# Sex after marriage



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm not sure which topic to ask this question under so I will start here.

I was married for twenty years and divorced early this year. Sex during my marriage was always pretty good until the last two years of the marriage when things started to fall apart, in the end my wife began seeing other men and fell in love and moved out in Oct. leaving the kids here with me. Once I was sure she was cheating on me (she was still denying at that point) sex became very infrequent because I just didn't want sloppy seconds with my wife.

Once she moved out the next four months I was consumed with getting thru the divorce as quickly as possible and trying to save the shirt on my back, everthing was final in Feb. of this year.

I have dated a little but I really don't have the desire or energy to be in a full blown relationship at this point. But the sex thing is starting to worry me. It has been right around a year since I have had sex and that was with my wife(ex) when we were still married. I am 48 years old, healthy and active, I think about sex but just havn't been willing to put the effort into finding someone.

So here are some questions;
How long after being divorced was it before you had sex?
Was it uncomfortable/strange to have sex with someone new?
Should I wait to find someone I care about or just find someone for sex?

Maybe part of it has to do with age, like most men when I was young I thought of sex every 1.2 seconds, but now it just seems like it would take to much effort! Is this just normal post divorce type of stuff or should I be really worried?

Thanks,
Cooper


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ok , all your questions are just personal to you , its how you feel. im separated from march and the divorce is going through. in the process i met a young man and it was very comfortable to have sex with him, because i felt we had chemistry. 
i cant sleep with someone i dont have that chemistry with, but thats me.

its not uncomfortable if its with the right person at that time because if you both can put eachother at ease, then the only thing, is getin past the nervousness of being with a new person.

i was faithful to my ex to be for 14 yrs. but the person i went with ws very considerate and easy going and made me feel comfortable and i relaxed. got to be honest i also had the best sessions i had in a long time and it has helped me in the long run.

just remember your concerns are very normal. 

im in the same position as you, i dont want a relationship. not ready, want to be me. its not about sleeping around. but i dont want to answer to other peoples demons , im a free spirit. if i want to be on my own or with my children , i can be. and no one is telling me. 

my suggestion you have to do wht you feel ir right , but take opportunities and go out and mingle and have fun. things can happen when you least expect them.

the guy i met was from a wrong number and i had a great time. 

i also think of sex alot, high drive. but at the end of the day. what can you do, just get on with it. but again for me personally i stil cant sleep with someone just for sex and not like that person. 
but each to their own.


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## mrslmndz (Apr 14, 2009)

some of my divorced female friends had sex with guys that they felt a chemistry with and they mentioned that it was good however, one of my friend told me that she started crying in the middle of it because she was not ready. I guess it's if you are ready to be with someone else. Some people think that sex is just that sex and maybe to some it is. To me however, sex is more than just sex its about feeling a bond with that special person, someone that you feel a connection with and that you share emotions with. If you sleep with someone when you are not ready even if you have that connection with that person, you will regret it and you wont want to have anything to do with that person in the end. Twenty years is a long time but when you find someone that you like and feel the connection you will know when you are ready.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I guess the casual sex thing really isn't an option for me, way back to my first girlfriend in high school I have always been in commited relationships and never slept around. But I am not sure that is right approach anymore, yes it would be nice to have a connection and chemistry with someone before having sex but what if that never happens again? What if what is now one year turns into two, or five , or forever? Not having sex for the rest of my life may not kill me but it sure would suck!

A couple other road blocks for me is I don't drink so the bar scene is out and I live in the country so it's not like there are women all over out here. I have spent some time on dating sites but like I said before I'm just not looking for a full blown relationship right now. 

It's funny the mixed advise I get from my friends, men and women both. From have sex as much as I can to don't even date for a couple of years, neither sounds like the right option for me.

Cooper


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

If you don't want to put any energy into it...just rent someone for an hour...

Preacher


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The trick is being self aware. 
If you are pursuing a relationship, sexual or otherwise as an emotional band-aid, odds are you aren't ready. 

If you have settled into the groove of your new life, and have let go of your old one, then I don't think there is any harm in dipping your toes into the dating pool and seeing if you get lucky.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Preacher you too funny! I can't remember who said it but the saying goes " your not paying her for sex, your paying her to leave"


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Cooper said:


> I guess the casual sex thing really isn't an option for me, way back to my first girlfriend in high school I have always been in commited relationships and never slept around. But I am not sure that is right approach anymore, yes it would be nice to have a connection and chemistry with someone before having sex but what if that never happens again? What if what is now one year turns into two, or five , or forever? Not having sex for the rest of my life may not kill me but it sure would suck!
> 
> A couple other road blocks for me is I don't drink so the bar scene is out and I live in the country so it's not like there are women all over out here. I have spent some time on dating sites but like I said before I'm just not looking for a full blown relationship right now.
> 
> ...


Hi Cooper.....I can understand kind of where you are coming from. My marriage of 16 plus years is falling apart, my husband now living with another woman, so divorce is the next step here for me....I also had to go on disability several years ago after having nine back surgeries and left with some nerve damage in left leg and chronic pain issues. I too, was faithful to my stbx but share the same feelings about any future potential relationships and/or sex. 

Another thing we have in common is living in the country and not doing the bar scene thing....it's not for me either. I'm 50 and although I know right now that it's too soon for anything with anyone, I'd hate to think...never again? It would suck! 

I've fought very hard to get back to good function physically from the nerve damage(from not being able to walk to walking again without a cane and on my own steam) but with all the surgeries, I do have several scars on my body that I know I would probably be sensitive about with a new person. 

So personally for me, I would have to be comfortable with the person and the chemistry would have to be there as well. Plus, I know in my case that it is still too soon after our breakup, as we haven't actually gone thru the divorce yet. I also know what you mean about when you live in a rural area it doesn't exactly offer many opportunities to meet new people. It really seems kind of tough after being married so long doesn't it? I feel sure though that we would know when the time is right because everyone is different about these sort of things. I guess the ole advice of "don't look for mr./mrs. right and that's when you find them as least expected" sort of comes into play here too.....it'll just happen and you will both know it's right!


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Cooper said:


> But I am not sure that is right approach anymore, yes it would be nice to have a connection and chemistry with someone before having sex but what if that never happens again? What if what is now one year turns into two, or five , or forever? Not having sex for the rest of my life may not kill me but it sure would suck!


Not a chance. You have a lot going for you! Have positive thoughts you will meet the right person!

Now, as for the bar thing, I believe that is a positive attribute too. Given how you feel about alcohol, would you really want to meet someone there? Yeah, you might find a one night stand there, but you probably won't have chemistry with that person. On to the problem of living in a rural area.....that can actually be a good thing. It can really "slow" a relationship down. It's a good excuse for "can't see you every night". That does come in handy when we want to avoid steping into a serious relationship too quickly!

Overall, I tend to agree with Justean's post. Just continue with the on-line dating--you may or may not meet someone there. It does seem to be the best option for those of us living in the country though.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Understand how you must feel. One thing I think about should I leave dh is sexual relationships at 50+. Married long term, sex is good in that you KNOW the person and they know you, and all the things that make it "work" out right and be great.

I worry about getting someone I'd have to "train" all over again... Men are easy to figure out, but men, well, in my experience women must be more complex because I've not met many that don't need some "fine tuning" in the love making department... The fine tuning is fun, but some guys could get insulted or feel intimidated....

SO, I am like you, in that I really must KNOW someone well to sleep with them, let them into that realm of my being. I could not do a one night stand if I tried.....


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I agree that taking my time and letting life play out is probably the best approach, I would rather have quality dates over a quantity of dates anyhow. But still I can't help but worry about the future. I have always found it difficult to trust and to give myself over to someone emotionally, in all my life I have only professed my love to two women, my high school girlfriend and the woman I married. I always had a girlfriend, always sexually active, but I never would say what I didn't deeply feel.

I have two older brothers still living, both successful during their early life, both have been married, both now are basically anti social hermits. One lives in an old camper tucked in the corner of the old family barn, he has been there for close to ten years! The other moved to Vegas and stopped all contact several years back. Both had "normal" lives until they divorced. I guess maybe I look at them and see what my future could be, pretty dismal. But I think I am more of a people person than they ever were, I have a good circle of friends and have a lot of social activities. 

OK, that post kind of digressed! Got a little off topic, sorry. 

I really didn't title this topic very well, a better choice would have been, Intimacy after divorce. I guess that is the real question, how long after divorce before you were able to give yourself to another emotionally? I'm talking more than just sex, I'm talking being comfortable and relaxed in a new relationship. 

Good night,
Cooper


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## farmgirl (Mar 15, 2009)

I have been separated from husband for nearly 4 months and am in limbo so to speak. But, I often wonder, if we do divorce, at nearly 47, what are my chances of finding that person that I could feel that intimacy with again. 

I think your question about giving to someone emotionally is a very valid one. Unfortunately, I have no answer for you! Just another, I certainly know where you're coming from. Perhaps the others are right and when the time and person are right, you'll know. But, how do you find that person if you're not in a bar, or some other "social" scene. I'm not sure I could ever do the online stuff but do have friends that have met online and seem to be doing great! 

This is one for thinking about....

farmgirl


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I say do what feels right for you. It's well and good to hear your friend's opinions but in the end it is your life. My divorce will be final this fall. I'm sure my soon to be ex-husband has whiffed his way down the bar skank ladder by now. I don't want to think about that anyways. I have been separated for 9 months now. Haven't been with anyone since the ex and have no desire to. In time I will start to date and probably meet someone I have a real connection with or love. Then it will be right for me. I have been told by friends "you'll just know" when it comes to sex, dating and relationships. You sound like a real great guy. Whoever has the honor and privilege of being your next girlfriend/wife will be very lucky!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Thanks everyone. 

You know I'm one of those people that gets along with myself pretty well, I don't mind being by myself. But honestly, my whole life I haven't had much time to myself. I have always had someone to take care of, ever since I was young, and still do with the kids at home. But right now, at this time in my life I am pretty content at not being in a relationship. But I have to think this "alone time" will just be lonely after awile, so I know I have to keep in the game so to speak.

I have a date tomorrow with a gal from one of the dating sites. If she turns out to be perfect would I let myself become involved in a relationship? I just don't know. I have fun meeting new people but when it finally comes down to the "date" I kind of lose interest. I think what I'm doing is fishing without using any bait, that way I don't expect to catch anything, or anyone. I have been very honest with the few women I have gone out with, all I can say is I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but when I find it I'll know. At least I hope so!

Cooper


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well i'm not divorced but you must certainly know what you're NOT looking for.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Martino that is so true, what I am not looking for is another version of my ex wife! If I see one similarity between a new woman and my ex I jump ship, I guess that must be the baggage I still carry from a bad marriage.

Cooper


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Just a little gun shy! lol Just post on your dating profile that alcoholics and cheaters need not apply. But then a lot of people live in denial; that may not help either. Good luck!


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

After my therapy session this week she told me to do a few good things that would get me back on track. First, make a list of good and bad qualities you want/don't want in your next relationship. Also to write down any bad past behaviors I've done that have contributed to the erosion of the relationship. I told her I'm NOT ready to date. She said DO IT NOW while you're in a good, adult frame of mind before I meet a new guy and all those lovey dovey feelings cloud my good judgement. She said you never know what's around the corner. That way if I fall back into a bad relationship I have my master plan to look at and go, whoa I'm doing it again. Really made sense to me. :smthumbup: As well she did say when I'm lonely NOT to commit to anyone because people have a tendency to settle because of the loneliness. She's soo smart. Glad I have a professional to speak to. I always slap my forehead during the sessions and go WHY did I not think of that. Good Luck on your date!!!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

1nurse I have that check list in my head, full of major and minor points. I can accept a couple of minor things, but the major issue's are non negotiable, but I have to admit I may be looking at that check list a little to closely, I think I may be to critical. I don't expect to find someone who's perfect but it would be nice to find someone who has the same life philosophies as me, that would sure be a nice change from my ex. 

Cooper


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Glad to see you start this discussion, Cooper. I'm a few months from divorce still, and have decided to back off from a relationship with anyone, although I desperately want sex. It won't kill me not to have it, but moving too fast in order to get it could prove problemmatic.

Anyway, what I did and may resume doing after my life is back in order, is, I actually picked out the person I wanted to sleep with--an old friend, single, disease-free, and very trustworthy. We started to get emotionally involved, however, before anything physical happened (we don't live near one another). So I had to call it all off--not what I needed or wanted at this time. I'm relieved on the one hand, still desperate on the other--but I can live with that. It was the only thing smart I could do. My dh even agreed to an open marriage while we wait for the divorce, so it wasn't like I was sneaking behind his back. I just can't let myself get attached yet; too much to tend to. 

So, if you have any really understanding single friends, maybe that is the way to go. Might be easier for me to find male friends like this than for you to find female friends as willing, of course; hard to say! For women, chemistry has to be there (in my experience) while men seem less tied to any specific "chemical attraction." Not that men can sleep with just anyone, but I suspect men can sleep with their female friends more easily than we women can sleep with our male friends (our male friends usually end up in the "friends zone" b/c there is that lack of chemistry in the first place). 

Whatever you decide, good luck.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Copper - I haven;t logged onto this site in forever but something in my situation spurred a 14 page journal entry & I got thinking about when I used to visit this site a lot last year. Was wondering how things were going with you - I recall we seemed to be able to relate to each other situations via our posts.
I read through all the posts & see that you are divorced. When we were posting last year - you were frustrated with your wifes lies & infidelity but were trying to motivate yourself to take some action. 
As unfortunate as divorce is, from what I recall, you are in a better place now ( although lacking the intimacy you once had). 

As many people have mentioned in their posts - there is no text book answer to your questions about how long it will take for you to feel comfortable again to be intimate with someone. I don't think you were really looking for a concrete # but just want to hear how other got back into the dating game. 
Because were such a committed guy in your past relationships, it is hard for you to not have those same expectations for your next relationship. And as you have voiced - you are not ready to jump in feet 1st into a fully committed relationship & that is fully understandable. 
I just read an article that was posted that emphasized stage of divorce & all the ways one needs to seperate from their ex - ( physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) & it is true. Divorce is not just a piece of paper that says it's over - you need to go through all the steps/stages of mourning a loss before you can fully ready to move on. ***( look for article posted 7/0/09 - 5 stages of divorce, posted by "overitnolove". Growing through Divorce, by Darlene Lancer) 

Cooper - from what I had read in the past - you seem to be a really good guy & have a good head on your shoulders. I am sure it is will take some time to adjust to your new lack of maritial status but why not focus on the positive & enjoy your new found freedom!! Check out the online dating service, go on a few dates, maybe join sometime of club of interest ( not in hopes of finding a woman but something you truely enjoy) because again will reiterate what other have said. That you will find love again - I am sure of it. But they say you find love when you are least expecting it - so don't go looking - let it find you

Best wishes & enjoy your alone time to re-discover you- what you like, do things that you want to do & enjoy not having to "care" for your wife & everyone else. Do something for YOU & enjoy it. 
Look forward to hearing how things are going. 


ps. as for me, mini update. have been seperated from husband for over a year & that has helped to solidify that I made the right choice ( I need that reassurance because I was doubting myself). Have legal paperwork done to get child support but no further legal action to date. But need to "talk" with my husband soon to move things toward divorce - not looking forward to it but it is something that needs to be done. So I can move forward & not be in this current "limbo". wish me luck


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