# Some positive input please



## Whatthe?? (Feb 7, 2014)

I have already posted a thread here but I am specifically asking now for positive input. My wife and I are in a reconciliation phase, it is genuine but tough, after years of her feeling unloved and no romance she has decided she is going to stay and see if we can get this back. Both of us are doing IC and start MC next week and are committed to renewing our marriage (me with a little more conviction than her, as expected). I am going into this with my eyes open and have a pretty good grasp of where she is at, I think I surprised her last night by describing her state of mind/emotion pretty accurately without being told by her and she opened up to me a little more than she has recently.

Anyway, please if you are the person who had a PA or EA and have reconciled please put in here how you started build your love for your spouse again. If you have been the one who's spouse said "I love you but..." and have reconciled or currently reconciling please I would love any accounts of how you got your spouse to believe in you again. Anything else, telling me to make her prove herself or whatever, I'm not interested. I am looking to the future and believing we can have one or I may as well not bother. Thanks.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Has your wife stopped the affair and moved back into the bedroom with you? 

Are you sure that she has gone NC and that the OM is not still a part of your marriage? If she is still in the EA, that is not helpful.

It takes two working together to make a marriage work. 

Try reading the R thread with B1 and E1.

They are a good example. That R thread is some positive input.

Hope you and your family make it.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

The one who had the affiar can't do anything to make you trust them. All they can do is stop doing things that make you lose trust in them. It's a subtle but important difference. 

Trust takes a long time to build, but is quckly destroyed. Once the wayward is doing everything they possibly can, it will take lots and lots of time for trust to come back. How long depends a lot on the betrayed. 

I'm almost 2 years past Dday. My wife has admitted what she did was wrong. She has been open with her phone and passwords. I know where she is, what she is doing and who she is with when she goes out. It's getting better, but I still have days where I don't trust her. Some days I'm fine, some days everything seems like a red flag. All you can do is check, satisfy yourself that you are seeing ghosts and not resurfacing of past behavior. Then hope the next day is a good one. Good days are more frequent than bad ones for me now. 

The biggest improvement for me came when I realized that I was giving her a second chance, and she would either stay loyal or not. I know exactly what I'm going to do if there is a Dday number 2. There is no uncertainty in my action plan. So the only thing I fear now is if she is good enough to evade detection. I was very viligent at first with my monitoring (both overt and covert). I tried to keeps eyes on all communication. That was driving me nuts!! But I guess it was part of my emotional processing. I started to back off on that little by little. Starting to check once per week instead of daily. Then once per month, now even less than that. 

By not checking daily, i'm not reminding myself daily of my own pain. It doesn't mean its not there, but it does allow room in my mind for other things and better emotions. When I do check I'm not finding anything. I'm sure if she did start something up I'd catch it eventually. I wish I could get to a point where I never worry about her cheating again, but as I was so blindsided the last time, I don't expect it will ever be like that again (nor should it).


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

Through the experience, once your spouse betrayed, either EA or PA, it seems always there, ... might happen again if not with the same person involved. 

It's because the spouse has that sort of charactor, he/she might be born that way or has dicipline problem on which he/she has no mind-capacity being able putting a good break once he/she would find that sort of opportunity. 

It's very uncomfortable to have married to that sort of person, however I think that there needs some understanding or strong mind to deal with it. Otherwise, sooner or later, the marriage would collapse or at least feeling miserable to live under the same roof. 

Trying to alleviate the pain, it's needed some form of hobby or good friend who is able to understand the pain. It's tough, .... but the one who has a good understanding is 'winner' in my view. Cheater is always 'loser,' because EA or PA is only transient happiness while the marriage is more constructive and productive one.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> If you have been the one who's spouse said "I love you but..." and have reconciled or currently reconciling please I would love any accounts of how you got your spouse to believe in you again



I am the BS. *My WS got me to believe in her again after many years of ACTIONS*. Words are helpful also but long term actions did it for me. I believe what people do a lot more than what they say.


I assume you want your spouse to believe in you again. In that case I would start with you improving yourself in all the ways you can so that you can be more of a giver than a taker. When you are stronger, have more self respect, self esteem, have proven that you are trustworthy and have integrity you can build your wife up more and that is one of the best ways to build your relationship.

*So what are you doing to improve yourself?*


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## Whatthe?? (Feb 7, 2014)

Thank you all. I guess after reading through here a lot of people have spouses who stopped loving them and so had an affair, the betrayer then stayed but had no feelings of "in love" toward their partner but stayed and worked through it. it was that I was looking for Mrs J. Adams. However I just wanted positive input and I have got it here, I am improving myself through IC learning to be more emotionally present for my wife and also learning to let go somewhat and be two individuals in partnership. It seems to be working as we are connecting nicely and some of the old chemistry is reappearing, I'm not counting my chickens yet but am feeling that we are going to be ok.


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