# Conflicting signs from wife of 34 years



## 19rcrouse67 (12 mo ago)

Wife occasionally masturbates, but claims she has no desire, She gives frequent blow jobs, with restrictions. When we have any type of sex she orgasms everytime. But she doesn't like foreplay, doesn't like to show any affection or any need for affection. The couple of times per month when we do have sex she is a superstar. But doesn't understand why I want it every week. She is the perfect example of attitude is sexy, she has gained a lot of weight in the past few years but I want her now more than when she was thin. For the first time since married in 1987 she allowed me to give her an oral orgasm, she said it was awesome and she might let me do it again someday. She claims not to like oral, I've only been allowed to do it 3 times in 5 years.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Well, ok. If that works for you that’s good, I guess.

Did you have a question?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You married my wife. What's your age? I guess you must be in your late '50s? Any children at home?


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## JWakk (Sep 14, 2020)

19rcrouse67 said:


> Wife occasionally masturbates, but claims she has no desire, She gives frequent blow jobs, with restrictions. When we have any type of sex she orgasms everytime. But she doesn't like foreplay, doesn't like to show any affection or any need for affection. The couple of times per month when we do have sex she is a superstar. But doesn't understand why I want it every week. She is the perfect example of attitude is sexy, she has gained a lot of weight in the past few years but I want her now more than when she was thin. For the first time since married in 1987 she allowed me to give her an oral orgasm, she said it was awesome and she might let me do it again someday. She claims not to like oral, I've only been allowed to do it 3 times in 5 years.


It is likely your wife realises she has put on some weight and it is making her feel less beautiful and the problem is you telling her how beautiful she is doesn't change anything as wives are of the opinion it's a husbands job to tell them what they want to hear. 
This is why if other men compliment them enough they start getting an emotional connection with those guys. Its a sad fact but true. What I would do is try to gently start eating heathier cooking those type of meals for her not all the time but maybe twice or three times a week and maybe going for walks together or maybe hiking or cycling she will start to lose that weight and then she will get her confidence back.

But be gentle and don't mention her extra weight but say something like you are starting to put on weight and need to start doing things to get back in shape but you need her help and support to do it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i agree, the fact that she is now overweight might give her idea that she could not possibly be attractive to you anymore....so she is avoiding sex or instances where she has to be naked in front of you. 
you can counter this somewhat by making her less body image conscious. one thing that works well is a stretchy full body lingerie piece that hides any unattractive parts of her body (stretch markes, etc).

it is not unheard of that women in the older years get hypersensitive to orgasms, too. in other words, where they might have needed ten or twenty minutes to cum when younger, now can cum in a minute or two...and then they are done. It is odd, but the bad thing for you is you might interprest that as her not liking having sex, while instead it is just that she already came and does not need any more. 

maybe you can involve her in some alternate sexual things? Maybe you could try some light bondage, where you use velcro handcuffs, and leg restraints, so she involves her mind a lot more, and it is not just a quick one minute orgasm and she is done...but instead takes a good hour to complete fully


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Some people masturbate to avoid a connection to others.
Given her other attributes - this may be her MO.


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## 19rcrouse67 (12 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> You married my wife. What's your age? I guess you must be in your late '50s? Any children at home?


54, no children at home for 12 years.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

19rcrouse67 said:


> she has gained a lot of weight in the past few years but I want her now more than when she was thin.


Have you told her this? I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio the other day and she was telling a story about a woman who is going through menopause and is suffering from intense hot flashes so she sleeps naked and on top of the covers. Her husband gets up before her to get ready for work and one morning she wakes up to find her husband staring at her and smiling. She asked him what he was doing and he told her that he finds her so sexy. She said, why do you find a middle-aged, overweight woman with hot flashes sexy? His response was, 'because I love you.' Now I don't know, but I'm willing to bet that this guy gets laid all he wants. Talk to your wife dude.


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## 19rcrouse67 (12 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> Have you told her this? I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio the other day and she was telling a story about a woman who is going through menopause and is suffering from intense hot flashes so she sleeps naked and on top of the covers. Her husband gets up before her to get ready for work and one morning she wakes up to find her husband staring at her and smiling. She asked him what he was doing and he told her that he finds her so sexy. She said, why do you find a middle-aged, overweight woman with hot flashes sexy? His response was, 'because I love you.' Now I don't know, but I'm willing to bet that this guy gets laid all he wants. Talk to your wife dude.


I have on numerous occasions but nothing seems to change. She gets pissed when I just talk about sex.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

19rcrouse67 said:


> I have on numerous occasions but nothing seems to change. She gets pissed when I just talk about sex.


It is a _sore_ subject for her. 

Find out why.

I would first look for some past resentment on her part toward you.

Does she forgive easily or does she remember every little thing you did 'wrong'.

Then again, she may be one of those people who do not like anyone to touch them.
When the urge strikes she will relent and invite you to copulate, not to make love.


_Lilith-_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

19rcrouse67 said:


> Wife occasionally masturbates, but claims she has no desire, She gives frequent blow jobs, with restrictions. When we have any type of sex she orgasms everytime. But she doesn't like foreplay, doesn't like to show any affection or any need for affection. The couple of times per month when we do have sex she is a superstar. But doesn't understand why I want it every week. She is the perfect example of attitude is sexy, she has gained a lot of weight in the past few years but I want her now more than when she was thin. For the first time since married in 1987 she allowed me to give her an oral orgasm, she said it was awesome and she might let me do it again someday. She claims not to like oral, I've only been allowed to do it 3 times in 5 years.


How is the rest of your marriage? How is your communication?

Does she respect you?

How was raising your children together? If you had children which is likely given the duration of your marriage.

Has she always claimed no desire?

What are your backgrounds?

Did she have a religious upbringing?

You have laid out a couple details that really don't help us get a picture.

From the limited information, all I get is that she seems very sexually inexperienced and pretty reserved or even stunted. She also seems selfish but it's really hard to tell without context.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

19rcrouse67 said:


> I have on numerous occasions but nothing seems to change. She gets pissed when I just talk about sex.


Before the Sex Therapist helped resolve my sex starved marriage with my wife, if I was proud of something she did and told her how wonderful she was for doing it, she would growl at me and say something like "stop trying to butter me up, just to get in my pants." It could have been something she did at work, it could have been something she did friends, it didn't really matter. She felt that morning noon and night the only thing on my mind was sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think you already know what's going on. She's not crazy about expressing or receiving affection and of course I don't know if that's something recent or if she was very affectionate when you married her. But she still has physical needs and so when she wants to have sex or masturbate is when she wants just sexual release. 

There seems to be a lot more women who mainly want the affection but she is different from most of them. Seems like she's going mainly on sexual urge and so she may reach an age when that declines and then it may slow way down. 

I don't think you have it that bad though. I know you're frequency is lower than you want but I don't know hardly any couples that don't have a conflict about that. If she is giving it her all when you are doing it I think you should consider yourself on the plus side rather than on the negative side.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When most gals really really care about their man - they want the affection from him too.

Makes me think she’s not that into you.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> Before the Sex Therapist helped resolve my sex starved marriage with my wife, if I was proud of something she did and told her how wonderful she was for doing it, she would growl at me and say something like "stop trying to butter me up, just to get in my pants." It could have been something she did at work, it could have been something she did friends, it didn't really matter. She felt that morning noon and night the only thing on my mind was sex.


Been there. I learned recently that every time I surprised her with flowers, she thought i was trying to get laid. It was true twice in 30 years. Twice! Saving $ as i no longer surprise her with flowers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Been there. I learned recently that every time I surprised her with flowers, she thought i was trying to get laid. It was true twice in 30 years. Twice! Saving $ as i no longer surprise her with flowers.


I don’t understand a woman like that. Why should a woman’s husband, the man she’s supposed to want sexually above all others——be needing sex so bad and her not only not care, but get pissed he’s trying to get something she should already by starving to give?

Do they know there are women that meet their husband at the door when he’s been away for a few days, wearing nothing but a smile?
Or are waiting in bed naked?
Or rip his clothes off like an animal the moment he walks in the door?

These women that “give their husband some sex” once in a while……. If men on average weren’t so wussyfied, this type of wife would not be so comfortable in their disdain for their husbands.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t understand a woman like that. Why should a woman’s husband, the man she’s supposed to want sexually above all others——be needing sex so bad and her not only not care, but get pissed he’s trying to get something she should already by starving to give?
> 
> Do they know there are women that meet their husband at the door when he’s been away for a few days, wearing nothing but a smile?
> Or are waiting in bed naked?
> ...


What pissed me off is her saying each time she thought I had an ulterior motive. I did twice in 30 years. Other times? Just to brighten her day.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you plan to stay married to her?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Longtime Hubby said:


> What pissed me off is her saying each time she thought I had an ulterior motive. I did twice in 30 years. Other times? Just to brighten her day.


yeah, sounds familiar... When I read these stories, it's very clear to me that the wife doesn't want sex with her husband anymore and probably just puts up with him, which is fine. But please: instead of pretending, for whatever reason, just be honest. Inform the husband so he can take his own decisions, without being "played" all the time. It's pretty humiliating.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> Do you plan to stay married to her?


Not sure


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

* 19rcrouse67 *

I learned a long time ago - healthy women like sex as much as a horny sailor. 
However they have rules that must be followed before the fun starts.

Sailors (and many non-sailors?) - no rules other than 'if it moves pounce on it"

Have you done any work or done any thinking on what may be going on in her mind?

In more than a couple dozen girlfriends (when I was much younger) only ONE did not agree/like
oral. Better yet - the best girlfriends ASKED for it!

Your story makes me think you are leaving out some details or something is not quite right
with your spouse. 

Also, toys - my "normal" partners enjoyed toys also. It is a gift women have. They can do
several orgasms in short order before the timeout begins. Most guys? Once and hour when 
really young. Over 50 - once a day if you are lucky!
(your mileage may vary)

Most everyone with whom I have had a conversation about orgasm have noted they would never
turn down an opportunity - unless someone is working on them for 3 or more per hour!

Some pieces of this puzzle missing or ???

Side note: I was a USN 'sailor' for 6 years (or more, I forget)


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You have to know she fully and wholly knows what she's doing and how it affects your relationship. 
She's just sitting back and watching the movie.


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