# How do you let go of the anger?



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Still at home sitting on the perverbial fence. Seems like every night for years I just get so much resentment towards her and I can't seem to stop doing that. I hate it and it's stressing me out. She walks through the room and I just....well, you know.

We hardly speak to each other. There's little arguing anymore. But just the sight of her and I start getting so frustrated/mad/arravated.

How did you all deal with this?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Start by forgiving her and start doing things that you enjoy doing that don't necessarily involve her.

Things do get better once you really, truly, forgive and let go.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Start by forgiving her and start doing things that you enjoy doing that don't necessarily involve her.
> 
> Things do get better once you really, truly, forgive and let go.


:iagree:

Distract yourself for a good long while until you let go of it in your heart. Hopefully, you're like most people and holding onto anger eventually gets to you and you finally learn to love her again.
The sketchy part is whether or not she'll wait for that to come along. In my opinion, it's the least she could do.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Well the marriage is over. I've done everything I know how and then some. Won't get in to the details but I just got to figure out how to forgive her for my personal peace.

I have started thinking more about myself lately. Just finished NMMNG yesterday and I started reading a book last night that I've had for a few years but never got around to reading. It's called "The Forgiveness Book" and is written by an Episcopal priest name of Bob Libby. (I heard about it from our priest). Maybe that'll help.

Anyone recommend any other books on the subject?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Your problem is your anger is trying to get you to take action. Until you do that nothing will change.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I agree with Mavash. The anger should motivate you to do something other than what you're doing... sitting and brooding. It's depressing and quite unproductive. You're only hurting yourself with your resentment.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

When you're the one stuck with anger and resentment, it's not as easy as just 'letting it go' or 'getting over it'. My favorite: 'build a bridge and get over it!!!'. 

If it were that easy, the OP would be already over it, on to the next thing in life. And I feel the same myself.

Distractions and taking care of oneself really don't address the issue, IMO. Just sort of sweeps it to the side, no?

In any case, a vicious circle, isn't it?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

No one is saying it's easy to do. Being easy or hard isn't the point. The point is doing something OTHER THAN spending time sitting and soaking in it. If you have to remove yourself from the source of your anger then do it. Stop weighing the what if they, or if only they, why did they do a, b and c. It's an exercise in futility. They did it. Or didn't do it, and it is what it is. They are who they are, and nothing you do or say will change them. What's left? Changing yourself. Accepting your situation as sh!tty as it is and making moves toward freedom from it.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Start by forgiving her and start doing things that you enjoy doing that don't necessarily involve her.
> 
> Things do get better once you really, truly, forgive and let go.


This....its hard to let go...but when you do, you will never look back.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> No one is saying it's easy to do. Being easy or hard isn't the point. The point is doing something OTHER THAN spending time sitting and soaking in it. If you have to remove yourself from the source of your anger then do it. Stop weighing the what if they, or if only they, why did they do a, b and c. It's an exercise in futility. They did it. Or didn't do it, and it is what it is. They are who they are, and nothing you do or say will change them. What's left? Changing yourself. Accepting your situation as sh!tty as it is and making moves toward freedom from it.


My point is, it's always there, no matter what you do. I can change everything about my life from here to tinbucktwo, won't really matter, because personally, I'm just not the forgiving type.

Sounds like the OP isn't either; some of us are just built that way. And it may be the reason that I for one, have never really had a relationship last beyond a few years. 

I do accept my situation as sh!tty, and I'm not packing my bags up yet, but in all honestly, that's what I see in my future. For some, it is easier to turn their back on the object of their anger and resentment and just walk away, than to tint everything with rose colored glass, try to ignore it all, and move on. It's all still there, running in the background.

Just sayin'.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> My point is, it's always there, no matter what you do. I can change everything about my life from here to tinbucktwo, won't really matter, because personally, I'm just not the forgiving type.
> 
> Sounds like the OP isn't either; some of us are just built that way. And it may be the reason that I for one, have never really had a relationship last beyond a few years.
> 
> ...


When you make the focus on yourself and being healthy then that ideology changes. All I read here is focus on the object of your frustration... the person that hurt you to begin with.

I used to be like this. I had to work on myself. I imagined my resentment was a cancer that was slowly eating me from the inside out, and eventually I would die from it. I had to decide and realize that what hurt I experienced wasn't worth MY dying for. I could recover and be a better person who's learned something about myself... Mainly what I will and will not stand for in the future and what I truly want in a relationship.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> When you make the focus on yourself and being healthy then that ideology changes. All I read here is focus on the object of your frustration... the person that hurt you to begin with.
> 
> I used to be like this. I had to work on myself. I imagined my resentment was a cancer that was slowly eating me from the inside out, and eventually I would die from it. I had to decide and realize that what hurt I experienced wasn't worth MY dying for. I could recover and be a better person who's learned something about myself... *Mainly what I will and will not stand for in the future and what I truly want in a relationship.*


Yup, and sometimes not standing for it means walking away from it. Beating of dead horses and leading them to water and all that.  I'm not going to die from this, because it just won't be there anymore, effectively radiating the cancer, so to speak.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Not to sound unappreciative but most replies are telling me I "need to let go". I know this. What I asked is "how to let go".

To those of you that did, HOW did you do it???


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Beach Guy, if you ever find the answer, please, do me a favor and let me in on it! 

I truly believe that some of us are just not made that way; that it is physcially and emotionally impossible for us to 'let it go'. 

I'm not a forgiving type. I usually just walk away, never to be seen or heard from again. This applies to everyone, not just exes.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What exactly do you want to let go of? You want to be all zen like living in a crappy marriage? You want to be okay living like roomates? You want your resentment and anger to just disappear? Really? 

True forgiveness starts by taking care of yourself and your needs. If you are still in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you then I don't know how you can forgive. On this I'm with CandieGirl I can't do it. I'm not built that way either.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I left the source of my resentment. Walked away from them and what they represented to me. I started over... clothes in garbage bags and a pallet on my mother's living room floor with my 2 kids in the guest room in one bed. That was a start. Separation.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> What exactly do you want to let go of? You want to be all zen like living in a crappy marriage? You want to be okay living like roomates? You want your resentment and anger to just disappear? Really?


I never asked for the things you're suggesting I want? I simply asked how people who have been able to do this, did it?

Where'd all that come from Mavash.???


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I never asked for the things you're suggesting I want? I simply asked how people who have been able to do this, did it?
> 
> Where'd all that come from Mavash.???


Excuse me I'm kind of annoyed today. Sorry. 

I wanted clarification. What exactly do you want to let go of? From where I'm sitting you have every right to be angry. What am I missing?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I've always had the thought that it's hard if not impossible to get over anything while still immersed in it. It's the equivalent of trying to stop drinking while living in a bar. 

In quicksand you sink. Unless you pull yourself OUT.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Decide what is more important to you, is it the anger or the relationship?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Excuse me I'm kind of annoyed today. Sorry.
> 
> I wanted clarification. What exactly do you want to let go of? From where I'm sitting you have every right to be angry. What am I missing?


Yeah I know have every right to be angry. But I'm just tired of being angry and stressed every night and weekend around her. No matter how you slice this, she's gonna come out smelling like a rose and I'm gonna get the short end.

I can't go through the rest of my life being mad all the time. You see people on the news and stuff all the time who have lost a relatvie at the hands of a murderer or something and they say they have forgiven them. How in the hell do they do that?

I'm just so resentful and it's not hurting anyone but me.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I've always had the thought that it's hard if not impossible to get over anything while still immersed in it. It's the equivalent of trying to stop drinking while living in a bar.
> 
> In quicksand you sink. Unless you pull yourself OUT.


Forgive me, but by pulling yourself out, you are effectively leaving the situation, correct? So yes, this is a way of dealing with it, by abandonning it. But it can also be said that you are avoiding it by abandonnig it...

I think the OP is asking how to move past these things that are bothering him...? IE letting go without leaving his partner...?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Yeah I know have every right to be angry. But I'm just tired of being angry and stressed every night and weekend around her. No matter how you slice this, she's gonna come out smelling like a rose and I'm gonna get the short end.
> 
> I can't go through the rest of my life being mad all the time. You see people on the news and stuff all the time who have lost a relatvie at the hands of a murderer or something and they say they have forgiven them. How in the hell do they do that?
> 
> *I'm just so resentful and it's not hurting anyone but me.*


I can so identifiy with you.

Last night, in IC, my therapist told me that she thinks I've hit bottom by making that realization; that I'm not hurting anyone but myself at this point. I do know that it's either 'get over' this sh!t in my marriage, or leave it. At this moment, I would like to fix myself; I had a good night with H last night. But then, something will happen, and I feel hopeless again, and the resentment comes bubbling up.

For me, it's the triggers; she told me to acknowledge the triggers that lead me to my negative and resentful thoughts, but not to follow them down the path. I asked her how? How do I do that? Do I get up and leave the room? Write them down? She said to try anything. Anything I could to bring myself back into the present. She also said it's extremely difficult to do this, but that it CAN work. 

It's all I've got right now. I can't undo what's been done, can I? But I can try not to wallow in it. Hope that helps.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Forgive me, but by pulling yourself out, you are effectively leaving the situation, correct? So yes, this is a way of dealing with it, by abandonning it. But it can also be said that you are avoiding it by abandonnig it...
> 
> I think the OP is asking how to move past these things that are bothering him...? IE letting go without leaving his partner...?


It's not avoidance. It's self preservation. Why continually put your hand in the fire when you know the result? That doesn't make any sense. If something is killing you does it make more sense to leave it alone than continue to let it? You'd rather die than 'give up' in your mind? I find no solace with that rational. It goes against every ounce of common sense I have in my body.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> It's not avoidance. It's self preservation. Why continually put your hand in the fire when you know the result? That doesn't make any sense. If something is killing you does it make more sense to leave it alone than continue to let it? You'd rather die than 'give up' in your mind? I find no solace with that rational. It goes against every ounce of common sense I have in my body.


Nope, never said that...and if it was implied, then that wasn't my intention. All this talk about letting things go, getting past old hurts...leaving the situation is just that. Leaving the situation. In no way is that letting go of it; for me and the OP (I suspect, correct if wrong, Beach Guy) the definition of letting go is more along the line of forgivness, not running away from the problem. It all depends on what the individual is dealing with, too. What's the end of the line? 

And no, I wouldn't rather die than give up; in fact, I've got a 25 year long trail of broken relationships that I've left in the name of self preservation. Do whatever works, but just call it what it is.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Forgiving isn't about the other person. It's about giving yourself permission to let go. It's accepting the situation(s) for what they were, and the person who wronged you for what they did and then releasing it. It happened. What's happened cannot be changed or altered. It helps to remove yourself from that person (especially one that continues to trigger and hurt you) to heal. It's extremely difficult to find peace in a place or with a person that continually disrupts peace within you by their actions.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> Yeah I know have every right to be angry. But I'm just tired of being angry and stressed every night and weekend around her. No matter how you slice this, she's gonna come out smelling like a rose and I'm gonna get the short end.
> 
> I can't go through the rest of my life being mad all the time. You see people on the news and stuff all the time who have lost a relatvie at the hands of a murderer or something and they say they have forgiven them. How in the hell do they do that?
> 
> I'm just so resentful and it's not hurting anyone but me.


Ah now I get it. Okay the way to deal with this is the same as any loss. It's in stages and anger is part of it...unfortunately. You can't speed this up, you can't rush through it and it is what it is. Its akin to someone having to face anything that is out of their control. 

Have you considered counseling to help you cope with this?

I've gone through this process before when my parents disowned me. It took years but yes I did eventually forgive them. I'm no longer angry with them but I was for a long time.

It truly is okay to be angry. BE angry. The more you try to stifle it the more it will linger. You have every right to be angry. You did get the shaft and she will come out on top. I totally get it.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Leaving isn't in the cards at the moment. I could but right now I choose to stay a bit longer with my children. The marriage is over. 100%.

I do see a counselor and have for 3 years now. I haven't really discussed this in detail with her before but will next week.

We have a large bonus room in our upstairs that's never really been used other than for company. In the past month, I've cleaned it up and put some furniture and things up there. It's my man-cave now. I've been going up there daily when I get home and reading or watching tv for an hour or two. It seems to be helping me stay calmer. But yesterday when I was up there, she came up and asked me something about dinner. As soon as I heard her coming up the stairs I got all tense and was thinking "leave me alone".

She does odd things like that. Ask's me pointless questions just to engage me. She'll fix dinner, serve the kids and then just wait until I walk in and start fixing my plate, then she'll come in right behind me and get hers and sit on the other end of the couch and eat. Even if I wait an hour after it's ready, she'll just wait until I go to get mine.

If I go into the kitchen to start cooking, she'll come in and start unloading the dishwasher. TICKS ME OFF!!! All it does is cause us to get in each others way.

I realize it's probably some feeble attempt to convince herself our marriage isn't "over", even though she has to know it is. I've made my feelings abundatnly clear.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It sounds like your physical presence is enough to sustain her. Your marriage may be over 100% to you, but not to her. Why? Because you're still there. People can rationalize anything.


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