# Dealing with jealousy at work



## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I am newly married and I have a huge issue. I have a very jealous husband who is sensitive because while we were dating… he and I broke up and when we got back together he found out I had texted a few male friends…. He considers this cheating because we were still “fighting” when it happened. Anyway, he is already jealous and this has made it much worse. I take the blame for that.

Now, fast forward to real married life. I love this man but he’s gotten out of hand. I have a fairly new job and he was extremely angry with me for taking a work trip that my boss said I needed to go on….he didn’t want me traveling at all. He cried, begged — screamed and demanded I come home or he would divorce me. I was extremely emotional on the trip and it didn’t help that my husband was texting me during my meetings and he told me if I turned the phone off …he would be DONE and even texted me a picture of the clerk’s office where he was going to file divorce. My boss noticed my tears and eventually asked me if I was okay…I told her (and the company CEO) that I was okay…but it was tough time. 

I told my husband to stop threatening me because it was making me cry more in the meetings….and I was making a scene. His response was that I should just get on a plane and come home. I didn’t. Instead I went to dinner with my boss who told me that she couldn’t believe I was standing for this crap and then took me out for drinks. The texts grew worse and she saw them…we started drinking wine and at around midnight she got mad at him for his insulting texts and SHE took my phone away from me because I was so upset…. and SHE texted him to F off….

The next morning she apologized but insisted that I get away from my husband. I agreed with her… But of course…I got weak. I went home and we have had huge fights over this…but we reconciled. Now, I have a huge work trip coming up…It’s 5 days out of town and I am working non-stop. Initially, my husband had planned to come with me…but he just wants to monitor me. He thinks I will be flirting with men and he says he can’t take that…

I have gotten very scared about the situation. My bosses have not asked what’s going on and I haven’t said a word. I didn’t go to the XMAS party because I was too ashamed. 

My husband is ticked off that I”m worried about him attending this. He says I should go there very proud of him and act like nothing happened. He also says if my boss says anything to him….he will fire back and he expects me to stand up for him, too. 

This whole thing honestly keeps me up at night. If he doesn’t go on this trip he will threaten to divorce (and probably will divorce me) the whole time and I will be an emotional mess. If I bring him…I will be worried non-stop if I have to talk to a man….or I don’t cater to his every move.

he says he would NEVER go to meetings without me… (he’s self employed) and he can’t believe I would not want to be proud of my husband. 

What advice do you give?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

findpeace said:


> *What advice do you give*?


Get a divorce


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Beat him to it and file yourself. Or if he texts you a picture of him at the court house again just say "Ok, thanks!" and shut your phone off. 

Bring your important papers with you, have a family member go to your house to get your belongings if he starts throwing a tantrum but leave the guy, he's not worth it.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

work is work. if travel is required, it's part of the deal. if your boss tells you to go, you go.

has he been cheated on in previous relationships?

don't negotiate with terrorists. threatening divorce is way way way over the top


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Yes his college sweetheart cheated on him.

So he's extremely on guard. But I notice the big problem is that I don't make him a saint to my co workers. I immediately introduced him to my boss when I started but I no longer take him places or bring him into my office. That makes him angry and also worried that I'm having affair with co worker. 

He even tried to friend my bosses on FB to spy on them 



ReidWright said:


> work is work. if travel is required, it's part of the deal. if your boss tells you to go, you go.
> 
> has he been cheated on in previous relationships?


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

findpeace said:


> Now, I have a huge work trip coming up…It’s 5 days out of town and I am working non-stop. Initially, my husband had planned to come with me…but he just wants to monitor me. He thinks I will be flirting with men and he says he can’t take that…


You are just married and this is happening? Did you see this side of him before you got married?

Your job is your job not his. Is he going to "monitor" you when you go away for every assignment? When your boss is giving you a new assignment will you say "" excuse me boss I have to call my "real boss" at home and get permission"". 

Do you have to check with the "real boss" whats appropriate to wear on these assignments? That might sound like a stretch but your H behavior is over the top. 

All I can say is don't have any kids till you figure this out. Tell him mandatory counseling, maybe anger management because once children are in the mix it's a totally different ball game. 

He needs to fix this, you can't. MC might help but you might just have to end the marriage because this is more serious than you might realize. It sounds controlling and scary to me.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

He has threatened divorce, you have no children with him.... You should graciously accept. He sounds awful, controlling and dangerous. Cut your losses and run!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You can't live like this OP.

You're husband is controlling and abusive. Threatening divorce is the lowest of the low.

At the very least, you need to gather all your personal papers, and keep them off site, then file for legal separation. Insist that he gets therapy for his behaviour and tell him you won't discuss reconciling until he does so.

I think you should leave, but if you want to give it a try the above is the minimum you need to do. And for god sake, don't get pregnant.

This will not get better, only worse. You need to act now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Get a divorce


:iagree:

Or get him into some serious therapy. Because his jealousy will only get worse and worse and worse.

I have just had a thought. Sometimes people who are cheating get insanely jealous of their faithful spouse.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Your husband is behaving like a buffoon right now, and you two have to get to some therapy to get to the bottom of it if you are going to stay married. So far, it appears you have done nothing inappropriate.

However, your female boss was way off base getting on the phone with YOUR husband while obviously intoxicated at midnight. Do you really think him KNOWING you were out drinking at midnight did much to calm the situation down. The relationship your boss has with her husband ( and does she have one) cannot be imposed on you.

Attending meetings no matter where they are is mandatory and necessary for you to perform your job. If hanging out in bars until 1 or 2 in the morning is mandatory to succeed that is bull ****, and while so far there is nothing you have done on this one other trip that warrants his behavior. But I have a lot of married women who work for me and who travel and some of their husbands are OK with being "party animal' , some are not. Some of these women stay in their rooms after dinner, and while your husband should NOT be insisting on this with no rerason, why are you out at midnight bombed in a bar when you have this drama going on. Hopefully you can get to that point where it is no big deal, but right now it just fuels the fire.

Now you have to make the decision on divorcing him. That is your right, and he is way overboard here from what you have said. Travel is a tough one on healthy marriages, and partners have to agree on acceptable and not acceptable expectations. He needs to stop the crap of being a brute idiot, but you might as well divorce right now if your position is going to be that you will do what're you want to and if he does not like it tough crap.

AND ONCE AGAIN, you have done nothing wrong, but your boss was way out of line, as was your husband. What this incident did reinforce into his warped thinking is that your boss is going to encourage you to defy him and socially do whatever she chooses to do while travelling.

I am a BH, and I travel a lot for business. A lot of the guys, and some women that I travel with, do a lot of crap when away from home, that my wife would not like and that they should not be doing. I choose not to participate. 

If you are going to regularly travel, it is not reasonable for your husband to expect you to be rude and not be cordial and do some socializing with business associates, and some of them are going to be men. But that is different from closing the bar down every night, getting drunk, and staying out until all hours in mixed company on a regular basis. YOU HAVE NOT DONE THAT SOE FAR SO HE IS OUT OF LINE. I REPEAT THAT.

So either divorce him because of his behavior or get some help in getting through this. But that should be your decision with NO INPUT from your boss, and if I was your boss's boss, I would tell her to stay the hell out of your personal life unless you are not doing your job. And at that point to address it with you and not by swearing at you're husband. She has made a ****ty situation worse.

Sorry for the rant


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Those male friends...... what was texted? Are they still around, in your FB, etc? 

He's definitely over the top, but something is there still triggering him to be like this. Did you guys rugsweep you texting the other guys or have you had an adult conversation. My senses tell me there's something unresolved and hence his over the top behavior.

I won't say just dump him, YET. However you two need to have a sit down about everything. You guys need to really discuss boundaries.

Also, he got cheated on in the past. Do you have a history of cheating (besides the "texting")?

Need more details to help. Your boss is an idiot for sending that text for sure.

Usually the jealousy can start as justified, but then it spirals out of control. Then when it's out of control the person who caused the spouse to trigger claims victimhood. Look at what BOTH of you are doing or have done. That's what needs to be done here. If he's still this jealous and you guys are now married, something is unresolved in his head. Fact.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Thankfully you posted this SS. When in a crisis, going to a bar and getting bombed until midnight is why I posted what I did.

OP, you need to give us more details about your actions. You glanced over the messages you sent to other men. But then berated the response your husband is showing.

If you want honest responses on how to FIX this, then you really need to get the entire story out there.

Why did you guys break up and for how long? Was it just you too having an argument or was it a true break up before you messaged these guys. What were you messaging to these guys? Were these guys ex bfs. suitors? If any of these guys are still in the picture, you need to cut them loose. They aren't "just friends".

Lastly, how old are you two? 




straightshooter said:


> Your husband is behaving like a buffoon right now, and you two have to get to some therapy to get to the bottom of it if you are going to stay married. So far, it appears you have done nothing inappropriate.
> 
> However, your female boss was way off base getting on the phone with YOUR husband while obviously intoxicated at midnight. Do you really think him KNOWING you were out drinking at midnight did much to calm the situation down. The relationship your boss has with her husband ( and does she have one) cannot be imposed on you.
> 
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> Those male friends...... what was texted? Are they still around, in your FB, etc?
> 
> He's definitely over the top, but something is there still triggering him to be like this. Did you guys rugsweep you texting the other guys or have you had an adult conversation.


There's nothing to rug sweep. They were not married and had broken up at the time OP was texting these male friends. What she was texting them at that time is NONE of her now husbands business!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

True about cheaters being jealous but the fact the husband got cheated on in past makes this very unlikely scenario. 



MattMatt said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Or get him into some serious therapy. Because his jealousy will only get worse and worse and worse.
> 
> I have just had a thought. Sometimes people who are cheating get insanely jealous of their faithful spouse.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Precisely why we need more details on the breakup, who these guys were and if they are still around, etc. 

We've got a partial picture. Were these guys the reason for the break up to begin with?

If they were truly apart and got back together, then the husband needs to get over it. Typically there is more to the story.

OP needs male perspective here if she wants to fix it. Women are going to scoff and say divorce. I'm not at the bid D stage yet.



frusdil said:


> There's nothing to rug sweep. They were not married and had broken up at the time OP was texting these male friends. What she was texting them at that time is NONE of her now husbands business!


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I texted a guy who was another colleague that we should grab a drink and he could come see my new place. I was leaving my then finance and had gotten an apartment. But my now Husband and I had gotten back together ASAP and I never followed up with the guy. He's not attractive but I was trying to make a contact in my field and work to try to establish a new life. This came as a result of my then Fiance telling me we were done and sending me pictures of his wedding ring being put away....and telling me I have destroyed his life and he will never find love again. It was very hard for me and i knew it was abuse so I just tried to move on. But I couldn't. He never knew of this until a couple weeks later he went through my computer and found the text. I apologized to him but I also told him it wasn't fair for him to tell me he was done with me and expect to just sit around.

As for the bar...I went out drinking w my boss because I was trying to get the desire to leave him and give in to his threats. I was just trying to find the courage. But as soon as I got back around 12:30 I called him repeatedly and begged him to forgive me. No I didn't talk to anyone or flirt with any men. I was in tears the whole time. 

I understand his fear but I also know that he can't let go and trust me. I ask him to believe in me and not insinuate I got a client because I flirted or dressed sexy. He can't seem to get to that with me.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I should also say the reason we broke up was because he was controlling all the money and trying to prevent me from seeing my girlfriends for lunches etc without him because he thinks they Are "*****s". 

He also seemed angry all the time because i seemed distant and worked too much. Even though I worked from home. He needs constant attention from me


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*As for the bar...I went out drinking w my boss because I was trying to get the desire to leave him and give in to his threats. I was just trying to find the courage. But as soon as I got back around 12:30 I called him repeatedly and begged him to forgive me. No I didn't talk to anyone or flirt with any men. I was in tears the whole time. 

I understand his fear but I also know that he can't let go and trust me. I ask him to believe in me and not insinuate I got a client because I flirted or dressed sexy. He can't seem to get to that with me.*

FindPeace,

no one is not acknowledging that your husband is out of line here big time. I am just trying to point out that while your intentions were whatever they were, the net result has been to in essence "pour fire on the flames".

You boss should have simply told you that she expects your performance to be professional and productive and that you homelife cannot interfere with that. her getting on the phone with your husband now has
(1) gotten your superiors intimately involved with your home life
(2) provided you husband with a valid reason in his mind, which is clouded to begin with, to be more suspiscious ( unwarranted but real).
(3) made it almost impossible now no matter what your husband does for him to not be embarrassed and defensive to be around any of your co owrkers, and that is further going to fuel the flames when you attend work events without him.

YOU TWO NEED THERAPY IF YOU ARE GOING TO STAY TOGETHER.

I hope the next time you get pissed off at him you yell and scream at his ass but keep your boss out of it. And IF you decide to stay, you need to have a conversation with her that tells her you will do your job to the best of your ability but that you have made a decision to stay married and to please not encourage you or to ask you to participate in activities not critical to your job that will make more strain in your relationship just because SHE now hates your husband.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

The majority of our problems are the result of me not paying full attention to him. He talks about how me misses how I used to hang all over him and want to have sex twice a day. 

It's true that's how I was. But truly we started to break down because he was so annoyed that I wanted to work more than his 3 hours a day. I didn't want to give up my independence because I could sense that he would be controlling me when I gave up my job. I eventually lost my last job because he kept begging me to call in sick. Quit. Arrive late. Leave early. I avoided it at first but he won out. When I finally had no income he became annoyed if I got a manicure or bought anything of substance. 

So that's where our problems began.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

How old are you two? How long together?

This guy has serious issues.

Why did you decide to go back to him? You seem afraid to cut ties with him but he's at the point of manipulating you.

Very unhealthy relationship and this one does not seem to be salvageable. He will be a LOT of work to fix.




findpeace said:


> The majority of our problems are the result of me not paying full attention to him. He talks about how me misses how I used to hang all over him and want to have sex twice a day.
> 
> It's true that's how I was. But truly we started to break down because he was so annoyed that I wanted to work more than his 3 hours a day. I didn't want to give up my independence because I could sense that he would be controlling me when I gave up my job. I eventually lost my last job because he kept begging me to call in sick. Quit. Arrive late. Leave early. I avoided it at first but he won out. When I finally had no income he became annoyed if I got a manicure or bought anything of substance.
> 
> So that's where our problems began.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I love him. When we have no distractions or arguments ...things are perfect. That's why I stay. In part, I blame myself. But I must admit that the control and money struggles did not come from me talking to other people. They were simply because he was tired of me working outside of town and not just surrendering to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to leave him.

Last time you posted, he had broken your hand or arm.

You need to leave him before you end up dead.

Is that clear enough?


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Precisely why we need more details on the breakup, who these guys were and if they are still around, etc.
> 
> We've got a partial picture. Were these guys the reason for the break up to begin with?
> 
> ...


Speak for yourself man, this guy sounds like a nut job and dangerous. I'd get far away, that's my male perspective.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Because only until her last couple posts did we have all the information.

We've also seen on TAM where the alpha spouse was doing things and the codependent person was reacting to the bat sh|t crazy things in a poor way that makes the person being gaslighted to be the villain. 

She gave more info after I asked. Read the whole thread.....

Now it's clear she needs to get out. 



welldusted said:


> Speak for yourself man, this guy sounds like a nut job and dangerous. I'd get far away, that's my male perspective.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What country do you guys live in and where are you from ?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

We live in the United States. We are both in our thirties.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I should also say that I know he loves me and wants peace, as well. But what I don't understand is why he can't just let go ...he is constantly threatened by everything. I was super excited that I acquired a new client (more $$) and as soon as I got off the phone smiling... He said...good for you. Can't wait to hear when your first trip is to meet him and then started going on and on about how I'm making my way on my own....it is clear I don't need him etc. then he began complaining about how he thinks he could lose his job because all he does is run after me etc. He turned a very good day for me...into a nightmare. He says husband and wife she be a united team and even in a man needs to meet with me (client) he should come along and make sure they have no other intentions with his wife. 



findpeace said:


> We live in the United States. We are both in our thirties.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No your husband should not go along to meet you client to see what your client's intentions are. That is not professional. If I were your client I would just drop the contract.

Your husband is clearly mentally ill and extremely controlling and abusive. 

Why don't you leave him?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

This reminds me of a documentary I saw on battered women. Things started the way you're now describing them and escalated, sometimes beyond repair (death). You're in danger. He's crazy, abusive and potentially a criminal. GET AWAY NOW. There's nothing to discuss here. He's started by trying to ruin your career. This is just the beginning.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

FindPeace

If I just read this right, he broke your hand or arm by hitting you?????

That is a game changer!!!! If that is true, his behavior about clients is not important. You need to get away from physical abuse before you really get hurt if he is violent enough to strike you. 

Leaving aside getting drunk in bar and putting your boss on phone ( not a great move), this thing about not wanting you to talk to any man about anything is way over the line. We still make up almost 50% of the population and unless you work in a convent or stay locked in the basement you are going to interact with men.

Maybe I misunderstood what someone wrote about him breaking your arm. I hope that did not happen.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I was out with my boss and we were drinking. But she was the one who grabbed my phone and texted him. She was just frustrated in seeing me crying by all the mean things he was saying. It was not good. But I think she was just trying to protect me. 

And yes he feels he should meet all my male colleagues if they want to do any meetings outside of the office and if they have a problem with that ...he says that's their problem. 

Dinners. Lunches. Etc.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He sounds more like a nasty growth than a partner. Of course you don't take your husband to meet your clients unless he's part of the business. It's absurd. Does your doctor have their partner sit in during your consultations? Does your dentist? Does your plumber bring along the missus while he's checking your pipes? IT Technician? Lawyer? Accountant? It's beyond jealousy, it's lunacy.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

In all honesty I hired a life coach to help me leave him. I got the guts one morning and packed my stuff and left. He figured it out while he was at work and he begged me to stay. He drove the direction he figured I was going and as I was crying...driving down the highway...I saw him on the side of the road flagging me down. I stopped. We both cried and he begged me to come home. I said he needed to have faith in me if I came back. He said he would. But this stuff still creeps back up. 

I was prepared to leave. But I lost the nerve...I believed we could work it out. 



EleGirl said:


> No your husband should not go along to meet you client to see what your client's intentions are. That is not professional. If I were your client I would just drop the contract.
> 
> Your husband is clearly mentally ill and extremely controlling and abusive.
> 
> Why don't you leave him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> In all honesty I hired a life coach to help me leave him. I got the guts one morning and packed my stuff and left. He figured it out while he was at work and he begged me to stay. He drove the direction he figured I was going and as I was crying...driving down the highway...I saw him on the side of the road flagging me down. I stopped. We both cried and he begged me to come home. I said he needed to have faith in me if I came back. He said he would. But this stuff still creeps back up.
> 
> I was prepared to leave. But I lost the nerve...I believed we could work it out.


unbelievable.

You are creating your own hell.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> FindPeace
> 
> If I just read this right, he broke your hand or arm by hitting you?????
> 
> ...


The OP is a poster who has been on TAM for years. She starts a new account for each thread. Her story, if it is real, reads like a horror movie. 

She is banned with each account because she will not stick to one account.

But she will not leave this guy and keeps making excuses.


The name most people know her by is Weirdo567.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I just want someone to talk to. I have tried to stick with one account but I keep getting shut down because I Am forced to make a new account. 

The problem is I can't go to a therapist. He doesn't like that. He now hates the life coach I hired. I can't talk to friends. I've lost most of them. And i have no family.

Please don't shut me down here. I need the feedback and help. Clearly. 

I hired a life coach go help me leave. And he still got me back...by racing after me like a movie plot. 

Leaving is not easy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> I just want someone to talk to. I have tried to stick with one account but I keep getting shut down because I Am forced to make a new account.


Your last account was not banned until a few moments ago. YOu could have used that one.

Stick with his account. Do not make another account.



findpeace said:


> The problem is I can't go to a therapist. He doesn't like that. He now hates the life coach I hired. I can't talk to friends. I've lost most of them. And i have no family.
> 
> Please don't shut me down here. I need the feedback and help. Clearly.
> 
> ...


So what if he came racing after you like a movie plot. What silly drama. Sounds like teen kids.

Do you understand why everyone else has walked away from you?


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

No, leaving is not easy. Nobody said it was. But findpeace, don't forget that he broke your hand. Don't forget that he mentioned killing your ex husband (he knows a guy who knows a guy and 'accidents do happen'). Don't forget that he threatened to kill himself in order to make you stay. He's abusing you. He's guilt tripping you. He's manipulating you. He's controlling. He's unstable, crazy and insanely jealous. He was inappropriate with a teenage girl. He's ruined your business... But all that aside, findpeace, you have to protect your child from this person. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your son. You don't want him to have to grow up in this kind of environment and learn from your husband's behavior. 

That's where you find the strength.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace, Annie is right.

You have to leave. Do it for your son if you do cannot do it for yourself.


I too know that it's hard to leave, but once you do you will know it was the right thing to do.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

findpeace said:


> I should also say that I know he loves me and wants peace, as well. But what I don't understand is why he can't just let go ...


Interesting that you think it is him that can't let go...

So he is abusive, and you think he can change. You can't fix him, FP.



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

findpeace said:


> I was out with my boss and we were drinking. But she was the one who grabbed my phone and texted him. She was just frustrated in seeing me crying by all the mean things he was saying. It was not good. But I think she was just trying to protect me.
> 
> And yes he feels he should meet all my male colleagues if they want to do any meetings outside of the office and if they have a problem with that ...he says that's their problem.
> 
> Dinners. Lunches. Etc.


I think in your boss's professional capacity she was wrong to grab your phone but she's human and can see what we all see and that's YOU ARE IN A VERY TROUBLED RELATIONSHIP THAT ISN'T HEALTHY OR SAFE !

Please don't blame her for doing something you should have done.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

findpeace said:


> I just want someone to talk to. I have tried to stick with one account but I keep getting shut down because I Am forced to make a new account.
> 
> The problem is I can't go to a therapist. He doesn't like that. He now hates the life coach I hired. I can't talk to friends. I've lost most of them. And i have no family.
> 
> ...


Your story makes me sad 

When I was a young guy I though if I tried harder or loved more it would make things better. I didn't realize it wasn't me but my XW.

You need to understand your H didn't like your life coach because it didn't follow his script for your life ,,, you need to get out. What about help from family?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

My family will only help if I come stay with them way across the country. I have asked in the past for them to come help me by just stayinh with me for a few days.

They haven't done so. 

It's hard. I just need someone to keep me company and free of contact for a little while. That's why I hired the life coach.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

This morning I asked him to please just support me emotionally (I was crying) and I told him I feel very broken. I appreciate all he does for me but emotionally I need help. 

He told me I like being a martyr and that I need to be dramatic all the time and he doesn't like my manipulation. I told him no. This is real. I need his help. 

He told me my behavior patterns are weird and he needs me to stop acting so weird.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

findpeace said:


> This morning I asked him to please just support me emotionally (I was crying) and I told him I feel very broken. I appreciate all he does for me but emotionally I need help.
> 
> He told me I like being a martyr and that I need to be dramatic all the time and he doesn't like my manipulation. I told him no. This is real. I need his help.
> 
> He told me my behavior patterns are weird and he needs me to stop acting so weird.


Stop relying on him to give you what you need emotionally, he simply doesn't have it in him.
Start working on yourself and when you're ready go and stay with your family. Leave this lunatic once and for all.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

findpeace said:


> My family will only help if I come stay with them way across the country. I have asked in the past for them to come help me by just stayinh with me for a few days.
> 
> They haven't done so.
> 
> It's hard. I just need someone to keep me company and free of contact for a little while. That's why I hired the life coach.


Maybe your family is trying to help you more than you think! 

Maybe they realize coming to stay with you a few days isn't the answer to your problems. You make it sound like they aren't supporting you but in fact they are. 

Many in your position don't have the option of "going" home to escape an abusive partner. Consider yourself fortunate to have family that wants to help. 

In fact, since they live what sounds like a good distance from where you are is an ideal solution. It will give you some space between you and him.

Why isn't going across the county to live with your family not a good idea for you?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I was awake most of the night - anxious about all of this. I began to take a hard look at myself, too. Yes, I think I have had a long pattern of making excuses in my life (personally) and getting what I want. I realize I am not perfect and I know that he is reacting to me ...pulling away. He says he acts out because he feels threatened. 

But, thinking back -- I think much of the problem is that I don't fit in his mold of what he wants out of a wife....I want to work, earn money, have a solid career and be a good parent. None of those things intimately involve him, so that's why he feels excluded. He doesn't work much ...only a few hours a day right now...and he has money coming in. So, he has no patience for my interest in growing professionally.

I am a perpetual victim. I also feel as if -- I am too at risk of screwing up my life on my own.... to leave. That's my fear. I feel like I will fall apart without him.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

He is unstable and unpredictable. How do you feel about subjecting your son to this? What if he becomes abusive towards him?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

When he broke my hand...it was because he was yanking a bag out of my hand while I was trying to leave the house. He says he didn't know he had my fingers in the strap -- but he obviously did. As I said before, 3 screws and a plate later....It wasn't a simple tug.

However, he tells me it was an "accident' and he didn't intend to hurt me. He has never pushed me or shoved me etc....or hit me. He has blocked me from walking away before, but no more than this.

He is unstable in some ways...but I see him controlled around my son...typically. My son lives half time with his dad...so he isn't always with me either.




Omego said:


> He is unstable and unpredictable. How do you feel about subjecting your son to this? What if he becomes abusive towards him?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

findpeace said:


> He is unstable in some ways...but I see him controlled around my son...typically. My son lives half time with his dad...so he isn't always with me either.


Does it bother you that he is interfering with your career and causing you stress? Are you afraid to be alone? Would it really be so bad to move cross country with your family and look for a job there?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Here's what I can say...

I am honest with every incident that i've described here. I'm not a troll...and I'm not making things up. What I'm trying to understand is why I'm so scared to leave etc. I was abused as a kid so I think that has a lot to do with it. But, if you knew who I was....you wouldn't think I'm weak. I'm a very strong professional. But, I'm emotionally unintelligent. This I've learned about myself...

I know that I have the resources to go. But, as tony robbins says no one changes until the the pain gets so severe it gets them out of their comfort zone. My problem is I keep trying to ramp myself into that. I WANT the pain to platform me off this....and I come here to find people to help me feel that way. When someone says RUNNNN...IT makes me feel stronger and validated. I think that's what I need. Validation....





OliviaG said:


> The other possibility that I can think of is that you might be the one with the issue. I knew someone in school who made up all kinds of stuff about being abused, a boyfriend who died in a car accident, etc., etc.. There was always a lot of drama around her because of it and a lot of people (myself included) trying to help her, but she would not be helped. It came out after she was caught plagiarizing a bunch of school assignments that almost everything she said about her situation had been made up, including putting make-up on to look like bruises, etc.. I had been totally taken in by her and was floored when the truth came out. So I want to believe you, findpeace, but I am not blind to the possibility that you could be the one with the issue, that you might not be telling the truth, or that you may be a troll.
> 
> The fact is that you have a lot of resources and opportunity to leave. It's very difficult to leave if you have no job, nobody for moral support and nowhere to go, but you have all three. In addition to that, you have the greatest motivation a person could have: a child to protect. If you don't take action, I'm going to be thinking that one of these alternate scenarios is closer to the truth than what you've been presenting. The fact that you keep changing accounts is suspicious too, considering everything about your story as a whole.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

How long have you been married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> I was awake most of the night - anxious about all of this. I began to take a hard look at myself, too. Yes, I think I have had a long pattern of making excuses in my life (personally) and getting what I want. I realize I am not perfect and I know that he is reacting to me ...pulling away. He says he acts out because he feels threatened.
> 
> But, thinking back -- I think much of the problem is that I don't fit in his mold of what he wants out of a wife....I want to work, earn money, have a solid career and be a good parent. None of those things intimately involve him, so that's why he feels excluded. He doesn't work much ...only a few hours a day right now...and he has money coming in. So, he has no patience for my interest in growing professionally.


Your assessment of the problem IS A HUGE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
Yes, you do not fit the mold of what he wants. What does he want? He wants someone who he can control 100%. He wants someone who he can abuse so that they fear him. He is a classic abuser… well but he is also profoundly emotionally unstable.

Of course he has no interest in you growing professionally. He cannot control you if you do.



findpeace said:


> I am a perpetual victim. I also feel as if -- I am too at risk of screwing up my life on my own.... to leave. That's my fear. I feel like I will fall apart without him.


Do you mean that you have been a victim your entire life? Has that been the way you have always operated?

You went almost directly from a bad marriage into an even worse situation with this guy. You are not really married right now; is that correct?

Stop for a moment at look at what you are doing right now. You are falling apart while you are with him. If you are without him, you might fall apart some until you get some serious counseling. But, at least you will not be further abused and can start on the road to fixing yourself and your life.

Think of your son. Keep is image in your mind. He loves you and wants a mother who is whole and not living like you are right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> Here's what I can say...
> 
> I am honest with every incident that i've described here. I'm not a troll...and I'm not making things up. What I'm trying to understand is why I'm so scared to leave etc. I was abused as a kid so I think that has a lot to do with it. But, if you knew who I was....you wouldn't think I'm weak.


What sort of abuse did you suffer as a child? Was it at the same hands of the family who want you to move back to where they are?


findpeace said:


> I'm a very strong professional. But, I'm emotionally unintelligent. This I've learned about myself...


I have read that most people re-create the dysfunction of their family of origin (FOO) because while it’s sick, it’s comfortable.

I think that sometimes in life we keep repeating the same scenario over and over until we learn the lesson that we need to learn. Once we learn it, we are set free from that trauma. Many, if not most, people never learn the lesson.

You were in a bad marriage. Then you hooked up with your fiancé. He’s far worse than your husband from the sounds of it.
But there, in the above quote is the lesson you need to learn. You are a very strong professional. But, you are emotionally unintelligent.

So what are you going to do about that? You know that you need to fix this. Emotional intelligence can be learned. But you cannot learn it while with your fiancé. He will prevent you from doing it. And if he has to break your hand, ruin y our career, and even kill you, he will keep you from becoming emotionally strong. That is what abusers do.



findpeace said:


> I know that I have the resources to go. But, as tony robbins says no one changes until the the pain gets so severe it gets them out of their comfort zone. My problem is I keep trying to ramp myself into that. I WANT the pain to platform me off this....and I come here to find people to help me feel that way. When someone says RUNNNN...IT makes me feel stronger and validated. I think that's what I need. Validation....


How much more pain do you need? You are looking for something outside of you to jettison you from this situation. Well, it’s not going to happen. That jet power has to come from inside of you. You have to create it.

So how are you going to create it?


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

the dude is full of it. If he contracted herpes more than 20 years ago when he was having some sort of sex with other women, then im afraid you would have contracted it in the last 20 years....guaranteed!!!! You said yourself that you dont have sex often....so lets face facts, he probably went and banged someone else in the last couple of years because you guys are not having it at your place. Alls it takes is a fair amount of alcohol and a freshly separated woman to come on to him on a night where youre not with him. I wouldnt put it past him. 20 years and all of the sudden you contract herpes? The odds are astronomical at best. Hes already lied to you in the beginning of your dating so what makes you think hes squeaky clean with the truth now? He lied to cover up his tracks years ago, and guess what? Hes lying again to cover up his tracks....Hes not going to come out and admit that he had an affair on you and contracted herpes...i sure as hell wouldnt. You need to think back to a time where trust waned for just a bit....when you thought maybe just maybe he wasnt being faithful...i guarantee you've had those thoughts in the last few years.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

whoops sorry wrong thread lol....




betrayed2013 said:


> the dude is full of it. If he contracted herpes more than 20 years ago when he was having some sort of sex with other women, then im afraid you would have contracted it in the last 20 years....guaranteed!!!! You said yourself that you dont have sex often....so lets face facts, he probably went and banged someone else in the last couple of years because you guys are not having it at your place. Alls it takes is a fair amount of alcohol and a freshly separated woman to come on to him on a night where youre not with him. I wouldnt put it past him. 20 years and all of the sudden you contract herpes? The odds are astronomical at best. Hes already lied to you in the beginning of your dating so what makes you think hes squeaky clean with the truth now? He lied to cover up his tracks years ago, and guess what? Hes lying again to cover up his tracks....Hes not going to come out and admit that he had an affair on you and contracted herpes...i sure as hell wouldnt. You need to think back to a time where trust waned for just a bit....when you thought maybe just maybe he wasnt being faithful...i guarantee you've had those thoughts in the last few years.


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## welldusted (Oct 5, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> The OP is a poster who has been on TAM for years. She starts a new account for each thread. Her story, if it is real, reads like a horror movie.
> 
> She is banned with each account because she will not stick to one account.
> 
> ...


Did this poster also have a kid who was in custody of her ex? Did she start threads about this guy wanting her to move further from her ex and kid?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I know someone who is a permanent victim and if she isn't at the centre of some drama, she'll create it to fill the void. In your case, you have a never-ending supply of drama with this guy. Your friends and family no doubt left because it's extremely draining to deal with people who choose to be victims in every situation in their lives. 

So when one path will lead the serial victim to a place of relative peace and calm in their lives, or the other has a never ending cycle of fighting and crying and chances to be a victim, of course, they choose the path no one else would willingly take, and it leaves everyone around them confused and exasperated.

I don't believe that we get any second chances, no heaven or hell, no reincarnation. You live, you die, you turn to dust. If you want to spend your one life, your one chance to have a meaningful life on this planet being miserable, then that is certainly your choice.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Very well said. I was thinking this exact thing last night. I believe in heaven and hell. And I think I'm on the track to hell by the way I'm going. I am not being the best person I should be. And I'm certainly not helping anyone in this. He isn't a Better person because of me and I'm definitely not a better person since I met him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

findpeace said:


> I believe in heaven and hell. And I think I'm on the track to hell by the way I'm going.


In that sentence I just see you choosing again to be a victim.

From my POV you are handing the responsibility for what happens to you to someone else, or some higher power. You are miserable because he makes you miserable. You will writhe in eternal agony because "He" thinks you unworthy. When you do appear to accept any responsibility it's only so you can whip your own back and moan with self-loathing, not to actually DO anything about it.

You could pack a bag and walk out the door right now. There is nothing and no one on this planet that will stop you. Your partner will cry and beg and put on his 'poor pathetic me' routine, but that's just noise and salt water.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

How do I get past the hurt? Why don't I hate him? Sometimes I feel that anger but then it disappears. 

I want to be able to leave and never WANT to go back. I am obviously sounding like a victim when I say I'm going to hell or on the path because anyone here on the outside would say just turn around!!! 

Why isn't it easy. Yes, I have lost so many people because of him or because of the way I act when around him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well it looks like you know you should leave this disturbed man so leave.

Go straight into IC and overcome your FOO issues before even entertaining the idea of another relationship.

He seriously needs help.as well but not, never, ever, from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> How do I get past the hurt? Why don't I hate him? Sometimes I feel that anger but then it disappears.
> 
> I want to be able to leave and never WANT to go back. I am obviously sounding like a victim when I say I'm going to hell or on the path because anyone here on the outside would say just turn around!!!
> 
> Why isn't it easy. Yes, I have lost so many people because of him or because of the way I act when around him.



Are you so afraid of hurting for a while that you put up with this horrible situation? You are hurting while in the situation. So why not chose the hurt that will lead to a better life for you and your son.

Like you said, neither of you is a better person in this relationship. BOTH of you are about the worse people you can be. If you care for him, leave him. Let him deal with his own problems.

You are like two drowning people, pulling each other under water. There is horrible, destructive synergy that you both create together. It is not just him, it's you too. It takes two to tango. Stop the music and stop the dance.

And again in the above quote you are putting the responsibility on something other than yourself. You want some outside force to get you to leave.

This is your lesson, learn it. It is up to you alone. Just you. No one and no thing and no outside force is going to suddenly make you want to leave. You have to love yourself enough to leave.

Maybe love yourself enough to hate the drama.

I've read that people who cut themselves do it because they are so numb that at least when they cut they feel something, anything. Plus the pain causes the brain to produce endorphins so there is acutally a sedating, feel good response.

A person who is a drama queen (yes you are one it seems) is going a similar thing. Studies have shown that being an abuse victim also does a similar thing.

People, especially girls, who were abused as children have an abnormal oxytocin response. They produce and uptake oxytocin and dopamine when abuse and drama occur. So they keep stirring it up to get their fix. Oxytocin has several purposes: it is the bonding hormone, it works with dopamine to produce a feeling of desire and being in-love, and oxytocin is also called the amnesia hormone.

The reason it's called the amnesia hormone is that it's the one that is produced to make you forget the horrible pain of child birth. When your oxytocin production is screwed up and associated with abuse, it masks the pain and terror that abuse causes, you just don't feel this in the same way that another person would.

I'm going to be honest, when you post you have a very unreal quality to your writing. It's as if you are standing on a train track and the train is a few yards from you about to run you over ... and you say in a soft voice "Oh look at that train's bright light, do you think it will hurt when it runs me over?" And then you switch your attention to something else.

You do not have normal reactions to very bad situations. Or you are a troll making this all up. 

No one and nothing will pull you off those train tracks. You need to move you feet and get the hell out of there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where are you right now?

I mean, are you at home with him? at work?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wait, what? I remember you now, he is your childs stepfather.

At the very least, you MUST give your ex husband full physical custody of your son. You have NO business nor right, to subject him to this abuse and hell that he's forced to live in. You chose this. Your son, did not.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

My abuse was odd but substantial. I was forced into a "relationship" when I was 14 with my father's friend who was married and even went to church with us and his wife. 

I tried telling my family but my dad was so ****y he said that I was a liar because no one could get away with doing such awful things under his own nose. 

My parents kept minimizing the fact that I was expressing worry and fear of going to horse back riding lessons almost every day with this guy. 

There's no doubt it screwed me up. But it too made me learn how to lie. Bury pain and minimize the rapes that would happen ... I learned how to make everyone think I was ok. 

The interesting thing is I am far closer to falling apart now then when all of that happened.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

My abuse was odd but substantial. I was forced into a "relationship" when I was 14 with my father's friend who was married and even went to church with us and his wife. 

I tried telling my family but my dad was so ****y he said that I was a liar because no one could get away with doing such awful things under his own nose. 

My parents kept minimizing the fact that I was expressing worry and fear of going to horse back riding lessons almost every day with this guy. 

There's no doubt it screwed me up. But it too made me learn how to lie. Bury pain and minimize the rapes that would happen ... I learned how to make everyone think I was ok. 

The interesting thing is I am far closer to falling apart now then when all of that happened. 


Sent from my iPhone



frusdil said:


> Wait, what? I remember you now, he is your childs stepfather.
> 
> At the very least, you MUST give your ex husband full physical custody of your son. You have NO business nor right, to subject him to this abuse and hell that he's forced to live in. You chose this. Your son, did not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> My abuse was odd but substantial. I was forced into a "relationship" when I was 14 with my father's friend who was married and even went to church with us and his wife.
> 
> I tried telling my family but my dad was so ****y he said that I was a liar because no one could get away with doing such awful things under his own nose.
> 
> ...


So you mother and father did not believe you? Or they knew and pretended not to?

What you are going through, falling part more now than back then is normal.

With each new emotional trauma in life, a person reexperiences pervious major traumas all over again. What I've read and experienced is that each time it's like you have to take out each one and look at it, re-evaluate it through today's vantage point. then each gets put into a new perspective, refiled. This is why, often the older we get the harder it is to deal with new trauma.

It is also why, dealing with a trauma as close to the time when it happened is so important. Because that way we can get closure on most aspects of that trauma. Unfortunately you have never dealt with the rape/sexual abuse. Then you went through a divorce. And shortly after that you got into this relationship. It's like you are sitting in the middle of an emotion filled trash heap and don't know where to start cleaning it up.

I sound like a broken record. But you need to get away from your fiancé. And then you need to get into some heavy counseling.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I take 5 steps forward and 10 back. I hired that life coach and he was helping me... Then I went back. And my husband was so angry that I hired someone to help me leave him.. That he forbid me to use him anymore. And the guy was good. 

He won't work with me anymore. And now I have to find the gumption to leave again. I guess I try and find another person to help me? It's just ridiculous. I've done it to myself. 

As for my family. I don't know if they actually knew. I doubt they did but they sure as heck put up the blinders. They even put this guy and his wife as our guardians in their will...

Was it trauma? Yeah. But it was also very learned SICK behavior. I lied my ass off to cover up things... And now I feel I do the same things in life. I lie too much. This is my venting board and it's why I freaked out when my husband found it last year (hence the screen name changes) because it's where I tell the truth. My feelings are heard and usually taken seriously. So I'm grateful for that. 

But this child/teen abuse is also why I'm not close w my family. They still treat me as an outcast.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You must get away from your dangerous lunatic husband as soon as possible.

If you refuse to do this, at least let a moderator know your identity so the moderator can let us know when your husband murders you.

I'm not kidding.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

technovelist said:


> You must get away from your dangerous lunatic husband as soon as possible.
> 
> If you refuse to do this, at least let a moderator know your identity so the moderator can let us know when your husband murders you.
> 
> I'm not kidding.


I actually agree with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> I take 5 steps forward and 10 back. I hired that life coach and he was helping me... Then I went back. And my husband was so angry that I hired someone to help me leave him.. That he forbid me to use him anymore. And the guy was good.


So told your husband that you hired a life coach? Really? It was actually irresponsible of a life coach to help you do this unless they are also a licensed phycologist or physiatrist. He could have gotten you killed, or all kinds of other things. There should have been someone as an escort with you under the circumstance.

How did your husband find out that you were leaving him?


findpeace said:


> He won't work with me anymore. And now I have to find the gumption to leave again. I guess I try and find another person to help me? It's just ridiculous. I've done it to myself.


Yes you find someone else to help you. 

This is why I asked you where you were earlier. 

When are you alone without your fiancé being there?



findpeace said:


> As for my family. I don't know if they actually knew. I doubt they did but they sure as heck put up the blinders. They even put this guy and his wife as our guardians in their will...
> 
> Was it trauma? Yeah. But it was also very learned SICK behavior. I lied my ass off to cover up things... And now I feel I do the same things in life.


Sadly, this is not unusual. It is actually very normal for a child to help protect the secret because they feel that no one will believe them. Sadly, there were things you could have done to have it exposed and the guy in prison for decades. But I’m sure you were too naive to understand that.


findpeace said:


> I lie too much. This is my venting board and it's why I freaked out when my husband found it last year (hence the screen name changes) because it's where I tell the truth. My feelings are heard and usually taken seriously. So I'm grateful for that.


Counseling can help you lean to stop lying. The lying is a vail behind which a person hides because they are afraid to show their real self. It can be stopped. But YOU have to own it and do the work.
Check your PMs.. ok? 




findpeace said:


> But this child/teen abuse is also why I'm not close w my family. They still treat me as an outcast.


Why do they treat you as an outcast? I guess that is not clear?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you left, after the life coach helped you, were where you headed? Did you have a place to stay?

Have you tried calling an organization that help victims of domestic abuse for help in getting away?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

My son is with me tonight and my DH is sleeping because he's not feeling well. He says it's all the stress I'm causing him because I am constantly one foot in and one foot out. He typically never leaves me. 

When my DH flagged me down on the road to come back he got in the car with me. At that time, the coach was calling me to make sure I was still ok. My DH thought he was an affair so I told him who he was and what I had done. That guy also called my husband and told him to stop contacting me and consider it a cease and desist. Of course my husband just called his lawyer and tried to start legal problems for him. Although he has stopped, considering I am back together with him. 

My son goes back to his dad tomorrow and I have to get very clear in my head about leaving. The coach no longer works with me. And I don't know how else to find a supporter ... I have obviously worn them out. I wish I could say I haven't. 

The hard part is watching DH w my son. He's often a terrific man and great with my son. They are laughing etc and I think ...it is me. I'm obviously the problem here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

findpeace said:


> My son is with me tonight and my DH is sleeping because he's not feeling well. He says it's all the stress I'm causing him because I am constantly one foot in and one foot out. He typically never leaves me.
> 
> When my DH flagged me down on the road to come back he got in the car with me. At that time, the coach was calling me to make sure I was still ok. My DH thought he was an affair so I told him who he was and what I had done. That guy also called my husband and told him to stop contacting me and consider it a cease and desist. Of course my husband just called his lawyer and tried to start legal problems for him. Although he has stopped, considering I am back together with him.


Where were you headed? If it is some place that you might use again, and he does not know where it is then don't give anything that he might be able to figure out. Hotel? safe house? friend? 



findpeace said:


> My son goes back to his dad tomorrow and I have to get very clear in my head about leaving..


How is your son getting back to his father's house tomorrow? 



findpeace said:


> The coach no longer works with me. And I don't know how else to find a supporter ... I have obviously worn them out. I wish I could say I haven't. .


yes you do. Women who are killed by their SO are usually killed the 3rd time they try to leave.

So you need to do it right and think it through better.



findpeace said:


> The hard part is watching DH w my son. He's often a terrific man and great with my son. They are laughing etc and I think ...it is me. I'm obviously the problem here.


People also thought that Ted Bundy was a great guy.

Does you son see your fiancé when he is yelling, crying, keeping you from leaving the house, etc?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Yes I had gotten a place rented and furnished. I don't think he knows where it is anymore. He had known the area before. It's about 10 minutes from My son's place with his dad. 

I don't know what to think of the life coach. He coached me on the phone out of the house and then he called my DH and told him to leave him alone or he would face legal trouble. Of course that only made my DH more furious and he called his lawyer etc. 

And yes my son is kept away from most of this drama ...so he loves him. It's going to be hard for my son too


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

You're on a different website stating you called off the wedding (scheduled 12/26/15)...when did you get married???

You were called out as a troll on that site as well, because everyone is telling you the exact same thing there as they are here...

You're story is becoming more and more sensationalized....it's very difficult to for any lay people to help you if what you're telling us is real.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

We did not have a wedding. But we are common law married. It is a form of marriage in some states. 

I am not a troll. I appreciate the support here


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sorry - not buying it... Your story didn't add up on the other website with respect to when your current "husband" and you got together and when you were divorced from your ex. You are vague enough with factual details but give plenty of embellishment to your plight(s)...

If you genuinely appreciated the support your receiving from well-intention, good people here, then you wouldn't completely disregard the advice given... Me thinks your appreciation lies in the attention you get.... perhaps THAT is the area you need to focus on in getting help...


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Not true. And I'm happy to answer any questions to clarify.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm wondering if he has a gps tracker on your phone or on your car. That might be how he was able to catch you so quickly the other day.

what are your plans to for tomorrow? Are you just getting in the car and driving away?

If you do, lock your doors. Do not stop if he follows you if you are on the open road. Instead drive until you are in a populated area. Either drive to a police station or to a store.

From your LOCKED car, dial 911 and tell them where you are and that you are in danger. you need police help.

Don't you still have a restraining order against him?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

findpeace said:


> How do I get past the hurt? Why don't I hate him? Sometimes I feel that anger but then it disappears.
> 
> I want to be able to leave and never WANT to go back. I am obviously sounding like a victim when I say I'm going to hell or on the path because anyone here on the outside would say just turn around!!!
> 
> Why isn't it easy. Yes, I have lost so many people because of him or because of the way I act when around him.


Of course it's not easy. No one ever said it would be. If it wasn't hard then you would've done it by now. The point is that you do it anyway. It's like cutting off your own diseased foot in order to save your life.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

He took off of work today to spend the day with me. He senses I am contemplating leaving again. And that means he is going to surround me all day to convince me that I should stay. 

He said he drove off after me and flagged me down because he loves me so much and he wants me to feel his love. He said that in some ways it's like a romance movie...

Which I thought in some ways as well... But he tells me this after giving me a hard time about getting a manicure and eyebrow wax for the first time in 2 months. He chastised me for it costing more than it usually does. 

He speaks out of both sides of his mouth. He loves me and wants to take care of me....and spoil me. Then he is mad that I got manicure and eyebrow wax that cost a little more than usual. (Since I hadn't gone in 2 months!)


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

He doesn't love you. He thinks he possesses you. If he loved you, he'd let you go, seeing how miserable you're with him. When you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that means that they are no longer with you.

Are you afraid of him?


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I'm not afraid of him right now. There have been times where I was scared. 

I am afraid of being alone and failing. 

I have a place all set. Furnished. I have my son and ex willing to help. I have the tools. (Even 2k stashed away). I just can't seem to get myself to run out the door. 

Wtf is wrong w me. That's my question. 

Just today we ran into a guy who's me daughter went out w my DH before we met. She was 20! He was 45 at the time and he says I'm overreacting that I think that's bizarre. 

He said that the girl's dad thought it would be great if he could be a mentor to his daughter and that's why he hung out with her. In bars. And nightclubs. He said he never touched her and that I am crazy to not see what a great guy he was...even before I met him. 

AND I found notes that his 15 year old daughters friends wrote him saying they loved him. 

I have a problem.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Can you clarify for us if you guys are legally married or not? You once wrote that you two got married (in the court or something), like there was a document that you signed for whatever purposes and that it meant that you are indeed married now but he refuses to admit it? So are you legally married or not? If not, that makes it so much easier.

Everybody fails from time to time. Marriages fail, relationships fail, people get fired or quit their jobs, we lose friends and fail in so many different ways on a regular basis. But we can't let that be something that defines us. Failure is only a true failure if we learn nothing from it. I'm sure you learned a lot from this relationship; maybe you didn't learn how things should be done, but you definitely did learn how they SHOULDN'T be done. 

You're writing here so that means that you are aware that you can't keep this up. You're miserable. Don't let those few 'happy' moments fool you. Your husband/fiance will never change. Every 'change' you see is just temporary. Don't forget that he will ALWAYS go back to his jealous and selfish ways. That's who he is. He doesn't care about you. He cares about how mistreating you makes him feel. It makes him feel powerful, strong, in control. He needs that in order to survive mentally. He's sick. 

He gets a lot out of this relationship. He controls you, that's what he need. What do you get out of that relationship, other that the fact that you're not alone? Do you know how many threads you've started on this board? How many separate incidents have happened and each and every one of them was worth leaving him over. How many more things have happened that you didn't write about?

Staying with him will kill you emotionally. It can only get worse. And it will.

Leaving him? Imagine waking up in the morning feeling relaxed, without having to think 'what is he going to put me through today?'. Imagine just being happy. Doing healthy things, doing your job without being held back. Treating yourself with a manicure or whatever else when you can afford it, without thinking 'omg, he's going to yell at me'. Just imagine being able and free to be a person, to be who you really are and not who he wants and expects you to be. 

You know you can do it, it's 100% up to you and no one else.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

We are common law marriage. I think I could fight it if I want to leave. I think he would have trouble proving. I have not announced to my family. 

Interestingly enough he was denying our status until he broke my hand. When that happened he told everyone we are married. He wanted the world to know because he wanted legal protection since the doctor called the police on the situation. 

It's interesting how quickly he switched gears. I must say he wanted to have a formal family ceremony for our kids. But my ex prevented my son from coming to me on the weekend on our planned family event. 

He wanted me to go through with this "wedding" (a glorified family dinner) withou any of my family or my son Present. He now says I should tell my son that we got married because he wants to sleep in the same bed when my son is around. I said how do I tell him that he wasn't allowed to come to our "wedding"? He said just tell him it's his father's fault because he held him back


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Just trying to update this and get some feedback. I ended up calling his parents and telling them about some of his psychotic episodes. They told me that he has had a long history of doing weird things and saying weird things in his sleep. I said no...he was sitting up and awake when he acts like this. And they said he gets this way when he is stressed. 

They feel he has anxiety and that this is a symptom of all of his stress and they want him to find a way to calm down. 

They didn't blame me directly. But they said that its just stress. 

Also Elle girl. I emailed you and PM'd you


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

findpeace said:


> Just trying to update this and get some feedback. I ended up calling his parents and telling them about some of his psychotic episodes. They told me that he has had a long history of doing weird things and saying weird things in his sleep. I said no...he was sitting up and awake when he acts like this. And they said he gets this way when he is stressed.
> 
> They feel he has anxiety and that this is a symptom of all of his stress and they want him to find a way to calm down.
> 
> ...


Does he go to individual counseling? If not, would he? He certainly needs it. You need it too.

It's easy for others to just brush it off as 'oh it's just stress' but you are the one that has to live with it every day.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Well, my problems will only intensify now because my husband was just told that his employment contract will not be renewed in a few months. 

The tension will only build more now and his anxiety is going to worsen. 

I have been trying to tell him that ditching work and following me everywhere is not going to help things and it has finally become a reality. 

He is destroyed and now very fearful. If I leave now don't I look like even more of a cold hearted B???


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

findpeace,

Are there womans shelters in your area where you can crash for a few days?

Have you ever pressed charges against the man who had sex with you when you were young, and did you tell his wife.

Restraining order???

Tamat


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I never pressed charges. No. When I tried to tell told my family they didn't believe me. It was a very difficult life for me...my family has looked at me as a liar. 

As for leaving my common law marriage ....my DH is being so kind to me the past few days...and it makes me hang on. 

As Elle girl said... What is it gonna take for me to get the nerve to leave? I take too much and forgive too much. 

Now he is losing his job in a few months. But he is already lining up a new one. I think he will be ok on the job front. But no doubt I will see the impact of the stress very Soon.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Umm..

Run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Weirdo is back??!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

Yes this has already been established. Elle girl and I said that openly here. Please read through.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

findpeace said:


> Yes this has already been established. Elle girl and I said that openly here. *Please read through.*


Sorry but I've already read ten or more of her threads. No time to read the eleventh one all the way through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> True about cheaters being jealous but the fact the husband got cheated on in past makes this very unlikely scenario.


Really? Seriously? Like no cheated on person ever cheated on a new partner, later? Oh, sadly that does happen.

And OP only has his word that he was cheated on.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You're still trying to be a victim. Now you're setting yourself up to be his Knight in Shining Armour, helping him through this stressful time of being unemployed when you know that it's going to end badly for you because he takes the stress out on you, but that's exactly what you're waiting for, another excuse to stay a victim.

You admit you have a way out, a place to go, but you want to stay, so you do.

You ask what the problem is? You. Let me save you the trouble of responding by writing what comes next:

"Oh woe is me, I'm so useless, I deserve it all, I just can't DO anything about it. Someone help me, I can't figure out what's wrong with me"

Someone tries to point out you could LEAVE. Rinse and repeat. Trying to help you is like being on a carousel. You go ROUND and ROUND and ROUND and people eventually think, FVCK THIS and hop off, then you try to drag other people on your carousel because it's lonely on there, and they go ROUND and ROUND and ROUND. Well, FVCK THIS.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm sorry OP, but there are no magic words or sentences anyone can say to you that will help you. The onus is on you, only you can change this situation. You have the means and support system to leave, but yet continue to stay. It's like the story of the dog laying on the nail, he keeps crying out and whimpering, but just lays there.

In all honesty, I can understand why your family won't come stay for a few days to "help" you. It won't make a difference, because it hasn't in the past. At some point one can transcend being a victim and become an enabler, I believe that time may be now. You need to start accepting some responsibility for your unhappiness by your refusal to leave. I by no means am saying you deserve any of the abuse he spews on you. I'm just saying the only choice for your safety is to leave. It is not romantic to have a man chase after your car, it's downright scary!

Good luck with everything.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How old are you guys? It sounds like your H has major insecurities, he needs help, you cannot help him with this.


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## findpeace (Jan 19, 2016)

I'm 40 and he is 49.


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