# Should I tell him?



## TooBad (Jul 27, 2010)

My husband and I separated last fall. Between him driving us into debt, his lack of motivation, and loss of respect for himself and everyone else (including me and our child), his addiction to pot, and our pathetic sex life--I started to hate the person he had become.
We lost our home because he decided not to file his taxes 3 years before we married, and the IRS put a levy on our property, so we ended up moving in with his parents. His parents seem to think he is 15yo, and baby him. They enable his behavior, so at one point...I had enough and said we move, or I leave. He called my bluff, and I left. Things only got worse, we fought, he spent my money, he didn't try and change anything so I told him I wanted a divorce. Its not because I didn't love him, because I did. I loved him so much. I would throw myself in front of a bullet for him, the problem is...he wouldn't do the same for me. He would throw me in front of the bullet to save himself or his parents. I sometimes thought to myself "I wish this was all because he was having an affair".......Hear me out! It was hard to accept that he didn't want me. That he wasn't attracted to me. That he changed because he found someone else...not because he really didn't want me.  I'm a good woman. I take care of my family. I keep a very clean and organized household. I am sexually open, I am a great mom. I will take care of my boys (hubby and son), and give them whatever they need. I just don't get what I did wrong. I was sick of the rejection. 
About a month ago, I was at work and on my lunch break. I was sitting outside reading a book and I was approached by a dog. He had a collar on, and was running stray. I noticed there was a phone number and address on the tag, so I called. It turns out it was this mans dog that worked just around the corner from me. I met him, and we got to talking. To make a long story short, he brought me on a date, and I really liked him. After a couple dates, we did end up sleeping together. 
In the meantime, my husband surprises me. He consolidated his tax debt (which should be paid off next spring), paid of his credit cards, stopped smoking pot, and built a really concrete budget. He got a very nice apartment, and asked me to move in and give him another chance. 
So this is my dilemma. The gentleman I dated was instantly gone. The second I saw that my husband was really trying, and really did want me, I cut off all ties, and explained to him that I was going to give my marriage another chance. He understood, and promised not to pursue me again. 
What do I do about my husband though? Do I tell him about the OM? Do I bury it? I don't want to be dishonest with him, but at the same time, I know he would be VERY hurt if he knew. 
Do you consider this cheating? I know he would, but I honestly didn't have ANY intentions of going back to him. 

What should I do? I want to make this right.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Was your intent to divorce, was it his?
This is a tough one, did he date anyone else?
Was he faithful to you?
I guess honesty is the best thing if you are going to work on your marriage, just so you both know the truth, I guess he would have the right to decide what he will do with the truth, whether he wants to continue in the marriage, it is his right......
sit down have a talk about what the mind set was and if he had any expectations when it came to you not dating anyone else, or him for that matter......get the whole truth out there from both sides........good luck....life is always so complicated....


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## TooBad (Jul 27, 2010)

I am the one that asked for a divorce, he did not want one. 
No, he didn't date anyone. So he stayed faithful to me. 

This is complicated. I honestly don't feel like I cheated, but I also don't feel like I did something that was "okay", ya know? 

He wasn't a good husband for a long time, and I feel like if he found out that it would ALL go out the window. I left him for a reason. I asked for a divorce for a reason. He wasn't willing to work on things, and change our situation until he saw that I was moving on. 

I love him, and I don't want to hurt him...but I am NOT a liar. I don't know how to handle this.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I know you don't want to hear this but I guess he does have the right to hear the whole truth and then make his decision, explain it to him like you did to me. You have to work on building a better marriage and honest, trustworthy one.....tell him this.......tell him this is why you are telling him the truth. 
Tell him you love him and never wanted to be in this position but felt you had no choice but to ask for a divorce.....
Tell him you respect him enough to let him decide if he wants to continue the marriage now that he is armed with all the knowledge.
If you don't come clean it will eat away at you over the years.....
the honesty is for you as well, a clean slate for the two of you, make it the best marriage you can now......good luck.....


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You did cheat. Your needs were not being met. This is what is meant by the words in your wedding vows "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" Your tolerance for the downside was just not as committed as your hope in the upside. The fact is that your husband was at fault for the state of your marriage. But you are at fault for cheating. Look back and reverse the situation what would your opinion be? If you smoked pot, spent your husbands money, lost his house and then he cheated? You said *"I don't want to be dishonest with him, but at the same time, I know he would be VERY hurt if he knew."* You will do one or the other. You will either be dishonest with him or hurt him. The decision is yours. Oh and it doesn't matter whether you never thought you would reconcile. That is why you get divorced b4 you have sex with other people.


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## Surfer433 (Jul 28, 2010)

Do not tell him, you will hurt him. Deal with your conscience yourself, it does not matter if it was cheating or not. If you want to hurt him, just to make yourself feel better, please reconsider.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Surfer433 said:


> Do not tell him, you will hurt him. Deal with your conscience yourself, it does not matter if it was cheating or not. If you want to hurt him, just to make yourself feel better, please reconsider.


I'm sorry but I do not agree with this. The OP listed out a litany of issues she had with her H that caused her to consider divorce. Now he has started making the changes in his life to better himself and he is now more attractive to her. This is very standard advice normally given to the betrayed spouse when they are working on saving the marriage. 

The issue here is that, while he was making those changes to better himself, she never even considered what actions she may have had that contributed to the decline in that marriage. In my marriage, like most, the problems are usually 2 sided, thought we only usually hear one side. 

Now that he has made those changes, he deserves to know what has happened and have... not only the right to decide HIS future from here on, but he also needs to know for his health, should you two reconcile. 

Face it, he faced his shortcomings, faced the consequences of his prior actions and actually WORKED to better himself. Time for you to face the mistakes you have now made, face the consequences of YOUR actions and decide on how to better yourself as well.

Q~


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

The person who commits an affair in a marriage/relationship will always try to justify their actions by placing blame on the other person in the marriage/relationship. This is a textbook example of feelings, an irrational and emotionally-based string of conceptual thought, being wrongly justified rationally by a mind refusing to accept its own failure.

Noone wants to accept their own mistakes for it lessens the virtue of their whole and makes them feel sub-par relative to the social standards placed on them by the institution (marriage or a relationship). However, it doesnt change the reality that you own that mistake, it just buries it in a cloud of ignorance.

You had a sexual relationship with a man. This is a fact you have acknowledged in your post. This becomes a problem whenever you have made a promise TO ANOTHER MAN to follow an institution that, in the United States, explicitly requires monogamy in order to uphold its mandates. If you agreed to accept marriage between you and him, then you forbid in your own life sexual relations with another man. You failed to honor the tenants of the institution of marriage, and your partner has a right to know.

I see a cycle here. Certainly your husband is not absolved of all liability for the state of happiness in your marriage, but you seem to have your own hand in the marriages failure, not only through what you have explicitly stated, but also through what has been implied. You want to be happy (who doesnt?). You went against the wishes (as you apparently KNOW he had as you KNOW he will be hurt "VERY" much) of your husband in pursuit of this happiness. Now that he has turned around many of his failures and has put forth effort, YOU WANT to keep things quiet for YOU because YOU dont want him to be mad at YOU (or leave you). What about him? Despite his past failings, and perhaps some he currently has, didnt you agree to an institution where you would keep promises and consider him and value his feelings? To say nothing and bury his head in ignorance for your own personal happiness is selfish. If you claim its for your son, you should have thought about him before you slept with another man.

Are you planning to sleep with your husband in 6 months after you secretly go get tested and string him along with lies, are you just going to sleep with your husband and not care if he gets an STD you very well might have, or are you going to become an adult and tell the truth while ceasing the lies? Condoms dont prevent HPV if genital contact happens where the condom isnt (can happen during sex even if it didnt seem like it), and HIV/AIDS doesnt show up often for 3-6 months after it is contracted.

You think the OM feels bad, but I call BS on that. He knew what he was doing. And, as much as I hate to acknowledge this, as a man I have personally known many guys who overtly lied to women and used them for sex (not all of us are this way, including me and apparently your husband). He might have had unprotected sex with a woman the day before he had protected/unprotected sex with you, and you are going to just keep it quiet and engage in sexual relations with your husband?

Tell him, own up to your mistakes, and let him decide if you are to be absolved or not- he has in essence paid you the same courtesy.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

TooBad said:


> My husband and I separated last fall. Between him driving us into debt, his lack of motivation, and loss of respect for himself and everyone else (including me and our child), his addiction to pot, and our pathetic sex life--I started to hate the person he had become.
> We lost our home because he decided not to file his taxes 3 years before we married, and the IRS put a levy on our property, so we ended up moving in with his parents. His parents seem to think he is 15yo, and baby him. They enable his behavior, so at one point...I had enough and said we move, or I leave. He called my bluff, and I left. Things only got worse, we fought, he spent my money, he didn't try and change anything so I told him I wanted a divorce. Its not because I didn't love him, because I did. I loved him so much. I would throw myself in front of a bullet for him, the problem is...he wouldn't do the same for me. He would throw me in front of the bullet to save himself or his parents. I sometimes thought to myself "I wish this was all because he was having an affair".......Hear me out! It was hard to accept that he didn't want me. That he wasn't attracted to me. That he changed because he found someone else...not because he really didn't want me.  I'm a good woman. I take care of my family. I keep a very clean and organized household. I am sexually open, I am a great mom. I will take care of my boys (hubby and son), and give them whatever they need. I just don't get what I did wrong. I was sick of the rejection.
> About a month ago, I was at work and on my lunch break. I was sitting outside reading a book and I was approached by a dog. He had a collar on, and was running stray. I noticed there was a phone number and address on the tag, so I called. It turns out it was this mans dog that worked just around the corner from me. I met him, and we got to talking. To make a long story short, he brought me on a date, and I really liked him. After a couple dates, we did end up sleeping together.
> In the meantime, my husband surprises me. He consolidated his tax debt (which should be paid off next spring), paid of his credit cards, stopped smoking pot, and built a really concrete budget. He got a very nice apartment, and asked me to move in and give him another chance.
> ...


Easy one for me NOPE!! Seems to me you were as good as gone after years of bullcrap!! I know many married families in the same boat one of the spouses is a idiot and continues to screw up financially, alcohol, drugs, 40 acting like a teenager!! Most of these are men and most of the marriages suck.

He miraculously pulls a rabbit out of his "hat" and wants to be the man he was supposed to be for the last couple of years.............I again say NOPE no reason to tell.


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