# Why am I the bad person now???



## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

I asked WH to leave because I found out he still having an affair. After I found out some nasty details from the OW (she begged me not tell WH) I told him everything I knew and forwarded the text messages she sent me regarding his stalking behavior, her attempts to end the relationship (yea right), and his denial of our relationship. Now he is acting like I have done something horrible to him by throwing him out and telling him about the information I have. He acting like I betrayed him. The funny thing is now I don't feel love or hatred for him, I only feel pity. I am ready to move on in a civilized manner.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Thanks for sharing. I would give you advice, but you already did the right things. Kudos to you for handling it well.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

His behavior/attitude doesn't surprise me. 

Cheater's are liars, and liars HATE _exposure_! 

Glad to see you're holding up, bluerunner!

Vega


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bluerunner said:


> I asked WH to leave because *I found out he still having an affair.* After I found out some nasty details from the OW (she begged me not tell WH) I told him everything I knew and forwarded the text messages she sent me regarding his stalking behavior, her attempts to end the relationship (yea right), and his denial of our relationship. Now he is acting like I have done something horrible to him by throwing him out and telling him about the information I have. He acting like I betrayed him. The funny thing is now I don't feel love or hatred for him, I only feel pity. I am ready to move on in a civilized manner.


Bluerunner,

You're one of those BS's who already knows the answer, but is seeking validation - and that's okay.

This is how bad people behave; how cheaters behave. It's the cheater's script.

Feeling pity for him is something you'll get over. Once you get to that detached indifference, you'll know you've reached the stage where you can put him in your rear view mirror.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bluerunner said:


> I asked WH to leave because I found out he still having an affair. After I found out some nasty details from the OW (she begged me not tell WH) I told him everything I knew and forwarded the text messages she sent me regarding his stalking behavior, her attempts to end the relationship (yea right), and his denial of our relationship. Now he is acting like I have done something horrible to him by throwing him out and telling him about the information I have. He acting like I betrayed him. The funny thing is now I don't feel love or hatred for him, I only feel pity. I am ready to move on in a civilized manner.


Sorry you're dealing with this. I can relate. I told my husband I was divorcing him - and proceeded to do it, will be final in 3 weeks - after finally finding out he'd been a serial cheater our entire marriage. And he was absolutely *shocked* that I was leaving him. Now I'm the bad guy who "left my husband" and "just walked out on him". He's angry with me because refinancing the marital home, which he gets to keep because I don't want to live next door to one of his affair partners, is costing him money. I'm the bad guy because since I left him, he doesn't get to see his child every day - even though he declined the additional weekday of visitation I offered because it would interfere with his social schedule. I'm the bad guy who's destroying our marriage and family.

Why am I the bad guy, you ask? Well, frankly, because my husband is an entitled @sshat lacking in both self-awareness and the capacity to accept responsibility for his actions. Pretty much the same reasons he became a serial cheater in the first place.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Bluerunner,
> 
> You're one of those BS's who already knows the answer, but is seeking validation - and that's okay.
> 
> ...


your right! I struggled with my decision because I was afraid to alter my daughters life and I felt selfish for making my decision but now I know it the right one. I am starting feel better everyday and I am looking forward to the day when I can "put him in my rear view mirror".


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

He's playing the victim. Blaming you takes the pressure/weight off of him and he doesn't have to be accountable for what he's done.

This is a quote from a response I got to one of my own threads when I first started TAM and my ex was angry at me for snooping and catching him cheat. I was wondering if it was normal for a cheater to get so angry at their betrayed.... for an unremorseful POS cheat, yes.



hotdogs said:


> HOW DARE YOU LOOK AT ALL THE WRONG I'VE BEEN DOING AND THEN ACT HURT BECAUSE YOU CAUGHT ME?!


I think you did the right thing.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Good for you. You now have a direction and it includes leaving the cheating spouse in the dust. 

He will attempt to blame shift his crap to you because it is tough to face the man in the mirror honestly when he has been such an arse. Also he is likely hoping to mind fvck you into believing his crap so be can cake eat some more. Don't fall for his BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

You're in the wrong (in his eyes) because you are now the authority figure to his naughty boy. You're stopping his fun. You're telling him off. You're making him feel bad. So of course it's all your fault because if you didn't know, he wouldn't have to feel bad.

Didn't you know? Your role is to love him, provide a home for him, raise his children, and naturally let him do whatever he wants.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Robsia said:


> You're in the wrong (in his eyes) because you are now the authority figure to his naughty boy. You're stopping his fun. You're telling him off. You're making him feel bad. So of course it's all your fault because if you didn't know, he wouldn't have to feel bad.
> 
> Didn't you know? Your role is to love him, provide a home for him, raise his children, and naturally let him do whatever he wants.


I thought I was doing him a favor and setting free to be the woman is SO IN LOVE with, the woman he can't live without, the woman who is soul mate, the woman he would do anything for (her words to me). I thought he would be jumping for joy to finally be able to live his life with his dream woman. He should be grateful to me. I like your sense of humor and I especially like your quote, it inspires me!


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

bluerunner said:


> I thought I was doing him a favor and setting free to be the woman is SO IN LOVE with, the woman he can't live without, the woman who is soul mate, the woman he would do anything for (her words to me). I thought he would be jumping for joy to finally be able to live his life with his dream woman. He should be grateful to me. I like your sense of humor and I especially like your quote, it inspires me!


Thanks. I posted it to remind myself. It's something I struggle with daily.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Robsia said:


> Your role is to love him, provide a home for him, raise his children, and *naturally let him do whatever he wants*.


...with no 'flack' from YOU! 

It's a shame that there are people who believe this, even _*without*_ the cheating!

Vega


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I suspect my husband is trying to make me leave him so he can complain that I left him. It's part of why I am staying now. He needs to man up and take ownership of his decision to end our marriage. It's a game to exonerate themselves and blame you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

looking for clarity said:


> I suspect my husband is trying to make me leave him so he can complain that I left him. It's part of why I am staying now. He needs to man up and take ownership of his decision to end our marriage. It's a game to exonerate themselves and blame you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Every time we argue, I get "Well, maybe it would just be easier to end it," from my WH.

Every. Single. Time.

My role is to say "Oh, no, I don't want to end it," and boost his ego.

Last time I swore that it would be the last time. I told him specifically never to do it again, never to push me away like that. I explained how it made me feel, that when he pushed me away I felt he wasn't committed to our Reconciliation, that those were the times I needed him the most, that I needed him to draw me closer, not push me away.

Guess what - he did it again this weekend just gone when we argued after I called him out on his racism. This was barely a week away from the last time. I didn't play. I just didn't respond at all. I didn't tell him I wanted to end it, I just didn't respond to his dramatics. The only comments about ending it have come from him.

So far since last night by text I've had:

"Have a great life."

"OK, enjoy the rest of your life then."

"Assume that's us finished then."

"Just so I am clear, does this mean we are getting divorced? Just want to know so there are no misunderstandings."

"Do you need me to sign the divorce papers?"

All interspersed with text messages basically pretending like everything is okay.

So, either he actually wants me to end it, or he wants me to boost his ego by telling him I don't want to end it despite his behaviour.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

bluerunner said:


> I asked WH to leave because I found out he still having an affair. After I found out some nasty details from the OW (she begged me not tell WH) I told him everything I knew and forwarded the text messages she sent me regarding his stalking behavior, her attempts to end the relationship (yea right), and his denial of our relationship. Now he is acting like I have done something horrible to him by throwing him out and telling him about the information I have. He acting like I betrayed him. The funny thing is now I don't feel love or hatred for him, I only feel pity. I am ready to move on in a civilized manner.


Blameshifting at its lowest. Ignore it and start the 180. He's trying to keep you hooked by keeping emotional game in the relationship. Simply cut him off. He knows the truth anyway.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think people lash out, often irrationally, when they feel like they've suddenly lost control of the situation. Serial cheaters say they hate not having control of what the spouse knows and does. It's your fault, OP, that your cheating WH isn't in control anymore. It's all your fault.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

He has everything there in his face and still can't take accountability, but let's all be fair to him guys, he was probably looking for quick thrills and an easy getaway instead of getting slammed like this. Maybe he needs time to process before he accepts responsibility for what he's done, or maybe he's just a total ahole, I don't know the guy. You did well though.

Many posters have described their waywards as having these types of traits.


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## bluerunner (Mar 22, 2013)

Cabsy said:


> He has everything there in his face and still can't take accountability, but let's all be fair to him guys, he was probably looking for quick thrills and an easy getaway instead of getting slammed like this. Maybe he needs time to process before he accepts responsibility for what he's done, or maybe he's just a total ahole, I don't know the guy. You did well though.
> 
> Many posters have described their waywards as having these types of traits.


I hope one day is able to take responsibility for his actions and not in the form of "please take me back". I would like to have some respect for him in the future simply because he is the father of my child. I would like us to be a good co-parenting team for my daughter but I don't know how possible that is since I have lost all respect for him.


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