# Wife texting others over me Help me!



## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

All this beginning stuff is backstory, its long I know but I lay the foundation. If you want to see the issues skip down to paragraph 5 please. Any advice will help.

Hello I really need some advice. My wife has been texting other people, men mostly instead of me. We haven't had any problems like this before until she went on this trip which she is still on for a month and a half. It is for work and in the U.S. So how do I know this you ask? Well I have been feeling very left out of her life since she left, first it was we can talk every day babe! As the first week goes by I have only talked to her on the phone once, twice at the most. Texts are very few and far in between. So I tell her I don't feel good about this why don't you call me and make an effort to talk to me more. I tell her this over the phone when I finally get to call her. She cries and says she knows its dumb that I even had to bring it up that I am sad she doesn't spend the time to contact me. 

So fast forward a few days. Same thing. I had a feeling that me bringing up how its not cool for her to just abandon me wouldn't change anything, and it didn't. Her replies to my text are rare and fewer by the day. Now here is the real stuff. To clear up any questions, I live 3000miles away from anyone I know and right now I'm unemployed but searching for a job. So basically I keep myself entertained which isn't a big deal I enjoy life and have hobbies. I also met some locals that I went to a small computer lan party with. So when I say abandon me I mean it. She knows I'm not doing anything too important and If I am I tell her and she doesn't respond. 

Moving on, she works with a group of people and they go out and do stuff in the city and what not. I am not a jealous person and I trust my wife. But those feelings started to change the less she talked to me even after I confronted her about it. She kept saying that she isn't sad or mopey and doesn't want to be a shut in during the time there. I tell her I want her to have fun and enjoy her time, only that I wish she would text me more and make time to call me or skype with me. She said she would and would download skype.

She has only called me to see how the lan party went. Didn't download skype and that was a week ago. 

I don't think I am asking for much when I say please make time for me. I could be wrong. 

So it got to me. I got mad and called her up. I told her how I felt again and this time she didn't cry. She has no answers for why she doesn't call me and says that she really didn't think it was a big deal. I tell her you're my wife and I want to talk to you and be part of your life even if you're gone. I tell her I bet the other people you work with make time for their spouse. She doesn't care. We talk in circles for a while and get no where.

The next day I tried to call back to apologize, she says not now I'll call you tomorrow. I ask why not now, she says she is out and wants to give me her full attention. I am ok with this.

Then I had a thought. I wonder if I can see how much and who she is texting. So I log into our cell phone provider and behold! I can. I can't read the texts of course. 

So here I am with this months message data. I download it to spreadsheet and begin to dissect whats there. I have a good idea of her work schedule even though she didn't tell me what it was, so those texts I really don't care about. The ones I find interesting are the ones that happen from 9pm on. 

Sorting through all the numbers I find 3 that stand out to me. Simply the most texted during the day. Im talking like 40 to 50 texts in an hour or so. Mind you at night when she could be talking to me or even texting me. It really got to me when I would see my text sent to her, and she didn't respond but went on having a long conversation with one of these 3 numbers. 

The pattern that emerged was: #A would be blowing up her phone early in the night like 7-10ish. #B was thrown all in there but more predominant later 11-3. #C was pretty close with #B only late and the least amount. 

So why is my wife not responding to my texts, but having very long conversations with these other people. Often very late into the night even when she works early the next day. Granted she says its boring there, not much to do, and so on. 

My only reply to her when she says that is call me, text me if you're so bored. It seems these guys mainly #A has filled that spot. I am aware of the Emotional Infidelity and thats my diagnosis. If she ever calls me tonight I am going to slowly bring it up and see if she lies about things I know are true. Such do you text people before bed and stuff. Any help on how to bring this up to her? I want my wife to love me like she says and miss me and want to contact me and engage with me. But she doesn't and I don't know why as we have had a strong relationship.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

It's very simple. Your wife is having an affair. It might just be emotional at this point but what's clear is that she has detached from you. The problem is that whatever you bring up to her with little evidence it only going to be denied. 

When does your wife get back from the trip?


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

oct 1st


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Do you have any way of going to where she is? You cannot go on like this for the next six weeks. If there's no way of getting together than yes you will have to speak with her and ask her what's going on. Like I mentioned she will deny if you accuse her of anything but there is a way to have a conversation without it turning into a coverup session. Quite frankly I would flat out tell her this is unacceptable and you demand to know what's going on. You can see the cell logs and you know she's active on her phone but is avoiding you.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

I pretty much told her its unacceptable 2 times, once nicely and once more upset and angry. Now I have the phone log I will up front about it. And she just texted me thats she drained and doesn't want to have a serious talk tonight. Put off until tomorrow.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Like it or not when a man is out of work his self esteem goes down. His confidence goes down. Many women lose interest in a man who is not confident.
She may be comparing you to other men she sees as successfull, interesting and not needy. this is one perspective. You are less attractive right now to her.

Also you are not now meeting each others needs. So you both are more vulnerable to an affair. Other people start meeting needs. This has happened. her needs are being met by one or more other people and she is trying to meet their needs and not yours.

What does she do for a living? Who is she travelling with. What do they do after work? 

I get the full attention thing but realistically she is giving her attention elsewhere. The fact you have told her this and she is indifferent is that she is more interested in someone else at the moment.

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation.

Right now you have been isolated. So you have no idea about any Instigation and Escalations going on. But you have evidence in the texts.

Not good at all.

How old are you guys? How long have you been married? Any kids? Any previous affairs?

What did you / do you do for a living when you are working?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

demala said:


> I pretty much told her its unacceptable 2 times, once nicely and once more upset and angry. Now I have the phone log I will up front about it. And she just texted me thats she drained and doesn't want to have a serious talk tonight. Put off until tomorrow.


Ok so not to upset you but she really does not want ot deal with you at all. She feels she does not have to.

If life is so boring for her why would she be drained?


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

demala said:


> I pretty much told her its unacceptable 2 times, once nicely and once more upset and angry. Now I have the phone log I will up front about it. And she just texted me thats she drained and doesn't want to have a serious talk tonight. Put off until tomorrow.


Just like she couldn't talk to you unless she could give you her full attention. Now you will see the call logs tonight and see she is active once again with everyone except you. This is not a good situation at all and clearly others are in the picture here.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

we're young, early 20s. She is air force. I do not have any way to go see her. Sadly I agree with you and I think you really hit the mark with this Entropy. We haven't been married long, almost a year but we've both put a lot of effort into it and no kids or previous affairs. Most of the people she works with are married, I do not know any of them but I do have info on 1 of the numbers that texts her a lot, he is married and I might reach out to him or his wife even about this late night texting if she doesn't come clean about it.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Ya I will see the call logs tonight. She is drained because she worked a couple hours over the usual time. But really its because she stayed up so damn late.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

demala said:


> we're young, early 20s. She is air force. I do not have any way to go see her. Sadly I agree with you and I think you really hit the mark with this Entropy. We haven't been married long, almost a year but we've both put a lot of effort into it and no kids or previous affairs. Most of the people she works with are married, I do not know any of them but I do have info on 1 of the numbers that texts her a lot, he is married and I might reach out to him or his wife even about this late night texting if she doesn't come clean about it.


Do not contact him. If you do he will contact your wife about it. The thing to do with be to contact his wife and tell her you see her husband and your wife texting in large amounts and at odd hours.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

demala said:


> Ya I will see the call logs tonight. She is drained because she worked a couple hours over the usual time. But really its because she stayed up so damn late.


Exactly, that's the reason she's so tired. You have some work to do first like maybe contacting the OM's wife. Then you can throw out to your wife that perhaps she wouldn't be so tired if she wasn't up to all hours texting certain people on her phone. I would just leave it at that.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

She said tomorrow will be a slower day, I will monitor the contact later tonight and see what happens. I tried to call her anyway, went to voicemail. If this isn't resolved by tomorrow then I will be contacting the OM's wife.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

demala said:


> She said tomorrow will be a slower day, I will monitor the contact later tonight and see what happens. I tried to call her anyway, went to voicemail. If this isn't resolved by tomorrow then I will be contacting the OM's wife.


Take a look at what happens with the phone tonight and then report back tomorrow. You're in the right place and we will help you of where to go from there.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Thank you kindly. I feel so eat up inside its going to be hard to fall asleep again.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

demala said:


> Thank you kindly. I feel so eat up inside its going to be hard to fall asleep again.


Just try to relax and get some rest. We have seen this a lot this week on this board with posters staying up all night. Believe me going 48 hours without sleep is not going to help.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Military marriages for young folks are an extreme challenge. She is out partying with the boys. Married or not ... whatever. She is ignoring you and texting others. She does not even want to discuss with you. This could mean she has some bad news she would rather not share with you.

What happens after this detachment? Meaning where does she go and when is she gone again and for how long?

So all I can say is that you need to insist you get to talk to her for an extended time where you are her full focus. 

How long has she been in the air force? Has she been a party girl?


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

It will be 2 years soon and no she isn't a real party type girl. Ya I want to ask her, "What do you want to come home to? With this situation I can't for see a good homecoming." Tomorrow is the day for sure, Im gonna lay it all out and tell her if I don't get straight talk I've got some plans for the future.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

demala said:


> Ya I will see the call logs tonight. She is drained because she worked a couple hours over the usual time. *But really its because she stayed up so damn late.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I hate to think this, but:
> 
> ...


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

you need to do something for yourself. Eat (healthy), workout, work like mad to get a job and maybe entertain some hobbies.
You need to do this in order not to look needy and pathetic compared to her colleagues.
It will also help you avoid spinning off in obsession.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

I do, I eat healthy I work out a lot, I play racquet ball often and I play online games with old friends. I take my dog to parks and such pretty often. I have been job hunting like crazy too. It sucks where I live.

Malaise I believe my wife was working late because it happens. I will have more info in the morning about this though.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I sincerely hope that is the truth


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Well tonight was actually quiet. No messages in or out since 11 her time. Although she did not respond to my last text and sent a text out a few minutes later to someone else.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Sorry about the previous post. I've become very cynical and distrustful the last few years. My issues and I projected them onto your situation.

My apologies


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hope you get the answers you want.Right now it appears you and the marriage are not the #1 priority in her life and that doesn't bode well for the future.Is the married OM she is texting currently on assignment with her group?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

demala said:


> Well tonight was actually quiet. No messages in or out since 11 her time. Although she did not respond to my last text and sent a text out a few minutes later to someone else.


texts can take time to arrive sometimes


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

demala said:


> I do, I eat healthy I work out a lot, I play racquet ball often and I play online games with old friends. I take my dog to parks and such pretty often. I have been job hunting like crazy too. *It sucks where I live*.
> 
> Malaise I believe my wife was working late because it happens. I will have more info in the morning about this though.


Then it is time to go to where it doesn't suck! Time to take your life and your marriage by the horns.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I hope everything works out properly and their is a perfectly reasonable explanation for this...but it doesn't look good.

Remeber that you have every right to be respected. Hold on to your dignity and don't let anybody take it from you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cpacan said:


> you need to do something for yourself. Eat (healthy), workout, work like mad to get a job and maybe entertain some hobbies.
> You need to do this in order not to look needy and pathetic compared to her colleagues.
> It will also help you avoid spinning off in obsession.


This is good for all sorts of reasons.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Ok so some replies to some responses. It sucks where I live job wise, I actually love where I live its great I just can't find a job  So my early reply about it being quiet was too soon. I check this morning, 42 messages sent and received to one number from 11:09pm to 2:07am. Mind you I texted her last at 11:14 her time, which I then tried to call 5 mins later and got no answer. I am very mad to see she stayed up late anyway blowing up this guy's phone.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

And you have a right to be angry. It's tough because she's not there. She clearly doesn't respect you, so it seems. I think I would prepare to detach, so you are ready, cool and calm when she gets home.
Sorry, stay cool and focus on you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

If she will not talk to you today, tell her this is unacceptable and you feel she is not acting like a married woman.

If she does talk with you, do not tip your hand. Ask her why she ignored your attempts at contact. Ask what she was doing then. If she lies to you you have all you need to know. Tell her you know she is lying and that you see this as unfaithful and not acceptable to you as her husband. Give her another chance to tell you the truth without giving your source of information. If she keeps lying then you know your marriage is in great jeopardy and that the reasons for lying are not good either. Then tell her you know she is not telling the truth. 

Persoanlly I woud then ask her who she was texting at the time. Again without stating how you know. It should be obvious to her but for me I would be done so I would then ask her if there is another man. Likley she will deny but again if it were me the lying would be enough. Many will say to continue monitoring but if she is lying now, ignoring you, texting another man and not coming home until October ... what is the point?

I suspect that in the middle of this conversation she will just either hang up, say she is drained or confused and does not want to talk to you.

BTW have you ever discussed boundaries with her?

So to be clear who is at this other number? I would find out before I spoke with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well the good thing is all that texting indicates she was most likely home and not with him. The bad thing here is when the texting stops then she most like is with OM.

If this helps, I was able to save wifes cell phone statement (online) to an Excel spread sheet and was able to coilate the same number and the date and times. Like you the were a few numbers and I found it interesting to see how of the 4 nummbers I was less used on any particular day or time, indicating (with some assumtion) my wife was with that 1 person and texting the other three.

Anyway you can tell alot about the usage when you can coilate the time and number.


Have you considered doing a reverse look up on the number?

I also think you need more time before you confront and reveal your info source, you need to find out who these numbers belong to and out of the 3 nubers which is called the most and the latest in the night.

I was able to tell which number my wife last called before going to sleep and the 1st call she made when she woke up. often it was the same number and it drew the conclusion that this was the number she was closest to.

It sucks when our cheating wifes have a rotation of guys, its hard to tell if she is sleeping with all of them or just the one. But with the Excel and coilating amount of time spent on a number, it was interesting to see how one guy faded a way and a new guy caught her interest.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

I do not know who this other number is, I sorta have a good idea though. Its this guy and he is not married but I think he has a girlfriend back here I'm not sure and this is speculation. I plan on staying very cool and talking to her and leading the conversation into seeing if she will lie or just plain answer at all. 

We have talked about boundaries, not before the trip which I now regret. (really didn't think we'd have this problem I was there for her waiting through basic and tech school) She had a boyfriend when she was young like 17-18 yrs old that joined the army. They were about to be engaged when his OW contacted her telling her that he was now engaged to this OW. She has always said she would never cheat because of how she felt after that and wouldn't do it to someone else. 

I also suspect that she will either hang up or become silent. I love my wife but I'll be honest when it comes to things like this she isn't very articulate and she also seems to really not care. She cried the first time I brought up how I felt and the second time not even a tinge of emotion in her voice. 

My plan is to talk to her, ask her how she really feels. If she is doing ok and what she expects and wants when she comes home. Then I am going to lead the conversation into asking her why I feel that she is emotionally detached from me. Then, Do you have someone there that has taken my place? Im guaranteeing she will say no babe of course not blah blah. So then I will hit her with do you stay up late texting other people, guys? If she lies I will riposte with but if you did what would you talk about. A lie again then I am going to ask her who the number is. 

If I get a real answer to who he is I will then ask if she texts him late at night. If she lies or gives me some kind of bs answer like He's just a friend I will again say well is he more important than me? 

She will say no and they are just friends; I bet. Then I will precede to ask if he's married or with someone and if that someone would be happy their man is talking to a married woman. She will say she doesn't know. Doesn't care, Then I will say I know you text him late at night, I know you stay up very late texting him and 2 other people. But this guy is the number one and I want to know what is going on.

If she says nothing I will ask her to read me the texts. If she does not do it I am going to threaten some important things: give our dog(that she loves) away is one thing. If that does nothing then I am telling her that its over I'm leaving you. Then I am going to call that number tell him who I am, and ask him why he is doing what he is doing with my wife and so on. 

Sorry for a long post but I like to outline.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> Well the good thing is all that texting indicates she was most likely home and not with him. The bad thing here is when the texting stops then she most like is with OM.
> 
> If this helps, I was able to save wifes cell phone statement (online) to an Excel spread sheet and was able to coilate the same number and the date and times. Like you the were a few numbers and I found it interesting to see how of the 4 nummbers I was less used on any particular day or time, indicating (with some assumtion) my wife was with that 1 person and texting the other three.
> 
> ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

demala said:


> we're young, early 20s. She is air force. I do not have any way to go see her. Sadly I agree with you and I think you really hit the mark with this Entropy. We haven't been married long, almost a year but we've both put a lot of effort into it and no kids or previous affairs. Most of the people she works with are married, I do not know any of them but I do have info on 1 of the numbers that texts her a lot, he is married and I might reach out to him or his wife even about this late night texting if she doesn't come clean about it.


Uh-oh. When I saw Air Force and TDY, I had to respond.

I spent 25 years in the Air Force and we have this saying...what goes TDY, stays TDY - what do you think that means?

She is probably flirting and having EAs with the men she is texting--sorry. It's why she is detaching from you and spending time with them.

You need to get a handle on this NOW. I've seen marriages in the military break up over this very thing. One of them goes TDY or deploys and it doesn't always make the heart grow fonder, know what I mean?

Get on top of it now.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Are you near an Air Force base? If so, call the base operator and ask to speak to the Airman & Family Readiness Center. When you get them, ask to speak to the Military Family Life Consultant (MFLC) for short, they offer free counseling (marriage also) to members and their family members. 

It might help to speak to someone and they can offer you a shoulder and free advice.

Good luck sweetie, you're gonna need it.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Everyone is being slightly vague here because they don't want to alarm you. I think you need to wake up. Your wife has lost respect for you which means you've lost her emotionally. Your old ways of communicating will not get her back. When she comes back she's proabably going to tell you that she has been dating or courting someone else. The first two times she cried to you she was in grief over the end of your relationship or she had a ton of guilt. The third time she talked to you she was in the acceptance phase. If you don't get a job you'll have little chance to get her back. I woundn't chase her because she will see that as pathetic. Like others have said you need to distance yourself and begin to prepare for an exit. If you have to move to get a job then do it.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Yes I am going to talk to the counseling today good help there.

Enginerd I agree with you and I have been getting prepared to exit. I am trying not to be seen as pathetic to her but I feel only a few things I have done might be seen that way. I have woken up, I did way over a week ago when she started to stop making an effort to talk to me.

I am being strong I feel and forward with my thoughts. I've been totally open and upfront to her and at first I wasn't mad I just wanted answers to which she replied I don't know, she said she doesn't know whats wrong with her and that she really thought it wouldn't be a big deal if she didn't talk to me every day all day. Which obviously I know we can't talk all day but we can should every day I mean she did marry me I told her I expected it and it was dumb I even had to bring up the fact that she puts others over me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

demala said:


> I do not know who this other number is, I sorta have a good idea though. Its this guy and he is not married but I think he has a girlfriend back here I'm not sure and this is speculation. I plan on staying very cool and talking to her and leading the conversation into seeing if she will lie or just plain answer at all.
> 
> We have talked about boundaries, not before the trip which I now regret. (really didn't think we'd have this problem I was there for her waiting through basic and tech school) She had a boyfriend when she was young like 17-18 yrs old that joined the army. They were about to be engaged when his OW contacted her telling her that he was now engaged to this OW. She has always said she would never cheat because of how she felt after that and wouldn't do it to someone else.
> 
> ...


You should not threaten her about her dog. That is just wrong on too many levels.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

demala said:


> the guy said:
> 
> 
> > Well the good thing is all that texting indicates she was most likely home and not with him. The bad thing here is when the texting stops then she most like is with OM.
> ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> You should not threaten her about her dog. That is just wrong on too many levels.


I really hate to say this, but it appears that probably neither one of you are really mature enough at this time in your lives to be married.

Something you might want to talk to the counselor about. Seriously. You're both young, plenty of life ahead of you both.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I bleed Navy Blue and Gold. I am as proud of my service as anyhthng I have done in my life. I have a special love for military folks period. Brothers in arms and all of that.

That said, when anyone ever asks me about marrying a very young person in the militray I could not recommend it. Too many extra stresses. Too much separation. Too much infidelity. Age and experience makes a big difference IMO but it is not the only issue for sure.

No doubt some folks pull this off. But you are seeing the issues right out of the gate.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

demala said:


> Yes I am going to talk to the counseling today good help there.
> 
> Enginerd I agree with you and I have been getting prepared to exit. I am trying not to be seen as pathetic to her but I feel only a few things I have done might be seen that way. I have woken up, I did way over a week ago when she started to stop making an effort to talk to me.
> 
> I am being strong I feel and forward with my thoughts. I've been totally open and upfront to her and at first I wasn't mad I just wanted answers to which she replied I don't know, she said she doesn't know whats wrong with her and that she really thought it wouldn't be a big deal if she didn't talk to me every day all day. Which obviously I know we can't talk all day but we can should every day I mean she did marry me I told her I expected it and it was dumb I even had to bring up the fact that she puts others over me.


Good to hear your starting to protect yourself. The sheer volume of texts she's sending to another dude is not acceptable for a married women under any circumstances. She's just playing dumb right now. The "idunno" answers are ridiculous. She knows exactly whats going on, but can't find the courage to tell you. I think you should be the one to initiate a split. Take control of your life. You have no kids and your still young. There's no reason to put up with this now. My advice would be different if you had children.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Ok the dog thing is true though as much as I love the little guy neither of us could take care of it if we split. Plus it will be a huge blow to her and I think maybe wake her up that it has come to this.

Yes we are young, my sister is an air force spouse and got married when she was 19. My Bro in law is now some kind of sgt. and he use to be gone long amounts of time and yes it was hard on them but that was 12 years ago and they're still happily married and I have a beautiful niece. I guess they just worked harder at communicating while he was away.

I knew what I was signing up for when I married her and we've always had a very strong honest relationship but I think being young is the issue, I think she likes her freedom over there and is enjoying and has probably thought if I wasn't married I could be like this 24/7. 

Thanks for the subject of the UCMJ because I will definitely do that if it comes down to it, I have their sgt. number. 

I also just got back from seeing a counselor. I told the whole story and was recommended to not confront her but to instead try to open up first with more conversation and mend this issue. Try to say things like "I really miss you can we skype I haven't seen you in over 2 weeks, I just want to look at you." 

Because I know she has already shut down, and if the conversation even happens today which I texted her this morning "good morning babe I hope you slept well" and haven't got a response. I hope she will make the time to call me today. 

I was also told that I should try to go out there, which you guys also recommended and I think I am going to try. I am going to ask a few favors from family members for the air fare and go out there. I will wait to tell her this until we've either talked more.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

While I understand the counselor's logic in suggesting the, "I miss you. Can we Skype?" approach, I personally think the time for that has passed. Your wife has already disconnected and sees you as subordinate to her and the OM. Asking her nicely to chat with you online because you miss her will simply reinforce that perception to her. The talk needs to happen. And there may be a fine line to walk in getting it to happen. She will continue to beg off of the conversation because she's "tired," yet continue to text/call (or worse) the OM into the wee hours of the morning/. While you don't want to til your hand as to the resources you're using to get information, at some point you may just have to say, "Why are you too tired to talk to me about the survival of our marriage, but not too tired to chat with this guy til dawn?"

It's a tricky road to walk, and we all make missteps on this journey. But, it can certainly be worth it, no matter the outcome being you stay together or split.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

It's time to call her out on her nonsense. With her being away another six weeks it's only going to get worse. It's time to play hard ball. If this other man has a wife you need to take every measure to have communication with her. Your wife needs to speak to you today/tonight uninterupted. If she tells you again she's too tired you hit her with well maybe that's due to all your text messaging into the early morning hours. If she asks you how you know you tell her it's time to stop the bs and level with you.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I wouldn't tell her I was coming. I would just show up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Haha I thought about that, I might do that for real.

I have brought up to her before how she always says she's tired and I told her well don't stay up so late you need to take care of yourself and have goals do something hobby-ish and exercise like you said you wanted to.

This is not happening though, she is devoting all of her time to socializing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Indeed some people make it.

But be aware that a young woman in her position is going to be under constant pressure to slip her boundaries by a large group of guys who are in constant contact with her. I contend it is not exactly what your sister is having to contend with but you are.

In general workplace EAs are rampant. Put folks in the charged atmosphere like the military with its isolation from spouses and it is just insane.

So great that you went into this with eyes wide open. I hope so because you are going to see a lot. I hope it works out for your both.



> I also just got back from seeing a counselor. I told the whole story and was recommended to not confront her but to instead try to open up first with more conversation and mend this issue. Try to say things like "I really miss you can we skype I haven't seen you in over 2 weeks, I just want to look at you."


sigh


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Its getting close to her being off work and she hasn't texted me. I did text her this morning just casually saying good morning. Should I text her soon to see if she is going to call me? Or should I just wait.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you should stop pursuing and get on a plane and show up unannounced. She's clearly ignoring you and dumping you out of her life. Either show up and demand change or file for D.

You've already tried talking nice to her and encouraging her to make you a priority.

She has chosen not to.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Ya I looked at flights for this month and I don't have 600+ dollars to do that. Next month I can but it would be hard for me to show up right now.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

demala said:


> Ya I looked at flights for this month and I don't have 600+ dollars to do that. Next month I can but it would be hard for me to show up right now.


Then you need to blow this thing up as soon as possible. I would send her a short and sweet text saying the following.

_Enough..you and I both know we need to talk. _


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

How about taking the bus?

Southwest is pretty cheap.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

How long would a bus take to go across the whole country?


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Is there anyway I could be like "I got this weird text from an unknown number and all it said was FWD FWD "insert this guys number". Do you know that number? 

Not a good example of text but does anyone have help with creating a scenario that I can say the number and ask her if she knows it?


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

demala said:


> Is there anyway I could be like "I got this weird text from an unknown number and all it said was FWD FWD "insert this guys number". Do you know that number?
> 
> Not a good example of text but does anyone have help with creating a scenario that I can say the number and ask her if she knows it?


Why beat around the bush. Your wife knows what she is doing, knows it's wrong, and I think she would see that as a weak way of you trying to trip her up.

I think the direct approach is better. Even without the content of her texts, she is placing you at a much lower priority as the person(s) she is communicating with.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Ya I am going to be direct. I just don't think she will care if I bring it up again that she has put him and others higher than me. Its messed up but I think its her way of being gone. Her survival philosophy or something. I have sent her another text and haven't got a reply but she's only replied to one other person #B since I texted her. I think her phone might have been dead cause theres like a huge gap in the times.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

Demala I really feel for you bro, If I was in your position I would not be handling this as calmly as you. 
goodluck what ever the out come ,I hope for your sake there is a totally innocent explaination for all this but dude it does not look good.
Hope for the best,prepare for the worst.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

I agree with you snipey I am hoping for the best but I doubt I will get a clear answer and that this will not be so good. Regardless I must know. I do know that once its in the open I don't think she will stop and it will be over.


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## snipey (Aug 16, 2012)

I work away a lot and call my wife when ever I can especially at bed time. Even when I'm in the field for weeks on end I will try to charge my phone somehow and sneak off some where just to say goodnight I love you.
What your going through is totally unacceptable and she needs to know that. Talking about such things over the phone is not easy trust me its very easy to get into an arguement when your not together and its not like you can have a cuddle to make things better so you have to be ready to be very cool calm and collective dont say anything nasty but at the same time you need answers so be assertive and strong just becarefull how you word stuff.
Let her know how you feel but don't come across as weak or needy
you are the man in here life and as far as your concerned the only man, and if not she needs to decide what or who she wants and you should not have to wait for an answer she either wants you or not. Then its up to you decide if you still want her.
I'm still hoping there is a good explaination and all will be well for you both.


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## demala (Aug 16, 2012)

Finally resolution, good and bad. But at least I feel like 1million times better. We have decided to get a divorce. At first it was like pulling teeth to get her to open up. I asked her about the numbers and she told me straight up who they were. 

I know that some of you won't believe what she said but I do, I don't care if you think I'm a sucker or not. I don't feel like typing out about what it was just people with problems she was talking to. 

Like I said it was hard to get her to talk but the longer it went on I was getting somewhere she finally said she hadn't been talking to me because she was worried about me. I ask her worried about what? She said it wasn't the time to talk about it. I keep getting her closer and closer until I said well if you're worried about then its bad news.

So finally she says yes, I don't think getting married was the best thing. Being with you is good but we shouldn't have done it. I say good I'm glad you opened up. From that point on the conversation totally changed it became completely open and light. Of course I am sad but at least I wasn't cheated on and didn't have to spend more time feeling so horrible.

I tell her do you love me like that anymore she says I care about you and I say well I care about you to but I don't think its good if you feel this way we should divorce. There was never any negativity during this conversation. 

I asked her how long she had felt this way, she said being on the trip and being young and not being home living the married life has changed her mind. She said had been eating her up and felt like a horrible person.

I believe her. I don't think she cheated at all. Mainly because she didn't try to hide anything about the numbers and so on. 

It sucks, but I could not ask for a better divorce situation. 

Thank you for all your time and concern and mostly advice. 

She shut down because she didn't think it was fair to tell me she wanted to divorce me while she was gone. I told her I'd rather know now and I agreed with her because we are young like most of you had said and this life is full of absurd times and these things happen. 

Say what you will but I will not be checking this forum anymore seeing as how I am now free from this thing called marriage.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

demala said:


> Finally resolution, good and bad. But at least I feel like 1million times better. We have decided to get a divorce. At first it was like pulling teeth to get her to open up. I asked her about the numbers and she told me straight up who they were.
> 
> I know that some of you won't believe what she said but I do, I don't care if you think I'm a sucker or not. I don't feel like typing out about what it was just people with problems she was talking to.
> 
> ...


Sad, but as you say probably the best under the circumstances.

All the best.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

A marriage dies but unfortunately another spouse walks away refusing to see the obvious. The guys are not friends with problems unless the problems they have are who can gain her attention the most.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Please do the right thing and notify the wives of the men she is texting about her.

They are cheating and the wives need to be warned.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Glad this is going to be over for you.

Yes this all about an affair situation. History rewriting probab;y but at the least the realization that she wanted a different life style. Maybe she was hoping you would just be a noce little hubby there when she came back from deployments. Whatever.

So yeah get your life together. Next time be more sure about a lifetime comittment. That the next person can handle it.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

be prepared for her to cut you off financially and start trash talking you to family.

she won't be playing nice much longer.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm glad you have a resolution one way or another. Sorry it was this one but life is crappy like that sometimes.

But you know what...you deserve a woman that loves you completely. This one clearly does not. I know it's cliché but there are plenty of awesome women at there that will be a real wife to you.

Good luck.


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