# Has anyone else reflected on the reasons why they stayed for so long in a bad...



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

situation, if you were in an abusive marriage?

I was writing a short story for a class, entitled "Three Men, Two Bikes, One River." and I had thought it would have some kind of resolution at the end... then I got to a certain point in the story and I realized it had an entirely different ending. That made more sense. And is funny in a way, but also not very funny as in light and amusing, but darkly hilarious, now that I'm so far away from where I was.

The thing is, I finished therapy but I was never told about any kind of diagnosis that I might have had. Oh, I thought about different diagnoses, but none of them really seemed to fit. So after writing the short story (based on real life, why write about anything other than what you know, authentically) I realized that I am most likely now a recovered masochist. Someone had posted the definition somewhere online, not related to me, and it just gave me a jolt, together with the short story I'd written. 

I wonder if anyone else who stayed too long in a bad relationship or has had a series of bad relationship might look at the definition of this and think, not in a million years would I have thought that about myself. But now that I'm doing good things for myself and am able to recognize and reject bad relationships as undesirable and unworthy of me, be alarmed rather than intrigued by red flags, appreciate the qualities of my best guy friend, etc. I can look at the description and say, yep, that was me.

Leaves me shaking my head. I am going to ask my psych nurse when I go in for a checkup at the end of the month. 

I think my ability to accept this about myself is because I've done so many good things for myself...since my divorce, cultivating good friendships, enjoying things I like to do, rejecting bad job offers while pursuing good research work even if it's not the economically most efficient thing to do, pursuing my dream of going to Mongolia, going to workshops and conferences I'm interested in, really enjoying the process of my education. I notice that I can look people in the eye and smile and it comes naturally. Kids are once again naturally attracted to me, I have a girl-day planned with my neighbor. When I see or feel that others around me are having emotional issues, I don't try to get involved or to solve them, I steer clear and let them own their own passive-aggressive or bipolar issues, and let it pass and don't try to get in the crossfire. I reject dates or suggestions of dates I really don't think will be fun. 

To be honest, at one point I was going to a certain ballroom dance practice party in order to deliberately get manhandled by the creepy guys on the dance floor, in order to learn how to handle them. I figured I needed to learn how to stick up for myself. But one thing about this experience/experiment, which lasted for a couple months, was that I got my fill of it, and the few last guys I dated, I became absolutely bored with the 'game' of being mistreated and going back for more. That is, all bad treatment is now one flavor, Boring. I don't know what the VA did to me but whatever they did it was good. I sort of wonder if they were testing me when they tried to refuse me more therapy and said they were upset with me and thought they hadn't made progress. I said to them, well, sorry you feel that way, I don't, and from the last round of therapy I divorced my husband so I don't think it was ineffectual at all. I suppose if I was masochistic still at that point, I would have accepted it and continued going even knowing that they didn't want to be giving me therapy (supposedly.) But the other part of me thinks that they really aren't that clever. :rofl: Somehow though the therapy stuck. 

It might not have been the therapy, though, it might have been the effects of having guy friends who materialized and treated me nicely after that one boyfriend had the brain hemorrhage. It's difficult to figure out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is no need for a diagnosis. Sometimes people just stay a long time hoping things will get better. And it turns into years before they realize it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There is no need for a diagnosis. Sometimes people just stay a long time hoping things will get better. And it turns into years before they realize it.


The thing is, I knew all along what he was doing. I told myself I was giving him time after questioning him to change his ways. But I never really imagined or visualized wanting it to be any way other than it was. He was a pr*ck, and I knew it. 

He wasn't the first. 

Of course, I would leave these relationships. But I only left after they had gone as far as they could go.

Now there is nothing left that makes sense to punish myself for, and nobody I would want to have punish me. 

I forgot about the Shaman, going back to 'fix stuff' and to restore the spirit I was born with. That was right before I dumped the 'boss' guy.  

Whatever happened, something changed.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I stayed in a bad relationship/marriage for much too long. My mistake was hanging on to the potential I saw in the beginning. I saw less and less of the good and more of the the bad as our relationship progressed. Yet, I hung on to those good things and minimized the bad. The red flags were abundant even before we married but I would never let myself really look at them. I loved him and wanted it to work so I made excuses for his bad behavior and refused to let go of the dream I had hoped for us; what I thought we could be. It took me along time to accept what I wanted and hoped for was never going to be.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Initially I thought my youth and ineptitude were angering him and accepted I just had some maturing to do as it was only verbal (I was 20 he was 32).

After it because physical (shoving) I was shocked (I'd never been shoved) and felt as mature, rational (haha) adults, we could work this out - all I needed to do was tell him it wasn't ok as it wasn't often.

Now years have gone by and I was ashamed to admit failure, defeat and that I'd let this happen to me. Also by then he'd erroded my confidence and I wasn't sure I could handle life on my own - I'd never ever lived on my own (I think this is important. I went from parents, to roommate to him - I think everyone should be OK living on their OWN). 

So now in addition to shame I also had fear of failure. I was in a nice 2800sqft house with a new Nissan in the garage and was fearful of living in a crappy 500 ft apartment with strangers, danger, etc. So fear of lesser lifstyle (financial failure), personal safety and the unknown.

Then because he was becoming very successful he was nicer for a while. His NPD ego was fed by his success and he didn't need to lord over me as much. Bought a 3500sqft house on 2 acres. His business took a downturn and our finances were so tight they squeaked. And I became pregnant. Now I had even more fear of financial failure because I'd have a child to support.

Basically my fear of him had to exceed the fear of the unknown and failure. Removing the veil of secrecy by telling friends and family (SIL) coupled with his pulling a gun on me (extreme fear) and the example I was setting for our daughter (even bigger fear that this would become HER life) set me in motion.

I hope that was succinct enough. In the end I FLOURISHED without him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Initially I thought my youth and ineptitude were angering him and accepted I just had some maturing to do as it was only verbal (I was 20 he was 32).
> 
> After it because physical (shoving) I was shocked (I'd never been shoved) and felt as mature, rational (haha) adults, we could work this out - all I needed to do was tell him it wasn't ok as it wasn't often.
> 
> ...


YOU are very brave. 
I was just a sucker for punishment.
Even though the definition is masochism, I think I was just feeding an adrenaline rush because of adrenaline addiction from the way I grew up. Once I got my adrenaline and my allergies under control, I have got over this need. I think it was biologically/chemically driven, a true physical addiction to the sense of danger. I was abused, stalked, spied on, raped, molested, physically and mentally tormented, on the end of a gun sight, in swerving cars, etc. I think my body didn't know any other way of being. I seemed to do better under stress so if I didn't have it I would create it. I think that's why my exH was so pissed when I called it quits. I had got enough of what I wanted, and could continue to get it by having to go it alone with kids, whereas his supply was cut off. He no longer had anyone to manipulate as he blew his cover to all the other women, well, I blew the one woman's cover to her husband, but I heard she is doing much better now too (I saw her as a victim as he was lying to her too, and manipulating her, blackmailing her, etc.) 

I'm sure he'll find someone else but it won't be as fun as with me, since I was a pro at it by the time I got together with him. 

The short story is awesome, by the way. Really creepy and the ending is very unexpected in that it is quite dark.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> situation, if you were in an abusive marriage?


Hope. Stupidity. Fear. Neediness. Lack of self esteem. 2 young children. Financial situation. 

That about sums it up. Fortunately it worked out and I'm free. Should've done it years ago but emotionally/mentally I don't think I was capable. I was a work in progress and needed time to become what I am today. 

Now I'm good. :smthumbup: Sure wish I could be the person I am now 10-15 years ago.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Hope. Stupidity. Fear. Neediness. Lack of self esteem. 2 young children. Financial situation.
> 
> That about sums it up. Fortunately it worked out and I'm free. Should've done it years ago but emotionally/mentally I don't think I was capable. I was a work in progress and needed time to become what I am today.
> 
> Now I'm good. :smthumbup: Sure wish I could be the person I am now 10-15 years ago.


I don't really ever consider lost time. I tend to live in the present, which was something that happened to me on account of the brain injury, and I liked it so much, I kept up the habit, so every day I feel the same way about the past and the future as I did when I was a kid. That is, a kid tends not to think about the past so much except to scan through it to think of solutions and ideas to support present-day activities, and to sort of plan for the future, but not to nail anything down exactly, just sort of plan for the unexpected/unusual/sidetrips/opportunities. 

I'm aware of the past, but I don't have any regrets or attachment to it. Most of the negativity about it has been removed, which is why I could only come to the realization that I did in writing actively and from the third person introspective perspective about it. 

When I sit and write or do work or whatever, I'm in the same cognitive space that I had when I was a kid. It's like a place that I visit over and over and over again that exists without any attachment to time. But I can get to quite easily.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Interesting to both HNU and Freak...

HNU - I can see how that is masochistic... I never felt the need to conquor by subjecting myself repeatedly to things. Interesting self-observation. Do you think your brain injury has actually helped you by being able to be more objective?

Freak - I also have regrets yet don't. I learned a LOT about people, life and the like... I was a goody two-shoes when I met him. I'm not condoning drug use but I definitely tried some things with him and stopped seeing everything from a protected, privileged vantage point I had before I met him. I needed a little hardening and I got it. And fortunately, although I tend to be over-protective of my vulnerability, I am very much in touch with that side of myself and it's not unreachable.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There is no need for a diagnosis. Sometimes people just stay a long time hoping things will get better. And it turns into years before they realize it.


I stay hoping things will get better. We've been together for 21 years now. 

All the stories here on TAM has scares the heck out of me to leave my marriage. I am somewhat of an introvert. Although I am getting better at meeting people now. 

I stay because D is expensive. Being a divorced man on the dating scene broke wouldn't exactly be a chic magnet. All my money would go to make sure my daughter had all that she would need. 

My wife and I get along great, as long as I don't pester her for sex and I wait for her to give me the crumbs, all is great.

I think Divorce is the new normal now. There are many divorcees in our townhome community, as well as the several parents of my daughters friends. Others are separated. That life scares the heck out of me.

So I may have to wait another 9 or so years when I'll be 55 or so and maybe , just maybe, I'll get over that idea that my wife will enjoy sex and intimacy as much as I do.

I am in the finding friends mode so I will have the emotional support if and when the tim comes.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I have thought about this. Past relationships too.
It was sorta explained to me that people will match their own abuse.
Meaning if you have low self esteem and abuse yourself (think badly of yourself) you will accept behavior that is slightly above that. It's a reflection on how you feel about yourself. 

If you think you are worthy of love, you wont' settle for less. If you think you are damaged, broken, not capable of being loved, you will settle for what you think you deserve.

Of course what you think can change over your lifetime.That's when conflict arises.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Hope. Stupidity. Fear. Neediness. Lack of self esteem. 2 young children. Financial situation.
> 
> *Neediness--Yes, low self estemem--yes, young child--yes, financial--yes. That may sum it up for me too.*
> 
> ...


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

The short answer is...

I stayed that long because, despite everything, I was still in love her. I stayed that long because I didn't yet understand that it wasn't all my fault. I stayed that long because it took me that long to realize I was the only one willing to work at making things better.


Pb.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

deejov said:


> If you think you are worthy of love, you wont' settle for less. If you think you are damaged, broken, not capable of being loved, you will settle for what you think you deserve.QUOTE]
> 
> Maybe thats in nutshell. Maybe I fear/feel that I am broken from my rotten childhood. I attract a person that gives me or reminds me of the unlove I received growing up. It's what I know.
> 
> You would think after all these years, I would grow past all this...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

For me, I'm not sure it's that you attract someone who reminds you of the unlove, but you are willing to accept what someone else wouldn't. It keeps it fair  "There is someone for everyone".

I' m not even sure I fully agree with it, as I think if your self esteem is wobbly, you just don't see things the same way, or don't notice things. You are too busy being self absorbed with "woo is me" and feeling bad about yourself.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

For me the unhealthy relationship was comfortable. Though I didn't get much out of it, I knew what to expect and it was familiar. I truly saw potential and hoped that things would change. However, that was not the case. I am now in a healthy relationship with good boundaries and it scares the heck out of me. Lol. I am in a much better place and have learned to spot those red flags much more quickly. I know I deserve better than what I had growing up and I am finally looking forward in my life.


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## Anathon (Mar 10, 2013)

I stayed a longtime in it because I thought we would grow and change together at some point. It was about devotion and working hard. We had kids and both tried. We lost what we had somewhere and lost our closeness to each other. The soft stuff and spending alone time together. It became all about the kids later and at some point we were both so very unhappy.
I made some bad mistakes, ignoring, porn etc because I was empty. She pulled farther away as she felt unimportant and just as lonely. We finally ended it after 14 years. The good thing is we are both happier now. Sometimes the only answer is to move on as some people simply do not belong together.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Once the glitter is off and the marriage doesn't end up being what you expected, you should leave it.
Of course as children are added, then priorities change, at least for the provider. Next thing you know, twenty years has passed, the kids turn out to be other guy's progenys and you are ussured out the door by the system.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Addressed to these last two posts, would you categorize your relationships as abusive? The question for this thread is why people stay in relationships that are categorically abusive.

Could you please clarify? If there was abuse, what made you stay. If there was not abuse, please go back and re-read the original question, and reframe your response to contribute to this specific discussion.

Thank you.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Addressed to these last two posts, would you categorize your relationships as abusive? The question for this thread is why people stay in relationships that are categorically abusive.
> 
> Could you please clarify? If there was abuse, what made you stay. If there was not abuse, please go back and re-read the original question, and reframe your response to contribute to this specific discussion.
> 
> Thank you.


I guess one needs to define the meaning of "abuse".
Contrary to what seems to be the popular definition, abuse doesn't have to be of a physical nature requiring asault.
One can be mentally abused and not really aware of it because of misunderstanding why it's taking place.
Believe it that if a woman denies her spouse physical intimacy while secretly passing it out amongst his neighbors, she is ABUSING him.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Hmm... Yup. I've reflected and reflected and reflected and reflected... I am the common denominator here... So, it can't all just be them, right?

Well, I've come to realize some of the reasons I seem so prone to abusive relationshsips. Part of it was growing up in the household of two people who didn't love or respect each other. My real dad is a control freak, womaniser, verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable, etc.

So that's what I thought a husband is supposed to be like. (Subconsciously).

My mom was also a master at shifting the blame, assuming the victim mentality, vindictive at times and resentful. She is also very crafty and manipulative - all under the "good girl"/never does anything wrong guise.

Guess how I learned to be?

These two roles compliment each other so perfectly it's scary. 

Strangely, I never knew some of the things I was doing were "wrong" - I was always blaming my behavior on someone else. If they didn't treat me so badly I wouldn't have become a psychotic b*tch.

After my last relationship, (which was physically abusive in the last two years), I began reading a lot of relationship/communication/self-help books.

My abilities to spot red flags and warnings had been clearly compromised up until this point. Even if I DID recognize that someone was treating me badly, I was ultra forgiving.

I didn't want to fight; I hated it. So when there was a fight, I'd (first) do my best to put the entirety of the issue on my SO (provoking him), then claim my Victim Title. If that didn't stop the fighting, I'd resort to threats, leaving, manipulation. (I was unaware at the time that this is what was going on). Eventually, I'd just feel so broken that I would beg for forgivness and just want things to go back to "normal". (And in the abusive relationship, the "normal" was fantastic! I love my ex to pieces and he adored me as well)!!!

That pattern played out waaay too long. (2 years). Well, when he tried to choke me to death, that all changed.

For the next year I focused on getting myself out of homelessness. It was so, so, so difficult. I slept in my car, friend's houses (including my now-husband), hotels, shelters. I did it all.

Eventually I was able to get a job and save up enough money to rent my own house. Now, life was GREAT!!! I thoroughly enjoyed being self-sufficient, single, responsible! I worked HARD to get to that point, and it took me about a year.

But, I hadn't done enough work on myself. I hadn't gone to counseling for the abuse I suffered. I pretty much just swore off relationships... What did I need one for anyways?

Then... I had a pretty bad motorcycle accident in August 2010. My boss fired me for calling in, (even though in TWO YEARS I had only called in one other time, EVER)!! I was collecting unemployment, but it wasn't nearly enough, and I was still recovering from the accident and was in no way able to find work at that time.

My now-husband, then just a platonic friend, became the Super-Hero rescuer type. He'd always been kind of aloof as a friend, but that never bothered me much. The night of my accident I called him and asked him to take me to the hospital. (He works at a hospital).

He went from night, to DAY! He was so helpful, affectionate, when I looked in his eyes and I could just see the love and emotion he felt for me! He came over after work every day and helped me change bandages, bathe, feed my dogs, clean and cook me dinner. I had always had a crush on him, but his dedication and loyalty to help me, when I truly needed it the most, just made me fall in love with him. Apparently he felt the same, as one night he got brave and kissed me. It was on from there.

I look back, trying to see the warning flags I didn't then... I know I'm not perfect, but he was really good at concealing who he would become. I think his lack of friendships, chronic negativity (which was lifted a LOT after we began dating), use of pills (which he told me were prescribed to him), were about the only things I could have seen.

At that time, if there was a dispute between us, he would say and do all of the RIGHT things, the HEALTHY things to resolve the issue with me. We would talk, he would listen and engage. He didn't withdraw his love and affection just because we weren't getting along. He did it all PERFECTLY. I knew he was the one I wanted to be with... And 41 days after we had a small wedding with our doggies and mommas. 

But I hadn't done much work on me up to that point. I was suffering severe anxiety, panic attacks, and overall mental distortions left over from the previous relationship. I ruined my young marriage with over-reacting, crying all night, running away, and blame-shifting. He had to shut down to deal with me.

Eventually he stopped being so patient and nice. He began to get mean... Make threats, call me names (my number one pet peeve), he became even more secretive, he would twist my words around and fvck my mind. He was a total 180. And then I discovered he was addicted to pills, and that he was buying them online.

It has given me much to reflect on. We have had the crappiest first few years of marriage. He had never lived with another woman before me (besides his mom and grandma) and it was a HUGE adjustment. We didn't grow closer together. We grew further apart.

Long story short, after being in IC for several months, and doing my own work prior to that, I've learned a lot about ME. I wish I had done all this before we got married, but it is what it is.

I don't think we are going to make it. I feel like I am back in that vulnerable place I was before when I was homeless. Incredibly frustrated with myself...

But for ME, this has actually been a learning experience, and I know I'll be better for it in the long run. I already know that I don't want to remain in a bad place as long as I did before... What a waste of a perfectly good life!

So, those are a few of my reflections... Sorry about the novel... LoL!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think people have an ingrained way of viewing themselves that is cultivated throughout most of their young life. This way of thinking drives how we allow other people to treat us.

People will mask that with false statements such as, "I just love them." or some other bologna they say to mask their own deficiencies.

In my case, though I would have denied it at the time, I know that I put others' feelings and thoughts and happiness above my own. It was my job to fix someone's problem, to make them happy, to right their wrongs, etc. I did not value my own personal joy enough to demand better treatment.

I still find myself doing this, but I can recognize it now more easily. It's still new to me, maybe in a few years it will be a different story.

One thing is for sure, you don't just end up in a bad relationship. If you are a healthy, normal person, you do not put yourself in a position where you can repeatedly be treated poorly. Even if all of your relationships were healthy to that point, it still shows that you have work to do on yourself.

I think doing all the things you did HNU is the right way to go. Get out, make friends, experience life, put yourself as a priority for a while. Then when someone comes that runs the antithesis to that way of life, you can recognize it, and WANT to move on.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Interesting, COGuy - I never saw you that way. Must be over it! 

I was the same way. In my case being female was a big part of it - the fixer, the one who cared, the one who thought I could make things good enough that he'd stop being negative. And there were times I got a lot of appreciation and felt I was on the right track. 

Women are often taught to put themselves on the back burner and put others first and that's what I did. I'm not selfish now but I'm definitely more in tune with the fact I deserve to happy, too.

My Mom always put everyone first but Dad didn't abuse this fact nor did he allow us kids to. I had no one looking out for me like that but now I'm my own ally.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Interesting, COGuy - I never saw you that way. Must be over it!


I've always been a fun-loving goof ball, but I succumb to White Knight disease quite easily. Tell me a sob story and I'll start immediately thinking of ways to help. There's a time and place for that but in a relationship there needs to be a healthy give and take.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Why did I stay so long?? 

I believed her crap that I was never going to get anyone better(Looking, acting, etc....) and I should just settle..

I've dated a few girls since then and all of them are girls I would never have even asked out before because I thought I was beneath them..

I'm starting to notice things more and more that I don't like in potential mates and instead of rationalizing it.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Pbartender said:


> The short answer is...
> 
> I stayed that long because, despite everything, I was still in love her. I stayed that long because I didn't yet understand that it wasn't all my fault. I stayed that long because it took me that long to realize I was the only one willing to work at making things better.
> 
> ...


Me too...all of the above and major insecurities after her cheating. I was/am afraid I will never find anyone again...that I must be undesirable as a husband and a man. She was beautiful and that was part of my problem. My self esteem was so low that I became addicted to her in a way...even after all of the emotional abuse she was dishing out. I was always hoping that she would wake up one day and become her old self...and love me again. I was the giver and the fixer. I always hoped I could fix her too. Since than I have realized that I can't fix her. I also stayed for the children. I wanted to make sure I did everything possible to save us so I could honestly tell them that. I also didn't want any regrets to live with.


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