# Men: Do you like when a woman initiates contact?



## Jellybeans

I brought this up in another thread but no one answered.


Do you men like it when a woman initiatees the first contact? Like, Hello or We should hang or just anything really? 

Women have been taught for eons that a man should initiate contact because it's not lady-like to be the first initiator.

Well, what do you think? 

Opinions?


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## Ceegee

That would depend on several things like setting, social company, etc. 

Generally speaking, I wouldn't mind one bit if a woman said hello or made a casual remark to me first. Just to get the ball rolling.

I would rather be the one to ask out on a date or to "just hang" though.


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## Jellybeans

Ok so if she says hello first, reaching out, then you would ask her out (if you are attracted)?

And why/what would it take for your to ask her out?



Ceegee said:


> I would rather be the one to ask out on a date or to "just hang" though.


Explain more.


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## meson

Yes, I like it. It demonstrates that she has confidence, knows what she wants and has the ability to act on it. I wish more women would do this. My daughter has done it and she hasn't had a refusal or knowingly negative reaction to my knowledge.


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## Married but Happy

I used dating sites. After unsuccessfully trying to initiate contact (it never worked out for whatever reason, despite apparently being ideal matches and fitting all their stated criteria), I made sure my profile was good and then let women initiate contact.

That worked very well. Of course, many such contacts went nowhere beyond a few emails. Every one I eventually met/dated had first shown some interest in me, including my wife.

So, yes, I liked it when women initiated, and I respect them for not being passive in the dating process.


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## meson

I do think it is an age dependant trait though. Even though it seems to be mostly acceptable to young people in this area, there are lots of people my age (50s) who are very traditional and don't approve of the way society is changing. 

So it depends upon what you want. Are you looking for dates for fun or filtering for a relationship? If you're filtering for a relationship you might want to be more conservative so you don't scare away a conservative guy. Otherwise if you're about fun and spreading good will to those you run into wether or not you will ever run into them again, then do it and may the Kharma be with you!


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## BeachGuy

Absolutely! In this day and age, it's perfectly acceptable. Knowing what clods us men can be around a woman we're interested in, it would help if you ladies would recognize we're not taking the hint and move in on us. LOL!

Just yesterday I had a bried encounter at a grocery store with a pretty lady and after I was in my car leaving, I realized I had missed an oppotunity and she was apparently wanting to chat or something. DOH! I hate it when that happens!


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## Jellybeans

meson said:


> I do think it is an age dependant trait though.


Yeah I could see that. Older people can be a bit more conservative/traditional.



meson said:


> Otherwise if you're about fun and spreading good will to those you run into wether or not you will ever run into them again, then do it and may the Kharma be with you!


Hehehe. What does THAT mean? (The Kharma). 



Married but Happy said:


> I used dating sites. After unsuccessfully trying to initiate contact (it never worked out for whatever reason, despite apparently being ideal matches and fitting all their stated criteria), I made sure my profile was good and then let women initiate contact.
> 
> That worked very well. Of course, many such contacts went nowhere beyond a few emails. Every one I eventually met/dated had first shown some interest in me, including my wife.
> 
> So, yes, I liked it when women initiated, and I respect them for not being passive in the dating process.





BeachGuy said:


> Just yesterday I had a bried encounter at a grocery store with a pretty lady and after I was in my car leaving, I realized I had missed an oppotunity and she was apparently wanting to chat or something. DOH! I hate it when that happens!


You will just have to make an effort to chat her up next time. 

Interesting comments from you men so far. I was very curious because seriously, women have been told forever that it's not proper to approach or talk to a guy first/initiate contact. You guys are proving that theory wrong.


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## meson

Jellybeans said:


> Hehehe. What does THAT mean? (The Kharma).


it means I can't type. It's supposed to be Karma, good karma. I've found that I like to spread around good will when I'm in public places. There was a time in my life when I was depressed and was generally angry. That caused angry feeling to head my way more often. When I spread good will, it makes others feel good and it often disarms them if they are grumpy/ angry. It seems like I get a lot of good karma these days and perhaps that's why.


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## Why Not Be Happy?

yes.


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## Battleworn

Not a man, but I can tell you from experience that if you're a girl like me who knows exactly what I want and I have the confidence to back it up, guys are super receptive to being chatted up. Not all of them, but if a guy is too intimidated by me, we probably wouldn't get on well enough anyway. So if you are feeling it, you should definitely try it out! Just use the same rules as when a man talks to a woman. If things to well and you ask him to hang out, he will probably be taken aback but most guys I have talked to liked that I did that, because I guess a lot of other women just want to be chased and turn it into a game. Not into games over here. I haven't dated in a long time so I'm not really familiar with what single women want haha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed

It would make me deeply suspicious.


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## Paradise

Being a somewhat conservative guy I would probably like to be the one to make the first move but it would be awesome if the lady broke the ice by initiating the contact. I can talk to anyone but I tend to shy away from approaching women because I know other idiots are probably out there hitting on them. I just feel stupid. 

But of course I would make an exception for you, Jelly!!!! LOL!!!!!


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## ThreeStrikes

Well, duh!


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## Ceegee

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so if she says hello first, reaching out, then you would ask her out (if you are attracted)?
> 
> And why/what would it take for your to ask her out?
> 
> 
> 
> Explain more.


If attracted and conversation developed easily. 

Example, I was at a grocery store with my three kids. At the fish counter (not kidding) a woman hit on me. Offered to have me over for dinner. She was younger, probably mid thirties (I'm early forties). I declined. She was awkward and not very aware of my situation. I had my kids right there. 

On the other hand, the woman I'm seeing now kissed me, just out of the blue, while out with some mutual friends. 

Choose your target wisely. Know your surroundings and be aware of the situation. 

This is not a yes or no question. It can work but it can backfire. Not unlike how it is for us guys.


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## Conrad

Jellybeans said:


> I brought this up in another thread but no one answered.
> 
> 
> Do you men like it when a woman initiatees the first contact? Like, Hello or We should hang or just anything really?
> 
> Women have been taught for eons that a man should initiate contact because it's not lady-like to be the first initiator.
> 
> Well, what do you think?
> 
> Opinions?


Let's get down to business.

You have your eye on someone?

Let us help you.


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## southbound

I wouldn't mind at all. I'm not into "the chase," so I would welcome a woman showing interest.


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## Holland

Woman here but FWIW I like to be the chased not the chaser.


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## Forever Changed

Two words for you Holland:

Harrassment Charges.


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## Holland

Forever Changed said:


> Two words for you Holland:
> 
> Harrassment Charges.


I don't get what you are trying to say.


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## Forever Changed

Well, basically it's like this.

In this modern age of 2013, 'Chasing' is now 'Stalking'.

I can't speak for all men, just myself, but I don't dare. No man needs to go to jail or receive a RO.


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## Holland

No clue what an RO is but stalking and chasing a two very different things in my world.

Are you seriously saying that where you live if a man asks a woman on a date that he risks gaol? I highly doubt it but wow if that is true how on earth do people get together?


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## Forever Changed

I think here is Australia it's called a Restraining Order or something. 

And yes I am deadly serious.


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## Burned

As a dad, I'm raising my three girls to be strong and to go after what they want with confidence. 

As a single dad, Confidence is attractive.


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## Burned

Forever Changed said:


> Well, basically it's like this.
> 
> In this modern age of 2013, 'Chasing' is now 'Stalking'.
> 
> I can't speak for all men, just myself, but I don't dare. No man needs to go to jail or receive a RO.


Taking the hint early that "he" or "she" isn't interested is the key, alcohol can change perception. If I don't see much interest I'm out.


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## Forever Changed

A single, one off text message can be stalking. Flowers, stalking. FB friend request, stalking.

Basically anything is stalking or harrassment these days of PC and Feminism.

*Shudder*

This fellow chooses not to go there. Ever.


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## Holland

There is no way someone would be arrested and sent to gaol for asking another on a date, ludicrous to suggest so. Stalking is completely different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed

"Taking the hint early that "he" or "she" isn't interested is the key".

Then RUN. Don't walk, run. If you have contact numbers, email addresses or FB friends, block and delete and never, ever, ever contact again.


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## Forever Changed

Holland said:


> There is no way someone would be arrested and sent to gaol for asking another on a date, ludicrous to suggest so. Stalking is completely different.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could argue that this *is* stalking. Or more precisely, *harrassment *(which is the most appropriate word).


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## Ceegee

Forever Changed said:


> Well, basically it's like this.
> 
> In this modern age of 2013, 'Chasing' is now 'Stalking'.
> 
> I can't speak for all men, just myself, but I don't dare. No man needs to go to jail or receive a RO.


Wherever you are, you need to move.


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## Forever Changed

Ceegee,

It's the same all over the world.


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## Ceegee

Forever Changed said:


> Ceegee,
> 
> It's the same all over the world.


Um, not where I am. Maybe it's your approach. 

We could help if you'd like.


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## Forever Changed

Like I said, I don't have an 'approach'. I choose to remain single forever. It's true freedom. 

I don't want anyone to initiate contact with me and I certainly won't be initiating contact with anyone else.


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## Holland

Forever Changed said:


> Like I said, I don't have an 'approach'. I choose to remain single forever. It's true freedom.
> 
> I don't want anyone to initiate contact with me and I certainly won't be initiating contact with anyone else.


That's probaby a good thing all round, you sound very bitter and jaded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed

Errr ... thanks, I think. 

It comes across as bitter and jaded, however it is self protection!

Anyhoo, I've said my piece.

Enjoy!


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## Holland

What about self protection in the form of simply doing the right thing ie if you ask a woman on a date and she says "no" then make a light hearted comment, wish her all the best and then move on? That is not stalking, that is being a reasonable adult.

But yep keep out of the dating pool for now. It should be a fun place to be, not a harasment case in the making.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed

Fun? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

It's a swamp of Red Flags, Yellow Flags, Fitness Tests, Alpha/Beta, The Game etc etc etc etc etc (You know, everything that we talk about here on TAM).

Don't sound like much fun to me!


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## Forever Changed

Holland said:


> If you ask a woman on a date and she says "no" then make a light hearted comment, wish her all the best and then move on?


I just couldn't resist Holland.

This then makes us men 'creeps'. Do you see?

Ok. Now I'm outta here ....


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## Holland

Ok we clearly have had very different dating experiences. Why would the above make men creeps? It just makes no sense. 
It seems you have had some pretty awful experiences out there but don't let it put you off.

There are some fantastic people out there, yeah some whackjobs too but IME the majority of people are good.

What age group are you in?


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## BeachGuy

Forever Changed said:


> I just couldn't resist Holland.
> 
> This then makes us men 'creeps'. Do you see?
> 
> Ok. Now I'm outta here ....


Did something like this happen to you? :scratchhead: Because what you're saying is pretty radical. I've hit on women all my (single) life and haven't been to jail yet.


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## Jellybeans

Ok, back on topic. Forever seems to be talking about stalking which is not the point of my thread at all. 



Forever Changed said:


> It would make me deeply suspicious.


Made me laugh.



Paradise said:


> But of course I would make an exception for you, Jelly!!!! LOL!!!!!


Good to know! :smthumbup:



Conrad said:


> Let's get down to business.
> 
> You have your eye on someone?
> 
> Let us help you.


Hehe. I was on another forum and this was being discussed. Some people said adamantly that woman should NEVER initiate any form of contact with a man because it throws the entire thing off, that a man should initiate if he has interest. The people who said this (men and women alike) were more 'traditional' in the sense that they felt a woman should never put herself in that position and it is a man's "role" to go after the lady. And some people said there was nothing wrong with initiating or saying Hi first, that they'd done it themselves, that it turned them off, that it showed assertiveness, was ok, etc. 

It was a very polarizing topic and I thought, where best to post but to my fellow TAM-mies. 



Burned said:


> Taking the hint early that "he" or "she" isn't interested is the key


Truth.


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## Jellybeans

Ceegee said:


> Example, I was at a grocery store with my three kids. At the fish counter (not kidding) a woman hit on me.


Hehe. Love at the fish counter.


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## Burned

Forever Changed said:


> "Taking the hint early that "he" or "she" isn't interested is the key".
> 
> Then RUN. Don't walk, run. If you have contact numbers, email addresses or FB friends, block and delete and never, ever, ever contact again.


If I had contact numbers, e-mail, and a facebook friends on the first encounter than she might be "stalking me"

Are you talking about first contact with a woman? It isn't that hard to tell is she has interest or not, if I question it then she doesn't and I walk away.


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## Conrad

Burned said:


> As a dad, I'm raising my three girls to be strong and to go after what they want with confidence.
> 
> As a single dad, Confidence is attractive.


And, the cool shades don't hurt either.


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## SurpriseMyself

I did this with a few guys years ago. With one, we flirted long distance at work for a few months. Finally, I found out when he was getting off work and was sitting on his truck waiting for him when he got off one evening. He said, "What are you doing here?" to which I responded "Waiting for you to get off work." We dated for 3 years.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

I've had a couple lovely ladies initiate contact. I was surprised both times. I didn't mind it. What I lacked at the time was a good sense of how much I should or should not initiate follow up contact.

In one case, the lady worked where I work (different department, different building), went to the same church, and we were attending the same Bible study group. So, she snagged me at a birthday party for one of the member's kids and wanted to "let's just do this." I thought she wanted more than just hanging out and she kept pushing me away.

The other lady was someone I knew from high school. We reconnected on FB. She wanted way more that I did. We live 2.5 hrs apart and it seemed a bit much for me. I was annoyed by her continued contact and have not turned on FB chat since! LOL.


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## TheGoodGuy

I don't mind it. Don't get me wrong I'm pretty conservative, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

I wonder if it's an age thing... I'm 45, been divorced for 10 years and in my age group I get the feeling that a woman who makes the first move is perceived as desperate. I think the younger generation is more open to the woman making the first move.


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## Jellybeans

ebp123 said:


> I did this with a few guys years ago. With one, we flirted long distance at work for a few months. Finally, I found out when he was getting off work and was sitting on his truck waiting for him when he got off one evening. He said, "What are you doing here?" to which I responded "Waiting for you to get off work." We dated for 3 years.


I love this! HAHA. :rofl:


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## CEL

Well I think we kinda have two separate conversations going. One is if a women should initiate. The other is this if this dooms the relationship.

So for the first one I would say life is short if you like someone give it shot. What's really the most likely worse that will happen? It does not work out well hell most times it does not work out. Does not mean to not try. I like women who are honest and confident. I admire a women who sees her self as more than someone to be caught or chased. I have been flattered when I was chased even if I did not want to be with them and never looked down on them for it. Why would I have issues in a person showing interest with me? Why would a person asking me out offend me? It is like weird as a man then when I ask a girl out should I worry? 

As for the fact that women who do it may be stalkers. Well that is like saying a guy who asks girls out is a stalker it is the same action why have two different judgments on it? I hate to say this but it goes back to a very sexist question why is one behavior good for one sex and bad for another?


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## angelpixie

TheGoodGuy said:


> I don't mind it. Don't get me wrong I'm pretty conservative, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm pretty sure it will be all over for you if you ever refer to her as a 'gift horse' while you're with her, however. :rofl:


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## TheGoodGuy

angelpixie said:


> I'm pretty sure it will be all over for you if you ever refer to her as a 'gift horse' while you're with her, however. :rofl:


ROFL! Point taken AP, touché.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

Women can be so coy sometimes it's hard to read the signals. So it can be refreshing sometimes to hear, "We should go out sometime."

However, there's a line between initiating the first, and being a crazy psycho stalker. A line that I don't think you will have a problem with.

Just know that some guys HATE it, and some guys are so pathetic that they NEED you to do it because they won't ever make the first move. You don't want the second group, unless you are looking for a full-on beta man.


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## CEL

Funny thing this happened yesterday to me. A women a friend of my sister say me for the first time a long time and she was part of a text chain of my sisters. So once she finds out she starts with the compliments and how good I look with exclamation points and all this stuff. Then hits me with a hey we should have lunch. Now I am was not offended as really if you want to date then come out and say it. i just left if with a noncommittal reply she will talk to my sister who should set her straight. 

But I was not offended or upset it was fine by me. Just a person showing what they want and going for it same as a man would.


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## Entropy3000

Jellybeans said:


> I brought this up in another thread but no one answered.
> 
> 
> Do you men like it when a woman initiatees the first contact? Like, Hello or We should hang or just anything really?
> 
> Women have been taught for eons that a man should initiate contact because it's not lady-like to be the first initiator.
> 
> Well, what do you think?
> 
> Opinions?


It just tells me the woman is interested. before I was married this was a common occurence for me as I was not overly agressive myself.


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## Jellybeans

Cel: so are you going out to lunch with her?


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## CEL

No I am not. I used to have this crush in her when I was in my early twenties so it was kind of funny she was came onto me. Still flattering tho and I did appreciate it. 😄

As for why not well that is complicated suffice it to say I have things going on in my life that make it so I don't want to go out with her. Nothing against her as under different circumstances I would at least do a simple lunch really what do I have to lose? My take on dating is as long as I am at least a little attracted why not? But I like people and enjoy talking and meeting others. That being said she decided to do this at a moment when I have no interest.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

CEL said:


> No I am not. I used to have this crush in her when I was in my early twenties so it was kind of funny she was came onto me. Still flattering tho and I did appreciate it. 😄


Maybe she just saw the opportunity to respond to the past. Nice getting flattered once in a while.


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## Horizon

Jellybeans said:


> I brought this up in another thread but no one answered.
> 
> 
> Do you men like it when a woman initiatees the first contact? Like, Hello or We should hang or just anything really?
> 
> Women have been taught for eons that a man should initiate contact because it's not lady-like to be the first initiator.
> 
> Well, what do you think?
> 
> Opinions?


yeah, anything - where???


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## Jellybeans

Lol, Horizon


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## thunderstruck

EnjoliWoman said:


> I wonder if it's an age thing... I'm 45, been divorced for 10 years and in my age group I get the feeling that a woman who makes the first move is perceived as desperate.


Maybe an age thing for some, but I'm around your age and I wouldn't see it that way. I get approached now and then, and IMHO, their confidence is attractive. Note that I'm married, so it doesn't go beyond that.

Of course, there are wrong and right ways to do it. Right would be to just walk up, make small talk and see where it goes. Wrong would be the drunk friend of a friend (many years ago) yelling at me in a parking lot - "We're a good fit. You need to go out with me!"


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## Jellybeans

thunderstruck said:


> Wrong would be the drunk friend of a friend (many years ago) yelling at me in a parking lot - "We're a good fit. You need to go out with me!"


Hahahaha! I bet she was thoroughly embarassed the next day after her hangover wore off. :rofl:


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## Horizon

thunderstruck said:


> Maybe an age thing for some, but I'm around your age and I wouldn't see it that way. I get approached now and then, and IMHO, their confidence is attractive. Note that I'm married, so it doesn't go beyond that.
> 
> Of course, there are wrong and right ways to do it. Right would be to just walk up, make small talk and see where it goes. Wrong would be the drunk friend of a friend (many years ago) yelling at me in a parking lot - "We're a good fit. You need to go out with me!"


Huh? I love this - man if a female called out that to me I'd be compelled to investigate, with extreme prejudice


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## thunderstruck

Horizon said:


> Huh? I love this - man if a female called out that to me I'd be compelled to investigate, with extreme prejudice


Heh. I had just gone 5 months without (away for Army training) and I was only 20 yo. I got the message...fun night.


Jellybeans said:


> Hahahaha! I bet she was thoroughly embarassed the next day after her hangover wore off. :rofl:


Um...yeah. Not a whole lot of conversation on the ride back to her house the next morn.


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## EnjoliWoman

thunderstruck said:


> Maybe an age thing for some, but I'm around your age and I wouldn't see it that way. I get approached now and then, and IMHO, their confidence is attractive. Note that I'm married, so it doesn't go beyond that.
> 
> Of course, there are wrong and right ways to do it. Right would be to just walk up, make small talk and see where it goes. Wrong would be the drunk friend of a friend (many years ago) yelling at me in a parking lot - "We're a good fit. You need to go out with me!"


So striking up a conversation in the check out line would be OK? Usually I just give a nice pleasant, welcoming smile and see what happens (nothing.) because I don't have the guts to say anything.

My BFF jokes that I need to "look up from my list" and also that I need to ask for help at Home Depot more often except I have gotten bad advice and seem to do better on my own! haha Now I ask and then double check their info but I hate playing the weak female game. She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw.


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## thunderstruck

I don't get why a man wouldn't like this. If he has a problem with a woman initiating contact, maybe he needs to think about what is bothering him...insecurity?

*"So striking up a conversation in the check out line would be OK? Usually I just give a nice pleasant, welcoming smile and see what happens (nothing.) because I don't have the guts to say anything."*
Yes. In the line, or anywhere in the store. Just walk up, smile and maybe ask a question to kickstart the conversation?

*"I hate playing the weak female game."*
Heh. Guys like to show how smart they are, so the weak female game would probably work. But, if you don't want to go that route, nothing weak about just asking a legit question.

*"She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw"*
I predict you will get very good results with that statement.:smthumbup:


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## thunderstruck

Enjoli, do like this...

I passed a woman in a bookstore a few months ago. Grabbed a book and found a chair. A few mins later she sat next to me, smiled and asked me if I knew of any good restaurants nearby. Then...we just started talking about restaurants and other things to do in town. 

If I was on the market, I would have asked her out. She was attractive, and her confidence boosted my attraction. Give it a shot...what do you have to lose?


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## angelpixie

EnjoliWoman said:


> So striking up a conversation in the check out line would be OK? Usually I just give a nice pleasant, welcoming smile and see what happens (nothing.) because I don't have the guts to say anything.
> 
> My BFF jokes that I need to "look up from my list" and also that I need to ask for help at Home Depot more often except I have gotten bad advice and seem to do better on my own! haha Now I ask and then double check their info but I hate playing the weak female game. She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw.


My usual line is to ask if someone can help me install my in-home stripper pole. Works like a charm.


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## EnjoliWoman

angelpixie said:


> My usual line is to ask if someone can help me install my in-home stripper pole. Works like a charm.


Er, I'm not sure that would work for me as well as you.


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## COguy

angelpixie said:


> My usual line is to ask if someone can help me install my in-home stripper pole. Works like a charm.


It's a little too subtle. Try being more direct.


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## arbitrator

Totally!

*In my opinion, when a woman isn't really fearful about making contact, it just puts her on equal footing with men!*


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> So striking up a conversation in the check out line would be OK? Usually I just give a nice pleasant, welcoming smile and see what happens (nothing.) because I don't have the guts to say anything.
> 
> My BFF jokes that I need to "look up from my list" and also that I need to ask for help at Home Depot more often except I have gotten bad advice and seem to do better on my own! haha Now I ask and then double check their info but I hate playing the weak female game. She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw.


Funny.

I am forever getting checked out at the supermarket. And doing some checking out, too. Ah, love and food. LOL (or rather, attraction and food).


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## doubletrouble

Some time back, my W said "I so could dance with you."
Did I mention "W"? Yeah.


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## angelpixie

EnjoliWoman said:


> She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw.


That was actually a joke between Ex and me, years and years ago. A local big box hardware store near us was advertising its extended summer hours, and we used to joke that they did that in case anyone needed a late night screw or hammer. Yes. Immature, I know.  :rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman

Need to work on me a bit. I'm not sure any overtures would be well received. I don't get checked out often. Too bad they can't see my titillating insides first.


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## COguy

EnjoliWoman said:


> Need to work on me a bit. I'm not sure any overtures would be well received. I don't get checked out often. Too bad they can't see my titillating insides first.


You could walk around with your vag spread open? At least they'd know you were interested....

I've said this before and I'll repeat it, you need to take your friend's advice. You definitely put off the "I don't need a man" vibe. Which I'm not arguing the merits of, but it's going to make it more unlikely that you get approached.


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## angelpixie

COguy said:


> You could walk around with your vag spread open? At least they'd know you were interested....














COguy said:


> I've said this before and I'll repeat it, you need to take your friend's advice. You definitely put off the "I don't need a man" vibe. Which I'm not arguing the merits of, but it's going to make it more unlikely that you get approached.


Ahhhh, yes, how to find that perfect balance between "I need a man" but yet not being 'needy.' I don't _need_ a man. I want to have a man in my life, but I don't _need_ to. I want a man who is secure enough in himself to get that, and not make me pretend to be kinda co-dependent to make him feel better. And if that means I don't get approached as much, well, I'll wait.


----------



## CEL

EnjoliWoman said:


> So striking up a conversation in the check out line would be OK? Usually I just give a nice pleasant, welcoming smile and see what happens (nothing.) because I don't have the guts to say anything.
> 
> My BFF jokes that I need to "look up from my list" and also that I need to ask for help at Home Depot more often except I have gotten bad advice and seem to do better on my own! haha Now I ask and then double check their info but I hate playing the weak female game. She suggested I go to hardware and say I need a screw.



Going to treat you like you where my friend. Before you get a man you need to get a life. Harsh huh? Yeah but you just posted you are looking for guys in hardware stores and the supermarket now I was there when I was a recluse and stayed inside all the time and yeah I got offers but was too shy to take them up on anything. Here is the deal you need to really look at getting out. I don't mean bars. I mean LIFE with all capitals. Hobbies, volunteering, making friends, going to meetups, playing chess, if you need ideas let me know I got a ton of them.

The problem is until you get a good life for YOU. If you do meet a guy you will be prone to make THEM your life. And that is bad news. Take it from me been there done that it is self destructive and destructive to others. YOU are worth WAY more than that. Once you get some good hobbies going and are enjoying life then you start looking for a man to SHARE it not BE it. Make yourself happy then decide to share that happiness with others. My IC "who is great" says to go through life and have fun people will naturally bump into to you if you are enjoying life and you can have fun with them if something happens awesome if not then okay. You know why it is okay? Because you are having fun doing things YOU want to do they are not the goal just scenery and maybe a good pet to keep around. LOL. But the point is you are focused on YOUR life and making YOU happy if someone comes along who you want to share some times with then GREAT but if not you are still happy.

Now as for the damsel in distress bit quite frankly that is a turn off. I don't want a women I need to rescue. I don't want one that I have to hover around all the time. I like a confident strong women. I want to help that women. I want to make life better for them but they don't NEED me too. Be yourself once you know what that is. Go places and to hobbies you feel confident in once that becomes YOUR territory you will hunt more comfortably. LOL. 

All my best if this came across harsh let me know and I will delete it. My best wishes for you and yours.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

CEL - I don't find it harsh although it doesn't describe me.  You'll find me out and about most weekends. My good friends are married and the people they know are married so meeting people that way is limited. Maybe my life is "too good" alone right now. I don't want someone to build my life AROUND. I want someone to build the rest of my life WITH. 

I do have primary custody of a 14y/o daughter and I have limited time to meet someone so if it takes a bit longer on an every-other-weekend schedule, so be it.  So the whole "get out and do and you'll eventually meet someone without trying" crap hasn't worked so far. And my schedule makes the opportunities VERY limited.

Yeah, I put off the "I don't need a man" vibe. I really don't know how to be anyone but me. :scratchhead: I don't want to play games and "pretend" to be dumb. I'm not sure how to shed that. I was so needy for so long that I did a knee-jerk reaction when I left and I can't find a middle ground. 

AngelPixie gets it. It can be a difficult balance to strike.


----------



## Holland

EnjoliWoman said:


> CEL - I don't find it harsh although it doesn't describe me.  You'll find me out and about most weekends. My good friends are married and the people they know are married so meeting people that way is limited. *Maybe my life is "too good" alone right now. I don't want someone to build my life AROUND. I want someone to build the rest of my life WITH.
> *
> I do have primary custody of a 14y/o daughter and I have limited time to meet someone so if it takes a bit longer on an every-other-weekend schedule, so be it.  So the whole "get out and do and you'll eventually meet someone without trying" crap hasn't worked so far. And my schedule makes the opportunities VERY limited.
> 
> Yeah, I put off the "I don't need a man" vibe. I really don't know how to be anyone but me. :scratchhead: I don't want to play games and "pretend" to be dumb. I'm not sure how to shed that. I was so needy for so long that I did a knee-jerk reaction when I left and I can't find a middle ground.
> 
> AngelPixie gets it. It can be a difficult balance to strike.


EW when I was online dating my profile read something like this "I have a busy and happy life and not looking to fill a void, I'm looking for a man that can add that special something to my already great life".

And for me that is it in a nutshell, I don't need to be in a relationship, I especially don't need to be in an average relationship, I am happy when single. He had to be a pretty amazing guy for me to want to share my already happy life with.


----------



## COguy

I'm not telling you to act needy or be codependent. I mean past date 3 I wouldn't worry about it at all. But it can be...I don't know if intimidating is the right word or not....

I think it's OK to put up a front or "play games" when you're in the initial connection mode. You just need to make sure that you're self-sufficiency isn't so forthright and making you unapproachable for that initial contact.

Once you've gotten to know someone and they know how much fun you are and what you bring to the table, I think it becomes a non-issue.

Take some advice from your friend. Don't be afraid to ask a guy for help or advice even if you don't need it. Let him "show you" how to shoot a gun or hit a baseball or bowl or play pool, even if you already know how. Hell you can even laugh at him later if you want, "I totally knew how to shoot, you were a horrible teacher." Play the damsel as an experiment, see how it works for you.


----------



## CEL

EnjoliWoman said:


> CEL - I don't find it harsh although it doesn't describe me.  You'll find me out and about most weekends. My good friends are married and the people they know are married so meeting people that way is limited. Maybe my life is "too good" alone right now. I don't want someone to build my life AROUND. I want someone to build the rest of my life WITH.
> 
> I do have primary custody of a 14y/o daughter and I have limited time to meet someone so if it takes a bit longer on an every-other-weekend schedule, so be it.  So the whole "get out and do and you'll eventually meet someone without trying" crap hasn't worked so far. And my schedule makes the opportunities VERY limited.
> 
> Yeah, I put off the "I don't need a man" vibe. I really don't know how to be anyone but me. :scratchhead: I don't want to play games and "pretend" to be dumb. I'm not sure how to shed that. I was so needy for so long that I did a knee-jerk reaction when I left and I can't find a middle ground.
> 
> AngelPixie gets it. It can be a difficult balance to strike.


I would not change a thing that demographic is tough but it is also self regulating. See many guys are going to say no way to those things. You are strong, confident, have a fun life, young child and have already been married. So many guys want to be number 1 and in your situation and for your health that is not going to happen. Other guys want a women who they can protect and do everything for. Some guys look for a damaged women because they like to save people. Well you are not those things and really guys who are looking for that well you don't really want.

Keep being yourself do the things you like and a good guy will come around who will knock you socks off. He will be accepting of your child. Will have his own life so does not need you to be his whole world. And will be into the things you are into. I think you are doing the right things maybe talk a little more to people tho that is always a good thing.


----------



## angelpixie

I refuse to be inauthentic. Period. 

And I don't want a guy to pretend to have it all together, be strong, self-possessed, and then find out he's actually just looking for someone to take care of him, or that he's really insecure as hell and needs to put someone down to feel better. 

What I hate about all of this is the game-playing. I've been told by friends that I come off as confident and classy (ha!), and that it probably puts some guys off. I am friendly, I smile a lot, and I do enjoy talking to people. However, I am also fairly introverted around people I don't know well. So it takes me a while to feel comfortable enough with someone to just walk up and talk to them. You can probably see where this becomes a problem in the area of flirting, lol.

But I'll also give you an example where I'm OK with this. I've met the guys that are regulars in my contra group. Not one of them has asked me out, though we have a great time dancing together, we're at the point where we can sit and chat together, they greet me like they're happy to see me, etc. My friend, on the other hand, has been asked out by or dated nearly every guy there who's our age. The difference? She's kind of flighty and damsel-in-distress-y. And guess what? Her experiences have been terrible!! Just because these guys are great dance partners doesn't mean they're great relationship partners. Her persona attracted the kinds of guys I do NOT want, who have issues I do NOT want to deal with anymore.

I will be myself, thank you. I've spent enough time and money on therapy, self-help books, introspection, etc., etc. to get here, and I'm damned well not going to pretend to be someone different, lol. :rofl:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

All good advice, really. I see a few things I should do more of even if it's awkward. True that I can joke later "I knew the difference between a wood screw and a sheet metal screw but you were so handsome I had to think of something to ask!"

Funny how much easier this is in sales. I should pretend everyone is a sales prospect and I'm the product. Step 1: Identify needs; Step 2: Features and Benefits :lol:"

And I'm not in a rush - I'm sure these four years of high school will be gone in a flash and I want to enjoy the time with my daughter, too.


----------



## thunderstruck

EnjoliWoman said:


> True that I can joke later "I knew the difference between a wood screw and a sheet metal screw but you were so handsome I had to think of something to ask!"


I think you're overthinking all of this, and no, you don't have to go with the helpless (wood/metal screw) woman routine. If you see a dude, just walk up and start a "normal" conversation, just like you'd do if you were meeting a woman. No need to be nervous, play games, or show off your "titillating insides," although that does sound pretty damn cool.  If the guy is interested, he'll make a move. If not, so what...move on.

I guess you fear rejection? Face your fear, and take some shots.


----------



## Pbartender

angelpixie said:


> I've been told by friends that I come off as confident and classy (ha!), and that it probably puts some guys off. I am friendly, I smile a lot, and I do enjoy talking to people.


In all honesty, and from what you've already mentioned, the only guys it's going to put off are the ones you already aren't going to be interested in, anyway.

The sort of men you are looking for will find confident and classy ridiculously attractive. Trust me on this.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Absolutely fear rejection. Or more specifically I fear condescension - that look that says WTF - who does she think she is approaching a guy like me??? Or the tight lipped polite reply that seems to say "uh NO WAY". 

Guys have years and years of practice (for most of them) - I don't do well striking up conversations with women, either. I have a couple very good friends and a few more casual female friends. All but one were developed at the workplace; BFF I met on-line much like this like me and SGW before we met in person. 

I grew up in the absolute boonies with no neighbors, no kids. Very small country school. I was an unpopular music and book nerd. While this made me resourceful and imaginative, it hindered my development of social skills that I battle to this day. Life teaches those skills, not books. Once I meet someone I can carry on a conversation about almost anything (or nothing!) but breaking the ice is VERY hard for me both personally and professionally.

It makes me feel a bit inadequate; unprepared. Walking into a room of people I don't know and figuring out how to strike up a conversation with anyone, male or female, is like walking in to an interview for a job that isn't in your field. Is there a "Making Friends for Dummies" handbook?


----------



## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> All good advice, really. I see a few things I should do more of even if it's awkward. True that I can joke later "I knew the difference between a wood screw and a sheet metal screw but you were so handsome I had to think of something to ask!"


All you really need to do is smile at someone and say, "Hey, how's it going?"

And when they reply with something like, "I'm good, how about you?" tell them you're doing all right and elaborate with a little bit about your plans for the day... For example, "I'm doing pretty good. I'm looking for some new bookshelves, though... I just moved into a new place this week. I've all these boxes full of books and no place to put them."

If they continue the conversation, go from there. If they don't, no worries.

No need for silly lines or goofy jokes. No games to play. No need to pretend you're interested in something you're not. No need to pretend that you're someone you aren't.


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## angelpixie

EnjoliWoman said:


> Absolutely fear rejection. Or more specifically I fear condescension - that look that says WTF - who does she think she is approaching a guy like me??? Or the tight lipped polite reply that seems to say "uh NO WAY".
> 
> Guys have years and years of practice (for most of them) - I don't do well striking up conversations with women, either. I have a couple very good friends and a few more casual female friends. All but one were developed at the workplace; BFF I met on-line much like this like me and SGW before we met in person.
> 
> I grew up in the absolute boonies with no neighbors, no kids. Very small country school. I was an unpopular music and book nerd. While this made me resourceful and imaginative, it hindered my development of social skills that I battle to this day. Life teaches those skills, not books. Once I meet someone I can carry on a conversation about almost anything (or nothing!) but breaking the ice is VERY hard for me both personally and professionally.
> 
> It makes me feel a bit inadequate; unprepared. Walking into a room of people I don't know and figuring out how to strike up a conversation with anyone, male or female, is like walking in to an interview for a job that isn't in your field. Is there a "Making Friends for Dummies" handbook?


Wow, except for the part about meeting your BFF online, I could have written this post word-for-word. Really. I fear that humiliation more than rejection. (I almost expect the rejection, so I'm used to that, lol)


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## thunderstruck

*Or more specifically I fear condescension - that look that says WTF - who does she think she is approaching a guy like me??? *
So…it sounds like you fear rejection from pr*cks? I’m not Brad Pitt, but I’m not a bad-looking guy. I would never dream of responding in a condescending way to any woman who approached a “guy like me.” If a stranger treats you that way, just tell yourself, “Thanks for showing your true colors early, jackazz.” Smile and walk away.

*Is there a "Making Friends for Dummies" handbook*? 
Sure. Here you go…just put yourself out there. It gets easier with practice. It wasn’t easy for me, either, but I just kept at it. Now, I have no problem walking up to anyone and starting a conversation.


----------



## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> Absolutely fear rejection. Or more specifically I fear condescension - that look that says WTF - who does she think she is approaching a guy like me??? Or the tight lipped polite reply that seems to say "uh NO WAY".
> 
> Guys have years and years of practice (for most of them) - I don't do well striking up conversations with women, either. I have a couple very good friends and a few more casual female friends. All but one were developed at the workplace; BFF I met on-line much like this like me and SGW before we met in person.
> 
> I grew up in the absolute boonies with no neighbors, no kids. Very small country school. I was an unpopular music and book nerd. While this made me resourceful and imaginative, it hindered my development of social skills that I battle to this day. Life teaches those skills, not books. Once I meet someone I can carry on a conversation about almost anything (or nothing!) but breaking the ice is VERY hard for me both personally and professionally.
> 
> It makes me feel a bit inadequate; unprepared. Walking into a room of people I don't know and figuring out how to strike up a conversation with anyone, male or female, is like walking in to an interview for a job that isn't in your field. Is there a "Making Friends for Dummies" handbook?


The trick is to start the conversation with your only intention and expectation being to say "Hi" to someone you don't know. You have to understand that 9 out of 10 conversations with complete strangers will never go farther "Hi, how are you?" "I'm good, thanks." and that's okay.

But if you practice just smiling and saying "Hi" to lots and lots of random people, it very quickly becomes a comfortable and natural thing to do.

And if you it it often enough, some of those people will show interest and keep the conversation going long enough for you to get a new friend. And some of those new friends will be guys. And some of those guys will show enough interest to become more than a friend.


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## COguy

I joke that my comfort zone is being out of my comfort zone. I tend to excel in situations where I am completely out of my element.

But that was a tolerance I've built up from repeatedly putting myself in awkward situations. It's like a drug really.

You see something that looks interesting. You say you are going to do it. You psyche yourself out before you leave the house. You force yourself to go anyway. You walk into the room or crowd and feel completely foolish. Out of obligation, you continue with the activity. An hour later you are doing something new, learning new things, meeting new people, creating experiences with strangers. By the end you wondered why you had never done it before, and you are on a high for the rest of the day.

Do it enough times and you realize that new people, new experiences, small talk, being uncomfortable, they're all opportunities to get high.


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## doubletrouble

Pbartender said:


> In all honesty, and from what you've already mentioned, the only guys it's going to put off are the ones you already aren't going to be interested in, anyway.
> 
> The sort of men you are looking for will find confident and classy ridiculously attractive. Trust me on this.


:iagree: This.

I'm a guy, and I had a similar high school experience like you. Now, that was, well, many years ago. I absolutely LOVE women who are smart, classy, educated, can match wits with me (not that I'm a rocket scientist but I'm not stewpid...), and look well put-together. By that I don't mean fancy clothes and lots of jewelry, either. I kinda like the "clean hippie" look, but then, I grew up in the 70s. 

Regardless of that, it's fear of rejection or humiliation from someone you don't know? You are investing too much on the front end. You don't really care what this person thinks, do you? Until you have some sort of connection or investment in someone, what they think doesn't matter. Or maybe I should ask, why does that matter to you? If they are put off by you, to hell with them. You are who you are, and you DESERVE someone who matches you, stride for stride. 

Dating a dumb woman, well, to be crude they're only good for a few things. I don't get off on stupid, or clueless, or someone I think I can play mind games with so I can get in her pants. For a real relationship, I look for someone who can tickle my BRAIN (like my W does), not my crotch. That comes later. And it sounds to me like that's what you're looking for. 

So your fear of rejection or humilation is truly unfounded, my friend. You need to believe in yourself, love yourself, and you already know you are ENOUGH all on your own. If a good man is lucky enough to meet you, get to know you, and perhaps someday love you, that all takes time. It really IS a numbers game; you have to meet a few frogs before you can find out of there's a prince hiding in one of them. It could be the guy you're looking for has the same hangups as you in meeting women. But you have to invest less up front, not fear whether or not it will "go somewhere" and if they'r enot good enough for you, too bad for them. That's called "attitude" and it's a good thing. Not to get ****y and arrogant (plenty of ppl out there with that hangup), but just be sure of who YOU are. You could care less about who this good looking guy really is, because the book doesn't always tell what's advertised on the cover. 

I think it boils down to self esteem. Say, "I am worth knowing, worth loving, and I deserve the best, because I am the best EW I can be, and that's damn good." And believe it, because, well, isn't that the truth?


----------



## doubletrouble

Oh and PS, I love it when a woman initiates contact. Well, back when I was in the field... Nowadays I avoid eye contact, looking, smiling, all that. I try to protect my W's heart. No others need apply.


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## EnjoliWoman

I've made myself get out of my comfort zone and I was proud of myself for a week after, LOL Why do I have a feeling I'll be doing that more often? *sigh* 

I care what other people think WAY too much and I know I do. I am a people pleaser and want everyone to like me. I have reconciled that many won't and that doesn't mean I'm not likeable but it's a deeply programed personal characteristic.

So I will try to remember all of the advice and nice things said here, thank you all. I'm not the best I can be but I'm kind of over that. I tired of striving for perfection and I'm pretty darn happy with imperfection now.


----------



## doubletrouble

I've been a people pleaser too, so I know what you mean. But in the long run (after 55 years), I find that it generally turns me into a doormat. And ... Don't Tread on Me. I have way more self respect than that nowadays.


----------



## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> What I hate about all of this is the game-playing.


Agreed. Game-playing is so annoying.



thunderstruck said:


> I guess you fear rejection? Face your fear, and take some shots.


Good advice.



doubletrouble said:


> For a real relationship,* I look for someone who can tickle my BRAIN (like my W does), not my crotch.*


:rofl:

Ok so gathering from the majority of the replies to this thread, it seems that most men DO like when a woman initiates contact.


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## I Know

Jellybeans said:


> Ok so gathering from the majority of the replies to this thread, it seems that most men DO like when a woman initiates contact.


Oh for sure men like being approached. Women are always afraid of looking ****ty or being rejected. Being rejected is always a possibility. But you are much more likely to get what you want when you explicitly ask for it. 

As for looking ****ty. As a single man, I was approached by 2 different girls who I later found out were virgins. I did not think bad of them that they approached me. And that they were virgins proves that there is nothing ****ty about them. They had nothing to be ashamed about. There is no law that says you have to boff a guy that you say hi to. 

PS. I married the 2nd one of the virgins that approached me. 25 years of marriage this year. What if she had never said anything to me? I doubt we would have even met each other. 

The other girl and I never got off the ground for whatever reason. And everything happens for a reason.


----------



## harrybrown

Yes, make the initial contact, if you like. Eventually, make sure he is not attached, before too long, but make many new friends. Enjoy your life.


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## bbird1

Jellybeans said:


> I brought this up in another thread but no one answered.
> 
> 
> Do you men like it when a woman initiatees the first contact? Like, Hello or We should hang or just anything really?
> 
> Women have been taught for eons that a man should initiate contact because it's not lady-like to be the first initiator.
> 
> Well, what do you think?
> 
> Opinions?


I am of the mind that it's fine and flattering. Now-a-days I shut it down quick enough but politely. When a woman asks I just smile, thank them for the compliment and their time and politely inform them of my happily married status. 

I do love an assertive woman who isn't afraid to make her feelings known. Hell I married just such a woman.


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## Hardtohandle

Having men make the first move went out with having sex on the first or second date makes a woman a ****.. 

Those thoughts are old and archaic...

We are adults if you like someone just say it.. do you just wait the rest of your life hoping that guy you liked 10 years ago will come around to ask you out ? 

I can tell you I have had several woman initiate first contact on dating sites and it went no where after I sent them my number.. I think some woman want to spend the first 3 months having a cyber relationship..

Nutshell 20 strangers have my number now.. I've learned my lessons.


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## morituri

A pencil skirt wearing woman paying attention to yours truly, would certainly bring a stupid grin to my face.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

I haven't had the time to read this thread over but I'll throw in my .02. 

I don't do dating sites at all. Occasionally I'll meet someone who interests me and get their phone number, throw a few texts their way and bring up maybe going to get dinner or a drink. If there's no positive response I will drop it. 

I don't tend to push things if there's no reciprocal interest shown. 

Personally I'd rather be pursued but that doesn't happen too often. I think I scare a lot of men. Who can blame them?


----------



## Annie 54

Just shows you never know ..... Yes I agree all about the timing... Nothing wrong with a little flirting... recently stuck in traffic windows down .... stuck for some time guy opposite me kept looking in at me..... checked he had no wedding band.. then used that old chestnut do you get stuck here often .... he smiled and said no but would make an exception if I thought you were going to be around..... see ..it happens .... Am quite happy with my partner and in fact told him ... that evening he flirts all the time with the Ladies even when I am with him .... my point is the world now is so insular ... get out there "talk" flirt with the guys and ladies and who knows what will happen I only asked my new partner ( excuses me do you have a minute could you please back your car slightly so I can get to the tyre pressure gauge at the local garage and he offered to not only move his car but to take me for a coffee) see so ladies and Gentlemen no matter what age or temperament go forth and make it happen ......


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## unbelievable

Guess it would depend on which woman initiates contact. If she's hot, bring it on. If she looks like Jabba the Hut's sister, I'll pass.


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> A pencil skirt wearing woman paying attention to yours truly, would certainly bring a stupid grin to my face.


Mori!!! :smthumbup::yay::yay: You have been missed!


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## angelpixie

Jellybeans said:


> Mori!!! :smthumbup::yay::yay: You have been missed!



I thought the same thing when I saw his post. Welcome back, mori!


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Mori!!! :smthumbup::yay::yay: You have been missed!





angelpixie said:


> I thought the same thing when I saw his post. Welcome back, mori!


A humble thank you to both of you ladies. I would be very proud if both of your were my daughters. But then again being a father of two girls and a grandfather of a little lady, I am proudly bias of my girls - As though both of you would not have already guessed


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## Hoosier

Mori, got you by one, I have THREE daughters and a granddaughter....lol


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> A humble thank you to both of you ladies. I would be very proud if both of your were my daughters. But then again being a father of two girls and a grandfather of a little lady, I am proudly bias of my girls - As though both of you would not have already guessed


I am your honorary daughter. Lol. :smthumbup:


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## arbitrator

unbelievable said:


> Guess it would depend on which woman initiates contact. If she's hot, bring it on. *If she looks like Jabba the Hut's sister, I'll pass.*


*Greatly provided that I haven't either ingested a bag of cocaine or am totally "out-of-my-mind horny!"

But somehow, methinks that I would still be able to muster up the ardent willpower to avoid Jabba's sister in the horizontal position; and for that matter, the vertical one, too!*


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## Jellybeans

Lmao, Arbitrator! :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## aston

I think it's really nice and bold when a woman initiates contact. Personally I like it! Why does the pressure always have to be on the man?


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## arbitrator

*While I might, at least, be somewhat initially impressed with her initial forwardness, I still wouldn't want a total stranger to do this to me. Just as I don't actively "hit" on women that I don't really know!

In any event, I would still greatly prefer this to be someone that I actually knew!*


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## RandomDude

It depends how hot she is to me hehe 

But generally, no...


----------



## Fenix

Hardtohandle said:


> Having men make the first move went out with having sex on the first or second date makes a woman a ****..
> 
> Those thoughts are old and archaic...
> 
> We are adults if you like someone just say it.. do you just wait the rest of your life hoping that guy you liked 10 years ago will come around to ask you out ?
> 
> I can tell you I have had several woman initiate first contact on dating sites and it went no where after I sent them my number.. I think some woman want to spend the first 3 months having a cyber relationship..
> 
> Nutshell 20 strangers have my number now.. I've learned my lessons.


Some of us hate phone calls. I would just prefer to go from email straight to a drink. I also don't want to give my number out to someone who I may not want to see again.

BTW, loving this thread. I am a bit surprised about some of the answers. 

In my only very recent experience, a positive attitude and a smile go a long way. As far as rejection, well...they don't know me so I can't take it too personally. We all have people we find attractive. Just because someone doesn't think I am hot, doesn't mean they are right (and they aren't!  ) The stakes would be much higher if this person actually knew me.

I like the sales rep attitude, enjoli. You are not going to make every sale, and that is OK. But what will happen, is each attempt will build your confidence level. So, have you been out there trying? 

We need updates in this thread!


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## EnjoliWoman

I still don't know if I should or shouldn't. Since it depends on the man there's no way to know. I have initiated before. It ended up in a nice little fling with a 50-something latino man.  When I found out his age I was in a bit of a shock and therefore didn't go out again. That was probably stupid of me. We had fun.


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## Jellybeans

Was he too old for you Enjoli? Hahaha.


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## EnjoliWoman

I thought so at the time I was maybe 40? Assumed he was late 40s or so... He was mid 50s - when he was in the shower I looked at his driver's license.  Thought "holy crap!" and just couldn't get it out of my mind and get past it. *shrug*


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## Jellybeans

How old are you, Enjoli? Do you have a cut-off age for dating?


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## EnjoliWoman

I'll be 46 in a couple months, and it seems like 50+y/o guys are either old acting or they are super athletic/young and want a marathon running girlfriend. Or the other issue I find a lot of is they want to meet on weeknights because their kids are grown and don't want someone with a teen in the house that limits my dating to every-other-weekend until I'm comfortable introducing (which means LTR). I think I'm just at an awkward age. Plus didn't have kiddo til I was nearly 31.


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## Jellybeans

Ah, I see. Yeah it's so hard finding someone to date period. Then you throw in all these other variables and it makes it harder it seems.

Or maybe you could find someone w/o kids?


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## harrybrown

Or she could find one with a kiddo about her child's age. 

Maybe that would give them something in common.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm sure they are out there - actually ALL of the serious relationships were with men who never had kids. Interesting - I never thought about it.

I always wanted more kids, just not by birth - I like a crazy, lively household. I always said I was meant for a large Italian or Latino family!  My house seems to be the gathering place for teens and I like it. Keeps me current.


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## Fenix

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'll be 46 in a couple months, and it seems like 50+y/o guys are either old acting or they are super athletic/young and want a marathon running girlfriend. Or the other issue I find a lot of is they want to meet on weeknights because their kids are grown and don't want someone with a teen in the house that limits my dating to every-other-weekend until I'm comfortable introducing (which means LTR). I think I'm just at an awkward age. Plus didn't have kiddo til I was nearly 31.


It's a tricky age for guys. Some of the 50 year olds are soooo old.  I like meeting for a weeknight date though. It is easier than coordinating with my chauffeur duties.


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## Fenix

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm sure they are out there - actually ALL of the serious relationships were with men who never had kids. Interesting - I never thought about it.
> 
> I always wanted more kids, just not by birth - I like a crazy, lively household. I always said I was meant for a large Italian or Latino family!  My house seems to be the gathering place for teens and I like it. Keeps me current.


Well, now you have your chance! :smthumbup:

I like men with teenagers...makes it easier. Having a kid that is too young is a dealbreaker*.






*If I was thinking LT, which I am not now.


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## EnjoliWoman

Fenix said:


> It's a tricky age for guys. Some of the 50 year olds are soooo old.  I like meeting for a weeknight date though. It is easier than coordinating with my chauffeur duties.


They young 50-somethings are triatheletes and the old 50-somethings just want golf and an easy chair. I realize there are some in-betweens, I'm just not finding them - they are a bit more rare. 

I'd actually be fine with young kids if the guy just had kids late (ex was 42 when kiddo was born). I wanted more but had a bad marriage and didn't want another child knowing I'd be a single Mom soon. Then again having this level of freedom with an independent kid is nice, too.


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## Hardtohandle

Yes.. 

We are all big boys and girls for the most part.. Why does it have to be this silly game..


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## Fenix

Hardtohandle said:


> Yes..
> 
> We are all big boys and girls for the most part.. Why does it have to be this silly game..


I refuse to play the game. If I sense someone is playing with me, it is sayonara. I am pretty much a 'what you see is what you get' kind of gal.

Enjoli, a 50 (early) something triathlete is great, if he doesn't expect me to be right there with him. I like sports, hiking, running etc. and am fit, but don't have the interest to train in that way.


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## EnjoliWoman

I would say I'm active but not overly fit. I do the gym thing but hate it. I'm happy with a long walk (miles - I can go indefinitely... 8 is my record and I had blisters but wasn't tired or sore) but not into running. Love swimming, but for fun, not laps. Bikes are for fun short-distance transportation, not miles upon miles. More like for getting around a large camp ground LOL

But I don't want to come home to someone who sits on the couch and watches TV while I fix dinner. Help me prepare, talk with me, eat together then take a walk and maybe catch an hour of TV but not all evening.


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