# Help...my wife can no longer cope with my kids.



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

This is has been a long, slow burn that has finally gotten the best of my wife. I fear that she is about to have a mental breakdown because of my two teenage children (ages 16 and 17). Here's the story...

My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years with 5 children between us ranging from ages 10 to 20. Her children live with us (except the 20-year-old is now off to college and in and out mainly on the weekends). My two children are only with us every other weekend and it has been that way throughout our marriage.

Her 3 kids were very receptive to our marriage but mine were more apprehensive about it because of the change in dynamic. Mine initially thought that they were being "replaced" by my wife's family (when in reality they were not and have not been). We've tried to include all of them in our activities as much as possible and have always let them know that they are loved and welcomed in our home at anytime.

My ex-wife, however, has not encourage my 2 kids to be adaptable or to be a part in our family. She (especially early on in our marriage) threw up hurdles at every turn making it difficult for the kids to come to our house...by scheduling conflicting activities that forced the kids to choose between us. She also fed their fears of rejection and alienation (through confirmation that we've received from the kids). Therefore, they have mostly been resistant to having a warm relationship with us...you can sometimes feel their coldness whenever come over and feel it melt throughout the time that they are here and then it starts over each succeeding time they are here.

My ex-wife uses the "guilt" card constantly to make the kids feel that they are choosing us over her whenever they come here. She constantly makes excuses for needing to see them which drives their sense of insecurity.

Her parenting skill set does not mesh with ours and that also causes problems in our blended family. Nothing that my 2 kids do is truly their fault (according to my ex-wife's behavior and resulting discipline...or lack of discipline to them). There is always a "reason" that "justifies" their poor behavior or rebellious spirit in her eyes. She and her husband grounded her husband's daughter for 6 months and didn't allow her to come over to their house at times that my 2 kids where there one time when she was caught sneaking out of their house. My ex-wife and my daughter were really rude and disrespectful to the step-daughter/sister because of it. Yet, when my daughter ran away from her mother's home for 2 days she was coddled and loved and only given a 1-month grounding (of which my ex-wife softened by taking her shopping and re-doing her bedroom!).

You can probably see where this is heading...

The above-mentioned "problems" have caused serious respect of authority issues by my 2 kids. They don't see that our life is worthy of their respect and challenge our rules and bend them (or try to) constantly which causes turmoil in our home nearly every weekend they are here. We've been taken to court by the 2 of them over their demands for changes in custody terms (which, of course, they lost) to times that fit more into their needs. They were shocked that state law would trump their "wishes" (as was their mother). In fact, the court came down very hard against them; and my wife and I were anguished that they put themselves in such a bad situation (but my ex-wife insisted that they go forward with the lawsuit and forced them to testify against us).

The court defeat gave us a little leverage with them because they finally realized that theirs was not the ultimate authority. We were able to get them into counseling (appallingly, against my ex-wife's wishes) which had quite a positive effect upon them. However, after a few months my ex-wife told them that they did not have to go anymore and we had no means of forcing them to go.

Things deteriorated with them once again after they stopped going to counseling. I was forced to tell my daughter that she was not welcomed in our house because of her very bad behavior towards me and my wife...but that she would be welcomed again if she would obey our rules and be respectful of us. Three weeks later, my ex-wife called me and begged me for help because my daughter was turning her rebellious spirit onto her (shock, shock). My wife and I sat down with her and her brother to tell them exactly the terms for which she would be allowed back into our home (our son was present just so it would be emphasized to him what we expected). She began coming again to our home but it wasn't long before she (and my son) began slipping back into their "routine" of not showing up at our house on time or at all, not notifying us of their plans or intentions, lying to us, being rude to us by totaling ignoring us in public places at high school sporting events that they were participating in, etc, etc, etc... Any disciplinary action was always under-cut by my ex-wife who enabled this behaviour toward us (even in her presence).

The final straw really came about six weeks ago whenever my daughter ran away from her mother's home. It was a huge emotional issue that resulted in her coming home safely. She again had turned on her mother and step-father as she had often done to us...rather than coming to us, she decided to run away for a few days. As you can expect, that took a tremendous amount of emotional energy dealing with the period while she was gone and with the subsequent fall-out over the event. All four of us (my ex, her husband, me and my wife) were intensively involved in the event and in dealing and discussing the punishment and healing process.

Then, this past week was whenever the 2 kids were supposed to be at our house for spring break. Well, I called to ask and remind them what time they were to be here. I ended up going to pick my daughter up because my son was working on a research paper and said he would be there later. Well, ended up being 3 days later after I had insisted that he come and work on the paper at our house. But, again his mother didn't force or encourage him to come. The first weekday of spring break was a date that my ex had scheduled them to have dentist appointments. I was working and couldn't get them there and she volunteered to take them because she also had a dental appointment. I said "ok' and she then asked if she could keep them a little longer and take them out to eat (of which I didn't have a problem with). So, they left the house at 8:45 am and don't return back to us until 9:45 pm that night (and then only after I texted my ex asking when I might should expect them home). The next evening, they again "needed" to go see their mom at almost 10 pm for a few minutes that turned into nearly 2 hours. I finally got my son to answer his phone and they came right back.

None of this is or was new. Total disrespect for the need to be accountable to us and be responsible to us for their time and actions. Again, I sat them down and gave them an ultimatum. My wife, however, gave me an ultimatum, too. It was that she was leaving or they were leaving...

So, I sent them packing and said that we would tolerate this no longer. They would be welcomed back if they could be civil, responsible and loving kids to us...but under no other circumstances. They seemed to undestand and acknowledged that there were issues that they instigated and fed. They also seemed to grasp (as well as 16 and 17 year-olds can) the need to protect our marriage.

It's not that my wife hasn't shown them love, grace and mercy because she has...more so than they deserve. She is at her wits end with them because we cannot control them no matter what actions we take with them. We've tried soft love, tough love, everything to no avail. She has spent an enormous amount of emotional energy on them and is completely bankrupt. I am not bankrupt only because they are my children. We both love them but it has taken an tremendouse toll upon the both of us.

Realize that I only want thoughts from those who recognize the sanctity of the marriage first. I do not believe that my kids should come first because they have been here longer than my wife. My wife will be with me for life...the kids will choose a mate for themselves at some point who will be their top priority. What I am looking for is how to reconcile the two sides and be able to create healing that will be beneficial for all.

So, can you help me?


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## SmallSoulBlue (Mar 14, 2012)

Your life sounds just as complicated as mine. I am sorry that you and yours are going through this. You are right, you wife is forever while the peeps will come and go through the years. This is a seriously lack of respect from the peeps however, I also see that they are very anger and their rebellion is their way of coping with this situation. I usually start with my family doctor who then would recommend counselling in a situation like this, either together as a family or separate one on one or a group setting with her peers. This is a challenging family dymanic. I am glad that you are taking the lead on this situation and not your wife. It is the proper thing to do. That being said, have you tried talking to your peeps without your wife present? 

One thing I have learned from my own children, is that they sometimes prefer to communicate to me via text message, it is easier for this generation to speak their emotions via text than face to face. Texting is the beginning of getting the lines of communciation to open with teenagers. Give it a try. It can't hurt.


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