# I discovered the Ghost of marriage future.



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

During a family Christmas eve party I got a inquiry of obviousness about my situation who had heard what was going on, despite a few differences between the truth and the reality, she was spot on and seemed quite surprised. She is a in law relation. My Wife's, Fathers, Wife's, Sister's Daughter. No, we did not cross Schwards ala Lord Helmet and Lonestar.

Anyway, I got a random FB message and Friend invite soon after and she seemed interested in wanting to know about what happened. I gave her the rundown, others around here know but check the "Paralyzed" thread for giggles and reference. Still ever feeling the weight of this debacle and the loneliness as well, I was more than willing to talk about it since I at least knew who she was. 

After some banter back and forth she wanted to swing by for general conversation, knowing full well I will more than likely have at least one child present and awake to which she was indifferent, a sign of a general interest in my story and the effects it has had on my children, seeing as she is a Teacher in Mass it occurred to me that she may have an altruistic interest in child development, especially towards my eldest who was abused by my STBXW as well the others being generally mistreated. 

The night before she came over she and I opened up about a few things of note, as well as the weeks prior. Due to the sensitive nature of the Wife's actions and whatnot I told her nothing will be said unless a quid pro quo was agreed upon, which she then told me without hesitation certain things about key people. With this in hand I opened up, and more so as the weeks followed. Well she told me she had slept with her best friend the night prior to coming over. We talked about it and she was not too interested in what became of it.

She came by, even bought Dinner too, and for a bit it was kinda awkward. I mean, really, yes, I knew who she was and had seen her for years, but was completely off kilter as on how to act or what to say. This soon changed and a comfort level developed. Hell, she even swore, a lot, which made me feel at ease since it showed me that she was not too uptight for profanity. My son, her and I even engaged in some debate that me and my son had and invited her into it to get a neutral opinion. Ugh, She agreed with him, which made my son happy. 

Anyway, my son gave me the "Wink" although I got no vibes from her or had any intentions myself. No, this is not going where you think either. I wanted to being up this situation she had as a topic of discussion about her previous nights encounter. She had said the previous night that they were good friends since High school, she is 34, and that between missed opportunity and other things they never hooked up but became great friends. I did not care about the lead up to her and him doing it, it was disinteresting to me. 

But what I did want to know was how she felt. How she thought he felt. What happened afterward? did she acknowledge the danger about sleeping with a friend? She felt fine with it, no exhilaration afterword, no overwhelming desire to see or talk to him. And he apparently had the same attitude towards him. I found this odd, not to say that every sexual encounter SHOULD lead to a relationship. But her perception of him over the years which included not one bad or negative dynamic. Nothing to complain about. She commented on her comfortability and openness towards him and lots of other things as well.

I then asked what she wanted to happen and what he wanted to happen and she, as well as him, agreed that their lives are too chaotic to even attempt a relationship, which is good that honesty was attempted. He is busy with work and school and her with work, family matters and being a single parent of one. And right there I made the connection folks. We are all doomed to fail.

You see, she made it clear that because of the duration of their friendship that no novelty could exist anymore. The thrill of discovering each other was already exhausted and since the careers and lifestyle was already present the level of disinterest was already there, no resentment at the sacrifices or other issues they faced along the way since they faced them separately up until that point. Neither one could lay blame at the others. 

I got more interested and asked her if they have even talked about it. She said no, neither one had mentioned it. Not like it never happened but like it simply was inconsequential, of little importance once again citing the interference of life as a deterrent from even trying. With nothing to explore, nothing to get excited about there was simply nothing to pursue.

This showed me that when a couple who do know each other quite well before a physical relationship ensues have already reached that stage of stagnation. No excitement. A lull. This is the same story we see here all too often do we not? "Things were great, fell in love, great friends, Had children, Worked a lot, focused on careers, family etc." And presto, Mr or Mrs excitement came along and suddenly all those things became non essential again. Just in this case my friend and her one time partner reached that point already, and nothing became of it. Things get stale, things get old. Relationships are not meant to last forever so I give praise and respect to those who have the ability to make it to this point and beyond.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't agree with your premise.

Just because people are together for a long time and get comfortable with each other, doesn't mean that there can't be excitement.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't agree with your premise.
> 
> Just because people are together for a long time and get comfortable with each other, doesn't mean that there can't be excitement.


 Of course there can be excitement, but at what cost, what method? There is nothing exciting about coming home from work and doing the same old routine over and over again. The lack of stimuli for something new will take hold over stagnation any day of the week. 

I am sure, like many others here, you had a fad or favorite of something as one point and in time became indifferent to it or just plain ol sick of it. Marriage and family life can be a drag and after a while those dreams and aspirations give way to sacrifices and alterations in ones life. Although these alterations can and often do breed some form of irritation, sooner or later, at least the stimulation of meeting a challenge is at hand. 

In fact I have seen many a non sexual relationship deteriorate in this very manner; Room mates. Without the inclusion of sex many people who are BFF or close friends tend to grow to have some contempt and in time dislike of ones behavior. One may view the other as too uptight while the other see's nothing but a slob. I am not saying that lasting a lifetime is impossible, but I am saying it is damn hard to stay committed. Don't believe this idea, ask someone who started his first day on the job today how they feel, ask them again in 20 or 30 years. The responses will be completely different.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

IIJokerII said:


> This showed me that when a couple who do know each other quite well before a physical relationship ensues have already reached that stage of stagnation. No excitement. A lull. This is the same story we see here all too often do we not? "Things were great, fell in love, great friends, Had children, Worked a lot, focused on careers, family etc." And presto, Mr or Mrs excitement came along and suddenly all those things became non essential again. Just in this case my friend and her one time partner reached that point already, and nothing became of it. Things get stale, things get old. Relationships are not meant to last forever so I give praise and respect to those who have the ability to make it to this point and beyond.


You have it wrong. There are people who expect the intensity of infatuation to continue indefinitely. Those people are setting themselves up for disappointment. I had a long term relationship with a woman similar. We dated for over four years and were engaged to be married. In retrospect I should have known this was her flaw. She changed her major in college several times along with many other things. Nothing was constant but our relationship. Eventually someone "exciting" entered her life and she had an affair and broke it off with me. She married that fellow and got divorced a few years later so she was one of those types.

I met the woman who would become my wife and we were friends for over four years but that didn't squelch the excitement of infatuation one bit when we started dating. My experience with the first woman taught me what I didn't want and how to identify it. After a long self evaluation I also decided what I did want out of a relationship. So when I finally started dating again after several years, I looked for the warning signs and for signs of the type I wanted.

Our infatuation stage ended a long time ago but we still discover new things about each other and we continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. We embarked on a new hobby a couple of years ago that have provided excitement, growth and together time. If you work for and have a spouse who tries as well you can maintain a certain level of newness and excitement.

That doesn't mean we haven't had our problems. For awhile routine became an enemy of our marriage. Once we solved our communication issues we each satisfied the others needs much better and things like date nights and adventures kept the fires burning. We've been married 25 years so far and the excitement is still there though just not as intense as the first few. 

Joker, I think you can find it if you look. It's just not going to be with your friend most likely.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

meson said:


> Joker, I think you can find it if you look. It's just not going to be with your friend most likely.


Oh good sir, I am not pursuing this girl, well, woman, since I do find her to not be the typical female I usually end up talking to, this is just a platonic friendship, although I am not ignorant to the fact that things happen, I am too raw still from what me and my children got dumped over....

Anyway,

I wrote this since I found it fascinating that a friendship, in lieu of a relationship, garnished the same reasons not to pursue a relationship in regards to her situation, while most people here can detail that these same things destabilized their marriages. The only difference being when the physical part started. 

And if anyone say's "Sex is not important in a marriage" fodder, please click the back button on the web page and read the sex and marriage forum, it is a highly important issue. 

And it is also a near dead on blue print for why so many people chime in about their marital woes; Life got......Gets in the way. 

Of course this is also a reflection of me since I obviously just do not know how to pick them.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

I think it must be a personality trait, Joker. I do not constantly crave new things. In fact, I would hate to have to break in a new partner at this point in my life.

I take great pleasure in having a long history with my husband. We have the comfort and familiarity of a shared past. I feel like the roots of two trees that have grown entangled together. Maybe our romantic view of love has sustained us?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I think you are coming out with the wrong conclusion sort of. You are basically saying you need the novelty, in a specific form, to keep that spark alive. With that perception, you are correct and every relationship is doomed once they have nothing more to reveal about themselves. 

But, you might consider that novelty can be found all over the place. It is what makes them unique. 

The stories are the same, the work, etc. But it’s those finer details, even their own little brands of crazy like how mine does this hilarious kung-fu swatting when she thinks she hears a bee, or the horrible off key singing she does when she doesn’t know anyone can hear her, that will and always continue to be those things you find absolutely unique and intriguing about them. She simply remains to be a novelty by simply being her which is unlike the next girl. And even when predictable, it is unique and novel. Those are the things that really continue to attract, not the ‘cool story’ histories. 

Pay attention to yourself. I bet when she's talking animated and passionately about something, you find that emotional projection and the little ways she might use her hands, gets that crinkle in the corners of her eyes, and the way she tilts her head a hell of a lot more attractive than the content of what she is saying. That stuff doesn't go away or get stale... just the words do. Simple shift in your perception and the words, even if you've heard that story a hundred times, isn't half as novel or attractive to you as the way she tells it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Interesting... Very interesting.

Just maybe, you've shown the two people can friend-zone each other. Wander out of it just a bit and have a taste - then immediately head back (perhaps defensively) into the friend-zone.

Or maybe she's a PUA hungry for the next meal and you're on the plate. An easy vulnerable snack.

"Life gets in the way..." - Only if you're heading in the wrong direction.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Of course there can be excitement, but at what cost, what method? There is nothing exciting about coming home from work and doing the same old routine over and over again. The lack of stimuli for something new will take hold over stagnation any day of the week. *What cost or method? Sure, there is a routine but it is up to us as individuals to break that routine. "Are you not entertained" only happens in the movies. It is up to us to get off the couch, plan and make life loaded with anything but routine. Stimuli? What is your definition of stimuli? *
> 
> I am sure, like many others here, you had a fad or favorite of something as one point and in time became indifferent to it or just plain ol sick of it. Marriage and family life can be a drag and after a while those dreams and aspirations give way to sacrifices and alterations in ones life. Although these alterations can and often do breed some form of irritation, sooner or later, at least the stimulation of meeting a challenge is at hand. *Marriage to me is never a yawnfest It is up to me(us) to make plans, go do things and look forward to activities as a couple/family. I never once had seen my family life as a drag. Anything but. It is my kids that I can live vicariously as feeling young. Going to theme parks and riding the rides. Taking them to concerts. Hell, we went to see KISS this summer. We had a blast! The biggest challenge is finding another week we can go to Disney. Alone time with my wife doing what we want. For us it is all very exciting
> *
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

skype said:


> I think it must be a personality trait, Joker. I do not constantly crave new things. In fact, I would hate to have to break in a new partner at this point in my life.
> 
> I take great pleasure in having a long history with my husband. We have the comfort and familiarity of a shared past. I feel like the roots of two trees that have grown entangled together. Maybe our romantic view of love has sustained us?


Nice post!

I do not crave new things. If I'm not happy I find something that makes me happy. Fortunately the simply things in life make me happy. Just sitting with my wife sipping a coffee makes me happy. We have reached a level were we are comfortable in our own skins and look forward to our next activity. Could be a trip to a antique store or just sitting by the pools sipping fruity drinks. 

And like Skype, my W and I are very intertwined. Sometimes we look like a pretzel but that is another thread.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Interesting... Very interesting.
> 
> Just maybe, you've shown the two people can friend-zone each other. Wander out of it just a bit and have a taste - then immediately head back (perhaps defensively) into the friend-zone.
> 
> ...


What is a PUA? ..... A vulnerable snack hahaha.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Nice post!
> 
> I do not crave new things. If I'm not happy I find something that makes me happy. Fortunately the simply things in life make me happy. Just sitting with my wife sipping a coffee makes me happy. We have reached a level were we are comfortable in our own skins and look forward to our next activity. Could be a trip to a antique store or just sitting by the pools sipping fruity drinks.


 I am fond of the simpler things too sir, maybe too fond. Give me some time to contemplate some of these comments and reply later.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> What is a PUA? ..... A vulnerable snack hahaha.


PUA = Pick Up Artist


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> I am fond of the simpler things too sir, maybe too fond. Give me some time to contemplate some of these comments and reply later.


 :smthumbup:


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

skype said:


> PUA = Pick Up Artist


 No I do not think she is a pick up artist. I mean, she is technically family, that would be so wrong on so many levels. Plus whenever I did see her around at family events and such she was always alone. 

Of course this says nothing about what happens out of sight.


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