# He didn't do anything physical, but I can't get over it.



## amiselfish (Mar 15, 2012)

Hello. I've been married since March, 2010. I've been with this man since December, 2006. We have never had a fight, up until very recently. We have always been together, we have always been close.

He is my everything, and I thought I was everything to him.

In July we became a little bit apart. My aunt had moved in with us. She was filthy: a hoarder. Her things took up most of our house and really put a strain on our relationship. We stopped going out, we stopped playing video games together. I kind of blocked Husband out because it seemed like any time I would spend with him, he would just complain to me about my aunt. She finally moved out in late September.

Our relationship started improving.

In late October he became extremely distant from me, and when I asked him what was going on, he wouldn't tell me a thing. After much prying I learned that he was having feelings for another girl at work.

He actually ended up telling me he didn't love me any more, and I couldn't handle it: I left him a couple of days later. I didn't stay away too well though. I found myself at the house nearly weekly. We didn't stop having a physical relationship, but he was not emotionally what I needed.

After some psychotic Facebook stalking I learned (through conversations he had with other friends via Facebook chat) that in the time from late October when I left the house to early January, he had pursued a relationship with this girl, but at the same time, he didn't like anything about her. He complained that she was not into the same things he was into, he was not interested in her hobbies, they had differing tastes in nearly everything. Finally, she told him she wasn't interested in him.

They never went on a date. It never went any farther than chatting on their lunch breaks. They didn't even hold hands. She doesn't even work with him any more. She left work.

Then, not long after that, in late January, I found my living situation (with a roommate) unbearable and I moved back into the house with him. The intention was to have separate rooms, and to hopefully hardly see my husband (we were still legally married).

Something sparked with us, and he told me he was realizing that the important things in a relationship are there. He says he felt like he didn't matter before. I was very controlling, it's true. I handled all the money, and I did all the household chores and shopping. I even made double what he made last year. However, my job was moved to another state in November, so I was laid off. So now he makes more money than me. We also separated our finances when I moved out and decided who would pay off what debts.

He told me that he loved me, for real. He said that he was done with this phase of his life. We are only 23 and 24, so being with the same person since you're 18 and 19 is rare. Nobody I know has been with the same person they were with in high school. I think it may have been strange to buy a house and get married so young. We do not have any children.

Since late January, our relationship has been absolutely amazing. I am happy with him. We do things together all the time. Every moment we spend together is positive. Now that I am staying home, and will be going to school in the fall, I take care of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He works full time, and he takes care of the bills, and most of the finances.

He has become even more passionate than he was when we were first dating as hormonal teenagers.

I feel like he doesn't realize how badly I was crushed by his actions. I feel like he barely recognizes the shock I went through, losing my husband and my job so close to each other. I also feel like he doesn't realize that even if I was controlling, I'm not the only one who has to change for this relationship to work.

I've asked him dozens of times to remove the girl he basically left me for from his Facebook. He says it's crazy of me to think that means anything. He says he feels like I just want to have some control over things I should have no control over. But to me, it seems like he is keeping her on his Facebook maybe because he still cares about what she's up to, because he wants her to see what he's up to.

We haven't exactly announced that we're back together. Our relationship status on Facebook is still set as separated. Many people know about it, but many do not. I feel like I will be looked at negatively for taking him back.

He calls me crazy for being so obsessed with Facebook. He says it's astounding that what's on Facebook means so much to me and our relationship. He says it shouldn't matter who he has in his friend list on the site.

But to me, it feels like he has other motives for keeping her in his friends.

I am somewhat of a crazy stalker wife, and I will say that he hasn't had any contact, whatsoever, with her. They don't comment on each other's things. They don't chat. The don't text. They don't call each other at all. Does he keep her on his Facebook because he's sad that it didn't work out with her? Or is he just trying to prove to me that I don't control his life?

Why is it that Facebook matters to me so much?

I'm very sorry about the length of this.

I want help. I want to get past this and move on with my marriage. I love how things are right now, and I feel like I'm pushing him away with my obsession over this other girl. I also feel like he's not acknowledging the serious harm he did to me. I was very depressed. I lost 40 pounds. For a whole month, I did nothing but sit on a couch and occasionally shower. I would come to the house weekly to spy on him, and to try to get him to realize how badly I was hurting. He won't acknowledge everything I went through. I think he's embarrassed by it.

I just want to get past it, and move on, and be happy with my husband again.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It was an EA and yes these things are very devastating. If he can't see what he has done to you there is little hope for your marriage.


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## WhoIsIt (Dec 28, 2010)

amiselfish said:


> He calls me crazy for being so obsessed with Facebook. He says it's astounding that what's on Facebook means so much to me and our relationship. He says it shouldn't matter who he has in his friend list on the site.
> 
> But to me, it feels like he has other motives for keeping her in his friends.


You're not crazy. You don't know what's in his head and, unless he tells you, you never truly will. I know what you're going through.



amiselfish said:


> I am somewhat of a crazy stalker wife, and I will say that he hasn't had any contact, whatsoever, with her. They don't comment on each other's things. They don't chat. The don't text. They don't call each other at all. Does he keep her on his Facebook because he's sad that it didn't work out with her? Or is he just trying to prove to me that I don't control his life?


My wife said she thought she and the OM could still be friends on Facebook (he moved far away), though they rarely had contact. Finally one day after seeing some posts of his and after a certain conversation (all of which she shared with me), she realized that the man was neither interesting nor particuarly likeable. They're still friends on FB, but she "unsubscribed" from his stuff. Why still be "friends?" I have no idea. I suppose it's a curiosity thing. I'm 99% sure there is no interest now on either of their parts, and that they haven't had much if any contact in months.



amiselfish said:


> Why is it that Facebook matters to me so much?


It's probably because it's the one remaining connection he has with the OW. Plus it's just so easy to maintain private relationships on FB--you don't have to get on the phone, you don't have to visit anyone. Everyone's on Facebook, right, so he never has to tell you exactly what he's doing on there. Even though you've been verifying everything, there's still an element of insecurity there.





amiselfish said:


> I want help. I want to get past this and move on with my marriage. I love how things are right now, and I feel like I'm pushing him away with my obsession over this other girl. I also feel like he's not acknowledging the serious harm he did to me. I was very depressed. I lost 40 pounds. For a whole month, I did nothing but sit on a couch and occasionally shower. I would come to the house weekly to spy on him, and to try to get him to realize how badly I was hurting. He won't acknowledge everything I went through. I think he's embarrassed by it.
> 
> I just want to get past it, and move on, and be happy with my husband again.


I know exactly what you mean. I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

The good thing is that you're making progress. I think your 'obsession' is directly related to his acknowledgement of the pain he caused you. Until you're satisfied that he is truly remorseful and a changed man, you will still wonder if he has feelings for someone else.

I strongly suggest marriage counseling. There are some issues in your marriage that you can both address and that may shed some light on why he did this in the first place. That will go along way toward helping you feel secure that you're doing everything YOU can to make the marriage work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is doing all the household chores and shopping being controlling? 
He is controlling you of being controlling when you are asking for things that you have the right to ask for. He should not have his EA partner as a friend on Facebook. You have every right to ask him to unfriend her. 

He is also wrong to not update his status on Facebook.

Your husband had an affair, he has no remorse, he’s pushing you around by having her as a friend and not showing that he is married. He asks why facebook is so important to you? You need to ask him why facebook is so important to him and why he continues to use it to show disrespect to yo.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

for starters please read the newbie link in my signature, you will learn a lot from that alone


your husband had an EA- emotional affair

they hurt just as much as a PA (physical affair) imo

and they need to be treated in the same manner

you did well in many aspects so far if you ask me- for starters you made it clear to him that you will not tolerate another person in your marriage and showed him the consequence of such an action (filing for D)

now that R (reconciliation) is occurring though you still need to have him demonstrate to you that he can earn your trust back by helping you heal. The big 3 that's needed


1) No contact with the OW whatsoever
zilch, nada, nothing
that means he deletes and blocks her on facebook
if she ever contacts him then he must ignore it and tell you of it right away

2) complete transparency- he must give up all passwords, allow you to look at his phone whenever you wish, inform you of his whereabouts and such etc. You should also snoop as much as you feel it necessary to verify that he is telling you the truth. This is NOT being controlling. This is vital to your healing.

3) He must demonstrate true remorse
That means he doesnt blame you for the affair- it is 100% his fault. Marital problems can be 50/50 the affair is NOT.
That means he doesn't trickle truth or omit details that you need to know about the affair.
That means he will do the heavy lifting of what needs to be done to help you heal.
He must demonstrate remorse in not only words BUT actions too.


It can take 2-5 years for you to heal

you both need to know this, you both must be willing to do this for the long haul.


I wish you the best in what you want


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## amiselfish (Mar 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How is doing all the household chores and shopping being controlling?


I want to address this. I know how crazy that sounds. It's not that my doing it was controlling, the fact that I wouldn't allow him to do any of it is what was controlling. I had a big complex over thinking something might not be done exactly the way I want it done. If he did cook, or clean, or shopped, you could bet your last dollar that I would be there right behind him checking everything. It was crazy. I stopped this behavior as soon as he mentioned it to me. I never realized I did it to that extent, I guess. Now if he wants to cook, shoot, I'll let the man cook for me!

Thorburn, thank you for understanding. I'm hoping to find out what I can do to make him realize my pain. Sometimes he seems to get it, he has apologized. He has been taking me out, he's gotten me little gifts that would be meaningless to anyone else, but mean a lot to me. He's been bringing up things we've done in the past. But somehow I still feel that he has no remorse. How can I tell if he's remorseful or not?

WhoIsIt, I love all the kind words, understanding and empathy you're giving me! The things you've said sound so much like what I'm going through, that it made me cry. I don't think counseling will be an option for him. He's one of those, "I don't need someone else to fix me," kind of people. I also feel that this is something we can work through together, if we have the right tools. I'm hoping I can get some support here.

Almostrecovered, I am reading that link right now.  So far, it is very helpful.

To the 3 things needed.

1.) No contact: That is the case, however he has not deleted, nor blocked her on Facebook. I feel that in a way, that is keeping an open line of contact. They still communicate. Things he does are sent to her, and things she does are sent to him.

2.) Complete transparency: That exists. I have all of his passwords, he is not stingy with his phone. I have read all conversations he's had with people lately. He calls it snooping. He says he doesn't blame me though, and that he understands why I don't trust him. He is very accepting of it, although I think he still is naturally annoyed at it.

3.) True remorse. I'm having a lot of trouble with this one I think. I don't know what true remorse looks like. Growing up, nobody ever apologized to me. I was always a people pleaser. I've never really been hurt before either.
My husband takes me out, he buys me sweet little things here and there, he holds me, he gives me back massages. He tells me how much he appreciates me all the time. If he finds an article online that I would like, he sends it to me. However, he has not sat me down, and given me a full apology. Honestly, I really don't think he's ready to deal with it. I'm thinking he's very embarrassed in himself. He has said to me that he feels like he's made nothing but stupid decisions lately, in our relationship, his carreer, and with his family. We've had a couple heart to hearts where he's told me how much I mean to him, and how glad he is to have me back. I still feel like he isn't acknowledging me and my pain. Maybe he is and I'm just not noticing it.

What does true remorse look like?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well the rug sweeping chart in the newbie link is a good start to answer that question

my best answer is that you know when you see it- he is doing what you need to heal from the betrayal and lies and not avoiding it from shame or guilt


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I think you are more possessive.

He has no contact with her.
You have separated finances.
You were happy that you were getting more money than him. But the situation now is reverse.

Did he stalk on you when you were away?

Wait, observe.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I recommend also that you have him do the NC letter/email to the OW, she probably won't give a crap about getting it but it is more for you than anyone else and also to demonstrate to your husband that she is not allowed back in his life in any fashion


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## amiselfish (Mar 15, 2012)

Amostrecovered, I will keep reading that thread. Thank you! 

AngryandUsed, your accusatory remark is ignorant. You have no insight to how I feel about money and congratulations, you've offended me. If I wanted to get another job and make more money than him again, I could go to work an entry level position from the company I left. The amount of money I made only ever mattered to him. He has said he felt intimidated by my success. I stumbled into a great job right out of high school. I left my company on very good terms, and they are still in town, just not my exact position. Instead of going back to work, I live on what I have, and I volunteer at an animal shelter because helping those who can't help themselves means more to me than money. I am looking forward to being a full time student and I will try to have a bachelor's degree in three years. Nice job trying to play Dr. Phil though. It was adorable of you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ha! Pwned!


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

An EA hurts like no other, for me that is. I am sorry you are going through this.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dear OP,
Your comments on your thread. 

AngryandUsed, your accusatory remark is ignorant. 

_
I will not react the way you did to me, an unknown forum member!. _

You have no insight to how I feel about money and congratulations, you've offended me.
_
My intention was not to hurt or offend you, dear OP, if you are willing to understand. Why should I hurt you?_

If I wanted to get another job and make more money than him again, I could go to work an entry level position from the company I left. The amount of money I made only ever mattered to him. He has said he felt intimidated by my success. I stumbled into a great job right out of high school. I left my company on very good terms, and they are still in town, just not my exact position. Instead of going back to work, I live on what I have, and I volunteer at an animal shelter because helping those who can't help themselves means more to me than money.
_
Your original post reads like this. 
Something sparked with us, and he told me he was realizing that the important things in a relationship are there. He says he felt like he didn't matter before. *I was very controlling, it's true.* I handled all the money, and I did all the household chores and shopping. *I even made double what he made last year.* However, my job was moved to another state in November, so I was laid off. So now he makes more money than me. We also separated our finances when I moved out and decided who would pay off what debts._

What you said in your original post did not contain the new statements you make about his jealousy. 

I am looking forward to being a full time student and I will try to have a bachelor's degree in three years. 

Nice job trying to play Dr. Phil though. It was adorable of you. 

_Again I will not react the way you did. Good lucks._


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*Thorburn, thank you for understanding. I'm hoping to find out what I can do to make him realize my pain. Sometimes he seems to get it, he has apologized. He has been taking me out, he's gotten me little gifts that would be meaningless to anyone else, but mean a lot to me. He's been bringing up things we've done in the past. But somehow I still feel that he has no remorse. How can I tell if he's remorseful or not?*

I think he has started by the actions you said he is doing.


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