# TAM success story!



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I just wanted to say thanks to TAM...I have met a lot of good people on here. I have got a lot of good advice and I hope given good advice. 
I have always been transparent about what I do online with my husband. He saw that I friended someone on Facebook of the opposite sex and the next day was very upset.
He said it was because he didn't want a stranger having access to our information. So I usually before TAM would have said "what is your deal? Don't you trust me? You have issues, I'm not your ex." 
But instead I just said "ok he's defriended." 
Honestly I think he did get triggered. 

I explained to him later that if I've learned anything from TAM, it's that if your spouse asks you to limit contact with a member of the OS you just do it. I think he's a TAM fan now. 

He told me later he feels so glad that I didn't argue about it, that he heard "he's just a friend" from his ex so many times. And she was a cheating wayward. 

It feels like we are stronger. 😃


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yay!!
So happy for you!!! Congratulations.
that being said... FB is such a trigger for me  or at least reading how you willingly defriended someone.
My ex would have never ever done that. Would have accused me of being controlling and jealous.

These triggers are crappy huh??

But once again! Good Job! Keep up the good work


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Thanks for sharing your story. Good to see what respect and understanding can mean in a marriage.

The thing about triggers is (for me anyway) is that they are real for the one who has them.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I thought it was quite alpha of him too.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Great job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Honestly, I hate to sound negative on this, but I really don't consider this a success. 



> He said it was because he didn't want a stranger having access to our information.


Your friends on Facebook don't get "access to your information" other than what you decide to share with the public.



> I explained to him later that if I've learned anything from TAM, it's that if your spouse asks you to limit contact with a member of the OS you just do it.


So would you wear a burkha if he asked you to?
And what about same-sex friends? If you were bisexual, should he have the right to limit your contact with all friends period, both male and female?

I've been on TAM awhile now, and an awful lot of the couples here become "insulated" from the outside world, and in other threads I have read married partners admit they have no outside friends other than their spouse. 

But just so you understand the perspective I'm coming from, I've spent years in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Kuwait, and seen how destructive these demands can get. Some women are not only covered from head to toe, but not even allowed to sit by the window, in case some man on the street might wave to them or something. They sure as hell can't get out and exercise or anything. I don't think this is a healthy direction for couples to go. 



> He told me later he feels so glad that I didn't argue about it, that he heard "he's just a friend" from his ex so many times. And she was a cheating wayward.


Of course there is the other extreme too. But if you never gave your husband any reason to be suspicious, then I don't think he should be suspicious. 

I am glad you are happy with the result, but if this becomes a trend, I worry about the long-term consequences for your marriage.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Honestly, I hate to sound negative on this, but I really don't consider this a success.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm wearing one right now!!!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> So would you wear a burkha if he asked you to?
> And what about same-sex friends? If you were bisexual, should he have the right to limit your contact with all friends period, both male and female?
> 
> I've been on TAM awhile now, and an awful lot of the couples here become "insulated" from the outside world, and in other threads I have read married partners admit they have no outside friends other than their spouse.
> ...


How did you get there from her original post? What does what she said have to do with middle eastern culture and the traditional wardrobe that muslim women where in those countries? 

So she is going to go from defriending one guy on facebook to all of sudden becoming a recluse with no friends? Thats a far stretch.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with cutting someone off at the request of your spouse. She in no way indicated that she is in a controlling relationship.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> I'm wearing one right now!!!


:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I'm wearing one right now!!!


Are you showing your rebellious side and beadazzling it?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

mablenc said:


> :lol:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also I'm not allowed to go to male massage therapists or male gynecologists. I have to avert from eyes from all males except blood relatives. But I'll do it for him.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I hope you didn't embroider that burka :whip:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Are you showing your rebellious side and beadazzling it?


I put bedazzles on it where my nipples would be.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> How did you get there from her original post?


The same way the husband got to "strangers having access to their private information" from the OP simply having a male facebook friend. 

BTW, I should have added that this excuse doesn't really wash anyway. *Why be afraid of men reading their private information but not women??*



> _What does what she said have to do with middle eastern culture and the traditional wardrobe that muslim women where in those countries?_


Is TAM limited to western or Christian cultures only?

Anyway, the same reasoning is used to justify both, which is why I brought it up. 



> _So she is going to go from defriending one guy on facebook to all of sudden becoming a recluse with no friends? Thats a far stretch._


That is the direction she is headed in, and she's taking cues from people at TAM, many of whom are already there. No stretch needed. 



> _There is absolutely nothing wrong with cutting someone off at the request of your spouse._


I disagree, at least in the context of the OP's situation here.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

FFS I give up on TAM. Such an annoying site.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

There is always someone who wants to piss in your Cheerios.  Congrats, Diwali, on understanding your husband's needs, and making him feel secure. You know that your marriage is more important than a casual friendship. And we know that no mere mortal man will ever put a burka on the very feisty Diwali!


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

Facebook is such a non-important facet to life. I was on mine all the time in the past, but then I shut it down for a year while coping with divorce and after two weeks I didn't miss it in the least. 
I'm sure the OP has boundaries for how much control her hubby has over her. In fact, he didn't demand she do anything from what I can tell. 
I don't think that being FB friends with someone should be a big enough deal to the extent that there should be an argument if a triggered spouse is uncomfortable with it. In fact, if I were married to someone with a bit of these trust issues (scars from past infidelity), I would try to find out if anything specific about the situation/person and avoid it in the future if possible. BTW, I love being in relationships, but I'm still a pretty independent person. 

Well done, Diwali!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

GinnyTonia said:


> Facebook is such a non-important facet to life. I was on mine all the time in the past, but then I shut it down for a year while coping with divorce and after two weeks I didn't miss it in the least.
> I'm sure the OP has boundaries for how much control her hubby has over her. In fact, he didn't demand she do anything from what I can tell.
> I don't think that being FB friends with someone should be a big enough deal to the extent that there should be an argument if a triggered spouse is uncomfortable with it. In fact, if I were married to someone with a bit of these trust issues (scars from past infidelity), I would try to find out if anything specific about the situation/person and avoid it in the future if possible. BTW, I love being in relationships, but I'm still a pretty independent person.
> 
> Well done, Diwali!


I hardly use FB anymore, I deleted a ton of friends a few months back. 
The odd thing is that I have old guy friends on there and an old friend that I had a long distance fling with. He knows all of this. 
It was just something about a stranger from online that set him off. Like maybe he was afraid I would be stalked or something too. I don't know but he was pretty upset. 
I am glad I had the opportunity to show him that I'm not like his ex, just looking for male attention and trying to keep my options open like she did.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> I hardly use FB anymore, I deleted a ton of friends a few months back.
> The odd thing is that I have old guy friends on there and an old friend that I had a long distance fling with. He knows all of this.
> It was just something about a stranger from online that set him off. Like maybe he was afraid I would be stalked or something too. I don't know but he was pretty upset.
> I am glad I had the opportunity to show him that I'm not like his ex, just looking for male attention and trying to keep my options open like she did.


This looks balanced and healthy to me. Well done!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> That is the direction she is headed in, and she's taking cues from people at TAM, many of whom are already there. No stretch needed.


Everyone on TAM projects based on their life experiences for the most part. In this particular instance I think you're reaching a bit and perhaps using her post as a way to voice your concern about married people who isolate themselves. I agree that isolating yourself is unhealthy. I just can't see how you got there based on what limited info the OP provided. Agree to disagree I guess.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> *Everyone on TAM projects based on their life experiences for the most part. * In this particular instance I think you're reaching a bit and perhaps using her post as a way to voice your concern about married people who isolate themselves. I agree that isolating yourself is unhealthy. I just can't see how you got there based on what limited info the OP provided. Agree to disagree I guess.


That's about all I'm clever enough to do, ha! 

And I completely agree to the rest of your post.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> Everyone on TAM projects based on their life experiences for the most part.


They do, but the smart ones, the ones you would probably do well to listen to, are the ones who recognize that their experience is their own and not divinely inspired truth. A data point, not a paradigm.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Everyone on TAM projects based on their life experiences for the most part. In this particular instance I think you're reaching a bit and perhaps using her post as a way to voice your concern about married people who isolate themselves.


I was responding to the OP who said, quote: "_if I've learned anything from TAM, it's that if your spouse asks you to limit contact with a member of the OS you just do it._"

I'm just pointing out that while that might be the majority consensus on TAM, it could very well be because of the rather "isolationist" bent of the readers here, not because it's necessarily the best advice.


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## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

Theseus said:


> I was responding to the OP who said, quote: "_if I've learned anything from TAM, it's that if your spouse asks you to limit contact with a member of the OS you just do it._"
> 
> I'm just pointing out that while that might be the majority consensus on TAM, it could very well be because of the rather "isolationist" bent of the readers here, not because it's necessarily the best advice.


Bottom line:

diwali felt it was an appropriate course of action. Her husband thought it was an appropriate course of action. They are both happy, and feel their relationship is stronger.

Does anything else about this story really matter? 

TAM is here to help marital relationships. She applied things she learned on TAM, and as a result their relationship is strengthened. And that's a good thing.

That's all I've got, now I'm going to go keep being happy for d and her husband.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Theseus said:


> I was responding to the OP who said, quote: "_if I've learned anything from TAM, it's that if your spouse asks you to limit contact with a member of the OS you just do it._"
> 
> I'm just pointing out that while that might be the majority consensus on TAM, it could very well be because of the rather "isolationist" bent of the readers here, not because it's necessarily the best advice.


Theseus: I appreciate your cautionary note. My first marriage was characterized by this insidious form of abuse and indeed my husband was a foreign national. When in his country it was even worse, I had to avoid sitting by windows, always had to be escorted by him or his brothers, etc. 

Back in this country, he succeeded in isolating me from all my friends (male and female) while he carried on affairs. Any time someone seeks to isolate you, it's a red flag.... You have to apply the "reasonability" test. 

On TAM I have learned this largely consists of asking frankly, Is this person a FRIEND of the marriage or not? If so, they are welcome, no matter male or female. Sometimes our old friends do not befriend the marriage itself and therefore they are "unfriended." 

Don't give up your whole social self for a marriage. But neither should you sacrifice your marriage on the altar of obligatory past friendships that create discomfort for your spouse.


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