# Tomorrow marks one year since DDay



## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

It's been quite some time since I have posted and thought with the impending day tomorrow I would log in with an update. My whole story can be found on here, but the gist is my H of 20 years had an EA where he was sex chatting with younger women for several weeks before I discovered it. More recently a 7 year porn addiction was also discussed and that has also completely stopped since DDay. 

Needless to say it has been quite a year. Upon discovery we immediately entered into MC and worked things out for a few months. I then went on to IC and only had 5 sessions before I had to terminate it. (Insurance reasons.) More importantly we have been in R and working hard to overcome this betrayal. My emotions have been all over the place and til this day there are days where I am all in and other days where I question myself for trying to work through this. 

My H has completely and willingly stopped all of his activities and has been completely transparent with giving me all of his passwords, full access to everything and willing to discuss this mess most of the time. ( I have checked phones and computers and NEVER find any reason to doubt him.) Yet, there are times where that ugly fear rears its head and I question what he is doing or thinking. I know it is my issue, not him doing anything and yet I resent that I feel this way from time to time. He despises when I come on here and vehemently says that by coming here I stop myself from healing and allow "the ugliness" of other's indiscretions to set me back by stirring it all up. I disagree, but that is his opinion. He feels that this terrible choice that he made will make us stronger and better, even though I was the one who was so badly hurt. I resent that too! 

Even to this day, he knows what he did was so wrong and hurtful, but I don't really think he sees what he did was as bad as having a sexual or LTR with another woman. He has read all of the pertinent info and agrees with me that it was an EA, (because the internet says it is) but even as of today, he said he doesn't see what he did as "cheating", primarily because it did not involve physical touching. :scratchhead:

So...I guess here is my bottom line, here I have this man who is very loving, affectionate, very remorseful and sorry for the hurt he has caused me and I continue to sit here one year later loving him and at times hating him for what he did to "us". 

I know many TAM'ers say that R takes a lot of time, but I wonder how long until you stop thinking about it and harboring the hatred for the indiscretion and bad choices. I continue to struggle with his reasons/excuses of boredom and curiousty. I still see them as a lame excuse for his entitlement and selfishness at the expense of our marriage and our children's well being . 

Many posters have said it takes time and effort to work through R and until you have tried it, you have no idea how incredibly hard it is until you are in it. So there you have it. This is my journey thus far...to be continued.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Well you have more than enough reasons to keep trying. Good luck.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

It does sound like he has changed his actions. His support for you could use some work. 

It will continue to take a few more years and his continued actions. Some days are better than others.

I am still trying to get over her actions and it has been 3 years.

Keep busy tomorrow. Do something for yourself. How would your H feel if the roles were reversed? What would he want you to do to help fix it? Maybe he would be more understanding.

Hope the next year is even better.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Some definition issues going on...he goes along with the term "emotional AFFAIR" but not "cheating."

Does he understand that you feel BETRAYED by his having the sexual connections, even if not actual touching, with these other women? That having sexual connections IN SECRET, and HIDING IT FROM YOU, was a form of being unfaithful to you?

If he REALLY understands these things, then maybe his definition of the word "cheating" is very narrow, based on what he truly believes it means, and he can only think of it in terms of having physical sex with someone outside of marriage. Some people have slightly different ideas about definitions of words, sort of carved in stone - don't confuse them with the dictionary, their minds are made up. It's the way they've ALWAYS used that word, and always will.

If he owns "EA," "betrayal," and being "unfaithful," and truly understands and feels genuinely sorry for your pain - then maybe the word "cheating" is something he just won't buy into for what he did ... and maybe it isn't really necessary. Could you let that go, if he really understands YOUR truth, YOUR pain and how YOU feel about what has happened? Because maybe that word is holding back your healing process a bit. Just a thought.

Take care, and I hope it's not a bad day for you.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

BH,

Your husband may not agree that he cheated. An EA may not be technically cheating... Thank you Bill Clinton for having to define the 'is'...

It may not be cheating to people outside of the forum, but it is definitely a betrayal. That is a feeling that you have, and he may be able to deny that he did not technically cheat, but he will never be able deny that you 'feel betrayed'. You cannot deny how someone feels.

When you have those feeling of hurt and betrayal, just talk to him. Now guys are dense and we don't understand English when it comes out of the mouths of women many times so you may have to use small words and car of football analogies but tell him...

You were deeply affected by what you consider a 'betrayal' to your marriage. You want to be 'enough' for him and you want to feel that he will not betray and or leave you when you grow old together. Tell him that there are times you are going through the emotions and you need him to be there for you... Whether you want him to hold you, to listen to you, to talk to you, to make love, whatever you need... tell him you just need him to be there for you and it will take time.

I was out with a beautiful lady the second anniversary of my dday etc... I know that the anniversary date is big to many people. I only remembered because of the date. It didn't bother me at all. Make a new habit. Maybe you decide that your old marriage died on Dday so you want to celebrate your new marriage by going to a new special place around that time of the year so you have something positive to look forward to. It will help minimize the negative.

I am glad you seem to be doing well sister. Good luck and God Bless!


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## kotlarbia (Jan 17, 2014)

It will continue to take a few more years and his continued actions.


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## maleuser1969 (Jan 18, 2014)

I come from the place that it certainly is a grey area of whether or not your husband cheated. But I also think it is completely inappropriate and can only lead to that. Same thing with porn. I don't want to be offensive but you guys were married for 20 years when this happened. Is it possible you could engage in trying to renew some of that excitement that may have went missing. I am just saying that if it was me if you can open up and he can open up maybe there is another exciting 20 years to go. I can almost deal with anything as long as I knew the person loved me and was honest with me. and if he is that way with you I think you can get over the this stuff. And you really should try and get over it


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Here's the problem. An EA is not considered sexual (usually) because its usually between people who know each other and are getting emotional needs met but not crossing the line to physical sex....its emotional cheating

Then you have the cheaters who go to escorts but never try to get a real mistress because they want the sex but NOT the emotional needs to be met. its physical cheating

The line for me is pretty clear, if you can MEET the person its cheating.

Dont let the internet throw you. This isn't porn if its live cam sex. The internet has made cheating so easy you dont even have to leave your own home!

Its true he may never consider what he did "cheating" I know my H doesn't think he was cheating. Then I said, ----"so its OK I go on this site you were on while you are at work?"

NO.

If you think its cheating and he doesn't? be prepared for it to happen again. Its no way to live. It isn't porn if you can meet. Its sexual partners outside of the marriage. I come to TAM because I know I need support to deal with the emotional pain. Your H should not think its bad that you are on a *marriage* forum! Its better than what HE was doing online! What the hell?

Remind him of that if he thinks its OK to make you feel bad for trying to process his betrayal by coming to TAM. He probably expects you to be over it also by now. 

Take a goddess bath, you deserve it.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Also, real time cam sex is sex. They are having orgasms with each other. So the only reason its not a PA is because the internet was the condom. 

They weren't exchanging recipes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

All I can tell you is that it takes longer than a year. Several years, maybe.

Eventually it gets better.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

brokenheart...I think the dday anniversary is a good time to evaluate the state of R... make sure you are on the same page emotionally with this. 

I wish you the best of luck, truly. It would be nice to hear about an R that actually is doing OK...

Take care.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my husband did that (actually, he DID do exactly what yours did) and wouldn't call what he did 'cheating', there's no way I'd be R'ing with him. I also don't call what he did an EA, I call it a PA. The reason your husband did what he did is because he intended to meet up with someone outside the marriage for sex. He can say all he wants about how he never intended to follow through but when it comes down to it, that's bullsh!t. Eventually he would have, if he actually didn't. You'll never know because everything was deleted on a regular basis.

My husband admits this and owns it. Yours doesn't. You need to re evaluate where you're at with R right now. I could never move forward if my husband had the attitude yours does.

It will be 4 years after our first D day in March, and it took over two years for me to start feeling like things were going to really be ok. And that was with my husband doing everything 'right'.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

MY husband also had a online EA which started out as "friends" in a game then escalated to -"I love you soulmate" within the span of 2-3 weeks give or take a week. My mind was blown!! 

It will be two years in Feb since D-Day and to be honest I still have moments where I wonder about our reconciliation. We attended weekly counseling for a year and half roughly and it was not easy. He does show remorse and has put in the work but dang that tickle in the brain is hard to get rid of. 

My biggest struggle is forgiving. It's really hard to do and I don't believe it's one size fits all. This time of year is a trigger because it reminds me so much of that d-day. 

Sure he never got to physically have sex with her but his heart was in love.....a love that ached for her and his history and real life with me was discarded like yesterdays trash. Painful. 


**Wanted to add, that its very normal to still feel pain even if they are doing everything right. I think it's supposed to be our warning system right? 

Porn viewing was also a big part of his younger years and it competed with our sex life. He has now cut that out, not because we are anti porn but it was impacting our sex life. He had to reboot to match my sex drive. 

Mine admits and owns that it was cheating and actually seems to add more "legitimacy" to it by call her is "affair" partner when i prefer to call it his Manti Teo Catfish story. !!!  <----Almost like he doesn't want to be known as the type of guy who falls for someone online like a teenager would do. 

I think in a nutshell, its not that they didn't have physical sex that is so threatening it is the intention if the OP had been local. 

"You are only as faithful as your opportunities" That quote keeps going through my head and its the one nugget that haunts me.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Many of you bring up some very valid points and considerations. I thank you for taking the time to answer and give me your thoughts. The DDay came and went and mentally I did way better than I ever thought I would do. My H planned a nice evening out to dinner and we shared a bottle of red. We certainly discussed what we learned from this last year and what we both need in order to move forward. The evening felt good and most of all we were "connected". It is crazy though, you wake up the next day and feel so happy that you can move beyond the hurdle and relish in the fact that just maybe the 30 years together and 22 years of M can survive this trauma. And then...you stop and realize that at one point you were disposible and tossed aside for what? That hurts! 

I want to clarify that the sex chats were not live web cam sex, but it was on a chat site specifically geared at sexually chatting via the computer keys. I do agree with the notion of what if the person on the other end was within proximity, where that may have gone? My H says you can't live with "what if's". ( easy for him to say, huh?!) The one thing we learned in counseling was that there are NO guarantees aside from holding your own self accountable. There is no way to walk around and know for sure what your partner will do. I still don't buy into that opinion. I know me and what my morals are, and now I have to believe that what he says his morals are hold up and are true. Again, he gives me NO reason to doubt or trust him now, but I never saw it coming the last time either. :scratchhead: I know this...I don't like living with the "what if's", but yet I really do love him!


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

"Again, he gives me NO reason to doubt or trust him now, but I never saw it coming the last time either. I know this...I don't like living with the "what if's", but yet I really do love him! <-----That is what is so scary about trying to recover. We don't trust our inner voice because we didn't see the signs from the first go round. 

Know we _know_ that we have a partner who has the capability to wound us in the deepest fashion. Their version of loyalty and faithfulness looks much different than ours. 

It's ok to really love him, that is the easy part, the hard part is trusting again.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I want to clarify that the sex chats were not live web cam sex, but it was on a chat site specifically geared at sexually chatting via the computer keys.


Does this make a big difference to you? The web cam thing? If its a chat site specifically designed for sex chatting, its not porn. He was chatting with other women in real time? Then you can meet them! It is two way real time communication.....unless he was sex chatting with a robot...

This is a real problem for you. I can hear in your post that you say "nothing is guaranteed" etc, you sound resigned that this is something that is your problem to get over....I hope I just read that wrong. I've been getting a lot of things wrong lately

Mutual masturbation chat sites are cheating. Their purpose is to engage others online for the purposes of sex. Once you are on sites like this, it is only a small step to hook up in person, casual encounters, etc. If you want to protect your marriage you need to take it seriously. It sounds like you have.

Yes, it hurts. Because you are the faithful one, right?

It was good to read you had a nice dinner and were able to talk about the impact this has had on your marriage, what you have learned and process the hard work of R together. I doubt my dday will go that well and it will be 2 years next week...

But I am not sure if I agree with your MC if they say there is no way to know what your partner will do. That is true, of course, but that doesn't seem to take into account TRUST. Being able to TRUST what your partner will do. 

Its good that you felt connected. Do you trust him again? Has he done what he can to rebuild the trust that he broke? I hope so. You sound like a very nice person. I would hate to see your heart broken again. 

There is a longtime member of TAM who said the physical cheating is the dealbreaker for most spouses and his wife didn't cross the line, so he went into R. The therapist told him, "The state of mind your spouse was in? They would have physically cheated if the opportunity arose."

One last thing is to trust yourself. What is your gut is telling you vs. what your heart is telling you. If you feel you can move forward then you have really made a great start. But the feelings you are having may linger for a while longer than you may have expected...

Please take care.


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## arekayone (Aug 6, 2011)

Brokenhearted.....

I don't post often but felt compelled to respond to you.

I am currently 2 years 5 months past DDay when TOM called my wife (of 25 years) on a Sunday morning and all hell broke loose. That was the day everything in my world turned upside down.

It had been a 6 month long EA with a guy she had dumped back in high school that reconnected on Facebook. My two older children and I had both noticed this guy kept commenting on her FB page, and all three of us questioned her on it. They were just "clearing the air" on what had happened 30 years ago when she broke up with him. He lives 200 miles away and is a flaky touchy-feely musician that she was communicating with because he was "really helping her understand the state of her marriage". I caught her on the phone with him once, and I know that she met him for lunch once. I the immediate aftermath of DDay I found all the email accounts, text messages, etc and to say they were voluminous would be an understatement. There is one day that I cannot account for her whereabouts that still nags at me and I may never know the truth about it.

All that said, we reconciled. She spent the better part of a month trying to deflect blame to me, but counseling changed that. I was a wreck for a couple months, but I have a business to run and kids to manage, so I had to fight through it.

The first six months was rough. She made magnanimous efforts to help me through it all, but I was prone to the occasional eruption. It upset her, and each little episode would generally end with me saying something like "you made this bed, now you have to lie in it". Against the advice of my therapist, and my better judgement, we decided to follow through on a long weekend trip with another couple about 4 months after DDay. That was a big mistake and ended up losing our best friends due to my wife's embarrassment over what she had done.

The second six months were easier. I probably had only 3-4 blow ups. After I would get everything off my chest, the pain seemed to go away immediately. It didn't linger for a few days like it had previously.

The second year was much better. She finally figured out the concept of "triggers" and learned how to deal with them. She took responsibility for it and didn't argue with me. She limits her responses to "I'm so sorry", and "I accept that I am responsible for all of this".

I haven't had one episode the past 7 months. The experience is still real, but it is getting buried in the back of my mind. The human brain has a natural way of dealing with horrible crises in which over time, the memories do tend to fade.

The state of our marriage is more than fine. We have had more fun over the past couple years than we had in any of the previous 25. We travel frequently and spend much more time doing things as a family. She has remained true to me (and I have ways of checking) and has bent over backwards to be a great spouse. 

The combination of time and hard work at reconciliation has been a positive for us. I know it isn't for everyone, but for us it was. There have been many on these boards that have blasted me for being stupid enough to reconcile, but so be it. I stay away from this site for the most part because I think there are too many people on here that think they have all the answers without knowing the first thing about the people they are responding to. I understand that there are many circumstances that warrant divorce, but there are many that don't.

I'm glad you gave your spouse the opportunity to prove himself to you. In my experience, the pain fades and time helps heal the wounds. God bless you and I wish you well.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I follow this blog and this was one of my favorite post from it which helped me a lot. 

"All Campbell ever wanted was to love unconditionally and to be loved by someone special, but now his heart was so full of pain and distrust he wasn’t sure whether he could give himself to Sandra or anyone else again. Could he walk through the pain of her betrayal and face the demons he’d encounter if he ever gave himself to her again? For him, choosing to stay would cost him dearly.

Grace isn’t cheap; it comes at a high price. Failure to appreciate the high price paid by those choosing to forgive minimizes the magnitude of their sacrifice. The currencies used by the betrayed spouse to pay off the debt incurred by their mate’s betrayal are pride, ego, and suffering. Forgiving infidelity costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave. It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship. It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind. Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past. It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling. It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life. And I’m only beginning to scratch the surface.

As one who believes in the value of forgiving, I never want to be guilty of cheap grace, where I think it’s something to which I’m entitled. If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship. Anything short of that is mercy, indeed. Failing to consider the price paid by others for my sake causes me to be careless with my behavior. Forgiveness and reconciliation are expensive gifts purchased through great suffering and sacrifice on the part of the offended. Failure to understand that reality makes me blind to the love displayed by those who choose to continue on in relationship."


https://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> I follow this blog and this was one of my favorite post from it which helped me a lot.
> 
> "All Campbell ever wanted was to love unconditionally and to be loved by someone special, but now his heart was so full of pain and distrust he wasn’t sure whether he could give himself to Sandra or anyone else again. Could he walk through the pain of her betrayal and face the demons he’d encounter if he ever gave himself to her again? For him, choosing to stay would cost him dearly.
> 
> ...


This is a beautiful and thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope the best for you, truly.


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