# Newly married and wants to leave.



## theruler (Dec 5, 2010)

If you are reading this, thanks a lot for your time. My case is a little bit different from traditional cases. I’m a new immigrant to this country. I came here 10 yrs ago from the orient. I met a beautiful girl here and fell in love with her. Dated her for more than 3 years and have been happily married for 3 years. We are from the far east. (south asia) We got married against traditions, much to the chagrin of my parents. Her parents were very supportive. My parents have come to terms with marriage, with a little bit of grudge. Things seem to go pretty well.
Now, every time we visit old country and come back, she gets very upset. I thought she was/is homesick and gave her some space to recover. We don’t have kids. She has very limited friends circle here. Both of us are gainfully employed, so she spends her time between work/home and goes to school too. I help her as much as I can, because I know it’s hectic for her (my work is very very hectic, I work very hard, about 12-14 hrs/day). Financially, we are very reasonable. I don’t drink/smoke or do drugs. I have an MS and an excellent cook. I cook for her, do the dishes and vacuum the house. I also give her a massage when she is tired. I do not have any extra-marital affairs. I love my wife more than anything. She is the motivation of my life. We last took a vacation to Colorado and had absolute fun. This was 3 mos back.
Now, we go back to Old country one more time. She is ok for 3 days. Now, she goes to stay with her parents for 3 weeks. I come back to US after couple of weeks and she stays behind for one more week with her parents. When she comes back, she is extremely upset this time. She recounts all the little fights that we had 3 years back. I was busy couple of time with work and could not be around when she was low. (when she felt a bit depressed) This time when we were in India, I did not wish her personally on her birthday (which she wanted to celebrate with her parents), I called her up the next day. Gifted her in gold and cash. After coming to US, she cites this as one of the reasons she is upset.
Now that you get an idea of where I come from, the problem now is, she wants to go back to old country for good. 
I’m devastated.
Before we took this trip, the last thing I would’ve dreamt was typing this stuff. I’m kind of lost on what to do. Maybe our interests have started to diverge? Maybe, she doesn’t want to stay in US? I absolutely love US, I have worked very very hard to be where I’m today. I just cannot give it up and move back. I made this very clear to her before we got married. She was totally on-board with this. I don’t mind going back after 10 years, but not now. BTW, she will not eat the stuff that I cook. She tells me that this is my house and not our house. None of this happened a month back. We would sit together and eat our food together.
Is someone poisoning her mentally? I’m lost on what to do here. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I have read your story thoroughly, twice. I have seen this before and it's my opinion if you want to put a smile on her face again and return her happiness you need to make arrangements to bring someone, located at the last place you two visited, here to the US.

You might know who this is, who was she comfoted the most by seeing when you were there?

You can test this theory by asking her if there is anyone she would like to have come here and see if her face lights up.



The only other truth I can see in your story is that the hectic life she is living in the US is too much for her at the current pace and being back home feels better to her right now.

Be well and take care.


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## theruler (Dec 5, 2010)

Thank you so much for responding. You are the first person to whom I'm talking about this. You know, I will definitely ask this question to her, but I know the person she wants to be with is her mom. They are very close. But that cannot happen as her mom is working. As an FYI, I just cooked dinner for her and I'm going to serve her.

Her hectic life style will slow down by April when she is done with her MBA. We all were/are looking forward to that. And she has been doing this for 4 years now. We had also decided to wait to start our family until she is done with her MBA. 

She was OK to all of these things prior to our Asia trip.


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

I would guess that she somehow feels a lack of autonomy or a lack of equality in living with you. 

Many of the things you mention-- her complaining about not hearing from you on her birthday; her feeling that the house you both live in is really yours and not hers; and her bitterly recounting many small arguments you've had--are probably symptomatic of bigger communication issues.

I hate to say this, but her sudden desire to go back to India after 3 years of marriage be a desire to live separately from you, or make some other major life change, rather than a desire to simply go home.

Have you guys been to counseling at all? That may help you. Just the fact that you're willing to go could help things. 

Best of luck. Please tell us how it goes.


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## theruler (Dec 5, 2010)

Thanks. To be brutally honest, I do not do anything without consulting her. However, she does have some problems when it comes to big time decision making. Like she wanted to buy a home(first time home-buyers) during the peak of bubble. I knew something was fishy with the market and did not agree. We are so much better off because of that decision. 

Now, coming back to the original problem, she never once said that this is your house before she went to Old country. We were the perfect couple that you could find before she leaves for old country. Once she comes back, she is this totally different person. I'm ok to go in for marriage counselling, but how do I open this up to her? I don't want to push her into a corner and hurt her by saying that she needs counselling. 30 days back, I would never dream of anything close to counselling. Should I just give her time to get back to normal?


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*Theruler*--You don't tell her that only she needs counseling. That's not the way marriage counseling works. You say that the two of you, together, need counseling. You tell her that the trouble in your marriage isn't her fault alone or your fault alone; rather, there's something about the two of you, together, that seems to give both of you a hard time.

Let her know that you want things to be good between the two of you because you love her, and you need her in your life. There may be ways that both of you can change how you act with each other, so that you can have a happier relationship. 

Marriage counseling isn't like going to a psychiatrist because you have a mental illness. It's more like meetings to try to come to some self-knowledge and understanding, with the aim of finding peace and contentment in being with each other. (Well, that's what it should be like when you've found the right counselor, at any rate. You may have to try out a few before you both find one you feel is right. And even with counseling, you may still have trouble in your marriage. As with anything else in life, as I'm sure you know, there are no guarantees.)

Be prepared to hear some very uncomfortable--and unexpected--perspectives on how you act. She may also get some nasty revelations in the course of therapy. But if you're willing to work through them, you have a chance of coming to genuine growth as individuals and as a couple, provided that both of you: 1) work to find a counselor both of you feel good about; 2) genuinely invest yourselves, without excessive ego, in counseling; and 3) be completely honest with yourselves and each other, while treating yourselves and each other with respect.

I would guess that there's resentment or other negative feelings she's having that she's been trying to tamp down for a long time. She went to her parent's place for a while, where she didn't have to tamp down those feelings. So, when she came back to you, all the accumulated resentments and slights that she never addressed before came up in one big ball of misery, directed at you.

It may be the case that she hasn't felt free to express those feelings to you, for some reason. The reason may or may not have anything to do with you, directly. Some people were raised to keep negative emotions to themselves for the sake of maintaining at least a surface peace. Or, maybe there's some cue she's getting from you that you don't know you're even giving her. It's things like that that people go to couple's counseling to try to figure out and resolve.


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## theruler (Dec 5, 2010)

Wow. Thanks for your response. I will definitely consider finding a marriage counselor.


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