# Part 1



## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

*Part 1 and Part 2*

I'm not sure where to start...I'm not sure I want to save my marriage or run. I'm so tired of the drama. But I sit and wait for the next shoe to drop. 

So maybe I should start in 2004. H had colon cancer of the large intestine. I was in shock when the doctor told me but was positive knowing that it was a type 2B...anyway..

The doctor took it out but when he did, he hit the small bowel. This was really a shock, I was so like a zombie. I didn’t know what to do, I had become speechless. I felt like I was living a dream that wasn’t real and someone would come and wake me. I did have enough courage to call family to come and be by my side. After family arrived my family made sure that my H was transported to another hospital for his life was on the line.

Well, he made it but he was going to have to have a small bowel transplant…which he received in 2005.
He had to go a year before he could receive a donor, due to having cancer… This was like torture for all of us. I thought I can’t watch another day of my H suffering but some how I drove him every week to the hospital which was an hour away, this was really scary too…but he didn’t want to go back to the hospital that he felt made a huge mistake with his life.

In the mean time, I was taking care of “everything” you name it… I did it…. and got it done. My H has medical records that stand about 7’ tall maybe longer. He’s last day to stay in the hospital was January 2007 with his gall bladder and temp. of 104. He had gone back to work Dec. of 2006. I had this point become the protector of my husband. Maybe a mother figure? I don’t know….anyway. His job consist of him traveling overseas and I didn’t feel my husband would do good doing this… for he never sleeps well. He is up all hours of the night. And I just didn’t think he would get to a bathroom in time when he needed one…anyway…the transplant had effected all areas of our life but I still loved him and I wanted to be with him…When his doctors let him go out they said , ONLY 3 weeks…then it went to 6 weeks.. I just could NOT imagine a transplant patient out any longer then 6 weeks…AND it seemed every time he went out that he didn’t even care to call or write to say, HEY, I’m ok…I wasn’t happy about this and expressed it in front of family in front of him…I thought it to be very disrespectful and selfish. I almost felt like he took a vacation and I didn’t know anything about it… 

So in 2008, he had a trip in Oct. and he said, I maybe back the beginning of 2009..I did NOT like that he was missing Christmas and then I said, how can your doctors let you out that long? I didn’t get a reply back…anyway…there was nothing I could do to stop this long trip and when he left everything was fine… until he didn’t write or IM or call… So I wrote a letter that this marriage could NOT work like this because I was worried sick thinking he was in some hospital dieing again…I was truly frustrated and mad…and hurt…He explained that he couldn’t help how I felt and if the marriage was over so be it… He had missed the holidays, he had missed our daughter’s birthday and mine. So when he arrived home ((FEB.09)) He started sleeping on the couch and drinking heavy….ok And everything after that just went down hill…. I couldn’t believe what was happening… 

There’s more to this story but I have to end here…I will write part 2 later…


So part 2...
I failed to mention in the PART 1 when this was happening our oldest daughter wanted to comment suicide in NOV of 2009.…I have gone through HELL…and he was never there for that…WHAT??? Just me????…

February was a night mire. He wouldn’t talk AT ALL and everything he did….he wanted to make me mad or jealous …He was drinking LIKE a FISH. WE fought every weekend and then he told me that HE has decided to take a 2 year trip overseas …YES…JUST UP AND LEAVE…I just didn’t want to believe this at all…Surely a FATHER wouldn’t leave his KIDS if HE didn’t have too? HEY, PLUS THEY JUST BEEN THROUGH HELL THINKING THEY COULD LOSE THEIR DAD. NO, This was a choice…after sixteen years of marriage we had never had any demands to LIVE overseas..

Well first I said, I’m not going….have a good life…because I didn’t believe it…
Then he was telling his daughters that they could come and see him…AND then ask me if I would sign paper work to let them come overseas….NOT going to happen in my life time.

He calls and text’s this person or persons’ all the time where he was at and stayed for 4months

He would even stay up late to talk to this foreign girl, that he said had a boyfriend…BS. YES, I know IT was a girl because OUR kids and myself heard her talking through his computer speakers… YES it’s BS. So I ask him and begged him for us to get marriage counseling. He said, NO…

Did I mention that we have a lawsuit and he said NO to his doctors and lawyers on getting help too! 

AND TOO THINK HE HAS BEEN GIVING A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE!!!

So he said, LOOK this has changed me and it has changed you. I am done living my life the way you want me too or the way anyone once me too….WHAT???…this man has never been around all that much and I have been a stay home mom for years and never did I ask for much until YES…after the transplant…because there is a lot missing... that I told him I had trouble with…So again we need to go get counseling BUT…NO NO NO…he said….

So here comes March and it’s his birthday and so what did he do….HE went out and bought a brand new Harley 2009...well, he took me riding some on it…and he said thank you for letting me get it…I SAID, I don’t think I had that much control over it,… do you?….I mean, come on…I went in the Harley Shop…I wasn’t going to throw a fit because he had to have a NEW toy…He would have bought it with or without me…but come April, May, June he goes back to the place where he is expressing his feeling by texting on the phone and talking on the internet every other day…

JUNE my daughter wants to kill herself again…SO here I stand without the support of my husband…because he is overseas working or playing…I was very concern about our oldest daughter and tired to just take care of her…

July, August…I wasn’t aloud to ride the bike…OK…but OUR daughters could…

This didn’t change the FACT that he wasn’t leaving for 2 years WITHOUT HIS FAMILY…and this wasn’t going away in my mind so I told him…I really don’t think this relationship is going to make it…and you riding your Harley without me…is not working out either….

I didn't mind him going places on it with his friends…but I wanted to be include on his plans every now and then…I thought it would bring us together but it didn’t…

So I found myself doing things alone and having fun. GIVING HIM HIS SPACE!!!!

DID I mention I started school in May and was MAKING straight A‘S…

SO HE decided to leave the home the first of Sept 2009

I don’t think anything can fix this NOW…there’s to much hurt and pain here…

I just need support to move on…I’m done trying to fight someone that I feel is sick mentally and physically…and doesn’t know what A second chance MEANS to be with his kids and his wife to have fun with…NOT by himself.. He hasn’t talk to his children since Sept. NO contact in OCT…

I am NOW anger with his decisions!!!


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

I feel I have left everyone speechless here...

Where do you get support?....just curious: )


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

Start therapy on your own. Have the children evaluated and see if they can sometype of group therapy going. You cannot help someone refusing to go. Can his family step in? Anyone else? He needs something to wake him up, ever thought about the mental/emotional balance of the kids? You might need to take action and leave with them. Please talk to professionals soon, this is only going to get worse. Hang in there, life is precious and if for nothing do it for the sake of your children.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi Tryintoo,
My children have been in therapy since 2004. They are seeing a regular social worker plus they have a psychiatrist the see every three weeks. I am also...
My husband lost his father in 1993 never did I get to meet him.
In 2003 March on his birthday of all days... He lost his mother to breast cancer. And his brother and sister live out of state and I have never been all that close to either one...it's strange relationship...one I have always had problems with...

I know what you're thinking there's a black cloud following us....but in all the devastation... I have seen so much 

YOU can NOT make anyone STAY or ANYONE do anything. If you place yourself in a situation where one of your family members is sick... YOU CAN NOT do anything to help them get better. It's in GOD's hands..and if it's the end of that persons life, it's the end...OH yes you can make sure they're under great care and have the best doctors...but that's it...

Well, my husband left US...I really didn't think it was going to happen at first because I told him he would be the one to hurt his children NOT I...so I left the home for couple of weeks so he could move things out...didn't even take all his cloths and I asked him to move his things to a storage unit and he said he couldn't....he told one child but didn't tell the other...I guess he thought one would pass the word...and I told him>>> So be a man and look at the other child and tell her too... For if this is what he wanted to do, get real with himself and his children...they are 14, 16...girls.

I'M just ANGRY...that's where I'm at...and I'm mad because he doesn't see what he is doing to himself or his family...(((well it's all about him)))...so let him live that way...ALONE...


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Hi Tryintoo...I'm sorry, forgive me of my rudeness...Thanks for the comment and concern...I didn't mean to sound mean ...it's just I am angry...and I think sometimes the best thing to do is express the angry...without anyone taking it personal...and that's what I want to do....eeks...lol


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's good that you are getting help for you and your family. 

You have been doing everything for many years now....What has he added to the family? I understand his illness but now he's being selfish as he has a second chance in life and will live it like he wants! OK. I get it. 

When and/or if he ever gets ill again. Who will he run to? Who will care? Let him figure it out for now. He wasn't taking anyone in consideration and you shouldn't take him in consideration at this point.

Congrats on the school and the terrific grades! You are moving forward. Do positive things for you and your kids and leave the rest aside. You did your wifely duty by supporting your H through a crisis. 

You can't as you have already stated...make someone want to stay or love you etc. I know I've tried and it drives you nuts. 

I'm sorry for your circumstances.


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> It's good that you are getting help for you and your family.
> 
> You have been doing everything for many years now....What has he added to the family? I understand his illness but now he's being selfish as he has a second chance in life and will live it like he wants! OK. I get it.
> 
> ...


Hi ...Thanks! It's been a LONG road it seems never ending...

Funny before he left he said,...he wanted to be my friend...aww that's sweet....I said, NO no sweetheart, my job is NOT for you to have your cake and EAT it TOO...: ). He was so upset when I say this...like his world had just caved in...

I'm sorry but this makes me so MAD...but then I have been in counseling and I know that I am in a REALLY hard place...
You have to feel for WHAT HE WENT THROUGH but yet, STAND UP FOR MYSELF...

He as never accepted his self...HE thinks he is NORMAL...
I really do wonder how he makes it at work. HE never sleeps and sooner or later YOU'LL crash and burn...PLUS he is drinking...THIS MAKES ME SO MAD...I would like to stand his donor in front of him and SAY...now, tell him what YOU do to your body...or better yet...STAND him in front of the DONORS parents and say...tell them what you do to your body...

I almost think his med's has caused him to make bad decisions...because he does take steroids and the med's have bad side effects...

Then I Think....Is he dieing?..and he just doesn't want us to see it?...so he HAS set US free from pain...THIS is NOT his choice to make...IF SO...It's OUR choice...we are a UNIT...and it is closure for everyone...Don't Run...LET ME SAY GOODBYE...that's our right...

When this happened I woke UP...(((I just about lost my husband)))) and I wanted to live OUR last days (years) together..but doing this I wanted him to know how sorry I was for anything.... I'm mean "AnYthinG".... that I had ever said or done wrong of the years...I AM NOT PERFECT..I'm sorry...but saying this I had also said, YOU are NOT perfect either...so let's work on it.... ok..

There has NEVER been "physical affairs"...maybe emotional ones (on both parts)...but what the heck do I know...he has been over seas...at least 6 months out of a year...lol. And I have been taking care of his children...OH...and because OUR oldest wants to kill herself...THIS IS MY FAULT..I have been here...well excuse me!!!!!..but teenagers go through their own drama...

wow...I look at this...and it makes me sick....and I am feel very embarrassed to say the least...

You walk outside and your neighbors look at you funny... yuppers...I am FREE of DRAMA...I think...lol.

Thank you for commenting...:iagree:


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Today I spoke with him (texting) it's almost been TWO month...since he moved out....and I will NOT pay for last two mows he had done here....He said, I did pay that and the house and the car and the cell and the bike...and I said, I don't see you doing anything for the van, that your children ride around in everyday...but oh well, I guess when it comes right down to it...the damn bike is half mine...and he said, when I get off my trip lets do lunch and I'll get the van fix is that ok with u....and I said I am getting things together 4 you to c the girls. As for the van I will drop it off where ever and you can pay who ever but I do NOT want to see YOU to do lunch...

for crying out loud...

I'm sorry but I had tried to talk to this MAN like over and over and over and he NEVER had time for me BEFORE HE LEFT...so NOW that his moved ON he wants to have lunch...WHAT??????....NO THANK YOU...

The only way I'm every seeING this MAN again is if I'm meeting him for counseling. 


Look if he wanted to help me with the van,... he just would...
the van helps our children...

1. takes them to school /picks them up and gets them after school programs
2. buys their food
3. takes them to the doctors if their sick
4. buys the meds
5. helps to buy cloths if needed...like socks and underwear...

Please what in the hell do I need to talk over LUNCH for this....

What do you think?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I'm having trouble understanding your story. From what it sounds like he's moved out, which would seem to mean you are separated. You seem a bit all over the place. 

Of course you need the van to work, you don't need to negotiate this with us. I think you'd benefit from working from a plan. When I first separated I started making lists of loose ends/frustrations/things that need to be done, and then methodically worked at crossing them off.

For you, it might be:

1. Formal separation agreement in place
2. Spousal support / child support negotiated
3. School / Find a job (if you need to do that)
4. Custody schedule
5. Create own bank account.
6. ...

You get my point. What 3 things do you need in place to have some sanity and order?


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> I'm having trouble understanding your story. From what it sounds like he's moved out, which would seem to mean you are separated. You seem a bit all over the place.
> 
> Of course you need the van to work, you don't need to negotiate this with us. I think you'd benefit from working from a plan. When I first separated I started making lists of loose ends/frustrations/things that need to be done, and then methodically worked at crossing them off.
> 
> ...


Hello,

yes, I guess it does look like I am all over the place...
I AM MAD AS HELL....
I am 40 years old, Did you do your research?

1. every state is different
2. I'm working on it...
3. I'm working on it...
4. Custody schedule?...my kids don't want to see him, They don't have too, their of that age....
5. and did you know I'm in a Medical lawsuit..
6. and I am frozen in TIME....STUCK.....


hey,....do you have any legal advice you could give me?
....:rofl:

That would be my first sanity plea...:scratchhead:


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

My advice is get a lawyer. I was fortunate in that when she left the first time, she was so guilt ridden for the affair that she didn't push back too much on a separation agreement so it didn't require much back and forth.

Try to keep your emotions in check around him. Don't let him ruffle you. Get a lawyer in place, and push hard for some rules around the relationship. You won't be able to start healing until you get some level of calm in your life. 

Sorry you have to go through this...


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> My advice is get a lawyer. I was fortunate in that when she left the first time, she was so guilt ridden for the affair that she didn't push back too much on a separation agreement so it didn't require much back and forth.
> 
> Try to keep your emotions in check around him. Don't let him ruffle you. Get a lawyer in place, and push hard for some rules around the relationship. You won't be able to start healing until you get some level of calm in your life.
> 
> Sorry you have to go through this...


Hi,..
I have to laugh...sorry this is so funny! Excuse me, I do have ADHD and yes I am all over the place.

1. we don't speak, my h and I...I don't even think he is in the country right now...lol.
2. I am getting help with my emotions...I see one of those so called professionals...that you go and talk too....hehehehe
3. so are the kids too...plus I am setting up a time (for him to see his children) 
MY PLAN AT FIRST WAS... having a "meeting place" for NOW because of all the fighting is at our home...
HIS PLAN....hell no...I'll pick my kids up at our home...

so I have a mediator to help me...because HE DRINKS...and I don't trust him with my children...and my kids have a problem with him...
4. But the idiot from the village thinks his got it together and doesn't need therapy or AAA... he is a functioning alcoholic...I'm not sure how he is doing this because it will show up eventually in blood work for the doctors...in the liver...but the blood work comes back perfect....go figure...

He's not bothering me at all...he just wants to stop by and visit when I don't want a visit...I want my privacy now...
He has his place.... I have mine...and I don't need him dropping by just when he wants to check on the POOL...

I asked him to fix the van....and he said sure we will have lunch and I'll fix the van for you....

This is great...but I'm sorry I DON'T NEED TO EAT FOOD WITH HIM TO FIX THE VAN...lol...sorry me venting...lol.

all we have to do is: I'll drop it off where every he needs me to and he can pay who ever he wants too...lol....

But I don't want to talk over FOOD...I AM NOT HIS FRIEND...and this is what he wants from me...NO no no...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ilovemyfeelings said:


> seeking sanity said:
> 
> 
> > My advice is get a lawyer. I was fortunate in that when she left the first time, she was so guilt ridden for the affair that she didn't push back too much on a separation agreement so it didn't require much back and forth.
> ...


Seeking Sanity is giving you sound advice. I have no idea why you find that funny? :scratchhead:


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

swedish said:


> Seeking Sanity is giving you sound advice. I have no idea why you find that funny? :scratchhead:


Because honestly, YOU can't do anything if your hands are tied....
I'm NOT laughing at Seeking Sanity, I am laughing at myself....*and I can...
*
This isn't a clear shot GO get a lawyer and your d**** troubles are over...

This is NOT A 1 2 3 and you are done....

Sorry, but sometimes LAWYERS DON'T SOLVE THE problem...

Because you have other problems besides that....

I think sometimes LAUGHTER is good when you are going through hell...people don't act the way you do or the way you want them too...some of us act differently...and that's ok....

I was NOT being disrespectful...

Thanks for reading my story....I'm sure you understand what I am going through....


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I didn't take offense. Laughter is good when it all gets so preposterously difficult. I think we're all having a little trouble understanding what is going on for you. Your notes are a bit cryptic.

If you want help/support on this forum, we need specific scenarios or questions. For example, how specifically are your hands tied?


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

Ok...this is the problem ok...

I have never worked in this marriage....maybe part time here and there...

I got married when I was 23 and the A**hole that I so loved was 37

HE TRAVELS...works for the government... I supported his career for 16 years...

MY JOB for 16 years, is and was the stay home MOTHER and I have been raising my girls....duh....

Then he got sick 2004 ( I'm still raising my children) and I certainly cant get a JOB with him sick and me the d*mn bus driver (taking my kids to school)...and the ambulance (when he got sick from 2004-2006) .....can I?

oK...I started school to further my education to get a JOB (because he wanted me too)...but the idiot from the village...didn't like that I was making staight A's...so I guess he wants me to have a job in a pie factory...
So he said NOT paying for school....so NOW the d**n economy is bad ( no JOBs)....HOW CAN ANYONE AFFORD A LAWYER these days, to get a divorce?... I know, for me, I can get legal aid...

I'm not going to run and start these proceedings. I don't want a divorce. 


I live in MARYLAND...

Before you can divorce you must be separated for a year...

You can read the maryland laws...

The idiot from the village can start the divorce separation papers if he wants too...but guess what?...his children will need a home and I don't have a job to cover that bill...but yet he is giving all the custody to me....because why?....he is leaving for two years for China....

well I'm STILL raising the girls...and the Idiot from the village will have to pay the mortgage and what ever else he needs too.. 

for if the idiot from the village wants a divorce or a separation agreement let him start the paper work...... he can pay for my lawyer too...

Before he left our home, he took 15 grand from his 401K. I of course was thinking this is a way for him to get his DIVORCE...right?...but he blow it...I have the bank statements here...
I thought maybe also this was for our lawyers for the medical lawsuit...
but it wasn't.... again I thought that he was going to buy a new vehicle but that didn't happen....and last but not least to pay off his motorcycle....it didn't happen...

THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE...and he is not a well person and he is drinking on top of this...but working like a dog, I told him he didn't need to go back to work.. I certainly didn't think it was smart to be traveling either and to be a TRANSPLANT patient. 

He is killing himself...and he doesn't see it...

It's so much cheaper to fix and work on the marriage...really he needs counseling so bad but he will not do it...

My husband has so much anger built up inside of him that he wants to take it out on me...AND I put my hand up and say, ",YOU'VE never done this,.. and I can't allow it now...

I know there's alot going on here....but I am NOT going to get a lawyer...I'm going to let my husband do this the way he wants too...

So when it's all said and done, I can rest, and say that he chose this, not me...

This is how I have chosen to do this...


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## Ilovemyfeelings (Oct 20, 2009)

seeking sanity said:


> I didn't take offense. Laughter is good when it all gets so preposterously difficult. I think we're all having a little trouble understanding what is going on for you. Your notes are a bit cryptic.
> 
> If you want help/support on this forum, we need specific scenarios or questions. For example, how specifically are your hands tied?


I totally agree that my notes are cryptic...because I do have ADHD...and I am every where in my brain.
It will come out that way on paper too...sorry...
As for helping me, I'm not really asking for anyone to help me here, I am basically venting...
I think it's a great way to explode and express your feelings...
I think I would be asking questions and giving scenarios but NO one here can help this problem...I just need for someone to say, hey, it's going to be alright NO matter which way it goes...which I know this too...I just don't understand all this...and why it's happen...it's crazy..


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