# Newly married and Separated!



## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

After reading this site on and off for a week or so and a lot of tears and all of that I decided to register and ask for support from people who have experience in going through what I'm going through right now. 

My story:

My wife and I met 3 years ago and we got married in October after living together for 2 years and having a year-long engagement. Things have been majorly stressful in our relationship, especially the last few months when I lost my job right after the honeymoon. Which caused us to have to move in with her parents (lovely people, really). I knew things were rocky but never could have imagined that she would leave and want a divorce.

Last Monday she told me that she didn't love me anymore and that she wanted a divorce. That she was done with it all! I did all the wrong things at that time. I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I pretty much went from a strong guy to a whimpering little girl. The day after that she came home to get some things and I confronted her, told her that I would do anything to fix the relationship.

That's when she told me she cheated on me in December and said it was a one time thing. I later found out that it was in fact her best girlfriend and it had been ongoing since December. She even told the OW that she loved her and couldn't stand being with me anymore.

I couldn't believe it, the woman that I loved with all of my heart had destroyed our marriage. No matter what I did (and I wholly realize now that I have been distant and closed off for 6 months or longer) I didn't deserve to be cheated on I thought.

But of course, I forgave her because I know that marriage is a lifetime commitment and I wanted to fix the relationship. I gave her her space and time to think about what she really wanted and then on Thursday she called me saying she wanted to come back home, so I let her.

And not knowing very much about divorce and break-ups, I was waaaaay too clingy and tried to fix everything within a weekend and then yesterday she said she wanted to leave again and left this morning. She still says she doesn't want to try, doesn't see a future with me, but that she loves me (hey, better than her saying she didn't love me) she just can't see us working out.

And now I'm broken again! My heart was put back in my chest on Thursday only to be ripped out again 4 days later! I still believe deep down that she loves me and wants to work on things but I feel like she's just confused and that I scared her away with my pushiness this weekend. 

I have apologized and forgiven her for cheating on me and treating me like crap because I know that I could have been a better husband. I'm here fighting for the marriage while she runs away after cheating on me with her best girlfriend for 3 months. I'm trying to be strong because I know that she needs her space but every minute that she doesn't come back home I feel a little bit more of her slipping away from me.

I have done a lot of growing up in the past week and I hope that she sees it. I have recognized the errors that I made in the marriage and I'm working to better myself by going to marriage counseling by myself, working out again, eating healthy, and reconnecting with my old friends. No matter what I do, though, I can't get her off of my mind and I worry that no matter what it isn't good enough for her.

What should I do?


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Ah sweetie I feel your pain. The best thing you can do right now is to have no contact with her. Work on yourself and take it day by day. The no contact rule helps you to work on yourself and be a stronger person. It will also make you more attractive to her. Even if thus does not work out for you two then at least you can hold your head up high. This is a great place to get advice and vent when you need to.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alman,

How old are you?

How old is she?

Tell us some more.


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

Conrad said:


> alman,
> 
> How old are you?
> 
> ...


We're both 25. Lets see, we met online on a site that we were both on (writing site) and then met midways between where we both lived and started dating long-distance until my car broke down where she lived and I stayed up here with her right after we started dating. 

I lived with her parents for awhile until I got a job and some money to get a place with her. We were truly in love and happy for a lot of our relationship. I was there emotionally and physically for her and showed her that I loved her. And then the wedding planning started.

It was so stressful with the money situation and everything and I had never really been in a relationship before and I had problems communicating and I knew that I had problems with it and I did try to change and work on it with her but it was never enough and I just shut down instead of talking to her.

I think for the past 6-8 months I just closed myself off completely. I thought that I was doing well in the relationship but looking back on it, I know that I could have tried harder and she tried to tell me there were problems and I just ignored them thinking that it was just stress from the wedding and loss of job and living with her parents.

She says that she checked out in December and hasn't been trying since then and I have no idea why she didn't leave then. She has now built a wall around her heart and doesn't trust that I can change and be better. She just thinks it's a show to win her back and it's not. I want to change for me and I really thought that she wanted to come back on Thursday and work it out and then she just left again.

Her lover told her husband and seems to be trying to fix their marriage and my wife said she hasn't talked to her anymore but I don't know if that's true since I haven't seen or talked to her myself. I originally thought that they could be friends since my wife was so close to the other woman's children but then realized that there was no way that could happen.

I feel as if she was more upset that she lost her best friend than possibly losing her husband and I felt unloved, unattractive, and my ego had been completely destroyed because of the affair. But I have moved on from that, I don't care that she cheated, I don't want to look in the past but focus on the future.

A future that she doesn't see with me, or at least she says she doesn't see it with me. But her coming back on Thursday had to mean that she wanted to fix it deep down, right?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alman88 said:


> We're both 25. Lets see, we met online on a site that we were both on (writing site) and then met midways between where we both lived and started dating long-distance until my car broke down where she lived and I stayed up here with her right after we started dating.
> 
> I lived with her parents for awhile until I got a job and some money to get a place with her. We were truly in love and happy for a lot of our relationship. I was there emotionally and physically for her and showed her that I loved her. And then the wedding planning started.
> 
> ...


No

It may just be her giving you the opportunity to chase.


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

Thjor said:


> Ah sweetie I feel your pain. The best thing you can do right now is to have no contact with her. Work on yourself and take it day by day. The no contact rule helps you to work on yourself and be a stronger person. It will also make you more attractive to her. Even if thus does not work out for you two then at least you can hold your head up high. This is a great place to get advice and vent when you need to.


And what happens if she contacts me again, crying that she wants me back? Should I take her back again only to worry about her leaving after a few days? I want to make this work but I can't make it work if I don't see the same type of commitment from her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If she contacts you again ignore her. 

Get a lawyer and file for an annulment. It's quick and cheap. She was most likely cheating on you with this other woman since before the wedding....long before. Your wife is lying through her pretty lesbian teeth. 

You got duped my friend. You shouldn't be crying and clingy. You should be pissed and focused on ridding your life of her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

alman88 said:


> we met online on a site that we were both on (writing site) and then met midways between where we both lived and started dating long-distance until my car broke down where she lived and I stayed up here with her right after we started dating.
> 
> I lived with her parents for awhile until I got a job and some money to get a place with her.


So you were dating long distance, traveling from your home, to visit her, and then one day, while visiting her, your car broke down so you basically just stayed there and lived with her parents until you got a new job and then you moved in with her. 

Did you ever go back to your old place and get your stuff? What happened to your old job, did you just not show up there again after your car broke down?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

So she cheated on you in less than a year of marriage (and who knows about before that), and you are hoping "she" sees that "you" have grown in the last week? 

First, it takes a lot longer than a week to get to the place you are going to need to get to. A place where you love yourself. A place where you know what forgiveness really means. It is hard won. It is difficult. I guarantee that you have resentments, mistrust, and all sorts of things in the background. right or wrong. But really letting go of the issue will take a lot of time and soul-searching. It is not done in a week I think. Neither your own transformation (what could have possibly changed in a week that can last?), nor your feelings about the affair will magically morph.

Second, you are chasing your wife and driving her away further. Let her go. She is gone. She left. She does not want you. Chasing her now will make you seem really weak. She already has little regard for you: she probably resents the no job thing, the moving in with parents thing, and many many more things. Chasing her reinforces a notion that you are not really a strong person inside. She will run.

Third, chasing her takes the focus off of you. Do you have a job yet? If not, get one; now. Take whatever you can get. Do you have friends? Make some. Do you have a social network at all? You need to reconnect. DO you have any hobbies. Now is the time to get into something. Are you in shape physically? If not, get to a gym and get in shape. Are you in counseling? If you can afford it, that would help you tremendously.

You can use this to become a better, stronger person, or you can come out of this the same old person. Don't do any of the suggestions to win her back; that will not work. Do it for you. 

There is a book called "Codependent No More." Might be for you.


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

Conrad said:


> No
> 
> It may just be her giving you the opportunity to chase.


I know that I haven't been there in the past months and I understand the pain that she went through feeling unloved because I'm going through it right now. I hate that I have hurt her like I have and I hate that she's not fighting for me and for this relationship when I'm doing everything in my power to get her back home.

Her parents are both really religious and she used to be as well, so they are very pro-marriage and have kind of taken my side in this whole thing. Even though they don't know she cheated on me. I agreed to keep it a secret from both of our families to protect her reputation just in case we got back together.

I have bent over backwards for her and it has to stop because it's not working. She is just further away from me now than when we started this whole thing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

alman88 said:


> I know that I haven't been there in the past months and I understand the pain that she went through feeling unloved because I'm going through it right now. I hate that I have hurt her like I have and I hate that she's not fighting for me and for this relationship when I'm doing everything in my power to get her back home.
> 
> Her parents are both really religious and she used to be as well, so they are very pro-marriage and have kind of taken my side in this whole thing. Even though they don't know she cheated on me. I agreed to keep it a secret from both of our families to protect her reputation just in case we got back together.
> 
> I have bent over backwards for her and it has to stop because it's not working. She is just further away from me now than when we started this whole thing.


Keeping secrets is a terrible idea.

Exposing her behavior is your best route to reconciliation.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OP, you don't seem to be focusing on the fact that your W was ready to leave you *for another woman*. There are issues here for you as a couple that go beyond whether she comes back to you or not.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She cheats on you and breaks your heart... And then has the nerve to ask you to protect her rep?

Oh man. You need to find your inner rage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

It was actually me who suggested keeping it a secret. I'm too much of a nice guy and I love her parents. Her Dad has been like a father to me, more than my own and they have allowed to me to stay with them until I get on my feet. So I didn't want to hurt them, either. 

I actually found out that I got a job the same day that she left last week. I thought that things were starting to look up and then this all happened. I drove halfway back to my home state to give her the space that she wanted and then decided to come back. This job is important to me and I do have friends up here and her parents are like family to me. I made the decision to stay here no matter what happens in our marriage and take the job that I deserve and to have the life that I deserve.

I was so strong on the way back home, saying over and over that no matter what happens that I'll be happy and that it doesn't matter if she comes back because I was going to make my life better. And then I got to the house and saw all of her pictures and saw her mom. And now I'm hurting so much from the pain.

As crazy as it sounds I don't think that she cheated on me before December because I was a bit nosy and logged onto her Facebook and read some of the messages and it was only a friendship until December until they got drunk and kissed. So, I don't think that she cheated any other time but I don't know what she's doing at the moment. She's supposed to call me tomorrow to talk.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I don't now Conrad, telling her parents? Playing them off against her doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Why shoudl they know? And the other W. thing, if they are certain kind of religious will just be a nightmare. 

I would let that be and stop talking to her parents much.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Arendt said:


> I don't now Conrad, telling her parents? Playing them off against her doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Why shoudl they know? And the other W. thing, if they are certain kind of religious will just be a nightmare.
> 
> I would let that be and stop talking to her parents much.


She clearly is testing how much he'll tolerate.

The answer should be, far less than she's already dished out.


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

Conrad said:


> She clearly is testing how much he'll tolerate.
> 
> The answer should be, far less than she's already dished out.


I still want her back, despite everything and I know that if I divulge the secret that it's over. There's no way that I would be able to get her back. And I truly do want her back because I love her and I made vows to her and I believe in marriage and I think that if 2 people try as hard as possible that they can fix anything.

I'm here trying to fix it and I'm just waiting for her to wise up and realize that I'm a good man.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alman88 said:


> I still want her back, despite everything and I know that if I divulge the secret that it's over. There's no way that I would be able to get her back. And I truly do want her back because I love her and I made vows to her and I believe in marriage and I think that if 2 people try as hard as possible that they can fix anything.
> 
> I'm here trying to fix it and I'm just waiting for her to wise up and realize that I'm a good man.


Read the book Married Mans Sex Life Primer NOW!
Stop covering for her please.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Man oh man you need help my friend. 

Here's the deal: if you have no love for yourself, no respect for yourself, then why should she? Ponder that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

I used to have no love for myself or respect for myself. I grew up being rejected and hurt and made to feel like I was the biggest loser in the world and I never truly looked at myself and tried to fix it. In just a short time I've realized that I'm not a bad guy and I am starting to love and respect myself again. It's not something that's easy for me but I know that if I need to work on myself and I've taken strides to do that. Not only because I want her back in my life but because I want to better myself and be happy with or without her.

Right now, I can't see myself losing her and it's hard to know that she's slipping through my fingers. Late and night and early in the morning are the hardest and right now the only thing I want to do is to call or text her. This is the time that we're normally up and getting ready for the day together and It just sucks that I'm not able to see or talk to my wife whenever I want to. I do have hope that her having her space and time away from me will get her head cleared and she'll come back home to work it out but the wait is excruciatingly long and hard.

If she calls I plan on telling her that I understand her decision to need space because we both needed it to think about what we truly want and that the person she fell in love with was gone for so long but now it's back and it's stronger than ever because of what I've went through. 

She has agreed to the separation instead of a divorce so I truly think that she wants to do everything to make it work out and the only thing that I can do is hold on for as long as possible. Have to keep fighting not to call her or communicate with her unless he calls me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have a mod move this to the CWI section so people can talk sense into you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Feelingsadnlonely (Mar 3, 2014)

I know how you are feeling right now. My H left in January. I too texted him and called him at the very beginning because I could not live without him. I still feel the same but now I have just left him alone. I know it's hard, I totally get that. But please hang in there and let her be for now. I really do hope that she will return to you someday. I have hopes that my H will come back to me too. I do feel that giving him his space that he wanted is working. He has been talking to family members telling them that his head is getting clear now and he's thinking about what steps to take next with us. But he did say he did not want a divorce like your W said too. And yes, that is a good thing. 

Just have lots of hope, don't beg or contact her, and if this universe wants you back together, you will be. Just take it day by day. I have a lot of friends that have gone through separations, even getting divorced, and have reconciled with their spouses. So I do have hope for you and for me. Hang in there...


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

alman88 said:


> I still want her back, despite everything and I know that if I divulge the secret that it's over. There's no way that I would be able to get her back. And I truly do want her back because I love her and I made vows to her and I believe in marriage and I think that if 2 people try as hard as possible that they can fix anything.
> 
> I'm here trying to fix it and I'm just waiting for her to wise up and realize that I'm a good man.


This sounds so much like what has been running through my head for the last week. I have to keep reminding myself that he chose the OW, regardless of how that turns out, he threw me away. It doesn't matter that I believe that marriage means working at any obstacles. That I meant till death do us part, better or worse... it takes both parties to make a marriage. 
You need to focus on you. If she decides she wants to work at it too... that is a whole other story. But for now, take care of you. Let her take care of her. I know it is hard, so freaking hard. And I really feel for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Sorry your in this situation, I agree with the others that you need to put some boundaries in place as she's walking all over you & you seem to be allowing that - focus on YOU and how to better yourself, you can't control her or her feelings but you can control your own.

Has she told you she likes women before or was this news to you?


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## alman88 (Mar 12, 2014)

Blah! Today sucked majorly! I tried as hard as I could to not contact her and give her that space that she wanted and I broke down and sent her a long message saying that she needed to forgive herself and that she needed to figure out what she wanted. Of course my intention was to try to get her to actually talk to her parents about what happened. I decided to tell her Dad about it and he was shocked but thought that something was going on with them and told me that he was still doing everything he could to get her to forgive herself.

Now, I'm back to no contact and as hard as it is for me, I know that that's the right thing to do in the long run. She needs her space to think about things and I need to work on myself and get myself happy again. Luckily I start my new job tomorrow so I'll actually have some time that I won't have to constantly think about her.

She has mentioned a few pecks on the cheek at parties and stuff but it was just friendly fun stuff. To my knowledge she had never had any sexual experience but with me, she was a virgin when we met. The OW is about 8 years older than her and is way more experienced than my wife so I think that played into it as well.

I don't condone what she did and I don't like it but I do believe that people can survive anything in a marriage and I'm not one to give up easily. If she doesn't want to work it out than I'll move on with my life and if she does want to come back then I'll make sure that she earns my trust back.

Tomorrow is a new day and I'll pray that it's a good one and I'll do whatever I can to make it good for me. One step at a time. Thank you all for helping me through this!


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

"I think that if 2 people try as hard as possible that they can fix anything. I'm here trying to fix it and I'm just waiting for her to wise up and realize that I'm a good man."

Oh, gosh. You sound like a very decent young guy, but your lack of experience has you in way over your head. I like bandit's advice about taking this to the CWI section. However, it sounds like your mind is made up, your 'plan' in place. I wish you well, sincerely. But this situation is far worse than you're imagining it to be.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Oneitis can last for months, even years. Can wreck your life. You need to embrace the end of this false relationship as a blessing. Stop thinking about your wife by her name, that is making your longing more painful. You should call her Ms Rugmuncher, not because you are down of lesbians, but because you need to wean yourself of a person who is not interested in you sexually or emotionally.

Write that you are divorced on your status.


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