# Sex / Vibrators / Alcohol



## Joe1982 (6 d ago)

Really looking for some advice and input on a few topics. Will start by summarizing my marriage.

Married for 7 years now. I am 40 and my wife is 33. We have 3 kids, current ages 7, 3, 1. I live a complex busy life running a family farm, that has been full of family drama over the years that has hindered our marriage. Our marriage itself has had ups and downs, I have struggled with expressing anger, and showing emotional support for my wife. We spent a lot of time as "roommates" and really only connect sexually 2-4 times a month, usually only on a weekend with alcohol. About 4 months ago, when things were at quite a low point, I finally made a noticeable change, to do better emotionally and with anger, to improve and save our marriage. This has been going really well in general. I have a productive mentality, so I do wish things would progress to being great sooner, but I am trying my best to now this and stay patient, while my wife learns the "new me". We are still carrying on as we have been for years, and as I will explain below, while we try to work on learning a new connection between us.

One thing that has always bothered me, is that we really have never been sexual on sober weeknights. We have connected sexually many times on weekends on "wine date nights", but really only a few times a year have we had sex sober. It's not like we get completely drunk, typically split 1-2 bottles of wine. It's like she always needs alcohol to take the edge off, and then things go really well sexually. In fact, the more alcohol involved the better the sex ends up being, or the more adventurous it becomes. And this is so badly what I want with my wife, to not just have generic sex but to keep on being adventurous. However, there has been also many disappointed endings where my wife will have a few too many, usually at a wedding or larger gathering, where the night always ends in me carrying her to bed. A part of me craves these alcohol nights, because I know it will open her up enough to be adventurous. And then of course, this also means that if we do have completely sober sex, it will likely be almost awkward and very basic, which in general would be progress but not ideal. Not only have we never really connected sexually on weeknights, we would barely connect at all, never watch shows, sleep in separate kids beds etc. So if we slowly start to change that as well, maybe the comfortability will change. Of course myself changing to be a better emotional partner, should also help this. A part of me is scared she will never be able to open up sexually on sober nights, and I really wish there was something more I could do, to help her want sex sober, or want more sex in general (yes I'm sure most men say this). Obviously we have busy lives and 3 kids, and correct me if I'm wrong, but if we are having sex 3-4 times a month that is somewhat normal and not lacking? Over the years when not pregnant or newborn stage, we have maintained around that number of 3-4 times monthly. I really wish that number could change to 5-8 times, a few being generic and a few being adventurous, I feel like it would make me such a happier more fulfilled man with that amount. 

The next topic, is involving the use of a Vibrator. After having kids, maybe even the 3rd and final one, my wife has expressed it being harder than ever before to achieve good orgasms. They used to happen sometimes during sex, but now it's almost impossible, and requires the extra external stimulation for her. I always offer this and in no way am I ever being selfish. Typically we would have sex and then I would achieve orgasm for her, either with fingers or a vibrator. I have noticed that she uses the vibrator when alone, although not very often. Maybe 1-2 times a week, although she claims it is even less than that. I never really thought of it much before, or even watched for it, but now I feel really down about the use of it. I'll give 1 scenario that most recently really caused upset. We had her family over for 5 days at Christmas, and around that time and slightly before she was also on period, so obviously in those busy and non-private times, 2 weeks total, we were not sexual. But on the night of the 26th, after everyone had gone home, and the period was over, she chose to want alone time to "decompress" and I know she used it alone, when clearly I was available that night. The next day I mentioned how upset I was when I found that out, and while she understood, of course she also felt invasion of privacy. She expressed to me that the vibrator in no way replaces me, and that it's not even as good alone, really just a quick not so great orgasm to help her unwind or sleep. (She suffers with alot of anxiety and also has a really hard time getting good sleeps) Regardless, we did end up having a "wine night" on the 27th night which was good. Now I know people point out that choosing a vibrator or a man is 2 completely different things. And I am in no way against her using one. In fact I want to encourage it, with and without me, as I know all the benefits that come from it. However, I do have big concerns of it just getting chosen over me, as its the easiest way obviously. Partly amplified due to the fact I know she now struggles to even achieve orgasm through sex, so she may be more inclined to choose the alone night over a night with me. And to be clear, of course I pleasure myself alone too, likely alot more than she does, however I just feel like I would always choose the option together if possible. I know it's not realistic, but I honestly feel like I could be sexual with her almost every night, and that it would create me barely ever pleasuring myself. I feel like I'm okay with her using the vibrator alone, if we are sexual together around the same amount of times per month? Is that reasonable to ask and need to feel happy? Honestly I feel right now if I know she is choosing to use that, over putting effort into a night with me, it's causing a feeling like as if she is cheating, and causing slight depression in my every day non-busy winter life that is full of time to think. I feel no sense of control with our sex life. It's completely on her, when we have sex, and when she uses vibrator. I really want to gain some control, help her achieve good orgasms again, and not worry about her using a vibrator over me.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on any of the above. Any advice and input greatly appreciated!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Reading that, to me one main problem is the role of alcohol. If you can, I'd say talk to a sex therapist about working on being sexual without using so much alcohol. 2 bottles between 2 people is quite a lot, in my opinion. And it may be hiding underlying issues. For example, her anxiety. Which is the second problem. I think her anxiety needs tackling. But yes, try to reduce the connection between alcohol and sex. 


Joe1982 said:


> correct me if I'm wrong, but if we are having sex 3-4 times a month that is somewhat normal and not lacking?


That would be considered normal. 

I'd say don't worry about the vibrator. It's probably working in your favour, maintaining her ability to enjoy her body. It's not competing with you. It doesn't mean she prefers it to you. 


Joe1982 said:


> Typically we would have sex and then I would achieve orgasm for her, either with fingers or a vibrator.


It might be worth trying that the other way round, ie get her off before you penetrate. But you'd need to ask her opinion about that.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

2 bottles of wine is a lot of wine , for me the vibrator is only a good thing as it shows she is sexual 
now you did not talk about your connection between you in the time before sex and the quality of sex , would you call yourself a good lover 
the one you can only work on is your self so you could ask he the next time she has some wine without having to much and she is willing to talk ask her what she likes needs to get off and her dream lover type


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Solution easy.Less alcohol. Cut it to one bottle.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Joe1982 said:


> wife has expressed it being harder than ever before to achieve good orgasms. They used to happen sometimes during sex, but now it's almost impossible, and requires the extra external stimulation for her.


Get a vibrating c0ck ring. It will provide the stimulation for her while you are having PIV sex.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

Maybe you've tried this, maybe you haven't. But I would try PIV w/ the vibrator. You mention fingers or a vibe, couldn't tell if PIV was included. 
Also, you worded this a little ambiguously " then I would achieve orgasm for her ". Does this mean you orgasm first or do you give her an orgasm first?

In my experience, the woman comes first as many times as she wants. Unless you're one of the few guys without a refractory period. 

I would say 3-4 times a month is not a dead bedroom by any means. Normal? What is normal?
At the end of the day, you're not happy. 
I'd personally be more concerned that you only have sex when it's OK for her. I mean, yes, she should want to have sex and be ok with it. However, it sounds one-sided, which isn't healthy.

Why are you sleeping with your kids and not with each other?
It sounds like you two put the kids before your marriage, to me that's a mistake. Your marriage is at the top of the pyramid and covers your family. Without a tight-knit close marriage, the strength of the pyramid won't shield the family. 

Why are you not affectionate at all outside of alcohol? 
What are you doing to game/flirt with your wife during the day when sex isn't expected?

Many women don't want affection to always lead to sex. It makes them feel like sex is all you want. 
You must flirt with your wife, kiss your wife, hug your wife and cuddle your wife without sex being the end goal. 

You must do this without being pouty if it doesn't lead to sex.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Get a vibrating c0ck ring. It will provide the stimulation for her while you are having PIV sex.


I've found the opposite unless the girl is on top grinding. I mean during normal PIV she only feels the vibrations when I'm all the way in.. so its vibration, no vibration, vibration, no vibration, etc...
Some girls like that, but many do not in my experience.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joe1982 said:


> (She suffers with alot of anxiety and also has a really hard time getting good sleeps)


I think THIS is a very key statement. She uses the alcohol to lower her anxiety about things. Many times women (AND men) can't get in the mood if they have too much on their mind or are too uptight.

As for the vibrator without you, I think she was honest. It's just easier/less work to take care of things by yourself. You get to completely focus on the business at hand. IF however this becomes more and more often, THAT is a problem

I think she needs to find ways to handle the anxiety without getting tipsy. Maybe counseling, maybe her Dr?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I don’t have any advice but your post title is awesome, I love all 3!


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