# A little confused



## shellbelle (Mar 23, 2011)

I'm married for 10 years, with four young children. My husband is 14 years older, and our relationship tends to be more of a father/daughter relationship. Most everything I do or want to do, is passed by him, and lots of times he's been there, done that, and it's a waste of time in his opinion. While that can be okay, my opinion is almost never heard. It's usually his way of everything, cleaning the house, raising the kids, extra activities. He's also spanked me, once for cussing. After that instance, I did tell him not to ever do it again, and he didn't. We've never had a very good physical relationship, as I have to ask for sex many times before he will give in. He also pushes me away when I try to kiss or hug him. I'm completely positive he's not having an affair, he just says he's tired and doesn't feel like it. He's actually very annoyed when I try to show any intimacy with him. He criticizes most everything I do, lately being my weight and the way I clean the house. I ran a half marathon recently, and was in pain after. That same day he told me that if I lost some weight, I wouldn't be in so much pain. Also, I can never mop the kitchen floor the way he likes it. I wash and rinse, but when he gets home, he walks around on it looking for sticky spots and asks details about how clean the rinse water was, etc. I realize he's a bit of a control freak.

I do love my husband, as he's a good father, and good provider, and an honest man. Maybe every 6 months to a year, I decide I've had enough of it all, and I'll stand up to him and demand that he show love and affection and respect me and my work and decisions. It usually turns ugly and we have an extended argument period. He'll then start trying to be affectionate, etc, and it'll last for a week maybe, and then it's back to normal. I'll go on, asking for it, etc, and the same cycle continues.

For the most part, as long as we don't discuss love, affections, sex, etc, we get along great. My confusion comes that I'm very lonely in the physical/emotional department. I actually kissed a random man, which is nothing I've ever done before. While I'm ashamed, I'm not concerned that it will ever happen again. However, it does make me think that I do deserve more than I have and maybe I need to act on the separation that I've long since thought we needed. Will that get my husband's head into this marriage? Is this reason enough to leave a marriage. For the most part, we can get along. I'm just really confused. 

Sorry for the book, but your opinions are welcomed!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

shellbelle said:


> Also, I can never mop the kitchen floor the way he likes it. I wash and rinse, but when he gets home, he walks around on it looking for sticky spots and asks details about how clean the rinse water was, etc. I realize he's a bit of a control freak.


Sounds like it. 

You are going to need to tell him that his behavior is having an adverse effect on you.


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## shellbelle (Mar 23, 2011)

I have told him, many, many times. He continues to do it, and will sometimes mop it again himself. If he does it himself, he is satisfied, but then mad at me that I don't do it that his way. Believe me, I try to do it. Sometimes he does say I've done a good job.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

You know, I really have to say that I wouldn't call constant criticism, a lack of affection, a total dismissal of your thoughts and opinions and corporal punishment "getting along great". 

You know, my husband has more than a touch of OCD and when we first started living together, I found him going back and cleaning things "right" after I'd already done it. I think I made a couple of accommodations to how he preferred things, but for most of them, I just explained that he was welcome to that chore because I wasn't going to waste my time doing something if it was going to get done twice. And to this day, he does them. I get the impression that at your house not only does he set the standards and enforce them, but he also made a chore chart to make sure they're done in order and on schedule....

I think that separation and finding your own self is a great idea. And you have more than enough reasons to leave a marriage....


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> He's also spanked me, once for cussing.


Eww.
That is not a marriage. That is a father daughter relationship.


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## shellbelle (Mar 23, 2011)

I do agree that it's not normal. The spanking was a very big thing to me, as it was absolutely done in anger and I continued to hurt physically for hours afterwards. I guess my pull is that my kids love their father so much, and he adores them...


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

No one is saying that they shouldn't love their father, just that perhaps there can be a somewhat healthier way for them to relate to each other. I know it's totally a doctor's office poster--but children learn what they live. Just spend some time thinking about the examples you're both setting for these kids. Do you really want them to grow up thinking white glove floor inspections, humiliation and spankings are what marriage is about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shellbelle (Mar 23, 2011)

That's a very good point. I would hate for my children to end up in this type of marriage. Divorce will probably mess that up too though. 

We went to a marriage counselor last week and we're going again today, my demand. He was a bit upset with me that I didn't cancel today's, since he was affectionate with me on Tuesday for a few hours. Last week, the counselor gave us homework, a survery of sorts. I just found his, completely empty. What stinks is he is meeting me at the counselor's office, so he won't do it!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm actually rather of the opinion that especially in _this_ day and age, _something_ parents do is going to "mess up" their kids, lol. I mean seriously, it's always something you're hearing about, right? It's either hovering parents or negligent parents, too many activities or not enough stimulation....if you think to much, you just can't win and either way if you believe the ones on whichever side of the fence that day, your children will grow up to be societal freaks who will need therapy for the rest of their lives. Obviously that's just not true, since most of us have managed to survive reasonably sanely through our lives, right? You just have to make the best decision that you can from a place of love and caring and go from there and things usually work themselves out.

You clearly recognize that your current relationship is dysfunctional and that you wouldn't want your kids to model it. To think that this is how to be a good wife or that this is how to treat the women in your life, right? At least if you live apart, whether he changes or just finds another child-bride to treat the same way, your kids get to see another way of living to learn from. They won't have any less love, just different examples of how love is expressed.

It sounds like he's not really invested in making any real changes to your relationship. If anything, he's making some absolute, absolute minimal effort to try and pacify you so that you'll drop this. If he's not willing to put effort into your relationship right now while your kids are still young, what are things going to look like in 5, 10, 20 years when he's even more "set in his ways"?


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