# Husband ended marriage because of my disorder



## DownHearted (Jun 28, 2016)

Hi All,
I posted here back in June last year, as you will be able to see in my profile - not able to post link.

My husband and I have been separated for 7 months. Together for a total of 8 years. Things eventually got worse between us, the emotional verbal/physical abuse, the silent treatment, not allowing me to sleep in our bed and no intimacy. In November he told me he was no longer in love me or even attracted to me.

In January he ended up packing my bags telling me to get out, I did - then went back after a night from my parents, things didn't change and he wanted me gone again so I did and that was in February (few days before our 1st wedding anniversary) and have been at my parents ever since.

I take full responsibility on where I failed in my marriage (mainly lack of sex drive and my moods) which was mostly due to medication for my condition TS (which mind you he wanted me to be on so I could get "fixed"). I have carried a lot of guilt on my marriage ending, thinking if I was like this or like that or if did this & did that etc etc - he has taken no responsibility what so ever for his part, he has put all the blame on me and I have "ruined" his life.

The second time I moved out, he would text me daily accusing me of "not caring about what was happening" and that "I didn't want to come back home", "I don't love him and I haven't for a long time and I don't want to make things ok"... I couldn't understand why he was sending that crap to me considering he was the one that wanted me gone out of his life and he said there was no chance for us.
We now only talk when it comes to financials (I'm very business like and blunt) which he is being difficult about. I just want to get it over with and get my money back but he is dragging this out. He is also refusing to give me my photos that are on the computer. (he changed the password when I went to collect the last of my belongings). I have received advice from a lawyer but am trying to do it without them. 

I see a therapist every couple of weeks, which helps but it's so easy to fall back into the negative mind frame. Mutual friends have taken "sides" (his side) and a lot of true colours from people have come out throughout this process. My dreams of being a wife and a mother have just been ripped from me, my twenties have been wasted on this person. I still have to pinch myself as I'm in shock this has happened and what he turned out to be. I so was invested and committed to him and saw him as my life partner. 
Everyone around me has husbands/partners who have their backs, adore and support them and what did I get...an absolute nightmare who abused me and abandoned me over an unfortunate condition I have. (Who knows if that's even the real reason or just an easy way out?) Real big kick in the guts. 

This person has destroyed me and my self esteem and I feel like I am never ever going to fully recover.. ? I feel so disappointed in myself that I still love him, miss him and think about him, when I know he doesn't deserve any of that from me.

Thank you for taking the time to read


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry, I am not sure what TS is, is that Tourettes? Was it severe, did it affect your life too much. I guess no sex for a young man is a big problem and something you should have worked through. However there is absolutely no excuse for physical or emotional abuse and it is good that you have left him and hopefully getting a divorce. It sounds like he has treated your very badly, are you sure that there is noone else in the picture? Blaming you sounds like he is trying to alleviate his guilt.
Continue with your therapy and you will eventually get back your self esteem and start to live again. In a way I think you made a very lucky escape.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownHearted;18398578
[B said:


> I'm very business like and blunt) which he is being difficult about.[/B]


For everyone:

Those descriptor words, that sentence above.......

Is a death knell for a women that is THIS.

A man also, of course.

A man or women that is business like, blunt, not passionate, not warm is a person most people will avoid.
Avoid intimacy with.

I too will be blunt.

Imagine:

Getting into bed with-
An answering machine.
A data processor.
A list reciter.
A carper.

Getting in bed with a body, warm to the touch.

NOT WARM TO THE MIND.

*Men and Women need a warm body to caress and "a" mind to make love to "and with".*

Else, it becomes Duty Sex. 
...........................................................................................................................
OP, this is what you need to surmount. Even if you have to fake it.

If you get together with another man, Coo' in his ear, rubs his genitals and his heart. If necessary do it by rote, by habit.
And never stop, never let on that it is a learned response, not one genuinely felt.
And smile, wipe that thinking expression off your' face.

Just Sayin'


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Sounds like there was a lot going on, including your lack of libido and "moods" (which I sense means out of control behavior), so your claim that he left you because of your disorder comes off as disingenuous. Do you care to get into the real reasons, or are you just having a pity party?


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

I am sorry for what you are going through, an 8 year marriage coming to an end would be devastating for most. This would no doubt feel like a big loss, so allow yourself to grieve. Feel all the emotions you need to feel but try not to harp on the past and look forward. Accept that the relationship brought you joy before but ultimately was unhealthy and come to an end. You can still care for him, acknowledge these feelings, so you can let him go with grace.

When things are difficult, try not to think of the good times too much and also remind yourself of all the bad things he had done to you, abuse etc. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and who would never abuse you. You are still young, so I am 100% positive you will find another who will enrich your life.

My STBX & I are not on speaking terms, despite having a child together whom he does not see. My family despises him but I still do not, and see it all as a learning experience and understand that we both needed to part to grow. I wish him all the best and bid him farewell all in my mind to give myself closure. 

Keep busy, surround yourself with loved ones and share your feelings whenever you feel like it. You need to tell yourself that you want to move on and focus on YOUR life, not his. He does not deserve your thoughts or attention. His abusive behaviour and leaving the marriage are 2 red flags and big enough reasons to push you to start detaching. With time, you will get better. Just practise patience and optimism  time is the best healer.

For me dating helped. But maybe because the guy is HOT. Wayy hotter than my ex, so I am having fun without him! I have a baby infant so most days are routine but I look forward to my leisure time. Make plans and organise outings or trips to have something to look forward to. Keep up with the therapy & I wish you all the best!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@DownHearted

What does "TS" mean?

Could you also describe the 'moods' that you have?

From what you wrote, it sounds like your husband has some serious emotional issues. Does he?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just read your other thread...




DownHearted said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I've been married to my husband for 5 months and been together for 7 years. We moved in together after we got married and it's been hell. I have been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome due to having a sudden onset of vocal tics in my adult life and currently on medication to help with this.
> I am aware of the stress and difficulty it puts my husband through dealing with a wife with TS as it has been very hard on him. He was very supportive at the beginning of it all until the last month, he has told me he doesn't want to support me anymore and I either stop the TS or pack my bags and leave. He has become extremely verbally/physically abusive towards me calling names I never thought would be possible from someone who is meant to be your whole world. Before we got married he called me a stupid b***h a few times during arguments, now it has escalated badly.. I have been called the C-word, pig, dog, scum, freak., dumb, loser and that I don't make any money (even though I have a full time job and a good saver?) he has also told me numerous times he hates my guts and wants me to leave "his" house and get out his life that I have ruined. He has punched my arm, put his hand over my mouth to shut me up and pulled my hair during arguments.
> ...




http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...n/340329-tourettes-syndrome-verbal-abuse.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DownHearted said:


> This person has destroyed me and my self esteem and I feel like I am never ever going to fully recover.. ? I feel so disappointed in myself that I still love him, miss him and think about him, when I know he doesn't deserve any of that from me.


OK, so it's actually good for you that you are getting a divorce.

It will take time for you to get over him. Don't feel disappoint in yourself for this. It's a normal emotional reaction to divorce. You will stop loving him and missing him.

He can only destroy you if you play along with his game. Stop doing that. 

Focus on yourself. What are you doing for yourself? There is a man out there for you who will love you, take care of you and understand how to deal with your issues. You cannot find him as long as you are hanging on to this abusive man you married.

Are there TS groups in your area? Why not join one and start meeting other with your situation and learning how they cope? Shoot, you might even meet some hot guy with TS 

Do the docs know why you have TS, what caused it?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> Sounds like there was a lot going on, including your lack of libido and "moods" (which I sense means out of control behavior), so your claim that he left you because of your disorder comes off as disingenuous. Do you care to get into the real reasons, or are you just having a pity party?


Those are my thoughts exactly. He didnt leave you because of your condition did he, but because of the years of moods and no sex.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Those are my thoughts exactly. He didnt leave you because of your condition did he, but because of the years of moods and no sex.


Have you even read her other post before throwing that out there?

Addressed to the OP: this is becoming a toxic situation for both of you. Start protecting yourself. Have you found a doctor that's specialized in TS?


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## DownHearted (Jun 28, 2016)

Thanks to all for your replies and input.

My TS is not severe, very mild. It does not affect my daily life at all, I am still a functional human being who has a full time job and my work or social life is not affected by it. I have seen a doctor who specialises in TS,who is the one that prescribed me the medication. I haven't found a TS group where I live here but am currently off the medication as it gave me bad side effects. I feel so much better off them. Docs aren't sure how I got it I have probably had since at a young age - but not noticeable.

To Diana and Magenisum I think you should read my first post before posting something way off base. I didn't "claim" that was the reason that was the reason HE gave me. We were married for a year and my libido only decreased during that year...there was no "years" without sex. I had a very high healthy sex drive before I was on medication....I should have explained that better - but he also didn't approach me for any intimacy either during the last 4/5 months of while I was living there. Moods was not the correct word to use, the medication just would make me feel really down and very very tired so I didn't feel my happy self (maybe part of it was also how I was being treated by him)


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## DownHearted (Jun 28, 2016)

Thanks to all for your replies and input.

My TS is not severe, very mild. It does not affect my daily life at all, I am still a functional human being who has a full time job and my work or social life is not affected by it. have seen a doctor who specialises in TS,who is the one that prescribed me the medication. I haven't found a TS group where I live here but am currently off the medication as it gave me bad side effects. I feel so much better off them. Docs aren't sure how I got it I have probably had since at a young age - but not noticeable.

To Diana and Magnesium I think you both should read my first post before posting something way off base. I didn't "claim" that was the reason that was the reason HE gave me. We were married for a year and my libido only decreased during that year...there was no "years" without sex. I had a very high healthy sex drive before I was on medication....I should have explained that better - but he also didn't approach me for any intimacy either during the last 4/5 months of while I was living there. Moods was not the correct word to use, the medication just would make me feel really down and very very tired so I didn't feel my happy self (maybe part of it was also how I was being treated by him)


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## DownHearted (Jun 28, 2016)

Louise McCann said:


> I am sorry for what you are going through, an 8 year marriage coming to an end would be devastating for most. This would no doubt feel like a big loss, so allow yourself to grieve. Feel all the emotions you need to feel but try not to harp on the past and look forward. Accept that the relationship brought you joy before but ultimately was unhealthy and come to an end. You can still care for him, acknowledge these feelings, so you can let him go with grace.
> 
> When things are difficult, try not to think of the good times too much and also remind yourself of all the bad things he had done to you, abuse etc. You deserve a man who wants to be with you and who would never abuse you. You are still young, so I am 100% positive you will find another who will enrich your life.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your thoughtful reply, I am very sorry you are going through a rough time also. My family also despise him but I'm not there yet and I don't know if I ever will. I've never hated anybody in my life to be honest. I am trying to keep busy but it all feels so foreign and scary! Dating terrifies me....I'm worried the same thing will happen you know..


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I don't make it a point to read someone's entire posting history before replying to a post. If it's information you want included, the onus is on you to provide it in that post. 

That said, I think it's important for you to completely disengage from this relationship regardless of the reasons for the deterioration...for your own well-being.


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## DownHearted (Jun 28, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> OK, so it's actually good for you that you are getting a divorce.
> 
> It will take time for you to get over him. Don't feel disappoint in yourself for this. It's a normal emotional reaction to divorce. You will stop loving him and missing him.
> 
> ...


Thank you EleGirl, in regards to your previous he most certainly does have emotional issues - my therapist describes him as emotionally unintelligent based on how I have described him. He didn't like to talk about deep meaningful issues, he would just bottle them up inside and not fully open up to me. He was also always very worried on what people thought of him and constantly thought "people" had issues with him.


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## DownHearted (Jun 28, 2016)

Magnesium said:


> I don't make it a point to read someone's entire posting history before replying to a post. If it's information you want included, the onus is on you to provide it in that post.
> 
> That said, I think it's important for you to completely disengage from this relationship regardless of the reasons for the deterioration...for your own well-being.


Maybe next time don't post on a thread you're not interested on reading the history about (which was one post from June last year) because it was pretty harsh. Or maybe I'm just still throwing myself "a pity party"?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DH, I agree with @*EleGirl* that it sounds like your real problem is not having mild TS but, rather, having a H who may have a serious emotional issue. Of course, there is no way for me to know what that issue is. I therefore will limit my comments to describing some warning signs you may want to look out for. Toward that end, I will respond to several statements you made last June.



DownHearted said:


> I've been married to my husband for 5 months and been together for 7 years. We moved in together after we got married and it's been hell.


When a person has a serious emotional issue, his inability to handle sustained intimacy can be magnified ten-fold when he moves in together with his partner. This is particularly true if he has a great fear of engulfment, i.e., a suffocating feeling that one gets after being intimate for a sustained period of time.



> I have been diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome.... I am aware of the stress and difficulty it puts my husband through dealing with a wife with TS as it has been very hard on him.


Perhaps so. But you may have it backwards. It may be that your H's verbal and physical abuse was caused by his inability to handle the intimacy of living with you. If so, your TS flareup -- which occurred following your marriage -- may have been caused by the stress of living with an abusive H.



> He has become extremely verbally/physically abusive towards me calling names I never thought would be possible from someone who is meant to be your whole world.


The _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD.



> Before we got married he called me a stupid b***h a few times during arguments, now it has escalated badly.


I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

If your H is exhibiting strong BPD traits, an important issue is whether this is a lifelong problem or, instead, only a temporary flareup of his BPD traits caused by an extremely stressful event. In that regard, I note that you do not mention any extremely stressful event that has recently occurred in his life. Moreover, you state that his verbal abusiveness and lack of impulse control -- e.g., calling you _"stupid ***** a few times"_ -- had started well before the two of you got married -- and well before your TS flareup had been triggered.

Prior to the marriage, did you see any other red flags for emotional instability, e.g., rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you? If so, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of red flags at _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join *EleGirl* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, DH.


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## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

With all due respect @Uptown, I dont think she needs an explanation of what BPD is here, besides.. BPD is really just the clinical way of saying someone is an *******. We all have a little ******* in us and this guy is WAY in the red on the ******* meter and it doesn't sound like she is the one that needs to be more understanding anyway.

DH, I know it doesn't feel good right now but this is the best possible thing for you. No one, mental issues or not, deserves to be treated the way that you are describing. I know a thing or 2 about this... I have a wife that has several mental issues that can combine to become a perfect storm of crazy that effects all kinds of aspects of our marriage and her daily life. I KNEW about these issues before I married her just as he knew about your issues before he married you. Yes, living with someone that has mental issues can be challenging and extremely difficult at times but it is never a cause to treat someone like you have described. It is very possible that , as someone else pointed out, his verbal and physical abuse probably has made your TS worse and even if it hasn't, living with someone that is abusive like that can easily turn you into a basket case that has you doubting every aspect of yourself.

I am truly sorry to hear that you are going thru something like this but take heart, it will get better and you deserve better.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

spawn2031 said:


> With all due respect Uptown, I don't think she needs an explanation of what BPD is here.


Perhaps you are correct, Spawn. As I said above, I don't know what the husband's emotional issue is because I've never met the guy. I mention BPD for DH to consider only because the behaviors she describes -- i.e., verbal & physical abuse, _"emotionally unintelligent,"_ lack of impulse control, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim" (blaming her for every misfortune), and rapid flip from Jekyll (adoring her) to Hyde (hating her) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. 

I therefore pointed DH to a list of BPD warning signs in case she wants to take a quick look to see if most apply. If she finds that most do apply to her husband, learning those signs may help her break free from the terrible guilt that is pulling her down. As she states, "I have carried a lot of guilt on my marriage ending, thinking if I was like this or like that or if did this & did that etc etc." 

And, after the divorce, learning to spot BPD warning signs also may help her avoid running right into the arms of another man just like her husband. She will know what red flags to avoid. This could be of great value to her because she states, _"Dating terrifies me....I'm worried the same thing will happen you know."_



> BPD is really just the clinical way of saying someone is an *******.


If that were true, Spawn, the American and European diagnostic manuals would not be listing 10 different categories for personality disorders (together with 147 other mental disorders). By learning to spot these ten basic patterns of human behavior, you can greatly increase your understanding of other peoples' motivations and intentions. 

Given DH's belief that her husband _"most certainly does have emotional issues,"_ she might want to have a better understanding of what those issues are so as to see that her TS likely played only a minor role, if any, in the breakup of her marriage. If she does want to acquire that clearer understanding, it would be prudent to move beyond the use of street language (e.g., _"saying someone is an *******"_) to the use of educated terms. After all, this is not rocket science.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He exhibited no red flags during the entire time you were with him in seven years? Seven years is a long time for someone to be able to put up a fake front, and then after moving in together, just suddenly becomes abusive. 

However you got here, you will heal. You really will. It will take time, but you will get past this, and be stronger for it. It sounds honestly, like you both were toxic to one another, and it's best to end such an unhealthy relationship. Sorry you find yourself in this situation, though.


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