# in desperate need of advice



## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Hi everyone, This is my first post so bare with me. My husband and I have been together 13 years we have 7 children between the 2 of us. All our friends say they envy our marriage but the truth is were more like roommates... we give pecks on the cheek and say we love each other everyday but thats about it. We have a "talk" about every three months on "where" we are in our life and marriage and what can be done to make it better. But nothing ever changes. I feel as if sex is just another chore to add to my long list of things to do... we have not had sex for three weeks now so of course he will want that "talk" soon. I love my husband but the passion is not there. He tells me all the things he thinks i want to hear but it sounds fake or rehearsed. I take care of everything at our home... i work 8 hours a day, clean, cook, pick boys up from football, help with homework, laundry and manage our bills from my pay check alone. Its all on me, like i read in another post its hard to think about sex when you have your mortgage on your mind. I just dont know what to do. I do love him but i'm beginning to think love is not enough. Right now he is waiting on me to come to bed and i'm waiting for him to fall asleep  Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What does husband contribute besides children?


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## freshstart (Sep 1, 2011)

Hi,

You sound like me before I began reading a book called " Created to be His Help Meet". It really put fire up my behind (excuse my language). I really thought I was doing all of these great things but I realized I was doing the things I wanted and choose to do rather than the things my husband needed me to do which had nothing to do with the things you mentioned. It's a hard pill to swallow and I still struggle with it at times but the truth is the truth...please get the book it will change your life...it's by Debi Pearl. Her husband has one for the husbands too...you could give that to your husband if he is open to read it.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Thats one of the major problems... nothing. A week ago he threw me off guard and took the trash out (a chore me are the boys do) so in return i gave him a kiss and fixed his plate for dinner thinking maybe it would encourage more but no such luck...


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

I will look it up, i need all the help i can get. Thank you


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## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

I have been exactly in your shoes and know EXACTLY how you feel. It's pretty hard to feel passionate about a man when you are so overwhelmed with everything that you do. 

After going through this with my own husband I do have a few words of advice. The first thing you really have to know is that it is probably hurting your husband much more than you think it is. He probably feels like you are rejecting him not just physically but emotionally as well. I think it is interesting that it is a common belief that women equate sex with emotions and men don't. In marriage I have found that for my man and it sounds like for most of them, sex = love. If you are not having sex with him, you are not loving him. That is how many men see it. When I felt overwhelmed like you, I would get a bit angry at my H when he would initiate sex. I felt that he should know that I am tired and just want to be left alone. I felt that he should know that I feel I am doing 100 things at once all day and I just need solitude before I fall asleep. But he doesn't know that and he will not understand that. Even if he does understand it, it doesn't eliminate his need to be loved in a sexual way.

Because of this, my 2nd piece of advice is that you choose a few items on your list of things to do and just stop doing them. He will pick up the slack, and if he doesn't, let it go. It's not the end of the world if there are dirty dishes in the sink or someone's smelly socks on the stairs. Use the time that you would be doing those things to go to him and initiate sex with him. Even if you have to fake it at first. He will be so turned on by you being the aggressive one that his passions will flare and so will yours. It feels pretty darn good to have your man think you are one hot sexy vixen and there is no way that is going to happen if you are not taking the time to make him feel like he is the lucky recipient of sexy vixen affection! Knowing how easily you turn him on will probably turn you on as well and this will definitely help heat things up. 

I wish I had known these things sooner than I did. It would have saved us a lot of arguments, and we would have had better sex when we did have it. Even though the world is swirling around you and you feel you have to take care of everything, remember to take care of your marriage as it is more important than dirty laundry, dirty dishes, and all the other stuff that can wait.


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## chickie (Aug 26, 2011)

southerngirl78 said:


> A week ago he threw me off guard and took the trash out (a chore me are the boys do) so in return i gave him a kiss and fixed his plate for dinner thinking maybe it would encourage more but no such luck...


Next time he takes the trash out, grab him when nobody is looking, take him into the bathroom or closest room with a lock, and give him a bj right then and there. I'm not joking. Even if you feel like the kids will all die from waiting for their dinner (which they won't. They won't even notice you are gone.)

Men don't understand the subtlety of a kiss and a nice plate of dinner. They read it as "not sex" and therefore it does not register. To him, he took the trash out and got no sex. 

It is important to note however, that sex is not a thing that should be given out like allowance for doing chores. I don't want to imply that it is. But there is really no better way of saying "thank you" to your man then to put out. They really love that stuff. And it's funny but the more you do it, the more you will enjoy it. Kind of like exercise. haha.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks for the advice Chickie. Its nice to know others know how I feel.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

that_girl said:


> What does husband contribute besides children?


:scratchhead: My thoughts also.


My mind can not comprehend the last 4 words of your post.
"What I should do?" :scratchhead: WTH. Then the OP advises to award him by blowing him. WTH!!

I can't post anything constructive. What I want to say will get me a warning or a ban from this site. I choose to STFU. Maybe some other 'lady' will put it in nice language.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

chickie said:


> Next time he takes the trash out, grab him when nobody is looking, take him into the bathroom or closest room with a lock, and give him a bj right then and there. I'm not joking. Even if you feel like the kids will all die from waiting for their dinner (which they won't. They won't even notice you are gone.)
> 
> Men don't understand the subtlety of a kiss and a nice plate of dinner. They read it as "not sex" and therefore it does not register. To him, he took the trash out and got no sex.
> 
> It is important to note however, that sex is not a thing that should be given out like allowance for doing chores. I don't want to imply that it is. But there is really no better way of saying "thank you" to your man then to put out. They really love that stuff. And it's funny but the more you do it, the more you will enjoy it. Kind of like exercise. haha.



Geez,... Last weekend, I cleaned out my garage, mowed the lawn, trimmed all the shrubs, steam -cleaned the basement carpet, washed and waxed both cars, AND hosted a BBQ for my wife's friends and family.

I can't imagine what my reward should be.
I couldn't even get a handshake.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs, to understand how each of you helps - and hurts - your marriage. At least he's talking about your relationship; that's ahead of most marriages. 

Read the book, learn how each of you should be operating, and then start setting some boundaries. You do everything because you do it. Stop doing it all. The next time you have one of your 'meetings,' look him right in the eyes and say 'this isn't working for me. I work full time just like you do, and I can no longer be the only one of us two who is doing TWO full time jobs. You have an obligation to share the work maintaining the house and the family, and I expect you to do it.'

Then shut up and let him respond. If he tries to give excuses, just say 'unacceptable' each time, until he runs out of excuses. Then say 'so what are you going to take responsibility for?'

Your family NEEDS you to step up and stop being a 'woman' about this (willing to take everything on your shoulders). If you don't stop, you will move from resentment to hatred to apathy (the Walkaway Spouse), and then there's no way back to the marriage.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

turnera said:


> Get the book His Needs Her Needs, to understand how each of you helps - and hurts - your marriage. At least he's talking about your relationship; that's ahead of most marriages.
> 
> Read the book, learn how each of you should be operating, and then start setting some boundaries. You do everything because you do it. Stop doing it all. The next time you have one of your 'meetings,' look him right in the eyes and say 'this isn't working for me. I work full time just like you do, and I can no longer be the only one of us two who is doing TWO full time jobs. You have an obligation to share the work maintaining the house and the family, and I expect you to do it.'
> 
> ...


WOW, very well said. This is the only post on this thread I absolutely agree with.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Geez,... Last weekend, I cleaned out my garage, mowed the lawn, trimmed all the shrubs, steam -cleaned the basement carpet, washed and waxed both cars, AND hosted a BBQ for my wife's friends and family.
> 
> I can't imagine what my reward should be.
> I couldn't even get a handshake.[/QUOT
> ...


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks for all the advice. I am sooo frustrated with him right now. My son had his first football game for this season tonight, no he did not come. Why I do not know. So I run by the grocery store after the game, take his children home and dropped off a thing he borrowed from a friend. I get home, try and get sandwiches fixed and rush the boys for shower and bed, then I have to go pick my 16 year old up from his after school job I will be soooo happy when he gets his license. This is what my life is like on a daily basis. We are young...33 young at heart. I don't want to live like this anymore. I could bet money he is in the bed waiting for me right now, but he could not offer to go with us to the game, or run by the grocery store, or take his on crap back that he borrowed! This is not away to show someone you love them. Sorry i just really needed to vent....


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Turnera this is great advice. I think we need the "talk" soon! And your right he will hear unacceptable this time. I am tired of hearing things are going to change and he's going to help... nothing EVER changes. I got to get prepared b/c i know he will turn this around on me....


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

turnera said:


> Get the book His Needs Her Needs, to understand how each of you helps - and hurts - your marriage. At least he's talking about your relationship; that's ahead of most marriages.
> 
> Read the book, learn how each of you should be operating, and then start setting some boundaries. You do everything because you do it. Stop doing it all. The next time you have one of your 'meetings,' look him right in the eyes and say 'this isn't working for me. I work full time just like you do, and I can no longer be the only one of us two who is doing TWO full time jobs. You have an obligation to share the work maintaining the house and the family, and I expect you to do it.'
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southerngirl78 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. I am sooo frustrated with him right now. My son had his first football game for this season tonight, no he did not come. Why I do not know. So I run by the grocery store after the game, take his children home and dropped off a thing he borrowed from a friend. I get home, try and get sandwiches fixed and rush the boys for shower and bed, then I have to go pick my 16 year old up from his after school job I will be soooo happy when he gets his license. This is what my life is like on a daily basis. We are young...33 young at heart. I don't want to live like this anymore. I could bet money he is in the bed waiting for me right now, but he could not offer to go with us to the game, or run by the grocery store, or take his on crap back that he borrowed! This is not away to show someone you love them. Sorry i just really needed to vent....


Then stand up for yourself and TELL him! We always tell men to "man up", but sometimes a woman just needs to "woman up", i.e., to stand up for herself. 

Open the lines of communication - how does he know what you are feeling and how hard it is for you to cope with everything if you don't say anything to him? Do you ask him to do some of the errands and such, or are you just expecting he will just pitch in without telling him? Right now, you help enable his behavior by not setting any boundaries with him and enforcing them. So, he gets away with doing mininmal work and thinking everything is just peachy.

Turnera gave you some good advice. Get the book, go to the marriagebuilders.com website and look at filling out the questionnaires they have, and start to work through it with your husband. Love Busters

Let him know that something needs to change in the dynamics of the marriage. Because this is what is happening to you:

"_He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away_." ~Raymond Hull

So, stop the whittling, regain yourself, regain your marriage.

God Bless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

southerngirl78 said:


> Turnera this is great advice. I think we need the "talk" soon! And your right he will hear unacceptable this time. I am tired of hearing things are going to change and he's going to help... nothing EVER changes. I got to get prepared b/c i know he will turn this around on me....


 Get a poster board and write out everything that has to be handled in a week. Line them up, with a line by each. Hand him the marker and ask him to check which items he will be responsible for. You do the same; the rest go to the kids. Pin it up on the wall in the kitchen so everyone - everyone - sees what he is responsible for. Your kids can help you help him become involved. This way, he can't back out like I'm sure he usually does, and say he forgot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, the Love Busters questionnaire is what you should BOTH fill out first. Read what he writes about you, how you Love Bust him, and if they are reasonable gripes, work very hard to stop doing them. He will notice. But you have to expect him to do the same; you'll have to hold him to it. It's a very important first step in fixing your marriage.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

southerngirl78 said:


> Thanks for all the advice. I am sooo frustrated with him right now. My son had his first football game for this season tonight, no he did not come. Why I do not know. So I run by the grocery store after the game, take his children home and dropped off a thing he borrowed from a friend. I get home, try and get sandwiches fixed and rush the boys for shower and bed, then I have to go pick my 16 year old up from his after school job I will be soooo happy when he gets his license. This is what my life is like on a daily basis. We are young...33 young at heart. I don't want to live like this anymore. I could bet money he is in the bed waiting for me right now, but he could not offer to go with us to the game, or run by the grocery store, or take his on crap back that he borrowed! This is not away to show someone you love them. Sorry i just really needed to vent....


You are only 33 with 7 children?????


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

southern wife said:


> You are only 33 with 7 children?????


Yes, I have 7 total children. I have three from a previous marriage, we have one together and he has 3 from previous marriage.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Then stand up for yourself and TELL him! We always tell men to "man up", but sometimes a woman just needs to "woman up", i.e., to stand up for herself.
> 
> Open the lines of communication - how does he know what you are feeling and how hard it is for you to cope with everything if you don't say anything to him? Do you ask him to do some of the errands and such, or are you just expecting he will just pitch in without telling him? Right now, you help enable his behavior by not setting any boundaries with him and enforcing them. So, he gets away with doing mininmal work and thinking everything is just peachy.
> 
> ...


I plan on talking with him this weekend. I started reading "His Needs Her Needs". I feel as though my mind and heart are at war... I just feel so used


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People can only use you if you LET THEM.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

4sure said:


> :scratchhead: My thoughts also.
> 
> 
> My mind can not comprehend the last 4 words of your post.
> ...



Well I get where you are coming from. lol :iagree:

The op is complaining that she is doing the majority of the work and to top it off her husband already expects his sexual favors without respect or regard for what she is already doing nor does he seem to care about her feelings and someone else advises her to reward him with a bj. :lol::rofl:

Seriously.......that is nuts!


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> Well I get where you are coming from. lol I was what the hell......he takes the trash out and he gets rewarded for doing one lousy thing with a bj.......geez!
> 
> That is some screwed up thinking, imo.


I did not take that advice to heart, lol. That was not a good trade off at all. I've have gotten a lot of good advice though, its nice to hear others opinion. I have friends but prefer not to discuss my problems with them... So its nice to have people to give me some helpful advice


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, it's a somewhat valid point. It's a circle. If she's not meeting his needs, he won't want to meet hers. And if he's not meeting her needs, she won't want to meet his. SOMEone has to step up and make a change. Included, however, must be communication of what's expected of each, and a willingness to stop being the victim. If you don't want to do 95% of the work...don't.


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## oneonone (Sep 1, 2011)

"You teach people how to treat you." Dr. Phil


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## Soupnutz (Jul 6, 2011)

My wife actually gets mad at me if I try and help with certain things. I work and she is a stay at home mom. If I come home and see something needs to be done, I'll start doing it. She says that it's like me indirectly saying that she's not doing a good enough job, and it makes her feel like that.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Soupnutz said:


> My wife actually gets mad at me if I try and help with certain things. I work and she is a stay at home mom. If I come home and see something needs to be done, I'll start doing it. She says that it's like me indirectly saying that she's not doing a good enough job, and it makes her feel like that.


I work from home, so I do a lot of multi tasking throughout the day. I would not be upset at all if my husband just tried.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

Soupnutz said:


> My wife actually gets mad at me if I try and help with certain things. I work and she is a stay at home mom. If I come home and see something needs to be done, I'll start doing it. She says that it's like me indirectly saying that she's not doing a good enough job, and it makes her feel like that.


I was thinking... While I was in college I felt horrible that my husband had the burden to support us for the most part, I worked part time but that did'nt help much. I felt like it was my place to take care of eveything at the house because he was supporting us financially. Maybe thats how your wife feels...


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

Some men don''t help out at home because their fathers never helped out their mothers at home when they were growing up. It's the dynamic they are used to. If you want to change it, you need to sit down with him and let him know. He may not realize how much it bothers you because maybe he never heard his mother complain about it.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

He knows, we have had lots of talks. Today i have attempted to talk with him at least four times about our marriage. Even told him I have been reading "His Needs Her Needs" he told me he was'nt taking counseling from a book...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then your next reply should be "Really? Then I guess I'll have to start considering whether I want to be married to a man who won't consider making me happy.'


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

He makes no sense. I tried reading him some the lines from the book, he told me he did not want to hear anymore... he says he is happy with our marriage that I'm the one with the problem. Keep in mind he is ill with me right now because he was rubbing on me earlier and I rolled my eyes at him... Its just odd to me that I feel as though my marriage is falling apart and he says he's happy...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

See, though, if YOU have a problem, HE has a problem.

Unless, of course, you want to be his patsy for the rest of your life.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

I want things to change. I am not happy, we are both off again tomorrow so I will attempt to talk to him again...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of COURSE he is happy. YOU are meeting HIS needs. Why should he change?

He won't.

Unless you make it CLEAR to him that he will not HAVE this marriage if he doesn't start caring if you are happy or not.

Look. This is about boundaries. If you just say 'oh, I'm unhappy' but you KEEP the status quo, you TEACH him to ignore you and disrespect you. After all, YOU don't respect yourself enough to expect and demand better; you're still there, aren't you?

This is on YOU, not him, unfortunately. Either you take a stand...or you accept what he's currently willing to give you.


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## southerngirl78 (Sep 1, 2011)

I'm trying... I honestly do not believe he is as "happy" as he claims. Sex is what makes him happy and I'm not willing...


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