# Wife admitted affair, I want to win her back! How?



## Wilson.Charles (Jun 24, 2013)

My wife of 18 years admitted to me she had an affair with a co-worker three months ago. At that time she said she needed space to figure out things because she wasn't "in love with me". So I gave her the space, she moved out and we did that for about a month. She also said he was going to tell his wife too. 

After she moves back in I find out he did not want his wife to know, but continued to see my wife in her hotel room. I confronted her about this and she admitted that it was the truth and his wife could never find out. I did not like this because I had a feeling he was telling her things she wanted to hear and in return he got what he wanted. Anyway I debated for a week off and on about contacting his wife. Eventually, not out malice, but of love and wanting my wife back I contacted her by dropping off a letter in the mailbox. The next morning my wife called me crying saying she found out about him. He called her and told her that nothing he said about them moving forward was true. She was just putty in her hands and he got what he desired. Basically she was a piece of ass. She was upset he didn't want anything of her and she wouldn't see him again. 

So now we are here three months since she told me and I'm not seeing any progress. What do I do next to move forward into her wanting to work on us?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

Why do you want to be plan B?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

It is unfortunate you were not here on TAM earlier. She gave you the ILUBIANILWU speech and needed time to think. Cheaters classic. By agreeing you gave her a pass to cheat. I am sorry you have learned this too late. 

You did the right thing exposing. Good for you. 

You should maintain contact with the OMW to see if they took the affair underground. 

Does your wife want to reconcile? If so what what actions is she performing showing you she wants this?


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Truly sorry you are here, but I have to ask you - 

Why in the world are you so eager to "win your wife back?". She has shown no remorse for her total betrayal. 

My friend, you need to evaluate your sense of self worth ASAP. Why would you want someone in your life that feels it is ok to treat you this way? She should be on her hands and knees begging for a second chance from you. Short of her doing that, you need to look at moving on. 

But if you want my advice, here it is. You need to start IC (individual counseling) immediately. You need to spend some time away from your wife. You need to start a hard 180. You need to gain the strength to walk away. That is the ONLY chance of saving your marriage and wife. 

Or you can rug sweep it, beg her to come back and then act surprised when it happens again. And again. And again.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

File for divorce
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't nice your wife back to being faithful. You've been doing the nice guy thing all along, you even were nice enough to give her a hall pass to separate so she could try him out as your replacement.

If you haven't figured it out, bring nice here only kills her respect more for you.

What woman is going to be attracted to a guy who doesn't go homicidal (metaphorically) when he finds her cheating?

Want to get her back, stop enabling her, and stop viewing it as you winning her. She's no prize, she's a confirmed remorseless cheater who got dumped by her bf, and who lied and turned her back on her husband.

She needs to be winning you back, you are the prize here not her.

I'd also suggest you report the affair to HR. mouse have ZERO chance when they see each other at work everyday.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will she agree to counselling?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> Truly sorry you are here, but I have to ask you -
> 
> Why in the world are you so eager to "win your wife back?". She has shown no remorse for her total betrayal.
> 
> ...


Yup!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

You know when this guy told her that his wife was standing next to him. 

You know that minutes later when he "went to the store" he called your wife back up and told her he had to say that because his wife was standing there. 

You also know that this affair is deep down undercover now.


Sept 25th I caught my wife.. Sept 28th she wanted to work it out. Dec 30th she was still seeing this other man and left me. All along I paid 3500 for marriage counseling for those 3 months..

Have you gone to counseling ? 
Do they still work together ?
If so how could you let them work together ?

Look its hard and your trying to be the guy and understanding husband. Sadly that DOES NOT WORK.. REPEAT THAT DOES NOT WORK..

One more time for clarity 

THAT DOES NOT WORK

You need to find out fast WTF is going on and let her know she is either in or out.. But don't let her keep fvcking this guy as you standby and do nothing..

She should be transparent as glass. You should know her passwords for EVERYTHING.. You should be looking at her cell phone records.. EVERYTHING.. The internet should be a treat for her right now not a privilege.


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## donkey_punch (Jan 15, 2013)

the only way I see you working things out is that you divorce, start a company, she applies to a job in your company, and after the evaluations she get the job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

I've been in that position where I tried to figure out how to win her back.

You know what we are? Enablers. We enable them back putting on the blinders. We enable them by quickly forgiving them.

Take the time apart and look deeply at yourself. Don't think about your relationship with her. Don't think about her. Think about you. YOU are the most important part of this relationship.

She knew you were the "fall back" and now that the other guy is out of the picture and she is belittled, she is looking to you for forgiveness.

Don't do it. Tell her you need time to yourself. She had her chances to be honest and she chose to lie. You are clearing your head and need her out of the picture while you think.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Nice going - always expose.

The result of this is what happens nearly all the time - your wife was told by other man how much he loved her, how he was going to run off with her, etc....and the minute he was exposed, went groveling back to his own wife.

Is she not out of the fog after three months? You see, he may have really told your wife also "I just need some time" to make my exit. So your wife is hanging on to this and still pining for him when it's not likely going to happen. Aren;t they still working otgether and see each other every day - not good for your chances of a reconciliation. Also, doesn't she realize she was used like a piece of yesterday's trash?

She needs to start begging and crying to you that she made the biggest mistake of her life. Then maybe there is a chance of a reconciliation.

I'm not sure you have the whole story hearing it from "your wife" as opposed to hearing the story from the OMW. You and the OMW may need to keep tabs on this to make sure this is permanenetly squashed.


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## Wilson.Charles (Jun 24, 2013)

I am in contact with the wife (phone/email). Her work also knows, because he wife called their boss to tell them he is quitting because of this. 

What is Plan B? 180?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

To put it as simply as possible ... Maintain your self respect and divorce her. I'm sorry but I have no further advice for you based on what you posted. If I were in your shoes, I couldn't stay married to her.


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## Wilson.Charles (Jun 24, 2013)

The only time we talk is about our children. She has expressed remorse and regret but I didn't find it sincere. I don't believe she understands how big of a fool she is. She is also very stubborn so her willing to admit "she was wrong" is like squeezing blood from a stone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Exposing kills affairs... It does not fix marriages.
It looks like you got the affair killed (hopefully).

Does your wife want to be married to you any more? Does she have remorse? Does she want to reconcile?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to file for D, and if you can in your state name the OM in the petition,

Your wife has right now, zero respect for you. None, all because of you being nice and not only letting her move out to conduct her affair while you awaited her descision but you also let her move back without her firmly deciding it was you and only you.

You need to show to her that you will not accept being put on hold and humiliated like she is.

- file for D, and full custody, and tell her she has until its signed to get you to change yor mind .

- verify the affair really has ended, and not just gone deeper underground

- verify the OM really is leaving the job. Do not believe anything from your wife.


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## Wilson.Charles (Jun 24, 2013)

I have spoke to one of her close friends about what is going on. A friend who knows everything and who was shocked to hear what she did. Anyway, she admitted to me that my wife doesn't know how or is afraid to move forward. Basically doesn't want me holding it over her head forever. She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Wilson.Charles said:


> I am in contact with the wife (phone/email). Her work also knows, because he wife called their boss to tell them he is quitting because of this.


This is good news because there's no chance that the affair would really end if they still worked together. It would only stop for now.


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## Wilson.Charles (Jun 24, 2013)

No OW made him quit. She called to tell me herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Start D proceedings on your wife. You need to demonstrate you are no longer fooling around. Her lack of remorse is a clear indication that the affair is ongoing and never stopped. 

If outing him to his wife has not stopped them, then you probably have a 10% chance at saving this marriage. It looks like she is up to her neck in this. 

Yeah....file for divorce and do the 180. Some one here give him the link please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Based on what you post, your best chance of success is to initiate a divorce and ask her to move out of the house.

The way to earn a wife's respect is to tolerate nothing but a wife who wants to be married to you.

Remember, divorce is a process, takes long.... 

Most men are more successful taking a hard line and only tolerating a wife with a desire to reconcile, then tyring to "win her back" so to speak... Read some posts on here.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

A marriage requires two people to get it back on track. But so far you seem to be the only one even remotely interested in it. It doesn't look good for you, as of now.

The only way your wife is going to be interested in working on your marriage is if she wants it and if she's remorseful. And even then the only way you can "get her back" is if you're attractive. You're not going to be attractive if you don't start respecting yourself and that means not tolerating her disrespectful behavior.

You need to gain a little emotional distance from your situation to get a little more clarity on your marriage and her infidelity. Use the 180 to achieve this.

Meanwhile monitor her online and offline activities. Call the other man's wife and verify that she's doing the same. More often than not, when things cool off a bit the affair starts right back up. Don't believe anything you can't confirm. Don't believe her words, her promises, nothing. Trust your gut and believe only half of what you see and by that I mean observe her actions.

You have to follow the advice that the guys give you. They're pros. And much of this may go against what you've been told but it works. Nothing gives a person a good wake up call than being served with divorce papers. if they don't know how serious you are about it, they will when they're staring at those nice papers from your lawyer. You can always stop the D later on or you might even desire to go full speed ahead with the divorce.

Meanwhile, read This book. Its might help you in this relationship or the next.

Since Machiavelli's been banned, I'll do the honors.....

Do other women hit on you?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Okay Wilson.Charles.

It's wake up time. You need to remove yourself from "the moment" and the "relationship". Stop thinking of yourself as a husband, and just start thinking of yourself as you the man. The person you started with before any marriage. The individual.

Step back now with that thought and I want to paint a picture for you.

Your son, your best friend, your brother.....is married and their wife BLAZENLY cheats on them. Doesn't hide it, doesn't fear consequences, just out in the open cheats on him. What would you tell THEM to do?

You've lost sight of your individuality, your value and your self respect and self esteem. This happened BEFORE the affair (and helped promote the affair actually). 

Before you do ANYTHING in regards to your marriage...you need to find yourself in all of this. Who is Wilson.Charles? What does he stand for? And frankly, is this woman who LOVES someone else, really worth Wilson.Charles' time, effort and energy?

You also need to not glorify your wife. Every BH has always looked at his WW on a pedestal, not in reality. You need to look at the BAD things she does and give them their proper weight.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Wilson.Charles said:


> I have spoke to one of her close friends about what is going on. A friend who knows everything and who was shocked to hear what she did. Anyway, she admitted to me that my wife doesn't know how or is afraid to move forward. Basically doesn't want me holding it over her head forever. *She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


No problem there. It will never be the same.

I know you think you need to win her back, but that is precisely the wrong thinking, it will get you right back here in a hurry. 

You need to file for D. Tell her you are not plan B. She had a choice of being faithful and staying married, or cheating and taking her chances on OM. She chose OM. If she wants you she has to convince you you are not her second choice. After that tell your family and hers why it's over. Start doing the 180 and go dark on her. Let her see her choices fd it all up and it's on her to fix things. If your M has a chance it will be on her to step up to the plate. If you don't do this you will be back down this road until she finds another, or you are so sick of this crap you hate her and can't take her back. It's time to play for keeps, or go home.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Wilson.Charles said:


> Anyway, she admitted to me that my wife doesn't know how or is afraid to move forward. Basically doesn't want me holding it over her head forever. She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.


 Wow, it just happened and she is already talking about you dropping it!! That right there shows no remorse at all. It is all about her and what she wants. She cheated, yet demands that you rug sweep and do more for her. Her sense of entitlement is ridiculous because you encourage it. Your title to this thread "Wife admitted affair, I want to win her back! How?" has it backwards. She should be trying to win you back not the other way around.

You need to get mad and file for divorce right now. You should only think about not divorcing her if she shows true remorse and does what it takes to earn you back.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Wilson.Charles said:


> I have spoke to one of her close friends about what is going on. A friend who knows everything and who was shocked to hear what she did. Anyway, she admitted to me that my wife doesn't know how or is afraid to move forward. Basically doesn't want me holding it over her head forever. She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is your wife basically saying that the M suc*ed?

Is your wife saying that she gets to dictate how you respond?

Is your wife saying it is your Fault?

Your wife seems like a controlling person. She could have an A, she could move out, she could continue the A. If she does not know how to move forward or is scared then tell her what you need to move forward and let her decide whether you are important enough for her to do the heavy lifting.

And yea she does not want the relationship to be the same. No freaking way will it ever be the same she changed it for good.

Don't let her dictate things to you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

For some reason I'm reminded of the Family Guy I saw last night where Loretta cheats on Cleveland and he tells her he's sorry for not being exciting. She says " I cheat on you and YOU'RE apologizing? I need a man with some passion!". OP, please show your wife you are willing to walk if she can't respect you and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@OP: If you take nothing else from what I have said, please understand that doing what she wants to keep her married to you until she finds someone else, is not the same thing as doing what you need to do to have a chance at having a marriage worth saving. Please factor your long term happiness into your future actions. I cannot be all about what she wants.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Wilson.Charles said:


> I have spoke to one of her close friends about what is going on. A friend who knows everything and who was shocked to hear what she did. Anyway, she admitted to me that my wife doesn't know how or is afraid to move forward. Basically doesn't want me holding it over her head forever. She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here is the problem with her being worried about you holding it over her head forever..

She is still trying to deflect.. She wants YOU to forget unconditionally.. 

Any reasonable person who had an affair and was really remorseful would not care about it being held over their heads.. They would just be happy to be back with the spouse.. 

I would call myself a piece of sh1t everyday if I had and affair and got caught and my wife took me back. 

But what your wife wants is by X day its over.. She doesn't understand this take YEARS to get over.. The psychological damage.

She just wants this to go away and wants you to forget which is very selfish of her..

If she is up against the ropes you need to push even more.. She needs to TAP OUT...

come on strong on like steamroller.. let her know your not messing around.. Get some divorce papers.. 

She needs to come back begging and crying.. You need to see snot coming out of her nose.. Otherwise this isn't gonna happen for you.

If you crumble now your done.. She needs to know that she IS GOING TO LOOSE YOU.. She needs to be OMG, WTF DID I DO... 

Yes there is something that needs to be fixed in your marriage beyond the affair. But she needs to see the Affair for how bad it is and understand that whatever she is complaining about you does NOT equal the Affair..

NOTHING EQUALS AN AFFAIR...


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Wilson.Charles,

Your description of your wife makes me wonder if you should read some resources about Borderline Personality Disorder. You or I can not diagnose her, but it might give you some clues in how she emotionally processes conflict. If it doesn't sound like her, at least you will know some traits you want to avoid in future relationships.

I agree with the posts you have been given today. Spot on. I also have lived what you are going through. It takes time to emotionally adjust and accept all of the things that you have experienced with this betrayal. You will be ok if you can make these steps toward the divorce. The divorce filing will be her wake-up call. It will also give you a process to end this craziness.

The talk you hear now from her is to keep you as her safety net. It hurts knowing that she didn't love you as deeply as you loved her. You can find better.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Wilson.Charles said:


> Basically doesn't want me holding it over her head forever. She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.


Well, she has her wish as she wrecked your marriage. Whatever it was, is now in the past permanently. She wrecked it by her choices. Therefore it's outrageous for her to expect you to give her the wheel now.

Your head must be spinning right now, Wilson.Charles and with every post that implores you to file for divorce it must be hard to realise that *this is a fiercely pro-marriage forum*.

The old marriage is dead. Let her know in no uncertain terms what she's about to lose. File for divorce (you don't have to go through with it) to give yourself the best chance to have a new one.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Wilson.Charles said:


> She also doesn't want our relationship to just be the same.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her, no worries, it'll NEVER be the same.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

As a newly BS, you made mistakes in handling your wife's A. That's not unusual because you're in the BS fog. It's hard to think straight because you are so desperately afraid of losing your wife. As we advise so often on TAM; you must be willing to lose your marriage to have a chance to save it.

Now, because of her lack of consequences, you have even more to overcome. Your wife has lost respect for you and you are that much less attractive to her because of it. You need to give her those consequences now. Better late than never.

She doesn't fear losing you. She must, if there is any chance for her to turn around. The only way to do that now, is to talk to a lawyer, start D proceedings, and do the 180 on her to help you detach (find the link on here). If she starts demonstrating remorse, then you can consider delaying the divorce decision. 

Part of that demonstration of remorse is accepting any reasonable condition that you request, if she wants you to consider R. Complete transparency, accountability for her time, no contact letter to the OM - that she writes and you mail, accepting exposure to her family and yours, complete willingness to come clean and to talk about the A anytime. All that has to be part of it. No exceptions to any of these. None. 

If she doesn't respond, carry on with the D unless or until she does. If she never does, then you'll have your D and be better off without her. R just doesn't work with a non-remorseful spouse who hasn't received and accepted consequences for their actions. It's really just as simple as that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing OP,

Being in the BS fog makes you prone to mistaking her words, instead of her actions, as remorse. You'll find a lot of assistance here in helping you judge that. Most of us know what a remorseful spouse looks like. So keep posting.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Assuming her affair is really over you need to read the books linked to below. BOTH OF THEM, I think MMSLP can be downloaded. When you read it you are going to do a lot of headslaps and wonder how you did not see this coming. The other book is the definitive book on affairs. If you go to counseling, make sure the counselor has read and agrees with this book. Warning, many counselors will blame you, if that happens walk out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a post that you can print off and go over with your wife, if she doesn't get it then you are in a real battle.

_Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly! _


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with DT 100%. Your relationship will never be the same.

You tried being nice on the front end and she left you to go have sex with another man. Being nice won't get it done.

You need a hard 180, for yourself. Let her see what she's messing up. Then maybe your marriage has an honest shot.

MC may be helpful, if she is truly wanting the marriage back. Do not pay a counselor who tries to blame her cheating on you. 

Good luck
WD


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Well, if she is very STUBBORN by all means try and keep her. Not many girls like that in the world!

OR

You could follow the advice given to you here for free and improve your future! A win win!


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

What are your ages? Any kids? 
Kick her out and don't talk to her for 2-3 months. Tell her have fun and go away. She will be back but the real question is why would you want her back. Treat this as a time for a do-over, a re-set button on your life. Do not rush her back in, especially with her making the terms. This is the biggest mistake BS make.You call ALL the shots from today forward. When you head clears ask yourself 'can't I do better that this cheat'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

Your thread's title is a conflict in itself. As soon as it went physical the line is crossed and there is no going back, at least for me.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry you find yourself in this horrible situation.

The sad truth is that the more you try to 'win over' your wife the more desperate and pathetic you will appear to her. 

It's often said here, and wisely so, that the person who is most desperate and needy in the marriage is the person with no power at all. Conversely, the person who is willing to walk away from the marriage holds all the cards. 

You have no cards at all. 

Of course, at the moment, you are desperate to hold on for the sake of your family. It's sad really, but you lack of confidence and neediness is showing. 

Be confident that you will survive this. Be bold with your life and your wife. Tell her you are ready to make your own way if she feels no love or commitment. 

And mean it. 

You have been given excellent advice thus far. Think it over carefully and re-strategize your marriage and your life. 

Take your time - it's your call.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady now makes it seem like its all about her, well brother she just changed the game and now you have to look out for your self cuz your chick no longer has your back!

Until you have the confidence to let her you...yes you will be the one who is trying to keep up. But once you settle with the fact that the only control you have is in what you tolorate...only then can you let her go and only then it will be up to her in keeping up with you as you move on.

At the end of the day she phucked you over so now its her turn to do the heavy lifting as you head for the sun set...it will now be up to her to keep up with you!

Any other mind set...nicing your way through this or sweeping it under the rug will only get you screwed...it the tough love and ego that will show her how confident you in no longer tolerating her crap.

Stop sharing your wife. Life is to short to submit to her bull crap, she phucked up big time and its time you show her through your action that she can either keep up with you and only you or she can move on and be on her own.

Make no mistake your old lady is just as scared as you are, whats jacked up is who will screw this up for good? Her, by continuing to be a deceitful lier, or you who will no longer share his chick?

In my case my old lady stopped screwing around knowing I was done. But that was over 3 years ago.....you have to get your old lady away from the OM 1st before you can even think about keeping her around...until then she is history....you just can't compete with the new guy.

Get it?

What have you done to make her second guess her choices? Dude she has your number and you must start making her think twice in what she is about to loss to gain any ground in this crap we call adulatory.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Wilson.Charles said:


> I am in contact with the wife (phone/email). Her work also knows, because he wife called their boss to tell them he is quitting because of this.
> 
> What is Plan B? 180?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been through what you have, except I don't have such firm conviction that an affair was happening, just suspicions. But what other posters here are telling you is absolutely right and you must listen to them if you want any chance of winning her love back. She has to have respect for you. The only way for a man to handle a situation like this in a strong, masculine way is to move on and make her chase you. Respond to her, don't be mean to her, communicate if SHE INITIATES. But don't be needy. There is no other way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

GetTough said:


> . She has to have respect for you.
> .


Damb straight!
To win her back she has to respect you. Respect is commanded not demanded. 
To win her back you have to let her go.
It sound messed up but if your her back up plan she will be banging some other POS in a matter of time.

Until your olod lady starts to fight for her marriage and works st saving it your screwed... See poeple don't give a crap about sh1t that comes easy, but when you have to work....realy work at saving something like a marriage after infidelity, well its no so easy to go back to bad habits whne it took so much work to get what you wanted.

No matter how scared you are after 18 years together your old lady has to see she did you a favor by phucking around and that you are confident enough to find someone else... this is your sexual rank and if your old lady think you don't have the sexual rank to replace her she will #1 lose respect and #2 think you ain't going anywere and do what ever the hell she wants.

Its time to be a confident bad @ss...not saying be disrespectful or angry....quit the oppisite.... be polite and respectful and wish her the best...she needs to see a new man that can and will find someone else if she doesn't do the heavy lifting to keep her around.

Dude if she really wants this marriage to work...it don't matter what you hold over her she will do the heavy lifting to keep her marriage. 

I think that "holding this over her head" is a lame @ss excuse to manipulate you into apoligizing for her screwing around on you.

Its been my experience that the 'ol " you will hang this over my head" crap goes away with forgiveness...so tell her fogiveness is earned not given!!!!!

So enless she keep up this crap and doesn't make the life style changes to meet your needs, then of cource you will continue to hang this over her head.....get it......its a set up.....she kniws she will continue and will blame this on *you* down the road when she does it again!!!!

Her stubborness is going to cost her her marriage sooner or later. Sorry bro, but it sound like you chick is sorry and remorseful for getting caught, but ain't going to do a damb thing to affair proof her marriage in the future.

maybe I'm wrong?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You allow your WW to legitimize her affair by letting her control all the outcomes. She gets to decide to leave the marriage, stay in the marriage, tolerate your behavior (whatever that might be), not tolerate your behavior, etc.

And you just sit and wait for whatever decision she makes on whatever issue.

You need to take control out of her hands. It's your marriage, too, after all, isn't it? Make a decision for your own good. Everyone here says to file for D. I completely agree that this would be a strong blow to strike for your own well-being.

Stop waiting for her to deign to choose you. She's already shown herself to be incapable of making good decisions. Why keep letting her do it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> She's already shown herself to be incapable of making good decisions. Why keep letting her do it?


:iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey CW---guess what this ain't about YOUR WIFE/HER LOVER/HER LOVER'S WIFE-----ITS ABOUT YOU

What do you want---do you wanna spend the rest of your life with this woman---then do so----BUT-----

No matter what she is and how she acts, and how she handles things----she must take a hard stringent lesson away from her A---and she needs to know she is getting the greatest gift she will ever receive----how you go about that--is up to you

But before any R can occur---your wife has to show accountability---she has to show she is contrite, remourseful, and she has to be willing to do ALL the HEAVY LIFTING---to make this mge. Resume

She does not get to go back to her comfy little pre-A lifestyle---she should be kicked out of the marital bedroom, there should be no mr nice-guy/lovey-dovey from you---she needs to know she is completely responsible for half of each and every marital bill, and debt

You MUST be hard on her---If you are not-----SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN---she will know that she cheated this time, and got away with it, with no major wounds so to speak---why shouldn't she have another A---you will just handle it the same way

But remember one thing---the future, is to be YOUR future---that is what drives this train


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Get angry, take charge!


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Trying to win back a cheater results in nothing more that winning a cheater and nothing more!! 

Separate the cheating and the previous marriage problems!!! Deal with the cheating first and unless the cheater is truly remorseful they will never truly be back. Don't reward her cheating by excepting any part of the blame for her stepping out!!!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How long was the affair?

What are the living and sleeping arrangements between you and your wife?

Does the other man still work with your wife?

Any kids?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

"I want to win her back" is exactly the right phrase, because you lost her long before the affair. She simply lost her romantic feelings for you and found them some place else. You didn't lose her because of this guy. She was looking for someone she was really interested in when she found him. You were already heading south on the totem pole and she'd written you off as a guy who she could just think about and cause her to wet her pants.
Can you win her back? She may continue to live with you at least for a while. But you have about as much chance of recovering what you thought you had as I do having two super models fighting over me. We both should buy lotto tickets. The odds are better.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

the thing is, your wife was ready to leave you for his man. the only reason she's coming back is because he dumped her. you are the consolation prize. if you can get past this fact, then have at it.

personally, i value myself a helluva lot more than being plan b.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Wilson Charles, how long do you think it will be before your cheater finds an other guy to take the OM's place?
She's using you like a piece of toilet paper.


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## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Wilson.Charles,
> 
> Your description of your wife makes me wonder if you should read some resources about *Borderline Personality Disorder.* You or I can not diagnose her, but it might give you some clues in how she emotionally processes conflict. If it doesn't sound like her, at least you will know some traits you want to avoid in future relationships.
> 
> ...


I respectfully disagree. Reading what OP has written so far...it is quite simple. She is in love (or think she is in love) with the OM, selfish enough to lie and cheat instead of leaving her H, thought she would ride off to sunset with OM, and then...she got dumped by OM and went back to her H. It's not like she continues to convince her H that she is committed while going through length and doing despicable things to continue her affair. She is quite blatant that she is in love with OM and would be gone if OM wanted to be with her too. 

It is quite obvious that she doesn't love her H anymore, and just stays with him because she has no other option (by the way, OP, this is what we meant by Plan B. She went back because she got dumped). 

I broke off my engagement one week before my wedding when I found out my fiance cheated. He begged, he swore he loved me, he dropped the OW the day I found out, he promised to do anything if I took him back. I hung up and never talk to him again. If my partner went back only because he got dumped by OW? Hah, forget it. Okay, not true...I would let him come back to pick up his stuff. I would help him pack to make him leave faster. 

To OP:
An understanding husband is a husband who understands if his wife snaps for no reason because she is PMSing. An understanding husband is a husband who tolerates annoying in-laws just because his wife loves them. An understanding husband does not mind to take a backseat for a while to support his wife's career. 

But you have EVERY RIGHT to be angry and refuse to put up with a cheating partner. Why aren't you angry? You seem to be so eager to comfort your heartbroken wife. I wonder whether you are just best friends who stays together for the kids or you actually still very much in love with her? If you are in love, you should be angry. Anger is a normal emotion in this situation. I am not talking about violence or abuse, but it is healthy to be angry when you are treated like crap. Anger tells you that it is not right and you will not tolerate it. Anger tells you to walk away and tell her to kiss your ass. Anger tells you to tell her tough that her plan didn't work out but it is really not your problem nor you feel sorry that she got dumped by her married boyfriend. I might rub the fact she got dumped in her face a little bit. Yes...I can be petty like that when someone I trust betrays me. I wouldn't manipulate her to stay, I wouldn't want her to stay.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Sorry for saying this, but I don't think you win leftovers. You either accept them, or refuse to accept.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

OP, I still haven't seen a reason why you want to win her back? Just to have your wife back and the mother of your kids? Listen to what EA2013 said.

To win them back, you have to risk losing them forever, if you can't do that then they might come back but it's only until the next white knight comes along to sweep her off her feet.


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## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Been there brother....best thing to do is to put your big boy pants on and move on and be happy. They hate that more than anything.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Everafter2013 said:


> I respectfully disagree. Reading what OP has written so far....


Good counter point. I appreciate the honest discussion for the benefit of the OP. When I was in his spot, I know that the dreaded BPD issue was often discussed here. Stuff I read really helped me get a handle on dealing with fragile people that act irrationally.

I do agree that BPD or narcissistic behavior is often an easy way to put the WS into a well defined box. We really don't know what is up with the Mrs. Reading and understanding personalities and behavior is just a suggestion to look into the deeper causes.

Wilson.Charles, any new developments or thoughts? Hope you are getting a broader perspective with your problems.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Wilson.Charles said:


> The only time we talk is about our children. She has expressed remorse and regret but I didn't find it sincere. I don't believe she understands how big of a fool she is. She is also very stubborn so her willing to admit "she was wrong" is like squeezing blood from a stone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wilson.Charles -
no disrespect intended; just being blunt to save time. I think it is YOU who is the fool. Your wife sounds horrible. Your accounts contain almost no anger or emotion.
Have you no self pride?? asking seriously......


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Where him go?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

lewmin said:


> Nice going - always expose.
> 
> The result of this is what happens nearly all the time - your wife was told by other man how much he loved her, how he was going to run off with her, etc....and the minute he was exposed, went groveling back to his own wife.
> 
> ...


Jiust to clarify - it wasn't a mistake. It never is a mistake, it was no accident. Premeditated it was, mongrels they are.


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