# Fight between husband and my mother. Got a bit physical



## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Hi guys, I made a thread before and got some interesting feedback. I put some things into place based on that feedback but unfortunately there has been some serious dramatics! 

As mentioned in my last thread, my husband and I separated for a couple of weeks due to me hiding some serious problems I was having from him. 

I returned home last night to talk things out with him in person. I was very nervous about going back, so my mother wanted to come back with me, check things weren't going to get too heated and then return home. 

When we arrived, my husband began to go through with me some things I need to sort out and I told him what plans I had in regards to the issues I've been having. My mother occasionally gave a comment but it was very calm at this point. 

On one of the points my husband raised (a subject that was quite difficult to talk about for me) I got emotional discussing it. My mother began to interject on my behalf. She was trying to explain why I'd been having these issues but, I think it came across that she was making excuses for me. 

Husband got annoyed about this and began telling her a list of all my faults. She retaliated as he was bringing up things that weren't key issues and began telling him things about his faults that i had confided in her and was planning to discuss with him later in private. 

He got angry, asked her to leave. She said she wasn't leaving until she was sure I was alright. He called the police to "make" her leave. Before they even arrived, he suddenly grabbed her by the arm, put his hand around the back of her neck and tried to push her out the door. I stopped him from doing this and talked to my mother and asked her to leave for now. She is upset I didn't go with her after he "assaulted" her and said I was picking him over her. 

Police arrived, took statements from everyone (they saw my mother after she left). They went, my husband said my mother is not allowed in our house anymore and he will no longer come to any family things with me as she will be there. He said he should be my priority and not be asking him to resolve things with her. 

If you guys were in this situation, how would you respond. I really need both their support right now.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Your husband treats you like a naughty child at best and property at worst. That's enough in my book to leave the relationship and never look back. The fact that he physically forced your mother out of "his" house is just proof that he's not opposed to using physical aggression to get what he wants. 

Today it was mother who was assaulted. Tomorrow it could be you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, I would not have allowed my mother to come with me. Drop me off? Sure. Stay nearby in case you needed to leave? Yes. But having her present in a discussion of marital/personal issued. Absolutely not.

Second, I would not have discussed personal issues regarding a spouse with her. Talk to the spouse about them.

Third, he was wrong to touch her. WTF was he thinking?

Finally, let things calm down. Work on the issues between you and your husband BEFORE trying to resolve issues between your husband and your mother. And keep her out of personal marital issues.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@melodyflag, it's always helpful to include a link to your other threads for background. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/#/forumsite/20516/topics/298249?page=1&postid=13989137


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## MelodyFlag (Oct 27, 2015)

Oh thanks Lila, sorry about not adding that! I can see what you're saying. It was very out of character of him to grab her like that, in 8 years I've never seen him behave like that. Not sure if that makes a difference or not I'm honestly still feeling a bit in shock. 

Chris I agree, I should never have let her come. I had reservations about it and I should have been firm with her about seeing me in the door and then going. Wasn't really expecting her to sit down and listen to the discussion. 

I didn't realise it wasn't a good idea to talk about marriage problems to a family member. I just "vented" sometimes, but obviously she couldn't keep things I said in confidence to herself. 

I have no idea why he thought he could lay a hand on her in any way. He says he wasnt trying to hurt her, that he was frustrated because he wanted to talk to me alone. But I've said I can never see that happen again because honestly, where do I draw the line with that. She could press charges against him! 

I think I agree with your last comment. Maybe it's between them and I shouldn't get involved. I just feel caught in the middle now!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I don't know your back story, just what I am reading on this thread. Husband was 100% wrong for putting hands on your mother. That said why would your mother think it was a good idea to be so involved? When you walked down the aisle to become man and wife your problems are for the two of you to work out. I would be furious if my MIL tried that BS in my home also.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

richie33 said:


> I don't know your back story, just what I am reading on this thread. Husband was 100% wrong for putting hands on your mother. That said why would your mother think it was a good idea to be so involved? When you walked down the aisle to become man and wife your problems are for the two of you to work out. I would be furious if my MIL tried that BS in my home also.


And the mother in law had multiple opportunities to respect what he was asking for...namely to butt out.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MelodyFlag said:


> I think I agree with your last comment. Maybe it's between them and I shouldn't get involved. I just feel caught in the middle now!


That's not what I meant on my last comment. I meant that you and your husband should work on the issues between the two of you first, get to a better place and then worry about repairing the damage between your husband and mother. I really think you should be part of that discussion once you two are in a better place.

And, by the way, part of the discussion with your husband should include his treatment of your mother. It was inexcusable.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's no question that your husband putting his hands on your mother was absolutely inexcusable. Appalling behaviour.

There's also no question that you and your mother were absolutely out of line to allow her to be present during what should have been private discussions between husband and wife. I would be FURIOUS if my MIL (or my own mum) stuck their noses into our marriage. I would never allow anyone but my husband and I to be present for discussions related to marital issues. Neither would my husband.

I won't allow my husbands family in our home - they have treated me like dirt from the day I met him. He's free to go and see them whenever he chooses, but they are never welcome in our home. If my family had behaved the way his has, and he put up that boundary I would respect it.

It's not ok to involve your extended family in your marriage. I never talk to my family about issues in my marriage, not that there are any really but every couple disagrees from time to time. But that is between my husband and I. I only share the good things, and have done so from day 1.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> *I didn't realise* it wasn't a good idea to talk about marriage problems to a family member.


Just how is this even remotely possible?

You definitely knew it wasn't a good idea and you did it anyway. You cornered your husband with the help of your mother and he retaliated. Nothing unexpected.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

frusdil said:


> It's not ok to involve your extended family in your marriage. I never talk to my family about issues in my marriage, not that there are any really but every couple disagrees from time to time. But that is between my husband and I. I only share the good things, and have done so from day 1.


This times 1,000,000. Your marriage is between you and your husband and nobody else. It sounds like OP frankly needs to grow up a bit as the MIL is way too involved in her life.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> Your husband treats you like a naughty child at best and property at worst. That's enough in my book to leave the relationship and never look back. The fact that he physically forced your mother out of "his" house is just proof that he's not opposed to using physical aggression to get what he wants.
> 
> Today it was mother who was assaulted. Tomorrow it could be you.



I don't know the back story and really don't have time to read it but on the surface, meaning this post, I don't get the impression that she's being treated like a naughty school girl at all. In fact, she appears to be the one that is immature and far too involved with her own mother.

You know, my own daughter, now married 8 years, had to do some serious weaning from my wife when she first got married. We told her that we don't wish to be involved in her relationship and would only offer any advice if it was solicited and completely necessary.

People need to act like grown ups and work through their own problems. If they can't do that, they had no business getting married in the first place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just read your other thread. You husband does seem to treat you like a child. How old is he?

I don't see where there is any partnership in your marriage. Instead it's him dictating how things will be.

On the topic of this thread.. yea having your mother involved in the discussion was uncool. Your husband's putting his hands on your mother was beyond uncool. 

If I were you, since you are separated, I would insist on having discussions in public places so that they do not get out of hand. And I think the two of you need to be in counseling.

For example, the financial issue. The best way to handle that would be for the two of you to get some financial counseling/training together. Even if your husband is a super financial wiz, he should go through this with you so that at the end you two develop a joint way to handle your finances. For example, it's often best to put money to pay bills in a joint account. That way you both know what's going on. 

The debt that you ran up. I don't know what your business situation is.. but.. at one time I had a consulting business with contracts to a national lab. They paid on a schedule that did not always match my cash flow. So I had $7K line of credit that I used when needed. A lot of businesses do this. The idea would be to over time save up enough cash to carry yourself over the lows in your cash flow. I don't know if you ran up the debt because you were being irresponsible or if it's a cash flow issue. 

It would be interesting to know why this happened as we might be able to help you in dealing with him over it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lila said:


> Your husband treats you like a naughty child at best and property at worst. *That's enough in my book to leave the relationship and never look back.* The fact that he physically forced your mother out of "his" house is just proof that he's not opposed to using physical aggression to get what he wants.
> 
> *Today it was mother who was assaulted. Tomorrow it could be you*.


I totally agree with this. 

Any mature man knows he can never resort to violence with a woman, and certainly not with her mother. My goodness, they were just words they were having. And for that he felt the need to physically aggress her? 

OP, like Lila, I am concerned for your safety. A man who would treat a much older woman with such disrespect could easily do the same to his wife. Are you sure you want to put yourself at risk?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Any mature woman would know not to have their mommy so involved with her marriage.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> I don't know the back story a*nd really don't have time to read it but on the surface*, meaning this post, I don't get the impression that she's being treated like a naughty school girl at all. In fact, she appears to be the one that is immature and far too involved with her own mother.
> 
> You know, my own daughter, now married 8 years, had to do some serious weaning from my wife when she first got married. We told her that we don't wish to be involved in her relationship and would only offer any advice if it was solicited and completely necessary.
> 
> People need to act like grown ups and work through their own problems. If they can't do that, they had no business getting married in the first place.


That's why getting the backstory is so important. I feel it's worth the few extra minutes to go back and review some of the older posts. It gives me context that I can use to give OP the best advice based on a more complete story. As in this case, what may look like a petty, immature individual who can't handle her business is actually someone stuck in negative dynamic relationship with a man who treats her like a child.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

If your husband was mature enough he would have not discussed anything in front of your mother. All he had to do was say we will discuss our issues when we're alone and stuck to it. The aggression was inexcusable, your mother should press charges. My advice to you is get out of this marriage if he treats you like a child because i believe you have just seen the tip of the iceberg of where his aggression will go and toward you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't know, I read her previous thread and it doesn't seem like he's dictating more so that he is protecting himself. She has an alcohol problem and a spending problem. I think I would become the dictator as well if my H did that.

She felt she wasn't good enough because she always had self esteem issues. He didn't create those issues for her before he even knew her. She hid the debt and the drinking from her H because she felt like she had to, because in her mind, he's perfect and she's not. That's HER issue...not his. Her feelings were her own and she went off by herself and decided to do these things. She should have talked with her H about this stuff. When she first started getting into debt (that first payment she couldn't make) She should have talked with her H - she hid it. She lied. Now, I know that many of us here know what that feels like - to be lied to and blindsided by someone else CHOOSING to change the relationship on their own. That's exactly what she did. 

Now, I don't think his behavior with her mom was acceptable at all. It wasn't.

She shouldn't have her mother talking for her at all. Her mother shouldn't have been there at all. Period. The OP messed up. The OP needs to own that by talking to her H. It's up to him whether or not he wants to forgive and move on because he's not the one that showed unreliable behavior...

I get his side because he's got a great career, his finances are in order, he's organized - and here comes the OP hiding debt and alcohol all the while asking to have joint finances. I don't know, I think he's completely right to be angry and upset (but not so much so that he puts his hands on someone).

OP, all you can do is prove you're changing. Talk to him YOURSELF, not through your mother. He may not want to continue the relationship, then again, he did say he was willing to go to counseling with you if necessary. So, that means that you need to learn to grow up a little and own those mistakes, SHOW him that you're fixing them, and give him time. Allow yourself a deadline as well. If you're working hard on yourself and you're changing things for the better - give a timeline for how long you will wait for him to come around. A timeline that's fair given the circumstances of your situation, say 6 months to a year of positive changes and progression in reducing your debt. If he's not ready to fix things by then, you need to reconsider the relationship completely. 

I really do hope that you can at the very least work on yourself and the alcohol issues as well as the financial issues. I know for a fact that can absolutely ruin you and if you let it go, you will end up in a nasty place. 

Please learn to love yourself more too. Your H might be reallllllyyyy super organized and awesome like that, but that doesn't mean you're a less of a person because you're not. I am sure you have many great qualities that plenty of people probably wish they had. Don't be so hard on yourself because you're not the way you THINK someone THINKS you should be ( if that makes any sense at all lol). Just be you and love you. I say that as someone who struggles with being comfortable with who I am. I always wish I was better at something or had a particular talent or looked a certain way...I know it wears down on you, try to start being okay with who you are.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

I feel like several posters are downplaying the violence here. 

In a healthy relationship, one doesn't involve their mother in a discussion like this. 

But why did OP feel the need or desire to have her mother there? Obviously because she didn't feel strong enough or safe enough to do it on her own. She leaned on the support of someone she trusts.

Husband should have said he wasn't going to discuss with his MIL and left. There is no excuse, no understanding, no forbearance for putting his hands on her. 

There is CLEARLY an issue here with him needing power and control. This is not an isolated incident. This is not something that should be explained away as "well if you hadn't involved your mom, he wouldn't have." That's just victim blaming. 

Not everybody has the same family dynamics. It's not "common knowledge" for every family or culture that one doesn't involve one's parents in marital dynamics. People of TAM forget that not everyone follows the same playbook in life. So maybe we should knock off holding OP accountable for breaking a rule that wasn't necessarily a rule she was taught.

I think the big issue here is that OP doesn't feel safe alone with her husband and he has proven that he will resort to physical force when he doesn't get his way. These are signs of an abusive relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I really wish she had pressed charges, too. I think it was a mistake not to.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband was in the wrong for touching your mother. However, I feel you were in the wrong by wanting your mother there and involved. What is between the two of you should stay between you. If you tell your problems to your mother she will want to protect you and she will side with you and this will be came a bigger mess than you really want on your hands. 

I think the issue you need to look at is why you left in the first place. If your husband is willing to use physical force on your mother and call the police to have her removed from your home, he is likely to do the same to you. Maybe this is not the man you should be with.

If you need emotional support, talk to a counselor or a friend but limit what you tell your mother.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

You guys, please stop telling a potential abuse victim not to talk to her loved ones about it!

That's dangerous! 

It isolates the victim and makes abuse more likely. 

There is nothing wrong with talking to a loved one about your life, including things that go on between you and your spouse.

This advice to keep everything between spouses may be okay if there's no signs of abuse. But it is absolutely devastating and dangerous advice to someone who may be being abused. They must be encouraged to talk about it with loved ones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree, Nynaeve. If her husband would earn her trust, I bet she would not feel any need to go to her mother with her concerns. She would feel safe going right to him.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> I don't know, I read her previous thread and it doesn't seem like he's dictating more so that he is protecting himself. She has an alcohol problem and a spending problem.* I think I would become the dictator as well if my H did that.*
> 
> She felt she wasn't good enough because she always had self esteem issues. He didn't create those issues for her before he even knew her. She hid the debt and the drinking from her H because she felt like she had to, because in her mind, he's perfect and she's not. That's HER issue...not his. Her feelings were her own and she went off by herself and decided to do these things. She should have talked with her H about this stuff. When she first started getting into debt (that first payment she couldn't make) She should have talked with her H - she hid it. She lied. Now, I know that many of us here know what that feels like - to be lied to and blindsided by someone else CHOOSING to change the relationship on their own. That's exactly what she did.
> 
> ...


Would you have told your husband that he needed to go stay with his mother to think over his mistakes? That's where I'm seeing the parent child relationship. 

I do agree that couples should never involve anyone else in the relationship. I mean nothing! My mother had no idea that I was seeing a lawyer about divorce. She would have been just as blindsided as H would have been when the papers were served. That's how private I believe relationships should be. However in the case of OP, he invited the mother into this mess when he asked his wife to go spend some time at her house to mull over her wrongs. That's not cool.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Lila said:


> Would you have told your husband that he needed to go stay with his mother to think over his mistakes? That's where I'm seeing the parent child relationship.
> 
> I do agree that couples should never involve anyone else in the relationship. I mean nothing! My mother had no idea that I was seeing a lawyer about divorce. She would have been just as blindsided as H would have been when the papers were served. That's how private I believe relationships should be. However in the case of OP, he invited the mother into this mess when he asked his wife to go spend some time at her house to mull over her wrongs. That's not cool.


I definitely would have told him to leave if I was feeling hurt enough to not want to be around him. If his mother was the only person around, I'm sure that's where he would have went. 

I'm saying this as someone who has asked my H to leave before because he hurt me to the point that I couldn't even look at him. So, yeah I would have. I don't think that's parent/ child. I think the H is having a hard time dealing with the stuff his W has lied about and I sympathize with that.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > Would you have told your husband that he needed to go stay with his mother to think over his mistakes? That's where I'm seeing the parent child relationship.
> ...


Okay, so would you also initiate email communications with your mil, instead of H, to find out what he was doing to improve himself? That's just so strange to me. I would never involve my in laws like that.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

jld said:


> I really wish she had pressed charges, too. I think it was a mistake not to.


Well, considering that OP invited her Mother along, I think it would be the height of rudeness to press charges against her own Mother for trespassing.

Oh wait. Wrong target.

Nynaeve believes the physical aspects of the situation are being "downplayed."

Well, it appears that the husband didn't cover himself in glory with his actions. I'll agree to that.

As she describes it, OP has a drinking problem, a spending problem, self esteem problems, and an over-dependency on her Mother (which is reciprocated, see "Mother feels like I am choosing him over her").

OP's Mother could have stayed outside, or respected the husband enough to leave when asked, but for reasons that some posters COMPLETELY "downplay," this aspect of things is being ignored.

OP, several posters here are urging you to nail this horrible man who would beat your Mother senseless (oh, wait, he did nothing of the sort) to the wall. Press charges. Throw him in jail.

I actually agree with them.

He needs to learn some things about life, and having the weight of the legal system bear down upon him will help him to learn those lessons.

Lessons like, "don't lay angry hands on women," and "be careful which women you have relationships with in life."

OP deserves much better, and throwing her husband in jail is a great start.

Then she can move on to find a man who will stand by her while she works through her alcoholism, profligacy, and dependency issues. Until that particular man presents himself for you and your Mother's approval, I suggest therapy for those self-identified problems you wish to make less troubling in your life.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Lila said:


> Okay, so would you also initiate email communications with your mil, instead of H, to find out what he was doing to improve himself? That's just so strange to me. I would never involve my in laws like that.


I wouldn't involve parents in ANY situation of the sort. But let's not forget that the OP is having some attachment issues with her mother. The OP is the one that went behind her H's back telling her mother stuff, the OP is the one that brought the mother with her to chat, the OP is the one that was having her mother speak for her...

I'm guessing the H thought he would get a straight answer out of the mother. I honestly think mommy should keep her butt at home away from these two, unless or until her daughter moves back in with her permanently and divorces her H. 

The entire situation is screwed up if you ask me...and it's NOT just the H here. The OP created these issues. I'm not even sure why everyone is ganging up on the H - he was actually the one that was lied to and deceived. The part where is he really wrong here is when he tried to remove the mother from his home. I really don't agree with how he handled that at all. It was incredibly wrong.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I just read your other thread. You husband does seem to treat you like a child. How old is he?
> 
> I don't see where there is any partnership in your marriage. Instead it's him dictating how things will be.


I think she is acting exactly like a child...She is irresponsible with money, drinks behind his back, and keeps her problems secret until they are out of control....Much like a high school aged kid....

He trusted her to handle certain aspects of adult life, and she screwed it up, and then hid the screwup...

Then she brings momma to back her up....Which is playing one parent figure against the other....More child like behavior...

She has placed him in the position of *having* to dictate to her...Just as a parent would have to do to a teen that had gotten out of hand...It is either that or ending the marriage...

Giving her the responsibilities of an adult and giving her the time and space to handle them obviously has not worked...

EleGirl...I would like to see how you would react to an in-law confronting you in your home, and refusing to leave....It is difficult to imagine a more provocative scenario....

I a very sympathetic to the OP's problems, but she needs to fix them with her husband, not with her, her family, and her husband...the hubby/family issue is a new issue, and also of her making.....She is on the verge of being a single woman...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nynaeve said:


> You guys, please stop telling a potential abuse victim not to talk to her loved ones about it!
> 
> That's dangerous!
> 
> ...


I would agree if he ever did the same to OP. While I believe what he did was wrong, mostly on a hugely disrespectful level, it wasn't a very violent action but more of using physical strength to extricate an unwanted guest.

I fully realize he could be charged and am in no way excusing his behavior but it doesn't appear he has ever done this to his wife.

I do believe they should get into counseling and "mommy" needs to stay out of it unless OP is in actual danger.

Maybe part of the reason she is treated like a child is because she behaves like one.

The husband needs to do a little IC to better navigate frustrating and stupid situations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nynaeve said:


> You guys, please stop telling a potential abuse victim not to talk to her loved ones about it!
> 
> That's dangerous!
> 
> ...


Quoting to emphasize. 

There are issues that should be clarified (excuse me if I repeat some of the above)

Generally it's not ok to gossip about one's spouse to family. Either talk to your spouse or talk to a counselor.

But, if there is abuse, then build a support system. That can include counselors and family. It's often necessary to tell some family and friends to get the help needed. A person who is abusing their spouse does not deserve privacy.

I OP was clearly afraid to be alone with her husband to talk to him. She simply handled it wrong by having her mother involved. Her husband also handled it wrong by him trying to discuss things in front of his MIL.

The right way to handle it when afraid of your spouse is to discuss in a public place and/or in front of a counselor.


.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Well, considering that OP invited her Mother along, I think it would be the height of rudeness to press charges against her own Mother for trespassing.


I believe that legally, the home is still the OP's legal residence and she is part owner. She has every legal right to be in the home and to invite whomever she chooses to be in the home.

One spouse does not have the legal right to forcefully, physically throw out a person who the other spouse invited into the home.

Further he put his hands on his MIL. All he had to do was to tell the OP and MIL that he would not discuss marital issues with the MIL.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't let my mother fight my battles for me anymore, so I couldn't imagine putting her in such a bad situation. Parents are there to comfort us, guide us when we ask for advice and be the one person we can count on for unconditional love, BUT, they should never be used as a buffer between us and our partners.

He is your husband. If you cannot talk to him without a support person, then at least find someone neutral that you both agree to have there, such as a counsellor.

That said, I would leave a man who assaulted my mother. There's no coming back from that.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Your husband should not have done that to your mother. He may have been very frustrated but that does not excuse his poor choice to put his hands on her.
In the future, do NOT involve either of your parents in serious discussions concerning the two of you. In my experience that rarely goes well. Your parents are unfairly biased. You're their daughter so that's understandable but not helpful. If someone else needs to be there then it should be a non-biased third party. MC's are great for this. 

Your husband was wrong to man handle your mother and your mother was wrong to have involved herself in your business. Unless either of them understands this, there is not much you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breeze said:


> That said, I would leave a man who assaulted my mother. There's no coming back from that.


This.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Unless my mother was being physically abusive to me, my kids or someone else, I can't think of one appropriate reason for my husband to EVER put hands on her in a physically threatening way. A rational person calls 911 and lets the police remove the person from the house


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Looking back at the other post, I have decided that if I were the husband, I would file for divorce immediately...He is in a no win situation....A childish wife, and meddling in-laws....He should realize he is screwed and drop her like a hot rock....


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Where is the OP accountability in all this?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

richie33 said:


> Where is the OP accountability in all this?


The OP is used to being treated like a child. Her mother, her husband... now people on TAM. The common denominator here is the OP.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MelodyFlag said:


> Hi guys, I made a thread before and got some interesting feedback. I put some things into place based on that feedback but unfortunately there has been some serious dramatics!
> 
> As mentioned in my last thread, my husband and I separated for a couple of weeks due to me hiding some serious problems I was having from him.
> 
> ...


In most jurisdictions a Keyholder (ie owner of a property or their representative) is permitted to use reasonable force to eject trespassers who refuse to leave. This is not assault. (hitting people is assault, and does not aid in them leaving, dragging and pushing and carrying and various other moves are reasonable but punching and kicking is not) 

As for hanging around with a troublesome MIL, can't blame him.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

soccermom2three said:


> Unless my mother was being physically abusive to me, my kids or someone else, I can't think of one appropriate reason for my husband to EVER put hands on her in a physically threatening way. A rational person calls 911 and lets the police remove the person from the house


easy - if she is trespassing and refuses to leave after legally being requested to do so, in a place where the requester has legal right to ask (and enforce) their request.
A rational person would leave when asked - the rational way to deal with this is to eject them, not run to the police every time you don't get your way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I just read the OP's other thread. I don't see anywhere in there that her husband is abusive. I see a wife with severe anxiety, a drinking problem and debt. I see a frustrated, furious husband - but no abuse. I see an intrusive, meddling mother in law.

I am NOT excusing OP's husbands behaviour when he manhandled his MIL - he shouldn't have done that. 

OP you're far too enmeshed with your mother. You are a grown, married woman. Go home (your husband can't kick you out of your house, nor you he), tell your husband that you are making an appointment with a marriage counsellor for the two of you tomorrow, if he doesn't want to go you still go on your own. I wouldn't talk to him about any of this stuff until you've seen the counsellor. 

And for goodness sake, stop talking to your mother about your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

spotthedeaddog said:


> easy - if she is trespassing and refuses to leave after legally being requested to do so, in a place where the requester has legal right to ask (and enforce) their request.
> A rational person would leave when asked - the rational way to deal with this is to eject them, not run to the police every time you don't get your way.


The OP is a legal owner and resident of the house. She has the legal right to have anyone she choses in her home.

Her husband cannot legally kick someone out of the home whom she invited in.

The reverse is also true.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> easy - if she is trespassing and refuses to leave after legally being requested to do so, in a place where the requester has legal right to ask (and enforce) their request.
> A rational person would leave when asked - the rational way to deal with this is to eject them, not run to the police every time you don't get your way.


This does not even make sense.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I believe that legally, the home is still the OP's legal residence and she is part owner. She has every legal right to be in the home and to invite whomever she chooses to be in the home.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I wholeheartedly agree.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> easy - if she is trespassing and refuses to leave after legally being requested to do so, in a place where the requester has legal right to ask (and enforce) their request.
> A rational person would leave when asked - the rational way to deal with this is to eject them, not run to the police every time you don't get your way.


this makes sense - except, you can't do this.

You can't forcefully remove someone from your property. You are, however, allow to physically protect yourself (which I don't believe he was doing)

You have to call the police (this may vary from locality to locality).

Per OP, he did call the police.

I would love to know what happened after calling the police to the point where he went to eject her from the house.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I haven't read every response in this thread, so much wrong from the very beginning. Mom should not have been there from the start. Her going only proves that you can't cut the apron strings. Her going also shows that she routinely puts her nose where it clearly does not belong. Her answering for you is not excuses, this is where you went off track. Her answering shows not only is he discussing or arguing a point with his wife, but his MIL also. This would infuriate just about anyone. I almost wonder if you had mom go so it would be two against one. 

Stop thinking about you, you are a grown woman who is married and you have mom at your talk to resolve marital issues. I would have said hello to mom on arrival and said thank you for dropping her off and shut the door. That is your husbands mistake. You stated yourself this was completely out of character for him to be physical. So I ask you why was mom there in the first place? Mom put her nose in a bad place, husband physically removed her, they were both wrong. Both were angry, you did not mention husband was arrested, so his physical ejection was not very rough. Wrong but not rough, I guarantee you had mom had a bruise husband would have been arrested. 

I'm not so sure I would be jumping for joy about family events with mom there also. Would you if the roles were reversed? At least until the anger has subsided. So now you have more problems then when you started, has mom called to apologize for being there? Has she apologized for not leaving? Then you husband can apologize but not before. Also, you should have told your mom to shut up when she answered for you but I have a feeling this could be why you wanted her to go. To speak out loud what you couldn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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