# I screwed up



## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Please advise...

I cheated on my wife and everything was out in the open. I cut off communication with the other woman (really cut of, no calls, emails, texts, twitter, or even third party conduits). She of course was devastated and her trust in me was destroyed. We separated but still was in contact with each other, and even going out together. We tried to fix things but with a couple of conditions. I stay with my parents now, she in the condo we rented. I am not allowed to go out, and am forced to turn my back as to who I was. I was a photographer and musician before. I ended up selling all my stuff and now stay at home, working from home. I was also forced to cut communication with ALL my friends. She says she doesn't trust them, and for her to trust me again, I should not communicate with any of them. I did all these and our relationship was slowly improving. All this have been going on for 8 months now. 

Then I screwed up. I went out with my friends, my old bandmates. Had a couple of beers, they asked me when I was coming back, I said I won't since I was focused on my family now. I jammed for one song out of old times sake, and it felt good, i admit. Now, the reason I screwed up was because I didn't tell my wife where I was, who I was with. She found out, and we just had a terrible fight. She, wanting to call it quits for good. I wanted to fix things, but she said she gave me all the chances in the world, and I ruined it all by breaking my promise not to go out with my friends, and not playing music anymore. I have until later to think of what to say to make her change her mind. How do I fix this? Btw, i planned to tell her about that night later today to be clean about it and to avoid having her know from someone else, seriously. But unfortunately, she found out first... how do I fix things now? 

She says I'm being selfish, which i admit I have. but then, I sacrificed everything that made me, well, me. Yet she doesn't give a damn. Saying that's how it should have been ever since...

I don't know what to do...


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Can't keep a musician from playing music, that I know. Give her time to heal, find other guys to play in a band with. That way shows you are starting fresh. You shouldn't be punished forever.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

it was my first time to play after 8 months... and I have been playing since I was 12 (30 now). but the situation is that she wants to separate because i went without her knowing. saying i lied even after i promised i won't lie ever again. it wasn't like i was chasing skirts or anything... i need to convince her that my family is still my priority.


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## PANDA (Oct 16, 2009)

martino said:


> Can't keep a musician from playing music, that I know. Give her time to heal, find other guys to play in a band with. That way shows you are starting fresh. You shouldn't be punished forever.


You shouldn't be punished like this at all! 

Really, you made a mistake that caused a lot of pain and you needed to fix that mess and rebuild trust, but this is way over the top. It is like you have entered into a witness protection program and have assumed a new identity.

Stop being so hard on yourself and consider negotiating some new terms with the help of a counselor. The goals should be rebuilding trust, making amends, and acceptance of each other as you are, including her acceptance of your friends. The only exception would be any person who cannot be trusted because they encouraged the affair. And in terms of who you are and what you do, the only exception should be behavior that is truly on a path to rekindling an affair, like frequenting a place also frequented by a former affair partner, or by others who may be interested in having an inappropriate relationship with you.

It is one thing to agree upon some rational limits on the activities of a spouse who has betrayed the trust of another in order to rebuild trust and in acknowledgment of the other's pain. And not going out for a little while might have been appropriate. But all this for 8 months? To go on indefinitely?

This is punitive, and last time I checked "punishment" isn't a recommended step in anybody's program for healing from an affair, at least not in this century and culture. Your wife is very hurt but she is going to have to set aside her stones or your relationship will never heal. You will need to convince her of this gently and with careful regard to her feelings. I strongly recommend the help of a counselor, who may also help explore why you had an affair in the first place. I suspect you might have been reacting to efforts by your wife to control you and that the two of you have issues of commitment and control that need to be worked out, in addition to trust.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Forum,

Absolutely disagree with advice on this issue.

First step to recovery is transparency, why was the band/music was a contributing factor???. Please take note contribute not reason as to why affair occurred???.

There is no time, nor bounds to this transparency. It is of the calling of the cheated on spouse.

Some people will never go out alone (night) without spouse. This may mean no more football nights for a guy, or girls night out on the town.

Its called commitment, and if simple freedoms is an issue perhaps the continued relationship is not worth pursuing.

Or why not honor her pain with a divorce papers in which you take all the pain of such. Now that would be a very good move.


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## PANDA (Oct 16, 2009)

I agree that there has to be transparency, and I agree that if an agreement has been made one has to stick to it until it is renegotiated in a warm-hearted spirit and in good faith.
I think, though, that it may be time to renegotiate, rather than act out, which I think is what happened, and I think that your acting out has to do with the restrictions being punitive. If you have been playing music for so long and it is your passion, if she truly loves you she will likely agree to something reasonable.
Same goes for the friends; surely not every single one of your friends encouraged your affair?
All my advice too is based on this being eight months out and only on the facts I see posted.
Is there more going on that you haven't stated?
By the way, I have been there but in her shoes, not yours.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Panda,

well stated and same here.

Yes, more to this post than stated.

I see no issue with wife restrictions, music for family.

Where do I burn the instruments.

Unless they have more importance.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

thanks for the replies... yes, it was my fault. and I though it pains me turn my back on music, I still did it to strengthen my family. 

What happened was, I went out without her knowing, to be with my friends and bandmates, it was all innocent. No hanky panky, no women anywhere. but she got mad and decided to call it quits because I lied. I tried to fix it by letting her know, but I was too late in telling her since someone beat me to the punch. 

BTW, the affair didn't contribute to the affair. When I was playing, I always went straight home after. Though I go early to hang out with my band and friends, I never cheated on her during my gigs. (of course I understand that she doesn't trust me on this, hence my quitting...)


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Zero,

Do the right thing sell the instruments, it will show your true intentions.

Now you have done damage twice, and further deepened distrust.

Now show her today.

Then be transparent and work on your relationship.

Music doesn't live, your family does.


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## PANDA (Oct 16, 2009)

At the outset you said "I sacrificed everything that made me, well, me ..."

That was an understandable mistake that you made in your shame and in an effort to make amends and address your wife's hurt and anger.

It is time to move forward from that either with or without your wife.

I honestly do not believe that there is any hope for a sustainable relationship if one person has to be somebody other than who they are in order for it to continue.

If music is your passion, do not destroy your instruments and give up on music if she insists on it. Rather accept that your wife is so angry and hurt that she - at least right now - is completely rejecting you and that she - not you - is choosing, as is her right, to end the relationship. (By the way, I see another poster suggesting this but don't see your wife asking you to do this - is she?)

You can change your behavior. You can even slowly change yourself over time. But if she is asking you to fundamentally change who you are and you give in, then I think you are destroying your own soul out of shame.

Don't do it.

If possible negotiate something reasonable that takes into account her hurt and if she is not willing to do that, then accept that she has chosen to end the relationship with you.

You made a mistake in having an affair. That does not mean you have to be punished for it forever.

If you have children, you also need to model appropriate behavior for them. They need to see that their father has a backbone and is a genuine person, not a wounded shame-filled person who has given up everything that he loves just because their mother in her pain insisted upon it.

Your wife probably wants to see some spine too. Even a betrayed spouse does not want to be with a doormat. Maybe that's why things have not gotten much better so far.

Good luck


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

Thanks for the replies, albeit conflicting, leaves me something to think about. If I let her go, though I of course don't want, I can continue to be who I am. But my daughter may see me as someone who quit. If I fight for our relationship, I become a new man, though my daughter might see me as a spineless doormat. I hope and pray me and my wife get to talk and negotiate how to live through this... 

... good to hear from people who understand...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It isn't just that you played music. It is that you were seeing your old friends who clearly are a bad influence on you because they don't respect your marriage. And, you hid where you were going and who you were with. A lie by omission.

I'd expect her to allow music back into your life at some point. Just not under the previous conditions. And not until she's gained some security.

So yeah, you did screw up. You told her that you're still not trustworthy.


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## PANDA (Oct 16, 2009)

I think it is possible to be who you are and stay.
That's impossible if you don't even try.
I think it is admirable to see that you are remorseful and that you are willing to do so much.
Whatever you do I wish you and your family all the best.


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## zero (Mar 9, 2009)

thanks... i screwed up indeed. now i ask, how do i fix this before i lose everything?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't think you can unless her heart softens. You can't do anything unless she wants to give you another chance and if you were her, why would you give you another chance? The answer to that question will guide you.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

I was cheated on, and my partner is a club DJ. I would never tell him he couldn't DJ or take photos as a condition of our relationship because like others have said, that is punitive. Instead I asked him to keep only the DJ gigs that meant the most to him and I go with him and stay until the end. It's only been just over a month, and so he hasn't gone out without me yet, and I don't know when that will happen. But I would never cut him off from 100% of his old life.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Assuming you were paid on those gigs, you cheated in the work environment with co-workers knowing. What if you were a car salesman? no more selling cars? 

I would take time off, don't sell your gear, and re-build her trust. Tell her you want to make it work but there needs to be some middle ground. In my opinion, yes you screwed up, but you cannot and she cannot deny that is who you are. (playing music) 

If it was the people you were with then like I said, find a new band. If you completely quit she may lose total respect for you as an individual, she may start an affair, she may do a lot of things. 

Quit lying. It isn't the playing environment, it's you and your choices within the environment, as with all of us.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I'd think it would also require rules you can actually live by. If you really cannot and will not give up music, she needs to accept that in order to move forward. Further, you need to be honest about it. If you're going to tell her "OK, no music" and then be unable to live with it and end up lying again, face that fact and risk losing her over it. That's just life.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Dobo,

Remember the following is true also.

If you really cannot and will not give up music, she needs to accept that in order to move forward and you may lose her.

The bottom line a decision on his part to be made, it is not a comprimise situation.

The cheated on at this point must be empowered.


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## Broken Hearted (Sep 29, 2009)

It sounds like you really were sorry about the affair and proving this by cutting off all the old ties to your bandmates, old friends. Speaking from a womans point of view(who has been cheated on by her spouse) the thing you messed up on is not telling her where you were IMMEDIATELY. Honestly it must have been hard to stay away from all of your old friends for so long and I commend you for that. However, she is broen hearted and feels all those old feelings of your past infidelities as if they were new again. My advice to you is to be open and honest with her ALWAYS. Mae yourself accountable to her. Remind her of what you have given up for her and let her know the love and desire you have for her is the reason you gave up those things. You also need to let her know you want her to be a part of the life you once had (with your bandmates, friends, etc,.) Ask her to go out with you to meet them. Show her off like you did when you first met. Shower her with attention so she knows that she is the greatest thing on your mind. It will be work but if you love her, you have to reassure her of your good intentions constantly. Marriage is hard work. It is a labor of love. But with a truthful marriage and a truthful heart it is all worth it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Actually, I think people need to be realistic. I don't think her request of him is realistic. I mean, what if he joined a Christian band and only played at services on Sunday? Do you see how ridiculous the "no music" rule truly is? 

For something to work, it has to be workable. If for him it is not then of course he risks losing her over it. I stated that quite clearly. But better to be honest up front than to try to live in a straight jacket that will only cause the demise of the relationship in the long run, anyway.

She was cheated on, sure. And that gives her special powers over the relationship. But if those powers are not used wisely and judiciously, they will in the end, cause the relationship to fail. It won't be cheating. It will be something stupid (no offense to the original poster) like playing music... which is not cheating... or even close.


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## Broken Hearted (Sep 29, 2009)

I agree dobo. He should not have to give up music. If he loves music as much as I am thinking he does- her asking him to give it up will only make him do it in secret. My advice is to include her.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

As someone on the other side of this (a wife who's husband cheated on her) I never wanted to punish him. When I made the commitment to take him back, I just want him to re-establish that trust because if I am the punisher, what kind of marriage is that. The no music seems like a punishment.

Having said that, I understand her deep hurt and there is a tendency to strike back. This is how she can really get to you (and it might be something unintentional on her part). 

We don't know the whole story here, why she associates the music to you cheating. If its the people you play with, change the people don't give up the music. Remember she fell in love with who you are. 

There is an issue of trust, you did lie to her which you readily admit. I have to tell you this is the biggest thing for me. The smallest lie will set me off. It almost got him some divorce papers. What he lied about was more a lie of omission. I asked him to fully disclose what happened in the affair. He softened it. He said he did it to protect me but we both know he did it because there are some things I probably would not have accepted. Still a lie. I simply do not trust him at this point and its been over a year. So if he lied to me about something else right now, I would divorce him. 

She is trying to rebuild trust and you lied. Doesn't matter that maybe it was a bit unrealistic that you give up music, you agreed to it then went back on that. 

So here is what I suggest you do. See if she will sit down and talk to you. If not, ask her if she will go to marriage counseling. Tell her you agree with her, that you had said you would not go out with those friends and did. It wasn't the friends but the music you miss. Its in your soul. Remind her who she fell in love with. Tell her you will be completely open in the future but what you really miss is the music, not the people (if they are the issue, choose your wife over them if so!). So if she has an issue with the band, you'll find new members or play alone. 

What kind of instrument do you play? Do you write music? If so, write a song about your relationship. Help her to see your music as not what caused the affair. 

We all want to blame someone or in this case something. 

If she doesn't accept this right away, give her time even if she calls it quits. Show her that even if she has given up you have not. Give her time but don't give up. 

I realize I have tested my H a lot. I don't do this intentionally but I get angry and TRY to drive him away. He doesn't budge. I throw his shame in his face when I'm having a hard time. He accepts it and apologizes. I have sometimes just completely checked out. He's patient and waits. Its taken over a year and no matter what I do, he doesn't budge in his commitment to fix this. He can't change what he did, but I don't want to take the leap of faith only to have it happen again so I've come to realize that without meaning to I am testing him. I keep waiting for him to leave and then I will say "see I knew you weren't up to fixing this" but he doesn't do that, he is there still as committed as when he started. 

I am beginning to accept that he has changed and deserves another chance. I don't mean that its alwas like this but my moods are like a roller coaster so when I'm at my lowest I "test" him. 

Hang in there, and show her that you are committed.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

People,

There is an equation here all posters are missing. I happen to back his wife and her feeling's.

This is not a garage band, if this was the case her feeling may be too harsh.

This is a bar/club band.

Thus the enviornment allows for such loosey goosey feelings, and indeed may be the precursor for such activity (affair).

I do not see an issue with giving up the music is lieu if relationship. If he is going to lie, well that is how much this marriage means to him.

Married 1980 and owned a motorcycle 1960 650BSA, collector item. My first child, wife you are not a kid anymore and have to get rid of the toy. Well, my family more important and out it went.

Sounds like this person has resolve issues, maybe it is not disirable to stay in relationship.

I have seen many a woman give up "ladies night out" to rebuild a marriage and same for men.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So he gives up the bar scene. But why music completely? Explain why he can't play a guitar with some friends in somebody's basement?


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Dobo,

Based on first post, its the bar scene for music.

Absolutely go rock in the basement until the wee hours.

Its the music and bar scene that must go away period.

This is perceived as a threat by wife.

To me a very small price to pay for a ongoing marriage.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

But she wants the music gone, too. That's the unreasonable and probably unworkable part of her plan to restore her security.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

Dobo,

Its club scene music see below.

but she said she gave me all the chances in the world, and I ruined it all by breaking my promise not to go out with my friends, and not playing music anymore. 

Unless I misread, lets await his return for clarification.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you both have to compromise, and you need to lead by example in that process. its going to be hard on you for awhile but you must build her trust back up. ultimately she shouldnt restrict you from playing music, ludacris, but you caused the most pain here. show her you mean business repairing the relationship.


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