# So she told me that she doesn't trust me



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

On Friday, Mrs. Dr. Rockstar and I got into a big kerfluffle (can't call it a fight) because I forgot to tell her about a big event happening at our daughter's school that we really should have attending. Then she says that this is the reason she is the only responsible person in the family. Asked her bluntly if she trusted me. She said "Not right now, no." That hurt a lot, but eventually we were able to calm down.

Last night, when I thought we talk about it again without getting wound up again, I brought it up. I ask if she really doesn't trust me, and her response was to say that she felt awful about hurting my feelings like that on Friday. But that wasn't an answer to my question. I asked her if that meant that she was standing by what she said, and she said that, yes, she did.

This bothers me for two reasons:

First, to a large degree she's right. I have a terrible memory and can forget instructions seconds after I hear them. I've had some real self-esteem issues tied directly to my belief that I am untrustworthy. 

Secondly, I've feel like she's never totally trusted me. Early in our marriage I would waste money on unnecessary things and trying to hide my spending from my wife. We had a huge fight about her not being able to trust me to handle money. And for years after that, I'd have to turn my receipts over to her so she could make sure that I wasn't trying to sneak any LIttle Debbie Swiss Rolls (a vice of mine) in with the groceries. Since then, I've never felt like I've earned her complete trust back.

I believe that trust is one of those things that is foundational for a good marriage: Love, trust, respect, honesty and loyalty. And you either have it or you don't. And if you don't have even one of the things on the list, then none of the others really matter.

I understand that what you're reading here is being filtered through my perception of the events. But am I out of line in expecting my wife to trust me? Should I expect an apology out of her for saying it, or just for hurting my feelings. Should I expect my wife to trust me even when I make mistakes.

(Also, just to fend off any questions coming down the pike, we have never been unfaithful to each other, not even in an emotional affair. We have complete access each other's email and voicemail. So, as far as I can tell, the only reason she has to not trust me is because I'm bad at remembering things.)

Help!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Get yourself a diary or mark important events in your phone's calendar feature. Set reminders. Show that you're working on it!

When was this money hiding? How long ago? It sounds like it was awhile ago...

My husband omitted a few things early on in our relationship, and as a result of it, I didn't trust him, either. Every time he screws up and 'forgets' or omits, it brings me right back to square one in the trust dept. Sucks, but that's the way it is for me.

Right now, his transparency and willingness to share ALL that happens is a huge help. I no longer feel that he's sneaking around trying to hide things from me.


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## CarolynsFingers (Dec 15, 2010)

Do you think you have ADD? Some of this sounds like ADD issues. While I don't feel that this excuses forgetful careless behaviors, it does provide an explanation. It's would mean that you and her might need to make changes to the way you do things. For instance, write it down on the calendar right away!

On the otherhand, it literally takes forever (and no mishaps along the way) to regain trust. One week forward, two years back! Once you don't have someone's trust it is difficult to repair. And makes for a good crutch for a spouse in a grumpy mood. 

BUT it sounds like you have nothing but integrity. I hope she realizes that, because that counts for a lot! I appreciate your concern and integrity. 

What to do? Keep having having the conversation about trust. Realize that it goes beyond just you, part of the equation is her too. Be sure you haven't sentenced yourself to life for minor infractions a long time ago. Make sure that she hasn't sentenced you to life. Handing over receipts for years sounds like a done deal, plenty of probation  go easier on yourself!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think it's two different things to say she doesn't trust you in general, and she doesn't trust you with remembering things and with overspending.

You admit that you forget things, and you admit you were spendy. YOU don't necessarily trust yourself on those things, so I don't think you need to feel hurt that your wife is also leery of your habits in those two areas.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

If you want to be trusted, you should make sure that you are trust worthy. If you repeatedly forget things, then you are not trustworthy regarding the children's events. 

This does not mean that you are a bad person or anything, it just means that you need some type of assistance in remembering and making it a priority to keeping this up.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Trusting someone overall in marriage and being forgetful/overspending are two totally different things.

I trust my husband but I'm sure not going to send him to the grocery store. Not only would he get mostly junk but he'd spend too much. It's a running joke. He says "don't trust me huh?" I say "on this ...no I don't" as I giggle.

I'm sure there are plenty of things he wouldn't trust me to do either so it's fair.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Get yourself a diary or mark important events in your phone's calendar feature. Set reminders. Show that you're working on it!
> 
> When was this money hiding? How long ago? It sounds like it was awhile ago...


The money thing was ten years ago. She used it for a long time as a reason she had to check up on me.

Unfortunately I don't think the reminder thing would help very much. If it's something that I need to do in a few days, I can usually remember to write it down. Now it's more like me forgetting where I put something, or not answering her emails promptly. It's hard to make a list for that kind of stuff.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Have you ever tried working together on the trust issue?

For instance, first, what kind of a system can you invent to remember things such as the school event?

Next, tell her your proposed system and ask for her support while you implement it.

Third, try your hardest to make it work. Include her on the successes and mistakes, and make changes as needed.

I think you could really turn this negative into a positive with the right approach - she might be glad you are taking her opinions seriously and are taking the initiative to act on them.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Fortunately my wife, two sons and I all have ADHD. Getting sore about forgetfulness is a circular firing squad in my house. Besides we soon forget we are mad. 

Holding a grudge for an affair/addiction/abuse is justifiable. Ask her if she can walk on water. Is her name in the God's Perfect Creatures Appendix in the Bible?

There are different levels of trust. Do I trust my wife when she goes on a business trip ? Yes. Do I trust here to take a birth control pill every night ? No. Proof is my 1st born son.  She doesn't trust herself, solution Nuva Ring. 

My wife gets really mad at me if I try bringing up some fault of hers from 10 years ago. Goes ballistic if i go back 20. One day I will learn to forgive AND forget.

Sounds like your could benefit from a J Edgar Hoover style "gotcha" file on her. But then you would have to remember to add items and you would probably forget where you left it. She keeps yours in her perfect memory.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> On Friday, Mrs. Dr. Rockstar and I got into a big kerfluffle (can't call it a fight) because I forgot to tell her about a big event happening at our daughter's school that we really should have attending. Then she says that this is the reason she is the only responsible person in the family. Asked her bluntly if she trusted me. She said "Not right now, no." That hurt a lot, but eventually we were able to calm down.
> 
> Last night, when I thought we talk about it again without getting wound up again, I brought it up. I ask if she really doesn't trust me, and her response was to say that she felt awful about hurting my feelings like that on Friday. But that wasn't an answer to my question. I asked her if that meant that she was standing by what she said, and she said that, yes, she did.
> 
> ...


I agree with you about trust, respect, loyalty. I am missing a few of those & it makes him less attractive to me & less interested in staying w/ him. I think you are being very touchy about the truth. You know you have a bad memory, yet you expect her to apologize when you continue to demonstrate you can't be trusted in some ways. What is she apologizing for? 

I am in a similar situation. He really is a great guy that many women would cut their arms off to he with. But, I don't trust him with my heart or my wallet - he has bad judgement when it comes to boundaries & he loses keys, wallets, checks...I don't trust him. Should I apologize?

Be honest about your junk & apologize to HER. Smooches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

CandieGirl said:


> Get yourself a diary or mark important events in your phone's calendar feature. Set reminders. Show that you're working on it!
> 
> When was this money hiding? How long ago? It sounds like it was awhile ago...
> 
> ...


Once trust takes a hit, your relationship is never the same. Mine tells me where he is, who he is with & what they are doing constantly. While that is appreciated, what is done is done. You may not bring it up all the time, but your distrust is always there & will likely NEVER leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> The money thing was ten years ago. She used it for a long time as a reason she had to check up on me.
> 
> Unfortunately I don't think the reminder thing would help very much. If it's something thapt I need to do in a few days, I can usually remember to write it down. Now it's more like me forgetting where I put something, or not answering her emails promptly. It's hard to make a list for that kind of stuff.


Those are bad habits you can actively change. Answer the damn emails as you read them & write down where you leave things. Getting old sucks (I know too - smile). 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

StargateFan said:


> Fortunately my wife, two sons and I all have ADHD. Getting sore about forgetfulness is a circular firing squad in my house. Besides we soon forget we are mad.
> 
> Holding a grudge for an affair/addiction/abuse is justifiable. Ask her if she can walk on water. Is her name in the God's Perfect Creatures Appendix in the Bible?
> 
> ...


Tit for tat in a marriage will lead to its hastened end. Just own your stuff and DO better instead of looking for a pity party. Be an adult. That sucks too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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