# Marriage in Limbo: What Would You Do?



## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Hey guys,

I've been together with my wife for over 12 years and married for almost 10. Back in June she dropped the "I love you but don't love you" line on me. We were close to calling it quits but we do have kids together and we are in some major credit card debt and she has a low paying job so if she were to move out she would be living poorly and I would too (having to pay off the debt AND pay child support would leave me with pretty much nothing left over). So I guess we are still together because it's just more convenient for both of us. 

Now we LOVE one another, enjoy each others company, kiss now and again but don't engage much in sexual activity. She loves me because I am family to her but that's about it.

Yesterday I had to confront her again about how she felt about me and the marriage. I think things have gone a LOT better since our June conversation. She had some issues with me, especially about my appearance and hygiene and I really have done a 180 in that regard. She even said that she really sees the effort I've been making YET I still get these lines from her: "I don't feel gushy about you still" and "I really think I'd be better off single than married". Also I APOLOGIZED to her (as I've done in the past many times) about the fact that I had ignored her wishes, told her I was a changed man, and asked her if we could get a "marriage reboot" and to "wipe the slate clean" and get a fresh start on our marriage. SHE REFUSED to do so! 

She was also mad at me because I brought up this kind of conversation with her since because of our finances we can't really split up anyways. So she was irked that I had brought up the state of our marriage. It is, however, the 500 lb gorilla in the room. She said to wait a few months before bringing up the conversation again. We then had sex because she was feeling close to me (these were her words to me). Yup, I've gotten it TWICE this summer!

So my marriage is in limbo. My wife loves me but is not in love with me. I can really see this scenario unfolding: I have been working hard (have been on a budget) to get down our debt. I could end up paying it off in about a year and then have her leave me and use all that money I have been paying towards credit cards pay towards child support instead. In fact the amount I pay towards credit cards is about how much I would owe her in child support (she figured this one out a while back).

If you were me, what would you do? HOPE that somehow she gets those feelings back for me over time or tell her to take a hike? Also, she has had a few EA's over the years although as far as I know nothing lately. Am I being a sucker staying with her?


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## 4oneone (Jun 11, 2009)

I would let go and see what happens if she wants to leave let her go I know it will hurt but you can lead a horse to water you know the rest. if you are the only one working out the bugs abd she is just sitting waiting then all bets off it takes two to tango.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Don't hope that she will come around. She won't. I'm not trying to be mean but you need to take action. 

It seems like you already have taken some action, which is great! Nothing like a marriage crisis to really shake you up. 

What have you tried, in the past, to make your marriage better? Have you read self-help books? There are some really good ones out there...The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It would be good if both of you read that one...if not you read it.

Have you attended any marriage counseling? If not, try it you may be suprised how over time you can sort things out. If she isn't willing, then you get yourself a counselor and work on you. We have ALL contributed to the breakdown of our marriages. We can ALL contribute to the rebirth as well..

Don't appear to needy around your wife. This is something that you FEEL like doing (begging, pleading, overanalyzing, etc) but it is Highly unattractive to your spouse. I tried it for awhile...doesn't work. Also, try not to talk about the relationship all of the time...after awhile you are "beating a dead horse." Show your love through your actions.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

If it were me, I would encourage her to leave and find her happiness. I would not try to change who I am or try to live a life of trying to be romantic as marriage is marriage and she apparently thinks marriage is about romance, so let her find what she thinks her happiness is.
Last thing I would do is try to be something I'm not. I would not live with someone who wasn't in love with me either...
in a down to earth and peaceful, comfortable way.
She apparently has some ideas of what married life is supposed to be, encourage her to find them and encourage her to leave and look for them.
It is a good opportunity for her to mature and grow as a person and you should find someone else who has the same ideals you do who loves you and is in love with you.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Hey guys,

Thanks for all of the feedback, I appreciate it greatly! I especially agree with the appearing too needy thing. I keep things bottled up (I'm totally passive aggressive) and I will hang out with her and just start sighing. NOT a good thing. She even stated that she can see a little bit of neediness in me and she is NOT attracted to it at all. So kudos for that remark!

I have found out the hard way that I CANNOT change how she behaves and how she feels about me. I can ONLY change myself. She is a depressed person yet thinks that counseling is a waste of time and money and that antidepressants are too expensive. I, however, feel like I need to go to counseling alone because I have some major issues that I have to work on. 

It's funny, she said the marriage isn't working because of "X,Y, and Z", I take action and do "X,Y, and Z" and now she tells me its STILL not good enough for her to be attracted to me. I get from her that "its still good for ME to be doing those things, not for US." Apparently she feels if I had taken action SOONER things could have been different. She used to tell me all the time that she thought we were "soulmates" and meant to stay together forever. Boy, that was a LONG time ago!

Lastly, I would never cheat on my wife BUT I feel myself talking/flirting with other women more and more. There is this one woman in particular who I know REALLY DIGS me and gives me this look that my wife doesn't.It's great for my ego because my wife's rejection has really lowered my self esteem. It makes me feel like I CAN be attractive to women. Again, I haven't done anything inappropriate with this person and never will as long as I stay married to my wife. I want to honor this marriage but it's getting VERY HARD when she doesn't have feelings for me anymore.

Lastly, here is what is so strange. We really do get along. She kisses me, we hold hands together, etc. This gives me SOME hope that she will come around eventually.

EDIT: I just peeked onto my wife's myspace account. The day after our conversation her mood was "lonely, tired, and missed love (hearts symbols)". This kind of pisses me off actually. Should I be mad about this or did our conversation make her reflect on our state of affairs?


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

Hmmm... I have a feeling I'm gonna give my hubby the ILYBINILWY speech pretty soon... I'm going to give some perspective from the other side. 

My hubby and I have been married 15 years. He is also passive-aggressive. There are definite issues messing things up between us, but the more and longer I think, the more I realize that the core problem is not the issues. In fact, I now think the issues might have arisen *because* there is a deep male-female bond lacking between us. I'm not talking that wild passionate "in-love" feeling. I'm talking about a deep bond, the type of connection that can be expressed sexually. 

I hate to say it but I will be blunt. Either it's there, or it's not. You can't "make" it happen. A lot of people want to think that love is a choice, a series of actions. That all you have to do is "behave" the right way and love will blossom. I say, that is true IF there is a seed of a deep connection in the first place. Then the connection/love is obscured or covered up and can be developed.

But if you try to say love is a "choice" or series of actions, then that means that anybody can be with anybody, if they simply behave the right way. Do you think that is true? I don't. I don't think there are necessarily one-and-only soulmates, but there really IS such a thing as chemistry. 

I love my husband. As as the father of my children, as a good friend, as someone I've had a long history with. However, I am coming to see I really don't love him as a lover/husband. Even when things were *good* between us, at the beginning of the relationship, I never felt especially bonded to him through sex. 

And omg... my hubby used to sigh all the time. It drove me crazy.


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## p22pqq2 (May 7, 2009)

Thanks Ingrid,

I really appreciate your candor in all of this. At this point I know that my wife will come around and fall back in love with me is wishful thinking. I am really thinking about pulling the plug on this marriage. I respect myself too much to be with someone who is with me solely because it's more convenient for her (and admittedly for me too) but feels no passion for me.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Ingrid said:


> I hate to say it but I will be blunt. Either it's there, or it's not. You can't "make" it happen. A lot of people want to think that love is a choice, a series of actions. That all you have to do is "behave" the right way and love will blossom. I say, that is true IF there is a seed of a deep connection in the first place. Then the connection/love is obscured or covered up and can be developed.


:iagree: I couldn't agree more!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I agree the in love feeling comes and goes. When anger/hatred comes in front nothing good and loving will ever show and space and time is the only thing that can get that to blossom.. In my situation I am doing the space thing but following MC and a book to direct me into winning her back by making changes forever in how I interact and treat her. A better healthier way. I told her in the MC "I OWE YOU THIS". She couldn't look at me but I can see it got to her. My gift last night to her was a dozen roses that said "I owe you my unconditional love". I din't get much of a reaction but that doesn't mean anything.


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