# Am I naive or stupid?



## citygrl (Dec 8, 2009)

Am I naive to think that what my husband is saying is the truth. He had an EA with a family friend, he says nothing happened physically and that they only met and talked about normal things and did not discuss our marriage or any intimate talk at all. Does this constitute an EA?

Is it possible for someone to have that type of friendship and it not be an EA? I believe what he is saying and am wondering if I am making a bigger deal about this than it is. I am so confused so I thought if I got other peoples input it might make it clearer for me. 

He says he does not have feelings for her and will have no contact with her or her family unless we see them at a social function. He says it was not "like that" meaning a relationship. I believe this until I starting thinking about what happened. 

Why did he talk to her on the phone?

Why did he meet her for drinks?

Why did he go over to her apartment?

Then the doubting starts and I get stuck in the rut, if I just think about our future and moving on I am okay, if I start dwelling on the details I get stuck. 

Help me please get away from this and be able to move on, I keep asking why, why, why????????? did this happen. He says he does not know, he is not in love with her. Could it be he got attention from another woman and got sucked into that. 

I also have a hard time believing that she thought it was okay for her to be having drinks, meetings and phone calls with a married man whose wife did not know. She by the way is single and has been married before. How can a woman not know that is wrong to have that type of relationship whether it is innocent or sexual with another womans husband. 

AHHHHGGGGGGGG! This is driving me crazy!!!!!

Anyway thanks for letting me vent, I feel better!


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## hurtbyher (Nov 19, 2009)

citygirl I think you should listen to your gut feeings. He did do some things that were wrong and I also question what really happened. I know from experience that if you feel this way about his actions you must talk to him. You need to tell him that you do not feel right with what he is doing and he should be talking to you not her. You need to stop this before something does happen if it hasn't already. He was getting the attention he needed from her.You need to give him lots of attention and comunicate.. Good luck. I hope all goes well.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think you are either naive nor stupid honey. Your gut is telling you something here, so go with it. Tell your H that the only way you are gonna get past it is if he is truly open about everything. That has been the best advice everyone here has given me. 

Don't worry about her and what she should know. She doesn't matter. Just worry about you and your H and setting up boundaries!


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## hideandseek (Sep 21, 2009)

I think you are right to question their relationship. I don't think confronting him is getting you anywhere, it's time to do a little detective work.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

If the relationship is open and out in front of you, it may be OK. As soon as there is sneaking, something's wrong. That should be obvious. Amazing how we don't get that until we read someone else's words. 

If it's innocent, there's no need to sneak.


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## Beninyourshoes (Jul 31, 2009)

Citygrl,

I am sorry that you are having to go through this ruff time in your life and especially at the Holidays. If you have read my story, you know that I as many others have been through hell with you.

First off, your gut instinct is your best tool. I like you, have been married over 20yrs. You learn your spouse like you learn your children. You know when they are hiding something or avoiding something. The trick is finding out what they have to hide. I had that gut feeling for 8yrs that my wife's situation was more than what was on the surface. It just didn't make any since why you would go through all the motions and not finalize the deal. 

For the last 8yrs I have been trying to get over it and heal but my gut wouldn't let me heal. It just nagged and nagged at me and I found myself making sarcastic remarks concerning people and their affairs to kind of stick the knife in her back and twist a little. I know in my heart and gut that nothing else ever went on after that terrible day 8 yrs ago but I just knew there was more. After she could see what used to be a strong man crumble to pieces with just the news of an EA, she felt like there was no way she could ever ever ever tell me everything because it would just kill me. Our marriage became stronger and we felt really close to each other from then on out except for one little nagging in my head thought. Well, last week I went into a dark place (as I call it) in my mind and I pulled her chain and brought it up again and just asked "did you" I could see the hurt in her eyes. I said come on, just get it out, be honest with your self. Then I got the blow to my ego, I got the news that confirmed my gut feeling, but at the same time, the news that I never truly wanted to hear. I can say that right now we are taking one day at a time, she reaffirms her lover to me a million times a day with text messages. I don't have time to think about any of the bad times because she is always calling and letting me know that she is there for me. We started the "Love Dare" book together and today is day four, we are having fun doing this together and the kids look forward to seeing what mommy and daddy get to do each day. Yesterday was buy your spouse something unexpected to let them know that you are thinking about them. I bought her a dozen red roses, she surprised me with a new wedding band with engraving on the inside that says "For eternity, Love ....".
That was neet.

All of this being said, I think I would tell your husband that you love him and you understand that he loves you and that he made a mistake and if for some reason there is more to the puzzle, lets get it out in the open and worked out now rather than having to go through this again. Who knows, if you go through it again, you may not be strong enough the second time around. Your marriage can be stronger if there are no skeletons in the closet. He will feel better not having to live with the lie either. 

I will be honest, it is a mouth full to choke down but if you truly love your husband and you are willing to forgive him, he needs to come clean and you need to be prepared for the answer. I honestly didn't want to know the truth but I could just see something in her eyes that would hurt her to have to tell that lie again. She has told me that even though she was prepared to take that lie to her grave in order to not crush me again she is also relieved to get rid of it and she can thank God that she doesn't have to continue living with that sin. It's gone and we look forward to open communication, trust and rebuilding.

your husband (assuming there is anything hidden) is scared and ashamed to look you in the eye and let you know that he betrayed your trust. How you react to him and your body language is going to make a difference also. If he thinks this deal is going to get out of control, he will deny it every time. Be calm, patient and try to be understanding. It's almost like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit hole trying to get him to come out. Just make sure you want to catch him if he takes the bait.

Good Luck


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I completely understand. The thought that they really could "just be friends" is still nagging at me in my own situation.

BUT

Just ask yourself why they needed secrecy? Why were things being done behind your back unless they were wrong?

Those types of questions always bring me back to reality.

We WANT to believe that all is OK. But when they are sneaking around behind us, and lying to us, then it is not OK at all - EA or PA.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

Great advice by everyone, bottom line is you WANT to believe nothing happened and move on but your gut is telling you otherwise. Everyone's situation is different, but I can tell you that in my situation I decided to go with my gut and confront the situation and there ended up being a true affair going on. He was already 'sneaking around', going to this woman's apartment, meeting her for drinks, etc. There's clearly some issues there, and you have every reason to continue to push this with him until he comes clean or you are comfortable he is telling the truth.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I would just be careful because something little can turn. It happends I dont care how perfect your marriage is its never affair proof.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

sunflower said:


> I don't care how perfect your marriage is, it's never affair proof.


How true indeed. It's like those little labels on the inside of blankets. "This marriage has been constructed with 85% affair resistant materials." LIL


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

HAHA so true! just be strong go with your gut! and DONT BE LIKE ME LOL if you do stay through out it all be there dont half ass it like I do!


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

Do you want to open a Pandora Box that will never closes once it opens > It's all up to you.


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