# Grumpy husband! so moody!



## amanda1959

We have had our share of bad times and have been married for 26 years some happy years some not so good at all. Lately my husband is so extremely grumpy. He is coming home and constantly criticizing my 22 year old son and I. We can't seem to do anything right. My husband is extremely abusive to me by saying I must have had a really busy day because I didn,t get to ironing something that was on a chair from the previous laundry evening. I don't keep the bedrrom door closed and air conditioning is affected etc etc trivial and small things like this or a couple of dishes are left in the sink just a multitude of small nip picky things like this.....Why do you think he is doing this? I have asked him over and over to not sweat the small things but I am wearing thin! He is also always putting my son down and he is a good kid finished university and has a good job now....
What could be making my husband so miserable at home but yet Mr Charming EVERYWHERE else! Could he be bipolar or depressed?


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## costa200

His job! What does he do in life?


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## amanda1959

yes it is always his "f"ing job never enough financial sucess but the family has always suffered the brunt of this frustration of his. I question if his behaviour would be better towards us if he had more money? is it ever enough? what if he never reaches his personal pie in the sky? such a pathetic way to live never really recognizing true happiness and abusing those around you because of this fixation.


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## srtjm

MC and IC. He needs to learn that He Has to Stop taking his family for granted. If he thinks finaces are bad now, what if he was having to pay Alimony and Child support.


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## AFEH

Is it telling that you’ve used the possessive “my” son and not the collective “our” son expression? Is your son a bit of a mummy’s boy who shows no sign of leaving home?

If your H feels it’s you and your son first (as you are coming across) as a “team” and him second and isolated then for sure he will feel grumpy about that and may well think there’s nothing to be done about it. Plus at the age of 22 your son should be showing signs of being well away from your home and cutting out his own life. If he isn’t your H may well be hung up about that as well.

Also it seems like your H isn’t sharing the housework and is expecting the home to be in pristine condition. Does that mean you don’t work and are a stay at home mum, even though your son is twenty-two? If that is the case and the finances are tough, that too will make him grumpy.


Is he at the mid-life stage? If he is and the finances are wrong, he doesn’t like his job, has a wife and son he feels are against him, a wife that doesn’t work to help him out with the finances, and he can’t see any way out of it and things just “look bad” then for sure that will make him feel grumpy.


What are you doing to help him out with the finances and to cheer him up?


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## MEM2020

Amanda,
Apologize in advance if my assumptions are flawed. Asking all the questions at once is faster but more error prone. And this doesn't mean he gets to be a jerk. It might mean that you have a role in this.

Is he angry about his income, or angry about his retirement timeline? 
Is he angry about his income, or the amount he/you are able to save every month?
Is he the sole breadwinner? Or the primary? Either way, did he fund some, much or all of your sons university?
Was your son appreciative for that? Did your son get really good grades to show his gratitude for being helped win school?






amanda1959 said:


> We have had our share of bad times and have been married for 26 years some happy years some not so good at all. Lately my husband is so extremely grumpy. He is coming home and constantly criticizing my 22 year old son and I. We can't seem to do anything right. My husband is extremely abusive to me by saying I must have had a really busy day because I didn,t get to ironing something that was on a chair from the previous laundry evening. I don't keep the bedrrom door closed and air conditioning is affected etc etc trivial and small things like this or a couple of dishes are left in the sink just a multitude of small nip picky things like this.....Why do you think he is doing this? I have asked him over and over to not sweat the small things but I am wearing thin! He is also always putting my son down and he is a good kid finished university and has a good job now....
> What could be making my husband so miserable at home but yet Mr Charming EVERYWHERE else! Could he be bipolar or depressed?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

amanda1959 said:


> yes it is always his "f"ing job never enough financial sucess but the family has always suffered the brunt of this frustration of his. I question if his behaviour would be better towards us if he had more money? is it ever enough? what if he never reaches his personal pie in the sky? such a pathetic way to live never really recognizing true happiness and abusing those around you because of this fixation.


Is he self employed or does he have a boss?


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## amanda1959

ok to answer all questions my 22 year old son is our son who works and is a respectable working employee who shared in the costs of his university education and recieved good grades throughout school. My husband works with a business partner at a growing green tech company although it is seemingly not growing fast enough for my husbands liking. I am fully employed as a teacher but he is resentful that I have the month of July off. (receive uic)throughout the school year my pay goes directly into our joint account for expenses etc. I don't keep a penny to myself.

My husband is grumpy and says things that are cruel and unnessary and are petty and trivial. When he comes home there is always something wrong in the house. He shares in the household chores actually he has the problem of never sitting still. He comes home and always finds other things to do never watches TV or sits for a meal. Spends alot of time at work goes shopping after work and then comes home cuts grass, goes back out to do banking erands or works from home in home office. Not alot of time for "Us". I ask to go for walks and he will comply if his list of things are done.Then I think I am bothering him and taking up his time to go for a walk together when he doesn't always look happy walking with me. He can be grumpy then too. He is alwyas grumpy actually now that I think of it. He is never really happy around me. I make dinner most nights and clean up after him. I am not a slob. I do my share of housework I work and we have sex, so I just don't know what to do about his moodiness. It is really getting to me.

What is MC and IC mean?

W


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## StatusQuo

MC = Marriage counseling
IC = Individual counseling


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## rj700

So he owns the business with a partner or works for someone? If he is co-owner, how long? I can be moody and grumpy & work used to play a bit part as it was high-stress. Still doesn't excuse his behavior (didn't excuse mine either). But knowing the source can help.

You said he was "Mr Charming EVERYWHERE else!". Curious how you know this.


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## amanda1959

Oh counseling ofcourse. We are no stranger to counselling both marriage and individual. At this point and what our marriage has been through I believe I will not go back to counselling. It seems to work in the moment and then things resort back to the same pattern again.
I am rethinkinking this marriage now. Alot of times this marriage has derailed and by this time in our lives I had hoped we would have come to a place where we treasured and appreciated eachother.

I am tired of always being the one to strive for emotional intimacy.

I would venture to say he is perhaps feeling older less attractive and not as successful as he wants to be. I can't seem to make him feel better he is unhappy with himself and takes it out on me.

He needs the help but he won't ask for it so what is a wife supposed to do take the abusive behaviour. 

I need more respect....


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## amanda1959

I know he is charming to others because I have been married to him for close to 30 years. When we are out I watch how he interacts with others and it is always charming. At dinner parties he charms the waitresses right in front of me. He is always ready and willing to mentor younger female business colleagues, helping with resumes and suggesting career paths etc. He belongs to two boards where he loves the interaction with people and thrives on the process of board membership etc. He is very social but when he comes home that all changes...he turns into a grumpy caveman. Split personality Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde


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## MarriedTex

Does he have any hobbies? Does he have hobbies that he abandoned long ago that he has not returned to?

Sounds like he's treating home as just another workplace, complete with the checklist of things that "need" to be done. It may get so bad that he sees walks, watching TV - even sex - as just more "chores" that must be done before he can embrace his passions.

Does he like sports? Maybe get you and him tickets a ballgame. Does he like the beach? Plan a weekend getaway for the two of you. I know it's like mind-reading with us guys sometimes to figure out what we "like" to do. The goal maybe is to work to shift his outlook on home not as somewhere he "has" to go but somewhere he "gets" to go. It appears something has been lost in that translation along the way.


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## Enginerd

amanda1959 said:


> I know he is charming to others because I have been married to him for close to 30 years. When we are out I watch how he interacts with others and it is always charming. At dinner parties he charms the waitresses right in front of me. He is always ready and willing to mentor younger female business colleagues, helping with resumes and suggesting career paths etc. He belongs to two boards where he loves the interaction with people and thrives on the process of board membership etc. He is very social but when he comes home that all changes...he turns into a grumpy caveman. Split personality Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde


He's unhappy with the marriage. It could be because he's unhappy with himself but that's a chicken vs. egg thing. He's doing everything in his power to not spend time with you once he's at home. He probably wants out of your marriage but doesn't think he can afford it yet. The fact that he's nice to everyone but you and your son is very telling. You're right to be concerned about this. I'm betting your sex life is non existant as well. Does he have any honest conversations with you regarding your marriage these days?


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## RandomDude

Sh-t...

You pretty much described me since I've quit the alcohol! lol
Though for me I annoyed my workers mostly not the missus and kid

Right now I'm planning a "GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE" trip with them to catch up on lost time together and hopefully - heal my workaholism. Maybe your husband can do the same.



> Sounds like he's treating home as just another workplace, complete with the checklist of things that "need" to be done. It may get so bad that he sees walks, watching TV - even sex - as just more "chores" that must be done before he can embrace his passions.


Now this thread is hitting close to home...


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## AFEH

amanda1959 said:


> I know he is charming to others because I have been married to him for close to 30 years. When we are out I watch how he interacts with others and it is always charming. At dinner parties he charms the waitresses right in front of me. He is always ready and willing to mentor younger female business colleagues, helping with resumes and suggesting career paths etc. He belongs to two boards where he loves the interaction with people and thrives on the process of board membership etc. He is very social but when he comes home that all changes...he turns into a grumpy caveman. Split personality Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde


After 30 years together you both may well have stacked up a lot of resentment for each other. Resentment is a strong dislike for your partner and a high residual anger.

Do either of you show/demonstrate any anger at all? If not you both may be passive types of people and if so your anger and aggression will be of a covert nature. For example your H’s grumpiness around you may well be his passive/covert way of punishing you for something from the past.

If you are both passive types (Hedgehogs) there will be, after 30 years, absolutely loads of unresolved problems/issues between you for which you are both consciously and subconsciously punishing each other. It’s like the marriage is dying a slow and painful death but that, at the moment, the pain felt by both of you is not enough to actually end the marriage.

You may want to take note of the fact that you’ve not mentioned any love you have for your husband, any respect you have for him or any appreciation you have for the things he does for you and your son. But it’s even more than that you just don’t seem to have any love, respect or appreciation for what he does outside of your immediate family either. In fact you seem to be resentful of how he does behave outside of the family. Maybe he feels the same way about you.


Ask yourself if you are still in love with him. If not then ask yourself do you still love him and want to be in love with him. If not then end the marriage and find love elsewhere. If you are in love with him or want to be in love with him, then ask him if he wants to be in love with you. If he answers yes, then book yourself on The Marriage Course - Explore Alpha Marriage Course | Alpha USA and see if with the help of others you can both rekindle your love and get those loving feelings back.


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