# Brilliant or Big Mistake?



## Prudence222 (Jun 25, 2014)

I've posted before about my 28 year marriage and my husbands EA with his X. I feel I am at a crossroads and am thinking about doing something pretty unusual for my circumstances. These are the raw facts: * found out by reading his texts he loves this girl *he is telling her he is considering leaving me and being with her in another state. * she has been married 30 years * says he has no passion for me anymore *he communicates with her more than with me *don't know if they have been together physically but I think so *they both have chronic pain from fibro myalga * she said they need to see each other by spring to know for sure whether they want to be in a full time relationship.
All the while he is telling me he is still in love with me and wants to keep trying on our marriage. I have done all the things to prepare for a divorce and am feeling scared but ready to leave him. My idea is to confront him and tell him I cant be in this triangle anymore. I want to tell him to go see her and make a decision once and for all. If he can admit he needs to let her go and will go to marriage counseling I am willing to try and save our marriage. I'm feeling like if he choses to stay with me that he will have to see her to get closure. Or they will feel their love is stronger and I will know I have to move forward with my life without him. 
Am I encouraging them to be together or am I forcing his hand so I can live a less toxic life? I really don't think the grass is gonna be greener but I might be wrong and need to know.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I really doubt you'll be able to take him back after he goes off and does his stuff with her for awhile... Best to hit him hard with reality now, and shut things down before it happens. Or rather, before MORE happens. Assuming you want to work on things, that is. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Prudence222 said:


> I want to tell him to go see her and make a decision once and for all.


That's a huge mistake Prudence.

He's cheating on you. He doesn't get to decide if he will stay in the marriage. *YOU* decide if *YOU* will stay in the marriage.

And the only reason you would even consider it; is if he ends all contact with her and demonstrates he's remorseful for what he's already done.

Confront him, stay on track with your divorce and wait and see how he reacts. Then *YOU* can decide whether to keep going forward with the D or not.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Prudence222 said:


> I've posted before about my 28 year marriage and my husbands EA with his X. I feel I am at a crossroads and am thinking about doing something pretty unusual for my circumstances. These are the raw facts: * found out by reading his texts he loves this girl *he is telling her he is considering leaving me and being with her in another state. * *she has been married 30 years ** says he has no passion for me anymore *he communicates with her more than with me *don't know if they have been together physically but I think so *they both have chronic pain from fibro myalga * she said they need to see each other by spring to know for sure whether they want to be in a full time relationship.
> All the while he is telling me he is still in love with me and wants to keep trying on our marriage. I have done all the things to prepare for a divorce and am feeling scared but ready to leave him. My idea is to confront him and tell him I cant be in this triangle anymore. I want to tell him to go see her and make a decision once and for all. If he can admit he needs to let her go and will go to marriage counseling I am willing to try and save our marriage. I'm feeling like if he choses to stay with me that he will have to see her to get closure. Or they will feel their love is stronger and I will know I have to move forward with my life without him.
> Am I encouraging them to be together or am I forcing his hand so I can live a less toxic life? I really don't think the grass is gonna be greener but I might be wrong and need to know.


What did her husband say when you told him about it. You did tell him about it, right?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Prudence222 said:


> I want to tell him to go see her and make a decision once and for all. QUOTE]
> 
> NO! This is far too passive to work. If you do this you will get jerked around by your husband and other woman till you go berserk.
> 
> ...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I doubt them having sex is going to make him choose you. 

tell her husband. Doesn't he deserve the same opportunity that you have? 

then see who throws whom under the bus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know. ASAP.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Prudence222 said:


> I want to tell him to go see her and make a decision once and for all. If he can admit he needs to let her go and will go to marriage counseling I am willing to try and save our marriage. I'm feeling like if he choses to stay with me that he will have to see her to get closure. Or they will feel their love is stronger and I will know I have to move forward with my life without him.


NO NO NO. "Closure" is a stupid myth. All "Closure" amounts to is one more time in the sack for old times sake. Do not, under any circumstances allow any meeting between your WH and the OW for closure. Make it clear - NC happens NOW.. if that happens then MAYBE you will try to reconcile. NC right now is his only chance at it. If "closure" happens, it's over.

When I thought my WW was pining away for her OM, I told her "If you want to go and be with him, there's the door. We will have a nice amicable D, and you can have a happy life with him. If you want to be with him, set me free and just GO."

And I meant every word of it. I was prepared to ship all her stuff to his house (no doubt his BW would be thrill by that.

She stayed. We eventually reconciled, but it was tough.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This whole thing is kind of novel. 

Think about it. Can you imagine telling him: "OK, bring her over. I want you two to go in the bedroom and get after it. When you're done I'll serve us all some wine and cheese, so we can be the high class jetset hotshots you two strive to be." 

Yeah. Let's do this. It is what it is. BS, BS, etc. Get the game on. You're the important ones here, lets cater to you. You decide when, but let's do it! You deserve all this attention and happiness.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Big mistake.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

*chants* "tell her husband, tell her husband..."

And yeah, YOU decide if you want this marriage or not, he decides nothing. Only once you have told her husband...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*joins in chanting*


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## Prudence222 (Jun 25, 2014)

Forest your sarcasm makes me laugh and feel so good. I would love to grow the balls to do that. I do fantasize about f**king with them though. Get this, I used to have a dream when we first got married that I walked in on him in our bed with an X (he has many) and he turned from her and asked me to make them a sandwich. The other day he stayed home sick in bed and at one point I asked him if he wanted a sandwich or something so he could take his pills and later found out he was texting and talking to her from our bed that day. I am in a movie, a horror flick. Aarrgg.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Prudence222 said:


> I've posted before about my 28 year marriage and my husbands EA with his X. I feel I am at a crossroads and am thinking about doing something pretty unusual for my circumstances. These are the raw facts: * found out by reading his texts he loves this girl *he is telling her he is considering leaving me and being with her in another state. * she has been married 30 years * says he has no passion for me anymore *he communicates with her more than with me *don't know if they have been together physically but I think so *they both have chronic pain from fibro myalga * she said they need to see each other by spring to know for sure whether they want to be in a full time relationship.
> All the while he is telling me he is still in love with me and wants to keep trying on our marriage. I have done all the things to prepare for a divorce and am feeling scared but ready to leave him. My idea is to confront him and tell him I cant be in this triangle anymore. I want to tell him to go see her and make a decision once and for all. If he can admit he needs to let her go and will go to marriage counseling I am willing to try and save our marriage. I'm feeling like if he choses to stay with me that he will have to see her to get closure. Or they will feel their love is stronger and I will know I have to move forward with my life without him.
> Am I encouraging them to be together or am I forcing his hand so I can live a less toxic life? I really don't think the grass is gonna be greener but I might be wrong and need to know.


The right way to tell him to make a decision is to serve him with divorce papers. Do not tell him in advance. He may then stop treating you as his toy to do what he will with. And who knows, if he gets rid of the other women, goes down on his knees and begs you to take him back, you may even decide that he's worth it. Or not.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Time just lets the hurt fester inside you. Force a choice on him, you or her. If her desires her enough to "explore" the possibly, then he does not love and respect you. Why stay married to a man like that?

You'll be happier without his crazymaking. Our situations are a little different, but let me tell you, separated 6 months and D was finalized last week. I haven't been this happy or in control in years.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think your plan is a terrible mistake. Because I think one day, maybe years from now, you will look back on your decision to let him choose and be simply heartsick that you were ever weak enough to agree to be in that position.


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