# where is her head at?



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Hi Ladies,

I have been lurking on this site for a while, reading plenty of threads and finding plenty of useful information, but it seems that as much as I learn from here (and other sites mentioned on here) I just cant seem to figure out how to fix the malfunctions in my marriage and thought I would register and ask. So here goes....

My wife has gained a few pounds, well, more than a few since we met, she has always known that FAT actually disgusts me, not the womanly soft type, but the belly is bigger than the boobs type fat, and I do not thoroughly enjoy touching her. Apparently, according to her, if I am in love with her, I should just love it all any which way. I do love her, but it is hard to get past the life long aversion to overly excessive weight.

I provide well for my wife, even though I am away for work a lot of the time (at least half of it) and would love to be able to just enjoy her body as she wants me to, but I am one of the worlds worst liers. If I don't like something I cannot hide it, if I do like something I can't hide that either. So I tell her the truth. This has caused a very big rift between us, as she doesn't want sex, because I don't "love her body" like she wants, and I cant show that I do love her by having sex with her, so I get frustrated and pull back on other things she says she wants. And there we have the start of a vicious and repetitive cycle.

We have a wee little fella, who I am absolutely head over heels with and who really enjoys his DADADAADADADADAD whenever I am home, and I want to make this marriage work. 

I feel that she has taken away the two most important things for me in this relationship, and I have reacted badly to that by taking away the little things that she wants. But I seriously cannot just suddenly find something sexy that I have never in my life found even mildly attractive.. aka FAT rolls. I feel like if she could just love her body enough to look after it and tone it back then I could start to appreciate it again and we could get back on track, but she tells me that my disapproval MAKES her comfort eat and that I have to change my views to accomodate her so she can get the confidence to lose the weight.....

ROCK :scratchhead: HARDPLACE

I am not home half the time and so cannot control or limit or even monitor what she eats, I cannot influence her to exercise or get involved in any sport, because "it just isn't her" When I am home, I cook healthy meals, go for long walks with her and Bub and the dog every day, suggest healthier choice snacks (and get abused for that)

What can I do? Talking about health has no effect, asking sweetly doesn't help, putting the foot down definitely won't work, avoiding is useless, buying the home gym has just given us an extra clothes horse, nada, nyet, nein. It is all my fault and that isn't going to change, unless she is on a downer and blames a thyroid problem(which has never been tested) I know she can be slimmer, as she was damn near 40 pounds lighter when we met. 

Before you all jump on me for being shallow, or question my fitness, I am exactly the same weight as when we first met, a little less toned as my job is now mental, rather than physical, and my chest is still larger than my abdomen.

I NEED a wife that I am attracted to physically as well as mentally, how do I convince her to bring back the other half of the equation so she can have her full husband back, the one who cared about the small things that made her happy, not just the necessities of life.

Thanks for listening.


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## NumbAndSad (Feb 8, 2011)

How old is the baby? It can take a while after being pregnant to get rid of the weight, and if postpartum depression is/was an issue, it can take even longer.

Be honest and tell her where you're at. Maybe you can join a gym and work out together, or join a pool and swim together? Though if you're not even home half the time, that may be your problem right there.

Bottom line is that YOU can't make her change. Losing weight has to be something SHE wants to do.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ladies Lounge? Really?

You are a brave man.

My views on this topic are absolute - and always have been. I don't doubt for a moment that I fall into the 'heartless, selfish, shallow, bastard' category. I accept this.

I could go off on my usual soapbox, but before I do ....

Has she always been overweight, or obese, or did it's onset coincide with marriage and children?

And let's be real .... is she overweight by 15 to 20 pounds or is she obese?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Deejo said:


> I don't doubt for a moment that I fall into the 'heartless, selfish, shallow, bastard' category. I accept this.


Deejo you are SO funny!! I love that. 

I was thinking "Oh my is he going to get slammed!" when I 1st read this. I ask my husband alot of questions, just for something to do, I asked him how he would feel/ react if I gained alot of weight. He told me he would still love me no matter what, never leave me --BUT *he would loose desire for me*, the sex would dry up. 

This is what you are experiencing. I know my husband is not a 'heartless, selfish, shallow, bastard', just an honest man.

After all medical tests have been exhausted, it comes down to her wanting to do this for herself , for you, for the marraige. She has to feel the "value" in it. If she truly wants what once was- in all that passionate sexual energy & some healthy desious lust, this is HER ticket. This is like anything else in life , GOOD things require a little work!! 

If you can get her to "see this" with some motivation , just be sure to encouragement her to the hilts and stand beside her as she takes the lbs off. 

If not joining a gym, start taking country walks together, riding bikes, swimming, if you have ON DEMAND for cable, check out their many free Exercise programs.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ok...no amount of "policing" is going to get her to want to change her weight. And it's most likely that you can stock the fridge with all the healthy stuff in the world, and it's just going to rot. SHE has to want to do something about this. But the first order of business would be to find out WHY she's overeating. 

Stress...depression...boredom...FOO issues...there are many reasons someone self medicates with food. Barring a health issue (such as the thyroid, or something else), she's self medicating. And since I don't know your wife, I don't know what words you need to use to get her to see that there is an underlying issue that she CAN get help with. Sounds like she's already on the defensive with you, and anything you say at this point might make it worse. 

If I were you...I would start out gently one night after your son is in bed. Ask her if she's satisfied with YOU and y'alls way of life. Ask her if she's doing the things in life she truly likes to do, or if she's unfulfilled somewhere. Just a start.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Ladies Lounge? Really?
> 
> You are a brave man.




Mephisto, she has to solve this problem. No amount of neglect, anger, displays of disgust or confusion on your behalf will help. 

I agree with Homemaker here. You should talk to her in a sense where you worry about her health rather than you not being sexually attracted to her. The first sends a message of care and concern with the later sending a message of selfish interest.

Until she decides she wants to change there is nothing you will be able to do to change it. 

I adore honesty in a relationship and so I won't fault yours but if your honesty is counter productive and you've already voiced it with no change on her behalf than it is best to stick to a neutral argument.

I would also suggest taking an interest in her interests and working to build her up and allow her a life outside of the roles of homemaker, mother and wife.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> ...My views on this topic are absolute - and always have been. I don't doubt for a moment that I fall into the 'heartless, selfish, shallow, bastard' category. I accept this. ...


I am a female-type person and I am also fully figured, and just so you know, Mephisto and Deejo, even I get this. Some people have a need for a physically attractive spouse, just the same way that some people have a need for a spouse that provides for them financially. Both are accused of being "Shallow" but it's not shallowness...it's just the ingredient needed so love is sparked. 

What she is asking is roughly the same as if you gradually earned less and less money, worked fewer and fewer hours until you were 100% unemployed BY CHOICE and then said to her "You only love me for my money! You have to love me without a job or any desire to get one before I'll have the confidence to try for one (which btw is no guarantee I'll actually work...I just "try")." How many women, if they heard that, would say that's "unconditional love"?? 

So first, bear in mind that what you need to generate that loving feeling is what you need to generate that loving feeling! That's not being shallow--that's communicating what it is that sparks the flame for you. 

Second, bear in mind that until she loves herself enough to want to be healthy--she's not going to. This weight thing is very much like the guy who has no real job skills, lost his general labor job, and now he feels depressed about himself and trapped...unable to change. What does THAT GUY have to do to get out of that predicament? He has to value himself enough to motivate himself to get some training, get out there and get some experience, and keep at it despite some set backs and rejection. Right? Same here. She has to value herself enough to motivate herself to train, get out there and try it--make look uncoordinated, and keep at it despite some set backs and stumbles. So SHE has to do it and want to do it...not you "monitoring" her. 

Finally, it may make sense to her if you explain the idea of loving you for your money. If she is the type of lady who likes/expects her husband to provide a lifestyle which they both accept, and if she does love you but would be upset if you gradually just quit working, she'd understand that she loves you but she's not being shallow--that part of what contributes to her love is that you provide for her and the family. She might also be able to understand that when a person marries, they agree to take on some responsibilities--and one of those is to find out what sparks love in their spouse and make the effort to keep doing that! She expects YOU to keep providing money (and that's not shallow)...and you expect HER to keep being physically attractive (and that's not shallow). 

And just so you know, I do happen to be blessed with a man who thinks my Queen Latifah figure is all kinds of attractive!!


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Ok, so I did not get flamed as I had thought I would from everyone, Thank you all for taking the time to discuss this with me. And DEEJO, yeah, I have no lack in the brave front department, I needed to know a woman's mindset, so I asked the ladies.

So to answer a few of the questions, she gained weight when we first started dating, and faithfully promised she would lose it and it was all due to her change in environment. 

The only time she actually lost weight is DURING the pregnancy, but I was home a lot more owing to change in work, and we walked a LOT of miles every day, never pushed too far, if she was tired, she cabbed it home, but we walked 6-8 miles most days between coffee dates with friends and lunch dates and dog exercise. 

I could see the delight in her face when her long term friends and family saw her again and all commented on how great she was looking, especially at 8 months! She was happy about her progress, but now, she is right back up there at the heaviest I have seen her. We moved back down to the town she is from so she is now surrounded by her friends and her family, so her support network is all in place. Our lad is 12 months old and a really good little kid, sleeps well during the day and night, happy most of the time, content to play with his toys and doesn't need that constant attention that some kids need.

I am still working away, I earn a decent living and we have all the stuff we need to cook and prepare the healthiest of meals. And the freezer is stacked with ready to eat healthy meals.... I honestly think that I have done all I can to help her, but she does love to snack a little too much. She tells me that she NEEDS to eat this and that to keep her blood sugar up, but refuses to eat the fruit that I always buy.

She admits she has always battled depression to some degree, but refuses to exercise or do anything about it, or take anything for it. Now it is all my fault in some way or another, and I am at my wits end trying to soothe her, while standing up for myself and not becoming her victim or scapegoat.....

Out of time to add any more at the moment, will check back and see if there is any more advice to be had.

Thanks again to all!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Clearly she likes to walk, or she wouldn't have done 6-8 miles with you at any time.

Do you live in a climate that makes it possible to walk outside most of the time? She could get going with the baby in the stroller if she had a pleasant place to walk. Could you re-start the walks when you are home? She can't start out at that distance (maybe she could, if you were willing to let it take time), but if she found places she loved to go, 3 or 4 miles from home, and made it part of her routine with the baby, it wouldn't feel like "working out." 

Other than this, you need to leave her alone. If you can get her hooked on this exercise again, great. She may hate sports and sweating and a gym wouldn't work if she does. But something as relaxing and healthful as walking may strike her as an effort worth making. 

This is not an excuse for you to continue to be shallow however, and I know from observing the people around me and from personal experience that one's "preference" for a body type is social, not biological. Plenty of overweight people are attractive to their partners--even some morbidly obese, which many of us find unattractive. There is a big difference between overweight and morbidly obese, however, and being heavier is a normal part of aging (and child bearing) around the world. Obesity is a different issue and may require therapy to help her deal with issues that lead her to comfort-eat--something she should do no matter what, because it means she isn't dealing with the issues. If she was addicted to exercise for dealing with issues, that would still be a problem, albeit a problem of a different sort. 

You may be giving your wife the impression that she has to be totally fit and toned for you to love her, and that is an unrealistic expectation on your part, and something you need to work on. If you just want her in a healthy weight range, be sure to clarify what you mean, b/c she may have a false understanding.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi M I think I can help if she is motivated. My husband and I exercise 3x week but not strenuously enough to hurt or burn. Research shows that it is not neccesary to increase the work that fast twitch muscle fiber do because they produce lactic acid but to increase slow twitch muscle fibers that use glucose and therefore decrease glucose in the blood. Rapid rise in blood glucose is the reason for belly fat and weight gain. A diet high in foods that dump glucose into the blood rapidly tend to increase wt but eating the same amount of calories that results in a slow rise in blood glucose actualy helps to loose wt depending on the valley intake. 

Google low glycemic index foods it will bring sites that list the foods that should be avoided and foods that should be included. We avoid white rice, white bread white potatoes etc. Instead we have sweet potatoes, pasta with high content of maize flour and I make bread with high maize flour (king Autger site). We don't cont calories and rarely eat sweets. If we want a swee t we hive high cocoa chocolate, sugar free ice cream. Stay away from low fat commercially prepared foods and read labels. There is a lot of hidden sugar in foods. It not the fats that are the problem, we use olive oil liberally and butter sparingly. The butter because of the chemicals in low fat preparations. 

We don't feel like we diet because we eat what we want but avoid certain foods. Exercise is not unpleasant because it does not hurt, long walks at a leisurely pace, always, walking down stairs etc. Any thing to increase slow twitch muscle fibers that use glucose. Look all that up, its the easiest way to stay fit. The wt comes off very slowly, it took me 6 months to loose the 20 lbs I gained after 2nd child. Hope this helps. Explain this to her and maybe have her read it. She is being stubborn by refusing to lose wt. In a very kind way tell her that you are heard for a sexless marriage and you love her too much to let that happen. 

BTW- it is common for people to mistake love and sexual attraction, you can't help what is a turn off, I can not stand belly rolls either and I am not shallow that's just the way I am. ,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Are you gonna be okay with a sexless marriage? At what point is she gonna be able to have sex with you again or you her?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It could also be a hormonal issue if during pregnancy she was feeling better, it's possible the hormones were helping her and masked a hormonal imbalance. Is she on birth control?


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Mephisto....is it possible for you to get a job closer to home so you are home every night? Maybe her losing weight during pregnancy had more to do with you being around rather than the pregnancy itself.

If she is prone to depression, then perhaps she is spending too much time on her own and needs you around to keep her on track.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

From personal experience, I'd say it is because you do not have a fulltime relationship - committed yes. Family yes but being apart half the time HURTS and depending on the person (woman in her and my case!) and self-esteem, boredom, the whole package yada yada, it can impact or manifest in the form of what's known as comfort eating but in fact is more of a habit which, yes, can be unlearned. Not broken - silly word. 
I could recommend a book but that's probably against forum rules!


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

A lot of valid points here, but I must admit, I have tried most of these things. I have tried to work out with her and be her "personal trainer" (at her request) but after a solid month of EVERY time I tried to get her to do any of the exercises I was greeted with a flurry of arguments that "that won't work for me" and "I need to do less because I don't want to be big and bulky" .... 

Seriously, I trained under a pro body builder for 2 years, and I was very close to going down the PT path, I am not an idiot when it comes to what workouts will do to you, and she knows this, but still the constant arguments got the better and I told her that she seemed to know perfectly well how to fix her problems so I would train in my own time and let her do it on her own..... then I was the bad guy for not helping her. :scratchhead:

I have not been home since discovering this site, and have already looked into the Lovebusters deal, and I seriously think it will be an enormous help, it has made me realize that we are both speaking a totally different love language, the things she does for me which I have just put down to her being her, are actually the things she thinks that I want or need to feel loved, and the things I do to show that I care are written off by her as they are not the things that she sees as important...... 

I am planning on having a nice quiet evening with perhaps a bottle (or 2) of nice wine, sitting down with ten cards made up and get her to organize her list of five, and I will show her my five, so she can see in a nutshell and an instant that we are looking for the same thing, but from opposite ends of the spectrum.... I am really hoping she will accept that and help move forward by playing to the others lists instead of trying to tell me that my list is all wrong. 

I would refer her to this site, but I think I made a little booboo and used a nic that she would probably recognise, that plus the story and my wording would probably cause a bit of a scene that she wouldn't let me live down in a hurry.... alas.

Anyway good people, I am delighted indeed to have found a group who can discuss things like this and not just flame a guy because he complains about a girls weight, and will look forward to any other advice you can give.

MADIMOFF, I am pretty sure I have seen plenty of books touted on here, so if it is a rule they don't seem to enforce it. 

SURFERGIRL, I can't earn anywhere near my current wage if I stay at home, it is a price I pay now to be able to enjoy my life later once we have security.

CATHERINE and SISTER, Thank you for the advice, I will keep trying to interest her like that, but unfortunately, when she was pregnant we lived on the outskirts of a beautiful Spanish beach town wth 2000 bars and restaurants to wander between, and the walking was always a pleasure (except in August...) now we are in a small rural town where there is nothing worth doing down the main street.....  but her parents live close at hand....

HOMEMAKER, if the marriage builder advice doesn't snap her out of her impression of me as the big bad wolf, then I guess professional help will be next on the agenda, although I can see that that will create it's own set of dilemnas

Thanks again
M


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> SURFERGIRL, I can't earn anywhere near my current wage if I stay at home, it is a price I pay now to be able to enjoy my life later once we have security.
> 
> M


Okay that's easy.....move your family closer to where you work. It amazes me how many people sacrifice today's happiness for something that may never happen.


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## Lisa2008 (Feb 18, 2011)

Omg are you sure you are not my husband?? lol...wOw for a moment i thought it was my husband...

My husband keep on telling me to loose weight, but the more he tells me, the less i try, it is a bit hard to explain, i had his baby ,and after the baby i gained about 45 pounds, i joined the gym but i quit... 

Have you thought of a lipo for her?? i think it is about $5000
I am debating if i have one ...If you can not pay it at once you can finance it through carecredit( a creditcard that is basically for braces, lipos, facelifts etc) if you consider doing a surgery like lipo for her i will recommend to check carecredit.com...( i did my lasik eye surgery and i paid it in one year.

It is really hard to loose weight, but it isnot impossible...

There are a lot of things that my husband used to do in bed that he no longer does, i guess now i know the BIG ANSWER and it is because of my WEIGHT...

Does your wife works?? if she does not work, she can try walking for an hour,,,One thing i know for sure is that it all DEPENDS with us and if we are stubborn we were never get anywhere.

Good luck and thank you for inspiring me to join the gym today 

Lisa


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

LISA,

There is no way in HELL, that I would ever fork out for lipo, it is an invasive and brutal "treatment" that really does nothing more than suck out the deposits of fat. It does nothing to teach the person about learning to respect and care for their own body and sure as night follows day, they are guaranteed to put that weight right back on again. BUT realize this, the scarring that is left internally, will show thru, so what was once a smooth skin stretched over some fat that can be easily managed away, is now roughened and less than ideally textured area of your body that WILL cause more body issues than it solved. 

I BEG YOU, DO NOT CONSIDER THIS!!!!!

Congrats on joining the gym, set yourself small and attainable goals, these will keep you motivated rather than trying for one big goal. Try aiming to lose 2cm from your belly or thigh or bust, or losing a single pound, it is far easier and quicker to do that than to lose 40 pounds, BUT if you catch that little hurdle of success once a week, or even once a fortnight, it will motivate you to try to do it again next week. You can carry these small battles for a lot longer than one mighty war. With many small successes you may not even notice that you have attained the BIG final goal at all, but your hubby, your friends and your family certainly will, and I can almost guarantee that they WILL compliment you and give you the added confidence boosts to carry you along.

Best of luck with it!

SURFERGIRL, nice advise, but unfortunately it is simply not possible in my line of work. I work offshore, and it is not a place that I could bring my wife and son, nor is it a place I would want them to be. Where we live is, for now, where she wants to be and where we need to be. We have a plan to be in a better place when my boy is starting school and we are working towards that. We just have a hiccup or two to deal with in our own relationship between now and then.

Thanks ladies!


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

My advice... Stop talking about it!!!! that will just make her resent you and almost want to baloon up in spite of you.. Just saying.... 

As a woman, as me... gawds, I have found myself attracted some of the least attractive men you will meet... bald, pudgy, plain... possibly just plain homely, but it is not the body that excites me, but the person. I can look at a guy one minute and think "ewe", then ten minutes after talking to him think "ooo.... me likey". Now maybe she is the same way and interprets your repulsion not as one to her physical, but to her entire being. So yes, she thinks if you love her, well.... you will see past that, or not see it at all.

Now, if you lay off for a while, maybe she wont feel resentfull and fix things on her own, for HERSELF! I lost plenty of weight over the last few years, but I think it was in part to a man finding me attractive BEFORE i lost it and oddly that made me more attentive to how I looked, and made me want to be even MORE attractive to him. A man who makes a crack about adding on, well, I just add on more... 

Actually, I have seen men get nervous when their wives lose weight, because they wonder who are they losing it for... who are they trying to attract...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mephisto,

IMO probably one of the best things you've realized is that you're both showing each other love in different languages, and you want to make an effort to bridge those differences and give love to each other in each other's language.

Woodstock has a point about backing off, but I don't really know what is most effective for helping your wife lose weight and get healthy.

On the one hand, if she feels loved and accepted she may feel inspired to do the best for herself AND please you by getting in shape. 
On the other hand, if she feels loved and accepted she may see no reason to put in the effort.

You said you were her personal trainer for a little while, but met resistance from her. Would she be open to hiring one? (Sorry if that's been covered already) It sounds like she wants to work out, it's just really hard for her so she loses steam.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Until she figures out why she's self medicating with food, it's not going to get any better. She's unhappy *somewhere*.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

WOODSTOCK, you seem to think I should just bury my head in the sand, forget that I have any wants or needs, or god forbid that I should actually have my own opinion of what is attractive or pleasant? Seriously, I communicated this with my wife, before she was my wife, that there are things I like and things I don't, I still do, what is wrong with that? She tells me every day what she wants.. only difference is she wants something different every day, I want two basic things, the rest I don't care much for, attraction and sex. right now, I have half of one of those. At Best.

She knows she stepped outside of those boundaries and has done sweet FA to come back into the fold and supply THAT need for me, and I, in turn (albeit, I know it is not "right") have removed some of the things that SHE likes, wants or needs in return. I DO NOT nor will I ever, find excessive fat a turn on, how can I be expected to "perform" to the standard she wants when touching the rolls gives me a limpy.... 

I have endured this BS for too long, I kept my mouth shut about it for too long, I am moving from the devoted husband stage to the I just don't give a **** any more stage and am starting to think of out being an option, but I am not straying, I am not doing anything dishonourable, I have asked for a little bit of women's insight to help me to steer her in the right direction, that being come back to the weight that she first attracted me in with. This solves our intimacy issues and gives our marriage the spark to move ahead. 

I have decided enough is enough and it is time for action and new tactics, because I want to save my damn marriage, and you suggest that I just shut the hell up and hope she comes around? Time for action is NOW.... well in 4 days when I get home.

So thanks for your input, but no thanks, you obviously didn't read anything other than the initial post.

CREDAM, Thank you for your words of support. I don't think a PT is really an option where we are, small rural town, not even a gym in town, so I will just have to see what she intends to do, whether I have to work out a regime for her and work with her while I am home or what, it is sooo damned hard to plan it as she is female and prone to strange reactions to logic.... :scratchhead: I guess the biggest thing will be the lovebusters/ marriage builder exercises and her reaction to them. I am truly hoping that they galvanize a positive response in her on this. We shall just have to wait and see!

Thanks again Ladies.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Never said bury your head in the sand, it is just that men react to different things. You OP came off as sounding like you were giving her what might make YOU change, without realizing that men and women respond differently to things. Being blunt and straight up to a guy and saying "You're getting fat and it's gross" might make him jump on a treadmill, but saying that to a woman is more likely to make her jump into a devil's food cake.

You were looking for a woman't insight, I gave it. Sure you have needs, I am not saying you don't. I was just trying to help you getting them filled is all. 

And frankly.. as a woman, I will tell you that if a man told me he could never love a fat woman, well honestly... not that I have ever stayed with a man who said that long enough for me to fall in love with him.... if I WAS in love with him, because of how I see and feel love, I would probably not really believe it and just think, "well he would still love me, he just does not realize that" A kind of feeling that love conquers all. 

Just sayin... I have heard other women say the same... a woman's insight... you asked for it


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The "Leave it alone or you will make it worse." or "Try to engage her and work out with her." contribution tends to be the most common input from the ladies. From a woman's perspective, I don't doubt that it's valid. I do not discount that women have a host of self-esteem and body image issues to contend with.

Fact remains, if she is scarfing down sleeves of cookies and not exercising, she is going to be obese ... and will blame you instead of taking responsibility.

I'm guessing that our attitudes are in alignment. I see it as a respect issue. You don't respect yourself and you don't respect me. 

And if you would rather blame me for not being physically attracted to you rather than actually doing something for yourself that will make us both feel better ... then there isn't much more to be done, other than move on.

The women that I have partnered with, have always shared this same point of view. There was a time in my marriage when my ex looked right at me and said, "You need to start working out again. You're getting fat."
Statement prompted action. Simple as that. I want to be fit and look good for my partner, and myself.

Unfortunate that your wife can't see it differently. Best of luck.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> she is female and prone to strange reactions to logic.


Ooooh....that's a bias you may want to rein in, especially in the ladies' lounge...there are LOTS of logically minded women in the world and on this forum, quite a few of whom have tried to offer you some concrete and logical help with your problem. (There are also quite a few emotional men who reject logic when THEIR buttons are pushed, but that's another story.)

But if gender-specific generalizations work for you, let's try this one: 

Many women are intuitive and responsive to non-verbal energy. Is it possible that your wife senses disapproval and judgment from you, an assumption that she is fundamentally illogical, flawed, and who knows what else, and is passive aggressively showing YOU that SHE "doesn't give a **** anymore" ?

You have every right to want to be attracted to your wife, and to want her to be healthy and fit.

But you're not going to accomplish that if you send a disapproving and judgmental energy. I'm not assuming you ARE. But if you really want to save your marriage, as you say, start by really considering and examining the energy you're sending.


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## oldbill43 (Feb 11, 2011)

Mephisto, she may have issues.... then again she may not, after having a baby, our bodies go heywire... can take a while before we come around and see that we're still human. 

I feel for you, its going to be a "Trial and effor" response from me, do all you can for her as her best friend, move her very slowly towards a healthy diet, and exercise, make it almost "As a matter of fact approach" when you do this or you'll send her into self doubt about your intentions, it's easier to make the other person think it was their idea to get fit and not yours. 

As the bottom line is about sex if feel, as she'll only change when she is ready to change.. Good luck.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I see that they have covered all of the really big things. I will say that I totally understand. I am however an EXCELLENT liar and he never felt the deep breath before... he got lucky that I am the way I am and then very unlucky now, well read my other posts lol Enough about all that.

My point is that my husband was 400lbs by the time I had our three children out of my body. Got as much as 425 that we measured... I tried everything!!! She has to want it... nothing else will do...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

M
What do you have to lose by reminding her of that conversation you had before marriage? Or by telling her exactly what you wrote in your last post, albeit more kindly. If you don't tell her, it unlikely that your marriage will last.

If you do tell her and she does get affronted and will not get to a weight that you find attractive then your marriage will not last. Either way, the relationship suffers. By telling her in the most serious way you can, you give her a chance to stop the downhill course of your relationship.

Lets say you decided to take a shower only once a month from now on and wanted to have sex with her. What would happen. She would reject you and tell you to clean up. No one would argue that she had a right to expect a change at her request. I don't think your request is much different although it will take more effort on her part.

this has nothing to do with gender, woman lose sexual attraction to their husbands when they get beer bellies, lazy & sloppy, bald, have erectile dysfunction etc. 

I don't however agree with the posters who are suggest you take the authoritative, admonishing, superior, demanding, lecturing tone. 

But there is no chance if he takes the authoritative, superior lecturing tone. That might get results along with resentment she may get down to fighting weight and decide to cheat or get a new man.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Truth is, I'd never be married to you to begin with so it's hard for me to give advice and I don't understand the predicament that many men & women have here. I was very neutral in my first response because I've seen these threads come through and they come through from both men and women who truly value shape & form. I figured out that they're just different than me and I can't relate so instead of spewing judgement I refrain and try to stay helpful based upon their perception because it is your perception here that matters.

-BUT-

I don't get it and so I must vomit my actual perception on this.

I value my shape and form because I want to and I do want my husband to as well but when I think back over the years, there was a time after our third child was born when I was up there on the scale. I felt like crap but eating chips at 2am (instead of typing on internet forums or writing a grant or whatever else I've done over the years) was my thing. It was a habit.

My husband not once criticized me or called me fat or ugly. His compliments never wained over the years. After I lost all the weight and got back in shape I asked him why he didn't seem to notice. He said & still says, Notice what? I didn't even realize you were over weight, you've always been so sexy and beautiful to me. Our sex life never suffered through out.

Well, break my little heart. This type of blind love is what I want. I guess I sort of want it for your wife too even though I get that she doesn't have it and will never have it because she fell in love with you and that's OK, I'm sure there are things that make your relationship worthwhile.

My husband is...hmmm...I'd say 30 - 40 pounds heavier than he was when we married. I've never thought...ewww he's unattractive, quite the opposite, I adore his body. He's working out now with me but I never asked him to because I want him to look better. I ask him to because I want to spend time with him.

If my husband turned out to be you and when I was juggling that extra weight and feeling crappy about myself he chose to tell me I needed to get on a regime he had planned out because I gross him out...*shudder* *cry* *shudder* *F You, You shallow freak who doesn't deserve all I have to offer*

You said you value honesty so I'm going to share my perspective. It doesn't really help you though because what I see as the solution is her getting excited about wanting to be in shape and making the choice to do so on her own. Your demands and view of my body as your toy that you're unhappy with would equal me harboring mass resentments towards you.

Set your boundary. Tell her you're ready to walk and be prepared to do so. She very well may be better off in the long run and perhaps you will as well.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> 
> My wife has gained a few pounds, well, more than a few since we met, she has always known that FAT actually disgusts me, not the womanly soft type, but the belly is bigger than the boobs type fat, and I do not thoroughly enjoy touching her. Apparently, according to her, if I am in love with her, I should just love it all any which way. I do love her, but it is hard to get past the life long aversion to overly excessive weight.


If you do really love someone you would be able to look past all of that. Your rejection of her will only make her feel worse and probably gain more weight.


> I provide well for my wife, even though I am away for work a lot of the time (at least half of it) and would love to be able to just enjoy her body as she wants me to, but I am one of the worlds worst liers. If I don't like something I cannot hide it, if I do like something I can't hide that either. So I tell her the truth. This has caused a very big rift between us, as she doesn't want sex, because I don't "love her body" like she wants, and I cant show that I do love her by having sex with her, so I get frustrated and pull back on other things she says she wants. And there we have the start of a vicious and repetitive cycle.


Women cannot get turned on and relax if they feel the man they are with is not attracted to them. Your wife must feel positively awful.
And can I just say, perfect looking people are few and far between, and there are probabkly many many men who would love a wife who would just have sex with them and love her for who she is.


> We have a wee little fella, who I am absolutely head over heels with and who really enjoys his DADADAADADADADAD whenever I am home, and I want to make this marriage work.


Having a baby is huge strain on the body, as an adult surely you can rationally see that your wife used her body to give you a son and now you are being disrespectful about that. 



> I feel that she has taken away the two most important things for me in this relationship, and I have reacted badly to that by taking away the little things that she wants. But I seriously cannot just suddenly find something sexy that I have never in my life found even mildly attractive.. aka FAT rolls. I feel like if she could just love her body enough to look after it and tone it back then I could start to appreciate it again and we could get back on track, but she tells me that my disapproval MAKES her comfort eat and that I have to change my views to accomodate her so she can get the confidence to lose the weight.....


Having a baby to you took her body away, to make out like she is consciously choosing to look that way is ridiculous. I think anyone with weight issues if they could really choose would just wave a magic wand and choose to look the way they really want, but that's not real life. Real life is full of complex issues and emotions and barriers.

Believe me when I say that you are contributing to your wifes problems by crushing her self esteem and confidence, and the biggest problem is you.


> ROCK :scratchhead: HARDPLACE
> 
> I am not home half the time and so cannot control or limit or even monitor what she eats, I cannot influence her to exercise or get involved in any sport, because "it just isn't her" When I am home, I cook healthy meals, go for long walks with her and Bub and the dog every day, suggest healthier choice snacks (and get abused for that)
> 
> What can I do? Talking about health has no effect, asking sweetly doesn't help, putting the foot down definitely won't work, avoiding is useless, buying the home gym has just given us an extra clothes horse, nada, nyet, nein. It is all my fault and that isn't going to change, unless she is on a downer and blames a thyroid problem(which has never been tested) I know she can be slimmer, as she was damn near 40 pounds lighter when we met.


What can you do? Stop being a shallow jerk and appreciate what you have, fully love your wife and build her self esteem instead of taking it away.



> Before you all jump on me for being shallow, or question my fitness, I am exactly the same weight as when we first met, a little less toned as my job is now mental, rather than physical, and my chest is still larger than my abdomen.


Whoops my bad, I all ready called you that. but seriously how many babies have you had lately?



> I NEED a wife that I am attracted to physically as well as mentally, how do I convince her to bring back the other half of the equation so she can have her full husband back, the one who cared about the small things that made her happy, not just the necessities of life.


And your wife clearly needs a husband who has a clue and cares more about her as a person, and real loving connection then having someone who will forever look the way they used to.

Hopefully you change before she realizes that people lose weight all the time, but ugly personalities tend to stay forever.

Life happens , people age, bodies change, get over it!


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

WOODSTOCK, I apologise for being a little snippy towards you earlier, thank you for your input, but I honestly have been thru the entire spectrum, from communicating, to supporting, to aiding, to information sharing, to ignoring it(trying), to giving her space, back to communicating. I need to find something new, something that I think I have a chance with, and for now, the marriage builders/ lovebusters is the plan of attack. Something has to give, because we are falling apart.

CREDAM, perhaps it would have read better if I had put "she is A female and SHE IS prone to strange reactions to logic." It was a tongue in cheek comment, poking fun at the difficulties that men and women have in understanding each other, highlighted by the :scratchhead: 

I think you are probably right about the energy that I send out, but that is something that has built up over the last few years, it is a building resentment of the fact she seems to care less about what I want, but I am still expected to fulfill all of her wants, needs and whims (of which there are many!) 

OLDBILL, indeed I do like the way you think, perhaps I should study more of the ways of Derren Brown to make that work for me. It has already been a long road of trial and error and I am really hoping that we can come to an understanding soon.

TRENTON, I have read some of you other posts and indeed I can agree with you on some of your views, and I would like to point out one of your very favourite quotes. 

"‘All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing" -Edmund Burke

When you see illness, disease and poor health as an evil, then this good man is not gonna stand by and let his best friend and WIFE be consumed by it. The pay-off for this is more than just a happier husband for her, it is a more fulfilling life. Healthy choices are a must in life, sure we can fudge from time to time, sure we can overindulge a little here and there, but to forget that a basic rule of eating is "Eat till you are full, not till you are tired!" I am sorry if my views on life in general are skewed by your standards, but I think that you need to remember one of MY favourite quotes:

"When you think you can see further than anyone before you, remember that you are standing on the shoulders of the giants who came before you" Sir Isaac Newton

Congratulations on finding a man who suits your needs, I do hope you have a fantastic life together, but as you too are on this forum, I am going to assume that you have had problems in your own marriage that you needed some outside help, or influence from other people. As you have stayed around for a while, it seems you found something worth staying for, so here we both are, out of your entire spiel, I have found a gem of advice, Thank You Very Much for: 

"the solution is her getting excited about wanting to be in shape and making the choice to do so on her own."

:iagree::smthumbup:
BINGO, here I am asking HOW this can be achieved. Answer me this and we can all go home happy.

SHIANNE, I cant lie well enough to even bother trying, so I tell the truth, but it REALLY does hurt when your spouse lies to you, hope you don't make H2 a sad hubby that way. Thanks for understanding, even if your post was a little confusing

CATHERINE, I want to help her in any way I can, short of forgetting that weight matters. I hold myself to that standard and maintain my weight, and I expect that same in return. She knows and must now be inspired to make the effort. Thanks for your support.

DEEJO, Couple of worthy lines to drop if the conversation escalates to anything more than civil. I will not be pulled into any more arguments about it.

And for the flamer/s......

Let's make a few things clear here, I have not said that I do not love my wife, she is my best friend and we still enjoy each others company. I am looking for ways to motivate her here, not to tear her down, and I am not looking for perfection, I am looking for her to actually care for herself, to love herself a little bit. I am not after a sports illustrated model, but neither do I want to sleep with the Pillsburgh Doughboy!

To those of you who think I should just magically see past it, your blind denials of reality just piss off anyone who actually REALLY feels that it is a problem in their life, you all carry on about your H or SO not caring about your weight, and never commenting, well bravo to him, you have yourself a right top fella there..... more than likely you were chunky when you met, and that is something that he is attracted to, but (as mentioned by other posters) if he didn't bathe for a month, didn't ever brush his teeth and had really bad halitosis and had some sort of fungus growing around his bits, can any one of you say that you wouldn't SAY anything to him? If he continued on without changing anything to rectify that, would you just see beyond it all and still feel that deep burning desire that made you fall in love when he did take steps to remain as clean and attractive as he could? I seriously doubt it. 

How about if he drank till he puked everyday and passed out in his own filth.... you would be long gone.

If he quit his job and sat around the house all day, let you do all the housework, earn all the money and manage all the maintenance in your house, would you still be gooey for him at the end of the day? HELL NO. Wake up and smell the coffee, we all have things in our life that we want, and when we get married, we generally make a commitment to that person to try to fill their needs in return for them filling yours. So why the hell do you think it is so bad of a guy to want something, not one of you Modern Women will put up with undesirable behaviour from your spouse, so why the hell should a man have to? Is it simply because he has BALLS???? 

How many of you so called BLIND LOVE enthusiasts have complained to your husband about the position of the toilet seat? or the way he drives? or the way he washes up or stacks the dishwasher? or any little thing that he may or may not do that you preferred he did differently? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU.

So if any of you "ladies" who think that I am a nasty ******* for wanting my wife to lead a healthier and more active lifestyle, and to start making choices that will improve her own fitness and happiness, which, as a pay-off, will gain her a happier and more attentive and loving husband, can honestly say that you NEVER complain about a single thing your H does, then FLAME ON. If not, stay off this thread or come back with some advice that will be proactive instead of reactive. 

WE have plenty of time to live in 60 year old bodies when we ARE 60, for now I prefer my 30 odd year old body to look and function as a 30 odd year old body should, and to have a wife with the body of a healthy 30 odd year old and not a 60 odd year old.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You didn't come here for advice - you came here to be right.

Where is that going to lead you? -well right into divorce quite frankly, or probably right into a life with a miserable wife who either keeps gaining weight, or searches for someone to value, love and appreciate her. 

Just because someone calls you on your awful attitude doesn't mean they have nothing valuable to offer.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I'm with Deejo here (surprise!).

I am a woman who has borne two children and yes, at one point I had a problem with weight due to my pregnancies.

Reason being - I ate like a pig - it wasn't because I was pregnant, it wasn't because I was a woman - it was simple -you can't eat a half dozen doughnuts for breakfast and two Whoppers for lunch and a full dinner and NOT expect to get fat.

I gained 60 lbs with my first and almost 100 lbs with my second - because I overate BIG TIME - not just because I was pregnant.

Being in the military at the time I had no choice but to lose the weight or it prevented me from making promotion, getting a reassignment, etc. So I did lose the weight.

After I retired in 2004, due to a medical issue (PCOS), I gained weight to where I was almost 300 lbs. It was terrible and yes, my husband did pull away from me, because like the OP, he hates FAT - and that's okay - because I don't like it either - my ex husband gained weight and became FAT and it was a huge turn-off, I used every excuse in the book to get out of intimacy with him because the visual image of him naked was yucky to say the least.

I worked very hard, after diagnosis and medication to lose that extra weight. Not just because it turned my husband off, but because it turned ME off every time I saw myself in the mirror - I was fat and unattractive, even to me.

Your wife is not at that point. While she knows, as you've indicated so, that she is not attractive to you (sexually) overweight - she is not turned off by how she looks to herself (not enough). Until she gets to that point, and does it for her - I'm afraid you're not going to make much headway.

For someone who has never been overweight - they just don't understand. People who are overweight know they are, they know how they look and they are just as disgusted as you are - but until they FEEL themselves that they can't look at themselves in the mirror anymore, then you can't force them into change.

So you have a decision to make - start setting consequences for her behavior. She apparently believes that even if she remains overweight - you will still be there...without consequences, then the behaviors that made her overweight won't change until SHE is sick of it.

Good luck - I've been where she's at - difficult, but not impossible.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Historically, this subject has been a volatile issue, although certainly one worthy of discussion.

Please refrain from personal attacks and name calling.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

being obese is yet another issue that requires an individual to really want to change before it gets batter. smoking, drinking, anger and lack of sex drive all fit into similar catagory. you have to want to change.

some people obese people want it bad enough to have surgery (lap band) to correct it (al roker comes to mind). some people just wont change no matter what.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

My whole everything is confusing and my relationship is nothing like yours. Yes it does bug my hubby when I lie about my emotions but it bugs him a lot worse when the real me shows up and starts talking. That brings screams and yells followed by ignoring me and telling me that I am wrong about... (fill in the blank) This is my trap...
I just felt you on the weight issue. I tried for years to motivate hubby to care about his health. He is diabetic and did not care. He was 2+ people and did notcare. Finally it was years of excruciating neuropathy that motivated any change. He still does the bare minimum. I will say though that I attribute his weight loss to none other than the prescription SQ injectable Byetta. It is a new diabeties med that slows the entire digestion process. Made him feel full for a long time.... he dropped 185lbs. Maybe she is diabetic hehehe. Seriously though, if she is not yet, it becomes a huge risk when you are overweight


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> TRENTON, I have read some of you other posts and indeed I can agree with you on some of your views, and I would like to point out one of your very favourite quotes.
> 
> "‘All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing" -Edmund Burke
> 
> ...


Yes, this is why I told you that I get that I can't understand your perception here and so I am at a loss and can only offer my own perception. I am trying not to judge you because I get that your stance has logic to it. I really do. Physical appearance is very important to you and so is sex. Right now your wife is sabotaging both of those things and it upsets you. This DOES make perfect sense. It's that if you were my husband it would hurt me greatly. It's also that if you REALLY want to solve the problem you will have to factor your wife's feelings and well being into the picture because she is the one taking actions to upset you.

Of course my husband and I have problems. He's a real butt when it comes to many things. I've no idea where we will end up or why. If I post for advice though, I fully accept that some will have tough questions, disagree with how I feel and possibly get some eye opening advice/thoughts that will really help me. So I suck it up and deal with the criticism and work with it all.

Find out what is causing your wife to eat. You can't fix anything if you don't know the cause.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> CREDAM, perhaps it would have read better if I had put "she is A female and SHE IS prone to strange reactions to logic." It was a tongue in cheek comment, poking fun at the difficulties that men and women have in understanding each other, highlighted by the :scratchhead:
> 
> I think you are probably right about the energy that I send out, but that is something that has built up over the last few years, it is a building resentment of the fact she seems to care less about what I want, but I am still expected to fulfill all of her wants, needs and whims (of which there are many!)


I understood the humor, I just think that tongue in cheek comments sometimes reveal a person's base assumptions, and I also think a person's base assumptions have a lot of influence over how things go in their relationships. 

"She seems to care less about what you want"...hmmm...is it relevant that what YOU want pertains directly to HER body, how she cares for it/doesn't care for it, etc.? 

Could it be that you are taking something personally that isn't about *you*?

it's not that your wife doesn't care about YOU, that prevents her from working out. It shows that she doesn't care for HERSELF in that way. If you start thinking about it in HER-centered terms, and NOT that you interpret her fitness as an expression of her love FOR YOU, you might send her the kind of encouraging, loving energy that will help HER care for herself to that extent. 

At the same time, that kind of love for self does come from inside, so you can only do so much. But I don't think that making it about you will inspire her to care for herself better.

Don't get me wrong. I agree with you in you about health and fitness. My own husband sounds like your wife--lately, he just doesn't care to get off his increasingly fat butt and exercise. I wish he WOULD. He knows I wish he would, he knows how much I value fitness. 

But I don't take it as an affront TO ME that he doesn't. It's not about his love for me, it's about his love for himself. Because I love him and want him to be healthy, THAT'S why I want him to get in shape. Not because it's a condition for MY attraction to him. 

I grudgingly accept that at this moment, fitness isn't a priority. He has let me know he's going to get back into it, so I just try to encourage him and hope that the warm weather re-inspires him.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

May I chip in and give a simple advise here, have u ever tried to talk to her mother or sister or girlfriend? And ask them to talk to her. Tell them that you worry about her health, don't say bcoz her weight turn u off. Tell them u've tried everything to talk to her, but no positive result, n u don't wanna hurt her or push the wrong button.
Usually 'girl talk' works wonder. Goodluck


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I'm painfully aware as of this morning of what it feels like to have your partner make a comment about weight
With the best of intentions (I have a family wedding to attend in not too many weeks) he said he thought I should try to shed 1kg a week or so which would (and this is the critical bit, WHAT and HOW it's said) 
Give me better choice of outfit
Make me feel better in myself
Make me look better
It was that last one that was the killer

I know how to lose weight and sensibly (really I do, not just saying that) but have been so low for the past 3 years that my weight's ballooned pretty nearly out of control and he knows my reasons for feeling low
We talked about why I was so upset by what he said, and he's apologised for upsetting me but the words - and underlying pain of what's been depressing me - remain VERY raw
It's all very well saying 'where is her head at' but if a partner doesn't 'get' the key to someone's depression, attitude, low points, feelings, etc, there's a kind of stalemate
You can know how to lose weight (or do anything, for that matter) and why you should do it, even double-rationalise the irony of this situation, but without your OWN motivation reaching the required level, you're not going to take action
Without someone else's input, despite that this shouldn't be the case, this motivation may not arrive


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Hi again, 

I have been home for my break and spent plenty of time with wife and my main little man, they took total priority and so no answers or updates while I was there.... but am now back at work and have some free time which I can give an update with.

SO, she has put on another few pounds and is telling me it is all my fault still, but wants me to help her. (A conversation that was initiated by her, not me.) We have both agreed to goals and changes in behaviour, and have set a time-frame... there is an upcoming event that she wants to go to and would like to get to a particular weight for, if she succeeds, she gets a new outfit for the event, budget is set for that. (All were her ideas, which I am fine with.) 

So we walk, we Yoga, we discuss good and bad food, I hold up my end of the bargain, (more compliments and take over all kitchen duties to give her time for achieving the goals)..... Then a packet of tim tams slip into her bag and are gone in a day.... then a second serving of dinner, then a late night drinking with her friends followed by demands for take away bacon and egg sandwiches to make her FEEL better. All of a sudden, I am the bad guy again. Apparently my compliments didn't exist, apparently I didn't wash the dishes at the right time, apparently I don't support her. WTF is going on in her head????? She says she is freaked out by her weight and wants to be thinner, but doesn't seem to want to DO anything about it. You really cannot eat yourself slim can you? 

SYRUM, You have valid points in some of your posts, but I am afraid that this argument must strike a little closer to home for you and so you can't see it for what it is. I am right. Health is of ultimate importance in life, case closed.

MWIL, thank you for your support, I am trying the carrot approach for now, the stick just gets messy, but I will not be quitting it unless I quit the marriage. That just isn't an option.

TRENTON, appreciate your understanding. I am really trying to understand the why's and how's of all this. But how do you find out what triggers emotional eating when it just seems to be a lifestyle choice? I can eat MASSIVE meals when the food is really good, but I also balance that with a bit of exercise and watching the intake the following day or three. It is all about balance.

CREDAM, Some sound advice there, but HOW to tap into that and have her realise it before it is too late, as it is, the work required keeps increasing, I don't want her to suddenly realize when our boy is 6 that she cant keep up because she is 250 pounds!!! Losing 10 pounds is easier than losing 100 pounds! I sincerely hope your H gets off his ass soon. Begrudging something can lead to worse feelings later.... pretty sure I can attest to that!

PRINCESS, she has discussions with her mother and friends, but she rebels against her mother, and I am apparently quite like her mum :rofl: her friends are generally enablers, as she doesn't like to be challenged, but recently, the main friends have gone on a health kick and are working on their weights, she has talked about exercising with them!!! fingers crossed!

MADIMOFF, I am sorry that you were hurt by what was said, but the truth is that you obviously need something to jolt you back to reality, I know this is harsh, but you have been in denial of a simple truth. Part of your depression stems from your weight. Healthier, fitter people are LESS effected by depression than overweight people. Do you think your H enjoys seeing you depressed? He obviously doesn't because he tried to soothe your hurts, obviously he has noticed your weight and it is playing on his mind, otherwise there would have been no comment about it, so if it is playing on his mind, do you think he enjoys seeing you overweight and gaining? Do you not think that your everyday actions and inactions that lead to your weight don't hurt him to some degree? 

The question "where is her head at?" is exactly that, I am not depressed and so therefore don't "get" it. From what I see, people with depression do the same things and expect to feel better about themselves, but they don't so they get more depressed. If nothing changes, then hell, nothing changes.

I sincerely hope that your husbands comment has motivated you and not added to your depression.

Thanks all for the feedback!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> SYRUM, You have valid points in some of your posts, but I am afraid that this argument must strike a little closer to home for you and so you can't see it for what it is. I am right. Health is of ultimate importance in life, case closed.


Don't be condescending and insulting to me, just because I don't molly coddle you and pretend that what you are doing is the right thing.

I can see this exactly for what it is, you are shallow. If my points are valid then they are valid. perhaps you could reread them.

Lastly, I have no such issues in my life, because my fiance has never said anything but kind thoughtful things about my appearance, he appears to love me regardless of any issues I may have. I wouldn't be with someone so callous, I like to build those I love up, not tear them down and I love them regardless.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

SYRUM, You think that I was being condescending towards you? read back YOUR first reply, dear, you spat enough venom at me simply because I have issues with behaviours of my wife that lead to negative impacts on our life together. Your fiance "appears" to love you regardless of your issues does he? Lovely to see that you are all open and honest with each other and know exactly how you stand on all your issues. Try getting married and see how the dynamics change. I didn't ask you to molly coddle me, I asked for helpful advise for a problem and you got on your high horse about me being shallow. 

The subject of a woman's weight is some sacrosanct subject according to people like you, men should just shut the hell up and enjoy it. Well sorry if I offend your delicate little sensitivities with my attitude, but if you've ever watched someone you love go from size 8 and balloon to in excess of 140kg, be a walking timebomb who cannot muster enough energy to interact with her teenage son beyond eating or watching a movie, then pull your head in when someone else has, and has strong feelings about the health and well-being of their family. It was a boundary that she was fully aware of BEFORE we even started dating, so don't tell me I am callous because I will not budge, I have given leeway owing to the birth of our child, but it is the continued neglect of herself which is the killer, it is exactly where the other person in my life started, so back up, pull your head out of your ass and realise there are more factors than what YOU think.

And yes THAT was condescension. Oh, and I didn't insult you in the last post, but seems you are more than willing to throw out insults so here you are.


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