# engaged, attracted to fiancee's friend



## borderline_0 (Apr 24, 2011)

I don't really have anyone that I feel like I can talk about this with, so here I am, anonymous and transparent. Sorry if this ends up being fairly long, but thanks in advance if you read it.

My significant other and I are legally married (for taxes and because I work at the college she attends, so schooling was free once we became legally married). We've been together for a little over 2 years. I proposed last August. I knew early on that she was "the one." Things have been great; she is both a great friend and lover, and for the most part, I feel like I can talk to her about anything (obviously not this). We have plans for our wedding ceremony for July of 2012. She is 20 and I will be 28 in a couple weeks. Believe it or not, neither one of us has ever cheated in any relationship, ever. She trusts me completely and would never suspect me of messing around.

As I said, I work at the college she attends, and I also am a former student, so I know alot of her friends outside of work. This past semester - basically since January - she has been very busy with work and school. Our lives have been pretty routine; lately I just don't have those same feelings of excitement as I did when we first got together. I realize these things happen, and that it's largely a result of brain chemistry (the release of chemicals that give you an emotional high). We've not really had much of a sex life either. When we were first together, her sex drive was crazy high and mine wasn't; now it's the other way around. I'm lucky if we have sex once every 3 weeks. Whenever I try to bring it up, it just upsets her because she "can't control it, it's her sex drive." 

Anyways, I've really noticed a friend of hers who is also a student. Ever since I first saw this girl I was attracted to her. It's become an obsession. I wake up thinking about her, catch myself fantasizing about being with her, even had non sexual dreams with her in it. 

I love my sweetheart very much, and the last thing I'd want to do is hurt her. I feel like I've been very blessed by God to have someone like her and to have a job where I get to see her during the day, and she goes to school for free. So if something happened with this other girl, it would be like throwing all those things away. I would lose the love of my life, probably my job (because ordinarily, student/employee relationships are off limits), at the very least. Yet, I can't seem to get this other girl out of my head. She doesn't really know me, other than because I'm engaged to her friend, and I'm the Front Desk guy at school. 

I come to you, internet, for help. Because I don't know how to deal with these feelings. It's causing me all sorts of grief and anxiety. I've thought about just admitting my thoughts and feelings to my significant other, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea either. Please help before I find myself unable to resist and make a horrible life decision.


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## Kilgore Salmon (Apr 12, 2011)

borderline_0 said:


> I love my sweetheart very much


Your "sweetheart"? 

OK, to be blunt...get past the religious ****e, realize you are a man who wants another woman badly and don't get married.

If you feel like it in 5-10 years then bully for you. Otherwise cancel.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Have you considered that you may not be ready for a monogamous committed relationship? Marriage carries many more stresses that you are experiencing now and there will be many women throughout the years that you will attract your attention. Avoiding temptation is an active process - you don't put yourself in situations either physically or mentally to make temptation too much to resist. 

It takes character and a personal code that values the feeling of others over a few moments of self indulgence. You fiancée is just 20 yr old she has plenty of time to find someone who is better suited for her if you find you lack the control and character it takes to avoid humiliating and hurting her. 

You are almost 30 yrs old an age that one would expect that you have developed the control necessary to commit. If anything, I would predict that she may regret getting in so serious a relationship at so young an age and drop you. She has not had time to know what she wants in a man. While you are day-dreaming about some girl you have not even met, your fiancée may be having second thoughts about her premature choice. 

If i were you i would would get your head out of the clouds - you are far more likely to have a 20 yo girl walk away from a 28 yo man than the other way around. She is distant and not sexually attracted to you she may be fantasizing about some hot 20 yr old guy in one of her classes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm confused. You refer to her as your fiance but also say yo are legally married.

Which is it?

Is she your wife or not?

In any event, maybe the two of you have to part. 

Don't cheat.


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## borderline_0 (Apr 24, 2011)

legally my wife. went to the dept of public health and got our marriage license, got married at the court house.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

So why call her your fiance? Seems very deceptive to me, like you are trying to deceive your self into thinking your commitment is less then it is.

I think at some stage everyone feels attracted to some one else. The right thing to do is to avoid all contact with them and focus on your relationship.

What you are doing is very unhealthy. And the most likely scenario is that you spend so much time focusing on it and forget to appreciate your current relationship and love, and she feels rejected and leaves you. Somehow it won't end well and is unlikely to end in you being with any one at all.

Life is all about choices.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She's your wife. Stop kidding yourself.

Fix your marriage or walk.

No gray area.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

borderline_0 said:


> legally my wife. went to the dept of public health and got our marriage license, got married at the court house.


That means you're married. Whatever happens in a church et al is legally meaningless without the marriage license paperwork. As far as any court is concerned, you are married and can therefore be divorced and on the hook for alimony yada yada yada.

What you do now is you tell your wife what is going on. Sexual attraction isn't anything unusual, so there's nothing wrong in being attracted to this girl.

Your wife deserves a fair warning that you are struggling though, and the lack of sex is something you guys should talk over in the context that you have a high sex drive.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The conversation needs to happen. This is the best way to do it. 

You: Just as you cannot control your "desire" level for me which frankly has been low, disappointingly low I cannot control the fact that I have a HIGH sex drive. And that high drive, left to its own devices is focusing on other women. 
Her: Thats different blah blah blah
You: I disagree (don't justify, don't explain, don't try to persuade, simply say you disagree and no matter what she says just shrug)
Her: So are you saying you are thinking of cheating on me
You: I am struggling with my commitment to you, as I am beginning to question your commitment to me. 

BTW - you seem to have this naive idea that if a partner doesn't feel "lust" they have no responsibility to try to be a good spouse. That is a recipe for disaster in a long term relationship. 

If she is not willing to teach you how to "get her in the mood" you are going to have a miserable marriage. 






Atholk said:


> That means you're married. Whatever happens in a church et al is legally meaningless without the marriage license paperwork. As far as any court is concerned, you are married and can therefore be divorced and on the hook for alimony yada yada yada.
> 
> What you do now is you tell your wife what is going on. Sexual attraction isn't anything unusual, so there's nothing wrong in being attracted to this girl.
> 
> Your wife deserves a fair warning that you are struggling though, and the lack of sex is something you guys should talk over in the context that you have a high sex drive.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't cheat. Talk to your Wife...don't know why u called her a fiancee. U also mentioned u married her for tax reasons and for free schooling...not exactly a noble reason for marrying. Hate to break it to you but the initial 'excitement' wears off in every relationship. At the end of the day it comes to this: either work on ur marriage with your Wife or end things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I agree with the general tone of the advice being given here. Don't be afraid to admit your attraction to someone else, and your desire to have your sexual needs met. If someone expects your sexual loyalty, they should make an honest effort to fulfill your sexual needs. It's just plain common sense. If they are not willing to do that, you have to question their commitment to you. 

As for being attracted to someone else, there's no good reason not to discuss that with her, your wife. Natural consequences are the best kind, and being up front about what those consequences are is just fair warning.

I will only pick one little nit, which is with what Catherine said. Women won't generally walk away from a man because he is older. That's a guy thing to do. Catherine is projecting her own correct feminine fears onto your situation. 

Throughout your marriage, you will be attracted to others, and others will be attracted to you. The content of your character is defined by what you do with that. But you can make it clear to your wife that the reason you stay true to her is not because you can't find anyone else, but because you choose to be with her. This can be quite attractive in a pre-selection kind of way.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I agree with the previous posters.

She is your wife. You are legally married. Stop trying to make it sound like it is something less than a 'real' marriage. 

Almost every married person at some point is attracked to someone else That in itsself is not a bad thing, humans are attracked to certain other people. What is important is what you do next. If you act on it then you will have cheated on your _*wife*_. Is that really the way you want to treat the person you say is 'the one'? You are almost 30 years. old. It's time to learn some self control and principles.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ManDup

Perhaps it is your fears that you are projecting making you sensitive to the notion that a 20 yr old woman would leave an older man? My warning about age is a legitimate one and has nothing to do with your projection of it being a feminist manifesto. 

Twenty year-old woman is at a different stage in her life than a 28 year old man and often has gf's that are having fun while they are with a man who has had his fun years and is ready to settle down. If he is attracted to others, why do you not think she would not? Because she is a woman? You need to get your head out of the clouds. 

To ask this man to ignore that possibility because you think that only men walk away and not woman is at best foolish advice. Maybe you walk away from all the relationships in your life but not all men are as lucky as you. He may be one of the unlucky men.

It is quite possible that she her loss of sexual attraction is a harbinger of much bigger problems having nothing to do with sex. 

My post was a strong warning meant to break his spell and bring him back down to earth and to pay attention to what is going on in his own house. I don't think it is bad advice and may well work. He asked for help and that is the best I could come up with and it is not a bad either.

Another issue is you advise is to threaten to cheat or leave, if he does not get sex. That is a common ploy for a man who is inexperienced in relationships and/or who does not understand women. 

Sex is an intimate act requiring that both people are satisfied. It is far more mature for him to try to resolve the problem by talking to his wife with love and concern without resorting to threats. Threats makes a man seem powerless and decreases sexual attraction. If she does not comply is he ready to cheat or leave? He had better be when she calls his bluff or he will seem weaker still. 

Do you really think that a woman would have sex with a man she has lost sexual interest in as a result of threats? Has this worked for you? Loss of sexual interest has many causes. For instance, the quality of the sex for her. If he does not explore all avenues, he will never solve his problem and they will part ways. 

If he threatens to cheat, he will definitely get more resistance. What has she got to loose? She is a 20 yo, she has plenty of time to find someone more suited. She is unlikely to respond to threats. He is the one on a time crunch. 

She is likely to respond to his paying her more attention, finding out how they both contributed to the problem. He cant do that while he escapes into a fantasy would. 

Why would you support his response to his problem by resorting to flights of fantasy. When there is a problem in a relationship, a man should not act like a teenager and build a pie in the sky. He should pay more attention. Any advice to the contrary is misdirected. 

He can take this advice and label it feminist and ignore it because it makes you feel uncomfortable, or he can be smart and heed a good warning. It is up to him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: the age issue -- I agree with Catherine. 20 and 28 is sooo different in age. A 20 yr old woman would, IMO, be very apt to leave someone 8 yrs older than her down the line because of the fact she is so young hasn't yet experienced much.

At 20 I could not at all imagine having been married. No way.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> ManDup
> 
> ...
> 
> Twenty year-old woman is at a different stage in her life than a 28 year old man and often has gf's that are having fun while they are with a man who has had his fun years and is ready to settle down. If he is attracted to others, why do you not think she would not? Because she is a woman? You need to get your head out of the clouds.


She is undoubtedly attracted to others, she likely will leave; I was suggesting a course of action that might restore his attractiveness. That course involves confidence, options, honesty, and leadership.



Catherine602 said:


> To ask this man to ignore that possibility because you think that only men walk away and not woman is at best foolish advice. Maybe you walk away from all the relationships in your life but not all men are as lucky as you. He may be one of the unlucky men.


It's not luck, it is almost entirely skill. 



Catherine602 said:


> ...
> Another issue is you advise is to threaten to cheat or leave, if he does not get sex. That is a common ploy for a man who is inexperienced in relationships and/or who does not understand women.
> ...


Who said anything about threatening, or fantasy? He's already having these feelings, I recommend he be honest about them, because it will help his case. Vocalizing these feelings removes them from the domain of fantasy and puts them squarely into reality. If she knows the true depths of his unhappiness she can work from a point of honesty. 

I recommend to him to avoid advice from anyone with clear issues on reading comprehension and projection.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

She is your wife. So go home, talk to your wife, and try and straighten it out. And second, it really isn't an issue that you are attracted to another woman. That happens, it's natural. However, if you act on it than that is an issue. Don't act on it, period.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

borderline_0 said:


> My significant other and I are legally married (for taxes and because I work at the college she attends, so *schooling was free once we became legally married*). We've been together for a little over 2 years. I proposed last August. I knew early on that she was "the one." Things have been great; she is both a great friend and lover, and for the most part, I feel like I can talk to her about anything (obviously not this). *We have plans for our wedding ceremony for July of 2012.*


Just curious... when does she graduate?

Free schooling seems pretty good cheese. What happens when the cheese runs out?




borderline_0 said:


> When we were first together, her sex drive was crazy high and mine wasn't; now it's the other way around. I'm lucky if we have sex once every 3 weeks. Whenever I try to bring it up, it just upsets her because she "can't control it, it's her sex drive."


I hate to say it, but my spidey sense is tingling...


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Yes, you are married. You seem to take a wide step around admitting that what you have, that woman sleeping next to you, is a "wife."

You are attracted to another woman. Do you think that if you pursue this other woman that you will always feel the same way you feel now? And if you do decide to go for this other woman, what will happen when another comes around who you are attracted to?

I would dig deeper into the reasons why you chose to marry the woman you are with now. Are you still attracted to her? Is she a best friend? Can you spend the rest of your life with her despite you current fixation with this other woman?


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## ShuttleDIK (Oct 18, 2010)

Hmm.

You both have a lot of growing up to do. Probably shouldn't be married. In my experience and if it was me - I'd work on getting out of the relationship [marriage?!] before anyone really gets hurt.

To me it's not so much about the obsession or attraction to the person you don't even know as it is about WHY you have obsession and attraction to someone you don't know.

Your subconcious is telling you to get out. I'd listen. Suppressing that part of your personality rarely has good consequences.

The good news is, you're both still pretty young. You'll get over it. 

Good luck. You'll need it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The OP never came back...


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