# Wife says my parents don't give us enough money



## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Married almost 4 years, two young children. We're both professionals, but she is on maternity leave and therefore only getting employment insurance at 50% of her salary until she goes back to work in August.

My wife's parents (who live in the same city) are not well off, but they have gone above and beyond in giving us money, buying things for the boys, even buying some of the furniture in the house for us. Fantastic, except that my wife uses this against me and _my_ parents.

My folks are retired, but pretty well off. They live about 1,000km away and have to pay quite a bit to fly or drive up here to see their grandsons. They also have another grandson back where they live.

Therefore, they've given us a lot (including $800.00 at Christmas time, plus lots of presents for the kids) but not as much as my in-laws. 

My wife and I have been arguing a lot lately, and last night she did raise the point that my parents haven't contributed as much. I walked away, and she came after me saying, "you know it's true! The truth hurts!" I responded with one finger.

In the past, my wife has tried to get me to talk my parents into giving us more money, which has led to some extremely awkward conversations with them. (It's only lately that I've stopped saying no to such demands, hence the collapsing marriage, because God forbid she doesn't get her own way.) She also says that she wants them to chip in toward the travel costs when we fly down (once a year) to see them.

This would be more understandable if we were on the verge of bankruptcy, but we're not. In fact, the same wife who wants money for travel for _my one trip home per year_ is also planning a trip to the US, with lots of outlet shopping involved.

For her part, my wife is mad at me because, when she raised all her parents have given us, I responded that I never asked them for it. Not to sound ungrateful for what they've done, but because I don't want it being used against my family.

We were set to see a marriage counselor next week, but if this is the way she feels I'm not sure I _want_ to save this marriage. (If not for my boys, I would have been gone long ago.) There is no one on earth quite like my wife, but is _anyone_ else going through something like this?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I have no clue why any of your parents are giving any of you money.

Your wife is an entitled witch.


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I have no clue why any of your parents are giving any of you money.
> 
> Your wife is an entitled witch.


I ask my parents not to give it to us (and sometimes we've tried to refuse accepting it from her parents) but they absolutely insist. You could say we're lucky, but to be honest it isn't worth the stress it's caused.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My personal opinion is that this is one of the major problems with our generation. We EXPECT our parents to continue supporting us well into adulthood and many parents feel obligated to do so even when they can't afford it.

If her parents enjoy giving you gifts, that's great but that is their choice. They are simply gifts, which people are free to give at their own discretion and in amounts that are comfortable to them. It doesn't place any obligation on others to match those gifts. This kind of thinking is ridiculous and your wife sounds very immature.

For the sake of your kids, marriage counseling is a good idea. I have found that marriage counselors are pretty good at giving an unbiased opinion on a matter that is heated between the two spouses. Hopefully the counselor will help your wife realize that this expectation is unreasonable in a non-emotional way.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> I ask my parents not to give it to us (and sometimes we've tried to refuse accepting it from her parents) but they absolutely insist. You could say we're lucky, but to be honest it isn't worth the stress it's caused.


I can imagine it is stressful.

I`d tell my parents about the problem you`ve described in the OP and tell them in no uncertain terms they aren`t to give you money unless you specifically ask for some help.

Then I`d tell my wife she doesn`t have to complain that my parents give so much less as I`ve just instructed them not to give anything.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OMG, I had no idea parents were supposed to do this?
I'd suggest she go to court so she can get what's fair.
Maybe her folks will pick up the legal fees.
Dude, she probably has some habit and is wasting her mom and dad's money, and can't ask them for more without getting into deep sh*t, she's likely at the end of her rope with the stories she gives them to get this money she's passing off to you as 'gifts'. Now she's trying to get you to work up your parents. Don't fall for it. Instead, go to a financial counselor and advise your parents to not send gifts only modest, non-monetary stuff. Obviously what they're sending is not considered considered a GIFT, therefore they are morally free from any gift-giving in future. They can give the gift of love and time spent together, like most other parents/grandparents do.
Track your household income and spending. You will see what doesn't add up. It's it above-board, insist that you must balance the budget based on your own incomes not dependent on parents. 
My son told me it was a great vote of confidence for me to stop giving him money, this way he knew I considered him capable of supporting himself. He is 21 and in college. Smart boy! (Takes after his mom. LOL.)

Find the hole where this money is going. My guess is that there will be one. Some hobby or impulsive spending or something like that. People can waste a heck of a lot of money on baby stuff and mommy stuff.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Expecting anyone besides yourself to pay your way through life is idiotic, and anyone who thinks that way is an entitled narcissist.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your parents, hers and yours, have no obligation to give the two of you anything. You know this. Your wife apparently does not.

Have you sat her down and informed her that she's completely out of line with her demands and that you do not want to hear it any more?

If it were me, I'd also have a talk with her parents. Perhaps with a voice recording of her yelling at your about your parents not giving enough. Tell them that their generosity is causing you marital problems as your wife now seems to think that her and your parents are obligated to support the two of you. That your wife does not see this as gifts but entitlements.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I can imagine it is stressful.
> 
> I`d tell my parents about the problem you`ve described in the OP and tell them in no uncertain terms they aren`t to give you money unless you specifically ask for some help.
> 
> Then I`d tell my wife she doesn`t have to complain that my parents give so much less as I`ve just instructed them not to give anything.


:iagree: I like!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> OMG, I had no idea parents were supposed to do this?
> I'd suggest she go to court so she can get what's fair.
> Maybe her folks will pick up the legal fees.


:lol:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> :lol:


But it's mean.
She's lucky she's not married to me.
I wouldn't have any sympathy for a professional woman just because she gave birth. Duh, everyone knows when you have kids you gonna have less money. Shopping trips? She just needs to shop for therapy, find out why she doesn't want to take the kids out for a walk in the park or to play times. Seriously, she is practicing some kind of escapism. It's probably an adjustment disorder and this hullaballoo about money is just a smokescreen so nobody will uncover her horrid little secret. Get money, spend it on a housekeeper/nanny who will take control of your lives, and send mommy back to work where she wants to be. After the kids have bonded with the nanny, she can be free to shop and travel.

Good grief.
Some people have it all and it's just not enough.
BUT, considering I just said that, has wifey been screened for post-partum depression? How long has this been going on?
Are her hormones okay?
What was she like BEFORE the kids?


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> BUT, considering I just said that, has wifey been screened for post-partum depression? How long has this been going on?
> Are her hormones okay?
> What was she like BEFORE the kids?


Actually, depression is an issue. She's struggled with anxiety before (as have I) and there is a serious possibility that our older son (aged 2 1/2) may have autism. We're devastated by this, but she is taking it much worse.

I've cut her some slack because of this. (She has just been prescribed antidepressants.) That said, even before she was pregnant she raised the issue of my parents supposedly not contributing enough.

And then there was the time she complained about the wedding photo my brother gave us (a beautiful framed scenic photo he took himself) because he presumably didn't spend any money on it. Or the time she said a friend of mine from back home was not allowed in our house because he didn't get us a wedding gift. And so on.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But it's mean.
> She's lucky she's not married to me.
> I wouldn't have any sympathy for a professional woman just because she gave birth. Duh, everyone knows when you have kids you gonna have less money. Shopping trips? She just needs to shop for therapy, find out why she doesn't want to take the kids out for a walk in the park or to play times. Seriously, she is practicing some kind of escapism. It's probably an adjustment disorder and this hullaballoo about money is just a smokescreen so nobody will uncover her horrid little secret. Get money, spend it on a housekeeper/nanny who will take control of your lives, and send mommy back to work where she wants to be. After the kids have bonded with the nanny, she can be free to shop and travel.
> 
> ...


agreed


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I haven't asked my mom for money since I was 10 and started doing work and babysitting. Holy crap.

I especially don't expect my husband's crazy parents to pay for anything. Nor my mother.

We're adults, we take care of our own. Your wife has issues...when I was on maternity leave (as a teacher), I only had 6 weeks 1/2 pay and 12 weeks no pay and we were fine. Money was tight, but fine.

Buck up, lady.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> And then there was the time she complained about the wedding photo my brother gave us (a beautiful framed scenic photo he took himself) because he presumably didn't spend any money on it. Or the time she said a friend of mine from back home was not allowed in our house because he didn't get us a wedding gift. And so on.


So she seems to be materialistic and/or gifts and the amount of money spent 'speaks' to her. I wonder if you noticed this before you were married?

Since her parents are giving money, I can't help but also wonder if they have said in her ear anything along the lines of "Why can't Zapp's family help more?" ....but that's completely speculating. She certainly does sound entitled and I think it's good you have started to say "No!" 

Paying for the trip and such to visit them? You're grown folk. Unless you needed help and they were willing to offer, she needs to suck that up. If anything, we have paid for my MIL to visit us - as we live interstate and know that she lives on tighter means than us. We've helped her out with various things, when we can, although she's never asked. 

I think you need to keep saying no to your wife and start refusing the help her parents offer. This can be done politely but seems it's needed imo.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Wow. I could see my father getting very vocal about something like that. My self as well.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> Actually, depression is an issue. She's struggled with anxiety before (as have I) and there is a serious possibility that our older son (aged 2 1/2) may have autism. We're devastated by this, but she is taking it much worse.
> 
> I've cut her some slack because of this. (She has just been prescribed antidepressants.) That said, even before she was pregnant she raised the issue of my parents supposedly not contributing enough.
> 
> And then there was the time she complained about the wedding photo my brother gave us (a beautiful framed scenic photo he took himself) because he presumably didn't spend any money on it. Or the time she said a friend of mine from back home was not allowed in our house because he didn't get us a wedding gift. And so on.


OK, well then my bet is on that her parents done something to her that make them feel guilty. She needs to not take their money. Put it in an account for your son. Try to get him into a treatment program. My son was on the spectrum and went to preschool and Kindy full-time year round with OT, PT and speech-communication therapy embedded into the program. I designed the program putting together pieces from our university. Now Easter Seals has a formal program at that school. Anyway, now he is much much better. He's still kind of out there, but most of the time he is with us, and not all frustrated over it (usually). 

Probably your wife needs individual therapy but also some family therapy, and a good baby sitter. I had students who were in third or fourth year of college studying OT (occupational therapy), they came to the house but also took my kids on age-appropriate outings. Having a child who doesn't connect can be really hard.

My son's issues, some of them, turned out to be a spinal cord issue. Well, the doctor at the Children's Hospital, who diagnosed him, said to me her son had a diagnosis of autism. I felt so bad, here she found something of my son that had been missed for 5 years since I suspected it, and her son just getting a diagnosis like that. Now my son's endocrinologist (he has a thyroid problem too, this can present as somewhat autistic, because of the symptoms it causes - foggy brain, sluggishness...) also tells me he has a child with a disability. I guess because i went through so much and the doctors know it, and I worked in medical care before, I hear about these things. I know it's very hard. Because your entire identity as a professional has to be re-designed to fit with a child who is not what you expected.

That's why I suggest family therapy, because maybe she feels responsible, or can't figure out how to adjust, because really, it's the whole family that needs to adjust. 

:-(

Things will get better. But take that extra money and put it away. Get a budget under control, and get help for the kids. Make sure Mom doesn't forget what REAL fun is, which is the free stuff. 

Don't travel, it is really disruptive and escapism. Armchair travel (movies, books) and walks are best.

I used to go every day with my kids to a community support center. They had parenting groups and parent-child activities, free play for the kids, and chit chat and coffee for the parents. Also snacks. You could go every day. Mine was only 2 miles from my house and it was free. Sometimes, even though I didn't have a diagnosis, I used to go and do crafts with the women's recovery/resiliency group: knitting, fish-print tee-shirts, that kind of thing. It was just fun. 

Your wife probably always had some kind of need for control. Maybe her parents giving her money is a way of them telling her she needs them, not wanting to let go or give her independence, this feeds into her feeling of not measuring up, needing to buy things to show how worthy she is, or normal, successful, etc. She's been disenfranchised for one reason or another. And now perfect child won't cooperate. Of course the child is perfect. But maybe grandparents won't see it that way? There are all kind of possible issues here.

That's why independence is best. The fathers of my children (two of them) were in these kind of money-based relationships with their controlling fathers. I said many times, why not give them the finger as to finances? I did to them and after that they respected me. They knew I didn't like them for their money, in fact, they knew I only liked them when they could behave to me.  We got along great after some good fights, called it a match. :rofl:

A normal person wouldn't spend the money. They would save it. Your wife spending the money like that, maybe she's angry and doesn't want it. 

I think things will work out for all of you. Some women don't finish growing up until after they have their children.

Edited to add: I think HOME needs to become a safe place where she can feel comfortable having her real needs met. But first she has to express them, and before that, she has to see what they are. This can be really difficult. She probably needs a real good cry. Even though there hasn't been any loss, there has been a loss, maybe more than one. When my father died of suicide, guess what I did? I shopped. It was like a kind of canned interaction. That had a predictable outcome. Of course, I'd been neglected and didn't have many clothes, so there was a need to shop, and it was limited, because I was busy and also didn't have a car, but I do remember that shopping was something that was seen as 'safe'. Given all the marketing and ads, and how things supposed to make you feel one way or another, connected to home stuff, which is what stay at home moms get exposed to on t.v., it's not surprising. Also, it seems that's the easiest way to connect. But our marketplaces, though instinctual, don't provde the same connection as the old-fashioned marketplaces of ancient times. Here we have canned interactions, set prices. You cannot tell your life story as a bargaining tool, or question someone down a price with your knowledge and skill. Nope, not even the currency is real.


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## Zapp Rowsdower (Feb 20, 2012)

An update: the subject came up during another argument this morning. My wife said she can see why I'm upset about it, and that she's sorry she ever brought it up. (She never said she's sorry she feels that way, though.)

I did mention, once again, that it costs them a lot of money just to come up here to see their grandchildren. She responded that we give them a free place to stay, so it's practically like vacation time for them. :banghead:


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Married adults are not to ask or expect money from parents.

It creates obligation and shows that the couple is not mature enough for marriage.

Your wife is very selfish to speak of the "free place" to stay. They are family, not strangers!

My in laws gave us money after we eloped; we also received gifts of money from his community and once again when my mother-in-law threw a reception for us on our first anniversary. They have been very supportive and we are grateful since we know that they do not have to do such things. 

On the other hand, my parents did not even give us a card because they wanted to show their dispproval for our decision to elope. They tried to force us to let them plan this enormous and awful wedding and we only wanted something intimate. 

The differences are obvious, but it doesn't bother me because I am a grown woman and not a dependent child.

You and your wife need to grow up and take responsibility for your own life! She has a lot of growing up to do. I may be a part of a spoiled generation, but I have enjoyed the freedom of paying my own way. My parents could not take over my wedding because I refused to take their manipulation money.


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## ICouples (Jan 13, 2012)

The problem with getting money easily is that someone may take it for granted. 

Have you tried to convince your wife to earn money some other way? There are many home-based opportunities or internet part time jobs that mums can do.

Good luck!

Tony


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I'm wondering if the wife's attitude is the major problem.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> An update: the subject came up during another argument this morning. My wife said she can see why I'm upset about it, and that she's sorry she ever brought it up. (She never said she's sorry she feels that way, though.)
> 
> I did mention, once again, that it costs them a lot of money just to come up here to see their grandchildren. She responded that we give them a free place to stay, so it's practically like vacation time for them. :banghead:


Dude, don't justify it. Don't discuss it. Just tell your wife that "I am not asking my parent's for money. I don't want money from your parents. I don't want anyone giving me money becuase they will tell me how to live my life." Don't ever say anything but this in relation to parents and money.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Dude, don't justify it. Don't discuss it. Just tell your wife that "I am not asking my parent's for money. I don't want money from your parents. I don't want anyone giving me money becuase they will tell me how to live my life." Don't ever say anything but this in relation to parents and money.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Wow, the concept on this thread is so foreign to me I have trouble conceptualizing it. Put on you big boy pants and tell your wife to do the same. You're adults and need to stand on your own. Let your parents keep their money for their golden years, retirement, medical bills that come with age. Cut the cord man, it's time.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Holy moly! Your wife needs a wake up call! Under no circumstances would my husband nor I ask our parents for money, nor would we ever expect them to give us any. It is wrong, rude and selfish to expect money from others. 

We are going through hard times just like most people, but we are also responsible for our own lives, bills, debts, material and needed items. Life is not cheap, but my husband works very hard to provide for us.

We have no problems sacrificing luxury items to keep a roof over our head, clothing and good food in our bellies. My husband and I much prefer living a more simple life. Material things are just not important to us. I don't even have a cell phone and neither do our children.

What's important is we have each other. We do our best meeting each others needs. We try to live as frugal as possible. Most our luxury items were given to us a Christmas/birthday gifts from our parents. Never would we ask for them. We are responsible for our own lives, even though I'm a disabled SAHM. I bring in zero income.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Zapp Rowsdower said:


> I ask my parents not to give it to us (and sometimes we've tried to refuse accepting it from her parents) but they absolutely insist. You could say we're lucky, but to be honest it isn't worth the stress it's caused.


Ask both parties (parents) to back off with their gifts, as much as you appreciate their gesture, it has cause confict in the home. I am sure they will understand and not be offended.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

In her defense, women are strange. They are very careful what they say to strangers, but have no compunction about saying harsh, hurtful things to sisters, mothers, and husbands, in the guise of saying what's on my mind.


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## Reformed_A_hole (Aug 21, 2012)

Neither sets of parents should be giving you anything! Nail this on the head otherwise you will be 40 and financially dependant on them. Your wife's sense of entitlement is rather serious issue, too. She had left her family and made a family with you. It is now up to both of you to develop your own life and financial independence. You can't expect to have your parents' standard of living so soon in life. it will takes years to get where they are.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

my parents are better than your because they give us more money.....



my parents are better than your because they tought me how to be responcible and not need to sponge off of them.


how are you going to teach your kids?


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