# What is this "fog" I hear about?



## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

My wife is/was my best friend. The one I always wanted to be with but thought I missed out on. 
To bypass the long story, she told me she was depressed when we married...I knew she was during the first year...but now she says it was while we were dating, too. That she was in a "fog" and didn't realize it at the time. She is sorry...but now doesn't feel attracted to me or that she loves me like a wife should a husband. 
She told me this about 5 months ago...things have been up and down since then but mostly down.
There are things she blames me for...working too much...I texted an old GF a few times...nothing inappropriate. Told her I looked at things online that I shouldn't have at times, mainly because of the rejection I felt at times and therefore justified. I wasn't proud of it, but it did happen. Not even a lot, but it did happen. She said, "I knew something was off, that is what it was" but I told her, "No, I have been losing a lot of money since we've been married...I don't regret it, I love my family but I'm often in the office trying to get my work done and try to plug some of the financial holes."
Anyway, she shows signs of depression. She knows that. We are now separated at her request. We have 3 kids, 2 from her previous marriage and our son.
My question is, this "fog"...how legitimate is that? I can see it happening but we are also both adults and chose to get married.
I just want my wife back but I don't really know the one I'm married to now.
I'd stick with her in a heartbeat, just don't know how realistic it is.
We start marriage counseling tomorrow. I'm hoping that helps...at least help me see what the real potential is in this.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The fog you hear about around here is the "affair fog". It's a highly debated state that a person can enter into when having an affair.

I would take a stab and say that she is most likely referring to a pervasive depressive state in which her memories of events are hazy due to depression.
That is a different animal.

Be aware that may also be re-writing history in her mind to rationalize impending abandonment of you or having an affair.
MLC is a possibility as well.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Your last option was the winner I'm afraid. Thanks though! :-/


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Can you access her phone records.
Get back in the house sleep in a different room if you have to.
Go see a lawyer.
If she gaslights and blames you in the first session tell her that is bs and you are lying and if you want to move with your 2 kids go ahead.
And work on a parenting schedule with your son.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Protect yourself financially if you have a joint acct take half out asap and set up your own.
Does your wife work?
Okay so since the beginning she has been "depressed".
Does that mean excuses for not having sex?
She may have been fooling the whole time.
Time to set up vars in the house and her car.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evenign stillkindofhopefull
I think "fog" is often used to refer to the feeling that someone is not quite in control of their life. Life seems almost like a dream, or somehow detached where you are not behaving the way you think you should but can't seem to change. 

This can apply to affairs, where someone knows what they are doing is wrong, but can't seem to stop themselves from taking the next step. 

It can apply to addictions, where the cap seems to come off the whisky bottle almost of its on accord - as if you were wattching someone else's hands unscrew it.

It can apply to bursts of rage where you are shouting at someone and can't seem to stop yourself.


In the extreme cases it is mental illness. In minor cases just a lack of self control.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

She basically never got over her ex husband I just found out. I guess I was the rebound that went too far. I'd have never known it by the way she pursued me but one we got married anf she got pregnant she said depression sat in because of hormones. It makes more sense now that it set in because she realized this was real life and now she was stuck.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wow, if that is the case, then detach. You didn't see the whole picture when you married her. Improve your life, and start doing things that make you happy. Get a separation to protect your finances. This is the time your focus should be on you, and your child. realize that you want a partner that reciprocates. 

Look at her through a critical eye with all the new found information you gathered. Is this the woman you really want? Or did you associate them to her even though she does not possess them. Love may cause blindness and we associate qualites and minimize those that we don't want to see. For you to see everything more clearly, you have to reach an emotional state of neutral. 

You probably have been viewing her through love goggles. 

Whenever you need to vent, advice, or someoneto listen to your issues, we will be here.


----------



## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

Good advice. It's happening, seemingly, a bit naturally. Once I put two and two together it seemed to changr my perspective. Detaching is becoming easier. Tonight she said that wasn't the reason, but what is she supposed to say? She says it's becuase I've not "been here the last two years," which is one of her fallbacks. For the record, I've been home every night unless It was Army duty. I was in my office a lot but I thought it was better than being in an office outside the house. The businesses don't run themselves.
She takes no responsibility for the issues and when I give her some, she says "if that's what you want to believe to make yourself feel better, go ahead, blame me for everything." 
I only bring up the facts and acknowledge my own shortcomings as well. 
Everything she has raised concern about, I've changed. Still, she hasn't. It goes back to reinforcing to me, that this goes far past just me.


----------

