# Sex, I'm underwhelmed and not performing



## SoulMeetsBody (Sep 22, 2012)

I need some honest opinions...

Some background:
I'm 23 now.
I've been married for 2 years now, never really had a long relationship before this. 
I was in great shape when we first married, now I'm a little squishy.
My self-esteem/confidence is not where it used to be.
Our relationship is on thin ice, and we have one child.
My wife has let herself go more-so than I have, and I am not very attracted to her physically.

Further back now:
Before we started dating, as I said I was in good shape and feeling good about myself in all aspects of life.
The sex, with the few girls that I had relationships with before her, was great. I lasted for hours, sometimes not even able to complete (but I was ok with it, little ego-boost I suppose). 
It was spontaneous, exciting, new, all those good adjectives.
And before I started having sex, I never pictured myself being any good. So this was all fairly alarming to me, in a good way.

I've never had problems getting erections, and still don't. In fact, before, I had trouble (embarrassment?) because I would get an erection just hopping in bed with a girl if I thought that was the direction it was heading in.

Present:
My sex life sucks. 
As I just stated, I have no problem getting an erection. Problem is, I ejaculate wayyy too prematurely, especially since I used to last as long as I did. Sad thing is, there is really nothing that great going on that would explain me getting to that point so damn fast?
As I said, I'm not very sexually attracted to her, just speaking the truth here. She almost exclusively wants missionary (her on bottom, just... laying there), and once in a blue moon, doggy. I almost never get any oral or hj (I think one reason here is that I get an erection so quickly, it eliminates the need to do it IN HER MIND) and if I do, it's for no longer than 5 min., yet I give her oral or the like almost every time. Sometimes for half an hour or more. I figure it's only fair to finish her off first, or later, since I can't seem to last long enough to get her there manually. There's no spontaneity, no excitement, It's more along the lines of her saying, "are you gonna have sex with me tonight?" 
Her drive is apparently much healthier than mine given the circumstances, and she seems to be perfectly satisfied with the sex. Why? IMO, because she's getting everything she wants and needs out of it. I'm not.

I think this pattern of disappointment chips away at my sexual confidence/ability every time. It doesn't really seem to bother me THAT much at the time, but the next time I crawl under the sheets I seem to be more and more aware, nervous, tense, and embarrassed that I won't last long enough.

I've done some research of my own on this, but I'd really rather hear some honest opinions on here.

I'm sure it will be asked eventually, so I'll go ahead and say yes, I masturbate more frequently now than I ever have before. Rarely to porn though. Maybe 3-4 times a week?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead: I wonder too... how you can premature ejactulate when you're not even attracted to your wife -> If I wasn't attracted to someone I would have to plug my ears and close my eyes to even keep it hard enough to last, let alone ejaculate. Wait... don't tell me you... nevermind

Have you been to the doctors about this? Because you don't just go from lasting hours to lasting minutes out of the blue. As for your wife and yourself, this information between your wife and yourself needs to be transparent as it looks like it's going to take a team effort.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Porn 3-4 times a week? That's not rarely. That's pretty often.

How often do you have sex with your wife weekly?

If you come right away.. .can't you start a second time? Maybe that's where the HJ / BJ can come in.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

It's just the way it is!! I know you won't like that answer, but it is. All guys are different it is strange you are a preemie now and weren't before. Normally once a preemie always a preemie. Internet lore be damned guys that can't last 2 minutes aren't doing some magic technique and now lasting 2 hours. 

Sex on average is 3-13 minutes averaging around 7 statistically........lol. 

Elegirl the ability to just start again is a rare one. Some guys I know can go multiple times in a row with little time in between. Me personally I never have been good at that and now since I'm older than 35...lol I doubt I ever will. 

I can go 20-30 minutes, but I'm truly one and done for at least 20 minutes and usually it'll just be toy time after that anyway. Every guy is different though.


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## SoulMeetsBody (Sep 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Port 3-4 times a week? That's not rarely. That's pretty often.
> 
> How often do you have sex with your wife weekly?
> 
> If you come right away.. .can't you start a second time? Maybe that's where the HJ / BJ can come in.


Masturbation 3-4 times a week, rarely to porn. I did word that a little weird.
We have sex 1-2 times a week, and I always tell myself I'm going to go for round 2, but when it gets to that point I'd rather relax in the afterglow. That's whats happens when you do all the work I suppose.

Random - I think it might have more to do with confidence than the actual sexual attraction to her itself. I mean, there are still times where I want to have sex with her, but its just not the way it used to be. And I'm a guy, so, I hardly pass up the opportunity, even if it might be a little underwhelming.
No, haven't been to any doctors about it. And I've been trying to make these things a little more transparent bit by bit, but she takes everything too personally. If I say "I want to try something different," she takes it as "I don't like having sex with you."

OhGeesh - You're right, I don't like that, haha. But I see your point. And yes, I typically last 5-15 minutes, depending on how aroused I was to begin with. 
And yea, even if I really wanted to, I'd have to wait a good 15 min. or so to start a second time. Too sensitive to enjoy it. 
When my wife and I first started having sex tho, that wasn't the case. I could go back to back with very brief rests in-between.

That's what I'm talking about. Something has to be wrong with me, whether it's physical or mental.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SoulMeetsBody said:


> Masturbation 3-4 times a week, rarely to porn. I did word that a little weird.
> We have sex 1-2 times a week, and I always tell myself I'm going to go for round 2, but when it gets to that point I'd rather relax in the afterglow. That's whats happens when you do all the work I suppose. .


That afterglow could be extended for a long time and then a rev-up happen again. The woman just has to know how to do it.

Your wife is not being very proactive in her love making. It could be that your experiencing a reaction to the disappointment. Perhaps our body is telling you “Why put a lot of work into this when I’m doing going to get anything spectacular.” So the body gets it over with quickly.

Is the length of time you last with your wife about the same time you last when you masturbate?


SoulMeetsBody said:


> That's what I'm talking about. Something has to be wrong with me, whether it's physical or mental.


When you say something is wrong with you, don’t personalize it. Yes you are having some problems but you most likely can fix this.

Rule out any medical issues. 

If it’s not medical then find a sex therapist. They will have things you can work on. You are hardly the first guy who this has happened to.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I wouldn't be able to get it up for a dead fish every night either.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

SoulMeetsBody said:


> I'm sure it will be asked eventually, so I'll go ahead and say yes, I masturbate more frequently now than I ever have before. Rarely to porn though. Maybe 3-4 times a week?


"Rarely" is not the adjective that comes to mind.

I noticed that you don't have anything good to say about you wife. You didn't mention any good qualities she has. Are you sure you are prepared to spend to rest of your life with someone you don't seem to be very into?

Have you told her that you feel less than satisfied with your sex life and that she needs to take better care of herself? Having a child is not an excuse to be a fat fatty!


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## bouillon (Nov 13, 2012)

Everyone is different so I can only advise you based upon my own experience.

I’m not that much older than you and I've had some of the same problems you have had fairly recently. I think you should start with your attraction to your wife. If she has really let her weight go that could be a major problem for your stamina. I remember having sex with a couple of larger chicks and every time I could not last. They weren't ugly or unwilling to do anything, it was just the feel of their bodies and their low self-esteem. I think subconsciously, I just wanted to get it over with. With my fiance it is a different story, she is in shape and my stamina issues with her stemmed from a different problem.

We just were not having enough sex. I wasn't being nice, or helping around the house, or with my daughter, or working consistently enough… she didn't like me. As soon as I started to work on those things the sex became more frequent and her more willing to go down and I was able to last longer. *Nowhere in your post do you talk about problems in your life outside of your sexual experience. That’s a problem. You are married now, it is time to think about more than just doing it. You need to consider that your relationship outside of the bedroom might have heavy implications for what goes on inside.* Also maybe you could ask her for help with the issue. You can’t just bam, bam, bam, done. Slow it down, ask her to go more frequently, or to be patient with you, work on it together.

On another note, stop masturbating so much. When I reduced my hand-eye coordination practice (what I like to call it) down to once a week I was able to go for two rounds more frequently. I like to think of the ability to go twice sort of like a reserve system. You have to let that reserve build up. If you are releasing too often, once you try with your lady it’s not going to work, it is already gone. Store up some of that energy for the real deal. 

Lastly, this actually should have been first, you need to work on YOUR physical appearance. When you are in shape people treat you differently. I’ve never been huge, but when I toned up and kept the weight off people interacted with me differently. Maybe your wife will too. Maybe you guys can make it a thing to get in shape together. As youngsters this is our best years, when we can look our best, missing out on that to munch down on burgers and fries is not worth it.

One more thing! As for right now, when you do have sex… go for gold! Make your wife want to come back. 

Sorry for the long post but BTDT.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

It's funny - there was a period when my wife and I were still dating, I'm talking probably 5 years ago now, when my self-esteem was low because I was out of work for a month or two (it's the only time in my life I was ever unemployed, and I _hated_ it and myself), and during that period I went through a phase of not being able to last very long. As soon as I got a job and felt better about myself things turned around.

Self-esteem may be part of it. Get in better shape, make yourself feel good. Worth a try.


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