# Not sure where we're headed



## DarkHouse (Nov 17, 2008)

I found this board while searching for a marriage counselor and thought I'd put my story out here to see what people think. 

We've been married for 10+ years and have one young child. As far as I know, neither of us has been unfaithful but we have really drifted apart. We now fight about every little thing. I believe that my wife seems to feel that her position is the only correct one. Her favorite word is NO and almost every response I get from her starts with that word. If I go ahead and do something my way, she'll go around and change it to her choice. 

Our disagreements have gotten to the point that they all end in what I call the "nuclear option". Either I have to make a threat to get my view considered or she puts out a threat to get her way. It's always an extreme and almost never a compromise.

While we both have always worked during our marriage, my income has been much larger than my wife's (2-3x) and over the years, I've managed to step up my income (new job, new company, etc) to meet our/her next goal (house, trips, new bigger house, the complete remodel of the new house, child (medically assisted)). While neither of us has had to do without, I've always felt that her goals seemed to take more importance than my own. She's now running her own business while I've had to limit my career to positions that wouldn't force us to move.

I have recently (less then two months ago) left my job (a decision my wife agreed with at the time) and things have gone downhill fast. It may be because I'm now home everyday (used to travel 75% of time - turned down relocation package as my wife wouldn't move) or it may be that my wife is now feeling that she can run the show as she's now bringing in the money. In any case, we've put away for this type of situation so we don't need the income and I'm actually enjoying some time off after 20 years of work but she wants me to find something fast so we don't spend our savings. At the same time, she's already on her next goal - second child. Even with all the fighting and my statement that I"m not sure that I want us to have another child, she still pushes to go back to the fertility doctor.

Which brings us to another topic, sex is almost gone from our marriage. Before we agreed to try to get pregnant, we had what I think was an average sex life. Maybe a little too routine but... when she didn't get pregnant, sex became a serious issue with testing and timing and such. When she had to go to the fertility doctor, it stopped. She didn't want to do anything when she was in the program nor when she got pregnant. Two rounds (one miscarriage, one birth) took 2 1/2 years and after the birth she wasn't interested for months. It never got back on track after this. Either our fighting or my traveling keep us apart and we seemed to go weeks or months between. As I've said, I've always been faithful, but our fighting really crushes any desire to be intimate with her and my lack of interest just causes more fighting.

We have talked about counseling before but each time we don't follow through and get caught up in our busy schedules. My wife is also the type who "forgets" our arguments while I don't and they build on each other. So she doesn't understand why I'm still mad a day later after an unresolved fight.

I feel that we're heading down a path to separation. I've already moved out of our bedroom and into my home office room and I've been looking into a divorce but I'm not sure I'm ready to make that move. I'm not happy where we are today but I don't see it getting better any time soon. I need to make a decision on "us" before I can answer her request for another child. I'm just not sure what the answer is going to be.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Before you think of divorce, give it one last try. Get counsiling, find conflict resolution when fighting or better yet, a way to communicate with each other in a way that you do not fight. You never want to regret leaving a marriage if it could have been what you dreamed of. You have time off, work on your marriage.

draconis


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

I am sorry to hear about your situation....
I commend you on your decision to starting asking the questions how to improve your marriage. I agree with Draconis that getting some non biased input would be a good idea. I also commend you on making tough decisions regarding your career. 
What do you think your wife’s feelings are? Has she thought you have been a partner? It might be tough for her to be a working mom/wife and to have you make 2x-3x her salary (self worth angle). What do you think she would say about your efforts to be a good husband (meeting her emotional needs), and being a good father?
How is your alignment between the 2 of you. It looks like you aren’t on the same page about a second kid. Are you aligned on family priorities? What each other wants? Spiritually? 
Busy schedules interrupting counseling just means that it isn’t one of the important items in your life. 
Why did you move out of your bed room? Did your wife kick you out? Was she part of the discussion/decision that you in another bed room would be the best for right now?
The more info that you are able to share the better the picture will be.


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## kalina (Oct 19, 2008)

draconis said:


> Before you think of divorce, give it one last try. Get counsiling, find conflict resolution when fighting or better yet, a way to communicate with each other in a way that you do not fight. You never want to regret leaving a marriage if it could have been what you dreamed of. You have time off, work on your marriage.
> 
> draconis



:iagree:The only other thing I can add to this is do not start having another child until your marriage is back on track, that isn't going to make things better between the two of you.

Kalina


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## DarkHouse (Nov 17, 2008)

First thank you for the replies. It actually felt good to post the original message and kinda get this out of my head for once.

We're looking at a counselor now. We never even started before. As I said, my wife tends to "forget" our fights pretty quickly. She's finally realizing that we need help for long term happiness.

As for the priorities and the working Mom questions. I would say that our priorities are definately out of alignment but that is more my fault in over the years of letting her push her ideas first. I needed to ask for equal support a long time ago and it's hard now to change directions.

As for the working mom, I have a real issue with that one as my wife hired a nanny five days a week and my mother comes to help during her really business work times. Still my wife complains about how much she works but she doesn't get going that early in the morning. (get to office a 9:30-10am). This is opposite of my work schedule of 6am flights and multiday trips. I was also "on call" almost 24hrs a day.

On the self worth question, I guess that is true that the difference in salary would be an issue but on the flip side we've made changes to support her career choices that have limited my own options. 

Wow, I'm complaining a lot here. There are so many little things that have been eating at me on this for so long. Hopefully counciling will help.


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## aleeyah_0122 (Nov 19, 2008)

My husband and I did are not anymore talking for 2 weeks now and we haven't deep intimacy for more than a month. I am considering annulment since he is not answering his call. We are heading to separation what is not clear is our situation. He doesn't want to talk...He lives with his mom and I live with my mother as well...far from each other...

God he doesn't love me anymore...He love his mom more than anything else...that hurts badly... we will separate soon...


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