# Insensitive or am I overreacting?



## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

So, I apologize ahead of time if this is long-I haven't posted much on this board-here and there. I am a big reader though. I got married in October of last year. My husband is honestly one of the sweetest guys-everybody loves him, including me. But during a misunderstanding or argument he acts like a different guy.

I have been experiencing some health concerns lately-I noticed a lump and swelling in my left leg and my whole leg gets swollen and hot and the veins bulge a bit. It's quite painful-my mother who was a nurse said it could be DVT (A blood clot) and I should get it checked out. So we decided I would make an appointment my next day off because we can't afford for me to miss any work right now.

So I have been very anxious about this and have had some pretty intense anxiety with pain in my chest when I take deep breaths, and occasionally getting short of breath. I haven't been able to sleep much from worrying and pain that wakes me up. so I went to work and had a stressful day due to some ongoing problems with one of my employees. I was gone 9 hours-My husband knows abut my leg and what my mom said, etc. I come home and he greets me -we talk about our days. He had the day off and spent half the day sleeping and half the day playing video games and having fun. Well about 10 minutes after coming home I get up to start dinner and the kitchen is a mess-the sink is full of dishes, the garbage is overloaded and he says he is going to call his brother back. (His brother called that morning-early, and my husband didn't take the call because he was too sleepy. I encouraged him to call him back that morning in case it was an emergency since it was kind of an early call) So I clean the kitchen, start dinner and then go to take the garbage out and he tells his brother to hold on (They are talking about IRAs and investments) and says "baby i'll do that" when I am already halfway out the door-but he doesn't actually move or get up to help. SO I just wave at him like "Its fine" and go and do it. 
when he gets off the phone he comes and asks if I'm all right and I say "I guess-I just hurt and we haven't spent much time together" and he hugs me. Then he goes and plays a video game for the next hour and doesn't really talk to me.....so, yeah, I am pretty hurt and sad.

He eventually stops playing (When I finish dinner and he comes and eats) and says he wants to spend time with me. I told him It felt like I wasn't much of a priority today and I need him because I have been so concerned and in pain. He said "How often do I talk to my brother? You have to be fair and let me talk to my brother" Meanwhile-I encouraged him to call his brother back that morning and he had the entire day to himself....and it wasn't even the phone call that made me feel low, it was his immediately playing a video game. So-this lead to an argument because he kept saying "You are mad that I talked to my brother?" and no matter how many times I tried to explain it, he just didn't get it-and I didn't yell or call names or any of that stuff. 

So, the next morning, my dr's appointment-my mom was taking me because she is pretty good friends with our family doc and she wanted to talk to him about my sister's lupus. I thought My husband would go with me since it was kind of a big deal. Anyway, he didn't talk to me that morning as I was getting ready to leave-he laid in bed-awake- and I went over and kissed him goodbye on his forehead. He didn't say a word...so I went and immediately got sent to the hospital for an ultrasound for DVT -I was a hold and call-I texted this to my husband and I got no response for almost an hour-so I texted again and he finally responded asking what the scan said and said he was praying for me and stuff. 
Eventually it came back negative for DVT but I had Superficial thrombophlebitis which is swelling and inflammation of the superficial veins caused by clots. Told this to my husband via phone and he went to work. When I got home, I followed doc's orders and was looking through our search history on our laptop to find a website about my condition I had looked at the previous day when I was looking up all the things it could be. scrolling through, I saw that my husband was watching wrestling and looking at pictures of half naked WWE divas while I was in the hospital.....

So am I being crazy? I mean-I am really hurt and when I tell him "the way you acted today made me feel really uncared for because I needed your emotional support and you didn't come to the hospital or even kiss me goodbye" he says "I am so tired of hearing you say you feel like I don't care". I feel like instead of listening and trying to communicate and work things out, he gets defensive or dismissive. I don't know how else to get through to him?? any advice/ideas? I just want him to try and be a little more empathetic.


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm a little lost. You start out by saying that your husband is one of the sweetest men. But not one thing you said about him paints that picture to me. He sound like a jerk that cares nothing for you at all. Sounds like he needs a wake up call and if this is his normal behavior, maybe some couples counseling.

Ray


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm a little lost. You start out by saying that your husband is one of the sweetest men. But not one thing you said about him paints that picture to me. He sound like a jerk that cares nothing for you at all. Sounds like he needs a wake up call and if this is his normal behavior, maybe some couples counseling.

Ray


----------



## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I'm a little lost. You start out by saying that your husband is one of the sweetest men. But not one thing you said about him paints that picture to me. He sound like a jerk that cares nothing for you at all. Sounds like he needs a wake up call and if this is his normal behavior, maybe some couples counseling.
> 
> Ray


Hi Ray, thanks for the reply. I just want to make clear this is one incident and much bigger than anything that normally occurs in our relationship. My husband is definitely, by no means, a jerk. I don't believe one misstep makes someone a bad person. I started off by saying he is one of the sweetest guys, because he really is! The majority of our time together is damn near perfect. It isn't his normal behavior-I probably would've posted here a lot more if this happened often. It just sometimes feels I struggle to get him to see my point of view in arguments-this being a recent and unusual example. I hope that clears everything up! I just wanted some tips to try and communicate things-does anyone have a way that works best for them?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that this sort of thing seldom happens. So how often does it happen?

Last evening after work when you came home, cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner. You needed help but did not tell that you needed help. When you took the trash out, he said he'd do it but you told him that it was ok, you would do it.

Then in the morning you did not tell him that you would like him to go to the hospital with you for support.

You need to be much clearer about what you need and what you feel.

When you came home and the kitchen was a mess, you should have told him that you needed help because you did not feel well. If he said that he had to all his brother then tell him that you will rest while you wait for him to get off the phone.

In the morning, when he did not talk to you, you should have said something if it bothered you. Not something attacking but maybe tell him good morning and ask him how he is.. draw him out.

Does your husband always leave the housework and cooking up to you?


----------



## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You say that this sort of thing seldom happens. So how often does it happen?
> 
> Last evening after work when you came home, cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner. You needed help but did not tell that you needed help. When you took the trash out, he said he'd do it but you told him that it was ok, you would do it.
> 
> ...


I did tell him about the hospital the night before and told him I would like him to come. It's not that i don't tell him things- i should've mentioned that but I was trying to get my thoughts out. I couldn't really take the time to stop and tell him that his ignoring me bothered that morning because I had to get to the doctor appt. on time- I did tell him later and it ended up in defensiveness. This is the first time something as serious as this happened. Most of the time it is small things but he has trouble hearing that something upset me. He gets defensive and I think it's the way he was raised. I probably could have waited for him to get off the phone instead of doing the trash myself, you're right. I guess I was just upset and stressed out and I don't like to feel like I am complaining by saying I am in pain. I worked through a fractured foot for a whole week before getting it checked out. And I do the dishes and cook 98% of the time - he does do the dishes sometimes. He cooked once but I usually enjoy cooking so it's not something I mind. But I was more upset about him just playing video games when I came home instead of spending time with me. When I had a rough day- and in my original post I did mention I told him that. 

I am thinking I might try writing my feelings and see if that works? He had a rough childhood where he often felt he had to be in defensive mode...so I do try to keep that in mind. But he actually came home tonight and owned up to everything and said he had been being a jerk and feels like he failed me. It just takes him a few days to realize sometimes when he does hurtful things- is this just something I need to get used to and try to be patient? Or is there a way I can help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

You have no doubt that he loves you, so one thing you have to do is let him know you need him to love you the way YOU need to be loved. People say 'I love you" all the time, but that doesn't mean the person feels the love. Consider that a person can beat his wife and still claim to love her. Do you think she needs to be loved in the way he thinks is a good idea to express it to her? That may be an extreme example, but I'm sure you get my point.

To help you out, just google "how to communicate effectively." Learning effective communication will help you get your point across, and also help him to hear and process what you're saying in that moment.

Additionally, there are a couple books you both can read. One is "His Needs, Her Needs" and the other is "The Five Love Languages."

One thing about love and relationships is understanding that both parties have equal responsibility to and in the relationship. There's no way a marriage can fail but only one person be blamed for its failure. If there are problems, both are equal contributors to the problems. You came here for suggestions in getting him to understand what you need, recognizing that perhaps he requires more from your communications. But, I think you should understand also that it's possible you need too much.

You appear very needy, I'm afraid, and a little too controlling and demanding of his time, attention, and affection. In much of what you expressed to us, it was apparent you keep trying to prioritize and allocate his time for him. There were 3 or 4 times that you did that. 

You didn't make an awful big deal of it, but it does bother you that he didn't call his brother when you thought he should and didn't do it when you told him to. You feel that had he followed your instruction, he would have been available when you wanted him available. See how you tried to schedule his time and activity for him? He called his brother when HE wanted to call his brother.

He told you he would get the trash, but you got angry that he didn't do it right then, got angry that you didn't have his undivided attention at that moment, and you reacted with sullenness for him to know you were displeased. I know how you acted because he came in to ask if you were all right. He cannot have known you were NOT all right had you not told him by your passive aggressive body language, sighing out loud, huffing and puffing, rolling your eyes, or something.

I think all that is just awful and pretty childish. What you want him to do is not more important than what he wants to do. Not to mention, it wasn't all that important that trash be taken out right then and there.

If you don't grow up, you're going to start getting on his nerves. He can't read your mind, and nobody likes being married to someone who acts like a baby. Wanting emotional support is not the same as turning someone into your emotional crutch, and then determining FOR them that they don't care about you after you confess yourself that he really does. Therefore, he knows he does but is being made to feel the amount of "care" you need is more than can be achieved. You don't want him to give up trying because you knock down his efforts. People don't ordinarily need to be fawned over their sore leg. They endure it, get checked out, receive care and concern, and go about the business of dealing with it without constant attention over it.

Sorry if I'm too direct for your taste because I don't intend to hurt your feelings. If your feelings are hurt, then examine and reflect on that, and you'll see my point. Otherwise, I hope you take it as constructive criticism.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MissBrittB87 said:


> I did tell him about the hospital the night before and told him I would like him to come. It's not that i don't tell him things


Did you ASK him to come with you? I respond differently when someone says "I would like you to do x" than when they say "Will you please do x?".

When you ask, "Will you please come with me to the hospital? I really need your support," he either will come with you, or at least has to tell you that "no, I can't or won't come with you because x."

Will you please help me with the dishes? Will you please take out the garbage? And if he says, "yes, once I'm off the phone," then you accept that and can't get upset unless he doesn't do the dishes or garbage after he gets off the phone.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I am scratching my head a little over why he didn't go to the hospital with you since he didn't seem to have anything more important to do. But, I agree with most of what's been said. You have to be clear with him about what you want. Saying "I don't feel like you care" doesn't help. It would have been better if, when he went off to play the video game, you had said "Hey honey, would you mind hanging out with me for a little bit?" rather than thinking you wanted him to do something and resenting him because he didn't do it.


----------



## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> You have no doubt that he loves you, so one thing you have to do is let him know you need him to love you the way YOU need to be loved. People say 'I love you" all the time, but that doesn't mean the person feels the love. Consider that a person can beat his wife and still claim to love her. Do you think she needs to be loved in the way he thinks is a good idea to express it to her? That may be an extreme example, but I'm sure you get my point.
> 
> To help you out, just google "how to communicate effectively." Learning effective communication will help you get your point across, and also help him to hear and process what you're saying in that moment.
> 
> ...


Wow-well, you seem to have misunderstood a lot here. Yikes. Interesting that Rayloveshiswife comment is so far in the opposite direction of yours. So maybe the truth is somewhere in between. He was asking if I was all right because my leg is swollen and hurting-not because I was huffing or puffing or rolling my eyes. He was checking on my physical well being-and I told him I am hurting and wish we had more time together. He went to play a video game....It turns out-he has been stressed at work and admitted to being a little on the neglectful side. if you read all of my posts. I also said this doesn't happen often-so it's interesting you say I am too demanding and needy and controlling of his time from one post about one incident.

I appear needy because I had a potentially life threatening problem with my leg and I was worried about it and wanted my husband there or at least to kiss me goodbye when I kiss him goodbye? That's the definition of needy? and childish? I do think you are being entirely one sided and what you said isn't constructive because, like you said-a problem is never just one person's fault. So-how is it that you turn everything around on me? When my husband came to me on his own and admitted he let me down? I didn't want to be fawned over for my leg-it is frustrating to hear that considering I have been struggling. You come off very callous. I worked, cleaned, cooked dinner and took out the trash. And it isn't just a "sore leg" my doctor actually called me this morning and said I have a bacterial infection in my blood which is causing my leg and veins to swell. But I don't and shouldn't need to get into that here. I came here for suggestions in communicating with someone who I adore but has defensive walls. And I thought this was a support board to help people? Not say "you are going to get on his nerves". wow. Because I came here asking for advice? And am newly married and trying to get other people's opinions to communicate better? 

I am sure I am not the only woman who has come home to overflowing trash when her husband has been home all day and has gotten a little bummed. But if I try to clear up any of the misunderstandings you have of me, I am sure it will just be considered childish so...I have actually read the 5 love languages and it's interesting that you mention that.

And I wasn't angry at him talking to his brother-I was trying to explain the events of the day that lead to the problem. I said It would've been nice if he had called him back in the 9 or 10 hours he had to himself (I did encourage him to call him back soon because his brother called at 7:30am and I was concerned it was an emergency. My husband's grandmother is 92) so we could've sat down and talked about our days together and I did express that saying I just wanted to spend time with him after having a crappy day.


----------



## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I am scratching my head a little over why he didn't go to the hospital with you since he didn't seem to have anything more important to do. But, I agree with most of what's been said. You have to be clear with him about what you want. Saying "I don't feel like you care" doesn't help. It would have been better if, when he went off to play the video game, you had said "Hey honey, would you mind hanging out with me for a little bit?" rather than thinking you wanted him to do something and resenting him because he didn't do it.


Thanks for the reply-I did say I wanted to spend more time together when he came in and asked if I was okay in the kitchen. Which is why it hurt my feelings when he went to play a video game. But I don't resent him. I keep saying he is a wonderful guy and this doesn't happen alot. He just grew up in a rough family and never learned to express his emotions fully. Our counselor thinks he might have a very very mild form of autism but because he grew up the way did, it could also just be from the neglect or lack of nurturing. (Side note: We go to counseling not because of marital issues but for some past history of his)

He didn't go to the hospital with me because he was angry with me for telling him (my exact words or close to them ) "I wish you would've called James (his brother) back while I was at work so we could have spent time together when I got home" and he said "It isn't fair of you to not want me to talk to my brother" and I tried to rephrase what I said and tell him I wasn't saying I didn't want him not to talk to him, I just would have liked to have been a priority in the moment since my day went so badly and I was in a lot of pain. I apologized if I made it sound like I didn't want him talking to his brother, that wasn't my intention, I just wanted to be with him. But when he gets upset he tends to shut down and give me the silent treatment. That's why he didn't kiss me, hug me or say goodbye to me when I went and kissed and said goodbye to him-or come with me to the hospital. He was upset with me.


----------



## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

norajane said:


> Did you ASK him to come with you? I respond differently when someone says "I would like you to do x" than when they say "Will you please do x?".
> 
> When you ask, "Will you please come with me to the hospital? I really need your support," he either will come with you, or at least has to tell you that "no, I can't or won't come with you because x."
> 
> Will you please help me with the dishes? Will you please take out the garbage? And if he says, "yes, once I'm off the phone," then you accept that and can't get upset unless he doesn't do the dishes or garbage after he gets off the phone.


I honestly can't recall my exact words but I do remember telling him it would mean a lot to me if he came-and it was after he got upset with me and was being defensive so I don't think I did say "Can you please come with me". I will do that more. I do worry about making people feel obligated to come but perhaps I should have just asked straight out!


----------



## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

I think he was mad about you confronting him the previous night and stewed overnight through the next morning. Instead of talking to you about his feelings he chose to give you the near silent treatment. I also think it was callous that he was searching wrestling while you were at the hospital. Did you tell him that you know he was chillin out watching wrestling while you were at the hospital?

I don't think he's a bad man just sounds a little immature.


----------

