# Dumpee dating after separation ?



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

I hear many people say that the person who was left should not date, even if the dumper is having an EA/PA. why is that ?

If there is one way for the dumpee to get back some semblance of dignity is to start feeling loved again. 

I am at the stage where I don't know if would take my wife back. I have moments where my heart aches and when I see I see the stunning woman I thought was beautiful to the last day.

Is there no better wake up call to the dumper that the dumpee is moving on ? Why should the dumpee spend the next year lonely ?

I am not trying to make a case here, I am just trying to figure out why this seems to be a hard and fast rule in a 180. Maybe what I need to get over my wife is to find someone new...maybe it might make my wife think twice about the loser she is with when she's I have found a beautiful lady to replace her. 

I would not intentionally hurt anyone ( ie new girlfriend ) and the next one could be the one but...

This rule sounds like the dumpee is required to suffer even more and longer to work on themselves. 

Thank you for feedback.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The rule I state is, "Don't start a new relationship until you have finished the one you are in."

Emotions are all over the map. It can be difficult to sort out what is real, what is reactive.

Context is everything. If you are in the throes of a dying marriage and emotions are running high? Not a good idea to look for someone else. If you have sufficiently dealt with whatever needs to be dealt with, than so be it. Date if you feel ready.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would say that sometimes one person is in a "better" place to move on than the other person. The dumper may have been thinking about ending the marriage for months. In my case, my counselor commented that to me, the marriage was already over, and I had grieved for the end of it even before talking to him. But to my wife, while she knew there were problems, she wasnt close to being in that same place. It's not fair, but there it is.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

OK so I understand the not sure if your ready to dive back in concept, although I believe one can never know unless they try. It is true that the thought of getting into anything right now is very difficult indeed. 

In addition, it is also very difficult to gauge where my wife is because I have read this forum and another with a voracious appetite and there is, without question, a possibility that my wife could do a turn around. She is in an EA, possibly PA with someone who is simply not her type at all. Because she simply cannot be without a man, I believe this guy is a stand in who said the right things in a moment of doubt for her.

I am moving on but not ready to throw the towel in just yet. But I truly wonder if my dating would not impact her faster than anything else I could do. She has a jealous streak like no other I have known and even if I am bettering myself etc etc. a jolt of jealousy might wake her senses up again, if there are any left for me and make her realize what she is giving up.

There is no stronger show of moving on then finding another love right. Now keep in mind that if I were ever to do something like this, I would never allow someone else to get hurt. I would keep things very casual and say I am not ready to go into a full blown relationship, start as friends. Who knows if it turned into more, I would let go of my stbx and be happy as a clam. 

I just don't know if my wife is the answer, but I absolutely hate throwing in the towel without a fight to see. To see if my family can be whole again.

Complicated indeed and it stinks...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Can’t see how another woman in your life is going to make anything less complicated. Your wife wants to be with “any man”??? I guess then you’ve been that any man in the past? Maybe time to do something about that and be with a woman who deserves you and wants you for who you uniquely are.

Bob


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

DeeJo nailed it, one relationship at a time. If you can't be honestly all in for a new relationship don't hurt someone to make your self feel better. Also revenge dating (to show her what she is missing, etc.) is a very bad idea. Instead of dating to get to know someone, you are using them as a prop to attract someone else. To me that is intolerably cruel. 

In your specific case I think you are not ready yet. Casual dating (non sexual), group events could be OK, if the new girl knows where you are in relation to your ex. 

M N


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

PBear said:


> I would say that sometimes one person is in a "better" place to move on than the other person. The dumper may have been thinking about ending the marriage for months. In my case, my counselor commented that to me, the marriage was already over, and I had grieved for the end of it even before talking to him. But to my wife, while she knew there were problems, she wasnt close to being in that same place. It's not fair, but there it is.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: This is so true.

Also, the person who is being dumped has some psychological issues to deal with. It really takes some time to sort things out when you are rejected, "second best" or simply "not good enough". That can leave the dumped spouse in a vulnerable spot.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you all for your input...I am not someone who will ever hurt anyone else...I had a little date the other night, but I slowly pulled away because I know she was very interested.

I am lonely and want to feel that love and I want to date just to get my mind off and to reboot my self esteem, but if there is no connection then I will not take it any further. I am new to this town, so I don't have many friends here.

I want to have some fun and maybe this will only be within the context of the group but if I find " that girl " I am not going to hold back...I will develop the relationship, not out of anger or spite or for revenge...it will be because I need some love and to feel wanted, like my stbx is feeling right now, although I have no doubt that it will be short lived. 

Maybe it's what i need to move on. I just don't think I have the strength to do the year long rebuild. I made a whole bucnh of changes before moving down here.

We shall see but I wanted to understand the rule that seems so pervasive on these boards, that the dumpee should hold off. The 180 seems to be that much more doable if someone finds that new love. I am not nor have I ever been a player. I am quiet and slow in finding that new love but the decision is more about putting myself out there than jumping into something new. I can't sit here while she is happy and I am not.

I am over the main jealousy hump...but now I need to find some fullfilment for myself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Frenchy: it's a personal decision. I personally think the dumpee is nowhere near emotionally ready to date after being left by a spouse BUT to each their own.

If you're not over your ex and/or have not finalized the relationship yet and/or still confused over to stay/leave your relationship indefinitely, I think it's generally a bad idea.

During my separation, papers filed, already went to court, waiting on final hearing date, a nice lad asked me out to dinner. I went. He kept wanting to hang and it became very clear to me that he was "into" me and I was nowhere near that. How could I be? I was still married. The last time we hung out he told me he was worried I was "going to break things off" and it dawned on how utterly idiotic I was being. He was a great guy but I was nowhere near that emotionally. I told him "how can we break things off if we're not even together?" Stupid mvoe on my end but I learned a valuable lesson: not the right choice for me. Very very stupid. Plus I was and am still licking my wounds from the end of my marriage and am now only very recently divorced (1 month now).

I am nowhere near even contemplating *dating.*


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi Jelly beans, I believe you but I am also wondering about simply taking the light road if only to help boost my ego a little and make me feel good about myself. By this I don't mean starting a relationship with someone or sleeping with them ( in essence using them ) to bring things up again.

As mentioned there is also an element in this that continues to make me wonder if it wouldn't push up some of those emotions in my wife that are buried so deep.

My wife even asked me when we were still living under the same roof, go out with that girl you met, I mean don't sleep with her but go out with her, it could make me jealous...her sister also recently told me...watch how she reacts when she knows you dating....

It's pathetic...it's childish I know but that is exactly how my wife is acting.

I don't know what my motives are and I am having moments of serenity just being by myself and growing slowly, even though this is very young, but maybe the guy you were meeting with wasn't the one. Maybe it would have gone differently if he was. It sounds like he was a little childish " I hope your not breaking up with me " ???? I hope that these are the kind of guys my wife ends up meeting because it's no wonder some of my single girl friends can't find husbands...

Anyway, I am confused and understand every point of view here. I am going to dip my toes into that area but mostly I am going to get out and about because truly if it's going to happen I want it to be natural.

Can't believe I have to contemplate these things when just six months ago I was dreaming of my life ahead with my family. Does life ever balance out where there isn't chaos at some point to throw you off kilter. Damn !


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you go out with another woman I can GUARANTEE you she will be pissed. Promise.


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Thank you JellyBeans...I do want to see that rise and for all of the calls for the men dumpee's to relax and find themselves, I believe this only prolongs the process, because while the dumpee might well discover new things about themselves as the months go by, there is one underlying problem with this method. Loneliness and if, like in my case there is a EA / likely PA, the hurt that one feels by the betrayal. How does one ignore this when they sit at home alone ? ( when their kids are not there...I have said this before how amazing it is that my 9 year old son has become the rock for us both ) Being out with friends is all good and important ( I am looking forward to finally connecting with some people I was introduced to when I first came into town but who I kept at a distance to work on my marriage ) but the ultimate soother is to feel wanted again, even if it's never pursued into the bedroom.

This is not about revenge it's about filing a void in me, that was created in a firestorm. I am certainly not talking about going out being a pig, no interest in that, but...

This is one piece of advice I have gotten from many ( don't date work on yourself first ) that I am not going to follow. I want my son to go home to Mom and tell him what fun he had with Daddy and this other girl, as I have had. 

It's my belief that no matter how confident a man gets after spending months and months on himself, that nothing says I am moving on like finding another interest of the opposite sex.

The saddest thing is that the one thing my son has said to both his mother and I are...I will never live with you again if you find someone new...I will go live with ( insert parent of choice here ). He can live with the separation but not the thought that we might find replacements. Even a child recognizes this as the point where things change for the worst. So no matter what, I will play this very carefully...

Thanks JellyBeans, I needed to hear this from a woman and with an understanding that this IS a game, even if we want to pretend it's not. I wonder, because I am certainly not going to settle for less, as she has, if this jealousy that will likely rise in her might not cause her to reflect on her own choice of replacement.

When I was in high school and a girl dumped me, I had my mourning period, followed closely by finding another woman and without fail, the dumper saw me with that other woman and they were suddenly on me like white on rice. The confidence a man exudes when he is with a new woman, how pea****y he feels especially when that new woman is beautiful. This, in my estimation is what those men who are prepared for it should do. If for no other reason than to feel the hunt and capture instinct that remains in we men from our days as cavemen. 

I sense that some will disagree with me and who knows I may get there and sense I am not ready but my goal anyway is to play it very slow...

Wish me luck !

I am not an expert but I did stay at a holiday inn once =)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

frenchmanfl said:


> Thanks JellyBeans, I needed to hear this from a woman and with an understanding that this IS a game, even if we want to pretend it's not.


I did not say it was a "game." I simply said she will be upset if she finds out you're hanging with another woman. It's human nature/territorial nature.

AFter the D papers were long filed and I'd already been to court with my husband (per his motions) I went out to dinner with a guy some 13 months post-separation. My H asked me a month later if I had hung w/ any dudes (let me preface this by saying I am NOT the one who wanted a divorce--I tried against all odds to save my marriage) anyway... I told him Yes, I had been out to dinner w/ another guy a handful of times and was honest with him.

HE TOTALLY LOST IT and told me I must not be that committed to him if I broke bread with another guy. I told him: "Either you commit to me or nothing. You can't have it both ways...divorcing me on the one hand and telling me I have to stay under your thumb."

In the end I def stopped hanging out with the one guy since H and I were hanging again and I wanted to focus on that but rest assured IT DOES get the waywards attention, even if they say it doesn't. TRUST me. 

Looking back though, I was in no place to be having dinner w/ another guy. Just no way at all. I was still reeling from everything with my now ex-H and had no business doing that.

So if you are going to hang with other women, do NOT do it with the purpose of making your wife jealous. It should be because you WANT to. Doing it as a jealousy tactic = silly and pointless.


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