# Separated 16 months - Anyone else still feeling this bad?



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

My husband moved out in July of 2011. We are still married, no divorce has been filed, no separation agreement drawn up. We split up the bills and money shortly after he left. Me and youngest child (16) are living in the house that he is paying the mortgage on. Oldest child (almost 20) is away at school.

I think I have gotten through the whole separation fairly well. Yes, I did the whole begging, bargaining, blah, blah, blah at the beginning of our separation. At times I've even felt like I would completely loose it and go off the deep end, but held my ground and got through each day with sanity intact. The depression lifted within about 6 months of him leaving with the changing of meds (been depressed my whole life). There were certainly times when I wanted to throw myself at his feet and beg him to come back, but I've learned here that that is a no no. 

We've remained friendly throughout, even spending quite a bit of time together for the sake of the kids. He's still very present in our everyday lives as we live just a few doors from each other. I've tried my best to give him his space and let him live his life as well as go on with mine as best I feel capable. I'm not a huge social person and don't get out that often. We still have mutual friends (neighbors) that we see quite often at the same time. Just had a weekend away in the mountains at a friends cabin where STBXH was as well. So, as you can tell, we're very much involved in each others lives.

We were married 22 years, he left the day before our 23rd anniversary. I had held out hope, until he told me straight up at about the 1 year separation mark, that we would not be R. It was about this time that I believe he started seeing (or at the very least got seriously involved on-line) with another W...I'm just now seeing proof via pictures posted on the internet of the two of them from a recent visit he made to see her. I asked him point blank the other day if they are a couple which he adamantly denies. She lives about 1000 miles away. The reason I asked him is because I would like to know what his plans are for our house. Is he going to up and leave to be with her...again he denies any relationship or the fact that he'll be leaving the area or that she'll be coming here. Since seeing these pictures I feel like I've gone backward in the process. I almost feel like I'm starting over. The depression has returned, I feel anxious, sick to my stomach at times. I've spent the better part of the last two weeks crying at the drop of a hat.

Is it normal to still feel like this even this far into a separation? I haven't even mentioned the jealousy I feel. And why wouldn't he be honest about their relationship if there is one? Is he ashamed? Am I being stupid? Blind? Anything? I'm still in love with this man even though I've told myself over and over that it's done. Have I not accepted it? When do you know when you have? This divorce and all the change it has caused is still what I think about every. single. day.

Any insight would be so very helpful.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I, too, have been separated since May, 2011; with STBXW filing for divorce in November. She had twin affairs with two different men from her past both while I was domociled with her and also post-separation.(Long convoluded story) She still has no idea that I know anything about both of her trysts. We rarely, if ever, communicate with each other.

Yes, I do get terribly lonely and really wish that this marriage was over with yesterday. But we're engaged in a contentious divorce regarding a prenup of hers, but hopefully it will be over with before the end of the year.

I know totally what it is that you're going through and I wish you many brighter days ahead!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I moved out from our family home in July 2011. My STBXH initiated our separation for good in Nov. 2011, and moved into his own studio just before Christmas that year, about a month before our 10th anniversary. His studio didn't work out for him, so he moved back in, and we lived together a few more months, though still separated, but according to him 'still working on it.' I had enough, and on Memorial Day I told him I was done. June was spent separating our belongings and looking for a place. Moved into it July 8, 2011. 
I really feel for you. What jumps out for me are these things:
No, you haven't accepted it. It's almost impossible to when you have such constant contact with him for so long. It's like you're not separated really. You handle money separately, and you don't sleep together, but you're still basically a 'family' for the kids. You live close to each other, you do things socially together, you celebrate family things together. Your heart and mind haven't had to make the real adjustment. And now that you suspect he has someone else, you feel just like you would if he was cheating on you while you were still living together.

If you're really trying to move through this process, you need to start really separating your lives. It sounds like you're still living in the marital home, and after being married so long, I'm sure you don't want to have to move away. If he moved close by so he could be there for your kids, that's admirable, but hard for you. How old are your kids? If they are close to moving out on their own, consider getting your own place. I say that instead of suggesting he move away because living in the 'family' home will be a big impediment to moving forward. I did much better when I moved into my own place. I was able to establish my own life, doing things my own way. I didn't want to split, either, and I did all the same things you did at first. My STBXH had multiple EAs while we were married, and has been with his OW publicly since February 2012. If I'd been living in the house and he'd moved out, I'm sure I'd be totally depressed and crazy by now. 

I married late, so even though I wasn't married as long as you, I'll bet we're close in age. I know how hard it's going to be. Hopefully, you have a social network that doesn't include him. If not, start getting out and making your own friends. Ween yourself off of him as someone you spend time with. If you see him with other women on Facebook, block him or at least unsubscribe from his news feed, and don't go looking at his page. 

You don't say if you would welcome reconciliation or not. If so, you'll never get it this way. He has you where he wants you -- always waiting in case he wants you. So he doesn't have to do anything to 'earn' you. He feels free to go out an explore, knowing you're there waiting. No wonder you're feeling more depressed, sweetie!

The longer you stay entwined with him, living so close to each other, etc., you will not start feeling better. It sounds odd to say that separating more will make you feel better, but it's true. Once you start living your own life, finding yourself again, making new connections, you won't be thinking about him all the time.


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