# Just need a little help........ please



## sportbikemike1977 (Sep 24, 2011)

Well here goes. Quick rundown, my wife and I met in high school, dated on and off a few times, dated later on and got married. We've been married for 10 yeas and now she is done. For the past 2 years she has been a stay at home mom and I have been the only source of income. It was a decision that we both came to because of the cost of childcare.  Now she feels trapped and she said she wants "herself" back. I have no problem with her finding herself but she has gone from a 33 year old woman to a 15 year old girl. She has gone out the past 3 Saturday nights and not come home until 3 or 4 in the morning. I have been sleeping on the couch waiting for her and wake up when the door closes but she tip toes up to bed without as much as letting me know she's home and OK. I don't consider myself an over protective person, I just think that would be nice to tell someone who you clearly know is worried. She deletes her history whenever she is on he internet, texts all the time, makes calls at midnight and later and hides everything from me. Then when I ask her about her nights out she clams up and doesn't say a word. To top it all off she has not worn her wedding ring for about 3 months. I am truely up a creek here. I asked her to give me until December 1 to see if we can work it out but the time is ticking and I feel as though I'm losing every chance. We do have 2 beautiful boys, 5 and 2 and this will kill me if this goes through and she takes them from me. We tried counciling but that didn't seem to work, it was more like a *****fest about what I do wrong and how I don't support her. I work 6 days a week and do everything for her and my boys but I don't support her? We went to Disney World, I bought her a new truck, made all the mortgage payments and still did all the family thing like hike, coaching football, made every soccer game, back to school night, etc. I'm not looking for a pat on the back but come on! Well that is that and if anyone wants to reply I will be checking in all night because I'm home again while she is out. Oh, and she's only talking to her friends who are either divorced, just broke up with someone or ar
e not in a relationship for relationship help.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This is not unlike something I went trough 25 years ago. She is trying to recapture her youth. My did the same thing. What worked for me may not work for you IDK. My w is a strong willed woman. You can't drive her to anything. She has to come to the conclusion on her own for it to work. Everyone is different.

We had really rough times and she knew how I felt about it but ultimately I had to let her decide what she really wanted long term. It hurt me like I have never been hurt in my life but I sucked it up and let it play out. 

One day she came to herself and said "what the hell am I doing" and that was the end of it. She asked me to sit down and talk. She told me about her sudden epiphany and how sorry she was that she had put me through that. It was obvious that it was heartfelt. I asked a lot of questions and she gave me an honest answer to every one I asked. 

She has never gone back to anything like that. We have now been married for 34 years and the last 25 have been magic.

I hope the best for you my friend!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

You may wish to install a keylogger on the pc. Maybe a couple of VARs in the car and in the house for when you are not home. If you find that she is cheating it will save you the time and effort between now and dec.


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## sportbikemike1977 (Sep 24, 2011)

Thanks for the replies guys. Well it is going to be hard. Last night or should I say this morning she came stumbling in at 4 am. Her friend walked her in and i helped her to bed. I took the kids out shopping and miniture golfing to get out of the house so she could sleep it off. I got her tylenol, water, gatorade, a bucket, everything she asked for. I held her hair back while she puked her brains out and all for not. When I came home and made dinner she had the balls to say to me, " I hope you liked you day with the boys cause soon enough you'll be taking them places without me. WTF? I love her and made a promise but the words are as sharp as any sword.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now that you have rewarded her for her bad and inaproprieate behavior, whats next?
Her comment with regards to the kids is in it self a meeting of her fantasy life and her real life.


You have brought the two lifes colliding, a meeting which she is pissed. Face it in her fantasy land she would not have to face the reality that she has this responseablity (the kids ) you just brought this to light ande she's mad.

You gave her a taste of the reality of what is to come if she continues ......well played sir!!!

She is screwing you , so are ready to play hard ball, a true and tested program that will bring your cheating wife around?
There are many here at TAM that can help you give her a even bigger taste of reality if she chooses to continue.

Last question, are you ready to give up this marraige? Yes or no, the answer will either empower you or empower her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing is she labeling you as controlling? I bet she is.

Has she given you the " I can have my own friends" or "you can't tell me who I can hang out with"????


keep posting and read "coping with infidelity" 

there is much to learn here, and a sh~t load of ammo that can help you fight this women who wants to be a teenager.

trust me when I tell you that tough love and bringing down the reality of what it will be like when you move on if she continues is all here at TAM. A proven plan that will get the both of you back on trck if she wants....if she doesn't then you just have to let them go.

She is in a fog and stop holding her hair back. You anable her to continue , when you should be making her lifestyle as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Be lieve it or not you took th efirst step in taking the kids out with out her, do not appoligize, but let her know that it will be a patern that she will need to get used to if she continues.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

She's totally cheating on you. Stop protecting her and start protecting you.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

sportbikemike1977 said:


> Thanks for the replies guys. Well it is going to be hard. Last night or should I say this morning she came stumbling in at 4 am. Her friend walked her in and i helped her to bed. I took the kids out shopping and miniture golfing to get out of the house so she could sleep it off. I got her tylenol, water, gatorade, a bucket, everything she asked for. I held her hair back while she puked her brains out and all for not. When I came home and made dinner she had the balls to say to me, " I hope you liked you day with the boys cause soon enough you'll be taking them places without me. WTF? I love her and made a promise but the words are as sharp as any sword.


Yep that last line is the deal breaker. Move on time here. REad this thread. It will give you insight as to what you will face and how to handle it.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ls-lot-sex-life-has-stalled-worried-help.html


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Hey man, that sounds really tough. I agree with others you probably need to give some tough love and show her the door. If she comes to her senses and realizes she doesn't really want to lose her kids, then you might have a chance to work it out.

I would suggest you do some reading about women's emotional needs...if interested I can give you some titles from Christian marriage counseling books. It's great that you're a steady, dependable earner, but it just isn't enough for every woman. If the knowledge doesn't help in this relationship, it might help somewhere down the line.

Good luck dude....


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## sportbikemike1977 (Sep 24, 2011)

Well, came home today to a bomb. Asked how she was feeling and I got in return' "F you, why do you always think I'm in a bad mood"? Now I was only asking because she was sleeping all day yesturday and I though she would be hung over with a headache. Guess I'm the fool for caring. So the we started talking while she was on the computer watching clips of the "Notebook" on YouTube. My yongest son was ballng his eyes out and I said "Quinn, mommy is to busy to pay attention to you, the computer is more important". Then I picked him up and he stopped crying. So we started to try and talk and she said her friend stopped over and was talking. This is her only friend that is on my side and my wife has distanced herself from her. She said the way she treats me us nit fair to me. My wife got pissed, imagine that. So she started talking about getting a job and I said that was great, she needs to get out into the world again. She then said well that way I can get a divorce from you. Wow! I proceeded to tell her that she takes me for granted and all the thing I give her to help her live the life she now hates; internet, television, cell phone, gas for the car, car to drive,house to live in, fuel for hot water, a/c, heat, etc. Well she got pissed. Then she brought up the "allimony" crap. "Well, they will make you pay for all of that". Yeah right, like Chris Rock said "I not saying he (OJ) should have killed her, but I understand". My co-workers roommate is moving out soon and I think if I moved in with him it would chap her ass beyond belief. I, am seriously thinking about opening my own bank account and starting to direct deposit my checks in there. I'll have them deposit $300 a week into her account and tell her that is her allimony, enough to pay for the mortgage. Good luck with that *****! PFTGuy I would like to hear about some of that literature you are talking about. Since you seem to be religious I have to say this. I went to catholic school when I was younger and hated it. So I later distanced myself from all forms of religion. She I religious and we thought that our love would be enough, nice try. I went to church for about 2 years but then stopped going, we went together but she thinks the only reason I went was to get her and she feeld I lied to here. I told her I would go back with her but she hates the idea. She said I made her stop going but she is crazy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

DON'T leave the house. Don't leave the kids there with her. You have to stay.

I hate to say this, but you are done. Open your own bank account and make an appointment with an attorney.

Alimony is likely - but will be temporary.

WATCH what you say to the kids. Don't paint her to be "bad" - just be the best parent you can be. They NEED you. They KNOW Mommy is too invested in the computer. You verifying this will only hurt and confuse them further.

When she says things about divorce - wish her the best of luck and keep moving. Arguing is pointless.

You could go to the Men's Clubhouse and read about Niceguys and such. You may also try marriagebuilders.com.

The key is to focus on YOU. If you do this, you might scare her and she might fight to get you back. If she keeps regressing - then you'll be strong enough and ready to end it.

Good luck - but know that you are in a tough, tough position that will only get worse if you react with emotion.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get used to this kind of treatment.
When she is with other men it makes her feel less guilty by rewriting the marital history.
In her mind she wants to believe that you beat and torture her, this making it easier to justify her cheating.

The quick temper and bad additude is just another way to justify her unhealthy choice. As long as there is another man you will always look like the bad guy and you marriage was a failure since day one. I know this is not the reality,but right now your W is twisted.

The more she goes out the deeper the influence the other man will have. He will continue to reenforce the " bad marriage" and "if I was with you I wouldn't treat you like this" all of this is a script.

Many here at TAM see it time and again so please listen and quitely investigate who your wife has become and with whom.

Don't ask her she will lie and again make you out to be the bad guy.

Investigate this "new behavior" and find the evidence that will blow this unhealthy behavior out of the water. Proof that is undenialable.
Proof that she must face and acknoledge.

This proof may not change her mind, but this proof will prevent her from rewriting history to family and friends when the need comes to expose her unhealthy choices.

Trust me when I tell there are to many red flags here and it won't be hard to validate her reasons for why she is behaving this way. Just keep it on the down low, as long as she has no suspicion that you think there is OM then she will not go deeper underground.

Even if the marriage is over there are reasons to investigate, gather proof, confront, and expose. All of this will come in handy later down the road. trust *us*(TAM)


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Regardless of how you feel, your W doesn't care. You have to focus on you and your kids. 

You are in a bad spot. You work 6 days a week, your W is a SAHM. It doesn't matter that you kill yourself providing for your kids and W. Disney, truck, all of that is meaningless. If you divorce her now, she gets the kids, you get to see them 2 days every other week, and on top of that you have to pay child support and alimony. Not pretty, but it is what it is.

If you want to be a meaningful part of your kids lives, this is what you should do:
- don't engage her, don't force divorce now. Don't mention divorce. Be the nice guy. Encourage her to go out, and leave the kids with you. 
- DO NOT move out. Stay in your house. No matter how bad things are. No matter how disrespectful she may be. 
- Encourage her to get a job. 
- Be a super-dad, and spend lots of time with your kids. 
- If you can, put money aside, so she doesn't drain your shared accounts and leave you penniless.


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