# Finance leading to separation



## Delmonte (Jul 18, 2011)

Hi guys,

I think I posted a few years ago here, but couldn't find my post. So I am back looking for objective input, advice, assurance, criticism etc.
Thank you in advance.

I'll try to keep it brief, without boring everyone, but obviously must set the stage for where my marriage is today. I will be fair and tell the truth.

I have been married for 12 years. My wife was pregnant shortly after marriage. We have 2 beautiful children together. 

My wife has always been hyper-critical of me, my family, and pretty much everyone who comes into her life. She only speaks highly of people she doesn't really know; passing acquiantances.
I realized some years ago that no matter what I did for her, and throughout our marriage I have always put her needs first, that there was never and gratitude, and just increasing demands. My opinions, choices, thoughts, needs etc. are pretty much not even a concern to her. For example, today while arguing, I tried to be blunt and tell her why our marriage was in such a bad state from my point of view. She basically just told me to shut up and put her earphones in. Lately it has dawned on me that she lies about me, to make my look bad and her look good. While I lie about her to make her look better than she actually is. As anytime I do let some truths out I see peoples faces drop, and out of allegiance to my wife don’t want to paint her badly (even if it is the truth).

I have read up on narcissism, and know my wife has a narcissistic personality disorder. 100%. I accept that it will be impossible to change that. I have done online quizzes about it, and tied to give her leeway, and she scores pretty much 100% in every test. I know and accept her faults, but to be honest have gradually emotionally distanced myself from her. If I look at my own behavior, it cannot be pleasant for her, as I admit, that I don't really try any more. I am burnt out in all honestly.

My question today though is on the finance side of things. Throughout (and before) our marriage, my wife has been a spend thrift. When we got together she had mases of debt. She still has some, but the bulk of that is now in my name as I gradually ended up with it while trying to help her out. 
For most of our marriage I was earning more.... not a massive salary, but more than the national average, and 100% of it was used on my family (none of it on myself). And money that she brought in was largely used on our kids and her treating herself.
Anyway, to her credit she has now found herself in a well-paid job over the last 2 years. But instead of it being a great thing for us to put troubles behind us, it has probably been the worst thing to happen.
She constantly berates me now for her being the bread winner. Her spending has got worse, and to compensate for that, she has demanded more of a contribution from me. But when you’re already giving 100% of your earnings to your family...well, you can’t give easy more!! I even just got a new job (under pressure from her, giving up a job I like) on about 7K more, and she is already demanding that it is not enough, I need to earn even more. 

Because I am now unable to give more, she is telling her family and others that I don't support my family, that we are living on 1 salary (hers) and that I must be stashing my money somewhere. 
I have asked her to look at my bank statements.... she isn't interested because she knows the truth is there in black and white. She refuses to show me hers.

I guess my question really is, just how unreasonable is she being over the financial situation? I know a lot of women want to be provided for (she would love not to have to work, and if I could support that I would), but I have given all I can. 
Over the years I have accepted my failings, questioned them and have gradually accepted where she fails as a partner. I have also at times bulilt a bit of a wall around myself at times, as I know some of her criticism ranges from unfair to ridiculous (some, not all).
But with this latest major topic and critique, which is just about the final nail in our relationship, I really want to know if she is being unreasonable? 

Thanks everyone,


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, while I understand you are concerned about the financial aspect of your situation, the reality is that you really need to read the handwriting on the wall. You are going to end up where I was at the end of my 24 year marriage. I could have written your entire post. In fact you might be able to find a few. I made excuses and lied (mainly to myself) about my ex. At the same time she belittled me and invalidated me. I internalized so many of the things she said over the years that I came to believe them myself. 
Yet there was this part of me that knew it was all BS. In 24 years, no one in my family ever went without anything. If they needed it they got it. I made sure of it. So I knew it couldn't be true.
After my divorce it became even more apparent. I now have more money than I ever did in 24 years of marriage. I own a nicer house and a newer car. I work less. I have better relationships with my kids and their spouses than I ever had when I was married.
I guess my advice to you is that you know too this is all BS. So rather than wonder about it anymore, you need to start looking at reality. Start focusing on yourself and believing in yourself again and start looking at ways to put this all behind you (up to and including divorce) so that you can live the life you used to dream of instead of merely existing to please someone else.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Won't she be surprised when you divorce how much more she will contribute to child support....then she will be faced with reality.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP: so, does it really matter if she is unreasonable or not? I ask because it seems you are going to do nothing to get out of this mock of a marriage? 

Do you have a plan that you want to follow if people tell you that YES, she is being unreasonable and that validates your asking?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Narcissism is a diagnosis made by shrinks. I'm just a country boy, I don't know what a "narcissist" is.... however, I do fully well know what a selfish, miserable ***** is.

Instead of offering bank-statement "proof".... you need to tell her that how much you make, and what you do with your money, is NONE OF HER F*****G BUSINESS, and that she should be careful to not let the door hit her in the a$$ on her way the hell outa here.....that, from now on, you will do what you see fit to do with your money, and she will own her own debts. You will support yourself and your children, but not her. She is an adult person whose responsibility is to support herself, and her children.

Your wife has been enabled for far too long.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Delmonte said:


> Hi guys,
> 
> I think I posted a few years ago here, but couldn't find my post. So I am back looking for objective input, advice, assurance, criticism etc.
> Thank you in advance.
> ...


Bull ****, she may be a gaslighter, narcicist I doubt it. She is at the contempt stage because she has an image of you that isn't agreeing with what she learned as a child, adolescent etc. False beliefes. You need to get your balls back and set up strong boundaries. like beind co-dependent no more.
Listen to the book by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, the proper feeding and care of marriage and all the john gottman p.h.d books you can lay on your hands on. you will learn a lot and what to do. Especailly the four horseman of the appocolypes in regards to realationship. Money and sex are not the main cause of divorce. It is communication and giving each othe respect, If both of you can't talk about sex, money, earnings responsitliby together you have a problem. It's a warning side. Pride will destroy marriage. too rash of decisions will too. 
YOU MUST LEARN BOTH HUMILITY, SURRENDER, AND GIVE IN. iF SHE LOST MONEY AT A LOWER JOB OR GOT ILL AND CAN'T WORK ANYMORE. YOU WOULD STICK BY HER NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

why isn't her view the same. Is one goose good for the gander whose roles were reveresed.

The books actually audio CD Books of the above are a life line life preserver, Will you both try it or wither and die,
You children will whither for sure. Whats the story for the divorce to the kids? Gee WE couldnt handle talking to each other about life events that could be temporary, and we never cared to solve it and show each other unconditional love as a couple and definitely children were not worth it enough to put asside pride, differences and live Gods way and show humilly. 

Get off this website too and never come back. Devote the several hours on this site to your wife and kids.
Thanks.
A guardian angel


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think I threw up in my mouth a little!


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