# She has pics of OM



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

It's been almost 5 months since I caught my wife in the act with the OM. We were in limbo as to where our relationship was going. I wanted to move past it all, she was still 'confused'. It got to the point where I just played confident and she perhaps realized she made a mistake. She's still in denial, I believe. She hasn't really fessed up to her mistakes. I have to mine and I fell 'clean'.

This last week has been a bit of a rollercoaster. I don't think in details about the night I caught them, just little flashes come and go. We're in a place now where family is next on the things to do. Her PMS came and I have been less than patient this month. On the outside I've maintained a good attitude.

Today, after coming home from a work dinner, my wife asleep in the bedroom, I went to the kitchen to have a couple glasses of water before bed. Her ipod touch was on, so I turned it off (It was playing music.) I saw the photo button and thought "I wonder if she has any pictures...???"

Turns out, she has a couple of pictures of him, mixed in with a bunch of pictures. They are at a friends wedding, he's not alone in any of the pictures. Her pictures folder had a bunch of other random stuff...but I though "If I were caught and wanted to get 'clean' I would destroy ANYTHING that linked me to the OP." She apparently didn't feel the need or hasn't realized. I'm being optimistic in think she probably hasn't gone through her pictures folder.

So...here I am upset. I figured this: Some way bring up the idea of showing pictures on the itouch. If she does so without thought of what might be on her itouch I would assume she just didn't remember she had those pictures. If she DOESN'T want to show me (Which is just not in her character) I know she's got them on there for a reason. She might back them up on her Mac. That's when I might have to snoop around her Mac, find the pictures and then see...

It all seems a bit 'highschoolish'....why do I have to play games? I guess I don't, I could just ask...but that would mean taking her word for it and I'm not in that place yet. Those photos certainly sent my feelings in the opposite direction...


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I have no advice for you, just wanted you to know I have been there! debating whether or not i should snoop even more. It got very addictive, even when I found something incriminating it was like I was on a "high". I say bring them up and gauge how she reacts to them. it could very well be she forgot to remove them.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Whatever is on her ipod is definitely on her mac. They are in iPhoto. She syncs the photos with iTunes and iphoto.

Why not ask her about it?

Tell her you would prefer that the photos are deleted for obvious reasons.

BTW, even if she deletes them from the ipod and her mac, she could still have them if she backs up her stuff using timemachine or some such archiving tool.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

In my situation, I would ask her about it. Heck, I asked my husband about naughty photos he still had of his ex-girlfriend. He's since deleted them. But, I did ask him about them. So, you can imagine that I absolutely asked him about the photos I found of the OW. I've not been shy in asking questions. I also haven't asked him questions in an offensive way, but still asking.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

It could be just an oversight. But then it brings up the doubt in your mind and you think: Why didn't you think about deleting these, why do I have to find stuff and ask you to do it.

I think our wayward spouses either get in denial, or need to be explicitly coached through how to treat us. It's just another way you are not being treated with consideration and sends the message that you just don't matter that much.

I have no advice, but I can empathize and have gone through similar pain.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

SA - just talk to her about it. Let her know that it (W)hen you find pictures of the man she slept with saved on her phone, you (T)hink that she is holding on to a piece of him for old times sake (or whatever) and you (F)eel scared, sad, etc... (S)o you request that she get rid of all that old stuff so that she isn't reminded of him so readily, and you will feel safer with her. Let her make the choice. It is indicative of how much she is willing to work with you!

WTFS - When Think Feel So....

For background info, saving a picture like that is a form of contact - and No Contact is the goal...


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I won't lie...I'm just scared

I can sort of imagine how the conversation would go...she'll get defensive, delete the photos and I'll be sitting there with her huffing and puffing...

That's not healthy for me, but neither is doing nothing. I need to find a way to have them displayed while we're both there and gauge her reaction...just don't know how to do it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I can sort of imagine how the conversation would go...she'll get defensive, delete the photos and I'll be sitting there with her huffing and puffing...
> 
> That's not healthy for me, but neither is doing nothing. I need to find a way to have them displayed while we're both there and gauge her reaction...just don't know how to do it.


While I understand the fear that you might feel anticipating a negative reaction - that might or might not happen, I do have a couple of comments that might help.

1) Your fear is based solely upon your imagination. It hasn't happened yet, and to avoid something because you suspect something negative may happen - or is likely to happen - is entirely within you, it's you doing it to yourself.

2) Suppose she does get defensive? Is that the end of the world? It's very likely she will! Growth usually involves a little uncomfortableness! 

3) You'll be sitting there 'huffing and puffing'? Why? If you already know she will respond in such a way, why let it get to you? Isn't that a bit like getting angry because you know that if you turn your coffee cup upside down, it will spill your coffee - and then doing it? Why get angry? It will happen REGARDLESS of your emotional state!

4) That's not healthy for you. Then don't do it. Getting angry is not the only option. You are not trapped between anger and not doing anything. You can also be calm. It depends on your view of the situation.

Emotions are an autonomic, physiological response to a PRIOR THOUGHT. They either occur because you interpret some sort of input in a way that creates this response, or your body randomly generates a chemical 'dosage.' While you have no control over random emotions (which very, _very_ rarely happen) you certainly do have control over your interpretations of events. 

Your 'huffing and puffing' is a response to having an expectation that you know ahead of time won't be fulfilled. You are _willing _your wife to be cheerful and loving in response to your 'confrontation' about the pictures, while at the same time, you 'know' she won't. Because of this incongruity, you experience anger, frustration, etc. Its very common - you have a standard map of what she 'should' be doing, and when she doesn't follow the path that you've laid out for her, you respond with negative emotions. 

But the notion of 'should' includes the notion of control. And the negative reaction to someone not 'obeying' what you have planned for them reveals that you are devaluing their freedom to make choices. 

You don't need those pictures displayed. You already know they are there, and that the solution is to delete them - thus ending an avenue of contact. Whether you are there when she deletes them or not, the goal, plain and simple, is to delete them. That's the ONLY thing you should be looking for: are they gone? 

So what if she gets angry, or sad? Those are her emotions to deal with. 

Just get rid of the photos. Don't turn a molehill into a mountain.

If she refuses, THEN you have something to work on.


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