# My wife is dead set on divorce, and I feel completely hopeless.



## BRL (1 mo ago)

On Halloween night, my wife came home from work and told me that she believes we should separate (in-house). Her reasons being that we get along for little more than a week at a time and that when we do get along it feels “forced”, things feel awkward between us while we’re out in public together, that she loses more feelings for me with each fight and that this would be a last-ditch effort to potentially save our marriage. I was crushed yet remained calm, validated her feelings, and let her know I supported her decision. We hugged, kissed and both said “I love you.”

The following day, it was as if a switch had been flipped. If she needed to speak to me about the kids or funds, she would go about it in an angry, combative way, turning cold and closed off outside of those times. Along with that, I quickly noticed her phone habits had changed. It was now glued to her and she began practically sleeping on top of it. Admittedly, the one night about a week in that I could see it out in the open, partially covered by her leg, I attempted to log into it only to find she had changed the passcode when she had always wanted us to have all of the other's codes and passwords. When asked about it, she became angry, claimed she hadn't been any different with her phone, but didn't want me invading her privacy.

To make a long story short, things have only become worse with each passing week, especially with us working for the same company (different departments). She accused me of telling our business to coworkers, smearing her name and trying to make her look bad when come to find out, it's her who’s been doing those things. She tells me she’ll always have love for me but isn't in love with me, doesn't “give a ****” about me or what im doing, at all, is done and actively looking for an apartment of her own. She says this is no longer a separation. We’re divorcing. She's suddenly more interested in improving her appearance than ever now, getting new clothes, new shoes, a $99 per month tanning membership and is planning to join a gym. Most troubling of all, I found a receipt from Victorias Secret showing she had spent nearly $400 on lingerie. When I tried approaching her about it, as carefully as possible, she told me not to even ask. Nothing is “any of my business” anymore. It's for her and her only, and that she's had stuff like this for year's and never wore any of it, so why would I worry, she asked. After being pressed a little more, she decided to throw everything back in the bag and return them.

I feel completely hopeless, lost and have found nothing in the way of coping mechanisms that work for me. I’m barely eating, sleeping and dwell on my situation every waking minute.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well, you want the good news or the bad news?


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well, you want the good news or the bad news?


Go for it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

She is seeing someone.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> She is seeing someone.


and the bad?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Agree with the others. I think there’s a guy in the picture, now. I guess she wants to have you both until she can decide who “wins.” Not 100% sure she’s involved with another guy, but her new habits and behavior suggest that.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

BRL said:


> On Halloween night, my wife came home from work and told me that she believes we should separate (in-house). Her reasons being that we get along for little more than a week at a time and that when we do get along it feels “forced”, things feel awkward between us while we’re out in public together, that she loses more feelings for me with each fight and that this would be a last-ditch effort to potentially save our marriage. I was crushed yet remained calm, validated her feelings, and let her know I supported her decision. We hugged, kissed and both said “I love you.”
> 
> The following day, it was as if a switch had been flipped. If she needed to speak to me about the kids or funds, she would go about it in an angry, combative way, turning cold and closed off outside of those times. Along with that, I quickly noticed her phone habits had changed. It was now glued to her and she began practically sleeping on top of it. Admittedly, the one night about a week in that I could see it out in the open, partially covered by her leg, I attempted to log into it only to find she had changed the passcode when she had always wanted us to have all of the other's codes and passwords. When asked about it, she became angry, claimed she hadn't been any different with her phone, but didn't want me invading her privacy.
> 
> ...


When a woman seemingly becomes unpleasant, and you have given her for no apparent reason to be angry about being married to you, it's often because she has found somebody else and is trying to cause you to pull the plug on the marriage so she doesn't have to look like the bad person by pulling the plug herself. 

If this is the case, she probably has lost all respect for you, which you can never get back. So, it's often best to end the marriage and move onto better things in life. No marriage is worth the stress you are being put under.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Well, you want the good news or the bad news?





Keepin-my-head-up said:


> and the bad?


Look up "Weightlifters standard evidence post" and read

You and your wife - soon - to - be - ex have some issues. And her integrity/boundaries are such that she has something going down on the side - male gender I suspect. 
Whatever you two have been arguing about - she is using as justification to invest in another relationship of ??? sort. You are THE Mr. Bad Guy in her life. Best you gather your wits and start digging. $$$ spent? Phone? Appearance (makeup/clothes)? Time spent other than work and home?

Best you get all your finances in order, collect all the documentation and take it to a lawyer specializing in divorce as that is your current path and you need to be prepared for same.
If something changes in the future, you can stop any proceedings you have started.

You two working in same location? I bet others have some idea of what she is up to but being most folks have the "not by business" attitude - not likely anyone will share what they have seen. 

In short - you need to wake up pronto and realize you life is in for imminent change. You need to prepare for any eventuality ASAP!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m going to give a woman’s perspective here, this sounds serious, and it doesn’t sound like cheating. 

She’s only glued to her phone now, and she’s actively looking for an apartment, and filing for divorce. 

Cheaters don’t actively look for an apartment. They stick around and hope the betrayed spouse pulls the plug first. You both work at the same place. You’d have known she was cheating already. 

It sounds like SHE has done a 180. 

Why? 

What led to this? 

You mentioned she’s told coworkers about you. 

What has she told the coworkers about you?

I’m happy to be proven wrong if she is cheating. But this does not look like a cheater. She is clear and responsible. Cheater’s don’t move out first. 

They couch surf or move into someone’s apartment after the BS has filed first


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

if you have been a good husband, no cheating, supportive and loving, and she comes home an says that to you . i would simply say why wait until the divorce and put all her stuff in garbage bags and send her packing. oh and as she is gathering her stuff up off the front lawn ask her when the divorce papers are coming so you will be home.. 

if you have done something to provoke her behavior like cheating, abusive etc.. well the chickens have come home to roost..


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the best way to make sure you have control of the situation is to expose her affair or her interest in soemone else...you need to dig and get the evidence otherwise the whole divorce thing will be your fault...look you the idea of saving your marriage is past now you need to get yourself in the best possible light so that she does not control the narrative


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

She is cheating, or well on her way. You need to tell her that she is either all in or all out in your relationship. If she needs some space for a short while that is fine, but that it is not your okay for her to flirt with or see other men during this time. If she wants to do that you will end the marriage.

if she says she is still committed to you and not looking for other men then tell her the open device policy is still in effect. And she will answer questions like why did she buy $400 in lingerie? If she can’t or won’t answer those questions or open devices then you need to turn up the heat.

Tell her you will move to D right away. Set up appointments with 3 D attorneys, pick one and have her served.

This isn’t a game. Your marriage is in serious jeopardy right now. You need to take control of the situation, and quit letting her work up the courage to have an affair. if you truly want to save your marriage you need to act quickly and decisively, or suffer the consequences. Good luck.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I agree with the others. There is a new rooster in the hen house.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The other thing women do before they find an apartment. is to tell their husbands repeatedly what they need. They beg, plead, cry, try to change you, they try to change themselves. Some people refer to this as nagging. 

They do all of this before they start telling everyone else, and they finally find the courage to leave. Then there’s a new haircut, looking good, and a new apartment. (The new image and lingerie was someone’s advice). 

What was she pleading and nagging about. 

This all applies if she’s not cheating. 

Oh, and women will also warn men sometimes about cheating if there’s no affection or sex from his end. They’ll warn men first. Women always always talk so much. Don’t they.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Exit37 said:


> She is cheating, or well on her way. You need to tell her that she is either all in or all out in your relationship. If she needs some space for a short while that is fine, but that it is not your okay for her to flirt with or see other men during this time. If she wants to do that you will end the marriage.
> 
> if she says she is still committed to you and not looking for other men then tell her the open device policy is still in effect. And she will answer questions like why did she buy $400 in lingerie? If she can’t or won’t answer those questions or open devices then you need to turn up the heat.
> 
> ...


I dont understand this post, it doesn’t apply.. 

She told OP she would like a divorce, and is looking for an apartment. It's over.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I dont understand this post, it doesn’t apply..
> 
> She told OP she would like a divorce, and is looking for an apartment. It's over.


But she moved to separation first, instead of filing for D. Sometimes that’s because she wants to keep her options open, in case her new boyfriend doesn’t work out, or she finds out she isn’t quite the catch she thinks she is. Maybe not, my point is if she doesn’t want to work on the marriage, and wants to date others, he should take the reins and drive the divorce. 

He clearly wants to save the marriage if he can, so putting her on the spot, before she is too far down the “other man” road, is a valid strategy to get her to really think about what she is doing. And, if she has her mind made up then he’s closer to getting the D done and moving on with his life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The bad news:
Your wife has someone new on her life and has long since lost all feelings for you. She’s going to divorce you, and if you hang around like a puppy trying to “win her back” because you love her, you will be absolutely raped in divorce. See an attorney pronto and file first if you can at all costs. Then you’ll control when the court dates are, etc. yeah, your life is going to be screwed up for a year or two and it’s going to hurt. Bad. 

The good news:

your life is NOT over. She’s given you a gift although it doesn’t seem that way now. You CAN replace her, and with a nicer model. I know you can’t bear the thought of it. Nobody is irreplaceable. Your wife is cheating. She’s not hard to replace.

warning: If you don’t see an attorney and file, you’re going to suffer even more.
If you try to chase her, beg, plead, etc. she will run even harder and faster for the door.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

BRL said:


> On Halloween night, my wife came home from work and told me that she believes we should separate (in-house). Her reasons being that we get along for little more than a week at a time and that when we do get along it feels “forced”, things feel awkward between us while we’re out in public together, that she loses more feelings for me with each fight and that this would be a last-ditch effort to potentially save our marriage. I was crushed yet remained calm, validated her feelings, and let her know I supported her decision. We hugged, kissed and both said “I love you.”
> 
> The following day, it was as if a switch had been flipped. If she needed to speak to me about the kids or funds, she would go about it in an angry, combative way, turning cold and closed off outside of those times. Along with that, I quickly noticed her phone habits had changed. It was now glued to her and she began practically sleeping on top of it. Admittedly, the one night about a week in that I could see it out in the open, partially covered by her leg, I attempted to log into it only to find she had changed the passcode when she had always wanted us to have all of the other's codes and passwords. When asked about it, she became angry, claimed she hadn't been any different with her phone, but didn't want me invading her privacy.
> 
> To make a long story short, things have only become worse with each passing week, especially with us working for the same company (different departments). She accused me of telling our business to coworkers, smearing her name and trying to make her look bad when come to find out, it's her who’s been doing those things. She tells me she’ll always have love for me but isn't in love with me, doesn't “give a ****” about me or what im doing, at all, is done and actively looking for an apartment of her own. She says this is no longer a separation. We’re divorcing. She's suddenly more interested in improving her appearance than ever now, getting new clothes, new shoes, a $99 per month tanning membership and is planning to join a gym. Most troubling of all, I found a receipt from Victorias Secret showing she had spent nearly $400 on lingerie. When I tried approaching her about it, as carefully as possible, she told me not to even ask. Nothing is “any of my business” anymore. It's for her and her only, and that she's had stuff like this for year's and never wore any of it, so why would I worry, she asked. After being pressed a little more, she decided to throw everything back in the bag and return them.


Separation to save marriage? Separation cannot help save a marriage in my view. Separation allows a person to emotionally detach from another instead.

I have highlighted parts of your description in RED for perspective. These set of behaviors are in line with a wife being interested in another man [at minimum]. She is guarding her phone which is "suspect behavior" on her part - the term RED FLAG is appropriate fit. 



BRL said:


> I feel completely hopeless, lost and have found nothing in the way of coping mechanisms that work for me. I’m barely eating, sleeping and dwell on my situation every waking minute.


Your pain is understandable, but do you think that you can make your marriage work by yourself? Your spouse is supposed to act like one as well, right?

Your wife have conveyed her intent to you (blue highlight). Arguments will be useless with her at this stage. You need to consult a lawyer pronto.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Can you get access to her phone records from the bill or the phone company?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

400$ worth of laungerie...?...I'm assuming your sex life is a zero as well...?...Gas lighting you to others at work...? ...Glued to the phone...?...

If someone showed you these things and asked you what you thought going on what would you say...?...

Of course evidence always helps 🙄.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> The other thing women do before they find an apartment. is to tell their husbands repeatedly what they need. They beg, plead, cry, try to change you, they try to change themselves. Some people refer to this as nagging.
> 
> They do all of this before they start telling everyone else, and they finallyfinally find the courage to leave. Then there’s a new haircut, looking good, and a new apartment. (The new image and lingerie was someone’s advice).
> 
> ...


Find the courage to leave? LMAO. Doesn’t take a lot of courage to be a dirty cheater.

You’re thinking people suggest a married woman buy 400$ worth of lingerie to “change their look”????? What, do they wear it out in public now? 
Surely this is a joke. Nobody can be this badly
Mistaken.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Find the courage to leave? LMAO. Doesn’t take a lot of courage to be a dirty cheater.
> 
> You’re thinking people suggest a married woman buy 400$ worth of lingerie to “change their look”????? What, do they wear it out in public now?
> Surely this is a joke. Nobody can be this badly
> Mistaken.


I might be mistaken! I hope I am and she’s not cheating, that would be awful. 

We don’t wear it in public lol. But it’s a small step to feeling good, and something we women tell eachother to do to feel a little bit good.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your marriage is over OP, your wife has decided that and is preparing to move out and move her bf in. 

She absolutely is seeing someone. That's abundantly clear. She just held off on securing an apartment until she was sure she wanted him as her plan A.

You NEED to get all your ducks in a row - financially, custodially and file for D now. Have her served at work. *****.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> I might be mistaken! I hope I am and she’s not cheating, that would be awful.
> 
> We don’t wear it in public lol. But it’s a small step to feeling good, and something we women tell eachother to do to feel a little bit good.


She's absolutely cheating. I would spend $400 on lingerie, but only to wear for my husband.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Your marriage is over OP, your wife has decided that and is preparing to move out and move her bf in.
> 
> She absolutely is seeing someone. That's abundantly clear. She just held off on securing an apartment until she was sure she wanted him as her plan A.
> 
> You NEED to get all your ducks in a row - financially, custodially and file for D now. Have her served at work. ***.


Yep sure seems that way.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

BRL said:


> I attempted to log into it only to find she had changed the passcode when she had always wanted us to have all of the other's codes and passwords. When asked about it, she became angry, claimed she hadn't been any different with her phone, but didn't want me invading her privacy.


If it is Android then you can try your luck with Droidkit.



https://www.imobie.com/support/how-to-bypass-android-lock-screen-without-reset.htm



If it is Apple then you can try your luck with PassFab.









How to: 4 ways to get into a locked iPhone without the Password | AppleInsider


Apple devices are popular for their security features, including a strong passcode lock preventing unauthorized access. But if you forget the passcode, you'll have a problem. Here's how to bypass it.




appleinsider.com





I am not sure if this effort is worth the trouble in your case. But for your knowledge.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

I'm sorry, OP. She is definitely seeing someone else. He likely told her it was do-or-die time, and she had to leave you or lose him. She chose the former. 

All is not lost for you, though. You can take control now by speaking to a divorce attorney who can guide you on the best way forward in disolving this marriage. Do what you need to do to preserve your own well-being.


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## Gladshesgone (1 mo ago)

This hit all of the cheater cliches. Only thing that would put the cherry on top is if it’s with a coworker or old boyfriend. A lot of this mirrors the end of my 9-year marriage. Shift in behavior, guarding phone (cheaters love Snapchat), “girls night”, working out, just downright meanness because they see you as an annoying obstacle, tons of gaslighting, blame shifting, and zero remorse.

They’re more concerned with their reputation. Don’t beg. Don’t plead. There’s no salvaging it. Get into individual counseling, get yourself protected financially, and start going gray rock (look it up). And do not be around when or if she tries to monkey branch back when things with the affair partner aren’t as exciting and it falls apart.


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## Gladshesgone (1 mo ago)

I bet the OP would be flabbergasted to discover when the affair first started.

When I discovered my ex wife’s affair, my detective skills led me to discover another affair that had lasted years. “How could you be so stupid?” Aw, I asked myself the same thing but when your wife presents herself as a good “Christian” woman, it makes you drop your guard. Well, that, and I had no idea what Snapchat was and didn’t know the secret life she had.

Regardless, it’s not your shame to bare,OP. Do not let this person gaslight you. Don’t bother trying to get her back but I would look at your phone records and maybe hire a PI just to have peace of mind and put the puzzle pieces together so you don’t fall for the “it was after we separated” when she’s shown with the new guy.

Note to anyone in the future, young women do not bounce unless they have someone waiting in the wings. That’s a fact.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Exit37 said:


> But she moved to separation first, instead of filing for D. Sometimes that’s because she wants to keep her options open, in case her new boyfriend doesn’t work out, or she finds out she isn’t quite the catch she thinks she is. Maybe not, my point is if she doesn’t want to work on the marriage, and wants to date others, he should take the reins and drive the divorce.
> 
> He clearly wants to save the marriage if he can, so putting her on the spot, before she is too far down the “other man” road, is a valid strategy to get her to really think about what she is doing. And, if she has her mind made up then he’s closer to getting the D done and moving on with his life.


Maybe you didn't read the whole opening post. He was telling the whole story. Wife has moved on to saying she wants a divorce and is looking to move out. So....


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Well, sh!t happens.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Demand she get an STD test and show you the results. 

You go get one too. 

Do not swap bodily fluid with her or engage in sex until results of tests are known.

Do the 180 starting now. 

File divorce on grounds of adultery. You can stop the process at any time if you want to.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Agree with the others. I think there’s a guy in the picture, now. I guess she wants to have you both until she can decide who “wins.” Not 100% sure she’s involved with another guy, but her new habits and behavior suggest that.


I too, agree...

There is a guy.

How tight the _guy-wire_ is, remains unsure.
She is now doing the balancing act on that _guy-wire._

If that wire is taut enough, she will venture out on it, walking the separation, and then the divorce.

I suspect she is doing that monkey-branching, using the guy-wire, that she has stretched-out, between her affair partner at work, and you.

Once she moves out, she will _test drive _him.
She will take him on long rides between the sheets, long rides out in the country, just shooting the breeze.

For a short period, her mind was unsettled, at home.
As her affair firmed up and stood tall in her eyes, her mind is set, has settled on him.
This is happening now.

What might cause this affair-aspire of hers to let loose and crash to the ground?

If her affair partner, the POSOM, dumps her, when she becomes his, and his alone.
Many men, only want the affair sex, not the actual wife, offering it up.

If he dumps her, expect her to come running back, never admitting anything.
Or maybe, saying she changed her mind, you are the best!


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## Leavingyou (1 mo ago)

BRL said:


> On Halloween night, my wife came home from work and told me that she believes we should separate (in-house). Her reasons being that we get along for little more than a week at a time and that when we do get along it feels “forced”, things feel awkward between us while we’re out in public together, that she loses more feelings for me with each fight and that this would be a last-ditch effort to potentially save our marriage. I was crushed yet remained calm, validated her feelings, and let her know I supported her decision. We hugged, kissed and both said “I love you.”
> 
> The following day, it was as if a switch had been flipped. If she needed to speak to me about the kids or funds, she would go about it in an angry, combative way, turning cold and closed off outside of those times. Along with that, I quickly noticed her phone habits had changed. It was now glued to her and she began practically sleeping on top of it. Admittedly, the one night about a week in that I could see it out in the open, partially covered by her leg, I attempted to log into it only to find she had changed the passcode when she had always wanted us to have all of the other's codes and passwords. When asked about it, she became angry, claimed she hadn't been any different with her phone, but didn't want me invading her privacy.
> 
> ...


She is definitely cheating on you. One day she will see what she gave up and come crawling back but that probably won’t be for a while.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

As an adjunct to my previous reply: demand DNA verification for your kids. The seriousness and reality that you know she is a cheating wife will slap some reality into her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming you are not abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, cheating yourself or chronically unemployed/underemployed or are continually hostile and belittling to her all the time, then it is 99.99% likely that she is involved with someone else. 

Mothers simply do not pack up and leave the fathers of their children without what they believe is a Bigger, Better Deal (BBD) waiting for them.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Assuming you are abusive, alcoholic/drug addict, cheating yourself or chronically unemployed/underemployed or are continually hostile and belittling to her all the time, then it is 99.99% likely that she is involved with someone else.
> 
> Mothers simply do not pack up and leave the fathers of their children without what they believe is a Bigger, Better Deal (BBD) waiting for them.


They SURE AS **** DO.

I did. 

My husband was a rotten partner, and refused to support me in any way, even at friendship level, during a medical crisis I had. 

I ended up leaving him because it was not a real marriage. Had 2 elementary school aged kids. He refused counseling, etc.

There was no one else. The marriage was simply a lie so I left it.

So yeah....women DO leave bad marriages because the marriage sucks.

It really irritates me when people say no woman leaves a marriage unless there is someone else.

Women often leave ****ty marriages because they are ****ty.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> They SURE AS **** DO.
> 
> I did.
> 
> ...


Livvie, have you had your coffee this morning?
You seem pretty Livvid. 😋


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> They SURE AS **** DO.
> 
> I did.
> 
> ...


I said assuming a husband is not abusive, alcoholic/addicted, unemployed, continually hostile, belittling etc etc. 

In the absence of outright bad behavior by the H, it is rare for a mother of young children to leave the father unless she believes a BBD is waiting for her. 

If the OP is abusive or an alcoholic/addict or hasn't held a job in years or is always a d1ck to her all the time, then she may be leaving him just to get away. 

But if he is not any of those things and is a normal, decent guy that is supportive and treats her and the kids decently, then there is about a 99+% chance she is involved with someone else.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I said assuming a husband is not abusive, alcoholic/addicted, unemployed, continually hostile, belittling etc etc.
> 
> In the absence of outright bad behavior by the H, it is rare for a mother of young children to leave the father unless she believes a BBD is waiting for her.
> 
> ...


In your post you stated it "simply doesn't happen" that a woman leaves a marriage without cheating/someone lined up. 

Maybe you shouldn't say things like they are fact, when they are far from factual. 

We don't know what kind of marriage the OP is actually providing. Maybe he is "nice" but that doesn't mean there is any kind of good connection between them. We don't know what things she has shared with him about the marriage that haven't been resolved. 

Women do leave marriages, if they are unfulfilling enough, without another party involved. Men do, too. There are lots of us on this very forum


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> In your post you stated it "simply doesn't happen" that a woman leaves a marriage without cheating/someone lined up.
> 
> Maybe you shouldn't say things like they are fact, when they are far from factual.
> 
> ...


Livvie,
She’s buying 400$ lingerie with marital resources and saying she wants a Divorce.
She’s not buying lingerie to feel hood about herself. She’s buying it to wear for someone and it clearly isn’t her husband.

OP may be an awful man, we don’t know. But she wants a divorce and is obviously cheating.
She’s for SURE awful.

Either way, he should set her “free”. Immediately.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> In your post you stated it "simply doesn't happen" that a woman leaves a marriage without cheating/someone lined up.
> 
> Maybe you shouldn't say things like they are fact, when they are far from factual.
> 
> ...


Yes if some guy is abusive or alcoholic or unemployed or mistreats her and/or the kids, of course a woman may leave him without being involved with someone else. 

If the OP comes back and admits he has been mistreating her chronically or hasn't been able or willing to hold down a job or is a drunk or whatever,, then there is a chance she has just had enough and is moving on. 

But in the absence of those things, it is rare for the mother of young children to pack up and leave the gainfully employed father. 

In fact what we see here most often is the WW having the affair on the side with Sven From Yoga or Kevin From Sales, but continues to remain with the BH for finances and support and child care. 

The fact that this gal is actually leaving along with all the other red flags of cheating, assuming he isn't abusive or a drunk etc it is almost a slam dunk that there is someone else in the picture. 

But yeah, if he is a drunk or abusive or hasn't worked in years or is just an ass, then perhaps there isn't someone else yet.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Livvie,
> She’s buying 400$ lingerie with marital resources and saying she wants a Divorce.
> She’s not buying lingerie to feel hood about herself. She’s buying it to wear for someone and it clearly isn’t her husband.
> 
> ...


Yes he should. But that's happening. She said she wants a divorce and is looking for an apartment. It's over. 

People can perseverate on and on and on about potential cheating but why? She doesn't want to stay with him. She wants a divorce. She's trying to move out. It's over. _She's told him all of these things_. 

If he doesn't like what she's spending "marital resources" on, he should make legal moves to separate finances ASAP.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Yes if some guy is abusive or alcoholic or unemployed or mistreats her and/or the kids, of course a woman may leave him without being involved with someone else.
> 
> If the OP comes back and admits he has been mistreating her chronically or hasn't been able or willing to hold down a job or is a drunk or whatever,, then there is a chance she has just had enough and is moving on.
> 
> ...


They work for the same company!! 

You are assuming she needs him for money. Sounds like she can support herself.

OP states they fight a lot. The wife is probably tired of a combative, always fighting relationship. I know I would be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> They work for the same company!!
> 
> You are assuming she needs him for money. Sounds like she can support herself.
> 
> OP states they fight a lot. The wife is probably tired of a combative, always fighting relationship. I know I would be.


No where have I said she needs him for money. 

The fighting could be him being abusive and an ass. 

Or it could be that she is involved with someone else and has become hypercritical and resentful and condescending and bitter towards him which is also very common with WW's and can be a sign of an affair in and of itself. 

Again, I am saying IN THE ABSENCE OF abuse, alcoholism, unemployment, mistreatment etc etc etc....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marital drama is bad drama, is toxic.

Leaving and divorcing, is that _Dramamine_ cure for a marriage on the rocks.

Somehow, and oddly, precious nerves have been triggered by this seemingly, _$400_, _*red lingerie *_post. 👙

Tempers are short, as is patience for perceived misogyny.

I slammed into this cold wall last week.

So I....uh, never mind.....

Menz are vin-dik-ative.

The _Yule Tide_ season is depressing for those finding, or feeling themselves alone.


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## Gladshesgone (1 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Yes he should. But that's happening. She said she wants a divorce and is looking for an apartment. It's over. People can perseverate on and on and on about potential cheating but why? She doesn't want to stay with him. She wants a divorce. She's trying to move out. It's over. _She's told him all of these things_. If he doesn't like what she's spending "marital resources" on, he should make legal moves to separate finances ASAP.


 Well, when someone just got sucker punched in life and are trying to figure out what happened when their life got turned upside down. Your situation is not the common thing. Women are cheating like never before nowadays. She exhibits all of the cliche behavior of a cheater. Again, I think you’re a minority as women monkey branch for a perceived better situation or an extra source of attention all while blaming the man of course.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

BRL said:


> She tells me she’ll always have love for me but isn't in love with me


You got the "ILYBINILWY" speech. Buying lot's of lingerie that is not for you. Shopping for an apartment (to test drive new men in case you didn't put 2 and 2 together). Heck she flat out told you that the two of you are divorcing. It's over. Just file for divorce. Sorry man.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Well, he hasn’t come back, so… we don’t know


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BRL said:


> we get along for little more than a week at a time and that when we do get along it feels “forced”, things feel awkward between us while we’re out in public together, that she loses more feelings for me with each fight


Is this true? Are you two fighting all of the time? If so, how long has that been going on and what are you arguing about?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’ll gamble the senseless fights started about the time she got some sugar from her new dude, in an attempt to get him to say he wanted a divorce and she could jump on that with both feet before he found out about her playmate. And the fights are a way to avoid normal intimacy. It’s clear to me that OP didn’t want to lose her.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

There is another man stop wasting your time and get the best divorce attorney in the area where you live because the marriage is over. Do it before she hires this person. She is 1 or 2 steps ahead of you. BTW I am sorry for what you are going through it sucks.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

I made the typical mistakes of being weak, begging, pleading, making promises, and leaving notes as late as yesterday morning, but plan to make as strong an effort as possible to be strong and pull a 180.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

There’s a big piece of information I haven't yet disclosed, quite frankly out of embarrassment. A very similar situation happened the last time she got a job 7 years prior. She began working, and soon exhibited the typical signs of cheating. Questioning her only caused her to act out in anger, eventually announce she wanted a divorce and eventually leave for a hotel. It was then I discovered she and her boss were texting back and forth upwards of 200 times per day (”It was. never about anything other than work!”) before admittedly having a one-off. 

I don't know why I can't just walk away, but I can't...


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Live with it or get rid of it


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BRL said:


> There’s a big piece of information I haven't yet disclosed, quite frankly out of embarrassment. A very similar situation happened the last time she got a job 7 years prior. She began working, and soon exhibited the typical signs of cheating. Questioning her only caused her to act out in anger, eventually announce she wanted a divorce and eventually leave for a hotel. It was then I discovered she and her boss were texting back and forth upwards of 200 times per day (”It was. never about anything other than work!”) before admittedly having a one-off.
> 
> I don't know why I can't just walk away, but I can't...


what do you mean by 'having a one-off'? She slept with him once?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> I don't know why I can't just walk away, but I can't...


I tell you why... and it's the true, whether you want to accept it or not. You can't walk away because you are what the typical Western man has become. A man, that has no pride, no self respect, no dignity. A man that is afraid, has no idea how to disengage, because you are so codependent with the relationship you have that can't or just forgot what it was like to be a man when you first started this relationship. You are today's typical male with the reverse role of the 1950's wife, where she was the one crying, wringing her hands in an effort to keep the man from leaving her.

Is becoming alarming the amount of men in today's western societies where they basically hanged their balls, and forgot all about their biological imperatives, their inner DNA warrior that will not allow, or contemplate, a mate that cheats, or is perceived to be able to cheat, otherwise, you might end up raising somebody else's child.

This is why you just can't leave. You might be Alpha with men, but you're a beta orbiter with women. Get your pride, and sense of dignity and self respect the rest will come easy.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

The going from wanting to separate to skipping straight to divorce came about once I expressed my opinion that separation the way she wanted to go about it would not work and was no “latch ditch effort” to save our marriage. She was dead set on getting her own apartment for a year and essentially acting as nothing more than business partners during that time, and disengaging. Nothing more. “**** it, we’ll go straight to divorce then!” She yelled this right in front of our children as well.

To make matters worse she’s projecting and truly wanting to believe I've bad-mouthed her at work and have dragged her name through the mud when in fact SHE has been doing that to me, and was caught doing so.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> what do you mean by 'having a one-off'? She slept with him once?


Yes. Came home one night, dropped the bomb on me, kept with that story for the better part of 3 years before it eventually morphed into another completely. Now, she didn't “do anything wrong.”


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

You’re married to a selfish serial cheater that will always treat you like dog$**t, get out now. There is nothing left to save except your dignity.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BRL said:


> Yes. Came home one night, dropped the bomb on me, kept with that story for the better part of 3 years before it eventually morphed into another completely. Now, she didn't “do anything wrong.”


She still works for this guy? Really, just go with the divorce and don't look back. Your wife checked out a long time ago and you are not doing yourself any favors by trying to revive it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> The going from wanting to separate to skipping straight to divorce came about once I expressed my opinion that separation the way she wanted to go about it would not work and was no “latch ditch effort” to save our marriage. She was dead set on getting her own apartment for a year and essentially acting as nothing more than business partners during that time, and disengaging. Nothing more. “**** it, we’ll go straight to divorce then!” She yelled this right in front of our children as well.
> 
> To make matters worse she’s projecting and truly wanting to believe I've bad-mouthed her at work and have dragged her name through the mud when in fact SHE has been doing that to me, and was caught doing so.


I rest my case. There you are, allowing whatever **** sandwich she throws at you, while you are there passively arguing, and recriminating, like a naggy wife, instead of being decisive and not allowing her to be disrespectful towards you by gaslighting you. This is the cat and the mouse game, and you are the mouse.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She still works for this guy? Really, just go with the divorce and don't look back. Your wife checked out a long time ago and you are not doing yourself any favors by trying to revive it.


 No, he ended up messing around with another worker and fired my wife shortly afterwards.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BRL said:


> No, he ended up messing around with another worker and fired my wife shortly afterwards.


lol, why was she fired? Or should I say, what was the reason he/she said she was fired?


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> lol, why was she fired? Or should I say, what was the reason he/she said she was fired?


 Her drawer was short. She claimed she was “set up”. Either way, she was told to hit the door.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BRL said:


> Her drawer was short. She claimed she was “set up”. Either way, she was told to hit the door.


I guess she now knows she was a disposable piece of ass to him.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I guess she now knows she was a disposable piece of ass to him.


 “All guys are the same!”


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Working and living together is too much and especially considering that you invade her privacy relentlessly. 

Give her a divorce.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BRL said:


> “All guys are the same!”


Ok so your wife is basically having boyfriends while she is married to you. Wonder who this new guy is? Doesn't matter but she clearly wants to live the single life. Let her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BRL said:


> I made the typical mistakes of being weak, begging, pleading, making promises, and leaving notes as late as yesterday morning, but plan to make as strong an effort as possible to be strong and pull a 180.


Those are indeed typical mistakes. I urge you to accept the pain, go see an attorney, and start the divorce. Stoping the weak behavior, doing what you know you should do, and bring a strong man who dies the exact opposite of what your mind makes you want to do—— that’s the only chance you have of fixing your marriage (you shouldn’t, she’s awful) or better yet, just divorce her and move on.

I know you’re hurting. We’ve been there. It’s torture and it seems like it will never get better. It will. Slowly. It won’t until you take action.
And I mean filing. She’s gone. Don’t let hope hurt you. Hope is your worst enemy next to her right now. It keeps you in it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BRL said:


> There’s a big piece of information I haven't yet disclosed, quite frankly out of embarrassment. A very similar situation happened the last time she got a job 7 years prior. She began working, and soon exhibited the typical signs of cheating. Questioning her only caused her to act out in anger, eventually announce she wanted a divorce and eventually leave for a hotel. It was then I discovered she and her boss were texting back and forth upwards of 200 times per day (”It was. never about anything other than work!”) before admittedly having a one-off.
> 
> I don't know why I can't just walk away, but I can't...


A one-off? Surely you realize he banged her until he was tired of her. I’m sorry. Serial cheater.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@BRL, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, and I agree with the others in that she's probably seeing someone, given the being glued to her cell, sudden interest in her appearance, and the load of lingerie. 

If I were in your position, what I'd do is hush up, and really start watching her movements. Hide a VAR in her car to record conversations, put tracking on her phone if you're able to get into it, whatever you can do to prove that there's infidelity. While that's happening, get your own ducks in a row with important papers around your home, anything that is of any significance to you (take this stuff to a trusted friend or family member's house), finances, and speak to a lawyer to get some divorce papers ready to rock and roll. 

Once you have your proof, I would slap my spouse with the divorce papers and beat them at their own game. Gain the upper hand and take control of your life and the situation that your wife has created. I wish you the best of luck! Keep posting here; the folks here are full of ideas and are a great source of support.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Working and living together is too much and especially considering that you invade her privacy relentlessly.
> 
> Give her a divorce.


Riv, you are on point this morning with your man hating. Come on now. Of course he’s insecure and checking up on her. She’s a serial cheater.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> We don’t wear it in public lol. But it’s a small step to feeling good, and something we women tell eachother to do to feel a little bit good.


We do? I've never been told this, and have never told any of my girlfriends either.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Working and living together is too much and especially considering that you invade her privacy relentlessly.
> 
> Give her a divorce.


I invade her privacy relentlessly? How so? By attempting to log into her phone ONCE after she began exhibiting some of the same signs as before, when she was having an affair? The same phone she pressed for me to have the passcode for (along with many other passwords) while telling me I can log into it “anytime”? Outside of that, I’ve looked at her call/text logs. I pay her bill. The lingerie I found while putting her laundry away, and while we are still very much married I have every right to question why she would make such a purchase with OUR money just 4 weeks into wanting to separate. Quite the strange timing, and not exactly something you buy for only you to be seen in. Think.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Ursula said:


> We do? I've never been told this, and have never told any of my girlfriends either.


 A friend she’s been ****-talking me to at work tried guilt-tripping me over my wife returning that stuff after I questioned her about it, saying she bought those things to feel pretty, and that she didn't want to fight about it, thus returned them. I questioned her about it in the most calm, careful way possible. “You took that away from her.”

There isn't a man on this planet who wouldn't have questioned that given the timing and circumstances.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Ursula said:


> @BRL, I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, and I agree with the others in that she's probably seeing someone, given the being glued to her cell, sudden interest in her appearance, and the load of lingerie.
> 
> If I were in your position, what I'd do is hush up, and really start watching her movements. Hide a VAR in her car to record conversations, put tracking on her phone if you're able to get into it, whatever you can do to prove that there's infidelity. While that's happening, get your own ducks in a row with important papers around your home, anything that is of any significance to you (take this stuff to a trusted friend or family member's house), finances, and speak to a lawyer to get some divorce papers ready to rock and roll.
> 
> Once you have your proof, I would slap my spouse with the divorce papers and beat them at their own game. Gain the upper hand and take control of your life and the situation that your wife has created. I wish you the best of luck! Keep posting here; the folks here are full of ideas and are a great source of support.


 You're right. It's going to be difficult, VERY difficult, but this is what needs to be done, I’m afraid.

This has been the toughest thing I've ever been through, and I have 3 young children in the middle of all of this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Working and living together is too much and especially considering that you invade her privacy relentlessly.


what a pathetic, biased statement as always, you just made. When you suspect your partner of shenanigans, the only right to privacy in when you're sitting in the toilet. get over yourself,and your man bashing posts. That, or better get some reading comprehension studies.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> what a pathetic, biased statement as always, you just made. When you suspect your partner of shenanigans, the only right to privacy in when you're sitting in the toilet. get over yourself,and your man bashing posts. That, or better get some reading comprehension studies.


Doesn't matter what thread it is, you can always count on it.🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

I see she has now transferred her phone line to a new account.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

You need to get your butt in gear and start doing what you need to or else you are going to be left with nothing. Sounds like she is already five steps ahead of you.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Speak to a lawyer quickly and stop speaking to your wife altogether unless is concerns childcare. Speaking with her will accomplish nothing practical. She will lie, deny and gaslight you into oblivion. 

If you can afford it hire a private investigator to gather evidence for you. If you are not in a state that is at fault, the proof can be useful in other ways especially if you expose the affair to protect your own reputation from further damage. She has to blacken your name so she can distract others and lay the blame for her poor choices at your feet.

If you plan to divorce say nothing to her. Make your preparations while she is distracted and have her served when you are ready.

Take precautions to avoid being alone with her especially if you pursue divorce. False allegations of abuse and/or violence have blindsided many husbands in your place.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> Speak to a lawyer quickly and stop speaking to your wife altogether unless is concerns childcare. Speaking with her will accomplish nothing practical. She will lie, deny and gaslight you into oblivion.
> 
> If you can afford it hire a private investigator to gather evidence for you. If you are not in state that is at fault the proof can be useful in other ways especially if you expose the affair to protect your own reputation from further damage. She has to blacken your name so she can distract others and lay the blame for her poor choices at your feet.
> 
> ...


 Will do. It's horrifically difficult being in the same apartment for the time being, especially when she decides to get all dolled up and leave and I have to see that, but I plan on doing a 180 and focusing on me and my children for the time being. I don't want to give her the satisfaction anymore of seeing me hurt. 

We will begin working opposite shifts soon (we both work a rotating 4x4.) Not crossing paths at work at random times only for her to look angry and find a way to turn away will be good. The worry of wondering what she’s doing while I’m working while she’s at home will likely be brutal for awhile though.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

She is your wife on paper only at this point. You need to look at this as a business transaction. File for divorce and get this over as quickly and quietly as you can without letting yourself get screwed. Let your wife go get an apartment if she wants to. Her leaving before having legal standing orders might actually help your custody case. You do need an attorney ASAP. I would have a consult with 3 divorce attorneys and pick the one you're most comfortable with. Take good care of your kids and remember to take care of yourself as well. It sucks but you will be fine when it's all over.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BRL said:


> Will do. It's horrifically difficult being in the same apartment for the time being, especially when she decides to get all dolled up and leave and I have to see that, but I plan on doing a 180 and focusing on me and my children for the time being. I don't want to give her the satisfaction anymore of seeing me hurt.
> 
> We will begin working opposite shifts soon (we both work a rotating 4x4.) Not crossing paths at work at random times only for her to look angry and find a way to turn away will be good. The worry of wondering what she’s doing while I’m working while she’s at home will likely be brutal for awhile though.


It will be brutal. Yes It will and it is unavoidable.

What she is doing she is doing on purpose. She will get angrier still once you take action (file for divorce and have her served). The less you react to whatever nonsense she is trying to stir the more she will react.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Tex X said:


> She is your wife on paper only at this point. You need to look at this as a business transaction. File for divorce and get this over as quickly and quietly as you can without letting yourself get screwed. Let your wife go get an apartment if she wants to. Her leaving before having legal standing orders might actually help your custody case. You do need an attorney ASAP. I would have a consult with 3 divorce attorneys and pick the one you're most comfortable with. Take good care of your kids and remember to take care of yourself as well. It sucks but you will be fine when it's all over.


 “She is your wife only on paper at this point.” I can't express how sad that makes me feel.

I sincerely appreciate your advice.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BRL said:


> A friend she’s been ****-talking me to at work tried guilt-tripping me over my wife returning that stuff after I questioned her about it, saying she bought those things to feel pretty, and that she didn't want to fight about it, thus returned them. I questioned her about it in the most calm, careful way possible. “You took that away from her.”
> 
> There isn't a man on this planet who wouldn't have questioned that given the timing and circumstances.


Hey BRL, I was actually questioning LuckyLucky's post saying that we as women encourage each other to wear lingerie to feel good/pretty. This isn't something that I've done or had done to me. Personally, your wife buying all of that lingerie is sketchy and she has the oddest timing with it. If my BF suddenly showed up with a load of sexy gitchies, I'd question him for sure. Especially if we were having troubles and I'd never seen them before.

Luckylucky said:
We don’t wear it in public lol. But it’s a small step to feeling good, and something we women tell eachother to do to feel a little bit good.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> It will be brutal. Yes It will and it is unavoidable.
> 
> What she is doing she is doing on purpose. She will get angrier still once you take action (file for divorce and have her served). The less you react to whatever nonsense she is trying to stir the more she will react.


I believe that as well. I believe she’s on some sort of campaign to punish me in a way, for reasons I’m unaware of. What I haven't understood is, if she's done like she claims she is then why is she so angry, vindictive, and cold towards me? If I was done, I wouldn't feel ****. I'd be DONE. If I attempt to speak to her at all, she acts like a complete asshole and will barely so much as look at me.

She comes home, goes straight to the shower, and then straight into bed with her phone. The kids homework doesn't even get done. I have to scramble to do it in the morning with them.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know where you live but if in in the United States, as long as neither spouse has some big problem like addiction, it is the norm these days to get 50/50 custody of the kids so that you both have equal responsibility and equal time with them and take care of them fully on the days you have them. So you do not need to worry about any of that.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Ursula said:


> Hey BRL, I was actually questioning LuckyLucky's post saying that we as women encourage each other to wear lingerie to feel good/pretty. This isn't something that I've done or had done to me. Personally, your wife buying all of that lingerie is sketchy and she has the oddest timing with it. If my BF suddenly showed up with a load of sexy gitchies, I'd question him for sure. Especially if we were having troubles and I'd never seen them before.
> 
> Luckylucky said:
> We don’t wear it in public lol. But it’s a small step to feeling good, and something we women tell eachother to do to feel a little bit good.


 Very sketchy indeed. When I first tried texting to ask about it/”something”, I got, “Dont. I already know what you're gonna ask.”

Nothing is “any of my business” since all of this started.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)




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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> When I first tried texting to ask about it/”something”, I got, “Dont. I already know what you're gonna ask.”



I don't know if you have already started doing it but you should immediately, cut her off completely, like she doesn't exist. Gray rock her/Iced her. Set up one of those Apps that divorce parents use in order to take care of business for the children involved. No need to ever speak to her again. Do not acknowledge her at all. I can't see why you haven't gotten a lawyer to take care of things. You need to get one ASAP and follow his directives. The time for "hopium" is over. It's time to act decisively, and prompt. This is not just a business transaction, but also warfare what you will most likely have in your hands, so you better catch up with her and be the first to strike. 

I just saw your above post. Man, that was pathetic coming from a man. You better cut that crap up if you can't be assertive enough to ask/respond. Like you been told already, do the 180 completely, and do it know.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Also, why are you doing her laundry, putting away her clothes? Dude, come on?


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Also, why are you doing her laundry, putting away her clothes? Dude, come on?


This was when I was in my pitiful, pleading stage. I'm not proud of it, but at least I'm being completely open and honest about it.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

BRL said:


> This was when I was in my pitiful, pleading stage. I'm not proud of it, but at least I'm being completely open and honest about it.


i am curious are you leaving her or are you looking for a way to keep her?


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> i am curious are you leaving her or are you looking for a way to keep her?


 I would love nothing more than for us to reconcile. Unfortunately, I believe she’s too far gone. Time to begin moving forward, unfortunately.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

BRL said:


> I would love nothing more than for us to reconcile. Unfortunately, I believe she’s too far gone. Time to begin moving forward, unfortunately.


i agree with that and honestly , the longer you wait. the harder it will be. time to go now


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know where you live but if in in the United States, as long as neither spouse has some big problem like addiction, it is the norm these days to get 50/50 custody of the kids so that you both have equal responsibility and equal time with them and take care of them fully on the days you have them. So you do not need to worry about any of that.


 Indiana.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BRL said:


> Indiana.


"
Is Indiana a 50 50 custody state?


While *joint or 50/50 joint custody is not the law in Indiana*, a skilled family law attorney can assist you through the litigation and make your best case for joint physical custody. Again, while this is not the law, there is a strong trend toward joint physical custody."


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Riiight. So she’s not actually actively looking for an apartment, or actively filing for divorce. She’s being lazy and forcing your hand, and using scare tactics. Im also very sorry to hear she’s done this before. Yes cheaters rarely move out actively 😉 She’s not even really separating is she. It’s just a fancy word she’s using for, ‘I want to have fun, but you’re going to handle the kids and properly and paperwork and chores and if you try to enforce boundaries, I’m going to scream divorce!! But I’m not going to lift a finger to arrange anything!’ It’s exhausting, isn’t it. You must be so tired. 

Last time she was in a hotel?? Which is fun isn’t it. She’s not even packing boxes and making concrete efforts to leave you. She sounds terrible. Sorry you’re in this predicament. Eventually, you won’t be pleading anymore. Good luck to her and the new guy. If it fizzles, don’t dare pay her bills. 

Has she realistically made proper arrangements for the kids? How’s she going to manage being a single mum with 3 small kids, and working, plus having a new boyfriend who is new dad to 3 kids… or has she not even thought this part out yet? Ugggh. Adult toddlers.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BRL said:


> There’s a big piece of information I haven't yet disclosed, quite frankly out of embarrassment. A very similar situation happened the last time she got a job 7 years prior. She began working, and soon exhibited the typical signs of cheating. Questioning her only caused her to act out in anger, eventually announce she wanted a divorce and eventually leave for a hotel. It was then I discovered she and her boss were texting back and forth upwards of 200 times per day (”It was. never about anything other than work!”) before admittedly having a one-off.
> 
> I don't know why I can't just walk away, but I can't...


So you gave her the gift of reconciliation after she cheated - and you will do it again?
Remember fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Get your ANGER together to motivate you to get a D. You see her in the image you WANT to see her instead of who she really is. Take off the rose colored glasses and see reality...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BRL said:


> A friend she’s been ****-talking me to at work tried guilt-tripping me over my wife returning that stuff after I questioned her about it, saying she bought those things to feel pretty, and that she didn't want to fight about it, thus returned them. I questioned her about it in the most calm, careful way possible. “You took that away from her.”
> 
> There isn't a man on this planet who wouldn't have questioned that given the timing and circumstances.


You need to get your finances separated ASAP so that she can't use commingled funds to pay for her **** with the OM.
To do this officially you need AT LEAST a separation agreement.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BRL said:


> Will do. It's horrifically difficult being in the same apartment for the time being, especially when she decides to get all dolled up and leave and I have to see that, but I plan on doing a 180 and focusing on me and my children for the time being. I don't want to give her the satisfaction anymore of seeing me hurt.
> 
> We will begin working opposite shifts soon (we both work a rotating 4x4.) Not crossing paths at work at random times only for her to look angry and find a way to turn away will be good. The worry of wondering what she’s doing while I’m working while she’s at home will likely be brutal for awhile though.


You could always put up some cameras at your house while you are away...


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Riiight. So she’s not actually actively looking for an apartment, or actively filing for divorce. She’s being lazy and forcing your hand, and using scare tactics. Im also very sorry to hear she’s done this before. Yes cheaters rarely move out actively 😉 She’s not even really separating is she. It’s just a fancy word she’s using for, ‘I want to have fun, but you’re going to handle the kids and properly and paperwork and chores and if you try to enforce boundaries, I’m going to scream divorce!! But I’m not going to lift a finger to arrange anything!’ It’s exhausting, isn’t it. You must be so tired.
> 
> Last time she was in a hotel?? Which is fun isn’t it. She’s not even packing boxes and making concrete efforts to leave you. She sounds terrible. Sorry you’re in this predicament. Eventually, you won’t be pleading anymore. Good luck to her and the new guy. If it fizzles, don’t dare pay her bills.
> 
> Has she realistically made proper arrangements for the kids? How’s she going to manage being a single mum with 3 small kids, and working, plus having a new boyfriend who is new dad to 3 kids… or has she not even thought this part out yet? Ugggh. Adult toddlers.


 She could have and could be making moves I’m unaware of, but all I’ve seen with my own eyes is that she’s put in a couple rental applications to some lower end apartments and has communicated with a leasing company who has horrid reviews and is notorious for taking deposits and ghosting you. Outside of that, she opened her own checking account in order to save for a car (she still has another vehicle which is broke down, but that she still owes $6,500 on) and just had her phone line transferred to a new account, likely to keep me from “snooping” on her. Oh, and she has 3 twin mattresses saved on a Walmart app, but not in the cart. 

She’s a “different person now” (becoming that over the past few weeks alone), wants a divorce, but said she would come to me when she’s ready to talk about it. It's childish ********.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BRL said:


> She could have and could be making moves I’m unaware of, but all I’ve seen with my own eyes is that she’s put in a couple rental applications to some lower end apartments and has communicated with a leasing company who has horrid reviews and is notorious for taking deposits and ghosting you. Outside of that, she opened her own checking account in order to save for a car (she still has another vehicle which is broke down, but that she still owes $6,500 on) and just had her phone line transferred to a new account, likely to keep me from “snooping” on her. Oh, and she has 3 twin mattresses saved on a Walmart app, but not in the cart.
> 
> She’s a “different person now” (becoming that over the past few weeks alone), wants a divorce, but said she would come to me when she’s ready to talk about it. It's childish ******.


We are here for you.

yes, she us a different person and that is how you should treat her. Your wife is dead (I think she never existed except in your mind) and will never return. She’s cheated on you likely a lot more than you know. But you know enough.

please see an attorney and gave her served.
When she’s going to come talk to you about it is when she has her attorney and a plan together to screw you over. Other men have been where you are. We didn’t want a divorce either! We had to. And I’m telling you…… the faster you get an attorney and get her to sign papers on a fair settlement, the better.
I can’t stress how important it is for you to file and do it fast. You just think she seems angry and cold and hurtful now. It will get exponentially worse


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> You could always put up some cameras at your house while you are away...


 I should. Outside of the kids and funds, asking me when I'm moving to the opposite shift (3 different times now) is the only time she's willingly spoken to me on her own. She wants me away awfully bad.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BRL said:


> I should. Outside of the kids and funds, asking me when I'm moving to the opposite shift (3 different times now) is the only time she's willingly spoken to me on her own. She wants me away awfully bad.


She wants you out of the way so her AP can be with her all day, every day


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You need to swiftly have her served.

Sorry you are in this situation.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BRL said:


> I should. Outside of the kids and funds, asking me when I'm moving to the opposite shift (3 different times now) is the only time she's willingly spoken to me on her own. She wants me away awfully bad.


No, she wants you to stop enforcing your boundaries, and want you to keep paying her bills and letting her have a meal and a roof over her head. 

Pay attention, she hasn’t actually bought any furniture or paid for the new place. Or even found a new place. 

You must, must stop chasing her. And stop asking her to ‘talk’ or even be available to talk. 

Oh she’ll be ready to talk you into continuing the marriage right when you actually go quiet and make steps to move on. Don’t you see the power play? She doesn’t want you away in the true sense of the word. She would have actually purchased the mattresses not just left them in the cart. She’s really just buying time - your time.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

This is unbelievable. OP, you have an opportunity to act decisively, right now. See a divorce lawyer, file, and have her served. Don't tell her it's coming, just do it. Work the 180 in the meantime. You will shock the **** out of her, and show her that you aren't the doormat that she thinks you are.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and the kids. Stop doing her laundry, favors for her, etc. Work the 180 hard. You and your kids will be much better off when this is over. She will not change. Take control and get your self respect back by filing for D as soon as you can.

DO NOT "wait until after the holidays." DO NOT tell yourself you'll just work the 180 for now... Call a few local lawyers tomorrow, set up appointments, pick one and move full speed ahead on the D. You can do this. You must do it for yourself and your kids. Get it done.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> No, she wants you to stop enforcing your boundaries, and want you to keep paying her bills and letting her have a meal and a roof over her head.
> 
> Pay attention, she hasn’t actually bought any furniture or paid for the new place. Or even found a new place.
> 
> ...


I plan to do just that. I didn't pay her any attention before I left for work this morning, and despite me telling her more than once that I was coming to this shift on the 12th, she sent me a pissy text asking if I was at work and shouldn't she “know that” (She doesn't tell me where she’s going anymore before leaving). I gave a quick, straight forward answer and left it at that.

I know it will be a rough roller coaster ride going forward, to say the least, but I felt a bit better than usual today.


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## Gladshesgone (1 mo ago)

When my ex wife was in the thick of the affair that I had discovered (didn’t know about the other(s) yet), someone put me in contact with a Christian man who had went through it and was giving advice.

This guy’s wife had FOUR AFFAIRS in 11 years. He forgave her THREE TIMES before the fourth one broke him. He talked about how he’s on good terms with his ex now and shakes the hand of the last AP in front of the kids and all that. I was like WTF? No way am I going to be this guy.

No way do you get that many chances at forgiveness. But OP, this is what she’s done to you. The marriage is over when she doesn’t respect you (which happens to all guys who get cheated on). You can’t salvage that nor should you tolerate that. I beg of you to get your pride back. Get individual counseling. Get rid of this heartless parasite who has no shame.

I used to get the “when are you getting off work?” texts during the separation so she could go meet up with her AP. I dealt with her **** for about two months before I filed for divorce and never looked back.

Guess what? Her relationship fell apart with her AP. She’d periodically try to come back to me for the next two years. I declined every time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, eventually you’re going to find out about the OM. Don’t wait on that. File now. 
Don’t let her rule the roost and ask you squat, either. Pretend she’s dead to you.

let her talk with your attorney . She is for the streets. Treat her appropriately


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

BRL said:


> I know it will be a rough roller coaster ride going forward, to say the least, but I felt a bit better than usual today.


It doesn't need to be a roller coaster. If she wants a divorce, and you want a divorce, just split your stuff 50/50 and move on. 

If she's truly looking to be done, she might give up some of what she'd typically fight for right now. Take it and run, if you can. You don't need to be nasty to her just because she's being nasty to you. It won't really make you feel better. Just be courteous and polite as you can. She wants and needs you to be the villain right now to justify her own actions. Don't give it to her. Using the schedule as an example, even if you told her a dozen times, something as simple as "sorry, thought I told you last week. Yeah, I'm on whatever until X date. I'll put it on a post it note on the fridge going forward so we're on the same page.

Outside of that, just document the **** out of everything. Days with the kids. Every dollar spent. EVERYTHING. Let her hang herself without you doing a thing. It'll benefit you in the long term. Everything is about the long game for you, now.

Don't let her hostility create your hostility. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. Go for indifference.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BRL said:


> I plan to do just that. I didn't pay her any attention before I left for work this morning, and despite me telling her more than once that I was coming to this shift on the 12th, she sent me a pissy text asking if I was at work and shouldn't she “know that” (She doesn't tell me where she’s going anymore before leaving). I gave a quick, straight forward answer and left it at that.
> 
> I know it will be a rough roller coaster ride going forward, to say the least, but I felt a bit better than usual today.


You could always just reply to her annoying texts with "When are you moving out?"


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BRL said:


> She could have and could be making moves I’m unaware of, but all I’ve seen with my own eyes is that she’s put in a couple rental applications to some lower end apartments and has communicated with a leasing company who has horrid reviews and is notorious for taking deposits and ghosting you. Outside of that, she opened her own checking account in order to save for a car (she still has another vehicle which is broke down, but that she still owes $6,500 on) and just had her phone line transferred to a new account, likely to keep me from “snooping” on her. Oh, and she has 3 twin mattresses saved on a Walmart app, but not in the cart.
> 
> She’s a “different person now” (becoming that over the past few weeks alone), wants a divorce, but said she would come to me when she’s ready to talk about it. It's childish ******.


Every post you seem to understand she's totally happy to be leaving the M and ecstatic she's starting to make it happen. And doesn't love you. Or respect you.

Why in the world you're going along with this mess is a problem on your part. 

The great debacle is happening. The longer you don't deal with it the worse off you and home life become.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BRL said:


> I plan to do just that. I didn't pay her any attention before I left for work this morning, and despite me telling her more than once that I was coming to this shift on the 12th, she sent me a pissy text asking if I was at work and shouldn't she “know that” (She doesn't tell me where she’s going anymore before leaving). I gave a quick, straight forward answer and left it at that.
> 
> I know it will be a rough roller coaster ride going forward, to say the least, but I felt a bit better than usual today.


She didn't want to be disturbed by you while she is with her lover. That is why you received the pissy text. She wanted to verify where you would be. Lie and send a further text saying your shift has changed.

Do not answer any further texts or communicate with her save for childcare or divorce after you have served her. Even limited to these important topics it will still be largely a waste of your time communicating with her. 

She does not want a divorce. You are needed to pay the bills and serve as her punching bag while she lives her best life screwing around with another man.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> It doesn't need to be a roller coaster. If she wants a divorce, and you want a divorce, just split your stuff 50/50 and move on.
> 
> If she's truly looking to be done, she might give up some of what she'd typically fight for right now. Take it and run, if you can. You don't need to be nasty to her just because she's being nasty to you. It won't really make you feel better. Just be courteous and polite as you can. She wants and needs you to be the villain right now to justify her own actions. Don't give it to her. Using the schedule as an example, even if you told her a dozen times, something as simple as "sorry, thought I told you last week. Yeah, I'm on whatever until X date. I'll put it on a post it note on the fridge going forward so we're on the same page.
> 
> ...


 It’s still a bit early (6 weeks) and this is a person I’ve been with nearly 15 years and have had 3 kids with. It’s still difficult to have her treat me as if I’m the plague and get visibly agitated if I so much as come within her line of sight, yet act so unbothered and happy around others. Add to that the sudden obsessive need to better her appearance. I do get where you’re coming from though.

You’re right, I’m done with the fighting for her and also refuse to feed into her attempts to get me react to her. You’re dead on about her wanting me to be the villain. That’s her MO. Everyone is always the villain in her stories when things go sideways, with her always being the victim.

I’m going to put all of my focus into myself and my kids from here on, and she can go fake ‘n bake and bleach her teeth into oblivion.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

BRL said:


> It’s still a bit early (6 weeks) and this is a person I’ve been with nearly 15 years and have had 3 kids with. It’s still difficult to have her treat me as if I’m the plague and get visibly agitated if I so much as come within her line of sight, yet act so unbothered and happy around others. Add to that the sudden obsessive need to better her appearance. I do get where you’re coming from though.


It's early for you but not for her. She's already mourned the death of your marriage and is on to the next one. She's way ahead of you. Get your balls back and file for divorce. You can grieve along the way, but you need to take action to protect yourself and your kids. You can do this. Quick Google search shows Indiana is 60 days before you can finalize divorce. I'd file ASAP and mark the 61st day on your calendar for your court date. I'm in Texas and it's 60 days here as well. When I divorced years ago, I filed and I was in court on the 61st day and bam - divorce final! Talk about some serious healing.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> I’m going to put all of my focus into myself and my kids from here on, and she can go fake ‘n bake and bleach her teeth into oblivion.



This is all good and dandy. What I don't see is if you are taking steps for the legal aspect of the separation/divorce?

Have you already set up an appointment with a lawyer?, or have you already been to a lawyer for a consultation? Do you already know where would you legally stand when the divorce comes? have you already legally set up a separation agreement? if you haven't done any of this, why not? What is it that you are waiting for? you know the axe will fall whether you want it or not. Why not be ready when it does? You had gotten more than enough input for you to already at least make a phone call to a lawyer. Come on dude, don't play the passive/aggressive game. This is not time for games, it's time for action.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

She’s found someone so now it’s time for the 180. Also change your passcode on your phone.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

BURNT KEP said:


> She’s found someone so now it’s time for the 180. Also change your passcode on your phone.


I’ve started the 180 and have also changed my passcode. Foolishly when I was still in the pitiful stage, I allowed her to look through my phone 3 times. When I would ask if I could see hers, I got, “Nope!”. She must he hoping to find evidence that I’m doing whatever it is she’s doing.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Have your kids DNA tested to make sure they are yours.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is an awful person. She’s been cheating and treating you like dirt for years I suspect.
You need to discover why you’ve allowed her to think you’ll tolerate this disrespect


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife is an awful person. She’s been cheating and treating you like dirt for years I suspect.
> You need to discover why you’ve allowed her to think you’ll tolerate this disrespect


I’ve been hearing similar quite a lot over the past couple of weeks. It’s been eye opening.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Just got home from work and the apartment is a disaster. Literally all she does anymore is lay in bed and play on her phone, work out, whiten her teeth and go tanning.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BRL said:


> Just got home from work and the apartment is a disaster. Literally all she does anymore is lay in bed and play on her phone, work out, whiten her teeth and go tanning.


So why haven’t you filed for divorce yet?


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> So why haven’t you filed for divorce yet?


 That’s happening Thurs (due to work schedule).


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

BRL said:


> Just got home from work and the apartment is a disaster. Literally all she does anymore is lay in bed and play on her phone, work out, whiten her teeth and go tanning.


Clean it up, and document it. Literally, document everything.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> Clean it up, and document it. Literally, document everything.


 Done.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

One thing I don’t understand is, if she is “done” with me like she claims, wants her space, doesn’t want me speaking to her, etc., then why does she appear so agitated, upset, and even downright angry when we do have to come around one another, or God forbid, speak? I've been done in relationships before, and I was just that. Done.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> One thing I don’t understand is, if she is “done” with me like she claims, wants her space, doesn’t want me speaking to her, etc., then why does she appear so agitated, upset


You don't understand because you don't want to understand. Although you are reluctantly moving forward, you are living with the hope that suddenly she'll be yours again, and everything will be dandy. You don't want to understand that she's projecting all unto you because that's what cheaters do. They take at look at their husband/boyfriend, and know and realize that that they have either a doormat, a weakling, a man that has not ball, or just plainly a Simp in front of them, and then they lash out to the pathetic sucker. 
In your case, for example, if she knew that you were a strong, no none-sense man that can't be mess with, she would either make a weak attempt to gaslight, and know and understand that she will be shut up immediately, or knowing that you can't be mess around with she would not dare to make a move to lash at you. 

Women respect a man that is strong, that has self-respect and dignity. They respect a man that will not contemplate any form of boundaries being broken, least of all infidelity of any kind. Since it appears that as long as you could have her back, you are willing to look the other way and accept to be a reluctant cuckold (since she's cheatings on you), then that's why she lashes at you, because she has not respect whatsoever for you. She doesn't see you as a man any longer, to her you just are the pathetic dude that she has to deal with until she gets all her ducks in a row and dump you for real. That 's what you need to understand. Harsh, but the truth, and your reality, whether you want to accept it or not.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

BRL said:


> One thing I don’t understand is, if she is “done” with me like she claims, wants her space, doesn’t want me speaking to her, etc., then why does she appear so agitated, upset, and even downright angry when we do have to come around one another, or God forbid, speak? I've been done in relationships before, and I was just that. Done.


This has already been answered. If she's being horrible to you, it's so you'll be horrible back, and justify all her horrible-ness.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BRL said:


> There’s a big piece of information I haven't yet disclosed, quite frankly out of embarrassment. A very similar situation happened the last time she got a job 7 years prior. She began working, and soon exhibited the typical signs of cheating. Questioning her only caused her to act out in anger, eventually announce she wanted a divorce and eventually leave for a hotel. It was then I discovered she and her boss were texting back and forth upwards of 200 times per day (”It was. never about anything other than work!”) before admittedly having a one-off.
> 
> I don't know why I can't just walk away, but I can't...


Then what is it you want. You have a cheater for a wife and no stones to do a thing about it.

Does you company have a fraternization policy? If so, find who she is cheating with and have them both terminated.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BRL said:


> Just got home from work and the apartment is a disaster. Literally all she does anymore is lay in bed and play on her phone, work out, whiten her teeth and go tanning.


Get a lawyer and start the process. Keep this stuff documented along with the fact that you are basically a single parent at this point.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

I ended up actually kind of blowing up on her last night. She came downstairs with an attitude and kicked a stool out of her way so that she could get a pan out of a cabinet in the kitchen. At the end I told her I’m tired of being treated like **** and that this going to come to an end, fast.

“You gonna just give up? You gonna just quit?” I honestly couldn't tell by her tone whether she doesn't want that or I hoping I do, but I’m done with the games.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please tell your wife that yes, you’re giving up on a wide that has cheated, is cheating, and you gave no f’s left to give.
And please, file today. It hurts. File anyway. 
it’ll hurt more. Push the divorce through as fast as possible. We’ve been there. Don’t dilly dally when walking through poo.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

It'll get worse before it gets better - if this sort of manipulation has worked on you in the past. You're going to force her to find something new in her toolbox of manipulation. She probably hasn't had to go back there for a LONG time.

Just don't engage, and do your best to be polite. It's better for your own mental health.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> At the end I told her I’m tired of being treated like **** and that this going to come to an end, fast.


This are your own words, Re-read them, what do they tell you? Can't you see that that's just your half-hearted, ineffectual threat to her. This is just more background noise coming from you to lash out at. Your words have no teeth, no punch, no sense of finality.


Here, I fixed it for you.
At the end I told her I’m tired of being  ENOUGH, from this moment on you will not disrespect me any more, and try to  treat me like **** and that this going to comes to an end right now. I don't want to hear another word of your cheating mouth. Do not engage me again. We are over, go **** yourself, or whoever you want, just don't bring something to this house which can be pick up by me or the kids by touching where you touched. Communication will be strictly to the divorce and child care, preferably by text messages. Direct contact with me just in the case of an emergency relating to the children.

But, I guess, by now, she thinks so little of you, that probably, even if you were to speak with a command of finality in your words, she still would not take your words seriously. Why should she, when she knows better than to take you seriously. Time to prove her that you certainly mean what say, and you say what you mean.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree, your words need action. Actually you need action and no words. Actions speak much more clearly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s used to you being a doormat. She probably doesn’t know what happened. Bullies and cheaters don’t like it when things change.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> She’s used to you being a doormat. She probably doesn’t know what happened. Bullies and cheaters don’t like it when things change.


Well, she wants her last words to give him another shot of hope so she can slowly crush him again. She doesn't think he's actually going to take action...

OP, it's time to file. Get it done. You will feel a huge weight lift off of you when you get that done.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

BRL said:


> “You gonna just give up? You gonna just quit?” I honestly couldn't tell by her tone whether she doesn't want that or I hoping I do, but I’m done with the games.


I hope you said yes, of course, you're quitting because she is not worth fighting for.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Canadiana said:


> I hope you said yes, of course, you're quitting because she is not worth fighting for.


Nah, if there's a need to answer, the answer is "you already made that choice for us."

It'll never be about what he did.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BRL said:


> Just got home from work and the apartment is a disaster. Literally all she does anymore is lay in bed and play on her phone, work out, whiten her teeth and go tanning.


Wow..

Teeth whitening, leaving no tea, or tobacco stains, and tanning her body, leaving no tan lines.

She endeavors to look good, but, makes no effort to be good.

She sure has her priorities straight.

If she were single, I would pity the man that takes her in.

She isn't single, so, not a solitary pith of pity can be given.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Wow..
> 
> Teeth whitening, leaving no tea, or tobacco stains, and tanning her body, leaving no tan lines.
> 
> ...


It's been all about her since this has been going on. She hasn't even cared for the kids.

“She isn't single.” It sure looks as if she wants to appear that way. She hasn't worn her ring since day #2 and has completely erased every trace of me from her Facebook page. Her relationship status with me is still up, but the privacy setting is ‘Only me’.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BRL said:


> It's been all about her since this has been going on. She hasn't even cared for the kids.
> 
> “She isn't single.” It sure looks as if she wants to appear that way. She hasn't worn her ring since day #2 and has completely erased every trace of me from her Facebook page. Her relationship status with me is still up, but the privacy setting is ‘Only me’.


I see this as her, _biding her time_.

She may have some hard plan in mind, but, the cement has yet to set.

Just looking at what you stated, there may be no set-plan; she is flying by the seat of her pants.

She is that bird looking out the window, waiting, waiting for someone, something to set her free.

I often think, that women who are tanning freaks, both, love the heat of the sun on their near-naked bodies and love the looks that men give them.
While tanning in the sun, with all their goodies, fully, out on display.

Those, who use tanning booths (chambers) are more into the looks they get from their lovers.
That tan, they feel, makes them exotic, read erotic!

A good tan hides some unsightly skin conditions.

The heat they get from the booth?
Heat, is what they crave.

Just, my take.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Keep us posted.

I see this ending, _breaking bad_.

.................................................................................

Does someone have her ear?
Filling it with sugar plums, sweet wieners and wine?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BRL said:


> One thing I don’t understand is, if she is “done” with me like she claims, wants her space, doesn’t want me speaking to her, etc., then why does she appear so agitated, upset, and even downright angry when we do have to come around one another, or God forbid, speak? I've been done in relationships before, and I was just that. Done.


Because she wants what she wants, regardless of what you want.

Do yourself a favor. Stop trying to apply your mindset to her. Not only will you never be able to reconcile the two, but it's an utter waste of time.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I have an honest question for you, OP:

How do you feel about yourself in tolerating all of this nonsense? Aren't you angry at the reflection staring back at you in the mirror?



Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

She’s made some semi-conflicting comments over the past few days. She’s dead set on getting a place of her own simply to be on her own, but made an asinine comment the following morning that she has been mentioning divorce because I supposedly brought it up, so she said **** it and has gone with that. That's a monumental lie. She threw a fit because I questioned the separation and said we’ll go straight to divorce, and since then has said she’s changed. She backpedaled from being set on being done from this point forward and whether she still loves me or not by saying, “I don't know”. This could have more to do with the fact that I told her I’m not waiting around on her to make a move while she lives here and gets her ducks in a row, that I’ll file asap.

Another strange thing. She texted a buddy of mine at work a couple days ago to ask him how I’ve been doing, which he found rather odd.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BRL said:


> She’s made some semi-conflicting comments over the past few days. She’s dead set on getting a place of her own simply to be on her own, but made an asinine comment the following morning that she has been mentioning divorce because I supposedly brought it up, so she said **** it and has gone with that. That's a monumental lie. She threw a fit because I questioned the separation and said we’ll go straight to divorce, and since then has said she’s changed. She backpedaled from being set on being done from this point forward and whether she still loves me or not by saying, “I don't know”. This could have more to do with the fact that I told her I’m not waiting around on her to make a move while she lives here and gets her ducks in a row, that I’ll file asap.
> 
> Another strange thing. She texted a buddy of mine at work a couple days ago to ask him how I’ve been doing, which he found rather odd.


You clearly don't want to leave her. So don't. Continue on as is as she does whatever she wants to with whomever she wants to.

Clearly you are not yet sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

farsidejunky said:


> I have an honest question for you, OP:
> 
> How do you feel about yourself in tolerating all of this nonsense? Aren't you angry at the reflection staring back at you in the mirror?
> 
> ...


Honestly, I am...I’m also hurting. Any time I feel like I’m able to build up the strength to take a few steps forward, I end up crashing back down again, badly. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

Trust me, I’ve had a few close friends give me some rather tough love over this crap. “WHY are you letting her do this, and for this long? Grow some balls!”

I wish I could be done, but so far I’ve been failing miserably.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, you are letting her get away with murder. You said yourself, the only time she’s shown any inclination to stop this stupid **** is when she thought you might actually be serious about going for D…. Yet now you are back to being wishy-washy about it. All you are doing now is letting her shop around for another guy(s) to take for a test drive. Stop it.

If you truly want to save your marriage your best bet is to go nuclear and ramp up the pressure 1000%. How do you do that? By seeing a lawyer and dropping divorce papers on her out of the blue. In the meantime, you work the hard 180. And honestly, if that doesn’t work (and I bet it will) then you are on the road to getting the D done and moving on to a better life. 

Your friends are right. Everyone here on TAM are right. Stop being a doormat. You are just hurting yourself, and your behavior is further damaging her opinion of you as a man. Stop it. Find your sense of self-worth and self-respect and move forward like a man. You can do this.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

BRL said:


> Honestly, I am...I’m also hurting. Any time I feel like I’m able to build up the strength to take a few steps forward, I end up crashing back down again, badly. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
> 
> Trust me, I’ve had a few close friends give me some rather tough love over this crap. “WHY are you letting her do this, and for this long? Grow some balls!”
> 
> I wish I could be done, but so far I’ve been failing miserably.


honestly this isnt about having balls or not. you love her and you want to be with her. the issue is you are inlove with the version of her that is no longer there but when you see her your mind remembers what you and her use to have . she has moved on . she has changed. her heart belongs to someone else now. she just doesn't want you to divorce most likely because it may not work out with OM and she will have you to come back too. 
of course you should never be an option , you should always be the priority. one day an who knows when it will come you will look at her an realize she has changed. this is not the woman you fell in love with and you will move on amicably. don't beat yourself up for it . its not your fault , i repeat its not your fault . just stay strong, keep pushing forward and do what needs to be done when your ready partner


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Acceptance of the truth is by far the hardest part of this. Good post above. 
op you are trying to feel like you have a choice. You really don’t. You’re gonna divorce. The only question is when and how bad you’ll be screwed


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Acceptance of the truth is by far the hardest part of this. Good post above.
> op you are trying to feel like you have a choice. You really don’t. You’re gonna divorce. The only question is when and how bad you’ll be screwed


 Damn, reading this hit hard.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many times the person you fall in love with is really who they sell you that they are. It’s not so much that they change (although they might) as that they likely never were who you thought they were. Let go of that dream. Listen to your friends — they have your best interest at heart. And be more careful moving forward.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BRL said:


> Another strange thing. She texted a buddy of mine at work a couple days ago to ask him how I’ve been doing, which he found rather odd.


Possibilities:

a) Easy answer!
She does not trust you.

b) She is pumping your buddy for answers.
Obviously.

She senses you are doing things behind her back. 
Maybe you are gossiping about your personal relationship to others.
She is hearing disturbing things and thinks it is you behind it.
*She wants to know if (he or you) know about her secret affair going on at work.*
Maybe, she thinks that you, OP, are having an EA with a someone at work.

c) This friend, he probably is trustworthy and very expressive and open.
She likes him.

d) A long shot might be.... She likes this buddy enough to start up a more serious friendship.
To play the sympathy card, hoping he will be a future shoulder she can lean on.

............................................................................................................

Only guilty or crazy people act paranoid and defensive.
I suspect she is quilty of something and is trying to head off any rumors.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BRL said:


> Honestly, I am...I’m also hurting. Any time I feel like I’m able to build up the strength to take a few steps forward, I end up crashing back down again, badly. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
> 
> Trust me, I’ve had a few close friends give me some rather tough love over this crap. “WHY are you letting her do this, and for this long? Grow some balls!”
> 
> I wish I could be done, but so far I’ve been failing miserably.


The good are, first alarmed, then disarmed by the bad.

Those who are controlling by nature, pick carefully their close companions. 

..................................................................................
If she is not cheating then.....

If this is some new behavior, could she be suffering from some sort of mental breakdown?
Maybe, prescription medicine or drug induced?

................................................................................

She must be in control or she unravels, as would a roll of glistening, and sharp, razor wire.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Possibilities:
> 
> a) Easy answer!
> She does not trust you.
> ...


She’s already accused me of dragging her name through the mud at work, which isn't true (she refuses to even tell me what it is she supposedly heard, and from who), and something she’s been caught doing herself. She’s projecting. She knows I speak to the one friend and is ok with that. He believes she meant to text someone else instead, and that asking how I’m doing is quite bizarre considering she claims she doesn't care about me and never even “thinks about” me.

At this point, his overall opinion of her is that “she's ****ing weird.”

Also, I think you're spot on about the control thing.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> The good are, first alarmed, then disarmed by the bad.
> 
> Those who are controlling by nature, pick carefully their close companions.
> 
> ...





SunCMars said:


> The good are, first alarmed, then disarmed by the bad.
> 
> Those who are controlling by nature, pick carefully their close companions.
> 
> ...


 Mental issues do run in her family. Personally, I’ve always believed she may be bipolar. 

Another weird thing/coincidence, this happened the exact same time of year last time as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BRL said:


> Mental issues do run in her family. Personally, I’ve always believed she may be bipolar.
> 
> Another weird thing/coincidence, this happened the exact same time of year last time as well.


You saw talking to an Astrologer.
That tidbit is music to me ears.

Uh, my antenna's!


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BRL said:


> She’s made some semi-conflicting comments over the past few days. She’s dead set on getting a place of her own simply to be on her own, but made an asinine comment the following morning that she has been mentioning divorce because I supposedly brought it up, so she said **** it and has gone with that. That's a monumental lie. She threw a fit because I questioned the separation and said we’ll go straight to divorce, and since then has said she’s changed. She backpedaled from being set on being done from this point forward and whether she still loves me or not by saying, “I don't know”. This could have more to do with the fact that I told her I’m not waiting around on her to make a move while she lives here and gets her ducks in a row, that I’ll file asap.
> 
> Another strange thing. She texted a buddy of mine at work a couple days ago to ask him how I’ve been doing, which he found rather odd.


Nothing strange about her reaching out to your buddy. To attempt to manipulate you she needs information. If you are not cooperating/talking to her she must find that information elsewhere.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BRL said:


> Honestly, I am...I’m also hurting. Any time I feel like I’m able to build up the strength to take a few steps forward, I end up crashing back down again, badly. This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.
> 
> Trust me, I’ve had a few close friends give me some rather tough love over this crap. “WHY are you letting her do this, and for this long? Grow some balls!”
> 
> I wish I could be done, but so far I’ve been failing miserably.


Read the 180. Then live it!

Write out She is a Cheater and put it on the bathroom mirror so you see it every time you look.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Do you know or have any proof that she's cheating ?
Maybe I missed it ?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jimi007 said:


> Do you know or have any proof that she's cheating ?
> Maybe I missed it ?


Not 100% clear this time around, but she is exhibiting the same behavior as a previous cheating incident. It is clear she is done with the marriage. I think the first affair was really an attempt at an exit affair, but plans changed with the POSOM dumped her. 



BRL said:


> There’s a big piece of information I haven't yet disclosed, quite frankly out of embarrassment. A very similar situation happened the last time she got a job 7 years prior. She began working, and soon exhibited the typical signs of cheating. Questioning her only caused her to act out in anger, eventually announce she wanted a divorce and eventually leave for a hotel. It was then I discovered she and her boss were texting back and forth upwards of 200 times per day (”It was. never about anything other than work!”) *before admittedly having a one-off.*





BRL said:


> Yes. Came home one night, dropped the bomb on me, kept with that story for the better part of 3 years before it eventually morphed into another completely. Now, she didn't “do anything wrong.”





BRL said:


> She comes home, goes straight to the shower, and then straight into bed with her phone. The kids homework doesn't even get done. I have to scramble to do it in the morning with them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not 100% clear this time around, but she is exhibiting the same behavior as a previous cheating incident. It is clear she is done with the marriage. I think the first affair was really an attempt at an exit affair, but plans changed with the POSOM dumped her.


Correct. But we don't have to be there, nor see it with our own eyes to know that is happening again. Problem is, let's suppose that even if by a remote chance possibility, she is not cheating, the issue is that @BRL is a representative of what's wrong with many of today's men when it comes to women and relationships.

He might think that I keep bashing on him, but we all know that what I'm trying to do is to wake him up, to see and accept REALITY, to accept THE TRUTH, to become strong; not because I'm relishing on the fact that he comes across as a dude have not balls, no pride, no self respect, and consequently, he can't react to to either enforce his boundaries (if any), because he doesn't seen to have them, and keeps allowing the disrespect, the gaslighting, the humiliations, in order to keep her at all cost.

He needs to understand that yes, it hurts, is painful, devastating, that it cuts to your soul to know that you love somebody, but your love is scorned. But as a man and as an individual, you pick up yourself, and show to your cheating, disrespectful soon to be ex-wife, that you have your dignity and your pride and that you can't be taken as a spineless doormat. Some sort of weeping Magdalena, letting emotions to rule and take over yourself. In general people that let their emotions rule, are setting themselves for failure for anything in life. 

Also, importantly, he has kids, what is he showing them as a role model? do we think that's something we want our kids to emulate?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BRL said:


> Mental issues do run in her family. Personally, I’ve always believed she may be bipolar.
> 
> Another weird thing/coincidence, this happened the exact same time of year last time as well.


Have you filed for divorce or are you just dragging this thing out?


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Have you filed for divorce or are you just dragging this thing out?


 Right as I was going to, she found a way to pull me back in. Her behavior toward me flipped completely, she initiated sex, etc. It looked like things were very much trending up until yesterday. “You’re acting like things are back to normal. Nothing has changed, things are still the same as they were at the start of this.”

Call me weak, pitiful, whatever. I guess I deserve it at this point.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

BRL said:


> Right as I was going to, she found a way to pull me back in. Her behavior toward me flipped completely, she initiated sex, etc. It looked like things were very much trending up until yesterday. “You’re acting like things are back to normal. Nothing has changed, things are still the same as they were at the start of this.”
> 
> Call me weak, pitiful, whatever. I guess I deserve it at this point.


So, she ***** bombed you and you fell for it. VERY typical thing to reel the SO back in. It's a way to manipulate you.
It's ok -- no harm that you had sex, but YOU need to realize what is driving it and that it is a manipulation technique.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> So, she *** bombed you and you fell for it. VERY typical thing to reel the SO back in. It's a way to manipulate you.
> It's ok -- no harm that you had sex, but YOU need to realize what is driving it and that it is a manipulation technique.


And then she said nothing has changed... He needs to get moving on the D, she just wants to be in control. OP, she gets off on breaking you down, then building you up a bit so she break you down again. Lawyer up. File for D. Quit sleeping with her. Work the hard 180. Regain your self esteem.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Bro, brooo bruuuuhhhhhh


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Just keep doing what you are doing.
She will end it for you when she is ready


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The train is on the tracks headed your way OP.
It would be best to see an attorney and be prepared.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> The train is on the tracks headed your way OP.
> It would be best to see an attorney and be prepared.



Please... unfortunately, we all know that this type of men don't do a thing. Sometimes not even after they get dumped. They just stay there in their fears induced paralysis still wondering what to do, even though they already have been left by the sidewalk.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30. This is odd considering she really hasn't called or texted me since this started unless the topic(s) revolve around the kids and/or money. We end up being on the phone for an hour. A lot of awkward silence, being moody on her part mixed in with an occasional odd joke, etc. At one point she tells me, “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

BRL said:


> Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30. This is odd considering she really hasn't called or texted me since this started unless the topic(s) revolve around the kids and/or money. We end up being on the phone for an hour. A lot of awkward silence, being moody on her part mixed in with an occasional odd joke, etc. At one point she tells me, “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.


OP, you need to refuse calls like this one. Do hte 180. Stop being available to her whenever she wants to make herself feel better. Please take some time to read through this thread from then beginning, and pay special attention to what others are saying. Sure, some comments are off base, but many are not, and they are based on the wisdom of members who have gone through what you are dealing with now. 

Find your self respect and stop letting her control you and serve you the proverbial S sandwich. You can have a better life once you are done with her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Enjoy being her emotional security blanket and be sure to be supportive while she craps on you. Actions. What are her actions?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

And what did you tell her?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BRL said:


> Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30. This is odd considering she really hasn't called or texted me since this started unless the topic(s) revolve around the kids and/or money. We end up being on the phone for an hour. A lot of awkward silence, being moody on her part mixed in with an occasional odd joke, etc. At one point she tells me, “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.


Her motivation for calling you is irrelevant. She is the only one that benefits.

You expected to hear the worst. You will *never* get the truth from a person like your wife directly.

When she needs comfort she will seek you out. When she needs excitement she will seek out another man and treat you like garbage. She will continue to use you and abuse you for as long as you allow it.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30. This is odd considering she really hasn't called or texted me since this started unless the topic(s) revolve around the kids and/or money. We end up being on the phone for an hour. A lot of awkward silence, being moody on her part mixed in with an occasional odd joke, etc. At one point she tells me, “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.


Keepin-my-head-up said:


> And what did you tell her?


 I asked if there was anything I could do for her. I still care, so it naturally just...came out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

BRL said:


> Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30. This is odd considering she really hasn't called or texted me since this started unless the topic(s) revolve around the kids and/or money. We end up being on the phone for an hour. A lot of awkward silence, being moody on her part mixed in with an occasional odd joke, etc. At one point she tells me, “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.
> 
> 
> I asked if there was anything I could do for her. I still care, so it naturally just...came out.


So you realize you just gave her the ego kibble she craved, let her know immediately that you’re still on her hook, and it will likely be quite a while before she needs another ego boost and call you again. You’re trying to help a woman that has utterly betrayed you.
Don’t.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BRL said:


> Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30. This is odd considering she really hasn't called or texted me since this started unless the topic(s) revolve around the kids and/or money. We end up being on the phone for an hour. A lot of awkward silence, being moody on her part mixed in with an occasional odd joke, etc. At one point she tells me, “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.
> 
> 
> I asked if there was anything I could do for her. I still care, so it naturally just...came out.


She hasn't had the need to call you or text you. She has been busy with her playmate and she is confident you are not going anywhere. So far you are doing an excellent job of proving her right.

You still care for her. The woman you care for has never existed. She is a construct, a persona crafted to lure you into a commitment when you first met. You are a possession, an appliance to be used, set aside and changed out. She will never appreciate anything you do. She has never cared for you as a person. She had only cared about what you could provide to her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BRL said:


> Update: She called me out of the blue while I’m at work, around 7:30.
> “I’m just going to be completely honest with you.” I expect to hear the worst, but she goes on to claim she’s been “very depressed”.


Depressed.
I believe that.

That is the painted (dark blue) side of the barn, the other side, she is hiding.

All all those unfinished boards on the back side, loose and flapping in the wind.
They tell the sordid story.
If you were to peek in you would see her with some lover of sorts.

She is desperate for an exit affair.
Sadly, the barn doors are off their hinges, she cannot easily break out.

She wants to escape her life, maybe find new romance.
She has found it, but she cannot get a good grip on it.

It's hard to do, when you cannot get a strong grip on your own life.
She is flailing about, her anxiety has her in disarray.

At work, she is showing all sorts of paranoid behavior.
People are talking about her, she thinks.
She has been up to no good, and she believes the others, now know.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

I’ve had days where I’ve handled things relatively well, but I’ve hit rock bottom over the past few. I've never felt so horrible.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

BRL said:


> I’ve had days where I’ve handled things relatively well, but I’ve hit rock bottom over the past few. I've never felt so horrible.


I know the feeling.
Try and be a little stronger each day.
Do what it takes to spend one less moment doing mental gymnastics.

There’s gonna be good days and bad ones.
At this point it probably feels like good minutes and bad ones.

Only cure for it is to go thru it and then heal.
What you can do to make sure you heal is to stop allowing someone else to wound you again


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BRL said:


> I’ve had days where I’ve handled things relatively well, but I’ve hit rock bottom over the past few. I've never felt so horrible.


yeah it’s no fun being someone’s emotional tampon when you get nothing in return.

But don’t worry, this won’t last forever. she will yank you out of her life by by your string and toss you in the trash and walk away at any time.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

BRL said:


> I’ve had days where I’ve handled things relatively well, but I’ve hit rock bottom over the past few. I've never felt so horrible.


you have had bits of advice here from everyone - what is your next step?
1- you can't fix her and it is not you
2- she will continue having affairs now and future and it is always going to be your fault. are you waiting for her to get pregnant or get an STD? or are you waiting until you get old and your market is much much lower 
3- being free from her means you can focus on your kids and have fun with them as a family without her toxic self being around. 
4- let her fall Rock bottom and you sling yourself to the top once you are clear from her


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

After doing a bit of investigating, keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut, I don't believe she has been involved with anyone else during this. She hasn't mentioned anything about moving out for awhile now, and claimed the “end goal” is for things to work out and us remain together, but she remains cold and distant more often than not.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BRL said:


> After doing a bit of investigating, keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut, I don't believe she has been involved with anyone else during this. She hasn't mentioned anything about moving out for awhile now, and claimed the “end goal” is for things to work out and us remain together, but she remains cold and distant more often than not.


C'mon dude, why you even bother? you know you will do nothing but to live with your breath on hold waiting for her to finally chose you. Who knows what her actual real plans are concerning you, but most likely she's putting her ducks in a row until she's ready and sure to dump you.

Actually, you look like the truck stuck on the tracks, the train barreling on you, and you paralyzed in terror unable to open the door and jump out of the way.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

BRL said:


> After doing a bit of investigating, keeping my eyes open and my mouth shut, I don't believe she has been involved with anyone else during this. She hasn't mentioned anything about moving out for awhile now, and claimed the “end goal” is for things to work out and us remain together, but she remains cold and distant more often than not.


What you believe is separate from the reality of your situation. You remain in the dark.

She is stalling. If you are content to let her offer you false hope and waste your time that is certainly your choice. Nothing will change for the better. You remain an option, not a priority to her.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

You are an ATM to her nothing more.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Went to my first therapy session yesterday. Not much to report though considering it was an introductory thing, but I feel confident that it will be a help going forward.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

BRL said:


> Went to my first therapy session yesterday. Not much to report though considering it was an introductory thing, but I feel confident that it will be a help going forward.


When is your wife seeing a counselor? Reading back through your posts she sounds like a bipolar basket case.


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> When is your wife seeing a counselor? Reading back through your posts she sounds like a bipolar basket case.


I’ve been keeping my distance from her. I would say absolutely not though.


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