# What do I do?



## nyguy80 (Jan 23, 2011)

Hello everyone, new user here. I need some advice and you all seem to be pretty well versed so I hope you can help.

I'm 30 (almost 31) and my wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years and together for 6. We have had a pretty good relationship up until this point. Sure we have our little fights here and there, but who doesn't, right? We've been through a lot together: death, unemployment, divorce, financial hardships, etc. and throughout it all, we've suck together.

My wife has complained in the past that she felt like we were in the process of losing our spark. And, admittedly, I feel like a large part of it was my fault. I went through a time when I wasn't sure who I was anymore; my confidence was shot. Every time we had the discussion, I promised her that I would fix it. (For the record, "the spark" she's referring to wasn't only in the bedroom (though that was a part of it), it extended into other areas as well. I wasn't doing the same romantic things I used to do for her anymore, I wasn't making her feel like I appreciated her, etc.) Well, I would do my best to fix it, it would be good for a few weeks or months, and then I would fall right back into the same trap.

Finally the other night it came to a head. She told me that she feels like we have always been each other's best friends, but we have never been husband and wife. At this point, she doesn't feel like it can be fixed because we have always said in the past that we would fix it and she was constantly disappointed, so she has finally given up any hope of it being fixed.

Since we rent an apartment, we are kind of trapped until the lease is up in the Spring, but I don't know what to do while we're still here. 

Do I keep the faith alive in my own heart and try to fix it and make it better? I feel like it's going to be tough to do that and face constant rejection when everything I do is for naught. 

Or do I do nothing and just accept it's not going to get better? That's tough because I feel like I'm living with constant tension and awkwardness every day.

Any advice you can give me would be appreciated. Thanks for listening (or reading)!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ummmm how did this become all your problem? 

Are certain that you are the only one who needs to make changes and maintain them. Are there things that your wife can do to keep up her end of the bargin? Please consider all angles here, don't take the full brunt of the blame if it is not all up to you. Think about it and take action, you have been together for a long time and have had many challenges during that time. You are good friends, there must be a way to salvage this it you both put in the effort.


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## nyguy80 (Jan 23, 2011)

Thanks for the input. I didn't intend to make it sound like it's all my fault, she has said on many occasions that it's no one's fault, it just kind of happened. I just feel like it's mostly my fault. Maybe that's me trying to protect her, I don't know.

The fact that we are friends makes me have hope, but I can see it from her point of view too.


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## LSU Fan (Dec 31, 2010)

You can try and try and try. Do romantic stuff. Try to talk about things in a civil and polite way. However, if she has given up and doesn't want to try, there is little to nothing you can do. If things are gonna work, it is gonna take work from both of you, no matter who's "fault" it is.. Good Luck


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## nyguy80 (Jan 23, 2011)

Yeah, that's kind of my feeling too. I think that deep down, she wants to try, she's just scared.

Thanks!


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Keeping the "spark" alive in a marriage takes work and it's a never ending job. It is quite normal for that loving feeling to fade after a couple of years, and if you don't do something it could lead to bigger trouble down the road.

Try adding a bit of romance and excitment in your lives for a start. Learn some marriage building techniques, and most of all, put some enery into your marriage and it will make a difference.

Good luck


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What's happened is that you have started to model behaviors that reduce a woman's sexual attraction to you. You may very well want to change, but you don't know where to begin or have a model to work towards to make a proper change happen.

I suggest that you start reading my blog Married Man Sex Life and just begin with the top ten posts in the sidebar. 

Then call her over and ask her if what I write about on my blog is what she wants in a husband. If so... well then you have your MAP to get started on doing something.

If she's into what I'm writing about, then maybe that will swing her mood and give her some hope that this time change will really happen. Plus it will mean she will know what you're trying to do and will be more supportive and forgiving for little slip ups along the way.

Seriously, go read me, I know you'll like it.


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## aydan21 (Feb 2, 2011)

Everyone has problems, and after a couple years of being married it is fairly common for that spark to go away. What you are missing is just that excitement of it being new, but that will be replaced with respect and love, and the feeling of knowing someone is always there by your side.

Marriage takes work, it sometimes has rough patches, and this just might be one of them, but it will take both of you working together to fix it. Try to pinpoint was is wrong, spend more time together, go on dates, ect...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

aydan21 said:


> Everyone has problems, and after a couple years of being married it is fairly common for that spark to go away. What you are missing is just that excitement of it being new, but that will be replaced with respect and love, and the feeling of knowing someone is always there by your side.


Actually he said she was going to leave him in a few months if he didn't get his act together asap.


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