# Which comes first marriage or children?



## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I'm just curious as to how other people's marriages work with regards to children. I'm a firm believer that the marriage should come before the children. Yes, children are a blessing and need quite a bit of attention, but doesn't a marriage as well?

I believe that if you have a healthy and happy marriage your children will thrive, but if you're marriage is very negative and full of arguements then your children pay the price as well. I've noticed through the years that the more effort and work I put into our marriage the more Hubby and I are both happy and satisifed and the better our children do with behavior and in school. When we are having a rough patch it seems our children act out more. 

I am not saying ignore your children, but make sure you're giving your marriage the attention and love that it needs to flourish and this will allow your children to flourish as well. Children learn how to be a parent and spouse from the example that is provided to them, make it a good example so that they do not choose dysfunctional relationships in their future or repeat things that you would be less than proud of because after all they are learning how to be men and women from you. Make them proud and in response they'll make you proud.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My marriage comes first. 

My children are not neglected, but my relationship with my husband always comes first...unless the kids are sick. 

I was raised to believe that way. My gramma always said, "You don't want to wake up one day when the kids are gone and wonder who the hell is sitting across from you on the couch."

She is so right.

I believe that children who see a healthy, loving couple will grow up to expect the same. I didn't have that growing up. My mom and stepdad fought and divorced when i was 12. My biodad was long gone until my 20s and passed away a few years later. My stepdad also passed last year.

I did, however, have amazing examples from friends' parents. I will never forget watching my friend's parents dancing in the living room (in their own little world) while the children (all 6 of them) sat watching.

I want that.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Your gramma sounds like a smart woman! My parents have been married almost 40 years and my brothers and I waited our entire childhood to hear that they were getting a divorce, not really sure why they're together still. I'm sure they love each other, but she lives her life, he lives his, they do nothing together other than cohabitate. I couldn't live like that. I wonder if she ever looks at the couch and wonders who the hell he is! She's a great person but seems so lonely and clings to me like I'm supposed to be her best friend rather than her child, they're empty nesters they should be living it up now that he's retired and she's right around the corner from retirement, but instead they hardly know each other.


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## some_guy (Dec 29, 2011)

Great question although I may be approaching from a different angle. In my case is, do we keep the marriage going because of the kids? Our marriage is usually on the rocks and would love to leave, but as soon as I think about not being there for the kids, I suck it up and accept my lousy marriage where we live like roommates. Not fun but is it worth it for my kids?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Marriage. No question 'bout it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No. It's not worth it.

Kids are not stupid. They pick up on everything.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Isn't this a question for which an answer is entirely dependent upon the circumstances, including the age of the children.
Any guy who expects a wife to attend to his needs before those of an infant or toddler, for example, is an immature, selfish twit who is unworthy of fatherhood. And any woman who would accede to such a wish is a lousy mother for whom sterilization should be strongly considered.
On the other hand, if you're talking teenagers, maybe not so much.

That said, I've been a dad for many years now and not once have I felt I've been in a position of "choosing" my kids over my wife, or vice versa.
Maybe I'm just lucky.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

At certain points, my sons have had to come first. The autism testing came before anything else for about two months. But luckily not a whole lot of developmental pediatricians work nights! hehehe.

Marriage is my highest priority on a normal day. I will stay up to skype with hubby until 12-1am, and still get up and get the kids to school and myself to class. He is important no matter what I have going on in my day.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

LBG said:


> Your gramma sounds like a smart woman! My parents have been married almost 40 years and my brothers and I waited our entire childhood to hear that they were getting a divorce, not really sure why they're together still. I'm sure they love each other, but she lives her life, he lives his, they do nothing together other than cohabitate. I couldn't live like that. I wonder if she ever looks at the couch and wonders who the hell he is! She's a great person but seems so lonely and clings to me like I'm supposed to be her best friend rather than her child, they're empty nesters they should be living it up now that he's retired and she's right around the corner from retirement, but instead they hardly know each other.


:iagree:

Same thing happened with my parents. They got married when they were too young to know any better; my mother was just doing what she thought a good woman does-marry and have many children.

Four kids and nearly 40 years later, my mother has decided to separate from my father. She only stayed because of her children and even as a little girl, I knew that they had very little in common. My father's affair didn't help either.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I'm not saying neglect your children at all, please don't think that. And absolutely the needs of a very young child should not be ignored! I'm just talking in general. My kids are 7, 9, and 12 and trust me their needs are met. There can be a strong balance between the two, but just because a woman has children does not mean that they are to be her main focus and her husband should be ignored because now she's a mom. I've seen multiple marriages end up in divorce because well the women became mothers and then their husbands weren't a priority any more and they gave no attention to their marriage. In my opinion, men are only gonna tolerate the I'm a mom now routine and therefore you're last on my list of importance. Sick, young and special needs children are a different story, but at the ages my children are I feel like have quite a bit of independence and hubby should be number 143 on my list.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

*shouldn't be number 143 on my list. Dang phones!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My kids are 3 and 12.

Of COURSE an infant will need more care. but the child does sleep...so nurture your love then. that's what we did.

I think waiting until they are teens is WAY too late to start nurturing your marriage. 

It's a daily decision to show love and care to your spouse. It's really not that hard.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

some_guy said:


> Great question although I may be approaching from a different angle. In my case is, do we keep the marriage going because of the kids? Our marriage is usually on the rocks and would love to leave, but as soon as I think about not being there for the kids, I suck it up and accept my lousy marriage where we live like roommates. Not fun but is it worth it for my kids?


I think it is. If anything, you are letting your kids grow up in a two parent home. Of course then you get to see them on a daily basis too. Marriage is so tough. A lot of ideals have to die. No spouse is perfect and we continually hurt another.
At the same time there can be a lot of growth. You are a living example of commitment to your kids. Committing to another human, I think is THE most difficult thing one can do. Your kids see other families falling apart all around them. If anything they will always respect you for staying committed to the family unit. You should be proud of that.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My kids are 3 and 12.
> 
> Of COURSE an infant will need more care. but the child does sleep...so nurture your love then. that's what we did.
> 
> ...


Ummmm ..... OK. But then you're not really choosing marriage over kids, right? Which is what you said you do.

Fact is, the question presents a false choice. We don't have to 'put one first.' We're fully capable, if we choose, to address the needs of both our marriages and our children without neglecting either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Okay, I think you're missing what I was actually asking, sorry. I'm not talking about literally chosing between your spouse or your children, no person should ever be put in that situation. 

I'm trying to think of a good way to explain it, it's hard when it's written and not actually spoken. What I'm trying to ask is if you feel that your marriage should be the top priority to you followed very closely by your children? If someone understands what I'm asking, please help! 

This is what I've seen from many friends:
1. Kids
2. Work
3. Cleaning
4. Cooking
5. Finances
6. Hobbies
and so on
and dead last on the list is their SPOUSE!

I'm not saying or implying that you love your children any less or that if forced to choose that I'd choose my Hubby over them. I mean they are defenseless children that must be taken care of and I'd be the first one to leave if Hubby was abusive to them or me or wasn't a good father, but in the grand scheme of things I place him first, then my children, followed by other priorities. I make sure that I take the time to nuture our marriage and keep a strong bond between us because united we can conquer anything, including raising 3 boys to be outstanding men, fathers, and husbands. Which is both of our goals. We are a team, best friends, lovers, not just Mom and Dad. 

Together we take care of the love between us so that we can provide a loving and stable home for our children. Yes, we have individual hobbies and things, but our goal above everything else is to have a strong marriage and to provide a good example for our children.

Have heard to old saying, “In order to be a good father, you must be a good husband first”? Kinda what I'm talking about.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Ummmm ..... OK. But then you're not really choosing marriage over kids, right? Which is what you said you do.
> 
> Fact is, the question presents a false choice. We don't have to 'put one first.' We're fully capable, if we choose, to address the needs of both our marriages and our children without neglecting either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


huh? Why would I ignore a crying infant? LOL

I always made time for my husband to feel appreciated and loved. 

Until my health issues. Then I was selfish and self loathing. but that's another story.

I know plenty of people who put their kids first. Soccer practice, gym, ballet, whatever. Always abotu the kids. Kids, kids, kids...and then they complain that they never have sex or feel connected to their spouse. It's hard to feel connected when you dont' make the time.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

LBG said:


> What I'm trying to ask is if you feel that your marriage should be the top priority to you followed very closely by your children? If someone understands what I'm asking, please help!
> 
> This is what I've seen from many friends:
> 1. Kids
> ...


Yeah, I get the question. Nice work when you can get it. This is a value system difference in my marriage. It's naive to think that there will never be any conflicts between multiple priorities. Even people who claim not to have an implicit priority structure which ranks certain things higher than others. My wife's priority list goes like:

Self
Kids
Friends
Personal Interests
Housework

I'm not even on the list unless she needs me for one of her priorities or I make a specific request. Needless to say, our marriage is challenged on a daily basis. My priorities are

God
Wife
Kids
Self
Work
House

There is not a day that goes by, sometimes not even an hour, where I am not challenged by whether or not to proceed into an emotional affair. There are several excellent candidates out there and I can easily get what I am not getting at home and I have to admit that it really feels good. That's why I'm big on the list because when I find myself in the mental dialog about why proceeding into an ea would be perfectly ok, I look at the list and see that I am number 4 and this activity would seriously harm numbers 1, 2 and 3.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

some_guy said:


> Great question although I may be approaching from a different angle. In my case is, do we keep the marriage going because of the kids? Our marriage is usually on the rocks and would love to leave, but as soon as I think about not being there for the kids, I suck it up and accept my lousy marriage where we live like roommates. Not fun but is it worth it for my kids?


I'm kinda along with guy here, , perhaps not lousy but most times not fun. It's been like this for most of our marriage and would definitely be classified as dis functional. In our marriage our kids are priority, , , their school sports hobbies vacation at time I feel we're hurting them by spoiling them so much. I've always thought comically in the back of my mind we'll divorce shortly after the kids are gone. But our oldest has giving us a grandbaby and we love it (being grandparents) so I guess I'll be with her forever !!! which is OK cuz she drives me nutty but I luv it.

So kids,,, kids come first in our marriage :yawn2:


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## gav (Nov 13, 2011)

I can't be a good husband or father if I don't take care of myself.

I can't be a good father if I'm not a good husband.

If my marriage atrophies, it will impact my kids directly and down the line.

So my wife absolutely comes first before the kids. Period. We have a drop-dead time when the kids are 'banished' to their room and 'mom and dad' time starts. Every night. Non negotiable.

Our marriage has improved significantly by doing that alone.


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## rogergrant (Dec 7, 2011)

gav said:


> I can't be a good husband or father if I don't take care of myself.
> 
> I can't be a good father if I'm not a good husband.
> 
> ...


We do that as well. I think spending time together is critically important. If you take care of the marriage, you are also taking care of the kids. Nothing is better for them than having both parents in a true committed loving relationship.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

For us, we don't really separate marriage and kids. Kids are the product of our marriage. Like some said, the priority depends on the stage of each family. For instance, for couples with young children children should come first (of course should make way for couple time) if your toddler or infant in sick you wouldn't want to go for a cinema with your spouse. For those with older children, you shouldn't neglect your spouse and spend all your time with your kids. Its not about who come first its about striking a balance until our kids are independent. Both couples and children need time away from each other to have a healthy marriage and family. Its just my opinion.


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