# Feel Unappreciated by My Husband



## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Hi All- looking for advice about my marriage.

Background: I've been married 2 years- we also have a beautiful 7 month-old son (also an awesome step-daughter from his previous relationship). We both work full-time (he works 12 hour shifts 3 to 4 days a week/ I have a traditional M - F 8 to 5). He is 33 and I am 35.

We both contribute equally to all of our joint expenses. I make all of the bill payments, take care of our son most of the time, cook, and keep a relatively clean house (dishes/mopping/dusting/washing). Although I will say I am not a huge fan of laundry, so sometimes I will leave our son's clothes in the dryer overnight if I do not get to folding. My husband goes to pick up baby formula and groceries for us on his off days. He also buys clothing for our son often. He is also a very organized person.

I try to cook at least 3 to 4 times per week because I know working 12 hour shifts is tough on my husband. There are some days where I may have a late night conference call for work around 9 pm, so on those days I do not have time to cook after bathing our son and feeding him once I get home from work.

Last night I had a conference call, so when my husband called me after he got off work, he asked "what's for dinner tonight?" I told him I was on the way to pick up some healthy take-out for us. Then it starts to rain during our conversation. I ask my husband if he wouldn't mind picking up the take-out on his way home (the place is 2 minutes from our home) instead because I didn't want to take our 7-month old outside in the rain since he was sick the previous few days.

He agreed, so I thought everything was ok. My son and I went home.

Once my husband got home, he gave me the silent treatment while I was feeding our son and getting him ready for a bath. I see my husband make his plate and I ask him if he would mind making a plate for me so that I could eat quickly after bathing our son before my conference call.

My husband goes OFF. He says, "You think I'm supposed to go to work and then come home and serve you!? WOW. Women in 2017 (shook his head)!"

I was sincerely hurt by this for a number of reasons. Mostly because I never looked at assisting or "serving" my husband as a chore or a tally of who is doing what. It made me feel like all the times I get up at 4 am with our son, go to work, come home and cook and "serve" him food means absolutely nothing to him. I have asked him to go to the store maybe 5 times since we have been together, and I rarely ask him to cook or prepare food.

On several occasions he has made reference to what I do not do well, and I receive no appreciation or recognition by him unless he wants something. When I talk to him about it he will apologize and then criticize or say something negative again a few days later. I feel like I am getting to a point of shutting down emotionally.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

> My husband goes OFF. He says, "You think I'm supposed to go to work and then come home and serve you!? WOW. Women in 2017 (shook his head)!"


Well, that was uncalled for. Sounds like your husband keeps the wrong company. Maybe he has a couple MGTOW or Red Pill buddies. I mean, to say something like that to your wife is really strange. Like someone who is under the wrong influences regurgitating out what they have heard elsewhere.

You should tell him you work just like him and you are not his maid, neither his mother, respectfully of course.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

people who are hypercritical usually have an ego problem.

he doesn't respect you, in fact he looks down on you? why is that? 
he should treat you as an equal, meaning give you the benefit of the doubt unless you
actually do something foolish or selfish (you didn't).

what does he do for 12 hours, 3 days a week? what makes him feel superior and what feeds into this over sized ego?


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Thank you


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the rest of the marriage? 

Is there intimacy (sex, kissing, hugging, affection)?

What did you say to him after his uncalled for response?


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

He works as a process engineer in a manufacturing plant...

Yes, I do feel like he is being influenced by his buddies at work. It was a very strange, left-field comment. No disrespect to housewives (I would love to be a housewife LOL), but most of his buddies' wives do not work and his mother did not either. I am guessing his friends' wives have more free time to have dinner ready, pamper, etc..maybe he is jealous of his buddies' lives. 

Unfortunately, we do not have the means for this. We need both of our incomes.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

I have a friend who works 12 hour shifts, 4 days on then 4 days off, and while she is working it is a pretty tiring shift. She is single, no children, and still her working days are work and sleep with little time for anything else.

None of that excuses your H for speaking to you like that. 

If he only works 3-4 days per week that gives him at least one, if not two, spare day(s) to catch up with other stuff around the house, such as laundry or making crock pot dinners for the nights when you are late, that you then shouldn't need to be doing.

Does he have dinner ready for you on his non working days?


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

The intimacy is almost non-existant now because I don't feel connected when being constantly criticized and disrespected. I am also pretty much exhausted most of the time since our little one was born...

When we first dated and got married, sex and intimacy was AMAZING.


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Yes- I agree! On top of this, he gets seven days off straight every month!

I am sensitive to the 12-hour shift - I know that it has to be exhausting, so I try the best I can. However, I do need help sometimes too...

I just feel like he feels he is superior....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

hes resentful because hes not getting any love.....which means sex to a guy.


he also probably doesn't feel appreciated. most people only see what they do and fail to see what their other half does.

when feeling unappreciated people tend to see allllllllllllll the things they do as much better than the things their partner does. and to make matters worse they then minimize what their partner does which makes it seem even more unbalanced.


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Thanks for your comment...

I would say that my husband does do a LOT, and I appreciate him for it. Maybe I will try to express this more to him and see if that helps.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshine2017 said:


> The intimacy is almost non-existant now because I don't feel connected when being constantly criticized and disrespected. I am also pretty much exhausted most of the time since our little one was born...
> 
> When we first dated and got married, sex and intimacy was AMAZING.


No matter how exhausted either are in a marriage, time must be spent together sans kid.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshine2017 said:


> Thanks for your comment...
> 
> I would say that my husband does do a LOT, and I appreciate him for it. Maybe I will try to express this more to him and see if that helps.


It may be reciprocated!! Worth a shot. It is tough working jobs, home, kids and keeping a marriage. Some days one will just have a crappy day and then be asked to do something. Lashing out occurs.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sunshine2017 said:


> Thanks for your comment...
> 
> I would say that my husband does do a LOT, and I appreciate him for it. Maybe I will try to express this more to him and see if that helps.


how do you show your appreciation?

if you want him show his appreciation then you have to do the same.

the key is to show him how he needs you to. (sex)

and for you to communicate how you like to be shown appreciation.

good luck and remember small kids small problems big kid big problems.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> how do you show your appreciation?
> 
> if you want him show his appreciation then you have to do the same.
> 
> ...


Appreciation, for me, is not sex. It is verbally communicated. My W saying, "Thanks. I really appreciate....fill in the blank." I reciprocate. My W is a SAHM. I thank and appreciate all she does. If it was not for my W taking care of the home front I would not be able to do what I do daily. Further, I will from time to time bring home flowers "just because".

It is easy to lose sight of one another.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Appreciation, for me, is not sex. It is verbally communicated. My W saying, "Thanks. I really appreciate....fill in the blank." I reciprocate. My W is a SAHM. I thank and appreciate all she does. If it was not for my W taking care of the home front I would not be able to do what I do daily. Further, I will from time to time bring home flower "just because".
> 
> It is easy to lose sight of one another.


cool ...................... but if your not getting any then its even harder to show appreciation.

I know I know and if she doesn't feel appreciated then she doesn't feel like having sex.

the bus goes round and round but she is the one here asking not her husband so unfortunately she has to make the first move by parking the bus and jumping on the bed. >

She indicated sex has been lacking for awhile .

thats my advice. put your relationship first because children fair better with two parents and always being exhausted and disinterested in your husband only goes so far before frustration rears its ulgy head.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> cool ...................... but if your not getting any then its even harder to show appreciation.
> 
> I know I know and if she doesn't feel appreciated then she doesn't feel like having sex.
> 
> ...


For me, being verbally expressing appreciation is a precursor to sex. It makes it much more intimate and fulfilling. But yes, if one is not getting that need met(sex) then it is all a wash. 

Sex lacking as OP is exhausted from their child. H and W need to put each other first no matter what. The reason as you stated above. Dead on. Often a father or mother delve into the child and completely forget one another. It is a recipe for trouble.

Gosh...sometimes a just little note stating how much one appreciates the other goes a very long way.


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

The ways I typically show appreciation is to say "thank you" anytime he buys gifts or things for our son, also for working hard to provide. I have also written hand-written thank you notes and bought him bottles of his favorite wine to express gratitude. Sometimes I will text him and say I appreciate all that you do. Before all of the tension came about, I would ask him if he had a particular dish he wanted prepared that day or I would give him a massage after a long day.

I will buy him gifts as well (some small and some big) if I remember he mentioned something that he wanted or needed.

I guess I will need to step up my game and try to find new ways to express my appreciation...it has become difficult because he criticizes everything 

For example, he has a lot of watches. About a month ago, I ordered a wooden watch box and had his name engraved along with a note expressing my love and a scripture. He told me that I don't pay attention because he already has an area to store his watches...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sunshine2017 said:


> The ways I typically show appreciation is to say "thank you" anytime he buys gifts or things for our son, also for working hard to provide. I have also written hand-written thank you notes and bought him bottles of his favorite wine to express gratitude. Sometimes I will text him and say I appreciate all that you do. Before all of the tension came about, I would ask him if he had a particular dish he wanted prepared that day or I would give him a massage after a long day. *This is all excellent! Not sure why gift buying for your child. Feeding, clothing, roof and educate. Constantly gifting a child can become a problem down the road. *
> 
> I will buy him gifts as well (some small and some big) if I remember he mentioned something that he wanted or needed.
> 
> ...


Your H is emotionally abusive to you with being critical.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sunshine2017 said:


> The ways I typically show appreciation is to say "thank you" anytime he buys gifts or things for our son, also for working hard to provide. I have also written hand-written thank you notes and bought him bottles of his favorite wine to express gratitude. Sometimes I will text him and say I appreciate all that you do. Before all of the tension came about, I would ask him if he had a particular dish he wanted prepared that day or I would give him a massage after a long day.
> 
> I will buy him gifts as well (some small and some big) if I remember he mentioned something that he wanted or needed.
> 
> ...


yuck thats a cold hearted responce to a thoughful gift!

Hmm. My advice is to take the high road plan a sexy eve with him tell him your sorry for not prioritizing a health sex life. and then bring up some of your feelings not in a accusatory way but in a I miss the couple we once were make it light and loving.

hoping for the best for you good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sunshine2017 said:


> The intimacy is almost non-existant now because I don't feel connected when being constantly criticized and disrespected. I am also pretty much exhausted most of the time since our little one was born...
> 
> When we first dated and got married, sex and intimacy was AMAZING.


I was waiting for you to drop the key.

We all have doors that hide things. Sometime it is only clutter behind the door.

I worked some doors in your house, using that key.

I found the hidden door that your husband hides things from you. Behind that door are feelings. He too is frustrated. And after 12 hours he is tired also.

You are tired. Babies on top of a busy work schedule can drag anyone down.

Your husband is horny. He wants sex....he needs sex. Men are simply built this way. Criticize him all you want, Nitpick at him. He won't like it but he will endure.

Cut him off from sex? Now, you have his attention. His undivided attention. He sees a wife that is tired and who has no time for him....for his bat and balls.

You want him to stop his nasty and snippy attitude. Play balls with him. He gets to use his bat in your green field. 

Drain his snake. Keep it drained. He will snuggle right up to you.

It is so simple, yet so hard. Do not carry arguments into the bedroom. The bedroom is for sleeping and for fun....period.


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Thank all of you for your comments. Really appreciate it!! I guess the consensus is more SEX!


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A monogamous marriage breeds an almost viral tendency to take the other person for granted, to have huge expectations, and to deliver this all from a sense of duty and obligation — without a thank you! It happens to a lot of married couples. Asking each other how they are doing and asking what do they need, you can best fulfill each other's needs. I feel that great communication makes for a great marriage and sex life. I thank my wife several times a day. I ask her what would she like me to do or if there is anything bothering her. I show her how desirable she is to me every day and express my love in words and deed daily. We are married for 44 years and what we do is working so far. Unfortunately, throughout history women were considered the property of their husband and were required to fulfill the role as defined by society and religion. Some of that still lingers in many men but it is changing gradually. You could be a victim of this also.

We defined our own marriage rather than try to live as society defined it. We did what worked for us and nothing succeeds like success. Good luck and communicate. If he does not change, trade him in for someone who is more enlightened.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes sex is important. You both have needs (sex is not the only need). There are two books that I think will help both of you. 

Read them in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"... do the work that they say to do. And ask your husband to read them as well and do the work.

Your new baby has changed a lot of things. So now the two of you need to restructure your marriage to fit your new family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunshine2017 said:


> Background: I've been married 2 years- we also have a beautiful 7 month-old son (also an awesome step-daughter from his previous relationship). We both work full-time (he works 12 hour shifts 3 to 4 days a week/ I have a traditional M - F 8 to 5). He is 33 and I am 35.
> 
> We both contribute equally to all of our joint expenses. I make all of the bill payments, take care of our son most of the time, cook, and keep a relatively clean house (dishes/mopping/dusting/washing). Although I will say I am not a huge fan of laundry, so sometimes I will leave our son's clothes in the dryer overnight if I do not get to folding. My husband goes to pick up baby formula and groceries for us on his off days. He also buys clothing for our son often. He is also a very organized person.
> 
> I try to cook at least 3 to 4 times per week because I know working 12 hour shifts is tough on my husband. There are some days where I may have a late night conference call for work around 9 pm, so on those days I do not have time to cook after bathing our son and feeding him once I get home from work.


What does your husband do besides work and some shopping?

It sounds like you not only have a full time job but also do the majority of child care and household chores, take care of finances, etc. Is this correct?


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What does your husband do besides work and some shopping?
> 
> It sounds like you not only have a full time job but also do the majority of child care and household chores, take care of finances, etc. Is this correct?


I agree.

It's easy for some to say you should just "give him" more sex then everything will be OK but sex should be something between the two of you not something you do for him as another household chore. He needs to be there for you so that you want to have sex.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What does your husband do besides work and some shopping?
> 
> It sounds like you not only have a full time job but also do the majority of child care and household chores, take care of finances, etc. Is this correct?


This is how it sounds to me too, and if so, the imbalance sounds awful. It sounds like he hasn't adjusted to life with a new baby. I went through that and my best advice is to have a serious talk with your husband and lay out exactly what you both feel needs to be done to manage childcare, careers, and running a household. And then I'd agree on who does what. 

Adjusting to a new baby can be tough on a marriage, and many times, husbands simply don't fully grasp what goes on for a mother who is often the one getting up in the night, managing childcare logistics, and/or nursing and pumping, etc. The extra work is staggering. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he may not yet fully grasp what your reality is. After that though, I'd say raise the bar. We get treated how we expect to be treated.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Congratulations on the birth of your son, and I'm sorry to see that you're facing some issues in your marriage.

It's very nice that, in addition to giving your husband words of affirmation, you listen to your husband and take the time to consider which gifts might mean a lot to him. His reactions seem to indicate that receiving gifts isn't one of his primary love languages, so it may not mean as much for him to receive them than it does for you to give them. This doesn't make his responses ("I already have a place for my watches!") gracious or appropriate, but it may explain them somewhat.

Do you know how to show your love for your husband in the ways which speak loudest to him?

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Good luck to you!


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Yes, that is correct. 

Ironically, he often tells me I don't "do" anything, and it is degrading and humiliating because I feel like I do quite a bit.


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

He has mentioned that quality time and spending time together is most important - we do not spend a lot of time together anymore due to his work schedule and my being tired any free time I get. 

Thank you for this comment - I will definitely try to spend more quality time where I can as that is his primary language.


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## Sunshine2017 (Mar 7, 2017)

Thank all of you for your advice and responses. I really appreciate the non-judgmental nature of your comments. I will take all of this into consideration.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

The irony of his comment is...that marriage means you should both WANT to serve one another. That's a healthy marriage, not one partner keeping score of what the other is doing and not doing. However, you sound like you're the only one truly committed to that philosophy, and he is angry when he has to step up a bit. I'd remind him that you both need to be willing to serve one another, and be grateful for each other.


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