# why do women get blame for affair ?



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

why do women get blamed for hubbys affair ?


i replied to a post in the sex in marriage section on here about a guy whos wife gave it to him 3 x a week but he wasnt happy and boy did i get the blame ?!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/65107-we-have-sex-3-times-week-what-more-do-you-want.html
, 
anyway why is it always the *womans fault why men cheat, lie and are pigs ??!!*:scratchhead:

i was a good wife. enjoyed it, participated willingly 2 - 3 times a week ... apparently didnt make moves on him 50% of the time only 1 x month so didnt love him. when i wasnt up to it would offer to relieve him which he enjoyed.

what do men want ??

i was never a wet rag, just lying there saying hurry up or go away i have a headache :sleeping:

i got sexy clothes/ lingerie and he would ignore me, he never hardly kissed me apart from peck on cheek but then i would give him oral and say yes all the time 

.............. why is it my fault ??:scratchhead:


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Prepare to have a bunch of male BS here who have been blamed for their wives' affairs come after you lol.

But in all seriousness it really goes both ways and I don't think it's necessarily a male or female trait.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's the same on both sides of the fence. When a man or woman is cheated on the usual reaction is "Oh. Looks like someone wasn't taking care of business at home." 

It's just an ignorant reaction.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Prepare to have a bunch of male BS here who have been blamed for their wives' affairs come after you lol.
> 
> But in all seriousness it really goes both ways and I don't think it's necessarily a male or female trait.



ok i will prepare.....

maybe its both that get blamed but thing is even my hubby said when we have talked about frequency of couples

"there must be so many unhappy men out there ?! no wonder so many have affairs "

his words.. not mine


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> i replied to a post in the sex in marriage section on here about a guy whos wife gave it to him 3 x a week but he wasnt happy and boy did i get the blame ?!
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/65107-we-have-sex-3-times-week-what-more-do-you-want.html
> ,
> ...


It's a load of self-serving crap that all WS, male or female, use to justify their poor character. If you are an enthusiastic partner in the sexual aspect of your marriage and your husband feels that something is lacking, it is his duty to bring it up with you so that the two of you could work on things together. He has no justification for taking up with anyone else.

A woman in that situation doesn't deserve what's happening to her and I can tell from your posts that you, like a lot of woman, would frame the questions in the manner of trying to determine what you did wrong, or where you failed as a wife. You need to get that out of your head. When a spouse cheats, it's that spouse's fault completely. Period.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

JMGrey said:


> It's a load of self-serving crap that all WS, male or female, use to justify their poor character. If you are an enthusiastic partner in the sexual aspect of your marriage and your husband feels that something is lacking, it is his duty to bring it up with you so that the two of you could work on things together. He has no justification for taking up with anyone else.
> 
> A woman in that situation doesn't deserve what's happening to her and I can tell from your posts that you, like a lot of woman, would frame the questions in the manner of trying to determine what you did wrong, or where you failed as a wife. You need to get that out of your head. When a spouse cheats, it's that spouse's fault completely. Period.


Men and women cheat in equal amounts. Men just have the reputation for it.

Who does your H think all of those men are cheating with?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> i replied to a post in the sex in marriage section on here about a guy whos wife gave it to him 3 x a week but he wasnt happy and boy did i get the blame ?!
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/65107-we-have-sex-3-times-week-what-more-do-you-want.html
> ,
> ...


Well, I could say the same thing about women. Why do wives cheat when they have good men at home at home who are great husbands and fathers and give them what they ask for and they still behave like lying pigs, having affairs and bringing their Affair Partners filth home to their husbands. You see .... it works both ways.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Men and women cheat in equal amounts. Men just have the reputation for it.
> 
> Who does your H think all of those men are cheating with?



i dont know who they're cheating with, he paid for it so maybe thats it ??:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> participated willingly 2 - 3 times a week ...


I sure as hell don't want a "willing" partner.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

How dare you women not take the responsiblity for all this adultorus sociaity...its all your falt and you all suck!! LOL

Ok really....when did having a moral compase become gender specific? Don't we all have a resposeablity to be true and honest poeple and have respect for one another?

I don't care what gender you are if you are broken enough to cheat,steal and lie and especially betray the ones that love you the most, then no matter what sex you are you are scum...not just regular scum but pond scum! IMHO


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## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Ovid said:


> Men and women cheat in equal amounts. Men just have the reputation for it.


I don't that necessarily true. I think it's more that historically and sociologically, a man experiences fewer social stigmas as a result of infidelity than a woman, though that is changing somewhat in recent years, so they have less incentive to hide it. I think that stems from the fact that an unfaithful wife calls into question paternity, which has greater ramifications for family and fostering of children.



Ovid said:


> Who does your H think all of those men are cheating with?


I hope you're addressing that to the OP, as I'm a guy.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> i dont know who they're cheating with, he paid for it so maybe thats it ??:scratchhead::scratchhead:


With the exception of purchased sex my point remains. Just look at the forums. All of the men upset by their cheating wife. If they talk about it in the real world everyone says "guess he wasn't keeping her satisfied". Unfortunately most people don't understand the dynamics of cheating until it happens to them.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> i replied to a post in the sex in marriage section on here about a guy whos wife gave it to him 3 x a week but he wasnt happy and boy did i get the blame ?!


It's better to begin your story independently instead of hitching onto an ongoing thread and having the wrong context applied to you. 

I had someone explain his theory of cheating this way - you can have filet mignon every night of the week, but every now and then a man wants fish.

Well, okay - I get the point but a wife is not a piece of dead meat. And a steak can't sue you for alimony. Nor can a fish dinner give you an STD.

So this is not exactly the kind of thinking that advances civilization.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

Disenchanted said:


> I sure as hell don't want a "willing" partner.



when i say that i dont mean it like i agreed but didnt actually want to.,
i enjoyed it, was happy to do it and if he left me along for 3 days then i would be wanting it from him and asking him for it. 

not just a wife that was trying to keep her man happy


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

My wife will admit, as will I, that sex was always good in our marriage - at least, satisfying for both parties. We just didn't like each other in the end. Then my wife cheated. But it was the lies that killed the marriage.

It's not always about the sex. The sex is a symptom, not the cause.

And the gender bias is not true. It goes both ways.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Ovid said:


> Men and women cheat in equal amounts. Men just have the reputation for it.
> 
> Who does your H think all of those men are cheating with?


I doubt its equal. For the most part I think they are very close. Men have been cheating for centuries, but I feel women took the edge in recent times. 

I'm a male BS so maybe i'm biased, but it just feels like it. 

Nowadays cheating on your husband is 'liberating yourself' and 'finding happiness you deserve' and with all states being no fault and our broken ass our system unremorseful WWs really don't give a damn about divorce anymore since they're pretty much guaranteed to come out ahead as long as they're not a basket case. Infidelity doesn't come anywhere close to holding it used to in the past.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Kasler said:


> I doubt its equal. For the most part I think they are very close. Men have been cheating for centuries, but I feel women took the edge in recent times.
> 
> I'm a male BS so maybe i'm biased, but it just feels like it.
> 
> Nowadays cheating on your husband is 'liberating yourself' and 'finding happiness you deserve' and with all states being no fault and our broken ass our system unremorseful WWs really don't give a damn about divorce anymore since they're pretty much guaranteed to come out ahead as long as they're not a basket case. Infidelity doesn't come anywhere close to holding it used to in the past.


Now a days women have social web sites and coworkers, but back in the day there were traveling sales men and milkman.

So if you think the oppertunity is there more, ..now that there is social media and more women in the work force, your kidding your self, back in the day women also had oppertunity, and it came to there door as they stayed home and took care of the house...'ol the good ol days...

My brother told me I look like the mailman..hehehhe.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i should have made the topics why do women get blamed for mens affairs .

yes i agree that men prob get the blame for womens affairs .

wiserforit: yes i'll try not to post half way thru a story. i did post mine but maybe it was too long as i really didnt get many replies. 

its just i feel so sad right now and i want to move past feeling it is a wifes responsibility to keep her hubby happy or risk him having an affair ?!

i felt i did all that i could do and it wasnt enough ??
i used to say that men prayed for a wife like me....... he now realizes how lucky he was cause nothing is happening in the bedroom or anywhere else now


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Nah, back then the man was pretty much king of his kingdom, and infidelity left a scarlet letter with much more effect than it does now. 

Someone has an affair, no one really cares unless related to them. 

Back then someone had an affair rumor mongering, and other less savory reactions. 

While not really right, what we have currently is this 'girl power' ideal and like I stated previously a broken legal back system. 

I'd talk on this in depth, but don't want to derail the thread.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Prepare to have a bunch of male BS here who have been blamed for their wives' affairs come after you lol.
> 
> But in all seriousness it really goes both ways and I don't think it's necessarily a male or female trait.


Yes, I am one of them - it is not gender specific - both genders cheat as I found out first hand.

Here's a question for you - why do some women genderize something that happens to both genders? Similar question....

bad morals fall to both genders......and so does blaming for affairs as many of my ex's emails and fb posts can verify.....

Here's a beef of mine speaking of genders----my ex used to say all men are pigs because they cheat but I found out her and her friends never cheated because they changed the "nature" of the relationship - that is "it was over for years" thus not cheating and thus not an affair - oh, but forgot to tell her spouse it was over...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I personally know about 10 couples who are divorced including me and the woman having the affair opposed to the man is basically 2:1... It may be odd, but I see women doing it more in my personal sphere.

I don't blame any gender. I'm sorry if you feel slighted. I believe cheaters are pretty low, lacking morals etc... I travel and had plenty of opportunities to cheat. So what I did was NEVER put myself in a situation where I could cheat and hence I was always loyal. I never wanted to be that guy who hurt his children or wife for a wild romp. 

I guess I am crazy by today's standards.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> I personally know about 10 couples who are divorced including me and the woman having the affair opposed to the man is basically 2:1... It may be odd, but I see women doing it more in my personal sphere.
> 
> I don't blame any gender. I'm sorry if you feel slighted. I believe cheaters are pretty low, lacking morals etc... I travel and had plenty of opportunities to cheat. So what I did was NEVER put myself in a situation where I could cheat and hence I was always loyal. I never wanted to be that guy who hurt his children or wife for a wild romp.
> 
> I guess I am crazy by today's standards.


you are an exception. 

my hubby said that if we dont fix the sex thing it will be fatal for our marriage ?!

he had it often and had a great wife and he wasnt happy so he had sex with someone else....

now i cant stand him touching me .... we havnt done it in about 3 months because HE WAS UNFAITHFUL 

its very hard for me to move forward past this because i think well he had it all but it wasnt enough?!
:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> I personally know about 10 couples who are divorced including me and the woman having the affair opposed to the man is basically 2:1... It may be odd, but I see women doing it more in my personal sphere.
> 
> I don't blame any gender. I'm sorry if you feel slighted. I believe cheaters are pretty low, lacking morals etc... I travel and had plenty of opportunities to cheat. So what I did was NEVER put myself in a situation where I could cheat and hence I was always loyal. I never wanted to be that guy who hurt his children or wife for a wild romp.
> 
> I guess I am crazy by today's standards.


All the statistics I've seen show that men and women cheat at about the same rate... with men cheating a couple of percentage points more then women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goodwife4 said:


> you are an exception.
> 
> my hubby said that if we dont fix the sex thing it will be fatal for our marriage ?!
> 
> ...


Why are you staying with him if you feel this way now?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

People who have affairs will blame others for them. I don't think gender matters, it's a way for the cheating spouse to redefine what they've done rather than come to terms with what they are.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's not your fault, nor is it the fault of the betrayed husband,

It is entirely the fault of the cheating scum who chose to cheat.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

What shaggy said. Blame goes to the one who cheats. Blame is not about gender.

Cheaters don't want to take responsibility for themselves, so they blame the spouse they betrayed in order to justify themselves. But that is just self serving bullcrap.


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## stillcoping (Oct 14, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Prepare to have a bunch of male BS here who have been blamed for their wives' affairs come after you lol.
> 
> But in all seriousness it really goes both ways and I don't think it's necessarily a male or female trait.


 There's just too many bitter BS in this group but the BHs are the worst in my opinion. They will crush you and tear you down just because you're a painful reminder of what their WS did to them. I was an (unknowing) OW since I didn't know my X was married and they shred me to pieces and twisted my words just to make me look bad. They even tried to report me so they could have me banned from posting (which they succeeded until I was unbanned coz I didn't do anything wrong but post my own story) I think they believe they own this forum for some reason.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Looking through good wife's original link and prior posts I guess I am not seeing the blanket gender bias that the thread title calls out.

I see your own WH blamed his affair on you. I thinks many people have pointed out that marital problems do not justify an affair. Posters stated that the wayward is wrong.

In the sex discussion I did not see any "blame" being assigned. I did see many people say that lack of sex in marriage will lead to trouble (right or wrong trouble is trouble). That thread was by a woman with lower drive than her H. Search out the other threads where the H has lower drive. You will see the same advice given to the man, work on the sexual relationship or the marriage will suffer.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Ovid said:


> With the exception of purchased sex my point remains.


Your point is still valid _even with purchased sex._

Who exactly is selling it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> My wife will admit, as will I, that sex was always good in our marriage - at least, satisfying for both parties. We just didn't like each other in the end. Then my wife cheated. But it was the lies that killed the marriage.
> 
> It's not always about the sex. The sex is a symptom, not the cause.
> 
> And the gender bias is not true. It goes both ways.


Well save for people who get into drunken ONS...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> All the statistics I've seen show that men and women cheat at about the same rate... with men cheating a couple of percentage points more then women.


Be careful of statistics - studies have also shown women are LESS likely to admit to affairs due to how they will be perceived socially.....lies, damn lies, and statistics...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I think the most telling statistic is not the ones where people admit to cheating but the statistics where people are asked if they would cheat if they would never get caught. Men and women both say they would over 70%. So that's 70% that are actually open to it. Couple that with the fact that cheaters don't expect to get caught and you have a real number for cheating if opportunity knocks.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Once again though, Ovid, females would be less likely to admit to be willing to have an affair...but I will concede it is an equal amount of females and males.....I do not buy into gender-based arguments (i.e., one is worse than the other)...human behaviour is human behaviour....we go about it differently..but in the end we are equally culpable..


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Cause often a big motive for men cheating is for sex but the reality is they were going to cheat anyways regardless of how much sex you give them. Unless , i.e., they were in a sexless marriage.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Be careful of statistics - studies have also shown women are LESS likely to admit to affairs due to how they will be perceived socially.....lies, damn lies, and statistics...


I deal with divorce for a living. I believe men cheat more for many reasons but primarily because of development and differences in the brain. One reason i also believe men cheat more is that its women primarily filing for divorce. Contrary to the belief that some people have the person who files for divorce is usually (almost always) the one who has been "wronged". There is a cynical belief that some have about women and divorce rates, in which they believe the women are always divorcing the man because they found someone better. These ill pre-convinced notions/beliefs are entirely based off bitterness, wrongful conclusions, and naivety.

Women file for divorce roughly 75% of the time and i assure you majority of the time its not because they found someone better, the divorce leaves the woman (almost always) worse off financially than were she was along with destroyed mentally and often isolated and lonely. Also it makes no sense for the cheater to file for divorce as they are having the best of both worlds, the times when the cheater does file for divorce is when they found someone else they genuinely "love" and wish to marry. In my experience men are the ones who are more likely to file for divorce because they found a better woman and this does happen, the man will play it smart and work out all the legal "work" before hand than drop divorce on his wife randomly before she can ever find out about his affair. Its also been in my experience that women become more jaded following divorce while men can bounce back better. Majority of the times a wife files for divorce its because she has had enough of being mentally or physically abuse or cheated on or all of those. You have to remember where divorce women end up especially those with kids (most of the time they gain custody) but are subject to almost poverty. Divorced women in America are one of the poorest groups of people and become more limited in who they can "date" as men often find divorce women as "damaged goods" let alone divorced women with kids.

Their is a belief that most divorce women end up "divorcing" mr "perfect" nerdy nice guy and that she was "ex party girl s*lut" and that she makes off with all of his money, gets the kids than marries a richer man. The reality is these are extremely rare cases and only common among the gold digger crowd and wealthier individuals. Most divorce cases are not happening among this crowd of individuals as when a person's wealth and education goes up they are less likely for divorce, and in these cases (my experience) the wealthier a man becomes the more inclined he is to cheat and be inclined to come file for divorce against his wife because he found someone else. 

When men file for divorce which is much more rare its because the wife cheated or because they found someone better. Rarely is it because of abuse its pretty much split 50/50 between them finding someone else or the wife cheating.



bigtone128 said:


> Once again though, Ovid, females would be less likely to admit to be willing to have an affair...but I will concede it is an equal amount of females and males.....I do not buy into gender-based arguments (i.e., one is worse than the other)...human behaviour is human behaviour....we go about it differently..but in the end we are equally culpable..


Yes human behavior is human behavior but you are given to delusion if they think the sex are equal. Their development yields different results, the fabrics of society are orchestrated in such a way as are their brains that similar behavior can be prevalent at times but the majority of times its not in maters that play into specific roles.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Once again though, Ovid, females would be less likely to admit to be willing to have an affair...but I will concede it is an equal amount of females and males.....I do not buy into gender-based arguments (i.e., one is worse than the other)...human behaviour is human behaviour....we go about it differently..but in the end we are equally culpable..


We're not in disagreement. I was actually trying to make the point that both genders cheat in equal numbers. The statistice consistantly show men and women cheating in similar numbers, with men only cheating at a slightly higher percent, but that women are more likely to lie about it. So yes I agree with you completely. 

Affairs are not a sexual act as much as they are a selfish act, and selfishness knows no gender.


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i suppose i was really wanting to ask why it is said that if someone is not being satisfied then thats why they have affair ??

when my hubby wanted sex we did it. i enjoyed it, it was fun. but 2 or 3 times a week of that plus pleasing himself was not enough so he got someone else to do it..... and paid for it....

i dont blame myself anymore but i just want to understand what men want ?

as for women lying more that may be true ??... but my hubby took 3 years to tell me about it ??????????? and lied ALL THAT TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

goodwife4 said:


> i suppose i was really wanting to ask why it is said that if someone is not being satisfied then thats why they have affair ??
> 
> when my hubby wanted sex we did it. i enjoyed it, it was fun. but 2 or 3 times a week of that plus pleasing himself was not enough so he got someone else to do it..... and paid for it....
> 
> ...


It's just blame shifting. They're passing the buck rather than admit they were wrong.

Women are more likely to lite in the statistics. All cheaters are liars.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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