# I snooped. Now what? :(



## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

In the 12 years we've been together, I've never snooped. Well last week my curiosity got the best of me and I went through H's emails. He always seemed to have money yet I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Well know I have a better idea.

- He's maxxed out 2 credit cards (relatively low limits 1000k and 300, but we just filed bankruptcy less than a year ago)
- He sold a very expensive watch that was given to him by a now deceased family member for half of it's value (5k)
- He took out a personal signature loan (I don't know the amount but his email to a friend asking for a loan to pay the signature loan off said the loan was at 29.99% interest and he was asking for 1700)
- Sold another watch for $450 (i didn't even know he had this watch - have no idea where it came from)
- Sold a camcorder that I bought him - explains why he couldn't find it when I ask him about it so we could use it on vacation.

All of this occurred in the last 3 months and it definitely explains why he always seems to have money to buy things and why I can't figure out where it is coming from (when I ask he always has some story - he got a great deal or the item was "free", "given" to him etc. - his luck seemed to good to be true hence the reason I finally broke down and snooped.)

I also discovered that he did the following:

Applied for an Auto loan on 6/2 and 6/14 for a 2009 BMW (I assume he was not approved as I have not seen a new car appear - he has bought 3 cars in the past without telling me beforehand). 

- He also made multiple expensive purchase (a new Bose headset in April for $350, new iphone, new philip stein watch, etc.)
- Got new credit card in March that he did not discuss with me first or tell me about until it came it and he started using it.

Now what? Whenever I try to discuss issues around money he says he doesn't want to talk about money. I feel completely betrayed and am worried he is going to take us right back to bankruptcy. 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I should approach this since the information was discovered by snooping? I know he will be angry but I feel that I have every right to be angry and feel justified in my actions given his unwillingness to discuss our finances.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lonely73 said:


> In the 12 years we've been together, I've never snooped. Well last week my curiosity got the best of me and I went through H's emails. He always seemed to have money yet I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. Well know I have a better idea.
> 
> - He's maxxed out 2 credit cards (relatively low limits 1000k and 300, but we just filed bankruptcy less than a year ago)
> - He sold a very expensive watch that was given to him by a now deceased family member for half of it's value (5k)
> ...


You have every right to snoop given his odd behavior. Wow bankruptcy in the states must not be as big a deal in States as in Canada. Before me my H filed and it took years before he could get a credit card and I had to co-sign car loan. Mental illness? Shopping addiction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow. I don't know what to tell you.

Can you confront him and cancel the cards?


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## mrsunshine (Jun 27, 2011)

Maybe an obvious question - Is he employed?

By the way,,,,,,,,,,I have a seven figure net worth and I drive a 2010 Toyota Corrolla LE (the low end version). Nobody needs to drive a BMW - they are waste of money.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

All cars are a waste of money! Lol. Don't feel bad snooping. His selfishness is affecting your family security. He has no right to do those things without discussing with you.

Do you have kids, btw?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I think you come clean to him about the snooping and apologize to him for snooping. You then tell him that you know about the loans, credit cards, etc. and ask him when would be a good time to talk about it. More than likely, he is going to be upset from the snooping and you finding out about his spending habits and will not really be able to carry on a rational conversation. Good luck.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Ugh.
Here is what you could do, assuming you are in the US.
Get a free credit report with the extended listings of cards and loans histories and do this for both you and your H.
Talk to him about your concerns. 
Then go jointly to a credit counseling service.
I think it is rational to look at credit ratings and histories together once a year with transparency. This would not be snooping.
It would be a normal part of sharing your life with someone, finances being one of them. Since you are legally responsible for any debt if he should pass away or become disabled, etc.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I would consult an attorney, because as I understand it, generally a spouse is not liable for the debt of the other spouse unless the expense is a NECESSITY for both parties. i.e. Medical expenses, utilities. Dependent on the state where you live.

Purchasing personal items such as a new Bose headphones, new BMW, etc is not considered as a necessity.

Find and attorney who specializes on financial matters.

Here's an interesting article regarding CC debts by one of the spouse.
Debt - Is a Spouse Responsible for The Credit Card Debt of The Other Spouse


Good Luck


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

It sounds to me like there's a deeper issue here... I can see you're worried about him dragging you into the poor house (I can sooo relate)...but it also seems to be a deeper level of dishonesty on your husband's part. Men can and do make alot of dumb choices and don't tell us things they should...and I back you in being mad about that...I'd be completely livid. But it seems too that your husband is "up to something." Why does he need all these particular 'status symbols'??? Is it to make himself feel better? Is it to 'pretend' to have more money than he actually has? Or is it for something more "sinister"...does he have another woman he's interested in whom he's trying to impress? 
I don't mean to make you worry more...it just seems like it's deeper than him just being a dope with money... it seems like there's more going on with him than you know...
Maybe you should keep quiet and see what else you can find out? 
In any case, it sucks that he's being so dishonest...


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

Well I couldn't wait any longer. Last night shortly after my original post, I sat H down and apoligized for snooping, but told him that I had discovered some things and I had questions. I asked some hard questions and his response was to pack his bags and leave. He didn't answere a single question. He tried to craft a few lies, but none of them made any sense (ex. he told me the email to his friend asking for a loan was really because his friend needed a loan - this make no sense). 

I found him sleeping in his car in the garage this morning. I will be going to stay with family this evening after work. I told him were I would be if he needed anything and his only response was "ok". 

I still have no idea what he is up to and it appears my marriage may be over. I really thought he would be willing to work on things once we talked. Now I feel like I have no idea who this person is that I shared my life with for the past 12 years. 

That really hurts.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Wow, Lonely, I'm so sorry!!! That's awful 
I want to share with you that my exH did the same *exact* thing! When he was confronted with proof of his philandering or whatever crime it was at the time, he got all sad and mopey and said he knew our marriage was over and it was all his fault, yadda yadda yadda--and disappeared into the cold winter night. I felt terrible figuring he'd gone off and was going to freeze to death somewhere and it would be all my fault--so I keep calling his phone and trying to track him down for hours--only to find him sleeping in the garage with a scuzzy little blanket. At the time, it broke my heart and made me sad for him--but knowing about NPD now, I just think what a tool he was for trying to make me feel sorry for him--and he truly *wasn't* sorry. 
The thing too that I can relate too is that ultimately, when I did finally get out, I felt like I didn't know him at all. He had this secret life that I didn't know about and all of it was geared toward getting him narcissistic supply. Initially the shock and awe of realizing I was living with a total stranger was enough to give me a nervous breakdown--but once I started counseling and learning about his disorder, I was able to come to terms.

I hope that whatever you ultimately decide to do, you will keep taking care of yourself and make sure to put yourself first. See a counselor and do whatever it is to make you right with yourself. Dealing with this kind of person will take a heavy toll on you so please take care.


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

He called me yesterday evening. Says he wants to work on the marriage and he is sorry but he's still not being honest with me. He told me that the $1700 he was asking to borrow from his friend was actually so that his friend could show an ex-girlfriend (whom he claims he has been loaning money to for the past 5 years) an email that he had to deny a friend a loan so that she would believe him when he said he didn't have any money to loan her. Even as I type this it sounds more and more ridiculous. 

My question to him was if that is the truth, why couldn't he just tell me that when I ask initially? Now he's had 2 days to come up with a story ... and not a very believable one at that. His response was that he didn't want to embarrass his friend... a friend I have no contact with that lives halfway across the country. How dumb does he think I am?!


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Lonely73,
Let him also know that you would like to work on the marriage (which I am sure you have done). Let him know that you want complete honesty and then reassure him that you will stay and work on the marriage even if he tells you things you don't want to hear. Let him know that if he is not completely honest that your desire to work on the marriage will fade. In a relationship honesty fosters trust, and trust fosters intimacy.


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

So in response to this email that H sent:

_hope you sleep well tonight! I do not feel very good, I have a stomach ache and I am tired. I am going to bed early. I feel a little better after our conversation this evening; I realize I need to make some changes and I plan to make some. I won't explain it all because as you point out, their just words and we need action. I really dont like the fact that I hurt you, it is not intentional, I promise! I want to make this marriage work because I like you and I love you! Hope to see you soon.

Loves!_


I sent this email:



_I want to respond to the email you sent me. I would like to work on the marriage, but I can't do it alone. Right now I feel deceived, and I want complete honesty in our relationship. I will commit to working on our marriage even if you tell me things I don't want to hear as long as you are honest with me. If you are not completely honest then my desire to work on our relationship will fade.

I’m looking for a partner that wants to SHARE a life with me; not simply exist in my life or have me exist in theirs. You need to think about whether that is truly what you want also. I’m not content to have a marriage without companionship. Marriage just for the sake of being married doesn’t work for me anymore. I’ve been trying to tell you this for quite a while now and have really just reached the point that I can no longer try to fix and patch things on my own. 

If you still think you want to work on our relationship, I feel that if we are to make any progress we need to go to marriage counseling so that we can improve our communication. Below is the contact information for a MFT that was recommended to me. She is in ____ Beach. I know that you have been against this in the past, but for me I feel this is necessary and important. It is your call though. If you decide to make an appointment, please let me know.

I’m still having a hard time with your explanation of the email you sent to Friend and the fact that you sold your step-dad’s watch (shortly after you ask for a loan from Friend). I feel like there is something you are not telling me. Now is the time to come clean if there is more to the story. If I find out that you have not been completely honest with me (even if it’s by omission) after being given multiple opportunities to tell the truth, I’ll have no choice but to end our relationship. I cannot be with someone who is unwilling to be honest with me. 

I’m sorry you are hurting and I’m sorry things have come to this. I do love you very much, but for me it has reached the point that love just isn’t enough. I want and need more to be happy. I need to be included, I need to feel wanted and I want a companion. I hope you are able to understand where I am coming from, but understand if you do not agree and want to move towards a different path. 

If you don’t think that you can accept my requests or that we can work towards a compromise to make the relationship work, please let me know. I’d rather work through the heartache now and get to a place where I can be happy rather than be strung along only to end up right where we are now 6 months down the road. I’m not saying this to be mean or negative; I’m simply saying this because I believe we both deserve to be happy.

I love you and hope you are willing to fight for our relationship.

Love,
me_

Unfortunately after he read my email he has decided that he thinks it is best for me that we go our seperate ways. He said he is who he is and he can't make changes.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Lonely, it sounds like he know's he's caught dead bang, and has no out but to 'call it quits'... I think knowing you're onto him has thrown his game all out of whack. Again I say, from personal experience with NPD, when they're caught and cornered, they will cut their losses and leave the relationship...after crying and being pitiful stop working.
I won't presume to tell you what to do next but I do recommend very strongly that you go to whatever means you have to to protect your assets. When someone with NPD abandons one source of supply, they will take everything they can to bolster their ego--often their ego and monetary worth are intertwined...so when you split, he might try to take more than his fair share of things.
Look out for yourself!
I hope though whatever happens, you take care of you, first!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You haven't asked for anything unreasonable, in fact you were more than fair in your request. If he doesn't have the capability of facing his problem then there's nothing you can do to make him.

You need to file for several reasons-

1) first and foremost you need to protect yourself- his horrible money management habits will destroy your credit (and it already has I'm guessing) and the sooner you can separate yourself and your accounts from his the better.

2) The shock of divorce may actually push him into reality (and it may not either of course) and actually push him to getting help

3) he is choosing to be selfish and would rather satisfy his expensive tastes over your marriage/love- do you really want to be with a person like that and refuses to change?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Excellent email. I think you said everything clearly and to the point. You let him know how you feel about him and that you wanted to work on the marriage. As far as changes, he is apparently not ready, but you can make changes for yourself. Work on improving yourself, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. Work on being a stronger woman. Whether the relationship works out or not, you will be stronger.

I do not think you need to file for divorce right away. Separating out bank accounts, maybe, to protect yourself. Filing for divorce is about step number 50. Step #1 was letting him know that you wanted the relationship to work out even after he was completely honest with you. Step #2 is working on improving yourself. I would still go to counseling as a means of strengthening yourself mentally and emotionally. Nevertheless, WTG with the email. It seemed well thought out and well presented.


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

Thanks for the encouragement and support from all. I took your advice Riverside MFT and that was the foundation for my email to H. At this point I will just take one day at a time. He seems to be going back and forth on wanting to save the relationship and wanting to give up. 

I have already seperated our finances, but will continue to give him money to help cover our lease, until it is up (3 months). My hope is that by then we will be in a better place, but if not we will each move into our own apartments and my financial help will end. I'm definitely not ready to file for divorce.


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## amarige (Jun 6, 2011)

Wow, I am so sorry to hear this final response from your H. However, I was married 14 years and never snooped until year 14; when I suspected an affair. (consequently, I was right). It was only then that I uncovered thousands of dollars in debt that I didn't even know. You did the right thing by confronting him. I confronted my STBX too and he didn't answer any questions either. He only made excuses. (we are just a week shy of year 16 and will be divorced in the next few weeks. It's been hell for 2 years). Don't wait that long; trust me.
You were open and up front in your email and told him what you wanted and expected; no surprises. Find a good attorney and a counselor ASAP so that YOU can find some peace and happiness. Best of luck.


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## howmuchcanamantake (Jul 19, 2011)

Should he decide to come back to you, you need to insist that you handle the money from now on or this man will lead you down the road of destruction because he is totally irresponsible. Unfortunately for you I have a feeling this man will find new ways of deception and he can not be trusted with anything having to do with money, not at this stage in his life.
So it would be best to get separate accounts in case you do work or have assets. If not you are in no bargaining position and at his mercy. The recent bankrupty and his behavior after the bankrupty proves you two will not get anywhere financialy but will soon be faced with more loan payments and unpaid bills than you care to think about. In the long run it may be best if you talk to a family attorney now before he runs up any more bills for which you may be responsible as well.


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## needmorehelp (Jul 19, 2011)

Yes, definatly think you should apologize for snooping. However, explain that you had a legitimate reason. And since he could not talk about money with you, you had to take it into your own hands.

your husband can't talk about it because he is ashamed... so I would suggest seeking professional help if you can't get him to talk. Just remember, you have to be equally honest if there is something you are hiding


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## lonely73 (Jun 27, 2011)

I just want to thank everyone for their support. H and I are in counseling (3 weeks now) and I have moved home. I'm still not sure if it will work, but he's definitely trying very hard to make improvements.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh that's great news


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