# The kids



## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

I was in the infidelity area where my husband was communicating with his ex (she lives in different country) and he did go visit his kids. He claimed he saw his ex at a distance but didn’t speak. Whatever, can’t confirm, and don’t really care.
While he was gone, I realized maybe I was hoping for something to happen so I could have a concrete reason to be done. 
I am going to be starting the divorce proceeding in the next few months, just getting ducks in a row.
There are many reasons. He’s manipulative, emotionally abusive, a ****ty parent, horrible with money, always arguing, selfish to name a few.
I’m sure he has a list of stuff I do too and maybe I’m just angry and bitter and see him as all bad.
So in the past he has had blow ups where he has freaked out in the middle of the night and threatened to leave. His outburst woke the kids and they were bawling. He has made comments about us not appreciating him so the kids are paranoid of him leaving. The robotically tell him they love him. They don’t do anything together. He offers to take them golfing but then says too windy and twists it so the almost think they don’t want to go, but then goes golfing with his friend the same day and doesn’t take them. He has convinced our oldest he’s bad luck so he doesn’t attend their sporting event because of the bad luck he brings. I love to go, it’s not that I need a break, I just think our kid would want dad their too.
He promised our oldest to be allowed to try out for an elite level of sport and tried to back out of it. We are in a huge fight about it now. It’s my fault because I didn’t correct him and put a stop when he was originally making the promise.
He promised we could get a second dog, but every time we find one, he finds a reason to let us down and say no. We look after our existing dog, walk him, feed him, train him.
He criticizes our kids for the way they walk and chew barking ‘heels’ when they walk.
He doesn’t walk with us or bike ride. He comments on our oldest’s weight in a negative way while treating with fast food and candy. He disappears downstairs after supper watching true crime and often falls asleep there.
So in a nutshell, he’s absent, critical and lies.
My kids will have high anxiety with the break up. How do I address it with them that we will be so much better off without trashing him.
I don’t want to list my complaints and trash him but how do I explain myself so they don’t hate me for breaking this up.
I am scared to tell them. I want to say your dad does nothing with us, other than not being criticized all the time, we won’t really notice he’s gone - but that’s not good for them.
If you made it through the read - can you help me?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

How old are the kids? You should consider therapy for them as well.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Let’s take a step back, and take the focus off him. how long was he gone and how were the kids during his absence? Did you notice any immediate changes in their behaviour? How did YOU feel? 

Did anyone miss him?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seems to me they already have anxiety and they'll continue to have it with him around.

Once he's gone and they have some peace it'll pass.


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

bobert said:


> How old are the kids? You should consider therapy for them as well.


They are 14 and 11


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Let’s take a step back, and take the focus off him. how long was he gone and how were the kids during his absence? Did you notice any immediate changes in their behaviour? How did YOU feel?
> 
> Did anyone miss him?


He was gone 2 weeks. I didn’t miss him and dreaded his return. Kids missed him initially. They were upset he was going for walks and bike rides with his other kids that he doesn’t do with us.
They were happy to see him but it ended in a day. There is a character in Two and a Half Men named Lydia who was really ignorant to her kids (not sure if anyone saw the show), but I overheard them talking to each other saying, ‘Lydia’s back’


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

diaryofanabusedhousewife said:


> They are 14 and 11


Yes I think I agree with counselling.


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Seems to me they already have anxiety and they'll continue to have it with him around.
> 
> Once he's gone and they have some peace it'll pass.


I truly think you are right. I just hope he doesn’t play on their anxieties.
When he came back from his trip, I realize he signed off on parental rights on his other two kids (now adults). One wanted Canadian citizenship (he’s Canadian - their mom isn’t) and it will be difficult as the birth certificate was altered and he gave up rights and she has her step dad’s name and he’s listed as her parent.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I faced a similar situation when I left my alcoholic first husband with three kids under 10yrs old...it depends on their ages, but I kept it very HIM-focused without blaming him, and I took full responsibility for leaving him.

I told them specifically that I knew he loved them the best way he knew how to love anyone, but it wasn't in a way that made it possible to live with him, because he could be mean and that wasn't ok with me. I told them we were going to love Daddy with all our hearts without living with him, and that he would always be part of our lives. He wasn't a very involved dad or husband, so it took them weeks to notice he wasn't around and to ask any questions.

Sometimes they would tell me that they missed him and loved him, and I would always agree with and support those feelings - I would say, "of course you do, he's your daddy, you will always love him and he loves you...we will go visit him as soon as we can, but not right now...do you want to write him a letter/draw him a picture?"...or some variation of that. And that seemed to satisfy them for the most part. 

If they seemed to need more discussion about it, I would talk until they seemed content with the situation by listening to their feelings and reassuring them with age-appropriate honesty and by making sure they knew I was fully aware of what was happening, and I was in control of it all, for their benefit -- "this is the choice I made because I believe it's what is best for us right now" -- and because they were little and trusted me, they accepted and felt safe with that answer...it met their needs. And I meant every word - I never lied to them at all.

At your children's ages, I would be constantly having open, honest discussions with them about their feelings and disappointments with him, and I would be trying to interpret their father's actions in a way that validated what they felt while trying to make sure they KNEW they held NO responsibility for his failings as a parent. Kids NEED that -- it's NOT their fault, it's all HIM. Kids deserve acceptance, love, and parental interest simply because they exist - children are not supposed to ever have to earn that from a parent. Their needs are supposed to be noticed and met by their parents as an automatic instinctual reaction from within the parents - it's when kids feel like their parent(s) DO NOT want to meet their needs that most emotional problems develop. So first and foremost, make sure they know YOU know that their dad is not living up to HIS responsibilities as a parent. And that it's unfortunate for them, but it's the reality, and you guys all need to figure out how you are going to deal with that.

And then I would tell them, YOU are going to make the choices you think are best for your family...and it's not going to involve living with him anymore. You are sad and disappointed too, but you believe that is the choice that will make everyone happier and healthier, and that's what matters most to you.

I don't believe they are nervous about him being gone because of any healthy attachment or loyalty they feel for him, but because they have anxious attachment to him from his erratic behavior with them, and their lack of trust makes them feel very insecure and they are trying to find some sense of control by wanting him around.

I absolutely agree that counseling for them, and maybe even for you all together, would be very helpful!!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He’s been properly diagnosed with NPD right?

I think you’re doing the right thing for you and your kids by leaving. 

Depending on the level of abuse, be prepared, all 3 of you, for some eventual depression or anxiety disorders for all 3 of you AFTER you leave. Worst-case scenario, PTSD or complete breakdowns. 

These symptoms will flare up when he is absent, and disappear during visits or contact with him. Which may get the people suffering thinking you need to be closer to him and need him back. Almost like a child-like separation anxiety. 

This means the opposite - you are actually safe when he is gone, and the body/mind is finally releasing all the fear trauma and tension. A trauma bond in a way. You’re safe to finally fear the terror. Right now, you’re purely all in survival mode. 

May not happen, especially given you’ve been supporting your kids and you haven’t thrown them under the bus. Kids in this situation fare better.


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I faced a similar situation when I left my alcoholic first husband with three kids under 10yrs old...it depends on their ages, but I kept it very HIM-focused without blaming him, and I took full responsibility for leaving him.
> 
> I told them specifically that I knew he loved them the best way he knew how to love anyone, but it wasn't in a way that made it possible to live with him, because he could be mean and that wasn't ok with me. I told them we were going to love Daddy with all our hearts without living with him, and that he would always be part of our lives. He wasn't a very involved dad or husband, so it took them weeks to notice he wasn't around and to ask any questions.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I was looking for with my main concerns. Being honest without trashing but keeping it real so I am trusted. 
He is a recovered alcoholic without having done any programs so technically a dry drunk.
Thank you so much for taking the time!


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> He’s been properly diagnosed with NPD right?
> 
> I think you’re doing the right thing for you and your kids by leaving.
> 
> ...


Yes he has. He is with a psychologist and been on wait for psychiatrist which is going to be a bit due to retirements, covid and small community, but I am done. The psychologist said he needs more help than they can offer so that’s why he’s being moved on. He thinks that’s cool.
He hasn’t chose help on his own, it was mandated through work due to an injury.
Thank you for much for explaining this, I could see myself not knowing and being confused due to conflicting feelings.


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