# My wife feels like she wants to be on her own



## Mrcatch22

Well as i have stated in earlier post. my w and I have been having problems. she said that she loves me and she has a great life but something is missing. She went to stay away for a few night to try and get her head straight. tonight was her first night back and she has been very offish with me.

I finally got her to tell me what was really wrong. The problem she is dealing with is that even though she still loves me and don't want to hurt me she just has strong feeling about wanting to do it on her own. She said the feelings are so strong it's hard to let me back in to try and change. What can we do to try and get through this or is this strong feeling she has going to keep that from happening.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How can we work through this? Help me please i don't want to lose what i got.


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## needhelphere

I don't have any experience here, but if I was in your situation, I think I would ask her what being on her own might allow her to do that she cannot do while being in a marriage. That said, I would listen very closely to what her response is to this. I would be reluctant to defend myself or the marriage at that point against whatever it is she is feeling. In other words, try not to invalidate what she is telling you. If she is willing to be honest with you, it could open the door for some good discussion and allow the two of you to get to the root of the problem.


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## Mrcatch22

We have worked through this problem before but i think it's stronger this time around. she has all the freedom in the world to do as she pleases and i guess it's still not good enough for her.


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## needhelphere

Maybe she doesn't want to have to worry about considering how you will feel about what she does. You know, like she doesn't want to have to check in, etc. The thing is, we were created for companionship, so she will most likely feel miserable being alone too. I would give her whatever it is she wants without a fight and just wait. I really do think it will sink in eventually, what she's missing.


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## AlexNY

Mrcatch22 said:


> ... she has all the freedom in the world to do as she pleases ...


There is *one thing* she does not have the freedom to do.

_That is probably what she wants to do._

There is a fair chance that she is already doing it. If so, you need to find out. Anything that is said, done, worked out, fixed, or promised while an affair is ongoing means nothing. You cannot fix anything or even understand anything until the affair ends.

Good luck.


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## Mrcatch22

Over the last month and half of going through our current problem My W and I have talked alot about our life together.I know there is know one else and I know she isn't having an affair. I think our biggest problem is communication. we are diffrent people i'm more of a dinner and a movie guy and she is more of a go out and meet new people. I think we don't do thinks together enough that we both enjoy that we start to feel like we are just doing it cause the other likes it and then we get that in our minds that she/he is only doing this cause i like it not cause she/he likes it.

my wife is a wonderful person,mother and friend. If things don't work out with us i wouldn't hate her she is the love of my life i can't hate her. she see's the good in people and she tries to help them but sometime i think she gets so involved in helping them that she looses track of us. I am to blame also because i have a hard time coping with not getting to spend much quality time with my W cause she is so involved. Right now we are dealing with her step brothers drug addiction she is trying to be there for him and spend time with him to try and prevent him from slipping up. this is almost a full time job. I have been making comments that i feel like im second best in her life right now and that he is the number one priority. She tells me that she can't help it that he can be good he just people around him to help him out. I will say that i need to be more understanding and try to be there to give him more support. I really do like him when he isn't messed up it's just hard for me to be there for him i've never had to deal with anyone that was battling an addiction. Maybe i am the reason why my W feels like she wan't to be on her own. When she isn't feeling like this she will be the first to tel you that she has a great life and she knows that she has a great husband,father, and friend. I don't Know if we are going to be able to work through it this time. She is feeling really strong about wanting to be on her own. We did talk last night and she said she will try and see if she can get these thoughts out of her head but dont' know. I want to help her either way just don't know what I can do as her H to help her through this


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## lumberjack31

A newbie here. Been checking out the sight for awhile and finally decided to chime in on the subject.
My wife said the same thing to me out the blue about a month and a half ago. She walked in after a week long business trip...I was floored. She had already made plans tp move out; simply put she said that she wanted create her own life. I mean we have some problems, but nothing major (at least I think).
Anyway, I am kind of where you are right now. Trying to communicate as much as possible.My wife has since backed off a little....but we have had lengthy discussions on finances, our future, sex, etc.
So I guess my input would be to try to continue to keep communication open, especially if you want to keep her. Won't be easy, but the things we want the most never are. Keep your head up...hopefully things will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## douglas

How old is your wife? Could it be midlife crisis? Any other noticeable changes? Has your intimacy dwindled? Could be just a phase, for which you have to be patient and sensitive in order to get through. Let me know what your thoughts are.


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## scottc

What is with these women, what happen to for better or for worse. Since when is it ok to get an itch and run out on the other person. It seems like women do this type of thing a majority of the time and it is accepted. If a man did this he is a pos. I don't get it. You made a commitment, stick to it, just picking up and leaving because you need to be on your own should have been considered before building a life around another person. It reckless and ridiculous. These women pat each other on the back.


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## can'tbelieveit

scottc said:


> These women pat each other on the back.


Uh, woman here!!! I would never pat another woman on the back for walking out on their marriage without an explanation, nor would I for not attempting to work on it. To be clear, my husband (who is a man) is the one who is having an issue.


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## michzz

I'm very cynical about these women who say they love you but want to be on their own. If I were you, I'd be wondering and checking to see if there is another man in her life.

Be suspicious.


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## needhelphere

AlexNY said:


> There is *one thing* she does not have the freedom to do.
> 
> _That is probably what she wants to do._
> 
> There is a fair chance that she is already doing it.


:iagree: Alex, my sentiments exactly. I was trying to help him think that through.


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## Mrcatch22

like i said she spends alot of time with her step brother. he has a great personality and very easy to talk to. sometimes i think maybe thats the kind of man she wants to be with. My W is 27. she goes over to her dads house where her step brother is staying and watches movies and plays video games but when i ask her to do that at home with me it's boring.....When i asked her to go out she is like to what a dinner and a movie. Like everything we use to enjoy doing is boring to her now...since we moved to texas in june i have noticed a big change in her i almost don't reconize the person she has become. since my dad came down in january. she seems to drop the kids off with him alot more to be able to run her step brother here or there....I'm not kidding on this matter i think he is the big problem. she is always running him to court,classes probation or "he needs someone to talk to. While i'm being put second best in her life and then when i try to talk to her about it i'm the jerk that don't let her do anything and gets mad when she does do it.. this is what she tells me. so i guess in away me missing my wife and wanting to be with her alittle more may have made her feel like she wants to be on her own. you asked about sex i couldn't tell you anything about that anymore. we use to 2-3 times a week but now since we have been going through this it's been only once in the last month in a half


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## turnera

needhelphere said:


> Maybe she doesn't want to have to worry about considering how you will feel about what she does. You know, like she doesn't want to have to check in, etc. The thing is, we were created for companionship, so she will most likely feel miserable being alone too. I would give her whatever it is she wants without a fight and just wait. I really do think it will sink in eventually, what she's missing.


Ok, _assuming_ she's not really having an affair (which this really sounds like)...and I still think you should look at their real relationship with some snooping.

The one thing I always asked my husband for was for him to take our daughter and go away for a weekend or a week, so I could be alone in the house. No expectations, no one wanting something from me, if I could go to the movies I didn't have to see what everyone else was doing first, or watch what THEY want, or fix what THEY want to eat, or worry whether husband is going to get mad tonight about something, or if I want to just sit and play computer games all night without him grousing about being ignored...you get the idea. I do daydream about being alone. So I kinda understand. So if that's what she's talking about, you may be able to find ways to give her that 'time off' without her leaving.

Now if it's financial she's talking about - tired of being dependent on you? - you can always find ways to work that out. It just requires communication. I wouldn't be so quick to just say 'ok, go' in that case, either.


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## HindSight

I'm 31, married, stay at home mom w/3 kids. And, I too have talked to my husband about potentially going out on my own for a while. You're question was how to try and keep her. I'll stay on track with that, but real quick note to some of the other posters: just because someone wants to spend time by themselves, does not make them a terrible person or an adulterous spouse. There are many other reasons a person feels this way.

I've done a lot of soul searching to figure out why I've wanted to leave...leave it all behind. Kids, house, security, etc... My husband IS a good man, and he IS trying. All that being said, I still sometimes want to leave. Why? I finally figured it out: I married too young. I never experienced life on my own. I went straight from my parent's care, to my husband's care. I firmly believe that if I had spent time alone to face the world, I would have had time to learn more about who I was, why I do the things I do, learn more about my passions, find hobbies, etc... But as life went: I always worked FT since I was 17. In college I worked 60 hr weeks on top of school. Then I dived right into marriage (with work), then 3 kids. I've never had TIME to see who I was. So, no other man in my sight: I wanted to know ME. And I feel like I can't do it with everything constantly buzzing around me. It's all chores, toilet scrubbing, snotty noses (bless thier little souls),....

How to keep her? How to get her to stay? You leave. Take the kids. Not in a bad way. I mean, let her have her home in peace & quiet without having to worry about everyone, listenting to the kids screaming for her, not having to be confined to 1 room in the house just to have thoughts to herself. I suggest you start taking the kids to McDonalds when you get home. Take them to train shows (or whatever) on weekends. Give your wife time alone in her own home. Also, suggest that she finds something she loves to do, and find a PT job doing it. Tell her you'll adjust your work schedule so she can have a life too.

Anyway, that's just what I wish my husband would do. Even as I type this, I've been interupted about 60 times by a 3 year old who won't let me think, and I have to start a carpool now. I never have time to do anything on my own. And that makes me want to be on my own. I don't want to give up my marraige or leave my kids...but I do need to be ME again. And it feels like the only way I can have ME, is if I leave everyone else. Don't make her leave you to be alone with herself. Take the kids to a movie every night or something. She'll fall in love with her home again.


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## turnera

Hindsight, you should print out your post and hand it to your husband.


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## Mrcatch22

Hindsight i really liked what you had to say. I have been trying to give her all the time to herself she wants right now. i have been sleeping on the couch by choice and i don't say anything when she and the kids are gone all night i just tell her " i'll see you when you get home" she is going out of her way to avoid me. last night she got off at six went right past the food and tanning place to walk in the door and tell me she was going to go tanning and get food. then she texted me and told me she was going to bring food back and then go tanning. knowing at 8 she had to go pick up her brother. didn't get home till bout 930. then tonight i got home early let her know and she took her brother to class then got back to her step moms and took the kids to walmart. i texted her to see what they were doing and she was like we are at walmart. she has to go right by the house to go to walmart but didn't even stop to see if i wanted to go with her and the kids. when she gets home she will be leaving again to go pick up her brother so i won't see her till tonight. i have only been getting to see her about 30mins a night thats it.

I'm trying to hold it together and not push her farther away but at the same time do i need to sit back and take this and hope she gets her mind straight to hold on to my family? it is very hard because everything was going great we moved to texas to start a new life she has family down here and i left all mine back in indiana. So for me it is very hard because if we do end up losing our marriage i'm and all alone with no family or friends to help me out. i would want to go back home but i can't because my kids are here so i'm pretty much stuck to deal with this on my own. You understand a little more of what i'm dealing with?


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## turnera

Honestly, mrcatch, I really think it's time you stood up for yourself. Tell her what YOU are willing to accept. There's been quite enough of what SHE is willing to accept. Take over the kids and tell her to leave if she wants space. Let her see what that really looks like. It sounds to me like she is creating a powerbase in which all she has to do is be your friend, while you continue to pay for everything. Next thing you know, she'll bring a 'friend' home.

Stop being such a wuss.


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## Mrcatch22

what a night last night. my dad who had moved down to texas so we could try and get him back on his feet tells me that he is moving back home. then my wife gets home and says she can't hurt me anymore and that she is leaving me. Weird thing is i didn't feel any pain or hurt for either one. I couldn't even shed a tear. if anything i was joking with me wife. she use to make comments that if we ever split up we would have to be friends with benefits. So i actually said that last night and we both just started laughing. It just worries me that i'm not showing any emotions maybe after a few days it will sink in.


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## HindSight

MrMatch...this is a lot worse than I thought it was. :-s I'll try not to assume that it was her idea to move to TX...because that would be very strategic on her part. 

On the one hand I'd instinctively tell you that she obviously has been spoiled by too much free time, and considering she likes assertive men: you are loosing face by allowing her this much disrespectful freedom. I'm all for personal space and being allowed to live life, but she is doing it in an unhealthy manner and your marriage is basically already gone and sounds like you both know that. Since you both can still laugh together and you're clearly a good enough lover that she wants to still have benefits after separation...I would suggest that there may be hope for a _future_ relationship that brings you _back_ together.

Whatever happened in the marraige to turn things south to begin with may need to be left behind so you both can renew who you are and then see if there is a chance of giving it another go. You certainly don't have time to work on yourself if you're always either on the job or babysitting. Neither can she. This may be TERRIBLE advice. I don't know. But they say that "you are a different person once you've done it on your own" and "climbing Mt Everest changes your life forever"...maybe you two need powerful life experiences like these before you'll be compatible again. (???) Take turns being parents, live more like "single people" and use the free time to become more of the type of people you both want to be - no divorce required. (?)

I think your love may shine through by telling her that you'll give her the separation she wants, discuss guidlines you can both live with (like: no other lovers), and then you both have goals to work on that could potentially help you both out. And, of course: consequences for breaking guidelines (this is where you'll shine like an assertive man who won't be walked on). If she feels like "doing it on her own" is the ultimate trophy of knowing she's a smart & capable person, then maybe she could have a goal of goign back to school and having her own apartment and she can invite you over for a date. If (IF) your passiveness is an issue, then maybe you could use some experiences in becoming more assertive. 

I think she could find adoration in your relationship if _all problems_ and shortcomings on both your parts are acknowledged for what they are, plans made to fix those issues, and then love and freedom used to start over to try again. There might just be a future yet. If she is game, I'd literally write down the goals, the plans and the limits, consequences (like, loss of alimony for affairs) and then put it in action. 

It just sounds like she's already walked out that door. Maybe now it's time to change focus and stop trying to keep her body present, and time to keep her *mind* in the marriage.


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## turnera

Mrcatch22 said:


> what a night last night. my dad who had moved down to texas so we could try and get him back on his feet tells me that he is moving back home. then my wife gets home and says she can't hurt me anymore and that she is leaving me. Weird thing is i didn't feel any pain or hurt for either one. I couldn't even shed a tear. if anything i was joking with me wife. she use to make comments that if we ever split up we would have to be friends with benefits. So i actually said that last night and we both just started laughing. It just worries me that i'm not showing any emotions maybe after a few days it will sink in.


Tell her she is welcome to leave, but the kids WILL stay there with you. PERIOD.

SHE is the one who wants something different. The onus is on HER to leave the family. Not you.


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## Mrcatch22

i'm not doing that to her. she is a wonderful mother and i will not put my kids in that position. we will do what we have to do to remain friends through this and try to make this as painless as possible for the kids.


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## turnera

She doesn't HAVE to leave! She's leaving because you are making it easy for her to abandon her marriage, cos it is taking a little work. 

I don't mean it's your fault she's leaving, just that since it's so easy to walk away without doing any work, and still get to keep her kids and the REST of her life (just not you), she IS.

Fight for your marriage.


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## Mrcatch22

turnera,

I understand what you are saying but it's not that i couldn't take the kids away. My W has always had more time with our kids than me. I use to work night for the first half of our marriage so it was always her and the kids. Now that i'm able to be home more with the kids (not as much as i would like to) i try to spend alot more time with the kids. I want my kids growing up to know that even though there were time that dad was working late. when he was home he took us out and had fun. I want to fight for my marriage i don't want to jus throw the last 10 years of my life away. but at the same time i'm not going to change the type of person i am. i'm a hard worker,good friend,good father and in all rights a good husban. am i perfect? know one is we all have flaws. i do need to get my life back on track and start making me happy and forget about pleasing her. I've done that my whole life and look where it has gotten me. 

The hard thing right now is that until i can get an apartment we are still living together. It's tough because you are trying to get your mind right about the seperation but at the same time you sit there and see her every night and just talk about day to day things. but in the back of your mind it's like whats the use we are still leaving each other. you can go out and have a great day feeling good working towards moving on and then when you get home that night you just start hurting cause you have something that you want more than anything and it's within reach but you still can't reach it. thats the hard thing. like i said before it's a tougher situation because i'm a family person. all my cousins were my best friends. we all hung out together and we did everything together. I'm a momma's boy i and very close to my mom and that is more because of the relationship we had as a kid growing up compared to the one i had with my father. so to go through this with no one around to help me and to talk to me and trying to do it own my own is tough. but i'm trying to look at it that if i stay down here and work through this on my own it is going to make me a stronger/better person to beable to deal with adversity better through out the rest of my life. 

The biggest thing i'm dealing with right now is hatered towards my W. We talked the other night and she told me how she was feeling like this before we moved down here but didn't want to tell me because she knew i wouldn't want to move down here.(hmm i wonder why.) she went on to say that she wanted to be close to her dad again and that she did't intend to move me down here and to just leave me it just happened...we talked more about it this morning and she said i took it wrong. how would you take it? I told her that's like me saying well since you want to be on your own i'm taking the kids and moving back home. It's selfish and hurtful to put the other through that.

I know i'm a good guy and i deserve to be happy and thats why i think i'm holding it together better this time. I have times where my heart cause's me to saything when i don't want to because i am hurting inside. hopefully in a couple weeks i'll get my own place and i can move on with my life and start being happy for me. I'm done trying to make her happy cause it only cause's me pain and heartbreak.


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## withinbrandy

It feels good to know Im a not alone with this feeling.


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## 2Daughters

Nobody wants to believe their spouse is seeing someone else,thinking about someone else or being pursued by someone else..but when you get the old "I love you but...".."I don't want to hurt you but..."..you can bet it is no different from the daily events that happen in these forums...they are very,very close to or already into someone else...sorry to be the bearer of bad news but it is what it is and until the 'cloud 9' effect disappears nothing is going to change it...nothing...so prepare yourself for when the time comes..are you going to give a second chance?..are you going to say "sorry, I've moved on"..or keep on believing it isn't real..it's your choice now.


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