# Color me the ignorant fool



## KnnNike (Dec 18, 2012)

Hello all,

I've posted several times on here before. I just went through a 3-month trial separation with my wife. She was depressed because we are living away from family, and I was dedicating all of my time to my PhD program. Well, she told me on the 18th that she wanted to meet on that Friday, and I spent the whole week very happy that she was finally able to talk. Our meeting on Friday lasted 10 minutes - I sat down, she said she was filing for divorce, and then she left.

Naturally, I have been going through the stages of grief all over again. I have asked her why she wouldn't give me one chance, any chance at all, to show her that I have changed (and I have, I am leaving my PhD program and looking for jobs back near home, which is what she always wanted - this is something, ironically enough, that I have been contemplating for some time now). She said that she was depressed the last year of our marriage, and now that she is not with me, she is not depressed; ergo, I don't deserve a second chance.

There's no possibility of an affair or anything, but I feel like such an idiot for thinking that 3 months with no contact would make her miss me. I still feel extremely sad for all of the lost opportunities that we won't have, and the experiences that we won't share. I also cannot see myself ever putting that same level of effort (prior to our marriage trouble) into a relationship again, and even though I'm only 24, I feel like I am destined to live my life as a bachelor (we both very much wanted children too). 

The last 8 years of my life have been devoted to this woman, and I feel like my young adulthood has been completely squandered.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers...


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

KnnNike said:


> I have asked her why she wouldn't give me one chance, any chance at all, to show her that I have changed (and I have, I am leaving my PhD program and looking for jobs back near home, which is what she always wanted - this is something, ironically enough, that I have been contemplating for some time now).


She obviously doesn't think you've changed, and that a desperate attempt by you to win her back by leaving your phD program and looking for jobs near home is too little, too late, and she just may be right. Once the feelings of love are lost, especially following a long period of unhappiness, sometimes they're gone forever. She seems to believe this is the case and she's not going to be persuaded otherwise. 



Cody1980 said:


> She said that she was depressed the last year of our marriage, and now that she is not with me, she is not depressed; ergo, I don't deserve a second chance


There is some degree of validity to her reasoning, although it's possible she may ultimately decide she didn't give you more of a chance to make it right. I've heard stories.. months or years later the dumper realizes they made a mistake but there's nothing you can do but give her the divorce and who knows maybe down the line she'll reconsider and hopefully you'll be this new and changed person but it will take you more than a few months and a new job to become that new and changed person.



Cody1980 said:


> There's no possibility of an affair or anything


Dont fool yourself. There's always the possibility of an affair, especially when you haven't been with her for several months.



Cody1980 said:


> , but I feel like such an idiot for thinking that 3 months with no contact would make her miss me.


Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes it does work that way. Since after 3 months she's even more firm in her resolve to leave you, then she was already gone, and just needed to convince herself. Nothing would be different if you maintained contact during these past few months.



Cody1980 said:


> I also cannot see myself ever putting that same level of effort (prior to our marriage trouble) into a relationship again


Give it time.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Quitting your PhD program because you're almost done or quitting it all together?

If it's the field of profession you've worked your entire life for, finish it. If she can't wait for you then maybe she's not the one for you.

Don't ever give up a dream (that's attainable) for someone else. In the end, you'll most likely regret it.


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## KnnNike (Dec 18, 2012)

CH said:


> Quitting your PhD program because you're almost done or quitting it all together?
> 
> If it's the field of profession you've worked your entire life for, finish it. If she can't wait for you then maybe she's not the one for you.
> 
> Don't ever give up a dream (that's attainable) for someone else. In the end, you'll most likely regret it.


Quitting altogether. It's not just a knee-jerk reaction to her leaving. I have been unhappy in the program for quite a few months, and I have decided that I don't want a life with nothing but research and round-the-clock work hours.


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