# Our Parents and our relationships



## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

After my counselling sessions and F-102's post regarding his upbringing, I'm really thinking about the way I was raised in regards to how it affects my relationships. I was raised by a passive father and a control freak mother who let me know everyday that I wasn't being/doing enough to make her happy. 

She had a terrible childhood of her own but the more I think about it the angrier I get, that I really am pretty screwed up. I mean this women, when I graduated with honors from college at age 30, told me "oh, I thought you were done already". No present, no card, no atta girl. Nothing. Pretty much sums up my life. They didn't even come to my second wedding since Vegas was too much for them they said. 

It's made me a very insecure person who will accept crappy treatment from someone as long as they love me. I never think I'm smart enough, pretty enough, capable enough, work hard enough etc. Even though I know all this isn't true, logically, it obviously causes me to make poor choices in men. 

Anyone else want to share how they think their rearing has caused issues in their relationship? I know I'm at fault for lots of things but I'm beginning to think my low self-esteem is the biggest factor in my relationship issues.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I had problems/inhibitions verbalizing my feelings (yes, all walled up).

Beyond that I think I learned what a relationship should NOT be like, based on my parents'.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I actually thought my parents adored each other when I was a child. My mother was ill for a brief time before she died...I was 12 when she passed. I remember my father's knees buckling under him during the services. My brother and I had to literally hold him up. But then I grow up and my sister (who is 9 years older than myself) tells me things about their r-ship that I didn't know. 
I didn't know that my father lived with a woman while he was stationed in Germany during WW2. I didn't know that he considered my mother a "cold fish". I didn't know that she thought he was an alcoholic bum. 
All I know is that when she started working (when I was in 2nd grade) and got her license AND her own car...I saw a drastic change in my mother. I think the lesson that a woman needs her OWN MONEY was hammered into my head during that time. 
I did learn that all is not as it seems. I think my parents hid things well from me.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's that lousy word-"enough"-seems to be a pie in the sky that, in regards to certain people, one can never reach. Fortunately, I made a very good choice in a woman (some not so good and one downright harrowing one before we met!), but those feelings still creep in. Fortunately, they are few and far between with us, but when they do come up, all bets are off.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I feel bad for parents at times.

The great majority do their best the vast amount of the time.

But, children don't process emotions the same way adults do. Incomplete processing of emotions leaves traumatic scars. This is why kids often believe a breakup/divorce is "their fault".

At their age, the world is "all about them", so why WOULDN'T the divorce be their fault?

My father was a mensch. He probably had a bit of short man's disease as he was about 5 foot 6 walking erect. He was a tough competitor and he taught me how to win.

To be precise:

My first organized baseball game. Loving the uniform... loving the competition... not wanting to mess up.

Nightmare scenario

I'm playing second base and I completely blew the game. Missed way too many grounders. Crashed into fellow players. Harder you try, the worse it gets. You get the idea.

The other team runs wild on the bases and wins.

Bitter tears flow. Inadequacy. Self-loathing.

What does the old man do?

In short? Teaches me to be a champion.

We play every single day. Grounder after grounder. Fly balls, pop ups, drills. Crow hops - building arm strength.

My career following that day?

Power hitting terror. Impeccable fielder. Trophy case lined with hardware. Struck out 1 of every 3 hitters I ever faced as a pitcher. Hit nearly .500 over 10 years. Phenomenal.

Loud praise the entire time - from the old man.

*******************

The upshot?

What did I learn about losing?

It's humiliating and to be avoided at all costs. Find the edge. Do whatever it takes - no matter how difficult to prevail.

How does that translate into adulthood? How does that make your sisters feel? Does anyone like someone who is unbeatable?

**********************

Did he do the right thing?

Of course. He taught me life skills of perseverance, tenacity, toughness, and guile. Find their weak spot and kill.

How does that translate into personal relationships?

You get the idea.

Even when they're helping us in huge ways, the lesson we "may" learn is not always helpful.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

When I was growing up, my parents never fought in front of me. I never once saw them argue or even get tense with each other. This led me to think that arguments, disagreements, differences of opinion and tension in a relationship meant that the relationship simply wasn't working. It has caused problems for me, because I now face the fact that I'm not comfortable with conflict and when my boyfriend and I have issues, I tend to want to hide from them while he'd rather address them and move on from them. 

I think, as parents, we try to do what we think is best for the kids, and we don't think about what our unintentional lesson might be. I know when I was married to my children's father, we divorced while I was pregnant with the youngest, but I always tried to hide the arguments from my oldest. I felt seeing us argue would be bad for him. I've now learned that while it's still a good idea to keep disagreements that have to do with parenting out of earshot of the kids (so they don't know if we're not a united front on something and can't try to get between us and work one against the other), it is good to let them see us disagree on something and work it out, so long as we can work it out without being disrespectful, rude, or deragatory.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

after three years i figured out why the silent treatment sends me into a psychotic break: my dad ignored me my entire life. Once i made that connection it was a lot easier to deal with.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Good stuff guys. I learned from my mother to always build my kids up, discipline without screaming or violence and to not keep secrets. On the other hand I grew up in an environment where there was constant chaos and screaming and I wasn't allowed to express my emotions. So when I got married at barely 20 the first time, we never argued and we never expressed our feelings. I couldn't stand yelling and I still can't. My mom did teach me that I needed to be independent, manage my own money and not let a man tell me what to do. Well, after tearing me down my whole life I've let my current husband roll over me. I think she did the best she could with what she had, considering her own parents, but I wish she could have seen the toll it took on us.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Forgive her.

More importantly - forgive yourself.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

Tiredspouse
I had a similar upbringing. My mother was the passive, my father the control freak. I felt completely neglected. My parents would make similar comments making me feel I was not good enough. I went through life feeling worthless and ended up in bad relationships after my first marriage was over. I eventually cut off ties for many years because I was tired of listening to the things they would day to me. I had to do it to survive because it was destroying me inside.

I felt depressed very often, especially if I was going through a difficult situation. Many times I felt like my life wasn't worth living and wanted to end it. I never thought I would see my 50th birthday.

Well, a funny thing happened. I met my current husband. We eventually got married and I moved right back to where my family was from because that is where he was from. We eventually got back to talking and this time we were slowly able to mend our relationship. After that happened, I never felt worthless again. I never felt suicidal, though I have gone through very trying times with my marriage.

I must say that when my husband and I were dating, he was my rock. No matter what I threw at him in the beginning, he still hung around. I usually panic when I feel like I am falling for someone because I am afraid of attachment which I felt led to abandonment and/or getting hurt. He made me feel like he would always be there no matter what. Unfortunately, once I moved to his town and got married, I realized he was abusing alcohol. I was in this small one horse town not knowing anybody and he spent all his extra time (even some work time) at the bar. To me that was neglect and abandonment and I became very depressed. My self esteem sunk to new lows. 

What saved me is that I mended my relationship with my family. They come to me for advice. Now they compliment me and make me feel important. It washed most, if not all the bad feelings away.


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## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

I could write a book about my mother but lets just say that after seeing her go through 7 marriages (4 to the same man) and slowly going downhill more each time until she is totally dependent and her life is in shambles taught me a lot. My dad was married twice. My mom being the last and he never remarried. He has always been the rock in my life. From this I learned that I will never be totally dependent on a man financially or even in other ways, I know that no matter what comes my way I can take care of myself and my children. I also learned that although through my marital issues there are times I want to run out and only do what makes me happy that there are many people I would hurt by doing that so I try to make more logical decisions than my mother. Not leaving just to cling to the next man for support. 
Sometimes I think to logically and about the what ifs too much and wish I could be a little more spontaneous and risk taking. I don't know if making everyone happy and keeping my family together is right even if I'm not estatically happy or if it's right to break them up and shift them back and forth between me and my husband just for my own happiness. It tugs at me everyday because I'm determined not to be like my mother.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> When I was growing up, my parents never fought in front of me. I never once saw them argue or even get tense with each other. This led me to think that arguments, disagreements, differences of opinion and tension in a relationship meant that the relationship simply wasn't working. It has caused problems for me, because I now face the fact that I'm not comfortable with conflict and when my boyfriend and I have issues, I tend to want to hide from them while he'd rather address them and move on from them.


I saw my parents' marriage in two distinct phases. Phase I - was when I was between maybe 5 and 8. Dad was drinking - not around. When he was around, Mom was in a lot of pain and there was a lot of fighting. Divorce was mentioned OFTEN.

THEN phase II - when my Dad got sober - I never saw them work through things - kind of like atruckersgirl.

I saw either War/divorce or complete peace.

Key is - once we recognize this $hit - what can we do about it?

So many people don't even see that they are repeating unhealthy patterns, so you think we'd all be a bit ahead of the curve.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My parents were a SOLID model of marriage. I witnessed arguments patiently, lovingly, and thoughtfully resolved. I witnessed romance. I witnessed equal partnership and division of labor. I saw parenting conflicts resolved with patience and love. 

Unfortunately now I see a lonely mother since my father is deceased.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I will not assign any of my blame/actions to my parent's upbringing.

I have good parents from a solid marriage. As per my other thread, my father is 9 years older than my mom, but that seemed to more acceptable back in 1966.

That being said, I probably have the following habits from my parents (and I will only focus on the negative)

*Mom*
1. Opinionated.
2. Couch potatoness (at times - I do run 5K's but I often get in a funk)
3. Bad dietary (carbs - pasta, bread) choices

*Dad*
1. Um. . .frugalness (some may say cheap)
2. I lose my keys all the time.
3. Homebodyness
4. Interrupt people in conversation. . .I never seemed to get the knack of when a person is finished speaking and it's my turn. Sometimes I even wait 2-3 seconds and go figure. . .I interrupt them or we start at the same time. I apologize though, when I interrupt.

Maybe that's why I like internet conversations so much.

There are good qualities too. . .but this thread seemed focused on the negative.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

MxRacer:

You know. . .about kids. . .the good (and bad) thing about having kids is that men do bring about a different perspective to the equation.

Kids are an Asset.

Kids are a Liability.

They are like a house that way - you are just seeing the mortgage and it's more natural for a man to see the liability that kids are ($250,000 to raise one, I think is the latest stat, not including college)

They are assets too though:

1. They keep you young. It really is true.
2. They force you to adopt a different perspective in life. I talk to childless friends and frankly, many of them just don't have a clue.
3. Eventually, they are a "safety net" when you get old and sick and too miserable for anyone else to deal with.
4. They renew lost interests. When my son started baseball, I was like, "Oh, yeah, I remember like this before th 1994 Strike (or whatever year it was." When my other son started soccer, I was like, "Oh yeah, this is actually an interesting game." Kids also take interest in what you like. Everyone of my kids is a Phila. Eagles Phan.
5. Being a father does in some circles make you more attractive to women. Yeah, I am speakign with forked tongue b/c many women hate men with kids. . .but at the same time, there's an old saying among women: "No man is a man until he fathers a child."

It's the final stage in growing up.

Well, I know this is off topic. . .just remember. . .dont dwell on the liability too much. You are getting a kid whether you like it or not, so why not just like it and not be miserable like your old man?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont think my mom or my husbands mom had kids for the right reasons...but i will not pass judgement on them. my mom had issues with her mom, i dont know all, but my grandmother passed in 1995. one day my mom was talking some BS and i said it sounds like you should have talked to your mom.

i just turned to her and said hey...you can never work it out, she is dead. you must deal with you the best you can, be better for you.

i think she wanted to smack me....i look at the negative things from both moms, and try to make our life different.

im too old to blame mom for mistakes i make now. i have to own up to the persom i am now. if i keep looking back and point fingers, how can i progress towards the future.

i have to accept my mom for who she is, and not fall into parent/child pit falls. i am responsible for children, and i will have lots to answer for when they get older. time to let mom off the hook for her choices and decisions.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I just want to clarify that I didn't mean to imply in any way that my parents were bad, or that I blamed them. I know that they did what they did because they honestly thought they were doing what was best for me and for them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

atruckersgirl said:


> I just want to clarify that I didn't mean to imply in any way that my parents were bad, or that I blamed them. I know that they did what they did because they honestly thought they were doing what was best for me and for them.


I understand. Most parents have a tendency to hide the innerworkings of their marriage from their children.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, your feelings are natural.

Honestly, there are 2 births about to happen in your life:

1. The birth of your child.
2. The birth of MxRacer Dad along with the death of MxRacer, non-parent.

There were really 2 lives with me - Pre-parent and Post-parent.

A birth of your first child really is baptismal.

You sould a lot like me. . .I am a good father too. . .hands on, involved (more now that the divorce is over and child support is reasonable), interactive. . .but really, I never wanted to be one. So what did God do - he gave me 3, the last one a "surprise." I heard one mother put it like this:

"You really couldn't pay me 10 million to have another one but you couldn't pay 10 million for any of my kids."

That's how I feel about parenting and my children. But overall, they have been more of an asset than a liability. I just worry like you - how the heck are we going to pay for 3 college educations?

I guess it was my destiny. I am not sure if we have a destiny or we are all just floating around in the wind like a feather. . .maybe it's both happening at the same time. . .


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

As an adult, I *very* recently had an epiphany of sorts. I have seemed to go through a pattern of getting caught up in issues, thinking about them intensely for a while then finding the courage to address them with OH. I would bring up the issue, talk about it a lot, he would say his piece, we'd get to some kind of resolution, then things would be ok again - for a while. The cycle would then start again as the issue has been addressed but not properly resolved.

It was driving me mad. I then realised that my mum displayed a similar pattern of behaviour that I had picked up on years ago but not connected to my own behaviour. Her coping strategy with my father when there was conflict was to keep quiet and avoid things, avoid confrontation. Every so often she would come to a point where she boiled over which seemed to be the catalyst for my dad to take her words seriously.

I realised that although circumstances are different, I have somewhere along the line learned to avoid confrontation for fear of being made to look neurotic or being told I am worrying about inconsequential things. It gets bottled up until I can't stand it in my head and I have to get it out there. It's only relatively recently I've realised how this has come about and I am working on dealing with my worries more constructively, "owning" my own behaviour and my responses to his and being less negative.

The happier side is that my mum does have a knack of being able to defuse my dad's temper nowadays with a sarcastic quick one-liner which makes him see the funny side of things, and my OH is able to do this with me when I get caught up in things



MxRacer965 said:


> all I see is her body getting deformed (permanently in some cases, temporary in others), pain (child birth), discomfort (the months leading up to the pain), expense (kids are expensive), the hassle (having to teach and raise them), the strain it will undoubtably place on us and our relationship, the decline in intimate time and sex, less time for us in general, etc. I just don't see anything GOOD about kids. I blame my father for that one and so does my wife.


MxRacer - I've seen you mention the comment about your wife's body getting "deformed" permanently before; what exactly do you mean by this - I've had four children in six years and I can assure you my body has not been permanently deformed in any way!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

My childhood was painful. When I think about it, I wonder how I made it to adulhood. Simply amazing.
I never had a dad around. I learned men don't stay, so don't rely on them. Mom was and still is a man-basher. She has nothing good to say about the male species.

Mom let us kids know that we were her job, and she would be glad when the job ended. We girls were neglected, while mom catered to her only son.

We were the poster family for dysfunctional.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> My parents were a SOLID model of marriage. I witnessed arguments patiently, lovingly, and thoughtfully resolved. I witnessed romance. I witnessed equal partnership and division of labor. I saw parenting conflicts resolved with patience and love.
> 
> Unfortunately now I see a lonely mother since my father is deceased.


awe that is sad. your poor mom. my father passed away also but my mom lives with a lot of regrets. i witnessed how resentment can allow a man to literally die right in front of you. I vowed to get over my resentment because its not worth it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't think it matters one bit unless you were homeschooled until 18 and lived in a box or are still very young!!

We are all adults and free to make our own choices. We live in a real world with almost countless examples to learn from.....our parents just one of many.

Wifes parents:

Divorced, Alcoholic, Dad strong opinionated borderline arrogant.

My parents:
Divorced, Alcoholic, Mom was very strong, my dad a pushover.


Neither of us are alcoholics, divorced, nor am I a pushover.......we are our parents gentically, but we make our own decisions as our morality and opinions see fit.

I've never understood the "blameshift" on the parents or anyone for that matter. 

People who have sufferred from Sexual/Physical abuse not included!!


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

MxRacer, I can actually really relate to some of your feelings; I'm terrified of getting pregnant because of the effects it will have on my body. It is weird too, the progression of feelings toward pregnancy...If I remember correctly, you and your wife have been together since college. I'm in college now and feel like getting pregnant is the WORST possible thing that could ever ever happen to anyone in college. Worse than a drug overdose, worse than an STD (apparently some poll at another school said that the vast majority of college girls would rather get an STD than get pregnant), just downright horrifying. And then suddenly it starts to become ok? It's just weird. I'm in that transition stage right now, where I really want kids BUT I sure as **** don't want them now or in the next couple of years.

That said, there are so many positive aspects of having kids! I'm surprised no one has really touched on this one yet but KIDS ARE SO MUCH FUN! They are hilarious! I work with children frequently, and they are incredibly imaginative, funny, goofy, and insightful. They play games. They make funny faces. You ask them one question and they will entertain you for hours. Yes, you have to raise them, but I honestly think raising them is actually a positive and not a negative. Plus it's an excuse for you to push to the front of the line at museums, go roll around in the grass at the park or swing on the swings, go to a petting zoo...Things you probably are "too cool" or too adult for now but secretly want to do.

The money will be there. You can make it work. Yes in theory right now, when you don't have any kids, the cost is a negative. But once you see them as individual human beings with hopes and dreams and goals and LOVE, you will probably get real happiness from spending money on their education or for ballet classes or soccer camp, etc. At least that's what my parents told me :lol:


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

MxRacer965 said:


> This is probably me browsing the web learning as much as I could and reading and seeing all kinds of horror stories (theshapeofamother.com has a lot of these) about all the changes these women encountered and didn't like. Temporary "deformation" is unavoidable with a 8lb object in your abdominal cavity and while temporary, can leave permanent affects. Stretch marks, flabby belly that never goes away, urinary incontinence, sexual issues, saggy breasts, wider hips, extra skin, etc. are all on the table and possibilities. Each one is completely avoidable by simply not having kids. I never said she certainly would have these issues, but they are a possibility (and again, see the topic of this thread...I probably see this and only this because of my fathers negativity growning up). At any rate I certainly wouldn't want any of that to happen to me. I realize we all change throughout life but 9 months is a pretty quick change in the grand scheme of things. Especially over something that isn't a necessity.


It's very telling, your use of the word "deformation" and it's negative connotations. Astute though to see where it's come from.

So, these changes... Would they be a dealbreaker? What I mean is, you see them as negative, but how would you feel if I were to say I have heard many women who have had children talk about the changes in their bodies such as stretch marks, as a map of the amazing thing their body has been able to do? Are you worried you wouldn't be as attracted to your wife if she had stretch marks/a baby belly/muffin top/etc?



MxRacer965 said:


> Excellent memory, yes, she was a freshman, I was a senior. Obviously the body issues won't affect me directly, but they still bother me and I don't understand why someone would WILLINGLY do that to themselves and put themselves through it. I don't think that I would. And as far as feeling like it is the worst thing that could happen to you, that is EXACTLY how I have felt for as long as I can remember. I just haven't gotten past that part and progressed into the "kids are good" and "I'm not a college student anymore, I'm married, just turned 30, have a house, a good job and now is the time for them". Again, that whole "kids are bad" transitioning to "kids are good" you mention is what I keep thinking to. Something bad somehow starts to be good? WTH? :scratchhead:


I think you are in a good position to work on this. Really, in a positive way- deal with it. It's going to happen, so you have to don't you?

When I got pregnant with mine and OH's first child, I remember cheerfully telling him what the baby was like at however-many weeks gestation. He was suitably unimpressed at this and pretty much everything else baby-related. He wasn't negative, rather indifferent and I got to the point of confronting him about it. He insisted he was bothered, but the really telling insight came AFTER baby was born. He was completely enamoured with our son (has been ever since, our son's a real daddy's boy) and told me that whilst I was pregnant, although he was pleased, he didn't really "feel" it as he had nothing physical himself to occupy his body and therefore his thoughts - he actually admitted he forgot I was pregnant at times! But when baby was born, that was it for him, he was smitten. Don't know if you've heard the saying, a mother is a mother from conception but a father is a father after the birth? I can understand it now.

Just remember that your father's experience is his, not yours. You need to bear that in mind


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Anyone else want to share how they think their rearing has caused issues in their relationship? I know I'm at fault for lots of things but I'm beginning to think my low self-esteem is the biggest factor in my relationship issues.


I think the majority of us have messed up parents- who have made their share of mistakes along the way. But eventually we have to come to realize this has no bearing on how our relationships will be with our spouses- today. In fact, many of us can say- we have learned from our parents mistakes what NOT to do in our lives, marraiges. 

In my parents case, they married too young & for all the wrong reasons. My dad thought he would DIE without having sex & my Mom was guilt tripped into marrying because her Mother kept baggering her about sinning. They married smack out of high school. What she really wanted was to go to College, so that was dashed as I suddenly came along. Then on top of that, she was never terribly physically attracted to my dad who had a HUSKY frame, never overweight, but a little muscular. She liked THIN as a rail men, just more appealing to her somehow. (ironically me also). So the sex suffered, also her discontenment with staying home. They used to fight openly in front of me. Nothing was concealed. Best thing that happened was their DIVORCE, I was the only decent thing that came from their Union. 

Dad went on to marry his Soul mate, which happened to be a friend of both of theirs for many yrs, still very happily married to this day. Mom was forever a little messed up- sleeping with many men carelessly after the divorce, this destoyed her & much of her self -esteem. Married a couple times afterwards to really messed up men (addictions/mental issues), never FOUND lasting love. She says she does not believe in it. Very Sad. 

So I learned from this, my parents, - to make da** sure what I want out of my life before I marry anyone, what kind of man I want, one that I find his body physically attractive, and not to destroy myself (like she did) sleeping around with guys who had ZERO care . My mother was absent from my teen years, so I became quite the adult & independent but a little angry that she was not there. I leaned more on friendships than either of my parents or step mom when I was growing up and even today, I am much closer to friends than family. 

None of us have to repeat the mistakes of our parents. Try to learn what caused them to fall, and avoid those in our own lives, as best we can.


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## Jenniferm (Jan 11, 2011)

I do think that our parents have a huge impact on how we see and react in our marriages. They model to us as adults and we seem to accept or not accept, but we think that is that.
I had a very stressful life living with my parents, in a way dysfunctional marraige. Fighting, my father control freak, my mother deevloped a nervous illness and transfered all this to me and my sister. So now, my sister is also very nervous and has problems, and I also have gotten all that stress and hate yelling, screaming and fighting , and have not developed a lot of affectionate attitude, as theyw ere alwasy cold, never saw them kiss or treat each other nicely( But unfortunately you cannot choose your parents.


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