# Too Many?



## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

My wife and I are in our late 20's and have been married for a little over a year. During our courtship and since, our prior sexual partners/history really was not discussed in any detail. We were very compatible from day one and remained so until a discussion after a bit too much partying one night lead to a disclosure that has seemed to have caused some issues. We both obviously knew that we were not each other's first and both had been in long term relationships prior.

But somehow in a discussion of "the past" I disclosed that I had been with around 16 different women prior to her. Her eyes got real big and said "16"! I was a bit surprised at her reaction because I don't really think that is that many at all and told her so. She then countered that I was only her 3rd partner (the others being long-term as well) and she didn't think I was the type to have been "screwing around that much". 

I love her, married her, and have been faithful and have no intention of not being so. But her attitude since has been different and more distant. Not catastrophic but I can tell its eating at her a bit making her suspicious of me now. For the ladies out there, is 16 prior partners really so many? If so, what would be "normal" and what would be the best way to re-assure her that part of my life is over?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Personally... I really don't think past partners should even matter. My H has been with more then I but honestly... the past is the past ... so i don't see why so many make a big deal of the number... That's just me though.


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## aussiechick (Jul 1, 2012)

Just give her a bit of time to adjust. She just feels overwhelmed and she just has to get use to an assumption she made being incorrect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Is her reaction just further proof that many (not all) women operate on more of an idealized plane rather than a realistic one when it comes to husbands? 

Its like before marriage, women are like "all men are pigs" and after marriage, they somehow delude themselves that they won the greatest hubby in the world lotto..and if any of the below happens, their bubble breaks and they cant handle it..again, not all..but MANY

1. He has no need for porn now that we are married
2. He has no need to masturbate now that we are married
3. He'sone of the "good guys" and never had more than 3 sex partners before he met me..5 TOPS!..maybe he was a virgin but wont admit it! Yeah, thats it!

4. He doesnt fantasize about having annononous sex with hot women who randomly walk passed us when we are out doing stuff


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

Personally I don't think I'd like it much if his number was very high, not really sure why, I guess I just don't like the idea of sleeping with someone who has been round the block more times than the local Tom cat.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

The past is the past what matters now is the present and future with her. She needs to understand that.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Star said:


> Personally I don't think I'd like it much if his number was very high, not really sure why, I guess I just don't like the idea of sleeping with someone who has been round the block more times than the local Tom cat.


That's why you get a blood test before getting your marriage license, right? They do still require that, don't they?

I don't think it should matter much unless it's some absurdly high number.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

aussiechick said:


> Just give her a bit of time to adjust. She just feels overwhelmed and she just has to get use to an assumption she made being incorrect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you are right on. She is not openly insecure at all but I think this exposed a bit of what lies beneath. Just have to let things settle out for a while.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> That's why you get a blood test before getting your marriage license, right? They do still require that, don't they?
> 
> I don't think it should matter much unless it's some absurdly high number.


Agreed. That's why I didn't think much of telling her the number as I think 16 is pretty typical or even low these days. If it was in the hundreds, then yeah maybe we have an issue. 

And yes, blood tests were done and obviously all clear.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I see it as a non issue. I remember my friend tellingly about an article in Cosmo thst said the average 25 year old woman has had sex with 18 men. Times are changing and 16 isn't THAT high a number anymore.


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> That's why you get a blood test before getting your marriage license, right? They do still require that, don't they?
> 
> I don't think it should matter much unless it's some absurdly high number.



Well in the country where I live there is no such test needed for before getting a marriage license.

I don't know, high numbers just put me off, a bit like buying a second hand car with high millage, Lol!


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

As Chris Rock says: Two? TWO! I guess that's how you was raised.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

GhostRydr said:


> Is her reaction just further proof that many (not all) women operate on more of an idealized plane rather than a realistic one when it comes to husbands?
> 
> Its like before marriage, women are like "all men are pigs" and after marriage, they somehow delude themselves that they won the greatest hubby in the world lotto..and if any of the below happens, their bubble breaks and they cant handle it..again, not all..but MANY
> 
> ...


Add "he will not want to do any sex acts that I don't want" to that list.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Star said:


> Well in the country where I live there is no such test needed for before getting a marriage license.
> 
> I don't know, high numbers just put me off, a bit like buying a second hand car with high millage, Lol!


Yeah, but 16 is not really that high a number. He is in his late 20s. That averages out to a partner every 6 - 9 months or so.


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## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> That's why you get a blood test before getting your marriage license, right? They do still require that, don't they?


It is not required by law in many U.S. states. And most of the states that do require it, only check for Syphilis and Rubella.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Well hopefully you will disclose all sex acts you've done with them, so your wife can lay claims to the acts. Meaning, whatever you did with them, she can now demand you do with her, even if it's something you don't care to try again.



Ahh, I love being stupid sometimes.
But in reality, your number isn't that high, she's probably trying to process it, she'll be fine.


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## Star (Dec 6, 2009)

DTO said:


> Yeah, but 16 is not really that high a number. He is in his late 20s. That averages out to a partner every 6 - 9 months or so.


I hear what you are saying but for me it's still off putting, maybe it might be because my number is very low.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

This is an interesting thread. I say so because it's basically the same issue for me and my current fiancee, just in reverse.

My fiancee has had 15 partners (including me) while I have had 3 (including her). I'll admit, it does bug me a little bit.

Why? Well, it's purely selfish, I'll admit but it does give me performance anxiety sometimes. You want to feel like you are the best lover your partner has had, but you know that when the number of parnters goes up, the odds of that decrease. I know I'm not the best my fiancee has ever had, but I would like to be. She KNOWS she's my best lover ever, and I'm very grateful that I have the best to be my future wife, but in the back of my head I wonder if she's getting all that she wants.

I know it's just all in my head, I've asked and she says she's almost 100% happy with our sex life, and I keep working on what isn't perfect for her. On an emotional level I am her best lover, whe's told me as much, but on a purely sexual level, I'm not. I just it's a pride thing, and I wonder if it is for your wife as well. Maybe she wonders "how can i compete with all those women" I'm not saying it's the right mentality to have, but that is how I feel at times and maybe she is as well.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex was alleged to be a virgin when I married her. It turns ou that it wasn't the case, but that in and of itself wasn't a problem.
What was the problem is that she already knew what she wanted and, other than financial support, I wasn't it.
Now, I refuse to have sex with any woman who can't provide a clean bill of health.
And, shouldI ever become senile to the point of considering marriage, the prospective bride will have to offer proof tat she as been around a few times so I'll know that SHE knows what she is getting, in me.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

I grappled with this myself. It is never a good thing to picture your wife's previous relations. I hate it in fact. The reality is that we all got it wrong at one time or another. 
You just remind yourself that she picked you. That you are the special one and that they are the mistakes that lead to you. Hate to use the Rascal Flats song but it's the best way I think of it.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

When I first became sexually active in high school there were 3 or 4 different women, but by my first year in college I sought a real relationship. 

My W... is my sixth "long-term" or _what I believed was going to be_ a long term relationship. 

My W, however... 

She didn't become sexually active until college. She was so determined to get through school with her degree that she refused to become romantically involved with anyone. All of her sexual encounters were "casual" with f-buddies, or 'friends with benefits' or one-night stands with someone she knew - no strangers. 

She found what she was looking for and 'explored' her sexuality to find out what she liked, or what worked for her. 

Her 'slept with number' is easily twice mine.

I don't mind that. As it's been said, the past is the past. 

What bothers me to no end is the idea of 'casual' sex. That doesn't exist for me. It never has. I can't have casual sex. 

She told me about one of her 'college encounters' just this Monday, and I was so completely stunned at her behavior that I wanted to leave... I just can't believe people act that way, and if I had met my W in college, we would never have gone out together. 

People change... priorities change, we get older, more mature.

Tell your wife, that the reason why you had 16 previous encounters was because you were desperately searching for the right woman... you were trying to find "the one" and it was never right... Tell her that if you hadn't searched so hard, maybe you never would have found her. =)


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> On an emotional level I am her best lover, whe's told me as much, but on a purely sexual level, I'm not. I just it's a pride thing, and I wonder if it is for your wife as well. Maybe she wonders "how can i compete with all those women" I'm not saying it's the right mentality to have, but that is how I feel at times and maybe she is as well.


Thanks for that. I never really thought of that angle. I was instantly thinking she was suspicious of me and would I stray etc. But I think now I know I need to just let her know that "Yes, there have been 16 others and that means by now I should know what I want and guess what?, I married you and have never been happier." Hopefully that will be all it takes to get her straightened out.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I could not fall for a woman with over 10 sex partners. And that number 10 is really pushing it. Too much history for me.

I assume some women have my type of mindset, so yea, 16 women is a lot. I assume if she is like me, it's a HUGE turnoff. To be honest, you should have just kept that number to yourself and said 8 or 9. Why let your wife know you have been with 16 other women sexually? 

I do not care if this day and age (you mean, the free love, woodstock, no hiv days was much more conservative?) it's average for a 25 year old woman to be with 18 men. That is absolutely insane. It's those magazines that numb us to begin with, in my honest opinion. 18 men?

Honestly, I couldn't fall in love with a woman who has shared herself with that many partners. I'd also add, being that used to giving your body, sharing your body, makes physical cheating a bit easier. That's just my opinion.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Sixteen doesn't sound extraordinarily high to me. Alas, you'll see reading through the comments here that some people enjoy being judgmental about a number that they arbitrarily set on their heads.

Aristotle said, "I'd also add, being that used to giving your body, sharing your body, makes physical cheating a bit easier. That's just my opinion." 

Ari, honey, we've been getting along, so I am hesitant to say this, but that is complete and utter drivel.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I think the reason my fiancee's number of 15 bugs me is twfold.

First, there's the perfomance issue. Even though she doesn't compare me to those past lovers from what she tells me, and I have no reason to doubt her on that claim, I know I do. Like I said before, it's maybe not the correct mentality, but it is mine. I want to be the best, and the more competition, the harder that is.

The second reason though is because I view my fiancee so highly. I have her on a pedestal. I think each time that I get to have sex with her, it's like I just won the lottery, because I'm so much in love with her and still feel amazed she loves me. So when I step back and think that there are 14 other men out there who have had a piece of my prize, it dulls it a bit.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Sixteen doesn't sound extraordinarily high to me. Alas, you'll see reading through the comments here that some people enjoy being judgmental about a number that they arbitrarily set on their heads.
> 
> Aristotle said, "I'd also add, being that used to giving your body, sharing your body, makes physical cheating a bit easier. That's just my opinion."
> 
> Ari, honey, we've been getting along, so I am hesitant to say this, but that is complete and utter drivel.


No need to be hesitant, I'm out there with a lot of my beliefs.

A man or women who share their bodies over and over, tend to lose sight on how "special" their bodies really are. How that affects their decision on an EA turning PA could be argued, but I'd assume those with a little less idea of "special" would be open to a physical affair much quicker than someone who hasn't been with as many partners.

That may be offensive to some, but for me it's common sense.


Now does that mean they are more likely to cheat in general, I have no idea. I'd say possibly but there are so many variables in cheating, who knows.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> To be honest, you should have just kept that number to yourself and said 8 or 9. Why let your wife know you have been with 16 other women sexually?


As I mentioned we had returned from a friends party and had been drinking a bit and I "spilled the beans" so to speak. But even so, I really did not think the # was so bad and her reaction really surprised me.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> I assume some women have my type of mindset, so yea, 16 women is a lot.


Depends on one's perspective I reckon. You should have seen most of my friends. I was the shy/conservative one of the bunch!


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> My fiancee has had 15 partners (including me) while I have had 3 (including her). I'll admit, it does bug me a little bit.


How on earth does this stuff come up? 

I had a friend who would always talk about her past sexual exploits with her current BFs (and not surprisingly, she went through BFs pretty quickly too)...in her defense though, she had a lot of mental issues (didn't really have a good personal censor)

I noticed the OP said he'd been drinking...

This information has a very obvious "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy for me.

As someone who most certainly has the "lower" number, I don't want to know. Nothing good will come from my knowing.

So "high" number people...do yourself a favor and stop sharing this stuff


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## Double Trouble (Jun 5, 2012)

MrVanilla said:


> Tell your wife, that the reason why you had 16 previous encounters was because you were desperately searching for the right woman... you were trying to find "the one" and it was never right... Tell her that if you hadn't searched so hard, maybe you never would have found her. =)


I would tell my wife the absolute truth. Be upfront and honest with her about how you feel. A number is just that, a number. It is meaningless to your relationship now. Going in with a planned "story" to wiggle your way out of this situation isn't going to make this any better. I think having an open and honest dialogue with her about your past expierences is the best "fix" you are going to be able to achieve. Sounding sincere instead of contrived is going to be much more convincing and more importantly reassuring to her that this is your past and not who you are today. 

My number is certainly lower than 16 but everyone is different. My wife has never inquired as to how many women I have been with before. I don't think that it is really relevant to her. 

Thats just how I would go about it. Good luck.....:smthumbup:


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> How on earth does this stuff come up?
> 
> I had a friend who would always talk about her past sexual exploits with her current BFs (and not surprisingly, she went through BFs pretty quickly too)...in her defense though, she had a lot of mental issues (didn't really have a good personal censor)
> 
> ...


And that's fine, for you. I do want to know. And that's fine for me.

I was in a marriage where there were to many secrets and it didn't do anyone any good. I'm not in a relationship where I said I want to know EVERYTHING and made that clear from day one. I knew that her number would be higher than mine (granted, was thinking 7-8, not 15) and while I admit it does bother me a bit, I'm still glad she told me and it's out of the way and we can move on. The opneness of our relationship is what has created strength, and I don't see why openness should end at the bedroom door.


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## Henry (Nov 20, 2007)

Hey, its brain stem stuff. Men spread their seed everywhere. Women search out the one to propagait(sp?) the best for her offspring.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Ha, I wish my husband only had 16 previous partners. He doesn't even know his number. But like others said, it's the fact that she may feel like you're comparing her to your previous experiences which sucks and hurts. Also it gives her an idea of what kind of a person you were. Sure, you've grown and matured but we just don't like to think that the person we love used to be someone we wouldn't want anything to do with. I gotta deal with that everyday.


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## past-it (Jul 7, 2012)

I'm in my 40s and I've had one so to me, 16 is high. But you can't change it so just move forward. You're together now.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I don't think 16 is excessive at all. She's probably gone a bit weird because maybe it makes her doubt herself sexually, wondering if you're comparing her to others, and maybe she visualises you being with other women and it's a turn off. You should have a thorough conversation with her about this so it doesn't fester and become a big ongoing problem. The past is the past and she needs to come to terms with it.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Wow, I really have to wonder where we are headed as a society when people think it is normal to sleep with a bus load of people.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

We have talked it over and its all good now. She just needed some time and it wasn't so much the number but the way I said it and that I did not think it was a big deal. As the comments on the topic indicate, there is a big variation in whether someone thinks 16 is excessive. Some think so, some not at all.

I think in our case, it is more the large difference between her and I. Me 16, her only 3 including me. So again, one's perspective/experience is very important it seems.


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## StrangerInTheAlps (Jul 3, 2012)

Locard said:


> Wow, I really have to wonder where we are headed as a society when people think it is normal to sleep with a bus load of people.


lol. Its not like it was 16 over a weekend at a swingers party. Or even in a year. This was over a 12 year period of unmarried life with a few long term monogamous relationships. Not excessive IMO, just took a while to find the right one.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Up to that moment she was in love with you for who you are. The moment you told her your number did it change who you are? No, her perception may have changed, but you are the same person she fell in love with and married. If it was such an important factor to her she should have brought this up before marrying you, since she didn't its her own problem to work out, but if it is too significant for her to accept she is being shallow, no matter how many the number, 5,10,15, 100, 1000 etc. (though at figures in that high end I'm assuming it would probably require a different definition of you, she likley would have been aware)


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Here's what I think you need to do. Plan a romantic weekend away at a B&B in a small little town somewhere. Don't tell her about it. But, tell her that you've made plans for the weekend so she doesn't put anything on her calander. Lie and have someone cover for you, " Oh, by the way Jeff and Diane are having a party this weekend." And then, steal her away. 

Have a dozen roses waiting in the room for her at the time of your arrival. Make reservations to a 5 star resturant. Spare no expense. Take her shopping at any store she wants to go into. (within reason...I know we aren't all made of money)

If she asks why you did all of this, Just tell her, " Because you are my wife and I thank God every day that you chose me. And I just wanted to show you just how important you are to me. You deserve to be treated like a Princess every once in a while and that I should never take you for granted." And that you love her....you know the rest.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I've followed this thread with amusement. I WISH my answer would be 16. I don't consider that excessive. Looking back, I regret not taking advantage of a number of opportunities.

Now, if you were challenging Wilt Chamberlain's number, then it would be a different story.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

at age 18, 16 partners would be A LOT, at age 21 it would still be very high, at age 25 it is possibly on the high side, but by age 30 it is probably a reasonable number, especially as nowadays younger people don't tend to settle down and marry until closer to 30. I would think that the level of "promiscuity", and its ultimate significance, has more to do with the distribution of all those numbers.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Locard said:


> Wow, I really have to wonder where we are headed as a society when people think it is normal to sleep with a bus load of people.


16 is a short-bus.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Here's what I think you need to do. Plan a romantic weekend away at a B&B in a small little town somewhere. Don't tell her about it. But, tell her that you've made plans for the weekend so she doesn't put anything on her calander. Lie and have someone cover for you, " Oh, by the way Jeff and Diane are having a party this weekend." And then, steal her away.
> 
> Have a dozen roses waiting in the room for her at the time of your arrival. Make reservations to a 5 star resturant. Spare no expense. Take her shopping at any store she wants to go into. (within reason...I know we aren't all made of money)
> 
> If she asks why you did all of this, Just tell her, " Because you are my wife and I thank God every day that you chose me. And I just wanted to show you just how important you are to me. You deserve to be treated like a Princess every once in a while and that I should never take you for granted." And that you love her....you know the rest.


Can you talk to my husband about doing that?


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## TheOnceler (Jul 3, 2012)

I was horrified by my girlfriends 'number'.

We never set out to have that talk, it only came up after other issues sent me down that road of inquiry.

I agree with others here - the number itself is not the issue. The issue is more about the timing and behaviors.

One thing that threw me for a loop - she indicated that she had 10 or 11 sex partners by the time she graduated high school. To me, that was a major 'Wow!'

I didn't even want to know about college.

She and I dated on and off for about 5 years. There were about 10 other guys during that period. Throughout those years, when we were at the point of reconciliation, she always maintained that there had been no other men during the hiatus.

In at least one case, we weren't actually split when she arranged to have sex with another man.

My point is that her relatively high number was indicative of a person for whom sex was very mundane. Where I had always assumed that sharing our bodies was something rather sacred, she treated intercourse more like a handshake.

For me, it was all very unsettling.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> That's why you get a blood test before getting your marriage license, right? They do still require that, don't they?
> 
> I don't think it should matter much unless it's some absurdly high number.



I live in NYC. We were not required to submit a single medical document before applying for a license here.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> No need to be hesitant, I'm out there with a lot of my beliefs.
> 
> A man or women who share their bodies over and over, tend to lose sight on how "special" their bodies really are. How that affects their decision on an EA turning PA could be argued, but I'd assume those with a little less idea of "special" would be open to a physical affair much quicker than someone who hasn't been with as many partners.
> 
> ...


I agree, it has an affect on our lives and our future relationship with the wife. Memories, old habits, etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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