# Where to go from here.



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I have been doing 180 going into week 2 and a few days. I have been feeling better. I don't feel or get touchy-feely when around her and I do not feel an emotional connection from my end. I do not desire her physically. She still hugs me at her convenience depending on who is around, which is annoying and(inconsistency within interpersonal relationships annoys me.)This drives me to make the move towards even less contact and filing for divorce. We were talking vacations then I realized I must do what I am doing, for me. She was recently talking about us doing stuff with the kids. I am bothered by the fact she wants to do all this family stuff now and not when we were a family(when I wanted). I did say I wanted to be friends(ugh!)
I don't know how to address this without seeming like a crazy flip-flopper, that is why I am waiting. I also fear her reaction to me wanting divorce give I recently said I didn't want one( her mother's was nasty a draw out. The marriage was a living nightmare in the worst of ways,my W childhood was terrifying.(could have been part of our problem).

The main question/focus of this post: I am currently in therapy(she is new to it, but it is helping, I like her, and it is the best I can afford given my circumstances), she is discussing ways to to help me put my past behind me, does anyone have any experience with this? What helped you? 

Another part of my main problem is that I told the permanent separation was my fault and that we can't be anything but friends. I would be completely fine being at fault, but I was told I was wonderful most of my marriage even after she said ILYBINILWY and that she was having problems. My whole confusion is that I don't know what to work on in myself. She said I had trust issues, most of my friends and family felt like she manipulated me the entire relationship. I feel like I was reasonable, but regret my snooping in case it was me. Maybe I should just drop it, but I just want to fix me at this point. 
Either way, I am not staying married to someone that lost their love for me a long time ago.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Agast,
Keep it going brother, I'm doing the same thing. STBXW gave me the ILYBNILWY speech in december, filed petition in January. I came to the realization today that I will be able to live life just fine without her, I'm getting myself better for me, so I can be a better father for my two children. I value and respect myself more than to be with someone who treats me as an option. 

Keep it up man, private message me if you want to talk.


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