# Mass Confusion



## jcm (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, I have lurked in forums and sites such as this for quite some time now. Mostly in the hopes to find someone with an exact situation as mine, but of course everyone's situations are different. So here's mine:

I have been married to my husband for 14 years. We married young, at 21, and waited 7 years to have children. We now have two amazing boys together, ages 7 and 5. Two and a half years ago I had an affair. It lasted for two months before he found out. We discussed things, we read a book together, we did all the things you're "supposed" to do to bring healing. My husband tried attributing it to boredom on my part, which in turn eventually made me resentful. And I believe, after much reflection, it all boils down to the fact that we got married too young and I had no idea what I wanted and didn't even realize what it meant to be loved. Unfortunately it took another man to understand what it means to be cherished. My husband has alllowed me and the OM to remain friends. But let's face it, "friends" is a hard title to maintain when you're in love. The OM and I haven't acted on anything, but we are emotionally involved still. I know that to work on my marriage I need to cut contact cold turkey, but every time I have tried it brings me to the point of not being able to eat, let alone think or be coherent to anything going on around me. 

I feel extreme guilt. I know I brought this all on myself so please don't tell me I don't care or I am only thinking of myself. Even though my husband has not had an all out affair, he has pushed me away through the years. But I think it's because he's wired different. I am an emotional person married to a man with no empathy and little emotion for anything in life. Everything to him is black and white and he is so judgmental. We have sex 2 to 3 times a week and he still seeks out satisfaction in porn (though he claims he isn't addicted). And he has looked at it for so long that it is starting to take more disturbing content to get him off. Also, 10 years ago I did an internship for college away from home. It was a 6 week internship and when I returned from it I found out he had fooled around with one of my best friends. So it's not like he is an angel or saint through all this. 

He continues to allow me to remain friends with the OM but he monitors everything. He looks at every website I visit on my phone, he is looking into ways to restore old emails that may have been deleted. I feel like I'm living in a world of chaos and confusion and sometimes I just want to end it and run to the OM. But I won't. I won't do it because I read article after article that states how horrible divorce is on children. And we both have parents that are still together. And my faith contradicts it. I want to love my husband, but it will never be the same for me after this affair. Ever. I have never been lifted up so much in my life. I'm in a lukewarm state that I'm afraid to leave, but I'm miserable. I can't say goodbye to the OM and I can't end my marriage.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Shrug.

My wife has treated me like poo hardcore for two years. It may or may not be turning around now. I am hopeful. I have not so much as kissed another female. In fact i keep them at arms length by design.

So have an open marriage so he can get some also.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

jcm said:


> ... I just want to end it and run to the OM. But I won't. I won't do it because I read article after article that states how horrible divorce is on children.


It's just as bad if not worse for kids raised in a dysfunctional home. It's better to be raised by two loving parents -together if possible - but separately is better than having to live in a home filled with tension. And believe me they'll feel it and assume they're responsible. 




jcm said:


> And we both have parents that are still together.


Did they cheat too? If not, it's irrelevant to your situation.




jcm said:


> And my faith contradicts it.


Your faith? In what - religion? Doesn't your faith have something to say about what you're doing now? 

;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

You know very well what to do.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

If you are deadset on staying married, then you must cut OM out of your life. You need to tell your husband that he has to step in and get this man out of your life. You said it yourself. You feel extremely guilty. You cannot have an emotional connection to someone other than your spouse without this guilt unless you are pathological. Your kids will sense this distance between you and your husband. This is not a good environment for them. You say you want to love your husband. Do you remember feeling this way about your husband before you got involved with OM? As long as you are connected to OM, all of your husbands faults and failings will be magnified.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

jcm said:


> I'm miserable. I can't say goodbye to the OM and I can't end my marriage.


You can. Both if you wish.
You don't want. You want cake. Period.

Going to OM is a source of future misery for sure. Imagine dealing with XBH, kids, family, ILs, friends...
You don't really know OM. You didn't met the real him, the one who was not courting, trying to bed you. His shortcomings couldn't arise in the artificial context of an affair. You know for sure he's perfectly capable of trashingg families out of self gratification.


It seems both you and your BH have decided to continualy tests the marriage this awful way. It's ridiculous. Cut off OM, get past the withdrawal, get over him... then you will have a clearer mind to decide about your marriage without that source of dissonance. Do it on your own. NC.

Thre's not such a thing as remaining friends after an affair as you clearly know, you know you are still having an EA as we speak. End it for good so you give yourself a fair shot. Stop the nonsense.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Another situation where one stays for the children. Not good IMO, you said you'd leave for the OM if you could. You're probably better off doing it instead of staying with your husband and not even wanting to be with him. Kids might be in a world of hurt, but they can't help that their mommy doesn't love their daddy anymore.

Choose OM and set your husband free for someone who will love him.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If you want to stay married, you have to cut OM out of your life completely. You can't repair a marriage if you have one foot in and your head somewhere else.

You also need to go to marriage counseling with your husband to deal with the myriad issues that you two have that are destroying your marriage from the inside out. You've both proven that neither of you are capable of working out your issues on your own, and are just making things worse year after year, bad choice after bad choice, so it's time to get some help. 

Your kids will have your current marriage as a model of what marriage is like - is THIS what you want them to learn that marriage is? Their warped view will lead them to choosing bad partners and making bad marriages themselves. Get some help for the entire family or get out.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I will add to the chorus and tell you that you already know what to do.

You are not chained down. You are just weak and making excuses so that you can cake eat.

This is not some cruel fate that is tossing you helplessly to and fro. You have choices. You have always had choices.

And you affect the future of a number of people, most importantly your H and your children, when you wring your hands in despair over things you can absolutely control.

So, grow up and do the right thing. Either divorce your H and get on with being a single mom (OM will not work out for you), or be mature and honorable in your marriage. The latter means that you stop torturing your BH with your contact with your honor-challenged OM.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

Let's recap your situation:

1. You had a physical affair.
2. Your husband allows(!) you to continue contact with OM
3. You are at the very least still having an emotional affair
4. Your husband fooled around with one of your best friends (??)
5. You cited parents, children, and religion as reasons not to divorce.

Your marriage is dysfunctional, for sure. 

Your husband either doesn't love you or he is, as you said, wired differently. I am leaning toward the former. No (normal) man who loves a woman won't feel jealous about, let alone allow you to continue seeing/talking to a man you cheated with. 

Some couples (half?) get divorce. Your kids will survive. It's better for them than if they find out who and what their parents are like now. 

You have a funny way honouring your faith. You can't pick and choose: so your religion is not a factor when you decide to commit adultery, but it is a major factor in not getting a divorce? Or maybe your religion permits adultery? I'm sorry, I haven't heard of any. 

You are right. You both married (too) young. You obviously are in love with OM. Just pack up and leave, be with your OM. Work together with your husband on setting up the best visitation schedule for your kids. The best thing you can do for them: be the best parents, separately.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Shrug.
> 
> My wife has treated me like poo hardcore for two years. It may or may not be turning around now. I am hopeful. I have not so much as kissed another female. In fact i keep them at arms length by design.
> 
> So have an open marriage so he can get some also.


 =-O well that's one idea I guess?!?

OP....your making excuses, you don't want to let go of your affair partner and you are rationalizing and justifing to yourself why you shouldn't/can't do it. I would be very suspicious why your husband is allowing you to stay friends with your affair partner and continuing to monitor and look for evidence of you cheating. I'm thinking he might be sandbagging (evidence gathering) in case he decides to divorce you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't know what to tell you .. if I were him, I would have said no contact any more with the OM and if I found out you did, I would have exposed the affair to everyone and anyone, I would have left you / thrown you out and started the divorce from hell. Maybe you need to decide to stay or go and end this misery. I think that when any spouse gets involved with someone outside their marriage, they have a serious personality flaw. Your husband's current behavior could be the result of his justifiable lack of trust in you. 

Personally, this is all your doing ... all on you ... and you need to do what's right and that is to cut ties to the OM and work on your marriage. If not them leave your husband. I do applaud you for not going physical again, but those are slow, low claps.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Why not bring your husband here and allow everyone to tell him how badly he is on the verge of getting torched. SERIOUSLY torched.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

jcm said:


> I know that to work on my marriage I need to cut contact cold turkey


This is your answer. You said it yourself. If you truly want your marriage!


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

No empathy? YOU'RE STILL FRIENDS WITH THE GUY THAT SCREWED HIS WIFE! That sounds plenty empathetic to me. Your husband looks like sh*t in your eyes because you are so far up your POSOM's @ss you actually forgot what reality looks like. 

That dude you want to escape from your husband to be with is coveting another man's wife. Only a low life scum bag would do that. You are not trading up, you are trading down. 

Oh and don't talk about your "faith" in the same paragraph where you are talking about being unfaithful to your husband. It screams of hypocrisy.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You cheated! You got caught! You have one of two choices:


If you want to salvage this marriage, then forsake the OM as you should have originally done, and go no contact with him from here on out.
If for some reason that's not possible, then you're heart is with the OM. Run to him, and then divorce your H. But keep in mind that the downside of this is that you stand a rather strong probability of losing primary custody of your kids. The court would likely award that custody to the faithful spouse, so long as they could financially support them.

I'd say that you're using your H as "Plan B." You cannot have your cake and eat it too!

Those are your options! The choice is now yours!*


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Mmm. Mass cake eating.

OP, I'd advise you run towards the OM. Set your hubby free. And yourself.

(This one will do a runner before the third page is indexed on the database.

Bets are open.)


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> No empathy? YOU'RE STILL FRIENDS WITH THE GUY THAT SCREWED HIS WIFE! That sounds plenty empathetic to me. Your husband looks like sh*t in your eyes because you are so far up your POSOM's @ss you actually forgot what reality looks like.
> 
> That dude you want to escape from your husband to be with is coveting another man's wife. Only a low life scum bag would do that. You are not trading up, you are trading down.
> 
> Oh and don't talk about your "faith" in the same paragraph where you are talking about being unfaithful to your husband. It screams of hypocrisy.


Her husband cheated on her with her best friend. There's much blame to go around between them. The state of their marriage is not all on her.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

jcm said:


> Well, I have lurked in forums and sites such as this for quite some time now. Mostly in the hopes to find someone with an exact situation as mine, but of course everyone's situations are different. So here's mine:
> 
> I have been married to my husband for 14 years. We married young, at 21, and waited 7 years to have children. We now have two amazing boys together, ages 7 and 5. Two and a half years ago I had an affair. It lasted for two months before he found out. We discussed things, we read a book together, we did all the things you're "supposed" to do to bring healing. My husband tried attributing it to boredom on my part, which in turn eventually made me resentful. And I believe, after much reflection, it all boils down to the fact that we got married too young and I had no idea what I wanted and didn't even realize what it meant to be loved. Unfortunately it took another man to understand what it means to be cherished. My husband has alllowed me and the OM to remain friends. But let's face it, "friends" is a hard title to maintain when you're in love. The OM and I haven't acted on anything, but we are emotionally involved still. I know that to work on my marriage I need to cut contact cold turkey, but every time I have tried it brings me to the point of not being able to eat, let alone think or be coherent to anything going on around me.
> 
> ...


You will never lose your feelings for the OM and recover them for your BH. Because you will not end your affair.

To end the affair you must go NC with the OM. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JCM, this is so wrong on many levels.

But let's look at this analogy: If you knew a shop/store owner whose wife was very close friends with the leader of a gang of shoplifters who had stolen millions of £/$ from local retailers, including the premises owned by her husband, you'd wonder how the wife could be so friendly to a thief, right?

Well, how can it be that *you* can be so friendly to a thief who tried to steal another man's wife and kids from him?:scratchhead:

I can't get where you're coming from.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

JCM, there is nothing complicated here.

First of all you are still very dishonest - you need to tell your husband exactly what you have said to us here. You should do this and expect the worst I am afraid.

Secondly, it is much better for kids to be raised in a divorced environment rather than in a sham marriage where one party is cheating (and yes you are still cheating). Such a marriage will only disintegrate into pure hell eventually (it certainly is not going to get better!)

Thirdly, this notion you have of things being better with the OM will soon disappear once this is fully exposed (which is what should happen) and you both have to deal with the reality of life, broken homes and kids. Lets see how emotionally supportive he is then.

Finally, you will eventually recognise the OM to be the scumbag that he clearly is.

In any case you should come clean, get divorced (making it as easy on him as possible) and move on before continuing to cheat. Your husband is either very tolerant or very stupid to allow you to continue in this way. Give him a break and get divorced and hopefully you will eventually see the light before it gets even more painful for you (for future relationships as this one is well and truly phucked).


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

A take off of Matthews Gospel seems appropriate. 

No one can have two husbands in their life. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. 

There is no way to reconcile with your husband while the other man is in your life. You can put whatever title you want on your relationship, but there is no way for your husband to compete with the fantasy of an affair. The OM has not paid a bill, changed a diaper, done any of the things we do in real life. Now I don't know your husband from Adam, so maybe divorcing him is the best thing to do, only you can decide that one. However, I can say that it is always best to end one relationship before you start another one. 

Finally, you need to be accountable for your actions. The I can't go a day without him speech is horse feathers. You don't desire to do that, not that you can't. I would recommend that you put your feelings aside, your husbands feelings aside and the OM feelings aside for a moment and instead focus on the true victims here, your children. I don't know if the marriage can be saved, but I think you owe it to them to try. If you have decided that the marriage is over, then just put it out of its misery and end it all. For a child the only thing worse than being from a broken home, is being in a broken home.


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## jcm (Jan 5, 2014)

I agree. And you are right, I am capable of ending it with the OM and me saying I can't is, as you said, horse feathers. Looking at it with a lack of emotion I can see that now. But being an emotional person, I made this post and didn't look back. 

We are maintaining a warm enough environment in our home for the kids. It isn't pure mayhem here. But I do know that they can sense the tension at times. There is a lot of Three Musketeers going on (he's with the kids while I'm at work and vice versa) and it isn't all of us as a family unit much of the time, even when we're all home (my husband spends a lot of his free time gaming on his computer when he's home). There is a ton of love for our kids from both of us, but if we're playing tit for tat it's more than fair to say that they get more attention from me. I'm the one who reads to and with them. I'm the one who sits with them all the way through an entire dinner (hubby excuses himself as soon as he's done to go up and game). I'm the one who helps with homework, etc. But on the flipside, when he does spend time with them he's adventurous and funny and they love that. 

Technology has always been what has separated us from day one. I have always taken a back seat to his gaming, his blogging, his cell phone, his blue tooth, his (name whatever the gadget of the moment is here). So yes, I'm a family wrecker. And so is the OM (though we had many similarities in comparing stories about our marriages). And you make a good point in the fact that I don't know what real life would be like with him. I very well could be disappointed.

But I agree, priority number one is our children involved. Which, as contradictive as it is, and crappy as it may sound, it is the reason I haven't left the marriage. If the kids weren't involved I think I would have left already. But then I read articles that say if the marriage is even somewhat salvageable to stay if you have kids. 

Everyone can have their opinions all they want. I was ready for them when I posted on here and I'm not going to get all whiney about what people say. But the bottom line that everyone is right about is that I need to crap or get off the pot. I get that. Thanks for your insight.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Since joining this forum I have to say I've not run across a situation quite like this one. From the description you gave us, you appear to be the poster child of misery. Your marriage, as described by you, is unfulfilling and devoid of passion, caring, and commitment. I guess I don't understand why you are staying with it. Does your religious faith absolutely FORBID divorce? If not, again, why aren't you bailing out? :scratchhead: Life is short. You deserve happiness, as does your husband. Since he made the bone-headed decision to allow you two free reign to stay in communication, I think he knows that the jig is pretty well up. If you can, for both your sakes, end this charade. It's not a marriage. I'm not quite sure how to classify it, but whatever it is, it isn't good for either of you. I hope you can resolve this and begin to enjoy your life again. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Please forgive me, I am trying to be short, but clear.
Your husband seems to have a gaming addiction, he could get help..
There are a number of conditions that leave the sufferer with out the ability to express emotions. I have Autistic Spectrum Disorder and while I do feel things I can't read people, have a hard time expressing my feelings and I have learned that it is better to just clam up.
As a result my wife left to get what she needed from other men, most of whom I learned about this June. For years I wanted to get my marriage back but now that she does to, I don't know if I want to.
I guess I have been plan B all my married life, because the reason she kept coming back was that her lovers wouldn't leave their wives, didn't want to bring up someone else's kid, or had more than one married girl friend. Now she wants to get it back together again but now I'm not sure I want her.
Please understand that if you leave your husband, leave him for yourself and not to be with your OM. Odds are he won't leave his wife and you will be alone.
If you are truly this unhappy and you don't see making it with your husband, divorce him and find someone who will love you.
If you decide to stay with him you will have to come clean about your affair, realizing that he may decided that he doesn't want you.
Good Luck, I hope you find what you need, but be smart, be careful and do what you think is right.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

jcm said:


> I have been married to my husband for 14 years. We now have two amazing boys together, ages 7 and 5. Two and a half years ago I had an affair. It lasted for two months before he found out. *How long did it last after he found out?*
> 
> We discussed things, we read a book together, we did all the things you're "supposed" to do to bring healing. My husband tried attributing it to boredom on my part, which in turn eventually made me resentful *What did you tell him was the reason?*
> 
> ...


*

I don't think anyone deserves to be cheated on, but I've seen my share of husbands like yours that come close. Not that I believe that he comes close. You haven't convinced me.

1. You are not divorcing because of the kids.
2. Your husband is a great father.
3. Your husband spends most all of his free time on video games.
4. He also has a really bad porn habit that takes up a lot of time.
5. He is judgmental, has no emotion, sees everything in black and white.
6. He has affairs, but not "all out" affairs?
7. He fooled around with one of your best friends.
8. This is the man you want your kids to be around, the reason you are not divorcing?
9. Your kids love your husband, he is adventurous and funny with them.

My head hurts. Something here does not add up. It doesn't make sense to me.

Can you break down your husband's 24-hour day by hours?

a. Hours of sleep
b. Hours of work
c. Hours with kids
d. Hours on video games
e. Hours on porn
f. Hours on food, hygiene
g. Hours on chores - shopping, paying bills, home improvement, cutting grass, shoveling snow, etc.
h. Hours with you (sex, anything else?)*


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## jcm (Jan 5, 2014)

It doesn't make sense to me either! There are great things about him but then there are awful things about him. What really gets me is that he will sit up here in our computer room and look at porn while the kids are downstairs watching tv or playing video games. 

Ok, so in a day (let's just make it a weekday since work is involved) it goes like this:

He works a typical 9-5 job as far as hours go. He gets home, wrestles with the kids a bit and talks about his day, and then sits down for dinner or finds something quick to eat if dinner wasn't made. As soon as dinner is over he goes upstairs to read his blogs or play his games while the boys and I stay downstairs and work on homework, clean, read, take baths, etc. The remaining of the evening is usually spent this way until bedtime for the boys. When their bedtime comes he sometimes keeps gaming, but other times we'll watch a movie (about 50/50 on this one). But on the nights we watch movies together or tv I'm so drained by the day's (I work 40+ hours a week too) and night's activities I don't want to indulge in any kind of physical intimacy. Yes, I have brought this up many times as a concern. He tells me it's not his fault that I dont' have a hobby or activity that I enjoy as much as he loves gaming. 

Weekends are a bit different. He's very hit or miss. This morning he got up and made breakfast and cleaned most of it up when he was done, which was a rare treat. It happens about once every two or three weeks. 

I would say he spends an average of 2 to 4 hours a day reading blogs and gaming (combined). I don't know how often he's looking at porn to be honest. I look in his history now and then and there is a lot of content but I haven't paid attention to times or trends or anything. There are many nights I go to bed and he stays up. When I kiss him goodnight he has his game up on one computer screen and Skype up on the other so he can talk to his buddies while he plays. But I don't know what he does once I leave the room and fall asleep.


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## jcm (Jan 5, 2014)

The OM divorced his wife last summer. Not necessarily because of the affair (they had been threatening divorce before we ever knew each other), but I'd be a fool to believe it wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back in their marriage. He wants me in his life and even moved to a place close to where our kids go to school in case it happens. I didn't string him along and promise anything. I told him I couldn't make that promise but if he was that unhappy they should seek therapy or call it quits. So he did. 

My husband and I even did individual counseling in October and November to help us get to the bottom of the issue. We are supposed to start couples counseling soon. I need to set it up. 

If my husband fully trusted me he wouldn't be digging so much and monitoring things so closely still. He has every right to feel this way, I understand that. And lately he has been sweet as pie and very happy with things, but I constantly fear it's just on the surface because nothing truly gets talked about. This is the kind of limbo I'm sick of living in. And when I do approach the issue it turns into a fight with him because of his tone or insensitive comments (and no the insensitivity can't be blamed on his hurt feelings over the affair. He's always been this way). One night we argued about the way he thinks of others. Granted, he had had a lot to drink that night but he openly proclaimed that he thinks everyone has a score and that some scores are higher than others, and as soon as someone makes a dumb choice, says something ignorant, or does something stupid their score goes down in his book. And that I'm too nice because I won't admit that everyone thinks this way, they just don't want to admit it. Deer in the headlights look with that one. About a month later I was told I was foolish for giving food and money to a homeless man with our kids in tow. He said it set a bad example for the kids and that it teaches them that it's ok to do drugs and drink and beg others for handouts. But then two days later he'll offer help to a neighbor or offer to bring friends' kids over and play with our kids. I can't explain it, but I don't feel like he truly lifts me (or others) up. My ideas are always shot down. Just last night our oldest was having a coughing fit. We'd tried everything. We gave him medicine. We did a neb treatment. We put his pillows up. So I suggested a steam bath with a towel over his head. My husband, in his snarky tone, says "That won't do any good. How is that supposed to help?" I did it anyway and our son went to bed with his cough diminished. 

This is how our marriage has always been. I had an EA before our kids came along with our roommate as well. It wasn't as intense or heavy but it was there. He was so busy gaming that he didn't even notice the two of us hanging out together all the time. It felt like a win/win situation at the time but the pattern is now disturbing and devastating to both him and me.

I'm sick of the porn. I'm sick of the lust for other women. I'm sick of the sarcasm and snarky tone. And I'm sick of my infidelity. But we are two of the most tolerant people you'll ever meet and I just wonder if we let too much go and now it's too late.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

blah blah blah....I am sorry - I have seen so many posters from spouses having affairs blaming and bad-mouthing their spouses in order to justify their affairs. Sounds like the rants of prisoners in prison who claim self-righteously that others are more to blame for their crimes than themselves. I have heard too many stories on here from OPs (partners who have affairs) and from my STBXW - saying how many faults their spouses have MEANWHILE they are shagging someone on the side.....deflection! Nothing more. 

End the affair before you expect me to believe anything out of your mouth - I know you are lying (much like other OPs) because your lips are moving.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

End the affair and then you will see your husband and family in new light.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Get a divorce. Despite what you say, you don't love your husband, your just use to the safety of your husband.

Kids will be fine, they just want to see their parents happy.


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## jcm (Jan 5, 2014)

Lying? What would I be lying about? In no way do my husband's actions justify what I did. But I'm also not a dumb bimbo with nothing better to do than run around on him. It takes two to tango and whether you want to admit it or not, sometimes years of putting up with a bunch of crap leads to an affair. I didn't plan it, but I was impulsive in acting on it instead of doing the right thing and I admit that.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Sometimes putting up with a bunch of crap leads to an affair, sometimes it leads to getting a divorce or addressing the issues in the marriage. The ones that choose an affair (you and your husband) choose to go the route of not addressing the issues in your marriage, but choosing to go outside of the marriage.

If you really wanted him to stop giving you crap, you should have done the noble thing and left him, not shacked up with another man. 

It only leads to an affair if you have serious character flaws, and are unable to do the right thing when faced with the choice.

You are correct about your husbands actions not justifying what you did. Give that more thought. Your actions also don't justify what he did. You both need to grow the hell up, it sounds like your children might be more mature than the both of you.. 

Get the OM out of your life if you really care about your marriage or your husband, and accept that porn is better than a real life affair partner.. if you have problems with it, tell him, talk to him about it.. not another man, him. Let him know exactly what you need from him, or you'll need to move on with your life without him. 

OM or your husband, pick one... not both.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

jcm said:


> I'm the one who sits with them all the way through an entire dinner (hubby excuses himself as soon as he's done to go up and game).
> 
> Sitting through dinner with your family, or who ever else is sitting at the table until everybody is finished, at least most of the time, is just basic manners. Total turn off.
> 
> ...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

JCM you are in the fog and nothing will be clear until you make some hard choices. Either D your husband now or cut it off completely with the other man.

You must go no contact with the other man, get into IC for yourself and then get into MC with your husband. Books alone will not work.

You must own the A as your own, your choice with no blame on your husband. Once you has that out which will talk month and months under MC. Then you can talk about your marriage problems. 

Get one thing straight your affair was not over 2 years ago you are still having an A, so own it.

You really need tough talk, you are not a kid you are a grown woman who probably pulled her kids into a life of a broken marriage. What ever problems your marriage had you have to own this A and the breaking of your vows for your selfish pursuits.

So what is it cut if off now with that POS OM or fix it with your husband, stop straddling the fence and put on the big girl pants.

What ever you do kids first! Not you!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

JCM,

OK, the two of you have marital issues. He's not husband of the year. 

When you end contact with the OM, you can address the marital issues, but not before. You'd be wasting your time. Your heart won't be in it because of your emotional investment in the OM; and that's not fair to your husband or your marriage. 

Frankly, him allowing you to remain friends with the OM is pure stupidity on his part. By doing that, he's practically enabling you; and that has to lessen your respect and attraction for him. He needs TAM more than you do.

But just because he's made mistakes in handling your A, doesn't get you off the hook for ending the A. If you want a chance to save your marriage, then you'll end contact. If you don't care enough about trying to make it work, you won't.

So, my advice to you is to get of that pot. Either divorce him now or end contact and work on your marriage. If things don't improve after that, D may be the best option. But don't forget; he's given you the gift of agreeing to stay with you after you cheated on him. It seems to me you're taking that gift for granted. A lot of cheating spouses wouldn't get that chance.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

It's his fault you cheated. He should have trusted you enough not to spy on you. If he trusted you he would have never have found out and then everyone would be happy.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Pure guess on your husband, but he sounds like I was.

Ok, gaming. It is the one freaking place where he’s a hero and wanted. He can’t find that at home with you..

Start paying attention to your conversations with him. I will wager they are mostly pointing out flaws or issues and they are vast. Do you really think you are all that special that he should treat you better than you deserve just because he took a vow? It sounds nasty; You’ve barely been faithful ever and he knows this. How should he be acting? Sweet, kind, and really into you? Or f’n hiding and escaping to the online world that isn’t filled with such pain and hurt and emasculation as his own life is... 

Once you pay attention to how you talk to and address your husband, start paying attention to how you converse with your OM. You’ll find it’s completely different as well as how you ‘overlook’ all the negative... Thus you are treated different because you present two entirely different people. To one, you are a girlfriend who treats him with respect. To the other; His nemesis. How do you deserve to be treated based on your actions? 

And the better question. How do you change it? (Hint; it isn’t by dating others and waiting for your husband to think “oh gee, what a catch she is!”).

Personally, I think you should divorce and go to the OM. That karma bus is waiting. Right now, you don’t expect the OM to help with the kids... but you will when you are a couple (as well as that other massive list of expectations). You are simply doomed to fail because you expect yourself to be treated completely different than who you are. You are a cheater, a liar, etc. and so is the OM. You deserve each other because those expectations change when you become a true couple. And he will cheat on you too... neither of you knows how to make a relationship work and have massive expectations that, should your partner fail at, you are ok finding someone else to ‘fill in’ instead of working on the problem. Good luck!


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

jcm said:


> Lying? What would I be lying about? In no way do my husband's actions justify what I did. But I'm also not a dumb bimbo with nothing better to do than run around on him. It takes two to tango and whether you want to admit it or not, sometimes years of putting up with a bunch of crap leads to an affair. I didn't plan it, but I was impulsive in acting on it instead of doing the right thing and I admit that.


Some serious blame shifting in here. No it doesn't take two to tango because cheating is a choice. If you're unhappy and nothing gets solved, you leave the marriage, not become a cake eater.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Singledude21 said:


> Some serious blame shifting in here. No it doesn't take two to tango because cheating is a choice. If you're unhappy and nothing gets solved, you leave the marriage, not become a cake eater.


I've heard 'takes two to tango' to say that the wayward was responsible for his/her own actions, in other words, don't blame the OM/W for 'tricking' your spouse into sleeping with them, it was a choice by them and them alone. It wasn't the APs fault, it 'takes two to tango'.. 

This is an interesting take.. 'It takes two to tango', means in this case, that the husband AND her BOTH made the choice to cheat, because by him playing video games, he forced her to do it. Probably playing Grand Theft Auto, I heard that's the biggest culprit in breaking up marriages.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Her husband also cheated on her with one of her best friends, so let's not go painting him as the model husband here, video games or not.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You are in love with the OM. You are thinking of him every day. You probably posted here so you could talk about your relationship with him more. Its all about your obsession with him. Its like you are begrudgingly staying with your H who is completely checked out.

I don't think this is R.

I'm sorry everyone is giving you a hard time. Its hard to process all these feelings. Your post says mass confusion because you are probably trying to figure out how to deal with all of it...

All I know is that you are not in love with your H. In that case, the marriage will just get more damaged as time goes on especially with him lost on the internet. And you lost in daydreaming about the OM.

You guys aren't divorcing because then real life will set in and both of your escapism-filled fantasy lives would be destroyed. If you D then you won't be able to idealize the OM and he won't be able to excuse himself while you do all the mommy chores.

Sorry you are here. You both sound miserable. Good Luck.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

JCM,

If you are determined to save your M, then OM has to go immediately.

It might help you to detach from him by remembering this: stop idolizing this guy...he is a complete POS. Any man who gets involved with a woman he knows is married is the lowest form of pond scum around.

Stop making him out like Prince Charming.

He's a scumbag.


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## jnichk76 (Nov 4, 2013)

jcm said:


> Lying? What would I be lying about? In no way do my husband's actions justify what I did. But I'm also not a dumb bimbo with nothing better to do than run around on him. It takes two to tango and whether you want to admit it or not, sometimes years of putting up with a bunch of crap leads to an affair. I didn't plan it, but I was impulsive in acting on it instead of doing the right thing and I admit that.


Have you decided what you are going to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> I can't say goodbye to the OM and I can't end my marriage.


JCM

You sound like an intelligent woman.

You say you have "faith". 

And you use the word "can't" like you really cannot make a decision.

But you obviously have made some bad decisions in the past. In fact both you and your husband have made bad decisions which has brought you to this crux in your marriage.

You do not have to choose between the OM or your Husband.

What you need to do is choose what is best for you. Yes, that is a selfish choice but I think a lot of your recent decisions have been made on selfishness.

The decision to cheat is selfish.
The decision to stay in contact with the OM is selfish.


You said "it takes two to tango".

That is very true. 

But it also takes two to get married. 
It takes two to have sex.
It takes two to have a family.
It takes two to have children.
It takes two to fix a marriage.
It takes two to end or dissolve a marriage.

So I am going to ask you what you have faith "in"?

Yourself?
Your Husband?
The OM?

think about this before you answer. You need to really know what your goals are and you need to get the word "can't" out of your mind before your life will ever get better.

It all starts with you.

HM


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

One to pay, one to lay? I geddit, even if you don't 

Sounds good, till you consider that life is not all about how _you _feel.

I'm saying that your choice could be made for you, the longer you delay it, and - this is some kind of voodoo magic, but it's real 

- the one who decides to end it with you will be the one you'll wish didn't leave. So ...clock's ticking!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"You know for sure he's perfectly capable of trashingg families out of self gratification."

"That dude you want to escape from your husband to be with is coveting another man's wife. Only a low life scum bag would do that."

This is an important truth you have to understand.

There are few lower forms of men than sh**bags who fool around with other men's wives.

This guy is NOT your Prince Charming.

He is a worthless piece of filth.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> "You know for sure he's perfectly capable of trashingg families out of self gratification."
> 
> "That dude you want to escape from your husband to be with is coveting another man's wife. Only a low life scum bag would do that."
> 
> ...


If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Her husband cheated on her, but he's still not in contact with his AP. She's probably crying on her OM's shoulder right now.

How long before they're back in the sack?... Do I hear bedsprings?...


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