# Anyone else start to hate all?



## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Hey all!

It's been awhile but here I am again! My wife cheated almost 2 years ago and wants to get back together but we are not and I have not lived in same house for some time. Question I have, everyone we knew together including family, friends, and friends that were mine that she met through me I get angry, very angry at and feel like I want to start over with all. For example, if you "know" what happened I never want to see you again. Am I going crazy? I avoid everyone I use to know besides close family. What should I do? Can anyone share some stories to help me?

EDIT. I mean in general. Know after the fact, not during.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I agree that anyone that was aware of the affair --- friends, family , coworkers, neighbors --- should be expunged from your life if they didn't somehow let you know.

I wouldn't want any part of these people.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ouch. That's a bitter pill to swallow, man. Each parent, sibling, relative, and friend that knew and didn't say anything essentially betrayed you as well. I get why you'd feel that way. You're not going crazy.

Who was it that knew and didn't speak up?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It sounds like there is a chance you may take your wife back? If that is the case, as part of that healing and reconciliation, you are going to need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with any friends and family who were aware of the affair, even if they didn't actively support it. 

Both of you will need to cut all toxic friends out of the picture. Family will be much more difficult.

If there is no chance of getting back together with her, cut them all from your life.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

I'm sorry, I meant "know" now. Not during.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Overdone said:


> I'm sorry, I meant "know" now. Not during.


That's a very different situation then. Most likely it's the feeling of shame that you are feeling knowing that you went thru something like this, and you are afraid that those who know about it now will perceive you differently. I think the feelings can be natural, but I would also call it the desire to run away from your problems. The thing to keep in mind is that no matter where you go and who you meet, nothing changes what happened to you. So while I think the feelings are natural, the way to overcome them is to continue with any therapy you are receiving and to embrace the good friends and family you have that have found out about the affair after the fact. They will still love you for who you are even though you had something traumatic happen to you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I see thanks for clarifying.

I still don't think that is unusual. It's an embarrassing situation. You were betrayed by the one person who swore in front of God to have your back through thick and thin. 

I would try to hold onto some of the more precious relationships, if you can. Close friends and family will completely understand and support you. If you need space, great. But don't shut yourself off completely. The fastest way to heal is to spend time with people you care about.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Without going back and reading older posts, may I ask your general age, any children?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Overdone said:


> I'm sorry, I meant "know" now. Not during.


Ah. Still, I understand. There is a certain degree of humiliation involved for sure.

Just remember, though... her decision to cheat had nothing to do w/ you.

I just glanced through your other threads and realized that I'd read them before, though it's been a while.

What is the status of the divorce?

Are you still involved w/ "Sara"? If not, are you dating or have you been dating anyone at all?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Ok, hating people who found out about your wife's affair after you did is probably not all that healthy. I get that this is a deeply embarrassing situation, and some hesitance might be entirely natural. But cutting off people for being aware that you were cheated on just sounds like you maybe aren't processing and coping in a healthy manner.

Are you in therapy of any type? If not, it might be helpful to start. If you are, this is something you need to let your therapist know about so you two can get together and devise some better coping strategies.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I've let everyone in my life know. Sure it's embarrassing, but the ones in my life who count are understanding and supportive. The ones who aren't, well, I'm glad to be able to identify them and stop associating with them.

If the people who are close to you don't know the truth, you essentially isolate a very large part of yourself. That is a recipe for major depression.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon overdone
It is probably a sense of shame - you don't want to be near people who know what happened to you.

Just keep in mind that somewhere near 50% of marriages have infidelity - so many of those friends are not viewing you as harshly as you may think they are.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am very sorry for the heartache and pain. Betrayal is one of the toughest things anyone will ever have to deal with in this life. I am not sure, though, why you feel the need to distance yourself from people simply because they know what happened. You didn't force your wife to make the choices she made. One thing I do know is that isolation is a killer. If I could no anything different it would have been to get active in my church earlier, find a support group, and make sure I was physically active. You cannot control anyone other than yourself. You do realize that you are allowing her decision to continue to control and manipulate how you feel. This is not impacting her at all. Have you gotten into any small groups or counseling? Do you attend church at all? What are you doing to change your own mental and emotional health? 

I am aware of a Christian ministry that offers free counseling. If you are interested please send me a private message. In the mean-time, please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. There are some good resources available especially if you consider reconciliation as an option. Hang in there and take care of yourself.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> That's a very different situation then. Most likely it's the feeling of shame that you are feeling knowing that you went thru something like this, and you are afraid that those who know about it now will perceive you differently. I think the feelings can be natural, but I would also call it the desire to run away from your problems. The thing to keep in mind is that no matter where you go and who you meet, nothing changes what happened to you. So while I think the feelings are natural, the way to overcome them is to continue with any therapy you are receiving and to embrace the good friends and family you have that have found out about the affair after the fact. They will still love you for who you are even though you had something traumatic happen to you.


I agree with this, and also want to add something.

Stop and think about how you felt when ever you found out about someone else having an affair, or someone getting divorced. Because it wasn't happening to you, you would just be like, 'oh, that's too bad, i hope it works out for them' and move on. You don't dwell on other peoples problems, and they really don't dwell on yours. 

If you carry your head high, and you know you're in a good place. They won't pity you or feel sorry for you, or think you're any less of a person. Those are things in your head, other people frankly don't care. They're too caught up in themselves and their own crap. Everyone has their own demons to slay, they can't be bothered really caring about yours all that much. When they say "how are you doing?" most of them really mean "hi". Your close family really cares how you are doing. Everyone else.. not so much.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I cut anyone who remained friends with her after the fact out of my life. It's me or her, sorry. But really, save 1 mutual friend, who actually _did_ know about the affair as it was happening, her friends went with her and mine with me, so, all good. This "friend" tried to remain tight with me - I've cut her out.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Living well is the best way to get past the shame man.

That's what I did. I mean, I felt shame everywhere with everyone. Because I was such a loser that my wife screwed another guy and dumped me.

But then I started living well, dating well, and being... happy.

Then I found myself walking around, head high, shoulders back. Even laughed my ass off when her parents walked past me on the street pretending not to know me.

Of course the hot girl I was helping into my new sports car helped dull the pain, too.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Try not to be stuck in the past. Maybe get radical. If you don't work out, head for the gym. Get a trainer and change yourself. Start surfing.... As usual, read MMSLP. A great read for any guy at any point in his life. A girlfriend or a few close friends can go a long way too.

New Friends? Be nice to strangers, that's where your friends come from.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

My feelings about those who found out (after) dday have changed, when everything started I relied on some of those friends for counsel or to vent and it helped some, but as time goes by I wish I never told anyone else.
Call it male pride, maybe I am embarrassed part of it being the self esteem loss from not being able to keep my wife satisfied and happy( even though her cheating didn't have anything to do with our sex life) the stigma of having her step out make you feel less of a man. They probably don't do it but sometimes you may think you feel their pity or that they whisper behind your back.

Or just maybe those "old" friends are a reminder of your past, a past you would like to forget and move on from and seeing them only brings up memories of you and your ex.
I have a similar situation with my relatives and my mother's death, seeing aunts and uncles(her brothers and sisters) and grandparents remind me of my her family resemblance) and there are very few good times to look back on so it can be painful to the point that now I limit my contact with them.

Finally being cheated on changes who you are, your outlook on life, how you handle situations, things that were important to you before may not be any longer and possibly these people just don't fit with your new mindset.


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