# scared of making a mistake



## rochellew (Dec 6, 2015)

I have discovered I am not married to a very nice person. I have spent many years with my head buried in the sand, making excuses for his behaviour, for my behaviour and think I have driven myself insane. Currently he is not speaking to me because his umbrella is missing..this has been going on for two weeks now. Pretty sure one of my daughters took it to work and forgot it. We do have 2 other umbrellas in the house so not really the end of the world. Yes i do realize how ridiculous this sounds. 
We have three daughters who are living at home between the ages of 19 and 25. They all work and contribute money to the household. He is not speaking to any of them, in fact, in the world ending umbrella saga, he unfriended them all on fb, apparently to make a point, not sure what the point is? The girls have very little to do with him and have lost any love or respect for him over the last 5 years. He is emotionally abusive, joins websites for singles, exchanges nude photos and has a huge porn problem. All these problems have being going on for years. I find out, huge fight, tears, and promises he won't do it again, until the next time. I shake my head at myself for being so spineless. About 2 years ago i got a far higher paying job than him and with far more hours and he is not happy about this. Don't get me wrong he loves the money i make, just not the fact i make far more money than he does. So he has chosen to work only 4 days a week at a lousy paying job. He feels the world and I owe him and he will be as miserable as possible. I don't really have much feeling left towards him, but I am so scared of making a mistake, being alone, not having enough money to do this on my own..etc. I live on the west coast and it is unbelievably expensive to live. My daughters are begging me to kick him to the curb. They hate seeing what he does to me. Anyhow that is sort of a brief introduction to me.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Don't you think you and your family deserve better?
Try counseling, if that doesn't work join the ranks of divorce people.
Be Strong and Take Care of Youself


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Could you flesh out your, his's and your family's bio ?


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## mjgh06 (Feb 27, 2016)

Take it from experience, there is more to life that where you are at. Your children are grown so no need to stay in this type of relationship. At the very least do a legal separation that way if you decide to work it out through counseling etc, it will be easier to work on the relationship if you aren't under foot so to speak.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I keep repeating that a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. Most people will cry and beg for forgiveness because it is much easier than having you divorce them. You reach a point where the problem switches from your spouse to you, for letting the bad behavior continue.

I have come across far too many men who live off of their wives. I never figured out how they get away with it. I am not talking about house husbands. That I understand. I know four guys who do not work and three of them are married to nurses who either pull double shifts or work two or three jobs. Why do women put up with that when they are earning enough to support their family without their husband? Why are you still putting up with it? It sounds like a woman who is being beaten by her husband but never leaves him and makes excuses for his behavior like he promised that he would never hit me again. In your case the beating is emotional. Don't you think it is time to kick him out and live the rest of your life much better than you are living it now? Best of luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rochellew said:


> I have discovered I am not married to a very nice person. I have spent many years with my head buried in the sand, making excuses for his behaviour, for my behaviour and think I have driven myself insane. Currently he is not speaking to me because his umbrella is missing..this has been going on for two weeks now. Pretty sure one of my daughters took it to work and forgot it. We do have 2 other umbrellas in the house so not really the end of the world. Yes i do realize how ridiculous this sounds.
> We have three daughters who are living at home between the ages of 19 and 25. They all work and contribute money to the household. He is not speaking to any of them, in fact, in the world ending umbrella saga, he unfriended them all on fb, apparently to make a point, not sure what the point is? The girls have very little to do with him and have lost any love or respect for him over the last 5 years. He is emotionally abusive, joins websites for singles, exchanges nude photos and has a huge porn problem. All these problems have being going on for years. I find out, huge fight, tears, and promises he won't do it again, until the next time. I shake my head at myself for being so spineless. About 2 years ago i got a far higher paying job than him and with far more hours and he is not happy about this. Don't get me wrong he loves the money i make, just not the fact i make far more money than he does. So he has chosen to work only 4 days a week at a lousy paying job. He feels the world and I owe him and he will be as miserable as possible. I don't really have much feeling left towards him, but I am so scared of making a mistake, being alone, not having enough money to do this on my own..etc. I live on the west coast and it is unbelievably expensive to live. My daughters are begging me to kick him to the curb. They hate seeing what he does to me. Anyhow that is sort of a brief introduction to me.


He is the spineless one bullying you all like that. Kick him out, I am sure you together with your daughters can have a much better life without him. Start making a plan now and include them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He puts you and your daughters down because he has a low self esteem. He doesn't like you making more than him but he is happy to spend it. Why are some men like this? I never hear of a wife not happy for her husband when he get a promotion or raise but I do hear of husbands not happy when their wives get promotions and/or raises. It's no surprise the divorce rate is higher among couples where the wife makes more than the husband. I would get out.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Pack a bag, tack a letter to the fridge and leave. Go dark for a few days. When you finally answer his frantic attempts at communication, you tell him "I can't do it any more. Sorry, it's over. You said you'd change before but never did. I have to leave now".

That will get his attention. After 4 months of seeing some SERIOUS attempts to get help, you MAY take him back. You've seen what happens when he says he'll change. Didn't work, did it? You need to scare the **** out of him. It will take work. You need to make sure YOU want it first.

If fixed me, but she was already gone. You probably are too. They almost always are by the time they hit this forum.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

What is critical here is that your daughters are watching you and will model your behavior, If you are willing to accept being bullied they will grow up thinking that is the norm in man woman relationships. They will thus not be able to recognize the warning signs of a potentially abusive boyfriend and future husband. On the other hand if you refuse to accept being treated like this they learn that adults will not tolerate being bullied regardless of the situation or legal relationship. .
Therefore it all comes down to what kind of man do you want your daughters to think is acceptable? 
No one can answer that question but you.
But that is the question and make no mistake your inaction is an answer.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I was going to ask if this post was a joke, because of how ridiculous he sounds, but for the sake of helping you I am going to give you my two cents. I think he is a melodramatic child who is NOT entitled to the world. He doesn't consider your feelings or even those of your daughters and they had the right idea to deal with him less and less over the years. If your daughters are living with you and are contributing to the house, ask them to stay long enough for you to figure it out on your own while you kick him to the curb. Once you feel confident that you can make it on your own, then if your daughters wanted to fly the nest they could. If they don't want to stay, then evaluate your finances versus expenses. If you need to cut some expenses out, can you do so? Focus on needs before wants. You may have to live differently than you are used to, but that asshat will be gone. Take care of you and your daughters.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ignoring the Umbrella War, wtf are you doing with a guy who joins singles websites anyway? Is this the father of your children?

I realize Vancouver is hideously expensive, but the four of you could make it on your own very well. 

Pull your head out of the sand and get rid of this useless bag of carbon.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ok, I give..... Yes, you should divorce him. Too much him and not enough you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rochellew (Dec 6, 2015)

Thank you all for your answers, advice, and input. I truly appreciate it. I have spent many hours lurking and reading the posts here and learning. I have to be honest...embarrassment on my part is a huge part of not getting to detailed in my first post. Looking back at my life and the mistakes i have made letting this crap go on is weighing heavily on me lately. My biggest problem is that wanting to be sure moment in life..probably not going to happen. I spend so much time second guessing myself that I lose track of what ever set me off in the first place. I have spent years watching him cheat, manipulate and threaten and for some absurd reason keep hoping it will get better. Bit of a head shake on my part.


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## rochellew (Dec 6, 2015)

yes Hope he is the father of my children and yes he is a useless bag of carbon.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rochellew, so what plans have you put in place? You know what you have to do.


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## rochellew (Dec 6, 2015)

well I keep getting so overwhelmed trying to come up with a plan to move on i kind of quit thinking about it. I have been house hunting just tend to get a bit disheartened by the ridiculously high rents in this city right now. I would like to see him move out, just not sure that will happen without huge amounts of drama. I work fulltime so the work situation is not an issue at least.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The man is disgusting. Make a plan with your daughters and get out. It will not be a mistake, staying is the mistake.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Break it down into small parts. Just concentrate on one at a time. Enlist your daughters to help.

You can do it. You just need to decide to do it. Please keep us updated. And hugs to you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes, let your daughters help you and get out.


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