# Wife is driving me crazy. Starting to get very annoyed now



## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

Hello everyone, this is my first post on TAM. Been following threads here and there, helping me work on things in my marriage for several weeks now. I decided to start posting, thought it might be helpful to get things off my chest and have some input from people. 

I love my wife to death but lately she has been driving me crazy. There are a lot of things she does and says that boggles my mind. I'm 24, she is 23. Got married 2 years ago, been together for 3 total. No kids yet. 

She is very clingy and complains when I work late. I own a car restoration shop and we are behind on getting the cars out so I've been putting extra hours in. Well, I've been trying to. My wife constantly calls me asking "when are you gonna come home!" Or threatens me with "if you come home late I'm not making dinner!" she's in med school and needs me to be at home so that I can help her study. By helping her study I mean she just wants me to be in the room with her. She says knowing that I'm right by helps her concentrate.. 
She's also been demanding sex every single day. Even when I'm tired from a long days work and I just want to relax, she will have a fit if I don't give it to her. People have asked me "how is that a problem?" Well it's a problem when I'm seriously tired and I just want to have a full day of rest! 
She calls me during work about 10x/day. Sometimes just to hear my voice. Yeah sounds sweet but not when I'm having to constantly take a phone break at work! 

I've lashed out at her and told her she's selfish and shouldn't constantly depend on me for everything. We end up in a big argument every time and sometimes she gets so angry she hits me. I haven't hit her back of course. Sometimes I wonder if she really loves if she's hitting me. But that's a whole issue altogether. She's driving me insane and I'm starting to feel resentment towards her. Then she makes me feel bad by crying and tells me she's just so stressed with med school and needs my support. What do I do? 

Thanks for any help.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> Hello everyone, this is my first post on TAM. Been following threads here and there, helping me work on things in my marriage for several weeks now. I decided to start posting, thought it might be helpful to get things off my chest and have some input from people.
> 
> I love my wife to death but lately she has been driving me crazy. There are a lot of things she does and says that boggles my mind. I'm 24, she is 23. Got married 2 years ago, been together for 3 total. No kids yet.
> 
> ...


How many hours a week are you working?

How many hours a week is she at school?

It sounds to me like some compromises are in order for both of you.

Could she come to the shop and study some days when you are working late? 

Do the two of you ever go out on dates? How many hours a week do the two of you spend in quality time together, just the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She needs to stop hitting you. You need to let her know that being hit is a deal breaker for you and you need to mean it.

If she does not stop, you need to leave this relationship.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

Thanks for your response. I'm working about 60-70 hours a week, every single day. I don't take off weekends as I can't really afford to otherwise we would be even more behind at the shop. She goes to school M-F 8-4:30.
I've thought about her coming to the shop to study, but it's not the best environment to focus on studies. She hasn't asked either so I figured she might have thought about it and decided not to. Then again I'm just assuming she's already considered it. I guess I need to ask her if she'd like to study there. 

Honestly I haven't taken her out on a date since our anniversary back in July.. We've both been so busy! We spend each evening together, but she's usually studying and I'm playing video games. We are right next to each other though. She hasn't complained or anything about our lack of dates.

As for the hitting, I've asked her multiple times why she hits me. I've told her it can't be love for me if she's hitting me. I asked her how she would feel if I hit her. She said "You're a man and stronger than me so it would be messed up!" She promises each time that she won't hit me next time she gets angry, but every time she has a fit she ends up whacking at me. She says she gets so angry she feels like she's going to explode and so her response is to hit in order to calm down. I haven't made a threat to her about ending our relationship over it, because that's not what I want to happen. During her fits she gets so out of control, it hurts to see. I just want her to calm the f down. I wish she would just stop but it's like it's a habit somehow now?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

wadenjam said:


> As for the hitting, I've asked her multiple times why she hits me. I've told her it can't be love for me if she's hitting me. I asked her how she would feel if I hit her. She said "You're a man and stronger than me so it would be messed up!" She promises each time that she won't hit me next time she gets angry, but every time she has a fit she ends up whacking at me. She says she gets so angry she feels like she's going to explode and so her response is to hit in order to calm down. I haven't made a threat to her about ending our relationship over it, because that's not what I want to happen. During her fits she gets so out of control, it hurts to see. I just want her to calm the f down. I wish she would just stop but it's like it's a habit somehow now?


It is a habit and it will get worse. Is she willing to get professional help? When you notice things are going to get out of control, simply walk away. Go take a walk or a drive. Text her and see if she has calmed down. If you can't get her to stop, call the police next time she hits you. File a formal complain. Maybe then she will get help.

Quite frankly, She sounds a bit crazy. 

Bibi


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are both trying to establish the terms of your marriage as you are starting out and not starting out well. You have to realise that a woman's needs from her husband is conversation, security, etc and she does not seem to be having her emotional needs met. She is hyper bonding with you through sex because she probably thinks that is the only way she can get through to you. You on the other hand now have 'caught' the girl so to speak and go off to be the big provider - how many men fall into this routine and end up 20 years later with a WAW. She is trying to get your attention, if you do not do something about it now one day she will stop and then you are in trouble. Remember ANGER is the emotional response when needs are not being met, she just does not know how to express it properly. I also wonder what your reaction is, I sense that you may be quite dismissive, so she keeps coming after you more intensely and the vicious cycle begins. If you are dismissing her or ignoring her then you are part of the problem.

The least you can do is sit her down and tell her
1. you love her very much
2. the reality of your job, the long hours, give her a timeframe when this is going to change or is this the life she has to look forward to?
3. That she cannot be calling you so many times a day, perhaps send a few messages, to which you will reply at lunch time
4. You will set aside so much time a week to just do something with her. (Preferably it should be 15 hours)
5. you have to be open and honest
6. you have to date your wife at least once a week
7. the hitting has to stop, NOW and she needs to learn how to communicate her needs not through screaming, hitting, shouting etc but on the other hand you have to LISTEN and follow through

8. she cannot be so dependent on you, tell her to form a study group, maybe invite other students back to your place to study for 2 hours a few times a week, it will help her and alleviate the emptiness she feels with not having you around. However, tell her it cannot be only males or individual males, must be a mixed group (avoid temptations).


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

She is trying to express something to you but she is going about it completely wrong, probably because she doesn't know how. My W and I are in our mid 20's. Shortly after we met I started a firm in a professional services field. It exploded so fast I couldn't control it. I had a whole staff and still worked 80 hours a week. My W made it extremely clear she HATED my career choice and constantly derided me for it. It got to the point I hated going home as much as I hated spending long hours at the office. What she should have said that she didn't (at that time) was that she just wanted me to spend time with her. I made a big mistake in believing that just providing for her financially was enough. 
You need to spend time with your wife. This is very important and failing to do so may have serious consequences. Life/work balance is hard to manage for the small business owner. I completely understand that but don't prioritize your work over your family. Make sure that you have clearly defined times for each. My wife does text me throughout the day but she knows I don't have huge amounts of time to chat. While I'm spending time with her, I'm paying attention to her, not work. Again, I speak from experience on this one. 
You and your wife also need to Work On communication. Hitting is never acceptable regardless of who does it. It needs to start with her telling you how she feels. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> Thanks for your response. I'm working about 60-70 hours a week, every single day. I don't take off weekends as I can't really afford to otherwise we would be even more behind at the shop. She goes to school M-F 8-4:30.


How long has she been in medical school?

It’s almost impossible to maintain a healthy relationship with the work hours you have and her school/study hours. Neither of you are putting the quality time in together that is required to maintain a relationship. It takes about 15 hours a week on quality time together to maintain a healthy relationship, passion, etc. That’s about 2 hours a night during the weeks and a few hours each day on Sat & Sun. Being in the same room doing different things is not quality time.

Get the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. It would really help the two of you to read them together and work through them.



wadenjam said:


> I've thought about her coming to the shop to study, but it's not the best environment to focus on studies. She hasn't asked either so I figured she might have thought about it and decided not to. Then again I'm just assuming she's already considered it. I guess I need to ask her if she'd like to study there.


Communication is the key for maintain a relationship. Talk to her.



wadenjam said:


> Honestly I haven't taken her out on a date since our anniversary back in July.. We've both been so busy! We spend each evening together, but she's usually studying and I'm playing video games. We are right next to each other though. She hasn't complained or anything about our lack of dates.


Like I said above… this is not going to work out well.



wadenjam said:


> As for the hitting, I've asked her multiple times why she hits me. I've told her it can't be love for me if she's hitting me. I asked her how she would feel if I hit her. She said "You're a man and stronger than me so it would be messed up!" She promises each time that she won't hit me next time she gets angry, but every time she has a fit she ends up whacking at me. She says she gets so angry she feels like she's going to explode and so her response is to hit in order to calm down. I haven't made a threat to her about ending our relationship over it, because that's not what I want to happen. During her fits she gets so out of control, it hurts to see. I just want her to calm the f down. I wish she would just stop but it's like it's a habit somehow now?


There should be free or low cost counseling at her school. I think that the two of you need to go to the counseling because of the hitting. She’s wrong that it’s ok for her to hit you. She’s physically abusive. Over time it will escalate. With women who are physically abusive it usually escalates to the of weapons (not guns usually).. objects, kives, etc. I know of one woman who accidently killed her husband by hitting him the head with a land-line phone. It started out just like your wife. Another woman I now of pulled a butcher knife on her husband while he was carrying their baby girl. Another pulled a gun many times on her husband and children. When it was not a gun , she pulled a knife.

All of these women started out just hitting like your wife.

What often happens is that it get to the point where she really loses it. So then the guy feels that he has to restrain her. So he does and accidently bruises her. She then calls the police and files charges against him .. when she was the one out of control.

One thing that might help to get her attention is to get a hidden camera and video her losing it and hitting you. Back up the video so that you have it safe. Then show it to her. Let her see what she looks like. It will probably shock her. Plus if you can get into counseling you can show it to the counselor. She will most likely down play the abuse to any counselor.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

wadenjam said:


> She's also been demanding sex every single day.


Sorry. This distracted me. What was your question again?


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

When she hits you, has she been drinking or is she sober?

You are both young in age and in your relationship - you need to start setting boundaries. Not just for her, but for you. Commit to yourself that you're not going to work past a certain hour (and don't compensate by going in earlier). Or perhaps work slightly longer hours during the week so that you can have one day off to spend with her. Do you have deadlines or something that you have to meet? If so, explain that to her, and tell her that afterwards you won't be working so late. Next time make more realistic deadlines so your customers can have their expectations met and you aren't killing yourself to get things done.

For her, first you need to tell her that hitting you is a BIG problem - my wife has done that and said the exact same thing (I'm a guy and much stronger so it wouldn't be right, she's not trying to hurt me, etc.) but in my situation it has only been when she's really drunk, so we go after the problem, not the symptom. In reality she is not able to hurt me, but the fact that she is trying to do so is troubling. Second, you need her to express her feelings in a way that is not so destructive to the relationship, with the goal of improving the situation.

You should also try to see things from her point of view - she's in school, and in her mind she NEVER sees you, mainly because you're also gone on the weekends. She married this guy and she loves him, but all he does is disappear and tell her to stop calling him. He works 10-11 hours a day, 7 days a week. She feels like you're hurting HER, so she tries to hurt you back, any way she can, even physically. Whether or not you feel like you're hurting her, you should acknowledge her feelings and do something about them.

Was she cheated on in previous relationships, to be so clingy? If she really calls you 10x per day, it's excessive. So you compromise - Do something on which you can both agree, such as you set aside time to speak to her twice a day, and she cannot call you other times unless it's an emergency. You'll be home at the same time every night.

Also, if you weren't so tired would you be up for daily sex? Or do you still think that's too much? As others have said, she might be using that as a quick replacement for emotional intimacy, and if you meet her other needs, then she might slow down sexually. Or maybe she just has a high libido.

How much longer will she be in med school? Is she planning to be an MD? Trust me, you'll miss her when she's the one gone all the time doing her residency, so it's time to build a strong foundation now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If this is the way she behaves in med school, what in the hell is she going to do when in residency? Maybe medicine is not her field. Ask her if she can take something to calm the fvck down because the next time she hits you, you're calling the police.

P.S. She sounds like a big baby.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> If this is the way she behaves in med school, what in the hell is she going to do when in residency? Maybe medicine is not her field. Ask her if she can take something to calm the fvck down because the next time she hits you, you're calling the police.
> 
> P.S. She sounds like a big baby.


I don't even want to think what will happen when she has kids, and the stress of work. . . Eek!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

wadenjam said:


> *She's also been demanding sex every single day. Even when I'm tired from a long days work and I just want to relax, she will have a fit if I don't give it to her.* People have asked me "how is that a problem?" Well it's a problem when I'm seriously tired and I just want to have a full day of rest!





Bibi1031 said:


> *Quite frankly, She sounds a bit crazy.
> *


It seems it's always the crazy ones who can't get enough sex ... .. I have this book on libido types, they speak of 10 different types..

 When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life

Sounds she has a "*Dependent*" libido... having sex relaxes her, she needs it OFTEN.... where as you are the opposite.. too much stress & you can't get into it...more a "*Stressed*" libido type..



> *wadenjam said :* *I'm working about 60-70 hours a week, every single day. I don't take off weekends as I can't really afford to otherwise we would be even more behind at the shop. She goes to school M-F 8-4:30.*
> I've thought about her coming to the shop to study, but it's not the best environment to focus on studies.


 You both have TOO MUCH on your plate, well sounds you more so -near 70 hrs a week!! .







... she is very frustrated, and acting out with aggression towards you..(Not saying this is acceptable, of course not)... something needs to give... obviously.. you & she can't go on like this... you are completely drained by the end of the day....she is feeling neglected.. 

It's one thing to know this is a temporary thing.. but it can be very hard on someone -when it seems there is no end in sight.. everyone needs a break from the rat race... to catch their breath, and connect deeply.. so many hours a week -having some quality "one on one" time .. 

She sounds like she needs some Anger management on her end..


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I'm not going to sugar coat what I'm about to say....

Ladies, if the genders were reversed, we would be giving the op numbers to domestic violence centers....lets get real people...
DUDE GET OUT NOW!!!

This person is not marriage material and abusive. I see too many men thinking it is "cute" when the woman hits and demands sex and is threatening.

Let's remember that abuse is abuse.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

Bibi1031 said:


> It is a habit and it will get worse. Is she willing to get professional help? When you notice things are going to get out of control, simply walk away. Go take a walk or a drive. Text her and see if she has calmed down. If you can't get her to stop, call the police next time she hits you. File a formal complain. Maybe then she will get help.
> 
> Quite frankly, She sounds a bit crazy.
> 
> Bibi


She is probably a bit crazy. She says she has no time to see a therapist but has said she should see one. She hasn't set up an appointment or anything before, so she's not really acting on it unfortunately. I think she may be embarrassed since she told me not to tell anyone she's thought about seeing one. 
I've tried to walk away and she will not let me. She will get in my face so that I can "settle things right now" (her words). I have called the police once before and hung up in the midst of the call when she was on her knees begging me to hang up. She broke down and cried for a while in my lap. I think she has some serious issues. Hormonal imbalance maybe?


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

aine said:


> You are both trying to establish the terms of your marriage as you are starting out and not starting out well. You have to realise that a woman's needs from her husband is conversation, security, etc and she does not seem to be having her emotional needs met. She is hyper bonding with you through sex because she probably thinks that is the only way she can get through to you. You on the other hand now have 'caught' the girl so to speak and go off to be the big provider - how many men fall into this routine and end up 20 years later with a WAW. She is trying to get your attention, if you do not do something about it now one day she will stop and then you are in trouble. Remember ANGER is the emotional response when needs are not being met, she just does not know how to express it properly. I also wonder what your reaction is, I sense that you may be quite dismissive, so she keeps coming after you more intensely and the vicious cycle begins. If you are dismissing her or ignoring her then you are part of the problem.
> 
> The least you can do is sit her down and tell her
> 1. you love her very much
> ...


Thanks for those suggestions aine. We have some time management issues to work through first. I don't see how I can lessen my hours by much right now but maybe even a couple hours might make a difference. Sunday maybe I can make that deduction. 

I just don't understand why she feels she's not getting love from me because I tell her I love her about 20x/day? Every phone conversation with her each day we share "I love you"s and every morning and night. We even tell each other "I miss you" everyday. 
I don't think I'm dismissing her. She has told me though that I ignore her sometimes when I'm playing my video game.. But that's because I'm playing my game! When she's studying she's ignoring me, right? I feel it's the same thing. I bring up that argument whenever she tells me I'm ignoring her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

wadenjam said:


> As for the hitting, I've asked her multiple times why she hits me. I've told her it can't be love for me if she's hitting me. I asked her how she would feel if I hit her. She said "You're a man and stronger than me so it would be messed up!" She promises each time that she won't hit me next time she gets angry, but every time she has a fit she ends up whacking at me.


 Then what you do is the next time she hits you, call her family and tell them to come and get her at the house or apt where ever you live or they can pick her up at the police station after you press charges.

She doesn't have the right to hit you and as long as you let her get away with it the more it will happen. Throw her ass out and tell her to get help before you accept her back. Do not put up with it. She developed a bad habit that needs to be broke and if it means that she gets hauled in by the cops then so be it. 

And if she does it again get a restraining order so she can't come back. We have another one that thinks there's a unwritten rule that a woman can hit a guy and think it's OK to do.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

6301 said:


> Then what you do is the next time she hits you, call her family and tell them to come and get her at the house or apt where ever you live or they can pick her up at the police station after you press charges.
> 
> She doesn't have the right to hit you and as long as you let her get away with it the more it will happen. Throw her ass out and tell her to get help before you accept her back. Do not put up with it. She developed a bad habit that needs to be broke and if it means that she gets hauled in by the cops then so be it.
> 
> And if she does it again get a restraining order so she can't come back. We have another one that thinks there's a unwritten rule that a woman can hit a guy and think it's OK to do.


I completely agree with this poster. You are going to need serious help to get rid of this habit she has. Call the cops, file a police report. She needs to get help, even if it's by force. No more Mr. Nice guy. It is abuse! I know you love her, but you did marry a crazy one dude. Help her clean up her act before babies come into the mix.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

thebirdman said:


> She is trying to express something to you but she is going about it completely wrong, probably because she doesn't know how. My W and I are in our mid 20's. Shortly after we met I started a firm in a professional services field. It exploded so fast I couldn't control it. I had a whole staff and still worked 80 hours a week. My W made it extremely clear she HATED my career choice and constantly derided me for it. It got to the point I hated going home as much as I hated spending long hours at the office. What she should have said that she didn't (at that time) was that she just wanted me to spend time with her. I made a big mistake in believing that just providing for her financially was enough.
> You need to spend time with your wife. This is very important and failing to do so may have serious consequences. Life/work balance is hard to manage for the small business owner. I completely understand that but don't prioritize your work over your family. Make sure that you have clearly defined times for each. My wife does text me throughout the day but she knows I don't have huge amounts of time to chat. While I'm spending time with her, I'm paying attention to her, not work. Again, I speak from experience on this one.
> You and your wife also need to Work On communication. Hitting is never acceptable regardless of who does it. It needs to start with her telling you how she feels.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I see we have a bit in common. 
I'm trying to think of ways to lower my work hours. Right now is just not the best time. I'm so stressed with work and now I'm stressed with my wife. I just feel like I'm in a trap. At work I try to stay focused and then I have to stop my work and answer my wife's calls and listen to her complaints towards the end of the day when she tries to guilt me into coming home. Then I'm worrying about the inevitable fight and what am I going to say to calm her down this time, etc etc. I wish my wife could just tone it down a bit. I've asked her so many times to not call me as much at work but she won't stop. I've tried turning off my phone but then she just calls the shop business phone, and I can't turn _that_ off. And if the shop phone is busy then she calls my MIL or FIL. Seriously.

I tell her I love her and miss her multiple times day. I thought words meant a lot to a woman. Those are the most thoughtful words!


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your advice. 

Seppuku, I can't work slightly longer days during the week because she begs me to come home. I've told her so many times that if I worked longer days during the week then I can have a day or two off. She's not having it. She cannot handle me working late. I can't compromise with her on this. I also can't get her to stop calling me as I mentioned above that she will call other people to get a hold of me. 

She has never been cheated on before. But she's suspicious of me all the time, even though I'm not doing anything that would be suspicious..It's all in her head. She checks my phone whenever she wants and goes through our internet history. I let her go through anything she wants because I have nothing to hide. But she still checks up on me. I've never cheated on her and I would never cheat on her. There aren't any females at work. My receptionist is my friend's brother. I don't drink. I don't party. I don't do anything that she should be suspicious of!
She also accuses me of looking at other women when we're a store or restaurant. And I seriously and honestly NEVER check out any women (when I'm with her) because I know it will make her mad yet she still accuses me of looking. So she's just doing it to do it. 
I would be up for daily sex yes. It's the tiredness that is the problem. I think she's had an extremely high libido since we were dating. She used to want sex 6 or 7 times a night when we were dating. 
She's in her first year of med school. She wants to be a neurologist. I haven't thought too much into the future about residency and all that but that is something I should think about. I know it's really important to start making a change now.


SimplyAmorous, I should look up that book, thank you. I feel like those libidos you described sound right. I agree we have too much on our plates. Her school hours definitely can't change so I will have to find a way to lower my hours. I have a few ideas to think over. 

6301, that all sounds great in my head.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

You cannot fix her. You are stressed from never having a day off because you arrange your hours to her liking. I have no idea how you tolerate 10 calls per day. You need some counseling to see why you are putting up with the controlling loon.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

She is very intelligent, believe me. Medicine is her passion. She's in her first year of med school. And she doesn't take any medications because she knows the side effects of different meds and she doesn't want to deal with anything like that. She'd rather not take anything unless she actually needed it (and she doesn't think she needs it).

I actually did think that we were spending quality time together each evening. We are sitting almost right next to each other with legs touching. I will look at her time to time and tell her I love her. She'll talk to me about things here and there while I listen. I felt that was quality time. Some nights she'll say I'm ignoring her when I'm playing my game, but I bring up the argument that when she's studying she's ignoring me too so it's the same thing. This happens about once or twice a week.

I'm thinking maybe I could try to fit in a movie night soon. I don't know if she will go for it since she's always busy studying and when she's doing something that's not studying she feels guilty! I realized that's one reason why we haven't gone out on a date in a while. She really hasn't complained about our lack of dates.

I'll try reading those “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” books. I hope we can find the time to read them together.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> ... I can't work slightly longer days during the week because she begs me to come home. I've told her so many times that if I worked longer days during the week then I can have a day or two off. She's not having it. She cannot handle me working late. I can't compromise with her on this.


So she says "jump" and you say "how high?". Sad. Your catering to your wife's massive insecurity or some mental disorder. You do her no favors by working YOUR business around her infantile demands.



wadenjam said:


> ... she's suspicious of me all the time, even though I'm not doing anything that would be suspicious..It's all in her head. She checks my phone whenever she wants and goes through our internet history.
> 
> She also accuses me of looking at other women when we're a store or restaurant. And I seriously and honestly NEVER check out any women (when I'm with her) because I know it will make her mad yet she still accuses me of looking.


Why are you putting up with this sh!t? Seriously. Because from what you're posting, something is telling this thread may be bogus. I don't know of any man who would put up with an overly-demanding, infantile b!tch like your wife.



wadenjam said:


> I would be up for daily sex yes. It's the tiredness that is the problem. I think she's had an extremely high libido since we were dating. She used to want sex 6 or 7 times a night when we were dating.


Maybe she's bipolar and having manic episodes more often than depressive episodes. But, like I said, something suddenly has my antennae up and considering this post a bit over the top. 

You're willing to jump through hoops to accommodate what sounds like a paranoid shrew. I could be wrong, but something sounds a little less than real here ....


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You know what? Your fault! You created this monster by rolling over and playing dead for her. She want's to be a neurologist? She needs one and a few others and the way you going about it by letting her get away with it then look in the mirror and see whose at fault.

Look friend. Time you swing the hammer and put her in line. If she won't listen then give her back to her family gift wrapped. Unless you and only you stop getting pushed to the limits and draw a line in the sand and if she continues, then find a lawyer and have her served. Maybe then she'll see she went to far. Your the only one that can do something about it. Give her some boundaries because she doesn't have any. Old saying. $h!t or get off the pot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> She is probably a bit crazy. She says she has no time to see a therapist but has said she should see one. She hasn't set up an appointment or anything before, so she's not really acting on it unfortunately. I think she may be embarrassed since she told me not to tell anyone she's thought about seeing one.
> I've tried to walk away and she will not let me. She will get in my face so that I can "settle things right now" (her words). I have called the police once before and hung up in the midst of the call when she was on her knees begging me to hang up. She broke down and cried for a while in my lap. I think she has some serious issues. *Hormonal imbalance maybe*?


Let's not go there and blame hormonal imbalance for a woman's bad behavior. I thought that we were over that decades ago.

She behaves the way she does because she is an abuser. What you describe is exactly the way abusers act. Abuse is all about control. 

What you are seeing is the cycle of abuse.

Envision Counselling & Support Centre Inc. 

She will be nice for a while. Then tension starts to build. Then she blows up, hits you, etc. Then when she applogizes, cries, etc etc.

You see if an abuser is abusive 100% of the time, then their victim will leave them immediately. So they use a cycle that is a mixture of being very good, remorseful, etc.. and through is abuse from time to time.

There is a good book that is written for female victims of abuse. But if you read it and substitute the genders, you will see your wife in it. "Why Does He Do That".

Call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233. 

You need to get help because you clearly are in over your head.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> She's in her first year of med school. She wants to be a neurologist. I haven't thought too much into the future about residency and all that but that is something I should think about. I know it's really important to start making a change now.





wadenjam said:


> SimplyAmorous, I should look up that book, thank you. I feel like those libidos you described sound right. I agree we have too much on our plates. Her school hours definitely can't change so I will have to find a way to lower my hours. I have a few ideas to think over.


It’s 100% normal for a young men and women to want sex every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. There is nothing wrong with it. It’s insulting to say that a woman who wants sex daily is crazy. Would anyone say that a man who wants sex daily is crazy? Nope, they would just say that he has a normal libido.

It’s also normal for a person who is over worked as you are not be too tired to not want sex daily. The fact that at your age you don’t want sex very often is an indicator that there is a problem, you say that it’s because you are exhausted from over work. Makes sense. If you were not over worked, at your age, I’d say that you need to see a doctor to find out why your libido is low.

Much of the problem in your relationship is that the two of you are committed to very demanding work/school. Then on top of that your wife is emotionally & physically abusive. I see her calling you 10 times a day and the way she wants you home while she studies as part of the control aspect of abuse. 

It’s not abusive to want to spend time with her spouse. It’s the way she’s going about this.

I was married to a guy in medical school. He never went to school from 8-4:30. It was round the clock. But that said, few marriage survive medical school. The divorce rate is like 98%. The first year of medical school is a bit more lenient, but after that its 36 hour shifts with interning. In residency 36 hour shifts are normal too.

I also doubt that your wife will make it through medical school/residency, much less as a neurosurgeon based on your description of her behavior and mental state. She does not have the calm and control needed for neurosurgery. Now she might mature with time. But if she’s showing this side of herself in school, she’ll never make it into a residency. She will most likely lose it in the first few years of medical school.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

wadenjam said:


> I actually did think that we were spending quality time together each evening. We are sitting almost right next to each other with legs touching. I will look at her time to time and tell her I love her. She'll talk to me about things here and there while I listen. I felt that was quality time. Some nights she'll say I'm ignoring her when I'm playing my game, but I bring up the argument that when she's studying she's ignoring me too so it's the same thing. This happens about once or twice a week.
> 
> I'm thinking maybe I could try to fit in a movie night soon. I don't know if she will go for it since she's always busy studying and when she's doing something that's not studying she feels guilty! I realized that's one reason why we haven't gone out on a date in a while. She really hasn't complained about our lack of dates.


My DH and I used to spend time together like that. I would study, he'd play games. Many times I would even play games with him. He felt the same way you do, he thought it was time spent together. It wasn't for me. Quality time for me required us interacting, doing the same thing and no one else being involved. So even if we were gaming together, we might've been doing the same thing, but we weren't alone (MMO). Even a movie is better as we're doing the same thing and it's just us.

As for scheduling, it needs to be at least a once a week thing. To avoid guilt etc, there should be an agreement that you both stick to having Friday night (just an example) together, doing something *together* you both enjoy. Cooking together, watching a movie, drinking a glass of wine and playing chess, whatever you like. You both should schedule around this time accordingly.

If you don't put the time into your marriage like you do your job, one day your marriage will go down the toilet just like your business would. Find a better balance.

As for the hitting, follow the advice here because it will definitely get worse unless you draw that line in the sand. Separate if you have to. There should be zero tolerance of physical abuse.

As for her calling you at work; why on earth are you pandering to this? Stop taking personal calls at work. Take some responsibility. If you had an employee who was constantly walking off the job to take personal calls, would you blame him/her or blame the person calling? You'd blame the employee of course.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

wadenjam said:


> I tell her I love her and miss her multiple times day. I thought words meant a lot to a woman. Those are the most thoughtful words!


Words don't necessarily mean anything to her. It's not really a characteristic of women in general as it is determined on an individual basis. Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"? Great book if you haven't. I am a big "words of affirmation" person. My W, on the other hand, is big on quality time and physical touch. Words do almost nothing for her in terms of making sure her emotional needs are being met.

Be careful though. Some of your wife's behavior is disconcerting. I can't say to what extent because during "the dark ages" I thought my W was bat s**t crazy. She wasn't,but she did not know how to appropriately express herself and it just kind of came out in little explosions. 
I would highly recommend some good marriage counseling. It would help both of you get some perspective and could contribute very positively to your marriage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think you two are compatible. She sounds very intense, and you seem pretty mellow. 

She is high maintenance. With a different kind of guy, that would be okay. I am not sure the hitting, if it is a cry for attention, would continue. And being alone for a few years would be helpful for her to focus on her studies.

Great work on getting your business going! That is fabulous. It is always a joy to have work we love. 

I think with a lower maintenance wife, you would find yourself feeling much happier and rewarded for your efforts. 

Again, just a mismatch here, imo, in different areas.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> So she says "jump" and you say "how high?". Sad. Your catering to your wife's massive insecurity or some mental disorder. You do her no favors by working YOUR business around her infantile demands.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for the judgment.
She is not bipolar. 
Why have I put up with this? Because other than this negative stuff I'm very happy with her. We have everything in common except for these things I mentioned here. She doesn't use violence all the time. She isn't paranoid all the time. I've accepted those and her clinginess as her only faults. She cooks and cleans. We have the best sex. She's smoking hot, most perfect body and face I've seen. 

It was only recently that she started to become more intense. 
I guess bottom line is she needs to make time to see a therapist.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

thebirdman said:


> Words don't necessarily mean anything to her. It's not really a characteristic of women in general as it is determined on an individual basis. Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts"? Great book if you haven't. I am a big "words of affirmation" person. My W, on the other hand, is big on quality time and physical touch. Words do almost nothing for her in terms of making sure her emotional needs are being met.
> 
> Be careful though. Some of your wife's behavior is disconcerting. I can't say to what extent because during "the dark ages" I thought my W was bat s**t crazy. She wasn't,but she did not know how to appropriately express herself and it just kind of came out in little explosions.
> I would highly recommend some good marriage counseling. It would help both of you get some perspective and could contribute very positively to your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, man. I appreciate your help.
I feel like we are in our "dark ages". School has definitely taken a toll on my wife. I feel like we are secure enough to hire a new guy and that should help with the business and hopefully lessen my hours. 
I've never thought about marriage counseling, but maybe I should look into it. I started this thread not thinking my situation was that serious but based on the feedback I've gotten, I see now we both have major issues.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

wadenjam said:


> It was only recently that she started to become more intense.
> I guess bottom line is she needs to make time to see a therapist.


I agree.

Seeking outside help for her abuse should not be discarded though. You love her, but that's not going to stop her. The police and family knowing should help because she will be ashamed of herself for losing control the way she has. No excuse for that. If it were you, your behind would be in jail and the whole family would know by now. 

She may be beautiful and intelligent, but dang it there is just no one 100% perfect! I hope she gets professional help or she will loose you eventually.

Bibi


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It’s 100% normal for a young men and women to want sex every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. There is nothing wrong with it. It’s insulting to say that a woman who wants sex daily is crazy. Would anyone say that a man who wants sex daily is crazy? Nope, they would just say that he has a normal libido.
> 
> It’s also normal for a person who is over worked as you are not be too tired to not want sex daily. The fact that at your age you don’t want sex very often is an indicator that there is a problem, you say that it’s because you are exhausted from over work. Makes sense. If you were not over worked, at your age, I’d say that you need to see a doctor to find out why your libido is low.
> 
> ...


Thanks, you've given me a lot to think about. It's disturbing to see that divorce rate. We were both in college when we met and we thought about waiting till she was done with school to get married but we knew it would be such a long time, we just went ahead and did it. 

When she's not "acting crazy" she is a very calm person. Her voice and touch are so gentle. People can't believe that she has a dark side. She is extremely intelligent and she could help a lot of people in the future so I know being a doctor is her purpose. She definitely needs to mature. She was spoiled, pampered, and overprotected by her parents growing up, I feel like maybe those are factors in this as well.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Let's not go there and blame hormonal imbalance for a woman's bad behavior. I thought that we were over that decades ago.
> 
> She behaves the way she does because she is an abuser. What you describe is exactly the way abusers act. Abuse is all about control.
> 
> ...


So let's say she's an abuser. So that makes me an enabler? I'm enabler because I don't give her major threats like divorce or calling the police to take her away? 
You say I need help, what kind of help do you suggest I get? Do you mean I need to see a therapist myself?


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

My wife will usually let me know straight out what's bothering her about things that I do or say that hurts her feelings. But there are times (doesn't happen very often but does happen) when I say I'm sorry and she doesn't just accept it and move on. She will hold a grudge and stay mad and say something like "I wish I didn't have to tell you". Then she might ask "Why are like that?" And say something mean like "Maybe we just aren't compatible". Then later she will apologize, say she didn't mean what she said, that she loves me forever, and that we are soulmates. It also makes me feel a little terrible that I'm not meeting her needs naturally. If that makes sense. 

I'm not a jealous person. I rarely ever get jealous. This bothers her. She will say things to try to make me jealous like a guy at school asked for her number or some guy hit on her. This isn't a huge problem for us but I just wanted to put it out there.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

wadenjam said:


> My wife will usually let me know straight out what's bothering her about things that I do or say that hurts her feelings. But there are times (doesn't happen very often but does happen) when I say I'm sorry and she doesn't just accept it and move on. She will hold a grudge and stay mad and say something like "I wish I didn't have to tell you". Then she might ask "Why are like that?" And say something mean like "Maybe we just aren't compatible". Then later she will apologize, say she didn't mean what she said, that she loves me forever, and that we are soulmates. It also makes me feel a little terrible that I'm not meeting her needs naturally. If that makes sense.
> 
> I'm not a jealous person. I rarely ever get jealous. This bothers her. She will say things to try to make me jealous like a guy at school asked for her number or some guy hit on her. This isn't a huge problem for us but I just wanted to put it out there.


She is definitely controlling, she is showing signs of being an abuser. I would suggest that you get help in IC to find out why you accept this treatment.


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## Coachme (Sep 9, 2015)

Hi. I can see that you really love your wife, your actions show your commitment to her. And her actions show the same, she obviously really loves you too. You are a very lucky man to have the challenge of fulfilling an intelligent woman who thrives on your love and connection.
When someone asks for something, eg for help, reassurance etc. and they don’t get it. Their requests become louder. In your case your wife becomes angry and sometimes hits you. I am not condoning her behaviour, but it seems to me that she is asking for something from you that you are not giving her, and the more she asks the more frustrated she gets when it doesn’t come forth. Now that does not mean that she makes her request obvious, which I think might be the case here.
What is the deeper request that she is asking you for (outside of time and attention). Is it possible that she is seeking significance? Do you make her feel important every day? Do you say things like “you mean everything to me”, “you are the most important thing in my life”, “I adore you”, “I love how smart and intelligent you are”? 
As a suggestion, I think it would be enough to change the dynamics of your relationship to do something every day to show her how important she is to you. Now I know you are time poor, but you could ring her from work with nothing else to say but that you are thinking of her and are so glad she is part of your life, for example. Or every morning you could say something to her about what she means to you on your way out to work. Or leave her a message in the fridge etc. You could try this for two weeks and see what happens. The idea is to build her self-esteem and confidence in your relationship and in herself and her own abilities.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> So let's say she's an abuser. So that makes me an enabler? I'm enabler because I don't give her major threats like divorce or calling the police to take her away?
> You say I need help, what kind of help do you suggest I get? Do you mean I need to see a therapist myself?


Yes you are an enabler. All victims of abuse are; I say that as an ex victim of abuse. Now that does not mean that the victim is responsible for the abuser’s abusing them. It does not mean that they make the abuser act like that. It just means that the victim could have left at any time, instead of continuing to tolerate the abuse. They could just walk out the door and never come back. But they don’t… not until they realize that they have that power.

What I’m struggling with is that it’s unethical to suggest that anyone stay with a spouse/partner who is physically abusing them. But you seem to want to try something to save your marriage. I get that. You love her.
So if you are going to do this, get into counseling, get a plan and get a support system. I gave you the phone number for the national domestic violence hotline. Call them to find a place near you where you can get counseling. OR use the counseling services at her school. She has to go to counseling too. If you two do it as a team, you might be able to get beyond this. If she refuses to go, you need to go on your own because you need help with this. (I know, you are busy and it’s hard to find the time. I know. Been there.)

There are also some very good books on the topic of abuse. You both might benefit from reading them.

In addition to the counseling, the following is something that actually worked for me. But I suggest that if you do it, you two still need to get counseling. 

There is something that I did that worked to stop most of the physical abuse with my ex. It’s a method that I learned in counseling and reading books on the topic. What I did was to come up with a safe word: “STOP”. When we would be talking and I could tell that things were going to escalate, but before they actually did escalate, I would say “STOP” and put my hand up in the stop sign (like a traffic cop). Sometimes I had to say it 2-3 times. Then I would just say, :I’m leaving so we can both calm down.” And I’d leave.. go to another room, go for a walk , a drive, anything to get away from him.

I practiced this in front of a mirror, imagining one of the times when he’s go off the handle. In my imagination I, at the moment that it was about to escalate, I’d say “STOP” and put my hand up. I play acted this in front of the mirror until it was automatic. 

Then I sat him down and told him that I would no longer be a party to any angry outbursts. I told him that if he ever put a hand on me again I would call the police and press charges. That when I felt things were escalating I was going to say “STOP” & put my hand up. He had to stop. I would go calm myself down. He could go clam himself down. After we had both had time to calm down and gather our thoughts, we could then talk like adults. 

It took a couple of months of doing that, but he got to the point where he knew he was losing it. He would just stop arguing/yelling, and leave the house. He usually went on a bike ride for an hour or so. 

You can try that. But you have to impress on her that there is never any excuse for either of you to hit each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wadenjam said:


> My wife will usually let me know straight out what's bothering her about things that I do or say that hurts her feelings. But there are times (doesn't happen very often but does happen) when I say I'm sorry and she doesn't just accept it and move on. She will hold a grudge and stay mad and say something like "I wish I didn't have to tell you". Then she might ask "Why are like that?" And say something mean like "Maybe we just aren't compatible". Then later she will apologize, say she didn't mean what she said, that she loves me forever, and that we are soulmates. It also makes me feel a little terrible that I'm not meeting her needs naturally. If that makes sense.
> 
> I'm not a jealous person. I rarely ever get jealous. This bothers her. She will say things to try to make me jealous like a guy at school asked for her number or some guy hit on her. This isn't a huge problem for us but I just wanted to put it out there.


Meeting needs... there are two books that should help the two of you learn how to talk about your needs and restructure your marriage:

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" ... read them together and do the work they suggest.

Start with "Love Busters".. love busters are things like her hitting you and you saying mean things. You identify them together and just stop hurting each other (yes you can just stop). 

Then you work on identifying your needs and meeting each others needs.

These books teach a couple a way to talk about these things constructively.


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## wadenjam (Nov 2, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> wadenjam said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for the judgment.
> ...


[/QUOTE]

You are extremely judgmental. 
I don't care to block people because I'm a mature adult. 
Because I think my wife is beautiful, I'm a superficial jerk? She is beautiful to me, she may not be beautiful to you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She is beautiful to me in every way and she has amazing qualities. Sorry that you don't think the qualities I mentioned are any good. You just dissed a lot of women out there. 
Yes, I will love my wife and think she is beautiful for the next 20, 30, 40, 50 years. She will always be beautiful to me because I don't love her for her looks, I love her for who she is. Sounds more to me like you are the superficial jerk.


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