# I just don't think I can do it anymore



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi everyone

I'm coming up to my 2 yr dday in November and I'm really finding it difficult to continue. I'm EXHAUSTED. I just want there to be a day that I don't carry around the pain and doubt. I know it's wishful thinking but I'm so tired of this hurt. I'm thinking of just taking my 2 boys and making a life for us. I feel like I've tried everything but its not enough. He has been more if a father and husband in the last year and a half ever!! And that's where I'm finding it hard to leave. I'm at a crossroad and don't know what to do. I've been with him since I was 20. He's all I've known for the last 15 years. I don't know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

cattiva said:


> I don't know what to do.


You know what to do.

You know you can't live like this, it's tearing you apart.

All you gotta do is find the strength and courage.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Has he owend up to the affair? Did you see him as remorseful over his infidelity? Or is he just trying to rugsweep it and hope time pulls things back to 'normal'. If it's the latter, then you might as well end it now. It will end eventually, might as well try and control the terms.

If he is remorseful, and you are just having a hard time letting it go. Then spend a little time working on you. I too had a very difficult time after I found out about my wifes betrayl. Part of that was she did a poor job of owning up to it and part of it was I did a poor job of demanding she make more changes in her life than she was comfortable with. It wasn't until I got my demands on the table and seriously considered that things began to 'feel' a little better. 

That's not to say things are all roses. I still trigger and have my bad days. But most of the time it's good, and slowly getting better. I'm pretty sure if I left I would have problems with anyone else I met. So, I might as well work on me with her. If she screws up again I'll still leave her. But I won't consider it time wasted, I consider it more like practice at healthy approaches to relationship problems.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

cattiva said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> I'm coming up to my 2 yr dday in November and I'm really finding it difficult to continue. I'm EXHAUSTED. I just want there to be a day that I don't carry around the pain and doubt. I know it's wishful thinking but I'm so tired of this hurt. I'm thinking of just taking my 2 boys and making a life for us. I feel like I've tried everything but its not enough. He has been more if a father and husband in the last year and a half ever!! And that's where I'm finding it hard to leave. I'm at a crossroad and don't know what to do. I've been with him since I was 20. He's all I've known for the last 15 years. I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are you finding the most difficult?

Is it resentment? Bitterness?

Do you think he still isn't doing for you what he did for her?

Do you feel that you didn't deal with his betrayal fully?

Sometimes people can't be together any more - but sometimes it can still be fixed.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

We see it time and time again OP. The living in limbo ultimately weighing so heavy on the BS, that it reaches critical mass months or years later. 

Your husband can be kind, loving and a good father, but if he chooses to rug sweep what he did, refuses to be polygraphed, ignores your need to talk about this - he is simply not remorseful; and things are unlikely to improve. 

Maybe implementing the 180 and moving forward with a D will change his mindset, maybe it won't. But either way, I'd have to say it is your best course of action.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

cattiva said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> I'm coming up to my 2 yr dday in November and I'm really finding it difficult to continue. I'm EXHAUSTED. I just want there to be a day that I don't carry around the pain and doubt. I know it's wishful thinking but I'm so tired of this hurt. I'm thinking of just taking my 2 boys and making a life for us. I feel like I've tried everything but its not enough. He has been more if a father and husband in the last year and a half ever!! And that's where I'm finding it hard to leave. I'm at a crossroad and don't know what to do. I've been with him since I was 20. He's all I've known for the last 15 years. I don't know what to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What have you both done to force changes within your marriage?

What needs do you have that your husband is not meeting?

I would say that it is better to have a good rational sit down talk about your issues with the R and to talk over that points that you are having problems with.

You might think it easier to just pick up the kids and walk but I will tell you this much, the issues follow you like a bad smell, the only way to get rid of them is to clean them all up, now from that I am not saying stay, but I am without a doubt saying you need to address the issues correctly and fairly with him and give him a chance to change the situation, if he knows the issues and is unwilling to change or to help then tell him that you find it unacceptable, but talking and communicating your issues is better than running away from them. He may well say that there is nothing more he can do and you can amicably separate and this would be far better for your children.

Communication is the key!!! You do not take your car to the garage without telling them what problems you have with it and you have a responsibility to your children to sort out an amicable end to your marriage that leads to as little disruption in their lives as possible.

Sorry, just my take on things.


----------



## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> What have you both done to force changes within your marriage?
> 
> I would say that it is better to have a good rational sit down talk about your issues with the R and to talk over that points that you are having problems with.
> 
> Communication is the key!!! You do not take your car to the garage without telling them what problems you have with it and you have a responsibility to your children to sort out an amicable end to your marriage that leads to as little disruption in their lives as possible.


I agree so much. I am forcing change as much as possible with my WW. The biggest obstacle and frustration I am running into is a lack of communication BACK to me as well as barely squeaking by on trying to make things better. Basically I am getting resentful of being the main one in the marraige to try to fix it.

Sounds like she at least has a spouse that is trying to be better. Mine is same old, same old. What excuse do I have?


----------



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

2yearsago said:


> I agree so much. I am forcing change as much as possible with my WW. The biggest obstacle and frustration I am running into is a lack of communication BACK to me as well as barely squeaking by on trying to make things better. Basically I am getting resentful of being the main one in the marraige to try to fix it.
> 
> Sounds like she at least has a spouse that is trying to be better. Mine is same old, same old. What excuse do I have?


So yes he's making an effort and yes he's rug sweeping. If that makes any sense. Yes he tells me all the sweet nothing's holds me when I break but can't tell me if the affair started before or after the birth if our second son. As for what I'm feeling - exhausted is the best word I can use. I'm so tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of thinking if what he's doing and where he is - I'm so tired of never being able to be alone and intimate with him... I'm always thinking was it like this with her. He claims that he never thinks of her only when I'm asking questions and forcing him to remember her or details. I'm so tired of hurting. I'm tired of the triggers and the spiral they send me into. How am I suppose to move on when I feel like I'm stuck in cement
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I'm assuming you have done MC? Also, did he complete a timeline of the affair?

Have you laid it all out to him with regards to where you are now and what you need from him?

The option to R or D is yours. There does come a time though when enough pain is enough.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cattiva, if you can't live with the betrayal and its aftermath, you are not under any obligation to continue with him. I mean, to try and reconcile is always noble, but it doesn't always work. 

He has gone on with his life and left you behind. Why? Because the betrayer can only be remorseful and sorry for so long before it wears off and now he is moving forward. You cannot because you are the victim. He (as are every single betrayer) cannot put himself in your shoes as he is not the victim. So in many ways, as with all betrayed, you pretty much have to go it alone. It's the sad truth of the matter.

Maybe what you need is a few months apart. Take that time, alone, to consider how you want the rest of your life to go. But take time and do things for yourself- but also be true to yourself.

Perhaps you will find the strength to try and find a way to carry on with your betrayer. If so, by then you should be in a better frame of mind. 

Or perhaps you will find that you need to continue without him as it simply has to be.

I exchanged emails for about a year with a woman who had betrayed her husband. They had two young kids and she was desperate to hang on to him and the marriage. They did the counseling, took a long cruise together and she was making every possible effort. In the end, after about 2 years total, he called it off. He tried but was just never able to get past the pain and loss of trust and faith. But he, too, tried. 

They worked out an amicable divorce and are civil and make an effort to do what they can for the kids sake. It actually broke my heart when she told me as I was trying to help her with suggestions and what a guy goes through when he has been betrayed. 

Anyways, I hope the best for you.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've got two young children who should be living a life of joy with you. No one says you have to serve a prison sentence in a marriage that weighs down your heart at every turn. Ask yourself how you see your life 5 years from now. Where do you want to be? I know it's been years with him, but you've still got most of your life ahead of you. There's no law that says you have to live the way you're living.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

cattiva said:


> He has been more if a father and husband in the last year and a half ever!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know your story and I didn't read any follow-up posts. But this is one of the most important sentences I've read on this forum.

Men. If you think you want to start the long hard fight to win her back, forget it. When they lose love for you, they RARELY get it back.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Sometimes, the WS doesn't fight hard ENOUGH, which looks like is happening here. He's doing the husband/father thing, but not necessarily the things he should be doing to help her heal, build trust and respect. THAT is what is hard to get back.


----------



## cattiva (Aug 27, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> What are you finding the most difficult?
> 
> Is it resentment? Bitterness?
> 
> ...


I am having a hard time with the betrayal - the trickle truth afterwards - the fact that ill never know the REAL truth. I'm having a hard time bc I've never been a confident person but the mule he chose is horrible. How the mule kept his attention for so long. I understand that it's not about looks - but really?? That mule?? You had to see that face. I'm tired! I'm tired of always worrying - does he tell me exactly where he's going yes - am I always check up - yes I just want to be relaxed. I feel like I'm in a room surrounded my knives if I breathe or change my position they stab me. I want to be in a place where I can move. Where I can breathe. I can't remember what it's like to breathe without pain - if that makes any sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cattiva said:


> I am having a hard time with the betrayal - the trickle truth afterwards - the fact that ill never know the REAL truth. I'm having a hard time bc I've never been a confident person but the mule he chose is horrible. How the mule kept his attention for so long. I understand that it's not about looks - but really?? That mule?? You had to see that face. I'm tired! I'm tired of always worrying - does he tell me exactly where he's going yes - am I always check up - yes I just want to be relaxed. I feel like I'm in a room surrounded my knives if I breathe or change my position they stab me. I want to be in a place where I can move. Where I can breathe. I can't remember what it's like to breathe without pain - if that makes any sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It makes perfect sense.

That's why a few months away from him will allow you to breathe again and carefully consider how you want your life to move forward- with or without him.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

cattiva said:


> I am having a hard time with the betrayal - the trickle truth afterwards - the fact that ill never know the REAL truth. I'm having a hard time bc I've never been a confident person but the mule he chose is horrible. How the mule kept his attention for so long. I understand that it's not about looks - but really?? That mule?? You had to see that face. I'm tired! I'm tired of always worrying - does he tell me exactly where he's going yes - am I always check up - yes I just want to be relaxed. I feel like I'm in a room surrounded my knives if I breathe or change my position they stab me. I want to be in a place where I can move. Where I can breathe. I can't remember what it's like to breathe without pain - if that makes any sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It makes total sense to me. The man my ex wife (we are still together) cheated with was/is low life pond scum and truly ugly - inside and out.

I often feel as though I am being physically crushed by it all; by the enormity of the betrayal, the pointlessness of it, that it means our 20 years of marriage and 2 beautiful daughters meant so little that she happily threw it *all* away for that POS.

She went out the other night; I am certain of where she went and she stuck to her timetable, but it struck me that I have simply no idea of knowing if she is telling the truth. It struck me that I never will. I remembered all the times she went out and told me lies, then more lies and lied about the lies. 

All I can say is that I empathise with what you are going through - that it is "normal" and sometimes it helps me to know that I'm not "over reacting" in some way.

Keep posting - that helps too.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> It makes total sense to me. The man my ex wife (we are still together) cheated with was/is low life pond scum and truly ugly - inside and out.
> 
> I often feel as though I am being physically crushed by it all; by the enormity of the betrayal, the pointlessness of it, that it means our 20 years of marriage and 2 beautiful daughters meant so little that she happily threw it *all* away for that POS.
> 
> ...



Same.. POS my wife was with was co-worker, and total loser in life.. but he bought her coffees and told her nice stuff with his scum tooth smile. I have two beautiful daughters and a 16 year old son with her.. (he was 11 when she started cheating). 

I don't think they are 'throwing it all away', they are cake eating.. keeping it all, and getting a little extra on the side.


----------

