# Talking About the Affair



## asia (Dec 3, 2012)

How often do you talk about the affair with your spouse during the first year of recovery? Once a week, twice a day? I'm looking to see what is normal information/feeling sharing.

Do you rug sweep any time to keep the R going or ask whatever you want, when you want to?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case I opened up this can of worms and putt it out there.

No matter what with real remorse the wayward needs to own this and with that face it head on.

In my experience me and Mrs. the-guy faced this head on and looked it straight in the eye every time it came up.

So yes ask away and make them face the new reality...no matter how painful and shameful it is to face...it most be addressed and if talking about the affair is risking R then you ain;t really in R anyway IMHO!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

To put it this way, not only do we talk about Mrs. the-guys affairs, We often discuss affair in general especially when I am on this sight with my FWW.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I do agree with the Ws needing to own up to it. But the BS does also have the responsibility to heal. If you wanting to R i dont see how bringin it up over and over after a while is productive. There has to be a point when the BS either needs to get passed it or they should move on especiall if the WS has been 100% transparant and basicly doing everything a WS should be doin to help heal. There has to be a point were and why you want to keep sliding back into the worste emotional pain imaginable. After a while is only counter productive. Now if the WS is been dificult on the healing process i could see the other side of why youd keep wantin answeres.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

There are 2 possible scenarios here;

The first; the affair happened, the wayward came forward out of guilt, open and honest with the betrayed. Opened all lines of communication, (whatever social sites) answered all questions honestly...vowed to be faithful, and didnt complain about the waywards feelings of anger, hurt or betrayal. 

The second; the betrayed finds out about it, the wayward denies, blame shifts, accuses the betrayed, lies, manipulates, trickle truth...then finally "gives up" at hiding it. The betrayed is upset at the wayward for cheating, the wayward is upset at the betrayed for ruining it. More than likely the wayward will choose to stay for "lifestyle" reasons, after all, if love was enough, it would have kept them from the affair.

Scenario 1 probably ends quickly with a successful R. Scenario 2 will most likely end in failed R and divorce...because after that, everything the wayward says is a lie, regardless of truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

My H knows I will ask questions when I want to know something and he will tell me what I need to know. His EA was a year ago but he had recent phone contact so now we are talking about it again as I want details so I can try to work it out in my mind. Knowledge is power and when you don't know what's going on , other people have power over your life, which is not fair. So, I don't know what's 'normal' , I just talk when I feel the need to , not constantly but fairly often right now, which will taper off eventually.


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## victarion (Sep 7, 2012)

I think guy makes sense here


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It has to work for both of you. If the ws isn't remorseful they will start to resent it being brought up.

The bs has to feel comfortable enough to express their feelings.

If either is missing, there is a problem.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Biscuits said:


> There are 2 possible scenarios here;
> 
> The first; the affair happened, the wayward came forward out of guilt, open and honest with the betrayed. Opened all lines of communication, (whatever social sites) answered all questions honestly...vowed to be faithful, and didnt complain about the waywards feelings of anger, hurt or betrayal
> 
> Scenario 1 probably ends quickly with a successful R


I agree. My WW definitely falls into the first scenario. We talk about it at least once a week, from both sides, sometimes more if I need clarification or just to vent. Not surprisingly she never brings it up directly, but does inquire about my general emotional well being quite often. Of course we have to talk at least once a week at MC, and we always talk about what went on in MC afterwards. The lengths of our talks over the last 4 months have decreased immensely. Our last talk consisted of me asking her if she's doing "OK" (she knows what I mean) and if she had seen the POSOM lately. (She works in a retail store so she can't keep slim shady from shopping there.) It happened, I'm not going to pretend it didn't, but my FWW has been great and I'm running out of things to talk about. She told me everything I wanted to know and has done everything I have asked without complaint and *more*. Our talks will probably go to once a month or less, we'll see.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

I would say its still daily for us. We are approaching 10 months out.

A day doesn't go by that it isn't approached somehow. My wife will also ask me several times a day if I am doing ok, and if there is anything I need to talk about. Sometimes there is, sometimes there isn't. 

Now talking about it doesn't always mean its a deep lengthy conversation.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

My wife avoids it and tries to downplay it I think to avoid the total spiral I went into. To be honest I can hardly bring myself to talk to Her about it. It breaks my heart and makes me sick to think about it, but it is impossible as there are so many triggers. I can't even watch TV with Her most times cause of the shows she watches. I never knew until now how many shows have cheating or inappropriate undertones in them. It usually makes me walk away from Her and the TV. 
Names and all bring I up in my mind and stops me from sleeping. It has been a full year this month and I still just to into a funk where I feel useless and weak. That I made the wrong decision sometimes and maybe the kids and all we have together were not worth trying to work though. I have good days and bad days, I love Her and hate Her. I couldn't imagine actually talking about it on a regular basis, it would make me insane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Damn my iPhone sucks at spelling correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I want to talk about my husband's EA/PA more, but get tired of the somber mood it puts my WS in. He doesn't realize I don't ask questions because of his depressed mood. It's brought up about once a week and DD was mid December 2012.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We didn't. And that is when the problems really began...


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

If you are working on R and WW is remorseful you should bring it up anytime you feel like it. This was the case for me for several months and things were progressing. We reached a point were she was getting tired of answering the same questions but I wasn't yet satisfied with all the answers. We had a blow up and I closed up. Didn't bring it up at all for three months. She thought the blow up finally "got me over it" while it was just simmering inside. I finally reached a point where I was ready to kick her out and she was surprised. After that I told her I was going to talk about it any time I felt like I needed to and we are progressing again.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

The BS must have all his questions answered.

What the WS does not see or choses to not see is that they cheated and lied for the length of the affair.

Then from dday on the WS trickled truthed the BS. Which is lying by ommission.

This has set the stage for the BS to not trust that the WS is still not to be fully believed.

So a BS needs to ask about things many times, but changing the question slightly each time to see if all the previous answers match up.

Also every BS has a the fear to ask for too much details so they ask general questions. With time the need for more detail info causes for the subject already covered now covered with more specific questions. With each new round of questions confirming what has been told while going into more depth.

This questioning process can not be done in one evening or week, but a few months.

The questioning is not grilling and lashing out at WS's answers will only cause the WS to clam up. The BS has to create a safe environment for the WS to feel comfortable to answer.

With the first week of dday the BS will have so many questions. Though recovery can not take place talking about the affair all the time. So ask away but pick a time after diner. Go out get a cup of coffee, park, walk, and talk for one to two hours.

After the first week most of the general knowledge has been given to the BS. At that point talking should be tue and thur evenings. fri thru mon. The long weekends are for time to recover and heal with the WS.

Wed is the day to reflect on the answers and think through what needs to be addressed come thur.

After three months every thing should of been told and ever answer has been throughly dissected. Which leaves no more need to bring up the affair any more.

Constantly talking about the same things over and over prevents the WS and the BS from leaving the affair in the past.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

3 months then, Theroad?

I hope no one reads your post and thinks you are serious. That kind of post can do serious damage - especially if a rug sweeping, entitled, wayward reads it.

Even 10 months in I am still figuring things out. 3 months in, the betrayed spouse is DEEP in shock and the trauma is very raw and fresh.

I try not to call out individual posts but yours is shockingly naive and that is being shockingly kind.

*Edit:* theroad. _You posted around 4 months ago that you asked questions for about* *18* *years**. Where exactly do you get the "3 months maximum" from?_


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