# Best custody arrangement?



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

My ex and I have been divorced for over 2 years and have had shared custody of our kids for almost 3. The kids are now 8 and 5. We have been doing one week at my house, then one week at his and so forth. We are both remarried now and the 4 of us get along fairly well (although my ex does tend to be a bit passive aggressive and manipulative).

The problem we are having is twofold. First of all, our oldest is getting more involved in school activities and sports and it's becoming difficult to arrange activities that we can each, on our respective weeks, fit into our schedules. For example, his soccer practice starts at 4pm which my H can do on our weeks but my ex can't manage on his weeks. If he finds something, it's the opposite problem for us and so on. Also, trying to remember to send uniforms, soccer balls, etc back and forth each week is tough. Something is always getting lost or forgotten at either house.

The youngest is adopted and has some developmental issues. He doesn't handle change well and we are concerned that the constant back and forth is really not good for him. Plus he really needs consistent discipline which is hard with 2 households. We try to coordinate and communicate but it's not the same.

My H and I are thinking about pushing for full custody, with maybe every other weekend visitations for my ex, but I'm sure my ex will fight it and it will ruin the decent, if sometimes a little strained, relationship that we have now. And the judge might just leave things the way they are or god forbid, grant my ex custody instead. Either way, it starts an all out war, puts the kids through the turmoil, etc.

Any advice? What do other people do for custody arrangements? Any creative schedules we should consider? Should we just suck it up and figure it out? We would do that except that we are really concerned about the younger child's well being and are skeptical that the constant scheduling issues are going to allow us to continue our decent relationship. It's starting to become a power struggle between the two sides.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What days of the week do the children move to another house?

What days of the week is soccor?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

From my understanding - unless there is a huge reason for change (abuse, drugs etc) judges rarely rule against status quo. My suggestion is energy is best spent on figuring this out as a team rather than court action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> What days of the week do the children move to another house?
> 
> What days of the week is soccor?


The kids move to the other house on Mondays. We drop them off at school Monday morning, my ex picks them up Monday evening and then we switch the following week.

Well, soccer is Monday and Thursdays and the youngest goes to martial arts on Tuesdays and Saturdays. Plus soccer games on Saturdays. So there is a lot of time spent on these activities and if the schedule doesn't fit for one party or the other, it's a big problem. It's not fair to the other teammates or our kids if they can only show up to practices every other week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you saying that you ex refuses to take the children to their activities when he has them?

Did he agree to these activities when they were signed up?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that you ex refuses to take the children to their activities when he has them?
> 
> Did he agree to these activities when they were signed up?


To a certain extent, yes. Partly I think it is a control issue. He's pissed that we insisted that the soccer be in our neighborhood since the school is closer to him (we only live 4 miles apart) so since he didn't get his way, he's throwing up his hands and being pissy about it. OTOH, we have 4 working adults with slightly different schedules so it's honestly hard to find something that we can all take them to on our respective weeks. What works for us doesn't work for them and vice versa.

And as I indicated, it's becoming a bit of a power struggle over who gets their "way".


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

justonelife said:


> The kids move to the other house on Mondays. We drop them off at school Monday morning, my ex picks them up Monday evening and then we switch the following week.
> 
> Well, soccer is Monday and Thursdays and the youngest goes to martial arts on Tuesdays and Saturdays. Plus soccer games on Saturdays. So there is a lot of time spent on these activities and if the schedule doesn't fit for one party or the other, it's a big problem. It's not fair to the other teammates or our kids if they can only show up to practices every other week.


Can they ride with buddies? Can the parent who can go pick kids up from other house? Just because other parent has care that week doesn't mean you couldn't go get child for their event. Personally children maintaining good relationships with both parents trumps any kind of commitment to sports team, especially at their young ages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
ETA my ex and I got along horribly, but for sake of best interest of kids, we had to coordinate shuttling kids to their events regardless of whose week it was. It allowed us to break up the week to see our kids and it was for THEM not us. There's no need for power struggle here, just a chance for decent co-parenting. I doubt a custody order would be changed for something with such an easy solution. Also confirming on last post, neither one of you agreed on which Neighborhood to sign up in, and you went ahead and just signed up in yours? If that is correct and it hasn't been agreed upon, it sounds like power struggle might go both ways.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Best custody arrangement?*



justonelife said:


> To a certain extent, yes. Partly I think it is a control issue. He's pissed that we insisted that the soccer be in our neighborhood since the school is closer to him (we only live 4 miles apart) so since he didn't get his way, he's throwing up his hands and being pissy about it. OTOH, we have 4 working adults with slightly different schedules so it's honestly hard to find something that we can all take them to on our respective weeks. What works for us doesn't work for them and vice versa.
> 
> And as I indicated, it's becoming a bit of a power struggle over who gets their "way".


Since you live close, could you and/or your H pick up your children for their activities and drop them back off with your ex after they are over?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Can they ride with buddies? Can the parent who can go pick kids up from other house? Just because other parent has care that week doesn't mean you couldn't go get child for their event. Personally children maintaining good relationships with both parents trumps any kind of commitment to sports team, especially at their young ages.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> ETA my ex and I got along horribly, but for sake of best interest of kids, we had to coordinate shuttling kids to their events regardless of whose week it was. It allowed us to break up the week to see our kids and it was for THEM not us. There's no need for power struggle here, just a chance for decent co-parenting. I doubt a custody order would be changed for something with such an easy solution. Also confirming on last post, neither one of you agreed on which Neighborhood to sign up in, and you went ahead and just signed up in yours? If that is correct and it hasn't been agreed upon, it sounds like power struggle might go both ways.


Golfergirl - No, we absolutely did not just go ahead and sign up for soccer in our neighborhood without asking. We discussed the situation and he begrudgingly agreed to sign our son up in our neighborhood because he couldn't really argue with the fairness. Everything shouldn't be in his neighborhood, it's not fair to us and we want our son to be able to make some friends near our house. So my ex agreed to it but he's not really happy about it.

It's also not as simple as just saying that we drive the kids around on his weeks. My H is the one that gets home from work early but he is a wheelchair user and cannot drive. So we cannot just drive the kids around on my ex's weeks.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Golfergirl - No, we absolutely did not just go ahead and sign up for soccer in our neighborhood without asking. We discussed the situation and he begrudgingly agreed to sign our son up in our neighborhood because he couldn't really argue with the fairness. Everything shouldn't be in his neighborhood, it's not fair to us and we want our son to be able to make some friends near our house. So my ex agreed to it but he's not really happy about it.
> 
> It's also not as simple as just saying that we drive the kids around on his weeks. My H is the one that gets home from work early but he is a wheelchair user and cannot drive. So we cannot just drive the kids around on my ex's weeks.


Who drives the kids at your house? Can they not get the kids from exes house? What is the difference which house they come from? Isn't it just 4 miles apart?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Who drives the kids at your house? Can they not get the kids from exes house? What is the difference which house they come from? Isn't it just 4 miles apart?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because the soccer is in our neighborhood, my husband is able to take the kids by walking (rolling in his wheelchair) to the park. He cannot roll in his wheelchair 4 miles to pick up the kids at my ex's house and then expect the kids to walk 4 miles back to our neighborhood. It's not feasible.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

*Re: Re: Best custody arrangement?*



justonelife said:


> Because the soccer is in our neighborhood, my husband is able to take the kids by walking (rolling in his wheelchair) to the park. He cannot roll in his wheelchair 4 miles to pick up the kids at my ex's house and then expect the kids to walk 4 miles back to our neighborhood. It's not feasible.


to be fair, 4pm soccer practice is not very feasible, and it is not fair to expect him to be able to when you yourself personally can't either. The only realistic thing to do is not register your kids for activities where the logistics are not feasible. Just because you are in a situation where your spouse is able to facilitate it doesn't mean that your ex needs to be in a situation where he has to reciprocate...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For you to request full custody for the reasons you have given is unacceptable. Seriously, if I was a judge and a parent came to me with this request, I’d be very likely to give the other parent full custody or at least a larger amount of time with the child.

Have no doubt that you will plenty of attorneys willing to take the case and your money. They will not care that it kills the ability for you two to co-parent your child.

If something has to suffer her, it’s not your children’s relationship with their father. It’s your child’s afer extra activities. But that is also not fair to your child.

If you have full custody of you son, then your husband would take him to soccer every week, right? But he cannot do it every week if things stay as they are?

If your sons do not go to these activities, where do they go? Who is taking care of them?

The real problem here is that you insisted that your sons sign up for activities that no one is committed to make sure they get there. Whatever you would do to get your children to their activities if you have full custody of them, you can so with the current 50/50 split.

How about your husband drop your son off at practice, and then your ex picks him up? Or your husband does this during the week and your ex always takes Saturdays?

Or you can both chip in and hire a person who is like a nanny to help shuffle the boys around to activities when no one is available.

Children are usually seriously harmed by divorce. They have to shuffle around form house to house. Living like that must suck. I realize that some divorces are necessary. But the idea is to give them as normal a life as possible. They have gotten used to the current schedule. Changing it once again is disruptive. Making so that they seldom see their father is not acceptable. That’s not a solution. You have son. Sons need their father as they get older.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

justonelife said:


> Because the soccer is in our neighborhood, my husband is able to take the kids by walking (rolling in his wheelchair) to the park. He cannot roll in his wheelchair 4 miles to pick up the kids at my ex's house and then expect the kids to walk 4 miles back to our neighborhood. It's not feasible.


How does you son get from school to your ex's house?

How does he get from school to your house?


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

I think the idea of filing for full custody with EOW visitation because of a soccer practice scheduling conflict is completely insane!! How are you impacting your children long term with this? In 20 years, what will benefit them more, a good relationship with Dad or 2nd grade soccer practice? If nobody can't get him to practice, does it matter if it's nearer your house or his? This is petty! Secondly, if nobody can get him there, he can't go. Simple as that.
In regards to your younger son, is it possible to change his week here/week there to two week blocks at a time? It would provide more consistency and less change, in addition to some alone time with each parent team. Keeping the week/week schedule for the older one and changing it to 2 weeks/2 weeks for the younger?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I don't think you were fair with your reasons for wanting registration in your Neighborhood. Had your ex registered in his would have the times been more workable or is it 4 all around. I'm with Lon, most people would be hard-pressed to make a 4pm soccer practice on a work day. Can your kids car pool with another family and your H meet them there? I honestly have to say unless all parties agreed I doubt any judge would change an order to accommodate a soccer schedule for a 5 and 8 year old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Okay, we are getting way off track with the soccer scheduling. That's not the main concern, that's just one of many.

The larger concern is my 5 year old son with developmental problems (fetal alcohol effects) that doesn't handle the constant switching back and forth well. We thought having one stable home environment might be better for him. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Edited to add: Does anyone worry that their kids don't feel that they have a "home" or constantly feel like a nomad shuffled back and forth?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

justonelife said:


> Okay, we are getting way off track with the soccer scheduling. That's not the main concern, that's just one of many.
> 
> The larger concern is my 5 year old son with developmental problems (fetal alcohol effects) that doesn't handle the constant switching back and forth well. We thought having one stable home environment might be better for him. Does anyone have any experience with this?
> 
> Edited to add: Does anyone worry that their kids don't feel that they have a "home" or constantly feel like a nomad shuffled back and forth?


Of course, most parents worry that their children feel like they don't have a home. Or that their lives are too disrupted by moving back and forth. But you got a divorce so this is your children's life. They will survive and even thrive. What will help them the most is if you and your ex do not fight and can effectively do-parent.

There are things you can do to make them feel like they do have a home and it's comprised of two houses. Home is where the heart is. It's not a building. They should have everything they need at both houses… no carrying clothing, toiletries, toys, etc from house to house. The few things that cannot be duplicated like school books stay are taken with them between homes.

Your children will be fine as long as they have both you and their father in their lives, each as much as possible.

The damage done to children by losing one parent is terrible. It will harm your children more than moving between two homes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

justonelife said:


> Okay, we are getting way off track with the soccer scheduling. That's not the main concern, that's just one of many.
> 
> The larger concern is my 5 year old son with developmental problems (fetal alcohol effects) that doesn't handle the constant switching back and forth well. We thought having one stable home environment might be better for him. Does anyone have any experience with this?
> 
> Edited to add: Does anyone worry that their kids don't feel that they have a "home" or constantly feel like a nomad shuffled back and forth?


Wanted to add more here. If your 5 year old is having troubles with the switching back and forth, then take him to counseling. Let the counselor help him learn to deal with it. If he needs to be at only one home then the counselor can be the one to suggest it and a court might back that. But if you do this, make sure you ex is involved in the counseling.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I personally would not like the 50/50 custody split. I was lucky as parenting was too much work for my ex, so they went every second weekend with their dad. I too preferred my kids to have a main home. Most experts disagree with me, but like you, that isn't my preference. Does your ex have your children's best interest at heart? If a counsellor recommended the permanent home, but recommended it with your ex, how would you feel about that? Are your ex and his wife good parents? Mine sucked. If you do choose to go ahead, make sure you focus on the valid reasons so your application doesn't look petty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Okay, we are getting way off track with the soccer scheduling. That's not the main concern, that's just one of many.
> 
> The larger concern is my 5 year old son with developmental problems (fetal alcohol effects) that doesn't handle the constant switching back and forth well. We thought having one stable home environment might be better for him. Does anyone have any experience with this?
> 
> Edited to add:* Does anyone worry that their kids don't feel that they have a "home" or constantly feel like a nomad shuffled back and forth?*


Ex and I do 50/50 shared care, a slight variation to week on/off. The kids have TWO homes,fully set up bedrooms, double sets of every thing like sports gear etc so the only thing they carry back and forth is their school bag/laptops and all that they take to school.

Sorry I just can't get past wanting to take kids away from their dad, it is selfish and NOT in anyone's best interest. Work it out, go to mediation if you have to.

If you are willing to have the kids full time then that means you are willing to do all the driving for sports, with that in mind then just do all the driving for sports when the kids are with their dad.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

justonelife said:


> Okay, we are getting way off track with the soccer scheduling. That's not the main concern, that's just one of many.
> 
> The larger concern is my 5 year old son with developmental problems (fetal alcohol effects) that doesn't handle the constant switching back and forth well. We thought having one stable home environment might be better for him. Does anyone have any experience with this?
> 
> Edited to add: Does anyone worry that their kids don't feel that they have a "home" or constantly feel like a nomad shuffled back and forth?


Yes the soccer scheduling was a bit of a side-track, but it illustrates that co-parenting is tough and requires some creativity. It also requires both parents to not write the other out of the children's lives. I too co-parent, it is not exactly fun, we sometimes do not communicate enough, but when we do we usually manage to get back to an agreement how to arrange things (such as discipline, routines) that is for the benefit of our son as much as possible.

I certainly feel that my son doesn't have the stable, secure home like I knew growing up, instead it's two places that he has to continually adapt to every time he shuttles back and forth - I grieve that for him all the time but I also do the best I can, and hope that his mother does the best she can, and I try to check my pride and ego at the door when it comes to our son's well-being. He is better off having two separate homes with two loving parents than one home and one parent (plus a step-parent that is being foisted into the role of dad/mom on him - not to say there is no place for a loving step-parent.)

My son certainly has visible behaviors that have stemmed from his home being split up, transitioning causes him to be constantly grasping for control of every situation he can - when I ask him a question he refuses to answer simply because he can, and he takes some solace in that. Is this "harming" him? no, but it does affect the kind of person he will be, and I accept that - he is an individual and is not a copy of me, or his mom, and I will guide and parent him into being the man he will become.

The important thing is to continue CO-PARENTING and get in agreement on things even if it means some of your kids activities will be sacrificed. My son is now enrolled in Gynastics, swimming and Soccer, his mom wasn't sure what my schedule would be like but went ahead and enrolled him anyways but accepted the responsibility to make sure she is always available to take him on my weeks with him in case I can't (though other than a couple early soccer games I should be able to always take him).


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## celeste (Apr 3, 2013)

justonelife said:


> My ex and I have been divorced for over 2 years and have had shared custody of our kids for almost 3. The kids are now 8 and 5. We have been doing one week at my house, then one week at his and so forth. We are both remarried now and the 4 of us get along fairly well (although my ex does tend to be a bit passive aggressive and manipulative).
> 
> The problem we are having is twofold. First of all, our oldest is getting more involved in school activities and sports and it's becoming difficult to arrange activities that we can each, on our respective weeks, fit into our schedules. For example, his soccer practice starts at 4pm which my H can do on our weeks but my ex can't manage on his weeks. If he finds something, it's the opposite problem for us and so on. Also, trying to remember to send uniforms, soccer balls, etc back and forth each week is tough. Something is always getting lost or forgotten at either house.
> 
> ...



When my husband and I got divorced from our ex's 9 years ago, we were both divorcing while military families. Due to "active duty issues" we aimed for a school year/summer rotation with split holidays. I honestly don't know how kids/parents handle the constant rotation of living near each other. (For the kids it must be really hard.) 

One household for rules, schedules etc for the school year, sounds much easier on the mind in my opinion. 

We always have our adjustment weeks (behavior wise) after they return but once they are back, they are back, and they know exactly what to expect and what is coming. We support our children's relationships with the other parents and communication is very much encouraged. They look forward to their holidays with their other parents too. 

I think alternate weekends or something more like that is much better than a change in household a week but I may be the minority in my line of thinking.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

We have a situation where the mom wants to dictate all of my sd's activities. Because we don't live in the same town, my husband loses out on weekends with his daughter. I congratulate you on trying to coparent, and to make a stable environment for your two.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Court action and suing for full custody should only ever be undertaken in extreme circumstances such as abuse. Not over issues like this.

I'm a step parent to my husbands beautiful 9 year old daughter. We have her Wed-Sat, her mother has her Sun-Tues. 

She has two homes, both with completely set up bedrooms, clothes, toys etc. Only her favourite things does she take between houses.

On Wednesdays her mother drops her at school and I collect her. On Saturday night we return her to her mothers.

There are occasions, like this week for instance, I am unable to collect from school on Wednesday, in which case her mother will and I collect her from her mother's later that day.

There are also times where her mother is not able to take her to her scouts for example on a Tuesday night, in which case either myself or my husband will take her and drop her back at her mothers.

Neither her mother or father are part time parents. They are both parents 7 days a week and if their daughter needs something on the other parents day, and the other is unable to make it happen, they both will step up and fill in for the other.

You have to find a way to make this work. Your younger son, with lots of encouragement and possibly counselling will learn to adjust. It is critical that both your children have a strong relationship with both you and your ex.

For either parent to expect the other to be ok with every other weekend is incredibly selfish and NOT in the best interests of the children.


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