# Possible divorce



## MM09 (Aug 1, 2021)

So this is my first time posting. I am a young military wife to 3 children. The youngest being just over 1 month old. My husband is currently deployed and has said yes or I think so to the divorce word when I’ve brought it up a few times now. Before his deployment, his very close cousin who was a brother to him passed away and also found out his father has cancer. He was also not able to be there for the birth of our daughter. I started noticing he was growing more and more distant. He wasn’t calling family anymore or me and the kids. I have constantly tried communicating with him about what was going to happen to us and he always says “I don’t know” that he needs time alone to think about everything. He said he feels anger and resentment toward me and the grief he feels has brought all of these feelings up. I feel so lost and confused about the state of my marriage and don’t know what to do. He is still deployed and almost refuses to talk to me. He barely calls and has asked me to give him time to think about everything. Sorry if none of this makes sense. What should I do in this situation?
TIA for any advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why do you think he feels anger and resentment towards you?


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## MM09 (Aug 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why do you think he feels anger and resentment towards you?


He feels anger a resentment toward me for not being able to see his family. In his head he believes I always prevented that. Now with his cousin passed away and his father diagnosed with cancer he resents me. Truth is he wanted to visit his cousin in New York City during the pandemic (which I have children to protect) and it was always hard visiting family due to being in separate states because of the military. Every time I try talking to him on the phone about everything he says he feels okay one day and the next day he feels like he’s in a dark place and almost seems disgusted with even talking to me on the phone. This pain is unreal.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MM09 said:


> I am a young military wife to 3 children. The youngest being just over 1 month old. My husband is currently deployed and has said yes or I think so to the divorce word when I’ve brought it up a few times now. Before his deployment, his very close cousin who was a brother to him passed away and also found out his father has cancer. He was also not able to be there for the birth of our daughter. I started noticing he was growing more and more distant. He wasn’t calling family anymore or me and the kids.
> 
> 
> ........ I feel so lost and confused about the state of my marriage and don’t know what to do. He is still deployed and almost refuses to talk to me. He barely calls and has asked me to give him time to think about everything. Sorry if none of this makes sense. What should I do in this situation?
> TIA for any advice.


You should have access to a lot of military help both formal and informal. Have you talked to the chaplain for his unit or the local base. If you shop at the PX, have you asked anyone there if there isn't someone at one of the nearby posts that you can talk to about personal problems. There are probably a lot of support groups you could reach out to. 

Good luck. Try to do some things with him (zoom calls, pictures, videos, letters, etc.) that might help him feel more connected.


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## MM09 (Aug 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> You should have access to a lot of military help both formal and informal. Have you talked to the chaplain for his unit or the local base. If you shop at the PX, have you asked anyone there if there isn't someone at one of the nearby posts that you can talk to about personal problems. There are probably a lot of support groups you could reach out to.
> 
> Good luck. Try to do some things with him (zoom calls, pictures, videos, letters, etc.) that might help him feel more connected.


We FaceTime and text, but he barely wants to talk to me on the phone.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You might get more responses and suggestion if you moved this to the considering divorce versus the long term success in marriage forum.

If you ping a mod they can move it. Or general gets a lot of traffic too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@MM09

I moved your post to the Considering Divorce or Separation forum as you might get more input here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MM09 said:


> So this is my first time posting. I am a young military wife to 3 children. The youngest being just over 1 month old. My husband is currently deployed and has said yes or I think so to the divorce word when I’ve brought it up a few times now. Before his deployment, his very close cousin who was a brother to him passed away and also found out his father has cancer. He was also not able to be there for the birth of our daughter. I started noticing he was growing more and more distant. He wasn’t calling family anymore or me and the kids. I have constantly tried communicating with him about what was going to happen to us and he always says “I don’t know” that he needs time alone to think about everything. He said he feels anger and resentment toward me and the grief he feels has brought all of these feelings up. I feel so lost and confused about the state of my marriage and don’t know what to do. He is still deployed and almost refuses to talk to me. He barely calls and has asked me to give him time to think about everything. Sorry if none of this makes sense. What should I do in this situation?
> TIA for any advice.


When do you expect your husband's deployment to end?

It sounds like he's going through a deep depression. Does he acknowledge this?


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## MM09 (Aug 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> When do you expect your husband's deployment to end?
> 
> It sounds like he's going through a deep depression. Does he acknowledge this?


His deployment should end in about 2 more months. I think he is going through a very deep depression. Especially where he is currently located, I’m afraid he’s just falling deeper into a dark hole. I’m just so afraid of him really wanting a divorce. He doesn’t acknowledge depression but it’s obvious he must be feeling that way. How do I handle this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes a person has to fight their own demons on their own. It seems like that's what's going on with him.

The only person you can change is yourself, so put your efforts there. What are you doing to take extra care of for yourself? What are the issues that you are having because of COVID19 and your children? Do you have a job, or are you a full time stay-at-home mom (SAHM)?

The good thing is that there are things that can be done to restructure and rebuild your relationship. Sadly no one teaches us how to build a healthy, strong, and passionate marriage. Often it's trial and error and a very bumpy road. My suggestion is that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They will tell you why this happens in a marriage and how to fix it. My suggestion is that you read the books yourself first and do the work that they say to do. Then, once he's back home, you can sit him down and let him know that you are unhappy with the way things are, and ask him to read the books with you and do the work with you.

Currently, while he's deployed, do you try talking to him about your marriage issues when you are able to talk to him or email him?

Why have you brought up divorce to him several times? Was it when you were angry?


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## MM09 (Aug 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Sometimes a person has to fight their own demons on their own. It seems like that's what's going on with him.
> 
> The only person you can change is yourself, so put your efforts there. What are you doing to take extra care of for yourself? What are the issues that you are having because of COVID19 and your children? Do you have a job, or are you a full time stay-at-home mom (SAHM)?
> 
> ...


I am currently living back home with family because we do not have housing yet (they don’t have anything available for us yet and he was deploying so staying with family back home whole I was pregnant was my only option). I have my RN license so I can definitely work but my youngest is only 7 weeks old. The 7 week old not having an immune system or shots really prevents me from doing a whole lot with the kids. There’s only so much park time I can do until it becomes boring for myself and my kids (which they have expressed lol). I would love to try the books with him but as you’ve mentioned he has to work out his own demons I guess. I’m afraid he’s just so far gone. I brought up divorce asking if that’s what he wanted because he was become more and more distant with me. I knew something was wrong. I figured it was his grief and being sent on deployment right away, but it has consumed him to the point of not wanting to even talk to me or possibly be with me. Each time I asked if he wants a divorce he either says “I don’t know” “I think so” or (angrily) “yes.” The last few times I have tried having a calm conversation about everything he complains it’s the reason he hates calling. He has asked for space and to not talk about things because he needs to talk to someone first about everything he’s feeling. I just feel so lost and confused I wish this pain would stop. 😞


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just a quick reply ... I'll reply more after I get some sleep.

I wondered if the reason he avoids talking with you right now is because you bring up your relationship issues. That's not very productive. If he's already depressed due to the losses in his life, this is just piling more on him at a time when he cannot do much about it. Instead, use your time talking with him build your connection. Talk about positive things. Do things you both enjoy. Are there any online games the two of you can play together? Or watch a movie together?

I don't think I was clear about the books. He does have to work out his own issues. However, his issues are not the only problem you two have. You have serious relationship problems. But once he's back home, the two of you need to work on your relationship. The reason for the books is to give you the tools to work through the issues with him and restructure your relationship into a strong, passionate one.


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## MM09 (Aug 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Just a quick reply ... I'll reply more after I get some sleep.
> 
> I wondered if the reason he avoids talking with you right now is because you bring up your relationship issues. That's not very productive. If he's already depressed due to the losses in his life, this is just piling more on him at a time when he cannot do much about it. Instead, use your time talking with him build your connection. Talk about positive things. Do things you both enjoy. Are there any online games the two of you can play together? Or watch a movie together?
> 
> I don't think I was clear about the books. He does have to work out his own issues. However, his issues are not the only problem you two have. You have serious relationship problems. But once he's back home, the two of you need to work on your relationship. The reason for the books is to give you the tools to work through the issues with him and restructure your relationship into a strong, passionate one.


I can understand that. I’m sure me constantly trying to talk about everything is not helping, it’s just so hard not knowing what’s going to happen in my marriage. I spoke to him yesterday and of course brought it up again as to why he no longer tells me he loves me over the phone and it creates conflict and he hung up. I haven’t heard from him today. I’m so angry with myself because I feel like I just made everything worse. I texted him apologizing but no reply. We definitely have relationship issues. I feel like this is the longest two months of my life.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

> Young at Heart said:
> 
> You should have access to a lot of military help both formal and informal. Have you talked to the chaplain for his unit or the local base. If you shop at the PX, have you asked anyone there if there isn't someone at one of the nearby posts that you can talk to about personal problems. There are probably a lot of support groups you could reach out to.
> 
> Good luck. Try to do some things with him (zoom calls, pictures, videos, letters, etc.) that might help him feel more connected.





MM09 said:


> We FaceTime and text, but he barely wants to talk to me on the phone.


Again, there are lots of resources available to military families. Even if you live off base, there are programs and support groups to help you. This is not an uncommon problem. There is help available, if you ask for it.

Good luck.

Military family relationship support resources

5 Things to do if military marriage is in trouble


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you do get him on the phone, keep it light and tell him funny or interesting things that the kids did. You constantly talking about the marriage is driving him away. Make him want to talk to you by not making him dread it.


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