# How Big of a Factor is Sex in Marriage



## JBanks (Jan 28, 2013)

Hey everyone!

Short background: I'm 22, boyfriend is as well. We've been together since we were 18. When I was ~20 we broke up and I slept around a bit -- started dating someone for a few months who was VERY sexual and very sexually compatible with me (but not boyfriend material).

Then, current boyfriend and I got back together. In total we have 3 1/2 or so years of dating, sexually active since the start basically. We lived together in the summers between college but apart while attending college.

Basically, my sex drive is a LOT higher than my boyfriend's and always has been. We still have it a lot, though. We see each others on the weekends only and will do it frequently throughout the weekend but I'm usually the instigator and up for doing it in riskier places, lol. He will do it only where there is no risk of being caught -- unless he's drunk, haha.

I'm not sure if it's because I'm more experienced, (I'm the only person he's consistently been with -- he's had two one night stands during the time we were apart) or if his style is just different, but he's pretty OK with having vanilla style sex or sticking to the routine that we usually do without any complaints.

I've told him that I want to try more, do more for him, all of that. Occasionally we will break the routine a bit and he'll say he wants to try something (usually something like 69 aha). So it will be like 90% vanilla sex and if I tell him I want to try something to mix it up, he will do it or suggest something small to do. 

But we've had instances where I hint that I've bought lingerie (never have worn it for him) and want to surprise him for his birthday. But he was too tired the night of his birthday and asked if I could wear it the next night. Didn't exactly make me feel sexy, and then the next night he forgot about it and I felt awkward just putting it on and even started crying about how I don't feel attractive to him (he rubbed my back saying he was attracted to me and that he didn't know how to approach the lingerie situation???).

Lately he's been having a harder time staying hard once we start with foreplay. We'll begin and something will make him go soft (can be something really simple like his boxers being pulled down weird, or having to change positions to get more comfortable, etc -- he will go soft and it won't want to get back up and if it does it takes a while). This makes me feel unattractive :/ Because it's like my naked body can't keep him hard in the three seconds it takes to move a little? IDK. He says mentally he is still turned on but his penis isn't cooperating.

I don't mean to jump around but in our relationship, the only way I feel attractive to him is through sex. I know he loves me through a million ways -- always doing things for me, packs me lunches, will drop anything he's doing to come help with something, wants to spend all his free time with me, dates, know he's always there for me -- but he isn't a very verbal person. He won't say when something's wrong unless I pry, and almost never gives compliments. On the other hand, I'm a very verbal person and don't mind talking about problems. I've told him on multiple occasions that I NEED to hear compliments/verbal affection to feel attractive to him and he'll do it for a few weeks but then it defaults to normal. That's when I start asking for sex more and all of that.

So, back to the beginning -- when I dated the sexual guy. I feel like this gave me a taste of what I WISH our sex life would be like. Where I felt wanted 24/7, sexy when we have sex, everything like that. My current boyfriend like I said, likes sex, but we definitely have different preferences and styles. And this matches our personalities for sure -- I'm the more outgoing/adventurous one, he is the calmer, more dependable person who can be really shy.

This is all weighing on my mind because we've come to a fork in the road -- I'm moving overseas to Europe for 6 months and because I'll be traveling 24/7, I won't be able to talk to him much while I'm gone (we're used to talking all day every day). I have brought up the idea to see if we should be apart and not have the stress of a relationship while I'm gone, and if both are still single when I get back, resume the relationship. He prefers to stay together but will do whatever I feel is best.

I am just torn because on one hand, he's going to be a great husband/dad/everything one day but I could see us falling into a friendship-marriage where we work well as friend-partners and not sexually wild ones (which I'd prefer, lol). SOOOO I don't know if I should see what else is out there, and explore other people (as he's the only one I've seriously been with but I must say I'm extremely lucky ) OR just try to suppress the sex/compliments issue.

We frequently talk about kids and marriage (all ideals align, both want 3+ kids, both want to raise them similarly, both want to live in the same area once married, etc etc etc)

It's just hard because I'm an extremely sexual person (have been with 12 people!) and he has never been. We have sex probably more than the average couple time wise, but it's the style and my constant instigation that bugs me.

Other things: He doesn't really care if I send him a sexy text/picture, he'll play a long a little bit but one time he said I, "force him to send nudes and dirty texts." He never will tell me he's horny if we've gone weeks without seeing each other, stuff like that. 

Is there something wrong with meeee orrrr will I get over the need to have sex in crazier ways than him!? I don't know how I should feel and if this is a big enough issue to want to see other people!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Sex is almost no factor, until someone isn't happy. Then it's like 90% of the marriage.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

I read stories like yours and want to bang my head against the wall - most guys on here would die to have a wife with your attitude, including me.

You need to work this out, because if you don't, you're really going to be climbing the walls in frustration ten years from now (assuming you don't lose your sex drive after kids)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've been married 21 years and I'm just going to answer your question. It's a HUGE, gigantic, massive factor in marriage. 

And sadly sex DECREASES after marriage so what you have now is the best it's ever going to get.

Think about it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with Mavash.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i agree with KingsFan, it's only a problem if it's important to you, which it is.

Read the hundreds of posts here under 'sex in marriage' and you'll read hundreds of stories just like yours - unequal sex drives, and you'll see pretty quickly how incredibly important it is, if it's important to you, to have a sexually satisfying fulfilling marriage.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

sex is only a factor when you arent getting any.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you're happy in the bedroom, that is usually a pretty good indicator that your marriage is in good shape.

If you are unhappy in the bedroom, that's a pretty sure sign your marriage is not what it should be.

And it isn't going to get any better unless both parties address the problem. If one says they'll address it but their actions don't address it, then the problem will just keep getting bigger.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked?


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

JBanks said:


> Hey everyone!
> 
> Short background: I'm 22, boyfriend is as well. We've been together since we were 18. When I was ~20 we broke up and I slept around a bit -- started dating someone for a few months who was VERY sexual and very sexually compatible with me (but not boyfriend material).
> 
> ...


You are sexually out of sync and this may be a big problem in a long term relationship. Unless you can express to him what you would like sexual, and he can produce, your relationship with this man may eventually end due to these sexual issues. I would say sex is nearly number one most important element in a male-female relationship, for OBVIOUS REASONS, there is nothing wrong with either of you, you just may not be right for eachother.


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## JBanks (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks for your responses everyone!!!

Hope1964: No he hasn't, ever. Are there any other signs for low testosterone? I guess I'll have to do some research. He says his drive has always been the same since 17-18 and he's in great shape (works out for college sport daily). But was also a late bloomer (was 5'6 until the end of high school, now is about 5'11) don't know if that means anything? I think it's definitely more his personality?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

JBanks said:


> Thanks for your responses everyone!!!
> 
> Hope1964: No he hasn't, ever. Are there any other signs for low testosterone?


Having never dealt with it personally, I'm not the one to ask. I would suggest posing the question in The Mens Clubhouse forum here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

janesmith said:


> sex is only a factor when you arent getting any.


Or aren't getting enough. Or the "quality" is not good.

By "quality" I mean "wam bam thank you man", "duty sex", and your spouse is much less adventerous then you are, or your partner pushes you to do things that you absolutely will not do.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you should break it off and look for someone who is compatible sexually. You are so young and have a lot of time to find someone else wonderful who also has a high drive. Your bf obviously has a naturally lower drive. His desire for sex will only decrease after the wedding and through the years. He is making a best effort now, but it will be hard to maintain what he is doing now. If you are frustrated now, it will only get worse. I'm in a similar situation, but married to a man who is absolutely wonderful and amazing, but only wants vanilla sex once in a while, no flirting, no compliments or verbal affection, no interest in experimenting, isn't into lingerie, etc.. It has gotten to the point that he won't do date nights or anything romantic at all. I think an exciting sex life and romance keeps the bond strong between couples, and it is simply the best way to have fun and celebrate life. It is so nice to feel desired and have someone flirt and compliment you and be romantic, and be enthusiastic about it (not if he has to force himself). I'm in my 50's and still wish I had this in my life- I haven't outgrown it yet.

If you decide to stay with your bf, I really urge you to be 100% honest about your feelings with him. He deserves to know exactly how you feel, including everything you said in your post. It is likely he will decide he could never do that stuff. If he 'steps up' and changes to please you, I wouldn't have kids for a couple years after marriage to give it time to see if he backslides. I also think he should go to a doctor and have his testosterone levels checked. If he refuses to get checked, I think that should be the nail in the coffin for the relationship.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Also wanted to say: I think your 'little voice' inside is trying to be heard and to raise a red flag. 

I think you are wiser than I was at your age - I ignored my nagging worries and just hoped for the best. When my relationship with my H started, for a while, we had sex once a day, which was pretty good I thought. I wished he were more aggressive/experimental, but I thought it wasn't a big deal. But now I look back on it and ask myself, was it mostly me who was initiating most nights back then? Was it me doing most of the touching and was I doing more sexually for him? I should have stopped to think about this stuff back then. I remember being frustrated having to always wait until the end of the evening when I was tired or full, or having sex only when he woke up with an erection. I would have wanted to run to the bedroom right when I saw him, at the beginning of our date, not hours later.

So ask yourself: does your bf seem to easily wait for hours to have sex when you haven't been together for a couple days? Does he like to whisper hot things in your ear to initiate (not just during sex)? Does he ever initiate sexy texts? Does he try to seduce you and undress you when you aren't already in the bed? Does he plan romantic evenings for you? Does he initiate cuddling and like to cuddle? Would he enjoy spending a whole evening being romantic with you alone at home with TV off, or would he be impatient with the idea of that, preferring to watch TV? If I would have stopped to think about all this, I would have realized my H would prefer to watch TV.


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

JBanks said:


> Thanks for your responses everyone!!!
> 
> Hope1964: No he hasn't, ever. Are there any other signs for low testosterone? I guess I'll have to do some research. He says his drive has always been the same since 17-18 and he's in great shape (works out for college sport daily). But was also a late bloomer (was 5'6 until the end of high school, now is about 5'11) don't know if that means anything? I think it's definitely more his personality?


The late bloomer issue means a bit, you are both very young and maleable. Let him know directly what the issue is, and give him a chance to find his inner stud. At that point you will know for sure if it can work.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

its a pretty big thing in marriage and my hubby still was unfaithful even though we did it 2 to 3 times a week, did oral, had fun, i loved it...
... he still pleased himself and paid for someone else to do it to him also 

he was a selfish pig though

get the sex thing sorted now while it is easy to do


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JBanks said:


> Basically, my sex drive is a LOT higher than my boyfriend's and always has been. We still have it a lot, though. We see each others on the weekends only and will do it frequently throughout the weekend but I'm usually the instigator and up for doing it in riskier places, lol. He will do it only where there is no risk of being caught -- unless he's drunk, haha.
> 
> I'm not sure if it's because I'm more experienced, (I'm the only person he's consistently been with -- he's had two one night stands during the time we were apart) or if his style is just different, but he's pretty OK with having vanilla style sex or sticking to the routine that we usually do without any complaints.
> 
> ...


A couple of observations:

1) It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with the guy sexually. You say that you have sex frequently when you see each other ... perhaps more than a normal couple. He just seems a little more conservative in this area.

2) Sounds to me like you are the one who doesn't want to have the stress of a relationship and I don't think it is a stretch to think it is because you have already decided you want to have sex with other men while you are in Europe and not because you want to give him a guilt free pass to fool around or find somebody else while you're gone. I would also guess that you don't think he will. You gave him a chance to agree, probably so that you feel better about it, but you are going to do it anyway. I see nothing wrong with exploring sex in Europe ... at your age and with the opportunity, absolutely! However, I think you are being dishonest about it. 

I have a high sex drive but it took me awhile. I wasn't terribly sexually active at his age ... at 22 I had sex a few times but I was really just getting started. I was extremely naive in the area (sheltered childhood). I placed a lot of value on being respectful and chivalrous to women and was completely shy about expressing myself sexually. I rarely initiated anything more than kissing unless her intentions were clear. I would have felt uncomfortable talking about my desire or that "I was horny" because I was raised to believe it wasn't appropriate. I was unbelievably horny but it wasn't something you told a woman. I was raised with the romantic belief that sex was about love and not about desire. I got over it, lol. I'm athletic and reasonably attractive but I'm also the responsible, serious conservative type that was always looked to as "good boyfriend/husband/father" material but not the guy you would want to take home from a party for a night of wild sex. I was the guy the women sought for help with their homework before they left me alone to head out for that wild frat party, lol. I can relate to this guy a bit. 

Normally I would say yes, having compatible sex drives is critical ... but I think it is too early to know for sure what his sex drive is going to be like later in life. It doesn't sound like it is terribly abnormal but it doesn't match yours right now. Yours may fade and his interest and desire to experiment may increase as time goes on. That said, I don't think you are ready for that type of commitment. Nothing wrong with that. You are still figuring things out and don't seem to know exactly what you want. I can't count the number of people I know who married before they were ready and ended up in affairs and/or divorce because one or the other felt like they missed out on the part of their life that you are exploring right now. I married at 25 and looking back I think I was too young. Some people are ready, many are not ... and I think the age that people are ready for that is increasing. 

There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling or the questions you are asking. I do think you need to break things off completely before Europe without giving him a choice in the matter. Anything less would be unfair to him. He sounds like the kind of guy who if he thinks there is any sort of relationship, he will wait for you ... and it will kill him because he will know what is going on or he will figure it out fairly quickly. Give him the opportunity to move on with a clean break instead of some hope (no matter how faint it is) that you are still his and everything will be like it was when you come back. It's the old saying, you can't have your cake and eat it too.

Wish both of you the best of luck.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> If you're happy in the bedroom, that is usually a pretty good indicator that your marriage is in good shape.
> 
> If you are unhappy in the bedroom, that's a pretty sure sign your marriage is not what it should be.
> 
> ...



:iagree:


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ladybird said:


> :iagree:


True ... but they aren't married.


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## JBanks (Jan 28, 2013)

Not really sure how to quote, sorry ahead of time. 

Kari: Thank you for all of your input, I really appreciate it. I agree that it's important to figure out now, and we've talked about it so I feel at the end of my line! I know he loves me and can be romantic, it really is just the sex that is our issue. 

JustSomeGuyWho: I think you hit a lot of it right on the money, including the part where I've already mentally checked into being single in Europe. I guess another part of it is I lived in S. America for a while we were together and got really homesick for him -- it felt like it took away from my experience living there. I don't know if that would be also playing a part? Like, I selfishly want to have it all but have the option when I'm back. You're right -- I don't think he will date because he is super busy in general for a relationship, but maybe he'll experiment sexually. I'm not sure. I think you're right about being conservative-- for different reasons than you (has problems expressing himself and doesn't want anyone to think bad of him -- maybe is scared of me not liking what he suggests) but also tells me he thinks his sex drive is a lot lower than other guys his age.

Hard to figure out what to do. I'd rather not throw this away for sex but at the same time I haven't been in any other serious relationship :/ so I don't know what else to compare it to.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sex is a huge factor in our marriage. My wife is really a sport about trying to accommodate my level of drive. HOWEVER, that doesn't mean your boyfriend will be that way. Generally, a mans sex drive only declines over the years. When I was in my 20's, I was insatiable. He should be too. If he's not, then it's only going to decline from the level it's at now.

Don't set yourself up for heartache down the road. Sex will become a problem in your marriage. Let him find someone who's drive matches his own. And don't deprive yourself of a man who's drive and level of adventure matches your own. 

You sound like a real gem. Don't settle.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ladybird said:


> :iagree:





JBanks said:


> Not really sure how to quote, sorry ahead of time.
> 
> Kari: Thank you for all of your input, I really appreciate it. I agree that it's important to figure out now, and we've talked about it so I feel at the end of my line! I know he loves me and can be romantic, it really is just the sex that is our issue.
> 
> ...


It's always difficult to apply a logical/reasoned solution to "matters of the heart". There really isn't any good solution so I'm simply trying to put myself in both of your places. I think the fair thing to do is to break it off with him but I also know that is the hardest thing to do. You might be tempted to enjoy the single life in another country without resolving anything, with a reasonable expectation that he will be waiting for you when you come back ... but while that may be the easiest thing to do and what you want ... it isn't fair to him at all and it isn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do involves a hard decision. Chances are good that even if you aren't completely honest about your intentions, he will know something is up ... he will figure it out or have deep suspicions even if it doesn't come out in the open. That will destroy trust which is the basis of any sound relationship. The kind of guy you describe would not be ok with that and if he is ok with it then that it doesn't bode well for a marriage ... a doormat who will put up with any disrespectful behavior on your part. You want to be able to leave, have your fun, and then be able to come back to this relationship when you want because you really don't know what you want. Hope that doesn't come across as too harsh ... but doesn't that sound wrong? If this is a serious relationship, wouldn't he be extremely hurt by the thought of you enjoying great sex with other guys and that you wanted to be with those other guys instead of him? If this is a serious relationship then would you want to hurt him like that? Why is it ok for you to do it ... as long as he doesn't know? Try putting yourself in his shoes. This is why I think that although you may consider this relationship serious because you have real feelings for him, you are not ready for commitment and anything short of a clean break will not be fair to him. I'm not passing judgement ... I think if I was spending six months in Europe in my early twenties, I would be thinking what you're thinking. Heck, I would be thinking that now if I was single. I just want you to consider what the right choices are ... and my take on that is, 1) don't have sex while you are away ... let's be realistic though because that is something you are reasonably looking forward to, or 2) end the relationship cleanly so there is no illusion you are committed to him. Both choices are a challenge.

You brought this up as a question about the significance of sex in marriage but there is an underlying reason for this question.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

janesmith said:


> sex is only a factor when you arent getting any.





goodwife4 said:


> its a pretty big thing in marriage and my hubby still was unfaithful even though we did it 2 to 3 times a week, did oral, had fun, i loved it...
> ... he still pleased himself and paid for someone else to do it to him also
> 
> he was a selfish pig though
> ...


I just was wondering what the level of rejection (if any) was from you towards him.

I 100% agree that he was a pig. I've come to learn that no good man should ever cheat, no matter the situation, so what he did was 100% his fault and wrong. I'm just curios as to the level of rejection in the relationship as well. We often hear how frequent the sex was/is, but not how frequently the rejection rate was.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My opinion is at your age and with the questions you have in your mind about your relationship that you split up while you are travelling. If you're meant to be together you'll figure it out. If you're not you'll enjoy the trip a lot more if you're not hindered by worrying about someone back home.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

JBanks said:


> I don't mean to jump around but in our relationship, the only way I feel attractive to him is through sex. I know he loves me through a million ways -- always doing things for me, packs me lunches, will drop anything he's doing to come help with something, wants to spend all his free time with me, dates, know he's always there for me -- but he isn't a very verbal person. He won't say when something's wrong unless I pry, and almost never gives compliments. On the other hand, I'm a very verbal person and don't mind talking about problems. I've told him on multiple occasions that I NEED to hear compliments/verbal affection to feel attractive to him and he'll do it for a few weeks but then it defaults to normal. That's when I start asking for sex more and all of that.
> 
> So, back to the beginning -- when I dated the sexual guy. I feel like this gave me a taste of what I WISH our sex life would be like. Where I felt wanted 24/7, sexy when we have sex, everything like that. My current boyfriend like I said, likes sex, but we definitely have different preferences and styles. And this matches our personalities for sure -- I'm the more outgoing/adventurous one, he is the calmer, more dependable person who can be really shy.
> 
> ...


*I don't think you will get past this. It may take you many years to realize it. I married knowing all that you know now thinking that being friends was more important than sex. I was shy at the time and needed a friend, so it kind of worked.

Your not married and you are going to Europe. WOW.. I was in the Navy and went to Europe... I am glad I was single at the time. Being in the military helped me with the ladies. I wasn't really a hunk.
*

*It seems like it's more than just his sex drive. Has he tried Viagra? 

If his drive increased, Would he want to do something kinkier? *


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