# What is remorse?



## beachwater (Mar 10, 2014)

I've often asked myself what is remorse. Help for betrayed spouses usually includes the ws showing remorse. That is often followed by what is remorse?

I saw two answers elsewhere, and I hope it can help others. It's clear I haven't recognized any actions as remorse because my ws is not remorseful just full of regret.

First one...
Regret says, "my decisions turned out badly, I need help getting out of these circumstances I got myself into."

Remorse says, "I made the wrong decisions, I need to change my entire life so those sorts of decisions aren't attractive to me anymore."

Second is long...

I have been struggling to get my head around what remorse actually looks like. We see loads of posts on this board asking about the difference between remorse and regret and common answers to this question are "remorse is actions" and "you'll know remorse when you see it". I have pondered these answers as I've tried to establish whether my WW is 'regretful' or 'remorseful' but until last night I was unable to see clearly what remorse actually is. I've read several descriptions of what remorse is but I wasn't able to apply them to my situation and see what I was looking for. Perhaps it's because I was looking for something that wasn't there and trying to see every little action as a sign of remorse that I persuaded myself that she 'might' be remorseful and just not showing it in the ways I wanted her to. This really got me thinking about remorse as a state of mind for a WS/WSO and what follows is my own thoughts on what remorse is.
I have come to realise that remorse is selflessness. It's someone putting their own needs on hold to help their BS/BSO to deal with and heal from the pain that they have inflicted on them. It's about prioritising the BS's needs above their own and doing everything that they possibly can to help the BS to cope. It does not require the BS to ask the WS to behave in a particular way or to do anything specific (though the BS's guidance can facilitate the healing process) but instead it requires a genuine desire from the WS to make things right and 'carry' the BS to a better place. It's not about saving the marriage/relationship, it's not about the WS trying to find peace or redemption it's not about minimising or apportioning blame or dodging responsibility - it's all about the BS. It's about the WS trying to understand the damage that they have done and doing everything they possibly can to repair that damage. They will own it and accept that it was 100% their doing and that it is 100% their responsibility to fix it. They will take the BS's anger, knowing that they deserve it, never feeling any self-sympathy or anger of their own but feeling a duty to the BS to be emotionally available, honest and genuinely caring. The WS will WANT to do this and whatever else is needed to help the BS to heal.

There is a conundrum in all of this. The WS is intrinsically selfish and that is what caused the betrayal. The WS was so focussed on their own needs/desires/failures/shortcomings that they became totally self-absorbed and self-serving. So how does a selfish person become completely selfless? I guess there are several motivating factors (love, family, shame, coming out of the fog, regret, pain etc.) that could drive the WS to change but the key is that the WS needs to want to change to be able to be remorseful. The WS needs to change their behaviour, attitude and thought processes to be remorseful and become selfless. This takes some doing and the WS needs to dig deep but doesn't mind putting in the effort because their focus is on the BS. It's not going to happen overnight but the signs will be there and the BS will be able to see them. The WS will be patient and attentive, thoughtful and kind. The WS will want to go NC and the AP will no longer feature in their life, thoughts or desires - for all intents and purposes, the AP will cease to exist. The only person that will feature is the BS and the only person who will matter is the BS.

This all brings me back to the two most common answers to the difference between remorse and regret - "remorse is actions" and "you'll know remorse when you see it". It is so true, you will know if your WS is remorseful without having to look for signs of remorse. You will see the change in your WS through their attitude and actions, you will see the pain in their eyes (for what they have done to you) but they will not complain about their pain because they'll be focussed entirely on helping you to overcome yours.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

REMORSE In an affair is:
-Sorry for getting caught
-guilt over what they have done to their kids
-realization that their cushy lifestyle is about to end
-emberrassment over affair and what family/friends will think
-panic over loss of finances
-sorrow over having to give up AP

oh and sometimes a little bit of sorrow for what they put their spouse through...sometimes...just a little bit

the BS can and WILL NEVER be sure exactly what kind of remorse the WS feels...probably a mixture of a lot of things...the BS will never truly know if the WS really feels bad for hurting THEM...there are too many other factors involved to motivate the WS to R, other than love or feeling remorse

phhhtttt...I would never forgive an affair...a ONS I can get over, but not a drawn out relationship/affair


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Remorse is killing someone and then sitting next to his grave and apologizing.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Remorse is repentance ...I wish I could take away what I have done...and I will make sure I fix whatever was in me so that I never do it again. Remorse is helping your spouse heal from what you have done...even if it means self sacrifice. Remorse is taking total responsibility for what you have done and making no excuses for it.
> Remorse is heart wrenching sadness for what you have done. Remorse is feeling so much sorrow for what you have done that you are overwhelmed. Remorse is accepting the punishment for what you have done...the punishment of knowing you and you alone have taken away a part of your spouses life that you can never give back.
> 
> Remorse is knowing you have remorse.


That's beautiful Mrs. John Adams. Have a nice day.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Beachwater - this is articulated very well. I think another component is respect, along with remorse, and perhaps part of remorse is the showing of respect to the one the WS has offended.

I also think that remorse is the WS showing the BS how truely sorry they are and that they are willing to make amends. 

Having gone through a false R for over a year and then having my wife repent and come clean in late April 2013, I have seen the difference between true remorse and the regret of "being caught". 

On Sunday and yesterday, my wife and I had some conversations about her A's, and not once did she flinch about talking about it and in fact she told me that she desired that I talk about my feelings about this more, instead of stuffing them. She has said that the phrase, "The truth will set you free", is how she wants to live her life with me, that she has nothing more to hide, and feels free in talking about it, that my healing is important to her and that she will do all she can to bring that about.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> Remorse is repentance ...I wish I could take away what I have done...and I will make sure I fix whatever was in me so that I never do it again. Remorse is helping your spouse heal from what you have done...even if it means self sacrifice. Remorse is taking total responsibility for what you have done and making no excuses for it.
> Remorse is heart wrenching sadness for what you have done. Remorse is feeling so much sorrow for what you have done that you are overwhelmed. Remorse is accepting the punishment for what you have done...the punishment of knowing you and you alone have taken away a part of your spouses life that you can never give back.
> 
> Remorse is knowing you have remorse.


I agree. The way I have always separated regret and remorse in my mind is whether or not actions are taken to heal the injured party. Regret is being sorry, remorse is doing something about it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

*World English Dictionary*
_remorse (rɪˈmɔːs)

— n
1. a sense of deep regret and guilt for some misdeed
2. compunction; pity; compassion _


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> *World English Dictionary*
> _remorse (rɪˈmɔːs)
> 
> — n
> ...


I think MJA fits that bill to a tee.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> *you know it when you see it.....*


Yes, you know it when you see it. It may look different for different people....but, you will know when you see it.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

John and Mrs Adams, if I am not mistaken the search for signs of remorse is the genesis of first John's and then Mrs Adams' participation on TAM. I believe John was looking for outward signs that Mrs Adams was in fact remorseful. Maybe you both can share that process. John, what was it that finally convinced you that Mrs Adams demonstrated remorse? And Mrs Adams, how were you able to help John see that you were in fact remorseful and not just regretful?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

In terms of an affair?

Remorse can be VERY tricky to define. Because it will change for everyone. 

But I do believe there is one truth to remorse for an affair:
"I hurt my spouse so much, trying to make myself happy, that the only thing I can do now, is let them choose what makes them happy, and not fight them, nor deny them, their final choice."

The rest of it, changes depending upon who you ask. Like does the WS work their ass off for the BS, or simply exit their life as requested? And so many other questions.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

bfree said:


> John and Mrs Adams, if I am not mistaken the search for signs of remorse is the genesis of first John's and then Mrs Adams' participation on TAM.


Very true. I came here seeking the answer to what is remorse. Though I knew Mrs. JA was sorry for her actions, I never felt she demonstrated true remorse. Mrs. JA and I are different in almost every way and for the most part that works for us and we compliment each others personalities. Mrs. JA deals with trauma by burying it, I over analyze it. She was molested as a child and buried it, she has other trauma and buries it. After the affair, she told me everything. Every painful detail. Then, she buried it and I analyzed it for years. She could not understand why I could not just "get over it". I did not understand why it did not outwardly seem to bother her. So, I felt there was a lack of remorse.

When I came here several, Mr. Blunt specifically comes to mind that said her actions proved her remorse. She had been a faithful loving wife since her affair. I thought that was true, actions do speak louder than words. 

I sent her the link to the book "How to help your spouse get over your affair" by Linda McDonald. She read the book and saw some of things she did wrong in demonstrating her remorse. One of the emphasis areas of the book is letting your spouse know that they are sorry for the pain they caused. Little subtle changes in the way you say you are sorry.

The bottom line was that she willingly and eagerly took the advice of the book. She was willing to do what ever it took to demonstrate her remorse. Her actions finally let me know the feeling of "I will know it when I see it".

This is not to say that she was not remorseful before. I did not get what I needed. It is a shame it took that many years for it to finally click. Better late than never. 

I think all betrayed spouses may need to see or hear something a little different. Something that resonates with them. In our case this was the last step in our recovery. It has helped us get to a place of not looking at our marriage as "before and after" but as a continuous marriage. It helped me to once again be able to look at our first years of marriage as the blissful times it really was instead of questioning the validity of before.

So, in our case, some advise on TAM, the McDonald book, and years of demonstrated actions finally defined what remorse looks like for us.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

True remorse is when their words match their actions.


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