# Trying to cope with my wife's cancer



## welshman165 (Mar 17, 2011)

Hello from South Wales,
I wonder if anyone else has found themselves in my position. I could probably write a book about this but I'll keep it as short as I can. I am a male of 55, married 30 years to wife of 57. Two children of 18 and 22 living at home. 
I grew up in a small village and went to a boys-only secondary school. I lost contact with my friends from primary school. I was lonely and desperate for female company by the time I was 17 and I'm sure that the stress of this caused my colitis and ultimately an ileostomy just before going cancerous.
I met my wife in 1976 and did the 'right' thing respecting her wishes not to have sex before marriage. Biggest mistake I ever made!!! Even on our wedding night there was no enthusiasm. She has been a wonderful mother but it seems that our relationship and sex were always at the bottom of the agenda...if they were ever on it. 
We have been fortunate not to have any financial worries although there was never anything to spare. The only thing we have argued about is her lack of interest in sex. I have tried everything over the years to increase her interest...even swinging. She participated but there was never any enthusiasm and I got the feeling she was doing it for me rather than US!
We felt that we had come to the end of the road several times but talked and tried to have another go. I love her and want us to stay together. 
During what might have been the final attempt in 2007 she was diagnosed with breast cancer and had an immediate mastectomy. There have been problems with the lymph system as well and her left arm now looks like Popeye's after the spinach. She has been in constant pain since the op and radio and chemo treatment that she has had.
In November 2009 and seeing me in total depression (being a 'breast man' and seeing what the surgeon had done to her),about her condition and pain and our now non-existant emotional and sexual relationship she suggested that I find someone else for the sex that she insists she has not been ablt to and could not now give me.
Through a site I did meet a lovely lady of 59. It was not for the sex, but just to have a female to cuddle, kiss, talk and verbally spar with. This desperate lonliness was an exact repeat of my earlier situation...desperate for female company. It is difficult to understand how two people can sleep together but still be strangers almost. The treatments have almost killed her intellectually and sexually.
I had a wonderful year of seeing V when I could but her feelings for me grew beyond the boundaries that we had agreed. My wife was showing some signs of improvement in November and December. V understood and we parted as friends. Since then my wife's condition has worsened and I think the cancer and pain are now getting the upper hand. I feel even more lonely and depressed now than at any time. I can't leave my wife but I don't know how much longer I can go on. 
This may sound self-centred and maybe small-fry compared to the pain and problems my wife is going through but I feel that I have some right to a life and the joyous emotional and sexual relationship that so many people take for granted.
Thanks for staying with me so far. Any thoughts and advice welcome. Direct contact would also be welcome.
Welshman165


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I don't know what to say! Are you someone who hides their fear in losing their wife by detaching from her now? All your post reads is how it affects you. You're a breast man, you have needs... What about what she's feeling? Her fears, her pain, her disappointment in her new looks? All I hope is if I were to end up in your wife's shoes someday, that my husband would be more supportive. Would you be put off if you had testicular cancer or prostate cancer and your wife went elsewhere for 'affection'?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am gobsmacked. 

The only thing I will say is that you posted absolutely nothing nice about your dying wife and called your mistress "lovely". You mocked your wife's looks after having radical surgery to save her life and in essence called her stupid. What did your wife do? She loved you so much and sees you so depressed that she told you to go find happiness....and yet you cannot say a single nice word about her. 
I haven't been speechless in a long time but your post did it.


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## welshman165 (Mar 17, 2011)

I didn't post on this forum to be criticised and ridiculed by wanna-be counsellors and and man-haters. I posted genuine feelings and emotions felt after a 30 year mediocre marriage that is now at an all time low for not just me but for the whole family. My wife has recently lost her father suddenly. My son has lost 19 friends in Afghanistan, through car accidents and one girl who he was once engaged to through cervical cancer at the age of 28 in the last two years and now his grandfather whom he idolised. 
I posted here seeking advice, not the condoning or criticism of my actions and words. Clearly there are those who are ready to criticise but have no experience whatsoever of the emotions that these events generate.
I will remove this site from my computer and delete any further replies without reading.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

QUOTE=welshman165;277143]I didn't post on this forum to be criticised and ridiculed by wanna-be counsellors and and man-haters. I posted genuine feelings and emotions felt after a 30 year mediocre marriage that is now at an all time low for not just me but for the whole family. My wife has recently lost her father suddenly. My son has lost 19 friends in Afghanistan, through car accidents and one girl who he was once engaged to through cervical cancer at the age of 28 in the last two years and now his grandfather whom he idolised. 
I posted here seeking advice, not the condoning or criticism of my actions and words. Clearly there are those who are ready to criticise but have no experience whatsoever of the emotions that these events generate.
I will remove this site from my computer and delete any further replies without reading.[/QUOTE]

I don't think my reply was playing counselor nor man-hating. Just wondering what you expected coming here saying your wife is fighting for her life and you're disappointed that her arm looks like Popeye and you're a breast man. I tried to engage you further to see what more was going on - fear comes out in weird ways sometimes but I guess your character shows through in last post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Wow, I guess I am a man hater for pointing out that your wife is fighting for her life and you don't seem to have anything nice to say about her. That's called empathy. Try drinking some.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Welch I think you are still reading so I will address you. 

From a humanistic standpoint it seems your focus is on sex, breast, your loneliness while there is another human being who is suffering and dying. 

I suppose any woman would put herself in your wife's position and freak out at being married to a man like you. Look at it this way, how much longer do you think you will have to put up with your dying suffering wife? 

You have done it for 30 years why not forget your penis for a few months and concentrate on making this poor human being comfortable and cared for. Remember woman are more than wet holes for your penis they actually have a life, feelings out side of the part you seem to focus on. 

Be nice now, you have so much to look forward to, when she is dead you can bang chicks two by two. See your suffering is coming to an end soon. 

God bless your wife, I feel bad that she is getting so little comfort from her husband at this critical point in her dying and I hope her suffering ends soon. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

BTW what does that litany of misfortune have to do with the callous attitude you have displayed. These things have been endured by others not you. 

So what are you saying - life sucks so it does not matter how self centered you are. I think your life of loneliness and longing will continue even after you wife finally dies because you may lack the skills to connect with people. 

Maybe you have a social or constitutional disorder that prevents you from feeling to the extent that the average person feels. Since you have no control over that, you have my sympathies. 

You can be helped with coaching something you may want to try when your problems persist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
It was painful to listen to your story, I also am sick with an illness that has changed by appearance. I am a 55 year old woman who husband had an affair while I was going through a chemo treatment and losing my hair........
I cannot tell you what all that has done to my self esteem, all women want to feel attractive to their husbands, when something like this happens to a woman we go into a protective mode to protect our husbands, the reason she went along with the swinging and giving permission to find someone else to fill your needs, did she really want you to do that, my guess is no, and I'm sure it has made her feel very worthless and unimportant to you.....she is just coping because she feels she has no options........
I think you have proved yourself very selfish and uncaring towards her........
Have you ever considered that something was amiss in the first place to have her react to you like she has over the years, you think it's her, I think maybe your selfish nature wouldn't allow you to see your part in what was wrong in the first place.......
Maybe your focus was only on the sex part and her emotional needs probably weren't met, she probably always just felt like a peice of meat instead of someone who was cared for by a loving husband concerned with her emotional well being........
women react emotionally .................it's too bad you didn't get that..........
I think right now for you to be thinking of yourself still says a lot about you as a person..........
Can you just put her first for whatever time she has left.....you owe her..................do whatever she needs and put yourself on the shelf for now..........you will see how much that will mean to her.......love her like you should have for the first time, let this woman go knowing that you really loved her and that you are capable of the love she has always needed............she will probably respond in a way you have always wanted her to. It is not to late, you can have the love you have always wanted but it starts with you putting her first..........
you can live whatever life you want later..............I hope you find it in your heart to do this for her.......


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

welshman165 said:


> Hello from South Wales,
> I wonder if anyone else has found themselves in my position. I could probably write a book about this but I'll keep it as short as I can. I am a male of 55, married 30 years to wife of 57. Two children of 18 and 22 living at home.
> I grew up in a small village and went to a boys-only secondary school. I lost contact with my friends from primary school. I was lonely and desperate for female company by the time I was 17 and I'm sure that the stress of this caused my colitis and ultimately an ileostomy just before going cancerous.
> I met my wife in 1976 and did the 'right' thing respecting her wishes not to have sex before marriage. Biggest mistake I ever made!!! Even on our wedding night there was no enthusiasm. She has been a wonderful mother but it seems that our relationship and sex were always at the bottom of the agenda...if they were ever on it.
> ...


Let this post be a testiment to the damage of a sex starved marriage can do.

anyone in a similar situation should read the writing on the wall and get out before your old and bitter.


even if your the one with the low desire if your husband or wife has been asking you for years about your sex life. if you don't want to be on your death bed looking into the eyes of a resentfull partner. then don't be selfish it wii bite in the ass in the end.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> Let this post be a testiment to the damage of a sex starved marriage can do.
> 
> anyone in a similar situation should read the writing on the wall and get out before your old and bitter.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that's really the take away from this story. She is the selfish one...yup.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I mainly get a feeling of social experimentation via trolling.

Maybe some multi-ID'e person having their jollies.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

This is sad.

If I were the wife I would take a page out of Elizabeth Edwards book. Set the husband free. Live out the rest of her days in peace surrounded by those who want to be there. Who have her best interest at heart. And upon her death leave the (ex) husband nothing, leaving all to her children.

She lives in peace, and he now has the freedom of a sex life.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

4sure said:


> This is sad.
> 
> If I were the wife I would take a page out of Elizabeth Edwards book. Set the husband free. Live out the rest of her days in peace surrounded by those who want to be there. Who have her best interest at heart. And upon her death leave the (ex) husband nothing, leaving all to her children.
> 
> She lives in peace, and he now has the freedom of a sex life.


Elizabeth Edwards had options, due to her wealth. We have no idea about OP's wife and what options she has. He doesn't seem to care either way. It's all about him. 
I asked my hubby to read the OP's post and he did. His jaw dropped and at the end said and I quote: "If this is how he is treating her in death, imagine how he treated her in life".  and


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## aword (Apr 2, 2012)

I just came across this and I hope all is well with OP's wife. 

I am a single chinese woman in my 30s. My mom was diagnosed with cirrolis when she was 54, then it progessed into liver cancer a few years later, and she passed away at the age of 60. My mom had several operations, had chemo (and lost her hair during the chemo treatment), and had to be constantly rushed to the ER and hospitalized. My parents were both in China where the only job nurses do is to give you injections. All other cares that my mom needs, such as bathing, helping to go to the bathroom, etc. are done by my dad. My dad cared for my mom for six years.

My mom was very appreciative of my dad's care for her. She told me several times before she passed away that I should go back to China to see my dad often and must not desert my dad when he is in old age. 

My parents' marriage has definitely affected my view of marriage and relationships, which is one of the reasons why I am still single today. I have met many very handsome, tall and attractive American guys. But I balk at entering into a relationship with any of them because of the me-first attitude in them. I am certain that they would be the first to desert me when I am not in good health or in other difficulties. 

With all that said, I think OP should leave her wife for another woman. OP is a weak man with character issues. And he can't change overnight. When OP's wife is in a life-death crucial period, what she needs most is courage. What she doesn't need most is cowards and cheaters.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread is from over a year ago.


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