# Need advice - should I leave



## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

my husband and i have been married almost 5 and together for 10. we have one child who is 2. i am a stay at home mom since she has been born. things have always been somewhat rocky between us, and I have found myself to become increasingly angry over the years which I never was before I was with him. When we were first together, I came home to find him in bed with someone else. We broke up several times but we always got back together. The last time we broke up, my (ex) best friend moved in with him. about 5 months later, we got back together. Why? sometimes i ask myself that question too. Theres no doubt in my mind that I do love him, but trust issues have plagued our relationship very badly. My husband sometimes goes out until the early morning hours and does not answer his phone which prompts me to think the unevitable. Anyway, since having a child there are so many things that Ive noticed we do not agree on. We do not agree on parenting skills, such as how to discipline the child. He thinks "everything has to be your way" and that really hurts. I am just trying to do whats best for our child, since I am with her 85% of the time alone (my husbands job causes him to be away for days). Certain things that never bugged me before now do. There is definitely a lack of communication, connection and intimacy. He doesn't usually pick up slack in the house when it comes to doing chores. Sometimes he does but needs to be told and then when he is told he gets mad. He becomes very defensive when I try to tell him that i need help. I suffered from exhaustion after our baby was born and needed naps once in a while but he always thinks his sleep is more important than mine. Its like pulling teeth trying to get him to tend our child sometimes because he has work to do...We have a very high needs toddler who just wears me out, sometimes i need a break! I know this message is all over the place but I am trying to say it as it comes to me. Basically here is the deal... I feel like I am not respected. I feel like there is no connection and my resentment toward him makes the connection impossible to find. With no connection there is no intimacy therefore our sex life has suffered although there still is one. I feel like a lot of the times I am talking to a child when i talk to him. He doesnt listen when I speak to him because he is so engrossed in his phone and whatever he is reading and then wonders why I get mad at him. I feel like I am lonely when I am sitting right next to him. I have suggested marriage counselling and he said no. I dont want to leave him I want to fix this but really I have tried and dont know what else to do. I feel like my anger and resentment toward him has made me put a guard up around me and I wont let him in because Ive been hurt so many times. He has never been abusive. But Im at a loss. I feel like I would rather do it alone than do it with him alone, if you know what i mean. Anyone have any good advice?


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

Thank you for your reply, made me see things in a different light. If I think that he is part of the problem as well, will counseling for just myself even help? i truly think our marriage is suffering and I dont want our child to suffer from it, though i know that divorce will be hard as well.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Your story sounds somewhat like mine, although I'm on the other side of it (being the man in the relationship). My child was one that didn't sleep at night, and it caused huge problems between my wife and I. For me, I DID feel like my sleep was more important than my wife's, for a couple of different reasons-
1. If I can't sleep, I can't work. If I can't work, eventually I'll lose my job and that would leave the family in an impossible situation.
2. The baby would take naps throughout the day, which gave my wife an opportunity to sleep, where I had to work.

Also, we had the problem of my wife wanting to make all of the decisions concerning the child's care, discipline, upbringing, etc...
This also caused huge problems between us, because truthfully just because she was a stay at home mom didn't magically make her a great decision maker in my mind. In my relationship, in the past my wife had always deferred to me in decision making, yet here she was trying to strangle away just about ALL of this power from me, and the object of those decisions (our child) was the most important thing in our marriage. For the record, I felt then (as I feel now), that my wife was wrong about a lot of the ways she wanted to handle the upbringing of our child, and her reasoning behind wanting to do certain things was seriously flawed in my mind.

Another one of the problems we had was something you alluded to in your post. My wife always 'needed a break' and felt like I needed to do more around the house. I really resented it after awhile, it seemed like she was always on the take. In my mind, she was overvaluing her contributions to the marriage and severely undervaluing mine. It was all about what she needed, what she was doing, the sacrifices she was making, and it seemed to me she had no concern about me at all. It was like she took all of the energy she formerly reserved for me and gave it 100% to our child. To me if a marriage is going to work you have to consider your spouse first and your child second.

Anyway, I don't know if this post helped at all. I think your marriage can absolutely be saved, but you need to change your perspective. Try offering support to your husband, encouragement, kind words, even special sex, and it will in turn most likely get your husband to start treating you with much more respect and honor.


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

I hear where you are coming from, and maybe that is how my husband feels as well. Our child also does not sleep and my husband gives me the same cracks, that i should be sleeping when the baby is sleeping otherwise shouldnt be complaining. but I also need to do things around the house and cook because no one else does. my husband never cooks supper, never does laundry, seldom unloads the dishwasher, never vacuums washes floors etc. I feel like just because i am a "wife" and "mother" that the household work is my job. it even got to the point that i took the garbage out every.single.time. until i got pregnant and refused. i also mowed the lawn, fixed things, put things together. where was he? he didnt care. Yes i want to make the decisions regarding raising our child because I feel he is too immature and irresponsible to do so. When he does tend, the house looks like it exploded. Diaper is so full it is dragging. Food all over the floor, there is no limit to how much this angers me. Im gone for 5 seconds and everything ive done has been undone. He gets "breaks" all the time... he goes for coffee with his buddies he goes driving around looking at stuff...while im still stuck at home doing what i do. Sometimes i need this break because i am at my breaking point...the frustrations of raising a toddler can take over your life and make you crazy. especially when you dont get any time away from said child. à
one of the things you said, try offering your husband support... you know it is hard to do that when i feel that i am not being offered any support. no acknowledgement, no compassion, no respect, no "hi how was your day"..makes me want to punch him in the face when he sits down to relax. sorry...lol


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm not present in your situation and you know it better than I do, so your mileage may vary as they say-
BUT

In my situation I really did try to be supportive of my wife, even getting up with the baby in the middle of the night probably more often than I should have. I definitively supported her with kind words, encouragement, and such. But if you asked her, I gave her no support. I think what happened in retrospect is that the responsibility of the whole thing kind of overwhelmed her, and her emotions were telling her that she should be upset with me as a blame mechanism, and no matter what I did it was explained or rationalized away (he only did that because he wanted this, or I do so much that was the least he could do, etc). I guess what I'm saying is that I would recommend you taking a close look to see if your emotions and reality are aligned or are divergent.

My wife also thought I was irresponsible...things like doing dishes, laundry, cleaning up, etc- they are not my strong suit. I'm not someone that minds clutter around the house. I don't cook, either. But in my case, it was a big mistake to consider that to mean that I was an irresponsible person. Totally untrue, and the truth is I feel I am more responsible than she is, just in different ways. It is going to cause HUGE problems in your marriage (or anyone's marriage for that matter) if you marginalize the other parent as not good enough--
ie, I am more responsible so I should be making the majority of the decisions. He is the child's father, let him be a father. Over time (a LONG time, like a couple of years), if it turns out he can't do the job, reevaluate it then, in my opinion.


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

Ok, so what is my first step? Do I spill everything now and tell him absolutely everything? Should i go for counselling first? I have tried to tell him that when he is home we are a team and that household responsibilities need to be shared, but that seldom happens. Maybe I have to realize that my expectations are too high and if i lower them I will be happier? 
My husband didnt get up through the night because I breastfeed and couldnt pump. 
One other thing that is causing problems is bed sharing....we hardly sleep together because he keeps me awake all night and I cant sleep so he sleeps in another room most times. We do sleep together but lately it has been more times than not that we have slept separately. I dont have a problem with this but im scared it will hurt our marriage as well. 
He also gives me a lot of attitude when I try to tell him that he doesnt do enough around the house it is almost as if i hurt his feelings by telling him the truth..and he gets very childish about it to the point that i feel like i am dealing with a child. 
I just dont know how to go about laying it all out and talking to him about it. We always end up in a full blown argument and he takes off. I dont know how to work on marital problems alone...I need him to want to fix things too but I dont know if we will know how. 
Does anyone understand that this situation makes it really hard to live with someone like this


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I know in my marriage there were times when my wife tried to talk to me about what she was feeling and it usually ended badly as you described. The reason for this is that my wife was totally unwilling to consider her issues, her problems, things that SHE needed to do to make things better. If that is the way that your husband is feeling, I don't think you should talk to him. BUT what I would do is try and clean up your issues first, and THEN talk to him after some time has passed...

Try this- "honey, I know I've been trying to make/most of the decisions concerning our daughter, and that was really wrong of me...I'm sorry. We are both her parents and we should be a team here. From now on I promise that won't happen again. And by the way, I never get a chance to tell you how much I like this, that, and this about you (I'm sure there is something you like about your husband, start there, even if it's small)."

Then DO it. Then after some time has passed, feel free to try and hold him more accountable for the household stuff. Just don't expect a miracle and be realistic.


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

Thank you both you've been helpful. I just want to add something. I was raised in a good family with living parents and rules where are you as he was raised in a broken family with no rules and was never really taught values or morals, and was wondering if this could be the cause of his behaviour? He does indeed have a chip on his shoulder, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even say anything and just keep pretending to be happy but it is extremely hard to do that when I'm really not. So he. You say take care of my own issues first, what exactly by that do you mean?
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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

And by living I meant loving
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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

backroad09 said:


> Thank you both you've been helpful. I just want to add something. I was raised in a good family with living parents and rules where are you as he was raised in a broken family with no rules and was never really taught values or morals, and was wondering if this could be the cause of his behaviour? He does indeed have a chip on his shoulder, sometimes I feel like I shouldn't even say anything and just keep pretending to be happy but it is extremely hard to do that when I'm really not. So he. *You say take care of my own issues first, what exactly by that do you mean?*_Posted via Mobile Device_


Where you talking to me or Zanne? Sorry if you weren't talking to me, I misunderstood. Anyway, I am not carrying water for your husband, I am sure he is not perfect. But the big issue that jumped out at me is that you feel like you should be making all of the decisions for your daughter because you are with her all the time. Forgive me if I'm a little sensitive, this is how my wife thinks--
I just don't think that is right. If he has to be away from the home to earn an income, that does not make him less of a parent and it does not mean he isn't capable of making good decisions for your daughter. Even if he is messy or shuns housework, it's not necessarily an indictment of his parenting skills. 

I think you should apologize to him for your attitude concerning this issue- just my opinion.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband was a manager of a restaurant when our kids were babies. talk about single parenthood. The man was NEVER home and when he was it was to sleep. I can only think it's a good thing early parenting usually falls to the young and energetic!

My husband, like your husband, became very defensive. But, I admit I wasn't very savvy at gaining his help. Nagging and complaining rarely work, Imagine that!

How can he feel more inclined to pitch in around the home when you've taken away his role as co-parent? If he suggests something harmful, of course ignore it. But he has a right to help decide how his children are to be raised. 

But all of that is beside the pertinent facts that your husband has emotionally checked out of the marriage and is out about town as you struggle at home. Considering his past inclination to lack fidelity, getting his help around the house is secondary to getting him to be true to his marriage vows. If he's out and not available what does that say about his commitment to you? It says he doesn't have a commitment.

Committment to his wife and child are number 1 issue. Deal with that first and ignore the rest.

His lack of help and lack of support to the overwhelming needs of a child is a common problem with men. It's not their fault because men don't see thing the way women do. What can you do for yourself to ease your burden? Can you down grade your expectations for a clean home? Can you join a play group and be with other mothers and perhaps trade off watching each others children to give each other a break?

What men do not understand is that the demands of motherhood leave a woman in an emotionally deprived state and she cannot attend to her husbands needs if her needs are not being met. 

You should read www.marriage builders.com and print out the emotional needs questionnaire, 1 for you and 1 for hubby. It will help you crystallize and prioritize your needs while giving your husband the chance to voice his needs.

Also, toddlers and clean houses....forgetabouti! Pick one or two rooms that you need to be clean and forget about the rest until your baby hits kindergarten!


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

Anon Pink - everything you said absolutely shook me to the core because it was all so relevant...as for the commitment issue, how do I go about bringing that up? he has no idea that I am still feeling betrayed so many years later from his infidelity. our relationship is completely different now than what it was back then, but I get that awful feeling when I cant get a hold of him. I shouldnt be feeling like this in a marriage. 

How do you deal with a husband that gets very defensive? when I try to talk about things with him he often says "See? Its all MY fault...nothings ever YOUR fault." I mean sure, I point out his faults, but it is because of his faults that has led me to feel this way. Faults that were either never there before or i didnt notice them before.

The clean house thing...I dont mind the toys and stuff everywhre, its the general pick up after yourself that doesnt happen at my house. On occasion, when he sees me growing frustrated with things, he will take his dirty clothes from the bathroom but generally I have to go in and pick up after him as if he is a child. Just things like that that irk me.

I didnt take away his role as a co-parent...he is still very much involved but when a baby grows into a toddler and no longer needs a bottle but the father is too lazy to get up and make food so gives a bottle...that isnt a decision he can make. That is a milestone and it is cruel to revert. 

Wilderness - I will apologize to him for my attitude that is a great idea. I was talking about you regarding what you had said about taking care of my own issues, didnt know what you meant by that. 

Zanne - thank you so much for your input. When you say you and your husband can openly discuss things, do you mean things are good between you now? Can anger and resentment prevent a marriage from ever being savd? 

Ive been walked out on so many times (most times just for the better part of a day) that I am almost numb to it now. It still hurts me but I cant let my daughter see me hurt. She is getting older now and I dont want her to catch on. I believe that my husband indeed has emotionally checked out of our marriage, but after reading that Im starting to wonder if I have as well. I agree that the emotional demands of motherhood have been truly exhausting and I have not been able to meet his emotional needs, but I dont think he has tried to meet mine either. 

It has gotten to a point that recently at times I cannot stand to be in his presence and count the minutes until he leaves again. there is a lot of tension between us, and everything he does is starting to annoy me. Just little quirks that never bothered me before. Bad habits are starting to annoy me. Is this a complete helpless case?


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## chicagocat (Jan 22, 2013)

to the op: hang in there! When babies are little, it is SO hard and it is delusional to think there is equity in the division of labor within the home. The man always feels under-appreciated as does the woman. But no scorekeeping, instead, appreciate and validate. it's painful and hard... I once actually had to keep from laughing out loud when I said all the things he wanted to hear to his face but OMG he hid not even think I was kidding. He was just like "AMEN! she gets it! I do everything around here and am deserving of like 100 blow jobs!!" One of my girlfriends taught me to just do the 1950s thing and serve up all the charm, sex and good times you can handle and make him feel like king. I really struggle with it but it does make for a happier time of things when the kids are little. You have to nourish your soul, it's hard to do when your kids are little. Don't have another baby until you feel more compassion and less anger. You both just really miss each other and what it was like to just sleep in and put your feet up... But you've got to put the past in the past. For me, :The Five languages of Love" by Gary Chapman helped and the replacing compassion with anger by Stosny, I think its even called "You don't have to take it anymore". gl but you are young and most of these issues are ego driven and will pass with maturity imo


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lemme tell ya what my husband finally admitted to last night. He thought I should love him unconditionally, which meant in his eyes, wanting him to do things differently in order to meet my needs for affection/admiration/recreation I was demanding that he change. He was insulted. All these years I've been begging for .....whatever need.... And he felt insulted that I wasn't tickled pink with him the way he was? Good God, talk about idiocy!

Imagine if your husband thinks the same way. That every time you ask for more help around the house, more time together, you are insulting him? How do you cross that bridge?

In terms of addressing the issue of his commitment to you, that is above my pay grade. I can tell you this, marriage counseling is the least effective form of therapy. I can also tell you through my own search to make my marriage work well enough to stay married, no one single philosophy or theory is going to be perfect for everyone. Over the last few years I kept going back to marriage builders ( Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice ) because that stuff seemed to go right to the heart of the matter for us. And I do recommend this site to you. 

Your husbands childhood does play a role in his ability to resolve conflict so you will need to learn to address the issues in a way that doesn't threaten him. I like all the advice you've been given by everyone and I hope you feel empowered to begin to tackle your unhappiness and make your life the kind of life you want to live.


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Lemme tell ya what my husband finally admitted to last night. He thought I should love him unconditionally, which meant in his eyes, wanting him to do things differently in order to meet my needs for affection/admiration/recreation I was demanding that he change. He was insulted. All these years I've been begging for .....whatever need.... And he felt insulted that I wasn't tickled pink with him the way he was? Good God, talk about idiocy!
> 
> Imagine if your husband thinks the same way. That every time you ask for more help around the house, more time together, you are insulting him? How do you cross that bridge?
> 
> ...


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Lemme tell ya what my husband finally admitted to last night. He thought I should love him unconditionally, which meant in his eyes, wanting him to do things differently in order to meet my needs for affection/admiration/recreation I was demanding that he change. He was insulted. All these years I've been begging for .....whatever need.... And he felt insulted that I wasn't tickled pink with him the way he was? Good God, talk about idiocy!
> 
> Imagine if your husband thinks the same way. That every time you ask for more help around the house, more time together, you are insulting him? How do you cross that bridge?
> 
> ...


I appreciate all the advice that I've been given and it is all good advice. Things can be so good fora while but then turn Completely upside down. I found out that I am expecting, and we were overjoyed but then he left last night to go out with his buddies and came home at 4am. We are having trouble with our LO not sleeping night or naps and I am exhausted beyond. I have been weepy and tend to open my mouth and say things that shouldn't be said like that he doesn't chip in enough. I feel lonely a d alone even when he is sitting next to me. I feel like my only job is to keep house take care of our LO and give him meals and sex. Just not feeling it and it isn't the pregnancy talking! Been going on for a few years I just thought we were in a rut.
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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

So I am 10'weeks pregnant with our second child. A few days ago, my husband left to go have a drink with some friends. 8:00 am the next morning I still hadn't heard from him and was getting ready to call the cops to see if there had been an accident or something because he was no where to be found and his phone was turned off. He finally called and told me he was on his way home but I was already so upset that I was hyperventilating. My daughter witnessed everything ( me being upset). When he came home first words out of my mouth were I'm leaving you. I told him I couldn't take it anymore when he asked me why. I went outside with my daughter and when I came back in, I asked him why he stayed out all night and he told me his buddies asked him to stay in he cottage where there was no cell phone reception, and instead of calling me and letting me know he just didn't bother because he knew I would flip out. So instead he went out and got hammered and didn't bother to call me which sent me into a full blown anxiety attack all night Long worrying. Of course naturally my first thought was he is cheating on me but he said he didn't an wouldn't. Given that it has happened in the past I just don't know if I fully believe Him. He has been going out for a drink at least a couple times a week and I feel like he is behaving like a single man. So I told him I was going to grant his wish and let him be single like it seemed like he wanted. He then told me he didn't want to be single he as married and we are all he wants, and told me I broke his heart. But I told him he doesn't realize that I need to think about my kids and they can't live in a house with a father acting like that. We did stay together but I made it clear if he doesn't smarten up I am leaving. Please anyone I need some insight. I just don't know if he is worth it anymore.
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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He is cake eating. He knows you are a SAHM, with a little one and are pregnant. That makes you vulnerable and dependent on him. He knows you are not going anywhere. 

He told you immediately upon coming home that he was leaving you. He was saving himself from having to answer your questions about where he was. The topic would quickly change to you begging him not to leave. Basically he makes himself go from a person not worthy of being wanted, to someone of great importance. Notice how quickly he decided to stay and then you will be relieved and end of problem in his eyes. Telling you that you break his heart.....he is gaining sympathy from you by turning himself into a victim. He is lying about where he is and who he is with. He is lying about the phone reception. Get yourself tested for STDs and stop having sex with him. Most people here will tell you to kick him out.


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## backroad09 (Jan 21, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> He is cake eating. He knows you are a SAHM, with a little one and are pregnant. That makes you vulnerable and dependent on him. He knows you are not going anywhere.
> 
> He told you immediately upon coming home that he was leaving you. He was saving himself from having to answer your questions about where he was. The topic would quickly change to you begging him not to leave. Basically he makes himself go from a person not worthy of being wanted, to someone of great importance. Notice how quickly he decided to stay and then you will be relieved and end of problem in his eyes. Telling you that you break his heart.....he is gaining sympathy from you by turning himself into a victim. He is lying about where he is and who he is with. He is lying about the phone reception. Get yourself tested for STDs and stop having sex with him. Most people here will tell you to kick him out.


I should clarify that " I'm leaving you" came from my mouth not his. I just got swabs done at my first doctors appt A few weeks ago... Should I ask them to do them again? I know he didn't tell me where he was going because he knew I would have flipped out... So he just did it and didn't bothe coming home. He said he didn't cheat and never would but did 10 years ago.
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