# How do I move forward?



## Novemberrain (Dec 22, 2012)

I found out about 2 weeks ago that my husband of 20 years had been smoking Meth for a month & a half. I was beyond shocked. We have an elementary age son & I couldn't believe my husband would bring something illegal & dangerous into our home. He'd last smoked Meth 15 yrs ago, but was addicted to pills for years before getting off them for good last summer (after losing a good job he'd had for 16 yrs). His lying has been a huge problem in our marriage. He said he'd become very depressed because he felt he was trying really hard on our marriage & he felt like I wasn't (my version is very different ), so he turned to meth. I tried repeatedly to get him to seek medical help for the way he was feeling, but he refused. He swears he didn't cheat on me. And he swears he'll never lie to me again. Am I an idiot to stick with him? I love him so much & That's why I feel so betrayed. I don't understand how you can lie so many times to someone you claim to love.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Drugs can be a powerful persuader. 

Did you find it or did he confess? Has he agreed to stop? Go to NA? Agree to random home testing? He has to learn to cope with life's challenges without drugs. Is he in some sort of counseling or you two in marriage counseling?

Setbacks are pretty common - there's a high of a risk of relapse, even after many many years. Your only choice is to deal with it or leave.

I'd say if he was honest and forthcoming, is willing to do the hard work and be completely transparent, learn those coping and communication skills through individual counseling and marriage then you have something to work with - if you still love him. You might also want to consider a full STD panel for both of you just to be sure.

If not, you will have to cut your losses and move on and separate. Yes, he may spiral downward, but your focus HAS to be on your own mental and physical well being and that of your son. You can't devote energy to taking care of you and your son and also bear the weight of his issues - those are his to take on and your son needs at least ONE solid, reliable, loving parent.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

They say no one is more selfish than an addict. All they care about is getting that drug/drink/gamble and you are in the way. When you are married to an addict, it's hard to come to grips with the fact that they hurt you over and over with little to no remorse. When called on the carpet they will deny it or turn it around on you. 

I can empathize (something addicts don't seem able to do) and know how you feel. Been living with an addict for over 20 years and like you, I still can't believe when he lies, gets too drunk, treats me like crap, etc. 

You know of course none of this is your fault. Man, meth is such a scary drug because of how it's made and what it does to the human body. It's unfair that you and your family have to witness his self-destruction. You may have to let him go no matter how much you love him. He won't stop for you or anyone and the pain it causes loved ones cannot even be described.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Zero tolerance.

Why did he swear he hasn't cheated on you? Where did that even come from?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Even if you are still married, you need to get full custody of your kid. Start there, and also appoint someone to handle all of your affairs and make decisions for you if something happens to you.

He is your legal next of kin and also your son's parent with full rights unless you do something about it.

You can also talk to an attorney about other stuff you need to consider...finances, protecting yourself from litigation, child custody issues, etc.

Never mind about the lying, you can safely assume that anyone with a drug addiction is going to lie. Nature of the beast. 

As for being depressed and working hard on the marriage, that's just talk. He has way bigger problems than those. Right, meth is going to make things better. Very funny way of thinking. So obviously he had some decision making problems even before using meth, and before using whatever it was he used before that...


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