# Separated and not handling it well



## muss08 (Apr 29, 2009)

My wife and I have only been married 2 months and we are already separated. I am 28 and we have been dating for 9 years- living together for 5. We have one child together- a 5 year old son and she has a daughter from a previous relationship who is 10. I've basically raised her. I'm not entirely sure how we got to this point. We've been having problems for years... she's depressed, we dont spend much time together, we dont go out enough, etc. 
Throughout the past few years we have each really tried to reconnect, unfortunately the other person hasnt tried back at the same time. So it has never worked. I love her with all my heart and do not want this. At all. At first- the talk wasnt about just being separated it was about divorce. I wrote her a sweet letter and told her how i felt and that i was willing to do anything to make our marraige work. Honestly- besides our kids my marraige is the most important thing to me in this world. After the letter she wanted to talk more and decided we should separate for awhile. For the kids sake, we are taking turns staying at our house while the other one is at their parents. We each stay at the house a week at a time. 
She did offer to go to counseling which does give me some hope. I had brought up counseling a few weeks ago and she said no. Im just concerned that she is offering to go to counseling so then she can feel better about herself. Then she can say she tried everything. I dont know if she is going to put her all into this. I really hope she does.
Now I dont know how to act when Im around her. Should i be sweet and loving? Distant? I dont want to be pushy but I dont want her to think I dont care. I'm so confused. I miss her so bad. I miss being in our home and a family. Can anyone offer some advice? Thank you


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm not sure I can offer advice; I have been separated over a year and now I'm getting a divorce. I do offer you encouragement though. The key to saving a marriage is having both partners committed to saving the marriage. Unless both people want that, everything will be futile. It took me a year to realize that. Now as I reflect, I can see I wasted a lot of time on someone who wasn't even interested. Sad, but true. Counseling is a great place to start


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have a lot of experience with depression and it's not easy to handle life situations sometimes. It sounds like you can't even pinpoint what the marriage problems are. I hope your counselor can. I agree it is difficult to save a marriage when one person doesn't want to.


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## muss08 (Apr 29, 2009)

Thank you so much for your replies. We had our first therapy session lastnight. Really liked the therapist- my wife said she likes her as well but Im not sure. She gave us two assignments- for us each to make a caring list (small gestures we would like the other person to do to show they care) and to have a date night once a week. Well- she doesnt seem like she wants to do either. She told me that there isnt anything she would want me to do to show her that I care and she has to think about doing a date night. This morning I told her I would like for her to come over tomorrow night and I would make dinner. I asked her to be here at 7. Well, she made up a couple of excuses so that's a no go. I'm really losing hope and I am starting to move on to anger. I really dont think she is being completely honest with me about wanting this to work. Like i said previously I really think she is doing this so she doesnt feel as bad. We talked a bit on sunday and she told me she is finally really happy now that we are separated. She's going out- hanging out with her friends- she doesnt have to take care of the kids (we are splitting weeks with the kids) all the time- etc. I just wish she would tell me the truth! I dont want to waste my time, money or emotional investment if she really doesnt want this to work!


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## muss08 (Apr 29, 2009)

Well, we talked this evening and she doesn't want this to work. Its basically over- i dont know what to do. She was the love of my life and I let her get away. This is the most horrible thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm very sorry Muss08. I really know how hard all of this is. At least this isn't being dragged out over years--like in my case. The sooner you can move on, the better. Just focus on "you" now and take one day at a time. Try to be among friends and family for they will give you strength and comfort.


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## muss08 (Apr 29, 2009)

Okay- well now she has lost it. The house we have lived in together for the past 5 years we rent and is owned by my mother. We were actually getting ready to buy it from her so my mom is very happy that never happened because she still has no legal right to it. Anyways, we talked this morning about when she would be getting the kids for mother's day. During that conversation she said there is alot we need to talk about. She brought up money, and living situation. I said on the living situation that I thought you would be staying at your mom's from now on. She asked me if I was kicking her out. I said no you are leaving. I told her it was very unrealistic for her to think she should still stay here even though she is leaving. After all this is my mother's house. My mother is not going to make me have to leave the house I grew up in to make things easier for my wife. Do you think this is how it should be? Is it unrealistic for her to expect to still stay here? Especially since this is still my mother's house and she is the one walking out on the marraige?
Next the conversation made a sudden turn to custody. She told me that if this is how I was going to act then she was going to take me to court- go after full custody of our son and make sure I never see HER daughter again. I couldnt believe that! I never thought she would sink that low. But now my question is- when it is my time to get the kids back next sunday- what do i do if she refuses to let me take them? What is the proper way to handle that situation? I REALLY need some advice!!!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hate to say this, but it's time for a lawyer..........


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## muss08 (Apr 29, 2009)

Well, despite all that was said sunday I am finding it easier and easier to forgive her although I dont want to. I'm still in love with her though. I have come to find out that she feels extremely guilty about the things that were said. She also feels extremely alone. Would it be stupid of me to contact her this weekend to talk? Or should I just continue not talking to her and hope that she comes to me? I'm so confused


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Talk to a lawyer. Get on with your life. I know it hurts...been there, got the tee shirt to prove it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It can be difficult to reconcile the relationship that you remember and desire with your partner, against the emotional disaster of what is taking place in terms of a separation.

Your partner is guarded, angry, and completely focused upon what she wants and needs - and quite frankly, you are in her way.

No amount of niceties, kind words, pleading, sweet letters or tears is going to change her perception. You can't _win_ her over with emotion.

But ... I guarantee, the moment you decide that you are going to fight for _you_, the picture changes. The problem is, is that _you_ must believe it.

It seems counterintuitive, but the more you stand up for yourself, the more likely she is to change her tune. 
Right now, she wants to harm you. And if you simply roll over? She will continue to do so. 

Grieve the loss of what you had. Accept the grim reality of what you have. Stand firm for yourself and your son.
You gain absolutely nothing by letting yourself be victimized. It isn't noble, it has absolutely nothing to do with love, and it isn't healthy. Find your feet. Take some control back. Do see a lawyer. Do continue to go to therapy. You cannot make things ok for her, you can only do that for yourself.


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## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

That's an amazing post Deejo, really. That's something that I think a lot of people need to hear and everyday that they are feeling the need to reach out re-read your post.

It's what I just needed at least and did help me to put a hold on the thoughts of trying to contact her. 

I don't mean to hijack this thread but Deejo would you please look over my post and read the email that I sent my W. I'd love to get your opinion.

Muss08 I completely agree with Deejo. You have to start the process and move towards changing the way that you live your life and find your happiness. I know that you have probably heard this before but you have to find your happiness within yourself and yourself alone. If you let this person be your only source of happiness your relationship will never work. 

Make strides towards making yourself happy by yourself and move towards moving on. You can't and won't control how she feels in anyway. If she makes the decision to come back it has to be her decision and her decision alone.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Well said Deejo


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