# when you do ..., it makes me feel ...



## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi, and thanks for reading
I am looking for your opinion on how you would react if your partner told you "when you do 'a', it makes me feel 'b'". One example would be "when you don't keep your promises, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". My husband's response to a statement like that is usually that it is not his intention and he doesn't want me to feel this way. BUT he continues to not keep his promises. 
It really baffles me. If he doesn't want me to feel this way, why would he keep doing it? Am I being totally unreasonable here? Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to work on keeping his promises to make me feel cared for. 
Another example would be "when you don't compliment me, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". He again says it is not his intention, but he still doesn't complement me.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

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I'd say "When you say you care about my feelings but then show complete disregard for them by not making an effort to change your behavior, it makes me want a divorce."


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

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Seems pretty straight forward to me. I think most people would understand.

Although, he may feel that by telling you "this is not my intention" he has fixed the problem. "When you don't compliment, me I feel like you don't care about me", "But honey when I don't compliment you, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. I just don't think to do it." In his mind PROBLEM SOLVED.

Tell him straight up. "I need you to compliment me in order to feel loved."


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

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Well, there are two ways to look at this: he could change what he does, or you could change how you feel. Maybe he thinks the latter is the solution rather than the former.

Maybe you could add, "..., so I would appreciate it if you would [not] do that, as I can't seem to change how I feel about it."


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

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grisha said:


> Hi, and thanks for reading
> I am looking for your opinion on how you would react if your partner told you "when you do 'a', it makes me feel 'b'". One example would be "when you don't keep your promises, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". My husband's response to a statement like that is usually that it is not his intention and he doesn't want me to feel this way. BUT he continues to not keep his promises.
> It really baffles me. If he doesn't want me to feel this way, why would he keep doing it? Am I being totally unreasonable here? Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to work on keeping his promises to make me feel cared for.
> Another example would be "when you don't compliment me, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". He again says it is not his intention, but he still doesn't complement me.


TBH this seems a bit vague. For example, as far as compliments, what are we talkinig about here? Are you expecting to receive compliments from him every day, just occasional acknowledgments, etc...? Is he saying something to you that makes you feel like he is doing the opposite of complimenting you? Are you looking for constant attention, is that the type of compliment you are looking for?

As far as the promises, if he says he will do something he should, but once again, what type of promises? Did he promise to pick up eggs on the way from work, did he promise not to go out in public without pants anymore, etc ...?

It is hard to say whether or not you are being unreasonable without understanding better the promises and the compliments in question.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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EllisRedding said:


> TBH this seems a bit vague. For example, as far as compliments, what are we talkinig about here? Are you expecting to receive compliments from him every day, just occasional acknowledgments, etc...? Is he saying something to you that makes you feel like he is doing the opposite of complimenting you? Are you looking for constant attention, is that the type of compliment you are looking for?
> 
> As far as the promises, if he says he will do something he should, but once again, what type of promises? Did he promise to pick up eggs on the way from work, did he promise not to go out in public without pants anymore, etc ...?
> 
> It is hard to say whether or not you are being unreasonable without understanding better the promises and the compliments in question.


Well, I don't think I am looking for constant attention. A weekly "you look good" would suffice. He doesn't compliment at all. I have even specifically said that I work hard at the gym, and could he please acknowledge that?
Another example is I called him at work with good news about a medical test result. He said "Ok, let's talk about it later tonight". He never brought it up again. 
Or I ask him to cut the grass. He doesn't. I remind him a week later, and he says he is going to do it. I remind him again another week later, and he says "can't you see that I am busy".


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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batsociety said:


> I'd say "When you say you care about my feelings but then show complete disregard for them by not making an effort to change your behavior, it makes me want a divorce."


I have tried something similar, and it usually results in an argument with him saying that he does make an effort.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

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grisha said:


> Well, I don't think I am looking for constant attention. A weekly "you look good" would suffice. He doesn't compliment at all. I have even specifically said that I work hard at the gym, and could he please acknowledge that?
> Another example is I called him at work with good news about a medical test result. He said "Ok, let's talk about it later tonight". He never brought it up again.
> Or I ask him to cut the grass. He doesn't. I remind him a week later, and he says he is going to do it. I remind him again another week later, and he says "can't you see that I am busy".


Funny, I am maybe in a similar situation. I work out frequently, have gotten into very good shape, but don't often get compliments from my wife (more often get compliments from other people). However, at least for me I know she is happy with the way I look so honestly I don't need her to tell me. I do understand where you are coming from with this though. Is he in shape, is he maybe insecure about himself which is why he brushes off the work you do in the gym (nothing sexier than a female in the gym IMO  )?

Honestly, he just sounds lazy. How is everything else with your marriage, do you feel like he is "checking out" or just coasting by?


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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Married but Happy said:


> Well, there are two ways to look at this: he could change what he does, or you could change how you feel. Maybe he thinks the latter is the solution rather than the former.
> 
> Maybe you could add, "..., so I would appreciate it if you would [not] do that, as I can't seem to change how I feel about it."


I haven't tried this yet. 
I am trying to understand what drives him. Normally when I start conversations like that, they results in an argument with him saying it is not his intention to make me feel like that, my feeling are unreasonable, etc, etc. He eventually makes me go crazy and start yelling.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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EllisRedding said:


> Funny, I am maybe in a similar situation. I work out frequently, have gotten into very good shape, but don't often get compliments from my wife (more often get compliments from other people). However, at least for me I know she is happy with the way I look so honestly I don't need her to tell me. I do understand where you are coming from with this though. Is he in shape, is he maybe insecure about himself which is why he brushes off the work you do in the gym (nothing sexier than a female in the gym IMO  )?
> 
> Honestly, he just sounds lazy. How is everything else with your marriage, do you feel like he is "checking out" or just coasting by?


He is probably happy with how I look, but I DO need him to tell me. He is not really in shape - he is not overweight, but has no muscle mass. He goes to the gym occasionally, but doesn't really do much there. He maybe insecure about it deep down (would never admit it), but what prevents him from working out harder? 
He seems to prefer to be coasting by. When I don't complain, everything is great.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

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grisha said:


> He is probably happy with how I look, but I DO need him to tell me. He is not really in shape - he is not overweight, but has no muscle mass. He goes to the gym occasionally, but doesn't really do much there. He maybe insecure about it deep down (would never admit it), but what prevents him from working out harder?
> He seems to prefer to be coasting by. When I don't complain, everything is great.


Unfortunately not everyone is going to have the drive or desire to work out (or put more effort in to). Maybe he has low test, etc... If it is not affecting your relationship and it is not important to him, then I would guess there is no incentive for him to do any different.

I understand it feels good to hear a compliment, but why DO you need it? I guess my point, you should be working out primarily for yourself, whether it be for health reasons or just to feel good about yourself. That is my priority, but don't get me wrong, I also want to look great (naked or clothed) for my wife. I am just saying, if you need this validation from him then it seems like there is probably something else missing in your relationship.

Are you content for things to stay as is (for him to coast by unless you complain)? It would seem like for him, he coasts, you complain, he maybe does a few things, then goes back to coasting. Without any really push or threat from your side, why would he change? If he is not willing to change for you, then I think that may lead to some more difficult decisions.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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EllisRedding said:


> Unfortunately not everyone is going to have the drive or desire to work out (or put more effort in to). Maybe he has low test, etc... If it is not affecting your relationship and it is not important to him, then I would guess there is no incentive for him to do any different.
> 
> I understand it feels good to hear a compliment, but why DO you need it? I guess my point, you should be working out primarily for yourself, whether it be for health reasons or just to feel good about yourself. That is my priority, but don't get me wrong, I also want to look great (naked or clothed) for my wife. I am just saying, if you need this validation from him then it seems like there is probably something else missing in your relationship.
> 
> Are you content for things to stay as is (for him to coast by unless you complain)? It would seem like for him, he coasts, you complain, he maybe does a few things, then goes back to coasting. Without any really push or threat from your side, why would he change? If he is not willing to change for you, then I think that may lead to some more difficult decisions.


I guess receiving complements makes me feel loved. I do work out for myself as I enjoy workouts themselves and they make me feel awesome.
What would be a push or threat from my side to make him change? I did threaten divorce before. It makes him mad, and I don't think he believes I would actually go through with it. I seem to want a lot more from a relationship than him. We argue a lot, and arguments usually start with how he makes me feel, he would get mad.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

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grisha said:


> I guess receiving complements makes me feel loved. I do work out for myself as I enjoy workouts themselves and they make me feel awesome.
> What would be a push or threat from my side to make him change? I did threaten divorce before. It makes him mad, and I don't think he believes I would actually go through with it. I seem to want a lot more from a relationship than him. We argue a lot, and arguments usually start with how he makes me feel, he would get mad.


It can definitely be tough, if you love working out and it makes you feel awesome, and your SO is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. That could be said for really any activity or hobby, if you are genuinely in to you would hope your SO would at least show some interest or acknowledgment of it.

Well, I guess threat of divorce would be the threat. Are you actually willing to go through with it? If all he does is get mad, and then you drop the issue, once again there is no reason for him to change or make an effort. If things don't change, are you content staying married to him?


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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EllisRedding said:


> It can definitely be tough, if you love working out and it makes you feel awesome, and your SO is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. That could be said for really any activity or hobby, if you are genuinely in to you would hope your SO would at least show some interest or acknowledgment of it.
> 
> Well, I guess threat of divorce would be the threat. Are you actually willing to go through with it? If all he does is get mad, and then you drop the issue, once again there is no reason for him to change or make an effort. If things don't change, are you content staying married to him?


I am not sure if I am content staying married to him. I have been on the fence about a divorce for a few years now. As I get closer to leaving and checking out emotionally he would usually start doing things that would make me feel like he is finally getting it. I check back in, and he would fall back into his old ways.
Then I would start complaining again (with it being more and more painful every time), he would first argue that it is not true and I am making up stories. He considers the statement "when you do ..., it makes feel ..." to be me making up a story as it is not true in his head. Then we argue as it is very hurtful for me to hear. He would start making changes after some arguing. But changes don't usually last.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

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grisha said:


> Well, I don't think I am looking for constant attention. A weekly "you look good" would suffice. He doesn't compliment at all. I have even specifically said that I work hard at the gym, and could he please acknowledge that?
> Another example is I called him at work with good news about a medical test result. He said "Ok, let's talk about it later tonight". He never brought it up again.
> Or I ask him to cut the grass. He doesn't. I remind him a week later, and he says he is going to do it. I remind him again another week later, and he says "can't you see that I am busy".


I do not think your unreasonable to want recognition in the way you feel, or the way you look, or wanting your husband to show interest in what you have to say or do.

When my husband comes in from work, and he tells me about his day, I could just say "hmm" and just walk off, but no i do not, I am happy to hear about his day, and show interest in the things he has to say, and does, and i expect this back to which hes happy to.

No, I do not think your attention seeking at all TBH.

The garden part, Maybe he is generally busy if he works.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

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grisha said:


> *He considers the statement "when you do ..., it makes feel ..." to be me making up a story as it is not true in his head.* Then we argue as it is very hurtful for me to hear. He would start making changes after some arguing. But changes don't usually last.


See bold and italicized. 

You have the right idea, but IMO it would help to be a little more precise. He doesn't "make you feel" anything. While is it true that "He Does X, and I feel Y" he isn't the cause of feeling Y. It sounds like semantics but it is an important one. 

He doesn't believe that he makes you feel something, it is not true in his mind, and that is as far as it goes, most likely.

My recommendation- be even more direct. Lose "you make me feel" and stick with "I feel" and be precise.

"When you don't keep your promises, I lose respect for you. I realize that I can't rely on you."

"When you tell me that my feelings are unreasonable, I feel very sad and let down. I realize that you are not willing to hear me, and that you are not emotionally available for me."

In other words, state your position as calmly as you can and stand your ground. "Regardless of your intentions, this is how it is for me. You mean not intend it but you hurt me. Since you don't make changes to avoid hurting me, my only sane course of action is to move away from you, withdraw from you." 

I would tell him as frankly as possible, or in a letter, "You do a lot of things that I don't respect. You do not the things you say you are going to do. You don't show that you care for me- in your own words, You don't think about it. I am emotionally detaching from you and I cannot promise that this relationship is going to continue unless there are some big changes."

Do you have the books "His Needs, Her Needs"? It sounds like you have the beginning but you need his buy-in.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Marriage counseling. You two are not communicating well. Let him hear it from a neutral third party.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

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grisha said:


> I am not sure if I am content staying married to him. I have been on the fence about a divorce for a few years now. As I get closer to leaving and checking out emotionally he would usually start doing things that would make me feel like he is finally getting it. I check back in, and he would fall back into his old ways.
> Then I would start complaining again (with it being more and more painful every time), he would first argue that it is not true and I am making up stories. He considers the statement "when you do ..., it makes feel ..." to be me making up a story as it is not true in his head. Then we argue as it is very hurtful for me to hear. He would start making changes after some arguing. But changes don't usually last.


Have you tried marriage counseling? Or maybe even go the separation route. If he really wants the marriage to work he will have to fight for it now. if he doesn't or things don't change, then you at least know they never will as long as you stay married to him (so it is up to you how much hurt you are willing to live with)


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## Big Tree (Jul 25, 2014)

You are telling him how you feel.

Tell him what you want.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

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RoseAglow said:


> See bold and italicized.
> 
> You have the right idea, but IMO it would help to be a little more precise. He doesn't "make you feel" anything. While is it true that "He Does X, and I feel Y" he isn't the cause of feeling Y. It sounds like semantics but it is an important one.
> 
> ...


Ok, interesting. I didn't think of is this way. I will try.

I did read "His Needs, her needs" twice. It took me a lot of effort to get him to read it as well. I wanted to discuss it after we both read it, but I was so exhausted from just getting him to read it. And he again never brought it up. 
We read a few chapters together, and I found his perception of the book a bit strange. There was a chapter on 4 enemies of intimate conversations. When I was reading that myself, I was thinking I do 2 of these 4 a lot, and he does 2 others a lot. I should work on stopping the 2 that I do. After he read that portion, he said that I do the 2, and I replied "Yes, I will work on stopping that". Then I have asked him about the 2 that he does. And he said that they don't bother him as much. And I was thinking "What?" It never even occurred to him that he may be doing something wrong as well, and there is something he can work on.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

We did go to counselling. It revolved around resolving arguments that we were having. We would come and say "We argued about X". She would help us resolve it, but our communication didn't really improve.
He also seemed to be latching onto her words that work for him. For example, it was counsellor's words that if he doesn't communicate things, I would make up my own story. So now, whenever I complain, he tells me that I am making up a story. It is rather hurtful.
The counsellor also said that him not keeping his promises is making me loose my trust in him. That never seemed to register. But whenever I remind him that I don't really trust his word, he gets upset and says that I am saying hurtful things.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

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EllisRedding said:


> Unfortunately not everyone is going to have the drive or desire to work out (or put more effort in to). Maybe he has low test, etc... If it is not affecting your relationship and it is not important to him, then I would guess there is no incentive for him to do any different.
> 
> I understand it feels good to hear a compliment, but why DO you need it? I guess my point, you should be working out primarily for yourself, whether it be for health reasons or just to feel good about yourself. That is my priority, but don't get me wrong, I also want to look great (naked or clothed) for my wife. I am just saying, if you need this validation from him then it seems like there is probably something else missing in your relationship.
> 
> Are you content for things to stay as is (for him to coast by unless you complain)? It would seem like for him, he coasts, you complain, he maybe does a few things, then goes back to coasting. Without any really push or threat from your side, why would he change? If he is not willing to change for you, then I think that may lead to some more difficult decisions.



Needing validation from another person (Spouse in this case) is a dangerous thing because they will always disappoint you.

Yes, it's nice to be noticed or acknowledged but you shouldn't "need" it to feel of value.

My wife isn't the most complimentary person in the world either. She's much better than she used to be, which is nice, but she's never been as complimentary as I'd prefer. What I've done is to do things because they are pleasing to me or because they are the right thing to do.

I've weened myself from the need for another person's approval or validation. Is it nice to get? You bet but I'd prefer to be pleasantly surprised at the compliment than to be disappointed every time it doesn't happen.

As for OP's "cut the grass" example, if he says he's going to do it and a week or two or three goes by, hire someone else to do it. It's obvious at that point that he doesn't wish to cut the grass or thinks he's too busy and it's not worth his time.

Solve the problem for him. Just a thought.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I just want to really stick my foot in here because there is more going on than you thought at first. I have skimmed rather than read the thread. I see that this is starting to be discussed. 

I'm going to use my own feelings rather than yours so you can see this from the outside. The point of this is that your husband is trying to tell you that your feelings do not reflect a reality. Essentially you are saying to him "I need you to change your behavior for me to be happy." Changing people is hard. It takes a lot of time. And the key element is that the person making the change, has to be motivated to do it.

ok back to the example. I say to my wife "When you don't talk with me about the relationship, I feel that you are distancing yourself from me emotionally" She says She is just tired. Now at this point I can believe what she says or I can believe what I feel. Either one might be right. But the thing I believe will affect the relationship either for good or bad. 

You also have the choice as to what you believe. You are not controlled by your emotions. Usually it is best to not take actions based on your feelings until they are proven to be true.
MN


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

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Mostlycontent said:


> Needing validation from another person (Spouse in this case) is a dangerous thing because they will always disappoint you.
> 
> Yes, it's nice to be noticed or acknowledged but you shouldn't "need" it to feel of value.
> 
> ...


Several posters have questioned the OP's need to hear compliments and positive comments form her husband, which is extremely unfair to her...WORDS OF AFFIRMATION is one of the 5 Love Languages, folks. This is one of the primary ways that she feels loved and appreciated by her partner. 

*"Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.*

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
Encouraging words: “Encourage” means “to inspire courage”. All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, which often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. Perhaps you or your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting encouraging words from you or from him.

Kind words: If we’re to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The statement “I love you”, when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love.

Humble words: Love makes requests, not demands. In marriage we’re equal partners. If we’re to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we make our needs known in the form of a request, we’re giving guidance, not ultimatums.

If this is your partner’s love language: Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month."*


In fact, Mostlycontent, according to your own post, I'm thinking that words of affirmation may be your primary love language, but instead of trying to get your needs met, you are letting your partner slide at your expense. Maybe take the assessment 

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I can't recall when the last time I was complimented by my H. What I noticed is that the more I asked just about anything and I don't get any results, he takes it as white noise and I'm just being a nag. This constant disregard for my feelings left me feeling frustrated and angry with him. I didn't like that he had such a hold on my emotions that I could be feeling fine and beautiful but not having it validated by him was making me more depressed. So, I stopped seeking his approval. I had to be enough for myself. If I'm feeling pretty, I tell myself that I look good and it boost my self esteem. I also had to practice daily affirmation to keep me centered. The more I repeated the words out loud while looking in the mirror, the more I internalized them. I've come to see that my H wasn't a puppet and I couldn't make him do anything but I can improve on myself. So, if my 8 year old tells me that I look beautiful, I stop and give him a hug and tell him "thank you, honey. Mommy really appreciate that compliment". Yes, it would be nice if it came from my H but I no longer am looking for him to validate me. While I on the other hand offers him complemenents, he doesn't seem to appreciate it so they are few and far between.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

You not resolving anything..

1...Describe behaviour
2...Explain feelings
3...Suggest alternative behaviours
4...Resolve to a new feeling based on the new behaviours.

He doesn't get it because all your doing is accusing him of making you feel bad feelings. But not providing him of a way to accomplish resolution.

Keep using the first 2 steps, don't forget the resolution part.


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## another shot (Apr 14, 2015)

Give him VERY these specific instructions saying you want to try something to solve a problem you are having. Men love to solve problems. Give him a chance to do so. Say...

"Promise me right now in fifteen minutes, you will give me a compliment and then actually do so. My heart needs that from you within fifteen without fail. Can you do that for me?" 

Insist on an answer. 

If you do that for me I will give you a scooby snack which can be whatever you want it to be.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

grisha said:


> *"when you don't keep your promises, it makes me feel like you don't care about me".* My husband's response to a statement like that is usually that it is not his intention and he doesn't want me to feel this way. *BUT he continues to not keep his promises. *
> It really baffles me. If he doesn't want me to feel this way, why would he keep doing it? Am I being totally unreasonable here? Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to work on keeping his promises to make me feel cared for.



OK, I'm going to play devils advocate here. Kind of like when the police set up a sting to arrest someone, but then they can't because they were entrapping the suspects and creating crime that did not otherwise exist had they not set up their sting.

If you already know your husband is going to break his promises, why would you get him to promise you something and then tell yourself that if he breaks this promise that he does not care about you? Seems like you are nagging him and finding ways to get him in trouble and make the situation worse by creating problems of telling yourself he does not care about you based on predicable behavior. 

I could easily argue that you do not care about him or yourself because you have not demonstrated any followthrough on your end of making him keep his promises. 

Instead of entrapping your husband into committing repeated relationship misdemeanors, try using your efforts to entrap him into doing something positive! A good example might be to go out and buy some sexy thong underwear and put it somewhere he will obviously find it when he does his morning routine. Put a note on it that says, "if you want to see me in these, then don't forget to fix the mailbox!" In the event he fixes the mailbox right away and smiles about it, that is also a compliment of how beautiful he thinks you are! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

badsanta said:


> A* good example might be to go out and buy some sexy thong underwear and put it somewhere he will obviously find it *when he does his morning routine. Put a note on it that says, "if you want to see me in these, then don't forget to fix the mailbox!" In the event he fixes the mailbox right away and smiles about it, that is also a compliment of how beautiful he thinks you are!


I tried this, didn't work as expected, my wife just ended up getting pissed wanting to know why some other woman's thong underwear were in our house ... Also, it raised more questions about why would she want to see me in a woman's thong ...


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