# Any change for us?.. In need of help!



## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi,

This is my first post, even though I´ve been reading this forum for a while.

We have 2 children, been together for 12 years and generally happy.

3 years ago we radically changed our lives. We moved to a different country, and it wasn´t easy. My wife (we´re not married but she´s my wife!) started a new job and it´s taken all of her free time. When she does have some spare time, she´s too exhausted to do anything.

I quit my job and started working from home. I´m usually the one looking after our kids, from morning till they go to bed. I´m very happy with what I do for a job, it´s been a dream of mine for some time, however, because I´m constantly with the kids, my business is suffering. I can´t rely on my wife to help because she believes she needs to be at work for 15 hours straight to prove her worth to the bosses. I need to tell you that all the extra time she puts in at work is not rewarded financially. In other words, if she works her contracted 40 hours or an extra 40 a week, her salary doesn´t change. Very often she rings me to say she´s leaving work, I prepare dinner for everyone, and she arrives 3 hours later because "something came up and I couldn´t turn my back on the team". I also rarely hear from her all day, be it a phone call or a simple text. She´s an hour´s drive away from work, and I worry a lot because she told me that she once nodded off and almost crashed...

She´s been in robot mode for 3 years and we´ve been moving further apart in our relationship. I´ve always loved her very much, always been a hopeless romantic, and always tried, everyday, to let her know how much I love her. I feel I´ve changed because I have no reaction from her. It´s as if I know that even if I make an effort, it won´t be recognised. Making love, or even sex, is rare, and when it happens I´m the one initiating it, often to a very cold response, and with a sense of "I have to do it or he´ll be annoyed"

I´ve not felt like a "proper" man in a very long time. I see no desired from her part to be with me. I´ve confronted her several times about this, to the point that our latest arguments always end up with either of us saying that we should end this. Even though the negative feelings inside me are steering me to do it, I do believe there is always hope for us. I keep reminding myself why we fell in love in the first place, and I try and fight to bring that feeling back. She keeps giving me reasons why she´s like that: "Tiredness, anemia, the weather, feel sad about the move, too much work", but, even thought I tried to make her see that she does need to find a way to balance her work-life ratio and she agrees, 2 weeks later we´re back to where we were... It´s as if she doesn´t care about what might happen.

I honestly don´t know what to do. I´ve put my life on hold for her to be able to work as much as she needs, but I´m starting to realise it was a mistake. She does tell me she loves me very much and I believe her, but if so, why am I not happy?...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She sounds like a workaholic. It's an addiction although it sounds like she's in denial.

Of course you are suffering & sadly, so are your children.

I would treat her like any other addict, drugs, alcohol, etc. - with compassion & empathy & suggestions that she get professional help.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi Emerald

Thank you for your reply.

I keep trying to make her see that and her reply is always the same - "but it's my job!". We end up argueing even though I try to be as calm and assertive as I can be.

I feel we're drifting apart and our relationship is dying. I really don't want t start looking at other women to validate myself as a man, but 3 years is a long time and I see no changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I highly recommend you download and read a book called Married Man Sex Life. It explains some of the things that come up in married life that cause women to lose attraction to the H. Notice I didn't say anything about losing interest in sex.

Most workaholics have sense enough to run a cost benefit analysis in their heads and can figure out if extra hours are really going to pay off. I think the first thing you need to do is to find out exactly what she's up to at all hours. The fact that your wife gets pissed when you try to initiate sex is a red flag. The showing up 3 hours late is also a red flag. Velcro a VAR to the bottom of her driver's seat and GPS the car. Does she guard her phone or have a password on it?

As for the kids negatively impacting your career, pay for some help in the home.

MMSL will give you a lot of understanding as to what is going on her head and how to deal with it and get you back as the center or her attention. Start finding out what's going on.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

She is in a “proving herself at work” mode. 3 years is a little bit too much. She needs help in how to deal with bosses. May be she should start look for another job with better paycheck. Either she’ll get another job, maybe same stressful but at least with better pay, or her boss will finally give her a raise.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd be emphasizing that she can only have one top priority, and finding out if she wants it to be your relationship or that particular job.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Hi Machiavelli,

I know for a fact that she isn´t cheating. This is all related to work and workaholism. It´s killing our relationship and I don´t know what else to do.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Hekati.

I know her job is stressful, but as stressful as it can be, it comes a point in your day that you simply have to leave it behind and come back to your family. The thing is, she never switches off... The only time she stays awake until a bit later, after the kids have gone to bed, is when she´s watching one of her favourite TV series. I can´t get her to show any interest in being with me, alone, at night. If there aren´t any of favourite TV series on, she simply falls asleep on the sofa...

We´ve not been intimate in quite some time, and when it happend it was because I initiated it and it felt like she was making a sacrifice. She usually says that after we get going, she really enjoys it, but I´m so tired of not feeling wanted that I don´t know what else to do.

I honestly believe she´s sick but she says she´s just tired... 3 years is enough to ruin a relationship, as much patience as one might have...


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

KathyBatesel, you´re so right! I´ve asked the same question countless times, and even though the reply is yes, she wants the family, her actions differ form reality. She spends the whole day without ringing me, or texting me even once. I have the kids with me and she trusts that I look after them even if she decides to stay at work an extra 2 or 3 hours... This is really sad, because for the past 3 years I´ve stopped thinking about myself, being myself, just so that she can be free to do her best at work. My life is on hold, looking after the kids and not giving the proper importance to my business as I should.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

All I ask is for her to go to work, do what she has to do, and have the respect to leave on time so I can have a life as well.

There´s no "us" time anymore.

I mentioned the fact that I think she should see someone in regards to the issue of working like she does and she almost decapitated me, shouting that she knows best and doesn´t need any help.

Sad to see this relationship sink...


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## sunnysky (Feb 11, 2013)

Ist I would like to say congratulation on being a great dad still the one. I have a question for you? Do she every say statements like we need more money how will the bills get paid


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

sunnysky said:


> Ist I would like to say congratulation on being a great dad still the one. I have a question for you? Do she every say statements like we need more money how will the bills get paid


Hi sunnysky,

She does mention that she works as hard as she does for us, for the family (it´s not enough to support us on her salary alone). What I don´t understand is that she works such long hours, without getting paid overtime. She has a managerial position with a lot of responsibility, but I feel she doesn´t know how to balance her work-life relation.

The annoying thing is that I too work, I have my own business, and I could be doing much, much better, if we really worked as a team.

These past 3 or 4 years have been a nightmare for me and the kids. I feel like a single dad, really...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If she's saying that she wants her family to be a priority but her actions aren't backing it up, then you need to do a couple of things: 

1. Tell her what you said here. "I will know that we're a priority to you and I'll feel more loved if you stop working overtime. When you work such long hours without getting paid, it makes me feel unimportant and I will always see it that way." 

2. If she continues to work like that, break things off. If she cuts back her hours and wants to stay together, let her know that you need her word that she will limit her work hours and that you'll leave for good if you continue to believe that she prioritizes work over her family.


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## sunnysky (Feb 11, 2013)

StillTheOne said:


> Hi sunnysky,
> 
> She does mention that she works as hard as she does for us, for the family (it´s not enough to support us on her salary alone). What I don´t understand is that she works such long hours, without getting paid overtime. She has a managerial position with a lot of responsibility, but I feel she doesn´t know how to balance her work-life relation.
> 
> ...


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## sunnysky (Feb 11, 2013)

focus on making more money and when she see that more money is rolling in. she will cut back on her work hours


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> If she's saying that she wants her family to be a priority but her actions aren't backing it up, then you need to do a couple of things:
> 
> 1. Tell her what you said here. "I will know that we're a priority to you and I'll feel more loved if you stop working overtime. When you work such long hours without getting paid, it makes me feel unimportant and I will always see it that way."
> 
> 2. If she continues to work like that, break things off. If she cuts back her hours and wants to stay together, let her know that you need her word that she will limit her work hours and that you'll leave for good if you continue to believe that she prioritizes work over her family.


Hi KathyBatesel

I´ve tried this approach already, but she knows I wouldn´t simply abandon my kids. They still need to get to school on time, have their lunch packs done, get picked up and taken to their after school activities, dinner, etc. It´s really hard for me to simply turn my back on them, because it´s not their fault this is happening and they shouldn´t have to suffer. On the other hand, it means I´m home, it means she can still ring me to say she needs an extra 2 hours at work to finish God knows what...

Please help me to believe there is still hope, because after all this time, I´m lost. I´ve tried being the romantic, attending to her every needs, but to no avail. I need to believe this is a symptom of something that needs to be cured, but it takes two to do it, not just myself...


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

sunnysky said:


> focus on making more money and when she see that more money is rolling in. she will cut back on her work hours


Sunnysky, in the past I had a great job that provided for us to live comfortably. She had her job and the attitude was very similar to what it is now. It´s as if she´s always trying to prove herself for some reason. Her dad was like this and it led to their parents splitting up when she was younger, leaving some deep scars on her brother. I really do believe that she has those scars as well, but because she was forced to grow up and live independently so early in life, she manages to hide them. She never had anyone tell her was is right and wrong, nor did she have any good examples of a healthy relationship, and she always made their decisions by herself, always believing they were the right ones.

Do I keep investing on this relationship and hope she comes to her senses, or are 4 years (and a few signs before that) enough?..

Help...


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