# Wayward spouses, how do triggers effect you?



## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I am wondering how other ws deal when triggers happen? I see 1st hand how many triggers a bs deals with but sometimes their triggers are ours as well. 
For example, i have committed to my H that i will not break NC and i know it is hard for him everyday wondering if i will hold up to that. My AP was fishing ystrdy, i recieved a blank text from a number i hadnt seen before, i immediately told my H & we figured out that it was indeed my AP. So my H sent an email to the OMW telling her what had happened. 
OK. So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it, if he is in crap for it, if they are even still together, if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest, that he is getting the msg that contacting me is unacceptable? 
I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact or still have feelings for him. He has every reason to not believe me because after dday1 we did stay in contact just went underground. I once randomly showed my H a text from the OM & played dumb as to hide the continued A from him. ***That is NOT the case now***
I have not & will not break NC. I think I am super analysing his actions & what they may do to him because I am very angry at him for his part in crushing my marriage, not because I still care positively about him. But the latter is prob what my H thinks though. I really feel like i cannot just ignore my thoughts cuz I want to learn how to break them because I want to give not 1 minute more of my life to that man. 
i guess my question really is Other DLS, how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts? Or not let those joint triggers effect you? Or how can my H & I work through these together?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Your last sentence is the answer. You and Dinger work through them together. My AP lobbed the random fishing attempt at me for months. She actually caught me once for two days until I came clean to my wife but that's another story. Every time my AP sent me something I RAN to my wife with it. This did two things, first it built some comfort in my wife that I would and was showing her anything and everything the OW sent, and second it created an environment of my wife and I against my AP, it united us somewhat and gave us a common enemy. It actually helped to turn my thoughts of my AP from concern like you describe above to anger and rage because she wouldn't leave my wife and my marriage alone. 

You can't keep the triggers from affecting you, only time will dull those - eventually I hope they will go away. You can get to where you learn to ignore them though. Kind of like if you have a sore muscle or something, you learn to ignore it until it subsides. 

I understand the super analyzing your AP's actions, all you can really do is come to understand that whatever they are, if he's pointing them at you, he's up to no good and whatever bad befalls him as a result he earned.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I seldom even think about her. She is not fishing at all that I know of. I did see walking down our street one time and immediately called my wife to let her know. Good thing, because on of my wife's friends saw her, too.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Your husband is going to trigger. There is nothing you can do to prevent it. There is very little you can do to help either. All you can do is continue to support him when he does trigger. One thing I can tell you that helped me is that even now 20 years later when I trigger my wife still says she is sorry and comforts me. She has never once given me the impression that she feels I should be over it by now. At some point when your husband is triggering you are probably going to have the fleeting thought "geesh can't he get over it by now. Will I have to deal with his up and down emotions forever?" When that happens take that thought and shove it way down low and deep and never let him ever know you felt that way, even for a second. The triggers do get better and certainly they occur farther and farther apart. But the key to a lasting reconciliation is how you handle them each and every time.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> My AP was fishing ystrdy, i recieved a blank text from a number i hadnt seen before, i immediately told my H & we figured out that it was indeed my AP. So my H sent an email to the OMW telling her what had happened.
> OK. So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it,* if he is in crap for it*, if they are even still together, *if it will hurt him* to know that my H & I are being open & honest, that he is getting the msg that contacting me is unacceptable?


Too bad if he is getting crap for it. Too bad if it hurts him. It isn't him you should be concerned with, its your husband.





> I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact *or still have feelings for him*.


Its obvious that you do.




> I really feel like i cannot just ignore my thoughts cuz I want to learn how to break them because I want to give not 1 minute more of my life to that man.


Maybe a good way to break from them is to tell your H how you really feel about OM, which is, you still have feelings. Maybe if your H holds your feet to the fire, you'll snap the hell out of it.




> i guess my question really is Other DLS, how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts?


First you have to make sure contact does not happen. Because my guess is you half-assed told the OM that you two can't be in contact anymore, as opposed to telling him to F off after he contacted you again. Until you do, he will think he can contact you.

Once you make sure there will be no further contact, then you can break from it.




> Or not let those joint triggers effect you? Or how can my H & I work through these together?


There is no working through it until he knows the truth, and the truth is, you still have feelings for the OM. So unless the truth is out there, I don't think there is really any working through YOUR particular problem with your H.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Too bad if he igetting crap for it. Too bad if it hurts him. It isn't him you should be concerned with, its your husband.
> 
> Its obvious that you do.
> 
> ...


"It's all out there." 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> "It's all out there."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really, so he knows you pine for the OM and are having a hard time that its over? Thats the part to which I am referring.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Really, so he knows you pine for the OM and are having a hard time that its over? Thats the part to which I am referring.


Wow Dex that is one huge conclusion on your part, care to explain what is the basis of your statement?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Wow Dex that is one huge conclusion on your part, care to explain what is the basis of your statement?





> how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts?


Now who would have the OM consume their thoughts, if there was no mourning of the end of an affair?

If she doesn't pine for the OM, she wouldn't be so consumed, no?

And then there is this



> if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest


Really? Concerned that the OM is hurt because she is choosing reconciliation with her husband?


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

I'll catch heat, but I find irony in this thread...Why is this thread even here? A thread for those that turned the lives of others upside down? To what make them feel better about themselves? seriously... It's like a bunch of serial killers getting together to work out their anger issues and get in touch with their inner child.. Hell.. lets just invite kiddy diddlers over to career day at the school..Although you folks and I refer only to WS's may not see yourself as such your a predatory bunch.. that preyed upon the trust and love of your significant other... my rant concluded carry on...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Now who would have the OM consume their thoughts, if there was no mourning of the end of an affair?
> 
> If she doesn't pine for the OM, she wouldn't be so consumed, no?


I disagree. If she was truly still pining for the OM you can be sure that the last thing she would have done was informed her husband that the OM tried to make phone contact with her.

You forget that for those of us who chose to go straight to divorce, we did not have to deal with the obsessive thoughts that the BS and WS who chose to reconcile normally go through some months after d-day.



> And then there is this
> 
> Really? Concerned that the OM is hurt because she is choosing reconciliation with her husband?


Extrapolation to the extreme.

You know something? The other day I was thinking about how my ex-wife's OM was murdered. Does that mean that I was wishing that I had been the one who caused him to go meet his maker?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Bandit said:


> I'll catch heat, but I find irony in this thread...Why is this thread even here? A thread for those that turned the lives of others upside down? To what make them feel better about themselves? seriously... It's like a bunch of serial killers getting together to work out their anger issues and get in touch with their inner child.. Hell.. lets just invite kiddy diddlers over to career day at the school..Although you folks and I refer only to WS's may not see yourself as such your a predatory bunch.. that preyed upon the trust and love of your significant other... my rant concluded carry on...


The last time I checked title of this forum it was 'Coping with infidelity' not 'Betrayed spouses forum ONLY'.

The WS have as much right to be here as us BS, as long as they abide the terms of service outlined by the owner and admins of this site.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> The last time I checked title of this forum it was 'Coping with infidelity' not 'Betrayed spouses forum ONLY'.
> 
> The WS have as much right to be here as us BS, as long as they abide the terms of service outlined by the owner and admins of this site.


And post with some deference to the betrayed spouses here, lest the newly arrived lynch us based on guilt by association. 

We're all here trying to get and give help.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Thank you Morituri. 
I often question if I post on here will things get completely twisted or taken out of context by others that may not have had the opportunity to actually understand that some of us DS actually do realize what we have done so wrong, know how we have hurt others & now genuinely want to do anything we possibly can to try heal what we can't take back. True remorse on here maybe fewer between than bitter betrayed spouses are but we do still exist. And we keep coming back, taking the shots from some & learning allot from others. If anyone posts to me, as some on this thread have & it makes them feel the slightest bit better off for it, then have atter! For those who have helped me I am thankful & if I can do the same in return then my intentions are being achieved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you Morituri.
> I often question if I post on here will things get completely twisted or taken out of context by others that may not have had the opportunity to actually understand that some of us DS actually do realize what we have done so wrong, know how we have hurt others & now genuinely want to do anything we possibly can to try heal what we can't take back. True remorse on here maybe fewer between than bitter betrayed spouses are but we do still exist. And we keep coming back, taking the shots from some & learning allot from others. If anyone posts to me, as some on this thread have & it makes them feel the slightest bit better off for it, then have atter! For those who have helped me I am thankful & if I can do the same in return then my intentions are being achieved.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My two cents on this is that when I first read your post I had the same thoughts as Morituri with the exception of the last statement. I am also a BS but I come on this site to read and get information to help my wife and I R. If I didn't want to know what the other side was thinking I wouldn't have opened the thread. It is very hard to digest that a WS would still have feelings for someone else after they see the destruction it caused in the marriage to the person they say they love. 

As much as I dissaprove cheating, I find I gain more from learning that there are cheaters out there with remorse and it gives me hope when I deal with my wife. I understand she has or may have feelings for the OM and only she can change those. There are things I have done wrong in my life. I have to remind myself that because I am a BS does not give me the right to condemn those who are trying to help. I trust a lot of the information I get from the WS on this site more than I do what my wife has told me.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you Morituri.
> I often question if I post on here will things get completely twisted or taken out of context by others that may not have had the opportunity to actually understand that some of us DS actually do realize what we have done so wrong, know how we have hurt others & now genuinely want to do anything we possibly can to try heal what we can't take back.


Excellent. Then I assume you will then quit worrying about the OM and what he is going through. Because you worrying about the OM shouldn't be your husband's problem.

And yes, you can't take what you did back, but you can put a stop to further disrespect of your husband.

Forget about whether the OM is having a rough go of it or not. Forget wondering if he is hurt because you and your H are trying to reconcile.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Excellent. Then I assume you will then quit worrying about the OM and what he is going through. Because you worrying about the OM shouldn't be your husband's problem.
> 
> And yes, you can't take what you did back, but you can put a stop to further disrespect of your husband.
> 
> Forget about whether the OM is having a rough go of it or not. Forget wondering if he is hurt because you and your H are trying to reconcile.


Thank you. I will do all that as you ask, just as I expect you to stop painting all DS with the same brush. You can keep your bitter, hurtful victim cloak on or you can choose to grow from the threads you read & really understand how others have moved beyond that attitude to actually help others on here if they are asked. This I challenge you, it takes a bigger man to give constructive criticism or sound advice then to just verbally beat ppl over & over for trying to better some hurt they have caused. 
Have A Great Wknd Dex!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Lots of good advice here, it's just not a good idea for a WS to post here. It takes way too much time and effort to get a point across, untwist every word and explain everything that was taken out of context. There are only very few BS that are able and also willing to help a WS. 
There are a lot of things I would like to talk about, a lot of questions I would like to ask but I don't. I rather keep it to myself and spend time with my husband. I simply don't feel like putting up with all the hate and anger that people on this forum feel entitled to dump on me.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> Thank you. I will do all that as you ask, just as I expect you to stop painting all DS with the same brush. You can keep your bitter, hurtful victim cloak on or you can choose to grow from the threads you read & really understand how others have moved beyond that attitude to actually help others on here if they are asked. This I challenge you, it takes a bigger man to give constructive criticism or sound advice then to just verbally beat ppl over & over for trying to better some hurt they have caused.
> Have A Great Wknd Dex!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know what, never mind. You aren't going to learn a thing and your husband will be the one that will suffer for it.

I gave you constructive criticism. You just didn't like it. 

I gave you sound advice, which was if you are going to attempt reconciliation with your husband, it isn't going to happen if you are worried about your x-AP's feelings. 

Had a great weekend.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Lots of good advice here, it's just not a good idea for a WS to post here. It takes way too much time and effort to get a point across, untwist every word and explain everything that was taken out of context. There are only very few BS that are able and also willing to help a WS.
> There are a lot of things I would like to talk about, a lot of questions I would like to ask but I don't. I rather keep it to myself and spend time with my husband. I simply don't feel like putting up with all the hate and anger that people on this forum feel entitled to dump on me.


See this is the problem. Alot of BS are giving the WS a glimpse of what more than likely is going on inside the mind of someone who was betrayed. And they are going to tell WS what they more than likely will and won't like in the behavior of their WS.

It would be wise to listen. That is IF a WS is truly interested in how to help a BS cope with what they have done. It might come off as harsh, but if you don't understand how a BS might react to some of the bull WS's continue to do, then reconciliation will be rocky at best, if not non-existent.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

It took me days to get you to understand that *I canceled* a meeting with the OM before my husband found out about the affair. You spent days arguing that I must have canceled the meeting after my husband found out. In the end, you blamed it on my not making myself clear, LOL. 
That's what I'm talking about. You and some others are so caught up in your own anger and bitterness, you are either unable or unwilling to approach a WS without projecting your own misery onto their situation. Your critisim isn't constructive at all. You assume alot, you misunderstand a lot (let's assume you read too fast).
It's not enough to say "Look at me, this is what your husband is going through, this is what you turned him into." That seems to be all your are able to convey. You are very good at it and at some point in their journey, it is something every WS has to realize. You can yell at the homeowner who blew up their house all day long but if you aren't willing or able to show them how to rebuild, then you aren't really giving advice.
I had to ask several times "alright, so tell me what to do" until you were able to understand what I wanted: Advice, not you pointing your finger at me and projecting whatever was done to you onto me. 
I don't doubt that you mean well but you are going about it the wrong way.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> It took me days to get you to understand that *I canceled* a meeting with the OM before my husband found out about the affair. You spent days arguing that I must have canceled the meeting after my husband found out. In the end, you blamed it on my not making myself clear, LOL.


Because you didn't




> You and some others are so caught up in your own anger and bitterness, you are either unable or unwilling to approach a WS without projecting your own misery onto their situation.


No, not my fault if you can't tell a story.

And you can dispense with the bitter remarks. It doesn't affect us. Its a lame attempt from those who betray to insult those that were betrayed. It doesn't work. Sorry




> Your critisim isn't constructive at all.


Really? Telling her she needs to quit worrying about her OM and focusing on her husband isn't constructive?

Interesting.




> It's not enough to say "Look at me, this is what your husband is going through, this is what you turned him into." That seems to be all your are able to convey.


Then you aren't reading everything.




> I had to ask several times "alright, so tell me what to do" until you were able to understand what I wanted: Advice, not you pointing your finger at me and projecting whatever was done to you onto me.


Problem is, most of you continue to cause damage to the marriage because you just don't get it. Like reconciling with a husband, but then worrying about if the OM is upset that his x-MW is working it out with her husband.



> I don't doubt that you mean well but you are going about it the wrong way.


Your opinion, and you are entitled to it.

My opinion is there is way too much coddling of those that screwed people over that CONTINUE to screw their BS over in their own way. So as long as someone doesn't give them a V8 smack to the head to realize it, then they will never respect their spouse enough to reconcile.

And if they still don't realize that they are still disrespecting their spouse, then they just need to divorce and set them free.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

So, you are not bitter, huh?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> So, you are not bitter, huh?


Nope. Doesn't mean I can't call it like I see it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> i guess my question really is Other DLS, how do u stop letting the OM & things like him fishing not consume your toughts? Or not let those joint triggers effect you? Or how can my H & I work through these together?


If you don't allow any possibility for him to fish, it won't happen.

Meaning, you could block his #. Or change your #. Wheret here is a will, there is a way.

Re: triggers... when you think of OM, remember the look in your husband's eyes/face when he found out you cheated on him. And remember every argument/and sh!tty thing that has happened as result of your cheating. 

You can train your brain to associate the OM with negative thoughts. Shame, all of it. 

Again, where there is a will...

Now, the question is: are you willing?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Nope. Doesn't mean I can't call it like I see it.


LOL, same here, same here!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dex goes better shaken with a twist of lemon.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I simply don't feel like putting up with all the hate and anger that people on this forum feel entitled to dump on me.


I agree that there are a lot of posters who post more critical comments than they do anything constructive.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> Dex goes better shaken with a twist of lemon.


And a dash of tabasco.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

Couldn't help but chip in here. My insecurities around my wife having been unfaithful took me into therapy a few years back. I occassionally still grapple with these emotions and yet too date there is not a shred of evidence that she has ever been anything but faithful in our 25 year marriage. 

A year ago my world was turned upside down when I became limerent over another woman. The fantasy stayed in my head ( I hate to think what would have happened had she reciprocated) but it made me realise how easy affairs can happen when boundaries get crossed. It also made me realise how long these feelings can hang around for another person that is not my wife. It's a primative response to help us bond and is due to dopamine. Just because the WS decides on no contact, it does not mean the feelings for their AP are going to cease instantly. It can typically take from 1 to 3 years for these emotions to settle. It does not mean that person is not committed to R, and being authentic with communicating these feelings to the betrayed can help with rebuilding the trust. Just my two cents worth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Everytime I hear the OM's name (lots of people have the same name), I feel a jolt in blood pressure, I feel very uneasy. Yes, I think about the OM from time to time, in disgust. Everytime I feel uneasy, I'm overwhelmed with worry that my husband might notice so I try to act normal and the more I try to act normal, the more stupid I act. The more stupid I act, the more suspicous it looks. On the other hand, I can't say "Oh honey, the actor in the movie has the same name as the OM and that raises my blood pressure because it upsets me." I can't say it because it means to cause a trigger in him. I do whatever I can do keep my triggers silent and unnoticed. I leave the room, go for a walk or bury myself in work - whatever it takes.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree that there are a lot of posters who post more critical comments than they do anything constructive.


Of course to cheaters it seems that way.

Again, I told her that she needs to quit worrying about whether the OM is hurt because she decided to reconcile with her husband. Reconciling with her husband is what she should be doing. As long as she is worried about hurting the feelings of the man that slept with his wife, there is no reconciliation, unless she successfully conceals her fondness of OM from her husband.

If that isn't constructive because the cold hard truth of it isn't what cheaters want to hear, then so be it.

Bottom line, she needs to quit worrying about whether her OM's feelings are hurt or if he is having a bad time with his spouse. Thats his problem now, just as AB is now responsible for attending to her marriage.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dex, I don't think allybabe cares about the OM's feelings in the way you think. She's just analysing the situation from a bigger perspective and that doesn't mean she's concerned about hurting his feelings. Not all cheaters fit the stereotypical mould, fourty,jelly,allybabe are an example of this.


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## lascarx (Dec 24, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Dex, I don't think allybabe cares about the OM's feelings in the way you think. She's just analysing the situation from a bigger perspective and that doesn't mean she's concerned about hurting his feelings. Not all cheaters fit the stereotypical mould, fourty,jelly,allybabe are an example of this.


I'm not sure that there is a stereotypical mold. I think everyone would at first agree on the idea of one, but as you started asking around as to what is it, everyone would say something different. Same as the definition of a serial cheater, you can forget trying to pin that one down.

What does strike me about the cheaters here is that I don't think I've seen a single one who will cop to having made a 100% conscious choice to cheat, in the same way that they would think about any other possibly life-altering decision. It's all about fog, hormones, momentary weakness, pick your euphemism. It's never about I saw something shiny and I decided I wanted it even though I knew it was wrong. Makes the whole notion of remorse a bit doubtful. Regret maybe, not remorse.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Everytime I hear the OM's name (lots of people have the same name), I feel a jolt in blood pressure, I feel very uneasy. Yes, I think about the OM from time to time, in disgust. Everytime I feel uneasy, I'm overwhelmed with worry that my husband might notice so I try to act normal and the more I try to act normal, the more stupid I act. The more stupid I act, the more suspicous it looks. On the other hand, I can't say "Oh honey, the actor in the movie has the same name as the OM and that raises my blood pressure because it upsets me." I can't say it because it means to cause a trigger in him. I do whatever I can do keep my triggers silent and unnoticed. I leave the room, go for a walk or bury myself in work - whatever it takes.


Actually I think that's exactly what you should do. I've read "His Needs, Her Needs" "Love Busters" and "Surviving An Affair" and while I don't agree with all of what Dr. Harley suggests I absolutely do agree with his Policy of Radical Honesty. Your husband is going to notice your uneasiness. If you don't tell him exactly how you are feeling you are essentially shutting him out of a very important part of yourself. I'm sure you did that during your affair and keeping things from your husband is a much worse trigger than telling him the truth of how you feel.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'll cop to it. I didn't wake up one day and say "gee I want to go find an affair today." I didn't wake up one day and say, "today I really want to do something that will crush my wife." 

I guess it's kind of like the difference between murder 1 and murder 2. I made the choices and decisions to cheat, but they weren't premeditated - that doesn't make them any better though. I could have made the decision not to cheat but I didn't.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> *Of course to cheaters it seems that way.*
> 
> If that isn't constructive because the cold hard truth of it isn't what cheaters want to hear, then so be it.


What is up with your comments? I simply said that some posters do offer a lot of criticism versus anything constructive. 

You seem really angry. Most of yours post are the same song and dance and your negativity is endless. And your little side comments: "That's what most cheaters would say/think/etc" are not helpful or productive.

If you'd like a website that caters only to the betrayed, then perhaps you can start one.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is up with your comments? I simply said that some posters do offer a lot of criticism versus anything constructive.
> 
> You seem really angry. Most of yours post are the same song and dance and your negativity is endless. And your little side comments: "That's what most cheaters would say/think/etc" are not helpful or productive.
> 
> If you'd like a website that caters only to the betrayed, then perhaps you can start one.


Just curious but isn't there a website like TAM that separates BS and WS into different forums?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know. But I know that TAM doesn't and the Coping with Infidelity section is open to all.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Who said she is worrying about it? No one but you Dex.


Uh, read her first post. She is worried about if her OM is having a hard time with things, and of all things, the fact her an her H are trying to reconcile.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What is up with your comments? I simply said that some posters do offer a lot of criticism versus anything constructive.


Simply eh? Bah, matters not really. Say what you like. I'll consider the source.




> You seem really angry. Most of yours post are the same song and dance and your negativity is endless.


Again, it may seem that way to you.




> And your little side comments: "That's what most cheaters would say/think/etc" are not helpful or productive.


You have comments of the same. Everyone does here and there. There wasn't anything productive in your comment either, but you posted it just the same. 




> If you'd like a website that caters only to the betrayed, then perhaps you can start one.


I'm sorry, I didn't know that this was only for those that have cheated on someone and that those of us from the BS only point of view have to create a new site

I post from my experiences, just like everyone else. I offer one point of view, others, like you, offer a differing point of view. They are called opinions.
And ever since I started posting, you haven't liked what I had to say. Yes, I will support a BS, and if they chose a path different than what I would take, more power to them.

You took exception to my "leave the cheater" stance, and now I know why. You are one yourself. Sorry, but thats the way I see it. No good can come from staying with one. But if someone does decide to do just that, I wish them the best.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Actually I think that's exactly what you should do. I've read "His Needs, Her Needs" "Love Busters" and "Surviving An Affair" and while I don't agree with all of what Dr. Harley suggests I absolutely do agree with his Policy of Radical Honesty. Your husband is going to notice your uneasiness. If you don't tell him exactly how you are feeling you are essentially shutting him out of a very important part of yourself. I'm sure you did that during your affair and keeping things from your husband is a much worse trigger than telling him the truth of how you feel.


I've done that in the past, several times, and it never turned out well. He does not want to talk about it at all. It's almost like he's trying to ignore it. I don't have a problem telling him how I feel about something triggering, it's just that it really seems that he doesn't want to hear about it. Radical Honesty: few months ago I dug up a letter that explained a lot of things that I wasn't able to prove previously. When I showed him the letter, he freaked out. He yelled and screamed and basically threw me out of the bedroom. I didn't know what to make of it. I thought he would be .......well relieved.....that it turned out I told the truth. Instead he got very angry. I know it triggered him but was I to not show him the letter and let him continue to think I was lying about it?

I don't think any of us put a red mark in their calendar saying "Initiate Affair". I don't doubt that some people have revenge affairs that are planned.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> No good can come from staying with one.


No good can come from staying with one - for you. There are several betrayed spouses here who have happily and successfully reconciled long term and I think would tell you that much good has come from their decision.

Could they end up getting burned like bandit.45? Sure, but the possibility that someone will cheat on you or betray you is always there.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Dex, I don't think allybabe cares about the OM's feelings in the way you think. She's just analysing the situation from a bigger perspective and that doesn't mean she's concerned about hurting his feelings. Not all cheaters fit the stereotypical mould, fourty,jelly,allybabe are an example of this.


*"So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it, if he is in crap for it, if they are even still together, if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest"*

I understand your point, but with what said above, it doesn't sound that way to me. Her mind is racing wondering if he is hurting. And all I'm saying is, who cares? He made his bed, he now has to deal with it on his own. Its her husband she needs to be concerned about now. What happens to the OM shouldn't be any of her concern if she is suppose to be reconciling with her husband. All I'm saying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Again, it may seem that way to you.


It does. 



Dexter Morgan said:


> I'm sorry, I didn't know that this was only for those that have cheated on someone


Huh? 



Dexter Morgan said:


> You took exception to my "leave the cheater" stance


What are you talking about?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Simply eh? Bah, matters not really. Say what you like. I'll consider the source.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


OMG, how big a slice of lemon should I cut?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> OMG, how big a slice of lemon should I cut?


MASSIVE. Here I will help you, Fourty. It helps if you sprinkle it with a lot of salt, too.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I've done that in the past, several times, and it never turned out well. He does not want to talk about it at all. It's almost like he's trying to ignore it. I don't have a problem telling him how I feel about something triggering, it's just that it really seems that he doesn't want to hear about it. Radical Honesty: few months ago I dug up a letter that explained a lot of things that I wasn't able to prove previously. When I showed him the letter, he freaked out. He yelled and screamed and basically threw me out of the bedroom. I didn't know what to make of it. I thought he would be .......well relieved.....that it turned out I told the truth. Instead he got very angry. I know it triggered him but was I to not show him the letter and let him continue to think I was lying about it?
> 
> I don't think any of us put a red mark in their calendar saying "Initiate Affair". I don't doubt that some people have revenge affairs that are planned.


I think I remember that post. I believe many of us said that we thought your husband needed counseling for PTSD because he wasn't dealing with the backlash of emotions very well. Did he ever seek counseling?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Because we're self employed, we don't have health insurance. I don't mind paying for IC at all but I can't make him go. There are several things he has said recently that keep coming up with me: He didn't want to go to MC because he didn't want to open that can of worms again and he didn't want to have to throw knives at his wife. To me that says "I don't want to talk about it" and he has said that he has his own way of dealing with things. I think his way is wrong and unhealthy but that's just my opinion.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Because we're self employed, we don't have health insurance. I don't mind paying for IC at all but I can't make him go. There are several things he has said recently that keep coming up with me: He didn't want to go to MC because he didn't want to open that can of worms again and he didn't want to have to throw knives at his wife. To me that says "I don't want to talk about it" and he has said that he has his own way of dealing with things. I think his way is wrong and unhealthy but that's just my opinion.


Well just make sure he knows that you support him going to IC or MC for the both of you. Like you said you can't make him go. I agree with you that I don't think his way is healthy at all.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

Dex, your takin' this thread to a whole other level. I could hear Luda right 'bout now- _"BOOM... get out tha way... get out tha way!"_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> *"So now my brain is racing & constantly wondering she got it, if he is in crap for it, if they are even still together, if it will hurt him to know that my H & I are being open & honest"*
> 
> I understand your point, but with what said above, it doesn't sound that way to me. Her mind is racing wondering if he is hurting. And all I'm saying is, who cares? He made his bed, he now has to deal with it on his own. Its her husband she needs to be concerned about now. What happens to the OM shouldn't be any of her concern if she is suppose to be reconciling with her husband. All I'm saying.


*......angry at him for his part in crushing my marriage, not because I still care positively about him. But the latter is prob what my H thinks though. I really feel like i cannot just ignore my thoughts cuz I want to learn how to break them because I want to give not 1 minute more of my life to that man. *


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Wayward? Is that a polite white person's word for evil cumslurping dirtbeotch?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Wayward? Is that a polite white person's word for evil cumslurping dirtbeotch?


Ummm, I guess it could be interpreted that way.


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## Allybabe_18 (Dec 24, 2011)

I'm not sure what reply I could possibly add. Sorry I asked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ally-- I hope you won't stop posting at TAM after reading some of the comments on your thread. Some of us want to help you and not talk down to you/about you. Unfortunately for many people who come on here to post their stories, they are met with a lot of nasty posts. Please do not let that deter you from posting here. 

My advice is to cut off all ties with the OM and change your # so he can't contact you again. 

You were right to tell your husband the OM tried to reach out to you. Get into MC w/ your husband if you haven't already and also, try to associate any triggering thoughts you have of the OM to the pain your marriage has gone through because of the affair.

I wish the best to you and your husband.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Shrug it off Ally - all that really counts is what's between you and Dinger. This is just the internet, where everyone can throw stones because no one else can see the house they reside in.


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## lost2011 (Dec 12, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Shrug it off Ally - all that really counts is what's between you and Dinger. This is just the internet, where everyone can throw stones because no one else can see the house they reside in.


:iagree: Wow, with the comments I have seen why would a WS want to come on here and help any BS and get a beating. I too questioned caring about whether the OM was hurt but her feelings are whats reality. She obviously wants help to deal with it like she has stated.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

As long as Ally is up front and honest with dinger this fishing by the OM will die just like the affair. It's a natural occurrence.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ally, there is always the 'Edit Ignore List' in the 'User CP' page. I suggest that you use it to screen out those members that you consider offer no constructive advice to you.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

morituri said:


> Ally, there is always the 'Edit Ignore List' in the 'User CP' page. I suggest that you use it to screen out those members that you consider offer no constructive advice to you.


That only works if nobody quotes the person that is on the ignore list. You still go broke buying tons of lemons and salt.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Allybabe_18 said:


> I know that it makes my H wonder if I am wanting to know because I am possibly still in contact or still have feelings for him. He has every reason to not believe me because after dday1 we did stay in contact just went underground. I once randomly showed my H a text from the OM & played dumb as to hide the continued A from him. ***That is NOT the case now***


What was your line of thinking? Why did you keep in contact? Was it kind of a back up option? You know, that moment you showed him a text from OM and he believed you. What did you think immediately after?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> As long as Ally is up front and honest with dinger this fishing by the OM will die just like the affair. It's a natural occurrence.


I agree, but that honesty might include telling her H she is wondering if OM is hurt by their reconciliation. If I decided to reconcile with a cheater, and she told me she wonders if the OM is hurt, my first reply would be, "why do you care?"


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Just curious but isn't there a website like TAM that separates BS and WS into different forums?


Survivinginfidelity


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> I didn't know curiosity was a crime Dex? Or that it meant wondering meant worrying...Here is what she wrote about wondering.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Uh, didn't I say "wondering" in the last post? I believe I did.




> Her question was how does she deal with these thoughts and stop them from consuming her life?


And I told her to focus on her H and forget about the OM.




> If you have nothing constructive to add or offer, just leave the thread.


Sorry, I don't have to leave anything. I told her straight up what she needed to do.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Looks like Dexter was right after all!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Looks like Dexter was right after all!


Yeah, perhaps TAM should have a tag that can be added for failed spouses like Alleybabe who are confirmed unremorseful cheaters so that future readers can be warned that they are reading the words of a unremorseful ongoing cheater.

Maybe a "confirmed cheater" mark like myth busters use when the confirm a myth?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

TBH, I never bought her spiel. I'm sure that plenty of people probably feel the same way about me as well but, cest la vie. I do feel so bad for dinger though, although he does seem to be in a much better place now.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I've seen some WS pretend to be helping their BS when in reality it's just a way to continue obsessing about the affair and AP. It's really sad for the BS who believes their partner is learning and growing into R and instead the WS is just twisted enough to keep relishing all the details in such a cruel fashion.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just read all the threads associated with this. Really crappy story - one where the lying scumbag cheaters win! Not sure if it has to do with money (very possibly) but also to do with abuse of position and power in place of employment. Dingerdad, as far as I am concerned lost badly. She cheated and eventually got the kids moved to her soulless house with the POSOM and Dingerdad had to move to another city 45 mins away - and still refuses to post the [email protected] on Cheaterville! So sad.


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