# How do I explain an emotional affair?



## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm really struggling with this. My H is in a situation at work where I believe there is a possibility of an EA developing. He is totally naive and has no idea what I am talking about, apparently. He's early 30s and his experience of relationships is somewhat limited.

There is a situation where twice a week they are alone at work, except when the rare customer comes in, and then there is the upcoming staff Christmas party and the possibility of a drunken taxi ride home. All I hear all night is about the brilliant discussions he had with this girl and all the things they totally agree on.

I tried to explain to him that the time they spend together on those days far outweighs the time he spends with me, and that he needs to be careful of the things they discuss, etc. He says that he never talks about personal stuff. I also made it quite clear that I am not happy at all about him coming home with her from the party and he doesn't see why it is such a big deal, as he 'would never do anything' 

Any time I have raised this, only 2 in four months, he tells me that I have nothing to worry about and it is just that I am jealous and insecure. This is possibly true in a small way, as I hate that his work is dominating our lives at the moment and he occasionally says on his days off that he would rather be at work. All I am trying to ask him to do is be mindful of the situation.

What can I say to him to make him understand that EAs are real, and that one thing he can do to avoid it is choose NOT to put himself in those situations?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I sat with my husband and looked up info about EAs online.

When he left, I was suspicious of him too...but he said there was no one...but in any case, we read about it and talked about them and he had NO idea what an EA was or that it was bad/could happen. I wasn't accusatory...just educating....and the vibe I had went away.

Simple but that's what I did.

But your man is saying you are jealous and insecure...which is a red flag to me because he is minimizing your feelings and not respecting them. Why would he want to continue doing what he's doing if he knows it hurts you? My husband was sad that he maybe could have been in an EA and didn't call me names like that.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't think you have anything to worry about. If they start texting all the time outside of work then I would worry. I think your insecurity could actually push him away.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

That you, that_girl, I might just follow your suggestion, do some research online with him. We are just starting to do some exploring of what it takes to make a strong marriage - hence the discussion about not being in a position for an EA to develop.

My question is not so much about my situation, I have nothing to worry about from my H, at the moment anyway. 

The question really is, what can I say to make him see that EAs are real and can be a threat to a marriage? He doesn't see a ride home with a drunk girl as any different to a ride home with a drunk mate.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Hm, I went through something similar with my boyfriend. It took me a few tries to explain EAs to him, though, as he'd never heard of the term. 

He had a female coworker who he was close with, as they pretty much share their work duties. He always thought cheating was just limited to PAs. 

Anyway, I looked up stuff online and went to him with the facts, and the definition of an EA. I then asked him a few questions regarding how he felt for her...ie would he constantly think about her if he dropped contact with her? If either of them left their job, would he miss her terribly, more than his other coworkers? After he answered those questions, he then said..."oh, I see what you mean..." 

He realized then that it was possibly the start of an EA, and he now keeps his relationship with her work-only, and now he truly sees her as just another coworker.

Also, can you maybe pick him up from his Christmas party, so he doesn't have to get a ride home with her?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Sooo, hmmm why aren't you going to the Chirstmas party with him? Ok, its a "work" thing....so yeah, can yo u pick him up (safer in several ways). Sooo, if this girls is so great....when do you get to meet her? Just food for thought. Its hard for me to imagine people not understanding an EA. Hasn't everyone had a crush on someone that didn't or couldn't become physical for whatever reason?


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## tzokat (Dec 19, 2012)

*I just recently find out that our marriage has just been ransacked by an emotional affair. trust me you dont want to through what im going through. better stop it while you can. i had the chance to stop it when i saw the smoke, but i let my guard down and waited for the fire to get big.*

well thats my advice for u. 
i think i need one as well. please read my thread as well. thanx


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks for the replies so far 

galian84 - good idea about the questions, helping him to see the difference in that type of relationship

Shoto1984 - the staff party thing really bugs me, in my whole career parties are always staff & partners, never staff only. I mean, if the idea is to socialise with co-workers with in a non-work environment, then why not include the people who are a major part of their lives?

tzokat - thank you, I'll be sure to take a look at your thread.


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