# Almost had an affair



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

I came close to having an affair, and I need to figure out why this happened in my perfect marriage.

Hubby and I are 34. We have been married 10 years, two beautiful daughters and a nice house, etc. I am a stay at home mom. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Hub is my best friend, and a wonderful husband.

However, like many marriages, it's gotten stale romantically. I find it difficult to kiss him. We have sex, that's not a problem. I just find myself desiring other men. I've had opportunities to cheat several times, with very desirable and wealthy men, but never have.

There is a guy I've talked to on the internet for three years. Lately I've been thinking about him a lot in a sexual way. The feeling is so good, and my husband will never turn me on in that way. 

The other night, I got drunk, and I told him I wanted to have an affair with him. He said he wanted to as well. We talked about him coming to visit me. The next morning I woke up and was horrified at what I'd said, and immediately told him I had a reality check and that no, I could not do that.

Then, maybe stupidly, I told my husband about this whole thing. He was a little surprised and saddened but he took it well. We decided we'd really work at making this marriage affair proof.

I have, in the past, told my husband that I was bored and unsatisfied. I think now he takes the issue seriously, so I am glad I told him.

What I need to know is, why am I craving other men, when my marriage is as fine as it can be? I still want to have an affair. It's all I think about. But I cannot and will not do it. This is very hard for me. I'm incredibly frustrated and find it hard to think of just being with hub sexually for the rest of my life.


----------



## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

It is not "almost". You had an affair. It is an online emotional affair. A married woman should not talk to a guy online for 3 years. I am not judging you. I had similar behavior. I talked to a guy online for 3 months (no sex, no photos in bikini, no plan to meet, never say love, ect), but it was still an emotional affair. I am glad you come to this website because your attitude about affair will change, at least it changed my attitude. Anything that potentially causes harm to a marriage is not OK.


----------



## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

You've been with your husband for 10 years, and you're just now frustrated about being with only him sexually? Have you always felt this way, or is this a new development? 

Without knowing a lot about you, you sound bored in your life. It sounds as though you don't have enough self-development or other challenges in your life to stimulate you. 

My suggestion would be to visit both an individual counselor and a marriage counselor. There is no such thing as making a relationship "affair proof," so get that idea out of your head. 

You have a sense of entitlement in your words that is easy to pick up on. You mention that you are a stay at home mom with a beautiful house, and that you wouldn't have it any other way. You also mention the men who you have had opportunities to cheat with are both very desirable and very wealthy. It sounds as though you place a lot of importance on money and material things, and I see that as something you need to work on an individual counselor with. 

Everyone has faults, but from your own account your husband sounds like he is a rather good husband. You're having what sounds like an emotional affair with another man, and you say you are glad you told your husband that you're bored and unsatisfied so that he'll take it seriously now to try pleasing you more. Re-read what you wrote. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your husband told you he's been chatting with some woman for three years because he's bored with you, and explains you basically better step it up or he'll have an affair, how would that make you feel?

If you are still consumed with thoughts of having an affair, you have not had a reality check. Not in the least.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Clearly your marriage isn't perfect, so stop saying it is. You said yourself you're bored, so until you acknowledge that and work with your husband to fix that you're at high risk for this to happen again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

End ALL contact with other man on internet. This is inappropriate. This ought to be your first step. As long as you keep this up, thing will go bad.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blue102 said:


> What I need to know is, why am I craving other men, when my marriage is as fine as it can be? I still want to have an affair. It's all I think about. But I cannot and will not do it. This is very hard for me. I'm incredibly frustrated and find it hard to think of just being with hub sexually for the rest of my life.


There is a good book that will help with the question of why you are feeling this way. 

_*His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage*_ by Willard F. Jr. Harley

No marriage can be 100% affair proof, but there is a lot you both can do to make it as affair proof as possible.

The book is a good start.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

FormerSelf said:


> End ALL contact with other man on internet. This is inappropriate. This ought to be your first step. As long as you keep this up, thing will go bad.


*And the next step is to fastly get the two of you into MC ASAP.
Yes, it was an EA and seemingly either you or God short-circuited it for you!

Act on it, if you love him and he loves you! Your marriage is well beyond salvageable and has the marked potential to be better than ever!

Welcome to TAM. I hate to see you here but you absolutely couldn't have come to a better place! Best of luck to you both! You'll continue to remain in my prayers!*


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

" I wouldn't have it any other way". Maybe get a job....you have too much time on your hands to be in a EA for 3 years.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your husband should read MMSLP.

Do you believe monogamy is human nature? Do we need marriage vows to make it a lifetime commitment?

How much money did you (or your families) spend on your wedding?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

richie33 said:


> " I wouldn't have it any other way". Maybe get a job....you have too much time on your hands to be in a EA for 3 years.


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

kitty2013 said:


> It is not "almost". You had an affair. It is an online emotional affair. A married woman should not talk to a guy online for 3 years. I am not judging you. I had similar behavior. I talked to a guy online for 3 months (no sex, no photos in bikini, no plan to meet, never say love, ect), but it was still an emotional affair. I am glad you come to this website because your attitude about affair will change, at least it changed my attitude. Anything that potentially causes harm to a marriage is not OK.


:iagree:

Yep. You have already being having an affair for three years. Which started in year seven of your marriage.

You would be best advised to seek individual counselling to get your head sorted out. Marriage counselling might also be an option, too.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

From what you've written here, you have the kind of life that many women dream about - a nice house, a good provider for a husband and beautiful children. Think of that and how you nearly pissed it away for some excitement with someone who has not worked all of those years to build a good life with you.

How much are you really putting into your marriage. I mean really? You had an inappropriate relationship with a man on the Internet for three years that almost went physical. People care the most about the things they invest the most into. We become attached to our houses after spending time and money to fix up, decorate and renovate them and turn them into homes. We care a lot about our jobs that we've spent years educating for, putting in hours and overtime and training for to get promotions etc. We care a lot about our cars and become attached to them - heck, some people even name them! After doing maintenance, repairs and car washes etc. The same goes for relationships.

The more time and energy you devote to your marriage, and do it genuinely, the more you will care about your husband. Love is a feeling but also an action and a choice.

I would advise you to put your all into your marriage with your husband. Ending all contact with the other man, going cold-turkey is a must as well as sending him a letter to never contact you again. Counseling is also a highly suggested thing to do here.

In addition to His Needs, Her Needs, I would also suggest you read the 5 Love Languages. Find out what your currency is. Both of those books detail them really poignantly. Find out what's missing. Marriage is a negotiation. Find out what you need more of from your husband that you're not getting and also find out what he needs that he's not getting and work together on it.

Saying you're bored is too ambiguous. You need to define for yourself what things you can incorporate into your life and marriage (that do not include third parties and interlopers) that could add some more excitement back into the mix.

If the sex is boring, you can switch it up without cheating. There's the karma sutra and Sex Info 101 if you need inspiration. In addition to toys, porn, role-playing and switching up locations - we recently enjoyed some time on the hood of the car up at the cottage in the country... I will never look at the car the same again lol.

Redefining, agreeing on and sticking to healthy boundaries for your marriage is also important. Cheating doesn't just happen because a lack of sex, lack of emotional intimacy, lack of excitement (insert reason here) it is also something that starts from within yourself. Boundaries, personal integrity, character and standards for oneself, maturity and entitlement are all parts of it too.

Lastly, it's not just you or your husband that would have been effected by this affair. It's also your children. Too often the affects of infidelity on the children are underestimated and understated. This would have broken their hearts.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

You did not say one negative thing about your husband, so I'm willing to go out on a limb here & say all of this is about you & how you perceive your relationship.
If you're so bored, why don't YOU do something about it?
Why put it back on your husband, you know the guy who has given you everything & had no clue his wife was staying at home getting sexually charged by some random dude on the Internet.
Are you a SAHM mom to school aged kids?
If so, time to get yourself a job, volunteer, take a class, just do something other than stay at home while the kids are at school.
I bet you're "bored" because you're not being mentally stimulated & the easiest way to relieve that boredom is to seek out male attention from a stranger on the Internet.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

blue102 said:


> There is a guy I've talked to on the internet for three years. Lately I've been thinking about him a lot in a sexual way. The feeling is so good, and my husband will never turn me on in that way.
> 
> The other night, I got drunk, and I told him I wanted to have an affair with him. He said he wanted to as well. We talked about him coming to visit me. The next morning I woke up and was horrified at what I'd said, and immediately told him I had a reality check and that no, I could not do that.


 You did not almost have an affair. You are in an emotional affair (EA) and have been in one for 3 years. The damage that EAs do to marriages is real, as they move you to detach emotionally from your spouse. In this detachment process you being to under appreciate your spouse’s strengths and over focus on their weaknesses, and in the end you make your spouse appear undesirable in your mind. No spouse can compete with the fantasy and the newness brain drugs of the affair relationship, and they should not have to if their spouse did not have weak marital boundaries. Ironically, when the spouse moves on and leaves the cheater’s life, many realize too late just how good their spouse really was; they also realize by then that the affair partner was not so great after all as only 3% of relationship founded in an affair last long term. 

Studies show that there is a newness brain drug that is similar to cocaine that the brain produces only during the first few years of a new relationship. This newness brain drug stops being produced once a relationship matures as other things hopefully have a chance to bind the couple’s relationship. Ever hear of the 7 year itch? As it turns out, on average, 7 years is approximately when the newness brain drug completely stops being produced. Thus your EA starting in year 7 of your marriage (10 years – 3 years) is right about on target. You are a bored stay at home wife that has a good provider husband that allows you to not have to worry about the basics of life, so you have the time to wants more out of life. In reading these boards, you will learn that most of us are not as unique as we think. We are all clichés and you are no exception. Some of us have strong marital boundaries and do not allow ourselves to get into affairs, emotional or otherwise, and some of us do not. Some hop from partner to partner as they chase the cocaine like high of the new relationship brain drug, and become serial cheaters. Some of us do not. You need to decide who you want to be and then let your husband in on the secret.


----------



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

Thank you ALL for the wonderful advice. You have given me much to think about.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm gonna put in another vote for getting a job. SAHMing is hard because you get almost no external validation, which is something most everyone craves to some degree. I'm guessing you got it from this guy, and it made you feel good about yourself. But imagine what you could have accomplished if you'd put the time you spent talking with this guy into either education, some kind of project, a job, or volunteer work. I'll bet you'd be really proud of yourself, really confident, and excited to introduce this new part of yourself to your husband.

I once met very nice older man who'd been married for 40 years and asked him how he kept the romance alive all those years when the "in love" hormones only last a few years. He said the trick is to keep growing, keep changing, and keep falling in love with each other all over again.

Good luck to you and your H!


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Truth be told blue102, your the luckiest woman walking the face of the earth right now. 

You have a good husband, a nice home, a beautiful family and your husband is also your best friend.

You have a really $h!tty way of showing your gratitude and an equal $h!tty way of treating your best friend who also doubles as your husband.

Whats even nicer is that he is a understanding and forgiving man.

Your an incredibly selfish woman and you should be kissing his ass every morning because he should have thrown you out of the house for being such a piss poor excuse of a wife who doesn't appreciate what she has. I can't speak for others but I sure as hell would have.

How about growing a conscious and start acting like a wife for a change. Your selfishness is unbelievable.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

A very inflammatory post by OP guaranteed to get people worked up. I'll pass on this one unless proven wrong.


----------



## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

blue102 said:


> I came close to having an affair, and I need to figure out why this happened in my perfect marriage.
> 
> Hubby and I are 34. We have been married 10 years, two beautiful daughters and a nice house, etc. I am a stay at home mom. I really wouldn't have it any other way. Hub is my best friend, and a wonderful husband.
> 
> ...


To be quite honest, another man isn't going to fulfill your desires any better than your husband. The reason you think they will, is because they are a fantasy, you imagine them as your perfect somebody. Whereas you live with your husband, and know his flaws.

A man can't satisfy you unless you teach him how. So your "my husband could never please me that way" thinking is false. So is your idea that this other man could satisfy you any better. You need to teach your husband how to please you in the ways you want to be pleased. You can't just expect him to know how to do it by himself.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Your husband should read MMSLP.
> 
> Do you believe monogamy is human nature? Do we need marriage vows to make it a lifetime commitment?
> 
> How much money did you (or your families) spend on your wedding?


Longwalk, don't you know that game only works on barflies and trophy wives?


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is an easy one OP.

You are craving other man because you communicate with them and put yourself in the position of temptation.

Stop talking to them and keep distance. Once you start talking to someone of course you are naturally going to have certain feelings (especially if they are attractive).

Human nature....

Focus on your own marriage and how to make it better. Relationships with opposite sex friends should be discontinued.

Not healthy, risky, disrespectful and inappropriate.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

blue102 said:


> Thank you ALL for the wonderful advice. You have given me much to think about.


Doesn't look good for your husband Blue. I hope it works out for you guys and I'm glad you had the strength and moral conviction to back away. But if you're "craving" an affair you're going to seek to satisfy the craving.

Don't know what to say in terms of advice. Maybe your boredom is causing this? :scratchhead:


----------



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

I just have to say, the guilt is eating me up, even though I did tell him. I can't even eat. I feel like a horrible person. I know now that I can never have a physical affair. Because, first, I can't keep a secret from him, and second, I can't deal with this kind of guilt. 

My precious hubby seems OK, he is going about as if nothing ever happened. He knows I'd never go through with it and he trusts me. I will never, never violate his trust.

Thanks again for the replies.

Edit to add:

The "get a job" suggestion is an interesting one. I will think about that. My hubby wants me to stay home with the kids, and I like it, but I do get bored. Someone suggested that I need outside validation and I think that is true.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

blue102 said:


> The "get a job" suggestion is an interesting one. I will think about that. My hubby wants me to stay home with the kids, and I like it, but I do get bored. Someone suggested that I need outside validation and I think that is true.


If you are doing your job at home, there should be very little time to be bored.

There is a very fine line between stay at home parent being "the hardest job in the world" and "slacker job".

Cover it well, I know it's not easy.....


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

blue102 said:


> The "get a job" suggestion is an interesting one. I will think about that. My hubby wants me to stay home with the kids, and I like it, but I do get bored. Someone suggested that I need outside validation and I think that is true.


 Then find a hobby that will fill the void. You dodged a bullet and came close to losing everything over what? A possible wanna be ONS? The scales between what you have and this mistake you almost made aren't even close. 

If push comes to shove then get your butt to some professional help. It's not only your life that you will ruin but your husband and your daughters.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

blue102 I'm sure you're smart enough to realize that your internet man is just a fantasy, that fantasy would probably be blown to shreds if you knew this man on a day to day basis. We all have faults, we all get complacent and bored at times, but that's no reason to tempt yourself by cheating and thinking that will make you happy.

One thing about people is when comes down to face to face conversations things get tricky, if you and your husband aren't communicating and understanding each others needs something needs to be done differently. 

Here's an idea....let your husband become your internet fantasy, sounds silly doesn't it? But think about it, many people can express themselves better if they can slowly deal with thoughts and emotions. Maybe if your husband and you start emailing messages to each other, not hateful critical things, just I wish and I'm feeling type of things, maybe both of you can better understand the others feelings, and get to know each other again. The hard part would be to detach yourself emotionally and not turn an email into a verbal argument, just let things run their coarse a few weeks and see where it goes. 

Maybe my suggestion is way out of the box, but you seem to be mostly happy in your life but need an emotional outlet, maybe your husband is just the man for the job.


----------



## Tasty (Mar 3, 2014)

The time to work on your marriage is yesterday but you can start now all the same! Get some help now, perhaps through some form of counseling. Don't rely on luck to record another 'almost there'.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

blue102 said:


> I just have to say, the guilt is eating me up, even though I did tell him. I can't even eat. I feel like a horrible person. I know now that I can never have a physical affair. Because, first, I can't keep a secret from him, and second, I can't deal with this kind of guilt.
> 
> My precious hubby seems OK, he is going about as if nothing ever happened. He knows I'd never go through with it and he trusts me. I will never, never violate his trust.
> 
> ...


What have YOU tried to improve in the marriage? I know you told him that you were bored in the past and that you wanted to have more excitement in the marriage. However, did you try to bring about that excitement or were you waiting for your husband to make it more exciting? 

Your husband is clueless. How he could be back to normal as if nothing happened and continue to be oblivious to the TRUE STATE of his marriage is beyond me. He puts too much trust into you, and you put too much trust in yourself. As others have stated, you already went outside the marriage for external, emotional validation for 3 years. That's 3 years you were - most likely - NOT working on your part of the marriage. 

My wife is a SAHM, by choice, and we have 3 kids. Honestly, there is so much work that needs to be done in the house on a daily basis that I KNOW that she does not get bored being a SAHM. I know because I work from home and see what she has to do on a daily basis. She also provides daycare to 2 kids during the day. You need to do more work around the house during the day. I'm guessing you have a maid service that keeps the house clean, and I bet you don't cook on a regular basis either. 

I'll also bet that you two spend hardly any time together in the evening after he comes home from work. Who initiated this separation? Is he hiding in the office playing computer games and surfing the net? Are you burying yourself in FB, twitter and the games associated with these services? How in the hell do you have time to spend hours a day messaging a strange guy on the internet? Don't the two of you do ANYTHING together?

People who take such a lukewarm approach to marriage piss me off...


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

#1 I salute you for catching yourself before you made a mistake. Well done.

#2 I doubly salute you for coming clean. That takes ovaries, and I respect that.

#3 I learned the hard way (although not as hard as your husband!) that my wife needs to be romanced and sexed up and have her boundaries pushed in the bedroom... even when she says that she doesn't. Encourage this in your husband. Also getting in shape, and being open and honest about what you find attractive in these other dudes. Is it dominance? Is it abs? Is it kink? Etc.

#4 Zero contact with other dudes. You can't trust yourself right now.

#5 Work on better ways to be a better wife. It is very possible that he doesn't turn you on in the bedroom because you're not turning him on. It's very possible that he's not romancing you because you're not being open to being romanced. Find out what turns him on, attracts him. Be open to hearing this.

#6 You need to get a hobby, a job, or something... time on your hands free right now is not a good thing.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stay at home parent done right = no time to even REMOTELY get bored. Sorry

My wife is a stay at home mother and busts her butt all day. There is NEVER enough hours in a day to do it all.

Just when you think you catch up, there is more........


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Make sure you block any/all contact with the Facebook guy.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Your hubby may be ACTING like he is okay, but he is not. You have hurt him to the core of his being. You will have to spend the next few years devoting yourself to him every day. 

Much of the apathy you have been feeling in your marriage stems from your online affair with the other man, apathy was not the cause of the affair. You started talking to this other man and you liked the attention. The more attention you gave him the more apathetic you became towards hubby. See, you got it all backwards. 

And please tell us why you have had "opportunities to cheat with desirable wealthy men"? What kind of social groups do you and hubby hang out with? On what occasions are you running into these men? During nights clubbing with girlfriends? Do you have girlfriends who cheat on their husbands? If so, you need to stop this activity now and get rid of those toxic friends. You need to stop putting yourself in social situations where you are being hit on by wealthy men. You need to give your husband complete access and control of your computer. If you are blogging on social networks and Facebook, you may need to give things things up voluntarily to prove to your husband you are committed to him and committed to healing the marriage. 

It is time to put on your Big Girl britches and fix the damage you have done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

DoF said:


> Stay at home parent done right = no time to even REMOTELY get bored. Sorry
> 
> My wife is a stay at home mother and busts her butt all day. There is NEVER enough hours in a day to do it all.
> 
> Just when you think you catch up, there is more........


You find cleaning and laundry interesting? Lucky you.

Sure there is plenty to do, but plenty of time to daydream whilst doing it. That's the danger. I agree with the suggestions to the OP to get a job or a hobby or something that will engage her brain and take her mind off tedious drudgery.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

What about the tedious drudgery her husband puts up with while busting his butt at work every day to provide her with the comfortable life she has become accustomed to?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

LostViking said:


> What about the tedious drudgery her husband puts up with while busting his butt at work every day to provide her with the comfortable life she has become accustomed to?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair point. She has not told us what he does for a living. I guess he *could* be a janitor.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Your hubby may be ACTING like he is okay, but he is not. You have hurt him to the core of his being. You will have to spend the next few years devoting yourself to him every day.
> 
> Much of the apathy you have been feeling in your marriage stems from your online affair with the other man, apathy was not the cause of the affair. You started talking to this other man and you liked the attention. The more attention you gave him the more apathetic you became towards hubby. See, you got it all backwards.
> 
> ...


Yep. This hurts like f***!

But he'll probably never let you see the pain. Maybe not until he and you are least expecting it.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> You find cleaning and laundry interesting? Lucky you.
> 
> Sure there is plenty to do, but plenty of time to daydream whilst doing it. That's the danger. I agree with the suggestions to the OP to get a job or a hobby or something that will engage her brain and take her mind off tedious drudgery.


She hasn't told us even if she is doing the full time SAHM duty or if she has idle time on her hands. I admit that I have a suspicion that she's not fully engaging in the duties of a SAHM. Until she replies, we won't know for sure.

We also don't know if the H decides that his day is done when he gets home and she gets zero help from him. I could understand resentment and a wandering eye if he's unengaged and doing his own thing after work while she's stuck doing it all.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Affairs are normal human behavior. Monogamy and fidelity are now the ABnormal state!

Over 50% of both men and women cheat in some relationship during their lives. It's said that nearly a third have cheated in a current relationship. Other estimates are that over 70% of all marriages will experience infidelity (emtional or physical, by one or both partners), whether discovered or revealed - or not, as is most often the case.

You can make your relationship less susceptible to cheating, but there are no guarantees. The best prevention is a great relationship, truly mutually loving, caring, happy, and respectful, with both trying to meet each other's needs which are well communicated and well-heard.



> Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."


From: http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html

Which seems based on: http://www.menstuff.org/columns/sommer/archive.html#infidelity
which provides references to relevant studies.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Make sure you block any/all contact with the Facebook guy.


Excellent point! I hadn't seen this mentioned in previous posts and was about to bring it up myself.


----------



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> She hasn't told us even if she is doing the full time SAHM duty or if she has idle time on her hands. I admit that I have a suspicion that she's not fully engaging in the duties of a SAHM. Until she replies, we won't know for sure.
> 
> We also don't know if the H decides that his day is done when he gets home and she gets zero help from him. I could understand resentment and a wandering eye if he's unengaged and doing his own thing after work while she's stuck doing it all.


I'm a full-time SAHM, I also volunteer at the schools, teaching reading and being Room Mom. He wants me to be a stay at home mom. I am fine with that, I think.

I probably could do a better job at SAHMing. I get things done but I do have a lot of free time.... cross stitching and making candles just isn't doing it for me. I suppose I could spend more time wiping baseboards or volunteering at the school, though.

Hub does help around the house and with the kids. He is blameless in this situation and that is why I feel so awful about it! He is a wonderful guy and I love him.

I think we'll be fine, actually.... I have an appointment with a therapist anyway.

Maybe relevant: I also suffer from severe depression and bipolar and am on meds for it. I've gained a lot of weight on these meds, and I'm feeling really terrible about the way I look.

Maybe I am trying to feel "sexy" again because of that.

No excuses, I am just trying to figure out what's wrong here.

I will no longer be talking to this man and I'm also planning to limit my alcohol intake.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Glad you are trying now.

Your H is really going to be hurt by this.

Do give him all the emails that you and your friend sent to each other. No more secrets.

If your H had this emotional affair, would you be hurt? Think about it. That is the pain that he is feeling.


----------



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> Glad you are trying now.
> 
> Your H is really going to be hurt by this.
> 
> ...


Oh, hub knew all along I was talking to the guy, and never cared about it. :scratchhead: I even told him I'd stop if it bothered him but he said he didn't mind.

By the way, this is a great forum and I really appreciate the replies I've gotten here.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

blue102 said:


> Oh, hub knew all along I was talking to the guy, and never cared about it. :scratchhead: I even told him I'd stop if it bothered him but he said he didn't mind.


So did it get sexual only toward the end or...?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blue102 said:


> Oh, hub knew all along I was talking to the guy, and never cared about it. :scratchhead: I even told him I'd stop if it bothered him but he said he didn't mind.
> 
> By the way, this is a great forum and I really appreciate the replies I've gotten here.


I also did not mind my husband chatting with other women online for a long time. Why? Because I trusted him. Turns out I was just stupid to trust him.


----------



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> So did it get sexual only toward the end or...?


My talking with him was never sexual at all, until the other night when I was drunk and asked him to visit me.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blue102 said:


> My talking with him was never sexual at all, until the other night when I was drunk and asked him to visit me.


Good that you stopped it as soon as things went sexual.

What was it like before that? Was there a lot of complements going back an forth? A lot of non-sexual but intimate talk?


----------



## blue102 (May 11, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Good that you stopped it as soon as things went sexual.
> 
> What was it like before that? Was there a lot of complements going back an forth? A lot of non-sexual but intimate talk?


We chatted on IM, so it wasn't incredibly intimate. We'd just chit chat for the most part-- stuff about life, things that were going on.

I knew he found me attractive though. He did say that.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> You find cleaning and laundry interesting? Lucky you.


ANYTHING one does is as interesting as they want to make it.

And again, there should be NO time for boredom......if she has time to think while doing little tasks, think about hobby or what she wants to to?


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley

This is a great book. I learned a lot that I can tell you.
Bravo for not having a PA. Yes the online EA is terrible. But give yourself some credit. You put the breaks on.

You must stop all the contact with the OM


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blue102 said:


> We chatted on IM, so it wasn't incredibly intimate. We'd just chit chat for the most part-- stuff about life, things that were going on.
> 
> I knew he found me attractive though. He did say that.


Anytime a man spends time with a woman that is not required, you can basically assume that he wants sex with her. Sure there are a few exceptions, but for the most part men do not spend time with women they are not interested in.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I feel the need to echo these sentiments, especially those in bold...



marduk said:


> *#1 I salute you for catching yourself before you made a mistake. Well done.*
> 
> *#2 I doubly salute you for coming clean. That takes ovaries, and I respect that.*
> 
> ...





Fordsvt said:


> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Jr. Harley
> 
> This is a great book. I learned a lot that I can tell you.
> *Bravo for not having a PA. Yes the online EA is terrible. But give yourself some credit. You put the breaks on.*
> ...


Having said that, I'm thinking that understanding this (for you) will be crucial...



blue102 said:


> The feeling is so good, and my husband will never turn me on in that way.


Can you expand a bit upon this?


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If you're that bored and stale, is your husband feeling the same way?

How about walking in his shoes for awhile? Go to work with him, put in the hours he does to support the family and see if you still find him so boring and uninspiring.

Do the words "attention" and "compliments" make you tingle?


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

There's a book called Women's Infidelity you might want to read. It's an ebook and the author has no credible references, other than an interesting perspective. I personally thought it was fascinating. Basically she attributes infidelity to a societal suppression of women's sexuality and very clearly outlines the steps towards infidelity. You made it to step 2.

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


----------



## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

6301 said:


> Truth be told blue102, your the luckiest woman walking the face of the earth right now.
> 
> You have a good husband, a nice home, a beautiful family and your husband is also your best friend.
> 
> ...


This. It's time to grow up. You sound entitled and selfish, quite frankly. Work on your marriage and yourself and cut off ALL contact with other men on the internet. Do you do anything to spice up your marriage and make it more passionate, or do you just expect your husband to do all the work?


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Anytime a man spends time with a woman that is not required, you can basically assume that he wants sex with her. Sure there are a few exceptions, but for the most part men do not spend time with women they are not interested in.


This is the truth. Preach it!


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't think you or your DH are fully 'aware' of how easy it is for a person to cheat. You were actively cultivating an EA without either of you even realising it; add a bit of alcohol or a bad patch with your DH or both and suddenly it's a PA. I'm sure you'd feel terrible about it after the fact. Just like I feel terrible about eating that block of chocolate, but I went to the shop, I put it in the trolley, I brought it home... it was sort of inevitable. What would people say to me if I then cried over eating it? Why on earth did you buy it in the first place if you didn't want to eat it? Yeah, feeling bad about it afterwards doesn't excuse all the actions that led you there to start with.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think anytime you have thoughts of an affair,being bored,or thoughts of other men you need to send your husband a sweet message or write down something you love about him.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I worry for you, about your husband's reaction to your EA. The nonchalant attitude to me is strange. To me, this signifies that he has:

1) Had a similar inappropriate relationship of his own and is relieved to not be the only "bad guy" in the marriage. Or was also thinking about having an affair and now instead he can have one under the guise of a "revenge affair".

2) That he is in denial about how damaging this is.

3) That he is burying his head in the sand, rug-sweeping it and hoping it will go away. 

4) That inside he's reeling but chooses not to show it, hoping it will go away.

Despite how calm, collected and understanding your husband appears to be right now, I really don't think it wise to feel secure in his reactions at the moment. I do think things like this come up later to bite you in the @ss.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> I worry for you, about your husband's reaction to your EA. The nonchalant attitude to me is strange. To me, this signifies that he has:
> 
> 1) Had a similar inappropriate relationship of his own and is relieved to not be the only "bad guy" in the marriage. Or was also thinking about having an affair and now instead he can have one under the guise of a "revenge affair".
> 
> ...


From what I've read on TAM, a hubby's lack of response hurts the W. He does need to read MMSLP. I've read many times, H lack of response validated the W need to continue and deepen the affair. Hoping OP does a permanent NC with this online menace to her marriage. OP needs to work on herself daily like no other time in her life. NC on online dude, No online accounts, share all mail, phone accounts with H.

Me/Us?? We both have married and a few single friends. We always meet as couples, not individually.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Q tip said:


> From what I've read on TAM, a hubby's lack of response hurts the W. He does need to read MMSLP. I've read many times, H lack of response validated the W need to continue and deepen the affair. Hoping OP does a permanent NC with this online menace to her marriage. OP needs to work on herself daily like no other time in her life. NC on online dude, No online accounts, share all mail, phone accounts with H.
> 
> Me/Us?? We both have married and a few single friends. We always meet as couples, not individually.


I agree that reading MMSLP would be good for him. book makes many interesting points. the one that comes to my mind for this thread is (paraphrasing) _all wives are replaceable_


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

intheory said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Wonderful, constructive piece of advice.


thanks

It really helps get your mind onto a positive track and away from temptation. I'm such a validation wh*re and have sh*tty bpd boundaries in times of trouble so I rely heavily on this method nowadays. It DOES work if you can stick with it. The more positive attention you express toward your husband the more positive attention he will give to you,if he's a good man of course.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Q tip said:


> From what I've read on TAM, a hubby's lack of response hurts the W. He does need to read MMSLP. I've read many times, H lack of response validated the W need to continue and deepen the affair. Hoping OP does a permanent NC with this online menace to her marriage. OP needs to work on herself daily like no other time in her life. NC on online dude, No online accounts, share all mail, phone accounts with H.
> 
> Me/Us?? We both have married and a few single friends. We always meet as couples, not individually.


I have experienced this.... my ex's friends used to hit on me all the time and he never gave it a second thought and would laugh. It hurt because my heart said "he doesn't care if he lost me." I WANTED him to have my back.


----------

