# i think he loves me, unsure if he lusts me



## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

Im trying to forgive.. i dont bring up the EA he had.. I'v stopped asking questions, we rarely fight any more. He seems to be truthful .
He is very understanding when i have down days, and reassures me when i do.. he offers his phone, lap top when ever i have doubts..He says he knows it will take time for me to totally forgive him, and is willing to reassure me whenever its needed..
so why do i still have doubts... why do i think he might be still doing something behind my back...
research says if they cheat once they will cheat again...
he promises me he will never ever do it again. and i do believe him. his eyes tell me, his body tells me.. 

when we do have sex and make love its great, its fullfilling its plain, its kinky, its all of the above at the same time .
YET
im not sure that he is actually in lust with me...
I feel that because of his past, why wont he make an extra effort to make me feel special... to sext (text) me ... to chase me...or tell me what he wants to do to me... like he did with the people on DS . I generally initiate .. i have a very high sex drive.. 
rarely am i not up for it... and again really enjoy when we do.. 
i really need him to ravish me..to want me...not to beg for it...but to show that he wants me..


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

peacem said:


> Hi xsgandyx
> 
> Did he used to ravish you and show desire before the EA? You don't say how long it has been, and it doesn't really matter other than when things hit rock bottom and trust has been broken it takes a long time to build that up. Sometimes you have to go back to the beginning and start again. You are not really over the issues from the past (even if you have days when you think you are). Would you both consider counseling - together and separately?
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I sometimes think husbands hold back their sexual passion with their wives because they can't see their wives in that role. Sort of like the Madonna/Wh0re -Light. I also think some of these men just don't get it. Cluelessness kills passion. They just don't get passion. It's like they have to be taught, by their wives, what passion is, what it looks like, how to do it etc...

I wanted the same thing from my husband. I wanted him to be passionate about me, to passionately want me, to passionately pursue me. Instead he was tentative, hesitant, mild mannered, and worst of all PASSIVE!

How do you tell your husband he is too passive? Be blunt and to the point. "Your passive approach makes me feel like you don't really care that much. Your passive approach makes me feel like it's not ME you want but just a bit of sex to ease the tension. Passivity to me means a lack of passion and passion mean true desire. I want to feel your true desire. I want to feel your passion for me."

You want your husband to get in your space, back you up against the wall, grab your hands and hold them above your head with one hand while his other hands does naughty and delicious things to your body as he growls in your ear about what he is going to do to you once he gets you naked. Instead you get a sweet peck on the cheek and a reminder that he needs to get gas for the lawnmower as he roles over to sleep.

My husband was perplexed about how to be passionate, how to be passionately into me, how to show me his passion. Which made me think he didn't have any passion to begin with.

I told my husband I wanted him to be sexually dominant. I explained what that meant to me. This was NOT something he was comfortable with at first. I told him I wanted him to rag doll me, to get in my space forcefully... He started doing those things. I sent him links about sexually dominating that he didn't read, at first. It took a while, like a year of me really trying to get him to be more dominant.

Sometimes I would make moves to have sex while we were in bed and then I'd "change my mind" and say "naw, changed me mind." Id move away laughing, challenging him to pursue-which he did.

Sometimes I would playfully pick a fight. Smiling and laughing the whole time so he knew I wasn't really mad. This was his cue to "get back at me" and get in my space and force me to settle down.

Sometimes I would lead him on all day and then when we got in bed I start hitting him with my pillow telling him to move over I need more space in the bed.

These were all ploys to get him to up the physicality of leading up to sex. And they worked.

Now here we are two years after I first asked him to sexually dominate me and he has got it down like a pro. I don't have to use those ploys, I don't have to ask to be rag dolled. The other night after sex he grinned and said he liked that he could just toss my body around and put me in any position he wanted. 

It takes a while and yes you do have to suck it up and explain and ask and demonstrate and all those things because decent men have been taught to treat their wives with respect at all times and if they show passion it might look like disrespect. Decent men do not want to disrespect their wives because they love them.

But decent men make the very best dominating lovers!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP

So unresolved self esteem issues as a result of your husband's wandering eye. That's natural enough.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Anon Pink

That is a very good post.

I am curious about how their past sex life was though. If she had with held in the past she may have conditioned him to be passive. In my case every time I tried to reach into the cookie jar my hand was slapped. I then started passively reaching into the jar hoping to avoid that slap. I learned when to with draw my hand before it was slapped which has now turned into me no longer initiating unless she has made it clear that she won't slap my hand.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Always Learning said:


> Anon Pink
> 
> That is a very good post.
> 
> I am curious about how their past sex life was though. If she had with held in the past she may have conditioned him to be passive. In my case every time I tried to reach into the cookie jar my hand was slapped. I then started passively reaching into the jar hoping to avoid that slap. I learned when to with draw my hand before it was slapped which has now turned into me no longer initiating unless she has made it clear that she won't slap my hand.


I withheld. I turned him away for many years! We were technically sexless for probably the first 10 years or so. The second ten years began with me getting my head on straight and dealing with my past, learning to be sexual, learning to embrace and own my sexuality, my sexual self. The last ten years, (we will have our 30th anniversary next week) have been made up of us expanding our sexuality together and fixing some things that kept us disconnected. It was touch and go for a while and I lost hope several times.

So yes, my husband's tentative or passive approach to sex was very much a product of our sexless years. His emotional distance, however, was his to own and deal with. 

I thought fixing our sex life would fix our emotional connection. I was wrong. I thought asking him to be more dominant would address his passive approach to our relationship, relying on me to identify and make appropriate changes or "edicts" about how things will be. I was wrong again. 

A broken sex life is complicated and no one can say follow these steps and you'll get laid like tile. People are complicated.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

peacem said:


> No. More selfishness on your part is required.
> 
> Last year I took some naked pics of myself to send to my H. When he saw them his response was 'what have you done that for? You better delete them before anyone sees them...'. When I got upset at his comment his response was 'but I can look at you naked anytime I want. Why do I need pics?' He missed the point. I wanted him to look at naked pics of me, to lust after me when I'm not around and do the things he did when he was looking at naked pics of other women. I wanted that sexual energy he was giving up to total strangers. Just once would have been a huge step in my healing.
> 
> From H's point of view - our marriage is way more important than that. His past is just a bit of junk from the past. He is with me now, he doesn't turn from me anymore, we are having good sex - what more could I ask of him? He didn't understand the long term damage he had done to my self esteem and why I couldn't just get over it. Good sex is a start but its not a total healer. When I used to have a pang of insecurity my H would say 'you've got a short memory. Don't you remember last night?'. Its just not that simple because there is a whole range of emotions that need healing before you can just move on. Talk to him.


i too wish he would be interested in doing these things with me his wife,
is it that there is no need to chase or keep things alive, ive heard that you can have an affair with your partner, to keep things alive . but again its always me looking for solutions...would be great for him to initiate something to re kindle... maybe i could give him permision to have an emotional affair with me..


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

Always Learning said:


> Anon Pink
> 
> That is a very good post.
> 
> I am curious about how their past sex life was though. If she had with held in the past she may have conditioned him to be passive. In my case every time I tried to reach into the cookie jar my hand was slapped. I then started passively reaching into the jar hoping to avoid that slap. I learned when to with draw my hand before it was slapped which has now turned into me no longer initiating unless she has made it clear that she won't slap my hand.


our past pre kids was fantastic... again because i used to just get it when i wanted it... i used to suduce him if he tried to knock me back...
i backed off initiating i guess when we had issues in our marriage, then ive kind of sat back expecting him to do the chasing..wanting him to suduce me...
i initiated hump wed.. to make sure i get it at least once a week..hahahhaa i just feel i need to reconnect. sometimes life gets so busy and too many late nights, it like date night..except its F^%$ night wed nights..


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I sometimes think husbands hold back their sexual passion with their wives because they can't see their wives in that role. Sort of like the Madonna/Wh0re -Light. I also think some of these men just don't get it. Cluelessness kills passion. They just don't get passion. It's like they have to be taught, by their wives, what passion is, what it looks like, how to do it etc...
> 
> I wanted the same thing from my husband. I wanted him to be passionate about me, to passionately want me, to passionately pursue me. Instead he was tentative, hesitant, mild mannered, and worst of all PASSIVE!
> 
> ...


Wow that post is exactly how I feel. Can I ask you - was your husband originally passionate? (in the very beginning when it was all new?) Because I have hinted to my husband that I want more "proactivity" on his part, but I honestly don't know if he has it in him. Sex has never felt passionate with him. In other relationships it got to a more humdrum place, but it started out with lots of sparks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> Wow that post is exactly how I feel. Can I ask you - was your husband originally passionate? (in the very beginning when it was all new?) Because I have hinted to my husband that I want more "proactivity" on his part, but I honestly don't know if he has it in him. Sex has never felt passionate with him. In other relationships it got to a more humdrum place, but it started out with lots of sparks.


I used to think my husband didn't have it in him either, because he told me so.  

I don't think hints and vague terms like "be more passionate" are likely to be successful, for either men or women. 

Reading and responding here in SIM I've seen a few women who come in to complain their husband want them to initiate, but I've seen a LOT more men complain that their wives never initiate. They say they tell their wives what they want but their wives say they can't do that. Inhibition is the problem, not lack of passion. So find a way to remove the inhibition, to cancel it out.

Would you say your husband might be inhibited about being too proactive? If so, what do you think might be causing the inhibition? Does that cause have an effect on other areas of his life too? My husband's dedication to being mild mannered was his most dominant characteristic. 

You want more proactivity from him? You want him to chase you a bit? You want him to be a tad more demanding and forceful? What exactly does that look like? Draw the scene, describe the actions, pair the actions with emotion as you describe what it is you envision when you say more proactivity, more passion.

You know how Guy What'shisname on Diners, Drive In's and Dives makes those yummy noises when he eats the featured dish at the end of the segment? THATS passion. A passionate response, not a mild "hmmm yes this is tasty." Take that kind of obvious passionate response and add in some physicality of getting in your space and you have a passionate proactive lover who shows just how delighted he is with the woman in front of him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've been reading this book Mating in Captivity. One of the things I'm learning is that for some love and lust and not all that compatible. Lust is great with someone you aren't close to. But once you love someone you start caring what they think about you. You start holding yourself back. You don't take what you want because you love the person. You don't feel safe because you don't want to be judged by the one you love.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I've been reading this book Mating in Captivity. One of the things I'm learning is that for some love and lust and not all that compatible. Lust is great with someone you aren't close to. But once you love someone you start caring what they think about you. You start holding yourself back. You don't take what you want because you love the person. You don't feel safe because you don't want to be judged by the one you love.


Exactly! As a man you hold back you passion because you don't want to be judged harshly as a sex maniac or something. As a woman you hold back your passion because you don't want to be judged as slvttish.

So instead of "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church!" It should be "Husbands, beat your chest and show your passionate lust for her!" 

Instead of "Wives, respect and obey your husbands...." It should be "wives, be a total slvt for your husband!"


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ironically we get judged for holding back when we're holding back to avoid being judged.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ironically we get judged for holding back when we're holding back to avoid being judged.


Life is NOT fair!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I don't think hints and vague terms like "be more passionate" are likely to be successful, for either men or women.
> 
> Would you say your husband might be inhibited about being too proactive? If so, what do you think might be causing the inhibition? Does that cause have an effect on other areas of his life too? My husband's dedication to being mild mannered was his most dominant characteristic.


You give me hope!

I think my husband is inhibited in his whole personality so it makes sense that would spill over in his approach to sex. I think the causes are 1) His natural wiring and 2) Going back to childhood, being raised with an alcoholic parent and constantly feeling shame and that he had to appear happy and perfect to hide what was really happening in his life.

Inhibited is his whole being -- The average person would *never *know it if they met him as he is very confident and not not shy with his opinions, but I believe he lives in constant fear of making a mistake or embarrassing himself or others. 

There are benefits of this because he never embarrasses me in public and is always "appropriate" and predictable. But the drawback is a lack of spontaneity in all areas of life. There's no rolling on the floor laughing 'till we cry over something with this guy... And every time I "let loose" myself, he seems annoyed, disgusted or disapproving.



Anon Pink said:


> I used to think my husband didn't have it in him either, because he told me so.
> 
> You want more proactivity from him? You want him to chase you a bit? You want him to be a tad more demanding and forceful? What exactly does that look like? Draw the scene, describe the actions, pair the actions with emotion as you describe what it is you envision when you say more proactivity, more passion.


I will work on this. I have told him I'd like to be kissed, passionately, before sex. And I see him trying some. But his reluctance makes me feel like he doesn't like it which makes me feel inhibited, like he's just doing it for me. Very contrived.

In business though, I have learned that saying certain things that need to be said feels very awkward and contrived - the first few times. But after a couple practice runs, it becomes a natural normal conversation. Maybe if I let him fake it 'till he makes it, it will become a part of him.

Years ago, I always wanted him to talk dirty during sex and not only would he not do that, when I tried it on him, he seemed disgusted. So I started becoming much more inhibited around him myself. But recently I tried it out on him again, eliminating the four letter words and he actually got really turned on by it. But there's no reciprocation (yet) maybe I need to do it some more...

I did do him a favor yesterday and when I got home he hugged me hard and said "I *love *you!" He always says "I love you" but he's never said it with passion like that before, like I could "feel" his love when he said it and I was like "I love you too!"


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

"Exactly! As a man you hold back you passion because you don't want to be judged harshly as a sex maniac or something. As a woman you hold back your passion because you don't want to be judged as slvttish."

You have made a very profound observation...I have always considered myself hyper HD. Having sex 3-4 times a day EVERY DAY...would be so perfect!...And my wife was HD to a lesser extent, so we had a really good match.....BUT even though she was HD she almost never initiated sex....Mostly because she had been raised in a very prudish household...

But we never let anything interfere with our passion when we were together....I get goose bumps when I remember some of the more exquisite orgasms I was able to wring from her modest, demure little body....:grin2:


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

xsgandyx said:


> Im trying to forgive.. i dont bring up the EA he had.. I'v stopped asking questions, we rarely fight any more. He seems to be truthful .
> He is very understanding when i have down days, and reassures me when i do.. he offers his phone, lap top when ever i have doubts..He says he knows it will take time for me to totally forgive him, and is willing to reassure me whenever its needed..
> so why do i still have doubts... why do i think he might be still doing something behind my back...
> research says if they cheat once they will cheat again...
> ...


I wonder if maybe he feels guilty and self-conscious because of his EA and that's inhibiting him? Like he doesn't want to sext you because he's afraid it will trigger memories in you of him sexting the AP.

Also, I didn't see how long ago his EA was but the say when someone has an affair it's like an addiction and it takes time to truly kill the withdrawals. 

I don't know what to suggest though other than what you're doing. But I know what you mean - there's that carnal "feeling" you get when someone is really turned on. Of course I got that from my first husband all the time and unbeknownst to me he was sleeping with everything that moved, so while it felt real to me, his passion had nothing to do with my being "special" to him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@WorkingWife, this is the time to fake it till you make it. 

Your husband sounds very similar to mine. 

My husband made some changes in response to my requests but there were two separate things that really had an impact on him. We attended Retrouvaille (because I was done trying) and that really really brought out a LOT of honesty and truth. And the second thing was he found a good therapist and worked it.

I don't know how long you've been married or how old you are but the emotionally constipated man is extremely difficult and resistant to change.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't even know what that's like. Some people never get to experience a partner that truly lusts after them, perhaps that only way either one of us will get that experience is if get get divorced. I know that I will never feel that way about my wife, we've been through too much and too much damage has been done. To feel that way about someone you can't have all that in the way.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Please check her other threads specifically the one titled "can we add toys instead of other people to our sex life"

It is highly likely that he is lusting after sex with another man. There is a lot more going here than just an EA.

OP
People cannot give you proper advise if you don't provide the entire picture. If you keep the information in your posts together and consistent you will get much better help.

There are a lot of very smart and helpful people here but they need to see the overall picture to help.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

Always Learning said:


> Please check her other threads specifically the one titled "can we add toys instead of other people to our sex life"
> 
> It is highly likely that he is lusting after sex with another man. There is a lot more going here than just an EA.
> 
> ...


I just don't want people to be so judging of him... This time its different he is more than happy to prove that it's me and only me, he knows it will take time to prove it, and he blames himself for my non trust.. We are healing.. I'm just confused and it's hard to explain to you all that he really is putting every effort into is healing..i guess its hard to hear the negative..i know that's why I'm here to get others perspectives.. But I don't want to hold onto the anger,I want us to heal.. I know I've been a door mat in the past.. But its because I never stood my ground and demanded he change Or leave..i was partially to blame because I ALLOWED IT..I never gave him limits,I rug swept..i do appreciate all of you.. It's just hard to hear it..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

xsgandyx said:


> I just don't want people to be so judging of him... This time its different he is more than happy to prove that it's me and only me, he knows it will take time to prove it, and he blames himself for my non trust.. We are healing.. I'm just confused and it's hard to explain to you all that he really is putting every effort into is healing..i guess its hard to hear the negative..i know that's why I'm here to get others perspectives.. But I don't want to hold onto the anger,I want us to heal.. I know I've been a door mat in the past.. But its because I never stood my ground and demanded he change Or leave..i was partially to blame because I ALLOWED IT..I never gave him limits,I rug swept..i do appreciate all of you.. It's just hard to hear it..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Alright you know you rug swept in the past, and now you have grown some limits and are able to enforce them.

You must understand how damaging it is to rug sweep, right? It's damaging because it prevents both spouses from fully processing the events. Processing is important because it teaches us, limits, boundaries and much more. It also teaches us what to watch for and how to recognize when things are turning bad again. Because of your tendency to rug sweep you are cutting off that learning mode. By keeping that information out of this thread, you are forcing those of us who respond to also rug sweep out of ignorance. If you get advice based on only a partial understanding of what is going on, how valuable do you think that advice is?

No one is here to judge you. Your past of open exploration should not be something you're ashamed of, unless you now feel like you had been coerced into it. In which case it is the coersion that should be learned from, not the sexual exploits themselves. Do you feel like your husband coerced you?

I think you are terribly conflicted. As you grew your boundaries and asserted them you recognized that some of those sexual exploits just didn't sit right with you and you feel sort of betrayed that your husband didn't protect you, didn't intuit how you might feel? Or perhaps you feel guilty that the early years of marriage you gave off the impression of happily pushing the boundaries with him and now you want those boundaries to be iron clad? I just don't understand where your need to defend him comes from.

You have two separate but related problems.
1. How do I get rid of resentment?
2. How do I get my husband to show the depth of his passion for me?

They are related because you need that sexual passion from him as a reassurance that it's YOU he wants, that he isn't thinking of others, that the energy he put into pursuing others is being reserved for just you. You need all of this because it will help you heal and that will help you lose the resentment.

Tell that to your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are two good videos that might help. As others have said, Esther Perel is very good on this topic and has the book Mating in Captivity. 

Mating in Captivity: Reconciling Intimacy and Sexuality


Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

I have a thread going on the above video.



.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

What a wise person Esther perel is.. I've only watched one of her videos as far, intend watching them all..
Thank you elegirl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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