# Coping with infidelity lasts the rest of your life.



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Hello TAM,

I'm a lady in my mid-50's. Like many on this forum, I lurked for a long time and it's heartbreaking reading about what so many have gone through and are still going through.

First, let me say that I completely agree that one is 50% responsible for issues in their marriage but it's the cheater who is 100% responsible for cheating. I agree wholeheartedly with that.

A large majority of posts on this forum are about recent discoveries of affairs, be they EA's or PA's.

I also agree with so much that is offered by long time users when they say things like people need to expose the affair to the cheater's partner/spouse and on and on.

Many around here who have been through the ringer offer solid advice to folks who are going through this in real time and they offer wonderful advice, things they should, things their cheating partner need to do.

The reason for my post is that I'd like to see, read, hear and talk about things that folks who have been cheated on have done for themselves years later.

I've been divorced almost 16 years from my cheating ex. I remarried two years later, but we divorced and in 2019 I got married again for the 3rd time and it looks like it's finally going to be good, right etc.

Again, I am not, not, NOT saying that I or any who have been cheated on our responsible for their partners cheating on them, at all.

Still, pretty much all people can and should do things to take stock of their lives, do things to work on themselves, improve their knowledge, skills and on and on.

Being that I'm in my mid-50's, I was born in the 1960's and things were much different in the 70's and 80's when I grew up.

We've all had different upbringings, backgrounds and that's OK.

I believe in counseling and I've been many times, for decades. I still had so much to learn about myself and to improve after divorcing my cheating first husband. Sadly, I allowed things to carry forward and it helped lead to my 2nd marriage ending in divorce (no cheating in that marriage).

All of us learn as we go along, we gain more knowledge, wisdom and life experiences through the decades but there is so much good info out there, books to read, TED Talks, vids etc.

I was insecure from a young girl on. I had body image issues from when I was just 9 years old in the 1970's because my older sister was anorexic and thin was definitely in back then. I thought I was fat when I was just 9 years old (I wasn't, but to me I was and that carried forward).

Unsurprisingly, I missed so much during my long relationship with my first husband due to my worries, my insecurities, my body image issues. I thought it was just me making an issue out of things. I was fighting with myself, telling myself I was just making it up, worrying about nothing.

I didn't trust my gut when I was 14 with him, when I was 17 with him, when I was 21, 24, 29 and into our mid to late 30's when we finally divorced.

Yes, it gets easier over time, but triggers still happen to me more than 15 years later. We can't escape some of them. We hear about cheating in movies, on TV, from friends. Sadly, some of us have grown children or teens who are dating and our sons and daughter's have been cheated on and that triggers us.

There are many wonderful people on this site who been through hel l and back and offer great advice to people currently going through affairs.

I'd like folks who have been through this and come out the other side, like 5 plus years after D day or more to weigh in how they continue to cope and deal with things and what they've done to work on themselves.

Many folks had difficult childhoods and they aren't prepared for difficult relationships yet they find themselves in them, many times over and over again.

Again, it's always the cheaters fault, I can't say that enough. However, people need to learn to avoid certain people, to not get taken in by folks. Folks need to become better people themselves and use that info going forward to avoid the potholes in life so to speak.

I didn't and even after divorcing my cheating first husband, I was still affected and it carried over into my 2nd marriage and things I did and was going through greatly affected my 2nd marriage and they helped lead to its downfall.


I bring this up because I don't want folks on this forum who are going through hel l right now to end up in the "ditch" again, 3 or 4 years from now.

None of us are perfect, I'm far from it. We may all learn, grow, improve and I love the many wonderful people on this sub and I've learned a lot from all of you even though I'm more than 15 years beyond my cheating first husband.

Be safe and take care everyone.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is going to be more esoteric that anything practical nuts and bolts but we are but a composite of our experiences and knowledge and cumulative collection of pasts. Everything we have ever learned and experienced and gone through influences and effects us throughout our each and every day. 

All of our triumphs and tragedies influence our thoughts and feelings and choices going forward to one degree or another.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This is going to be more esoteric that anything practical nuts and bolts but we are but a composite of our experiences and knowledge and cumulative collection of pasts. Everything we have ever learned and experienced and gone through influences and effects us throughout our each and every day.
> 
> All of our triumphs and tragedies influence our thoughts and feelings and choices going forward to one degree or another.


My line of thinking is about things we missed, like red flags. We're all human and not perfect, but WHY did we miss a red flag? That's important. If we don't learn what caused us to miss them, we'll miss them again.

Some miss red flags because they are insecure. Now, if a partner cheats on them and they go their separate ways, the person is still insecure and that will manifest itself in ways that aren't good. They very well may miss future red flags.

Just because folks get older and go through things doesn't mean they always learn.

There are so many good books, many are discussed on this site.

There are things like adult attachment theory, so many counselors, Ph.D.'s and such like Dr. Gottman, Dr. Schnarch and on and on.

So much of this sub and forum caters to folks going through discovery of their partners affairs and many folks who have been through chime in and help them.

I think that those of us many years passed having found out our partners cheated on us still need to work on ourselves, improve ourselves, talk to others to find out what they do, what they've learned.

We give advice to those going through it in the moment to take care of themselves, to eat, not to drink, to read certain books, to go to counseling.

What about us? What about those of us 5 years, 10 years or 15 plus years past our cheating partners?

Learning is lifelong, I sure don't know it all and I still strive to learn about myself, about people, about personalities, about how to set boundaries better and the like.

It's important to me.

I let my insecurities and doubts get the better of me. Due to it, I overlooked so many red flags. Again, my first husband cheated on me and that's on him. Me not recognizing red flags was on me.

We may all learn from others, from good books, counselors, therapists so we may become our best selves as time marches on.

You're probably right, most won't want to talk this and that's OK.

So many people put up with things, allow things to happen to them for too long and my wish is that people wouldn't do that to themselves. I did for too long.

When I was younger, there was no internet, no sites like this, many of the good books discussed weren't written yet.

People need to plan, prepare, educate themselves, improve themselves and they should be proactive about it.

Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.

Take care.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> My line of thinking is about things we missed, like red flags. We're all human and not perfect, but WHY did we miss a red flag? That's important. If we don't learn what caused us to miss them, we'll miss them again.
> 
> Some miss red flags because they are insecure. Now, if a partner cheats on them and they go their separate ways, the person is still insecure and that will manifest itself in ways that aren't good. They very well may miss future red flags.
> 
> ...


Now that we have Oprah Winfrey and the internet and good books and youtube videos and red pill gurus, no one should ever be cheated on or mistreated or have any maladaption again right? LOL 

I don't think a lot of this is so much the lack of knowledge or enlightenment but rather just good ol' fashioned human fallibility. 
We often don't really miss red flags or not see them. We just choose to keep on truck'n anyway.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Now that we have Oprah Winfrey and the internet and good books and youtube videos and red pill gurus, no one should ever be cheated on or mistreated or have any maladaption again right? LOL
> 
> I don't think a lot of this is so much the lack of knowledge or enlightenment but rather just good ol' fashioned human fallibility.
> We often don't really miss red flags or not see them. We just choose to keep on truck'n anyway.


Yes, people get cheated on and mistreated even with all those things you mentioned, but many put their head in the sand, allow it, take it, rationalize it and there are reasons why they do that. I think those reasons need to be ascertained and worked upon.

I could write a book about how my first husband was a great guy and he was. He was nice, polite, caring, not mean, not aggressive, he wasn't a jerk, he did things for me, whatever I wanted him to, even helping me with projects in the middle of the night when he had to work in the morning when I was a stay at home mom.

I could also write a book about his "other" life, his double life that was ongoing before I met him, the entire time we were together and even after our divorce and people wouldn't believe even a quarter of what I wrote.

I missed so many things, for many reasons and those are my fault, not his. His cheating was his fault, 100%, but me not facing things was my fault and our lives still go on after we go our separate ways from our cheating partners.

My 2nd husband didn't cheat, but issues I had since my childhood greatly affected our marriage and they played a large role in our divorce.

Bad things do happen, it's unavoidable. What is avoidable is putting up with those things, allowing those things to keep happening, sticking our heads in the sand.

Many posts on this sub talk about folks working on themselves, going to counseling, losing weight, exercising etc. and that's what I'm getting at is all.

What have the good folks on here gone through afterwards? What have they learned? What have they changed?

So a person is insecure. OK, WHY are they insecure? Have they worked on that, resolved that?

We tell those going through it in real time to take it one day at a time, to save money, to contact an attorney, to go no contact and on and on.

What are the good folks who are years and decades past this doing?

As for me, A LOT has changed in my 15 plus years since my first divorce.

I shouldn't have gotten married so soon, a tad less than two years after my first divorce. I wasn't ready. I thought I was, but I was wrong even though I was 40 years old then.

I also wasn't yet done working through things from my first marriage.

I wasn't happy or strong enough on my own, being single and I wanted, thought and hoped that being married again would fix me, heal me etc.

Sadly, many get cheated on, but life goes on and this sub almost always just deals with the newbies and I get that, I want that to happen. It's my hope that a section of this site can deal with those who aren't going through it in real time, but others may not agree with me and that's their choice of course.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I suffered for years because of my ex-wife's cheating even though I didn't know that her cheating had been the root of our problems until I decided to end the marriage. I'm happily remarried to an amazing woman who had her own cheater and manipulator in her life, and we are so very strong together. 

I married young but I've got to say my new marriage is levels above what I had before. It's like I forgot how satisfying it was to be in a relationship where both partners are completely committed to one another. I'm in my "almost" late-50's and she is "almost" 50 as she likes to say, and she is my "grow old together person." I have completely moved on and don't think about the hurt of it all unless I'm posting somewhere about my experience. But my feeling is indifference even though my ex-wife's actions caused so much pain in our family. The biggest toll for her was our kids wanting to disown her but they've all since reconciled. It if weren't for her bad behavior, I wouldn't be with the amazing person who is my wife and in hindsight, I am thankful.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As we see here on TAM time and time again, people get married when there are massive red flags flying. Often after living together for years first. 
Some have been cheated on already but they still marry the person. How they think the person's character is going to suddenly change on the wedding day I have no idea.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think a lot of people either outright ignore red flags or they just don't comprehend what they're dealing with. Someone can wave red flags in your face all day and something might seem off but so what? A lot of people just keep trudging along because they lack the perspective that often only comes with experience. I know I have personally ignored some red flags and just plain didn't recognize others. I suffered from a lack of perspective.

How to deal with the fallout of being cheated on? Live better. For me, the biggest hit was to my confidence. I did some things that restored my confidence and here I am, better than ever really. I forgive my cheating ex for doing what she did, but I know to keep people like that out of my life. I would forgive an alligator for biting me, because that is what alligators do...I just won't bring one into my home.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Hello TAM,
> 
> I'm a lady in my mid-50's. Like many on this forum, I lurked for a long time and it's heartbreaking reading about what so many have gone through and are still going through.
> 
> ...


No offence but from the outside it looks a lot like you were coping with many things before you ever got to the cheating. It's possible those things allowed you to miss warning flags with your first husband. I'm sure the cheating didn't help though.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

sokillme said:


> No offence but from the outside it looks a lot like you were coping with many things before you ever got to the cheating. It's possible those things allowed you to miss warning flags with your first husband. I'm sure the cheating didn't help though.


No offence taken. You are correct. My point is that many are, with something. Many of us out there need to work on things, on ourselves going forward is my point.

Yes, it feels good to have folks say we're not responsible for our cheating partners (we aren't, at all) but many then won't look inward at themselves and see what they need to improve upon.

I know I'm walking a fine line. Again, the cheating is 100% on the cheating partner. With that said, pretty much most people, even those in relationships without any cheating can work on themselves and improve things, read up, learn up about so many things and it helps prevent folks from making similar mistakes further down the road.

I'm long past things being in my mid-50's now and having been divorced almost 16 years from my first husband. Our children are all in their 20's, young adults and doing well and sadly I'm on my 3rd marriage.

I couldn't have been on a site like this years and years ago. I've been to lots of counseling in the aftermath and that, plus lots of time has healed me. I'm at a point I'm able to talk about things and my hope is to help others.

Many on this forum want or say to their cheating partners that they want a written accounting.

My first husband went to a lot of counseling during and for years after our counseling for his own issues and it took him years to write his account. He wasn't doing it for me, but for himself. He wanted to know how and why things happened to him, from a young age on. His written account was almost 2,700 pages and it took him a couple of years.

I knew he was writing it, but I didn't want it. Many years later, after my own healing and counseling I asked him for it and he told me he wrote it for himself and that I needed to be sure I wanted it and I was. I was at a place and time where I'd healed enough.

Beyond that, I asked him for it a few years ago so I've had a few years to digest all that he wrote. I agree with some of what he wrote, a lot of it actually, but of course not with everything.

Thanks and take care.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> No offence taken. You are correct. My point is that many are, with something. Many of us out there need to work on things, on ourselves going forward is my point.
> 
> Yes, it feels good to have folks say we're not responsible for our cheating partners (we aren't, at all) but many then won't look inward at themselves and see what they need to improve upon.
> 
> ...


Everyone should work on their things, of course. To me this is just a part of becoming a well rounded person and shouldn't have anything to do with infidelity or not.

All of this stuff follows a pattern which is often refereed to as "the cheaters handbook". If you take away the drunken one night stand type, then most are related to the dysfunction you talked about. That being said there is a book called the "human magnet theory" that postulates that dysfunctional people are drawn to each other. Having read these boards for years, I believe a version of this. 

I think some of the marriages with extreme, particularly repeated infidelity work like a symbiotic relationship, the WS being a type of emotional parasite that feeds of the BS. The BS being their financial and emotional host. The two types of dysfunction feed on each other. 

I think it's self selecting, in the sense that these type of people have to end up with each other. Meaning some cheaters are so brazen in their actions that emotionally healthy people are long gone before any talk of marriage. This only leaves pool of people who are willing to put up with the red flags. 

After you account for that, the other group that typically have extreme abuse are the high school sweet hearts who continue to show up on boards like this. The difference is that usually these people met when they were very young and the WS has matured into a narcissist cheater, this is a slower process and really has a lot to do with opportunity, opportunity that comes with adulthood. I think when the WS is young the restrictions of childhood, rules, parents, planned schedules keeps them in check. When that goes away, look out. For the BS in this relationship, it's compounded by the fact that they have no experience or context to know any different. This is what they are used to and and expect, they don't know it's such a raw deal. Usually these people are shocked when they date someone healthy and regret that they wasted so much time.

Then there certainly BS in relationships who are cheated on over and over who are exactly where they want to be.

Finally, and tragically there are folks that just don't have the means to leave, whether because of finances, or just the confines of responsibilities. Those folks usually are not invested in the emotional part of the relationship in the same way anymore though.

When it comes to serial cheaters, or your years of a double life type, I do believe they can change but like an alcoholic it's something they have to keep in check for the rest of their life. It's in their nature.

Anyway so I guess I am agreeing with your assessment in a sense, as I agree that peoples "things" often end up leading them to unhappiness including bad marriage.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

A18,

I frequently ask those cheated on how are they going to feel about it in 5, 10, 20 or 30 years or more. Particularly when they do not have the full truth but are allowing the cheater to escape without a self emptying confession. This not only leads in some cases to an emotional at some random time years later but to an emboldened or better concealed cheater as well.

I've seen two 90s years old women and a 85 years old break down from cheating their husbands did decades and decades ago so yes there is no expiration date on the pain.

On the other side OM3 for my WW was 85 years old guess he never faced any major consequences to his youthful cheating.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Everyone should work on their things, of course. To me this is just a part of becoming a well rounded person and shouldn't have anything to do with infidelity or not.


I agree with this wholeheartedly.

Sadly, not all who've experienced infidelity from their partners put in the work on themselves afterwards.

They rightly hear that the cheating is 100% on their partner and not them and many expect their cheating partners to change, to work on things and not all who've been cheated on look inward. Again, many don't because they hear so much that the cheating was 100% on their spouse (it is of course).

I'm not saying they use that as an excuse to not work on themselves as I don't know them, I have no idea why some don't do that. Just look at the divorce statistics for 2nd marriages (and yes, not all of them had infidelity in their first marriages).

My larger point is that folks do need to work on themselves, on becoming a better person. They should learn about things, about red flags they missed or overlooked (if that was the case I mean).

I was cheated on by my first husband and that was all on him. I got married a 2nd time and there was no cheating but I still brought many unresolved issues into my 2nd marriage and they greatly led to that marriage not working out.

With billions on the planet, I know I'm not the only person who has done this, hence my posts, what I'm saying etc.

We hear so much about what the cheating partners must do, things like counseling, writing a timeline of the affair etc.

We hear that the party who was cheated on should do things like the 180, file for divorce etc. We rarely hear about them having to look inward and work on themselves.

I think things like that should be a part of the message that is given to those who have been cheated on. Heck, it helps them to move on. Anytime any of work on ourselves, it helps us, gives us a pep in our step, makes us feel better about ourselves and that's a great thing for a person who is dealing with having been cheated on.

So, like you said, folks should do that, whether they've been cheated on or not, sadly not enough people actually do that.

Leave cheating out for now. Many folks in struggling marriages don't want to go to counseling. They don't want to read books. Many normal people out there aren't working on themselves and that is my larger point.

We should all work on ourselves, whether we've been cheated on or not, whether we're single, in a relationship, whether we're in our 20's or 60's.

Take care


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Leave cheating out for now. Many folks in struggling marriages don't want to go to counseling. They don't want to read books. Many normal people out there aren't working on themselves and that is my larger point.
> 
> We should all work on ourselves, whether we've been cheated on or not, whether we're single, in a relationship, whether we're in our 20's or 60's.


Yes. Most couples who come for counseling, leave it far too late.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Everyone is different. We never forget being cheated on. But it is definitely possible to put the pain aside after awhile, depending on several factors, like contrition, level of the offense, future behavior, and the inner makeup of the person who was betrayed.

My pain is like 1% of what it initially was, if that. Took about 3 years for me. I've dulled myself to triggers at this point.

But it's not 0%, and likely never will/would be, whether I left or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes there are no red flags. The betrayed spouse was clueless because there were no clues to be seen. 

Why? Some cheaters are good at hiding signs of their affair. Sickeningly there are resources out there designed to help cheaters keep their loving spouse deluded and happy.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

A couple of things:
First the 50/50 responsibility mantra, often, lacks analysis. A cheater, by definition, lacks integrity, empathy, self control, problem solving ability, and communication skills. Odds are a person like that caused the majority of pre-affair problems in a relationship. I doubt most betrayed folks contributed equally to the problems. 

Second, as far as red flags go, yes many of us failed to spot them. Cheaters, often personality disordered, target more trusting, perhaps naive people to entrap. Their methods are not obvious to the uninitiated and are well honed through years of practice in deceit. Often, these red flags are well hidden, only to reveal themselves well after enmeshment. Many times the mask comes of after huge entanglements, like kids, marriage, mortgages etc.

Only after the abuser gets one entangled, does the personality disorder come out.

So, what to do going forward, after finally getting out? Educate yourself on the Cluster B disorders. Have strict rules about any history of infidelity, never think they have changed. Have your friends and family vet the person. They are not blinded by limerance. 

Bad credit, poor job history, criminal record, substance abuse etc- run.

These folks are true predators and parasites. Look beyond physical appearance, money, power and status.


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