# Confused and Torn



## confused in seatle (Aug 16, 2013)

So I will keep this short. I found out last year that my wife had cheated on me... and for a year, we have been going back and forth trying to make it work. About 2 months ago, I asked her to leave because I think she needed time to reflect on not only herself but what she did. The affair was emotional as far as she will tell me and for the most part I believe her. After I found out, it was hard. We went and did marriage counseling and the whole nine yards. Things started to get great and then something triggered in me two months ago. I feel that she hasn't done anything to show that she is truely remorseful and I am so angry at her. We have three kids and I am currently taking care of them. She comes as much as she can to see the boys. Everytime she is around, I just want to wrap my arms around her but I stop myself. Even though it is visably hard on her, I still just do not think she is doing enough to make it up to me. I believe that she would never do it again but I just don't know. I wonder constantly what she is doing while she is away. Who she is with... it is constant. I asked her home recently and she said she can't. She doesnt feel that she is ready or that I am ready. I know I make things hard on her by always telling her to help me get over this. I really feel that she owes it to me. She is supposed to be my best friend and she betrayed me. I might not be someone who can get over this. I really do love her but, man, she betrayed me. I really would love to make it work but those what if questions always creep up and I change my mind. She can't make up her mind either. Why can't she just figure out what she needs to do to make it okay? Maybe I am wrong in this thinking but I am just so mad. She thought that I was starting to get over it the last few months but in reality, I just kept it pent up because it was easier. I want our boys to have their mom here with us. I want her with me, but I just do not know how to move on. Some days I want it, some days I don't. I know it is normal to be confused, but this is crazy. I am lost at the moment.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years for the betrayed spouse (BS) to recover from an affair. Your are at a very normal place in recovery. The fact that she is not home makes it much harder to rebuild your bond and for her to prove to you that she can be trusted.

Separations are a very bad idea. They usually lead to divorce. Why? Because a couple cannot fix anything if they are not working on it together.

I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair".


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## confused in seatle (Aug 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It takes 2-5 years for the betrayed spouse (BS) to recover from an affair. Your are at a very normal place in recovery. The fact that she is not home makes it much harder to rebuild your bond and for her to prove to you that she can be trusted.
> 
> Separations are a very bad idea. They usually lead to divorce. Why? Because a couple cannot fix anything if they are not working on it together.
> 
> I think that you would benefit from reading the book "Surviving an Affair".


I feel like she is in a rush for me to be able to get over it. 2-5 years... seems like a better amount of time rather than 1. 
I feel like she doesn't think it was that big of a deal... but it is. Even if nothing physical never happened, it doesn't make it any better. I truely believe she is sorry for her actions. We were in a very bad place in our relationship and I understand that sometimes you need someone to lean on to...but lean on a girl friend... not a man. I don't care if he was going through the same or not and they could relate. It is wrong. Period. At least I know I am not wrong in that it is easy to get over this. 
I want her home but she says she doesnt feel she is ready. I think she is scared. 

I think I will have to look into that book. Anything that can help me get through this is appreciated. I don't feel like I have anyone to lean on and help get me through this...but her. Call me crazy. But thank you.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Bring her home. Give her hugs. If she does it again don't confront her about the new affair just come home with D-papers in hand.


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## confused in seatle (Aug 16, 2013)

Blacksmith01 said:


> Bring her home. Give her hugs. If she does it again don't confront her about the new affair just come home with D-papers in hand.


I just wish it was easier on both of us. I do not think she would ever do it again and trust me, if she did, D-papers would be in hand. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

confused in seatle said:


> So I will keep this short. I found out last year that my wife had cheated on me... and for a year, we have been going back and forth trying to make it work. About 2 months ago, I asked her to leave because I think she needed time to reflect on not only herself but what she did. The affair was emotional as far as she will tell me and for the most part I believe her.


Based on what I've read the chances it was emotional only are about 10%. That's anecdotal of course. Best option here is a poly. 




confused in seatle said:


> After I found out, it was hard. We went and did marriage counseling and the whole nine yards. Things started to get great and then something triggered in me two months ago. I feel that she hasn't done anything to show that she is truely remorseful and I am so angry at her.




Sounds like you started to wake up. She hasn't done anything to show she's sorry because she isn't. 




confused in seatle said:


> We have three kids and I am currently taking care of them. She comes as much as she can to see the boys. Everytime she is around, I just want to wrap my arms around her but I stop myself.


The only thing you should wrap your hands around for now instead of your kids is a barbell. 

Are you lifting weights? Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer? 



confused in seatle said:


> Even though it is visably hard on her, I still just do not think she is doing enough to make it up to me. I believe that she would never do it again but I just don't know.


You fell for it once, and you're honestly saying you don't think she'll cheat again? 

That sounds illogical. If anything she's MORE likely to cheat. 


confused in seatle said:


> I wonder constantly what she is doing while she is away. Who she is with... it is constant. I asked her home recently and she said she can't.


How quaint. You know if she really wanted you and her kids, her family back, wouldn't she JUMP at the chance to come home under any condition? If it were me I'd make up excuses to go back. 



confused in seatle said:


> She doesnt feel that she is ready or that I am ready. I know I make things hard on her by always telling her to help me get over this.


This. Victim thinking. You do not need her to get over this. You do not need her at all. You must develop the coping skills to see yourself through this. 

Why is more of her somehow a cure? She caused this. More of the problem doesn't make for a solution. 

Oh, and stop worrying about her so much. Worry about you. 

And Oh #2: She wasn't "ready" to come home probably because there's another man. 


confused in seatle said:


> I really feel that she owes it to me. She is supposed to be my best friend and she betrayed me. I might not be someone who can get over this. I really do love her but, man, she betrayed me. I really would love to make it work but those what if questions always creep up and I change my mind. She can't make up her mind either. Why can't she just figure out what she needs to do to make it okay? Maybe I am wrong in this thinking but I am just so mad. She thought that I was starting to get over it the last few months but in reality, I just kept it pent up because it was easier. I want our boys to have their mom here with us. I want her with me, but I just do not know how to move on. Some days I want it, some days I don't. I know it is normal to be confused, but this is crazy. I am lost at the moment.



That's the roller coaster. Your zeal for her and your relationship will ebb and flow like the tide. 

In my case it went in and out and in and out over and over. Eventually it went out, and never came back in. 

It may not seem like it, but eventually you will stop bouncing around. 

Unlike my FWW, yours left. Mine refused to leave, forcing the choices onto me. 

Based on your description of her and the situation, it's unlikely to be only an emotional affair. Regardless it sounds like there's a third party in the picture. 

My advice is buy yourself some things to remind you you're important. It's not about her, it's about you. Go out with some friends, talk to other women. (yes, even flirt.)


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

confused in seatle said:


> I want her home but she says she doesnt feel she is ready. I think she is scared.


You've got this exactly backwards. Re-read awake1's response. Here you are longing for her and making it known to her you want her back ... meanwhile, she's out living the single life. What do you think she's doing? She's not ready to come back??? Really? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to read between the lines here ... she's got another man! That's why she's not ready.

A remorseful person, would be begging you to come back home in tears ... making all sorts of concessions and attempting to bargain their way back into your life. Doesn't sound like your wife's actions does it? 

Forget about her ... she's apparently forgotten about you. My only question to you is ... when are you going to realize it and do something about it?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get a polygraph. Follow thru with it. Judge her reaction and give her one last chance to tell you everything in the parking lot before you go in. You may be surprised
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Fwiw I think separations are a bad idea. You have kicked her ou, she may view it as a chance to cheat
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused in seatle (Aug 16, 2013)

I honestly do not believe she is cheating on me or has another man in her life. I truely believe her... not to mention the couple she is staying with happen to be good friends of ours... and sadly, I get updates on her "activities". She has done nothing but go to work and go back to their place and hang out if she isnt at our place with the boys. So I do have some piece of mind. I pressure her and constantly tell her what she needs to do for me but I really think that she is afraid of not living up to those standards that I set. Some of them, I'll admit, are a little much but it is to help ease my mind. I'm being a little selfish. Everyday that I see her, she leaves with tears in her eyes. Pressure is a *****. She did agree to do a poly last year when I confronted her... she said she had told me everything. I believe her. We never went through with it though. Just the fact that she was more than willing to do that for me said a lot. She doesn't do things for no reason or if it would put her in a compromising situation. I just need to stop these freakout thoughts that I have. I did start reading that book "surviving the affair" and it has some good tips and tricks. I need to work on getting through this.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

confused in seatle said:


> I honestly do not believe she is cheating on me or has another man in her life. I truely believe her... not to mention the couple she is staying with happen to be good friends of ours... and sadly, I get updates on her "activities". She has done nothing but go to work and go back to their place and hang out if she isnt at our place with the boys. So I do have some piece of mind. I pressure her and constantly tell her what she needs to do for me but I really think that she is afraid of not living up to those standards that I set. Some of them, I'll admit, are a little much but it is to help ease my mind. I'm being a little selfish. Everyday that I see her, she leaves with tears in her eyes. Pressure is a *****. *She did agree to do a poly last year when I confronted her... she said she had told me everything. I believe her. We never went through with it though. Just the fact that she was more than willing to do that for me said a lot. * She doesn't do things for no reason or if it would put her in a compromising situation. I just need to stop these freakout thoughts that I have. I did start reading that book "surviving the affair" and it has some good tips and tricks. I need to work on getting through this.


Sorry freind, but she was probably banking on you backing out of her taking the poly. I'm not saying that she was lying, or hadn't given you the WHOLE truth, but I would be surprised.

You should have told her that you scheduled the poly appointment and gone as far as driving to take the test...

I can almost guaranty that your got a "parking lot" confession. Would it have involved details to a PA,, who knows...

If I were you, I would tell her I will be taking her up on her poly offer. Tell her it's scheduled for "fill_in_the_date" and wait. I'll be very surprised if she doesn't tell you more. Of course, she only with held this info because she "did not want to hurt you anymore".

I'd pull into the parking lot, shut the car off, turn too her and say "Last chance". If you fail the poly, we get divorced.

If she tells you that you she's already told you every thing, get out of the car, start walking to the building and stop before you go in.

Tell her "I'm satisfied" and start walking to the car.

If she get's that close to the poly test and doesn't tell you anything more happened, then I'd be 99.99% sure that she's told you the truth.

It doesn't make the EA less painful, but it should go a long way to making a R more feasible... To me it would anyway.

Oh ya, and by no means ever give her the name of the poly place. At least not until you are "on your way" there. You are not actually scheduling a poly test, so if you give her a company name, she could check into it and blow you out of the water.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

workindad said:


> Get a polygraph. Follow thru with it. Judge her reaction and give her one last chance to tell you everything in the parking lot before you go in. You may be surprised
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And two of the questions would be: "Are you seeing any other man? Are you still in contact with AP xxxxx?"


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Just because you truly believe something, does not make it a fact.

Get the poly, do not waiver. The odds you are being trickle truthed are high.

If she doesn't think she's ready, then skip the poly and see an attorney. You are leaving her to be the one to make the decisions. Why are you doing that? Decisive actions are most likely your best bet to bring her head out of her arse.

Good luck.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Confused in Seattle,

Sorry to find you here and for the tough time you are going through.

1. How sure are you that her affair is only Emotional? Even it is "only" Emotional, it is cheating.
2. Why is she not asking for forgiveness from you? Your post does not imply that she is remorseful. You called her home and she refused to come home?
3. I think that you do not have complete disclosure of what happened. Ask her to come completely clean about the affair.

You should stay strong. Only then she will fight for the marriage.

Take care
AU


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

confused in seatle said:


> I honestly do not believe she is cheating on me or has another man in her life. I truely believe her... not to mention the couple she is staying with happen to be good friends of ours... and sadly, I get updates on her "activities". She has done nothing but go to work and go back to their place and hang out if she isnt at our place with the boys. So I do have some piece of mind. I pressure her and constantly tell her what she needs to do for me but I really think that she is afraid of not living up to those standards that I set. Some of them, I'll admit, are a little much but it is to help ease my mind. I'm being a little selfish. Everyday that I see her, she leaves with tears in her eyes. Pressure is a *****. She did agree to do a poly last year when I confronted her... she said she had told me everything. I believe her. We never went through with it though. Just the fact that she was more than willing to do that for me said a lot. She doesn't do things for no reason or if it would put her in a compromising situation. I just need to stop these freakout thoughts that I have. I did start reading that book "surviving the affair" and it has some good tips and tricks. I need to work on getting through this.


There are lots of ea's where there isn't sex involved. Some people are caught up with thinking that everybody is lying about that. I made the mistake of assuming and thinking that of course my H was lying about his EA and that they definitely had sex. I made it harder on myself regarding that, however, in the end, it isn't the sex that is the betrayal, but the emotional connection that is the real betrayal.

At the point when it was verified to me that they never had sex, I never actually admitted to my H that I knew that to be true, I have let him keep on wondering what I think and or know in that regard and that I expect him to be on his toes regarding our marriage. 

Those involved in the ea tell themselves that because there is not any sex going on that what they are doing is ok. It is there way of justifying the whole thing. They also like keeping that desire hanging out there, it keeps everything fresh and new and the chemistry strong.

My point is that once I verified that they never had sex, it didn't make it any easier. I thought it would, but it didn't. The emotional connection is a harder betrayal to get over then a purely physical one. 

It took my H a full year, I would say right up to the end of the 12 moth mark before my husband started to really realize that he had to do the work, the real work you are talking about, and suddenly, right after it had been a full year, I started to notice he was making a real effort, that he had realized that his life's coping skills were affecting him negatively in all his interpersonal relationships, not just our marriage. And so, the transition to moving on finally began and it has been good for all of his relationships, as a husband, father, friend, brother son etc. Once you see the real work and remorse, the actual act of the affair will not have anymore power over you.

I think your W needs to be home. If she is shying away from that, do what you can to get her back at home so you can start the process, you can't do it without her there very easily.

I hope this helps.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

You say she is staying over with another couple and doesn't want to come home...well, unless its her brother and his wife then you should be worrying about that!


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You sound very much in denial. 

It also sounds like you're trying to lean on your wife for strength. As if that worked so well before.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confused in seatle said:


> The affair was emotional *as far as she will tell me* and *for the most part* I believe her.


As far as she will tell you?

For the most part?

What does this mean? That you doubt she's telling you the truth?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confused in seatle said:


> I asked her home recently and she said she can't. She doesnt feel that she is ready or that I am ready.


This is typical cheater speak for "I would like to explore a new relationship with another man and it's easier if I'm not living with you." Less so, maybe, in your case, because you are the one who asked her to leave, she does seem interested in coming every day to see the kids.


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