# Getting to the end



## USR9000 (Apr 12, 2013)

So I'm kind of at a loss right now and figured I'd talk to some people to make sure I'm not crazy. I've read some of the stories here and see that you guys offer very sound advice. Very long to give background/help me vent. Thanks in advance for reading.

Background - I'm 28yo, she's 31 and is a reservist as well. We both have professional jobs making good income (mid six figures combined). I'm finishing my B.S. in engineering, taking night courses, and will have my degree next spring. I'm very laid back and don't get easily upset by changes of plans or when things don't go my way.

After two and a half years of dating, my (now) wife told me she was tired of waiting and kept pressuring me for a proposal. I loved her and figured it made sense so I proposed to her in March of '11. The wedding was kind of rushed (her idea) and we were married in Sept of that year. In Jan of '12 she was activated and deployed for eight months in a non-combat zone. During this time, we did some house shopping, her suggesting places she found online, and me looking at them. I found a really nice place in my own searching and we both agreed to make an offer. A lot of the process moved pretty quick after that and since she felt like she didn't have complete control, became extraordinarily distant from me. Every day skype conversations turned into saying "Hi' every couple of days on G-Chat. She had warned me that deployment for her would be difficult so I assumed that was part of it. After we officially closed on the house she informed me she absolutely refused to move in and wanted to stay in our (cramped) condo. I surrendered, prepped the house for renting and got some renters in there. When she finally returned from deployment, she was still distant and there was no intimacy; it was a far cry from the homecoming I had in my mind. On our first anniversary, she ended up going out with a friend and crashing at their place leaving me alone in the condo. This obviously infuriated me. Excuses and half-hearted apologies later, the dust started to settle. About a week later, suspecting something was off, I went through her phone and opened up a can of worms. She had been having a full blown sexual affair while she was deployed with someone that was deployed with her. Lies at first about their interactions but it all came out. The texts were extraordinarily graphic and disgusted me. To this day she still somewhat blames me for the affair of the whole house purchasing fiasco.

We started going to a marriage counselor who instructed her that the first thing she needed to do was cut off all communication with the third party. She promised she had and we continued to seek a counselor. I was devastated but trying to get by, essentially in a cloud of "WTF is going on?" Compounded with the embarrassment of your SO having an affair only 8 months into a marriage, I tried to get things to work. Over the next couple of weeks, about once a week I asked her if there was any contact and she assured me there wasn't. I even went as far to say that I know it must be difficult to cut someone off and to tell me if there was any contact, she assured me there was none. I found out a month later that she was still in communication with the guy. She dismissed it as being 'hard to do'. I was so ticked that I exploded. I grabbed her phone and destroyed it and punched the wall. At the next counseling session I emotionally 'unloaded' not being degrading, but telling her how she had lied to me and the counselor, and is completely disrespecting me. After this, she stated she's only going to her own counselor but refuses to go back to a MC stating 'she can't handle two different counselors." and how I turned the MC against her as well as I have an anger problem and I scared her when I got angry. In hindsight, I'm starting to view this as she is able to tell her counselor anything she wants as long as its about her but doesn't want to be confronted about how she treats me. Our intimacy is almost completely absent with sex occurring may be once a month, usually longer intervals. 

Now she comes from an AA mother with a very tumultuous household. As of late, I'm starting to feel like a 'victim' in this. She has an uncanny ability to find faults in me, present an argument, and twist it against me. I'm not perfect nor do I claim do be. One of the first things she went after was my finances. I'd give myself a B- at this at best, I could be impulsive and buy things I wanted where as she is very 'in charge' of her finances; It doesn't help that she actually makes more than me. I've never had any late payments or anything but would sometimes spend money for the 'now' instead of thinking long term or saving. I had a past debt from before us meeting from doing stupid things (taking a $5000 moderate interest credit line). I had been paying it down, but she demanded control of it. Finally I conceded that she could have control of the finances but it started getting out of control.

We are both physically active and she has an Iron Man coming up out of country. When looking for a place for four nights. She wanted something nice so instead of getting a hotel room, opted to rent a house to the tune of $2500. I eventually talked her into another one of $1500 but I still feel that's too much. Now I've been an absolute miser the last couple of months under her stating we need to save, not going out during lunch or dinner, so the other day when I went to pick up some groceries, I picked up a six pack of beer and some ice cream. Of course I come home and she criticized me for the $9 worth of spending. Two days later she got the idea that she wanted a greenhouse and decided that what she wants, she gets. Of course the stuff she buys justified as being 'for the both of us'. So far we've spent $250 on it and I've had to design and build it. She had done the same thing two weeks prior in buying a $300 blender that was 'for the both of us' that she shopped for and picked out. Its now to the point where I tell her "Hey sometime this week, I'm going to buy some maintenance parts for the rental house." and she chastises me for not reminding her later in the week, the actual day I bought the parts.

She constantly criticizes how I handled renting out the house. I rented it out to a friend and agreed that we would pay the water bill. The lease states that all utilities are to be paid for by the tenants. I told her I gave my friend my word but she doesn't want any part of that, demanding I tell him its part of the lease and to pay up. We're not hurting on renting out the house, breaking a little less than even (by about $50 a month) when we're paying the water bill. In the almost year that we've owned the house, while I've been over there dozens of times to fix things/sort things out, she's only ever been there once.

She finds flaws in all of my friends "They're not going anywhere." "They're stupid" "They're immature and irresponsible" etc. She has even gone after my family, criticizing my brothers and sisters as well as my parents, pointing out all of their flaws.

Earlier this week I went over to the rental house to take a look at the AC system. The AC guy flaked on me. Trying to not allow it to be a fruitless trip, I decided I'd go to a friends that was five minutes away to grab some stuff. I grabbed some stuff in his garage (since no storage in the condo) so I could take some pictures and put it on CL. I texted her, letting her know I was going there. Now I told her the day before I would come home and work on the greenhouse more (I'm already about 30 hours deep into building this thing.) I was at my friends for about 10 minutes then left. On the way home, I talked to another friend who lives near us. He was asking if I had any knowledge of someone for some parts for his car (as its broken). I in fact did. I called another friend, found out they were there at his garage and he instructed us to swing by to chat/pick up the parts. I called my wife to let her know. It went to voicemail so I left a message telling her I would be later. (It was about 7:45pm by this point). We went over to the friends house, they took care of business and we headed out. I got home about 9:45 and my wife was livid. It blew into her telling me how I stood her up, that I always put my friends and family before her, and I'm selfish because I didn't ask about how her interview went. It was also that "You know I don't check voicemails" and how she assumed me calling was her telling her I as on my way home. I honestly forgot about the interview but it's not like she could take the job; she knows I'll be here for at least two years due to finishing school and owing work a year for paying for it. By the way, this interview started out as 'good interview practice' into a 'this is a good opportunity'. The next day she sent an email about how all her coworkers support her and I don't as well as how she wouldn't have reservations about leaving for the job (in a state 10 hours away) and it was because of my selfishness. I made it a point not to apologize for my actions so I haven't. We had a long but ultimately unproductive conversation that night when I got home from work. She realized she wasn't going to get me to apologize for my actions so she started bringing up other issues for me to apologize about. I didn't cave. 

Well last night our neighbor text me and told me to come downstairs (our condo is on top of a bar). I literally just go home for the day after she had volunteered me to do work at a local animal shelter and I picked up some more stuff from the hardware store for the green house and work preceding all. It was 9:55 and she wasn't home since she was at her choir practice. I had to go back downstairs to get more stuff out of my car anyway so I swung by to say 'Hi.' I told him I could only stay for a couple of minutes and didn't have time for a beer. He insisted on getting me one, I told him I didn't have time to finish it. He insisted, bought me a beer and handed it to me. I stayed for about ten minutes, just chatting and sipping on my beer. My phone was on silent but I checked it at about 10 minutes later. There was an expletive laden text "F__ing seriously?" with five missed calls that she had sent within the past two minutes. I told my friend I had to go and left my half finished beer to go to my car to pick up the other load of stuff. On my way back upstairs, my wife was there at the entrance demanding to know where i was and why I was ignoring her phone calls. I told her I wasn't, that my phone was on silent and that I had stopped by the bar to visit our neighbor. Well I got an email this morning of her stating she talked to our neighbor and how I abruptly left and I had lied about stopping by and that I only left because of her text messages. 

I'm to the point I'm fearful of what I do, constantly second guessing if what I do will tick her off. At first her little idiosyncrasies were cute, now they're scary. I'm chastised like a child for leaving the toilet seat up, I have to put my (electric) toothbrush in a very specific area, how I absolutely can not use soap on the stainless cookware, I need to make the bed perfectly tight and tuck in the sides, I'm not allowed to play video games, I need to learn to stack the dishwasher better, and so forth. Every action I do has rules and I'm finally just completely drained. I'm to the point where I've set up a consultation with a divorce attorney (without her knowledge). I care for this woman, she needs help, but I'm to the point of realizing she needs to do it herself. I really have put effort forth and wish it would work out but I don't think that's in the straws. I guess this rant helps me realize in hindsight what I have to do. Regardless, any advice would be much appreciated.

As an FYI - I took pictures of her communications with said third party if it matters. In divorce, I don't want to clean her out but I'm again afraid she'd try to steamroll me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It's not just her. She needs her man to stand up to her, and stop failing her tests. This has a strong likelihood of repeating itself in your next relationship if you don't recognize your part in all this drama. Read up on "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to start with.

C


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

She shows no remorse for her affair, she in fact blames you! 
She has to control everything - including you. 
She belittles and bullies you. 
And she refuses marriage counseling! Well, she definitely needs the individual counseling, and maybe you do too. You are so laid back that you let her pressure you into proposing and getting married. 

At some point you have to stand up for yourself, has she completely removed your spine? I don't know how you can (or why you do)tolerate how she treats you. I am curious to know what your family thinks of her. As a mom of a 25 year old son, I would be horrified if he was in such a relationship, and I would urge him to call her on her behavior and remove himself from the situation.


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