# Looking for help! I'm so scared!



## setadrift (Jul 27, 2011)

Hi everyone,

I'm very new to this, but I really need some third party advice and I thought perhaps someone here might be able to help.

My husband and I dated and lived together for 3 years before getting married and have since been married for 14 years. We have one child - 14 years old (timing is everything ).

We have had a somewhat rocky, but happy marriage, albeit not a very affectionate one. We have always loved each other deeply, but were not as attentive as we should have been as far as displaying physical affection. 

This lack of affection never really bothered either of us until about 8 years ago when I began to feel very... unloved, undesired, almost abandoned. Enter, the other man... I met someone that showed more affection and openness than I could ever have dreamed. It was an emotional affair, but I felt very guilty and confused, left my husband, and began seeing this new man.

We were apart for almost a year and a half, during which he also began seeing someone. We remained friends and were always there for each other. In fact, outsiders always seemed surprised that we were seperated.

During that time, I came to realize that I'd made a terrible mistake. Somewhere along the line, I got caught up in the whole "love you but not IN love with you" bologna and became confused. I was young and I suppose I thought marriages should always be passionate. I was so confused and made a terrible mistake! 

We both decided after that long year and a half to drop the outside influences and bring our family back together. We worked hard to bring some attention to each other back into the marriage and I thought we were very happy.

Then 2 years ago, I borrowed his truck to pick up his birthday present and found printouts of womens profiles from various "dating" sites. I'd never felt the need to look at his email before, but then I did.

Upon logging in I found that he'd been quite active persuing past love interests as well as new ones during his lunch hour and while he was supposedly "out with friends".

I confronted him, and he confessed to sleeping with many women during a 6 month period of time. Some that he knew locally and others that we just met online for a "one-time" whatever you want to call it. He said this was because I did not appear to desire sex anymore. We had sex on a daily basis, but he did not feel as though I desired it as much as I used to and it hurt his ego.

I explained to him that that might actually be true, but all that I was missing was a little forplay and perhaps a little "nice sex" instead of "lazy sex". I do hope I'm not going into too great of detail. I apologize if so.

Within a few hours, I agreed to forgive and forget and he agreed to work on being a little more forthcoming in the other department. I never brough it up again, never through it in his face, and worked through the pain internally. I made myself trust him when I felt betrayed and over time it began to feel more like an old nightmare than reality. Again we seemed to be happy and our sex life revived.

Then about a year ago he started spending more time "out with friends" again. I set my fears aside and assumed I was being paranoid. I did my best to support him, but he stayed out later and later and more and more often, until finally he was coming home at 6 in the morning, drunk, and claiming to have fallen asleep in the truck before leaving the bar. I brow beat him until he filing confessed that while he still loved me, he was not IN love with me anymore and felt it was too late to fix the marriage. He wanted out, but "no there is no other woman". He is just not happy and doesn't know what he wants.

I tried to offer a time apart where he could stay with a friend or something. He said that was fine but that he wanted to see other people because he "could not go withough sex that long. I had a real problem with that, but tried to embrace this and suggested that we could just date and have sex with each other from time to time. Solves the sex issue, gives us a chance to date and see each other in the way we used to, but not too damaging, or so I though.

Two days later, after more brow beating because things still didn't seem right, he announced that he was dating and old friend of mine and that there were having sex, but (as if this makes it any better) he is having a hard time "completing the transaction". I will not pretend here that I feel bad for him or her for that little tid bit.

Anyhow, for the last two months he has been pretty much coming and going as he pleases. He spends the night with her 3 or 4 nights a week. He says he is looking for another house, but he's not really making much of an effort. He spends ever last cent of his paycheck on his truck payment, gas, ciggarettes, and going out with her, while I pay the bills and he's still here. And to top it all off, he still wants to have sex with me. I am ashamed to say that I have given in to this several time, as disgusting as it makes me feel afterward, because I miss being close to him and he says this is the best sex he's ever had, but that it still won't work if he stays with me, he still wants to leave, and he's still spending half the week with her. When he's here, we get along just fine and I am doing my best to be there for him in the only way he'll let me - as best friends with some occassional sex.

Well, that's the dirty truth. I guess I'm just looking for some general advice about what I'm doing right or wrong. I am also confused about having sex with him. I don't feel like this is over, despite his statements, and without her influence I think he'd have made the decision to stay already. Should I stop having sex with him, despite my own desires? Should I force him to leave the house? If I do that before he's ready, he'll just move all the way in with her... And then what about my poor 14 year old baby. We are all so close! This will tear him apart and he has no idea any of this is going on. He just thinks dad is staying out very late for his pool league!

Thank you to all who have borne through this very long post. I'm so sorry to have gone on for so long!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I could not handle that.

I would be done.

 I am going through some crap, but no other people are involved.

Your husband is a cheater. You are being a doormat. Kick his behind out and work on your self-esteem and self worth. You deserve better.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. I am sorry. Your story broke my heart...you don't deserve this bullcrap.

Also, DO NOT have sex with him. You don't know where he's been and your health is important.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Where is your self-esteem? This situation is doing a lot of damage to you. Please consider seeing an individual therapist and working on yourself. You've got to find the strength to stop your husband's bad (& cruel) behavior.

Your husband is doing nothing more than "cake eating". In other words, he has the best of both worlds. He needs to make a decision now--i.e. either he chooses to work on the marriage and have NO further contact with the OW or he moves out. It's got to be one or the other, but not both!

You should not be having sex with him under the current circumstances. Also, you should get tested for STDs. In addition, you probably need to look into doing the 180 Program for your own well-being at this point. The 180 Program can be found over on the MarriageBuilders.com website.

Good luck!


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## setadrift (Jul 27, 2011)

I want to thank you all for your posts and apologize for not responding sooner. I'm afraid things have been quite chaotic these last couple of days, but as hard as it is to hear some of these things, it really does help!

I've been trying to look at myself objectively and decide if I don't want him to leave because I just love him that much, its for my son, or if I just can't handle the rejection and losing to the OW. I think if I'm completely honest its more for my son and the rejection than for me! I love him, yes, we've had some great times too, but he's hurt me so deeply so many times!

Anyway, I guess that's where I'm at. There's so much pain on this site! I just wish I could wave a magic want and make it go away for everybody!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I fully understand your pain. My STBXW's PA was not ongoing (only because of the distance), but her EA was/is very similar to what you describe. Throwing it in your face makes it even more painful. Divorce him and move on. Your 14 year old will see what's up. There is a good book I am reading that helps with telling the children. I have already used several of the suggestions. "Helping Children Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" - I believe that is the title. I don't have it right in front of me. Read that and it will help with your worries about your child. A divorce sounds bad and I put up with a lot of **** for a long time "for the sake of the kids." Divorce, however, is better than a toxic marriage, which is what you have. Just my 2 cents worth.


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## setadrift (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you TN. I was actually online just now looking for a good book to that effect! I'll certainly give it a try. 

I'm so sorry about your STBXW. You strike me a really good man, and you deserve so much more! Please know that there ARE good and faithful women out there too!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm sorry you're in this horrible situation. I was in the same boat 15 years ago with my daughter's father, he keeps on cheating and I keep forgiving, and giving him what he wants whenever he wants it, until one day...I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself anymore. I've lost all form of self-respect because of what this man has done to me. People here will give you all sorts of advice to stop immediately and get out of this situation, it's the right thing to do, but if you are governed by your feelings rather than common sense, it would be a hard thing to do. You will have to reach the end of yourself, and say enough is enough. I'm hoping you have reached it already. After you get out of this situation knowing that you have done everything you can to the point of humiliating yourself by giving in to the whims of your monster of a husband, you will feel relief and freedom.


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