# Here I go.



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

My wife of 9 years has been having an affair for 3 years now with a coworker. She travels for work, and often they travelled together. I suspected about 2.5 yrs ago, and confronted her. Since then I have been trying to find out, she has been denying and even making me feel like s for accusing. We have been in counseling for 2 years now. Finally, I found this site and got a digital recorder and put it under her seat in her car. It took 2 days. 

If you are reading this and suspect your spouse do not wait. Get the device and get it done. I only wish I had done it 2 years ago.

I just confronted her 2 nights ago. at first she denied again, then said it happened once then 10 times - the next day- 3 years!

we have 2 kids (8-4). She says she loves me, that it started as a drunk mistake then snowballed and she didn't know how to get out. She always seemed to be a very moral person. She is devastated and wants to reconcile. It is possible to reconcile after such a giant betrayal? I have spent 3 years alone, little sex, no affection, crazy with suspicion. Do I waste more time on her trying to build something from these ashes? I love my kids with all my heart. I am superdad- (coach little league- goto all their stuff- cook clean- baths...after all she travels 1-3 nights a week.)

Someone please tell me why I should stay here...for what? I used to lover her very much. I practically begged for her attention for the last few years. We have a counselor but it just seems like too big a mountain to climb. How can I ever rebuild after this?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

*What do YOU want?*


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

slater said:


> Someone please tell me why I should stay here...for what? I used to lover her very much. I practically begged for her attention for the last few years. We have a counselor but it just seems like too big a mountain to climb. How can I ever rebuild after this?


You`ll get different answers from different people.

Myself I don`t see how spending the time required to get to a place where you can live with it is worth the effort.

I look at it this way.

You`ve already spent years dealing with this, now you`ll spend years dealing with it being even worse with only a 30% chance it won`t fall apart anyway.

If you divorce and move on, think about yourself for a change, you`ll be past it and on to a new satisfying life in a much much shorter time.

Less life wasted, better odds


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

Im sorry for your hurt..i myself am living your life & pain too..my issue is this..if you are in therapy & it has not helped what will then???..
She knows darn well what she is doing & who she is hurting.do not allow her to cry her way into your decisions..she has had yrs to stop & come clean.she chose not too.this is not your fault .i wish my hubby would of done therapy.but he did the same cried,denied & etc..but let me ask you this--have you noticed any changes in her the last few days..is she trying to much to woo you..or is she showing some hasty ways..if she is being hasty towards to even the smallest hasty issue that may be from her withdrawls of her affairs coming to surface..my hubby did that to me..becuz when we blow their fantasy we are the bad guys.even if they love us they tend to show hasty attitudes towards us..im sorry to say this which i pray im wrong...but i dont believe your wife is sorry nor wants to work this out for the real reasons.if so being in therapy she would of stopped..god bless & i pray you stay strong..if need be you can chat with me if you need a friend..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It’s completely possible to rebuild your marriage, even into a much better relationship than what you have had in the past.

Why should you? One reason to give it a try is so that your children do not grow up in a broken home. Another is that when you rebuild a marriage in the right way, it can be much better than it ever was.

Either way it’s going to be hard. There is no easy path out of the hell you are in right now.

My suggestion is that you read the book “Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Harley. The books in my signature block below under building a passionate marriage are by Dr. Harley as well. But “Surviving An Affair” is the first one to read. That book is the only reason my husband and I are still together today.

Has your wife written a no contact letter to the OM (other man)? Has she ended all contact with him? Nothing can move forward until she agrees to no contact and sends the no contact letter (with you involved in the sending) to the OM. She also has to agree to 100% transparency.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I will suggest that you move on. 3 years is a long time. Divorced kids with good parenting will be fine. A broken marriage with a long term betrayal of trust will not be. Expose her to friends and family first and dump her. You can find templates for that in this site. She might well be doing it to save her face among the community. Expose the OM to his wife


> She is devastated and wants to reconcile


No, she is not. She is devastated because she is caught. Trust me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'd recommend that you make no long term decisions as to whether to R (reconcile) or D (divorce). The less pressure you put on yourself, one way or the other, the more likely you will be able to make a sound decision that you can live with.

Make sure that you maintain a working parental relationship with your wife for not matter what happens to the marriage, the two of you must work to ensure the continued well being of your children.

In the meantime, I strongly recommend that you seek professional counseling to help you heal from the ordeal of your wife's betrayal. If you feel suicidal, do not wait and seek immediate medical attention. Your well being is not the only thing that is at stake, your children's well being is at stake as well. They need you in their lives for years to come.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You don't have to rebuild crap! Your behavior seems fine to me, and you did what every healthy moral person would do.

On the other hand, is your W willing to take the steps to fix her self and find out why her moral compase and her lack of boundries prevent her from having a healthy marriage? It is her that needs to to the heavy lifting in climbing this mountain. It is her to find the tools that fix her. It is her that needs to find the help and ask for help in how to have the healthy boundries and a moral compass that will give her a healthy marriage.

Until your W can find the tools and the help for her self she will not beable to help you heal.

Maybe she quits her job and stays home? Maybe she needs to move on with out you to have another unhealthy relationship?

Bottom line here is it is her that needs to find the help to keep you and her children around! It is her that does the heavy lifting that will not only find some one to teacher to have healthy behavior and a healthy lifestyle that will nurish and healthy family , but also have a healthy life as an individual.

Its her bro....not you...she has to make the dicision to fix her moral compass before she can fix her relationship with her husband and her kids. Until then you move forward for your self and your kids.It will be up to her to make the life style changes that will keep you around...as finacially difficult it may be.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I honestly believe she wants to fix our marriage. I did have her write the NC letter and I called him and his soon to be x wife as well. She has complied with all requests. I also called all of her family immediately (that really pissed them and her off- but I told them I had a reason and that I felt it was necessary for the healing, not just to humiliate her.) I hope that I am not wrong when I say I don't believe she will contact him.
@tacoma- The time thing has been my issue as well. I am trying to determine if I want to invest more time or just start over. This would be a no brainer without the kids.

Part of me also thinks that if I could ever get past this, maybe our marriage could be amazing. 

Confused.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

slater said:


> Part of me also thinks that if I could ever get past this, maybe our marriage could be amazing.


I`m sure it is possible, some in this forum can attest to it but not for me.

I`ve never been a gambling man, especially when the stakes are so high and the odds set so firmly against winning.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

slater said:


> *I honestly believe she wants to fix our marriage.* I did have her write the NC letter and I called him and his soon to be x wife as well. She has complied with all requests. I also called all of her family immediately (that really pissed them and her off- but I told them I had a reason and that I felt it was necessary for the healing, not just to humiliate her.) I hope that I am not wrong when I say I don't believe she will contact him.
> @tacoma- The time thing has been my issue as well. I am trying to determine if I want to invest more time or just start over. This would be a no brainer without the kids.
> 
> Part of me also thinks that if I could ever get past this, maybe our marriage could be amazing.
> ...


I doubt that (the bold).

She's currently on cruise mode. When the emotions and turmoils subside, she could just as easily start another affair.

3 years is a long time in an affair, and she must have formed some strong emotional bond to the OM. It's not so easy for someone like your wife with questionable morals to just walk away from the affair.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I really think you would have to be a masochist to remain in this marriage. She was screwing her lover for 3 years and putting your health at risk for STD's for 3 years. Her comment that it was a one night drunken affair and it just snowballed for 3 years and she could not end it is absolutely ludicrous. How could you take this comment seriously is beyond me. She continued to lie to your face for 3 years. Now all of a sudden she loves you......Oh please. There is nobody as blind as someone who refuses to see. Her actions for 3 years shows she has had no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I really think you would have to be a masochist to remain in this marriage. She was screwing her lover for 3 years and putting your health at risk for STD's for 3 years. Her comment that it was a one night drunken affair and it just snowballed for 3 years and she could not end it is absolutely ludicrous. How could you take this comment seriously is beyond me. She continued to lie to your face for 3 years. Now all of a sudden she loves you......Oh please. There is nobody as blind as someone who refuses to see. Her actions for 3 years shows she has had no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


You are probably right.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

She spent 3 years deceiving,humiliating,disrespecting and making a fool of you and now suddenlly she loves you...No she doesnt love you,because when you love someone you dont do this things to him and for so long...

Her affair is/was with a coworker,so you should report it...

I don't know why are you atempting reconcilation after such a humiliation and betrayal...Please start respecting yourself and your family and file for divorce...its not worth living a miserable life by trying to reconcile....why should you spend money on MC,self help books,etc...instead its better to divorce nad spend all this money on your kids...

I have a kid and I'm divorced and my kid is great and happy as I can tell....staying for kids is the wrong reason to stay with a cheater...

Whatever you decide I wish you to succeed...

Good Luck


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I can only second the advice to take your time before the decision. At this point you are not thinking clearly, don't make rush decisions. Don't get into R just because your wife begs you to. I'm trying to R myself, but it took me over a month to figure if I really want it.. your first impulse might be to save the marriage, but you'll have your anger stage later on.

You waited for this moment of truth for 3 years, sure your WW can wait a few weeks until you make up your mind. Yes she will cry, but so what: crying for a cheating woman is as easy as taking a p*ss. Remember, she lied in your face all that time and had no problem compartmentalizing her secret life.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

slater said:


> My wife of 9 years has been having an affair for 3 years now with a coworker.


3 years is a long time to have an affair, its classified as an Long Term Affair (LTA). That means for a third of the time you've been married, she's been having sex with this OM. The longer the affair, the harder it is for the WS to get over it. 



slater said:


> She travels for work, and often they travelled together. *I suspected about 2.5 yrs ago, and confronted her*. Since then I have been trying to find out, *she has been denying and even making me feel like s for accusing*.


So for the past two and a half years, all she did was deny and blameshift, while taking the affair deeper underground.



slater said:


> We have been in counseling for 2 years now.


Now you know why counselling didn't work. MC NEVER works while one partner is in an affair. MC is for those who are in True R and the affair is over and both partners, not just the BS is committed 110% toward reconciliation. 



slater said:


> Finally, I found this site and got a digital recorder and put it under her seat in her car. It took 2 days.
> 
> If you are reading this and suspect your spouse do not wait. Get the device and get it done. I only wish I had done it 2 years ago.


Good that you found this site and learned about VARs, did you ever install the keylogger?



slater said:


> I just confronted her 2 nights ago. at first she denied again, then said it happened once then 10 times - the next day- 3 years!


Yes, they almost always give you the Trickle Truth. 3 years is a long time. She's had sex multiple times, probably more than you could ever count. You had better get yourself tested for STDs. Affair sex is almost always unprotected sex.



slater said:


> we have 2 kids (8-4). She says she loves me, that it started as a drunk mistake then snowballed and she didn't know how to get out. She always seemed to be a very moral person. *She is devastated and wants to reconcile*.


Like the others have said, she's just guilty at finally having been caught, not for the affair. She denied, took the affair underground, blame shifted, got angry when you suspected her, gave you the TT, banged this guy for 3 years. You tell me, are these the actions of someone who wants to R? No, they are the actions of a cake eater. She just wants the security of marriage, but wants to bang her OM. You're just the provider. I bet during this whole time, she was denying you sex, love, and affection, as well as neglecting her children.

If it wasn't for getting evidence on the VAR, she would still be banging the OM today. 



slater said:


> It is possible to reconcile after such a giant betrayal? I have spent 3 years alone, little sex, no affection, crazy with suspicion. Do I waste more time on her trying to build something from these ashes? I love my kids with all my heart. I am superdad- (coach little league- goto all their stuff- cook clean- baths...after all she travels 1-3 nights a week.)


Anything is possible. Others here have R'd after much worse. But everyone has their own personal deal breaker.



slater said:


> Someone please tell me why I should stay here...for what? I used to lover her very much. I practically begged for her attention for the last few years. We have a counselor but it just seems like too big a mountain to climb. How can I ever rebuild after this?


You begged her and what did you get in return? Anger, while she was off enjoying the attentions of an OM and giving him alll the love and sex that she denied to you. 

Of course now that you have the evidence in hand and ready to end the marriage is when she suddenly appears devastated and wants R. Not before, right?

Its up to you and what you want. Don't decide just yet. Go ahead and file for D, you can always put it on hold or cancel it if you change your mind later on. But the R route is extremely difficult. The mind movies from an 3 year LTA would be mind boggling because she gave him the best of herself, mind, body, and soul. Its up to you.

You didn't give up your sources (VAR) when you confronted, did you? For an affair that lasted this long (3 years), both of them are going to have a hard time letting go. He will most likely remain in her heart the rest of her life. That's something you will have to deal with. One or both of them will also likely "fish" for renewed contact. This can be something as simple as "How are you?", "Are you okay?", "Missed you?", etc, etc. If they reconnect, they will take it further underground. Are you prepared to deal with this?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I really think you would have to be a masochist to remain in this marriage. She was screwing her lover for 3 years and putting your health at risk for STD's for 3 years. Her comment that it was a one night drunken affair and it just snowballed for 3 years and she could not end it is absolutely ludicrous. How could you take this comment seriously is beyond me. She continued to lie to your face for 3 years. Now all of a sudden she loves you......Oh please. There is nobody as blind as someone who refuses to see. Her actions for 3 years shows she has had no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


I agree on this when,especily when aded this 
*have spent 3 years alone, little sex, no affection, crazy with suspicion.* top of it.

Diden´t know how to stop it??? Sheesh.

Im insulted by that statement on a human level


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

You're a cuckold, bud!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A three year affair implies she will be high on the affair drug . I agree with the other posters that it is to soon to agree to R or D . 

Has she left her job , R is not possible as long as they work in close proximity or have a means to contact each other, even your wife seeing his car will cause her to waver. I have previousely had waywards write a letter of apology to the other BS , this is one more step to help shut the affair down . Ask her for as much detail as you wish to hear , reserve a few hours a week for this discussion and ask her to be totally honest with you. If you so choose share this information with the OM's wife , she may help close any gaps or assist in verifying your wife is being truthful .

As far as her family are concerned if they do not support you or your marriage, isolate them . 

Do not go back to MC until you are assured she has finished the affair and you can evidence it.

What your wife will be missing is guidance on what steps to take to assure you of her remorse and willingness to remain in the marriage. Let her know she has to evedence her love for you every day by her words and actions. 

Start by both of you reading "his needs her needs" by Harley. 

Go to IC , this is to help you overcome the rollercoaster of emotions you are yet to experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Brw : your wife revealing all and throwing the OM under the bus will go a long way to help you heal . Let her know that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> You're a cuckold, bud!


No reason to suger coat thing´s


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

slater said:


> I love my kids with all my heart. I am superdad- (coach little league- goto all their stuff- cook clean- baths...after all she travels 1-3 nights a week.)


Are you a Stay At Home Dad (SAHD), or do you do this on top of having a career? Because at the VERY MINIMUM, she has to leave this job immediately since they're coworkers. That's IF you want to someday R. If not, then do not pass go and head directly to D.

Now I know I said take your time to decide, but that's usually for people who have just found out and the A didn't last that long. You've been suffering for the past 3 years (?). And I would question if it was only for 3 years, possibly it was even longer than that or there were other affairs that you didn't even know about.

It seems you were only the babysitter to her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> I agree on this when,especily when aded this
> *have spent 3 years alone, little sex, no affection, crazy with suspicion.* top of it.
> 
> Diden´t know how to stop it??? Sheesh.
> ...


I know, it's insulting. There was a member here before who thought his WW had been cheating for 8 years, then he found out it was actually 14 years and the OM was the father of their 12 year old daughter. To top that off, that was only OM#3. The WW had cheated with OM#1 in the first year of his marriage, then with OM#2, then the LTA with OM#3. WW claimed she only had sex with OM#3 once a month and it was not that good and that OM#3 had taken advantage of her. Even at 1 time a month, you realize how many times they had sex over a 14 year period?

Even in this case, 3 years equals how many times they've had sex? That means every holiday, occasion, and event is now tainted. The eldest here is 8 years old, so she started cheating when the child was in kindergarten or before!

Its insulting to think that she couldn't stop it.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I get it I am an idiot. He left the company last year. I feel worse every day.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

3 years? First you need to check the DNA on your kids, unless they look like you (I'd still do it). Not that you would do anything with the info. You don't know who your dealing with. She is not the person you think you married.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Makes me wonder if the reason why OM has a stbx is because of the affair with OP's wife.

OP--take some time before deciding if you are unsure. Definitely get into counselling. If you decide to give her another chance, hard boundaries & consequences are the only option that should be on the table.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know that she will have to stop travelling as well don't you? There is no way you would be able to trust that she isn't using those nights to continue this affair or another one. 

So a consequence for her is that she must change her job to one without travel.

Yes, it will hurt financially. Yes, it will hurt her career. But which does she choose - being faithful and her family - or her career and the freedom to cheat.

Obviously she can't be trusted. She could have come clean or ended it years ago when you first confronted her. Instead she lied to you, cut you off from sex, and put her energy into him.

btw - get an STD test for both of you.

btw - get her to take a polygraph on the trust

btw - get a DNA test on your kids.

Him getting divorced means he's going to even more available pursue your wife. What is she going to do about that?

Have you talked the OMW ? She might be able to tell you more of the truth than you know now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

slater said:


> I get it I am an idiot. He left the company last year. I feel worse every day.


no, you're not an idiot, you're in shock and you're scared and you're desperately grabbing at whatever you can to gain control (but that's not control, you're in panic mode). You aren't the first and you won't be the last to react this way, many of the people here saying this went through the same feelings and reacted just like you. The advice given here is trying to make you see things that you aren't allowing yourself to accept (denial is part of the grief process). Please read the newbie link in my signature as it especially applies towards your situation.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

slater said:


> My wife of 9 years has been having an affair for 3 years now with a coworker. She travels for work, and often they travelled together. I suspected about 2.5 yrs ago, and confronted her. Since then I have been trying to find out, she has been denying and even making me feel like s for accusing. We have been in counseling for 2 years now. Finally, I found this site and got a digital recorder and put it under her seat in her car. It took 2 days.
> 
> If you are reading this and suspect your spouse do not wait. Get the device and get it done. I only wish I had done it 2 years ago.
> 
> ...


 
If my husband traveled with a co-worker for the past two years and I've suspected for the past two years, asked but he denied, went to counseling for the past two years- when in actuality he has been doing the co-worker while we've been in counseling all this time?????? HOW CAN I EVER REBUILD AFTER finding out the affair started as a drunk mistake and then "SNOWBALLED"?. You said you've spent three years with lil sex but she has been getting PLENTY leaving you deprived while you're at home doing all the work being superdad. 
No I could not rebuild anything. I would have no reason to. My husband could not possibly love me if he did that to me. 

He wouldn't touch this size four body ever again unless it involves taking his child out of my arms because she feel asleep on his return or pick up for visitation.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

we are in counseling- I am individually as well. I am scheduled to get STD tests. I did talk with OMW. 

The OM tried to contact her today- I answers phone. She called him back and left NC voicemail. He will continue to reach out. We have discussed it. She seems committed to to NC


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you're going to try R then block his number, if he continues to harass after no contact letter was sent then get a lawyer and look for RO


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

slater said:


> we are in counseling- I am individually as well. I am scheduled to get STD tests. I did talk with OMW.
> 
> The OM tried to contact her today- I answers phone. She called him back and left NC voicemail. He will continue to reach out. We have discussed it. She seems committed to to NC


 
*She called him back in front of you?*


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

slater said:


> She is devastated and wants to reconcile.


She is devastated???? A moral person, too???

No, absolutely not. After three years ... I repeat .... three years of having sex with him, she is just really good at mimicking the behaviors of a devastated person. Do you understand the meaning of devastated? It denotes extreme regret or hurt over her actions. Now, if she really made the moral connection that this was a betrayal, the devastation would have occurred when she realized that she had destroyed a cherished bond with you by sleeping with another man the first time. Lying to you 2.5 years ago might have nudged her closer to devastation if she actually realized how bad it was. Instead, she repeated that same betrayal over and over and over and over again, and miraculously stopped on her own, declaring her love for you. Oh, sorry, that was another post. But she did give you total honesty when you had proof. Oh, wait, ... okay, after you didn't buy in to her lie after a few attempts, then the thunderous devastation set in. There is a pretty good chance that the more apt expression is that she is disappointed that she finally got caught.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

slater said:


> we are in counseling- I am individually as well. I am scheduled to get STD tests. I did talk with OMW.
> 
> The OM tried to contact her today- I answers phone. She called him back and left NC voicemail. He will continue to reach out. We have discussed it. She seems committed to to NC


As suggested before :she has a legalise type letter written and signed by her that states if he contacts her again she will take legal action , if he does call her again file a harrassment charge, the letter should be sent such that he has to sign for it . Again this action from her helps burn the affair bridge, and sends a message to the OM . 

Take this one day at a time, baby steps . Verify everything she does and over time you may begin to trust her.

Go to a doctor and ask for some help, the full impact of her affair is yet to hit you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Why has she not changed her number ? if it is a company phone she can ask them to change it and block his number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Per you, she wants to reconcile. She has had at least a 3 year affair, had little or no sex with you and now that she has been caught she wants to reconcile.

Need to get a polygraph to find out the true length of the affair and if there were others.

She is in the "Recover Phase" Sorry that she did it to you, knows that she has possibly thrown it all away and is trying to Recover. Please note she really has not decided to do the work to Recover because she does not know how much work it will be, once she finds out she may not want to do it or the other is You drove me to the affair because you were " Add the Reason"

You need to step back get the Polygraph, review all the information and then make a decision.

Good Luck


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I know, it's insulting. There was a member here before who thought his WW had been cheating for 8 years, then he found out it was actually 14 years and the OM was the father of their 12 year old daughter. To top that off, that was only OM#3. The WW had cheated with OM#1 in the first year of his marriage, then with OM#2, then the LTA with OM#3. WW claimed she only had sex with OM#3 once a month and it was not that good and that OM#3 had taken advantage of her. Even at 1 time a month, you realize how many times they had sex over a 14 year period?
> 
> Even in this case, 3 years equals how many times they've had sex? That means every holiday, occasion, and event is now tainted. The eldest here is 8 years old, so she started cheating when the child was in kindergarten or before!
> 
> Its insulting to think that she couldn't stop it.


Holly sh....t :wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf::wtf: im afraid to even ask what mental disorder. She might have...

personally i really dont care, WTF.Psych professional´s way.
What rational , or WFT explination´ they give.

Because i will never know..

Look 3y affair
Husband confront, his suspicion´s
Wife.For the sake to remove suspeision´s and to get him to back .
So she enter´s MC for 2 years.
So she can Keep up the affair.
Whit hold´s sex to hur husband.

Its "almost" like she dident wanna cheat whit OM.wtf:

BTW Do/any have information, that husband??
Is he ok?

HOLY crap


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry for your situation.She's had at least 3 years,that you know of,practicing the art of ultimate deception on you and your marriage.How you can now ever believe a single word that comes out of her mouth,even with a polygraph is beyond me.Besides can a polygraph even give you an inkling of whether or not she's even truly remorseful for what she's done to you or for what she's losing with OM.Hope you find the direction YOU want to go in to be happy father and man.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

I´m strongly suspect. It wont matter in the, what we say..


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Denying you intimacy for 3 years while simultaneously screwing another man behind your back? kids or no kids this marriage is over. I don't understand how you can be so accommodating.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> You begged her and what did you get in return? Anger, while she was off enjoying the attentions of an OM and giving him alll the love and sex that she denied to you.


Slater - read this quote over and over. She didn't just lie, humiliate, degrade, disrespect, and enganger you; she didn't just put herself before her family; she wan't just dishonest; she stole 3 years of your life. Years you could have spent with someone you loved who is also in love with you. You may think she loves you because of what she says or does; but would she have done those things if she had not gotten caught? 

Think about what love means to you - would you do this to someone you "loved"; crush them so you could have sex with another person. If she came clean before getting caught it would be one thing . . .

I say this because I am struggling with a stereotypical low drive spouse who has rejected me for years and I have degraded myself into accepting her crumbs. I realized what was going on and got her to see what was happening. If I found out that she was giving someone what she was denying me (love/emotional connection/stability) I would absolutely and immediately leave. She is an amazing mother and we are perfect for eachother in every other regard, but I cannot abide such intentional cruelty. The way I always picture it is "what if one of my son's (6 and 7) eventual spouses began to treat them how I was treated?" Step outside yourself and reclaim your dignity (not pride).


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I want to show her these posts. Is that a bad idea? Will it help her see what rational people who have been here before are thinking?


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

I don't know about showing her the posts BUT I did show my husband some of the advice printed from this site about what a WS should do to help the BS and he seemed to understand a little more what I'm dealing with and what I need at this moment from him.


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## inmygut (Apr 2, 2011)

slater said:


> I want to show her these posts. Is that a bad idea? Will it help her see what rational people who have been here before are thinking?


Horrible idea. You need to have the words and actions come from you, not pointing to a page and saying "look what these other people say". Dust off the [email protected] and use them in interacting with her.

Also- If she knows you are going to this forum, she can use the words you post to manipulate you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

slater said:


> I want to show her these posts. Is that a bad idea? Will it help her see what rational people who have been here before are thinking?


It likely won't do any good. She'll dismiss it as a bunch of internet idiots and she'll get defensive.

It will also cut off your channel for getting advice without her joining in an twisting the conversation.

You are going to need a lot of advice for a while to get through her cheating. You may think you are now in recovery phase and it's about rebuilding and forgiving, but you're not there yet.

A person doesn't engage in an long term love affair and long term cheating and then suddenly walk away and return to the marriage.

Oh, she might be saying the right things etc. but that's just short term reaction to finally getting caught in her lies. She's playing nice because she feels cornered. Once the dust settles she'll return to being the same person in the same life situation that felt justified in cheating.

When that happens she will return to cheating unless between now and then you are successful in changing her attitude, your relationship, and the marriage.

This is why rug sweeping is ultimately a killer to the marriage with a cheater. It deals with the immediate issue - but it doesn't do anything about what led her to justify the affair and do it in the first place.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Going back to her and consequences and changes needed to prevent her going back to cheating:

1. Has she stopped travelling for work? It was her being away from the marriage that made cheating possible and even convenient - So a logical consequence is that it must stop.

2. Have you has her and you get an STD test?

3. Have you had her take a polygraph to see if this is the only guy, if it has stopped, and how long it really went on for

4. DNA test on at least your youngest. She claims it was only 3 years, but that could be a calculated lie to hide who the kids father really might be.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

aug said:


> I doubt that (the bold).
> 
> She's currently on cruise mode. When the emotions and turmoils subside, she could just as easily start another affair.
> 
> 3 years is a long time in an affair, and she must have formed some strong emotional bond to the OM. It's not so easy for someone like your wife with questionable morals to just walk away from the affair.


Affairs don't usually last three years. She has probably been done with the OM for quite awhile and has just been cruising.along on inertia. When caught the damn broke on the guilt.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

shaylady said:


> *She called him back in front of you?*


:iagree:

WTF? First time the OM cast out his lure to fish and she bit right away.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Slater keep in mind that your wife had - for one third of the life of the marriage - a double life in which she was giving the OM what she should been giving you, her husband. This could have continued for years IF you had not caught her with the VAR. 

At this moment, your wife has issues that make her unsuitable to be married to ANY man. Issues that may require years to resolve through professional therapy. And unless the two of you are willing to play inmate and guard for years to come, you have a very daunting task ahead of you.

Love is not enough to marry or continue in a marriage. Trust and respect are essential as well. If any or more of those 3 are missing, then the marriage is dead.

Divorce or reconcile, you choose, but you'd be wise if you prepare yourself for the possibility of a divorce for the sooner you draw a contingency plan for it, the better.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Slater,

My wife had 3 affairs over a 6 year period before I finally had definite proof and confronted. I too suspected early on and confronted without proof and it just got buried with more lies. 

From what you have written and my own experience, when the damn broke and you had concrete proof and she finally admitted to the affair for years on end...

1) Your wife was completely broken (mine too), 
2) Now professes her love for you,
3) Pleads for mercy,
4) Immediately, without prodding, willing to go NC,
5) Wants counseling,
6) Begs for R, will do whatever
7) Blah, Blah, Blah,

Now here's the question for you and me, WTF!

15 minutes prior to getting caught, was in love with OM, secretly planning their next Hotel No-Tell for sex and pleasure together. In my wife's case, she was planning her escape to build a new thrilling life. 

Wrestle that one for the next 2-5 years it takes (the experts) to recover from the horrible betrayal that you get to re-live every minute of your life forever and ever.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> In my wife's case, she was planning her escape to build a new thrilling life.
> 
> Wrestle that one for the next 2-5 years it takes (the experts) to recover from the horrible betrayal that you get to re-live every minute of your life forever and ever.


Jeez that sounds so familiar. I found my fWW searched for info about renewing her passport (expired) and ways to immigrate to Canada where OM is. All over a guy she hadn't been with in person in over 25 years just because he knows how to bullsh!t over the phone.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I think the advice to do nothing at the moment is good advice. You are in shock and denial. Even with a fully committed R how are you going to get past the fact it went on for all that time and the only reason it stopped was because you caught her?
I understand that you are a committed Dad. Me too. Someone close to be said " You still have your family . It is a family of three"
The big problem with this is that you will lose the kids about half the time. 
This never gets better. 
Divorce sets this in stone.
Take your time. Be selfish about you and and your kids needs. 
No need to rush.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I will quate a replay from a cheater wife caught. She is hanging with her husband for financial reasons and security. I dont know why these BS dont have self esteem, self respect and dignity


Re: The day after D day... Reality sets in, and questions
by IfIKnew » January 31st, 2012, 1:51 am 
Great advice all around. Things are in limbo. H desperately wants to save the M. But he's been over the top with his excessive I love yous and has been acting super sensitive to my feelings in a way he is not. Also, he told me the A was ALL his fault. so it go over too well. He did admit to knowing he hasn't given me what I have need in the M for YEARS. So why, if he knew how unhappy I was, did he not give it to me is a mystery. I just can't see how a reconciliation is feasible.. Not to mention the fact My heart is not exactly in it. OM and I went out Fri. Like really went out, in public, with friends, arrived together... It was great. And the sleepover that followed was even better it's awesome to sleep in his arms and wake up together. Repeat scheduled for tomorrow. Not sure it even counts as an A anymore, since it's common knowledge. Although we are still being cautious, taking things slow, and attempting to be discreet (not our strong suit). I am happy when we are together, but I'm realistic about the situation. It's still very new. I am somehow unable to burn the bridge between H and I completely. And THAT makes me feel like a complete ass.
As far as OM is concerned. I like him no doubt. I love having sex with him, and in freedom, *am sure we will explore further possibilities*. A ON FACEBOOK . So obviously his friends and family hate me now



*Is this your wife? smells similar to your wife. *


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

RWB said:


> Slater,
> 
> My wife had 3 affairs over a 6 year period before I finally had definite proof and confronted. I too suspected early on and confronted without proof and it just got buried with more lies.
> 
> ...


Clicked "like"...not because I do...just because I agree. Unfortunately because of experience! Good luck, you will need it...do not blame shift or rug sweep!


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