# He is driving me NUTS!



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

we have been separated for a month. however he is still around after school and dinner and such for the kids, leaves once they go to bed.
wants to be alone to clear his head and regain the person who he is.needs space...ok he didnt give me a choice, but i went along. no ow alot of derpession and money problems. he is a constant spender of money that we dont have. no concept of reality.
if i call, ask a question, suggest he stay as his drive to parents is a long one, and by 9 pm i can see his exhuastion ( he starts work at 5 am)all wrong. went grocery shopping picked up a few things for him out of kindess,wrong everthing about me seems to be wrong...he says i try to hard?? i dont see it that way but ok, i have decided to stop all of it? is this right or wrong?
BIGGEST thing that throws me... he doesnt want ANYTHING from me right now, in a heated arguement even mentioned divorce...why does he call me then sometimes about the kids which is fine...others just to tell me something trivial about work or his day...anything to be honest...could anyone help me here please? mixed signals doesnt even do my situation justice.
I want to save this marriage, he claims it is too late...making no sense to me at all.
we had a parent teacher meeting last night and a poem was read. sounds silly but it was about parents and teachers, and how we help our children to strive. the closing line was most of all a stable loving home...needless to say i quietly excused myself and went to the restroom to regain my composure without saying anything to h. when we were leaving in separate vehicles, he asks whats wrong...i told him i felt as if we were failing our children and this made him edgy of course. how do i get the answers or how in the world do i get him to see the whole picture here????? sorry for the rant!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He sounds confused but I'd tell him that it is unfair for him to pick and choose what he wants to share with you or accept from you. If he needs space, tell him to get space but not to do this half-way thing. It is too difficult and isn't considerate of your feelings or needs or the fact that you love him so much.

If he says it is too late, tell him to get on with the divorce. But it sounds like he's ambivalent. And that means it isn't too late.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks dobo...wish i could get more responses! it is driving me crazy! i believe in my heart that this is his way of keeping me hanging on, what he doesnt realize is that it is not me who asked for all of this!he is unsure, confused, depressed and so on, im gonna back off, even when he is here with the kids...im gonna find something else to do. might that be the right approach? he wants to be alone right?:scratchhead:


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

When my H first left me very similar situation - he had no idea of the boundaries - I remember being incensed that he would come over and lie down on our couch - eat our food - generally treat me like the wife he didn't want. He went through a long period of being 'confused' and ambivalent - but for us it ended in him deciding to opt out - it is important for you that you establish your own boundaries - it doesn't mean that you have to stop loving him but when he is making you feel uncomfortable (which may be all the time) try and keeo your distance. Act as though you are not that interested in what he is going through - it is HIS stuff not yours....


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

oh yes and stop being the good wife - it sounds foreign I know but look after yourself first - he is putting himself first even though he is still managing to inspre your sympathy - and empathy - Boy I know that syndrome....it is hard to stop acting how you have acted for many years - but if you can treat him like a work colleague who you know but are not overly friendly with. Professional calm, indifferent.....if you end up separating permanently that will be the deal anayway and if he still has strong feelings towards saving the marriage he will start to realise that he has to close the distance


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I am going through the exact same thing. It is so confusing! I noticed if I get quiet and pull away and try tough love he does exactly the same thing back to me. If I am sweet, caring and ask about his life he starts to come around. But then when he starts to get too close he pulls away. I can't stand it. My mother just said to me tonight that she can't understand him. She saw him hug me outside and she was like what is that if he doesn't care anymore? He hugs me every night when he leaves unless I have said something that pisses him off, then he withholds any affection. I think it is just a control thing. I too also feel like he plays me so that I will hang on. I don't know what to do either. It has been 8 months for us. I too wish there were some answers.


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