# Caught H with Porn...



## thetiredmommy

This is kinda embarrassing, but a few weeks ago, I found porn on the iPad. I guess he was viewing porn and forgot to close the window. I brought it to his attention and I was really upset. I asked if he watches porn, and he said every once in a while. I watched a little to see what he was into and it was this girl with a big butt and there was oral and anal and regular sex. This is really upsetting, but I don't know if I need to bring it up again.


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## PBear

Ok. He doesn't necessarily have an addiction to porn, you know? And many people watch porn. It's not (by itself) the end of the world. 

How's your sex life in general? More importantly, what does HE think about your sex life?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

And had you two ever talked about porn in the past? Abou what's acceptable and what's not?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020

Overall, do you believe he is overall happy with the physical part of your marriage? 

Is he the higher drive spouse, or the lower drive spouse? 





thetiredmommy said:


> This is kinda embarrassing, but a few weeks ago, I found porn on the iPad. I guess he was viewing porn and forgot to close the window. I brought it to his attention and I was really upset. I asked if he watches porn, and he said every once in a while. I watched a little to see what he was into and it was this girl with a big butt and there was oral and anal and regular sex. This is really upsetting, but I don't know if I need to bring it up again.


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## lifeistooshort

In general I don't think porn is good for a marriage unless both parties are on the same page about it but I really don't see the big deal here. But I agree with the others that the firstthing is to consider whether your current sex life is reasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Btw, this has "control issues" written all over it...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thetiredmommy

PBear said:


> Ok. He doesn't necessarily have an addiction to porn, you know? And many people watch porn. It's not (by itself) the end of the world.
> 
> How's your sex life in general? More importantly, what does HE think about your sex life?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well I understand he might not be happy with it, but it is getting better. We hit our low point after the baby. I had no desire for sex whatsoever, so I asked him to be patient until it came back. I know that part was hardest for him because we didn't have sex for about a year. But it slowly came back. We were at about once a month for a while, but I'd say we're at about twice a month now, give or take. The hardest part is that I have really bad PMS and periods, so I can't always have sex.


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## thetiredmommy

MEM11363 said:


> Overall, do you believe he is overall happy with the physical part of your marriage?
> 
> Is he the higher drive spouse, or the lower drive spouse?


He is definitely the higher drive spouse. Sometimes we joke that he's an addict...


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## PBear

No offense, but your expectations are totally whacked, IMHO. You don't want to have sex with him, but you don't want him to take care of his own urges? And your "baby" is 4, if I remember correctly... That was a long time ago. 

How often did you have sex while dating? Before the child? How old are you two? Are you open to new things? When's the last time you gave him a BJ when you knew he wanted some relief but you weren't feeling like having sex?

I'm not trying to be harsh or blame you for everything... But you indicated in your other thread that he does a good job of meeting your needs, right? If not, what's he NOT doing that you need?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

No sex in a year, then once a month, now twice a month.....that's a sexless marriage basically. Would it be upsetting if you found out husband masterbated?


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## richie33

thetiredmommy said:


> He is definitely the higher drive spouse. Sometimes we joke that he's an addict...


Addict? You can't be serious.


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## MEM2020

Tired,

You know what. I like you. You - umm - need some help. But we will help you. 

You are remarkably honest. This is very helpful.

The only way you can understand how he feels - would be to get a couple testosterone injections from your doctor. You would think about sex constantly. 

I ABSOLUTELY don't believe you should have sex that feels bad/ wrong or forced. 

And I am convinced that you have responsive desire. And that means you and he need to teach each other how to gently get you in the mood in a way that feels nice for you. 

I don't believe you realize how big a sacrifice it is for a young healthy, fit man to have sex so infrequently. 

He is too kind to complain. And he may accept it. But he does not like this low level of activity. 

If you teach each other to work with your responsive desire, you will have much more sex and YOU will enjoy it. He will also, but the main thing is it will be good for you. 




thetiredmommy said:


> He is definitely the higher drive spouse. Sometimes we joke that he's an addict...


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## MEM2020

This is a healthy thing. You have a light, humorous tone wi each other's different drives. 

That's positive. 

You and I both know that you and he both know that he isn't an addict. This terminology is simply an example of him putting you first. 

He puts you first by letting this be about his drive being too high, not yours being to low. He is freeing you from feeling guilty. 

Your depiction of your H continues to impress. 

BTW: an average healthy man in his late twenties early thirties wants sex every single day. 

If the two of you get good at working with your responsive desire, you might end up having a much happier marriage. 






thetiredmommy said:


> He is definitely the higher drive spouse. Sometimes we joke that he's an addict...


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## norajane

thetiredmommy said:


> Well I understand he might not be happy with it, but it is getting better. We hit our low point after the baby. I had no desire for sex whatsoever, so I asked him to be patient until it came back. I know that part was hardest for him because we didn't have sex for about a year. But it slowly came back. We were at about once a month for a while, but I'd say we're at about twice a month now, give or take. The hardest part is that I have really bad PMS and periods, so I can't always have sex.


This is exactly why he is looking at porn and masturbating. 

More importantly, with so little sex, he is likely feeling like you don't desire HIM (instead of not desiring sex). That can be crushing to men, and to women, with partners who aren't interested in having sex.

Please do some reading of the threads in the Sex in Marriage section, and you will see exactly how crushing that is for both men and women. It would be wise to understand how your husband might be feeling neglected and unloved because you don't want to have sex with him.


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## Vivid

No sex for a year? Sex twice a month? 

You should be glad he's only using porn frankly


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## thetiredmommy

norajane said:


> This is exactly why he is looking at porn and masturbating.
> 
> More importantly, with so little sex, he is likely feeling like you don't desire HIM (instead of not desiring sex). That can be crushing to men, and to women, with partners who aren't interested in having sex.
> 
> Please do some reading of the threads in the Sex in Marriage section, and you will see exactly how crushing that is for both men and women. It would be wise to understand how your husband might be feeling neglected and unloved because you don't want to have sex with him.


I know. During that year, I told him that it wasn't about not desiring him, but just that my body was overworked and touched out from nursing. I just asked him to be patient and he was very supportive.


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## richie33

How were you supportive of him?


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## thetiredmommy

richie33 said:


> How were you supportive of him?


I was being supportive by being the best mother to his child while he was working. I had to nurse our baby round the clock.


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## richie33

Isn't your child 4? How are you sexually supportive of your husband?


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Another way to be supportive, when he's showering, reach thru the curtain & give him a hand job. 5 minutes will put a smile on his face for the rest of the day. He knows what your dealing with regarding the kids, doesn't want to keep pushing for sex, but the pressure keeps building. Masturbation & porn don't hold a candle to a surprise hand job in the shower.


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## thetiredmommy

richie33 said:


> Isn't your child 4? How are you sexually supportive of your husband?


I've been getting my sex drive back and we're having sex more often than before, almost to before we were married. He could always have more sex, I'm sure, but isn't that the old saying about men and women?


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## thetiredmommy

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Another way to be supportive, when he's showering, reach thru the curtain & give him a hand job. 5 minutes will put a smile on his face for the rest of the day. He knows what your dealing with regarding the kids, doesn't want to keep pushing for sex, but the pressure keeps building. Masturbation & porn don't hold a candle to a surprise hand job in the shower.


I don't know...I don't get anything out of giving him a hand job or blowjob till completion. He's expressed that he's wanted that, but it feels selfish and puts me in a subservient position.


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## richie33

It's selfish to be in a sexless marriage. 2 x times a month is a sexless marriage.


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## Vivid

You have one child who is four years old.

You're not a good wife. Dress it up however you want. A good spouse is giving, loving and unselfish. Having sex once or twice a month, whinging about porn and refusing to give oral or manual sex is none of those things.

But yeah, it's really on your husband for putting up with it. I'd be getting ready to walk if I were him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

thetiredmommy said:


> I don't know...I don't get anything out of giving him a hand job or blowjob till completion. He's expressed that he's wanted that, but it feels selfish and puts me in a subservient position.


Think of it as a GIFT. A way of saying, "Honey, thanks for helping with the kids & being a supportive husband" Does he go out of his way to make you feel special? If so, he's already asked, make him feel special.

For a lot of men, it's not JUST sex, it's a incredible bonding experience. On the rare occasion that my wife used to initiate, when we were done, I was ready to turn Mt. Everest into a pile of gravel if that's what my wife wanted.

ps - check out forgivenwife.com

Articles are written by a woman that came to realize how much pain and strife she was injecting into her marriage by willfully withholding intimacy from her husband. After she changed, her marriage got better than she ever imagined.


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## MEM2020

He spends most of his time serving you. 

And yet you are worried about being in a subservient position?

This is separate from your anxiety disorder. This is a huge issue. 

Doing nice things for you, makes him happy. 

But in reverse you are worried about being subservient? 

You need to start putting him first. Because it's the right thing to do. 




QUOTE=thetiredmommy;10344202]I don't know...I don't get anything out of giving him a hand job or blowjob till completion. He's expressed that he's wanted that, but it feels selfish and puts me in a subservient position.[/QUOTE]


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## thetiredmommy

MEM11363 said:


> He spends most of his time serving you.
> 
> And yet you are worried about being in a subservient position?
> 
> This is separate from your anxiety disorder. This is a huge issue.
> 
> Doing nice things for you, makes him happy.
> 
> But in reverse you are worried about being subservient?
> 
> You need to start putting him first. Because it's the right thing to do.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> QUOTE=thetiredmommy;10344202]I don't know...I don't get anything out of giving him a hand job or blowjob till completion. He's expressed that he's wanted that, but it feels selfish and puts me in a subservient position.


[/QUOTE]
Well for now I might surprise him with a bj before sex...


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## WorkingOnMe

This is another reason he wants to get in shape. He's trying to attract you. Of course that hasn't worked. I wonder what plan B will be.


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## CardReader

My personal rule for myself is to give Mr. CR a BJ at least 5 times a week. He will also get a BJ if I'm not in the mood for sex that day too.

It's important that I take care of his needs. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate because he has no reason to.


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## thetiredmommy

CardReader said:


> My personal rule for myself is to give Mr. CR a BJ at least 5 times a week. He will also get a BJ if I'm not in the mood for sex that day too.
> 
> It's important that I take care of his needs. He doesn't watch porn or masturbate because he has no reason to.


Why do you do that? Isn't it difficult or uncomfortable to do that so often? does he do the same for you?


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## CardReader

*Re: Re: Caught H with Porn...*



thetiredmommy said:


> Why do you do that? Isn't it difficult or uncomfortable to do that so often? does he do the same for you?


I do that to keep him happy, even when I don't feel in the mood for it. If I am not already horny, midway through I definetly end enjoying myself anyways. I think it's worth it. I'd be upset if he was watching porn, so I give him a reason not to by making sure he's sexually satisfied. In that way, other than it sexually arouses me too, I benefit from it. 

It's not difficult or uncomfortable for me physically. I can see if someone had jaw issues that would be harder to do but I am okay on that front. You don't have to go all the way down if it's too uncomfortable for you. But on that note, practice makes perfect lol. 

I defintely give way more oral than he gives me. Oral is great but I wont orgasm from it, so it's just foreplay for me. I'd rather have something else, which he does plenty of that. Does he not do it back when you give it to him? If that's a problem, let him know. I'm sure if you said you'd give him more BJs if he gave you oral too, he'd probably get motivated to give you some. Or do 69, so both of you are getting something out of it.

Giving oral is Not being subservient. It's about making your partner feel good. That's a part of being a loving, caring wife too.


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## thetiredmommy

CardReader said:


> thetiredmommy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why do you do that? Isn't it difficult or uncomfortable to do that so often? does he do the same for you?
> 
> 
> 
> I do that to keep him happy, even when I don't feel in the mood for it. If I am not already horny, midway through I definetly end enjoying myself anyways. I think it's worth it. I'd be upset if he was watching porn, so I give him a reason not to by making sure he's sexually satisfied. In that way, other than it sexually arouses me too, I benefit from it.
> 
> It's not difficult or uncomfortable for me physically. I can see if someone had jaw issues that would be harder to do but I am okay on that front. You don't have to go all the way down if it's too uncomfortable for you. But on that note, practice makes perfect lol.
> 
> I defintely give way more oral than he gives me. Oral is great but I wont orgasm from it, so it's just foreplay for me. I'd rather have something else, which he does plenty of that. Does he not do it back when you give it to him? If that's a problem, let him know. I'm sure if you said you'd give him more BJs if he gave you oral too, he'd probably get motivated to give you some. Or do 69, so both of you are getting something out of it.
> 
> Giving oral is Not being subservient. It's about making your partner feel good. That's a part of being a loving, caring wife too.
Click to expand...

I don't like oral on me because I think it's gross so I'm not a fan 69 either. I think it's animalistic.


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## thetiredmommy

thetiredmommy said:


> CardReader said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thetiredmommy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Why do you do that? Isn't it difficult or uncomfortable to do that so often? does he do the same for you?
> 
> 
> 
> I do that to keep him happy, even when I don't feel in the mood for it. If I am not already horny, midway through I definetly end enjoying myself anyways. I think it's worth it. I'd be upset if he was watching porn, so I give him a reason not to by making sure he's sexually satisfied. In that way, other than it sexually arouses me too, I benefit from it.
> 
> It's not difficult or uncomfortable for me physically. I can see if someone had jaw issues that would be harder to do but I am okay on that front. You don't have to go all the way down if it's too uncomfortable for you. But on that note, practice makes perfect lol.
> 
> I defintely give way more oral than he gives me. Oral is great but I wont orgasm from it, so it's just foreplay for me. I'd rather have something else, which he does plenty of that. Does he not do it back when you give it to him? If that's a problem, let him know. I'm sure if you said you'd give him more BJs if he gave you oral too, he'd probably get motivated to give you some. Or do 69, so both of you are getting something out of it.
> 
> Giving oral is Not being subservient. It's about making your partner feel good. That's a part of being a loving, caring wife too.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> I don't like oral on me because I think it's gross so I'm not a fan 69 either. I think it's animalistic.
Click to expand...

So I don't like him watching porn but if I'm not in the mood he can masturbate.


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## MEM2020

That sounds very loving. 

And he will perceive it as such, not as an act of subservience. 

Just as you experience his acts of service and kindness as loving and not subservient behavior. 

That said, your mission should you choose to accept it, is to teach him how to get you in the mood when you are feeling totally neutral about sex. 

I would say, that one of the greatest acts of love that M2 has shown me in our marriage, has been her consistent willingness to get in bed and relax and let me get her in the mood. 

And yes, in the beginning she taught me how to do that, and I was an apt student, but the truth is that if she hadn't done so, we would have had a very poor sex life. 

Just for contrast, it was good enough that with a 4 year old at home, we were having sex 20 times a month and M2 was happy with that frequency. 

As for what she got out of that: her needs came first outside the bedroom, total loyalty, commitment, support and an H who walked around in good spirits most of the time. 

And most important the feeling of knowing she was a great wife. 

And yes - there are many aspects to being a great wife. But wife is different than mother. Wife is about how you treat your H. Not how you treat his child. And if you ask any man, he will tell you that you can only be a great wife, if you are at least good about taking care of him sexually. It is that important. 



Well for now I might surprise him with a bj before sex...[/QUOTE]


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## MEM2020

That is not how this works. 

The way it works is simple. If you place a very high priority on your marital sex life, you can weigh in on whether he uses porn. But if you treat sex as a low priority, you don't have the right to comment on his porn use. 

He may not go head to head against you and your mother on this topic, he will just hide it. 

To have sex once a month and complain about porn is the height of selfishness. 





thetiredmommy said:


> So I don't like him watching porn but if I'm not in the mood he can masturbate.


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## PBear

thetiredmommy said:


> So I don't like him watching porn but if I'm not in the mood he can masturbate.


So now you want to control who he fantasizes about when he's not getting sex from you? Do you really want him thinking about the barista at Starbucks he sees every day? His coworker who flirts with him? Your sister?

You have real issues, and it's good that you're asking questions now. But you need to learn a lot about men and relationships. Quickly. 

C


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## thetiredmommy

PBear said:


> thetiredmommy said:
> 
> 
> 
> So I don't like him watching porn but if I'm not in the mood he can masturbate.
> 
> 
> 
> So now you want to control who he fantasizes about when he's not getting sex from you? Do you really want him thinking about the barista at Starbucks he sees every day? His coworker who flirts with him? Your sister?
> 
> You have real issues, and it's good that you're asking questions now. But you need to learn a lot about men and relationships. Quickly.
> 
> C
Click to expand...

Yes maybe but I'm not just a vessel for his sexual needs whenever he wants. If he really needs the release he can masturbate about me.


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## EleGirl

richie33 said:


> No sex in a year, then once a month, now twice a month.....that's a sexless marriage basically. Would it be upsetting if you found out husband masterbated?


Technically, a marriage is considered sexless when there is sex 10 or fewer times a year.

So technically if they are having sex twice a month.. that's 24 times a year and thus not a sexless marriage now.


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## thetiredmommy

EleGirl said:


> richie33 said:
> 
> 
> 
> No sex in a year, then once a month, now twice a month.....that's a sexless marriage basically. Would it be upsetting if you found out husband masterbated?
> 
> 
> 
> Technically, a marriage is considered sexless when there is sex 10 or fewer times a year.
> 
> So technically if they are having sex twice a month.. that's 24 times a year and thus not a sexless marriage now.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I didn't think it was sexless either.


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## WorkingOnMe

Just because it's not technically sexless doesn't mean it good or satisfying. Or even adequate frankly.


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## thetiredmommy

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just because it's not technically sexless doesn't mean it good or satisfying. Or even adequate frankly.


But it's still better than it used to be and I think my husband appreciates my effort.


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## PBear

thetiredmommy said:


> But it's still better than it used to be and I think my husband appreciates my effort.


Better than "none in a year" isn't really anything to brag about...

C


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## WorkingOnMe

thetiredmommy said:


> But it's still better than it used to be and I think my husband appreciates my effort.


Your ipad says differently but ok. Whatever you say.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

thetiredmommy said:


> Yes maybe but I'm not just a vessel for his sexual needs whenever he wants. If he really needs the release he can masturbate about me.


Sex sounds like a CHORE for you. Sex is a BONDING mechanism for your husband. It's where he feels the closest to you. Keep on the path your on & sooner or later, *if he gives you the chance*, you'll be in a MC office. He will be saying to you, "We are going to fix this one of two ways, we start having more sex or WE ARE DONE!" I finally said to my wife "I've put your needs first for years, you have the power to make me feel like the king of the world, yet you consistently treat me like dogs###. I'm putting my needs first from now on."

Read the 5 love languages & take the quiz with your husband.
Marriage is a give & take between 2 people. IMO you are starting to sound "entitled".


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## WorkingOnMe

What you're seeing now, 4 years into parenthood is the gradual shift in your husband as he responds to the way he is treated by his wife. He's on a trajectory and if you're smart enough you'll be able to see what direction he's going. Imagine where he'll be in 10 years. What part do you see yourself playing in that future vision assuming his trajectory doesn't change and you continue to push him in the same direction you have been.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> Thank you. I didn't think it was sexless either.


Your marriage is not technically sexless. But it's close to sexless.
Sex a few times a week is far more normal in marriage. 


What are you doing to increase your desire to have sex with your husband? There are things you can do. 

I, as a woman, would divorce a man who only wanted sex twice a month (or less) and who had the attitude you do.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> So I don't like him watching porn but if I'm not in the mood he can masturbate.


You don't want sex with your husband very often. You say he can masturbate but you want to control what how he masturbates?

Since you don't like sex with him very much, his using you to fantasize when he masturbates is most likely very painful for your husband. What most likely goes through his mind are the rejections he gets... to be constantly rejected sexually is one of the most profoundly painful things anyone (man or woman) can go through. And that's what you want him to think about when he masturbates.. the fact that he has to masturbate because you reject him?


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> But it's still better than it used to be and I think my husband *appreciates my effort*.


That sounds like sex is a chore at which you have to make an effort.


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## MEM2020

Tired,

You need to read about responsive desire and then have some very open, playful and honest sessions of touch and lite foreplay to learn what gradually gets you in the mood - when you start out in neutral. 

No one here is suggesting that you act as his vessel. 

If you make it a priority to work with him on responsive desire, you will be perfectly happy with a much higher frequency. You won't feel forced or used. You will feel bonded. 

As for your comments about him masturbating - thinking about you. Truly you seem to treat him more like an object that you posses, than a the most important person in your life. 

If you want to be a partner you ask him: 

Is there a sexual frequency at which you would be willing to stop watching porn? 

-----
And Tired, I'm already far enough in your head to know that you believe he should stop doing it just because it upsets you. 

But - that would be no different than him saying: you should have sex with me every other day, because this once/twice a month routine upsets me. 









thetiredmommy said:


> Yes maybe but I'm not just a vessel for his sexual needs whenever he wants. If he really needs the release he can masturbate about me.


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## Lon

Tired, what does your mom have to say about this?


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## thetiredmommy

MEM11363 said:


> Tired,
> 
> You need to read about responsive desire and then have some very open, playful and honest sessions of touch and lite foreplay to learn what gradually gets you in the mood - when you start out in neutral.
> 
> No one here is suggesting that you act as his vessel.
> 
> If you make it a priority to work with him on responsive desire, you will be perfectly happy with a much higher frequency. You won't feel forced or used. You will feel bonded.
> 
> As for your comments about him masturbating - thinking about you. Truly you seem to treat him more like an object that you posses, than a the most important person in your life.
> 
> If you want to be a partner you ask him:
> 
> Is there a sexual frequency at which you would be willing to stop watching porn?
> 
> -----
> And Tired, I'm already far enough in your head to know that you believe he should stop doing it just because it upsets you.
> 
> But - that would be no different than him saying: you should have sex with me every other day, because this once/twice a month routine upsets me.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> thetiredmommy said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes maybe but I'm not just a vessel for his sexual needs whenever he wants. If he really needs the release he can masturbate about me.
Click to expand...

Well he is good in bed, it's just it's usually late so I ask if a quickie is ok.


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## thetiredmommy

Lon said:


> Tired, what does your mom have to say about this?


Well she told me that reading romance novels could get me in the mood. She's definitely worried since I told her about the year a half we didn't have sex. She told me he was going to have an affair or divorce me.


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## MEM2020

Tired,

God bless you - you are being super honest.

First: I'm going to pre empt you. Don't tell me you are too busy. 

Don't tell me that you don't have time. We both know that - we all watch many hours of tv a week. And that's ok. 

But that isn't why you are starting so late. 

So why are you starting late and thus depriving both of you from having a nice long hour of slow, lazy foreplay and then sex?

Is it because you are anxious that with all that time he will want to give / get oral? 

Hey - if you are anxious about that - and it's making you avoid anything but quickies - that's ok. 

I mean it. That doesn't make you bad or selfish. 

But - if that's the case - you need to tell him that you want to have a more frequent sex life - but don't want him to pressure you on the oral. 

But - you do have to touch him - even if it is just with your hand. He has to feel wanted. And that means you are touching him too.






thetiredmommy said:


> Well he is good in bed, it's just it's usually late so I ask if a quickie is ok.


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## White.Rabbit

I have no issue with porn per se, but there is a difference between enjoying the occasional drink and being a drunk. The former is OK in moderation, but the latter wrecks relationships. It's a case of knowing where to draw the boundaries, which are down to the individuals concerned.

I understand that having a baby changes things and can throw things off balance. Have you discussed your PMS and periods with your GP? I haven't had children myself, but I've found that making sure my pelvic floor is kept in good shape makes a major difference to my needs and responses.


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## Abc123wife

thetiredmommy said:


> I know. During that year, I told him that it wasn't about not desiring him, but just that my body was overworked and touched out from nursing. I just asked him to be patient and he was very supportive.


It has taken 4 years to get back up to twice a month? I spent ten years being pregnant and/or nursing (each one for more than 2 years). I cannot imagine going a year without sex after each. Did you see your doctor to get help? 

And you are so drained and tired with the one child? Have you mentioned this problem to the doctor? Has your doctor checked thyroid? Hormone levels? How was your libido before having a child? 

Are you planning any more children? What does your husband say about that?


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## tulsy

thetiredmommy said:


> I don't know...I don't get anything out of giving him a hand job or blowjob till completion. He's expressed that he's wanted that, but it feels selfish and puts me in a subservient position.


Are you my ex-wife? :scratchhead:

That's pretty sad; that you don't get any pleasure from giving your partner pleasure.

Giving someone sexual pleasure is the biggest turn-on.


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## PBear

Just a suggestion... Check out her other new post about how she just wants him to get it over and done with, with no extra touching or foreplay. *sigh*

Twice a month (I'm guessing at best it's that) of "are you done yet" sex, and she's upset about him watching porn? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33

PBear said:


> Just a suggestion... Check out her other new post about how she just wants him to get it over and done with, with no extra touching or foreplay. *sigh*
> 
> Twice a month (I'm guessing at best it's that) of "are you done yet" sex, and she's upset about him watching porn?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or blowjob with a condom post.


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## PBear

richie33 said:


> Or blowjob with a condom post.


Must have missed that one...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus

There are lots of folks here who are all touchy-feely shoulder-to-cry-on supportive. 

I'm not one of them. I'm here to tell you unequivocally that you are ruining your marriage over sex. Slowly, surely, probably imperceptibly to you, but true nonetheless. 

How the two of you deal with it is your business, but I want to be very frank in making sure you don't just seek validation for your opinion here, as I'm seeing in some of your replies, but that you understand that you have planted a bomb in your marriage and lit the fuse. 

Are you going to let it burn all the way to the core?


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## thetiredmommy

WorkingOnMe said:


> What you're seeing now, 4 years into parenthood is the gradual shift in your husband as he responds to the way he is treated by his wife. He's on a trajectory and if you're smart enough you'll be able to see what direction he's going. Imagine where he'll be in 10 years. What part do you see yourself playing in that future vision assuming his trajectory doesn't change and you continue to push him in the same direction you have been.


What trajectory do you see him on? I'm not noticing any strong shift....


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## thetiredmommy

EleGirl said:


> You don't want sex with your husband very often. You say he can masturbate but you want to control what how he masturbates?
> 
> Since you don't like sex with him very much, his using you to fantasize when he masturbates is most likely very painful for your husband. What most likely goes through his mind are the rejections he gets... to be constantly rejected sexually is one of the most profoundly painful things anyone (man or woman) can go through. And that's what you want him to think about when he masturbates.. the fact that he has to masturbate because you reject him?


You think it's painful for him to masturbate to me? I've never thought about it as rejection. Are men usually this emotional about sex? I thought it was more of a physical need...


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## WorkingOnMe

I think in 10 years you'll be a tired single mommy and you'll have only your own selfishness to blame. I also think that you know this but don't really care because you're not really that into your husband. Based on all your posts, I question your love for him. 

Also the detached way you answer questions makes me think you're on the spectrum.


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## Lon

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think in 10 years you'll be a tired single mommy and you'll have only your own selfishness to blame. I also think that you know this but don't really care because you're not really that into your husband. Based on all your posts, I question your love for him.
> 
> *Also the detached way you answer questions makes me think you're on the spectrum.*


The detached way this person replies to comments on here makes me suspect their reason for even commenting here.

Tiredmommy, in a very short period of time you have gotten a TON of useful replies on your threads. Do you plan on acting on any of the advice you have received?


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## thetiredmommy

Abc123wife said:


> It has taken 4 years to get back up to twice a month? I spent ten years being pregnant and/or nursing (each one for more than 2 years). I cannot imagine going a year without sex after each. Did you see your doctor to get help?
> 
> And you are so drained and tired with the one child? Have you mentioned this problem to the doctor? Has your doctor checked thyroid? Hormone levels? How was your libido before having a child?
> 
> Are you planning any more children? What does your husband say about that?


He suggested that I go to the doctor, but I didn't see it as a problem. I just assured him to be patient and it did eventually come back. My thyroid and hormone levels are good; I had a physical a couple months ago. 

I think my libido was good before the child, but I did have a bad bout of anxiety and depression before I got pregnant. I know our sex life wasn't the best then, but he said we didn't have sex for 4 months. But I think it was that bad...

No, he said that he doesn't want more children. He said it would be too challenging financially if I wouldn't be willing to work part-time. I was SAHM so I could nurse the first year. He did mention that the lack of sex was a problem, too, but I was irritated that he thought that was a reason to not have a second child.


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## thetiredmommy

Lon said:


> The detached way this person replies to comments on here makes me suspect their reason for even commenting here.


I am definitely not on the spectrum. I've been seeing therapists off and on for years. I do have generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and once I was diagnosed with PTSD. If I sound detached, it's because sometimes emotions feel too strong and I need a break, if that makes sense...


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## thetiredmommy

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think in 10 years you'll be a tired single mommy and you'll have only your own selfishness to blame. I also think that you know this but don't really care because you're not really that into your husband. Based on all your posts, I question your love for him.
> 
> Also the detached way you answer questions makes me think you're on the spectrum.


I LOVE him very much. I care about him and always ask him about his day. If he has a hard day, I make him dinner and talk things out with him.


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## Cletus

thetiredmommy said:


> He did mention that the lack of sex was a problem, too, but I was irritated that he thought that was a reason to not have a second child.


When you might have to get out of a marriage because the intimacy is nearly nonexistent, it doesn't make sense to write 18 year promissory notes.


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## Lon

thetiredmommy said:


> I am definitely not on the spectrum. I've been seeing therapists off and on for years. I do have generalized anxiety disorder, depression, and once I was diagnosed with PTSD. If I sound detached, it's because sometimes emotions feel too strong and I need a break, if that makes sense...


well maybe you should consider taking a break on this board and soak in the information you've received, as well as tend to the many responsibilities you need to in your busy life - I think that would be the best way for you to start mending and repairing your marriage. Like I suggested earlier, trust in your H, he seems like a VERY devoted man that truly cares about your best interests and the well being of his family, put a little faith in him.


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## Abc123wife

thetiredmommy said:


> He suggested that I go to the doctor, but I didn't see it as a problem. I just assured him to be patient and it did eventually come back. My thyroid and hormone levels are good; I had a physical a couple months ago.
> 
> I think my libido was good before the child, but I did have a bad bout of anxiety and depression before I got pregnant. I know our sex life wasn't the best then, but he said we didn't have sex for 4 months. But I think it was that bad...
> 
> No, he said that he doesn't want more children. He said it would be too challenging financially if I wouldn't be willing to work part-time. I was SAHM so I could nurse the first year. He did mention that the lack of sex was a problem, too, but I was irritated that he thought that was a reason to not have a second child.


So you have been married 6 years, and sex was a problem even before you had a baby (4 months without before pregnancy). And sex has been almost non-existent since your child was born. So in essence, most of your marriage has been sexless? 

And no wonder he doesn't want another child. First, it would mean another 4 years with practically no sex. And it seems you are having trouble handling even one child. Finally, he is probably not wanting to bring another child into your marriage if he is considering his options. He may not be as happy and patient as you seem to think waiting for years for your libido to return! He may be reaching his breaking point of little to no sex (and all the restrictions you place on it), having not even an hour a week to himself to go for a run, being told by his wife and his MIL that he can't get a jogging stroller, etc.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> You think it's painful for him to masturbate to me?


Yes it most likely is painful for him to think about you sexually much at all. You are the person who promised to love and cherish him. But you are the person who has soundly rejected him sexually for years. If he could have the sex life he really wants, he probably would make love to you every day or two. Instead he has to actively work to not think of you sexually and not want sex with you almost every day for the last 4 years. That’s excruciating emotional pain. Having lived through this as the person being rejected, I know that it’s a form of very serious emotional abuse.

You say that you tell him that it’s not him that you don’t want, it’s sex that you don’t want. That’s just word play. The fact is that you don’t want sex with him. He knows that.

I used to be married to a man who developed an attitude towards sex like yours. His constant rejection was excruciating. IT was like being told just about daily that I was too disgusting/undesirable for him to ever want sex with me. And yes it got to the point where even thinking of sex with him was painful. And it got to the point where I stopped wanted sex with him (I wanted sex, just not with him.). So I dumped him. We are divorced. No one needs to live with that kind of rejection day in and day out. It’s the constant rejection that causes extreme emotional pain. 

And now you are not only rejecting your husband most of the time, but you are demanding that his personal (masturbation) sex life consists of only thoughts of the very person who is rejecting and hurting him? You have turned into a cold, nonsexual person. Why would any man want to masturbate to that? At least with porn the women appear to want sex and enjoy it.

With our attitude of seldom agreeing to have sex and then expecting him to get it over with quickly, I’m honestly surprised he even still wants sex with you. Duty sex, cold emotion less sex, is hurtful sex.

Was there ever a time that you actually liked sex and had real desire for sex with him?



thetiredmommy said:


> I've never thought about it as rejection. Are men usually this emotional about sex? I thought it was more of a physical need...


Sex is very emotional for men. It usually is for women too... though it does not seem to be emotional for you at all. 

When a man is in a committed relationship sex is extremely emotional. It's how they express their love for their wife. Tat's they it's called physical intimacy. And when their wife actually wants sex with them it's emotional because that's how they receive emotional love.

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It will explain a lot.

There is a very high probability that due to your attitudes towards sex with your husband that he will cheat or leave you. He is very likely to do both.

Look up the hormone Oxytocin. Called the bonding hormone. IT’s produced in both the man and the woman when they have sex. It’s the brain chemical that bonds a couple together. When there is not enough oxytocin produced, the bond between a couples is broken. That’s generally when affairs start to happen. Humans have a need to bond. Once the bond is broken with one partner humans will start to seek out another partner to bond with.

When a woman goes a long time with little to no emotional and physical intimacy, the level of Oxytocin in her body goes way down. She gets to be the way you are… not wanting sex, sex seems dirty, she does not want to be touched, she does not like foreplay. 
The best way for you to get your desire back is to do what you have been avoiding.. have lots of hot sex with lots of mutual touching.

If you keep this up, you will destroy what little bit is left of your marriage. And when that happens you really have only yourself to blame.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy, 

Do you have a job? Or are you a SAHM?

ETA: Ok so I read further that you are a SAHM.

.


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## Abc123wife

thetiredmommy said:


> He suggested that I go to the doctor, but I didn't see it as a problem.


What did you mean by the above statement? He asked you to go to the doctor after being completely sexless for at least a year after having your child and near sexless for 3 more years. But you didn't see that you might have a problem? No problem to you! But you husband obviously sees it as a problem! 

Are you able to have any empathy for your husband? Do you think of how he might feel and why he might want to see you have even a tiny bit of interest in fixing this issue?


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> He suggested that I go to the doctor, but I didn't see it as a problem. I just assured him to be patient and it did eventually come back. My thyroid and hormone levels are good; I had a physical a couple months ago.


If he suggested that you go to the doctor then he’s telling you that the lack of sex and your lack of interest in sex are HUGE problems to him. But you choose to ignore that. Why? Why is it that you do not care to be your husband’s lover? Generally when a person withholds sex like you are, it’s because of resentment towards their spouse. So maybe we should be talking about that… resentment.


thetiredmommy said:


> I think my libido was good before the child, but I did have a bad bout of anxiety and depression before I got pregnant. I know our sex life wasn't the best then, but he said we didn't have sex for 4 months. But I think it was that bad...


4 months with no sex before you got pregnant? Yes your sex life was bad and it only got worse after the pregnancy.


thetiredmommy said:


> No, he said that he doesn't want more children. He said it would be too challenging financially if I wouldn't be willing to work part-time. I was SAHM so I could nurse the first year. He did mention that the lack of sex was a problem, too, but I was irritated that he thought that was a reason to not have a second child.


From your husband's point of view, he lost his wife/lover when you had your child. Another child is more of a commitment. He’s clearly not willing to commit further to you. IT’s yet another sign that your marriage is in big trouble. You apparently do not see it, but you have shared a few things that make it clear that your husband is very unhappy in this marriage.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy,

Why are you married to your husband? You have no passion for him. So why are you staying in this marriage?


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## Personal

thetiredmommy said:


> I LOVE him very much. I care about him and always ask him about his day. If he has a hard day, I make him dinner and talk things out with him.


Platonic housemates do the same thing, healthy husbands and wives ought to do much more.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> I LOVE him very much. I care about him and always ask him about his day. If he has a hard day, I make him dinner and talk things out with him.


That's about what I do with my 25 year old son.

Your husband already has a mother. 

What your husband needs from you is a passionate lover. Sure as his lover you would still do what you describe above. But you would also crave and have passionate sex with him often. That's the point.. you do not seem to love your husband with the passion of a lover.


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## WorkingOnMe

EleGirl said:


> That's about what I do with my 25 year old son.
> 
> 
> 
> Your husband already has a mother.
> 
> 
> 
> What your husband needs from you is a passionate lover. Sure as his lover you would still do what you describe above. But you would also crave and have passionate sex with him often. That's the point.. you do not seem to love your husband with the passion of a lover.



Exactly.


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## richie33

OP put this in the addiction section thinking her husband has a porn addiction. Which is ridiculous. The problem is you not your husband.


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## thetiredmommy

EleGirl said:


> thetiredmommy,
> 
> Why are you married to your husband? You have no passion for him. So why are you staying in this marriage?


It's common that sex reduces after children. It doesn't mean that I love him any less..


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## Durnik

I'd like to chime in by pointing out one thing you said a while back, that the two of you joke about his wanting sex with you so often that he's a sex addict. 

I guarantee you that he isn't joking about it. YOU are joking about it.

You are intentionally starving your husband of intimacy and love, and then mocking him for being hungry, shaming him, blameshifting the problem onto him, gaslighting him as to the cause of his misery. When YOU are the one with the issues.

This is abusive behavior by itself, without even considering the absurd control you wield over him. Literally. Textbook abuse. It's time to put away the copy of NMMNG I hope your husband reads someday, and time to pick up "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.


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## Almostrecovered

cheating is common too, doesn't make it healthy for a marriage


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy said:


> It's common that sex reduces after children. It doesn't mean that I love him any less..


Yes some women do reduce the amount of sex they will allow after children. For most women the reduction is only for a short period of time... like a few weeks or a few months. Not years.

Did you ever feel any passion for him? Were you ever really very sexual with him?

Yes, your lack of sexual attraction/interest in your husband now does mean that you love him less. It means that you do not love him in the way a man wants to be loved. He married you because he wanted you as his lover. He did not marry you to get occasional duty sex.


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## Abc123wife

thetiredmommy said:


> It's common that sex reduces after children. It doesn't mean that I love him any less..


You admitted that sex was pretty low before your one and only child four years ago. So how could it get any lower and still be acceptable by most standards? It became zero for over a year after. Now FOUR YEARS later you are up to 2 times a month!

You seem to be pushing the mommy excuse a bit. It doesn't work for some of us. I had 4 kids and managed to never be so tired or so busy to not have time for sex. And the nursing thing is no excuse either. I nursed all of mine for 2 years or more AND I had a full-time job! And yes at times you feel a bit all touched out but a little relaxation and time with just your spouse at the end of the day once the kids are all in bed can quickly change that.

I understand you have anxiety and depression, but again have you gone for medical help or to a therapist specifically for your aversion to sex issues? You are coming across as completely selfish and have one excuse after another for not doing anything to improve the situation. You are giving the impression that you want us to believe that your husband is the one with a problem (porn addiction, selfish needs for sex and exercise) rather than seeing that are are being completely unwilling to find a resolution to your lack of sex drive.


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## EleGirl

thetiredmommy,

you say that you have sleep issues. Have you seen a sleep doctor to get some resolution to this?


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## Fozzy

Tired, are you currently taking SSRI's?


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## thetiredmommy

Fozzy said:


> Tired, are you currently taking SSRI's?


Not right now. I used to be on fluoxetine though. Now I'm on buspar


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## wilson

Tired, while I can understand your position on sex, you must realize that not everyone feels the same way. It appears you are trying to justify your position without realizing that your H doesn't have to feel the same way. Just because he's not saying anything doesn't mean he's okay with it. He's probably a nice, responsible man who is doing his duty to be a father and husband, but is dying inside.

You must realize that your rigid view of sex may eventually destroy your marriage. One day your H is going to be worn out from not feeling desired, having to beg, and doing without sex that he is going to leave. He .. is... going... to... leave. At most, he'll wait until your child is out of the house, but he may leave sooner.

If he leaves, are you going to look back at this moment and be glad you held firm in denying him sexual satisfaction for all those years? Or will you wish you had changed? If you don't want to get divorced, you better start making changes in yourself now rather than trying to explain why you're right and convincing him that he's wrong.


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## happy as a clam

Puh-leeze tired mommy....

Can you stick to ONE thread?

It's very hard to give you cogent, coherent advice when major parts of your story are missing from each thread.

Folks, you should at least check out OP's other threads... you might think twice about the advice you're giving:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/219890-does-seem-rigid-4.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/219594-question-about-personal-rec-time.html

Just sayin'...


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## Fozzy

thetiredmommy said:


> Not right now. I used to be on fluoxetine though. Now I'm on buspar


Have you looked into Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction? SSRI's can sometimes kill your libido, and for a significant number of people, it doesn't come back, even after stopping the medication.


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## EleGirl

Tired,

To be honest, I think that one thing that people are picking up on here is that you sound remarkably flat emotionally. I've even been wondering if you are a troll playing with us because your posts are so flat emotionally. Most people can only write/talk about emotions that they have experienced. But your thread about not wanting your husband to have time to jog sounds more real. So I don't think you are a troll. 

I'm wondering if your medications are harming you emotionally and sexually. This is very common. You are on medications that often decrease sex drive. 

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or getting counseling? Besides your MD giving you meds, what support are you getting for your medical & mental health issues? 

I think you should consider seeing a therapist who is also a sex therapist. That person should be one who can work with your physician who can help you find meds that do not depress your sex drive.


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## tulsy

EleGirl said:


> Yes it most likely is painful for him to think about you sexually much at all. You are the person who promised to love and cherish him. But you are the person who has soundly rejected him sexually for years. If he could have the sex life he really wants, he probably would make love to you every day or two. *Instead he has to actively work to not think of you sexually and not want sex with you almost every day* for the last 4 years. That’s excruciating emotional pain. Having lived through this as the person being rejected, I know that it’s a form of very serious emotional abuse.....


THIS!!!

Wow...thank you EleGirl.


OP's attitude about sex parallels my ex-wife's stance.

TheTiredMommy thinks that because her husband gets occasional, vanilla sex, it's good enough. Why go to a doctor? She's fine with the situation, and doesn't care that her husband isn't. Selfish.

She also doesn't understand that sex which is rationed out, "duty driven", or used as a manipulation tactic is never as good as hot, loving, passionate, spur-of-moment, feverish, rip your clothes off, overwhelming and uncontrollable orgasms sex, and it doesn't replace it.

It's not even close. For those who are deprived, even though you are happy when your spouse finally does have sex with you again, you also resent that the person will immediately start withholding sex from you all over again.

Add to this, that she wants to control how he masturbates and what he masturbates to, when he can go jogging, etc...she's got serious control issues, and really doesn't offer much in return. Every suggestion is ignored or rebuffed.

TiredMommy, I've been married to someone like you. Frankly, it sucked.


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## Deejo

These threads are already on death watch.

PEOPLE

for, the love ... step away from the keyboard. 

The only ones struggling here are the folks replying.

Not the original poster.


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## happy as a clam

Deejo said:


> These threads are already on *death watch...*
> PEOPLE...
> for, the love ... step away from the keyboard.
> The only ones struggling here are the folks replying.
> Not the original poster.


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## Deejo

I think we can safely rule out hubby having a porn addiction.

Closing this one out.


----------

