# How do I teach my son to respect women/generally have integrity?



## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

:scratchheadad and I are divorcing. Dad lies: to me, his mom, anyone and about anything that makes his life smoother. Small stuff; big stuff. Omissions and direct falsifications. 

I am (er...was) completely trusting. I am still honest; though I am learning how to protect myself from him by not disclosing everything that isn't his business. 

He shows little respect for women, and I am seeing it beginning to transfer to my teen (14) son. "I keep Dad's secrets and I keep your secrets," he said recently. I wonder what secrets I have asked him to keep? None that I am aware of, but I am very concerned that the values he is adopting from his dad are not going to serve him or others well in his lifetime. 

With limited time with him and his brother, how do I dialogue with him to impress some of MY core values? Teen boys just don't talk like girls do. 

I was thinking of keeping a composition book under his pillow, that we could write back and forth to each other in. I thought he might feel less threatened if it wasn't in person. I don't know. It's just an idea. What works for you?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Be the hero you want him to look up to. Whatever the cost. Lead by example, selflessly. And tell him there's nothing he knows about you that can hurt either of you. There are no secrets.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks. Food for thought.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Be the hero you want him to look up to. Whatever the cost. Lead by example, selflessly. And tell him there's nothing he knows about you that can hurt either of you. There are no secrets.


Very good advise. Lead by example is underrated.

I wouldn't do the writing notes thing. He might pickup the passive-aggressive behaviour too much... very bad.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thank you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lectures are less convincing than personal example. Your child has watched you from day 1 and he knows who and what you are. He also knows who and what "dad" is. Reward or praise his honesty and don't tolerate dishonest behavior from him. Most importantly, let him see you consistently choose the hard "right" over obviously easy "wrongs". If you're venting about your husband to or around him, stop. If you're trying to get information about your husband from your son, stop. "I keep dad's secrets and I keep yours" suggests he has integrity and he's using it. He has apparently heard things he knows weren't intended to be repeated. Asking him to do so is asking him to violate his integrity. The best way to help him respect women is to be the sort of mom who deserves and who expects respect. Make sure you're showing respect to your mother and your MIL. Teens can spot a phony instantly. At 14, whether he "get's" your instruction may not be obvious, but apparent or not, he's watching and learning and has been since you gave birth to him. All he knows about male/female relationships, he's learned by watching you and your husband.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Not only can you lead by example, but show him how women like to be treated. Cater to his instinct to be the 'man of the house'. Talk about the core values of your heritage, if you are from the south (it looks like this is the case). 

I don't live in the south any more, but grew up there. Seems today that living there is more focused on less honorable assumptions some times, but I'm talking about the old south. My grandfather was a plantation owner, although it was mostly only a shadow of its past. Taught my son that integrity is more valuable that his career or anything he achieves. Our code is about treating others with respect. 

For instance, I always open the door for my wife, and even daughter when she became a teenager. Told him that he would be the man of the house if something happens to me. He does these things when I'm not around. My wife talks to him about how women like to be treated, but spends equal time asking him if she treats him with the respect that is appropriate for his age.

Maybe areas other than opening doors would be more appropriate though. I've been cussed out on multiple occasions for doing so where I currently live.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Model good behavior for your son. Also take those teaching moments that pop up in everyday life. For example, if you see something on t.v. about a man abusing his wife, say something. Or when you are in the car with him and you hear a song that talks about hoes, etc. you could laugh and say "you know, the song is cool, but in real life, girls would hate it if you talked to them like that". 

I would also make sure you are truthful with him but also don't involve him in adult matters. You are his mom, and he's not your confidant. Sounds like his dad is treating him like a buddy, which is not good parenting.

You sound like a great and caring mom. Just keep talking. They seem like they ignore you 95% of the time, but they pick stuff up. And love him unconditionally.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Thanks for all the great advice. Most of it, I have been doing already. Like '67 said, I do feel like he ignores it a lot, but I know he is watching all the time. I resist the urge to pump him for info, even though I just found out my stbxh is seeing someone, and I'm dying to know if my boy knows. If he doesn't, I don't want him to. The D isn't final yet, and I think that's an awful example to set.


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