# 2 months too soon to ask questions?



## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

My husband left 8 weeks ago. We have been in contact, though not talking much (in my opinion) about our relationship. I took him on several dates, he came over to watch some movies, so we have spent some time together (it probably works out to about once per week).

Yesterday, I called him to ask about where our separation was headed. (I think this was only the 2nd time I had called him since he left.) He didn't really know how to respond, and said that he hadn't made any decisions. He is enjoying living alone, feels more relaxed (no sneaking around to keep his EA going), and hasn't felt lonely (he has tons of friends). The overall verdict was that he didn't want to work on the marriage right now, but he might in the future.

Does anyone know what that means?

It is clear to me now that he has lots of hostility and negative feelings towards me, apparently two months apart hasn't given him any perspective on that. I've been taking a fresh start approach, and thought that I had been fairly positive in all my communication with him. I don't feel like I deserve all the negativity, and since he won't go to counseling, I think he'll just focus on all the negative thoughts and not realize that things could be better between us.

I've decided to stop contact with him. I'm not sure how well that will work (if I can really not have any contact for, say, a month), but I think it will be best for me. I'm generally okay with everything and being separated, until I have conversations like yesterday that leave me wondering what I did to deserve this.

Was 2 months too soon to start asking questions? I didn't want final answers, just the general direction he was leaning towards. People have been asking me how it's going, and I want to know what direction to take my therapy. I have nothing to do but wait (I'm going on with my life, but not in a way that would jeoprodize the marriage), so was it stupid to ask questions?

For those of you who are "working on the marrige" - how soon did you start after separation? Is it normal/reasonable for him to not know if he wants to work on it yet?


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

I would say it is too soon...I am not separated in a physical sense, but emotionally we are. It has been 2 months for us & he still wont discuss our marrige & if i attempt to, all his negativity and blame on me just surfaces.

good luck to you...i know how bad it hurts...especially the indecisive waiting


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

Thanks picabu. The thing is, he's supposed to have been "thinking" about whether or not he wanted to be married for a year now! I think I need to accept that he never intended the separation to be temporary.

I saw a post of yours on another thread, and I think our situations are similar. I think my lack of sex drive REALLY messed him up - he thinks I was never attracted to him, never wanted him - no matter how much I try to convince him otherwise. He never brought it up though, he didn't want the confrontation. He waited until I had a problem with him to throw our sex life back at me. If he had brought it up on his own, maybe things would have been different (he believes otherwise). He said he was depressed before he left, and now he says he doesn't think he is. I feel horrible thinking that I am the one who caused his depression.

I suddenly got a sex drive a little over a year ago. I don't think he believes it is real, and probably thinks it's just an attempt to get him to stay (not like he'd actually tell me his feelings).


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

al_in_al said:


> Yesterday, I called him to ask about where our separation was headed. (I think this was only the 2nd time I had called him since he left.) He didn't really know how to respond, and said that he hadn't made any decisions. He is enjoying living alone, feels more relaxed (no sneaking around to keep his EA going), and hasn't felt lonely (he has tons of friends). The overall verdict was that he didn't want to work on the marriage right now, but he might in the future.
> 
> Does anyone know what that means?


 
I wish I knew what to tell you. I've been putting up with the same thing for a year now. Honestly I quit even attempting to talk to him about US. That was in January and here it is almost April. Things are still just like they were a year ago. My counselor and I have discussed this a lot. She told me to give him until January. If at that time he still didn't know what he wanted or wasn't willing to discuss OUR future, I should probably move on. And that's what I've done. I've even started dating. I never call him either. None of this seems to bother him...... I just quit letting his bizarre stuff bother me!


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

I was the one that physically left our relationship, so I can tell you what it was like for me. We've been married almost 12 years. I left 10 months ago and it took me that long to get over my anger and dislike for him. It 'hit' me about 2 weeks ago that I wanted my marriage to work. We went out for the first time as a couple this past weekend.

So my point is.... for me, 2 months would have been way to soon for me to talk to him 'about us'. Everyone will have their own time frame. Give him some time to figure out what he wants. My spouse gave me time. It probably will end up being the thing that saves our marriage. During the last 10 months he was always kind and respectful. It was more than I expected because this was not what our relationship was like when we were together.

Good luck to you and your husband!


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

It's been three months for me and my wife is still "on the fence". I have not given her any ultimatums but sure would like to know something. I'm going to a counselor on a regular basis, we still have sex often and are going on dates as well. But whenever the subject of us arises all she can say is " I don't know". My feelings are she has her cake and is eating it to, maybe I should quit giving in so easy.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

MrsConfused - I am glad to hear that you are willing to work on things with your husband after 10 months! I think a difference between you and my husband is that he DOES want to be single and he thinks that dating other people "sounds interesting".

I wonder if I leave him alone completely, will that just push him towards a new relationship?

Sirch - I feel like I've been giving in too easily too. I'm now starting to get mad at him, which should help me stop that. 

Unfortunately my counselor is very busy and all I've had was the initial session. I'm looking forward to seeing her next week and hopefully more frequently after that.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

THE LONGEST h AND I SPLIT WAS FOR 10 MONTHS.
YOU WANT DECISIONS, BUT YOU REALLY WONT GET THEM AND THE MORE YOU CHASE. HE KNOWS THERE IS SOMEONE THERE, LIKE YOUR HIS ESCAPE ROUTE.
MY SUGGESTION BUT FROM EXPERIENCE. TOTALLY LEAVE IT AS HARD AS IT IS.
IF YOU TAKE AWAY HIS ESCAPE THAT YOUR NOT THERE AND MOVING ON YOURSELF. YOU ARE KEEPING YOURSELF DANGLING. AND HE DANGLES YOU THEN WHEN HE WANTS YOU.

PERSONALLY DO WHAT HES DOING. ENJOY SOME FREEDOM, TIME APART AND FIND YOURSELF AGAIN.

YOU COULD GET BACK IN THE FUTURE. BUT HE ISNT READY TO MAKE A DECISION BECAUSE HES STIL VERY CONFUSED ABOUT WHERE HIS LIFE IS MEANT TO BE. BY NOT MAKING DECISIONS ALSO, AT THE BACK OF HIS MIND, HES ALSO UNSURE WHETHER TO LET YOU GO OR NOT.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

al in al,

are you sure we are not married to the same azz???? (lol) 
My husband doesn't beleive my drive is back either & now he is just plain cold & mean sometimes. I know he is bitter as he always says "I F_ _ _ _ED up our marriage". He doesn't want to assume any of the blame. Let's keep track of how long it takes for each of our husbands to come around & admit they still want to work our marriages out or we decide they just aren't worth the effort any longer. dead pool anyone????? (lol)

Mrs Confused,

10 MONTHS.... WOW.... that's a lot of agony...i am glad to hear that time does heal wounds...you have given me hope!!!! maybe i can endure this & my outcome will be positive like yours...i hope i can be as strong as your husband to hold out that long. Did you give him a hard road back in retaliation sort of speaking? you have given me hope!!!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

justean said:


> THE LONGEST h AND I SPLIT WAS FOR 10 MONTHS.
> YOU WANT DECISIONS, BUT YOU REALLY WONT GET THEM AND THE MORE YOU CHASE. HE KNOWS THERE IS SOMEONE THERE, LIKE YOUR HIS ESCAPE ROUTE.
> MY SUGGESTION BUT FROM EXPERIENCE. TOTALLY LEAVE IT AS HARD AS IT IS.
> IF YOU TAKE AWAY HIS ESCAPE THAT YOUR NOT THERE AND MOVING ON YOURSELF. YOU ARE KEEPING YOURSELF DANGLING. AND HE DANGLES YOU THEN WHEN HE WANTS YOU.
> ...


:iagree:

After what I've gone thru over the past 12 months, I believe you are right on target!


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## MrsConfused (Mar 20, 2009)

picabu said:


> al in al,
> 
> Mrs Confused,
> 
> 10 MONTHS.... WOW.... that's a lot of agony...i am glad to hear that time does heal wounds...you have given me hope!!!! maybe i can endure this & my outcome will be positive like yours...i hope i can be as strong as your husband to hold out that long. Did you give him a hard road back in retaliation sort of speaking? you have given me hope!!!!


No, no hard road back. We have been nice to each other since day 1. There was 1 time we almost started to have a disagreement, about day 3 into the separation, but just as I started to say something back, I realized he was hurting and it just didn't seem important enough to prove to him he was wrong in what he said. And who knows... maybe he wasn't wrong... I can't remember... must have not been important. I really think I'll be picking my battles carefully from now on. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anyone's doormat, I just want to make sure that whatever causes a disagreement is really worth the effort.


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## WhatNow37 (Mar 30, 2009)

Hi,
I have been separated for two weeks now. My husband and yours are the same. We have not spoken on the phone since March 17. We text each other, the last I text him was last thursday. He text me saturday and sunday, I did not respond to him. He emailed me today about the rent he will pay, I replied only speaking of the rent. I think your feelings are normal. I wanted answers right away. You have the right to know where you stand. I am waiting to, but not for long. He is enjoying living alone, but he left to see if there is something he is missing. He cheated on me on two occassions that I know of . I hope it works out for you and just as he has a right to not talk about things you have the right to know when you will.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

Thanks everyone! I'm going to try to not let his indecision bother me.

I guess my plan now is to still be cordial on the 'business' side of things and not completely ignore him - let him know when he has mail, request his half of the cell bill, etc. But no more back and forth email. And when he has to come over to get the mail or whatever, I will try my hardest not to be here. Before, I never sat around waiting for him, but I do tend to be home a lot. Certainly no more dates and no more sex!


I know this sounds crazy, but what do y'all think about a trial separation for me and our cats?!

We have no kids, but two cats that we got when we moved in together. He really wanted the first one, sob story about his parents never letting him have a pet. I am a cat lover, but our agreement was that he had litter duty always and forever. Now that he left, the cats are still at the house with me, and I have taken over litter duty and I absolutely hate it. Yuck. I know that if we divorce, the default plan is that we each take a cat. But, I would like to see what it is like living without the cats, maybe I'll want him to take both. Plus, I have no one to watch them when I leave town (except him), while he has a whole list of people to ask.

Should I ask him, or is it just too crazy? I would wait at least another month to talk about this, and ask him to take them for just a month. He probably won't like the idea (first of all because I'm sure he has a lot of exposed computer wires he won't be able to close a door on, secondly I'm sure he's used to being cat-hair free), but maybe I'm wrong. I'm pretty sure he got a place where pets are allowed. Is it fair to let me have my separation, too?


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

Okay, I guess I'm rounding out week one of "no contact", but there has been some contact. *This is harder than I thought!*

First of all, he hasn't known until right now that I'm trying to have some space, too. He just texted me to ask me out to lunch. He has NEVER wanted to text me (saving his 200 texts for his friends, I've only had a cell for 3 months). And since the sep, he hasn't asked me out to lunch. It was SO HARD to turn him down. But texting is so "special" I do feel I had to respond to him. And I told him that I want my space too. Maybe I should have acted like I was busy/don't care about him, but I couldn't do it.

Thursday we had storms in the area, and he called me to warn me about traffic on the drive home. I answered because I was shaken up from just having driven in bad conditions, and we talked for a few minutes. Afterwards he emailed me about "storm sex", and I turned him down. (I tried to ignore it, but he sent me a text telling me to check my email!) He sent two other emails (nothing important) that I ignored.

Tuesday he came over to pick up mail - it was a replacement credit card, so I couldn't ignore it. He came over almost right away after I told him, which is unusual (probably because it was a credit card, important to him). It was later in the evening, so I didn't leave (probably should have). Before he came, I went to my room and mostly closed the door, which we always did when we wanted privacy when people were visiting. He came up to the bedroom anyway. Stayed while he tried to activate his card, I just kept reading my book. I responded a little, but did not ask questions or chat like I usually would do.

He responded that "he understood" about me wanting space. I hope he's not angry/upset and really does understand. But of course I can't tell. It figures that the week I decide to not do anything with him, he decides to do all the things I want! Maybe you'll say that means it's working, but I think it's just a coincidence. I'm curious about when he'll contact me again.

Meanwhile, I'm planning a vacation next month with a friend I haven't seen for a few years. I'm totally excited about it!


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