# He choked me. I don't know what to do.



## lolal (Mar 1, 2014)

Here's the story. I'll try to make it brief.

My boyfriend of 5 years and I own a business together. We have an office and one employee - his dad.

Last week I made a mistake and he got on my case for it (rightly so). I apologized and acknowledged that I effed up. I thought it was over.

Yesterday the same issue came up again and he started getting on my case again for the same thing as last week. Nothing too terrible or anything, but it was really getting on my nerves and adding stress to the situation. Finally I said loudly "Stop yelling at me!" This was while his dad was there in the next room and even though I didn't scream it or anything, I'm sure he heard and it embarrassed my boyfriend.

Just a side note - My BF is super sensitive to being embarrassed. When most people would just feel slightly embarrassed about something, he's mortified. Especially when it is in front of his family. 

Also, there is an office next door and they might have heard because the walls are very thin. I didn't hear them there yesterday, but we can often hear conversations word for word when they are just talking in normal voices.

Anyway, my boyfriend then got in my face and called me a B*TCH and a "public embarrassment." He left and I went back to my work. But a few minutes later he came back and started getting in my face again for embarrassing him in front of his dad and then started calling me a retard and worthless. He was talking intensely and spitting in my face (not intentionally) so I put my hand in front of my face to block the spit. He slapped it away and started calling me names again and threatened to drag me into the bathroom and beat me.

I told him not to threaten me and I wouldn't tolerate it. In that moment, his dad walked into the room and probably heard me.

My boyfriend then proceeded to point to me and tell his dad "see this is why I'm always late. I have to deal with THIS." ("This" being me. Apparently I don't have a name and I'm not even "she" -- I'm just this.)

He is always late regardless of if I'm there or not and his family has told me that has always been the case, even before we met. I looked at him and asked him, right in front of his dad, why an almost 32 year old man was running to his daddy with his relationship problems. I probably shouldn't have done this. It was mean and uncalled for and I regret saying that.


His dad kind of just rolled his eyes and tried to change the subject, but I walked away and went into the bathroom (the only room with a lock) and started crying.

His dad left, and my boyfriend came back and demanded I come out because he had to leave. I said "why do you need me? just go" and I said it loudly because it was through a door so he could hear me. The volume of my voice was apparently hugely offensive, probably because there might have been someone next door. He told me if I didn't open the door that instant I would be sorry. I didn't. So he took a screwdriver and took off the doorknob and that's when it got violent.

He grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall. I hit my head at least three times. I have a headache today - not sure if it's related because I get headaches a lot. He had a screwdriver and was holding it like a knife, as if he was going to stab me with it. He then grabbed my neck with both hands. Then he realized what he had done and stopped and apologized and hugged me.

All last night he said he was sorry and knew he shouldn't do that, but we BOTH need to work on how we treat each other.

Honestly I don't know what to do. I want to end the relationship, but if I do there will be very bad consequences.

I'm at my parents' home right now because my mother has cancer and I'm looking after her today. My boyfriend has threatened to make my mom's life hell by being a disturbance in the neighborhood. In the past when I tried to end the relationship he said "I will show up at your door and your mom can't handle the stress in her state." 

He has also threatened to tell people that I never worked for our business so my resume is blank for over a year and I won't be able to find work. 

I also feel bad for him because all of our business debt is in his name. If I leave, he can't afford to hire anyone ( I haven't gotten paid for a year) and the work I do won't get done. He's just one person, and even though he is smart and capable he won't be able to keep up. He can't even afford to pay someone minimum wage. If I leave, he will likely have major financial problems. So will his dad because his dad, who is retired and on a fixed income, lent the business a lot of money. 

This break up doesn't just affect me and my boyfriend. It also will negatively affect both of our families. 

I just don't know what to do. Even though I contributed to the fight, I don't think I deserved to be choked.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

lolal said:


> I want to end the relationship, but if I do there will be very bad consequences.


And if you stay, the consequences will be much worse. This is just the tip of the iceberg. 

You were verbally and physically abused. You know that, right? There are no amount of sorry's that can make this situation right. 

All through your post you almost rationalized and explained away his behavior. Explaining the tone of your voice, how he is very sensitive to embarrassment, how you shouldn't have done this or done that. How you deserved him getting on your case for a mistake you made. Please STOP THAT THINKING! 

If your head was hit hard, you may have a concussion. And the only way your head hit the wall 3 times was from him doing it for you. What? Once wasn't enough for him? 

I can't even believe for one second how you can feel sorry for this so-called man. Who cares if the business debts are in his name? Who cares if his undies won't get washed if it wasn't for you? 

Do not let his threats scare you from leaving. The law is on your side. He is bullying you into staying with his sorry a$$. 

Leave, get a protective order and stay with your mom. She needs you right now and I doubt she'll want to leave this life knowing you are being cared for by this jerk off.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree. 

What advice would you give your best friend or sister in this situation? You'd probably tell them to get the F out of his life. How the chips fall is HIS problem. 

Quit owning his problems. 

Break it off with him. Period.

Focus on your mom, and get your s*it together.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Within reason, I'm not big on the verbal abuse train. People get angry with each other and sometimes say or yell stuff they don't mean in frustration.

But this:



lolal said:


> He grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall. I hit my head at least three times. I have a headache today - not sure if it's related because I get headaches a lot. He had a screwdriver and was holding it like a knife, as if he was going to stab me with it. He then grabbed my neck with both hands. Then he realized what he had done and stopped and apologized and hugged me.


This is a much bigger problem.


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## lolal (Mar 1, 2014)

I tried posting another thread but it wouldn't let me. Is it ok to break up via text? I know if I call him or see him in person there is going to be all sorts of threats and drama.

I just want to end it. Normally, I would say ending a relationship via text is insulting and disrespectful. But what about in this case?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

He's not done anything to earn your respect. He's a nasty vindictive bully and his behaviour will only get worse. Make sure you have your stuff and somewhere to go and then dump his ass like the sorry loser he is


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

lolal said:


> I tried posting another thread but it wouldn't let me. Is it ok to break up via text? I know if I call him or see him in person there is going to be all sorts of threats and drama.
> 
> I just want to end it. Normally, I would say ending a relationship via text is insulting and disrespectful. But what about in this case?


I do not know I would say assault is a felony and he should actually be in jail. Let him know you are afraid of the man he has become and this is why you are texting him. Let him know any further threats will be met with legal action. F him!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Doesn't matter how you do it, you need to get away from this man. He clearly has major anger and impulse control issues. 

Next time might be a black eye. Maybe a broken arm. Maybe much worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

If I were you, I'd break it off over the phone so you have an idea of how he reacts to the news. If you do it by text you will have no idea if he is sad, angry or perhaps indifferent. But be prepared, this guy is going to pull out all the stops if he has a financial motive to keep you around. He'll beg and plead. 

Tell him before there can be any hope of reconciliation he needs to attend an anger management class. This may have been the first time he put his hands on you in anger but it's one time too many. And one time is all it takes. 

Hugs to you. You CAN get through this. Stay strong.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

How much harder is it going to be to untangle your lives if you leave him a year from now? Two years from now?

I think the difference between a woman who is in a physically abusive relationship and one who is not (if they had been wooed by the same man); the woman who is in a physically abusive relationship STAYED after that first event. The woman who is not would have left, regardless of the consequences financially etc, she'd be gone.

What sort of woman does your boyfriend think you are? He obviously thinks you are the type of woman who will stay, so what's to stop him from doing this again and again? Nothing.

What's to stop him from harassing you and threatening your family if you leave? Jail. Tell him you'll press charges for assault if he goes anywhere near you or your family. Find out the process and the possible penalties for what he did to you.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Please get some help first from an agency that deals with domestic violence. If I were you I would go to the ER today and tell them what happened so they can document it and see if you have a concussion. 
I know someone whose daughter stayed with her abuser. One day he picked her up and slammed her into a wall. He injured her back so badly she was out of work and in severe pain for over a year. 
I would get an order of protection too. Stay safe.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Get out. A few days ago I might have said, counselling, or whatever. But today, I'd say get the hell out. 

Why? My coworkers 72 year old mother was murdered last week by her boyfriend. She was a nice middle class, typical grandma, in a small town, living an ordinary life.

Abusive people are crazy.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Get out now. He has a explosive personality and obviously can't control himself. People like that are dangerous.

Look for a job behind his back and don't worry about his debt or if he can handle the business. 

If he bothers your parent call the police and get a restraining order.


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## SpunkySpunky (Dec 17, 2012)

Please get away from this guy. Next time you might not get away with your life. What he did is not tolerable and it does not deserve forgiveness or a second chance.

Physical violence....it never quits and it never gets any better. They never change. Trust me, I know.

I'd get a restraining order.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

A man is to NEVER lay a hand on a lady and cause her pain,I've knocked around
some of my sisters bfs and a husband and I have five sisters,I hit back.
A manchild who does this is a coward and yours has no self esteem,he'll hit you again
if you don't follow his script,get rid of him,he's not husband or father material.
You'll be sorry years down the road if you don't lose him.
Men doing this makes me sick,funny how these types back down when someone their
size steps in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

As for the breakup, I know a gal who had her abusive husband served with a restaining order and divorce papers at work and took his stuff to his parents house. It's not like he won't know why!

He says he will cause your mom grief, but there is a decent chance he just uses the threat to keep you there. Also from a moms perspective I doubt your mom doesn't know anything, she could be stressed about the current situation but is trying to stay out of your life. I can't imagine any greater grief than knowing my children are in harms way.

A guy like this is just trouble. He will always have a "reason" why he "deserves" to do this kind of thing. I had a friend with a 17yr old son like this and he choked our son. As soon as his mom made excuses for him, my dear husband said he wanted us to cut off all contact. Anyone who feels a person has a right to do harm to another, in anything but self defense is dangerous.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

I am so angry reading this thread. Your BF is crazy, please run away as fast as you can.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

What you should have done was when he choked you and had that screwdriver in his hand like a knife, called the police and had him arrested on the spot. ON THE F---ING SPOT!!

He isn't a man. I'm a man and I'll tell you this flat out. I have been slapped bit and hit by my first wife and I could have knocked her out and stomped a mud hole through her but I DIDN'T. Why? The last thing a man wants to be known as is an abuser of either women, children or both. It's a name you can't live down. You lose all respect from others. 

Now this selfish little bum doesn't like having his feeling huts or being embarrassed. The poor little boy. This is because his dad never lifted the kid off the chair and booted him in his ass and taught him how to be a man and an adult.

If he calls you, tell him to hit the road and if he threatens to come to your mothers house, then you tell him that the cops will be waiting and if he thinks money is tight for him now, just wait when he has to hire a lawyer to get his ass out of jail or a law suit. 

Don't play games with him and if I were you, I would let his dad know what he did and how he's threatening to come to you mothers house and upset her by causing trouble. I would also let him know that if it happens, you will file a law suit against him since he's the owner for a hostile work place.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Do not tell him that you are breaking up with him. All hell is likely to break lose. He does not need to know what is going on. You do not need to contact him.
Go to an abused women's shelter and ask them what to do. Please do this today. They will help you with how to handle everything, including getting your things from your place.
It is not your fault that he has put himself in this situation. You did not do anything that should cause this kind of behavior. You say he is sensitive, but he is not. He is full of himself. He is not sensitive to your feelings at all. It's only about him looking good in front of others and having you under his control. He does not love you or care for you. He is a loose cannon and you are in danger. Staying with him because you are afraid to leave is not a good reason to stay.
I don't know what the women's shelter would say, but if this were me, I'd buy a handgun immediately. If you don't know how to use it - learn. I truly believe that your life is in danger and so is your family's.
Get help today. Do not delay.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

:iagree:

An abused women's shelter will know the best thing to do.

I also think the point made that he is not sensitive but just worried how he looks is a great point. A truly sensitive person would be more tender and gentle with other people. This is just self-absorbed.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lolal said:


> Honestly I don't know what to do. I want to end the relationship, but if I do there will be very bad consequences.


Make an exit plan. You'll have to plan *some* way of minimizing the trauma in any way you can - maybe locate some grants he can apply for so he can get the money to hire someone. 

Chances are, his dad taught him some of this, so do not think for a moment that his dad is your friend. Who shrugs it off when someone treats a "loved" one like a thing instead of a person? 

Make sure YOU have a safe place, evidence of your work there, and a bit of money stashed away, and if he shows up around your mom's place even ONE time, get a restraining order immediately.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

KathyBatesel said:


> Make an exit plan. You'll have to plan *some* way of minimizing the trauma in any way you can - maybe locate some grants he can apply for so he can get the money to hire someone.


There is no time for an exit plan. He has threatened your life and your life is in danger by being anywhere near him. Minimizing the trauma means finding ways to get away and stay away from him without getting hurt. This does not include any further contact with him or trying to help him get his act together.

Have you found a women's shelter?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

:iagree:

Taking time to make a plan could mean serious danger. I would not even collect my stuff unescorted unless you can be sure he will not be there. This is not just someone yelling at you. Proof of your work etc will do you no good if your dead. 

And HIS act is not your concern.

Edit to add
If you were self employed just say so on your resume.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Have you documented your injuries and had him arrested?

Seriously. If my husband (or anyone else) EVER put their hands on me in anger and they're so gone. They'd be in a jail cell lickety split.

They'd wanna be, or my brothers would turn their nightmares into a happy place.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

IrishGirlVA said:


> If I were you, I'd break it off over the phone so you have an idea of how he reacts to the news. If you do it by text you will have no idea if he is sad, angry or perhaps indifferent. But be prepared, this guy is going to pull out all the stops if he has a financial motive to keep you around. He'll beg and plead.


I agree with this 100%. I'd also take it one step further and do it with witnesses or ideally, at a police station. If he goes off you can put him on speaker phone and the police will hear first hand what he's really like.

Good luck sweetie.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

You have a brother or someone who confront this manchild?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Sorry sweety......I don't think you should be worrying about your boyfriend's finances right now.....you should be worrying about your life instead.

Abuse becomes like a drug for some men because they have learned that violence or the threat of violence is sufficient to maintian his power. So ....don't think he's going to feel sorry for you and stop anytime soon....because it's not going to happen. 

The more you give in to his abuse...the worse it's going to get.

Please...get out as soon as you can and get a restraining order for you and your family. HIs volatile temperment is not something to play around with. Next time around....will be your last time around.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Never EVER tolerate violence!

Whatever it takes to get yourself SAFE and secure!

You can argue and "fight" and such at a later time, but violence simply CANNOT be allowed to continue.

Seriously - if violence occurs, call 911.

You can piss each other off and swear and yell another time, but NEVER tolerate physical violence - EVER.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Be very careful.

The most dangerous time for an abuse victim, is when they leave their abuser.

Personally, I would go to the local authorities and file a report & get a restraining order.

I will be thinking of you & praying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This would be the end for me.

I am betting this isn't the first time he's done something like this to you.

Abusers get worse with time.

He was completely out of line.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

No no no. He's out. I would still call the police, to tell you the truth. And what is this nonsense about him not liking to be argued with in front of family? I don't think so. Bad behavior results in consequences. He needs to see that, and fast. Maybe the police can help him with this.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Knee to the ballsacs


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> There is no time for an exit plan. He has threatened your life and your life is in danger by being anywhere near him. Minimizing the trauma means finding ways to get away and stay away from him without getting hurt. This does not include any further contact with him or trying to help him get his act together.
> 
> Have you found a women's shelter?


There IS time for an exit plan. For the moment, he's going to be in the honeymoon stage where he feels guilty for the way she "made" him act. (Yes, that's sarcasm.) I agree that she must come up with one quickly, though. If she doesn't create a plan, she will be at MORE risk when she leaves!


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Please please get out. There is no saying he will stop next time.
So what if he looses everything,gains some debts. If he wasn't such an a**hole he wouldn't of lost everything. This man grabbed your throat,smashed your head against the wall, and you show sympathy for him.
He is wearing you down,eventually he will have you feeling so belittled, worthless, incapable, You will loose any friends you have left & be left totally at his mercy, No finance, no independence just a nasty bully to look after you.
Sounds fun,enjoyable,every girls dream? ............... Duh don't think so wake up & smell the roses.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He choked you? You call 5-0 on his worthless azz. That's what you do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

19-Year-Old Aspiring Model Posts Cringeworthy Photos of Injuries After Boyfriend Kicks Her Out of a Moving Vehicle - The Root

You want this to be you? Get out, now.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Did I read boyfriend?

no question time to trade up!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He's not much of a man from what your telling us. Dump his sorry ass and find a real man. A gentleman.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As I've said before (in other threads)...

No kids?

*RUN!!! GTFO!!!*


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

I would really like for the OP to post here again to let us know she is alright.

I dont care what anyone here thinks, but not only would I break off the relationship, I would have a gun NOW. OP sounds like a good soul who can trust herself with a gun- what happens when her boyfriend's temper gets flared up by her leaving? Maybe nothing, and maybe he actually brings a knife to show the "B****" as hes called her before. This stuff happens every day as seen in the news- OP needs to be very careful!

I would also file a restraining order immediately.

OP, run do not walk away from him. The relationship is completely over. Grow eyes on the back of your head and do everything you can to get the f*** out of dodge as soon as possible.

**EDIT** OP hasnt logged in since March 1st.. its the 12th. Wed really like to hear from you OP...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK first of all there is no question in my mind that this "relationship" should end (actually it never really existed). So get away from this situation ASAP.

Secondly this "man" is a psycho and a bully. There are far too many of them roaming around in society unchecked. You should report what he did to the police not just for your own protection but to also stop him from doing this to other women in future. Also it will force him to get help for himself so you would be doing him a favour.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> As I've said before (in other threads)...
> 
> No kids?
> 
> *RUN!!! GTFO!!!*


This is my answer, EVEN IF there are kids. Kids do not need to be around that kind of violence at all.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm a little worried. It's been nearly 2 weeks - nothing. Is this normal around here? He choked her and she wants to break up and since then she hasn't logged on at all? I guess some people get a few answers and are done. Or he's already done worse than choked her.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm a little worried. It's been nearly 2 weeks - nothing. Is this normal around here? He choked her and she wants to break up and since then she hasn't logged on at all? I guess some people get a few answers and are done. Or he's already done worse than choked her.


I hope she checks back in soon!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Leave!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

southern wife said:


> This is my answer, EVEN IF there are kids. Kids do not need to be around that kind of violence at all.


True enough. Didn't mean to imply that having kids should make anyone feel as though they had to endure violence within a relationship. Apologies if it came off that way.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm also concerned. I hope you come back and let us know that you are okay.


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

The answer is very very simple. Do not stay with him. Leave. You should have already. If you stay you will ha pave way bigger issues. Seriously leave


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Nextlife said:


> The answer is very very simple. Do not stay with him. Leave. You should have already. If you stay you will ha pave way bigger issues. Seriously leave


Unfortunately, im not sure the OP is ever coming back. Thats what sucks about sites like this...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Not sure how this works - but it could be serious. Is there any way of getting a message to OP (moderators ?)?

lolal, if you read this please let us know that you are safe and well.

Is there a possibility that the scumbag has found this site and might answer on her behalf ???


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## mom1.2 (Mar 13, 2014)

call the police


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

You choke him,the law implies "good for you".
He chokes you? Call the cops.
Next is find a different SO.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

hookares said:


> You choke him,the law implies "good for you".
> He chokes you? Call the cops.
> Next is find a different SO.


:scratchhead:

Im not sure I completely follow


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hope to God you have called the cops and had him arrested by now.

Please come back and let us know you're ok.


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