# Questions to ask to go deep in your relationship



## Lila

I found this blog very interesting. The author provides ten questions to help couples build deeper emotional connections.

You can visit Questions for detailed descriptions of what exactly encompasses each question but here they are in summary.

_1. Is there anything I can do for you in this moment to help you feel more comfortable or loved?

2. How can I better support you in your life?

3. Is there anything I have done in the past week that may have unknowingly hurt you?

4. When you come home from work, what can I do or say that will make you feel the most loved?

5. Is there any kind of physical touch that I can engage in more that helps you to feel loved?

6. Do you think you will need more closeness or more alone time over the next couple of days?

7. Is there any argument that we had this past week that you feel incomplete about?

8. How do you feel about our sex life lately?

9. What are the main stressors currently in your life, and is there any way I can alleviate that stress for you, if only a small amount?

10. When do you find speaking difficult and how can I best support you through those moments?_

Would you feel comfortable asking these questions of your partner?


----------



## ChipperE

These are great! Since my husband and I are in marriage counseling he is very open emotionally at the moment (he's a typical "man's man"). I would always feel comfortable asking, but don't know if in the past I would've gotten as much response as I wanted. As it stands today I'd love to ask these, and may do it this weekend.


----------



## Lila

ChipperE said:


> These are great! Since my husband and I are in marriage counseling he is very open emotionally at the moment (he's a typical "man's man"). I would always feel comfortable asking, but don't know if in the past I would've gotten as much response as I wanted. As it stands today I'd love to ask these, and may do it this weekend.


I thought the same thing. I showed them to my husband last night and we decided we'd talk about them tonight. Should be fun 

The blogger also has another great article on generating 'relationship agreements' which I highly recommend you read if you are interested in finding ways to open up lines of communication with you hubs.


----------



## FeministInPink

This is a great list of questions. I don't know that I would feel comfortable asking them at this stage of my relationship; Real Estate and I have been seeing each other for a little over 9 months, and while it's pretty obvious that he loves me, he's a bit commitment-phobic and hasn't actually said it yet, and I'm holding my tongue until he's ready. So asking what I can do to make him feel more loved may feel either precocious or claustrophobic to him. And we don't live together of see each other on a daily basis, so some of the questions aren't applicable.

That being said, we have always had good communication, we are honest with one another, and he has always done a wonderful job at making sure that I feel safe emotionally, so I can feel safe asking questions or saying things that leave me particularly vulnerable. So, I believe that once we reach a later stage in our relationship, yes, I would feel comfortable asking him these questions and discussing them. So I may have to file them away for later.


----------



## ChipperE

Lila said:


> I thought the same thing. I showed them to my husband last night and we decided we'd talk about them tonight. Should be fun
> 
> The blogger also has another great article on generating 'relationship agreements' which I highly recommend you read if you are interested in finding ways to open up lines of communication with you hubs.


Thanks for the suggestion! With us both bring so open at the moment (we've always had a good relationship but I feel like we can discuss anything!!) it's just plain fun to talk about these things. 

I hope you and your hubby have a fun discussion!!


----------



## Married but Happy

Those are good questions. We don't ask these specifically, but they are sort of included in our general conversations (and nonverbal interactions) throughout the week. We're also pretty good at speaking up if something IS bothering us, so we rarely wait to be asked.


----------



## CharlieParker

I regularly ask variations of 4 or 5 of these. A couple of others are basically just out there always. 

#2 How can I better support you, is a bit troublesome, she says I don't support her enough but when I ask how and what concrete steps I can take the answer is "support me". Grr, because I think I'm doing ok, but apparently not. I'm not a freaking mind reader.


----------



## kag123

I would love to ask my H these questions, but I doubt he would answer them. He would likely make jokes and try to deflect.


----------



## Jayg14

These are good questions, provided you wish to get deeper into your relationship.

A lot of my answers are one word, and if you've read my threads, you'll know it.


----------



## arbitrator

*These questions are more than fair ~ and should definitely and justifiably be posed to either marital partner!*


----------



## Satya

I think Odo and I ask each other variations of these. Rather, I ask and he usually acts them out. It's harder for him to accurately verbalize his feelings, so he usually does things that show empathy and care, and I try to make a point to express my gratitude for what he does.


----------



## wild jade

For many of these questions, my husband and I often answer them before they are even asked. There are still some things that we're not very good at communicating about, but with others there's no need even for the conversation.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Yes.. "Open ended" questions inviting the other to share... this is very healthy for relationships...these can be asked in a variety of ways throughout our daily interactions, no matter where we are...it shows we want to meet the other half way... all with the intent to bring us closer, more of a shared intimacy... 

I've always been one of those who likes to know how another feels (where are you at?.. is this any good for you? ... or it is just me sorta thing)...I would even call myself a "digger" in this way.... he's never minded this, thankfully...I want the honesty.. even if I may not like what he has to say in response to my digging.... 

I did a thread on Open ended Questions a while back.. it wasn't focused so much on "feeling loved" or "what I can do for you".. but more on unearthing new territory or discovering compatibility, especially in the beginnings of a relationship... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html

My husband is more one of those who would put himself down to please someone else.. knowing this as I do.. It's almost imperative of me to SEEK HOW HE FEELS.. if not.. I could be missing a lot with him.. and actually I did miss some things in our past by not asking the right questions..


----------



## MarriedDude

Lila said:


> I found this blog very interesting. The author provides ten questions to help couples build deeper emotional connections.
> 
> You can visit Questions for detailed descriptions of what exactly encompasses each question but here they are in summary.
> 
> _1. Is there anything I can do for you in this moment to help you feel more comfortable or loved?
> 
> 2. How can I better support you in your life?
> 
> 3. Is there anything I have done in the past week that may have unknowingly hurt you?
> 
> 4. When you come home from work, what can I do or say that will make you feel the most loved?
> 
> 5. Is there any kind of physical touch that I can engage in more that helps you to feel loved?
> 
> 6. Do you think you will need more closeness or more alone time over the next couple of days?
> 
> 7. Is there any argument that we had this past week that you feel incomplete about?
> 
> 8. How do you feel about our sex life lately?
> 
> 9. What are the main stressors currently in your life, and is there any way I can alleviate that stress for you, if only a small amount?
> 
> 10. When do you find speaking difficult and how can I best support you through those moments?_
> 
> Would you feel comfortable asking these questions of your partner?


Now I know where last night's naked Q&A came from


----------



## Thundarr

Lila said:


> ....
> Would you feel comfortable asking these questions of your partner?


I think that's a good list of questions to think about. Yea I would feel comfortable asking any of these individually if we seemed disconnected. At the same time I think if someone was so disconnected that they had to ask all of the questions then maybe it would be an exercise of futility.


----------



## heartsbeating

Thanks Lila, these examples of open questions are helpful to consider.

With communication, I think my husband is more attuned to words/tone and I'm more attuned to body language. He is better at asking the open questions which is a wonderful skill to have and demonstrates wanting to understand and listen. This is something I'm learning from him. It helps get to the heart of the matter with greater understanding and without assumptions. 

Initially reading this, I would consider we provide one another the answers without, or before, the question. The question is important though to ensure we are relating in a similar way and determining what question is actually needed.

He asked me the other day how best he could help/support me and I told him I didn't know as I hadn't figured out what I needed for myself. This came about naturally through conversation. He was listening, understanding, suggesting a little... and turns out, that was the support I needed; having him ask and consider how he can be of support was support enough at the time.


----------



## FeministInPink

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes.. "Open ended" questions inviting the other to share... this is very healthy for relationships...these can be asked in a variety of ways throughout our daily interactions, no matter where we are...it shows we want to meet the other half way... all with the intent to bring us closer, more of a shared intimacy...
> 
> *I've always been one of those who likes to know how another feels (where are you at?.. is this any good for you? ... or it is just me sorta thing)*...I would even call myself a "digger" in this way.... he's never minded this, thankfully...I want the honesty.. even if I may not like what he has to say in response to my digging....
> 
> I did a thread on Open ended Questions a while back.. it wasn't focused so much on "feeling loved" or "what I can do for you".. but more on unearthing new territory or discovering compatibility, especially in the beginnings of a relationship...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html
> 
> My husband is more one of those who would put himself down to please someone else.. knowing this as I do.. It's almost imperative of me to SEEK HOW HE FEELS.. if not.. I could be missing a lot with him.. and actually I did miss some things in our past by not asking the right questions..


It's funny that you said this, it made me think... my beau has a tendency to ask me, "What are you thinking?" whenever I go a little quiet. Which I think is funny on its own, because I feel like it's one of those generic complaints men have about women, "She's always asking me what I'm thinking. Why can't she just let me be?" But when my beau does it, it strikes me as funny, because I never know how to answer... My brain goes a gazillion miles a minute, and I often have multiple trains of thought running at the same time, and my mind tends to wander a LOT. It's like the NYC subway system in my head. So when he asks, "What are you thinking?", I'm not trying to hide anything from him or censor my thoughts, but there is simply SO MUCH GOING ON IN THERE that I can't encapsulate it into words because THERE IS SO MUCH. It would be like if you took a bucket of super balls, shot them out of an air cannon into an empty gymnasium, and then tried to map the movement of each individual super ball. Or even isolate the movement/path of one super ball. It's impossible.

He does it because he wants to better understand me, and I appreciate that. But in my head, I'm also thinking, "Good luck, dude. No one's come even close to understanding me in 37 years, and people often make the mistake that they've got me all figured out. But you know you don't understand me, which means you've come a damn sight closer than anyone else, so I appreciate your effort. Good luck with that, and don't stop trying."


----------



## CuddleBug

Lila said:


> I found this blog very interesting. The author provides ten questions to help couples build deeper emotional connections.
> 
> You can visit Questions for detailed descriptions of what exactly encompasses each question but here they are in summary.
> 
> _1. Is there anything I can do for you in this moment to help you feel more comfortable or loved?
> 
> 2. How can I better support you in your life?
> 
> 3. Is there anything I have done in the past week that may have unknowingly hurt you?
> 
> 4. When you come home from work, what can I do or say that will make you feel the most loved?
> 
> 5. Is there any kind of physical touch that I can engage in more that helps you to feel loved?
> 
> 6. Do you think you will need more closeness or more alone time over the next couple of days?
> 
> 7. Is there any argument that we had this past week that you feel incomplete about?
> 
> 8. How do you feel about our sex life lately?
> 
> 9. What are the main stressors currently in your life, and is there any way I can alleviate that stress for you, if only a small amount?
> 
> 10. When do you find speaking difficult and how can I best support you through those moments?_
> 
> Would you feel comfortable asking these questions of your partner?



These questions to me, as a man, are too emotional, how do you feel, etc.....

I am simple. Physical main love language and sex....

I would say this is geared only towards women and not men. Like a female support group were everyone can just talk about their feelings.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

FeministInPink said:


> It's funny that you said this, it made me think... my beau has a tendency to ask me, "What are you thinking?" whenever I go a little quiet. Which I think is funny on its own, because I feel like it's one of those generic complaints men have about women, "She's always asking me what I'm thinking. Why can't she just let me be?" But when my beau does it, it strikes me as funny, because I never know how to answer... My brain goes a gazillion miles a minute, and I often have multiple trains of thought running at the same time, and my mind tends to wander a LOT. It's like the NYC subway system in my head. So when he asks, "What are you thinking?", I'm not trying to hide anything from him or censor my thoughts, but there is simply SO MUCH GOING ON IN THERE that I can't encapsulate it into words because THERE IS SO MUCH. It would be like if you took a bucket of super balls, shot them out of an air cannon into an empty gymnasium, and then tried to map the movement of each individual super ball. Or even isolate the movement/path of one super ball. It's impossible.


 Love that example ! 

Like you (probably most of us females)... I am always thinking, something's going on in there.. I even enjoy if someone asks me what I am thinking.. My husband will do this.... especially if I get too quiet - even if he well knows my answer may not be all that wonderful to hear.. but it shows me he cares and wants to enter into my world and share it.. I have thanked him for asking me ! It means a great deal to me... When I am upset.. this helps calm me ...airing it out.. feeling heard.... If I am bubbly & happy.. he wouldn't be asking...as I'd probably be sharing..... 

I ran across this video a while back.. it's so FUNNY ... but I think so true -for most of us anyway.....







... at 6:20...the speaker is talking about how a man can think of absolutely NOTHING and he's still breathing.. ..he refers to him going to his "Empty Box"... the man has a variety of boxes.. but he loves his *"Empty box"* and it drives us women crazy [email protected]# ... at 9:00 he speaks how women ask "What cha thinking about?"...and he just wants us to go away, leave him alone already !!! 








> He does it because he wants to better understand me, and I appreciate that. But in my head, I'm also thinking, "Good luck, dude. No one's come even close to understanding me in 37 years, and people often make the mistake that they've got me all figured out. But you know you don't understand me, which means you've come a damn sight closer than anyone else, so I appreciate your effort. Good luck with that, and don't stop trying."


 You gotta appreciate the trying !! 

I think sometimes my husband "gets me" even more than I may understand myself ... there have been times I was out of sorts yet he's telling me exactly how I am .. his trust in that...lifting me out of it.. like he just KNEW what I needed....these past 8 yrs have brought more vulnerability opened up -on his end.. it's been very refreshing.. due to my seeking more of the deeper things....



CuddleBug said:


> These questions to me, as a man, are too emotional, how do you feel, etc.....
> 
> I am simple. Physical main love language and sex....


I would think this would be a typical reaction from a man... See @CuddleBug just wants to go to his "empty box"... till it's time to roll around under the covers!  ... ha ha


----------



## FeministInPink

@SimplyAmorous Thank you! I love a good simile.

I've seen that video. It cracks me up.

I hope that my guy and I can reach the level of intimacy that you and your H have... only time will tell, but I think we're on the right path. 

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## hifromme67

These are really great. Maybe do one question per night. Each take a turn asking the same question. This would be great once both are in bed relaxed. I'm going to save tnis.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## CuddleBug

SimplyAmorous said:


> Love that example !
> 
> Like you (probably most of us females)... I am always thinking, something's going on in there.. I even enjoy if someone asks me what I am thinking.. My husband will do this.... especially if I get too quiet - even if he well knows my answer may not be all that wonderful to hear.. but it shows me he cares and wants to enter into my world and share it.. I have thanked him for asking me ! It means a great deal to me... When I am upset.. this helps calm me ...airing it out.. feeling heard.... If I am bubbly & happy.. he wouldn't be asking...as I'd probably be sharing.....
> 
> I ran across this video a while back.. it's so FUNNY ... but I think so true -for most of us anyway.....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ... at 6:20...the speaker is talking about how a man can think of absolutely NOTHING and he's still breathing.. ..he refers to him going to his "Empty Box"... the man has a variety of boxes.. but he loves his *"Empty box"* and it drives us women crazy [email protected]# ... at 9:00 he speaks how women ask "What cha thinking about?"...and he just wants us to go away, leave him alone already !!!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XjUFYxSxDk&t=351s
> 
> You gotta appreciate the trying !!
> 
> I think sometimes my husband "gets me" even more than I may understand myself ... there have been times I was out of sorts yet he's telling me exactly how I am .. his trust in that...lifting me out of it.. like he just KNEW what I needed....these past 8 yrs have brought more vulnerability opened up -on his end.. it's been very refreshing.. due to my seeking more of the deeper things....
> 
> 
> 
> I would think this would be a typical reaction from a man... See @CuddleBug just wants to go to his "empty box"... till it's time to roll around under the covers!  ... ha ha




Under the covers? Nope. Try 1x month for 17 years of marriage.....talking more didn't change anything......taking the initiative and leading didn't change anything......listening more to Mrs.CuddleBug's day and dealing with her extreme emotions didn't change anything. I've learned a lot here at TAM. Everything I've applied is amazing but in the end, hasn't got Mrs.CuddleBug to lose weight and get a sex drive.

I am a very passionate guy and can be quite emotional at times. But, overall, I am in control of my emotions and there comes a point when talk is just that, talk. Actions speak louder than words.

You want to get through to a man, its simple. Most men are physical and love sex. Sex bonds us to our ladies more than talking does. Women are designed to be more emotional were as men are not. Trying to get a man to be more emotional like a woman isn't going to happen, just like trying to get a woman not to be as emotional and more stoic.


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

I have to post my questions for "The And" now. This is just too good an opportunity to pass up.

The game is called "The And" because the word and is what goes in the middle of two people in a relationship. Ella and Kit. See? The word "and" is both the thing that marks them as a couple and the thing that literally comes between them. Similarly, asking and answering the questions on this game can make you closer and help define your couplehood, or it can come between you. The game should be fun, and both parties should approach it with a happy heart, and a sense of empathy and caring. However, these questions aren't meant to be answered with any less reverence than your own wedding vows.

The rules of the game are simple: 

--Print out these questions and cut them out, and place the strips in an envelope. Or, write them onto index cards and shuffle them. 

--It is decided before each round how many questions you will each ask and answer, depending on how much time you have. For myself and Mr. Suaveterre, 5 questions (10 total) apiece usually means 30-45 minutes of playing time, and 10 questions (20 total) apiece means an hour to an hour and a half.

--Player 1 draws a question, and without revealing what's written on the paper, asks it to Player 2.

--Player 2 may either choose to answer or pass. Answering means that you reply in at least 10 words or one full sentence, whichever is longer. Absolutely no one-word answers allowed!

--Player 2 may choose to pass answering any question, but in order to do so, you must say "pass" and then gaze into your partner's eyes for at least ten seconds. Then your partner draws another question to ask instead of the one you just passed.

--After Player 2 gives his/her answer, Player 1 may ask any questions s/he likes related to the question that was just answered, but Player 2 does not have to answer them. If Player 2 does choose to answer, s/he must answer in a complete sentence. 

--After Player 2 answers player 1's follow-up question(s), or if Player 2 chooses not to answer any follow-up questions, the roles reverse. Player 2 draws a fresh card for Player 1 to answer, and so on.

--The game is over when each player has asked and answered the number of questions decided upon at the beginning of the game.

--If one player wants to exit the game prematurely, they must say that they're forfeiting and give their partner a 20-minute massage. (Mr. Suaveterre and I have thankfully never had to forfeit! I'd be upset, personally, if we didn't complete a game.)


THE QUESTIONS:

1. Who between us "Wears the pants" & how do you feel about it? 
2. What do you think our friends don't get about us? 
3. What was your first impression of me? 
4. What’s your earliest memory of me? 
5. What are you worried could end our relationship? 
6. What do you love about my mom? 
7. If only one of us can become successful, who would you want it to be? Why? 
8. How often do you watch porn? 
9. Do you think we'd stay together if one of us had to move to another country for work?
10. What's your fondest memory of your childhood? 
11. When do you lie to me? 
12. What's your favorite sexual position? Why? 
13. Tell me about the best sex you ever had? 
14. What's your biggest pet peeve in a relationship? 
15. What was the scariest moment of your life? 
16. Would you prefer I look into your eyes when I reach orgasm? 
17. Have you ever done anything in bed that makes you feel uncomfortable? 
18. What would it take for you to kill someone? 
19. Why haven't you told me about your sexual fantasy? 
20. What part of me or my life are you jealous of? Why? 
21. How does your family affect our relationship? 
22. What are you most insecure about in our relationship? 
23. What is the question you don't want me to ask you? 
24. What do I do sexually in bed that you don't like? 
25. What can I do better sexually? 
26. Am I your soul mate? Why? 
27. If you could envision the future for me, what does it look like? 
28. What do you think makes me so beautiful? Why? 
29. Do you like my personal style? Why or why not? 
30. What categories of porn do you watch? 
31. What sexual act are you afraid to try? 
32. What did you learn from your parents that you wish you could forget? 
33. Are you attracted to someone other than me right now? Why are they attractive to you? 
34. In terms of our relationship, what are you afraid of? 
35. What's your favorite sex toy? 
36. What's one improvement I could make of my personal appearance? 
37. What's a mistake you've made that changed your life? 
38. What is something I could do that would make you never talk to me again? 
39. What do you think people say about us behind our back? 
40. What do you think is my best quality? 
41. Why are you a good match for me? 
42. What is the biggest compromise you've made for this relationship? Why? 
43. What do you think I'm searching for in a partner? 
44. What's something you would like to fix about me? 
45. What do you think you missed out on by becoming a parent? (Or, if you don't have kids, "What do to think we missed out on by not having children?") 
46. Do you think I'm ready to be a parent? Why or why not? 
47. What do you think is my issue with money? 
48. What do you love most about our collaboration? 
49. What do you enjoy the most about working together with me? And the least? 
50. Do you think I'm putting work before you? 
51. How does our financial situation affect our relationship? 
52. Why are you maintaining this relationship? 
53. What made you want to come back into my life? 
54. What do you regret most about our relationship? 
55. What have you learned from our relationship? 
56. If we broke up, what would you warn my next partner about? 
57. What is it about our relationship that doesn't work? 
58. What do you regret about committing to me? 
59. What's a fantasy that you are afraid to share with me? 
60. How have I changed since we met and how do you honestly feel about it? 
61. What do you think should be our biggest hope for the future? 
62. How do I hinder the dreamer in you? 
63. How were you different before we met? 
64. What is a mistake you see me make repeatedly? Why do you think I keep making it? 
65. What is the greatest lesson I taught you? 
66. What is preventing me from becoming the man/woman I want to be? 
67. What do I give you that none of your other partners did? 
68. When do you worry about me and why? 
69. When was the moment you knew you loved me? 
70. Which one of our experiences made you love me more? 
71. What are 3 of your favorite memories that we have shared? 
72. What do you think is the hardest thing about the choices we've made? 
73. What do you think I take for granted? 
74. What are your financial concerns in this relationship? 
75. Would you marry me over again, knowing what you do now? 
76. What do I do that annoys you most? 
77. How difficult or taxing do you think my job is on me? 
78. Why are these questions awkward for you? 
79. What is something you are sexually attracted to and also afraid of? 
80. When was the last time you felt resentment towards me? How do you feel about it now? 
81. If you had to be envious of me for one thing, what would it be? 
82. What do you love most about your family? 
83. Who do you feel the most vulnerable with? 
84. When is the last time you lost your nerve completely? Why? 
85. What childhood memory impacted your sexuality? 
86. Do you think we still have the same chemistry of when we met? 
87. Do you prefer older or younger partners? Why? 
88. How would you describe true love? 
89. Is there something you have seen in porn that you wish you could do? 
90. What do you think of women in porn? 
91. Have you ever faked an orgasm when we had sex? 
92. What do you think about the men in porn? 
93. Would you hypothetically be ok with an open relationship? 
94. What do porn actors do that you wish I would do? 
95. What can I do to improve our sex life? 
96. What do you wish I would forgive you for? 
97. What is your sexual fantasy you're afraid to ask me? 
98. Are you afraid I'll become like your father/mother? 
99. How am I different from your other lovers? 
100. FREE CHOICE. Don't read this aloud! Ask your partner any question you want. 
101. What do you love about my family? And what do you wish you could change about them? 
102. What do you think I'm missing out on by being with you? 
103. Who takes more responsibility in our relationship? 
104. What's your favorite thing/imperfection about me? 
105. What do you think is the value in being celibate? 
106. What do you feel we're missing out on in this relationship? 
107. What's the one thing you can't stand about me? 
108. What do you think I'm insecure about? 
109. Why did you get jealous last time and how do you feel about it now? 
110. When are you sexually satisfied? 
111. When have I disappointed you most and then made up for it? 
112. What's the pain in me you'd like to heal? 
113. When was the last time you questioned ending our relationship and why didn't you? 
114. What was your biggest concern when we were expecting a child? 
115. What is the biggest surprise to you about being married? 
116. When did you realize that I was not who you thought I was? 
117. Am I the person you thought you would marry when you were younger? 
118. What do you think I think is the most frustrating aspect of living with me? 
119. What's the biggest compromise you've ever made? 
120. What is the sexiest part of my body? 
121. What do you think is my sexiest quality? 
122. What is your sexual fantasy you would like to have with me? 
123. If you could change one thing about me what would it be? 
124. What's the hardest thing about our relationship? 
125. How do you describe me to others? 
126. Do we have enough sex? 
127. Who sacrifices more in our relationship? How do you feel about that? 
128. What would you do if I cheated on you (again)? 
129. When was the last time you felt jealous of me? 
130. In the back of your mind do you think I'll leave you? 
131. When was the last time you considered ending our relationship and why didn't you? 
132. What's the biggest challenge of our relationship? 
133. When were you proudest of me? 
134. What lessons have you learned from previous relationships that you're using in ours? 
135. What excites you about our future together? Why? 
136. What do you think people say behind your back? 
137. Do you think I make enough money and why? 
138. What is the number one most attractive quality in a person to you? 
139. Tell me a secret that you're not supposed to tell? 
140. What advice would you give your 16 year old self? 
141. When was the last time you cried? 
142. What do you think you would find if you went through my phone right now? 
143. What kind of person do you think I am? 
144. When are you afraid of other people? 
145. When did you seriously consider leaving me? 
146. When do you want more personal space? 
147. What's something you would never forgive me for? 
148. What is your favorite sexual position? 
149. How do you feel when I bring up previous sexual partners? 
150. When was the exact moment you knew you loved me? 
151. How would you rate your life and what could you do to improve it? 
152. What is the most important thing you didn't do that you should have done? 
153. What do you feel when you make love?
154. What is beautiful about me? 
155. What do I do that makes you trust me? 
156. When are you jealous of me? 
157. What do you think I'm learning from you? 
158. Why don't you trust me? 
159. Why do you love me? 
160. What was the trip that connected us the best and why? 
161. What do you want me to take away from this relationship? 
162. What is missing from our relationship? 
163. Would you be happier if we were still together, but lived apart? 
164. In 15 years from now, do you think we'll still be this close? Why or why not? 
165. What important lesson did you learn from your last relationship? 
166. Do you really feel that you are pushing yourself hard enough or just settling? 
167. How would I react if I fail? 
168. What do you see for us in 10 years? 
169. Why are we making it work right now? 
170. What is a total turn off for you from our habits? 
171. What scares you most about being a parent? 
172. Do you believe there is hope for us? 
173. What do you admire most about me? 
174. When do you feel you're betraying your faith? 
175. Do you ever feel like you are betraying your faith by being with me? 
176. Do you secretly hope that I will convert to your religion? 
177. What was your first impression of me that you never told me? 
178. When do you feel that I judge you and why do you think I do? 
179. What makes you think you're making the right choice about your sexuality? 
180. What would you change about your relationship with your family? 
181. What's the one lesson you think I can learn that will really help me? 
182. What quality in me made you come back instead of leaving forever? 
183. What's one improvement I could make of my personal appearance? 
184. What's a sacrifice you've made that I haven't acknowledged? 
185. Are you scared that I'll hurt you emotionally? How? Why? 
186. What is your favorite memory of us? Why is it important to you? 
187. What's one thing I could do to improve our relationship? 
188. When do you think I take you for granted? Why? 
189. Do you love me different now than you did before? 
190. What do you think is the most important lesson I'm learning at this stage of my life? 
191. Are you ever worried I may fall in love (again) with someone else? Why? 
192. What was your first impression of me that attracted you? 
193. What change in me could I make to improve my relationship with my mom/dad? 
194. What is one sexual fantasy you would like to have? 
195. What do you wish I did differently? 
196. What's the most difficult lesson you've learned from being with me? 
197. What do you want most from me? 
198. What do you think is the biggest challenge to our relationship? 
199. What's the most fun you've had with me and why? 
200. If you could wish one thing for me what would it be and why? 
201. What do you think is the hardest thing for me right now? 
202. When did you feel that I wasn't there for you? 
203. What's one lesson or value that I taught you that you now know is false or a mistake? Why? 
204. What's been the hardest thing for you that I didn't see or understand? 
205. Describe a moment that changed the direction of your life? 
206. What is the mistake that I keep repeating? Why? 
207. What was the moment you felt closest to me? 
208. In what ways are we similar and how does that scare you? 
209. What mistakes do you see me making that you've also made? What would you advise me to do? 
210. What's your greatest fear about getting older? 
211. Do you think I'm happy in my current relationship? 
212. What is a secret that you have been too afraid to tell me? 
213. What do you love about me that I don't see in myself? 
214. What would you change in me to make this work? 
215. Why haven't you given up on our relationship? 
216. Which of my friends do you wish you didn't have to hang out with? Why? 
217. Why are you in this relationship? 
218. The last time you compromised for me, how did you feel about it? 
219. What's your favorite thing about me? 
220. Do you believe that I was emotionally present in our relationship? Am I now? 
221. What do you love about our relationship? 
222. When was the last time I misunderstood you? 
223. If we weren't married, what kind of partner do you think would be best for me? 
224. When do you get jealous of me being with others? 
225. What are the next steps in our relationship? 
226. Describe your first impression of me? 
227. Are you certain you will stay with me forever? 
228. Who has more power in our relationship? 
229. What do you get from your faith that supports our relationship? 
230. What change would you make to improve our sex life? 
231. Who loves whom more? 
232. What do you love about me? 
233. What is it about me that makes you think I understand you? 
234. Are you ever afraid that I'll leave you for a younger version of me? 
235. What are you getting out of this friendship? 
236. How has battling your addictions/flaws/indiscretions affected our relationship? 
237. How often do you wonder what it would be like to be with someone else? 
238. What's the greatest gift you received from battling drugs and alcohol? 
239. When do you feel sexiest with me? 
240. What do you think I'm learning from you? 
241. How do my insecurities test your commitment to our relationship? 
242. If you could change our living arrangement, what would you change first and why? 
243. In what way do you wish I demonstrated my love for you that I neglect to do now? 
244. What do you think are my hopes for our future? 
245. What would you change about my relationship to aging? 
246. What's special about the way we communicate when we are most intimate? 
247. When do you think I successfully satisfy your emotional needs? 
248. Who do you think I feel the closest to out of your friends? 
249. What part of my body do you think is the most sensitive and why? 
250. What would you change about our love making to connect more deeply? 
251. If you had to consider polyamory, what kind of second partner would you look for and why? 
252. What do you lack in your life that I cannot provide? Why? 
253. Why do you think I am not sexually fulfilled? 
254. What surprised you the most about being with me? 
255. When do you think I doubt my commitment to us? 
256. If we break up, what makes you think that we wouldn't be able to be friends? 
257. What is one daily routine that you do that I don't value? 
258. Choose 5 words to describe what you think kissing me is like. 
259. What is my type and do you think you're it? 
260. What question do you hate being asked? 
261. How do our differences enhance our relationship? 
262. In 5 words, describe how you think others perceive you? 
263. What do I do that makes you feel like you can't trust me? 
264. What do you think is my biggest pet peeve of your personality? 
265. What frustrates you most about me? 
266. When do you come to me for help instead of your friends? 
267. When do you feel most secure in our friendship? 
268. Who gives more in our friendship? 
269. What was the last decision you made that you regretted immediately? 
270. What was the moment you felt most ashamed regarding sex and why? 
271. How do you think we best support each other? 
272. If you could swap a skill or experience with me, what would it be? 
273. What do you think I treasure most in our relationship? 
274. What do you think is my mission in life? 
275. What aspect of my work do you think satisfies me most? 
276. What do I bring into your life that you cannot live without? 
277. What is the one thing you think I can change right now to start living the life I see for myself? 
278. What was the last lie you told a loved one? 
279. How am I helping you become the person you want to be? 
280. What quality of mine do you most desire for yourself? 
281. What was the moment you believe I was most inspired by you? 
282. What part of the world do you think I would be the most content living in and why? 
283. How has our relationship changed in the last six months? 
284. How often to you think about me? 
285. What can I do to be a better influence for you? 
286. What do I do that embarrasses you most? 
287. What do you think I think is the biggest reason we misunderstand one another? 
288. What do you think is the biggest thing we could do to improve our relationship? 
289. What do you think terrifies me the most about getting older? 
290. What is a secret you keep from me out of fear that I won't understand? 
291. What is one major way you know our minds work differently? 
292. What would be the one thing you would change about the way I manage my time? 
293. When was the last time you felt that I truly encouraged and believed in you? 
294. When was the last time you were ashamed to be seen with me and why? 
295. Through our relationship, what have you learned about yourself that scares you? 
296. When do you feel that I don't understand you? 
297. When do you feel we are most distant from one another? 
298. When was the last time you doubted my love for you? 
299. When was the moment I inspired you most? 
300. What do you wish you could have changed about your introduction to sex? 
301. Do you think I choose friends that are good for me? 
302. In what way do you think you add to my happiness? 
303. What do you think makes me the happiest? 
304. What is a bad habit of mine that frustrates you? 
305. What is a bad habit you've picked up from me? 
306. What is a dream you have that you think I undervalue and how does that affect you? 
307. What is one disagreement we will always have? 
308. What experiences did you have as a child that you wish I had experienced as well? 
309. What's one thing you used to love to do as a kid that you no longer do and why? 
310. When you think about the first time you fell in love, what do you remember? 
311. What is one thing you learned from your parents that you wish I would learn as well? 
312. What do you think was the best gift you've ever given me? 
313. What do you think I should change about the way I argue to make our fights more productive? 
314. What do I do that makes you feel loved? 
315. When was the last time you felt blissful? 
316. How do I inspire you? 
317. What have I told you that was hard for you to hear? 
318. What is something you're learning from me? 
319. When do you miss me most? 
320. When you close your eyes and think of me, what's the first thing you see and why? 
321. What do you think is my greatest accomplishment? 
322. If you had to drop everything right now, what kind of life would you build for yourself? 
323. Describe the last time you truly enjoyed my company? 
324. Describe my personality in 5 words. 
325. What do I do that allows you to feel most comfortable being yourself and why? 
326. What excites you the most about our future? 
327. What should I change to satisfy your emotional needs better? 
328. Do I remind you of anyone in your family? If so, Who? 
329. When do you enjoy spending time with me the most and why? 
330. When was the moment you decided to get to know me better? 
331. What do you think is my most admirable quality? 
332. What is our strongest common value that connects us? 
333. Do you respect your parents? Why or why not? 
334. What do you think I think is my greatest accomplishment? 
335. What do you think my past says about my character? 
336. Have you ever felt abused by me? What would it take for you to heal from that?
337. What do you regret about marrying me?
338. Do you feel patronized or emasculated by my attempts to care for you? 
339. What do you think makes love die? 
340. Is a bad sex life an indicator of a bad marriage?
341. If you could write a question for "the and" what would it be? 
342. If you only had fifteen minutes to dedicate to it, what would you do to show your love for me? 
343. Would you ever be able to forgive me if I cheated on you? 
344. If I only had 15 minutes to spare, what could I do to show you I love you? 
345. How do you think most marital arguments start? 
346. If you could choose to give yourself a different love language, would you? What would it be? 
347. How often do you think it is healthy for couples to argue? 
348. What is something you want to confront me about but don't for fear of starting a fight? 
349. Are you afraid to be sexually intimate with me? Why? 
350. What is something you think I feel/think about you that makes you afraid? 
351. How do our cultural differences drive us apart?
352. If you could change one aspect of your personality, what would it be and why? 
353. How often do you think of "us"?
354. Are you afraid to be emotionally intimate with me? Why? 
355. What do you think I need most from you? 
356. How much effort do you think I put into the relationship? 
357. When is the last time you seriously considered divorcing me? 
358. When you are stressed or upset, do you want to go to me? Why or why not? 
359. If things between us were terrible and I seemed to be making little or no effort to help us, what would you do? 
360. In the context of our relationship, what makes you afraid?
361. Do you feel like you can share your every thought with me? Why or why not? 
362. In what ways do our political views affect our relationship?
363. Do you ever have dreams about or involving me? 
364. Do my emotional problems compromise our relationship?
365. Would you ever consider polyamory, swinging, or a threesome? Why or why not?
366. What unresolved issues from your childhood do you think are hurting your relationships?
367. If I were barren/impotent, how would this affect our relationship? 
368. Do you ever flirt with other people besides me? When and why?
370. Do you think I am emotionally warm or cold? Why?
371. Are we better friends or lovers? How so?
372. Do you think I’m more generous or more selfish in the way I treat you? How so?
373. If we divorced, how would you try to get over me/us?
374. Do you think you could have been happy married to someone else? Why or why not?
375. If you could choose between being married, friends-with-benefits, in a polyamorous relationship, or single, what would you choose and why?
376. When do you sulk or brood? 
377. When was the last time you felt “cold” or “uninterested” towards me? Why?
378. When was the last time I annoyed you? Could we have handled the situation differently?
379. Do you enjoy playful pestering/taunting/teasing? Why or why not?
380. How do you think you sometimes misinterpret my emotions?
381. What comforts you when you feel alone?
382. Do you believe loneliness is a natural part of life, or a disease to be eradicated?
383. Does romantic jealousy indicate a caring protectiveness or control issues?
384. When do I patronize you?
385. When was the last time you felt sexually rejected by me? 
386. Is willingness to stay after infidelity a sign of morality or of cowardice?
387. How have cultural expectations of love influenced our relationship? Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
389. Do I ever neglect or ignore you? How?
390. Is it generally better to be gentle or to give “tough love”?
391. Were you ever cruel to someone you secretly liked? Why?
392. Can people “learn” how to love or does the act of teaching love diminish its sincerity?
393. Would you ever want to have sex outdoors? Why or why not?
394. How can I help you when you’re feeling low?
395. What is your sense of humor? 
396. Is it true that “you can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself”? Why or why not?
397. What do you think is the real purpose of marriage?
398. Would you prefer to be in a long-distance relationship or to co-habitate?
399. How important is humor in relationships?
400. If you could write an instruction manual to yourself, what would you be certain to include?
401. Does pessimism have a place in love?
402. Is it ever okay for a couple to be sexually reserved or prudish?
403. When you’ve been wronged, in what way do you prefer to see remorse?
405. How do you think I can learn to better control my temper?
406. Do you think a long-term relationship is morally superior to a fling or a short-term relationship? Why or why not?
407. If we were to divorce, how could I make it more bearable for you?
408. Do you fear being bad in bed?
409. Name something sexy and erotic that people can do with their clothes on.
410. If you were to have an affair, what do you think might have led you to cheat? (Or, if you are a BS: What led you to cheat on me?”
411. What is your favorite way to be hugged?
412. Do you think you have any psychological hang-ups which would prevent you from having relationships with perfectly good people?
413. Would you ever be okay with us trying hardcore acts in the bedroom? Why or why not?
414. Do you enjoy sexting? Why or why not?
415. Is pornography infidelity?
416. What is something you blame me for? Why? What can I do in order to help you?
417. What makes you feel ashamed?
418. Why do you think some straight people are attracted to gay and lesbian sex?
419. Do you ever think you’ve married the wrong person?
420. Do you think you’re addicted to porn?
421. How do you think your parents think of me?


----------



## jld

Ella, I think you win the grand prize with all those questions! Can't really go deeper than all that!


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

jld said:


> Ella, I think you win the grand prize with all those questions! Can't really go deeper than all that!


Thanks. My Beloved and I have gone through almost all of them! I'll have to somehow come up with more, and soon. Or maybe I could just re-write the questions onto fancy photoshop templates and re-print them on card stock. That'd be a cool thing to do for Valentine's Day, wouldn't it??


----------



## jld

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Thanks. My Beloved and I have gone through almost all of them! I'll have to somehow come up with more, and soon. Or maybe I could just re-write the questions onto fancy photoshop templates and re-print them on card stock. That'd be a cool thing to do for Valentine's Day, wouldn't it??


How about asking him to come up with some?


----------



## EllaSuaveterre

jld said:


> How about asking him to come up with some?


I could certainly try. I don't know whether that would get us anywhere. As much as he seems to like our game and the talks that result from them, he's not exactly verbose or florid, in any way. In fact, outside of this game, he almost never speaks of serious matters, which is why I came up with it. (or, okay, found it on the internet and wrote about 400 questions to expand it) I did it that way so that the pressure was taken off of him to think of "the right thing" to say, and it seemed to work miracles.


----------



## Davidmidwest

Hi Yes I would, but would either partner put away and do all the communication, deep and real compromise for saving money, eat diner together, not lead parallel lives and drop contempt? Will the forgivable if it involves warts like not that great income, lack of job security, health issues, get rid of hoarding, and tell the kids to move out after age 23?, and be able to communicate without embarrassment what they wish to do in bed (I am talking normal marital relationships-no kinky stuff, unless you both are into that). 

But I didn't ask these questions at all after or during the ten years of marriage I did ask for the the kids chip in or move out, I stated the need for a cooked meal, together time, dating life, and gifts and time to develop memories. In ten years I have no assets not due to overspending, no vacation, no romantic gift given or gave, no memories to build upon to discuss during a dinner at home or out, nor one to share with kids, or for nostalgia sake if either one of us died. I don't know how we got to this point, but we hate each other. We woke up at the same time and said, I hate you, I am out of here. your thoughts?

Thanks.. I just know I am an empty shell of a man who does not know who he is again. I am at the bottom of the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I, at the beginning I was at the third empathy rung at 25%. It's very scary to having to learn to live, love, love yourself and wonder why God don't talk to you again. Unless he is and told us to cut bait.???


----------

