# What is grief counseling like?



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm trying to figure out what i need. I just go through days, missing the way life used to be. I don't feel any better. I gave up another source of joy today. I just don't know how to go back.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm trying to figure out what i need. I just go through days, missing the way life used to be. I don't feel any better. I gave up another source of joy today. I just don't know how to go back.


Curious as to the distinction between grief and depression? Asking for a friend. 

I began individual therapy for relationship issues I was unable to deal with on my own. This was something I never thought I'd do, but it's been useful. No magic bullet but it's nice having someone else validate that you feel the way you do for a reason. Fixing that feeling is a much tougher thing. The individual therapy has led to marriage counseling. First session was great, hopeful, new beginning. Second session and the day after I felt very, what, unfulfilled? Like, was I supposed to feel a lot better after that? Because I felt worse. 

Hope things work out. I don't have the memory I used to have, where I could recall from memory your posts & issues.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Greif is depression over a loss. At least that is how I see it today. 
Essentially We are living together with loss of emotional closeness. Alone together. I stopped talking about myself so much because I got tired of being told to man up. 
As you age life changes. the connections move away or die. You don't have the energy for new ones. Even new pets are a challenge.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Greif is depression over a loss. At least that is how I see it today.
> Essentially We are living together with loss of emotional closeness. Alone together. I stopped talking about myself so much because I got tired of being told to man up.
> As you age life changes. the connections move away or die. You don't have the energy for new ones. Even new pets are a challenge.


The good thing is that you can put a label, a definition, on what you've lost. I'm unable to do that. I've spent my entire life believing that you do A to get to B, and C is a continuing extension of your efforts to create your own path. What happens when you feel unable to do so? 

I suspect there may be some of that in what you're feeling as well. Plus something else you alluded to. You're older. Shouldn't we be in a better place as we get older, not worse? The lessons of our past should serve us well. Instead some things in our past come to haunt us as reminders of what we've lost. Am I getting close?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

It sounds to me like you have some situational depression. You're dealing with a very difficult situation and it's causing some depression to develop which is, in turn, making other parts of your life more difficult to handle. 

I think starting with a therapist is a good idea. You could also see your internist for a referral to a good therapist. He/she might want to do some blood work to check a few things to make sure nothing physical is contributing to your depression. He/she may even discuss some medication options for you. I'd start there. 

Good luck!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm looking for a better solution than medication. My endocrinologist put me on escitalopram. I didn't like it much. I'll see if I can get a therapist without paying another doc.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm looking for a better solution than medication. My endocrinologist put me on escitalopram. I didn't like it much. I'll see if I can get a therapist without paying another doc.


Commonly reported side effects of escitalopram include: diarrhea, drowsiness, ejaculatory disorder, headache, insomnia, nausea, and delayed ejaculation. Other side effects include: anorgasmia, constipation, dizziness, dyspepsia, fatigue, decreased libido, diaphoresis, and xerostomia.​I'd find another doctor. You'd have to be in pretty absymal condition for Lexapro (it's more-common brand name) to be worth the problems it creates. Especially sexual. If a wife wanted to kill a husband's desire, this is the stuff she'd spike his food with.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I'll add there was only one time in my life that I found my libido lacking, and it scared the crap out of me. It was when my doc had described Amlodipine (a calcium beta blocker that's normally used for high blood pressure but in my case for Raynauds, a circulation issue that causes ice-cold hands). I felt like I just didn't care or need it (sex) but I knew that was not me. 

Took myself off it after 10 days. Had other issues to, dealing with slowing me down on my bicycles (lower watts because the upper limit on my heart rate plummeted). Ironically, the med I eventually went onto, and works great, is a PDE5 inhibitor, Sildenafil. Which is more commonly known by its trade name, Viagra.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Mr. Nail, 

Before writing to you, I took a moment to look over some of your past threads and get a feel for where you're at and what's going on. Honestly, sometimes some perspective can make a difference in the what I might write and/or how I'd write it, so I wanted to know that before I said anything. 

It seems to me, if I could summarize, that you are grieving because of the lack of closeness in your marriage--not just a low amount, but an utter and complete VACUUM of any kind of emotional availability. This is a deep need of yours, and yet you 100% know you can not and will not get any...and you also 100% choose to stay where you are, as you are. (By the way, that's okay...you can choose that. It hurts where you are, but it would hurt worse or more to change, so you stay.)

So as you know, my Dear Hubby died two years ago. I think I came through my grief fairly well, relatively quickly (compared to "the average" whatever that is), and yet I know of and am acquainted with grief. Life is change, and life is loss--and when there's a change or a loss, often times people CLING to "the way it was" or "the way it should be" and just can not process the grief of losing what they had. Now, people do grieve their own way at their own speed--some are faster and some are slower--but for those who are processing alright, they eventually adjust to the new reality and come to be at peace with it and accept it. 

Some grief counseling is just like divorce counseling, in a way: it's just helping people as they walk through the process. This kind of grief counseling would maybe be a group, maybe one-on-one, but essentially the counselor would help you with maybe a daily or weekly topic and gradually help you walk through accepting the reality of the loss, working through the pain, and adjusting to the new life. There are some "typical topics" that grieving folks face, so the counselor would bring up a topic, you might talk about where you are at on that topic, and then some "homework" might be assigned for you to try a new approach or new tactic. Envision "DivorceCare" but for grief it's called "GriefShare" and often there is a local group you could join...that kind of thing. 

OTHER times, when people get stuck at one step or another in grief, they call that Complicated Grief. That's when someone feels PROLONGED, intense emotional pain and is so dominated by the feelings of grief that they don't function well on a daily basis. Due to the severe domination of grief, the person might avoid and detach from loved ones, might be so preoccupied with the grief that they are paralyzed with moving on, might avoid "triggers" for years and years after the loss, etc. Complicated Grief is not something that is "diagnosed" and yet the DSM-5 does have a section on "persistent complex bereavement disorder"--so it is there and it is real, and this would be something that would be best addressed by a psychologist or licensed therapist. Usually, if someone still feels intense pain of loss after a year, and not only has there been no decrease in the pain but it has increased and still overwhelms and debilitates...then you might consider that Complicated Grief and look for a specific therapist who specializes in grief. 

To find a grief counselor, you might want to start at Psychology Today, here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists Pick your state, pick your city or nearby town, then on the left side pick "Grief". It'll show what insurance they take and everything. I mean...it's kind of a WhitePages of therapists but at least it's a place to start!


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