# E. D. how do you bring this up delicately to your spouse / partner



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

I don’t know very much about ED but I suspect my H is in the beginning stages of it . ( sorry for the TMI ) Lately he can’t seem to keep it going long enough through the entire time we are intimate.
when I asked why he isn’t feeling aroused he says it’s not that , it’s hot , he is distracted by the dogs barking outside, it’s this it’s that …
I of course don’t want to embarrass him and ask further but I think it’s ED
he’s now 48 and this has never happens to him before . Also his libido seems to be much lesser now as well.
At first I thought that maybe something else is a midst , but it seems no matter what intimate situation he’s in he isn’t able to sustain an erection long enough which at first I found odd since it’s never happened before .
Now he would get aroused for about five minutes and then down to nothing … no matter what intimate things we do —- he keeps making random excuses , I think he knows what it is but isn’t admitting to it of course .
In a case like this do I bring it up ? Or is that a shot to his ego ?
I don’t know how to tread into this but it is affecting our sex life .
I don’t want to be insensitive about it but I feel he needs to address it too and be honest with what changes his body is going through … he can’t keep acting like it’s not happening and blame it on other factors — I’m sorry, but in normal cases there isn’t much that won’t get a man aroused quickly . I am finding his is becoming an ongoing struggle .
He might not want to admit it because he is very much so in denial about aging .. curious what you folks might think is best in this case 

thanks


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

You first need to eliminate any possibility of you having disrespected him. You may not have meant to, but it's possible that a careless word or action might have hurt him unintentionally.
Is he self-conscious about something?
How is his diet? Too much fat? Is he diabetic? How is his blood flow? Can you fix his diet, so he drops some pounds? Medical checkup
Is he doing porn on the side?
Could he recover if he takes a break from sex for a time?
Viagra.

25 Foods That Help You Stay Erect - What Foods Help You Get Hard? (menshealth.com)


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> You first need to eliminate any possibility of you having disrespected him. You may not have meant to, but it's possible that a careless word or action might have hurt him unintentionally.
> Is he self-conscious about something?
> How is his diet? Too much fat? Is he diabetic? How is his blood flow? Can you fix his diet, so he drops some pounds? Medical checkup
> Is he doing porn on the side?
> ...


He is in good shape for his age , he is active and after his last physical , no real issue apart from maybe avoiding too much sweets 
He is a meat and potatoe man and so he isn’t very good with maintaining healthier diet 
I know viagra might be the only way to go now but the thing is how do I bring it up to him ? He is too proud to admit it to me by I know he knows I’m really not buying his excuses any longer
It’s sad he tries to hide it when it’s been so obvious lately


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> He is in good shape for his age , he is active and after his last physical , no real issue apart from maybe avoiding too much sweets
> He is a meat and potatoe man and so he isn’t very good with maintaining healthier diet
> I know viagra might be the only way to go now but the thing is how do I bring it up to him ? He is too proud to admit it to me by I know he knows I’m really not buying his excuses any longer
> It’s sad he tries to hide it when it’s been so obvious lately


Slip it into a smoothie. Haha.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It could be meds he is on or a medical condition. Please get him checked out.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I hate to bring this up because I know you guys are trying to reconnect and you are trying to trust him again, but it is possible that his "ED" with you is because he is masturbating and watching porn alone. 

For YEARS, my STBX struggled to get hard and stay hard when we would have sex, and he would make all kinds of excuses and tell me he must just be getting old. And he went to the doctor, and I found herbs that should have helped, etc etc...but he still always struggled with "ED" with me.

When I accidentally discovered that he was using porn and masturbating in secret the whole time (for YEARS), all the pieces fell into place. He actually had very little trouble getting or staying hard -- he was just doing himself so much alone that he was unable to perform with me. Plus, being with ME wasn't as exciting to him as being alone with the porn, so that caused a struggle for him as well.

Just take care here -- if he is like my husband, he is NEVER going to admit the truth to you.

I HOPE I AM WRONG.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> It could be meds he is on or a medical condition. Please get him checked out.


He just had a physical and was cleared except for some vitamin deficiency that’s normal … the problem is he isn’t openly admitting to the changes


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Savannah01 said:


> He just had a physical and was cleared except for some vitamin deficiency that’s normal … the problem is he isn’t openly admitting to the changes


Has he had his T-levels checked during this physical?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I hate to bring this up because I know you guys are trying to reconnect and you are trying to trust him again, but it is possible that his "ED" with you is because he is masturbating and watching porn alone.
> 
> For YEARS, my STBX struggled to get hard and stay hard when we would have sex, and he would make all kinds of excuses and tell me he must just be getting old. And he went to the doctor, and I found herbs that should have helped, etc etc...but he still always struggled with "ED" with me.
> 
> ...


Yes I’ve considered off shoot possibilities as well , but as you know from my threads he would not be the type to acknowledge even if it were true .
Yes he makes all kind of excuses from dogs barking outside to stress to it being warm in the room … every time .
I can’t imagine this is such an issue each time … it never bothered him before .
But you know he is also in denial about aging so he won’t even check that off as a possibility. He’s very proud and would not openly say he’s just getting older ..
I don’t know whether he is masturbating elsewhere , while home I’m usually around , he’s never by himself so I’m not sure .
It’s for me becoming an issue because it makes it difficult and on the side I feel like he’s maybe not attracted to me ? I mentioned that and he said no , it’s this or the other excuses he gives ..
Not sure what to believe 
All I know is that we can’t even continue having sex without him losing it within 5 minutes and then takes awhile to start up again … I don’t want to openly mention it because I know he will or might start feeling insecure about it and not being able to perform on demand .
But I’m also concerned if this becomes an issue long term


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree with @LisaDiane. He’s had a lot of time in the past not connecting with you, while instead connecting online, and that could be a significant part of the problem — or maybe even the entire problem.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Has he had his T-levels checked during this physical?


Not sure what was but he had a complete physical and it’s was okay it seems .
This is a man who barely goes to the doctor .. After 20 odd years I finally convinced him to do so … he’s the type that if he feels okay he feel indestructible and will not have the need to see any medical doctor because he feels fine 
Stubborn , proud , irrational and out of touch with reality — YES


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I agree with @LisaDiane. He’s had a lot of time in the past not connecting with you, while instead connecting online, and that could be a significant part of the problem — or maybe even the entire problem.


I thought that too … but he’s never gonna admit that to me unfortunately and just keep giving these odd excuses


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Nope, he certainly isn’t going to admit it but it’s the likely answer considering his history. Unfortunately there’s very little you can do with that.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know very much about ED but I suspect my H is in the beginning stages of it . ( sorry for the TMI ) Lately he can’t seem to keep it going long enough through the entire time we are intimate.
> when I asked why he isn’t feeling aroused he says it’s not that , it’s hot , he is distracted by the dogs barking outside, it’s this it’s that …
> I of course don’t want to embarrass him and ask further but I think it’s ED
> he’s now 48 and this has never happens to him before . Also his libido seems to be much lesser now as well.
> ...


He knows there is a problem. At his age he has a lot of company. Not sure why men don’t commiserate with one another, but we dont. Just tell him it is no big deal and can be fixed quite easily, from your description low dose cialis may do the trick. Have him see a urologist. Has he started any new meds recently? Is he overweight? Does he have diabetes?

Talk with him and insist he take some action. He will be happier for it. The longer he has trouble the greater the psychological comes into play. Been there done that. Work this problem today, not tomorrow 

Once you hit menopause the shoe may be on the other foot.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> I thought that too … but he’s never gonna admit that to me unfortunately and just keep giving these odd excuses


No he's not...my STBX actually tried to tell me I wasn't really seeing porn on his phone when he left it laying on the counter in our bathroom before he took a shower. THAT was more insulting than all the other lies. 

I will also add that I was ACCEPTING of him watching porn, and not even begrudgingly - I never asked him about it, I never checked up on him about it, I gave him complete freedom and sexual privacy - but he still insisted on lying to me about it.
He hid SO much of his sexual self from me in every way, and that was just another example of it.

But dealing with a partner who wants a solitary, hidden sex life is VERY difficult, if you want a full sexual relationship.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> He knows there is a problem. At his age he has a lot of company. Not sure why men don’t commiserate with one another, but we dont. Just tell him it is no big deal and can be fixed quite easily, from your description low dose cialis may do the trick. Have him see a urologist. Has he started any new meds recently? Is he overweight? Does he have diabetes?
> 
> Talk with him and insist he take some action. He will be happier for it. The longer he has trouble the greater the psychological comes into play. Been there done that. Work this problem today, not tomorrow
> 
> Once you hit menopause the shoe may be on the other foot.


He’s actually fairly healthy , he’s very active and is at a good weight .
It’s horrible that he can’t be open about this but this is the type of guy he is that won’t admit or acknowledge things that are not going right in any aspect of his life .
Off topic , I think it may stemmed from the way his parent raised him to not answer or openly discuss issues .
Sadly this is the way he views life .
It’s old school and very annoying because we BOTH try to raise our kids openly and as non judgemental as possible 
A shame he is trapped in this mind set of hiding his emotions and personal issues


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> No he's not...my STBX actually tried to tell me I wasn't really seeing porn on his phone when he left it laying on the counter in our bathroom before he took a shower. THAT was more insulting than all the other lies.
> 
> I will also add that I was ACCEPTING of him watching porn, and not even begrudgingly - I never asked him about it, I never checked up on him about it, I gave him complete freedom and sexual privacy - but he still insisted on lying to me about it.
> He hid SO much of his sexual self from me in every way, and that was just another example of it.
> ...


I feel like I’m having to deal with his issues myself , sometimes I feel alone in a sense that he won’t even try to help himself 
I don’t understand why he is so in denial of so many thing going on and chooses to just “ sweep “ it all under 
He’s always been an open person , it has been one of the reasons why I married him , because he openly talks to me 
Over the years that’s changed and sometimes I don’t know who this person is 
The person I knew would openly discuss any problems they have , on this case he keeps plying me like I don’t see his ED 
How long is he gonna blame it on everything else around him ? Every time ?

sooner or later he needs to be honest wit himself if not me


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I feel like I’m having to deal with his issues myself , sometimes I feel alone in a sense that he won’t even try to help himself
> I don’t understand why he is so in denial of so many thing going on and chooses to just “ sweep “ it all under
> He’s always been an open person , it has been one of the reasons why I married him , because he openly talks to me
> Over the years that’s changed and sometimes I don’t know who this person is
> ...


If he's into porn, he's getting off so he doesn't have to rely on you.
It's like drugs. It changes people and rarely for the better.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> He’s actually fairly healthy , he’s very active and is at a good weight .
> It’s horrible that he can’t be open about this but this is the type of guy he is that won’t admit or acknowledge things that are not going right in any aspect of his life .
> Off topic , I think it may stemmed from the way his parent raised him to not answer or openly discuss issues .
> Sadly this is the way he views life .
> ...


That is how most men are. We keep our problems to ourselves. Evidently you have some prior history that is maybe relevant.

What happens if you use other positions? Oral? Will he help you when he loses his hardness? Is your repetoire varied or plain vanilla missionary PIV? When I was having trouble, wife used every trick in her large book. That helped me through the psychological which is the biggest hurdle.

To the urologist with him, dont take no for an answer


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Not sure what was but he had a complete physical and it’s was okay it seems


They don’t check testosterone as part of a routine physical.

It could be physical or it could be mechanical (death grip syndrome).

Since he can get hard to start, get him some silicon rings. They go around the base and they prevent blood from leaving once it gets in there. The result is a harder erection. In my experience they also slightly decrease sensitivity.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> That is how most men are. We keep our problems to ourselves. Evidently you have some prior history that is maybe relevant.
> 
> What happens if you use other positions? Oral? Will he help you when he loses his hardness? Is your repetoire varied or plain vanilla missionary PIV? When I was having trouble, wife used every trick in her large book. That helped me through the psychological which is the biggest hurdle.
> 
> To the urologist with him, dont take no for an answer


We certainly don’t lack in a variety .. we try everything and yes it does work the moment we try then soon enough it starts going downhill 
Certainly no issues to start but he has trouble maintain it 
When I ask what the problem was he gets quiet and then claims every other excuse in the book 
I don’t know if I should keep hiding my frustrations , Which I only do to save him from embarrassment because I don’t want him to feel insecure about it I really do want to work with him on it but it seems like maybe he’s not taking it seriously that I know could it be he really thinks I don’t know what that means?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> They don’t check testosterone as part of a routine physical.
> 
> It could be physical or it could be mechanical (death grip syndrome).
> 
> Since he can get hard to start, get him some silicon rings. They go around the base and they prevent blood from leaving once it gets in there. The result is a harder erection. In my experience they also slightly decrease sensitivity.


Thank you will have to try . I would like to bring up the whole testing thing as well but I guess I’m kind of trying to not embarrass him I don’t know really how he would think if I openly suggest this sometimes men can be very sensitive when a woman tells them there’s something wrong especially with the sex life I know he’s trying desperately to hide it from me and I don’t know if he honestly thinks I don’t understand what’s going on


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> We certainly don’t lack in a variety .. we try everything and yes it does work the moment we try then soon enough it starts going downhill
> Certainly no issues to start but he has trouble maintain it
> When I ask what the problem was he gets quiet and then claims every other excuse in the book
> I don’t know if I should keep hiding my frustrations , Which I only do to save him from embarrassment because I don’t want him to feel insecure about it I really do want to work with him on it but it seems like maybe he’s not taking it seriously that I know could it be he really thinks I don’t know what that means?


Have you told him that his ED is hurting you in a very literal way?
He may be thinking that it is just his problem. 

Most men will tend to handle their medical issues stoically, but they may be more inclined to do something if they understand that they are hurting the wife.

I'm the type of person who, if I got cancer, I would just live my life without telling anybody. However, if the wife saw me sick and told me that my unwillingness to handle it is hurting her I'd be more likely to get the medical help to deal with it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with the suggestion of a C-ring given that he's getting hard but isn't staying hard. It will help for sure. Amazon has sets with a few different diameters so he can figure out which size & positioning works best. Get the thicker ones, too. The skinny ones don't do much for me. 

Since he is getting hard in the first place, though, I think this is mental. I'm 48, in good shape (crossfit 4-5x/wk), and have a similar diet to what you are describing. I've had similar struggles in the last few years and attributed it to ED, but have found the issues to be more in my upper head than the lower one. I got a prescription for the little blue pills in my search for answers (which are fun and now very cheap), but they are more recreational than a necessity.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> We certainly don’t lack in a variety .. we try everything and yes it does work the moment we try then soon enough it starts going downhill
> Certainly no issues to start but he has trouble maintain it
> When I ask what the problem was he gets quiet and then claims every other excuse in the book
> I don’t know if I should keep hiding my frustrations , Which I only do to save him from embarrassment because I don’t want him to feel insecure about it I really do want to work with him on it but it seems like maybe he’s not taking it seriously that I know could it be he really thinks I don’t know what that means?


Do not hide your frustrations!

I will just ask, have you picked up the pace recently? Sometimes women nearing menopause will need sex more often and the husband starts thinking “oh sh**!”Am I up for this?”

About two years ago, my wifes HRT changed and she was back at age 18. Except this old guy was still mid seventies. Had some work to do on me.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi Savannah. Here is my take on things.

We men get older (the alternative is far worse) but we don’t always like to admit It. Sexual performance will inevitably fall off but it can be as much as a mental/confidence problem as a physical health issue.

Putting it simply, in as much as say HRT or Thyroxine can help women or vitamin c is good for colds, viagra can act as a supplement to help men. 

I do think you need to bring the subject up and you may well find he feels some relief in that. As you have already identified, it is the kind of subject men find very upsetting and a vicious circle forms where stress leads to falling performance which leads to more stress etc.

Can I suggest that YOU may wish to buy some Viagra and put it in your bedroom, talk about using it as a supplement in your love making. I do think you should break the link between viagra and sexual failure so would recommend you do this at a time when there is not a problem.

If you can get him to try it once then I bet his confidence comes back and he will only need to use it when confidence falls a bit. Oh, as an aside, you may want to buy yourself a crash helmet.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Oh, I’m sure he’s taking it seriously but he’s hoping you won’t focus on it because he doesn’t want to discuss it. Whether it’s due to his past online activities or not is unknown but that’s a common problem when that stops (assuming it has). You can make suggestions but obviously it’s up to him whether he takes them. He’s likely hoping it will all just go away.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I dealt with this from my exH, it didn't end well. He thought porn and masturbating was easier than sex. His idea of foreplay was to see if I was ready yet, start and go until he came. The sex stopped pretty early on in our marriage, I didn't know what to do.

Every time I tried to talk to him, he got very angry and stonewalled me, silent treatment for days. It created a huge problem in our marriage, he eventually had an EA... After telling me maybe he was asexual. The man lied to my face and gaslit me, I would have believed him, but I had proof (screen shots of his Facebook conversation).

We tried marriage counseling for both issues, I wanted an intimate relationship. The counselor said it was all in his head and gave us homework which he started, never followed through.

He got checked at his GP, got a sample of Viagra but had excuses why he couldn't use it after trying 1/4 of a pill. He gave me every excuse under the sun, and eventually guilted me into shutting up, by pointing out he was there for me when I was ill, now it was his turn.

How good are you at judging if he's lying? It's really impossible to have any meaningful discussion and progress with someone who is allergic to confrontation and truth. Quite honestly, I wish I wasn't so committed,if have saved myself a decade of misery and celibacy. It turns out he was no longer attracted to me, but teenagers got his **** hard, guess I know what kind of porn he liked.

Given your husband's history with Instagram models, I wouldn't coddle him at all. However, an aggressive approach can make things blow up in your face faster. I try not to live in regret, but I wish I forced my hand and didn't let things go on. Btw, my ex cheated on me with a 19 y/o while lying to my face and gaslighting me. I have zero tolerance for dealing with ED now.


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## Joe Montana (Nov 4, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> I dealt with this from my exH, it didn't end well. He thought porn and masturbating was easier than sex. His idea of foreplay was to see if I was ready yet, start and go until he came. The sex stopped pretty early on in our marriage, I didn't know what to do.
> 
> Every time I tried to talk to him, he got very angry and stonewalled me, silent treatment for days. It created a huge problem in our marriage, he eventually had an EA... After telling me maybe he was asexual. The man lied to my face and gaslit me, I would have believed him, but I had proof (screen shots of his Facebook conversation).
> 
> ...


I am a male but what you said here is spot on and I would dare to say this is exactly what is happening with her husband. I am so sorry you lost a chunk of your life to this. We are all naive and think we are doing whats best until we look back and realize we wasted prime years of our life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OnTheRocks said:


> I agree with the suggestion of a C-ring given that he's getting hard but isn't staying hard. It will help for sure. Amazon has sets with a few different diameters so he can figure out which size & positioning works best. Get the thicker ones, too. The skinny ones don't do much for me.
> 
> Since he is getting hard in the first place, though, I think this is mental. I'm 48, in good shape (crossfit 4-5x/wk), and have a similar diet to what you are describing. I've had similar struggles in the last few years and attributed it to ED, but have found the issues to be more in my upper head than the lower one. I got a prescription for the little blue pills in my search for answers (which are fun and now very cheap), but they are more recreational than a necessity.


The husband is the one who needs to take action. I wud get hard, but would go away after awhile, viagra or cialis made no diff. Low T was cause of all of it. Injecting solved ALL.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> The husband is the one who needs to take action. I wud get hard, but would go away after awhile, viagra or cialis made no diff. Low T was cause of all of it. Injecting solved ALL.


I would try weight training first. 

Shots to the penee sound painful.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Joe Montana said:


> I am a male but what you said here is spot on and I would dare to say this is exactly what is happening with her husband. I am so sorry you lost a chunk of your life to this. We are all naive and think we are doing whats best until we look back and realize we wasted prime years of our life.


Thank you. It was very difficult, even now brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I honestly don't know how I kept going, but I did love him and was too stubborn for my own good.

I'd hate to see Savannah wasting her life on a lost cause. Her other posts make me think this is the case , so I'm not being judgmental or callus to men who have legitimate health issues. I don't think anyone capable of living a compartmentalized double life can connect with another person in a meaningful way.

Anyway, I advocate with confrontation, do not let it slide, before he wasted your life. I'm glad my ex cheated, that was my line in the sand. I now have a great sex life and emotional connection with my bf. No more duds.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> We certainly don’t lack in a variety .. we try everything and yes it does work the moment we try then soon enough it starts going downhill
> Certainly no issues to start but he has trouble maintain it
> When I ask what the problem was he gets quiet and then claims every other excuse in the book
> I don’t know if I should keep hiding my frustrations , Which I only do to save him from embarrassment because I don’t want him to feel insecure about it I really do want to work with him on it but it seems like maybe he’s not taking it seriously that I know could it be he really thinks I don’t know what that means?


You need to bring this out in the open because it can destroy your marriage if you allow your frustration to fester! Embarrassment is nothing compared to how he will feel if you begin casting a longing eye elsewhere, which is a tangible risk.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You need to bring this out in the open because it can destroy your marriage if you allow your frustration to fester! Embarrassment is nothing compared to how he will feel if you begin casting a longing eye elsewhere, which is a tangible risk.


Ask a doctor for recommendations, independent of the husband.


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## Joe Montana (Nov 4, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Thank you. It was very difficult, even now brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I honestly don't know how I kept going, but I did love him and was too stubborn for my own good.
> 
> I'd hate to see Savannah wasting her life on a lost cause. Her other posts make me think this is the case , so I'm not being judgmental or callus to men who have legitimate health issues. I don't think anyone capable of living a compartmentalized double life can connect with another person in a meaningful way.
> 
> Anyway, I advocate with confrontation, do not let it slide, before he wasted your life. I'm glad my ex cheated, that was my line in the sand. I now have a great sex life and emotional connection with my bf. No more duds.


No more Duds...thats my new life quote! I am married to one and have avoided the confrontation that needs to happen. A good sex life and emotional intimacy seems like a fantasy right now. So I can relate to the struggles. In a different form.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I would try weight training first.
> 
> Shots to the penee sound painful.


The shots are into the thigh. You are thinking if Trimix which is whole other thing. I just did my injection about 5 minutes ago. It is painless! No big deal!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> The shots are into the thigh. You are thinking if Trimix which is whole other thing. I just did my injection about 5 minutes ago. It is painless! No big deal!


The thigh is not bad.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gently tell your husband that the two of you need to solve this or it isn't going to end well.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Thank you. It was very difficult, even now brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. I honestly don't know how I kept going, but I did love him and was too stubborn for my own good.
> 
> I'd hate to see Savannah wasting her life on a lost cause. Her other posts make me think this is the case , so I'm not being judgmental or callus to* men who have legitimate health issues*. I don't think anyone capable of living a compartmentalized double life can connect with another person in a meaningful way.
> 
> Anyway, I advocate with confrontation, do not let it slide, before he wasted your life. I'm glad my ex cheated, that was my line in the sand. I now have a great sex life and emotional connection with my bf. No more duds.


TxTrini:
Sorry for the way you were mistreated by your ex, you were too good for him. It is said that a life lived well is the best revenge, and seems that is what you have achieved.

I also absolutely believe in confrontation, not letting issues this important in a marriage remain unresolved one way or the other. Men (or women) who have health issues know it. And it isn't being callous or judgemental to expect for them to take action toward resolving them. 

Now, there can be medical issues, especially as we age, that arise with no resolution, for example a cancer patient undergoing the rigors of chemo or recovering from major surgery or losing libido because hormones given to combat the cancer. 

But, yes, Savannah needs to confirm the cause of her husband's problems in the bedroom and make him accountable for working toward a solution. The onus is on the man (in this case) to own the problem and work to fix it. The possible causes for "failure to launch" are myriad, but if they are *self-inflicted *like getting off to porn or internet women in preference to a wife, those are just cheating pure and simple. He should be called to account ASAP and told what the clearcut choices are. Zero tolerance.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> The thigh is not bad.


BTW, Trimix (and Quadramix and BiMix) is used by many men when the oral meds don't work or aren't tolerated well. The needle is so fine, and the injection site has few nerve, so purportedly it isn't a big deal either. If that was what I had to do to stand to attention for the wife, wouldn't give it a second thought. Always under doctor's management of course.

End T/J


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OnTheRocks said:


> Get the thicker ones, too. The skinny ones don't do much for me.


+1 the thick ones are what you want.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know very much about ED but I suspect my H is in the beginning stages of it . ( sorry for the TMI ) Lately he can’t seem to keep it going long enough through the entire time we are intimate.
> when I asked why he isn’t feeling aroused he says it’s not that , it’s hot , he is distracted by the dogs barking outside, it’s this it’s that …
> I of course don’t want to embarrass him and ask further but I think it’s ED
> he’s now 48 and this has never happens to him before . Also his libido seems to be much lesser now as well.
> ...


It's too bad that he can't be real with you and instead feels he has to make excuses. I'm his age, and yes, I take cialis on occassion. I knew what the deal was when it started happening and I was a straight shooter with my wife. I believe in talking about things openly and together solve those issues. Maybe tell him something like that.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> If he's into porn, he's getting off so he doesn't have to rely on you.
> It's like drugs. It changes people and rarely for the better.


I don’t know if he’s that much into porn , I assume he looks — but I don’t see him off on his own whenever he is home , so I don’t know when he would be doing this … he is never behind closed doors in our house really 
If it happens it wouldn’t be at home


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Where was he when all his attention to Instagram models was going on?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Mybabysgotit said:


> It's too bad that he can't be real with you and instead feels he has to make excuses. I'm his age, and yes, I take cialis on occassion. I knew what the deal was when it started happening and I was a straight shooter with my wife. I believe in talking about things openly and together solve those issues. Maybe tell him something like that.


Would you think he’d take offense in me mentioning it ? It’s a shame he’s not an open person when it comes to himself — I think he’s ashamed or something but this is how he learned from his family , so already difficult to change .
I wish he’d be straight with me instead of pretending to everything is okay , I don’t know if he honestly thinks I don’t notice this issue 
I am contemplating whether to be the one who is gonna be direct and talk to him about it , but I also worry he’d be embarrassed and take offense in me telling him about it


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Savannah01 said:


> He just had a physical and was cleared except for some vitamin deficiency that’s normal … the problem is he isn’t openly admitting to the changes


Does he have any medical conditions? Is he taking any drugs? Some of these can cause ED.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Where was he when all his attention to Instagram models was going on?


Honestly during that time I wasn’t probably as aware due to being sick myself , if he did THEN. That would be the time .. lately I could say he’d have any time to be alone doing anything .
Yeah I would think he’d do that before porn since he’s been caught with that and seems to be what he was occupied with for the past year 
Good point


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Does he have any medical conditions? Is he taking any drugs? Some of these can cause ED.


No medical condition no drugs , he will occasionally take gummies but that’s before bed really 
No other major medications 

he’s pretty active and for for his age, he’s very outdoorsy so it’s not anything physical


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Would you think he’d take offense in me mentioning it ? It’s a shame he’s not an open person when it comes to himself — I think he’s ashamed or something but this is how he learned from his family , so already difficult to change .
> I wish he’d be straight with me instead of pretending to everything is okay , I don’t know if he honestly thinks I don’t notice this issue
> I am contemplating whether to be the one who is gonna be direct and talk to him about it , but I also worry he’d be embarrassed and take offense in me telling him about it


You needn't care if he takes offense! *Just tell him straight up that he can pretend all he wants but everything is definitely NOT ok.* Let him know in no uncertain terms that you most definitely object to his failure to perform. If you don't meet this head on and forget worrying about him being embarrassed, your tension and resentment will build with real risk of looking elsewhere. I know you maybe think that could never happen, but it does all of the time. The sex drive in both genders is one of the most powerful forces ever. Some men (and women) instinctively sense problems like this with a married woman (or man) and zero in for the prey. You will unknowingly give off vibes that you are starving.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> You need to bring this out in the open because it can destroy your marriage if you allow your frustration to fester! Embarrassment is nothing compared to how he will feel if you begin casting a longing eye elsewhere, which is a tangible risk.


He already has a wandering eye!


Rus47 said:


> TxTrini:
> Sorry for the way you were mistreated by your ex, you were too good for him. It is said that a life lived well is the best revenge, and seems that is what you have achieved.
> 
> I also absolutely believe in confrontation, not letting issues this important in a marriage remain unresolved one way or the other. Men (or women) who have health issues know it. And it isn't being callous or judgemental to expect for them to take action toward resolving them.
> ...


Thank you.

I agree with your assessment.

@ Savannah Be prepared for him to guilttrip, gas light and stonewall you. That FOO conflict avoidance lifestyle is a KILLER to live with. Honestly, I advise you to get your ducks in a row in case it explodes in your face.



Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know if he’s that much into porn , I assume he looks — but I don’t see him off on his own whenever he is home , so I don’t know when he would be doing this … he is never behind closed doors in our house really
> If it happens it wouldn’t be at home


Girl, you'd be surprised.Its the same way cheaters find time and live to live a double life. I had no idea b/c for the most part, my ex was home on time, when he said he would be. It would be funny if his gf realizes he was romancing her mostly from the toilet taking a crap 😂

ETA:
I know he's not cheating, just pointing out how sneaky some men can be when they're up to no good.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> You needn't care if he takes offense! *Just tell him straight up that he can pretend all he wants but everything is definitely NOT ok.* Let him know in no uncertain terms that you most definitely object to his failure to perform. If you don't meet this head on and forget worrying about him being embarrassed, your tension and resentment will build with real risk of looking elsewhere. I know you maybe think that could never happen, but it does all of the time. The sex drive in both genders is one of the most powerful forces ever. Some men (and women) instinctively sense problems like this with a married woman (or man) and zero in for the prey. You will unknowingly give off vibes that you are starving.


Yes I totally understand. Although I know he will deny it .. even if it’s outright obvious .
He’s not a man that owns up to anything , not even in this matter .
Maybe telling him as it is will make him re think being honest to himself if not even to me 
I don’t get why he is so bent on denying this is potentially an issue 
I suppose it’s ego — but I still don’t get it .


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> He already has a wandering eye!
> 
> Thank you.
> 
> ...


Oh I do appreciate your point of view on this , I get it .
Possibilities are there , I’m still trying to piece it together .
I’m so torn on whether this is a medical thing or is this something else ?
I will confront him with it , he can’t keep telling me he’s distracted by the heat or the dogs barking outside or everything else … Men and men —- if they are in the middle of an act I think it takes a lot of distraction. Plus he can’t think I believe that crock .. EVERY SINGLE TIME ??? 

but yeah for the most part I am aware of where he is all the time at home , he doesn’t lock himself anywhere so I can’t say it’s here at home … I truly think it’s just him and “ age” — but like you said things can be deceiving
I will keep one eye open for sure !


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I totally understand. Although I know he will deny it .. even if it’s outright obvious .
> He’s not a man that owns up to anything , not even in this matter .
> Maybe telling him as it is will make him re think being honest to himself if not even to me
> I don’t get why he is so bent on denying this is potentially an issue
> I suppose it’s ego — but I still don’t get it .


Hon, don't even try, you never will and you'll drive yourself nuts. Just do what you need to do for your own sanity, I hope he meets you halfway,


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Oh I do appreciate your point of view on this , I get it .
> Possibilities are there , I’m still trying to piece it together .
> I’m so torn on whether this is a medical thing or is this something else ?
> I will confront him with it , he can’t keep telling me he’s distracted by the heat or the dogs barking outside or everything else … *Men and men —- if they are in the middle of an act I think it takes a lot of distraction*. Plus he can’t think I believe that crock .. EVERY SINGLE TIME ???
> ...


Let me just enlighten you a bit on the bold. Distraction has nothing to do with it. About two years ago, the wife's HRT changed and her libido went through the roof. This old man began having a difficult time keeping up the pace. I am talking two-three sessions every day. I started having times a few minutes after penetration and would begin getting softer. I was extremely frustrated, my wife knew it and would try to calm my anxiety to no avail. Then the psychological kicked in and every time would be wondering "are things going to work?" so that feedback of course just made matters worse, my mind wasn't in the moment it was imagining the worst. Got script for Cialis amd Viagra. Sometimes neither would work. Finally got urologist workup and diagnosed/treated for low T. It was like my mind was on point but the nerves weren't delivering the message. Testosterone injection solved the issue totally. 

My point is distraction is just the excuse he is using, maybe even to himself. Because he doesn't know what the problem is being caused by. But what is happening to him may have nothing to do with his attraction or desire for his wife. A urologist can do the diagnosis to find a way forward. Someone else suggested a c**k ring, a lot of men swear by them. There are a myriad of solutions for this stuff. Main thing is for him to work the problem rigorously until it is solved. He shouldn't accept things as they are and neither should you.

My wife was more on the other extreme of telling me it was no big deal, things would work out tomorrow, just trying to calm me down. But she certainly hasn't complained since I got things fixed.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Let me just enlighten you a bit on the bold. Distraction has nothing to do with it. About two years ago, the wife's HRT changed and her libido went through the roof. This old man began having a difficult time keeping up the pace. I am talking two-three sessions every day. I started having times a few minutes after penetration and would begin getting softer. I was extremely frustrated, my wife knew it and would try to calm my anxiety to no avail. Then the psychological kicked in and every time would be wondering "are things going to work?" so that feedback of course just made matters worse, my mind wasn't in the moment it was imagining the worst. Got script for Cialis amd Viagra. Sometimes neither would work. Finally got urologist workup and diagnosed/treated for low T. It was like my mind was on point but the nerves weren't delivering the message. Testosterone injection solved the issue totally.
> 
> My point is distraction is just the excuse he is using, maybe even to himself. Because he doesn't know what the problem is being caused by. But what is happening to him may have nothing to do with his attraction or desire for his wife. A urologist can do the diagnosis to find a way forward. Someone else suggested a c**k ring, a lot of men swear by them. There are a myriad of solutions for this stuff. Main thing is for him to work the problem rigorously until it is solved. He shouldn't accept things as they are and neither should you.
> 
> My wife was more on the other extreme of telling me it was no big deal, things would work out tomorrow, just trying to calm me down. But she certainly hasn't complained since I got things fixed.


The unfortunate difference is that at least you had recognized the problem and looked for the help — he is not even acknowledging the main issue nor is he taking any initiative to seek for the fix on his own ☹ I mean I’m imagining if I were a man , I’d be bothered by this and seek out a doctor , a shaman , heck anyone who can help .
I guess I just don’t get why he isn’t alarmed for himself . Is he in denial ?? 
how can he not see it himself.
Maybe because it’s not always completely that bad . Eventually it does get hard enough to finish , but at that point we’re already both pretty frustrated .


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> The unfortunate difference is that at least you had recognized the problem and looked for the help — he is not even acknowledging the main issue nor is he taking any initiative to seek for the fix on his own ☹ I mean I’m imagining if I were a man , I’d be bothered by this and seek out a doctor , a shaman , heck anyone who can help .
> I guess I just don’t get why he isn’t alarmed for himself . Is he in denial ??
> how can he not see it himself.
> Maybe because it’s not always completely that bad . Eventually it does get hard enough to finish , but at that point we’re already both pretty frustrated .


If they aren't in physical pain, most men won't seek medical help.
That's why Obamacare loves men, because they pay and don't use.

The guy that played Screech on Saved by the Bell died of Stage 4 cancer recently.
It might have been treatable, but he never sought treatment.

ED can be symptomatic of a developing medical conditions.
Is Erectile Dysfunction a Sign of Prostate Cancer? | Shockwave Therapy MD


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> The unfortunate difference is that at least you had recognized the problem and looked for the help — he is not even acknowledging the main issue nor is he taking any initiative to seek for the fix on his own ☹* I mean I’m imagining if I were a man , I’d be bothered by this and seek out a doctor , a shaman , heck anyone who can help .*
> I guess I just don’t get why he isn’t alarmed for himself . Is he in denial ??
> how can he not see it himself.
> Maybe because it’s not always completely that bad . Eventually it does get hard enough to finish , but at that point we’re already both pretty frustrated .


Ok...I quoted this because it's likely a good indicator or where the "problem", lies...

Understand, I am a bit older than your H(mid 50's)...That being said, I have never had an issue of ED...Not once..No I am not kidding...But here is the thing...I am not the same guy that I was 25-30 years ago, either......

Women sometimes like to think men are like clockwork in this area...Lets face it, a woman can fake sex a lot better and more effectively than a man can due to obvious physiological differences.. Women like to think that just the presence of an available woman should get any guy sufficiently aroused and able to perform with little to no issues.._.Its just not true in a lot of cases.._.I know that there were times in my past where I screwed women that I didn't particularly find attractive,(a few I barely knew-it was the 80's, lol) but they were available and so that was that...Today, I can easily see how I may have issues if I was compelled to sleep with a woman that for whatever reason(lack of physical/sexual attraction, resentment on some level. etc), then sure I can easily see a possibility of erection problems...

What you brought up in this post I quoted is key....Every guy on this planet Earth, knows about the "fixes" for this problem...No one has to be told or coerced into getting their hands on it, either...Most of the guys my age, have this stuff around like aspirin or vitamin C...You think for one minute that he wouldn't access that and that you need to grab him by the ear and drag him to the Dr? Nope...

Thankfully I don't have to deal with this, but perhaps this is where the problem lies...Its not so much an erection problem or a biology problem.

My guess? And bear in mind this is obviously just a theory, based on what facts you have laid out...He is generally happy with his life, but sex isn't as much of a desire for him as it once was, coupled with a general loss of sexual attraction for you...That could happen from a variety of stimuli, maybe there is something about you that is turning him off....He is not going to talk it out with you, because doing so is going to be like a bomb drop, that he and you will likely never recover from...So forget that idea...

An interesting "test" to this theory is to put that same guy in a room with a willing other woman...Of course that is not practical, but it would actually prove the point I am trying to make...I have often thought of this in the sense that from a genetic diversity/propagation of the species, it makes no sense to keep having sex with the same woman year after year(the same to be said if genders reversed)....Like this is the joke our Creator played on us...Give us this enormous burning desire and need, then make it socially unacceptable.... 😂 

I dunno Sav...I just think the problem is a bit beyond simple blue pills....


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> I mean I’m imagining if I were a man , I’d be bothered by this and seek out a doctor , a shaman , heck anyone who can help…


That is true for me. If my equipment didn’t work more than once I’d be at the doctor getting it checked out.

Yesterday I was tired and trying to go to bed, my wife jumped on top of me in her bra and panties and 10 seconds later I could drill through walls with that thing like Black and Decker.

If that stopped happening I think like Rus described I think I would experience some mild panic.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> The unfortunate difference is that at least you had recognized the problem and looked for the help — he is not even acknowledging the main issue nor is he taking any initiative to seek for the fix on his own ☹ I mean I’m imagining if I were a man , I’d be bothered by this and seek out a doctor , a shaman , heck anyone who can help .
> I guess I just don’t get why he isn’t alarmed for himself . Is he in denial ??
> how can he not see it himself.
> Maybe because it’s not always completely that bad . Eventually it does get hard enough to finish , but at that point we’re already both pretty frustrated .


I will say it again. Men keep their thoughts to themselves, it isn't our nature to show weakness or divulge problems of any kind, especially to other men. That is one reason prostate cancer kills a lot of men, because they refuse to see a doctor when problems arise. My wife asked me when was going on if any of my friends had problems. I told her they likely did, just because ED is fairly common problem as men age, just as Menopause is just a fact for women as they age. But while for example, my wife discusses HRT with her firends, my firends would would never in a million years discuss ED with me. 

I may be in a little different place, because had prostate cancer decades ago, underwent surgical removal, and experienced all of the side effects of nerve damage, including ED for nearly a year. The wife and I kept our relationship going by other than PIV. Thankfully the nerves healed, so an implant wasn't necessary. So have no reluctance dealing with this stuff by seeing a doctor.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> Ok...I quoted this because it's likely a good indicator or where the "problem", lies...
> 
> Understand, I am a bit older than your H(mid 50's)...That being said, I have never had an issue of ED...Not once..No I am not kidding...But here is the thing...I am not the same guy that I was 25-30 years ago, either......
> 
> ...


Yes I get your point … and maybe that is true and is the case . Personally this is the only time I’ve ever come across this so I don’t exactly know where to begin or end it .
I’m trying to tactful about it , and not demand him to “ fix” the issue off the bat 
But if indeed part of the issue is me , then how do I really I really solve that ? We know he won’t straight out say it .
It’s a little sad though I think when this happens and men loose interest sexually with their partner — yes women can have that as well but I guess at least men don’t right out see it … it’s a bit of a blow to ones ego to feel that is the case

and certainly I've felt that and even Mentioned to him which of course he denies that’s the issue


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> That is true for me. If my equipment didn’t work more than once I’d be at the doctor getting it checked out.
> 
> Yesterday I was tired and trying to go to bed, my wife jumped on top of me in her bra and panties and 10 seconds later I could drill through walls with that thing like Black and Decker.
> 
> If that stopped happening I think like Rus described I think I would experience some mild panic.


Exactly how I feel — so I’m not sure why he is in denial , I mean this is a part of a man that is highly important isn’t it ?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I will say it again. Men keep their thoughts to themselves, it isn't our nature to show weakness or divulge problems of any kind, especially to other men. That is one reason prostate cancer kills a lot of men, because they refuse to see a doctor when problems arise. My wife asked me when was going on if any of my friends had problems. I told her they likely did, just because ED is fairly common problem as men age, just as Menopause is just a fact for women as they age. But while for example, my wife discusses HRT with her firends, my firends would would never in a million years discuss ED with me.
> 
> I may be in a little different place, because had prostate cancer decades ago, underwent surgical removal, and experienced all of the side effects of nerve damage, including ED for nearly a year. The wife and I kept our relationship going by other than PIV. Thankfully the nerves healed, so an implant wasn't necessary. So have no reluctance dealing with this stuff by seeing a doctor.


I get that and do understand. My H is certainly that type of man who will ignore issues to its extent just because he doesn’t want to talk about it 
It’s a shame though and I feel it’s worse that he tried to hide it and actually assumes I believe the “ distraction “ excuse 
I mean how many times can he use that ??


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I get that and do understand. My H is certainly that type of man who will ignore issues to its extent just because he doesn’t want to talk about it
> It’s a shame though and I feel it’s worse that he tried to hide it and actually assumes I believe the “ distraction “ excuse
> I mean how many times can he use that ??


One other question. Are you a woman for whom only PIV will float the boat? My wife is very satisfied by oral or manual stimulation. Also, when had problems, as after surgery, she would get up on top and rub herself on my flaccid member with good results. Where there is a will there is a way. Just sayin…


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> He just had a physical and was cleared except for some vitamin deficiency that’s normal … the problem is he isn’t openly admitting to the changes


Sounds like Low T to me. I had same symptoms. Been on testosterone injections since 37. All good now.

"Cat cant scratch it and diamond won't cut it." 

Back when having problem maintaining it i would get in my head and things would go downhill fast. 

As for the being too 🔥. I get that but it prevents me from reaching climax. Makes the usual 45 min bout go 1.5hr or more. I usually put AC on 70-71 degrees.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> Thank you will have to try . I would like to bring up the whole testing thing as well but I guess I’m kind of trying to not embarrass him I don’t know really how he would think if I openly suggest this sometimes men can be very sensitive when a woman tells them there’s something wrong especially with the sex life I know he’s trying desperately to hide it from me and I don’t know if he honestly thinks I don’t understand what’s going on


He knows there are issues. Biggest issue is a spouse that will not try to fix themselves.

Does he have issues being tired or sleeping more?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> Oh I do appreciate your point of view on this , I get it .
> Possibilities are there , I’m still trying to piece it together .
> I’m so torn on whether this is a medical thing or is this something else ?
> I will confront him with it , he can’t keep telling me he’s distracted by the heat or the dogs barking outside or everything else … Men and men —- if they are in the middle of an act I think it takes a lot of distraction. Plus he can’t think I believe that crock .. EVERY SINGLE TIME ???
> ...


Not as much distraction as you think. If he starts worrying about loosing his erection that fear will snoball and come crashing down. I have stopped due to loosing an erectiln and 15 min later game on!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ccpowerslave said:


> That is true for me. If my equipment didn’t work more than once I’d be at the doctor getting it checked out.
> 
> Yesterday I was tired and trying to go to bed, my wife jumped on top of me in her bra and panties and 10 seconds later I could drill through walls with that thing like Black and Decker.
> 
> If that stopped happening I think like Rus described I think I would experience some mild panic.


Black and Decker?
Im thinking more Rigid!😉


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sounds like Low T to me. I had same symptoms. Been on testosterone injections since 37. All good now.
> 
> "Cat cant scratch it and diamond won't cut it."
> 
> ...


It’s probably well worth mentioning to him that having tests done may be a good step in the right direction


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> He knows there are issues. Biggest issue is a spouse that will not try to fix themselves.
> 
> Does he have issues being tired or sleeping more?


He’s working more hours so he is always tired and sleepy to a point that sometimes he will say he doesn’t even want sex or doesn’t initiate or doesn’t act on my own advances 
He claims he’s just so beat and just needs to rest


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> One other question. Are you a woman for whom only PIV will float the boat? My wife is very satisfied by oral or manual stimulation. Also, when had problems, as after surgery, she would get up on top and rub herself on my flaccid member with good results. Where there is a will there is a way. Just sayin…


No i am never opposed to other means , I’m just concerned for him more so than me 
I just want him to be able to acknowledge that this is somewhat concerning if it for his health , also for our intimacy 
I just don’t like the fact that he ignores it like it isn’t a point of concern 
But surely I am open to other ways but right now I worry about him


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> He’s working more hours so he is always tired and sleepy to a point that sometimes he will say he doesn’t even want sex or doesn’t initiate or doesn’t act on my own advances
> He claims he’s just so beat and just needs to rest


What is more hours? What kind of job?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> He’s working more hours so he is always tired and sleepy to a point that sometimes he will say he doesn’t even want sex or doesn’t initiate or doesn’t act on my own advances
> He claims he’s just so beat and just needs to rest


In another thread you wrote “My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the *need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media *( though he says it’s innocent ,”

This puts a whole other slant on this thread IMO. Are you sure he is tired out from his job not from some sidepiece he met on social media? Are you sure the extra hours are at work? If someone else is feeding him it is no surprise he isnt hungry when he comes home. And maybe the other girl is in his head when you are trying to get his full attention. Sorry, but conversing with other women is over the line. And it wont end there. I have NEVER conversed with another female unless wife is present. And if his equipment isnt working 100% some men think they need to check it out riding someone besides the wife. Hope am wrong.

i really need to read prior threads from now on


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yes, getting old sux!
you have gotten a lot of good advice.

my ideas: viagra is exactly for this. it will make him harder, and make him last longer. try it.

there are other things like penis vacuum pumps, and rubber **** rings he slides onto the base of his penis to stop the blood from flowing back out.

you could try stimulating things to do to him as his penis starts to deflate. such as using your finger tips to pinch his nipples very hard. or use the tip of your finger to circle the opening to his anus as you have sex.

you wearing kinky lingerie might help him to keep it hard longer.

realize this is NOT him thinking you are not sexy! Instead it is likely a bonafide medical condition making him go soft.

if all that stuff does not help, get him to a urologist to see what has gone wrong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I get your point … and maybe that is true and is the case . Personally this is the only time I’ve ever come across this so I don’t exactly know where to begin or end it .
> I’m trying to tactful about it , and not demand him to “ fix” the issue off the bat
> But if indeed part of the issue is me , then how do I really I really solve that ? We know he won’t straight out say it .
> It’s a little sad though I think when this happens and men loose interest sexually with their partner — yes women can have that as well but I guess at least men don’t right out see it … it’s a bit of a blow to ones ego to feel that is the case
> ...


Weren‘t the Instagram models he followed a totally different body type — one he had said in the past he wasn’t attracted to? Some men do lose sexual interest in their wife over time — especially if they married against their type (and only he knows if that’s what he did). And, no, he’s not likely to tell you because there’s nothing you could do to fix that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> In another thread you wrote “My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the *need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media *( though he says it’s innocent ,”
> 
> This puts a whole other slant on this thread IMO. Are you sure he is tired out from his job not from some sidepiece he met on social media? Are you sure the extra hours are at work? If someone else is feeding him it is no surprise he isnt hungry when he comes home. And maybe the other girl is in his head when you are trying to get his full attention. Sorry, but conversing with other women is over the line. And it wont end there. I have NEVER conversed with another female unless wife is present. And if his equipment isnt working 100% some men think they need to check it out riding someone besides the wife. Hope am wrong.
> 
> *i really need to read prior threads from now on*


Yes, that’s the problem with a story being posted on several threads — not everyone who posts will know the backstory. In this case, I think his fascination with Instagram models of a much different body type than hers could play into it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Weren‘t the Instagram models he followed a totally different body type — one he had said in the past he wasn’t attracted to? *Some men do lose sexual interest in their wife over time* — especially if they married against their type (and only he knows if that’s what he did). And, no, he’s not likely to tell you because there’s nothing you could do to fix that.


Savannah in an earlier thread was wondering about middle-life crisis with his "new" (?) interest in women on SM. I have had MANY coworkers who at about 45-55 started wondering what another besides their wife would be like. Wondering what they had been missing. I imagine the same dynamic plays out with females as well. At that age, they had sufficient funds to attract attention. Had one overweight long married acquaintance who actually bought a brand new vette so he could pick up women. Worked too, until his wife had a PI get the goods on him. Then she ended up with the vette and everything else too. 

Ended a lot of long marriages with middle-aged crazies.

The old men I knew weren't interested in a body type different from their wife. Any different body would do. Everyone knows that the sneaking around with adultery, the illicit aspect drives their libido through the roof. The girl ( or man ) might be way uglier than their spouse. It makes no difference.

Savannah's husband is INSANE if he is casting an eye away from his wife. How many men come on TAM complaining about dead bedroom syndrome? Her husband has an eager, enthusiastic partner who loves and desires his attention and he either isn't doing all he can to rise to the occasion, or fishing in some other sewage-filled pond for minnows. Middle aged crazy for sure.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Have you tried just lifting your hands of this issue? And just stop caring about him so much? It’s clear he’s not into you right now (going on previous posts). So why not just stop talking about it? 

Get really busy, back away and become unavailable. And busy. Did I mention busy? Stop initiating sex, stop asking him questions, find ways to always have something to do during times when you’re usually together. 

You don’t have to be aloof or nasty, you can be pleasant but keep it short. Right now, you’re focusing too much on the whys and how’s and worrying about him. And let’s face it, you’ll never hear the truth. (Men just don’t talk that straight). 

So now you just gotta not care and give some of the focus to you. (None if this is easy, it’s heartbreaking I’m sure.) 

A man can really make a woman feel worthless, but believe me when I say all women that are beautiful inside are some man’s fantasy somewhere.

There’s nothing more heartbreaking (and frankly very unattractive) in a horny man with a wife beside him who’s being ignored and crying into her pillow. I see it often, and it’s really really unattractive. They have a certain demeanour about them. To me, they’re the duddest of the duds. 

We know one couple, childhood sweethearts, and from a first glance the wife seemed less attractive then the husband. But oh my goodness she is magnetic! I’m a woman and think she is the most beautiful and most gorgeous woman ever. All of our husbands are in awe of her too. And she adores her husband. 

And the husband is an utter creep, a real d*%head. I actually don’t know how she manages to stay so riveting and full of life out in public. His eyes are darting around all the time, I hate bumping into them 😫 she confided to one of us a similar story to yours ED, too tired, texting women etc. And she’s so heartbroken apparently she cries all the time and has tried everything. 

Look this story is getting long, but the point is, to us, and all the guys, this women is the prize!! She’s the catch. But there she is, still chained to the twat who is just really on the surface, a bit good-looking. Do you see what I mean? I’ve know that women for decades, I KNOW she’s been an inspiration to me and so many others, and it boggles my mind that her light would be muffled by that Nancy she’s married to. Who won’t divorce her either, which is unfair because believe me she’d be snapped up and have a line of men wanting her. 

You HAVE to start thinking of yourself as a prize. Not chasing him anymore. You’re running after a guy who can’t make you feel good - is that a prize??? Are you a winner? Who wants a man like that? 

Do what you need to do, to be chased. Even if it’s a fantasy in your mind that some man is dreaming about the smell of your hair, just stop giving any energy to this man anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> I don’t know very much about ED but I suspect my H is in the beginning stages of it . ( sorry for the TMI ) Lately he can’t seem to keep it going long enough through the entire time we are intimate.
> when I asked why he isn’t feeling aroused he says it’s not that , it’s hot , he is distracted by the dogs barking outside, it’s this it’s that …
> I of course don’t want to embarrass him and ask further but I think it’s ED
> he’s now 48 and this has never happens to him before . Also his libido seems to be much lesser now as well.
> ...


It's very hard for them to talk about. One of my boyfriends didn't let me know that's what was going on for 10 years until after he had moved away and gotten therapy and gotten married and had a baby. 

The closest he ever came to alluding to it went over my head because he just used the word confidence, which could have applied to other things since he was a performer. 

Don't bring it up in bed. Or any time when things might be leaning romantically where there could be some expectation and pressure. Sometime when things are just kind of neutral and private, tell him you've noticed there seems to be a problem and asked if you would like to talk about it. He probably would not. Then ask if he's seen a doctor and ask what he found out. That's about all you can do. It may just freaked him out at first but maybe he'll come around later after he's given it some thought and try to talk about it.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> What is more hours? What kind of job?


He’s in manufacturing and usually does 12 hour days


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> In another thread you wrote “My husband is showing extreme signs of what I feel is midlife crises — questioning life , fearing sickness and death , the *need to be active and do things he’s never done , sudden interest in following and conversing with women on social media *( though he says it’s innocent ,”
> 
> This puts a whole other slant on this thread IMO. Are you sure he is tired out from his job not from some sidepiece he met on social media? Are you sure the extra hours are at work? If someone else is feeding him it is no surprise he isnt hungry when he comes home. And maybe the other girl is in his head when you are trying to get his full attention. Sorry, but conversing with other women is over the line. And it wont end there. I have NEVER conversed with another female unless wife is present. And if his equipment isnt working 100% some men think they need to check it out riding someone besides the wife. Hope am wrong.
> 
> i really need to read prior threads from now on


Yes this occurred to me although I don’t really know how else I can find out if he really does go to work or not .
For as far I know I’m assuming he does , he comes home on time and is with me weekends . 
I wanna trust him , but yea I’m the back of my mind I also worry if that’s the case .
I am almost scared to find out but I need to and that’s a whole a whole other story I have to tackle .
He has been telling me he’s been tired or just seems to not have as much ready interest as before
I remember when a year before I got sick he was always wanting sex and now it seems I’m the one asking 
He claims we don’t need sex all the time , and that has been a red flag to me as he never refused sex ever .. but I have no solid proof of anything to suggest any wrong doing 
As far as I am aware it’s only been flirting on DMs on social media


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Weren‘t the Instagram models he followed a totally different body type — one he had said in the past he wasn’t attracted to? Some men do lose sexual interest in their wife over time — especially if they married against their type (and only he knows if that’s what he did). And, no, he’s not likely to tell you because there’s nothing you could do to fix that.


Yes , I mean of course after 20 odd years my own body isn’t as it was when we met I our 20s , this entire time he’s always reassured me how much he loves the way my body looks and didn’t care that he looks different because he claims at that time he liked it because it was a sign that I gave birth to his children and blah blah blah and stupid me I suppose I kind of semi believe that to be true but of course what else would a man say to his wife right? And he always did not like fake anything I had a point in my life where I wanted to get my breasts augmented and he was so against it , And I ended up not doing it and he gave me the ***** reasoning that he hated fake anything on a woman’s body and he did not want his wife to have that. Years past and he was still thinking that way he just did not like anything a natural and lo and behold when I found him liking and following women on Instagram the same body type was a parent they all were wearing bikinis and of course all their bodies were fake or than fake none of them even had real boobs to speak of the all look fake so, That in another post is why I am questioning how he can tell me one thing and be doing that in another and when I did approach him and kind of pointed that out he had some stupid I don’t know responds it just happened that way he had no real answer or street anything about it it was ridiculous.
At the moment he’s being more well behaved I don’t know maybe because this has been an ongoing issue for us the last couple of months he’s been taking more time to be with me, he’s been taking me places more he’s been a little more attentive than usual but I have yet to see something more concrete sometimes he still stops me dead on my tracks because he will still act like I’m asking too much when I do ask for intimacy and he claims it’s because he’s tired and that we don’t always need to do that and to me that’s again out of character this man has never refuse sex in his life and never ever claims being tired for it in fact he’s the one that’s always chasing me for intimacy a year ago up until that time so it’s some thing happening I don’t know I don’t have any proof and until I do I really can’t accuse him because he could make matters worseApart from lost interest


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's very hard for them to talk about. One of my boyfriends didn't let me know that's what was going on for 10 years until after he had moved away and gotten therapy and gotten married and had a baby.
> 
> The closest he ever came to alluding to it went over my head because he just used the word confidence, which could have applied to other things since he was a performer.
> 
> Don't bring it up in bed. Or any time when things might be leaning romantically where there could be some expectation and pressure. Sometime when things are just kind of neutral and private, tell him you've noticed there seems to be a problem and asked if you would like to talk about it. He probably would not. Then ask if he's seen a doctor and ask what he found out. That's about all you can do. It may just freaked him out at first but maybe he'll come around later after he's given it some thought and try to talk about it.


Oh I know it would freak him out if I ever open up the subject, for one thing he’s not the type to really readily admit this because he’s in fact in denial about aging why would he admit that his performance is suffering for whatever reason. I don’t know why but the older he gets the more he seems to hide a lot of things even personal things about himself he isn’t as open as when we first met 20 odd years ago you would think that a relationship would draw closer and more intimate but I find that he hides more things for me and this is one of those that he would never admit even if it’s right there in obvious , He will stick to all the stupid excuses even if it’s already so ridiculous. I realize I can’t just bring that up but what can you do I have to say something at some point


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe at this time in his life he needs “exaggerated” body types to get aroused because … any number of reasons. That’s obviously not fixable on your part, if that’s the case, and he’s certainly not going to admit if it is. So do what you can and let the rest go.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Maybe at this time in his life he needs “exaggerated” body types to get aroused because … any number of reasons. That’s obviously not fixable on your part, if that’s the case, and he’s certainly not going to admit if it is. So do what you can and let the rest go.


Yes sadly that’s a tough thing I can only do so much on my part, it’s a little sad isn’t it when things go that way I guess maybe in my head I’m living in this fairytale thinking that your partner is supposed to love you forever and ever regardless at least isn’t that what they say it should be? LOL


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes , I mean of course after 20 odd years my own body isn’t as it was when we met I our 20s , this entire time he’s always reassured me how much he loves the way my body looks and didn’t care that he looks different because he claims at that time he liked it because it was a sign that I gave birth to his children and blah blah blah and stupid me I suppose I kind of semi believe that to be true but of course what else would a man say to his wife right? And he always did not like fake anything I had a point in my life where I wanted to get my breasts augmented and he was so against it , And I ended up not doing it and he gave me the *** reasoning that he hated fake anything on a woman’s body and he did not want his wife to have that. Years past and he was still thinking that way he just did not like anything a natural and lo and behold when I found him liking and following women on Instagram the same body type was a parent they all were wearing bikinis and of course all their bodies were fake or than fake none of them even had real boobs to speak of the all look fake so, That in another post is why I am questioning how he can tell me one thing and be doing that in another and when I did approach him and kind of pointed that out he had some stupid I don’t know responds it just happened that way he had no real answer or street anything about it it was ridiculous.
> At the moment he’s being more well behaved I don’t know maybe because this has been an ongoing issue for us the last couple of months he’s been taking more time to be with me, he’s been taking me places more he’s been a little more attentive than usual but I have yet to see something more concrete sometimes he still stops me dead on my tracks because he will still act like I’m asking too much when I do ask for intimacy and he claims it’s because he’s tired and that we don’t always need to do that and to me that’s again out of character this man has never refuse sex in his life and never ever claims being tired for it in fact he’s the one that’s always chasing me for intimacy a year ago up until that time so it’s some thing happening I don’t know I don’t have any proof and until I do I really can’t accuse him because he could make matters worseApart from lost interest


You are painting him with the same brush that women say men are just after looks by discounting his feelings about your baby body. I was so attracted to my wife when she had a belly looked like triplets....could not keep my hands off her. Seeing her c-sec scar and streatch marks it takes me back to that feeling i had as she was carrying our children.

You in turn are badically saying he cant be attracted to you and has to feel about you the same way you do.

Breast augmentation....just know...unless it is seriously needed, reduction, mastectomy. He may be thinking about the fact that alot of women who get a tit job start cheating in short order. 

I believe he needs HRT.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes sadly that’s a tough thing I can only do so much on my part, it’s a little sad isn’t it when things go that way I guess maybe in my head I’m living in this fairytale thinking that your partner is supposed to love you forever and ever regardless at least isn’t that what they say it should be? LOL


The dirty little secret of marriage is that many lose sexual interest in their partner over time. People sometimes change and for various reasons what they once enjoyed isn’t always what they continue to enjoy. This may be just who he is now.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> You are painting him with the same brush that women say men are just after looks by discounting his feelings about your baby body. I was so attracted to my wife when she had a belly looked like triplets....could not keep my hands off her. Seeing her c-sec scar and streatch marks it takes me back to that feeling i had as she was carrying our children.
> 
> You in turn are badically saying he cant be attracted to you and has to feel about you the same way you do.
> 
> ...


Well that’s a thing at one point he was a lot like you and admiring the fact that my body changed but he claims he didn’t mind because it was due to our children and that was never a bad thing for him. But then here comes a whole other story of him looking at women that do not look anything like I do now these are women that obviously have all these things done to them the very thing he hated about any woman even for me he didn’t desire this but here he is admiring those?
How can he be so hypocritical about it if he means to admire my body changes for what it is then he shouldn’t be on the down low looking at women with fake boobs right?
It just makes me wonder which is true out of the chew the comment about me or his desire for these altered women?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Openminded said:


> The dirty little secret of marriage is that many lose sexual interest in their partner over time. People sometimes change and for various reasons what they once enjoyed isn’t always what they continue to enjoy. This may be just who he is now.


Absolutely agree, it is very saddening to know that this type of thing occurs in marriages especially when you were the one at the receiving end. It makes you wonder that your spouses desire has it’s limits and it really isn’t for better or worse before all this I would never have guessed my husband to be any of this latest issues that’s been happening between us but I suppose it’s a bit ignorant to think that people won’t change over time. 
right now he doesn’t even want to talk about it when I do ask him if some thing is the matter a question if some thing is distracting him bothering him or is it just plain me and instead of saying no or anything about me he quickly just tells me all other excuses around the situation like being tired or the dogs are distracting him when they bark outside, but he never really addresses any loss of interest of course but I can tell he just hasn’t been acting the way He was in the past.
He used to be the one always initiating every moment he can and now when I initiate it it almost feels like he’s rejecting me for all other reasons being tired it’s just simply not the same and I don’t know where to even begin


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> Would you think he’d take offense in me mentioning it ? It’s a shame he’s not an open person when it comes to himself — I think he’s ashamed or something but this is how he learned from his family , so already difficult to change .
> I wish he’d be straight with me instead of pretending to everything is okay , I don’t know if he honestly thinks I don’t notice this issue
> I am contemplating whether to be the one who is gonna be direct and talk to him about it , but I also worry he’d be embarrassed and take offense in me telling him about it


Absolutely talk to him. Not neccessarily about that, but what you would like to see in your marriage, openness and honesty. Together you solve the worlds problems.. alone you solve none.


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