# frusturated



## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

Married 7 years, dated for 2. A bit of background (5 paragraphs):

After we got married, sex was good in frequency and growing in content. Then she got pregnant six months later and started backing away sexually, which I understood. I let her have space. After he was born again, very dry; but enough where she got pregnant again a year later.

Year 2, pregnant with kid 2: I was a bit more forceful asking for sex when I needed it instead of backing off like I did with pregnancy #1. But she was not afraid to say no and I took no for an answer. She caught me masturbating to very, very soft porn (the model was dressed and dancing). Lots of crying and talking and a very cold shoulder; no action for six weeks. She told me she believed masturbating is cheating. Then kid 2 arrives. After kid #2 sex was still fairly dry. I tried to spice things up with some toys, and she did respond well albeit briefly.

Fast forward to year 6. My brother committed suicide. I ran into problems not properly letting go of my emotions. I saw a therapist a few times. At the therapists' suggestion (she knew I used sex as an emotional release), I tried talking to my wife to up the frequency of sex, but my wife just gets mad, and said a mutual friend of ours was putting these ideas in my head. Things didn't change.

A good girlfriend of hers started checking up on me as she works across the street, and was worried about me. I was upfront with my wife that we'd eat lunch together every other week and talk, and she was OK with this. I started sliding downhill and got into some self-destructive behavior, however my wife did not want to acknowledge my problems. She trusted me too much. I abused alchohol, painkillers, and inflicted damage on myself. Our mutual friend and my therapist convinced me to check in to a hospital for a few days. My wife was in denial that I needed it but "do what you need to do". I am fine now, the process was cathartic and gave me an emotional release I needed and I'm much more aware now of my emotions and the need to channel them. I picked up weightlifting and it's been great in that respect.

However, after my breakdown the friendship between me and our mutual friend became an annoyance to my wife. So I backed off, although we'd still occasionally email (a few times a month mostly BSing about work). A year later, my wife logged into my email account saw one of these emails, which was completely innocent, and accused me of cheating. I convinced her it wasn't, and for my wife's sake I don't talk to this woman any longer outside of a working context.

Now, my concerns:

I've never cheated; the fact that she accused me ate me up inside. A few months later, after trying to deal with it on my own, I confronted her and told her I forgave her but I was having a hard time forgetting. She was very defensive and tried playing word games and in the end we had to agree to disagree. 

She puts all her energy into the kids and her pursuits. I do not begrudge any energy she applies to the kids and I'm glad she has pursuits she enjoys. However I never get to see any of her creative energies applied towards me. At home she's constantly in sweats, she wears sweats to bed. She never approaches me for physical contact outside the bedroom: things like hugging, kissing, cuddling, holding hands, passing touches are all initiated by me. Sex is me verbally asking permission, then laying down, fondle, and then she rolls over and "plays dead". No seduction, very little foreplay, she'll rub me but when I try to play between her legs she gets very cold. It's like I can't touch there. If I push her, she speaks in juvenile terms about her crotch being "icky" "yucky" "dirty" "smelly" even shortly after a shower. Recently I've had problems ejaculating with her, not for a lack of me trying. I do masturbate occasionally (1-2x/week) mostly to reduce her "workload", and I have no issues finishing there. I don't do it to the extent where it'd hamper our sex life. I just can't get there when she's laying there like a corpse. She is a stay at home mom and a very good mom. I just wish she would apply that same energy towards being a wife.

I will admit I slid into the beta provider role although since my brothers' suicide I've been working on these things. I weight lift as mentioned earlier, I bike 250+ miles/month year-round, I am in great shape. Over the last six months I've been working on adding the alpha back in, using Athol's blog and learning applicable bits from Roissy. It hasn't changed the relationship much, however. She doesn't respond well to negging or bumping back. She does like the decisiveness and leadership qualities.

I guess I don't really have a specific question so much as a mix of emotions, longing for more intimacy out of our relationship (in and out of the bedroom), putting in work to improve myself without seeing a parallel in her (IE, the sex rank principle that if you rise, she will want to follow), and seeing so much time and creative energy poured into other aspects of her life, with me as an afterthought. 

Thanks for listening.


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

She sounds like a b!tch.

Don't go outside the marriage for intimacy, you won't be satisfied and if you are caught your life will only get worse. Even though sex is driving the issue, I bet you want a much more intense emotional relationship with your wife as well. She's definitely "distracted" by the kids and is it possible she is afraid of getting pregnant again?


----------



## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

BigToe said:


> She sounds like a b!tch.
> 
> Don't go outside the marriage for intimacy, you won't be satisfied and if you are caught your life will only get worse. Even though sex is driving the issue, I bet you want a much more intense emotional relationship with your wife as well. She's definitely "distracted" by the kids and is it possible she is afraid of getting pregnant again?


BigToe,

I have no plans to cheat. And please don't call her a b!tch. She is my wife in the end.

I had a vasectomy after #2, more kids are a non-issue. She asked for it and after a few months with the second kid I realized I was blessed with 2 great boys and I didn't need any more. 

You are right, I want more than sex, I want an emotional connection I feel doesn't exist, and I think if that were resolved the sex would flow as a result. Part of the problem may be I am not the most outwardly emotional person. I am a good listener and I am very sympathetic/empathetic, although myself I don't show many emotions.

Thanks for your input, 

philip


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hello e.p. ~

Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? Is it possible that what your wife needs from you is different than what you are giving? Is it possible that what you need from your wife is something that she doesn't really understand (i.e., her having a disconnect with understanding the connection between men + sex = intimacy)? Look in to some of this to see if it can help you figure out some of the parts of the equation.

The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages


----------



## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hello e.p. ~
> 
> Are you familiar with the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? Is it possible that what your wife needs from you is different than what you are giving? Is it possible that what you need from your wife is something that she doesn't really understand (i.e., her having a disconnect with understanding the connection between men + sex = intimacy)? Look in to some of this to see if it can help you figure out some of the parts of the equation.
> 
> The 5 Love Languages | Five Love Languages



Enchantment,

I've never read the book but I am familiar with the concept. Mine is definitely physical touch and I've articulated it to her in several discussions over the course of our marriage. Sadly these "discussions" tend to devolve into her crying and sometimes become arguments. Sometimes I even tell her it's not about sex, if she could just sit next to me / cuddle / hug / kiss without me asking, things would improve. I'm actually a somewhat introverted person but she is the one person I'd love to have violate my personal space, sexually or otherwise. 

Her language? I think a mix of acts of service and words of affirmation. When she is gone at her activities I try and clean up something around the house, do dishes, cook something, etc. And I'm pretty good at affirmations. 

Thinking about it, in part, it has to do with her self-image or self consciousness. She dresses in sweats or baggy shorts and T shirts and I think that erodes her self image, she doesn't feel sexy, so I don't get affection from her. At times when I'm trying to talk her into something more sexy she tells me she doesn't want to look like a ****. Even when these are clothes she purchased at some point in time. She has put on some pounds but she doesn't look bad; I've never talked about her weight and always tell her I love her as she comes.

Maybe I am too compliant with her? Maybe she wants someone to be firm with her?

-e.p.


----------



## phillyds (Jun 7, 2011)

I do not know a lot the other aspects of your relationship so my opinions are just assumptions from experience. Before she got pregnant the first time, how did she feel about children? Was it something she was very excited about and could not wait to do? I am asking this because I have encountered many women like this. It seems that they are so focused on children that they behave the way they feel they "need" to and then lose all interest in everything else once they have children.

I have a friend that was obsessed with having a baby but could NOT do this without being married. She went through many failed relationships and went bankrupt taking care of a man, all to get someone to marry her. She was my best friend. She eventually married my adopted brother with severe mental issues, illerate and a history of cleptomania. After her daughter was born she had no interest in him and basically left him with no explanation. However, I remember what she wanted all of this time. I have many more examples but I am saying that it could be that her MAIN interest is being a mother and her desire to be a wife is no longer a desire.

I was also thinking about her self esteem when you mentioned that she feels icky and unclean. This may very well be it too. However, she may not know that she is not icky it could be a medical condition. There is a condition that although easy to diagnosis, is commonly missed by doctors if symptoms are not properly communicated. This is not an STD but carries a smell that sometimes only the woman notices. It does not hurt. It is a bacteria that has many causes but most women find that they get it frequently after becoming pregnant and having children. It is called bacteria vaginosis. I would think that by now it would have been detected and cured but look it up. At this point it is best for you to explore all posibilites.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds as if your wife is someone who likes to bury her head in the sand. First of all, masturbation is not cheating. Wherever she got that idea, it is just bogus. Masturbation is totally normal and healthy.

I also find it distressing that she did not want to deal with your addiction. It sounds like she wanted to pretend that everything was fine. That is BAD NEWS. 

From what I read, your wife really does not care about you or your needs. She doesn't give you sex, yet forbids you from taking care of yourself. She doesn't want to talk to you about your problems, yet she accuses you of cheating with a woman who was helping you through your addiction.

What exactly is your wife bringing to the table?

My sense is that your wife has problems dealing with intimacy. She keeps you at a distance and also does not want to confront some very real issues in your marriage.

Unless she gets therapy to figure out why she can't be a giving partner, your marriage will stay the same way it is....and you will be tempted to cheat because your needs will continue to go unnoticed.

Have you tried sitting her down and expressing your concerns?


----------



## e.p. (Jun 10, 2011)

phillyds said:


> Before she got pregnant the first time, how did she feel about children? Was it something she was very excited about and could not wait to do?


We both wanted kids at some point, and our general thoughts were earlier as opposed to later. But we weren't actively trying to get pregnant. She was on birth control, supposedly, and we used condoms during ovulation. And yet she got pregant... twice  I don't think she was using me for kids, I chalked it up to her missing pills accidentally at the time. 



phillyds said:


> ...many women like this. It seems that they are so focused on children that they behave the way they feel they "need" to and then lose all interest in everything else once they have children.


She is most definitely focused on the kids and not me. We talked a few weeks back and she was offended when I said I married her and viewed the kids as a derivative of our love; that is, our love comes first and they come second. She couldn't tell me one way or the other but I know in her heart the kids come first.

I don't begrudge my kids their mothers' love and affection. I just wish she could channel some of that energy and creativity my way at the end of the day.



phillyds said:


> I was also thinking about her self esteem ... However, she may not know that she is not icky it could be a medical condition. ... At this point it is best for you to explore all posibilites.


She gets yeast infections and UTI's frequently (several times/year). It tends to lend credence to my theory she may have hygiene issues? Or not care enough about her feminine bits to take care of them? Before we had our first son I asked she get tested for STD's for my sons' sake and she is clean.

-e.p.


----------

