# Difference between.....



## lonleme (Feb 2, 2012)

Being a workaholic or being unfaithful.

My wife works...A LOT!!!!! so far this year she has been away ( over night trips as her business requires) 44% of the time. even when she is home she is away if you know what i mean , always thinking about something else beside me. 

Last night was the topper, while she is in a special situation and pretty far up in the company, but I can't get any text messages ( very few) and couldn't even take 10 minutes to call me before I went to sleep , even though I texted her to tell her I was going to sleep. 

10 years of marriage, and of course every situation is different, but even after asking her and telling her that I feel like I am lower that a third class citizen around here, it doesn't seem to matter....

this has been going on for quite a while with caring degrees but it always comes down to the same thing, gone way to much and even gone mentally when she is home.....

really trying to figure out what to do.

we are seeing a counselor, that she canceled an a appointment lately and it has ben two weeks and she has not rescheduled. Some will say "you reschedule" I know.... But is is draining when only one is trying. I have to decide whether or not I still want to continue trying.....

tired of feeling lonely, neglected, and as if I didn't matter

any ideas?


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Lonleme, I only know too well what you are going through. I know how lonely and heartbreaking it is to be ignored, neglected, and feel as if you're invaluable in the relationship.

You don't say if you have any children. But if not, it would be a whole lot easier to leave if your wife really doesn't want to improve the relationship and is fine with how things are...

Sorry that I don't have much advice, just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I am in your wife's shoes, work-wise. 80-90 hour weeks, long road trips for months and months and/or long hours in the office hen I was at home. In fact, my FIRST wife confronted me about my "mistress" -- what she was now referring to my job as.

You don't say whether you think she's engaged in an EA or PA, just workaholic... so assuming that's not the issue:

I met my 2nd/current (possibly stbx) wife AT work... she knew my job demands, even was part of what she fell in love with, how I was. Long story short, I was away an awful lot (gone 3- 5 days for 40 of 52 weeks) for nearly 2 years and always "on"/connected to work. She "was lonely", changed who she was, and had an affair, despite *knowing* I loved her and was in a temporary work situation, that it would end and I'd be off the road eventually. 

Well, I found out and am absolutely destroyed and we will pretty certainly now end up in D, leaving our 7 yr old son to grow up coming from a broken home.

Oddly, at one point AFTER her affair had started, we had ONE major talk about my work schedule. She was at the end of her rope. I made changes, but it was too late; she had already started on her path and she didn't even see them as significant; she harbored her resentment and had carved herself a different solution.... And she cannot un-do what she has done, no matter how badly she NOW wishes she could. So our marriage is essentially over, despite 9 full months of trying to R.

My point of telling you my story summary is to advise you to HAVE THAT TALK, lay it ALL on the line, in explicit detail, specific timelines, specific expectations -- even write it all down. because either she chooses you, or you choose to exit. You've reached your end and are considering leaving. You cannot fix it alone; you must have her full 50% of the equation, and 100% committed. 

Be fully willing to toss out the past, embracing the future with her if she will meet you half way. 

Here's the thing: if you're able to REALLY have that conversation, two-way dialogue, and she really "gets it", then you really do have something special, and she get counseling help -- or even change her job -- she will stop and make changes, and you can turn a new leaf over and start a whole new way of living. if so great, then hold her -- and yourself -- to it. 

But it is my guess that you already know she can't or won't make that full-scale life change. And then, you know what you ought to do and can save yourselvs both a lot of heartache by cutting to the chase, having adult, respectful, real conversation, and making a collective decision with ALL the inputs.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I have to chime in here, as I am a wife of an international airline pilot. 29 years into the industry . I am also a twin.

It takes a really special kind of person to be able to be married to an absent partner . My twin, could not deal with an absent partner to save their soul. One has to be a strong individual, have a strong sense of self worth , be able to problem solve on the moment notice, confident in themselves, and like their own company in order to lead this kind of life.

I've had to deal with many many "home alone" holidays, birthday and anniversaries, as well as friends feeling sorry for me, ...as it's the pilots (and F/A) who take other family members to each other and away from their own ...

Long hours mean not enough time to connect at home, & lots of days apart. My son was in 6th gr before other parents realize I wasn't a single mom . 

It was hard at times, waiting for phone calls, for delays, sometimes days, & long,long hours days,(some as long as 18/20 hours)and when the crews gets in to the hotels, they're dealing with jet lag, odd hours, different bed every night , bad food ... doesn't exactly make for the most pleasant person to return home somedays . But the up side was,... if i didn't want to, I didn't, I had the free time to shop, explore, visit with friends, take classes,start projects and not get interrupted if i didn't want to stop . If I wanted to lay in bed until 4.00am reading at night, I could without inconveniencing anyone. This was our normal. It really was the best of both worlds bc we were a team, in the marriage and in the career. 

I tell you this , bc I made it work for 30 years. It was his career, his dream, job, his life, it's who he is, he's a pilot, and pilots like to go ... for someone to marry and ask for more when one knew the score, only you can decide if you can be in the kind of life that you've taken on. imho

~sammy


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## lonleme (Feb 2, 2012)

2xloser said:


> I am in your wife's shoes, work-wise. 80-90 hour weeks, long road trips for months and months and/or long hours in the office hen I was at home. In fact, my FIRST wife confronted me about my "mistress" -- what she was now referring to my job as.
> 
> You don't say whether you think she's engaged in an EA or PA, just workaholic... so assuming that's not the issue:
> 
> ...




Well we had the TALK she said she doesn't want to walk on the path of recovery with me.... so I guess that is it..... since she is my whole life now I have to decide to even continue myself..... if it weren't for the kids ..... I don't think I would be here tomorrow ... that might sound mellow dramatic, but the life I have been through, I don't think I have what it takes to continue ..... I just want to disappear


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonleme said:


> Well we had the TALK she said she doesn't want to walk on the path of recovery with me.... so I guess that is it..... since she is my whole life now I have to decide to even continue myself..... if it weren't for the kids ..... I don't think I would be here tomorrow ... that might sound mellow dramatic, but the life I have been through, I don't think I have what it takes to continue ..... I just want to disappear


The problem with work hours like your wife has.. with the traveling is that she has lost her emotional connection to you. It's most likely not your fault at all. She does not have the skills aparently to be 100% with you when she is home.

I don't have any advice. Only support for you.

Perhaps, before you do something like file for dvorce, you can work more on yourself, more on being who you want to be. Find things you like to do and do them. Do things with your children and with friends.

You also might want to start treating your wife with the 180. Look for the link in my signature block. It will help you protect your own emotions and move forward. AND, if there is anything that will get her attention it is the 180... you no longer seeking her out and asking her to do what you need.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

lonleme said:


> Well we had the TALK she said she doesn't want to walk on the path of recovery with me.... so I guess that is it..... since she is my whole life now I have to decide to even continue myself..... if it weren't for the kids ..... I don't think I would be here tomorrow ... that might sound mellow dramatic, but the life I have been through, I don't think I have what it takes to continue ..... I just want to disappear[/QUOTE
> 
> 
> How do you mean this ????? Should We be concerned?
> ...


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## lonleme (Feb 2, 2012)

no no concern needed....


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

"I just want to disappear"

I'm with you on that one. It's not a threat of suicide, just wishing for ANYTHING to take the pain away.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ok ... just checking 

~sammy


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lonleme said:


> Well we had the TALK she said she doesn't want to walk on the path of recovery with me.... so I guess that is it..... since she is my whole life now I have to decide to even continue myself..... if it weren't for the kids ..... I don't think I would be here tomorrow ... that might sound mellow dramatic, but the life I have been through, I don't think I have what it takes to continue ..... I just want to disappear


First of all, I am terribly sorry for you. 
Second, I promise you that even this scenario is betetr than remaining in limbo... because there is, at least, a direction to start working toward.
Third, I think you knew this was where you were headed. At least you didn't get strung along with bullsh*t empty promises and pretended attempts.

You will arrive at a new place, better, smarter, and stronger. It wil ltake time, it will be painful, but it will be better. Because what you think you had, is not what you thought it was anyway. So how could it not be better to live in reality and clarity than a lie and uncertainty? 

Good luck to you... and please, please, please if you are feeling anything close to what your post implies -- make the call, get the help!! You will be ok. You can do this. 

(and feel free to pm if you just need to vent.)


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