# is that normal?



## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

hi there,

im new to this forum and thought maybe id find some help here..

ive been married for 3 years and have a one year old daughter.sex has always been an issue in our life.it is always the same.its either missionary or he wants me on top.i get five minutes of foreplay if im ever lucky.he never goes down on me ..and i mean "NEVER".i have a high sex drive and it seems like he couldnt care less.we ve had sex 4 times since giving birth!! it has gotten too much now that im upset all the time.the slightest problem turns into a full blown fight.i tried talking to him several times but he keeps turning the table and tells me that i dont love him and thats why he doesnt come to me for sex?? i told him id like more foreplay,dirty talk during sex.id like aggressive sex from time to time but he always ends the conversation quickly without even listening.i even reached the point were i told him to watch porn and tell me what he liked but he turned me down.i told him id like to have sex in the shower but he said he doesnt like that??i used to give him bjs all the time but i have stopped as it doesnt seem to make any difference.he keeps telling me id like to try new positions but then he rarely initiates sex.its come to the point that on the rare occasions when he does,i feel so resentful and i get so dry and he doesnt even try to get me in the mood.then he complains that im dry and that hes scared to hurt me and thats why he cant try new positions!he hates it if i talk about getting a toy to spice up our sex life!
he has no problem whatsoever that would stop him fom having normal sex.he is 27,well endowed and has no problem with premature ejaculation.
now the problem is whenever i talk to him about it he says its all my fault,that he feels i dont love him and thats why he doesnt come to me for sex.he says that he doesnt feel my desire for him.
my question is...is this normal for a guy not to desire sex just because he feels insecure of my love ?? how could he go on for so long without having sex ?? im absolutely sure he is not having an affair.and basicly i hate his way in sex.how can i change him and is there any hope??ive never heard of anyone with the same problem..:scratchhead:


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

"ive been married for 3 years and have a one year old daughter.sex has always been an issue in our life."

Hi. If its always been an issue, it could be he has very little interest, period. If there had been a dramatic change you could have a easier starting point.

You have not gotten though to him and he seems and probably is defensive. The more you push the more he could become angry and pull away.
Is he willing to talk to someone, see a dr. whatever?
If he outright refuses that, get ready for a long ride. OR decide something different.
If there is a problem (perceived OR real) on either part. If the other refuses to adress it, then its not really a marriage in my point of view. Communication (calm and open) is always key.


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

"Hi. If its always been an issue, it could be he has very little interest, period. If there had been a dramatic change you could have a easier starting point."

well it wasnt that bad when we first got together.though it was never great.he would NEVER talk to anyone about it,not even a dr. i made an appointmet and ill be going alone next week.

the thing is when we talk he gets really defensive and we go nowhere with our conversation.even if we have a calm one he just listens and then never puts anything into practice


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

It is possible that it has nothing to do with you and he is either a.) not a very sexual person or has low testosterone b.) is traumatized by something that happened to him in the past c.) attracted or turned on by something that isn't right (guys, kids, etc) and has totally turned himself off instead of acting upon it. You really do need to stop pushing him. You do need to get a toy (hide it) to get some sort of relief. And keep going to the counsellor. I would keep a journal with a written key only you understand so if someone finds it they dont know your business. Write when you do it, who initiated and what happened to make it occur and keep going to the counsellor with it. A professional will keep it clear to you that it is not your fault so you dont start feeling bad and depressed. This situation probably is not going to change...so you have to come to terms with how much you can deal with. Tell him you are unhappy and youre going to find things to do with the baby and family and friends in order to stay happy for yourself and your daughter. You can't go on like this forever....just think you havent reached your sexual peak yet...then what?


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Me'N'My'Girl said:


> hi.i tried talking to him several times but he keeps turning the table and tells me that i dont love him and thats why he doesnt come to me for sex??


That right there is the biggest clue in everything you've said. Lots of things change when we have kids. He may feel that now that the child gets so much attention (appropriately so), there's not as much room for him. He may feel that he has so much pressure to perform as a provider or a father or whatever that he doesn't know if he can measure up. He may feel that you look down on him, disapprove of him, or whatever.

The point is that we don't know how he feels, and I suspect that you don't either. I would STRONGLY recommend that you both seek counseling together with someone who can help you BOTH work on your communication skills.

The issue in your marriage really isn't sex. It's communicating in a way that has you both feel safe to say what's what. That's what will let you do what comes naturally, as it were.

Good luck


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

Mal i think you'e absolutely right.communication between us is just terrible.he doesnt make it easy to make my points clear.he feels that when i tell him that im not satisfied with our sex life that he feels less of a man and that i disapprove of him.this is partially true as this is driving me away from him and im really starting to look down to him 

id like to have a guy's point of view,is it normal to go this long without having sex or even masturbating??


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Woah, you are mixing things up here. He said he doesnt come to you for sex because he feels you dont love him. You are equating him not coming to you for sex as him having no interest in sex. Its ok, I did the same thing. From what you posted he has been clear about why he is not having sex with you:

1) he feels you dont love him
2) he feels less of a man with you
3) he feels you disapprove of him

AND, you agree that you do 2 of these. Thats why he wont have sex with you. Based on what you are sharing here, its not that he doesnt want to have sex with you, its he is not having sex with you because he feels emasculated by you and your statements.

You need to take responsibility for those statements and making him feel emasculated and tell him that you do feel he is a man and what you want. Only after he believes you love him and approve of him, will he actually have sex with you. 

Hope this helps.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Me'N'My'Girl said:


> Mal i think you'e absolutely right.communication between us is just terrible.he doesnt make it easy to make my points clear.he feels that when i tell him that im not satisfied with our sex life that he feels less of a man and that i disapprove of him.this is partially true as this is driving me away from him and im really starting to look down to him
> 
> id like to have a guy's point of view,is it normal to go this long without having sex or even masturbating??


I don't mean this to sound quite as harsh as it probably will, but it seems to me that you're not taking responsibility for any of the failed communication between the two of you. "He doesn't make it easy to make my points clear." Have you considered at all that his experience of you is authentic, real for him, and meaningful? Have you considered that you have some role in his experience of you?

So many people, in my opinion, live in this myth that marriage (or any relationship, really) is a "50/50 proposition." In other words, "he has to meet me half way," etc. This is total BS. Marriage is a 100% / 0% proposition - we are 100% responsible for our own experience of the marriage. Each partner is 100% responsible for the state of the union. 

I think it is really important for women to remember that men, generally speaking, got the short end of the stick in learning how to communicate authentically and intimately. It was so hard for me to understand why men were always so diffident, standoffish, and unwilling to share themselves with me. When I found one who wasn't, I was amazed, and I started understanding that from the time they are babies, boys are relentlessly taught and conditioned to fear and hate emotions and intimacy.

This makes it extremely hard for them to be in relationships. As women, our job is to make it safe for them to share their thoughts and emotions with us in an intimate way. What your husband is telling you, as directly as he can, is that he does not feel safe to express himself with you. If you think that's entirely his own fault, you're headed off the cliff.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Mal74 said:


> I think it is really important for women to remember that men, generally speaking, got the short end of the stick in learning how to communicate authentically and intimately. It was so hard for me to understand why men were always so diffident, standoffish, and unwilling to share themselves with me. When I found one who wasn't, I was amazed, and I started understanding that from the time they are babies, boys are relentlessly taught and conditioned to fear and hate emotions and intimacy.
> 
> This makes it extremely hard for them to be in relationships. As women, our job is to make it safe for them to share their thoughts and emotions with us in an intimate way. What your husband is telling you, as directly as he can, is that he does not feel safe to express himself with you. If you think that's entirely his own fault, you're headed off the cliff.


This couldn't be any larger of generalization... I can certainly tell you that I am a man, and am very open with my emotions and teach my son to be the same way. The generalization you explained above oddly enough would apply to my wife. It's not the gender that gives people a difficult time to me intimate, it's a number of other factors. Sorry but this generalization is one that I don't like.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

Dancing Nancie said:


> This couldn't be any larger of generalization... I can certainly tell you that I am a man, and am very open with my emotions and teach my son to be the same way. The generalization you explained above oddly enough would apply to my wife. It's not the gender that gives people a difficult time to me intimate, it's a number of other factors. Sorry but this generalization is one that I don't like.


It's not the gender, it's the conditioning. Of course it's a generalization. Generalizations are useful, particularly when it is understood that they are most useful for discussion and provocation of thought. To dismiss a generalization simply because it is a generalization is silly. 

If you read more carefully you will note that I have not said "all men are X" or "all women are Y." Nor have I said that men are hard-wired to be a particular way. Naturally there are many women who struggle with intimacy, just as there are many men who excel at building intimate relationships.

I'm sorry if I've offended you, but I am sharing from my experience, from my education, and the anecdotal evidence at hand.

Principally, I am hoping that the original poster will understand that there might be more to her husband's communication than meets the eye.


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

actually, i never said that it was entirely his fault that we are not communicating well.i know its a shared responsibility.but the point is my husband was never the type to hide his emotions and thoughts.actually he is better than me in expressing them in every aspect of our life-other than sex.

i think its not about him not being able to express them.i totally agree with 'choose2love' that this is the core of our problem.but as i said before i never used to look down to him or disapprove of him until i found him running away from every conversation that has the slightest hint of us talking about our sex issues.and its become more of a viscious circle,the more i talk to him, the more he runs away, the more i disapprove of him.my best guess is that maybe if he agreed to go for counselling,i could actually understand why he's running away from our sex issues.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Ok, I think you just hit the nail on the head here! The more you talk to him the more he runs away, especially about sex. Yes it is a cycle. You can affect change here! Stop talking to him about sex, period. You may have a wait on your hands as change wont happen right away, and it will be excrutiating for you, but it is the ONLY way to affect change in this situation. 

You have clearly laid out the cycle, you have the information and position to break it. 

You can do this if you want your husband back. If you stop talking, he wont run away, and you wont continue to disapprove of him. It works in reverse too... Because of stopping talking to him he will feel less disapproved of and stop running away.

Best of luck!


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Just to be clear, when I say stop talking to him, I mean about anything sex related or relationship oriented that is bothering you. He wants to talk about chit chat stuff, mindless stuff that he doesnt feel are a blow to his ego. Read the paper, watch the news. Is he into sports? FInd out what's going on on ESPN and bring it up. Talk about movies, cooking, farting anything but your relationship and sex.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

We can let each other know how its going, because Im in the exact same boat and am trying to do this with my own husband. It is very hard as things come up and to not talk about them is near impossible for me. But, I have taken it upon myself to keep trying.


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## Me'N'My'Girl (Jan 10, 2010)

"It is very hard as things come up and to not talk about them is near impossible for me. But, I have taken it upon myself to keep trying. "

i am with you on this.it really is difficult not to talk about it when its all you think of.but sometimes i wonder if not talking to him about it will change things as i have tried it before and things seemed to get worse.we actually went as far as not having sex for 4 months straight! it really is frustrating. i have an appointment with a counslor next week and i'll be going alone.so i will see how it goes and ill keep you updated.


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