# Young husband is always out!



## munchkin87 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi Ladies. I'm hoping to get some feedback here, I'm having a really tough time. 
My husband and I have been married for two years. He's 23 and I'm 24, and we have a one year old son. My husband recently got a promotion, so he now has steadier hours and is making a lot more money. I'm a stay-at-home mom, but I also go to college online and run my own business from home. 
Basically, he goes to work from 8am-6pm, comes home and does as he pleases, while I take care of our son, do the laundry, clean the house, do my school-work and any business-related work. (I sew, and recently have been very busy, at least 10 orders a week of multiple items!) I'm constantly exhausted and stressed out, and when I ask him for help he always has some excuse, or he says he'll do it and never does. (A good example: I asked him to carry the basket of dirty laundry downstairs for me on Tuesday. It is now Saturday and it's STILL there!!)

When I ask him to help me out, he tells me he's tired from working all day, and I say "What do you think I've done all day? Sit around eating bon-bons?!" He very rarely helps me with anything, and it's really starting to affect the way I feel about him.

Not to mention, he's very shady sometimes while he's out. For example, the other day he had to drive a truck to a repair shop about 20 miles away, which he did after his second job, at 10:30pm. He texts me to tell me he made it down there and was in the car with his cousin, on their way back. All of a sudden, it's 1am and he's still not home. I call him and he doesnt answer, then calls me back a few mins later, telling me his cousin was fighting with his gf and they would be heading back soon. Fine. I go to sleep around 2am, and have no idea what time he came in. 
The next morning I was talking to his cousin, who mentioned to me that they had stopped at Wawa (a convenience store) on their way back, and had spent at least an hour there before driving up and down the highway. This is a recurring issue with my husband. His single friends all hang out at Wawa every night, and drive their little turbo'd cars up and down the highway, racing each other. Its ridiculous, immature behavior, and it frustrates the crap out of me!!

When I confronted him about not telling me he went to Wawa, he tried justifying his behavior by telling me they stopped to get a pretzel and then left. I know this is a lie, but I dont understand why he cant just tell me the truth!!

Some days he can be so sweet and wonderful, and then other days he just does stupid stuff like this. I feel so disrespected and almost like I cant trust him. I don't know how to make him change, or what to say to make him understand where I'm coming from. Where I grew up, husbands came home to their families after work, they didn't go gallivanting all over town all hours of the night. 
I know this was a super long post, but I'm just so beyond frustrated, I need help!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I can empathize with you about cleaning house all day. My H and I had a discussion about that today. I cleaned the entire three bedroom three bath house, shaved the dog, walked her, took care of the cat, did laundry, etc, all while he slept (till 3pm). If I don't do these things the place goes to pieces. I just cant seem to get him to do anything. I was feeling pretty resentful today. 

One thing I do know, though, is that badgering my H about it has never made me feel any better- and its never gotten him to change. The house is still a disaster and to top it off im miserable. I really don't think that i have to be miserable about it. I do think its my perspective that makes me miserable. But if I am feeling resentful and angry about it I tell him; not to try and get him to change but because it reduces further fighting since he'll understand why im being catty. After i tell him, i drop it. I have learned the hard way that trying to get him to change makes me very miserable. 

That is not to say that it doesn't effect me. It certainly does. But I see no reason to fight about it. I let him know that his lack of participation really bothers me, and i even resent it. After that I let the natural consequences fall. A natural consequence is pain on my part since it makes me sad and the other is me withdrawing a little. It does no good to try and fight that away. 

If you've told your H how you feel and he continues to choose a different path it does no good to try and change him. You will only become more resentful and become incredibly miserable. It does no good to hate him since again, that only hurts you, and i guess your son in this case. You have to respect your H as a free person to make choices for himself, even if those choices hurt you. 

There is something else to consider: could you learn from your H? It sounds like he has an outlet, something he loves to do for fun. Do you? You do a lot of the work but do you know how to let go and have fun?


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## steph78 (Jun 2, 2011)

Try to see this from his perspective: You mentioned that he had to do something after his "second job." He probably feels unappreciated for working so hard and then coming home to have you demand help with the household duties which you claimed to be your own "stay at home mom." Perhaps you could sit down and since he is making alot more money, you can decide what your priorities are. You have a choice to make, your home based business or you job as a mother and homemaker. You are obviously having difficulting balancing the two and I don't think that he feels that it's fair to ask him to pick up the slack. Look into taking your child to a part time sitter or mother's day out program. It would be good for you to have time to yourself (to sew or get some "me" time). It sounds like he is doing things with his friends or his cousin to enjoy himself, however, if you do not make time for each other then you will loose the basis of your relationship and the quality family time.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

You both work, the child is both of your responsibility and you are not his maid.

It is reasonable if you work less that you do more, but not everything. He is being unreasonable and immature.

Most people men and women work and have to look after children and do housework, that's just the way it is, and you need to decide if you can live with his behaviour or not.

His lying is a big issue, and it would not be OK for you to go out at all hours, lie about it and leave him with the baby I assume. So it's definitely not OK for him.

Maybe write him a letter, explaii9ng how his behaviour is negatively impacting your house hold and relationship, and most importantly your trust in him.


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## Restless05 (Jun 6, 2011)

I agree with what Syrum says. 
Can you sit down with him and explain to him that he has a child, and you don't want a divorce or for your relationship to fall apart, but you are having a hard time trusting him?

I had this issue with my ex- we did NOT break up because of it. But I did tell him that his behavior made me think he is not the right person for me, eventually he got the idea and tones it down.

Make up a schedule. Friday he can go with his Friends, Saturday you get to have some "me" time and go out for lunch with a friend while he cleans etc..
Compromise and don't talk about it when you are angry.

I have to say he is very young though, and men have a hard time growing up sometimes...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

An hour at wawa? Who works there that he is seeing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## munchkin87 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks so much for all of your great advice! I've talked to him about this problem, and even though I still suspect he doesnt understand 100% of what I'm feeling, he has definitely made an effort to improve his behavior. He has been staying at home with me and our son everyday for the past week, hopefully it will stay this way! 

Syrum, I really liked your idea about writing him a letter. We have done that in the past, and it has always helped with other little issues we've had. I think that if he goes back to his immature behavior, I'm definitely going to do that.

ClipClop: Around where I live, the teenagers/young adults hang out at Wawa during the summer nights, and show off their cars, race each other, etc. It's ridiculous, and my husband is slowly coming out of that scene, but it's taking a little while (and a little nudging from me).

Steph: As for his "second job", he delivers pizza for a few hours on friday and saturday nights. Every other day, he gets out of work at 6pm, usually home by 7 depending on traffic. When we talked about me staying home, we decided that we would split the household chores 60/40, since I do go to school and do the labor for our business, as well as taking care of our son. Sometimes the housework is a little much to handle, especially when my husband comes home and leaves a trail of his shoes, socks, and clothes, along with whatever else he decides to drop, on the floor. I dont expect him to pick up my "slack", but I do expect him to do his part and not disrespect me by making a mess of a house I just cleaned.


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## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

I completely understand your situation. My husband has been doing that for almost 6 years. Yes, I asked him again and again to change his behavior. He did for a short time, but as soon as he felt like it he went back to it. After a while, I stopped waiting up, stopped asking when he came in, and stopped asking where he was. 

Now I do it whenever I feel like it. Not to say you should. 
I'm not sure we are going to make it. Only time will tell. 
I can not change him. If this is who he is, it see that clearly now.


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