# Making Mountains out of Molehills in Relationships



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations...

So I guess my questions are, 

Why do we always tend to make mountains out of molehills? 

Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that? 

Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships? 

Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes?

These may seem like really dumb questions, but I wonder sometimes....If we all put down our worries, and concentrated only on what we can do to better ourselves instead of trying to change other people, wouldn't that lead us one step closer to 
having healthier lives in general?

I don't know if any of you will want to reply to this, but I just want to put it out there. Feel free to put your two cents in.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that?
> 
> Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships?
> 
> Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes?


Well I think it all depends.the only time I think of yesterday or day before that (where its in anyway interupting with living today so to speak) is if its not resolved."no closure" left open ended and or even still ongoing.

Pretty much for me If I do worry? Again its open ended and no closure and again especially if its a repeated "theme" ..like "lied to me again" no "security" wont lie again tomorrow because its a "pattern" with not a lot of time to heal in between..

The 3rd one is not me.I do want to forgive people for mistakes but for reasons as stated above they can sometimes make that far more difficult for you .But forgiving someone is like a breath of fresh air to me a "release" and I want to do it.Its not just for them..actually sometimes it isn't for them at all.You can forgive a dead person as an example.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> These may seem like really dumb questions, but I wonder sometimes....If we all put down our worries, and concentrated only on what we can do to better ourselves instead of trying to change other people, wouldn't that lead us one step closer to
> having healthier lives in general?


I agree but again it depends.Not trying to change someone is rule of thumb the right way to be.But again depending on the circumstances that can mean if they aren't going to change?You may need to distance you self from them or end the relationship in order for you to be able to focus and achieve having a healthy life.And that is a way to "better your self"..

So you would have to give specific examples.Because its not that simple or black and white.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> Why do we always tend to make mountains out of molehills?
> *Firstly this is not a "why do we" question because not everyone does this.
> I will say that when I was miserable towards the end of my marriage that things looked far bigger than I could cope with but the reality was that things actually were huge. Big big problems.
> On an everyday level no I don't turn the small stuff into bug stuff, I just tend to take whatever action is required and move on.*
> ...


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Why do we find it hard to forgive? Mostly because we feel that other people's poor behaviour reflects negatively on us in some fashion. If our husbands/wives do us wrong then we believe ourselves to be at fault for not being more supportive or because we should be smarter than to let him get away with it or that our love was insufficient to change her or that we aren't being good rolemodels. In other words _their_ behaviour causes alot of _self-loathing_ for ourselves.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Why do we find it hard to forgive? Mostly because we feel that other people's poor behaviour reflects negatively on us in some fashion.


No me.At all.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations...
> 
> So I guess my questions are,
> 
> ...


It's been said that a short memory for the bad stuff and a long one for the good things is what makes a marriage last. Your idea is the same principle, just in the future.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Along the lines of dallasapple's first comment, it's very difficult for me to "move on" and forgive and forget when the issue never gets resolved...when it gets swept under the rug, when my feelings are invalidated frequently. It's little hurts that add up to one big one eventually...a dismissal of my opinion about something that affects me as much as him, a cold shoulder lasting days that ends abruptly with no explanation, a unilateral change in pre-marital decisions such as how many children to have, constant walking on eggshells to ward off angry outbursts over trivial matters. Then when trying to discuss the issue immediately, I'm told to stop taking things so personally...everyone has a bad day...if I try to bring it up later, I'm accused of holding grudges for every little thing. 

For me, this is why it's hard to let go of yesterday and just be happy with today, to just forgive and forget...because to forgive someone for past hurts, it sure as heck would make it much easier if that person would meet half way and acknowledge their contribution to the problem.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Well I think it all depends.*the only time I think of yesterday or day before that (where its in anyway interupting with living today so to speak) is if its not resolved."no closure" left open ended and or even still ongoing.*
> 
> Pretty much for me *If I do worry? Again its open ended and no closure and again especially if its a repeated "theme" .*.like "lied to me again" no "security" wont lie again tomorrow because its a "pattern" with not a lot of time to heal in between..
> 
> The 3rd one is not me.I do want to forgive people for mistakes but *for reasons as stated above they can sometimes make that far more difficult* for you .But forgiving someone is like a breath of fresh air to me a "release" and I want to do it.Its not just for them..actually sometimes it isn't for them at all.You can forgive a dead person as an example.


I quoted this because I think she says it better than I can. I agree with what I have emboldened. It is the open-ended, no-closure issues which make it so difficult to heal and move forward. My belief is, they know and have experienced this. It is done intentionally. If not, and they once truly loved you and wanted to forgive and be forgiven, they would provide their story, problem or reason. I have not figured out how to forgive when the issues remain.


Edit: I have added this quote from Waking up to life because I agree with this part:


"For me, this is why it's hard to let go of yesterday and just be happy with today, to just forgive and forget...because to forgive someone for past hurts, it sure as heck would make it much easier if that person would meet half way and acknowledge their contribution to the problem."


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations...
> 
> So I guess my questions are,
> 
> ...



We don't HAVE to do any of that. I am convinced that the secret to happiness and contentment is in the "letting go". It is also in living for today, and planning for tomorrow. I think a long time ago, I quit wishing and wondering and hoping and worrying.... especially when it comes to relationships but really, in alot of aspects of life. 

I think we can make a choice. To either wallow, or to forge ahead.... and if you can get past the past.... THEN you get to coast. 

A few tips... daily inspirations (yay for the internet!), old sayings such as "Count your blessings" etc... there are tons. Find a "mantra"... at one of my hardest times my mantra was that little mole/groundhog thing from Caddyshack singing "I'm alright, nobody worry 'bout me". That was me, finding my own way in spite of some real crap around me. 

My point is....it is within you... find it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I quoted this because I think she says it better than I can. I agree with what I have emboldened. It is the open-ended, no-closure issues which make it so difficult to heal and move forward. My belief is, they know and have experienced this. It is done intentionally. If not, and they once truly loved you and wanted to forgive and be forgiven, they would provide their story, problem or reason. I have not figured out how to forgive when the issues remain.
> 
> 
> Edit: I have added this quote from Waking up to life because I agree with this part:
> ...



That's so sweet of you to say..but I suspect you could have said it just as well..I have met many "wise" people who view things this way or better yet have figured this out.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I wasn't necessarily trying to put all people in one box in this thread. I was just questioning some things that I have not been able to get my finger on. I myself do not want to worry about things that I cannot control anymore. I want to love life despite any bad experiences I have to face. 

I know that life isn't that black and white. But honestly, I find myself thinking black and white a lot now. I don't want to let emotion and trials in my life take over how I live my life. I'm just fed up with the petty things that influence me to create mountains out of molehills. 

When I was a teenager I was the type of person who was easy to forgive and I never held grudges either. I guess I just want to go back to that state of mind. It is more liberating than how I live now. Back then I lived for the day mostly. I enjoyed what life offered for that day. I always used to let go of past things. Now I struggle each day to let go of things that people have done to hurt me (non intentional or intentional).

I guess that's part of what adult life is about. It's a test.


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## Furious George (Nov 14, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations...
> 
> So I guess my questions are,
> 
> ...


In my own personal experience regarding forgiveness, the subject never requested it. Some people can grant it even when it's not requested. I'm not one of those people.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

something else...there are a lot of books out there that try to help with what you are getting at. Books and ways of thinking that teach you how to stay "in the now" and in a state of gratefulness. Forgiveness of yourself and others tends to happen easier when you stay "in the now" as well, because whatever conflicts happened, they aren't happening "now". When you get the hang of this, it is easier to stop using things that happened in the past against yourself in your own mind.

Depending on how "deep" you want to get, there are many things out there. It is kind of like a rabbit hole or the matrix, once you start reading up on what exactly is "in the now". Good stuff.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

i prefer the incomprable simplicity of the lyric to "mr brownstone":

And i don't worry about nothin', no
Because worryin's a waste of my
Time

QFT.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> I've been through a lot the past 5 years. Events and emotions that would test the fiber of who I am, make me challenge myself in ways I never had before. I would say these things were mountains not molehills, but how I deal with issues big and small is by keeping my perspective.
> 
> Through the worst time in my life I kept my perspective by thinking of a couple that are dear to my heart. This couple has buried ALL of their children. They are in their 80's now, their 4 children did not die all at once. They died for different reasons, 2 suffered long illnesses aquired in their 30's and died years later after much suffering, one died in an accident in his teens. One died in his 50's. They are the most openly loving and gracious people I have ever met in my life.
> 
> ...



You know it's stories like yours and your friends that really help me to see things more clearly and appreciate what I have. Sometimes when I get caught up in my own little world, it's hard for me to see that there is always worse that can happen.

I've been through a few things this year that have really tested my strength. Not nearly as hard as what your friends have been through, and I pray to God that I never have to see my children go before me. But enough to make me question people and myself. 

As it stands right now, I ask myself every day if I'm even capable of accomplishing difficult things anymore. I used to have so much drive to succeed no matter what, and I used to ignore anyone who had anything bad to say about me. I would "brush it off" and I had tunnel vision to achieve what I wanted to. I feel so different now. 

I guess a lot of why I am searching for answers is because I feel like I'm not capable of enduring what life has to throw at me anymore. And I don't know how to bring my drive back. 

My H and I have some major marital issues the past year that caused me to leave him. We did manage to get passed it all and start new. Which is a blessing. But when I returned to college to finish the school that I had postponed, I ended up having to drop out because I was not mentally prepared for the abuse that the instructors threw at me. I feel like a different person now, and I think that's why I couldn't manage it all. I feel like I'm on the edge all of the time now, and it's really getting to me. 

But thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really do appreciate all the help I can get..the more positivity I can see and hear, the better.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I find that sometimes people let resentments build. So what used to be a molehill, becomes a mountain. Open communication is key. Talk to your spouse for an hour a day. Really talk about issues, problems, worries, concerns and don't let them fester. Once they get so big, neither one has the emotional strength to climb that mountain of misery.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It has been said that the source of conflict for all of humanity can be directly related to judgement.

Right or wrong
Ugly or beautiful
Good or bad
Point of view. And defending it. 
Wars. Personal, political, and internal.

Deep answer to a simple question. Easy to quote, difficult to do.
But very thought provoking post.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> something else...there are a lot of books out there that try to help with what you are getting at. Books and ways of thinking that teach you how to stay "in the now" and in a state of gratefulness. Forgiveness of yourself and others tends to happen easier when you stay "in the now" as well, because whatever conflicts happened, they aren't happening "now". When you get the hang of this, it is easier to stop using things that happened in the past against yourself in your own mind.
> 
> Depending on how "deep" you want to get, there are many things out there. It is kind of like a rabbit hole or the matrix, once you start reading up on what exactly is "in the now". Good stuff.


Sounds like a good place for me to start. I'm definitely needing some direction because I have so many questions that are just swimming in my head, and a lot of hurt that I know I haven't dealt with entirely well....so now it's all creeping up on me and taking a toll on how I'm dealing with life now.... I want to find out how I can stay in a good place spiritually and emotionally to prevent a meltdown


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

scatty said:


> I find that sometimes people let resentments build. So what used to be a molehill, becomes a mountain. Open communication is key. Talk to your spouse for an hour a day. Really talk about issues, problems, worries, concerns and don't let them fester. Once they get so big, neither one has the emotional strength to climb that mountain of misery.


I agree. I think that there is a lot that I don't talk about with my H to try and prevent confrontation, and it just makes things worse for me in the end


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