# I don't know what to do..



## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

Hello.. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. We have two children. I have been struggling .. My husband is a good man .. he works very hard, and has a good heart and he loves me very much. I feel like a cold rotten person because for some reason, I'm just not happy. We've had discussions about this.. I just don't feel emotionally attached at all. Our living arrangement for the last several years has been unique ... he works in the city and only is with me and the kids on the weekends. I think I've gotten used to being on my own and independent. When he comes home on the weekend, I feel my anxiety level go way up. I haven't been interested in him physically in years. Don't get me wrong, my husband is in great shape and he's handsome. I just don't feel mentally connected. And it's so hard to get past that. He has a big presence.. very loud, boisterous, likes to be the center of attention. He so wants my attention, and I try to avoid giving it to him when he's here. It's like his personality just gets on my nerves so much at times. I have little patience for him. We still have sex most weekends, but I only do it to make him happy.. I'm so not into it. 

At this point, my husband is very sad. We've been having some major talks about our relationship. He feels my lack of interest in him. I've been pretty honest with him.. He's worried about the relationship and asked me if I think I will want to stay married, or am I just staying in the relationship until the kids are out on their own (my older child is going to college this Fall), or do I want to stay married. I told him that I don't want to do anything rash, but that living the way we are right now isn't fair to him or to me. I feel like I'm just not in love with him anymore, and I told him that. I told him that when he comes home on the weekends that I feel so anxious. I was very honest with him. I told him that we should consider marriage counseling.. maybe it would give us some insight. He's lukewarm on the idea of marriage counseling.. He doesn't really like the idea but he'd be willing. I'm just afraid at this point that I'm not going to be able to change how I feel about him. But I know it's worth a try to get some outside help.

I just wanted to see if anyone out there is in a similar situation and could share their insight...

Thank you...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Do you actually do anything together?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Danielle321 said:


> my husband is very sad.
> He feels my lack of interest in him. I've been pretty honest with him..
> living the way we are right now isn't fair to him or to me


In my own marriage, I have the role of your husband, and my wife is uninterested. It is quite clear to me that I am a "plan B".... she would prefer to be married to someone else, sexually, but emotionally, I am the proper "crutch", I'm a "good provider", etc. etc. I say this only to provide the backdrop - this may not be the case for you.

She has a similar complaint to yours.... I am not physically away, I have a home office.... but we don't "do things" together. She is a cat mom, and spends most of her waking hours trying to "get homes" for stray cats. While this is altruistically noble, (and, I love her good heart, I wholeheartedly approve in caring for God's creatures), it forces me to bear the 100% share of supporting us. At 68, employers just don't want to pay for you. They love to have your expertise and experience, as long as they can get it cheap. Takes a lot of hours. But, fortunately, I feel needed and wanted by my employer.

Let me brutally honest about myself. Feeling like "plan B", I have little interest in spending time with her. There's nothing "in it" for me. I bury myself in my office, in work, because there's no "reward" - I don't share her interest in fostering cats, and the pressure of making ends meet "wins:.

She doesn't refuse to have sex with me. But, I can tell, she really isn't into it. When we're affectionate, it's always me who is the initiator.

I don't know if there's any insight there for you. I'd like to help, and see myself as a parallel to your husband.



Danielle321 said:


> I just don't feel mentally connected. And it's so hard to get past that.


Did you ever feel "mentally connected" ? And, explain what this means to you.......


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I feel sorry for your husband he’s just a paycheck to you. Have you ever given any thought to how you would manage without him financially? Do you work?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

It is virtually impossible to be connected (mentally or otherwise) with someone you spend less than 29% of your available time with.
You (and the kids) are disconnected with him and vice versa.
Was this living arrangement meant to be temporary, or otherwise?
Sometimes, people have to do what is needed to make a living, but this should have been a short term situation.
I spent 28 years working 60 miles or more away from home. I didn't want to move. However, I drove back and forth and was home with my wife every evening.
Both of you truly don't know each other right now and probably won't know if reconnecting is possible unless you share a house.
Is it possible for him to find a job closer? Is it possible for you to move there?
It is easy to see why things are the way they are between the two of you. Save the MC fee and try to position yourselves so you can live together, and give things some time. If you cannot reconnect, seek help or go your separate ways. Best of luck.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I've always said (and firmly believe) that when a woman is done, she's done.

And you're done.

It's not something you actively made happen or hoped would happen, your situation pretty much just made it happen.

Someone else asked if you work, because if you do decide to go your own way, you'll need to be able to support yourself.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Danielle321 said:


> I haven't been interested in him physically in years.


Does this mean that years ago, you were ?

My wife was..... but, life happened.....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, in order to meet one another's emotional needs and sustain a romantically loving relationship, a couple needs to spend somewhere around 15 hours every week together, just the two of them, doing fun date-like things they both enjoy. I'm guessing that you and your husband don't do this, and likely haven't in years. Instead, you have essentially built two separate lives that you then try to re-mesh for 2 days every weekend. There's little wonder you don't feel close to him. You two in reality, _aren't _close - physically or emotionally. One partner being away the majority of the time (working, deployed, etc.) is a recipe for detachment and an unhappy marriage. It's also a high-risk environment for affairs, for both you and him. 

I think it may be possible to salvage your marriage. But it's going to take work. And the first step is going to have to be that the two of you live in the same house, full-time. Can you and the children move closer to where your husband works? Can he take a job closer to home so he's home every night? If you and your husband don't start spending meaningful quality time together having fun, then your marriage is essentially over.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

TJW said:


> In my own marriage, I have the role of your husband, and my wife is uninterested. It is quite clear to me that I am a "plan B".... she would prefer to be married to someone else, sexually, but emotionally, I am the proper "crutch", I'm a "good provider", etc. etc. I say this only to provide the backdrop - this may not be the case for you.
> 
> She has a similar complaint to yours.... I am not physically away, I have a home office.... but we don't "do things" together. She is a cat mom, and spends most of her waking hours trying to "get homes" for stray cats. While this is altruistically noble, (and, I love her good heart, I wholeheartedly approve in caring for God's creatures), it forces me to bear the 100% share of supporting us. At 68, employers just don't want to pay for you. They love to have your expertise and experience, as long as they can get it cheap. Takes a lot of hours. But, fortunately, I feel needed and wanted by my employer.
> 
> ...


I think, looking back at our years together, that I probably was never completely connected. I didn't take the time to think about this when we got married.. right after marriage.. kids.. kids take up so much time and energy that you just kind of go along and forget about yourself and what you want and if you're happy. We don't have big fights, but we do argue. I find his tone annoying, I find his loudness annoying, and I find him embarassing to be with in the presence of other people at times.. I'm never sure what is going to come out of his mouth, or if he's going to cut people off when they're talking to make his own point. He's a very big presence.. but with that comes a very big heart and a noble way of seeing the world. I feel so guilty that I'm not more connected .. it's hard to try and be connected because I get annoyed with him, or just feel anxious in his company. I care for him, but I am not attracted to him.. at all.. anymore.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

Rowan said:


> OP, in order to meet one another's emotional needs and sustain a romantically loving relationship, a couple needs to spend somewhere around 15 hours every week together, just the two of them, doing fun date-like things they both enjoy. I'm guessing that you and your husband don't do this, and likely haven't in years. Instead, you have essentially built two separate lives that you then try to re-mesh for 2 days every weekend. There's little wonder you don't feel close to him. You two in reality, _aren't _close - physically or emotionally. One partner being away the majority of the time (working, deployed, etc.) is a recipe for detachment and an unhappy marriage. It's also a high-risk environment for affairs, for both you and him.
> 
> I think it may be possible to salvage your marriage. But it's going to take work. And the first step is going to have to be that the two of you live in the same house, full-time. Can you and the children move closer to where your husband works? Can he take a job closer to home so he's home every night? If you and your husband don't start spending meaningful quality time together having fun, then your marriage is essentially over.


Well.. where our house is, there are not good paying jobs. I'm in the woods. So I don't see my husband being able to change his job so that he can live here. It's just not possible financially. The home we chose is in a good school district, so I wouldn't even consider moving to the city where my husband is for work.. my kids are flourshing here.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

TJW said:


> Does this mean that years ago, you were ?
> 
> My wife was..... but, life happened.....


Maybe in the very beginning.. but I think for the most part of the last 20+ years , I have not been into the sexual part of the relationship.. and as time goes on , it gets harder and harder to just pretend.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I've always said (and firmly believe) that when a woman is done, she's done.
> 
> And you're done.
> 
> ...


Yes... that's my thinking too ... it's hard to back peddle.. It's really sad that this is where we are. I hate to be the one to break up the family but I know my husband is suffering .. and of course I'm not happy either.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

Rowan said:


> OP, in order to meet one another's emotional needs and sustain a romantically loving relationship, a couple needs to spend somewhere around 15 hours every week together, just the two of them, doing fun date-like things they both enjoy. I'm guessing that you and your husband don't do this, and likely haven't in years. Instead, you have essentially built two separate lives that you then try to re-mesh for 2 days every weekend. There's little wonder you don't feel close to him. You two in reality, _aren't _close - physically or emotionally. One partner being away the majority of the time (working, deployed, etc.) is a recipe for detachment and an unhappy marriage. It's also a high-risk environment for affairs, for both you and him.
> 
> I think it may be possible to salvage your marriage. But it's going to take work. And the first step is going to have to be that the two of you live in the same house, full-time. Can you and the children move closer to where your husband works? Can he take a job closer to home so he's home every night? If you and your husband don't start spending meaningful quality time together having fun, then your marriage is essentially over.


We did have a big heart to heart talk this week, and we decided that we will both give it our best to try and spend quality time together this weekend, and try and reconnect. I am trying to have an open mind, and want the marriage to work, just hope it's possible..


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You're not the first person to feel this way about your spouse. Congratulations on being mature enough (with a solid moral code) to realize you're not happy and it may be fixable vs just blowing up your marriage with self destructive behavior.

I suggest you initially seek IC (better if he agrees on MC) to start (explore why you feel the way you do and what to do about it); and then consider 'inviting' your husband to join later after you've decided what you want to do. 

I sure there's a lot of books that may also help you get the most out of IC.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Living for years apart - most marriages would not survive that. You have your life, he has his life. It is less time together than with roommate.

I think you are done.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Danielle321 said:


> spend quality time together this weekend, and try and reconnect. I am trying to have an open mind, and want the marriage to work, just hope it's possible..


Good for you....if it is to be found, it will be found on the "track" you've chosen. Personally, I think it is possible, and I think it is worth the effort. You otherwise have a good life.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Danielle321 said:


> ... I wouldn't even consider moving to the city where my husband is for work.. my kids are flourshing here.


Would they continue to flourish through their parents divorce and break up of the family?

I agree that usually, when a woman is done, she's done. I also don't think you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do, not only is it a useless emotion, it implies intent - and neither you or your husband intended for this to happen.

However, I also feel that you owe it to your husband to do everything you can to try to save the marriage. You took vows with him, you committed to him. He's your husband, he's not cheated, there's been no abuse. He deserves the chance to try to make it right.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Should have added - the situation as it is, is not sustainable for your marriage and family. Both you and your husband are going to have to make big changes for it to work. That will likely mean either you move to him, or he gets a job closer to home with lower pay, and you go back to work.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I've always said (and firmly believe) that when a woman is done, she's done.
> 
> And you're done.
> 
> ...


When a man is done he is not? I don't understand the qualifier.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I suggest you work at it a little try to go back to those years when you did have the spark and try to recapture it, but if you can't then don't hang on. What happens when he is away and you do meet someone who you are into. This is one of the ways good people go wrong. Temptation is a very hard thing and it's hard to keep a marriage when you really aren't into it. Hell it can be hard when you are.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Do you work? What do you do for fun? What do you guys do together for fun?

What have you done for yourself? What are your goals for the future?

I think you might be bored living in the woods. Yeah it's good for the kids but bad for the marriage. 

Go see a therapist and see how it goes. Good luck!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

sokillme said:


> When a man is done he is not? I don't understand the qualifier.


Speaking in generalities -- there does seem to be a big difference between men and women when it comes to "being done." I think that women are more likely to keep trying even when they are not happy, but all the while drifting away emotionally. By the time they realize they actually CAN get out, they are completely detached emotionally and the guy is only JUST waking up to how deeply unhappy they are, (even if they've been telling him and telling him). At that point the man may be willing to make drastic changes to keep the woman but she's lost that loving feeling and even though she logically wants to give him a chance, her love has turned off and she can't bring it back with sheer willpower. She's DONE.

I think men, in general, have a simpler, more logical approach to relationships. If you can enjoy each other's company, have regular sex, get along, the guys happy. What's not to love? If that stops, he's unhappy, but if he tells the woman why he is unhappy - she's unkempt, rude, bossy, lazy, mean, drinks too much, spends too much, etc. -- and she is willing to change, problem solved and he becomes happy again. (as long as she's not done irreparable damage -- not a lying, cheating *****...) 

The type of things women, at least this one, are unhappy about are more elusive. He's hard to talk to, you don't FEEL loved, you don't FEEL connected, you don't FEEL respected, there's no warmth/romance left, etc. You tell him what you want/need but he just doesn't do it until you're truly ready to walk. Then all of the sudden he takes you seriously and wants to change. But the woman is not bluffing. She's DONE.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Danielle321 said:


> Hello.. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. We have two children. I have been struggling ..


I think it is admirable that you are being honest with him and looking for help instead of just walking.

I think spending FUN time together can be a huge help. The weekend is a great idea, but don't expect one weekend to restore the love. It is very hard to feel connected when you are apart as much as you two are. And without the feeling of connection, you have no intimacy. I think women often need more connection more than men.

When you think back to the beginning -- do you remember feeling self conscious about his unfiltered, boisterous ways? Or did you like that about him? or just not really notice it? What attracted you to him? Can you try to focus on those qualities again for awhile?

But if you realize you are not going to be happy, then I think you should cut your losses as quickly as possible. Dragging it out just extends the pain and postpone the time when you both can get on with your lives. 

Consider the impact of divorce seriously though. You say your children are thriving and you won't move closer to where he works. If you divorce, will you be able to keep the house and raise the kids there? How will the divorce impact your children's ability to "thrive"? Maybe he's gone so much you don't think they will feel much different. But things will change forever. Think holidays, graduations, marriages, grandchildren... I would not stay together for those things alone but it would be tragically ironic if you divorced because you two weren't willing to sacrifice things to be together and then you ended up losing the things you wouldn't sacrifice anyhow.

If you're going to try to make it work I would recommend:
1. Spend as much pleasant time together as you possibly can for awhile to see if the closeness returns.
2. Read the books "His Needs Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" by Dr. Willard Harley and see if they help.

If you determine you just can't do it, end things sooner rather than later.

Good luck and God Speed.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think @Tdbo and @She'sStillGotIt have both hit the nail on the head. 
Lack of time together has obliterated the emotional connection. He probably feels he has done well for the family, working hard to provide them with a good life (many men do this and think this). 
Meanwhile wifey is able to stay home (lucky her) and bring up the kids and do everything else needed to run a household, alone and without the support of a partner. It is a recipe for disaster. She feels neglected, neglect (unintentional or intentional) kills all the love. He feels rejected as he works so hard for her.
Added to this is the years of him being away and probably at some points in that history you have wondered whether he was getting some of his needs met when he is living away ( a question many wives would ask). This has led to the current scenario. I guess the marriage died some time ago due to neglect. A marriage is like a garden, if it is not tended to and watered, it dies and I am not talking about sex alone.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

sokillme said:


> When a man is done he is not? I don't understand the qualifier.


It is a particular phrase common in wives leaving their husbands.









'Walkaway Wives' Hit the Point of No Return


Carolyn Baber had been married to Daniel Baber for 16 years when she decided to walk away from the relationship in 1997.




www.latimes.com













The Walkaway Wife Syndrome


Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. This is why.




www.psychologytoday.com





The OP doesn't and hasn't cared about her husband as a husband for several years. She's probably going to leave him eventually while he's more likely to try to stick it out. He'll probably feel like it is a bit of a surprise, not necessarily that it happened but that it is happening on a particular day. It has been steady state bad for a while and there probably won't be a big event (other than The Talk (TM)) that brings about the end of the relationship.

In all seriousness, it sounds like the OP is using the husband a bit. He has to work far away to provide her and her children with a particular lifestyle. He gets few of the benefits of the higher income since the house he pays for isn't where he actually lives the majority of time. If she cared for her husband, it would have been a priority for her to either live closer to where he worked or to have a lifestyle supportable by jobs where she lives.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

What a difficult situation. 

To recover the relationship you should think about stopping the working away from home. Otherwise it is likely to be impossible. You need time together.



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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Danielle321 said:


> Well.. where our house is, there are not good paying jobs. I'm in the woods. So I don't see my husband being able to change his job so that he can live here. It's just not possible financially. The home we chose is in a good school district, so I wouldn't even consider moving to the city where my husband is for work.. my kids are flourshing here.


@Danielle321

I see you keep saying "my" kids are flourishing here, not "our" kids.

Is there a reason for that?

Your H has been working, and caring for the family since jump street, and I can tell you he's looking forward to not having to be on the run all the time and when the pressure eases a bit as his children grow and family matures.

Maybe looking forward to empty nesting.

There comes a time in every man's life that he kind of sees some light, especially if he dove right in early in life working hard to give his W and family a solid life.

For so long a man just knows each day he's got to make things happen, so he can keep W and family fed, clothed, if he chose a W that wanted to be a SAHM, and counted on him.

Now, when he's counting on you, you are going to say thanks for the good life, cya?

That's too often the case, it does happen, and that's sad.

I see your actions as betrayals of the worst kind. Some will agree, some will not.

If you need to leave, to find yourself, as I read you now say you never really felt connected ie rewriting history, do it right.

Now you work for the next 20yrs to pay him back half of every paycheck he brought home.

Fair's fair.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I suggest you work at it a little try to go back to those years when you did have the spark and try to recapture it, but if you can't then don't hang on. What happens when he is away and you do meet someone who you are into. This is one of the ways good people go wrong. Temptation is a very hard thing and it's hard to keep a marriage when you really aren't into it. Hell it can be hard when you are.


Sadly, there are some signs the OP has already met someone.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sadly, there are some signs the OP has already met someone.


That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read her initial post. It sounds to me like the story as long as time...was a wife, had kids, became a mother and quit her job as a wife.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Danielle321 said:


> Well.. where our house is, there are not good paying jobs. I'm in the woods. So I don't see my husband being able to change his job so that he can live here. It's just not possible financially. The home we chose is in a good school district, so I wouldn't even consider moving to the city where my husband is for work.. my kids are flourshing here.


This answer says much, and it is not necessarily good.
After reading this, I'd say that you need to ask yourself some hard and emotional questions:
1. Do you love your husband, or do you love the lifestyle he provides you?
2. How important is family to you?
If there are not good paying jobs where you live, why are you living there?
What is wrong with living a lifestyle that corresponds with the area you live in?
How much does it cost your husband to live in the city? That has to cost some coin. How much does that reduce his income? After that reduction, what would be the difference in income between the two venues?
Do you work? How much income do you bring in?
What changes in your lifestyle could you make to still live comfortably, but allow your family to be together?
*"It's just not possible financially." *Anything is possible financially, it's all just a matter of priorities. Is your husband a priority? Is your family a priority? Is your children having a full time father a priority?
*"The home we chose is in a good school district." *There aren't any "Good school districts" between where you live and the city? I'm sure one can be found, if it is a priority. If it meant the kids could have an intact family, I'm sure they would make the adjustment.
*"....so I wouldn't even consider moving to the city where my husband is for work."* This says it all, in so many ways. I was somewhat in the same boat as your husband before I retired. The last place I worked was 62 miles away from where we lived. When I took the job, my wife who was a nurse and really liked where she worked, offered to quit her job and have us pick up and move to be closer to my work. She was willing to make that sacrifice ( including moving away from her family who she is extremely close to) for me. The fact that you wouldn't even entertain that, or even look at a mid point that would enable him to keep his job and allow for a full time intact family speaks volumes.
*"...my kids are flourishing here." *They are? They don't have a full time Father. They don't have a father 71% of the time.
Somehow, I feel for your husband and your kids and what they are missing.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s exactly what I was thinking when I read her initial post. It sounds to me like the story as long as time...was a wife, had kids, became a mother and quit her job as a wife.


Either that or she is extremely selfish.
It appears to be all about her and ".....her feels."


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@*Danielle321*

Was the decision to have you stay home and raise children while your husband worked a mutual one? 

How long has your husband been doing the Mon-Friday work away schedule?

Sadly your situation is not unusual considering your husband's work schedule. Drifting apart happens in long term marriages even in the best of circumstances. It's guaranteed in situations like yours where you only see your spouse on the weekends. 

Couples change and grow apart. Keeping both of you on the same path takes work and communication. It sounds like you've both built up your lives independent of the other, and with the exception of finances, there's little to no overlap or emotional connection. 

It takes two people to fix a marriage. You're doing the right thing by communicating your unhappiness and recommending marriage counseling. It is now in his court to decide whether it is something he wants to do. You said he had a lukewarm response but would do it if necessary. Take him up on the offer and give it one last shot to save the marriage. A good marriage counselor will be able to advise you on ways to reconnect with each other. A good marriage counselor will also tell you two are too far gone to save the marriage. 

Whatever you do, do not get involved with someone else to fill the void. Divorce your husband guilt-free knowing that you did all you could to save the marriage. 

And if all fails and you still choose divorce, stop thinking of it as "breaking up your family". Your oldest is an adult and your youngest is probably close to it. Don't be a martyr. Life is too short to be miserable.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have to wonder if the marriage was EVER close.. no way in hell I’d be ok with a weekend husband, ever. Also it does sound selfish that house has been so important to you that you’ve chosen it over having your husband. 

Give the MC a try and see what comes of it, although I am leaning towards the thought that divorcing him would be doing him a huge favor at this point. 


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> I feel sorry for your husband he’s just a paycheck to you. Have you ever given any thought to how you would manage without him financially? Do you work?


Well that's pretty cold... I feel sorry for him too because I care about him. I work, and I am not worried about the financial part .. I have support from family as well.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have to wonder if the marriage was EVER close.. no way in hell I’d be ok with a weekend husband, ever. Also it does sound selfish that house has been so important to you that you’ve chosen it over having your husband.
> 
> Give the MC a try and see what comes of it, although I am leaning towards the thought that divorcing him would be doing him a huge favor at this point.
> 
> ...


Umm ... I don't think it was selfish at all. We decided, together, to buy the house we are in for the sake of our kids. I don't even like where I live.. middle of woods but it's our kids and their happiness and education that we put first.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

sokillme said:


> I suggest you work at it a little try to go back to those years when you did have the spark and try to recapture it, but if you can't then don't hang on. What happens when he is away and you do meet someone who you are into. This is one of the ways good people go wrong. Temptation is a very hard thing and it's hard to keep a marriage when you really aren't into it. Hell it can be hard when you are.


Yes, my husband and I have been having a lot of conversations, and I have been honest with him about my feelings. Both of us don't want to just give up. I do care about him, and it kills me that I'm hurting his feelings. Hoping the more we talk, and spend time together, maybe we can get past this.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

Robert22205 said:


> You're not the first person to feel this way about your spouse. Congratulations on being mature enough (with a solid moral code) to realize you're not happy and it may be fixable vs just blowing up your marriage with self destructive behavior.
> 
> I suggest you initially seek IC (better if he agrees on MC) to start (explore why you feel the way you do and what to do about it); and then consider 'inviting' your husband to join later after you've decided what you want to do.
> 
> I sure there's a lot of books that may also help you get the most out of IC.


Yes, I'm definitely going to seek some counseling, and see where it goes. Thank you for your thoughtful message.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

frusdil said:


> Would they continue to flourish through their parents divorce and break up of the family?
> 
> I agree that usually, when a woman is done, she's done. I also don't think you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do, not only is it a useless emotion, it implies intent - and neither you or your husband intended for this to happen.
> 
> However, I also feel that you owe it to your husband to do everything you can to try to save the marriage. You took vows with him, you committed to him. He's your husband, he's not cheated, there's been no abuse. He deserves the chance to try to make it right.


I agree ... he does deserve a chance.. he's a good man .. I wouldn't feel right to not try at least to save the marriage.


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

pastasauce79 said:


> Do you work? What do you do for fun? What do you guys do together for fun?
> 
> What have you done for yourself? What are your goals for the future?
> 
> ...


Thank you very much !


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## Danielle321 (Feb 14, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> I think it is admirable that you are being honest with him and looking for help instead of just walking.
> 
> I think spending FUN time together can be a huge help. The weekend is a great idea, but don't expect one weekend to restore the love. It is very hard to feel connected when you are apart as much as you two are. And without the feeling of connection, you have no intimacy. I think women often need more connection more than men.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your advice, and taking the time to reply in detail. I will take your advice.. We are planning to try to spend quality time together.. and do some fun things. I will look into those books you recommended, and I am going to look into seeking therapy to help untangle some of my thoughts and feelings. Again, thank you for reaching out.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think you and your husband fell into a very common trap. By your own admission, you put what was best for the children first. And that's something that seems admirable on its face. But it's also a recipe for a failed marriage. Putting the kids first, above the marriage, is _not_ actually the ideal way to raise happy, well-adjusted, emotionally healthy kids. 

What is truly best for your children is to have a happy and emotionally healthy set of parents to model a great, loving, warm, intimate marital relationship for them. 

You and your husband have chosen to give up the happy, healthy, loving marriage that would be of great emotional benefit to your children in exchange for a school district. But the school district shouldn't be raising your children. And your kids won't model their future marital relationships on what they see their teachers doing or on that awesome variety of electives and AP offerings. They will model their future romantic relationships on _what they're seeing you and your husband act out for them_. Which is a distant, strained, cool, annoyed couple who don't really even seem to like one another all that much anymore. 

Do you really want your kids thinking this is what a marriage "should" look like? Because this relationship, with it's distance and tension, is what they're going to carry into the future as their pattern for what is normal.

The fact that you won't even consider any options besides the status quo tells me that there's a VAST amount of work that will need to be done on your marriage. Start with _Lovebusters_ by W. Harley. Don't just read it with an eye to all the ways your husband is lovebusting you. Think about how you are lovebusting your husband and your marriage and do the work to stop. Then read _His Needs, Her Needs_ by the same author. Don't just read it and look for ways to get your husband to meet your needs. Think about all the ways you could meet your husband's needs and do the work to start. After that, ask your husband to read both books with you, and both keep doing the work. But start by cleaning up your side of the street first.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Danielle321 said:


> Thank you so much for your advice, and taking the time to reply in detail. I will take your advice.. We are planning to try to spend quality time together.. and do some fun things. I will look into those books you recommended, and I am going to look into seeking therapy to help untangle some of my thoughts and feelings. Again, thank you for reaching out.


Honestly, give this a go, but if your husband were here I'd tell him this is pointless and maybe even cruel.

You were never actually into him to begin with, but you married him and had kids anyway. Those are your words, not mine. Honestly, this was a lack of introspection on your part at best, and selfishness at worst. It's up to you to decide which one it was. Giving him false hope now is perhaps cruel. So when you do this, do this with his best intentions in mind, not yours. You say you care about him, and I do believe you do, but it's clear that your caring has fairly tight limits.

If you were to stand back and think about him, with caring as your basis, are you ever _really _going to be able to offer him a happy marriage? Are you ever going to _really _be his life partner? Passion? Are you ever really going to be good wife to him? Have you ever really been?

Or is the best case scenario here really that you'll stay and put in time? Is that really caring?

I think your decision around marrying someone that you clearly weren't into in the beginning is a key component here. Honestly, it seems like you married him because of what he offered, not who he was. Maybe that's wrong. I hope that's wrong.


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