# mental illness-abuse?



## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

for those of you who's bf/ husband has smoething like depression or bipolar, does he treat you badly at times and if so, do you think its bc of the illness, or bc he is just being mean?

over my relationship my bf at times has lashed out at me unexpectedly, and acted abusive....i wish there was a section here on the forums for abuse...im puzzled why there is not...bc this isnt a thread geared for those in abusive relationships,i dont want to go into too much of the details of the abuse by him, ..just wanted to ask if any of you have experienced this and do you think it can be related to bipolar..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It could be both (the illness laced with meanness). 

I think it's inherent (abuse). It's rare they ever change. Abusers usually get worse over time.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Relationship abuse is not a characteristic of mental illness. Angry outbursts, sure. But that's different. Abusers use "lashing out" as a calculated tactic to establish and maintain power and control over their partners. It's how they "love" and unless they consciously learn otherwise, it's hard to recognize and change. With bipolar and depression, it's the result of a mood swing and while of course we're more likely to lash out at the ones we love because it's 'safer'...the outbursts are pretty likely to happen no matter who's in front of them. They're also just angry and meant to hurt, not necessarily meant to change the way you're behaving, which is what an abusive outburst is targeted to do.

I haven't ever abused or been abused in a relationship personally, I'll admit. However, I do have bipolar disorder and I did work at a domestic violence agency for 5 years and in that time, worked with just about all of our clients--victims, kids, prevention programs, abusers....either I worked in the offices that saw them, or they came through the different programs that I ran. I saw a lot of situations and a lot of individuals. 

What I saw that relates to this question though, was that the abusive behaviors could always be separated from the other things going on--mental health diagnoses, substance abuse, all of it. It was always a separate and distinct set of behaviors and attitudes that remained even when the other problems were resolved.

Have you read "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft? It might give you some good insight...


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Ladybugs said:


> for those of you who's bf/ husband has something like depression or bipolar, does he treat you badly at times and if so, do you think its bc of the illness, or bc he is just being mean?


Ladybugs, I agree with Gypsy that the behavior you described in several threads last Dec and Jan does not sound like depression or bipolar disorder traits. Rather, your BF's controlling and mean behavior sounds like strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or Narcissistic PD. I therefore will share my experiences from 15 years of taking care of my bipolar foster son and my BPDer exW. I found that there are five clear differences between the two disorders. 

One difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days.

A second difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours). A third difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action. This is significant because the angry reactions you described in other threads occurred quickly in response to something you said, which apparently triggered your BF's anger.

A fourth difference is that, whereas bipolar can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly. As Gypsy explains above, there is a big difference between the verbal abuse coming from a depressed man and that coming from a man who suddenly flips from adoring you to hating you.

Finally, a fifth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period -- even though they sometimes may claim otherwise. This lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when a person does not trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will. I mention this because the way your BF was calling you on the cellphone when you were in the bathroom for 2 minutes -- and the way he reprimanded you for leaving his side to go out to the car for your wallet -- are signs that he does not trust you -- not for five minutes, not even for two minutes.

Yet, despite these five clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. The primary source of this confusion seems to be the fact that a significant portion of BPD sufferers also have the bipolar disorder. And most of them suffer from depression as a side effect of the BPD traits. If you would like to read more about typical BPDer behavior, I suggest you start with my posts in Blacksmith's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. Take care, Ladybugs.


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