# It's a cliche, but I want to divorce very much, but scared it will harm my kids



## everydaycounts (Nov 5, 2011)

I really want to divorce my husband, I would be relieved if I could. The relationship is cold, hard and horrible. I cannot bear his moods and negativity and blatant disregard of me. We will be coming up for ten years of marriage in Dec, but I can honestly say that besides my 2 beautiful boys (8 and 4) and a very strong career, I have not enjoyed those years with him and I feel (personally) it's time to call it quits.

However, I am worried that this would permanently affect the boys. He (my husband) would not manage it maturely and make it very ugly and difficult, which I do not (obviously) want my boys exposed to. So, I know it is a complete cliche, but I am staying for now because I don't want my boys to go through this. I know that is (apparently) wrong, but I just can't see my way clear to putting my own needs (the need to get away from my husband's daily doom and gloom and negativity toward me) and the needs of my boys - to have access to both their Mum and Dad whenever they need them. I know people will say that the fact that the relationship is not good will affect them anyway, but we do not fight in front of them, so while they (the kids) are not observing a loving relationship, its not hurtful, and they have their parents both living with them. 

How can I take that away from them? I just cannot seem to 'see' the right decision, and have felt this way for a very long time. Whatever happens, things cannot stay as they are because they will blcok me, my husband and possibly our boys from living a wonderful life! Pleeeeeeeeeze help!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

This is a tough one. My first marriage was abusive and we had a daughter together. It took me realizing that our daughter was learning a model of marriage that I didn't want her to think was "normal" or even "ok" for me to leave. Yes, dealing with her Dad over parenting stuff wasn't always easy, but I can honestly say that taking our daughter away from the kind of horrible day to day tension in the home (not to mention the fear of her once again witnessing physical abuse that she once saw and really affected her) was better for her than staying. There comes a point that a marriage that isn't "right" is worse than no marriage as far as it's far reaching effects on the kids. It was the absolute right decision and I have no regrets. 

That said, I do think an honest discussion where you bring to the table that you're at the end of what you can take is a good idea before you bail. Give him the chance to right his wrongs, and if he won't, then you can leave with the knowledge that you tried everything. Also, taking care of your "side of the fence" is important. Understanding that it takes two and cleaning up any of your own things that you're maybe not doing right can be helpful too.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

I grew up in a single parent home. It was tough.

Im sure its just as tough growing up in a home where both parents hate each other.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I was 12 when my parents divorced (stepdad) and I was happy. Finally they would shut up!

I don't know what you should do, but kids know when mom or dad isn't happy. If your husband can't be mature about this, that's on him, not you. How it will effect your boys, I don't know.  Hard situation. I hope you can come to a decision.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

I was 5 when my parents divorced, they kept it very civil and are great friends to this day (I'm 37). Life was tough not having $ but I wasnt scared or anything. If at least 1 parent is caring and keeps a level head it should be ok (wow I am answering questions to you I was asking myself!)


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## lovemybabies (Oct 4, 2011)

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm in the same situation with a 3 and 5 year old. My own sanity and health is suffering being in limbo. People have told me to do thing before it gets nasty but I just can't seem to take the step...just like you. I always find excuses...not before Christmas or birthdays are coming up but I am completely miserable and just supress the feeling and go through the motions of the day.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Yup, I had a friend who divorced her husband several years ago tell me no matter what there is never a right time for this, you just have to do it. I semi told my wife. Semi being I planned to tell her (I already told ehr my thoughts just not my desire for a D), but it ended up turning into taking time apart (me in the basement as leaving completely wasnt feasible). I feel the same, Thanksgiving then christmas. I dont want the kids to think of our issues during the holidays. I will wait to make any more changes though. She actually did go to therapy (she has needed it a long time). I am encouraging it because I hope it will help her deal better and also be good for her long term though I think she is doing it to try to save our marriage. I cant bring myself to say it doesnt matter cause I do want her to get help.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I was 12 when my parents divorced (stepdad) and I was happy. Finally they would shut up!
> 
> I don't know what you should do, but kids know when mom or dad isn't happy


that may be true, but In my situation, my x wife said she divorced because she 'wasn't happy," but it came as a total shock to our kids. there was no fighting, yelling, etc. My daughter has told me several times since the divorce that she used to have a great life when we were together. they had no clue. I wonder if that says something about whether my x was truly unhappy?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

To: Everydaycounts

You said he is cold and the marriage is horrible. You also said your husband would make a divorce ugly. Why is your husband so cold? Have you asked him what the problem is? Was he cold when you married him? What happened to the relationship? Ask him if he is happy.

He may say he is misrable and wants a divorce. If he does then it is mutual. At this point the two of you can act like good parents and review your options.

It does not matter how old your boys are. A divorce will have a negitive affect on them. There are no winners in a divorce.

The family unit will be broken forever. I know this from experience. My parents divorced 25 years ago, nothing has been the same. I work harder in my marriage because of it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

everydaycounts said:


> I know people will say that the fact that the relationship is not good will affect them anyway, but we do not fight in front of them, so while they (the kids) are not observing a loving relationship, its not hurtful, and they have their parents both living with them.
> 
> How can I take that away from them? I just cannot seem to 'see' the right decision, and have felt this way for a very long time. Whatever happens, things cannot stay as they are because they will blcok me, my husband and possibly our boys from living a wonderful life! Pleeeeeeeeeze help!


Your kids see a whole lot more than you think. Just because you think you are not fighting in front of them does not mean that they don't hear you, or see and feel the tension between you.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My parent got divorced when i was 12. my mom and I moved 300 miles away, just so she could get away from him... 

I turned out fine. I had a lot of anger toward my dad, however, for a lot of years. He was a very abusive,controlling and bitter man, not to mention an alcoholic.

Your children will be fine. is it better for them to see their parents fight all the time. the tension between the 2 of you, the unhappiness, No i think that is far worse then getting a divorce.

Kids see and hear a lot more then we think they do.. I was that kid once.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

everydaycounts said:


> The relationship is cold, hard and horrible. I cannot bear his moods and negativity and blatant disregard of me. We will be coming up for ten years of marriage in Dec, but I can honestly say that besides my 2 beautiful boys (8 and 4) and a very strong career, I have not enjoyed those years with him and I feel (personally) it's time to call it quits.
> 
> but I just can't see my way clear to putting my own needs (the need to get away from my husband's daily doom and gloom and negativity toward me)


I can see a relationship in which two people did not share in making it what is was. Moods, negativity, blatant disregard, daily doom and gloom, all his fault, get rid of this schmuck and your life will be forever improved. There are so many kids from broken homes moving into adulthood these days that it will seem seem normal when yours grow up.


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