# Needing Insight from the LD's or their spouses!



## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

I have some friends who are having some struggles, which I can relate to in a way but on the HD side of things because I am the more HD one in my relationship also... 

So I am wanting some insight or advice from LD people....

1. For this LD person, sex is considered stressful and overwhelming and they feel like they are forced to do it or obligated because their spouse is an HD at least 5 days a week type person, how can sex be made loving and bonding and less stressful and how can the LD person start to enjoy the act again? 
2. What happens when the LD person will not compromise and realize how important often sex is to their spouse or even discuss things further than "I now associate it with pressure and stress"?


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> I have some friends who are having some struggles, which I can relate to in a way but on the HD side of things because I am the more HD one in my relationship also...
> 
> So I am wanting some insight or advice from LD people....
> 
> ...


1. I have no idea, I am HD and trying to understand my LD wife.
2. If the discussion has been had and there is repeated vague answers and or no attempts to work on the issue, a resentment bubble builds. I can only speak from a few years experience, but its lonely and you feel like your on an island by yourself. 

Maybe a LD has some reasoning or insight.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

There are as many answers to these questions as there are garage bands in Seattle. It all depends on the situation, and what's driving the low libido issue--i.e. hormones, resentment, natural asexuality, religious issues, etc etc.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> 1. I have no idea, I am HD and trying to understand my LD wife.
> 2. If the discussion has been had and there is repeated vague answers and or no attempts to work on the issue, a resentment bubble builds. I can only speak from a few years experience, but its lonely and you feel like your on an island by yourself.
> 
> Maybe a LD has some reasoning or insight.


Have you had a serious talk with your LD wife and told her how important sex and intimacy is to you as an HD person? How did she respond? Are you actively working on it together, if so is anything working or improving the situation for you?


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> There are as many answers to these questions as there are garage bands in Seattle. It all depends on the situation, and what's driving the low libido issue--i.e. hormones, resentment, natural asexuality, religious issues, etc etc.


So, since the situation is that sex has become "forced too often" and an "obligation" rather than a want how do you tackle that?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

One of the better threads addressing these kinds of issues is: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/159337-ld-women-please-chime.html

Especially look for posts by MEM11363 - I believe they contain some excellent advice above and beyond the often great advice given here by some very wise people.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> One of the better threads addressing these kinds of issues is: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/159337-ld-women-please-chime.html
> 
> Especially look for posts by MEM11363 - I believe they contain some excellent advice above and beyond the often great advice given here by some very wise people.


AH thank you so much I will definitely look into it and find those posts!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> 1. I have no idea, I am HD and trying to understand my LD wife.
> 2. If the discussion has been had and there is repeated vague answers and or no attempts to work on the issue, a resentment bubble builds. I can only speak from a few years experience, but its lonely and you feel like your on an island by yourself.
> 
> Maybe a LD has some reasoning or insight.


I've had a lot of long term relationships. Of course it's great if the ladies sex drive is equally high as yours, and she's ripping your clothes off because she's going to fill her NEED right now!!!!

Many times after some time the husbands are the HD ones, but many of the wives get into it after a short period of time in the sex act. And it's not absolute torture and degredation for them, it actually feels good. They just didn't know they wanted it when you started.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I do not think that you can. 

_"1. For this LD person, sex is considered stressful and overwhelming and they feel like they are forced to do it or obligated because their spouse is an HD at least 5 days a week type person, how can sex be made loving and bonding and less stressful and how can the LD person start to enjoy the act again?"_

They are only doing it because they feel that they have to. They tend to believe that their spouses only want to do it to get their jollies and not because of a real need or love. 



_"2. What happens when the LD person will not compromise and realize how important often sex is to their spouse or even discuss things further than "I now associate it with pressure and stress"?"_

They build a deep layer of resentment in the marriage that often leads to divorce or emotional emptiness. 

It would sure be nice if we could just convince people to change their behavior to be in tune with their partners (in either direction whether more or less sex) Any rational person is going to believe that there is some compromise in between (as long as both spouses are in reasonable good health both mentally and physically. The truth is that people only change when they see a need to or their body changes.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

THANK YOU! For the replies...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> THANK YOU! For the replies...


One argument is that sex will keep him looking younger, it will raise and increase his testosterone levels, it will bleed off and diminish stress from life, and you can consider it a form of excersize.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

treyvion said:


> One argument is that sex will keep him looking younger, it will raise and increase his testosterone levels, it will bleed off and diminish stress from life, and you can consider it a form of excersize.


Definitely an interesting approach!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Definitely an interesting approach!


It's kinda stupid to not do it, or to forget you like it to me.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I remember my first wife being the LD. At times, I wanted it more than she did. I've always wondered if this isn't easier for a woman than a man? This is going to sound vulgar, and I don't mean to do that. I'm not sure how to phrase it properly. Please be advised.
> 
> Can't a woman, even without arousal, while using a bit of lube, allow a man to insert and do his thing? Don't the muscles of a woman, naturally, if gently inserted, relax and allow painless penetration? Don't they then, naturally constrict around whatever is inserted? The woman may not orgasm or become aroused by this, but it is possible for a man to accomplish his goal in this manner, isn't it?
> 
> ...


Hmm, it didn't quote right, but I kind of wanted to address your thoughts in blue, in the OP quote.
From how you describe it, sex like that should be easy and painless. And it might be for some women, I can only speak for me. 
But I've been there and done that, and if my HD partner isn't meeting the emotional needs that lead to wanting sex with him, just "stickin' it in" makes me feel worthless and empty, not to mention in excruciating pain. 
All the lube in the world doesn't help if I'm not in the right state of mine. 

Just because all a woman has to do is lie there and 'get filled', doesn't mean it's _easy_ for her.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> I didn't see this question or the answers.
> I am not sure who wrote the stuff in blue? And this post was for friends having troubles, but I can relate because I am EXTREMELY HD and my husband is only HD.
> 
> How old are you and your husband?
> ...


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> No, I don't think it is easy. Sorry if I came across that way. I just wondered, if it could be painless, since I thought, falsely apparently, that a woman could, if enough lube was used, allow insertion if done slowly. I guess you aren't like that? I suppose it's too subjective to answer in general terms. I didn't know that. So, it's painful to get an exam down their? It's painful to use a tampon? Maybe that's because of the smaller size of the tampon and natural lubrication? I really am trying to understand this, not be a smart ass.
> 
> So, when a LD woman is told that she should just let her husband do it, she is really allowing him to give her pain?


I guess it just depends on the person, for me it is never painful even if I am not wet enough, with lube or spit I am usually fine. And I am a pretty tight person I would say, still very young and it has never been an issue for me and never been any pain!


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Sex for me when I'm not aroused, even with lots of lube, is not comfortable. It isn't excruciating, but it isn't fun either. H and I tried this many times over the years and it was an empty, unfulfilling attempt to solve our problem. Neither of us enjoyed the experience.

I don't even know how LD men would attempt duty sex, is that even possible?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> Sex for me when I'm not aroused, even with lots of lube, is not comfortable. It isn't excruciating, but it isn't fun either. H and I tried this many times over the years and it was an empty, unfulfilling attempt to solve our problem. Neither of us enjoyed the experience.
> 
> I don't even know how LD men would attempt duty sex, is that even possible?


They can be stimulated to an erection and perform the act or they can perform manual or oral service to their wife.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

Giro flee said:


> Sex for me when I'm not aroused, even with lots of lube, is not comfortable. It isn't excruciating, but it isn't fun either. H and I tried this many times over the years and it was an empty, unfulfilling attempt to solve our problem. Neither of us enjoyed the experience.
> 
> I don't even know how LD men would attempt duty sex, is that even possible?


Normally, if I am not into it (which is rare, maybe twice a year) and then we actually start I will become immediately into it so I never feel like I have had empty or unfulfilling sex. I know my husband sometimes feels obligated to meet my expecially HD needs when I am in overdrive and duty sex is possible for men I think, if they can get it up! Or they can just please you with oral or touching!


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

treyvion said:


> They can be stimulated to an erection and perform the act or they can perform manual or oral service to their wife.


:iagree: That is almost exactly what I just commented! Most men I think, (at least my husband definitely can) be stimulated to an erection especially with massaging or oral!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> :iagree: That is almost exactly what I just commented! Most men I think, (at least my husband definitely can) be stimulated to an erection especially with massaging or oral!


If you can't be stimulated to an erection with oral your d1ck must be DEAD!

Unless it is a same sex or elephant man of a human being...


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> No, I don't think it is easy. Sorry if I came across that way. I just wondered, if it could be painless, since I thought, falsely apparently, that a woman could, if enough lube was used, allow insertion if done slowly. I guess you aren't like that? I suppose it's too subjective to answer in general terms. I didn't know that. So, it's painful to get an exam down their? It's painful to use a tampon? Maybe that's because of the smaller size of the tampon and natural lubrication? I really am trying to understand this, not be a smart ass.
> 
> So, when a LD woman is told that she should just let her husband do it, she is really allowing him to give her pain?


I think it's a case of varying by woman. For me, it's very painful. Early on in our relationship, I'd been in tears due to pain down there AND hurt because my SO didn't seem to care about me, just getting his rocks off. 

So for our relationship, it's essential that he meet my emotional needs so I can meet his physical ones. I struggle very much with associating sex with love, and I need the love need met in other areas. When he falls down on his job, I fall down on mine. 

Going back to the second part of OP's opening post (which I had a long response to that my computer ate  ), both my partner and I have to be committed to communicating our needs and be open to compromise or it falls apart. I can't clam up and say 'this is stressful, you have a hand for a reason, go away' and my spouse can't just inform me that we're having sex twice a day because that's just how it is. We have to work through it as a couple and find solutions we can both be happy with, even if they're a little out of the box. 
The initial talk was hard, especially for me, but once we got through it, our relationship has really blossomed.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> This was what I thought was the, "norm". I know every woman is different.
> 
> I didn't know you were so young. So many threads here are about HD and LD and they seem to be troubles with older folks. Maybe I just didn't ask ages enough or they weren't added.
> 
> ...


Yes lots of people are suprised by my age. I promise you I do not behave like the typical 19 year old  I am an older soul, I am already settled down with a baby and I am a Marketing Coordinator for State Farm in Texas! I'd say I am just one step ahead of the game! I wouldn't say that I am having too many issues in the sex department, the post was more for friends but has definitely been very insightful for me and I have kind of used it to get my own advice :smthumbup: Again, I wouldn't consider my husband LD, he is an HD, I think I just may be a unique woman in wanting sex that often! 3-4 times a week is definitely satisfying me and I can live with it. But I will use the advice to have even more pleasure!  Thank you!!! I LOVE spicing things up in the bedroom and we have a bag of toys and outfits for me to wear and I initiate a lot and try and suprise him and do kinky and unexpected things and I know he is very satisfied but I will definitely try being more of a tease and letting him chase me. I will also visit being less aggressive and teasing during the actual pleasure part, maybe that can increase his drive and make him think about sex more!


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Trey, low T combined with emotional abuse, medications which lower ability to perform, health issues and feeling like you are not enough for the woman, in body or mind, is more than enough. I literally had times, I wanted her so badly, and could not perform with oral or any other stimulation. No porn, no nothing did it. Even masturbation made very little difference. I tried to do it myself and it didn't always work. I had to be really desperate for it to work. The doctors all said I was fine, but I knew I wasn't. One said shots, but I could not afford them. I'm not comfortable with giving them to myself or anyone else. She would not do it and would not help pay for the T since my levels were right at 300 and insurance would not cover. So, it was even more than my T levels. It was much more. I know I still need them. I love sex within a committed relationship. Love, love, love. I was adventurous and willing to talk, first, and compromise. I tried many things. Doctor would not prescribe ED meds. Refused. Said it was me. I got screwed, and it wasn't nice.


Thanks for replying this! I agree some T problems, medicine, or abuse could contribute. Did you move past these problems/how?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Yes lots of people are suprised by my age. I promise you I do not behave like the typical 19 year old  I am an older soul, I am already settled down with a baby and I am a Marketing Coordinator for State Farm in Texas! I'd say I am just one step ahead of the game! I wouldn't say that I am having too many issues in the sex department, the post was more for friends but has definitely been very insightful for me and I have kind of used it to get my own advice :smthumbup: Again, I wouldn't consider my husband LD, he is an HD, I think I just may be a unique woman in wanting sex that often! 3-4 times a week is definitely satisfying me and I can live with it. But I will use the advice to have even more pleasure!  Thank you!!! I LOVE spicing things up in the bedroom and we have a bag of toys and outfits for me to wear and I initiate a lot and try and suprise him and do kinky and unexpected things and I know he is very satisfied but I will definitely try being more of a tease and letting him chase me. I will also visit being less aggressive and teasing during the actual pleasure part, maybe that can increase his drive and make him think about sex more!


I suggest some naughty play and discussion during the day.

I'm currently working out of State, but my kiddos live around Carrollton, TX, 20 miles south of you.

I'd be talking hot and dirty to hubby on chat and email or social networks. Also some hot lunches where you guys may get busy or something.

You can also spice it up with hotels, different rooms in the house, sneak it in in friends houses. In your garage or backyard.

Makes you feel and stay young!


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

treyvion said:


> I suggest some naughty play and discussion during the day.
> 
> I'm currently working out of State, but my kiddos live around Carrollton, TX, 20 miles south of you.
> 
> ...


Oh what a small world! Yes Carrollton is very close. 
Thanks for all the advice, yes dirty talking is always great! 
Before we moved in together and into our own place, there were lots of interesting places we had sex at but now we normally stay in our own house but in lots of rooms. What a nice thought to switching up the locations.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> It's not enough for some when those crazy hormones kick in. Believe me. I tried. I was no slouch in that department. Evidenced by lost hair, literally small strands and her sore fingers from trying to grab the fitted sheet.


What? Hormone inbalance on a female that killed libido and ability to orgasm?


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

ANOTHER, kind of on-topic question....

Had there ever been times when you got it up perfectly and were able to perform but not able to cum? It has only happened very few times in our relationship but I have always wondered about it!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> ANOTHER, kind of on-topic question....
> 
> Had there ever been times when you got it up perfectly and were able to perform but not able to cum? It has only happened very few times in our relationship but I have always wondered about it!


YES, as a male I have been "unable to cum"

Not very often though.

It happens when I'm taking too long and she may ask if I can hurry because it's starting to get sore or something... Then I think about it and it kills my ability to cum, so I've even faked an orgasm a couple of times so she would be happy.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

To both of you...Okay great that is really good to know!!!


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Had there ever been times when you got it up perfectly and were able to perform but not able to cum? It has only happened very few times in our relationship but I have always wondered about it! on the matter."

Yes, but at 52 not 20


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> "Had there ever been times when you got it up perfectly and were able to perform but not able to cum? It has only happened very few times in our relationship but I have always wondered about it! on the matter."
> 
> Yes, but at 52 not 20


Very interesting! I know some other men have said that it happens to them but do you think it could be a performance issue on my end? Again, it has happened very few times in the relationship and he always seems completely satisfied with our sex life and even tells me afterwards if he can't cum that is was still fun and felt great! I consider myself really tight, but do you think maybe it could be that I need to do more kegals or tighten even further? Or maybe another performance issue?
Or is it just a fluke?

(Might be too much detail, but I am tight enough to hold a kegal ball for a long period of time even with legs spread standing up.)


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

heyheyitschrish said:


> Very interesting! I know some other men have said that it happens to them but do you think it could be a performance issue on my end? Again, it has happened very few times in the relationship and he always seems completely satisfied with our sex life and even tells me afterwards if he can't cum that is was still fun and felt great! I consider myself really tight, but do you think maybe it could be that I need to do more kegals or tighten even further? Or maybe another performance issue?
> Or is it just a fluke?
> 
> (Might be too much detail, but I am tight enough to hold a kegal ball for a long period of time even with legs spread standing up.)


I'm sure you have great muscular tone down there. He might be so focused on cumming for you that he cannot because he's thinking about it.

So be happy you guys are having intercourse. If it makes you feel better that he cums, your going to have to help him relax and focus on the pleasure. Focus on his pleasure.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

treyvion said:


> I'm sure you have great muscular tone down there. He might be so focused on cumming for you that he cannot because he's thinking about it.
> 
> So be happy you guys are having intercourse. If it makes you feel better that he cums, your going to have to help him relax and focus on the pleasure. Focus on his pleasure.


Great! Thank you :smthumbup:


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

For me it is just age and I am sure men vary quite a bit, my wife has very outstanding muscles there.

It is just when I was 20 I could have sex 7 times in four hours and now I am once in 24 hours. But I think some 20 year olds are one or two a day -it is just natural variation. 

I guess men can also get distracted by other things or just being tired. 

On the positive side what once took me 2 minutes now I can go until my wife is worn out. So maybe his occasionally not finishing is a good thing for you.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

_I have some friends who are having some struggles, which I can relate to in a way but on the HD side of things because I am the more HD one in my relationship also... 

So I am wanting some insight or advice from LD people....

1. For this LD person, sex is considered stressful and overwhelming and they feel like they are forced to do it or obligated because their spouse is an HD at least 5 days a week type person, how can sex be made loving and bonding and less stressful and how can the LD person start to enjoy the act again? 

Unknown I tried to understand for FOUR years and no longer try to understand . Personally I think after doing much research... LD is bogus and the reality is one partner decides sex is off without telling the other for self- preservation when in reality they just don't want to have sex with their spouse for whatever reason that same person WOULD have sex with a new partner no problem IMO

2. What happens when the LD person will not compromise and realize how important often sex is to their spouse or even discuss things further than "I now associate it with pressure and stress"?

Varies, In my case now that we are beyond 4 years of my own window of trying to affect change I basically treat her like a room-mate most of the time. I really don't care other than to live in a way that is best for me personally that in effect mimics her lack of regard for my needs. Discussion is over on my part. Moving on assuming it'll never improve

_


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