# kept it hidden



## afterall (Apr 20, 2013)

I first met her when i was 15 years old. Everything was great. Of course we had our issues but for the most part all was well. We had a great group of friends. Because we were young and stupid, we would often drink and stay up.

I had no job no money nothing and so I said to myself, i need to do something because how am i supposed to take care of her if something happened to her mom. At this point we were together for some time

then we had our first child. so young and had zero experience being parents. it was hard but the both of us still liked to have fun. i was 19 at the time. few years later, my friend who got sick and tired of seeing me drink almost everyday with my best friend, got me a job. i'm still working there till this very day.

but don't let me fast forward just yet. my son now going but the both of us needed to grow for him, didn't. we loved to party. even though i now had a job, i figured i would just party on the weekends. my girlfriend at the time, wife now would have her group of friends and i would have my best friend. Who by the way lived across the street.

how would i describe him. i loved him. he was my brother. i defended him. i stepped in front of a gun to prevent him from getting shot in the face. there isn't anything i wouldn't have done for this man. this is a common story i know but keep in mind that this all happened, in my twenties. 

Anyway, as mentioned she had her group and i had mine. Sadly i became a taxi driver and would often take her friends home. it would take anywhere from 30minutes to an hour. one night after dropping her friends off. i went home and my then girlfriend was under the covers but wasn't dressed. 

i didn't think anything of it. she was sleeping. We were intimate and then fell asleep. things in our lives i felt were going good but our weekend ways didn't stop. our son, would often stay with his grandma while we did our thing. 

later on that night, i take her friends home and of course when i return, she isn't dressed again. i again didn't think anything of it. then i start hearing rumors. i didn't want to believe that my best friend would do this to me. i brushed it off. 

but because it was mentioned, the thought was planted in my mind. i then started to notice that when i arrived home from work, she wasn't home. At that time none of us had a cellphone we had pagers. 

i would notice that when she arrived home, a few minutes later he would walk up the block to go too his home. this happened several times. i then confronted her about it. she of course said no she wouldn't that. its just in my mind. 

i should have listened to my inner voice but i choose to trust her. Well, i ended up getting on my knee and asking her to marry me. by this time i was maybe mid twenties. i was becoming more responsible. the parties didn't happen as often. things were changing for the better. 

she said yes. We got married and my bother was my best man. on our block every year we have block parties were they shut down the entire block and all leave their houses just to have fun outside.

by this time we were married for a few months, then block party day. not really an alcohol event, just like one huge pot luck. my wife and i were there. he was there. her friend was there and my best friends brother started to hit on my wife's friend. i thought that was odd since he's kinda young compared to her but ok. 

then my wife her friend and him said they were going to the store. so they left. A few minutes later, my best friend said hey i'm going to take off. i'm going to meet jerry. one of our other friends. so he leaves. so i'm there by myself meaning no friends around me other than those who came out their houses for the pot luck

i hop on my bike and i start to look for my wife. She was no where to be found. it's now night and she's still not back from the so called store. i was still out on my bike. 

While i was coming down hill to head home. i noticed our car so i stopped a little up the hill. i sat there and waited. i couldn't see anything since the windows were tinted and from where i was i couldn't see the front and besides i didn't want her to see me. After about 10 or so minutes. he hops out of car and starts to head in the direction of his home

i'm pissed. i'm sad. so many emotions going through my head. then i see her start to drive. i'm still at a distance but i can still see her. She parks, opens the door, and heads upstairs.

i'm still outside. i couldn't believe it. i went to the store. purchased alcohol and went to the park. i drank way to much, the police came and took me to jail to sober me up. at 6am the police wake me up and tell me it's time to go. my head is pounding but in truth, i was kinda glad i ended up there since i didn't want to do anything stupid

i went home and she was not dressed again. i confronted her and she tried to say she saw him, he entered the car and they were just talking. she said sorry i didn't mean to make you upset. then i thought, well maybe it's possible. it's just me

maybe a few weeks later she wasn't home again. i called his house his mom said oh he's not here he went shopping for me. i didn't believe it. i drove around and happen to find then at a park that we don't normally go to. something told me to go there.

by this time, i'm pissed. they weren't doing anything when i got there but she was close enough to him. i told her to hop in the car, then he tried to talk to me right there i pushed him away and said not now....i need to clear my head...

She jumped in the car and went home. We didn't go upstairs we were parked in front of the house. i was crying and begging her to tell me the truth. After about an hour of talking he is walking up the block. he comes to the car. i roll down my window and then he tells her, just tell him. she starts to cry

they both hit me with it and i felt stupid for believing her the entire time that it was all in my head. both of them confessed. this relationship was going on behind my back for three years. maybe a little over. so i asked her to choose...i don't know why i even put that out there. i loved this woman and felt like i couldn't be without her. i was in the car, she was sitting passenger and he was outside of my window. 

she said, i choose him. my head was spinning. i always said that the woman i marry would be it. i still felt that way. i started to car, he put his hand toward the key to turn off the car. i started to drive with him kinda in the window. i stopped and told him to get off or he's going to get hurt.

i was crying badly but i look at the time and noticed we had to pickup our son. i'm trying my best not to let anything out but the pain was to intense. i jumped out of the car, feel to my knees and screamed as loud as i could. Everyone there in the street instantly turned toward me.

she told me to jump in the car. i did and said said sorry. i'm so sorry. i love you. i choose you.....

it was hard to repair what was damaged. i lost my trust and lost my best friend. it was hard going to work since he lived right across the street. but i noticed that when i returned from work, she was there. i would call home during work, she would answer. but i would get pissed and hurt the moment i looked out the window because i noticed that he would always look out in our direction. 

We ended up moving. We bought our first home. i figured i would let everything go. people make mistakes. A few years go by and some how i'm guessing though another friend. he got our phone number and tried to call her.She told me right away. i got home and he called and then said, hey can we talk. i said i have nothing to discuss with you. he said please....so i called my bother to come with me

my bother is a cop and i knew that he purchased a gun. so we met across the street from a police station. he tried to hug me, i said no. you hurt me man. how could you. he said i'm sorry please forgive me, lets work this out just you and i. i told him, i forgive you man but as far as us being like brothers that's over.please take care of yourself. 

i walked away. i went home my wife asked me how did it go. i told her that i forgave him and moved on. She then said, he called and told me that he loved me and wanted me back. i was like, didn't you just try and hug me and repair our friendship but yet you call my wife and tell her these things. 

That was the last i heard of him. the only time i was in pain was the very beginning. i kinda let things go. since then, we added more children to our family but since that happened to me, i could not get close to anyone. nor do i have any real male friends nor do i go out with anyone. i figured i can't get hurt if i'm not around anyone.

let's now skip to today and why i registered on this site. she isn't cheating on me. i know that. she loves me very much and she tells me all the time. She is a wonderful mother and is very responsible and active with the children. i let things go based on our youth and lack of experience. We are very happy. 

but, this happened. We sold our house and are in the process of purchasing another larger house for our large family. my wife was talking to the real estate agent and they discussed children over the phone of course. not that i don't trust her today i do

so anyway, when my wife starts to talk about our youngest son, he wants to see a picture of him. my youngest has Autism. So she said a picture of her and him.

She didn't tell me at first but as we are talking about the house, i noticed a picture of him in her email with kids around him. i thought that was odd because you are just helping us find a house. then she said he sent a picture because i sent him a picture of joshua. i said oh which one, she then said the one where i'm with him. 

it didn't bother me but the next night, i get home and i start cleaning because our son is like the human shredder. so i'm cleaning away and then we start talking about the house. she brings him up and says, i don't keep things from you and wanted to let you know what he said today. 

i said what. he told her that when ever he's in a bad mood, he wants to just talk to her because she has voice that just calms him. i got pissed. keep in mind that my wife is very attractive, she could have been a model. Anway, when she said that. i got pissed. then i wondered why in the world did she need to include herself in the picture and doesn't he have a wife and would his life like it if she knew he said this

After cleaning, i'm upset. i couldn't sleep. i was angry. i wasn't really angry at her. i was upset with him but felt like her action by sending her picture caused him to say what he did. i don't know, that night my wife is sleeping and i'm trying to get to bed. Again this is years, way after she cheated on me. i fully trust her. so i'm in bed trying to sleep and i'm starting to get pissed.

then it hit me....After hours and hours of thinking. it hit me. by this time, then sun is just about up. i have work in 2 hours. i started to piece together dates and time and places that i didn't notice in the past but remembered it all that night. i was upset and hurt but it was different this time. 

there was no brushing it aside because that night i recalled how she wasn't dressed when i returned home from dropping her friends off. only to be intimate with me which of course means she was intimate with him right before me...

i was now wide awake. i don't know why it came to me that night but it did and now i was hurt. She woke up and i told her my feelings. she just listened and tried to hug me. i didn't want her to touch me. i felt that what she did was to much for me. it was nasty. 

She attempted to be intimate with me, i moved away. the next night, i tried my best to sleep. i wasn't pissed. i was hurt. She could tell i was hurt by my expression. i already forgave her a long time ago but it felt like i was just starting to put everything together. it was hurting. i tried my best to keep it inside but it was hard because i was now crying myself to sleep if i could sleep.

then i remembered something else that i totally forgot about and i wish i did forget. After everything was out in the open back then. i ran into a picture of him naked and showing well. i'll keep it pg13. 

i totally forgot about that but when i remembered. i was hurt because now piecing everything together and seeing him was more than i could handle. i woke her up, it was 5am. i told her my feelings and told her i'm remembering things now and i'm going to do my best to get through this so please work with me.

it's been maybe a week now. i'm depressed. last night was the most painful for me. i started to clean the house. it was really late and hot. i got naked to clean and then was going to hop in the shower. i looked at myself in the mirror and sadly started to compare and realized that i'm shorter. 

i woke her up and told her how i felt. She tried to convince me that i'm better. i wish i didn't even see that stupid picture. i've been said ever since. i've been depressed. i told her that i realize now that i never really had time to heal because i just brushed everything to the side. 

it didn't help that i saw his picture on facebook through a cousin. i kept my feelings hidden for so long and now i'm suffering. this morning i told her i can't do this anymore and the words i'm leaving almost came out...

She wrote an email to me. told me, i was the best thing that ever happened in her life and that she was so sorry and that she will do whatever it takes to help me heal....

but i can't get these images out of my head and i'm very depressed. holding in my tears right now.....Anyway, any suggestions that could help me or just allow time to heal it


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow....that is a horrible story. How long has it been that this happened ? You repressed your pain back then and now it is all coming out. You need to deal with it even if it brings you a lot of pain

And as bad as this sounds, you might want to have a paternity check on your kids. Especially the oldest one


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## afterall (Apr 20, 2013)

its been more than 15 years but it's like it all came out in thought while lying in bed eyes wide open - thinking..


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I am truly lost for words.
I really feel your pain, after so long.
That incident with the real estate agent seems to have triggered some of the past feelings you may have buried.
She should have told you everything that happened during those three years. Now you have to piece the puzzle together, yourself.
I think individual counselling might be your only option.
Maybe you might need some time apart.
I hope you get the help you desperately need right here.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You really need to get a DNA test done in those kids as it sounds like she was with him at the right time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What a horrible story. You would have been much better off if she had choose him. What she was doing to you by having sex with you after having sex with him is so nasty.

You need to have paternity tests on your children. My hunch is that this other guy fathered your child. She was screwing this guy before and after you got married. There is no way in hell you could ever trust her. Her actions show she has never had any respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Damn horrible story. I feel sorry for you but really angry at the way you took your wife back without any consequences and her gut to have sex with you immediately after having sex with him is too disrespectful and heinous.

I think this is a lesson for everyone, You can rug sweep but you will have to face it one day. May be six months later may be an year later may 15yrs later but you will have to face it.

If there is a crime there will be a punishment, your wife escaped the consequences then may be its time for her to face the consequences.

Dont back away from doing paternity test else it will be the next thing to bite your back for long time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Afterall, welcome to TAM.

I think you could benefit from some individual counseling. Someone who understands PTSD may be helpful, because you certainly were traumatized by all of these events. It is a very common thing with infidelity.

I think you are too enmeshed with your wife. Some would call it co-dependent. There are a lot of resources online or books (at your library or bookstore).

You may benefit from reading the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. There is an online support group at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin which is based on the principles in the book.

Your feelings are always ok. I understand you are feeling hurt in many ways right now, even though your wife seems to be fully committed to the marriage. It is ok for you to not be in lockstep with her.

Another book which may help both of you is "After the Affair". It provides the framework to working through all of the issues of infidelity.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Did you get DNA tests for all your children?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

First thing I would suggest:
Paternity test your children. All of them. But if you can't afford all of them, then just do the oldest one. 

And if worst comes to worse...
You must IMMEDIATLY stop acting like a father figure in any way. You can not provide for the child, you can not care for the child, you can not do anything for that child. 
Child support cases are extremely difficult to get out of, but with a good enough lawyer, and if you stop treating the child like your own, you may have some defense. Not a good one, but your defense will be much stronger if you completely stop caring for the child than if you continue to do so. The legal reason behind this is because (heard this from a lawyer buddy of mine) if you continue to care for a child after you find out it is not yours, you assume the role of fatherhood, therefore, you are the father, and you are on the hook. 

Again, I hope it doesn't come to this, but if it does, you shouldn't be required to pay out for your wife's crimes. 


And I can relate to how you're feeling. 

You tried to forget and move on. 
And were, to some degree successful for several years. You didn't feel the immense pain and torture that a DDay usually brings. 
But suddenly, things start to click, and those emotions come flooding back in. 

I overdosed on steroids on my DDay. I felt sadness and hurt, but it was meshed over by rage and anger. And it stayed that way for a long time. 
I am coming up on my 1 year anniversary of DDay. 
And I am just like you. My anger and rage eventually fizzled out, and now, I am feeling those emotions I should've felt a year ago, and it is overwhelming. The pain, the sadness, the hurt, the betrayal, every bit of it comes back. There is no real way to escape the pain of a DDay for a BS. Sure, you can run from it for a while, but you can never truly escape having to fell it all. 

Some on here may suggest counseling. You may try it. I am on the fence about it. 

I personally, would suggest you try living away from your wife for a while. Maybe with friends, or your parents even. Give yourself time to figure out what you want. Find out if you can get over this. 
Don't divorce right away though. But find out what you want. 
IF your wife is truly sorry, and is willing to do anything and everything to truly make it up to you, even though this happened in the past, she should be more than willing to do whatever it takes. If she truly loves you. 
Then you can decide if you can live with her or not. 
But don't divorce until you are sure that is what you want. Without the use of alcohol, drugs, but find out what you yourself, truly want and can live with. 

I divorced my XW by using steroid induced rage. 
And I question it everyday.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been 15 years and you may not get all the details but I'm guessing you still need closure and the both of you need to face this head on and address it.

You may want to think about this long and hard but you may need to hear all the ughly details so you can *now make a dicision based on facts and not based on your wife *just choosing you*.....

In short it may be time for your wife to clear the air in all of this. If she is that willing to help you heal then she just might face the shamefule details of her past deciet.

I'm no professional but it might do you both some good to get some unasked questions answered. It will be painful to hear what you already know coming directly from her mouth, but it may give you closure.

Whats scary that after all you invested and worked for may end now that your wife has to finally face the consequences of her deciet so long ago.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling. Soon. And if you do the DNA tests? *Remember, you are their father no matter what*.

Sorry you had to come here, but glad you found us.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Absolutely horrible. Listen to the posters here, they will give you the right advice.

I just want to say that I am so sorry that you find yourself in this position. Be strong.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you ever expose to the circle of friends and to your family that the OM and your wife cheated?

I'm guessing that you didn't, that you kept it silent out of fear that you'd look like the lesser man, and out of fear she would leave you.

And you also never got the details out of her.

That I think is at the heart of your problems today. You're gut is screaming that you were the victim yet it was up to you to keep silent about the betrayal and to protect the trash that betrayed you.

The new guy, which frankly is way out of bounds with your wife. He's very very obviously chasing her, asking for pics of your kids is creepy.
You need to cut all contact with this guy, he is clearly out to bed your wife.

The new guy has reminded you that you failed to stand up and expose the affair AND the OM clearly won back then. He had your wife when he wanted and he never suffered any consequences for it.

Not only that but he set you up and bullShtted you into forgiving him. Seriously , he did nothing at all to earn forgiveness. What a scumbag for seeking you out like that.

So now you are looking back and are realizing the way her cheating 15 was handled has left you angry and you never got closure. She and he never faced any consequences, and because you don't know even today the truth from your wife, you realize you really can't trust her because she's still carrying around inside a bunch of secret special memories of her and the OM.

And you are even new piecing together just how truly deep her choice to betray you is. Things like giving you sloppy seconds on numerous occasions, and very very possibly having you raise another mans kid.

On top of that the scumbag OM is still in good with your extended family and friends and popping back up now and then.

Suggestions:

1. Go through any and all photographs to you that include him, and burn them. Do it in front of your wife, so she knows.

2. Any gifts he gave her, anything she wore with him, dump it in the trash. It's only 15 years, she very may still gave stuff.

3. Contact family that you have that is contact with him, and any friends you remain close with and expose the affair. Let them finally know the kind of trash the OM is and explain how you are purging him from your life like you should have years ago. If they remained friends with him, then you cut them off and of things like block them on fb.

4. Deal with that real estate agent. He's making a play for your wife.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> 4. Deal with that real estate agent. He's making a play for your wife.


:iagree:

But his wife also seems to have very weak boundaries. She appears to crave validation from other men, and justify her actions.
she should have been able to recognize that the agent was a pervert.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

After this woman is using you. She does not fear you because you have accepted her behavior over and over again. It is very important that you stop begging, stop asking her to stand by you. You are only driving her further away. Your wife is a serial cheater and you know that now. Her behavior will continue until to stop allowing her to treat you this way. 
It is true that you love her but she does not respect you and is willing to lie and still is lying to you to this day.

What we commonly recommend is that Your wife must send a no contact letter to anyone she was inappropriate with. After that letter is sent any contact with the Other man means that your marriage is over. 

Then she must commit to telling you everything. She must show you all of her email accounts, facebook accounts, show you her phone and do so without hesitation. failure to do so means the end of your marriage.

You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve a wife that will not cheat on you. Your wife does not love you. She is just enjoying her way of life with you while running around to fulfill her sexual desires elsewhere. I mean it is almost like she enjoys being with other men.

You have to stop being nice and you have to stand up for yourself now. 
You need to focus on what you want in a woman and what you want for yourself. I recommend you look up the healing heart the 180. And apply those principles to your life. 

You deserve better than this and for goodness sakes GET ANGRY. Stop putting things together and asking for her to help you. GET ANGRY and let her see it. Let her see that you aren't going to be treated like a cuckold. Tell her exactly what you think of her. because I know that there is something inside of you that is building. You can't go through all of this without building up a lot of anger and resentment. Unless you get that out and stop keeping it to yourself then you will explode. whether it is drinking yourself into a coma or getting violent who can say. 

You keep saying in your original post that your wife was faithful and you try to make us believe that she has been. But the truth is she has never been faithful. You know that and you have go to stop trying to convince yourself that your wife is the one for you. Stop worrying about what you thought was going to be so. There are plenty of people that thought the married the right one. Right now from what you have told me I can't promise you that all of your children are your own. 
Given what you know that she was sleeping with other men throughout your marriage you have to have some suspicion that you may be raising someone else's child. 

If I were you it would be time to get tested for an STD as well has test all of your kids to make sure that you are their father. You deserve to know the truth.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

afterall said:


> its been more than 15 years but it's like it all came out in thought while lying in bed eyes wide open - thinking..


Horrible.
Doctor and counseling that's all I can suggest.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

There are essentially two problems here. The first one, is the estate agent who is making a play for your wife. Thankfully your wife has been open with you about their communication. Fire him, and just intervene directly to tell him to stay away from your wife. Unless there is a sign of an EA, that should kill this one dead but be alert.

As for the trigger. The problem here is the long passage of time, and that you seemingly have a good family unit with fairly open communication. Nobody can answer on your behalf as only you know how you feel, but you need to consider if you want to stay with your wife or not.

If you don't want to stay with her, then you be honest and explain to her why, and separate for a while to see if you still feel the same over time. I don't see any point in rushing into a divorce, or doing anything extreme as your key priority is seeing how you genuinely feel and doing whatever is right for YOU. My only comment would be not to do anything rash, hence suggesting some time apart first. There is no 'fog' to be broken in this case, after all.

If you genuinely DO want to stay with your wife, I would suggest immediately counselling - both with your wife and alone. I would talk to your wife about the trigger and how rug-sweeping in the first place caused this rush of emotions and explain that you both need to revisit that time to understand everything that happened, in order to reach closure no matter how painful that is for either of you. If she genuinely loves you then she will help you through this. But in your case I think counselling is key, as if you ignore the situation you will only be faced with another trigger at some point in the future. Counselling will at least help you mentally prepare and deal with that.

As for paternity tests. Well, again that is a very personal choice however regardless of the results, you still raised them and in their eyes you are still their father and always will be. If you feel the results will influence your decision to stay or leave then fair enough, but it really is your decision. If we were talking about a couple of years then its a bit different, but I'm not sure what genuine good it will do you after all this time. Only you know how important that will be to you.

As for the ex-best friend. I would explain the history to any family members who he is still in contact with and say how much it hurts you that he is still involved in the extended family. Ultimately, its up to them but I would imagine most people would 'unfriend' them under those circumstances, or at least keep any communication at arms length (and away from you!).

Overall, this is a horrible story and I'm sorry you found yourself here and hope that whatever you decide, you have the best of luck


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

99-year-old man divorces wife of 77 years after discovering she had affair 60 years ago | Mail Online


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

This was hard to read, as you clearly are a loving-feeling man and you are experiencing deep turmoil by your wife's terrible behavior. You describe your wife as having "model looks", and these relationships are inherently difficult as good looking woman (just like rich men) have lots of opportunities, and men coming on to them. Perhaps this comes with the territory of dating a "model" , and you have held onto to her for a long time so you are doing something right. You should give yourself a lot of credit, this woman loves you, has chosen you, and is fighting her temptations to be with you. 

There is a concept in relationship theory about "holding on to yourself", or "self-soothing". It is hard to expect her to heal you when it is her actions that are tormenting you, and she is engaging her free will. YOU need to learn how to deal with your torment yourself, not thru your wife, not in marriage counseling. Do not go crawling to her for soothing. It gives her too much power over your feelings. While it seems you have found a way into her heart that works for your relationship dynamic, I believe you are giving her all the power, and I believe that is what is tormenting you. 

I am impressed with your ability to forgive and endure, it is saintly, but it is now eating away at you, you need action, you need to get angry. Since you do not want to risk loosing your wife (and since she is with you anyway) take your frustrations out on that realtor who is pursing your wife. I suggest that you confront and threaten him. Your wife will see this other side of you, a man defending his turf, and she may learn to fear you a bit. In your dynamic, that might add an element of respect that will bring you a measure of power back into the relationship. 

It seems you have held back the raging beast inside you for too long. Call up the Realtor, expose, threaten, and humiliate him. You will feel a lot better.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

any updates afterall?


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## afterall (Apr 20, 2013)

Thank you all and I have read every post here. My reply is kinda messy but it somewhat answers what was said as well as an update on where we are today: 

I thought about counseling but not sure if it’s something I can afford at the moment. I told her that I want to get a DNA test. I just don’t know how to approach my 20 year old son about it. I wanted to try and do it without him knowing. I'm not sure how to get that done. I don’t want to break his heart if it turns out he’s not mine. We are very close and grew up with each other. Another reply mentioned about my past and role models. I grew up in a gang. I had no role models. My father died when I was young from drugs. 

My mom well, she was never there. I left home at 13 and never looked back. I was homeless for a few till I got everything together. I told myself that I would be a great father to my kids and I know 100 percent sure, I’m a great dad. My oldest and I along with my other kids all watch Anime on the weekends. I setup a projector, its fun… The only child that I want to test is my oldest. I know 100 percent sure my other kids are mine because I have an area on my face that my mother had and all my other kids have the same exact mark by our eyes. 

Oh I didn’t say how many kids I have. I have 6. Three boys and three girls. My oldest is 20 and the next one is 10 the rest are younger. I never brought anything up to any of our friends. Some of my friends knew but didn’t say anything to me. Not sure If I mentioned this but after it all happened. I didn’t hang around anyone. Sure I made friends but nobody other than close family came to my house. We didn’t go out with anyone anymore. We only went out with each other. It’s been that way and has remained that way. 

I tried to find photographs but didn't have any of him in it. As far as I know, he didn’t give any gifts to her. I didn’t think to ask, but I’ll check on that. My family don’t know what happened. I’m not sure if it makes sense to tell them after all this time. I don’t want to hurt my wife’s feelings by exposing what she did. 

I’m dealing with the Real estate agent as well. I told my wife that she has weak boundaries based on what was posted here. I gave her several examples of how I had to point things out to her and if done to me, she would get upset if I re-acted the same as her. She understood and I said clearly that if a man is coming up to talk to you. He wants to get in your pants. Nobody is going to go out of their way for someone they don’t know. 

As far as I know, my wife has only cheated on me with him. She already told him that it was over a long time ago. No real need for a letter since they haven’t spoken or seen each other in I think 10 or more years. She doesn’t have a facebook account. I do have access to her email since I set it up and she doesn’t have a cellphone. I do have access to our home phone so I can check logs remotely to see who called. 

My emotions today are mixed. I’m angry and sad. Happy and depressed. I know today that my wife has been faithful for years. I know that she now loves me and values our marriage. I just wish she valued it then. What happened in the past, I didn’t want to face it and it came out recently only because of the real estate agent. But here is the update: 

Some things I didn't mention and some things I did. We became very religious and in our religion there are only two things that allow divorce. One is if you cheat and the other is, if you die. Well, after all came out my wife and I went into a room with two of the elders. They showed scriptures and asked her questions. They asked if she wanted to work on our marriage, she said yes. Now it was my turn. I had the right to divorce. They asked if I wanted a divorce. I look at her and said no. 

So it was more or less a clean slate from that point on and since I said I would forgive and work on our marriage, I can no longer divorce her unless she cheated again or one of us died.

Today I'm not very religious but I figured if we were going to discuss anything and be open, I needed to ask questions and start from that day and on since I was only clear on things before that meeting with the elders. One post here said no matter how nasty it gets. I need to know so I can move on. 

I don't know if I mentioned this but if I didn't, my ex-friend, best friend who I called brother lived right across the street from us. 

That made it hard because I knew I would see him almost on a daily basis. Not to mention he always looked out his window toward our house. Sorry if I left that out but after I think a year or so, that's when we purchased our new house so we were leaving the area. The elders meeting was maybe a few months before moving to our new area. 

Anyway, After I posted what I posted here. A few days later I told her that I found a site and posted my pain and told her what I posted and what all were saying. She said, she isn't that way anymore and that she loves me and values our marriage. I wasn't sure when I was going to discuss anything. 

So yesterday, I'm at work. I'm just about done with a server. Everyone from the office is gone. I figure, ok I'm going to turn on some music while I'm working. Song after song was slow. Then I started to think..Then I stopped working on the server, went to my office and cried. 

We leave at 5:30pm. It was now about 7:00pm and she's calling. I don't answer. She's emailing. I don't reply. It's now 8:00pm, she continues to call and email. I don't answer. I was about to just leave and get a hotel just for night to get my head straight but I went to the store, purchased my 1 year old well almost 1 diaper rash medicine. So now, I have to head home for her. The closer I get to the house, to more I start to cry. My eyes were already red from crying at work. 

I opened the door and sat mid way up the stairs. I put my head against the wall and continued to cry. I didn't go all the way up because I didn't want the kids to see me but because I opened the door and she was in the kitchen, she heard the door open and went to go see if it was me. She saw me sitting and crying. She cried as well and gave me a hug and we just held each other until of course my young one started crying

Plus she was getting the other kids stuff prepared for school the next day. She asked me to come up but I didn't answer her, I stayed silent and continued to cry. I put my headphones on and played music and was in my own painful world. 

My oldest was coming home. He was about to open the door. I didn't want him to see me. I got up and ran to the bathroom which is next to the stairs. 

When he came up, he asked her Mom where's dad. She said bathroom I think. He said, Dad you there. I didn't reply but I felt I had to, I didn't want him to worry. So I said yeah. After about 5 minutes he left to go downstairs. 

We have two separate units. We let him live downstairs and he gives us money to help with bills or whatever. He goes to school and works part time. Anyway, hes gone downstairs. After about 10 minutes she knocks on the door and says I need to use the bathroom please. I wasn't going to open. The bathroom was nice and dark and I was alone. 

But I opened the door and went right back to the stairs. She made food but I didn't eat. I couldn't. Because I had to rush to work due to a server, I didn't eat breakfast. No lunch and couldn't eat dinner. She brought it anyway but it just sat there. 

The kids were off to bed. I was on the stairs. They didn't ask about me since I normally head to the gym after work for 2 or 3 hours everyday. After things were settled she came back to the stairs and told me to come up. I didn't listen and stayed quiet. 

I was still crying and felt that I needed to know more but I was afraid to ask. Again, I knew she's been faithful for years but what I didn't know is if she was faithful after that elders meeting. So after I stopped shaking and crying. I went to the room and was so tired from crying, I just about passed out. 

She came in and was next to me. I felt the time was right to now question. So I stood up and looked at her and said " I don't have anymore tears, I need to ask you something " She said what. I said " everything you have done, that you told me about, we went into the meeting and I forgave you and it was a clean slate and we were going to work on our marriage, do you remember that? " she said yes. You remember when we moved in here. She said yes " I said we were both happy and excited that we purchased our first house" She said yes I was excited. 

I said ok " Now I need to you a question " After the elders meeting, did you talk to him at all? See I never asked her about it again. It was supposed to be a clean slate. She started to cry and said yes. I asked, did you do anything? She started to say um...Yes but it wasn't each time we saw each other. 

Then I asked, when we moved here to our new home. Did you see him? She said " I told him it was over and that she needed to work on her marriage " I asked her did you see him several times after we moved into our new home. She said Yes. I then asked, were you intimate? She said yes. 

I started shaking and crying as silent as I could. She said " That was a long time ago and I'm sorry. I'm going to be open with you. After we were intimate the second time, I felt horrible because I knew how hard you were working and you treated me well and are a good father ". She said she went to the elders and told them everything. 

I said, why didn't you tell me then? You ran to them and told them but not me?? She then said it was a long time ago and you know I'm different now. I gave her an illustration. I said " A child who was molested or raped may not remember anything, but at some point if he or she recalls, it doesn't matter if it was a long time ago. It still hurts because it's new to her, it's today to her " I told her, this is new to me, it's today to me. 

I told her, you lied to me. I told her, I can't be here. She said, please I will help you through this, you know I'm a good mother and wife to you. I've changed, I'm different. I told her " I no longer have my head in the sand, this is always going to be an issue.

I asked her how long did it go on. It was long at all. I told him it was done and that I choose you and I need to work on my marriage and then she said " and since then I have been 100 percent faithful. 

I walked away to my now favorite spot, the stairs with my head against the wall, my arms holding my knees and my knees up to my chest. 

We came to me and we talked and cried. It was now 5am. Time just flew by. This all started at about 10:00pm. I had work in three hours and needed to take the kids to school in two hours. 

I was done crying...I feel asleep. 

When I woke up, I got the kids and took them to school. We laughed and played while walking to school. I got back home, we didn't say much. She just said " I'm so sorry " I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to make you happy. I gave her a hug and left for work. 

I haven't had anything to eat for about two days but I am drinking plenty of water. I don't feel weak at all. I still managed to go too the gym but I feel at this moment since I'm typing this from work, I'm overdue for some rest. 

What will I do from here. I can't escape my thoughts. Last night was an eye opener for me and I recalled many things about him and wondered if he tried to get me killed.

I protected his life several times even to the point where i stood in front of a gun so they wouldn't kill him. I considered this man my brother. 

One time I fought 5 guys. They didn't know how to fight well and at the end of it, all of them ran but where was he?? He was watching from the car instead of helping me. He apologized for said he was scared.

There was another time where he called and said he was being chased because he broke a bar window and people were chasing him. I got my bat and the address and I went to go get him. 

when I saw him, I got out the car and let's go, let's go. Out of no where, someone was running up to me with a knife and just missed me and got my jacket. I hit him with the bat and he was on the floor. We both jumped in the car and left. 

Not to long after that, he got his license to purchase guns. This was weird since well, it's not hard to get a gun if you wanted one, why go through legal channels but I didn't think much of it. He didn't have a record and maybe he wanted to protect himself based on what he tends to get into. 

That gun disappeared. I told all of that to my wife and said, looking back, it's possible that he set those things up so I can get out of the way. I can't prove it but it makes sense. 

Nothing ever happened and from what I know, he moved on and has had another girlfriend. I love my wife very much. We have 6 or maybe 5 wonderful children. I make just enough to support my large family. It's hard at times but it is what it is. 

As for what I will do - I don't know. It depends on how much my heart can take I guess. Maybe I'm stuck. My kids are to young and they need me to be there. My oldest is 20, my next is 10, my next is 7, next 5, next, 3, and last is about to be year.

I don't think I can be without them....They are all I have and have been around. I don't have real friends I can call or cry to or hug. They are all I have. I don't even recall that last time I received a phone call from someone I know but I get excited after work even now so that I can play with them, help them with their homework, ask them how their day went. 

This is exactly how it was supposed to be in the beginning but is it to late??? I don't know.......That's where i am now???


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Man, that was hard to read. It IS new to you. I'm sorry. I hope you are able to heal.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Afterall,

Brother, I mean this from the heart. Your oldest is 20. Whether you donated the genes or didn't. YOU are the FATHER! Don't take that away from your child. Child support is over. You are the only DAD!

You will do nothing but instill pain in your child if you find you aren't the biological father. You are the DAD. No one can take that from you and your child knows it. Let sleeping dogs lie. Just realize that you raised your children and they love you as DAD no matter what and THAT is all that matters! God bless you!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did she have sex wth him in your house? In your bed?

You say it was long ago. How long since her last time with him?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

When I found my wife was cheating, I found this. I forgave her, got angry, forgave her, got angry forgave her..... ..... got angry forgave her etc...

It was very hard. I forgave her because it was the right thing to do. You have a wife who is imperfect. You also have a wife who loves you.

You are fixated on bad things now because you were lied to and never really dealt with them. Your wife was honest, loves you and seems to be a pretty good mom. You have a lot to honestly be grateful for.

Has your life been perfect? No. God will not put anything in your life that you won't be able to handle. Focus on the positive brother. While your story is sad, I don't see it that way. I see it as a beautiful story.

You have a beautiful wife, who is a good mom. You have 6 wonderful kids whom you both adore. You have come through trials by fire and you have your whole life ahead of you...

Yes you have some rough times, but if you work together with your wife, your marriage can be stronger because of this. I see an opportunity for a story book ending here and it will be one that you and your wife will write together.

Let me share with you a set of texts I had with my girlfriend:

Mark- There was this one girl I fell in love with... Tell me how the story ends... I'd like to peak since we are writing this together.

Sheila- And the girl fell in love back with the gift that God so kindly gave her with his heart and love

Mark - I like that chapter. I know there are a lot of difficult times in it, but the two worked together to get through them

Sheila - Yes they did. They never gave up on each other and were each other's best friend and biggest fan... They saw in the other what the other did not have and complemented each other and made each other stronger. They saw love through the other's eyes every time they looked at each other and they felt the beat of one heart as they came together

Mark - I like that story

Sheila - 

Mark - I think it will be told for generations I love you baby doll.


My relationship with my girlfriend is not perfect but I know who she is and I know that I have someone who is not perfect and who makes mistakes and you know I am not perfect either.

A man who has 6 children... Well those kids need a dad. They need you to be strong. I understand your pain. Let it go and realize that you have so many gifts that you should just take a good look at and cherish. Your wife loves you. Remember that. You have done a remarkable job. This is a 'footprints' moment. How many people in the world do you think would trade places with you having a beautiful wife and 6 wonderful children? You have been blessed. I wish you all the best.

By the way. My EX wife cheated on me and my girlfriend is beautiful. I am always vigilant now. I keep the wolves away. Deal with the real estate agent. Better Business Bureau etc... Real Estate Agency HR... Be ruthless... Your wife is worth protecting right? She needs you to take care of her and help her set boundaries so be there.


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## afterall (Apr 20, 2013)

Last few days: Still crying, and crying myself to sleep. Shaking while crying, etc...I'm having so much trouble sleeping. When I wake, I just start to clean. It's been really hard. Yes said again a few times that it was in the past, I told her Yes I understand it's years upon years ago but the new news you just gave me is today. It hurts - I told her I can't believe you brought him in this house. This was my safe house. 

The other night, I told her I cannot stay in this relationship right now. I'm not saying divorce, we just need time. It's overdue, I need to heal. She begged and cried and I felt so bad but I was determined to stand by ground. Then she said, I can't live without you. If you leave I will kill myself. I stopped what I was doing and said to her, What are we like 15 again?? Don't say stupid things like that and besides the kids need you to be here. 

She then said promise me you will stay and I will do whatever it takes. I felt so bad because of how she was shaking and crying, worried that I was going to leave. I told her I promise and told her that i need her help. When she looks at me and if I have a sad face, please just hold and hug me no matter what time it is. 

She's done that and it has helped. She's also gets intimate with me each time. I must say, that helped a ton or at least I thought it did. Woke up maybe 2 or 3 in the morning. Started to clean, started to cry, and then started to compare myself to my ex-best friend. 

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but I saw a picture of his member. He sent it to her while she was having the affair. I wish I never saw it because now I started to compare. I felt based on the picture he was bigger. 

So I spoke to my solider and he woke up and I started to compare and felt he was just as tall but not as wide. I went from feeling sad to feeling pissed. I started to look up information on how to increase size and width. Then I started to imagine the both of them. From pissed to pain and now I'm crying. I head to bed. I'm crying but trying not to be to loud so I don't wake anyone up. 

She hears me and comes to hug me. I'm crying badly and I told her, I know I promised you but you have to let me go..please...I'm dying here....I was safe here....She said I can't let you go. I just can't, I'll lose it. I told her you need to be strong for the kids. I'm half a man right now. I'm lost and in pain, you have to let me go.

She started to touch me, I moved away and said that's not going to work. I said, he's much bigger. She then said, no he's not. I said yes he is. I remembered the picture. She said, the picture was a close up when he took it. He's just a little wider but you are much longer. 

I told her that I wanted to be better than him in all areas so I'm getting a surgery. She said no, she grabbed my hand and said look. I'm going to be open and honest and answer any question you have no matter how much it may hurt you. I want you to get over this. So I asked again, is he better than me. She said no he's no where near better than you. 

I felt better but I still saw images in my head of what they were doing. I told her ok fine I won't get any surgery. I know she is committed to me, loves me very much, she's said that to me. I told her I just wish she loved me like this then....


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm sorry your story is so sad, I would advise you to get counseling also see a doctor to give you something to sleep and talk about antidepressants. 
If you need to take some time off work, if you haved worked for over a year you may qualify for FMLA leave and if you have it disability pay, take it. You need time to sort your feelings, it seems like you rug swept and now everything is coming out.

They say when a spouse cheats they usally downgrade but plead stop comparing yourself to other man. It was more of connection and the thrill. 
. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

this is exactly why you don't EVER rugsweep an affair. 

you thought that by forgiving and moving away things would just magically fix themselves.


your wife has been manipulating you into staying in the marriage for all this time..... trickle-truthing her way at every turn. never giving you the full extent of this horrible episode in your life. burying you head in religion isn't gonna make things any easier. it's obvious there was never any closure because the both of you decided to rugsweep the d^mn thing.


i can't tell you how many times we've read about posters who come back years after the affair only to be living in hell because the issue was not resolved right there and then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This was such a painful post to read. I am sorry but your wife is an habitual liar. The deal-breaker is not only did she continue to see him and have sex with him after the talk with the Elders and you forgiving her but she brought him to your new safe place home and continued to have sex with him. 

Your wife knew exactly what it would mean to you to continue to have sex with him and bring him to your new home. Your wife is totally despicable and her humiliation toward you knows no bounds. Reading this post has made me so angry that I will just stop now. I think your wife is a wonderful actress.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Buy a new bed this weekend, the current one needs to go.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Buy a new bed this weekend, the current one needs to go.


So does the wife. DNA the kids.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm not trying to dissuade you in any way, but you know she's lying. If you were a lot better than him back then, she wouldn't have went back to him repeatedly like she did. She had to have liked it. You will have to get your son tested to see if he is yours. You deserve to know the truth. It's long overdue.


Come on!! You just cannot simplify an affair to d*ck sizes...She did not got necessarily back to the OM because he was better but because she enjoyed it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Something is definitely wrong with this woman's reasoning, and how she views you.
I say this because of the " almost incident " with the real estate agent.
You handled her initial affair badly because she didn't have to pay for the consequences of her actions.
Your best friend paid, which was good. But she didn't, because you loved her.
So she continued in her actions.
You are now realizing that you have been manipulated by her,in the past.
Again , her appalling lack of boundaries with the real estate agent seems to have triggered your memory.
That " incident" ,IMO is the sticking point in your ability to heal.
You are wondering , because the truth is now coming out in bits and pieces , if she's still manipulating you emotionally, or if she respects you the way you want her to.
Not that she's cheating , but maybe she still has that mindset or looks at you the same way as when she was cheating.[ As if you are not man enough .]
Maybe that's why you are comparing the size of your ex best friend's member with yours.

You do need time to clear your head, because doubt has set in.
On the bright side you have your kids.
Maybe its time to get some professional help.
She too, needs to come to the full realization, and have some counselling done.

Hope you feel better soon.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

This is 20 year old news to your WW. Though it is brand new news to you. Your WW has had all those years to move past this.

Tell your WW that you need the same 20 years to get past to where she is now.

You need to wait and let your mind process this news before you make life changing decisions.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. It is low cost.

You need to expose the affair to WW parents and siblings, and your siblings.

You must get a DNA test done for all of your kids to bury all of those potential ghosts to rest.

As to WW getting rid of all things that she wore with OM, gifts whatever. That is a must though after all of that time they must be all gone.

Though she brought the OM into your home. You well never heal in your house. No matter which room they did their thing in that room will haunt you. Also whatever furniture they used. Whether bed, sofa, kitchen table, has to go.

Picture all the meals WW made and served you on your dining room and kitchen tables and they went at it on them.

You can come through this though it will take lots of time. 2 to 5 years for you to recover from this new dday.

You need to get all the truth out now to not have any more ddays after you start recovery because it will just cause you to reset the recovery clock back to zero.

Best way to get the truth is to schedule a poly graph test for WW.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

How easy it was for her to manipulate a man for more than 2o yrs.

She herself is a lie, her love for you is another lie.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know she's good at lying and keeping secrets, especially if they would threaten her situation.

You did say how far in the past she last cheated.

Then there is the real estate against incident which was recent, so her flirting and not recognizing appropriate boundaries is not just a thing in the past.

So could their have been some thing more between the exbf and the real estate agent? 

Would she take a polygraph test?

Ask her while you are out today buying a new bed and sheets.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I read your post in Walter's thread and then came and read your story, I have to say that is heartbreaking, I feel your pain through your thread and felt a knot in the throath many times while Reading it.

I don't know if is really a good idead to take the DNA test, but whatever you do it or not, please bear in mind that your oldest is yours and his love and loyalty are yours, I have no doubt in my mind that he would not hasitate a second to beat the crap of OM for your sake if necessary.

Regarding your wife I hope that she can help you to heal but there were to many lies and betrayals, so if you really are not able to overcame it please take in consideration that nobody has to live in a constant state of pain and suffering, if you realize tha being with her is more painful than curative, please do what is best for you, all your life you have been trying to do the right thing but that does not mean that you have to keep suffering.

you had a very hard childhood and adolescence and to make things worst you had to deal with your the betrayal of the closest people to you and yet your growth as a respectful, loyal and hardworking man, there is nothing but admiration from me of how you had conducted your life, but you have the right to be selfish and look for yourself, you don't need to push yourself to to the limit and keep standing pain, grieve and devastation, if you realice that you are not hapy with your wife and you can't overcome the situation you are in your right to leave.

How are you doing this days?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Something I'm not clear on, after dday, and OP and his wife moved to a new house to get away/start fresh, did she bring the OM to their new house and sleep with him there?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> Something I'm not clear on, after dday, and OP and his wife moved to a new house to get away/start fresh, did she bring the OM to their new house and sleep with him there?


for what I understood in his post yes.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

afterall said:


> Thank you all and I have read every post here. My reply is kinda messy but it somewhat answers what was said as well as an update on where we are today:
> 
> I thought about counseling but not sure if it’s something I can afford at the moment. I told her that I want to get a DNA test. I just don’t know how to approach my 20 year old son about it. I wanted to try and do it without him knowing. I'm not sure how to get that done. I don’t want to break his heart if it turns out he’s not mine. We are very close and grew up with each other. Another reply mentioned about my past and role models. I grew up in a gang. I had no role models. My father died when I was young from drugs.
> 
> ...


My God! I have a lump in my throat. I don't know what to say.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

manticore said:


> for what I understood in his post yes.


Well. What can you say. 
And when put on the spot when he confronted her on dday, asked who she chose, she chose the OM first. And after all that still let the real estate sniff around, and even seemed to give him the green light to do so, luckily OP caught it.

Hope it all works out for him.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

15 years, I think he's done. Reminds me so much of struggling4ever and he was 11 years out....

Not sure how you can repair 15 years of resentment and anger all pouring out right now.

OP's done but he's made a vow to stay in it, I applaud you for that but you're going to go off the deep end eventually if this keeps up. You need help and now.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Op posted on another threadyesterday. He is still with her.

I wonder if he ran dna on the elder child.


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## afterall (Apr 20, 2013)

Yes, I'm still with her. We are having another child in April. I never did get the DNA test. My oldest looks so much like my youngest son. He's 21 now and no test will tell me he's not my son. In many ways I'm glad she didn't tell me all the other stuff because I wouldn't have had my other kids. I followed my heart and if that meant that I had to move my pride aside or self respect, so be it. In the end it worked out for us and she has more than proven herself to me. But I do thank you all and I'm here almost everyday or every other day. I just don't post much.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> I followed my heart and if that meant that I had to move my pride aside or self respect, so be it.


This is not a good place to be, OP. It doesn't sound like you are in control of your situation. 

Can you provide any specific updates? Did you ever go through counseling alone or together, and are you still mentally troubled by her previous A?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Im not being being mean, but your family should not define who you are as a man.

Im gonna tell you something your Dad should have, NEVER allow ANYONE to treat you with disrespect.

A man must have a code that he lives by, a code 
of how much disrespect you will allow.

If she cheated again would you do?

Best of luck.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

After reading afterall's story, I now know I have NEVER been in love.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

hookares said:


> After reading afterall's story, I now know I have NEVER been in love.


Please explain.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

hookares said:


> After reading afterall's story, I now know I have NEVER been in love.


Ummm... thats not love. Its co-dependacy on a toxic level to the 3rd power.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the thing Dawg. The crux of your problem is you broke this rule years ago and, as always happens, its continuing to haunt you today. Let's review this rule so it won't happen again: 

When you're dating a chick and she needs to choose between you or someone else, you do everything you can to get her to choose you. 

When you're in a committed relationship (married being the most committed) and she needs to choose between you or someone else, you help her, and insist, she choose the other guy. 

If you'd followed this rule, you'd be free from the hell you're going through now. 

I have to add, if its been fifteen years and everything is ok, why do you want to keep dwelling on this. You chose to stay. Quit second guessing yourself.


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## afterall (Apr 20, 2013)

It was only because I found out new things from way back then that I didn't know about and it brought all of these feelings I kept hidden and I guess never faced.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

afterall said:


> It was only because I found out new things from way back then that I didn't know about and it brought all of these feelings I kept hidden and I guess never faced.


 Back in April when you started posting, there was a real estate agent that was exchanging photo's with your wife. Although she said that it was because he asked to see a photo of your youngest, the photo that she sent him included her but not you. He also told your wife that he liked calling her because she had a voice that made him feel better. Did you immediately stop using him for any real estate things that you did, and did your wife immediately end all contact with him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

illwill said:


> Ummm... thats not love. Its co-dependacy on a toxic level to the 3rd power.


The co-dependency 'preachers' all charge $$$$ to cure people of co-dependency.

Now, why might that be, do you think?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The co-dependency 'preachers' all charge $$$$ to cure people of co-dependency.
> 
> Now, why might that be, do you think?


Huh?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Jimmy Soul - If You Wanna Be Happy Lyrics | SongMeanings


*"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart.
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You'll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She'll always give you peace of mind*................"



I feel for you brother and I wish you peace of mind.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

illwill said:


> Ummm... thats not love. Its co-dependacy on a toxic level to the 3rd power.


Agree. The OP's and his WW's respective childhoods were dysfunctional. Neither had a good model to follow to show them how to be good spouses and parents. In the end, it ended up being "us against the world". Deep down, afterall knew that his best friend was sleeping with his GF and he knew that his GF/wife was betraying him shortly after it started. He simply ignored all of it because he so desperately wanted to keep his "family" in tact that he squelched all the evidence before him. I'm sure his wife thought the OP was a blooming idiot for not figuring it out earlier. 

I guess when you are growing up and are truly alone, you are willing to overlook blatantly bad behavior to maintain relationships you hold important to you. It's sad, and it appeared to work out for the OP in the end. I would have never done what he did. Then again, my background is completely different than the OP's.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

afterall said:


> It was only because I found out new things from way back then that I didn't know about and it brought all of these feelings I kept hidden and I guess never faced.


Naw man. According to your own testimony, you said she told you she chose him before choosing you. (After you fell on your knees screaming. (I hope it was only a very temporary weak moment because you were mad at yourself for turning a blind eye to their shenanigans (but don't every do that again. A man on his knees screaming over losing a women, except for death, doesn't look good)


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

do you still feel like half a man? Better to divorce your wife and feel like a whole man, than to stay with her and be much less.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Jimmy Soul - If You Wanna Be Happy Lyrics | SongMeanings
> 
> 
> *"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
> ...


More to the point....never marry a who*re


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## too (May 27, 2013)

afterall said:


> It was only because I found out new things from way back then that I didn't know about and it brought all of these feelings I kept hidden and I guess never faced.


To put it in perspective though, one of the things you found out was that even after finding out about her three year affair with the OM, and her "breaking it off" and promising your clergy that it was over and she wanted to work on and save your marriage, that she continued having an affair with this guy.

Ask yourself this. "How much disrespect should I have to put up with?"


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

afterall said:


> I followed my heart and if that meant that I had to move my pride aside or *self respect*, so be it.


This is always a mistake.
Always, every time.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

hookares said:


> After reading afterall's story, I now know I have NEVER been in love.


That ain't love.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Here's the thing Dawg. The crux of your problem is you broke this rule years ago and, as always happens, its continuing to haunt you today. Let's review this rule so it won't happen again:
> 
> *When you're dating a chick and she needs to choose between you or someone else, you do everything you can to get her to choose you. *
> 
> ...


The part in bold...never do that. 

If you're dating or casually seeing a chick and find out there's another dude in the picture or applying for the same slot, you don't try to win her over, you stop all advances. Cut her off...over and done. If she asks you why you haven't talked to her lately, tell her the truth, that you know about "John Doe" and you're not playing 3 way for her attention. The fact that she even considered another man over you just shows you how easily you could be replaced in the future. It's a massive dating red flag.

If she actually wants to be with you, she'd feel it and there wouldn't be any other dude in the picture. You deserve her full attention or forget it. 

Never play her games. Never "do everything you can to get her to choose you"...she's not worth it. Seriously, what's the prize, a girl with a super-inflated her ego? Have fun with that gem. 

There are no shortages of women in this world...move on to the next, plenty of good girls out there that don't expect you to compete with other suitors vying for her attention.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

tulsy said:


> The part in bold...never do that.
> 
> If you're dating or casually seeing a chick and find out there's another dude in the picture or applying for the same slot, you don't try to win her over, you stop all advances. Cut her off...over and done. If she asks you why you haven't talked to her lately, tell her the truth, that you know about "John Doe" and you're not playing 3 way for her attention. The fact that she even considered another man over you just shows you how easily you could be replaced in the future. It's a massive dating red flag.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

AfterAll, yours is a truly inspirational story wrt how you have dealt with it. You have shown inner and outer strength above par and certainly above the POSOM (your ex-best friend).

I am really glad that you dealt with your inner demons and have faced them and stood them down. Some of us never get closure or even the full picture and are left in limbo, wondering and suffering. Your wife seems truly remorseful, supportive and loving towards you - again some of us never achieve this. And you have loving kids - again something that is denied some of us. You have a lot to be happy for in this respect.

In the cold light of day, I cannot believe that you would ever consider comparing yourself to the POSOM (in any way). From the time you have rescued him, fought for him, faced death for him to how you have dealt with this whole affair - you are a taller, bigger and greater man and I applaud you and truly respect you for how you have coped. Shining example to all of us in distress.

God bless and take care of you and yours.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

afterall said:


> It was only because I found out new things from way back then that I didn't know about and it brought all of these feelings I kept hidden and I guess never faced.


There a some great therapies for PTSD which I have no doubt you have. Check out a counselor qualified to treat PTSD and good luck. 

Many of us made terrible choices when young, that's why you get country songs like "What was I thinking?" Good luck, you sound like a great husband and father.

When your race has run, that's all you need to know.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

I don't know how anyone could continue to be with someone that treated them and their feelings like trash for so long. He will always remember. He got played.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

tacoma said:


> That ain't love.


Thanks. You've saved me the trouble of explaining my post.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

tulsy said:


> The part in bold...never do that.





syhoybenden said:


> :iagree:


Guys, guys. You take it too literally. Maybe I should have said "casual'" dating. But if you feel that everybody you date is either dating no one else or is suppose to drop everyone else to date you exclusively, by all means tell her to buzz off when she's considering if she want to go steady, as we used to call it, with any one of you.
At any rate, you ignored my point. My feelings are hurt. This old boy was married to the chick with her wanting to choose tween um. You didn't address that. But what the hey. Look like Afterall's gonna be casually date before long anyway. So you're giving him good advice.


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