# Wife wants babies, I don't ..



## wimps30 (Jul 6, 2012)

Basically, we dated for many years before we got married and we were both pretty vocal about not wanting kids.. a few days after getting married, she is " I think I want a baby".. 

Right now she is leaving it open as a possibility, but I can see every time she is bored she brings it up again. I absolutely don't want kids, and I have no interest in them.

I don't think she could handle it mentally, physically, or emotionally. 

I on the other hand want more things out of life than living for someone else, I want to see the world and have many adventures.. She wants the SUV, House, Career, Babies etc...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So she never mentioned that she wanted SUV, House, Career, Babies, etc before she married you?


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## wimps30 (Jul 6, 2012)

Nope,

Plan has been to work, pay off debt, and see the world!


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## lotsoflove (Jun 11, 2012)

Sheesh, that's tough. Sorry. 

I can see that someone might change their mind when they get older about wanting kids, but in that case it seems like it would have been on the table: "I don't want kids in the near future, I want to travel and see the world, but maybe someday."

You are clear about what you want. Having or not having children is nothing to compromise on. I wonder what changed her mind?


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## wimps30 (Jul 6, 2012)

I can tell you what changed her mind, and she has admitted to me. When she works a lot, she feels like she needs to fill a void with "stuff".. last year she bought a Benz SUV when her newer car was almost paid off.. 

She also watches a lot of reality shows that glamorize having babies...and living the high life, like the Kardashians


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

OP keep it wrapped, dont depend on her for protection/birth control and store condoms in a location only accessible to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you do not want kids get a vasectamy


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

wimps30 said:


> I don't think she could handle it mentally, physically, or emotionally.


That's not a very nice thing to say about your wife. My husband told me this while I was pregnant and he eats his words everyday, (his own admission).

So what if she changed her mind? People change their minds all the time! If it's a dealbreaker then the two of you move on, but I think it's kind of a compliment when a woman loves and trusts a man enough to want to have his babies.

When my husband and I first married, neither of us wanted children, either. We ended up pregnant despite precautions and we had our daughter just three months ago... And we are both blossoming in roles we never planned out for ourselves.

I'm not saying you should change your mind just to please her, but you should respect her wishes without insult.

Is there a possible compromise? A new pet? Adoption? Foster care? If you think she is incapable, these might be good things to look into... Maybe even babysitting for friends, to test the waters. I'm not sure what her experience is with babies, but maybe these would be a good place to start!

I understand how you may feel fooled or duped... But remember that when she said she didn't want children at first, she was probably telling the truth!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you do not want kids get a vasectamy


^^^ THIS. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wimps30 (Jul 6, 2012)

Plain and Simple, I don't want kids. 

She has known this for years, and I've expressed my dreams and desires for my future. I wouldn't have child just to make someone else happy, and I know people get pregnant without planning for it but if you don't use protection you will get pregnant at some point.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> If you do not want kids get a vasectamy


It's worth repeating. My husband just did it a week ago. Piece of cake!

How does your wife respond when you stand your ground? Does she drop it? Try to convince you? Does she respect your wishes? Has she mentioned anything that may of changed her mind?

I used to joke with hubby about babies soon after we were married... But it was just joking. We'd laugh and that would be that. It wasn't so funny when we found out I was pregnant and the reality started to sink in... Your post makes me wonder if that is what she may be doing? Just messing around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can get pregnant even using protection. It happens all the time.

There are only two ways to 100% prevent pregnancy.... abstain or get snipped.

So she has changed her mind. You have 3 choices. 1) leave her; 2) stay and refuse to have a child; 3) stay and have a child.

Pick one and live with your choice.

How old are the two of you?

A woman's biological clock is a very real thing.. a drive. Perhaps it has now kicked in. It's as real as your sex drive is. 

A lot of women start out thinking that they do not want children only to have this hit them out of nowhere. 

Men have hormonal changes that make them want to have children as well. But a lot of men don't get it as strong as most women do.

The thing about marriage is that we all change. Either you are willing to go with the flow and work with your spouse or you are not. If you are not, move on.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If she has changed her mind, then don't punish her for it. Your post makes it sound like she's doing something wrong, wanting a baby. In YOUR judgment, she may want a child "for the wrong reasons." Maybe, maybe not. She needs to explore why she is having these feelings--and if she continues to have them, the two of you should part ways. There is no compromise on this question, and I think you are very wise to know that it is wrong to father a child just for her satisfaction. If you do not want a child, do not have one. 

Just do not assume that you have any right to make that decision for her.

People grow and change. It's not a crime. It just is what it is.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You’ve both massively different lifetime dreams, goals, wants and needs. Haven’t a clue what age your wife is but the closer she gets to menopause the greater will be her calling to have children and if she doesn’t have them the greater her resentment. And the further you get away from your dream life as time goes by, the greater will be your resentment.

Keep on the way you are then you’ll both be scuppering one another’s plans to fulfil your individual dreams and the resentments you both have will be the source of constant shet testing between the two of you.

You both already sound resentful and the cause of your resentments are exceedingly deep and unlikely to ever go away. Unless of course you have a massive change of heart and totally readjust your lifetime goals which doesn’t like it’s going to happen any time soon, like in this century.

I got really lucky. I had the family I wanted by the time I was twenty-five and “travelled the world” with them as an exPat. There’s no way I would feel fulfilled if I didn’t fulfil both my dreams.


Try and imagine yourself as a grey haired, eighty year old man sitting in his rocker or laying in his hammock looking back and reflecting on his life. Which path at the fork in the road should you have taken. The path of the family and children or the path of travel and adventure?

Can you find a way to have both or are children so far off of your agenda?


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> If she has changed her mind, then don't punish her for it. *Your post makes it sound like she's doing something wrong, wanting a baby.* In YOUR judgment, she may want a child "for the wrong reasons." Maybe, maybe not. She needs to explore why she is having these feelings--and if she continues to have them, the two of you should part ways. There is no compromise on this question, and I think you are very wise to know that it is wrong to father a child just for her satisfaction. If you do not want a child, do not have one.
> 
> *Just do not assume that you have any right to make that decision for her.*
> 
> People grow and change. It's not a crime. It just is what it is.


I agree that he cannot make the decision for her, but just curious if the roles were switched. Say just married and they agreed to no menage a trois and he changes his mind, wanting a threesome... I think he might get some flaming responses.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

occasionallybaffled said:


> I agree that he cannot make the decision for her, but just curious if the roles were switched. Say just married and they agreed to no menage a trois and he changes his mind, wanting a threesome... I think he might get some flaming responses.


You are equating wanting threesomes (bringing someone else into the marraige bed) to children?

:scratchhead:


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You are equating wanting threesomes (bringing someone else into the marraige bed) to children?
> 
> :scratchhead:


I guess I am. I think they both are extreme. Easy to see them both as absolutes/deal breakers before marriage (if it was agreed upon prior). So in that sense, yes. Technically, having a child is bringing someone else into the marriage... that would be unwanted by the other partner. I think both could end a marriage and in that way, they are comparable.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Wimps, if you don't mind me asking. How old are both of you. How long have you been married?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> You’ve both massively different lifetime dreams, goals, wants and needs. Haven’t a clue what age your wife is but the closer she gets to menopause the greater will be her calling to have children and if she doesn’t have them the greater her resentment. And the further you get away from your dream life as time goes by, the greater will be your resentment.
> 
> Keep on the way you are then you’ll both be scuppering one another’s plans to fulfil your individual dreams and the resentments you both have will be the source of constant shet testing between the two of you.
> 
> ...


 Your wife suddenly changes her mind after the wedding, you stayed steadfast. How can anyone harp on you -really, she changed the deal. But yet...

Unless AFEH's words stir you to consider fitting children into your life.... this will NEVER work...if she NOW has children in her heart, divorce is your only option...it's too BIG of a dream... And RESENTMENT will eat you both alive. No child should be brought into a home where he or she is not wanted either, spare them the misery. 

I KNEW deeply I wanted a large family before I walked down the aisle, I wouldn't have settled for a man who didn't happily want at least 3 children...I never changed my mind, neither did he. Had he, I would have left him and searched for another who had the same life goals, It meant EVERYTHING to me..... and it has been the most fullfilling thing on this earth... speaking as a Mother. 

There is a scripture, doesn't matter if you are religious or not, it speaks to the intensity -that insatiable desire for wanting children...read the comparisons... 



> Proverbs 30:16 *"The grave; and the barren womb; The earth that is not filled with water; And the fire that saith not, "It is enough."*
> 
> The grave is never satisfied. No matter how many are buried today, cemeteries will take more tomorrow. Though death cuts men down by the thousands, there is room for more. The grave never says, "It is enough!" It has an insatiable desire for the bodies of men.
> 
> ...


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## Orion09 (May 25, 2012)

Hey wimps, ur woman is acting naturally and normal, nature is calling for its dues, motherhood is lingering and whispering around her both in body and spirit. I think its every womans' desire to clusp her own bby in her bosom. If you Love Her, dont be STINGY, you can stil fulfil all u think u can have in life. But tel is there a time u would want to have them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Me too SimplyAmorous. From my teens I wanted my own family, an absolute key life goal of mine. As we all know sometimes things don’t work even with 100% commitment on both sides. But with one not even in the bath tub so to speak but standing on the outside looking in it’ll never work and as you so rightly say such a place is no place for children to grow and prosper.


Why the guy’s even being encouraged to change his mind over something so massive and life changing is way beyond me. Us men are far far more than a sperm donor and meal ticket to be manipulated and if we’re not in the game, we’re really not in the game.

He’d be far better off answering his “call to the wild” to travel and adventure if that’s what he has and settle down with a family once his travels are over if he decides it’s his time.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

wimps30 said:


> Basically, we dated for many years before we got married and we were both pretty vocal about not wanting kids.. a few days after getting married, she is " I think I want a baby"..
> 
> Right now she is leaving it open as a possibility, but I can see every time she is bored she brings it up again. I absolutely don't want kids, and I have no interest in them.
> 
> ...


Take a look at my post in the considering divorce forum.. I HATE kids.. and my wife agreed to marry me and not have any kids.. Lets just say she resented the fact that she married me and went off her birth control TO GET pregnant and then to up her chances she slept around...

If you are not in lock step and in total agreement on this, it will end bad..

If you are 100% sure you want NO kids.. then GET CUT NOW!!! Don't let her dictate what your future will be...get the vasectomy and get it NOW!!!


DONT END UP LIKE ME!!!! DONT!!! GET CUT OR GET OUT ASAP!!!! IT WILL NOT WORK!!!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What I don’t get is why on earth a woman would want a father for her children who in fact has made it very clear that he doesn’t want to be a father. I do wonder what is going on in such a woman’s head, what their motivations are, what they can possibly be.

As we all know it’s not just about “babies”. It is a lifetime commitment that requires a massive investment in time, money, energy, compromises and yes sacrifices from the man if he’s to be any good in his roles as husband and father.

Why ask for such things from a man who is totally unprepared to give them? Who has in fact said doing so would make him unhappy as he could not fulfil his dream. These things are way beyond me.

Surely the would be mother serves herself, her husband and her prospective children much better by being with a man who actually wants to be a father?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Here's the same advice I gave you in the Gen Rel area:

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS WOMAN until she works on her issues!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> If she has changed her mind, then don't punish her for it. Your post makes it sound like she's doing something wrong, wanting a baby. In YOUR judgment, she may want a child "for the wrong reasons." Maybe, maybe not. She needs to explore why she is having these feelings--and if she continues to have them, the two of you should part ways. There is no compromise on this question, and I think you are very wise to know that it is wrong to father a child just for her satisfaction. If you do not want a child, do not have one.
> 
> Just do not assume that you have any right to make that decision for her.
> 
> People grow and change. It's not a crime. It just is what it is.


While I agree with this in principle, the fact that she changed her mind a few days after the wedding is not insignificant. She almost certainly got married knowing she wanted children. That she did not discuss that with you prior to getting married is a problem. 

Nevertheless, you have to decide whether you have a child with her and risk your resentment, don't have a kid and risk her resentment, or agree to split to each find someone that can make you happy. I don't recommend the first option because it imposes on an innocent third child.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Read his other thread about his wife moving across country for jobs she hates and takes it out on him and he just goes along with it.

Don't get her pregnant, OP. Not even an OOPS.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Op, get a vasectomy and then get a divorce.

You`ve been bait & switched.
This is not a woman you want in your life.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, same dude. OK, yeah, just go your separate ways. Two major issues this early, time to bail.

But a man wanting a threesome is like a woman wanting a baby? Hardly. A man wanting sex is like a woman wanting a baby. A man wanting a threesome is like a woman wanting triplets. Yeah, you can want all you want, but it's not likely to happen.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Op, get a vasectomy and then get a divorce.
> 
> You`ve been bait & switched.
> This is not a woman you want in your life.


YES, YES, YES!!! GET CUT!!! 

Or you will forever taking care of a person that you don't want. I've heard all the arguments about once its born and holds your hand..blah..blah..blah...

I KNOW I dont want kids and if the OP is the same way, all you will get is a life you don't want and never,ever be happy...

Get cut and watch her run.. I'm sure that once you are not capable of having a kid, she will leave you. You must be prepared for the relationship to end...which it will if you are both not 100% onboard with this..

I emplore you.. DONT chicken out or get talked out of a vasectomy like I did... get it done, then tell your wife and watch what she does.. 10 to 1 that she will blow up at you and start packing...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband and I have decided not to have children. I would have had my tubes tied, but where I live a doctor will not tie the tubes of a woman who is under 30 with no children. Tubal ligation is much harsher on a woman than a vasectomy is for a man, so my husband went under the knife. 

I have not changed my mind about not having kids and when I think of our decision, I feel a great deal of peace. I have my nieces and my kitten to nurture and I have learned to close my ears to nasty comments about our childfreedom.

There is nothing wrong with your wife wanting children. If you don't feel the same way, it is best to divorce rather than becoming a reluctant father. 

Birth control is not foolproof, however it is _almost _perfect if used consistently and diligently. I have been on the pill or shot since I was 17-never had an accident. I strongly suspect that at least half of all "pill pregnancies" are secretly planned by the woman. Some females are manipulative and try to use babies to trap men. I know one woman who had THREE kids for that purpose-she is engaged to her third child's father and he proposed right after the baby was born. Think he didn't feel obligated?


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