# I'm spying on my wife



## Horice (Apr 12, 2010)

I'm spying on my wife, not physically as we're currently separated with a view to getting back together - I'm in the UK, she in the USA and I'm due to return to the USA in August.

So far, I've found out she's been to lunch with her ex-boyfriend (a married man) who she dated 5+ yrs ago before we got together. In addition she just tells lots and lots of lies, little white lies really, but it's driving me crazy. 

Firstly I want to stop spying on her (it's a key logging application on our home laptop) - she has some idea I am spying on her but I've denied it so far.

As we are separated though, I've asked her for 100% honesty and open communication about things. The problem I have is that she is lying about everything, from pawning her engagement ring and how much she borrowed against it, to contacting a platonic male friend and discussing our relationship issues, asking him for lunch, to arguments with her family members, just everything really.

I do know that if we are to reconcile that I need to start trusting her, but how can I do that when she keeps lying to me.

I'm going over to the US to see her and our son on 4th June and I don't know how to handle the situation. I've asked her if we can have a talk one evening where we set out everything we both need out of our marriage. But how can I broach the subject of lying? I can't tell her I have software on our laptop as I believe that will be the final straw.

Any help anyone could offer would be hugely appreciate.

Horice


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## Paul Bennett (Dec 15, 2009)

Horice, you are lying to your wife while asking her to be 100% honest with you. 

There is a story of an old man asking a boy, "What is the liar's curse?" The boy answers, "That no one can trust him!" The wise old man says, "No, the liar's curse is that *he *cannot trust anyone."

By lying to her, you are treating her as an enemy, as someone who will hurt you if you give her the truth. 

I don't know any path to trust except to be trustworthy yourself and to treat her as someone who is trustworthy. 

In continuing to lie to her about your spying, you are clinging to a relationship in which you both lie to each other, each treating the other as an enemy. Why would you cling to such a relationship? 

Paul


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