# Any suggestions..Anybody else this happen to?



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I am a little older then my wife I am 42 and she is 30. She is VERY sexual meaning she could have sex 4-5 times a day if she could while for me a few times a month would be ok. I wish I could have sex everyday I just can't get going. I know this is hard on her since we are both on opposite sides of the spectrum. She does use her vibrator 1-2 times a day and I have a few toys I use on her. But I just feel bad because I know she needs SEX more then I can give it to her. We talk about everything and about this and I know she is getting somewhat frustrated with it. Any other guys out there that this is happening and or any suggestions? If there is anything you need to know ask away. Thanks


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Volunteer86 said:


> I am a little older then my wife I am 42 and she is 30. She is VERY sexual meaning she could have sex 4-5 times a day if she could while for me a few times a month would be ok. I wish I could have sex everyday I just can't get going. I know this is hard on her since we are both on opposite sides of the spectrum. She does use her vibrator 1-2 times a day and I have a few toys I use on her. But I just feel bad because I know she needs SEX more then I can give it to her. We talk about everything and about this and I know she is getting somewhat frustrated with it. Any other guys out there that this is happening and or any suggestions? If there is anything you need to know ask away. Thanks


One thing helpful to know is that the frequency of someone's desired masturbation is NOT equal to someone's desire for actual sex. Usually someone can withstand/enjoy a much higher frequency of solo play than compared to partnered play. This is because the hormones and intensity of solo play is proven to be much less intense than that of a partnered experience. 

So a desire for one to two times a day with a vibrator may only translate to a desire for two to three times a week with a partner. Everyone is different, so there would be many exceptions to this generalization. 

What I am getting at is that when it comes to frequency, the gap between the two of you may not be as big and challenging as you think. 

I would strongly suggest sitting down and trying to discuss a schedule that the two of you can agree to. This can help you relax on days that there is no sex scheduled and also help you try and build enjoyable anticipation for when it is scheduled. Mostly by simply relieving your anxiety as a couple as to what it takes to make each other happy sexually. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Thanks for the response, we have talked about it. She has said she would like intercourse at least 2-4 times a week, while she continue to masturbate daily. I have no problem with that at all and she tells me when she does it etc. I guess is it normal to feel bad about it. I feel like I am holding her back some way sexually.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Volunteer86 said:


> Thanks for the response, we have talked about it. She has said she would like intercourse at least 2-4 times a week, while she continue to masturbate daily. I have no problem with that at all and she tells me when she does it etc. I guess is it normal to feel bad about it. I feel like I am holding her back some way sexually.


If she masturbates and is open to talking about it with you, try to participate in that indirectly as a way to let her know that you care about her and enjoy making her happy in that area of the relationship. 

By participating indirectly I am talking about ideas to help make her self exploration a little more fun. For example, buy her a jar of coconut oil and ask her to enjoy experimenting with how it feels and for her to try and imagine using it the next time the two of you are together. You could simply give her a back rub with it and then ask her to enjoy imagining the rest while you are busy later in the day with other things. 

Or you could participate in helping her shop online for a new adult novelty to try. Look for something that the two of you may enjoy using together. It could be something as simple and as innocent as scented candles for the two of you to engage in some aroma therapy together. Have the house smell a certain way as a fun way to let her know when you are in the mood! Or have a different smell for when you want her just enjoy thinking about you and perhaps let her know a new gift has just arrived you purchased for her to experiment with and enjoy on her own.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Just to reverse the gender ...when I am at that time of the month I am very creative in keeping my husband happy. When I had back problems and unable to have PIV I made sure he was still satisfied. When I am tired, we have ways to have 'quick fun' before we sleep.

My H has also become very good at considering my needs without any ego. He can do amazing things for me without even an erection and he enjoys it because he pleases me. And hopefully I do the same for him. It hasn't always been this way - we both needed to deal with our egos and insecurities. There is something very special about a man just doing things because he loves us.

You are a lucky man...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Okay, so she'd be happy with several times a week, but could have it several times a day. And she currently masturbates 1-2 times daily. Meanwhile, you're happy with several times a month.

Neither of you are in the wrong, obviously - libido will vary from person to person.

However, she sounds somewhat hyper-sexual, whereas you seem to be more low desire - and that's where the problem lies, obviously.

Unfortunately, as is evidenced by the myriad threads here on TAM about this very subject, the person with the higher drive is the one that "loses" in the end, each and every time. Even when the gap isn't as wide as you and your wifes.

Even if you had, quote/unquote "normal" desire, she'd still be frustrated, I think. If she's in need of some sort of sexual outlet on a daily basis - or more - then even 3, 4, 5 times per week may not suffice in the long run.

Important to mention - don't feel bad about this, or "less of a man", or inadequate. Your drive is what your drive is, just as hers is.

All I can suggest at this point is that you do your best to please her as often as you can. That doesn't mean you have to have intercourse with her every time. Oral sex may suffice a couple of times a week, for example. At the very least, try and be present for her masturbation sessions whenever possible. Lend a hand, or simply take care of yourself while you're next to her. Or it may also wind up with intercourse from time to time.

Basically, the best advice I can give to anybody in an HD/LD relationship is for the LD to make the effort to at least be present, if not participate sexually with their HD partner whenever they can. Sex is more than just getting off, it's about intimacy and knowing that your partner is aware of, and acknowledges your needs. That's the biggest obstacle for an LD spouse - to not minimize the HD's needs and desires.

Oral sex, touching, or even just cuddling up with your spouse while they take care of themselves are wonderful ways to do this, that don't require much, if any, effort from you.

Regardless of all of that, the number one rule as the LD in a relationship is to never, never, never make your higher-drive partner feel bad, or that their needs are minimized in any way, shape or form. If you don't want sex - that's absolutely fine. But your tongue works, your hands work, and you're at least capable of cuddling while your wife takes care of herself. All of those provide the intimacy that the other partner requires.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
As we men age our T levels drop. Have you always been content with a few times a month? If not it may be worth a blood test to see what your free T level is. Also, there are natural herbs and even foods that can increase libido. It may be prudent to experiment with some. The danger is in her becoming frustrated and building resentment for you. Your involvement in her pleasure is important and I agree that you should "help" whenever possible.

I am curious, when you two initially got together was the disparity there from the beginning? In any event, open communication is crucial to allow understanding of what each of you is feeling. Good Fortune.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Do you mean you can't get going like physically? As in you can't get hard? I wouldn't feel bad about that. Her desires are awesome, but from a biology perspective sex that often every day seems kind of impossible, lol.

So, a good friend of mine is a lot like her. She's single so she'll have sex with 2-3 different people in a DAY, but her drive is high. Sooo high. The thing about her is the sex doesn't have to be penetration. Anything sexual is what she's after. Oral. Touching. Bondage. Whatever. There are a lot of things you can do that won't require the physical penetration part of it and trust me she'll be satisfied. With a drive that high she's probably looking for mor ethan penetration anyway.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

A little older? 12 years is pretty significant. And as time goes by, the gap will get more noticeable. Get the little blue pill.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

peacem said:


> Just to reverse the gender ...when I am at that time of the month I am very creative in keeping my husband happy. When I had back problems and unable to have PIV I made sure he was still satisfied. When I am tired, we have ways to have 'quick fun' before we sleep.
> 
> My H has also become very good at considering my needs without any ego. He can do amazing things for me without even an erection and he enjoys it because he pleases me. And hopefully I do the same for him. It hasn't always been this way - we both needed to deal with our egos and insecurities. There is something very special about a man just doing things because he loves us.
> 
> You are a lucky man...


Thanks for the response, I know I am very lucky from reading about other H's.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Herschel said:


> A little older? 12 years is pretty significant. And as time goes by, the gap will get more noticeable. Get the little blue pill.


Yes I agree I'm going to have to get on that path soon. Sometimes it's like trying to hold a mad tiger back. lol


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> As we men age our T levels drop. Have you always been content with a few times a month? If not it may be worth a blood test to see what your free T level is. Also, there are natural herbs and even foods that can increase libido. It may be prudent to experiment with some. The danger is in her becoming frustrated and building resentment for you. Your involvement in her pleasure is important and I agree that you should "help" whenever possible.
> 
> I am curious, when you two initially got together was the disparity there from the beginning? In any event, open communication is crucial to allow understanding of what each of you is feeling. Good Fortune.


I have mine checked and my T is a little low, I am a little weary about all the other issues that come with the T cream etc. No initially I couldn't keep up with her but several times a week was no problem. But since then 2 kids, jobs, houses, more responsibilities etc. Not making excuses as I know other men would give their left arm for nonstop sex. I just want to satisfy her more and don't want her sexually frustrated.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Do you mean you can't get going like physically? As in you can't get hard? I wouldn't feel bad about that. Her desires are awesome, but from a biology perspective sex that often every day seems kind of impossible, lol.
> 
> So, a good friend of mine is a lot like her. She's single so she'll have sex with 2-3 different people in a DAY, but her drive is high. Sooo high. The thing about her is the sex doesn't have to be penetration. Anything sexual is what she's after. Oral. Touching. Bondage. Whatever. There are a lot of things you can do that won't require the physical penetration part of it and trust me she'll be satisfied. With a drive that high she's probably looking for mor ethan penetration anyway.


Thanks for the response. Yeah sort of just not really in the mood. It is not now way I'm not attracted to her. Yeah sometimes I can do other things (I'm not sure how detailed to get here) lol which seems to help while she uses her vibe. Wow 2-3 different people a day. I have to ask are these guys she knows or different ones each time? Maybe her and my wife need to chat and she can help her, but then again maybe not lol


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> Thanks for the response. Yeah sort of just not really in the mood. It is not now way I'm not attracted to her. Yeah sometimes I can do other things (I'm not sure how detailed to get here) lol which seems to help while she uses her vibe. Wow 2-3 different people a day. I have to ask are these guys she knows or different ones each time? Maybe her and my wife need to chat and she can help her, but then again maybe not lol


They're guys she knows, She just had a high drive and a strange schedule. She wants sex more than any 1 person could provide, lol. I don't know if it'll last forever or if she's just in her peak.

Listen, there's notihng wrong with your wife's desires. However, you have to accept that your drive is quite normal, too. It's awesome that you want to please her, but it sounds like you'r eputting a lot of pressure on yourself to have sex 3x/day. Where the F would you havethe TIME, lol?

Also, I'd getthe blue pill if I were you.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> They're guys she knows, She just had a high drive and a strange schedule. She wants sex more than any 1 person could provide, lol. I don't know if it'll last forever or if she's just in her peak.
> 
> Listen, there's notihng wrong with your wife's desires. However, you have to accept that your drive is quite normal, too. It's awesome that you want to please her, but it sounds like you'r eputting a lot of pressure on yourself to have sex 3x/day. Where the F would you havethe TIME, lol?
> 
> Also, I'd getthe blue pill if I were you.


She sounds like my wife! lol Yeah I'm going to need that blue pill sooner then later


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Well all i can add is my own experience, my wife was very highly sexed, she thought about sex a lot and also she would have sex when it was available, not always with me, she was slightly different as she wanted many sexual partners, so i could never have satisfied her i don't think, i like sex to be special and everyday is mundane, i suppose that is why i am single at the moment, it is a complicated issue, it is not easily resolved when their is such disparity between the two of you, but i guess talking about it is a start, good luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

alexm said:


> Oral sex, touching, or even just cuddling up with your spouse while they take care of themselves are wonderful ways to do this, that don't require much, if any, effort from you.
> 
> Regardless of all of that, the number one rule as the LD in a relationship is to never, never, never make your higher-drive partner feel bad, or that their needs are minimized in any way, shape or form. If you don't want sex - that's absolutely fine. But your tongue works, your hands work, and you're at least capable of cuddling while your wife takes care of herself. All of those provide the intimacy that the other partner requires.


This! There are many ways for you to be involved...and she will love you more for it.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> I have mine checked and my T is a little low, I am a little weary about all the other issues that come with the T cream etc. No initially I couldn't keep up with her but several times a week was no problem. But since then 2 kids, jobs, houses, more responsibilities etc. Not making excuses as I know other men would give their left arm for nonstop sex. I just want to satisfy her more and don't want her sexually frustrated.


Has your sex drive always been low? Like you, my T levels were low, and my drive felt lower than normal for me although I could still perform. I went to a urologist. He put me on twice a week injections. My sex drive came back to the point it was when I first got married. T levels also affect your energy levels. I have increased drive and more energy. I didn't realize that T levels also affect your energy level. The more energy you have the higher your drive ought to be.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Volunteer86 said:


> Yes I agree I'm going to have to get on that path soon. Sometimes it's like trying to hold a mad tiger back. lol


*Take that little blue pill and you will be "a mad tiger!"

And if the resulting erection lasts over 4 hours like the TV advertisements say, then just run naked all around and throughout the neighborhood, flaunting it by running down the middle of the street and screaming out at the top of your lungs, "Hey Y'all ~ lookee here!"*


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Luvher4life said:


> Has your sex drive always been low? Like you, my T levels were low, and my drive felt lower than normal for me although I could still perform. I went to a urologist. He put me on twice a week injections. My sex drive came back to the point it was when I first got married. T levels also affect your energy levels. I have increased drive and more energy. I didn't realize that T levels also affect your energy level. The more energy you have the higher your drive ought to be.


No, not really what I call low. I think when I hit mid 30's its started to go downhill some. So on the injections are there any side effects? How was your wifes sex drive? Also is there anything that you guys do to help while yours was low? Thanks


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Take that little blue pill and you will be "a mad tiger!"
> 
> And if the resulting erection lasts over 4 hours like the TV advertisements say, then just run naked all around and throughout the neighborhood, flaunting it by running down the middle of the street and screaming out at the top of your lungs, "Hey Y'all ~ lookee here!"*


If I have one for around 4 hours my wife will be locking the doors and I won't be seen for awhile. lol She would think she hit the lottery. lol


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> No, not really what I call low. I think when I hit mid 30's its started to go downhill some. So on the injections are there any side effects? How was your wifes sex drive? Also is there anything that you guys do to help while yours was low? Thanks


It may be simply something like regular vigorous exercise of some sort that kicks your testosterone back up to normal. I really couldn't find the time myself for that sort of commitment while having two busy teenaged daughters involved in everything at school, plus my work schedule. I was right at 50 before I started TRT, and the difference is night and day for me. There were side effects when I started, albeit kind of mild to moderate. I could be irritable at times, but some minor dosage adjustments and time fixed that. The only real negative is my testes have some shrinkage, but I can tolerate that with the increased stamina. 

My wife's drive was high like mine (although nowhere nearly as high your wife's), but was medium to low at the time I started TRT due to menopausal symptoms, but once she hit full menopause her drive is basically the same as mine..., pretty high. We have always ML at least 4 times a week, aside from after the birth of our daughters, or the couple of surgeries I've had. We are now at an average of 5 to 6 times a week, and the sex is better than ever.

During my low T days I would get a little boost on occasion from either Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis. It helped to enhance sex for me, but you can become psychologically dependent on them if you use them regularly. With the expense of them at that time, I would get samples from my doctor whenever I could and stretch them out by cutting dosages. Every so often I would buy a couple at a time.

I don't like the idea that I had to resort to TRT, but I am horny all the time now like I was when I was much younger. I will be 56 later this month, BTW.

If my wife was wanting sex as often as yours seem to, I would do everything in my power to make her happy in that department. I would certainly entertain any ideas to make things better for us. I would physically be there as often as I could be when she's wanting to rub one out, and I would always lend a helping hand, tongue, toy, or whatever if she wanted. For me, just the sight of her rubbing one out makes me horny, so that may be all I would need most of the time.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Many docs (GPs, urologists) have outdated or non-optimal conceptions of TRT. Go read the T-Nation TRT forum for what a real self-injection protocol and decent numbers look like. Side effects are possible but can be managed with a complete regimen.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Yeah I think I need to get one some pills and injections. I am lucky to have a wife that wants as much as she does and is good at what she does. lol


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