# Communication and Affection



## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

My wife and I communicate pretty well together on most issues. The exception occurs in situations where we've had a disagreement, her feelings or my feelings have been hurt, or there's an underlying problem that one of us needs to bring out into the open. My wife tends to bury her thoughts in the sand and hope they go away on their own. It truly amazes me how long she can withhold a negative thought. Over time, this builds resentment and that's never good. Somehow, I have to figure out what’s bothering her and pry it out of her to distinguish it. I, on the other hand, prefer to confront the issues, get them out on the table and get them resolved sooner rather than later. When this happens, we normally take a night to "sleep on it" and reassess the situation in the morning. It works pretty well most of the time. That's one topic some of you might like to comment on which leads up to my following question.

Lately, my wife and I have been making significant strides in our 20+ year marriage by being much more respectful to one another in situations of conflict. It's allowed me to open up to her and express my feelings better. I have one lingering question to post for response from the women on this forum. Here it goes. At the present time, I want to communicate to my wife that I need to feel her touch every day. It doesn't have to be for long, and can be as subtle as her hand on my shoulder for a few seconds, I just need to feel physical affection from her a few times each day. Thinking about this, I'm not sure how to bring it up. I've mentioned it to her a couple of times over the past 6 months, and I don't want to sound desperate or insecure by bringing it up again. That wouldn't be attractive to my wife or any other woman for that matter. Physical touch is my love language and she's well aware of this after reading the book and discussing it with me quite some time ago. Any advice?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

nwguy111 said:


> At the present time, I want to communicate to my wife that I need to feel her touch every day. It doesn't have to be for long, and can be as subtle as her hand on my shoulder for a few seconds, I just need to feel physical affection from her a few times each day. Physical touch is my love language and she's well aware of this after reading the book and discussing it with me quite some time ago.


maybe suggest revisiting the love languages book as a refresher? sort of saying Hey honey,we should make sure we're on track still,lets take a look at the love languages book and get refreshed on things"

or just tell her what you've said here in the quote.

It's easy to forget about our partners particular love language if it isn't a need of our own also.But if she is good at hiding negative feelings,it's possible she's withholding those little affections due to some sour feelings she has inside that you don't know about yet.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> maybe suggest revisiting the love languages book as a refresher? sort of saying Hey honey,we should make sure we're on track still,lets take a look at the love languages book and get refreshed on things"
> 
> or just tell her what you've said here in the quote.
> 
> It's easy to forget about our partners particular love language if it isn't a need of our own also.But if she is good at hiding negative feelings,it's possible she's withholding those little affections due to some sour feelings she has inside that you don't know about yet.


I've thought about bringing up the Love Languages book, but my wife reads pretty well into encrypted messages.

Your theory of her hiding negative feelings seems more plausible. I have a feeling there's some resentment deep inside her that she hasn't revealed to me. Something I haven’t figured out yet. I can ask her, but I'm not sure how far to push the issue. It's like walking on a tightrope.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Or maybe there’s no resentment and she's just going through a "non-touchy feely" stage?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

nwguy111 said:


> Your theory of her hiding negative feelings seems more plausible. I have a feeling there's some resentment deep inside her that she hasn't revealed to me. Something I haven’t figured out yet. I can ask her, but I'm not sure how far to push the issue. It's like walking on a tightrope.


no one should have to feel that way.you aren't a mind reader and subtle hints are hard to spot for the average person.

Was there something that happened to make her feel unsafe in sharing her negative feelings so they can be resolved? Or does she just hate confrontation of any sort?


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

My wife would rather avoid a confrontation than take it head on.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

nwguy111 said:


> My wife would rather avoid a confrontation than take it head on.


I get that,I can be similar sometimes depending on the person.Would it help her to write it down and just have you read it instead of trying to face you with her issues?


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I get that,I can be similar sometimes depending on the person.Would it help her to write it down and just have you read it instead of trying to face you with her issues?


Perhaps. Either way, I guess I have to decide how important an issue it is to me. When things are otherwise going pretty well, no one wants to "rock the boat." If I say nothing and assume her lack of physical affection remains the same, then I might end up becoming the one who resents her.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

nwguy111 said:


> Perhaps. Either way, I guess I have to decide how important an issue it is to me. When things are otherwise going pretty well, no one wants to "rock the boat." If I say nothing and assume her lack of physical affection remains the same, then I might end up becoming the one who resents her.


While it's good to pick your battles so to speak,if you are worried it could cause resentment it's always best to address it.You could also be right in saying it might not be a touchy feely time of month for her.Sometimes people just don't want to be touched,don't think of touching,and dont' make it a priority.But I would think if she knows this bothers you,she'd make the effort regardless of her mood...especially if you've shown you can do the same for her regardless of your mood.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's too bad no one else is commenting on this. I'm sure others have much better suggestions and advice than I can think of at this moment.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

walking on a tightrope? that doesn't sound good. do you have to walk on eggshells so you don't rock the boat and maintain peace? it must not be easy knowing what to say and what not to say to maintain peace. i'm glad after 20+ years that you're working on that, I think.

Could you say to your wife that more physical attention and affection would mean a lot to you and if you can start slow, like by holding hands while walking down the street. do you get a kiss hello or goodbye? it doesn't sound like you're asking for too much, just normal things. was she not affectionate before you got married?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

This doesn't sound like it would need to be a confrontation. Take her out to dinner, have a nice evening. Talk about what you can do on a daily basis to make her happier, i.e. helping out, talking, etc. 

Then, explain what you did in the first post above. It was very well said and not blaming or anything negative.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My H and I have a love seat!

Almost every night when he comes home from work he grabs a coffee or a beer and we go and sit on this seat and have a catch up on our day. 

Now this seat is a generous seat for one but ever so slightly small for two...haha...cunning plan.

So we sit on this seat...thighs touching, shoulders touching, holding hands,playing footsie and we talk.

Even if i get no other skin contact that day...this 20 mins on this seat with hubby kinda 'fills me up'. I go out of my way to give us time to sit together and cuddle and chat. 

Now it's become a habit.

Is there someway you could bring a similar situation into your day?

PS: We built our love-seat out of cement, mud, straw bales and wine bottles. It was built to be our love-seat.


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## smileyhappy (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi there,

I know how you feel I have gone through this for 20 years! When we dated he would hold my hand and of course he was affectionate in the date times. But after awhile he seem to not need the touch as much as I did. Over the years I have talked to him often about me needing affection. In my books affection is way up there in his books it is way below. He just doesn't need it as much. I love to cuddle and kiss as much as he would give it to me. I have felt terrible over the years sometime resentment and then I gave up for awhile. I had to realise he still loved me but just didn't need it. He would say I don't think about giving it to you because I don't need it as much and don't think about it but I do love you. 
Well I am a Christian and I prayed about it and then talked to my husband. Now I guess my prayers are being answered because he comes over to me and hugs me, he goes out of his way to find me to say good bye and kisses me. He tries to touch me in loving ways. I'm not complaining but it feels weird after so many years and he is changing for me! I feel more loved too, even though I knew he loved me, it just feel like he loves me more because he is making the effort. It's like a light bulb went off in his head about me needing more touch. All I can say is Thank God! 
I hope you are a patient man because it can take awhile before the other spouse realises the need we have.

Try prayer, it worked for me!

Take care,

Smileyhappy


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not a fan of talking.

I also believe you train people how to treat you. What I'd do is catch her every single time she touched you and praise her for it. "I just love it when you touch me even just briefly. It makes me SO happy. And when I'm happy that makes me love you MORE". Think win/win.

Dealing with nonconfrontational people is a much more complex topic. You must first learn to understand WHY they are like that. My husband began that behavior as a child because he feared getting in trouble plus he knew nobody cared what he thought anyway so why bother? It took me gently making him feel safe and making him believe that I truly did care about his feelings. 

This was not a fast process and prying only made him clam up more. Think horse whisperer. The more gentle and patient I was the more willing he was to trust me with his negative thoughts.


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## Lovesong (Nov 26, 2012)

In response to your physical affection need. Do you demo it to her? Instead of asking, have you tried providing the example by doing what you need to her to see if she picks up on it? 

Otherwise, I think a revisit to the LL book is in order. 

My ex was like your wife in that he could harbour resentment about god knows what and expected me to be a mind reader. The only cues for me that he was upset about something was when he would be passive-aggressive (rototil my bedding plants by 'accident', for example. Even then, I would ask, what is bothering your? He would not admit to anything. "I'm fine" would be theususal answer. Even when I pointed out that I noticed a pattern to the passive-aggressive behaviour. I tried everything to get him to open up. In the end, I left him. There was just no growing with him. And, in my case, he actually risked my life with this "by accident" behaviour. And this was a very well educated, polite, intelligent, supposedly gentle, man!


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