# Married Spouse has alcohol problem



## Mrs.McCoy (8 mo ago)

Help, I’m struggling with staying or going since I took vows for better or worse . Husband drinking has gotten out of control to the point I don’t want to smell it or even have a drink myself. I am almost confident that he’s a totally different person and someone that I would’ve ran away from. He seems to believe there is no problem even when he’s falling all over the place. I’ve been married for 2 1/2 years and we’ve been together for 18 yrs off and on. Now I’m to the point where I’m feeling my health is at jeopardy because I’m constantly trying to save him from himself. I am at a lost, we’ve been to therapy and it just turns into a shouting match. He’s currently in therapy but this is not an overnight process and he’s constantly in crisis mode where he has every excuse why he’s drinking. It’s my birthday, I bet a court case, I finished a project, etc. any advice that is helpful is welcomed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

One alternative is to separate and say that if and when he decides to stop drinking you can try again to make it work. Make it clear though that he has to stop completely. 

You so recently married, do you know why you married him after so long despite knowing he had a serious drinking problem?


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## Mrs.McCoy (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> One alternative is to separate and say that if and when he decides to stop drinking you can try again to make it work. Make it clear though that he has to stop completely.
> 
> You so recently married, do you know why you married him after so long despite knowing he had a serious drinking problem?


I can’t answer that without crying. I thought I was doing the right thing and that since I knew the problem it would get better. He’s my best friend so I didn’t want to loose that if we didn’t get married.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrs.McCoy said:


> I can’t answer that without crying. I thought I was doing the right thing and that since I knew the problem it would get better. He’s my best friend so I didn’t want to loose that if we didn’t get married.


So many people get married thinking it will make things better, it usually makes things worse sadly. 
You standing up for yourself and separating (for now), may just give him the shock he needs to stop the drinking. Otherwise I doubt he ever will.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You need to expert advice and support from those who have been in your shoes.

Are you familiar with AlAnon?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He has to want to stop and to this point he doesn’t. He may some day or he may not. That’s totally up to him. You have to decide if you can continue to live with him if the current circumstances never change. It’s always tempting to hope things will be different (I stayed in a very long marriage much too long due to living on hope) but it rarely works.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mrs.McCoy said:


> Help*, I’m struggling with staying or going since I took vows for better or worse *. Husband drinking has gotten out of control to the point I don’t want to smell it or even have a drink myself. I am almost confident that he’s a totally different person and someone that I would’ve ran away from. He seems to believe there is no problem even when he’s falling all over the place. I’ve been married for 2 1/2 years and we’ve been together for 18 yrs off and on. Now I’m to the point where I’m feeling my health is at jeopardy because I’m constantly trying to save him from himself. I am at a lost, we’ve been to therapy and it just turns into a shouting match. He’s currently in therapy but this is not an overnight process and he’s constantly in crisis mode where he has every excuse why he’s drinking. It’s my birthday, I bet a court case, I finished a project, etc. any advice that is helpful is welcomed.


You can’t fix him. Nothing worse than living with a drunk. Making excuses to stay in this will probably get you more of what you’ve gotten.
Do not let yourself be your biggest problem.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You have to decide what you want out of life, out of marriage. Addictions of any kind can be very difficult to recover from, but he has to be truly committed to his own recovery process or it will continue to take a toll on your health and the marriage. I would try to attend a group that helps support spouses dealing with these issues, to know you're not alone. And maybe seek some legal advice because it can't hurt, in case you have to take a path out of the marriage. I hope you can work it out, but he has to want it to work as much as you do.


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## Lowryland (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> He has to want to stop and to this point he doesn’t. He may some day or he may not. That’s totally up to him. You have to decide if you can continue to live with him if the current circumstances never change. It’s always tempting to hope things will be different (I stayed in a very long marriage much too long due to living on hope) but it rarely works.


What were the steps you took? Kicking him out isn’t so simple. I’m considering doing this but it’s hard to know where to begin. since he’s unemployed & I’m the one working + for me to leave, I’d have to take 2 cats & 3 parrots with me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lowryland said:


> What were the steps you took? Kicking him out isn’t so simple. I’m considering doing this but it’s hard to know where to begin. since he’s unemployed & I’m the one working + for me to leave, I’d have to take 2 cats & 3 parrots with me.


I think you need to start a thread of your own. Three parrots and 2 cats? Yep. You six need your own thread.


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## ABiolarWife (7 mo ago)

Mrs.McCoy said:


> Help, I’m struggling with staying or going since I took vows for better or worse . Husband drinking has gotten out of control to the point I don’t want to smell it or even have a drink myself. I am almost confident that he’s a totally different person and someone that I would’ve ran away from. He seems to believe there is no problem even when he’s falling all over the place. I’ve been married for 2 1/2 years and we’ve been together for 18 yrs off and on. Now I’m to the point where I’m feeling my health is at jeopardy because I’m constantly trying to save him from himself. I am at a lost, we’ve been to therapy and it just turns into a shouting match. He’s currently in therapy but this is not an overnight process and he’s constantly in crisis mode where he has every excuse why he’s drinking. It’s my birthday, I bet a court case, I finished a project, etc. any advice that is helpful is welcomed.


Have you ever been involved in Al Anon? Sorry I am late to you post but I am new here. My husband is a full blown alcoholic. However, and I am so proud of him I could bust, in April he marked 28 years clean and sober.

But Al Anon could really, really help you. Even if you only read their 'Big Book' I feel like you would benefit so much from it. I know I did. And they definitely explore the concept of tough love. I will not try to advise you really. Just share some of my experience with my dear husband. He is a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sargeant. Served 21 years with multiple combat deployments up to and including Desert Storm.

However it was another deployment back in the early 1980s that got him started. The minute we got settled in at the house he started drinking. Normally the first thing he would do is drag me to the bedroom to play catch up. And that night, instead of us making love, he passed out in his chair in the living room.

And, while he never drank at 'work', his drinking just kept escalating. He would not talk to me about it either. Then he started mixing narcotics with the alcohol and that is when he really, really went downhill fast. I did not have a husband and the children (we have 2) did not have a father. He eventually (within 6 weeks) developed 3 tears in his esophagus and we came home to him passed out in a puddle of bloody vomit (sorry to be so graphic). He came within a razor's width of dying. He had lost almost half of his blood volume, his hematocrit was 24 and the ER doctor told us had I been an hour later I would have found his body instead of him.

But I had joined Al Anon and had been attending meetings for about 3 months by this time. And I had learned a great many coping strategies. I had made my decision that I would stick by and support him as long as I could. And as long as the children were safe. But this was the end for me. When he came home from the hospital (he was in the ICU 3 days and inpatient for a total of 5) I sat him down and calmly told him that if he did not get professional help and stop drinking that I was moving back home with the children.

And, someway...somehow, that got through to him more than anything else I had ever told him. And he knew I was serious and do not bluff. And, to his everlasting credit, he got on the phone with his XO and told him the whole sorry story. And, to THEIR everlasting credit, his commanding officer and XO go together and got him help PRIVATELY. Seeking treatment for alcoholism, addiction or any other mental health issue was the end of your career.

And he got involved in AA. And worked on himself tirelessly. And I mean worked. Being an active duty Marine is hard, busy and life threatening work. And he was expending as much energy on his sobriety as he was being a soldier. And he has made it, one day at a time, for 28 years now.

Your husband has obviously had many chances. I can sense that through just the tone of your post. But, at some point you have to protect yourself and your children from his drinking. As hard as that will be because your love also shows in your post. He has to let go of those excuses. And that is really all they are.

Some questions. Have you ever attended any of his therapy sessions? Are you in any sort of couples counseling? I have the distinct feeling he is lying to his therapist about the size of his drinking problem. He just has to stop. Period. With or without help. And there is plenty of help available and a lot of it free of charge.

Perhaps it is time for you to separate - at least temporarily. Maybe losing his family in his day to day life will give him the impetus to change. But remember this...it has to come from him. Has to be HIS choice and done for himself alone. Or it will fail sooner or later. White knuckling is not the answer either.

Let me know if I can answer anything for you or if you just need someone to listen.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mrs.McCoy said:


> Help, I’m struggling with staying or going since I took vows for better or worse . Husband drinking has gotten out of control to the point I don’t want to smell it or even have a drink myself. I am almost confident that he’s a totally different person and someone that I would’ve ran away from. He seems to believe there is no problem even when he’s falling all over the place. I’ve been married for 2 1/2 years and we’ve been together for 18 yrs off and on. Now I’m to the point where I’m feeling my health is at jeopardy because I’m constantly trying to save him from himself. I am at a lost, we’ve been to therapy and it just turns into a shouting match. He’s currently in therapy but this is not an overnight process and he’s constantly in crisis mode where he has every excuse why he’s drinking. It’s my birthday, I bet a court case, I finished a project, etc. any advice that is helpful is welcomed.


Sounds like you are co-dependent. What he does it not your problem. Do not clean up or make excuses for him. He will not get better unless he himself hits rock bottom, you may well have to leave him. Please read Co-Dependent No more by Malorie Beattie. Then join SoberRecovery.com online and join the Family&Friends group for more specialized support.


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