# Scared To Be A Mom!



## YinPrincess

Recently, my husband and I were shocked to learn that I am pregnant. I say shocked because not only were we not trying to have children, we had both initially wanted to have a childfree marriage to begin with.

The thought of being parents is something we are warming up to, but I have SO MANY CONCERNS. I was hoping the experienced Moms on here can help me weed through the mess that is my mind right now!

I am a baby myself. Scared to death of labor, childbirth. Pooping on the table. LOL (Read it in one of Jenny McCarthy's books).  I am scared of the commitment!

I'm 31 years old... 7 weeks pregnant. Actually probably around 8 weeks now. I have Fibro/CFS (well, I don't think I have that stuff... but I've been disagnosed. I just think I'm still a little messed up from a car accident years ago). I don't know if I will have the energy to raise a child!

Neither my husband nor I make much money.

I'm a long-term smoker. (I know - no better reason to quit... but how to manage withdrawals/cravings during pregnancy??) Unfortunately, I am trying to cut back as much as possible without going insane, but I am still smoking. I have two failed quit attempts in the last year.

Before I knew I was pregnant I was drinking an average of 3 beers per day, sometimes more... sometimes less. That has been ceased.

I was also taking Hydrocodone and Flexeril for my pain. Ceased taking these as well.

As vain as it sounds, I am seriously concerned about the lasting effects on my body. Stretch marks, weight gain, flabby skin. I know it may seem petty, but to me it's not! I worry my husband won't be attracted to me anymore, that he'll leave me, that we won't have sex, he'll cheat... omg my mind can go on and on. Really!

We've only been married for a year, (In October). Still getting to know each other romantically. Have issues communicating; sometimes have conflicts and arguements that get loud and produce tears... but no violence, thank Goodness!

My worst fear is: I won't like my baby. I told my own mother this and she just laughed. But if you know me, I'm really uncomfortable with them, tend to be annoyed by other peoples' kids, etc. I have never been a maternal, baby GIMME type. Never. So I feel ashamed and worried that it'll become a burden to me, not a joy like it should be.

Abortion. My only concern is that I will regret it if I do it. Some days I don't think I'll be bothered... and some days I think I will. :/

I am just trying to feel out my situation and put it in perspective.

You know that feeling you get when plummet on a rollercoaster down the big hill... that shot of adrenaline hits me every time I try to really imagine labor, delivery, babies, pooping, etc. (lol)

Is this just normal first time mom-stuff or am I a terrible candidate for parenthood???


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## golfergirl

YinPrincess said:


> Recently, my husband and I were shocked to learn that I am pregnant. I say shocked because not only were we not trying to have children, we had both initially wanted to have a childfree marriage to begin with.
> 
> The thought of being parents is something we are warming up to, but I have SO MANY CONCERNS. I was hoping the experienced Moms on here can help me weed through the mess that is my mind right now!
> 
> I am a baby myself. Scared to death of labor, childbirth. Pooping on the table. LOL (Read it in one of Jenny McCarthy's books).  I am scared of the commitment!
> 
> I'm 31 years old... 7 weeks pregnant. Actually probably around 8 weeks now. I have Fibro/CFS (well, I don't think I have that stuff... but I've been disagnosed. I just think I'm still a little messed up from a car accident years ago). I don't know if I will have the energy to raise a child!
> 
> Neither my husband nor I make much money.
> 
> I'm a long-term smoker. (I know - no better reason to quit... but how to manage withdrawals/cravings during pregnancy??) Unfortunately, I am trying to cut back as much as possible without going insane, but I am still smoking. I have two failed quit attempts in the last year.
> 
> Before I knew I was pregnant I was drinking an average of 3 beers per day, sometimes more... sometimes less. That has been ceased.
> 
> I was also taking Hydrocodone and Flexeril for my pain. Ceased taking these as well.
> 
> As vain as it sounds, I am seriously concerned about the lasting effects on my body. Stretch marks, weight gain, flabby skin. I know it may seem petty, but to me it's not! I worry my husband won't be attracted to me anymore, that he'll leave me, that we won't have sex, he'll cheat... omg my mind can go on and on. Really!
> 
> We've only been married for a year, (In October). Still getting to know each other romantically. Have issues communicating; sometimes have conflicts and arguements that get loud and produce tears... but no violence, thank Goodness!
> 
> My worst fear is: I won't like my baby. I told my own mother this and she just laughed. But if you know me, I'm really uncomfortable with them, tend to be annoyed by other peoples' kids, etc. I have never been a maternal, baby GIMME type. Never. So I feel ashamed and worried that it'll become a burden to me, not a joy like it should be.
> 
> Abortion. My only concern is that I will regret it if I do it. Some days I don't think I'll be bothered... and some days I think I will. :/
> 
> I am just trying to feel out my situation and put it in perspective.
> 
> You know that feeling you get when plummet on a rollercoaster down the big hill... that shot of adrenaline hits me every time I try to really imagine labor, delivery, babies, etc.
> 
> Is this just normal first time mom-stuff or am I a terrible candidate for parenthood???


Labour - they have so many options to make it more comfortable - as time gets closer - discuss it with Dr.
Pooping on table? If I did no one told me so no need to worry. If you do, they wipe it up quickly (no 'ewwww gross - she pooped!')
Before I knew I was pregnant with oldest (now 19), I got HAMMERED. It's repeated exposure that causes damage. Don't drink now and things should be great.
Try your darndest to quit smoking! Do best you can! See if Dr. Has anything to help. Hypnotism???
Not loving baby. Once you hold baby for first time, you'll see why your mom laughed. You fall in love and would die instantly for the baby. If you don't, talk to doctor right away. PPD is common and treatable.
The helpless stage is so short (my youngest is 9 months and already a lot of freedom is back).
Finances - don't buy in to every baby gimmick. Stick with basics. Don't scrimp on car seat/stroller combo. Don't skimp on crib. Those are safety items! Don't buy whole bunch of newborn clothes (grow SO fast). Consider used baby clothes in 'lots'. They hardly wear them so it's not like they're tattered.
Your body is in your control mostly. You need extra calories but not eating for 2!
Enjoy the moment - we all have fears, doubts and sadness at loss of freedom but you'll do fine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

As for physical concerns, I am 47 years old and have had 3 full term (41 weeks, 43 weeks and 42 weeks) pregnancies, all delivered natural childbirth in hospitals (20 minutes not a typo, 1 hour and appx 1 hour, no stitches). I started out at 25 about 110 pounds and 5'2" am now 100 pounds no stretch marks and better core muscles than I started with. My babies were all about 8 1/2 pounds. 

I too was concerned about pooping on the table but it turned out they use a squatting stool for birthing and in any case you can use a regular toilet as you will definitely poop before giving birth but trust me unless you have a 20 minute labor you can get to the toilet and it is way before birth. The pushing you do to have baby is exact same as poop, so that is the big concern to get over when birthing, if you decide to make a huge poop movement then you can push the baby out so long as everything else is a-okay with presentation. If you fight it and try to control the muscles then that is when things are too difficult or can be made that way. Body knows what it is doing.

So, for the rest of it. Already you are thinking around baby's health and safety and emotional development. You will be a terrific mom and I think having children when you are young is fun. I took my first child on many cool adventures I would have overthought when older. I had him when I lived in Beijing but had to go to Japan to have him in a military hospital, so after he was born a couple weeks old I decided to go traveling around to see some sights in Japan. LOL. I took him on many many trips in China including mountains in Qufu and the Great Wall and Qingdao and Hong Kong and went to Harbin ice festival when pregnant. I got him in a bike carrier as soon as he could sit up and wear a helmet. He loved bicycling. I had a nanny who was a great help to me, also many experienced moms to help or give good advice. You will recognize people who are helpful vs. those who are not.

As for abortion, my first pregnancy had amniotic banding that had fatal outcome and had to be induced due to necrotic tissue on the fetus/baby. After inducement and delivery, there was retained placenta and the result from that almost killed me. Abortion is not risk-free however neither is childbirth. I can see from your post that you consider everything so feel okay mentioning these kinds of outcomes to you. I am pro-life myself but I absolutely do not get involved or judge someone else. You have a lot to think about but you should not think that you would be an unsuitable mother nor should you think that motherhood will define you. You can decide how you will mother/parent. As you respect yourself as an individual it is a sure thing you would respect your baby as an individual and in my mind that would make you a wonderful parent. There are many physical benefits to pregnancy for a woman, it is a natural thing and the hormones created can have a beneficial effect even though a lot of people experience and talk about negatives that has not been my experience. I look in my 30's and probably have level of fitness of most 20-somethings. But I am done having babies. 

You should go to a family support/activity community center and hang out with some moms or see at the hospital about support group for first time moms. My first child we had a group called BBC (Beijing Baby Club). We met at a group prenatal clinic at one of the English-speaking embassies and formed up and it was great, we had a lot of diversity but one thing in common we were all scared! We talked about everything and got together on a regular basis even after babies were born.


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## YinPrincess

You ladies are so wonderful and reassuring. Thank you so much. I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks. I am really terrified, and always worried because, unlike my best friend, for example... I never went into babybabybabybabybaby mode. I've never even THOUGHT about it until now. Watch me want a hundred after this. 

Another concern I had, an is a fairly valid fear, is having a surgical birth. My mom had three c-sections, and my sis has had 2. My aunt never had any babies, as she always miscarried. () It seems that abnormal pregnancies, or difficulties with pregnancies are common in my family. (Maybe the real reason for my extreme fear?) My sister almost died last year after her second c-section.

What are the dangers and risks of c-section?? I've never had a surgery before... not even a simple one... and yes, I'm just all-around clueless.

Thank you again for your kind and reassuring responses. I really, really appreciate it!!!


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## golfergirl

YinPrincess said:


> You ladies are so wonderful and reassuring. Thank you so much. I literally have tears rolling down my cheeks. I am really terrified, and always worried because, unlike my best friend, for example... I never went into babybabybabybabybaby mode. I've never even THOUGHT about it until now. Watch me want a hundred after this.
> 
> Another concern I had, an is a fairly valid fear, is having a surgical birth. My mom had three c-sections, and my sis has had 2. My aunt never had any babies, as she always miscarried. () It seems that abnormal pregnancies, or difficulties with pregnancies are common in my family. (Maybe the real reason for my extreme fear?) My sister almost died last year after her second c-section.
> 
> What are the dangers and risks of c-section?? I've never had a surgery before... not even a simple one... and yes, I'm just all-around clueless.
> 
> Thank you again for your kind and reassuring responses. I really, really appreciate it!!!


Again, talk to your doctor. I'm not sure what happened to your sister, but risks with delivery are quite rare. That said, there are the scary stories out there and the thousands of healthy birth stories pale in comparison to the traumatic ones.
I have 2 groups of kids - 19 and 16 from first H and 3 and 9 months from current H. When we decided to have our family, I got pregnant right away. I started to panic as my older two were almost independent. H said if I wasn't ready we could have an abortion.
I didn't, like HNU, I'm pro-life personally, but respect people's choices. My point in telling you that is that even babies that are longed for and planned for can throw you into a doubtful tizzy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin

Just because other kids annoy you doesn't mean you won't love your own baby. I have friends who have kids that drive me up a wall, but I love my kids fiercely. Stinky diapers and baby puke gross me out, except from my own kids. That was bearable. Things are very different when it comes to your own baby than when it's a baby or child that isn't yours. 

As far as labor and your body...let's see: pooping is rare. It can happen, but it doesn't happen too most women. I wouldn't worry too much about it, and even if it does happen, no one will be paying attention other than to clean it up. Your body...yeah, it'll change. And with exercise and a healthy diet, you can get back to your current body, or at least close to it. Your concerns about sex and your relationship with your husband...valid concerns. Having a baby does change the dynamic of your relationship. But if you talk to your husband, and you guys discuss not only your concerns, but his as well, you can get through the changes with little to no damage to your relationship, and likely even make it better. 

You've stopped drinking, so nothing to worry about there. The smoking can affect the baby's health, so it's good you're trying to stop. Talk to your doctor. While pregnancy does limit drug options, there may be something they can recommend to help make quitting easier for you. 

There are risks with having a c-section, but I think you may be putting the cart before the horse here. Obviously, the women in your family do seem to have difficult pregnancies/deliveries, but that doesn't necessarily mean you will. It is something to tell your doctor about, but I wouldn't worry about it. Just take the pregnancy one day at a time, and as delivery gets closer, talk with your doctor to determine if you are at risk for needing a c-section, and if there's anything you can do to avoid it. Also, if they recommend a c-section, find out why and find out if there are other options that may eliminate the need for a c-section - for example, if the baby is breech, the doctor may immediately recommend a c-section, but depending on the severity of the breech, they can try to turn the baby and induce labor immediately. Do your research so that YOU know your options and don't have to just rely on what they tell you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

There are risks with non-surgical childbirth as well, no IV hooked up and my daughter had shoulder dystocia but my doctor who was not even an OB doctor knew 20 maneuvers to resolve this and got it on the first try. The thing is to study up on C-Section so if it happens you will not be caught unprepared. Have a plan for the likely contingencies. I used a doula because one thing is in hospital there are a lot of perfectly caring people but they are super busy with hospital regulatory have-to stuff so to have a doula to attend to your emotional and minor comfort needs 100% is a wise choice of a way to spend a few hundre dollars


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## 827Aug

You will be fine. Natural instincts will kick in. Do your part to insure a healthy baby and things will be much better for you. By all means stop smoking!

I have had three children (including a set of twins). They were all healthy and full term. Fortunately all were delivered naturally--no drugs. Labor was short; the pain wasn't that bad either. Don't let some of the "horror" stories scare you. You may want to sign up for a lamaze class to help with the anxiety you are having. Those classes cover a lot of territory.

Congrats and good luck!


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## HappyWife40

You may find yourself absolutely amazed at what your body can do. I am usually a big wimp, but after childbirth I felt so powerful. It was like "look what my body can do!" It is truly an amazing experience.

I am with greeneyeddolphin, I love my own kids, but most other children are slightly irritating. My own kids messes are MUCH easier to deal with than other childrens.


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## golfergirl

HappyWife40 said:


> You may find yourself absolutely amazed at what your body can do. I am usually a big wimp, but after childbirth I felt so powerful. It was like "look what my body can do!" It is truly an amazing experience.
> 
> I am with greeneyeddolphin, I love my own kids, but most other children are slightly irritating. My own kids messes are MUCH easier to deal with than other childrens.


I missed that! It's true. I've often sat there muttering 'I HATE kids', but my 4 are little angels! Kissy kissy mommy loves you haha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leahdorus

I remember being very concerned that I wouldn't like being a mother. I figured I would BE a good mom, but would I LIKE being one? Like a few others, I don't really enjoy small kids. I also didn't like the baby stage AT ALL. They really don't do much or give much back until 3 months old, then it starts to get better. So far, my favorite age has been 7-9, LOL. My son is now 10, and still great, but becoming a teen in terms of moods. Not so fun all the time. 

I was 33 when I had my son, and ended up with an emergency C-section. Not a big deal, in the grand scheme of things. So much about the birth process is out of your control - so I just said, give me the drugs and then I didn't really care what happened, as long as the baby was fine. It all worked out fine and everyone was healthy. Don't pay too much attention to other women's birth horror stories - your story will be unique to you.

You will be fine. Your fears are normal, and you will be okay. Yes, some days will be hard. Really hard - and every mom has these days. They will pass and you will be fine.  You may not like your baby every day - it's okay.


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## Anke

At 32 and fresh into a "in between relationship" I became pregnant and felt just like you do now. I was scared out of my mind. I decided to have my child (now 16) after almost getting an abortion - I raised him pretty much on my own - didn't marry the dad for obvious reasons. I was really happy and love my child. Having a child is like nothing you ever experience. I truly can say I found love. 

Don't be afraid - there is help out there you just have to seek it. Talk to your doctor.


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## YinPrincess

Thank you all for contributing your experience and thoughts.. I feel much calmer now even though I just read a bunch of gross stuff that happens when you're pregnant! Holy Pancakes I thought it was supposed to be beautiful!  Luckily, my husband seems to be putting aside whatever fears he has and has been a great comfort to me. I feel fortunate to have that from him, as the majority of our first year together has been scabbles and learning how to deal with one another.  I've come to realize how important and monumental this is.. From having an absolutely bat-crazy paranoia about getting pregnant (him - we even had "baby-free celebrations every month!) to actually telling me he wants this baby, that he wants to be a father and talking about his dreams of encouraging her/him the way he never was, has really made ME want this more! My future fears have always included a disconnect from him, as he has always been the aloof-type. He has gone from a single, lonely, depressed (pill) addict...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

.. He has gone from rock bottom, basically, to being married, living with a woman, sharing his secrets and embracing fatherhood! He's done a complete 180 since I've met him, and I can see this is really something he needs to give direction and purpose in his life. I never really related to how he felt until now I guess. Maybe this baby is "meant to be" on so many levels. My feelings change daily, even hourly, but when my husband talks to and touches my tummy, I know what it is that I want.  On another note - how normal is it to be showing already? I've gained at least 5 lbs despite the fact that my appetite is completely gone. I'm about 8 or 9 weeks and already look 4 months! Is this a sign of serious weight gain to come?? Thank you all again. You've calmed me tremendously!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyWife40

YinPrincess said:


> .. On another note - how normal is it to be showing already? I've gained at least 5 lbs despite the fact that my appetite is completely gone. I'm about 8 or 9 weeks and already look 4 months! Is this a sign of serious weight gain to come?? Thank you all again. You've calmed me tremendously!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kind of a personal question, but have they checked your hCG levels? That might shed some light on things. You are most likely perfectly fine, but if you are concerned, you could have an ultrasound to check things out. Discuss any questions or concerns with your OB (after all, that's what they are there for). They have seen and heard it all, believe me!


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## YinPrincess

No, I have not yet found a doc.. And another blow to us today.. We are "too low income" to qualify for low income assistance to buy a house. We can gather the downpayment and manage payments, but we cannot find a broker who will help us. Because renting is more expensive, payment-wise, we are unable to move. We literally have no room in our current home for a baby. At 450 sq ft, and most of our possessions still in boxes after years we just can't have a baby here. I'm not sure what to do anymore, we are both really down, and I'm realizing if we can't find a way over this obstacle there may not be an alternative to abortion anymore. We've looked into ADDI, Downpayment assistance and Section 8. Nothing is going to change the fact that my husband only makes 5.75 an hour 3 days a week and I haven't been at my job long enough to count (4 months). I'm really discouraged and lost. We can't just sit and cross our fingers, I need some sort of security to do this and right now it's nonexistant. :,,,(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aingnyy

You may find yourself absolutely amazed at what your body can do.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Oh please, I have two grade school kids kids in a 1-bedroom apartment plus dog and cat. Entire families in many countries live in small spaces. You do not need square footage to have a child. You will get tax bennies like earned income credit and child tax credit and that will help. A child needs parents and love not its own room. You will be fine. Just get rid of some of the stuff in some of those boxes if its still in the box probably you don't need it and it can be eBay'd or Craig Listed.


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