# How do you trust again?



## rayne60 (May 13, 2011)

Hi! I have been reading several of the threads tonight seeking some kind of advise. I guess I have the age old question...how do I trust him again? Caught husband cheating a year ago with a co-worker. He is very sorry for what he has done and wants to keep our marriag. I do take my vows that I took with him very seriously so I decided to stay and we both went to counseling for 6 months. When I found out of his infidelities I asked him to find another job. Well lets just say he is still there. He didnt put much effort in looking even though he said he would. I understand that jobs of his pay are hard to come by so I dont say much. The woman he started this affair with, her husband found out and made her quit over 2 yrs ago (yes this affair went on for 3 yrs) but she has friends there that helped the two of them keep this going. Plus, there were two more after the first one left the work place, that still work there. He does work on trying to fix what he has done but my gut tells me theres more. I just cant trust him anymore! Taking any suggestions! Let me tell u we have been married 11 yrs. Been together 18 yrs.


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## rayne60 (May 13, 2011)

...I know that most of you that read my post are thinking..."He had 3 different women in three yrs and your asking how can you trust him?...really???" Let me say 4 years before these infidelities he detached from the marriage. He doesnt understand why except for his addictions to internet porn and marijuana so that eventually made me detach 2 years prior to finding out about the affairs. Marriage counseling was good for us it led us to AA and AlAnon. He will be 10 months clean this Monday. The 12 steps have helped both of us immensely but this "trust issue" I dont know what to do about it. Im afraid it is about to "break up" the marriage Ive probably have always wanted. My "gut" has never let me down though in my 46 yrs of living so is this insecurity or a premonition?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Has he given up porn? Do you check the computer?

Id be happy for his efforts and recovery, but I would never be able to trust him again. Too much cheating. And if he still works with his affair partners, temptation is always there.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's a serial cheat. You will never trust him (and rightfully so).


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## rayne60 (May 13, 2011)

Yes, I check the computer but that wouldnt stop him from being in "private browsing" mode. I know u both r right...wish u had more encouraging insight but nonetheless u r correct in saying, I will never b able to trust him again. Whats confusing to me is that I caught him chatting with the first woman he had an affair with on our computer. He didnt have to tell me about the other two. I would have never known about them. Now, mind ya, it took him 2 months after me catching him that he told me about the others. If there had been more women before them, would he have told me about them, esp. if he was clearing his conscience??? If he wasnt serious about working on this marriage and himself...why tell me about the other 2??? So many questions I have!


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## TAM curious (Apr 24, 2011)

I really feel for you. Your situation is eerily similar to mine. I also chose to stay but we have not gone to counseling. How is that working??? I wish I had encouraging words for you. The pain will never go away- sure, it eases up but is always there. I will never be able to trust him again. I am really numb now but I am dealing. It is what it is. "for every rat you see there are 20 that you don't" or something to that effect- Dr. Phil.
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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

My situation is similar to yours. Married almost 12 yrs. Found out two years ago that my husband had been engaging in extracurricular activities. As in your case, we were both detached from each other for a long time. We both made lots of mistakes and were neglectful of each others' needs before and during the infidelity.

When I found out, I packed up my things and left. As I pulled into my parent's driveway, I was flooded with the realization that I didn't really blame him . I knew things were bad in our marriage and I did nothing to try to improve it. I wanted another chance to do things right. After a couple of hours, my husband called and pleaded with me to come home. I did and despite all the pain, the past two years have been the best of our entire marriage. I haven't had a hard time trusting him. There's a sincerity about him that wasn't there before. Things are just different now, in a good way.

Sure, the past creeps up and bites me now and then, but I feel secure about the present and hopeful for the future. I don't ask for people's opinions about whether I should be with my husband or not. It feels right to me. I'm an outsider to your marriage, so I can't say if you're doing the right thing by staying. I would just say to you- trust your instincts. Is your relationship back on track now? If so, and if you love him, try to stay in the present. Don't let the past ruin things. 

Sorry to ramble, but I wanted to offer some encouragement because it sounds like you and your husband want your marriage to work. I believe that if both parties feel that way, you've got a chance.
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## rayne60 (May 13, 2011)

Thank u! I am so sorry that u r going thru this too. Counseling was good but we had to stop because of financial reasons but AA and AlAnon has been better for us. We have met a great bunch of ppl with similar problems. My sponsor is a terrific lady and has helped me to realize that his addiction is his and his alone and I have to start thinking about me. Its called "disconnecting with love." Im not leaving him but I will no longer play a part in the insanity. I quit throwing around idol threats, anything I threat now I honestly mean. I do love this man but I have always believed that trust and love went together. Your right in quoting Dr. Phil...thats what Im afraid of...what if I have a "RAT" thats trying to mature into a man and leave this for another immature "RAT!":scratchhead: Please keep me informed on how your doing.
PS...He chose AA over SA or NA because the ppl in AA seemed to b more serious about wanting to change themselves here in our town...the 12 steps r the same in any of these programs.


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## TAM curious (Apr 24, 2011)

I am rooting for you. The main reason I stayed was for the kids. Thinking about trying counseling without him. Please keep me informed also. Hopefully others will offer you more insight.
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## rayne60 (May 13, 2011)

I honestly want to thank you..."luvmyh" Ur words have stopped my "stinkin thinkin!" U r exactly right in reminding me its all about the present...one day at a time. He does seem to b sincere and this last year has been great for the most part. Its my insecurities! I understand trust has to b built back up so it will take time. (alot of time) He is very understanding of my feelings and totally knows he is the one that created them. I wish I could just get rid of all these self-doubt. It does makes me hopeful to hear ur story for my own marriage...thanks again!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Counselling only works if he isn't having affairs.


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## rayne60 (May 13, 2011)

Ur right..."Marriage" counseling only works if theyre not having affairs but personal counseling can only help u and thats always good! What I and several ppl seem to forget is that this isnt really about them or the affairs after we chose to stay or leave. Its about how to "Let Go" with either situation and start to make a life of our own. He had his sexual affairs while I was home tending to our family, home & bills...now its time to have an "affair" of my own...sort of speak...with myself. I am trying to remember to take one day at a time and to get back out there in the world. If he cheats again and I catch him I will be in a better place to uphold my promise to him, myself and God that I will leave! But, this is not the main reason why I am doing this...I am starting this new career...this new attitude to better myself and when u better yourself that can only better ALL situations around u...your marriage, ur kids...etc...I realized this while in counseling! 
I may never "trust" him again but at least while WE r working on the marriage...Im trying to work on myself as well! Im realizing that maybe my problem is not so much in not being able to "trust him" but maybe its more in "trusting myself!"


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Well said,Rayne60. I feel the same way about much of what you wrote. Glad you're feeling better. 
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