# Hopeful or hopeless.....Please help.



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Hello everyone, I am new to this forum but am desperate for some insight and guidance from others who have or are going through what I'm going through. I am a soon to be divorced mother of 4 kids, ranging from 16 to 11. My husband and I have been together for over 24 years, married for 17. 

Our relationship has always been somewhat stressful for me, with a history of verbal abuse, some "light" physical abuse (nothing in the past 12 years), some inappropriate messaging with other women and a whole lot of selfishness on his behalf. 

Last August I received a message from his exgf (ex since 1986) saying that she has been having an affair with my husband on and off for years, apparently whenever he was back East. We live on the West Coast. He used to go back East a couple times a year for work, ranging from a couple weeks to a month. She also stated she was not the only one he has had an affair with. After some persuasion on my behalf he finally admitted that four years ago while he took the two older kids back east for a holiday he had a one night stand. However, he denies any relationship with his ex. He doesn't "believe" in EA's, so he feels there was nothing wrong with his talking to her for years and hiding it from me.

Our relationship was a wreck from the moment he came home from the vacation with the kids, he was argumentative, mean and pretty much moved into the spare bedroom. Even advertised it on Facebook "Sleeping in the basement". He started to stay out late after work, got off work at 11 and came home at 4am on more than a couple of occasions. He stated he was just driving some female friends home from the bar and got distracted talking to them. He would stay up late on the computer talking to other women, in a very supportive manner. Which was a total opposite to the way he would talk to me, our previous MC would tell him to be nicer to me. I found sexually explicit messages between him and his nephews wife, who is about 10 years younger than him. He again thinks that he did nothing wrong because he did not encourage this behavior or talk to her in that manner. I could go on listing other women he "chats" with, but for the sake of length I will say there were a few. All this was after his affair but before I found out.

After he admitted to the affair, and after I cooled down a lot, I discussed R with him. He seemed hesitant but agreed. I insisted total honesty and transparency, reluctantly he gave me his pw's. Well a couple weeks later he was back to chatting and lieing about it, saying he hadn't been on in over a week but a new message was opened from some new female chat friend. I confronted him and when he responded "oh well", to the fact of loosing me and his children, I initiated the divorce process. This was Oct 2010.

This whole situation has been very hard on the kids and while I am not responsible for my H's actions I feel extremely responsible for the hurt my kids are feeling. We tried R in May of this year but that didn't go too well when my husband picked me up from the hospital with Pneumonia and dropped me off at home, so he could go play baseball. This is less than an hour after his "I will be here for you, whatever you need, I love you" speech.

We have been talking again about R, but I'm so scared I'm having anxiety attack, fearing hes going to hurt me again. So to try and sum this all up, my question is...Is this me just being the optimistic one? Is there really a chance he can change, or am I just hopeful?

Many thanks in advance for all your time and input.


Side note: H has a history of depression and has been living in the house this whole time. We are mostly civil but have our moments, we try to keep it civil in front of the kids.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

This sounds awful. I am sorry you are here.

You are not at fault for the pain your husband chose to inflict on his children. He 100% responsible. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty! Forgiving a PA. Multiple EA.. 

Wow. makes me look like Attila the Hun [one EA/PA and I kicked her out]

You can only change your self my friend. There is no way to change him. He doesn't sound like he respects you. He sounds like he expects you to let him get away with it.. 

Me.. I would kick is ass out on the street!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It looks like all his affairs were swept under the rug and he has had no consequences. Start by reading and putting into practice the "180" 

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

This is to protect you and help build your confidence. If you do not reside in the same house do what is a Plan B cut out all communication with him , use an intermediary to facilitate any finacial or child discussions.

Catalog his affairs , contact each husband of the woman be has had affairs with and let them know including your nephew . Tell your parents and his. These suggestions are to protect you as he will lie, he is a serial adulterer and has no feeling for you

Sorry you are in this position, sadly such people do exist.

Be strong for youself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you for your input. You have both said what I have always felt, which is he has no feelings or respect for me. 

I have reached out and contacted my nephews family, although most the other women, if not all were single when he was chatting to them. Other than tearing the family apart, the only other consequence I have tried to implement was filing for divorce, which was final yesterday. Next step is to sell the house. 

I guess it/he truly is a lost cause.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I think you already knew the answer in your heart when you posted.
You tried, more than he has deserved. You are mourning the marriage you thought you had, and feel badly and hurt for your kids (more so than he does, apparently), but are doing them a favor by not having to go through this all again if you made yet another attempt at R and he once again failed due to his lack of respect for you and ability to put his family above his narcissistic needs. Pathetic, he doesn't deserve you. Onward to a better life for you!


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I added to this thread so others would have some back ground info to my question. My question is pretty simple with the possibility of a very complex answer. Is there any way to get someone to move out? My exh is still living in the basement and I can't take it anymore. His counselor told him that he needs to leave the house if I ask. The issue at hand is he thinks that having only $1000.00 a month to live off is too little. He thinks that living in the basement should be acceptable for me, but it just hurts too much to be around him. I have told him this many times before and the answers I get are either I should move out bc it's hurting me, or that it's not his fault I'm hurting bc only I am in control of my emotions.

I asked/told him to move out yesterday and gave him a deadline of November the 1. He thinks this is "punishment" for the things he has done. I have assured him that this is not punishment, just consequences to his choices. I have specifically chose that date bc I do not want him to be around the house when he has hand surgery on the 3rd of Nov. I'm not sure if it's just me being bitter, but he wasn't there for me when I had my surgery, so I don't want to be around when he has his surgery.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You're still eating what he's shoveling.

You're divorced. Divorced people don't live together. If your divorce decree gave you the house, then you throw his stuff on the lawn and change the locks.

And as for you evicting him being "punishment", it's not punishment. It's consequences. Actions have consequences. When a married man cheats on his wife repeatedly and unapologetically, that man gets to experience the joys of sending the bulk of his paycheck to his ex-wife and kids and learning to live on $1k/month and eat Ramen noodles like a 19 year-old. I don't blame him for not liking it, but you gave him ample opportunity to treat you like a wife and he wasn't interested.

If he still gives you a sob story, just say, "Oh well."


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You're still eating what he's shoveling.
> 
> You're divorced. Divorced people don't live together. If your divorce decree gave you the house, then you throw his stuff on the lawn and change the locks.
> 
> Easy peasy.


We did our own divorce with minimal input from a lawyer. Believe it or not were divorced but there is no decree on assets or liabilities. It has pretty much been a civil divorce, he even signed the papers stating adultery as the grounds of divorce. I am a little hesitant at pushing him too hard, he has offered to give me some of his share from the sale of the house so that I can buy a place for the kids closer to where we are. Without it I can only buy a place 30 min outside and all the kids will have to change schools. My 16 year old is really having a hard time with that thought. I'm only doing what is best for the kids at the moment, but it's getting to the point that I am going to have to start putting my needs before the kids.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here are the 180 degree rules



> 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)
> 
> So here's the list:
> 
> ...


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

morituri said:


> Here are the 180 degree rules[/QUOTE
> 
> Morituri forgive my lack of understanding, but am I to do the 180 while still sharing the house and give up on trying to get him to move out? I have been trying to follow it as best I can. It can be a little hard when we have to share some of the same living area, our basement is not suited.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

always_hopefull, the 180 degrees rules are an emotional empowerment tool NOT a manipulation tool to get your cheating husband to end his affair (if he has or has not) and to commit to do the heavy lifting of marital recovery.* Its purpose is to make you emotionally strong to the point where you will eventually be able to move on with your life with or without your husband.*. In situations where the spouse is fence sitting, the cheating spouse takes notice of the pulling away of the betrayed spouse, panics and tries to bring back his/her spouse but this is ONLY a side effect and does not happen in all situations.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask me here or via PM.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

always_hopefull said:


> We did our own divorce with minimal input from a lawyer. Believe it or not were divorced but there is no decree on assets or liabilities. It has pretty much been a civil divorce, he even signed the papers stating adultery as the grounds of divorce. I am a little hesitant at pushing him too hard, he has offered to give me some of his share from the sale of the house so that I can buy a place for the kids closer to where we are. Without it I can only buy a place 30 min outside and all the kids will have to change schools. My 16 year old is really having a hard time with that thought. I'm only doing what is best for the kids at the moment, but it's getting to the point that I am going to have to start putting my needs before the kids.


If there's no decree, then he has every right to live in his house. If you want him out, you need to go to court and get a property decree the right way. So I think you need to put up or shut up.

Since you're on the West coast, you're probably in a community property state. That means that, if you bought the house while married, you're entitled to 50% of the proceeds. Don't let your ex husband cheat you out of what he owes you and your kids after he cheated you out of your marriage.


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