# wife problems



## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

i am a deployed soldier and i love my wife more than any thing in the world, besides our children. i have alot of problems within my marriage. i didnt know there was any thing wrong in my marriage till about 2 months ago. i found out my wife was texting my neighbors 22 yr old brother i asked her to stop and alot has happened since then. i cam home on leave for 2 weeks and ended up putting this dude through the wall. even longer story. needless to say my wife tells me that she is confused and doesnt know weather she wants to continue on with our marriage or if she just wants to be alone we lived in north carolina and my home state is missouri since my leave i have relocated her back to missouri and she told me she would stop talking to the neighbors. well i found out she is still talking to him and she told me that she told him she loved him but she tells me she isnt in love with him. im so lost and i dont know what to do. i am seriously alone. we have recently seperated not legally but it was decide we werent going to talk so she could see if she would miss me. does any one have any advice or care to chat with me i just need some one to talk to. it is un manly for me to cry but thats all i can seem to do any one?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Sorry to hear this.

How long have you been married? How old are you, your wife and children?


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

we have been together for 9 years and married for 4. Im 25 my wife is 24, i have a 3 year old princess and a 5 year old spiderman lol. i just need some one to chat with, i use to look to her for that and thats all i know she made all of my days better when we werent fighting and now she doesnt even want to talk to me any more. im sick to my stomach all the time i have no appetite and i cant sleep all i do is just think about all of this and it is just a constant hurt. im looking for some one to help me clear my mind or atleast occupy it not looking for a connection thats not it just want some one to try to help me get over all of this may give some advice and help curve the urge to want to call her all the time. she is staying with her mom so when i i want to talk to the kids i just call her phone so i dont even have to hear her voice. i would appreciate it very much.


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

and sorry if my responses are slow im in kuwait and the internet isnt very good its up and down constantly


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Was this a physical relationship with the other man or was it emotional/texting type of relationship (Both are bad). What drove you to put this guy through a wall?


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## janiliya (Nov 8, 2012)

jelkins said:


> and sorry if my responses are slow im in kuwait and the internet isnt very good its up and down constantly


Is it possible that your wife is speaking outside rather than with you because you are unavailable for her talks - I do not mean physically but may be emotionally. Do you 2 talk often and are the conversations meaningful with both of you giving each other time and responding emotionally to the other? Or are most of your talk limited to logistical matters with may be either of you uninterested? I suggest you make the first move, break the silence and talk to your wife and find out what the issues are rather than just ask her to stay away. Since you people are physically apart, make sure that you make her feel secure and be there for her emotional needs.

Hope this helps. I am myself going through a bad marriage and divorce so I can understand how difficult it must be for you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

First, thank you for your service and make sure you come home safe. It's a tough situation to keep a marriage from so far away. 

Second, here is a list of rules that you should do, they allow you to cope with your situation. Follow them!!! 180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Do not beg or implore her to come back to you. It will only make you look weak. You need to look strong. She needs to know you're not a just a pay check and you're ready to move on and she can get her little boy toy to support her. 

Have you exposed the affair to family and friends?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree this is very tough for you.

While I hope she will come back to you, I think you should think about the possibility that she will not, in which case you will want to be clear that you get the access to your children that you want. have you looked into that ?


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

me and my wife would talk in the morning and night for about 30 min to an hour we have had the emotional talks the silence is cause she says that i get under her skin and she feels no connection to me. she says she is confused she has feelings for this guy but she doesnt want to be with any one. but she wanted to not talk for a week or longer to see if she can even miss me i dont think she will


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Let her go. She's gone. Do the 180 for you and your kids. 

You were both too young. There should be a law against high school sweethearts marrying.


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

MRK i appreciate your help but im looking for more support than just leave her. im sorry to tell you we are more than just high school sweethearts. and im not going to nor willing to let go that easy. as for me putting him through the wall.. well im going to say and i do know my wife so im not looking for negativity! we were all partying drinking it was a weekend. me and my wife got into an argument and fought basically all night. she told me she was done and didnt want to be with me i was controlling her i had left her alone and the rest is fuzy cause i was drunk too. so about 4am i drove off and slept in the car infront of a friends house till bout 630 woke up and drove home i just wanted things to cool off a little. when i came back home no one was there so i went next door and looked around and went up stairs to dudes room where i found my children sleeping in bed and my wife laying in bed ( drunk) fully clothed and holding her was dude but he was in his underwar. so now before you jump to conclusion. i know my wife and i know that she did nothing with him and have no reason to believe so. he is taking advantage of our situation an trying to move in on her. so he got woke up to knuckles up side his head i then grabbed his foot and dragged him out of bed where we both started the squabble and then he met the wall so thats where that went. she ended leaving with me my son had a soccor game at 830 in the morning so we both went not talking at all after the game we went home and had a talk. we decided to go back to missouri and leave that all behind. and now thats where she sits at her moms house.
so we still argue and fight while she is there. i just recently found out she had a secret email account and was messaging him there.... she says she is confused and doesnt know why she feels she needs to talk to him and doesnt know why she wants to talk to him but she says she doesnt want to be with him even though she knows that he wants to be with her. he tells her he loves her and all of that seen the text messages. im just not sure what to do or how to feel i am an emotional rollercoaster and its up and down at times i feel that i can just leave and then the next moment i feel that i just cant do it. i do love my wife we were best friends and i know the military has alot to do with this. i have left her alone too long this is my second deployment and all together with training it will be a total of 2 1/2 years out of 4 we have been together but were are almost at our 9 year relationship mark. any one have any good solid advice. i cant go not talking to her as i dont have many friends here to talk to and family isn reliable nor ppl i want to talk to. im signal now but i dont mesh well with these people and thats why its hard for me to make friends im not a nerd like the lot of em. but she was really the only person that helped me get through this. she still sends me pics of her in her panties and stuff and she is just throwing mixed signals to me. she said she would stop talking to him but she wont gime me the secret email account and password. i just dont know what to do she is making me confused. im sick all the time stressed to the max and i have lost 27lbs in 2 monts im not a big guy either i weighed 164 when i got here now i weigh 137 food just makes me sick.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Is there some kind of counceling for soldiers and people in service and their families? This seems to be a common theme with people who are deployed for months at a time. I really do feel bad for you guys. 

And thank you for your service. You are a hero.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

jelkins, it's hard to do anything from where you are. 

You need to tell her you can't stop her but if she continues to communicate with him she is killing the marriage and destroying the family. 

As Day Dream said you need to ask for counseling or get to the Chaplin. 

Did you read the 180 list? Do you understand how it will help your emotions?


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

im tired of talking to the people i work with and see on an every day basis. i have talked to every on in my whole chain of command basically Batallion commander and down know whats going on. i havent read the 180 rules im about to go to WLC on sunday for the old vets it was PLDC. so i have to wait to see the counselor.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

jelkins, 

You're the only person who can help you. That's what the 180 is about, you helping yourself cope. Read it, live it. 

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

Good luck and be well.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> i know my wife and i know that she did nothing with him and* have no reason to believe so.*


O really?



> holding her was dude but he was in his underwar


The Nile isn't just a river in Egypt.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks for your service, if it wasn't for you I would have to deal with haji on my front door.

I don't get why you are still getting pics from wife and yet you guys stopped talking?

If it was me I wouldn't want to deal with the emotional torture of looking at them, I would delete them and ask her to stop sending them, but thats just me....I'm not much into pain!

Its just that I can see that she just keeps giving you just a little bit to keep you miserable....Maybe in her mind she thinks it helps you, maybe in her mind it makes her feel less guilty by sending you pics while she messes around, maybe she send you the pics as long as you keep sending the pay check?

These mixed signal got to be killing you, so stop recieving the signals....you know what I mean?

Again I don't have a magic pill that will make you feel better about the appearent death of this marriage, but I can tell you how to protect your self from more pain. And that is stop engaging your self by looking at her panty pics, stop relying on her to make you happy, and work on your self and turn this around not for your marriage but for your kids. After all they are the only ones counting on you....well your wife is counting on the paycheck! (hences the mixed messages)


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## Asian (Nov 4, 2012)

I feel you my brother. Similar situation happended to me but my wife in young 30s hooking up with 21 years old.... She said she did not have sex but I caught her hiding her dirty thong after her night out with her FRIENDS!!! Try to kiss her that night and she refused....who know what she had in her mouth that night.
My wife's OM is from her work but we both agreed that she should quit her Job than she did.

Still have hard time dealing with it so you are not the only one.
How much do you love her? Im still with her dealing with it even it hurts my soul but Im here with her because I want and I love her enough to accept her again if she is willing to change.
I also have multiple kids so I understand it make ur discion even make it hard.

She send you sexy pics that means she still want to keep you close under her control.. My wife does that to " is my ass look fat?" showing me her ass with her thong on and when I try to make move on her she just rejects me....driving me nuts....
Got to ask your self what you want in your life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

i know im the ultimate decision maker here but it seems like she gets me on the believing end its very back and forth with us. like today she tells me that she wants to move on with me and promises on our children that you will cut all contact with him. she does not and will not give me the info for her secret email and she will not tell him infront of me either. but promises that its done. and she is ready to move on if i can move on with out the email. i asked her what is the big issue with the email and she says thats not letting go and all im going to do is keep checking the email but she is wrong im gonna delete that **** but idk. i read the 180 thing and im not sure if i can do it i dont want to grow cold on her and just end up leaving for good. i do really love her. and when i said my vows i meant all of it and from where i stand we arent dead yet. we will see what happens i guess. im getting to this point where it just pisses me off more than anything. now i find out she has called him with some one in her familys phone.. F...!!!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Have you triad to talk to the.douchbag's parents?
Have exposed her?

This is hard to understand in your situation. At least it was for me in my case. Try to stop negotieate whit her. It never works.

It only seem's to empower them.like some how they realise they hold the power. Think about this. If she was serious with Mr douch
Dont you think she would have allready left?


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

lol Mr Dbag lives with his sister and brother-inlaw and yes my wife was really good friends with his sister which helped kick this off.
so as of now she gave me the email address and password so we are going to see where it goes from here she seems compassionate more so than she has and i have talked to him again and told him the same thing but we agreed that she will not have contact with him and we will be civil to eachother enough so to work on things she wants to work on our marriage. there is alot that i dont know and alot i will never know but thats the guilt she will have to live with. she just got a job in missouri over a thousand miles away unless she plans on making money and dipping out wich i highly doubt will happen i think that its good for her she hasnt worked in 4 years so this could be a better outlet for her. she has been with our children every day for 4 years with hardly any breaks and with me deployed and all the training i do to get her away from the day to day life. so i hope this takes alot off her shoulders. there is alot of things we need to work on together and individually for me as soon as i get back from school im going to start anger managment and combat stress relief class and counseling and hope to better my self with or with out her. i know now what alot of my faults are and i know i didnt help the situation any but i know its not my fault but maybe just a part of the reason. i too have been this situation in our relationship but never ever even got close to this with it. my realizations got to me before any connection was made. but she knows about it. idk... but we will just see how this plays out i know this is my last deployment i leave here in may and i think it will help alot after we move yet again to my new duty station and spend some time together if not then that time will be spent just planning our divorce together on mutual terms if we decide it isnt going to work so a little under 6 months i will be home and i hope we are still civil by then. i will keep you all posted for those of you with faith please pray for me and my family these are for sure going to be some trying times and those who dont have faith just hope for me. i want this to work and all i can do is hope she is on board but in the mean time i will prep myself for the worst. she is still here and still in my life
thanks again every one


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

and contact with him means any one who is a mutual friend of the family or in the area of concern so the contact will be cut off completely


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Jelkins, first I want to thank you for your service. I too spent a little time in Kuwait, ugliest country on the face of this planet. They have to been fighting for what is under the ground, because there isn’t anything on top. As for the varmint that took advantage of the situation with your wife, he needs to be horse whipped, let alone thrown through a wall. 
Military life is hard on soldiers and even harder on their spouses. There is no way for the school girl from Missouri to become a wife and mother, move to Ft Bragg and be ready for the separation of military life. Few people can deal with this kind of life. 
Still she now has too put on her big girl pants; she is no longer a school girl and has some decisions to make in life. The only reason to keep a SECRET email account is to keep SECRETS. You need to have a serious discussion with her about what you want to do. This bum has never done anything with his life and has convinced her of a fairytale. Right now she can’t see beyond the rose pedals and unicorns, but they aren’t real. He couldn’t even support himself let alone a wife and family. She needs to be reminded of this in no unspoken terms.
Finally you two need to decide how to proceed forward. There is nothing that has happened, that can’t be fixed, but you need to look at a precise plan for the future. Do you stay in the military? Does she get a job? What do you do if you are deployed in the future? What about overseas assignments? 
In the meantime you need to concentrate your efforts on yourself and making yourself a better husband for your current or future wife. You have to eat better and PT can be a good thing to relieve stress. Keep contact with your wife, but turn the focus from your problems to the children life on the home front. If you want to address the future, do it in email, but you must keep it constructive. Boundaries must be set, but retribution is not fruitful. When times get tough, remember Spiderman and the Princess, you mean the world to them. PM me if you need to chat.


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

The 180 is good for a new situation. The list reads agressively. It should not be implimented like that. You can be "normal" abou her. You are not trying to hurt her. You are not trying to even demonstrate anything to her. You are dong all of this for you. She will see it even if she doesnt see you. Any effort by you to show her the 180 or make her see it early will ruin the process for you and her.
My situation is way too late for 180.
Id like your opinions
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/61513-need-woman-explain-me.html#post1233353


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

vfw im assuming your a vet and by the way you compose your msg i would like to say im right so thank you for coming here before i did. now on with the wife we are talking about proceeding this relationship, she now has a job and yes 2014 i do plan on getting out of the army. i not too sure what worked for me if it was the fight she got into with her sisters telling her she was a ****ty person for what she is doing to me or if it was the fact i added my ex from childhood that she absolutely hates that finally made her realize that she had feelings and maybe she got jealous of that and made her think about it? idk but what ever it was it worked for now and i have high hopes for our future and the changes we are making with our relationship. thank you all for the support again. i will keep you all posted as much as i can im about to go to school on the otherside of this desert and VFW if you were in the army then you will know i just made my 5 and they are sending me to WLC (PLDC) so i will be gone for a few weeks not sure what the internet is like there but we will see


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## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

Problem with cheating is you need absolute contrition, truth and intent to solve from the guilty party. You also ned to address any reasons she may have been vulnerable to wandering in case you werent being all you were expected to be for her and not trying. Hard to work without cooperation and truth and the truth can be hard to take. I am entering counseling next week for first time after being 3 years split from what had been a seven year relationship with two children. A lot has come out recently from both of us. We are far from home and dry but this verbal hurt had to replace the silence of out time appart to give us any hope. I am terrified. This may be a beginning or the final end. I want it to work and would appreciate your opinions negative and positive.
here it is http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...506-will-counseling-end-all-hope-me-help.html


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jelkins, here's a reality check... 

Your wife is telling you that you're too controlling. Based on that and the way you jumped to physical violence with other guy, I'm thinking you have an anger control problem that is driving your wife away from you. The other man isn't the cause of your problems or your wife's... he's the escape valve she has turned to BECAUSE she's not happy with you. 

If you want to save your relationship, get into counseling for your anger issues, learn appropriate boundaries, and demonstrate that you can be the guy who acts in a loving way even when he doesn't agree with his loved ones.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Yes Jelkins, I spent 20 yrs, 3 days and 10 hrs in the US Army, not that I was counting. You have done well in your career and I congratulate you. All of the deployments over the last 10 years have taken its toll on many a family, though I pray that yours will survive. There are many on here that can recommend reading for you to help you (OK folks chime in and help this soldier out here). 

The biggest thing that I have learned in any relationship is that the relationship has to mean more to you than your own self desires. Many Army wives feel neglected with the time we spend away from home and some Barney slims his way in to your relationship. She needs know her communication with him, even if it is not physical is disrespectful of you and hurts the relationship. Thx for keeping us posted and on your upcoming training....Hooah!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

VFW said:


> Yes Jelkins, I spent 20 yrs, 3 days and 10 hrs in the US Army, not that I was counting. You have done well in your career and I congratulate you. All of the deployments over the last 10 years have taken its toll on many a family, though I pray that yours will survive. There are many on here that can recommend reading for you to help you (OK folks chime in and help this soldier out here).
> 
> The biggest thing that I have learned in any relationship is that the relationship has to mean more to you than your own self desires. Many Army wives feel neglected with the time we spend away from home and some Barney slims his way in to your relationship. She needs know her communication with him, even if it is not physical is disrespectful of you and hurts the relationship. Thx for keeping us posted and on your upcoming training....Hooah!


She knows. Every military wife knows better. Been on both sides of it - wife of military AND soldier (though never deployed). Everyone in and around the military knows that there are two camps - the faithful and the unfaithful. Some aren't strong and loyal enough to stay faithful, but they do *know* when they're crossing the line.


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

thanks again for your prior service VFW. and she is aware that she has made alot of mistakes but we have talked about the mistakes that we both have made to get our relationship to this point she already considers herself as a **** bag military wife, but it was just a slip up so i chose to forgive her. we are on a good track and progression is going good we havent fought but maybe a little spat since we decided to move forward with our relationship and everything is great so i hope it stays that way and we become stronger as a couple in our relationship. i would say that we had a big problem with our communication but together we are going to work on how to express our feelings concerns and problems to each other and be more open to eachothers feelings so we will see. there is a list of other things that we need to work on too thats just the main one for now.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Well it sounds you are on target for now, I wish you and your family all the best. I know that you are committed to make this work. There is not much you can't fix IF both of you are willing to work for the common good. Good luck in your upcoming training and God speed.


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

thanks VFW i appreciate it im doing my best and thats all i can do if its not right then its not right there isnt anything i can do bout it but i can say i tried and made to effort. and thanks im doing good so far i have confidence i will do good here


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## jelkins (Nov 18, 2012)

just an update.... things are still rough but im hanging on. I have 4 months and 19 days left in this place and i hope i can hold on long enough to make it home to my family. its bout time for me to back up and see where it goes they say the heart grows fonder with absence and maybe too much communication between us isnt helping this will either go one of two ways she will miss me or she wont in either case im as prepaired as im going to get but how prepaird can any one get for a divorce any way. im not sure how things are going to turn out but i guess we will see


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