# He doesn't love me anymore?



## Always&Forever (Apr 27, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. We have two children (10 & 14). Over the years we have been through our share of ups and downs, nearly separated several times, but never went through with it. Every time we have decided that we love each other too much to give up. A couple of years ago he started having some new health problems and started a new medication that resulted in our sex life quickly dwindling to nothing. At first I was sure it was something I had done wrong - he's my first husband, first lover, first everything. But, when he talked to me about his medication practically eliminating his desire, we dealt with it. Neither of us are super affectionate. We've both always been content with the little stolen kisses, hugs and occasional hand holding because we are able to connect on so many levels that sex was just an added benefit. Lately he had been making comments about how sexy other women are and how unattractive he is - I flat out told him that I love him regardless of whether we're having sex or not and that I'm 100% ready any time he wants to try to rekindle that side of our relationship, but I don't feel slighted as long as he's not cheating on me. Earlier this week we got in to a fight that started over our oldest son's education, but it quickly escalated in to a fight about everything - the house, the finances, the pets, the kids, etc. Most of these are things that we are not in the position to change right now and after we calmed down I went to him to talk about things. But his hostility was off the charts - he said that he loves me, but he's not "in love" with me any more. He said that at some point I went from being his lover and the mother of his children to being his best friend and now any intimacy with me feels "wrong" like kissing/making out with your friend. I asked if there was something that we could work on and he said that he didn't feel any romantic feelings towards me at all and he wasn't sure that anyone else could evoke those feelings either because he feels that part of him has "died". He feels that it's not fair to me for him to stay when he doesn't love me. I want him to stay because there are so many levels that we connect on outside the romance. Since our discussion he's been hostile at times and ignores me and talks to the kids instead. If I come in to a room where he is, he accuses me of trying to smother him or being paranoid and having to check on what he's doing. He hasn't left yet and I'm giving him as much space as I can in the small house that we live in, but I don't know what else to do. He's repeated his stance that he doesn't love me any more and keeps making allusions to leaving and finding his own place. I've been trying to act like normal as much as possible and conducting business as usual as far as the house and kids. But, I'm scared, heart broken and miserable. What should I do? We've talked about counseling and he agreed, but he's skeptical and has already told me that nothing is going to change...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this...

Your husband's recent actions are not good.. the "i love you but am not in love with you" speech, the accusing you are checking up on him, and other things you listed... sounds like he's having a affair.

Do you have access to his cell phone? Or is he over protective of it? 

There are things you can do to find out if he's cheating. Are you ready to do that?

There are some good books you can read...

I'd start out with "Divorce Busting". This book has good suggestions of things you can do that can rekindle the passion in your marriage.

Even if you think he is not in an affair, I suggest that you read the book "Surviving an Affair". It has a lot of info that can make you a lot wiser and help prevent an affair. And if he is having an affair you will have the knowledge of what to do and how to handle it in a way that could help you save your marriage.

Then read "His Needs, Her Needs". After you read this, you will have more skills for brining him into a solution that can fix your marriage.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

It sounds to me like your husband married a very good and understanding woman. From my totally novice perspective it seems as if your husband is suffering from some type of psychologcal disorder; or he may just be a jerk.........


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## Always&Forever (Apr 27, 2014)

Thank you for the response. 

I really don't think he is having an affair, at least not physically. He doesn't leave home enough to be doing something like that. He may be emotionally involved with someone else, but it would have to be online... maybe over the phone, but we can't afford cell phones so we have a "pay as you go" plan that we only activate occasionally.

But the thing is, I feel dread that he may get involved with someone else. But I trust my husband. I honestly feel that if he wanted to be with someone else and had found her, he would already be gone. I don't stalk him on the social media - I even cancelled my facebook a year ago when he thought I was spending too much time on it and it was starting cause rifts in our relationship. I don't go through his phone even when it's activated because he's an individual that still has needs. He has friends and family that he enjoys keeping in touch with and not all of that is my business or something I need to intrude on. I just can't violate his privacy regardless of how insecure I'm feeling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Always&Forever said:


> I really don't think he is having an affair, at least not physically. He doesn't leave home enough to be doing something like that. He may be emotionally involved with someone else, but it would have to be online... maybe over the phone, but we can't afford cell phones so we have a "pay as you go" plan that we only activate occasionally. .


Does your husband have a job?

You don’t have cell phone but apparently you do have a computer and the internet. Does he spend much time on the computer? 

He very well might not be cheating. But he’s showing all the signs that are usually pre-cursors to cheating or are signs of cheating. Hopefully you can turn it around before he leaves and/or cheats.




Always&Forever said:


> But the thing is, I feel dread that he may get involved with someone else. But I trust my husband. I honestly feel that if he wanted to be with someone else and had found her, he would already be gone. I don't stalk him on the social media - I even cancelled my facebook a year ago when he thought I was spending too much time on it and it was starting cause rifts in our relationship. I don't go through his phone even when it's activated because he's an individual that still has needs. He has friends and family that he enjoys keeping in touch with and not all of that is my business or something I need to intrude on. I just can't violate his privacy regardless of how insecure I'm feeling.


Your nice’ing your way right out of this marriage. 

That book list I posted above… change the order of reading them. Read “Surviving an Affair” first. It will explain why you need to make some changes in the way you interact with him and why you need to do more to protect your marriage.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Wow.....you really are a good woman and I hope for his sake he gets his head out of his ass because he is very close to losing you. If you do end up leaving this guy just remember that you are not leaving the good guy that you married, you are leaving a hurtful stranger. Hang in there......what will be will be.


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## Willowlake (Mar 18, 2014)

> He said that at some point I went from being his lover and the mother of his children to being his best friend and now any intimacy with me feels "wrong" like kissing/making out with your friend.


Huge red flag. I know because that's how I feel about my husband. I don't know how I could possibly change how I feel either. I don't know that there's really anything he can do to change the way I see him....I know him...his basic nature...and his basic nature is not something he can change. He can adopt new ideas and beliefs (or change the way he acts) but deep down he's still himself. I'm the type that believes that people are who they are and can change what they do and say but not what they are. There is a difference between what you are and how you present yourself to others. Maybe I have trust issues. I'm all for giving him a chance though, I want to be wrong about what I think of him, so we're starting marriage counseling.

If I were you I'd try to get H into marriage counseling asap.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I bet friend zoning you happened at about the time he became infatuated with whomever he is now infatuated.

Investigate.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to open up and share so openly about your situation, and I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances surrounding your marriage. I was encouraged to hear that your husband agreed to go to counseling, and I'll certainly pray that you make progress in your counseling sessions. If you find a counselor that you both can trust and open up to, you might make some huge headway in your relationship. Hang in there, friend. I'd encourage you not to give up hope.

Blessings to you!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Any news A&E?


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## Always&Forever (Apr 27, 2014)

*Re: He doesn't love me anymore? - UPDATE*

I appreciate the input you all gave so much... 

I was standing by my decision to respect his privacy until I found "our" cell phone buried in the laundry basket - it was activated and I had no clue. That was the point when I decided to invade his privacy and look at the phone. In any other circumstance I would have steadfastly refused to do this, but I'm glad that I did...

He had a text message and several border-line obscene pictures from another woman. I confronted him about her and he went ballistic screaming and yelling about how I better not have messed this thing up for him. I was completely floored. He told me that he had fallen in love with this woman and that she was everything for him that I was not. He said that I could file for a divorce, but the "adultery" would be his word against mine because I had no proof since he had his phone. So... I "hacked" his facebook... and found the mother load. He had been talking to her for less than a month, but their talks had quickly escalated from friends getting reacquainted to all sex and "i love you more than life" talk. I took screen shots, took my kids to school and moved my stuff in to my dad's house. 

For two days I didn't talk to him at all other than when I dropped off/picked up the kids. I was too disgusted to even talk to him, but after a few days we met at the bank to switch our assets and he asked me then if counseling was still an option. 

Annnd, that brings us to now... we're currently in counseling and to the best of my knowledge he has broken off all communication with the other woman. I'm still heart broken and betrayed, so I'm not sure how the future is going to go. But, I love my husband and I won't let my marriage die with out at least fighting for it...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The usual progression is for the affair to go underground.

You must insist on 100% transparency. All personal accounts are closed. All online accounts are shared. Phones are shared. All bills are available for review online by both parties.

Credit cards. Phones. He tells you where he is at all times. If plans change he must inform you immediately. 

He cannot be trusted. 

I am really sorry about this. I wish it were not so damned predictable. But because it is, please trust the wisdom here. It will not be easy. If there is any chance of saving your marriage you must be willing to lose it. You must also be willing to accept that you cannot save it. If he isn't willing to be a married man you cannot force him. Your personal integrity is number one.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> The usual progression is for the affair to go underground.
> 
> You must insist on 100% transparency. All personal accounts are closed. All online accounts are shared. Phones are shared. All bills are available for review online by both parties.
> 
> ...


 I'm so sorry you are going through this! The pain of betrayal at this level is incredible, but through the pain you must try to think clearly. He most likely has not really broken things off with his affair partner, just taken it underground. He is probably more worried about his money and his future. He is in the fog and rewriting history to blame you for what he is doing. Keep your eyes and ears opened. Check his phone, his computer and his Facebook. Put a VAR in his car, they are very useful because wayward spouses often talk in their cars. Protect yourself. Do you have friends or family you can confide in and go to for support?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How is it going A&F?


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