# Don't know what to do.



## how (Mar 11, 2013)

Long story short (maybe):

My wife had an affair. We separated, she still was seeing the guy for about three months after that. She broke up with him and told me she wanted to try and work things out. Admittedly, I made some mistakes and was the one pursuing her 99% of the time. She barely pursued me at all. We were separated for approx. 18 months. She moved back in Oct. 2012. Things went well for about 2 months and now we have been stuck in a rut since then.

We have talked about "the state of our marriage" about 3 or 4 times since she came back. She informed me last Monday night that she really didn't love me the way a wife should love a husband and that the real reason she came back was for our 2 kids. She went on to tell me that she thought that once she moved back in "things would just fall into place and they haven't." She hit me with the dreaded, I love you but I'm not in love with you. She also stated that she doesn't want us to be miserable for the rest of our lives (I agree) and as of now doesn't feel like we would be married ten years from now. Also, does not think that we can recover and have a good marriage after everything we have been through. She is still holding a grudge against me from things that happened before the separation and during the separation before we started "trying to get back together". 

My responses to these things were: I think that our marriage can be better than ever and these trials can draw us closer if we work through them together. Love is not a feeling but a choice, you can choose to love me. Things can't just fall into place, you have to work at it. She must forgive me for my transgressions in the past and judge me based on my actions since Oct. I also told her that I will not force her to stay. 

I love this woman with all of my heart. I have forgiven her for what she has done. She has abided by my no contact rule with the guy and a few other things that I asked her to do. I feel that I have made all of the changes that she complained about during the separation with the way I treated her, helping her around the house more, etc. It's weird because our relationship is better in every aspect now compared to what it was (friendship and communication) except for the intimacy aspect. She shows me no affection except for hug/kiss hello/goodbye/goodnight.

I'm a Christian and do not want a divorce. I am trying to keep plugging along and make myself a better man, husband, and father. She seems to not be trying at all to work on the intimacy part of our relationship. Should I just give up or keep trying until the very end (That's what I feel I should do)?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You feel like you firmly established yourself as Plan B?

Hey, Plan A with posOM didn't work out, so now I'll go on back to "good old" How, because he will take me back no matter what.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, your wife has zero respect for you. She came back because you pleaded and begged so she figured, why not? I'll go back to him till someone better comes along.

You gave her no reason not to cheat again. So she probably is. By 'trying', what you mean is enabling her to keep treating you like a doormat.


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## how (Mar 11, 2013)

You're right. I'm started reading NMMNG today. Its enlightening to say the least. I have to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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