# Should I be as mad as I am for husband not caring how I feel?



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Ok, this is a long drawn out story over a 20 year marriage, however, I will just get to current event...
What would you do or how should I react..
I have been disabled since 2003, my husband blames me daily for it. Just recently child protective services has entered our life (did their damage and are now gone) and they have lied on top of lied on top of lied. This has inadvertently caused my husband to lose his job after 24 1/2 years being employed at the same company.
Well, my husband works with 5 women and 3 men. Of the women, for the past 3 years at this location has talked so much about 1 woman my 15 year old daughter asked if my husband was seeing her. well I assured my daughter he wasn't. Then there is MB and LL and KV. KV is a lesbian in which both my husband and her feel and act like brothers. She did a major thing for me this year and I owe her my life for it and will forever be indebted to her for that. HOWEVER, KV occassionally texts my husband, MB maybe 1 time a month, LL rarely. 
My husband a few times had complained to me about KV, MB and LL at lunch in the lunch room that KV texts and will not talk unless talked to, that MB and LL just sit and say nothing unless my husband is carrying the conversation.
My husband quit his job in July and refused to tell anyone. I told him he needed to and not just walk out, well he finally told them 4 days prior to his last day. For 2 days they were mad and didn't speak to him, then after that they did.
So, then the VERY FIRST DAY after he quit, at 9:30 am MB texted him, she texted him about 6 times that day. LL I think texted once. 
Second day, 9:30 am, text from MB,
Third day 9:30 am text from MB
while my husband was on vacation that first week I thought until he got a job that would give us time to work on our marriage. However, I would be wanting to like look up things on line with him, he would be off somewhere texting her, we would be watching tv together, she would text, he would sit for hours and text her. We would be shopping, she would texting, he would walk with me, but stop shopping to text her.
His last day was on 7/10/10, this woman has ultimately caused a major fight to were we don't talk at all, why?? Because in a text message she asked him to come meet her for lunch. 
I threw a fit about it because he agreed to it. Ok, I got mad because one he told me he was sick of them that at lunch no one talks unless he is carrying the conversation and he was sick of it and that he didn't have the dency to say no, or ok, my wife and i can meet you... He was going to go have lunch with another woman while leaving me at home with my situation. He then assures me all is fine as he has no feelings for her, she would be with her grandma and 5 year old son as she doesn't drive. So I am figuring, yeah, grandma and grandson sit at one table and those 2 at another, and maybe LL join too. MB Is married. She bashes him at work all the time according to my husband. I told him I could care less, he is not taking into the fact I am disabled, I am a stay at home mom and the only conversation I have is with a 17 year old boy that argues with me from sun up to sun down, a 15 year old odd girl that lives in her own world and an autistic 12 year old boy that does not know how to play by himself. I explained I never get to go out on lunch dates and I feel we are a unit and should do things together. He then says, but you don't know her. I then replied, I don't know her but yet for 3 years you have talked about MB, LL, TW, ect on a DAILY basis to the point his kids ask me if he likes them more than us, if he is sleeping with any of them ect. I told him, if you don't want me to be part of your friendship with them then why take up hours of my day everyday telling me about this woman, this, woman, the problems MB is having with her husband, etc. He then says I am reading more into it, he laughed every time I would try to explain that I wasn't reading more into it, we are a couple and this will only drive us further apart.
So he tells MB he can't right then, too many things to do having to find a job. So then we fight more because she keeps asking every other day. So then finally we get into such a fight he then starts hiding the fact she has texted and deletes the texts so I can't read them. 
Then he tells her he can't go because I am jealous. Well I may be jealous but it is not because of her, it is because I am stuck at home all the time with a disability that prevents me enjoying life, all I have is my family and now I have these women that want to take my husband away from me. I have feared he would get tired of me not being able to do this or that that he would stray away and that is what I feel.
SO instead of conveying my feelings to her, or saying to her, well my wife and I can meet some day, he just says I am jealous and leaves it at that.
Well then she texts back and tells him I shouldn't feel jealous and that she will be good. Again, both know how I feel and now NEITHER one of them offer to bring me along.
So feeling worse, I have cried for the past 7 days, wasting what time we could of had together, she continued to text him to the point we fought so bad he left, leaving me here alone all because every time I told him how I would feel he would laugh at me. Of course this ticked me off, why can't he just listen and understand. Then I try to use examples of things in the past to get him to understand where I was coming from, then he says I just have baggage.
So now, we had a heart to heart. He then tells me, no he did not want me to come along because I interrogate him when someone says something, found out he has been propositioned by another woman at work and didn't want me to know about it. And didn't want to have to explain everything that went on by whomever a story was brought up by. Then proceeds to tell me what I have feared for a while, that my disability is causing a burden on his fun time. And he needed to see these women as he worked with them for 3 years and they didn't get to say bye properly because of the work environment.
Now I am trying to have an open mind, that is why I said, if tables were turned and I really wanted to go, I would had to the person asking me, well I will have lunch with you as long as my husband can come, FIRST and for most, just for the sake of the marriage.
So am I wrong for feeling left out and telling him he can't go? I don't want to be bossy, because we are both adults and can do what we want, I just feel we have no marriage and every time I try to fix the problems he lets someone or something invade our space.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it's a one-time lunch, I think you're reading too much into it. Maybe they had an emotional affair, maybe they didn't. But if he sees her this once, and then never sees her again, just accept it. Show him that you respect him enough to trust him.

As for you not getting to do anything, well, that is up to you. If you want to go out, go out. What is stopping you? Tell your husband you need to go out for a few hours and, as he is not working, he has parenting duty. Kiss him goodbye, and go.

As for your marriage, go to the library and get the book His Needs Her Needs. It will teach you how to get back your marriage.


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

I cannot go anywhere because I am disabled. And why would it be fair for him to go to a "one"time lunch, no it won't be a one time thing, however when they sit at lunch and he is the only one talking? Why should he want to go to lunch and sit with ex co workers that never carried on a conversation and he come home and complained to me about it, when I never get to go anywhere?? Wouldn't you feel left out if your husband chose to drive an hour out of his way to eat lunch but never offered to just up and take you out to lunch? My husband and I in 20 years have NEVER had a lunch date! Would you not think it is odd, MB has texted everyday after your husband left when in 3 years she has maybe texted 6 times? And after your husband told her no, she keeps begging to the point she had his best friend KV to text to go to lunch with KV (though MB was behind it and was going to be there) and go to a nice restaurant like Tumbleweed?
And though I don't feel there is anything going on emotional affairs do lead to a physical affair and I feel why not nip it in the bud since she has greatly changed toward him. Why would someone miss a co worker before they left? It would be different if they worked together for decades, but it is 3 years.
I just feel my time is so limited, I only get outtings from April through September, rest of the time I am home bound, it isn't fair they are taking precious time from me to be with my husband. And I don't understand why no one asked me to come along since I do know all these people, like I said, he has thrown their lives, problems, etc on to me, so why bring me into their families and then all the sudden shut me out???
Thanks


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know you want people to tell you your husband is a mean person mistreating you, but the truth is we ALL do what feels good and AVOID what feels bad. If you are what feels bad to him, he WILL avoid you.

Go online and order His Needs Her Needs and learn about making your marriage one that he will look forward to taking care of.

Question. You say you are homebound, and then you say you only get out in the spring/summer. I don't understand - can you leave the house, or not?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

My husband isn't a mean person, he just doesn't understand his family needs to come first. He went to lunch with a co worker while his daughter was sitting at home waiting on her father to take her to the doctor over her pain of scoliosis. Her daddy, instead of checking in, decided it was way more important to go to lunch with a co worker because this co worker needed to talk to him over him quitting. So what is more important, a daughter in pain or a co worker upset you quit???
I can only go outside in hot weather. I cannot go out when it gets below 70 degrees, when it snows or rains. 
I guess you think it is fair you are cooking dinner, dinner be done in 25 minutes, your husband wants to go to his sisters house, you tell him not to because dinner is almost done, he says he will be right back, you tell him he won't because they get talking and don't shut up and then you will have to eat alone. You call that dinner will be done in 5 minutes. You think he would be in the house within 7 minutes, you wait, wait and wait. Well the dinner does not keep well, so now he is an hour late, you eat alone, he comes home 2 hours after he left, is that fair, or am I reading too much into that too?? And I am not getting the book, as I feel he is wrong, a marriage cannot last on inconsideration.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course I don't think it is fair. But do you think bullying him is going to get him to 'get it?' All it will do is drive him further away.

Men: Don't read this.

Here's my theory. Boys grow up looking for fun. Girls grow up thinking about love and marriage and families. When boys marry, they EXPECT to keep having fun. No one trains them to know what to expect in marriage. It's a crap shoot. Sometimes, they get it and grow up and become a full-fledged part of the family. Sometimes they don't get it and they learn an avoid/lie/deal trait to just get by with as much 'fun' as possible and as little 'issues' as possible.

It sounds like that's the kind of husband you have. So what to do?

You BECOME the best option in his life. When you married, you WERE the best option - a wife who was fun, sexy, exciting. Then kids, illness, everything else came along, and he was left wondering whose life he ended up with.

You BECOME the best option because that way, he CHOOSES to be with you and you're not the evil wife forcing him to stay with you.

Is it fair? Maybe not. Do you want to see some consideration from him? Of course. But this is the marriage and the life and the illness you have. So find the best solution.

Look, I get it. I really do. I was over at marriagebuilders.com for a good year or two with people telling me to follow this plan; I resisted. HE was the jerk. Why should I be the one to make an effort?

Why? Because it works. 

Human nature. 

To get him to WANT to please you, you have to see what HE wants and needs, and SUPPLY it.

I finally tried it, and I saw a sea change in my husband. All along, he had been just as miserable as me. All it took was for me to make an effort to look for his Needs and supply them. He was so grateful that he turned completely around. 

Your husband can, too. But he never will if you're the 'nag,' the 'unhappy' person he can never please.


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

This is a follow up to my first post. Yes, my husband and I are still arguing over MB and LL. So since the post I tried to shrug it off, UNTIL..... Over the months I have found him texting these women and trying to hide that he was. He has been on facebook with them, so on and so fourth. Again, I tried to put it off as a friendship between them that was ended due to him quitting his job, but in the back of my mind could NEVER understand why these 3 could not just move on.....

Well, 2 weeks ago, LL replied to a post my husband wrote on FB about a friend that is dying. LL wrote how much she missed him and all this stuff. A couple of days later she emailed him a very long email. This email said much of the same, how he was an influence on her life, yada, yada, yada. She wrote that I am the one keeping them apart even though she knows I do not control him and It seems wrong for one person to take happiness away from another for any reason (meaning me not wanting him to go to lunch with them). She said she wanted my family to be a part of hers and wanted to include me on the lunch date, etc. She said that I would never allow him to a luncheon because of my dislike of his group of friends (which I have never had ill feelings toward them prior). So according to the email LL wrote he had been dogging me to his friends for a long time, he has them believe I am a *****. She further went on saying if I was reading it then I would delete it (which I have never done nor would do), then she said if I delete this and not let the man I love read it then I was a theif.....

The thing that pissed me off was he emailed her back and wrote "LL you are very perseptive" " You may had thought I left you (pertaining to a statement she wrote) but search your feelings, I am there."

So again, more messages kept from me.... Then the tip of the iceberg was the other night we were talking and he said he hasn't even spoken to them in months, but on mothers day he emailed MB and told her Happy Mothers day. 

After I told him about the email (this went to my inbox, I wasn't snooping) he then told me he had been texting to MB for at least once a week and doesn't think he lied to me as that isn't his view of "talking" to them.....

So, then I decided to contact another woman the 3 of them worked with and asked her if she thought I was reading more into it as I truly felt something just was not right, our marriage has gotten worse, our sex life is almost non existent and he blames it on his age (44), etc. So she said she would not put up with it. Well she mentioned it to MB and MB emailed me about it.

I later told my husband I searched for answers with a neutral party and this pissed him off even more. I told him if he would just talk to me about my feelings I would not have to ask others about my confusion. He again said they were only friends, nothing was going on, just a friendship that was strong and now gone.

So both MB and I talked and MB unfriended my husband on fb, this pissed my husband off more and he said he was done with me controlling his life, choosing what friends he can have, etc and wanted a divorce. (this coming from a man that flirts with at least 2 or 3 women (his employees) at each job in 20 years but I learned to deal with it because I have never caught him cheating but 10 years ago he almost did we were having a real bad time) So I said fine I will call Monday and this makes me believe more you were having an emotional affair as you want nothing to do with my feelings and you still take their feelings over mine and our kids (he gave MB a day off from work after we had a vacation day planned a year in advance for my 12 year old son). he said bull he had no feelings for her sexually, so I explained to him, we already had a rocky marriage because of the crap we have been through and I know I am not getting my emotional needs met and he probably was seeking validation outside the marriage, told him I was just trying to fix it. (have been having the same discussion since July of last year and I worked really hard to put forth the effort to make him feel loved, but he didn't me so I stopped). His excuse was because he is a Virgo and Virgos are not romantic.

So tonight he said he was going to lay it all out on the table, that he had been trying to spare my feelings for 4 years. (if she don't know she won't get hurt thing). Well MB had been making advances toward him for years, talking about she'd be in the shower but he is welcome to join, saying her butt is there for the grabbing, etc. To me, that is inappropriate period. Her husband has cheated on her and when the whole issue of what i first posted came up (texting./lunch after he left the job) I told my husband she was either seeking revenge or seeking what she didn't get from her husband and I felt he was opening the window for temptation.

So I had him read what an emotional affair is and I feel he should not be mad at me for recognizing it when I did and try to put a stop to it and he agreed to me that was what was going on but he didn't make that connection.

So now we are still talking divorce all because of the 10 month damage this has caused to an already rocky marriage in which we were supposed to be working on but he was to emotionally drawn to her.

So I wanted to tell those that said it was no biggie, well it ruined my marriage and I was right all along.


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Turnera,
To your earlier reply, how can someone be a nag when they BEG their husband to talk to them about his feelings? How can you be a nag if you aren't placing blame as both have been wronged and done wrong? You don't know our past, people that do know are surprised we are together because people don't last through such things. It is I have a husband that wants a mother, I am not his mother I am his partner and I will not act like a mother. I have the weight of everything on my shoulders and sorry I shouldn't have that. I now take care of 2 disabled kids, a mini farm, the house, bills, etc. He does nothing now but go to work and come home, chats with what few on fb are there and goes to bed. So I tell him I know what is going on, he tells me I am full of crap. I tell him all I am trying to do is fix it, he says he can't fix it as to much water under the bridge. And I told him, he can fix it, he just needs to put all his emotional energy into his family instead of his relationships outside the home. He says he can't because he doesn't know how to do that anymore. I told him we can help each other (as I am walking on egg shells around him also). So I am not nagging him, I am trying to help him while he helps me. I never said it would happen over night but he thinks that is what I want, he never hears everything I say, but it could of changed some over the past 10 months, but he just wants to argue with me "nothing is going on" but then admits tonight, "well yeah, I see it now"......


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*shrug*

You refused the advice you were given because you felt - back in July - that it was all his fault. And I said that if you take a look at your half of your marriage, see how you can make changes that result in him WANTING to make you happy. So, for the last 10 months, you say your marriage has sucked. So what has changed? Did you try to do anything differently? Did you step back and wonder what this all looks like from his side? And then see where you may have had a hand in it, where you could make changes? 

btw, it isn't YOUR place to decide what HE determines is being a nag. Just as you have the right to feel offended by him and his actions, HE has the right to feel offended by whatever it is about you that bothers him.

I see what looks like an angry woman who's not happy with her marriage. I see a husband who seems unhappy with how life has played out and finds himself getting emotionally attached to other women who DON'T embody everything he's unhappy with.

Does that get him off the hook? Of course not. But does his cheating get YOU off the hook? No. You still have responsibilities to work on finding a solution for your marriage, instead of just expecting changes from him.

fwiw, I'm just giving you the same advice that I was given years ago. And which turned out to be the right advice. I'm sorry things are turning out so bad but, honestly, what have you got to lose at this point by trying what I've suggested?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Did you read my posts at all? I AM the one that has been trying to change things. I have changed HE HASN'T. He doesn't want to work at it but yet doesn't/didn't want me to leave. He can't have it both ways. Either work with me or let me go, he can't have an emotional affair with someone and expect me to deal with the crap he has put his family though.

I never blamed HIM, I blamed outsiders that have ruined our lives and HE of all people know this. I have told him over and over again, there are things I have done wrong and things he has done wrong. We were a certain way 20 years ago and we both have changed but changed without communication.

I know what is going on, I know how to change it, to him it is all one sided, all me. To me it is the disasters in our lives. We didn't cause the destruction of our marriage what has happened to us over the years did and we both agree on that, but he blames me because I choose to try to fix those problems instead of being screwed over.


----------



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Sounds like he feels he can talk to her about his feelings and not you. Have you seen a MC?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

No, he won't go to one and I have been asking for 2 years. That is why I did the research to change the ways we are. trying to learn how to help him understand he is in the wrong without placing any blame because what happened to us happened without anything either one of us did or did to each other.

He told me last night she had been coming on to him for years, so this is really more a one sided affair, though he has and admitted to enjoying the flirting which I understand and am not really mad about, I just want him to be honest with me and not think he knows how I feel.

And yeah, he can talk more about things to others because he doesn't want any responsibility. All he thinks a mans job is is to bring home a pay check and that is not how a marriage functions and HE is the one that has to understand that.

I have been telling him for about a year that I need things and even asked if he doesn't want to let me go, doesn't want to work on our marriage can I at least have a boyfriend to get what I feel I am missing from him, well that pissed him off, but yet feels it is fair for him to get exactly what I am asking for from him from another woman.....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

to tired to care anymore said:


> Did you read my posts at all? I AM the one that has been trying to change things. I have changed HE HASN'T. He doesn't want to work at it but yet doesn't/didn't want me to leave. He can't have it both ways. Either work with me or let me go, he can't have an emotional affair with someone and expect me to deal with the crap he has put his family though.
> 
> I never blamed HIM, I blamed outsiders that have ruined our lives and HE of all people know this. I have told him over and over again, there are things I have done wrong and things he has done wrong. We were a certain way 20 years ago and we both have changed but changed without communication.
> 
> I know what is going on, I know how to change it, to him it is all one sided, all me. To me it is the disasters in our lives. We didn't cause the destruction of our marriage what has happened to us over the years did and we both agree on that, but he blames me because I choose to try to fix those problems instead of being screwed over.


 WHAT have you changed? Do you still show him you're unhappy? Do you still judge him? Do you get angry? Did you learn how you love bust him and stop doing those things? Did you learn his top 5 emotional needs and are you now meeting all 5 of them?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

I'm not the one judging. He is. I am not the one placing blame on either of us, he is. Our marriage will only get better when he learns he is no better than me, that this is not all about him, not all about me, but about us.

Why are you making this out to be all me???? It isn't all me and a woman should not be the one in the marriage coddling the man, it is a 2 way street and that is the problem he has the same mind set as you. And that is what I realized needs changed. I was not born to be his mother nor his slave and he is the one that has to realize what his role in a marriage is which he NEVER knew. His idea of what a husband is to be is to bring home a paycheck and there is more to it than that. My problem is living how he "thinks" a marriage should be. 

Now, no one is to judge anyone, we need to get on the same page and work on it from there. We have never been on the same page, no one has ever told us what our roles are supposed to be (well I know what mine are and I have been doing it all the time) but he has not understood there is more to a marriage than money. So when one of us stops feeling supported well that is when the problems start.

When we hit our first major problem that is when the communication slowed, we didn't know each other well enough to speak out without hurting one another so not to hurt each other we just stopped talking altogether.

So I have done research, looked to find what his role is what my role is and what our roles together are to be. Learned how to look at each others problems without blaming but compromising. He has to learn I am not a nag, but he can turn me into a *****, because I should never have to ask him 4 days in a row to take his laundry to the washer so I could (out of the kindness of my heart) wash his clothes. But yet, this is day 5 and they are still sitting by the bedroom door. So I have learned, I mention it 1 time a day, if it doesn't make it to the washer I don't wash it, so last night he had to wash his own work clothes.

I have learned what the word/phrase love means and that helps alot too.

Alot of what I have researched and read has opened my eyes to where I understand alot of me and him now. 

Now it is all a matter of whether or not he wants to put his emotional support in our marriage or emotionally support a friend with her messed up life.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

to tired to care anymore said:


> Why are you making this out to be all me????


You know, I've been trying to people in forums like this for years and years. And I've realized that there are different kinds of people who come to places like this. 

There are people who come who are desperate to save their marriage and will do anything they can to change the status quo.

And there are people who come who are desperate to save the marriage THEY WANT and will do anything they can...as long as it doesn't mean changing their comfort level.

Why am I making this all about you?

Because YOU are HERE, trying to find a way to make your marriage better. And because you can't MAKE your husband CHANGE. All you can do is fix YOUR SIDE, effect good boundaries, and hope your husband will like it and decide to do the same.

Without that, all you are left with is you WANTING something but having no way to make it happen.

Do you want a better marriage?

Or do you want to be right?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

to tired to care anymore said:


> I'm not the one judging. *He is*. I am not the one placing blame on either of us, *he is*. Our marriage will only get better when he learns *he is no better than me, that this is not all about him*, not all about me, but about us.
> 
> Why are you making this out to be all me???? It isn't all me and a woman should not be the one in the marriage coddling the man, it is a 2 way street and that is the problem *he has the same mind set as you*. And *that is what I realized needs changed*. I was not born to be his mother nor his slave and *he is the one that has to realize what his role in a marriage is* which he NEVER knew. His idea of what a husband is to be is to bring home a paycheck and there is more to it than that. *My problem is living how he "thinks" a marriage should be*.
> 
> ...


All I see is you finding ways to justify that YOU are the victim here and he OWES YOU.

Please tell me: why would he WANT to give you anything? Just because he married you?

Do you have ANY idea what men expect when they get married? Have you ever asked him?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

You obviously aren't getting what I am saying, why should I live in a one sided marriage? That is what you are basically saying I need to do, do you think that will make me happy? No, I should not bow down to everything his way, that is not a marriage that is a dictatorship, do you not see that?

I am one woman saying that neither of us are wrong (me and him), but then again neither are right either. We have to compromise to get through differences which I am seeing life in a whole new light now and makes more sense that what you are trying to convey.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you don't like your marriage, get out.

Stop trying to MAKE him be what he isn't, make him do what he doesn't want to do.

Explain to him what you will ACCEPT and leave the rest up to him.. 

I see you refusing to accept anything other than what you want. I see you fighting every step of the way. I see you blaming your husband for everything.

Don't you thing he's feeling the same things...on HIS side?

What have you done to make choosing YOUR side more palatable? I keep asking you what YOU have changed, but you have not answered anything.

WHAT compromises did you make?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

First off, he doesn't want that, I have offered.

Second, it is more than you know and you keep thinking he is holier than though and he isn't. 

Third I do not and have not blamed him for everything, our marriage is broken by other people, not us. What we did was try to raise our kids and fix us later, well unfortunately people kept stomping all over it to the final destruction.


He just wants it to fall into place and it won't. A marriage is a constant job, some days are easier than others, but when you have had other people destroy what you have built you have to work harder at it to preserve it.

There are no sides. There is only logic.

Things I have changed??? Well let me see...I no longer yell at him to do things, I hire people to do it or just let it sit until he does do it (for instance the laundry). I don't have him do any work around the house anymore unless it is on the weekend. I no longer ask him to cook for me, I go hungry or let him offer to cook for me. I bought lingerie and do things he prefers even though I hate. I no longer ask his input on things I am working on. I no longer have him take care of my horses. Shall I go on?


Compromises I have made a ton!


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

You must not be able to read, because as I have said before, our marriage problems are due at someone elses hands, not our own. We both are victims.

Yes, he does owe me one thing that is to TRY, just sitting doing nothing fixes nothing. One person cannot fix problems, it has to be a shared commitment.

He would want to give to me because that is a role of a husband and a friend. Have you looked up what the word love means? What the action love does? He would want to give me a divorce or the initiative to work on the marriage, he can't have me in the marriage and not work on it.

I know what he expected, a mother, he told me the reason he got married was to have someone cook and clean for him. Yes those are his words. I am not a maid, a slave or a servant nor will I be one. I will be there for him to meet him halfway in everything, fully in some. I know what the role of a husband is and the wife, we are not each others servants, we are supposed to do things out of love, because when you love someone you will do things for them because you like to make them happy. 

I think maybe you should do research in learning how to read and the roles of a marriage because you apparently have it all wrong.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

to tired to care anymore said:


> I know what he expected, a mother, he told me the reason he got married was to have someone cook and clean for him. Yes those are his words. I am not a maid, a slave or a servant nor will I be one. I will be there for him to meet him halfway in everything, fully in some.


*shrug*

Then you know what your options are. 

Divorce him and find a man who wants a PARTNER, not a MOTHER, or ACCEPT the role he puts you in.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tootired, I would suggest that, instead of aiming all your angst against me, who has no effect on your marriage (but sees it more accurately than you do), you try aiming it at the real truth of the marriage you walked into. And decide your future, based on THAT.

Are you still under the illusion that you can change him?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Why do I have to "accept", if he wants me to change somethings then I can request the same of him, in which I have. And yes, if he doesn't change to help the marriage (not me) I will be leaving, but I am trying to give him a chance to understand my feelings as I have been trying to understand his. He didn't give up on us when things went down hill so I have to do the same for him until he clears his head.

The only thing I am aiming towards you is you need to understand I came here to ask if the way I was feeling was wrong, not to dissect a marriage in which he and I both know what happened to it (and no you don't know the 18 year horrors we have faced). He seems to think sitting back and doing nothing should be fine with me and until I have him understand I do not want to live that way anymore, welll... it isn't all me.

It isn't the marriage I WALKED INTO. It is a marriage that others changed. We were sold a house fraudulently, that began the destruction and whenever we would fix one problem 20 others would arise... It is hard to live a "normal" life let alone a strong marriage when you are thrown the disasters we have had to get through.

And YES, I do think I can change him, but it isn't me changing him, it is him changing the things around him that make him unhappy, the same as I did. Set goals and do the best to achieve them, have dreams and make those happen. It is all about what you want in life, not what life has handed you.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Good grief.


----------



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I am sure I will have my head bitten off for this, but here goes 2 cents that may be worth more to you if you really want it to.

You need to stop painting a picture of victimised suffering of yourself and your marriage, this self image creates the reality you wind up living in. Your marriage is on a rapid descent and the only way you can do anything about it is to buckle down and work to correct it. 

You mention having horses, so here is an analogy for you, you are riding your horse all nice and sedate along a nice little path, suddenly it rears and bolts bush, careening over fences, thru trees and down dangerous steep hills and thru canyons threatening to wipe you off at every turn..... do you yell and swear at the horse and try to talk it into doing what you want? or do you button down hang on for dear life, work the reigns and steer it in a direction that is safer and easier, before finally slowing to a stop and calming the beast with soft words and pats on the neck.

Consider this for a little bit. Now realize that your husband is the horse, he is the one out of control for whatever reason, be it poor treatment from you, an outside influence, a personal scare for him, a pained back from carrying you and your baggage for so long, whatever..... the actions YOU need to take to get the marriage back on track is to keep your head, steer him where you can but also do your best to calm him, to ease his troubled spirit. YOU need to keep your calm, YOU cant influence where you want to be until YOU soothe the beasts hurts. Yelling, screaming and beating of the horse will not help you get where you want to go.

Calm his spirit, refill his oat bag, give him an apple or two until he regains trust in YOU. Sometimes wounds are deeper than we realize and need more TLC than others to mend. Above all else, he needs you to RESPECT him. You may not like what he is doing on some levels, do NOT focus on that. Focus on what you do like and reinforce that, let him know that you appreciate what he does. DO NOT TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE!!!! As his trust is regained and he feels that respect and responds to your positive affirmations, you will find he will do those things more, and he will do more things for you, because he is hardwired to respond to that treatment!

Try for one month, speak only positive words, thank him once a day for something that you liked him doing, do something for him purely because you can. Expect nothing in return.

When that month is up sit back and take stock of where your relationship is opposed to where it was a month ago. If he is still in it for the long haul, then you will find yourself dealing with a much more positive and happy man, who will be glad to do more little things for you..... 

BUT...... YOU have to steer that horse to the water, and just hope that he is still thirsty for it.

Best of luck.


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

OMG, I mean seriously. You people obviously can't read, I am not painting me as a victim, we both are and anyone that knows us will tell you that.

I have for 10 MONTHS, been working on the marriage, giving him treats so to say, doing extras for him and until he realized what he was doing wrong it was not going to change anything, he even said that!

Our marriage got off track by raising 3 very young kids, of which all have disabilities caused by someone else. That alone is trying for any parent in a normal environment, but we have not had a normal existence since 1992!

Yes, there are things I have done wrong, there are things he has done wrong and couples cannot work through those things until they stop blaming one another for it and come together to fix it and that was my goal in speaking with him about our problems, but first we had to TOGETHER find the core of it and I did and he agreed that it was. And I NEVER blamed him.

Everything you said doesn't make sense in this relationship. Generally marriages fall apart for infidelity or just growing apart. Our problems are rare, they made us bitter to the outside world. We and our kids should NEVER of had to live the life we have and I would of been a horrible mother if I put his feelings before trying to fix the present to give our kids a shot at a decent life.

Just don't worry about it. He and I are on the same page, my point is, a woman's intuition is more than someone reading posts. I have learned you cannot seek out advice or information with people only hearing the "gist" of what is going on. 

So had he come here and asked you the exact same thing would you of told him the same or told him I was a dog because I was seeking comfort outside the marriage?


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Oh and something else, why is it ok for the man to stray but the woman must kiss his feet day in day out? In all reality, the woman, if she was working outside the home would had probably strayed further due to the fact that EVERYTHING was dumped on her..the kids, the home, outside home, errand running, bills, school, vehicles, etc. I guess I just don't get when both a man and woman break down the marital communication it is always the womans fault, why do you feel there is ABSOLUTELY no fault on the man? Don't you think the man needs to reach out to his woman to make his woman feel special too? But it is ok for him to make another woman feel special? Do you not understand if the 2 in the marriage would open up and speak to each other that both would realize they are seeking from others outside the marriage exactly the same thing they are wanting inside the marriage.

My marriage is the whole Escape (the Pina Colada) song! we just need reconnecting, dates without kids, getting back to ourselves. Gesh


----------



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I would have a whole other list of advice "for him" but he isn't here crying about how hard done by he is in the marriage. 

I have read each and every post in this thread. You have been given some great advice, but don't want to take it because "poor you" is the victim. EVERYTHING going wrong in your life is blamed on someone else. You have accepted no responsibility for ANYTHING in your life. You pay a little lip service to the fact that you aren't perfect..... news flash sister. NO-ONE IS!!!!! 

All through your little "poor ****** me" spiel, you spew venom about how bad HE is, how everything HE does impacts you, how HE is destroying your marriage. Have you stopped to think that YOU may just have contributed to HIS unhappiness, that YOU have caused HIM grief and pain as well. 

Sounds to me like you put your kids above your husband for a lot of years, so he fell into doldrums and his outlet was work and the relationships he had there. I am not excusing his behaviour, but I cant see anything in what you write that tells me you have any respect for the man, I can't see anything in what you write that hints at you actually loving him. 

How long has he been de-prioritised to this extent by you? How long have you ignored his needs/wants because you/ your kids/ your horses/ the dog/ the tv/ the bath suds, all were more important than him in the marriage? 

If you truly just need a few pina coladas in the rain to fix your largely broken marriage then why not do that? Answer, because it runs a lot deeper than that and you point blank refuse to heed any advice you are given. You come here looking solely for validation that you are that hard done by victim of a greater malevolent force that is making your life a misery. 

You keep saying that you are trying, he just doesn't respond, perhaps you aren't trying the right things. People are people the world over, and we all have our triggers, some good, some bad. If you want to influence someone else's behaviour you need to consider their motivations to figure out how to get what you want from them.

Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over and over and over again and expecting a different response.


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Mempisto, you know you still make me out the bad guy only knowing info of a current event tied into a long history.

ummm lets see, I gave up my career for this man, I reached out for help when my family hit rock bottom, I am the one doing this doing that when I could of left it ALL to him to do, but I didn't because I let him work and I dealt with everything else. 

My family moved 10 times in 10 years, have you moved just once, do you remember the strain it put on your family? 

My husband would not reach out for help if his life depended on it, so knowing that, I had to take the inititive to help my family. Again, you don't know what you are talking about, you don't know how how many times I had to leave work early to go to a food bank to get my family food, now ask me how many times he did this on his own?

Hmmmm, let see, I guess I was just supposed to let everything fall down around us to continue to sex him up, keep his clothes clean, not take my kids to things they participated in to clean house while he sat all weekend watching tv. Oh did I forget to mention he took our last $10 for diapers and bought a toy for himself? And I had to figure out how to make the last 5 diapers last for a week.

Lets see nor did I tell you that I was sitting at home on my birthday waiting for him to come pick me up to go out for my birthday dinner, well he comes in at 7 pm (supposed to of been home between 3-4) and he came home drunk. I knew he had a work outing, but when he went to the outing he and 8 woman (ones he worked with) went to a wine tasting (at the same place the company went for lunch) and they got drunk. Now, keep in mind, I love wine, however, we as a couple never drank wine because he doesn't drink! The birth of our first son they gave us wine, he wouldn't drink it with me to celebrate.....

Let see, the birth of our second child, I was only in the hospital 24 hours, I came home, he dropped everything to meet his co workers up at the public pool to help paint it. So I was dropped alone with a 22 month old and a new born, in a house that was fallling down around us. That same house 4 months later nearly killed that new born baby to the point now she is mentally disabled (doing great now though).

Lets see what else have i been through Oh, I LOVED my job, he hated that fact. He begged me for years to quit my job. Well when the depression of the house got the best of me my doctor told me I need to either quick my job or I was going in the hospital So I quit. Well after that that is all I heard, he dogged me all the time that he was the bread winner, everything belongs to him as he bought it as he is the only one working because I am too lazy to work (but yet we argued all the time that I did not want to give up my career, then I did to try to help the family). 

I have never cried I am the victim of him. Yes we have had marital problems but I sat myself down and took a long hard look at the whole picture and what needed changed and I changed it. I forgave him for all the things he did to me, as I understand we had it rough and though most of our marriage was bad I still wanted to be with him so I needed to find out what needed done to fix it to bring back the good times and the joy we had waited for once the kids were older. We both feel we are the victims of a real estate agent and an attorney. If we never bought the hell house our kids would not be disabled (already proved by docs), we'd have a ton of money, we would not of had the stresses we have faced so early in our marriage etc. And we would not be where we are right now.

One of the biggest things I did "wrong" that he brings up to this day is this happened within our first year of marriage so it was about 19 years ago.... I got home after working a 12 hour day, started cooking supper (after he had already been home 4 hours) he decided about 20 minutes before supper was done to go over to his sisters house, I asked him not to go as I didn't want to eat alone. He told me to call about 5 minutes before it is done and he will come home. So I called him, 5 minutes before, 10 minutes after, 15 minutes after, food started getting dry, so I called again, told me he was on his way, I made both our plates, sat and waited, 5 minutes, I started eating, 10 minutes still waiting, 20, 30 so on. At the 45 minute mark I gave his plate to my dog. I cleaned the dishes, and threw all the food away. Yeah, maybe I should not of done that, but it pissed me off that he cannot take my feelings into consideration and not to mention that our agreement was whoever got home first cooked supper that night, though I wasn't mad or anything, I was tired and still had laundry to get to, etc and it rubbed me the wrong way. That showed me absolutely no respect for me, the fact I was tired he knew this but yet he chose to put someone else before me (this was just the beginning of the feelings I have of him putting people before me hense why I feel he seeks out others to make himself feel better, or important or whatever)

So again, like I said, you cannot give advice (and sorry, I am not going to kiss anyone's butt when I am not the only one at fault, it has to be both, not one, I can't make him love me but I can make him see what we both need) to someone if you don't know the whole story.


----------



## to tired to care anymore (Jul 26, 2010)

Homemaker,
The reason I am not calm is because I am the one being dogged, I don't like that when I am the one that found the culprit in the marriage and am being told I am the reason, because that isn't necessarily true. I have leaned to forgive my husband for all the crap he has done to me, why?? Because it wasn't all his fault, like I said in the post had we never bought that house chances are we would be living a normal life

We got married in 9/90 bought that house in 7/92. In 7/92 my mom died and believe me that tore me up. So from when we got married to the purchase of that house, we had our typical marital problems, some not typical, as I was raped as a child and he had to learn to deal with that (which caused problems and now is thrown back in my face weekly). Then after we moved in to the house well it all started falling apart. 

So fast forward 21 years, we are here now. And our kids are older and don't need a mom like they did and I have that time to fix our marriage and he is in agreement to that, this is more our time. But he is the one that is lost because he doesn't want to try (didn't then the last 2 or 3 days he has and it has been great). But when you know something is wrong but don't know where to look at it you remain lost, and that is where he is.

I have done the soul searching, I have changed me for him, and some for myself. I bite my tongue many times now and rethink many things. I guess you can say I have had a revaluation. 

now, however, the other day we got bad news again, this is going to make a big impact on our life again and the turmoil is what has ruined our marriage, ruined us, etc and he will tell you that first hand. We get 4 steps forward and something happens and we get thrown back 80 feet.

so you have to understand, not knowing the unusualness of our marriage you can't say everything that has been said to me, and especially think I am going to speak kind words when I am the only one fighting to save my family and have been the only one since day 1.


----------

