# Husband needs multiple orgasms



## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

I need a reality check...married 16 years, late 40s, 3 kids, perimenopause. We have always had somewhat of a mismatch in desire but we have sex an average of 2-3 times/week. 

The problem is that dh is not happy unless he has 2-4 orgasms during a sexual encounter. He has some superhuman power and gets an erection minutes after orgasm. I find it difficult to relax and enjoy sex when I know I will have to bring him to orgasm again and again. I give 1-2 bjs, we have intercourse 1-2 times. I feel I’m giving all I can physically and emotionally. My body gets physically exhausted.

Is he being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? I’m so sad that whatever I give it’s not enough. I have told him that 2 of his orgasms is my limit, anything more is not pleasurable or mutual for me. I’ve told him that we could have sex more often if we had “quickies” meaning only 1 orgasm. I’m just so depressed about all of this, and in the meantime my own pleasure is barely an afterthought. What can I do? What can I say?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

PenguinCat said:


> I need a reality check...married 16 years, late 40s, 3 kids, perimenopause. We have always had somewhat of a mismatch in desire but we have sex an average of 2-3 times/week.
> 
> The problem is that dh is not happy unless he has 2-4 orgasms during a sexual encounter. He has some superhuman power and gets an erection minutes after orgasm. I find it difficult to relax and enjoy sex when I know I will have to bring him to orgasm again and again. I give 1-2 bjs, we have intercourse 1-2 times. I feel I’m giving all I can physically and emotionally. My body gets physically exhausted.
> 
> Is he being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? I’m so sad that whatever I give it’s not enough. I have told him that 2 of his orgasms is my limit, anything more is not pleasurable or mutual for me. I’ve told him that we could have sex more often if we had “quickies” meaning only 1 orgasm. I’m just so depressed about all of this, and in the meantime my own pleasure is barely an afterthought. What can I do? What can I say?



Are you saying that he needs 4 orgasms per session and he doesn't work to make sure you get any? Or that the fact that trying to get him 4 orgasms a session is not pleasurable for you and he doesn't seem to care. 

If it's the former, my advice is to tell the him that unless he learns to make sure YOU get yours, you won't be having sex with him anymore so he'll get 0 instead of 4 from you from now on. 

If he just doesn't care that he's asking too much of you and ruining your sexual pleasure with it I'd say pretty much the same thing...learn to compromise or I'm done having sex. Then talk openly and freely about your needs and how you want to try to meet both your needs as much as possible.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@PenguinCat. you posted the almost exact same issue way back in 2014

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/175169-dh-needs-multiple-orgasms.html

3/12/14 


> Dh and I have been married for ten years and generally have a satisfying sex life. But in the past couple years dh has started insisting on 2 or 3 or even 4 orgasms for himself each time we have sex. So this usually means I give him a bj and then we have intercourse twice. I don't have this kind of stamina, so by the end I'm sort of tired and spent, and it's just not fun for me. I'm starting to avoid sex because, while a quicker session sounds fun, the chore of 3-4 orgasms (for him) is not fun for me. We have discussed and fought about this a lot, so he knows how I feel. The compromise has been 2 orgasms, but he's always vaguely disappointed when we stop at 2, and I'm sick of being the one cutting us off. I guess I just want more variety, sometimes a quickie, sometimes more. I feel like things are skewed too far towards his pleasure, and I want a more mutual experience. Ideas? Advice?



And you have posted this same issue while complaining about other issues in your sex life with your husband

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/261705-bj-first-thing-morning.html
4/16/15


> Married 11 years, 3 kids, early 40s. My husband has a very high drive, and he wants multiple orgasms, like 3, every time we have sex. That's a source of tension, but it's kind of a separate issue (which I've posted about before). We don't always have time or energy for this in the evenings. So now, we are having more sex in the mornings. I am not usually much in the mood and would rather get some extra sleep, but I try to get into it for his sake. The one thing I really dislike in the morning is giving him a bj. It's not appealing or sexy, and he needs a shower and I'm usually too thirsty to really do it properly--it's just dry and unpleasant. I've told him this many times (in more gentle terms, usually) and I'm happy to give him a bj in the evening. I do it almost every time we have sex in the evening. But he keeps asking in the morning, and I feel like a jerk for saying no, and I'm also getting angry that he won't back off that issue. *He does have 1-2 orgasms from intercourse if we have a morning encounter, so it's not like I'm coldly rejecting hi*m. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being unreasonable?


https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/321185-constant-nagging-killing-desire.html
3/2/16


> My husband has an extremely high sex drive. We are married, 40s, 3 kids. He has a demanding job. I am overwhelmed at the moment with full time grad school.
> 
> I've posted here before...basically *Dh considers anything below 2 orgasms (for himself) per encounter to be substandard. Preferably one or two bjs, performed by me.* I have been extremely stressed and somewhat depressed, and my sex drive is not very high right now, but we average about 3 encounters a week. If we go more than a couple days without, Dh sulks and nags and tells me I'm not doing enough for him sexually. The constant pressure is a huge turnoff. I try to get into the mood as often as I can, but I don't have time or desire for 1.5 hour sex every day.
> 
> I'm not sure if this is a low-desire/high desire issue, but it's somewhat similar. In that dynamic, how do you live with the imbalance? How do you meet halfway? How do do end the cycle of nagging and anger and move forward?


https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/351306-how-much-too-much.html
9/22/16


> I've posted here before from time to time, usually when I'm at my wit's end. Short story of us: married 12 years, 3 kids, I'm in grad school full time and dh works full time. We are in our 40s. The problem: we are sort of hd (him)/ld (me) but not exactly....
> 
> So, we have pretty much always averaged 3-4 times per week. *Dh generally insists on 2-3 orgasms (for him) each time we have sex.* I do my best to oblige because I know he likes it. But lately he is getting really vocal about how disappointed he is when we can't have sex every day or if he can't have multiple orgasms per encounter. He doesn't have a refractory period--he's hard again immediately after orgasm. So it's go-go-go....and it's so much frickin' work for me! Sometimes 2 bjs plus intercourse etc. Frankly I am sick of sex. This is no fun for me anymore. My jaw hurts. I'm having pain.
> 
> ...


And then there is slew of other issues surrounding your husband's treatment of you.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/260618-dh-hates-lubricant.html
4/10/15


> I'm in my 40s, 11 year marriage...we have rarely used lubricant in our sex life, but recently I have trouble getting “wet” on my own at certain times of the month. I don't think it's any big deal. DH hates the feeling of lubricant and says it diminishes his pleasure and sulks if I use it. And most of the time I don't use it. Or if I do, it's just a small amount. But I don't think it's fair for me to have an unpleasant or painful encounter just so he can maximize his own pleasure. Does lube really feel that bad for men?



https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...reat-me-better-without-threatening-leave.html
4/27/15


> Dh and I are mid 40s, married 11 years, 3 kids. Dh is a lawyer with a fairly demanding job. I am a sahm and am returning to school for a masters degree this fall.
> 
> From the outside we look like a happy successful couple. I used to think we had a successful marriage. But for the past couple years I feel dh is treating me poorly and without respect in a few areas:
> 
> ...



https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...n/317874-borderline-personality-disorder.html
2/10/16 


> Anyone have experience with this? My husband blames me consistently for his own emotional reactions. Everything is always my fault. I never quite know what's going to set him off. I've read "walking on eggshells" but it would be interesting to get other perspectives.



Based on the information you provided over the last 6 years, your husband either has serious mental health issues or is a raging ass hole. Take your pick. 

Asking the same questions over and over and over again on TAM is not going to get you the help you need. A marriage counselor will.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I wouldn't think that the number of orgasms themselves is the source of your unhappiness. Are multiple orgasms fundamentally different than if he was taking a very long time to orgasm? It sounds like the sex sessions may be taking much longer than you like and that it feels like he's just using you to satisfy his needs. If that's the case, maybe approach it more from that angle. It's common for sexual problems to crop up if you don't feel like you're emotionally connecting during sex. 

There could be negative effects from repeated orgasms. Each one releases many powerful and pleasing chemicals in the brain. By going for one after the other, he may be creating a kind of addiction pattern in his brain. Maybe he's craving orgasms and things like emotional connection aren't really part of the process. That's probably something for a professional to figure out. A sex therapist may help you guys tackle this issue.

There are sexual techniques where you guys engage in more a more drawn out sensual session and he prolongs having an orgasm. Then when he does, it will feel more powerful and he may feel satisfied with one big one rather than multiple small ones. A therapist will be able to offer suggestions like that among other things that can be tried.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he is selfish in bed and wants you to put more effort into pleasing him, than he does in pleasing you, that is one problem. 

If he does his best to please you but you just desire different amounts of sex, that is a different issue.

Form what @Lila posted, it sounds like the first case, in which case the problem is entirely his - what he wants is unreasonable. It would be different if he was saying "I'd really like more sex, and I'm happy to do anything you want in bed, whenever you want).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I wouldn't have the time or energy for that, multiple times a week. It sounds like it's a chore for you. It doesn't sound mutual.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Based on asking the same question multiple times over many years, I have to question the OP's motives.

However, I will assume the best.

My advice to you is to do a Yes/No/Maybe list with your dear H. If you feel exhausted from BJ's and PIV, then find out other things or forms of orgasms he might enjoy to satisfy his "needs."

Talk to him about roll playing where he might masturbate in front of you (look up JOI or jack off Instruction porn or explore foot fetishes) or where you might use a "sleeve" like a Flesh Light on him or a vibrator on him to give him orgasms. Maybe learn how to give him a prostate massage. Some men can actually have multiple orgasms from a single prostate massage. The point is that there are options available to you, if you are willing to think outside the box.

As David Schnarch says, there is not right amount of sex per week in a marriage, it is all a compromise, just like there is no right amount of chocolate ice cream per week for dessert. Each marriage is different and a negotiated balancing act between the two partners in every aspect of the marriage, what to eat for dinner, how many children to have, what to do with your free time, and sex.

If you really can't come up with a solution and this has been bothering you for all these years, set up an appointment with you and your H with a really good sex therapist and marriage counselor. It would be worth the money for you to get closure.

Good luck.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

PenguinCat said:


> I need a reality check...married 16 years, late 40s, 3 kids, perimenopause. We have always had somewhat of a mismatch in desire but we have sex an average of 2-3 times/week.
> 
> The problem is that dh is not happy unless he has 2-4 orgasms during a sexual encounter. He has some superhuman power and gets an erection minutes after orgasm. I find it difficult to relax and enjoy sex when I know I will have to bring him to orgasm again and again. I give 1-2 bjs, we have intercourse 1-2 times. I feel I’m giving all I can physically and emotionally. My body gets physically exhausted.
> 
> Is he being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? I’m so sad that whatever I give it’s not enough. I have told him that 2 of his orgasms is my limit, anything more is not pleasurable or mutual for me. I’ve told him that we could have sex more often if we had “quickies” meaning only 1 orgasm. I’m just so depressed about all of this, and in the meantime my own pleasure is barely an afterthought. What can I do? What can I say?


I love sex. I love long sex sessions. But come on. 

He is super human I guess. 

He needs to understand this is a lot, and I am an everyday guy and when we have time we might go 2 or three time in a day. Now I am older, I may not even get there every time. Her pleasure counts at least as much as mine, so I am just focusing on her a lot of the time. 

I think his super human expectations are a little high. 

The question is, how to do you tell him, gentle and work out a compromise...


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

based on all of your previous posts "he has no interest in my pleasure and likes the balance the way it is"
I have to ask WHY are you staying with this selfish jerk?
My guess he's got an addiction to the high of his orgasms combined with HUGE ego.
You are not a robot. 
Crikey he doesn't even like lube because it interferes with HIS pleasure.
Yikes. The way he sulks and carries on? You need to plug into a therapist to understand that this is NOT normal behaviour, unless you're a teenager.
I really don't have a solution. If you are asking for more stamina, you don't need it.
If you are asking for him to change, why should he? You always back down, or apologize and he's getting what he wants.
What are you asking for exactly?
Buy him a sex doll and tell him to go at it. This is NOT your problem or responsibility.
Eventually you will leave, being treated like a receptacle leads to resentment which leads to broken marriages.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Lila said:


> Based on the information you provided over the last 6 years, your husband either has serious mental health issues or is a raging ass hole. Take your pick.



Oh, I'm pretty sure the two are not mutually exclusive....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your H sounds like a disgusting self absorbed pig. I am stunned you have tolerated this BS for so long. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I, Dr Vlad Dracul CSE, have a term for you husband's problem; "Masterbatis in vaginis"


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

he needs to be taking care of himself on his own to supplement your together sessions in order to fuel his crazy sex appetite.

and i agree with others that he is thoughtless and maybe even a brute.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

What I would say to you - knowing full well that I am NOT you so please take what you can use and leave the rest - is that you can say yes or no at any time to anything regarding your spouse. Sex needs to be a happy agreement. It's an important aspect of any marriage relationship. You shouldn't feel obligated or coerced or even afraid that he will be mad or even leave you if you don't have sex with him in a manner that HE prescribes to which you are not in HAPPY AGREEMENT. Since you are the one inquiring, you are the one I'm addressing. Bottom line: you can say yes or you can say no. No means no. Yes means yes to exactly what you agree to and nothing more. Happy agreement is the bottom line.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm not speaking for @Lila but my take on her sharing the history is that the more complete info at hand, the better advice and accurate helpful comments might be made.

With a history of the same - an OP may start off with "this continues" or similar, so folks would know this isn't a brand new just happening issue.

But that's just my take. I can say I've never observed Lila to do anything in a disrespectful manner regarding one coming aboard looking for advice or support.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@PenguinCat it sounds like you are stuck in a marriage that is not good for you. Have you had individual counseling? Have you and your husband had marriage counseling?

The same problems have been going on for years, and I get that you need to vent your frustration and get reality checks about specific things.

Many people have told you their opinions about your situation, what is your own opinion? Do you agree or disagree?

What are you willing to do to change your situation? You aren't going to change your husband, but you can change your own life and not have to put up with things your husband does to you that are objectionable to you.

BTW, I believe that your husband is a sex addict, and he uses you as his orgasm tool. If I were you I'd not have sex with him until he gets some individual counseling for his addiction, and he also had several rounds of Marriage Counseling with you.

If he didn't change, I'd divorce him. He is a ticking time bomb for adultery if he hasn't already done it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

and @PenguinCat....

If you don't return to your thread and have an ongoing dialogue, people will quickly lose interest in helping you. Don't start a new thread, just come back to this one, or one of your older threads that is still relevent and stick to that thread.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

happiness27 said:


> It is probably more factual to say that you do not know what her husband is or isn't in terms of "sex addict". Suggesting divorce or what his problem is is beyond the scope or expertise of anyone here. What would it be like to just support the OP instead of making assumptions about what is going on? Sometimes people benefit the most from listening until they find a way to solve their own problem.


Moderator Note:. Please stop telling others what they should or shouldn't be doing. Instead give your two cents and let others do the same.
@happiness27


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> Moderator Note:. Please stop telling others what they should or shouldn't be doing. Instead give your two cents and let others do the same.


My 2 cents
Well not really mine but some advice I got in the first decade of my undefined relationship . . . . 
It does pertain to the post at hand. It may not be the advice OP wants. I'm not really sure what the OP wants.

Once a King, always a King. Once a knight, is never enough. 

I'm over 50, and as good as mutual intercource is, I often pick up a spare with in 20 hours. Just the way my drive works.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yuck.

My new motto with this selfish guy would be "one and done."

Let him go take care of the other *3* himself.

Sex just sounds like another chore for you, not an enjoyable interlude. This would be a complete turn off for me, as well.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

PenguinCat said:


> I need a reality check...married 16 years, late 40s, 3 kids, perimenopause. We have always had somewhat of a mismatch in desire but we have sex an average of 2-3 times/week.
> 
> The problem is that dh is not happy unless he has 2-4 orgasms during a sexual encounter. He has some superhuman power and gets an erection minutes after orgasm. I find it difficult to relax and enjoy sex when I know I will have to bring him to orgasm again and again. I give 1-2 bjs, we have intercourse 1-2 times. I feel I’m giving all I can physically and emotionally. My body gets physically exhausted.
> 
> Is he being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? I’m so sad that whatever I give it’s not enough. I have told him that 2 of his orgasms is my limit, anything more is not pleasurable or mutual for me. I’ve told him that we could have sex more often if we had “quickies” meaning only 1 orgasm. I’m just so depressed about all of this, and in the meantime my own pleasure is barely an afterthought. What can I do? What can I say?


Difficult situation really. In my case I need it more than he does and any mismatch in the home is a situation that needs discussion and management. If you have discussed it with him and he still does not get it then you need a third person into the discussion.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I have a friend who complains about all she does for her children. But, don't dare make a comment about the useless buggers because she is, in fact, bragging.


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