# Cleaning, staying out late and refusal to talk



## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

I am really in a rut here and could appreciate any advice others have. My wife and I has always had an issue with dividing housework, but lately I feel it is out of control and I have to take on way too much responsibility around the house.

My wife stays at home to take care of our 2 year old son. She is a great mother and I know it is a lot to do, but we both agree her staying at home was the best for our family. She has always wanted to be a stay-at-home home mother and I work 2 jobs so that we can maintain that. 

I work an 8-5 job, come home and spend as much time with our kid until he goes to bed, then teach online courses at night. Probably 2-3 hours of work a night. 

Taking care of a child is tough and I totally respect that job. My wife also has dinner ready every night and does the grocery shopping. Outside of that, nothing else gets done. No laundry, the house is always a mess, the bathrooms rarely get cleaned. I try to keep up with laundry on Sundays, but can never get caught up. Saturdays I like to spend the day with my son and wife doing something fun. 

My question is this: We have been getting into some fights lately because I feel I don't have time to do a lot of these other chores and wish my wife would take on some more responsibility because I am working 2 jobs. Is this too much to ask? She feels I am attacker her and never wants to talk about it.

Also, tonight she went out with a friend while I stayed home with the kid. She went out with another male and left the house about 7 p.m. I am totally ok with the situation and have no problem with it. I know the man as well and they have been friends for a while. I had a little bit of a problem that she stayed out until 1:30 a.m. and never texted or called to say she was going to be out late. When she got home I told her I didnt appreciate her staying out so late without letting me know and it started an entirely new fight. She doesn't go out like this all the time - maybe once a month but has never stayed out this late. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She really freaked out when I brought it up and really won't talk about it. Do you think there is something else going on?

Any advice on next steps to try and make things work? Sorry for the long post!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

benderjl1 said:


> I am really in a rut here and could appreciate any advice others have. My wife and I has always had an issue with dividing housework, but lately I feel it is out of control and I have to take on way too much responsibility around the house.
> 
> My wife stays at home to take care of our 2 year old son. She is a great mother and I know it is a lot to do, but we both agree her staying at home was the best for our family. She has always wanted to be a stay-at-home home mother and I work 2 jobs so that we can maintain that.
> 
> ...


Yes something else is going on.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife's attitude is astounding...I'm a bit gobsmacked to be honest - and I'm a SAHM!

If I were you, I'd be telling her I'm quitting the second job so that I can do the housework! Either that or hire a cleaner.

Her going out with men is a concern too...so many affairs start out with the "we're only friends"...and often go on right under the husband/wife's nose.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

THIS post was in a thread where she stayed up until 1:30 with a neighbor friend who enjoys looking down her blouse when they talk. (1:30 is an estimate based oh HER word since she was sleeping on the couch in the morning.




benderjl1 said:


> There has been 2-3 times in the past where she sees an old (male) friend at a bar or other social setting and goes to talk to them and leaves me for like two hours.
> 
> And yes, I have approached her during these times and try to join in, but the conversation drops and I get the "What do you need hunny"


She likes to drink with the boys and you're "totally ok" with her going out on a date while you babysit? 




benderjl1 said:


> Also, tonight she went out with a friend while I stayed home with the kid. She went out with another male and left the house about 7 p.m. I am totally ok with the situation and have no problem with it.


ALL OF THIS and you're finally putting your foot down because she stayed out past curfew one time?

I hate to jump in with the "she's cheating" crowd, but the three most likely professions for infidelity?

Nurse
teacher
SAHM

She likes partying with the boys. It's not going to go away.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

When I was on maternity leave and had a 2 year old it was hard to get stuff done. But a two year does nap...that should give her some time to get some stuff done.
What I did..which worked was I bought my two year old a play cleaning kit.
Had a broom mop and vacuum.
That way when I cleaned he "cleaned" too. It was an activity and he was involved. 
As for staying out late with another man that would bother me if my H stayed out late with another woman. 
How close of friends are they? I can see dinner but 130am? Yeah that is problematic.
See if when you've both calmed down you can get the point across that because of no contact from her you were worried. 
But the fact that she freaked out completely...I don't know. It's hard for men and women to be just "friends". Not that that is the case with your wife just and observation from personal experience. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I hate to jump in with the "she's cheating" crowd, but the three most likely professions for infidelity?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Really? Teacher? I never knew.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The thing that is jumping out to me is Laundry. Our children are adults now. Laundry can be done with very little time actually involved. Except the folding. Folding a batch of toddler clothes is a big job. But, she could wash and dry them without leaving the child. it's a 5 minute rotation every hour. Toddler might have to live out of a basket but it would free up a lot of time for you.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

If you are OK with your wife going out with other men until 1:30AM you really do not need any advice here. 

We all know what will happen next if it has not already. I hope you enjoy the baby sitting.

Married women do not go out with other men until the middle of the night. How are you fine with that?????


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Common denominator here with these guys that are getting their a$$ handed to them by their wives is the nice guy syndrome. This guy really has to ask if there's a problem with his wife having a male friend and not coming home till 1:30am you're not sure that there's a problem there. Hey OP when you first met your wife what was the motivation of wanting to go out with her you wanted to have sex with her. yep just so you know that's how every other guy thinks.! Yep even her friend her man friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

benderjl1 said:


> I am really in a rut here and could appreciate any advice others have. My wife and I has always had an issue with dividing housework, but lately I feel it is out of control and I have to take on way too much responsibility around the house.
> 
> My wife stays at home to take care of our 2 year old son. She is a great mother and I know it is a lot to do, but we both agree her staying at home was the best for our family. She has always wanted to be a stay-at-home home mother and I work 2 jobs so that we can maintain that.
> 
> ...


Wow, I would say that something else is going on... Maybe you should just flat out ask her. Give her the chance to come clean? Women can be strange at times...

Although, there is the fact that a two year old is a handful. Trade places with her for a week and see.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You've been posting this stuff for the past 3 1/2 years...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/53828-need-help-i-am-going-crazy.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/59266-when-time-call.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/85041-should-i-mad-am-i-insecure.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> If you are OK with your wife going out with other men until 1:30AM you really do not need any advice here.
> 
> We all know what will happen next if it has not already. I hope you enjoy the baby sitting.
> 
> Married women do not go out with other men until the middle of the night. How are you fine with that?????


Holy sh!t 1:30??? I had to re-read that b/c I thought it said 10:30 and I thought, "That's not so bad..."

This changes everything LOL.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

peacem said:


> I remember being a SAHM with a 2 year old and I was permanently exhausted and craved adult company. When she had her nap, I would nap too. If I tried to do other jobs around the house she would quickly get bored. Grocery shopping entertained her so I would be on top of that. She always wanted to be kept busy so we would spend most of the day outside the home, going to the park, library, walking the dog, visiting relatives. So I admit that when my husband got home he needed to start preparing meals and in an evening ironing a few shirts. I do remember my husband dropping hints about jobs not getting done and questioning what I did all day. It didn't go down very well. I would sometimes feel ashamed when I went to other people's houses that were pristine and organised, then it occurred to me that our children were very different, their child likes to sit and draw or read a book, my child needed to be on the 'go' preferably at 100 miles an hour. The solution was to encourage trustworthy relatives to give me 'a break' for an hour or so when I could run round with a vac, do a bit of ironing or wipe round the bathroom.
> 
> Is there one or two people that may enjoy watching LO for an hour or two a week? When she started preschool our house became a palace once more.


Really? You think their child reads and draws all day? Lol, no. 
They may have a different child, but....

OP's wife is a lazy slob and goes out with men until 1:30 am while he stays home with the baby in between working two jobs.
This is unacceptable in anybody's world. 
OP is a weak person, indeed, if he let's a man bring his wife home at 1:30 am and doesn't confront both. Any man that does this is being disrespected, and deserves it.

Surely this thread was written just to get people going. 
Nobody let's their wife stay out with another man until 1:30, or any other time. If she's going out with a man, his name to others should be "her husband".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cream2sugarsplz (Mar 28, 2016)

benderjl1 said:


> I am really in a rut here and could appreciate any advice others have. My wife and I has always had an issue with dividing housework, but lately I feel it is out of control and I have to take on way too much responsibility around the house.
> 
> My wife stays at home to take care of our 2 year old son. She is a great mother and I know it is a lot to do, but we both agree her staying at home was the best for our family. She has always wanted to be a stay-at-home home mother and I work 2 jobs so that we can maintain that.
> 
> ...


I misread this initially and thought it was 10:30 she was out until, but 1:30 is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. That's not a matter of opinion, that's a fact! Would that behavior ever fly if it were you going out?? 

What is the plan for when your son goes to school?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> Also, tonight she went out with a friend while I stayed home with the kid. She went out with another male and left the house about 7 p.m. I am totally ok with the situation and have no problem with it. I know the man as well and they have been friends for a while. I had a little bit of a problem that she stayed out until 1:30 a.m.
> 
> Do you think there is something else going on?
> 
> Any advice on next steps to try and make things work? Sorry for the long post!


So your wife is out drinking with her male friend, just the two of them, for many hours at night? I can assure you, at least from my personal experience, that the male friend wants to bang your wife - even without the alcohol that lowers inhibitions. 

I will just assume that you are young and naive and have not yet had the life experiences that many of us posters have gone through. 
Being young is great. Being naive though will get you divorced in a hurry when your wife cheats on you.

If you read some more posts here, you will see that the conditions are IDEAL for your wife to have an affair. She will tell you that it "just happened" and she will be right. Read up on how affairs happen. If you think that your wife will not cheat, then again I will tell you that you are naive. 

The "cleaning" is the least of your worries.

Stay here on TAM and keep posting. If you post and run, your marriage will not last. We have seen this situation time often to be able to predict the outcome. Statistically, you are in serious trouble. We are not therapists but we can provide help to both you and your wife to get you through this.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, google "No More Mr Nice Guy pdf". You will find a free book that you can download. Do it today and read it this week.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, 
You definitely have a problem.
I wish someone would post those "steps to an affair" I've read on here a few times. Spot on good advice; in this case particularly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Honestly, it wasn't my primary concern to think something else was going on until I was typing this post. She also refused to talk last night when she got home and just wanted me to leave her alone. I think her being out so late and even texting to me to know that should be gone for 6+ hours was just the tipping point. 

I had no reason to think anything of this relations with her friend. I am certain she was at a bar like she said because she smelled like one. I checked our bank/credit card accounts just to see if there were transactions at the bar and there were not. She also didnt take out any cash which leads me to believe the guy was paying for her drinks all night. Now I am even more curious.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

peacem said:


> I haven't read his other threads but there is a lot of information missing from the original post to make any conclusions about his wife.


You are right @peacem His other threads point out some of the problems. I only read his initial posts in each thread but he says his wife is lazy, that he does ALL the housework (no kids at that point), she does not want to work, sex is infrequent, and that she loves to drink with the neighbors. His first post was before kids.

He actually said "She claims she is just too lazy to get undressed but loves the sex. "

OP has been thinking about divorce for almost 4 years. Now he has a kid. I just continues to get worse for him.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

The thing is that I am not even asking for that. I try to do as much as I can but there are only so many hours of the day and I myself have become warn down. All I am asking is that if I am doing a load of two or laundry one night and can't get to folding the second load of close, she helps me by folding them. If not, I might not be able to get back to it until the weekend if we dont have any plans. Or at least keep our sons bedroom clean without clothes all over the place. It is not his play room so he literally is only in there for sleeping. 

At this point, our son sleeps from 8 p.m. to 7:30-8a.m. He typically also takes a 2-hour nap (although not all the time). My wife always naps during that time. I put our child to bed most of the nights and my wife goes into our bedroom at about 8:30 and reads until 9:30-10 p.m. 

Im not asking for a pristine house. Im just looking for her to take a little bit of the time she has and help me. Look around the house and see where things are pilling up so that I don't have to do it in the late hours of the night.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> Honestly, it wasn't my primary concern to think something else was going on until I was typing this post. She also refused to talk last night when she got home and just wanted me to leave her alone. I think her being out so late and even texting to me to know that should be gone for 6+ hours was just the tipping point.
> 
> I had no reason to think anything of this relations with her friend. I am certain she was at a bar like she said because she smelled like one. I checked our bank/credit card accounts just to see if there were transactions at the bar and there were not. She also didnt take out any cash which leads me to believe the guy was paying for her drinks all night. Now I am even more curious.


Bender, Do you know the guy she is drinking with? Why is he dating your wife? I am not being sarcastic. This is one-on-one op sex drinking, at night. You can call it something else but it really is a date. He was paying for the drinks, right? That is NOT friends doing separate checks.

And you do know alcohol lowers inhibitions, right? 

Each and every time they get together and drink she (and he) will become emotionally closer. It is biological and chemical.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

I did say that she only does this about once a month. The man is a mutual friend and the entire family knows. I really didnt have an issue with the fact she went out. I didnt expect a 6+ hour night out and she never even sent a text to let me know she would be home so late. I simply mentioned to her when she got home that I didnt appreciate her staying out so late and she went nuts on me, refused to talk and just wanted me to leave her alone. 

She drove herself, so it is not like he dropped her off and I could say something. I was asleep when she returned home.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

peacem said:


> Is there one or two people that may enjoy watching LO for an hour or two a week? When she started preschool our house became a palace once more.


We moved closer to her parents when she was pregnant. They are great and love spending time with him. They take him at lease one day a week (they call and ask if they can watch if she doesnt need help). Her father is retired and loves to take him for the day.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Bender,

Let's cut to the chase. You posted this in 2012 : "So I have posted on here before about my problem, but things have not gotten better. "

Three years later (you disappeared from TAM for three years, at least as a thread starter) you are back with same problem. No, now things are much worse. Not only does your wife continue to be lazy (your words), not want to work (your words), like to drink with neighbors, but now you have a child for which you do most of the work, plus you babysit while she goes off drinking late night one-on-one with a guy (and you have no problem with that???).

Other than vent, what do you really want from us to help you with? And would you really follow any advice that we suggested?
You really really need to consider that as an immediate threat to your marriage and take action now. Yes, that "friend" wants to fvck your wife and there is possibility your wife want to fvck him. They of course flirt doing the hours they are together. 

You have put up with her being a lazy slob for 4 years. Even knowing that, you still stayed marriage and then had a child. (Whose decision was that? I assume her's because now she has excuse to stay home and do nothing.) 

So what are you going to do different this week that you did not do in the past four years?


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

peacem said:


> I think what I meant was there is always a lot of context around a story that we don't always see. Some children are easier than others. I have 2 children with completely different needs. Some are laid back and happy to plod around with a parent, others are more demanding and literally need full time occupation, needing to get energy off outside the home - haven't you ever noticed that?
> 
> As for staying out until 1.30 with another man. Who is this man? A relative, a gay friend? If she was having an affair why isn't she keeping his identity a secret. It makes no sense. How often does she do this? Once in a blue moon I would be glad she had a good time, every week then out of order. Is she always drunk or does she on a odd occasion enjoy herself a bit too much. I haven't read his other threads but there is a lot of information missing from the original post to make any conclusions about his wife.
> 
> ...


Your quote is not included in here, but ...

I actually take offense to thinking this is just to get people talking. I feel like I do everything in my power to make things easier on my wife and give her as much as I can. However, I never feel I get anything close in return. It is a major problem for me and I am very upset. that is why I started to post on her at 2 a.m. I dont know what to do to save our marriage and I can't imagine leaving her and our child. A lot has added up over the past week, months, years and I do know what to do. The good times are good and the bad times are very bad. There never seems to be that balance of in between when a couple works together and compromises. Maybe I am just reading into marriage wrong. We have only been married for 8 years.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

benderjl1 said:


> I did say that she only does this about once a month. The man is a mutual friend and the entire family knows. I really didnt have an issue with the fact she went out. I didnt expect a 6+ hour night out and she never even sent a text to let me know she would be home so late. I simply mentioned to her when she got home that I didnt appreciate her staying out so late and she went nuts on me, refused to talk and just wanted me to leave her alone.
> 
> 
> 
> She drove herself, so it is not like he dropped her off and I could say something. I was asleep when she returned home.


Sorry...she was put drinking all night with another man who paid for those drinks...she smelled like it and she drove herself? She drove drunk?

You have more serious issues than your first post indicated.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> she went nuts on me, refused to talk and just wanted me to leave her alone.


Because she did not want to hear you ***** about her dating.



benderjl1 said:


> She drove herself, so it is not like he dropped her off and I could say something.


Say something to whom? The guy dating your wife?

At least consider what I am telling you, without you just thinking "it is not like that. She will not cheat. The guy is a friend. etc"

If you care about saving your marriage, read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. 

BTW, what does your wife do during the day when the grandparents are watching your son?


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

citygirl4344 said:


> Sorry...she was put drinking all night with another man who paid for those drinks...she smelled like it and she drove herself? She drove drunk?
> 
> You have more serious issues than your first post indicated.


I don't know if she was drunk. She says she wasn't. Still, probably close to the legal limit if not over. Still not obvious signs that she was drunk, but you are right and that does not make it ok.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Glancing at your other threads, your wife definitely has significant emotional issues. Maybe depression, who knows. I can't believe nothing has changed for you over the last 3+ years. If you are trolling, good work man, cause this is an amazing long-con.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> We moved closer to her parents when she was pregnant. They are great and love spending time with him. They take him at lease one day a week (they call and ask if they can watch if she doesnt need help). Her father is retired and loves to take him for the day.


OK OP, well then* this gives her the opportunity *to do stuff around the house while your child is with her parents. Not to say that she doesn't need a break and should be able to go shopping for herself or to the gym etc. BUT out with an OS friend until 1:00 AM? H3LL NO! I don't care who he is...that is unacceptable. 

I was a SAHM for a few years, and yes it is hard, and yes you get no time to yourself. And you feel isolated because you don't have adult interaction all day. But she needs to find other outlets besides drinking with OS friend till 1 AM.

And I'm all for husbands helping out with housework...BUT 1) she is a SAHM and 2) YOU ARE WORKING TWO JOBS. So while you can help her on the weekends with some chores...I really think you have your hands full with your jobs. 

You guys need to sit down and talk about what is going on. Maybe she would want to work part time? That would get her out of the house a little.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

You need to read these two books asap.

Married MAn's Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover


Step 1. Don't let your wife go on any more dates. 
Step 2. Read the books


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> I remember being a SAHM with a 2 year old and I was permanently exhausted and craved adult company. When she had her nap, I would nap too. If I tried to do other jobs around the house she would quickly get bored. Grocery shopping entertained her so I would be on top of that. She always wanted to be kept busy so we would spend most of the day outside the home, going to the park, library, walking the dog, visiting relatives. So I admit that when my husband got home he needed to start preparing meals and in an evening ironing a few shirts. I do remember my husband dropping hints about jobs not getting done and questioning what I did all day. It didn't go down very well. I would sometimes feel ashamed when I went to other people's houses that were pristine and organised, then it occurred to me that our children were very different, their child likes to sit and draw or read a book, my child needed to be on the 'go' preferably at 100 miles an hour. The solution was to encourage trustworthy relatives to give me 'a break' for an hour or so when I could run round with a vac, do a bit of ironing or wipe round the bathroom.
> 
> Is there one or two people that may enjoy watching LO for an hour or two a week? When she started preschool our house became a palace once more.


This is real life. I see this with my daughters and their babies to toddlers. Wife and I have given both daughters the break they deserve. Their husbands chip in on the cleaning and tidying up. All work away from home. They get a maid service to come over now and then. Babies are a lot of work for the first six years... until they get into the 1st grade.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- @benderj1
Going out with a male friend? WTH!

We need more information on the particulars. 

If it were a male relative, maybe. A POS-OM, Hell No. 

This has to stop, or you need to divorce.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Bender,
> 
> Let's cut to the chase. You posted this in 2012 : "So I have posted on here before about my problem, but things have not gotten better. "
> 
> ...


Yes. I agree and actually kind of forgot/put in the back of my mind about all those nights with the neighbors years ago. I dont know if I can divorce her. I dont know if that is what I want. Im not a huge advocate of divorce, especially with a child. Isnt it better to try and work things out? I just wanted A) to see what others thought about my situation and B) See if anyway has any advice on what I should do. Your response seems to be divorce, and I appreciate your response and respect it. I just don't know if I can do that right now. Are there any other solutions if behavior does not seem to change?

Also, my wife makes me feel like I am the bad person in this. I really only said last night that "I didn't appreciate her staying out until 1:30 a.m." and she get really mad, said she didnt know she had a curfew, grabbed her pillow and slept on the couch. I just dont know how to deal with that "dont question me" attitude.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Going out with a male friend? WTH!
> 
> We need more information on the particulars. If it were a male relative, maybe. A POS-OM, hell no.


I know the guy fairly well. I wouldnt say a mutual friend because I met him through my wife and I would never go out with just him. My wife is from a very small town and they have known each other for a long time. Her entire family knows him. We are both 32 years old. Even though she has known him for a long time, this kind of relationship didnt occur until we moved closer to her home town about a year and a half ago. I wouldnt say he is an attractive man and my wife claims to be just really good friends with him. They do text each other occasionally as well.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Yes something is happening! You are becoming (or already are) a doormat husband. Your wife doesn't want to be a wife or a mom so she is disconnecting, ....and you just keep making easier for her. 

I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up having sex with her "friend", sure they started out at the bar but I bet they ended the night some where else. You keep waiting for things to change, and they have, from bad to worse. She is who she is, either you learn to deal with her as she is or cut her loose. At the very least you need to start planning for the end and protecting yourself financially, limit debts and limit her charge card max to a few hundred dollars, open another bank account so she can't drain the money and leave you broke. No more kids, no new cars, no buying a house, the deeper hole you put yourself in the more you stand to lose. Also start keeping a log of her activities, it may help you get full custody of your child down the road.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> Your response seems to be divorce, and I appreciate your response and respect it. I just don't know if I can do that right now. Are there any other solutions if behavior does not seem to change?


Actually, I never indicated that you should divorce her. Just the opposite. My concern about the drinking with the other guy was that your marriage will eventually end in divorce if you did nothing, and that is what we are trying to avoid.

This may should like a cliche, but you need to change YOU. You cannot change another person's behavior but you can learn to change your behavior. You have allowed this situation to happen or at least to continue.

Think about what you just wrote "my wife makes me feel like I am the bad person in this.". No, YOU make you feel bad. It is your reaction to what she said and did. 

I know you want a quick solution but there is none. But you can make forward progress. Once you change YOU, that might (again, might) influence her behavior. You will start that today. And even if the takes 2-3 months to get where you need to be, it is still better compared to the lack of progress made in the past 4 years. 

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I told you how to get it for free. It is an easy quick read and might help you see the "error" in your nice guy attitude. I read the book a couple month ago. You must read it. The title says it all. 

Read Not Just Friends - by Shirley Glass. 

The third of my top three is Married Man's Sex Life Primer - by Athol Kay. (You can then read his follow up "The Mindful Attraction Plan". That one has some additional advice that is very helpful.) These are not just about sex, but how to handle the energy sucking drain on your life. 

Don't view this post as "read some books and life will get better". The only thing the books can do is make you see what YOU are doing wrong and what YOU need to change. After that, you will have the strength and clarity of mind to address your wife's behavior.

Read one of these books each week. You can download immediately onto Kindle or Nook or order hardcopies. I suggest the ebooks if you know how to do that. Amazon has good price. 

Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Besides being an alcoholic, she is an adulteress. Prove me wrong, Herr Benderwoose.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

benderjl1 said:


> I just dont know how to deal with that "dont question me" attitude.


By growing a set


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Even if she just friends with this guy... She is being totally dis respective of you by acting this way.
Change you and maybe it's time for MC.


Sent from my iPhone


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> my wife claims to be* just *really good *friends* with him. They do text each other occasionally as well.


OMG, I really believe that the "just friends" term is part of our DNA because the same exact words come out of EVERY person have an EA, PA, near EA etc. 

That is why the book is called "Not Just Friends"



benderjl1 said:


> Even though she has known him for a long time, this kind of relationship didnt occur until we moved closer to her home town about a year and a half ago.


:redcard: Red flag.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

OP

So she gets pissed off that you ask her where she was until 1:30 in the morn ing????

If you really want to piss her off, ask her to take a polygraph to prove she is not having sex with him.

My bet is she will resemble Casper The Ghost in ten seconds.

I am sure the group will be here when you catch her and get the truth.

God luck. You are going to need it unless you get your head out of the sand.

"We are Just Friends" is the largest red flag imaginable combined with the anger.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She's not getting stuff done around the house because she's busy doing something else.

That likely has something to do with Mr 1:30 AM.

Shut your mouth and open your eyes. Come home in the middle of your shift without telling her. See what happens.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

benderjl1 said:


> I am certain she was at a bar like she said because she smelled like one.


This is funny. That statement is the reassuring statement in that whole mess. That's the GOOD news about her coming home at 1:30 from her "don't try to text me honey" date with her friend. 



benderjl1 said:


> I checked our bank/credit card accounts just to see if there were transactions at the bar and there were not. She also didnt take out any cash which leads me to believe the guy was paying for her drinks all night. Now I am even more curious.


I don't think she's ****ing this guy. I understand "hiding in plain sight", but that's over the top. But I'm glad you are curious. It wouldn't hurt to see what goes on while they're riding wing for each other at the bar.

She likes to party with the boys. It REALLY IS that simple.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The link he needs to read is the one from one of the female posters that was a wayward wife who talked about how long she was having an affair for by the time she just got blatant about it, not caring if she got caught, or maybe believing that she never would.

I believe she got outed by a mutual friend after having sex in that friend's hot tub at a party or something.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> Honestly, it wasn't my primary concern to think something else was going on until I was typing this post. She also refused to talk last night when she got home and just wanted me to leave her alone. I think her being out so late and even texting to me to know that should be gone for 6+ hours was just the tipping point.
> 
> I had no reason to think anything of this relations with her friend. I am certain she was at a bar like she said because she smelled like one. I checked our bank/credit card accounts just to see if there were transactions at the bar and there were not. She also didnt take out any cash which leads me to believe the guy was paying for her drinks all night. Now I am even more curious.


Check your phone bill. 80% of affairs start with a close friendship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> You've been posting this stuff for the past 3 1/2 years...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/53828-need-help-i-am-going-crazy.html
> 
> ...


Did you address this? Why are you still posting the same crap about your lazy wife whom you said you did not want to have children with?

If I were you I'd do a paternity test on the kid, STD test on you, and kick her ass out NOW. You are the walking definition of doormat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

All this guy _really_ needs is the number to a good divorce attorney.

If having proof of infidelity would help him at all w/ respect to securing better terms for himself, then I'd encourage him to pursue it. Otherwise there's no point. (Unless, of course, he just needs to see it for himself.)

And OP, don't leave her...

...tell her to GTFO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

benderjl1 said:


> Any advice on next steps to try and make things work? Sorry for the long post!


I will never understand why many men, myself included when I was young, tolerate their girlfriend or wife going on dates.


Yes, call it what it is.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Check your phone bill. 80% of affairs start with a close friendship.


I actually just did this based on your recommendation. Over 25 texts sent and received to him over a 7 day period. I guess I really do have my head in the sand. Sorry for the shock.


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## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Bender, my wife is a SAHM Mom too. I am going through something similar, but I am dealing with fighting more than dealing with someone that wants to hang out with someone of the opposite sex at a bar.

Given the pages I have read through, it is time to pull the cord and jump ship. This woman will not change, and she is poisoning you. It is very unfortunate, especially now that there is a child in the mix. I understand there may be some small part of you that wants to salvage this marriage and stay together for the sake of the child. This will only make things worse and your unhappiness will eventually project onto your child, causing you to be short, and snappy with him. 

You don't need counseling now. You need an attorney. Log those events of her going out and not coming back home, and consult your lawyer. Get out. You have only one life to live on this mud-ball called Earth. Good luck and God be with you, because I'm sure he even wants you to ditch this for the sake of your own sanity.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

benderjl1 said:


> I actually just did this based on your recommendation. Over 25 texts sent and received to him over a 7 day period. I guess I really do have my head in the sand. Sorry for the shock.


So what are you going to do???? Will you finally act??? Or will you continue in ostrich mode?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I'm sensing codependency and the OP is physically or emotionally unable to pull the plug.

This is why his marriage has gotten to the state it has.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ever get the feeling someone is yanking your chain?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> I'm sensing codependency and the OP is physically or emotionally unable to pull the plug.
> 
> This is why his marriage has gotten to the state it has.


And should it be that easy of a decision? To just walk away with a kid in the mix?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> I actually just did this based on your recommendation. Over 25 texts sent and received to him over a 7 day period. I guess I really do have my head in the sand. Sorry for the shock.


You need to get the actual text messages. Do you have access to her phone? You can do a deleted text recovery or even better if she sincs her phone. You can pull them off the PC

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I was a SAHD for a year once when I got laid off and the wife had to work.

I kept our daughter, did the laundry, cleaned the house and fixed dinner. I didn't do the best job as I had to learn a lot but it was by no means overwhelming. I get they need some time away but if that's what you're staying home to do and it's overwhelming it's bullsh!t!!!!!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Thound said:


> Ever get the feeling someone is yanking your chain?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, get that feeling often, but we post for occasional grateful reader too, not just for the thread starter.

Plus it makes the slow work day go by faster.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Better read up and get yourself out of the doormat lifestyle

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=o9A_RG65JzB.JN3aeLpJE3OkiDo-


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let's say you get smoking gun evidence. A pic on her phone of her doing him in the bathroom at the bar, say. Or her talking to him about it. 

Or, hell, let's say you actually come home early one day and you catch them.

Then what? Are you going to do something about it? What would that something be?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

marduk said:


> Let's say you get smoking gun evidence. A pic on her phone of her doing him in the bathroom at the bar, say. Or her talking to him about it.
> 
> Or, hell, let's say you actually come home early one day and you catch them.
> 
> Then what? Are you going to do something about it? What would that something be?


Besides going and getting them a towel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

benderjl1 said:


> I actually just did this based on your recommendation. Over 25 texts sent and received to him over a 7 day period. I guess I really do have my head in the sand. Sorry for the shock.


Honestly, that is a reasonable amount. Keep checking. 4 a day, unless they are dissertation length, is nothing. Keep checking and don't confront until you get enough information to back up your gut feeling.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your wife's way of dealing with anything, if she doesn't get her way .. is to "NOT TALK ABOUT IT".. throw up the old brick wall trying to make YOU feel guilty when she isn't holding up her responsibilities in this marriage.. she's acting like a spoiled brat...trying to control you.. 

I wonder how long you have been married.. and how long she has gotten her way with you over everything she wants to do.. her freedom.. this idea she is going out with a male friend HOURS into the night.. is completely disrespectful to the marriage.. UNACCEPTABLE.. those sort of boundaries left gaping open ... you are asking for her to have an affair. 

I really Hope you find your balls.. You need to stand up to her...show her who is the Man -taking some leadership here.... you wouldn't have agreed to the idea of a "stay at home" if it required you had to do half or more of the work!!

Let her get a job so she can pay for the Maid then... I don't think you should have to do anything when you get home.. other than spending time with your family.. and manly stuff she is not able to do.. this is only 1 small child.. not even a special needs child.. just not acceptable..you have every right to be upset. 

What is she REALLY doing during the day..anything to do with this so called friend ...and what about him.. is he single? Where did they meet ?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

benderjl1 said:


> And should it be that easy of a decision? To just walk away with a kid in the mix?


Yes it should be that easy. 

Healthy people do not tolerate what you tolerate.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

benderjl1 said:


> And should it be that easy of a decision? To just walk away with a kid in the mix?


If she's cheating on you, your options are:

1. Accept it (pretty much your current lifestyle)
2. Adopt an open marriage and you get to be non-monogamous, too
3. Leave her
4. Convince her to give up her lifestyle and you live with knowing she cheated on you.

You want #4, of course. 

The problem with wanting #4 is that you likely need to have either #2 or #3 on the table as equalizers to balance the equation.

Or you could just go back to #1 and pretend it's not happening.

That is, if she's cheating.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Better read up and get yourself out of the doormat lifestyle


Doormat would be an upgrade, this guy is a straight up cuckold.

OP rubber stamps another man taking his wife to a bar, buying her drinks, to get her drunk till 1:30am all the while he babysits the kid. 

@benderjl1 Do you think your wife is SO interesting that this guy just enjoys chatting her up and buying her free drinks all night? 

Look pal, you're delusional if you don't think at minimum she's blowing him in the parking lot after the bar closes. How's the sex life anyway?

Not to mention the fact she's a lazy slob who takes TWO HOUR naps every day. Must be nice, huh?

Big fvcking deal, once a week she buys groceries so SHE can eat and bakes you a frozen DiGiorno pizza.

It ain't challenging to pull out a vacuum while the kid is playing legos OP. Stop glamorizing the job. It's no more difficult than yours.

But that's not even the serious stuff. Your wife is using you as a security blanket while other men validate her hole repeatedly. 

Get an attorney and dump this pariah ASAP. Find some self respect while you're at it. Your lifestyle is cringe worthy.


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## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I actually think he should consult an attorney today. There is greener grass out there somewhere for you to graze on, that is once you get out of this sham of a marriage.

(oh and by no means am I an expert. I'm trying to keep mine together. Just watching out for someone that is being taken advantage of.)


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> I did say that she only does this about once a month. The man is a mutual friend and the entire family knows. I really didnt have an issue with the fact she went out. I didnt expect a 6+ hour night out and she never even sent a text to let me know she would be home so late. I simply mentioned to her when she got home that I didnt appreciate her staying out so late and she went nuts on me, refused to talk and just wanted me to leave her alone.
> 
> She drove herself, so it is not like he dropped her off and I could say something. I was asleep when she returned home.


I have not, nor would I ever, allow my spouse to go out alone with another man without my being there. I'm sorry, but that just isn't something a married person should be doing ... ever. 

Just based on her reaction, something is going on between them and you need to do some serious investigating. In the mean time, when she wants to do this again, you say your not comfortable with her going out with him anymore and you would like her not to go. If she insists on it, don't come home to watch the kid the night she plans on going. This isn't normal behavior.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Doormat would be an upgrade, this guy is a straight up cuckold.
> 
> OP rubber stamps another man taking his wife to a bar, buying her drinks, to get her drunk till 1:30am all the while he babysits the kid.
> 
> ...




Spit it brother!

(That means I totally agree


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

benderjl1 said:


> And should it be that easy of a decision? To just walk away with a kid in the mix?


No one is saying it's easy. Just that it IS obviously what you have got to do here.

You still haven't answered the question about why you're still in this situation years after your first post here. You said originally you didn't even WANT kids with this woman, yet here you are. 

I don't think you want help. I think you want someone to tell you that everything will be fine if you just keep your mouth shut. Well, we COULD tell you that, but it would mean about as much as your wife does when she says she loves you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you ready to walk away if she doesn't change?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Assuming this thread does not involve chain yanking, there are two separate issues here.

IMO the cleaning things is being blown way out of proportion; she's taking care of the child, making dinner.....so the bathroom and laundry doesn't get done as much as it should. Is it really worth starting a war over? 

You have to be careful with the parent child dynamic where she has to answer to him, and we all know that when the kids are little times can be tough. This could well be temporary and not worth ruining a marriage over.

The going out with men thing is the real issue.....married people don't hang with opposite sex friends. Especially not late at night.

My husband has female friends from work but I can tell you that his arse isn't leaving me at home and going out to drink with them.....he'd be doing that single.

So maybe you should either put your foot down there or find yourself a nice lady friend to drink with and see how she likes it.


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## B-you (Mar 27, 2016)

benderjl1 said:


> I am really in a rut here and could appreciate any advice others have. My wife and I has always had an issue with dividing housework, but lately I feel it is out of control and I have to take on way too much responsibility around the house.
> 
> My wife stays at home to take care of our 2 year old son. She is a great mother and I know it is a lot to do, but we both agree her staying at home was the best for our family. She has always wanted to be a stay-at-home home mother and I work 2 jobs so that we can maintain that.
> 
> ...


Maybe your wife is starting to rethink the decision of being a stay at home mom and maybe she's just decompressing a bit. Just because someone loses track of time ,every once in a while , because they haven't been out in a while doesn't mean they are cheating. Has she ever given you any reason to think she might have those tendencies? I'm sure she appreciates all of the hard work you do that affords her the opportunity to stay home; however, she probably misses the luxury of time you had together before the child and two jobs. You essentially work around the clock and so does she. On the weekend you all spend time together, but what about the time you spend with each other?

Having together time doesn't negate your love, loyalty or commitment to your child. You both obviously love your child very much as shown by your actions to make sure he is provided for and well taken care of, but make sure you also take care of each other.

I know sometimes that is easier said than done when life is so busy, but a little effort goes a long way. 

Good luck to you both.

Oh, by the way, I'm curious - did she work before the two of you got married?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So, how did you get to the point that you are ok with your wife having a bf? 

You honestly think they are not doing it?

And you are worried about the house being clean. 

I don't believe your post. I think you are lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I have 3 kids and it's not hard to clean up after them. Honestly. None of my boys napped passed the age of 1.5 years. I don't know why, but they didn't. Laundry...super easy. Throw it in the washing machine and check it in 30 mins - throw it in the dryer. A whole 5 mins of the day gone, right there. Bathrooms, not hard. Throw the kid in an exersaucer, bouncy seat, whatever...and clean the damn bathroom. It takes like 20 mins to clean one...if you're being super woman about it. The part that takes me the longest is mopping. I have to steam mop all of my floors and I hate it. But it gets done every 2-3 days. If the child were an infant, I would have more sympathy, but it's not, and I don't. 

My boys pick up after themselves for the most part. I have an 11, 5 and almost 3 year old. I have taught them they need to clean up after themselves. Mama ain't doing it. So at SOME point during the day she can take 30-45 mins out of the ENTIRE day and tidy up the house, even just a tiny bit. If it's only ONE kid and the kid is 2, I'm not really seeing how it's that difficult. Let them make a mess in a designated area all day. When the day is over, pick it up. It's not impossible to get things done with one kid. If you choose to stay home, that's what you do. 

Anyway, other than that, why do you let her disrespect you by going out until 1:30am with her boyfriend? I mean, really?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> @benderjl1 Do you think your wife is SO interesting that this guy just enjoys chatting her up and buying her free drinks all night?


Slight thread-jack. And I shouldn't "out" my fraternity of brothers, but...

Gals. If any of you are thinking "Hold on. My BFF is a guy. We do a LOT of stuff together and he has ZERO interest in me. I'm going to post that here"!

Just, don't. How badly he wants to **** you is in a DIRECT correlation to how much of the time you spend together is initiated by him. 50% = REALLY badly. (DISCLAIMER - This does not apply to gay men.)

Dude, regardless of your WIFE'S intentions, you let her leave the house on a date (there really is no other word for it) with a man who wants to have sex with her. Period. 

And she didn't even need to pay for a babysitter. I kind of feel for you now.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BNO/GNO HAVE NO BUSINESS IN MARRIAGE!!!! PERIOD! 

If my wife wanted to paruse the clubs without me, she will do it single.

If there is going out...you hire a baby sitter and both go. Her attitude screams disrespect and she has a wild hair. Check her comms and get a VAR to catch any phone calls.

I bet she was trashing you to him and he was blowing sunshine up her backside or worse her front side. She is pissed cause she is entitled princess and how dare you be upset she was with her bf having a good time. She works soooo hard at home and you should be the nanny after you get home from busting your ass with 2 jobs, so she can go out partying with her boy friend. 

I bet they have a history together you do not know about. Past BF/GF, old fvckbuddies. It's there some where.


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## benderjl1 (Aug 17, 2012)

Just giving an update and sharing some thoughts. 

I appreciate all who have given advice as this was the main reason for posting my story. When you have someone in your life that keeps making you feel terrible for getting upset at their actions, there is a point where you second-guess yourself and need confirmation that your thoughts and beliefs are not crazy. 

For those that did tell me to read No More Mr. Nice Guy, thank you. I found it had some interesting points and one of my biggest takeaways is that I do tend to not open up or even have little white lies to make it seem like my life and marriage are perfect to others. There also is a lot that I do not find relevant. I had a great relationship with my father growing up. I am not stuck and limited in my career because I play it safe. I actually got to the point in my career by going against popular opinion. I make decisions that effects peoples lives every day and stand up to face criticism and challenges on a daily basis. 

Although my professional attitude does not translate into my attitude at home. Last night, I put my foot down very firmly. There will be no more going out with male friends alone all night, no more treating me with disrespect and no more BS excuses for not helping out around the house. I told her how I have devoted too much of my time to her and my son are happy and that I will be taking more time in the future to help meet my own needs. If she was upset or angry at any of this, than this isnt the relationship for her. I told her it wasn't a threat, but an action plan to make myself happy. I am ready and prepared to leave if she continues to use me like this. 

I fully anticipate that this monumental demand session I had last will not spark any changes for my wife. It may after for a week or two, but that is it. I am prepared to move on. It breaks my heart because I only want the best for my son, but it probably would be better for him in the long run. 

For those who were very hell-bent on cheating, I dont think that is an issue. But I 100% agree it was headed towards the possibility of a "just happened" moment. She only goes out with someone other than me (male or female) maybe once a month. I have confidence in myself as a person and a husband to let my wife do so every once and a great while. If she wants to ruin our relationship and what she has, so be it. Im not going to stop that anyway. I am not so insecure that I am "not going to let her out of the house." What she did was wrong. I havent been ready to deal with the repeat behavior before and now I am.

I came her seeking help and advice. I was particularly interested in what the female point of view was. For someone coming here seeking advice and help, I never thought I would be subjected to being called names, a fake and a liar and anything else. For those of you who did so, it is clear that you have been burnt badly in the past and I am so sorry you are so jaded from your experience that all you can do is sit here and harp on those that actually need some advice. Being "brave," a "man" or even not being a "doormat" is much more than seeking divorce. Taking a deep look at yourself and facing a challenge head on so that those you love are in a better place is being brave. Some of you get that I think. Others have a long way to go. 

Ill keep providing updates and I am fortunate to have some people on here that posted really great advice. I hope I repay the favor some day soon.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dude.

Go back and read your other threads; there's plenty (in each of them) that would lead anyone not influenced by the highly-customized wife goggles that you've been wearing to believe that your wife has been cheating for some time now.

_And w/ more than one guy._

And you've got a young child born right in the middle of all this dysfunction?

Someone else please say it.

I'm tired of saying it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Oh boy, the angry "you people are bitter and don't understand love" speech. You want to stay in the marriage that's cool. Well, hopefully you do not get blindsided. 1:30 am with the same man over the course of months and drunk driving means your wife has issues. You've let it continue it means you have issues. You admit you don't know the guy that well. That's on you and she is raising a child, but you are doing all of the laundry, some of the cleaning, while spending time with her and the child while working two jobs. Then you accept the problems, while telling us you are brave.




> She doesn't go out like this all the time - maybe once a month but has never stayed out this late. Am I wrong for feeling this way? She really freaked out when I brought it up and really won't talk about it. Do you think there is something else going on?


You asked for opinions and now you do not like what you heard. Don't ask questions unless, you are prepared for the answers.
You are trying to be a martyr and most people here are going to look right past the cover.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

benderjl1 said:


> For those who were very hell-bent on cheating, I dont think that is an issue. But I 100% agree it was headed towards the possibility of a "just happened" moment. She only goes out with someone other than me (male or female) maybe once a month. I have confidence in myself as a person and a husband to let my wife do so every once and a great while. If she wants to ruin our relationship and what she has, so be it. Im not going to stop that anyway. I am not so insecure that I am "not going to let her out of the house." What she did was wrong. I havent been ready to deal with the repeat behavior before and now.


Many come here looking for advice. Some are heavy handed probably because of what they've been through and experienced. Most like you get offended that's natural. Many like you are in denial of what may be. 

A lot end up "I never thought this could happen to me or I never thought I'd be in this situation". 

Some are in fear of the real truth. A wife going out with another man alone is a huge red flag. Whether you want to use the info from those that have been where you are is totally up to you. I can tell you this I've heard "he's just a friend, I totally trust her, "etc many, many times.

If I were you I would want to know the truth. You can never fix anything if you don't know what the problem is. 

I'll say this again once an affair goes physical it's tough to fix. From what you've posted I suspect it's already there. If you're smart you'll do some digging and find out what you need to deal with. 

Usually recovering deleted Text messages are the best info. Some have had success with VAR's.

You are here for a reason. Gut feelings are almost always right.

Whatever route you take I hope it works out for you.

Good luck


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm not angry. 

I get that you trust your wife. 

There's red flags all over the field as far as cheating goes. Not as in a couple, as in knee deep with red flags. I'd go as far as to say I'd be frankly amazed if she hadn't crossed the line somewhere. 

Do yourself a favour. Just have a look under the covers, ok? Check out her phone, her Facebook, her email. Does she keep that stuff locked down? Show up from work a few times early and unexpected. 

How did she respond to your conversation?

And what's her excuse for the rest of your issues?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

benderjl1 said:


> .... Last night, I put my foot down very firmly. There will be no more going out with male friends alone all night, no more treating me with disrespect and no more BS excuses for not helping out around the house. I told her how I have devoted too much of my time to her and my son are happy and that I will be taking more time in the future to help meet my own needs. If she was upset or angry at any of this, than this isnt the relationship for her. I told her it wasn't a threat, but an action plan to make myself happy. I am ready and prepared to leave if she continues to use me like this.
> 
> I fully anticipate that this monumental demand session I had last will not spark any changes for my wife. It may after for a week or two, but that is it. I am prepared to move on. It breaks my heart because I only want the best for my son, but it probably would be better for him in the long run.


You left out one important piece of information for us: How did your wife react to what you said to her? What was her response verbally? Anger? Defensiveness? Defiance? Remorse? What was her body language? Why do you think that "this monumental demand session I had last will not spark any changes for my wife"? Please give us more information.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I don't think you want help. I think you want someone to tell you that everything will be fine if you just keep your mouth shut. Well, we COULD tell you that, but it would mean about as much as your wife does when she says she loves you.


Yup, I nailed it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife went out on a date with another man until 1:30 am.

What do you call this? A friendly chat over drinks that went on too late? That's called a date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude.
> 
> Go back and read your other threads; there's plenty (in each of them) that would lead anyone not influenced by the highly-customized wife goggles that you've been wearing to believe that your wife has been cheating for some time now.
> 
> ...


I will get this one fer ya. DNA the child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ahhh, now I get your anger at some of the posters, I just read the rest of your other threads. You were warned, over three and a half years ago to divorce this woman. So, this thread feels like one big "WE TOLD YOU SO" from TAM and has made you angry. You just downplayed how little she helps around the house, which was NOT AT ALL in 2012, but you went ahead and had a kid with this person. 

She quit her corporate job for a lower paying one and is now a SAHM, why would she change?
She doesn't pay any bills, doesn't work, doesn't clean and you do all of this, why would she change?
She gets to go out drinking until 1:30 with men, this is the second named incident, while you watch the child, why would she change?
She got you to take up a second job, to pick up her slack, why would she change?
She wasn't cleaning BEFORE your child was born, why would it change when she actually has a child running around, why would she change?


No, for those who will not read the other threads, I am not downplaying the work a SAHM has with a small child. I'm talking about her behavior BEFORE she had a baby. She picked a specific guy who would support her behavior.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I remember the other threads.

OP acts like he just dropped the hammer on her the other night, and intends to divorce of she reverts.

How about going ahead and giving some consequences for years of reprehensible behavior and file papers and hand them to her?

It's because you value her over yourself and that's totally cool, UNLESS she places zero value on you, which is evident by everyone.

We think you're in the right to can her and go find happiness, and are encouraging you to do it. There's no other option. She is dating other men while you watch the kids, clean house, and work two jobs to support her sorry arse. What more do you want us to do for you?
Who gets more of her attention and AFFECTION? You or the "friend"?
We all know the answer. You do too.
Get your head out of the sand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, I hate cleaning, and the house wasn't a palace when I was a SAHM, but at least once a week I managed to get it looking respectable. Sometimes that stretched out to once a fortnight when I was dealing with depression. That's not because DH had issues with a dirty house (though he flips his lid if he runs out of clean underwear), but because I had my own standards.

If you are the sort of person who lacks ANY standards, that's not going to suddenly change when you have a child.

As for going out all night with another guy; I had no interest in other guys, still don't. If I have an opportunity to go out, it's DH I want to go out with. I go out with friends for coffee, pilates class, to the theatre etc, but for a night on the town, it's your lover and your best friend you want to hang out with, and I personally think your spouse should be that person.

So I get two things from your post; you and your wife lack a solid friendship under all of it, and that's very sad, and second thing, she never had the same standards as you in regards to cleanliness.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

No, I have not been cheated on. 

Your wife going out with friends is one thing.

Your wife going out with a guy is a date. You have no clue what they have done on those dates. 
I have read to many threads on this site and many others to see this in any other way. All it takes
is one date for it to happen. What do you think they were doing till 1:30 am in the morning. Remember
she was not to drunk to drive home, so they were not drinking the entire 6 1/2 hours.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I will never understand why many men, myself included when I was young, tolerate their girlfriend or wife going on dates.
> 
> 
> Yes, call it what it is.


Unfortunately this is very true. When I was younger, and dating my now ex-husband, I was in school 2 hours away and befriended an old work colleague. There wasn't anything untoward going on but I spent a lot of time with him studying, foraging for mushrooms for the kitchen etc. My exH was nervous about it but I reassured him that nothing was going on. He never made a move, but I was totally naive about the whole situation. I thought he wanted to be my friend. In later years I would discover when the friend introduced his future wife to me and my, at that time husband, that he had a crush on me while we were friends and apparently talked about me. I never lied to my exH about spending time with my friend, but looking back, I was pretty idiotic to assume it was all so innocent. After marriage, I didn't have male friends like that again, as I didn't feel it was appropriate, however innocent it may seem. It wasn't until years later that I thought, really thought about boundaries. About what was appropriate, and about how I felt about my then-husband having so many attractive single female friends. Obviously it wasn't innocent in those cases!


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