# Earning/chores/free time balance



## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

This must have been discussed here but I can't see it. I support the both of us financially - she earns a bit now and then, with my support. I just get on with household chores whenever I see something needs doing - she does a bit now and then, and those times she seems to be convinced I ought to help her. Because I'm freelance/self-employed every hour during the day I spend, say, washing up and cleaning, costs us £xx, and yep I'm in the UK. But every marriage counsellor says we should share the household chores 50/50. The result is she has loads of free time and I have none, other than when we go out together or go on holiday together, which is more times than I can afford. I feel I'm being had, but if I raise it she blows a fuse and believe me it's not pretty. I feel sorry for her because she's suffered a really bad trauma in the past, so I'm soft on her but it's doing my head in and she's just getting worse. The question is when there's this imbalance, how to change it without creating a marriage-ending fight?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

matador1958 said:


> This must have been discussed here but I can't see it. I support the both of us financially - she earns a bit now and then, with my support. I just get on with household chores whenever I see something needs doing - she does a bit now and then, and those times she seems to be convinced I ought to help her. Because I'm freelance/self-employed every hour during the day I spend, say, washing up and cleaning, costs us £xx, and yep* I'm in the UK*. But every *marriage counsellor* says we should share the household chores 50/50. The result is she has loads of free time and I have none, other than when we go out together or go on holiday together, which is more times than I can afford. I feel I'm being had, but if I raise it she blows a fuse and believe me it's not pretty. I feel sorry for her because she's suffered a really bad trauma in the past, so I'm soft on her but it's doing my head in and she's just getting worse. The question is when there's this imbalance, how to change it without creating a marriage-ending fight?


Those 2.... I'd drop the MC pronto.
50/50....Pipedream
Men and women are not the same. 
She seems to think nature can be changed by culture. Good luck with that.
She has loads of free time.....wow.
She's a bit of a cake eater.
Read "The Rational Male" ...Get started on changing what you can....YOU. That will help your marriage dramatically. 
Quit discussing it with her and start changing your behavior.
Women are not interested in your opinion, they are interested in action.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You married a self appointed princess and you have enabled her to believe this. If you can’t get her to pull her weight when she isn’t working and has no children then you have a lifetime of misery ahead of you if she ever has a child. 
You said that she earns a small amount “with your support”. Are you paying her?
Tell her you will be employing a housekeeper if she doesn’t start pulling her weight and whatever you pay the housekeeper will be coming from her earnings. 
You have made a rod for your own back and because you live in the uk I wouldn’t recommend ever having children, in a divorce you will pay through the nose and hardly ever see your kids.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I cannot understand how any marriage counselor would say this is fair! This is ridiculous. 

I quit my job about 25 years ago to make it easier on both my husband, our child, and me. I am a homemaker, so I take care of the home. I don't see what's so hard to understand about this. Yes, my husband cleans up after himself. I'm not the maid. But I make most of the meals, do all the shopping, clean the bathroom, do laundry, etc. He does take care of repairs, etc, but usually with my help. For example, we will be working on the deck this weekend together. We put up a fence, together. Our kids help out too.

Anyway, I don't understand the dynamic you have going on and can understand why you are frustrated.

Do you have any children?

Why doesn't she have a job if her job isn't to take care of the home?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

matador1958 said:


> But every marriage counsellor says we should share the household chores 50/50.


It's more correct to say that household contribution should be 50/50. At a simple level, the amount of hours each of you spend supporting the household should be just about the same. So if you work 8 hours a day, she should spend 8 hours a day on maintaining the household. If there are still more chores after that, then they are split 50/50. 

If she says that household chores should be 50/50, agree with her and say that financial contribution should also be 50/50. Tell her that she needs to go find a high-paying job and starting pulling her share.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

wilson said:


> It's more correct to say that household contribution should be 50/50. At a simple level, the amount of hours each of you spend supporting the household should be just about the same. So if you work 8 hours a day, she should spend 8 hours a day on maintaining the household. If there are still more chores after that, then they are split 50/50.
> 
> If she says that household chores should be 50/50, agree with her and say that financial contribution should also be 50/50. Tell her that she needs to go find a high-paying job and starting pulling her share.


For most families with young children, the woman who stays at home spends way more hours working that her husband. For couples with no children, the wife probably isn't working as hard as her husband, unless she is now helping extended family such as caring for grandchildren or aging parents. 

matador1958, I don't understand why your wife doesn't have a job. Why are you expected to do as much as she does around the house while also financially supporting her 100%. Is there something we are missing here? the reason you haven't seen this discussed here is because it's not normal. People who bring up that their stay at home spouse doesn't keep the house well or expects them to as much or more usually come here with a long list of other problems and that is on the list.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> For most families with young children, the woman who stays at home spends way more hours working that her husband. For couples with no children, the wife probably isn't working as hard as her husband, unless she is now helping extended family such as caring for grandchildren or aging parents.


Yep. Supporting family members counts as supporting the household. It's not just chores like laundry and such. If there are little ones around, they may take up 100% of the caregiver's time. In that case, the working spouse will need to make significant contributions to the household chores.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I view paid work, chores, and child care as all "jobs" and the total combined time each spends on those should be similar .

For someone working freelance,its a little more difficult to define what time is work. I had a friend who was a photographer and he thought of photography as work time - even though he didn't make any net money doing it. To his wife it looked like a hobby.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

matador1958 said:


> This must have been discussed here but I can't see it. I support the both of us financially - she earns a bit now and then, with my support. I just get on with household chores whenever I see something needs doing - she does a bit now and then, and those times she seems to be convinced I ought to help her. Because I'm freelance/self-employed every hour during the day I spend, say, washing up and cleaning, costs us £xx, and yep I'm in the UK. But every marriage counsellor says we should share the household chores 50/50. The result is she has loads of free time and I have none, other than when we go out together or go on holiday together, which is more times than I can afford. I feel I'm being had, but if I raise it she blows a fuse and believe me it's not pretty. I feel sorry for her because she's suffered a really bad trauma in the past, so I'm soft on her but it's doing my head in and she's just getting worse. The question is when there's this imbalance, how to change it without creating a marriage-ending fight?



This MC is full of ****.

My last 2 MCs that I trusted advised as a baseline to add hours worked to the hours of chores to balance it out. That’s the baseline.

Once you have equilibrium, then do what feels balanced. I like doing certain things, she likes doing certain things. So we have a pink list and a blue list. The blue list is much shorter than the pink list (I work 60+ hours a week), but the blue list is full of fun mechanical, heavy, dirty things that I actually like to do. So it all works out.

I’d dump that MC for sure.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@matador1958,

This is relatively easy. Almost everyone "feels" like they do all the work and their partner doesn't do their share--I mean we have all been there at one time or another. But even when my Dear Hubby was ill with heart failure, and I really was "doing it all" (working and doing the household chores) we agreed that he would do every single thing that he could do. Adults contribute. That's the bottom line. You are not her daddy and you are not "taking care of her"--she is an adult same as you and should contribute same as you.

Thus, I'd recommend actually writing a calendar or a list of all the "work" that has to be done, including the work that brings in finances for the entire house. Count her money exactly the same as you count your money, because all the money goes into the big pot of "paying for the household" (in other words, she doesn't just get to keep hers). Then go down the list of all the work and mark if it is YOUR resposibility or HER responsibility...and the end result should be approximately 50/50. Now, it may not be perfect--but if both of you feel like it is reasonably shared and you both agree and you're both happy, that's fine. 

For example, you work let's say 6 flexible hours each day for self-employed business...which means she needs to have roughly 6 hours of some sort of contribution TO THE HOUSEHOLD, not just to herself. She may love doing laundry (let her take that)--you love doing mowing (go ahead and take that). That leaves dusting, vacuuming, sweeping, cooking and dishes...split those up 50/50! And YEP she has to pull her weight in the relationship!


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

She sounds like a prima donna. i usually end up with the male version myself. I know from the part of your post where you mentioned the temper tantrum when you try to discuss it. 

Set your boundary. This is bull****. 

I agree with what another poster said: tell her to get a real job so you can pay a housekeeper. 
She wants to be a housewife without being a housewife. Useless, IMO.
I hope she's pretty....


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

matador1958 said:


> I feel sorry for her because she's suffered a really bad trauma in the past, so I'm soft on her but it's doing my head in and she's just getting worse. The question is when there's this imbalance, how to change it without creating a marriage-ending fight?


To me this is the key to your problem. Do not let her past trauma rule your marriage. Has she lost respect for you or was she always 'entitled'. Can the two of you talk and LISTEN? 

I'm thinking there needs to be a reboot in this marriage. You cannot live your life trying to avoid fights--your resentment will smush you into rebellion.

Why are ALL MC taking this stance? Does she have an outside job where she does not earn anything? Are children or elderly parents involved? Volunteering? What exactly does she do with 'her time'?

Seems like something may be missing in our data?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. Just no.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Marriages aren’t 50/50 but should be “even”. Meaning if you do more to contribute in one area, finances, she should do more of the household stuff. That MC is a joke!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

matador1958 said:


> This must have been discussed here but I can't see it. I support the both of us financially - she earns a bit now and then, with my support. I just get on with household chores whenever I see something needs doing - she does a bit now and then, and those times she seems to be convinced I ought to help her. Because I'm freelance/self-employed every hour during the day I spend, say, washing up and cleaning, costs us £xx, and yep I'm in the UK. But every marriage counsellor says we should share the household chores 50/50. The result is she has loads of free time and I have none, other than when we go out together or go on holiday together, which is more times than I can afford. I feel I'm being had, but if I raise it she blows a fuse and believe me it's not pretty. *I feel sorry for her because she's suffered a really bad trauma in the past, so I'm soft on her but it's doing my head in and she's just getting worse. The question is when there's this imbalance, how to change it without creating a marriage-ending fight?*


The first step is to realize conflict is necessary for personal growth. You are a crutch for her and have allowed for her to sit in a place of victimhood where she's stunted. You are contributing to this. She's not getting worse, she's just stopped growing while everyone else around her continues to grow. The gap is becoming larger and more apparent by the day so it feels like she is going backwards but it is more likely she is suspended in time while everyone else surges forward. 

There's a modest mouse line "we made ourselves a pillar, we just used it as a crutch" and that is exactly what is happening here. You are going to have to break down that pillar you have built up and place both of yourselves in a position of vulnerability. Then as a TEAM, work to build pillars of real strength in one another anew. 

I suspect she is feeling angry when you address a situation like this because its like ripping a crutch out of her hand while you still stand there firmly with both feet on the ground not nearly in the same position of vulnerability you are placing her in while you do this. You are resentful now, yet when you attempt to address the situation as you have, the resentment shifts to her side towards you in full force and you are placing her in that place alone and not going there with her.

This isn't a matter of blaming you for this mess, I hope I'm not coming across that way. Its more of a suggestion to change what you can control and to urge you to walk together through this instead of saying "here's the path I need you to walk for me now" you need to look at it as "we are walking different paths and both too scared to walk that scary looking road over there, but if we walk hand in hand together, we can overcome our fears and grow together. There's nobody else I would ever want to walk these roads with" 

Approach it from this angle and under this light. Get vulnerable yourself, then together you can overcome the obstacle you find on your solo paths you two are currently trekking away on. Overcome your fears and get back on the same path again. 

All this "marriage is 50/50" is idealistic nonsense. Its not rooted in reality and even the most successful marriages and married people here know this but sometimes forget when giving advice. They have been carried down the path by their spouse at times, while other times they carried their spouse down the path. But what made them successful is they were always on the same path. You two aren't. Thats when resentment enters.


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## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

matador1958 said:


> *The question is when there's this imbalance, how to change it without creating a marriage-ending fight?*


You can't. She's not only convinced you that a 50/50 split might be reasonable, she's rallied support from a MC to tell you she's right.



matador1958 said:


> *
> but if I raise it she blows a fuse and believe me it's not pretty.*


She's clearly willing to go nuclear to maintain this imbalance. Until she believes that you're willing to walk away, she'll continue to use that tactic to keep you in line.


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## waynejoey (Jun 8, 2018)

I've been here before, particularly when my wife was a stay at home mom. I actually found an email that I sent her 7 years ago while we were dating recently while searching for something else completely unrelated. I was appalled at how entitled I sounded. I thought I was on some pedestal because I was helping her with bills while she struggled to raise her son in a small apartment while I gallivanted around making 6 figures with no debt. I have done a lot of growing since then and I agree with the posters on here that are discussing self-improvement. 

Ok enough of the narrative, here are some quick bullets to chew on:

Being resentful because of your entitlement is a bottomless pit that will lead to nothing (or worse).

You are called to love your wife without condition, although we are wired to be conditional, making this a difficult endeavor. That doesn't mean you enable her and run yourself ragged, but be careful of labeling someone because often our opinion is skewed by the resentment.

You are within your right to discuss your feelings. Make it about you and in the moment. "I am so burnt out from working all day and this clutter in the living room is adding to my anxiety"; "I really enjoyed Saturday morning when we cleaned the house together, not only did we get things done but we got to do it together"; "I'm carrying a little resentment / frustration from the last few weeks and it was silly of me to not get it off my chest, I just feel like I'm doing so much and not getting that much of a break".

Regarding the previous point, do not try to argue your position or use logic. Women are emotional. State your feelings and let it be. If she wants to dismiss your feelings so be it, you aren't going to win a battle in the moment, it will turn into a fight.

Once you work on you and your side of the street is clean, you are within your right to ask your wife for one small thing if you feel led and compelled to make such a request. "Honey, I'm getting home late this thursday, I'll be home right at 7:00 PM, would you please make dinner and eat with me". The reason I suggest your side of the street being clean is that these requests can be shot down by a wife that is feeling neglected. Meet her emotional needs!

If keeping the street clean sounds ambiguous here is the run down of the pitfalls men fall into. I know because I lived it. Don't do it, it isn't worth it. Worshiping money, constant anger, lack of grace, abuse of alcohol / drugs, porn, looking/fantasizing about other women, being distant, not serving others, constantly putting yourself first.

Good luck to you and be patient, changing your marriage is a long road and it is a daily battle within yourself. Take joy in the small accomplishments and flee from temptation or negativity (or fight it head on being an amazing husband).


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