# Asking “permission” from your spouse



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

A dear childhood friend texted and said she was in town for a brief moment and knows it is last minute but wanted to see if i could meet up with her at the brewery last evening. I texted my husband and asked how he felt about that. He replied “Sure, why would you not want to see Friend?” His reply after that is what I am questioning.

H: I don’t understand why you feel you have to ask me

Me: Because we are married and it is rude to make plans without asking your spouse

H: I get that part. It sounded like you were asking permission in my head. No big deal.

Me: I was asking permission. If you weren’t comfortable with it or wanted me home for whatever reason I would’ve said no

My husband is in recovery for alcohol so I don’t think asking him if he is okay with me going to a brewery is stretch. I admit I am codependent and can struggle in our new normal, but to me this just seems like a normal, polite thing to do. Or am I so far down the codependent rabbit hole that I don’t see what’s wrong?

Do people really just inform their spouse they are doing something out of the norm? I am not asking his permission like he is my parent, I am asking for his buy-in as my partner out of respect. In my first marriage I did what I wanted, when I wanted and just “informed”. It didn’t work out so well. In this marriage (10 years) I rarely go out, but when I do I ask “hey are you okay if I go to X with X?

Maybe it is just semantics but this is bothering me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I honestly think you did the correct thing -- not sure why he was so defensive about this -- has he been controlling in the past?

I don't see what you did as ANY sort of issue.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bluesclues said:


> Do people really just inform their spouse they are doing something out of the norm?


Gosh I had to think about this one.

A few weeks ago, a friend was looking to arrange when a couple of us could get together, then on a whim, she asked me 'Are you free tonight?' I told her that I was and we arranged to meet. I told Batman along the lines of (obviously without the creative names), 'Harley Quinn just invited me and Poison Ivy to go to the bar tonight at 8pm.' He replied, 'That's great, babe!' Then discussion about how I was getting there and home. He offered to drive Harley and I so that we could drink but instead she drove us. Then brief conversation about what time him and I would have dinner together so that I'd be ready on time.

That's a fairly typical interaction that would occur between us; granted, not that impromptu bar meetups happen that often with my friends. He might tell me, 'Tomorrow, the Joker and I are checking out a burger place.' I'll reply, 'Cool, which one/what time?' ...and that's really just as I'm a bit of a details kinda person and taking an interest. Depending on what I'm doing, he might ask if I want to join.

Yeah, thinking more about this we more inform the other, rather than asking. 'Hey, tomorrow morning I'm picking up Batgirl and we're walking at that certain park.' He would respond, 'Nice one' or something similar. Then I'd offer to pick him up a coffee on my way back.

The asking would occur if we're aware there might be some conflicting priorities or plans, or if it's us with friends. Like, 'Commissioner Gordon has invited us to dinner that night, are you cool with that / want to go?' and then respond to the inviter. Maybe it depends on context.

Not sure that how we roll will help with how you feel though. How was the brewery?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Thinking about this more, how did you initially frame your question to him about going?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If the time does not encroach on time we spend together I will inform rather than ask.

If it does dip into time we would normally spend together then I would always ask unless it is something where I have no choice like a work event which is required.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Gosh I had to think about this one.
> 
> A few weeks ago, a friend was looking to arrange when a couple of us could get together, then on a whim, she asked me 'Are you free tonight?' I told her that I was and we arranged to meet. I told Batman along the lines of (obviously without the creative names), 'Harley Quinn just invited me and Poison Ivy to go to the bar tonight at 8pm.' He replied, 'That's great, babe!' Then discussion about how I was getting there and home. He offered to drive Harley and I so that we could drink but instead she drove us. Then brief conversation about what time him and I would have dinner together so that I'd be ready on time.
> 
> ...


This is exactly my wife and I. We don't really ask permission. We basically check in to make sure one of us didn't forget some prior commitment.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I definitely never asked for permission when I was married but there are different ways to inform and some are more considerate than others.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> Gosh I had to think about this one.
> 
> A few weeks ago, a friend was looking to arrange when a couple of us could get together, then on a whim, she asked me 'Are you free tonight?' I told her that I was and we arranged to meet. I told Batman along the lines of (obviously without the creative names), 'Harley Quinn just invited me and Poison Ivy to go to the bar tonight at 8pm.' He replied, 'That's great, babe!' Then discussion about how I was getting there and home. He offered to drive Harley and I so that we could drink but instead she drove us. Then brief conversation about what time him and I would have dinner together so that I'd be ready on time.
> 
> ...


The brewery was good, although we didn’t realize the place shut down at 8 on weekdays so we weren’t there long. They let us linger to finish our drinks and flatbreads. This friend is one of the most amazing, inspiring people on earth and her visit was a lift I needed. 

Your examples of “informing” sound healthy to me. We talked more when he got home (before I went out) and he basically said that he was controlling and abusive before recovery and didn’t understand why I was upset at him now that he was NOT being controlling and abusive. And I think that is my issue - he is moving on to healthy behaviors and I am stuck in our past dysfunction. I don’t know how to react, how to be with sober, non-abusive him. Crap.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Asking permission? Hahahahahaha. No. Checking in with hubby to make sure we don't have any plans/see how he's feeling/would he mind if I went? Yep, every time. 

He does the same. He used to ask me and end it with "Is that ok?" I'd be like, "Can you please not ask my permission, lol, I'm not your mother. Just check we don't already have plans, let me know where you're going and what time you'll be home and that's it". (His first wife used to make him feel terrible for wanting to go out with his friends, that's where it stems from).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> If the time does not encroach on time we spend together I will inform rather than ask.
> 
> If it does dip into time we would normally spend together then I would always ask unless it is something where I have no choice like a work event which is required.


I agree with this. My bf and I don't live together and this still applies. He wanted to go to a concert with his brother during time we'd normally spend together so he asked if I was ok with that. I thought it was a nice courtesy and would have done the same.

If it's not time we'd usually be together I feel like I can do what I want, provided it's not something one in a relationship shouldn't be doing.

Bar hopping and chatting up men comes to mind.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree with this. My bf and I don't live together and this still applies. He wanted to go to a concert without his brother during time we'd normally spend together so he asked if I was ok with that. I thought it was a nice courtesy and would havr done the same.
> 
> If it's not time we'd usually be together I feel like I can do what I want, provided it's not something one in a relationship shouldn't be doing.
> 
> Bar hopping and chatting up men comes to mind.


As an example yesterday a friend needed a ride to a procedure and for me to pick him up after. I had it on my calendar for two weeks but I told my wife I was doing it a couple days ago because it didn’t effect her in any way and I didn’t want her to have useless info in her head she would forget anyway.

Usually I take my wife everywhere unless she doesn’t want to go. I am way more likely to opt out of things than she is, although I have made massive changes to go along with her even to things I greatly dislike.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

We do no ask permission from each other but we tell each other always what each of us will be doing if we deviate from our usual routine such as stepping in the store we did not plan to go to. We always send text each other before we leave work to go home or when we come to work despite having Life360 on our phones.

This is just normal respect for each other.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

Openminded said:


> I definitely never asked for permission when I was married but there are different ways to inform and some are more considerate than others.


I agree and this goes for other people important in your life. My mother used to inform of family dinners late in the afternoon after I've made other plans. I guess she was always looking ways to be rude to me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Bluesclues said:


> My husband is in recovery for alcohol so I don’t think asking him if he is okay with me going to a brewery is stretch.


Ugh. Don't ask for "permission" - he's not your daddy.

Secondly, HE'S the one who abused alcohol, *not* you. Again, you don't need daddy's permission to have a damned beer. That's a foolish precedent to set for yourself and one day you WILL regret it if you enjoy a drink with friends or wine with dinner and you start depriving yourself of that simple life pleasure only because HE can't handle his liquor. That falls under the "too bad, so sad" life category.

All this falling on the sword and pandering to him will get you nowhere in the end. Just stop it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You were only being courteous by informing him and if he had any objections like he had already committed the couple time to something else, that was his opportunity to speak up. It isn't asking for permission per se, it's seeing if it would conflict with any unknown obligations/plans.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh. Don't ask for "permission" - he's not your daddy.
> 
> Secondly, HE'S the one who abused alcohol, *not* you. Again, you don't need daddy's permission to have a damned beer. That's a foolish precedent to set for yourself and one day you WILL regret it if you enjoy a drink with friends or wine with dinner and you start depriving yourself of that simple life pleasure only because HE can't handle his liquor. That falls under the "too bad, so sad" life category.
> 
> All this falling on the sword and pandering to him will get you nowhere in the end. Just stop it.


I have a different opinion. First, it is polite to at least discuss plans with your spouse. Discussing them doesn't mean you need to ask permission, but you do need to at least inform them to find out if it will create a problem. For example, if her H had planned a surprise for her (flowers, special dinner, etc.) and she just didn't show up or called at the last moment that could lead to quite a bad situation.

Now, the part of what this woman did that I didn't like is that she is meeting her old school friend at a BREWERY. Her H is a recovering alcoholic. That means that if he had wanted to meet this old friend, he couldn't or shouldn't put himself in a position of alcohol temptation. He might have wanted to tag along to learn who this dear friend was that means so much to his wife. 

Also one of the sad truths I learned long ago is if one part of a couple is an alcoholic, the other partner may also have a drinking problem. I could be wrong, but I think it is more common than most like to admit. If so and the W comes home after too much beer at the brewery, what is that going to do to the progress that the husband is trying to make in his recovery. If he understands that, it could be why he was so prickly about things. He may feel challenged.

The OP does not need to ask permission, but I think she should have suggested a meeting at a coffee shop, tea room or restaurant and then asked her husband if he would like to tag along, although telling him that he might feel like a fifth wheel. Discussing your plans with your life partner is not seeking their permission nor turning them into a parent figure.

Just my opinion.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Bluesclues said:


> Do people really just inform their spouse they are doing something out of the norm? I am not asking his permission like he is my parent, I am asking for his buy-in as my partner out of respect.


I generally don't just inform my husband. I phrase it something like "Hey, I was thinking of going to do XYZ this afternoon. You cool?" Which translates to "I want to go do something, but if you were hoping for some time together, need me for something, or I forgot we made plans, let me know."

If he doesn't want me to go he may say something like "I was really hoping for some time together, but ok." and then I'd think it over and either A) decide to stay home or B) go do the thing with a plan to spend time w DH after or the next free day we have.



Bluesclues said:


> My husband is in recovery for alcohol so I don’t think asking him if he is okay with me going to a brewery is stretch.


Maybe he was sensitive because he thought you were treating him differently due to him being a recovering alcoholic and you wanting to go to a brewery.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Something that we also typically do is a kind of check-in with each other at some point; even if it’s just that we’re heading back and/or ask if the other needs anything on our way home (depending on context).

Out of curiosity, I looked back to texts when I was at the bar that night. And to set the scene, it was the 3 of us at a table catching up. No shenanigans, just enjoying a cocktail and wine together (hence I wasn’t driving; self-imposed rule that I won’t drink anything if I drive). Our phones weren’t out. After a while, and initially unaware of the time, I sent him a quick text; simply ‘still here’ and he acknowledged with an emoticon. Friends saw me do this and then asked what time it was. They were 😮 and didn’t realise we’d been there that long (approaching 4hours). Out came their phones as they texted their husbands too, and we agreed to wrap up. Shortly after, I texted Batman again ‘Leaving now via dropping Poison Ivy home. See you soon.’

Just sharing another part of the going out interaction.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> A dear childhood friend texted and said she was in town for a brief moment and knows it is last minute but wanted to see if i could meet up with her at the brewery last evening. I texted my husband and asked how he felt about that. He replied “Sure, why would you not want to see Friend?” His reply after that is what I am questioning.
> 
> H: I don’t understand why you feel you have to ask me
> 
> ...


BC, the only thing that threw me off was when you asked him how he felt about it. 

Now, take this with a grain of salt as this is my own personality.... I would be weirded out by that question. Like you, my wife and I inform the other of things we are doing just so we both know where the other is. No need to worry that our spouse has magically disappeared. We just don't ask for an opinion.

For example, I will text my wife:

Going to 'x' Park for a ride tonight after work. See you around 7-8

She will text back one of two things:

Ok. 

Or

You won't have time tonight because we need to do x,y,z. 

The reverse happens with her. We just do what we want, when we want. All we are doing is informing the other of the decision we have already made. 

If my wife were to say "I'd like to go to happy hour with my co-workers after work, how do you feel about that?"... that would grab my attention. I would immediately wonder why she would think I have a feeling or an opinion on the matter. Why would I feel anything about that? It sounds like she is asking permission to do something sinister. 

I don't know. The question just rubs me the wrong way. Again, this is just me and the way I think. I would bet some see it the way I do but I think more people do not.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

I’d think of it, not like asking permission, but at least being courteous enough to run it by them.

Not for little things like stopping off at the store to get something, but bigger things like, “I’m thinking about going over to LaQuisha’s house after work.” **** like that.

It’s still asking them what they think about it (ie permission) in a less ass kissy way. If they said ‘Noooo come on! Come home! I miss you!” You’d most likely go home, right?

Ok ^ providing that they weren’t doing it in a controlling toxic way. :-/


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> BC, the only thing that threw me off was when you asked him how he felt about it.
> 
> Now, take this with a grain of salt as this is my own personality.... I would be weirded out by that question. Like you, my wife and I inform the other of things we are doing just so we both know where the other is. No need to worry that our spouse has magically disappeared. We just don't ask for an opinion.
> 
> ...


Good point actually. Not something sinister, but it did make him wonder what I thought he should be feeling about it. What was he missing? Why was this a thing? It felt like a **** test and he wasn’t about to spend any time guessing what the right answer for me was. It irritated him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What you did was perfectly normal and what any good spouse would do.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> Good point actually. Not something sinister, but it did make him wonder what I thought he should be feeling about it. What was he missing? Why was this a thing? It felt like a **** test and he wasn’t about to spend any time guessing what the right answer for me was. It irritated him.


This is simply growing pains as both of you try new and better ways of interacting. 



Bluesclues said:


> Your examples of “informing” sound healthy to me. We talked more when he got home (before I went out) and he basically said that he was controlling and abusive before recovery and didn’t understand why I was upset at him now that he was NOT being controlling and abusive. And I think that is my issue - he is moving on to healthy behaviors and I am stuck in our past dysfunction. I don’t know how to react, how to be with sober, non-abusive him. Crap.


You're adjusting to him, he's adjusting to you adjusting, it's a feedback loop. Whenever you try a new dynamic it will be uncomfortable and strange the first few times. But you both discussed this and now understand each other's responses and reactions better given his changing situation. 

I suspect this is more than most couples would do re checking their communications and adjusting their approach, so I see a big POSITIVE here vs a problem. 

Next time this kind if thing comes up you'll likely both do much better, without hitting the same nerves. It'll just require a different way of expressing yourselves, much like the examples given above in the other posts - more about courtesy and caring and less about outright permission.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I think it's a common courtesy to ask your spouse if they mind if you do XYZ. Of course you don't need their permission, but it shows you care about them enough to ask. Maybe that's just a Southern thing.


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## EmergeRN (Jul 17, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> A dear childhood friend texted and said she was in town for a brief moment and knows it is last minute but wanted to see if i could meet up with her at the brewery last evening. I texted my husband and asked how he felt about that. He replied “Sure, why would you not want to see Friend?” His reply after that is what I am questioning.
> 
> H: I don’t understand why you feel you have to ask me
> 
> ...


You did the correct thing. My fiance and I always tell each other what we're going to do in terms of going out. It's not asking permission, it's a common courtesy.


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## MandyLHS (Oct 22, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> A dear childhood friend texted and said she was in town for a brief moment and knows it is last minute but wanted to see if i could meet up with her at the brewery last evening. I texted my husband and asked how he felt about that. He replied “Sure, why would you not want to see Friend?” His reply after that is what I am questioning.
> 
> H: I don’t understand why you feel you have to ask me
> 
> ...


I think it’s really sweet and considerate to run plans by your spouse, before you commit. My husband and I do it, in most cases… I’ll say, “are you cool if I stay over with my sisters, Friday night?” or he’ll actually kindof ask, “is it okay if I go grab a beer at so n so with so n so?”. Both of us always say “of course - have fun” or whatever… it’s just a nice practice. 🤍 Of course, if I’m headed to lunch with a girlfriend, midday, or whatever, I just relay. Depends on what it is.


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