# Ex wife teaching young daughter curse words.



## feegero (Mar 1, 2015)

Okay so I am glad to have found this forum. I am dealing with an issue but don't know how to go about it. 

I have a 5 year old daughter I see every other week. We divorced when she was 2 due to her cheating. Despite that it was pretty amicable. Problem is my ex has always been one to curse a lot and now my daughter has taken it up. 

For a while now when I have had my daughter she'll repeat a number of curse words such as "Sh!t" "Damn", "B!tch", "*****", and I have even heard her say "Da fuq". My ex and I are both 28. 

Needless to say this is very bad. I brought it up with my ex and she just said she'll say whatever she wants. I have tried explaining to my daughter not to say such things but since her mother has her most of the time I can only do so much.

I'd love some advice/thoughts.


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Uggg. Unfortunately, if you and your wife are not on the same page about this there is not a lot you can do. I would be frustrated too.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

My son came home and said his Dad and his Dad partn er told him Sh^% was not a swear word.

I said to him, would you say Sh^% to your teacher at school? and he said "No". I also said that often people swear because they cannot think of more intelligent ways to describe things. I said it takes more brain power to use descriptive words and I know he's a smart boy. 

I know it can be frustrating.


----------



## feegero (Mar 1, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> My son came home and said his Dad and his Dad partn er told him Sh^% was not a swear word.
> 
> I said to him, would you say Sh^% to your teacher at school? and he said "No". I also said that often people swear because they cannot think of more intelligent ways to describe things. I said it takes more brain power to use descriptive words and I know he's a smart boy.
> 
> I know it can be frustrating.


Sounds horrible. It's not even just the cursing. My ex is one that treats other women badly; she would go on when out and if she saw another woman she'd talk bad, saying stuff like how what some other woman was wearing was ugly or say the way she did her make up was so ugly etc. Not surprisingly she has never had many girlfriends. 

So I am worried my daughter will grow up as a "mean girl".


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

feegero said:


> Sounds horrible. It's not even just the cursing. My ex is one that treats other women badly; she would go on when out and if she saw another woman she'd talk bad, saying stuff like how what some other woman was wearing was ugly or say the way she did her make up was so ugly etc. Not surprisingly she has never had many girlfriends.
> 
> So I am worried my daughter will grow up as a "mean girl".


That's really awful. I would take every opportunity to remind her to be kind to others, boys and girls, men and women. If your daughter spoke like your x wife and said someone was ugly I might say "Real ugliness is on the inside, and if that person knew what you thought it would hurt them so much. I hope you will remember when someone was unkind or said mean things to you- remember what it feels like and never ever make someone feel that way." I also would also use the quote "The only time it's OK to look down on someone is when you are helping them up".

You can only hope that whatever you do helps counteracts your X's behaviour. 

Is there any way you can have a bit more time with your daughter?


----------



## feegero (Mar 1, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> That's really awful. I would take every opportunity to remind her to be kind to others, boys and girls, men and women. If your daughter spoke like your x wife and said someone was ugly I might say "Real ugliness is on the inside, and if that person knew what you thought it would hurt them so much. I hope you will remember when someone was unkind or said mean things to you- remember what it feels like and never ever make someone feel that way." I also would also use the quote "The only time it's OK to look down on someone is when you are helping them up".
> 
> You can only hope that whatever you do helps counteracts your X's behaviour.
> 
> Is there any way you can have a bit more time with your daughter?


I have talked to my ex about having more time and when she kept saying no I even went to court but my ex fought tooth and nail so I wouldn't, and considering how HEAVILY biased the courts are to mothers nothing changed and along with child support and paying for extra stuff daughter needs I still don't get to see her more than this. What's so absurd is I have an engineering job, a nice condo but my ex just works as a grunt at McDonald's and lives in a real crappy apartment.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sorry I might not have read your first post correctly. 

Do you have split custody? So one week on and off?

That's not too bad a result. Unless there are abuse issues or neglect which are so hard to prove the courts won't usually favour one parent over the other. 

However it's great that you can be such a powerful influence in your daughters life. 


I'd just keep on doing what you can and make the time with your daughter count as much as you can. 

I try and do that with my son, just enjoy what time we have together and let go of the things I can't do anything about. But I do get your frustration.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Are there third parties like any other of your family or friends, daycare centers, kindergartens, or sitters of her's that can confirm these problems with this young girls "blue language" usage?

I don't really care about how you feel about the perceived bias of family court judges to more often than not award pimary custody of a child to the female parent, if you report that to the Court, they will take it under due consideration, with the judge taking the daughter alone into chambers and often finding out for themselves the extent of her problem.

I would dare say that when your XW told the Judge that 'Sh!t" was not a bad word, that he would fastly dispatch her to the court's holding cell for contempt of court, to think it over, all while entertaing motions of changing primary custody back over to you!

You need to bring this to the attention of your attorney ASAP!*


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> *Are there third parties like any other of your family or friends, daycare centers, kindergartens, or sitters of her's that can confirm these problems with this young girls "blue language" usage?
> 
> I don't really care about how you feel about the perceived bias of family court judges to more often than not award pimary custody of a child to the female parent, if you report that to the Court, they will take it under due consideration, with the judge taking the daughter alone into chambers and often finding out for themselves the extent of her problem.
> 
> ...


I think you're way optimistic of the court's morality, and the most likely result is the judge throwing the whole thing out and making the OP pay his wife's legal bills. He wouldn't be able to tell his wife not to swear in front of his daughter if they were married... Why should he be able to do it now? 

C


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Telling other adults their language is inappropriate is likely to make them defensive. Most humans are pretty prideful.

For your little girl, I would just say that some words are hurtful, and we don't want to hurt people's feelings. Tell her that you know that she does not like to have her feelings hurt, and you know she does not really want to hurt the feelings of others, either.

Tell her that sometimes we feel angry, and saying hurtful words is a way to let the anger out. Ask her what other ways she can think of to get that anger out.

Sorry to hear about the divorce. Your former wife's financial situation may be making her angry. It may motivate the use of those words.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Tell your daugher not to use those words in your presence and if she does you will punish her. Then follow through with approporaite parental discipline until your duaghter no longer uses these words in your presence.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Tell your daugher not to use those words in your presence and if she does you will punish her. Then follow through with approporaite parental discipline until your duaghter no longer uses these words in your presence.


That risks creating distance.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You see your daughter just every other week? Does that mean your ex gets 26 days a month with her and you get four? It's not your daughter's fault that you made a baby with a potty mouthed woman. You picked her mother. She didn't. You can make all the rules you want for those four days a month you have her, but the person who has her the most will have the greatest influence over her life. Unless her mother does something bad enough to convince a judge to strip her of parental rights and hand custody to you, I don't see there's an awful lot you can do. It's a terribly sad situation. You might learn from it and in the future don't have sex with any woman who wouldn't make a decent mother.


----------



## feegero (Mar 1, 2015)

*LittleDeer* said:


> Sorry I might not have read your first post correctly.
> 
> Do you have split custody? So one week on and off?
> 
> ...


I have her weekends; every other weekend. Meanwhile she gets her all week. And it's not because I live far away, it's only a 15 minute drive. And not to derail this topic but the courts will indeed show favoritism. During the custody battle my ex made up some BS sob story about me being a bad father and was crying her eyes out the whole time (while no doubt laughing her butt off on the inside) and the (female) judge gave her primary custody. 

Thing is when my daughter is here she has even said she likes it more because there's more room (ex lives in a one bedroom apt and shares it with daughter while she has her own room at my condo), more toys, etc.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

feegero said:


> I have tried explaining to my daughter not to say such things but since her mother has her most of the time I can only do so much.


How did you explain it to her?

I'm guilty of cursing in front of my daughter.

I explained to her that people might think less of her if she uses those words because she's little and people don't expect kids to use them.

She wants to be liked by people so she's doesn't use curse words because of this.

Often kids don't understand why or even care if there is no ramification for their behaviour so they aren't motivated to alter it.

Give her a reason she cares about.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

feegero said:


> I have her weekends; every other weekend. Meanwhile she gets her all week. And it's not because I live far away, it's only a 15 minute drive. And not to derail this topic but the courts will indeed show favoritism. During the custody battle my ex made up some BS sob story about me being a bad father and was crying her eyes out the whole time (while no doubt laughing her butt off on the inside) and the (female) judge gave her primary custody.
> 
> Thing is when my daughter is here she has even said she likes it more because there's more room (ex lives in a one bedroom apt and shares it with daughter while she has her own room at my condo), more toys, etc.


Not to further derail...but in my state, the family courts are so biased towards women, it's laughable.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Kids (and everyone else) are more convinced by what we do than what we say. If you don't want her using bad language, then you don't use bad language and don't listen to or watch media with bad language. If your actions don't match your words, it won't matter what you say to her.


----------



## feegero (Mar 1, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Not to further derail...but in my state, the family courts are so biased towards women, it's laughable.


Yep, same in my state. Seriously, my ex works a crappy minimum wage job, lives in a crappy apt with no room for daughter and few toys, nothing past a high school education yet I am an engineer and have a nice condo with her own room yet here she gets primary custody, gets child support and is laughing the whole time. Oh, and I doubt she uses the CS for daughter, she doesn't have much but the times I have gone over there the ex sure does have a nice shoe/purse/clothes collection. 

Sorry if I sound bitter, but can you blame me? I don't care about me or my ex, I do care about my daughter first and foremost yet obviously the courts don't give a ****! I love my daughter and spend what time I can but it's not enough.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

feegero said:


> Yep, same in my state. Seriously, my ex works a crappy minimum wage job, lives in a crappy apt with no room for daughter and few toys, nothing past a high school education yet I am an engineer and have a nice condo with her own room yet here she gets primary custody, gets child support and is laughing the whole time. Oh, and I doubt she uses the CS for daughter, she doesn't have much but the times I have gone over there the ex sure does have a nice shoe/purse/clothes collection.
> 
> Sorry if I sound bitter, but can you blame me? I don't care about me or my ex, I do care about my daughter first and foremost yet obviously the courts don't give a ****! I love my daughter and spend what time I can but it's not enough.


My ex works as a freelance yoga instructor and takes a business loss on it while in addition to child support, I pay her alimony and pay the loan on her vehicle...


----------



## feegero (Mar 1, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> My ex works as a freelance yoga instructor and takes a business loss on it while in addition to child support, I pay her alimony and pay the loan on her vehicle...


I feel ya brother. Fortunately we weren't married long enough for her to get alimony. Still I praise the gods I never did.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

feegero said:


> Sounds horrible. It's not even just the cursing. My ex is one that treats other women badly; she would go on when out and if she saw another woman she'd talk bad, saying stuff like how what some other woman was wearing was ugly or say the way she did her make up was so ugly etc. Not surprisingly she has never had many girlfriends.
> 
> So I am worried my daughter will grow up as a "mean girl".


Was your ex like this before you married her?


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Try to emphasise to your ex that you're thinking about your daughter and that's all. It's not about you or her but about your daughter and the problems cursing is going to cause her. Maybe that will get her out of defensive mode (assuming she is). Other than just all you can do is be a good dad when you have your girl. If at all possible try to get more visitation so you'll have more enfluence over her.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Was your ex like this before you married her?


He said that she's always been one to curse a lot... 

C


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> He said that she's always been one to curse a lot...
> 
> C


I asked him because I'm not sure why this is bothering him.

If she cursed when they dated, after they married, before they had a child; I'm not sure why her cursing in front of their child bothers him. It did not bother him when he was 'in love'.

After all what did he expect? For her to become someone else after she had a baby?

OP, you had a baby with a woman who curses. You had a baby with a woman who works at Walmart. You chose her as the mother of your child. Now you do not get to turn around and judge her for being the person she has always been.

You are not a better parent for a child just because you have a bigger apartment and a better job.

My son's father tried that in court. One of his arguments for him getting sole or primary custody was that he was better than me. After all he is a physician and I'm just a lowly engineer. Yes his team of 3 attorneys actually put that in their custody argument. They were obviously just glad to get his money, regardless how stupid his argument is.

The judge laughed.

When I was growing up we usually lived in houses with 3 bedroom: my parent's room, the girls room (5 girls sleeping in one bedroom) and the boy's room (3 boys sleeping in one bedroom).

We had very few toys. Our imagination, reading and pencil/paper, and playing outside where all the toys we needed.

I guess by your standards I was highly deprived. I can assure you there was no deprivation going on. Looking back I would have hated my own room. I had all my friends (my sisters and brothers) right there with me all the time. Toy? Toys can be very boring. Imagination is the best toy there is.

Now I think that you should have your daughter 50% of the time. I believe in 50/50 because both parents are important to a child. Yes even a mother who works at Walmart and has a small place to live.

I get that you are upset that she has more time with your child. I'd be upset too.

But you will not convince many people what she's a bad mother because she works at Walmart and has a small apartment. 

You also cannot argue that she's a bad mother when she is exactly the mother you PICKED for your child.

Your daughter tells you that she prefers being at your place because of more space and more toys. 



> Thing is when my daughter is here she has even said she likes it more because there's more room (ex lives in a one bedroom apt and shares it with daughter while she has her own room at my condo), more toys, etc.


Look at that. She is saying that she prefers your place because of material things. And you think this is somehow proving that it would be better for her to be with you? If my kid was more about toys and his own room I would not be pleased.

I have no doubt that she tells her mother that she prefers with her for some reason or another. Children do that. They will butter up which ever parent they are with at the moment. She loves both of you. Do not expect her to pick sides. If she says that she prefers it at your place. Let her know that you are glad that she likes being with you. Then tell her that you know that she likes being with her mother too. This will make it clear to her that it's ok for her to love both of her parents and she does not have to butter you up to prove that she loves you.


If you want more time with your child, start interviewing attorneys until you find one who knows how to get this done. But you will not win any more time with your child if you try to prove her a bad mother when she was ok for your pick as a mother.

Courts do not like changing status quo. So you have to give a compelling reason as to why this is better for your daughter. And you will need a plan for easing into more time with her.

I have no doubt that you love your daughter and are a good father. I do think that you are grasping at ways to justify that you should have more time with her. It's not because your ex is a bad mother. It's because she needs equal time with both parents.

Here where I live there is an organization called "Fathers and Family" they help men with the issues you have such as getting more time with their children. They also provide counseling and parenting studies to the courts. You can ask for a parenting study. It would go a long way to help you.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I am constantly amazed at the folks who are perfectly acceptable to marry or to make babies with but then they somehow become completely deviant or insane when it comes to child rearing. A woman wanted me to go to juvenile court last week and testify that her ex husband was a huge druggie and an unfit parent because he was a druggie. The guy was a druggie before she met him, the whole time she was with him, when she stood up and said "I do" next to him. If he wasn't into drugs she wouldn't have been interested in him. She picked the father of her child and he's the same guy now as the one she picked.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Unfortunate you knocked up someone with low class; did you know this about her before you had a child with her?

Right now tell you ex that you're genuinely sorry she's ok with modeling low class trash in front of your daughter. Then set rules for what's acceptable in your presence. Tell your daughter that people who speak like this are viewed poorly by others and you're sure she doesn't want people to think poorly of her. 

My kids know they can pee by the side of the house like low class ******** with their dad, but they wouldn't dare with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I hope your ex old lady has a solid job...

In a few years she is going to be leaving work in the middle of the day to go pick up the kid.

At least that's how it went for us...my old lady was a SAHM and school was across the street so it was so phucked up having to go get my kid for cussing.

Your ex old lady really won't get it until her and her daughter have a conversation and every other word will be a cuss word...only then will she see what she has created.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

the guy said:


> I hope your ex old lady has a solid job...
> 
> *In a few years she is going to be leaving work in the middle of the day to go pick up the kid.*
> 
> ...


This might not happen at all. When my kids were in 6th grade, hey had a teach who told that there is no such thing as a bad word. That it was all relative and means nothing. Apparently, most if not all the teacher felt that way.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

feegero said:


> What's so absurd is I have an engineering job, a nice condo but my ex just works as a grunt at McDonald's and lives in a real crappy apartment.


That in and of itself should NOT make a difference in the eyes of the court, and should never be used by either party in a divorce to get more time with the children, over the parent who has less. Having a strong relationship with her mother is far more important than a flash house and material possessions.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

frusdil said:


> That in and of itself should NOT make a difference in the eyes of the court, and should never be used by either party in a divorce to get more time with the children, over the parent who has less. Having a strong relationship with her mother is far more important than a flash house and material possessions.


Yep, and as unbelievable correctly pointed out it was probably ok that she was a grunt working at mcdonalds until they split up and now all of a sudden it's not. 

But he can still set acceptable standards when she's with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife will cuss around the kids, especially when she's mad about something - when I say something, she usually gives me an "I don't care", or will say something along the lines that they can cuss if they use the word in the correct way (they're three and a half). 

In our case, it's immaturity - wife is about as mature as a 12 year old (she will burp loudly in front of the kids and laugh about it). This is one reason that we really don't have much of a relationship - I feel like I'm living with a middle school child. My problem is that I didn't really notice the immaturity until the kids came along.


----------

