# 25 years and done?



## EmptyInEly (Jan 4, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for almost 19 years and together for 25 (high school sweethearts). WE have 3 children aged 11 to 15. On New Years Day she tells me that shes divorcing me; out of the blue.

She will not try counseling, she will not discuss trying to make it work; she tells me that she hasn't loved me in years. 

I am a wreck. I haven't eaten in almost 3 days, I've gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep in that time. 

I can't believe this is happening and I don't know what to do.


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

sorry your in this situation, as you look through here you are not alone. a lot of folks are in the same predicament. I myself have gained a little peace knowing we are not alone. At this time you really need to take care of yourself and be there for your kids. it will probably take some time till the details come into focus so best to use this time to reflect and work on yourself. I was married 22yrs 24 together, and for me picking up and doing some hobbies/interests that were given up during the years really have helped me cope with this.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Even though she won't go to counseling doesn't mean you shouldn't.

I've ben married for 25 years and my wife left a few months ago. For the few weeks she still lived here before she moved, I did everything possible to change her mind and get her to stay. I also spent a lot of that time working on myself, getting in shape, not drinking, reading....so on. She moved, I stopped talking to her, told her i had done everything I could to win her back, now she could have space. I went a month without seeing her except for kid stuff (we have 3). In the last month, she has been calling me more, spending more time with me at home, and just last night she told me she loved me--1st time i think in 6 months)...she has finally agreed to go to counseling.

What did I do? I gave her space...I took care of myself (I lost 20 pounds within a month of her telling me she didn't love me anymore--I've worked to keep them off)...I've even spoiled myself some...I've admitted my alcohilism and stayed clean...I've been the best dad possible...I've read advise here and followed most of it...

and I've learned to like myself even more!

good luck and God Bless!


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Same story as DjF... Afer 23 years my wife want to leave. "Loves me but not in love". I too have cleaned up myself. Stopped drinking, except socially on weekends, being there for the kids, helping around the house, staying home more, lost some weight, etc.

Still not luck in convincing my wife to give me another chance. Sad thing is we don't have any major issues today. All our problems were in the past, and as a result we drifted apart. 

I will continue to be as good a husband, father, person, as I can so she can see I am at least worth keeping. Its the least I can do while she is still there. When she moves out it will be over.

Still trying....


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

Personally, it may not be 20 years... just 10 (wow, can't believe I said that), but I was left for one of my friends... came as a complete surprise, and the only thing I know for sure, is she will never come back. 

1. Get counseling. Many companies offer these services through a 3rd party, where it's all confidential. Use these services if they're available to you. 

2. RUN. I'm serious. Take 100$ and buy yourself a pair of running shoes, and run. Run run run run. I am up to 5 miles every 2 days, and I tell you, despite the depth of the depression you're likely to sink into, if you run, you'll feel a tiny bit better that night, and may sleep a little better than you normally would. 

3. Set small, short-term goals, for yourself, to keep your body and mind busy. Repaint the bathroom, reconnect with 3 old friends, makes lists of loose ends you'll have to tie. 

4. Write. Write. Write. Whatever you're going through, that sh1t needs to come out. *DO NOT* send any of them to anyone. Use it as an outlet. 

5. The last thing I'd suggest, is to try and get this over and done with as fast as humanly possible. The moving out, dividing stuff, lawyers, mediation, negotiations, notaries, insurrance, all this sh1t needs to be taken care of. Get to work on it right away.

You cannot begin to heal until you sever contact. Speak through emails/sms to organize for the kids, and stick to business. 

I know how it feels. We're with you !


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Get one thing straight..IT IS NEVER JUST 'OUT OF THE BLUE!!!'..you just refused to see or heed the signs early on...she has another option in her sights which is why men are left with that 'out of the blue' feeling when the woman drops the bomb..there is HISTORY in her finally getting the nerve to come forward..you will not change that mind-set and I am not sure it will ever change.. I went through it (17 yr marriage 2 kids) and after examining everything she said and did to me at the time of departure I realized everything I did to try to keep her was all for naught, I just didn't realize it at the time..the key is to pick yourself back up and rebuild yourself slowly..honestly when you are forced to leave a marriage after many years it takes some adjusting to figure things out..we all remember the good times but in all honesty all was not good..it sucks but the world is not going to stop turning..but positive thinking and NOT DWELLING on what COULD have been are the keys to recovery :smthumbup:


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## hopemom (Dec 22, 2010)

just because the mess you are in right now is because of stuff you did to each other in the past, you should do what you can to try to take responsibility, improve your self and repair the relationship


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yeah the 1st 2-3 weeks are the worst,especially if you haven't told anyone form your family or friends.
I was 124 lb and after he told me that he wants out i couldn't eat or drink anything,it was a torture to try and chew something ...horrible I lost 14 pounds in 2 weeks.I was 110,started looking anorexic.The worst part of it all is that i have 2 kids 5 and 1 and they had to be taken care of,i didn't have a single soul to help me i had to survive.Horrible times.That was this past December ,for me he told me on Christmas...talk about timing.We were married 10 years and it was literally out of the blue.In my case he was affectionate full force 8 hrs before he told me he doesn't want to be with me anymore ..that he doesn't love me,I'm still confused of how is that possible?!
We are all here to get through this,it does get easier,i wouldn't believe it 2 months ago but it's true,you just have to do what you think it's right for you.Be close to family and good friends ,talk to close people of how you feel on a regular basis.


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