# bait and switch, why?



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

I read in the forums of people pulling bait and switch tactics in relationships, specifically marriages, with regards to financial arrangements, child rearing, porn usage and sex.

why is this such a common tactic, and why do people tolerate and hope and wait for things to change when they obviously (from an outside perspective) wont change? 

Have you ever been baited and switched, and what are you ding/going to do/done about it?

How do you recognize when this is being done to you?

Is there any real difference between bait and switch (further on referred to as BAS) and 'changing you mind?'


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonim said:


> I read in the forums of people pulling bait and switch tactics in relationships, specifically marriages, with regards to financial arrangements, child rearing, porn usage and sex.
> 
> why is this such a common tactic, and why do people tolerate and hope and wait for things to change when they obviously (from an outside perspective) wont change?
> 
> ...


Yes there is a difference between “bait and switch” and “changing your mind”. 

When a person does a “bait and switch” they are intentionally promising something they have no intention of living up to. They feel that the ends justify the means. Generally they think that either you will forget about the promise, or that they can just not do it later and you will have to accept the switch. IT’s a pretty nasty thing for a person to do.

If they have to promise something to get what they want it’s ok. When a person changes their mind, they original promise was sincere. It was the afterwards when the circumstances are not what they expected that they change their mind based on the new reality.

I feel that the guy I married in 2000 pulled bait and switch on me. He promised to love me and be faithful. Yet he was cheating the whole time we dated and the first 2 years of our marriage. He also promised that he would work full time at his very well paid job and pull his weight financially in the marriage. He lost his job in 2002 and never got another.. just sat home and let me support him and his two children.

What did I do? Well after I caught the infidelity, I stupidly agreed to reconcile. And when he did not find work I stupidly just kept supporting him and his children.

I was not very smart about all of this. Should have kicked him to the curb as soon as I found out about the lying and infidelity. The first bait/switch should have ended it all.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I was "baited and switched" as well. My STBXH acted very lovingly toward my not quite 2 year old son before we got married and then turned into a holy terror towards him afterwards. 

Although I don't suppose it was exactly a "bait and switch." But it certainly wasn't a "change his mind" situation either. I think it was the fact that he walks around with an undiagnosed mental (or at the very least, personality) disorder which causes him to lose his temper at the drop of a hat over nothing, and to make others suffer for his emotions. Or he's just an A-hole.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

And maybe "rose colored glasses" had a teeny bit to do with it. Although I swear to you I didn't see any red flags until the week before we got married, and I dismissed that as stress. Shame on me.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Labeling stuff makes it easier for people to justify their reactions. It allows them not look further into things, not to ask questions, and to just decide all about another person's motivations, emotions, and decisions. It creates a "one size fits all" answer to everything. 

Ultimately, no one else can truly know the reason why another person does something. Though you can guess you can't know whether someone is actually "baiting and switching" or - simply did indeed change their mind. All you can do is glean clues from their behavior. 

There's another thread going about how a wife stopped doing certain sex acts, and now the OP and others are clamoring she's a "bait and switcher" and how she should be kicked to the curb, she was "just trying to trap you" she "was setting up a lie."

Which is one interpretation.

But the other could be - when your relationship is less steady, you might feel less comfortable in refusing a SO's advances. Who knows, the OP's wife might even regret what she did, but - that doesn't matter. Apparently, if you do something once, or a few times you are setting up the expectation and promise it will happen all the time, you cannot decide otherwise later, or it's a "bait and switch." 

I think that sets up a really bad precedent.


----------



## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

You have a very good point.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

It isn't just sex that's used as a bait and switch. Affection is also used, I've known plenty of guys who were incredibly affectionate beforehand and as soon as the marriage/long term relationship is set, the affection dies.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> It isn't just sex that's used as a bait and switch. Affection is also used, I've known plenty of guys who were incredibly affectionate beforehand and as soon as the marriage/long term relationship is set, the affection dies.





Starstarfish said:


> Labeling stuff makes it easier for people to justify their reactions. It allows them not look further into things, not to ask questions, and to just decide all about another person's motivations, emotions, and decisions. It creates a "one size fits all" answer to everything.
> 
> Ultimately, no one else can truly know the reason why another person does something. Though you can guess you can't know whether someone is actually "baiting and switching" or - simply did indeed change their mind. Do you think a persons response to BAS or 'changed my mind' should be the same though?
> 
> ...


If the wife communicated her regret, it would demonstrate a mind change.

If she closed him down when he tried to communicate his unhappiness, didnt try to compromise and didnt care how it left him feeling and is happy to keep their partner in the dark about how they feel, it demonstrates a BaS.


----------



## Devin G. (Aug 17, 2012)

I wonder how long you were together before the "switch" of the BAS took place. It takes at least 3 to 6 months for people to feel comfortable enough with someone to be themselves. Sometimes a person wants to be with the other person so bad that they will tell them everything they want to hear just so that person will want to be with them. They just figure they will gradually turn things around once the deal is a solid. It's not necessarily done maliciously. 

Changing your thinking about certain things is a perfectly normal part of maturing and growing as an individual and it should also be that way as a couple. Sometimes people grow and mature in different ways and at different rates. No one thinks or believes the same way as they did say, 10 years ago. 

There are others, however that want it both ways. They want the comfort of a relationship with all the benefits of being single. this is selfish and unfair. The minute a spouse has sex with another person; it is an act of pure HATE it is only done when there is no longer any love left for the spouse. Why stay with someone who hates you? 

Good luck, and don't buy anything on sale! the really good deals come with time and patience---those deals are the real deals!!


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

My 1st H pulled a BAS on me...swore up and down he wanted more children. After we were married about 2.5 years he finally admitted he didn't really want more children, he just 'kept hoping (he'd) change (his) mind'!!!!

We divorced (I actually was trying to persuade myself that he had just 'changed his mind' not BAS'd me.)

The REAL kicker? After we'd been divorced about 1.5 years, he told me, 'you know, I've been thinking about it and I think I'd like to have another kid'. I was like WTF?!? I told him, "Don't you EVER say that to me again." I believe that was the LAST TIME we ever spoke.

Now there's an a-hole who couldn't make up his mind (and he was 40+ years old!)


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

anonim said:


> I read in the forums of people pulling bait and switch tactics in relationships, specifically marriages, with regards to financial arrangements, child rearing, porn usage and sex.
> 
> why is this such a common tactic, and why do people tolerate and hope and wait for things to change when they obviously (from an outside perspective) wont change?
> 
> ...


In retail, it is fraud & unlawful - used to complete a sale or seal the deal - false advertising.

A person who presents a persona (advertising) that is false (insert anything) in order to seal the deal (marriage).

Happens all of the time - very sad.

I guess here if I use the phrase, it


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The biggest BAS tactic I suffered through was relocating to a new state to be with a man who was in the same line of work and pledged that we would work together, but after I arrived, he refused to keep his word unless I assigned him 100% of my income.


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> The biggest BAS tactic I suffered through was relocating to a new state to be with a man who was in the same line of work and pledged that we would work together, but after I arrived, he refused to keep his word unless I assigned him 100% of my income.


wow.


----------



## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

TemperToo said:


> I was "baited and switched" as well. My STBXH acted very lovingly toward my not quite 2 year old son before we got married and then turned into a holy terror towards him afterwards.
> 
> Although I don't suppose it was exactly a "bait and switch." But it certainly wasn't a "change his mind" situation either. I think it was the fact that he walks around with an undiagnosed mental (or at the very least, personality) disorder which causes him to lose his temper at the drop of a hat over nothing, and to make others suffer for his emotions. Or he's just an A-hole.


That happened to me too. My stbxh was sweet, loving, and warm to both my 1 year old daughter and me prior to our marriage. He also cooked, cleaned and acted likean interested parent. Within a year and a half of marriage, he did a 180. Why?? I don't know except that it was easier than putting the effort into a healthy relationship with both my daughter and myself. If I could go back in time, I would have at least lived with him prior to marrying. Then maybe I would have gotten to know the real him.


----------



## AnnLindel (Aug 20, 2012)

I've known plenty of guys who were incredibly affectionate beforehand


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

in my tree said:


> That happened to me too. My stbxh was sweet, loving, and warm to both my 1 year old daughter and me prior to our marriage. He also cooked, cleaned and acted likean interested parent. Within a year and a half of marriage, he did a 180. Why?? I don't know except that it was easier than putting the effort into a healthy relationship with both my daughter and myself. If I could go back in time, I would have at least lived with him prior to marrying. Then maybe I would have gotten to know the real him.


Generally the switch does not happen while living with someone... they wait until marriage. Been there, found that out.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> It isn't just sex that's used as a bait and switch. Affection is also used, I've known plenty of guys who were incredibly affectionate beforehand and as soon as the marriage/long term relationship is set, the affection dies.


This is so true. As I posted in a thread in Sex In Marriage ( how I found TAM), my wife was extremely loving before the wedding. Hours after the ceremony she changed. Outside of the bedroom she was jst as caring as ever, This is what the rest of the world saw.

Inside the bedroom she was cold. Only I saw this. I never knew why, she refused to talk about it.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> Labeling stuff makes it easier for people to justify their reactions. It allows them not look further into things, not to ask questions, and to just decide all about another person's motivations, emotions, and decisions. It creates a "one size fits all" answer to everything.
> 
> Ultimately, no one else can truly know the reason why another person does something. Though you can guess you can't know whether someone is actually "baiting and switching" or - simply did indeed change their mind. All you can do is glean clues from their behavior.
> 
> ...


I see where you're going with this, but in terms of acts of intimacy I think you have to be open and honest about what you are and are not comfortable doing right at the outset. Being steamy in the bedroom before marriage than refusing to do the same things once the ceremony is over is by definition bait and switch. 

The misunderstanding can be eliminated early by both parties being upfront about what they can live with "performing".


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I see where you're going with this, but in terms of acts of intimacy I think you have to be open and honest about what you are and are not comfortable doing right at the outset. *Being steamy in the bedroom before marriage than refusing to do the same things once the ceremony is over is by definition bait and switch. *
> The misunderstanding can be eliminated early by both parties being upfront about what they can live with "performing".


:iagree:


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband experienced bait and switch with his first wife. Luckily for me their marriage ended and we now have each other. She promised him a family then changed her attitude about it. She had no intentions starting a family with him. My husband and I have 3 beautiful girls.


----------



## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

To answer your question from the OP, there are two reasons that people choose to stay with a Bait and Switcher:

Hope and fear.

The betrayed spouse will hope that the SO will change. They hope that even if not this time, next time will be different.

The betrayed spouse also faces fear. Fear at leaving the relationship, fear of hurting their SO (which may seem crazy objectively, but still happens), fear of change in general, and fear that they will miss their one shot at a happy marriage.

I would wager that any betrayed spouse would find it much easier to leave if they knew ahead of time that their BAS'ing Significant Other wouldn't change ever, or that three years down the road they would be in an even happier relationship.


----------

