# How to tell if he is cheating...again.



## alpha24 (Dec 6, 2015)

Let me start with saying, I'm new to this forum. New to forums in general actually, but here it goes...

I have a boyfriend of several years. We have a rocky past.

But I will start with my current dilemma; 

I believe he is cheating again. Or if he is not, I believe at a minimum he is being disingenuous to our relationship. 

Allow me to explain:
He has cheated on me in the past (about 4 years ago). Only once that I know of. It was with his ex wife, of course the one woman who is still in his life (and mine, by association), due to their young child. He swears there were no others, but I don't know what to believe. 

Catching on to the affair was not difficult, but I was also ignorant to the signs of a cheater back then. 

I have not been able to fully trust him since. I broke up with him after my discovery and he left me to be with her (ouch! this still hurts:crying. 

Surprisingly (or perhaps not) their reunion was short lived and less than a year later he appeared on my doorstep begging my forgiveness. I took him back, but it has never been the same. 

Lately he has been traveling for work more often. Obviously I am prone to being paranoid due to past events, but I try to hide it and be positive (usually when I bring up the past it turns into an argument), but I sometimes I slip. 

I avoid snooping. It is a horrible way to live. But several weeks ago I began to notice red flags in his behavior. Couple that to the work travel anxiety I have been battling and I decided to take a quick look. 

That's when I discovered his phone passcode had been changed. This is a big deal in our relationship. He has the password to my phone and I have his, or so I thought. I decided to check the internet history only to discover it had been erased. Another big deal in our relationship is Facebook. I myself refuse to have one and I asked him to delete his after we got back together. Several times I have discovered him logging back in to it, but he denies it, saying he "doesn't know how" the account became active again, or how he only logged in to look at pictures of a vacation our friends posted of us during a couple's trip and he MEANT to turn it back off...(you get the idea):bsflag: .... I have never been able to log into it and I have tried.

I'm afraid he has just become better at hiding it and I don't know what to do. I don't want to confide in him because I don't want to let him know I'm suspicious. I feel like a schmuck for trying to look through his stuff, and an even bigger one now that I couldn't even access any of it. I have considered hiring a private investigator...is that crazy?! I feel crazy for even typing it, but I am simply out of ideas. 

I love my boyfriend because he has always been my best friend. We think almost identically and have the same interests. Our personalities are very compatible. I want our relationship to work, but only if he is willing to be an honest partner. I just don't know if he is capable of that. 

More than anything I just want to know the truth.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

He is cheating on you again. Someone who was truly remorseful would take great care to remain transparent and to keep their word about mutual agreements like not having FB accounts. 

Where there is smoke there is fire and there is plenty of smoke here. Dump him for good this time or accept that you are with a serial cheater.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

alpha24 said:


> I have not been able to fully trust him since. I broke up with him after my discovery and he left me to be with her (ouch! this still hurts:crying.
> 
> Surprisingly (or perhaps not) their reunion was short lived and less than a year later he appeared on my doorstep begging my forgiveness. I took him back, but it has never been the same.


Why did you take him back if you were hurt by his leaving in the first place?



alpha24 said:


> Lately he has been traveling for work more often. Obviously I am prone to being paranoid due to past events, but I try to hide it and be positive (usually when I bring up the past it turns into an argument), but I sometimes I slip.


Paranoia is never good, but if you don't feel you can trust him, then you will be concerned. "Hiding" your feelings is not healthy, it's something you're doing out of fear. You fear the arguments that will ensue if you say something to "P him off." Well, you have a reason to be suspicious, all the more so if he has not behaved remorsefully.



alpha24 said:


> Another big deal in our relationship is Facebook. I myself refuse to have one and I asked him to delete his after we got back together.


He still has it, so clearly it wasn't all that important to you that he delete it.



alpha24 said:


> Several times I have discovered him logging back in to it, but he denies it, saying he "doesn't know how" the account became active again, or how he only logged in to look at pictures of a vacation our friends posted of us during a couple's trip and he MEANT to turn it back off...(you get the idea):bsflag: .... I have never been able to log into it and I have tried.


You go up to him, say "Honey, we agreed that there are no secrets between us. I am struggling to trust you and I want to believe you, but right now I can't. I hide no secrets from you, yet you have password protected your FB account. You could help me to feel trust by offering up your password right now. If you refuse, then I will know where I stand with you and I will be moving on from this relationship. I cannot stay with a man that feels the need to hide things from me."

If he doesn't give you his password, then you end the relationship. It is really very, very simple. Doing it will take a lot of emotional effort on your part, yes you'll be sad, but the fact is that he will not take you seriously unless he knows you are DONE and MOVING ON WITHOUT HIM. Even then, he may not care and you need to be prepared for that. 

So far, you have not put your foot down.



alpha24 said:


> I'm afraid he has just become better at hiding it and I don't know what to do. I don't want to confide in him because I don't want to let him know I'm suspicious.


Again, why not? Why are you afraid of him? Are you really afraid to lose a man that could very well be hiding things from you? Are you really afraid to lose a man that won't be open and honest with you? I think you may want to look deep down and really think about the kind of man you want.



alpha24 said:


> I feel like a schmuck for trying to look through his stuff, a*nd an even bigger one now that I couldn't even access any of it*.


There's no time like the present to go up to him and ask for his password. Being sneaky about it hasn't netted you anything, so try a different approach.



alpha24 said:


> I have considered hiring a private investigator...is that crazy?! I feel crazy for even typing it, but I am simply out of ideas.


Many here have hired PIs due to suspicions. My question would be, do you really NEED one? Is his behavior enough to make you reconsider being in this relationship, or are you the type of person that needs hard evidence to believe? That is a question that only you can answer.



alpha24 said:


> I love my boyfriend because he has always been my best friend. We think almost identically and have the same interests. Our personalities are very compatible. I want our relationship to work, but only if he is willing to be an honest partner. I just don't know if he is capable of that.


I will actually be so bold as to disagree with you. Your personalities are not compatible. You have portrayed yourself as being very open. As the original victim of cheating you have done more than your share of being the examplar of open, trusting communication. He on the other hand, is giving you doubts and feeding your insecurities. That is not compatible to your personality AT ALL because it is a way you would not and have not behaved.



alpha24 said:


> More than anything I just want to know the truth.


I apologize if any of my words have stung or offended. I could very well be wrong about many things I've posted, but regardless, it is my truth. I think you need to be a little more confident in your own truth, because it is lingering somewhere in between your fear and uncertainty.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dump him. he isn't worth it! And yes, I think he is cheating.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

His actions sound very suspicious, keep your mouth shut and observe, make notes of times, places, things said. You will begin to see a pattern. Put a VAR in his car to record conversations he might have. If that doesn't work get a PI.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Spend the money for the PI. It's the best way to get the truth, and you'll know one way or the other so you can move on to either staying or going.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

alpha24 said:


> Let me start with saying, I'm new to this forum. New to forums in general actually, but here it goes...
> 
> I have a boyfriend of several years. We have a rocky past.
> 
> ...


My husband and I were separated for a year. There was no infidelity, but I had similar trust issues because his family always interfered and were involved in our marriage, to the point that they became a big threat and we almost divorced. (I won't get into it, but they truly were a bunch of crazies!) After the year-long separation my husband begged me to give it a second try and moved in. But I still mistrusted his family a lot! They were constantly calling him and messaging him...I started to look at his phone when he was in the shower, or sleeping, or away for a few minutes. I wanted to make sure his family was not continuing to be snoopy and interfere...

That's not who I wanted to be. It is paranoid. You can't have a healthy relationship if you continue to spy on him.

You either need to stop your behaviour and move beyond what happened in the past and deal with him based on how he is today, OR you need to recognize that the trust is broken and will likely not be restored (because his behaviour and your behaviour will not allow it to be restored) and break up.

Tough decision, I know. In my case, I stopped spying. But new unrelated problems popped up and we still broke up.


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