# Shaking.



## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

What do I do necxt?
I'm almost shaking right now. I walked away like they advise.
It started with me saying I was going to clear up my various bits of clutter lying around the house. She'd just finished her morning yoga and we were playing with the cats.
She replied thanks, "I'll do the same with my stuff, and there's loads of other housework to do."
That's true, there is. I've been doing a lot, but there's some left. She often asks me to do some kind of chore and assuming she's asking and not telling, I just agree and do it, but I'm not perfect, I have a day job. I routinely do most of the housework, but I dont say that to her, obviously.
I said "sure, tell you what, I'll hoover the whole house." I wasn't being sarcastic. I've been doing all the washing up for days, but there's some left, I asked he if she could do that while I was hoovering maybe?
She said "thank, but there's also the kitchen floor and bathrrom floor to mop."
I said "OK, can you do that then?"
That's when it plunged downhill like an Olympic slalom skier, ended up with her scereaming in my face, her face a disfigured volcano of rage - sorry ofr the language "**** you! I hate you" over and over again.
I tried to say that's not acceptable, which was a mistake, as she she perhaps rightly screeched "Don't you ****ing judge me! **** you! I hate you!"
Fair point.
During the salom I tried all kinds of things - making a list of household jobs to divvy up, checking out the previous list I made (at her request and which she barely looked at before mislaying). I suggested we stick to talking about the point at had rather than Everything she hates about me and our marriage.
Ouch! More screeching. I was just digging a hole faster than a JCB digger and I knew what that hole was going to be for.
So I've retreated to the home office to try and catch up with paying work, but I'm a bit shook up.
I'm sure at some level this is all down to me but honestly what I need now is just a little bit of understanding? I literally can't move out or get out due to Covid restrictions, and on top of that thiks have been almost nice between us for months, now it's all smashed up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Can I ask you why you are still with this woman? What do you get out of it? You are worse than me.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

There is a solution for this, it's called divorce.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Get out now! Verbal abuse is NEVER acceptable!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

matador1958 said:


> What do I do next?
> 
> So I've retreated to the home office to try and catch up with paying work, but I'm a bit shook up.
> 
> I'm sure at some level this is all down to me but honestly what I need now is just a little bit of understanding?


What do you do next? ...Make yourself a nice cuppa tea.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Hire a cleaning service, that is far too much emotional energy to spend on mundane chores.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Does she have a job?

If not, what happened is even more insane than it is to begin with.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You should tell her that if she hates you so much, there's the door. You have NO intention of keeping her around since she is so dissatisfied. YOU will no longer continue to do the lions share of the work around the house and if she doesn't like it and doesn't start pulling her weight, SHE can leave.

I think you've been entirely TOO nice and TOO forgiving of her so she thinks she can just continue to get away with it.
If SHE starts yelling, why do YOU yell back? If she says FU, say it back. At THIS point there really isn't any down side.

Also, you be VAR her screaming at you. If things go further south, she will make YOU out to be the bad guy -- and you will have proof that it isn't the case.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So I just read some of your other threats.

This sounds like a miserable existence. I hope you are able to get yourself out of this relationship in the near future. I'm sure there are things you can do now to get the ball rolling.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> You should tell her that if she hates you so much, there's the door. You have NO intention of keeping her around since she is so dissatisfied. YOU will no longer continue to do the lions share of the work around the house and if she doesn't like it and doesn't start pulling her weight, SHE can leave.
> 
> I think you've been entirely TOO nice and TOO forgiving of her so she thinks she can just continue to get away with it.
> If SHE starts yelling, why do YOU yell back? If she says FU, say it back. At THIS point there really isn't any down side.
> ...


I like this. At this point it would seem there is no saving this really. Start disconnecting and stop putting up with it in any way. She starts flipping out just dismiss it completely. She starts giving you a list of chores pick a couple that matter most to you, do those and leave the rest for her. The VAR might be a good idea given her behavior will probably get worse when you stop reacting to it. 

And file for divorce in the very near future.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> What do you do next? ...Make yourself a nice cuppa tea.


With a couple jiggers of Irish Whiskey in it!

No, drinking is never the answer.
...............................................................................................

He has been drinking her sour lemonade for years.

I have met up close, roadside bombs.
I have met up close, mate-bombs.

Your wife is a hand grenade, loaded with nitro-glycerin, not even needing its pin.....pulled.
A cross word or look will set it off.

I see the need of a prescribing clinical psychiatrist.

Her belly is full of angry bees.

You be this.
You be that.
You bumble everything and do not deserve my honey.

I sting those who come too close, and buzz me off.

She sees criticism, where there is none. 
People about her are plotting dire things for her.

A paranoia has set in.
She knows her faults, hates the hearing of them.

She has been taken under by anxiety.
Society, overwhelms her.

I know people like this, some intimately.
Tis' not me!
Not yet!

Good luck.

I recommend divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> *Hire a cleaning service*, that is far too much emotional energy to spend on mundane chores.


No, that is but a bandaid on a gaping wound.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Per your other posts your wife is mentally ill. She acts like it. Not sure why any of this is shocking to you. 

This is not rational and though it's hard you need to detach you emotions around it. Then decide what you want but this is gonna be your life, unless she gets on meds and even still.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Can I ask you why you are still with this woman? What do you get out of it? You are worse than me.


That is what I ask myself very often, and the conclusion I've come to is that 1) I made vows and I fear the guilt of leaving her, and her doing something irreversible; and 2) I would lose the house which I need for my business as I work from home, and I haven't figured out a solution to that yet. I have no cash in hand, and I haven't even talked to anyone I know locally about this. On top of that, every time she cams down and after a few hours I might get a hug, I think maybe it'll be better if I keep trying. Yeah, I know.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> You should tell her that if she hates you so much, there's the door. You have NO intention of keeping her around since she is so dissatisfied. YOU will no longer continue to do the lions share of the work around the house and if she doesn't like it and doesn't start pulling her weight, SHE can leave.
> 
> I think you've been entirely TOO nice and TOO forgiving of her so she thinks she can just continue to get away with it.
> If SHE starts yelling, why do YOU yell back? If she says FU, say it back. At THIS point there really isn't any down side.
> ...


Yes, I have wondered about recording it but Im never quick enough and it seems a bit ****-ish and provocative. Bear in mind she's totally beside herself at that point, and I don't know what she might do. But yeah, I know someone who did that, seems it's good for keeping a sense of reality.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

matador1958 said:


> That is what I ask myself very often, and the conclusion I've come to is that 1) I made vows and I fear the guilt of leaving her, and her doing something irreversible; and 2) I would lose the house which I need for my business as I work from home, and I haven't figured out a solution to that yet. I have no cash in hand, and I haven't even talked to anyone I know locally about this. On top of that, every time she cams down and after a few hours I might get a hug, I think maybe it'll be better if I keep trying. Yeah, I know.


You divorce her, sell the house, split the money and buy a flat for yourself where you can keep working, happy, without the witch! Sorry, but she comes across like that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

matador1958 said:


> That is what I ask myself very often, and the conclusion I've come to is that 1) I made vows and I fear the guilt of leaving her, and her doing something irreversible; and 2) I would lose the house which I need for my business as I work from home, and I haven't figured out a solution to that yet. I have no cash in hand, and I haven't even talked to anyone I know locally about this. On top of that, every time she cams down and after a few hours I might get a hug, I think maybe it'll be better if I keep trying. Yeah, I know.


Well, the house could be sold and you two split the equity. You'll each obviously need to get your own living spaces in your lives post divorce. I'm sure you could work out of wherever that is.

If you want to stay in this miserable existence because of "vows" have at it, but you should probably just embrace what your relationship is like and don't complain about it.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Per your other posts your wife is mentally ill. She acts like it. Not sure why any of this is shocking to you.
> 
> This is not rational and though it's hard you need to detach you emotions around it. Then decide what you want but this is gonna be your life, unless she gets on meds and even still.


Well, it's not strictly shocking to me, I mean it's happened so often, but it's still upsetting, the speed and ferocity. I'm lucky in one way because she seems present enough to know not to try anything violent. And she knows she gets possessed like this and a little later she says she's ashamed of that aspect while at the same time it was warranted due to me not agreeing with her sometimes and the fact she can't have children and so has lost all meaning in her life other than all her hobbies, like gardening, clubbing, gigging, yoga, etc etc. It's not her fault, I know her past and how her mother over-punished her, and it wasn't nice. I see it in that context but I think I should let her know I can't do any better than I'm doing and she's free to go. I've got to admit, I don't feel confident about that.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Well, the house could be sold and you two split the equity. You'll each obviously need to get your own living spaces in your lives post divorce. I'm sure you could work out of wherever that is.
> 
> If you want to stay in this miserable existence because of "vows" have at it, but you should probably just embrace what your relationship is like and don't complain about it.


That sounds fair, except nobody these days things it's right to keep it all bottled up, I can't just suffer this alone. I can't even tell the bartender, they're closed! It's only every few weeks it gets scary.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

matador1958 said:


> she can't have children and so has lost all meaning in her life other than all her hobbies, like gardening, clubbing, gigging, yoga, etc etc. It's not her fault, I know her past and how her mother over-punished her, and it wasn't nice.


Sounds like she could do with some therapy?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

matador1958 said:


> That sounds fair, except nobody these days things it's right to keep it all bottled up, I can't just suffer this alone. I can't even tell the bartender, they're closed! It's only every few weeks it gets scary.


Will if it's this bad then don't you think you should probably re-evaluate your "but vows" stance?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

matador1958 said:


> That is what I ask myself very often, and the conclusion I've come to is that 1) I made vows and I fear the guilt of leaving her, and her doing something irreversible; and 2) I would lose the house which I need for my business as I work from home, and I haven't figured out a solution to that yet. I have no cash in hand, and I haven't even talked to anyone I know locally about this. On top of that, every time she cams down and after a few hours I might get a hug, I think maybe it'll be better if I keep trying. Yeah, I know.


You teach people how they can treat you. The problem is you’re gonna get more.

Did your vows include taking abusive behavior?


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Sounds like she could do with some therapy?


Yes, she's had loads, some helpful some unhelpful. I've had some counselling, a couple of years ago now. I guess the reason I post this is not just to see possible solutions, which is appreciated, but to see if anyone understands. And I'm getting that many people do.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> You teach people how they can treat you. The problem is you’re gonna get more.
> 
> Did your vows include taking abusive behavior?


I get that, you're right, and no I didn't. I didn't sign up for the abuse, or the gaslighting, or the controlling borderline pathological narcissism. But to her it's my fault for not being exactly how she wants. So yes, I can see you're right, I do teach her how to treat me, and being understanding is only going to make it worse.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Does she have a job?
> 
> If not, what happened is even more insane than it is to begin with.


Yes she does, works half the hours I do, for about a third of the pay, but she's doing really well, trying to start a writing career isn't easy, and she's good.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

In these situations you are your biggest problem. You dumb yourself down to where the abuse is normal. It’s not.

You'll take it I imagine until you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.

No one can make you stand up for yourself. You’ll have to do that.

Making excuses for her wont help you much.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

matador1958 said:


> I'm lucky in one way because she seems present enough to know not to try anything violent.


Yet


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> In these situations you are your biggest problem. You dumb yourself down to where the abuse is normal. It’s not.
> 
> You'll take it I imagine until you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired.
> 
> ...


I stand up for myself, it still hurts. I should do it more, see how much pain I can take, or leave.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

matador1958 said:


> What do I do necxt?
> I'm almost shaking right now. I walked away like they advise.
> It started with me saying I was going to clear up my various bits of clutter lying around the house. She'd just finished her morning yoga and we were playing with the cats.
> She replied thanks, "I'll do the same with my stuff, and there's loads of other housework to do."
> ...


The problem is your attitude and it's revealed in your line about as long as she's asking you instead of telling you. You seem determined to maintain some sort of upper hand. When you're talking about household chores, making that list and dividing things up fairly and then doing your part timely should be done unemotionally and without her having to either ask or tell you. It's just as much your responsibility as hers. Make a list and one suggestion is you just keep the list the same every week so there's no having to talk about it, but then if you want to do her list of chores the next weekend she do yours you can flip it back and forth that way if that would be more fair.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

matador1958 said:


> 1) I made vows and I fear the guilt of leaving her, and her doing something irreversible;


So you feel responsible for "doing something." What might that "something" be? You need to realize you are not responsible for her reactions and behaviors. My guess is that's where your guilt comes into play. You feel responsible for her mess. You're not.



matador1958 said:


> 2) I would lose the house which I need for my business as I work from home, and I haven't figured out a solution to that yet. I have no cash in hand, and I haven't even talked to anyone I know locally about this.


No, you wouldn't lose the house. You could sell it and split half the proceeds with her, or you could buy her out by giving her 50% of the equity in the house. You need to discuss this issue with an attorney. And even if you had to sell the house, there are other houses out there for sale. 

Sorry, but it sounds like you are coming up with rather lame excuses to stay in marriage hell. But as I frequently say, your life/your choice.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

matador1958 said:


> What do I do necxt?
> I'm almost shaking right now. I walked away like they advise.
> It started with me saying I was going to clear up my various bits of clutter lying around the house. She'd just finished her morning yoga and we were playing with the cats.
> She replied thanks, "I'll do the same with my stuff, and there's loads of other housework to do."
> ...


She sounds like she could use a good spanking.

Hell if I would put up with it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

matador1958 said:


> Yes, I have wondered about recording it but Im never quick enough and it seems a bit ****-ish and provocative. Bear in mind she's totally beside herself at that point, and I don't know what she might do. But yeah, I know someone who did that, seems it's good for keeping a sense of reality.


I didn't say you had to tell HER you were recording .....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

That’s who she is. She‘s very unlikely to change. You’ll have to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

If you're determined to stay, and if she is really ashamed, you're both going to have to put in some hard work. You need some serious boundaries. Her behavior is not acceptable. If you just keep allowing this, one of you may very well eventually snap and hurt the other. I know you don't want that. You probably don't think it could happen, but it could. You said yourself that sometimes it gets scary. 

There are lots of resources available, including online counseling. Maybe your clergy person could help counsel as well, if that's more suitable for you. Just don't keep treading water. It won't end well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The problem is your attitude and it's revealed in your line about as long as she's asking you instead of telling you. You seem determined to maintain some sort of upper hand. When you're talking about household chores, making that list and dividing things up fairly and then doing your part timely should be done unemotionally and without her having to either ask or tell you. It's just as much your responsibility as hers. Make a list and one suggestion is you just keep the list the same every week so there's no having to talk about it, but then if you want to do her list of chores the next weekend she do yours you can flip it back and forth that way if that would be more fair.


You do realize her behavior has nothing to do with the housekeeping chores right?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He can't control her behavior. The only person's behavior he can control is his own.


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