# Is this reason to question?



## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

Need some others perspective on this.

She is 29 and I am 25.
Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years and have known each other for a total of 6. Through school too.

I have recently moved out due to lies and something I consider infidelity.

2 weeks into me and my fiancees relationship and ex-boyfriend of hers came back to town. How she found out I have no idea. An ex-boyfriend who left her and didn't say a single word to her for 4 months.

My fiancee was talking to him continuously, actually texting and talking to him at the time more than me. She did not once mention me and did not tell him she was in a relationship.
I know this because the ex-boyfriend somehow found out about me and sent me some proof that my fiancee might be a little sneaky.

She was texting him 10+ times a minute, calling cute names, that she loved him, she wanted to know why he left without a word. So on and so forth.

I confronted her about this and she initially lied about it. She told me she wasn't talking to him. 
So I called her a liar and I showed her the text.

She broke down crying saying not to leave her not to leave her, so on and so forth.

Talking to her now about her actions she tells me, she didn't cheat, she didn't attempt to cheat. What she did was habitual, and she is not sorry for it, she did nothing wrong. She habitually contacted an ex she had not spoken to in 4 months and habitually talked to him the way she did and she habitually lied about it to my face.

If not cheating, I consider this attempting to cheat. 

What do you guys think?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Hmm, she may be trying to get closure if he left with no word BUT inappropriate contact with another man, flirting, etc, especially an ex is not acceptable.
If he hadn't of told you and had encouraged her, what might have happened? She may just be trying to think about life before committing to you, but then she isn't ready to marry. 
She has destroyed your trust regardless and needs to proive to you she wants to work on things. Others will advise but total transparency is needed and you may always have a feeling of distrust. Only you can decide if she has done enough to try again.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I think she will find another way to stay in contact with him... she may not have cheated _yet_,,,


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Hmm, she may be trying to get closure if he left with no word BUT inappropriate contact with another man, flirting, etc, especially an ex is not acceptable.
> If he hadn't of told you and had encouraged her, what might have happened? She may just be trying to think about life before committing to you, but then she isn't ready to marry.
> She has destroyed your trust regardless and needs to proive to you she wants to work on things. Others will advise but total transparency is needed and you may always have a feeling of distrust. Only you can decide if she has done enough to try again.


Well I feel the fact she lied to my face about it was proof enough she wasn't going to tell me. She denied it until I showed her the proof and then she admitted to it saying it was habit... I don't buy that because she didn't see or talk to him for an entire 4 months.

In my mind if she didn't cheat, she was going to or she tried to.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

If that is your deal breaker then yes, you are right to move on without her. Lies are awful in any relationship, and as you are not yet married, you may have dodged the proverbial bullet and saved yourself future grief.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She emotionally cheated on you.
Hadn't you found out about these secretive texts she might have _physically _cheated on you.

The worst part is the she sees nothing wrong in what she did. 
I guess she'll find other ways to stay in contact with him so you need to watch out.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You mean to tell me you moved out over this?????... Nice to see an OP STARTING OUT with his self respect.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Also, she's not over her EX.
Question if it's worth marrying her in the first place.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

jfv said:


> You mean to tell me you moved out over this?????... Nice to see an OP STARTING OUT with his self respect.


I moved out for other things but this was to me just the last straw. 

You did this and show no guilt? No remorse? No apology.

I am just wondering if people see it the same way I do and I am not jumping to a conclusion.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

The way I see it, she has no respect for your relationship. You guys are engaged and she spends time talking to her ex without even mentioning you? 
You are only 25 and have your whole life ahead of you. I would not plan to spend the rest of my life with someone who wants to build a life with me based on lies. 
However, It's easy for me to sit here and say DTB without being in your shoes.
I also think that you did the right thing by moving out and letting her know what a BOSS you are. 
Much Respect!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You are jumping to a conclusion......the right one. And you are responding accodingly. You are well on your way to saving yourself decades of anxiety, disrespect and heartache. Good Work.


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## barcafan (Jul 25, 2012)

Joshy said:


> I moved out for other things but this was to me just the last straw.
> 
> You did this and show no guilt? No remorse? No apology.
> 
> I am just wondering if people see it the same way I do and I am not jumping to a conclusion.


You are jumping to a conclusion, but it is the right one.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

If the EX sent you that she probably did that stuff to him. At least he seemed decent enough warning you of this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She was texting him 10+ times a minute, calling cute names


Not looking too good.

So how many times did she text him?


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Not looking too good.
> 
> So how many times did she text him?


Over 500 text.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Were you the rebound? because it appears as if she hasn't got over her ex


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## mina (Jun 14, 2012)

She is not wife material. Run, run, run away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Joshy said:


> Over 500 text.


And ten times a minute? As I say, not good.

But, having said that, not an irretrievable situation if you both want it and she accepts the wrongness of her actions. And MC/couples counselling, too.


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Were you the rebound? because it appears as if she hasn't got over her ex


I was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Joshy said:


> Need some others perspective on this.
> 
> She is 29 and I am 25.
> Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years and have known each other for a total of 6. Through school too.
> ...


I think she's a habitual cheater. Do not marry her. Move on.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Joshy said:


> I moved out for other things but this was to me just the last straw.
> 
> You did this and show no guilt? No remorse? No apology.
> 
> I am just wondering if people see it the same way I do and I am not jumping to a conclusion.


I feel the same way you do.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Joshy said:


> I was.


If opportunity presents itself, this woman will sleep with him at the drop of a coin. I wouldn't be surprised if she's sleeping with him now that you've moved out. You're going to have deal this baggage for the rest of your relationship if you decide to reconcile. It's harsh to say you're the back up choice but if he reciprocates her feelings, she'll immediatley dump you for him.

Glad you caught this before you tied the knot and had kids involved.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Joshy said:


> 2 weeks into me and my fiancees relationship and ex-boyfriend of hers came back to town. How she found out I have no idea. An ex-boyfriend who left her and didn't say a single word to her for 4 months.


If this happened 3 years ago,what triggered the new dance with the subject..or has it been going on all this time?


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

TBT said:


> If this happened 3 years ago,what triggered the new dance with the subject..or has it been going on all this time?


The ex-boyfriend gave it to me just recently. Why he would hold on to text for so long or why he told me or even took so long to tell me is a mystery to me.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Joshy said:


> The ex-boyfriend gave it to me just recently. Why he would hold on to text for so long or why he told me or even took so long to tell me is a mystery to me.


It could be that he was provoking her and waiting to see how far she would go so that he could tell you what kind of fiance you have.
Maybe she did the same thing to him when they were together and that's why he left without a word.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Wait all of this happened 3 years ago? I thought this was going on only 2 weeks ago.

Joshy, if she's established no contact with him till now, he sounds like he's bitter that she's moved on, that's why he gave you the messages. Your fiancée has moved on and she's with you now.

I read the your post completely wrong, sorry.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Wait all of this happened 3 years ago? I thought this was going on only 2 weeks ago.
> 
> Joshy, if she's established no contact with him till now, he sounds like he's bitter that she's moved on, that's why he gave you the messages. Your fiancée has moved on and she's with you now.
> 
> I read the your post completely wrong, sorry.


Omg. I read it wrong too. I thought he contacted her just recently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If she was texting the guy 2 weeks after meeting you and you were the rebound, what would you expect? It's not like anybody is exclusive two weeks after they first meet. At least no any sane person.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Joshy

Give us the proper timeline and the other reasons you moved out please?

HM64


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Joshy
> 
> Give us the proper timeline and the other reasons you moved out please?
> 
> HM64


:iagree:

What's really going on, Joshy? The more details you give, the more help we can offer.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Joshy said:


> Need some others perspective on this.
> 
> She is 29 and I am 25.
> Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years and have known each other for a total of 6. Through school too.
> ...


So this all happened when you first met...and you have just decided now to leave her after 3 years of being together? Why didn't you leave her back when this happened?


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> So this all happened when you first met...and you have just decided now to leave her after 3 years of being together? Why didn't you leave her back when this happened?


I just found out about this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Joshy said:


> Need some others perspective on this.
> 
> She is 29 and I am 25.
> Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years and have known each other for a total of 6. Through school too.
> ...


You have known her for six years. So you knew her when she was dating this guy and when he left her. And you knew you were the rebound guy.

You have been together three years. How long have you been engaged?

Two weeks into your relationship, probably way before you got engaged, she was still into this guy way more than she was into you. 

It sounds like you were really into her two weeks into your relationship with her, but she wasn't so into you yet and would have dumped you at that time if the ex-bf wanted her back?

How does she feel about you vs. the ex-bf now?

I suspect you still have your doubts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell us, as clearly as you can, why you left your wife? The details, not the edited highlights.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Joshy said:


> Need some others perspective on this.
> 
> She is 29 and I am 25.
> Me and my fiancée have been together for 3 years and have known each other for a total of 6. Through school too.
> ...


When did this happen? recently, or back three years ago?



Joshy said:


> She was texting him 10+ times a minute, calling cute names, that she loved him, she wanted to know why he left without a word. So on and so forth.
> 
> I confronted her about this and she initially lied about it. She told me she wasn't talking to him.
> So I called her a liar and I showed her the text.
> ...


This sounds to me like you already knew about it for years now, and brought it up again to her just recently...



Joshy said:


> If not cheating, I consider this attempting to cheat.
> 
> What do you guys think?


She obviously was not ready to fully commit to you when you were first together. She was on the fence. Probably still loved her ex and wanted to see if he would take her back before she committed to you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Joshy said:


> I just found out about this.


When was the last contact according to this new info from the XBF?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Two weeks into your relationship is barely a relationship, let's face it. She was not commited to you. She was more into him than into you. I don't know the timeline between XBF sudden vanishment and this episode but sure enough she was not over him.
It's somehow understandable as he left with out a word. Beyond how much into him she was still, rejection sucks monkey balls (did I put it right the expression?). Many people (read tons of BSs here) will do no matter what to "undo" the rejection. See? If she was able to win him back rejection "disapear". Pain disapear. Wounded ego heals.

As for why EXBF just recently told this to you? He as an agenda, that's for sure, don't know what. To piss her off, to make you guys break up... who knows. Maybe he heard about her badmothing him, maybe heard about your engagement and he believes she's her "property" and still wants her as back up plan. Do you know about recent contact between them?

It's your call, friend. The fact she refuses to admit wrong doing is not a good sign.


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