# Need advice and help



## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

A little backstory first. My wife and I have been married 12 years come September and we have been together 16 years with 4 kids. 

I have been going through an unwanted separation for 7 months now. We separated over fighting and disconnected feelings mostly on my part for a long time. Mainly because of a lot of undealt with resentment on my part. She used to be a pill addict real bad up to the point it made us homeless at one point with our kids. She ended up going to jail and rehab for a year and i was left to care for our 4 children by myself with no family. IT was horrible and rough year of my life. I never dealt with that appropriately after she got back, she just jumped back into our lives and I resented her for it all. I would make nasty comments during that time to her and regrettably in front of our kids at times. I supported her through the whole thing sent her money, took the kids to see her (9 hour round trip) for an hour each weekend during her last month in rehab. So my wife up and decided to leave one day during an argument. She went to stay with a friend for a week and ended up coming back and the next fight we had she said I'm leaving and I already have a place. 

She leased a house already and that was that. She ended up moving out and got to her place but couldn't afford to furnish it. She came to me crying saying she couldn't even begin to work on us and our marriage without her own place to take our kids and think and asked for my help. I gave her my credit card to max out to furnish her whole house for her and our kids. Foolish in hindsight. Well over the course of the separation, the first 4 months or so was somewhat ok. We spent a lot of time together staying the night at each others place and we were intimate still all the time. The last few months she started to only want something to do with me on the nights i didn't have our kids. This is the only time she would engage and want to be a "family". When she didn't have the kids she was disengaged and distant. We barely spoke and she would often not even answer her phone all night. Fast forward to the last 6 weeks, all intimacy has stopped, we don't see each other at all, we don't really speak. She blocked me on social media and her phone and only unblocks me to contact me about the kids or something. I get the typical I love you but I'm not in love with you and we will never be together again period speech. She is very nasty in conversation with saying I'm worthless, a piece of sh**, she wishes i would kill myself so she can replace me for a different dad for our kids, I'm a dumbass, etc. I don't know if she really hates me that much or if she is using again...who knows honestly. 

She won't talk to me about anything and just says "Im done" you have done too much damage. Me....doing the damage, not her. After reading on here i realize i done everything wrong during this process of begging, pleading, crying, promising, etc. Too little, too late for that. However, i have made changes for the better, ones she fails to see or acknowledge. I am in therapy for my personal issues, I am now a fully devoted follower of Christ (got baptized a few months into this) and serve in my church, i am in a life group, and have read about every self help book barnes and noble has. I don't know where to go from here. She says she hasn't filed because she doesn't have the money and I refuse to file because i simply don't want a divorce. I don't want to split my family up. It's hard only seeing my kids 3 days a week, but it doesn't seem to phase her much. She goes on everyday like she is perfectly fine, but I'm an emotional wreck and have been everyday for 7 months now. The loss of my marriage and family is devastating and I don't understand how its easy for her with that many years together and 4 kids. Any advice, thoughts, support? Im lost and riddled in pain...please help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> A little backstory first. My wife and I have been married 12 years come September and we have been together 16 years with 4 kids.
> 
> I have been going through an unwanted separation for 7 months now. We separated over fighting and disconnected feelings mostly on my part for a long time. Mainly because of a lot of undealt with resentment on my part. She used to be a pill addict real bad up to the point it made us homeless at one point with our kids. She ended up going to jail and rehab for a year and i was left to care for our 4 children by myself with no family. IT was horrible and rough year of my life. I never dealt with that appropriately after she got back, she just jumped back into our lives and I resented her for it all. I would make nasty comments during that time to her and regrettably in front of our kids at times. I supported her through the whole thing sent her money, took the kids to see her (9 hour round trip) for an hour each weekend during her last month in rehab. So my wife up and decided to leave one day during an argument. She went to stay with a friend for a week and ended up coming back and the next fight we had she said I'm leaving and I already have a place.
> 
> ...


You'd better get strong quick. She's dumped you for another guy. Your family is already spilt up. 

She's happy because a new guy trumps everything. You and the family. 

I hope you wake up soon because if you can't deal with this and make a decision you'll just stay in limbo hell a lot longer than you should.

You can't make her do a thing or fix her.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Our kids are the ones suffering in this too. She didn't just fall out of love with me and walk away from me. She walked away from all 5 of us. Our kids are being affected, but she claims she is doing what is "best" for them. She hasn't attempted to get any help of her own, she hasn't went to counseling with me, she hasn't done a thing but party and hang out with her girlfriends. I have asked several times about another man, but she says over and over its about me and stop trying to make it about another guy because there isn't one. Our kids hate it. They tell me all the time they are sick of going back and forth to different houses. They don't understand it and don't like it anymore than i do. They are 13,10,8,7. She doesn't even call or text them on the days i have them. The rare times she does it is literally for a minute on the phone. She doesn't seem to care about the 5 of us at all really. I want to save my marriage but, i realize that she has to "want" it as well. It just seems like she definitely doesn't, but i just don't know how to cope and let go when i don't feel like we have exhausted all options to fix our marriage for us and the kids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> Our kids are the ones suffering in this too. She didn't just fall out of love with me and walk away from me. She walked away from all 5 of us. Our kids are being affected, but she claims she is doing what is "best" for them. She hasn't attempted to get any help of her own, she hasn't went to counseling with me, she hasn't done a thing but party and hang out with her girlfriends. *I have asked several times about another man, but she says over and over its about me and stop trying to make it about another guy because there isn't one.* Our kids hate it. They tell me all the time they are sick of going back and forth to different houses. They don't understand it and don't like it anymore than i do. They are 13,10,8,7. She doesn't even call or text them on the days i have them. The rare times she does it is literally for a minute on the phone. She doesn't seem to care about the 5 of us at all really. I want to save my marriage but, i realize that she has to "want" it as well. It just seems like she definitely doesn't, but i just don't know how to cope and let go when i don't feel like we have exhausted all options to fix our marriage for us and the kids.


All cheaters lie, hide and deny. She's not going to tell you the truth. Ever. Being naive here isn't going to help you.

All you can do is try and be the strong parent for your kids. Like I said an affair trumps all. This is very typical nothing special at all except it's happening to you.

I doubt you'd have to look hard to find the real truth. That and exposure is the only weapon you have at this time. 

The only way back if it's even possible is to end her affair. More than likely the other man is married. Affairs only thrive in secret. Shine a light on it.

You dont have any other options


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don't confront without evidence. It's the worse thing you can do.

Do you have access to her phone bill online?

That's the best place to start. If you have a number you'll be able to find out who.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Stop being a doormat and write her off, lets be honest Ra, you were taken for a drive and now the ride is over stop being nice to her.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

So you are saying she moved out because of another man? Then why have sex with me for literally the entire time up until about 6 weeks ago? I admit i did all the things they say not to do when you get separated by pushing too hard and making her pull away more. She literally texted me last week that she loves me and misses me but there is too much damage and that’s why she knows it’s over. Says she is sorry and she didn’t want this but the only thing to do is move forward. And now this week she is back to sayin i don’t love you, I’m done and nothing you can say or do will ever make me want a relationship with you. 




Marc878 said:


> Don't confront without evidence. It's the worse thing you can do.
> 
> Do you have access to her phone bill online?
> 
> That's the best place to start. If you have a number you'll be able to find out who.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I don’t have access to anything of hers. We love in separate houses and everything. I don’t know what she does when i have our kids. 



Marc878 said:


> Don't confront without evidence. It's the worse thing you can do.
> 
> Do you have access to her phone bill online?
> 
> That's the best place to start. If you have a number you'll be able to find out who.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

If it was just that easy to walk away from 17 years and 4 kids i would. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> Stop being a doormat and write her off, lets be honest Ra, you were taken for a drive and now the ride is over stop being nice to her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Ra3a369 said:


> If it was just that easy to walk away from 17 years and 4 kids i would.



Dude, SHE'S the one walking away from the marriage. But she's stabbing you emotionally and financially in the process. She's walked away from you as a husband, so SHE'S the one that has killed the marriage. You just need to realize this fact and act appropriately.

I STRONGLY recommend you read other poster's stories here. (Focus on Coping With Infidelity section). Even though you don't know (yet) about another guy, the story and the behavior is the same. You will see story after story that replicates your situation.

There's a reason the posters are giving you this advice...because that's how it has played out repeatedly. Every time. Listen to their advice. Read the stories. Reading the other posters' stories will hopefully make you into a believer in that advice.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Then why did she continue to be intimate with me all along up until about 6 weeks ago? What’s her behavior about when she goes from wanting me dead and calling me everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage to saying she loves and misses me but there is too much damage to try and fix it? 

I’ve read a lot of the stories and i know a lot sounds similar and that’s why i have asked her over and over and she still denies it or says i don’t owe you any answers. 

I’ve read about the 180 stuff as well. While i think that’s my best route it’s just something that is hard to do when you’re the one who cares and doesn’t want your family apart forever. It’s hard only seeing your kids 3 days versus 7 like you use to all because of one person. She has all the control of everything and i think that’s part of my problem. 



Wolfman1968 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > If it was just that easy to walk away from 17 years and 4 kids i would.
> ...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ra3a369 said:


> Then why did she continue to be intimate with me all along up until about 6 weeks ago? What’s her behavior about when she goes from wanting me dead and calling me everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage to saying she loves and misses me but there is too much damage to try and fix it?
> 
> I’ve read a lot of the stories and i know a lot sounds similar and that’s why i have asked her over and over and she still denies it or says i don’t owe you any answers.
> 
> I’ve read about the 180 stuff as well. While i think that’s my best route it’s just something that is hard to do when you’re the one who cares and doesn’t want your family apart forever. It’s hard only seeing your kids 3 days versus 7 like you use to all because of one person. She has all the control of everything and i think that’s part of my problem.



Not sure i how to be be more clear to you "SHE WAS USING YOU....SHE WAS USING SEX WITH YOU TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS" she is gone and she is blaming you...and she is telling the kids that...stop acting like a tool.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I guess you missed the heading here. I’m looking for advice and help not to be called a “tool”. 17 years and 4 kids is not just something in the wind you turn a shoulder at like it’s not a big deal. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > Then why did she continue to be intimate with me all along up until about 6 weeks ago? What’s her behavior about when she goes from wanting me dead and calling me everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage to saying she loves and misses me but there is too much damage to try and fix it?
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

6 weeks ago the sex stopped. That’s when she started having sex with the other guy.
She doesn’t want to cheat on HIM.

As stated, the sex was just for physical needs and for your credit card.

You have been advised as to what is really going on.

You seem to think you have a choice here.
You don’t. Your wife is GONE.

You can move on, or stay in misery. The choice is yours.

Your wife is no longer the woman you once knew. 
I’m sorry. I know that’s hard to see in your situation. It’s hard to see the happiness that awaits you when you get over this. That’s why fear keeps you hoping this will go away.
But once this **** starts, it just gets worse unless you move on.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Not as hard to see it as it is to understand it. She is walking away from me,our kids, our home, the security of a marriage, etc. and for what? Some meaningless relationship we all know won’t last because she is not emotionally capable of making it last. I guess this is what they call “the fog”. She has reduced herself down to seeing her kids 3 days a week in this decision also. They are with me 3, her 3 and with their grandma 1. It’s just hard to understand how a person would ever give up all of that, kids included, for another man and some fantasy. 



Evinrude58 said:


> 6 weeks ago the sex stopped. That’s when she started having sex with the other guy.
> She doesn’t want to cheat on HIM.
> 
> As stated, the sex was just for physical needs and for your credit card.
> ...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ra3a369 said:


> I guess you missed the heading here. I’m looking for advice and help not to be called a “tool”. 17 years and 4 kids is not just something in the wind you turn a shoulder at like it’s not a big deal.


RA, 

Just so we are clear (again) are you trying to stay married ? because clearly she has waked away, shacked up with someone else, and left you and the kids behind the first advice you that you seem not to understand is that you need to take matters at hand

1. perform the 180 on her
2. file for divorce and make sure that she has to pay off the credit card with all of her debt
3. look after the kids
4. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE and start realizing she does not love you and take care of your self.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Ra3a369 said:


> Not as hard to see it as it is to understand it. She is walking away from me,our kids, our home, the security of a marriage, etc. and for what? Some meaningless relationship we all know won’t last because she is not emotionally capable of making it last. I guess this is what they call “the fog”. She has reduced herself down to seeing her kids 3 days a week in this decision also. They are with me 3, her 3 and with their grandma 1. It’s just hard to understand how a person would ever give up all of that, kids included, for another man and some fantasy.


If you've read here as much as I have over the years you wouldn't be so surprised at what some would give up.

dingerdad's thread comes to mind.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Would i like to stay married during the “for better or worse” part of these vows? Yes. Am i even sure we can survive such a betrayal down the road at some point? I have no clue. Thanks for your input. Just trying to listen and hear stories from people that have walked in my shoes to help understand. 



Lostinthought61 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > I guess you missed the heading here. I’m looking for advice and help not to be called a “tool”. 17 years and 4 kids is not just something in the wind you turn a shoulder at like it’s not a big deal.
> ...


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I am sure people have walked away from a lot more than mine has. It’s just hard to understand the train of thought someone has that can do that without hesitation or regard to anyone other then themselves. I guess fantasy land and being selfish is a deadly combination. The day she wakes up and realizes everything she walked away from will be too late for her I’m sure. 



Malaise said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > Not as hard to see it as it is to understand it. She is walking away from me,our kids, our home, the security of a marriage, etc. and for what? Some meaningless relationship we all know won’t last because she is not emotionally capable of making it last. I guess this is what they call “the fog”. She has reduced herself down to seeing her kids 3 days a week in this decision also. They are with me 3, her 3 and with their grandma 1. It’s just hard to understand how a person would ever give up all of that, kids included, for another man and some fantasy.
> ...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Malaise said:


> If you've read here as much as I have over the years you wouldn't be so surprised at what some would give up.
> 
> Digger Dad's ? thread comes to mind.
> @bandit.45 you know the thread ?


Yep. Diggerdad and his wife were on here for a couple years. She dragged him through hell and back, played the regretful WW to a tee, before finally leaving him for the OM for good. Sad story. I cannot find the threads anymore.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP

When I read this:

*She literally texted me last week that she loves me and misses me but there is too much damage and that’s why she knows it’s over.
*


She doesn't want to work on the marriage. Is she involved with someone else? Could be. 


But you can't fix it alone.

*Would i like to stay married during the “for better or worse” part of these vows? Yes. Am i even sure we can survive such a betrayal down the road at some point? I have no clue. *


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have to get out of your denial first.

I get it you’re in shock. How could she????

This happens every day. 

Right now you are in a paralyzed state doing nothing 

You are looking for some magic to fix this. It’s not there. Any needy behavior just makes it worse.

You need evidence and then exposure without warning. There isn’t much else you can do. Other than file. 

Better wake up


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

My error it was dingerdad and the threads still exist.

OP you may want to read them to see what a wife and mother ( in this case ) was willing to lose for another man.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I feel like that Colin guy. She is a master manipulator too. I guess i need to stop trying to understand her or her action and just try to detach with the it is what it is mentality. The thoughts of just her and another man are still very raw in my head. I’m not attempting anything with any females and haven’t the whole 7 months. I didn’t want a divorce for one, and i am also fully aware I’m not ready for anyone in my life right now. I am not ready for available to give someone else what they deserve out of a relationship or anything really. I am not even divorced so those thoughts are far from my head. I have read many stories of when they actually wake up one day and realize what they have done and walked away from and try to come crawling back. I hope i am strong enough by then to realize i deserve better. 



Malaise said:


> My error it was dingerdad and the threads still exist.
> 
> OP you may want to read them to see what a wife and mother ( in this case ) was willing to lose for another man.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I sent an email telling her i know about her affair with her boss and that i will no longer be in her way of her happiness. I said if she thinks some other guy is worth more than the life we built together over 17 years and 4 kids then i wish her the best. 



Marc878 said:


> You have to get out of your denial first.
> 
> I get it you’re in shock. How could she????
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

How do you know it’s her boss. And if you did you just confronted without exposer to his wife and her family.

Exposure is your only weapon but your wife knows what she’s doing. To end the affair you have to expose to the other mans wife, her family, etc. all you did was warn her and him. Now they will conspire against you and make you out the crazy husband.

Did you have any evidence or just fire a blind shot?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Never make an ultimatum you won’t back up. There’s an old saying in order to save a marriage you have to be willing to end it.

Which means you file


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> Never make an ultimatum you won’t back up. There’s an old saying in order to save a marriage you have to be willing to end it.
> 
> Which means you file


Yep.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Phone records when she was still on my account. She would be calling him all the time for hours or multiple short calls a day. One time the talk was for 200 mins in the middle of the night. The same night she invited me over for sex after she hung up with him. I remember the day. On top of that i found a bunch of passive aggressive posts on his fb page that were obviously directed at me and their relationship. He has a picture as his background photo that she took of a sunset. It’s the same pic she sent me and had framed for Christmas! Same exact pic! She use to send me sunsets every night i worked late or was out of town. So there went that as another dig. The comments on the pic were a “very good friend took this” When we were in a decent place during this she had stayed the night with me and i woke up and looked at her phone to see a text from him saying “I’m weak i can’t go a day without talking to you. I hope you had a good day at work and made lots of Money”. I confronted her that morning and of course turned it into me violating her privacy and looking at her phone and said i told him to stop contacting me unless it’s work related but he doesn’t listen. He’s always been an issue in our marriage. Always has hit on her and tried to slee with her and makes comments to her that are inappropriate and she always blew them off or at least she said. I feel like if someone says things like that to you and sends you text like that it’s for a reason because you have allowed them in some way to think it’s ok. 



Marc878 said:


> How do you know it’s her boss. And if you did you just confronted without exposer to his wife and her family.
> 
> Exposure is your only weapon but your wife knows what she’s doing. To end the affair you have to expose to the other mans wife, her family, etc. all you did was warn her and him. Now they will conspire against you and make you out the crazy husband.
> 
> Did you have any evidence or just fire a blind shot?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ok sounds good you need to inform his wife ASAP. Telling your wife what she already knew is worthless. They are probably prepping with a crazy husband story now


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

The same day he was posting all that she put single as her status on fb. Single! And not even divorced. Real class. That is when i confronted her about them and she denied (predictable), turned it on my as “creepy” for looking at their fb pages. Really? Then guess what heppened next?.... they both made everything completely private on their pages now. 



Marc878 said:


> How do you know it’s her boss. And if you did you just confronted without exposer to his wife and her family.
> 
> Exposure is your only weapon but your wife knows what she’s doing. To end the affair you have to expose to the other mans wife, her family, etc. all you did was warn her and him. Now they will conspire against you and make you out the crazy husband.
> 
> Did you have any evidence or just fire a blind shot?


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

He isn’t married. To top it off he’s 51 she is 33 and I’m 35. He’s a bald midget that looks like a character from willy wonka. Her house is right across the street from her mom so i assume they do everything at his place. She doesn’t want anyone to know about him because he is disgusting and her mom and aunt both work with them as well. I told her aunt about all of it. 



Marc878 said:


> Ok sounds good you need to inform his wife ASAP. Telling your wife what she already knew is worthless. They are probably prepping with a crazy husband story now


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You got two choices inform HR which may not go any good and may cost her her job so you get stuck or file.


Quit talking go no contact and file. You’ve been playing Mr Nice Guy way to long. What’s that gotten you?

You’ve know what up but did nothing? Man I’m sorry but you’ve played yourself more than she has

I would inform her family and yours etc what’s up. You need the support


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

It’s her boss. He owns the place. It’s a restaurant. No HR to report. I already told her Aunt everything and her aunt knows everything and has seen all the texts between her and i so her trying to spin the crazy husband story is rubbish to her aunt. As soon as i get the Money i am going to file without notice. 



Marc878 said:


> You got two choices inform HR which may not go any good and may cost her her job so you get stuck or file.
> 
> 
> Quit talking go no contact and file. You’ve been playing Mr Nice Guy way to long. What’s that gotten you?
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, you let this go on for to long. You were affraid she might leave but in reality she already left. 

File ASAP. Inform the kids in a sanitized way. Mommy has a boyfriend he is John Doe her boss so we are getting divorced.

Don’t keep them in the dark or lie to them. The truth fixes a lot of things and they’ll have less anxiety than where they are now.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I told her to bring my car back that i have been paying for her during this whole time too. It’s in my name. I said your new bf can go buy you a car. I’m done being nice and being a doormat. 



Marc878 said:


> Yep, you let this go on for to long. You were affraid she might leave but in reality she already left.
> 
> File ASAP. Inform the kids in a sanitized way. Mommy has a boyfriend he is John Doe her boss so we are getting divorced.
> 
> Don’t keep them in the dark or lie to them. The truth fixes a lot of things and they’ll have less anxiety than where they are now.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ra3a369 said:


> Then why did she continue to be intimate with me all along up until about 6 weeks ago? What’s her behavior about when she goes from wanting me dead and calling me everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage to saying she loves and misses me but there is too much damage to try and fix it?


Stop asking why. It is pretty clear. She was test riding the other man (OM) to make sure that it was going to work before dumping you.

She is a POS. Not a good wife. Not a good parent. An addict and ex con. I'm pretty comfortable saying that based upon your brief description. 

Frankly, I'd be surprised if she is not using. And even if she isn't doing drugs right now consider the new guy her "new" addiction. It is called limerance, the "feel good" emotions you have in a new relationship. Cheaters get addicted to it. 

Getting angry at you is her trying to convince herself that what she is doing is"right". So is re-writing your marital history. Waffling back and forth is her trying to figure out her crazy emotions. But you don't have to listen to it and you don't have to put up with it. She isn't worth it.

Just file for divorce. Do it now, while she is pining over the OM and abandoning her kids. Log everything she does and doesn't do for your kids. Because right now, you are more likely to get primary custody and a fair child support order.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> I told her to bring my car back that i have been paying for her during this whole time too. It’s in my name. I said your new bf can go buy you a car. I’m done being nice and being a doormat.


That’s your problem all you done is talk. Yet have yet to take one action.

Indecisive behavior just keeps you where you are. You wife loves eating cake. She doesn’t mind you living like this because she’s having a great time with her boyfriend.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I agree and i am putting that plan into place. I’ve realized after all this info i have been a push over. That’s not attractive to anyone including myself. I let her take my dignity and self respect. Sad but true none the less. 

I wouldn’t be surprised if she is using as well. It would explain her twisted sense of right and wrong and reality. I have know way of knowing that at the moment though. 

She brought the kids back to me a day early this week because she had to “work”. I don’t buy it but i gladly accepted my kids to their real home. 

She has been a poisonous snake this whole time so i guess you’re right that is her way of justifying it and only thinking about every negative aspect our marriage had. Nothing good. Nothing about the fact i stood by and supported her through her whole addiction years and being gone away from us for an entire year in jail in rehab. But hey “I’m the pos and worthless one.” The one who furnished her get away house, the one who paid for her car and phone the whole time during this. Ya I’m a terrible guy. 



Tron said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > Then why did she continue to be intimate with me all along up until about 6 weeks ago? What’s her behavior about when she goes from wanting me dead and calling me everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in our marriage to saying she loves and misses me but there is too much damage to try and fix it?
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Have her tested. Use everything you can against her to get custody of your kids.

She and her other man are destroying your family and you. Do you really want to play nice while they do that?

You say you love your kids? Start acting like the stand up father they deserve. Quit being a damn chump.

You can’t fix the past but you can damn sure fix the future.

Hard no contact. Why would you want a snake like this back?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Make no mistake if you keep talking to her you will just wallow in this longer than you need to. Her words are lies and meaningless. You want to believe so it’ll keep you bound up in this.

You control yourself and your phone. Better start now.

It sucks. She put you here but you are the only one that can keep you where she put you.

The Calvary isn’t coming. You have to do it


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I’m not gonna keep talking. I’m cutting all communication other than about our children if it’s absolutely necessary. I am going to start showing her actions and that i have a set of b**** and mean business. Her new bf can buy her a car and deal with her lies and manipulation and drug issues that will likely all arise in their near future. 





Marc878 said:


> Make no mistake if you keep talking to her you will just wallow in this longer than you need to. Her words are lies and meaningless. You want to believe so it’ll keep you bound up in this.
> 
> You control yourself and your phone. Better start now.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good luck man, keep posting


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## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

RA - Dude, my heart goes out to you. Listen, Marc878, Tron and others are spot on. I know its tough to understand right now, but let me put it to you this way...you are trying to rationalize and irrational person...

I know their advice may seem harsh, but all they are trying to do is wake you up to your current situation. Seriously, these two both biaatch slapped the hell out of me (and still do when the need comes up) but without their support and guidance I would still be wallowing in misery. 

Take their advice, do a 180 on your wife/exwife whatever...the sooner you do this the better you will be...next follow their guidance on taking action!

I know you are starting to wake a little bit b/c some of the terms you use were the same ones I used when I started to wake the F*&k up...for example, she is poison! Yep, used it and that started the process for me. She is poison to you and will take you down if she can...dont let her...you cannot control her, but you can control yourself...start working on ways you can improve on yourself...aka take care of yourself so you can take care of your kids...Next, oh dude...he owns the restaurant...why does YELP come to my mind...

Listen, its all about you right now...mind...body and soul...get those three straight and you will be golden...I know it sucks, trust me been there...you are in shock...totally get it...there are other phases you will go thru but the initial shock of it all...sucks donkey balls big time...try to keep your cool...and focus on yourself...b/c at the end of the day, thats the only person you CAN control....


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Ra3a369 said:


> I am sure people have walked away from a lot more than mine has. It’s just hard to understand the train of thought someone has that can do that without hesitation or regard to anyone other then themselves. I guess fantasy land and being selfish is a deadly combination. The day she wakes up and realizes everything she walked away from will be too late for her I’m sure.


Of course you can't understand her thinking. She and you have completely different mindsets. That's why she is cheating and you are not.

Look, I'm sure it's hard to understand the mindset of someone who:
- gives up everything for a life of poverty and sacrifice for others (Mother Theresa type of life)
- believes that killing all nonbelievers is mandated by God and a sure way to paradise (Al-Qaeda/ ISIS thinking)
- kills others for fun/excitement (serial killer)
- spends their lives in deep contemplation (Tibetan Buddhist monk)
- etc.

She is coming from a completely different worldview than you do now. Her desires of the OM justify everything. Nothing--marriage vows, children, honor, stable life--is as important to her as that. It's a type of obsession that is totally foreign to you.

You keep trying to logic it out and argue your way into saving your marriage. You have to start with the realization of the fact that her mental state is so different that yours that none of your rational arguments apply. Look at other peoples' stories. It's just what happens, unbelievable as it may be. If you start with the premise that her thinking is so altered that all your normal appeals will fail, then you will realize that you have no alternative but to disengage.

The first step is to ACCEPT what a monstrosity she has become. Once you do, everything else flows from that. If you can't follow through, that means you haven't FULLY accepted the reality yet...you're still fighting against it.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I understand she is poison at this point. On one hand it’s hard to see someone you care about turn into such a monster of a person. It’s like i don’t even know who she is anymore after 17 years. It is definitely hard to watch someone throw their life away for nothing. That is just me caring as an empathetic person. In no way do i think anything she has done is ok or justifiable for any reason whatsoever. I can’t believe i wasted 7 months getting used and strung along by trying to fight to save our marriage and family. Our 4 kids didn’t deserve any of this and to have their lives disrupted by a lying, immoral pos. It’s sad for them. I gave half my life to a person i thought i could trust and have a life with. Now I’m back at square one at 35 trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and start over. I wasted my one special marriage and the ability to have kids on someone who didn’t deserve in the long run. I’ll never be able to have that again with another woman. 



irish925 said:


> RA - Dude, my heart goes out to you. Listen, Marc878, Tron and others are spot on. I know its tough to understand right now, but let me put it to you this way...you are trying to rationalize and irrational person...
> 
> I know their advice may seem harsh, but all they are trying to do is wake you up to your current situation. Seriously, these two both biaatch slapped the hell out of me (and still do when the need comes up) but without their support and guidance I would still be wallowing in misery.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> I understand she is poison at this point. On one hand it’s hard to see someone you care about turn into such a monster of a person. It’s like i don’t even know who she is anymore after 17 years. It is definitely hard to watch someone throw their life away for nothing. That is just me caring as an empathetic person. In no way do i think anything she has done is ok or justifiable for any reason whatsoever. I can’t believe i wasted 7 months getting used and strung along by trying to fight to save our marriage and family. Our 4 kids didn’t deserve any of this and to have their lives disrupted by a lying, immoral pos. It’s sad for them. I gave half my life to a person i thought i could trust and have a life with. Now I’m back at square one at 35 trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces and start over. I wasted my one special marriage and the ability to have kids on someone who didn’t deserve in the long run. I’ll never be able to have that again with another woman.


Nope, you now know reality of who she really is and is capable of. It'll be hard but now you have knowledge to deal with this. Which will make you stronger and better prepared than where you were.

The world won't end and she is not an irreplaceable special snowflake. Women like her are a dime a dozen but there are good ones out there. Right now you can't/don't want to see it.

Get stronger use your new knowledge and you'll be fine. Hard no contact is the key but will only work if you apply it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ra3a369 said:


> .... _*I’ll never be able to have that again with another woman.*_


Bull****!

She was no flower, no unicorn. You simply ignored what was in front of you. You put her on a pedestal. Saw her through rose colored glasses.

She didn't deserve it...or you, for that matter. You are in your prime, and despite having 4 kids, you are a good guy and a responsible dad. 

Once you dump the dead weight, your attitude about this will change.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

It’s been about 48 hours of no contact (i know...that’s nothing). All i can think about is what her and the OM are/have been doing. Like over and over. Like it haunts me in my mind all day and night. It’s hard to think about someone you care about for so long to be doing something with another man when you’re at home taking care of the 4 kids and she’s just living it up like a single woman with no kids. It’s appalling and heartbreaking all the same.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You take it one day at a time. Instead of contacting think of why you don't need to.

Never answer a phone call direct. Let it go to voicemail. If it's not kid or business related ignore it.

All texts should be scrutinized (do they require a response) you'll find most don't. Pickups/drop offs should be a 3 minute exercise with ZERO engagement. Nerve allow her back in your home and never go in hers. I'd pack up her stuff, take down all your pics together. Store them in the garage or rent a storage unit and send her the key and bill. Set your kids down and explain to them in a sterilized way. Mommy has a boyfriend so we can't be married anymore, etc. keeping them in the dark, lying to them just increases their anxiety. They aren't stupid.

It maybe awkward upfront but how awkward is her screwing another man? 

Make no mistake she put you in this position but you are the only one that can get yourself out. Talk won't help. You need actions.

No one can or wants to live in these situations long term. Get moving and free yourself from infidelity.

The Calvary isn't coming. You have to do it


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're young. The world isn't going to end. Many go through this and you will come out of it.

Wake up. Quit feeding her cake.

Talk and waiting will get you nowhere.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No contact is the key. If you can't apply that it will be to your own detriment. Better start looking out for yourself no one else is going to.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Last time i did no contact it lasted a week and she started texting me in the middle of the night saying oh i love you and miss you. I’m sorry i didn’t want this but we have to continue to move forward there’s too much damage. Blah blah. I took the bait that time and that turned to **** a day later. She’s a master manipulator. 



Marc878 said:


> No contact is the key. If you can't apply that it will be to your own detriment. Better start looking out for yourself no one else is going to.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can only be manipulated if you allow it. Get out of the victim chair and move forward.

Living on a hopium addiction just keeps you where you are and have been.

No contact is up to you not her. You control yourself and your phone. She cant


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> Last time i did no contact it lasted a week and she started texting me in the middle of the night saying oh i love you and miss you. I’m sorry i didn’t want this but we have to continue to move forward there’s too much damage. Blah blah. I took the bait that time and that turned to **** a day later. She’s a master manipulator.


No contact means no contact. You obviously haven't got it yet.

Quit feeding her cake


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

That was a few weeks ago. I learned it was bs. Not gonna happen again. 



Marc878 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > Last time i did no contact it lasted a week and she started texting me in the middle of the night saying oh i love you and miss you. I’m sorry i didn’t want this but we have to continue to move forward there’s too much damage. Blah blah. I took the bait that time and that turned to **** a day later. She’s a master manipulator.
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> That was a few weeks ago. I learned it was bs. Not gonna happen again.


Good, once you are fully awakened much clarity will come.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do you live in a no fault state? If not alimony could be eliminated if you can prove adultery


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Not sure I’m in Oklahoma. 



Marc878 said:


> Do you live in a no fault state? If not alimony could be eliminated if you can prove adultery


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Ra3a369 said:


> Not sure I’m in Oklahoma.


https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/adultery-and-divorce-oklahoma.html


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## Skyborn99 (Jun 5, 2018)

Sorry that your going through this. I am also in the middle of a divorce in Oklahoma. Been together 17 years. It’s very hard but Oklahoma is a no fault state and my lawyer has told me that the affair won’t have any affect on the proceedings. What you need to do is make sure your WW is not being there for your kids. Log what she does and doesn’t do with them. If she doesn’t show up on time or is late to pick them up. Anything about her character or lack there of is what a lawyer will want to know. Also if the kids have had contact with the AP or not. Your situation is a little different than mine. My STBXW blames me for everything to justify what she did to our family and we have had no contact since our first court date. I had to learn the hard way what everyone on here was trying to tell me. Read and listen it will help. I guess I’m lucky that my WW doesn’t want to talk to me for anything but all your WW will do is tell lies don’t listen. Get a lawyer and listen to what he tells you and ask him questions. Stay strong and be there for your kids.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your PM storage is full.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

So update and looking for more perspective. I went NC for a week and she started calling me on Saturday and i didn’t answer. She kept calling and texting so i answered her texts finally with a short “is something wrong with the kids”. She said duh why else would i call. Long story short she wanted to switch our visitation schedule around. I didn’t respond all night. 

Fast forward to yesterday. So she was texting me today like a normal adult..we had a decent conversation then she called me and we talked for almost an hour civilly. Shocker i know. Then she was saying she wasn’t in love with me anymore and i need to move on and i need to be prepared for her to more than likely date someone at some point because that is just the natural progression of things at some point. She said I’m not ready right now and don’t want to at the moment but when i am you need to be able to handle it. 

I told her i didn’t want that and i didn’t know why that’s even a thing. Like why not work on our relationship that you destroyed instead was what i was thinking. She said we just need to focus on being able to communicate respectfully first and co parent consistently with no bs for a long time before that’s ever an option but as of today it’s not one.

Then she invited me over for dinner and to play games with the kids. I accepted and went. Stupid i know. We cooked together and played games with the kids. She said no hugs or kisses and we left on good terms. But when we looked at each and she looked me in the eyes and would smile i could still see it in there. She said we need to do this more often for the kids. I don’t know what to think now.

After i got back home she called me crying saying we shouldn’t of done that, it was too much too soon, I’m about to have a breakdown. Then asked me if i would come get the kids because she was having a breakdown...i said no. She asked if she could bring them to me then again i said no. So after, that she went back to be cold. I asked her if she was ok later on and she was just like “god, stop I’m not changing my mind so please stop”. I just said ok. 

My question is (and i know what all of you are about to say) did i get played? Did she try to friend zone me to alleviate her guilt? Or was she just so evil and manipulative that she really went through all that trouble to try and get me to watch the kids for her that night because she had plans comes up or something. 

This is the problem she has now created for our relationship even if it ever reaches a point of R. I can’t trust a word she is saying and never know when she is being genuine and when she is manipulating.

Would like some opinions from women on this too.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You have no relationship.

And she is ALREADY dating someone. That was her covering her ass for when she is seen.

Why would you love yourself so little that you are willing to even consider keeping such a toxic person in your life?

Wake up!

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Farsidejunky pretty much said it plainly. 

You are the one who is playing yourself. Gotta stop that. Once they change their mind and decide they don't love you, NOTHING will change their minds.

You've got to accept that it is OVER. Do NOT let her suck you in anymore with "dinner". She LOVES telling you to go **** yourself and see you pining for her. All she wanted was that emotional booster shot for her own ego, which you quickly jumped to give her.
Gotta stop that. 

You want your wife back? You'd have a better chance at being seen by her with an attractive woman having fun with you, than by being the nice guy playing the pick me dance. Still zero chance. She's gone. Accept it. ACCEPT IT. It's really not the end of the world. It just feels that way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have been chumped long enough. Stop the puppet on a string dance.

Words = nothing

Actions are all that count


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I guess i didn’t see it as toxic like you do from the outside looking in it’s much easier to see i guess. 17 years and 4 kids is hard to toss away. Regardless of losing her or not I’m still losing my kids to a lot less time than i had before. I understand it takes 2 here but i guess I’m just not accepting the fact that she really doesn’t want to be with me anymore. Not sure what the point is of anything she done last night really. 



farsidejunky said:


> You have no relationship.
> 
> And she is ALREADY dating someone. That was her covering her ass for when she is seen.
> 
> ...


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I guess I’m just not accepting my situation and taking any crumbs she throws my way thinking it’s hope but apparently it’s just a game to her. A sick game to mess with someone’s heart and head like this but a game none the less. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Farsidejunky pretty much said it plainly.
> 
> You are the one who is playing yourself. Gotta stop that. Once they change their mind and decide they don't love you, NOTHING will change their minds.
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ra3a369 said:


> I guess I’m just not accepting my situation and taking any crumbs she throws my way thinking it’s hope but apparently it’s just a game to her. A sick game to mess with someone’s heart and head like this but a game none the less.


Solution: several billion women on the planet. Surely you can find more than one that turns your knob.
Go find one. It's not nearly as hard as you might think while pining for this one. Just don't all madly in love with the first one that comes your way, just because you're all lovesick and stuff.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

This isn’t about getting my knob turned as you say. I could care less about that at this moment. My family and kids are much more important then getting my jollies off. 

I’m trying to fix my marriage not get a fix. Throwing someone else into the mix does me no good when I’m not even over her as it is. All that will do is make me feel guilty regardless because I’m still married. Just because she is out doing god knows what doesn’t mean i have to follow suit down that path. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > I guess I’m just not accepting my situation and taking any crumbs she throws my way thinking it’s hope but apparently it’s just a game to her. A sick game to mess with someone’s heart and head like this but a game none the less.
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ra3a369 said:


> This isn’t about getting my knob turned as you say. I could care less about that at this moment. My family and kids are much more important then getting my jollies off.
> 
> I’m trying to fix my marriage not get a fix. Throwing someone else into the mix does me no good when I’m not even over her as it is. All that will do is make me feel guilty regardless because I’m still married. Just because she is out doing god knows what doesn’t mean i have to follow suit down that path.


You'll say whatever you can to justify your lack of action so you can sit in your current situation where you are miserable.
Yes, I know you don't want any woman but your wife. All I'm saying is that what YOU want is clearly of ZERO importance to your wife. She is going the opposite direction, and the more you chase, the faster she will run. Think about that. The more you pursue, the farther she goes. Has that not been the case?

How are you going to "fix your marriage" with a woman who couldn't care less where you are or who you are with?
That's what I'm telling you. One person can't fix it. And you are making sure you slam all the doors on it EVERY TIME you pursue her and she feels repulsed by you. Not because you're repulsive, but because she has no feelings for you.

Picture yourself in elementary school and some little girl you find unattractive and have no interest in, keeps giving you love notes and cornering you up to talk to you, and meeting you in the hallway wanting to talk. Remember how much you dreaded seeing her? That's how your wife feels about you. That's why she keeps kneeing you in the nuts with her comments. 

I can't tell you how to fix this, because most likely it can't be, but staying where you are in a state of pining for her and chasing her---- that is the opposite tactic for attracting her to you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Until you get it nothing changes.

You’ve done nothing so nothings changed except she’s moving farther away.

Sitting around wondering how she could do this gets you zip. Happens every day.

Better wake up. You are still paralyzed


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

So her words are we can co parent as long as you let go of us being together. Wtf does that even mean?



Evinrude58 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > This isn’t about getting my knob turned as you say. I could care less about that at this moment. My family and kids are much more important then getting my jollies off.
> ...


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ra3a369 said:


> So her words are we can co parent as long as you let go of us being together. Wtf does that even mean?


It's INCREDIBLY simple to translate:

You can watch the kids and take care of me and them, RaRa, as long as you don't go ballistic the first time you see me and my new Boo with our hands all over one another.
If you can't see this, you truly are at a standstill.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

That is how i seen it and i just told her to F off that I’m not gonna “co parent” and play fake family with you while mommy has a bf and daddy pretends like he is ok with it. I said screw that I’m not playing your sick game anymore and don’t contact me unless it’s an emergency about our kids. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > So her words are we can co parent as long as you let go of us being together. Wtf does that even mean?
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You can get past this. You're never going to like what happened, but you won't care after a few years.

All you can do is see an attorney, get custody of your kids as often as you can, and grey rock her. Don't communicate in any way positive or negatively with her. one or two word answers to kid questions.
Detach.
Do the 180. Only for your mental health. 

Never again let her reel your emotions in. She will, just to get the ego kibbles she needs until she has a boyfriend to supply that (unless she already has one). 

When a woman loses their love for you, it never comes back. Bank on that. Get healthy and find one that thinks YOU hung the moon.
It will likely be with a woman more attractive in every way than your current wife. Expect that to happen.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

How does R ever happen If that was never the case then? This whole thing is a damn mess. Unfortunately I’ve done everything wrong thinking i was doing what was right trying to save my family. I guess somewhere in the process i tossed or my own self respect and worth. 

It’s just hard to let go when you care about someone. The thought of her with someone else and someone else being around my kids at some point just rips me apart. I’m not patethic and weak i just have a huge heart and care about what really matters in life and that is my family that she took away. 



Evinrude58 said:


> You can get past this. You're never going to like what happened, but you won't care after a few years.
> 
> All you can do is see an attorney, get custody of your kids as often as you can, and grey rock her. Don't communicate in any way positive or negatively with her. one or two word answers to kid questions.
> Detach.
> ...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ra3a369 said:


> How does R ever happen If that was never the case then? This whole thing is a damn mess. Unfortunately I’ve done everything wrong thinking i was doing what was right trying to save my family. I guess somewhere in the process i tossed or my own self respect and worth.


Unfortunately, she is not like you. NOT AT ALL!

Reconciliation happens when the woman realizes she seriously F'd up, takes ownership, shows remorse and cares about how you feel. She hasn't exhibited anything close to any of this. She is simply cake-eating.

And yes. You've tossed your own self respect and self worth. Women find that unattractive BTW. 



Ra3a369 said:


> It’s just hard to let go when you care about someone. The thought of her with someone else and someone else being around my kids at some point just rips me apart. I’m not patethic and weak i just have a huge heart and care about what really matters in life and that is my family that she took away.


Doesn't rip her apart as she is already seeing another man. And by all indications you are still pining for her. And apparently you are ok with it. That IS pathetic and weak.

You have a huge heart. Well, isn't that nice? That is admirable! 

She doesn't.

You care about what really matters. Well, isn't that nice? That is admirable! 

But she doesn't.

And yeah, she took away your family and tossed it in the ****ter! 

It meant nothing to her. She is still using you and these invitations and other crap is just a way to alleviate her guilt and convince herself that you're all good with it.

You're not. So don't. Move on.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

What’s the point of even trying to find out if there is another man for sure. I still have no physical proof. But why would it matter anyways when you say she could give 2 sh*** less about how i feel or what she’s done to her family. I don’t see how finding out and exposing changes a dang thing 



Tron said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > How does R ever happen If that was never the case then? This whole thing is a damn mess. Unfortunately I’ve done everything wrong thinking i was doing what was right trying to save my family. I guess somewhere in the process i tossed or my own self respect and worth.
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

finding out helps you move on. Trust me, it helps. It hurts, but it helps.
After I found out my wife was cheating, I asked her to leave. I hated to do it, I still loved her. But staying with a disgusting cheater wasn't something I could live with.

To this day she says sexting other men, sending them pics and videos of herself, texting them 24 hours a day, and of course whatever else I didn't know about physically----- wasn't cheating. LOL

It helped me to stop giving a ****.

That's how it helps.

But you're right, the fact that she no longer loves you should easily be reason enough to divorce her. It's the only thing you can do, actually.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"How does R ever happen If that was never the case then? This whole thing is a damn mess."
It doesn't, not with someone like your W. SHE is the one who is cheating, SHE needs to do the work to get YOU back, not vice versa. 

"What’s the point of even trying to find out if there is another man for sure. I still have no physical proof. But why would it matter anyways when you say she could give 2 sh*** less about how i feel or what she’s done to her family. I don’t see how finding out and exposing changes a dang thing 
"

Finding out there is another man will help YOU detach and give you some clarity about what a POS she really is. She is NOT WHO YOU THINK YOU KNOW. You are remembering an image you had of her, but that is NOT who she is. 

Exposure will make sure that she doesn't re-write your marital history to your friends, family, etc.. YOU need to take pro-active action on this so that YOU control the narrative, not her. You don't want your kids to be hurt by lies that she will tell everyone.

Get with a lawyer, find out all your options, and then file. Keep up the 180 -- NO more of the BS of dinners, "nice" phone calls, etc.. IT's all BS...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ra3a369 said:


> What’s the point of even trying to find out if there is another man for sure. I still have no physical proof. But why would it matter anyways when you say she could give 2 sh*** less about how i feel or what she’s done to her family. I don’t see how finding out and exposing changes a dang thing


Exposure can change everything. It putspressure on both and may end the affair. Once the truths out it breaks the fantasy of the affair

You say you want to save it. It’s all youve got.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I just ordered a gps tracker from amazon. It will be here Wednesday. I’ll try to get it slipped on her car Wednesday night and we will at least find some truth for once. If she’s not cheating and it’s really me then i guess I’ll accept that and force myself to move on. If she’s cheating i think it will bring me closure and I’ll expose it in every way possible to everyone i know and she knows. I’ll bust up her lies that she is feeding everyone about me and it will also show everyone that she is a Lying cheater that broke up her family. She’s telling everyone it’s “my fault” and I’m x,y, and z. That will quickly end once this comes out. 

I know I’ve made mistakes in our marriage but nothing that ain’t salvageable. She just doesn’t want or care to work on them. How many men out there would stand by someone who went through all her drug addiction issues, her stealing from me and our kids to feed her addiction, her stealing our money and making us homes less and bankrupt, and all the lies and manipulation, and the year of jail and rehab she went through and left me to deal with our 4 kids alone for an entire year while i supported her through that whole process and remained faithful. Not many if any would stand by and go through all of that with someone. 



Marc878 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > What’s the point of even trying to find out if there is another man for sure. I still have no physical proof. But why would it matter anyways when you say she could give 2 sh*** less about how i feel or what she’s done to her family. I don’t see how finding out and exposing changes a dang thing
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Geeze man you sure you want this back ?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Uh, wait a minute.....

Drugs
Addiction
Stealing
Jail

Dude, the problem is you. You should have divorced her and protected your kids from this person long ago. Why have you ignored her obvious lack of humanity?


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

It all happened when she was addicted to drugs. She went and did her time and changed or so i thought. I had forgiven her at the time for her mistakes. Could b another factor in this and her disconnected behavior as well as wanting her freedom to be away from me so she can use and not get caught by me. Who knows. I’ll see what the gps helps me find out as far as the cheating is concerned and that will give me closure i think enough to move forward without any doubts or blaming myself 




Evinrude58 said:


> Uh, wait a minute.....
> 
> Drugs
> Addiction
> ...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BTW, if you find out that she is using again, you need to get that proof from a 3rd party so that you can submit as part of the custody case.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

When i file i will make it as part of a request for full custody to have her tested. Surely they would comply with her history. 



jlg07 said:


> BTW, if you find out that she is using again, you need to get that proof from a 3rd party so that you can submit as part of the custody case.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ra3a369 said:


> When i file i will make it as part of a request for full custody to have her tested. Surely they would comply with her history.


When will you file? When will you set up an appointment with a lawyer? 

You've been playing this game for months and yet your still falling for the silly games like dinner, let's pretend family for a couple hours. 

Your in denial about this whole situation as your still finding excuses to delay things. You've got this imaginary picture in your head of a family yet reality tells you it doesn't exist. 

You've got to snap yourself out of this and see the situation for what it is. The only closure your ever going to get is when you start taking your own life back.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

As soon as i can get the money. I was left holding the bag of all our finances so things are a little tight right now 



honcho said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > When i file i will make it as part of a request for full custody to have her tested. Surely they would comply with her history.
> ...


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I know I’m gonna get chastised for this but, i still have days where i miss her, and being with my family, and have that companionship. Will this feeling ever go away? Especially if or when i ever find out she is with another man. I expect my feelings to get exponentially worse.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Ra3a369 said:


> I know I’m gonna get chastised for this but, i still have days where i miss her, and being with my family, and have that companionship. Will this feeling ever go away? Especially if or when i ever find out she is with another man. I expect my feelings to get exponentially worse.



You will not get chastised for this. You will get sympathy for it. You've experienced a loss, and you're mourning the loss the relationship you thought you had. Every betrayed person feels this. Every one.

What you probably WILL get chastised for is if you then take the next step and ACT on these feelings by going back to her/trying to go back to her. That would be foolish. 

It's OK to have the feelings. Everyone does. You just can't let the feelings cloud your judgement.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ra3a369 said:


> I know I’m gonna get chastised for this but, i still have days where i miss her, and being with my family, and have that companionship. Will this feeling ever go away? Especially if or when i ever find out she is with another man. I expect my feelings to get exponentially worse.


You will have days, many days, when you will just have a crushing feeling on your chest. Yes, some will be when you see her with another man.

The good news is this: YOU can be a man with another woman. A better woman. A more beautiful woman. A younger, richer, whatever woman you want---- IF you don't crawl in a hole and throw a pity party. If you get off your ass and get busy working to make your life better in every way possible. 

You probably don't believe this. But it happened to me. I am not the most attractive dude, nor the one that makes lots of money. But, I dated women that were far more beautiful and had more character than my wife. I married one. I'm happy.
I don't think about my ex anymore. YOU WON'T EITHER.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You paid the way for a selfish narcissist. You even furnished her "new" house! All in attempts of being the caring husband. She fired you. And yes, there is another man. You said she went to rehab for the pills? Wanna guess where she met the "new" man? Tadaa!


You're a good guy, and a loving father. You need to go NC with her. Can you use your parents or inlaws to be in between for the kids. The less you see of the EW the better you will be. Also, implement the 180. Start living for YOU. Make sure you put a little selfishness in for YOU and make yourself happy. Think of it this way...You are essentially telling her "its for the better" right?!

Maybe some IC will help in building a stronger YOU, but just getting out and doing this you like and enjoy, without THEIR influence will help tremendously. 

And stop getting into negative cycles with your ex. She is baiting you to keep you around to pick up her crap and care for the little ones while she humps OM into oblivion. Sorry, but it's true. She is a broken person and she should be set free. You WILL find a better partner, lover, mother in due time. Just breathe.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Ra

Please get some counseling for your codependency.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I’m ok with being alone and all that. I have been since i was 17 when i left my abusive parents house and figured out how to be a man and adult on my own. Struggled for years barely making it and came out the other side just fine. 

The only thing I’m struggling with is the thoughts of her with another man and what they are doing and the thought of another man being around my kids at some point. It’s a disturbing thought thinking about someone messing with someone you care about and have been with for 17 years. Hard to come to terms with. I’m trying. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > I know I’m gonna get chastised for this but, i still have days where i miss her, and being with my family, and have that companionship. Will this feeling ever go away? Especially if or when i ever find out she is with another man. I expect my feelings to get exponentially worse.
> ...


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

At the time, i thought i was being a caring husband for a wife i thought had pure intentions. I was doing what i thought was right in the circumstances to take care of my family. I didn’t know i was paying the way to set up her new life without me. Had absolutely zero idea. Every time she would drop me crumbs i would eat it thinking that meant she cared and wanted this to work. Looking back i realize i was just being used for money, sex, comfort of security, etc. Soemtimes love is blind and you don’t realize people could actually be so conniving and evil. I would never put a person through what she has done to me all this time. 



BarbedFenceRider said:


> You paid the way for a selfish narcissist. You even furnished her "new" house! All in attempts of being the caring husband. She fired you. And yes, there is another man. You said she went to rehab for the pills? Wanna guess where she met the "new" man? Tadaa!
> 
> 
> You're a good guy, and a loving father. You need to go NC with her. Can you use your parents or inlaws to be in between for the kids. The less you see of the EW the better you will be. Also, implement the 180. Start living for YOU. Make sure you put a little selfishness in for YOU and make yourself happy. Think of it this way...You are essentially telling her "its for the better" right?!
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ra3a369 said:


> At the time, i thought i was being a caring husband for a wife i thought had pure intentions. I was doing what i thought was right in the circumstances to take care of my family. I didn’t know i was paying the way to set up her new life without me. Had absolutely zero idea. Every time she would drop me crumbs i would eat it thinking that meant she cared and wanted this to work. Looking back i realize i was just being used for money, sex, comfort of security, etc. Soemtimes love is blind and *you don’t realize people could actually be so conniving and evil*. I would never put a person through what she has done to me all this time.


So, do you realize it NOW?????

Tell yourself this over and over again daily. Force your brain to stop popping emotion pills and believe the truth about your wife. Then you'll gain acceptance and move forward.

Yes, you were used.
Yes, you were set up.
Yes, you were betrayed.
Yes, your wife is a bad person.
Yes, she will do it again if given the opportunity.
Yes, you fell for it.

Now what are you going to do about it? Actually DO about it? That's for you to answer to yourself.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Yes, i realize it now. I was very naive and unassuming of the evil a person and how far they will take it. Yes i feel like an idiot for not knowing or seeing it earlier and even begging and pleading in the beginning. Ha don idea our marriage ended the moment she moved out. Thought a separation was fairly normal sometimes in marriage and it would bring us closer after we worked on ourselves which is what i have been doing the whole time. 

Forget about me, we have 4 kids she equally fired from being their full time mom as well. Willingly with no remorse. Doesn’t even phase her. Now THAT is hard to accept being a parent that’s my biggest loss in this whole fiasco. I’m forced to give up a lot of their life and watch them grow everyday for what? Some ****s and giggles and some random D? Selfish i get it. I’ll get over it eventually it’s still pretty raw. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> > At the time, i thought i was being a caring husband for a wife i thought had pure intentions. I was doing what i thought was right in the circumstances to take care of my family. I didn’t know i was paying the way to set up her new life without me. Had absolutely zero idea. Every time she would drop me crumbs i would eat it thinking that meant she cared and wanted this to work. Looking back i realize i was just being used for money, sex, comfort of security, etc. Soemtimes love is blind and *you don’t realize people could actually be so conniving and evil*. I would never put a person through what she has done to me all this time.
> ...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Setting you, your relationship with her and the love you thought you two shared aside for a moment...what kind of woman abandons her husband? Abandons her four kids? Spends family funds with reckless abandon? Defrauds her husband? To do drugs? To commit crimes? To go to prison? To bang another man? To do all this without remorse? 

If you were trying to advise a buddy of yours about what to do with such a woman, what would you tell him?


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I would probably be saying wth are you doing wasting your life on someone like this? She’s obviously broken and has a lot of work to do on herself. She just had me convinced she had changed after rehab and that her family was her priority in life. That changed within a year of her getting out and starting to fall back into old routines and hanging with the same old friends. Another year later and here we are. 



Tron said:


> Setting you, your relationship with her and the love you thought you two shared aside for a moment...what kind of woman abandons her husband? Abandons her four kids? Spends family funds with reckless abandon? Defrauds her husband? To do drugs? To commit crimes? To go to prison? To bang another man? To do all this without remorse?
> 
> If you were trying to advise a buddy of yours about what to do with such a woman, what would you tell him?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I don’t think you’ve fully woken up to who your wife really is.

This cant be love. More than likely codependency. You should get some IC help


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I know. I’m in IC for that reason. Didn’t realize i had the issue until all this unfolded and i fell apart. Realized my childhood trauma of abandonment and being abused my whole life led me to that co-dependent state. I’m working on it amongst other things. I’m trying to just focus on me now. I stopped worrying and focusing on our “marriage” completely. I am trying to better myself for myself and my 4 kids who need me. She may not be the emotional mess i was but she is far from being the rock they need. I’m not out trying to fill my voids in life with sex, drugs or alcohol. My mental health and my kids are more important to me. 



Marc878 said:


> I don’t think you’ve fully woken up to who your wife really is.
> 
> This ant be love. More than likely codependency. You should get some IC help


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

And honestly i didn’t even mean to become codependent with her. I just did what i thought any good dad and husband would do and put all my energy into making my family my priority and making them happy. Never took time to make sure i was happy. Classic nice guy syndrome i know. I read it. 



Ra3a369 said:


> I know. I’m in IC for that reason. Didn’t realize i had the issue until all this unfolded and i fell apart. Realized my childhood trauma of abandonment and being abused my whole life led me to that co-dependent state. I’m working on it amongst other things. I’m trying to just focus on me now. I stopped worrying and focusing on our “marriage” completely. I am trying to better myself for myself and my 4 kids who need me. She may not be the emotional mess i was but she is far from being the rock they need. I’m not out trying to fill my voids in life with sex, drugs or alcohol. My mental health and my kids are more important to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The thing is some people are self destructive for whatever reason.

Don’t let her drag you down with her.

Your kids need a solid parent. Get yourself right for them. They need you a lot more than you need her.


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

I am. What’s messed up is when i have the kids she doesn’t call or text them at all. They don’t hear from her for 3 days straight. They don’t reach out to her either. But when she has them they always text me saying they love me or miss me or goodnight or something. 



Marc878 said:


> The thing is some people are self destructive for whatever reason.
> 
> Don’t let her drag you down with her.
> 
> Your kids need a solid parent. Get yourself right for them. They need you a lot more than you need her.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Why won’t you file?

Is she getting ANY money from you right now?


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## Ra3a369 (Jul 2, 2018)

Update- what should i do now?

I went through all our phone records for the months leading up to our separation and all the way until she got another phone and found a number she was calling all the time. Almost daily and sometimes mutkiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Even on a night where she was calling him and talking for hours and then invited me over the same night to have sex with her. And was literally on the phone with him until the minute i pulled up. Wtf. It’s some 31 year old punk kid that used to work with her. I know his name, phone and address. I went by his house but she wasn’t there and wasn’t at hers either so....

Where do i go from here?


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