# Giving out sex advice..



## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I have a pretty close relationship with my brother in law... for the last few months he's been discussing his relationship with his gf with me... Over time he's told me more and more details so now basically i know pretty much everything that's going on... It's not something he told me unprompted I encouraged him to do it.

Anyway I don't like the girl... I think that she's taking advantage of him financially and is completly untrustworthy...

While he's quite handsome and well educated he doesn't have a lot of confidence around women..

Basically she's the first really good looking attractive gf that he's had...

So basically a few months ago she started messing him around with sex... turning it off and on like a tap... also making a big show when he asked her to do a few things which I knew she would have done previously anyway...

So basically I encouraged him to get in the frame of mind where he was willing to end the relationship... and then lay down a set of demands... anywho she folded like a napkin.. which I knew she would... and all the things she was saying no to well she didn't have any problem doing them (and it wasn't her first time)

Anywho as well as getting him to be more assertive with her... I went into some detail about the actual sex basically positions and how to do certain things... 

So through a combination of myself and my brother in law ... hubby found out and he's not happy... he got his brother to tell me that I could tell him everything that we had talked about... and he was pretty pissed.... 

This happened a few weeks ago now... and it's been pretty much resolved... my brother in law is still rattling his gf in a way that my hubby thinks is immoral... but actually she seems a lot happier....

hubby blames me I think... but more so his brother... 

Anywho I just wanted to put it down in words... which makes it easier to understand in my head... and maybe get opinions from people...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You did your BIL a GIANT favor. She would have harmed him mentally and financially if you had not done that. 

Hope you taught him how to make it fun for her also. 

Why is your H mad?




sarah.rslp said:


> I have a pretty close relationship with my brother in law... for the last few months he's been discussing his relationship with his gf with me... Over time he's told me more and more details so now basically i know pretty much everything that's going on... It's not something he told me unprompted I encouraged him to do it.
> 
> Anyway I don't like the girl... I think that she's taking advantage of him financially and is completly untrustworthy...
> 
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> Anywho I just wanted to put it down in words... which makes it easier to understand in my head... and maybe get opinions from people...


I think your brother in law is lucky to have you to tutor him, and your hubby needs to loosen up just a tad.

It's great that you let BIL in on the secrets of women-kind


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

I honestly don't see any issues with how you helped your brother-in-law. Maybe the only thing I would have done was let your husband know what you were discussing earlier on, is he just upset you were discussing sex with his brother?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

cowboyfan said:


> I honestly don't see any issues with how you helped your brother-in-law. Maybe the only thing I would have done was let your husband know what you were discussing earlier on, is he just upset you were discussing sex with his brother?


He's very particular about what happens in the bedroom staying in the bedroom... he also has more regard for his brothers girlfriend than I do... It's not a case of him needing to loosed up a little to be honest I knew it was going to annoy him when he found out... but there's nothing really we can do about it now...

Part of it is down to the various things my brother wanted to try out... and which she had almost definitely done before anyway... I think the knowledge that his little gf is now shagging his gf up the bum a bit too much info...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I have to disagree, you should not be discussing sexual things so intimately with your BIL--especially when your H is not there or unaware of it. And you knew it would upset him.

Has it occurred to you that your BIL is talking to you this way as a way to get a thrill? Or that you too may be doing this?

Do you think his GF would enjoy knowing you are doing this? I doubt it.

Your interest in your BIL's sex life is not healthy for your marriage.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

michzz said:


> I have to disagree, you should not be discussing sexual things so intimately with your BIL--especially when your H is not there or unaware of it. And you knew it would upset him.
> 
> Has it occurred to you that your BIL is talking to you this way as a way to get a thrill? Or that you too may be doing this?
> 
> ...


You know at first I was a little annoyed when I read that... but you're right these are questions that should be asked...

You're right I knew it would annoy him but at the same time my BIL was in a ****ty relationship... hubby doesn't really have that much experience with women like that (like his brother) and I don't think he recognised what was going on... all he saw was the little blonde tramp when she was on her best behaviour...

He didn't get a thrill out of telling me ... I was a bit of a ***** actually and I think I embarressed him a little by askng intimite questions... which leads on to whether I got a thrill out of it..

No my prime motivation was making sure a man I actually care about has his first satisfying relationship... I wouldn't have risked pissing hubby off otherwise...

I should probably point out that there are very few occassions these days that I do annoy my husband... and I think I deserve a break this time...

Hubby isn't actually that concerned for his brother he's more worried about her being taken advantage off... beacause again he wasn't aware of how she was taken advantage of him..


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> You're right I knew it would annoy him but at the same time my BIL was in a ****ty relationship... hubby doesn't really have that much experience with women like that (like his brother) and I don't think he recognised what was going on... all he saw was the little blonde tramp when she was on her best behaviour...


Your focus is a little off. It is not your role to advise your BIL in such a way that leaves the both of you open to supposedly unintended consequences. It is you role to protect your marriage.

Give the guy a relationship book for xmas and step back from that level of discussion. It really is a danger zone for you and your marriage.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

michzz said:


> Your focus is a little off. It is not your role to advise your BIL in such a way that leaves the both of you open to supposedly unintended consequences. It is you role to protect your marriage.
> 
> Give the guy a relationship book for xmas and step back from that level of discussion. It really is a danger zone for you and your marriage.


My focus is on my family which my BIL actually I treat him like my brother is part of... My marraige isn't in a danger zone it's stronger than ever... and hubby quite enjoyed my two week long apologetic... 

Hubby is in charge he knows that... he also realises that in this case his brother is a lot better of than he was before... He may be annoyed that his brother is having a more hmm robust sex life... but last year he was worried that he was still lacking in self confidance.

I should point out that this all happened a few months ago and has essentially been resolved for several weeks.. Though sadly my BIL is still seeing his gf... but I think he'll realise he can do better without any outside advice..


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sarah,
I act the same as you - my wife's blood gets treated like my blood. You saw this guy getting abused and treated dishonestly and you helped him. I have done the same for my wife's family and would do so again. 




sarah.rslp said:


> My focus is on my family which my BIL actually I treat him like my brother is part of... My marraige isn't in a danger zone it's stronger than ever... and hubby quite enjoyed my two week long apologetic...
> 
> Hubby is in charge he knows that... he also realises that in this case his brother is a lot better of than he was before... He may be annoyed that his brother is having a more hmm robust sex life... but last year he was worried that he was still lacking in self confidance.
> 
> I should point out that this all happened a few months ago and has essentially been resolved for several weeks.. Though sadly my BIL is still seeing his gf... but I think he'll realise he can do better without any outside advice..


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't think you were out of line. You should be sure your husband knows that you didn't tell your brother about what _you_ do (or, if you did, don't bring this up).

You might reasonably apologize if your H thinks you were out of line, but make clear that you were just trying to ensure that one of your family members--and you think of your H's family as your family too--was going to be happy and healthy in his relationship.

Not sure exactly what you're getting at about your H thinking it's "immoral". If he means "what they're doing in the bedroom", well, I'm of the "anything adults want to do together that doesn't harm anyone else (or involve barnyard animals) is their business" school of thought. If your H thinks some form of sex is unacceptable and is unhappy that your B-I-L has been corrupted into doing it with his gf, well, I don't have much sympathy for that view, and don't think you should worry about it either.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just sounds like the gf was engaging in **** testing the BIL and now that he stepped up and answered the test the right way, she is happier.

Suspect hubby was a little threatened by BIL having sexual conversations with his wife. Not overly threatened, just a little bit caught off guard.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Just sounds like the gf was engaging in **** testing the BIL and now that he stepped up and answered the test the right way, she is happier.
> 
> Suspect hubby was a little threatened by BIL having sexual conversations with his wife. Not overly threatened, just a little bit caught off guard.


I think perhaps I'm giving the wrong impression of hubby and his motivations... He's not repressed as I think some people are reading from my posts... Rather he has a very strict sense of morality... which he kind of had to adapt (but not abandon) when he became a lot more aggressive and dominant sexually with me.. 

Sexually I've done a lot more than hubby... I went through and extended (and very enjoyable) ****ty phase (I'm happy calling it that)

So now he sees his brother doing the same thing... but the way he sees it rather than being driven by his partner as hubby was by me... instead he's doing it off his own bat...

Plus there's certain things sexually that hubby just sees as wrong... anal sex in a hetro sexual relationship being one of them...

He know I've done it... I didn't especially enjoy it... so it's never come up ... Hubby's initial views on it was that it was borderline sexual abuse and he couldn't understand for ages why I agreed to do it...

Anywho finding out that his little brother has been happilly bumming his gf for the past month or so was a bit of a shock for him... as far as he's concerned she didn't ask him to do it... hence he's pressuring her into doing...

So it's not really concern for his brother but I think he is worried that he might turn into some bed hopping man*****... but more concern for his gf ... who he has a far too high opinion of..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> Anywho finding out that his little brother has been happilly bumming his gf for the past month or so was a bit of a shock for him... as far as he's concerned she didn't ask him to do it... hence he's pressuring her into doing...


I can see his point, I never got the point of hetro anal myself... Why go in at the back door when the front door is so much more inviting?

Still, it's a totally different thing if the woman goes crazy for it.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I can see his point, I never got the point of hetro anal myself... Why go in at the back door when the front door is so much more inviting?
> 
> Still, it's a totally different thing if the woman goes crazy for it.


Well I think you're in a minority... Most men I've been with have asked for anal sex at some stage...At the same time it's never done anything for me nor has it for the majority of friends of mine that have done... that's why I was surprised when my BIL said she was orgasming from it... I did actually challenge him on this... she's told him that she orgasms during it and as far as he can tell physically she is... though I think it's more a case of her wanting to pretend it was her idea all along..

I wouldn't neccessarily judge a man for asking for it just by how he goes about it. I think a lot of men have moral problems with it.... As far as my husband is concerned he conceeds it might feel like the best experience in the world but he still wouldn't do... because he sees it as an empty selfish sexual act...

Anywho I digress... my BIL is like most guys that age he wants a gf who's willing to try things...

I'm just astounded at how he's come out of his shell... a lot more confidant (and not at all in an arrogant or ****y way) he was chatting to some of my friends quite easily a few weeks ago.... and they can be quite difficult... but he was charming and even managed to flirt occassionally...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> that's why I was surprised when my BIL said she was orgasming from it... I did actually challenge him on this... she's told him that she orgasms during it and as far as he can tell physically she is...


wow...that's a very...uhhh....open (???) relationship you have. Id have to go with *michzz* on this one. sounds like you're playin' with fire.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

Blanca said:


> wow...that's a very...uhhh....open (???) relationship you have. Id have to go with *michzz* on this one. sounds like you're playin' with fire.


Everyone needs someone they can talk to explicitly about sex... especially at that stage in their life... what's especially valuable is if you have somebody of the opposite sex that you can talk to...I had friends that I trusted implicitly that I told basically every detail of my sex life... That's what BIL needed... he knew the fact that he was my BIL meant that anything he told me was in confidence (I should point out that I only told hubby after BIL had told me to)...

It is okay to talk about sex... it may be wierd because he's my BIL... but I don't think it's that wierd..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> I'm just astounded at how he's come out of his shell... a lot more confidant (and not at all in an arrogant or ****y way) he was chatting to some of my friends quite easily a few weeks ago.... and they can be quite difficult... but he was charming and even managed to flirt occassionally...


I think you've done nothing but good, and one day even your hubby will see that. Men tend to get more easy going after they turn 40. Trust me on that one


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I think you've done nothing but good, and one day even your hubby will see that. Men tend to get more easy going after they turn 40. Trust me on that one


Some boundaries seem right to me and I'm past 40.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

michzz said:


> Some boundaries seem right to me and I'm past 40.


Sure. But would you agree you've loosened up?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Sure. But would you agree you've loosened up?


In regards to my wife talking so frankly about sex with another man, or even my brother, without me present? No way!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

michzz said:


> In regards to my wife talking so frankly about sex with another man, or even my brother, without me present? No way!


I meant in general...


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I should probably clarify it wasn't so much the fact that I was talking about sex with his brother that annoyed hubby... more so the advice I gave him and how his brother is now conducting his relationship with his gf..


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

So I know I'm kind of bumping the thread but I had a strange and kind of annoying conversation with my BIL...

So he's singing the praises of his gf saying how wonderful she is and how he's doing all this stuff sexually that he never dreamed of... And I got the impression that instead of seeing this relationship as a kind of transitory thing he's actually gone back to looking at it like a long term thing...

So I told him to stop being stupid that there are plenty of women ... better than her that would do all the sexual stuff and more that she's doing as well as just being better people... and besides I asked him if he's forgotten that up untill he's threatened to end the relationship she was carefully rationing sex...

Anytime I've talked to her she seems really ****y .. I get the impression she got a bit of a fright when he confronted her... but now she thinks her gravy train is back on the rails...

I don't want to give out details that are could be identifiable but basically she fancies herself as being extremely quallified (though I thought only doctors could spend 7 years in university) and instead of taking a proper paying job she's doing all this unpaid work... and her parents and my BIL are supporting her...

Anywho that doesn't really bother me... what bothers me is the lack of respect she showed him up untill a few weeks ago... she's nice as pie now but I bet it doesn't last.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You know, he's an adult. He can sort it out with this woman if he wants to. 

You don't like her and figure he can do better. Maybe, maybe not.

It's pretty much out of your hands now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sarah,
You are doing him a huge favor. Partners who only behave well with a gun to their heads are a nightmare. 

What is he going to do in the future when she starts jerking him around and the ONLY option he has is to pay her a large alimony to end it?




sarah.rslp said:


> So I know I'm kind of bumping the thread but I had a strange and kind of annoying conversation with my BIL...
> 
> So he's singing the praises of his gf saying how wonderful she is and how he's doing all this stuff sexually that he never dreamed of... And I got the impression that instead of seeing this relationship as a kind of transitory thing he's actually gone back to looking at it like a long term thing...
> 
> ...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

sarah.rslp said:


> I should probably clarify it wasn't so much the fact that I was talking about sex with his brother that annoyed hubby... more so the advice I gave him and how his brother is now conducting his relationship with his gf..


I dunno on that one. You sure?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

michzz said:


> You know, he's an adult. He can sort it out with this woman if he wants to.
> 
> You don't like her and figure he can do better. Maybe, maybe not.
> 
> It's pretty much out of your hands now.


Well I don't agree... I think if you have a partner that's not terribly well like by your family then it's a problem...

Besides while he's not taking on board my advice about what type of person she is... he did listen to my advice on the sex side of things and he's pretty ecstatic with how things worked... So my opinons aren't unwelcome.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> Anywho that doesn't really bother me... what bothers me is the lack of respect she showed him up untill a few weeks ago... she's nice as pie now but I bet it doesn't last.


If he keeps her lean and mean it could last longer... but is it worth playing those games? Probably not. It's been said before that guys think with their @&^%!... Don't ask me how I know.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> If he keeps her lean and mean it could last longer... but is it worth playing those games? Probably not. It's been said before that guys think with their @&^%!... Don't ask me how I know.


Well I think she got a bit of a fright when he threatened to end it... Hence why she bit the bullet so to speak over the sex...

Basically she's pretty much dependent on him financially... at least now she's acknowledged the fact..


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> Basically she's pretty much dependent on him financially... at least now she's acknowledged the fact..


I guess that may be a major part of it - perhaps the biggest part. But there is also the power-play of not wanting something until it looks like you're going to lose it.

We humans are shabby aren't we?


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