# Need help with non existant sex life



## wife1983 (Mar 20, 2011)

I have been with my husband for nearly 10 years now. When we first met we were 18 just starting university and virgins. After a period of getting to know each other we finally over come our first time nerves and started a very enjoyable sexual relationship together. At the time 18 year olds were allowed to have smear tests so when I got my letter I attended the appointment and was so badly hurt by the nurse I developed vaginismus. This killed our sex life stone dead as the pain was just unbelievable whenever we tried. When he said he felt like a rapist not my boyfriend after a failed attempt we gave it up. The doctors were no help they diagnosed a fear of pregnancy causing the vaginismus and so I was put onto the pill. The pill killed any desire I had left completely. 

Moving on 7 years we were still together - don't know why he stayed but he did. He asks me to marry him and I know something has to give so I finally get some psychosexual therapy and after a year of hard work managed to beat the vaginismus just in time for our wedding. We managed to have a 'normal' honeymoon but as soon as we got back home everything stopped again. We did talk about children so I came off the pill and now we are stuck in the current situation which is breaking us apart. Now I am off the pill my libido has resurrected itself after an absence of 7 long years. However it has reappeared and my husband has no interest! I feel like a monster as he accepted no sex for the 7 years when I was ill but I am finding it so hard to cope with it. 

I have PCOS so the doctors have advised we need to have kids before we are 30. I turn 28 this year so we started to try for a baby last christmas. So far we have had sex 0 times. Infact we have had sex only twice since our wedding - both as a result of me bringing up the issue with him. 

I really don't know how to get him to sleep with me! Every night starts with a cuddle in bed before we go to sleep with me in his arms. I can often feel his arousal but he never ever goes further. When I try to take things further I always fail. He is very touchy feely - very free with kisses, hugs and I love yous but I just cannot get him to have sex! I don't know if he is scared of having babies and me not being on the pill, I don't know if he is still scared of the 'rapist' experience of 10 years ago (surely the honeymoon was proved to him I could take him!), I don't know if he is just too lazy to have sex, I don't know if he is just too scared to make a fool of himself as we both have only a few months of sexual experience and that was 10 years ago! I have asked him all these things but never got a proper answer. Plus I find it very difficult to talk about sex. He knows the effect he has on me just by a kiss and a hug but will never go further! Honestly I am at a loss. 

It is our second anniversary coming up and I am playing with the idea of a romantic mini-break to see if a change of scenery helps. But part of me is so scared incase that does not help.

The thing is I don't know if he ever takes any real pleasure from sex. When we were together 10 years ago I have no memories of him reaching orgasm. He always said it was all about me enjoying myself. On our honeymoon he came once but that was all. I have never been able to get him to come through oral sex either. (occasionally during the sex droughts we have periods of trying other things) I have read every technique book going and watch too many videos to try to figure out what I was doing wrong but I cannot see that I am doing anything wrong! I can easily get him to the point where everything is tightening ready for orgasm just cannot get him to let go enough to do it! He says he finds it enjoyable and relaxing which is not really the aim of the game! I have gained so may tips through my psycho sexual counselling such as sensate therapy but I cannot get him to try them out. He seems to think they are a bit of a joke!

I know we are both secretly dealing with our needs separately which really annoys me as I never feel happy only a sense of sadness and guilt after masturbating - even something like this is unsharable!

I really don't know where to go now. We are good at the foreplay and the post sex cuddle parts we just keep missing out the important part!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop dealing with things on your own. It's time for a hard discussion, if you haven't had one already. You've gone through therapy, and it appears to have helped you; have you and your husband gone through counciling to try to work this out, if you can't communicate on your own?

My advice... Don't even try to have kids until you're comfortably past this, regardless of your age. You can adopt later if you need to. But having kids does not typically make a stressful marriage any less stressful.

Maybe your husband doesn't really want kids (right now, or ever), and that's why he's avoiding sex? Regardless of what he says to you... Just a thought...

C


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## wife1983 (Mar 20, 2011)

Well this evening just about sums him up. We had another long talk last night - still nothing resolved but he promised he would give up working in the evenings (he gets home from work and then picks up right where he left off!) and actually spend some time with me. I get home from work and the house is silent. I go and find him fast asleep in bed. I decide to leave him to it and go and resume my normal alone evening activities. An hour later I hear him get up, go to the loo and go back to bed! That really riles me. He is awake enough to go to the loo yet he cannot be bothered to even say hello. This sleeping is his own fault often he will stay up (like last night) until some stupid time like 3am and ignore the fact that the alarm goes off at 6.30am! So another lonely dinner tonight then as he is still sleeping. (I know from experience it is not worth trying to get him awake) grr. I should have know not to take him at his word. Am just so fed up. I am thinking of keeping a log of how much time we actually spend together conscious. So far zero seconds today! I think we would average about 1 1/2 hours a day for normal week days (ie dinner time and a tv show) maybe 3 on a weekend day.


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## wife1983 (Mar 20, 2011)

PBear said:


> Maybe your husband doesn't really want kids (right now, or ever), and that's why he's avoiding sex? Regardless of what he says to you... Just a thought...
> 
> C


The whole baby thing has been coming from him not me. He has even let me start the first stage of PCOS fertility treatment before I realised it was a waste of time. (The hospital think we are following their instructions - have sex every two days - don't make me laugh!) It was at his request I came off the pill, it was him who set December as the time to start trying for a baby. None of this is me but I don't know how much he thinks he is trying to give me the answers he thinks I want to hear. 

It all started a year ago when I skipped a period and it just happened that that coincided with a extremely rare time when I managed to get him to sleep with me as result of one of our 'talks'. It was just my PCOS causing the skipped period but over the weeks we waited for it to show he got to like the idea of a baby and was very upset when it turned out to be nothing. 

Me I really don't know where I stand on the baby issue. In my head I figure it as - I want to have sex, have to have sex to have baby, husband talking about babies, husband will have to sleep with me, if baby happens that would be ok. It is silly when i see a pregnant woman I feel jealousy - not because of the baby but because someone obviously likes her enough to sleep with her!

Personally I want to get back on the Pill and be done with it. Having a medically killed libido is better than what I am experiencing now!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Have you asked him point blank how he intends for you to get pregnant without having sex? You say he picked December to start trying to have a baby but you haven't had sex even once since then. That doesn't make sense if he really wants a baby. Since he has had really no sexual experience, could he be really nervous about being inable to perform?

The bottom line is that nothing will change unless you guys figure out a way to communicate about this and find a solution. He needs to have a real conversation about this with you. Is he willing to try counseling?


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## LGSL (Mar 23, 2011)

Can you just go to a regular counselor? First I would try talking to him, though. Try gently to ask if something is bothering him. There could be a variety of underlying issues, but you won't know until you ask. And it is something you'd want to resolve before having kids - well *in order to* have kids! So I vote for counseling!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hubby endures years of sex drought and now you want to have sex, not primarily to please him but to have a baby. You've probably pushed him away a million times. What does he do with all that rejection and resentment? The pill killed your sex drive but you remained on it for 7 years? You didn't come off the pill cause your husband was suffering. His lack of interest now isn't surprising. That he came home every day for the past 7 years is pretty shocking. Every night he spent frustrated, another brick was added to a pile and nobody has dumped it. I think it's going to take some significant counseling.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

:iagree:
100%
Entirely
Completely


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wife1983 said:


> I know we are both secretly dealing with our needs separately which really annoys me as I never feel happy only a sense of sadness and guilt after masturbating - even something like this is unsharable!


 Given the trauma of your vaginismus early on - after experiencing a wonderful sexual relationship together, I would feel HIS pain & loss almost equal to yours but in a very different way. He equated sex with the woman he loves to giving you nothing but PAIN = to rape. This is devestating!! His way of dealing with this was to SHUT himself down completely in this regard. Otherwise, he may have not been able to remain in the relationship. 

Many people can not set themselves up for hope when they see no Hope, sounds like with the pill, you loss all interest after the vaginismus might have not been an issue. It is a wonder he remained when you think about this. So he adopted another way of dealing with the pain -he had too. By his own hand ? After 10 long years, this has became So much of a habit likely, he almost may need counseling to overcome - to get back to "normal", he has lost what normal is. Then it sounds like on top of this, he may have an additional issue of not finishing. 

MY advice --- whoever has the lesser/lower drive, Him in this case, he at least needs to Stop ALL masterbating and waiting for you, allowing you to be his sole pleasurer, this will INCREASE his desire, his firm erections and a greater chance of finishing, as he is building up by then for that Great release . 

Do you KNOW how often he masterbates? And if he is able to *finish* on his own? And if so, how often? 

Need to open up the Sex Dialog, no matter how awkward it is, it is well overdue. A happy fullfilling marriage has regular sexual connecting , pleasing each other, nothing else can compare.

And Yes, he likely has a load of resentment , he may need counseling to overcome in addition to new sexual pleasuring of each other.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i agree with unbelievable. while the reasons for your adversions to sex for all those years may be valid, he hasnt recovered and in fact has become conditioned to do without. its happening to me right now, i am being conditioned


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## Jadegreen (Apr 4, 2011)

You wrote: Am just so fed up. I am thinking of keeping a log of how much time we actually spend together conscious. So far zero seconds today! I think we would average about 1 1/2 hours a day for normal week days (ie dinner time and a tv show) maybe 3 on a weekend day.

yeah, I know this one. I get 1 1/2 hrs on a weeknight (when he is exhausted), plus about 3 on Saturday night, plus 1 1/2 on Sunday morning before he goes to visit his mother, then Sunday evening he usually has to get caught up on work. He complains all the time that I am unavailable. However, in your case, it sounds like active avoidance. It sounds like he has walled himself off from you or his feelings. Can you do something to spark his feelings? maybe take a dance class together? Sometimes I find a scheduled activity, in public, will pull us together because my husband will not break a commitment.


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