# Ongoing Separation and Feelings Rebound



## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

I am currently struggling with a "need to make it work feelings" relapse.

A short synopsis: My wife moved to a different state five months ago where she found a job and where is living with her sister who is freshly divorced (6 months). We had a very rough year before that.

The full thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/242538-marital-life-one-engineer.html

I have been talking to many of our friends and pretty much all of them say that it was mainly me who caused the relationship to fall apart. Always good intentions, horrible execution. Hmpf. 

The thing is that she has not filed for divorce yet. I know she has not taken any loans (been checking credit score/history) and that she is not seeing anyone. Based on the information I have she has made some girlfriends and does the things she has always like to do.

The friends have been telling me to fight for the marriage, to make the connection, to move there as well. I trust these friends. They are good people who mean well and who have been here for me and my wife all along.

Following her leave and going through a horrible period of being alone (my family is in Europe), I decided to eventually move back to Europe to be closer to my family but talking to the friends have made me uncertain once again. And I found myself writing a letter of apology, I have found myself making plans to move to the same city she is in and I have found myself to be overall losing the mental balance I achieved in the past six months. I have also been realizing how difficult it would be to bridge the gap again, to gain trust, and how much would have to be sacrificed to even have a chance to try again since we are not living in the same state anymore.

She has not filed for divorce yet and is apparently not seeing anyone. But at the same time she does not seem to want to come back here. So the only solutions are either me giving up the career here, moving there and somehow trying to make it work by starting over or just dropping all the efforts and staying put here for the moment, which will lead to a divorce early next year.

What would you suggest to do?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Get some new friends.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Counseling for yourself.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What do you want? Not your friends and not your family....what do you want

Let's start there


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with looking at what you want....

Are your needs being met? How is this limbo effecting you long term?

Perhaps sorting it through with a counselor would be beneficial.

After a year...a decision needs to be made by both parties. If no progress is being made, as couple, then you need to possibly move on. Discuss this with her, at this point. If she's still ambivalent about doing anything different....then you may need to start over.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

scientist said:


> I have been talking to many of our friends and pretty much all of them say that it was mainly me who caused the relationship to fall apart. Always good intentions, horrible execution. Hmpf.


They didn't live with you two 24-7, so take that with a grain of salt. They don't have the full story.

You have now experienced some detachment from her. 

Get to 50000 feet and tell us how you now view the relationship over the past several years.

What went wrong and what went right? Were your needs being met ? 

Hers apparently were not. But was that you or was it her? Or was it both? 

And for your part what would you change? Because I don't believe that where you were living was the only thing keeping this relationship from being healthy.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scientist 

Something seemed seriously 'off' with your entire situation from the start. 

For instance, either you are leaving out critical information in your posts, or one of the two of you suffers from a serious mental health issue. 

You basically describe a relocation as the catalyst for your marriage falling apart. 

In your mind, your wife was supportive of the move, until you took the new job and moved to the new city. At which point she claimed that she had never agreed to go. 

Moving cities is such a huge thing. No one does that without achieving acceptance from their spouse. No one. 

You seem like a mostly rational person. So I don't believe that massive disconnect was mostly you. Instead I believe your W either had trouble finding a job or simply decided she didn't want to move - but made that decision after you had already left. 

At which point she gas lighted you. Meaning, she intentionally misrepresented events, to put the blame for that disconnect on you. 

Even worse, when you returned home she totally froze you out. 

Totally froze you out. 

She DOES NOT LOVE YOU. 

As for your execution problems, I imagine they are real. I also believe they are hard to fix, and even fixed won't likely result in her loving you. 

A good example of 'execution issues', relates to having a realistic grasp of relationships even when that grasp is painful. 

It is insane to equate the absence of a divorce filing with the presence of love. 

She DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If she DID love you, she'd be unhappy now. And telling you so. And reaching out to you. And acknowledging some responsibility for the marriage failing. 

And yes - I bet she wants you to move to where she is. If I recall correctly divorce law is much more favorable to her there. 




scientist said:


> I am currently struggling with a "need to make it work feelings" relapse.
> 
> A short synopsis: My wife moved to a different state five months ago where she found a job and where is living with her sister who is freshly divorced (6 months). We had a very rough year before that.
> 
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If she hasn't initiated divorce, she's holding the strings which are still tethered to you. It's working, after all, isn't it? 

Your friends may or may not mean well, but they're not you and they don't live in your shoes. You need to make your own decision, without their weigh-ins influencing it. 

You have the power to divorce. I'm not sure what you're waiting for. Life moves on, with or without you. Pining for the past isn't going to help you put one foot in front of the other. 

You haven't even begun to learn to detach. How can you when you haven't taken action to move forward? 

There are no guarantees in life. Your desire to move near her and wow her is a fantasy that could end in sore disappointment. Is she banging down your door to beg you back? No? Then she's happy to keep things in limbo.

Time for you to cut those tethers.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find out how long it takes to live in Fla before you can divorce under their laws. She may be playing you.

Do the two of you still talk? How much? Has she be asking you to move there to be with her?


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Dear all,

Thanks for your input. 

Friends indeed mean well but are not privy to all the details.

I talked to my wife and asked her why she has not filed since she is the one who left.

She replied that she will file since we have been apart for six months and we both seem to be handling the situation well (that we are both well and alive...).

The case is closed now. What a relief. It's so good to have a closure and think about what's next in life.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Scientist
> ...
> Even worse, when you returned home she totally froze you out.
> 
> ...


MEM11363 - 

My most sincere thanks for your post. I have highlighted the sentences that resonated with me the most.

Oh gosh, now that the veil has been slowly lifting I see how much twisted (FUBAR?) this relationship actually was.

Too bad we wasted a year of each other's life.


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## scienist2 (May 16, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Find out how long it takes to live in Fla before you can divorce under their laws. She may be playing you.
> 
> Do the two of you still talk? How much? Has she be asking you to move there to be with her?


We did not talk much. Occasionally, once per month. 

Not a word about me moving down there.

She is living with a twin sister, who was apparently not a big fan of me. It's actually quite funny. The twin sister was the one who pushed for us to start seeing each other and now she took part in the end. I wonder if this has happened before. I think it did... and not once.

Now I know why they try to separate twins here in the US at school. To minimize the twin co-dependency.


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