# Young father looking to keep his soulmate in his life



## Colorado23

Hello everyone, looking for some advice on my relationship, don’t really have many people I can break this down to, looking to get a few answers here.

Me and my fiancée have been together 6 years and have three boys together, two we made and the other was from a previous relationship. I met her when I was 21, she just turned 19. She was a single mother with a three month years old, I came into there life right when she needed someone the most. 

We met at Walmart, we both worked there and got introduced by a coworker. From there we were inseparable, always together. We went on our first date and from there I saw I could spend a long time with this woman. We moved pretty fast just based off us spending every single day together, always talking always laughing and being silly. I moved in to her moms apartment maybe 4-5 months in, maybe 4-5 months later we got our own small apartment right underneath her moms lol but it was a start, we were madly in love.

I was going everything right, I wanted to. I loved her more than anything and we were moving along and got pregnant with our first, it was planned, we wanted to have a baby with one another. 

We had a good relationship, we were both silly, both romantic, both crazy in bed, we always talked to each other, sure we had fights but we were young and still figuring things out. We eventually moved across town and officially were out on our own. Raising two boys together, this is 1-2 years in and the longest I’ve ever been with someone, so I was still new in doing the same things every single day to make her happy. 

I started getting comfortable and sometimes I would not give her the attention she deserved, or communicate my feelings like I should and shut her out, or do the little things anymore that made us fall in love. She told me that I was slipping and so I would listen and do what I was suppose to for a few months and slip up again. I was young and stupid, not ready for a long relationship but wanted to be with her and was trying.

2 years fly by and we’re still in love and raising our boys in a nicer apartment than before, I still wasn’t being consistent and it was pushing her away. Was there things she could do better that I wanted sure but we were always focused on me and what I was doing wrong and I’m not one to complain I loved her for her. Fast forward to a year ago we have another boy and sure we have lots of good times together still but it hasn’t been consistent for years. I pushed and pushed her away and made her put a wall up because she was scared to get hurt. 

Today, we’re worse than ever. She’s threatened to leave multiple times within the last year, but this month was the worse. She says she’s fallen out of love with me, that I’ve pushed her away by not staying the person she fell in love with. I turned 26 three months ago and I took time to myself to really think about how I’ve messed up the best thing to ever happen to me, I’ve matured over the years and today I feel I’m better than ever, not slipping up no more, paying attention, communicating, doing little things, surprising her. She feels like it’s too late, like I’ve pushed her away too much, but I don’t think so, she still loves me, we still kiss and I can feel her passion for Me. 

Yesterday she told me she wants to be happy, she wants to see if being alone will make her happy. Wants to be alone with her boys and see if that’s what she wants. I told her ima changed person, I’m never going to stop again, never going to slip up because I’ve matured and learned the lessons I need to, I know what I have to do and know that if she stays and see this we will find the spark again. I can’t do this without her, I love her more than anything and lately have been beating myself up because I pushed away the greatest blessing to come into my life. I just want one more chance to show I’m done being immature I’m not that person no more, if she sees this, that wall will break down. 

I need advice, I desperately don’t want to lose her and will do anything and everything. We have a loving family that I want and need in my life. Is there anything I can do for us to find that love again, to show her it’s possible to reconnect. She hasn’t fully made up her mind but is 50/50 right now.


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## brooklynAnn

What do you.mean by you "slipped up"?


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## snerg

Colorado23 said:


> I need advice, *I desperately don’t want to lose her and will do anything and everything.* We have a loving family that I want and need in my life. Is there anything I can do for us to find that love again, to show her it’s possible to reconnect. She hasn’t fully made up her mind but is 50/50 right now.


Why?

Why now?

Why couldn't you do it before? You do realize young and immature won't cut it for an answer.

1) Completely clean up your act
2) Be the best father you can be
3) Do you best to be able to co-parent well
4) Take care of yourself

If you can do those, maybe there's a chance she'll want to reconnect.


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## Diana7

I think she needs to learn to love you as you are and not as she wants you to be. Its very hard trying to be someone you are not just to please someone else. 
No relationship can be how it was in the beginning forever.

OH and btw, you say you are engaged, when did you plan to get married?


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## skerzoid

Colorado23 said:


> I need advice, I desperately don’t want to lose her and will do anything and everything.


I am sorry you are going through this.

_*However, you need to change your attitude.*_ You are coming across as too desperate and that is very unattractive to her. 

*Also stop doing the begging, whining, pick-me dance. * Stop blaming yourself. You are coming across as weak and pathetic. You are super co-dependent.

*Some of the things you are mentioning are red flags for an affair.* You should check phone records, texts, e-mail, social media, credit card accounts to see if anything shows up. *If so, DO NOT confront her immediately.* If you do find that something may be happening, keep posting here for advice on how to proceed. *Talk About Marriage* is the anti-infidelity brain trust. 

*Also, start practicing the "180" technique, here is a link*: https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

*She may not be cheating, but you need to do this for your own betterment. *

*In order to save your marriage, you need to be willing to lose it.* She is in the driver's seat right now and you are letting her do that.

*Women respect Strength, Courage, & Confidence. * You need to start working to build that aura. Here is a book that will help: https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731


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## BioFury

From what you've said, she wants things to work out between you, but she's hurt, and doesn't want to be hurt any more. So she's making a retreat, and hoping you'll come after her.

So my advice would be don't allow her to create distance between you. What she likely wants deep inside, is for you to hold onto her, and refuse to let go. While of course, treating her like a queen. So do just that.


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## OnTheFly

Colorado23 said:


> ....she wants to see if being alone will make her happy.


She's met someone. This scenario is as old as the hills.


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## arbitrator

*Being a consummate proponent of the infidelity community, I cannot even begin to find a scintilla of that ugly monster anywhere between the lines, within the description of your relationship! She seems to give off vibes of insecurity, probably because out of fear of being dumped, perhaps from a prior relationship with some other person that she came to love!

Consider listening to her more, and if things fail to get better, then by all means, give due consideration to either marriage or pastoral counseling!

For a lot of similar folks, it works wonders!

Your love for her and for those boys should supersede everything! 

I truly wish you and your family well, my friend! *


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

“Yesterday she told me she wants to be happy, she wants to see if being alone will make her happy. Wants to be alone with her boys and see if that’s what she wants. I told her ima changed person, I’m never going to stop again, never going to slip up because I’ve matured and learned the lessons I need to, I know what I have to do and know that if she stays and see this we will find the spark again.”

[email protected], I am going to tell you how I see the above. I speak from experience wanting to be alone. Translation, wants to be alone but with someone else, not you. She has someone lined up to replace you. I hope I am wrong. 

Next as another poster asked what did you do to slip up? This is critical to understanding th context of your situation.

Lastly, why are the two of you having children out of wedlock? Are you, or both of you afraid to commit? Hmmm.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Double post


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## niceguy47460

Does she work or a stay at home mom . She maybe seeing someone else and is not sure if it will work with the other person . The I want to be by my self is a load of BS . All that is , is a way for her to be with him to see if it can work with him . Check her phone email and everything . There is something going on and you need to find out what . 

They will always try to blame you for everything wrong .


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## arbitrator

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> “Yesterday she told me she wants to be happy, she wants to see if being alone will make her happy. Wants to be alone with her boys and see if that’s what she wants. I told her ima changed person, I’m never going to stop again, never going to slip up because I’ve matured and learned the lessons I need to, I know what I have to do and know that if she stays and see this we will find the spark again.”
> 
> [email protected], I am going to tell you how I see the above. I speak from experience wanting to be alone. Translation, wants to be alone but with someone else, not you. She has someone lined up to replace you. I hope I am wrong.
> 
> Next as another poster asked what did you do to slip up? This is critical to understanding th context of your situation.
> 
> Lastly, why are the two of you having children out of wedlock? Are you, or both of you afraid to commit? Hmmm.


*If those impressionable, young boys need anything in this life, it is "mutual commitment" from the both of you for each other, that they need the most!

Please give it to them! *


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## Marc878

Check your phone bill.


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## lovelygirl

Why do we have to assume that she must be cheating? it could really be that she's tired of him taking her for granted. 
You took important decisions at a very young age, OP. AT 26, I'd say you've got a lot of maturing to do and I'm sure you're not ready to take further responsibilities.

So, before giving false hopes, make sure you are ready to do anything it takes to make a complete change for better, towards her. She needs to see actions, not just words.

From a woman's perspective, it could be that she doesn't see you as mature enough to be able to keep your word, hence she could be under -evaluation you. It's your turn to show how much she means to you by ACTIONS, not empty promises. :|


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## farsidejunky

lovelygirl said:


> Why do we have to assume that she must be cheating? it could really be that she's tired of him taking her for granted.
> 
> You took important decisions at a very young age, OP. AT 26, I'd say you've got a lot of maturing to do and I'm sure you're not ready to take further responsibilities.
> 
> 
> 
> So, before giving false hopes, make sure you are ready to do anything it takes to make a complete change for better, towards her. She needs to see actions, not just words.
> 
> 
> 
> From a woman's perspective, it could be that she doesn't see you as mature enough to be able to keep your word, hence she could be under -evaluation you. It's your turn to show how much she means to you by ACTIONS, not empty promises. :|


Because he got both the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" AND "I need space".

OP, there is a chance there is not another man...but I would say it is very small.

Time to find out, because a wayward wife and a walkaway wife require dramatically different approaches. 

And what exactly was meant by "slipped up"?



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## aine

Not sure what you have done OP to show her you didn't love her, etc or it could be a case of her high expectations. Marriage is not a fairy tale and it is bloody hard work. It is normal when the oxytocin kick of falling in love wears off to go into a dip but you can both get past it.
The one thing you cannot do is beg, plead, etc. Show her that you value yourself, show her you are willing to lose her. Tell her if she feels like this then you love her enough to give her what she wants. Tell her you are willing to work on the marriage but is she is unwilling to meet you half way then you will proceed on the basis she wants out. Remember you can only control yourself not her. She may fall back in love with you if you are strong and decisive now. Start doing the 180 on her, be calm and decent to her but go about your business. Go and see a lawyer and sort yourself out by seeing a counselor. Maybe you are still a bit immature, it happens.

You can get through this but do not bend over backwards to please her, it will not work, though it may seem counter intuitive.


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## lovelygirl

aine said:


> Not sure what you have done OP to show her you didn't love her, etc or it could be a case of her high expectations. Marriage is not a fairy tale and it is bloody hard work. *It is normal when the oxytocin kick of falling in love wears off to go into a dip but you can both get past it.*
> The one thing you cannot do is beg, plead, etc. Show her that you value yourself, show her you are willing to lose her. Tell her if she feels like this then you love her enough to give her what she wants. Tell her you are willing to work on the marriage but is she is unwilling to meet you half way then you will proceed on the basis she wants out. Remember you can only control yourself not her. She may fall back in love with you if you are strong and decisive now. Start doing the 180 on her, be calm and decent to her but go about your business. Go and see a lawyer and sort yourself out by seeing a counselor. Maybe you are still a bit immature, it happens.
> 
> You can get through this but do not bend over backwards to please her, it will not work, though it may seem counter intuitive.


Just because oxytocin drops, _doesn't_ mean the couple should not do anything to rekindle their romantic life, otherwise, the marriage/relationship - more than likely, *won't survive.*


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## Colorado23

So update... there was another man for 9 months she was talking to him behind my back. He works at her job, is a successful car salesman selling her dreams of a big house and everything she wants butttt he’s married. And his a habitual cheater, has cheated on his wife with many girls in that delership and treated them like ****. Except for her.. she thinks she’s the one bc of how he talks to her and the things he says to her. He’s been married for a few months and just had a baby. 

I feel that I pushed her to do this, I was immature the last two years of our relationship and made her put a wall up. It’s little things I would do like not giving her my complete attention, not communicating enough or expressing my feelings, noticing the little things about her, or just surprising her with anything to make her smile the little things. This technically my first true relationship and I slacked in a lot of departments not knowing the daily work involved to make a woman to never feel these things. I’ve matured over the years and learned every lesson, I know now what to do and have been showing her, making her feel like a princess making her feel special and give her all my attention, she says it feels weird cas she’s not use to it but I told her she will get use to it.

So we’ve been talking the last few days and she says she can’t seem to let this married guy go, that he says he will leave his wife and do all these things, she knows it’s not right but her feelings for him won’t let her leave. She doesn’t want to be alone after all, she’s afraid to be alone, she doesn’t want to fully get back with me and things go back and she loses him and me and ends up alone. She wants me to show her for a month that I truly have changed and things will never go back to how they were while she gives him a month to leave his wife... I don’t know if I can do that..as much as I love her and our family that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. She has moments where she will kiss me and tell me she chooses me and I’m her best friend then a day later she says she’s scared and can’t make a choice. I don’t know what to do, I want to fight for us but it seems like it’s not the right way to do it. 
I’m caught in the middle, she’s the mother to my kids, my first love and my bestfriend, we have the best time together and I know if she gave us one more chance things will be better than ever bc this experience has changed me and made me realize I can never go back to being that person.
The other night I went to Kays got her a nice infinity ring, and wrote up a love letter that listed everything I’ve learned and will never do, we made intense love twice and she kissed me with passion, the next day she was still texting him, when i confronted her she said she it’s hard to just stop. 
So we went on a break, the next day I came home laid in bed she cuddled up to me and before she went to work told me she is going to choose me, then hours later goes on to say she is afraid to waste more time with me if i didn’t change and maybe thinks they can make it work between them. 
She told me for a month she wouldn’t kiss him or go on any dates or anything but just text him, tell him he has one month to file for divorce, while I’m here continuing to treat her like a princess that I want to do forever and never stop, I just don’t think that’s the logical thing to do, I know the answer deep down but will be too hard...what if he doesn’t leave his wife and she comes back to me and we’re better than ever, instead of me leaving this place and try to move on with another, that’s another things.. she says it makes her sick to her stomach to imagine me with another girl giving her everything she always wanted, I just don’t know it’s a hard one everything inside me wants us to work just doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen...


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## BioFury

Colorado23 said:


> So update... there was another man for 9 months she was talking to him behind my back. He works at her job, is a successful car salesman selling her dreams of a big house and everything she wants butttt he’s married. And his a habitual cheater, has cheated on his wife with many girls in that delership and treated them like ****. Except for her.. she thinks she’s the one bc of how he talks to her and the things he says to her. He’s been married for a few months and just had a baby.


What he does to them, he'll do to her. Your wife is being an idiot if she thinks she's any different to this man than all the rest.



Colorado23 said:


> I feel that I pushed her to do this, I was immature the last two years of our relationship and made her put a wall up. It’s little things I would do like not giving her my complete attention, not communicating enough or expressing my feelings, noticing the little things about her, or just surprising her with anything to make her smile the little things. This technically my first true relationship and I slacked in a lot of departments not knowing the daily work involved to make a woman to never feel these things. I’ve matured over the years and learned every lesson, I know now what to do and have been showing her, making her feel like a princess making her feel special and give her all my attention, she says it feels weird cas she’s not use to it but I told her she will get use to it.
> 
> So we’ve been talking the last few days and *she says she can’t seem to let this married guy go, that he says he will leave his wife and do all these things, she knows it’s not right but her feelings for him won’t let her leave.* She doesn’t want to be alone after all, she’s afraid to be alone, she doesn’t want to fully get back with me and things go back and she loses him and me and ends up alone. She wants me to show her for a month that I truly have changed and things will never go back to how they were while she gives him a month to leave his wife... I don’t know if I can do that..as much as I love her and our family that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. She has moments where she will kiss me and tell me she chooses me and I’m her best friend then a day later she says she’s scared and can’t make a choice. I don’t know what to do, I want to fight for us but it seems like it’s not the right way to do it.


I wouldn't wait around. Tell her that if she likes the douchenozzle at the dealership so much, she can go live with him. Then tell her she has 30 seconds to make her choice. If she hasn't said your name by second 31, tell her to pack her things, and go introduce herself to the douchenozzle's wife. She can explain to her that her husband is leaving to be with her. Because she's not like all the other girls he's screwing. She's special.



Colorado23 said:


> I’m caught in the middle, she’s the mother to my kids, my first love and my bestfriend, we have the best time together and I know if she gave us one more chance things will be better than ever bc this experience has changed me and made me realize I can never go back to being that person.
> 
> The other night I went to Kays got her a nice infinity ring, and wrote up a love letter that listed everything I’ve learned and will never do, we made intense love twice and she kissed me with passion, the next day she was still texting him, when i confronted her she said she it’s hard to just stop.
> 
> So we went on a break, the next day I came home laid in bed she cuddled up to me and before she went to work told me she is going to choose me, then hours later goes on to say she is afraid to waste more time with me if i didn’t change and maybe thinks they can make it work between them.
> 
> She told me for a month she wouldn’t kiss him or go on any dates or anything but just text him, tell him he has one month to file for divorce, while I’m here continuing to treat her like a princess that I want to do forever and never stop, I just don’t think that’s the logical thing to do, I know the answer deep down but will be too hard...what if he doesn’t leave his wife and she comes back to me and we’re better than ever, instead of me leaving this place and try to move on with another, that’s another things.. she says it makes her sick to her stomach to imagine me with another girl giving her everything she always wanted, I just don’t know it’s a hard one everything inside me wants us to work just doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen...


Don't sit there hoping she picks you dude, women don't respect weakness. And weak is what you're projecting, when you're allowing your woman to text, kiss and flirt with another man. Be decisive. She can either be all-in with you, or get the hell out.


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## Affaircare

@Colorado23, 

What I'm going to suggest is going to sound overwhelming, but hear me out, okay? You and your fiancee are not yet married, but I assume you are both in a committed, exclusive relationship, AND the two of you have made children together. So although you haven't stood "before god and country" to get your marriage piece of paper, the two of you are committed to one another (you made a family together), and the two of you are exclusive (it's not an open, polyamorous, sharing kind of situation). 

IF THAT IS THE CASE...I would suggest that you pack all her things into whatever suitcases you have, and you take her to work or the OM's house, and you tell her that she can choose to honor her commitment to you and the family, or she can choose OM, but she can not have both. When she agreed to live with you and made babies with you, she committed TO YOU and gave up ALL OTHERS. So she is completely free to make up her own mind, but what she can NOT do is continue to enjoy all the benefits of you and the family while also continuing to blatantly break all her promises to you and the family. If she comes home, she immediately quits her job and ends all contact with the OM, closing the door to any access to him forever (and she proves it to you--you aren't her policeman) -OR- if she goes to him, all three kids stay in their home, in their bed, with their dad and she leaves them, and the door to your heart closes forever. 

Now, I know you'll likely think "What?!!! Are you kidding?!!! That is WAAAAAY too drastic and she'd hate me forever!" but let me explain something to you, kiddo--a relationship can survive some anger and some yelling, but it can NOT survive ongoing infidelity. She is thinking right now that she'll get to keep the kids, and she'll get the big house and new car, and he'll leave his wife for her because what they have is special (unlike the previous five girls)... but she's not thinking that this frolic in Wonderland is GOING TO COST HER. Best case scenario, she is going to lose half her time with her children, and she'll lose all the benefits of YOU. Yes, I get it, you weren't perfect, but even as imperfect as you were, there are benefits to being with you. You were friends with her. You shared income together. You got a place together...she doesn't get to keep all that and just "kick you out"!! Heck no! At best, she'll lose half her stuff too! 

So trust me...do this. If you do the "Pick Me" dance, that means you are weak and have poor self-esteem. If you do what I suggested, it shows that you expect her to be a grown woman and honor her promises, and that you have enough self-respect to not allow her to treat you with such enormous disrespect. Either she's a woman of honor (and she'll honor her promises to you and the boys) or she's not. If she's not, let her go, keep the boys, raise them to be excellent men, and set her free to experience the consequences of her choice to be dishonorable. Be brave! You can do this!


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## anchorwatch

@Colorado23, read @Affaircare's post to you. Then read again and again, until sinks in. 

It's the betrayer that should be doing the pick me dance, not you. 

Your inattentiveness doesn't near equal her betrayal. That's completely 100% on her. 

Let her go and you'll see how fast the OM drops her, once it gets real. He only wants a thrill, not another wife, alimony and child support. 

Lol, how immature is your fiancee to believe this fantasy romance is true love? What does his wife think about all of this? 

It's time to put your big boy pants on and be that man you want to be. Not for her, for you! 


Best


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## niceguy47460

I would say it has went further than just texting . More than likely they have had sex . No man is going to talk to someone for 9 months and not get some . That is all he wants . He will string her along as long as he can . But since he is married he is not going to leave his wife because she will get half of what ever he has . 

Do like the others have said and man up . Get mad and kick her to the curb with nothing . If she doesn't have a place to go you keep the kids . I know for a fact if she has no where to go the police will not let her take them since you have the place . 

You need to shock her back to reality . By you doing what you are doing now will just let her think you are ok with it . And she will string you along which is what she is doing now . Nothing good will come from you catering to her . Everyone on TAM knows this . She is the one cheating not you . You need to get mad as hell .


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## SongoftheSouth

Sorry man I figured there was a new shiny object. You didn't push her to [email protected] Trust me Mr successful wont want some woman with 3 kids -and divorce his wife and loose all his stuff. Just let her go and tell her to go be with him. He will dump her quick. Sorry again


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## Marduk

Colorado23 said:


> So update... there was another man for 9 months she was talking to him behind my back. He works at her job, is a successful car salesman selling her dreams of a big house and everything she wants butttt he’s married. And his a habitual cheater, has cheated on his wife with many girls in that delership and treated them like ****. Except for her.. she thinks she’s the one bc of how he talks to her and the things he says to her. He’s been married for a few months and just had a baby.
> 
> I feel that I pushed her to do this, I was immature the last two years of our relationship and made her put a wall up. It’s little things I would do like not giving her my complete attention, not communicating enough or expressing my feelings, noticing the little things about her, or just surprising her with anything to make her smile the little things. This technically my first true relationship and I slacked in a lot of departments not knowing the daily work involved to make a woman to never feel these things. I’ve matured over the years and learned every lesson, I know now what to do and have been showing her, making her feel like a princess making her feel special and give her all my attention, she says it feels weird cas she’s not use to it but I told her she will get use to it.
> 
> So we’ve been talking the last few days and she says she can’t seem to let this married guy go, that he says he will leave his wife and do all these things, she knows it’s not right but her feelings for him won’t let her leave. She doesn’t want to be alone after all, she’s afraid to be alone, she doesn’t want to fully get back with me and things go back and she loses him and me and ends up alone. She wants me to show her for a month that I truly have changed and things will never go back to how they were while she gives him a month to leave his wife... I don’t know if I can do that..as much as I love her and our family that doesn’t seem like the right thing to do. She has moments where she will kiss me and tell me she chooses me and I’m her best friend then a day later she says she’s scared and can’t make a choice. I don’t know what to do, I want to fight for us but it seems like it’s not the right way to do it.
> I’m caught in the middle, she’s the mother to my kids, my first love and my bestfriend, we have the best time together and I know if she gave us one more chance things will be better than ever bc this experience has changed me and made me realize I can never go back to being that person.
> The other night I went to Kays got her a nice infinity ring, and wrote up a love letter that listed everything I’ve learned and will never do, we made intense love twice and she kissed me with passion, the next day she was still texting him, when i confronted her she said she it’s hard to just stop.
> So we went on a break, the next day I came home laid in bed she cuddled up to me and before she went to work told me she is going to choose me, then hours later goes on to say she is afraid to waste more time with me if i didn’t change and maybe thinks they can make it work between them.
> She told me for a month she wouldn’t kiss him or go on any dates or anything but just text him, tell him he has one month to file for divorce, while I’m here continuing to treat her like a princess that I want to do forever and never stop, I just don’t think that’s the logical thing to do, I know the answer deep down but will be too hard...what if he doesn’t leave his wife and she comes back to me and we’re better than ever, instead of me leaving this place and try to move on with another, that’s another things.. she says it makes her sick to her stomach to imagine me with another girl giving her everything she always wanted, I just don’t know it’s a hard one everything inside me wants us to work just doesn’t seem like it’s gonna happen...


All you did was reinforce to her that she can have her cake (you), and eat it too (the married dude).


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## Marc878

Inform the other mans wife and then let your wayward go. She's not relationship material.

You need to grow up, mature and quit being so naive. There is no one and only, soulmate. That's a bunch of BS. You didn't force her to cheat either. That was a very willing decision she made because she wanted to.

Get real or get walked on.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Hold on, so she communicated all of these problems before and you ignored them? Or, like most cheaters, it was all pointed out to make you feel terrible?

Nope, I am not saying you didn’t make mistakes, but it always funny how cheaters, gender need not apply, try to turn everything back on the Betrayed person.


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## Laurentium

You say to her: "you have a choice between the father of your children, or Mr serial cheater. If you find that a hard decision, you're too stupid to be marriage material, and we need to go our separate ways." And mean it, because it is actually true. 

What you are currently doing is rewarding her for inappropriate behaviour. What you are doing is like giving a dog a treat every time it craps on the carpet.


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## She'sStillGotIt

lovelygirl said:


> Why do we have to assume that she must be cheating? it could really be that she's tired of him taking her for granted.


Once again, the brain trust was correct. The OP's wife/girlfriend is indeed cheating - with a married, used car salesman. Damn, it just gets no sleazier than a cheating, married used car salesman, does it?

OP, if you actually *believe* she's only been 'talking and texting' with Mr. Smarmy from Acme Auto Sales, then I have some oceanfront property in Kansas I'd like to sell you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Dude,

One can never lay in bed with his SO and let her talk about any other man and how she might choose you over him.

Never, ever.

Man up. You didn't drive her to this, accept that. Observe how things are NOW and act accordingly. 

If one dwells too much on "why ,why" when reality is smacking him in the face, one is trying to avoid action.

Because you have to act.

Let her have her alone time, immediately, pack her bags and tell her to go.

She's had sex with another man. That's the reality. 

Make her, on your schedule (now) live with the consequences of her stated choices which are to not have you in her life.


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## manfromlamancha

I do not agree with the others that are saying you should ask her to make a decision immediately and choose between you or the POSOM.

She should have NO CHOICE!!!! 

She has cheated on you and you need to kick her out. Period. I do agree that you should take her to the POSOM's house, introduce her to his wife etc (as others have said) and let the chips fall where they may. She is in for a very bad fall and she has behaved badly.

She needs to come to this realisation by herself and then work VERY, VERY, VERY hard to try and win you back. Giving her a choice is empowering her and is still a milder form of the pick me dance.

And by the way, they have been screwing (as others have said). No POSOM will carry on for 9 months without her putting out.

I also agree that she is not marriage material. She may be the mother of your kids but she is not wife material. Focus on becoming a good co-parent and go find someone with stronger morals and boundaries.

I cannot believe that you are calmly discussing the situation with her and even listening while she explains how difficult it is to let the POSOM go. Unbelievable!!


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## lovelygirl

manfromlamancha said:


> I cannot believe that you are calmly discussing the situation with her and even listening while she explains how difficult it is to let the POSOM go. Unbelievable!!


Yeah...it's unbereable to read that they've even discussing who she should choose.

As if they're talking about home furniture. 
"_Do we get that chair or that one?? Hm....lemme think...:scratchhead:_ _I need some time...let's see what's more convenient given that I have the luxury to be able to choose._ "




:loser:


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## Sparta

You failed her test and that of being a man


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## Colorado23

I didn’t, I told her I’m not going to sit her and let her do that to me


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## Colorado23

Last night I told her we’re going to take a break, we’re not together right now, I’m going to focus on myself while she sees if this man will leave his wife before this month is over. At the end of the month if he doesn’t leave his wife and I decide to get back with her then we’re going to try and make this work for the next 10 months and give it until are lease ends on this apartment, it’s the least we can do for these kids and our own peace of mind, she’ll see what im truly capable of and if she still doesn’t fall back in love with me than we can happily go our own ways. 
I can’t go on without knowing if we can truly work while I never got to really put her on the pedestal she’s always deserved or how I should’ve acted from the beginning. I’ve always been immature and just didn’t take the blessings that came into my life seriously...this pain and whole situation has truly opened my eyes, and made me better. You guys don’t know how ****ty to her I would be sometimes, when I thought she was talking to much I would give her that vibe that I wanted her to be quiet, or I would focus more on playing the game or my phone than giving her the attention she was waiting for or express my feeling or communicate better, I just wouldn’t surprise her for no reason or notice little things or would always forget to do something, she would tell me all these things and I would do it for a little bit then go back to my old ways, I didn’t take time to truly reflect on my behavior and bad habits to change it.
She’s really is a good girl, just made a mistake, this isn’t who she is. We were once crazy in love, I should’ve married her 4 years ago but didn’t bc I was afraid of commitment but I messed it up by pushing her away by not doing the simple things she asked of me, each time I did that it made her build a wall higher and higher. I know that love is still there...I know he’s not going to leave his wife, and maybe if he does they will go on and do there own thing, and I will go my way and look for someone to never make them feel like I made her feel and find someone truly loyal. It’s all really hard..
I told her that I can’t just sit her and allow her to use me while she picks at the end of the month, she told me she’s given me so many chances to change, she’s stayed with me bc she was thinking about my feelings, the least I can do for her is this, but I told her that makes me weak for hoping he leaves his wife so we have a chance. 
So we’re on a break, I’m starting to accept the reality that we’re eventually going to break up, both of our names is on this lease so I can’t just kick her out, that’s why I said if we’re going to both be here anyways why not try and do everything we can to make it work one last time. And if it doesn’t by the end of 10 months then it’ll be easier to move on bc I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
Maybe that makes me weak if after this month I gave her another chance to be loyal and get her to fall back in love with me by showing her what I’m truly capable of but i don’t really care.. I deeply love her and we’re best friends, when we’re good I know there’s no other person who can make her laugh or get along with her as well as we do. I know this is a crazy love story but what if we got through it and never looked back? What if this made us stronger than ever? 
I’m not saying I’m going to sit her a wait on what he’s going to do, but if it doesn’t work out, all I’m saying is I’m going to be here anyways, I’m not leaving my home with my kids, misewell try and see if we really are meant to be...


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## BluesPower

Never mind...


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## farsidejunky

Damn, man. 

She doesn't have to bother with giving you excuses.

You are doing that for her.

Stop trying to save her. She doesn't want to be saved or she would do it herself.

Stop putting her on a pedestal. She does not deserve it because what you are seeing is WHO SHE IS.

Stop giving her the choice. Why don't you love yourself enough to refuse to share your wife?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## phillybeffandswiss

Colorado23 said:


> Last night I told her we’re going to take a break, we’re not together right now, I’m going to focus on myself while she sees if this man will leave his wife before this month is over. At the end of the month if he doesn’t leave his wife and I decide to get back with her then we’re going to try and make this work for the next 10 months and give it until are lease ends on this apartment, it’s the least we can do for these kids and our own peace of mind, she’ll see what im truly capable of and if she still doesn’t fall back in love with me than we can happily go our own ways.
> I can’t go on without knowing if we can truly work while I never got to really put her on the pedestal she’s always deserved or how I should’ve acted from the beginning. I’ve always been immature and just didn’t take the blessings that came into my life seriously...this pain and whole situation has truly opened my eyes, and made me better. You guys don’t know how ****ty to her I would be sometimes, when I thought she was talking to much I would give her that vibe that I wanted her to be quiet, or I would focus more on playing the game or my phone than giving her the attention she was waiting for or express my feeling or communicate better, I just wouldn’t surprise her for no reason or notice little things or would always forget to do something, she would tell me all these things and I would do it for a little bit then go back to my old ways, I didn’t take time to truly reflect on my behavior and bad habits to change it.
> She’s really is a good girl, just made a mistake, this isn’t who she is. We were once crazy in love, I should’ve married her 4 years ago but didn’t bc I was afraid of commitment but I messed it up by pushing her away by not doing the simple things she asked of me, each time I did that it made her build a wall higher and higher. I know that love is still there...I know he’s not going to leave his wife, and maybe if he does they will go on and do there own thing, and I will go my way and look for someone to never make them feel like I made her feel and find someone truly loyal. It’s all really hard..
> I told her that I can’t just sit her and allow her to use me while she picks at the end of the month, she told me she’s given me so many chances to change, she’s stayed with me bc she was thinking about my feelings, the least I can do for her is this, but I told her that makes me weak for hoping he leaves his wife so we have a chance.
> So we’re on a break, I’m starting to accept the reality that we’re eventually going to break up, both of our names is on this lease so I can’t just kick her out, that’s why I said if we’re going to both be here anyways why not try and do everything we can to make it work one last time. And if it doesn’t by the end of 10 months then it’ll be easier to move on bc I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
> Maybe that makes me weak if after this month I gave her another chance to be loyal and get her to fall back in love with me by showing her what I’m truly capable of but i don’t really care.. I deeply love her and we’re best friends, when we’re good I know there’s no other person who can make her laugh or get along with her as well as we do. I know this is a crazy love story but what if we got through it and never looked back? What if this made us stronger than ever?
> I’m not saying I’m going to sit her a wait on what he’s going to do, but if it doesn’t work out, all I’m saying is I’m going to be here anyways, I’m not leaving my home with my kids, misewell try and see if we really are meant to be...


Sorry, I know I am supposed to read an entire post, but I am not. I stopped when you said you are leaving, but you may take her back in 30 days.

You need to respect yourself. Never ever be a second choice for anyone kids or no kids. All you are doing is giving them permission to do this again. Yes, even if you are at fault. There are better ways to get someone to understand, like leaving, than cheating.


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## Cynthia

I feel like I'm watching a train wreck.


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## anchorwatch

You're negotiating your life when it's time for action. Direct your own course. Do not let anyone do it for you. 

Of course, it's hard. You're used to letting things happen to you, instead of making things happen. 

Don't be such a White Knight. Do you think your sacrifice is saving something?

Don't be so willing to be 2nd place for anyone. You'll forever feel like 1st loser. 

A link for you to read... No More Mr. Nice Guy



Good luck.


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## sunsetmist

Who said you are always immature? Her? Others? I think it is more likely you are STUBBORN--want your own way. You did not treat her as you knew you should have. Cheating is unacceptable--she should have left first. So, you should have been more loving and you both should have worked on the marriage.

However, now you refuse to take the advice of folks knowledgeable in the areas of marriage and infidelity. You want to do it your way. If you were this stubborn in marriage, it must have been difficult to live with. Think on these things.....


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Colorado23 said:


> Last night I told her we’re going to take a break, we’re not together right now, I’m going to focus on myself *while she sees if this man will leave his wife before this month is over. At the end of the month if he doesn’t leave his wife* and I decide to get back with her then we’re going to try and make this work for the next 10 months and give it until are lease ends on this apartment, it’s the least we can do for these kids and our own peace of mind, she’ll see what im truly capable of *and if she still doesn’t fall back in love with* me than we can happily go our own ways.
> I can’t go on without knowing if we can truly work while I never got to really put her on the pedestal she’s always deserved or how I should’ve acted from the beginning. I’ve always been immature and just didn’t take the blessings that came into my life seriously...this pain and whole situation has truly opened my eyes, and made me better. You guys don’t know how ****ty to her I would be sometimes, when I thought she was talking to much I would give her that vibe that I wanted her to be quiet, or I would focus more on playing the game or my phone than giving her the attention she was waiting for or express my feeling or communicate better, I just wouldn’t surprise her for no reason or notice little things or would always forget to do something, she would tell me all these things and I would do it for a little bit then go back to my old ways, I didn’t take time to truly reflect on my behavior and bad habits to change it.
> She’s really is a good girl, just made a mistake, this isn’t who she is. We were once crazy in love, I should’ve married her 4 years ago but didn’t bc I was afraid of commitment but I messed it up by pushing her away by not doing the simple things she asked of me, each time I did that it made her build a wall higher and higher. I know that love is still there...I know he’s not going to leave his wife, and maybe if he does they will go on and do there own thing, and I will go my way and look for someone to never make them feel like I made her feel and find someone truly loyal. It’s all really hard..
> I told her that I can’t just sit her and allow her to use me while she picks at the end of the month, she told me she’s given me so many chances to change, she’s stayed with me bc she was thinking about my feelings, the least I can do for her is this, but I told her that makes me weak for hoping he leaves his wife so we have a chance.
> So we’re on a break, I’m starting to accept the reality that we’re eventually going to break up, both of our names is on this lease so I can’t just kick her out, that’s why I said if we’re going to both be here anyways why not try and do everything we can to make it work one last time. And if it doesn’t by the end of 10 months then it’ll be easier to move on bc I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
> Maybe that makes me weak if after this month I gave her another chance to be loyal and get her to fall back in love with me by showing her what I’m truly capable of but i don’t really care.. I deeply love her and we’re best friends, when we’re good I know there’s no other person who can make her laugh or get along with her as well as we do. I know this is a crazy love story but what if we got through it and never looked back? What if this made us stronger than ever?
> I’m not saying I’m going to sit her a wait on what he’s going to do, but if it doesn’t work out, all I’m saying is I’m going to be here anyways, I’m not leaving my home with my kids, misewell try and see if we really are meant to be...


*Damn! *

You have ceded control of everything to two people who have proven to be the lowest form of human life. You're letting the least trustworthy people in your life determine your fate. STAND UP and be accountable to yourself!!! Develop at least a little self respect, because right now you have NONE whatsoever. 

She is not going to "fall back in love with you." You are truly delusional if you think there's any possibility of that. Let's get something very basic straight here. Once the other guy doesn't leave his wife and yours comes back to you, *it doesn't mean she's fallen back in love with you. * It means her plan A failed and she's settling for plan B.... that is not love. And she's proven that you can't even expect to be plan B for long... she'll do this again, both because you've proven you're not up to the task of walking away, and because that's who she is.


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## Yeswecan

Colorado23 said:


> I didn’t, I told her I’m not going to sit her and let her do that to me


Cut and run bro. Cut and run. You really don't need this crap. Oh, before you do. Pack her things and drop them off at the dealership. Right on the OM sales desk. Then drop her right behind her things. Tell OM good luck. Hope his W is agreeable to the new living arrangements.

Don't be a tool bag.


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## manfromlamancha

Colorado23 said:


> Last night I told her we’re going to take a break, we’re not together right now, I’m going to focus on myself while she sees if this man will leave his wife before this month is over. At the end of the month if he doesn’t leave his wife and I decide to get back with her then we’re going to try and make this work for the next 10 months and give it until are lease ends on this apartment, it’s the least we can do for these kids and our own peace of mind, she’ll see what im truly capable of and if she still doesn’t fall back in love with me than we can happily go our own ways.
> I can’t go on without knowing if we can truly work while I never got to really put her on the pedestal she’s always deserved or how I should’ve acted from the beginning. I’ve always been immature and just didn’t take the blessings that came into my life seriously...this pain and whole situation has truly opened my eyes, and made me better. You guys don’t know how ****ty to her I would be sometimes, when I thought she was talking to much I would give her that vibe that I wanted her to be quiet, or I would focus more on playing the game or my phone than giving her the attention she was waiting for or express my feeling or communicate better, I just wouldn’t surprise her for no reason or notice little things or would always forget to do something, she would tell me all these things and I would do it for a little bit then go back to my old ways, I didn’t take time to truly reflect on my behavior and bad habits to change it.
> She’s really is a good girl, just made a mistake, this isn’t who she is. We were once crazy in love, I should’ve married her 4 years ago but didn’t bc I was afraid of commitment but I messed it up by pushing her away by not doing the simple things she asked of me, each time I did that it made her build a wall higher and higher. I know that love is still there...I know he’s not going to leave his wife, and maybe if he does they will go on and do there own thing, and I will go my way and look for someone to never make them feel like I made her feel and find someone truly loyal. It’s all really hard..
> I told her that I can’t just sit her and allow her to use me while she picks at the end of the month, she told me she’s given me so many chances to change, she’s stayed with me bc she was thinking about my feelings, the least I can do for her is this, but I told her that makes me weak for hoping he leaves his wife so we have a chance.
> So we’re on a break, I’m starting to accept the reality that we’re eventually going to break up, both of our names is on this lease so I can’t just kick her out, that’s why I said if we’re going to both be here anyways why not try and do everything we can to make it work one last time. And if it doesn’t by the end of 10 months then it’ll be easier to move on bc I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be.
> Maybe that makes me weak if after this month I gave her another chance to be loyal and get her to fall back in love with me by showing her what I’m truly capable of but i don’t really care.. I deeply love her and we’re best friends, when we’re good I know there’s no other person who can make her laugh or get along with her as well as we do. I know this is a crazy love story but what if we got through it and never looked back? What if this made us stronger than ever?
> I’m not saying I’m going to sit her a wait on what he’s going to do, but if it doesn’t work out, all I’m saying is I’m going to be here anyways, I’m not leaving my home with my kids, misewell try and see if we really are meant to be...



This incredibly and unbearably weak. You are conceding the power to decide to these two specimens?

First of all, do you at the very least accept that they have been f***ing ? You cannot be so naive as to believe that a POS would stay interested for 9 months with nothing in return (they are not 12 yo schoolchildren). If you accept that they have been screwing, then why are you waiting to see who she picks. You need to dump her and get your ducks for custody etc in a row asap.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Don't be a willing ****. It will do you no good in this wrecked marriage or for your own self respect. 

She is essentially fking some other dude in the other room and you are waiting outside for him to finish while wondering if it would be rude to knock on the door to see if he is done plowing her yet... drop the ho.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Real Talk.

You made mistakes, a large majority on this board have as well. One thing we all tend to agree on, even if we disagree on reconciliation or divorce, is not waiting or trying to fix things when an affair partner is still in the mix. Don’t wait. Honestly, go to the lease office and find out what you can do to break the lease. There can give you suggestions that may or may not negatively impact your credit. I went in to my apartment complex, explained the situation, they gave me a reasonable fee amount and I broke my lease. It never showed up on my credit report, but I didn’t care. 

You need to go do you 100%. No, not like the weakness shown in your post, but like you love yourself as much as your girlfriend. I mean you, not “me for 30 days”, but “me to be a better man with or without her for the rest of my life.”

I waited for my ex-fiancé to make up her mind, she gave me probably a similar speech that you received. I say that because your self blame sounds like my thinking. It took me a year to realize “sure, I could be better,” but nope I wasn’t a Ogre neglecting his fiancé. Sure I was immature at times, I forgot things as well, but I worked my ass off to provide for a stay at home mom. 

If not being perfect is the case for cheating, then I should have divorced my wife or had a hall pass to cheat when she forgot our actual anniversary date.......... A year after we were married. 


I was called a cheater because I didn’t wait for my ex to decide when it was over. Nope, forget that BS. It took me two times catching her on double dates to realize the level of disrespect. Guess what, I didn’t even throw it in her face when we officially _by her decree_ broke up. I was done. Like you, I guilted myself into staying because I wanted my daughter to have a mother and father. 

Weird that she still had a mother and father, she just ended up with 2 moms. Life still turned out pretty damn good. I could convincingly argue I came out better, but that would be very petty on my part.


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## lovelygirl

Colorado23 said:


> I didn’t, I* told *her I’m not going to sit her and let her do that to me


Exactly. You merely TOLD her. But you didn't ACT! You didn't go through with what you meant! 

You're still there.

She's still doing it to you.


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