# Is he cheating?



## Neleh (Jul 29, 2016)

Hello everyone. After a long time bottling up these feelings I decided to ask for the opinion of people who don't know me or my husband. Maybe you can give me a more truthful answer without being afraid of hurting my feelings.

My husband (let’s call him G) is my high school sweetheart and we have been married for some years now. Neither of us have had any other significant others our whole lives (this worries me because maybe he's now more tempted to play the field?). It happens that my husband is also an actor and his current co-star (whom he has to kiss and pretend to be in love with) is very, very attractive (let’s call her M). My husband's profession has never bothered me. I accepted that kissing and having to shoot intimate scenes with other women was part of his job and I was never jealous of any of it, until now. When he was accepted in this job, he quickly developed a close bond with M due to the amount of time they work together and they are now best friends. M often comes to our house and she is always very sweet both with me and our son. I really like her and I can say that, in a way, we have become friends too.

Regardless of this I can't get out of my head these feelings that maybe there is something going on between M and my husband. I am a stay at home mom and it gets very difficult to handle the loneliness one feels when your husband is barely at home except for sleeping and weekends. Yet, even when he does not have such a busy filming schedule, he usually goes out for drinks with M (the two of them alone) late at night. I don't want to act like I am his mother and I don't want to be a control freak, but this does upset me. He already has very little time for me and our son while he spends the entire day with M and yet, in his (rare) free time, he still prefers to go to bars and restaurants with her than coming home to us. I talked about this with him but he has dismissed it and keeps telling me they are just friends and want to relax a bit after an entire day at work.

Given his profession and how they are both in the public eye I also have the chance to look at how he acts with her in their working context. I feel like I have become obsessed with it and I can't stop looking at pictures and videos with the both of them, trying to search for anything that makes it clear to me what really is happening. What I constantly see does not make me happy at all. In interviews they shamelessly flirt with each other (there's even been talking of lingerie), they are always looking at each other as if they are ready to jump each other and, what hurts me the most, the loving looks he throws her way (and her at him). In some videos he has this sickeningly in love look on his face looking at her when she isn't even the one talking. There are also videos that show him helping her down stages and opening car doors for her (he has told me he usually drives her home after filming) - he does not do any of that for me anymore and my heart just crumbles. Has he taken me for granted or is he simply more interested in her? I have been to his working place a couple of times and I am close to some people there and I was told that there are rumors about the two.

G recently took me to a party related to his working project and, much to my surprise, he barely talked to M. He stayed by my side the whole night and M just approached us for some minutes to say hi and then she walked away and spent the night with other friends. I was alarmed because it definitely looked like they were avoiding each other.

I love my husband. I have talked to him about this and all he says is that they’re friends. Yet all the strange behavior between them persists. I find him more distant. When he is with her he’s always laughing and smiling and with me it just feels like he’s somewhere else. He’s barely at home, we can barely talk about our problems. And despite everything I really like M too. I don’t want to believe that they would both betray me like this but I can’t help the way I feel. 

I also see how other actors lovingly talk about their wives and my husband never talks about me. It hurts me.

I don’t know what I should do. I have tried confrontation and I am trying really hard to trust him but I am desperate and about to burst. Do I have reasons to suspect that something is happening? Or does the fact that they are so open about their friendship probably mean that they really are just friends and I’m just letting my insecurities consume me? Thank you for your patience and help.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

whether he is or not, obviously it bothers you so he needs to make a change.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

happy2gether said:


> whether he is or not, obviously it bothers you so he needs to make a change.


Yep. It's not about whether what he is doing is acceptable to the majority of people or not. It's about whether you two are in unity on this matter and whether you are both having your needs met within the marriage. Clearly you are not. It is reasonable for you to tell him that what he's doing isn't okay. It would also be healthy for you to have a boundary of what you are going to do if he doesn't stop putting this woman ahead of you and your needs.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Hard to say if he's cheating, but he definitely is showing a lack of respect for you and the marriage if he chooses to stay out until late with her, going to bars, etc. I'd try to find some time to discuss how you feel, and that you aren't happy with how things are going in your marriage. Don't bring her into it, maybe just focus the conversation on how you aren't happy with certain aspects of the marriage. Hopefully, he will listen and want to work on improving.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

To a certain extent you signed up for this when you married him. Actors are supposed to be seen with each other offset so what he is doing isn't really that out of bounds. At the party you mentioned he stayed at your side and M stayed away. Without any further evidence he's doing anything wrong I'd say there's nothing to worry about going on.

I do suggest that you get a job outside the home. Doing things with other adults will help you feel better.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Neleh said:


> Yet, even when he does not have such a busy filming schedule,_ he usually goes out for drinks with M (the two of them alone) late at night_. I don't want to act like I am his mother and I don't want to be a control freak, but this does upset me. He already has very little time for me and our son while he spends the entire day with M and yet, in his (rare) free time, he still prefers to go to bars and restaurants with her than coming home to us. I talked about this with him but he has dismissed it and keeps telling me they are just friends and want to relax a bit after an entire day at work.



This to me is VERY inappropriate and begging for trouble. A married man should not be going out alone with a woman besides his wife. Period. 

If he doesn't see this as a problem when you bring it up, ask him if you should start going out drinking at night with men alone? Spending all your time with one man, and even all your spare time drinking, laughing, and bonding, all while fake (supposedly) flirting?! Would he be keen on that? I highly doubt it.

I would feel exactly the same way you do honey. Better boundaries need to be set. Ones that respect you and your marriage.

I hope he wakes up and fixes this. I wish you all the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I don't know. But you need to monitor him.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Hard to tell, however I truly think that a woman's intuition is usually correct. I get it..sometimes you have a gut feeling. 
He obviously has boundary issues if he is openly flirting with her. If he isn't cheating he needs to learn to respect you much more than he is now. 



Sent from my iPhone


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## Neleh (Jul 29, 2016)

Thank you all for taking the time to tell me your opinion and helping me.

I have talked to him about it and how uncomfortable it makes me but he just says I have nothing to worry about because they are just friends. I just wish I could believe him, but I'm not sure if I do. M has talked many times about how hot my husband is (in interviews) and while I consider her a friend, a part of me also hates her and the way she talks and looks at my husband. But sometimes I think I'm just being paranoid and that maybe I'm just too conservative for this open minded way of thinking most people in this industry seem to have. Right now it just hurts me how he ignores my discomfort with the situation just so he can keep hanging out with her.



jb02157 said:


> To a certain extent you signed up for this when you married him. Actors are supposed to be seen with each other offset so what he is doing isn't really that out of bounds. At the party you mentioned he stayed at your side and M stayed away. Without any further evidence he's doing anything wrong I'd say there's nothing to worry about going on.
> 
> I do suggest that you get a job outside the home. Doing things with other adults will help you feel better.


I understand what you're saying but he has been an actor for a while and been in other projects and he has never acted this way before. Yes, it is a different lifestyle than the regular 9 to 5 job, but there are still boundaries, even for actors. And many of the things he's currently doing make me uncomfortable and are part of a set of behaviors that I definitely didn't sign up for nor was counting on it. I should probably find something to do, though. Maybe it'll help me to keep busy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Trust your gut, it will usually never let you down, many women can attest to that.
He is most definitely crossing boundaries spending so much time with her.
You need to become more independent, create your own circle of friends, get a job if possible
I would suggest getting a private investigator to follow them for a week and see what happens


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## Romance1234 (Jul 24, 2016)

No it doesn't sound like he is cheating. But there are things that bother you. That's the big deal. Talk to him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Neleh said:


> I understand what you're saying but he has been an actor for a while and been in other projects and he has never acted this way before. Yes, it is a different lifestyle than the regular 9 to 5 job, but there are still boundaries, even for actors. And many of the things he's currently doing make me uncomfortable and are part of a set of behaviors that I definitely didn't sign up for nor was counting on it. I should probably find something to do, though. Maybe it'll help me to keep busy.


Whether he is physically cheating or not, he is doing things that upset you. That should matter to him and if it doesn't your marriage is in trouble.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hmmm, seems we have heard this story here before...


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

aine said:


> *Trust your gut, it will usually never let you down, many women can attest to that.*
> He is most definitely crossing boundaries spending so much time with her.
> You need to become more independent, create your own circle of friends, get a job if possible
> I would suggest getting a private investigator to follow them for a week and see what happens



Unless you're a jealous person by nature, this advice is pure gold. That green monster can be your best friend. Don't be one of the hopelessly optimistic. We live in an imperfect world. A little scepticism goes a long way. Call it _reasonable doubt_ if that makes you feel more comfortable but investigate your husband's behaviour.

Sounds like an EA in progress. Try to "nip it in the bud". I hope against hope nothing is going on.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmmm, seems we have heard this story here before...



Me too, so lazy come up with something new. :sleeping:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

This post needs a subtitle: "As seen on TV"

I agree, M is hot and yes they were avoiding each other. 

BTW, are you Helen?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Neleh (Jul 29, 2016)

EunuchMonk said:


> Unless you're a jealous person by nature, this advice is pure gold. That green monster can be your best friend. Don't be one of the hopelessly optimistic. We live in an imperfect world. A little scepticism goes a long way. Call it _reasonable doubt_ if that makes you feel more comfortable but investigate your husband's behaviour.
> 
> Sounds like an EA in progress. Try to "nip it in the bud". I hope against hope nothing is going on.


Thank you. That's my biggest fear, that he actually has feelings for her and it's not just sexual tension that needs to get out of his system. I'm really considering going to his working place more often and talking to people who work with them to possibly get more information. I don't want to get a private investigator right away especially if there is really nothing going on. It could break our marriage if he ever finds out.

blueinbr, Helen is my middle name, yes. I doubt anyone here would be able to recognize this situation and my husband. That's why I posted it here in the first place. My heart breaks for people who have experienced something similar.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Is "M" married?

Greatly sounds like your H was involved in an EA or a PA that somehow went awry!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Neleh (Jul 29, 2016)

arbitrator, as far as I know, M likes to fool around with men but she's single. At least she has never mentioned any boyfriend nor have I seen her with one.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

This sounds similar to my W's situation when she started working closely with a new, attractive, younger man in the national media industry. They worked together long hours and then started hanging out after work, to unwind and do "show prep". This led to an EA, with her getting home at midnight most nights.

I would be concerned about the amount of time they are spending together, alone. I know you don't want to appear as the jealous W, but it's better than being the chump W that they laugh about behind your back.

The best way to address this is thru the OW. Contact her and tell her you are uncomfortable about the amount of time they are spending together outside of work. This should be the same concern that you express to your husband. 

As the H of a former actress/model, I know how common it is for on screen partners to get close. But as long as they kwep it real and know it's over when the shoot is over, it will be OK.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think it would be terribly naive, at *best*, to assume they're spending THIS much time together (while you sit at home) out dating and socializing and it's not physical. You can bet the farm on it.

These two are hiding in plain sight.

They basically have carte blanche to hang out together day or night with literally no limitations whatsoever. NONE.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Neleh said:


> Thank you. That's my biggest fear, that he actually has feelings for her and it's not just sexual tension that needs to get out of his system. I'm really considering going to his working place more often and talking to people who work with them to possibly get more information. I don't want to get a private investigator right away especially if there is really nothing going on. *It could break our marriage if he ever finds out.*
> 
> blueinbr, Helen is my middle name, yes. I doubt anyone here would be able to recognize this situation and my husband. That's why I posted it here in the first place. My heart breaks for people who have experienced something similar.


So it would break your marriage if hubby found out you cared enough about your marriage to investigate the circumstances of all his time spent with the OW? This is classic gas-lighting at it's best. "If you can't trust me enough to spend time alone with another woman, then we shouldn't be married." This is a classic cheater routine, to put you on the defensive and second-guess everthing you say to him about it.

There are many red-flags here neleh, might be time to place a VAR under his car seat and see if you pick-up anything.


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## Neleh (Jul 29, 2016)

Hello everyone.

It turns out they were having an affair for a long time and everything was happening under my nose. I still don't know what to do because despite everything I really do love my husband and I don't want my son to lose his father - in my circumstances getting a divorce and going home with my son would mean he would see his father once or twice a year and I don't want to hurt my son that way. 

I feel lost because I want to work things out with my husband but I can't trust him (I am pretty sure he is still with his mistress) and I can't find in me the energy to fight for our marriage no matter how much I love my son. This has made me feel insecure and unsure of my role as a mother. I just don't know what to do but I'll try to take each day at a time.

I wanted to thank everyone who was kind to let me know their opinion. It gave me the courage to try to find out the truth and how to do it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear this. It is a difficult situation.
You are assuming that you can stay with your husband, but you may not be correct. He may leave you for his affair partner. Then what will you do? I recommend that you prepare for divorce. You can bide your time and not make waves as you are already planning, but in the meantime, you can at least develop a plan and the strength to carry it out.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Under usual circumstances, for the two of you to even consider saving the marriage he would have to give up all contact with her, including finding a new job.

In his situation that could be career suicide. But so be it - he made his bed. Is he willing to give up his career to save his family?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Neleh,

this is no way to live your life, waiting for him to wake up, he doesn't deserve you, and you can do better...i would take him to the cleaners, leave him a shell of a man and let he wake up and realize what he has done...you are not a DOORMAT....do not treat yourself as that...you loved who he was not who he is....he is a cheater and you deserve better.....get a great lawyer...even if you don't file see a lawyer and look at your options....it doesn't hurt to at least look....now if you chose to stay, and you want to look the other way, then i would suggest that you also think about enjoying life....go on vacation with some girls have him watch his son...and don't tell him where your going none of his business, get away and clear your head. I wish you luck


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

So sad to hear you confirm what most had suspected. I have learned in my adult relationships it is far less likely that my W would be mad and want to divorce me for checking up on her, vs her being mad and want to divorce me because she was cheating and I did nothing.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

You want to look the other way!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nelah,

You are setting yourself up for a life time of misery.
Does he know that you know?
If he doesn't have any consequences, then why would he not continue to see her?
Are you willing to share him?
You have to do the following:

1. contact a lawyer and find out what you can do, take him for all he is worth - you will be glad you did
2. A man who cheats on his wife, doesn't respect his child - that is the bottom line so stop using that as an excuse. He will still have to support the kid and it's up to him to see him, if he doesn't the next man you marry may be a much better father. Biology doesn't lead to great parenting
3. Tell your family, his family and all your friends about what is happening, you will need the support
4. when you have enough evidence, confront your husband, start to emotionally detach, get your ducks in a row and say you are filing for divorce
5. If he wants the divorce, there is no point in hanging onto him anyhow, let her have him, if he wants to reconcile then he will have to go no contact, go MC, etc
This is your life, and you have to take control of it, don't simply stand by and let him do this to you.


As seen on TV? Really?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Neleh said:


> It turns out they were having an affair for a long time and everything was happening under my nose.


Of course they were. That was *blatantly* obvious and the responses in this thread claiming he 'probably wasn't' were laughable.



> I still don't know what to do because despite everything I really do love my husband and I don't want my son to lose his father - in my circumstances getting a divorce and going home with my son would mean he would see his father once or twice a year and I don't want to hurt my son that way.


Never, ever disrespect YOURSELF and stay in a dead marriage 'for the children.' It's a waste of everyone's time.



> I feel lost because I want to work things out with my husband but I can't trust him (I am pretty sure he is still with his mistress) and I can't find in me the energy to fight for our marriage no matter how much I love my son. This has made me feel insecure and unsure of my role as a mother. I just don't know what to do but I'll try to take each day at a time.


Your best bet is to *lawyer up* and protect yourself financially while Don Juan continues to wine and dine his mistress with marital money that he has no right be spending on her. He's a cheating, lying snake and not worthy of your efforts - considering he's still in his affair, your efforts would be pointless and a waste of time, anyway.



> I wanted to thank everyone who was kind to let me know their opinion. It gave me the courage to try to find out the truth and how to do it.


Sadly, I'm still glad you found out the truth of who you married. 

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

Get to a lawyer.


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