# Is it time to call it quit?



## 2013 (Jun 8, 2018)

I have been married for 5 yrs! We met online, did long distance relationship for close to 2 yrs, spending holidays together. We decided to get married after 2 yrs of relationship and now,we have 2 kids (4&2).
When we met I knew he used to drink and smoke, and at some point before we got married, it was one of the reasons I broke off the relationship. You see, I don’t smoke, drink one or two times in a year, and never dated someone that smokes and drinks because I couldn’t stand the smell of cigarettes. It was uncomfortable for me. He came back begging and promised to cut down his drinking to once or twice a month (which I was okay with) and to stop smoking. I loved him and decided to get back and .... finally we got married. 
Fast forward to today, he is back drinking every weekend, smokes cigarettes, cigar and occasional weeds ( lies about it ) and to top it up, he dips which annoys the hell out of me (apparently has been dipping even before we got married, but I didn’t know about it until 3 yr of marriage). 
The worse of it all, he dips around the kids at home and has exposed them to the particles on several occasions despite agreeing to do it outside of the house. His mouth hygiene is terrible (barely brushes everyday) . It’s a big battle to get him to the dentist, and when he does, goes right back to the bad hygiene within 2 weeks (I don’t know why I didn’t notice this during the relationship) 
We barely kiss ( can’t remember the last time I had a good kiss or foreplay since I got married)... and I miss it! I can’t stand the metallic minty smell of his dip. It disgust me! 
We no longer sleep in the same room. Because of the stress of working, I chose to sleep in the same room with the kids (It is easier for me to attend to them especially when they wake up in the middle of the night) . 
The truth is, I use that as an excuse because I can’t stand my husband’s breath. Also he told me on several occasions when I was pregnant with our 1st child that I snore like a “moving truck!” He was always nasty about it. 
And the constant bone of contention, he lies to me about these additions even when it is so obvious to both of us that he is lying. He has gotten so good at lying that sometimes I start to think I am at fault and end up apologizing. The only time I can get him to stop lying is when I catch him red handed. He has promised multiple times to quit dipping but he keeps going back to it . Our sex life is terrible, no foreplay, no kissing just penetration. I miss kissing and foreplay. It has gotten to the point that the only way I can reach orgasm when having sex with him is when I imagine I am having sex with someone else (This, he doesn’t know).
I have communicated with him MANY times on his dipping, exposing the kids to the particles, mouth hygiene, his constant lies, our sex life and how all these is affecting our relationship.... but we keep going round a circle. 
I am getting fed up and I don’t know what to do anymore. Sometimes I think of having an affair because I miss good sex, and romance , but I am concerned about what it will do to my marriage and the kids. 
I need advices on what to do. Because I feel so depressed. I really want us to work, but I don’t know if this is possible anymore. Pls help....
Thank you


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

2013 said:


> Sometimes I think of having an affair because I miss good sex, and romance , but I am concerned about what it will do to my marriage and the kids.


This is just about the worst choice you could make. Your marriage will be destroyed, if it doesn't wind up in a legal divorce, it will almost certainly wind up with an emotional divorce.

Your kids will be HURT. Affairs bring about years, possibly decades, of animus between the spouses. It is horrible for the kids. In many cases, the children "polarize"....one takes the "side" of the husband, one the wife, etc.
Children should never be required to handle adult situations. An affair nearly always forces them to deal with emotions beyond their intellectual development.

My suggestion is that you engage a marital counselor, and see if there can be some compromise about your sexual activity, and if some negotiation about his habits (like, outside the house, not around the kids, etc.) can be reached.

http://loveandrespect.com/blog/learning-how-to-avoid-the-crazy-cycle-video/

You describe your marriage as "circle" - check out this website....do some reading about "the crazy cycle".....

I think you'll find this both interesting and quite helpful.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

2013 said:


> I have been married for 5 yrs! We met online, did long distance relationship for close to 2 yrs, spending holidays together. We decided to get married after 2 yrs of relationship and now,we have 2 kids (4&2).
> When we met I knew he used to drink and smoke, and at some point before we got married, it was one of the reasons I broke off the relationship. You see, I don’t smoke, drink one or two times in a year, and never dated someone that smokes and drinks because I couldn’t stand the smell of cigarettes. It was uncomfortable for me. He came back begging and promised to cut down his drinking to once or twice a month (which I was okay with) and to stop smoking. I loved him and decided to get back and .... finally we got married.
> Fast forward to today, he is back drinking every weekend, smokes cigarettes, cigar and occasional weeds ( lies about it ) and to top it up, he dips which annoys the hell out of me (apparently has been dipping even before we got married, but I didn’t know about it until 3 yr of marriage).
> The worse of it all, he dips around the kids at home and has exposed them to the particles on several occasions despite agreeing to do it outside of the house. His mouth hygiene is terrible (barely brushes everyday) . It’s a big battle to get him to the dentist, and when he does, goes right back to the bad hygiene within 2 weeks (I don’t know why I didn’t notice this during the relationship)
> ...


I am sorry but you are married to an addict and his first love will be the drugs and alcohol. YOu need to get support, you cannot make him change, the only time such a person may change is when they hit rock bottom and are losing everything. Presently you still care for his needs including sexual needs. 
Your are not bringing the kids up in a healthy environment. I would suggest you go to AL Anon or Narc Anon. This is not your fault, it is like being on a roller coaster, some times are good, many are bad and he will run circles around you with lies, you will not know what your reality is and second guess yourself all the time. I think you get the help from one of those support groups, get stronger emotionally and then decide if you want to have him in your life or not, you may want to ask him to leave until he cleans himself up or he will not be in your lives. Things will become clearer when you can see the wood from the trees and have support.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@aine has good advice. AL Anon is an excellent program and there will be participants there who have experience living with an addicted person.
@aine is also correct that people don't change until the reward of changing is better than the reward of remaining the same.


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