# What If An Illness Was a Major Reason for Your Divorce?



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Prior to splitting up with my ex, I knew that I had a snoring problem, but I had no idea what it meant. I thought it was one of those optional issues that you could live with or without treating. I only learned the truth after the separation.

Once I was living alone, and didn't have anyone who didn't want to sleep next to a breathing machine, I went ahead and got a sleep study. Turned out I have SEVERE sleep apnea, like stop breathing hundreds of times each night, for over a minute kind of severe. My blood oxygen levels were through the floor. I immediately started using a CPAP machine, and now I don't even nap without it.

I started to research the effects of sleep apnea, and they tracked really closely to what I had felt was just some overall deterioration on my part. I knew I'd been overly tired for years, constantly so (by the time I got treated it was taking me HOURS to be able to move and be productive in the morning). I knew that my concentration and memory were getting worse and worse. I knew that I was irritable and grumpy even when I wasn't angry about anything. I knew I constantly felt depressed. All of that correlates to sleep apnea. It literally causes brain damage.

Think of it this way: You know how there are studies that show that going without sleep for 72 hours can cause psychosis? Imagine going without an actual night's sleep for YEARS.

It was during the last six or seven years of the marriage that things really went from often-difficult to irreconcilable. When I started to think back on things, I realized to my horror that a lot of what drove my ex away was behavior that was being greatly worsened by the apnea. Who wants to live with a lethargic, fuzzy-headed grump? Especially one who is getting worse all the time? 

It takes a lot of mental energy to stop from just kicking myself in the ass every day for not finding out about and treating the condition earlier. Had I not been in such a bad state, I can't help thinking that we might have been able to stop the ship from sinking. There's no undoing the past, and I know it's a useless line of thinking, so I avoid it as much as possible. 

Another part of me has gotten really angry with her as I've learned more about what was happening. Not because she didn't know THEN, but because once she DID know she didn't reconsider the split. All of the facts of my condition came to light before the final divorce. I felt like once she knew I'd been battling a major health issue, which contributed greatly to our falling apart, not being willing to reconsider made the whole "in sickness and health" thing a sham. 

Part of me feels like I'm paying double for this condition. Not only did I personally suffer the effects, but I lost a lot of the better parts of my personality and in so doing lost my marriage. That's a reductionist viewpoint, to be sure. We had other issues prior to my apnea getting so bad. But we had a LOT of reasons to work through them, and maybe we could have if my mind wasn't so cloudy and my mood wasn't so bad. 

Have any of the rest of you had medical issues that you feel were either a cause of or a contributing factor in your divorces?


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Once women are done they are usually DONE!!! I don't think anything would have saved if she had moved on emotionally already. DUDE


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Note: the effects of apnea aren't necessarily well-known to the general public. I'm not making this up, and I figured a couple of links might be helpful.

How Sleep Apnea Can Affect Mental Health

https://myapnea.org/forums/news/top...ding-excessive-daytime-sleepiness-sleep-apnea

10 Surprising Signs of Sleep Apnea

Treating Sleep Improves Psychiatric Symptoms - Scientific American


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> Once women are done they are usually DONE!!! I don't think anything would have saved if she had moved on emotionally already. DUDE


I suspect you're right. For her, maybe reconsidering was too much to ask. All I can say for myself is that if she had ever asked me to reconsider I definitely would have.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

T, you are dealing with the "what if's" now. What if this or what if that. Things could have been different if only. And don't forget the the would of's, could of's and should of's. It is all part of your ego's attempt to protect itself by making a victim out of you. 
I am not trying to be harsh, I am just pointing out that this is something that most people go thru following abandonment and rejection. You need to stop your self from having these kind of thoughts. Easier said than done, but still necessary.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Ynot said:


> T, you are dealing with the "what if's" now. What if this or what if that. Things could have been different if only. And don't forget the the would of's, could of's and should of's. It is all part of your ego's attempt to protect itself by making a victim out of you.
> I am not trying to be harsh, I am just pointing out that this is something that most people go thru following abandonment and rejection. You need to stop your self from having these kind of thoughts. Easier said than done, but still necessary.


I don't disagree, which is why I said above: "It takes a lot of mental energy to stop from just kicking myself in the ass every day for not finding out about and treating the condition earlier. Had I not been in such a bad state, I can't help thinking that we might have been able to stop the ship from sinking. *There's no undoing the past, and I know it's a useless line of thinking, so I avoid it as much as possible*. "


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thanks for the post. It applies I think. I don't have as much evidence as you but, I know I am not what I was. On the other hand. Recovery may not be in the cards here.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sleep apnea?

No, that was not why you divorced, and I think you know that.

My ex has major depression, some psychosis, anxiety and a bit of paranoia for good measure. I didn't divorce because he was sick, I divorced because his unwillingness to effectively treat his conditions led to his emotional and verbal abuse, and the fact that he turned out to be a serial cheater didn't hurt either, but I'm not sure I could cite his depression for his infidelity. I was willing to put up with a certain degree of abuse because "he was sick" but then his angry verbal attacks started being directed to my kids. And once his serial cheating became so bold that my dd found out, I said enough is enough. At least I left before he hit the kids, all they witnessed was their dad punching out the windshield of my car (and yes that was my fault for making him mad).

It wasn't his illness, but his unwillingness to take responsibility for his actions or seek treatment that ended the relationship. He hasn't changed. He has taken no responsibility for the pain he has caused.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I'm glad you're getting appropriate treatment for your sleep apnea now. However, in other threads you've posted regarding a whole host of other mental and emotional issues that I suspect were every bit as significant in your marriage as sleep apnea. Depression, ADHD, being on the autism spectrum, rage issues, etc. All of those things are going to make sustaining a healthy marriage darn near impossible. And you weren't getting appropriate treatment for them during your marriage either. 

Look, "in sickness and in health" is a very fine ideal. The reality of it, though, is that what you wanted was your wife to continue putting up with very bad behavior from you - because you were "sick". Only you either didn't know you were sick or at least weren't actually taking steps to effectively treat that/those sicknesses. Standing by a partner through an illness is one thing, standing by a partner who treats himself and you badly with no end in sight is quite something else. 

My suggestion is that you stay on your medications and stay in therapy. And stop transferring all the bad in your marriage to your ex-wife. I'm sure she's got her issues. Those aren't your problem anymore - just as your issues are no longer her problem. Instead, your problems are your own to handle now. Handle them. Figure out ways to cope, heal yourself, find stability, get your custody issues worked out, treat your illnesses, find peace. Get whatever help you need to do that. Stop hating and blaming her. Fix you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I agree with Rowan about through sickness and health being an idealistic idea. I would not recommend a person stay with an alcoholic because of vows made.

You have to take into consideration that your poor treatment of your wife has also change her for the worse and she may need to leave you to become better. You may trigger a lot of negative emotions and make her into a person she does not want to be.

Try this for an exercise, treat your children, friends, coworkers the same way you treated your wife for years and watch their attitude towards you change. Actions can destroy love.

Sure you had issues, but look at it from another perspective, you did not seek help before the point of no return. Whether by purpose or not, you may have caused anger issues, resentment, an emotional wall through your actions and unfortunately, you most likely have a hand in shaping your wife into the person she is today.

How was your wife before your issue and your medical problems?

People change through environmental factors, and you are part of that environmental factor as well. We change and grow with help of neuro plasticity. Someone in a healthy environment will have a higher probability of being healthy compare to ones in a non-healthy environment.

So did your wife have issues before she married you, or did she develop her issues for her self protection against you? She will need therapy to find that out.

In the mean time, the only person you should work on is you because look at what your own medical issues change you into the person you are now. Look at how your wife's separation has changed you and see what she went through as well. Your wife's leaving change you into someone bitter, and look at how her leaving you made you bitter. An abusive person is not aware that they are abusive, still, does that mean they are not responsible because of their issues?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

T, the previous two posters have given you some great insight. All I can add is that it is one thing to recognize the past is the past and there is no changing it, it a whole different matter to accept it though. It took me months to stop trying to place the blame for everything on my ex. I still fight the temptation to do this on a daily basis. If only she had...she did X which why I did z...she didn't understand...she never accepted...why couldn't she just... and on and on and on. These are all just ploys that stop you from looking at your self. The hardest thing any of us have to do when we get divorced (or suffer any life trauma) is actually overcoming our own fear of looking at our selves first. But once you do this, the whole thing can be and should be cathartic. This where the real healing takes place, not in remaining the victim.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Rowan said:


> OP, I'm glad you're getting appropriate treatment for your sleep apnea now. However, in other threads you've posted regarding a whole host of other mental and emotional issues that I suspect were every bit as significant in your marriage as sleep apnea. Depression, ADHD, being on the autism spectrum, rage issues, etc. All of those things are going to make sustaining a healthy marriage darn near impossible. And you weren't getting appropriate treatment for them during your marriage either.


 True enough. The apnea didn't cause any of those, but it made some of them much, MUCH worse, e.g. the anger and the depression. As for being on the spectrum, it presents communications issues which could have been addressed had we known that was what was going on. By the time that piece of the puzzle came into play it was already too late. Granted, had I known before hand it's very possible I never would have gotten married.



Rowan said:


> Look, "in sickness and in health" is a very fine ideal. The reality of it, though, is that what you wanted was your wife to continue putting up with very bad behavior from you - because you were "sick". Only you either didn't know you were sick or at least weren't actually taking steps to effectively treat that/those sicknesses. Standing by a partner through an illness is one thing, standing by a partner who treats himself and you badly with no end in sight is quite something else.


Fair enough. I took all of the steps I could for the conditions that were known, but I didn't do anything about the apnea until I left because she'd told me she wouldn't sleep in the room with a breathing machine. I didn't want to be alone, so I put it off. Once I WAS alone anyway I went forward. Dumb decision-making on my part, no doubt.



Rowan said:


> My suggestion is that you stay on your medications and stay in therapy. And stop transferring all the bad in your marriage to your ex-wife. I'm sure she's got her issues. Those aren't your problem anymore - just as your issues are no longer her problem. Instead, your problems are your own to handle now. Handle them. Figure out ways to cope, heal yourself, find stability, get your custody issues worked out, treat your illnesses, find peace. Get whatever help you need to do that. Stop hating and blaming her. Fix you.


All excellent suggestions. The more I've been thinking about why my response seems much more intense than hers, or than other divorced people I've known, the more it seems like my biggest issue in the split is codependency. It fits the facts, as well as the facts of prior relationships. So that's something I'm going to start making my focus.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

My health went south after a hysterectomy in 2001 when I was 39, and it affected our marriage badly. I could no longer enjoy travel, any activities amd ended up stopping work in 2005. This was all due to nerves being severed and my back and pelvic area affected by constant pain. He began being depressed some years later and never really came out of it. He has worked graveyard for 25 years and never gets enough sleep. Plus he hates his job intensely. We finally gave up and separated last year and I filed in July. 

Anyway, all of our issues came about as a result of health problems. There seemed to be no going back, since neither of us were improving.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The prognosis for a happy life and potential for a new relationship in the future is excellent. However, you need to really identify your real problems and fix them first. It's not the apnea, its your failure to resolve the associated problems and to take your wife's concerns seriously. I'll bet that your wife told you that your behavior was a problem but you made no effort to seek help. 

If you dismissed her concerns for many years then she checked out long before she left but you may not have been paying attention. She may have remained in the marriage physically but emotionally, she was gone. If that is the case then you need to take responsibility for your part in the D. Your wife had a part too but that's her problem. 

Your situation is much more hopeful than you realize. If you are able to accept your role in the failed marriage, you can fix it. If you don't make an effort to change yourself, you will have problems in your next relation.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> It takes a lot of mental energy to stop from just kicking myself in the ass every day for not finding out about and treating the condition earlier. Had I not been in such a bad state, I can't help thinking that we might have been able to stop the ship from sinking. There's no undoing the past, and I know it's a useless line of thinking, so I avoid it as much as possible.
> 
> 
> *My wife has been way overweight for years now and keeps getting fatter. She snores and it wouldn't surprise me if she has sleep apnea as well. She has absolutely no sex drive, sex has stopped, and I sleep in the spare bedroom. Our marriage is, for the most part, over. I've been wanting her to see a doctor for years now, but she refuses. It could be a thyroid condition. We will never know.
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> The prognosis for a happy life and potential for a new relationship in the future is excellent. However, you need to really identify your real problems and fix them first. It's not the apnea, its your failure to resolve the associated problems and to take your wife's concerns seriously. I'll bet that your wife told you that your behavior was a problem but you made no effort to seek help.
> 
> If you dismissed her concerns for many years then she checked out long before she left but you may not have been paying attention. She may have remained in the marriage physically but emotionally, she was gone. If that is the case then you need to take responsibility for your part in the D. Your wife had a part too but that's her problem.
> 
> Your situation is much more hopeful than you realize. If you are able to accept your role in the failed marriage, you can fix it. If you don't make an effort to change yourself, you will have problems in your next relation.


Exactly what I was going to point out - it wasn't illness but not managing it. So she said she wouldn't sleep with a breathing machine - would being happy and connected during the day be a huge deal if you slept in different rooms? As long as time was made for sex, it might not be perfect but it's better than being cranky 24/7.

Also you said you have 100 pounds to loose. That is a huge contributing factor to sleep apnea but did you try to loose that before you two separated?

Surgery, mouth guards, breatheright strips... what did you try? Ask her to go to the doctor with you?

While an illness by itself isn't reason alone, not doing everything you can to negate the effects of it is on you.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> The prognosis for a happy life and potential for a new relationship in the future is excellent. However, you need to really identify your real problems and fix them first. It's not the apnea, its your failure to resolve the associated problems and to take your wife's concerns seriously. I'll bet that your wife told you that your behavior was a problem but you made no effort to seek help.


I was desperately seeking help for an entire decade prior to the split. I knew that something was "wrong" but couldn't ever pin it down. ADD meds and anti-depressants started in 2003, and helped. I spent most of that decade in therapy, but that never seemed to help very much. My problem wasn't in disregarding my wife's concerns. Most of the time that was all I focused on. My problem was that in seeking help I was trying to address the wrong issues. 

As for accepting my role in the divorce, when the split first happened I saw it as ninety percent my fault. I still do. As much as I am disappointed in and/or hurt by her responses to my issues, the truth is that if I didn't have them she wouldn't have had anything to respond to. She's got a lot of personality flaws, but I don't see her as fundamentally broken or unsuited for relationships. Now all I have to do is stop seeing myself that way.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> So she said she wouldn't sleep with a breathing machine - would being happy and connected during the day be a huge deal if you slept in different rooms? As long as time was made for sex, it might not be perfect but it's better than being cranky 24/7.


By the time we had that conversation our disconnect was already really bad. And there was no sex, not for over two years. Sleeping next to her was the closest I was able to come to feeling that connection, and I couldn't bear the thought of losing it. HUGE mistake.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Also you said you have 100 pounds to loose. That is a huge contributing factor to sleep apnea but did you try to loose that before you two separated?


Not nearly enough, no. My energy was so low I had a very hard time just getting up and going to work. While I did try to get some healthy routines started, I always slacked off because I felt so damned exhausted all the time.



EnjoliWoman said:


> Surgery, mouth guards, breatheright strips... what did you try? Ask her to go to the doctor with you?


 I went straight to CPAP after my sleep study. From what I know, mouth guards work for milder cases, but not for severe. Surgery has a really high relapse rate, something like 60%.



EnjoliWoman said:


> While an illness by itself isn't reason alone, not doing everything you can to negate the effects of it is on you.


 Yes, it is. As is most of the split.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Stop Stop Stop. No way its 90% your fault. It's depression talking and maybe you'er really codependent. You made an effort to get treatment but the docs fvcked up the diagnosis and treatment. How are you doing now? You will never recover from the divorce if your thinking is faulty. You have to fix that.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Stop Stop Stop. No way its 90% your fault. It's depression talking and maybe you'er really codependent. You made an effort to get treatment but the docs fvcked up the diagnosis and treatment. How are you doing now? You will never recover from the divorce if your thinking is faulty. You have to fix that.


Well, I'm adjusting my meds because something isn't working right. First day on new dosage, so too soon to tell. I'm trying to identify and address as many problems as I can.

As for codependency, I strongly suspect that's the case. It's also possible, though I don't know for sure, that the effects of codependency and the effects of Asperger's magnify each other. 

With regard to diagnosis, the most I got out of one shrink was "Your case is complicated." No kidding, really?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

T - you said it yourself - there is no going back, you can't change the past.

Now think about this, you did the best that you could, she probably did the best that she could. But both of your bests weren't good enough for the relationship to last. It is over now. Get a grip on the problems you have now or you are simply doomed to repeat the past over and over again and again. Focus on yourself. As EW has stated losing a 100lbs will probably go a very long way towards clearing you of sleep apnea. The loss of weight in itself will be good for self esteem and depression. Couple that with exercise and the experience you are gaining on a daily basis and you have more self confidence. You will be a better, improved version of yourself IF you allow it. But wallowing in the guilt of the past is not going to get you there.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I sense that you are perceptive and self-aware. Are those characteristics common in Asperger syndrome? 

Have you read any info on codependency?


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> I sense that you are perceptive and self-aware. Are those characteristics common in Asperger syndrome?
> 
> Have you read any info on codependency?


I'm not sure if Asperger's affects self-awareness as such. I do know that my awareness has a lot of blind spots, particularly in real time. I often don't know what emotion was driving a situation until some time later, and then I realize "Oh, this made me feel like that which led to the other thing." Dealing with conflicting emotions can be a real problem.

I have been reading on codependency, but I'm very early in the process. It makes sense, but so do a lot of other things.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Damage can be done to a marriage even when the root cause isn't your fault, like a medical condition. Consider if your wife had a brain tumor and it caused her to screw 10 guys behind your back.....then she had it diagnosed and removed. Would you be able to take her back? Many her wouldn't because they'd still have to live with her knowing she'd screwed 10 other men. It wouldn't really be her fault but that damage would be done.

An extreme example for sure but illustrates how even medical conditions can cause damage that can't be repaired. It's not fair to be angry with her over it any more then it would be fair for her to be angry with you in the 10 men scenario if you were unable to forgive it.

I'm glad you were diagnosed and are being treated, I'm sure you feel much better. Try to look forward, not back.


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