# do you regret divorce after infidelity?



## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

My wife and I had a beatiful baby about 2.5 years ago. We were so happy until I discovered she had an EA about 9 months prior to the child. After digging, all I could find was EA content in her email, facebook, pictures and etc. I confronted her and she confessed ot having an EA, but nothing physical.

Then when the child turned 1.5 years old, I did a paternity test, and found out I am not the father. I confronted her again, and she confessed to sleeping with him. She says she met him to end the EA, and got up to leave, and the next thing she knew he was on top of her having sex. She claims she does not know what happend. Possibly date rape?

I still feel she is not being honest and not giving all the details. I also found her having coorespondence with him after. I am struggling with this, not sleeping right, not eating right and etc. Its just too much to handle. 

Do I walk away after 15 years of marriage? Will I regret it? Can counseling really help? Is it even worth it? Thoughts?

I guess I want to know other mens experiences in a situtation like this. I know its easy to say just leave, but its just not so easy. I would leave, leaving her the house and cars and business. I feel like hte babys father after 2 years of taking care of him.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd leave.


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## lisabella (Aug 17, 2012)

you should leave without leaving her anything.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Other kids? If not the door would get knocked off the hinges I would leave so fast. You also need to file a petition with the court to have a legal paternity test done. In most states the assumption is that if child is born in a marriage it is the child of both. Regardless of what you now know, you are currently legally responsible for that child financially. You need to get that corrected ASAP!

If you do have other kids, its a messy issue, but I would still do the paternity thing and tell the kids about their half brother/ sister.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Just to add, sorry for the confusion, there is only the 1 child, the 2.5 year old. She claims she loves me and wants to do anything to save the marriage. I know she broke off all communications with him about 2 years ago.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Cheaters are accomplished liars. You have already established that the child isn't yours. If you had three more children, that's how many paternity test you would require.
It's up to you if you decide to leave or stay.
Just know that now that your really "know", you will NEVER be able to trust her our of your sight should you stay.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Also, are there any women here that were in a situation like this that would care to explain why she did the things she did?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow! I'm so sorry what your wife did.

You'd bet I'd leave! She gave you the ultimate betrayal! 

Also, I'd be staying in your sons life and not resent what his mother did. You are his father even though your not blood related. If you decide not to be active in his life, it will ruin him forever. Treat him as your own. You've already invested 15 years into raising him. 

Good luck.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow! I'm so sorry what your wife did.
> 
> You'd bet I'd leave! She gave you the ultimate betrayal!
> 
> ...


It's easy to say that, but she could easily poison this kids head.


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## lisabella (Aug 17, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Just to add, sorry for the confusion, there is only the 1 child, the 2.5 year old. She claims she loves me and wants to do anything to save the marriage. I know she broke off all communications with him about 2 years ago.


probably HE broke off all communications with HER!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd leave and sue him for the cost of raising the child.

She knew it was his, she knew she slept with him at the exact start of conception - and she chose to lie to you because I'm betting he didn't want to raise the kid, or while she wanted him to the father gene-wise she wanted to use you and the one to provide the home etc.

Whatever the reason - falsely presenting you another man's child as yours to raise is one of the areas of cheating I personally think is beyond reconciliation.

You'd be living the rest of your life as the THIRD class citizen in the family. It would always be her+his child - with you as the outsider stuck paying the bills for another man's family.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow! I'm so sorry what your wife did.
> 
> You'd bet I'd leave! She gave you the ultimate betrayal!
> 
> ...


No it's been 15 years of marriage.

the kid is only 2 year old


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## lisabella (Aug 17, 2012)

plus she PERHAPS was hoping to get him via this baby.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

What led you to do the paternity test in the first place? Was it the suspicions that you had? Or was it the baby's physical features?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Wow! I'm so sorry what your wife did.
> 
> You'd bet I'd leave! She gave you the ultimate betrayal!
> 
> ...


I dont think i would stay. What gall, to have a child and have you assume its yours when itis not, have you raise it when its not. This has happened here recently to a man who caught his wife cheating and happened to do a paternity test on his 8 month old son because she went out a couple times during those times of possible conception. Turns out it wasnt his. Its tough but i can ASSURE you that you will find someone better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Just to add, sorry for the confusion, there is only the 1 child, the 2.5 year old. She claims she loves me and wants to do anything to save the marriage. I know she broke off all communications with him about 2 years ago.


What about you? What about the child? Do you love her? 

You said


> My wife and I had a beatiful baby about 2.5 years ago


Do you still feel that way about the child? That she is your child by you being her dad, even if you were not her father?

If so, divorce is an option, but it might not be the only option. 

How is your wife about what she did? Remorse? If so, is it genuine?

Do you still love her? Does she still love you?

You are in my prayers.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You did the paternity test way too late. It seems that if you're in the US you may be stuck with child support even if the child isn't yours. How is that for "equality!?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I find it interesting that she hasn't tried having a second child with you. She knew it wasn't yours - women know these things - especially when she had sex with him at the exact start of conception. She knew.

So you didn't find out to until the kid as 1.5 years old - which is very much into the window that couples would be thinking about a second child.

Yet you didn't mention working on a second child - which I now question why didn't she push for a second that would be yours? that would have helped lock you in and if she wants to be with you, wouldn't she want your child in the marriage?


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

I had the test done because of both, features and feelings. She is from India, I am White.

I dont know where my feelings are for her because she just hasnt been honest. She says she loves me, wants to fix this and make it work.

I actually thought for a moment she just wanted her own cultures baby over mine. And that perhaps she wanted to TRAP this guy into being with her, divorcing me. He was scheduled for an arranged marriage at this time and they both knew it. So without her being honest upfront, I cant tell.

Lesson to all women who are reading this, please be honest. It may hurt more but at least we would know where we stand.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I find it interesting that she hasn't tried having a second child with you. She knew it wasn't yours - women know these things - especially when she had sex with him at the exact start of conception. She knew.
> 
> So you didn't find out to until the kid as 1.5 years old - which is very much into the window that couples would be thinking about a second child.
> 
> Yet you didn't mention working on a second child - which I now question why didn't she push for a second that would be yours? that would have helped lock you in and if she wants to be with you, wouldn't she want your child in the marriage?


We did actually discuss it, and were working towards it when i found out. Things are on hold now until I decide what I am going to do.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> He was scheduled for an arranged marriage at this time and they both knew it. So without her being honest upfront, I cant tell.


Ah and there is why she is holding on you - he's not available to her as his family would have invested a lot in his marriage. So she needed you to raise his child for her.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

NO WAY IN HECK I WOULD EVER CONSIDER STAYING! Have some self respect and D!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> No it's been 15 years of marriage.
> 
> the kid is only 2 year old


Oops... Darn it. I need to slow down my reading. I thought the child was 15. My sincere apologies.

I'd leave in a heartbeat. Since the child is so young, I would not be willing to pay child support. Actually I'd pack up today. Saturday is a good day to move.

I personally never would forgive Infidelity.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> My wife and I had a beatiful baby about 2.5 years ago. We were so happy until I discovered she had an EA about 9 months prior to the child. After digging, all I could find was EA content in her email, facebook, pictures and etc. I confronted her and she confessed ot having an EA, but nothing physical.


You, like many of us, myself included, only checked her known accounts. Heck, my fWW would immediately delete her correspondence with her OM to hide it from me then created secret email accounts and a secret facebook account. I would never have thought about installing a keylogger or get a VAR back then. It was only until I went on support sites like this that I know better now. 

Then when you found out the EA, she trickle truthed you big time. Standard cheater script stuff. She only confessed to what you knew, nothing more. 



whoami2012 said:


> Then when the child turned 1.5 years old, I did a paternity test, and found out I am not the father. I confronted her again, and she confessed to sleeping with him.


She only confessed to sleeping with him because the proof was undeniable. 



whoami2012 said:


> She says she met him to end the EA, and got up to leave, and the next thing she knew he was on top of her having sex. She claims she does not know what happend. Possibly date rape?
> 
> I still feel she is not being honest and not giving all the details. I also found her having coorespondence with him after.


Again, more trickle truth and lies. Since she could no longer deny sleeping with him, she of course would say it was only once and that he forced himself on her. Yet she continued to have contact with OM. More standard cheater script behavior. The truth is she was probably in an EA with OM for a while, before and after the baby was born. How long she continued the affair? Most likely much longer than you know. Maybe even up to now if you haven't really investigated. She's an accomplished cheater. There's a former member who's WW was having at least a 15 year affair, OM is the father of the 15 year old daughter, and continued contact with the OM right up until D-Day, and most likely after because he refused to do any monitoring.



whoami2012 said:


> Do I walk away after 15 years of marriage?


That's entirely up to you. But how do you rugsweep her having an OC? You can't. Because even though it's not the boy's fault he was born, he will be a constant daily reminder that she cheated on you enough to bear another man's child.



whoami2012 said:


> Will I regret it?


You may miss your daily interactions with the child, but he's still very young and you would detach after a while. You can still be a part of his life. But I don't see how you would regret breaking it off with your WW. She loved another man enough to bear his child and lied to you repeatedly. In fact, she would have been gone if the OM was a better choice financially and he was slated to marry someone else. You have cars, a house, and a business, so obviously she chose you over OM for financial reasons. Can you live with that fact? Can you continue to live with the fact that you're her back up plan and that she stayed with you only because you can pay the bills?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

So even if you want to raise the baby as your own and not tell anyone it will be obvious by looking at the baby that he/she is not yours biologically.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife hooked up with this guy---12 yrs into your mge----his was an arranged mge

Don't be surprised if the alleged one time sex---was her wedding present to him---and it was more than likely more than one time

Why would she need to go and see him to say it was over---I am sure you made it quite clear to her---there was to be NC---and so what does she do---she goes to him and spreads her legs for him

Did you ever get to the WHY of this---why after 12 years did she get into this A.---problem is you can't believe anything she says

IMHO--I think your mge is dead in the water, and sad as it is---that kid is gonna be a trigger for you-----other question is how much is the lover gonna be in his kids life--cuz it is his kid---or has he just dissapeared into his own mge, not to be heard from again

You should contact his wife, and tell her her H. has a child, even tho it sounds like they were not married at the time---but he is a homewrecker

How really remorseful, and accountable is your wife---cuz she sure as he*l pulled the wool over your eyes, and kept it there as long as she could----and her story about her lover all of a sudden appearing on top of her---was that something out of the kama sutra----get out of this mge, the longer you stay with her, the worse this will be for your mental health!!!!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

No, I don't regret divorcing my ex wayward wife. Not at all.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I also do not regret divorcing my serial cheating ex h either. Not at all.

I remarried and I could not be any happier!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I thought through the story again and her tale doesn't add up.

She met with him to end the EA but it went physical one time and she got pregnant? 

Yet she didn't stop the EA then did she? She continued to contact him for at least another 6 months.

Which would have been when she was really and truly showing.

---

let me suggest a different tale:

They had been hooking for a while. He told her that he might be getting married. She decided to get pregnant with his kid. She continued to hookup with him and try to hook him. He rejected her, especially when he realized or was told it was his baby. He dumped her hard and she panicked knowing she lost him, and was about to give birth. 

She knew it was his - they didn't have sex just once - HE knows it is his. She is in major survival mode here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I had the test done because of both, features and feelings. She is from India, I am White.
> 
> *I dont know where my feelings are for her because she just hasnt been honest. She says she loves me, wants to fix this and make it work.*
> 
> ...



She hasnt been honest because she's a bad person who wants you to raise another man's child. She has only been admitting to you what you know. She's not going to tell you the whole truth. She's a liar. A good one at that. She has been hiding stuff from you. You looked but could not find. 

It is a certainty that she has more secrets.


Lesson to you -- why should she be honest? There's no need for her to be honest. If she was, would you raise your wife's lover's child? If she told you , "hey, the child is my lover's, you are going to raise her", would you do so? 

If yes, then she should be okay to go out and have another one.

If no, then let her go. She will be fine. She made her choice years ago on how she wants to live her life.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You know what's interesting?

You're married for 15 years. The affair and child is about 3-4 years. (affair + pregnancy + age of child)

So, for the first 10 years or so of your marriage, what was this other man doing? How long did she know this OM?

This OM had an arranged marriage? Is his wife much younger than him?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Call her bluff on the date rape. Tell her to prosecute him. Date rape is horrible. If she truly thought that's what happened she should have no trouble doing this.

Her backpedaling should tell you all you need to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> They had been hooking for a while. He told her that he might be getting married. She decided to get pregnant with his kid. .


Given that it was hard to let go of each other, they decided to have this kid as a memory.
They did it on purpose and it was well-calculated.

She sees the OM when she looks at this kid's eyes.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Beta chump provider for marriage, alpha inseminator for the baby seed.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Damit where is Bandit and Kallan when you need them..


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I find it crazy that the people on this site tell you to leave like they do when they tell other people how to work it out. The difference here is that your situation resulted in a child, an innocent in all of this remember.
It's like a terrible double standard that even the women here are putting forth...but I digress.

I think you should give your wife a chance to confess the entire truth. If she maintains the rape story, tell her that you plan to press charges on the man for rape and that will most likely bring about the entire truth. She only gets one chance, if she chooses to lie again then you can leave.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> I find it crazy that the people on this site tell you to leave like they do when they tell other people how to work it out. The difference here is that your situation resulted in a child, an innocent in all of this remember.
> It's like a terrible double standard that even the women here are putting forth...but I digress.
> 
> I think you should give your wife a chance to confess the entire truth. If she maintains the rape story, tell her that you plan to press charges on the man for rape and that will most likely bring about the entire truth. She only gets one chance, if she chooses to lie again then you can leave.


*Sigh* what do you think his been doing?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

May i ask you. How come 10 year's an no kids during that time?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> I find it crazy that the people on this site tell you to leave like they do when they tell other people how to work it out. The difference here is that your situation resulted in a child, an innocent in all of this remember.
> It's like a terrible double standard that even the women here are putting forth...but I digress.
> 
> I think you should give your wife a chance to confess the entire truth. If she maintains the rape story, tell her that you plan to press charges on the man for rape and that will most likely bring about the entire truth. She only gets one chance, if she chooses to lie again then you can leave.



I find it hard to believe the claim of rape because:
1. she did not act like a married woman at the time;
2. she engaged in an EA, at the very least, while married;
3. she was not truthful about the sex /"rape" with the OM;
4. which 3rd party did she tell about the rape;
5. she has shown she's very capable of lying


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

For OPs wife, the child is the reminder of what OM and she had. She wanted him in her life, but OM was clever enough to dump her, so she choose to have OMs child. she was well aware of it from the beginning. I don't know a lady who don't know who knocked her up until its a gang rape or gang bang.

I read about a cheater women who had three children with three OMs who were body builders, while her husband was only an average guy but a good provider. She told that she will never leave her clueless husband only because he was the best provider for her OMs children. Same is your story she needs you as a provider but she don't need your genes. For her you are only an ATM which gives cash when ever she needed the money.

Now its time for you to decide what you wanted to be in a marriage an ATM or a husband who is desired and loved by a wife and children.

I never regretted Divorcing my wife,


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> May i ask you. How come 10 year's an no kids during that time?


We both decided to wait a little until we were settled and traveled. We did both and then started working towards it, when she got pregnant by this om. This is how I did not realize it was mine right away. But once I held the child, it was a weird feeling, like I was holding a stranger. But I never said anything. Then people kept making the comments about how the child did not look anything like me. She laughed it off saying her genes were stronger.

Today, she seems regretful but I dont know how much of that is from fear of losing what she has or whatever. I can say I am at abou 90% leaving. 

Its easy to type "Leave her" but its not so easy to do when you have been married for 15. There is a lot that has to happen. Court divorce, house, cars, buisness, bank accounts, family, and etc that have been so intertwined I still dont see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was hoping, just hoping someone out there had something similar and made it through it. But it looks like that may not be the case here.

I can tell you that I can confirm when she met him, when the started to secretly get together, and what they said to each other in IMs, chats, email, and phone. See I am in the information securityt business and I was able to recover everyhting. Not somethings, but everything because I also had access to all her work computers and etc. So I do know most details which are important but way too much to post here.

Perhaps I will start a thread about how I did what I did to find out what I found out to help others in similar situations...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Given that it was hard to let go of each other, they decided to have this kid as a memory.
> They did it on purpose and it was well-calculated.
> 
> She sees the OM when she looks at this kid's eyes.


Oh my god! That's one of the most diabolical things I've read here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I can tell you that I can confirm when she met him, when the started to secretly get together, and what they said to each other in IMs, chats, email, and phone. See I am in the information securityt business and I was able to recover everyhting. Not somethings, but everything because I also had access to all her work computers and etc. So I do know most details which are important but way too much to post here.
> 
> *Perhaps I will start a thread* about how I did what I did to find out what I found out to help others in similar situations...



Yes, please do this. Maybe in the Private members section so that cheaters from other sites (like d0c00l) do not come up with countermeasures. You'll need to build up your post count for the private section.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

That child will always be a reminder of the brutal betrayal she bestowed upon you. I personally couldn't live like that.

Here's what happened, things didn't work out with him, he was a deadbeat, and you were the fall guy. Backup, plan #2, the shmuck who's gonna be stuck taking care of me and my kid.

She saw you as a source of income and now she's scared of losing that. As for the date rape, she held the paternity of the child from you! How could a person feel no guilt doing that? She takes lying to the extreme. Iwouldnt even believe her if she told me the sky was blue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> We both decided to wait a little until we were settled and traveled. We did both and then started working towards it, when she got pregnant by this om. This is how I did not realize it was mine right away. But once I held the child, it was a weird feeling, like I was holding a stranger. But I never said anything. Then people kept making the comments about how the child did not look anything like me. She laughed it off saying her genes were stronger.
> 
> Today, she seems regretful but I dont know how much of that is from fear of losing what she has or whatever. I can say I am at abou 90% leaving.
> 
> ...


I can't imagine how I would feel if I was in your shoes, but those 15 years are gone, do you really want to waste another minute of your life raising OM child?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Oh my god! That's one of the most diabolical things I've read here.


Give it time. If this guy stays with his cheater, he will eventually not be able to be around the child. In any event his cheater will eventually tell the child about her "father" and it will all end up the OP's fault and she will feel the same.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

aug said:


> Yes, please do this. Maybe in the Private members section so that cheaters from other sites (like d0c00l) do not come up with countermeasures. You'll need to build up your post count for the private section.


Or ante up $15 to become a forum supporter. (Money well-spent I might add.)


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Or ante up $15 to become a forum supporter. (Money well-spent I might add.)


Perhaps, I have worked for some of the largest companies in the world, doing just this. Gathering evidence. My poor wife thinking I could not figure this out. I cant imagine whats in her head everytime I ask a question, she answers, and I show her her own email or chat stating the opposite.

Its a shame though that a spouse who has put his life in to someone has to resort to this to understand betrayal.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> We both decided to wait a little until we were settled and traveled. We did both and then started working towards it, when she got pregnant by this om. This is how I did not realize it was mine right away. But once I held the child, it was a weird feeling, like I was holding a stranger. But I never said anything. Then people kept making the comments about how the child did not look anything like me. She laughed it off saying her genes were stronger.
> 
> Today, she seems regretful but I dont know how much of that is from fear of losing what she has or whatever. I can say I am at abou 90% leaving.
> 
> ...


Im so sorry and sad at the same time to hear your 
story. Does OM know?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> ...I discovered she had an EA about 9 months prior to the child. ...she confessed ot having an EA, but nothing physical.
> 
> Then when the child turned 1.5 years old, I did a paternity test, and found out I am not the father. I confronted her again, and she confessed to sleeping with him. She says she met him to end the EA, and got up to leave, and the next thing she knew he was on top of her having sex. She claims she does not know what happend. Possibly date rape?


So lets the some facts out.

- she betrayed you 
- then lied about it not being PA.
- then lied about being raped.
- still is lying about the parts you don't know. 

Speed and get a ticket, kill someone you go to jail, Cheat and lie and lie then any self respecting spouse has to end the relationship. Now there are varying degrees of mistake and remorse. Trust me your situation is not a mild degree. She was completely willing to lie about all this and even let you raise and treat someone else's child as your own. That must by your choice and not hers. She has no real love or respect for you.




whoami2012 said:


> ... Do I walk away after 15 years of marriage? Will I regret it? Can counseling really help? Is it even worth it? Thoughts?


Do I walk away after 15 years of marriage? In my opinion she has not left you with a better choice. I mean this is repeated things stacked on top of one another and she's not changing any. She's still filtering information and doing damage control. Really to me it's immensely disrespectful and thoughtless to take away your choice to accept the child or not. And it's not giving you much credit either. 

Will I regret it? This is my opinion and that's all. You will second guess to start out with. Once your emotions are not in the way though (which takes a while) and you have time to reflect on all of the wrongs here (and there are several) then you will have more self respect and will think more of yourself if you end it.

Can counseling really help? I think there is always a chance that counceling can help or hurt.

Is it even worth it? Thoughts? Again. From the outside looking in this looks grim. Not only did your cheat but then she would not come clean. Still that could be worked out but she also got pregnant. Whew that's a big enough problem but on top of that she still did not come clean. Ahhhh I don't know. This seems like a habit of doing what she want's to when she wants to and not caring anything about how if affects you. Letting you father someone elses biological child without you having an opportunity to make that choice was recent proof she's not changed. And the reason you think she still lies is that things did not add up because she lied and omitted information.




whoami2012 said:


> I guess I want to know other mens experiences in a situtation like this. I know its easy to say just leave, but its just not so easy. I would leave, leaving her the house and cars and business. I feel like hte babys father after 2 years of taking care of him.


You are right. It's very easy say leave but hard when you are the one doing it. If you have been seen as the father and will be supporting the child then you have parental rights. I hope you can get the cloud out of your eyes and realize what this woman has done to you.

If you leave the you should get a lawyer and fight for your part of any assets and you should fight for you right to be the childs father if you want to. 

Now you could pretend things are not what they and try to stay in this and work things out but please remember you did not make her do these things. You are the victim. She is not.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> Im so sorry and sad at the same time to hear your
> story. Does OM know?


No he is married and has a small daughter now. He is in a different country, so even prosecution isnt an option. Besides, date rape is really hard to prove and usually doesnt favor women.

I have contemplated telling him or his wife. But not sure what good it would do. no one should feel the pain I have, not even him. I am not looking for revenge, and thinking about this poor child I have not having a father, is heartbreaking. Every child deserves a father, even if the mother is at fault.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I also do not regret divorcing my serial cheating ex h either. Not at all.
> 
> I remarried and I could not be any happier!


Same here. I questioned it during but as time passed I was kind of embarrassed for questioning it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Call her bluff on the date rape. Tell her to prosecute him. Date rape is horrible. If she truly thought that's what happened she should have no trouble doing this.
> 
> Her backpedaling should tell you all you need to know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea call her bluff by saying I'm not an F...ing moron so don't even open your mouth if' that's what you're going to say. No way this is true. No way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

aug said:


> I find it hard to believe the claim of rape because:
> 1. she did not act like a married woman at the time;
> 2. she engaged in an EA, at the very least, while married;
> 3. she was not truthful about the sex /"rape" with the OM;
> ...


I simply find something that makes no sense and is clearly what a cheater would say to not be believable. It's that simple. Don't even give this topic legs by acting like you think it's possible.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Its easy to type "Leave her"


It's also easy to tell and abused woman to leave her abuser. It's hard to do but does not make the statement wrong. Your scenario is not a single issue. This is a pattern of you being treated like you do not matter. I'm really saying treat yourself with respect and I think leaving is the only way for that to be the case. If you can find some way to be a strong self respecting man and not leave then bravo to you. I could not find that solution in your shoes. 

Good luck though. I wish I were saying to work things out and giving you reasons why I think it might work.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> No he is married and has a small daughter now. He is in a different country, so even prosecution isnt an option. Besides, date rape is really hard to prove and usually doesnt favor women.
> 
> I have contemplated telling him or his wife. But not sure what good it would do. no one should feel the pain I have, not even him. I am not looking for revenge, and thinking about this poor child I have not having a father, is heartbreaking. Every child deserves a father, even if the mother is at fault.


And this child has a father, it's just not you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> Perhaps, I have worked for some of the largest companies in the world, doing just this. Gathering evidence. My poor wife thinking I could not figure this out. I cant imagine whats in her head everytime I ask a question, she answers, and I show her her own email or chat stating the opposite.
> 
> Its a shame though that a spouse who has put his life in to someone has to resort to this to understand betrayal.


effective strategy: only admit to what's discovered.

Now she knows your method, and if she wants to, she'll go more underground. Ex, burner phone.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> It's also easy to tell and abused woman to leave her abuser. It's hard to do but does not make the statement wrong. Your scenario is not a single issue. This is a pattern of you being treated like you do not matter. I'm really saying treat yourself with respect and I think leaving is the only way for that to be the case. If you can find some way to be a strong self respecting man and not leave then bravo to you. I could not find that solution in your shoes.
> 
> Good luck though. I wish I were saying to work things out and giving you reasons why I think it might work.


Yeah, I hear you. Thank you. I am really looking to see others thoughts because I know mine are clouded with emotion. 15 years of loving someone and finding out they really may just be using you is a real heartbreaker. 

She is integrated in to my business and my life so much that divorcing her isnt enough for me. I would want to break all ties and never see her or the child again. If i did, I would just try to make things work. So if I leave, I will give up my buisness I built for 15 years, leave my house to her and the kid, and just move several states away and start over. At 40, it just seems like I am giving up a lot for her mistake, but I would never, still would never, want to hurt her. She can figure it out after i leave.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

aug said:


> effective strategy: only admit to what's discovered.
> 
> Now she knows your method, and if she wants to, she'll go more underground. Ex, burner phone.


I will still catch it. But you are right, if she did it again, she will try harder. I have to figure out if she will or not and if this is out of her system or not, and if it was really rape. Imagine if it was, then I am going from the victim to the worst man in the world, right? Without her being honest from the start, its hard to ever know... Calling the OM probably will just lead him to say she came on to him and he obliged. Kind of predictable.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> I will still catch it. But you are right, if she did it again, she will try harder. I have to figure out if she will or not and if this is out of her system or not, and if it was really rape. Imagine if it was, then I am going from the victim to the worst man in the world, right? Without her being honest from the start, its hard to ever know... Calling the OM probably will just lead him to say she came on to him and he obliged. Kind of predictable.


Do rape victims continue contacting the rapist?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> No he is married and has a small daughter now. He is in a different country, so even prosecution isnt an option. Besides, date rape is really hard to prove and usually doesnt favor women.
> 
> I have contemplated telling him or his wife. But not sure what good it would do. no one should feel the pain I have, not even him. I am not looking for revenge, and thinking about this poor child I have not having a father, is heartbreaking. * Every child deserves a father*, even if the mother is at fault.


Yes, that's true. 

The reality of the situation is that you are not the biological father.

But if you want to be the father, I dont think your wife or the other man would stop you.

In any event, since honesty is important, you'll need to tell the child at some point that you're not her biological father.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

aug said:


> Yes, that's true.
> 
> The reality of the situation is that you are not the biological father.
> 
> ...


Ahh, the next convo. So I decide to somehow deal with this and move forward. I spoke with her about this. She is against telling the child anything. I on the other hand think is so obvious that at some point, we should. If the child asks me, I will not lie to them. I will be the childs father, just not the biological father. At what age would you even have that discussion?

I can only imagine the follow up, who is my father then? Does the child seek out their real father? What happens when he finds out?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> I have to figure out if she will or not and if this is out of her system or not, and if it was really rape.


You can only control you. And you'll never know if it's out of her system. Do you really believe that she was raped? Really?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The rape this is bull, you know. The problem is to make her understand you have to deal with it for real; no more lies, minimizing, faking rape. She new the child was probable his. Why she did it?
Did you ever go to MC, did she get IC, did she read books about fixing what she broke? It seems you guys just rugsweeped it, that's why one year down the road you are so stuck.

Another thing is, people here are talking about problale legal nad financial issues but nobody asked you wheter you love the child. You already bonded for 1'5 years before the DNA test came in. Has changed your feelings and behaviors towards him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Do rape victims continue contacting the rapist?


In some cases, under some circumstances, they do.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I will still catch it. But you are right, if she did it again, she will try harder. I have to figure out if she will or not and if this is out of her system or not, and if it was really rape. Imagine if it was, then I am going from the victim to the worst man in the world, right? Without her being honest from the start, its hard to ever know... Calling the OM probably will just lead him to say she came on to him and he obliged. Kind of predictable.


You have to know in your heart that they had sex more than just one time. It sounds like an on-going PA. He bailed when she got pregnant. She still wanted him - she contacted him several times after the so called "end" to attempt to get him to take her and their child and start over together.

The "rape" scenario is a total pile of BS. She obviously could not tell you the truth which is probably "We had wet and wild sex for the entire time we were together. It was thrilling, exciting and just what I wanted. But when I got pregnant, he panicked and ran. I tried to get him to reconsider a couple of times after I told him about the child but he dumped me. " 

Now she is in survival mode for her and her child. You are the second choice. The only option she has. There is no love for you. Your marriage has been a lie from the first time she met him. She will never love you like she did (and probably still does) him.

The choice is yours. I know intertwined financials/business make it difficult. But is staying with her worth the pain of knowing she shamelessly betrayed your love and heartlessly tried to trick you into raising her "love child" as your own? You can be sure you still do not know the entire truth and probably never will - she is still showing you no love and no respect. Still admitting only to what you can prove, still trying trick and fool you.

You Sir, have some hard decisions to make. The only advice I can give is do what is best for you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

ShootMePlz! said:


> So even if you want to raise the baby as your own and not tell anyone it will be obvious by looking at the baby that he/she is not yours biologically.


I don't think this is true.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

I am not in your situation and I already posted early on that I would leave, but I will go off on a really far limb and say that any marriage is salvageable just as much as it is dissolved. Salvageable if both parties are willing to dedicate to the marriage once again and the cheater realizes grave error, shows remorse, changes, dedicates to the marriage from there on after because infidelity changes a marriage forever whether its D or R. Divorce is tough too just like R but only requires a spouse, usually the BS, to decide when enough is enough with their current spouse.

We all know the child is innocent, but most of us know that we sometimes end up paying for our parents, grandparents, mistakes for time to come. For whatever you decide, it is solely up to you to decide, no one will force you, not the child, not its mother, not your parents, not even GOD (if marriage is for life). No one will force you, sometimes you may feel like you want someone to tell you what to do but it all comes down to this being your decision and whatever reasoning you find enough to justify your decision.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

I just want to clarify, she is claiming date rape, not rape. Date rape is by someone you know, and in this case, someone she was having an EA with. He may have just taken it to the next step, I dont know.

Do I love the child? Yes. After thining it was mine for a year and a half, you just dont turn that off. Do I want to see anyone suffer, no. She made her bed, and I have to lie in it unless I leave. Is it worth giving up 15 years, a business, my life, etc for her? I dont think so, but I do know that if I leave, I want a fresh clean slate and a new life.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Actually this thread reminded me something my friend told me once. His cousin(a scumbag) was secretly meeting a woman who was engaged and is about to get married. The woman actually told the cousin that they will meet after her marriage a few more times so that she can have his child as a memory

OP, based on how you are reacting to the situation, no wonders she thought she could get away with doing that. The date rape claim is a lie. And it is a huge disservice to all the women who are actually raped. You should be extremely wary of a woman who can/will use a rape claim to escape an allegation. 

And if you think you have all the information based on her mail, you are gravely mistaken. This woman is much smarter than you. She even fooled you about the kids features. You don't know what she said to him in person or what she whispered into his ear after they had sex.(Sorry for the image). 

And regarding the kid, adopt one. 



> Its easy to type "Leave her" but its not so easy to do when you have been married for 15
> years


Please read about Sunk cost fallacy. What do you think the alternative is?



> Then people kept making the comments about how the child did not look anything like me. She laughed it off saying her genes were stronger.


This is one evil woman. WTF dude!!! She even knew


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

I cannot speak for the OP but I can for myself here. If I was in your shoes and found out that my wife not only had an affair, but had his kid while having me believe that the child was mine, I'd run out the door so fast that my vapor trails would still be floating around the house. I don't care how long I was married, what finances were mixed together; I utterly refuse to live in a home where I have to see a daily reminder of my wife's affair and be obligated to pay for it. NO EFFIN WAY. 

However, you might have waited too late because in some states, you only have a certain amount of time to prove paternity. Afterwards, the courts automatically assume that the husband is the father and makes him responsible for the upbringing of the child, no matter how many DNA test results you bring to the courthouse.

God bless you for having that kind of tolerance to try to make things work because I know that I couldn't. I would've given her the big boot like Hogan...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

whoami2012:

first, I just want to say, that to you and the other forum members who are (apparently) choosing to raise another man's child, I fully support you. Many of the male forum members (I don't think I've seen a female one say this, but please correct me if so) cannot stand the thought of this, and often recommend abandoning a child who has never known another dad. But, it seems that many men do get attached to these children, and if you have it in you to be a good and loving father to them, I say go for it. At least they will have one stable, loving, mature adult in their lives.

--------------

On the date rape subject: I'm sorry to say, but the chances that it was date rape are very slim, and I sincerely hope you are NOT clinging to this theory to feel better about the whole situation. Here is where it's useful to understand the "cheater's script." Cheaters always start with a lie that minimizes the situation the MOST. As far as they think you will believe. If you buy that, then there's no need to lie any more, you were snowed, and that's that. So, CLASSIC line from the cheater's script is, we just kissed. Once. IF you don't buy this, it goes on from there.

Now, she had a baby. So she can't use the line, "we just kissed once," obviously. But she can use a close cousin used by MANY cheaters, "we only had sex once." But again, she GOT PREGNANT. And although yes, it is of course possible to conceive by only having sex once...the odds are not very good in that regard. AND, when coupled with the fact that cheaters invariably TRY to say they only had sex once, as a matter of course, then it really isn't looking good that they just had sex once.

So, she had to come up with something else, and that was, he date raped me. Now, date rape IS rape, all she's saying by date rape is, yes, I got into a compromising position that looks really bad. That is to cover the fact that they had sex somewhere like a bedroom or a motel, so that if you find that out, you won't instantly disbelieve the rape story.

Now, the last thing I want to do is call a woman who says she was raped a liar. BUT, if *I* were going to lie to my husband about how I managed to have a child that wasn't his, and I wanted to make sure and minimize how often I had sex, and I wanted to explain why I didn't TELL MY HUSBAND I WAS RAPED and why I didn't CALL THE POLICE, well this little story would do the trick.

*Most of the time I don't advocate polygraphs, because their usefulness is so limited. But in this case, if you are basing any choices to reconcile and it's hinging on the date rape story, I strongly, strongly recommend one.*


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> Ahh, the next convo. So I decide to somehow deal with this and move forward. I spoke with her about this. She is against telling the child anything. I on the other hand think is so obvious that at some point, we should. If the child asks me, I will not lie to them. I will be the childs father, just not the biological father.* At what age would you even have that discussion?*
> 
> I can only imagine the follow up, who is my father then? Does the child seek out their real father? What happens when he finds out?



I would think as young as possible. This way the child is young enough to resolve any issues and has more time to adjust to the situation.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> whoami2012:
> 
> first, I just want to say, that to you and the other forum members who are (apparently) choosing to raise another man's child, I fully support you. Many of the male forum members (I don't think I've seen a female one say this, but please correct me if so) cannot stand the thought of this, and often recommend abandoning a child who has never known another dad. But, it seems that many men do get attached to these children, and if you have it in you to be a good and loving father to them, I say go for it. At least they will have one stable, loving, mature adult in their lives.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. I actually looked up lie detector tests, and they do do infidelity questions. I was actually thinking of going this route. But I am more concerned if this would be enough for me. I am basing all of this on the thought that she was date raped. If she wasnt, then this is really a sad day for me. So I take her to a lie detector test and she passes, then what? She fails, then what? Those are the questions I need to answer before going.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I just want to clarify, she is claiming date rape, not rape. Date rape is by someone you know, and in this case, someone she was having an EA with. He may have just taken it to the next step, I dont know.
> 
> Do I love the child? Yes. After thining it was mine for a year and a half, you just dont turn that off. Do I want to see anyone suffer, no. She made her bed, and I have to lie in it unless I leave.* Is it worth giving up 15 years, a business, my life, etc for her? I dont think so, but I do know that if I leave, I want a fresh clean slate and a new life.*



Have you consulted an aggressive lawyer? Let the lawyer tell you what the norm is. 

I dont see why you would give up your house, business, etc to your wife without a fight. I dont see why you would reward her poor behavior and boundaries.

It does feel from your posts that you are willing to stay with someone who will/can cheat on you.

You know she needs consequences, otherwise you're complicit in her affair. 

No serious consequences for her could mean:
- she will do it again
- as you get older (and wiser hopefully) you will resent yourself for being weak
- you may slowly die inside and give up on the marriage


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Dude only you would want to do a poly when the answer is starring at you in the flesh.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

I would give it up because I dont want anything associated with this life. I would give it all up to start fresh somewhere else. And ot be honest, when I lost her, and my child since I found out what I had wasnt mine, none of that really matters to me. 

YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> I would give it up because I dont want anything associated with this life. I would give it all up to start fresh somewhere else. And ot be honest, when I lost her, and my child since I found out what I had wasnt mine, none of that really matters to me.
> 
> YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?


I would do the polygraph. Here is how the advice typically goes:

ask her if she'll take a polygraph. If she says no--you have your answer.

If she says yes, get as close to a promise as you can that she'll attend. Then you hire the test giver. Work with them on the questions because they know how to design the questions to elicit the answer you seek.

Set up a test date. DO NOT tell her when it is.

In the parking lot about 1/2 hour before the test, you ask her if there's anything that she isn't telling you. Many, many times liars will come clean at this point because they are terrified of being ratted out by the test. It's obviously not 100% accurate, but it often works.

Then she goes in and takes the test.


Here is why you want to know the truth: if she is lying about something this serious, if she is committing this level of a betrayal, you really need to know, because what it means is that she's a very damaged person who is going to require lots, and lots, and lots of therapy to understand why she'd go and do something as stupid and selfish as this. Not a couple of sessions and then she's 'cured.' No, probably 9 months to a year, and probably at the start, 2x a week. 

This is not "my dad died, I'm so sad," or "I wanted to be a doctor but I can't pass organic chemistry" or "my fiance backed out at the last minute and married his old girlfriend" This is deliberately choosing to lie in a very grave manner to her own child, passing off another man as his father. And now--possibly lying about how he was conceived and _possibly_ _besmirching the name of an innocent man_ with a cry of rape. She blew this up into something much, much bigger than "I had an affair."


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> I would give it up because I dont want anything associated with this life. I would give it all up to start fresh somewhere else. And ot be honest, when I lost her, and my child since I found out what I had wasnt mine, none of that really matters to me.
> 
> YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So *whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?*


Everyone carries baggage with them into a relationship. But it's what you do with the baggage that matters. Do you let it affect you and your relationship or are you in control of it? 

The difference between your WW and someone new is that you (hopefully) enter the new relationship with someone who is more _mature_--relationship-wise--than your wife. Someone who doesn't seek validation outside of the marriage. Someone who is honest and trustworthy. 

Is your wife honestly any of those things? Will she ever be? 

She could have told you about the paternity and then given YOU a CHOICE on whether to stay. But she did not. She could have come clean early on about her feelings and where your relationship was headed before having a EA/PA with posOM. But she did not. She could have done something other than cheating (e.g., IC/MC, read self-help boooks) if she truly wanted your marriage to work after so many years. But she did not. 

I'm sure there are other things you can add to this list that she did not do...

Also, what do YOU want? Are you in IC?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> Lesson to all women who are reading this, please be honest. It may hurt more but at least we would know where we stand.


My cousin is a homicide detective in a large city. She's told me that she's dealt with two cases where a family eliminator did it because he found out his wife had done this to him. 

Don't do it to a man because he might just kill you and your kids.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> I find it crazy that the people on this site tell you to leave like they do when they tell other people how to work it out. The difference here is that your situation resulted in a child, an innocent in all of this remember.
> It's like a terrible double standard that even the women here are putting forth...but I digress.


As a woman, you simply can't comprehend the difference. It is simply not possible for you to understand the betrayal of making a man think a child is his because as a woman it can't happen to you.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I will still catch it. But you are right, if she did it again, she will try harder. I have to figure out if she will or not and if this is out of her system or not, and if it was really rape. *Imagine if it was, then I am going from the victim to the worst man in the world, right? * Without her being honest from the start, its hard to ever know... Calling the OM probably will just lead him to say she came on to him and he obliged. Kind of predictable.


She still had an EA.

If it was rape she could have gone plan B if she didn't want to tell you.

She still knew that this kid might not be yours and tricked you into thinking it was.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> *I would give it up because I dont want anything associated with this life. I would give it all up to start fresh somewhere else. And ot be honest, when I lost her, and my child since I found out what I had wasnt mine, none of that really matters to me.
> *
> YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?


So, a year out after your discovery, you are still in turmoil. Do you think this turmoil will go away if you decide to stay with your wife and her lover's son? 

How much of your life do you want to spend dealing with this matter?

You're about 40. If you stay and still regret this 10 years later, your chances of a new family with a child that is really yours diminishes greatly. 

Also, if you stay with your wife what are your chances of having a child that's yours? Didn't you tried for several years to have a child? Why would you want to bring your child (if you have one with her, keeping in mind perimenopause coming soon) into this broken marriage and growing up troubled?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Also I assume the OM is Indian also. So the child is 100% Indian. He grows up looking 100% Indian. Eventually everybody, even the child, would know.

You are white. Your child should have that exotic mix look. That aint there in the child. The gossip would continue to circulate (if not already). How do you think people would look at you? Especially since you refuse to expose.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I would give it up because I dont want anything associated with this life. I would give it all up to start fresh somewhere else. And ot be honest, when I lost her, and my child since I found out what I had wasnt mine, none of that really matters to me.
> 
> YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?


What lesson has she learned? It seems like she deliberately had her lovers child, he dumped her, and your stuck paying the bills for the next 18 years. I all seems to have worked out for her so far. So why wouldn't she do it again?

You said you'd been trying to have another child - sounds like she doesn't get pregnant that easily - so do you really believe she got pregnant being with him only once?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?



I don't know what lesson are asking about. I'd say she's learned to be on birth control maybe.


The first difference is that you would not be fooled into raising your step children as your own. This would be your choice to make. Another difference is that hopefully you would choose someone who you thought was trustworthy, loyal, and generally a good person. The third difference is that your step children would not be reminders of a terrible betrayal and continued deceit.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> As a woman, you simply can't comprehend the difference. It is simply not possible for you to understand the betrayal of making a man think a child is his because as a woman it can't happen to you.


I agree with this. It's like me (as a man) talking about child birth. It's like someone who can never be cheated on coming on this forum and knowing how it feels.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What lesson has she learned? It seems like she deliberately had her lovers child, he dumped her, and your stuck paying the bills for the next 18 years. I all seems to have worked out for her so far. So why wouldn't she do it again?
> 
> You said you'd been trying to have another child - sounds like she doesn't get pregnant that easily - so do you really believe she got pregnant being with him only once?


No kidding. This is really really obvious if you can figure out how to get denial and wishful thinking out of the way. 

There is another post I've been watching and commented a few times on where a girl cheated on her husband. You will see that I'm rooting for reconciliation there but I can not say I think you should.

PLEASE LOOK AT THIS THREAD IF YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT A CHEATING SPOUSE SHOULD BE SAYING
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52532-i-cheated-my-husband-left.html


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> You must ask yourself the same question. Do you love her enough to work toward a better relationship? Enough to make changes in your life and I mean difficult changes?


I still contend that "whoami" loves who he has pictured his wife to be. I don't think he's letting her actions change his definition.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> Ahh, the next convo. So I decide to somehow deal with this and move forward. I spoke with her about this. She is against telling the child anything. I on the other hand think is so obvious that at some point, we should. If the child asks me, I will not lie to them. I will be the childs father, just not the biological father. At what age would you even have that discussion?
> 
> I can only imagine the follow up, who is my father then? Does the child seek out their real father? What happens when he finds out?


I'd say tell the kid when it's as young as possible. Integrate it into his psyche when it's not so hard to understand. Waiting until they are 'old enough to understand' is going to send them off the deep end. Imagine the last 10-15 years of your life being a lie.. oh wait... you don't have to imagine that.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not going to say whether you should stay or leave. I'll let other people tell you, someone that is in emotional turmoil, what you should do with your life. I'll let them work you up and convince you that you should go one way or the other when they have sympathy/empathy for you but have no skin in your 'game'.

Many of the BS on the site are further along in this process than you are; some have healed, some have not and nearly all of them trigger at the mere thought of infidelity.

What I will do is ask some questions.


Why can you not move past the hurt and anger?
If it's possible, what would it take from your WW to help you move past the turmoil?
Do you want to help raise this child? (you've answered yes)
Why do you want to help raise this child?
What is your motivation behind not wanting to tell the child of his parentage? Who would you be protecting with that lie; your embarrassment, your W's embarrassment or the child's psyche? What do you fear that would prompt you to tell that lie? Do you fear that you would lose it's love? Use your judgement as parent to answer this question and the answer will become clear to you.

A few things.

First - Why did she lie? Because she's scared sh1tless and she will continue to lie until you remove the impetus to lie or the opportunity to lie. Removing the opportunity is much easier because you can employ many tactics; polygraph, threaten to sue the date raper, etc. Removing the impetus to lie (the fear) is less damaging to you both as a whole but it means you are going to get lied to for a while as she becomes more comfortable in divulging the truth. "Hammer vs Carrot".

Remember those grade 2 lectures that we used to get? "Once you start lying, it becomes difficult to stop and you end up telling more lies". Most people when faced with situations like this, especially people that avoid conflict, will lie. It's human nature. That doesn't make it right by many moral standards, but it is just what people do.

Second - answer the questions above to yourself. I guess the question is, is there the possibility of you being a father to the child?

Right now you seem to be torn between leaving and the guilt of leaving. That's pretty natural. The pain pushes you away but the guilt and love holds you there. Whether you leave or not is entirely up to you. If I have any advice, it would be that you take the time that you need to come to the decision that you will not regret. 

And though this will be the hardest thing you will ever do, ask yourself "What do I want?" You will know the answer instantly, though you will try to convince yourself out of it.

STOP!

Write down what you want at the top of a page. And every time you say "but", write that down too.

Now look at your list. For all of the 'but's that are on your list, try to think outside of the box to satisfy them while still getting what you want.

Think outside of the box; how can you get what you want?


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh yeah... and I will recommend that you both get some individual counseling (IC). Some joint sessions with her would do well too, at the beginning, so that you could help set the stage for her counseling. Give her counselor something to work with, like how much pain she has caused you, what it has done to you, etc.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TCx said:


> threaten to sue the date raper, etc.


I agree with this idea. First of all, if your wife WAS raped, what a horrible thing she endured. Horrible. And if she was raped, she was apparently too ashamed to tell you, perhaps for cultural reasons, perhaps for fear that you wouldn't believe her, for fear you'd divorce her. Rape is very hard to prove in a criminal court, especially when time has passed; but a civil suit for assault carries a different standard of proof. So you wouldn't have to prove 'guilty beyond a reasonable doubt,' but rather preponderance of the evidence. This is how Nicole Simpson's family recovered $$ from OJ even though he was found not guilty in a criminal trial.

You would have to file a police report to pursue a civil suit. That's because it's a criminal act and doubt would be cast on the case if you didn't. And if you're discouraged from doing that because you're sure it wouldn't be pursued by a prosecutor, that's ok, still get a report on file because if this man is a serial rapist, they need to start forming a record so that the next time this happens there will be more evidence to convict him.

Now, as I've already said, I'm skeptical that it was date rape at all. But, if you are going to take her seriously, if you are going to believe her, then act as you would if your wife informed you of rape, period. Surely, you would be outraged. Surely, you would want that man's head on a pike. Surely, you'd tell the police and see what kind of monetary damages you could get if you were to sue him. And surely, you'd discuss this with your wife, and then out of concern for her safety, pursue a case.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

And all this reminds me--how much have you researched the OM? You just might turn up a criminal record. It might not shed any light on the truth or falsity of her claims, but then again, you never know.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> And all this reminds me--how much have you researched the OM? You just might turn up a criminal record. It might not shed any light on the truth or falsity of her claims, but then again, you never know.


Actually, he is known as a nice guy by other women, but family has a history of taking what they want, above the law in a certain way. So to be honest, I could see him drugging to get what he wanted.

It happened in another country, and he lives there. She was visiting family and went to his place to tell him she didnt want to continue seeing him anymore. It could be possible he didnt want it to end so he drugged her.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

aug said:


> Have you consulted an aggressive lawyer? Let the lawyer tell you what the norm is.
> 
> I dont see why you would give up your house, business, etc to your wife without a fight. I dont see why you would reward her poor behavior and boundaries.


My thoughts as well. Worse thing is house and or businees gets sold and proceeds split. Or one gets the house one the business, etc.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Actually, he is known as a nice guy by other women, but family has a history of taking what they want, above the law in a certain way. So to be honest, I could see him drugging to get what he wanted.
> 
> It happened in another country, and he lives there. She was visiting family and went to his place to tell him she didnt want to continue seeing him anymore. It could be possible he didnt want it to end so he drugged her.


Has your wife elaborated on why she didn't tell you this at the time, or as soon as she returned to the U.S.?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Actually, he is known as a nice guy by other women, but family has a history of taking what they want, above the law in a certain way. So to be honest, I could see him drugging to get what he wanted.
> 
> It happened in another country, and he lives there. She was visiting family and went to his place to tell him she didnt want to continue seeing him anymore. It could be possible he didnt want it to end so he drugged her.


Stop spinning fairy tales first date rape, now OM drugged WW. What's next.

Face it your WW freely let the OM have sex with her without protection. She freely hid the fact that the child was not yours.

She lied, cheated, committed fraud.

I don't see how a BH could want to stay with this WW. You have not had any children with her. Hire a good lawyer to straighten out the money end then find a good woman.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> It happened in another country, and he lives there. She was visiting family and went to his place to tell him she didnt want to continue seeing him anymore. It could be possible *he didnt want it to end* so he drugged her.



Didnt want what to end? The continuing EA or the continuing PA?

I dont understand why he would want the EA to continue, especially since she was already married to you. PA for the continuing sex he was getting? 

Anyways, sounds like the OM is from a rich family. There are tons of girls available to him in India.


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## Izzie (Aug 17, 2012)

theroad said:


> Stop spinning fairy tales first date rape, now OM drugged WW. What's next.
> 
> Face it your WW freely let the OM have sex with her without protection. She freely hid the fact that the child was not yours.
> 
> ...


^^^^ Couldn't have said it better. I think right now your self-esteem is down so you, to some degree, feel like you deserve this sort of treatment. You are at your lowest point in life and you just want to feel better. If you leave your wife and your baby, it will be difficult and hurt like hell at first. But if you find a real woman, one who loves you and respects you with all of her heart, and you all make a child together, one that is biologically yours, you will be kicking yourself for staying with your wife as long as you did. Divorce is scary but you will NEVER be 100% happy in this marriage. You will ALWAYS hold some degree of resentment, anger, mistrust...

I think you need to believe this "rape" story in order to deal. Let's say she was date raped, then why would she contact him again after that? Let's be totally real here. She probably wanted to sleep with him one last time for "closure". Or she went to him, he slept with her and then dumped her. That is a much more likely story.

Like someone else said on this thread, cheaters are selfish and are liars. She cheated on you, had sex with him, and lied to you about being the father of your baby. She would say anything to you to keep you around. Who wants to be a single mom? So her lying about 'not knowing how she had sex with him' sounds like another bullsh** lie. :sleeping:


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Ouch! I don't think I could get past it. Looking at the child, knowing that he Is the product of infidelity.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> I would give it up because I dont want anything associated with this life. I would give it all up to start fresh somewhere else. And ot be honest, when I lost her, and my child since I found out what I had wasnt mine, none of that really matters to me.
> 
> YOu are right about the consequences part. Will she do it again? Or has she learned her lesson? So I divorce, find a new person start all over. Lets say the new person has a child from a previous divorce? She has baggage as well. So whats the difference of trying to fix what I have or trading it up for the same make and model but in a different color?


Yeah but maybe the next one won't be a lemon.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

There's substantial damage to the marriage already. The resentment and disappointment will be forever and very unlikely to go away.

There's no way to hide your wife's infidelity. The evidence is there for all to see. They are already questioning this by pointing out the lack of "whiteness" in the child. The rumor and gossip will continue in the future behind your back. 

Eventually even your immediate family like your parents will question it to your face.

Eventually the boy himself will want to find his biological father.

I know of a situation where the mother is white, father black, and the child is all white. It's so obvious. The mother's mom is going around asking if there's a way to prove paternity.

This is a situation where you cant really hide. I believe you need to face this head-on in order to have a better future.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

OP I understand your pain here. My wife is pregnant and she cheated around her date on conception. She has told me that the kid is undoubtedly mine, but I dont remember in anatomy class how her having sex with someone else during her ovulation cycle could result in me getting her pregnant. Either way, Im in the process of getting a paternity test done. If the child is mine, I will love the child regardless, her and I will probably not stay together though. If the child is not mine, I'll never see her, or the child as long as I live. Now your situation, I dont think I could deal with it, even the possibility that her pregnancy could result in a baby being born to the OM has me furious, I dont know what would happen if she got pregnant by him and gave birth and never told me. I dont think I could stay, regardless of how attached to the child I was. Good luck in your situation though and please remember through it all that its not the kids fault.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> OP I understand your pain here. My wife is pregnant and she cheated around her date on conception. She has told me that the kid is undoubtedly mine, but I dont remember in anatomy class how her having sex with someone else during her ovulation cycle could result in me getting her pregnant. Either way, Im in the process of getting a paternity test done. If the child is mine, I will love the child regardless, her and I will probably not stay together though. If the child is not mine, I'll never see her, or the child as long as I live. Now your situation, I dont think I could deal with it, even the possibility that her pregnancy could result in a baby being born to the OM has me furious, I dont know what would happen if she got pregnant by him and gave birth and never told me. I dont think I could stay, regardless of how attached to the child I was. Good luck in your situation though and please remember through it all that its not the kids fault.


Leaving the child is the hard part. I think if she just cheated, we could try counseling. But to say goodbye to a child I thought was mine for almost 2 years, thats another story.

I decided to give her one last chance to come clean and no more lies. To tell the story the way it really went down. After I hear it, I will then take a little time, try to wipe the emotions away, and decided if this is something I want to try and salvage.

The child is the innocent one here. He will need a father. At 41, the chances of having another are dissappearing. Just because leaving is an option doesnt mean its the best or only option. Of course I do read that many of yo uwent through something similar and made the decision to leave to save the pain and suffering. Its human nature to run away from things that hurt us. That would make the most sense to us. 

I will also probably use a lie detector after her story, and confirm she is now committing to making it right.

I will keep you all posted here of what happens.

Thank you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I will also probably use a lie detector after her story, and confirm she is now committing to making it right.


Tell her in advance about the polygraph to back up her story.
Maybe she would be more truthful if she does it by writing the story. Tell her to get a calendar, her journals, the photo albums, whatever she needs to jab her memory and start writing first a timeline; when, what, who, where, how, just facts. Then she can start filling it with the full story, the development her thoughts, her feelings, her fears, her motivations back then, after the pregnancy, after giving birth. Tell her she's not to decide what you can handle, you deserves no more than the truth, radical honesty. Tell her to be honest with herself, to avoid the huges lies she's selling herself for so long in order to protect herself. Tell her the story doesn't add up, doesn't make sense at all, you are fully aware about it and you can't have any kind of meaningful relationship with secrets and half truths. Google Josesph letter, rewrite it to your adventage and tell her you need all the pieces of the puzzle.
Tell her she needs to open up to the fullest. Tell her to forget about the possible outcome and focus in honesty. Be form about it but calm, make it "safe" for her to give you a full disclosure. Tell her you know it's hard and scary but it needs to be done. Give her a few days to compose her story.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

whoami2012 said:


> I will also probably use a lie detector after her story, and confirm she is now committing to making it right.


Nice one. You have chosen a path forward that works for you. Question though, what if she does lie again and you catch her at it? Are you really gone or can she build a bridge back?

Don't threaten to do something if you won't carry through with it. If you do then it presents you as someone whose ultimatums can be ignored or manipulated out of.

Rather than give her the 'polygraph is coming' speech, why not give her the,

_"I need you to tell me the truth, no matter how hard it is. I'm really sorry but I can only give you this one chance and I will find out if you are lying eventually. If you have been telling me the truth then I sincerely apologize for putting you through this but please understand that you have lied to me in the past and I no longer know what to believe. I need this to trust you.

If you have lied to me then I forgive you. I understand that once you start lying it's hard to stop; especially when it's to someone that you love. If you find that you can't tell me the truth, then please just stop; I will understand.

Instead, write it down. Sometimes people find it easier to write difficult things on paper, so that they don't have to look someone in the eyes when they tell them the truth. That's okay too. What I am interested in is the truth and nothing else. You have to come clean with me if we have any chance of staying together."_

Attach 'telling the truth' to 'a chance of staying together'; it's the carrot. And by reinforcing that you will find out if she lies eventually, it puts that doubt in her mind about whether she should like.

Confessing to a lie is hard; especially such a big one. If you are after the truth, you have to give her an out; some way to make it easier for her to do so.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Leaving the child is the hard part. I think if she just cheated, we could try counseling. But to say goodbye to a child I thought was mine for almost 2 years, thats another story.
> 
> I decided to give her one last chance to come clean and no more lies. To tell the story the way it really went down. After I hear it, I will then take a little time, try to wipe the emotions away, and decided if this is something I want to try and salvage.
> 
> ...


True, but theres a whole bunch of landmines. You two will most likely split. 

If she and OM both want rights to their child, where will that leave you? 

Someones gonna get shafted, and unfortunately its not gonna be the 2 people who share DNA with the kid. 

Its tough, but would you have the child ripped from you when the kid is 5,6 years old? That will be unimaginably painful. 

If you choose to remain the father then your cheating wife and the man who ruined your family will be part of your life until the day you die. 

Also keep in mind that if OM and you WW get in a relationship and demand custody they're gonna get it, don't kid yourself on that. 

1 parent demanding rights to their child from the non biological parent(s) almost always gets split custody(if not full custody)

Both parents wanting custody?, mothers been in life since birth?(can't use absentee card), and stable home?

The judge won't even have to think for more than a few seconds. 

Also 41 is not old, you're still in the game. In fact, the touch of gray early-mid 40s period is the beat-women-off-with-a-stick period for many men. 

Theres still time for you to meet a good woman, settle down, and have a child that has your blood running through his/her veins and shares your features.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

aug said:


> There's no way to hide your wife's infidelity. The evidence is there for all to see. They are already questioning this by pointing out the lack of "whiteness" in the child. The rumor and gossip will continue in the future behind your back.


Ive thought about this. And what if we had a child, the two of them would look sooo different. what would others say? 

My response, I dont care what others say. Its my life and if I lived it by what others thought and said, I would be the most shallowist person in the world.

I make my own decisions and if those people dont like it, tough.

 I have put a lot of thought in this though, and that is my true feelings. Of course this only applies if I stay with her.


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## TCx (Dec 15, 2011)

Kasler said:


> Also 41 is not old, you're still in the game. In fact, the touch of gray early-mid 40s period is the beat-women-off-with-a-stick period for many men.


Yeah because the women are looking for stable houses within which to raise children.

I will never understand women. I am just shy of 40, solidly built but not thin or even particularly good looking. But I was just sitting in the park reading my kindle two weeks ago when a couple of 21 yo's sat next to me on the bench and started hitting on me so hard that they almost left bruises. I almost tripped over myself trying to get out of there. 

There have been several others that proactively showed interest in me too. And i used to flirt with them, before I decided that 'flirting is bad' (I used to think that flirting is harmless... man was I wrong).

I'm not going to lie; it's a good ego boost but seriously? I'm old enough to be some of these girl's dad (granted, only if it were a teen pregnancy, but still)!!!!! 

Having said that, it was pretty clear that they weren't interested in my "winning personality"... actually, short of a hookup, I'm sure that any 30/40-something would have done.

But I have several colleagues who've found long term love after their divorces (and in their early 40s). One thing that seems to be a common theme among divorcees, at least in my circle, is that it takes about 5 years to recover, financially, from a D and at least 1-2 years, emotionally.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why are you willing to settle for so less ? just for the kid? You can still be a good presence/parent even when you are divorced. And divorce when he is 2 is the best time that it can happen(instead when he is growing up and maturing)


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> Ive thought about this. And what if we had a child, the two of them would look sooo different. what would others say?
> 
> My response, I dont care what others say. Its my life and if I lived it by what others thought and said, I would be the most shallowist person in the world.
> 
> ...


Please remember most posters are saying what they believe to be true and in no way wants to screw you over. Obviously some comments will be jaded from past experience but there are some really wise people on here.


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## whoami2012 (Aug 18, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Why are you willing to settle for so less ? just for the kid? You can still be a good presence/parent even when you are divorced. And divorce when he is 2 is the best time that it can happen(instead when he is growing up and maturing)


I dont want to be around after divorce. I couldnt handle it. And if I am going to be a father, then I will just stay married. Why seperate and then still get together. Too many memories, experiences and etc. Im just being honest with myself.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I don't get the dicussion about the look of this kid. Is not your wife also from India? Why poeple would imagine you are not the father? Why a potential little brother would imagine you are not also his father?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whoami2012 said:


> I dont want to be around after divorce. I couldnt handle it. And if I am going to be a father, then I will just stay married. Why seperate and then still get together. Too many memories, experiences and etc. Im just being honest with myself.


First is whether you make it work or not just don't fool yourself. If you want to work it out the fine but I think you are in serious denial. Again work it out with your eyes wide open. If you can accept what you think based on logical evaluation then that is your choice. If you pull the wool over your own eyes then your asking for a repeat emotional crisis the next time. Yes my opinion is there will be next times but what do I know.

You are obviously entitled to make your own decision. I think throughout the thread you have really been trying to find reasons for this to work.

- I didn't WANT to be around either but I did it for my kids. (if you choose to be this childs father that is).
- I could not stay married because I knew she would cheat again so it was not an option. Some people stay in it I suppose but I don't know how they feel.
- What does separate and still get together have to do with co-raising a child? Nothing.


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