# Marriage seems like cage after 23 years



## petlover

I've never done anything like this before but I have no one to talk to. After 23 yrs. of marriage, I'm at a crossroads. I believe life is too short to go through it being unhappy. I'm no longer in love with my husband and haven't been for the past five or so years. 

I'm terribly disappointed with life. It seems all the people in my life who were supposed to love me didn't (except my children) and now I feel the same way about my husband. We are both educated people (he is highly educated). You would think that halfway smart people would know how to make a marriage work but all I can think is that I don't want to live the rest of my life in this way. I'm the child of divorce and know what it does to children. Right now I'm thinking when my youngest graduates high school (four more years), I want change. 

Hubby isn't a horrible person, in some ways he's good. He's dependable and reliable and in some ways, a hard worker, though to me he is an "over-educated underachiever." He went to school forever and loved that but didn't really take advantage of career opportunities. His income is very low for his education so retirement funds and kids' college funds (etc) are a problem. 

More importantly, I finally realized that things go OK between us as long as I agree with his point of view. When I disagree, he shuts me completely out. He is very stubborn. So finally, the last couple years, I stopped trying...about any problem. 

I am a Christian and used to believe marriage is forever. I made a vow. But sometimes I think, man, I was twenty-three years old when I married. I had little support or advise. We didn't go through any premarital counseling. This is not how I envisioned our life together. In some ways, he is not the same person I married and I know I've changed too. Doesn't everyone? What now? I just don't know. Well, at least it feels a little better just telling all this to someone out there. Any advise would be appreciated...


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## Alexandra

I feel the desperation and anguish in your voice (words) and I just want to say, I'm sorry. I truly am sorry that you're at this point.

A few questions, just meant to get you thinking and examining yourself and maybe even to prod a few wounds. 

You seem to be a person who can communicate well. Have you communicated your thoughts of being no longer in love with your husband? How exactly do you define being "in love?" 

You seem disappointed in the kind of man your husband is or has turned out to be. You feel frustrated that he's not respecting your viewpoint or listening to you. You've stopped trying (which is a hard, lonely place to be).

Can you turn the tables a little? Instead of focusing on four years from now when you can have change, why not change the way that you think TODAY. Can you add up the benefits of your marriage, the positive aspects of your husband? Can you strive for contentment with the ways things are today?

Is it possible that by not respecting him as a man, you are contributing to his attitude of shutting you out? (You call him an underachiever, that's got to hurt for men as they value themselves based on their achievements. Even if you don't say those words, your actions may say them.)

I know I'm asking hard, possibly hurtful questions. I really don't mean to hurt. I just want to challenge you to look beyond, to strive after choices like contentment and respect (those things totally don't come naturally). 

Many blessings to you in this struggle.


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## MEM2020

Ah the classic overeducated under achiever. I can almost guarantee he will be on here in 4 years hysterically posting about how his wife left him. He will say: I know I am not perfect but I never had any idea she was thinking of leaving/was unhappy enough to want a divorce. 

I have a wonderful wife who sometimes has boundary issues. There have been 2-3 times in 20 years where I have simply asked her a question. I trust her honesty - if you DON'T trust his then put it in writing - like via an email that YOU can keep a copy of. The question is simple. 

Do you really believe that I will stay with you, if you act this way after our youngest child goes to college? 

Thats it. Thats the question. And each time I have done that I have done it in the spirit of being constructive. This is not about "fear" tactics this is the sincere desire I have to NOT surprise/astonish the most important person in my life. 

And each time it has produced enough improvement that my dark thoughts of a future parting went away. He has 4 years to fix this - and that is up to him. But you should be willing to put it out there so he really knows what is coming. 







petlover said:


> I've never done anything like this before but I have no one to talk to. After 23 yrs. of marriage, I'm at a crossroads. I believe life is too short to go through it being unhappy. I'm no longer in love with my husband and haven't been for the past five or so years.
> 
> I'm terribly disappointed with life. It seems all the people in my life who were supposed to love me didn't (except my children) and now I feel the same way about my husband. We are both educated people (he is highly educated). You would think that halfway smart people would know how to make a marriage work but all I can think is that I don't want to live the rest of my life in this way. I'm the child of divorce and know what it does to children. Right now I'm thinking when my youngest graduates high school (four more years), I want change.
> 
> Hubby isn't a horrible person, in some ways he's good. He's dependable and reliable and in some ways, a hard worker, though to me he is an "over-educated underachiever." He went to school forever and loved that but didn't really take advantage of career opportunities. His income is very low for his education so retirement funds and kids' college funds (etc) are a problem.
> 
> More importantly, I finally realized that things go OK between us as long as I agree with his point of view. When I disagree, he shuts me completely out. He is very stubborn. So finally, the last couple years, I stopped trying...about any problem.
> 
> I am a Christian and used to believe marriage is forever. I made a vow. But sometimes I think, man, I was twenty-three years old when I married. I had little support or advise. We didn't go through any premarital counseling. This is not how I envisioned our life together. In some ways, he is not the same person I married and I know I've changed too. Doesn't everyone? What now? I just don't know. Well, at least it feels a little better just telling all this to someone out there. Any advise would be appreciated...


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## D8zed

Who gets to decide or determine if another person is an "underachiever"?


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## petlover

That person might be the wife and two children (at the time) who lived in near poverty and worked hard so he could pursue his dream and get through the long, tough years of graduate school so we could "have a better future." The better future is now and it's not much better financially or other ways. He loved being a student but doesn't so much love the work of a career.


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## petlover

Wow. Thanks MEM11363. I think I may ask him that question.


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## petlover

Thanks Alexandra, you gave me a lot to think about. I'm sure I have contributed to his shutting down because of my disappointment of him as a man (which I'm sure he sees) and that's something I can work on. And I may as well try to find some point of contentment. Maybe we can work and change some of this...which I am doubtful. But I cannot go through the next few years being a frustrated, sad woman. A person has to find happiness in themselves as much as possible. Thanks!


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## seagrovelady

Have you considered he might have Attention Deficit Disorder? Usually under achievers have a reason for being that way. I have found out recently my husband, who resembles your remarks is suffering from this. He has a college degree and does handy man work, He can't concentrate very long on any one thing. If it is something he does like, he gets hyperfocused on it. We watch the same sitcoms over and over. I have accused him of being lazy and insensitive only to realize he has a medical condition that is causing these problems. My only concern is him not getting the proper diagnosis and treatment. If that is the case, I will be forced into a divorce because at this stage of our lives, he either fixes the problem or doesn't. You can lead a horse to the water but you can't make then drink. Explore other possibilities for his actions or lack of.


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