# Taken For Granted...



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

Hi all, 

After reading Lady Karen's 20 Ways in the Ladies Lounge I started to think about how a lot of things I do go unnoticed in my marriage. 

I feel as if I do loads of things to make his life easier, better, but they go unnoticed and he seems to only focus on what I DON'T DO. 

Like today, for example, I spent a few hours folding mostly his socks while he was engrossed with something on his phone (he has a data plan on his smartphone, so we was probably reading the news). He sat right next to me, but did not once offer to help (after a while, I pointed out that I was doing something that he, by all rights and means should be doing). I didn't get angry, as far as I was concerned, I was doing something nice.

All the while, I tried to get him to shovel the driveway... It was Martin Luther King Jr. Day and we both had off work, so we didn't rush to dig out the freshly fallen snow. Finally, right before sunset, I got fed up and went out and started shoveling myself.

He followed me out, and took the shovel away when I "got too close" to his truck with the shovel. He blamed me for the shovel being bent and complained the whole time that it didn't need to be done (there was only about a 1/2 inch of snow). I said that it should be done because the snow will melt faster if there is less on top the driveway, and we want to look like we are taking care of our property. 

Then he went into a tirade on why I care about the outside of the house when I apparently don't care about the inside of the house (he had complained earlier on how the master bathroom was in need of cleaning). 

Keep in mind, we both have full time jobs and long commutes (we both travel a little over an hour to get to our jobs). I do the best I can, but he doesn't do very much at all to help with daily chores... in fact, he often makes things more difficult. 

When we bought the house, I drew up a list of chores each of us would be responsible for. 'Til this day, he hasn't adhered to any of them. He always finds an excuse or he waits so long to do the chore, I wind up doing it for him. (I don't even ask him to wash the dishes, they will sit in the sink for days if I leave it up to him).

It wouldn't be so bad if all he did was not help, but he is also a roving mess maker! If it were just him, the sofa in the family room would be a dirty clothes hamper. I do the hot water load about once a week, and I repeatedly find dirty socks under the sofa or in the middle of the family room floor. (What's even worse is finding them AFTER I've run the load!! Grr).

We have a two car garage, both sides are taken up by his project car (a Fox body Mustang) and a parts car (a wrecked Mustang Cobra). I support his interests, and help him whenever I can. Before he got the parts car, I cleared out the garage of what he considered "non garage stuff" and dragged it all to the basement. I cleared everything, but I left some stuff that I felt was car related, and thus should stay in the garage.... the oil pan, power cords, bungee cords, tiedown straps, etc. I left them where they were. Wouldn't you know I got berated because I didn't put everything away!!! (Yeah, I went out and worked on the garage myself on one of the coldest days this year until my hands were numb and he accused me of being lazy by not putting the extension cord away!!)

It is just so frustrating. I feel so overwhelmed by stuff sometimes and he doesn't seem to hear me when I say that I need help. I hear comments from him that I'm not very good at keeping the house clean, not good at doing the laundry, etc., but he doesn't offer any help. When I say that I need help, and that if he wants things to be better, then he needs to start doing things, even little things like not taking off his socks in the family room... it doesn't happen. 

Usually he turns it around on me or he'll come up with a terribly complicated solution that is completely impractical. He doesn't put the socks in the hamper because he doesn't want to mix his dirty socks and underwear with his other dirty clothes - meaning we need 4 different hampers for all the different types of dirty laundry we have (work clothes, socks and underwear, towels, regular clothes, etc.) Okay, that is ridiculous. I'm not going to do that! So the socks return to the floor and "it's all my fault." :/

Either that, or he'll say that I don't have a "real job" and his job requires him to ________________. I work at an office, at a desk job, whereas he has worked in some more physically taxing jobs. Before, it was because he had to get dirty and busted up working on cars, or he worked a 9 hour shift when I only worked an 8, etc. Right now, he says he has to drive to his work whereas I get to ride on the commuter train. In his mind, the difficulties he encounters relieve him of responsibility. 

But I'm tired when I get off work too! I leave the house at 5:30am and get home at 6:30pm. He gets home at 4:30pm. For once, I'd like to see dinner waiting for me. Instead, I come home to him laying on the couch in his underwear, watching TV, complaining he is hungry. 

My list could go on. I need advice on how to get through to him. Anyone go through this before? How did you work it out? I need suggestions. 

Thanks.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I used to get angry at my H b/c he would leave his dishes all over the place. I never asked him to anything but the dishes. So I told him once that if he didnt start doing his dishes i would stop cooking for him. 

we did boundary books together and that has actually helped me a lot. now, he still doesnt do his dishes. but i dont really care. he also agreed to take care of the cat if we got it, but he doesnt. i was thinking of putting a sticky note above the kitty litter b/c im thinking he just forgets, but i havent gotten around to it. 

as far as the list of chores you made out, did he agree to them? it sounds like you might be pushing what you think he should be doing, but are not actually considering if he agrees to your list. 

i think a lot of times when these kinds of complaints come up, like dishes, etc, its b/c there are deeper issues.


----------



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

He did. I made the list a no-brainer. I took on all of the regular and "gross" chores because I knew he wouldn't do them - cleaning the toilets and taking out the trash. His chores included mopping the tile floors and washing windows every couple months - mostly because those are two chores I do a lousy job at anyway, I think he does a much better job - when he actually does them. 

It's more the fact he makes messes and criticizes my efforts that really bugs me. 

I've "gone on strike" but that just leads to a bigger mess for me to clean up.


----------



## soulmate (Jan 18, 2009)

Boy, oh, boy, I hope someone has some great advice for you so the rest of us dealing with this particular problem can share in. My husband actually admits that he likes for me to take care of so many things so if they are screwed up he can blame me. Funny? I think not. Why, why, why cant some men pick up their own socks, wash a dish or scrub the toilet? But, they certainly can complain if it is not done. Good luck to you.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

soulmate said:


> why cant some men pick up their own socks, wash a dish or scrub the toilet?


i always just assumed guys didnt do this kind of stuff. i knew before i lived with my H that he didnt clean. i saw the house he grew up in, and a couple of the places he lived. they were beyond filthy. so i dont expect my H to clean. the other day he got out the vacuum and actually had to ask me how to use it. lol.

If these kinds of things start bothering me, i usually have to ask myself what is _really_ bothering me.


----------



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

I'd love to talk to a counselor, but he doesn't want to. I feel an impartial party would do wonders for our communication.


----------



## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

have u tried doing actually ONLY what's needed? for example u don't need to fold his socks, u don't need to clean the garage, he can do that himself ...

u can also get weekly maid services, if he complains about money then he can help around...i heard about this woman actually has maid services but the husband has no clue because she gets cash back from grocery stores 

take time, relax and watch tv yourself, u deserve it...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

T.O.girl said:


> have u tried doing actually ONLY what's needed? for example u don't need to fold his socks, u don't need to clean the garage, he can do that himself ....


That's what I do. I do what I feel like doing and dont worry about it. I actually think my H was getting upset at me last night b/c he asked me to do the dishes...his dishes (LOL) and i said nope. He likes to cook up these elaborate things and i dont, b/c i dont want to clean it.


----------



## T.O.girl (Dec 18, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> That's what I do. I do what I feel like doing and dont worry about it. I actually think my H was getting upset at me last night b/c he asked me to do the dishes...his dishes (LOL) and i said nope. He likes to cook up these elaborate things and i dont, b/c i dont want to clean it.


so when u refuse, does he go and do it himself?


----------



## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

On this topic I am so lucky. My husband cooks, cleans and gets mad at me when I do his laundry. But in a previous marriage I had the same problem. Yes it's a big deal. Resentment builds. Your feelings are not being acknowledged. You can only take care of you. You can't make him help if he doesn't want to. I would definitely stop doing his laundry. When he has to wear dirty clothes then maybe he will be willing to talk about it.


----------



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

T.O.girl said:


> have u tried doing actually ONLY what's needed? for example u don't need to fold his socks, u don't need to clean the garage, he can do that himself ...
> 
> u can also get weekly maid services, if he complains about money then he can help around...i heard about this woman actually has maid services but the husband has no clue because she gets cash back from grocery stores
> 
> take time, relax and watch tv yourself, u deserve it...


I actually only do what is necessary. If the floor needs vacuumed I vacuum. If the toilet is starting to look stained, I clean it. etc. I only do a thorough job if I'm expecting company.

Right now, the master bedroom sink is totally messy... there are hair care products, hydrogen peroxide bottle, shaving cream and razors all on top of the sink. It looks like a disorganized mess. But last time I put those things under the sink, I got "yelled" at because he couldn't find anything (I had things organized, they weren't just shoved under there). Then he "yells" at me because the place looks a mess. Jeez....

He also comes off as trying to boss me around... giving me "orders"... "You have to do _______, ______ and _______ blank today, the place looks like a sty." ARRRRGH!!! 

Can't afford a maid right now. Budget is super tight right now. And if he found out.... I've asked if we could get a pet sitter for the nights we couldn't come home (I leave enough water and food for two nights in case we have to stay near our work because of inclement weather, etc.) He doesn't want anyone in the house like that. He would be furious if I hired a maid even if we had the money. 

ljtseng: That's funny, my H likes doing the same thing!!! He gets an idea in his mind about some really complicated recipe... often one where we have to buy all the ingredients (I try to work with what I already have). So on top of spending $$$ on all the ingredients, he makes a giant mess... and then is like "But I cooked, I shouldn't have to clean!!!" Yeah bub, when did that ever work for me, huh?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

LucyInSC said:


> On this topic I am so lucky. My husband cooks, cleans and gets mad at me when I do his laundry.


Thanks Lucy, I was afraid this might degenerate into a man bash fest. :smthumbup: Yes some of us do cook, clean and know how to turn on a vacuum. While we have a couple of chores that typically fall to one spouse only, the rest are pretty much shared on an as needed basis.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I think what you are considering "necessary" aren't necessary at all...

Cleaning the toilet, vacuuming, laundry, etc, while it may look disgusting, isn't necessary. And if you are really looking to get a point across, that's a good way of doing it. I wouldn't let it completely go... pick up EVERYTHING that was created by YOU and only YOU. Do your laundry. Clean your dishes. If you normally sit certain places in the living room like my wife and I do, clean around your normal spots and leave his. If nothing else, he will get the point. He WILL get pissed, but that is the point when you need to stand strong and really talk to him about it. Backing down after he gets pissed off just re-assures his behaviors and the feeling that he can control you...

If you want, give him a warning first, so he knows what's coming. Tell him you are sick of doing everything around the house, and you've decided that you will only do your stuff from this point forward... 

And the stuff about his work is harder is a bunch of BS!!! I've worked physical jobs before, granted they were in my younger days (dairy farm, steel mill, box boy, etc.) and I have a desk job now as a Banker. I'm 3x more exhausted coming home from this job than my other jobs. It's a mental exhaustion as opposed to physical, but it's still exhaustion. My wife never understood this until she recently got a desk job at a financial aid office at the local college. Now she realizes the stresses a lot of desk jobs come with and how you can feel at the end of the day. She realizes what I was talking about.

My wife and I share chores normally. One will do the others on many occasions depending on what's going on, but typically we have our regulars. I am responsible for kitchen and bathrooms (dishes, sinks, toilets, floors, counter tops etc.), she is responsible for laundry and bedrooms (our bedroom, the office/spare room, kid's clothes, hallways, the majority of the dusting etc.) and we will both do the living room depending on who's around and when it needs it since that's were most of our time is spent as a family, so picking up toys, and blankets, vacuuming and other stuff is a constant chore.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Peridot said:


> I and then is like "But I cooked, I shouldn't have to clean!!!" Yeah bub, when did that ever work for me, huh?


LOL...ya. My H through a guilt trip my way, but i was just like, 'whatever dude. deal with it.' 

T.O girl- no he left the dishes in the sink. I dont really care. maybe i'll just put them on the floor and let the dog lick 'em clean!! and then when he says 'thanks for doing the dishes' i'll say "oh, no i didnt do 'em, the dog did 'em!"  

The dishes will probably sit there again tonight since we're both too tired. the nice thing is, i really dont care. and it was bothering him last night but i think he's ok today. i think he was just feeling stressed and unappreciated yesterday.


----------



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Amp, I'll defend my husband if it helps- less of a man bash. My husband cooks 99% of the meals, is in charge of the kitchen, and does many other things around if I ask him. He didnt' used to be like this. Somewhere between our 2nd and 3rd child I lost it on him. I seem to recall the conversation going something like "I didn't marry you to become the f%$king maid, and just because I have the t*ts doesn't mean I have to do all the work to take care of the house and the kids". Yeah, I pretty much lost it on him... but it worked.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Junebug said:


> Amp, "I didn't marry you to become the f%$king maid, and just because I have the t*ts doesn't mean I have to do all the work to take care of the house and the kids". Yeah, I pretty much lost it on him... but it worked.



Tough love!!! Glad it worked. :smthumbup: I’m not a neat freak but organization & hygiene have always been high on my list. Even as a teen my room was tidy. I didn’t marry until I was 29 so I was used to taking car of my own place. She pretty much knew that the first time she walked into my apartment. She is the same as me in neatness and such so sharing household chores has never been an issue for us. We consider ourselves lucky. Yes, I to do most of the day to day cooking for the family but when it’s time to put on a spread for entertaining, wow, she’s awesome!!!


----------

