# My Story :(



## ookcor (Feb 29, 2012)

Hi guys,

I'm new to this forum and I'm just trying to get some non biased view on my situation. I looked all over the internet for somebody with similar story to mine but without luck.

So let me explain a little and I thank you already for reading this. It might just make me feel better to write it down even If I get no responses.

So here is my story... I've been with my girlfriend since middle 2009. We have a daughter together and at first our relationship was sent from heaven. I've had two failed long term relationships before this (I'm 28 now) and both ended in disaster. After the last one I tought I'd never find anybody to love again... however that was not the case in 2009 I've met the best girl on the planet. Smart, sweet and beautiful really an amazing person. About a year into our relationship I've started getting affraid It will all end up in dissaster like it has always in the past. I've hated that filing and somehow I wanted to get out before I would feel hurt and beaten again.

So I've been online (facebook) and I've had a lot of women on my FB. I wrote some innapropriate comments under the pictures etc (like so sexy... love the eyes... you have a perfect body, etc) nothing to graphical however and never talked to any of those girls (or anybody for that matter) in private chats / messages. Well my gf got pregnant at that time and she somehow found those comments. She went and dug up everything she could find, printed out, wrote down and confronted me.... she was furious... I felt remorseful, ashamed, angry (as I still do today) of my actions. I lost an appreciation of what I had and instead of trying I was ready to throw everything away because I was affraid...

So moving on to present (about december 2011). I'm working abroad every few months for about a month and when I came back from my last trip in december one night while giving bath to my daughter I found an email to her friend. I never was a stalking type of boyfriend or the type to invade privacy but something struck me of that email and I read it... Inside were details of an affair she was telling to her friend with a guy that lives close by (one of her friends).... I was devastated... I can't even describe the feeling... My world fell apart... After confronting her she told me that they just kissed and It only happened once.... Well since then I'm obssesed with finding what happened....

Her story is that she wanted to get revenge on me (thats how it started) then she "tought" she developed feelings for him and was willing to leave me for him (she even wrote that in a letter). She says it lasted three months... that she never really had any intention of leaving me and that she broke it off... I know she feels remorsefull, is very hurt and dissapointed... Well later (last week) I confronted her on a hunch I had and basically was just stabbing in the dark (but with logical statements). They were texting sexual messages to eachother, she (so she says) never had sex with him, but she gave him a "handjob" but holding his hand while he was doing it... which honestly I don't believe for a second. I've also found out she sent him a picture of herself in lingerie (even tough the first time I confronted her she swore she hasn't sent any pictures)... I have no more trust for her... and for me she was the most trust worthy person on the planet...

Last few days I've never been so angry, sad, hurt, furious all at once in my life.... I love her but how do I forgive? I want to be with her but how do I forget? Images of her and him just keep flashing over and over in my head... I started drinking just to feel normal for a little.... I want to hurt that guy and I've been looking for him ever since. I don't know what I'll do when I see him but I know what I'd like to do... and I don't think that would end up good for either of us....

Did I deserve this... maybe... but in this extent? I'm confused, lost and devastated... I have no idea where to turn or what to do... If anybody has any advice I'd be more than gratefull.... 

I just need to vent... but for the first time in my life I don't know how...

Thank you for your time


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here. FB can be a great communication tool but at the same time it can be nothing but trouble. I've learned things about my H through FB and it can be hard to deal with. I understand that maybe you made some comments about photos that you should not have done but for your gf stating things in email is different. Her comments had intentions. I can understand why you feel the way you do but a lot is going to depend on what your gf is willing to do about this issue. It is very difficult to move forward when anger levels are high. Try not to make any rash decisions until you have time to fully absorb all that has happened. Good luck.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

1st DO NOT DRNINK, been there done that, only leads to bad things, 2nd do not do anything to land yourself in jail, again only bad things will happen.
Read here on TAM, others will be popping in to offer advice, ideas etc to help you thru this.

Sorry you are here, you can and will get thru this, believe in that.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife is clearly TT, dont buy that, she is only in a damage control mode. Its a full blown PA, she is saying what she think you will accept without much disgust.
Did she offered complete transparency, is she truly remorseful? If not then its not time for R. Ask her to come clean with complete honesty if she want to remain with you. Dont buy her revenge affair theory. Writing something and doing something is different.
Dont drink, it will only spoil you. Take care of yourself. Dont do any thing with OM so as to end up behind the bars.
Its too sad to see you here.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

your wife may be trickle truthing...her reasons for starting the affair are also illegitimate she is just trying to blameshift which shows that her remorse is not fully genuine. She feels guilty and she wants to keep the relationship because she is comfortable in it but if she was truly sorry she would do way more than just making up excuses. you need to show her that you won't put up with this and that you are ready to leave her if need be.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It is hard to be in your place. 

What does she say now?
What are your reactions to it?
Instead of taking decisions in haste, can you take hold on for a while and listen to what she is going to say?
Are you willing to go for R?

Dont hurt yourself by getting angry, running the mind movies.
Many of us in this forum have been there.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You didn't do anything wrong with the FB comments.

Nice eyes? nice body? Big deal. You made generic one off comments that people make while watching tv.

It's up to you how you handle this, but just dont let her think you cheated first. That is NOT cheating.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Um, sorry, you are both wrong.

She is completely wrong, period. There is no excuse for her behavior, and she is minimizing, TTing, blame-shifting, you name it. She needs to own her behavior and not blame you--even if your disrespecting her "made" her feel she needed attention elsewhere. She should not have acted on it, she should have come to you and worked it out.

But seriously, your FB comments are not the same as commenting about girls on tv. (And BTW-if you are a man watching tv with your woman, and you are saying ---wow, she has a perfect body---you are being a jerk) The girls on facebook are real, and you can or already have met them. Those kind of "innocent" comments are the first step to being unfaithful, esp. if she comments back to you that you are sexy, and you start to chat...

Then its off to the races!

I wonder if that is how her affair began?


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## ookcor (Feb 29, 2012)

I agree with you lostwifecrushed. My cooments may have not been graphical but were a disrespect to her. She was angree and could not get over it.
So yes I've 'started' her behaviour to some degree. But doing it real life? Going physical and emotional? Three
Months? And she wrote that Mail not expectin me to read it. She wrote and i quote "i wanted to leave him (me) already but I've changed my mind since I could've been with him (the guy) for a week and then realize we don't fit. And even tough i decided to break it off we still saw eachother few times and you know how it always ends with him..." end quote.then she tells me they'e only kissed once (never mentioned handjob before) until i got it out.... She begged me to stay sayin she would do anything to prove how much she loves me etc.

She gave me her fb,phone,mail however she says how she feels
Like shes back in elementary school, me having to know where she goes. How she hopes we dont run into one of her guy friends cuz shes affraid ill make a scene etc.

That quote is the thing that killed me. The way i see it im a "safer" choice. If it doesent work out with him than she would be alone.... I think that is the reason why. Eventough i think she is showing genuine remorse i cant get that out of my head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

She is using what you did as an excuse to lessen the serverity of her behavior. 



> you know how it always ends with him...


I would say this is pretty obvious that she has had sex with him. Trickle truth in full effect.



> i wanted to leave him (me) already but I've changed my mind since I could've been with him (the guy) for a week and then realize we don't fit


Ahh the wonderful feeling of being second choice. So if she does find someone that she "fits" with I guess she will be done with you? 

Throw a polygraph on the table. Write down some specific questions that you feel she is not being honest about and let her know that you will be taking a list with you. Usually just threatening the polygraph will make them start talking. But make sure you follow through and make her take one.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Her behavior against your relationship is not comparable with your “mistake” by all means.
It’s like comparing a Trabant car with a Boeing 747 in respect of horsepower.
Furthermore the content of her message is quite unacceptable and based on this you should not think or believe that she went through all this. And based again on her text, ok she broke it with him, what about if she will meet him by chance as she states “we all know how this ends up”. After all OM is a neighbor. Isn’t he? No you cannot get it out of your head at all. Especially now, when you are not married to her, start seriously to think if you want to live a life full of uncertainty. Usually I prefer to exhaust any and all possibilities of saving a marriage, a lot of times ignoring the obvious and try to excuse inexcusable behaviors. I understand that you have a daughter with this woman and you have also to think about baby’s future. If you decide to stay with your gf, you have to push her to the end of her limits, so as to prove you her actual remorse. And then never leave her unattended.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Another sign of disrespect - she was telling a friend about it? It is one thing to disrespect you because her head is full of lust for a new shiny thing that passes bye, but telling a friend that she prefers someone else to you but is too scared to act on it? 

Also, people who admit things because they get caught are not sorry for their actions, just sorry they got caught. E.g., she is not sorry she jerked him off, just sorry you found out. Her email and trickle truthing demonstrate this completely.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

First thing, she did have sex with him , multiple times. Adults don't stop at kissing.. And she wouldn't be making a decision to leave you without the sex.

Maybe this is a bad idea but here goes..
She will not confess unless you have has absolute proof. You can only manipulate into her confessing(Talk to the other guy if you have to. Ask him the truth now that your wife has confessed to it. Compare. Or that you will message him as her from his phone. One guy got his wife to confess the affair by threatening to send the OM "Remember that time we had sex". He reasoned that if they hadn't, he could play it off as a mistake or a wrong number. She confessed )

Look at the phone records. If she has a smart phone, you can recover deleted texts.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Maybe I'm missing it, but you don't actually say she has brought up your past incident in relation to this current affair of hers.

Where do you go from here? The tone of your post seems like you've already made up your mind to stay with her no matter what.

You should not make any decisions to stay with her until you know the truth. That should be the starting point. Until you have the truth, you will not be able to have a great relationship with her. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you ever had a great relationship with her to begin with or, if you did, it wasn't great for very long.

Tell her the lies she has been telling you are just not believable and you refuse to accept them any longer. Tell her if she doesn't come clean with the truth, you will leave her. Only do this if you're really willing to go through with it.

Tell her you want her to help you find the truth. Ask her to show you all of her messages and to try to recover them with you. If she says she deleted them, tell her you would like to bring her computer, phone, etc., to a computer technician to see if he can recover them. Tell her if she has nothing to hide, she would be willing to do this.

I don't know too much about polygraphs, but some people recommend asking their cheating partners to take one.

She sounds like there's only so much of putting up with hearing about her affair that she is willing to take and she's just about at her limit. She wants it put in the past without having to tell you the truth.

You are boyfriend and girlfriend, you are not engaged, you mention no plans to marry, she caught you making comments on Facebook about how sexy other girls were; maybe she's doubting your commitment to her and she's trying to keep her other options open. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't feel too comfortable with you. If she were my daughter, and I read your post, I might tell her to get out of the relationship with you.

Sorry you're getting somewhat of a mixed message from me, but I don't know either of you and this is how I see it based on the limited info posted here.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have both cheated on each other, so neither of you trusts the other---she excused her cheating as revenge, which in her mind was a justification, for what she did----

Do not get married---if the 2 of you stay together, and continue your misery, just live as roommates

What is really sad here, is the child, what kind of environment is that child gonna be brought up in.

It is obvious the 2 of you do not seriously talk to each other---well for that child that you are both responsible for---I SUGGEST THE TWO YOU SIT DOWN REGULARLY AND SERIOUSLY TALK TO EACH OTHER, SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

His comments were innapropriate...not cheating.

But you know your wife better than I, so if she was disrespected than that is an issue. Just dont allow that lame ass reason to be the "cause" of her cheating.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

ookcor said:


> I agree with you lostwifecrushed. My cooments may have not been graphical but were a disrespect to her. She was angree and could not get over it.
> So yes I've 'started' her behaviour to some degree. But doing it real life? Going physical and emotional? Three
> Months? And she wrote that Mail not expectin me to read it. She wrote and i quote "i wanted to leave him (me) already but I've changed my mind since I could've been with him (the guy) for a week and then realize we don't fit. And even tough i decided to break it off we still saw eachother few times and you know how it always ends with him..." end quote.then she tells me they'e only kissed once (never mentioned handjob before) until i got it out.... She begged me to stay sayin she would do anything to prove how much she loves me etc.
> 
> ...


I don't think you started her down that road with your comments! You disrespected her, it just happened to be on facebook. The disrespect is the problem. Some women are very sensitive to this stuff. They see it as you showing a romantic interest in another woman, esp. things like "beautiful eyes, etc. 

Having said that-- She is responsible for her choices. Not you. Thats the problem with cheating! While you both contribute to the problems in the relationship, one person crosses the line and goes outside emotionally or physically. And its awful.

Don't put up with her blaming-shifting. Her cheating is no way to restore respect in the relationship.


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