# Having Problems coping with a husband with Anxiety, Depression and BPD



## lostandconfused1986 (Feb 28, 2013)

Hello all. I am new to this forum and am hoping I can get some advice on my issue that I am having. I have been married for less than a year and don't know what to do anymore. Let me start from the beginning:

I met my now husband back in 2009. Everything seemed great and things couldn't have been going better. The summer of 2010 I discovered that my husband had once taken anti depressants but was not doing so anymore. I didn't think much of it at that point. The only thing I knew my husband struggled with from the beginning was anxiety which he was taking a medicine for. Later on in the relationship I found out that his mom's side of the family had some more major mental health issues going on (ie BiPolar, Major depression, etc). My husband told me he never had the same feelings that they were experiencing and at that point I let it go because for one, it wasn't any of my business what types of issues his family was going through, and he seemed normal. Once we got married in 2012 things began to slowly change. He became more distant and snapped at me easier. He decided to go back to school and left a full time job for a part time job and always stated that he was "bored". I always showed concern asking if there was anything I could do to make it better or tired to get him to open up to why he felt the way he did with being bored and distant but I would always get shut out. He didn't care that it bothered me and he became very disrespectful to me with his language and telling me to "f off", etc. He also was drinking every night, sometimes almost a 12 pack a night which really upset me because i don't like to be around that. In October I basically told him that we needed to do something about how things were going and that we needed to go and talk to someone or he needed to as he was the one that was having the anger issues and not me. I even offered to go and talk to someone as well about how I should cope with this. He eventually told me he felt like he "had a problem" and needed to go back on anti depressants. I talked to him about it and suggested that he should have a doctor decide if he needed to go down that path. He then blamed his issues on his side of the family saying that he got his problems from there. I went to the doctors (psych) with him, where he basically just told the doctor that he needed to go back on anti depressants and told him how he was feeling. Doctor also told him maybe he needed to go on Abilify for light Bi-Polar but he had to promise he was going to stop the drinking. Well, that was almost 6 months ago and he still drinks and is now taking meds for anxiety, depression and bi-polar disorder and still acts the same as how he was before going in. I don't know what to do and I feel stuck. I don't want to give up on my marriage but I don't see how I am going to be happy with my life 5 years from now if nothing changes. How he acts and treats me makes him sexually unattractive which has now started arguments about not showing enough physical attention to one another. I am now questioning if I even want to have children anymore because I don't want my children to grow up around this and have some of the same mental issues as him (I have no mental history on my side of the family). I know this is bad to say because I don't know what goes through his head but I feel he uses some of the medicine as an excuse or an escape. For example, I had a low point last spring with a job and because I wasn't as happy as I usually was he told me I just needed to go on anti-depressants and that would make everything better.....which is not right. Everyone has not so great times in their lives but that doesn't automatically mean one has to go on drugs to supposedly make things better. I just need some advice. I don't know what to do anymore  I would go and talk to someone about this but my new insurance will not cover it and I can't afford it. I appreciate you taking the time to read this.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well you really need to push him to get regular appointments
with a Dr who deals with these issues.If he talks with a professional he can find out what triggers him and learn how to better cope.I have suffered from depression and anxiety and have learned to cope fairly good without medication.Support him,love him but, make sure he talks to someone qualified.Be strong, he's depressed in a sense he's trying to push everyone away to be all alone even though he dosen't really want to.Depression is like a self destructive disease to the person who suffers from it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So he went to a psychiatrist who put him on abilify and anti-depressant on the promise he would stop drinking? Excuse me but I must be missing something because this is essential mal-practice!

The psychiatrist should have done a complete psych eval, which include several medical tests, blood tests and depending on symptom even an MRI of the brain. Next, your husband is set up with weekly therapy sessions followed by MONTHLY med checks to ensure the meds are still indicated and ensure patient compliance with safety protocols, ie therapy.

But according to your post, none of this happened and he is not presently in therapy. No one should be refilling any of his scrips. He is not in compliance.

Now lets look at your initial reason for posting. You thought you were getting involved with a fairly well adjusted guy, but it turns out he was hiding his issues. Now you have a guy behaving irrationally, who is taking some serious meds, not under a doctors care, your relationship is suffering badly and you wonder, rightly so IMO, if you can deal with this on a continuing basis.

Although I do believe marriage is a life long commitment, there are some deal breakers and this is one of them. HOWEVER, your H is not having his condition appropriately managed. I suggest, before you throw in the towel, this be your first area of attention.

Call his psychiatrist and rat his arse out. Tell the doc exactly how much and how often your H drinks. The doc is bound by confidentiality NOT to discuss anything with you, but your information will help in treating your H.

When you talk to the doc, ask for referrals for therapists for your H. If this is a cost issue, there are FEW treatment options but they can be found with about a 1,000 phone calls.

Having accomplished the call to his psychiatrist, your next stop is the Internet to find your local Alanon support group. They usually have meetings daily throughout any serving area. They are free, but they do ask for a dollar to offset the cost of literature and coffee Begin making Alanon meeting at least 3 times per week. You will be amazed that after a few weeks you not only feel clearer about the issues troubling your marriage, but you feel empowered to cope with them and make a decision that is best for you.

Other than ratting out your H and finding therapists for him, you leave his issues alone. They are not yours to solve. Attending Alanon will help you cope on the daily behavior that affects you. It will teach you the difference between support and enable. It will give you the strength to stop enabling, though it really doesn't sound like you are doing a lot of that YET! Yet, because if you don't get yourself to Alanon, you will naturally become his enabler if you stay with him.

Also by attending Alanon, you will be more at peace with whatever decision you make regarding your marriage commitment. You have a right to have a healthy loving relationship that is safe to raise children.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Well you really need to push him to get regular appointments
> with a Dr who deals with these issues.If he talks with a professional he can find out what triggers him and learn how to better cope.I have suffered from depression and anxiety and have learned to cope fairly good without medication.Support him,love him but, make sure he talks to someone qualified.Be strong, he's depressed in a sense he's trying to push everyone away to be all alone even though he dosen't really want to.Depression is like a self destructive disease to the person who suffers from it.


I like the compassionate tone in your post. You are right on the money about how depression robs us of our ability to connect with other just when that is so desperately needed and wanted. I often think cancer is better than depression. With cancer you can be free to express your pain, you can be supported openly, you can tell people I feel rotten because of this damn cancer! But not so with depression. It totally cuts us off and what we need is loving support.

I think the OP's H has a lot more than depression going on. I think depression is the least of his worries. If he ever gets to straight depression it will be an improvement that can be dealt with.

take care of yourself NeverGiveUp! You compassion shines through your post!


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Lost and confused please take anon pinks advice,seriously.
I would bet your husband is also using alcohol to self medicate.
Now that I think back,I'm so lucky I can manage without meds or booze.

Try your hardest to get him help as I have lost one cousin to alcohol before 60yrs and a brother in law soon if he dosen't
stop drinking.My thoughts are with you as I know exactly what your dealing with.Depression and BPD are invisible diseases,you look great outside your body,but in your head your a total mess.


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## Happy Serendipity (Mar 22, 2013)

Sorry if I repeat myself - lost broadband connection. You have some sage wisdom preceding mine. Psychiatrist must live in a bubble not to emphasise that alcohol is a serious depressant. All psych unit run blood tests to check for medical causes for depression (except this doctor's by the sound of it). However the alcoholism is the elephant in the room here isn't it. Alanon a great suggestions  You will get compassion, support and strength from there.


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

LostandConfused,

After reading your post I would suggest that your spouse go see a different psychiatrist (someone he hasn't seen before) and have a full evaluation done. It sounds like he may be misdiagnosed and/or mismedicated. While it is true that for some people it may take a while to find a medication or combo of meds that works for them, you should never be able to just tell your doc what to put you on. 

I myself was misdiagnosed with severe depression and on anti-depressents for years (many different ones) with no signs of improvement. About a year ago I went to a completly new doc who did a complete evaluation and he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Now that I am on the meds for bipolar disorder I feel much better. Sorry to say I don't have any advice on how to get him to see a new doc., which can be a complicated process in itself. 

As for having children, WAIT, you still have time and adding a child to the picture at this point in time is not going to improve things at all. If you have that "mommy fever" feeling, consider doing some volunteer time at a day care or YMCA type of program. This way you'll get to nurture and be around babies and children without the added stress to your marriage. Also this is a good way to get in some practice with "raising" children so that when the time does come you'll know exactly what expectations you have of the father. 

The best advice I can give is educate yourself. Read up on the various disorders and read posts from people in similiar situations. You'll gain a better understanding of your situation and yourself, then you can go from there. Oh and if you need to see a therapist on your own, do it. Don't wait to get approval from your spouse, your entitled to your own mental sanity. Best of Luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Drinking heavily, going to the doc and specifically asking for medication, suggesting you get on medication? This guy may have headspace issues but this sounds an awful lot like drug-seeking behavior. He's self-medicating in ways the doc never intended and I'd be willing to almost bet my next paycheck that he had hoped you'd get on anti-depressants because he intended to take all or some of them. 
You need to tell his prescribing doctors that he's still drinking and if he's getting pills from more than one doc, they need to all know what he's being prescribed. If he's mixing this ****tail of prescription pills with alcohol, there's no way he'd be driving with me in the car.
You've invested three years of your life with this guy and you have no kids with him. He's verbally abusive even though he's only been married a year. In the kindest of possible lights, he's irresponsible and very likely a substance abuser. I might invest one good reasonable effort to be supportive and get him help just to ease my mind but I wouldn't invest much more into him.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...I'm not sure things are that bad. It could also be that...yes...he's clinically depressed and self-medicating with alcohol - but - on the bright side - he's actually willing to acknowledge that he has issues and is going to a psychiatrist and trying to deal with them. And asking for anti-depressants is perfectly reasonable for a depressed person. It isn't like the stuff he's on is some mix of meth and Ectasy. Drug-seeking behavior is a lot less problematic with anti-depressants than with, eg, sleeping pills.

...what I heard is that he's distant, depressed, and drinking too much. He was initially hostile when you reacted to the distance by pushing, but then acknowledged that he had a problem that he couldn't cope with and went to a psychiatrist. He then didn't follow up on stopping drinking and his behavior hasn't improved on medication.

...you seem distressed over his behavior and I'm guessing that you are suffering both from his behavior and from a perception that he isn't up to snuff because he's relying on pills instead of overcoming his issues through therapy and strength of will. You're also worried about whether or not this marriage is workable. Those are all perfectly valid concerns.

...you're finding him less attractive and distancing yourself which isn't helping. Um, dunno, I personally think that sex is more of a duty in a marriage than anything else. Spending an indifferent half an hour occasionally in exchange for making your partner really happy is a pretty good trade. Mind you, interacting with your partner occasionally is also a duty. 

Regarding his drinking...abusing substances creates a really nasty feedback loop - usually worse than the underlying crazy. So, if you're staying, it would be wise to talk about the drinking - and basically encourage him to stop...the long-term message being that being a drunk is a deal breaker for you. Besides, a 12-pack is a lot of calories. And alcohol is a depressant - and mixing alcohol and depression is a really, really big problem. The psychiatric medications, excepting sleeping pills, have mostly been less problematic than alcohol - they often do more good than harm.

Regarding his depression...clinical depression is enormously hard - both for the afflicted and his family. Given that clinical depression often results in suicide, drinking is understandable but foolish. Withdrawing and even becoming hostile to a prying wife is fairly normal. (Imagine a dog with a nail in its paw - hiding in a corner and growling is expected.) From what I hear, clinical depression is a lot worse. From what I hear, there are ways for spouses to deal better with depression, so, assuming that he stops the drinking, you should look for a support group. (NAMI is good) Being married to a depressed person is hard - and you should think seriously about whether or not you want to bother.

Regarding the psychiatrist...realistically, medications do sometimes help some people cope. I personally am not that impressed by the psychiatrists my wife has visited, YMMV. But, there's merit in him actually seeking help. The bright side is that he's acknowledging that there is a problem instead of, eg, blaming you for everything. It is frustrating though, as adjusting to new mental health medications can take months and things often get worse - particularly since doctors tend to change one pill at a time to avoid complicating life. As a reference, it took about a year to get to a stable set of pills that actually helped - and a lot of the intervening pillsets were much, much worse than nothing at all. It can help to track symptoms and progress.*

Regarding counseling, if he is actually depressed, therapy is known to be helpful, as is regular exercise. Diet can help a bit too. Marriage counseling might also be helpful - but it is important to try to empathize with your partner - and I suspect that both of you would have some trouble doing that at the moment. His mental state seems to be pretty far from anything you're comfortable with.

Regarding divorce, this doesn't seem like a one time problem. You should probably figure out whether or not you're willing to deal with this sort of thing long-term.

--Argyle
*That's how, eg, we figured out that my wife's new sleeping pills resulted in extreme dysphoria and continual rage. Nothing to do with her psychiatrist. And that her anti-anxiety medication actually helped.

**I myself prefer suffering to medication, unless I'm likely to end up dead or permanently injured. My wife pops everything in sight. It bugs me, but isn't entirely wrong. She did, eventually, learn which pills work and that none of them work that well. And, it seriously still bugs me. Particularly all the junk she takes when she gets the flu.


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