# Dear Husband,



## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Here it is....

I'm not happy. I haven't been for a long time now. I cant keep pretending that everything is ok, or that things are going to change. 
You have made that promise to me too many times, but have broken it more times than my heart can handle anymore. 
I cant even begin to tell you how much I love you....and that's why this hurts as much as it does. 

We aren't the same people anymore ________. We have grown apart. Thats what I keep telling myself anyway. Its hard to accept any other reason. We both have things that we need to work out, and since we have tried the other approaches...this is the only way I can see how this will work. 

Taking a break is really the only option we haven't tried. I am hoping that some "alone time" will help us see what 
we really love about each other. It goes back to the old saying "You don't know what you have, until its gone". 
I am just sick of everyone/everything else being a priority over me and the kids. I cant handle the rejection anymore. I have begged you to love me and want to be with me...and I just have nothing left, that scares me to death. 

I know I have my flaws as well, I am not denying that. That is what I am going to be working on...making me healthy. I have been going to the gym almost every night....so I am one step ahead there, but after the constant rejection I have gotten from you...I need to start building myself back up. My mind isn't in a place it should be. I need to start focusing all of the negativity into healthy/productive energy. I'm sick of being angry. I don't want "anger" being the reason we don't work. 

I don't want to get into a long drawn out fight about this. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I just need you to accept the fact that we are not ok. You may be fine with the way things are, but I am not. I am not ok with being ignored. I am not ok being rejected. I am not ok with being yelled at, or talked down to. You need to get a handle on your anger and depression issues. I have tried to be there, and I have tried 
to talk to you about it...but you just shut me out. So when you're ready to talk to me about this. I will be waiting. 
I love you.


What do you think? I don't want to necessarily want to send him this...but maybe even read it out. There are so many problems that I could probably nail out...but its pointless. I don't want him to get defensive...I want him to listen. Let me know what you think...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I will give you my perspective being the one who didn't hear my w for a period of time. I'm sure at first it would sting, but I would of loved my w to have said this or sent a letter like this to me. Because you point out his flaws, but admit to your own. And still talk about your love for him (some reassurrance). Maybe my w did it in her own way, but still looking back on it today if she did it wasn't as direct and caring as this appears to me.

Maybe I'm just in a better place to appreciate what this means to you or my w. I don't know. But I like it.

And that's my two cents.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I like it.. its non confrontational, open and honest.

I hope you could convey it directly, but if he's not in a listening mode... putting pen to paper and having him read it when you're not in front of him is a good option.

good luck!!!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Overall I agree...I like it. Can you believe it 63Vino? We agree! :lol: 

I think this is your attempt to wake him up and make sure he's aware of the seriousness of his choice to "do nothing" and along with the others I appreciate that it is direct, honest, names his faults and accepts responsibility for some of your own. You aren't vindictive or demanding but just state your reality and give him freedom to state his. It's good. 





Needy_Wife said:


> I'm not happy. I haven't been for a long time now. I cant keep pretending that everything is ok, or that things are going to change. You have made that promise to me too many times, but have broken it more times than my heart can handle anymore. I cant even begin to tell you how much I love you....and that's why this hurts as much as it does.


I like that you start off with were you are--no happy, haven't been, and won't pretend anymore. I also like that you start by clearly saying "words and promises aren't going to cut it anymore." It's strong but not blaming. 



> We aren't the same people anymore ________. We have grown apart. Thats what I keep telling myself anyway. Its hard to accept any other reason. We both have things that we need to work out, and since we have tried the other approaches...this is the only way I can see how this will work.


I'm not positive but I think you might be able to do without the "...we've grown apart..." thing. Maybe that isn't his reality (who knows?), so you may want to just say "We have some issues that I know we are both aware of--some are individual things and some are issues as a couple--and we have tried other approaches that have not worked. Since the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect a different result, this is the only way I can see how this will work."



> Taking a break is really the only option we haven't tried. I am hoping that some "alone time" will help us see what we really love about each other. It goes back to the old saying "You don't know what you have, until its gone".
> I am just sick of everyone/everything else being a priority over me and the kids. I cant handle the rejection anymore. I have begged you to love me and want to be with me...and I just have nothing left, that scares me to death.


To be honest, I wouldn't say it's "Taking a break" because that's not what this is. You are saying that since you've tried everything else and nothing has impressed him enough to want to work, you now want to separate. Thus right at the beginning here I'd say "A separation is the only option we haven't tried and that's what I want to do." The rest I think is perfect. Further it is right in line with the image we give of love being a campfire--behavior that puts out the fire is an extinguisher and behavior that makes the fire blaze is a kindler. For you the kindlers stopped and there have been enough extinguishers that now you're fire is put out. 



> I know I have my flaws as well, I am not denying that. That is what I am going to be working on...making me healthy. I have been going to the gym almost every night....so I am one step ahead there, but after the constant rejection I have gotten from you...I need to start building myself back up. My mind isn't in a place it should be. I need to start focusing all of the negativity into healthy/productive energy. I'm sick of being angry. I don't want "anger" being the reason we don't work.


I like how you willingly take responsibility for yourself and your flaws and indicate what you're already doing to work on them. 



> I don't want to get into a long drawn out fight about this. I just don't have the energy for it anymore. I just need you to accept the fact that we are not ok. You may be fine with the way things are, but I am not. I am not ok with being ignored. I am not ok being rejected. I am not ok with being yelled at, or talked down to. You need to get a handle on your anger and depression issues. I have tried to be there, and I have tried
> to talk to you about it...but you just shut me out. So when you're ready to talk to me about this. I will be waiting.
> I love you.


I love this paragraph. In fact you may want to start by saying, " I will not be pulled into a long drawn out fight about this. This IS the way it is for me and I don't have the energy...." Otherwise I do like that you name what the issues are and don't let him squirm out, blame you, or deflect. I like how you let him know you do care and can wait for some time while he struggles to accept the realities of his lack of action. 

You may want to end with your plans about "how to separate" like mention if plan to move out or you want him to move--you're proposed timing like when it will start and end, etc. Again the point here is to cement the idea that you mean this and he's not going to "promise his way out of this one." Does that make sense? 

Finally Needy, bear in mind that he may still choose to do nothing and not face his depression and anger. He may try to act like you won't really separate or blame you for the issues. I would suggest that even as hurt as you are you actually have a medium good head on your shoulders about this and you're thinking fairly clearly. You've been handling it in a pretty healthy way, so just reassure yourself you're doing pretty good and keep on doing what you know is right. You don't have to divorce right away--let him have a chance to struggle, try to suck you back into the "old dance", and then realize he will actually have to ADDRESS this if he wants to be with you.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> Overall I agree...I like it. Can you believe it 63Vino? We agree! :lol:
> 
> I'm SO hurt... i thought we generally, always agree!!
> Thats it!!! We're through!!!
> ...


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Well said, clear on how you feel, identifying his stuff and owning yours. It seems you've been down this road more times than works for you. Nice job on the letter - and good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

63Vino said:


> I'm SO hurt... i thought we generally, always agree!!
> Thats it!!! We're through!!!
> 
> Im getting a NEW online theraputic hero!!....











(Nathan Fillion as superhuman Captain Hammer in in Joss Whedon's online musical Dr Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog.)

Every time I try to even respond to that all I can think is 
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: 

Needy_Wife, will you let us know how it goes?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

I think this is your attempt to wake him up and make sure he's aware of the seriousness of his choice to "do nothing" and along with the others I appreciate that it is direct, honest, names his faults and accepts responsibility for some of your own. You aren't vindictive or demanding but just state your reality and give him freedom to state his. It's good. 

_Thanks AC_



I like that you start off with were you are--no happy, haven't been, and won't pretend anymore. I also like that you start by clearly saying "words and promises aren't going to cut it anymore." It's strong but not blaming. 
_Its the truth _

I'm not positive but I think you might be able to do without the "...we've grown apart..." thing. Maybe that isn't his reality (who knows?), so you may want to just say "We have some issues that I know we are both aware of--some are individual things and some are issues as a couple--and we have tried other approaches that have not worked. Since the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect a different result, this is the only way I can see how this will work."
_The thing is, I do think we've grown apart. We have gotten into that "comfortable stage"...and it seems like I am the only one willing to work on it._

To be honest, I wouldn't say it's "Taking a break" because that's not what this is. You are saying that since you've tried everything else and nothing has impressed him enough to want to work, you now want to separate. Thus right at the beginning here I'd say "A separation is the only option we haven't tried and that's what I want to do." The rest I think is perfect. Further it is right in line with the image we give of love being a campfire--behavior that puts out the fire is an extinguisher and behavior that makes the fire blaze is a kindler. For you the kindlers stopped and there have been enough extinguishers that now you're fire is put out. 
_I agree. I will reword that. I just thought a "break" sounded a lot better than "separation"._

I like how you willingly take responsibility for yourself and your flaws and indicate what you're already doing to work on them. 
_I let myself go after we had our youngest. I honestly don't think that part bothers him...but it bothers me. I know one of the things that bothers him is that I "nag". I personally wouldn't call it that. I just want to talk. When something happens, I want to talk it out. He wants to pretend it never happened._


I love this paragraph. In fact you may want to start by saying, " I will not be pulled into a long drawn out fight about this. This IS the way it is for me and I don't have the energy...." Otherwise I do like that you name what the issues are and don't let him squirm out, blame you, or deflect. I like how you let him know you do care and can wait for some time while he struggles to accept the realities of his lack of action. 

You may want to end with your plans about "how to separate" like mention if plan to move out or you want him to move--you're proposed timing like when it will start and end, etc. Again the point here is to cement the idea that you mean this and he's not going to "promise his way out of this one." Does that make sense? 
_I am still trying to make that plan myself. I only have my sister and parents in the area. My sister is in a really bad relationship...and I will not put myself or my children in that situation. I am nervous about asking my mom or dad if me and the kids can stay with them because my dad is really sick. He found out a couple months ago he has stage 4 esophageal cancer. He cant handle having my kids there all the time. Plus, they are going though enough...adding 3 more people...its probably not a good idea. Him leaving isn't an option. Soooo...that is why I haven't brought it up to him yet. I need to figure out what I am going to do. Finding a place is going to take some time. _

Finally Needy, bear in mind that he may still choose to do nothing and not face his depression and anger. He may try to act like you won't really separate or blame you for the issues. I would suggest that even as hurt as you are you actually have a medium good head on your shoulders about this and you're thinking fairly clearly. You've been handling it in a pretty healthy way, so just reassure yourself you're doing pretty good and keep on doing what you know is right. You don't have to divorce right away--let him have a chance to struggle, try to suck you back into the "old dance", and then realize he will actually have to ADDRESS this if he wants to be with you.[/QUOTE]
_I hope he takes this serious. Thanks for all your advice. I will let you know how it goes as soon as I can._


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

This is his response back to me:

I'm sorry you feel this way. I've done my best since our last fight to show you more affection. I believe I have been. I can't help you feel this way. Everything was fine with us before yesterday or so I thought. You wanted more of a sex life, I've done that. You want to sit and talk. I've been doing that. You want to hang out more, but once again, during the week, you go to the gym right in the middle of the evening. What am I suppose to do, hang out in the bedroom until you get home? I can't keep doing this ***. Not at all. So you might think a separation is going to help, but I don't and I don't want anything to do with it. If you want to leave, then that's it. I'm sorry your not happy, and no matter what I do, that's not going to change. I'm tired of trying to prove to you something I'm not and never will be. I've changed yes, I agree, but so have you. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I don't know. 

I don't want to fight anymore with you. I do love you more than anything and I know that's not enough. I don't know what to do anymore.........


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Needy_Wife said:


> Here it is....
> 
> I'm not happy. I haven't been for a long time now. I cant keep pretending that everything is ok, or that things are going to change.
> You have made that promise to me too many times, but have broken it more times than my heart can handle anymore.
> ...


sounds so much like an ultimatum. why can't the letter include you wanting him to listen? and tell him you think it's pointless. because if you did, i'm sure he WOULD become defenseless. i don't think i could fault him for that.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Needy_Wife said:


> This is his response back to me:
> 
> I'm sorry you feel this way. I've done my best since our last fight to show you more affection. I believe I have been. I can't help you feel this way. Everything was fine with us before yesterday or so I thought. You wanted more of a sex life, I've done that. You want to sit and talk. I've been doing that. You want to hang out more, but once again, during the week, you go to the gym right in the middle of the evening. What am I suppose to do, hang out in the bedroom until you get home? I can't keep doing this ***. Not at all. So you might think a separation is going to help, but I don't and I don't want anything to do with it. If you want to leave, then that's it. I'm sorry your not happy, and no matter what I do, that's not going to change. I'm tired of trying to prove to you something I'm not and never will be. I've changed yes, I agree, but so have you. I'm not saying that's a bad thing. I don't know.
> 
> I don't want to fight anymore with you. I do love you more than anything and I know that's not enough. I don't know what to do anymore.........


i didn't read his response, but i guess self-fulfilling prophecy is what this has become. he says he HAS done what you've asked, and you've rejected his efforts. go figure. you gave him an unconditional ultimatum, did not get the desired results, now what do you do? follow through with your threats? i hope that's what you wanted. we here allow each other to become the victim, then when this happens we never come back and say "ooops, sorry, i was wrong. the results of my advice were not what you wanted, my bad."

oh yeah...nice job on the letter...luck is not involved.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I like it. Good luck.


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## williamjohnson (May 23, 2010)

Forgive me if I'm wrong about this. But I have this feeling if a man wrote this same letter on this forum, he'd be attacked for it while you're patted on the back. Maybe that's just my perception; if I'm wrong I apologize.

I DO applaud you, however, for having the courage to finally speak your mind. Good luck.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Needy..that is a well written letter to your husband..I wish all wives who are thinking of leaving their husbands or have left them FOR THE SAME REASONS would either let them know before or soon after...as for me it would have had to of been after..some guys need the wake-up (separation) call, others would see it in the letter..your husband is the first kind IMO...now..do you have OM or are you considering it?..be honest.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

What is OM???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

OM means Other Man. Did you meet someone who got you thinking about what life would be like with a different guy?

How is your father?

What happened with you and your husband?


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