# Is it normal for your wife to...



## OnTheBrink

1) Throw away your stuff when you're not around

This is usually clothing but other stuff too, and includes items that I had specifically said I wanted to keep (e.g. some had sentimental value: gifts from family members, items worn on a special occasion). She seems to think that my marrying her gives her the right to do this though she certainly doesn't want me touching her stuff. This was worse early in the marriage and at least now I have her giving stuff to Goodwill instead of just trashing it.

2) Take offense to your helping out with housework

My wife takes it as I'm implying she can't handle it herself or isn't doing a good enough job. For example,a couple of weekends ago, I had some yard work to do but first started putting away a pile of clothes that had been laying around for a while. My wife sees me and gets mad, ordered me away, and then proceeded to undo the way I had been organizing the clothes. I then worked on the yard, but wasn't able to finish everything. A couple of days later I come home to find that she had finished the yard.

I'm just curious if these types of things are common. Is this considered acceptable behavior from a spouse? I may add more ...to the list later


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## morituri

No it is not. She is treating you like as though you were a child and she your parent. What is more disturbing is why you have allowed this to begin with?


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## pidge70

Sounds a tad OCD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating

This wouldn't be normal in our household.

1) Usually once a year we sort through clothes and give anything decent to good-will, the other stuff gets thrown. We do this together. I start with doing my own clothes and encourage him to join me. Then we go through our clothes together and bag them up. 

2) Maybe she doesn't like the way you organize? Maybe she's a bit controlling over her domain and responsibilities? If hubs sees to one of my chores, he gets BIG THANK YOU's and/or KISSES! 

I have asked him not to wash our clothes as this is my domain. As capable as he is normally, some of my items are delicate and I'm more aware of them being in the laundry basket. But he washed our clothes a few weeks back. He knew I had a lot going on and I was planning on doing laundry that night when I got home. He had time during the day and thought he'd do it for me so I didn't have to. My white top for work is now a strange shade of peach lol. When he's proudly showing that he's done the clothes wash so I don't have to worry about it, do ya think I'm really gonna get worked up about a pink sock accidentally being put into the wash with my white top? .....nope. He did apologize about my white top but we just laughed about it. And he cursed that sneaky white sock with the pink trim. 

How do you react when she refolds / gets rid of your clothes?


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## OnTheBrink

She does usually replace them with newer/nicer clothes, which at time is nice. It's the not consulting with me first, and the doing it in cases where I've specifically objected that gets me most. For example, there was an old pair of jeans that I was using as a pair of work pants that I can no longer find. If she had asked me first, I could have informed her of their purpose - now I have to wear a nicer pair that may end up getting messed up.

The "nice" aspect to the new clothes loses its appeal under these circumstances. For one, while I'm sure she has some good intention, it only counts for so much when it's a result of doing what she loves - shopping! I know I should and try to appreciate it regardess, but if she were being there in other ways it would be more appreciated. On another note, I have often felt like a trophy husband, and now with my kids like we're her trophy family to dress up and show off. She works hard to make us look good for her on the surface, but won't give the effort necessary to actually make the family better so we won't have to try so hard to look like we have things together.


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## OnTheBrink

3) On another note, insisting on plucking hairs or getting something out of my ears could be another item for the list,though I see someone else posted that, so at least I know I'm not the only one. For the latter case, it is usually whille I'm driving so I'm in a vulnerable position to avoid it. Granted that is when she is most likely to see something, and I think she does always wait till a time when we are stopped.


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## OnTheBrink

morituri said:


> No it is not. She is treating you like as though you were a child and she your parent.


I never thought about it like that - just always came across as disrespectful and controlling.



morituri said:


> What is more disturbing is why you have allowed this to begin with?


It is sad. I came into the relationship with no experience in a serious relationship, my wife had been in a several year relationship with someone who she said was extremely controlling. One of the things she complained about was him insisting that she dress a certain way. So she leaves him, finding someone inexperienced that she can then control. A challenge for me if this relationship ends, is ensuring I assert myself enough to gain a reasonable balance of power in the next relationship without going too far and repeating the cycle.

I also was going through some difficult life circumstances so was in a vulnerable position at the time. When we were first together, she manipulated me into some significant life changes. Then whenever I'd object to this behavior she'd threaten to leave me. This made me feel like I'd go back looking like a failure/fool so I'd give in. I take responsibility for being an enabler - I just don't know how to break the cycle. I've been trying for years and years, but she'll still resort to the same types of threats, and now I have more to lose. If I could go back, I would leave her then, and maybe it's time to count my losses now...


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## OhhShiney

I'm not sure what is normal about this stuff. My history is certainly peculiar. 

My ex wife used to throw away my stuff without asking. She threw out a few worn but comfortable shirts, and a few of my childhood mementos. I eventually realized that she was verbally abusive, and found out that chucking out other people's stuff without asking is something abusive people can do. 

Housework was an issue for us as well. She used to never do housework because she thought if she did housework it confirmed her in a role that was stereotypical and demeaning to women. She would complain if I suggested that we, say, take a weekend morning and clean the house together -- because me asking for her to do so implied that I thought she was supposed to take on the housewife role. For all that, if I didn't clean the house the way she felt it should be done. (she thought I was too OCD about some of the ways I cleaned, and that was the fault of my OCD mother who was a neat freak.) If I cleaned the toilets and left the toilet cleaner in it to soak (as one is supposed to) she'd yell at me for being inconsiderate for not involving her in the house cleaning decision and making it inconvenient for her. It was insane. Needless to say, the house was not the cleanest one on the block. 

I laugh about it now. 

The only think I got out of the relationship was the notion that I should have got out of the relationship many years before I did. 

I think my only advice is that if you don't think the behavior is normal, it's not normal, and you might consider talking about it.


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## ryansdad

My wife does not throw any of my things away w/o asking me first. When it comes to housework, there r certain things that i do not do bcause she doesnt like the way i do them such as the way i load the dishwasher, she hangs the clothes bcause she wants like colored clothes on the same colored hangers and them to be spaced exactly the same distance apart, and folding clothes. Other than that, when it comes to other housework, she loves for me to help her. I do believe she is a little O.C.D/A.D.D though. Lol.


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## RandomDude

> 1) Throw away your stuff when you're not around
> 
> This is usually clothing but other stuff too, and includes items that I had specifically said I wanted to keep (e.g. some had sentimental value: gifts from family members, items worn on a special occasion). She seems to think that my marrying her gives her the right to do this though she certainly doesn't want me touching her stuff. This was worse early in the marriage and at least now I have her giving stuff to Goodwill instead of just trashing it.


That's why I have my man-cave, my little haven hehe


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