# Not Sure How to feel....



## Meli2073 (Sep 18, 2020)

My husband and I have been together 14 years officially married for 6. There has always been emotional and verbal abuse especially in the beginning and still very present recently just not as regular. I am done and could not take anymore stood up for myself and went for a divorce. First thing he did was get on a dating site and start seeing women and we haven’t even had our initial conference yet. Why am I so mad i asked for the divorce? My son also says it’s my fault but how do I talk to him without bashing his dad?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It ain’t bashing if it’s objective truth.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It’s important for your son to see that there is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. 

You teach by example and show him how relationships are by how you live. 

If you accept your husband’s abuse, you teach your son that abuse and treating his partner badly is expected and acceptable. 

If you divorce, you show him that behavior is acceptable and that there are consequences to bad behavior.

All kids are ego-centric and want the world to revolve around them. He may be upset now because his normal, daily life has been disrupted. 

In time he will see what an arse his father is and will understand.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Meli2073 said:


> I am done and could not take anymore stood up for myself and went for a divorce. First thing he did was get on a dating site and start seeing women and we haven’t even had our initial conference yet. Why am I so mad i asked for the divorce?


Are you actually angry at yourself for divorcing or are you disgusted at him and somewhat disgusted at yourself for staying so long??

The fact he is already out cat’n around shows he was not invested in the marriage and is further evidence he is not relationship material and further shows you are doing the right thing.


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## Meli2073 (Sep 18, 2020)

Really appreciate the feedback. I had a talk with my son this morning after reading your reply and it gave me more confidence and a strong approach. My son listened and said OK and gave me a hug but of course quickly decided he was done talking about it but at least he listened. There’s a lot of emotions right now anger sadness scared frustrated the range goes on and on. It’s a valid point about being disgusted with the situation and the women and with myself for staying so long. Really gives me something to think about


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Setting the example for your son that you do not stay in this situation is absolutely the healthiest and best thing you can do for him long term.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

How old is your son? 

Having been a child of a broken marriage, I strongly recommend you not to try to win your son over to "your side". It will rebound against you if you do.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Meli2073 said:


> My husband and I have been together 14 years officially married for 6. There has always been emotional and verbal abuse especially in the beginning and still very present recently just not as regular. I am done and could not take anymore stood up for myself and went for a divorce. First thing he did was get on a dating site and start seeing women and we haven’t even had our initial conference yet. Why am I so mad i asked for the divorce? My son also says it’s my fault but how do I talk to him without bashing his dad?


It's very common for men...and women...to jump right into the dating pool after a separation/divorce. The "grass is greener" line of thinking. It's also a terrible mistake because everyone needs time to heal and learn from their mistakes. Explains why the divorce rate goes a lot higher after every re-marriage. Don't let that upset you. Remember he was abusive to you. Deep down you probably want him to be the man he used to be....want you, fight for you....but he's doing the opposite. Yeah that hurts, but screw him....he's a bad guy and you can and will do better. He's going to be a statistic in the dating/re-marriage world. Mark my word. 

How old is your son? As hard as it is, NEVER bad mouth the other parent to your child. It will only screw the kid up. When your son gets older and can better understand people and relationships, then have a talk with him and set the record straight. But I'd be willing to bet as he gets older, he's going to figure it out for himself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Meli2073 I think you also have to see it from your sons point of view. Your AND your husband are still his parents, it is all he has ever known. Breaking up a family is never easy and although you are probably the one that suffered the most abuse to your son it is the ending of what he is familiar with. You need to be honest with him but also give him time to understand and come to terms with what is happening.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Keep being open and honest with your son about what’s going on. Idk how old he is but if the school has a counseler he may want to talk with them.
How far have you got with the separation/divorce so far?


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## flowerpower1212 (Jul 15, 2020)

Meli2073 said:


> My husband and I have been together 14 years officially married for 6. There has always been emotional and verbal abuse especially in the beginning and still very present recently just not as regular. I am done and could not take anymore stood up for myself and went for a divorce. First thing he did was get on a dating site and start seeing women and we haven’t even had our initial conference yet. Why am I so mad i asked for the divorce? My son also says it’s my fault but how do I talk to him without bashing his dad?


It sucks trying to explain the reasons why of a divorce to your children. It will take time but your son will get over it and eventually see that you are much happier as a single parent than with his dad and be happy for you. You will feel guilty but guilt is completely normal. I had a similar situation as yours, my ex husband was very abusive. Anytime my son would ask questions I would try not to bash his father but just explain that we were both much better off as separate individuals than we were together. If you need anyone to talk to im just a chat away.


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