# GrrRRrR... my wife...



## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Alrighty, 

If you look at some of my previous posts you will see the issues I have had in the past with my wife. Long story short, through my identifying my co-dependence, I am working on me. I need some advice from some people as to if my thinking is off base here.... and how I should handle this situation. 

First off, let me say, my wife is not cheating on me! No I do not want to leave her, I love her, very much. That being out of the way, let's start. 

My wife loves music, she just really started to show an interest in music and it helps her relax, she just loves it. I have always loved music and fortunately we have a similar taste in music. 

A few months back she bought some tickets to go see soundgarden locally. I love soundgarden, always have. She said that she wanted to take her sister because her and her sister went to a soundgarden concert back in the 90's and she wanted to do this as a "rememberence" type thing. 

I really wanted to go, but recently identifying my codependence I decided that it would be good for me to have no issue with this, and to wish her fun, I brought it up to her and said I would love to go but do understand that she needs to do some things on her own. She tells me if I really want to go get a ticket and drive there... kinda harsh but she is doing her own thing so whatever. She ends up going to the concert, having a good time, ok it's done... on with our lives! 

Meanwhile I am trying to plan something really nice to do for the both of us, I really want to spend some quality time with her because she works so much, and we literally see each other about 2 hours a night. I finally plan something nice to do a couple weekends after her concert. The day of the dinner and evening out she said she is not really feeling well and would prefer to stay home and have a nice dinner. I was disappointed but obliged, instead of a nice night together it turned into her watching TV and going to bed while I played computer games. (She made no effort to initiate any sort of romantic, intimate, actions). 

Fast forward to two fridays ago. Some coworkers were going out to have a drink, she went with them and had a good time after work, no big deal. Again, recovering from codependence, she needs to have a life, let her do her thing. 

This bring us to last weekend. We did not have the chance to really do anything for Valentines Day so we were going to go out, I had made plans to go to a Karaoke bar, again she loves to sing and loves music, she has never sang karaoke in front of people but does it at home all the time via an Xbox game called lips. That Saturday morning she tells me again her throat is hurting her and she would prefer to stay home and relax. Again, I oblige, and again TV and computer games... she just sits and does not make an effort to even come close with me. 

Fast forward to tonight, she has a coworker who is leaving for the reserves for a little bit and they are going to a local bar for some drinks. She texts me in the day to let me know. I said "ok have fun!" she says "Are you mad?" I said, "Not at all, but I do wish we could actually go out one night and have fun". She replies with, "Geez, not again". I did not even text back. 

Now, our sex life has been improving, and I know she does love me. Intimacy is better than it has been before, but this kind of thing is driving me nuts. 

I am 30 years old, I really do not have a ton of friends to hang with for a multitude of reasons. Most of my friends from high school got lost in heroin and only have a few left alive and they will not be for much longer, I really do not talk to them because I am not an addict and do not want to associate with them. The remainder of my friends I have unfortunately pushed away because of how codependent I was. 

I guess the point of my post was to vent and get some insight on what she could possibly be doing or thinking. 

Tonight I do plan to go to the movies and see a movie by myself. I am not going to sit around and wait for her to come home and honestly I think she expects me to, my codependence has made me very solitude, but not anymore. I am not sure how she will react to that. If I guess, she will probably think that I did it just to be vengeful and prove a point but that's the way she thinks .... twisted sometimes. 

Anyway, responses appreciated as usual


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Most of my friends from high school got lost in heroin and only have a few left alive and they will not be for much longer, I really do not talk to them because I am not an addict and do not want to associate with them.


That's not her fault.Make friends that AREN'T heroin addicts.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "im not going to sit around waiting for her to come home".
Thats exactly right, IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like you need to work on making some of your own friends and pursuing your own hobbies. If you plan a night out and she doesn't feel like going out, then find something else to do besides watching tv and playing on the computer. Go to the karoke bar yourself, go to a movie, go to the gym, call up a friend, whatever. Just get out of the house.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

naga75 said:


> I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "im not going to sit around waiting for her to come home".
> Thats exactly right, IMO.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YEP instead of throwing up in her face he doesn't hang out with heroine addicts GOOOO do something without her..that would probably impress her...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

First I would reach out to those friends that you pushed away because of your co-dependcy. Why not contact some of them, apologize for doing so and offer to take them out for a few beers?

I would venture a guess that your wife takes for granted that you'll always be sitting at home waiting for her.

I found her response to the possibility of you going to the concert pretty harsh and disresptful.

I also am finding it very interesting that when there is an activety planned that just involves the two of you doing something together, she is conveniently "ill" yet when it involves one of her social circles (family and work pals) she's fit as a fiddle.

If you guys aren't in counseling now, I'd do that pronto. It sounds to me as if she's avoiding you, at least in a public type of situation

You also need to get your own network of friends going again. Let her see that you have people who want to hang out with you. 

To be honest, i would start to do things like your movie trip (when she's home) and just tell her that you're going out with some new acquaintencies from work. Let her wonder a bit.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Her asking if you're mad was very telling, and her response to your answer was also very telling. "Ahhh poor me, poor me." Is what she hears. But what you're really doing is giving her enough rope to hang herself with. That's not what a loving spouse would do either. You're still playing the martyr here.

You know what they say when you change the co-dependant dynamics in a relationship? You're likely to see more and more of her attempts to put it back just because she could predict your response better. 

You have been let down by her several times in your post above. Someone who is not co-dependant would be honest and put their foot down before she tries this again. If you're waiting for her to behave a certain way, you may be waiting a long time. Tell her it's damn rude to ditch your plans but always be up for everyone else's. Then off to the movies like you planned. No pouting, no temper tantrums, be open and honest that you're P. O'd and have every right to be. Then tell her what you expect from her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Taking care of an addict is NOT fun.The fact they "try" and decide to let you take care of them isn't "sexy"..

They can not be "happy" with your attention and be gone for a LONG time..And blame you ..That's not fair..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to communicate to your wife about how you feel. As well as find some new friends of your own. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why does your wife appear to be ready for fun with her friends but not with you?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

How could you live with such a woman?

RUN! id leave. Why try to fix this

how the HELL can a "loved one" reply in such a cruel manner? 

"ooh geez not again"

WTF? are you serious?

I'm sorry man but that is a garbage reply.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> How could you live with such a woman?
> 
> RUN! id leave. Why try to fix this
> 
> ...


Thank you Gold, I can't believe this wasn't the first reply to this post. 
"Geez, not again"? Seriously??? Why the HELL are you married for? Isn't it to live life together as well? Did she really have to respond that way? 

Dude, find someone that will enjoy your company and not make you feel like sh*@# just because you want to spend time with them. You seem to be in this marriage by yourself. 

This isn't just about you making your own freinds which is important in itself but what is more important is that your spouse makes you feel wanted and loved. Does your wife having enough energy for her friends but not for you make you feel loved? If not tell her in no uncertain terms that you'd rather be single by yourself. 

"Geez not again"? You've got to be kidding me! How can you stand for that? You having been codependant does not give her a license to make you feel like this. Why are you so convinced she isn't cheating? How do you know? Get your balls back man.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Jesus christ i think you guys are going off the deep end hollering "run divorce eff her" right off the bat. 
Everything i read from OP are things that arent "right" in a marriage, but certainly not something to shag ass over like up yours its over. 
Really. 
From what OP is posting its simply a matter of him standing up for himself and finding his own pursuits. That would likely draw his wife back towards him. 
And yall are like "GET A FKN DIVORCE" over one text message. Not really sound advice IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

naga75 said:


> Jesus christ i think you guys are going off the deep end hollering "run divorce eff her" right off the bat.
> Everything i read from OP are things that arent "right" in a marriage, but certainly not something to shag ass over like up yours its over.
> Really.
> From what OP is posting its simply a matter of him standing up for himself and finding his own pursuits. That would likely draw his wife back towards him.
> ...



Ha!!!:smthumbup:


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

naga75 said:


> Jesus christ i think you guys are going off the deep end hollering "run divorce eff her" right off the bat.
> Everything i read from OP are things that arent "right" in a marriage, but certainly not something to shag ass over like up yours its over.
> Really.
> From what OP is posting its simply a matter of him standing up for himself and finding his own pursuits. That would likely draw his wife back towards him.
> ...


If OP and his wife were the last two fertile people on earth and the survival of the species hinged on them staying married and procreating then yeah, not really sound advice. 

But in a reality where there are approx. 3 Billion other women on the planet?

Sounds alright to me.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

jfv said:


> If OP and his wife were the last two fertile people on earth and the survival of the species hinged on them staying married and procreating then yeah, not really sound advice.
> 
> But in a reality where there are approx. 3 Billion other women on the planet?
> 
> Sounds alright to me.



Yeah well i hate to be the one to break it to you, but on a forum that promotes marriage and preserving it ITS FKN STUPID advice. 
he's here for helpful advice, not to have some stranger holler about how he should ditch his wife instead of work on fixing their marriage. 
Which, seems to me, is totally fixable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

From what I've read this forum promotes marriage. It does not promote Emotional abuse. It does not promote being a doormat. It does NOT preserve toxic relationships. You should read a bit more and see for yourself. 

"Totally fixable" is in the eye of the beholder. It is very easy to say when your not the one spending what little time you have on this planet finding ways to not be rejected by your life partner.

And I hate to break it to you but this forum offers a variety of view points for the OP to consider or ignore, it is his choice and as a thinking person, it is helpful for him to hear all of it. 

Good thing you aren't the moderator.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Yes and there are ways to correct being a doormat without divorcing. 
And on the same note, it is just as easy to say "gtfo" when youre not the one with the time and emotion invested in the marriage. 
So yea, good thing im not the moderator. And good thing yours isnt the only advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

But i will agree that opinions are all here for the OP to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Codependence or not,you need to stop being doormat who allows her to make time for everyone else but you.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I do think its fixable, but if not then you should consider divorce. 

I agree that you should stand strong, when you two have a date, if she says I'm not sure I want to go you could counter with " yes you do and, we are going to have a good time too". 
If she still does not want to go then let her know you are going alone. Then go and have fun without her. Unless of course she's genuinely ill. 

Also you really need to get a hobby and try new things and make some friends of your own. Get out of your comfort zone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

The op prefaced the post with ..."I'm not leaving, I love her, she isnt cheating....now lets begin." His position is firmly stated. He is specifically saying he doesnt want to hear comments suggesting thats what he should do. This is his choice. He does not seem to be questioning or feeling at all unsure about this choice. Regardless of personal opinions, I think that should be respected. 

I think those who have honored your position have given some good advice.


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## Flowers (Feb 5, 2013)

Your marriage has just started to break, kindly seek counseling for the both of you while you still can.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

When she wants to stay home and watch TV why not watch with her instead of play computer games? Hubby and I spend lots of time together just watching TV and cuddling.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Spending time together is marriage, not codependency. Codependency sounds like a fancy excuse to blame you for her lack of wifeliness. 

The mistake you are making is acting hurt. Invite her to do things, and observe. Once you understand who she is as a wife, whether her recreational desires include spending time with you or not, then act.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP,

Until you said you and your wife were in your 30's I thought my wife was a bigamist living with you. You must nip this in the bud now or you will be dealing with this for decades. You think it is frustrating now? 

Cut the co dependent crap. You are married for goodness sake. It sounds as if you are somewhere about 7-10 on your wife's daily to do list and it looks like she rarely gets past 6.

Do take time for yourself and if she does not change her tune insist that you get MC. I would suggest you begin the IC now,


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Pravius said:


> Tonight I do plan to go to the movies and see a movie by myself.


Great choice! I agree with the other posters that this was a wise move. Instead of sitting alone home and sulking (i.e., playing the victim), you are taking responsibility for your own happiness -- getting out and doing something about it.


> I am not sure how she will react to that. If I guess, she will probably think that I did it just to be vengeful.


What difference does it make how she chooses to react? Why fret about it, Pravius? Shedding your codependent traits means you stop allowing her happiness to dictate the level of your own happiness. Instead, you start taking full responsibility for creating your own happiness. 

If she throws a hissy fit over your going to a movie while she's out with friends, that is HER problem. Let her deal with it by herself. It is important to show you have full confidence in her ability to handle the minor problems she creates for herself. If she does fail to handle it properly, it is important that -- like any four year old throwing a temper tantrum -- she be allowed to suffer the logical consequences. Otherwise, she has no incentive to grow up and you've become her enabler.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Pravius said:


> ...I know she does love me.


Don't be so sure. Read up on walk-away wives and all of the men who were blindsided with the IYBINILWY speech. I thought I had the best marriage possible. Sure, there were problems. Similar to yours, actually. But we were still very much in love.

Then my world crashed.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Get ready for that crashed world I just mentioned.

From another thread of yours:



Pravius said:


> About a month or so into living in my own place, my wife contacted me and let me know that she is feeling much better. ...Agreed that she took me for granted, and said she has become so much more sexually active now that she feels better.


Did I read this correctly? She's a cold fish with you in bed. You guys separate and she finds her sexual freedom while you're APART?



Pravius said:


> Long story short, after a couple weeks of this I was back in love with her moving back into my house.
> 
> Fast forward to about a year ago. I have been living back at home now and things slowly but surely returned to normal. I began my normal "care taking" of her. Doing most of the house chores, lack of sex, when we did have sex I was agressing her and she was basically dead fishing when we had sex it was awful.


OK. New found sexuality and fun when you guys separate, but now she wants mr secure back. So she seduces you, wins you back, then gives up again. Not good.



Pravius said:


> About 2 months into working at this new job she started to get increased responsibility...
> 
> During this time she is really starting to dress nicer, care more about her physical appearence, etc.
> 
> ...


That was the beginning of the end for my marriage. That was one of the main problems. We had a perfect marriage, she loved me, but just wasn't into sex. Long story short, and there was no infidelity, but precursor to my world crashing was when I found out that it wasn't sex she didn't like, it was sex with ME she didn't like.

I'm not going to say you have problems greater than those tha you THINK you have. I don't know you. But your marriage is taking an awful close parallel to mine. 

Get ready for ILYBINILWY. At least prepare for the possibility. You'll at least be a little more prepared than those of us that got our worlds rocked by it.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Pravius said:


> About 2 months into working at this new job she started to get increased responsibility, she was taking on a leadership role because this companies processes were so bad, she came in and basically started organizing everything so her boss gave her some freedom to "improve" things. During this time she is really starting to dress nicer, care more about her physical appearence, etc.
> 
> So she starts to tell me her fantasy of being with two men in bed. Sometimes she will fantasize about *me and another man having our way with her*. She assured me that it's just physical, no emotion at all. So I think, well I can;t be mad because I am pretty sure any guy would want the same with two women. So I leave it at that and that was it. Well the next day she said that there is this guy at work she finds very attractive. She wants a threesome with him. This scares the **** out of me because this just went from fantasy to a very real reality to me.


So she gets a new job,starts to dress nicer and tells you she finds her new coworker attractive,and wants to have sex with him and you.I am certain she already flirted with that guy and probably talked about having sex with him.

Look at the bolded part,she wants a man having his way with her,not a doormat so you better become a man who has his way with her or that coworker will be the one who has his way with her while you will be a guy who cooks and cleans for her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

While Ive had that fantasy too, I could never decide if it was George Clooney and the proverbial faceless lover or my husband and the faceless lover.

Sometimes the zebra is really just a horse.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

You all are so right! I do not know where to begin with the responses to the thread, but I will start with what I did do last night. I did end up going to see a movie and it was pretty cool, I forgot how much fun going out could be, and I did roll solo. 

She ended up coming home around 10pm and I was home about 30 minutes after that from the movie. 

Let me address some of the responses to my older threads. Since she told me about the threesome, we have talked ALOT about it. I am still incredibly bothered by it, but am really trying to feel her out. She tellls me that is was a phase that she went through and she does not feel the desire knowing how uncomfortable I would be, and she says that the phase has just past. Do I believe her? Not entirely, which is causing some divide in the relationship because she says that if I can't trust her then we should not even be together, then I remind her why it is I cannot trust her "Honey, you just admitted to me that you wanted to be drilled by another dude." Her response to that is "If that's the way you act when I tell you things, I won't tell you those things anymore", I respond "Well if you are not honest with me, then we have no marriage" She agrees. 

Yes I am trying to make this marriage work, because I do love my wife. She has issues, she has light BPD traits, she was abused as a child, two alcoholic parents, not the best childhood. I understand and accept that she looks at life from a different perspective than me. However, that said, if I continue to be treated like ****, I have already accepted the fact that I will file for divorce. It has been my codependence that has held me in the relationship for as long as it has. Now that I am recovering, I am not willing to be treated like crap anymore. 

Yes, it takes time and a whole ton of energy not to be codependent and to change your behaviours from what you have known your entire life, and no one is perfect, I am sure there have been some things that I have done in recovery that have been a bit codependent, but I am trying, I really am.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Pravius said:


> because she says that if I can't trust her then we should not even be together


You should have replied to that with:if you can't make me your priority over everyone else then we should not even be together or if you don't want to have sex with me then we should not even be together.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Good for you on trying, Pravius!

Read "Codependent No More" if you have not already done so.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Good for you on trying, Pravius!
> 
> Read "Codependent No More" if you have not already done so.


On my second read through now!!!!  <3


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I do think its fixable, but if not then you should consider divorce.
> 
> I agree that you should stand strong, when you two have a date, if she says I'm not sure I want to go you could counter with " yes you do and, we are going to have a good time too".
> If she still does not want to go then let her know you are going alone. Then go and have fun without her. Unless of course she's genuinely ill.
> ...


You nailed it. I am in a comfort zone, big time. Last night was a huge step out of that zone for me. For all of the people previous that have commented on my "friends" statement. That was never me saying it was her fault I do not have friends. I was just trying to give everyone the general picture of where I was in life to help understand my dilemma. If I had a ton of friends then I could have just called them and be like hey guys let's go out, I do not have that luxury unfortunately and admittedly it was by my own doing. 

Part of her personality is a bit of hypochondria, well, I do not want to say that because I am honestly not sure how she feels but there is something wrong nearly every day. Sinuses, Allergies, etc. Let me give you an example. Just the other weekend (when we were supposed to go to Karaoke) that Wednesday she said she had a cold. The next day it was no longer a cold but she said she now had bronchitis, then the next day it had to be a sinus infection. She has a hard time "just having a cold" and always needs to make it into something way bigger than it should be. As you could imagine this has a serious impact on me because I really never know when she is "seriously" sick. The wife who cried wolf really. 

I think that stems from the BPD.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I hadnt read your previous threads, so i assumed that this was just a case of you being walked over by your wife. 
I dont know how inwould react if my wife told me about a dude she was super attracted to an wanted to have a threesome with. 
Probably not "hey lets talk about it".
More likely, "well go ahead but you are gonna have to find another guy at work that you are attracted to thats down with it".
Thats just me. No way. In hell. Am i sharing my wife with another man. Willingly, anyways. I guess i was for the two years i didnt know about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I don't like her attitude. At all. Like someone else previously said, looks like you're on her list of preferences, you're toward the end. It's not how a woman who loves behaves.
But, since you stated clearly that you love her no matter what, I would suggest 2 things:
1. MC 
2. Surprise her. Since you tried to plan things and she changed her mind in the last minute, try a different way : improvise. Google " most romantic restaurants" in the area where you live, and pick a place that you think would impress her. Make a reservation without telling her. Pick her up from work, blindfold her and only let her open her eyes when you arrived. Make sure there is a great view and decor. 
Prepare a romantic dinner at home to greet her with when she arrives. Her fav food, candle light, you in sexy silk boxers, etc. Or maybe a bath with roses petals in, and a bottle of her fav drink nearby, or instead of candle you can use underwater light bulbs that flash and change color ( I forgot the source but you can google) , etc. Search for " romantic decoration" in addition to my suggestions.
If she refuses MC, and she is still uresponsive despite such efforts...then, sorry O.P., but you're M is in trouble.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> I don't like her attitude. At all. Like someone else previously said, looks like you're on her list of preferences, you're toward the end. It's not how a woman who loves behaves.
> But, since you stated clearly that you love her no matter what, I would suggest 2 things:
> 1. MC
> 2. Surprise her. Since you tried to plan things and she changed her mind in the last minute, try a different way : improvise. Google " most romantic restaurants" in the area where you live, and pick a place that you think would impress her. Make a reservation without telling her. Pick her up from work, blindfold her and only let her open her eyes when you arrived. Make sure there is a great view and decor.
> ...


Yea, I have a feeling it is going, or at least not going off the path of trouble to be honest with you. I really have tried just about everything that I can think of, and I may just have to come to the realization that it may be over quicker than I anticipated. 

I have done the romantic night at home thing before. The most recent time that I did it was about 2-3 months back. I took the day off work, cleaned the house, got her her favorite food for dinner, went to the store and got like 100 candles and a dozen roses, spread the candles all over the house in our bedroom, the bathroom (had a bath drawn for her as well), the kitchen, etc. 

She came home that night, and did seem surprised, but she really didn't know what to do after that. I was hoping for dinner, a bath together, and maybe sex. What I got was "Oh hun this is really nice, but I am not sure if I am the kind of girl for this thing.... who the hell says that at that moment? Granted, because of my codependency at that time, I did expect her to react a certain way and when she did not I let it effect me, which was not healthy, but there is also a deep layer of rejection that I felt at that time. 

Anyway, I am pretty sure that I have just about exhausted every single resource that I have. I know for a fact that there are women out there that would love the attention and the pure love that I offer, I think I may have just ended up with one who is incapable of the level of intimacy and love that I am looking for. 

I have to admit, and this is not easy, I fear her reaction to my asking for a divorce/separation, she gets mean, just pure evil. This is likely her BPD traits, but I am not a cold, mean person and it just kills me. Yes, I know this is codependent!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!! What is the purpose of this life!!! 

#frustrated #sad #GRRRRRR

EDIT: 

I should also mention that we have talked many times about MC. She actually looked up a therapist who specialized in BPD (although she insists that she does not have it). I ended up calling this therapist and making an appointment for myself. She still to this day have not made an appointment for herself and it has been nearly 2 mths or so since we have first spoke about it. (she has had a very rocky past with therapists, again BPD trait)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The fact that your wife can't be bothered to make an appointment for herself says volumes about how invested she is in making lasting changes.

C


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> The fact that your wife can't be bothered to make an appointment for herself says volumes about how invested she is in making lasting changes.
> 
> C


I feel the same. I have had so much hope but she just will not do it. Just 5 minutes ago we got into yet another brawl over something so incredibly dumb. 

We had our bathroom finished like 2 years ago or so. Just recently the grout around the tub started to break and she decided to re-grout around the edge of the tub. She was sealing it today and I had made mention I wanted to take a bath (I normally take showers but because she is sealing I knew I could not get it wet.) She then tells me when I say that "I just sealed the tub", I said "Okay, but I do need to take a bath soon". She says "Sometimes we need to inconvenience ourselves". Then it just escalated from there, after about 5 minutes of her *****ing about how I have issues with authority and how I always talk down to her (which I do not, she twists what I say in her head to make it sound completely different than my intent). I walk out of the house and go smoke a cig, I tell her very camly I refuse to be talked to like crap and I do not have the energy to argue with her anymore. 

I come back in, and calmly say to her "you know this arguement started because I said "I have to take a bath soon", I had grouted a bazillion times around the house and know it cannot get wet, I just wanted to take a bath! I then said "Bottom line is, I want to be talked to with respect, we both deserve it and if we can't do that, then we need to just go our own ways" and then came in the office and typed this. 

Sigh.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pravius, I think it's possible to work it out, but I wonder if her behavior will help you shed codependency or keep you in the cycle? Trying to work through a relationship like this while trying to work on yourself just seems almost doomed.

A trial separation, for the expressed purpose of you working on yourself, to get yourself healthy might also be just the ticket to wake her selfish a$$ up and stop setting you up to play the martyr in the hopes she responds. 

Take care of yourself, expect her to take care of herself, then when you both are healthy ...


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Anon, you are right. I know it deep inside and it's funny because I think about that all the time. It's the cycle, and I know it, I feel it. Again I think it's my fear that's keeping me here and I am just going to have to overcome it. What am I really afraid of? Her anger, her disapproval, her meanness. It sounds like I am a huge vagina (not that vagina's are bad, just delicate ) and I feel like a giant vagina! It's unlike anything I have seen before. 

I once suggested that we keep separate checking accounts (she gets weird about money when she wants things, and I did not want to have to deal with her and wanted my own finances) and she just about lost it and said we are better off separate, I guess I just do not know how to deal with it. 

Codependent, yes I know it is, I just do not know any different and am having a difficult time getting over this giant mountain.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Pravius said:


> Yea, I have a feeling it is going, or at least not going off the path of trouble to be honest with you. I really have tried just about everything that I can think of, and I may just have to come to the realization that it may be over quicker than I anticipated.
> 
> I have done the romantic night at home thing before. The most recent time that I did it was about 2-3 months back. I took the day off work, cleaned the house, got her her favorite food for dinner, went to the store and got like 100 candles and a dozen roses, spread the candles all over the house in our bedroom, the bathroom (had a bath drawn for her as well), the kitchen, etc.
> 
> ...


My earlier advice is predicated on this reality you put in bold. 

Also don't forget... 

3 billion women on planet earth. 

Life is short.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Pravius said:


> . It sounds like I am a huge vagina (not that vagina's are bad, just delicate ) and I feel like a giant vagina! It's unlike anything I have seen before.


hey bub, nothing wrong with being warm, soft and elastic!
No offense taken, I get what you meant.



Pravius said:


> I once suggested that we keep separate checking accounts (she gets weird about money when she wants things, and I did not want to have to deal with her and wanted my own finances) *and she just about lost it and said we are better off separate, *I guess I just do not know how to deal with it.
> 
> Codependent, yes I know it is, I just do not know any different and am having a difficult time getting over this giant mountain.


See the part I bolded? She knows exactly what buttons to push to force you to do what she wants. What you suggested was a perfectly reasonable response to the problem but she turned it around, twisted it and made you feel like a mean brute instead. 

You know what you have to do. 

Now you have to gather the courage to change that which you can change and find your serenity! You can do this!


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

An emotional abuser likes to show you how much fun they are having with anyone except you, bait you to say how you feel about it, then blame you for responding.

The reason they don't want counseling is because they know their abuse will be identified.

And yes they manufacture fights so they can blame you for them. 

This kind of relationship is recommended for someone who wishes to die a slow death from various symptoms of stress.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ending the codependency cycle actually takes support from others. You've been so conditioned to respond a certain way that it's not until much later you realized you slipped back into martyr mode.

In that light I had a thought. Start yourself another thread in which you can post your, "Spot my codependent reactions and help me reframe them." It's a learning process and sometimes you feel beaten up for all the mistakes you make in trying to walk the talk. But being open to coaching will help a great deal.


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## Pravius (Dec 12, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Ending the codependency cycle actually takes support from others. You've been so conditioned to respond a certain way that it's not until much later you realized you slipped back into martyr mode.
> 
> In that light I had a thought. Start yourself another thread in which you can post your, "Spot my codependent reactions and help me reframe them." It's a learning process and sometimes you feel beaten up for all the mistakes you make in trying to walk the talk. But being open to coaching will help a great deal.


That's actually a really good idea. Part of the issue for me is identifying when I am actually being codependent. I actually have the site bookmarked where it has the signs and recovery of codependency and I refer to it often!


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Pravius said:


> I am 30 years old, I really do not have a ton of friends to hang with for a multitude of reasons. Most of my friends from high school got lost in heroin and only have a few left alive and they will not be for much longer, I really do not talk to them because I am not an addict and do not want to associate with them. The remainder of my friends I have unfortunately pushed away because of how codependent I was.


I can identify with you on this. I hung around the "bad" crowd in school, and well, half my family is addicts of some sort or another. But i chose to separate myself from the friends and for the most part family as much as I could. And it may not be your wife's fault for your lack of friends as one poster had said, it is not so easy to find friends like you did when you were a kid. esp if your a bit on the shy side ( like me). So, whereas it may be easy for the outgoing types to pick up friends anywhere they go, it is not so easy for some of us. I have major trust issues, and when I do find a friend, i get embarrassed because my ol man is a drunk and he always does something to make me cringe and eventually the friend fades away. No one likes to see an grown man fall flat on his face during a cookout.


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