# Childhood issues are ruining my marriage.



## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

I was the product of an unwanted teen pregnancy. Altthough my mother grew to love me very much, my grandparents never let me forget I was the horrible mistake my mother made. In my adult life, I sought to be loved like a sacred and cherished possesion, that one special person, the glittering prize, the apple of someone's eye. I thought I'd found that with my husband, but things changed after we moved into our own home. I found out that he grew up feeling he was always denied the things he wanted most, and the way he coped with it was by denying he cared about anything. We will have been married for 7 years in October. Now that our house has come to feel like home, we've fallen into those childhood roles, me being desperate to be loved above all other things in his life, and him being afraid to show he cares, for fear that what he wants will be snatched away. I was starting therapy about a year ago, but I was laid off from my job, and now we can't afford it. We're in danger of bankruptcy or foreclosure, but I feel like I could handle the money stresses if we didn't have relationship problems too. I've tried to explain to my husband that I need to feel that he desires me, but he acts like he doesn't understand the meaning of the word desire. He says he shows his love by going to work and paying bills. Isn't that what he would be doing even if I didn't exist? My husband doesn't seem to be aware of how much I'm struggling in our marriage. How can we find a way past this without paying for therapy?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I have the same problems. I think there are a great percentage of men out there who are like this. All our touchy-feely, tender, romantic notions are wasted on them. I am with you. I have to either learn to live with the fact that waiting on him, serving him, and not expecting anything in return, or divorce. That is my situation though. I don't claim to be exactly your situation, but I understand the part (more than anyone knows) about seeking to be loved and cherished and held up high on a pedestal. That's what I wanted. But honestly, it's just unrealistic for most men. I have seen very very few men out there like this. My husband scoffs at my fairy-tale notions - and just says that life isn't like a fairy tale.


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## lucky007 (Dec 30, 2010)

I hear a lot of great ideas on how to make your marriage work ..... but in the end if both parties aren't on board with working at it, then your efforts become pointless. 
Is your husband willing to work at your marriage? Even if he doesn't see any problems, is he willing to work at resolving the ones you see?


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

We've talked, just between ourselves, about his denial of emotion issues, but we never seem to get very far. He's very defensive, and I get a lot of passive/agressive manipulation. He says things like "I'm sorry, I'm stupid" or "I'm sorry, I'm no good, I don't know how to be romantic", just to avoid actually making a plan to get past it. He claims he's "all messed up in the head", but therapy wouldn't help him because he says he just can't open up to anyone. That includes me. He doesn't seem to realize what a change that is from when we were dating. We were dating each other exclusively for 3 1/2 years before we got married. I never would have been with him if he couldn't show his feelings. We moved in to our home 4 months after we were married. It was about 6 months after that when we started to have problems. We've been up and down ever since. I love him, and I want to make this work, but it's a knife in my heart to be treated like the cleaning lady with whom he occasionally has awkward sex.


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## Seekinghelp28 (Jul 27, 2011)

I felt that after reading your words I needed to write... 
I believe I may have a perspective to offer from the other side of the fence as, the situation with my wife has some similarities in the aspect of (myself) being distant and issues from the past, about closeness and emotional maturity affecting our relationship greatly. I sighed when I read that he says things like "I'm stupid" ...as I myself have made similar self derogatory statements.. It"s a way (albeit innefective) way of ending an uncomfortable argument... without truly knowing what to say... I can only speak knowing when I have made such statements that I truly felt that way....I believe with us guys it's a kneejerk reaction to solve...as we are genetically wired to be more task oriented which often results in wanting to throw solutions out there to solve them quickly....even if as with most complex emotional problems.....they cannot be solved this quickly.. More than likely in his own (misguided) way he is trying to make you feel better by telling you straitforward he believes your better than him, you might actually be up on a pedestal (even if it's not the one you would prefer) ...whereas women are wired more often be interpersonally oriented and delve much deeper into the same situations requiring ongoing longterm solutions....frequently it comes down to a fundemental difference in wiring... if something is brought up often enough (or too often) . It can come accross (even if it's deserved) "constant urging".. 
Maybe take a moment and see that through the faults in the marriage, you yourself say your house has become home. Look deeper into the way those silly words are said , look into him you know him better than anyone, they may be silly but they may also be very genuine.... from a man who still loves you very much but is as stressed as yourself and is working...hopefully hard, to support you through this time of hardship! 
As a male it's drummed into alot of us that we are good for fixing things, working hard and supporting monetarily (basically robot man)and not much else ( yes that is still the case today as progressive as we pretend to be.).. 
It's tough sometimes to overcome social programming in the best of circumstances let alone, through a negative childhood ... look into your man kiss him deeply, he more likely than not loves you and cherishes you, you are his glittering prize he saw walking towards him down the aisle...seven years and a "home" say it ...even if he is "sorry cuz he's stupid" and doesn't know how ..


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

I don't want to be on a pedestal, I just want to be considered a loving partner, not a weird stranger that won't leave. Let me give you an example of what's been going on. When we first started having problems, I thought it was just me, and that I needed to try harder to be a better wife. I was working full time plus a little extra at a very high pressure job, and I worried that I wasn't making enough time for us to be fun and romantic. One day I came home from work on time, about an hour before he got off from work, and I sent him a text asking if he knew what he'd like for dinner. We decided on what to eat, and I prepared the meal, to have it ready when he got home. As a little surprise, I dressed up in a racy babydoll negligee and high heels, with my hair done up and fresh make up. I set the table and lit candles. When he came home, I said "Sit down, and let me serve you." I made his plate and poured his drink. Now, I'm no supermodel, but I thought I looked pretty good, and we were still newlyweds, so I didn't expect us to make it through dinner. Turns out we didn't, but not the way you'd think. He sat there in silence, nibbling at his food, and looking off to the side or at his dinner plate, anywhere except at me. I tried to smile and have a conversation with him, but all I got was mumbled one word answers. I felt like I was some crazy stalker who'd chained him to the table to make him have a meal with me. After about 10 minutes that felt like an eternity, I said "Ok, nevermind, go watch tv. I clearly disgust you." He jumped up from the table, but said, "No, no, you look nice, it's just that this is so uncomfortable." Uncomfortable?!?!?!?!?!? We're husband and wife, home alone, how could it be uncomfortable? I was crushed by this incident. I felt that he really didn't love me at all. This is one of the incidents we talked about later on when he said he was stupid. He still doesn't have a good explanation as to why that evening went so badly. It's been a rollercoaster of "he loves me/he loves me not" since then.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Individual counseling.

I am in similar situation...counseling is helping me sooo much.


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

Unfortunately, we can't afford counseling now. I lost my job almost a year ago, our savings are gone, and we are struggling to keep up with the mortgage.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Seekinghelp28 said:


> I felt that after reading your words I needed to write...
> I believe I may have a perspective to offer from the other side of the fence as, the situation with my wife has some similarities in the aspect of (myself) being distant and issues from the past, about closeness and emotional maturity affecting our relationship greatly. I sighed when I read that he says things like "I'm stupid" ...as I myself have made similar self derogatory statements.. It"s a way (albeit innefective) way of ending an uncomfortable argument... without truly knowing what to say... I can only speak knowing when I have made such statements that I truly felt that way....I believe with us guys it's a kneejerk reaction to solve...as we are genetically wired to be more task oriented which often results in wanting to throw solutions out there to solve them quickly....even if as with most complex emotional problems.....they cannot be solved this quickly.. More than likely in his own (misguided) way he is trying to make you feel better by telling you straitforward he believes your better than him, you might actually be up on a pedestal (even if it's not the one you would prefer) ...whereas women are wired more often be interpersonally oriented and delve much deeper into the same situations requiring ongoing longterm solutions....frequently it comes down to a fundemental difference in wiring... if something is brought up often enough (or too often) . It can come accross (even if it's deserved) "constant urging"..
> Maybe take a moment and see that through the faults in the marriage, you yourself say your house has become home. Look deeper into the way those silly words are said , look into him you know him better than anyone, they may be silly but they may also be very genuine.... from a man who still loves you very much but is as stressed as yourself and is working...hopefully hard, to support you through this time of hardship!
> As a male it's drummed into alot of us that we are good for fixing things, working hard and supporting monetarily (basically robot man)and not much else ( yes that is still the case today as progressive as we pretend to be.)..
> It's tough sometimes to overcome social programming in the best of circumstances let alone, through a negative childhood ... look into your man kiss him deeply, he more likely than not loves you and cherishes you, you are his glittering prize he saw walking towards him down the aisle...seven years and a "home" say it ...even if he is "sorry cuz he's stupid" and doesn't know how ..


I totally agree on the above from my husband's perspective, we have been married for 13 years and I should tell you that I went through what you are going through. I definitely lived in a fairy tale world for the first 2 years and I guess my husband was able to match my expectations initially. As time went by and family commitments increased, the fairy tale faded away slowly and I started thinking that my husband don't love me anymore or that I am unattractive. The more I pushed him to romance me and cherish me the farther I pushed him unknowingly, we fought regularly, said mean things to each other out of anger. It took us a long period to understand that love doesn't always have to be expressed in the way we want. Men and women are very different.......for us he is very romantic and cherishes me more when he is financially well and seems to be distant during financial crisis or work related stress. I have learnt not to relate this to love. For me, the opposite I need to romance more when I am having problems outside.......


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

Let me say this again, because no one seems to be reading what I'm writing. I DO NOT WANT A FAIRY TALE. I DO NOT WANT TO BE ON A PEDESTAL. THIS PROBLEM STARTED YEARS BEFORE WE EVER HAD MONEY PROBLEMS. I just want to be acknowledged as a human being. I do not "press" him to be romantic, that's why he thinks our marriage is great right now. The problem we've been having for years is that I feel like I could put a cardboard cut out of myself behind the laundry table, and he wouldn't notice it wasn't really me until bed time.


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