# Husband walks out



## foreveralwayseternal (Sep 7, 2010)

Hey
Well last night my husband gets home from working away for 2 days to grab a shower and change of clothes and head back out. He visits with my son and myself for a hour before I go drop my son off to his grandparents for the night. I get home and he's in the room. So I go out to the living room and relax for a bit before I have to go to bed. He calls out to me and I go to the room. He's lying there after the shower and he's like ' what you can't spend anytime with me' I told him ya I can. But he just lies there. expecting SEX. (me: worked all day, supper, cleaning, child. just started monthly) With in a couple minutes of me just resting on the bed looking at him. He gets up mad, throws some clothes in his travel bag and leaves. Not saying good bye loves ya nothing. Then I text him. No response. Today I have tryed calling a couple times again No response. Is this really a great way to do what? Like seriously?
We have not really been doing anything lately and Yes Sex is not very often because of me I have lost my libido. I very rarely want sex or even enjoy it anymore. But when I do feel ready to have sex he's not wanting to unless its on time. (i've told him this aswell) But other things see to be lacking with us also. All he does is sit on the couch and watch the news or sports. Never really ingaging in life with me or our son. If I ask him to do something with us like go for a walk its No. But on the weekend if he wants to go do yard work he will throw a fit and get angry if I don't jump up and go help him. I feel like we have drifted apart. Only thing he confronts me or talks to me about is Sex. I realize that that important in a mans world. But I need more. I feel very unhappy with myself lately and he is very unsupporting. saying others can't make you happy. (but i say they can help)Anything I mention about furthering my education or doing something else is always ' no or thats stupid or ya are you really gonna do anything with that or is it just gonna sit there?' I feel i'm not sure what I feel. or how to feel. I've been shutting off alot more lately. so I'm not sure. How are things spose to improve when ever I mention perhaps we should do counsilling or work on us he doesn't want to. As long as I put out he thinks things are A ok. or thats the way he comes off to me. 
I'm sure every marriage goes through things, financial, emotional. but it seems like he hates or dislikes all my things family, or anything besides sex that i bring to the table. and I try and support him but i'm getting so tired of being called selfish for one reason or another. What am i spose to be like? What am I spose to do put out just to keep him content? The very idea of sex most days turns my stomach. its just to get him off and very rarely myself. just being honest. ?????? what to do?????


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"The very idea of sex most days turns my stomach. "

Well, no wonder he left.

Obviously, there are some other problems in the marriage, but this one is becoming dangerously overheated. I'd recommend some marriage counseling, and I'd also ask you to think long and hard about whether you really want to be married.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

You explained very well why you aren't ever in the mood. But have you explained that to him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It's probably hard to see it this way, but if he is only approaching you about sex, it's a sign that he's largely given up on all his other needs and is hoping you can help meet his biggest one. 

The thought of you meeting his only need turns your stomach and you don't want to even address it.

How receptive is he going to be to your needs?

If you want to go it alone and not have to worry about it, leave. But how much change can you expect out of him when from his perspective, you won't even budge?


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

I realize with women sex is emotional, but also too often Im reading where women basically are witholding sex from their husbands cuz their husbands arent "behaving like husbands, fathers, etc"

If ya want your spouse to cheat and justify himself doing so, using sex as a weapon shouldnt be in the arsenol..its part of what keeps couples spiritually connected. BOTH sides are OBLIGATED to have sex within reasonable times

Not acting like a husband? Then do something else but keep the legs open ladies

Try:

Witholding his meals...tell him to fend for himself
Not doing his laundry...

Sure hes gonna be miffed...but as far as I am concerned, grin and bear it when sex is asked for and use other resources.

And if its truly a libido thing, then see a doctor cuz your husband shouldnt have to pay this price...I really hate when I read women using sex as carrot/stick reward...ever wanna move me to cheat just try that nonsense.

Libido? Then expalin it to him and for me, I would be like, honey make the appointment, let me know and I will take the day off work to be with you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

foreveralwayseternal, The two of you are playing the circle game, here's how it works;

You feel he doesn't care about your needs and is not affectionate like a husband should be. So you don't feel loved. Why would you be intimate with someone like that. Someone that only wants sex. Sex with him would be disgusting. You decide to not to have sex with him. 

He wants to be intimate with you and express his love. Your disgusted with his lack of affection and turn him off/down. He feels rejected and concludes you must not love him. Why would he show any affection or regard toward someone who rejects his love. He decides to not show you any affection. 

And we go round and round. Follow? 
One of you has to break the circle. Since your here looking for a solution why don't you give it a try. Good luck


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with all the previous posters


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

No woman is obligated to have sex, period. His behavior is childish, why should you suffer through unwanted sex to please someone who treats you like that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Tikii said:


> No woman is obligated to have sex, period. His behavior is childish, why should you suffer through unwanted sex to please someone who treats you like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course no woman is obligated to have sex. But if you consent to enter into a marriage, you darn well better be willing to have sex or to take the consequences, which frequently include a) less than optimal treatment and b) divorce.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

Tikii said:


> No woman is obligated to have sex, period. His behavior is childish, why should you suffer through unwanted sex to please someone who treats you like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. Then no man should feel obligated to show any emotion or affection period. RIGHT? maybe he shouldnt feel obligated to support a SAHM period. Right? There should be give and take, compromise and communication in every good relationship. But that is just my humble opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

What's wrong with replying to the "What , Can't spend any time with me?"

With crawling into bed with him, rest your head on his shoulder/chest.. & replying with "I'd love to spend time with you since you've been working for two days". "I've been working pretty hard too & I'd love to relax with you.. Just a warning, I started my monthly today, so full sex is out for now. Do you want to go dancing together? or just cuddle here in bed & watch a good movie?"

Why didn't you tell him it was his time of the month? My guess, you were ticked at him for "expecting sex". but you did not communicate that to him. You are tired of the lack of foreplay. I imagine that him lying back in bed & saying hey, do you have time for me? was his way of initiating sex. You got into bed & let him start putting the moves on. He expected you to just jump on him without putting any physical effort into even scratching your back or kissing a cheek... touching your hair or chin, or whatever... and because he knew that "You knew" he expected sex... he felt like he did not have to do any effort to initiate it. When you just lied there looking at him... He blew up because this was not what he was expecting & it frustrated him. Does he usually initiate sex with any kind of touch? Or does he just let you know he expects it, and then "lies back" and expects you to do everything?? 

That's what happens in my world sometimes & it ticks me off.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Tikii said:


> No woman is obligated to have sex, period. His behavior is childish, why should you suffer through unwanted sex to please someone who treats you like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you really married Tikii?? My guess is some kind of abuse, or mistreatment to you from an ex boyfriend. 
You do realize that most marriages survive or fail on a normal healthy sexual relationship, right?:scratchhead:


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I am happily married, and have never been abused. I find sex only to keep your partner sad. Sex and a healthy sexual relationship are absolutely a necessity in most marriages, however nothing in what the OP says suggested healthy sex. How is a man pleasing himself, not worrying about pleasing his wife and storming out when he didn't get laid healthy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

I think it is sad to act like a woman is a piece of property and that she owes something to him. Personally if I were with someone like that, divorce would sound lovely. Saying someone is obligated is ridiculous. She isn't refusing sex completely, just at that point in time. What happened to bring understanding or talking things out. No, a man shouldn't be obligated to support a woman, that should be something that a couple agrees to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Tikii said:


> What happened to bring understanding or talking things out.


He has apparently tried to approach his wife for sex, tried to talk about sex with his wife, and she won't respond.

Given that she is completely refusing to acknowledge his needs and is putting in next to no effort on his behalf, what do you think would be a fair response on his part to this neglect?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Acorn said:


> He has apparently tried to approach his wife for sex, tried to talk about sex with his wife, and she won't respond.
> 
> Given that she is completely refusing to acknowledge his needs and is putting in next to no effort on his behalf, what do you think would be a fair response on his part to this neglect?


Does it sound as if he is completly meeting her needs? She is human and has needs, why is his need for sex more important than her needs. They are not and it appears that he is getting what he gives. Isn't that how relationships work? She could probably have walked out on him but she seems more mature. Her having sex with him will not solve their problems. It will give him a chance to ignore them. 

She said the he only talks about his sexual needs when he talks about problems. That usually does not work. He would get further if he talked about the relationship and what they both need to do to improve. When he leads with sex, and ignores other problems he is telling her she is only important to him for the orgasms he gets. 

She is not important enough to him to meet her needs. Why does she needs to do something he cannot manage to do? 

OP I don't know if you will decide to work on the relationship but if you do, please seek the help of a MC. You are both responsible for the break in communication and if one or both of you cannot take ownership of your part, then prepare for the separation and divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> She said the he only talks about his sexual needs when he talks about problems. That usually does not work. He would get further if he talked about the relationship and what they both need to do to improve. When he leads with sex, and ignores other problems he is telling her she is only important to him for the orgasms he gets.


This is perhaps very true, but he is not here, and this does not seem likely to happen on its own.

She would get further if she talked about the lack of sex, her role in it, and what she would need from him so that the thought of sex would not "turn her stomach". She is here, so I approach from that angle... if it was him posting, my post would read a lot more like yours.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I agree that sex is important, but not more so important than her needs. 

OP, it IS true that you need to try and find happiness within yourself......he's not responsible for your happiness. But having said that, if he is contributing to your UNhappiness and has no desire to work on changing that, you need to think of yourself and do what you need to do. 

I think counseling is definitely in order, but both marriage and individual counseling for yourself as well. Good luck!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

TemperToo said:


> I agree that sex is important, but not more so important than her needs.


To him, sex is as important as her highest need. Sex is a complete non-starter for the OP. It would similarly make sense that her needs are a complete non-starter for him.

Someone's got to break the cycle. Let's hope the OP can do it, since she's the only one here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foreveralwayseternal said:


> What am I spose to do put out just to keep him content? The very idea of sex most days turns my stomach. its just to get him off and very rarely myself. just being honest. ?????


I hope that you come back here as there are questions that really do need to be cleared up before we can really get the entire picture and support you.
The above quote brings a lot of questions to mind.

You say that sex is to just get him off. That you very rarely get off, or enjoy it.

Why is this? Do the two of you engage in foreplay? Does your husband try to turn you on? Things like foreplay, oral, etc? And then you don’t respond?

Or does he just expect you to service him while has sex and gets off? If he’s only having sex for his own release and does not really include you in this… when did this start to happen in your relationship?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Well, here I go with my usual protest to people always telling women - in whatever words and ways they so choose - to "just do it." It's ridiculous, equally as inconsiderate as her husband is, and is not awfully knowledgeable or imaginative advice either. Plus, it doesn't work except in a very few cases. I expect Aristotle will be along sooner or later to testify how well it does work. The difference with Aristotle's situation though is that he and his wife made a spoken agreement that if she gives him more sex, then he will spend time and attention with her. It worked out well and made him WANT to maintain his part of the deal, but not everyone makes that deal.

FAE (short for your very long name), if you want to make a bargain like that with your husband, then I suggest you try it. It will certainly do one of two things - either prove evermore that he's a jerk, or it will get you the attention, affection, and consideration you need and you'll both be happy. It's worth a try with the chance of a 50/50 outcome in your favor of improving the marriage because "suck it up" and "just do it" will only make you more resentful and has a higher failure rate. Making the deal means you are both aware of each other's expectations and are in mutual agreement to work on improving the marital relationship.

Just to clarify something for you, you are not withholding on your husband. Again, that was just another inconsiderate response. Withholding is a willful act done intentionally and usually with a purpose, such as with the intent to control someone, get back at someone, anger someone, send someone a message, etc. You are not having sex but it is without ulterior motive. You don't want him. He has killed your libido. You are disguted by the thought of him touching you. Those are ALWAYS reasons for women not to want sex, and they are ALWAYS perfectly good reasons. Please pay no mind to these people telling you to "just do it." They don't know anything else to say it seems to me. Don't let them, your husband, or anyone else make you feel like your feelings are not important. So what that sex is an important part of marriage. Your needs, how he treats you, and how he makes you feel are equally important. Obviously, it goes without saying if he treated you well and made you feel loved, you wouldn't be here.

Something I noticed (or feel strongly about) is there are a lot of guys on these boards who don't get sex or don't get as much sex as they want. They live vicariously through other men by telling wives like yourself how important sex is to your husband, so you should forget about how you feel and dismiss him making you feel that way to "just do it." Those who do get sex still root for the next guy to make sure other men get the sex they want, so they tell the wives that too. There's a mirror chemical (forget what it's called) in our brains that makes people have the feelings of others. For example, you can see something awful happen to another person and have the feeling that it happened to you. An accident can make you jump at impact, even if it's in a movie. Or, you go "ooh yuck" and cringe to see someone do something disgusting. Well, I'm sure you also noticed how men jump, genuflect, and grab themselves to see another man get kicked in the groin. Movies can be torturous LOL, but you get my point that the guys want to impress upon these wives how important sex is to men. As a result, "just do it" is also preached by some of the women on the boards - women who hear the guys loud and clear but are not in your shoes. I apologize that what you expressed was clearly the result of his actions and him killing your libido, yet most of your respondents jumped down your throat, accused you, and blamed you. It always happens that way to twist around what the woman wrote and make it all her fault. Not only did they make it all your fault but also dumped all the obligation to fix it on your shoulders. What you're saying is you want a relationship with your husband and despite your efforts to get him to engage in his family, all he wants is sex. I just want you to know I heard you.

I don't know if there is a solution to the problem, but there are a few things you can try. One is to make the deal like Aristotle and his wife did (he's a member here btw and not a reference to the ancient Greek philosopher LOL). It is similar to what marriage counseling would do. Not specifically that deal per say, but a counselor will have you both making an effort to actively work on the marriage. If this suggestion makes you feel you are selling yourself to him or bribing him with sex, I don't blame you because I feel that way too. But, it still might be something you decide to try. It's up to you, and I would also understand if you feel like it's another "just do it" suggestion. It is a suggestion, however, that will either get you want you need also or be able to determine your husband is not willing and prefers to continue being selfish and inconsiderate.

Another suggestion is to sit him down and talk with him like you did here. It is very possible he has no idea how he makes you feel and has no idea his actions have that kind of affect on you. There were reasons you fell in love with him and married him. He forgot about all those, and that also is very common. Ever hear the words to the song "The same thing it took to get your baby, it's gonna take the same thing to keep her." Most people - men and women - get comfortable and begin taking each other for granted. That is what has happened with you and your husband.

Yet another suggestion is to demand he attend MC with you. No, you cannot make him go, but you can make him understand that the marriage depends on it. I'm not saying you should threaten him. I'm saying you have to stand up for yourself, take control of your life, and be willing to do whatever that takes. You can't go through life allowing life to happen. Obviously, some things are not at all within your control, but this one certainly is so long as you take control. That means, you have to be willing to leave/end the marriage if he has no desire to work toward improving the marriage. Afterall, he showed you the utmost disrespect by leaving, plus he had already told you in so many words (by refusing to attend counseling) that he does not want to change. Your choices are to continue being his doormat or take your power back from him because you have given him way too much of your power. So, you can grovel and "just do it" or you can demand respect by not tolerating his disrespect.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Does it sound as if he is completly meeting her needs? She is human and has needs, why is his need for sex more important than her needs. They are not and it appears that he is getting what he gives. Isn't that how relationships work? She could probably have walked out on him but she seems more mature. Her having sex with him will not solve their problems. It will give him a chance to ignore them.
> 
> She said the he only talks about his sexual needs when he talks about problems. That usually does not work. He would get further if he talked about the relationship and what they both need to do to improve. When he leads with sex, and ignores other problems he is telling her she is only important to him for the orgasms he gets.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

GhostRydr said:


> I realize with women sex is emotional, but also too often Im reading where women basically are witholding sex from their husbands cuz their husbands arent "behaving like husbands, fathers, etc"
> 
> If ya want your spouse to cheat and justify himself doing so, using sex as a weapon shouldnt be in the arsenol..its part of what keeps couples spiritually connected. BOTH sides are OBLIGATED to have sex within reasonable times
> 
> ...


Really? Where did you drag out that notion? . Women don't have sex so their husbands don't cheat. I thought marital sex was supposed to be mutuall satisfying expression of love? Sounds like it is more of a service wives provide to keep the husband from straying. Besides, It seems woman are doing what men are doing, cheating. 

Why do you think woman cheat and would you give men the same advice? I doubt it. Many men refuse to acknowledge that their wives are as likely to cheat on them when they don't meet her needs. If they did this kind of advice would not be uttered. 

It seems as many woman are taking it as permission to cheat as men. Kind of reckless to hold on to this attitude. Funny, i never hear the following advice to men - meet her needs for communication and affections even if she is not meeting your needs for sex or she will cheat. what's good for him is good for her. 

I can only assume that it is a holdover from a generation or two ago - a mans sexual needs are the most important in a relationship and women's needs are relatively unimportant. From the increasing prevalence of sex starved marriages it is no longer true. Seems to take a bit of time for reality to catch up with rhetoric. . 

A more realistic and workable approach given the current reality is that both parties need to meet each others needs in the way they feel love or they may suffer consequences. Sex is not the most important need in the relationship.

BTW the sex is a weapon is another much repeated platitude. The men who think this also think that no matter how bad of a partner he is, he is entitled to sex. Why do you think that? It is apparently not supported by real life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

What River said!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Acorn said:


> This is perhaps very true, but he is not here, and this does not seem likely to happen on its own.
> 
> She would get further if she talked about the lack of sex, her role in it, and what she would need from him so that the thought of sex would not "turn her stomach". She is here, so I approach from that angle... if it was him posting, my post would read a lot more like yours.


I agree. The person posting is open to advice that's why they come here. And you are right it would be far more helpful to the state of relationships between men and women to make helpful suggestions to the person who is most open.. that is if the aim is to help. 

A rehashing of old feuds helps no one. You advice is spot on. 

It is hard not to counter some of the advice that annoys me but it is not about me so carry on good peoples.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

River1977 said:


> Well, here I go with my usual protest to people always telling women - in whatever words and ways they so choose - to "just do it." It's ridiculous, equally as inconsiderate as her husband is, and is not awfully knowledgeable or imaginative advice either.


FWIW, I don't think a woman should ever "just do it" either.

I just don't see how a person can a) not want sex, b) be unwilling to take ownership of their lack of desire, and c) expect to be happily married to another sexual person.

I'd be willing to bet, if there were any good will left between them, that even a blueprint that delivers a ray of hope would be enough for him sexually at this point. 

Tell him that your libido is struggling due to lack of non-sexual time together and recommend walks to help your sex life, for example. See what happens. This isn't just spreading legs and letting him have his obligatory fun - this is working toward a common goal.

If he goes on some walks, and shows you some good faith stuff, do the same for him. Baby steps. Grow together. Enjoy the journey. To me, this sounds so much more profound than just expecting her to "just do it" or him to run through hoops on the off chance her libido changes.

OP might find that H is so far gone that it doesn't work, or perhaps she is so far gone that she can't bear the effort - and if either is true, it's better to find that out now rather than 10 years from now, yes?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Can we get back to helping the OP, and not arguing among our selves? We are all agreed they are both are fault, but we continue to argue to what degree. Is that all we have to offer? She is here looking for help and we can give her ideas to solve their problem. Who cares witch one is at fault? She is ready to work on it, lets give her our support and let her decide what advice to take.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Is sex really never emotional for guys?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Acorn said:


> FWIW, I don't think a woman should ever "just do it" either.
> 
> I just don't see how a person can a) not want sex, b) be unwilling to take ownership of their lack of desire, and c) expect to be happily married to another sexual person.
> 
> ...


Sorry, Acorn, but I have no response because I don't care to keep promoting "just do it" to her like you did, ignoring everything I already stated like you did, and ignoring everything she stated by suggesting she do what she already stated she does like you did.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Wow.. OP,, if you ever come back to this thread... (gee.. somehow I doubt)... but if you do, I feel for ya hun. 
message me if you need to just vent.


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## foreveralwayseternal (Sep 7, 2010)

Thank you all for your advice and/or input. As of today it is 2 days with no contact with my husband I have called(left message) and texted him and still nothing. I am willing to do counsilling and/or any other form of working on our relationship. I realise that he is a sexual creature and needs the sex. And this relationship took two sides to break down. But at this point we have had the sex conversations before and again I may be falling short in that department. It seems that i do not hold the same value to sex as he does. We have different ideas in that area. So this might be a blessing to either make us better or break us. I want the cummunication and the working together and even sex. I will go to doctors to work on my libito or anything else they can help me fix whats lacking in me. But with out the other person in this relationship willing also than I am just working on myself and not us as a whole. It is scary to think that someone after 12 years together could just walk out on Us. That he couldn't just say via text i need to cool down talk later. but nothing and it fusturates me even more I think because we do have a child together and he hasn't even called to see if he is ok. so What am I to do. Keeping hoping for the best until we can make it better? Thats all I can do right now. until he decides he's ready to talk.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry to hear that he's still not home. Do you have any idea where he would go?

One thing that pops out is your saying that he wants to be more adventurous, to includ 3 somes.

While I agree that increasing your libido and being more adventurous is a great idea, 3 somes are not. They often damage a marriage. Only agree to something like that if you are 100% on board with it. It's unreasonable of him to expect you to engage in sex with others.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

DayDream said:


> Is sex really never emotional for guys?


Can't speak for all men,but I always want the emotional connection with the person I love.Just going through the motions has never been very fulfilling to me.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't know where the 3some came in but maybe I missed reading about it.

FAE, he is working you. It is, of course, possible he's split for good, but I hope not and really doubt it. I believe he's doing this to get your attention and control you. He knows that if he tortures you and scares you, he will get what he wants when he finally comes home. Welcome him back with open legs is if you want, but I wouldn't. That's because I refuse to be controlled, and I'm not afraid to let my marriage go because I don't love my husband more than I love myself. I love him very much, so fortunately he does not test me this way or give me silent treatments because it would be over in a heartbeat. I'd rather spend my life with him, but I'm not afraid to demand his respect. 

Where you are right now is on the precipice of one disaster or another, at least that is what you fear. You fear that if you don't give in to him, he will leave you. But, if you do give in, nothing will be any different or improved for you. He let you know he is not willing to change, so what is there to fear in standing your ground when you know the alternative is the same unhappiness you''ve been experiencing? Stop calling. It's hard as hell, but stop. I know you want to hear his voice, but stop. And if he calls, just don't answer the phone. Play his game right back on him so he sees how it feels and so he sees he is not so clever and controlling after all. You have nothing to lose and just might be surprised of his reaction when you turn the tables on him. That's the only way to defy his attempt to control you like this, and it's the only way to let him know he is not more important in this marriage than you are. Don't be afraid to demand his respect since you don't have it to begin with. It will spare you nothing and gain you nothing to be his doormat.

Change the locks so he realizes he can't just come and go - calling himself teaching you lesson - whenever he pleases.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

River1977 said:


> I don't know where the 3some came in but maybe I missed reading about it.
> 
> FAE, he is working you. It is, of course, possible he's split for good, but I hope not and really doubt it. I believe he's doing this to get your attention and control you. He knows that if he tortures you and scares you, he will get what he wants when he finally comes home. Welcome him back with open legs is if you want, but I wouldn't. That's because I refuse to be controlled, and I'm not afraid to let my marriage go because I don't love my husband more than I love myself. I love him very much, so fortunately he does not test me this way or give me silent treatments because it would be over in a heartbeat. I'd rather spend my life with him, but I'm not afraid to demand his respect.
> 
> ...


The 3 some was mentioned in post 31. But the OP has since edited it out.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> The 3 some was mentioned in post 31. But the OP has since edited it out.


OIC


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

River1977 said:


> OIC


Lol... .(big bang theory!)

AFK.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

River1977 said:


> Change the locks so he realizes he can't just come and go - calling himself teaching you lesson - whenever he pleases.


Fae, I'm going to do my best to respect River's opinion, but I just wanted to say this strikes me as an extraordinarily bad idea unless you are absolutely sure you are in an abusive relationship and wish to take back control at any cost.

You can't legally keep him out of his home because he left for a night, and all this is going to do is escalate the conflict. How raising the stakes and putting barriers up between you two would somehow bring you together is a mystery to me.

I think a much more empowered move would be for you to not be there when he gets back if you needed to go that route.

I hope things improve for you.

PS It's one thing for him to hope for a satisfactory sexual relationship, but threesomes does not sound like an appropriate request to me where you guys are now.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

foreveralwayseternal said:


> Keeping hoping for the best until we can make it better? Thats all I can do right now. until he decides he's ready to talk.


One thing you can do is decide if this is a relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life, and if so, what he'll need to do to keep you there.

I'm coming off as the bad guy in this thread, defending his needs, but your needs are ultimately the most important thing for you. Is this the guy that's going to meet them as a life partner? Is this a guy that you can see joyfully meeting his needs going forward?

There is a lot you can do while you observe how he plays things out.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Acorn said:


> Fae, I'm going to do my best to respect River's opinion, but I just wanted to say this strikes me as an extraordinarily bad idea unless you are absolutely sure you are in an abusive relationship and wish to take back control at any cost.
> 
> You can't legally keep him out of his home because he left for a night, and all this is going to do is escalate the conflict. How raising the stakes and putting barriers up between you two would somehow bring you together is a mystery to me.
> 
> I think a much more empowered move would be for you to not be there when he gets back if you needed to go that route.


I hope you are not as confused and confusing to FAE as you are to me, Acorn. I also hope that you're not starting some kind of target posting just because I disagreed with you before. If so, I'm disagreeing again, so take aim.

1. It's not a question of legalities since he abandoned the home. It's already been more than one night. If you do the math from her first post, you will see it has been more than one night. If you read and understand anything about her last post, you will see that she states it has been "2 days" which is more than one night. He left. She did not pull a fast one as if he just went out for milk. He left. He abandoned his home, his wife, his family. She can change the locks if she wants to, and she should.

2. I don't know how empowered it would feel for her and her daughter to wander the streets indefinately. He left, remember? He refuses to communicate with her, remember? He left and did not leave a note, a kiss, or a goodbye. Remember? She has no idea when (or if) he will ever return. Remember? She has no idea if he plans to telegraph his arrival.

I don't understand why you keep missing/misunderstanding/ignoring the information that has been given. It's like you keep rewriting this post for her to minimize her and remove anything that slightly resembles anything that she is concerned about.



Acorn said:


> One thing you can do is decide if this is a relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life, and if so, what he'll need to do to keep you there.
> 
> I'm coming off as the bad guy in this thread, defending his needs, but your needs are ultimately the most important thing for you. Is this the guy that's going to meet them as a life partner? Is this a guy that you can see joyfully meeting his needs going forward?
> 
> There is a lot you can do while you observe how he plays things out.


And again. Yikes.

I imagine FAE wanting to scream and ask you to either read her post again or just stop responding. That's what I would do if I were her. The woman has spent an unhappy amount of time in a marriage with a man who has neglected and ignored her feelings and concerns. She came here for help, support, and people to listen, not for people to keep neglecting and ignoring everything she said. Please stop talking about his needs. We are well aware because she talked about that and so did I. Can you please have some kind of concern for her concerns now and stop preaching about his needs?


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## enso (Jun 9, 2012)

foreveralwayseternal said:


> Hey
> Well last night my husband gets home from working away for 2 days to grab a shower and change of clothes and head back out. He visits with my son and myself for a hour before I go drop my son off to his grandparents for the night. I get home and he's in the room. So I go out to the living room and relax for a bit before I have to go to bed. He calls out to me and I go to the room. He's lying there after the shower and he's like ' what you can't spend anytime with me' I told him ya I can. But he just lies there. expecting SEX. (me: worked all day, supper, cleaning, child. just started monthly) With in a couple minutes of me just resting on the bed looking at him. He gets up mad, throws some clothes in his travel bag and leaves. Not saying good bye loves ya nothing. Then I text him. No response. Today I have tryed calling a couple times again No response. Is this really a great way to do what? Like seriously?
> We have not really been doing anything lately and Yes Sex is not very often because of me I have lost my libido. I very rarely want sex or even enjoy it anymore. But when I do feel ready to have sex he's not wanting to unless its on time. (i've told him this aswell) But other things see to be lacking with us also. All he does is sit on the couch and watch the news or sports. Never really ingaging in life with me or our son. If I ask him to do something with us like go for a walk its No. But on the weekend if he wants to go do yard work he will throw a fit and get angry if I don't jump up and go help him. I feel like we have drifted apart. Only thing he confronts me or talks to me about is Sex. I realize that that important in a mans world. But I need more. I feel very unhappy with myself lately and he is very unsupporting. saying others can't make you happy. (but i say they can help)Anything I mention about furthering my education or doing something else is always ' no or thats stupid or ya are you really gonna do anything with that or is it just gonna sit there?' I feel i'm not sure what I feel. or how to feel. I've been shutting off alot more lately. so I'm not sure. How are things spose to improve when ever I mention perhaps we should do counsilling or work on us he doesn't want to. As long as I put out he thinks things are A ok. or thats the way he comes off to me.
> I'm sure every marriage goes through things, financial, emotional. but it seems like he hates or dislikes all my things family, or anything besides sex that i bring to the table. and I try and support him but i'm getting so tired of being called selfish for one reason or another. What am i spose to be like? What am I spose to do put out just to keep him content? The very idea of sex most days turns my stomach. its just to get him off and very rarely myself. just being honest. ?????? what to do?????


I am sure the negatively has impacted your son as well. Approach counseling from your sons perspective and tell him we need to work things out for his sake. 

I don't know his side but let me guess that he probably feels you are too involved with chores/son and not giving him enough attention and has slowly built a wall around communication. You both need to find one-one time alone and ask him what really is bothering each others and write down a plan to resolve it. Men do not open up easy and it will take time. Maybe he is over stressed, depressed,..etc.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to lay down their ego and break the damn cycle. COMMUNICATE. Loving talk about this situation. Break the cycle. You can't count on him to do it, you can only control yourself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> The 3 some was mentioned in post 31. But the OP has since edited it out.


.......

Geez. We need the whole story if we are going to reply!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foreveralwayseternal,

Has he come home yet? 

If not do you know where he is?

You might want to file a missing persons report. This will establish a date of abandonment with a police report.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

I agree with changing the locks and filing a police report. There is an issue in your marriage and he chose to act like a child about it. Your marriage can only work if BOTH of you change. Regardless of what his needs are or your needs they are both needs. And in a healthy relationship you would both be working to a healthy compromise. I would find a MC who could help you work toward that.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

This is more complicated than just "COMMUNICATE". If all it took was for them to communicate she wouldn't be here. They need an MC to help them communicate in a healthy manner and help solve the issues of their marriage.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Here's my take on this (and anyone can correct me if I'm wrong):

Sounds to me like she does most (if not all) of the housework..takes care of the kids..works a job..

And he sits on the couch and wants sex.

Does he do anything to help out??

Sounds like he doesn't

While he's on her case for not being more interested in sex with him.

Maybe if he offered to help out more..she'd be more interested.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

River1977 said:


> It's not a question of legalities since he abandoned the home.... He left. He abandoned his home, his wife, his family. She can change the locks if she wants to, and she should.


It takes a lot more than two nights to constitute abandonment - in many places the bar is as high as a year. In most states, it is illegal to change locks on a marital home, as he has as much right to peacefully enter the home as she does. Further, changing locks can be viewed as an antagonistic act and could affect things like asset division and child custody in a divorce. 

These are important things to think of before you start playing control games. They are also very easily found using Google if you want to verify them.

You or anyone else are welcome to ignore my posts if they threaten you. I posted because I was concerned about the legal ramifications about your advice; it has nothing to do with you personally. Having contrast in advice is often times a good thing.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Tikii said:


> No woman is obligated to have sex, period. His behavior is childish, why should you suffer through unwanted sex to please someone who treats you like that?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're not obligated to be at his beck and call for sex whenever he wants it, but yes, when you enter into a monogamous relationship you obligate yourself to have sex with the other person, period.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Changing the locks and filing a missing person report because a man got upset and left for ONE or two nights to cool off? :rofl: Unreal.

Probably not his best decision to just not contact your wife for a night or two, but we don't know the WHOLE story.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Drover said:


> You're not obligated to be at his beck and call for sex whenever he wants it, but yes, when you enter into a monogamous relationship you obligate yourself to have sex with the other person, period.


I disagree, as does my husband. Our marriage isn't based on sex, and neither of us feels obligated to have sex with the other. The OP states that when they have sex, he only cares about getting himself off, not her. Shouldn't this "obligation" if you feel it exists also obligate him to consider her when they are having sex, and not just getting himself to climax and ignoring her needs?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Tikii said:


> I disagree, as does my husband. Our marriage isn't based on sex, and neither of us feels obligated to have sex with the other. The OP states that when they have sex, he only cares about getting himself off, not her. Shouldn't this "obligation" if you feel it exists also obligate him to consider her when they are having sex, and not just getting himself to climax and ignoring her needs?


So you think it would be perfectly ok for you to agree to marry someone, hold them to their obligation to remain monogamous then never have sex with them? Just wow...

And this applies to both men & women. That's no more ridiculous for one sex than the other.

With regard to orgasm, that's a 50/50 thing. She needs to take responsibility for her own orgasm just as much as he is. If she doesn't like what he's doing, tell him. If she needs him to do something to get her off, tell him. If she doesn't like a position, don't do that position. She has hands and fingers too. Oh, and she has a brain. You do realize orgasm is more about mental than physical, right?

Pretty much any women can get any man to orgasm. It doesn't work that way with women. And a lot of men just don't know what they need to do for her. With that said, I didn't see anything in the original post saying she doesn't orgasm or that he doesn't try.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Drover said:


> So you think it would be perfectly ok for you to agree to marry someone, hold them to their obligation to remain monogamous then never have sex with them? Just wow...
> 
> And this applies to both men & women. That's no more ridiculous for one sex than the other.
> 
> ...


Absolutely. Marriage isn't a contract to have sex. Not having sex, while remaining in a loving relationship, isn't an excuse to cheat. 

It is hard to take responsibility for your own orgasm if your partner gets off, gets up and walks away. Who is to say she hasn't tried to discuss it? It doesn't seem like he is the type to listen if he gets pissed over her not having sex on demand and she then doesn't hear from him for days. There is more than just mental to orgasm as well. If he is being physically selfish, and emotionally selfish, how can you expect her to be emotionally involved in the intercourse?

If someone treats me with disrespect and I don't feel loved, or emotionally attached to them, sex is going to turn my stomach. The problems in this relationship are far beyond sex. There is an emotional relationship missing which seems to be what is pulling her away from the sexual. I cannot fault a woman for not feeling into sex with an *******. 

If my husband behaved that way and tried to have sex with me, I would have probably said no too. Had he pressured and I gave in, it would have felt comperable to rape.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Tikii said:


> Marriage isn't a contract to have sex.


I really think marriage is what the people within the marriage say it is. If two married people agree to never expect sex, more power to 'em.

When the two people within the marriage have different views on sex, they're going to have a bad time until they can communicate and figure out what will work for them.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Acorn said:


> I really think marriage is what the people within the marriage say it is. If two married people agree to never expect sex, more power to 'em.
> 
> When the two people within the marriage have different views on sex, they're going to have a bad time until they can communicate and figure out what will work for them.


I agree.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Tikii said:


> Absolutely. Marriage isn't a contract to have sex. Not having sex, while remaining in a loving relationship, isn't an excuse to cheat.


Why are you adding details that aren't anywhere in the situation? She didn't say he doesn't try to get her off. YOU added that. Who said anything about cheating?

I didn't say it was an excuse to cheat. If someone has withheld sex as some kind of punishment so long you can't stand it, then either work it out or leave. I agree you don't cheat. On the other hand, cheating the person you supposedly love out of a sex life is wrong too.

And, yes, the obligation to fulfill your partner's sexual needs is implied in your participation in a monogamous relationship. It's absolutely implied. How many people would knowingly get married if someone told them, "even though they say they love you, for the next XX years your husband/wife is going to withhold sex from you every time they're angry"? Who would ever get married if someone said, "you're committing to only be with this person, but they may decide they'll just never have sex with you again and you;re just kinda stuck with that"? No one would ever get married. IT'S IMPLIED!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Oh, and the follow up to this is if she's decided he's just too repulsive to ever have sex with again, she should leave him! Not hang around withholding sex. She should get on with her happy life alone or with someone else, and let him do the same.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Read the last line of the OP. I read it, and responded to what was implied. I don't understand why you are getting upset. Everyone has different ideas of marriage and different expectations for how we want our marriages to be. We can only give advice based on those views.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Drover said:


> With that said, I didn't see anything in the original post saying she doesn't orgasm or that he doesn't try.


From her original post, in the last paragraph…..


foreveralwayseternal said:


> The very idea of sex most days turns my stomach. its just to get him off and very rarely myself.


This is women’s talk for he has quick, get himself-off sex and does nothing for her.


Drover said:


> With regard to orgasm, that's a 50/50 thing. She needs to take responsibility for her own orgasm just as much as he is.


How is he taking responsibility for his own organsm? He’s using her body to orgasm so no he’s not taking responsibility for his own organsm. To do that he’d have to use his own hand just as you are suggesting that she does for herself.



Drover said:


> So you think it would be perfectly ok for you to agree to marry someone, hold them to their obligation to remain monogamous then never have sex with them? Just wow...
> 
> …And this applies to both men & women. That's no more ridiculous for one sex than the other.


If one partner refuses to engage in sex that is enjoyable to the other, then yes it is reasonable for the partner who never gets any attention to refuse sex. If her husband refuses foreplay and other things that she would enjoy and refuses to ever give her an organism, then why should she want sex with him?

Would you have sex with a woman who always stopped before you had an orgasm? You would become frustrated and eventually hate her if this was your sex life for years.



Drover said:


> With regard to orgasm, that's a 50/50 thing. She needs to take responsibility for her own orgasm just as much as he is. If she doesn't like what he's doing, tell him. If she needs him to do something to get her off, tell him. If she doesn't like a position, don't do that position. She has hands and fingers too. Oh, and she has a brain. You do realize orgasm is more about mental than physical, right?
> 
> Pretty much any women can get any man to orgasm. It doesn't work that way with women. And a lot of men just don't know what they need to do for her.


Why do you just jump to the conclusion that she is not telling him what she needs? Perhaps you should ask her about this instead. Perhaps her husband will not listen to her when she tells him. I’ve been in that situation. It’s very frustrating.

Well if she can use her own hand and finger to give herself an orgasm I guess he can do the same for himself and thus neither of them need the other for sex, do they?

If she can orgasm by stimulating herself, then she can orgasm by him stimulating her…. Stimulation is stimulation. A husband should be doing this for his wife often, very often. If he doesn’t, he’s a selfish prick.

As for the brain comment, yes good sex is very much about the brain. And when a partner does not show care and loving outside of the bedroom it kills the brain part of the sex. When he refuses to do sexual things for his wife, it kills sexual desire.


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## foreveralwayseternal (Sep 7, 2010)

He came home late last night. No communication just went and did his shower and went to bed. figured i'd talk to him today but he went to work early. This will need to be resolved with losts of communication and mc. hope he will respond on a positive not with this idea. 12 years is along time to just throw away. hope all gets better. thank you for you help and understanding


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