# Feeling extremely guilty about installing a keylogger



## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Husband and I have been married over 7 years. We have two kids, 5 and 4. We get along great and love being in each other's company. I would happily picture us 10 years from now as that lovey-dovey couple that would make my children and their friends gag at our PDA's, while secretly being happy for us.

That dream got shattered last week.

Husband left his email address open. He was shopping around for new car insurance for us. I was about to close it, until I noticed a large amount of email from an Ashley Madison. Most of the emails were unread, but what caught my eye were the few that were read. These were the ones titled something like, "You've received a message." A few clicks over, and I discovered that Ashley Madison is a site for people looking to have an affair! I felt sick like I couldn't breathe and racked my brain for any explanation. He made an account for a friend? Spam? But there was his profile, with his b-day and stats.

I looked at the rest of his emails and discovered that he posted two ads on Craigslist in the Missed Connections section. One was from last year to some girl with pink hair. I didn't see the posting. All that was in his email was just her response to his ad, which was just her myspace page. The second ad was just from a few weeks ago. He apologized to some stranger, a girl, because she asked him for a ride home and he told her no and now he felt bad.

Well, I asked Husband about the Ashley Madison site and the Craigslist Missed Connections. He said he knew it looked really bad, but that he has never cheated on me. He said he heard about Ashley Madison on a celebrity gossip site and went there out of curiousity. (There were no sent messages in his account.) He said he posted the apology to the girl he didn't give a ride to, because he felt somewhat responsible for her being stranded. He's a train operator and he saw this girl sleeping on a train, but didn't wake her up when he got to one end of the line before turning the train around and heading back the other way. As for the pink-haired girl, I really can't remember what he said, because by now I was numb and his words were starting to sound like the adults in Charlie Brown, "Wha, wha, wha..."

I told him that was all fine and dandy, but what would he have done if someone actually replied with a phone number or wanting to meet. He told me he'd never do that. And he told me he loved me and the kids. He loved our life and that I was the person he's gotten along the best with and he would never jeapordize what we had. I told him I needed time to think.

Well, I discovered this site after trying to find ways to cope. I've been lurking for about a week now and have read almost every single posting in this section. One common piece of advice that I've found was that in order for him to regain my trust he should allow me all-access to his accounts. So I asked him for his gmail email and facebook information, which he gave me with no questions asked. I checked everything and didn't find anything incriminating.

I felt a little better, but understandably still had a few trust issues. Reading more on this site, I came across a posting where the poster checked her husbands sent emails. D'oh! I didn't think to check Husband's sent emails on the email that he had open initially. So I asked him to open that email again for me. I opened his sent email folder, and there was only one in there. But that one was more than enough.

It looks like he posted an ad on Craigslist, this time I'm assuming in either the Casual Encounters or Male Seeking Female section. It was titled something like, "Looking for a skinny girl to bang from behind - m4w - 31." I don't know what the ad said, but someone sent him an email asking him to tell her more, and his reply back was stuff he would do to her, stuff you'd read in a porn book. The dirty stuff I don't mind. What bothered me was that he put an ad there in the first place, this time specifically looking to meet someone. I was numb again and just went straight upstairs and started putting together a dresser for our daughter that I've been working on to sort my thoughts.

Husband came up later and started crying. Husband never cries. Never. He said he knows it was stupid and again, that it was just for kicks and he'd never meet anyone in person, and that he was sorry for hurting me and yadda, yadda, yadda. I asked him if there was anything else I should know about. He told me no. And I asked him again and that now would be the time to tell me. He assured me that there was nothing else.

I used to have absolute trust in Husband. His phone would ring or he'd get a text. Whatever. You're going to play golf? Okay. You're working late tonight? Okay, drive safe. All that has gone out the window.

I used to pride myself in having a clean conscience. I don't go to sites where's there a possibility of any flirting going on. I don't make friends with guys. Shoot, if I want to buy something at Target that's over $100, I let Husband know first. I just don't put myself in situations conducive to cheating. I'm open with Husband about everything. I thought the mentality was mutual.

So yesterday I did something that I feel horrible about. I installed a keylogger program on our laptop. This is a major deception that I am keeping from Husband. And the guilt is eating me up. On one hand, I feel like I need to tell him. And on the other hand, I wish I would have purchased two so that I could install it on our desktop, too.

Anyway, if you made it this far, thank you very much for reading. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

1) Stop feeling guilty about installing the logger. He has breached trust, he deserves to be monitored.

2) Where there is smoke there is fire. Unless he is a fireman, you need to be deeply concerned.

3) Take care of yourself and your kids FIRST from here on out.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think you need to feel guilty about installing the keylogger. Its what you need to heal. I had one installed on my H's computer for awhile without him knowing. How else are you going to be able to trust him if you cant compare what he says with what you know? You'll have to be able to check if he's telling the truth for awhile, without him knowing it, if you will ever heal. 

Im really sorry you are going through this. i would be so crushed, too. just remember not to lose yourself.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I disagree with the above responses. It sounds like many people have very high expectations for their spouses in terms of finding interest in people outside the marriage. We're all human and we all have a natural desire to love even if we don't act, and to have expectations that are above human is to set yourself up for hurt. If you don't want to be hurt then place more realistic expectations to begin with. Both me and my husband have open discussions about finding other people because we both know that this kind of thing happens and because we made a commitment we would never act on it but we would openly discuss if any such feelings came up. This keeps us from letting what is simply human behaviour breech our trust for each other.

I am lucky that because of my husband and our agreement I've never been put in a position where I feel like I have to spy on him. To be honest it makes me sick to see people spying on their spouses, people they love, and treating them like weeds that have to be controlled instead of the humans that they are.

I think that if you have these feelings with your husband you need to talk about how you feel with him directly, and ask him how he felt and what he thinks about finding another woman. You two should talk about these feelings including how he feels with the marriage because maybe it's a sign. And if you two can't talk about it to the extent that you feel you need to track his every move then maybe you're marriage isn't the same marriage you entered anymore.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Thank you Sandy and Blanca. Red flags went up all over the place with my findings. So it's really hard for me to fully trust him again.

Blanca, may I ask how long you kept the keylogger installed on your computer? Also, if you told your husband about it, how did he react?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Don't feel guilty. And don't be swayed by his tears. So he never cries? He's already proven himself a liar and a cheat. You've absolutely no way of knowing if he has followed through. And he's never going to tell you, that's clear. It is all "I never respond" and nothing ever happened. You have zero way to know this.

The idea of other people crossing your radar is something that needs to be discussed as the previous poster states. But this is not someone just popping up and an attraction forming. This is a guy who wants to live out a certain fantasy and he's willing to risk his family to do so. That's so totally different than day-to-day encounters that have the potential to get out of hand. He's LOOKING for an encounter.

I wouldn't believe a thing the guy tells me for a long, long time. And those tears again, are manipulative. Boo hoo. He's been caught. He should be thanking god he got caught. 

Now, what's he going to do about whatever it is that drove him to this place? What is he going to do to repair things? Have you asked him? Do you know what you want or need?

I'm really sorry you are facing this. It would kill me. I can't imagine how you are holding up.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

XiaSulin said:


> I disagree with the above responses. It sounds like many people have very high expectations for their spouses in terms of finding interest in people outside the marriage. We're all human and we all have a natural desire to love even if we don't act, and to have expectations that are above human is to set yourself up for hurt. If you don't want to be hurt then place more realistic expectations to begin with. Both me and my husband have open discussions about finding other people because we both know that this kind of thing happens and because we made a commitment we would never act on it but we would openly discuss if any such feelings came up. This keeps us from letting what is simply human behaviour breech our trust for each other.
> 
> I am lucky that because of my husband and our agreement I've never been put in a position where I feel like I have to spy on him. To be honest it makes me sick to see people spying on their spouses, people they love, and treating them like weeds that have to be controlled instead of the humans that they are.
> 
> I think that if you have these feelings with your husband you need to talk about how you feel with him directly, and ask him how he felt and what he thinks about finding another woman. You two should talk about these feelings including how he feels with the marriage because maybe it's a sign. And if you two can't talk about it to the extent that you feel you need to track his every move then maybe you're marriage isn't the same marriage you entered anymore.


I disagree with all of the above...

You say your vows in front of God and all your family, those vows are meant to be cherished and not broken. If you're married, why should you be looking elsewhere for someone else to fullfill your needs/wants. You shouldnt feel guilty about putting a keylogger on your computer, in fact, theres one on mine and its password blocked, if a keylogger is the only way you will ever find out the truth, then theres no need in feeling bad about it. You can google keylogger and download one on to your desktop for free, it records all chats and websites visited. Im so sorry you're having to go through all of this. Have you thought about going to see a marriage counsoler and seeing why your husband is looking elsewhere for his needs/wants or whatever it is he's looking for?


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

XiaSulin said:


> If you don't want to be hurt then place more realistic expectations to begin with.


XiaSulin, I'm a little unclear with this sentence. I thought I had realistic expectations with Husband. My problem stems with him actually putting himself in situations that would be conducive to cheating. Perusing affair sites to get off. Okay, fine. Reading Craiglist personals to get turned on. Okay, fine. Posting your own ads on Craigslist. No, not fine. I think I may understand a little what you are saying. That he and I need to talk when these feelings come over us and we need to be open with one another. Yes?



> To be honest it makes me sick to see people spying on their spouses, people they love, and treating them like weeds that have to be controlled instead of the humans that they are.


Believe you me, this is how I feel, too. That is why I have this guilt eating me up. Husband took me out to lunch today. He was being so nice. And it took all my reserve to keep from blurting out, "I installed a keylogger on the laptop!"



> I think that if you have these feelings with your husband you need to talk about how you feel with him directly, and ask him how he felt and what he thinks about finding another woman. You two should talk about these feelings including how he feels with the marriage because maybe it's a sign.


We have talked about it. He keeps telling me that he loves me and our family. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me, that he doesn't want another woman, that all that internet stuff was just for his excitement, he'd never really meet anyone in person.



> And if you two can't talk about it to the extent that you feel you need to track his every move then maybe you're marriage isn't the same marriage you entered anymore.


He and I can talk til we're blue in the face, but how will I really know if I can trust him again? Words can only go so far. It would be nice if I could just turn on a switch that would remove any doubt from my mind.

And you're right. It's probably not the same marriage it was 7 years ago. With all my doubts now, I don't even know if 7 years ago it was even the marriage I was thinking. 

This just sucks all around.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

dobo said:


> Don't feel guilty. And don't be swayed by his tears. So he never cries? He's already proven himself a liar and a cheat. You've absolutely no way of knowing if he has followed through. And he's never going to tell you, that's clear. It is all "I never respond" and nothing ever happened. You have zero way to know this.
> 
> The idea of other people crossing your radar is something that needs to be discussed as the previous poster states. But this is not someone just popping up and an attraction forming. This is a guy who wants to live out a certain fantasy and he's willing to risk his family to do so. That's so totally different than day-to-day encounters that have the potential to get out of hand. He's LOOKING for an encounter.
> 
> ...


Dobo, you've hit the nail on the hit with everything in your post. His crying was so out of the norm that it raised a red flag in my head. Why are you crying if supposedly this was all just for kicks?

And I told him that it was the fact that he was actively looking for someone that bothered me the most. There's other ways to get off, if that indeed was his intention.

I'll admit that our sex life wasn't the greatest. It started going downhill after our first child. I just started losing interest in it. It's been maybe 5 times a month. It has picked up though since we've been talking about this to almost every day.

He has deactivated his myspace and facebook, not that I had problems with those. I have no problem with him looking at internet porn, but he thinks he might have to stop because he said it excites him to the point that he thinks, "Okay, what next?" I have free access to his phone.

As far as my own wants and needs, I just want to be able to trust him again.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

amberlynn said:


> You can google keylogger and download one on to your desktop for free, it records all chats and websites visited.


Thank you for this info. I do need a keylogger for our desktop computer.



> Im so sorry you're having to go through all of this. Have you thought about going to see a marriage counsoler and seeing why your husband is looking elsewhere for his needs/wants or whatever it is he's looking for?


This has passed through my mind. I don't know if Husband would agree to it though because he doesn't like being embarrassed, and to talk about it would be very embarrassing for him. But then if this is something we need to do to save our marriage, then we really should be going. Thank you for your suggestion.


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## Yofarm (Jul 15, 2009)

it sounds like hubby is looking for some fun because your marriage lacks intimacy and is just functioning on a parental level. How about you two talk about your fantasies and maybe visit a "swing" club. If that's too out, look for ways to sensually excite each other. Policing him only adds to mistrust on both sides.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Yeah, a marriage without trust needs to visit a swing club. Are you a professional counselor or something? I mean, the way you've just driven straight to the heart of the matter...:rofl:

Sex is one thing. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. They can be. 

However, this guy is into betrayal. That's a funny way to get intimacy from your partner.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Hi Jane

First off I sympthize and understand how you are feeling. Betrayal hurts in an unbelievable way.

You have done nothing wrong. You need answers. You want to find the bottom of the rabit hole dont you?

Im afraid of what you might find.

Prepare yourself. Not knowing details is sometimes easier. Do you want to work it out? You need to get to councelling together ASAP.

If he really loves you and respects you he will go, regardless of how enabarressed he might be.

He may even feel better in the end.

Take care.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> 1) Stop feeling guilty about installing the logger. He has breached trust, he deserves to be monitored.
> 
> 2) Where there is smoke there is fire. Unless he is a fireman, you need to be deeply concerned.
> 
> 3) Take care of yourself and your kids FIRST from here on out.


:iagree: Get to the bottom of this before it destroys you. My stbx cheated for a couple of years. Unfortunately, I chose to live in a world of denial. It has really destroyed the person I once was.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I thought about doing the keylogger on my husband's computer, but realized I will likely find more than I want to know. I would still not have the courage to confront him. I still can't change his behavior or commitment to the marriage. It will only hurt me more to know what he actually says in chats and email. 

About the Ashley Madison sites, I think they can be pure fantasy, with no intention of real life meetings. They can also be as addictive as porn sites. 

There is obvious issues in the marriage that lead you to this point of distrust and emotional cheating. I really don't think uncovering more dirt on the computer will resolve anything. There is much more I can say or advise, but I will leave it at that. Good luck.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Thanks, Reeling, for both sharing your story and posting the other. It seriously sucks when you've been going about your life thinking everything was fine, and then reality hits you like a sledgehammer.

I have no big update at this time. Husband has been acting a tad nicer than his usual self. Our sex life has been exponentially hotter. And the only thing I discovered from the keylogger so far is that Husband seems to have a thing for Lauren Conrad. However, I did install a keylogger on our desktop computer, too, last night.

Fingers crossed that the rest of my updates will be as boring as this one. ray:


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

jane. said:


> Fingers crossed that the rest of my updates will be as boring as this one. ray:


I sincerely hope this is the case. If not, you will at least know for sure. You are doing the right thing!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jane. said:


> Blanca, may I ask how long you kept the keylogger installed on your computer? Also, if you told your husband about it, how did he react?


I actually dont know how long i had the keylogger on the computer. for awhile, i think. I had some other program on there, too, that took snap shots of the web pages he visited. but the stupid thing never did work right. I have a program on there now called K9 web protection (H actually installed it to put my mind at rest). its free and it works well. only problem is it puts the icon in the applications folder so its not very discrete. still, if you just hid the icon somewhere you can monitor all his activities. 

i think my H just felt guilty about all the porn i found so he never really did say anything. from what i have read on here that is an uncommon reaction, though. seems most spouses get upset about the breech of privacy. man, if my H had of gotten mad that id broken his privacy i wouldve just spit in his face (ya i have a temper). i told him it was on there and that i was going to keep it on there so he better watch it. lol.


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