# Fiance texting and trying to have sex... please help



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi everyone... I'm a new user to this forum after browsing a little bit. I really really would appreciate help or advice. I'm so lost right now. I talked to a family friend (well, his friend) who was helpful but he doesn't really know what I should do other than that my fiance needs counseling. And I have no one else to turn to about this 

I'm in a long term relationship for four years, he's asked me to marry him and we're planning that. I have one little girl from previous marriage who's 6, and we have a 2 1/2 yr old together. We've had our ups and downs because my fiance has "talked to" a couple women before. Texts, emails, phone calls. AS FAR AS I KNOW nothing physical at all. I'd be willing to bet by evidence (I got very very investigative) & my gut too.

We did decide to work on us. But after the first break of trust 2 years ago, we never really recovered. We used to be soulmates and deeply, passionately in love. That is just damaged beyond repair even though we tried (trying?) to fix it. 

Three weeks ago he started a new job. It's really a blessing to us because we're struggling very much financially. Everything was going great. Then for the past week I noticed he was hearing nothing I said, not focused when we talked, and leaving alot to walk outside in the evening. I started feeling sad and anxious (we know each other well, so I was wondering what happening) and asked him if everything's ok. I told him I felt we weren't communicating/spending time. He got upset and told me it was in my head basically. I still felt something's off. Even though he was having more sex with me than usual every night and then kissing and professing much love to me every morning before work.

Tonight he came in and asked me set his alarm on his phone. So I did but I checked his calls/texts (because of my feeling...and history). All incoming texts deleted. But like the other times he never covered his tracks - he had outgoing texts to a woman. The caller ID he had labelled "R's Cell" because R is his coworker. But the texts were about six, all during work hours this morning about 9:30-10am. "Thinking about u girl"... "Thinking hard about u"... "I wish I knew where you eat your lunch. I would have joined u"..."When that moment finally arrives " ... "Girlfriend. Never been married. And you?" ... "My only child is two and a half. Believe me, i need a discreet friend, too!"

(And I forwarded all these to myself. That's how I'm quoting them now).

I confronted him about who it was. First he denied, then he tried to grab the phone from me. He got it, then went off on me about this and that (he was tipsy I think when he came in... so he wasn't making a lot of sense here). He put the phone down and walked off. So I picked it up, called the number. A woman answered, with little children in the background. It's about 10pm. I asked her who she was, then asked her if she knew ***. I identified who I was by my relation to him and our kids, and she said she didn't really know ***, just worked with him. I told her I read their texts and she mumbled it wouldn't happen again and hung up.

For the next hour *** and I were basically arguing. I was crying and felt so betrayed. He went from apologizing to listing all the things I do/did wrong in our relationship. Again, he was tipsy, but also had worked long hours (leaving home at 6:30 am) so really all of it was useless. I was demanding answers and he was practically incoherent. At the end he tried to get me to come to bed to have sex!!! Then got mad when I refused and went and passed out on the bed himself.

I just don't know what to do. I believe he loves me in his own way. I don't know when or how the relation with the coworker started. I'm scared that they work together still. I can't ask him to quit or anything... we really, really, really need this income right about now. And it took him maybe six months to find work again after being laid off from his last job. (Which btw is where he had met woman #2 who he was calling ... and I called her too and she told me she thought he just had a "room mate" according to him). Before he fell asleep he apologized and was crying. He also went and kissed our kids and apologized to me again and said he loves me. I asked him about him getting counseling and he said yes but then asks me what am I going to do (i.e. I need to promise something in return?) 

I just heard him call out my name from our bedroom, but I think he went back to sleep.

I'm sorry this is SOOO long  I see so many stories on here and I know I'm just another one. I'm so depressed. I don't want to leave him. I still love him. I feel somewhere between heartache, headache & just kind of feeling nothing. I don't feel devastated right now I just feel like tired and no emotion. I hope it doesn't come across as me not caring.

My main concern when I logged on was, I really need advice on what to do now?? WE live in a small home with our kids, do I not sleep with him until we reach some kind of agreement or something? Wouldn't that push him to the other woman? Note when things are good, we usually have sex at least once a day. Do I sleep with him and carry on as normal, making his lunch/morning coffee as I took it on myself to do usually, all while talking and working things out?? Or do I drop those things and let him handle it himself?? I don't want to be a pushover or let him feel like it's ok. But I also don't want to cut off love and have him feel more pull toward someone else. I don't want to threaten and drive him away, I don't really want to leave or make him leave, but I DON'T WANT HIM TO DO IT AGAIN!!!!!!! 

I'm going insane with this man. I've always been a "hopeless romantic" but this relationship is slowly chipping away at my belief in a faithful true love & in myself. I'm so tired of giving my all to this man and having this thing happen.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Lil sister, I'm sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.

For now carry on with the day to day stuff, but get into MC as soon as possible. 

You two need two sit down and have a long talk while he is not tipsy. He has a habit of chasing women who work with him.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Thanks so much for your reply. It means a lot just to know someone out there heard me. I'm scared about that habit..



OldWolf57 said:


> Lil sister, I'm sorry you are here, but you are in the right place.
> 
> For now carry on with the day to day stuff, but get into MC as soon as possible.
> 
> You two need two sit down and have a long talk while he is not tipsy. He has a habit of chasing women who work with him.


----------



## usman (Aug 29, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> I'm going insane with this man. I've always been a "hopeless romantic" but this relationship is slowly chipping away at my belief in a faithful true love & in myself. I'm so tired of giving my all to this man and having this thing happen.


There is nothing to worry about. You two need to just sit and talk. Try to find out things that are lacking in your relationship. Try to be more supportive and caring towards each other. If possible take a holiday, spend a day with each other, just talk and discuss. Make list of Do's and dont's. For any advice pm me or contact me.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Please, does anyone else have any advice or ideas? I'm lost about where to go next... 

I didn't go to sleep until 3:00 am on the couch. Before I went to bed I put his lunch together like usual and set up the coffee maker. my 2 yr old woke me up ten minutes before he usually catches his ride to work. When I called him over, he came looking angry and sat down across from me. I asked him if he wanted to work on our relationship? He just sat there a long time, so I asked him again, and he said he doesn't know and shook his head and looked angry. He said he can't talk to me. I asked if he wanted to keep communicating with the other woman and he said no right away. Then he just got up saying "I didn't do anything" like he was impatient and defensive. I told him he cheated and that texting is cheating. 

He walked away saying I just need to sit down and let him speak, and that he can't talk to me. I told him I was looking for reassurance this morning not attitude, for a sign he wants to work on things, that he wants to be with me and not anyone else... Then he said he's not angry, he's acting like this because he's embarassed, humiliated and sorry for what he did, that he doesn't know why he does this, and that he loves me. Then he hugged me but he had to leave, so he walked out the door saying he loved me. He called me from outside asking if I wanted to talk. but his ride pulled up (carpool) so he told me he'd have to call me back later.

please can someone help me look at all this from the outside?? thank you so so so much... I can't tell what he's thinking or feeling. I was caught off guard that he seemed to have an attitude. I'm going crazy thinking does the woman work with him today, what is their daily interaction... I don't know anything about her, and how they met, and what's going on.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

usman said:


> There is nothing to worry about. You two need to just sit and talk. Try to find out things that are lacking in your relationship. Try to be more supportive and caring towards each other. If possible take a holiday, spend a day with each other, just talk and discuss. Make list of Do's and dont's. For any advice pm me or contact me.


I just saw your reply... I think we do need to talk. He's always saying that to me even before this. With two small kids and our schedule it's sometimes hard to sit down and do that.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> *We did decide to work on us. But after the first break of trust 2 years ago, we never really recovered. We used to be soulmates and deeply, passionately in love. That is just damaged beyond repair even though we tried (trying?) to fix* it.
> 
> *Even though he was having more sex with me than usual every night and then kissing and professing much love to me every morning before work.*
> 
> ...


Everything I have highlighted in your post show just how this man is disrespecting you.
He knows exactly how to pull your heartstrings and he is manipulating you.
He is a serial cheater.
The other " affairs " were never really resolved and you just swept everything under the rug.
This gave him th egreen light to go ahead with his behaviour.

He will NEVER stop unless you show him the door and tell him to GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
Only then will he realize that you are serious and show you some respect.

You are in love with him, 
Is he in love with you?
Do you want to live the rest of your life that way?

Call off the marriage.
LOVE YOURSELF.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Everything I have highlighted in your post show just how this man is disrespecting you.
> He knows exactly how to pull your heartstrings and he is manipulating you.
> He is a serial cheater.
> The other " affairs " were never really resolved and you just swept everything under the rug.
> ...


that hurts to read but I think you're right. I wonder if he's a serial cheater but I don't know what makes him the way he is. If I ask myself deep down I've doubted many many times if he really loves me or if he understands the love I offer him. But it was different in the first year of our relationship. He was completely devoted to me, thoughtful and kind. I just don't know what happened.

How would we ever resolve any of it?? Separation?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> that hurts to read but I think you're right. I wonder if he's a serial cheater but I don't know what makes him the way he is. If I ask myself deep down I've doubted many many times if he really loves me or if he understands the love I offer him. But it was different in the first year of our relationship. He was completely devoted to me, thoughtful and kind. I just don't know what happened.
> 
> How would we ever resolve any of it?? Separation?


What you have to do is be prepared to " rock the boat."
He is in a comfortable position right now and he is manipulating you , because 

1] You are a romantic in love. You believe in him.
2] There are children involved.
3] Both of you are engaged, even though he is not faithful .

So there is no consequences for his behaviour.
Firstly you need to stop suffering in silence and expose him to all his friends and family and co workers in your social circle.
If the woman at work is married, tell her husband also.

If he says sorry and says he wants to change tell him that he needs to go to individual counselling.

Monitor all his private communication , that is a right you have to take from him for if he wants to keep you.So you will have access to is phone , emails , facebook etc.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Do yourself a favor, and do not marry this man. Pull the plug now. Take back your life. He will not change.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Save yourself and leave this guy. He's a serial cheater. He broke you trust years ago with several women and he's at it again. 

There is nothing here to save. You will never trust him again.

Do you want your daughters growing up thinking this is ok?

And for goodness sake, do not SLEEP with him. Why reward bad behavior? You are in a powerful position now. Do not let him think otherwise. Don't let him walk all over you.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> Hi everyone... I'm a new user to this forum after browsing a little bit. I really really would appreciate help or advice. I'm so lost right now. I talked to a family friend (well, his friend) who was helpful but he doesn't really know what I should do other than that my fiance needs counseling. And I have no one else to turn to about this
> 
> I'm in a long term relationship for four years, he's asked me to marry him and we're planning that. I have one little girl from previous marriage who's 6, and we have a 2 1/2 yr old together. We've had our ups and downs because my fiance has "talked to" a couple women before. Texts, emails, phone calls. AS FAR AS I KNOW nothing physical at all. I'd be willing to bet by evidence (I got very very investigative) & my gut too.
> 
> ...


If you are not in a position to leave him, you are in a position to have him do the same thing over again, as I understand this behavior has been numerious.

Set some strong guidelines for him, and ones he must follow without promises from you (as he requested). Seems like your little boy likes to play games. 

Also, grow up and have a little self respect, I can tell by your language (using words like tipsy-wtf) and your tone, you need some maturing. Maturity starts from not allowing someone to walk all over you, start tomorrow! 

I might be a bit more harsher than some other posts, but I just tell you how I see it, IMOHO. take care.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

gingerlily said:


> If I ask myself deep down I've doubted many many times if he really loves me or if he understands the love I offer him. *But it was different in the first year of our relationship*


That was 3 years ago. 

You keep asking "how can WE resolve this?" There is nothing for YOU to resolve. If he wanted to stop this foolery, he would have a long time ago but he's shown you countless times, it's all about him, his needs, his gratification, that you and your love are not a priority for him.

Respect yourself. Because he doesn't.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> Please, does anyone else have any advice or ideas? I'm lost about where to go next...
> 
> I didn't go to sleep until 3:00 am on the couch. Before I went to bed I put his lunch together like usual and set up the coffee maker. my 2 yr old woke me up ten minutes before he usually catches his ride to work. When I called him over, he came looking angry and sat down across from me. I asked him if he wanted to work on our relationship? He just sat there a long time, so I asked him again, and he said he doesn't know and shook his head and looked angry. He said he can't talk to me. I asked if he wanted to keep communicating with the other woman and he said no right away. Then he just got up saying "I didn't do anything" like he was impatient and defensive. I told him he cheated and that texting is cheating.
> 
> ...


Definately seems like your boyfriend has communication issues. Good thing is you were able to slightly break through to him in the AM before he went to work by him telling you he was embarrassed and didnt know why he did what he did. Big step i would say to admit his wrong doing.

Anyway, you want advice, make a date for a sit down with him, where there will be little distractions and the both of you have enough time to discuss feelings and expectations of your relationship (Maybe write your down so you wont forget any too).

Advice on when you speak to him, start the conversation off with good things, how much he means to you, how much he means to the children, how you want so much to have a strong stable family unit. Once you take your time to express these areas, tell him his past and recent behavior are jeopardizing the family. Ask him why does he seek out these type of relationships with women when he has a woman at home, and a family to take care of. Try and get an understanding of his thoughts. 

Whatever you do, do not attack him, because he will just put up a defense and the discussion will fall to pieces. 

I think this is the first step. Best of Luck


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What I would do:

Get a job so you can support yourself (if you don't have one).
Go about your day as normal & focus on yourself & your children.
Stop obsessing about him but keep investigating.
See a counselor.
Work out & take extra care of yourself.
Stop begging, pleading, crying to your fiancee.
Tell your fiancee there will no more talking about "us" until he cuts of all contact with other women.
No more sex until he (see above).
No marriage counseling until he (see above).
Save money & prepare to leave him.
Tell him your plan.
Stay here for advice & support.

I know you love him, want to get married & be a happy family but you have self-respect & don't want to share him with other woman & kudos to you.

Set up your boundaries & stick to them.


----------



## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

He is a serial cheater. I am one so it is easy for me to identify. I can't say he will ever change, but he definetly won't if you don't give him consequences for his actions. I would start with calling of the wedding and seperating. He needs to grow up, and put you and your childrens needs before his own. Let him know what you want and it isn't a selfish cheater.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Thank you all for the replies. I'm going to have to reread through them several times. I know what's being said seems like the obvious, and I know it, but I still need to get it into my head so I can remain strong and change my reactions to all this. I really don't want to relent or just turn over within a day or two. I want to resolve this.

Just to update. He called me from work. He began to explain how he feels stupid today. I didn't say anything, he just kept talking. He said yes, he was cheating (by texting) and it's the same way he's cheated on me before. He said he has nothing he can say to me and he doesn't know how I feel about him today. He expressed he can't drink anymore because he's not able to manage work, life, family and drinking, and it makes him act in ways that aren't right. In his own words "self destructive" and that it's not fair to hurt me in that destructive way, so he must stop "all the ****" including drinking and talking to women. He said he'll ruin the good things happening in his life if he doesn't stop all of it now, and that several people have told him today (? I guess he talked to someone) that he can't manage things the way he has been, and he needs to stop if he wants to survive and have a stable life. I didn't say much I just let him talk except to say I was listening.

He then told me the lady in question got transferred. I asked him what he meant and he said 30 mins before he called me, management came and took her and transferred her to another location for work. He said "it's almost as if Someone did that for you and me, or for her, that Someone took her away so that nothing else can happen. Because it wasn't right what was happening." He ended there had to go back to work.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He is totally disrespecting you. He is discarding your love like a meaningless thing. I totally agree with Caribbean man. He is a serial cheater. He will carry on while you allow him to. 

When you say you do not want to push him into the arms of the other woman, don't let this fear rule the reality of the situation. Think of those people that get respect from whoever, whenever, just by their very demeanor. They don't take no sh*t and those who give them any are discarded as a waste of time!

Those who demand respect, get it. Those who lay down and take whatever comes their way, they get disrespected. You get treated in the way that you allow yourself to be treated. 

What you need to do at this point is remain firm in any belief you have and not waver. Don't let him divert your attention off him when u are unhappy with what he does. He will if he can. And then if you refuse to allow him to do that, he will probably get angry, throw some insults, and then walk out of the conversation. Let him. And let him know you mean business.

Lay down the law with him, stand up for yourself, and put the boundaries in place. Firmly. Don't talk with him, discuss, u cannot 'nice' him out of his behaviour. Hear that if you hear nothing else...YOU CANNOT 'NICE' HIM OUT OF HIS BEHAVIOUR. He will use the tactics that cheaters use, I have heard these in your posts already. He is asking what you will do in return for him to not text other women asking for sex! In return for him getting counselling due to his problem! What??? Since when did a devoted Mrs have to barter to stop her man chatting up and coming on to other women! He tries to turn the problems that he created into your problems. His defense is to attack. That is not sorrow. That is not regret. That is him trying to hide from his lies. Know that you are right, and demand proper treatment, or he can go. That is the only way forward. And proper treatment to you means he sorts himself out. And comes clean. As they say, the 1st step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. Do not let him sidetrack the issue. Do not let him answer your questions with an accusation at you. Don't. Know you are right, stay focussed on the problem.

Difficult I know, I have been on this forum 10 months and have slowly had that realisation. They all have a very similar pattern. He will try and turn it into yor problem with his behaviour, but it is his problem, he'll try and turn it into something wrong with you. You cannot win while he does this. And the only thing to do is to demand your boundaries & that you are respected. If he chooses not to it is then your choice as to what to do next.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The wedding should be called off immediately. He's a serial cheater and has shown you what the future will be if you marry him. If you do, you will be regretting it big time later on. By then you might have more children with him.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Maybe she asked to be transferred due to him? Maybe she said those things to him? Maybe not. Maybe it was your friend you spoke to about it - his friend - that finally spoke to him today. Whatever, he needs to come clean about his problems, and give you the respect u deserve. 

If he continues in what he has been doing, I meant to say this in my above post, read up on here, read others stories, read and read. See how the other stories mirror your own. And the realisation will set in of what you have to do.

Do it in your own time, and what is right to your situation. And see his actions. Not his words.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Remains said:


> Maybe she asked to be transferred due to him? Maybe she said those things to him? Maybe not. Maybe it was your friend you spoke to about it - his friend - that finally spoke to him today.
> 
> I meant to say this in my above post, read up on here, read others stories, read and read.


thanks... LOTS of stuff on this forum wow.

He's been calling me constantly today. every break, lunch, when he got off work, which isn't typical. Sometimes to apologize. Other times trying normal convo. he texted early in the morning he's so so sorry for his disrespect of me. I never used that word to him (disrespect) so I hope it shows he's been thinking this over. He also said it's not about the woman (because it could just as well be another woman), and no fault of mine, but about him and his problem and he said he's the one who has to work on it. again... I haven't really said any of that to him. I'm relieved to see him saying these things out of his own feeling.

I did talk to our friend. He asked me how I was and hope things are better today, but hadn't talked to *** yet. I also called ***'s brother who has always been good and supportive, and finally told him what's going on. I'd never told anyone about the previous cheating. ***'s brother said *** is selfish and has issues with impulse control etc. He thinks *** needs counseling and said he's sure I can handle this, I just have to stop making excuses for him. Bro-in-law called me later to say *** called him, and told him he did something stupid (in our relationship) and wants to talk to him later.

I suggested to *** tonight when the kids are asleep and he's home, we can talk about intentions and plans.


----------



## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

gingerlily said:


> Thanks so much for your reply. It means a lot just to know someone out there heard me. I'm scared about that habit..





usman said:


> There is nothing to worry about. You two need to just sit and talk. Try to find out things that are lacking in your relationship. Try to be more supportive and caring towards each other. If possible take a holiday, spend a day with each other, just talk and discuss. Make list of Do's and dont's. For any advice pm me or contact me.






gingerlily said:


> I just saw your reply... I think we do need to talk. He's always saying that to me even before this. With two small kids and our schedule it's sometimes hard to sit down and do that.



Just possibly sticking my head in my ass here, but when you posted originally, is there a chance that he found out? I noticed that the user "usman" joined today also, and started responding to your thread... Just seemed weird to me.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

GL, his problem is growing up. Some think they want the american dream, but when its time to step up to the plate and take on the load, they can't handle it.
I give him credit for admitting his wrongs, but ask him does he really want a wife and family, and all the responsibility that goes with it.
As for you, NEVER let anyone treat you like he did. YOU must respect yourself, and demand it of others.
I'm sure some of the vets here, can point out books for the 2 of your to read. 

Good Luck Lil Sis, and God Bless.


----------



## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

I have a question, since he is so appologetic and remorseful for his actions, you say he has done this talking with other woman before, when you found out, was he this puppy dog way sheepishly acting remorseful? If so we know this is just an act and he will resume his typical behavior in the near future. Important question, please reply.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> Just possibly sticking my head in my ass here, but when you posted originally, is there a chance that he found out? I noticed that the user "usman" joined today also, and started responding to your thread... Just seemed weird to me.


lol no I don't see that as possible. For one, he was at work while "usman" was responding, and his work is within a warehouse situation - no access to the net. And for another, he's really not that technologically talented. I still made sure to browse securely etc. on my laptop, so I wouldn't cause more drama by him reading any postings about it.

I didn't know usman just joined today.


----------



## usman (Aug 29, 2012)

humanbecoming said:


> Just possibly sticking my head in my ass here, but when you posted originally, is there a chance that he found out? I noticed that the user "usman" joined today also, and started responding to your thread... Just seemed weird to me.


Excuse me ! I have posted many replies on this forum and usually people are liking my suggestions and posts. Im not gingerlily's guy !


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> GL, his problem is growing up. Some think they want the american dream, but when its time to step up to the plate and take on the load, they can't handle it.
> I give him credit for admitting his wrongs, but ask him does he really want a wife and family, and all the responsibility that goes with it.
> As for you, NEVER let anyone treat you like he did. YOU must respect yourself, and demand it of others.
> I'm sure some of the vets here, can point out books for the 2 of your to read.
> ...


Thanks... I'm wondering myself if he can handle the responsibility. I don't know. A part of me feels like throwing in the towel today.  I was so tired yesterday and this morning. I felt like just laying down and not doing a thing, but with two kids and everything else I can't do that. I ask myself if it's really worth all this work? I mean even when I TELL him HE has to do all the work to fix this, and even though HE agrees to it... even just the act of being with him and having the patience while he tries to correct himself is work. I just don't know if he really understands. "If" he doesn't understand can he? What is the success rate of this kind of thing? 
Random questions, more like talking things out of my head, so idk you really don't have to personally answer that lol 

I wonder myself if he can handle the responsibility. It's a long story about that. But I believe he has issues with being committed and responsible to various things in his life, even though he WANTS those things. Maybe that's even the underlying issue concerning faithfulness? He's never been in a long term, committed relationship with kids before us.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> I have a question, since he is so appologetic and remorseful for his actions, you say he has done this talking with other woman before, when you found out, was he this puppy dog way sheepishly acting remorseful? If so we know this is just an act and he will resume his typical behavior in the near future. Important question, please reply.


The first time he talked to another woman it was an ex of his while I was first pregnant. she was in a different state, it was emails and phone calls. Emails were mostly about saying good bye and not being able to talk anymore, and they both seemed heartbroken, but knew it was the best blah blah.

I found out after our baby was born. I confronted him but I was so devastated I was just a mess... I can't explain it was just the most terrible hurt I've ever felt in my life. His reaction as I remember was just total silence but support. He did a lot of holding me, comforting me, and allowing me to talk. He agreed to anything. he was truly remorseful I believe. And meant what he said.

I forgave him and decided to give him another chance. Things were ok but I really didn't trust him and was insecure. I did a lot of asking him where he is, where he's going, crying, asking if he loved me. I felt ugly and depressed and expressed that. I acted insecure around other women, to the point he was seeing it and telling me I shouldn't because I'm beautiful. After a couple months of that he started to act angry and snappy at me, and say hurtful things. there's a newborn in the house too then along with my young daughter and his first time having kids. Wow writing this now I see how badly I handled that affair.

Ok, somehow we got over that period. We got much much closer but never back to what it was before that confrontation. I never trusted him again. On his last job he started talking to a woman and I found the texts so I called the number and the woman said he told her he had a roommate. He wasn't sad and remorseful, he acted like he didn't even know her at first. Then he acted like she was lying. Then he was mad at me for snooping and suspecting him. I told him I was leaving him and then he was remorseful and asked me to stay with him... and we talked it out and I laid out boundaries for him. And I gave him another chance!

So that was six months ago or so? maybe more like a yr. Now there's this time around. I let down my guard and started trying to trust him. This is the result I guess. He never did go to counseling like we had agreed back then.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

gingerlily said:


> He then told me the lady in question got transferred. I asked him what he meant and he said 30 mins before he called me, management came and took her and transferred her to another location for work. He said "it's almost as if Someone did that for you and me, or for her, that Someone took her away so that nothing else can happen. Because it wasn't right what was happening." He ended there had to go back to work.


This sounds way too convenient...they're only words from a person who hides things and lies to you.You might want to try and verify.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

to update... we didn't get a chance to talk last night. Moreso because I decided we should wait a moment until we have time. I hadn't slept in over 24 hrs and I was tired, and he had been working, kids a distraction etc. He agreed. He tried to have sex (it's almost routine normally) and I declined. I told him I didn't want to until we figure some things out, in other areas of our relationship outside of sex. He said sorry and understood.

this morning he was distant and looking sad. I went about doing things as normal, I didn't care if he looked sad honestly. It made me kind of mad to see him sitting there looking sad without saying anything, for some reason. So I ignored it. I just reminded him we have to talk and he said ok but didn't look at me. On the way out he kissed me goodbye and said love you, and I returned that....

while picking up stuff this morning I checked our shared cell (we have personal cells, and a shared phone for emergencies) and it had the woman's number labelled under "Corona Beer". It was a phone call 30 sec long made 8/23. When I saw that I started feeling pissed, sick, like I just wanted to bail out on him. I thought things over, then texted him... I told him I do love him but was unsure I wanted to be with him. That he had to tell me if he wanted this family, home, me, if he had a plan to correct what he was doing. Otherwise I had to make a plan to leave. I told him I needed to progress in one direction or the other, and asked him to reply when he had time, let me know if he wanted this.

About 30 mins later he called me. He said he got my texts. When I said ok, he asked do I want to make him have a bad day at work? I told him no, I wanted to know the answer to what I asked. I told him I wasn't making him have a bad day, if he was in fact having one -- HE was the one who created all this. So if he felt like he was having a bad day by me addressing this, HE brought that on himself by cheating and trying to have sex with another woman. He said I told him I might leave him but I didn't say that yesterday. I told him I meant that I can't pretend nothing happened. I need to progress, so unless he can do more to assure me it won't happen again, I have no choice but to plan on leaving. He told me "I don't react well to threats." I told him I don't react well to his cheating. I told him this isn't the first time, so it isn't like he just slipped up, he's a serial cheater and I need to SEE something to tell me this would never happen again. Unless he can give me a better plan to correct his behavior, then yes, I have to plan on leaving because I have no other choice. He needs to tell me if he wants me and this family and household. He just kept saying "ok... ok..." then he had to go back to work.

Ten mins later he texted me saying "Yes, I want this family, home, and you."

I still don't know what to do. I'm so mad. I feel sick. His attitude when he called totally made me want to do a Lorena Bobbitt (lol... not really... but you know). But in my heart I hope in some way this can work out. I hope this doesn't mean all this love, years, and all our relationship and friendship and the good times, everything is for nothing. It breaks my heart. Is success even possible?  The weird feeling is, I want soooo badly to turn to him and tell HIM how I feel and all my thoughts, and open up to him, and have him understand, and have him be the one to lean on, but I can't.


----------



## gingerlily (Aug 29, 2012)

TBT said:


> This sounds way too convenient...they're only words from a person who hides things and lies to you.You might want to try and verify.


I thought about that too but I don't know her name...


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

gingerlily said:


> I thought about that too but I don't know her name...


I would want him to prove it to me...and so what if they moved her to another location,they can still text.What is it about her being gone physically that changes anything? And I'm sure you know that there are a lot of sites with chat capabilities.Don't forgive and forget over a few contrite words as he may be counting on what you've done in the past.He needs to be completely transparent with you.Actions not words.


----------



## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this type of nonsense. What an insensitive PRICK. Your husband can't make up his mind what he wants and he is so shallow to hurt you, his loving wife who had his baby. 

He is totally blinded by the fact that a marriage is a union between one man and one woman, not a whole bunch of women. This guy makes my stomach turn. I know you love him, but he has no respect for you and acts like he is a victim when you point it out. Given the circumstances and the evidence that you have provided so far, it doesn't seem like he has done anything physical which is good. Unfortunately he seems very immature which is something not easily fixable unless you leave him. 

This will change his attitude as he knows you are a strong person with lots of willpower and will not tolerate such immature and disrespectful behavior. I know you have kids and that makes it even tougher, but it is also will make him squirm like a biitcch because he knows that he can lose seeing his baby on a daily basis. 

Use your strength as a woman to mess with him, don't let him be so condescending to you. Be strong and be vigilant, check his emails, facebook, text messages, anything and everything to make sure he is not continuing with this. Your his wife and allowed access to everything he has, there is no privacy in marriage, unless he is in the bathroom pooping.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Ginger, this guy isn't going to make a suitable husband. This is the 3rd time you've caught him in the act. Does that possibly mean there are others out there, that haven't responded to his advances? Maybe.

If you marry this guy, you're going to end up like that woman in that one Twilight Zone episode. Perhaps you haven't seen it, but it's call Spur of the Moment, and this young girl is engaged to marry a real good guy, but she's attracted to the rebellious bad boy. So, she chooses the bad boy, but before she does, this older woman in black is screaming for her to stop (she went out horseback riding) and freakin' the younger gal out. It turns out that the woman in black is the future version of the younger gal, warning her younger self to NOT marry that man. 

Crazy, I know.

My SIL was married to a similarly douchey guy. He cheated on her throughout the time they were dating. MY SIL is a chick that tries to hold on to her man, and get counseling. They were good for 6 months or so, and they decided to get married. Things were well for another 3 months before he banged a co-worker of hers. I'm sure he would have banged his own co-worker, as he had done in the past, but he was unemployed. 

Are you young? If so, don't let the financial stuff fool you. Stay with a relative, do what you gotta do, go to school, scrape by until you have a means of your own...but this dude isn't going to get better after marriage. He's already shown what he's going to do. The fact that he attempts to have sex with you after just goes to show how lacking this guy is in the husband department.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I missed this post, you wrote some time ago now. How are u doing? Has he made any shows of effort to prove he wants to change his cheating ways? 

No?

Mine hasn't either. He thinks that saying 'I love you' will make it all go away. I'd like to say at this point 'God, men are pricks aren't they', but they are not...men are great! This type of men tho, they are pricks! To an immense degree.

p.s. I hope my answer of no to my question was wrong  and I hope you are doing well.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have said enough to him, he is a big boy and knows what to do to make you secure. I doubt he will change as he is an experienced cheater and needs the rush it gives him , save yourself years of pain and start preparing for a life without him . 

Go into 180 mode as this will help stabalise you emotionaly and dont share your plans. Over the days and weeks you may see glimmers of hope and your heart may tell you he is changing, its tempting to pretend the change is permanent experience says otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

