# Wow.. What A Crazy Ride



## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

I think this is my first time posting in the infidelity section.
though it shouldn't be, since i've been having an affair for over a year
I don't know if i am posting to reconcile, get advice, vent. But please bare with me. I know it'll be alot to read. sorry.

I used to post last year, not sure of exactly when i stopped, under the name "floxie". I got pretty angry with the board not *this* board exactly, but you know, the board.... on a whole. I was attacked pretty badly,some warranted, some not. But a lot of it was non-constructive insults, i really hope it doesn't go down that road again. My husband posted here too, though i'm not sure when or under what name.

I guess i should give some back story.
I suppose the main thing to do is to just be honest with you all.

I got sick in 2011, very sick. I had an awful drug reaction to an antibiotic called "cipro". There's actually a name for the reaction that I, and thousands of others have had, to this drug. It's called getting floxed. At least that's what we call it in my support group. Basically you get f*cked up. That's the nice way to put it. 

Prior to taking it, i was totally healthy, hadn't been to a dr in years, literally. I took no medicines, i had never even heard of some of the things i ended up being diagnosed with after taking that drug. But after taking just a few pills, i ended up in the hospital.

I fainted because my heart was not beating rhythmically. While i was there and throughout the months, i was diagnosed with an array of illnesses. Peripheral neuropathy ( i experienced a persistent burning feeling in my arms and legs), tendonitis and muscle wasting( i was confined to a wheelchair for some time, then a walker, then leg braces and a cane) gastritis and acid reflux ( caused severe weight loss and damage to my nasal passages as the acid was apparently getting into my nasal cavity and throat), depression (self explanatory), a heart murmur, ibs (alternating diarrhea, constipation and chronic stomach pains), hair loss and damage to my back teeth from the acid.

Basically, i was utterly f'cked up.

And my husband responded terribly to it all.

The first time i went to the hospital, he was removed by a nurse for badgering me to tears ( calling me a hypochondriac, etc). Home was much worse, i was ignored when trying to discuss my illnesses, told i was over reacting, over the top. I was teased for calling my mom and father. He refused to cook for me much anymore, saying my new diet was too "special". Said i didn't have sex often enough. That i looked "rough". Basically, i felt totally bullied, and betrayed.

Long story short (well not very long story), an ex boyfriend ended up finding out about my illness and that is where the affair started.

An emotional affair.

I confided in him about everything, my health, illness, husband issues, regrets, depression. Everything.
And i fell in love with him (at least i thought), and further out of love with my husband.

The sex life with my husband went from bad to worse. Before my EA, i could at least tolerate sex with my husband, i didn't orgasm, enjoy it, or even like my husband because i felt he was using me, but i tolerated it. We had no extended dry spells while i was sick, sex at least twice a month I'd say. 

During my EA, i found my husband to be repulsive sexually.I just thought yuck, yuck, yuck when he wanted to be intimate with me. Everything about him actively turned me off.I was sincerely grossed out by the thought. Feelings that i was a prostitute, and he was some icky, gross john. 

moving along and over $10,000 spent in tests, procedures and medications

I'm doing much better :smthumbup:

Neuropathy: gone
Tendonitis and muscle wasting: gone
acid reflux and gastritis: gone
heart murmurt : yay, gone :smthumbup:
hair loss: gone (well, i mean my hair has grown back lol)
ibs : still here  BUT being treated
depression and ptsd : still here but not nearly as bad

now, i'm not perfectly healthy by ANY means, and it's highly unlikely that i will ever be again. But i'm able to live my life, wear high heels, do my hair (yes *MY* hair lol), dance, and sing and model again. :smthumbup:

BUT

My husband and my ex (let's call him L)

I have fallen for my husband again, i really have. I love him and I even think i am falling back *in love* with him. I can have sex with him non coerced, and i even orgasm sometimes. I still recoil at his touch sometimes but I'm working on that. I still feel myself getting angry at him sometimes, i don't know what triggers it, usually being in contact with my support group, and i end up shutting down towards him and yes, calling L to chat even. 

About L, I love him but I'm not in love with him. I don't know if i ever was or maybe i was. I don't know. But i do know that i appreciate him. I honestly believe i would have committed suicide without him. And i love him for saving my life. That is how i feel about him, even typing this now makes me tear up. But it is different now. I'm better, and i realize that we don't share much outside of my illness. He's a nice guy, he truly is. But we're different, in different places.I don't want to be with him.

My husband knows all about L, even showed up when me and L were out having brunch (yeah, we did that). Obviously, my husband is not a fan of him.

Now, i feel like i don't know what to do from here. I love my husband, but i feel like i can't trust him.What if i got sick again... would it all come crashing down *again*? I feel fearful to put my all back into this (my husband also cheated while i was sick and having my EA but truthfully i didn't care one iota then and surprisingly i still don't). Just so much has happened.

And L, i genuinely enjoy his friendship. And i feel..... scared to give it up. Outside of my husband, he is my only friend, the few i had abandoned me while i was going through my roughest.

So much has happened... where do we go from here?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Simple: drop L like a greased bowling ball and go to MC with your H.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Simple: drop L like a greased bowling ball and go to MC with your H.


as you can imagine (well maybe you can't imagine lol) dropping L is a whole lot easier said than done

I've actually said to myself, "you're not going to talk to L" and what happens a few days/weeks later? yep, i end up calling or texting him.

it's usually triggered by me* feeling* like i can't talk to my husband about something. Feeling being emphasized because my feeling is probably not accurate all the time.But if he seems uninterested in what i have to say even for a moment, i get a flashback to me begging and bawling on the ground for him to look at me and him playing his x-box. then i think, L will listen to me. and then I'm calling him. bad cycle 

or being on my support group with all the supportive husbands, that can set me off. then i'm calling L

about mc: my husband has been going to my ptsd sessions with me and the counselor has touched on the marriage somewhat and feels i need to get the ptsd under contro lfirst before we move to mc.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

You go to a mental institution - that's where I suggest you go. You are a sick woman. Look at your behavior...end of story.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

cj9947 said:


> You go to a mental institution - that's where I suggest you go. You are a sick woman. Look at your behavior...end of story.


helpful....


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

cj9947 said:


> You go to a mental institution - that's where I suggest you go. You are a sick woman. Look at your behavior...end of story.


Oh give me a break. She is down right mild compared to the cheating @ssholes that come on here...or the stories about cheating we hear about. Stop being a jerk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> Oh give me a break. She is down right mild compared to the cheating @ssholes that come on here...or the stories about cheating we hear about. Stop being a jerk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks lisa  I know there are a lot of betrayed people here so i suppose *some* backlash is expected. but nasty comments with no helpful advice is just unnecessary. let's keep the bullying in grade school :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you've come along way. keep going and explain how you felt to your husband about his lack of concern when you was sick.

tell him in a nonthreating way while at your pts sessions.

but remeber we are only hearing your side of the story...I wonder what his side would sound like. just as you feel hurt about his lack of empathy/concern I sure he has issue about you that you are unaware of.

and whats up with the sex thing. maybe he realises that you never really enjoyed it and was frustrate as to why. have you ever told him you wern't enjoying it or having orgasms. or showed him what you like in regards to sex?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> as you can imagine (well maybe you can't imagine lol) dropping L is a whole lot easier said than done
> 
> I've actually said to myself, "you're not going to talk to L" and what happens a few days/weeks later? yep, i end up calling or texting him.
> 
> ...


You are perfectlky aware of the need to break that cycle. It's about will power, self respect, empathy and concern. Ask that PSTD IC for tools/tips to break the compulsion because it's what it is, a compulsion only very damaging for yourself and of course for your marriage.
Do you realize the paradox? OM now is not "safe", your husband is!

Soooo is now your husband involved in your recovery? I hope you don't mind you pass him my message: Well done dude! :smthumbup:

so_floxed/floxie, do you realize the effort required to change from being an a&&hole to a supportive husband? Do you realize the strenght required to do it while your wife is deeply in love and actively cheating with another man and repulsed by you? Do you realize OM is perfectly aware he's helping you to finnaly destroy your marriage, helping you at being a cheater, to disresepect yourself?

Maybe writing this as a mantra/reminder migh help you to avoid the jerknee reaction to call OM, beyond blocking him from all your comunication devices and the usual physical blocks).
Let go the anger, let go.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Deleted last cuz I wrote improperly.

Have you thought about asking your husband for an open marriage? I mean, if he sees you and L out to lunch and knows all about him but doesn't hold your feet to the fire...sounds like he enjoys L taking time with you too. Wonder what he's doing on the side?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Obviously this woman did the wrong thing by cheating on her husband with an ex BF. But I do have sympathy for her. Her husband was a royal ass. Technically the affair is 100% on Floxed and her husband has zero responsibility for her decision to cheat. But...I sometimes REALLY struggle with situations such as these.

If the husband is not technically at fault, he is DEFINITELY an enabler of the affair. By emotionally abandoning her during her greatest time of need plus the abuse that he heaped upon her, he PUSHED her into the arms of another man. He might as well have dialed the Ex's number and told him to come over and bang his wife any time the Ex BF pleased. 

This all assumes that the OP's story is accurate. And this situation dovetails with my thread where I stated that certain people are prone to being cheated on.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> you've come along way. keep going and explain how you felt to your husband about his lack of concern when you was sick.
> 
> tell him in a nonthreating way while at your pts sessions.
> 
> ...


My husband knows very well how i felt about his lack of concern. If we talked about *anything*, we've talked about *that*. Talked it to death really  And it helped so much. I think if we didn't i wouldn't be feeling these lovey feelings for him, you know?

he posted on here somewhere with his side. I will ask what his username was when he gets back from work :smthumbup:

about the sex thing, i think I explained wrong  I enjoyed sex with him (for the most part) prior to getting sick. we had a pretty active sex life and i orgasmed a good enough amount of time. But *after* getting sick it became tolerable but not pleasant and *during *my EA, it became outright repulsive. There was about a 6 month gap between getting sick and starting EA.

our sex life now, is hit or miss. sometimes i recoil from his touch (not intentionally of course) and i have to gather myself mentally to go through with it. And sometimes i'm jumping on him to get some lol.

We have learned some new oral sex techniques that have made him so much better in bed for me. Actually learned it from someone on the board. That helped alot :smthumbup:


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Deleted last cuz I wrote improperly.
> 
> Have you thought about asking your husband for an open marriage? I mean, if he sees you and L out to lunch and knows all about him but doesn't hold your feet to the fire...sounds like he enjoys L taking time with you too. Wonder what he's doing on the side?


who know's what he's doing on the side :scratchhead:
I believe nothing, we're totally open now with phone and email.
but you know what's funny, maybe sad? 
ever since getting sick, treated like crap, me having an ea, him having some sort of A. I don't know if his was physical or only emotional.
I'm not as, i don't know, possessive of him?
that's probably not good.

I won't say he hasn't been holding my feet to the fire though, he has, but with some hesitation i suppose. because of the role he feel he played I think.

Being in an open marriage is not for me.
I know, probably sounds laughable....


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

Acabado said:


> You are perfectlky aware of the need to break that cycle. It's about will power, self respect, empathy and concern. Ask that PSTD IC for tools/tips to break the compulsion because it's what it is, a compulsion only very damaging for yourself and of course for your marriage.
> Do you realize the paradox? OM now is not "safe", your husband is!
> 
> Soooo is now your husband involved in your recovery? I hope you don't mind you pass him my message: Well done dude! :smthumbup:
> ...


I know i need to break the cycle, and i feel so discouraged when i break down and call him. Or he texts me and i can't help but respond. It does feel like a compulsion where my husband is the unsafe one and he is safe. I almost am expecting perfection my husband. But that's not logical is it? Nobody's perfect. I'm surely not.

But i can be triggered in an instant, *feeling* ignored, unwanted, boring or whatever. And then i think, HA,that's the real you coming back, jerk! Of course he could just be watching a game, have another fleeting thought. But all it takes is a second to put me back there. Then I'm mad 

My husband is so much more involved in my recovery, so much more understanding of me and my limits, tells me to rest or take it easy when he thinks i need it. Doesn't even mind if i go around looking rough for a few days lol.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the why and how's of what caused him to treat me like that. That still makes me sad you know? That he could.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

so_floxed said:


> Thanks lisa  I know there are a lot of betrayed people here so i suppose *some* backlash is expected. but nasty comments with no helpful advice is just unnecessary. let's keep the bullying in grade school :smthumbup:


Face the facts-you are not here looking for advice. You are here looking for someone to validate and enable your behavior.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

F-102 said:


> Face the facts-you are not here looking for advice. You are here looking for someone to validate and enable your behavior.


i know  and since you can't do that, why don't you just scoot along:smthumbup:


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> who know's what he's doing on the side :scratchhead:
> I believe nothing, we're totally open now with phone and email.
> but you know what's funny, maybe sad?
> ever since getting sick, treated like crap, me having an ea, him having some sort of A. I don't know if his was physical or only emotional.
> ...


LOL....of _course_ you're not "possessive" of him. You're having an affair! :rofl:

Look, if you don't even know what kind of an affair he had, if he even really had one, how can you say you guys are totally open? I mean, sorry to sound like a jerk, but...quack quack.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> LOL....of _course_ you're not "possessive" of him. You're having an affair! :rofl:
> 
> Look, if you don't even know what kind of an affair he had, if he even really had one, how can you say you guys are totally open? I mean, sorry to sound like a jerk, but...quack quack.


yeah, i suppose that would throw quite a wrench in the possessive feeling huh? makes sense

he say's it was only a *emotional* affair, but given his history with women i just find that very hard to believe. truthfully though, i don't wanna know if it was ea or pa at this point. I just don't care...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

so_floxed you need to stop giving yourself excuses. That's it. You know they are excuses.
If you get triggered you call a famale friend from your support group. Period.
Start caring, friend. And I'm not talking about your husband, you should if you want to stay marriad to him, but about you.
You have this behavior of calling your BFF/OM "normalized". WTF, Get angry! At yourself. A little self respect for heaven's sake. Regardless the marriage. Wake up once for all.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

Acabado said:


> so_floxed you need to stop giving yourself excuses. That's it. You know they are excuses.
> If you get triggered you call a famale friend from your support group. Period.
> Start caring, friend. And I'm not talking about your husband, you should if you want to stay marriad to him, but about you.
> You have this behavior of calling your BFF/OM "normalized". WTF, Get angry! At yourself. A little self respect for heaven's sake. Regardless the marriage. Wake up once for all.


I know  And it sounds pathetic right? I'm a married woman with a "friend". Sounds so trashy. And yet here i am. A yearish in. I have decided to stop contacting him (again) and I do hope it will stick this time. I don't have the numbers of anyone in my support group. It's an online Facebook group. 

One thing i have been thinking of is telling my husband when i get the urge to call, like hey, i feel like i want to call L. I don't know how that would go over though? Probably would make him angry, but it would be awesome if instead it became a way for us to talk about why i want to call him. Sort of like a talking me off the ledge. Know what i mean?

It would be so awesome if you all could actually go and "like" the page, it's called : Fluoroquinolone Antibiotic Toxicity. Could totally save a life, maybe someone in your own family :smthumbup:And the people there need all the support they can get especially from folks that haven't been affected. Having sick people believe you is one thing, having healthy people believe you is even better. I would so appreciate it you guys!


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I remember you husband's thread, to be fair to him he did take total responsibility for how he acted when you were ill and needed him.
I wonder if part of the problem is L was your emotional crutch when you needed one the most, it was L who took your illness seriously and didn't brush it off while your husband was emotionally abusive. 
While I realize that the though of letting go of L is won't be easy (he was the one who proved he could be depended on during your illness) having him in the picture will only keep your husband apart, your husband can't get close to you while L is standing in the way.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

so_floxed said:


> I know  And it sounds pathetic right? I'm a married woman with a "friend". Sounds so trashy. And yet here i am. A yearish in. I have decided to stop contacting him (again) and I do hope it will stick this time. I don't have the numbers of anyone in my support group. It's an online Facebook group.
> 
> One thing i have been thinking of is telling my husband when i get the urge to call, like hey, i feel like i want to call L. I don't know how that would go over though? Probably would make him angry, but it would be awesome if instead it became a way for us to talk about why i want to call him. Sort of like a talking me off the ledge. Know what i mean?
> 
> It would be fantastic if you all could actually go and "like" the page, it's called : Fluoroquinolone Antibiotic Toxicity. Could totally save a life :smthumbup:And the people there need all the support they can get especially from folks that haven't been affected.


So, talk to your H, and ask him, without him flying off the handle or being judgmental, to be your "sponsor", like they do in 12-step programs. Whenever you have the urge to call L, talk to your H instead, tell him that you are in danger of relapsing. And like a good "sponsor", he will help you to back away from relapsing. If he wants to save the marriage, he should be more than willing to do so.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

TiggyBlue said:


> I remember you husband's thread, to be fair to him he did take total responsibility for how he acted when you were ill and needed him.
> I wonder if part of the problem is L was your emotional crutch when you needed one the most, it was L who took your illness seriously and didn't brush it off while your husband was emotionally abusive.
> While I realize that the though of letting go of L is won't be easy (he was the one who proved he could be depended on during your illness) having him in the picture will only keep your husband apart, your husband can't get close to you while L is standing in the way.


I can believe that, he takes total responsibility to me too! I soooo appreciate and respect that from him :smthumbup:. Makes being mad at him a whole lot harder when he's so humble, and makes me feel even worse  I don't believe I have been as humble as him, willing to totally accept the blame for the choices i've made.

I suppose I'm still thinking (maybe subconsciouly) "if he hadn't or had done xyz, i wouldn't have done abc." But that's not very productive is it and it keeps us and me, stuck. 

I know everybody says you should just divorce, but when you can't walk or eat normally. That's hard. You're just trying to keep your feet on the ground and a gun out of your hand.

I hope i don't seem like i'm rambling or being all over the place lol. I'm just typing what i'm thinking. I appreciate the *constructive* criticism, helps me get my thoughts out


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

F-102 said:


> So, talk to your H, and ask him, without him flying off the handle or being judgmental, to be your "sponsor", like they do in 12-step programs. Whenever you have the urge to call L, talk to your H instead, tell him that you are in danger of relapsing. And like a good "sponsor", he will help you to back away from relapsing. If he wants to save the marriage, he should be more than willing to do so.


I think that's what I will do. I think I'll bring it up in my session tomorrow. We go twice a week for counseling, well I go twice and he comes once. I think it could be a good idea, I also think it could totally backfire. But it couldn't hurt (any worse) to try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Actually I posted in your H's thread(shockandawe or something like that). I think you should separate from him. Do you really want to be with him or is he just bearable and a habit that you got used to?

While I don't think he deserved an affair, he does not deserve this marriage. He knew you were disgusted with him and his touch, yet all he still wanted to get off somehow. That guy had no respect for you or him.

How old are you guys ?

*Edit:



my husband also cheated while i was sick and having my EA

Click to expand...

*
How did I miss this ? L sounds the better man than your H. He helped you through a tough time in your life when your H ran away and cheated on you. Now that you are ok again, he wants you again. I mean look at his posts.


I mean, look at his posts 



> We are having sex, about once a week, maybe every 10 days or so? always on my initiation. and it's a quickie. every.single.time





> I have tried to stop initiating, but it's really difficult. I am so attracted to her and even more now that she's been acting a little nicer towards me. I end up feeling grumpy when i haven't been able to be with her sexually for too many days. I know thats a problem and something I've got to work on.





> I am willing to forgoe sex if it is absolutely neccesary, but that will be a challenge for me, my wife has the body of a model (she did model!) I am very attracted to her, and connect with her emotinally through intimacy. I think that was part of my issue, there was no intmacy when she gotsick, and I desired that intimacy to connect with her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Here is his thread . His handle is 'shocknawe'

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/55543-getting-my-wife-out-emotional-affair.html


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey So Floxed---what were you taking the cipro for

My wife occassionally gets urinary tract infections, and was put on septra----she had a terrible reaction to the septra, so dr. put her on cipro---she has no problems, with the cipro---they are both antibiotics, did you finally get your medication problems figured out


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Also, why do you have the cipro pics as your profile picture ?


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

So. When the going got tough your husband deserted you. And then you got emotionally attached to someone because they were there for you through this horrible time. 

Now that you're better, you've dumped L and magically you love your husband and he loves you? 

Are you sure you genuinely love your husband? It seems as if you're unsure of what exactly you want. Do you still talk to L? 

I suggest MC for you and your partner.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

so_floxed said:


> as you can imagine (well maybe you can't imagine lol) dropping L is a whole lot easier said than done
> 
> I've actually said to myself, "you're not going to talk to L" and what happens a few days/weeks later? yep, i end up calling or texting him.
> 
> ...


If you haven't realized this, you are using L as an emotional tampon. Going to him whenever your H is ignoring you..

What was/is the nature of your relationship with L. Sexual, emotional or you just an emotional punchbag ? Does he want to get back with you ?


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Totally forgot the rest of the stuff he said in that thread


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Not sure if it really matters but why did you get banned so floxed?


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey So Floxed---what were you taking the cipro for
> 
> My wife occassionally gets urinary tract infections, and was put on septra----she had a terrible reaction to the septra, so dr. put her on cipro---she has no problems, with the cipro---they are both antibiotics, did you finally get your medication problems figured out


I was taking the cipro for a kidney infection. I'm so glad she hasn't had an issue with the cipro. But i'd really advise you to be weary of her taking it again. Quite a few people in my support group had taken it before with me no problem and then they take it another time and things come crashing down. Another thing is I didn't start having symptoms until the day after I stopped taking, that's true for many people in my group as well. Please keep an eye on her, if she starts compaling of tendon pain or headaches, anything like that, have her STOP taking. There are many drugs that can be used to treat UTI's that don't have BLACK BOX warning for causing tendon rupture and cardiac arrythymias.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Also, why do you have the cipro pics as your profile picture ?


Lol, those aren't the exact cipro pills I took. But I have them there are so of a warning I suppose. So people know what they look like
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> So. When the going got tough your husband deserted you. And then you got emotionally attached to someone because they were there for you through this horrible time.
> 
> Now that you're better, you've dumped L and magically you love your husband and he loves you?
> 
> ...


Thank's for the good luck! I need all the luck I can get I think lol. My husband did dessert me while I was ill, but I realy think a lot of issues played into it. Past problems in out relationship (pre-marriage), being caught off guard and I really think he was angry with me or resenting something about me BEFORE I got sick ad it carried over to treating my badly while I was sick.

I wouldn't say I've dumped L, I still talk to him fairy regulary, certainly too regularly for a married woman.
I do love my husband, and I believe he loves me too. I don't think we ever stopped loving each other, but the love was buried deep underneath piles of crap. 

I don't know exactly what it is I want, but I think if I could have the perfect "after sickness" life, it would certainly include my husband. And he would be there for me if the chips ever fell down again. And L would be gone, except for maybe a "hey, how have things been" a couple of times a year
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> If you haven't realized this, you are using L as an emotional tampon. Going to him whenever your H is ignoring you..
> 
> What was/is the nature of your relationship with L. Sexual, emotional or you just an emotional punchbag ? Does he want to get back with you ?


Yeah I know I am, it started when I was sick and felt I needed him and has continued into this though of "well if my husband won't do it, L will". He's like my captain-save-a-chick or something.

I would say it's an emotional affair with a sexual undercurrent, if that makes sense, but that's significantly lessened now. I have a thing for him, in the sexual sense. But I haven't been physical with him, outside of a hug. Which isn't to say I didn't want to while I was sick, I did want to sleep with him, but I was honestly to sick to do it lol. In leg braces trying to get down all hot and heavy. With my husband all I had to do was show up. I think the main thing I found so sexually appealing washis compassion toward me. It got my girly parts very interested in him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> Not sure if it really matters but why did you get banned so floxed?


I think I was banned for kinda going on a bit of a mean comment spree. I was upset because someone had totally attacked me, called my illness fake etc. It hurt my feelings and I guess I responded in kind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> It got my girly parts very interested in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jesus Christ...really?!!?

You lol at your husband seeing you out to brunch with the OM and now you talk about your girly parts feelings. The Doc website is no more. For the love of all that is holy don't turn this into a trash site talking about crap like this.

Do you wanna fix your f'ng marriage or what? If so, great let's try to figure that out. If you wanna talk about how the OM gets you hot and bothered, I'd suggest another site...there are plenty out there that get off on this sh-t.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Jesus Christ...really?!!?
> 
> You lol at your husband seeing you out to brunch with the OM and now you talk about your girly parts feelings. The Doc website is no more. For the love of all that is holy don't turn this into a trash site talking about crap like this.
> 
> Do you wanna fix your f'ng marriage or what? If so, great let's try to figure that out. If you wanna talk about how the OM gets you hot and bothered, I'd suggest another site...there are plenty out there that get off on this sh-t.


I'm not in your marriage SomedayDig. I haven't cheated on you. It would be so awesome if you could communicate without all the bitterness, name calling and swear words. We're all big boys and girl here, so I think we all have the ability to communicate effectively and rationally, don't you?

I'm being honest with MY feelings. If those feelings are making you feel trashy, etc. You are free to stop reading, because although I appreciate the advice you've given to others. It seems that you'd like to use me as your emotional punching bag for some pent up aggression, and that just doesn't work for me. 

I would love to figure out how to fix my marriage, that's why I'm here  and fixing it inludes being as honest as I can with you all, and with myself. If I can't do that, there's no point in posting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

so_floxed said:


> Yeah I know I am, it started when I was sick and felt I needed him and has continued into this though of "well if my husband won't do it, L will". He's like my captain-save-a-chick or something.
> 
> I would say it's an emotional affair with a sexual undercurrent, if that makes sense, but that's significantly lessened now. I have a thing for him, in the sexual sense. But I haven't been physical with him, outside of a hug. Which isn't to say I didn't want to while I was sick, I did want to sleep with him, but I was honestly to sick to do it lol. In leg braces trying to get down all hot and heavy. With my husband all I had to do was show up. I think the main thing I found so sexually appealing washis compassion toward me. It got my girly parts very interested in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You want constructive advice but a little some common sense from your side will help. This is a forum of people who are betrayed by their loved ones.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You want constructive advice but a little some common sense from your side will help. This is a forum of people who are betrayed by their loved ones.


But I can't pretend that I didn't have those thoughts or feelings for the benefit of betrayed spouses that I don't even know. There really is only one betrayed spouse that I'm concerned with and that is my husband. He deserves my honesty and I deserve it too. The only way I can work through my issues is to talk them out genuinely, not sugar coat them so someone else doesn't get their feelings. That's counter productive to me and my marriage. I'm simply not doing that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> I'm not in your marriage SomedayDig. I haven't cheated on you. It would be so awesome if you could communicate without all the bitterness, name calling and swear words. We're all big boys and girl here, so I think we all have the ability to communicate effectively and rationally, don't you?
> 
> *Spoken like a typical wayward spouse. Immediately calling me "bitter" when it's not bitterness...it's called honesty. And show me where I've called you names, as well. Communicating effectively is what this is about. What I see is a selfish person who's trying to justify their feelings and get others to buy into it. I'm not buying. Sorry. If that makes you want to call me bitter...well, I'd say that's par for the course and directly from the cheater's script.*
> 
> ...


If you would love to figure out how to fix things, why not drop the romanticizing bs about L and focus on your husband? Oh, I know, I know...he abandoned you and whatnot when you were sick. Well, if you claim to want to fix things, maybe forgiving him and not bringing it up is a start. Right after you stop talking to your boyfriend, though. It's kinda tough to figure out a marriage when there's another person in the mix.

I'll leave now. No need in wasting my energy trying to break you out of your fog. Good luck.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> If you would love to figure out how to fix things, why not drop the romanticizing bs about L and focus on your husband? Oh, I know, I know...he abandoned you and whatnot when you were sick. Well, if you claim to want to fix things, maybe forgiving him and not bringing it up is a start. Right after you stop talking to your boyfriend, though. It's kinda tough to figure out a marriage when there's another person in the mix.
> 
> I'll leave now. No need in wasting my energy trying to break you out of your fog. Good luck.


I would say I've already forgiven him, for the most part anyway, it's been almost two years since this first happened. Not bringing it up is absolutely not an option for me.I don't think rugsweeping my emotions would be effective in this scenario. I actually don't think it's effective in most scenario's, including me talking about my affair.

I know you don't think you sound bitter and angry, and that's ok. No one wants to admit to negative traits most of the time. But i'd really prefer not to have your animosity here, it's not helpful to me and my posting clearly isn't helpful to you.

I wish you all the best in your life, and your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> Yeah I know I am, it started when I was sick and felt I needed him and has continued into this though of "well if my husband won't do it, L will". He's like my captain-save-a-chick or something.
> 
> I would say it's an emotional affair with a sexual undercurrent, if that makes sense, but that's significantly lessened now. I have a thing for him, in the sexual sense. But I haven't been physical with him, outside of a hug. Which isn't to say I didn't want to while I was sick, I did want to sleep with him, but I was honestly to sick to do it lol. In leg braces trying to get down all hot and heavy. With my husband all I had to do was show up. I think the main thing I found so sexually appealing washis compassion toward me. It got my girly parts very interested in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure there is much advice to give other to give up talking with the other man. Not sure how that is going to work considering it does not seem like you want to dump him. Funny thing is I never knew what an ea was before finding this web site. My ww was in an ea that turned pa so all I can say block his number, move do anything to get this guy out of your head it will not end well if you don't.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> I would say I've already forgiven him, for the most part anyway, it's been almost two years since this first happened.
> 
> *But you're currently doing something (your lover) thats actively doing more harm to your marriage. That will make it hard for your H to forgive YOU. It doesnt seem like you care about this. *
> 
> ...


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> Not sure there is much advice to give other to give up talking with the other man. Not sure how that is going to work considering it does not seem like you want to dump him. Funny thing is I never knew what an ea was before finding this web site. My ww was in an ea that turned pa so all I can say block his number, move do anything to get this guy out of your head it will not end well if you don't.


I've decided to stop talking to L. The main issue is that I've done that before (decided to stop talking to him) and then something happens and then I get back in contact with him. I've blocked him from my phone so many times. He isn't even saved in my contacts anymore but I've memorized the number after all this time! Not good.

We have a session today at 2, and I'm going to bring up the topic about telling my husband when I get the urge to contact L. I think if I tell him and he helps me figure out why I'm feeling that way, it could be a benefit to us both. And insted of thinking, he's such a jerk for playing his video game instead of xyz, I can recognize that I don't always need to be priority number one all the time. I'm not always an urgent issue like I was. I think that's another thing I need help with, being able to be second fiddle sometimes.

When I got sick, it became all about me, all the time. We had nurses coming to our home, family calling to check in on me, I was everyone's priority one and I needed to be at the time because I was highly suicidal. But now that I'm better, it's not so easy to accept being just a regular housewife who's not always first.

I so hope that makes sense...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> I've decided to stop talking to L.
> 
> *good move. If you want this to stick get your husband, your friends and your family on board to support you in this, they can prop you up when you have weak moments.*
> 
> ...


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

Anonim, I couldn't "quote" you but I wanted to respond:

I definitely agree that talking to L harms my marriage. It surely doesn't help it and at this point I'm not even sure o the purpose of our conversations, outside of fulfilling some need. And I'm not even totally sure what that need is. At first, I needed to talk about my health issues and things of that nature, now we're just having these "so how's the weather" type of conversations. It's strange. We really don't have much in common outside of my illness. So I don't know why I keep holding on, it's like the last crutch that I'm scared to let go of. That's something I need help with. 

I don't want to have an affair openly. I want to figure out why I'm here. Not here, on the board lol. But here in this affair and why I keep going back to it, and how to stop. I know if you havet had an affair,it's easy to think you stop by... stopping. But it hasn't been that easy for me.

Dig is bitter, and though he may have a reason to be. What he doesn't have is the right to direct that bitterness at me, I've been an emotional punching bag enough, I'm not being one virtually as well. Especially not to someone I don't know, nor consider to be particularly relevant to my life. I can validate my own affair, I've already done that. I don't need virtual validation. I need to be able to talk it through, think it out and get my thoughts out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow. Lady. I'm far from bitter, so you can stop now. Thanks a bunch.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

Anonim, I don't know why I can't "quote" you but this is the response to your other post:

Getting my friends and family involved is not an option. Friends can't be involved because I genuinely don't have even 1 outside of my husband L. And my family hates my husband now, especialy my mom who is probably the ring leader to the hatred. She wants me divorced like yesterday and knew L when I was highschool. I would call her an affair enabler, she doesn't have one nice word to say about my husband at this point so I'm trying to keep her out of our marriage.

Getting spyware on my phone is an awesome idea though, something I hadn't thought of. I don't know where you'd get something like that thought. I think my husband would feel more comfortable if I had it on my phone.. I think it would be good if we both had it on each others phones actually
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Wow. Lady. I'm far from bitter, so you can stop now. Thanks a bunch.


Let's agree to disagree. I'm stopped. I hope you are also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> Let's agree to disagree. I'm stopped. I hope you are also.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There's no need to agree to disagree. I'm not bitter. 

Besides, isn't it against forum rules to be banned and come back under another name...just sayin.

Bye now.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> There's no need to agree to disagree. I'm not bitter.
> 
> Besides, isn't it against forum rules to be banned and come back under another name...just sayin.
> 
> Bye now.


Lol, now you're really acting like a child Dig. We're all adults so we don't have to play playground games. It doesn't look good. If you're done, I am also. I hope you have a fantasic valentines day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Floxie, don't you really see an issue with how you are talking to other people ? 


back to the topic, How old are you and your H ? is the marriage worth saving ? Both of you don't seem to be ready for a commitment like marriage


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> Anonim, I couldn't "quote" you but I wanted to respond:
> 
> I definitely agree that talking to L harms my marriage. It surely doesn't help it and at this point I'm not even sure o the purpose of our conversations, outside of fulfilling some need. And I'm not even totally sure what that need is. At first, I needed to talk about my health issues and things of that nature, now we're just having these "so how's the weather" type of conversations. It's strange. We really don't have much in common outside of my illness. So I don't know why I keep holding on, it's like the last crutch that I'm scared to let go of. That's something I need help with.
> 
> ...


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I am sorry you went through your suffering. Your husband has suffered as well. His neglect is no reason for you to seek an EA. Please realize an EA is cheating and hurts as much as a PA for a BS (betrayed spouse). 

Your spouse is there to help you and you have made that clear that you lost his support when you were ill. Seeking to fill your void you found it in "L". Ask your H if he does not support you when you are unhealthy to IN THE LEAST support you to stop contacting "L" (no from the anime "deathnote", you anime addicts). Both spouses need to help and carry each other's burdens for each other, one's strength for the other's weakness! 

Focus on your health and communicating with your husband. Don't let him take you lightly and realize that being honest and transparent is the best way to KEEP yourself from talking to "L" or "M" on "N" etc. You have to constantly fall back in love with your husband, always working to see the good in him and let him see the good in you, surrounding both of you with love.


There are many healthy, natural ways to improve your health with NO adverse affects. Every prescription out there, every anti biotic, every chemical, has bad side effects.

I am not sure why you got the kidney infection. If its kidney stones, parsley tea really helps in dissolving kidney stones and helps clear bladder and UTI's, menstrual etc etc.

Maybe you have acute or chronic glomerulonephritis, or good pasture syndrom, or interstitial nephritis which drugs (antibiotics) can cause this such as gentamycin, phenacetin etc etc, periarteritis, cryoglobul etc etc etc etc.

Without a dissertation here, if you are over 30 your body slows down its production of enzymes. System enzymes really help with basically, A LOT, from kidney diseases to fibromyalgia and all the fore mentioned etc.

Keep working hard and stay faithful from here on out!


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Floxie, don't you really see an issue with how you are talking to other people ?
> 
> 
> back to the topic, How old are you and your H ? is the marriage worth saving ? Both of you don't seem to be ready for a commitment like marriage


I'm 25 and my husband is 30. I believe our marriage is worth saving, I think it's at least worth giving it a shot. I love him and he loves me, so we have a starting a place, if nothing else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

so_floxed said:


> Yeah I know I am, it started when I was sick and felt I needed him and has continued into this though of "well if my husband won't do it, L will". He's like my captain-save-a-chick or something.
> 
> I would say it's an emotional affair with a sexual undercurrent, if that makes sense, but that's significantly lessened now. I have a thing for him, in the sexual sense. But I haven't been physical with him, outside of a hug. Which isn't to say I didn't want to while I was sick, I did want to sleep with him, but I was honestly to sick to do it lol. In leg braces trying to get down all hot and heavy. With my husband all I had to do was show up. I think the main thing I found so sexually appealing washis compassion toward me. It got my girly parts very interested in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was he interested in you too ? 

And FFS, have some discretion. You could have said you were interested in him sexually. No, this is not a "lol" topic around here. That is not being honest. That is being an insensitive prick!!

Do you go to rape survivor forums and make rape jokes ? After all, they are just jokes right ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

so_floxed said:


> I'm 25 and my husband is 30. I believe our marriage is worth saving, I think it's at least worth giving it a shot. I love him and he loves me, so we have a starting a place, if nothing else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What kind of love do you have for him ? Do you like his company ? Do you enjoy talking to him ? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ? With no commitment from both sides, why not be FWBs or somehing


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Was he interested in you too ?
> 
> And FFS, have some discretion. You could have said you were interested in him sexually. No, this is not a "lol" topic around here. That is not being honest. That is being an insensitive prick!!
> 
> Do you go to rape survivor forums and make rape jokes ? After all, they are just jokes right ?


I believe he was interested in me as well sexually as well. Now he never outright said, "hey, let's go back to my place and f" but I don't think any part of him would turn it down if I said it. I think he probably was witing for me to be the initiator of it. But since I didnt , he didnt , you know?

I'm typing the way I speak, I say "girly parts" in my day to day, it wasn't an lol comment. If I had been laughing when I said/typed it, I agree that would've been wrong. But I'm just thinking things and typing them as I think them. Maybe they don't always come out right.

Edited to ask: what does FFS mean, I couldn't figure it out? Thanks!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

so_floxed said:


> I'm 25 and my husband is 30. I believe our marriage is worth saving, I think it's at least worth giving it a shot. I love him and he loves me, so we have a starting a place, if nothing else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He should leave you illness and all. Maybe your husband's got the case of the puppy dog syndrome, keep this up and he'll be right as rain pretty soon- translation divorce.

After the birth of my eldest son, our sex life pretty much became non existent, mostly because she was tired all the time and I was moody as hell, my wife later pointed out that she was very hurt because I didn't understand the stress parenthood brought on a girl of 24, and she was right I didn't, not until years later - meanwhile, we didn't cheat on each other. 

Seriously do your husband a favor and sign the goddamned papers so he can go and find a better spouse and remind him to stop sucking up to you. You don't have kids, you don't have a reason to even consider reconciliation.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Was he interested in you too ?
> 
> And FFS, have some discretion. You could have said you were interested in him sexually. No, this is not a "lol" topic around here. That is not being honest. That is being an insensitive prick!!
> 
> Do you go to rape survivor forums and make rape jokes ? After all, they are just jokes right ?


I agree.

Cheating is 100% non justifiable, non refundable, non marital, selfishness.

If a WS realizes the confusion they are in, they are able to escape it.

An EA and worse a PA is but a fantasy. One is not married to the AP (affair partner). The relationship is superficial and ephemeral. It is doomed from the start because the mind is addicted to dopamine and no BS (betrayed spouse) can compete with the excitement and addictiveness of novelty, the forbidden, and the immoral. 

The BS is the safe haven, the savior, the sufferer, the lover, where order and real love and sacrifice should be found. Too bad it is some cheaters plan B after they have their cake.

Realize that statistics are not in cheaters' favor. Order conquers over disorder. Loyalty is rewarded and infidelity outcast with the other like. Cheaters who do not convert/revert will always be in dismal chaos, believe in the false happiness that they grasp, yet when they see their BS long gone, away, happy, fully recovered (yet scarred) some cheaters will realize they truly have done wrong and spat in the face of love.


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> He should leave you illness and all. Maybe your husband's got the case of the puppy dog syndrome, keep this up and he'll be right as rain pretty soon- translation divorce.
> 
> After the birth of my eldest son, our sex life pretty much became non existent, mostly because she was tired all the time and I was moody as hell, my wife later pointed out that she was very hurt because I didn't understand the stress parenthood brought on a girl of 24, and she was right I didn't, not until years later - meanwhile, we didn't cheat on each other.
> 
> Seriously do your husband a favor and sign the goddamned papers so he can go and find a better spouse and remind him to stop sucking up to you. You don't have kids, you don't have a reason to even consider reconciliation.


He may end up leaving me, that's true. We've certainly talked about that. Right now, he doesn't want to divorce and I don't but I don't think either of us believe it's not potentially in the cards. When you've been through all that we have, the belief that you'll be together forever and always sort of withers. But we're both here, until we're sure there is nothing left. And at that point, we'll decide what we need to do.

I can always applaud couples that haven't been unfaithful, I wish my marriage could say the same. Unfortunately we can't, so we're managing the cards we've been dealt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> I am sorry you went through your suffering. Your husband has suffered as well. His neglect is no reason for you to seek an EA. Please realize an EA is cheating and hurts as much as a PA for a BS (betrayed spouse).
> 
> Your spouse is there to help you and you have made that clear that you lost his support when you were ill. Seeking to fill your void you found it in "L". Ask your H if he does not support you when you are unhealthy to IN THE LEAST support you to stop contacting "L" (no from the anime "deathnote", you anime addicts). Both spouses need to help and carry each other's burdens for each other, one's strength for the other's weakness!
> 
> ...


I got the kidney infection from an untreated or undertreated UTI and I believe I got the UTI from leaving a tampon in too long.

What I was initally diagnosed with was serum sickness, really an umbrella diagnosis. What actully happened was the cipro caused me to "spill" many of my nutrients into my kidney and left me highly nutrient deficent which was the cause of most my issues. The gastritis and acid reflux was caused by me taking the med on an empty tummy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## so_floxed (Feb 13, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> What kind of love do you have for him ? Do you like his company ? Do you enjoy talking to him ? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him ? With no commitment from both sides, why not be FWBs or somehing


I love him like a husband and friend. What I am having to work on right now is loving him as a sexual partner. That's not always the easiest for me. Because of my affair and just our general sexual history. I do enjoy his company and talking with him about things, especially now! He's a really good listener. I do believe i'd like to spend the rest of my life with him, if we can get this all figured out, I think that could happen. On the other hand, I think maybe that's not really a reality for us. So I suppose I feel conflicted with that. I don't want to be aFWB with anyone, that's just not where I am in my life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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