# Intellectual and cultural incompatibility



## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

I come from a conservative culture. Our marriage wasn't arranged , we were neighbors once and dated as teenagers, but our parents encouraged our engagement (age 20) and we were married at 25. 

We lived in different countries until marriage (I was finishing up school in the US). I transformed into a different person, spiritually, mentally and emotionally between 21-25. Thought about breaking the engagement, but didn't do so out of fear of hurting her and giving my parents a heart attack (conservative culture).

I thought I could make it work but after six years of marriage, I feel trapped with a person I deeply care about and love, but not in a spousal way I think. We are so different, intellectually and culturally. Our interests in everything (humor, music, life goals, etc) are different. And we are barely able to hold a conversation on common topics. Plus, intellectually, we are on different planets (I don't mean this in an arrogant way).

She says she loves me and is willing to make things work, but I just don't know how to tell her that I don't feel connected to her, despite trying for 6 years now.

We do fight quite a bit and at times she has scratched me with her nails as well. There is more desire for intimacy on her side and despite her being a very attractive girl physically, I am not attracted to her most of the time, because we don't connect mentally.

We are both 31, no kids. Should I end it? Despite the devastation it will cause her and both our families? Her dad is sick with a terminal disease and my elderly mom is a heart patient. Quite a moral dilemma for me. I care about her but don't want to be married to her; is that abnormal?

Any advice appreciated.

thanks

talaash


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If you have not tried marriage counseling, why not try that first?

Staying in a marriage out of guilt and obligation does not satisfy anyone. Both partners should feel that their needs are met. However, if you haven't tried everything and just sort of hoped things would fall into place, then you are not really giving yourself a real chance at happiness and you might have the same problems again. Love is easy to come by, but marriage is hard work sometimes.


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## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

Desert-rose, you do raise good points.
We haven't tried therapy. But, I feel that our differences are so vast that further compromise will only require one of us to completely change, which is something both of us have been trying to do for 6 years with the end result being resentment, stress, and health issues.

I know she isn't happy and I feel she is stuck with me because
of financial, emotional and cultural dependence. If she won the jackpot tomorrow and if her dad weren't sick, I feel she will leave me for someone who is more compatible, which is actually fine with me. 

I don't have a deeply romantic view on life, but over time, I have felt that when two people meet, there is either natural chemistry between them, or not.
And I feel this applies to other relationships as well (friends, co-workers etc).
Because we were engaged so young and our personalities have gone through multiple transformations (especially mine), that chemistry we had many years ago is lost. Add to that all the tangible differences (music, humor, intellectual
background), and it compounds the incompatibility even more.

Not sure if therapy can resolve the above. But I already feel like a tired traveler who wants to rest now and be at peace.

Thanks for your insight.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

talaash said:


> Not sure if therapy can resolve the above. But I already feel like a tired traveler who wants to rest now and be at peace.


You'll never know until you try. 

The other alternatives are to stay in this miserable wasteland of your feelings or just split up. Therapy isn't a quick fix, but it is a good way for you guys to talk about your needs and whether or not you're capable of meeting them for each other. 

If you don't think it is worthwhile to try MC, as you mention one or the other would need to change a lot (and I'm guessing you're wishing she were different from what she is, because you feel this from your own perspective; let me tell you, nothing will make her change but herself, but hearing what's missing might inspire that desire for change in her), why not try individual counseling just to see if you can find some way to come to terms with this decision. A good therapist is like a friend with a bunch of insight and no personal agenda but to help you be where you wanna be and unburdening your brain sometimes helps you clear up space to think or feel or discover your own solutions to the elusive problems.

The main reason I am suggesting IC is because it looks to me like you're not really looking for new avenues between the two of you but a way to deal with your own feelings about the troubles between you. Not sure if this is accurate, but that's how it's coming across to me.


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## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> You'll never know until you try.


THanks for your reply desert-rose. You are quite right. 
I guess I shy away from therapy because I had a bad experience with a psychologist once (on an unrelated issue) - he tried to force me into medication I didn't need.

One question: should I try to approach a therapist alone first? I feel I won't be able to fully open up in the presence of my spouse because I don't want to say things that will really hurt her.

thanks again

talaash


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## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

Hate to continue to vent, but I had a breakthrough today after reading other people's threads on google.

I realized something in my subconscious mind today: I feel I have been married to someone who is a child in an adult's body. My wife doesn't work, despite having a degree and being fully able physically and mentally. And she wants lots of kids, but with no thought to what it takes to raise them financially. And she quotes me religious texts on how its only my responsibility to provide for her lifestyle (she loves to shop at the mall) and the kids that will come (I am not religious so I ignore all that). 

And subconsciously, I have been feeling that I am married to a child, not an adult partner. Her incapacity to analyze practical aspects of life only adds to this feeling. 

And I don't want to spend the next 30 years of my life trapped with a lazy, unambitious person, working my a$$ off 80 hours a week to support her lifestyle and taking sole financial responsibilty for raising a family.

Its so clear now. Wanted to share this, as it hit me when I read someone else's similar story on the web.

I thank my lucky stars we don't have kids yet.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not so much incompatibility it's that my wife, who's an attorney and speaks three languages is actually an anti intellectual who openly despises smarts and reading and knowledge and whatever is slightly above mediocre. An older generation would call her a "Philistine".


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## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> An older generation would call her a "Philistine".


 I love that word, "Philistine".

Well, got in touch with a therapist, lets see where it goes. At this point, I have pretty much made my mind. Lets see if I can be talked out of it in therapy to give it another try.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

Wow, I feel for you talaash. I've been married for 12 years and your description of what is going on between the two of you sounds so familiar. Not in every way, but the cultural differences and expectations are similar to my situation. I was ignoring all this for the entire marriage but it all came bubbling up to the surface after I disclosed to her that I had been involved with an emotional affair for several years. But that's another story. Just saying that the last 2 years since the EA was ended and I have been going to therapy, I have discovered things about myself that I never knew or thought about. I have a lot of guilt I feel for what I have put my wife through but it seems I have nothing to offer her that will meet her needs. Unless I ignore my own needs and do nothing but serve her without any thoughts of meeting my own needs. I supposed I should start my own thread and get some feedback on what I've been feeling but I did want to just say I do feel your pain.


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## talaash (Dec 17, 2011)

harlisondavidly said:


> I supposed I should start my own thread and get some feedback on what I've been feeling but I did want to just say I do feel your pain.


Thanks for your kind words. Wishing you fulfillment and peace in whichever path you take. All the best.

Talaash


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## Bereft (Dec 12, 2011)

talaash said:


> Thanks for your kind words. Wishing you fulfillment and peace in whichever path you take. All the best. My first post.
> I say go, forget about it. You're still young there is a big world out there for YOU and all that YOU want. Be free to choose. To me you must give yourself permission. You have my permission. Why waste a lot of time, a scarce resource, on your mess with her.
> Talaash


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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