# Sad and lonely and confused.



## lostinMI (Jun 2, 2008)

Hi folks, thanks for taking time to read this. Hopefully you can give me some insight to my problems, as I am completely lost.

This should probably be the happiest time in my life right now. I got married to my boyfriend of three years about three weeks ago. And well, I can't say it feels a lot different than when we were just dating.

He's moved into my place, but we sleep in different rooms. He snores a lot which prevents me from sleeping and when he snores, I hit him, so that prevents him from getting a good night's sleep. At first I thought that it was really nice of him for being concerned about my quality of sleep, but now I'm not so sure that's all it is. We've been married now like I said for a little over three weeks and we've only been intimate twice, neither of which resulted in you know what. 

I always heard about the passion in a marriage going away after awhile, but three weeks into the marriage? What do you think I have done wrong??

I am very lost, very confused, very hurt, very sad, but mostly lonely. Lonely because I am typing this from my room while my husband is sleeping in his bedroom down the hall.

Please help. Thank you.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

So basically snoring is the issue here.

Try to go to sleep before your husband. Also he may have a nasal drip that would cause this or something else. Have a Doctor check him out see if there are any issues medically to his snoring.

The beginning of a marriage is tough, you are learning about each other, give it some time.

Communicate about it.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You should never lose intamancy. My wife and I have been married ten years and our love, intamancy and sex life are the best they have ever been and it was never bad to start with.

Sleeping in different rooms makes for a challenge but there are many ways around it. My wife and I have never worked the same shift for long and are both busy and we find the time.

Work on your communication skills now.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

If snoring is the key issue then address it. See a doctor to see if there is a medical reason. If he is overweight snoring can be a result. Try the over the counter snoring aids. The nose “bandaide” really does work. I’ve used them for a couple of years now. Not sleeping in the same bed will obviously reduce your intimacy.


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## lostinMI (Jun 2, 2008)

thank you for all your words of advice. unfortunately i think it's more than just the snoring issue, i think he's using it to hide some bigger issue behind it. i guess i just thought that marrying him, i'd get a husband, not a new housemate....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

lostinMI said:


> thank you for all your words of advice. unfortunately i think it's more than just the snoring issue, i think he's using it to hide some bigger issue behind it. i guess i just thought that marrying him, i'd get a husband, not a new housemate....


What are the bigger issues as you see them or is it that he felt he'd get a roomate with occasional benefits?

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lostinMI said:


> And well, I can't say it feels a lot different than when we were just dating.





lostinMI said:


> I always heard about the passion in a marriage going away after awhile, but three weeks into the marriage? What do you think I have done wrong??


I'm a little confused as to whether something drastically changed when you got married or whether you expected things to change once you got married? If it's the latter, I wouldn't expect any major changes from the 3 years you dated. If there are issues, they need to be talked about and addressed whether they just started happening or existed all along.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

lostinMI said:


> I am very lost, very confused, very hurt, very sad, but mostly lonely. Lonely because I am typing this from my room while my husband is sleeping in his bedroom down the hall.
> 
> Please help. Thank you.


What makes you assume that _you_ have done anything wrong?

Did your relationship ever reflect your expectations for marriage?
What prompted you and your partner's desire for marriage?


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

swedish said:


> I'm a little confused as to whether something drastically changed when you got married or whether you expected things to change once you got married?


Me too...if things were different before you guys atleast have something to move towards - or find - again. If the problems have been there from the start it's a little trickier. Start with trying to remedy the snoring issue then encourage him back into the same bed. If he makes up excuses then it's time to try some good communication skills such as "I feel" statements and active listening skills. For example, tell him, "Honey, I feel really lonely when you are sleeping in the other room. Is there something other than my snoring that's bothering you?" Listen to him carefully, reflect back what he says to make sure you've understood him then try to validate and empathize with his position (if he has one...if he says, "I'm fine" you might have hit a roadblock).

Good luck! It's way to early to start creating such distance between you!!!


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## lostinMI (Jun 2, 2008)

He comes from a very religious background and so we decided to abstain from sex until we were married. So really I don't have a lot to compare to from BEFORE the marriage.... I thought we were never THAT physical because he didn't want to get into temptation, but now I'm not so sure. Do you think this is the problem? Him being uncomfortable about it? 

I guess I just assumed that when we were finally "allowed" to do it, it would come naturally. Apparently not. But don't get me wrong, it's not like he was a virgin and had no experience. It's definitely not a case of him not knowing what to do.

I think his snoring does play a part of the problem, but I guess I just thought that all men would want to be with their wives somehow and would find away to make that physical connection. But our evenings consist of us watching TV, then him saying good night and going to his room to bed. 

Outside of this area, we're the best of friends, I can't complain about any other aspect of our relationship. But really at this point, I don't see a whole lot of difference between him being my boyfriend/husband and being a boy friend. 

Once again, I thank you very much for reading my problems and do appreciate the insights you have. It's helpful to have impartial advice. I know I will have to talk to him about it eventually....


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## maybesoon (May 22, 2008)

dear sad and lonely and confused. your last post really spoke to me. i am also going through a similar situation. we however have now been married for almost two years and i have thus far had sex twice this year. it is very frustrating because i am a very sexual person and really need that connection. at the beginning of our relationship i would constantly try to be intimate with him and he would just push me away doing a crossword and watching tv. now sex has just become uncomfortable. 
i, like you, feel like i am married to my best guy friend...but nothing more. i have actually told him that and he got upset and has yet to show signs of amending the problem. the only time he wants to have sex with me is when he's drunk. i really feel your pain. 
it is very frustrating and even degrading to not be wanted sexually by the one person you have chosen to spend your life with. because you arent supposed to get it from anywhere else. i feel like i'm being punished for something. 
i'm sorry you are going through this. it sucks.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Some men and even more women just don't have the drive. It might be many things. 

complacency

Low hormones

Physical/mental issues

Religious beliefs

Medications

Feeling rejected

etc.

I think communication here is the key.

draconis


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

Have you brought this up to him? If so, what did he say? It definitely sounds to me like there's a real problem....a man not wanting to have sex with his new wife is not normal, especially since the two of you waited. Did he have a bad experience with sex in the past?


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