# Trapped and no way out



## Jamz84

My wife and I have been living with her parents for 5 years. When we had our first child, I asked my in laws if we could stay at their house until we got back on our feet financially. Well, the kids multiplied and we now have 3 kids, ages 5, 3, and 2. Yes, it’s rough handling three at those ages but what’s worse is not having our own house. I work in manufacturing and make ok money, and the wife works part time at a grocery store, 3rd shift, which is rough on us too especially because we have one vehicle, the oldest has school, and I work 2nd shift. It is a constant juggle and very stressful. What is also rough is that the five of us are all living in a converted double garage. Their house was remodeled to make the garage part of the house so we have access to the kitchen and two bathrooms. In laws have been nice enough to not charge us actual rent, just supply our own food (we have our own fridge) pay for a storage unit and pay our part of the family plan phone bill.

As a son in law, I have become increasingly uncomfortable living here. DW complained all the time we were dating that her momwas verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abusive. Her dad went along with it and sometimes joined in, but rarely called out his wife on her behavior. Ex: While we were dating, I once saw her with a black eye, she was over 21 with a 5pm curfew, and MIL was known to literally set fire (burn in a chiminea) her manga, comic books, and whatever else she disapproved. DW was homeschooled and had very few friends. MIL also has a problem with screaming and has the “mom martyr” thing guilting everybody in the house and complains about everything. When the MIL was being “normal” she operated on a bargaining and reward system with her and her three brothers like training them to be her servants, showing favoritism and giving them sweets and toys at unstructured times. She also has a shopping problem is very disorganized and their house is littered and piled up with useless junk everywhere. They also have 5 very loud dogs in the house that very often leave puddles and poop in unexpected places.

So the the short answer to this problem is simply this. Get the hell out of that place. Problem is it is not that easy. After five years of this, my DW is now turning into my MIL. DW is now verbally abusing me, spoiling the kids and yelling and screaming, false accusing me of etc. Basically, much of what her mom did to her, she is now doing to me and the kids. We’ve got money set aside for a house but she is unwilling to move anywhere outside of the school district the oldest child is in because he has a slight speech impairment and receives a partial special education. She almost pulled him out and home schooled him. The houses in this neighborhood are way out of my price range. I can’t do my job as the husband because her mom dominated her dad and made all the decisions so now that she’s living here with her parents she’s taking on the same role and behavior as her mom. 

I’m out of soulutions because everything has to be a fight everything has to be a confrontation and has unreasonable standards for our income level. I’ve tried talking to her about making some compromises but she refuses or it’s another fight. She will not follow my lead and won’t let me do my job. What do I do?


----------



## BlueWoman

Your oldest can receive special education services at any school. Don’t know where you live, but if it’s anywhere in the US then all public schools have to honor the IEP.

As for the rest, well it sounds like you already know what to do.


----------



## EleGirl

You are probably going to have to take some rash action... threat of divorce or maybe even divorce.

Is there any place in the current school district that you could afford to rent? 

See an attorney and find out if you can expect to get 50% custody in divorce. You need to know this before acting.

Tell your wife that it's either you call move out on your own or you are filing for divorce and 50% custody. At least that way your children are away from the influence of your wife and her mother half the time. Right now your children are learning that this dysfunctional family is normal. At least if you have them half the time you can show them what a normal home life is all about. And there is a chance that your wife will move with you and then you can start pushing for martial counseling and fix your marriage.


----------



## chillymorn69

Research school districts find one with a good program for your oldest .then put your foot down.

If she won't compromise ask her to go to marriage counceling if she won't go then go yourself.

This should be your hill to die on or forever regret it.


----------



## EleGirl

@Jamz84

Your two threads have been merged into this one. Only one thread on a topic please. :nerd: :smile2:


----------



## Jamz84

The school he’s at right now is the only one she will let him go to. The ARD committee diagnosed him with low spectrum autism to which we both disagreed and are getting some other opinions through his pediatrician. But he obviously does have speech impairment. He was going to be transferred to a different public school, only 2 and half miles away and ride a bus over there.DW told her mom about it and it was the MIL that initially suggested he be homeschooled. She supposedly found out that this school has a bullying problem, poor teacher performance and didn’t want him hanging around Hispanic kids. Very close minded, I know. I didn’t believe this to be true because that’s not how special ed works and the information she found wasn’t current and the other is just dumb racial prejudice. She was this close to yanking him and homeschooling him even though she knew I didn’t support it. She was just going to go over my head. I eventually made her wait til the next teacher meeting and had to agree decline the suggested school to keep him from being homeschooled. The problem is my hands are tied because this neighborhood is out of our price range and If I suggest moving across town it will trigger an unloading of confrontation from her. Then she will start pushing homeschooling again. It’s just a big vicious cycle.

Btw, I know homeschooling has worked for a lot of families and been very successful, I just do not believe my in laws house is the correct environment nor does DW have the discipline for it.


----------



## threelittlestars

First if you want to have the situation change you are going to need to do the leg work. 

Find three options for school. Second, start house hunting in the areas YOU think you can afford. If she blaks just go alone.

So here is my take, this environment is massively unhealthy so the worst case senario is that NOTHING CHANGES! Its the same and kids grow up disfunctionally or you resent your wife so much by another five years that you cheat and run away. 

Second option, DIVORCE! i know that sounds terrible but in a marriage you got a wagon and a wagon cannot move forward without going in the same direction. If you don't go in the same direction its better to break from the other horse. 

This is not healthy for you and most importantly the kids. YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN SERIOUS DANGER. maybe if you appeal to your wife about it that you love her, but this situation in turning you both into people you dont want to become! 

It's simple really, you got to be firm and dont give in to her. It's not healthy to chose to live with parents. I dont personally agree with it. Grandparents often struggle to know their place, and it's harder when you live with them.


----------



## BlueWoman

Well apparently the school agreed to provide special education services in his home school, which means that any school will have to agree to accept him. His placement isn't an issue. And every public school in the United States should have a speech language Pathologist available. You don't have to go to the school your wife doesn't want to go to, but you can easily move to another school district with no problems for your child.

There really is no way to change this environment without conflict. Your wife has already let you know that she isn't going to change without resistance. So the questions is for you to figure out what you want and what you are willing to sacrifice to get what you want.

Do you want to move? Then you are going to have to fight your wife about it. And you might have to do it without your wife, if you want it bad enough. Picture yourself in 5 years if you never move out? Then picture your life in 5 years if you move out and your wife doesn't come? Which is worse? Pick the other one. 

Sorry, I know it sucks. You are in a position where there isn't a great option. There is just a better option, with consequences. What the better option is, is really up to you. But I can tell you this, whatever choice you make, it will be better if you actively make the choice and decide to live with the consequences, than if you passively let life happen to you. The former is a place of strength. It may be painful and difficult, but you will know it was your choice. The latter will make you weak and pathetic. You will be miserable.


----------



## Jamz84

Appreciate all the responses..The general consensus is obvious. Primary goal - Move out. Believe me I’ve known this for a long time and tried to act on it, it’s just verrry hard to get her on board, and becomes a fight, no matter how practical and reasonable for our goals, without emotional outbursts. She’s gotten comfortable here, but it’s bad for the kids and me. It’s really hard being married to and raising children with someone who was abused and raised fundamentally different than yourself. She used to tell me, “Don’t ever let me turn into my mom.” Before we moved in with her parents, her and I fit together like two puzzle pieces. We were really happy. But you become what you’re around no matter who you are. Now she trusts her parents more than me. Hurts. If im going to make changes, It’s going to be a long, grueling, emotional, uphill battle.


----------



## Steve2.0

Forgive my ignorance (being a Canadian) but could you not spend some energy looking for better jobs?
I know far too many people who have a job and feel like "this is it" and do nothing to find better things or progress within their company.

Are you salary stagnate for your own reasons or others?
I've had 14 jobs in 20 years of employment and i never got fired and only quit when i had a better job lined up. I am now making a great income and look back on some people that stayed in their original roles making their original pay and wonder 'wtf are they holding on to?"


----------



## GuyInColorado

Time to be the leader of the household. Tell her we are moving out after the school year is finished (May '18). Reassure her this is best for your marriage and the family. She can help pick out the house and school district in which you can afford, or she can refuse and live at her mom's house and see your kids 50% of the time. 

Are you two intimate? How strong is this marriage? It appears she has no respect for you. You need to stand your ground. So what if it causes a huge fight. Might just prove you two aren't compatible and a separation is the next step. Tell her you'll have your own bachelor pad if she gives you no choice. Sounds like your getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. Taking action is your next step.


----------



## NickyT

You have gotten some great advice here. My only suggestion is that, since you need to move out, you RADICALLY change how you have been going about bringing up the subject. 

You love your wife (maybe don't like her so much right now...), you love your kids. You know in your heart of hearts that your family needs to get away from the chaos of her parents, dogs, etc. Keep that in mind - don't forget you are trying for what you, as the father of this family, know is right. You wife is in battle mode. You have to get her out of it before the conversation can get real. 

Get a sitter, get a bottle of wine, and take your wife parking like you used to when you were a teenager. Tell her you love her. Kiss her sweetly. Look at the stars. Spend some time. Then, ASK her what she wants and take the conversation from there (from what she says she wants), slowly steering her in the direction of what will work. 

My point is: If you ask her what she wants, is she going to say "to be like my mother" "to fight with you all the time" "for our lives to be chaos"? Because this is what she is acting like she wants.


----------



## Jamz84

*Re: Trapped and no way o*



Steve2.0 said:


> Forgive my ignorance (being a Canadian) but could you not spend some energy looking for better jobs?
> I know far too many people who have a job and feel like "this is it" and do nothing to find better things or progress within their company.
> 
> Are you salary stagnate for your own reasons or others?
> I've had 14 jobs in 20 years of employment and i never got fired and only quit when i had a better job lined up. I am now making a great income and look back on some people that stayed in their original roles making their original pay and wonder 'wtf are they holding on to?"


I just got a raise and a promotion from the company I’ve been at for 7 years. And they offered me the position, I hadn’t even applied for it yet. It’s pretty bad when your leadership and problem solving skills are trusted more at my job than home. At least for me, changing jobs would be unwise, especially trying to keep steady health insurance on these kids. My wife, I don’t know, she hasn’t had good luck working with authority at a job. This is the first job she hasnt quit or been fired from in a long time. Her and her mom and brother all work at the same store so that’s another tough one.


----------

