# Need advice...I have a confused wife.



## Jackkaufman (Nov 2, 2013)

Was recommended that I move my post to this forum, but I did not know how so I just created a new one...

My wife and I have been married for 16 years. A couple of years ago things started to slow down. We talked about it, but things stayed the same. We had sex maybe once a month or so. We still love each other, but things have gotten comfortable. 

Recently, she told me that she had bicurious feelings, but wasn't sure. She was confused. Kinda let it go. About a month ago, we had a threesome. Little did I know that the woman we had the threesome with was a woman that my wife had some feelings for. This really confused her because she has never been attracted to a female. She thinks it is because they have so much in common and she is attracted to the person, not the sex of the person.

A couple days after the threesome, she had an affair with the woman and enjoyed it. She felt no remorse about it and hates that she does not feel remorse. She is currently seeking counseling and we are trying to save our marriage. We are very open with each other, which could hopefully save our marriage.

Since the affair, she has gone out with the woman, as a friend, and has kissed her goodnight. They have not had sex again, but she thinks about it. She does not want to cheat, but can't stop herself.

However, our sex life has been much better since the threesome. We both want to work things out and we both still love each other. At least we think we do. We have never really known anybody else, so that could be part of it.

What do I do? I love my wife and I want to be with her. I do not want to give her an ultimatum like pick me or her, that is not me. Should it be?

It is hard because we are not just husband and wife but best friends. I do not want to lose the friendship that we have no matter what, but if she does go out with her and something happens, I will begin to distrust her. The our friendship will collapse.

Help me. I do not know what to do.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

If your marriage is going to have a chance, the other woman can not be friends with your wife. They should have no contact while you two are trying to work it out. And yes you have to give her an ultimatum. 

She might resent you for taking away her "friend"/affair partner but if you don't stand up for yourself you will end up losing her.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Jackkaufman said:


> Since the affair, she has gone out with the woman, as a friend, and has kissed her goodnight. They have not had sex again, but she thinks about it. She does not want to cheat, but can't stop herself.
> 
> Do you always make excuses for other people's bad behavior? This is a choice your wife is making and *you are allowing. You are allowing your wife to date her lover... wht the F is wrong with you? Does your wife have your [email protected] in a little sack in the freezer?*
> 
> ...


Stand up for yourself and your marriage. Stop this now. Be willing to let her go. You can't control what she does but you can control what YOU will accept.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You played with fire, now you have to live with the aftermath.

Opening up to this kind of lifestyle needs a lot of understanding and trust between partners. A relationship can survive introduction of multiple partners only if the understanding between the two main partners is rock solid. You admitted that your relationship was already on the shaky ground. So your diversions came from a position of weakness, not from a position of strength.

Now, coming to present, you are playing it all wrong. When you opened up to the idea of threesome, the idea was that you two were going to share the new partner. When she decided to go alone with the new partner, she broke the contract.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to be willing to lose it. Your idea of saving the marriage by being a nice guy is weak and not going to work. You will have to tell her that she is welcome to leave the marriage if she wants to, but she cannot keep doing what she is doing- being with you and keeping options open with another person.

I wish the best for you. In future, before you embark upon a new venture, know and act upon your limitations.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

I agree with the above post completely!!! And from experience, opening a marriage up to others so that one partner can explore feelings they did not explore before marriage---well, it usually doesn't turn out as positively as we foolishly think it will:-(.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Threesome post never turn out good. Threesomes are just controlled, sanctioned infidelity. You reap what you sow and when you sow the wind, you reap a whirlwind. 

(For some reason most of these threads disappear, so that is all)


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I do not kiss my female friends good night, and in this thread's context, gender doesn't matter.

If she hates that she doesn't feel remorse regarding "the friend", yet is going to counseling and still goes out with her and kisses her good night, I would say that the counseling is a waste of time and money, both individual and marriage ones.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Would your attitude be the same if the other person your wife was hanging out with and had the affair with was a man? I doubt it.
There is no difference. A marriage is between 2 people and not 3 and you are allowing a third person to be in your marriage. How can you not see this? Your wife is disrespecting you the same way as if she was with another man. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Would your attitude be the same if the other person your wife was hanging out with and had the affair with was a man? I doubt it.
There is no difference. A marriage is between 2 people and not 3 and you are allowing a third person to be in your marriage. How can you not see this? Your wife is disrespecting you the same way as if she was with another man. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Is this a troll? Whats up with the name??????


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey Jack, here are my thoughts.
You need boundries, and you currently enable your wife to have contact with someone that threatens the relationship.

If Im not mistaken you both took vows and sighned a contract, and it appears that don't mean sh1t to your old lady.

Sorry bro but the confusion falls on you for tolorating this affair to continue. Granted you can't control your wife, but you can control what you will and will not tolorate, and your old lady doesn't have a clue what your boundries are and continues to cross these smeared boundries cuz they aren't as clear as they should be.

So lets start with giving your wife clear boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed.

Again you can;t control your wife but you can be clear on what you will and will not tolorate. That will at least give her a starting point.

Cuz dude, you can give your old lady all the time in the world and that sh1t will just bring on more emotional torture for your self.....so set some guild lines and except the consequences for when they don;t go your way...face it your chick has to face the same consequences in losing you.

I'm just saying it time to take back you balls and let your wife go, you can't control that crap, but you can control the emotioanl torture she dishes out by distancing your @ss from her bull crap.

When it came to my old lady it was all about catching up to me....she phucked me over and betrayed me...it wasn;t my job to fix what she screwed up. it was her job to save what she could and keep up with me after her betrayal.

There was no way to be confussed on my new boundries...no doubt in her or my mind that it was time to let her go and it was up to her to hang on if she really want this to "work out"!

Your old lady phucked you over and your worried about keeping her...when in fact your old lady should be worried about losing you!

get it? do you know what it is to " fake it until you make it"?

As painful as this crap is, don't show your old lady any of it. Chicks dig confident guys. Please never beg for this marriage.

Don't walk in front of her, don't walk behind her, but walk next to her! She has just as much to lose as you do.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Jackkaufman said:


> Recently, she told me that she had bicurious feelings, but wasn't sure. She was confused. Kinda let it go. About a month ago, we had a threesome. Little did I know that the woman we had the threesome with was a woman that my wife had some feelings for.


Very sneaky. She lied to you by non-disclosure. Would she have liked if you brought along a woman that she found out afterwards you had the hots for? 



> A couple days after the threesome, she had an affair with the woman and enjoyed it. She felt no remorse about it and hates that she does not feel remorse. She is currently seeking counseling and we are trying to save our marriage. We are very open with each other, which could hopefully save our marriage.


 She brings along a woman to your threesome that she secretly fancies. After the threesome she meets her and they have sex which she tells you about after the fact presumably. What makes you think she is open with you? This was probably going on before the threesome. 


> Since the affair, she has gone out with the woman, as a friend, and has kissed her goodnight. They have not had sex again, but she thinks about it. She does not want to cheat, but can't stop herself.


You are allowing them to meet??? 
And you believe they didn't have sex again? Your wife is a liar after all. And you are now having a threesome marriage! 


> However, our sex life has been much better since the threesome. We both want to work things out and we both still love each other. *At least we think we do. *We have never really known anybody else, so that could be part of it.


This is a way to keep your sex life good? I would be turned off that it took another person to turn on my partner. 
You _think_ you love each other? Your wife's behaviour certainly doesn't show that. She doesn't seem in the least troubled about the effect on you. She's focused on her own confusion and of course outings with the OW. Man, you need to find your self-respect. . .
As a poster said it's no different than if her 'playmate' was a man. Would you let her do this with a man?


> What do I do? I love my wife and I want to be with her. I do not want to give her an ultimatum like pick me or her, that is not me. Should it be?


If you don't want to do that then you must stay in your threesome marriage. I can't see your wife giving up her playmate. Wave divorce papers at her and say either start behaving like a wife, drop your playmate or leave.
That way you will get her respect and have your answer. Tough but it will bring this nonsensical situation to an end. 


> Help me. I do not know what to do.


Sure you do. 

With a story like that you may be a troll. I kinda hope so.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

She's not confused at all, she's clearly cheating on you, and you allow her to under the bi-curious excuse. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Facepalm. Dude steel yourself its likely gonna get very ugly. 3somes a fantasy... try a nightmare. Getting the OW out will be near impossible.

Ask your wife if she is OK if you have a woman on the side also. No I am not joking. Its an open marriage; for her, not you. If it is gonna be open, OPEN IT.

Sorry you are here.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Oh btw.

They did have sex more than the 3some and the other time.
Shes been fooling around with this woman for hella longer than she admits to.

Challenge her to a poly. get the parking lot confession.

No yours is not the first thread like this.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

does the threesome mean you had sex with your wife's affair partner?
Pretty rare.
Yeah, you need to tell her to move out. She is cake eating and you are a cuckold. She is only confused because you are such a pushover. If you man up the confusion will go away.
You sharing her actually has the opposite effect, in now she feels less special to you and this makes it easier for her to disrespect you.
Showing her you are not going to put up with her behavior is your only chance. You need to take away any and all security you provide her, immediately. She needs to see and feel what she is to lose.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Jackkaufman said:


> .
> 
> Since the affair, she has gone out with the woman, as a friend, and has kissed her goodnight. They have not had sex again, but she thinks about it. She does not want to cheat, but can't stop herself.
> QUOTE]
> ...


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Whenever I read about threesomes I'm suspicious that it's a troll posting. And in this case we have an OP with a name that's very troll-like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

I support people living their lives as they see fit but you opened the door to this with a 3 way. That may seem cool to some and a lot of younger guys I hear talking but it is relationship suicide. Your wife is lacking something (and not necessarily something from you). I dont think you can fix her but you shouldn't contribute to her confusion by participating. 

If a person's spouse wants someone else in the bedroom it isnt a sign of how strong and trusting your relationship is. It is highlighting the lack of value they place in intimacy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

Cubby said:


> Whenever I read about threesomes I'm suspicious that it's a troll posting. And in this case we have an OP with a name that's very troll-like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually you are probably right. Now I feel like a putz for replying lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I'll bite. If this is true then your wife played you big time. She had feelings for this OW prior to the threesome and you find out about it afterward. Yea, she played you big time and I suspect this has been going on for a while prior to the threesome.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

Never have that kind of relationship with someone that's already in your life or going to be around any amount of time. when the event is over it should only you and your wife when the dust settles


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

AlphaHalf said:


> Is this a troll? Whats up with the name??????


 For those that did not catch what the name Jackkaufman is about, let me break it down for you. Say "Jack" then "kauf" a few times really fast.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

TRy said:


> For those that did not catch what the name Jackkaufman is about, let me break it down for you. Say "Jack" then "kauf" a few times really fast.


Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lol once in the phone book ca 1986. Someone got past the phone company and put in: Mehoff, Jack.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

mablenc said:


> She's not confused at all, she's clearly cheating on you, and you allow her to under the bi-curious excuse.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Agree 100%.

She is clearly cheating. You are accepting because it is not a man that she is cheating with. Do not enable and condone her violation of your marriage vows. Forsake all others includes both sexes.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> About a month ago, we had a threesome.


There may be a more effective way of totally f**king over a marriage than having a threesome. But it hasn't been discovered yet.

OK. No more 'controlled' cheating. Which is what a multiple partner sexual encounter really is and get into counselling (IC/MC) ASAP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> For those that did not catch what the name Jackkaufman is about, let me break it down for you. Say "Jack" then "kauf" a few times really fast.


But please don't tell this to the many people who are genuinely called Jack Kaufman. They might be a tad upset!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

No good ever comes from threesomes in a marriage. As my army 1st Sgt used to say: "get that sh!t out of your system before you get married. All it does is f!ck up marriages".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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