# Not sure what to do..



## DML1977 (Apr 24, 2015)

Warning this is a long post..sorry 

So I have been married a little over 2 years and we have been together almost 3. But pretty much since day 1 our relationship has been very drama filled, but not with us. Let me explain

My husband has a daughter from a previous relationship, when I met him they had just finished a messy divorce in which he basically lost. Although with that he and his ex got along ok. They had their moments of drama but it was basically calming down. His family was super supportive of him and of our relationship. It was great. 

We got married and it all changed. His ex turned him into the state for non payment of child support (which was not true, it was just paperwork that needed to be turned in) but they docked his paycheck for back child support. 
I got pregnant and at the same time he and his Mother had a huge fight and stopped talking to each other. 

A couple of months later we find out his ex wife's live in boyfriend was arrested in front of his daughter for a felony, so he took her back to court for more custody. 

We had a lengthy court battle, most of which was during my pregnancy and the first 5 months of my sons life. We have a home study and other intrusive things done. My husband won custody and his relationship with his ex went down the toilet. 

There was some other issues between them after (I don't want to go into, it would take forever) and the relationship went downhill even more.

So through this all our marriage suffered, we used all our savings for the court battle, we fight all the time, it was awful due to the stress. We now have a really strained relationship. Some days are better than others, but overall its been really hard.

So most of this mess is done, the court battle is basically over, his family hasn't been around but at least they are no longer arguing, they are just ignoring us. But we can't seem to get over it.We fight all the time. We have a really hard time getting along. And lately I dont even know why we are married. 

We have talked about divorce, I have asked for counseling but he doesn't want to, although he says he does, but he refuses to actually do anything about it. 

I am so unhappy and tired and I don't know what to do.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

One thing that I wished I had done as a young mother was take time for myself to find peace. Find time to be alone to get the closeness back, everyone deals with stress differently. If he won't talk or engage with you, then take care of yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is it that you two fight about all the time?

Who starts that fights?

While you describe a situation in which some pretty big drama occurred, it's not clear why the two of you are not getting along.

Let's start with this. How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things?

Which of you takes the major responsibility for taking care of his daughter?

Do the two of you work? Or are you a SAHM?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Use a professional. Go to a marriage counselor.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Go to a counselor on your own first, and if that fails, start detaching. Well, you should have a level of detachment now anyways, it will help you take a step back, reevaluate your relationship, remove some of that emotional haze that colors the situation, helping you get a clearer picture.

As it stands, your relationship lacks communication. If their is a refusal to engage, you will have to create a crisis to see if he is willing or not to join you in saving the relationship. This will take courage and you will need a level of independence and a support system to help you transition if things do not work out.

Sorry to say, but husbands and wives are replaceable jobs. Even though you want this person to work out, you cannot force someone to be a good employee. The difference is there is more of an emotional attachment, thus firing someone as your mate makes it more difficult, not to mention your child with him as well. Still, if he is incapable of fulfilling that role, it is wise to let him go. You could potentially waste years of your time, where that time and energy could be used in moving on if he fails to reengage. Also, by making it a crisis, you will find out if he is motivated, and more about his character. You only know him as far as what he has shown, what you interpreted, makes up his identity as far as you know. And people are capable of hiding parts of their character as well.

Still, you should find a counselor that is not trying to save the marriage, because as far as you know, your husband is the type to hold on to anger and resentment, and may be capable of redirecting that towards you, but with the goal in mind what is the best outcome. If you have any personal issues, independent counseling as well to work on those issues. By investing in yourself, you increase the potential for a successful relationship.


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