# Question for the Ladies wrt Orgasm difficulties...



## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

The wifey and I have been married for 16 years and been together for 21. When we met, I had a little experience sexually, and she had pretty much 0 experience. She's always had trouble climaxing (I'd say she usually gets it 2/3 of the time), never had multiple O's (she gets mega sensitive when she's done, and doesn't want to try again), and always needs extra clitoral stimulation.

My first priority is getting her there. I can get off at will, so I'm not at all worried about myself. Frequency is not an issue. I feel like we are evenly matched there (3-5/week). I noticed in June that we were going at it a lot, so I kept track in July, and we got it on 17 times. For how inexperienced she was, she's down for a lot of things. She always says here favorite thing to do is give me a BJ. I'm all for it.

We had a few rough patches along the way. I've had a few periods where I was somewhat emotionally unavailable for her (stress of Kids and Life, etc...), where I just became very reserved and moody. Neither of us have or would cheat. My wife is honest to a fault, and has a fairly guilty conscience.

I really worked on myself and my issues over the winter and spring and in return we are at a very good place in our Marriage. My wife is always super positive, but she says she feels like our relationship is the best it's ever been. We love each other very much, and according to both of us, are very attracted to each other sexually. Plus, she is super hot. I know Hubbys are supposed to say that, but she really is. My friends always say how lucky I am.... Now on to my questions...

She barely gets an O anymore. Last night, I was down in South America doing work for twenty minutes (all this after 10-15 minutes of kissing and other foreplay) and couldn't get it going. Then manually, until my arm went numb- nothing. She gets right to the edge and can't go over... The thing is, she is not that frustrated. She says she knows she has always had a hard time, and she just enjoys the ride regardless. Me- I'm like WTF am I doing wrong? She's getting it around 20% of the time.

Am I/her putting too much pressure mentally on the end result? I know she feels bad because she knows how goal oriented I am in that regard. How jacked is that? She feels bad for me, because she is having difficulties O'ing... Haha..

I'm trying like hell not to show disappointment, because it only makes it worse, but I'm an easy read, so It's hard to hide. Last night, after I failed.. again.. I couldn't go to sleep, because I was thinking about everything, my neighbor's goat wouldn't shut up, my fat dogs were snoring louder than air raid alarm, it was hot, etc... So, I went and slept on the coach. Of course, this has a detrimental effect on my wife, because she thinks I'm mad at her.

I'm just confused, because according to her, this is the best we've been. lots of sex, lots of passion/kissing, etc.., but she's having a hard time getting there. I'm trying to not let it affect me, but it is. Of course, I do research on the interwebz and I land the threads where the internet studs talk about how they made their girl orgasm 937 times last night. So, I get that stuff going in my brain as well. Haha...

I feel like it really is a mental thing now. Any tips from some women who have this trouble/ or have had dry spells, etc?

Thanks in advance....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

She didn't recently start a new medication like an SSRI did she? Because that sounds exactly like what happens when you start on one.....


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> She didn't recently start a new medication like an SSRI did she? Because that sounds exactly like what happens when you start on one.....


Yep, that was what I was going to say. The only time I had issues was when I took Prozac. Anti depressants are notorius for that.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> She didn't recently start a new medication like an SSRI did she? Because that sounds exactly like what happens when you start on one.....


No.. This girl is super happy, all the time.

I has some issues awhile back, and tried prozac and had sexual side effects like that.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Tito Santana said:


> No.. This girl is super happy, all the time.
> 
> I has some issues awhile back, and tried prozac and had sexual side effects like that.


Well, if medication alters your body in such a way to make orgasm difficult, I guess it stands to reason other changes could occur in your body that make it difficult even without medication?

I wouldn't worry that it has anything to do with YOU, but maybe she should get a check-up?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Well, if medication alters your body in such a way to make orgasm difficult, I guess it stands to reason other changes could occur in your body that make it difficult even without medication?
> 
> I wouldn't worry that it has anything to do with YOU, but maybe she should get a check-up?



That is interesting I wonder if there is something to that. I am a generally cynical person and not depressive but not all happy, happy all the time but no problems in "South America" as OP put it.

Even on the full dose of 80mg of Prozac, I wasn't super happy, just numb and manic, not interested in sex, just sugar

End thread jack. OP does she use a vibrator a lot? That numbs things up on some women, they can't orgasm without one.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> That is interesting I wonder if there is something to that. I am a generally cynical person and not depressive but not all happy, happy all the time but no problems in "South America" as OP put it.
> 
> Even on the full dose of 80mg of Prozac, I wasn't super happy, just numb and manic, not interested in sex, just sugar
> 
> End thread jack. OP does she use a vibrator a lot? That numbs things up on some women, they can't orgasm without one.


We have the toys, but we really haven't used them in a good 2-3 months, as far as I can remember.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Whenever I can tell my wife is having a hard time, I pull out the vibrator. It has not failed me once. Remember, just use the vib as a back up.
Think of it this way. The entire modern world has electricity. However, even in the most developed countries you have to deal with power outages. You either endure it or get yourself a generator.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You are a great husband.

I can count on one hand the times my partners have made me O when they went down south. It took forever and a day!

FTR, I O easily by myself. I can even O w/out touching myself (but where's the fun in _that_?)>

For me, it's allllll about performance anxiety. I need total concentration to O. I'm so worried about oohing and aahing at what my BF does, it breaks my concentration. Forget the O, it ain't happening. 

And I've said the same thing as your wife and I mean every word-I enjoy everything about it, I don't necessarily have to O. Seriously. It doesn't bother me in the least. It feels great, what would I have to complain about? 

Vaginas are tricky creatures.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> You are a great husband.
> 
> I can count on one hand the times my partners have made me O when they went down south. It took forever and a day!
> 
> ...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Get some new toys... as in super-duper vibrators.

Then, YOU use them on her (no solo play!)

She will definitely get there... Once she's "there", remove the toy and enjoy!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Where is @Anon Pink today? She is normally full of suggestions from her bag of tricks.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Tito--some women just have difficulties with it. My wife has had exactly TWO (2) o's in our entire marriage--and her entire life. Both of those have been within the past year.

Oral doesn't do it. Manual doesn't do it. Vibes don't do it--up to and including the Hitachi. 

For her part--she doesn't understand it and really doesn't seem interested in investigating why. She's half-heartedly asked her GP about it, but that was a bust. She does not and will not masturbate.

To put it in perspective--after she finally had her first one--her reaction was decidedly "meh". Ditto the 2nd.

Boggles the mind, but it just doesn't really seem to be her thing.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> lucy999 said:
> 
> 
> > You are a great husband.
> ...


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

I'd start by taking her word for it that she's still enjoying the experience. Take the pressure to O off the table and concentrate on just enjoying the intimate time together. Hormones and life can just get in the way sometimes. 

I'm a guy and prefer sex 1-4 times a day, but I just enjoy the sexy time together regardless of the O count. If it's a 3-4+ session day I won't O every time most likely, but I'll enjoy every encounter whether one of us, both of us, or neither of us O's. Sometimes the mind is willing, but the body isn't quite recharged. There's always next time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Lucy 999- Thanks... I think my wife is very similar wrt your performance anxiety, and reasons she may not O. Thanks to your help I may have diagnosed her with a case of "Tricky Vagina"...

Ump- the wife definitely needs to get back to the vibe

Happy as a Clam- Check! I'm on the look out for a vibrator powered by a flux capacitor, to take her "back to the future"...

Fozzy- Thanks for sharing your experience. I have heard of the mythical Hitachi. Need to check that one out.

Second Time- Looking into horseback riding lessons for the better half as we speak.

4x4- 4 times a day. I like it. I'd be dead in three and a half days, though.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Vaginas are tricky creatures...OMG that's perfect! I'm taking that in my sig line. Is that okay with you @lucy999?

Hi Tito, I'm guessing your wife is in her mid to late 40's? Are her hormones getting whacky? Is she taking any medicine? Has she entered menopause yet or is she peri menopausal? 


As represented by the women on this very thread: Some women can orgasm easily and often, others easily but only once and others have to really work at it to get to that orgasm. If she used to orgasm regularly and now she doesn't, it's probably hormones. Damn hormones! If it is hormones (perimenopause or menopause) hormone replacement therapy can help. Send her to GYN.

Lucy is right, you are an awesome husband! 

Her orgasm needs to be her goal, or a shared goal, but it should never be your goal. I get how a lot of men, hell maybe most men, feel like making their wife scream in passion is a badge of husbandly honor and in some respects it is. But it's only a badge of honor because the wife wants it and feels confident it will happen. Because if she is a woman who has difficulty getting there while your tongue is numb and have developed carpel tunnel, she ends up feeling like a failure for letting you down while you feel like a failure as a lover when all of this can be avoided.

If she wants to find ways to have more reliable orgasms, you can partner with her to discover the magic combinations. But this can't be your mission. However, it's just lovely that it matters so much to you. Clear as mud now, eh?


Ask her if there are times when she feels like she will get there and are there other times when she's fairly certain it's not going to happen. If she can feel a difference in how her body is responding on that particular time, she could help by signally you to keep going. Don't ask for the signal to stop if she's not getting there. What emotional message does this send when she tells you, it's not going to happen tonight, so you stop touching her body in ways that might lead to orgasm because the orgasm isn't going to happen. You don't want her to think that you only go down on her to make her orgasm and if she isn't going to orgasm you wouldn't go there. See what I mean?

I'm not a vibrator woman. They make me go numb and that is not what I want. Vibrators work great for some women and don't work for other women. Some times a woman gets too sensitive after an orgasm because of the amount of friction created to get there. I think using coconut oil to prevent friction yet allow the stimulating touch and pressure and speed might help in some situations.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Vaginas are tricky creatures...OMG that's perfect! I'm taking that in my sig line. Is that okay with you @lucy999?


Sure.:smile2:


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Thanks for your post!

She's turning 40 this year. She's hasn't really mentioned feeling like menopause may be approaching, or feeling different in anyway. I'm sure it still could be the beginnings of something, though.

I think it may be as simple as we are fixated on it, and she's feeling the pressure to get it, and it is too much for her to relax and achieve it. That's what she feels it is, at least. She also thinks she is disappointing me, by having these issues, and I certainly don't want her to feel that way. I think I may just back off it and not try to hard and see how she responds. Obviously, if it goes on for too long, I'll suggest she see her doctor.

I haven't heard of the coconut oil routine. sounds like something we need to try. Thanks!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Also--maybe try something other than sombrero shorts to bed.


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Also--maybe try something other than sombrero shorts to bed.


I can't change who I am.... :grin2:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tito Santana said:


> Thanks for your post!
> 
> She's turning 40 this year. She's hasn't really mentioned feeling like menopause may be approaching, or feeling different in anyway. I'm sure it still could be the beginnings of something, though.
> 
> ...


Oh my goodness! Don't have sex without it! It is fabulous, not sticky at all, soaks into the skin to moisturizer and you can buy it in the grocery store!

Buy pure unrefined coconut oil. It comes in a jar and is a solid. It has a very low melting point, 77 degF, so it doesn't even make a mess when you scoop some out to start a sensual massage. I LOVE this stuff!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh my goodness! Don't have sex without it! It is fabulous, not sticky at all, soaks into the skin to moisturizer and you can buy it in the grocery store!
> 
> Buy pure unrefined coconut oil. It comes in a jar and is a solid. It has a very low melting point, 77 degF, so it doesn't even make a mess when you scoop some out to start a sensual massage. I LOVE this stuff!


I've only ever used it to cook with, but if I ever have sex again, I definitely have to try it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I've only ever used it to cook with, but if I ever have sex again, I definitely have to try it.


I mix it with almond extract and vanilla extract to rub on my skin, it's a fabulous moisturizer. I mix it with raw sugar to use as a general body exfoliant. I use it straight from the jar on my lady parts to make everything slippery.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Well it is a good thing for everyone that i'm here with my new book Vagina Tamers The Key to the combination lock that is sex. The pirates treasure map to pleasure. I will also be selling the Honda 1000cc vibrator with variable speed motor and the ability to have a saddle strapped on for that natural outdoor feeling.(nicknamed C-biscuit or the pocket rocket) Choices are kick start gas model or 220 volt plug in model with custom paint schemes. Just contact me about shipping details and prices Thanks lol


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I can relate to your wife. I have just turned 40. I used to LOVE oral. I don't know what happened. H's technique stayed the same but my ability to get there disappeared. I do agree with your wife at this point in my life... That enjoying the ride is worth it and the finial destination is not so important anymore. A lengthy stay at the edge is sometimes a good thing, and it is as close as you are gonna get anyway. 

I do have performance anxiety because I know it makes my H feel like less of a man if I don't "O". That makes it really difficult and puts a lot of pressure on the woman to MAKE it happen. It is hard to make it happen. The worst part for me personally is my H going and going and going and it totally not happening and me having to stop him and say OK, IT IS NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Then that makes me feel badly. 

I know we have had the egg timer discussion here before, but still that helps me. To know that it is not gonna go on forever is a huge relief and that I don't have to say STOP. I usually aim for 20 min of "Down South" time. Set the timer and GO!! After 20 min if there is no "O" my H asks you want me to keep on or you wanna stop. Some times the ride is so pleasant that I could go for a little more. Other times I know it is not gonna happen, and I am done and in need of a serious drink of water. All that panting makes ya kinda thirsty. 



Quote By Anon Pink "
Ask her if there are times when she feels like she will get there and are there other times when she's fairly certain it's not going to happen. If she can feel a difference in how her body is responding on that particular time, she could help by signally you to keep going. Don't ask for the signal to stop if she's not getting there. What emotional message does this send when she tells you, it's not going to happen tonight, so you stop touching her body in ways that might lead to orgasm because the orgasm isn't going to happen. You don't want her to think that you only go down on her to make her orgasm and if she isn't going to orgasm you wouldn't go there. See what I mean?"

Exactly. Sometimes I can tell my H beyond a shadow of doubt it will not be happening tonight. You can go down but there will likely not be an "O". Sometimes he says "OK, maybe another night" and we focus on him and sometimes he says "can I go down anyway". I'd be crazy to say NO!!! That is just insane. Some times I can tell him maybe, maybe it will happen. I can't rule it out. But then the performance anxiety kills it. 

You ultimate goal is to provide your wife with pleasure. Pleasure and "O" are two different things. Its like having a piece of chocolate cake, it is so freakin good, is that cherry on the top really gonna make a difference. NO. But sometimes if ya get to have the cherry to then that is just delicious. But it is still pretty dang good with out the cherry. Savor it either way, it is all good.


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