# Alcoholic, narcissistic personality disorder and Borderline??



## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

Saw sex therapist today alone. I was in there for 3 hours. She told me that having seen my H several times now she has diagnosed him as all of the above!! I am completely freaking out and feeling very scared. What the h-ll do I do with that????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Poppy--how experienced is your therapist? How many years has she practiced?

She's in NYC, right?

I can only assume she's seen it all.

What did she say his prognosis was--i.e., can he change, will counseling work with him.

Given the things your husband has done, I wish I could say I was surprised. I am so sorry, once again.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Mental illness is not the end all be all of life. However, the narcissistic and borderline diagnosis means that he will have to commit to therapy, mindfulness, and CBT for the rest of his life. My P has also been diagnosed with BPD "stylistic traits" because our insurance wont cover axis 2 disorders. She is making steady progress, and has been in IC for over 6 months, which is generally tough for BPDs to do. 

iHeart also raises some good points. Ask your H to take the case notes to another therapist and get a second opinion. 

Substance abuse and that family of personality disorders go hand in hand. Thats why people suffering from the disorders are so much more prone to commit infidelity.

I found a good web site called Out Of The Fog It may be a good resource for you, as well as give you a good avenue of support while you examine the state of your relationship and your Partners willingness to face his issues.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Learn as much as you can about the disorders, make ur decision after you find out what to expect outta him. NPD is the worst, they feel entitled to have sex w/ many partners and can't feel empathy for you...and that means GUILT FREE CHEATING!!! 
Mouse


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a therapist and what you have is one of our worst nightmares. Alcoholism is a problem but treatable. When you get into borderline and personality disorders many of us in my world cringe. It is not hopeless but I would rather poke my eye with a hot iron all day long then deal with someone who has this diagnosis. Therapy is frustrating dealing with folks with these disorders and positive changes are difficult. In most cases they never see that they have a problem and that my friend is the problem.

I know this is not helping you but we hate dealing with these folks. Give me an addict all day long and though relaspse is common at least the addicts I have worked with over the years do try and some make it.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Can you help me Thornburn?

Every day is the same, I just can't help it. I'm tired, restless and not ready to face the world, so I keep doing it over and over. Maybe three or four times every morning.

Is there any help for a snooze button addict?


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

iheartlife...she is extremely experienced, but her lack of 'containment' with me was inexcusable. She let an hours session run for 3 hours and during that time I covered extremely sensitive and emotional stuff. I came away completely drained. What concerns me is the fact that she told me things my H had told her. It is my belief that this is not ethical. It was also hurtful to me verging on unkind...to describe to me his MO for picking up prostitutes in bars in Hong Kong....details I could vomit over right now. She basically told me to lawyer up and get a 'shark'. We went there for help...regardless I want him to be healthy as he is the father of my children. She told me his diagnosis, but not him..something I was compelled to talk to him about last night. He is going to discuss this with his psychoanalyst in NY on Monday. I am not sure I will see her again.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Poppy said:


> She told me his diagnosis, but not him..


Poppy, you were very fortunate that she chose to tell you. She was being kind. When a patient is diagnosed as being a high-functioning BPDer, therapists are LOATH to tell the patient -- much less his wife -- the true name of the diagnosis. They withhold this information to protect the patient. 

They know that such patients almost certainly will immediately terminate therapy on hearing a diagnosis of "BPD," which carries an awful social stigma. They also know that, in the unlikely event he wants to remain in therapy, his insurance company almost certainly will refuse to cover BPD treatments. This is why it is common for the "diagnosis" to instead list only the side effects and any associated Axis 1 disorder (e.g., bipolar, depression, adult ADHD, or PTSD -- all of which are covered by insurance).

Further, the therapists know that telling a BPDer the name of his disorder can make his behavior suddenly become WORSE, not better. This risk exists because, given that a BPDer has such a fragile sense of who he is, handing him a new identity as "The BPDer" can result in him exhibiting 8 or 9 BPD traits instead of only 5 or 6.

I wish I had taken my exW to the sex therapist who examined your H. Being an excessive caregiver like you, I took her to six different psychologists (and 2 MCs) for weekly visits for 15 years -- at enormous cost to me and all to no avail. Significantly, NONE of them told me what she suffered from. Instead, they listed the diagnoses variously as the Axis I code words I mentioned above. 

Indeed, the last psychologist -- whom my exW saw for five years -- refused to give us any diagnosis. Every time I asked -- and I asked many times in five years -- she simply said "I don't believe labels are useful." Finally, when all hell broke loose at the end of our marriage and I insisted on a diagnosis, the psych conceded that my exW suffered from "a thought disorder" but would not name it. Of course, "a thought disorder" is exactly what BPD is.


> I am completely freaking out and feeling very scared. What the h-ll do I do with that????


I suggest that, in addition to participating here at TAM, you also start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com. It is the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is targeted solely to the spouses and family members of BPDers. Of the eight message boards at that website, the one that may be of greatest help to you is "Raising a Child when One Parent Has BPD." You also may benefit from tips offered on the "Staying" or "Leaving" board, depending on what action you decide to take.

For books, I note that the #1 best selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses) is _Stop Walking on Eggshells._ And, if you decide to divorce your H, I suggest _Splitting: Protecting Yourself when Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist._ Finally, for a quick overview of what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you read my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. Take care, Poppy.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I am surprised any of you were able to, actually, get your spuse to any form of therapy, if he or she has a personality disorder.
I am sure my XW was BPD/NPD, and the last place she would ever go would be to a therapist(they are for weak, pathetic people, according to her).


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