# Is sensitivity a cultural thing?



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

A bit of a strange question, I know, but it stems from yet another discussion with my fiancée about what I see as lack of sensitivity on her part.

She is from the U.S., I'm from Europe. She says that I'm too ultra-polite, wordy and sensitive and often states that it's a cultural thing.

Here is a trivial example of how the "conversation" came about:
This weekend, we are planning to visit her mother for 4th of July celebrations. My fiancée has banned my dog from visiting along with us supposedly because of dog hairs (nobody is allergic, just don't like them).
I have been trying to find somebody to look after my dog, but having no success. When she called this morning, I said to her that I don't think I'll be able to come this weekend.

"OK", she said. Then there was silence. I must admit, the silence loomed large because, to be honest, I would have at least have expected her to ask why. 
Possibly even express disappointment and/or see what we could do together to resolve any issues precluding me from coming. Nothing. Just "OK".

So, of course the usual "discussion" took place where I had to feebly voice that I would have liked her to at least show me some indication that she did want me to go.
We then got the cold, logical explanations about the fact that she originally asked me to go, so why would that have changed? Why would I need her to express disappointment if I told her I can't come? It doesn't make sense. You can either come or you can't.

While that does make perfect logical sense, I feebly tried to explain that sometimes life, and interpersonal relationships, need more than cold logic. Sometimes people even say things to others to make them feel valued, wanted, etc... Sometimes they even say them twice! (a huge "no no" in her book).

Anyway, that's just a trivial example leading on from many more (and much worse) examples outlined in previous posts.

My question is, how much do you think this is about cultural differences. She likes to put it down as simply that I'm not American, and that us English are ultra-polite and sensitive.
What do you think?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It doesn't sound like cultural differences to me, more like a difference in your personality in that you show more affection than she does. I think it has more to do with how you are raised and what you are comfortable with.

My ex was from England, me from US & we were more the reverse of what you're describing.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well moving from NJ to Georgia myself, I know people in the northeast US treat their dogs, differently then people in Georgia.

People here leave their dogs outside in a kennel year round, many people here keep their dogs outside and not allowed in
the house.

Our dog is a inside dog, she is mainly inside the house, and if we were going away for a weekend I would have a neighbors kid take care of it.

But I agree you need someone to take care of the dog, unlike a cat, dogs will eat all the food you leave out for them and need to go outside to go to the bathroom.

Does your vet take care of dogs for short period of time? I know by me here in GA we have some kennels that I have used when I first moved here need to find a kennel.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i agree it's different personality styles.

she seems cold.

but then again i'm more like you.

if al else is good i'd suggest you shrug this off except it seems the issue is growing.

and so i offer one caviate: i've known women like your fiance and if you continue to as you say 'speak feebly' she will eventually start to lose respect for you.


i'm not saying you don't deserve respect or that it's even right or wrong for her to feel so, i'm just saying it very well might happen.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Saxon your still with her?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I think culture involves more than what country you came from, or how your parents raised you. Every experience in your life shapes your personality. My husband is very perceptive and reads into every single word or tone or motion I make. I just hate it, because he often misinterprets me, and I can't talk my way out of an argument. I tend to be more direct or blunt, and my husband wishes me to be more polite, but I see that as being fake. 

About the dogs, I don't care to hang around dogs, and a host always has the right to disallow pets to come to their house. Have you tried being direct with her? rather than expecting her to be ultra polite? Why is your personality better or the right way?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sensitivity has nothing to do with cultural differences. It has to do with personality and upbringing.
She may be more intellectual/ analytical where your more sensitive.
Those are just 2 different personality types. Maybe you can find the good in the differences and work with them.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

martino said:


> Saxon your still with her?


Yes. God help me, but I am. :scratchhead:

I did manage to leave a couple of weeks ago when I found her out in another long-standing lie. We have/had a mutual friend that she had always insisted to me was purely platonic. Turns out it wasn't and she had been sleeping with him. Again, before me, but she had been lying about it since day one.

It wasn't that they had - it was before me - but the fact that she lied for the entire time we have been together about it - and we all were even socialising together.

I also found out that she had been calling three exes. Not regularly, but she had been calling them. This despite me asking her a couple of weeks before if there had been any contact with old partners/boyfriends. Her reaction to that question was extreme anger and defensiveness - followed by denial that she had. To top it off, one of the calls to the exes was supposedly to discuss me!

I packed my bags and left at that point. A few days later she came to my house, said "I really messed up", "I'll regret you for ever", etc... and I caved. 

Yep, I'm that kind of idiot.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> Have you tried being direct with her? rather than expecting her to be ultra polite? Why is your personality better or the right way?


Oh yes, I've tried being direct with her. I've tried every way possible to get through to her. We've run the whole gamut: direct, indirect, analogous, calm, angry... Nothing works.

Conversation is all but impossible. Any statement I make is seen as an attack on her, any question is seen as an interrogation.

I'm not aware that I said my personality is better, or the right way, but since you brought it up, yes, I think it is.
People need some kind of affirmation. They need to be made to feel valued, considered etc...
It's one thing if a person is getting that kind of affirmation but constantly seeking more. That would be a problem, but people need _some_.

If someone I love is feeling undervalued, insecure, in fact suffering in any way, I would be doing whatever is possible to make that person feel better. I won't be questioning too much why they feel like that. The fact that they do feel like that would be enough for me. I'd like some of that consideration myself - and I don't think it's too much to ask.

Again, if I was receiving this kind of affirmation, but still constantly "whining" for more, then that would be a problem for me. If I'm not getting any - and I don't think I ever have, then I don't see myself as too demanding to be noticing the lack of it.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> and so i offer one caviate: i've known women like your fiance and if you continue to as you say 'speak feebly' she will eventually start to lose respect for you.


Oh yes, you're right. I can see that happening. I've no doubt she's losing respect for me because of that - although it's pretty difficult to tell because she would never say anything to indicate that she has much respect for me in the first place. Kinda difficult to tell when it's gone, you know? 

That's part of her defence mechanism - never say anything that's "giving" to me because that would be a sign of weakness on her part and make her vulnerable.

That puts me between a rock and a hard place. Either suffer feeling unfulfilled, or bring the subject up and risk - no guarantee - her thinking I'm "whining" and make her respect me even less.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Saxon,

Wow you must really love her! no judgement coming from me but just a comment...I would have dumped her for sure after that. 
I just don't get it, assuming you are at least of average looks, why you wouldn't find someone else I don't understand.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

martino said:


> Saxon,
> 
> Wow you must really love her! no judgement coming from me but just a comment...I would have dumped her for sure after that.
> I just don't get it, assuming you are at least of average looks, why you wouldn't find someone else I don't understand.


I wish I understood it too Martino. That is the question everybody is exasperated with me about - including me!
I did dump her when I found out about the bigger lies. Unfortunately, I caved in when she came and gave me a couple of "feeder" lines to make me feel better.

I do love her. I think in her way, she loves me too - she willingly says that she does - and the way that she comes to retrieve me when/if I leave seems to indicate that.

Of course, people are telling me that it's not so much her love for me that makes her do that, but that she can't believe she's lost control of me at those times.

I can only think that the reason I put up with so much is that my self-esteem has been destroyed so much by all this. It's not about being able to attract other mates. We're referred to as a "good-looking" couple.
Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that - when I love somebody - I only have eyes for them. It would all be so much easier if I could detach myself and just go "play elsewhere" - even as an easy way to get out of this situation. I'm just not made up like that though. For the first time in my life, I wish I was a cheater. It would be easier to be more selfish. I'm just not made like that though.
That would be the cowards way out - and cost me my principles.
At the same time I realise I'm being a coward for staying when I know that there's no hope.
It's an awful situation that I wouldn't wish on anybody. I should have run for the hills at the first signs of her hardness and non-giving nature (and there were plenty at the beginning). I didn't - and now I'm embroiled in this mess.

Maybe there's a support group somewhere for how to get out of a toxic relationship.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Saxon,

Maybe a group like: "I've chosen to stay in a toxic relationship, how to best deal with it" again no offense, but you know it's hopeless and you choose to stay.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Saxon...read my thread on being dumped. GET OUT NOW!!! 

For your peace of mind. 

I recognize the signs now ... I didn't before. Save yourself, don't continue this.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

*She likes to put it down as simply that I'm not American, and that us English are ultra-polite and sensitive.*

This sounds like a poor excuse for being insensitive and cold. There are no cultural differences as all communication comes from the heart. The warmer the heart, the warmer the tone and vice versa.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You need to start thinking about who SHE really is--you are in love with what you want her to be, hence your efforts to get her to change. She is simply unemotional and logical, and that is not a good "fit" for you. It's ok--you are just different people who really don't mesh well. 

Here's a hint for moving on: stay away from people who make you feel better about yourself--and of course, away from people who make you feel worse about yourself. Look for people to have fun with while you rebuild your self-esteem. Join clubs around your favorite hobbies, take everyone you meet as a potential friend, and broaden your circle of acquaintances. Don't worry about age or gender; old people are cool and they have younger relatives and friends, too. You will meet someone eventually who is just a blast to be with, and whose approval isn't tied to your self-esteem. And work on your self-esteem, with professional help at first. You will be SO much happier in the long run!!


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