# Please help



## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for almost a year (June 13th). We been together for 3 years..she has 2 kids that I love as my own..We been thru a lot over the years and especially within our marriage.. No one respects the 'marriage" her to be included. She has serious trust issues and insecurities...we've been separated (me not staying in the home) for a week now but I've pretty much seen and talked to her everyday since I left..she says she loves me but is no longer In love with me.. She says I'm not capable of loving her and treating her the way she deserves..totally blind sided by this because she is my world..everyone knows how I feel about her she doesn't believe it she accuses me of looking at other woman any where we go..constantly accuse me of cheating..I have anger problems so I don't like to talk about issues head on I need a minute to cool down so I won't end up saying the wrong, or hurtful things.. She refuses to give me that time which leads me to lash out..now she uses that to say I'm guilty or I wouldn't be getting defensive..I only get defensive because I'm tired of the silly accusations when she know my heart is with her..I can admit when I'm wrong but Ive done nothing to cause a divorce as far as cheating she seems to think so regardless..she even wanted to go on Dr Phil to prove it..its always up and down with her..at this point..she says she doesn't want to be with me but im still spending all my time with her and shes still calling me to do stuff with her but then disses me for 'company'.. Another thing im confused on is she says shes moving on with her life an suggest i do the same but in the same breath she says she will think about us getting back together...How can I save my marriage ?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

What is the cause of her insecurity? What makes her think you're cheating?

ILYBINILWY is a death sentence. Your marriage is potentially already toast. Why is she "not in love with you" anymore?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

I see some similarities between our situations although I was married 12 years.



confused24😕 said:


> *she says she loves me but is no longer In love with me.. She says I'm not capable of loving her and treating her the way she deserves..totally blind sided by this because she is my world*[/B]


I got pretty much same speech and was completely blinded also, I probably should have seen and looking back there were warning signs. You should try and do some self evaluation to see if there signs are there. In my heart i was totally in love with my wife and still am to an extent even though we will soon be over but she did not feel it as I did not express it in a way which she saw.


confused24😕 said:


> I have anger problems so I don't like to talk about issues head on I need a minute to cool down so I won't end up saying the wrong, or hurtful things.. She refuses to give me that time which leads me to lash out.


If you have an Anger problem you need to get it addressed and find a better way of communicating frustration.


confused24😕 said:


> Another thing im confused on is she says shes moving on with her life an suggest i do the same but in the same breath she says she will think about us getting back together...How can I save my marriage ?


Work on the issues you have addressed and she may do more than think, my wife was too far gone and decided she didn't want to do anything but divorce, but she has continually left a little hope and doubt in my mind which has made things more painful, fix yourself and do your own thing and she may see the person she wants to be with again or she may move on but you will be more prepared at that point. The worst thing you can do and I have witnessed this first hand it pursue too much, beg, plead, put pressure on her or tell her you have changed and go and do the same thing you have always done.

Also sounds like she needs IC for some insecurities but if you are serious about staying together you need to fix yourself first and then see if she will do IC or just accept how she is.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

ILYBINILWY + I'm moving on with my life usually means she already has moved on to a new partner.

The lashing out and being suspicious of you cheating is usually done by cheaters when they are in an affair, its called projecting.

Theres a couple red flags here, just sayin'.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

confused24ðŸ˜•;17761241 said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost a year (June 13th). We been together for 3 years..she has 2 kids that I love as my own..We been thru a lot over the years and especially within our marriage.. No one respects the 'marriage" her to be included. She has serious trust issues and insecurities...we've been separated (me not staying in the home) for a week now but I've pretty much seen and talked to her everyday since I left..she says she loves me but is no longer In love with me.. She says I'm not capable of loving her and treating her the way she deserves..totally blind sided by this because she is my world..everyone knows how I feel about her she doesn't believe it she accuses me of looking at other woman any where we go..constantly accuse me of cheating..I have anger problems so I don't like to talk about issues head on I need a minute to cool down so I won't end up saying the wrong, or hurtful things.. She refuses to give me that time which leads me to lash out..now she uses that to say I'm guilty or I wouldn't be getting defensive..I only get defensive because I'm tired of the silly accusations when she know my heart is with her..I can admit when I'm wrong but Ive done nothing to cause a divorce as far as cheating she seems to think so regardless..she even wanted to go on Dr Phil to prove it..its always up and down with her..at this point..she says she doesn't want to be with me but im still spending all my time with her and shes still calling me to do stuff with her but then disses me for 'company'.. Another thing im confused on is she says shes moving on with her life an suggest i do the same but in the same breath she says she will think about us getting back together...How can I save my marriage ?


If you haven't been cheating but have been verbally abusive to her (you say you lash out) then the first thing to do is really sincerely apologize, and in a way that demonstrates that you are going to change that forever. There is a way to argue without attacking the person. This is big thing in relationships. You need to learn to do this. For any relationship you have. Attacking your partner is going to ruin your relationship. You need to learn strategies to fight without insulting and yelling. It can be done and it actually is much more effective. 

That will be your only way back. 

Next is to figure out why she things you are cheating all the time, are you lying to her about stuff, being sneaky, flirting with other women. Does she have some underlying self esteem issues? Maybe you can get her to go with you to marriage counseling to fix that. 

Before you can do that you have to heal the hurt you caused if you can. 

Also check your phone bill just to be sure she isn't cheating. Hate to be cynical but it happens and cheaters a lot of times project.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

confused24😕 said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost a year (June 13th). We been together for 3 years..she has 2 kids that I love as my own..We been thru a lot over the years and especially within our marriage.. No one respects the 'marriage" her to be included. She has serious trust issues and insecurities...we've been separated (me not staying in the home) for a week now but I've pretty much seen and talked to her everyday since I left..*she says she loves me but is no longer In love with me*.. She says I'm not capable of loving her and treating her the way she deserves..totally blind sided by this because she is my world..everyone knows how I feel about her she doesn't believe it she accuses me of looking at other woman any where we go..*constantly accuse me of cheating*..I have anger problems so I don't like to talk about issues head on I need a minute to cool down so I won't end up saying the wrong, or hurtful things.. She refuses to give me that time which leads me to lash out..now she uses that to say I'm guilty or I wouldn't be getting defensive..I only get defensive because I'm tired of the silly accusations when she know my heart is with her..I can admit when I'm wrong but Ive done nothing to cause a divorce as far as cheating she seems to think so regardless..she even wanted to go on Dr Phil to prove it..its always up and down with her..at this point..she says she doesn't want to be with me but im still spending all my time with her and shes still calling me to do stuff with her but then disses me for 'company'.. Another thing im confused on is she says shes moving on with her life an suggest i do the same but in the same breath she says she will think about us getting back together...How can I save my marriage ?



The bolded parts are huge red flags. I love you but not in love with you tends to mean there is someone else already in the picture -- maybe NOT an actual Physical Affair (PA), but usually at LEAST and EA (Emotional Affair). You need to check into her cell phone records and see if there are any unusual texts, numbers you don't recognize, etc. 

Also the fact that she is accusing YOU of cheating is a projection -- cheaters tend to think that their own partners are cheating -- REALLY need to look into this. There is a post that has things to check if you are guessing there is cheating going on (I'm sure someone can post it here -- I don't have the reference handy). Also Weightlifter has a post about what to check on and how to gather evidence. You really need to check into this just to rule out that SHE is already cheating...

VERY sorry you are here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife IS having a physical affair. She no longer loves you and has told you so.

You have no choice but to divorce and move on.
Bad news: that's not what you want.
Good news: it's what you need, and will result in you being happy after healing. It will take a while.

I repeat. She is having a physical affair. You don't want to accept that. She is. 100% sure thing.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife IS having a physical affair. She no longer loves you and has told you so.
> 
> You have no choice but to divorce and move on.
> Bad news: that's not what you want.
> ...


Yep, and not only that, but when you go through the time and agony to process what has happened you will probably be like the rest of us and will realize you wouldn't want her back anyway.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Would you say that one of your "goals" in life is to put a smile on her face?

Be honest.


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Can I save it*

Had to make new acc..couldnt log into Confused24&#55357;&#56853;...My wife and I have been married for almost a year...we been together for 3 rocky years..my wife has serious trust issues and insecurities and constantly accusing me of cheating or staring at other woman..I feel the marriage was rushed (her idea) but now that we are married I'd like to stay that way and work through things..she's having no parts of it..she's telling me she's not Happy with me. She loves me but is no longer in love with me..saying im not capable of loving her the way she needs to..She says she's tired of the way I treat her which is not bad she says she's just tired of my temper and arguing in front of her kids...there's alot of hurt in our relationship obviously but I'm willing to work on that she is not..she expects us to be friends at this point I'm not too fond of that because it hurts. Since I moved out we still been hanging out but she's definitely friend zoned me even turned down a massage "her fave"..she has this ugly image of me an its not at all who I am..she's had a ruff upbringing so thats why I stick it out..my heart is truly hers and not like the others &#55357;&#56853;. I'm 25 and could really use advice my mom hates her so she's no help..my wife is 28 if that helps any...


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*What does it mean*

Update on the weekend...I basically told my wife that I wasn't comfortable with us jus hanging out..I want more than that I want my family back..again she wants no part of that so I told her we cant be friends..idk but for me thats a bit much right now..she says fine take care...a hour later she's blowing my phone up and cussing me out accusing me of messing around...i was actually at my male friend house playing the game just tryna get my mind off things..she called me the "b" Word a thousand times smh told me she hates me..my question is...if she is so over our marriage and moving on why does she react that way anytime a female is mentioned or present? And why is she still calling me to take her places come over to hang out with or without the kids...eating dinner together ..she also wants me to help her go look for a new place...but u thought it was over ? I dont assume I'm moving in I'm just helping her look as a friend ? So confused


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

*Re: What does it mean*

@Confused124 because she's a typical cake eater. 

She doesn't want you but she also doesn't want anyone else to have you. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want you to be able to move on and find your own happiness. She won't let go until she no longer has any use for you in her life.

For whatever reason, you're more than willing to allow yourself to be used by her despite being discarded as her partner.

She's left you and she still thinks you're a 'b'. What exactly are you trying to save?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

*Re: What does it mean*

OP,
She is scared. You are her "parent figure" and therefore her security however, as with any adolescent mind, you also represent responsibility and she does not want any of that. She wants to be able to live the way she wants and yet have the security of an "adult" when she needs help. This condition is rampant and growing worse with each generation.

It really is not that confusing. Perhaps try this to help you understand; find a picture of her when she was somewhere between 8 and 12 years old. Each time you look at her imagine the face of that little girl and expect exactly what you would expect from a child of that age. You will then begin to realize that the mentality you are dealing with is not what it appears to be from the outside.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: What does it mean*



NoChoice said:


> OP,
> She is scared. You are her "parent figure" and therefore her security however, as with any adolescent mind, you also represent responsibility and she does not want any of that. She wants to be able to live the way she wants and yet have the security of an "adult" when she needs help. This condition is rampant and growing worse with each generation.
> 
> It really is not that confusing. Perhaps try this to help you understand; find a picture of her when she was somewhere between 8 and 12 years old. Each time you look at her imagine the face of that little girl and expect exactly what you would expect from a child of that age. You will then begin to realize that the mentality you are dealing with is not what it appears to be from the outside.


Good One!

The child or the teen is in all of us. 

However, most of us keep the little person busy doing fantasy exercises. He is "grounded" forever in our brain case.

As we age, the child becomes a young adult then a fifty year old adult then..................


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

*Re: Can I save it*

The I love you but not in love with you is usually code word for I found someone else. Friendzoning you is trying to keep you as plan B in case nothing else works out.

Speaking as a woman, when we say we are done we are done and there is no going back. After putting up with all the crap we can handle which for most takes us a very long time, there is no going back for us it is usually hard enough for us to make our decision.

You can see if she will go to marriage counseling with you, that will let you know if she is into saving the marriage or not.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Can I save it*

Check your phone bill


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Can I save it*



Confused124 said:


> I'm 25 and could really use advice my mom hates her so she's no help..my wife is 28 if that helps any...


And there's good reason your mom 'hates' her.

I'm sure your mother had much higher hopes for your future than you playing 'knight in shining armor' to Miss Thang and her gaggle of kids at the tender age of 25. Looks as though your bride was desperately looking for someone to take care of her. And surprise surprise - just as your mother predicted, she turned out to be EXACTLY what you mother *didn't* want for you. You youngin's all think you know it all and your parents are insufferably stupid, but your mother clearly saw this train wreck coming from way back.

And stop falling on the sword like a fool for her, just because she had a 'ruff' upbringing. Big deal. A lot of people have had a tough childhood. That doesn't mean she gets to disrespect everyone in her life because of it. 

Admit to your mother she was right and that you made a colossal MISTAKE, because you DID. Then move on with your life.


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: Can I save it*



Lostme said:


> The I love you but not in love with you is usually code word for I found someone else. Friendzoning you is trying to keep you as plan B in case nothing else works out.
> 
> Speaking as a woman, when we say we are done we are done and there is no going back. After putting up with all the crap we can handle which for most takes us a very long time, there is no going back for us it is usually hard enough for us to make our decision.
> 
> You can see if she will go to marriage counseling with you, that will let you know if she is into saving the marriage or not.


And thats the scary part our relationship has been up and down for the most part..she's very good at using manipulation to get what she wants..every argument/disagreement ends with its over or I'm done...it shouldn't be that way but she made it a habit. Its not a good feeling at all..she wanted this marriage an manipulated me into this as well now I'm all in but I lost her..we were having issues with infidelity, trust, respect way before the marriage.. If I can recall we were broken up about a week or so we linked up to smoke an chill only..she accused me of staring at a female while she was in the store..she was upset an talking about going back to her hometown I told her I'd do anything to keep her here.. She said marry me tomorrow...and I did..we went to the court house and got married..we argued the entire way up there because I was missing work I told her we would do it tomorrow since I was off..she refused she said I got u here now so this is my chance...but like I said I'm all in the marriage now. I've always wanted to marry her just not under those terms now we are suffering big time...were kind of already in counseling..for my anger/marriage Once a week but with things going on we missed appointments..I have an appointment on the 4th I'll see if shes willing to go..


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: Can I save it*



Marc878 said:


> Check your phone bill


She has one of those straight talk phones... I dont think there is a phone she buys a card every month for it..her phone is always locked an volume turned down...I'm not the type to go thru her things because I hate when she do it to me...I have nothing to hide its just the fact of having privacy an trusting your partner wont steer you wrong... She doesn't trust me at all so she goes thru all of my things...she still goes thru my phone even thoe she claims its over smh


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: Can I save it*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> And there's good reason your mom 'hates' her.
> 
> I'm sure your mother had much higher hopes for your future than you playing 'knight in shining armor' to Miss Thang and her gaggle of kids at the tender age of 25. Looks as though your bride was desperately looking for someone to take care of her. And surprise surprise - just as your mother predicted, she turned out to be EXACTLY what you mother *didn't* want for you. You youngin's all think you know it all and your parents are insufferably stupid, but your mother clearly saw this train wreck coming from way back.
> 
> ...


Yeah my wife feels like my mom is too involved... Its my fault because I use to talk to my mom an tell her things about our relationship..she wants to see me Happy and not with her. She says when I have kids of my own I will understand where she's coming from with this...I do owe my mother an apology..I've been putting her off while dealing with this separation she's no longer in my corner since I want to continue to work on my relationship.


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: What does it mean*



Keke24 said:


> @Confused124 because she's a typical cake eater.
> 
> She doesn't want you but she also doesn't want anyone else to have you. She doesn't want you but she doesn't want you to be able to move on and find your own happiness. She won't let go until she no longer has any use for you in her life.
> 
> ...


Your right for the past week I was being used..I only stuck around like that because she told me she needed time to think about us getting back together..I took the time apart from her to see where our marriage was an wat could I personally do to make things different a start would be with myself working on my temper...talking to her instead of at her..actually listening to what she is trying to say or tell me rather than get frustrated an defensive. Once she made it clear that she has no intentions getting back together I let her know we could no longer hang out..I had to.. You asked what exactly am I trying to save... Well she only wants to end it because she's convinced herself that Im cheating on her. I'm trying to save it because that is not true at all...her insecurities an trust issues ruined us but if its over at least let it be over based on something I actually did.


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: What does it mean*



NoChoice said:


> OP,
> She is scared. You are her "parent figure" and therefore her security however, as with any adolescent mind, you also represent responsibility and she does not want any of that. She wants to be able to live the way she wants and yet have the security of an "adult" when she needs help. This condition is rampant and growing worse with each generation.
> 
> It really is not that confusing. Perhaps try this to help you understand; find a picture of her when she was somewhere between 8 and 12 years old. Each time you look at her imagine the face of that little girl and expect exactly what you would expect from a child of that age. You will then begin to realize that the mentality you are dealing with is not what it appears to be from the outside.


Spot on...your absolutely right..after reading that I started thinking she does pretty much drags her feet to get anything done thats important..it doesn't get done unless I put it into motion.. So in a sense she's not responsible an is still tryna use me for what she needs? Or what's she's been accustomed to? Is that it? I think she grew up too fast she was on her own since 16 pretty much...we still has a lot of growing to do..I'm 25 she's 28.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

*Re: What does it mean*



Confused124 said:


> Your right for the past week I was being used..I only stuck around like that because she told me she needed time to think about us getting back together..I took the time apart from her to see where our marriage was an wat could I personally do to make things different a start would be with myself working on my temper...talking to her instead of at her..actually listening to what she is trying to say or tell me rather than get frustrated an defensive. Once she made it clear that she has no intentions getting back together I let her know we could no longer hang out..I had to.. You asked what exactly am I trying to save... Well she only wants to end it because she's convinced herself that Im cheating on her. I'm trying to save it because that is not true at all...her insecurities an trust issues ruined us but if its over at least let it be over based on something I actually did.



What makes you think you can help her get over her insecurities if you get back with her? This woman is verbally abusive towards you. She needs professional help to deal with her issues, you yourself need some help to figure out how to establish boundaries. What are you proving by getting back into a dysfunctional relationship? It's only going to get worse because now she'll realize she can do/say anything to you and you'll still take her back.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: Can I save it*

Your wife has the volume turned down on her phone and it's locked.
Guards it.

Doesn't take a detective to know she's cheating.
Wake up.


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: Can I save it*



Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife has the volume turned down on her phone and it's locked.
> Guards it.
> 
> Doesn't take a detective to know she's cheating.
> Wake up.


I know that.....just hurts accepting the fact that its over..just want things to work


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: What does it mean*



Keke24 said:


> What makes you think you can help her get over her insecurities if you get back with her? This woman is verbally abusive towards you. She needs professional help to deal with her issues, you yourself need some help to figure out how to establish boundaries. What are you proving by getting back into a dysfunctional relationship? It's only going to get worse because now she'll realize she can do/say anything to you and you'll still take her back.


She already realizes that she can do or say whatever an I'll take her back..she hollers the same about me I disagree..she already had a 3 sum in our marriage..I was gone for a week at my moms just Clearing my head after I big fight she assumed I was cheating so she went an did her thing.. I stayed with her after that but never really healed from it..I admit I do have a lot of anger an old grudges against her that I'm willing to close out so my true feelings for her can show I don't like fighting an arguing with her all the time but I'm just constantly disappointed in the fact that I'm always being accused or lack the trust of my wife. I tend to shut down and stay mute which causes her to feel lonely..or the biggest thing not telling her she's beautiful everyday..I had my reasons for not doing those..I was mad at her...she wanted me to love her thru the flaws an I didnt. Def making up for that now..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: What does it mean*

Maybe she's projecting and blaming you for cheating when she's the one who's cheating. A common tactic among cheaters. 

Don't try to be her friend. That's just another way for her to continue to use you. Move on.


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> What is the cause of her insecurity? What makes her think you're cheating?
> 
> ILYBINILWY is a death sentence. Your marriage is potentially already toast. Why is she "not in love with you" anymore?


I had to make a new account Confused124 but I will reply to these.... Could use help on my other posts as well thanks..what is causing her insecurities..idk she's been like that throughout our entire relationship.. The very first incident she moved in with me after 3 months of dating..I know I know. It felt like we were together for years already.. Long story short I had a female friend that I been talking to since 2009..I've never met the girl in person but you know how online flirting go well thats what it was back then..by 2015 I was still talking to her but just as friend she's a good listener just someone I can chat with nothing inappropriate. Okay my wife (gf at the time) moved in.. my friend(Jess) would call me like any other time I stopped answering her calls because my girl now lived with me..I would text Jess at work an tell her my situation she still wanted to call because it was nothing more than friends.. I blocked her she kept calling private an M(wife) started the whole trust issue thing..if thats it..throughout our relationship I would talk To jess if me an M was on a "break".. Since we got married I have stopped all communication between me and Jess but my wife still holds on to that..an that situation was way before we got married..I haven't physically/emotionally been with anyone besides my wife. As far as cheating I don't know why she thinks that maybe because of her own guilt. Your question was why isn't she in love anymore..my guess is because of the contact fighting and arguing.. Because of me withholding emotion an affection towards her when I'm mad..or simply lashing out in frustration.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So far you have opened two accounts and created 3 threads in the matter of 2 days.

I'm going to ban your other account and merge all of your threads into on thread. Please stick to one thread, you will get better input with only one thread.

And do not create any more accounts. We ban people around here for making multiple accounts.


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## JO79 (Apr 20, 2017)

This is my first post here FYI... Flip a switch, dude. Go dark. Refusing to be friends a good start. Distance yourself. Throw away her security blanket. If she is aggressive in her nature, she may decide to attack you on social media. Deactivate that mess. And she is 100% checking up on you with social media too (even my passive WAW did this). They are her kids, right? Not yours? More the reason to go dark as possible and move on. You don't love those kids like your own, because they aren't yours. Don't let her rope you in with her kids. If you think she might start drama at your work, let your boss know that in advance. 

She's probably cheating. it's probably going nowhere and she knows that. But she can't stop. She's selfish and a cake eater. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

sokillme said:


> If you haven't been cheating but have been verbally abusive to her (you say you lash out) then the first thing to do is really sincerely apologize, and in a way that demonstrates that you are going to change that forever. There is a way to argue without attacking the person. This is big thing in relationships. You need to learn to do this. For any relationship you have. Attacking your partner is going to ruin your relationship. You need to learn strategies to fight without insulting and yelling. It can be done and it actually is much more effective.
> 
> That will be your only way back.
> 
> ...


Yes I admit I have verbally abused her I dont take it to the extent of her tho..I'll call her stupid or insecure just in defense to the accusations but what I really wanna do is let her know that she can trust me an I wont hurt her..she doesn't believe in me so I come back with that not the best move I know but I'm 25 I still have alot of growing to do so does she at 28..I've already apologized to her for not keeping my promise in the marriage making her feel Safe, Happy and loved at all times...she accepted my apology.. But everything else she is not trying to hear. I told her I had time to see how I was treating her the biggest issue was me not telling her she was beautiful..I regret it everyday because she is in fact beautiful but I wouldn't say it because her inside didnt match her outside anymore.. She talked to me any kind of way she always kicked me our as you can see now.. I mean throwing my stuff outside at 4 am leaving me out there posting pics of me an my belongings on fb I had no phone my mom say it an came and got me smh..she posted her affair on social media came to my job the following week an asked me to come back home...sad to say I did...I really love this girl but I'm tired of looking stupid..We do go to counseling.. Well its more so for me an my anger but she attends the sessions as well an they counsel us together... Havent been in awhile but I have an appointment on the 4th I'll ask if she wants to Go...oh thats right she's not talking to Me anymore because I wanted her to apologize for disrespecting me..she refused and told me to never contact her lol..smh


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

bankshot1993 said:


> ILYBINILWY + I'm moving on with my life usually means she already has moved on to a new partner.
> 
> The lashing out and being suspicious of you cheating is usually done by cheaters when they are in an affair, its called projecting.
> 
> Theres a couple red flags here, just sayin'.


Yeah all the signs are there...but if she's moving on with her life why is she still calling me to come over, eat dinner, take her places and more? I had to make another account but please check my other post its an update on the weekend..like I said she claims she's done but still gets mad If she thinks I'm on fb talking to other girls.. I simply gave her my password..I have nothing to hide an if I'm trying to win her back why would I be talking to anyone else ?? Ugh this is why I lash out she just has no common sense..


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## JO79 (Apr 20, 2017)

Confused124 said:


> Yeah all the signs are there...but if she's moving on with her life why is she still calling me to come over, eat dinner, take her places and more? I had to make another account but please check my other post its an update on the weekend..like I said she claims she's done but still gets mad If she thinks I'm on fb talking to other girls.. I simply gave her my password..I have nothing to hide an if I'm trying to win her back why would I be talking to anyone else ?? Ugh this is why I lash out she just has no common sense..




Dude... change your password NOW!! You are not in reconciliation. You owe her nothing. Change your password and deactivate that account right now!! Change all the subsequent passwords that could re-enable the account like your email and so forth. 

That's ridiculous. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> The bolded parts are huge red flags. I love you but not in love with you tends to mean there is someone else already in the picture -- maybe NOT an actual Physical Affair (PA), but usually at LEAST and EA (Emotional Affair). You need to check into her cell phone records and see if there are any unusual texts, numbers you don't recognize, etc.
> 
> Also the fact that she is accusing YOU of cheating is a projection -- cheaters tend to think that their own partners are cheating -- REALLY need to look into this. There is a post that has things to check if you are guessing there is cheating going on (I'm sure someone can post it here -- I don't have the reference handy). Also Weightlifter has a post about what to check on and how to gather evidence. You really need to check into this just to rule out that SHE is already cheating...
> 
> VERY sorry you are here.


Had to make a new page can you check out my other posts just an update on how things are going...I know she's done I just can't understand why. I've forgiven a lot no matter how bad it hurt cheating etc..and now I just have to accept the fact that I lost my wife because of a temper...just not understanding how she can act like I never meant anything to her.. I mean her kids call me dad..I was changing diapers making bottles all of that when I didnt have to! Her son wasn't even talking an barely stubbing around...he's 4 now he loves me we do everything together..how doesn't that mean anything to her? Cannot wrap my head around this..the whole accusing me thing didnt start until she went to jail(multiple times) but this last time a few weeks ago caused this this...along with our history I'm sure...but her baby daddy shows up unannounced to drop kids off..he's yelling at my wife telling her not to smoke in the house etc..he ends up calling cops saying theirs drug activity in the house..cops come she basically had a warrant for threatening our old neighbors..they arrested her she was in their for 4 hours. I was on the phone with her baby daddy for 3 hours and he was pretty much filing me in saying while she was staying there (when we were homeless few months ago) at his house they pretty much was together or she acted like it in order to get the tax money from him...my taxes got rejected because baby daddy claimed the kids..once she got the money she got our place an we moved in...3 weeks into us living there an this happened.. So as I was saying I'm on the phone with him just taking it all in...I had the neighbors run me by the store to get the kids something to eat...wife comes home I already told her I know about Malcolm.. She then flips everything on me an say I was wrong for getting in a car with a female even tho I was feeding her kids..she now think I slept with the neighbor based on how I felt when her baby daddy told me this...she's crazy!!!! BTW both of them are putting it on their kids that the other is lying..thats wrong


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife IS having a physical affair. She no longer loves you and has told you so.
> 
> You have no choice but to divorce and move on.
> Bad news: that's not what you want.
> ...


Hurts facing the truth 😕


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Yep, and not only that, but when you go through the time and agony to process what has happened you will probably be like the rest of us and will realize you wouldn't want her back anyway.


I've never felt or experienced any pain like this before... Honestly don't even know how to be I'm just here...I feel really played and low. I know she's no good for me I just don't know how to handle this I wasn't ready to end it


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Would you say that one of your "goals" in life is to put a smile on her face?
> 
> Be honest.


Had to make another account sorry....but yes as of now one of my goals would be to put a smile on her face...she said I should've done it when I had her...she's extremely cold towards me


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: What does it mean*



Openminded said:


> Maybe she's projecting and blaming you for cheating when she's the one who's cheating. A common tactic among cheaters.
> 
> Don't try to be her friend. That's just another way for her to continue to use you. Move on.


So if thats a common tactic...then she's been cheating the entire time because she sure was accusing the Entire time! Yes I agree I told her we can't be friends she was quite alright with that at first but is making it hard still asking me to come over she knows I want to but I gotta be strong about this she wanted it over right


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> So far you have opened two accounts and created 3 threads in the matter of 2 days.
> 
> I'm going to ban your other account and merge all of your threads into on thread. Please stick to one thread, you will get better input with only one thread.
> 
> And do not create any more accounts. We ban people around here for making multiple accounts.


Okay sorry about that I just could not get into the other one... Won't happen again..Thanks for helping me merge the accounts


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

JO79 said:


> This is my first post here FYI... Flip a switch, dude. Go dark. Refusing to be friends a good start. Distance yourself. Throw away her security blanket. If she is aggressive in her nature, she may decide to attack you on social media. Deactivate that mess. And she is 100% checking up on you with social media too (even my passive WAW did this). They are her kids, right? Not yours? More the reason to go dark as possible and move on. You don't love those kids like your own, because they aren't yours. Don't let her rope you in with her kids. If you think she might start drama at your work, let your boss know that in advance.
> 
> She's probably cheating. it's probably going nowhere and she knows that. But she can't stop. She's selfish and a cake eater.
> 
> ...


Yeah maybe that's not such a bad idea..she's already shown that at this point she's doing nothing but using me..im staying away from fb for awhile anytime I'm active she writes me saying "lol" again If she's moving on then why does she care I'm done explaining myself to her since she is not all in....an right the kids are hers but I've been around them taking care of them an teaching them for 3 years consistently. Its just hard...Work?? She already got me fired from the last 4 jobs I had.. The main job when I first met her is my biggest lost..I've lost my car and a house several jobs behind her its time to get my life on track instead of chasing her...just accepting all of this is a bit difficult


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

JO79 said:


> Dude... change your password NOW!! You are not in reconciliation. You owe her nothing. Change your password and deactivate that account right now!! Change all the subsequent passwords that could re-enable the account like your email and so forth.
> 
> That's ridiculous.
> 
> ...


Done...that was the wrong move. .was just tryna get her to see that she can trust me...I changed the password haven't been in contact with her since early yesterday..lol big step for me tho we use to talk all day regardless of the separation


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know what happened to the Ostrich that buried his head in the sand? A wolf in sheeps clothing came bye and ate his Testicles. 

He now sings soprano in a choir.

Don't be that ostrich


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## JO79 (Apr 20, 2017)

Confused124 said:


> Yeah maybe that's not such a bad idea..she's already shown that at this point she's doing nothing but using me..im staying away from fb for awhile anytime I'm active she writes me saying "lol" again If she's moving on then why does she care I'm done explaining myself to her since she is not all in....an right the kids are hers but I've been around them taking care of them an teaching them for 3 years consistently. Its just hard...Work?? She already got me fired from the last 4 jobs I had.. The main job when I first met her is my biggest lost..I've lost my car and a house several jobs behind her its time to get my life on track instead of chasing her...just accepting all of this is a bit difficult




OMG, Dude. NO. NO NO NO. 

Do Not "Stay Away from Facebook". Get off there NOW! NOW!!!! Detach!! Turn FB OFF!!! She has cost you 4 jobs?!?? NO!! That is NOT OK!! IDC if you're teach her kids to read for the first time!! RUN!!!! GO DARK NOW!!!!! NOW!!! SHE'S CRAZY!!!! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

JO79 said:


> OMG, Dude. NO. NO NO NO.
> 
> Do Not "Stay Away from Facebook". Get off there NOW! NOW!!!! Detach!! Turn FB OFF!!! She has cost you 4 jobs?!?? NO!! That is NOT OK!! IDC if you're teach her kids to read for the first time!! RUN!!!! GO DARK NOW!!!!! NOW!!! SHE'S CRAZY!!!!
> 
> ...


I'm glad I'm not the only who sees this behavior as crazy.. Fb is now deactivated..I have orientation Tuesday so thats a plus...just filed my taxes..got a hair cut ..just doing things for me...its a start..


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

Lmao...think its way past that don't you...


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## JO79 (Apr 20, 2017)

Confused124 said:


> I'm glad I'm not the only who sees this behavior as crazy.. Fb is now deactivated..I have orientation Tuesday so thats a plus...just filed my taxes..got a hair cut ..just doing things for me...its a start..




GOOD!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

Go for a run in the morning at the park!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

JO79 said:


> GOOD!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!
> 
> Go for a run in the morning at the park!!
> 
> ...


Went for a run this morning...i felt Amazing afterwards...was In the shower reflecting an bam she texts me saying "I know your mad but I need your help today"...not even an apology smh...dont know exactly how to respond if at all..she obviously has no one in her corner to help her. She was just totally fine with us no longer being friends now this...she has to be out of the apt by tomorrow again I mentioned earlier she drags her feet about doing anything important


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## JO79 (Apr 20, 2017)

Confused124 said:


> Went for a run this morning...i felt Amazing afterwards...was In the shower reflecting an bam she texts me saying "I know your mad but I need your help today"...not even an apology smh...dont know exactly how to respond if at all..she obviously has no one in her corner to help her. She was just totally fine with us no longer being friends now this...she has to be out of the apt by tomorrow again I mentioned earlier she drags her feet about doing anything important




She's probably testing your tolerances and trying to eat some more cake. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

JO79 said:


> She's probably testing your tolerances and trying to eat some more cake.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Lol nice way of putting it..I didnt reply...I feel bad thoe...I know she could use the help she gotta be out by tomorrow an has packed up Nothing...She also has no family here which makes me feel even worse....I gotta smoke my head is all messed up


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: What does it mean*



SunCMars said:


> Good One!
> 
> The child or the teen is in all of us.
> 
> ...


Managed to not be in contact with her at all yesterday...however she hit me up early this morning still no apology but asking if I can help her move she hasnt started yet an needs to be out tomorrow..she also wants to me to go with her to find a new place.. She already made it clear that we aren't getting back together so why still call me for this kind of stuff.. Done is done. But I feel bad because she has no family here to help her an at the end of the day I do still Care about her just dont wanna be stupid


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She lives with demons in her head.

She shares control...when the demons sleep, she takes over, she asks for help.

Does she use drugs?

You cannot fix crazy. 

And yes, she is using you. She has no one else. Other men will bed her; they will not carry her hallucinogenic-water. 

You can wield a screw driver, resetting the sharp heads when they poke up above the surface. She knows this.

Other men? They do not carry a screw driver. They carry a dull awl. Good for poking....nothing else.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Confused124 said:


> I had to make a new account Confused124 but I will reply to these.... Could use help on my other posts as well thanks..what is causing her insecurities..idk she's been like that throughout our entire relationship.. The very first incident she moved in with me after 3 months of dating..I know I know. It felt like we were together for years already.. Long story short I had a female friend that I been talking to since 2009..I've never met the girl in person but you know how online flirting go well thats what it was back then..by 2015 I was still talking to her but just as friend she's a good listener just someone I can chat with nothing inappropriate. Okay my wife (gf at the time) moved in.. my friend(Jess) would call me like any other time I stopped answering her calls because my girl now lived with me..I would text Jess at work an tell her my situation she still wanted to call because it was nothing more than friends.. I blocked her she kept calling private an M(wife) started the whole trust issue thing..if thats it..throughout our relationship I would talk To jess if me an M was on a "break".. Since we got married I have stopped all communication between me and Jess but my wife still holds on to that..an that situation was way before we got married..I haven't physically/emotionally been with anyone besides my wife. As far as cheating I don't know why she thinks that maybe because of her own guilt. Your question was why isn't she in love anymore..my guess is because of the contact fighting and arguing.. Because of me withholding emotion an affection towards her when I'm mad..or simply lashing out in frustration.


Personal opinion, but I think that opposite sex friendships need to be very carefully controlled in a marriage. Just my thoughts.

That said, I think you married for all the wrong reasons. Even the Catholic Church would give you an annulment most likely. Your W has cheated on you, doesn't trust you, treats you bad, and you just take it. She freaks out at the thought of you looking at another woman. I would divorce. And I want to be clear that I'm usually the person advocating for people to stay in their marriage and work things out. You weren't married, you were coerced. Then your wife violated the marital vows. She's acting shady enough that it would appear that she's continuing to violate them. 

Why do you think you put up with this treatment? Tell me about your childhood... was your mother a single mother?


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

Kivlor said:


> Personal opinion, but I think that opposite sex friendships need to be very carefully controlled in a marriage. Just my thoughts.
> 
> That said, I think you married for all the wrong reasons. Even the Catholic Church would give you an annulment most likely. Your W has cheated on you, doesn't trust you, treats you bad, and you just take it. She freaks out at the thought of you looking at another woman. I would divorce. And I want to be clear that I'm usually the person advocating for people to stay in their marriage and work things out. You weren't married, you were coerced. Then your wife violated the marital vows. She's acting shady enough that it would appear that she's continuing to violate them.
> 
> Why do you think you put up with this treatment? Tell me about your childhood... was your mother a single mother?


Yeah at first it felt kind of..well forced..rushed? Dont get me wrong I love my wife I wanted to marry her but we just wasn't ready especially since we were already having issues.. She promised me getting married would stop her insecurities..also the way we got married says it all. We were broken up for about 2 or 3 weeks doing our own thing. We linked up to smoke..she was in the store an I was in the car an a lady walked by I glanced an that was it she went off...she insisted she was moving to her hometown I did everything to stop her from leaving she said well marry Me I said okay an the next morning we went to the court house......why do I put up with this treatment,? My wife is a very attractive girl everyone wants her an she has "that" rep..most of her friends are guys like maybe one female an she's more like an associate really...my childhood.. My mother was a single mom with the help of my grandma..she had me at 16..she left Me for awhile with my grandma an went to the army.. I was the only child until I was 16 smh..lol moved to Germany senior year 2009 went to navy in 2010-2012.. 25 and lost as of 2017 lol


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> She lives with demons in her head.
> 
> She shares control...when the demons sleep, she takes over, she asks for help.
> 
> ...


Your not the first person thats said that about her..I do believe something is going on with her that has nothing to do with me..she had a bad child hood was on her own at the age 16..but she also disrespects her mother...calls her out her name.. Anybody for that matter..she's cussed my mom before too..for the first time I'm starting to think just maybe I'm not the problem not saying I'm perfect but now I know it isn't all my fault as she tries to make it seem.. Our therapist serms to think she has the narcissistic personality disorder.. Does she do drugs...not hard core just Mary jane...but she does it allllll day...smoke and clean..bad case of ocd too..


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## Confused124 (Apr 21, 2017)

*Re: What does it mean*



Confused124 said:


> Managed to not be in contact with her at all yesterday...however she hit me up early this morning still no apology but asking if I can help her move she hasnt started yet an needs to be out tomorrow..she also wants to me to go with her to find a new place.. She already made it clear that we aren't getting back together so why still call me for this kind of stuff.. Done is done. But I feel bad because she has no family here to help her an at the end of the day I do still Care about her just dont wanna be stupid


Im a sucker for love..I didnt stick to my guns an block her out...I knew she really needed me today. She hit me up early this morning asking if I could help her..she knew she had to be out but hasn't even started packing yet...I talked to our landlord he gave us(her) 10 more days..here's the kicker...we get back to the apt she asks me for a favor...I asked her what is it...she says "can you make me c*m...I thought I was hearing things I asked her to repeat that...I Gave her what she wanted an it actually felt like I had my wife back..we smoked an packed everything was fine i was goin to stay the night with her..things changed when I mentioned what I heard about her ..she then went back to prior accusations from Saturday an started accusin me all over again..I told her I'm still willing to be here an help her but she cant respect me enough to stop the accusations when I'm asking her to...like come on she can really believe her accusations I'm showing her I'm willing to be here if she let me..long story short we continue to exchange words now she's saying she knows why she's content with being apart..wtf I think my heart just exploded...nows she's texting me...trying to get me to come back...wanting to smoke an stay the night...Ignored those...but now she hit me with a "round 2 &#55357;&#56841;" I replied. .otw &#55357;&#56859;..be back guys...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, that Mary Jane.

She is weak. She can do no harm.

Her skinny arms can pummel to no extent. She is weak.

She can do no harm.

Haack, unngh..

What is the question? Why is it so warm in here? What did you say? I hate you?


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Confused124 said:


> Yeah at first it felt kind of..well forced..rushed? Dont get me wrong I love my wife I wanted to marry her but we just wasn't ready especially since we were already having issues.. She promised me getting married would stop her insecurities..also the way we got married says it all. We were broken up for about 2 or 3 weeks doing our own thing. We linked up to smoke..she was in the store an I was in the car an a lady walked by I glanced an that was it she went off...she insisted she was moving to her hometown I did everything to stop her from leaving she said well marry Me I said okay an the next morning we went to the court house......why do I put up with this treatment,? My wife is a very attractive girl everyone wants her an she has "that" rep..most of her friends are guys like maybe one female an she's more like an associate really...my childhood.. My mother was a single mom with the help of my grandma..she had me at 16..she left Me for awhile with my grandma an went to the army.. I was the only child until I was 16 smh..lol moved to Germany senior year 2009 went to navy in 2010-2012.. 25 and lost as of 2017 lol


What do you mean by "that" rep? She gets around? Why are you married to someone like that? Just a thought, but perhaps you should be willing to give up a little in the attractiveness area in order to get someone less crazy and more loyal?

So, about your childhood... Definitely figured you came from a single parent household. What did your mother tell you to look for in a wife? What did she tell you women are looking for in a man?


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