# For all BS's...do you ever find that...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

say a year or two or three or whatever years after the A, that people in your life that know about it, not your WS but say friends/family, etc....seem uncomfortable if you bring up what happened. I find that the person I am talking to seems uncomfortable and like they want to change the subject.

I dont' get why..perhaps they want you by this point to get over it...thoughts on this? Has this happened to anybody else?

It bugs me because I do think that the attitude is why are you still talking about it..it happend two years ago get over it already....I wish it was that easy!


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

They are afraid you'd ask them why they didn't tell you anything if they knew. Cowards for life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, I meant it more that they knew about H's EA after I told them about it..they had no idea before. I just meant that if I discuss still at times feeling upset about what H did it is like they do not want to discuss. They want me to get over it..I guess.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you stayed with him, they probably feel you should have moved on since you made the choice to stay. If you divorced him, they feel it's old news. So either way, family and friends are likely tired of hearing it. After the initial conversation to tell people why I was getting a divorce, I never discussed it with them again because I knew they didn't like hearing it the first time. Talking to a therapist is better.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Happens to me all the time. I think more than anything, it hurts and
frustrates them to know that as your friend/relative,
nothing they can do or say can or will ever take the pain away.

Sure, they'd like to see that you've moved on but that's only a human
reaction to witnessing a loved one or someone who's close go through
such a traumatic event.

Simply put, they don't have the answers.

No more than people who post here do. We can only guide those who have
experienced the same pain in the right direction. When it comes to decision
making, that has to be up to the BS. The same thing goes for deciding to move on (_and I hate that term because it makes it sound so easy and effortless_). Nothing our friends or family members say can truly help us "get over it",
it's a healing process and must be done from within.

Trust me, I've gotten (and still get) those looks of shock and awe
if and when I bring up what my EWW did to me. That's only natural.

Then again, it's only natural for us BS's to vent and at times re-live the 
misery we were put through. I try to take comfort in the fact that while
many of those who are close to me may not _want_ to hear it again...
they're still willing to listen and confirm I did and am doing the right
thing moving forward.

And that's all I (and we BS's) can really do.

If you need to vent more, seek a good therapist.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I'm more simple than that. It is an uncomfortable conversation. Happens with a lot of unpleasant conversations like suicide, drug addiction, alcoholism, abuse and other shady/sad things about life they'd rather not talk about and know people they care about have gone through. 

Try to understand that while you live with that pain, they don't. They want you to be happy. That is the person they want to see. Reminding them about all this broiling under the surface and showing the pain and scars isn't how they want to see you.

Sort of like a injured animal. You want to remember and see Fido as the happy, playful dog. Seeing Fido in pain, limping along, snippy, etc. is uncomfortable and emotionally troubling. Those times Fido shows his old self again are encouraging. You just want him to go back to his former happy self. 

But with emotional pain, you can be normal most of the time... but sometimes that pain bubbles to the surface and it's difficult to see them like that when all you want to see is them happy and playful again.

Don't get bitter against these people. Chances are it is simply uncomfortable for them to see you hurt. Pretty normal reaction.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I'm more simple than that. It is an uncomfortable conversation. Happens with a lot of unpleasant conversations like suicide, drug addiction, alcoholism, abuse and other shady/sad things about life they'd rather not talk about and know people they care about have gone through." Racer

Yes, I think this is it.

Then you know who your real friends are. Ones you can talk to about anything and they will listen and not blow you off.

They are a rare breed, indeed............


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

highwood said:


> say a year or two or three or whatever years after the A, that people in your life that know about it, not your WS but say friends/family, etc....seem uncomfortable if you bring up what happened. I find that the person I am talking to seems uncomfortable and like they want to change the subject.
> 
> I dont' get why..perhaps they want you by this point to get over it...thoughts on this? Has this happened to anybody else?
> 
> It bugs me because I do think that the attitude is why are you still talking about it..it happend two years ago get over it already....I wish it was that easy!


Yes, my mother. I don't talk about it much unless it happens to somehow be in context with something else....because I know how my mom is. A few weeks ago she seemed surprised that 1.5+ years out from dday that I'm not back to trusting WS completely. However, her attitude doesn't surprise me because she's on her 4th marriage and was a WS/madhatter in her first three marriages. She's not someone I confide in much about anything as she's not someone I consider to reliable or trustworthy, not even as a parent. Oh yah, during times she's been single she's also been an AP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

TryingToRecover said:


> Yes, my mother. I don't talk about it much unless it happens to somehow be in context with something else....because I know how my mom is. A few weeks ago she seemed surprised that 1.5+ years out from dday that I'm not back to trusting WS completely. However, her attitude doesn't surprise me because she's on her 4th marriage and was a WS/madhatter in her first three marriages. She's not someone I confide in much about anything as she's not someone I consider to reliable or trustworthy, not even as a parent. Oh yah, during times she's been single she's also been an AP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Yes, I think people think well it has been 1.5/2/5 years whatever and think it is strange that you do not trust them. HOnestly I think once the trust is broken it takes more than just a few years to bring it back...if ever!


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

This is exactly why being a BS is so similar to PTSD.

Regardless of what you show/don't show, it lives with you forever.
Like it, or not.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The effect of cheating among my extended family has always poisoned the well forever.

There is never recovery. My mother's twin brother cheated and married pregnant OW. His adult children never forgave him. OK, his eldest son sort of did. BW died of cancer. Uncle and step aunt both have Alzheimer's now. The end has been horrible.

On my father's the side the same was repeated cheating uncle. Maybe he got a little bit closer to his adult kids again but basically everything was f'd. He died of a massive stroke. My cousin, a doctor, told the my uncle's doctor to turn off the heart and lung machine.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

highwood said:


> I dont' get why..perhaps they want you by this point to get over it...thoughts on this? Has this happened to anybody else?
> 
> It bugs me because I do think that the attitude is why are you still talking about it..it happend two years ago get over it already....I wish it was that easy!


See, as racer said it happens with alot of sensitive topics not just with infidelity, but infidelity is probably one of the worsts, because practically sit the person you are talking the topic with over an explosive mine, you have to understand that many times people worry to say the wrong thing that may hurt you or anger you, let me give you the 3 examples of friends of mine that were cheated.

my first friend who was cheated (when I was around 22) came to party totally wasted and confessed to us how it happened (he just found out some hours before revealing it), he was practically crying telling us how much he loved her and how she was a wh*re that didn't deserve him and that he was over with her, well it was my first time dealing with something like this (I mean with friends, my parents were divorced for my father's infidelity), I felt bad for my friend and wanted to support him and and make him feel better, so I told him how he was right how she was a wh*re and began to try to tell him all her defects and faults and how she did not deserved him, well guess what he tried reconcilation and he ended our friendship because I apparently was a bad person who thought the worst of her GF and that considered her a wh*re.

for my second friend I have already learned my lesson (at 24) it was almost exactly the same scenario, but this time my friend was the one forcing all his friends to instead of refer to her as "her name" we have to refer to her from now on as the "wh*re" I refused to do it, but other friends happily agreed, told him that while I lost all respect for her and it was wrong he had to control himself and think the things he was saying because he may want her back again (just to clarify I did tell him that she was no worth but I also told him that I would respect his decisions, so I skipped insults and name calling), well guess what, yes he tried R (failed after some months) and yes he also ended friendships with all the guys who instead of her name began to call her "the wh*re" when refering to her.

now when someone tell me about infidelity in their own cases I am very self conscious, I have practically to do a quick analysis of the situation because even speaking the truth in your own words can lead to a fight, and that leads me to the third case, his betrayal was the worst I know in real life but he also was a cheater (have skanks on the side), his wife betrayed him with his brother, since that moment he began to speak horrible about her but he really never used profanities, so in one reunion (just male friends an alcohol) he brought the topic and onother friend began the name calling saying that what kind of woman could do what she did while having toddlers (and even kind of suggested a paternity test), to make the story short the night ended in a fist fight.

and here in TAM is similar, just that is impersonal so people have no problems being confrontational, see for example rocky's case he was pretty alpha, when his wife cheated on him and he found out, he divorced immediately and began to sleep around, but when some users began the name calling for what his XW, did he got angry and confrontational with the users, he defended her a told them that they were refering to the mother of his kids that was good wife for 20+ years, I can see in real life that conversation ending pretty badly.

not all humans react the same to infidelity, so the support they seek is not always the same, so when personal convictions clash in this kind of topic, people get emotional and there is not a pattern on how to support or advice someone going trough it.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

You should feel grateful that your family is still there. Yes they don't want to talk about it with you but they will be in your life and encourage you to move on. For me my in laws were the only family I had. I lost them all. I am still friends with the brother in law but all the holiday fun is over. I have a cousin 1000 miles away I intend on moving nearby to. So I would suggest counting your blessings.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Gonnabealright said:


> You should feel grateful that your family is still there. Yes they don't want to talk about it with you but they will be in your life and encourage you to move on. *For me my in laws were the only family I had. I lost them all. I am still friends with the brother in law but all the holiday fun is over*. I have a cousin 1000 miles away I intend on moving nearby to. So I would suggest counting your blessings.



Same here.

My in laws/her family were my family.

All are gone now, except for her BIL.

Other than that, I have a sister who lives in another state and
a bunch of friends. That's it. Everything I've said to her since
has been relayed to her parents and other members of her family.

They all think I'm a bully and a monster and need to grow up and just get over it.

I recommend they all let their spouses f*ck someone else for 2 months
and tell me about how it makes them feel. 

I'm quite sure all of them would "just get over it".


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree that there are some things that are just uncomfortable for a number of reasons. I could talk about my wife's A's to some folks. I figure if I need to talk about it, I know who I can talk to it about and frankly, I would not feel comfortable talking to too many people about it.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Other than my xMIL, I still have good relations with my xWW's family. xMIL is a toxic serial adulteress. Thank god my xFIL booted her the moment he knew.


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