# Coparenting schedule



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

In my marriage I felt like I was always the one left holding the bag when it came to making sure my child was secure and nurtured. I feel to a certain degree that I was being used as free daycare while W pursued her personal interests and hobbies and I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say it was 3-4 nights a week plus most weekends. It doesn't help that we worked opposite "shifts" - she is self employed and does a lot of her business in the evenings (until 9pm most nights). She had mornings with our son and would drop him at daycare, I would pick him up and be home by 5:30. Often she'd go for drinks with her last client after work, or sometimes when she came home early she'd get all dressed up and go out dancing. Times she did stay home would be reality TV night and I was stubborn and refused to watch (and passed over precious bonding time I've since realized).

Now that we are separated and agreed to co-parent 50/50 I am realizing both how much time I put into parenting and also realizing that I underappreciated how hard the morning shift was. My problem is that I was a doormat and felt taken advantage of, that she had no recognition of how uneven the time spent with out son was. And we now have a schedule but she is frequently asking to change it to accomodate her hobbies and whims. I find it is a hard boundary to set because it is kind of new to me to say no to her, but also I don't want to use my child as a pawn in any of this. I want to be flexible but at the same time I know I need to have my own time to start finding the things I enjoy again in life.

I decided recently to not ever refuse time with my son because that is my duty as a father adn I love spending time with him (as exhausting as it is), but I don't really know how to do this and also put up the boundary I need for my own personal time. She asked me to switch weekends later this month so she could take part in a dance workshop, and I told her that I wouldn't switch however I would take our son if she needed me to - that would mean three weekends in a row with me. Today she requested again to switch and I said no because it would mean two weekends in a row that each of us would not get to spend with him and I told her it was unfair to ask me to go out of my way to accomadate her social life. Am I sending a mixed message? Does this make sense to anyone else what I am trying to do? I don't mind being flexible except I know that she will just take advantage of it - it seems she doesn't really embrace the responsiblity of motherhood... I know she is a "good" mother and wants to be part of his life but I don't know if she is really prepared, based on how it has been for the past couple years in the marriage to step up like she needs to since deciding her life would be better without me? This is all so convoluted, I am ready for full custody if it ever gets that far but I really want our son to have two equal parents, plus I know I need some space and time to myself to start pursuing my own interests in life again...

Any advice is helpful...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes it makes sense. But you also need down time.

I think no switching unless it's a wedding or something of equal importance. She can't just keep switching things around.

my ex does this all the time and I'm very accomadating too. except today I'm feeling really sick and he is supposed to have him tonight, so i have decided to make him stick to the agreed visitation.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Yes it makes sense. But you also need down time.


Good, going through separation it is sometimes so hard to determine what is reasonable and what isn't.



Syrum said:


> I think no switching unless it's a wedding or something of equal importance. She can't just keep switching things around.


That's what I think too, but where it gets subjective is how we each place importance on various events - I'm sure to my W this dance workshop is the most important thing in the world right now. If we are rigid to our schedule then we can take importance (and emotion) out of the equation and then each just deal with our own lives as the need arises.

It is kind of stressful to be accomodating for the sake of my son when I feel like she will take advantage every chance she gets. And being tough may be effective but will also put strain on our new coparenting relationship.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

What do you want in the end? Are you going for custody? Or more than you're likely to get through regular proceedings? If so, I'd probably switch for big stuff (like work or similar) and then do what you'd said for the dance workshop--not switch but take him for that time. Then document, document, document (dates, reason stated, amount of time, etc.) how often you're each switching, the disparity in parenting time, etc. for when you go to court.


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