# Move back in with separated wife?



## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

My wife and I have been separated for six months and also living apart. She suggested we move in together to share financials and for the benefit of our two children 9 and 7. I went into Rehab six months ago and she told me while I was in treatment that when I got out we would have separate lives. I came out of treatment with a new outlook on life and new character traits that have not been apparent for too many years. We have been married for 15 years and together for 17. The last few months have been amazing, we are together as a family almost everyweekend, but I leave at the end of the night. She has been fairly consistent about us being headed for divorce sometime in the future, i do not press the issue, only focus on today and being the kind of man I am supposed to be to my family. I made plenty of mistakes in the past but wonder is it wrong to move back in with my wife and children? It feels so natural for me but wonder if I am givingmyself false hope of getting back together with my wife. We now do things together as a family that I did not do for years. We are also planning a christmas vacation with all of us together. Very confusing, but I do not put forth an ultimatum or ask are we going to get back together. She has said she is not in love with me anymore after years of neglect and me being lazy. What do you think anyone?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I think that someone who asks another person to move in with them is making a very strong bid for emotional connection


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I think that someone who asks another person to move in with them is making a very strong bid for emotional connection


I think this is correct but you need to clear the air with your wife. 
Ask her if her request does indicate she's changing her mind about divorce because if she's really asking you to move back for only economic reasons and she still intends divorce you will be doing your kids a major disservice if you move back in only to move back out again when divorced.
It will be far too confusing for the kids and probably make the trauma Of divorce even worse for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

I agree Tacoma. One big challenge I used to face is having a problem with controlling the future when it has not happened yet. My hope is that by being part of a family again but not smothering her and being a strong man of character, things can change. I only get to see my kids a few times during the week since I work and do not live with them. We have talked about the move and it is going to be for at least a year, dont you think alot can change in a year? We are getting along better than we have in years and she is starting to become more friendly and caring towards me. I do hope the trend continues


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Its good to do that as long as there are clear ground rules. You can have the conversation without expectation of reconciliation but what if she decides to go on a date with someone? How would you react to that?

If you are both clear on guidelines and expectations then there is opportunity for it to go well.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with Tacoma ... But another reason you need to have this discussion with your wife is to protect yourself. 

Long term, living together but separate is not the answer. If there is no future for the two of you as a couple, then you should stay living apart and arrange your finances accordingly. 

You only have one life and you deserve to be able to share it with someone. 

Congratulations on the rehab!


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## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

thanks for the replies. We have spoken about dating and agreed it is not going to happen anytime soon. Too much to work on right now for our relationship and family. In the past I have always wanted to know everything right now, even if it is bad. Our life is going so much smoother when i let life happen as it comes. Today this is not a long term solution but things have been changing for the better on a weekly and daily basis and I feel if I push the issue to know now, it will get me the same results I have always gotten in my past.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I wouldn't consider moving back in with a spouse who said effectively, "it's over". Unless there was some committment on her part to work on the relationship. Without that you're getting into close quarters which will confuse you both and cause problems without being on the same page. I get the feeling you are looking for a shot to woo her again and start being a couple. She likely isn't and only wants the kids to stop being so sad when you leave. This is about her getting something without giving back. You really shouldn't go there even though you want to.

GearHead


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Do you think going back to that life will make you relapse?


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## dvejones (Oct 24, 2011)

it does seem like I have unrealistic hope for getting back. It is better for my wife and kids for all of us to live together, it is hard for me but I am trying not to be selfish like I have in the past. Sometimes I try too hard to my own detriment. Advice here does seem to say that moving back with wife is not a good idea for me, better for her but not me
It will not push me to relapse, I am not going back again, it feels too good now and great things are happening. I guess just wishing for more as usual!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

dvejones said:


> being a strong man of character


This usually works well for those who really do it


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

dvejones said:


> it does seem like I have unrealistic hope for getting back. It is better for my wife and kids for all of us to live together, it is hard for me but I am trying not to be selfish like I have in the past. Sometimes I try too hard to my own detriment. Advice here does seem to say that moving back with wife is not a good idea for me, better for her but not me
> It will not push me to relapse, I am not going back again, it feels too good now and great things are happening. I guess just wishing for more as usual!


Ok, I know I'm in the minority here, BUT, what in the world is there to consider? Here is an opportunity to serve your family. You said you we're neglectful and lazy before. This is the time to show who you are and who you are becoming. Get your butt home and be an everyday dad to your kids for a while. Be friends with your wife and let that naturally take it's course. You only get ONE chance to live today. Be there for those babies right now. As that connection grows, I suspect a certain other connection will develop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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