# signs you are in a sexless relationship



## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

After both having a rare day off together, and staying awake in bed, eventually giving up and walking into the living room:

"I thought you would eventually come back to bed."

She replies, "Oh, I can't go back to sleep."

Sigh.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Well, for starters:

*Wife going to bed, then rolling over toward the opposite side of the bed facing the wall.

*No kisses ~ No affection!

*Wife going to bed wearing the most unattractive pajamas or sweats, and then reading a book for what seems like hours before going to sleep, even when you're lying there naked.

*Going to bed alone, then waking back up at 3AM wondering why wife had not joined you there already, only to arise, check on her, and summarily/secretly find out that she's on the PC playing on FB. Only much, much later in the relationship, to find out that it's with her BF's.

*Wife starts locking the bathroom door when bathing!*


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

partner doesn't have sex with you.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

headaches and stomach-aches.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

You know you may be in a sexless marriage when:

‘Getting lucky’ means finding a great parking spot in the shade at the mall

‘hot action’ refers to how much pepper you add to your favorite chili recipe

When being told ‘I am really hot and bothered’ means ‘Call the AC guy to fix this damn thing’


I am not making light of this, but, ‘If we could not laugh we would all go insane’.

Invites other posters to come up with something.

For some reason, there are no equivalents to the long lists that starts with
‘You know you may be a (insert region/nationality/culture here) if….

19 months since last encounter, and counting……


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> partner doesn't have sex with you.


Really?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ericthesane said:


> You know you may be in a sexless marriage when:
> 
> ‘Getting lucky’ means finding a great parking spot in the shade at the mall
> 
> ...


:rofl:


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ScarletBegonias said:


> -husband gets home to find you naked in bed,proceeds to play w/dogs and talk about parental drama
> -send flirty texts to husband and receive no reply
> -snuggle naked w/husband rubbing his chest and smashing your body against him...he manages to keep a flaccid penis the entire time.
> -send racy vid clip of yourself doing sexy things...barely receive a hug and kiss when husband returns home.no sex that night.
> -you haven't had sex since the weekend and he has not responded to your sexy advances.


Alternately, your wife NEVER does anything like this with you


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> -husband gets home to find you naked in bed,proceeds to play w/dogs and talk about parental drama
> -send flirty texts to husband and receive no reply
> -snuggle naked w/husband rubbing his chest and smashing your body against him...he manages to keep a flaccid penis the entire time.
> -send racy vid clip of yourself doing sexy things...barely receive a hug and kiss when husband returns home.no sex that night.
> -you haven't had sex since the weekend and he has not responded to your sexy advances.


I'd pay large sums of money. I'd offer up my first born. I'd be willing to switch to Vegan. All of the above if my wife did 1/10 of the items listed here.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> I'd pay large sums of money. I'd offer up my first born. I'd be willing to switch to Vegan. All of the above if my wife did 1/10 of the items listed here.


yeah,because you're into her.You wouldn't appreciate any of it if you weren't passionate about her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> -you're so sick of sexual dysfunction that you aren't even horny anymore...except when the fedex man drops off packages..then your imagination is on overdrive.


Oh, SB, I know this is probably meant to be funny and everything, and it is, but it is poignant. 

We have never been sexless, but dh has worked long hours and been away for days and weeks at a time, and I know my imagination has worked overtime. Loneliness can do that to you, even when you don't want it to, you know it's wrong, and you keep telling yourself it's stupid.

So sorry for what you went through in your first marriage, and so glad you are so much happier now.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Thank you!


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

When you walk out the shower 'ready and willing' and your wife says she is too tired. You look at the clock and it says 9:00 :scratchhead:


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yeah,because you're into her.You wouldn't appreciate any of it if you weren't passionate about her.


Yes. though for this context, I'm into this way of living or this sexual togetherness.

until then, I hope the ibuprofen helps the headache. And no more coffee to upset the stomach after 6pm. Also, I hope menstrual cycles last less than 18 days. Additionally, I hope HGTV has less interesting shows.


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

BostonBruins32 said:


> Additionally, I hope HGTV has less interesting shows.


Yea I sometimes have to compete with HGTV


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

to add:

You know you may be in a sexless marriage when:

being asked ‘why don’t you stop by the market and buy a can of whipped cream on your way home’ has no other possible explanation than a key lime pie is on the desert menu that evening.

When ‘doing an all-nighter’ can only mean that you have a deadline for a presentation at the office the next morning morning.

If when a random female by accident brushes her body up against you for a mere half a second, and says ‘Sorry about that’ you think ‘well, that makes only one of us’.

When ‘I just want a lazy Sunday afternoon in bed’ can only mean yet one more Vampire novel will be read.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ericthesane said:


> If when a random female by accident brushes her body up against you for a mere half a second, and says ‘Sorry about that’ you think ‘well, that makes only one of us’.


:rofl:

Too funny, eric.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

ericthesane said:


> being asked ‘why don’t you stop by the market and buy a can of whipped cream on your way home’ has no other possible explanation than a key lime pie is on the desert menu that evening.


or you suggestively say "mmm baby...I'm going to pick up a bottle of wine and maybe stop by the store and get some whipped cream..you know,for later." and you receive "wine gives me a migraine baby...I'm not the biggest fan of whipped cream either."


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

Hmm...I am starting to hear these excuses more and more in our house 

ie: each night this week with the exception of Tuesday my wife will suddenly get a headache after 8:30. Last night it was her stomach...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> or you suggestively say "mmm baby...I'm going to pick up a bottle of wine and maybe stop by the store and get some whipped cream..you know,for later." and you receive "wine gives me a migraine baby...I'm not the biggest fan of whipped cream either."


*Now that is so totally appalling! An 80 year old male corpse could read signals/hints that clear!*


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

When she freaks out when you even mention the word sex.

Me: "you turn me on!"

Her: "I can't believe you said that, please don't!"

Me: "What's wrong with that? I didn't mean anything bad!"

Her: "that's what Russ (her ex) used to say!"

Me: "Well, I'm not Russ!!"


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> -you're playing video games totally naked sitting cross legged on the floor..I mean,ALL your business is spread out...your husband walks in,smiles at you,kisses you on the forehead and heads to the fridge to hunt for snacks.


Wait...he didn't even ask to play the game?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

When you finally get a babysitter so that you can go out to a nice dinner - have a few drinks, then instead of going to another place for a nightcap, you get invited to a friend's house. When you get home, you discharge the sitter, then go upstairs to get ready, wife already has her flannel pj's on and tells you that she's really tired..... 

When wife tells everyone that sex is too much work, and that she'd rather sleep (but she's not too tired to play computer games all night)..... 

When wife has one friend that's enjoys sex, and that friend is held up as a freak (as in enjoying sex is obviously weird).....


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Wait...he didn't even ask to play the game?


:rofl: no


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> yup.should have put that on my list as well.That's a big one.



(Unrelated) UTIs that take weeks to cure


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

When you commute home takes you by a university tennis court and you start to worry that the distraction just might cause you to crash your car.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

my favorite buzz killer with my wife is the "sigh" or the "what are you doing"..

-sigh = orgasms are annoying? you like this Property brothers episode?
-what-are-you-doing = I'm checking the oil. what do you think I'm doing?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

From my sexless friend....

When they tell you to wait until the right time... on a leap year ending in "2" while there is a full moon just after it rains and Saturn is occulting Jupiter while in the constellation Orion. Then when THAT happens... "Not now... I have the Ebola Virus".


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Heard both in a comedy club....

You have sex so infrequently your condom stash (Costco 48 pack Super Stud size) lasts a decade.

You have sex so infrequently your three pack of condoms goes past it's expiration date.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> partner doesn't have sex with you.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

There are never any damp spots in the middle of the bed...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> There are never any damp spots in the middle of the bed...


Unless the dog drooled while napping...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

:rofl:


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You havent has sex in 8 months!


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

When you wife ask you what you want tonight and you reply:

Mexican food and a bj

and she replies I guess you are going out for both.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> When you commute home takes you by a university tennis court and you start to worry that the distraction just might cause you to crash your car.


That is a great response! :smthumbup: :rofl:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> -husband gets home to find you naked in bed,proceeds to play w/dogs and talk about parental drama
> -send flirty texts to husband and receive no reply
> -snuggle naked w/husband rubbing his chest and smashing your body against him...he manages to keep a flaccid penis the entire time.
> -send racy vid clip of yourself doing sexy things...barely receive a hug and kiss when husband returns home.no sex that night.
> -you haven't had sex since the weekend and he has not responded to your sexy advances.


:scratchhead: SC, is that your photo? How could your husband not be in lust all the time?


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## NewHubs (Dec 23, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> :scratchhead: SC, is that your photo? How could your husband not be in lust all the time?


I wondered the same thing too especially assuming that is her pic :scratchhead:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

This rates as one of the most depressing TAM threads ever.

On one of sexless marriage threads I seem to recall that someone hoped his wife was having an affair because it meant there was evidence that she was not asexual.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I Notice The Details said:


> That is a great response! :smthumbup: :rofl:


It was truthfully the strongest reminder that my brain wasn't going to not let me not care about the lack of sex. I could try to suppress the drive; to live with not getting any. Most of the time I could pull it off. But not then. Seeing young, shapely women in skimpy cloths would cause me to remember it really was there.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> This rates as one of the most depressing TAM threads ever.
> 
> On one of sexless marriage threads I seem to recall that someone hoped his wife was having an affair because it meant there was evidence that she was not asexual.


Hey I can remember having that feeling at one point too.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wife wearing the most unattractive bedtime clothes, head to toe, sweats, blech!!!

Wife playing on her laptop and watching tv and falling asleep on the couch all night long.

Wife saying its too late and I'm tired, but its only 9pm.

Wife saying I have no time, but she had the time to talk on the phone for an hour or two, laptop, watch tv, etc.


:rofl:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> :scratchhead: SC, is that your photo? How could your husband not be in lust all the time?


He does lust a lot but he doesn't express it in the typical way a man would express lust.Instead of being intense and passionate,he is silly and sweet. 
He has trouble with intimacy. I think that's why he doesn't react to a lot of the things I do in hopes of seeing a more intense lusty side of him.my intensity makes him uncomfortable.My sexual aggression and openness makes him squirm.I've toned it down considerably almost to the point of being sexually meek.That didn't seem to do the trick for him either.He says he's just not as sexual as the average man.


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

Here's a few:

-A 12 pack box of condoms will last about 2 years.
-Those condoms eventually expire
-You notice that the condoms have apparently grown legs and walked away since the number has decreased over the months to having only 3 left that expired when we only used 1 from that box.


Yes I didn't notice the third one until we were going to have sex one time and I found out that not only were they expired but they had grown legs. Found out she decided to use them, just not with me. hahahaha


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## nj_taltos (Sep 6, 2012)

*Re: Re: signs you are in a sexless relationship*



ScarletBegonias said:


> -you're playing video games totally naked sitting cross legged on the floor..I mean,ALL your business is spread out...


Naked AND video games?! Fridge shouldn't even be in the running there ! (Not to make light, but we gotta laugh right?)


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> He does lust a lot but he doesn't express it in the typical way a man would express lust.Instead of being intense and passionate,he is silly and sweet.
> He has trouble with intimacy. I think that's why he doesn't react to a lot of the things I do in hopes of seeing a more intense lusty side of him.my intensity makes him uncomfortable.My sexual aggression and openness makes him squirm.I've toned it down considerably almost to the point of being sexually meek.That didn't seem to do the trick for him either.He says he's just not as sexual as the average man.


:scratchhead: I guess I'm a little confused too. I knew your new hubs was not the most in your face sexual being, but I thought you two had a healthy sex life overall. Are your posts referring to your ex or the current H?

Apologies if I didn't pick up on your issues earlier. I thought things were going well for you at the moment.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> :scratchhead: I guess I'm a little confused too. I knew your new hubs was not the most in your face sexual being, but I thought you two had a healthy sex life overall. Are your posts referring to your ex or the current H?
> 
> Apologies if I didn't pick up on your issues earlier. I thought things were going well for you at the moment.


We were going strong for a while but after we got married and after we bought our house his drive kinda dropped.
I still would classify our sex life as fairly healthy bc we talk about things,have a lot of affection, and have sex more often than most. I was venting here bc his lack of passion is tough to take sometimes.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

JLD,
You are a very kind person. 




jld said:


> Oh, SB, I know this is probably meant to be funny and everything, and it is, but it is poignant.
> 
> We have never been sexless, but dh has worked long hours and been away for days and weeks at a time, and I know my imagination has worked overtime. Loneliness can do that to you, even when you don't want it to, you know it's wrong, and you keep telling yourself it's stupid.
> 
> So sorry for what you went through in your first marriage, and so glad you are so much happier now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Scarlet,
I am sorry to hear that. 

Has he at least told you what type of clothing gets him the most turned on? 

M2 has killer legs/a$$ so when she wears above the knee skirts or dresses I get hard just looking at her. 

Actually, has he given you his top 10 list of turn ons? He really ought to do that. 



ScarletBegonias said:


> He does lust a lot but he doesn't express it in the typical way a man would express lust.Instead of being intense and passionate,he is silly and sweet.
> He has trouble with intimacy. I think that's why he doesn't react to a lot of the things I do in hopes of seeing a more intense lusty side of him.my intensity makes him uncomfortable.My sexual aggression and openness makes him squirm.I've toned it down considerably almost to the point of being sexually meek.That didn't seem to do the trick for him either.He says he's just not as sexual as the average man.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Scarlet,
> I am sorry to hear that.
> 
> Has he at least told you what type of clothing gets him the most turned on?
> ...


Thanks MEM,I appreciate the support. Although I do want to say I am not suffering. Regardless of his intimacy issues I still lust for him and love him very much.I realize he adores me and loves me deeply. 

I'm one of those people who really asks a thousand questions when dating someone. Especially when it's someone like DH who truly fascinates that hell out of me. So when we had the clothing discussion and the "what turns you on" conversation,he got grilled so to speak. His answers are always consistent. Flashy clothing turns him off for sure. He doesn't get turned on by a particular style of clothing but he enjoys seeing me in boho style clothing. Very earthy flower child type stuff...layered silk wrap skirts,feather clips in my hair,simple plain fitted tank tops,etc. 

He doesn't have a list of 10 things that turn him on. His answer is always "I don't really have anything specific. I just love everything you do.It all turns me on." I've determined his favorite things just by paying attention though. Beyond that,I have no guidance from him. I don't even think he knows exactly what turns him on. I don't think he has ever really thought about it.
He's an odd guy.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I realize he adores me and loves me deeply.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

You bring her, her morning coffee completely naked and she leans to one side because your blocking her view of the TV. You turn to see that she is watching ID TV episodes of "Wives with Knives".

You e-mail her a week and a half before your anniversary not to make plans for next Friday or Saturday. You get no reply and proceed to plan a weekend away, make sure all the kids activities are covered. On Friday she asks why aren't you going to work? I planned a weekend away I said, she replies, "you should have warned me". I refer to the e-mail that she denies receiveing and proceeds to through a fit because she can't get out of it. The best part was our oldest daughter watches all of this in disbelief.


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## Truly Abby (Sep 16, 2013)

Signs:

Texting-
Me: When I see you tonight, no talking, straight to the bedroom. I have plans for you.
Him: Ok
Me: In fact, just be naked in bed when I get home.

*** No answer so I wait...and wait... ***

Me: Sounds good huh??  
Him: I guess so.


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## Kiera88 (Jan 27, 2014)

I can relate to so many of these! I love my LD husband, but I hear these excuses far too often. Especially about being "tired". I hate hearing that damn word. Unfortunately, DH is one of those ppl who let stress or job unhappiness affect our intimacy. We have periods of great sex, then a bump in the road comes along and there's the dry spell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Wow. Someone earlier, said this was one of the most depressing threads on TAM and I think that I have to agree. I am insanely crazy about my wife of 15 years. She turns me on more than when we were dating in our twenties. Now, in our early 40's, with three children, she has little to no drive. I, am the exact opposite. She will let me do it to her pretty much whenever I want and she is very good about making it exciting, but that is purely for my benefit and not hers. It breaks my heart that I cannot get that desire or initiation from her. It's damned depressing. I cannot imagine the rest of my life with an impotent wife. She told me about a friend in her field whom is HD like me, but the friends husband never gives it to her. Seeing her friend suffer from not getting that fulfillment from her husband makes my wife feel guilty about our situation. I take a deep breath, let out a dramatic sigh and wish.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Her - You know Pete & Jenny? They haven't had sex for 10 years.

Me - And....

Her - I know I have work to do on myself and I do want to be intimate with you.

Me - Oh great....ummm about 7 months ago you said "i feel so good, the best I have felt in years. I feel we can explore intimacy again". No pressure but I was just wondering about that....

Her - erhhh....ummm....I was, I was lying about that.

Me - What?

Her - I was making it up, I didn't mean it, I .....

Me - ....OK

Her - I know I have work to do on myself and I do want to be intimate with you.

Me - Oh great....huh?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You havent had sex in close to 9 months


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When your lying in bed and you pull the band on your underwear and peek at your crouch and you see cob webs and hear crickets chirping.

Your condoms are dry rotted.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You donate unused condoms to Goodyear for recycling


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

When you Google "Sex".


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

When you're getting the emotional support you need on these fora


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

When a priest tells you that celibacy in marriage is just wrong and not what God intended. Sex advice from a priest, a sure sign something is very wrong in a marriage.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

RClawson said:


> The anniversary stories here really never registered until I had my own personal experience a couple of years ago. It was one of the most humiliating experiences of my marriage.
> 
> Way to much in the thread that I relate to.


The sad part about the anniversary story, is there are many more stories like it. She has perfected ignoring them.

I agree with relating to so many things in this thread.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

When the lingerie section of Department Store catalogs becomes required reading


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

My H is gone for 2 weeks to a time.When he gets home, he's looking for a cup of tea.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Tango said:


> My H is gone for 2 weeks to a time.When he gets home, he's looking for a cup of tea.


What would he say if you handed him his cup of tea with ONLY your high heels on?....and a feisty smile? :smthumbup:


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

* When you can't concentrate and begin your day at work, until you post the thoughts you are flooded with when seeing this thread.

* When you worry what you post in response here is going to be more negative and dark than what the OP was looking for.

* When you finally have decided it hurts too much to try to initiate, and you hope she avoids initiation too. Because you've found it's easier to just continue drifting apart having lost connection, rather than try to grab back on to her only for her to eventually force herself free again. 

* When you can no longer masturbate thinking of her, either because involuntarily the fantasy takes a turn and she rejects you even there; or because escape into such fantasy feels hollow and fake, making it impossible to just "get into it" and relax.

* When she is out of town, and in the past you would feel comfort at bedtime from her scent on her pillow or nightgown, you instead just try to avoid awareness she is in your life and try to enjoy a few days without her presence.

* When you realize the compromise you have made to retain your sanity and self-respect is to masturbate twice a day, whether you have the urge to or not, just to be sure you will not start feeling a strong desire to be with her, and just so you will be able to stop yourself from reaching out to her for even the smallest physical touch.

* When you realize you are so emasculated you cannot even maintain eye contact with a member of the "more attractive sex", even in the most non-sexual/sterile sort of situations.

* When you fear that a stranger has detected the loneliness in your eyes, or think that you have detected it in hers, and that lonely people walk the earth undetected by the nons.

* When you happen to be watching a movie with your spouse, and intimacy and desire come into the story, and you feel like getting up and leaving the room.

* When you find yourself unable to remember when the last time you had sex was.

* When you cannot remember if you EVER had much of a "normal" sex life with your partner.

* When you catch yourself remembering again that there are healthy, mutually satisfying relationships out there, and that people have sex regularly. You realize there was a time earlier in your life where you finally realized, "Yeah, people really do get to act on their desires, it's normal and good." You realize you, in your late 40s and having co-created two children, literally have lost track of some basic truths about human experience and behavior...that what should be naturally part of your self-concept are only pulled back into it by conscious effort.

* When your partner finds a reason to tell you she never ever has connected sexually with you, but, she did connect sexually with former lovers.

* When you realize it is not a lack of sex that hurts you, nor is it mere indifference to your needs. Rather, what hurts like hell is the rejection of you as a person, and that you've been willing to receive that rejection over and over and over for so many years, there is only a small bit of who you were left.

* When you realize you have to end your marriage, to save your soul.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> What would he say if you handed him his cup of tea with ONLY your high heels on?....and a feisty smile? :smthumbup:


Probably the same thing he said last time he came home and I tried to get something going...I knew you were going to want this...I'm really tired! So, I don't think I'll be going there again. Great idea though!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Wow, PieceofSky, she told you she connected with former lovers but not you? She has a nerve. That is cruel. 

Sex is only one part of a healthy relationship, but it is a essential part. Otherwise you are just friends and roommates, and who needs to live like that.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Wow PieceofSky....that left a lump in my throat...I think because I have felt some of those very same feelings. It's sad to think that we try so hard for normalcy that abnormal starts to seem normal. I hope you find peace.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Wow, PieceofSky, she told you she connected with former lovers but not you? She has a nerve. That is cruel.
> 
> Sex is only one part of a healthy relationship, but it is a essential part. Otherwise you are just friends and roommates, and who needs to live like that.



It hurt. Part of me feels I brought it on myself and deserved it. Part of me see that is a destructive thought pattern that has gotten me to here. In any case, I feel obliged to provide more context.

We had returned from a few days with the kids at a family cottage. It had been a nice trip. Somehow, and quite unusually, she suggested to me that maybe we should go out for a walk by ourselves and do something sexual under the stars. (Great! Things are suddenly starting to sound better!) But, somehow in my insecurity, I ended up asking her if she had ever done something like that before. (It's embarrassing to even admit that I said that, or at least said that out of insecurity -- or maybe resentment. When I start letting me think of "the sexually adventurous" woman she might have been before our relationship, and what she has withheld from me for a decade and a half, I start feeling sorry for myself.) I did not believe her when she said "No, I haven't.", because I had always suspected she had with someone in particular she had lied about to me. So, I said, not even "x"?

So, that triggered her, I suspect. Or, at least put her on the defensive in someway. (Which, I truly believe, is a conflict in herself with her rather normal sexual history; and not a conflict between me and my rather abnormal sexual history (she's been my one and only) and her.

I find myself thinking "If she knew how much that hurt me, she wouldn't be saying things like that." Yet I can probably count a dozen of such things said through the years, and some of them I cannot even imagine how I could have provoked it in some way.


ETA: In answer to your opening question in the quote, IndieCat, yes, she said exactly that. I don't know if I feel better seeing the differences between those most like to have "connected with" her, but I try to keep the differences in mind. One, as "connected" as he likely was, ended their relationship by having an exit affair. The other, she saw as "beneath" her in some ways (not how I think of people, btw), has been jailed for beating his wife, and has had a difficult life arguably brought on by his own irresponsibility and stupidity. (He was the one she had an EA about five years ago.) Part of me thinks: I hope those memories of connections warms your heart when I am gone. I have been nothing but respectful and patient and loving to her, and she has thrown all that away.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Tango said:


> Wow PieceofSky....that left a lump in my throat...I think because I have felt some of those very same feelings. It's sad to think that we try so hard for normalcy that abnormal starts to seem normal. I hope you find peace.


Thank you. That means quite a bit what you just said, and others have said here and elsewhere. I confess it's hitting me pretty hard today, though for the last few months not so much; things have been pretty good inside my mind.

I will find peace. I am, despite what it may seem from my posts above and elsewhere, as immune to cynicism and giving up as they come. It's just taking a mind-shift, where giving up on happiness with her is part of the not-giving-up-on-my-own-happiness plan, and finding courage to take the next step to free myself is what I face rather than trying to figure out one more thing to keep us bound together. 

The mind-shift has been underway over the last year and a half or so, and the kids school year is ending soon. And my wife finishes her masters degree work this week. And my relationship with my daughters is really really strong, I don't feel like they will be destroyed by divorce or lose the benefit I give to their development.

I have given her multiple opportunities to be vulnerable with me and move forward together, but just when it looks like she might join me, she runs away scared. I'm no longer running after her. I no longer reach out to her. It gets easier, more natural, each time.

On a lighter note, if you can call it that, I've told my therapist that if I am still married like this in a year, she has my permission to have me committed


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

PieceofSky, that was a very moving post. I have a lot of those same feelings as well, and it's sad that there are this many of us that feel this way. My wife will make occasional noises that we need to have sex, but she doesn't mean it. She actually equates sex with work. She tells me "You could initiate", and my response is "With someone that thinks sex is work, who is too tired for sex, who is constantly stressed out about life?" So, like you, we're nothing more than roommates. 

Keep your chin up (although that is easier said than done). I take my mind off of it by taking the kids out to play by myself (it's much less stressful when the wife isn't with us). Happy little kids do wonders with your mood.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> What would he say if you handed him his cup of tea with ONLY your high heels on?....and a feisty smile? :smthumbup:


"Ouch that's hot!, could I have a little more cream?"


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

"* When you realize you have to end your marriage, to save your soul."

That's the thing POSky - you have to take that step for that reason. I admit I am being somewhat hypocritical as I am still under the same roof but you must get to that higher ground.

I am just almost 13 months out from DDay - it has taken me the best part of this time to realise I can do it without her and actually do it without her.

I have never felt so strong as I do now, and I will be even stronger. I am emotionally stronger, able to deal head on with the deep rejection and humiliation that felt paramount among so many feelings of hurt.

The pain seeps from your words POSky but you will get to that higher ground. You must.

I tell you, it reminded me of past broken relationships, many years back, when that hurt finally disappeared, when that day came and I woke up and that other person was a thought and not a feeling - perhaps mild regret, but nothing more. 

That's how I am now. I work on me. I'm civil and respectful but I look after me. I'm worth it. I work on correcting my "traits of negativity", developing this person I am, and being the best Dad I can. It's great! I fight to not be hard on myself and remind myself it is OK to screw up occasionally.

Here's to higher ground POSky - you'll get there.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> What would he say if you handed him his cup of tea with ONLY your high heels on?....and a feisty smile? :smthumbup:


 I could never understand being naked except wearing your shoes.

I had some woman pull a stunt like that as a surprise a few years back and as I came into my bedroom, she's standing on my bed buck naked except she's wearing high heels.........................on a waveless, top of the line water bed. Needless to say this went over like a pregnant pole vaulter with me, not to mention that two days later, I found a leak from it. 

Going to be naked? Be naked.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

6301 said:


> I could never understand being naked except wearing your shoes.
> 
> I had some woman pull a stunt like that as a surprise a few years back and as I came into my bedroom, she's standing on my bed buck naked except she's wearing high heels.........................on a waveless, top of the line water bed. Needless to say this went over like a pregnant pole vaulter with me, not to mention that two days later, I found a leak from it.
> 
> Going to be naked? Be naked.


Oh 6301....I disagree!

High heels do wonders for female legs and buttocks. They can make a lady look even more gorgeous than she already is...and they definitely make a statement. ESPECIALLY when she is nude!!!!

Now, I wouldn't advise any woman standing on a water bed with her heels on, but it is very sexy to see my wife still wearing her sexy shoes around the house and in bed during foreplay. It adds some spice to our love making. 

If you get a chance, take a peek at the Legs thread. You will see almost all of the women wearing heels. They do get noticed.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I Notice The Details said:


> Oh 6301....I disagree!
> 
> High heels do wonders for female legs and buttocks. They can make a lady look even more gorgeous than she already is...and they definitely make a statement. ESPECIALLY when she is nude!!!!
> 
> ...


 Well that's all fine and dandy if your both in your prime, but at this time, I was in my late 50's and so was she.

Now I know what I look like naked thanks to full size mirrors and I was a far cry from what I looked like when I was in my 20's and as far as she goes. She needed more than a pair of shoes for her legs and butt. Honestly if there was a time I wished I was blind, this would have been the day.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

6301 said:


> Well that's all fine and dandy if your both in your prime, but at this time, I was in my late 50's and so was she.
> 
> Now I know what I look like naked thanks to full size mirrors and I was a far cry from what I looked like when I was in my 20's and as far as she goes. She needed more than a pair of shoes for her legs and butt. Honestly if there was a time I wished I was blind, this would have been the day.


:rofl: You have a good sense of humor 6301!

I understand your point.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Sigh. This is just sad. 

Nearly every one of the things posted is true with my wife. 

Her 0 drive is killing me.

You know you're in a sexless relationship when you text your wife you're on the way home and can't wait to see her...and when you get home she is sound asleep...in a separate bedroom.


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## IceCrystal (May 26, 2014)

- When she tells you it's too hot in the house.

- When she starts to blame you for every little thing or, on the contrary, when she starts to ignore you as if you are not there anymore, yet she gives full attention to anyone else.

- When you go to her and start kissing her and touching her and in less than 20 seconds she tells you to get off her because she has things to do (but she was staying on the couch for more than two hours).

- When she tells you that she is tickled by your touches.

- When she keeps telling you that is not a good time for sex and asks you why didn't you come to her a few days ago when she wasn't that busy. (though she is busy any time you ask)

- When she doesn't initiate any kind of intimacy in the past 6 months.

- When she keeps delaying sexual intimacy by promises which she rarely keeps (she is so inventive that she will come up with almost any idea only to distract you from her promise until she can finaly say that she is too tired).

- When she finaly allows you to make sex with her and after 5 minutes she says she finished.

- When she tells you that you have too much of a sex drive (maybe even call you sexual obssesed) and that she can't meet your needs (though you ask for sex only once a week and both of you are in your early 30's).

- When she complains she has a low sex drive (yet you know she's watching porn more often than she has sex with you).

- When she tells you she enjoys having sex with you but she only does it once a month ( and you think to yourself: ohh, yes, is understandable, is like when, for a month, a chef comes daily with a dish to me, i claim that i love it, and yet i only take a few bites once or twice a month. What would that chef tell you: stop wasting my time you lying bastard, tell me what you like and stop BS me. Are you a freaking masochist? Am i a masochist?)

If you answered YES to most of these, then you're both masochists. Both of you lack courage.
She, because she can't tell you straight to your face what is her damn problem (because she is afraid of ... zillions of things that might happen) and you for putting up with her BS and for believeing that is something wrong with you (usually they blame you for this situation).
Any still, you try to find her excuses or you try to fix her, you believe now is your problem just because you happened to end up with her.
Very commendable, but unless you are either a psychologist or really good with people behaviour (and since you are in this situation then it means you're neither), then you can't fix her. Hell, maybe she is so broken that not even a pro can fix her. 
Why make it into your problem? 
Is it something wrong with you? 
Sure, you're a masochist and you allow her to play all kind of mind games with you because you're too afraid to step in her face and tell her: enough, this is your problem, either you fix it or is good bye. I don't have any more time for you BS.

So start helping yourself first, gather the courage to tell her that's enough, then see if she can be helped ... help her, if not ... now you know what you have to do, since you are no longer a masochist.

After all, what do we all want? A healthy relationship based on trust, passion, communication and sharing. If your partner doesn't meet any of these main ingredients and you keep staying in a disfunctional relation hoping that they need more time to fix themselves, then for sure you need help. Because the more time you give them, the more pain both of you get.

I used "SHE" (cause i've been there), but the same is valid for "HE".


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## MrDifficult (May 22, 2014)

Now I'm considering telling her I'm no longer interested in having sex with her. Especially after reading these accounts. We have not been intimate in 15 or really closer to 20 years. After realizing just how much disrespect is being directed at me from her, I might as well tell her that I no longer care either. 
Does that seem like a viable solution? Of course I do understand she will probably be elated at that suggestion, probably? Yes!
Appreciate any input.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

MrDifficult said:


> Now I'm considering telling her I'm no longer interested in having sex with her. Especially after reading these accounts. We have not been intimate in 15 or really closer to 20 years. After realizing just how much disrespect is being directed at me from her, I might as well tell her that I no longer care either.
> Does that seem like a viable solution? Of course I do understand she will probably be elated at that suggestion, probably? Yes!
> Appreciate any input.


In your last post you said you wanted to reconnect and have sex with her. Have you been trying to rekindle with her and she has rejected you? I'm not sure how telling her you don't want to have sex with her is going to help the situation. Women usually respond to affection so I suggest giving her a lot of affection to start things off. That's a good first start.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if you have not been "intimate" in 20 years, rekindling that is going to take more than a couple days!

I would first sit her down and find out if she still loves you. If she does, then there is some hope. If all she wants is a room mate, or a paycheck from you every week, then that is your answer too.

_Assuming_ she still loves you...then you have to convince her that the total lack of sex is disrespectful, and telling you she does NOT love you. Maybe start with some simple stuff, like just a lot of kissing, Then some heavy petting. See how it goes. 

DO NOT be surprised if it takes a couple of months to get things moving again. Jeez, after 20 years.....you might need a real jump start. 

IF she does NOT love you anymore, and is unwilling to work at the marriage, and you are just the room mate--then ask her for a hall pass to find a real GF. If she objects, then divorce her.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

PieceOfSky said:


> * When you realize you have to end your marriage, to save your soul.


Yup. That's the one.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

murphy5 said:


> if you have not been "intimate" in 20 years, rekindling that is going to take more than a couple days!
> 
> I would first sit her down and find out if she still loves you. If she does, then there is some hope. If all she wants is a room mate, or a paycheck from you every week, then that is your answer too.
> 
> ...


If you dont have sex with your spouse for 20 years there's no possible way you can love them.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

He said "intimacy" not sex. You can have sex and not be intimate, trust me, I was the King of sex but no intimacy.

My xw would sleep on the couch, when I simply could not take it any longer, I would wake her up, take her by the hand up to the bed room, do the deed, then she would get up and go back to the couch. This went on for about two years. This was before I knew about TAM. This represents one of my biggest embarrassments! 

I sit here 2 years 11 months after DD, not believing how stupid I was in not realizing how much disrespect was going on, how much she HATED having sex with me. I sit here wishing I had more respect for myself back then instead of grovling for her table scraps. I sit here so thankful for finally finding out what was really going on. If I had never found TAM I never would of read what it means when they tell you ILYBIANILWU (sorry if not correct acronym) I never would of checked her phone. No, intimacy is far more than sex. And people wonder if no sex is a good enough reason to divorce! HA! It's not the sex....it's the intimacy. Lack of which will burn a hole in your soul, I don't think I will ever be fully healed, but I sure feel a ton better. 

Sorry for thread jack....


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

arbitrator said:


> *Well, for starters:
> 
> *Wife going to bed, then rolling over toward the opposite side of the bed facing the wall.
> 
> ...


The above applies to me and also:


- Wife refuses to take off her PJ top, even with a bra on.
- Wife acts like a 5 year old girl the 'once a month' we do have sex
- Wife would rather watch TV then have her husband do something special for her, ie, oral. 
- absolutely refuses to do a position other than missionary and has even said "why would I want to touch it" referring to my penis.
- kisses like a 5-year old girl, pecks and closed mouth. 
- has stated publicly to friends that I will never see her in a two-piece because she is not comfortable with her body (which is BS, she is fine. An average weight for her height and looks great)
- always has some issue prior going to bed (too tired/cold to shower, headache, sore muscle, tired, sleepy, dragging herself to bed due to sleepiness, may even apologize out of the blue for being tired)
- when asked if she ever thinks about us and sex at work or during the day etc, she responds with No like there is something wrong if she did think that.


I really think my wife has no real inner woman in her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hurra said:


> The above applies to me and also:
> 
> 
> - Wife refuses to take off her PJ top, even with a bra on.
> ...


What an opportunity life has given you, Hurra! You have the task of rebuilding your wife's self image and giving her confidence.

What do you think is the first step you could take?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Some real good comments and some potentially off. 

1. Right These are marriages with serious problems and constant rejection of the husband does involve disrespect. 

2. Wrong The suggestion is that confronting and nagging her about sex is likely to solve problems. Probably not. 

3. Underlying issues and problems There is little discussion about trying to address the underlying problems. Maybe she feels she isn't complimented, doesn't like the house, feels she doesn't have enough friends, is depressed. Basically a lot of things need to go right for a married woman to have sex. (Not the same with a single girl and some depressed ones will have one night stands or dissatisfying relationship to address their pain. Not a whole lot of married women having constant sex to mask their pain). 

4. Physical issues The new commercials reveal some middle-aged woman may not experience some element of pain or discomfort. 

5. Body Image Many women have negative body images which increases after having children. The ideal woman has gotten thinner and thinner over the last several decades while the average weight has significantly increased creating a self-image gap. Many women after children don't feel comfortable in a bikini and watch how women will scrutinize and criticize others, that is not flattering for her. I wouldn't translate that into a lack of desire. 

6. Context Women are highly influenced by the environment. Consider a romantic weekend or cruise addressing the sex last, but trying to reinvigorate the relationship later. And if there is to be a fight, maybe that's not a bad place to have him when she wants to relax and enjoy herself and has an incentive to resolve problems. 

7. Ignoring her makes sense Why reward that behavior. You want to have a discussion about sex not in the context of nagging her but with regard to your whole relationship. She wants you to go to her work party and you mention you're just not up to it. Asking you want you can't do a simple thing for her, you then bring this up. 

8. Physical status You want to get better clothes, be less approachable. Constantly asking her for sex devalues your importance. Want to get a woman to like a restaurant, tell her she can't get in, and indeed some fine restaurants reject reservation requests to generate interest. The more desirable you seem and approach her the more she will want you. That's true in other contexts. Want a loan, have an advisor tell the bank you are considering several options, want to get rejected, tell them you really need the money.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I can't comprehend people who haven't had sex in many _years_. 6 months would be my outside limit (baring physical issues). Any more than that and I would be totally done.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Think lobster in cooking pot. It's something that happens slowly over some period of time...


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

jld said:


> What an opportunity life has given you, Hurra! You have the task of rebuilding your wife's self image and giving her confidence.
> 
> What do you think is the first step you could take?


I have complimented her on her looks many times, and not over the top compliments. Unfortunately, she has been this way since junior high which I only learned in recent years. She was getting over it during dating but reverted to her old ways after marriage. I honestly don't know what do to. She has said there is no way her top is coming off, or will she put on a bathing suit, or will she sleep in the nude. 

What is boils down to is she has zero sex drive.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I would try to get her in a romantic setting. If she has issues with her body, pushing her on that is not going to get her in the mood. 




Hurra said:


> I have complimented her on her looks many times, and not over the top compliments. Unfortunately, she has been this way since junior high which I only learned in recent years. She was getting over it during dating but reverted to her old ways after marriage. I honestly don't know what do to. She has said there is no way her top is coming off, or will she put on a bathing suit, or will she sleep in the nude.
> 
> What is boils down to is she has zero sex drive.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

0. She tells me she at some point made a conscious decision to withhold sex because "everyone just ignores my complaints" (paraphrased).


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Hurra said:


> The above applies to me and also:
> 
> 
> - Wife refuses to take off her PJ top, even with a bra on.
> ...


Hey, you're talking about my wife!  Certainly not all of those things, but the quote about the inner woman sounds eerily familiar. If there's an absolute zero for sex drive, I'm married to it (and it sounds like you are as well).


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

john117 said:


> Think lobster in cooking pot. It's something that happens slowly over some period of time...


I flipped out and did something at the simmer stage. As I said, I can't comprehend it extending into YEARS.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

When you can go 6 months without having sex and yet the topic never comes up once.


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## Sporto (Jun 18, 2012)

When you have not had sex in 6 months and she say we just did it last month. Really with who??


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## IceCrystal (May 26, 2014)

Guys, wake up ... there's no such thing as zero sex drive for a woman. There's only zero sex drive towards you.
There has to be really intense trauma for a woman not to want sex.
And unless she used to be called Johnny before a sex change operation or unless she has a serious physical dysfunction, then there's no such thing as zero sex drive, is all BS.

To put this into test, try to stimulate her clit while she's sleeping and if she gets all wet, then there's nothing wrong with her sex drive.
Or get her a bit (or more) drunk and see if she gets in the mood ... as well if she does, there's nothing wrong with her sex drive.

Now honestly, you are not that stupid not to realize when your woman is just plainly finding excuses not to have sex with you. You can do anything from being nice to her and helping her for an extended period of time with all her requests, taking her to nice trips, buying her things ... up to nagging, threatening with divorce or break up, leaving for a while all alone, even going to a counselor together ... you name it. If none of these will work (and usually nothing works) and she still cuts you from intimacy, then there's really nothing you can do about it and should consider your options.

As Bobby5000 said, start to seriously cut her off from things she enjoys and requires your involvement, such as going with her to a party, going with her on a trip, buying her things ... you'll find plenty of things. And start to bring in all her BS she threw in your face when rejected you from sex (but on a very calm tone and to sound like it was something you really wanted to do for her, but there's something that prevents you from doing it).
Such as: "i`m sorry dear, but i`m not in a good mood today, though i would really love to come with you",
"I have a head ache now, but as soon as i get better i'll be glad to", 
"I wish to go with you on a nice relaxing trip but i really have lot of work to do due to a deadline".

And sooner or later she will start to question you about these excuses. Don't tell her yet, let her boil for a while and when she explodes asking you what the hell is going on, tell her on a very relaxed tone that you no longer feel a connection with her any more and you can not do the things you used to do for her, which she used to take for granted.
At this point you will have the upper hand and either she will understand and change her attitude towards you, or she will start to complain and nag or break up with you.

Just realize that you are being used by her and she has no interest in being intimate with you as long as she gets what she wants for free. As soon as she can no longer use you, then you're free to make your own calls, to raise your own stakes. But at this point i`m afraid you'll no longer want such a woman besides you. Such women play you for a foul, they stay with you only because you are fulfilling some of their needs, but they are not totally involved. 

Don't hate them, is not really their fault since is not something they do on a conscious level (it may seem so, but they are just compelled to act like that by previous emotional events), but you don't have to stay with them either. 
You're staying with them as well due to an emotional programming, which deludes yourself that they may change in the future and everything will be ok. 
But is been so long and you tried everything and deep down you know nothing will change between the two of you.
So why keep deluding yourself?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> I flipped out and did something at the simmer stage. As I said, I can't comprehend it extending into YEARS.



It often takes years to simmer actually...humans are just not very good with numbers.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Signs you are in a sexless marriage:

Having no sex for over 8 months.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

IceCrystal said:


> Guys, wake up ... there's no such thing as zero sex drive for a woman. There's only zero sex drive towards you.
> There has to be really intense trauma for a woman not to want sex.
> And unless she used to be called Johnny before a sex change operation or unless she has a serious physical dysfunction, then there's no such thing as zero sex drive, is all BS.


No. Lots of women get hormonal issues and have a diminished or non-existent sex drive.

Just like lots of men do.


> To put this into test, try to stimulate her clit while she's sleeping and if she gets all wet, then there's nothing wrong with her sex drive.


No!

... Just... No. Don't betray her trust in sharing a bed with you by you groping her in the middle of the night!


> Or get her a bit (or more) drunk and see if she gets in the mood ... as well if she does, there's nothing wrong with her sex drive.


Now if she'll only have sex with you while she's drunk, that IS a good indication that she's just not that into you, or you're a **** to her, or some such thing.


> Now honestly, you are not that stupid not to realize when your woman is just plainly finding excuses not to have sex with you. You can do anything from being nice to her and helping her for an extended period of time with all her requests, taking her to nice trips, buying her things ... up to nagging, threatening with divorce or break up, leaving for a while all alone, even going to a counselor together ... you name it. If none of these will work (and usually nothing works) and she still cuts you from intimacy, then there's really nothing you can do about it and should consider your options.


No, there's a HUGE thing you can do.

Become the best guy you can be. Get in shape. Dress well. Be confident, positive, and outgoing. Don't sit around on the couch. Get your crap done around the house and to support the family. Do manly things.


> As Bobby5000 said, start to seriously cut her off from things she enjoys and requires your involvement, such as going with her to a party, going with her on a trip, buying her things ... you'll find plenty of things. And start to bring in all her BS she threw in your face when rejected you from sex (but on a very calm tone and to sound like it was something you really wanted to do for her, but there's something that prevents you from doing it).
> Such as: "i`m sorry dear, but i`m not in a good mood today, though i would really love to come with you",
> "I have a head ache now, but as soon as i get better i'll be glad to",
> "I wish to go with you on a nice relaxing trip but i really have lot of work to do due to a deadline".


That's BS.

Not rewarding bad behaviour is different than just pissing her off more.

Don't give her gifts or be super nice to her right after she shuts you down -- this is just showing her that her shutting you down yields nice things for her.

BUT don't give her even more reason to not be attracted to you. Like being a **** to her.


> And sooner or later she will start to question you about these excuses. Don't tell her yet, let her boil for a while and when she explodes asking you what the hell is going on, tell her on a very relaxed tone that you no longer feel a connection with her any more and you can not do the things you used to do for her, which she used to take for granted.
> At this point you will have the upper hand and either she will understand and change her attitude towards you, or she will start to complain and nag or break up with you.


Or she'll withdraw what little affection she gives you, or leaves you, or screws the neighbour.

Not good outcomes.


> Just realize that you are being used by her and she has no interest in being intimate with you as long as she gets what she wants for free. As soon as she can no longer use you, then you're free to make your own calls, to raise your own stakes. But at this point i`m afraid you'll no longer want such a woman besides you. Such women play you for a foul, they stay with you only because you are fulfilling some of their needs, but they are not totally involved.


If you sit your wife down (after sorting out attraction issues) and then say "wife, I'm living up to my end of the marriage contract but you're not" THEN you can have a real conversation.

But if you're a smelly guy with a big gut and haven't brushed your teeth recently...

Well, then, the problem is YOU.


> Don't hate them, is not really their fault since is not something they do on a conscious level (it may seem so, but they are just compelled to act like that by previous emotional events), but you don't have to stay with them either.
> You're staying with them as well due to an emotional programming, which deludes yourself that they may change in the future and everything will be ok.
> But is been so long and you tried everything and deep down you know nothing will change between the two of you.
> So why keep deluding yourself?


Attraction may or may not be a conscious thing, particularly for women that rationalize and compartmentalize well.

A women who's healthy and without hormonal or abuse issues will usually respond positively to an attractive guy she loves.

Take any one of those things away and you have a problem.

Attraction is the easiest thing to fix, and it usually comes down to the person that's not getting laid to do the fixing.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

She gets pissed at you, because you are pissed that she hasn't wanted it for days.

Ends up ruining a whole weekend because she couldn't spare 20 mins to spend some time with you.

fun times.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Once again I can't believe that women are in sexless marriages. My wife and I went tru sum bs and the sex never stopped. What man refuses sex from wife? Maybe if she cheated on me or reallllllly pissed off, but for months? Even before going and hanging out, I would break her off before and after I returned home.

Amazing.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

Worst sign - she sleeps nude and stays on her side... (I had a friend tell me this thank god)


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

homedepot said:


> Once again I can't believe that women are in sexless marriages. My wife and I went tru sum bs and the sex never stopped. *What man refuses sex from wife? * Maybe if she cheated on me or reallllllly pissed off, but for months? Even before going and hanging out, I would break her off before and after I returned home.
> 
> Amazing.


:iagree: Shocked me, too, but plenty of women say it is true. Who knew?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mine isn't sexless. I was just missing his initiation signals lol figures
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

When your wife is going out of town for the weekend, and mentions that we should "meet in the middle" before she leaves (haven't had sex in over a year). Me - ok, let's do it tonight. Her (after thinking about it) - can we push it back to tomorrow night? I need to drink first, etc. 

Tomorrow night comes. Her - I'm really tired, we can do it in the morning. 

Morning comes. Her - The kids will be up soon, and I need to get ready to leave. 

Me - laughing inside because it's all so predictable.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

IceCrystal: Interesting way


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

If your testicles swell up so much that your junk looks like a yellow squash.... you might be in a sexless marriage!

If you look at the tampon box and think "you lucky ba$tards!".... you might be in a sexless marriage.

Wait this IS what we're doing right?


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## YummyGirl (Jul 23, 2014)

homedepot said:


> Once again I can't believe that women are in sexless marriages. My wife and I went tru sum bs and the sex never stopped. What man refuses sex from wife? Maybe if she cheated on me or reallllllly pissed off, but for months? Even before going and hanging out, I would break her off before and after I returned home.
> 
> Amazing.


A man with physical issues whose self-esteem has been crushed because he can no longer satisfy his wife. 
~YG


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

homedepot said:


> Once again I can't believe that women are in sexless marriages. My wife and I went tru sum bs and the sex never stopped. *What man refuses sex from wife? * Maybe if she cheated on me or reallllllly pissed off, but for months? Even before going and hanging out, I would break her off before and after I returned home.
> 
> Amazing.


a man who is wanting to punish and control. 

Also a man who has already been conditioned to have to go without sex for long periods due to other factors. Work etc



I Don't Know said:


> If you look at the tampon box and think "you lucky ba$tards!".... you might be in a sexless marriage.


oh my word, that was an awesome visual, thank you :rofl: Just imagining someone being so vindictive towards a tampon box... so great. But yet, understandably sad. At least they get it once a month!


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

YummyGirl said:


> A man with physical issues whose self-esteem has been crushed because he can no longer satisfy his wife.
> ~YG



I was referring to the plumbing being in order. I do apologize if I offended any one.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

NotTooSure said:


> Rejects because you never want to when they do (because they never do, this one is total BS)


I like this one.

This was my favorite.

I pick the wrong time - daytime or nighttime and it's the wrong time.


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## confused801 (Aug 8, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> I'd pay large sums of money. I'd offer up my first born. I'd be willing to switch to Vegan. All of the above if my wife did 1/10 of the items listed here.



Agree agreea agree! I'm on here becasue my wife does not want to have sex with me anymore either. Would kill for my wife to be like this!!!


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## Cesar (Aug 11, 2014)

Always the same thing for me.

1) makes sure to never go to bed same time as me. I go early, she goes late, or I go late and she goes early, falls asleep on couch.
2)ailments-head hurts, tummy hurts, too tired, too drunk, wide awake, she feels fat, she feels bloated, doesn't feel clean, just used washroom, body hurts, coughs, colds
3)wears as much clothes as possible, comes to bed and makes sure to face the opposite way, gets mad because I didn't do something I was supposed to do, gets mad that I did something I wasn't supposed to do.
4)love and affection don't work as she doesn't want any of that, Massage doesn't work as she knows I will attempt something.
5)suggesting going to adult store doesn't work as she thinks perverts just go there.
6)I initiate and she rejects me, I try aggressively she gets mad, I hint and she gets angry and says "the more you try the more turned off I get. She tells me to let it happen naturally, I wait a week, 2 and then 3 and realize naturally means when hell freezes over.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Then simply stop trying and plan what the rest of your life looks like with or without her. It does not have to be now or next month. 

If she checks out do your best to check out as well. Not the aloof pop psychology attitude but simply stop interaction unless for critical house or family issues. After a while if this becomes the new norm you have your answer.


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## IceCrystal (May 26, 2014)

Cesar said:


> Always the same thing for me.
> 1) makes sure to never go to bed same time as me. I go early, she goes late, or I go late and she goes early, falls asleep on couch.
> 2)ailments-head hurts, tummy hurts, too tired, too drunk, wide awake, she feels fat, she feels bloated, doesn't feel clean, just used washroom, body hurts, coughs, colds
> 3)wears as much clothes as possible, comes to bed and makes sure to face the opposite way, gets mad because I didn't do something I was supposed to do, gets mad that I did something I wasn't supposed to do.
> ...


hahahaha Cesar, it sounds like we're sharing the same wife )))
Same happened to me, except point 3, she didn't wear that many clothes.
1. if i was to go to bed late, she was sleeping earlier because she had to wake up earlier in the morning; if i went earlier (but not later than she usually goes to sleep) and asked her to join, she "needed to watch tv in order to fall asleep"
2. she doesn't feel that good, too tired, she doesn't feel clean, too hot in the house, she's not in the mood, she feels grumpy etc. ... except when she was drunk she was in the mood. The drunker she was, the more she wanted to have sex with me.
3. she didnt want any love and affection, and whenever i was trying to kiss or hug her, it didnt last more than 10 seconds, she had something else more urgent to do
5. suggesting that, she said she will get toys only if used on me ... that she doesn't need any toys
6. EXACTLY the same thing
and to add a few more things
7. whenever i asked her ... it is not the right moment, and then she asked me: "why didnt you come yesterday when i was more available?"
I reminded her that i asked her yesterday as well and after a short pause, she says that only that was a bad moment, but the rest of the day she was available.
Asked her why doesnt she comes to me when it is a good moment for her ... she said that the guy should initiate sex.
8. Served me many times the excuse: "I have a low sex drive due to stress ... and after all what the big deal about sex? sex is not that important to me. You have too much of sexual desire and i can't have sex with you as much as you want"
Then i realized she's been watching porn more than twice a week and when confrunted her "how about the low sex drive? " , guess what was the answer: "it's more convenient for me because it's quicker"

And of course, when i ask her about our sex life, she says everything is great, that she loves to have sex with me.
Then asked her why so rarely? She tells me: i don't want you to get bored of me ... Yea right.

Cesar my friend, welcome to the club.

I put too much energy into this nonsense, way too much when it could've been much easier to straight things up and take a decision regardless of her promises.
I knew she was emotionally into another guy and yet she didn't want to end the marriage (though we didnt have children), from reasons which i could only suspect though she never told me.
She always denied that she has a crush on that guy, but it was way too obvious from the way she was acting. As well i had hard evidence she've been talking to him for more than 6 months.
It wasn't the fact that maybe she was cheating (hard to believe she didnt but i don't have real evidence that she cheated), that was less important for me, it was the fact that she didn't care at all about me and yet she was desperately hanging on to the relationship.
All i wanted was some peace in my life, with or without her.
All she wanted was to go her way and make my life a living hell.

Bottom line, she always put the blame on me, always i was the guilty one.
Yet, every time i told her i want to divorce, she came and promised that things will go better between us.
When i asked her about those things that she promised to be better, she told me that i was the paranoid one, she was the loving figure but i just couldn't see how many things she does for me, and that i destroy the relation and her happiness.
She even suggested that i should go to counselling, because it's only my problem.

After a while, tired of all this BS, i went alone to counselling. I explained to the therapist the situation and he told me that she should join as well to hear both stories. 
At first she resented, then eventually went alone a couple of times, then we went together.
At the end of the sessions, she even made a bunch of new promises which, of course she didn't keep. The therapist also told me that she is in denial and since she won't express her true feelings and desires, there's no solid base to build a relation.
Also she was supposed to cotinue alone with the therapy, but she didnt, saying that she doesn't want to continue with that therapist because is not good for her. 
She knows better, she always does.

As you can see, i tried everything in my power to save the relation. She tried her best as well to destroy it, yet not wanting to let go.
So, unless you're blind or mentally ill, you can clearly see when in a relationship there's no love and affection and only excuses and empty promises.

I read a lot about : "In a relationship, you need to communicate better to eachoter. You need to understand your partner. Maybe they have problems, therefor is your task as a partner to help them."
Yes, communication is important, don't just expect that your partner should know what you're thinking. Tell them what you want, show them.
But when you clearly communicate your thoughts and desires and you only get promises with no facts to back them up, then ahh, i get it... your partner has a problem and you must support them.
So you ask your partner how does she feel in general. Does she have any problems? How does she feels about you? 
And let's say they might be angry at first and not tell you. 
You give them space, you try to make them comfortable, do nice things for them for an extended period of time, despite the fact that they pay no attention to your efforts, but hey, you're the one who want the relationship to work, no?
Then, once all the best conditions were set in place, you ask again, and you get the same answer: "things are just great, we have no problem".
Then you ask about sex, and they go like: "oohh, i`m recovering now, what do you expect to jump in your arms like that after all you put me trough? i need more time"
And despite the fact that things are so great you still end up counseling, not because you need it, just cause is a modern thing to do.
You need a moderator to watch you sharing the same conversations you have at home and then to give you advice because he / she knows better (they have a diploma, they're smart, you don't have therefore you're dumb).
You're willing to change, you always was. Your partner as well is willing to change (but only verbally), they always wanted that (but not with you).
In fact your partner never was willing to change, if she really wanted that, would've already done it. With your help or with the help from others. Or maybe they need 20 years to recover from the psycho drama that you unleashed onto their fragile emotional system.

And you end up asking yourself: "how can you help someone who doesn't want to be helped?"
Then you see an old lady who stands near a crossing. Since you're a gentleman, you ask her: Old lady, can i help you cross the street? 
She replies: i don't want to cross the street, mind your own business.
Yet you know that leaving her there is dangerous for her, so you drag her along the other side of the street, despite all her protests. 
And at the end of the day, with a big smile on your face, you go to get a peaceful sleep knowing that you did a good thing today by helping an old lady to cross the street.
You fell asleep and dream of a perfect relationship, with a loving and caring partner. You have a big smile on your face, but then the alarm rings in the morning, you wake up with the same partner who looks at you as if you're the cause for all their miseries, then you shower, dress and go to work. Another day has passed.

You can't just break from this nightmare because you will be the bad guy if you dump her and you want people to know how good, funny and clever boy you are.

Eventually, in a good scenario, she dumps you, cause you're a no good pig, you never understood her needs, you were always a selfish unsatisfied bastard and made her life a hell.

In an acceptable scenario, you die from a heart attack or a stroke or even better, in a car crush, so that she won't sell it or use it. This way you're revenged, she will have to support the burial.

And in the worst scenario, you're digging deeper and deeper towards the hell pit in a long fulfilling marriage (but no sex ... sex is dirty and sinful; you want to die as a sinner? are you nuts?). And she dies before you, so that you can have plenty of time on your own to see how good life is without your loving partner, but on the other hand to regret that you wasted all your good years in such a marriage.

Ahh, forgot the best scenario: since you'll be the pig anyway, dump her. You might feel bad at first, but is a necessary sacrifice for a greater good.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

homedepot said:


> Once again I can't believe that women are in sexless marriages. My wife and I went tru sum bs and the sex never stopped. What man refuses sex from wife? Maybe if she cheated on me or reallllllly pissed off, but for months? Even before going and hanging out, I would break her off before and after I returned home.
> 
> Amazing.


at a recent bach party, one of the guys I was talking to was joking about something with his wife and how often they have sex (4-6 times per week i guess). I told him I got it about once a month in a ha ha manner. He was like "no but really?" i said yes.. he looked SHOCKED..literally like he had just seen a ghost. he couldnt believe it. I laughed like it was no big deal, as I didnt wan to dig into it further. 

I was on the flip side. I can't phathom a wife wanting sex more than 2 times per month. unicorns. easter bunny. tooth fairy. 

Water under the bridge now, as I've stopped initiating, thus reducing my rejection rate from 92.53% to 0.0%.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> at a recent bach party, one of the guys I was talking to was joking about something with his wife and how often they have sex (4-6 times per week i guess). I told him I got it about once a month in a ha ha manner. He was like "no but really?" i said yes.. he looked SHOCKED..literally like he had just seen a ghost. he couldnt believe it. I laughed like it was no big deal, as I didnt wan to dig into it further.
> 
> I was on the flip side. I can't phathom a wife wanting sex more than 2 times per month. unicorns. easter bunny. tooth fairy.




It is hard to remember, but they exist. I like to think they are the majority of women that pass by when I am out and about. I wonder about it sometimes (not in a perveted way), whether the people walking by feel connected and fulfilled in their relationships, or if most are generally "alone", either contentedly or hurting.

Of course, (I know you know and appreciate) we have several TAM ladies who have faced or are facing similar situations to ours... And at least a few coming from the other side and working hard to close the gap. (Worthy of admiration!)

What scares the hell out of me is not that I don't think these loving and sexually and otherwise compatible partners exist. I know they do. What scares me is I find myself believing and acting as if none can ever exist FOR ME.

That's giving up. A big ol' pity party for yours truly. Something it takes effort for me to fight. Some days there is more fight in me than others.



> Water under the bridge now, as I've stopped initiating, thus reducing my rejection rate from 92.53% to 0.0%.





It was a relief to do that myself. Yet, it is disorienting to realize I don't want it with her either, not on these terms, not any more.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> It is hard to remember, but they exist. I like to think they are the majority of women that pass by when I am out and about. I wonder about it sometimes (not in a perveted way), whether the people walking by feel connected and fulfilled in their relationships, or if most are generally "alone", either contentedly or hurting.
> 
> Of course, (I know you know and appreciate) we have several TAM ladies who have faced or are facing similar situations to ours... And at least a few coming from the other side and working hard to close the gap. (Worthy of admiration!)
> 
> ...


Its strange to lose desire to initiate with your partner, but once it happens you no longer lay in bed wondering if she'll say yes tonight etc.. very liberating.

My stress level is way down. 

Its funny you mention what scares you. I think the same thing. There is 100% no way that i will ever or could ever belief that my wife of a future signif other would desire sex with me the same way i desire sex with a signif other. Absolutely not possible. 

But I'm also not seeking to find that either. I'm on a strange mission to understand myself and be a better dad for my daughter. Except for my daughter's feelings, I could give 2 sh*ts whether or not my wife joins me.


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> It is hard to remember, but they exist. I like to think they are the majority of women that pass by when I am out and about. I wonder about it sometimes (not in a perveted way), whether the people walking by feel connected and fulfilled in their relationships, or if most are generally "alone", either contentedly or hurting.
> 
> Of course, (I know you know and appreciate) we have several TAM ladies who have faced or are facing similar situations to ours... And at least a few coming from the other side and working hard to close the gap. (Worthy of admiration!)
> 
> ...


I am just skim reading and haven't read the whole thread but your post PieceofSky really saddened me. I don't know your story but I know with absolute certainty that there are women who would have a fulfilling pleasurable sex life with you, there are sexually compatible partners for everyone. Sadly your wife is not one of them and understandably you don't leave for the sake of your children. Your decision not to initiate to protect yourself from the pain of rejection is a very sensible self preservation strategy.

Don't ever give up hope PieceofSky, there might not be much hope with your wife but there is plenty of hope with other people, if and when you decide you want a life enriched by love and intimacy.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

That is very kind of you to say, RedRose. Thank you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> If your testicles swell up so much that your junk looks like a yellow squash.... you might be in a sexless marriage!
> 
> If you look at the tampon box and think "you lucky ba$tards!".... you might be in a sexless marriage.
> 
> Wait this IS what we're doing right?


*Sure you didn't steal those from Jeff Foxworthy? Those are absolutely priceless!*


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm starting to discover that when you're in a sexless marriage your lifelong held views on the "wrongness" of affairs start to get challenged and that you start fancying other men. I've recently started to look seriously at other men and wonder what they'd be like as lovers. This is cheating in my mind, even if I'm not cheating with my body. However, the lack of sex in my marriage is getting to the stage where it's unbearable.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> I like to think they are the majority of women that pass by when I am out and about. I wonder about it sometimes (not in a perveted way), whether the people walking by feel connected and fulfilled in their relationships, or if most are generally "alone", either contentedly or hurting.


Whoa. I do that too. When I see a couple I always, "I wonder if they have a great sex life.... I wonder if one of them is unsatisfied.... I wonder if one feels rejected."

I thought I was the only person who did this.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Sure you didn't steal those from Jeff Foxworthy? Those are absolutely priceless!*


Inspired by Jeff Foxworthy for sure. :smthumbup:

The first actually happened, although it was after only a few days of no sex and was a freak occurrence. Ouch!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

doobie said:


> I'm starting to discover that when you're in a sexless marriage your lifelong held views on the "wrongness" of affairs start to get challenged and that you start fancying other men. I've recently started to look seriously at other men and wonder what they'd be like as lovers. This is cheating in my mind, even if I'm not cheating with my body. However, the lack of sex in my marriage is getting to the stage where it's unbearable.


doobie,
I remember being at that stage, a long time ago. I guess I got past it. Like you I felt I was cheating in my mind. When I confessed I called it an emotional affair even though it was one sided. The object of my attention has never acknowledged that she knew. 
It is a bit difficult for me to admit that here. I like to present myself as being for long term success, but at that point I came very close to leaving. For those keeping score. Every contact with this person is reported to this day.
MN


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

BostonBruins32 said:


> at a recent bach party, one of the guys I was talking to was joking about something with his wife and how often they have sex (4-6 times per week i guess). I told him I got it about once a month in a ha ha manner. He was like "no but really?" i said yes.. he looked SHOCKED..literally like he had just seen a ghost. he couldnt believe it. I laughed like it was no big deal, as I didnt wan to dig into it further.
> 
> I was on the flip side. I can't phathom a wife wanting sex more than 2 times per month. unicorns. easter bunny. tooth fairy.
> 
> Water under the bridge now, as I've stopped initiating, thus reducing my rejection rate from 92.53% to 0.0%.


Reducing the rejection rate is always a great thing, UNLESS....

So one guy on here pointed out a concept of that she's going to reject him 9 times out of 10. So if he only asked for it 10 times in a month he would get it one time.

However he found if he simply tripled or quadrupled the rate of initiation, he would get rejected 36 times in a month but get it 4 times a month.

So you may be able to raise your sex rate by taking on more rejection.

On the flip side, for the guy doing it 4-6 times a week. A lot of "healthy" couples do it a lot, I bet 90% of those times weren't long drawn out sessions either. They just liked having sex with each other.

Well anyway back when I was on those side of the tracks, I thought the sexless were strange. I don't know if I usually blamed the wife for being frigid. But the men did have this extra stress in their body, and looked a bit more red and under stress than people like me who got it more. You could just SEE they were "affected".


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## helpthisguy86 (Jan 14, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> * When you can't concentrate and begin your day at work, until you post the thoughts you are flooded with when seeing this thread.
> 
> * When you worry what you post in response here is going to be more negative and dark than what the OP was looking for.
> 
> ...


Damn, that covers everything. I felt ever single one of those when I was going through my issues.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

That's not how it works in real life. Rejection N is not an independent observation from N-1 or N+1  hint... Markov is your friend...

asking for sex every day to increase the odds is like applying to multiple Ivy League schools to get into one because admission rates are low. That does not happen very often. 

The guy who asked once a day may have succeeded short term but long term is quite counterproductive 

Any thoughts?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> That's not how it works in real life. Rejection N is not an independent observation from N-1 or N+1  hint... Markov is your friend...
> 
> asking for sex every day to increase the odds is like applying to multiple Ivy League schools to get into one because admission rates are low. That does not happen very often.
> 
> ...


What if they just run out of easy random excuses? Then they realize they are full of crap and just give in. The excuse counter resets after a session.

I think if this is the position you are in it, is worth raising the request rate, and don't "ask", just try to get it. I think the verbal rejection sticks in your head longer.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

They use the same excuses or no excuses at all. Some excuses transcend time


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> They use the same excuses or no excuses at all. Some excuses transcend time


It might be true. However some of them are on the reject them 9 times and will give on the 10th. So you won't know unless you raise the request rate up.

Others just know they wont' do it and you won't talk them into it, this was already decided. Oh and they don't HAVE to do it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

While the "rejection rate" and "excuse counter" are interesting concepts, I just don't see them in my situation. Instead I have an interplay between her _acceptable frequency_ and my _rejection tolerance_. So the rejection rate = rejection tolerance divided by acceptable frequency. Or to put it bluntly Sex happens when she is ready for it. So instead of trying to run up the excuse counter my goal is to raise the acceptable frequency. In fact for many more requests tend to lower the acceptable frequency. Or to put it bluntly She does not see the BS of her excuses but the increased requests reinforce her perception of him as sex crazed maniac. 

Actually I think I just I love math and like using math to solve problems. Solving an emotional problem with math is probably not a good idea.
MN


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## IceCrystal (May 26, 2014)

I'd say to take the daily asking for sex to the max. Like asking more than 10 times a day, just like the donkey in shrek 3 : 
"are we there yet?" )
the equivalent: are we having sex today?
You'll probably get a load of screams and your partner will eventually run to escape your nagging. But don't give up. Keep asking, like every 10 minutes or so. 
As well, every time they ask something from you, ask them the same question: "are we having sex today?"
They will either give up and say yes just to make you shut up or they won't stand you anymore and avoid you at all cost. Both cases you win


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I sense another great research paper idea . Too bad sex frequency was not an issue when I was in grad school :rofl:


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

:iagree:


Mr. Nail said:


> While the "rejection rate" and "excuse counter" are interesting concepts, I just don't see them in my situation. Instead I have an interplay between her_acceptable frequency_ and my _rejection tolerance_. So the rejection rate = rejection tolerance divided by acceptable frequency. Or to put it bluntly Sex happens when she is ready for it. So instead of trying to run up the excuse counter my goal is to raise the acceptable frequency. In fact for many more requests tend to lower the acceptable frequency. Or to put it bluntly She does not see the BS of her excuses but the increased requests reinforce her perception of him as sex crazed maniac.
> 
> Actually I think I just I love math and like using math to solve problems. Solving an emotional problem with math is probably not a good idea.
> MN


Emotions can be manipulated or adjusted.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> I sense another great research paper idea . Too bad sex frequency was not an issue when I was in grad school :rofl:


I'm confident most of the situations and variables can be modelled.

The main keys are YOU and the mindset of the other.

Then you have the needs equations.

Then you have leverages.

you have priorities.

You have your social weighting.

You have your dress and physical form.

You have a bunch of things.

Thing is with the sexless is the single game is more "pure" with respect to it, because if a particular friend isn't going to bed with you, you try another, and downgrade the friend who won't be as committed to you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Correct. Unlike the married situation where rejection N + 2 is related to N + 1, N, etc in unmarried situations the rejections are independent clusters of individual events


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

john117 said:


> in unmarried situations the rejections are independent clusters of individual events


You really know how to turn on the ladies, don't you? All that hot talk about independent clusters and individual events....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I forgot to mention that at least one lady did find the stuff hot... The frigid Dr. LD does hold a doctorate in applied mathematics and - sheepish grin - we met in a graduate level statistics class  32 years ago...

It's one of those fate things - two people from very different backgrounds and majors meet at a class that neither really cared for at the time (silly grad school requirement)... Cue in the theme from Love Story or some such


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I can't comprehend people who haven't had sex in many _years_. 6 months would be my outside limit (baring physical issues). Any more than that and I would be totally done.


I can't comprehend how people live like this either. No way I could . sex is a defining characteristic of marriage. No healthy sex life no healthy marriage. Will never understand why people would stay and live like this. Glad I don't have to


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

john117 said:


> I forgot to mention that at least one lady did find the stuff hot... The frigid Dr. LD does hold a doctorate in applied mathematics and - sheepish grin - we met in a graduate level statistics class  32 years ago...
> 
> It's one of those fate things - two people from very different backgrounds and majors meet at a class that neither really cared for at the time (silly grad school requirement)... Cue in the theme from Love Story or some such







What were the odds... ?



ETA: That's another sign... an increasingly dry sense of humor that amuses me like no other. Keeps me mind distracted, and the ladies away...


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I can't comprehend how people live like this either. No way I could . sex is a defining characteristic of marriage. No healthy sex life no healthy marriage. Will never understand why people would stay and live like this. Glad I don't have to




I wonder how many of us who have stayed have told ourselves it is for the kids -- either to keep their home together, or to avoid risking separation from them.



I wonder how many thoroughly believe they have nothing forcing their hand, and yet choose to stay.



I wish there was some good data on that.



Is there a statistician in the house? Maybe one with a surveymonkey account?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> What were the odds... ?
> 
> ETA: That's another sign... an increasingly dry sense of humor that amuses me like no other. Keeps me mind distracted, and the ladies away...



That sense of humor runs in my family - mothers side. Maternal grandfather, mom, me, and my younger college girl. LD had nothing to do with it... Thankfully.

The ladies love it. But it's a talent.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

I knew marriage would kill my sex life and put it off until I was in my 40's. I had no living relatives and wanted to be part of a family and have kids and I gave up sex for that and I stayed for those kids and now that they have grown up I'm way too old to make any changes. I still miss skin to skin contact with a woman I guess that will be with me until the end.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Personal said:


> More generally as far as I'm concerned, having sex 1-2 times a week is almost like having a platonic relationship. If one can, I encourage all to go more!


Man, I have GOT to seek out some new friends.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Sign - your spouse becomes a born again virgin.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

She says "I have to WANT sex?". I had forgotten I got this response before.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

when it's along weekend, you both got to sleep longer, had relaxing day on the beach, day off tomorrow. Then comes the evening - you already watched all the shows you wanted, and it is time for bed. neither one of you is tired, neither one of you have to get up in the morning. Perfect time for sex. And you both dread going to bed, and when you in there, you both pretend to fall asleep really fast. ....


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> doobie,
> I remember being at that stage, a long time ago. I guess I got past it. Like you I felt I was cheating in my mind. When I confessed I called it an emotional affair even though it was one sided. The object of my attention has never acknowledged that she knew.
> It is a bit difficult for me to admit that here. I like to present myself as being for long term success, but at that point I came very close to leaving. For those keeping score. Every contact with this person is reported to this day.
> MN


I've actually begun flirting with another man in the past week or so - it was while I was out with my husband. I hardly know the man involved, but he's really hot and he made the first move in the flirtation, following me and striking up a conversation. My husband did notice and made a point of walking past us so I had to keep things real subtle. However, having a man show an interest in me was awesome. He touched my shoulder and I felt a real thrill. I'm just absolutely devastated that it's not my husband looking at me in this way. I'm sure he was aware that the guy was showing an interest which is why he did the walk-past. However, he didn't bring it up at all when we got home. I'm now looking forward to the next time that we go out and this guy is there - just really looking forward to having somebody show an interest in me and feeling like a real woman again after such a long time.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

It sounds like you are ready to move on with filing from your husband doobie. When you have more cracks in your walls of fidelity than your integrity can keep patching, it's time to move on. I know those feelings.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It doesn't hurt to look around. I am and let's just say I'm not thrilled with what is available in my current circle 

That's the reason people bail out earlier. At 55-60 pickings are considerably less if one dares to have any kind of hope that a good match will be found. 

I should push for more intern family nights at work. Intern moms seem to be a promising field of inquiry....


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

justaguy123 said:


> Sign - your spouse becomes a born again virgin.





Reminds me of a Tom Robbins novel. Cant remember which one.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Thought about this thread last night and had to smile. Lying in bed next to my husband and he turned to me and asked if I was feeling hot. I didn't get my hopes up at all (after another 2 weeks without sex) as I knew he was just angling to switch on the fan. I thought it quite funny (and sad, really) that when he asked if I was hot, I knew damned well he meant temperature wise and that he didn't mean HOT, HOT, HOT.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon dobie
that is so sad
Find someone who appreciates you. 



doobie said:


> Thought about this thread last night and had to smile. Lying in bed next to my husband and he turned to me and asked if I was feeling hot. I didn't get my hopes up at all (after another 2 weeks without sex) as I knew he was just angling to switch on the fan. I thought it quite funny (and sad, really) that when he asked if I was hot, I knew damned well he meant temperature wise and that he didn't mean HOT, HOT, HOT.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon dobie
> that is so sad
> Find someone who appreciates you.


I'm trying to see the funny side - I find in times of adversity, having a sense of humour and taking the piss out of your troubles helps a lot  . I may no longer have a sex life, but I still have a sense of humour.


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

My wife tried to pass it off as my never getting her 'signals.'

So I bought her a black silk nightgown and told her - "we agree, this is a signal, right?"

When I moved out, I found it on the floor of the closet, behind the pile of clothes, behind the pile of kid's toys they'd grown past, and underneath the boxes of books we never got around to unpacking when we moved in. It was unwashed, dusty, and unwearable.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

one of the signs, for me, was when she actually fell asleep during sex... ok, maybe I'm not the greatest lover, but I have a big one...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

BaxJanson said:


> My wife tried to pass it off as my never getting her 'signals.'
> 
> So I bought her a black silk nightgown and told her - "we agree, this is a signal, right?"
> 
> When I moved out, I found it on the floor of the closet, behind the pile of clothes, behind the pile of kid's toys they'd grown past, and underneath the boxes of books we never got around to unpacking when we moved in. It was unwashed, dusty, and unwearable.


Well you should've gotten her signal. I would spect you also became sexless.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Watching a love scene is a movie seems like science fiction.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

PieceOfSky said:


> Reminds me of a Tom Robbins novel. Cant remember which one.


Still Life with a Woodpecker, I think


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BaxJanson said:


> When I moved out, I found it on the floor of the closet, behind the pile of clothes, behind the pile of kid's toys they'd grown past, and underneath the boxes of books we never got around to unpacking when we moved in. It was unwashed, dusty, and unwearable.


But that didn't stop you from trying it on, did it?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Cletus said:


> But that didn't stop you from trying it on, did it?



:rofl:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Doobie,
I wasn't intending to encourage you. I am completely thunderstruck that your husband could see enough to come over and interrupt your flirting, but didn't bother to call you out on the way home. 

I could not have passed up the opportunity if my spouse had asked if I was hot. My shirt would have been on the floor in seconds.

MN


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

doobie said:


> I'm starting to discover that when you're in a sexless marriage your lifelong held views on the "wrongness" of affairs start to get challenged and that you start fancying other men. I've recently started to look seriously at other men and wonder what they'd be like as lovers. This is cheating in my mind, even if I'm not cheating with my body. However, the lack of sex in my marriage is getting to the stage where it's unbearable.


Doobie it is sad when you start thinking about cheating. I have been there. I really hope you take a step back and say is this owrth it? You can hold your head high right now. But once it happens you cannot take it back. Get councelling and fix it or move on. I did at 57 years old and I have not looked back. I found another women and I have less assets but I am so much more happy. Good Luck


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I could not have passed up the opportunity if my spouse had asked if I was hot. My shirt would have been on the floor in seconds.
> 
> MN


I was already naked when he asked - I usually sleep naked in the summer - he sleeps with at least a t shirt and shorts on, in the winter he wears full thermals to bed. One of my big turn ons is skin contact (just about anywhere on the body, all my skin is an erogenous zone) but the only time we ever have skin contact is during the time it takes to have sex on the rare occasions that we do (and then I have to insist he takes his shirt off).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Doobie,
One of our recent intimacy exercises was a naked Hug 3 times a week. Think he would go for it? On the other hand a nice sharp pair of shears in the nightstand. . . . . . 

MN


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Doobie,
> One of our recent intimacy exercises was a naked Hug 3 times a week. Think he would go for it? On the other hand a nice sharp pair of shears in the nightstand. . . . . .
> 
> MN


I can't see him being interested in a naked hug even once a week. I will often wander round naked - or sit at the kitchen table topless, etc and he doesn't even notice. I'm afraid my body (which is well toned, nicely proportioned and not saggy) doesn't seem to inspire him in any way whatsoever. I'm fighting a losing battle here as there is absolutely nothing I can do to make him want me - he's practically asexual.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

doobie said:


> he's practically asexual.


Dead from the waist down. Be careful.
MN


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

doobie said:


> I can't see him being interested in a naked hug even once a week. I will often wander round naked - or sit at the kitchen table topless, etc and he doesn't even notice. I'm afraid my body (which is well toned, nicely proportioned and not saggy) doesn't seem to inspire him in any way whatsoever. I'm fighting a losing battle here as there is absolutely nothing I can do to make him want me - he's practically asexual.


Some people are asexual. Either that or so used to the one they are supposed to be with, that they no longer get a rise.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Some people are asexual. Either that or so used to the one they are supposed to be with, that they no longer get a rise.


Treyvion - it's not familiarity breeding contempt here as we have been together less than 3 years. Also, before we got married he gave the impression that a sophisticated sex life would be part of the relationship. He made a point of letting me know just how much sex he's had in the past. He and his first partner were swingers and used to have sex parties, etc. so he gave the impression that he was into sex in a big way and also that he was very experienced. When we talked about sex before we got married he would be talking about how we would be able to have a great sex life, both of us fulfilling fantasies, etc. However, since the wedding, the sex has been the same every time (him being extremely rough despite me telling him I don't like rough sex) and it has happened on average once every 7 weeks. I've put up with this for nearly two years. I have talked to him about it on several occasions, letting him know just how unloved and undesirable it makes me feel. I've told him that it affects my self-confidence and is also making me depressed (I've never been depressed before, despite leading a pretty tough life bringing up kids on my own). I've also told him that I don't feel like his wife, more like a cross between a mother and a sister. He's listened to all this and it's brought him to the point of tears, promising to do something about it. Every time we have this talk, we have sex within the next 48 hours and he will then comment on the positive effect it has on me - I'm much happier and more loving towards him. He's even said "I know how to make sure you're happy and on top form" - so he has seen what a difference it makes. However, things then go back to normal and I have to wait until I get to the end of my tether and insist on having the talk again before we have sex again. This demonstrates clearly to me that he is only willing to make the effort to have sex with me when the lack of sex has begun causing serious problems in the relationship. I really don't want to spend my time "fighting" constantly in order to get some sex from him. 

I really feel as if he's pulled a classic bait and switch here, making out we would have a great, loving marriage when all I'm left with is a parody of a marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

doobie said:


> Treyvion - it's not familiarity breeding contempt here as we have been together less than 3 years. Also, before we got married he gave the impression that a sophisticated sex life would be part of the relationship. He made a point of letting me know just how much sex he's had in the past. He and his first partner were swingers and used to have sex parties, etc. so he gave the impression that he was into sex in a big way and also that he was very experienced. When we talked about sex before we got married he would be talking about how we would be able to have a great sex life, both of us fulfilling fantasies, etc. However, since the wedding, the sex has been the same every time (him being extremely rough despite me telling him I don't like rough sex) and it has happened on average once every 7 weeks. I've put up with this for nearly two years. I have talked to him about it on several occasions, letting him know just how unloved and undesirable it makes me feel. I've told him that it affects my self-confidence and is also making me depressed (I've never been depressed before, despite leading a pretty tough life bringing up kids on my own). I've also told him that I don't feel like his wife, more like a cross between a mother and a sister. He's listened to all this and it's brought him to the point of tears, promising to do something about it. Every time we have this talk, we have sex within the next 48 hours and he will then comment on the positive effect it has on me - I'm much happier and more loving towards him. He's even said "I know how to make sure you're happy and on top form" - so he has seen what a difference it makes. However, things then go back to normal and I have to wait until I get to the end of my tether and insist on having the talk again before we have sex again. This demonstrates clearly to me that he is only willing to make the effort to have sex with me when the lack of sex has begun causing serious problems in the relationship. I really don't want to spend my time "fighting" constantly in order to get some sex from him.
> 
> I really feel as if he's pulled a classic bait and switch here, making out we would have a great, loving marriage when all I'm left with is a parody of a marriage.


I've had this battle for many years and now I've given up. We still have a couple of children at home, so I'm staying put. Our situation is slightly different because my wife has OCD and takes ADs, which have killed her libido. The problem is that she could fix her problem with therapy but, after promising and promising, she told me two years ago that she doesn't really want to go down that path. So, she's condemned our marriage. 

I feel really sad about it because I know that, if she started seeking therapy many years ago, we wouldn't be in this situation now. In fact, I only realised how bad it was for her 4 years ago. Before she always told me "she was fine", with the result I felt horribly rejected. We fought, we separated and nearly divorced over this. But my kids are more important to me than my sex life. If I didn't have any, I wouldn't be here with someone who, obviously, doesn't value our marriage.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Personal said:


> That being the case, why did you settle? It doesn't make any sense.
> 
> I can't help but wonder if your attitude and outlook compelled you to pursue a partner who would kill your sex life in marriage. In other words you sought out a relationship with someone who would meet your poor expectations and therefore consequently got what you were looking for.
> 
> ...


I knew it would be a lousy marriage sexually because ANY relationship I had while I dated from age 15 to age 40 would quickly become sexually boring to me after only a few sexual encounters. Plus I'd never been in love despite dating dozens of women over the years. When I was single I had a great sex life because when I would get bored I would simply break off the relationship and move on to another woman. The reason I said I knew my married sex life would be awful was because I knew I would no longer be able to easily move from partner to partner and so, in order to keep the marriage together and not cheat I had to become celibate (I grew sexually bored with my wife even before we married) So I haven't had any skin to skin sex for almost 20 years. But I do have great kids and my wife and I are good friends and run a very successful business together. So it was definitely a trade off for sure.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow Mr. B....what the heck?


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## original__design (Jan 6, 2014)

When you can count on ONE hand how many times you had sex last month (and every month, unfortunately.)

And the answer for when I ask about it? "All you do is ask ask ask. All you want to do is get f**ked."

Um no, but I would like to spend some quality time with you. Excuse me for being a woman and your damn wife. 

And also, that feeling of heartbreak when you get rejected...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I just posted this in the Ladies Lounge, I'd love participation from anyone interested:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/224338-sexlessness-survey-my-blog.html


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

When you sign up for a forum like Talk about marriage.

When your wife starts menopause and the first thing that comes to mind is-
Oh great a 25% increase in rejection.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow Mr. B....what the heck?


I filled out your survey online. Any other questions about long term SM feel free to PM me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mr B said:


> I filled out your survey online. Any other questions about long term SM feel free to PM me.



So you're the one who cut her off? Because you were bored by the same ***** day after day?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Mr B said:


> I knew it would be a lousy marriage sexually because ANY relationship I had while I dated from age 15 to age 40 would quickly become sexually boring to me after only a few sexual encounters. Plus I'd never been in love despite dating dozens of women over the years. When I was single I had a great sex life because when I would get bored I would simply break off the relationship and move on to another woman. The reason I said I knew my married sex life would be awful was because I knew I would no longer be able to easily move from partner to partner and so, in order to keep the marriage together and not cheat I had to become celibate (I grew sexually bored with my wife even before we married) So I haven't had any skin to skin sex for almost 20 years. But I do have great kids and my wife and I are good friends and run a very successful business together. So it was definitely a trade off for sure.


You cheated your wife out of a fulfilling marriage. It's both sad and pathetic.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> You cheated your wife out of a fulfilling marriage. It's both sad and pathetic.


Well there's been no sex since the beginning and she has stayed with me for 25 years. I figure if it was so bad she would have done one of two things years ago- agree to an open marriage when I requested it during that first year of marriage or leave. She did neither.


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## IceCrystal (May 26, 2014)

@Mr. B : at least you proposed an open marriage. It was her choice to stay with you without ever having sex. Probably she found herself a lover, otherwise i can't see how a normal human being can go without sex for such a long time.
But then again, i`m curious, how did you go without having sex for such a long time? Did you become a monk?
Or probably you get used to it after a while )

Now i'm having a dilemma. 
Me and my wife been in a sexless marriage (like once per month and that usually when she was drunk) for the past 2 years. The sexless part started just after we wed, in 2012. Probably she waited til she knew i was hooked, to show her true colors.

She invoked all kind of lame excuses, probably all the excuses stated on this topic. Did everything i could to fix the relation, talked to her, went counselling, but it takes two to make a relation work and she didn't cooperate. On the other hand she sure covered everything in lies, stating that she is doing her best to keep the relationship work.

I wanted to break up with her several times but she kept on promising that everything is going to be good, like a politician before elections. And just like the crooked politician, she didn't keep her promises. Also it was hard for me to accept that i could be deceived by the very person i loved.

If it wasn't that she got pregnant 8 months ago, i would've broke up with her.
She mostly complained about her low sex drive due to stress and work. As well she said that i have too much energy and that she thinks sex is overrated.
But for the past 8 months i found out she's been watching porn and masturbating at least twice a week, yet when i asked her about her libido several times during this period, she said that is just as low and she's not in any mood. 
I stopped asking her for sex 3 months after she got pregnant and just let her do whatever she wants. 

The baby will be born next month.
After that, i don't know. I'll for sure confront her with all her lies she has told for the past 2 years, but i didn't decide for sure what to do next. 
I incline for breaking up with her 2 or 3 months after the baby is born. Leaving aside all the pain she caused, i'll break up due to the fact there's no such thing as a solid relationship when there's no more trust. 
Will be sad for the baby, but i believe this is the best option. An unsatisfying marriage with frustration in it will be much more toxic for the baby.
As well i was considering proposing an open relationship, but then again, that's just as good as being separated and both taking care of the baby. 
Well, mad up my mind, i`ll go for the break.

If uncertainty will cloud up my mind in the time to come, i`ll make sure to get back to this forum and read my own post 

What i realized out of this relationship is that if the other doesn't want to change, you can have the best intentions and do your very best to save the relationship to no avail. Is like banging your head against a wall in the hope that you will somehow break trough, but the more you bang your head on one side, the thicker the wall grows, because the other person is afraid and is enforcing the wall on his/her side.
So no matter all the pretty lies and excuses you get, always stick to the facts. Gather evidence, see in which direction they go then decide if is good or not good for you. 
All that keeps us in a bad relationship is fear. Break trough it and free yourself.

After all, you are the only one responsible for your happiness.
Don't ever think that you're helpless, cause you're not. You just didn't took the time to learn a better way for yourself. But you can always start NOW. I know for sure is way better alone than in a relationship devoided of passion and intimacy.
And no love last that long if it ain't nourished, therefor there's no excuse like "but i love that person" to stop you choosing what you really want. That ain't love, that's just an addiction, a desire to get from the other person something you lack.

I lacked self love, that's what kept me for 2 painful years in this relation, in the hope that i will get that love from her, even i was trying to force it. What i didn't realize is that she lacked that love too, therefor how could she offer something she didn't have.
But now i`m good, now i can go all by myself without the fear of being alone.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

IceCrystal said:


> ter a while )
> 
> Now i'm having a dilemma.
> Me and my wife been in a sexless marriage (like once per month and that usually when she was drunk) for the past 2 years. The sexless part started just after we wed, in 2012. Probably she waited til she knew i was hooked, to show her true colors.
> ...


well, you are just another one here AFTER the trap has sprung. The same pattern. Little sex, despite all your pleadings. Then she gets pregnant, and its no sex anymore.

I just wish men would come here and read this stuff BEFORE the wife traps them forever with a kid. 

THE MOMENT in your young marriage that the sex stops, that is the time to DON A CONDOM, and figure out WTF is going on. If it looks like the old bait and switch, you need to get the heck out of Dodge.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

IceCrystal said:


> @Mr. B : at least you proposed an open marriage. It was her choice to stay with you without ever having sex. Probably she found herself a lover, otherwise i can't see how a normal human being can go without sex for such a long time.
> But then again, i`m curious, how did you go without having sex for such a long time? Did you become a monk?
> Or probably you get used to it after a while )


No way you never get used to it. I kept waiting for my sex drive to decline as I got older but it didn't and I had a high sex drive to start with. It has been really hard and I do crave skin to skin contact with a woman every day.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Cesar said:


> Always the same thing for me.
> 
> 1) makes sure to never go to bed same time as me. I go early, she goes late, or I go late and she goes early, falls asleep on couch.
> 2)ailments-head hurts, tummy hurts, too tired, too drunk, wide awake, she feels fat, she feels bloated, doesn't feel clean, just used washroom, body hurts, coughs, colds
> ...


Sounds like you share a wife with at least a few of us here. #1 through 3 are the same in our house, especially #2. I never knew one person could have such pounding headaches, always feel tired, always be crampy. Every day it's always something. 

My favorite is when she mentions that we should start having sex, then a few minutes later, she mentions how much her head hurts. Next is when she tells her friends that I don't initiate, and she gets mad when I respond with "why would I bother? You're always tired, etc".


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Sounds like you share a wife with at least a few of us here. #1 through 3 are the same in our house, especially #2. I never knew one person could have such pounding headaches, always feel tired, always be crampy. Every day it's always something.
> 
> My favorite is when she mentions that we should start having sex, then a few minutes later, she mentions how much her head hurts. Next is when she tells her friends that I don't initiate, and she gets mad when I respond with "why would I bother? You're always tired, etc".


Can something be hilarious and tragic at the same time?:scratchhead:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Cesar said:


> Always the same thing for me.
> 
> 1) makes sure to never go to bed same time as me. I go early, she goes late, or I go late and she goes early, falls asleep on couch.
> 2)ailments-head hurts, tummy hurts, too tired, too drunk, wide awake, she feels fat, she feels bloated, doesn't feel clean, just used washroom, body hurts, coughs, colds
> ...


unfortunately I think it can be.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Mr B said:


> No way you never get used to it. I kept waiting for my sex drive to decline as I got older but it didn't and I had a high sex drive to start with. It has been really hard and I do crave skin to skin contact with a woman every day.


And I thought my situation was strange....


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Sounds like you share a wife with at least a few of us here. #1 through 3 are the same in our house, especially #2. I never knew one person could have such pounding headaches, always feel tired, always be crampy. Every day it's always something.
> 
> My favorite is when she mentions that we should start having sex, then a few minutes later, she mentions how much her head hurts. Next is when she tells her friends that I don't initiate, and she gets mad when I respond with "why would I bother? You're always tired, etc".


"Honey, I got you some aspirin", you say.

"Why did you do that, I don't need any aspirin", she says

"Honey, it's for your headache", you say

"I don't have a headache", she says

"Well good, so we can have sex then", you say


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> Can something be hilarious and tragic at the same time?:scratchhead:


I try to be a glass-half-full person, so I think it's funny. Also try to have goals - if we can hold out for a couple of weeks, then we'll have had sex once in three years. Another six or so months, and we won't have had sex for two years. Good chance we'll make both. 

Need to be positive, as being negative will just wear you down. There are enough negative things in our lives, so try to make one of those a positive (yes, it's a stretch, but so what?)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Can something be hilarious and tragic at the same time?:scratchhead:



Yes. Any good YouTube train wreck video is proof of that.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> I try to be a glass-half-full person, so I think it's funny. Also try to have goals - if we can hold out for a couple of weeks, then we'll have had sex once in three years. Another six or so months, and we won't have had sex for two years. Good chance we'll make both.
> 
> Need to be positive, as being negative will just wear you down. There are enough negative things in our lives, so try to make one of those a positive (yes, it's a stretch, but so what?)


Hooray.:toast:


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## Woodrow23 (Oct 21, 2014)

When you send you wife a scientific studying that shows sex helps the immune system and she replies she'd rather have the cold.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Another "3 year" club member! Ours comes in a few months! 



ChargingCharlie said:


> I try to be a glass-half-full person, so I think it's funny. Also try to have goals - if we can hold out for a couple of weeks, then we'll have had sex once in three years. Another six or so months, and we won't have had sex for two years. Good chance we'll make both.
> 
> Need to be positive, as being negative will just wear you down. There are enough negative things in our lives, so try to make one of those a positive (yes, it's a stretch, but so what?)


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

seahorse said:


> Another "3 year" club member! Ours comes in a few months!


Thank you for the warm welcome to the club, and good luck getting to three years. We should have a contest to see who can get to years four, five, et al. Now that my wife is entering pre-menopause (she thinks), I'm guessing that chances are greater than not that we won't ever have sex again.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

In all seriousness...

Have you and your wife sat down and really dedicated yourselves to discussing why this is happening? I know why it's happening in my marriage and even how to fix it -- (it's quite fixable) -- but my wife doesn't want to hear it. Because she is unwilling to see, she doesn't. So I am stuck. But perhaps it is not too late for you.

-seahorse




ChargingCharlie said:


> Thank you for the warm welcome to the club, and good luck getting to three years. We should have a contest to see who can get to years four, five, et al. Now that my wife is entering pre-menopause (she thinks), I'm guessing that chances are greater than not that we won't ever have sex again.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

seahorse said:


> In all seriousness...
> 
> Have you and your wife sat down and really dedicated yourselves to discussing why this is happening? I know why it's happening in my marriage and even how to fix it -- (it's quite fixable) -- but my wife doesn't want to hear it. Because she is unwilling to see, she doesn't. So I am stuck. But perhaps it is not too late for you.
> 
> -seahorse


No, there's really no point. She really doesn't think about it, and all she does is complain about how being tired, headache, et al. If I did bring it up, she'd get defensive. She was going out of town for the weekend a few months ago, and mentioned that we should have sex. I said sure, tonight (which was Friday). She said OK, then changed her mind, said she needed to have a few drinks in her. Tomorrow came, "I'm tired, let's do it in the morning" (she was leaving the next morning). Morning came, "I have to get ready to leave". 

I think part of it is attributable to her friends that all say that they never have sex with their husbands (with one notable exception) and in her mind, this is normal with kids, lives, etc. She also saw this with her parents, which just reinforces how "normal" this is - "My friends don't have sex, so we're normal". 

When your wife says that sleep is much more important than sex, then you get the drift.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> *No, there's really no point*. She really doesn't think about it, and all she does is complain about how being tired, headache, et al. If I did bring it up, she'd get defensive. She was going out of town for the weekend a few months ago, and mentioned that we should have sex. I said sure, tonight (which was Friday). She said OK, then changed her mind, said she needed to have a few drinks in her. Tomorrow came, "I'm tired, let's do it in the morning" (she was leaving the next morning). Morning came, "I have to get ready to leave".
> 
> I think part of it is attributable to her friends that all say that they never have sex with their husbands (with one notable exception) and in her mind, this is normal with kids, lives, etc. She also saw this with her parents, which just reinforces how "normal" this is - "My friends don't have sex, so we're normal".
> 
> When your wife says that sleep is much more important than sex, then you get the drift.


Yes, there really is a point. You get your point across. If you find at that point that your spouse still doesn't care, you have EVERY justification at that point to replace them. If you find out they DO care, you can work toward improving things. Not discussing it is just accepting it.


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Wait...he didn't even ask to play the game?


:rofl:


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Is there a "sexless support" thread of sorts? I feel like there should be. I remembered this thread, and it's the closest thing to that I could find. Where everyone comes and is able to vent and gripe to survive their various sexless situations. A little club of support so we don't go insane... should I start one? Or maybe here will suffice.

Anyways, I sort of chuckled at the above mentioning of the "goals" of thinking "if we don't have sex for a few more weeks we will have hit 3 years!" Oh man. Funny but sad. I don't remember the exact date that we had sex last (like most people, I'm assuming, I didn't know it would be the last time so it didn't stick out as important to me to mark it down... ) But I do remember the month and even the general part of the month, so I commemorate it in my head. We recently hit 2 years and it was super depressing. Saying 1 year or even a year and a half etc seems less terrifying as it still seems singular, but saying 2? That's multiple. 

And you know what doesn't help? I seem to be having very frequent sex dreams about him, the vivid kind that you remember when you wake up and it fills you with that emotion in the dream as if it were real. I actually have more sex dreams about him than with a different person, it's actually rare to do so. It's always him. I wonder if that is a good or bad sign? I don't know. Seems it would be more therapeutic to be cheating on him as I dream, but apparently even my slumbering mind wants to remain faithful to him. Stupid! lol.


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## BeenThereBefore (Nov 11, 2014)

treyvion said:


> "Honey, I got you some aspirin", you say.
> 
> "Why did you do that, I don't need any aspirin", she says
> 
> ...


LOL, that is funny.


here is the hint I got...

my wife says to me "I decided we would both sleep better if I moved to a bedroom on the opposite side of the house."


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BeenThereBefore said:


> my wife says to me "I decided we would both sleep better if I moved to a bedroom on the opposite side of the house."


Unless your wife has a highly developed sense of humour, it's highly likely she doesn't like you.


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## BeenThereBefore (Nov 11, 2014)

yeah, at first I thought it was a joke, but after having separate bedrooms for 8 years I have decided she was serious about it.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Ouch, I can't say I would stay married under those conditions.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Adeline said:


> Is there a "sexless support" thread of sorts? I feel like there should be. I remembered this thread, and it's the closest thing to that I could find. Where everyone comes and is able to vent and gripe to survive their various sexless situations. A little club of support so we don't go insane... should I start one? Or maybe here will suffice.
> 
> Anyways, I sort of chuckled at the above mentioning of the "goals" of thinking "if we don't have sex for a few more weeks we will have hit 3 years!" Oh man. Funny but sad. I don't remember the exact date that we had sex last (like most people, I'm assuming, I didn't know it would be the last time so it didn't stick out as important to me to mark it down... ) But I do remember the month and even the general part of the month, so I commemorate it in my head. We recently hit 2 years and it was super depressing. Saying 1 year or even a year and a half etc seems less terrifying as it still seems singular, but saying 2? That's multiple.
> 
> And you know what doesn't help? I seem to be having very frequent sex dreams about him, the vivid kind that you remember when you wake up and it fills you with that emotion in the dream as if it were real. I actually have more sex dreams about him than with a different person, it's actually rare to do so. It's always him. I wonder if that is a good or bad sign? I don't know. Seems it would be more therapeutic to be cheating on him as I dream, but apparently even my slumbering mind wants to remain faithful to him. Stupid! lol.


there was a forum with a sub group i belonged to called 'living in a sexless marriage' in the 'experience project' forum.
I originally went there when I was in a sexless relationship with a CSA survivor with BPD (bad combination). I'm no longer with her. I have moved on and married another.

Here's the thing though. There's something like 50,000 members! Think about that for a minute. 50,000 members out of a somewhat obscure forum and extrapolate that out to the general married population and you don't have to be a statistician to realize that severe sexlessness is extremely pervasive in our society. It's mind blowing and tragic.

that site is not as good as this one, because it's not as active, but it's very sobering reading each individuals stories. They are sad and tragic, and the most sorrowful part of it all is that 90% of the stories the denying partners have no apparent excuse. You can feel the terrible pain in those denied.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> there was a forum with a sub group i belonged to called 'living in a sexless marriage' in the 'experience project' forum.
> I originally went there when I was in a sexless relationship with a CSA survivor with BPD (bad combination). I'm no longer with her. I have moved on and married another.
> 
> Here's the thing though. There's something like 50,000 members! Think about that for a minute. 50,000 members out of a somewhat obscure forum and extrapolate that out to the general married population and you don't have to be a statistician to realize that severe sexlessness is extremely pervasive in our society. It's mind blowing and tragic.
> ...


I will have to take a look at that site, thanks. That is crazy, it really does feel like you are the only one going through it when you are. Or that it can't possibly be that common. And to the bolded... it's funny, sometimes I almost "compare" my sexless situation to others... and I think oh, health issues. Different sex drives. etc. At least those make sense. "I wish mine made that much sense." Ha. I wish it had a clear label like those. Really sad and stupid. Pain is pain.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

More:

-When Your wife looks sexier only when she has her period ; meaning that other days she intend to look un attractive .

-When her period symptoms are there 10 days before period and days after having the monthly visitor gone .

-When she makes it clear that she is tired ; but if you feel horny you can do it .

- The next day she feels headache but if you want she can sacrifice a fast vanilla .

-Then third day she gets her period  she make it clear before you even dream about it that her hands are hurting her ( NO HJ even).

-You are also in sexless marriage , when your 65 years old neighbor looks hotter than your wife !
( by the way , the neigbhbor is FAT and ugly, Wife is wow !)

-You are also in sexless marriage , when you pretend masturbating in Bed to raise her attention , she pretends sleeping , until you are close she warns you not to leave dirts on sheets.

:rofl:


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

You know it's bad when even your own hand falls asleep half way through...


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I was at that point a few years back. I told my wife I wanted to get a sex change and be her lesbian lover. She called me an ******* but at least she couldn't take away something I wasn't getting.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I've only read a few smatterings of this thread and already I hear depression's beck and call.

I have no idea how you people do it. I sure as hell wouldn't. And it's not even about the lack of sex for me, it's the constant rejection and not even being wanted.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's a two way street. Of one spouse checks out the other gets an automatic pass to do same.

It works even better if the sex withholding spouse is unaware of other needs they may have that are unmet. 'Cause one day these needs can't be ignored any more and there's nobody home to meet them.

Revenge is too strong a word perhaps but retribution or reciprocity are a lot more accepted.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

john117 said:


> Heard both in a comedy club....
> 
> You have sex so infrequently your condom stash (Costco 48 pack Super Stud size) lasts a decade.
> 
> You have sex so infrequently your three pack of condoms goes past it's expiration date.


I would find that funny, if the last one hadn't been true.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

jaquen said:


> I've only read a few smatterings of this thread and already I hear depression's beck and call.
> 
> I have no idea how you people do it. I sure as hell wouldn't. And it's not even about the lack of sex for me, it's the constant rejection and not even being wanted.


It's simple if you get rejected enough by your spouse why would you think anyone else would want you? Why give up a home and family when you feel you would still be rejected sexually as a single person.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Mr B said:


> It's simple if you get rejected enough by your spouse why would you think anyone else would want you? Why give up a home and family when you feel you would still be rejected sexually as a single person.


I've been continuously rejected by my LD husband throughout our marriage (coming up 2 years now) and this did have a negative effect on my confidence for quite some time. However, I see the way other men look at me on a daily basis and when we go out I often get men openly flirting with me. This lets me know that when I am ready to move on I won't really have any problem finding another partner/lover if I want one.


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## HiLibido (Dec 10, 2013)

jaquen said:


> And it's not even about the lack of sex for me, it's the constant rejection and not even being wanted.


Exactly.

But the lack of sex thing? That hurts too.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Perhaps some changes can come from you and how you "deal" with sex. So stop dealing and read...

Overcoming Low Sexual Desire in Marriage | hitched

and others on the site...

10 Ways to Bring Fantasy Into the Bedroom | hitched

How to Turn the Sexual Dynamic Around in Your Marriage | hitched

Putting The Sex Back Into Your Marriage | hitched

5 Ways to Create Sexual Desire in Marriage | hitched

YMMV


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Perhaps some changes can come from you and how you "deal" with sex. So stop dealing and read...
> 
> Overcoming Low Sexual Desire in Marriage | hitched
> 
> ...


Here is another good one if the HD partner can get their LD partner to read and discuss the suggestions together:
Healing a Low-Sex Marriage | hitched


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Mr B said:


> It's simple if you get rejected enough by your spouse why would you think anyone else would want you? Why give up a home and family when you feel you would still be rejected sexually as a single person.


My personality is such that I'd be far happier single and sexless than married and constantly rejected.

Even if I allowed my spouse's chronic refusal to wear away at my confidence, that doesn't mean that staying around is a more palatable option. It least I could have the freedom to enjoy my days in peace without the presence of somebody who constantly helps me feel like total crap.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

reverting back to what started with a bit of humor (if we could'nt laugh we would all go insane... (Jimmy B).

Signs you are in a sexless relationship:

1. 'getting lucky' means finding a parking spot in the shade.
2 ' When hearing 'this weekend, you are in for a treat' means that she has found a new restaurant you have to check out.
3. Hurting your wrist when playing ball means that 'plan B' means your other hand.
4. 'honey, the kids will be staying over at so and so friends on Saturday' means another marathon of Jane Austin Movies on the damn telly.
5. 'feeling hot at home' means that the AC has stopped working.
6. When booking a hotel room when you travel together means that the statement 'we are out of single king size rooms' causes no issues; great in terms of flexibility come to think of it.
....


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

ericthesane said:


> reverting back to what started with a bit of humor (if we could'nt laugh we would all go insane... (Jimmy B).
> 
> Signs you are in a sexless relationship:
> 
> ...


I've got to the stage of wondering how I can get my LDH to agree to separate bedrooms. I've started staying up later at night as I just can't bear lying in bed next to him frustrated, so I would prefer him to be asleep before I go to bed. However, he gets real pissed about this and keeps shouting out to ask me when I'm coming to bed - what he wants me to be in the bed for, I have not idea - it's certainly not because he wants to cuddle - we sleep with a huge gap between us.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I was thinking of getting a large dog to sleep between us. Plenty of space.

View attachment 30602


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

WonkyNinja said:


> I would find that funny, if the last one hadn't been true.


 But even worse the condoms found in the bin will no longer unroll


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

you know definitely you are in a sexless marriage when you have no idea that sexless marriage involves so much reading before going to sleep !.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

!


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

When you realize your wife is not actually a good cook.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

Zouz said:


> you know definitely you are in a sexless marriage when you have no idea that sexless marriage involves so much reading before going to sleep !.


The reason why illiterate and uneducated people are so horny all the time.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

jaquen said:


> My personality is such that I'd be far happier single and sexless than married and constantly rejected.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





I see it exactly the same way, but yet I am here, and have been here for some time, living the lesser life. There are reasons why, some good and sensible perhaps, some not. It is, or I have made it seem to myself, more complex a matter than the binary choice in your statement.



Change is hard. I am determined to change my life for the better. It is taking time. It takes courage. It takes action.



Some holes are easier to fall into than climb out of. But climbing out is my goal.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

seahorse said:


> Another "3 year" club member! Ours comes in a few months!


The 3 year club was one of the straws that broke the camels back for me. We were separated before the 4 year mark.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

When every attempt has been made and still your spouse does not have the desire to have sex with you.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

doobie said:


> I've been continuously rejected by my LD husband throughout our marriage (coming up 2 years now) and this did have a negative effect on my confidence for quite some time. However, I see the way other men look at me on a daily basis and when we go out I often get men openly flirting with me. This lets me know that when I am ready to move on I won't really have any problem finding another partner/lover if I want one.


See this is the classic difference between men and women in sexless marriages. Out in the world the married man seeking sex is looked upon on the same level as pond scum, whereas a married woman, as you say, can basically walk out her front door if she wants sex. So men, without any kind of feedback as to their ability to attract a sexual partner basically lose their confidence.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Another sign :

On life Insurance renewal : you change the beneficiary to be your kids only ....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Signs you are in a sexless marriage? Look at your finger. If there's a wedding ring on it, you're probably married. Look at your genitals. If they haven't been involved in sex for a ridiculously prolonged period, you are in a sexless marriage.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

1) Right hand look more attractive the more I look at it.

2) Right hand is getting more aerodynamic.

3) Right hand is getting stronger.

4) You start whistling in bed.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

when you start ordering masterbators .
and think about inventing one !


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I can't imagine how yesterday would have gone if I was still dealing with little sex.

My oldest is in college now but still lives at home. She decided to go on a double date with her new best bud. DD asks Mrs Gray if her and new bud can prep for the date at our house. Mrs Gray agrees. 

So I get home. Here is this 20 y/o in my house, sitting on the couch k. Good looking gal. She plays college tennis and has the legs and butt that show it. So there she is, in SHORT shorts and a bare midriff shirt. Mrs Gray keeps me worn out nowadays. I'd gotten a hummer before work. Even then, I had to keep reminding myself "don't stare, don't creep her out."

Once she went and changed and was all date ready it wasn't any better. I'd probably have been like a 13 y/o JR high boy who'd just discoveries boners if I was still not getting any.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Way off, Larry. I generally have good looking interns during the summer and I don't think any of that would happen even when we work closely together... 

Ever been a TA (teaching assistant) in a Deep South university? In the summer? In your early 20's? 

Remember what I wrote in another thread about "protected classes"...


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I wasn't thinking that anything was going to happen one way or another. I was commenting on how frustrating it would have been.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I realize that - but it's not frustrating in either case. I don't think it is at least.

Is sex in general was the issue most people stuck in LD land would cheat hands down. The issue is sex with the certain person.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

As I posted earlier in the thread, it was a big deal to me. I'd try not to let the lack of sex bug me. But then I'd see young, attractive females and they'd remind me I'm not dead yet.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

No need for "signs." The "sign" you are in a sexless relationship is that you're not having sex. End of sign.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am not dead sexually speaking  but seeing young good looking women does not trigger any averse reactions or bad feelings about my personal situation or LD in general.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

Does anyone feel that dealing with a sexless marriage causes you to put sex on a pedestal more than you normally would? I oftentimes feel as though sex is the most important thing in the world, and I don't like that. That the lack thereof causes almost like an obsession. Ugh.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Adeline
Yes, exactly. The thing you cannot have grows in importance. This can apply to particular sex acts as well as sex in general. 



Adeline said:


> Does anyone feel that dealing with a sexless marriage causes you to put sex on a pedestal more than you normally would? I oftentimes feel as though sex is the most important thing in the world, and I don't like that. That the lack thereof causes almost like an obsession. Ugh.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Adeline said:


> Does anyone feel that dealing with a sexless marriage causes you to put sex on a pedestal more than you normally would? I oftentimes feel as though sex is the most important thing in the world, and I don't like that. That the lack thereof causes almost like an obsession. Ugh.


Not sure that the lack of sex makes me "put it on a pedestal" but it does make me obsessed with the fact that I'm not getting any. Whereas in previous relationships, sex was something that I just took for granted would happen (and did at the start of this relationship too), I didn't really give it much thought unless I was actually doing it. Nowadays, a serious lack of sex means that I'm obsessing about it on a daily basis. I suppose it's like giving up smoking, if you can't have it, you torture yourself by wanting it more and thinking about it more.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear richardsharpe,
A very incisive comment by you and Adeline, makes me think, are you really Richard Sharpe one of England's greatest fly-halves.

Regards

Jacko Jack


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

POSky, sorry to hear someone else lived my life.

YKYAIASR:
When you stop exercising, stop taking your cholesterol meds, and just pray for a massive heart attack because that would be less pain than your heart is feeling now.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

Adeline said:


> Does anyone feel that dealing with a sexless marriage causes you to put sex on a pedestal more than you normally would? I oftentimes feel as though sex is the most important thing in the world, and I don't like that. That the lack thereof causes almost like an obsession. Ugh.


Sign # 84 that you are in a sexless marriage:

You come up with 'It is with sex in marriage as it is with oxygen around you: you really dont obsess about it until it is not there'


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

john117 said:


> It's a two way street. Of one spouse checks out the other gets an automatic pass to do same.
> Revenge is too strong a word perhaps but retribution or reciprocity are a lot more accepted.


Could not agree more. Balance in all things. Once they have squeezed your heart down to a small pebble of hardened resentment, they can't complain when you have no feelings for their plight when they realize you aren't meeting their needs, either.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Adeline said:


> Does anyone feel that dealing with a sexless marriage causes you to put sex on a pedestal more than you normally would? I oftentimes feel as though sex is the most important thing in the world, and I don't like that. That the lack thereof causes almost like an obsession. Ugh.


I agree but put it aside and see how long a relationship/marriage lasts
It would be good if we could all choose whether to be HD/LD
lLooking back to early days when the maternal instinct cuts in its not a problem !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ah well I suppose it keeps a lot of people in a job but doesn't help A SAD LONELY PERSON


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good afternoon everybody

1) Knots in wood look very inviting.

2) Left hand gets jealous of right hand.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> Good afternoon everybody
> 
> 1) Knots in wood look very inviting.
> 
> 2) Left hand gets jealous of right hand.


then there's the age old standard 'I'm so horny, even the crack of dawn ain't safe!'


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

ericthesane said:


> Sign # 84 that you are in a sexless marriage:
> 
> You come up with 'It is with sex in marriage as it is with oxygen around you: you really dont obsess about it until it is not there'





marriedandlonely said:


> I agree but put it aside and see how long a relationship/marriage lasts


definitely, and I've heard that adage before, and it's so true! I guess I would have to say that I never worried about sex before in relationships, and they always came naturally. I'm not really LD or HD, some where in the middle. Now I suddenly have this mindset that if I just had someone that f*cked me everyday that life would be perfect. I know in my mind that's not exactly true, but dang it sure feels like it at this point. On a pedestal...


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning everybody
You have heart failure and after recovery and the fitting of the stent, the cardiac rehabilitation nurse says, no intimacy for a week, you smile at her and say only a week.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning everybody
You take your wedding ring off, just like I did two weeks ago and nobody but nobody notices or comments.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

My wife is just using her toothbrush, it sounds like she is using a vibrator:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

You have to cook your own steak today.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

When you remember the exact dates you had sex this year: your anniversary and your birthday.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Onedge

Yu have been watching the "Railway Children" too often

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Jacko, consider yourself lucky. Birthday and anniversary are 2 days when I can guarantee we will not have sex. Not that this is different than any other day, just hurts more. Well, no longer. Now I visualize sex as being a vile and disgusting act like making her eat vomit or feces. So I feel proud and virtuous for not allowing her to debase herself that way. See, all I had to do to conform to this was teach myself to believe in untruths. Now wife complains I never even try. I make comforting noises but secretly I am pleased she minds. No, I am not going to turn this into an opportunity to "meet in the middle" and resolve our mismatch. Instead, I am going to completely deny her as she did to me for so many years. Revenge served very cold. No, that does not make me a good person. No, that does not enhance our marriage. Too bad. She made this bed. Now she gets to sleep in it.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

You might be in a sexless relationship if on St. Patricks day you don't wear green because you secretly hope someone will pinch you and crave any sort of physical contact.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Racer said:


> You might be in a sexless relationship if on St. Patricks day you don't wear green because you secretly hope someone will pinch you and crave any sort of physical contact.


I did exactly that. In my bachelor days, I went to the local hangout sans green. The barmaid pinched and twisted my tit, and said 'how come your not wearing green?!!" and I said "so, you would pinch and twist my tit!"

She rolled her eyes and had that 'you got me' look on her face.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

You're memory foam mattress holds more of an impression of your manhood, than your wife does.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

onedge said:


> When you remember the exact dates you had sex this year: your anniversary and your birthday.


Wow, you were lucky to get it on your birthday and anniversary - my H wouldn't dream of putting himself out to have sex with me on my birthday.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Unfortunately my birthday and anniversary are on February 29th.

:rofl::rofl:


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

the sex scenes in movies make me cry


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

You are allowed sex when Wales win all there games in the Six Nations Rugby Championship *and* England win all there games in the Six Nations Rugby Championship, Celebration and Pity Sex all in one go, think about this one.

Have a Nice Day

Jacko Jack

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

You spend your waking hours, yes I know I have left the "n" out, thinking about posts to put on this thread.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear wife calls upstairs, you reply "I am afraid that I cannot hear your because of all the self-abuse that I have had to undergo because of our vigorous sex life", she pretends not to hear.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wait, I thought it made you go blind.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Wait, I thought it made you go blind.


There are a lot of typos in the SIM forum...


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear workingonme

I cannot see what you have written.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> Dear workingonme
> 
> 
> 
> I cannot see what you have written.



What? What?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear workingonme

Please make your replies in bigger fonts as I am going blind.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

This has turned into a real comedy thread which shows that at least we're maintaining a sense of humour in the face of sadness and dissatisfaction. However, when you read between the lines of some of the replies here, it's heartbreaking to see just how many of us are hurting and living in empty marriages with no hope for improvement in the future. It's the lack of hope that makes living in a celibate marriage so very hard to deal with.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Doobie

Perhaps I travel in hope, it may be one of the reasons, I keep going, indeed some one some day may come up with an answer to the problem. I have started to speak out loud about the lack of sex in my marriage not just with my wife, indeed, I will ask our vicar (female) , if my wife has a clitoris, what then is it's function. I am afraid that I am no longer going to brush this under the carpet, if my wife will not or does not want to have sex then she must face the ramifications. I find it better to laugh about the situation, it makes me feel better, but I do take your point.

Take Care

Jacko Jack


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

When you lower your pants and you hear a snoring sound, and not just my wife, but my now asleep organ. He's finally gone to sleep too. lol


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Actually the organ will go numb but not from lack of use. Cycling is far worse for it than a harem full of 64 virgin LD's


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

We've already discussed (not sure if it's in this thread or another) how regular ejaculation is a must for prostate health. I've also read that a celibate lifestyle can lead to vaginal atrophy in women. When I pointed out to my H that lack of sex puts his health at risk (raised risk of prostate cancer) and that lack of sex also puts my health at risk. He looked fairly thoughtful about this, took it seriously and agreed that we must do something about it. That was two weeks ago! My excuse for sleeping in the spare room is so I can masturbate and maintain my health. He's basically ignored all of his health issues over the years and is pretty clueless about health (I'm teaching him about healthy eating, benefits of exercise, etc - he takes it all onboard, but doesn't actually do anything). I've always been pretty careful about my health, vegetarian wholefood eater, 30 years doing yoga, do everything in moderation. We're both mid fifties (he's a year younger than me) and thinks of himself as an old man, often having trouble standing up straight while I basically still think of myself as being able to do what I could in my teens, jumping around, running, playing in the playground, etc. I just tend to ignore the fact that I'm older - if I can't reach the top cabinet, I hop up on the kitchen counter whereas he has to ask me to bring in the firewood because his back is at risk if he carries it.


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## Amazon007 (Mar 21, 2015)

When you realize you haven't had sex in over 6 months.

When you can't remember the last time you kissed your wife.

When you used to think "Tonight! There is hope!" But now realize its as real as pigs flying not to the moon, but rather to the sun and back.

When you realize you can't remember the last time she said something positive towards you.

When you realize that when the baby is asleep, at night, its "her time" and NOT "us time."

When you realize that you begin to fantasizes about sex when filling your gas tank... Yep. 

Whenever you get close to her, she pushes you away, with a force that borderlines DV. 

--- Will add more later...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Time to re-read neuklas


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

........when you know the date of the last time you had sex .....and glances at any calendar have your eyes seeking out that 'anniversary' day ....and you're calculating how many months its been ....and how many days until another sexless month can be chalked up.



.......5 more sexless days will make it an even 15 sexless months.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

When you realize you can't remember the last time you thought maybe, just maybe, tonight we will end our dry spell.





When you read posts about difficulties folks still having sex are having in their sex lives, and it seems like they are speaking a different language and describing a different world.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

PieceOfSky said:


> When you realize you can't remember the last time you thought maybe, just maybe, tonight we will end our dry spell.
> 
> When you read posts about difficulties folks still having sex are having in their sex lives, and it seems like they are speaking a different language and describing a different world.


Yep, there are some of us who would welcome the opportunity to be having difficulties in our sex lives - it would mean that we still have a sex life.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

doobie said:


> Yep, there are some of us who would welcome the opportunity to be having difficulties in our sex lives - it would mean that we still have a sex life.



HI again Doobie. Sleep has help me analyze your situation more carefully.

In the beginning of your relationship, he was fun and charming to be with. He could be immature, but it was something you overlooked. When the marriage occurred, he changed and became a child figure. You were forced into the mommy role, and the sex has dropped off.

You see, marriage is a representation of maturity. It requires mature adults to be responsible and some of the fun of dating is taken away with the stress of daily life. Your husband transition into a child role instead of a husband. Like a mother, you take care of his daily need. He loves you, but you now symbolize his mother.

Really, you can tell him about this, and then stop doing everything for him. Let him clean, do not punish him like a child, detach. Live a separate life. Let him cook his oen meals, Only worry about feeding yourself. You get the picture, and if that does not work, escape with a plan. Well, start one now anyways. You need a back-up plan now, because your not sure or even guaranteed that he will change. Well, it is my educated guess anyways.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> HI again Doobie. Sleep has help me analyze your situation more carefully.
> 
> In the beginning of your relationship, he was fun and charming to be with. He could be immature, but it was something you overlooked. When the marriage occurred, he changed and became a child figure. You were forced into the mommy role, and the sex has dropped off.
> 
> ...


He doesn't clean - he barely washes from one week to the next (hasn't bathed for 10 days again now). I do lead a separate life to an extent, as much as I'm able working from home with him sitting round the house watching netflix. I spend most of my time when not doing chores around the house working at my desk in my bedroom (used to be the spare room). When I do have time to suit myself, I spend it in the garden doing one of the things I love best, growing things. As for the feeding plan - we've never eaten together. I'm a strict vegetarian/wholefood healthy eater and he eats only meat (which I won't handle), potatoes and bread so he cooks his own. I try to maintain regular mealtimes as I know it's healthier for me - however he eats as and when he feels like so we're already miles apart on that one and there's nothing noticeable I can do that would make a difference. Today he's spent most of the day in bed with backache so I've done the dishes, tidied up a little and then had to chop wood, fetch logs and make the fire (that's about the only regular chore he does) so that the house can be warm. I'm now catching up with some work as it's the end of week deadline for me.


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## Casinojade28 (Mar 30, 2015)

I am with you guys! My husband is clueless when it comes to sex. I want it all the time because I never get it. We will be celebrating our first anniversary in June and I can count on one hand how many times we have been intimate. I feel like I have tried everything in the book to no avail. I have talked with him and his reply is " all you think about is sex" 
I am broken hearted and severely frustrated with the situation. Oh and when we do have sex, it's just that! No foreplay.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Casinojade28 said:


> I am with you guys! My husband is clueless when it comes to sex. I want it all the time because I never get it. We will be celebrating our first anniversary in June and I can count on one hand how many times we have been intimate. I feel like I have tried everything in the book to no avail. I have talked with him and his reply is " all you think about is sex"
> I am broken hearted and severely frustrated with the situation. Oh and when we do have sex, it's just that! No foreplay.


I'm in the same situation as you, but married nearly 2.5 years - my advice would be "run for the hills" right now if you can afford it. The longer you stay together, the more of a sap it can be on your finances. Right now, I'm too broke to leave. Not sure how old you are, my H and I are in our mid fifties. Whatever age you are, if you can afford to do so, leave him - if not, start saving.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

A sure sign that you are in a sexless relationship is that you are up at 3 o'clock in the morning and wondering if you will ever experience sexual union with anyone other than yourself ever again.


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