# BIG Problem...



## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Hello, everyone...

I've been married for three years (as of Apr 3rd), and we have two kids. One from her previous marriage and one from this marriage. Our relationship has been up and down, like most. I'd say more down than up.

Let me break down a little bit as to who I am so you guys can understand where I am coming from:

I grew up in a household where my father is an over-the-road truck driver and was gone from roughly Monday through either Friday night or Saturday midday. My three sisters and I dealt with him "being Dad" over the phone.

Shortly after high school back in '05, I enlisted in the Air Force and have been on two overseas deployments in '07 and '09 working as a logistics specialist. Now I am working as a combat engineer ("emphasis" in heavy construction).

I love my wife to death but I feel as if our marriage is crumbling. I've spoke with the minister who married us many times to get his advice and have tried the numerous things he has told me to do.

We fight about little things that shouldn't be fought over. As an example, we have more than enough money in the bank after the bills are waiting to clear (all the bills are allocated and electronically paid for - easier that way), and I get invited by coworkers to enjoy lunch with them. I send a text to her saying I'm going out to lunch and she FLIPS! 

"You fat pigs don't deserve to go out to lunch. You are always wasting money on yourselves. Try spending money on US for once ("us" referring to spouses and families)." or "Your lousy excuse of a squadron is acting like a bunch of cops. There's no reason for you guys to go over into the desert armed. That's what cops are for. You and your squadron are a poor excuse and should all be arrested,"

I can't even spend any "minor money" for me without her getting stressed. 

I got a concealed firearms permit and she even says that I got it just for attention or just to make myself look good.

In our office, we have flight dues which go for BBQs/going-away shindigs/parties and she says it is the AF committing a form of extortion. I have to pay a whole $5 a month to stay current. 

I am also a Range Safety Officer for our squadron. The job of an RSO is to ensure the safe handling of our M4 rifles and the other weapons we qualify on. Also, a secondary tasking of an RSO is to score the targets to verify whether that person qualified or not. This alternate duty is a HUGE benefit for my yearly performance reviews. She says it is just for attention and it is only to benefit myself.

A couple coworkers and I stayed after work to finish up on a homemade pig roaster for our squadron's yearly barbecue one time. When we all realized that it was going to be a late night, I sent a text to her to let her know. She immediately came back with "you pigs don't need a homemade roaster. That's what they created a gas grille for...now you're going to break your kid's hearts. You ruined their night. Thanks a lot, you jerk." The team leader of this little project noticed the disappointed look on my face and said that he knows what I am going through.

She has also told me on numerous occasions that my family is stupid and doesn't deserve to see our kids. My family relies on me to let them know how we are doing, so naturally they don't contact my wife.

She is always threatening to sue the AF or my squadron for something or another. She even says that if we were to get a divorce, she would never let me see the kids and will do everything in her power to get my parental rights taken away. 

"The kids don't need a deadbeat dad. They deserve one that actually cares."

There are many more small issues that we fight about but these ones stick out the most. 

There IS one thing though that set me off and really got me all fired up: 

SHE HAD ME ARRESTED for spousal abuse!! We had a minor argument (such as one above) and it got all fired up from there. She got my foot caught under the bathroom door and she continued to put her body against it, causing one of those "pressure marks" (i.e something is too tight, leaving a red mark). She said that I should have "moved my fat foot". Her excuse for having me arrested..............."because I deserved it"... Of course, since it happened on base, my First Sergeant and stand-in supervisor showed up at my door, took both of my handguns, had the cops roll up, and I was put in cuffs. My actual supervisor was called and I was placed on a 500-foot restraining order with an automatic no-contact order. I had NO money and next-to-no gas in my car. She didn't seem to care. I was forced to call a co-worker last minute to live with him until it all boiled over. My supervisor told me to get things straightened out between my wife and I. We saw an AF-appointed counselor and he brought our case to a review board to get the no-contact/restraining order rescinded. It was rescinded about 10 days later, and my handguns were returned.

She has been told by my supervisor, through me, that if she decides to come up to the squadron for whatever reason, she is to not have any kind of negative attitude or she can go back home. That didn't go over well. 

I'm not saying that I am completely innocent of wrongdoing. I've said and done some things to her that I regret. She has mentioned to me many times that all I do is lie, cheat and steal and do NOTHING for her or the kids. She says all I am is a jerk and only think of myself. She also says that I hardly ever spend time with my kids. I think common sense would say that if I actually didn't do anything for her or the kids, she would have left me the first time I let that happen.

This nonsense is affecting my job, my life, my well-being, my family and my friends. She always seems to be negative about things. She has also threatened me with a second arrest many times. This needs to STOP!

I'm the type of person that always takes the good in things and I more frequently than not have a positive outlook on life. If there's an issue with something, it is water off a duck's back to me.

I apologize that this is a really long posting but i need to get a POV from someone that I don't know. I also need some ideas as to ways to solve this without going down the road of divorce.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

OMG, I am so sorry to read your post,I'm sure you will get some great advise. All I can say is that she is sick, unfortunately she can't get well unless she wants to. All you can do is protect yourself. Document everything, tell your supervisor and whoever can help you that she has threaten to have you arrested again. You and your childen need to be away from her.
Good luck,
_Posted via Mobile Device_

And thank you for your service


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

If I come off as rude, I'm apologizing in advance...

1.) If I remotely leave with the kids, she says I will be arrested for child abuse and endangerment. 

2.) My supervisor is well aware of our issues and she wants it fixed.

3.) She plays the threat and I'm legitimately scared that she will do it again. I hardly get scared of things but that threat freaks me out.

4.) I don't want a divorce. She says she will clean me out.

According to her, I only married her for money...not true whatsoever.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yeah you can't just pick them up. But with her behavior and by documenting the courts would give you custody. Is she abusive towards the kids?

Do you have access to Individual counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Can your first Sargent help you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

...I edited my reply. Lol. See above.

My First Sergeant sent us to that counselor... She's not abusive to the kids. She also says that military folks only deserve respect when she sees it to be so. She says the American population is stupid for not seeing that we "screw families over and abandon them while we go galavanting around, wasting taxpayer dollars..."

...and thank you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Has she always been like this? Or is it sudden behavior? You mentioned it's her second marriage, why did it end ? Just trying to find a pattern.

It even hurts me how she calls you a pig, that's just awful. She clearly shows no respect for you, and a red flag is how she wants to isolate you by not speaking to your family and getting upset when you send time outside the house. She seems very controlling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Has she always been like this? Or is it sudden behavior? You mentioned it's her second marriage, why did it end ? Just trying to find a pattern.
> 
> It even hurts me how she calls you a pig, that's just awful. She clearly shows no respect for you, and a red flag is how she wants to isolate you by not speaking to your family and getting upset when you send time outside the house. She seems very controlling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We were fine for the first few months but it suddenly happened. Her last marriage ended because he was abusive and a dirtbag. I don't want to go into detail. I'm sure you understand.

I don't understand this. I've always ensured food was on the table. I cook dinner because it helps me relax. The bills are ALWAYS paid on time or ahead and frequently more than what's due. I admit, we are tight at times, but who isn't nowadays?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I understand, is she on any medications that can cause the change in behavior?

Other than that, I think you need to be very careful and smart on how to proceed. I know the people here are big fans of no more mister nice guy which you can find here: http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf I heard it helps a lot. Check to see if its legal for you to record the conversations by using a VAR, this would help with the flase allegations. This website might help http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Oh and be careful and clear your browser, last thing you want is for her knowing about this post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I understand, is she on any medications that can cause the change in behavior?
> 
> Other than that, I think you need to be very careful and smart on how to proceed.


She's not on any medication.

What do you mean by "be careful"?


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Oh and be careful and clear your browser, last thing you want is for her knowing about this post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm on my iPad and locked it. Lol


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

DooFster said:


> She's not on any medication.
> 
> What do you mean by "be careful"?


I just mean that knowing what she is capable of doing (getting you arrested) not get into heated arguments, just walk away. Don't give her any clues of what you are doing until you have a plan. As they say "don't poke the bear".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

And like I said, I think you could benefit from reading no more mr nice guy. I guess bc of the time some posters are not online but you will get some great advice here. Just hang in there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Borderline Personality Disorder...look into it. That's what this sounds like. Not good.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

I told her today that I was doing some RSO things tomorrow so cell service was going to be lousy.

"Why will it be bad?" Legit question... "There's no towers at the range, and we barely get a signal."

"How convenient... What happens if someone had to get a hold of you?"

"They send someone. We aren't far..."

"Oh, and waste precious time and gas! How stupid..."


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Borderline Personality Disorder...look into it. That's what this sounds like. Not good.


I've looked into that. Since we both have the same doctor, how would I approach it?


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## JustPuzzled (Dec 12, 2012)

I do not post on most threads because I really do not have much to offer on most problems that are raised here on TAM.

This won't be helpful, but I just need to say that your W's comments and behaviour mystify me.

When you are with her away from duty is she nice/loving/kind or is she always angry?

And thank you for your service.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> I do not post on most threads because I really do not have much to offer on most problems that are raised here on TAM.
> 
> This won't be helpful, but I just need to say that your W's comments and behaviour mystify me.
> 
> ...


It really all depends on the situation at the time. If "it" benefits her or the kids then she's happy. If I buy something for me or do something that unintentionally takes awhile, she jumps on me saying it took too long or I wasted money on myself and screwed them over. 

When she throws the "you guys suck" card, I've told her that if she believes she can do it better then she could teach us. Her reply... "I'm not wasting my time on a bunch of pigs..."


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry for what your going through.She is mentally and verbally
abusive.Your working and supporting your family.

She sounds controlling.Ask yourself has she been this way
for most of your marriage?

I will bet she did this in her first marriage and her ex didn't
put up with it.

If my wife was like this I couldn't stay married to her.I couldn't walk on egg shells.I have my doubts that she loves you.

You really haven't done anything wrong.If she wants more time with you she just has to ask you.She has no communication skills.

Shes always insulting you,your friends and your family.Shes not right.

Good Luck


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Wow...she sounds incredibly angry and resentful.

So ignore the individual issues...what do YOU believe has caused her to feel like this? Not saying it's rational or acceptable just wondering where this all began.


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## Benevolence (Oct 8, 2012)

Does she do anything outside of taking care of the kids, house, etc? I am assuming you live on a base, did you all relocate during your marriage? 

She sounds like she may be resentful and jealous of your freedom (from the kids).


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You said her first husband was abusive. Who told you that? If it was her, are there any ways to independently confirm that he was, in fact, abusive?

I ask because at this point, she's setting you up to be the next "abusive d*ckhead" ex-husband. I mean, you have an arrest record for domestic violence and everything....


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Wow...she sounds incredibly angry and resentful.
> 
> So ignore the individual issues...what do YOU believe has caused her to feel like this? Not saying it's rational or acceptable just wondering where this all began.


When I have calmly asked her what I can do to maybe help her, it is always the same response: "...stop being a jerk..." Yeah, I'm a little sarcastic in some of my responses to her on various things... I will admit that. I get that from my father. 



Adding a little more to my OP:

Everyone knows that a lie is defined as the intentional misleading of information. She defines a lie as something like "if it is not 100% accurate then it is a lie".

Example: when we first got here, my supervisor told me that she would be willing to watch the kids "whenever". Common sense tells me that it isn't literally whenever. One time, we wanted to have time to ourselves, away from the kids. I asked my supervisor if she would be willing to babysit for a couple hours. She wasn't able to because of a previous engagement. My wife didn't take that too well. "...Don't lie and say you'd be willing to watch the kids whenever and then tell me that you can't, liar!"

She also says that I go behind her back on things.

Example: this exact thread. According to her, it is "going behind her back" if I am talking about her to someone else. She's not seen this thread. 

And if I act stupid, like some people do, then I AM stupid.

If I keep information to myself, such as work-related things, then "I am excluding her". I may not have all of the information yet. That's a downfall of being in the military...just roll with the punches. 

I have a deployment coming up in the next short while. From my OP, you've seen the last time I deployed. I need to go. It's my turn. She says that I am only doing it to abandon her and the kids. I've never been to a combat zone and I would like to experience what it is like. Maybe I'm thinking a little too morbidly, but my first two deployments were way too vacation-y.

Like I said, I really dislike this negativity. It's hurting me way down deep. Like in the OP, I don't really let things affect me (and she would consider this statement a lie, saying I actually do let things affect me). 

I understand that she's a stay-at-home mom. My mother was for about 15 years. I know it can be hard at times, but she doesn't have any outside employment or isn't taking any classes. 

She hardly cleans the house or does any chore-related things. As always "it is my fault the house is a mess, because [she's] tired of picking up after a slob. The house will actually be clean while [I'm] gone." When my First Sergeant came to get me, he asked me if this is the way the house always looked. Of course, I had to white-lie him because I don't need him to overreact and call CPS. 

Which reminds me: I am a firm believer of spanking your children. I was spanked until I moved out of the house. I've had a few MINOR spanking-related bruises, but I didn't threaten to call my father in to CPS. My wife has said that if "I leave bruises on our son again, she's calling CPS and having me listed as a child abuser." Our daughter is just shy of two years and our son (the previous marriage child) is going to be five in September. It is a family tradition to have a hand-made paddle out of wood. Good thing I work in a construction squadron. We always have scrap 2x4s laying around. I've unintentionally left bruises on his behind. They didn't ever get into "abusive status". When I get after our daughter for something, it's a firm pat on the behind using my hand. I use the paddle on him. Three or four firm swats and I'm done. He gets the point and we move on. I get the feeling she doesn't discipline the kids. If she did, then my son wouldn't be compete Hell-on-wheels for her. "I am tired of my children not listening to me..." My response: "use the paddle". Hers is: "I do, jerk." 

Keep in mind that usually when I'm a work, I get these type of responses. I don't have time to just stop the project and send a lengthy text. 

She's got a few trust issues against me as well. Always claiming that if I'm taking longer than usual after work, then I am cheating on her. If I go out with my buddy to enjoy a cold one, I'm cheating on her.

She says I flirt with every female I encounter and/or work with. I've got this pretty attractive female in my office and she has the bubbly voice...always trying to keep the atmosphere cheery. My wife HATES her. I know that's a jealousy thing. This girl has asked me what's up with my wife and I've said that my wife doesn't like her for some reason or another. We both blew it off and went back to work. No "after work activities" has ever crossed our mind. I have met this girl's boyfriend and I don't think I would want to get pummeled by a 200-pound Samoan guy. I only weigh 135lbs myself. He's cool with me hanging around her while working. I don't ever let it be a me-and-her situation without a third person around in order to eliminate negative perceptions.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

She sounds like she resents your absence from the home and your time spent away from your children. You were raised by an absentee father so perhaps you see it as normal, whereas she sees it as a deal breaker. She may feel abandoned and is lashing out at you. She sounds very hurt, angry, and scared and is trying to protect herself and her kids. But she is doing serious harm and needs to know that she is NOT addressing this in a way that will fix it. You really need to communicate with her, and dig down to the very root of her anger. Find out what is causing all of this rage and see if it can be fixed.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Rowan said:


> You said her first husband was abusive. Who told you that? If it was her, are there any ways to independently confirm that he was, in fact, abusive?
> 
> I ask because at this point, she's setting you up to be the next "abusive d*ckhead" ex-husband. I mean, you have an arrest record for domestic violence and everything....


She told me he was......

I wasn't found guilty of DV, or I wouldn't have gotten my handguns back or my CFP issued. The AF conducted the investigation. They said that both sides (via police reports) showed that the intention of DV wasn't present.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Benevolence said:


> Does she do anything outside of taking care of the kids, house, etc? I am assuming you live on a base, did you all relocate during your marriage?
> 
> She sounds like she may be resentful and jealous of your freedom (from the kids).


We have only been here on this base for just over a year. When we met, she was living with her parents. Fortunately for her, her parents were only a 20-minute drive from the last base I was stationed at.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> She sounds like she resents your absence from the home and your time spent away from your children. You were raised by an absentee father so perhaps you see it as normal, whereas she sees it as a deal breaker. She may feel abandoned and is lashing out at you. She sounds very hurt, angry, and scared and is trying to protect herself and her kids. But she is doing serious harm and needs to know that she is NOT addressing this in a way that will fix it. You really need to communicate with her, and dig down to the very root of her anger. Find out what is causing all of this rage and see if it can be fixed.


I didn't see it as "normal" really. I knew he was doing what he had to do to put a roof over our heads and good food on the table. Wen he was home on the weekends, he would spend as much time as possible with the family. I loved doing duets with him on piano or keyboards. That was our thing. My sisters had their own Daddy-time with him on the weekend. My mom had her time with him as well. Everyone was happy.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: BIG Problem...*



nevergveup said:


> Sorry for what your going through.She is mentally and verbally
> abusive.Your working and supporting your family.
> 
> She sounds controlling.Ask yourself has she been this way
> ...


You hit it on the head. I'm on eggshells with her.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You can just tell her/your doctor that you are concerned about her behavior. Tell him everything including the DV situation. I would ask him to document the information as well. Aslo, in most practices they ask who can they share the patients information with, most if the time the spouse is included. If she included you, you can follow up with the doctor with treatment and diagnosis. If she did not, then all you can do is raise your concerns to the doctor. Same goes with the counseler, I would set up a time when you can meet without her. 

I would suggest you stop spanking your kids, you are giving her more ammunition to report you. This is where you have to be careful, same goes with spending time alone with her child. At this point you can't afford for her to bring up false accusations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

DooFster said:


> Hello, everyone...
> 
> I've been married for three years (as of Apr 3rd), and we have two kids. One from her previous marriage and one from this marriage. Our relationship has been up and down, like most. I'd say more down than up.
> 
> ...


She knows how to "hit" you and she's hooked.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

DooFster said:


> When I have calmly asked her what I can do to maybe help her, it is always the same response: "...stop being a jerk..." Yeah, I'm a little sarcastic in some of my responses to her on various things... I will admit that. I get that from my father.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




A grown man doesn't need to spank children to get his point across. You need to change your thinking. If your kids know you love them and you spend enough time with them just raising your voice should be enough. Your wife might be BPD, but you are absolutely wrong on this. I have two teenage boys and never spanked them. They start to cry if they disappoint me in some way. Both are very well behaved. Stop the violent cycle your Dad started. Start reading up on emotional intelligence.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

DooFster said:


> "You fat pigs don't deserve to go out to lunch. You are always wasting money on yourselves. Try spending money on US for once ("us" referring to spouses and families)." or "Your lousy excuse of a squadron is acting like a bunch of cops. There's no reason for you guys to go over into the desert armed. That's what cops are for. You and your squadron are a poor excuse and should all be arrested,"
> 
> She immediately came back with "you pigs don't need a homemade roaster. That's what they created a gas grille for...now you're going to break your kid's hearts. You ruined their night. Thanks a lot, you jerk."
> 
> ...


You need to keep a record of each and every one of the texts that she sends berating you and calling you names. You need to keep a VAR on you at all times to establish a strong record of her verbal abuse.

You need to get away from this horribly abusive woman. Don't try to fix her. There's little doubt that, once you're not around to abuse, sooner or later it will be turned on the children. Meanwhile, they've got front-row seats to their mother treating their father like a . . . well . . . pig!

And like the previous poster wrote, quit hitting your kids! How horrible that you used the tools of your trade to fashion an implement to terrorize your children (and make no mistake, that's what you've done). I, too, have two grown sons who have become impressive, balanced young men without the stigma of having been hit by their parents.

Both of you are setting terrible examples of how to be a good human being, much less parents.

Get away from this woman and straighten yourself out. The USAF will ensure you get parenting help (classes, etc.) for the simple price of asking.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

So in a way I am wasting my time and money on her?


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: BIG Problem...*



JustGrinding said:


> You need to keep a record of each and every one of the texts that she sends berating you and calling you names. You need to keep a VAR on you at all times to establish a strong record of her verbal abuse.
> 
> You need to get away from this horribly abusive woman. Don't try to fix her. There's little doubt that, once you're not around to abuse, sooner or later it will be turned on the children. Meanwhile, they've got front-row seats to their mother treating their father like a . . . well . . . pig!
> 
> Get away from this woman and straighten yourself out.


Oh she will flip if I got one. "Stop wasting money on crap..."


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

It sounds to me like she feels abandoned by you and is lashing out. Deployments, long working hours, a lot of extra curricular stuff within your squad etc. She feels abandoned, jealous, depressed, etc and is lashing out at you. I'm not justifying the extreme to which she is going but I do get that she has been struggling with some of this stuff. There are two sides to every story and I'm sure hers would come across the complete opposite of yours. I'm not saying you are wrong or misrepresenting I'm just saying that from her point of view there is something very wrong in this relationship and she has a lot of anger towards you.

Does she work or is she a stay at home mom? For anyone who hasn't been left at home while their SO deployed you can't fully understand the range of emotions.

The two of you definitely need to get into counseling.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DooFster said:


> Oh she will flip if I got one. "Stop wasting money on crap..."


Um, no she wont, because the WHOLE POINT of getting a voice activated recorder is that its a SECRET. She cannot know that you have it! I was going to suggest one to you but someone beat me to it. Your wife is psycho, holy crow. You must get her threats and tirades recorded, because she is manipulative as hell, and vindictive, as she proved when she had you arrested! I dont know why you are tolerating this treatment. 

And STOP spanking your kid with a paddle!!  If you are bruising you are going entirely too far.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

She has access to our joint account so she is going to ask me what I got with the $X.XX at (store name)...


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: BIG Problem...*



Soifon said:


> It sounds to me like she feels abandoned by you and is lashing out. Deployments, long working hours, a lot of extra curricular stuff within your squad etc. She feels abandoned, jealous, depressed, etc and is lashing out at you. I'm not justifying the extreme to which she is going but I do get that she has been struggling with some of this stuff. There are two sides to every story and I'm sure hers would come across the complete opposite of yours. I'm not saying you are wrong or misrepresenting I'm just saying that from her point of view there is something very wrong in this relationship and she has a lot of anger towards you.
> 
> Does she work or is she a stay at home mom? For anyone who hasn't been left at home while their SO deployed you can't fully understand the range of emotions.
> 
> The two of you definitely need to get into counseling.


She is saying that I am a tyrant and don't care about anyone else but myself.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

DooFster said:


> She is saying that I am a tyrant and don't care about anyone else but myself.


If your a tyrant right now, and you are currently in a subservient position - imagine how she is going to feel when you stop taking her ****.

If this has been going on like this for years, with the twists and manipulations then you have your answer.

Is it likely it's the result of someone she is listening to?


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

What is one way to stop taking her ---- ? I'm not good at being the bad guy... Time to hit her where it hurts. Not literally, mind you. More of a hit where she feels like crap for treating me like this.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

DooFester. If they are willing to lie to the point that you end up in lockup, there is NOTHING they won't do and lie about when it comes to the relationship.
Time to start considering dumping her.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

hookares said:


> DooFester. If they are willing to lie to the point that you end up in lockup, there is NOTHING they won't do and lie about when it comes to the relationship.
> Time to start considering dumping her.


Yeah, a females snake is very very dangerous. You don't know how far she will go to basically maintain her empowerment over you.

All you can do is remove yourself from the situation.

Empowerment, that's what it is guy. And a certain type of attention she receives from having her foot pressing down on your throat.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

I've been living by this phrase: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

DooFster said:


> You hit it on the head. I'm on eggshells with her.


All the signs of living with an abusive, manipulative spouse.

It's possible counseling might help but she's going to resist because that would deprive her of emotional terrorism tactics like calling the cops for domestic violence, verbal abuse, etc.

With an abusive person you have to give them choices. You can't reason with them. You give them the choice of treating you decently or else a separation, and if that doesn't change it then divorce.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Doofster, I agree with Wilderness that the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, irrational jealousy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine if her BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having full-blown BPD." After living with a woman for several years, however, it is not difficult to learn how to spot the red flags or warning signs. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and inability to trust.


DooFster said:


> I'm on eggshells with her.


If she is a BPDer, your walking on eggshells is to be expected -- and should be stopped. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> SHE HAD ME ARRESTED for spousal abuse!!


If she is a BPDer, that is to be expected. BPDers typically experienced a childhood trauma that froze their emotional development at about age four -- preventing them from developing a strong sense of who they are. Because they have such a fragile sense of self, they keep a death grip on the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim."

This is why a BPDer will blame her spouse for every misfortune (real or imagined). And this is why it is common for a BPDer to have her H arrested on false charges. For a BPDer, having him arrested is the equivalent of earning a PhD in victimhood. At the end of my 15 year marriage, for example, my BPDer exW had me thrown into jail (for 3 days) on a bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Another reason for having you arrested, of course, is to give her much more leverage against you in a custody hearing when you decide to divorce her.


> She's got a few trust issues .... always claiming that if I'm taking longer than usual after work, then I am cheating on her.


The inability to trust is a BPD trait because a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. It is an irrational fear that cannot be reasoned with.


> She has mentioned to me many times that all I do is lie, cheat and steal and do NOTHING for her or the kids. She says all I am is a jerk and only think of myself.


If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), she would be extremely intolerant of ambiguities, uncertainties, and grey areas. She therefore will shoehorn everyone into a black box ("all good") or a white box ("all bad"). Moreover, a BPDer will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor thing that is said or done.

The all-or-nothing thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of expressions such as "you never" and "you always." Hence, it would not be surprising for her to say "you do NOTHING for her or the kids."

Importantly, however, a BPDer will sometimes flip -- just as quickly -- to splitting you white instead of black. I mention this because you say nothing about your W sometimes adoring you or loving you. If she really does have strong BPD traits, you should be seeing evidence of her pushing you away and then -- while splitting you white -- trying to pull you back. Indeed, this emotionally unstable behavior is the key hallmark of BPD. Hence, if you've not seen it, it is extremely unlikely you are seeing a strong pattern of BPD traits.


DooFster said:


> I've looked into BPD. Since we both have the same doctor, how would I approach it?


I suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two ALL BY YOURSELF -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids are dealing with (and how likely she is to pass it on to one of your kids). Your best chance of obtaining candid advice is to see a psychologist who has not seen her. I say this because therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer -- much less her H -- the name of her disorder (for her own protection).

Hence, relying on your W's therapist for advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney's advice during the divorce. It is important that you seek advice from a professional who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.

I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you take a look at my description of BPD traits to see if most of them sound familiar. My post is located in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Doofster.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> All the signs of living with an abusive, manipulative spouse.
> 
> It's possible counseling might help but she's going to resist because that would deprive her of emotional terrorism tactics like calling the cops for domestic violence, verbal abuse, etc.
> 
> With an abusive person you have to give them choices. You can't reason with them. You give them the choice of treating you decently or else a separation, and if that doesn't change it then divorce.


My man is right. You have NO idea at the amount of time you are wasting with the attention you are giving to this situation. If you could get yourself into another environment, you will feel invigorated. You probably will be thinking so clearly that you will apply for an advanced degree or seek some sort of promotion.

It takes a lot out of you, I know because I've been there. I too been toyed with through my love for my ex, and it continue to escalate, continued to get more and more hellish, larger repercussions, daily verbal abuse, poor attitude, questioning, no respect, physical abuse, situational abuse and setups, the whole thing non-stop.

At first I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had no idea getting rid of a hopeless situation and putting myself into a hopeful position made SO MUCH of a difference.

To do this magic you have to remove from the situation, get the divorce, and not talk to people who are aware of it. I'd stop talking to them, and start working hard on what you want to do or improve about your life. your going to think 100% clearly from that day forward.

And you will NEVER ever let another woman use your love for her against you in that way.

Maybe the new woman you have to use the reverse selection criteria!


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

DooFster said:


> I've been living by this phrase: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!"


Fool you 25,439 times. She's been building her self up off of it.

In the realm of love they don't do it, so believe, you will be able to bless and be blessed by someone who deserves and appreciates you.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> All the signs of living with an abusive, manipulative spouse.
> 
> It's possible counseling might help but she's going to resist because that would deprive her of emotional terrorism tactics like calling the cops for domestic violence, verbal abuse, etc.
> 
> With an abusive person you have to give them choices. You can't reason with them. You give them the choice of treating you decently or else a separation, and if that doesn't change it then divorce.


What you guys don't understand is the ABUSE is her NORM. She will feel in PAIN, PHYSICAL PAIN from not being able to do it. She won't last even more than 12 hours before she gets some more blood.

Really the only thing you can do if they don't want to get help is remove yourself from the situation, it gets worse and worse and worse each and everytime they do it.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Everything was fine yesterday until this morning...just now. She said we needed to go out and get some more groceries like we usually do on the weekends. When I suggested where we could go, she immediately got a little aggressive and told me that "I am not helping the situation".

I'm thinking of where she could be seen by a therapist in order to eliminate and/or lessen this problem.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> My man is right. You have NO idea at the amount of time you are wasting with the attention you are giving to this situation. If you could get yourself into another environment, you will feel invigorated. You probably will be thinking so clearly that you will apply for an advanced degree or seek some sort of promotion.
> 
> It takes a lot out of you, I know because I've been there. I too been toyed with through my love for my ex, and it continue to escalate, continued to get more and more hellish, larger repercussions, daily verbal abuse, poor attitude, questioning, no respect, physical abuse, situational abuse and setups, the whole thing non-stop.
> 
> ...


Here's the issue I see with that: she told me that she would tell our kids that I am a deadbeat dad and don't care about them. "They'll know the truth about you..."


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Doofster, I agree with Wilderness that the behaviors you describe -- the verbal abuse, temper tantrums, controlling behavior, irrational jealousy, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Of course, only a professional can determine if her BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for "having full-blown BPD." After living with a woman for several years, however, it is not difficult to learn how to spot the red flags or warning signs. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, verbal abuse, and inability to trust.If she is a BPDer, your walking on eggshells is to be expected -- and should be stopped. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._If she is a BPDer, that is to be expected. BPDers typically experienced a childhood trauma that froze their emotional development at about age four -- preventing them from developing a strong sense of who they are. Because they have such a fragile sense of self, they keep a death grip on the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim."
> 
> This is why a BPDer will blame her spouse for every misfortune (real or imagined). And this is why it is common for a BPDer to have her H arrested on false charges. For a BPDer, having him arrested is the equivalent of earning a PhD in victimhood. At the end of my 15 year marriage, for example, my BPDer exW had me thrown into jail (for 3 days) on a bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. Another reason for having you arrested, of course, is to give her much more leverage against you in a custody hearing when you decide to divorce her.The inability to trust is a BPD trait because a BPDer's greatest fear is abandonment. It is an irrational fear that cannot be reasoned with.If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), she would be extremely intolerant of ambiguities, uncertainties, and grey areas. She therefore will shoehorn everyone into a black box ("all good") or a white box ("all bad"). Moreover, a BPDer will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor thing that is said or done.
> 
> ...


There are times in which she shows love to me... Every now and then she will get something small for me, or let me make the decisions. Just like in my first post, if I go to do something that'll remotely in inconvenience her for whatever reason, she will take it as "he is screwing me over" and "...all _ do is screw her over and don't let her have any time to herself." I've told her many times that when I am home and she wants to go do something on her own, she is free to. Still not good enough._


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DooFster said:


> Here's the issue I see with that: she told me that she would tell our kids that I am a deadbeat dad and don't care about them. "They'll know the truth about you..."


Dude, she has you snowed. Stop falling for this sh!t. You will have to deal with this as it comes, and I have a feeling she will bad-mouth you to the children whether you stay or go, so you might as well start making moves to free yourself. Can you really see any future happiness or contentment with this woman? :scratchhead:


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Dude, she has you snowed. Stop falling for this sh!t. You will have to deal with this as it comes, and I have a feeling she will bad-mouth you to the children whether you stay or go, so you might as well start making moves to free yourself. Can you really see any future happiness or contentment with this woman? :scratchhead:


Dude,

your done. I'm not sure if they call it emotional blackmail, or emotional manipulation. She is doing these things that she knows will cause you great discomfort, doesn't matter if they are true or not, because you cannot prove it. 

It does not get any better, unless she ran into a wall and was a drug addict or something and part of her restoral was to make up to you. If this is a power trip she's doing, it's not likely she will let it go.

She does this emotional blackmailing, because you still care about her and what she thinks, and you are extremely vulnerable.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm hoping to try the psychological approach first and if she's not willing to change then I will step it up from there.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

DooFster said:


> I'm hoping to try the psychological approach first and if she's not willing to change then I will step it up from there.


What she is doing to you feels like sharp knife jabs to the heart, or they feel like your guts are getting twisted, or it feels like your head gets very very hot and anger inflamed. It can sting so bad it knocks you out of your own body.

I know.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

DooFster said:


> She is saying that I am a tyrant and don't care about anyone else but myself.


projecting much?

That's exactly how she is!


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

DooFster,

First, thanks for your service.

Second, I'm a veteran of the USMC infantry and OIF. Let me make something very clear: _*You do not want to be going into combat with this kind of bullsh!t on your mind. Period, full stop.*_ I've been there and done it. One Marine got dear Johned right before Fallujah, one of our docs was flown home to deal with his insane wife (and he eventually came back), on and on. The mind [email protected] that occurs from the family drama is very, very real. Not the headspace you want to be in when you're going into combat.

I have no experience with BPD, so I can't comment on that, but I will say that your W sounds like she's setting you up to the bad guy so that when things go south, she's not culpable.

Follow everyone's advice: Record everything she does and says to you. Log all of her text messages, emails, phone calls, everything, along with brief descriptions of the circumstances. This will be important to you for two reasons: 1) If you divorce, it's evidence of her abusive behavior, and 2) It's protection for you if you decide to make a career out of the USAF. It would only take one or two more false accusations from her to shine a bad light on your career.

Yeah, she may be resentful of your career, but that doesn't give her the right to act the way she does. And let me guess, her first husband was military, too  And you guys have a joint bank account into which all your paychecks go into. And she's the sole beneficiary on your SGLI. 

You need to get far, far away from this woman. You need to get your finances in order so that she can't run off with all your money. You need to update your will. DO NOT give her full POA. You have no idea what condition things will be in when you return from your next pump. She could already be gone with your kids and your money. And you know the horrid state of the faithfulness of military spouses.

Trust me, this is not what you need.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

Doofster
Thank you for your service!

I would not go home to her again. She is threatening to put you in jail for who knows what. What if she bruises herself and call mp on you? The first time someone put me falsley in jail would be considered an enemie. Take this very seriously! She is not on your side. I don't think counsling will help her. She seems sick!

How many hours do you spend with your family a day/week? Women dont get married to be alone all the time, do you take her anywhere or spend time with her and kids?

She sounds like she has extreme anger for you! What does she recieve if she gets you back in jail again? Seems like your being set up for something. Time to get out, especially before a combat situation, you dont need mind****s coming from every angle.

Lastly do not spank your children. You think its okay to leave a little bruise? That is child abuse and you could be charged with that. Plus how does hitting your child stop whatever behavior your punishing them for? Im with you on everything but this. Never hit your child. That is very wrong.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Honestly you both sound like you need individual counseling. Her for her BPD and you for dealing with it and how you treat your kids. Making a special paddle to spank them and leaving bruises? That is abuse. And only adding fuel to her fire (I wouldn't blame her about this part). I also sense from what you wrote that you think having the bills paid and food on the table is your job--nothing else? Do you have a relationship with her? Do you spend time and talk to her? Why bring up this attractive coworker at all? Something seems off from all of your posts here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

yellowstar said:


> Honestly you both sound like you need individual counseling. Her for her BPD and you for dealing with it and how you treat your kids. Making a special paddle to spank them and leaving bruises? That is abuse. And only adding fuel to her fire (I wouldn't blame her about this part). I also sense from what you wrote that you think having the bills paid and food on the table is your job--nothing else? Do you have a relationship with her? Do you spend time and talk to her? Why bring up this attractive coworker at all? Something seems off from all of your posts here...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was raised by spanking. Having a paddle in the house isn't as bad as everyone puts it out to be. I don't even go full-force when I spank my son. I'm not that stupid...

I never specified that bills, food, and house is the only job I have. Obviously, my other part is to make sure my family is protected and well cared for.

..the attractive coworker is just an example. I didn't say anything else regarding the topic. She gets like this whenever any other female is remotely around me. She just automatically assumes that I'm cheating.

I think you're reading too much into what I posted.


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## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Lost all sympathy for you when I read that you left bruises on the kid. I'm not saying she is correct in her actions but....if anything could make me go "psycho" on someone- leaving marks on a child would be it! I've had the Dad that believed that a few bruises wasn't a bad thing.... Do you really want to be seen as that kind of father? Sounds to me like you both could use help.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> DooFster,
> 
> First, thanks for your service.
> 
> ...


You're right, I don't need this crap from her...


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

16 Apr 0720 -
Listening/watching Boston Bombing coverage. Kids making a lot of noise in our son's room. Told them to keep it down. Did not specify to eliminate/stop noise. Kids kept making a lot of noise. Turned TV up to compensate. Kids getting even louder. Megan told me to "go somewhere else if i care so much". I told her that the noise will be more prevalent and went back to listening. She said I "care more about the TV than our kids playing/_ am being too picky" and "there's no need for me to be a jerk." Told her I was trying to pay attention to what was going on. "All you do is care about yourself and what  want." She then stormed off into our room, shut the door, and locked herself inside.

Came out at 0733 with scowl on her face and "I don't care" attitude. Ignored kids and walked into the kitchen. I told her I loved her and she responded with "whatever". She received phone call from her mother (0736). She answered in good mood and played it off as if nothing was wrong.

I left for work 0740.

1445 - was told that I have a meeting around 1600. Immediately told Megan. She stressed out and said I needed to find out what the topic of discussion was. Explained that I was just told to be there and will find out when I get there. 

1608 - received text of "so what is it about" approximately 5 minutes after the meeting started, and I told her we were not done yet. "Well, I'm sure you know something."

1610 - Meeting ended and I sent her a text of "nothing about the family".

1611 - Sent a return text saying we were done and called her to tell her that I was on the way home. She was very insistent that I tell her what the meeting was about. "You people are so stupid. You aren't as good as you idiots claim you are". She hung up on me. I proceeded to redial her and let her know that I wasn't aware of the topic of discussion until I got there. She told me I should have checked beforehand and hung up on me again. 

1627 - Got home and she told me I was an idiot and that I "was being a jerk". I apologized to her for my attitude and she replied with "I don't know if I believe you anymore..."

1708 - received a call from my supervisor saying Megan contacted a coworker about me being a jerk. Told Megan not to involve coworkers and she said "I can talk to whoever I want". Had no remorse for me getting counseled over the phone. Told her I had to cook dinner. "Oh, actually putting forth effort for our children...about time..."_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How can you continue to love someone with a bitter tongue like hers?


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Oh my goodness, Doofster. You are an abused spouse. 

For now, it's emotional and verbal. She's already had you arrested. Who knows how much farther it will go?

I hope YOU realize that you're worth more than the way she treats you.

And thank you so much for protecting our country!!!!


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> And thank you so much for protecting our country!!!!


Thanks! It feels good hearing it from someone else...

I just feel like if I call it quits, I may never see my kids again or she's going to clean me out...


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

DooFster said:


> Thanks! It feels good hearing it from someone else...
> 
> I just feel like if I call it quits, I may never see my kids again or she's going to clean me out...


Continue to log every single abusive conversation, voicemail, message, heck carry around a digital recorder if you have to. Get to a therapist immediately who can also help you show proof. Talk to your superior officers on base, see if they'll be witnesses. 

She won't be able to clean you out OR take your kids.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

plasmasunn said:


> Continue to log every single abusive conversation, voicemail, message, heck carry around a digital recorder if you have to. Get to a therapist immediately who can also help you show proof. Talk to your superior officers on base, see if they'll be witnesses.
> 
> She won't be able to clean you out OR take your kids.


We got married in CA, but had to move to NV on orders. I think CA states that she's got more power than I think. Something like that.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

DooFster said:


> We got married in CA, but had to move to NV on orders. I think CA states that she's got more power than I think. Something like that.


Actually, then, it wouldn't hurt to talk to a lawyer. Explore your options, see how much power she really has. 

Again, she's abusive. I like to think a state wouldn't just hand her sole custody and outlandish alimony to someone who routinely calls her husband stupid in front of her children.

Oh, but also, you gotta quit paddling your kids. If you've left bruises that can certainly be seen as physical abuse, whether you mean it to be or not. Come clean about that to the lawyer as well.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm not going to lie: I've called her some names and been a jerk to her every now and then. Yeah, shouldn't have, but I'm sick of being told I'm to blame for the house being a wreck and blame for her inconveniences. She says that everything that goes wrong around her is all my fault.

I've backed off on the spanking......


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

Alright,
I read your thread. Im also in the Air Force (E7) so listen up and verify what I tell you with your First Sgt. 
1. You can not countine the way you are living. Mark my word, when she has you arrested again the Sq CC is going to start getting involve in your business. Not good for you.
2. Im sure this has already affected your duty proformance and affected what your direct supervison think of you. Not good.
3. Continue in your current path, you will screw up cause you are upset. This all 1,2, and 3 will effect the job you have that is providing for your family and paying the bills.
4. You know all to well the current state of the AF. We are kicking folks out right and left for sneezing the wrong direction.
5. Your wife is behond abusive, she may be sick as mentioned above in posts. 
6. Do you have any negitive indicators already aginst you? I.E. paperwork in your PIF, Failed PT tests, less than 5 EPRs?
7. You never awnsered some vital questions to this situation, I need awnsers before I can help you further (be honest, I can help you):

a. Does your wife work or are you the sole proviver in the house hold?
b. Was she a only child or very spoiled as a kid? Rich? Doesnt appreciate anything cause its always been handed to her, regardless of her actions?
c. What kind of disapline did she grow up with? 
d. You mentioned her mother, are they close?
e. Does she have any relationship with her father?
f. Are her mother and father together? If so what is the state of their relationship? 
g. Does she have a vehicle I.E. her own transportation?
h. If you needed to leave is there someone you could stay with temp, to get your feet on ground? Co-workers?
i. With your hours you work, could you work a secound job if need be? Assuming you leave her?
j. How do you know what her X husband was like. Did she tell you that? How do you know he wasnt a alright guy, whom snapped and made a mistake, like you are on the verge of doing? 
k. Was he military?
l. Were they still married/seperated when you met her? I.E. not divorced?
m. Was she a party girl when you met her?
n. How long after the X left her did she get you to marry her?
o. Did she use the talked about munipulation to pressure you into marriage?



The questions above will help, me advice you farther. Beileve me I've been there and done that. I wish to help you brother, cause you discribed my first marriage. That ended 18 years ago very badly! I will help you but you need to awnser the above questions first before I can advise you of your rights. Your not screwed as you think and you have the upperhand in this situation, you will see..............


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

PM sent to you, Sir...


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## 01coltcolt (Apr 2, 2013)

DooFster said:


> PM sent to you, Sir...


Responses sent


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

I've kinda been following your whole "story" I guess you could call it. While it sounds like she may have some issues, the picture is being painted that you are the abused one and that you're basically totally innocent. That I don't agree with. My husband and I had many of the same issues that you seem to currently be dealing with. First of all yeah you do need to at least tone it down on the spanking. I'm a firm spanking believer so I get why you are doing it but you absolutely should NOT be leaving any sort of marks or bruises. It seems like you are trying to model yourself after your father who doesn't seem like the warmest person ever. Understandable that he wasn't home much because of work but that doesn't mean that the focus should have mainly been on him when he was home. If you are in fact gone frequently for work, as military often is, then I believe you do need to step it up when you are home. I'm a stay home mom myself as well and it is very stressful. My husband used to be of the whole "well all you do all day is sit around, watch tv and eat." Umm no. I know you guys live in NV and I do know that the job market there isn't all too good. I'm sure that she would love to have a job so that she could do something for herself and to help the family gain more money but the fact is that more than likely she would only be making enough to cover child care and then what's the point? Do you realize how much work it is to keep up a house, on top of taking care of and keeping up after two young kids? Doing the same housework all the time does get very mundane and boring and if the other people that live in the house are basically undoing all the work we've just done then its like what's the point? Have you ever stayed home all day, with the kids all by yourself and just let her be and do something for her? If you haven't I HIGHLY suggest you do so that way you can understand what she's dealing with everyday. You have days off, a stay home mom doesn't have that luxury.

You both need to stop the name calling for one, it isn't right on either end. It seems like there is more to what you have done/do to her than you are letting on. My husband was a lot like you in trying to paint the picture that it was all my fault, when in reality it was both of us. He too thought I had BPD and we even went so far as to have BOTH of us "tested" and we actually found HE had some type of mood disorder. I can identify with a lot of what your wife is dealing with, my husband has a high stress job which it seems like you do as well. The AF and military in general could really give two craps about spouses and families, though they like to claim they do. It's very hard to constantly be told "oh yeah we care about you guys too and we are here for you" when in reality, they aren't. My husband brags a lot about what he does. Now it's one thing to be proud, but to constantly act like you're better than me because you're the one in the military and I just stay home with the kids does not make me feel like I am worth anything.

Do you believe what she's told you about her ex? I could only hope you would believe your own wife. Are there certain things you do that remind her of him, whether it be words or actions? Certain things that scare her or anything? You really need to take a hard look yourself and ask what you can do to make yourself a better husband and father. Again I'm not saying she's right in every action but neither are you. I would love to talk to you some more to gain some more insight and see if there is anyway I can help. My husband and I went through almost the exact same thing as you are and we are now doing better than ever. Please pm me.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I want you to see how you are encouraging and feeding her behavior:



DooFster said:


> 16 Apr 0720 -
> Listening/watching Boston Bombing coverage. Kids making a lot of noise in our son's room. Told them to keep it down. Did not specify to eliminate/stop noise. Kids kept making a lot of noise. Turned TV up to compensate. Kids getting even louder. Megan told me to "go somewhere else if i care so much". I told her that the noise will be more prevalent and went back to listening. She said I "care more about the TV than our kids playing/_ am being too picky" and "there's no need for me to be a jerk." Told her I was trying to pay attention to what was going on. "All you do is care about yourself and what  want." She then stormed off into our room, shut the door, and locked herself inside.
> 
> *Should have told her to pipe down this is important news not just as an American but, this could impact your job duties*
> ...


_

*Wow! No boundaries at all is she going to work when she gets you fired? This showes great weakness in your part, which equals no promotions for you because well your wife is out if controll.
Why are you making dinner, she has lots of time, you should have told her "well someone needs to care about the children"*_


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I want you to see how you are encouraging and feeding her behavior:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My squadron doesn't include families in anything, so I've taken it on myself to inform her of things...


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

...and we are at it again. She has just called me an "abusive piece of crap"... She makes me so angry sometimes that I cannot sleep at night.

Everything was fine for the past couple of weeks or so. That's now ruined. 

What's wrong with living by this phrase: "Don't like it, then change it. Can't change it, accept it. Can't accept it, pack up and leave..."

I'm trying to change it and accept it but I've wasted too much time and effort already.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I want you to see how you are encouraging and feeding her behavior:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How do I not encourage the behavior?


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

Why are you always pointing out what she's doing wrong and hardly ever what you're doing? You know....it's seeming like you're just trying to blame everything on her when I'm sure you have just as equal if not greater a part than she does


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

Try actually changing some of YOUR behavior for one....people feed off of each other and if you're being a jerk to her do you really think she's going to just go oh ok honey whatever you say? This isn't the June Cleaver time anymore where we women don't have guts


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

AFwifey said:


> Try actually changing some of YOUR behavior for one....people feed off of each other and if you're being a jerk to her do you really think she's going to just go oh ok honey whatever you say? This isn't the June Cleaver time anymore where we women don't have guts


I have tried, but I wasted time on it. It got NOWHERE


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## AFwifey (Apr 26, 2013)

How did you try? How did it get nowhere? I've been talking to her and she said its been great for the past month almost..but as soon as YOU revert back to being how you were..that's when the problems happen. You aren't realizing that by acting that way you are KILLING your marriage and in essence killing one of the people that you promised to love and support. If you want to be alone then you're pretty darn close to it because you are going to drive away three of the most important people of YOUR LIFE!!


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

Here's another thing that has come up:

She doesn't want to go on our vacation to Michigan here in about a month or so. That's fine, she doesn't have to go, but I am still going to take the kids with me. Of course, she wasn't all for that. I've been told that if I take the kids with me to Michigan, then she's going to have "someone" stop me. She didn't specify who this "someone" is, but according to her, "it isn't any of my concern." She's also said this to me as well: "...why should I allow my children to be exposed to a family that is too lazy to get off their butts, save some money, and come out to see the kids? Why should WE go out of our way to see them? Why do you insist on catering to them?!?"

She gave me the LOUSY reason of "you don't even check her diapers so what makes you think that I will allow you to take care of her while you're on the road?"

Yesterday was our daughter's birthday. We went to Applebee's the night before, and then to IHOP for breakfast yesterday morning. I reminded my mom (who has a slight case of Alzheimer's Disease) that yesterday was her birthday and we would like to get on Skype to talk. Well, according to my wife, when my mom logged into Skype, my dad was nowhere to be found. Most likely he was driving his truck (like he does every week) already. Obviously, when my mother wished our daughter a happy birthday, it was also coming from my dad as well. Common sense would say that. Still, that wasn't good enough, because my dad didn't physically say happy birthday. My dad isn't a sentimental person, and he's stubborn enough that we can't get him to do anything.

So can she ACTUALLY turn me in for taking the kids to Michigan with me? She SAYS she has "evidence" that states I do nothing to take care of the kids, and will present this "evidence" when I leave.

I am SERIOUSLY at my wits end with her. I've told her almost hundreds of times that if she is not willing to deal with the way things are going, then she can pack her stuff and leave. I've already got a suitcase packed up for her, and am always pulling it out of the closet and setting it by the door!

I've been told that I am "defending someone who doesn't care about our kids."

How is telling her that my dad isn't sentimental "defending him"? It doesn't make any sense.

And this whole "I am going to turn you in for child neglect, abuse, and endangerment" thing is absolutely INSANE! This is the kind of crap that someone does to get their way.

There's NOTHING wrong with allowing my kids to see their grandparents, and it is NOT my fault that the USAF forces me to go where they want me to go, which in turn makes it more and more difficult for my parents to come out and see them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you recording your conversations as was previously advised here? Your wife is horrible. I cannot believe you are still there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If your wife treats you well, treat her well.

You are way to engaged with her when she treats you badly. Do not have any engagement with her if she is not treating you well.. Tell her when she treats you well you will resume the conversation. Then act as if you don't care.

She sounds mentally off, but, you still need to stop engaging with a person who is calling you stuipd or a pig or any of this.

Also, stop hitting your kids... That can only cause you to lose them.


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## DooFster (Apr 12, 2013)

I've gotten extremely angry with her at times and have called her names, thrown things, and have even packed a suit case filled with her clothes. I've even taken that and thrown it in front of her and told her to just leave. I'm well aware that I am not perfect. She says she wants to get counseling with me but I am afraid that she's going to throw me under the bus and I lose my job and get kicked out of the AF.


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