# So unhappy please help



## queeny (Jun 21, 2009)

I left my husband now I see over something that we could have and should have worked out but it was just the last straw the tension was unbearable.

We mainly argue over my kids his step kids. I can mostly always agree that he is right in what he is saying to do but I dont agree with his severe punishments they are just too much way over the top and he has been verbally abusive to and my kids.

We have so many problems I don't even know how to explain them all. 

First my exhusband is a major a** he has made problems over everything from clothes to major parenting problems. His has been nothing but a thorn in my side my whole life. (he is very bitter to pay child support) He never does what is in the best interest of my kids. I could tell you story that would make your head spin. I'll quote one shocker for you, when he got married my daughter was in his wedding is was so spitful that when it was time for her to come home he took her wedding dress off and sent her home in her winter coat with nothing but her t shirt and underwear b/c he was affraid that I might be able to use her dress for her Christmas dress that year not I would not have to spend "his money". 

This man is sick the list can go on forever, but the point being he has me in court all the time. Which upsets my marriage my home my kids and financially exausting.

Back to my husband because I went through so much pain and suffering trying to protect my kids from this nighmare I am very protective of them. My husband is very strict and I just can't take all his stupid rules about everything! He is over the top about alot of things like obsessive playing of basketball 3 times a week he coaches it, its all he watches on TV, just try get across his personallity, he hard and obsessive over most things.

I know he has the right thought on alot of subjects, but his punishment and yelling and screaming are overwhelming. He is very anal about most things. He grew up in home that was very strict. His mom is so uptight that everyone hates to visit with her b/c you just can't relax and you may bring dirt into her home. (Most everyone feels this was about her not just me). He went on to do drugs and become an alcoholic. My point here is she was so strict he rebelled to the extrem he was in rehab 4 times before I met him for alcohol.

We have gotten to the point of not speaking to each other not sleeping with each other just existing under the same roof. Except for his continues baggering of me about what my kids do and don't do.

I have had to lock myself away in the bathroom just to get away from his yelling and it still continued. He once come in and out of my home 28 times to give me another yell something that he remembered as he walked away. HE is so mean sometimes that he has just crumbled me to feel like nothing.

He says the meanest thing about me, my kids, my family. Believe me I have yelled back many mean things also tis the main reason I left b/c it was an unhealthy envirorment for my kids and his child also. I have 2 from my first marriage he has two and we have 1 together. 21yog 17yob are mine and his are 18 yog and 16 yob and our 9yo son.

We have split once before.

Now I want to make things work with him I got these Marriage Fittness tapes and really realized I did alot wrong and so did he. 

I just can't bear going through another divorce no one is ever really happy after one. I want to make this one work. Its been almost 12 years of this fighting.

I just can't seem to see my future without him even though most time I just wanted to kill him (HA HA)

I have been admitting my faults to him like I should put him first and agree to my punishments that work for both of us.

My problem is that we are going to go to a counceler but he really feels its just me who needs it he sees no fault in himself.

I am just banging my head even going when someone thinks they have no faults. 

His over the top discipline has pushed me sometime not even to tell him things my kids have done. They are no angels but they certainly are not the monster he try to make them out to be.

And now with the added exhusband who faithfully puts blockers up in our life.

Should I just move on?

I am so hurt that he really feels he does nothing wrong!

What can I do to make someone see that no ones perfect like he thinks he is.

He has screwed up so much of his life he is trying to jam it down my kids throats so they don't do what he has done.

My point sure no one wants there kids to have a hard life or trouble but my kids are not him and all kids make mistakes and learn from them. He is trying so hard to be perfect and make them be perfect that they rebell against him. I rebell against him for this too.

Its so crazy but I still love him deep down I just don't know were to begin to fix all of this.

PLEASE HELP


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

As I am sure you realize raising a blended family is next to impossible. So much baggage comes into a second blended family it is amazing any work at all. 

*You do not deserve being yelled at, you are an adult. Fix this, as follows*:

1. Make sure you have an Ipod or other listening device with good earphones.

"DH, I no longer am going to listen to your yelling, it upsets me. In order to get my attention and discuss things around here, speak to me in a normal tone and volume. If you don't do as I am asking, I will put in my I-pod earphones and listen to something that does not upset me. Oh, and also, DH: I know I've also been guilty of yelling so I am going to stop, it isn't a good example for the kids." 

He is likely going to be pissed, of course. But you MUST follow through with this technique *Yelling = earphones* each and every single time yelling starts. You can put on the earphones, turn to doing something such as washing dishes, writing notes to yourself, IGNORE him. He will eventually signal to you to remove the earphones and speak to you normally. Repeat as needed, never vary. This is training and works, it is extinguishing a bad behavior pattern. You can use it with yelling kids, too. You can use it with youself: find yourself starting to yell? Earphones in, listen, stop yelling. 

2) I understand your ex, father of your children, 21 and 17 are is vindictive, using manipulative behaviors to retaliate. What matters is your handling of your response to it JUST LIKE with present DH's yelling behavior.

*TIME is on your side*. :smthumbup: You have dealt with him for, what 9 or 10 years of his bad behavior? Congratulate yourself. You youngest by him is *17*, right? *Get a calendar and MARK each day off until that child's birthday*. *Get a bottle of champagne and celebrate that day, because that last day is the last time you NEED to speak or look at him if you choose not to!* Your FEAR and LOATHING of being dragged into court and the financial mess it creates is about to end regarding child issues is that correct? Let it go when the day comes. *You can choose to do that*. 


If you need time to decide what on earth to do about your marriage, just post on this site when you get overwhelmed or need support. If your dh won't go to counseling, go for your own good. You deserve something to help you through your struggles. 

*Above all, try to get the yelling under control*. It isn't good for your 9 year old. Also, make sure you don't have any more children come along. Focus on the plans for your 17 and 21 year olds, they need a boost out or what is their story? 

Note: Although you already likely realize this, I think you have about all you can handle at this point. New babies have an odd way of sneaking into the picture when least expected and at the worst of times.

Hang in there. You are not alone here.


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## queeny (Jun 21, 2009)

Thank you for your support!

My 21yo is out on her own and my 17 yo has one more year of HS then he will be off to college somewhere we have not decided still waiting for all the letters of recruitment to come.

My husband agreed that he will go for counseling but I think it will be just a waste of my time since he truly believes he has done nothing wrong.

I can't explain it to him anymore that everything kids do are things kids do and that its all in the way the adult deals with the problem. Which I keep telling him that his yelling and being nasty just makes everything worse he takes a small problem and turns it into a mountain and big problems well I never hear the end of it I am still hearing things that happened years ago. In fact he can repeatedly recite them and does and you can't get a word in edgewise.

How do you deal with this he tells me to learn from my past mistakes and yet he keeps doing the same thing over and over. He really believes that yelling and putting fear into kids is the way to go. I think its insane. He can't understand that when he talks about my children in a negative way which is always it makes me so bitter and angry I just cant stand it.

He thinks now for the past year he has not said much to my son but comes and yells at me about him this since the last time he screamed FU to my kid about nothing again. Can he really think my kid does not hear him?? Its not a way to be woken up to and its not a way to be greeted when you get home and somehow he always says nobody shows him love. How can you love someone and want to be near them when they are always angry about everything and can leave nothing go and then goes on to name calling.

I have videoed tape him in an effort to make him stop. I get my phone and start taping and he stops. I really wish I had one of those teddy bear cameras so everyone can see the hell he puts me through.

When he's really on a roll I have gone to his father who does talk him down a bit but its short lived.

I have even called the neighbors over the last argument we had to get him to stop he just went on and on to the point I was just crumbled. The neighbors just pissed him off more (I only called them b/c she told me to if he starts on me insanely)which has lead to the 2ND argument we had about my son on the couch with his GF which turned into 4 months of no talking and then I left after several volatile events and he had filed for divorce b/c I kept telling him to b/c anything would be better than living the way we were.

The argument when I called the neighbors down was about my son not doing so great on his SATs. Which I found to be no big deal since he can take them at least 6 more times. My son was stressed for them he took his permit test that day also and the SATs it was a bit much. The point being that he made a mountain out of a molehill and proceeded to degrade me and tell me what kind of mother am I that I don't care. Really I don't know how b/c I am not screaming at my kid to do better and to study he perceives it to be that I don't follow up.

Really he is 17 and if he does not have study habits by now its only his fault I did follow threw when he was younger and made sure everything was being done properly. I can't chase after an 11Th grade kids to make sure his work is done. I ask and I ask everyday any homework??? Any test??? what else can I do. I speak with my child about getting good grades and the importance of them for college and its not about me its about him. He understands where he needs to be at with his grades. 

My husband thinks I should take the computer off him and take all his guitar hero stuff and ground him until he does better. Now really I think this is ridicules and it will only piss the kid off to the point of just doing anything to get out of my home. SAT's are not something you can really study for its knowledge of what you have learned over the years of school. I know you can take classes for them but I just can't afford $1500.00 for classes. I got question from the SAT's sent to my email everyday for him to review. 

Life is short its not worth fighting over everything, things can be dealt with in more constructive ways. I am not a push over he is really the only person who thinks this of me. All my close friends and relatives and coworker and (my kids)have heard me discipline my kids they see me doing all that I can all that a good mother should do.

When he says things like that it just crumbles me to the point a hating him. I guess I just can't describe his ranting and yelling and name calling enough that someone else can understand. I am not the most disciplinarian mother that is out there and I am not by far what he makes me out to be.

My kids love me and they have a certain fear in them that they know that they will get it from me in one way or another (I try to make the punishment fit the crime) that also follows up with that they talk to me about things not as a friend but someone that won't cut there arms off for not taking the garbage out. Its more in a way of seeking advice from someone you can trust. 

Its not that I never yell at them or flip out its just I don't do it over everything.

I have admitted to him that yes I could have done things differently I am by far not perfect yes at times I have made poor choices maybe for certain things I look back and think maybe I should, could have, would have but I can't change it now.

How do you get someone like this to meet in the middle?? How do you get someone to see there own errors????


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