# Please read...I am totally lost with how husband is acting



## lostinthis1 (Feb 21, 2018)

Good Morning

I know this is going to be long, but I am totally lost and really feel like I am alone. So if you have time and maybe some advice please read. Thanks. If you have read my previous posts you will know I have always struggled with my husband/stepson/son situation. Now my son and stepson are both 17 and about ready to go off to college. I thought my son was on the right path. He was getting good grades, working, ect. 

However he has started to hang out with some friends in the past year and his grades have fallen, he has lost a job, but has found another. His attitude is crap. His school counselor had asked about drugs. I do not feel he is doing drugs, drinking maybe. He has been accepted to a college he has wanted to go to and I really don’t want him to blow it in this last year. I worry 24/7 about him and his future. He sticks to curfew, and does have a job now. 

Some people say he is being a typical 17 year old boy. However my stepson- he does work now, but has no friends so he does not go out or do anything else. He is focused on his college and grades which is good. But I have to hear him and my husband talk about that ALL the time and I feel like they are rubbing it in my face (not intentionally) but my husband knows what I am going through with my son. How worried I am and my husband has no worries with his son because he is his only one and his mom has always done everything for him.

So my husband sits back and takes the credit. I have 2 other older kids. One is on drugs, and the other I worry about also. So typically I feel like a failure. My kids dad is not really in the picture. It has gotten so bad the past week I have almost overdosed myself. My husband said to me last night “its not that bad..lets get over it, its ruining our week”. He really has no clue what I am going through. I can barely make it through a day at work. My son says he hates it at home. Pretty much because of my husband and his son. I have told my son he always comes first, and is he was truly not happy then we would leave. 

Then things go ok for awhile then go back to being terrible. Is this normal behavior for a 17 year old boy? He never really had friends growing up, now that he has a lot of them, I think they are more important. Which I understand. Maybe I worry to much about his future. Even his school counselor said he is a very smart kid. To cut him some slack. When I try to my husband get upset. I am so irritated with my husband for some reason. I cannot stand to look or talk to him. 

He’ll say to me “don’t get mad at me, I didn’t do anything” which is true but makes me angry. I feel like he likes the fact that my son might fail because he has always disliked him and is taking so much pride in his son because he knows how much his son irritates me. Its hard to explain. I am happy for his son. I just feel like its kind of a “ha ha” thing. 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I see a lot of issues here that can be addressed. One, you need to go to your doctor and tell him how overwhelmed you feel and ask for help. Maybe temporary antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. Just to get you through this period.

Two, how much conversation do you have with your son? Do you ever do anything together, go for a hamburger or something, ask him about his plans, see how things are going? That might be a great opportunity for you to show him some insight into why it's smart to stay on that path to college or even vocational school; explain what it looks like when someone else isn't paying your bills. Most kids don't understand all the little things you have to pay for. Maybe describe how much money he's going to need next year when he's on his own. We had a rule for ours: once you graduate, if you stay at home, you will either be working and paying rent or going to school full time. Make sure he's aware of that. 

Three, what's wrong with your marriage? I'm not quite sure. It's clear you don't feel safe having real conversations with him. Did you ever? Marriages nearly always fail without safe, honest conversation. Start looking at ways to fix that. Being irritated with him is a symptom of something else. I'm irritated with mine all the time because we have a 2-page list of things that need fixed on the house and he just won't take care of any of it - basically, he is ignoring my #1 Emotional Need (cared-for home). So I lose love and get irritated. So I'm working on my ability to have honest conversations with him: "I'm losing my love for you because you won't prioritize my needs."

Figure out what it is that's off in your marriage and address it. A good first step, assuming you two have a decent relationship, is to TELL him what you feel about him and his son, see what you need to do about it.

Is your husband abusive to you or your son? Overbearing? Unfair? This is an important question. By telling your son that you would leave if he wasn't unhappy, and then you not leaving when he was clearly unhappy, you've created a bit of a mess all around. So let's get to the bottom of what's really going on there, ok?

PS: please break your posts into paragraphs moving forward, it's really hard for us to read big blocks of text like that.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Your relationship sounds a bit toxic, you're angry at your husband for things going well for him, and he doesn't seem to be empathetic. You two need to get on the same team. Can you sons team up, maybe your son can help his stepbrother with a social life and maybe your stepson can help your son keep focused on school. It's probably good your son is having some struggles now so he can learn to find a balance between school and friends now before going to college where that issue can spin out of control. Hold your son accountable for his school work, don't coddle him at all. Being responsible and have good priorities will be important to the rest of his life. If he is not handling things responsibly maybe he shouldn't be hanging out with his friends too much until his grades improve. 

Now, what the hell is up with the "I have almost overdosed myself"? On what? It sounds like you are overwhelmed by all the issues with your kids which could be crippling you from dealing with any of it. Your mental state is my biggest concern, if you can't think clearly and act firmly you not going to be effective in dealing with anything. It's like preparing for a plane crash, you're instructed to get your own mask on before helping those around you, you might need to use this logic here.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It is totally unfair to put your son and step-son in competition. You also seem to be competing with your husband for best parent. Your insecurities and possible depression are affecting everyone. 

Work on yourself in therapy so that you become a stronger, more stable person. Listen to school counselors. Seventeen year olds are vulnerable. Become a safer place for your family.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

This reads to me like the problem is your insecurity and jealousy - not your husband or anyone else. Seek outside help/counseling. (for you - not them)


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## lostinthis1 (Feb 21, 2018)

You guys are good at this. Thanks so much. I think I really needed to hear all of that. 
I am sorry my post was so all over the place. As you could tell I was venting. 

My son and step-son do not get along. Never have. I think it would be great if they did help each other out, but they cannot even stand to be in the same room. They have a few classes together and believe me that's enough. 

When I said I almost "overdosed" a few days ago...my doctor has prescribed me valium for when my step-son is over (which is ever other week/weekend) so I took way to many. I am also on a anti-depressant and a anxiety pill. I have upped my own does of all of these in the past month. I told my husband I seriously felt like driving my jeep into a tree yesterday. I think it is more a cry for help, and he ignored it until he was yelling at me last night about how I am acting and how its ruining everything. How everyone else is out on Halloween having a good time and we are stuck stressing about all this. I told him I am sorry if what I am going through ruined his day. 

I do have consequence for my son and his grade. Last week he had a D, I told him he had a week to get it up or his truck was gone. Its now up to a C. He goes through these cycles. Like today he is home "sick" . I think from being out with his friends last night. 

I cannot talk to mu husband about my son or step-son without an argument starting. In fact I was just thinking about buying my son a thick comforter for his room cause there is no real heater in there. I know if I brought that up, my husband would say "what about his son"? or "really? he doesn't need that, he can leave his door open" 
Its stuff like that, that irritates me. 

Thanks again for the replies


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## lostinthis1 (Feb 21, 2018)

Well not those two posts.. yes I am depressed. Insecure. No. I tell my husband ALL the time to go do things with his son, that I am happy for his son. So no. you have that wrong. I am depressed about my situation. yes. My husband spends no time his son. That's not on me.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well, your son might be going through a phase (hopefully). 
many kids rebel and reject the 'formula' that society tells us we must do.
he's not that unusual in this.

however, it could go either way. some rebellious kids get it together and become successful in life and others don't.
success and good grades don't always translate to happiness in adulthood.
my sister was a major rebel. we thought she would end up in jail or on the street, but she became a big success in her life and accomplished many things.
same with my kid brother.

keep steering him in the right direction. keep disciplining him. be patient and don't give up.
encourage what he's good at.
20 years down the road, he just might turn out to be happier than the honor kid. 
but it's not a competition and your husband sounds like he's being a weenie face.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think you should probably deal with your son and your husband should deal with his. Stay out of deal with each others. At this point it's nothing but a wedge between you two and fighting about it isn't going to help. 

On your son, If my son was getting D's or even C's he would certainly not be going out on a school night with friends. You are in college prep at this point. He needs to learn there is a time and place for partying and school is more important than the partying. When he is off to college he needs to be hard wired to have the proper priorities or he is going to end up with bigger problems. He will have serious competition for good jobs getting out of college, showing up to interviews with a 2.0 GPA isn't going to do the job. If he is only going to do the minimum to pass he might as well not bother spending the money on school. Your son may be old enough to look like a man but he is still a boy whose brain is developing and he is forming work habits and a work ethic that will be with him for the rest of his life. I would lay down the law, anything less than a B anywhere on a report car means no freedom on the weekdays. Really no matter what he should have a strict curfew during the week. Kids will get away with what you let them get away with, and if given the proper motivation they will rise to the task usually. Don't let any guilt you might have over him being unhappy with your husband cause you to let really important stuff slide. 

Our rule in the house is when they get home the first thing to get done is homework. If there is added stuff they can do for extra credit, they do that, i don't care if it's not required, if there's an opportunity to get better grades and learn a little more then it's required by us. Doesn't matter to me if all their friends are going to the cafe after school on Wednesday, nothing else happens during the week until school stuff is done and done well. If he has straight As the leash gets a little longer but we still have a grip on it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You should really not be jerking around with your medication dosing on your own. Many anti-depression meds can have the opposite effect in larger doses, with the wrong combinations, or a mix thereof. Check with your doctor, he should have no reason to want you to suffer so he'll steer you in the right direction.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the doctor.
Talk to a lawyer to see what separation would look like. 
Talk to your son.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

One thing I do observe is that you tend to be more reactive than proactive. A D doesn't come out of nowhere. Rather than wait until his grade is a D and then take the car, why not have requirements about study time and school night curfews to PREVENT the D?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lostinthis1 said:


> Good Morning
> I know this is going to be long, but I am totally lost and really feel like I am alone. So if you have time and maybe some advice please read. Thanks. If you have read my previous posts you will know I have always struggled with my husband/stepson/son situation. Now my son and stepson are both 17 and about ready to go off to college. I thought my son was on the right path. He was getting good grades, working, ect. However he has started to hang out with some friends in the past year and his grades have fallen, he has lost a job, but has found another. His attitude is crap. His school counselor had asked about drugs. I do not feel he is doing drugs, drinking maybe. He has been accepted to a college he has wanted to go to and I really don’t want him to blow it in this last year. I worry 24/7 about him and his future. He sticks to curfew, and does have a job now. Some people say he is being a typical 17 year old boy. However my stepson- he does work now, but has no friends so he does not go out or do anything else. He is focused on his college and grades which is good. But I have to hear him and my husband talk about that ALL the time and I feel like they are rubbing it in my face (not intentionally) but my husband knows what I am going through with my son. How worried I am and my husband has no worries with his son because he is his only one and his mom has always done everything for him. So my husband sits back and takes the credit. I have 2 other older kids. One is on drugs, and the other I worry about also. So typically I feel like a failure. My kids dad is not really in the picture. It has gotten so bad the past week I have almost overdosed myself. My husband said to me last night “its not that bad..lets get over it, its ruining our week”. He really has no clue what I am going through. I can barely make it through a day at work. My son says he hates it at home. Pretty much because of my husband and his son. I have told my son he always comes first, and is he was truly not happy then we would leave. Then things go ok for awhile then go back to being terrible. Is this normal behavior for a 17 year old boy? He never really had friends growing up, now that he has a lot of them, I think they are more important. Which I understand. Maybe I worry to much about his future. Even his school counselor said he is a very smart kid. To cut him some slack. When I try to my husband get upset. I am so irritated with my husband for some reason. I cannot stand to look or talk to him. He’ll say to me “don’t get mad at me, I didn’t do anything” which is true but makes me angry.* I feel like he likes the fact that my son might fail because he has always disliked him and is taking so much pride in his son because he knows how much his son irritates me. *Its hard to explain. I am happy for his son. I just feel like its kind of a “ha ha” thing.
> Thanks for taking the time to read this.


Why in the world would you stay married to a man who doesn't like your son?? I could ask the same question of your husband! No kid should have to live in a home with a step parent who doesn't like them or resents them! What a toxic environment the two of you have created!

And yes, most of your son's behavior is pretty typical for a 17 year old boy.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why in the world would you stay married to a man who doesn't like your son?? I could ask the same question of your husband! No kid should have to live in a home with a step parent who doesn't like them or resents them! What a toxic environment the two of you have created!
> 
> And yes, most of your son's behavior is pretty typical for a 17 year old boy.


I cannot fathom even CONSIDERING marrying someone who didn't like my child, or when my child and their child couldn't stand each other!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

lostinthis1 said:


> Good Morning
> I know this is going to be long, but I am totally lost and really feel like I am alone. So if you have time and maybe some advice please read. Thanks. If you have read my previous posts you will know I have always struggled with my husband/stepson/son situation. Now my son and stepson are both 17 and about ready to go off to college. I thought my son was on the right path. He was getting good grades, working, ect. However he has started to hang out with some friends in the past year and his grades have fallen, he has lost a job, but has found another. His attitude is crap. His school counselor had asked about drugs. I do not feel he is doing drugs, drinking maybe. He has been accepted to a college he has wanted to go to and I really don’t want him to blow it in this last year. I worry 24/7 about him and his future. He sticks to curfew, and does have a job now. Some people say he is being a typical 17 year old boy. However my stepson- he does work now, but has no friends so he does not go out or do anything else. He is focused on his college and grades which is good. But I have to hear him and my husband talk about that ALL the time and I feel like they are rubbing it in my face (not intentionally) but my husband knows what I am going through with my son. How worried I am and my husband has no worries with his son because he is his only one and his mom has always done everything for him. So my husband sits back and takes the credit. I have 2 other older kids. One is on drugs, and the other I worry about also. So typically I feel like a failure. My kids dad is not really in the picture. It has gotten so bad the past week I have almost overdosed myself. My husband said to me last night “its not that bad..lets get over it, its ruining our week”. He really has no clue what I am going through. I can barely make it through a day at work. My son says he hates it at home. Pretty much because of my husband and his son. I have told my son he always comes first, and is he was truly not happy then we would leave. Then things go ok for awhile then go back to being terrible. Is this normal behavior for a 17 year old boy? He never really had friends growing up, now that he has a lot of them, I think they are more important. Which I understand. Maybe I worry to much about his future. Even his school counselor said he is a very smart kid. To cut him some slack. When I try to my husband get upset. I am so irritated with my husband for some reason. I cannot stand to look or talk to him. He’ll say to me “don’t get mad at me, I didn’t do anything” which is true but makes me angry. I feel like he likes the fact that my son might fail because he has always disliked him and is taking so much pride in his son because he knows how much his son irritates me. Its hard to explain. I am happy for his son. I just feel like its kind of a “ha ha” thing.
> Thanks for taking the time to read this.


First, try to use paragraphs when you post, it helps us read it. 

Now some will disagree with me. I understand how important your son is, and I am not saying that you should or should not be concerned about him. 

But it is not a competition between you and your husband about raising your kids, and I feel like you are making it such, wrong idea...

Second, your son is 17 and you basically cannot control him, you can encourage, you can suggest but you cannot control. 

At some point you have to let go. 

Third, you married your husband, and if he is not abusive to your child then you need to focus on him. You chose to get married, and like I tell every married person, that marriage relationship should come first. I know people disagree but it is a fact as far as I am concerned. 

Let your son live, if he gets out of line, talk to him, if he gets too out of line, kick him out of the house. 

Treat him like an adult and stop being a helicopter mom, it make young men weak and you don't want that. 

You need to let go, to an extent...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your husband being angry that the two of you were at home talking about problems on Halloween night instead of going out and having fun (like he thought everyone else was doing) is a red flag to me.

Who cares what everyone else is doing? His spouse is hurting and a loving spouse would want to talk if the marriage is in trouble and that is part of the reason the spouse is hurting.

What kind of marriage do you think you have? Do you believe that your marriage is a good one, or is contributing to your stress?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Your husband being angry that the two of you were at home talking about problems on Halloween night instead of going out and having fun (like he thought everyone else was doing) is a red flag to me.
> 
> Who cares what everyone else is doing? His spouse is hurting and a loving spouse would want to talk if the marriage is in trouble and that is part of the reason the spouse is hurting.
> 
> What kind of marriage do you think you have? Do you believe that your marriage is a good one, or is contributing to your stress?


This would depend upon how often it happens. I am an empathetic person, but if someone is upset and sad and wants to hash it all out every stinking day.....I'd get tired. Some people have a crisis three times a week, and they are exhausting to live with.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you tell us a little bit about your marriage? How long have you been married? And why do you want to stay married? From what you've been saying, it sounds like it might be a lot easier to be single. Just the way you two act towards each other is going to make everything really prickly. Throw in children issues on top of that and there's going to be a lot of disagreements going on.

You son does sound like a normal 17-year-old. So does your step-son. Some kids like school, some kids don't. They're both normal kids. Obviously it's a lot easier on the parents when the kids do well in school, but doing well in school isn't everything. For some kids, school is not the right fit. But what is important is making the child feel loved and important. There's a saying like "You can't judge a fish by how well it rides a bicycle." Just because a kid does poorly in school doesn't mean they'll do poorly in life. It probably means he will find his own path rather than doing college and office job. Maybe he'll be in a band, or be a carpenter making furniture, or be a ski instructor, or whatever. But what often happens is that the kid does poorly in school and everyone tells him that he has to do well in school or he won't be worth anything. So while you should encourage him to do well in school, make it very clear that you're doing so because you love him and want the best for him.


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