# Husband Moved Out



## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

Some of you may be familiar with my husband, Hqusafa. We've been having some relationship problems with my weight leading to his not being sexually attracted to me. To be honest, I understand. You should be physically and emotionally attracted to your mate. Unfortunately, after some issues with depression I gained 45 lbs and struggled with various workout and diet programs. I never really succeeded, though, because my heart was never in it due to low self esteem issues from my childhood. But I recently started Lexapro for OCD and found it helped my depression (which I had been denying to myself that I had- didn't want to turn out like my mom). About a month ago everything clicked and I've been working out steadily and have lost 19 lbs from my heaviest (9 from my recent max) so far. I'm less than a pound from my short-term goal and just over 25 lbs from my long-term goal. Unfortunately, everything may have clicked too late. He moved out Monday to get some space to clear his head. Here's my question: How do I show him I've changed, not just for short-term, and how do I appeal to his fitness-loving side?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

actions speak louder than words. just keep doing what your doing. and be proud of your efforts.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> actions speak louder than words. just keep doing what your doing. and be proud of your efforts.


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Bravo.. chillymorn is exactly right.

Can I go out on a limb here? My immediate gut reaction is that your weight isnt really the biggest issue - its the broken relationship. I might be fantastically wrong - I dont know either of you - but I do know very happy, and fat couples. The relationship part, unfortunately - is not quite as easy to fix as losing 25 or 50 lbs. Nor is it that simple to show someone you have changed behaviors for more than the short term.

Dont get me wrong - I think you should be proud of what you are accomplishing... but its going to take some time - and at this point all you can do is keep on getting better - mentally and physically. I think getting active is going to help your outlook on life too - if you can keep it up long enough so that it becomes habit - NOT easy!

Hopefully, he will come back after clearing his head and you will both get a chance to talk about it a bit. I have no doubt he will be able to see your desire to make changes. How long have the 2 of you been struggling? If its been years - then its going to take a while before both of you can gain some confidence back that you are both on the same page again. If its been months, maybe less so. Maybe.

Its sorta like losing weight... after a long slow steady gain... it just seems like it takes more work to lose it. In a relationship that has gone downhill for a time - it can take time and work before you can get out of the hole you have fallen into. I think trying to 'appeal to his fitness loving side' is a good idea, but again - it may sound hollow at first until you are both convinced. Has he (or you) ever moved out before or brought the relationship to a crisis point?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> actions speak louder than words. just keep doing what your doing. and be proud of your efforts.


This! 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Im just speaking for myself, but I would never walk out on a gf/wife because they got fat. My W gained 40+ lbs in the few months after we got married and I didn't give a hoot for me, although i cared about her self esteem. even if it did bother me (her wieght) I have trouble with a guy who walks out on gf/wife over weight.

im sorry, it seems narcissitic and selfish. could be wrong. not sure about the rest of the story.......

good for you though, msaugust. keep it up. best wishes to you.
hope hubby comes back.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

MsAugust said:


> Some of you may be familiar with my husband, Hqusafa. We've been having some relationship problems with my weight leading to his not being sexually attracted to me. To be honest, I understand. You should be physically and emotionally attracted to your mate. Unfortunately, after some issues with depression I gained 45 lbs and struggled with various workout and diet programs. I never really succeeded, though, because my heart was never in it due to low self esteem issues from my childhood. But I recently started Lexapro for OCD and found it helped my depression (which I had been denying to myself that I had- didn't want to turn out like my mom). About a month ago everything clicked and I've been working out steadily and have lost 19 lbs from my heaviest (9 from my recent max) so far. I'm less than a pound from my short-term goal and just over 25 lbs from my long-term goal. Unfortunately, everything may have clicked too late. He moved out Monday to get some space to clear his head. Here's my question: How do I show him I've changed, not just for short-term, and how do I appeal to his fitness-loving side?


Dear I would keep working out. I would attempt to work out with him and do your best to out work him. Make it a fun competition between the two of you. As far as moving out that is just pain odd and doesn't make sense. I would check his phone records, email, and facebook. I would make sure that there isn't something or someone else going on. Please don't ignore the second half of my advice. KEep us updated.


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## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

anotherguy- our struggles have only been my weight issue which started about 18 mos ago.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Depression, OCD and low self esteem. You say the biggest problem in your relationship is that you packed on 45 Lbs over 18 months - of which you have lost 19Lbs in the past month. Then he moves out.

Im not buying this. Not completely. 

Married couples do not frequently separate and move out because one of them is carying an extra 25 Lbs. Do they?

If you really say thats is the bottom line - I think your husband is an a$$ - or there is more to it. 

You know... I bet if I checked my wifes weight... I can bet she is 25 lbs heavier than when I met her 25 years ago. She has terminal pear shape too, which I know drives her nuts. But - I find her incredibly sexy. Just for example.

What else do you 2 fight about?

I had a fight with the wife about her inability to throw old leftover food in the fridge away. We argue about some real stupid things.


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## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

There really haven't been any other fights. This has been the only issue. At least the only one he's communicated to me.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

MsAugust said:


> Some of you may be familiar with my husband, Hqusafa. We've been having some relationship problems with my weight leading to his not being sexually attracted to me. To be honest, I understand. You should be physically and emotionally attracted to your mate. Unfortunately, after some issues with depression I gained 45 lbs and struggled with various workout and diet programs. I never really succeeded, though, because my heart was never in it due to low self esteem issues from my childhood. But I recently started Lexapro for OCD and found it helped my depression (which I had been denying to myself that I had- didn't want to turn out like my mom). About a month ago everything clicked and I've been working out steadily and have lost 19 lbs from my heaviest (9 from my recent max) so far. I'm less than a pound from my short-term goal and just over 25 lbs from my long-term goal. Unfortunately, everything may have clicked too late. He moved out Monday to get some space to clear his head. Here's my question: How do I show him I've changed, not just for short-term, and how do I appeal to his fitness-loving side?


My wife doubled her weight at one point. 

If I'm any indication of maleness.. It is NOT the weight that's the issue. Period. It may be what he says, he might even be really "repulsed" by it, but still is NOT the issue. Something else is, and that's the pretext for it.


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## MaritzSmit (Sep 21, 2012)

just keep doing what your doing. and be proud of your efforts.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes... BE the person you want to be.

Don't talk about it...be it.

If you want to be someone who eats healthy and exercises...BE someone who eats healthy and exercises.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)




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## CondorTX19 (Jun 19, 2012)

" How do I show him I've changed, not just for short-term, and how do I appeal to his fitness-loving side?"

I agree with anotherguy. Also
Take care of yourself keep doing what makes you happy. If you don't get him back does that mean you give up on your diet and exercise? NO!! You must take care of yourself first then all things come after that. You deserve to be happy no matter what. Good Luck


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> Depression, OCD and low self esteem. You say the biggest problem in your relationship is that you packed on 45 Lbs over 18 months - of which you have lost 19Lbs in the past month. Then he moves out.
> 
> *Im not buying this. Not completely.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: My husband and I have both gained weight since we met, moved in together and married. We still find each other very sexy. It is like he does not even see my slight stomach pooch. All he talks about is my curves and how hot they make me look. 

We argue about dumb sh!t too and then we laugh and hug it out. Life is too short. 

I think the weight is a red herring. The OP's husband has some more issues which he is not ready to discuss.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

A man that moves out because his wife gained weight is clearly not ready/able to be a husband. I'm sure there are good things about him, but think about what he's teling you right now. "Your physical appearance determines whether or not I will be in your presence. Though I vowed to love, honor and protect you, I meant that i'd only do those things when you look pretty, and when you look less pretty, I'll just move out." Is that the type of husband you want? Surely, you're worth so much more than that. Your husband is just a man, a childish, foolish man imo, he's not special and he certainly isn't doing you any favors by staying married to you. If you want to lose the weight, you should. But clearly he is unable to be a capable husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

aribabe said it perfectly. I know that it has to hurt like hell and I'm sorry for that. But do you really want a guy back who moves out on you when things are tough? You are suffering from OCD/depression/childhood issues and he is not willing to take them into account. That just seems really messed up to me.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

Aribabe is smart! 

I watched the other thread started by your husband (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ss-attractive-now-thread-long-post-ready.html ) and have found myself angry and hurt for you. As I said there, you are too good to be treated as he is treating you.

EDIT: Geez, I just went back and read the first post by the OP in that thread I linked to. I am SO mad AGAIN, I am ready to hurt someone! (can you guess who?) 


So much I want to say... but biting my tongue. Please, please, PLEASE get into some IC so you can get some help realizing that YOU are worth so much more then you will ever be valued by that man. I know you hurt right now, but in the long run, you will be much better off without him! 

Please take care of yourself.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Seems you lost a lot of weight on Monday. If I was you, I'd not let him move back in anytime soon. You should serve him divorce papers while he's "clearing his head" and move on with life.

Sorry my advice isn't helpful, but I think you deserve better than what you're getting.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MaritzSmit said:


> just keep doing what your doing. and be proud of your efforts.


Bottom line:

Whether the weight is the only issue or just the scapegoat, you probably know which issues you need to work on to make yourself a better person. Work on those issues for you. Make yourself a better person while leaving an open invitation for him to join the better you for however long you feel is appropriate. Whether or not he joins you, you are the winner.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DTO said:


> Bottom line:
> 
> Whether the weight is the only issue or just the scapegoat, you probably know which issues you need to work on to make yourself a better person. Work on those issues for you. Make yourself a better person while leaving an open invitation for him to join the better you for however long you feel is appropriate. Whether or not he joins you, you are the winner.


Also, I too believe that there is an underlying issue here. Maybe he has not communicated it, or maybe he has tried and the communication process failed. It's a hunch, supported by the facts that you have lost nearly half of your recent gain and it seems he left rather suddenly. My ex mentioned leaving now and again over supposed failings on my part, but when she finally did it she was stealthy about it and it was over an issue completely unrelated to the earlier ones (I lost my job and she did not want to help in the budget).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

aribabe said:


> A man that moves out because his wife gained weight is clearly not ready/able to be a husband. I'm sure there are good things about him, but think about what he's teling you right now. "Your physical appearance determines whether or not I will be in your presence. Though I vowed to love, honor and protect you, I meant that i'd only do those things when you look pretty, and when you look less pretty, I'll just move out." Is that the type of husband you want? Surely, you're worth so much more than that. Your husband is just a man, a childish, foolish man imo, he's not special and he certainly isn't doing you any favors by staying married to you. If you want to lose the weight, you should. But clearly he is unable to be a capable husband.


This is absolutely true. With my ex it was more like "you lost your nearly $100k job and won't get back to that for some time if ever. If I have to pay bills, it won't be to help you". So I know how it feels.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

DTO said:


> This is absolutely true. With my ex it was more like "you lost your nearly $100k job and won't get back to that for some time if ever. If I have to pay bills, it won't be to help you". So I know how it feels.


Interesting description. I realize now that when she (my wife) got her first paycheck from the first job after her degree, she started on the way to accumulating power - seemingly as an entitlement. 

To your ex, you were money. When the money ran out, she no longer had any use for you - it was her way of exerting power over you... "keep me money'd or I go".


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

I love my wife no matter how much she weighs. I can't believe that a spouse would leave over this if there was love in the equation


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