# Please help- Still a semi-newlywed with big problems



## Dee814 (May 11, 2010)

All,

Thank you for taking time to read my post. I am going to try to keep it as short as possible. The quick facts: My husband and I have been together for 2 years, married for almost one. We are 25 and 28, we live together in my house that I own. We have no children. I have already tried marriage counseling but he did not want to go. 
I really need help and I would appreciate any constructive guidance.

We have had issues since we got married. I screwed up and I admit it. We rushed into marriage and didn't wait long enough. That being said we are both trying to stay together and have stated we love each other. There is a list as long as my arm as to problems we have. I don't have enough space to post it all. To give you a rough idea, we have some different values, some different morals, and a different idea of marriage. He also has a problem communicating without things turning into a heated discussion or full out fight.

Our issues range from him being, in my opinion, immature and extremely selfish. These traits did not come out full blow until after we got married. My problem is I'm a planner, I have a hard time telling him no, and I have certain high standards (for marriage in general.) We grew up differently and therefore have many issues based on that difference. I have tried literally EVERYTHING I can think of. From recommending going to church, counseling, bribing, begging, asking nicely, becoming absolutely non-combative, being very combative, writing him a letter explaining how I feel. I've tried explaining how I feel about things and how we need to work on communication. I mean literally everything, anything, I can think of.

He wants to go into the military due to lack of jobs in the economy. I currently work in a fulltime decent job. We live a few minutes from my parents who I am very close to and I have many old friends here as well. With all the issues we have, I just feel like the military is not a good option. I would have to quit my job, rent out my house, and move away from everything I know. NOW that being said, I would do this if I felt like we were in a stable marriage with good communication. But I just don't feel that is the case. He has stated several times, that if it wasn't for us being married he wouldn't do it. That hes trying to do it for us. He plans on enlisting after Dec after he has secured some college credits. I love him very much but I just don't think that our marriage is going to make it 30+ years as its going. I feel like it is only fair to really figure out if I want to stay with him or not before he signs up with the military for "us". 

I am so sad and scared and I really could use some advice or help. Is there ANY hope for us?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Something that helped my H and I a lot was doing a Boundaries in Marriage book and workbook by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. We would read a chapter and then write each others answer in the workbook. it helped my H open up and was a very constructive way to confront our issues. 

Also, another thing i tried when my H and I were fighting a lot was to go a week without talking about 'us'. i did it because i was mad but it helped the tension a lot. and helped me to see that we didnt talk about much else.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

D,

You seem to have your head fully screwed on. If you asked him to write down a list of areas where he is creating tension in the marriage and a list where he feels you are creating tension, how accurate/fair do you think he would be? 

More to the point, how committed is he to improving himself and the marriage? If he is not committed, you will not have a happy marriage. If he IS committed at least you have a chance. 

If he doesn't want to become the mature/grown man that you deserve than perhaps it would be best for both of you if you part ways. 

If he takes this military job he may well HOLD IT AGAINST YOU the rest of your life. Which is completely unfair, but that won't change how miserable it will be. 




Dee814 said:


> All,
> 
> Thank you for taking time to read my post. I am going to try to keep it as short as possible. The quick facts: My husband and I have been together for 2 years, married for almost one. We are 25 and 28, we live together in my house that I own. We have no children. I have already tried marriage counseling but he did not want to go.
> I really need help and I would appreciate any constructive guidance.
> ...


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