# My wife doesn't know if she loves me.



## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Hey guys, I apologise for the size of this message, its probably hard to read and isn't grammatically brilliant but its late here 02:40 in the uk, and I'm a wreck at the moment to be honest. For anyone that reads this I thank you, and hope you can offer some advice.

As of today I'm a 22 year old soldier in the British Army (will have finished my service by this Christmas). My wife is 21 and my daughter is nearly 2.

I have been together with my wife since October 2009 whilst i was on R&R from Afghanistan. I returned home for good in December and in February she fell pregnant. We had a happy relationship and in October 2010 we got married. 3 Weeks later she gave birth to our only daughter. 

We moved into Army accommodation in a town about 30 miles from where we both grew up, For a year or so things were ok, but got progressively worse until around 3 months ago we were pretty much living as flat mates instead of husband and wife. She always hated it at that house and so did I. Because she couldn't drive home, every weekend we visited all our family and friends with our daughter and there was rarely any time for us. This caused us to constantly argue and we often didn't show much love for each other during the week.

1 month ago my wife went missing on a night out, this inst a completely unprecedented event, her friends are not very observant and she drinks way too much.. its been a problem for us for a long time as it frequently causes arguments between us as I think its unsafe.. She was finally found and dint find out what until the next day. Up until this point I had no idea what had happened, although I knew something had as she was very upset, wouldn't talk to me and stayed at her brothers that night. I thought she had been raped, Turns out she hadn't, she had kissed another man... Ian, a close friend of her brothers who she and I both knew fairly well ourselves. Although I was of course glad nothing bad had happened to her the next part of the conversation tore me apart. She told me that she wasn't happy, she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. Said she needed some time apart from me to make a decision on weather or not she wanted to be in this relationship. For me personally I knew that times were hard, i had been suffering from depression myself and I'm pretty sure she was too, but I never felt like our relationship was coming to an end... and besides I was coming out the army by Christmas and we could go to live in our hometown like we always wanted.

A week passed and I text her at various times throughout this week, we both sent emails saying how we would change things, and what we thought the other person needed to work on. and on Friday we even went out to a fancy restaurant and went to see a film. On the Saturday night she was going out with her friends to the local bar, and I was looking after our daughter. Our daughter went to bed early which left me bored, with very little to do that night, my father offered to babysit her for the night and so I myself went down to the same club (its the only one worth going to) with one of my friends.

My wife entered the club about an hour after me and as soon as she saw me her face dropped, although I didn't intend on actually seeing her out, I decided I would go over and let her know that I would be going home as I had obviously upset her, she wouldn't even let me talk to her, she turned her back on me and told me to go away... which I did, albeit very sadly and with a lot of confusion. The following day she told me she felt like I was keeping track of her and didn't trust her and that she wanted a proper week apart with no contact. She agreed to meet me on the Friday to discuss things, and that things would be better, she just needed a week apart. During this week i didn't try to contact her at all, i didn't even see my daughter because i was afraid that i would see my wife and she would think that I wasn't giving her space which was the last thing i wanted. Well Friday came and she told me she was having a bad day and didn't want to see me... Great.

Since that day I have been seeing my daughter much more regularly and have seen her several times and even stayed round to have a coffee, or gone on a walk with her on occasions. Nothing had changed, she still didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not. Last Tuesday I told her that I thought it was best that we divorce, and so on the Wednesday I approached her with a divorce form saying that I didn't want to be with someone that didn't know if they loved me, turned out that she had been doing some thinking and told me that to her divorce was very final and didn't want things to end because she felt like there could still be a future between us, grabbed my hand and held it, then started crying (two things she had not done since she left) she handed me a load of notes that she had written listing all the things that she missed and all the best moment that we had shared together and asked me to do the same thing. Of course by this point I told her that divorce was out of my mind. I figured that she had finally discovered that she wanted to be with me and she wanted to start working on things. I went home that night feeling really hopeful about what might happen... however the next day she was back to being cold, back to not knowing what she wanted... I felt destroyed, it felt as if she had taken the one bit of control I had and got rid of it by playing on my soft side. When i confronted her and told her that's how I felt she told me that she had just had an emotional day and that it wasn't about control... and that's pretty much how it was up until this weekend. 

This weekend she went out to the local club again with her friends, I was at my friends flat when I got a call at 2am from her brother saying she was late home and had I seen her. I hadn't so I went looking around the town for her for 2 hours until she finally turned up at her mothers house, after being escorted home by paramedics and the club doorman after she was found unconscious in a bus stop. Luckily nothing had happened to her, she had just had too much to drink. I did however hear from one of my friends that she had been seen talking to Ian in the club before she disappeared.

I decided at this point that I had serious suspicions that she might be having an affair with Ian even though she insisted that she had no feelings for anyone else right now (myself included) and that nothing was going on with him. I then did something that I shouldn't have, and I know it was a pretty low thing to do. I knew she had her social network site password stored on my computer, so I went home and logged onto her account... It turned out she had been messaging with Ian for the last 2 weeks. Nothing major at first, just apologising for kissing each other, but they got more and more flirtatious as the texts went on until they were at the point of basically saying that they have liked each other for years and both want each other although they know it wont work. What bothers me is that there is a huge 3 day long party in mid September down on the south coast that they are both attending for a mutual friends birthday... I cant help but worry what might happen as they both made it clear in the text messages that they intended to see each other there. I'm so scared that they are going to have sex.

The next day I told my wife that she had one month to decide definitely on weather or not she loved me and wanted to start working on making things better or else I would leave for good and file for Divorce. I told her that I don't want to divorce, but I cant wait for you to decide if you can find someone better than me or not.

The party on the coast is exactly one month from today. I told her I was tired of begging for her to come back to me, I told her that I was tired of crying whenever I missed her. She told me that was putting unfair pressure on her, I told her that it wasn't, and that If this relationship is to end I want to keep some dignity and self respect at the end of it.

And that leads me up to the posting of this message... I tried to access her social network account again tonight only to discover she has changed her password. She doesn't know I have accessed it as I haven't told her and I don't know if I should. I think that she has probably remembered that her password was stored here and is making sure I cant get on her account. I know it was wrong to be snooping like that but now I feel as if I cant trust her for the month that I have given her.

I have done everything I can since she left me to try and make things better and to try and get her to come back to me, I have tried giving her space, I have been there to help her and I can at least say that I have tried 100%... but I don't feel like she has even given me the chance to make things better. So far I can forgive her and myself for everything and I believe we can work on things and overcome our problems, but anything else I feel may completely ruin any chance we have of reconciliation. I know that we had big communication problems, and I know times were hard, but for me that's all it was, a hard time. I thought things were getting slightly better and that all the bad times were coming to an end. I resigned from the army to be with my family and now she has left me before our dreams can even come to fruition.

I love her very much and I just want my beautiful wife to come back, I want to be with the mother of my child, I want us to be a strong family unit like we used to be. I still cant believe this is happening.

I don't know what to to,  I sincerely hope someone can give me some advice.

Regards, 

Chris.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Chris -- you will get alot of good advice on TAM.

1.Your wife has a real drinking problem -- she drinks till she passes out.

2. Your wife is cold to you because she is in at least in an EA and possibly a PA with Ian. Ian is who she wants to be with and she has seem to already checked out of your marriage. If she is warm to you and has sex with you she will be cheating on Ian.

3. Her getting upset when you walked in the club to surprise is another red flag. Most woman would enjoy a night out with their husband.

4. Her changing her password is another red flag that her and Ian have taken their affair deeper underground.

5. She wants to be married to you with all the good things that come with a family --but she still wants to be single.

6. Her kissing Ian -- I don't believe they just kissed.

If you didn't have a child -- I would say run for the hills and divorce her. But a child causes more issues -- but I wouldn't wait till you get hurt anymore -- you have to set boundaries with her. She has to stop all contact with Ian, she should NOT go to the fair with Ian, she needs to focus 100% on her marriage. If she refuses or says you don't trust her -- you should be honest and tell her she is right. Her actions with Ian have lost that trust you had with her.

If she refuses any of this -- or things don't change quickly and she doesn't work on the marriage -- and Ian is more important than you and your child -- you got your answers on what you have to do.

You are still young -- you don't want to always be worried about your wife. IMO -- it's about time she grows up and starts acting like a woman, mother and wife.

Good luck !!


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Is Ian married or someone with a steady girlfriend? If so you could try to go to that person, explain that you know that he and your wife are engaged in an EA.

Is there a chance you can stage an intervention (by recruiting her family and friends) to get her to address her drinking problem?

Can you attend/ invite yourself to this 3 day party? 

Since you know Ian can you contact him and say that his friendship with your wife is putting a strain on your marriage and you need him to let her go so you can avoid destroying your child's life?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to expose the affair with IAN - in particular to her brother so he knows his friend is making a move on his married sister. 

Does Ian have a GF - expose to her too.

Your wife feels about the way she does because she is carrying on with Ian - they've done more than kiss.

As for her needing space - that is entirely her putting off dealing with you while she carries on her relationship with Ian. 

That night at the club - she was expecting Ian to join her and you were messing that up.

Expose the two of them to friends and family - yes she will be mad - mad that you are being a man and breaking up her freedom to cheat. She will get over being mad and will respect you more in the end for not running away or backing down from her lies.

Fight for the marriage and for your daughter.

Keep in mind that cheaters lie lie lie, and until she's gotten this affair out of her system she will continue to lie to you - so do not believe anything she tells you - especially that Ian is over - until you verify it yourself.

Also put a keylogger on the PC and get her passwords.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Hi everyone, cheers for reading my message and thanks for the replies.

To answer some of the questions:

No ian has no long term partner, he is a known womaniser and very good at it.

Yes I could go to the party, but I will have no one to go with, and if I do go and have to keep track of my wife, is there actually any point? If she is going to sleep with him then I can't stop her.

It does sound like she has done more with ian than just kiss... Mentally yes she has, they obviously told eachother that they felt something. But physically I don't think anything else has happened, none of the evidence supports it. 

I confronted her about the messages this morning, at first I hinted that I knew, I said "I'm not stupid, I wouldn't accuse you unless I had a reason to" when I asked her if she had feelings for ian and was texting him, she looked me in the eye and flat out lied to me. I then came clean and told her that I KNEW she was texting him. At first she got annoyed, I then got very angry and told her not to turn this on me, as she has done the damage. I spent the next 10 minutes telling her how angry and upset I was, I asked her how and why she did this, she said she didn't know... I asked her why she would destroy the family unit for someone she didn't even feel strongly for, she promised that she will stop It instantly. I said that this doesn't mean a lot right now, and I still don't know weather to believe her or not.

She was obviously very embarrassed and upset when she found out that I knew, she even began to cry at one point, (as did I) but I stayed strong for the most part and made my point. she knows I have lost some trust in her.

I then told her again that she still has one month, and that she shouldn't do anything like this again.

I told her she has one chance to come back to be, and that if she betrays my trust again then it will be completely over between us.

I suppose all I can do now is carry on as normal, spend time with my daughter, try and spend a few hours talking with my wife now and again.

I hope she makes the right decision. 

Should I have done this??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi -

It sounds like your wife may be an alcoholic. If so, alcohol comes first, so maybe your timeline is not such a good idea right now.

You talk about divorce but do you really think it's a good idea for her to be with your child (insert custody arrangement) w/o your watchful eye?

I'm sorry if I am wrong about her drinking habits.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks for the reply, no she isn't an alcoholic, at least I don't consider her one. She rarely drinks, I drink much more often as a matter of fact.

The problem is that when we go out to bars and pubs she always drinks too much and loses control... Well not always but every time its a big event I.e. New years and birthdays.

Don't get me wrong on the odd occasion I have too much, but I never lose control, not like her. She is slim and only 5'2" she needs to drink less.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Chris,

Your doing everything you are supposed to be doing, and doing it perfectly! This is exactly how to stop an affair.

Of course there are no guarantees she will come around, but at least you will be in a better spot mentally for whatever transpires.

Usually we have to get the newly betrayed guys to get out of thier own fog and get them to see the light. Sometimes it is a long uphill battle for them to get where you are now.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Chris, you are describing binge drinking. Not very healthy as you've seen. 

I have tendencies towards that behavior too. Won't drink for a long time but I tend to overdo it toooo much when I do.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I think you did right by confronting her. If she truly wants the marriage to work, she can start by not going to that 3 day party. She shouldn't have a problem with that unless she wants to go see other dude.


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