I have even asked him if he needs me to back off, sleep somewhere else, etc. he said no that he still wants me to be around. He texted me while he was at work and said he was having another day of "confusion". I don't really know what to say to that, so I just said "I'm sorry, I can give you your space..." and he replied "no you are fine". ????? I feel there is something deeper going on than just his unhappiness with us. He buries himself in his phone, tv and video games, almost like he's trying to escape reality....he just came home from work and I stayed up to be able to hang out with him and give him some encouragement (he said he had a bad day at work) ....he got In the shower, came out and told me he was just going to go down in the basement and watch a movie. Didn't invite me down. So I stayed up for nothing......I don't feel this is fair to me - he isn't keeping my feelings in mind through all of this. It's all about him.... I'm angry. I don't know wether to leave, force him to live without me around for a few days or a week or if I should stick it out and continue to support him while working on myself.... I'm just frustrated.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Update: 
Husband has been very cold and distant since yesterday. Last night when he got home he went into the basement and stayed there until he came to bed at his normal time, didn't invite me down to unwind with him. This morning he got up to go to the gym and never said a word to me. Usually it's "hey......I'm leaving I'll be back" or something to that effect, he just left, never muttered a word. When I heard him start his truck in the driveway I texted him "um, bye?" And he sent back "oh yeah sorry I'm leaving". It's just very out of character for him. I'm at the point where I think leaving for a few days is best. Advice? Keeping me in limbo like this is not fair to me especially when I have been trying like crazy to change on my end with no effort on his. Thinking maybe the separation for a few days will get him to see he either misses me or he wants out. Either way it's better than what I'm dealing with now. I hate to say it because I don't want to lose him but at this point I have to look out for me. My family is concerned for me, they saw me yesterday and said I looked terrible.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't see how you can have a life with someone who literally works 7 days each week.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

These were my thoughts too. I mean, it's fantastic that the OP is taking strides to meet his needs and doing things that she really doesn't enjoy to make her husband happy, but how long can that be kept up before it can't be done anymore? My advice would be to not continue doing things that you cannot sustain long-term. It's like a diet... you can only eat so much cabbage soup before you just can't do it anymore without becoming really resentful towards the cabbage. 



She'sStillGotIt said:


> This whole thing is EXTREMELY one-sided.
> 
> It's all about *him* threatening to leave you and you suddenly jumping through hoops like a trained seal, desperately doing anything you can to keep him from leaving.
> 
> How long can you keep this charade up before you start growing weary - and *more* importantly, RESENTFUL - of pandering to him 24/7? Because you will. That's a promise.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> I highly doubt he even knows what that is. I could be wrong, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I just don't see him saying he wants to try to work it out if he had a thing for someone else. I'm not saying it's impossible, but unlikely. I have even asked him if he needs me to back off, sleep somewhere else, etc. he said no that he still wants me to be around. He texted me while he was at work and said he was having another day of "confusion". I don't really know what to say to that, so I just said "I'm sorry, I can give you your space..." and he replied "no you are fine". ????? I feel there is something deeper going on than just his unhappiness with us. He buries himself in his phone, tv and video games, almost like he's trying to escape reality....he just came home from work and I stayed up to be able to hang out with him and give him some encouragement (he said he had a bad day at work) ....he got In the shower, came out and told me he was just going to go down in the basement and watch a movie. Didn't invite me down. So I stayed up for nothing......I don't feel this is fair to me - he isn't keeping my feelings in mind through all of this. It's all about him.... I'm angry. I don't know wether to leave, force him to live without me around for a few days or a week or if I should stick it out and continue to support him while working on myself.... I'm just frustrated.


Has he seen a doctor lately? Could there be a physical health issue here?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> Update:
> Husband has been very cold and distant since yesterday. Last night when he got home he went into the basement and stayed there until he came to bed at his normal time, didn't invite me down to unwind with him. This morning he got up to go to the gym and never said a word to me. Usually it's "hey......I'm leaving I'll be back" or something to that effect, he just left, never muttered a word. When I heard him start his truck in the driveway I texted him "um, bye?" And he sent back "oh yeah sorry I'm leaving". It's just very out of character for him. I'm at the point where I think leaving for a few days is best. Advice? Keeping me in limbo like this is not fair to me especially when I have been trying like crazy to change on my end with no effort on his. Thinking maybe the separation for a few days will get him to see he either misses me or he wants out. Either way it's better than what I'm dealing with now. I hate to say it because *I don't want to lose him but at this point I have to look out for me*. My family is concerned for me, they saw me yesterday and said I looked terrible.


This is very healthy, npl. Some people take years to get to this point . . . if they get there at all.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > I highly doubt he even knows what that is. I could be wrong, but I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. I just don't see him saying he wants to try to work it out if he had a thing for someone else. I'm not saying it's impossible, but unlikely. I have even asked him if he needs me to back off, sleep somewhere else, etc. he said no that he still wants me to be around. He texted me while he was at work and said he was having another day of "confusion". I don't really know what to say to that, so I just said "I'm sorry, I can give you your space..." and he replied "no you are fine". ????? I feel there is something deeper going on than just his unhappiness with us. He buries himself in his phone, tv and video games, almost like he's trying to escape reality....he just came home from work and I stayed up to be able to hang out with him and give him some encouragement (he said he had a bad day at work) ....he got In the shower, came out and told me he was just going to go down in the basement and watch a movie. Didn't invite me down. So I stayed up for nothing......I don't feel this is fair to me - he isn't keeping my feelings in mind through all of this. It's all about him.... I'm angry. I don't know wether to leave, force him to live without me around for a few days or a week or if I should stick it out and continue to support him while working on myself.... I'm just frustrated.
> ...


He has been the dr, less than a year ago. He is 30 and already has osteo arthritis- he was a competitive gymnast growing up and has beat his body up- he goes to the gym 3 days a week, has a massage once a week and visits the chiropractor weekly to keep himself from hurting too much. 7 days a week is hard on both of us, I agree with a lot of your guys' opinions about it. Especially when he adds in all the gym, massage and chiro appointments in. But I'm happy he is taking time to take care of himself. Another update- after writing my last entry he had come home from the gym. I was prepared to have the talk with him about possibly leaving for a few days, and before I had a chance to say anything he initiated intimacy. First time in I can't even tell you how long. It was quite a shock. I see his as a small turning point but not getting my hopes up, as he still is quite walled off still. His behavior has been erratic so I'm just trying to guard my heart but I am hopeful


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> He has been the dr, less than a year ago. He is 30 and already has osteo arthritis- he was a competitive gymnast growing up and has beat his body up- he goes to the gym 3 days a week, has a massage once a week and visits the chiropractor weekly to keep himself from hurting too much. 7 days a week is hard on both of us, I agree with a lot of your guys' opinions about it. Especially when he adds in all the gym, massage and chiro appointments in. But I'm happy he is taking time to take care of himself. Another update- after writing my last entry he had come home from the gym. I was prepared to have the talk with him about possibly leaving for a few days, and before I had a chance to say anything he initiated intimacy. First time in I can't even tell you how long. It was quite a shock. I see his as a small turning point but not getting my hopes up, as he still is quite walled off still. His behavior has been erratic so I'm just trying to guard my heart but I am hopeful


Do you think there could be any chance of a drug problem? The confusion and erratic behavior just seem concerning.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > He has been the dr, less than a year ago. He is 30 and already has osteo arthritis- he was a competitive gymnast growing up and has beat his body up- he goes to the gym 3 days a week, has a massage once a week and visits the chiropractor weekly to keep himself from hurting too much. 7 days a week is hard on both of us, I agree with a lot of your guys' opinions about it. Especially when he adds in all the gym, massage and chiro appointments in. But I'm happy he is taking time to take care of himself. Another update- after writing my last entry he had come home from the gym. I was prepared to have the talk with him about possibly leaving for a few days, and before I had a chance to say anything he initiated intimacy. First time in I can't even tell you how long. It was quite a shock. I see his as a small turning point but not getting my hopes up, as he still is quite walled off still. His behavior has been erratic so I'm just trying to guard my heart but I am hopeful
> ...


No, I don't think so. I should clarify that his erratic behavior Is similar to someone who is depressed or even bipolar. One day he seems to be doing great, he's talking to me about his day, asking me about my day, the next, completely walled off. It's like extremes in a matter of 24 hours, sometimes within hours. Like this morning, he came home and immediately initiated sex, there was a lot of touching and kissing so it wasn't a "cold" contact- then within an hour, walled off, slumped on the couch in front of the tv. He did initiate a kiss before he left also. I want to suggest that he go talk to our counselor privately again, I fear there is something more wrong that he isn't talking about. I just don't know how to approach him. 

I want to be there for him but at the same time I can't keep being the only one trying here. I've lost 6 lbs in less than two weeks and I'm already a VERY petite woman. My sisters saw me yesterday and both of them called me afterwards saying how awful I looked. I've been tired, I contracted a bladder infection and I've been trying to stuff my face with food but after a couple bites my stomach gets extremely upset. I need to take care of me but can't do it if I'm going to be hanging around here. I feel I need to just get out for a week or so.....


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

naturepeacelove said:


> No, I don't think so. I should clarify that his erratic behavior Is similar to someone who is depressed or even bipolar. One day he seems to be doing great, he's talking to me about his day, asking me about my day, the next, completely walled off. It's like extremes in a matter of 24 hours, sometimes within hours. Like this morning, he came home and immediately initiated sex, there was a lot of touching and kissing so it wasn't a "cold" contact- then within an hour, walled off, slumped on the couch in front of the tv. He did initiate a kiss before he left also. I want to suggest that he go talk to our counselor privately again, I fear there is something more wrong that he isn't talking about. I just don't know how to approach him.
> 
> I want to be there for him but at the same time I can't keep being the only one trying here. I've lost 6 lbs in less than two weeks and I'm already a VERY petite woman. My sisters saw me yesterday and both of them called me afterwards saying how awful I looked. I've been tired, I contracted a bladder infection and I've been trying to stuff my face with food but after a couple bites my stomach gets extremely upset. I need to take care of me but can't do it if I'm going to be hanging around here. I feel I need to just get out for a week or so.....


Can you take the kids and go and stay with your family, or his?


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > No, I don't think so. I should clarify that his erratic behavior Is similar to someone who is depressed or even bipolar. One day he seems to be doing great, he's talking to me about his day, asking me about my day, the next, completely walled off. It's like extremes in a matter of 24 hours, sometimes within hours. Like this morning, he came home and immediately initiated sex, there was a lot of touching and kissing so it wasn't a "cold" contact- then within an hour, walled off, slumped on the couch in front of the tv. He did initiate a kiss before he left also. I want to suggest that he go talk to our counselor privately again, I fear there is something more wrong that he isn't talking about. I just don't know how to approach him.
> ...


We don't have kids. And yes both of my sisters have told me that I am welcome to stay with them. They both live within 5 minutes of the house, and it would be easy for me to come back to the house and do the chores (we have dogs, cats and chickens) grab clothes, etc while he is at work.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Husband just texted me and said he forgot to tell me that he had set up an appointment with our counselor for another one on one with him shortly after we had left our joint appointment last Friday. Seems as though he wants help for himself and that makes me happy for him.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

naturepeacelove said:


> Update:
> Last night when he got home he went into the basement and stayed there until he came to bed at his normal time, didn't invite me down to unwind with him. This morning he got up to go to the gym and never said a word to me..


I think I smell a porn addiction. I doubt he's watching movies. 

I also get the vibe he's harboring some kind of resentment against you. Any idea what it could be?

In the mean time I really think you should work on attaining independence and self sufficiency. For two reasons: first, it will give you momentum in case you divorce. Second, it will make you more attractive to him in the meantime. Not developing yourself to your potential not only cheats yourself, it makes you unattractive to your mate.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

commonsenseisn't said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > Update:
> ...


While I don't discount he could be looking at porn, I do know he is watching movies- I can hear the tv from upstairs and he knows I can easily walk right down there and catch him. He knows how I feel about porn, and we did have an issue back a couple years ago with it. To think that he hasn't started again would be naive of me, but I feel like that issue can be dealt with later as I feel we have bigger fish to fry. 

I am however concerned that he is immersing himself in tv and his phone way too much. I know it's his way of escaping our reality but in order to help out our marriage he needs to step up and face it. I almost said something to him a few minutes ago - he just got home from work and he has already sunk down in the couch and scrolling through Netflix. I was sitting in the chair next to him and it was hard to even get a conversation going with him. I kindly excused myself and he asked me where I was going- I just said, upstairs. 

He has another one on one with our counselor this week and I want to wait to address these issues until after he's vented a few times with the therapist. I feel like expressing any feelings towards his weird behaviors right now might send him over the edge. He's very touchy right now and I feel like if I am to save this marriage right now I have to be patient and keep my lips zipped when it comes to any type of expressing of dissatisfaction with the way things are being handled on his end.

Yes, I am getting myself prepared to "take flight" for a few days. He needs to see that I'm not going to sit around and let him control this situation. I'm tired, I'm sick, I'm just done.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, does this sound at all like your husband?

Bipolar disorder Overview - Mayo Clinic


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

jld said:


> OP, does this sound at all like your husband?
> 
> Bipolar disorder Overview - Mayo Clinic


To a degree, yes. I feel like though that he wasn't like this before he dropped the bomb, or if he was, I wasn't noticing or was less severe. I'm working up the courage to leave today. At least for a couple days. I wrote him an explanation letter last night to prepare to leave for him. (Not a letter


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Sorry haha hit send accidentally. Not a letter begging, but a letter explaining I need to take care of myself and I need some space too.


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