# Text Message Question



## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Guys - what would you do if your wife's best friend's husband sent her the following text: "Thinking of you. You make me smile."

Ladies - how would you respond to the above text?

Thanks.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Inappropriate (the husband).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, that's inappropriate.

What does your wife say about it?

I would forward it to his wife.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

waylan said:


> Guys - what would you do if your wife's best friend's husband sent her the following text: "Thinking of you. You make me smile."
> 
> Ladies - how would you respond to the above text?


I would respond "forwarding to the hubs to see if it makes him smile."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha! Good one, Committed!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Out of line...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I would respond:
"F*ck off"
and 
"I'll be nice and assume you sent this to me by mistake...one time."


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Totally inappropriate. What was your wife's response when she got the text? If I got a text like that from one of my friends' husband, I would quickly reply with a "This message is very inappropriate. The main person that should make you smile is your wife. Do not send me such a message anymore." If it happened again, then I would screenshot everything & send it to my friend.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Oops I actually miss-read it. I thought it was the husband's best male friend. In that case I would respond:

"oops I see you meant to send this to your wife. Want me to forward it to her?"

Either way it would get forwarded. No pass whatsoever.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Divorce the cheating wh0re!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Oops I actually miss-read it. I thought it was the husband's best male friend. In that case I would respond:
> 
> "oops I see you meant to send this to your wife. Want me to forward it to her?"



Haha. Even better!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Divorce the cheating wh0re!


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

JustTired said:


> Totally inappropriate. What was your wife's response when she got the text? If I got a text like that from one of my friends' husband, I would quickly reply with a "This message is very inappropriate. The main person that should make you smile is your wife. Do not send me such a message anymore." If it happened again, then I would screenshot everything & send it to my friend.


No response (no reply back) - she completely ignored it.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

waylan said:


> No response (no reply back) - she completely ignored it.


I guess it isn't a bad thing that she totally disregarded that message. But I worry that the other guy is bonehead enough to do it again since your wife didn't actually tell him to not send her messages like that. I think your wife may have to draw a boundary with this dude or show her friend the message. It has to stop either way. Has your wife made mention as to whether this is a first time occurrence?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

waylan said:


> No response (no reply back) - she completely ignored it.


Thats good, but how did she ACT about it? For me, if I had gotten something like that, and there was nothing going on between us, I would have laughed and showed it to you, saying "what a dork!" then texting him back something like, "um...pretty sure that needs to go to your WIFE?!" However, if something WERE going on, probably straight face, ignore the text, deflect your attention or something. 

See what I mean here??


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

waylan said:


> Guys - what would you do if your wife's best friend's husband sent her the following text: "Thinking of you. You make me smile."
> 
> Ladies - how would you respond to the above text?
> 
> Thanks.





waylan said:


> No response (no reply back) - she completely ignored it.


Question... Does your wife know that you're aware of the text?

Either way, it's now time to let the wife's best friend know what's up.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

waylan said:


> Guys - what would you do if your wife's best friend's husband sent her the following text: "Thinking of you. You make me smile."
> 
> Ladies - how would you respond to the above text?
> 
> Thanks.


I'd send back a text from my wife's phone.

"Thinking of you too but not smiling. Waylan"


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

What were the texts that lead up that? Or was it out of the blue the only one?

And did your wife show you it, or did you find it yourself?


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Wife does not know that I know - she never mentioned it. 

I know exactly what he was up to - he was probing for a weakness but not doing anything directly overt to protect himself. Just enough that he could explain away. Every few months for about a year he would send her text that probed just slightly. One was - "You have no idea how talented you are - thank you xoxoxox". Pretty sure my wife had made some dresses for their kids at that time but the added text hugs and kisses was another attempt.

He did do something stupid/weird/bizarre a few weeks ago that freaked my wife out and she wants no contact with him. She won't even talk to him on the phone - she hands the phone right over to me.

He had called her at night - we were already in bed - and said that he needed to drop something off for her. She told him (I was there) that we were already in bed but he was insistent. We both assumed it was baked goods that his wife had made. When she opens the door - he gives her a bouquet of flowers and kisses her on the cheek. Tells her thank you for always being there for me - and is crying with tears streaming down his face. My wife told him you should give these to your wife and his response was not worry that she received flowers as well. My wife got rid of him and threw the flowers away.

I told her that he had a crush on her and her response was no way. She thinks he was suicidal and saying good bye to folks that have been nice to him.

Guess I just wanted a women's perspective on the tactic of ignoring these type of texts versus telling him to ****** off right away?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You should have posted all of that in the original post.

Either he is having a mental breakdown or he likes your wife.

It's good she refused his flowers and also told him you were home and give syou the phone and didn't respond to him. 

I think e has some nerve STILL showing up at your house, with flowers and trying to kiss her knowing you ARE THERE.

WTF? 

She is going to have to tel him firmly that he is making her feel uncomfortable and she considers what he is doing/has been doing very inappropriate and disrespectful to both you and his wife and your marriages.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Until either you or her put a stop to this, its never going to end.

Of course he keeps trying, he hasnt been completely shut down by your wife.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Sounds like your W is doing all the right things here, and its time YOU get in the POS's face and tell him to stay the F away from YOUR W !

Time to stand your ground my man


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

waylan said:


> Wife does not know that I know - she never mentioned it.
> 
> I know exactly what he was up to - he was probing for a weakness but not doing anything directly overt to protect himself. Just enough that he could explain away. Every few months for about a year he would send her text that probed just slightly. One was - "You have no idea how talented you are - thank you xoxoxox". Pretty sure my wife had made some dresses for their kids at that time but the added text hugs and kisses was another attempt.
> 
> ...





barbados said:


> *Sounds like your W is doing all the right things here*, and its time YOU get in the POS's face and tell him to stay the F away from YOUR W !
> 
> Time to stand your ground my man


Almost. She needs to admit that this guy has feelings for her and not deny it.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Found it myself. We went through a really tough time for about a month last year and I went on a recon mission. She came back totally clean as far as a possible affair. I did learn she complains to her friends that I am cheap - which is interesting since I make well into six figures, she doesn't work at all, and we have almost no savings (we spend it as fast as I make it.) She was also fighting cats and dogs with her mother the same month. Even our kids started to avoid her like the plague. Still not sure what happened - one day it just stopped and she was sweet and loving again. (So it just wasn't me.)



Adeline said:


> What were the texts that lead up that? Or was it out of the blue the only one?
> 
> And did your wife show you it, or did you find it yourself?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

waylan said:


> Wife does not know that I know - she never mentioned it.
> 
> I know exactly what he was up to - he was probing for a weakness but not doing anything directly overt to protect himself. Just enough that he could explain away. Every few months for about a year he would send her text that probed just slightly. One was - "You have no idea how talented you are - thank you xoxoxox". Pretty sure my wife had made some dresses for their kids at that time but the added text hugs and kisses was another attempt.
> 
> ...


It's *WAAAAAY* past time for you to crush this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Waylan, you should say something to him.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

I was going to the next day - but my wife talked me out of it. She was afraid I'd lose my temper and end up in prison. She also was afraid that it would destroy her friendship with her friend - as I was going to tell him that the next time he showed up at my house he was going the **** kicked out of him. Finally - she is afraid that he is suicidal and if I confronted him he would should up at our house with a gun when he finally decided to the deed.

Our compromise was that he is pretty much banned from the house and if he pulls another stunt that I will go have a talk with him. She declared no contact on her own.

She did tell his wife - but she does nothing. She has really low self esteem and lets this piece of trash get away with murder. Dude hasn't worked in 4 years, doesn't do anything around the house, sleeps all day, etc.

I should also add - he bought and delivered flowers for 3 other married women in our neighborhood and then went home and told his wife what he done. This was probably the biggest piece in me agreeing not to confront about him.



barbados said:


> Sounds like your W is doing all the right things here, and its time YOU get in the POS's face and tell him to stay the F away from YOUR W !
> 
> Time to stand your ground my man


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

waylan said:


> Guess I just wanted a women's perspective on the tactic of ignoring these type of texts versus telling him to ****** off right away?


I think it depends on the woman. I like a "take charge" man so I would be thoroughly frustrated and disappointed with my H not addressing this directly with him. But as I said earlier, my H would have known about the text right away.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Janky said:


> Until either you or her put a stop to this, its never going to end.
> 
> Of course he keeps trying, he hasnt been completely shut down by your wife.


I am inclined to agree with Janky. Someone has to put this dude in his place. Not only is he inappropriate, he is down right disrespectful to your marriage, you & your wife. If your wife doesn't want to say something to him, then I think you absolutely should.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Also - she doesn't know that I know about the texts. For all I know she doesn't even remember them. So I couldn't bring them up.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> I think it depends on the woman. I like a "take charge" man so I would be thoroughly frustrated and disappointed with my H not addressing this directly with him. But as I said earlier, my H would have known about the text right away.


That wouldn't have gone over well. She would not haven't gotten passed the point of my "snooping" on her. She would also have said that I was way over-reacting....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My feeling is that if a guy was contacting me like this I would tell me to STEP THE F0CK OFF. 

But that is because I have zero qualms whatsoever about telling someone their behavior is making me uncomfortable and is way out of line/inappropriate.

Waylan, I would say something to him. Truly.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

waylan said:


> Dude hasn't worked in 4 years, doesn't do anything around the house, sleeps all day, etc.


Hasn't worked in 4 years? Seriously? 

Please tell me his is disabled and gets a check. Because if my husband took money that I earned and bought flowers for other women, I would go ballistic. 

I could not support a man unless he was sick or between jobs.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

waylan said:


> Our compromise was that he is pretty much banned from the house and if he pulls another stunt that I will go have a talk with him. *She declared no contact on her own.*


OK, sooooo... why hasn't she blocked his number?


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Worse. He recently received his "settlement" check and told her it was his and put it in a private account. She doesn't even know how much he got.



committed4ever said:


> Hasn't worked in 4 years? Seriously?
> 
> Please tell me his is disabled and gets a check. Because if my husband took money that I earned and bought flowers for other women, I would go ballistic.
> 
> I could not support a man unless he was sick or between jobs.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Hasn't worked in 4 years? Seriously?
> 
> Please tell me his is disabled and gets a check. *Because if my husband took money that I earned and bought flowers for other women, I would go ballistic*.
> 
> I could not support a man unless he was sick or between jobs.


IKR!!!

"Yes, Pat, I'd like to buy a f*cking clue!"


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

waylan said:


> That wouldn't have gone over well. She would not haven't gotten passed the point of my "snooping" on her. She would also have said that I was way over-reacting....



Well, you know your wife. How do you feel about "no snooping"? Your honest thoughts.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

waylan said:


> Worse. He recently received his "settlement" check and told her it was his and put it in a private account. She doesn't even know how much he got.


How do you know all this about his marriage?


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> OK, sooooo... why hasn't she blocked his number?


Because her friend will ask my wife to occasionally watch her kids and sometimes he picks them up - since she works and he doesn't. My wife won't watch them now unless I am home to make the exchange.

My gut tells me that I should make it damn clear that he isn't welcome anymore - but that hurts his wife and kids to a certain degree. Although this whole mess is driving apart my wife's friendship as well - since her friend only complains but refuses to take any action - regardless of circumstance. Friends parents even told her they would foot any divorce costs and she could live with them. No action though.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm actually feeling sorry for the guy, he clearly has issues.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> How do you know all this about his marriage?


Do you find it odd, Jellybean? My poor H! I tell him everything I know about everything. I guess I talk too much.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> How do you know all this about his marriage?


My wife.... We do talk alot..  (And by we I mean she talks alot lol)

Plus some he shared with me on his own - before I cut him off. Like his plan to take a year off the marriage - get a small apartment and re-find himself. Needless to say I wasn't supportive of his position.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Well, you know your wife. How do you feel about "no snooping"? Your honest thoughts.


Mixed feelings - I felt dirty about doing it and relieved that there was nothing at the same time. I blame TAM for snooping - I came here and thought - hey that is a red flag and that is a red flag.... etc. LOL.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Do you find it odd, Jellybean? My poor H! I tell him everything I know about everything. I guess I talk too much.


I do. Considering he knows all these very personal things about him yet won't say something to him that is very personally affecting him.

It's like, I know all these things about you but won't say the one thing that is bothering me about you.

Just odd.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

waylan said:


> Because her friend will ask my wife to occasionally watch her kids and sometimes he picks them up - since she works and he doesn't. My wife won't watch them now unless I am home to make the exchange.
> 
> My gut tells me that I should make it damn clear that he isn't welcome anymore - but that hurts his wife and kids to a certain degree. Although this whole mess is driving apart my wife's friendship as well - since her friend only complains but refuses to take any action - regardless of circumstance. Friends parents even told her they would foot any divorce costs and she could live with them. No action though.


OK then, new approach -- all comms now go through you.



waylan said:


> My wife.... We do talk alot..  (And by we I mean she talks alot lol)
> 
> Plus some he shared with me on his own - before I cut him off. Like his plan to take a year off the marriage - get a small apartment and re-find himself. Needless to say I wasn't supportive of his position.


LOL... It sounds like he's already taken about _*four* years_ "off" from his marriage, what's one more?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I wouldn't be cool with any of it.

The flowers would have made me go nuclear. The fact he did something after that, I wouldn't be able to put up with it.

I don't know the motivations of your wife, whether what she says at face value is genuine or she is enjoying the extra attention, at this point I wouldn't care. This guy is actively trying to get your woman, and that wouldn't fly with me.

He had his chances, I'd kick him out. Meaning, no contact with him anymore, put him on blast to his wife, and ending the friendship if necessary. However important the friendship is, it's not worth your marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

COguy said:


> I wouldn't be cool with any of it.
> 
> The flowers would have made me go nuclear. The fact he did something after that, I wouldn't be able to put up with it.
> 
> ...


I agree w/ all of ^this, most especially the part in bold.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

COguy said:


> I wouldn't be cool with any of it.
> 
> The flowers would have made me go nuclear. The fact he did something after that, I wouldn't be able to put up with it.
> 
> ...


Nothing has happened after the flowers.... Still pisses me off though.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I do. Considering he knows all these very personal things about him yet won't say something to him that is very personally affecting him.
> 
> It's like, I know all these things about you but won't say the one thing that is bothering me about you.
> 
> Just odd.


I did want to say something. My wife asked me not to. I just brought it up again... As a women help me frame a response... I did agree the morning after to not confront him unless something else happened because she was terrified he was going to kill himself and possible take others with him. (I don't think he has the stones myself...)

Names adjusted.....

Me:
I think I should have a talk with him - and let him know he is no longer welcome at our house. Part of his problem is he does **** and then doesn’t suffer any consequences from it.
Wife:
He is unstable. I am afraid he will do something to you. Yes you can take him but if he has a gun or knife you can't win. Also if he threw a punch and u defended yourself I have no doubt he would call the cops saying u started it etc. then he would be the type to lawyer up thinking he could make a fast buck.
He also might take it out on Wife's friend or the girls.
Me:
I was going to call him. If he shows up after that I have a legal right to defend my family.
Wife:
Still don't think it is a good idea. If he calls me or the house you answer and can tell him that but going to him not a good idea. He will play the poor me to every one in town. Take it out on Wife's friend and the girls I am sure
Me:
I don’t give two ****s about what people in town think. Wife's friend is doing nothing to solve the problem. What are you going to do if he stops by and I’m not around?
Wife:
Not answer the door. If he doesn't leave call cops


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

OMG. Sometimes I read things on TAM and I am like, is that for real how people are? 

I have to hand it to him. This guy has got some big BA***. 

WOW.....I can't even imagine what my husband would have done to him. He probably wouldnt have his ba*** anymore.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I do. Considering he knows all these very personal things about him yet won't say something to him that is very personally affecting him.
> 
> *It's like, I know all these things about you but won't say the one thing that is bothering me about you.*
> 
> Just odd.


Oh, yeah this part is odd. I thought you meant the fact that he knows stuff about him.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Guy here. Its time for your intervention, your W can't handle it. It scares her. 

I'd text him back with these texts, one at a time. 

"MY WIFE IS HERE TO MAKE ME SMILE. NOT YOU" 

"Start paying attention to your wife, not mine"

"BTW, Your wife is going to pay more attention to you. I just forward the text you sent my wife to her. Good luck."

Th


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I totally understand and admit we BS's are paranoid and overreact where *every* little thing is a clear-cut sign of cheating -- but are you completely sure they didn't at least have an inapproriate 'moment', and she's now put a stop to it (like maybe back when she had her sudden change of behavior), and he is now either trying to win her over the edge, or win her back (and doing a bad job of it)? 

As to her probably "not even remembering" his text, no way sorry.
She protects him, from you, but has not even copped to receiving the text... NOT an innocent one, btw, and it just seems like she's downplaying his actions, which admittedly welcomes more, instead of putting an end to it. 

Just sayin' he is either REALLY odd and over the edge (yes, sounds like it) or she's done more welcoming of his games in the past than is being admitted... 

Or quite probably I am just triggering over the flowers and her tossing them in the garbage (just as my stbx did).

Either way, she is clearly not going to draw a line, so you're going to have to. It doesn't have to be a big showy confrontational ass-kicking. it can be civil, just by letting him know the antics are now over and you are in the loop and not going to be rolled over like his and your wife are.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you really believe that this POS is really mentally unstable or is this your wife over-reacting. If he is, then report him to the authorities immediately and let them deal with him. Mention that your wife thinks he might harm people around him and make sure that you mention why she believes this (and by the way, why does she believe this?)


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Guy here. Its time for your intervention, you W can't handle it. It scares her.
> 
> I'd text him back with these texts, one at a time.
> 
> ...


That text was from last summer and my wife doesn't know that I saw it. In honesty - I'd bet she doesn't even remember it. Going there would open up a can of worms that would be bad for me.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Your wife sure doesn't want you to talk to him...that is kind of concerning. You should despite what she says. This is your MARRIAGE dude.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

Dude, as someone who went through something very similar, I would find some way to squash this as absolutely quickly as possible. This guy is quickly flirting with the realm of stalkerish, and he could continue to get worse.

Like you, I listened to my wife, who was friends with his wife, and didn't put it down like I should have. Several months later we were talking to the police about restraining orders.

Not kidding, bro.


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## Binji (Jun 25, 2014)

Too much talking, not enough action. Whats up with the fear of prison on this site in regards to confronting a man over his wife? I've never seen two men go to prison over a fight. Its hard to believe you'll be going to prison if you confront him face to face. Your next post should be about what you have done. Forget how your wife feels about snooping. Interlopers have to be weeded out at all costs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Text Message Question*



waylan said:


> That text was from last summer and my wife doesn't know that I saw it. In honesty - I'd bet she doesn't even remember it. Going there would open up a can of worms that would be bad for me.


Sorry Waylan. I missed that. 

What's his status today? Do you Keep an eye on him?

It's not your problem he's nuts. Of course your W feels bad for her friend and kids. But you need boundaries with unstable people, to protect your family. Those boundaries are for you not them, that's just the way it is. You can't take care of everyone.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

waylan said:


> Nothing has happened after the flowers.... Still pisses me off though.


Didn't he just message her saying he loved her?

If there is a concern that he's suicidal, call the authorities. That's not your responsibility anymore, and it sure as hell isn't your wife's. At this point you both are enabling him.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Your wife sure doesn't want you to talk to him...that is kind of concerning. You should despite what she says. This is your MARRIAGE dude.


:iagree:


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

waylan said:


> Plus some he shared with me on his own - before I cut him off. Like his plan to take a year off the marriage - get a small apartment and re-find himself.


 He just told you that when the settlement came, he was going "to take a year off the marriage" (start dating other women), and get a singles pad to take them to. The flowers to multiple other wives was to find out who was interested.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Do you really believe that this POS is really mentally unstable or is this your wife over-reacting. If he is, then report him to the authorities immediately and let them deal with him. Mention that your wife thinks he might harm people around him and make sure that you mention why she believes this (and by the way, why does she believe this?)


Cmon dude. Law Enforcement is going to get involved on what basis? Has acted violently? No. Has he made threats of violence? No. He dropped off flowers to a few women in town as thank you gifts - call in SWAT.

I do think my wife is over reacting - I think the guy definitely has mental problems but not shoot up the neighborhood crazy - more the world is against me - woe is me crazy.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Sorry Waylan. I missed that.
> 
> What's his status today? Do you Keep an eye on him?
> 
> It's not your problem he's nuts. Of course your W feels bad for her friend and kids. But you need boundaries with unstable people, to protect your family. Those boundaries are for you not them, that's just the way it is. You can't take care of everyone.


My wife has had zero contact with him since the flowers. He's called once to say that he wasn't going to be able to pick his daughter up who we were babysitting and I talked to him. He gave me a new time - but ended up not showing up at all. His wife came after work to pick her up.

The problem is I have knowledge of couple texts that I feel were inappropriate. Now these are 3 or 4 texts that have no overt sexual innuendo - Nothing like you are smoking hot, I would love to do x with you, etc. Mostly just a poke once in awhile with over the top compliments. The rest were mainly around picking or dropping his kids off, stuff like that. Maybe 20 texts over the course of a year - so not alot of volume either. Knowing my wife she would argue that they weren't come ons- that he was just trying to be nice and then she nails me for invading her privacy..

The other issue is that he delivered the flowers to my wife and 3 other women in town and told his wife about when he got home. My wife stance is that if he wanted to hit on her - he wouldn't do it when I was home and then why would he drop flowers off for other women as well. Also why would he then tell his wife?


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

COguy said:


> Didn't he just message her saying he loved her?
> 
> If there is a concern that he's suicidal, call the authorities. That's not your responsibility anymore, and it sure as hell isn't your wife's. At this point you both are enabling him.


Nope. Not sure where you pulled that from. Someone else posted on another thread that her husbands female friend told him that she loved him - maybe you have the two threads jumbled.

If he had sent her anything that direct - I wouldn't care about getting caught snooping.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

TRy said:


> He just told you that when the settlement came, he was going "to take a year off the marriage" (start dating other women), and get a singles pad to take them to. The flowers to multiple other wives was to find out who was interested.


That's what I thought. My wife disagreed and said why would he do it at night - when everyones spouse was home?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Simply put and for the lack of a technical diagnosis, he's nuts. A person like that doesn't conform to logic. So your wife trying to compare his behaviors to what she would expect from normal people is a mistake.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

waylan said:


> Cmon dude. Law Enforcement is going to get involved on what basis? Has acted violently? No. Has he made threats of violence? No. He dropped off flowers to a few women in town as thank you gifts - call in SWAT.
> 
> I do think my wife is over reacting - I think the guy definitely has mental problems but not shoot up the neighborhood crazy - more the world is against me - woe is me crazy.


Whether intended or not this is a bit of a bait and switch. Where the OP gets advice to be firm and then they start defending the enabling behavior.

No indeed, you are allowing your marriage to be impacted by some other guy. You and your ife are enabling his bad behavior. He is manipulating all of you.

IF he has a serious issue where he may harm himself then the tough love thing is to not enable him. But rather call him out so he can get some help. Someone truly disturbed in the manner. Otherwise he may not hurt himself but may put you and you family at risk.

You just do not play with things like this. Shut it down. Clearly. You marriage is your responsibility not this other guy.

You are being way too nice a guy. This bothers you. Take care of it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

waylan said:


> Cmon dude. Law Enforcement is going to get involved on what basis? Has acted violently? No. Has he made threats of violence? No. He dropped off flowers to a few women in town as thank you gifts - call in SWAT.
> 
> I do think my wife is over reacting - I think the guy definitely has mental problems but not shoot up the neighborhood crazy - more the world is against me - woe is me crazy.


Then shut him down. He is acting like he has had an affair with your wife and that he is unable to let her go. Assuming this is not the case, he is delusional. That IS potentially dangerous.

You should monitor the situation and if he makes another attempt, you should intervene. So there is no doubt. This is yet another example of someone pushing bounaries and folks are trying to too polite and considerate of the person pushing the boundaries.

Also you were willing to assert your feelings with a poster on here. Good for you. Use that assertion on this guy.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Entropy3000 said:


> Then shut him down. He is acting like he has had an affair with your wife and that he is unable to let her go.


This I don't see. If he had just dropped off flowers to my wife - maybe. But 3 other women as well and then running home and telling his wife about it? I think it was more of something he did to try and piss his own wife off honestly.

The couple of text were definitely probing for a weakness though. Of course, I don't know about them:sleeping:.

Regardless - I have an understanding with my wife. If he makes any further contact - I will shut him down. My wife actually got our house key back from her friend today and gave her the copy we had of theirs. She understands that her friendship with this women isn't worth dealing with her crazy husband. (In the good old day we pet sit for each other on vacation and check the house while the other was on vacation.)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

waylan said:


> That text was from last summer and my wife doesn't know that I saw it. In honesty - I'd bet she doesn't even remember it. Going there would open up a can of worms that would be bad for me.


Ok I'm confused. The text was from last year and you are just now wanting to know how to respond to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

waylan said:


> That's what I thought. My wife disagreed and said why would he do it at night - when everyones spouse was home?


 Because if he did it when the spouses were not home they would all be pissed. This way he got to give the flowers and kisses and see the reaction from the wives without getting into too much trouble. Guess what it worked.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

waylan said:


> This I don't see. If he had just dropped off flowers to my wife - maybe. But 3 other women as well and then running home and telling his wife about it? I think it was more of something he did to try and piss his own wife off honestly.
> 
> The couple of text were definitely probing for a weakness though. Of course, I don't know about them:sleeping:.
> 
> Regardless - I have an understanding with my wife. If he makes any further contact - I will shut him down. My wife actually got our house key back from her friend today and gave her the copy we had of theirs. She understands that her friendship with this women isn't worth dealing with her crazy husband. (In the good old day we pet sit for each other on vacation and check the house while the other was on vacation.)


Well, you grabbed my statement out of context. LOL. I then say I assume this is not the case. But my take away is that he has this in his mind. He is not one with reality.

It is highly unlikely they made a copy of that key.

Me? I change the locks anyway. No big deal but I am then certain that no one ends up sneaking into my home.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

waylan said:


> That text was from last summer and my wife doesn't know that I saw it. In honesty - I'd bet she doesn't even remember it. Going there would open up a can of worms that would be bad for me.



Taking this at face value, you're not here because you think you're wife is cheating. You are here because you want to know what to do with this guy. 

I think you should screen shot the text message and send it to yourself. Then forward it to his wife. 

Block him from your wife's phone. 

Let the chips fall where they may.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

waylan said:


> That text was from *last summer *and my wife doesn't know that I saw it. In honesty - I'd bet she doesn't even remember it. Going there would open up a can of worms that would be bad for me.


Waylan, this text was completely inappropriate, especially given the flowers.

It's obvious that this thing is escalating quickly, and you are right to be concerned about it a year after the fact.

You need to tell this guy to stay the heck away. I suggest letting him know what you think in no uncertain terms.

Some time in July, 2017 sounds about right.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So the puzzlement is the title of the thread. Indeed this is the OPs question. About a year ago. 

However, a few weeks ago is when the really weird thing happened. The flowers and kiss. I think most of us are more concerned about that. The text from a year ago just supports that this is a long term infatuation. He indicated he did some checking.

So this thing a few weeks ago is a ... BOOM!!!!

Not just a trivial addition. How do we know he gave other women flowers? What did thier husband s think?
Did he kiss them too? This guy is nukcenfutts.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think it's weird that you let you wife answer the door by herself, at night, after bedtime.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Totally agree. WEIRD. Especially after she passed him the phone and guy said he was coming over.

I'm a single now but if I was married, my exH would have surely met his a$$ at the door.

Tell this guy to step off. The person who said to take a screenshot of the message and forward it to his wife was SPOT ON.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I think it's weird that you let you wife answer the door by herself, at night, after bedtime.


That struck me as dubious as well. If some guy wanted to see my wife at night, I would be answering that door IF it was answered at all.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> That struck me as dubious as well. If some guy wanted to see my wife at night, I would be answering that door IF it was answere at all.


:iagree::wtf::slap:
I'd be c)ckblocking


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tom67 said:


> :iagree::wtf::slap:
> I'd be c)ckblocking


Agreed. And if the excuse was that he might kill himself I would be VERY concerned. That is someone who is mentally imbalanced. Even if I thought it was over dramatic I would treat it that way because I would sense someone trying to manipulate me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Agreed. And if the excuse was that he might kill himself I would be VERY concerned. That is someone who is mentally imbalanced. Even if I thought it was over dramatic I would treat that way because I would sense someone trying to manipulate me.


:iagree:
Or worse murder suicide.
This bs has to end now.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

The visit at the door with flowers and a kiss is more concerning but the text is tangible evidence that can be sent to his wife. 

This can be difficult with years of training that you should respect her privacy. This is a fallacy. Husband and wife should reasonably expect that their communications are subject to inspection. Especially when there is a neighbor showing his intentions to woo your wife. 

Set this boundary now with your wife or later with your post divorce girlfriend.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Its inappropriate- 

also- what did your wife do prior to this text to allow him to think it was okay to send that text?

Even if i was the type of person to flirt/go after someone else's spouse - my first text to them- wouldn't be "thinking of you, you make me smile"- until i got some assurance that he was going to find it acceptable.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

True, but there are guys out there who still press past anyway... Have experienced that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This reminds me of the pancakes thread. Where the incident happened a year ago and the OP was wondering what to do now.


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## Nigel Pinchley (Jul 29, 2014)

jellybeans said:


> this reminds me of the pancakes thread. Where the incident happened a year ago and the op was wondering what to do now.


oh god why would you mention that here

thread derailment imminent


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because there is a similarity in how the OP posted something that happened long ago and is concerned about it now.

Just odd that we see things like this post twice within a matter of days from each other.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Because there is a similarity in how the OP posted something that happened long ago and is concerned about it now.
> 
> Just odd that we see things like this post twice within a matter of days from each other.


Oh oh


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

IcePrincess28 said:


> Its inappropriate-
> 
> also- what did your wife do prior to this text to allow him to think it was okay to send that text?
> 
> Even if i was the type of person to flirt/go after someone else's spouse - my first text to them- wouldn't be "thinking of you, you make me smile"- until i got some assurance that he was going to find it acceptable.


IP, do you ice skate? Just wondering because I LOVE the sport (watching it, that is).

/end threadjack


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok I'm confused. The text was from last year and you are just now wanting to know how to respond to it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Negative. I was looking for validation that the text was indeed inappropriate. It pissed me off when I saw it - and I immediately took actions to cut this guy out of my families life. However - there was nothing directly sexual, etc about the message. My question was more of - am I overreacting on these or reading more into it then there really is.

Also - there is a timeline here that most people ignore. I found the texts last December - they pissed me off but I didn't feel at that time there was enough to directly confront him about them. I was pretty sure my wife and his would have responded with something like - "How cute - look how jealous waylan is." I'd also be putting my wife on notice that I had done on a recon mission her.

Fast forward to now - there had been nothing inappropriate between this guy and my wife for over a year. I had succeeded in boxing him out of my life for the most part. My wife had actually told his that she didn't want him around or to do things as a couple anymore. Then Mr. crazy shows up with flowers and gives my wife a peck on the cheek and thanks her "for being there".

My frame of mind immediately went to this ahole his hitting on you - because of those year old texts. My wife had a completely different viewpoint.....


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Totally agree. WEIRD. Especially after she passed him the phone and guy said he was coming over.
> 
> I'm a single now but if I was married, my exH would have surely met his a$$ at the door.
> 
> Tell this guy to step off. The person who said to take a screenshot of the message and forward it to his wife was SPOT ON.


You are brutal - in all your posts (not just mine) you seem to take inordinate pleasure in needling people and rearranging the facts to make the poster appear in the worst light. Why do you think that is?

This wasn't a stranger at the door - it was a friend of the family. There was no passing the phone at this time - and he was calling from outside our door - needing to drop something off. We both thought he was dropping off baked goods - because his wife had mentioned to mine that she was making some for my son.

I guess you would have anticipated the event though - and acted 100% accurately to boot. 

I wish I had answered the door - because I would have told him to f&ck off. He hasn't been back since - blowing off picking up his kid once he realized I was home....


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

waylan said:


> Cmon dude. Law Enforcement is going to get involved on what basis? Has acted violently? No. Has he made threats of violence? No. He dropped off flowers to a few women in town as thank you gifts - call in SWAT.
> 
> I do think my wife is over reacting - I think the guy definitely has mental problems but not shoot up the neighborhood crazy - more the world is against me - woe is me crazy.


I did not mean law enforcement but was thinking more along the lines of suicidal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

waylan said:


> You are brutal - in all your posts (not just mine) you seem to take inordinate pleasure in needling people and rearranging the facts to make the poster appear in the worst light. Why do you think that is?
> 
> This wasn't a stranger at the door - *it was a friend of the family.* There was no passing the phone at this time - and he was calling from outside our door - needing to drop something off.


This guy isn't your FRIEND, though. Don't you see that? He wants on your wife. 

Brutal? No. I am just being honest about what I would do which is what you asked:



waylan said:


> Guess I just wanted a women's perspective on the tactic of ignoring these type of texts versus telling him to ****** off right away?


So I was giving you my perspective. You asked for a woman's perspective and you got it (amongst a myriad of other posters' who have all more or less said the same exact thing). Sometimes the truth makes us feel defensive. You already know this guy is way out of line. You have not done anything about it. There is an old/cliche saying that is spot on:

_When you do the same thing over and over again, you can expect the same result_. 

I would not ignore this. I would tell him to FCK OFF, as many others have told you in this thread. Not sure why you are singling me out. We are not telling you to do this because we have your "worst" interest. We are telling you this because this guy is extremely OUT of line and escalating his attempts to contact your wife/buy her flowers, try to KISS her at your marital home...and you have sat idly by. 

Mark your territory! "This is my wife. STEP THE FCK OFF."


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

IcePrincess28 said:


> Its inappropriate-
> 
> also- what did your wife do prior to this text to allow him to think it was okay to send that text?
> 
> Even if i was the type of person to flirt/go after someone else's spouse - my first text to them- wouldn't be "thinking of you, you make me smile"- until i got some assurance that he was going to find it acceptable.


To be honest - this crossed my mind. Which is another reason why I didn't confront him or my wife about it. Isn't that the advice that everyone here gives? Don't blow your cover and monitor/investigate instead until you find something substantial? Was that really substantial enough for a confrontation - and if there was something going would I have driven it underground? Sometimes - I guess you just can't win.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Because there is a similarity in how the OP posted something that happened long ago and is concerned about it now.
> 
> Just odd that we see things like this post twice within a matter of days from each other.


Yeah - you are really looking to help me out by posting stuff like this. Thanks so much.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Because there is a similarity in how the OP posted something that happened long ago and is concerned about it now.
> 
> Just odd that we see things like this post twice within a matter of days from each other.


I started to post exactly this. But backed off. 

A quirk of the year old thing not dealt with. A triangle with a guy pushing boundaries and irritating hubby. A variation of friends.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

waylan said:


> Negative. I was looking for validation that the text was indeed inappropriate. It pissed me off when I saw it - and I immediately took actions to cut this guy out of my families life. However - there was nothing directly sexual, etc about the message. My question was more of - am I overreacting on these or reading more into it then there really is.
> 
> Also - there is a timeline here that most people ignore. I found the texts last December - they pissed me off but I didn't feel at that time there was enough to directly confront him about them. I was pretty sure my wife and his would have responded with something like - "How cute - look how jealous waylan is." I'd also be putting my wife on notice that I had done on a recon mission her.
> 
> ...


Assuming there was no contact for a year. He is unbalanced. 

BUT, while I do not press this per se. In the back of your mind you do need to wonder.

In either case. I think you should have confronted this guy. But that is just me. I get the position of just making sure he is NC.

I have said this time and time again. All too often a spouse can see things more clearly from their thrid party view. What am I saying. It is greta your wife has her viewpoint. Respect that. Ideally you work as a team. But sometimes a spouse has to act on what they see and what their personal boundaries are. This is not just up to her.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> There was no passing the phone at this time - and he was calling from outside our door - needing to drop something off.


Wait, what! Some guy "friend" is calling from the other side of the front door at night, (like Romeo, lol) and you don't answer the door? I don't care if it was someone I knew ,both my husband and I would think it's odd and HE would answer the door. He wouldn't let me answer the door alone at night.

ETA: Is this for real?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

waylan said:


> You are brutal - in all your posts (not just mine) you seem to take inordinate pleasure in needling people and rearranging the facts to make the poster appear in the worst light. Why do you think that is?


He's right JB, you're BRUTAL! We've been wanting to tell you for a while but we feared the repercussions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> He's right JB, you're BRUTAL! We've been wanting to tell you for a while but we feared the repercussions.


(Me screaming): _You ... can't... handle... the truth! _ (as I pelt jellybeans at COg's head). 

Meh. Some folks get mad when they ask if something is wrong --and you tell them yes, it's wrong, and then they ask if they should do X about it--and you (along with every other poster) says yes, they should do X about it.

Then they get upset with you you.

It's not the first. Won't be the last. Them's the TAM breaks. 

YouknowwhatImsayinbro?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I have sadi this time and time again. All too often a spouse can see things more clearly from their thrid party view.


YES!


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> He wouldn't let me answer the door alone at night.
> 
> ETA: Is this for real?


Roleplaying as JellyBean:

He wouldn't let you answer your own door at 8:30 pm? What a control freak...... Guess your not "allowed" out at night either without him chaperoning you like a child. lol. You need to grow a spine girlfriend.

_____________________________________________________

This seems to be the defacto behavior here for most posters - grab a few details so you can rip into a person and ignore everything else. Always focus on the worst possible scenarios. Sad really.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

waylan said:


> Roleplaying as JellyBean:
> 
> He wouldn't let you answer your own door at 8:30 pm? What a control freak...... Guess your not "allowed" out at night either without him chaperoning you like a child. lol. You need to grow a spine girlfriend.


Once again, singling me out?

Sounds like I have a fan.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What was the point of your thread on TAM? You wanted opinions and advice on how to handle it/what people thought about this, and you received almost unanimous responses across the board on what you should do/how you should handle it. 



waylan said:


> This seems to be the defacto behavior here for most posters - grab a few details so you can rip into a person and ignore everything else. Always focus on the worst possible scenarios. Sad really.


What would you like us to tell you?

That you should do nothing? Ok. Keep doing nothing and being upset about it. Good luck.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

Either 1) This guy is truly that big of a wack job- that his alleged "first" text of bad/questionable nature was one telling ur W, "Thinking..... smile"

& after a year of "non contact" shows up at your door with flowers and a kiss...

or
2) There have been plenty of secret texts/communication in between the two incidents- both before that "first text" and in between that and the house call.

Question: When your wife handed you the phone that day when she got the text- how close were you to her when she got it. Did she come to you from the next room, or were you guys in the same room. Did the text make a audible noise on the phone. Have you ever been suspicious of her before this--- and asked/talked abt this "friend" of yours- that might cause you to look over at her phone when it buzzed- that made her feel obligated to hand you the phone. *One manipulation tactic commonly used in success is: lets say i'm ur W. To gain your trust- i tell you a series of AWFUL truths. And the more awful that truth is, and the more it seems that I didn't need to even tell u that truth- bc in ur opinion- you would've never found it out on your own- the more likely you are to trust me. Catch my drift?* So now u trust me, and/or i'm not the object of your scrutiny. So you focus on the wackjob. 

Altho I understand and agree with investigative procedures and not giving up that you're "on to them"- but its been a year now. Have you made any progress in finding something? Perhaps you haven't found anything- bc maybe its one of those rare instances where there actually IS nothing to be found. but then the door visit? 

How did that day transpire in terms of you and your wife's break down of that day. were you planning on going somewhere (errand maybe) and changed plans last minute. Was your wife planning on running an errand and changed her mind. Was she on the phone or computer that day- in a way that might've drawn your attention. 

It is too weird. If she is indeed reciprocating his advances- she would probably lie. and just be on high alert for a couple weeks of her behavior. Do you have IPhone? Theres an online service thats directed for parents. You pay for a monthly subscription. You go online- set up your account, naming her IMessage as the account that you want to screen. You will need her IMessage password. I believe you won't need any access to her phone to do all this. But i am not sure. and i also am not sure if the first initial setup might send her an alert to make sure she is protected and not being attacked by a virus/scammer etc. But after that you will see everything she sends and receives. Even a map i believe- of her whereabouts- or her whereabouts when she gets/sends texts, calls. I would do this for no more than a month. (actually i wouldn't do it at all. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me. and I sure as sh!t can't handle all that comes with knowing too much of what someone says when they think no one is listening.) Then cancel your subscription.

If you have Android- I think theres an app that you have to install on her phone- the app then hides itself, so she doesn't see it on the window. It does all the same thing, including the map part. You will be able to access it thru your phone via website.

Disclaimer- I had a gf abt 4 years ago- who told me about this app. I told her what a BAD IDEA IT WAS. She did not listen. To this day- she checks this site CONSTANTLY. its turned into a sick obsession. And she is constantly sick with even the tiniest things her sign other says abt her. (the first one left. she's on her second one). He might just be simply venting to a friend- that she's "on her rag again and will jump down his throat" and in an effort to protect the existence of her app- which has now turned into a sick obsession for her- she will use other methods of conversation to indirectly address her anger with him. 

So be careful!


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> IP, do you ice skate? Just wondering because I LOVE the sport (watching it, that is).


Nope- Im afraid the reason for my sn is much more boring than that- :sleeping::sleeping:

My sn is meant to convey the type of architectural support that has grown around my heart- due to a life long sequence of events that have transpired- in an effort to protect myself. I believe there was a major snowstorm in 2008- that jumpstarted its foundational support. 

But i'm working through it slowly, w/ a little pink ice pick.:smthumbup::smthumbup: (or maybe more like that little rock hammer the main character used in Shawshank Redemption).


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

IcePrincess28 said:


> *One manipulation tactic commonly used in success is: lets say i'm ur W. To gain your trust- i tell you a series of AWFUL truths. And the more awful that truth is, and the more it seems that I didn't need to even tell u that truth- bc in ur opinion- you would've never found it out on your own- the more likely you are to trust me. Catch my drift?* So now u trust me, and/or i'm not the object of your scrutiny. So you focus on the wackjob.


Is this insider knowledge? Because if so, I want to hear more.


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

COguy said:


> Is this insider knowledge? Because if so, I want to hear more.


Def. insider knowledge- but not a trick of MY trade. I've always taken an interest to psychoanalysis. Sadly- I observed much of these in my mother. She is quite the master manipulator. Which is why direct blunt truths have always been my pledge. (but many a times i have failed this miserably in a relationship.)


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Either 1) This guy is truly that big of a wack job- that his alleged "first" text of bad/questionable nature was one telling ur W, "Thinking..... smile"

& after a year of "non contact" shows up at your door with flowers and a kiss..._He gave her a peck on the check. She didn't tell me this part - but she told it to another friend - the friend that convinced her that he was suicidal..._

_There has been no questionable contact for a year - but still contact. Our kids our friends and hang out with each other. In the past if something came up on either side we would pick the other kids up, watch each others pets during vacations, etc. As a couple we have slowly removed this guy from the picture - no more barbecues, etc. My wife noticed that I gave him the cold shoulder right away - but I told her it was because I had lost all respects for him.(100% true) But he still occasionally would swing by to pick his kids up since he doesn't work._

or
2) There have been plenty of secret texts/communication in between the two incidents- both before that "first text" and in between that and the house call.

_Very unlikely. My wife doesn't even have a password on her iPhone and I can check her location at ay time. I have monitored off and on since December and there was nothing. I even did the VAR in the car for two weeks after the initial text - nothing._

Question: When your wife handed you the phone that day when she got the text- how close were you to her when she got it. Did she come to you from the next room, or were you guys in the same room. Did the text make a audible noise on the phone. Have you ever been suspicious of her before this--- and asked/talked abt this "friend" of yours- that might cause you to look over at her phone when it buzzed- that made her feel obligated to hand you the phone. One manipulation tactic commonly used in success is: lets say i'm ur W. To gain your trust- i tell you a series of AWFUL truths. And the more awful that truth is, and the more it seems that I didn't need to even tell u that truth- bc in ur opinion- you would've never found it out on your own- the more likely you are to trust me. Catch my drift? So now u trust me, and/or i'm not the object of your scrutiny. So you focus on the wackjob. 

_She never showed me the text, I found it through snooping. The night of the flowers - he called her and I was in the next room. I was already in bed (in my underwear) she was still dressed in the bathroom washing her face and doing normal women stuff getting ready for bed. We thought it was weird but she thought he was dropping off baked goods and so couldn't leave them on the porch outside - since his wife mentioned to her earlier that she was making them. Crazy's wife did drop off muffins the next morning. She also told crazy's wife what he had done - and crazy wife said I know he dropped off flowers fro 3 other women. I think it weird but it's just crazy being crazy._

Altho I understand and agree with investigative procedures and not giving up that you're "on to them"- but its been a year now. Have you made any progress in finding something? Perhaps you haven't found anything- bc maybe its one of those rare instances where there actually IS nothing to be found. but then the door visit? 

_Worst thing that I found is her complaining to some friends that I was cheap.._

How did that day transpire in terms of you and your wife's break down of that day. were you planning on going somewhere (errand maybe) and changed plans last minute. Was your wife planning on running an errand and changed her mind. Was she on the phone or computer that day- in a way that might've drawn your attention. 

_None of that. We were getting ready for bed._

It is too weird. If she is indeed reciprocating his advances- she would probably lie. and just be on high alert for a couple weeks of her behavior. Do you have IPhone? Theres an online service thats directed for parents. You pay for a monthly subscription. You go online- set up your account, naming her IMessage as the account that you want to screen. You will need her IMessage password. I believe you won't need any access to her phone to do all this. But i am not sure. and i also am not sure if the first initial setup might send her an alert to make sure she is protected and not being attacked by a virus/scammer etc. But after that you will see everything she sends and receives. Even a map i believe- of her whereabouts- or her whereabouts when she gets/sends texts, calls. I would do this for no more than a month. (actually i wouldn't do it at all. I wouldn't like it if someone did that to me. and I sure as sh!t can't handle all that comes with knowing too much of what someone says when they think no one is listening.) Then cancel your subscription.

_I can download her text history whenever she is in the shower lol. not a problem._

If you have Android- I think theres an app that you have to install on her phone- the app then hides itself, so she doesn't see it on the window. It does all the same thing, including the map part. You will be able to access it thru your phone via website.

Disclaimer- I had a gf abt 4 years ago- who told me about this app. I told her what a BAD IDEA IT WAS. She did not listen. To this day- she checks this site CONSTANTLY. its turned into a sick obsession. And she is constantly sick with even the tiniest things her sign other says abt her. (the first one left. she's on her second one). He might just be simply venting to a friend- that she's "on her rag again and will jump down his throat" and in an effort to protect the existence of her app- which has now turned into a sick obsession for her- she will use other methods of conversation to indirectly address her anger with him. 

So be careful![/QUOTE]

_Thanks. I can see how addicting this can become. I'd rather not live a life of snooping._

_edited for readability_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Where you in ear shot when this guy said "thanks for being there"

or was it written on the card?

He could have purposely put those words there to "cast doubt" in your mind about how far "in" he is OR he IS that far in...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

waylan said:


> Roleplaying as JellyBean:
> 
> 
> 
> He wouldn't let you answer your own door at 8:30 pm? .



Umm yeah he's not going to have me open the door in my pajamas with a supposedly suicidal crazy guy yelling for me on the other side of the door.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

wait, so this text is from last summer, and there has been nothing inappropriate from him in an entire year? I mean, problem solved, right? I wouldn't sweat it anymore.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Umm yeah he's not going to have me open the door in my pajamas with a supposedly suicidal crazy guy yelling for me on the other side of the door.


Do you have a problem with reading comprehension? Dead serious here.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Adeline said:


> wait, so this text is from last summer, and there has been nothing inappropriate from him in an entire year? I mean, problem solved, right? I wouldn't sweat it anymore.


Text was from last summer. Nothing inappropriate until he showed up with flowers for my wife last week. His wife knew about the flowers before my wife talked to her.

On reflection - I think the best course of action is to cut both of them out of our lives - way to much drama.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

waylan said:


> Text was from last summer. Nothing inappropriate until he showed up with flowers for my wife last week. His wife knew about the flowers before my wife talked to her.
> 
> On reflection - I think the best course of action is to cut both of them out of our lives - way to much drama.


oh! I must have misread. I thought the flowers happened also a year or so ago. Yeah, the guy is no good. Does your wife feel the need to distance herself from them both, as well? It might be best.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Adeline said:


> oh! I must have misread. I thought the flowers happened also a year or so ago. Yeah, the guy is no good. Does your wife feel the need to distance herself from them both, as well? It might be best.


Working on it.....She was very close to this women for a decade so it won't be easy. The pieces are starting to fall into place though - my kids are no longer allowed over their house. This has pissed crazy dudes's wife off. She also told crazy dude's wife we will not be doing or going to anything he is involved with. Kinda hard to be friends with someone when their spouse is banned, right?

Crazy dude's wife thought nothing of the flowers. Her reaction was - its kinda weird but he always does weird things :scratchhead: .

Thanks for the constructive feedback....


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Most of your posts on this thread are you clarifying or changing your previous posts and you're telling me I have a problem with reading comprehension?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think people are confused because a strange man with past history with your wife calls her in the middle of the night with a "surprise" and hands her flowers. And then you make a post asking "How would you feel if someone texted how important they were to your wife?"

Which is a bit like getting carjacked and posting, "How would you feel if someone told you a really bad joke at a gas station?"

Bad information = bad advice. But in this case, everyone has been pretty consistent telling you you're being a schlub and you keep attacking people...not sure what you're expecting to get out of this forum.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> Most of your posts on this thread are you clarifying or changing your previous posts and you're telling me I have a problem with reading comprehension?


I'll bite - show me where I have changed my story. Thanks.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

COguy said:


> I think people are confused because a strange man with past history with your wife calls her in the middle of the night with a "surprise" and hands her flowers. And then you make a post asking "How would you feel if someone texted how important they were to your wife?"
> 
> Which is a bit like getting carjacked and posting, "How would you feel if someone told you a really bad joke at a gas station?"
> 
> Bad information = bad advice. But in this case, everyone has been pretty consistent telling you you're being a schlub and you keep attacking people...not sure what you're expecting to get out of this forum.


I'm not attacking anyone that offers constructive advice or criticism. My problem is with people (like yourself) that twist and turn what someone else posts into something else. 

Let's look at all the extra "flavor" you injected into a single sentence:

"Strange Man" = Wife best friends husband and supposedly friend of the family for a decade. Someone that we trusted previously with our kids.

"calls her in the middle of the night" = calls at 8:30 pm.

I mean what are you really trying to achieve by doing that? And most of the so called advice is then spawned off the warped garbage you spew back.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

waylan said:


> I'm not attacking anyone that offers constructive advice or criticism. My problem is with people (like yourself) that twist and turn what someone else posts into something else.
> 
> Let's look at all the extra "flavor" you injected into a single sentence:
> 
> ...


Strange, as in not normal... Raise your hand if you think he's normal.



> He had called her at night - we were already in bed


YOU chose those words. You didn't say, "He called her at 8:30pm". Most of us, don't go to bed at 8:30pm, so we infer from YOUR information that he is coming over in the middle of the night. Like I said, bad information = bad advice.

And again, you're spending time fighting with people over the internet. What are you looking for exactly?


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## IcePrincess28 (Aug 4, 2014)

waylan said:


> She also told crazy's wife what he had done - and crazy wife said I know he dropped off flowers fro 3 other women. I think it weird but it's just crazy being crazy.


- i think that right there changes all my doubts- he REALLY IS NUTS!!! and no reason to fault your wife for another man's insanity. He does sound like he would be nutty enough to send a bold flirtatious text to someone without affirming its acceptance prior to sending it. 
- again... wow!! he is nuts. he drove around that evening around bedtime delivering flowers to four women. does he work for 1-800-FLOWERS ??:rofl::rofl:

I'm glad you found nothing through investigating your wife. 

best regards


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Dont fault your wife, but DO take reasonable measures to ensure safety.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Update time.

Wife has had zero contact with the "jerk" since the flower incident with one exception. She was texting her friend only to realize friends hubby was reading and replying for her. Needless to say this put an enormous strain on their friendship as my wife refused to text her anymore. (They are no longer best friends....)

Karma - Found out last week that the "jerk" and his wife are getting divorced. Apparently the nut job keyed his mother in-laws car at school event and they filed a report with the police on him. lol.

Most importantly, I did quite a bit of introspection. Some of the medicine was hard to swallow for sure. Married Man Sex Life (although sex has always been good :scratchhead and No More Mr. Nice have been very enlightening. Hard to believe how much I had changed during 20 years of marriage. The whole time I thought I was becoming a better man but instead I was losing the attributes that attracted my wife to me in the first place. Things at home are improving steadily - so Thank You TAM!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

That fellow brings himself and his family only problems, with his lack of impulse control. 

Regardless, it's good to see a man take account of himself and correct his course to become that better man. His family can only benefit from that. 

Bully for you


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