# Tell Me Something



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

What is it that happens to the other person in Marriage. When everything you want to do has become Nasty.What use to be fun stuff is now {No ,I don't like that}Even a nice deep french kiss and they pull away .You try and go down on them and they say no thats nasty.You text them something sexy and they don't even answer?You try to interduce some fore play in the day and they say, stop that? We used to have so much fun with it all.It was so intertaining. But now its Nasty.You try and take your time with sex, And they say hurry up?Its kinda like waiting in line for hours in a amusement park only for a few minute ride. Just Wondering


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm not trying to attack you when I say this but if somebody who once found you attractive now finds the idea of physical intimacy with you nasty the bottom line is they no longer feel attracted to you.

It could be their issue...it could be a relationship issue...or it could be an issue with you. That's why communication is so important. In order to solve it you need to get to the root of the issue.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> if somebody who once found you attractive now finds the idea of physical intimacy with you nasty the bottom line is they no longer feel attracted to you.


The question is why?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Folks puts cheese on a trap when they are trying to catch a mouse. As he's dying, the mouse probably wonders why nobody's refilling his cheese tray. Girlfriend was a freak but the same person wearing your ring isn't. Did you hear a loud SNAP as the trap was triggered?


----------



## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Folks puts cheese on a trap when they are trying to catch a mouse. As he's dying, the mouse probably wonders why nobody's refilling his cheese tray. Girlfriend was a freak but the same person wearing your ring isn't. Did you hear a loud SNAP as the trap was triggered?


That's brutal but seems to be true more than not.

How do you find the woman that's a freak and wants to stay that way?


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Just Wondering said:


> What is it that happens to the other person in Marriage. When everything you want to do has become Nasty.What use to be fun stuff is now {No ,I don't like that}Even a nice deep french kiss and they pull away .You try and go down on them and they say no thats nasty.You text them something sexy and they don't even answer?You try to interduce some fore play in the day and they say, stop that? We used to have so much fun with it all.It was so intertaining. But now its Nasty.You try and take your time with sex, And they say hurry up?Its kinda like waiting in line for hours in a amusement park only for a few minute ride. Just Wondering


Sounds like you need to do some digging/watching/asking/listening and see what has changed. There is a reason people don't just go cold unless they actually died. Marriage does not make the "want you all the time" feeling go away. No it is what is going on in life and the other person that kills it. The reason is there you just have to find it.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Folks puts cheese on a trap when they are trying to catch a mouse. As he's dying, the mouse probably wonders why nobody's refilling his cheese tray. Girlfriend was a freak but the same person wearing your ring isn't. Did you hear a loud SNAP as the trap was triggered?


Nice analogy. Kinda the "bait and switch" thing. She's "got you", and she feels no need to keep putting cheese in a trap that's already got a mouse in in.

I think part of the problem is not just that...but when guys SHOW them that (not just by putting a ring on the finger). It's when a guy gets too comfortable, and starts acting relaxed. Taking HER for granted. Stops doing things for her he used to do when dating. Starts taking too much crap from her when he never would when dating. She never knew if you were there to stay or not. And she was attracted to the "you" that she had to work for to keep around. Not saying she was pulling a "bait and switch", but rather she was more attracted to you then. You weren't a "given". So, she put her best foot forward. She pulled, you pushed. She pushed, you pulled. A little give and take, back and forth. She was attracted to that. And because of that attraction, she wanted to do "nasty" things with you. She WANTED you in a primal way. Now.....she doesn't feel your "pull" at all. Sometimes she may even feel like she's pushing you all the time.

Do you think she doesn't want to do those things? She would, again, if she was highly attracted to someone I'd bet. A new relationship or an affair? My bet is she'd be right back into those "nasty" things as she calls them. So....be her "next guy" or her "affair". Find ways to stimulate her brain and excite her about being with you. And, in order to do that, she needs to feel, on some level, that if she wants to keep you around, she'll need to "woman up". Needs to feel you're exciting to her. Needs to feel like you want the best version of her, and not the everyday, taking you for granted, b!tching about every little thing you do version of her. Would you have put up with that when you were dating? No! So don't do it now (or other things you wouldn't do when you were dating) and get some attraction and desire back!

Get her to a place where she's "pulling" you back to her again. 

I went through a very bad marriage with my exW where all of this happened and more. A lot of it my fault because I became a doormat over time. Got comfortable, just wanted to "keep the peace" and lost my backbone (or balls, whichever you prefer). At any rate, that stuck with me. And, when I met my W, I planted the "seed" in her head way back then that "I'd never live like that again" (fighting, being taken for granted, sexless marriage, etc.). And I've reiterated it a few times in normal conversation about our lives, and how they were before we met (subtle or subliminal hint or reminder if you will). And I've not changed my behavior towards her not one little bit from when we were dating. I'm the same guy who won't "take crap", but I'm also the same guy that treats her like a queen. Just like when we were dating. All ..... the ..... time. As a result of this (I believe), her desire seems every bit as strong, if not stronger for me now as it was then. And our life is wonderful almost all the time (but for possibly some outside influences).

My god, if I'd have known 20 years ago what I know now.


----------



## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> That's brutal but seems to be true more than not.
> 
> How do you find the woman that's a freak and wants to stay that way?



Call me a weirdo.....I am a FREAK and have stayed that way and will stay that way.....no reason not too LOL.....I feel bad that a wife would now say it is nasty or whatever....but if that is the case there is no more want there on her part I am assuming.....


----------



## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife was always much more vanilla than me and it only became worse dring marriage. But that is not a deal breaker for me or else I would still be single. So I can't expect her to turn into a Dom now, right? 

But I do hope and at times expect her to at least be more open and try new things, especially considering the fact tat we have been together for nearly 20 years. A comfort zone should exist and strengthen after that much time together. 

If we continue on this very recent spark that has opened a few new doors ever so slightly, I may just get my wish.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm not convinced the so called "bait and switch" is a conscious act. I think what happens is while people are dating they are both making the effort to attract one another. They are on best behaviour and only see each other when they're in the mood. 

Once you're married that effort to be on best behaviour and attract each other falls off. Seduction goes out the window and gets replaced by expectation. You also see each other when you're not at your best which lessens attraction.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Cyclist said:


> That's brutal but seems to be true more than not.
> 
> How do you find the woman that's a freak and wants to stay that way?


I'm a freak, still am after almost 29 years of marriage - but it's my husband that has changed...and I don't know why either...he's pretty closed-mouth on it.


----------



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I saw this happen with my W when were separated. We went through a really rough prior to it but we became good friends during the separation that we could talk about our sex lives. Now granted I wasnt doing anything out of the ordinary when I was dating during our separation. It was all casual for me. She was telling me things like she had a 3some with a married couple, I remember going through her phone when we got back together and there was an old video she made with someone, not to mention I saw some old messages she hadnt deleted yet and there was a long stretch of text messages with her send pics of herself nude and a video she made of herself nude she sent to someone. It's sad but face facts, it's probably you. If you two broke up tomorrow she would be completely nasty with some new guy.

The thing is I am trying to figure out is it between the lust of a new relationship that brings the freak back out of them, maybe a new attraction that does it, or something else? For me it still hurts because right now with us working things out, Im going exactly through what you are. We talked yesterday on skype because I am still out of state but I should be back home permanently within the next week or so. She was talking to me while she was taking a bath and I asked could I see her after she grabbed her towel. She showed me up but she was grumpy about doing it. I sent her some naughty pics of myself not long ago and she made a funny comment about my facial hair. Im like wtf? It amazed me how she can act that way towards the new guys she dated but she is reserved and doesnt want to consider sending, talking, associating anything naughty with me yet. I really reconsidering going through with the D now because thats unacceptable.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I'm not convinced the so called "bait and switch" is a conscious act. I think what happens is while people are dating they are both making the effort to attract one another. They are on best behaviour and only see each other when they're in the mood.
> 
> Once you're married that effort to be on best behaviour and attract each other falls off. Seduction goes out the window and gets replaced by expectation. You also see each other when you're not at your best which lessens attraction.


The slow and steady decline in quantity and/or quality of sex over several years is, as you describe it, most likely an unconscious process. However, there are many examples on these boards of the wedding being the seminal event that precipitates a shard decline in the sexual relationship. The latter is obviously a conscious choice.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

before i married my ex i was into everything.I loved deep kisses,lots of touching,oral,all of it.After we got married I started to change.I still don't know why.I felt Hey I'm the wife now I deserve to be treasured and respected rather than being treated like a one night stand in the bedroom.So I stopped letting him go down on me.I stopped being into deep kisses. I would get annoyed when he'd slap my butt or grab me.
somehow I felt if I became a prude and stopped behaving like a freak in the bedroom he would respect me outside of the bedroom more.
I was afraid if,as a wife,I kept being a freak I would lose the respect of my husband.
Sort of thinking "well that sort of behavior is ok if you're just a girlfriend but once you're a wife you need to be proper"

I don't know where I got these ideas from or why i felt this way.I do know it contributed to the breaking apart of my marriage and I know it pushed my ex in the direction of an affair.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It would seem the security of marriage gives some people license to stop trying. It's almost like both sides have to be running scared to continue making the effort.


----------



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

ditto on the freak status- more now than ever! 
and, hubby, not sure right now, but not so into it. 
I despise how it can be like that- the idea of constantly running to keep up & wondering wth the other really wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

I have some questions to ask.How much of lack of desire for sex in marriage as to do with attraction??? My wife loves me very much and as for 3o yrs. But she suffers from LD or maybe their is no suffering on her part. She said it has nothing to do with the love she has for me.And that she can't help it. Nor can she fix it.I just don't get how she can be in love with me,But does not desire me?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your wife is able to tell you she can't help it, her mouth works. She chooses to use it to make excuses rather than to give you relief. Prosecution rests.


----------



## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

I read somewhere in the latest issue of Men's Health magazine (love it, have gotten some great sex tips out of there) that women, they did a study somewhere, become less sexual over time once they are in a long term relationship or marriage. I forgot what they said its due to but I guess it's common? It said men actually never have that problem. Im going to pick up that issue today so I can post what it said exactly. If youre with a woman who still the same freak you met 5-10 years ago consider yourself very lucky.

Edit: Found something similar to what I read in Men's Healths. Check this out
http://www.livescience.com/18233-women-lose-sexual-desire.html


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cyclist said:


> That's brutal but seems to be true more than not.
> 
> How do you find the woman that's a freak and wants to stay that way?


don't marry her and she stays a freak so as not to lose you! and when she puts the screws to you to get married kick her to the curb!



seriously you have to keep the edge that you might leave if she slacks off! there no such thing as unconditional love!


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Just Wondering said:


> I have some questions to ask.How much of lack of desire for sex in marriage as to do with attraction??? My wife loves me very much and as for 3o yrs. But she suffers from LD or maybe their is no suffering on her part. She said it has nothing to do with the love she has for me.And that she can't help it. Nor can she fix it.I just don't get how she can be in love with me,But does not desire me?


Some women, and men, suffer from hormonal levels that cause very low libido. Menopausal women can experience this. Medication can sometimes help.

As for your wife, there are two possibilities. The first is that she has low libido in general. It's not you, it's her. The second is that it's you. She has sexual desire for other men, but she's too polite to tell you that you just don't do it for her anymore.

If she has low libido in general, perhaps you can convince her to see a doctor to address it. If she refuses, maybe it's you.

Good luck.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Just Wondering said:


> I have some questions to ask.How much of lack of desire for sex in marriage as to do with attraction??? My wife loves me very much and as for 3o yrs. But she suffers from LD or maybe their is no suffering on her part. She said it has nothing to do with the love she has for me.And that she can't help it. Nor can she fix it.I just don't get how she can be in love with me,But does not desire me?


Obviously there are possible medical reasons be they physical or mental that may interrupt someone's sex drive. If that's the case and your partner does love you they will be working with medical professionals to resolve whatever the issue is. In that situation it's up to you whether you are prepared to wait until/if they recover.

In the absence of a medical issue it is one of desire. When someone says they're too tired for sex that is rarely true. If (insert person of their dreams) was asking them for sex they would find the energy. Or if you were in (insert scenario of their dreams) then they would find the energy for that too. 

In general when someone says they're not in the mood it's because they're not inspired to put the effort into sex with you at that point in time. You're probably not looking to replace yourself with someone else however you can make the scenario more interesting. More seduction during the day...a relaxing massage beforehand...a strong alpha approach...handcuffs...discussions of fantasies...a Brad Pitt mask...whatever it is that turns your particulalr partner on.


----------

