# Wanting to go back to my Abusive Wife



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Hello all,

I have been separated from my wife of almost 2 years for a little over 3 months now. When I made the decision to leave the emotional/physical abuse was so great I did not know what to do. Coupled with the fact the she went to another mans house without my knowledge was the straw that broke the camels back. I packed all my belongings, strength and courage I had left over and drove home to my parents house. 

I did not tell her I was leaving and when I finally did she was completely devastated and I told her that I still wanted to work things out with her. I wanted to allow God, time and us to work together to find that love that we once had. I can remember clearly promising her that we would, no matter what, stay together because we both had come out of horrible marriages. 

I have posted on here several times before I made my decision to leave and came to know that my wife may have a personality disorder such as BPD or NPD. All I can think of now is the times that when she was loving was the most caring and wonderful woman in the world. I needed her and she needed me and things felt so great until the hammer dropped. When things started to get abusive I told myself I could handle it but it started to were me down. I felt like once I saw she had this EA with another man it crushed my whole heart. I had put up with so much emotional, physical, and mental abuse I had enough and needed to run! 

I have tried everything since I have been gone to show her how much I love her and appreciate her. While I was mad I feel as though I may have forced her away one night when I told her "I wish you would file" and I have not heard from her since. The last time we talked was last week and she completely made me feel like everything in this relationship that went wrong was my fault. From 2011 until now everything has been what I've done to her or said to her and she takes no accountability for her actions, almost as if I deserved it. I cannot understand how someone can go from love to hate in little over 3 months and it is completely devastating me. 

I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I made the worst mistake of my life and now I want to go back home. Yes things were difficult and yes things were hard, but I feel like I cannot breathe without her. I feel like I may have overreacted and now it is costing me my marriage. I feel like the only way to make things work is to go back to her and try again. I am so lost right now I feel like a sheet flapping in the wind, I'm here but I feel like I'm losing something so dear to me. I do not know what to do...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, if she moved into some other guy's place, it wasn't just an EA.

Second, have you looked into counselling for yourself to examine why you're considering going back into an abusive relationship? I don't mean that to be cruel, but she's not likely to have been magically fixed in the last few months. And if you were a woman going back into an abusive relationship, we'd all be shouting at you to not do it. At least until your partner has undergone a lot of treatment/counselling of her own.

C


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't mean it to.

I'll second what PBear has said. Stop giving her the benefit of the doubt. She's f*cking this guy. 

Why would you go back to that? Think about it. Think about all of the emotional, physical and mental abuse. Do you really value yourself so lowly? I bet you feel somewhat like you deserved it, no? 

Well - you don't. Nobody does. It's time to put your big boy pants on and do what you need to do. Stop tolerating her sh*t. Stop tolerating a sh*t relationship. Work on yourself, work to realise that you deserve better than the way you were treated. Realising it is the first step. Then, when you truly believe it, you won't want to look back. 

Work to find your self worth. Indulge in things you are good at for an ego boost. Flirt with some women, hang out with friends.

I can 100% guarantee you, you will find someone else who will make you happy. Someone else you will love. But first of all, you need to love yourself. You need to learn to be firm and assertive. You need to learn to look out for yourself (which stems from valuing yourself). 

When my wife left, I was crushed. I had no friends, no self esteem, I was distant from my family and I had no real hobbies. All I had was her (as a result of her emotional abuse/control).

She's been gone 3 months now, and she keeps trying to reel me back in. A few times, I've started falling for it again, and I've realised that it makes me miserable. It's SO much easier when you don't tolerate it. Yet, I know how you feel because I keep getting sucked back in. But not any longer.

Go NC, implement the 180. Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy", then read it again, and again. Things will get easier for you.

It may even get your wife to turn her head - but don't hold any hope of that happening. You need to do these things for yourself and yourself alone.

If it does spark her interest again, whatever you do, do not just forgive and welcome her with open arms, make her work on herself, keep her at arms length until you see some real changes.

Don't be a doormat. Stand up for yourself.


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Lawrence ~ I'm sorry you're dealing with these tough emotions. It seems that you are missing the good times you had with your wife, and this is a completely normal reaction. I agree with the previous poster that mentioned you should seek out counseling. Have you ever gone to counseling before?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I think most people here will agree that when they refuse to take responsibility for their actions and blame you for everything - there is usually more going on than you know. The blame shifting is a way for them to try to shift their guilt on to you. Counseling is your best bet and if she refuses to go then you need to cut your losses and look for a truly happy relationship. You deserve better than to live with any kind of abuse.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

^Agreed. Mine did all of that and is most likely suffering from NPD. It was all an illusion. Just keep reminding yourself that.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

lawrencebe said:


> I cannot understand how someone can go from love to hate in little over 3 months.


Lawrence, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she is capable of flipping from loving you to hating you in ten seconds. Doing so in 3 months, then, is not at all surprising. 

As we discussed a year ago and again last June, BPDers do splitting -- wherein they force everyone into a black or white box because they cannot tolerate dealing with ambiguities, dualities, uncertainties, or other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. I'm so sorry to hear that you are still suffering in such great pain. Have you see a therapist to get some extra support? Also, what helped me was getting some Zoloft to reduce my anxiety during my separation and divorce process.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Lawrence, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she is capable of flipping from loving you to hating you in ten seconds. Doing so in 3 months, then, is not at all surprising.
> 
> As we discussed a year ago and again last June, BPDers do splitting -- wherein they force everyone into a black or white box because they cannot tolerate dealing with ambiguities, dualities, uncertainties, or other grey areas in interpersonal relationships. I'm so sorry to hear that you are still suffering in such great pain. Have you see a therapist to get some extra support? Also, what helped me was getting some Zoloft to reduce my anxiety during my separation and divorce process.


Listen to Uptown, he knows what he's talking about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Lawrence, when she was "with you", all her problems would be solved if you were gone.

Now... that you are gone, all her problems will be solved when you are back. 

100% 

Black/White.

Her problems aren't gone. But, it simply cannot be her issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Thanks for all of the replies and I really appreciate the ongoing support.

This last year has been a real eye opener for me and these last several months especially have allowed to see somethings for what they really are. I have been especially down on myself as I tore my Achilles tendon back in October so I have had a lot of time to sit and dwell on things. 

Uptown - I want to thank you for your continued support throughout this last year. With your help and knowledge I realized that my wife has some very huge issues that I myself cannot deal with. To this day she still feels as though she did not lie to me about going to that mans house and calls it "just not telling you". I researched BPD and bought several books on the disorder itself and I must say I have sympathy for those who suffer in silence. I realized I could not save her on my own and could no longer tolerate her damaging behavior in my life. I guess the scars are still there and I'e been replaying over and over the things she has said and done to me as it is my fault and mine alone. It has even got to the point where I feel like I should have done more or tried more to be there and now I feel like I failed her. 

Regroup & Somethingnewmaybe - You guys bring up valid points that I will continue to remind myself of. I have frequented shrink4men.com to read some of the other horror stories that men go through and they all sound so much like mine. I feel as though I was seduced into her arms through lies and manipulation and now that I'm not there for her its "out of sight out of mind". It seems as if now she has "split" me all the way as "bad" and now I am just as worse as her last marriage and another relationship she had before in the past. I was floored to hear this and it just feels like I'm back in the fog after that conversation. Is there a possiblitiy that she may have changed or is she just moved on to avoid the actual pain? I am still unclear how these personality disorders handle these situations and it sees like I will never get "closure" from her besides divorce papers in the mail.

As for counseling I have not yet gathered the strength to see a therapist. I have been to therapy before and was diagnosed with anxiety and depressive mood disorders. I do feel as though in my marriage my insecurities and neediness really were not healthy either. I do not know if her issues made those feelings worse but I do know the roller coaster of emotions I experienced have paralyzed me to a great degree now. I drank way too much, I was to at times verbally abusive and I realize that I have my share of issues as well. I think that we were two broke people really trying to make a marriage work that was doomed from the beginning.

I guess what I wanna know is what did any of you guys say in your counseling sessions that made it effective? Is group therapy a good thing to goto as well? My last therapy sessions I fee I did not take serious and were not effective and this time I want to get the most out of it and learn to truly love myself.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Last message I received from her...


You know what gets me about this whole situation? This was initiated by you. Everything has to be in your time. I have a control issue that I am completely aware of but so do you. Yours is quieted and not always noticeable unless your eyes are open. I truly feel like you want to be sincere but you are not. I feel that you are disgusted with where you are in this current situation and you are trying to find your way back to me because it is a way out of where you are right now. Just like going back was a way out from here. I'm not a puppet and I would never try to make you one to or for me. If I did I apologize. At the time that's what I feel I am to you. You say these nice or "sincere" things to get a reaction out of me then when I don't behave as you want push me away again. It's a back and forth. 

I may not have always been emotionally available to you, but when I was you didn't appreciate it in my eyes and threw it away. I remember one day you told me to quit saying I was there for you when you were going through your mess with Juanita because it was Star and not me. I just caught the end and not the complete mess. You totally and completely discredited me. Even though you apologized later, that was a huge slap in the face. You said one day you know folks place in your life and that Star is always that person that can help you when you need it and that's it. Well damn, wtf? So I may be your wife but when you need someone to pull through for you it isn't me. It's like just like you use her when you need to, I feel like you are trying to use me and when you have gotten what you want you will dismiss me again for another few weeks or months until the next situation I can help you with arises. This is how I feel and No I'm not holding on to any hurt from my past, just from this relationship. 

I write to release my emotions and this is what's in my diary of feelings. Just as you hate me some days I probably hate you more. Not in the sense of true hate but I can't stand the thought of you. But you know what, I still wear my ring and honor these vows to the best of my ability. I just can't deal with you right now because I'm trying to get my life and priorities in order. You too quick to say you are my husband, the head, and my covering and by biblical position and order you are right, but where was this when you were here? Were you truly leading me or trying to control me by snooping through my things, posting our business on an online forum, calling me a ho because of my past, and telling me I'm slobbing down ****s cause I'm not talking to you? You seem to think when I'm not with you I'm with the next. But you love me though? Yes I have walls from the past but when I let them down up they go because of **** like this. 

Now granted I wasn't a saint either cause I chose to talk to other ****** about us and maintain friendships with males knowing full and damn well I am married and that's wrong while expecting you to terminate yours. Or the fact that I went to another man house and didn't tell you. And to top it off for him to ask me for a quickie and me to not go completely off but to fall right in the trap and say let me see what I can do cause you getting on my nerves. Yeah well that's another **** up because of what it appeared to be. So yes I'm no where near perfect I'm still human. But through all of that I never stepped out physically. In my eyes this has nothing to do with the emotional affair that I had but the physical one you thought I had. 
Hell I'm not tripping cause you don't believe me because that's a hard pill to swallow. I'm more stuck on your opinion of me, the one of how "you knew about me before you got me and how I was a ho". Well damn, how can I compete with your feelings of me? That's not my battle or is it? So am I truly being penalized for what I did or for the fact that you feel you made a lapse in judgement for being with what you had already processed to be a ho? See having discernment does no good if you use it wrong. Because you have to know who is showing you that information. Is it god or is it satan? I can read folk too but even in what I see I still feel there is an ounce of good in folk and I try to find that. That's my problem I try too hard and hold in for way too long. So as I sit here and read your messages I'm hearing you but right now I'm having a hard time processing this because I don't think it's genuine. No I'm not being an ass I have to be honest with you. It's been almost three months and now instead if crying because you aren't here, my tears are now out of frustration for not obeying God and for other things in life where I have failed. 

I miss your presence but not your spirit.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Blame shifting. Don't rise to it. It's what she wants.

She's shifting the blame to assuage her guilt of sleeping with the OM. She's trying to convince herself that what she has done is justified and right.

It's not.

This is the pattern.

W: You're such a POS, I wish I'd never met you.
H: I can't believe you said that, f*ck you!
W: OMG see what I mean? You're an *******.

Rinse and repeat.

Don't get stuck in that cycle.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

You right..it just hard to believe I feel in love with someone like this. Almost as if everything was a lie at this point. I find myself missing her entirely too much. I replay over and over her breaking down when I told her I left and it kills me to my core. I know it was for the best though and how she acts now is a constant reminder of why I left. One moment she's sad and crying wishing I would come home and the next a stark raving lunatic. Everything is such a blur and I feel so damn betrayed and stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> You right..it just hard to believe I feel in love with someone like this. Almost as if everything was a lie at this point. I find myself missing her entirely too much. I replay over and over her breaking down when I told her I left and it kills me to my core. I know it was for the best though and how she acts now is a constant reminder of why I left. One moment she's sad and crying wishing I would come home and the next a stark raving lunatic. Everything is such a blur and I feel so damn betrayed and stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's tough to stomach. You spend years with someone, and you think you know them so well, then one day it's like a switch flips in their head and they become this cold, vindictive, spiteful person. Mine even started acting a little bit crazy for a while. 

My wife left me, and I was devastated completely, but now I'm actually glad she did, this is the best thing she has ever done for me.

Keep reminding yourself why you left, that you deserve better, and that better is out there. Learn to make yourself happy, do things that focus on you. 

Do you have any hobbies?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I want to post this and share it with everyone here. While it is lengthy it describes my marriage and past relationships to a "T". My God I hope it helps someone else...

In some relationships, the idealization phase is the partner being in lonely child stance and the Borderline being in abandoned child stance.*Both need saving* Both need attachment to stave off the pain of being alone. This is one type of bonding seen in this community.

In this bond, both people bring core trauma to the relationship. Mirroring reenacts the earliest childhood experiences to rise up and emerge into consciousness.

In idealization, there is a dual identification and projection for both people that they have found a perfect love- however, one partner (the “lonely child”) does not yet realize that the other partner (the abandoned child= Borderline) has no whole self- and is utilizing a fantasy of a part-time good in order to fuse with the partner's part time good and become one.

The lonely child has spent much of their life becoming “one.” When a lonely child finds an abandoned child, both parties feel needed. However, rather than truly loving the individuality of both parties- the sad, fantasy aspect of mirroring magnifies the unhealthy *needs* of both people.

When the lonely child begins to question the reality of mirroring (reality testing) this raises core traumas into activation concerning both the questioning (uncertainty) and the hope (unfulfilled expectations) of the unrealistic attachment. "Lack of inherent trust" is found in both parties at this stage.

Reality testing causes the lonely child to pull away because certain things don't add up- as you say, "the idealization phase slowly erodes." 

Pulling away, even while in the lap of comfortable luxury- triggers the abandoned child issues of the Borderline. This causes panic reactions of clinging behaviors by the Borderline to prevent the retreat of their desired love object. These immature demands can look like entitlement to others, especially to a lonely child, who has learned early on to be self sufficient and to self soothe- but the entitlement markers are highly charged and emotional to a Borderline, which isn’t Narcissistic grandiosity- it’s ego deficiency and panic. 

The entitlement phase brings a hidden "angry and aggressive child" out from hibernation and into full view and this usually occurs when the lonely child least expects it. The angry child that emerges is pissed and has delusions of persecution that are ideas of reference from earlier childhood trauma. It’s at this point that the angry child (Borderline) will become enraged and try to cast off shame. They may attempt to harm himself/herself in order to scapegoat the lonely child- who unwittingly stands-in for the earliest attachment. This triggers the lonely child's trauma from their earliest attachment as well.

The Borderline wants so badly to be whole that they demand that the lonely child create wholeness for them- which the partner succeeds in doing early on but then relaxes. The Borderline temper tantrum, with its ideas of reference being so very childlike and fantastic, perceives the relaxation of the partner as though the attachment is split up. In order to cope, the Borderline must now find another part time perceived good object to self medicate the emotions of feeling badly from the split. If this cannot be accomplished, the surge of limbic fear concerning anger and abandonment causes such great pain that self harm is often inflicted for relief.

The lonely child is often very surprised by this. The anger and dysregulation are in contrast to what he/she perceives are necessary for the circumstances. (The lonely child fails to see need disguised as "love.") Therefore, the lonely child seeks to understand the Borderlines ideas of reference concerning "love" in order to cope with the neediness and begins a line of questioning. The Borderline retreats.

Lonely child is "understanding driven" and gets drawn into the Borderline acting out. The lonely child now has a mystery- the Borderline dilemma of "who am I?" This is very likely the same way that the lonely child came into existence as an “understanding driven” child. Especially when he questioned the motives of his earliest attachments during infancy and adolescence. 

The lonely child *understands* the need to be held, loved and understood – because that’s what he longs for in others. The lonely child feels that in order to deal with acting out of the Borderline- the lonely child must project the aura of grace, compassion and understanding upon the Borderline and also guide, teach and show the way- because after all, that’s what the lonely child would want someone to do for him. There was a large reason that the initial mirroring (of this fixer /rescuer ego) worked so well in the idealization stage- the relationship really WAS the projection of lonely child that was mirrored, not the deficient ego of the Borderline. 

In the "upside down" world of the Borderline, the lonely child is the perfect attachment to fuse to and the hypersensitive Borderline is the perfect mystery for the lonely child to try to understand. This is the reactivation of a childhood dynamic- that forms a needy bond.

The Borderline is a perfect template with which to *project* and identify with as a good object and also one to invest in to feel better about the “self.”

The understanding driven lonely child "imagines" (projects) onto the Borderline what he/she feels the Borderline identifies with. The lonely child often fills in the blanks with projective identification and the Borderline attempts to absorbs this- but it's impossible to appear as a self-directed person while taking cues and mirroring another self directed partner.

The Borderline scrambles to keep up with what is projected in a chameleon like manner. All of this pressure to adapt and conform to the projection smothers and defeats the Borderline’s yearning for a perfect bond and triggers engulfment failure. 

Engulfment also means loss of control, annihilation fantasies and shame. Shame activates the punitive parent that resides in their inner world, their psyche. The attachment failure has now become shame based for the Borderline. It will soon become guilt driven for the lonely child partner.

Engulfment makes Borderlines very frustrated and angry- but Borderlines fear abandonment and choose to stuff away their fear and compulsively attempt to manage their pain. The impulsive gestures are a form of self harm that fixes the bond in a permanent chaos of action/reaction. 

Borderlines can be avoidant and passive aggressive and will do everything in their power to hide their strong emotions until they implode. They swing wildly from abandoned child to angry child until they deflate into detached protector- who is basically a mute that doesn’t speak- or worse, speaks in word salad when confronted.

The swinging dysregulation pattern is unable to be separated and individuated and self directed. Because it cannot be self directed, it cannot be self soothed. There is no ability to defer these emotions to logic and reasoning with introspection *without* another person to blame. This is where Borderlines are showing you the maturity stage at which they are developmentally arrested and remain stuck and frightened.

Quote
Devaluing is the BPD going into the punitive parent role to switch up the control ~ control was relinquished in the idealisation phase so we will attach. The further along we get in the rs ~ the BPD then feels like we are the persecutor for their failing part time self ~ devalue. Devaluing is more about projection ~ because there failing self makes them feel woeful, scared, fearful.

We all have punitive parents that exist in our heads. This is our Superego. The criticism felt by both parties exists as guilt and shame inside our heads. This tape plays over and over and is a re-working of former traumas. It is also a huge part of what makes complementary traumas so attractive as binding agents to each other. The lonely child has the “tyrannical shoulds” while the abandoned child has defectiveness schema- together they interact and drive each other crazy.

The understanding driven child cannot fathom how another human being does not have a “self.” The understanding driven child has had much childhood experience with strong selves and has created a self to understand the motives of others. Lonely children have a need to have some sort of control over their destiny because so much was out of control in their childhood.

The Borderline’s idea of destiny is being attached to others for protection. The Borderline cannot fathom what it means to have a stand alone “self.” 

Both parties are human “doing” for others rather than being- but there is more impulsivity in Borderline in the “offering” of themselves as objects. (The lonely child is very particular concerning who he gives his heart to and makes decisions based upon careful consideration.)

The failure to find a healthy mature love activates the punitive parent in both people’s psyche- one for persecution and the other for failure to understand others (cloaked in rescuing behaviors)- this is the “flea” of each others psychiatric trauma that really is a very strong obsessive bond, and one of endless victimization for both parties unless one or the other becomes understanding driven toward self direction. Guess who has the best chance? Unfortunately, the mirrored good that the Borderline provided was a very strong drug- and the obsession is outwardly projected (as it always has been) by the lonely child in order to understand and consequently, control it.

It’s at this point that spying, engaging in testing and push/pull behaviors occur as both parties fight for control. Each pours salt in the others core wound. 

The understanding driven child tries to understand the Borderline and the Borderline feels misunderstood and persecuted. The understanding driven child retreats to repair their ego and the Borderline lashes out and tries to shame him. The pendulum swings back and forth in clinging and hating and disordered thought and chaos. 

The lonely child tries to uncover what they think the Borderline is hiding from them (triggering bouts of paranoia) or missing (creating dependency issues.) The angry child threatens to destroy the relationship (as well as themselves = self harm) which triggers immense anger and outrage for both parties. Their love object is broken.

Both parties are in pain- and their egos are easy to "pinch" because they both fear abandonment. At this point, both core traumas are exposed and the partners are no longer interacting with each other except to arouse each other’s trauma wounds from childhood.

The false self of the lonely child, that the Borderline mirrored, has more ego- as it is directly tied to a “self” which involves coping mechanisms from childhood that mirrored back good. It was a self that was capable and seeming to have all the answers in the beginning. When the Borderline tries to destroy it as a failed attachment, it begins to crumble and the lonely child retreats and tries to repair it- essentially wounded to the core. This is also part and parcel of the injury of the smear campaign- and the lonely child may try to return to defend the "self" from being attacked.

Trauma for the lonely child occurs mainly because of perceived failure they cannot “understand” enough (essentially an obsession at this point) and trauma for the Borderline occurs because of anger and abandonment and shame that existed since infancy- and persecution by their inner parent superego for not becoming whole. 

At this point, both parties feel like failures.

Unfortunately, the repair for the lonely child’s self consists of trying again to fix the Borderline "mirror" to reflect the good. Many attempts will be made by the lonely child (once again) to effect an outcome other than the failed attachment. The lonely child will try to re-build the self and get the love object (Borderline) to return and resume their compliant mirroring.

Eventually, the fantasy begins to unravel for the lonely child, that they are alone- and the person that the lonely child fell in love with, (the person in the mirror,) was actually YOU.

Who really is the Borderline? Someone who needed you for awhile because they were scared to be alone.

They’re still scared. Forgive them if you can- they are modern day recreations of their own childhood fears.

Now- after reading all of this- You can’t keep going back for more trauma. Thought The trauma bond must be broken. 

After we've let fantasy go- we can turn the focus to healing. It's good to wonder what our attraction must have been to this person. Whatever clues you have are generally good enough to give you reason that you’ve had experience with this type of personality before- perhaps within your family of origin. 

Stop yourself from thinking that you’ve never been treated so poorly before this relationship. When you catch yourself saying you can't believe it. Stop and think. Chances are- you’ve just chosen to repress a few circumstances from childhood that were traumatic. Now the feelings are back on the surface and you’re going to have to address them.

Introspection involves a great pain. Let those feelings come up. Journal your thoughts when you feel anxious. Learn about yourself. We must address the pain from our childhood that has been left unresolved for too long. We cannot escape from pain if we are to have personal growth- and you've got to get this relationship out of the way in order to get at the real hurt.

Radical acceptance comes when you realize that what was mirrored really wasn’t you- it was what *you wanted others to give to you* It was <<Understanding.>> 

Try to give that to yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

^That's my situation identically as well.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lawrencebe said:


> You right..it just hard to believe I feel in love with someone like this. Almost as if everything was a lie at this point. I find myself missing her entirely too much. I replay over and over her breaking down when I told her I left and it kills me to my core. I know it was for the best though and how she acts now is a constant reminder of why I left. One moment she's sad and crying wishing I would come home and the next a stark raving lunatic. Everything is such a blur and I feel so damn betrayed and stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey, Lawrence. Sorry to hear you're going through all of this. My STBXH was emotionally abusive as well, so I know where you're coming from here.

WantWifeBack is right, she was blame shifting with that letter she wrote - she's doing everything she can to continue to manipulate and control you. So you need to do whatever it takes for you to counter-act that.

First -- don't call yourself stupid. You're not. Emotional abusers are very clever and manipulative. That's her voice you're hearing in your head. You're not stupid. I'm not stupid. None of the people I've met here on TAM who have dealt with emotionally abusive ex-spouses are stupid. What I see in myself and other people here who've dealt with the same it this: generally good-hearted, kind people whose good and kind hearts were exploited by another for the most selfish of reasons.

I fully understand the struggle you're going through with your post quoted above. For me, I found the best thing was to detach and learn to separate my emotions and rational thoughts, because they were constantly opposing forces. ("This man is bad for me, treats me like sh!t, I deserve better, I should leave... but I LOOOOVVVVEEEE HIIIIIMMMMMM!" -- See the problem here?) 

We can only control ourselves and our reactions to others -- we cannot control what others do. Once I learned how to separate these two and identify which was driving my reaction at any given time, it became much easier for me to see what he was doing at any given time in a more realistic light, better control my re/actions, and choose to act based on what I knew was best for me (rational thought) rather than being self-destructive (emotions). Eventually, through constant vigilance, my rational thought re/actions became much more natural and instinctive in dealing with my STBXH, which in turn broke the hold that my previous emotions had over me.

Emotions don't last forever. So when you have emotions that aren't any good for you, if you can ride them out through rational thought (and some positive thinking), those self-destructive emotions will eventually fade over time. You just have to wait them out.

Keep posting here -- we will help you out.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> Hey, Lawrence. Sorry to hear you're going through all of this. My STBXH was emotionally abusive as well, so I know where you're coming from here.
> 
> WantWifeBack is right, she was blame shifting with that letter she wrote - she's doing everything she can to continue to manipulate and control you. So you need to do whatever it takes for you to counter-act that.
> 
> ...


Blame-shifting is a horrible thing to do, it breeds sadness and anger, and if you are really emotionally under her control, it breeds self doubt, kills self-esteem and confidence.

I let my STBXW blame-shift for far too long, when you stop believing the lies, and see it for what it truly is, you can ignore it. When my STBXW blame-shifts now, I just think "Give it a rest, I've heard this one before, it wasn't true then, and it isn't now. Either take responsibility for your actions, or f*ck off."

Almost EVERY single affair case is accompanied by some blame shifting and cake-eating behaviour. The blame-shift serves two purposes. To relieve her guilt, and to make you feel guilty. She needs to make you feel guilty and like you're the one at fault, because that facilitates her cake-eating. It's the ultimate form of emotional abuse and control in my opinion.

But, they can only have that control if you let them. Don't allow if to play with your mind. Don't allow it to affect you mentally. Emotionally, you have less control over, but you still have a degree of control. Block it out mentally though, and in time the emotional side will follow.

Stay strong LBE. You're a man, so be one. You don't need anyone in your life apart from yourself. You have the stones for this, even if you don't know it yet, one day you will. Things will get easier.


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