# He called me stupid



## Meera12 (Aug 10, 2013)

Hi all,

I have been with him for almost 4 years. I have been engaged for one year. I have been going through a few problems so I have been telling him, like with my job and house. And he had been very dismissive of my issues/problems. I got tired of it and told him how i feel. I told him that I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and that he was different before. But he dismissed that too.

The next day, he got mad and started being very serious telling me that I'm always sad, I'm never happy.

I responded by saying, "Well, I'm sorry I can't ALWAYS be happy. Maybe you should leave me and find someone that is happy"

He called me stupid and I cried.

the one thing i was afraid of he did. i always used to tell him to never tell me i'm dumb or stupid because i grew up with my dad yelling that to my mom. 

i'm hurt and I don't know what i should do.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You know what you should do darlin.....


You aren't even married and this has begun..you think it will magically get better?


"the one thing i was afraid of he did. i always used to tell him to never tell me i'm dumb or stupid because i grew up with my dad yelling that to my mom. "


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Yeah, I made the mistake of doing that once in the heat of an argument. I regretted it immediately.

My wife is a fundamentalist christian. I am not religious. She was planning a weekend to spend at the Creation museum with my daughters and some of her friends without my knowledge. It came up once right about the time I found children's Creation "science" books around the house. If you read them, they are absurd ... hardly science at all, just an attempt to poke holes in the theory of evolution. I don't get angry often but I blew my top. It was a culmination of a lot of anger around some of the cult-like things she was doing with her friends. My parents are religious and I grew up that way ... but this was a cult. I'm a science guy and I couldn't believe she was forcing this crap in their heads. We were both shouting at the top of our lungs. I called it stupid ... she said it was the truth and that evolution is the dumbest thing she's ever heard of ... I said well then you're an idiot.

I don't care how angry I was about that; it crossed the line.


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## Meera12 (Aug 10, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, I made the mistake of doing that once in the heat of an argument. I regretted it immediately.
> 
> My wife is a fundamentalist christian. I am not religious. She was planning a weekend to spend at the Creation museum with my daughters and some of her friends without my knowledge. It came up once right about the time I found children's Creation "science" books around the house. If you read them, they are absurd ... hardly science at all, just an attempt to poke holes in the theory of evolution. I don't get angry often but I blew my top. It was a culmination of a lot of anger around some of the cult-like things she was doing with her friends. My parents are religious and I grew up that way ... but this was a cult. I'm a science guy and I couldn't believe she was forcing this crap in their heads. We were both shouting at the top of our lungs. I called it stupid ... she said it was the truth and that evolution is the dumbest thing she's ever heard of ... I said well then you're an idiot.
> 
> I don't care how angry I was about that; it crossed the line.



How'd your wife react to that?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Meera12 said:


> How'd your wife react to that?


I would say that both of us lost a lot of respect for each other at that point. What was worse was that my children heard it. One of those mistakes you really wish you could take back.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, I made the mistake of doing that once in the heat of an argument. I regretted it immediately.
> 
> *My wife is a fundamentalist christian. I am not religious.* She was planning a weekend to spend at the Creation museum with my daughters and some of her friends without my knowledge. It came up once right about the time I found children's Creation "science" books around the house. If you read them, they are absurd ... hardly science at all, just an attempt to poke holes in the theory of evolution. I don't get angry often but I blew my top. It was a culmination of a lot of anger around some of the cult-like things she was doing with her friends. My parents are religious and I grew up that way ... but this was a cult. *I'm a science guy and I couldn't believe she was forcing this crap in their heads.* We were both shouting at the top of our lungs. I called it stupid ... she said it was the truth and that evolution is the dumbest thing she's ever heard of ... I said well then you're an idiot.
> 
> I don't care how angry I was about that; it crossed the line.


Sorry for the thread jack OP, but this really caught my attention. 
How do you two stay married? 
With your two views, I could see there being some serious issues coming up.
This is not a snarky post, I'm genuinely curious that two very divergent idealisms can co-exist in a marriage.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

To the OP, did he call you stupid, or did he call your dramatic statement stupid? 
Those are two different things. 
Saying things like you did about your SO is not healthy to a relationship.
If things are not going well for you at the moment, are you doing anything to fix the issues or are you just complaining about them?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> Sorry for the thread jack OP, but this really caught my attention.
> How do you two stay married?
> With your two views, I could see there being some serious issues coming up.
> This is not a snarky post, I'm genuinely curious that two very divergent idealisms can co-exist in a marriage.


Yeah, I don't want to thread-jack. I'll keep it short: Neither of us were religious when we married. She converted. It became a very big issue, especially regarding the children but it was one among many. We separated. She backed off. We reconciled. Now we don't even talk about it. We've been married for 20 years and divorce is a serious consideration.

End of thread jack.


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## Meera12 (Aug 10, 2013)

Phenix70 said:


> To the OP, did he call you stupid, or did he call your dramatic statement stupid?
> Those are two different things.
> Saying things like you did about your SO is not healthy to a relationship.
> If things are not going well for you at the moment, are you doing anything to fix the issues or are you just complaining about them?



Yes, I have been working on them and basically I've been keeping him in the loop by telling him what I did that day or what I did during a certain week. I've always been there for him through his problems. so I kind of expected that in return. Him calling me stupid was just like a slap in the face. I never thought he would say that to me. Especially because I had told him that I never fully respected my Dad for saying those things to my Mom.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Meera12 said:


> Yes, I have been working on them and basically I've been keeping him in the loop by telling him what I did that day or what I did during a certain week. I've always been there for him through his problems. so I kind of expected that in return. Him calling me stupid was just like a slap in the face. I never thought he would say that to me. Especially because I had told him that I never fully respected my Dad for saying those things to my Mom.


Is your SO a "Fixer?"
The kind of man who wants to fix your problems?

If he knows your past history with your dad, then it's a red flag that he called you stupid.
Since it's the 1st time he has said that to you, it makes me wonder if he deliberately was trying to be as hurtful as he could be & that it wasn't a slip of the tongue while he was frustrated with the conversation.
I think what's important to figure out was the intent behind the statement.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Meera12 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I have been with him for almost 4 years. I have been engaged for one year. I have been going through a few problems so I have been telling him, like with my job and house. And he had been very dismissive of my issues/problems. I got tired of it and told him how i feel. I told him that I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and that he was different before. But he dismissed that too.
> 
> ...


Meera, you kind of ended your story abrupt. You say that you cried. What was his response to your reaction? Did he apologize sincerely or just a mediocre response or an angry one? Where do you stand now. 

I know that was very hurtful to you because you took the time to come to this board and talk about it. But I think it important what happened after his remark and your reaction. My opinion is I think saying something like that is horrible and could possibly reveal something in his heart about you or it could just be a knee-jerk reaction to what you say. Depend on how he handled the aftermath.


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## Meera12 (Aug 10, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Meera, you kind of ended your story abrupt. You say that you cried. What was his response to your reaction? Did he apologize sincerely or just a mediocre response or an angry one? Where do you stand now.
> 
> I know that was very hurtful to you because you took the time to come to this board and talk about it. But I think it important what happened after his remark and your reaction. My opinion is I think saying something like that is horrible and could possibly reveal something in his heart about you or it could just be a knee-jerk reaction to what you say. Depend on how he handled the aftermath.


He apologized. I told him I was upset and disappointed he called me that but I left the house and went for a drive and cried there.  but I don't know if that was enough. I feel like he shouldn't have said that at all. You know? Maybe I'm being too dramatic. But I have so much going on, I need him to be supportive instead of dismissive. Do you understand.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Meera12 said:


> Yes, I have been working on them and basically I've been keeping him in the loop by telling him what I did that day or what I did during a certain week. I've always been there for him through his problems. so I kind of expected that in return. Him calling me stupid was just like a slap in the face. I never thought he would say that to me. Especially because I had told him that I never fully respected my Dad for saying those things to my Mom.


So...when you are 8-1/2 months pregnant and hormones are going craaaaazy...snd you are miserable waiting for the baby to arrive already......................

At 3am on the 5th day that you are existing on 4 hours of sleep tops...and the baby has to be changed YET again and fed.......

You've been passed over for promotion for the third time and are voicing your displeasure about it with him.....

You are taking care of your terminally ill parent and he feels neglected....


I could come up with many many other situations/scenarios where life's roller coaster will create stress....how will he react?


Unless this was a one time thing...really really bad slip.....it is a RED FLAG 


It bothered you enough to post in here for advice....


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Meera12 said:


> He apologized. I told him I was upset and disappointed he called me that but I left the house and went for a drive and cried there.  but I don't know if that was enough. I feel like he shouldn't have said that at all. You know? Maybe I'm being too dramatic. But I have so much going on, I need him to be supportive instead of dismissive. Do you understand.


Oh I absolutely understand. And I would want the same thing. There no excuse anyway so I hope his apology was sincere?

But the other side of the coin is his perspective. There are two thing here but I hesitate because it will look like I'm saying you are doing something wrong, when I'm not.

When he make the remark that you are always sad, he may be beginning to feel like there is just too much going on in your life and he don't want to deal with a lot of heaviness. I'm not saying he is right or wrong but its a caution because you are planning to marry him. He may not be there for you in the way you expect.

Another thing is may be he think that even though you have serious issue he want you to handle it better and not let the issue get you down so much. Again, please understand I'm not blaming you just trying to see from his perspective. 

You said he had issue also and you were there for him and so you expect him to be there for you also which is reasonable. How did he handle his issue? Did it get him down?

Just some thing to think about and consider before marriage.


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## Meera12 (Aug 10, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Oh I absolutely understand. And I would want the same thing. There no excuse anyway so I hope his apology was sincere?
> 
> But the other side of the coin is his perspective. There are two thing here but I hesitate because it will look like I'm saying you are doing something wrong, when I'm not.
> 
> ...



You have definitely opened my eyes up to a new perspective. We are talking and I think to him, every thing is back to normal. I feel distant. I have always loved him and always will. And whenever he was dealing with his issues, we would always talk through it but he hasn't even done that for me. So I'm starting to think whether I want to postpone the marriage or not. 

You know, I don't want him to say "you're dumb" or "you're stupid" to me in front of my kids. That won't look good for either of us. I grew up with parents who constantly were arguing so I don't want my kids to be exposed to that. I'm just thinking about the future.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

In this forum, there is another thread about a wife who says her husband is constantly complaining about everything, and it's affecting her mental health. Is it possible that your fiance sees you this way?

In any case, if he only called you "stupid" once in the four years you were together, then I don't think you should take it so seriously. Especially if he apologizes for it.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

Theseus said:


> In any case, if he only called you "stupid" once in the four years you were together, then I don't think you should take it so seriously. Especially if he apologizes for it.


Someone who says they love a person enough to make a forever commitment should _*never*_ call their SO stupid. I don't know about you guys, but I don't hand out free passes to do unacceptable things once every four years.

An apology doesn't fix everything. But that's not even the issue. The issue is that he clearly has zero respect for the OP. This is a small manifestation of a bigger deal breaker.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Spinner said:


> Someone who says they love a person enough to make a forever commitment should _*never*_ call their SO stupid. I don't know about you guys, but I don't hand out free passes to do unacceptable things once every four years.


No one said anything about a "free pass". But people aren't perfect, and Lord knows I say inappropriate things more often than once in four years. In your own relationships, you can set the bar as high as you want it - but if you are looking for someone that never said anything hurtful, then most likely the only person you will find is a mute. 




> The issue is that he clearly has zero respect for the OP. This is a small manifestation of a bigger deal breaker.


There may be bigger issues going on, but since the OP hasn't mentioned any, we can't advise her on any.


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## Spinner (Jul 26, 2013)

Theseus said:


> No one said anything about a "free pass". But people aren't perfect, and Lord knows I say inappropriate things more often than once in four years. In your own relationships, you can set the bar as high as you want it - but if you are looking for someone that never said anything hurtful, then most likely the only person you will find is a mute.
> 
> There may be bigger issues going on, but since the OP hasn't mentioned any, we can't advise her on any.


You're right, we're human and things slip and it's insane to expect anyone to be perfect all the time, but I don't get the impression that this was a one time, I didn't really mean it, thing.



> had been very dismissive of my issues/problems. I got tired of it and told him how i feel. I told him that I feel like he doesn't love me anymore and that he was different before. But he dismissed that too.


He clearly doesn't take her or her feelings seriously. 

Also, for him to say the one thing she specifically asked him not to say? It's like he was intentionally trying to hurt her. 

OP, it sounds like you don't have much confidence in yourself.



> Maybe I'm being too dramatic.


I would suggest talking with a couple close friends or reading a few self-help books(read reviews and look out for the crazies). I'm a big advocate of counseling (if you guys hadn't noticed  ) so if you can afford it or are affiliated with a church I'd say definitely ask for some guidance. It's always good to get another person's perspective  Just take everything with a grain of salt.


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

You seem very needy.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

did he call _you _stupid or the idea that he would leave you stupid.

Do not marry this man until you are 100% sure that he is right for you. He sounds pretty dismissive of you and your feelings and your state of mental health. Is he always going to be aloof/uncaring/dismissive when you have issues going on?


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

So basically you had an argument with your husband? These things happen in a marriage. I don't see how it's a big deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) You're not even married to this man yet. An engagement is your LAST CHANCE to insure that the relationship is THE RIGHT ONE for both of you. Just because you're both engaged does not mean you 'have to' marry him; if it's not right, it's not right.

2.) You stated a couple of times that he is dismissive of your feelings. This is a big deal! If he's not the man that you can confide in, or rely on, then he's not the man for you! If he accepts your emotional support, but can't/won't give YOU any, you will end up resentful in the long-run. He might be a great guy, but he's not THE guy for you. You need someone who is more willing to be supportive of you emotionally than this guy is.

3.) The fact that when angered he would purposely wound you in your Achilles' heel (calling you or what you said 'stupid' when he KNOWS that is the one thing you won't abide), is unacceptable. That shows an immaturity and lack of control over his emotions. There were millions (literally) of things he COULD have said, but he chose the ONE THING you told him never to say to you!

Forget 'postponing' the wedding; give him his ring back. I'm guessing (maybe I'm way off-base here) that you're both 25yo or younger; are you? There is no reason to jump into a marriage. Just because you've been together for 4 years does NOT mean the next logical step is marriage. 

If you're fairly young (as I suspect) and you've spent FOUR YEARS with this man, then you haven't really done that much 'comparison shopping'. Why not see who ELSE is out there that might be a better fit for you? Four years is a LONG TIME to have been dating each other exclusively and still feel that he is not emotionally supportive of you.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise breaking off the engagement (not merely postponing the wedding), dating other people, giving time and life a chance to mature you both. If you two are 'meant to be', you'll know it; you'll still be 'meant to be' in two or four years and you can see if your relationship is better at that point.


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