# Am I being a doormat? ready to walk away.



## Smudgecat (Feb 22, 2013)

I need some advice as I am really having issues of is it me or him. 

I apologise as this is very disjointed and may raise more questions than answers.

A bit of background, have been married 19 years together for 26 years. We met when he was 18 I was 20 and I already had a 2 yo dd from a previous short marriage. He accepted my DD as his own and raised her accordingly. He joined the military just after we met and I have gone on every posting around Australia with him for the last 25 years. I have enjoyed the experience but hear is the kicker, I have raised 2 kids, moved every few years, arranged everything for the moves, I pay the bills, I do the housework, i take animals to vets all the while I also have to hold down a full time job.

I have had jobs I loved and wanted to stay in but couldn't due to our transient lifestyle. Well he has reached the top of his career and now I am just the whinging, whining wife who expects too much from him.

We are living separately as I did not move with him to his latest posting (he is only 400 miles away) but he will only come home every 4th weekend. He has this whole other life now with his new sports buddies and events take him away on the weekends. 

I have asked that I be a priority in his life and not an option, but I get the whole I am abusing him, I am always angry at him, picking on him. etc

I have been in counselling for 12 months as I did become physically violent towards him, this has stopped now thank god, but when we have a fight he will put a knife in my hand and say go on stab me. The look in his eyes is very scary. I always put the knife down and leave the house. 

I have stopped being so controlling in many ways but he now just takes even more for granted. He is like a child who has a tantrum when he can't get his own way. I still have to look after everything here and he is still only responsible for his job only.

I don't get any emotional support from him and have just undergone a health scare where he did not contact me for 4 days because we had, had a fight a few previous nights before my tests. I feel so alone and dont know what to do. help!


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes,I am a male and he has it very good, but you have always done so much so he dosen't have a clue how good it is.
Sorry any male who puts a knife in his wife's hand and says 
stab me is mentally screwed up and abusive.

Read up on here and do the 180.Do yourself a favor and don't waste energy on letting him upset you anymore.You have always worked and done more than him so I quiet sure some other male will appreciate you.Divorce him and he will be the looser.


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## Smudgecat (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks nevergiveup. I have always had a little hope that one day he might have an epiphany and realise I am not so bad after all. I am by no means perfect.

I will give the 180 a go. I started it but for a day fell into a pathetic emotional hole and tried to plead my way into some of his better judgement. Dont know if it worked but he seems to be more responsive.

Maybe he has realised what he is losing but doesn't know how to say it. But then again it is only words and I need to see some real change. I need him to man up on every level.

Any one else have some wisdom to share.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I am in a similar situation, except I was not physically abusive. I was just a major doormat.

My take on this is that the distance gives him exactly what he wants. He is living a single life and I would almost bet his group of buddies are single guys. He doesn't have to answer to you and I would also bet that they are encouraging him to do what he wants to do. Perhaps he has even told them you guys are separated, as in he is divorcing you. I will also guess that the fights over the phone and his anger is his way of justifying his new found single life to continue. His refusal to call you is his way of punishing you. 

Is there any way for you to move to where he is? Distance doesn't help this situation. Have you thought of the possibility that he has a girlfriend? He says he is with his buddies, but it could be another woman. Do you know anyone who could check up on him? Can you make a surprise visit?


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## Smudgecat (Feb 22, 2013)

Saltinwound. When this posting order came through it was to move to the one place I always said I would never live in.
As it was on a promotion, he worded it so it would be the best thing since sliced bread. He said I could visit on weekends and we could play tourists and he would come home other weekends and have the quiet country life of where I live when the city got too much.

I did question him about a few things as he didn't try to convince me to go with him at all. When I mentioned this he said he didn't want to pressure me into anything. Never stopped him in the past though. 

He said the distance would do us good. I believed him.

I don't know if he is seeing anyone but he is living the single life with no responsibility. His sporting group is made up mainly of women, but not sure he would have the balls to go there. They all know he is married and would stear clear of him.

I don't want to move again as I have only been here 12 months now and am sick of moving as all the responsibility falls on my shoulders. I don't want to be where I am not wanted either. 

I cant make a surprise visit because I don't know where he is at any given time snd I don't have access to get on base where he lives.

This is such a mess. He is so secretive about it all, maybe he has another woman.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Smudgecat said:


> I did question him about a few things as he didn't try to convince me to go with him at all. When I mentioned this he said he didn't want to pressure me into anything. Never stopped him in the past though.
> 
> He said the distance would do us good. I believed him..


If he is up to no good, then I could see how he would not encourage you to join him.



Smudgecat said:


> I don't know if he is seeing anyone but he is living the single life with no responsibility. His sporting group is made up mainly of women, but not sure he would have the balls to go there. They all know he is married and would stear clear of him..


Being married doesn't mean crap to a woman who wants an affair. And as far as him having the balls.......he doesn't have anyone there to squeal on him. What would stop him?



Smudgecat said:


> I don't want to move again as I have only been here 12 months now and am sick of moving as all the responsibility falls on my shoulders. I don't want to be where I am not wanted either. .


If you don't want to be where you are not wanted, then you have 2 choices......divorce or accept an open marriage.



Smudgecat said:


> I cant make a surprise visit because I don't know where he is at any given time snd I don't have access to get on base where he lives..


So, is the base restricted access? I am also going to ask this question, since I am familiar with military and many military memebers tend to lie about rules to their spouses (I have caught my husband in a few). Do you know for sure you have no access to the base or where he lives? He could be lying to you to keep you away. I call that a believable lie, since it could be extremely difficult to verify. Sort of like when a spouse might tell you a work e-mail address can't be changed, or they can't get off work to help you after a surgery, etc. 



Smudgecat said:


> This is such a mess. He is so secretive about it all, maybe he has another woman.


If he is being secretive, then I think it is a good bet that he is having an affair. sorry.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Tough one.

He definitely has issues. Him putting the knife in your hands proves it. Do you know if he asked for this new posting? His eagerness to go says something. 

What the hell are female "sports buddies?" I've never heard of that. Its like having male "shopping friends". At this moment, your husband is having his cake and eating it too. He has his single party life in the city with his female friends, and then when he getst the urge to feel like a family man, he goes down to the country to visit you. Yes you are the doormat and he is rubbing his dirty shoes all over you.


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## Smudgecat (Feb 22, 2013)

Alpha The posting was a complete surprise as he was not due for promotion for another year or so. But he was very quick to accept it and says that I okay'd it also. What choice do I have, if I say no I have screwed up his chance of promotion and I am a ***** or say yes and let him live his life freely.

Either way it was no win for me. But win for him.

To answer your question about his female sports buddies, He is a umpire for an all girl sports team.

I have just finished reading the book "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" and I found it opened my eyes to a lot I had not seen in his behaviour. I also learned a lot about how my behaviour has created this situation.

I am a bit clearer on the direction I should be going in now, and that is to walk away. 

He appears to be doing a 180 on me and It helps to cement my decision, but my heart is still being smashed to smithereens.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Your heart will be smashed. Mine was, and so was everyone else who have had to go through with the same thing.

You have made up your mind to walk away. At least you are doing it with clarity and not because there is another man in the picture.

My suggestion when you do, is to work on your issues. It seems like you have an anger problem, rid yourself of it. Get in shape. Buy a new wardrobe and start a new life. Its difficult to change but if you keep at it, you will. This new you will also open many new doors. It won't be long before other men come up to you and find you attractive. Your husband will too I am almost sure of it. And when he does, the choice of whether going back to him or taking the new road is yours.


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## Smudgecat (Feb 22, 2013)

I am going to see a marriage counsellor by myself tomorrow. I have not told DH about this. He has not contacted me at all and only responds if I text first. I still cant trust myself to talk to him on the phone as I am scared of what he will call me. 

My feelings have been stuffed down for years by him telling me "dont be sad", "dont be angry", "crying doesn't work on me". it is hell not being able to express to the one person I should be able to feel safe with. I think this is why I explode with anger as it gets too much to keep stuffed down. I tried to be silent to protect myself from his barrages but then get accused of being manipulative. Is this really a no win for me?

Can anyone shed any light on why he wont let me express how I feel about anything.?

I think I needed to vent a bit. Sorry.


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## Smudgecat (Feb 22, 2013)

I have finally started to be able to communicate with DH. He is arranging a ticket for me to fly down this weekend. I have read a lot about detachment and have already used it in one other of my life and it feels good.

How do I move forward with this. He has agreed to marriage counselling and wants me to move down to where he is. I dont have anything holding me in this town anymore. But I am not going to rush into anything either, until I am sure he is genuine.

I dont want to come across as controlling or needy but I Need some help here, do I lay out ground rules or let him know how I want things to go?
What do I say?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Smudgecat said:


> I have finally started to be able to communicate with DH. He is arranging a ticket for me to fly down this weekend. I have read a lot about detachment and have already used it in one other of my life and it feels good.
> 
> How do I move forward with this. He has agreed to marriage counselling and wants me to move down to where he is. I dont have anything holding me in this town anymore. But I am not going to rush into anything either, until I am sure he is genuine.
> 
> ...


Maybe you should just use this time to listen to each other. Get a feel for how each of you feel. What the expectations in the relationship are. Definitely tell him your boundaries and how specific things in the past are not acceptable. You want to show him you are not going to be a doormat anymore. Until you agree that you will move up there, there needs to be changes in his communication with you and what he does in his free time. I certainly would not feel comfortable with him hanging out with all women. Surely he can find some married guys to hang out with. Just my opinion.

At least he is talking to you. That is a start. And he says he wants you to move to where he is and go to marriage counselling. All positive. You have a better start than most. I agree to stay guarded. Watch his body language.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

First let me congratulate you on your service. I don't think most people have a clue as to what a military spouse sacrifices for their country, that enables the soldier to serve in the field. It is all about the Army (in my case). If things are messed up on the home front, it messes with your mind and affects your ability to do your job. He has a team of individuals that support him, you have had to be the Lone Ranger for many of those years.

He has a very rude awaiting him in the near future. I can only hope that he is smart enough to see it before it is too late. I have seen so many people in the military that have believed all the whoa-whoa hype that the military dishes out. In the military he is Sergeant something, Colonel something, somebody that is important to the organization. When you are retired you are.....just Joe again. It is then that he will realize what you have done for all these years, though it should have been obvious to him. You don't need him, you want him in your life. You know how to run the household, he doesn't have a clue as you have done it for him. 

I don't think you two will fix this on your own, but will need professional counselling. IF both of you dedicate yourself to fixing this marriage, I believe that it can be fixed. However, you two need to be honest with one another and put in the necessary work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Smudgecat said:


> Saltinwound. When this posting order came through it was to move to the one place I always said I would never live in.
> As it was on a promotion, he worded it so it would be the best thing since sliced bread. He said I could visit on weekends and we could play tourists and he would come home other weekends and have the quiet country life of where I live when the city got too much.
> 
> I did question him about a few things as he didn't try to convince me to go with him at all. When I mentioned this he said he didn't want to pressure me into anything. Never stopped him in the past though.
> ...


Does he have a house on base or does he live in quarters where only men live?

Have you ever been there to visit him? If you want your marriage it's time you start doing this.

Does the base he's at have some kind of housing for visiting family? In my experience most do.

The bit about him giving you a knife. You need to tell him that's a serious issue and if he ever does it again you will take action.. like maybe leave him, call the cops for him bring a knife to the fight.


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