# my husband won't man up



## tammycat

My husband just got fired from his 5th job in as many years. We have 2 young children and he has not worked for half of their lives. He does not take responsibility for any of the job losses and says it was always the company screwing him over. He has spent almost $75,000 in credit cards and won't show me what he spent the money on, but tells me it was nothing. He says he has a hard time sharing this information with me. His parents have been giving us money to pay bills, but they will not encourage him to look at the real picture. I think he's depressed and I'm sad to say very lazy. He does not help out around the house and basically sits around all of the time. I can't imagine that he's a "worker" when he does have a job. Right now he's blaming his bad luck on the economy, but still won't look at his role in getting fired every time. He will be 42 in a couple of months and I don't think he will ever get it. I need help. I just completed my doctorate and I am always praised for my work ethic. I was in school full time with both pregnancies and now my children are 4 and 2. I hate that my kids see his work ethic. I want him to get help for depression, but he says he's fine. What should I do? Someone please help.


----------



## Blanca

wow he keeps getting fired and you have a doctorate. that is interesting. Has he always been like this? what attracted you to him in the first place? 

i think if he's always been like this, then he's not going to change unless something drastic happens. Especially if he has his parents to support him in his lifestyle. I mean, what incentive does he have to change? its been working out for him so far.


----------



## tammycat

it's so strange...i find it hard to remember what attracted me to him in the first place. I guess he made me laugh. We had fun together. But, when things got serious, I am so afraid that he showed his true colors. To know him, he is a nice and likeable man. I think that is why he gets hired, but then the boss sees his poor work and ethic and he's fired. I cannot really fire him because we have two kids together. If we didn't-it would be a no brainer and I would have been gone 3 jobs ago. He seems so pathetic and lost, but I really need to be able to rely on and respect my husband. I can't and I don't. He says things like-"don't worry-it's all going to be fine, I know it". I want to punch him in the face when he says it.


----------



## Blanca

tammycat said:


> He says things like-"don't worry-it's all going to be fine, I know it". I want to punch him in the face when he says it.


:rofl:

ya, i know what you mean. well, i think you'll just have to show him its not going to be just fine. of course he thinks everything is ok. he has no worries. he can get fired/hired, have mommy and daddy tell him its ok, and then live off you. 

im the vengeful type so id probably make his life a living hell, especially with that attitude. I would probably take him off my bank account, close his credit cards, and give him a small allowance. but i dont know if that's the best approach. he'll just end up hating you. like a kid, i guess. 

have you told him how this is affecting you, and that you are seriously considering if you can be with someoen like him?


----------



## tammycat

I probably yell that at him when I can get myself to actually speak to him. He knows that at this point, I cannot stand him, but I'm not willing to risk my children's happiness. I know that you shouldn't stay together for the children, but I also know that so many of us do just that. Thank you for responding. It's always nice to have feelings validated


----------



## Blanca

tammycat said:


> He knows that at this point, I cannot stand him, but I'm not willing to risk my children's happiness.


well im young, so maybe i dont know much, but i think this is a really admirable quality. I dont have any kids, and i dont really know the effects of divorce on kids, but i hear its pretty brutal. 

but certainly if you're going to stay in the relationship you'll want to do something about your temper and resentment. i dont know if its possible to be at peace in that sort of situation, but if you dont try, you'll end up becoming someone you dont like very much.


----------



## sunrise17

I know you want to do what's best for your kids - but divorce isn't necessarily that traumitizing unless you and your husband make it that way. It's MORE traumitizing for them to see you so unhappy, ridiculing him all the time, completely dissaproving of who he is - and HIM of course, being lazy, not being reliable whatsoever - the whole dynamic you have going on isn't healthy for children. Divorce can be a blessing in disguise. It's not really about "Do you WANT to divorce him?" but more about "Do you have the COURAGE to divorce him?" Any psychiatrist will tell you that he won't change - and if you're this unhappy 10 years in, it won't get any better unless something drastic happens. Maybe you should try a separation to see if he gets his life on track with his family on the line. If not, I think someone as intelligent and hard-working as you deserves someone who works just has hard for the family. Just remember that "marriage" isn't always what is best for children. Happiness is!


----------



## 28girls

What has happened with your situation? My husband is doing the same thing. He has been fired from 3 jobs in two years and is on the verge again. He blames the job, the trainers, the company, but never blames himself. I can't keep living like this, we have two small children as well. And the thought of not seeing them every day kills me. I don't know what to do.


----------



## marriedtoloser

Hi Tammycat, I have a husband just like you. Cant hold a job and cant get this family stable. I believe Im just here for the kids and once they are grown I will leave. Thats if I can stand it for that long. I, like you, have been supporting my household and am tired of being with this 41 yr old loser. To top it off, the guy wont stick by his family while his mother puts the kids and I down... But yet we are here sticking by him in hope that he might man up and take care of this family like a real man would. God, just writing this makes me want to pack up my kids and leave. We were going to try counseling but whats the point... Will the counselor put a spell on my husband the loser to instantly make him a man??? doubtfully  I guess I have a decision to make... Stay with a loser and continue to yell and stress out or leave him and try to make the best of things even if my kids find me at fault for leaving.


----------



## trey69

This post was from 2009 , not sure if the OP has checked back in since then.


----------



## tacoma

Tammycat, just so you know I agree that divorce is far too difficult on kids BUT.... Your kids are young enough that they would probably be just fine once adjusted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

Maybe he lost his book?


----------



## jayde

nice777guy said:


> Maybe he lost his book?


Hilarious!


----------



## nice777guy

I'm just here to help...it feels good...


----------



## DanF

When a man in his 40's has not figured out how to keep a job, he isn't going to learn it. We have a word for people like that - LOSER!-
You three women that all mentioned it here need to "woman up" and take care of yourselves. Get out and move on.
"But the children" you say. What's worse, living without a full time sperm doner (these losers aren't fathers. Father's nurture their children and teach their children to be productive members of society. What are these losers teaching their kids?) or learning to be adults and be a force in life?
For you, ladies, you all deserve a capable and supporting husband, not these pieces of crap that are perpetual sponges.

I know an ex H of a friend that is just like your men. He screams discrimination and racism at every job he has ever had. He is now unemployable in his field because word has spread that he's lazy and will sue if called on it. His wife (thankfully) left him and took their son, who is now a teenager and sees what a loser his Dad is. The boy is doing great, the Mom is doing fine, and the Dad drives a cab when he gets real hungry. No child support, contact with the boy only when Dad wants something.
These men and their ilk are just sorry. Get out.


----------



## that_girl

nice777guy said:


> Maybe he lost his book?


 :rofl:


----------



## Soccerfan73

nice777guy said:


> Maybe he lost his book?


:lol:


----------

