# I am afraid that my marriage is going down the drain.



## mrs.tranquetas (Aug 5, 2012)

Hi, I have never been in a site like this, but I need help and really appreciate any advice or words anyone can offer. This might be very long so I apologize ahead of time. 

I have been with my husband for 3 years. We lived together for a year and have been married for eight months. We have always considered our relationship to be amazing! We get along great, we respect each other,we have been thoughtful and would do anything for each other. Ever since we got married, as bad as it is to admit it, I feel as though our relationship has suffered tremendously. We had our hours cut, bills pilling over our heads, we sold my car, we left the apt where we were renting and had to move into my parent's apt. He is 28 and I am 25. Major blow to our ego. We had two dogs which we could no longer care for considering we couldn't even afford rent. The bills never stop and now we are in a new city, living with my parents and searching for jobs. Thank God we were able to find wonderful homes for our dogs, but that nearly destroyed us, considering we thought of them as our kids. 

Considering what we have been through we haven't completely lost it yet, but I am afraid we are on the fast track there. We spent way too much time together the first month and a half. Way too much time. I found a job which now turn out they lied to me but that is another story, however he has not been able to find one. Which I understand is even more frustrating to him. We have collectors calling 24/7, student loans, etc. Meanwhile no income has come in yet. 

Even though money has been a huge stress factor that is not what is eating me alive. I am not happy, we are not happy. I am actually freaking out because I am afraid to wake up one day down the road, once we are financially stable and see a stranger next to me. I have heard so many stories like that, that I am afraid for us. I do not want to settle for an "OK" relationship because we have always been so amazing together. We do not laugh anymore, we never do anything because we are so broke, he has stopped being as sweet as he was and that is the toughest for me. I feel like I am trying so hard to be sweet and treat him like I always have but I feel like he is giving up on trying. I feel as though knowing we love each other is not enough. 

Every story has two sides, he says I am constantly picking a fight with him, that he is tired of trying to please me. And that confuses me because I do not know how he has tried. I am not asking for lavish gifts, or dinner at a 5 star restaurant. I want to feel cared for and safe, pampered even. I believe we both deserve to feel that way given our situation. I am afraid that the scars we are giving each other will be deeper in our future. He says I am being negative. Am I? Am I being naive in thinking that we have to work very hard at keeping the romance and passion alive? Our sex life has suffered a lot too. I feel bad for wanting to do it all the time, his sex drive is low to non existent which makes me freak out even more. 

We are constantly arguing, making each other feel bad. I am so confused right now? What am I doing wrong? We are constantly saying we are sorry and trying to talk about things and thirty minutes later we are arguing again. There is so much love between us, but we are not showing it to each other. What can I do? Also, I have smoked for a long time and he smokes socially but hates it that I smoke everyday. I recently quit because I cannot afford it anymore lol, but I am very anxious and irritable, I haven't smoked in three weeks, and I feel as though he isn't giving me enough credit. It's not his fault, but I find myself resenting him sometimes. And he doesn't look at me the way he used to.  

Sorry for going on and on. Thanks for listening.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You gotta stop the arguing, especially if it's about things neither of you can change about your situation.

People argue for a lot of reasons, mostly they never argue because the like it or want it. Yet they find themselves arguing none the less.

Couple of different ways that can work deoending on why you are arguing, but worth trying:

1. Make a daily list for a week of the thing/situation that started the argument. After a week look at the list and knock off doing the really unimportant things on it, basically recognize they are stupid and the next time you see them happening choose to change course.

Depending on the situation, frankly or my favorites is when you see the stupid reasons starting, throw yourself at him and kiss him hard and well. Dude should know he's been kissed when you are done. Then either keep going or walk away, but do not argue.

This works because the stupid stuff doesn't matter. So ignore it, let it go, and replace it with a much better experience that actually helps your bonding.

For the hard stuff, meaning stuff you really do need to resolve, each of you need to figure out what you need the resolution to. Not just want, but need. Then when you are both well rested and calm, talk through the issue and the needed resoltuon. Brain storm how together you can do it. 

Remember your married, so blame is a waste of time between either of you. You both own the problems and you both gotta live with the solutions, so drop who's at fault into the past.

2. Recognize when the source of your problems is outside the two of you. Don't let you frustration with the outside problem drive you to be nasty to your SO. If you need to relieve some stress and frustration, well go back to #1 and apply the solution for the stupid stuff.

Yes my advice does involve a lot of kissing etc. frankly when a couple argues and gets stressed unfortunately one of the first consequences is physical touch, which is horrible because that's also one of strongest affirmations that you have someone you love and who loves you.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Sounds like you two need some marriage counseling. You will NOT fix this on your own. You both probably need individual counseling as well for an outlet of your problems.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds to me like you're TOO familiar with each other. You voice your opinions too openly, and because of it, you become each other's target practice when stress levels are high.

Recognize that he is a man. In our society, that means he feels pressure to be a breadwinner, something he's currently failing to do. He is unhappy with himself, and if you make suggestions that you think are helpful, he may feel picked on. Your suggestions are only reminders that he's failing. If you add complaints (even legitimate ones) about things you'd like to see change, it only increases the pressure on him. After all, YOU are the person he's letting down, so these "reminders" only serve to break him down. You want to build him up instead.

My recommendation would be to do three things: 

First, find reasons to admire him and then show him your admiration. "I loved the way you were so nice to my mom today," accompanied by a shoulder rub, will help him feel more confident. Do these things often throughout your moments together. 

Second, hold your tongue. Keep your criticisms and complaints to yourself. If you cannot do that, find a way to approach them without blame or accusation. Blaming is the first thing that will destroy a relationship! You might be able to make a simple request (which he has a right to decline), or you might explain that something is bothering you and why YOU have an issue with it, but if you do this, it's extremely important to let him know that it's not up to him to fix it, that it's your own issue, and that you're talking to him because you'd like his opinion on how you could see the issue differently or because you wondered if he'd be willing to help you in another way. Again, you cannot place expectations on him or assume you have a right to get your way.

Third, instead of expecting him to pamper you, take responsibility for finding time to have fun. Find free events in your area or get creative with date ideas. It doesn't cost anything to go watch airplanes land at the airport, but can be a great way to relax and reconnect. Taking a walk through the park doesn't cost a thing. Many museums don't charge guests to visit. 

If you are a source of pleasure and positive regard, he will want to please you. But if he sees you as adding problems to his life, he's going to withdraw.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It sounds like you and your husband are going through what millions of people are going through at this time. No jobs, no money, depending on relatives, not being able to support the family are things most of us have been hit with lately. Some harder than others. 

It's in times like this, the awful times, when you can gauge how strong your marriage is. This economy is not your fault, nor is it his fault. You are supposed to be a team. Taking out one's frustration on one's partner is normal, but it is not right. 

I have been married for over 20 years. We used to have it all. Boats, cars, vacations, jewelry, life was grand. Then the bottom fell out on both of us and we are struggling horribly, trying to place the blame on others or each other because that is natural. Now we just had to apply for food stamps. Can you imagine what that does to a man who is used to not asking for help? 

You and your husband need to change with these horrible times and squash your personal pride. Complaining and "wishing" for something different just isn't possible in these dark days. You and he should be a team. Like, it's you and him against the world. It's too easy to treat the person closest to you like crap when you want to scream at the world. 

In my opinion, the only thing that is going to make your husband happy is when he gets a good job, a new house, and can be financially stable. Well, that is the dream of millions right now. We are looking at a new America. I pray it changes, and soon. If your husband is open minded at all. you should be able to rally him to be a team instead of fighting and crying about something neither of you can change.

My husband owned his own business building homes. I had a 22 year career of computer graphics and a college degree. I can't even get a job at the local bird store cleaning bird sh!t. If you surrender to the depression of the times, your marriage may fall apart. You are in this together. You are not his enemy and he is not yours. Try to show and tell him this. Two heads are better than one. 

If you two band together and get through this horrible time (it can't last forever I hope) together, your marriage could end up being a very strong marriage because you both weathered a storm where the odds were stacked against you. It's time to unite, not fight.


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