# My Husband Keeps Making Mistakes



## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

My marriage is very rocky, because there is just an overall lack of trust between us at the moment and my husband seems to lack critical thinking skills/common sense in our everyday life. I am constantly having to go behind him to mend or do stuff to make sure things do not go wrong. Please note that this is not a trying to nag or be dominate. It is correcting course on his mistakes where stuff could go terribly wrong. 

An example is that he was putting paper towels on the hot glass cooktop stove near a burner that was on. In his mind, he ran out of counter space from all his cooking efforts and so he decided to place the paper towels on the stove to set a pot on it. That is a real fire hazard and I didn't understand why he didn't realize that was. If I didnt catch it and act on it...that could have led to a major fire. At another time, he left the stove on with something (I forgot) that he was cooking and he left it on overnight, because he fell asleep. I woke up, saw it just about super burned, and turned it off. 

I literally don't trust him driving, because he has a hard time with it. Every time he gets behind the wheel (no exaggeration), we are close to being in an accident. He is just not fully aware of others on the road and/or making critical/split-second decisions. It is to a point where I will not let him drive by himself with our infant son in the car. It scares me just thinking about him driving with our son. 

These are a couple examples of many other examples where his critical thinking skills are just off. It affects the relationship, because he gets mad and frustrated when I try to gently tell him about what happened and how it could have went terribly wrong. I know he is trying hard to contribute as a partner and father; however, my anxiety is high around him because I am discovering that he just doesn't have great critical thinking skills outside of work. 

I know that I married him and had a baby with him. I guess I just want to know ways in which I can build the trust back knowing that he is constantly making these type of mistakes.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I think there is something more deep rooted to it, if he's not attentive or has cognitive problems, because it does seem like a perception problem you might have to go to a behavior psychologist to understand why that is happening. Presumably you've told him about the risks associated with such behavior and he's still not able to modify his behavior, either he's just generally careless(which I don't think is the reason since you're clear he's functional at work-what does he do btw?) or there is something more to it.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

redmarshall said:


> I think there is something more deep rooted to it, if he's not attentive or has cognitive problems, because it does seem like a perception problem you might have to go to a behavior psychologist to understand why that is happening. Presumably you've told him about the risks associated with such behavior and he's still not able to modify his behavior, either he's just generally careless(which I don't think is the reason since you're clear he's functional at work-what does he do btw?) or there is something more to it.


He is actually in the banking industry as a processor. He is very good at it too; so, I am not sure why there is a disconnect between his personal & professional life. However, he does mention that he struggles despite doing well.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Then maybe its a question of keep himself attentive and focused. Being methodical is one thing, that resulting in a potential fire hazard, quite another, I think its fair that he should get evaluated, because its not intentional, but his functionality seems to suffer.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is this a new thing, or has he been this way for years.
if it is a new thing, i would get him to a neurologist.

how old is he? old farts (like me) do forget things--like put a pot of water to boil on the stove, forget it, and go do some project in the basement....to find the pot is nearly melted when i come up to the kitchen again. I, personally, deal with it by NOT doing stupid ****....i do not put a pot on the stove and then leave the room unless is is some slow cooking meal and the burner is way down....if the burner is on full i just do not leave the room. 

Another example. i kept losing my keys and wallet in the house. so i made a hanging space for the keys and a place on the counter for my wallet. they go there. no place else. if i find my keys in an odd place, like in my pants i took off 2 hours ago, i chide myself and hang them where they belong.

so maybe the solution is coping mechanisms for his forgetful behavior. rules that can not be broken, even for a short moment.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I looked at your other threads.

Some people have the aptitude and ability to become engineers, computer programmers, accountants, surgeons, public speakers, CEOs, dancers, artists, etc., and some just do not. 

Some people have common sense and some do not. Your husband falls in the do not category. 

You could try and make me into an engineer or an artist, but it would be a struggle and I would not be ultra successful. 

If your husband hasn't picked up life common sense by now he just doesn't have the mental bandwidth. This is who he is, and like you said, you chose to marry him and have a child with him anyway.

Some people may post and try to suggest he has ADD. I've known adults with ADD and while they may struggle to stay on task, complete projects, none of them lacked common safety sense unless they deliberately decided to take a risk about some activity.

You can't build trust with your husband. He lacks common sense so you can't trust him to have good sense and be safe.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I would have some cognitive testing done. There is more to this then just mistakes. It's about safety


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sounds to me like you are a controlling nag who has to have everything done your way. You're acting like his mother and not a loving wife. Lay off of the guy.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> I would have some cognitive testing done. There is more to this then just mistakes. It's about safety


He might be autistic.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Sounds to me like you are a controlling nag who has to have everything done your way. You're acting like his mother and not a loving wife. Lay off of the guy.


Are you kidding? He almost burned the house down TWICE. Somebody around him has to be vigilant before he kills himself or the family. She's not saying put the paper towels in this exact spot -- which would be controlling. She is saying don't put combustible paper on a heat source. That is common sense, which he seems to be missing.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> Are you kidding? He almost burned the house down TWICE. Somebody around him has to be vigilant before he kills himself or the family. She's not saying put the paper towels in this exact spot -- which would be controlling. She is saying don't put combustible paper on a heat source. That is common sense, which he seems to be missing.


That's HER story. We don't really know what reality is. Plus, I've seen this before in controlling spouses. They exaggerate the danger to justify their actions. So people are just so anal retentive that everything has to be done just a certain way or they freak out. I'm just saying that maybe she needs to take a good long look at herself.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Anal retentive & controlling are bad. But assuming what she is saying is true. ... that he's creating fire hazards -- I stand by my initial response that getting him some cognitive testing may be in order.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diceplayer said:


> That's HER story. We don't really know what reality is. Plus, I've seen this before in controlling spouses. They exaggerate the danger to justify their actions. So people are just so anal retentive that everything has to be done just a certain way or they freak out. I'm just saying that maybe she needs to take a good long look at herself.


No normally competent adult does the stupid **** this guy does. Look at her other threads.

I think the better issue is, why did OP go ahead and marry him and have a child with such a man?

He's not going to change.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

tsweet06 said:


> My marriage is very rocky, because there is just an overall lack of trust between us at the moment and my husband seems to lack critical thinking skills/common sense in our everyday life. I am constantly having to go behind him to mend or do stuff to make sure things do not go wrong. Please note that this is not a trying to nag or be dominate. It is correcting course on his mistakes where stuff could go terribly wrong.
> 
> An example is that he was putting paper towels on the hot glass cooktop stove near a burner that was on. In his mind, he ran out of counter space from all his cooking efforts and so he decided to place the paper towels on the stove to set a pot on it. That is a real fire hazard and I didn't understand why he didn't realize that was. If I didnt catch it and act on it...that could have led to a major fire. At another time, he left the stove on with something (I forgot) that he was cooking and he left it on overnight, because he fell asleep. I woke up, saw it just about super burned, and turned it off.
> 
> ...


My father is like your husband. 
My father is a high functioning autistic. It's also known as Aspergers.
I have it as well, though I've had my behind kicked enough by those who don't understand that I was able to adapt in small ways. 
One of the characteristics of high functioning autism is a seemingly inability to change from set ways.
The fact that he's a genius with banking numbers would lend credence to that suspicion. 
What you need to do is get him tested cognitively. From there, you can guidance from a counselor specialist as to how to deal with it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I've posted before about some of our neighbors, the ones whose children play chicken with cars coming down the street. Before she quit to stay home and homeschool her daughter, she was some kind of math professor (I'm horrible with math, she told me specifically what math it was and I don't remember), and he is an engineer. He has the social skills of an eyeless potato, but works with a friend's husband and is apparently a brilliant engineer. These people, honestly, thank goodness we don't have bears or other large predators, they don't have the sense of a goose and would be picked off. But they're nice people and I can tell you for sure, she may be a dingbat but she is WAY more intelligent than I am academically. The point is, there are different kinds of smart. 

If this has been the way he's been since you married him, as you say, you knew who he was when you married him. These behaviors are probably standing out more because you have children and 1. safety is a bigger issue because it's dangerous for them too and 2. you can see how his lack of common sense is very like the lack of common sense you see in children. If you're trying to talk to him carefully about it and being kind and he's being defensive, that's actually a pretty typical response, especially from someone who is very smart. No one likes being corrected, especially when they are wrong. The one guarantee is, no one can grow a new part of their brain, and it is impossible to nag/correct/admonish someone into to growing a new part of their brain. He isn't doing this on purpose, so being angry with him is pointless. He can't help it and it doesn't sound like he's changed, it's just there's more at stake now. 

A professional evaluation would probably be your best move, because then he could talk to a doctor about it and get some ideas for himself about how to be more aware. It's a safety issue for the children. And for you, well, you have to decide what you can live with. You've not said he's a bad husband, and you've not said that he has changed since your marriage. This is you changing, not him. So you have to decide what you want to do: deal with it or leave him. No one can really make that decision for you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

My son is extremely intelligent, but he doesn't have a lot of common sense.

He's 13, and he almost burned down his grandma's house trying to make microwave Mac and cheese without water. 🤦

He makes mistakes all the time. I worry sometimes, but I know I have to let him learn on his own.

I think everyone makes common sense mistakes. I've burned things on the stove too. 

How does he go to work? Doesn't he drive to get to work? Does he make mistakes at work too? What does his family say about him? Has he ever lived on his own? 

I'm not sure if you should worry. Everyone is different. But if he's got a disability, would you divorce him because of it?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This is why I believe hypergamy is real. Successful banker's marriage is on the rocks because he's a bit airheaded.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This reminds me of a 360 management feedback session I was in where one guy scored poorly on “intellectual horsepower”. He said, “oh how do I improve that?” The guy running the class is like, “you don’t want to score bad at that one”.

Maybe all is not lost I haven’t read the other threads from the OP but if it’s just carelessness maybe working with a psychiatrist might be helpful?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I can only go by the information you provided. But this describes my mother in law during the last year of her life. And I am one of those who loved my mother in law as she was a unique and talented lady. She actually had a custom built Hobbit door in her house like Lord of the Rings.

But anyway, she started suffering cognitive decline just like you are describing. Everyone noticed she was off including herself. She would make doctors appointments just to later forget why she made them. She was only 60 or as she said Sexty lol. She suddenly collapsed one day and instantly passed away alone in her home. We know it was instant because the coroner said she didn't even attempt to break the fall.

A private autopsy was done since no foul play was suspected. It turns out she had a partial blood clot that was partially cutting off blood to the brain. The clot broke free and that was it. The doctor said its common in people who just suddenly drop and she said the cognitive decline fits the partial blood blockage to the brain. 

I am not a doctor and not saying this is his problem. But what you are describing is not just oops, I forgot. It really sounds like a visit to a neurologist is needed.

I would really recommend backing off on getting upset over mistakes and focus instead on having him checked out medically.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> That's HER story. We don't really know what reality is. Plus, I've seen this before in controlling spouses. They exaggerate the danger to justify their actions. So people are just so anal retentive that everything has to be done just a certain way or they freak out. I'm just saying that maybe she needs to take a good long look at herself.


I agree that you should check your own behavior before you point out others' behaviors; however, these events actually happened. It is not a story. I'm reaching out to exercise a level of care and concern (versus blame & shame) to my husband when I bring these matters up. This is why I come to this forum to make sure that I'm not behaving in a way that would harm his feelings and efforts. I love my husband, but his possible carelessness or lack of common sense can have some very dire consequences.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> is this a new thing, or has he been this way for years.
> if it is a new thing, i would get him to a neurologist.
> 
> how old is he? old farts (like me) do forget things--like put a pot of water to boil on the stove, forget it, and go do some project in the basement....to find the pot is nearly melted when i come up to the kitchen again. I, personally, deal with it by NOT doing stupid ****....i do not put a pot on the stove and then leave the room unless is is some slow cooking meal and the burner is way down....if the burner is on full i just do not leave the room.
> ...


He is in his 40s.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> No normally competent adult does the stupid **** this guy does. Look at her other threads.
> 
> I think the better issue is, why did OP go ahead and marry him and have a child with such a man?
> 
> He's not going to change.





pastasauce79 said:


> My son is extremely intelligent, but he doesn't have a lot of common sense.
> 
> He's 13, and he almost burned down his grandma's house trying to make microwave Mac and cheese without water. 🤦
> 
> ...


It is things to think about. He actually takes the bus to work. Again, he is great at his work. His family is far away and not in our day-to-day. He has never lived absolutely on his own.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

tsweet06 said:


> It is things to think about. He actually takes the bus to work. Again, he is great at his work. His family is far away and not in our day-to-day. He has never lived absolutely on his own.


Get him tested cognitively to find out his short comings. The work with a qualified psychologist to see how he can be made to bridge his gaps, if possible. 
Sometimes, strategic small helps from you can make all the difference in the world. 
Those small helps, if you can find out where they are needed can help him become relatively self-sufficient within the marriage.


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## tsweet06 (Feb 12, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I can only go by the information you provided. But this describes my mother in law during the last year of her life. And I am one of those who loved my mother in law as she was a unique and talented lady. She actually had a custom built Hobbit door in her house like Lord of the Rings.
> 
> But anyway, she started suffering cognitive decline just like you are describing. Everyone noticed she was off including herself. She would make doctors appointments just to later forget why she made them. She was only 60 or as she said Sexty lol. She suddenly collapsed one day and instantly passed away alone in her home. We know it was instant because the coroner said she didn't even attempt to break the fall.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your openness to sharing your mother-in-law's passing in this forum to advocate for my husband to be checked out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This may just be who he is. If that’s the case, he might try coping methods but my experience is that people like him aren’t always interested in improving. Has he been this way as long as you’ve known him?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

But nothing ever caught fire did it… and you’ve not actually ever been in a car accident while he’s been driving… ever. Have you.

This sounds like a lot of pressure from you hovering, dangerous actually. And there hasn’t actually been a dangerous result. Has there?

Now if someone was standing over me waiting and worrying and watching and expecting a fire, I’d be pretty jittery and stressed while cooking. Move AWAY from the stove and butt out, because the only safety hazard that worries me here is you. Same goes with the car. DON’T distract the driver!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

tsweet06 said:


> My marriage is very rocky, because there is just an overall lack of trust between us at the moment and my husband seems to lack critical thinking skills/common sense in our everyday life. I am constantly having to go behind him to mend or do stuff to make sure things do not go wrong. Please note that this is not a trying to nag or be dominate. It is correcting course on his mistakes where stuff could go terribly wrong.
> 
> An example is that he was putting paper towels on the hot glass cooktop stove near a burner that was on. In his mind, he ran out of counter space from all his cooking efforts and so he decided to place the paper towels on the stove to set a pot on it. That is a real fire hazard and I didn't understand why he didn't realize that was. If I didnt catch it and act on it...that could have led to a major fire. At another time, he left the stove on with something (I forgot) that he was cooking and he left it on overnight, because he fell asleep. I woke up, saw it just about super burned, and turned it off.
> 
> ...


Really? You should be concerned if there's some medical or mental/medical reasons. 

Are there?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Any kids?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So does he realize this about himself or is he oblivious to it. Does he take the bus to work because he knows he’s not a good driver, or does he take the bus to work because he doesn’t have a drivers license, or because you told him to? 

Some people are absent minded and they are aware of it, and others don’t even think they are absent minded and that’s scary. 


You said your marriage is rocky… is it because of this one issue? 

I’ve notice that there are people who are so focused on the task they are doing that they become oblivious to everything else. For example the paper towel incident. There are people who take the bathroom garbage to the main garbage and walk by multiple papers and Things that need to be thrown away and not realize it. They miss the Forrest because they are focused on the tree. These types of people aren’t the most… caring partners to have. They lose the big picture. Some people are very in tuned with what’s going on around them, and others aren’t. Unfortunately it’s their predisposition.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

tsweet06 said:


> My marriage is very rocky, because there is just an overall lack of trust between us at the moment and my husband seems to lack critical thinking skills/common sense in our everyday life. I am constantly having to go behind him to mend or do stuff to make sure things do not go wrong. Please note that this is not a trying to nag or be dominate. It is correcting course on his mistakes where stuff could go terribly wrong.
> 
> An example is that he was putting paper towels on the hot glass cooktop stove near a burner that was on. In his mind, he ran out of counter space from all his cooking efforts and so he decided to place the paper towels on the stove to set a pot on it. That is a real fire hazard and I didn't understand why he didn't realize that was. If I didnt catch it and act on it...that could have led to a major fire. At another time, he left the stove on with something (I forgot) that he was cooking and he left it on overnight, because he fell asleep. I woke up, saw it just about super burned, and turned it off.
> 
> ...


You need to take him to a neurologist and find out what's wrong with him. None of that is normal. He may have had a brain injury at some point even. They're very well may not be anything they can do about it but you need to find out because he sounds like he has special needs at the moment and it is dangerous, like having a full grown fully capable 3-year-old and it will exhaust you trying to take care of him so you need to get him assessed and see if there's any other remedy.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

tsweet06 said:


> My marriage is very rocky, because there is just an overall lack of trust between us at the moment and my husband seems to lack critical thinking skills/common sense in our everyday life. I am constantly having to go behind him to mend or do stuff to make sure things do not go wrong. Please note that this is not a trying to nag or be dominate. It is correcting course on his mistakes where stuff could go terribly wrong.
> 
> An example is that he was putting paper towels on the hot glass cooktop stove near a burner that was on. In his mind, he ran out of counter space from all his cooking efforts and so he decided to place the paper towels on the stove to set a pot on it. That is a real fire hazard and I didn't understand why he didn't realize that was. If I didnt catch it and act on it...that could have led to a major fire. At another time, he left the stove on with something (I forgot) that he was cooking and he left it on overnight, because he fell asleep. I woke up, saw it just about super burned, and turned it off.
> 
> ...


You have to trust unless you believe you can't. There are ways to communicate and even reviewing that communication by referencing it in subsequent conversations. Struggling with him and as no trust your motive, he'll get over mistakes alone and you'll be remembered for not helping but causinig...or you can trust. Hope in 10 years it's all good and decide then


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Build better systems. So I put on the timer whenever I plan to have things on a burner for more than 5 minutes. You can drive a little more. Do make sure your criticism is delicate, with compliments before and after. Remember one family member said to his wife, you don't need to treat me like a king, just treat me as well as your casual acquaintances.


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## David-W (10 mo ago)

tsweet06 said:


> My marriage is very rocky, because there is just an overall lack of trust between us at the moment and my husband seems to lack critical thinking skills/common sense in our everyday life. I am constantly having to go behind him to mend or do stuff to make sure things do not go wrong. Please note that this is not a trying to nag or be dominate. It is correcting course on his mistakes where stuff could go terribly wrong.
> 
> An example is that he was putting paper towels on the hot glass cooktop stove near a burner that was on. In his mind, he ran out of counter space from all his cooking efforts and so he decided to place the paper towels on the stove to set a pot on it. That is a real fire hazard and I didn't understand why he didn't realize that was. If I didnt catch it and act on it...that could have led to a major fire. At another time, he left the stove on with something (I forgot) that he was cooking and he left it on overnight, because he fell asleep. I woke up, saw it just about super burned, and turned it off.
> 
> ...


Maybe he has ADD and cannot focus because his attention is easily diverted. It would be worth checking it out because if that's what it is, then there are ways to deal with it.


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