# Marriage Problems - advice needed



## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

Hi all,

Let me try to keep it concise. It would be great to hear some advice.

*The setting:*

1. We have been married for about 9 years now. We are both in mid-to-late 30's. 2 kids, one is 8y old the other is 2y old. We essentially married about 1 year after we met and she got pregnant 3 months after we met.

2. My wife hasn't worked for that entire period and was stay at home mom till recently where she found a job (remotely) and now travels a bit. 

3. My job is quite high ranked and I constantly work long hours (I'd say 70h a week is normal). I do love my work though.

*The problem:*

Looking back now, over this 9-year period, somehow we never had great communication. I was (am) very busy at work and the 1st kid appeared so quickly we never had time to know each other (even during the pregnancy i was mostly away on work trips) or somehow build a good connection. 

Unfortunately, over time things have gotten worse:

1. The communication channel is mostly non-existent and when we talk we usually argue. I find myself talking to her in offensive ways I have never talked to anyone. I do take blame in saying bad things which is one of the reasons I try to reduce talking to her as I don't want to say them.

Usually the reason for arguing is the kids: for instance, I would like her to do some stuff she cannot/does not want to and similarly for her. For example, I would ask her to work with the older kid during the day and help the child on school problems but she never does it, or rarely. When she does it, its inconsistent it feels forced (that is, she will do it 1-2 times and then nothing). I do believe we do not agree on our objectives for the child. I would like the child to learn hard work and dedication while she is most concerned whether the child is happy. 

In the few times where we talked nicely and at length, nothing changes, so its super frustrating for me. 

In general, its crazy that I tell myself to not say bad things and be patient, but somehow it doesn't work as she says she will do stuff and doesn't do it. 

One of the things that really frustrates me is that she thinks things should be 50/50. But at the same time, I am working extremely hard and the family has all the financial stability it needs and she does like the fact I am successful at it. However, I cannot also do some other tasks like work with the kid for 1-2 hour a day. I am happy to do other tasks, but not everything. I am not bothered to do some tasks, but I somehow feel she does not understand how much effort it takes to ensure financial stability. Even when I did what she wanted, she did not do what I wanted from her, so I figured even if I do more, nothing would change.

Even small things: when I do tell her serious stuff at my work, as soon as the small child goes to her, she stops talking to me and turns to the child, right in the middle and forgets the conversation we were having. This kind of stuff really turns me off.

2. I would say we definitely have very little common interests and somehow due to the constant arguing the last few years, all connection is lost. I do try to avoid talking to her as I don't want another scandal. 

As a result, even on weekends, I would rather take the kids and go somewhere without her.

3. I've noticed that over time she has become so attached to the smaller child that she spends all of the time with it. I mentioned it to her few times that we need to have our time after say 9pm when the kids go to bed, but she somehow starts putting the child to sleep at 8pm and this process continues until 12am or even later. They sit in the room, talk , play, etc until the child slowly goes to sleep (and she typically asleeps with it). In fact, as I am typing this, she is with the kid in the room, sleeping with it.

This essentially means we have NO face-to-face time after work, except for 30 min or so. I am not sure how to fix it and its an issue. I told her that few times.

4. In the last year especially, I already found myself not wanting to return home and just staying longer and longer at work, because at home, even if no arguing, there is no communication so its kind of odd to be there.

5. In terms of sex life, things have never been amazing (I've had GF's before where the sex was amazing if nothing else), but there were few times when it was good. However, over the last 2 years the sex is almost non-existent (like the communication). This is kind of strange too as we are both I would say, fairly attractive people. I have even found myself increasingly spending time on various sex sites which is kind of weird but explainable (as the sex life is so bad). 

I could notice that had I not been so busy at work, I am pretty sure by now I would have had an affair with someone else. 

6. I should say that during this time I have been very encouraging for her to find a job (even told her we will cover any $$ expenses needed for the kids), learn new languages, go to the gym when she wants to, she has full access to all money accounts, etc. I have tried to help her grow somehow in what she wants to pursue, but it hasn't worked out well.

7. Recently, she was away on a long job trip of few weeks (job training in another country) -- I should say I helped her find this job. I thought that is the ideal period to finally "reset" things. As her parents were here to take care of the kids, I noticed it was much more pleasant at home and quiet and has much more positive energy. 

For the first time in a while, I was looking forward to the weekend and spending time with the kids outside and so on.

Unfortunately, on the first day she returned, it was the same scandal about the kids as before. 

8. Its kind of strange, on the outside, things look perfect (many people say that -- young people, great family, beautiful/smart kids, financially well off, etc), but on the inside things are not good at all and are getting worse. I definitely feel that I am in some kind of a relationship which is not good for anyone: me, her or the kids. Its not the way the kids should be growing up.

9. I am worried as I am typically not one where such sensitive situations easily disturb me. But if I have noticed it now over such a long period of time, and it is disturbing. For instance, I am definitely not looking forward to weekends and when I get home I tend to just sit on my laptop and try to avoid her if possible, in order to avoid confrontation. This for instance means that when we have holidays, e.g., summer, things are weird as we are supposed to relax together but that is strange in the current climate.

At any rate, I have tried to analyze the situation carefully and over time, but I don't see an easy way to fix this. Its a form of inertia now where things are moving without any passion. 

The situation reminds me of a famous saying: "All marriages end up in divorce or quiet desperation." I am definitely in the quiet desperation situation and I am not sure what to do about it anymore. 

Any advice appreciated.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Her "job" is to be a Mom and since you can support your family on your income I don't understand why you think her getting a job helps your marriage. She needs to be at home especially with you working so many hours. You aren't helping the situation by staying at work, especially having two children. They need their Dad. It sounds like she is spending time in your child's room to avoid you. She probably isn't feeling a lot of emtional connect with you which is probably why your selfie isn't good. Have you thought about marriage counseling? You two need to learn how to communicate.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She got pregnant 3 months after you met.. and you're wondering why now, years later you find communication to be poor and you have nothing in common; you got married for the wrong reason. 

You're probably going to have to face the hard truth, the two of you are not compatible, and you're going to have to pull the plug. Sooner rather than later, life is short, ya know?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You don't sound like an emotionally vested parent - i.e. calling your child an 'it'. In fact, you sound resentful that your children take your wife's time away from you.

Have you told her that you feel disconnected? You need to have a hard talk with her about the state of your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How could you expect to have any communication when you're gone 80% of the time? If you really want your marriage/family to work, you'd find a way to work fewer hours. You only have a few years left with your kids - years that you are SUPPOSED to use molding your kids, showing them you love them, giving them your undivided attention, teaching them how to become happy healthy adults. And married couples have to have time together to 'date' or else they WILL grow apart; there's no way around it.

This is in your control.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> You don't sound like an emotionally vested parent - i.e. calling your child an 'it'.


I saw that, was going to comment but I figured maybe it was done to keep it gender nonspecific for privacy reasons.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I saw that, was going to comment but I figured maybe it was done to keep it gender nonspecific for privacy reasons.


Also, there was no statement claiming ownership of the children such as 'our children' or 'my children'. It's 'the' kids or 'the' kid.

OP, are you writing in this manner for anonymity? Because, I gotta tell ya, no one on this board would know you from a hot rock.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I will never understand why men don't/can't understand how being a mom changes us completely. Being faced with the responsibility of forming a human being ( figuratively and physically) is the most challenging and daunting thing we will do in our lives. To constantly be in demand to care for all the child needs is exhausting both emotionally and physically. I also find it strange that at least once in your response you called your child an "it". 
She got pregnant 3 months into the marriage at a time when she is just wrapping her mind around being a wife and now she is going to be essentially a single parent with a husband who works 70h at work. Do you know how lonely that is. She's probably feeling unfulfilled with obviously no support from you. Why would you encourage her to get a job that requires her traveling when you probably don't need the money? My advice is to check in with you family by being present and reconnect with your wife and it probably should involve you reducing the hours you both work. If you noticed she's not helping with the homework, make it your responsibility to do that. Kids do not raise themselves. You want your kids raised a certain way put in the time with them instead of putting it all on her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You speak of your marriage dispassionately, focusing, it seems to me, on the contract aspect of it - you have certain duties, she has certain duties. You've gone way overboard on what you see as your duty as a provider. As others have said, you're not around enough to be a decent father or husband. For men who have no choice in the matter, then OK, but you sound like you choose to work 70 hrs./week.

For most women, the emotional connection is extremely important for a great sex life. You don't speak at all of love (do you love your wife?) Yet, you're critical of the quality and quantity of sex. My sense is that your W might have her own criticisms.

I think you should start to try to look at your W with some love and kindness instead of as the person who is falling down on a job whose description you have tacitly defined.

Right now, your language borders on contempt for your spouse. This is a dangerous place to be in a marriage. Typically, the one who shows contempt is surprised to learn that his/her spouse is returning the feelings, often out of sheer self-defense.


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## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

Hi all,

Some interesting feedback here. Thanks! Yes, I wrote 'it' mostly for anonymity reasons. 

Let me address few questions:

1. Yes, I do work long hours -- my job is something I really enjoy doing, probably more than anything else. I do work with really great people daily, in a great environment and its a lot of fun to be there (although its quite a bit of stress too as its a highly competitive place). I generally do not treat my job as a 'job' -- and its something that definitely preoccupies my mind deeply. I've been working that way for perhaps 14-15 years already. One would definitely say I am a workaholic but its the main thing that makes me really happy, especially with all the problems in the family.

2. I would say that I am not a great husband or a father -- I do realize this weakness. But I am not sure how to fix it exactly even though I think a lot about it. Perhaps because my parents were divorced when I was around 12 (and even before, the family never worked), I don't have a good model for what needs to be done in a family, beyond securing $$$. I actually do not even keep track of the $$$ -- I know roughly how much $$$ we have but I have not looked at the bank account in months/may be year. I do like to be with the kids and to go out with them, but I somehow see it as more important that the kids are successful at whatever they do and that the 'free time' I spend with them is not so valuable to them. Perhaps this is partly due to my upbringing where the main thing was to be successful at whatever you do and all else was secondary. I cannot relate to any other way of doing things (and I try to).

So I do see a problem for myself here, and I am not a good father or husband, but I feel somehow very uneducated in this setting. 

On the other side, my wife comes from a very stable, strong family with lots of traditions --they are very calm, collected people that would never think about divorce, but also put focus more on the kids being happy than successful. 

Even today we had a huge scandal, and this morning it went on for a while, again about one of the kids. She even said she prefers the kid to be like some person X (X is not successful but she thinks he is nice) than me (she says my parents made me mentally unstable). This really pissed me off and I told her to call her divorced friend and ask for her divorce lawyer. She drove me so crazy that I left for work in the afternoon and stayed there till midnight. I do realize my flaws as a husband and father but I definitely do not trust her enough to share any of this as then she may use it against me in some argument. 

3. I would say most of the scandals and arguments (even today) revolve around the kids. In particular, I would expect her to think more about what the plan for the kids is, both short-term and long-term, what they should do to be successful and how to arrange that. I have put a lot of thought into that and we have discussed few activities that we think are good (e.g., sports, math, arts, etc). But I somehow do not see her mentally involved in the future of the kids, which drives me crazy. For instance, she would never say: lets discuss the problem the kid has now and what to do about it. I have suggestion X, Y and Z. This never happens -- I randomly find out there are issues that she somehow does not notice and this drives me insane.

Somehow I feel I am doing my part with the financial stability and status of the family, and I need her to also think about managing the kids better, but she doesn't. This is a major source of trouble, that I can't rely on her to think and to guide the children. I find it difficult to rely on someone for more personal items when they do no think extensively about their own kids -- it makes me distrust them.

4. Her job is actually part-time now: she works from home (with occasional visits, then the MIL comes here to take care of the kids). 

5. I think the situation is such that as soon as some conversation starts, the feeling is that there will immediately be a scandal so we try to avoid talking. This is unfortunate as we are both very communicative people outside, and I really like discussing stuff on various topics with people (I do work with people daily). But somehow with her, its a huge barrier. 

6. As far as passion/love, etc, that is a good question. Well, when we do connect, there is a good physical interaction / sex, but this happens very rarely now. When she was away for few weeks, I did not miss her at all (in fact, it was better as there were no scandals), except the physical contact with a woman. If there was another woman, I would not have missed her at all. I do like her, she is a good person and I would help her of course in any situation (like a good friend), but I don't feel any passion that I must see her or anything like that. I somehow also never had a connection with a woman which did not heavily revolve around sex and physical contact. I did have 1 GF and with her I felt a much deeper connection -- it was great being with her. Now, with the wife, we somehow never got the time to build this up, so the connection stayed kind of hollow. So many years later we somehow don't know much about each other, even though, I suspect if we were without the kids and just the 2 of us, we would be able to perhaps get more into it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What the hell happened to you in childhood that made you believe that being successful in a job is the only thing in life that matters?

You are SEVERELY misinformed. No colleague, no customer, no boss, is going to stand by your bedside as you die and say 'wow, what a great job you did for us!' He/she is going to say - to the OTHER people in the office - ok, guys, he's gone, who's gonna take up his slack? Get to it!

The most important role you will EVER have in your life is to raise happy, healthy kids who become happy healthy adults. That's the ONLY most important job in your life. But all you can talk about is if you've made them wanting to become SUCCESSFUL IN THEIR JOBS?

For all of humans' experience on this planet, only about 1% of 1% has been spent caring about success in your job. Guess what the rest of our lives has been about? FAMILY. The ONLY thing that matters is raising happy healthy kids. The rest of this crap you're spouting is pure EGO - yours.

WTH, man? I hope to hell your wife is at least trying to make up for your lack of love for your own kids. As well as your skewed perception that job success is the only true way to prove success. I feel sorry for your wife AND your kids.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, you need some serious growing up, and fast. Your wife is not the issue. I am amazed she is staying with you... I guess money talks.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mf321 said:


> I would say that I am not a great husband or a father -- I do realize this weakness. But I am not sure how to fix it exactly even though I think a lot about it.
> 
> So I do see a problem for myself here, and I am not a good father or husband, but I feel somehow very uneducated in this setting.


Then let your wife - who comes from a strong, stable, SUCCESSFUL family - teach you.

Put away your misguided, uneducated pride, and LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE.


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## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

turnera,

1. I should say my parents divorced early and it was a very difficult divorce, for instance, I was asked to testify against 1 of the parents in court, when I was say 13. It was very complex and definitely affected me in unknown ways.

2. I guess on both sides of the family, people always talked about work as the only thing that matters , and many are very successful in their work. I don't remember any family activities or lunches or dinners, etc. Somehow the individualism of the person, the sink-or-swim mentality, was heavily emphasized since I was small. I have terrible fear of failing at my work even when things go great. It definitely keeps me going.

3. I do admit I have cloudy concept of a "family". And I would listen to my wife about what to do but I am afraid then the kids won't be successful in their life as she doesn't push them to do absolutely anything. Frankly, I don't push them anywhere near what I was asked to do, but she is also extreme in not asking them to do anything. It is not just me who has noticed this. Even her mom says she is disorganized. There has to be some balance. And I somehow do not trust her judgement enough to let her control what happens with the kids.

Duguescin,

Yes, I am trying to fix stuff, but I am myself not sure of the exact steps. I know I am unhappy with my involvement and I am looking for concrete steps to fix things. This is why I am on this board. And you are right that she likes the status that the $$$ bring - the kids are in the best schools, we live in nice neighborhoods, she meets with interesting people daily, etc.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

You have 3 options:
1. You lay off the demands on the kids and you let her do what she feels like doing.
2. You want to have the kids do what you think is right, then you need to quit your job and find one that get you home when you need to work with your kids.
3. You talk to your wife and you listen to her. You do not try to tell her what to do. You do not yell, you do not argue, you listen. She may have some interesting things to tell you.


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## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

tdwal,

I don't care too much for the money, as I wrote. I have no idea what she spends or what she buys, etc. 

I don't provide excuses, I am only trying to accurately describe the situation. Also, my job is such that it does require a lot of time investment outside of work. This is simply not a job you can do 9-5, but there are other people here who are with the job, work hard, but in their families, they are actually happy, so I don't think its the longer hours that are the main problem. 

For example, when she was away, I did look forward to the weekends and it was much better -- I cooked for the kids, we went out much more, and we had a lot of fun. When she is here, I don't want to do any of this as then she will think things are getting better without her putting any effort on the kids -- which is something I explicitly asked her. In a sense, I don't want to do anything that will make her happy if she doesn't do anything that I ask her to do. Its really s-hitty, I want to do it, I see the time when I can do it, but it mentally blocks me, as when I did do it few times, she never did what I asked her to.

I know I need to communicate much better, and I do try but somehow fail.

Duguesclin,

Yes, indeed, these are 3 options. I actually reached your choice 1 to avoid scandals. But I feel that if I do 2 and make $$$ and she does nothing, then what is her purpose here? This is not a great choice. Re: 3, yes, when we did talk, she says what she thinks but can't back it up as she doesn't investigate things in depth somehow. But I do plan to try more of 3, I don't see any other choice.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

When you threaten divorce to your wife, it's no light matter. Unless you were completely serious it's a very empty and childish threat that was meant to be hurtful and scare her. 

Also, running away from family problems to work until midnight? Are you trying to encourage her to assume you're having an affair, or are you intentionally trying to start one so you can say it's her fault for driving you away with arguments? 

Does your wife know how amazingly fun your job is for you? I'm not seeing a level of enthusiasm for being with your family that even touches upon the joy your job seems to bring. I feel bad for your children.


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## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

Satya,

Yes, she drove me crazy and it was more of a childish remark. I should not say that, but she did compare me to person X whom I really dislike, and she knows this, and knows this will upset me. She knows I go to my work, and I am not going to start an affair, etc. My work is walking distance from the house.

She does know I love my job. It is 100% true that I am more happy to be at the job than with her. I don't like being with her. It puts me immediately into a weird state of mind.

However, I do want to be with my kids. As I said, when she was away, we had so much better time and for the 1st time, I was actually thinking what I would do with them on the weekend, what we would cook, etc. I felt much more involved and wanting to be involved. For the first time, ironically, when she was not here, it felt more like a real family. Even her parents remarked that they saw a big change. 

This is actually the main reason I am seeking help -- I saw that I am capable of being with my kids and helping around when she is not around. So I don't want my kids to suffer when she is here and somehow I am more excluded.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Seems like she is hurting you for attention and in turn you're hurting her to get away. If you don't like her then I'm not sure what kind of advice you're seeking. Divorcing her and having 50% custody seems like the solution, but you're asking for other ideas. I don't really have any others to suggest. I hope other, more knowledgeable posters can offer more assistance.


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## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

tdwal,

Good question. I am 99% sure for the older one (a boy), he will say he wants to be like Dad. We do get along great -- I take him to sports occasionally and he sometimes comes to my office at work to play games or to read a book or do homework. I don't know if that is good or not, but it is what it is.

I should say that I do worry for the small one (a girl) -- she is very active and so smart and I don't want her to witness the scandals as then it will transfer to her own life later, she will find someone like her Dad, which I don't think is good for her, as I see myself as a bad husband.

This is why I am trying to fix it -- as the kids get older, I don't want them to witness all of these problems. I do want to make a change, but I feel like my wife blocks me from doing it, because she doesn't want to do what I ask her to.

Satya,

I don't think we fundamentally dislike each other. We have good moments occasionally. I do think the kids appearing so early on -- and the first kid was difficult (there were issues), and right after he stabilized, the second one appeared -- in this situation, we never ever had the time to know each other, or learn how to communicate (this combined with super busy work). And now somehow we are bearing the fruits of this mess -- we have problems to fix, but don't know how to communicate to fix them. That is my hypothesis, but may be I am wrong. This is why I described the situation and asked for advice. I feel like I really am not sure how to proceed.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

mf321, how would you feel if your wife was trying to advise you on doing your job better? 

Try to see your wife as an investor in your company rather than an employee. An employee that does not fit the team gets fired. However the team will adapt to an investor that is difficult to work with.

Put in your mind that your wife is not damaging your kids. They are fine and stop worrying about them. Focus instead on your wife and leave your laptop at work. If she is with the kids when you are home, read a relationship book. Then discuss it with her when she is available.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Sounds as if you already checked out. It also seems that you are making a case for divorce as you seemed to be listing all of her faults. Thinking about the ex girlfriend? Remember the grass always seems greener on the other side. She became an ex for a reason. Get into counseling to either stay and work things out or admit if you want out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mf321 said:


> I would listen to my wife about what to do but I am afraid then the kids won't be successful in their life as she doesn't push them to do absolutely anything.


 This is what a marriage is about, mf321 - compromise. Taking the best of both of you to create a balanced, happy family. You're treating your own wife AND your kids - both of whom you are supposed to love - just like your parents treated you - worthless unless they excel at everything.

That is so so sad.

Won't be successful in their life?

Explain to me what successful looks like to you. It's a sure bet that it's not a healthy definition. Ask ANY counselor, any preacher, any 80 year old person, what success means. 

They'll tell you - success means leading a happy, fulfilling life with TONS of time watching your kids grow up, having fun with them, playing card games with them, riding bikes together, playing ball, rollerskating, going to carnivals, taking them to see Santa...NO amount of money is EVER going to be as important as being the father who does that, who IS that. 

You are training your kids to be just as ruthless, just as heartless, just as money/power hungry as your parents made you. 

Is that really what you want? Is that the legacy you want to leave? "My dad, I don't know if he loved me or not, I never really saw him except on holidays, I can't even tell you what he was like. But hey! At least I earned more money than he did! Maybe he finally became proud of me for making the money; of course, I'll never know, since we never even talk..."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In case you're not getting it...'being successful in life' does NOT mean becoming CEO of some company. Of course, that's all you know, so that's the only way you know to measure a life.

But to MOST people, success means having a loving family who can't wait to see you. Making them happy. Having lots and lots of friends who you spend time with laughing and playing games and just hanging out together with. Being the house where all your kids and all the kids' friends want to be, so you get to know all your kids really well, as well as their friends, and so that your house is always filled with laughter and fun and good times.

And so that once the kids are grown, and have their OWN families, all THOSE people can't wait to come stay at your house and hang out some more. 

THAT is success.

Your kids won't be around more than a few more years. Once they are gone (and remember, they'll have no reason to come back and see you, since they'll have had no decent memories as a family other than being harangued to do more, make more, accomplish more), think about how empty your life is going to be. You'll have a wife who no longer loves you because you've treated her with contempt your whole marriage for not being ambitious enough; and most likely, she'll divorce you to move on and find someone who WILL love her.

So basically, stay on your path and in another 15 years, you'll be alone. Alone with your oh-so-successful job, coming home to an empty house, having meaningless sex with meaningless women who'll gladly take your money and gifts, but then you'll still return home to an empty house. Is that what you want?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mf321 said:


> When she is here, I don't want to do any of this as then she will think things are getting better without her putting any effort on the kids -- which is something I explicitly asked her. In a sense, I don't want to do anything that will make her happy if she doesn't do anything that I ask her to do. Its really s-hitty, I want to do it, I see the time when I can do it, but it mentally blocks me, as when I did do it few times, she never did what I asked her to.
> 
> But I feel that if I do 2 and make $$$ and she does nothing, then what is her purpose here?


Why did you marry her? Did you think she'd make you look good or something? Cos you sure don't love her.

Set her free. Set them all free so they can grow up happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mf321 said:


> I saw that I am capable of being with my kids and helping around when she is not around. So I don't want my kids to suffer when she is here and somehow I am more excluded.


What does this mean? When she is around the kids want to be with her and not you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mf321 said:


> I do want to make a change, but I feel like *my wife blocks me* from doing it, because *she doesn't want to do what I ask her to*.


So everything is your wife's fault, SHE makes you be a bad parent and a bad husband...and it's all because she won't agree that you are God and you are the only person capable of having a right idea?


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## mf321 (Mar 20, 2015)

Thanks everyone for the replies.

turnera,

These are good points. I had to think about them for a bit before replying. Well, I tried to paint an accurate picture -- my objective was not to try and make myself look in a positive light.

-> You are right that my definition of success is very narrow. I agree with that. But I do find this to be tricky to balance: I've seen many people who had happy childhoods like the one you describe, who later suffered due to not working hard when they should have. Finding the right balance is hard. Clearly, we have not found it yet, and I am not sure how to do so.

-> I don't think I am always right: I tend to work with colleagues daily and we argue all the time, trying to see who is right and then proceed with that decision. In fact, many of my views on things are very flexible -- I am open to discussion, but its impossible to start one with my wife because of the huge history of always arguing and fights. This is the difficult bit. Perhaps I am expecting too much discussion or I am too aggressive. But I should say, besides her, this never happens to me anywhere else. 

-> Its difficult for me to determine if I am the root cause of the problems or its her. Perhaps its me, I am not sure. Or both. If I am causing the family to be worse by being here, then as I told my wife, if she and the kids will be more happy, then I can leave and not be here, but only help with $$$. I am open to suggestions, but I just don't know how to fix the broken relationship I have with my wife. Perhaps we are fundamentally not compatible -- I am not sure what is the best course of action.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well you could start with not arguing with her. Listening to her, and considering if she might be right some times. Validating her and her concerns. IF she were to feel validated, she would likely soften her stance and you two might get somewhere.

And you could listen to us and consider that you are not the only person with the right answer.


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