# Views on foreplay



## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

My wife and I have been married almost 6 1/2 years and things at first were very good and very often. My question now is about foreplay..... she doesn't really care for it. She'll give me a bj before sex and we'll cuddle and stuff but she doesn't really like anything done to her. She likes it when I play with her boobs but when my hands wonder down south she closes her legs and either do other things or move right into sex. I asked her about it and she said sometimes it just makes her tense up even though she really doesn't know why. Giving her oral is out for the same reasons. I gave her oral not long ago and she really enjoyed it, had an orgasm, but when we talked later on about doing that again sometime she started to get panicked. She asked why I want to do that and I told her so sex isn't just about me. She said she gets whatever she wants whenever she wants from me, she just doesn't want it that often. She seldom has an orgasm from sex so I always offer to get her off afterwards, she says those orgasms are way better anyways. So am I being selfish by not wanting to be selfish?? I would do whatever she wanted


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## Tango in Triple Time (Jul 14, 2015)

Speechless.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Tango in Triple Time said:


> Speechless.


 LOL! 

I think this may be typical of a repressed LD woman.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife has always detested foreplay. She always wanted to jump right to the "good part" also. Only fairly recently in our relationship has this begun to change, and it's been a slow change.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that's a tough one bro. but for some reason she just doesn't like you being down there.

she doesn't even know why. i think she's being honest. sometimes it just doesn't feel 'right' and you can't explain why.

i'd say it has nothing to do with you or technique.

i'd have to say take her at face value when she says she's ok with things as they are. leave it alone and keep on truckin the best you can.
count your blessings.

my only question would be, you say "at first things were very good and very often", but you don't explain what's changed and for how long.

therein might lie the answers.

i think the ladies might have better insights.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Thank you for the encouraging replies! Jorg.... When we first got married we had sex quite often and I was allowed down there a lot more. She's never been comfortable receiving oral, I just think it took awhile for her to say so. But early on too she would like it when I would finger her before sex but then that died out too. Sex to her is foreplay and gets her turned on for when she wants to get off afterwards. Maybe it's more of a time thing, I'm not sure, she is extremely busy. I don't push it either, I mentioned one time if we could even have a more passionate, more hands on sex experience even once a month but got no real commitment.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Try to open the conversation to get to the "why." It might be because of previous experiences or it could be how she feels about her body. My W is very uncomfortable with her vagina. She thinks vaginas are ugly and gross, so why would I want to perform oral on her? She's ok with fingers, but not much else. In any case, maybe she needs reassurance that she's desirable (all of her) or maybe previous experiences have led to a trauma reaction (e.g., tensing up). 

On the bright side...congrats on the BJ's!


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Interesting.... thanks!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'll watch that when I get home Peacem--thanks. For myself, I'm not opposed to the concept of "sex as a warmup", except I'm not getting any younger, and occasionally I need some actual foreplay myself.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Thank you for the encouraging replies! Jorg.... When we first got married we had sex quite often and I was allowed down there a lot more. She's never been comfortable receiving oral, I just think it took awhile for her to say so. But early on too she would like it when I would finger her before sex but then that died out too. *Sex to her is foreplay and gets her turned on for when she wants to get off afterwards.* Maybe it's more of a time thing, I'm not sure, she is extremely busy. I don't push it either, I mentioned one time if we could even have a more passionate, more hands on sex experience even once a month but got no real commitment.


that could very well be the answer then.

thanks to peacm for posting the video. it tells us what we already knew. that most women don't come from vaginal sex alone.
many women need to masturbate to finish. there fore, the sex IS the foreplay. no prior foreplay needed. 

so, what to do? try different techniques that are within her comfort zone or on the edge of it. maybe a bit more fingering that she can tolerate. i find when i finger my w, i get some stimulus.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll share a story from a phone conversation my wife had with one of her mildly dysfunctional female friends....

This friend complained that her husband just had NO IDEA how to get her turned on and that every time in bed he only seemed to want to play with her nipples and shove his fingers inside her. As much as she tried to explain to do other things first and avoid those areas until she was really aroused, *he would still go straight for tweaking her nipples and jabbing his fingers into her vagina, and this PISSED HER OFF BEYOND BELIEF to the point where she could almost not stand to have sex with her husband anymore. *

So the moral of that story is that when it comes to foreplay, while yes us guys like to grab boobs and slip a finger inside, that DOES NOT COUNT AS FOREPLAY FOR WOMEN. It counts as annoying overstimulation!

I would suggest you try talking dirty and telling her how much you like everything she does to you with her püssy, and that you are crazy mad in love with her. Beg her to tease YOU a little and tell her how good it feels while she is doing it. In my opinion, that is good foreplay, and you are golden once she starts begging for you to put it inside. 

*I would strongly encourage the ladies here at time to make a list of things that count as welcomed foreplay?*

Badsanta


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

badsanta said:


> I'll share a story from a phone conversation my wife had with one of her mildly dysfunctional female friends....
> 
> This friend complained that her husband just had NO IDEA how to get her turned on and that every time in bed he only seemed to want to play with her nipples and shove his fingers inside her. As much as she tried to explain to do other things first and avoid those areas until she was really aroused, *he would still go straight for tweaking her nipples and jabbing his fingers into her vagina, and this PISSED HER OFF BEYOND BELIEF to the point where she could almost not stand to have sex with her husband anymore. *
> 
> ...


well, see. i think therein lies the problem. clearly not all ladies welcome the same things. and the ones who are willing and open to disclose are likely more high drive, which is often the opposite of the type of woman you are trying to arouse. so a list might not be so helpful.

But other than that, i think badsanta has it right. I love his idea of begging her to tease, and making sure to be vocal in your approval. Seeing what she will do, what she finds sexy, should be a key indicator of the kind of thing you should be doing if you want her to enjoy it.

Sometimes more LD women are looking for a more romantic type of experience. Words of love, lots of touching over the clothes first, going slowly. Especially true for the type of woman who is overstimulated by too much boob/vagina touching too soon.

But then again. every woman is different. The trick is to find out what works for your woman. and keep mixing it up, a lot of times it becomes a routine. and then instead of it being a fun experience it's a step by step process.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ray83 said:


> ...My question now is about foreplay..... she doesn't really care for it.
> 
> ......She likes it when I play with her boobs but when my hands wonder down south she closes her legs and either do other things or move right into sex. ....Giving her oral is out for the same reasons. I gave her oral not long ago and she really enjoyed it, had an orgasm, but when we talked later on about doing that again sometime she started to get panicked.
> 
> .....She said she gets whatever she wants whenever she wants from me, she just doesn't want it that often. She seldom has an orgasm from sex so I always offer to get her off afterwards, she says those orgasms are way better anyways. *So am I being selfish by not wanting to be selfish??* I would do whatever she wanted



A few thoughts. Yes you are being selfish for wanting not to be selfish. There is no right frequency or variety of sex in marriage it is all about two people reaching a compromise that they can both live with. 

One of the hard lessons I had to learn in my marriage was that sometimes, my wife just really doesn't want to have a toe curling orgasm and she would rather give me the gift of her body and hold and enjoy making me orgasm. He sexual desire is not as high as mine and at times that means for us to have a good compromise that she needs to take her joy in pleasuring me every once in a while and I need to accept that.

Next thought. One of the interesting things is that nipple/breast stimulation increases oxytocine in the blood stream. Doctors use injections of oxytocine to help induce labor in pregant women. Oxytocine causes stronger uterine/vaginal contractions and for most women can lead to both stronger orgasms and multiple orgasms. So yes she may really like breast stimulation because you are releasing a feel good sex hormone that promotes orgasms and a feeling of bonding and trust. 

Another things that is kind of surprising is that for some women they need to be aroused before they can do something they normally find disgusting, like sex. This is not all women, just some. Read the following story and understand how important foreplay above the belt may be to your wife before you wonder below the belt.

How Arousal Overrides Disgust During Sex: Study

The point is that "foreplay" is not a uniform thing that can be applied to all body parts at the same time and for each woman the stages of forepay and sequence of body part AND mental stimulation is not uniform. You need some trial and error in learning how to please you wife.

I was in a sex starved marriage and once we started to improve things, bringing in a sex therapist to help expedite change was a real marriage saver. After you spend some more time learning more about how to make sex better and more enjoyable for your wife and make her feel loved and cherished, you might suggest that the two of you go to a sex therapist to help you reach a compromise on any grid-lock issues you may have not been able to resolve.

Good luck.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I dunno folks. I see it differently.

There are many types of lovers. There are many types of chemistries. This all sounds so unnatural. I don't really think anything you learn, improve or do in the bedroom matters anymore. Read this next part very well: FOREPLAY SHOULD BE ALL DAY. Easiest ways to turn her on (and sorry if there are feminists here), is to do the following. It's really easy to turn her on and you don't even need to know her. 

The three tee's: 

1) TELL. Start saying no more. Stop giving in all the time. Be more assertive. Even slightly ****ish. Be the man and make the plans. Try it for a week. Take charge. And have fun with it too, because know, that in the back of your mind, you DO have options. Be mysterious. Be strong and brave, but be kind. 

2) TOUCH: Start incorporating casual, non-sexual touching through your interactions with her. You know, like touching her shoulder or leg when you make a point. Also make sure you keep eye contact. 

3) TEASE: Lightly bug her sometimes. Most women are ****ed. Teasing, flirting and playful banter makes them feel more secure. It's not a brain thing. It's a biology thing that even I don't understand, but it works. Be a calm person. Be the lame but strong mountain women seek. 


Me personally? I hate foreplay. I ****ing hate it with a passion.. I seriously find that when foreplay is necessary it's because I didn't play my cards right or the chemistry isn't there and I am beating a dead horse. Sometimes you just aren't in the mood either. Everything should be natural and non-forced, IMO.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Young, thank you for the article. I should have been a little more clear on my earlier posts. She has told me that she does not like immediate stimulation below the belt, so I spent more time on the areas she mentioned. It helped calm things greatly but didn't relieve the often anxiety of doing things below the belt. I didn't mean to give the impression that I wanted to do things down there regardless of her wants. I do what she likes, sometimes I would just like sex to be more than getting me off. Thank you all again!


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> I seriously find that when foreplay is necessary it's because I didn't play my cards right or the chemistry isn't there and I am beating a dead horse. Sometimes you just aren't in the mood either. Everything should be natural and non-forced, IMO.


You lost me here. Even if I don't NEED foreplay, I still want it. All that kissing and touching and rubbing is great, and feels quite natural to me.

Skipping straight to the below-the-belt stuff makes me feel used if it's done too often. I need touch!

But that's just me.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

The problem I often have with foreplay is that guys often jump to the vagina WAY to quickly. If I'm not already hot before he starts touching down there, it doesn't feel good, and sometimes actually feels bad. Guys get excited, and then they get rough, and some things should not be handled roughly without a proper warm-up!

If the woman doesn't want you going below-the-belt too quickly, there's probably a good reason for it. Some women feel gross about it, and can overcome that if they're aroused. Some just don't like it at all. And some won't tell you that what you do doesn't feel good, because the male ego can be very delicate about these things.

Just because she doesn't like to be fingered doesn't mean she's not enjoying herself. Kiss more, caress more, tease more... if she says she's getting what she needs from you, trust her. And maybe try getting her REALLY hot, like practically begging for it, and then see if she's okay with being touched. You may be able to acclimate her to it like that... if she's very sensitive down there, touch too early may feel bad, and she'll shrink away from it out of habit. So only touch her when she's really hot and see what happens!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NoSizeQueen said:


> So only touch her when she's really hot and see what happens!


Just try one time to tell your partner that you will NOT touch her, no matter how bad she wants it! Then wait for it....


...(ok I admit you might have to wait a while)...



...then she will like grab your hand or penis and force her way onto you!

Cheers, 
Badsanta











Don't leave me hanging bro!!!!


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Don't leave me hanging bro!!!!


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

Maybe she was sexually abused as a child? She could have no actual memory of it, but still feeling the after effects.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

I've wondered that.... I asked her awhile back if that may have happened and she said she didn't know. If it did happen, what's the next step?? It actually could be likely, her mom was abused as a child, I don't think it was piv but nonetheless, there was abuse. My wife's sister had something happen to her when she was young but my wife would not say what happened.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Santa, I wasn't accusing her at all. If it was something that happened her getting help for it would be way more important than our sex lives. I've never forced into doing anything nor made her feel bad for not wanting certain things. My point in this thread was to find out if there was something I wasn't doing or something I could do better. Or if there were underlying problems i could help her through. I'm sorry I gave you a false impression ofy motives. She has had mental health issues in the past that she admits to and still deals with, and attempted suicide while in college. Not that that has anything to do with my original question, but maybe it gives more light to where I'm coming from...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ray83 said:


> Santa, I wasn't accusing her at all. If it was something that happened her getting help for it would be way more important than our sex lives. I've never forced into doing anything nor made her feel bad for not wanting certain things. My point in this thread was to find out if there was something I wasn't doing or something I could do better. Or if there were underlying problems i could help her through. I'm sorry I gave you a false impression ofy motives. She has had mental health issues in the past that she admits to and still deals with, and attempted suicide while in college. Not that that has anything to do with my original question, but maybe it gives more light to where I'm coming from...


Sorry I deleted my post from earlier.... In my opinion it just seems best not to judge or accuse. 

Just ask yourself if increasing foreplay is something YOU WANT or something YOU WANT for her to want. Then just realize it is what it is, something that YOU WANT. 

Focus on making her feel loved and cared for, instead of doing or saying anything that might make her feel inadequate or broken.

Badsanta


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Santa, thanks for the reply. Yes my goal is for her to feel safe and loved. I don't push things that she doesn't like nor would I intentionally bring up things to make her feel broken. I was just looking for some guidance and/or insight into the matter.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I was going to suggest the same thing as Seppuku said. Is there a chance of sexual abuse or rape in her past somewhere. I now I have a pst his troy or rape and child sexual abuse. I HATE foreplay. It makes me feel like an object. Even after 20 years of marriage and sex with the same man, foreplay just brings back terrible memories. So we totally skip the foreplay. It makes me feel more like my body belongs to my husband and I have little to no say about what my body is used for. Though I know I can stop him at any time. My body and the things he does to it during foreplay are for his benefit not mine. I really just don't like it. We usually jsut skip all the foreplay stuff and get on with the action. 

I see that you did ask your wife about sexual abuse and she said she didn't know (That means yes it happened). The average person would say "HELL NO", or "no, absolutely not". But she didn't say that. She said she didn't know. Which trust me on this one, means yes even if she isn't positive. A marriage therapist, a sex therapist, or a therapist who specializes in trauma's would be a great investment. And I say investment because you are investing in her, and she is investing in herself which is hte first step to getting better. 

Best of luck to you. I don;t like to be wrong, but in this case I hope I am wrong. I hope nothing happened to her in her past. It is hell to recover from, but it can be done.


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