# Tired of dealing with MIL



## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

Hi everyone! Does any of you have in-laws that are heavily dependent on your husband to the point it affects your life? My husband and I are both Asian and maybe it's an asian thing but my parents are very independent and respect our marriage(they think my husband should come first). They don't do anything to interfere with my life unless it's necessary. My in-laws on the other hand, rely on my husband on every little thing. They don't care if my husband has to miss work to help them out. I resent my husband for not saying no to them. I'm not saying he shouldn't help, but he can't be helping them all the time with things that they should be taking care of themselves to being with. 

FIL passed away recently and I'm scared now that MIL is alone, she is going to rely on my husband even more. I would have been okay if she was an independent person before and just needs extra support until she feels ok on her own. I lost my dad not too long ago in an accident, so my mother and i went through it and know how hard it is to lose loved one. 

I've known MIL for the last 10 years and she is the most selfish person I've ever met. She can't careless if her action is negatively affecting others. All she care is her well being. She dumps all her problems on her kids. She treated her mother so poorly and my husband had to step in. My mother would never in million years do such thing (to dump care of grandmother on me). Now that she is all alone, she decided that she can take care of her mother when in fact, she just can't stand being alone. I just know in my gut that it's just the matter of time she cries for help again and my husband will drop everything and help her. MIL is one lucky person in a sense that all her life, she had people that are enabling her to stay selfish and irresponsible. 

I love my husband and I am happy with our marriage when the in-laws don't come between us. But I do know that the in-laws will always be there and I don't know how much more I can tolerate. I want to tell my husband how I really feel about his mom but I feel that that's the fine line that I shouldn't cross. 

Sorry for the long post. I feel little better now that I let it out.
Good night folks.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I would suggest marriage counselling but with some individual counselling for your husband to help him develop a more robust attitude towards dealing with his mother.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

sadandmisshim said:


> Hi everyone! Does any of you have in-laws that are heavily dependent on your husband to the point it affects your life? My husband and I are both Asian and maybe it's an asian thing but my parents are very independent and respect our marriage(they think my husband should come first). They don't do anything to interfere with my life unless it's necessary. My in-laws on the other hand, rely on my husband on every little thing. They don't care if my husband has to miss work to help them out. I resent my husband for not saying no to them. I'm not saying he shouldn't help, but he can't be helping them all the time with things that they should be taking care of themselves to being with.
> 
> FIL passed away recently and I'm scared now that MIL is alone, she is going to rely on my husband even more. I would have been okay if she was an independent person before and just needs extra support until she feels ok on her own. I lost my dad not too long ago in an accident, so my mother and i went through it and know how hard it is to lose loved one.
> 
> ...


My husband has the same type of relationship, but with his sister. Its obnoxious and she is very manipulative. 

I actually ended up having a serious discussion with my husband after my SIL literally forced her way into labor and delivery while I was in labor with our first child. I told him that I love that he is close with his sister, but I need to set some boundaries to protect our relationship. Just be very direct and try to keep the emotion out of it. In our situation, he finally experienced some of her weird manipulation/childish behavior after she got angry that I didn't let her through my husband a birthday party on Christmas (because, uhm, we were already celebrating a birthday :| ). 

Just try to deliver the message with love and tell him you are just trying to communicate with him so you can avoid building resentment and give him an opportunity to be your support. You may be shocked by a positive reaction if you are careful with your delivery (don't attack her character or be overly emotional). 

Good luck!!


----------



## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

Thanks for your advice! I will talk to my husband first but if the situation doesn't get better I will definitely seek counseling. Thanks again!


----------



## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> My husband has the same type of relationship, but with his sister. Its obnoxious and she is very manipulative.
> 
> I actually ended up having a serious discussion with my husband after my SIL literally forced her way into labor and delivery while I was in labor with our first child. I told him that I love that he is close with his sister, but I need to set some boundaries to protect our relationship. Just be very direct and try to keep the emotion out of it. In our situation, he finally experienced some of her weird manipulation/childish behavior after she got angry that I didn't let her through my husband a birthday party on Christmas (because, uhm, we were already celebrating a birthday :| ).
> 
> ...


I'm glad that it worked out for you and thanks for the great advice! My husband has the same relationship with his sister as well. So not only with MIL but with SIL Both of them are so manipulative and self absorbed people. I think my husband knows that but he is too afraid to say no. I think he is worried what they would/might think of him if he says no. I will have to have "the talk" with my husband. I hope I won't say the wrong thing and will be able to control my emotions......


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

sadandmisshim said:


> I'm glad that it worked out for you and thanks for the great advice! My husband has the same relationship with his sister as well. So not only with MIL but with SIL Both of them are so manipulative and self absorbed people. I think my husband knows that but he is too afraid to say no. I think he is worried what they would/might think of him if he says no. I will have to have "the talk" with my husband. I hope I won't say the wrong thing and will be able to control my emotions......


I know this sounds so lame, but you'd be shocked how much some verbal acknowledgment would help your situation. If he were to agree with you and say he gets where you are coming from or possibly even thanks you for being so patient that could be a game changer for you. I am not saying there's a high possibility he will stop doing everything they ask of him, but if he could at least acknowledge your frustrations or let you vent from time to time, you'd really feel more like a partner again. 

Your talk will go SO much smoother if you start out by saying you love how caring he is or you love how he has unconditional love for his family (because I assume this is true) and keep the conversation focused on your goal of relieving some of your tension by feeling comfortable communicating with him. And if he starts getting defensive, just bring it back to emphasizing that this isn't an "its me or them" conversation, but more of a you caring about the health of your marriage and your relationship with your in-laws. 

And if he doesn't get defensive be sure to thank him for hearing you out and making you feel like your mental state matters too. I don't know if your husband has a short fuse like mine, but it did take a lot of practice to retrain ourselves to not instantly get defensive and mad. My husband and I struggled SO much our first year of marriage because we both attacked each-other rather than just stating how we felt and what we needed. Its also okay to table a conversation and pick it up later if it starts getting too passionate. Turns out there isn't a right or wrong....just compromise!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

We had problems early on. It plagued us for quite some time.

I finally put my foot down with my mother and laid it all out on the line.

I left it as her choice weather she would be welcome around my family or not. 

Today our relationship is as good as its ever been.

Mothers need to understand there boundaries within YOUR marriage.


----------



## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

moulinyx said:


> I know this sounds so lame, but you'd be shocked how much some verbal acknowledgment would help your situation. If he were to agree with you and say he gets where you are coming from or possibly even thanks you for being so patient that could be a game changer for you. I am not saying there's a high possibility he will stop doing everything they ask of him, but if he could at least acknowledge your frustrations or let you vent from time to time, you'd really feel more like a partner again.
> 
> Your talk will go SO much smoother if you start out by saying you love how caring he is or you love how he has unconditional love for his family (because I assume this is true) and keep the conversation focused on your goal of relieving some of your tension by feeling comfortable communicating with him. And if he starts getting defensive, just bring it back to emphasizing that this isn't an "its me or them" conversation, but more of a you caring about the health of your marriage and your relationship with your in-laws.
> 
> And if he doesn't get defensive be sure to thank him for hearing you out and making you feel like your mental state matters too. I don't know if your husband has a short fuse like mine, but it did take a lot of practice to retrain ourselves to not instantly get defensive and mad. My husband and I struggled SO much our first year of marriage because we both attacked each-other rather than just stating how we felt and what we needed. Its also okay to table a conversation and pick it up later if it starts getting too passionate. Turns out there isn't a right or wrong....just compromise!


Thank you so much. Your post was so comforting, I'm about to cry. 
We had a huge fight this morning. My husband is calm, can't kill a fly kind of a guy, but he doesn't take criticisms well and when he is pressed he explodes out of frustration. I'm exhausted and I don't see a point in talking to him anymore as he doesn't seem to what I'm trying to communicate. I've set an appointment with a counselor to work on my feelings....


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sadandmisshim said:


> Thanks for your advice! I will talk to my husband first but if the situation doesn't get better I will definitely seek counseling. Thanks again!


Whatever the source it's extremely likely that for a better outcome; someone, anyone, other than you be the one (or more) who tells him the MIL isn't perfect, and can be destructive to a marriage. 

Start shopping for others to tell him.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sometimes....

Sometimes these situations get so bad, that another person has to step in and put the selfish relative in their place.

That someone may end up being you.

If she really messes up, put her in her place right away, telling her in clear terms that she is wrong or wrong headed.

After a couple times doing this, you will be the bad person, and the weasel will leave you alone.

Mission accomplished.

Don't jump the shark for a small infraction, wait for a big snafu.

Who says you have to be nice to her? If she makes no attempt.
Seriously.





[THM]- Lilith

Before I divorced Butch, I had issues with his momma.
Butch's mother was also nasty. I finally chased her out of the house. I told her she is welcome to return when she learns her manners.
She never did learn them, she rarely came over again.


----------

