# Got my separation papers today.



## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I have been lurking around here for quite some time, and I haven't really posted much.

But, I feel like I really just need a place to vent.

My husband and I have been married for over 8 years. I had a lot of trouble getting pregnant. We tried for 3 years before we were finally successful. My son was born in January 2011. He is currently 13 months old.

While I was 9 months pregnant, my husband started an emotional affair with his graduate student. I found out about it right be fore my son was born. I made a lot of mistakes through that process. I know now that I should have stuck up for myself more, and demanded that my husband end all contact with her. But, he convinced me that he and his graduate student still needed to have a working relationship. blah blah blah. The other woman moved across the country to continue her schooling over the summer. So, I thought that this would put the brakes on their relationship. But, they have been in constant contact.

To make a long story short, he left our martial home in October 2011. He said that he needed to figure some things out. He was going to eliminate all distractions--video games, me, movies, alcohol, etc. He did eliminate almost everything--he eliminated me, most all of friends, his church, his son (part time)---but, he didn't eliminate her. He told me that he doesn't love me and never really did. I know that he is in a fog. He has totally rewritten history.

I could go on and on, but I don't want to bore you all.

I know that most of you have been or are going through a similar situation. But, this sucks. It hurts so badly. 

Sometimes, I wake up and I just can't believe that this is my life. Life is such a struggle. I struggled to have a child, and now that I have one, I have had to struggle to keep my husband.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What have you done to bust their affair? Would you take him back?


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

What have I done to bust their affair?
hmmm...that is a tough question. It has been hard because every time I would find a suggestive text or email, I would confront my husband and he would convince me that it was "meaningless". He would make it seem like I was being paranoid. Or, he would tell me that she has the upmost respect for me and would never respect our family in that way. I was stupid. I prayed, and I thought that my husband would ultimately make the "right" choice. I didn't want to think that my husband was capable of this.

Plus,I had a newborn baby, and I was trying desparately to keep this family together. I didn't want to push my husband away.

Also, my husband was in a severe depression. I was afraid that he was suicidal at one point. My brother committed suicide 7 years ago, so I am very sensitive to this. So, I was focusing on my husband's needs, and not my own. Even though my intuition told me otherwise, I believed that my husband and his student were just close friends. And, I was afraid that if I made him end his friendship with her, then I would be pushing him over the edge. 

As time went on, it became less and less about the affair. My husband blamed me for his abuse of alcohol...for his emotional affair. He said that I was too emotionally distant from him, and that I didn't love him in the way that he needed to be loved. 

We went to one couples counseling session in August 2011. At that time, my husband was still trying to figure out if he wanted to be married to me or not. He was still trying to figure that out. The couples counselor told my husband that he needed to get individual counseling to figure this out before we could procede with couples counseling.

My husband has since then bounced around from counselor to counselor. He really hasn't ever gotten real help. He is a psychology professor, so he thinks he knows everything about counseling, and he is not happy with any of the counselors he has been to.

Over the summer, I told my family, friends, and his family about his affair and our situation. Since then, a lot of friends have reached out to him to try to offer him advice and help. He has refused, and has basically turned his back on all of his friends that do not condone his behavior. He only really has 2-3 friends now (including the other woman). His family is so disappointed in him. He talks to his mom a lot, but she is in my corner. His relationship with his dad is strained. His dad was married a a really young age, and his 1st wife cheated on him during their 1st year of marriage. His dad divorced his first wife after only 1 year of marriage. So, his dad has told me several times that his heart aches for me. 

I realized that I made sooooooo many mistakes through this whole process---I should have outed him when I first found out, I should have stuck up for myself and my family...but, I can't change that now.

But, we live 1000 miles away from our families. I moved out here for my husband's job. So, I have basically been raising my son on my own with no help from my family. I work fulltime. I am on my own, so I have to rely on my estranged husband to help me out when I need a babysitter.

At this point, I feel like I have changed and grown so much throughout this process. I am seeing a counselor. I have begun to rely on my friends for support more. I have recognized the mistakes that i have made in the past, and i have gotten in touch with my emotions. I don't really feel like my husband has grown at all. During these months apart, it seems like my husband has been spending most of his time and effort trying to justify the choices he is making and trying to justify why he left his infant son and wife. He refuses couples counseling.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Iit sounds like his depression and all the destructive things he has done are likely all tied to his affair. It is the source of the emotional conflict he is in. He is so deeply addicted to affair and the fog that he has pushed everything out of his life that causes problems for continue the affiair.

Since he won't stop seeing her the only choice you have us to file.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

jpr said:


> Over the summer, I told my family, friends, and his family about his affair and our situation. Since then, a lot of friends have reached out to him to try to offer him advice and help. He has refused, and has basically turned his back on all of his friends that do not condone his behavior. He only really has 2-3 friends now (including the other woman). His family is so disappointed in him. He talks to his mom a lot, but she is in my corner. His relationship with his dad is strained. His dad was married a a really young age, and his 1st wife cheated on him during their 1st year of marriage. His dad divorced his first wife after only 1 year of marriage. So, his dad has told me several times that his heart aches for me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How would you feel about moving back closer to your family? Maybe telling him you can't live like this might wake him up if not you will have support and your family to help w/ your baby.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to save your marriage ( I would say the odds are no better than 50/50) youneed to out the student to her parents as soon as possible. Maybe even her friends on facebook etc.

Go here and start reading:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

Has he always been a basket case? 

You may want to move back home and THEN start divorce proceedings.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I can't move back to my family. I have talked to my lawyer about that. It was nearly be impossible. My husband would need to sign off on it, and he won't.

Since my husband has moved out, he has been acting "Father of the Year". He sees my son regularly, and he is trying to be a part of his life. (my husband was barely home while we were still living together, and he very rarely took care of our son)

As much as I would love to move back to my family, I just can't. I can't do it legally, and ethically. I would be depriving my son of his father.

It is hard, because I want to move forward...but, I have to see this jerk on a regular basis.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Chapparal,

I read your postings about outing the affair partners.

Right now, I don't want my husband back as he is right now. 

I would not even know how to "out" her on facebook or to her parents. 

I feel like I have outed my husband to all of our friends and family, and they really hasn't done any good. He is still continuing on this path.

I will think about what you are suggesting, but, at this point, I am not feeling as desperate as I once was. I am slowly beginning to realize that my husband doesn't deserve me. I am an attractive, smart, caring, and creative woman. I am just so disgusted with my husband, and I don't want him back as he is right now. 

Yes, my husband has always been very "difficult" to deal. He has extreme moods. I was always so supportive of him and I would make excuses for his behavior all the time. 

His family and friends know how difficult he can be. In fact, I used to get "thank you" cards from his mom and dad on anniversary...they used to thank me for putting up with him and for loving his despite all his flaws. 

I did love him with all of my heart--and I did accept him for who he was. 


I am trying to do the "right" thing here...sometimes I just don't know what the "right" thing is. Is it 'right' to out his affair partner publicly? Is it right to shame and embarrass her? what would that accomplish? I think that I should have done more when I first found out about the affair, but I am not sure if it would really accomplish much at this point. I am not sure.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jpr said:


> Chapparal,
> 
> I read your postings about outing the affair partners.
> 
> ...


It depends on what your goals are. 

You out her to break up the affair. You out her because her parents should know thier daughter has broken up a marriage with a child. 

However from what little I've seen here I would be filing divorce papers and getting on with my life as fast as I could.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

My oven broke today. My lawyer says that I should make my husband pay for half of all house/car repairs that I incur. My husband left our martial home without a signed separation agreement.

I could fix the oven myself...it needs a new thermostat. But it is super old and does not match any of the other appliances in my kitchen. So, it would probably be smarter to just get a new one. 

hmmmm...I wonder what I should do? I don't want to make any more hatred between us as we sort out our custody agreements...but, I would really like to "sock it to him" too. We still have a joint credit card open. Should I charge the new oven on our joint card and make him pay for half?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jpr said:


> My oven broke today. My lawyer says that I should make my husband pay for half of all house/car repairs that I incur. My husband left our martial home without a signed separation agreement.
> 
> I could fix the oven myself...it needs a new thermostat. But it is super old and does not match any of the other appliances in my kitchen. So, it would probably be smarter to just get a new one.
> 
> hmmmm...I wonder what I should do? I don't want to make any more hatred between us as we sort out our custody agreements...but, I would really like to "sock it to him" too. We still have a joint credit card open. Should I charge the new oven on our joint card and make him pay for half?


Of course.

Who filed the separation papers?


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