# Wife wants divorce, says she is gay!



## yvon_labbe (Aug 17, 2016)

Hello, I have been maried to my wife for 13 years, and been together for 20. 
We've been together since highschool. 

We have 2 beautiful children 11 & 8. 
About 6 months ago she told me we need to separate cause things were just not working cuz she pretty much think she is gay. 
We are still living together because of finances but are renovating are barn to to put a bachelor unit in it. 
We are thinking of leaving the children in the main house, and have myself and her rotate out of the barn. 

I am completely saddened and heart broken. I still absolutely love her with my soul. 

I cannot go a day without feeling crushed and lonely. 

I love spending time with my children, and love them to the moon but cannot stop feeling absolutely useless because my thoughts are all taken up with my separation and the idea of living life without my lovely wife for the rest of my days. 

My wife says she still love me as her best friend and nobody will ever change that and that and our "dynamic" will never change. 
But i cant stop thinking that one day she will start dating another woman and i will slowly fade away out of her life. 

This absolutely crushes me and puts me in a state of sadness, and anger. 


Please if anyone has any ideas as to what to do i would greatly appreciate it. 
Im always hanging on to hope that maybe one day we will be back together. 

Thank you
Yvon


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Welcome to TAM. Sorry you're here for this. 

OP, are you okay with your Wife dating other people, sleeping with other people, while under your roof? And what kind of message do you think that permitting it would send to your children? You sound like you're fine with it, as long as she doesn't divorce you; is that right?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I am sorry that you are going through a difficult time. Unfortunately, there is little you can do other than maintain a good relationship with her for the sake of your children.

A woman I dated in high school married, had two kids, and after 24 years divorced because she accepted - finally - that she is lesbian. I am still friends with her and her ex-husband. She remains good friends with her ex (they even do holidays together with his new wife), the kids are fine, and she is soon marrying her gf. 

Life goes on, but it takes time to adjust and heal. It's hard to see that now, but it will happen.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

If you take the "she is gay" out of the equation how is she any different from any other ILYBNILWY wives? So you renovated a barn so she can dabble in lesbian sex while you take care of the kids in the main house?

If she come back to you after a gay orgy and says, "Well, I guess I'm not gay after all" you're okay with that?

I'm not trying to belittle you. You need to explain to me where your head is.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

My first wife switched teams. It was much shorter timeframe, just after 4 years and we had 2 young boys, 3 and 1. On one level it was the best thing to happen to me at the time. Sex was infrequent and she had really let herself go after the kids and depression of hiding her true self to herself. 

There ain't much you can do man, if she likes women, she likes women. Really, do you even want her to repress herself and stay wih you now? It's not worth it. Keep it friendly and move on. You have absolutely no other choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
How does one "think" they are gay? She has been unsure for 20 years? If her predilection towards homosexuality is so obscure so as to be deniable for 20 years how strong can her conviction be? Has something in the dynamic of your marriage changed recently? There seems to be more here than meets the eye.

In any event, you must decide if you are okay with her entering an experimental period to verify or refute her homosexuality. Your renovating a barn into a bachelor pad I see as problematic. Will you be okay with her bringing others in for "activity"? Will you do likewise when it is your turn in the barn?

Something seems amiss here. Could she be using homosexuality as a cover for an affair or to gain your acceptance to be promiscuous because you seem very accepting of her declaration. Would you be so accepting if she was wanting to date other men? If not, then why accept this?

As to the "best friend" comment, who would do such a thing to their best friend? Give them a solemn vow, bring two children into the relationship, use up twenty years and then announce "oops, sorry, my bad, I'm out". With friends like this one would have little need for enemies. I would be honest with her and simply tell her that you do not wish to be friends. She is free to pursue whatever whimsy she feels entitled to but she will do so on her own. You will be the best co-parent you can be but as for friends, you can find better.


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## yvon_labbe (Aug 17, 2016)

Sorry a little more back story
A long while ago she did mention that she did have a liking to women. 

We have had a rocky relationship. 
There was a while wherr i was not right and had major jealousy and trust issues which lead made me sick for awhile. 

Her mother passed away of cancer and instead of me being strong for her, she had to be strong for me because i went into a depression. Which to this day i still kick myself for. 

This "thinking she is gay" did not just appear. It has been there for a long time. 

Just after her mother passing she kind of figured out that she was living her life from her mothers oppinions. Not for herself. 

I have never been abusive and i always put her first and i always wanted to make her happy. But I was also very clingy and needy 

Just lately have i been working on that but it seems too late. 


I just dont know if i can co-habitatw on the same property while seeing her date. But i also dont want to let go of my children for half the time. 

We are also co-owners of a busines. 
I am in a dilema and dont know where to go from here


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

OP, we need some more information. 

How, exactly, did she break this news to you. Did she explain herself?, if so...what did she say.

Has she had lesbian experiences before you got married? While you were married? 

How is your marriage otherwise? What was going on 6 months ago? 

Are you in shape? Overwieght at all? Porn issues? ED issues? Any abuse in your marriage? Her history or yours?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, this is a lot, but I'm really going to try to help here.

What your wife is talking about is called "BIRDNESTING" (you can google it) in the divorced/family law community. Basically, rather than disrupt the kids lives with you splitting assets, you keep the "nest" (jointly owned) and you pursue lives (gay or otherwise) outside of it. You come in and out of the nest "as needed" or "as determined."

I recommend it and wish I could have talked my ex-wife into it. It's so much easier on the kids to not have to create 2 homes (and support 2 homes) and have them shuffled back and forth. Assets can be liquidated later to rightful joint owners.

This is just addressing the "business part" of what you are going through, not so much the gay thing.

I know it's hard right now, but if I were your attorney and this is where it was headed, I'd be counseling you (and you aren't thinking straight - you do need an attorney to do the thinking for you) for your own good, it may not be a bad thing. 

Now. ..as far as the emotional component. . . well, I am not sure how much you want to delve into that, if that's the reason you are here. Both subjects are deep unto themselves and may need to separated out just for the sake of discussion.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She says that she is gay, so you may as well take her at her word. It honestly doesn't matter if its the truth or not. Arrange an equitable, non-hostile divorce.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

yvon_labbe said:


> But i cant stop thinking that one day she will start dating another woman and i will slowly fade away out of her life.
> 
> This absolutely crushes me and puts me in a state of sadness, and anger.
> 
> Please if anyone has any ideas as to what to do i would greatly appreciate it.


I have a suggestion. Stop depending on her for your happiness. True happiness comes from within.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

yvon_labbe said:


> Sorry a little more back story
> A long while ago she did mention that she did have a liking to women.
> 
> *We have had a rocky relationship.
> ...


Notice how those 2 things don't compute???? 

What else has been going on...Define what you mean by "Trust Issues" and Clingy and Needy"...

I mean...she may just be worn out and to the point that she just doesn't want a man period. If this is the case -and she hasn't started seeing anyone else...this may be fixable. 

Also...explain what you mean -exactly- by "Just lately" you have been working on things? 

I remember a couple of similar situations that I have seen...way way way back when in family mediation. It turned out it wasn't about being gay at all...could be your case...just need more info


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

yvon_labbe said:


> Sorry a little more back story
> A long while ago she did mention that she did have a liking to women.
> 
> We have had a rocky relationship.
> ...


Your writing is all over the place and hard to understand.

So this is what I got from your posts.

Your business partner was a closet lesbian and she married you and got pregnant out of convenience to please her mother. The signs were always there but you ignored it because you were never an attractive guy (maybe not physically but definitely in demeanor) and grateful for any female attention. Her mom died so she no longer has any reason to stay married to you. You're still her business partner so she needs to let you down easy to keep her business going, hence the ILYBNILWY talk. You, believing that this a real marriage is desperately trying to keep her from leaving.

How does this sound so far?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You need to see a therapist, depression and codependency screams from your posts.

Second, she wants out and to date women, so he gets to move out of the house. You don't need to see her everyday. You are about to be set free. You will start loving life if you can get out of your head that your life is over and you need her. There are millions of single women out there for you to sample. Your life is about to get interesting and fun! Trust me, I've been through a divorce recently and life is great once you're free.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, even though it's somewhat true that you will be set free upon divorce, I don't think it's FAIR or ACCURATE to tell you that over here in DIVORCED LAND, the milk and honey flow. Especially if you have kids.

Heck in another forum, I can't even get to have sex with my gf without major arrangements being made to offend their sensibilities. You don't sound like a guy who's just going go out there and live wild and have no responsibilities or simple realities.

So let's drop that illusion right now.

Let's take inventory:

A. It's a fact that women's sexuality is more elastic between gay and straight. Men don't just say, "Ya know. . .I'm tired of women. I'm gonna go get me a man." I have heard numerous women say that though over my lifetime. They just want to be with women, esp. once the sperm donation is out of the way in their lives.

B. To what one poster said, does it really make a difference if she wants to experiment or she's been wired this way? Maybe not, with respects to your marriage.

C. What seems to be bothering you the most is the ATTACHMENT factor. . .the fact your wife may attach herself to someone else romantically.

Yeah, as far as C, I am not sure what you do about that. You can either FIGHT IT or ACCEPT IT. I am not sure fighting it will yield a positive outcome as it will just breed resentment to deny her what she wants. 

I know its sounds like a bone she's throwing you, but let's run with this - she doesn't HATE you. . .she said you will always be her best friend. I was hesitant to refer you this thread because you have so much swirling around in your head and in this thread, but it may be illuminating for you explore the subject I have been exploring on another thread. . .Anyone here Poly? in the general relationship section.

The fact she still loves you and wants to love someone else DIFFERENTLY. . .god, I may be overdiagnosing this lately but she sounds polyamorous to me. . .and I am not endorsing what she is doing by any means, but I think you are sitting there confused. You should research what it means at least and then decide if you want to let her act on it or that even morally she SHOULD act on it. In other words, I'm not selling it, but I have become recently intellectually fascinated with the concept (and yes, maybe I am wired this way but don't practice for sure).

I don't know what else to say to help on the emotional level but I sense fear and confusion and I am trying to help here. . .she's not entirely deattaching from you but perhaps romantically she is.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You don't just become gay overnight like catching a cold. It's something you usually know early on, not after years of marriage and having kids. There's something else going on here, perhaps an OM is involved. At any rate, you shouldn't allow her to stay with you and the kids and certainly not spend money to renovate a barn so she can do what she wants. You need to research what she's up to and find out what's going on.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> you shouldn't allow her to stay with you and the kids and certainly not spend money to renovate a barn so she can do what she wants.


As the OP's quasi-wannabe attorney, I rebutt:

As opposed to splitting everything in half if she files for divorce, we shouldn't allow her?

I'd bet $100 in my wallet right now that renovating a barn for an apt. is a much cheaper option than divorce, child support, alimony and asset liquidation.

But you all can run with that on principle if you want. That's usually what people do and Judges. . .know what they do? Recite family law like robots. . .split things 50/50, child support along guidelines, alimony along guidelines. Yeah, she's denied her barn apartment and you're denied your chidren some of the time, half of your assets.

I would rather he use what SHE wants as a bargaining chip, if this is what it is coming to.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP,

If she does not already have a "girlfriend", how does she KNOW she is gay??? Or is she just not in love with you or attracted to you any more so being "gay" is an easy way out.

But before you do this nesting thing, I would make sure that you are going to be mentally OK with this if she all of a sudden decides she is now "bisexual" and not gay, and all of a sudden you have other men roaming in and out of your barn. Or if one of her "gay" friends is bisexual and they decide to have a cozy little threesome.

And of course, at some point if this lasts you are going to have to explain this to the kids.

Your mental state or lack of it will determone a lot with your kids and moving heaven and earth to stay married or under the same roof is not necessarily the best thing to do just because it seems to financially make sense.

I would be very careful here. If you are doing this hoping for her to snap out of it, don't count on it. Being a little uncomfortable financially, not seeing her kids every day, may make her a little unconvinced of her "gayness" way sooner than keeping her totally comfortable.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Hmmmmm......I would get the divorce and allow HER to live in the apartment. You keep the house. SHE is the one who wants out. The kids can go visit whack Mom out in the backyard. I'd get her to make some agreements on paper right now, while she still loves you and wants to be friends. 

Because if it turns out that you really can't watch her life, her coming and going, her visitors to the apartment.... then it could be ugly like some divorces are. 

Get it all sorted out while she is feeling generous toward you still.

See an attorney either way. Find out if your state recognizes separation....if so, at least make it legal. There are financial ramifications of being married, but not really.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When you married your wife there were two of them.

The women whose hand you held, married and birthed your children was one.

The other women you could not see. She was in the mirror and all you saw was a mirror-image........

The wife saw everything in it's proper perspective.....reversed.....a polar opposite.

After years of staring [at each other] one went into the mirror, the other came out.


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## yvon_labbe (Aug 17, 2016)

Thank you for all your reply's and insight. 
Im just in a screwed up state right now. Bug talking to a lawyer of someone is probably the right move. 
Again thank you so much


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

I think every woman is a little gay. Takes a lot of courage but also selfishness to act on. Personally I think once u heal you could both have a great relationship for the kids because u have no other choice. They always come first. 

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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