# Step-parent Divorce



## 2confis3d (Mar 20, 2018)

Recently found out that my mother and stepfather as getting a divorce after being together for 23 years of my life ( currently 27 ). As of now I don't have to many problems with leaving his side of the family as I was never really that close with them. I know I'll have to be there for my mother as my two younger sisters will blame her for the split as they never really seen eye to eye with my mother. 

The advice I'm looking for is how do I tell her that I may want some relationship with the man I knew as Dad for almost 24 years, and what or how do I also tell my for year old son and twin two year olds that possibly their favorite Papa isn't Papa anymore because at this point it isn't as much about what I want but more importantly it's about these three young boys that I don't want to be destroyed by this situation.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The best way is to sit down with your mother and tell her how you honestly feel. You're an adult and capable of deciding the kinds of relationships you wish to maintain in your life, whether or not your choices impact the feelings of others. 

Reassure her of this and that your intention is not to cause her any undue pain, but to maintain a relationship with a person who was a fixture in your life for many years. To sever that connection feels unnecessary to you and contrary to your personal wishes. 

Unless your mother is very unreasonable, she should understand and appreciate your feelings on the matter. She may not agree, but she needs to be understanding.

For your kids, you can explain to them in age-appropriate ways. You can explain to your mom in a similar, honest fashion that you feel it important for your kids to maintain a relationship with the person they have always known as grandpa.

Honesty doesn't always care about people's hurt feelings, but you and your children aren't divorcing him, she is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He has been like a dad to you and is a granddad to your children. If she objects to you and the children seeing him that would be very selfish on her part. You are an adult and can make you own decisions.

The children are very young, I am not sure they will question too much why they are seeing him in another house, especially the 2 year olds.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I'd want to find out the why's, from her perspective, for the end of the relationship. If you learned that he was cruel to her and she never shared this with you, that might affect your decision to maintain a relationship with him, independent of the end of hers.

If the end of her marriage isn't something that she wanted, or caused in any way, she might feel extremely wounded by you not taking her side 100%.

I know that when my marriage ended because of my ex treating me horribly, people who tried to continue to be friends with both of us were not people I wanted in my life anymore.


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## 2confis3d (Mar 20, 2018)

I appreciate the advice. Was just wondering what someone else that has gone through something like this has done.
My mother didn't want the divorce she wanted to go to counseling but his take was what it's the point. Things have changed the last couple years because the children moved out and I guess I had attributed it to being empty nesters. I'm not absolutely sure what the situation was like on a day to day basis since I haven't lived with them for almost 8 years.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Yes I have. I met my ex when her son was 5. I raised him as my own from that point forward. After 24 years my ex decided she wanted to get a divorce. One of the few bright moments in life following her taking off, was my son (yes, MY son) calling to tell me that no matter what happens with his mother and I, he would always love me as his father and treat me accordingly. 
You didn't choose to end anything with your step father, neither did your kids. That is something that happened between the two of them. It is their problem, not yours. Neither your mother nor your step father have any right to expect anything different than that. If they do, they are being extremely selfish.
My son has made sure that I am always involved in everything that happens in his life. In fact he and his daughter have worked out a sort of visitation schedule, where each of us (his mother and I) alternate getting first dibs on holidays with them. So one year I get Christmas and she gets New Years and the next it is just the opposite.
He had a son recently and I am referred to as Grandpa
My situation is different only in that it was I who didn't want the divorce and it was she who decided it was a water of time. But I think it was very much the same otherwise. Our daughter had finished college and moved away so we were empty nesters. My life had not been happy (lack of sex, being disconnected, etc) Perhaps your step father understood where he was better than I did.


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## Nanon53 (May 3, 2018)

The sad part can be when the step-parent of 24 years has no problem walking away from those kids they have shared a home....a life with. My 29 yr old daughter passed away suddenly with a brain aneurysm and my ex didn't even come to the funeral. Wow....and he claims to be a Christian. My other children lost respect for him over that one. Granted, I don't have anything to do with HIS kids, but they were adults when we got married and I didn't raise them. And it is actually their choice...not mind. Very sad the mess we have made with our selfish choices!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Here is something young adult children might not understand in these situations. I left my ex after being with him for 27 years. My 2 older daughters were raised by him but he was not really an involved father. More involved, in the sense that he lived with us, than their bio-dad but very much in his own world. There were things I did not tell my children about our interactions as they were too personal and I did not feel my children needed to know those details. My ex is someone who shows a good face and on the surface is a good man. I will not try to come between my kids and him but what I can say is if my kids would step in my shoes they would understood what I went thru and only then would they decide not to have a relationship with this man. You did not have the relationship your mother did with your stepdad and you cannot truly understand what she went thru and what she endured that made her leave.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

remember she divorced him you didn't and she should not expect you too. after all this is not a custody battle your all adults make sure everyone behaves that way.


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