# What the *$%#?



## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Dear Ladies:

I need help in trying to understand what is going on with my wife.

Lots of back story that I won't bore you with here. Married 31 years, empty-nesters. In transition because I took a position three hours away and wife expected to join me this summer. Because of busy schedules and distance, opportunities for sex are limited. More recently, I have been less interested in part because of some long-standing resentments and in part because my wife has really let herself go the past couple of years. My desire for her has been almost non-existent the past couple of months. I love her, but the spark is waning.

So it has been about three weeks since we last made love. On Monday she sent me a text that said she needed some "nice, personal, and close sex." I suggested we make a date for Friday evening (tonight). She responded "that would be nice." I had a commitment that would get me home at about 8:00 and told her not to feel like she had to get here before then--hoping it would lighten the stress she might feel to leave work early. She also knows I have an extremely busy Saturday that starts early, so Friday evening is my only real down-time this weekend.

At around 4:30 I tried to call her to see if she was on her way. No answer. I texted and again, no reply. Finally got a response and said she couldn't talk right now. I had no idea if she was on her way or not. 

In any case, I rushed home from my commitment and got here about 7:45. She wasn't here. I texted again and finally she said she was delayed getting on the road and wouldn't be here until after 10:30. No explanation for running late. No apology. Seemingly no recognition that she had killed our chances to have the date night that she said she wanted.

So, I have two questions for you: 1.) Am I wrong to be frustrated and a little hurt by this? and 2) Should I try to wait up for her or go to bed and try to get to sleep before she gets here?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Oh boy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1) you should be pissed and 2) go out and catch a game at a bar or a movie.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, TG. Can't go out tonight. Morning starts at 6:00 tomorrow and need to be sharp all day. She just called to say it will be closer to 11:15 now...


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Did you ask her why she is late????? Seems fishy that she wouldn't offer an explanation, OR that you wouldn't even ask her what was up.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

I didn't ask because I know why. She stopped at an out-of-the way shopping center to buy a dress for a luncheon for my work tomorrow. She will say it was because she wanted to look nice for me, but I am frustrated because A) she didn't tell me in advance she would be later than 8:00 and B) she did this despite the fact that we were supposed to have a "date" for intimacy tonight.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, she wanted toake a date and stood you up. You should be frustrated/annoyed/ hurt. But, it's not that big of a deal. Your lack of interest in her sexually says something bigger on your end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

aaroncj said:


> More recently, I have been less interested in part because of some long-standing resentments and in part because my wife has really let herself go the past couple of years. My desire for her has been almost non-existent the past couple of months. I love her, but the spark is waning.
> 
> So it has been about three weeks since we last made love. On Monday she sent me a text that said she needed some "nice, personal, and close sex." I suggested we make a date for Friday evening (tonight). She responded "that would be nice." I had a commitment that would get me home at about 8:00 and told her not to feel like she had to get here before then--hoping it would lighten the stress she might feel to leave work early.


I know it's all guys here in the LL, but I wanted to point out something that may or may not apply here: Sometimes suggestions like the one you made take on an added subtext when coming from an indifferent LD partner. 

If you have a recent history of begging off, deflecting & finding excuses to avoid intimacy, then you're probably training her to be on high alert for little cues that indicate you're likely to sabotage or flake out on sex you've ostensibly offered to engage in. 

Is it possible your "don't hurry home" message was interpreted as lack of enthusiasm on your part? Since you made the plan way back on Monday, she may have wanted to hear some reinforcing confirmation during the week that you were eager for tonight. Were your texts today at 4:30 playful, or terse & matter-of-fact?


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

I thought about the potential that I signalled a lack of interest...honestly not the case. Would say my texts were matter-of-fact and not terse.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

aaroncj said:


> Dear Ladies:
> 
> I need help in trying to understand what is going on with my wife.
> 
> ...


So you have admitted to not being sexually interested in her, and when she tells you she wants some and will be coming Friday for it, you tell her to take her time as you won't be available till 8pm. You also tell her you have to get up early the next day.

She felt rejected, and probably not for the first time! Why would she want to put much effort into going to see a man who didn't seem all that interested in being with her? You're basically asking her to drive for three hours so she can maybe have an hour of intimacy with a man who doesn't seem to care if she's there or not. Even your complaints here are more about wondering where she is and if you should go to bed or not, and not about missing an opportunity for sex with your wife.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

First, she knew of the commitment awhile ago. In fact, she turned down the chance to join me. Second, I REMINDED her that I wouldn't be home until 8 so that she would not feel pressure to leave work early. Third, I did not reject her in any sense tonight. She has, by her actions and lack of communication, rejected me. My thoughts about staying up or going to bed are because I don't want to look like her lapdog, waiting for her to deign me with her presence.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Why don't you just tell her that you are feeling rejected? That you were looking forward to some sexy time? 

Also..... matter of fact, is NOT romantic or sexy. Sounds like you are both busy. So woo her. Date her. She's the love of your life isn't she? Why not make her feel that way????

Instead of matter of fact texts..... what about sweet texts telling her that you are looking forward to tonight? Tell her you are thinking of candle light, wine, sweet smells, and skin.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, SunnyT.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Does it often take her hours to shop? Is this out of character? 

As you dont seem to concerned about her whereabouts...sounds like its kinda normal. 31 years of marriage means you should know her pretty well. 

If MrsMarrieddude say she is going to pick out an outfit and estimates a couple hours....i assign a multipleir of 2 (at least)...why...because i KNOW her. You said she was going to get a dress for 
an activity with you.....you have also said, in your opinion, she has let herself go"....combine those things and her choice of dress would take on even more importance. If you think she is unaware of your position on her body....your crazy. They know. 31 years means...she knows. 

When you want to get intimate with a women...saying things like " take your time" are quite counter productive.....she needs to hear.."Hurry, come right NOW, i want you NOW!!" 

Dont make her being late the big deal. The big deal is that you love her, miss her, HAVE to feel her against you. You start expressing that reality and odds are you are going to see some changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Married Dude.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

A lot of work it sounds like just to 'try' to have sex with each other.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let's review this. On Monday she sent me a text that said she needed some "nice, personal, and close sex." I suggested we make a date for Friday evening (tonight). She responded "that would be nice." 

I had a commitment that would get me home at about 8:00 and "told her not to feel like she had to get here before then." 

Doesn't seem like you're real excited. As others note, some flowers, calls, something romantic would have been nice, but she got a you don't need to be home before 8. Feeling frustrated already, perhaps that knocked her off her game. 

Add this, because of some long-standing resentments and in part because my wife has really let herself go the past couple of years. What are these resentments. There is no reason they should reach the bedroom. 

I think you should work on your marriages and listen to her needs.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I can't believe your wife didn't break speed limits to be with you during the romantic window you outlined. 

You sound like you were doing her a favor by even being available during that time. After all she let her self go and you did remind her of her window of opportunity. 

If I listed my husband's faults it would break the Internet. But what keeps me in this relationship is his desire for me, not sex, me. His saying is " I can sleep when I am dead". If I want him at 3am he is there. If I have an anxiety attack about work at 3am and he needs to get up at 5am he is there (not happy about it, but there). 

It sounds to me that you are gearing up for an affair or you are in one already. Cataloging your spouses faults is a red flag.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I can understand your frustration but honestly I think her being late is the least of your problems.
If she doesn't seem wanted then why would she bother.
My hubby and I are very busy...small kids...careers.
Finding time for intimacy is hard but if you find time if you really want it. Even waking up at 4am *groan* but worth being tired all day.
My point is you sound like you scheduled sex between 8pm and 820 and then said no need to rush. In other words if you are here, yeah I'll have Sex with you but really it isn't important so no need to rush home to me.



Sent from my iPhone


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Deidre. Yes, it is a lot of work. Living 3 hours apart leaves us weekends as our only windows of opportunity. So, when we agreed to a date on Friday evening and:

-- she knows I will be home at 8:00, and 
-- I tell her I am looking forward to seeing her when I call her in the morning, and remind her she doesn't need to rush to be here before 8, and
-- she doesn't respond to my call or texts that afternoon except to say "I can't talk right now," and
-- she doesn't say she will be here after 8:00, and
-- I leave a work function early to be sure to be home before 8:00, and
-- at 8:30 she finally calls and says she is still 2+ hours away

I really feel disrespected, disregarded, and hurt.

If she had said to me earlier that she couldn't make it until later, I would have been disappointed, but would have understood.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Bobby. I agree we need to work on our marriage--and have felt like I have carried the marriage for several years. We agreed to seek marriage counseling a couple months ago and that she would identify a counselor(s). Since then...she has done nothing. Most of my resentments are related to the bedroom, so it is kinda hard for them not to reach the bedroom.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Bluesclues, but I didn't outline a romantic window. She rejected my invitation to be here earlier to join me at a work function and she knew/knows that this is a very busy weekend for me. I suggested Friday evening because Saturday and Sunday will be even busier. I have not ever said or implied anything about her "letting herself go." In fact, I go out of my way to affirm her attractiveness. I am not in and not planning an affair. I don't think my busy schedule is an excuse for her to show up three hours late and not give me a heads-up--romantic plans or not. That is what I am responding to the most. The romantic plans just added to my frustration. I am also tired of having to put up with self-centered actions like this from her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Don"t rush home? a better response would be can't wait to make love baby!

you set the tone and now your mad because she didn't rush home. she knows she let herself go and is probably feeling self conscious. try telling her you desire her.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Citygirl. I appreciate your perspective, but think we are at different life/marriage stages. As I told Bluesclues, I didn't "schedule" the sex, I merely suggested we make a date for Friday night--our first chance to be together. She knew about my schedule this weekend. I reminded her of the 8 PM time because she stresses about having to leave work early and when she does it leads to her being grumpy when she gets here.

If she had said no to the Friday date I would have understood. If she would have contacted me earlier in the day to say it isn't going to happen, I would have understood. If she had responded to my texts asking how she was and where was she, I would have understood. If she would have answered my phone calls and said she would be late, I would have understood. Instead, she calls me (finally) a half-hour after I was expecting to see her and informs me that she will be more than two hours late. 

So, maybe she was responding to what she thought was my lack of interest, but honestly I think she was just being self-centered and rude. Guess what that does to my desire for her?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

aaroncj said:


> Thanks, Deidre. Yes, it is a lot of work. Living 3 hours apart leaves us weekends as our only windows of opportunity. So, when we agreed to a date on Friday evening and:
> 
> -- she knows I will be home at 8:00, and
> -- I tell her I am looking forward to seeing her when I call her in the morning, and remind her she doesn't need to rush to be here before 8, and
> ...


She probably does, too, believe it or not.

She's not looking for sex, for sex's sake. You know that, right? She's looking for her husband to be interested in her, to desire her, and to want her.

The husband she has now works 3 hours away, and is on (at least for this weekend) a tight schedule.

She wants you to put HER first. Not work. HER.

So she expressed interest in having a date night with you. Again, this isn't about her needing to have sex. This is about her needing her husband to be excited and to prioritize her.

Your first failure was outlining what your window was, and that you had to be up early, and "sharp" for tomorrow.

Your second failure was to follow that up by telling her not to rush.

Here's how this should have gone:

Wife: "I'd like to drive up to see you Friday night, as I miss you and want to be close to you."

You: "AWESOME!!!! I can't wait! Get here as early as you can, I should be done work by 8:00!"

Mon - Fri, you: "I can't wait til Friday!" "Here's what I want to do to you!" "I can't stop thinking about you!"

Instead, you outline your time frames for when you're done work, when you have to be up the next morning, how you have to be sharp for work the next day - otherwise telling her there's a relatively short window of time, here - she has to drive THREE hours to get to you, and you top it off by telling her not to rush.

If I were her, I'd have been in no hurry either. From her POV, she feels like you're throwing her a bone. He can fit me in around his work schedule. He's in no rush. He can wait til I get there. I'm not his priority.

And that's because she's NOT your priority, even if you think you did all the right things, even if it's all logical in your head. When the first thing that comes to your mind is working this around your schedule, then she's not your priority.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Chillymorn. I didn't say "don't rush home." I reminded her that she didn't need to be home before 8:00 because I would not be here before then. Since it is a 3-hour trip, I thought that was being considerate.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

aaroncj said:


> Thanks, Chillymorn. I didn't say "don't rush home." I reminded her that she didn't need to be home before 8:00 because I would not be here before then. Since it is a 3-hour trip, I thought that was being considerate.


she might have interpreted differently, sounds like an opportunity to open the lines of communication. 

good luck


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, everyone, for the responses. I tried to wait up for her and she finally arrived about 11:15. By then, I had had a couple drinks and was pretty drowsy. She had no good explanation for being so late and no explanation for not telling me she would be late. I was too tired to get into it, so I went to bed. I have to leave for work in a bit, so no chance to talk about it until later tonight.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> So you have admitted to not being sexually interested in her, and when she tells you she wants some and will be coming Friday for it, you tell her to take her time as you won't be available till 8pm. You also tell her you have to get up early the next day.
> 
> She felt rejected, and probably not for the first time! Why would she want to put much effort into going to see a man who didn't seem all that interested in being with her? You're basically asking her to drive for three hours so she can maybe have an hour of intimacy with a man who doesn't seem to care if she's there or not. Even your complaints here are more about wondering where she is and if you should go to bed or not, and not about missing an opportunity for sex with your wife.


I agree. If I texted my husband that I wanted some close sexy time but he started talking about logistics and time limits, it would be a big turn off. In my mind I would be thinking, "forget about it". I would probably go shopping too, lol.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I agree with @GusPolinski 

I can understand and agree with everything other posters have stated. I agree you have made your marriage trivial to yourself and her. I suspect you got a taste of your own medicine with the lack of updates.

But no explanation, no interest in MC after expressing a strong need for it: "oh boy"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think it would be helpful to get a bit more info.

How long have you two been living apart?

How often do you see each other now?

Does she usually drive out to see you? What percentage of the time do you drive to see her?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Wel buddy, I'd be a bit more concerned as to why she basically;ly went "ghost" on you for three hours with absolutely no explanation and I hope she bought a dress and brought it home if she said that is where she was.

If you have been neglecting her sexually I would not rule totally out the possibility that someone else is not.

I think you need some more explanation on her part as to why she never told you that she was going to be so late.

The woman basically told you she was horny as hell for you and then showed up at almost midnight. Seems a little strange.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks, Soccermom. Her original text came to me on Monday morning. I suggested a Friday night date. She said that would be nice. As the week wore on, there were several more phone calls and texts about a variety of things. In my call to her Friday morning as we both discussed the upcoming day and both of our busy schedules, I reminded her that I had a commitment that evening and wouldn't be home before 8, so that she didn't need to stress out and try to be here by 5 or 6. I believe I also said I was looking forward to seeing her. I did not mention the reference to "sexy time" specifically, because she has a history of not responding well to scheduled sex (feels like too much pressure to perform, she says). 

My reaction to the situation was more about her lack of consideration in telling me she would not be here when expected and I busted my butt to be here--not a new dynamic for us.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

JohnA said:


> I agree with @GusPolinski
> 
> I can understand and agree with everything other posters have stated. I agree you have made your marriage trivial to yourself and her. I suspect you got a taste of your own medicine with the lack of updates.
> 
> But no explanation, no interest in MC after expressing a strong need for it: "oh boy"


Thanks--but I don't think I have made my marriage trivial--ever. In fact, I feel that for 31 years I have done most, if not all, of the heavy-lifting to make it work. I don't see how not communicating with me about being so late is a taste of my own medicine--I have never done and would never do something like that to her. I see it as her being rude and inconsiderate (again).


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I think it would be helpful to get a bit more info.
> 
> How long have you two been living apart?
> 
> ...


Thanks, EleGirl.

We have been apart for almost 4 years (her choice).

We see each other typically every Friday night through early Monday morning. Sometimes more often when my work takes me near her.

For the first three years I was the one doing almost all of the driving. I had a tiny apartment near work and would be home nearly every Friday night. I believe that over the three years she drove down to see me maybe twice. I would also go out of my way to be home during the week, even if it meant quite a lot more early mornings (leaving at 5 AM) and miles on the road for me. In the past six months I have been promoted to a position that requires me to work a lot more weekends. It also has allowed me to move into a larger place, where she is quite comfortable. Therefore, she has been driving here a lot more (probably 6/10 times she has come here.)


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

straightshooter said:


> Wel buddy, I'd be a bit more concerned as to why she basically;ly went "ghost" on you for three hours with absolutely no explanation and I hope she bought a dress and brought it home if she said that is where she was.
> 
> If you have been neglecting her sexually I would not rule totally out the possibility that someone else is not.
> 
> ...



Thanks, Shooter. There is no chance of an affair. In fact, I determined she was shopping (she didn't tell me) because I saw the transactions hit our account. She had no good explanation for not letting me know about the shopping--except that she said she thought I would be upset with her for going shopping in the first place. 

She didn't say she was "horny as hell." Not her style. Not her way of thinking. She said she wanted to be "close" with me. That was on Monday. A lot of space and time between Monday morning and Friday night.

I just would have appreciated a heads-up.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why would you continue to have a long distance relationship in place of a marriage? 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Why would you continue to have a long distance relationship in place of a marriage?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I am not sure what you're asking. I took a position in another city, with the plan that she would move with me. The plan changed and she decided to stay with our daughter in our home, with me commuting on weekends. Now, with our daughter in college, she is preparing to move to be with me. 

Are you suggesting that I shouldn't have taken the job or that we should have divorced rather than trying to make the distance work?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Is your wife this inconsiderate with all of her relationships? I ask because I know someone like this, and it's especially bad when shopping is involved. She's a super sweet person, but just so laid back and flighty sometimes, she completely loses track of time. 

I hope that you two can be living in the same city again soon and can start some counseling to work on your communication issues.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I am suggesting that you need to close this chapter of your relationship. 

You have zero opportunity to grow together because every time you link up, you are trying to cram several days of connecting into a weekend, with both of you looking more to be fed rather than feed the other.

When y'all move back in together, what y'all will go through trying to find equilibrium will make what you are going through now pale in comparison.

I hope you are ready for it. I hope you will be able to forego your needs for a period of time, because if you are going to lead this thing, it will require you to do so.

Are you ready?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Ah, with the extra background information, it sounds to me like she may be finding the distance stressful, especially with the change that she is the one to do most of the driving now. You guys definitely need to be around each other more, in affectionate ways, not just intimate ones. You need to put some effort into showing her you are thinking of her, that she's still important to you, especially more important than your job.

Have you guys had a discussion recently about the job/location plan, and how it has evolved over time? Does she feel free to express regret at her choices? She may be feeling the impending loss of her social life in her town as she prepares to move to yours. Add to that her upcoming empty nest as your daughter heads off to college.

I do agree that it was inconsiderate of her not to keep you updated on her arrival time. She probably had the impression that you didn't really care when she got there based on what you said. You need to correct that impression, but try to express it in a mutual disappointment at not having time together, not with anger that you could have stayed at your work function longer had you known how late she would be.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Is your wife this inconsiderate with all of her relationships? I ask because I know someone like this, and it's especially bad when shopping is involved. She's a super sweet person, but just so laid back and flighty sometimes, she completely loses track of time.
> 
> I hope that you two can be living in the same city again soon and can start some counseling to work on your communication issues.


Thanks. I would say she does tend to be inconsiderate. She gets stuck in her own situation and doesn't seem to think about others. I appreciate the positive vibe and I, too, hope we can figure out what we both need to do to get on track.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> I am suggesting that you need to close this chapter of your relationship.
> 
> You have zero opportunity to grow together because every time you link up, you are trying to cram several days of connecting into a weekend, with both of you looking more to be fed rather than feed the other.
> 
> ...


Thanks for clarifying. I am not sure I am ready to do more than I have already done--and that is at the core of a lot of my frustrations. I feel like everything revolves around her and her drama, her needs, her desires. I am tired of it all...tired of having to do the work for both of us.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Ah, with the extra background information, it sounds to me like she may be finding the distance stressful, especially with the change that she is the one to do most of the driving now. You guys definitely need to be around each other more, in affectionate ways, not just intimate ones. You need to put some effort into showing her you are thinking of her, that she's still important to you, especially more important than your job.
> 
> Have you guys had a discussion recently about the job/location plan, and how it has evolved over time? Does she feel free to express regret at her choices? She may be feeling the impending loss of her social life in her town as she prepares to move to yours. Add to that her upcoming empty nest as your daughter heads off to college.
> 
> I do agree that it was inconsiderate of her not to keep you updated on her arrival time. She probably had the impression that you didn't really care when she got there based on what you said. You need to correct that impression, but try to express it in a mutual disappointment at not having time together, not with anger that you could have stayed at your work function longer had you known how late she would be.


Thank you Hopeful. Part of my problem is that I have tried to talk with her about these changes and what they mean. We have had almost 4 years to figure things out, but she still struggles with the commitment to join me.

I appreciate the insight on her expectations for Friday. When she finally arrived, I told her I was concerned about not knowing what was going on and frustrated by her lack of communication. I tried to remain calm and keep it in the realm of concern, versus anger. The fact that we haven't been together has been entirely her call. So, that adds to my reaction and frustration. I am sure we will work through this, but I guess I am wallowing in a bit of self-righteous self-pity at the moment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I hate to drive. If my husband had ever taken a job that was 3 hours away, it would have been his responsibility to come to me.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> I hate to drive. If my husband had ever taken a job that was 3 hours away, it would have been his responsibility to come to me.


Thanks, Blondilocks. It didn't start out as a split situation. Originally, she was going to move with me. She decided to stay put. I drove all the time for the first three years. Since my new position, she has driven about half the time. So, it's not like I've pushed her into this situation...


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