# Wife not submissive enough in bed



## Ndarnell79 (Aug 13, 2021)

My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Ndarnell79 said:


> My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up


Must say I have no clue what is being discussed here. For example, is Dom a person or an imaginary person and what does he/she do?


----------



## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

MaiChi said:


> Must say I have no clue what is being discussed here. For example, is Dom a person or an imaginary person and what does he/she do?


Pretty sure that is short for “dominant”, but I had to laugh about “Dom” being a person and jumping in on the fun!😂


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ndarnell79 said:


> My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up


Honestly, OP, a kink like this is something that you two should have sorted out _thoroughly_ before you married. You wife is, apparently, not a natural submissive. You seem to have a need to be a Dom. With your wife, the Dom/sub deal is probably not a dynamic that's going to work more than occasionally. Which means you two are sexually incompatible. Again, how did you not know this before you two got married? 

Would you be okay with a negotiated percentage of your sexual encounters involving Dom/sub play? If so, you may be able to find a compromise that works for _both_ of you, even if she's a little awkward with it. But insisting your wife conform all the time to a kink she doesn't share, or at all to one she finds truly objectionable, really isn't a reasonable position. Hence my previous mention of you two being incompatible.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

So you make a command and she giggles about it 😂?


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Ndarnell79 said:


> My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up


Define _awkward_, instead of going boneless chicken, does she rear up and give you a right hook?

Define _Dom_. Are we talking full-on whips & ball gags? Or just you being dominant in bed?

My first thought about Rowan's comment was, "WTF, marriage is like parenting, you're expected to do something you've never done before & get it right the first time," but now I'm thinking if you really _were_ a Dom for 6 years, you should have gotten this all straightened out during your test ride(s).


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ndarnell79 Why do you want to be a "dom?" Exactly how "dom" are you?

Do you think that you might be the one with the problem?

After all "My inner Dom keeps building up" might be a somewhat worrying phrase.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like your wife wants to make love and you want to play games.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

?????.......WTF?


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@maquiscat


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Ndarnell79 said:


> My wife gets turned on and tries. *I was a Dom before her for 6ys*. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up


Did you not learn about negotiations in those 6 years? Learn how to vet a person to make sure they were compatible with you? And here are the other important questions that we need to know to assess this situation. How long did you two date? Were engaged? How long since you've been married? What experience did she have prior to you? How much have you actually tried to teach her, either directly or though classes by others? How many subs have you had before her? To what extent did you want the D/s dynamic? 24/7? Occasionally? Bedroom only? Are you looking for power exchange or just play? We'll go from there after these are answered.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> Must say I have no clue what is being discussed here. For example, is Dom a person or an imaginary person and what does he/she do?


A Dominant (shortened to Dom for males and Dommes for females) is a person in a power exchange dynamic who assumes power given to them by another, usually known as a submissive, or in more extreme cases a slave. Other labels apply, but those are the most common on both sides of the slash. In a power exchange, one person assumes authority, within negotiated limits, over another, allowing them to command the other. The actual dynamic can vary greatly as well as the protocols used.


----------



## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

I'm not liking how you're not answering the important questions being asked of you. I've dabbled in BDSM, have many friends in the community still, and obtained a ton of knowledge before jumping into it. Something tells me you're not a proper Dom but rather just an aggressive and demanding guy under the guise of the Dom title. If you had 6 years proper experience prior to getting with your wife, I have a hard time believing you'd be in the situation you find yourself in. I keep using the term "proper" because if you describe yourself as living as a Dom or Sub, then you should know the rules, guidelines, and general code of conduct practiced by those in the lifestyle. Because it is more of a lifestyle than a general kink. BDSM isn't just a matter of spanking your partner and calling yourself a Dom. I'm not trying to criticize you, just trying to find out if you are a Dom who has been properly taught or just saw some porn and took it from there. The answer to this will determine how to best advise you.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Baby Fark McGee-Zax said:


> I'm not liking how you're not answering the important questions being asked of you. I've dabbled in BDSM, have many friends in the community still, and obtained a ton of knowledge before jumping into it. Something tells me you're not a proper Dom but rather just an aggressive and demanding guy under the guise of the Dom title. If you had 6 years proper experience prior to getting with your wife, I have a hard time believing you'd be in the situation you find yourself in. I keep using the term "proper" because if you describe yourself as living as a Dom or Sub, then you should know the rules, guidelines, and general code of conduct practiced by those in the lifestyle. Because it is more of a lifestyle than a general kink. BDSM isn't just a matter of spanking your partner and calling yourself a Dom. I'm not trying to criticize you, just trying to find out if you are a Dom who has been properly taught or just saw some porn and took it from there. The answer to this will determine how to best advise you.


While I agree with you on the overall experience concern (I addressed it myself briefly), I do have to make a comment on the idea of labels. Someone can be a Dom or a sub or any of the other roles, and not have experience at it, or be good at it. Being Dom/sub or other roles is a part of what you are, as much as your orientation or gender identity are. I've seen Dom's who have been in the lifestyle 20 years (or so they claim) who are not very knowledgeable or experienced because they don't bother to be. Usually a lack of the former causes the lack of the later. So while I have no problem calling out someone on their lack of experience, especially if it looks like their own fault, I do hesitate to deny them their label of identity.


----------



## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> While I agree with you on the overall experience concern (I addressed it myself briefly), I do have to make a comment on the idea of labels. Someone can be a Dom or a sub or any of the other roles, and not have experience at it, or be good at it. Being Dom/sub or other roles is a part of what you are, as much as your orientation or gender identity are. I've seen Dom's who have been in the lifestyle 20 years (or so they claim) who are not very knowledgeable or experienced because they don't bother to be. Usually a lack of the former causes the lack of the later. So while I have no problem calling out someone on their lack of experience, especially if it looks like their own fault, I do hesitate to deny them their label of identity.


I agree with you for the most part but this guy is giving the impression he has real experience because yet his behavior and lack of answers to important questions reminds me of the aggressive jerks who love to flat out control women solely for his own pleasure with no regard for her (she is an object) and call themselves a Dom. That's not what a Dom is and I'll deny those a-holes that label. Proper treatment, respect, and care for your Sub should be just as important to the Dom and I get the feeling this guy just wants a breathing sex doll.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

seems like the DOM/SUBMISSIVE thing is not in her nature. So she has to understand the role, and she has to agree to ROLE PLAY being the submissive. some education about dominance/submission is in order here, maybe some porn movies, AND her willingness to play that role to turn you on.

It might help if you offer to let her be a SWITCH...i.e. one time she is submissive and you are the Dom, but next time she gets her stiletto heels, black leather, and riding crop out and makes YOU submit to HER desires.

Generally speaking, you can not get another person to totally change who they are for you. but you CAN get them to play act it!


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

As a Don, you know your wife (the submissive) has all of the control, not you. If you believe otherwise, you' re not living true to the ideology of a true Dom/sub lifestyle. 

If she isn't into being your submissive, she isn't breaking any rules. You are just with the wrong person. Submissives have the control. Your role as a Dominant has gone to your head.

I've been a Mistress for 35 years, professionally and 8n my personal life. I have NEVER forgotten that a submissive gives me control, and have always respected their boundaries. It is the basic tenet to the lifestyle. Maybe you need to study what being a Dominant truly is, and stop thinking your the boss! Without a submissive, you are just a kinky man wanting to control someone.


----------



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Ed3n said:


> Maybe you need to study what being a Dominant truly is...


@Ed3n is the dynamic of a Dom different in the bedroom vs everyday life?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Looks like OP flew the coop....


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ndarnell79 said:


> My wife gets turned on and tries. I was a Dom before her for 6ys. Thought she would get better at the submissive role in bed but shes just awkward when she tries. My inner Dom keeps building up


Maybe she doesn't want to play your games and has no interest in being controlled.


----------



## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Pretty sure that is short for “dominant”, but I had to laugh about “Dom” being a person and jumping in on the fun!😂


Can hear it now ..."Yo, Dom here. How youse doin? Youse want me to bring some bubbly over tonnight, a whip or two?"


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Noman said:


> @Ed3n is the dynamic of a Dom different in the bedroom vs everyday life?


It can be. It's all dependant on what the people involve agree on. I've known couples who are 24/7. They have ways to keep it on the down low, so they're not shoving it in people's faces, but otherwise they dynamic remains. For my family, especially since we're all switches, the dynamic mostly occurs in play spaces. There is such a wide range of how things can be handled.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

maquiscat said:


> It can be. It's all dependant on what the people involve agree on. I've known couples who are 24/7. They have ways to keep it on the down low, so they're not shoving it in people's faces, but otherwise they dynamic remains. For my family, especially since we're all switches, the dynamic mostly occurs in play spaces. There is such a wide range of how things can be handled.


There is some good advice being given. The OP and his wife need to determine what they each want. Is it 24/7, is it occasional role play, or what? Does it involve impact play? Does it involve well scripted roles? Does it involve humiliation? Does it involve vivid mental images? Is there enough trust and mutual desire for this kind of activity?

One thing nobody has stated is that to be a really good Dom, you really should spend some time being a sub, so you understand what your partner experiences and how by accident they can drift into sub-space so deep that you might be causing more emotional or physical harm than you intend. No one has also talked about after care and how important that is on "coming down" and re-grounding.

I can envision why a loving spouse would either not want to go all submission for someone, or how at certain stages of their life the thought of going all submissive, vulnerable and seemingly (reluctant to use a safe-word) helpless might not be what they want.

I wish the OP's wife Good Luck. She is the one, I am most concerned about.


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Noman said:


> @Ed3n is the dynamic of a Dom different in the bedroom vs everyday life?


Depending on the extent of the Dom/sub lifestyle it varies. If it's just in the bedroom, then yes, it's very different outside the bedroom. You love a "normal" day to day life in that case. If it's 24/7 then there are rules and expectations how each of you will go about daily activities. In either case BOTH people need to discuss the parameters, and what they agree and disagree with, and then live their lives accordingly.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> One thing nobody has stated is that to be a really good Dom, you really should spend some time being a sub, so you understand what your partner experiences and how by accident they can drift into sub-space so deep that you might be causing more emotional or physical harm than you intend. No one has also talked about after care and how important that is on "coming down" and re-grounding.


I think that this part is slightly off topic, or maybe another step or two down the road. I agree overall, with one exception. Not everyone can sub. Everyone can bottom, however. So I find it possible for a Dom to experience what the plays feels like, but they may never be able to achieve or understand sub space. Hell, I've been subbing for close to 15 years, and I've never made subspace. I can fly, yes, but not all the way to subspace.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The OP was a drive-by. One post a month ago.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> The OP was a drive-by. One post a month ago.


I don't remember asking for your opinion. Put that ball gag back on and get back into your corner.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I don't remember asking for your opinion. Put that ball gag back on and get back into your corner.


😩 Why you so mean?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> 😩 Why you so mean?


In the spirit of the thread, be a good sub and play along so that I may pretend to have some power in our relationship...


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Cletus said:


> I don't remember asking for your opinion. Put that ball gag back on and get back into your corner.


In our household, a common threat is, "don't make me come over there and not beat you."


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In the interest of transparency, the only relationship @Cletus and I have is one of a carefully crafted detente.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> In the interest of transparency, the only relationship @Cletus and I have is one of a carefully crafted detente.


I'm hurt. I thought we had moved onto Mutually Assured Destruction.


----------



## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Yous guys are reaching tonight. I agree…it’s been a little BOring around here lately  

Meh…I might dust off the cobwebs between my knees and masturbate tonight. Errr…maybe not. I’m pooped. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yous guys are reaching tonight. I agree…it’s been a little BOring around here lately
> 
> Meh…I might dust off the cobwebs between my knees and masturbate tonight. Errr…maybe not. I’m pooped.
> 
> ...


There's enough women in the world not masturbating on my account. No need to add one more.


----------

