# Help please-My of wife of 23 years has left me



## KCCO

I am absolutely devasted. A week last Monday I received a text from my wife of 23 years saying that she wouldn't be coming away with me that night and she wanted some time away. She said she thought she still loved me but had been given a place to stay for while. My life felt like it ended that day and it still feels like that now - I am in pieces, absolutely wretched.

She came 'round to talk on Tuesday. I say she but the cold, heartless, uncaring person I saw before me was not my wife, she seemed like an alien. I told her how much I loved her and begged her to reconsider but she said she can now do what she wants when she wants how she wants so is happy. However, her parting shot was that she would go away and think about it.

The are two complications to this tale. The first is that 3 months ago she was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression. Her father is in a care home because of alcoholism and her sister is a severe alcoholic. She's also never got over the death of her mother a few years ago. Thus I thought her depression was because of these things not me - how wrong it seems I was. I have been to see a doctor because of my suffering and he's given me some sleeping pills. However, when I described my wife's action and the depression he said it sounded like she's had an 'episode' and needed to see her doctor urgently.

The second is our 23 year old twin sons who returned home from long trips away just after she left. It was their birthday and she didn't even call them. They did get a text and a card but that's it. She was devoted to them but hasn't actually spoken to one of them for nearly 6 weeks.

When she was here last she said some horrible hurtful things. 'I haven't wanted to kiss you for a long time' just being one of them. The person before me was heartless and my wife was I thought anything but that. She was always kind, caring and considerate

I don't gamble, I don't drink excessively, I don't womanise and have honestly never said no to anything she wanted to do. Things haven't been great lately but I'd put this down to her depression. I was happy to devote my life to this woman and now all I have left is my loneliness and utter despair. Is there any hope she'll be back?


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## Zulu

KCCO said:


> She came 'round to talk on Tuesday. I say she but the cold, heartless, uncaring person I saw before me was not my wife, she seemed like an alien.
> 
> When she was here last she said some horrible hurtful things. 'I haven't wanted to kiss you for a long time' just being one of them. The person before me was heartless and my wife was I thought anything but that. She was always kind, caring and considerate
> 
> Things haven't been great lately but I'd put this down to her depression. I was happy to devote my life to this woman and now all I have left is my loneliness and utter despair. Is there any hope she'll be back?



Man o man, sorry to hear, I know the feeling, been there, dome that.

My money says she is having an affair, what you need to do now, is toughen up... do not contact her, do not beg her to come home, do NOTHING that says that you are interested in her. CUT her out of your life, get on with your ;ife and start living.

You have become boring and her percption is that she needs to look elsewhere for excitement.

Best of luck mate, you have a TOUGH road ahead.


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## Neil

Check the Manup and Nice Guy reference in the Mens clubhouse.

Although I really suspect that her actions are more to do with "another interested party"


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## Zulu

Let me guess, she is 43-47 and she said.... "I am not in love with you anymore".... "I do not love you anymore".... "I have no feelings for you"..... "I cannot see myself spending the next 20 years with you"..... "It is not you, it is me, I need space"....

Man, you need to believe this, she will deny anything, DO NOT confront her about an affair... if you have NO proof... either get some, or leave it, it will eat you like a cancer and you have no idea how strong you are, if you want to wait, wait.... but can tell you, pretty much put my neck on a block, she is getting some from some 32-36 year old useless spineless piece of hyena turd.... and all he says to her is that she is hot, pretty, sexy etc etc etc...


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## KCCO

Thanks everyone. She's 47 and yes she said all of am not in love with you anymore".... "I do not love you anymore".... "I have no feelings for you"..... "I cannot see myself spending the next 20 years with you"..... "It is not you, it is me, I need space"....

Trouble is I asked her direct - Is there anyone else? - and she said 'no' and I believed her.


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## magnoliagal

I'm almost 45 and this is a tough age. She might not be having an affair so don't go getting all paranoid until you have proof. 8 months ago I almost walked out on my husband of 20 years. I went through some stressful times which triggered my depression. I was longing for some "space". I was unhappy not a cheater.


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## KCCO

Thanks for that. It's given me some hope. How did you reconcile things?


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## magnoliagal

I chose to tell my dh how I felt and what I wanted. Only difference is I still loved my dh. It just wasn't working so I wanted to leave. I was having an identity crisis as well so I also put myself back in therapy to deal with. I was smart enough to know that ending my marriage wouldn't instantly make me any happier so I have chosen to stay and work on my issues. I also have little kids so they motivate me to make this better instead of bailing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal

One more thing though. These guys are right about the man up stuff. If she is serious about leaving you have to let her go. Work on yourself and let her find out for herself that the grass isn't always greener.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## franklinfx

1st of all leme say Im sorry for the pain youre feeling, we all been there.

2nd it seems quite simple to me, shes got a messed up family, and its Fing up her mind to the point, where she has no emotions left for anything, or anyone else. I dont think its you, because she doesnt want to have much to do with her own kids either. shes sounds a bit self absorbed. I wouldnt beat yourself up about it. Good luck.


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## SeaverWhat

I'm only 21, and I've been married for just a short time. But I've read countless book and articles already in order to avoid problems such as this in the future.
One book I read, The Five Languages of Love (highly suggest), has a section devoted to a similar incident, except with a man saying and doing the hurtful things.
Their story was typical. "They had an exciting courtship, got married at the height of the in-love experience, had the typical adjustments in the early days of marriage, and pursued the American dream. In due time, they came down off the emotional high of the in-love experience but did not learn to speak each other's love language sufficiently. She had lived with a love tank only half full for the last several years, but she had received enough expressions of love to make her think that everything was okay. However, his love tank was empty."
Now I'm not sure if this applies to you at all. But if it does, keep in mind that you're are in the position of this woman. 

The man came into his office (the marriage counselor who wrote the book) with a stoic appearance, unfeeling. "I just don't love her anymore," he said. "I haven't loved her for a long time. I don't want to hurt her, but we are not close. Our relationship has become empty. I don't enjoy being with her anymore. I don't know what happened. I wish it were different, but I don't have any feelings for her." 
This mindset occurs with hundreds of thousands of married couples, and it gives that spouse the emotional freedom to seek love with someone else. 
Basically, your wife's love tank may have been empty for some time due to the routine, mundane processes that occur later on. The death of her mom, and the alcoholism of her family may have made the emotional need for love even heavier. How did you respond to her throughout these difficult times? Were you caring, considerate, loving, a good listener? I'm not sure if you were or were not.
You're wife's need for love may have driven her to find it elsewhere. The in-love experience temporarily fills that space; the feelings that someone cares, admires her, appreciates her. "Emotions soar with the thought that another person sees us as number one, that he or she is willing to devote time and energies exclusively to our relationship."
Eventually, the husband in the book admitted that he'd been seeing someone else for several months. "He had hoped that the feelings would go away and that he could work things out with his wife. But things at home had gotten worse, and his love for the other woman had increased. He could not imagine living without his new lover."
The counselor said "I sympathized with Brent in his dilemma. He sincerely did not want to hurt his wife or his children, but at the same time, he felt he deserved a life of happiness."

Long story short, the husband's fling began to withdraw from the relationship and he felt rejected (the in-love experience faded). He returned to the counselor, and the husband and his wife reclaimed their marriage and their happiness. They did this by learning each other's primary love languages, which in essence, fill the emotional love tank. 3 years later, the husband came back and said, "My tank has never been so full, and Becky is the happiest woman you are ever going to meet."

I don't know how much of this applies to you. I do highly suggest this book, and this section alone shows that a relationship in this much distress, even with an affair, can be salvaged with enough love. Your wife may be seeing someone else, and she may be "in-love," but it will not last.

What you do is completely up to you, but if you chose to wait for her, it will be hard, and you will get hurt, but it will all be worth it with some perseverance.


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## KCCO

Thanks for all the replies everyone. All are helpful and it's lovely to know that there are total strangers out willing to help me.

When she was going through all this stuff with her family I was, or at least I thought I was, very supportive and loving. In fact, I got told off for doing too much! I told her I loved her often and made many trips to help sort things out.

I guess I'm gonna have to wait. At the moment she's just not communicating and until she does I won't know what is going on.
I do know though that I wouldn't wish what I'm going through on my worst enemy - it is truly horrible.


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## Amplexor

magnoliagal said:


> She might not be having an affair so don't go getting all paranoid until you have proof. 8 months ago I almost walked out on my husband of 20 years. I went through some stressful times which triggered my depression. I was longing for some "space". I was unhappy not a cheater.



:iagree:

The big flag here for your wife is that she had stopped contact with your sons several weeks ago. I would lean toward some kind of "episode" as your doctor eluded to, not an affair. 

OBTW, I heard many of the same things from my wife 4 years ago. Not in love with you anymore, need space, not attracted. We recovered and the marriage is now happier than it's been in years. For now, don't chase her, she'll only run farther. Don't beg, don't plead just be as confident as you can be around her that you'll be fine what ever. Read Dobson's Love Must be Tough.


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## KCCO

Well, one son has gone away for the weekend. It's like a morgue around here so I'm taking the other one away for a few days. Still nothing from my wife/their mother!


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## KCCO

Not a good weekend! I'm afraid I broke down a few times and still feel absolutely in the depths of despair. However, following some advice I'd received and, long story short, I called her and left a message on her phone saying I'd been thinking a lot and hoped we could talk. She's agreed to meet me on Tuesday morning. So, I guess I might know more then.

Now, what do I say? I certainly am going to try and hold myself together and not show her my truly wretched state. Pathetic, desperate and needy is not likely to impress her. Any ideas?


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## scdmack

KCCO said:


> Not a good weekend! I'm afraid I broke down a few times and still feel absolutely in the depths of despair. However, following some advice I'd received and, long story short, I called her and left a message on her phone saying I'd been thinking a lot and hoped we could talk. She's agreed to meet me on Tuesday morning. So, I guess I might know more then.
> 
> Now, what do I say? I certainly am going to try and hold myself together and not show her my truly wretched state. Pathetic, desperate and needy is not likely to impress her. Any ideas?


To be honest with you I probably wouldn't have even called her. Let her call you. She will eventually. Stay Strong. Go to the gym, get some stress/aggression out. 

I'm going through my own issues here at my place but that's been the best advice i've received thus far. 

Focus on your kids and she will come around -- and she will see what she's been missing!


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## magnoliagal

I wouldn't have called her either. You aren't ready to see her.


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## Atholk

The first thing you do is get control of the money. She may clean you out.

Go over the phone records and email to see if you can find anything of note.

Don't contact her before Tuesday.


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## anx

From the 180 and personal experiance, say very little. Be short on words.
If she is feeling unhappy, you will not convince her otherwise with words.

I cannot stress this enough. Even though you are desperate, stay strong and let her talk. Appear strong and confident as much as you can. Desperate and needy only pushes her away. Be truly sorry for anything that you did that she says wasn't ok (if its the truth). Confront any lies respectfully. 

She will probably say some TOTALLY messed up stuff. I've heard the worst things a husband can hear and then a month later she can FORGET she said those things (this also happened a lot in sdcmack's story) or when she isn't feeling unbarebly unhappy, she doesn't really know why she said those things.

Weather it like a champ. The hits may come hard and fast. I seriously have heard almost all of them, and none of them were true. They were true when she was feeling hurt, scared, angry, confused, and trapped. They weren't true a month later after I showed her love and REFUSED to escalate, disrespect, or negatively respond to what she said.

Realize that this talk one tuesday is very high stakes. 

If you only responded with:
"what do you mean"
"I don't think thats the truth"
"I'm sorry if you felt like that, I really didn't know thats how you felt" 
"I didn't know you were unhappy, I'm sorry for what I did that made you unhappy"
"I love you and want this to work. I would like to talk about this more in MC"
I think you would be better off.

Practice it before you get there.
W: I never loved you
H: what do you mean
W: (something else horrible, you treated her wrong, etc)
H: I love you and want to talk to you about this in MC

W: there no hope, i'm done
H: I didn't know you were unhappy, I'm sorry for what I did that made you unhappy
W: (other horrible probably untrue things)
H: I don't think thats the truth
W: (more horrible things)
H: I would like to talk to you about this in MC. I love you and want this to work
W: (now screaming horrible things at you)
H: I won't fight with you here. I'm going to schedule MC and would like you to join me.

If she cheated, thats a whole different story. My MC story is in my profile and the 180 that people talk about is there too.

I also agree with the recommendation to read love must be tough.

Best of luck


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## KCCO

Anx,

Thanks for the advice. It sounds very sound and I shall try and follow it. Thanks for taking the time and trouble to post.


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## ManDup

One thing you might try to think through (without necessarily acting on it) is the idea that she is already gone. I realize it's painful, as it was for me. But allow yourself to consider that, so that you get a picture of what is the worst that can happen. You're still alive, you're free to do all those things for you that you've been neglecting, the sun will come out again, etc. Once you allow yourself to hit rock bottom, rather than dangle endlessly above the pit, it is a little bit freeing. Consider, too, the bare fact that as men get older they get more attractive, so being alone will be your choice only; you need do that only as long as you want to.

It's kind of like buying a car. You have to be willing to walk away to really have any power anyway. And chicks dig power, right? Anyway, put yourself first throughout all this, because no one else will.


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## anx

YouTube - Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

One last thing. Your story may sound like the walk away wife syndrome. Its a pattern that repeats itself over millions of couples. 

Do you know if you wife has been unhappy for a long time? My wife as unhappy for at least 2 years and I didn't know about it. Often with kids, everything blows up as soon as they move out. The wife can silently be unhappy for years waiting for the day when she can get out after the kids move out. That along with the depression and a death in your story is going to be rough.


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## KCCO

Well, we met and talked. She was very tearful, I managed to stay calm, spoke softly and told her that I understood why she had done what she had. I said that the last two weeks had been horrible but had taught me a lot and I'd realised I'd made mistakes. I said that all I wanted was a chance to rectify those mistakes and that loved her dearly.

Her initial response was to say that she's been living a lie for some while and that she didn't feel anything for me. There was no mention of anyone else and after a time she mellowed a little and said she needed more time to think. She wasn't saying no but she wasn't saying yes.

Frankly, I don't know what else I could have done. I told her that I wouldn't be in touch, that I loved her and that she could have some time. I also said that I couldn't just be her friend.

All in all I'm still in the same position - just waiting. How long I shall have to wait I just don't know. I'm still abolute wreck


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## anx

Sounds like a pretty good update. I still don't understand really why wifes do that. My wife did that too. My MC story is in my profile. 

I don't understand why they don't tell you that they are unhappy, the reasons, and how to fix that. They think that you won't change or can't. 

Anyways, schedual MC. The first few sessions are just background, so even if she isn't willing to work on it yet, you should get in NOW. At least start talking in there. She owes you at least a few MC sessions after 20+ years of marriage.

Also, get a STACK of MC books. Gottman's seven principals is a great place to start. Start learning anything you can. Show her you are dedicated. Follow the 180. Give her space. If you are religiously inclined, reconnect with that (and read sacred marriage and love must be tough). 

MC takes about a 12-18 months. Its a mind f*ck and an emotional rollercoaster. Best of luck and stay strong.


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## magnoliagal

anx said:


> I don't understand why they don't tell you that they are unhappy, the reasons, and how to fix that. They think that you won't change or can't.


Google walk-a-way wife syndrome.


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## KCCO

My wife saw one of my twin sons yesterday for lunch. She told him she was sorry for the all the hurt she was causing me but wouldn't then talk to him about the situation at all. She hasn't spoken to my other son for 5 weeks and that's just cruel. I'm guessing, but I think she doesn't want to speak to him because he's very angry and would give her 'both barrels!'


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## anx

Probably something like that. She isn't really ready to talk about this with anyone, and thats not that uncommon. Its going to take her a long time to process this. 

It is really weird that she hasn't spoken to her son for that long. wow.


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## KCCO

Well, he was in the USA for three of those but he's been back two


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## KCCO

*Re: Help please-My of wife of 23 years has left me: Many of you were right!*

OMG! Many of you were right and what a complete fool I've been! I finally decided that I had the courage etc. to look at her old phone and I'm now certain she has been having an affair for 2 years!!!! She's lied and cheated and decieved me and then had the gall to pretty much blame me for the break up. She's being having secret meetings with this guy regularly but told me I was just being paranoid when she was out. She also clearly lied to and deceived her sons.

Actually, I know him a little. He's a motorcycle mechanic who is married and a well know cheater. 

I feel a bit better for finally knowing what is going on. I have sent her a message a couple of hours ago to which I have yet to have a reply. It read-

'You said I was too controlling. You dismissed my concerns as paranoia as did I. What a fool I've been. You lied to me for nearly 2 years and worse, you decieved the boys. One word.....(his name) Oh (my wife) how could you! When and if you finally want to tell the truth you know where I am'


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## okeydokie

i would never want to lay eyes on anyone who did that to me, boot her and start the rest of your life. she may not lament losing you but her sons, wow


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## Amplexor

Tough news KCCO, so sorry. But at least now you have some clarity and understand the real dynamics. She will be left to her own devices. Cheating with a known cheater. It'll end badly for her.


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## anx

I'm also very sorry to hear this.

Instead of coming to you to fix it when she was feeling love fade she went to another man. 

I agree with amplexor. The relationship she has with him will fall apart. The guy she messed around with will only break her heart. I would point this out to her.

If you want to work this out at all, read the book me and amplexor suggested and get in MC.

Best of luck


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## KCCO

Thank you to you all for your concern and advice. I value it alot.

She has finally got back to me by text and guess what? She tried to blame me by saying 'no happy person ever had an affair'. I told her that she was my wife and that I should be able to trust her. I also told her not to blame me and said she chose an affair over working on our relationship. She said sorry but of course she is not. No way!

I cannot believe this is the woman I have known and loved for 26 years! I shall never trust anyone again.


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## anx

> She tried to blame me by saying 'no happy person ever had an affair'.


Its how affairs work unfortunately. Some withstanding issues isn't addressed because communication or something else is broken. She might be bored after that long and that many kids.

She was missing the emotional and physical connection with you and found it in someone else instead of repairing it with you. She might not have fully realized how unhappy she was and that she was missing the connection. You probably both contributed to the loss of connection, but it was her choice to find another man instead of doing the hard work (introspective and with another person) of fixing it. Attraction to people is natural. What holds people back from acting on it is an emotional connection, happiness, and getting needs meet from someone else. Your wife probably found a connection with someone after not having it with you for a while.

She justifies her actions based on the hurt she felt when she should have come to you and demanded MC or something along those lines.

MC and generally fixing a relationship that has been together for any length of time is REALLY hard work. 

Whats worse is this can all go on totally undetectable. A few times my wife has TOTALLY surprised me with sometime. I was convinced that she was in love with me because she TOLD ME THAT. The truth was she was hiding her unhappiness to both protect my feelings and because she wasn't being honest with herself or me. 

Again, I'm really sorry this happened to you. You probably both contributed to a breakdown of the happiness in your marriage and connection, but it was your wifes decision to cheat instead of doing the hard work of confronting that. You aren't a mind reader and can't know how she is feeling or why.

I know this probably doesn't help anything, but from what I know, its largely the underlying process.

Best of luck


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## Amplexor

KCCO said:


> She has finally got back to me by text and guess what? She tried to blame me by saying 'no happy person ever had an affair'.


She is reading from the script, nothing you can say will make her change her mind. 

If you are willing to try and save the marriage, do the 180. 

If your are ready to give up on her do the 180 and keep walking.


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## KCCO

I will do the 180. I'll also see what my counsellor has to say about what to do next. I'm seeing her on Thursday.


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## KCCO

I think we're into the mind games now. I've just had a text to say she's in H**** (200 miles away) but she'll come round to fetch some papers on Friday. Why the hell do I need to know she's 200 miles away!? Probably 'cause she wants me to wonder what she's up to!

She still hasn't confronted anything as far as I'm concerned and my sons have told me I should call her and read her the riot act for treating me so badly. Their view is that after 23 years of marriage I deserve better and should not let her get away with her behaviour. On balance though I'll stick with my 180 plan. Trouble is, should I be in or not when she comes 'round on Friday?


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## magnoliagal

I'm so sorry.


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## hanpet

KCCO said:


> Now, what do I say? I certainly am going to try and hold myself together and not show her my truly wretched state. Pathetic, desperate and needy is not likely to impress her. Any ideas?


It's the exact thing to do. Just hold yourself and slowly open up matters. Don't rush, create a friendly environment.

God bless!


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## scdmack

*Re: Help please-My of wife of 23 years has left me: Many of you were right!*



KCCO said:


> OMG! Many of you were right and what a complete fool I've been! I finally decided that I had the courage etc. to look at her old phone and I'm now certain she has been having an affair for 2 years!!!! She's lied and cheated and decieved me and then had the gall to pretty much blame me for the break up. She's being having secret meetings with this guy regularly but told me I was just being paranoid when she was out. She also clearly lied to and deceived her sons.


You know what to do. If I found evidence such as this i'd be done. DONE. 

This may actually be a relief to you I can only imagine?

At least you have a clean conscious now. You KNOW she had a PA. I couldn't recover from that.


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## KCCO

Trouble is scdmack I still love her more than I can say. If that makes me a sap then that is what I am.


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## anx

KCCO said:


> Trouble is scdmack I still love her more than I can say. If that makes me a sap then that is what I am.


:iagree: My story is pretty different, but I'm in the same boat.


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## Amplexor

KCCO said:


> Trouble is scdmack I still love her more than I can say. If that makes me a sap then that is what I am.



Forgiveness does not make you a sap. Allowing her to continue to walk on you does. If you think she possesses the stones to fight for the marriage give it everything you've got to recover. If not, dress your wounds and walk away.


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## KCCO

I arranged to be out when she came round today to collect some papers of her father's she needed and her post (including some demands for payment of tax arrears). She doesn't seem to have taken anything else, clothes, shoes etc. She also left no note for me.


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## Conrad

*Re: Help please-My of wife of 23 years has left me: Many of you were right!*



scdmack said:


> You know what to do. If I found evidence such as this i'd be done. DONE.
> 
> This may actually be a relief to you I can only imagine?
> 
> At least you have a clean conscious now. You KNOW she had a PA. I couldn't recover from that.


Until you're faced with it.


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## AFEH

KCCO said:


> Trouble is scdmack I still love her more than I can say. If that makes me a sap then that is what I am.


Make your love for your wife a choice. Don’t just be in love with her, after all now she’s not the woman you thought she was. She is a person you don’t really know, other than your memories of her. And for the past two years she’s had you well and truly deluded. So your memories of that time will be false memories.

Now you can choose as to whether you love her, or not. Ask yourself “Do I love this woman?”. Or even “Can I love this new woman?”.

Bob


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## KCCO

Well, I have done the 180 and had no conatct with her at all. She came round the other day (I'd arranged to be out) and only took her two cycles. Nothing else and most of her clothes and all of her possessions are still here. She still hasn't spoken to one of my sons and it is nearly 8 weeks now since she did!


All very strange


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## anx

still wow.

Find religion again if you are so inclined. 

If she is really with another man/men, she may never come back. You might have to move on, and you should probably begin to. The wife you married is now a shell of the person you married.

Not talking to one of her sons for 2 months is totally messed up.

Best of Luck


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## southbound

My wife divorced after 18 years, and your situation sounds similar to mine as far as her acting like an alien, being depressed, and me being shocked because I didn't think I was that bad of a guy.

My wife claimed her depression was over our relationship. She may have thought so, but I don't buy it. I think she had depression and just blamed it on the relationship.


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## KCCO

I haven't been on here for ages because frankly I've been too upset. So, apologies to all you kind people out there.


I haven't seen my wife for 4 months but now know where she's living and that she's living with this other guy, a known philanderer who's cheated on his wife of 30 years many times and is now going through a divorce. 


A few weeks ago I found an old phone of hers and on it were over 400 text messages to/from her and this other guy. I didn't think I could be hurt anymore but I was so wrong. She was even ridiculing me and telling him really personal family stuff. There were even some pics on there which were truly heartbreaking.


It seems my wife has been having an affair for two years and her only excuse for all the treachery, lies and cheating was that she'd 'fallen in love'. I don't recogise her anymore and cannot comprehend how she could treat another human being the way she's treated me let alone someone she's been with for 26 years.


As you know I have 23 year old twin sons who still live with me. She asked them if they wanted to meet this guy and they refused. So, as a result she's pretty much broken the relationship with them too.


As you no doubt have guessed I'm in the depths of despair but have no option to try and get on with my life. I spend a lot of my time wondering what I did wrong but can never come up with anything that would make her do this to me. I've had my anti-depressant medication doubled and thankfully this is beginning to work. However, I feel as though she has taken my life from me just as surely as if she'd have killed me.


Please can anyone tell me why people behave like this? What shold I do next if anything?


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## PFTGuy

Hey KCCO,
My take on this is that, though you have a tough road ahead, you can comfort yourself a little with the truth that this is not your fault. You are not responsible for the choices another person makes, you can only responsible for the things you do and how you handle this crisis. What she has done, at least according to events as you have described them, was completely wrong, no matter what her motivations or personal problems. 

A person who suffers from depression can do irrational things in an attempt to try to feel better (I know because I have depression and I've made a lot of bad choices). If this relationship she's in made her feel better, it's temporary, but that doesn't mean you should wait for her to come back. I think you should take charge of yourself a bit and decide what you're going to do to take care of yourself. However bad you feel, however hard things get, remind yourself that this situation is not your fault. Don't chastise yourself, blame yourself, or question yourself. 

Good luck,

Peace and grace...


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## anx

Pure selfishness and no will to keep the covenant with you or at least inform you that something needs to be fixed before she finds her way out. 

I also went on antidepressants during my separation and I'm glad to hear they are helping. It does get better. I'm 4 months in and going off meds and feel great. 

If you are religiously inclined, connect there. That has helped me tremendously. 

Stories like yours take a while to heal from because of the loss and rejection. She is choosing to treat you like this like she chose to lie to you for years and chose to not try to fix things or chose to find a new relationship because she was bored. 

This new relationship will fail and die. It will take time, but relationships like the one your wife is in aren't built on anything and when the butterflys wear off, it usually ends soon after. 

I'm so sorry she put you through this. It isn't your fault. 

Best of luck and blessings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

Very sorry this has turned out this way. You are going to have to go through a grieving process no doubt. It is very important though that you work on your new life.

I am curious as to how she was engaged by this know predator. Not meaning to rehash details but where would she have met him some two years ago?


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## KCCO

She met him at our local motorcycle shop where he was mechanic. He and his soon to be ex-wife have even been round here for dinner. He was sacked from that job and the next he had and is now a self-employed heating serviceman or some such. They seem to be renting a house on a grotty estate 15 miles from here. She hasn't paid tax for two years and taxman is chasing her for that. She also has other debts. I reckon she owes at least £15,000.


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## ArmyofJuan

KCCO said:


> I spend a lot of my time wondering what I did wrong but can never come up with anything that would make her do this to me. I've had my anti-depressant medication doubled and thankfully this is beginning to work. However, I feel as though she has taken my life from me just as surely as if she'd have killed me.


None of it's your fault, she is selfish and bored and didn't appreciate what she had. Do NOT blame yourself, this is all on her. Once you accept that it's not your fault and there was nothing you could do to stop it then you'll feel much better.

Also her relationship with the OM is doomed to failure, it's only a matter of time. 97% of affairs die within 2 years and the fact that both are going through rebounds then that just makes it that much worse. Once the honeymoon stage it over (I find usually around the 6 month mark) expect to find her snooping around again.

You need to focus on what you want and start to love yourself again. Cut her from your life but don't be shocked if you hear from her again in a few months.


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## This is me

I had followed this story from the start and it is a truly sad story. There is much to be learned in this all the way through.

KCCO, I wish you the best that life can bring you in the coming days and years!


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## elliotJ

This post caused me to sign up for this web site, as I can feel exactly the pain you're talking about. It is so horrific to realize the effort and passion that went into the relationship, how can it backfire like that? You gave it your all. I know I did too, in my case. I feel like a failure, not proud of that. I hope you are strong, and please please stay on this site with those who can learn and share in these experiences.


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## JLaw

Hello KCCO
I am just beginning my journey which parallels yours. My 44-year-old wife of 21 years has terminated our marriage for all of the reasons you've mentioned.
I find strength and comfort in knowing my situation isn't unique.
If you have a chance, could you update your situation? I'm curious as to how you're going on your journey, now nearly two years on. Have you found some solace and happiness in your life?


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## F-102

Zombie thread!


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## bild-a-loco

How does a thread from 2011 suddenly come back to life? I agree - zombie thread! Run! :lol:


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