# Help! Two Married People Having Affair



## souling107 (Mar 19, 2013)

Could someone please set my head straight... I am in a mental mess! I seriously need help.

I am very happy with my husband and marriage. Unfortunately, my job put me in a different continent several years ago. I see my husband 3 times a year, one week each time. The distance has inevitably taken a toll on the relationship in the sense that I often feel very lonely. A year ago, I met a married man and was instantly attracted to him. He was in a rut in his marriage at the time (I guess that was why he was attracted to women outside of his marriage). I only meant for this affair to be companionship and nothing else but as we spent time together, I have grown to really like him. 

As circumstances change, I will be moving back home to be with my husband very soon, which means my affair will come to an end. I am worried that I wouldn't be attracted to my husband sexually anymore. And I find myself resenting the very possible fact that my affair partner and his wife would have a better marriage and a more exciting sex life as couples often do after an affair (the affair would serve as a wake-up call to the wife to be more sexual and adventurous, and the husband would try all the erotic things/postures that he did with me with his wife).

Have I destroyed my own marriage and helped his?

Any advice or comments would be much appreciated.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

My God. Really? You are worried your affair partner will have a better sex life than you? This is the very height of narcissism.

Do the poor husband a favor. Let him go find someone who wants to be with him and love and care for him, not someone who cheated with a married man, and now just wants to make sure if she stays, she's getting it harder and kinkier than her lover's wife.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You choose to see your husband three times a year and still consider that a marriage?

Confess to your husband.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I wouldn't worry about your AP.

He'll just move on to the next willing open pair of legs.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You cheated and betrayed your husband, and now the only thing you are worried about is that the other cheater is going to be happier than you ?

And what makes you think that his wife will just accept this and become more sexual ? What if she kicks him out and divorces him ?

Are you going to be honest with your husband and tell him about your cheating ?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are worried about your self that is what cheaters do. You should be worried about what you have done to your husband. You need to confess to him what has happened. I hope you feel bad about what you have done and do your best to make amends to him.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You held fire to your breast and thought you wouldn't get burned? There is no harmless, innocent way to commit adultery; not in the mind, not in the bed, not far away, not next door, not just one night, not for a long time. It's conduct that's harmful to a marriage, which is why it's forbidden in pretty much every culture. 
I don't know what ill-consequences will come of this conduct but there will be some. It's illogical to assume otherwise. I don't see the benefit of telling your husband. He knew it would be difficult (nearly impossible) to maintain a marriage over several years over several continents, with the barest of contact between husband and wife. Under the circumstances, about the best either of you could have hoped for is that you would return to an intact marriage, not a great marriage, not a close, intimate marriage, but one that was legally intact. You and he both should have figured you'd have to basically court each other all over again upon your return. He faced the same temptations and loneliness you faced. Hopefully, he was stronger than you but if he wasn't you have lost all reason to complain. Get yourself checked out medically. Go home. Learn from the experience and don't repeat it. I'd suggest you find a job that allows you both to actually have a relationship if a marriage is what you both want. If you insist on this prolonged long-distance arrangement, accept the fact that adultery will very likely be part of it.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

OMG, please read your post OP! Read what you wrote, disgusting....


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

What to even say to this...


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

I won't waste explanations on this adulterer for the same reason I don't read Shakespeare to my dogs . . .


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I was deployed twice and away from my wife over a year both times. The loneliness was just about unbearable for me and I'm sure it was probably even worse for her. I didn't stray but I also didn't have much opportunity to. My wife, on the other hand, faced basically unlimited opportunities. I don't have any reason to believe she did anything wrong and if she had I really don't want to know about it. She wouldn't have picked some other guy over me, it would have been a choice between some stranger comfort or no comfort. Again, I have no reason to suspect my wife is anything but a great, loyal, woman. If she had committed some act of indiscretion during that very difficult time, she wouldn't be doing me any favors by telling me. If tables had been reversed and she had been sent away for a couple years and I had an abundance of opportunities, I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to resist them all but I have no reason to know for sure unless I had been in her shoes. She didn't even know if I was alive from one day to the next. I can't even imagine that kind of loneliness and helplessness. At least I had work to keep my mind mostly occupied. 
Trying to keep a marriage going over extreme periods of absence isn't tea with the queen and unless someone has done so successfully, they aren't in a position to judge. 
What this woman did was wrong but it damaged herself more than anyone else. It probably would make her feel better to confess but relieving her guilty soul and dumping all that ugly onto her husband isn't going to help him a bit and it won't contribute to the future success of this marriage. What would be the advantage?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Many people on TAM are here because they have been cheated on, so they aren't very sympathetic to your situation. I am a bit more sympathetic, because you are alone for months at a time.

But 3 weeks a year? If that goes on for more than 1-2 years, that is insane and it means you don't really have a relationship at all. If you want your marriage to work, either you need to quit your job, or he needs to quit his job (I'm assuming he has one) and join you instead. Otherwise, let him go and find someone else closer to you (preferably not a married person!).


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes you have destroyed your own marriage!

my advice would be to fess up and get a divorce. go to therapy and find some morals.

when you feel like you could never do this again then start looking for a husband.


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## souling107 (Mar 19, 2013)

I thank everyone for their comments. I deserve the bashing 100%. I feel terrible about what wrong I have done to my husband. All he has done is love me and care for me. I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband. It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair. I am committed to restoring my marriage and I know what I need to do to achieve that. 

What really bothers me is, what is wrong with me? Why am I so worried about my AP's wife benefiting from this affair? Is it out of jealousy because I can't let go of AP and she gets to keep him?
(Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I was deployed twice and away from my wife over a year both times. The loneliness was just about unbearable for me and I'm sure it was probably even worse for her. I didn't stray but I also didn't have much opportunity to. My wife, on the other hand, faced basically unlimited opportunities. I don't have any reason to believe she did anything wrong and if she had I really don't want to know about it. She wouldn't have picked some other guy over me, it would have been a choice between some stranger comfort or no comfort. Again, I have no reason to suspect my wife is anything but a great, loyal, woman. If she had committed some act of indiscretion during that very difficult time, she wouldn't be doing me any favors by telling me. If tables had been reversed and she had been sent away for a couple years and I had an abundance of opportunities, I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to resist them all but I have no reason to know for sure unless I had been in her shoes. She didn't even know if I was alive from one day to the next. I can't even imagine that kind of loneliness and helplessness. At least I had work to keep my mind mostly occupied.
> Trying to keep a marriage going over extreme periods of absence isn't tea with the queen and unless someone has done so successfully, they aren't in a position to judge.
> What this woman did was wrong but it damaged herself more than anyone else. It probably would make her feel better to confess but relieving her guilty soul and dumping all that ugly onto her husband isn't going to help him a bit and it won't contribute to the future success of this marriage. What would be the advantage?


Did you even read her post? All she's worried about is if her lover's wife is going to be getting it better with the lover than she will with the hubby if they reconcile.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

souling107 said:


> I thank everyone for their comments. I deserve the bashing 100%. I feel terrible about what wrong I have done to my husband. All he has done is love me and care for me. I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband. It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair. I am committed to restoring my marriage and I know what I need to do to achieve that.
> 
> What really bothers me is, what is wrong with me? Why am I so worried about my AP's wife benefiting from this affair? Is it out of jealousy because I can't let go of AP and she gets to keep him?
> (Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)


Who are you to decide to keep your husband in the dark about the kind of woman he married? This is about YOU saving YOU, not in any way about you saving HIM. If you had an ounce of respect for him, you would give him the same choice that your lover's wife got. Dang, at least be honest enough with yourself to admit that.

What's wrong with you? Cheaters are self-absorbed narcissists.


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## GJfromCAN (Mar 1, 2013)

souling107 said:


> I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband.
> QUOTE]
> 
> Nice to see you keyed in on the only post that supported the easy way out for you. Why am I not suprised?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Lest just hope she doesn't contact your husband then eh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Souling, your AP does love his wife. He proved it by going home and confessing to her. She's got him because that's where he wants to be. You can bet they're having sex. The fact that he also has sex with you is just proof that he's dishonest...nothing more. There is no future in his life for you. Nothing to be gained by talking to him, hanging out with him, hoping, dreaming, fantasizing. You don't belong in his life and you never did. His wife has a lying cheater and that's her problem, not your's. You have enough drama on your own plate without borrowing his as well. He told you he's staying for the kids. You have no idea why he's really staying. He told you he's not having sex with his wife. You have no idea what goes on in his house. Don't deceive yourself by believing you are his preference and his bat of a wife is holding him hostage. You are being played and you've been played all along. You wanted a diversion and you got it. Leave it at that.


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## GJfromCAN (Mar 1, 2013)

Pardon me OP but could please explain how you could provide this advice to another poster...

"I think you did the right thing by leaving her. It sounds like she has no remorse over the affair and is protecting the OM..."

...and then think the best approach to rebuilding your marriage is to continue lying to your husband? Where is the remorse in that?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> You held fire to your breast and thought you wouldn't get burned?
> *
> Nice. Poetic even. Seriously. You are correct.*
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Theseus said:


> Many people on TAM are here because they have been cheated on, so they aren't very sympathetic to your situation. I am a bit more sympathetic, because you are alone for months at a time.
> 
> *But 3 weeks a year? If that goes on for more than 1-2 years, that is insane and it means you don't really have a relationship at all. If you want your marriage to work, either you need to quit your job, or he needs to quit his job (I'm assuming he has one) and join you instead. Otherwise, let him go and find someone else closer to you (preferably not a married person!).[*/QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

souling107 said:


> I thank everyone for their comments. I deserve the bashing 100%. I feel terrible about what wrong I have done to my husband. All he has done is love me and care for me. I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with *@Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband.* It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair. I am committed to restoring my marriage and I know what I need to do to achieve that.
> 
> What really bothers me is, what is wrong with me? Why am I so worried about my AP's wife benefiting from this affair? Is it out of jealousy because I can't let go of AP and she gets to keep him?
> (Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)


Taking your affair to the grave does nothing positive for your marriage. It does not undo what you have done. It changed you. It destroyed your marriage. You cannot fix it by hiding this. Because YOU know.

You dwelling on why you care about you AP is not even remotely an issue here. Of course you dwell on them. It was an affair. Duh? Your questions implies you wish to continue the affair.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

souling107 said:


> I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband. It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair.


You better take his user name under advisement, souling107. 

Don't hide your adultery from your husband thinking he won't ever find out. The truth has a way of forcing itself into your life, and if your husband finds out through some other means than your confession, you've got a much larger problem on your hands.

Been there, done that, got the blood-soaked T-shirt. 

Believe me, my wife's sexual contact with another man was forgiveable. That she broke bread with me and my children, slept in my bed, accepted my affection, and continued life as normal while purposefully hiding the details of her adultery, did far greater damage than the actual affair. 

Your husband is not a dog, a goldfish, or a houseplant whose environment and behavior you can control. He is a *man* who has an inherent, God-given *right* to know the *truth about his own life*, to include the true heart and character of the woman he married.

Follow unbelieveable's unbelievable advice at your great peril. You'll never have a day of peace in your heart, and every day you live a lie with your husband, the consequences of your adultery will compound.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I have no words. Your self-centered nature is thicker than pudding. I don't think you can be helped. And I'm not speaking in terms of your marriage, I mean as a person. This world is going to hell, and quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## souling107 (Mar 19, 2013)

JustGrinding said:


> You better take his user name under advisement, souling107.
> 
> Don't hide your adultery from your husband thinking he won't ever find out. The truth has a way of forcing itself into your life, and if your husband finds out through some other means than your confession, you've got a much larger problem on your hands.
> 
> ...


I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband. I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults. If I confess, he will sure leave me. (I know, you guys all think I deserve that).


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

souling107 said:


> (Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)


You don't know a thing. OM is a proven liar, why should he be honest with you? Are you that special? He's a cake eater. You were no more than the extra, the cake but you now nothing about his home life.
You have been sold the most usual lie married men tell their mistresses. 
And you are clearly displaying the usual mindset of the OW, way more than a wayward wife: competing with the legit woman in his life.

And your plan is having your husband in the dark? Steal him his right to decide, to plan his life with this obviously important piece of info? Why do you believe you have this right?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

souling107 said:


> I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband. I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults. If I confess, he will sure leave me. (I know, you guys all think I deserve that).


If you cared about your marriage you would not have separated this way but for sure you would not have carried on this affair. The only reason this matters to you is that you now have to go home and your AP is gone. So you now care about your husband Plan B.

Terrified? Come on. Really? Be honest with yourself. How terrified were you when you had your fling? You are broken hearted over you AP. 

What you deserve is besides the point. I am being pragmatic.

I am not bashing you but rather wanting to encourage you to take a long hard look in the mirror. Trust me. I had to.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

souling107 said:


> my affair will end soon


It's not even over.How can you even imply remorse at this time?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

souling107 said:


> I thank everyone for their comments. I deserve the bashing 100%. I feel terrible about what wrong I have done to my husband. All he has done is love me and care for me. I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband. It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair. I am committed to restoring my marriage and I know what I need to do to achieve that.
> 
> What really bothers me is, what is wrong with me? Why am I so worried about my AP's wife benefiting from this affair? Is it out of jealousy because I can't let go of AP and she gets to keep him?
> (Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)


Each and every sentence in this post deserve to be split into their own sections and have the following line beneath them:

"Did you believe in this lie you just told to yourself?"

Maybe you should stop thinking about your AP and start thinking about "how I got used so easily".

And your husband will eventually hear tell about your affair, make no mistake. Maybe a month later, maybe twenty years. He will hear all right.

Make something good out of all this fuss and tell your husband now. You decided to stab him in the back, be fair and give him the right to make the decision about taking that dagger out, healing and doing with it what he wills.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Keeping this secret is certainly not the easy way out others might imagine. It would be infinitely easier on the adulterer to confess and unload all that heavy guilt. If she unloads, what does her husband learn? That he married a human being who has social and sexual needs like every other person on earth? 
How many married soldiers do you suppose went to Vietnam or fought WWII but never visited a hooker? Would their marriages have been enhanced if they had came home and laid all that ugly crap on their wives? Too much time and distance encourages bad things to happen. Not an excuse, just reality. 
How would this man's life be enhanced even slightly by hearing this news? The OP might have a character as naturally loyal and faithful as any woman's on this board. Her marriage went through a ridiculously difficult test that most will never get. So, she get's a B or a C. You might have gotten an "F" on the same test. Those holier than the Pope have no idea what they'd do in similar circumstances. Don't judge me for killing if you haven't been in close combat. 
Maybe the guy has some inherent God-given right to know everything about everything. He also has specific God-given instruction on how to be a decent husband and run a household. Sending one's wife to another continent to work for years at a time isn't recommended in those instructions. He knew the risks and accepted them. Each of you are also assuming that her husband has been as pure as the driven snow. He may have even more guilt on his soul. The truth about his own life is he agreed to a marriage where had very little contact with his wife and the relationship has naturally suffered because of it. Even without the adultery, his marriage suffered. That was predictable and it was their joint choice to pick financial gain over marital stability. If the marriage was his most important concern, they would have spent those years together, even if it meant living in a box. She wasn't gone because she got military orders or her mother was dying. She left because they decided it was better financially or career-wise. Put the marriage in second place and you get what you get.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

tell you husband so he can go find a woman he deserves and not a selfish woman like you. you cheated your husband deserves better than you!!!!!!!!!!


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## GJfromCAN (Mar 1, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Keeping this secret is certainly not the easy way out others might imagine. It would be infinitely easier on the adulterer to confess and unload all that heavy guilt. If she unloads, what does her husband learn? That he married a human being who has social and sexual needs like every other person on earth?
> How many married soldiers do you suppose went to Vietnam or fought WWII but never visited a hooker? Would their marriages have been enhanced if they had came home and laid all that ugly crap on their wives? Too much time and distance encourages bad things to happen. Not an excuse, just reality.
> How would this man's life be enhanced even slightly by hearing this news? The OP might have a character as naturally loyal and faithful as any woman's on this board. Her marriage went through a ridiculously difficult test that most will never get. So, she get's a B or a C. You might have gotten an "F" on the same test. Those holier than the Pope have no idea what they'd do in similar circumstances. Don't judge me for killing if you haven't been in close combat.
> Maybe the guy has some inherent God-given right to know everything about everything. He also has specific God-given instruction on how to be a decent husband and run a household. Sending one's wife to another continent to work for years at a time isn't recommended in those instructions. He knew the risks and accepted them. Each of you are also assuming that her husband has been as pure as the driven snow. He may have even more guilt on his soul. The truth about his own life is he agreed to a marriage where had very little contact with his wife and the relationship has naturally suffered because of it. Even without the adultery, his marriage suffered. That was predictable and it was their joint choice to pick financial gain over marital stability. If the marriage was his most important concern, they would have spent those years together, even if it meant living in a box. She wasn't gone because she got military orders or her mother was dying. She left because they decided it was better financially or career-wise. Put the marriage in second place and you get what you get.


I agree with a portion of your post. The OP and her husband have placed an incredible strain on their marriage by choosing to live this way. This is something they BOTH agreed to. Is an affair in these circumstances an unforgivable act that only a demon would commit? NO. The OP's husband may also been having an affair for all we know.

My issue is with the fact that the OP is claiming remorse and yet:
1) She is continuing to assist the AP in deceiving his wife in a false reconciliation
2) She is planning to return to her husband to build a life that is based on lies. How many times do we have to read that being cheated on was horrible, but the years of lies were devestating?

The OP could certainly deceive her husband for a few miserable years. If it ever comes out that those years will be completely wasted for both her husband, AND FOR HER.

Telling the truth WILL be awful. And PROBABLY WILL end her marriage. If it does, then they can both start again on relationships that won't have this elephant in the room. If it doesn't then perhaps they can build a REAL life together, not one based on lies.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

souling107 said:


> I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband.


I don't care how you feel.



souling107 said:


> I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults.


Boy, does this speak volumes: "I am remorseful as my affair will end soon . . ." Yep. Very clear where your "remorse" lies.



souling107 said:


> I want to redeem my faults.


How the hell do you reach redemption without offering compensation to your victims? 



souling107 said:


> If I confess, he will sure leave me.


His decision and his inherent right. You, on the other hand, have no right to deprive him of information he needs to make this decision.



souling107 said:


> (I know, you guys all think I deserve that).


This doesn't have a damn thing to do with you or what you deserve. I couldn't care less what happens to you. I care about your victims.

(I hope you noticed that little "s" I keep tacking on the end of "victim." You've victimized your husband, POSOM's wife, and his innocent kids. You've possibly destroyed two families, and you still sit cry about how badly YOU feel, and how frightened you are of your own well-earned consequences. Disgusting!)


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

souling107 said:


> Could someone please set my head straight... I am in a mental mess! I seriously need help.


Well, the above statements are certainly true. 

You are still deep in the affair. 

Your relationship with your husband will be different. I am sure he will notice a change in your relationship. Especially if you are grieving the loss of your affair partner, and experiencing jealousy over his marriage and his having sex with his wife. (Just wow :slap

I suppose there is always the possibility that your husband has also sought comfort with someone in your absence. How would you feel about that? I think you need to be honest with your husband. He should have the choice whether or not he wants to stay married to a cheater.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

souling107 said:


> I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband. I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults. If I confess, he will sure leave me. (I know, you guys all think I deserve that).



I am a former WS who is nearly 10 months into reconciliation with my husband..... I may possibly be one of the most, genuinely, compassionate and empathetic people on TAM towards WS's who are, honestly, trying to reconcile their marriages..... for the right reasons. 

But, *please* do not say *"I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults."* and expect compassion and understanding for your cause. *Please* read what you wrote. Do not say that *you are remorseful* for your actions, and then say that *your affair will end soon *in the same sentence, and expect for anyone not to see through that. *IF *you were remorseful for your affair, you would have already ended it. If you really wanted to redeem your faults then you would end it now, confess to your husband, and accept the responsibility and consequences for your actions.

The are only two things that you appear to be sorry about and that is that your affair is ending and your soon to be ex-AP will be having better sex with his wife, which he was probably already having all along.... since his wife knew of his infidelity with you and very likely amped up the hysterical bonding right after D-Day. The other is that you, per your own words, are terrified of losing your husband??? Why??? You have absolutely given no indication in any of your posts that you love or respect him at all. It's all about you. That is no basis for reconciliation.

You asked for advice. Here it is. End the affair..... NOW.... this very moment. Then, leave your AP and his wife alone..... forever. Go home. Confess to your husband and tell him that you don't love him..... because you don't. Give him a quick divorce and wish him well. Then, leave him alone. Find the best counselor available and get into intensive therapy. Figure out why you're so selfish so that you never do this to anyone ever again. Don't get involved with anyone else until you do. 

That's my advice........ I'm sorry that I can't offer you anything more encouraging, but I don't see anything in your actions worthy of encouragement.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

souling107 said:


> I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. We can only hope. Every morning when you look into a mirror, ask yourself "will today be the day he finds out?"
> 
> But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband. Really? You have been [email protected] a married man for the last year. If you were truly concerned about your husbands feelings you would have remained faithful.
> 
> ...


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You want to keep lying to your husband so that he will remain with you. You are sure that he would be disgusted about the real you, the person hiding behind the lies. You don't respect him as a person or a human being. What did he do to deserve a person like you in his life ?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

JustGrinding said:


> I don't care how you feel.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow! Remember forum rules!
As much as we all hate cheating around here, the lady has come here for advise and support NOT to be attacked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

OP you really do need to tell your H. It's really doesn't sound like you had much of a marriage anyway, only seeing each other 3 times a year! Is that really a marriage?
You are jealous of the APs wife because you still want him and I guess the A has come to and end because he has at last done the right thing and ended it.
Leave him alone now to try and salvage his own marriage.
Do the right thing now, tell your husband and see where it goes from there. 
It's going to take a lot of guts and courage to do this, but it's really for the best.
It WILL catch up with you one day so it's better to come from you, now, than in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

EI said:


> I am a former WS who is nearly 10 months into reconciliation with my husband..... I may possibly be one of the most, genuinely, compassionate and empathetic people on TAM towards WS's who are, honestly, trying to reconcile their marriages..... for the right reasons.
> 
> But, *please* do not say *"I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults."* and expect compassion and understanding for your cause. *Please* read what you wrote. Do not say that *you are remorseful* for your actions, and then say that *your affair will end soon *in the same sentence, and expect for anyone not to see through that. *IF *you were remorseful for your affair, you would have already ended it. If you really wanted to redeem your faults then you would end it now, confess to your husband, and accept the responsibility and consequences for your actions.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Well said, EI. Diplomatic and to the point.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

souling107 said:


> I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband. I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults. If I confess, he will sure leave me. (I know, you guys all think I deserve that).


You think you husband won't find out? That's what married2012 thought. Her thread is current. You should read it.

Now she has to face the consequences of him finding out from someone else, 6 years after the fact.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Madame:

Please envisage:

You go home. Keep your secret. After a few days, your husband tells you that he had been having sex with the twin girls across the street, who are 20 years younger than you two, and are insatiable nymphomaniacs. And he hopes that you understand, there being so much distance and time gap between you two and all that. And his worry is that after the twins, whether he would be satisfied with you sexually.


Your AP goes away on an official tour, returns a day before schedule, and finds his 65-year old neighbor in his wife’s bed, receiving a sexual favour that he himself never got. And she tells him: but honey, we NEVER have sex, as you told your OW. I need it too, don’t I?

Then, you learn that your AP’s wife and your Betrayed Husband are planning a wild horizontal get-together. But afterwards, they would return to their respective spouses, because they love them still.

*Fair enough?
*


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you need to get yourself some help. Certainly, you should tell your H because he absolutely has the right to make his own decisions about his life, and he deserves real information in order to make those decisions. Why should he be the celibate, faithful one waiting months and months while you're away at work, while you satisfy your needs with a MM?

That being said, my feeling is that you have layered dysfunction on dysfunction in your life and require professional help at this point to unwind it all:

- A marriage where you see one another a few times a year. Check.
- An affair with a married man. Check.
- Jealousy that the OMW will 'benefit' from the kinky, great sex you've had with the OM. Check. 
- Breaking off the affair only when the time is up, not from a sense of doing the right thing. Check.

I don't see this as your being somehow a genetically bad person, just someone who has made some bad life decisions that put her into a selfish affair mindset. Your way of thinking is now hopelessly skewed, though. Your point about the OMW is truly off-base. You need a wake-up call and some effective therapy from a professional.

(This thinking - the type that makes a well-adjusted person listen, process, and then say to him/herself, "Wait...what??" - reminds me of the time my BIL was arrested for D&D. He was completely sober the next day and explained that while he was handcuffed and in the back of the police cruiser the night before, one of the cops in front 'smiled' at him, so he just had to kick out the side door. What else could he do?, he asked me in all seriousness. See, it was obvious.)


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Keeping this secret is certainly not the easy way out others might imagine. It would be infinitely easier on the adulterer to confess and unload all that heavy guilt. If she unloads, what does her husband learn?  That he married a human being who has social and sexual needs like every other person on earth?
> How many married soldiers do you suppose went to Vietnam or fought WWII but never visited a hooker? Would their marriages have been enhanced if they had came home and laid all that ugly crap on their wives? Too much time and distance encourages bad things to happen. Not an excuse, just reality.
> How would this man's life be enhanced even slightly by hearing this news? The OP might have a character as naturally loyal and faithful as any woman's on this board. Her marriage went through a ridiculously difficult test that most will never get. So, she get's a B or a C. You might have gotten an "F" on the same test. Those holier than the Pope have no idea what they'd do in similar circumstances. Don't judge me for killing if you haven't been in close combat.
> Maybe the guy has some inherent God-given right to know everything about everything. He also has specific God-given instruction on how to be a decent husband and run a household. Sending one's wife to another continent to work for years at a time isn't recommended in those instructions. He knew the risks and accepted them. Each of you are also assuming that her husband has been as pure as the driven snow. He may have even more guilt on his soul. The truth about his own life is he agreed to a marriage where had very little contact with his wife and the relationship has naturally suffered because of it. Even without the adultery, his marriage suffered. That was predictable and it was their joint choice to pick financial gain over marital stability. If the marriage was his most important concern, they would have spent those years together, even if it meant living in a box. She wasn't gone because she got military orders or her mother was dying. She left because they decided it was better financially or career-wise. Put the marriage in second place and you get what you get.


I'll agree with you about the husband being an enabler of this affair by agreeing that his wife should take this job out of the country for long stretches of separation. It's far from clear if the husband "pushed" her to do this or if she jumped at the chance to do this. Either way, one of them should have said NFW, or the husband should have moved out to the other country with his wife. 

Having said all that, to compare the wife taking this job to a soldier fighting in Vietnam is a stupid comparison. The wife obviously has a choice as to whether she would take the job overseas or not. The soldiers in your example had no choice. No one wanted to go to Vietnam. So the comparison fails.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

souling107 said:


> I realize that the truth has its way of revealing itself. But on the other hand, I am terrified of losing my husband. *I am remorseful as my affair will end soon and I want to redeem my faults.* If I confess, he will sure leave me. (I know, you guys all think I deserve that).


Such a contradictory phrase. 
How can be you remorseful while you are still cheating and plan to keep cheating until the very day you go back home pmnñy to have your husband in the dark?
Can you say delusional?
Good Lord!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Souling, having an affair is one of the most stressful things one can do. It screws with your head, confuses your goals and priorities, makes you question everything about everything. It's terribly destructive, mostly to yourself. In one sentence you can't imagine going back to your husband and the next you can't bear the thought of your marriage ending but you also can't imagine thinking about whatever the OM is doing with his old lady. The OM isn't even an option for you. He's gone back to his wife. He nails you on the side (and might be nailing one or two other women besides his wife on the side. He's a liar and a cheat, so he's perfectly capable).
Leave that poison. Sure, it'll be a change. Sure, it'll be uncomfortable, maybe painful..briefly. Once you're away from it you'll see how completely pointless it was and how foolish you've been. This guy has a wife and kids. The best possible scenario for everybody is for him to go back to his wife and kids and be what he promised to be. Any other possible scenario is, at best, second place. Even if, by some miracle, this clown dumped his family for you all you'd get would be an untrustworthy cheat and that's all he'd get. You'd get promoted to the position of despised other woman in the eyes of his kids (and their kids) for the rest of your life and beyond. Weddings, graduations, funerals, births of grandkids would all be strained, complicated, and less wonderful because of you. There can be no happy ending involving you in this guy's life. 
Take the high road and dump this other guy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Another former cheater here, and as others have said... The level of your remorse is clear from the fact that you haven't yet ended the affair, and you're only concerned about protecting your butt and the OM's relationship. Stop lieing to yourself; until you can be honest with yourself, you might as well not bother with getting back together with your husband.

I vote for either telling your husband and trying to rebuild the marriage from that point, or don't go back to him. Keeping the truth from him is only done to protect yourself. If you wanted to protect him, you wouldn't have cheated in the first place.

C


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Souling,

Since you said you would "take this to the grave" and not tell your husband the truth, would you then be OK if during this time he was also having an affair, and was never going to tell you ? And like you, was also upset that he was losing his AP ?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

souling107 said:


> I am worried that I wouldn't be attracted to my husband sexually anymore.


Lots of unhelpful replies! A new member looking for help and all they get is a beat down.

I'll try to answer as best I can.

Sounds like you're worrying yourself to death over something that hasn't happened yet. You don't know that you won't be attracted to your husband and you don't know that the OM will successfully reconcile with his wife. Odds are since she knows about the affair she'll end up leaving him, if not there will still be major problems between the two of them for years to come. No way the affair will make things better for them. 

You're just going to have to see what happens and don't make yourself sick with worry over how you might feel when you get back into bed with hubby.

Everything could be just fine, even better than before you left, for all you know.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

souling107 said:


> I thank everyone for their comments. I deserve the bashing 100%. I feel terrible about what wrong I have done to my husband. All he has done is love me and care for me. I am guilty, and I am very sorry to my husband. I agree with @Unbelievable that I will take this affair to the grave and never to tell my husband. It will only do him harm and our marriage will be beyond repair. I am committed to restoring my marriage and I know what I need to do to achieve that.
> 
> What really bothers me is, what is wrong with me? Why am I so worried about my AP's wife benefiting from this affair? Is it out of jealousy because I can't let go of AP and she gets to keep him?
> (Just a little more information: AP's wife found out about this affair a month into it. AP confessed. Wife forgave him. AP continues the affair behind her back. AP does not love her anymore, no sex life with her. He chooses to stay in the marriage because of the kids.)


your AP is lying through his teeth I'll bet he bangs his wife when ever he get the chance. and then come over your place and bangs you when ever he get the chance.


you seem to be more worried about your AP after affair life than your own....thats just f'ed up.


I can gaurentee that at some point in time your husband will find out about it and when you least expect it expect it. and you will have ruined his whole life letting him believe you really loved him all thease years! 

your not in love with your husband and you don't deserve him!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OW ! OW! OW!

This is too incredibly painful to read all the replies.

What a selfish, selfish lady


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Keeping this secret is certainly not the easy way out others might imagine. It would be infinitely easier on the adulterer to confess and unload all that heavy guilt. If she unloads, what does her husband learn? That he married a human being who has social and sexual needs like every other person on earth?
> How many married soldiers do you suppose went to Vietnam or fought WWII but never visited a hooker? Would their marriages have been enhanced if they had came home and laid all that ugly crap on their wives? Too much time and distance encourages bad things to happen. Not an excuse, just reality.
> How would this man's life be enhanced even slightly by hearing this news? The OP might have a character as naturally loyal and faithful as any woman's on this board. Her marriage went through a ridiculously difficult test that most will never get. So, she get's a B or a C. You might have gotten an "F" on the same test. Those holier than the Pope have no idea what they'd do in similar circumstances. Don't judge me for killing if you haven't been in close combat.
> Maybe the guy has some inherent God-given right to know everything about everything. He also has specific God-given instruction on how to be a decent husband and run a household. Sending one's wife to another continent to work for years at a time isn't recommended in those instructions. He knew the risks and accepted them. Each of you are also assuming that her husband has been as pure as the driven snow. He may have even more guilt on his soul. The truth about his own life is he agreed to a marriage where had very little contact with his wife and the relationship has naturally suffered because of it. Even without the adultery, his marriage suffered. That was predictable and it was their joint choice to pick financial gain over marital stability. If the marriage was his most important concern, they would have spent those years together, even if it meant living in a box. She wasn't gone because she got military orders or her mother was dying. She left because they decided it was better financially or career-wise. Put the marriage in second place and you get what you get.


Sympathy for the devil will get you nowhere in this forum. Until you've been the BS, you have no idea what damage infidelity causes.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Wow. This is all just about you. You are in total damage control and do not wish to entertain any consequences to your actions. By not telling him then you are continuing to humiliate and disrespect him in the worst possible way and continue to play him for a fool.

Your actions continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for your husband and it is just all about you not suffering any consequences for your actions. I feel very sorry for your husband who has a wife who continues to lie to him. It is NOT just about you!!!

P.S. I do hope you both have been tested for STD's. My guess is that you were still having sex with the OM and only stopped when your husband came to visit and then immediately resumed when your husband left. Please don't say you love your husband because your actions show just the opposite. You will not even give the poor man a chance to make a decision pertaining to his life as well. You are a real piece of work.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

This isn't going to sink through.... or any other post for that matter. You are right in the middle of an Affair that means more to you then your marriage. 

I am also a cheater a serial one, so I am telling you this because I have experienced exactly what you are experiencing....

First off, your AP is not in a loveless marriage just for the kids, he is playing you, it is what cheaters do. His W finds out and he stays with her.... but since she didn't go ballistic on him, he got to keep you too. It is called cake eating and it is what he wants. His family and a piece on the side.... and I hate to tell you, that is all you really are to him. Believe me I have been there, I did what he is doing to you. I would say I loved them, that it sucks cause we are meant to be together but I can't hurt my children, I wish things were different, or whatever worked to get my AP's sucked in... all lies.

Next, this is all just a fantasy, and believe me again, if or when your H, family, friends, coworkers everyone who respected you and loved you finds out.... fantasy gone, reality hits you like a bat to the face and you will become disgusted by the AP, disgusted by your own actions, and really really really wishing you had your own life back....

READ THIS OVER AND OVER 
Again really really really wishing you had your life back.

I know because instead of being where you are at, I am where you are headed.

Facts are facts and cheaters like us end up sorely dissappointed by our actions, the statistics vouch for that.... look them up.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Bishop have you learned? Have you stopped? When did you (if you did) feel genuine remorse?


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> Bishop have you learned? Have you stopped? *When did you (if you did) feel genuine remorse*?


Yes. I am currently seperated with little to no chance of getting her and my family back.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

The bishop said:


> Yes. I am currently seperated with little to no chance of getting her and my family back.


So please tell this poster what true remorse looked like?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So the comparison fails.


It fails on many levels, the main is the two wrongs metaphor. The Husband being good or bad doesn't determine a person's own moral compass. He could be the most evil person in the world, you still don't do something wrong because the other person is morally bankrupt.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> So please tell this poster what true remorse looked like?


Mm. Wake me up when OP gets the idea, even the faintest one.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Mm. Wake me up when OP gets the idea, even the faintest one.


Yeap. I can tell her until I am blue in the face and it won't make any difference. She will have to experience it on her own to really know and feel it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Inland, I have been the betrayed spouse...matter of fact, a couple times (not from my current wife). I've been around a long time and there's little I've missed. I haven't actually given birth and I haven't been hanged but I expect to get around to both before it's over.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Wow - unbelievable. Maybe time has helped you heal better than I have. I have very little pity for the WS.

Sorry to you, and anyone who gets to live this hell.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Souling, are you still there? There are lots of helpful WS (wayward spouse) and BS (betrayed spouse) on this site. But the first thing anyone needs to know would be is your priority coming clean to your husband or lying for the rest of your life? The first will be better for you in the long term, the second only has short term gains. On top of that, your husband deserves to make the choice to be with you. He needs all of the information (as in your affair) before he can make an informed decision. 

I am a WW (wayward wife) going through some rough emotional times after coming into contact with om again, and even *I* in my torn up state see the RIDICULOUSNESS of your claim that you are remorseful now that your affair is coming to an end. And worrying about om's marriage is like the biggest exercise in futility at this point. 

Honey, your marriage is ON THE LINE. The sex life of this other guy is NOT what is important here!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Inland, I'm happier than a hog in slop. I've never lost any woman worth having. Sure, I was bitter, hurt, even suicidal for a time but the world kept turning, God gave me something better. I learned from the experience and I've got more gravy on my biscuits now than any mortal man deserves.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I think she's had enough but I'd like a chance to chime in, just incase.
NPD, look it up, please. There are many levels of NPD and we all need a little to be healthy but you are way past the healthy amount.
Marriage is not a selfish relationship, it is a SELFLESS relationship. You are so caught up on YOU, you fail to see any of the pain you have caused to anybody else. Seek a good therapist and be honest with him!! You don't have a chance in your marriage if you aren't honest with your husband asap! Lie to him at this point and it will only proove what a real whacko you are. And being honest still isn't enough, you have to work at being faithful, building trust, and being transparent for as long as your husband needs to recover the wife he thought he married.
Seeing how you always worry about YOU, and getting good sex for YOU, I believe your NPD will take over and YOU will make a TRUTH YOU can live with. You don't care who gets hurt, as long as it isn't YOU!!
Mouse


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why not set your husband free by divorcing him. Tell him that you chose to have sex with the OM and that all this time that he waited for you faithfully he has been a fool and wasting his life.

He can then move on and stop wasting his time waiting for the faithful wife that doesn't exist to return to him

It sounds like you gave more passionate and wilder sex to your AP than you ever gave or will ever give to your husband, again, why not be kind and set him free so he too can find a love that will give those things to him. You've already given that all away, and denied him so why not free him from the lies and tell the truth.

Btw, you aren't ending the affair, in your heart you would still be sleeping in the other mans bed if the two of you weren't being separated.

You aren't returning to your husband to be his faithful loving companion either, you care more about the trashy OM and his feelings than you do your husbands. You are going to stay in contact with the OM and you are going to take every opportunity that press itself to meet with the OM and continue the affair.

So why not be honest with your husband, tell him you have left him and that chose to cheat on him. Give him an uncontested divorce and truly wish him luck in finding a wife who loves him.

That will let you be free to wait for the scumbag OMs wife to find out and divorce his worthless butt. Then you won't have to be jealous of her anymore.

See, I do not hear any remorse in your words. I hear just regret that you will separated from the scumbag OM, and I hear no worry or regret for the pain you chose to inflict on your husband.

Why should your husband be subjected to living with a woman who wants another and not him? Why should he waste his love and passion on someone who cannot return it?

My advice: set him free with the truth he deserves.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, a truly remorseful person would have already ended the affair, but I know you haven't. You are still sharing his bed, and you will be sharing until the very last night.

So please do not say you are remorseful. If you want to be remorseful then you would end the affair NOW and you would end permanently all contact with the OM.

We both know you aren't going to do that right? So no remorse. Remorse changes a person inside, it makes the thing they are remorseful repugnant and hideous to them. It becomes something they are incapable of ever doing again.

You are still with the OM, you are still sharing his bed and betraying your husband who is waiting for you. You are not remorseful.

My advice is to truly be honest with yourself and your husband. Right now you are lying to both of you.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

This is the advice you left on another thread:

*I think you did the right thing by leaving her. It sounds like she has no remorse over the affair and is protecting the OM. Don't worry about your kids growing up with separated parents. Studies show that it all depends on how you two handle the relationships with the kids. 
*
Is that the advice you would give your husband? You came here to receive advice about your own situation. My advice is to tell your husband. My advice is to do the right thing. You give a total stranger advice, telling him that he was right to leave her because his wife has no remorse over the affair ... and yet you won't afford your own husband, the person you are supposed to care about, the same opportunity.

I don't know if you completely understand remorse. If you had true remorse you would have ended the affair. You certainly don't seem to care one bit about what you and your AP have done to the AP's wife or their family. You just care that he has better sex with her. You don't understand what remorse is.

BTW, he is lying to you. FACT: they never stopped having sex. It just wasn't as good for him as affair sex. What was he going to say? That when he gets home after being with you he has great sex with his wife? He wouldn't say that because then you wouldn't have sex with him and that is what he wanted. It is a hard truth but it is THE truth. 

I agree with the other posters. Tell him and give him a quick divorce. Then work on yourself. I am not religious but I would say you have lived a sinful life; you haven't just made a mistake, you have really led an immoral life. I really hope for the best and that you can learn from this, become a better person and have a good future. 

As my mother would say "sounds like you need a good swift kick in the a$$"


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Souling, while I think it was not fair towards your husband to have an affair, however, I believe the probability that your husband also had sex outside of marriage is really high… Usually it’s more difficult for men to stay faithful in a long-distance relationship…


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gee. Cake eating 101.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> I was deployed twice and away from my wife over a year both times. The loneliness was just about unbearable for me and I'm sure it was probably even worse for her. I didn't stray but I also didn't have much opportunity to. My wife, on the other hand, faced basically unlimited opportunities. I don't have any reason to believe she did anything wrong and if she had I really don't want to know about it. She wouldn't have picked some other guy over me, it would have been a choice between some stranger comfort or no comfort. Again, I have no reason to suspect my wife is anything but a great, loyal, woman. If she had committed some act of indiscretion during that very difficult time, she wouldn't be doing me any favors by telling me. If tables had been reversed and she had been sent away for a couple years and I had an abundance of opportunities, I'd like to think I'd be strong enough to resist them all but I have no reason to know for sure unless I had been in her shoes. She didn't even know if I was alive from one day to the next. I can't even imagine that kind of loneliness and helplessness. At least I had work to keep my mind mostly occupied.
> Trying to keep a marriage going over extreme periods of absence isn't tea with the queen and unless someone has done so successfully, they aren't in a position to judge.
> What this woman did was wrong but it damaged herself more than anyone else. It probably would make her feel better to confess but relieving her guilty soul and dumping all that ugly onto her husband isn't going to help him a bit and it won't contribute to the future success of this marriage. What would be the advantage?


Uhhhh, unlike. He deserves to have the knowledge his wife betrayed him and then to make the decision to kick her to the curb or attempt to R and rebuild. If I were the BS, I'd choose the former.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Zombie thread!


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

A wise woman once said:



EI said:


> Go home. Confess to your husband and tell him that you don't love him..... because you don't. Give him a quick divorce and wish him well. Then, leave him alone. Find the best counselor available and get into intensive therapy. Figure out why you're so selfish so that you never do this to anyone ever again. Don't get involved with anyone else until you do.


Souling107, do you know how inconsistent you sound,



souling107 said:


> I am very happy with my husband and marriage.
> 
> I will be moving back home to be with my husband very soon, which means my affair will come to an end. I am worried that I wouldn't be attracted to my husband sexually anymore.


If you're truly seeking advice, be honest. You're not fooling anybody.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Ovid said:


> Zombie thread!


I see that now. I'm down two for two.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I am very happy with my husband and marriage.


*Yeah. So much so you cheat on him for 49 weeks of every year!*


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