# Terms of Endearment



## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Hello all. Just registered on this site.

Here is my current situation: I am in a relationship of nine months. We are engaged.
I have always found her to be a very "harsh"/"hard" person that seems to have problems with emotional intimacy and sensitivity. We are in our mid forties.

I am a very warm, affectionate person. I do tend to call her variously: "darling", "baby", etc... and she does so back to me.

The other day, she asked me - in the middle of an argument - that I call her by her name occasionally, "so that I remember what it is".
She told me that she says affectionate things to me because it's what she thinks I want to hear and that it's very hard work to do so. She says words are meaningless. This also goes for affectionate gestures such as touching, hand-holding, etc...

This has left me feeling utterly deflated because all the times in the past that I thought we were getting on great - and there was genuine affection being shown between us - were false and contrived. I was being affectionate because it's simply the way I felt. She was being affectionate because it was what she "should" do - to make me happy. 
She cannot, or will not, see the difference between calling somebody "darling" because it's their emotions causing them to do so - and doing it because, in her own words: "It makes me happy to make you happy."

Am I unreasonable to expect that these little gestures be genuine - and to feel "cheated" to be told that they were only done because I seem to have the need for them?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

you're not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't want my hubby to tell me those kinds of things, if they weren't true, especially if he actually Told me that this was why he was saying, or doing it.
Do you think she just said that in a moment of anger? Or do you think she really meant it?

You will have some serious soul searching to do. I hate to say this to you, but if you can't live with her like she is, and I can't blame you for being dejected and hurt, then you'll have to consider whether this is the gal for you.

You won't have any luck changing her, once you are married. It will only cause problems down the road. So, make sure her inability to show affection and love with sincerity, are things you can compromise on, or live with. Because if they are not,,,, you'll end up very unhappy. But it sounds to me like you already are.

Perhaps you need to sit her down and talk to her? Sound like you two might be incompatible on many levels.

I am sorry you're feeling blue. Update us okay?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree:

This is just her personality...Some people are lovey dovey, some are not.

My wife is not, I am.

My wife is the Anylitical type, She is Straight laced, all business, works int he medical field, very Right and wrong, yes or no. No "blending of colors" everything has a place. When we first dated, so "PDA" allowed Public display of affection. Etc.

I am a big mushball, I blend the colors, anything is possible, I dare to change and blend things, I will take the otherside just to get a reaction, I will get very passionate and emotional.

we are a Ying yang couple.

She said those things to hurt you, becuase she was hurt, and she knew that would really take the air out of your balloon. She has a hard time displaying her emotions, so the only trigger is to "fire Back" My wife has said hurtful things int he past, things she did not really mean.

You will not change her, but can you live with her and accept her for who she is? Can she accept who you are? Meet in some "middle area" of discussion.

Can you see yourself without her? She would never ever admit she can live without you (just not in her to show that)

My wife can say, She "can live without me" but she also will say, she can live with no one else and will never get re-married even if I were to die. Which oddly is her way of saying, "I can't live without you"

Is she German?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The two of you don’t speak the same love language and don’t understand the conflict it is bringing to your lives together. Both of you should read “The Five Languages of Love” by Gary Chapman. It can really help in these situations. If you can understand what her love language is and give it to her she will be more willing to speak your in more of the manner you wish and not out of obligation.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

I am sorry your going through this.. I am kind of like your partner, i grew up in a home where affection did not exhist. it takes me more effort to be affectionate. it is a major problem in our relationship, but I try, and I have gotten better with it. She may view it as meaningless because of her past, but eventually she is probably going to need it just as much as you do. It's hard for someone who has never really had it in their life as something that is needed, I know i used to see it more as hard work.

But now i need affection just like anyone else. And because it affected me in that way the two children that i have now i give way too much affection . I know this is not advice as to what to do, just maybe helping with understanding the other side. I wish i had better advice.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SaxonMan said:


> She was being affectionate because it was what she "should" do - to make me happy.


this is what keeps a relationship going. i do a lot of things for my H because i know he likes it, but its hard for me to do because its not my love language. so it feels awkward for me. you should figure out what her love language is and do it for her. She already speaks yours.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. It's good to get some other opinions.



marina72 said:


> Perhaps you need to sit her down and talk to her? Sound like you two might be incompatible on many levels.


Therein lies more problems Marina. It's pretty much impossible to sit her down and have a talk with her. I don't think we've ever had a warm "heart to heart" talk about anything. She defaults to a posture of defence and it always ends in an argument.

I have learnt that all the things that I used to thinks were "normal" don't necessarily always apply. It seems you just can't expect people to be the same. Here is an example:

Early on in the relationship, she had to undergo a very painful operation on her shoulder. I did my best to be there, be helpful and supportive, and generally "see her through it".
One day, she was beside herself because the pain meds weren't doing her job and she was in the bathroom in my house; crying and generally very, very upset. I went in and gently hugged her. She pulled away and, in an almost surprised manner, said: "What are you doing?"
"Er, trying to comfort you", I stammered.
"Does that work for you? Does that take the pain away?"
She then asked that I instead "describe" something that makes her happy. In this case she wanted me to describe riding a dirt bike (the thing that caused the operation in the first place). I must admit, I failed in doing so because I was so taken aback by the reaction to my consolation - and empathy meant that I really wasn't in the mood myself to relive happy tales of dirt biking at that moment. She often reminded me after that, that I failed in doing what she really needed when she was having a hard time of it.

Along the same lines, we were once watching a TV sitcom where, in a serious moment, one person was upset and the other was putting their arms round them and generally trying to be supportive, comforting, etc... Remembering the time that I once tried that with her myself, I asked her if she recognised that sort of interaction. She got angry and said that it's just a movie and that real life isn't like that. She has to live in the real world.

I'm beginning to understand that I can't just expect people to be the same as far as emotional intimacy in relationships. I keep hearing about the "Love Language" thing and I will get this book. However, if she is trying to speak my "Love Language", then surely part of it isn't to repeatedly tell the other person that that's precisely what you're doing. It sort of takes the value from it - and really, should it be that hard? 
I can't help feeling that if she's going to such lengths to let me know that she's only saying the nice things - such as terms of endearment - for my sake, it keeps a position of power somehow because she's simply "pampering" me and not showing vulnerability herself.

The strange thing is that in so many ways she is so committed to the relationship and always plans about the future. She also has no problem at all telling me that she loves me - although we have had discussions in the past where she's indicated that this was "for my sake" also.

All I do know is that since that "bombshell", I no longer use any terms of endearment to her. She still uses them to me, but they're absolutely meaningless to me now. It makes for a pretty cold existence.

Sorry for the long posts!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SaxonMan said:


> I keep hearing about the "Love Language" thing and I will get this book. However, if she is trying to speak my "Love Language", then surely part of it isn't to repeatedly tell the other person that that's precisely what you're doing. It sort of takes the value from it - and really, should it be that hard?


It’s not the fact that she is trying to give you what you want but to understand the concepts of love languages. If for example her love language is receiving gifts and yours is touch and intimacy the she does not perceive it at an act of love when you hug her. But if you give her a gift of some sort that touches her. Since physical intimacy is not her language it has no perceived value in her mind to give it to you. Understanding each other’s language is what is important in the book. My wife and I don’t speak the same language. Hers is words of affirmation and mine is physical intimacy. When I tell her she looks particularly nice this morning it has more impact on her than it does for me when she does the same. The reverse is true for us about a hug and a kiss. The more you practice it the easier it becomes so it doesn’t seem like anyone is forcing the “language”. I wish my wife and I had read it twenty some years ago when we were first married.


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## dream夢兒 (May 31, 2009)

I arrived here in the search of difference in the use of different terms of endearment.
However, I found that the two examples you two gentlemen mentioned above are strivingly similar to my personal thinkings.

So in the life long quest of knowing thyself... anyways I decided to jump in and hope to provide a little perspective.

I am also a very analytical person. I insist to assoicate meanings to things, so I feel that ideally everything should be done only when you mean it, when it feels right. Otherwise it's pointless, why bother? But as others pointed out that if she's doing that for you, at least it means she cares enough to "speak your channel".
(if she meant what she says, which she probably does. if we are alike in that aspect: a serious person, will also make sure their speech is precise. I can leave things out, and if she's smart too of course she knows which point to leave out to hurt you (in an arugement). I tend to point out the bad part of the story even if I see both sides, I call it being realistic, others think it's a great mood-ruiner. like in this case she may be being perfectly honest, it just sharp to the ears and is usually taken badly... And guess what, sometimes that is taken into account too.)

if she really cannot associate those gestures with those feelings, teach her.

SaxonMan, that was a really good example of her telling you her need.
You intended to make her feel loved by hugging her, but it 1. apparently does not work for her 2. she may actually be curious as to how it can possibly work for you. So she asked you to distract her mentally, sometimes physical pain are better distracted by recalling happy memories.

Touching on the line of being realistic again, you can't blame us for not believing romance stories when they are so outragous. Looking at the people around you, I may even begin to suspect if life-long relationships is found outside of fairytales. Anyways, I don't want to build my hopes upon TV, only to find out that's impossible. So the only secure way to love (or do anything really) is to be realistic about it.

Believe me, those two things are not mutally exclusive. She is honest about what she is doing, I personally value honesty above almost everything, and it is key to great trust in any relationships. See, she is committed about the future AND pleasing you, NOT all hopes are lost!

I heard about this talk of Five love languages in my church during my teens, as much as I am suspicious on any attempt trying to classifying people, I must admit that some applys to me and my mother. I value quality time and am just a generally touchy person (physical), my mother wants me to say I love you everyday (verbal) and she does everything she can for me (service). I cannot tell her that unless I really feel it at the moment, but I get upsat when she doesn't come home for supper (quality time). I suspect my boyfriend is also fairly verbal as well as he complains that he's deprived of compliments, but we might have found a common ground in snuggling. So you see, it is not limited to romantic relationship, and it certainly does not mean you are restricted to express yourself a certain way. But each person may perfer to express their affection in a different way and sometimes it is hard for them to comprehend other ways of expression, since we all kind of assumed that everyone thinks like ourselves.

-dream
P.S. I am sure no one needs to stress on no obligation in love?

and GAsoccerman, I can totally understand how to say things like that. For one most of those common phrase are not personal enough, and they need some serious modification if you are to be honest and realistic about it. Even though sometimes you just want to hear it, personally I would still go for my technical answer just to be safe (not making any edgy promises!). Second reason again sounds too cheesy and or shyness.


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