# Everything can change so quickly...



## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

I started visiting this forum about three weeks ago, when I first suspected my wife was having an EA. I didn't have proof, but I knew she wasn't being honest with me.

She started becoming distant a month ago. All the red flags were there. She started working very late every night, she had a new group of friends including males. About a week ago, upon glancing at her cell phone, I saw the first real sign that something was going on. One of her new male friends, after she sent him a text asking what he was doing, he replied with "I'm in bed now. I wish you were here with me." She didn't respond directly to this, just talked about being out with her other friends. When I saw this message, I confronted her, and she said that she didn't even notice that and she didn't reply to him about that. Trusting her, I let it go.

Over the next few days, I noticed she frequently visited his facebook page and texted him. She started listening to music completely different from what she had listened to before. I hinted to her that I wasn't comfortable with how close she seemed to be with this man.

Four days ago, we had a big fight. I told her I didn't appreciate how distant she was being, and told her that I was suspicious of this friend of hers. She apologized and said she has just been stressed and would try to make more time with me. I asked her to promise me she would not become so close to this man, and she told me they barely talked and they wouldn't talk anymore.

I frequently checked her cell phone over the next two days. The last text message from him was from right before our last fight. I still felt suspicious.

Well, my instincts proved to be right. Yesterday, I checked the phone bill (her phone is in my name). She had been texting him very frequently and deleting all the recent messages so it appeared to me that she had stopped.

I was at work, but I couldn't control myself. I sent her a message immediately that I knew she had lied to me about him, and after quite a bit of angry words, I told her she would need to pack her clothes and leave by the end of the day. She replied that she was so sorry and that she doesn't know how I found out and that she wanted to tell me everything. I said that she can tell me whatever she wants while she packs.

She was already home, and crying, when I got there. Words were said, and she begged me to allow her to tell the truth. So, it turns out it was not only an EA but a PA as well. The PA started two weeks ago, and they had been together "more than 5 times".

I have never been so hurt in my life. The details of the PA make me physically sick. The worst and most insulting incident:

Last week, my wife called me to pick her up from work (she doesn't drive). I drove the 15 minutes to her work, and called her from the parking lot. She said "I'm sorry I really need to work on something, can you come get me later?" Annoyed, I went home and waited. She came home about two hours later. She was very friendly to me, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I found out later that she was with him. I was waiting outside to pick her up, and she sent me away so she could cheat on me. I found this out because she forgot her phone in his car that day. She said one of her female friends had driven her home, but I later saw on her facebook that she told her female friend she had left her phone in that man's car, and she hinted that they had been physical that evening, and that it was not the first time.

I hate that this happened to me. I feel like my life is over. I suffer from bipolar disorder, and last night was one of the worst episodes in my life. I ended up smashing dishes, boxes, everything I could get my hands on. I broke the TV. The police came. My wife sent them away - I would never hurt her, but my disease prevents me from acting rationally. I ended up having to leave because it become a full blown psychiatric emergency. I had to be treated by an on-call doctor who gave me sedatives and told me to sleep it off and see my doctor in the morning.

Since I was already gone, I stayed gone. I went to my mother's house. She drove me back to our home so I could get my meds, and when I walked in my wife was sitting on the couch with a female friend, who was there to comfort her. I just got my meds, packed a bag. She tried to talk to me, and I just told her how hurt I was. Said the same story over and over. She insists that she cares about me and loves me, but I don't know how you can love someone and still cheat on them, especially when they are waiting outside for you.

I left, but last night was an endless stream of furious and hurt texts. I just can't stop telling her how hurt I am. At least she has the decency to cry and be remorseful. 

Last night I went public as much as I could, out of pure fury. Unfortunately I could only do it via phone or facebook, but I confronted the other man, her friends who knew and didn't stop her, told her other friends that didn't know, and I contacted the other man's girlfriend.

I hate her so much, but I still care deeply about her. She is 8 years younger than me, and doesn't have a quarter of the life experiences that I do. I hate what she did to me, but I can't help but think that I have made many mistakes in my life... and if I can't forgive her, why do I deserve other people's forgiveness for the times I have wronged them.

I agreed to meet her today, and we spent about three hours talking to her. I gave her my conditions. I told her she must agree to them before I even begin to consider reconciliation. I told her she must immediately stop all contact with the other man, and that entire circle of friends with the exception of two women who I hope will be good for her. I told her she must not develop or maintain a close friendship or relationship with any males, and she was not to be alone with another male for any reason. Finally, I asked her to write me a letter. She must fully disclose all the details of her affair, agree to the terms I set forth, and tell me her plan for reconciliation. I told her that I will agree to meet with her again once that document is written, and we can enter counseling and attempt a reconciliation, but also that my primary focus at the moment is my own mental health and keeping my job (my bipolar episode forced me to miss work today)

Forgive me if my writing is too long or doesn't make sense. I'm not in a very clear frame of mind. I desperately want to be able to some day forgive my wife for what she's done to me, but at the moment I can't see how that will ever happen. But, I guess I have already made progress. Two days ago I was in the mindset that I would send her packing for even an EA. I never would have guessed I would even agree to meet with her again after learning of a PA. It's easy to say you'll never forgive, but life is not so black and white. This last month aside, I have been at my happiest and healthiest due to my relationship with my wife. We are separated for the time being, but I told her that if she agreed to my conditions and did the things I asked of her, I would be willing to meet with her, go to counseling, and possibly schedule some dates together. As long as she commits and is dedicated, I don't see why we can't build a new foundation and find a happy life together.

It doesn't dull the pain though. It REALLY hurts.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That is horrible.


Do you have kids? Also ages of you guys?


Could you verify what she said?(That it was 5 times.). There are programs that can extract deleted messages from her phone. Tell her that and ask her to come clean. Make sure that you have the complete truth before you attempt R.


I would also advise that you take some time to decide if you want to R. many take the decision to reconcile too early and under go years of hell.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your here, but it sound like you have been lurcking here and I think your confrontation was effective.
If the OM was a coworker I suggest she quit, the money is not worth the marriage.
Has *she* made an appointment for IC/MC?
Have you been able to confirm that she has stop all contact with OM?

You know the routine, so follow up and confirm her commitment.

For now take care of your self and ask for some time off from work due to family emegency. Try to eat and take some Advile PM so you can get some sleep.

This is just the start of the emotional rollercoast ahead of you. Don't strees you have time to make some big dicision, now is not the time to make any kind of dicision that will effect the rest of your life. Give your self some time for your head to clare. Belive me you will start to think alittle clearer within a few days.

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters.

Take a breath and breath


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Both of you need to get tested for STD's

And your exposer was good also, again I believe you had a very effective confrontation. Now take the time to clear your head.


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

The letter I told her she must write to me prior to any reconciliation attempts must include full disclosure. I don't believe she will hold anything back, because she believes I know more than I do. She is far less sneaky than she thinks she is, and is not very technically inclined. She already believes that I am some kind of wizard/spy for catching her. I am aware of the text message recover programs, though, and will not hesitate to use them should I have any doubts. My #1 priority is protecting myself.

We have no kids.

She is 20, I am 28. We have been married 18 months. A lot of people will say I am foolish for marrying someone so young, but I haven't regretted it until now. That is also probably the primary reason I am willing to reconcile. She is young and young people make foolish mistakes. I made many. As long as she makes the effort and proves she can be honest, then I am willing to attempt the path to forgiveness. I learned a very hard lesson about personal integrity when I was in the Army. I shared that with her, and told her that the only way we will ever have a relationship again is if she does the right thing for the right reason, no matter where I am.

Can't change the past, right? Can only do the best we can with what we have.

I want to reconcile, despite my pain, so long as she is willing to meet my terms and make an effort.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You still need to validat that effort


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

I will certainly do so. Thank you for the advice.

I believe this forum is an incredible resource. 

I am hurting, but reading everyone's stories here, and all the advice people are given, has really helped me.

Now I just need someone to teach me how to stop imagining them together. I can't get the graphic picture out of my head and it is eating me alive.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It was 2 yrs ago when I was were you are at now.

Imagine him farting when there kissing, or how clumbs and what a clown he looked like.....imagine him wearing a clown suit. Really it worked for me.

Do not let this define you, you are a way better man and lover, you can make your women feel good, its not on the fly. If you know what I mean?

Force those thought out and replace them with a montra " I diserve to be happy" or "I diserve good things"say this over and over again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

dauntless said:


> The letter I told her she must write to me prior to any reconciliation attempts must include full disclosure. I don't believe she will hold anything back, because she believes I know more than I do. She is far less sneaky than she thinks she is, and is not very technically inclined. She already believes that I am some kind of wizard/spy for catching her. I am aware of the text message recover programs, though, and will not hesitate to use them should I have any doubts. My #1 priority is protecting myself.
> 
> We have no kids.
> 
> ...


Divorce and remarry when she gets to 25 if you guys are still feeling it. Date in the mean time. Marriage at 18 is almost always bad. I'm pretty sure she wanted to know what else is out there. That is often the cause of cheating in women that married too young. They doubt themselves that they settled and fish for prospects. And they don't find it too hard considering how easy it is for women to find someone interested in them.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*"she had a new group of friends including males." *

How did this come about?

How did she meet the other man?

Did she pursue him or did he pursue her?

What made her want to cheat after only 18 months of marriage?

You confronted her with her behavior, specifically that she was too close to the other man, she lied to you that she barely spoke to him and she was hiding her contact with him, deleting texts. *Even knowing you were suspicious, she was not too afraid to get caught and possibly lose you*. She didn't end it with the other man for fear of getting caught and losing you at that point. *The only reason she stopped the affair was because you caught her and threatened to divorce her*.

How dependent is she upon you? She doesn't drive, so you must drive her everywhere? Her phone is in your name? Is she financially dependent on you? If you divorced her, where would she go? Could she support herself? 

You are understanding that she is young and you made mistakes when you were young, too. This is a dynamic that is not part of most marriages. Are you playing the role of father in addition to husband? How does she see you, more in the father role, or husband role?

I would suggest having her handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man. The letter should state how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for having risked losing her husband and her marriage, which mean more than anything else in the world to her. The letter should state that she does not want the other man to ever contact her again and that if he does, she will file harassment charges against him.

You should tell her that no contact also includes her not looking at his facebook profile. Also, that if he ever does try to contact her again, she should not respond and tell you immediately.

Prepare yourself for what you will do if she breaks no contact or any one of your other conditions. It seems that you might have been in a bit of a father role in addition to the husband role, more so than in most marriages. Now, you will be monitoring her communications and dictating where she can go and with whom - which is normal for a time to rebuild trust after cheating has been discovered - but she may perceive you even more as a father figure and rebel against you.

You've done well so far, try your best going forward, but keep in mind that you might not be able to get over it and ultimately, you cannot control how she thinks or what she does, you can only control your actions and reactions to her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

dauntless said:


> She is young and young people make foolish mistakes. I made many. As long as she makes the effort and proves she can be honest, then I am willing to attempt the path to forgiveness.


Sorry, but just because someone is young it doesn't mean that her wrongdoings are justified.
There are other girls of her age that are more matured and more responsible than her.
If you think she's young and she has a lot to learn, you shouldn't have married her in the first place! 
You should have let her live her life, make all the mistakes she wanted to make and after she was done with that she could have married you. 
These are the risks of getting married to someone of that age, nevertheless there are no excuses for what she did. 
Someone who claims to love you doesn't / should not act like she did!

She proved to be a good liar so think twice before reconciliation!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

From the look of things, she is far from being marriage material and you need to let go of her.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Have to say Dauntless, you did it the right way.
Don't stress abdout being stressed, it's perfectly normal, and don't rush into any decisions - god knows I did. I wished I'd taken my time - I'd have saved myself a lot of grief and taken control of things faster strangely enough.

Lol, at Mori's avitar


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

i agree with morituri. She is way too young . I married at 29 yet i felt i was still not ready to settle down. She will do it again. Get used to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I wish more people could see how effectively you handled this. It's still possible she hasn't told you the full truth, but a strong reaction with clear consequences got her to confess the PA ON HER OWN right away, if I understand you correctly. That is practically unheard of.

You still have the separate issue of determining whether or not to reconcile. Only you can know whether that makes sense.

If you do plan to reconcile, you will need MC. Find an MC who is well-educated on infidelity issues. Otherwise you will get stuck with an MC who ignores the past and focuses on the wrong things--a waste of time and money. (Speaking from experience--I've had both kinds!) They need to focus on processing your grief and anger over the affair with her sitting right there with you. (You should also be going to IC so you can share your darkest thoughts uncensored--I found that invaluable.)

There's the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and a new book my MC just recommended that I haven't read yet but the reviews are good--Staying Together When an Affair Pulls you Apart. 

There are various books and methods for getting closer and improving your marriage--but some of this is for a little ways down the road. First things first.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I feel a kindred spirit in you as we have many similarities


I am also bipolar (since i am older my disorder is under better control but it wouldn't surprise if I smashed everything at age 28 if it happened to me at that age)

My wife also had a work place affair that lasted the same time period 

My wife also begged to R 

My first reaction was also to D but reconsidered and took my time before committing to R and laid down some conditions/rules


thus, I recommend you click the not only the newbie link in my signature but also the My Story link


I do also wish to point out that we do have 2 major differences that should be factored into the equation

1) you don't have kids
2) you are in a relatively young marriage

Infidelity can take years to fully heal from, you really have to weigh the time spent in the marriage vs the time spent rebuilding from such a breach of trust. I can't honestly say if that it would be worth it, but that decision is yours to make.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you had kids and years and years invested with her, I would probably suggest AR's route, but at your age, put on those size 12s and send her flying out the door.

It's possible she'll become the greatest wife but would you rather have a person who loves you as much as you love them. Or would you rather be with someone who'll only love you after sleeping with someone else.

My wife picked choice #2, probably wasn't the best choice for her at the time since we also were just married and had no kids. I tell her to this day, I truly am grateful for her taking me back but if one day she has to just flip me the finger and say it wasn't worth it then I'll wish her the best. It'll probably break my heart at this point but she does deserve better than what I have given her.

Why, because no matter what I do, it'll NEVER be ablt to give her 100%. I can come close at 99.9% but I can never say I gave 100% to her. And in my heart she deserved 100% from someone because that's what she's given me all these years.

OMG, I just made myself tear up so I'm gonna stop the post here.


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your advice and perspectives.

Many of my feelings have been validated, and those opinions which have not clicked with me, have still given me an important perspective to consider as my life proceeds.

I met with her after work today and we had a long confusing conversation, but I was pretty set on immediate separation and D. I had, however, already made an appointment with a relationship therapist, and we were both feeling pretty crappy, so we decided it couldn't hurt to just go and maybe get some closure and advice for moving on.

The therapist was fantastic. She backed me 100% but did it in a way that did not set my wife on the defensive, but still made it clear she had done very wrong. She supported my conditions for reconciliation and explained to my wife why I was not being unreasonable, again, without making my wife feel threatened, and my wife began to come around.

We left the therapy session with the natural high associated with really good therapy. We agreed to sleep on it for a couple days and see how we feel then and if we want to continue therapy together or if we will continue our separation and proceed to D.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So how about the letter you asked her to write?
Does that all depend on the dicision you make in the next day or two?
Or is she willing to write out what you need no matter if its R or D?


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

She wrote the letter but broke down, unable to write it. 

I accepted it as-is because it had enough of what I needed and wanted, and more than enough incriminating details should the need arise for whatever reason.

I'm doing my best to control the mind movies. If it were not for them, I would actually be in pretty fantastic shape right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Dauntless, kudos to you. You have behaved in a mature, rational fashion. I'm sure your bipolar disorder does not make that easy. You wife, on the other hand has behaved like an adolescent, which she is. I heard a discussion yesterday regarding brain development, which continues into the mid-20's. Many people do not seem to develop that part of their brain that we call the conscience until the mid-20's. I won't presume to advise you on whether to proceed w/ divorce, but this marriage has a lot going against it. Continue with therapy. You'll find the right path for you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

most of us bipolars are smart, so I'm not surprised...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Being married is very challenging and not for those young enough who have not really experienced life. You married a girl, not a woman.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> Last week, my wife called me to pick her up from work (she doesn't drive). I drove the 15 minutes to her work, and called her from the parking lot. She said "I'm sorry I really need to work on something, can you come get me later?" Annoyed, I went home and waited. She came home about two hours later. She was very friendly to me, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. I found out later that she was with him.* I was waiting outside to pick her up, and she sent me away so she could cheat on me.* I found this out because she forgot her phone in his car that day. She said one of her female friends had driven her home, but I later saw on her facebook that she told her female friend she had left her phone in that man's car, and she hinted that they had been physical that evening, and that it was not the first time.


this really sticks in my craw.

the ultimate insult!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dauntless said:


> She wrote the letter but broke down, unable to write it.
> 
> *I accepted it as-is *because it had enough of what I needed and wanted, and more than enough incriminating details should the need arise for whatever reason.
> 
> ...


Instead of knowing each detail or not, shouldn't it be about her giving full disclosure on her own? Crying or not.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

That sucks so bad bro. Please don't dillute yourself, You got a lemon.

I know you love her, but she's broken man. I know this sounds cold and callous but someday you will understand, she did you a favor.

Let it go.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Dauntless, if there is any one "good," thing about this situation, it's that you handled it about as well as any human being could possibly be expected to. 

Please take care of yourself during all of this, okay? I know it may not seem like it right now, but you will get thru this bigger and better than ever.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> most of us bipolars are smart, so I'm not surprised...


Almost, I've read your thread, and agree that you have a lot on the ball. Didn't mean to offend. My daughter is also bipolar, and sometimes managing stress can be a challenge.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

river rat said:


> Almost, I've read your thread, and agree that you have a lot on the ball. Didn't mean to offend. My daughter is also bipolar, and sometimes managing stress can be a challenge.



well I was being facetious

sorry to hear about your daughter, my younger son also has a mood disorder, damn genetics


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

Today is day 4 since D-Day. 

My moods have been complicated, naturally. My doctor has increased my meds and I believe that is helping to numb my feelings. I have an appointment next Thu. with an IC. I am going to make another appointment next week with the MC. My wife has also agreed to go to IC.

The biggest challenge remains the mental movies. I've really been struggling. I did really well yesterday morning. I just repeated a mantra to myself every time I felt the thoughts beginning to appear. After lunch, however, my mind was too tired to stop them, and the images ran wild. This morning I could not stop them either.

I saw her last night. We ate dinner and took a very long walk. My run-rampant mental movies had left me with a lot of questions, and she answered them. I believe she was being honest, as none of the answers to my questions were particularly reassuring. Full disclosure can't be particularly reassuring, I'm betting. Although I am 100% aware that none of the blame belongs fo me, I can't help but curse myself when I look back. The first time they had sex was at a party one month ago. She asked me to go with her several times. It had been a 50 hour workweek for me so I just didn't feel up to it. I asked her not to go, but at the time I felt that I had no right to restrict her. If I had gone, this wouldn't have happened. Several times over the last few months we've had arguments and we both felt like we could have benefitted from MC. But we never went. If I had only made an appointment, this probably wouldn't have happened. 

I'm trying not to, but I know I've been doing a fair bit of rugsweeping. I find myself having to do so, just so I can even attempt to justify to myself and my friends why I have not yet put her on the curb. I know a lot of you have given me that very advice. And I've given myself that same advice. But I feel like there is something here worth saving, and she has shown that she is willing to meet my conditions. Of course I must verify, but there is full transparency. I have access to her phone and all of her passwords. Due to the swift shock and awe of my exposure, there is little to no chance of them attempting to start things back up. There's way too many angry friends and coworkers. Plus, he's busy with his own relationship problems at the moment.

I'm also struggling with hysterical bonding. I want to be with her. I want to kiss her and have sex with her. But I also know that I probably can't do either without imagining them doing the same. I told her this. I know it's probably not something I should be after at this point, but I just want to. I guess part of it is the desire to reclaim what was once exclusively my territory. The other part is a longing for the comfort of intimacy - maybe a desire for what we used to have. We have held hands and hugged, but that is it so far. I tried to kiss her last night, but she said we should take it slow - she doesn't want me to think of them. She's probably right, but of course the little demon in the dark depths of my mind can't help but wonder "is it because she just doesn't want to kiss me? is SHE thinking of him? is she hanging on tightly to her feelings for him?"

Step by step, I guess. It's been a long week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> I tried to kiss her last night, but she said we should take it slow - she doesn't want me to think of them.


Red Flag


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do the hysterical bonding it will be weird at first but the more you have sex the more you can overcome the mind movies and intimacy is essential to healing

also try this for the mind movies-

insert the absurd into the movie

imagine OM as a clown or dripping in puss, whatever it is that will allow you to make the movie silly


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

dauntless said:


> Although I am 100% aware that none of the blame belongs fo me, I can't help but curse myself when I look back. The first time they had sex was at a party one month ago. She asked me to go with her several times. It had been a 50 hour workweek for me so I just didn't feel up to it. I asked her not to go, but at the time I felt that I had no right to restrict her. If I had gone, this wouldn't have happened.


NO!!!! She's not a child! Stop blaiming yourself.
You're not her parent to control every step she takes because of being afraid she might make mistakes along the way.
Do you always have to keep an eye on her ? If yes then she's not worth it. Move on.
That sounds very stressful. What she did shouldn't have happened whether you were there or not! Period. 





> I tried to kiss her last night, but she said we should take it slow - she doesn't want me to think of them.


WTF??
She should have been thankful to you for wanting to kiss her!!!!
What's wrong with her?! 
The one who decides whether to take it slowly or not IS YOU, not her!!! You are the one who need to take his time, NOT HER!!!!
So if you took your time and you decided to kiss her then she should have thanked God and kissed you right away, instead!!

I'm afraid she was thinking about him again....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I had sex right of way I had to be better then the mind movies, I wasn't about "do it on the run". I took my time and made sure I was the better lover, I pushed all the right buttons that 20 years of marriage taught me.

It wasn't so much about fWW and OM as much as what I had to do do prove to my self that I had what it takes and showed what see will miss if I catch her again.

Sex is the glue brother, both of you need to get past it and show your fWW whos boss! There was even some role playing involved and some lite punishment, but thats just me.

If she refuses then you can get back to the tough love approach and ask her to leave, do a hard 180 and file, or take it. (not recommended)

If both of you want this then intamacy is just as important as her consequences.

Soon she will need to be rewarded for her effort (if there are any) and I can't think of any better reward then sex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She should have jumped at the chance to kiss you.

I think she is falsely in attempted R with you. She is still rejecting you in preference to him.

Major red flag there. I think you shoud try agsin and if you get the same rejection, then explain to her you understand how ishe must feel. Like she is betraying her affair partner,NAND that it's clear she isnt really willing to do the work necessary to earn her way to a seed chance.

Tell her its over, you're going to file for divorce and move onl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## profos (Apr 19, 2012)

dauntless said:


> The therapist was fantastic. She backed me 100% but did it in a way that did not set my wife on the defensive, but still made it clear she had done very wrong. She supported my conditions for reconciliation and explained to my wife why I was not being unreasonable, again, without making my wife feel threatened, and my wife began to come around.


I don't like this part at all. Sounds like your therapist was handling your wife with kid gloves, so as not to put her on the defensive, and because she was so fantastic, only then did your wife "begin to come around". Where was she before she "came around". Why is she the one that has to be pampered so as not to get defensive, why is she the one that finally started to come around?? She's the one who screwed up, not you!



dauntless said:


> If I had gone, this wouldn't have happened. Several times over the last few months we've had arguments and we both felt like we could have benefitted from MC. But we never went. If I had only made an appointment, this probably wouldn't have happened.


Seriously? You think it's your fault that the sex happened with her and the other guy because you didn't go to the party? You went to work to pick her up, and guess what? She told you to leave and the sex happened. It would have happened anyway, it DID happen and it's not because you did or didn't do something. 



dauntless said:


> I tried to kiss her last night, but she said we should take it slow


Yup, just like in the therapists office, it's all about her. She's calling the shots, she's running the show. This is extremely bad. You are not as nearly in control of this situation as you'd like to believe.



the guy said:


> It was 2 yrs ago when I was were you are at now.
> 
> Imagine him farting when there kissing, or how clumbs and what a clown he looked like.....imagine him wearing a clown suit. Really it worked for me.


How does imagining the guy who f*cked your wife farting or wearing a clown suit help you get over the devastation of an affair?


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

profos, thank you for your harsh but honest perspective.

I do agree with you now about the therapist.

After a rough day at work which was essentially 7 hours of heart wrenching mind movies, I had decided it wasn't worth it. I left work early, intending to get home before she did so I could gather a few more items and be done. Unfortunately, she was early too. Words were said, and at one point she attempted to use the defense of "well the therapist said sometimes affairs happen because one person wasn't getting enough attention". That set me off, and I spent the next two hours relentlessly unraveling every shred of every thought she had built up in her brain to justify her actions and make herself feel better. I reminded her of the day I broke down and begged her to come home and spend some more time with me, and she said "Well, I'll try but I'm really busy these days.." and proceeded to cheat on me a day or two later. At the end of that week, maybe 4-5 days before D-Day, I attempted to initiate sex with her. She stopped me saying it hurt too much. When I asked why, she said probably because we hadn't had sex in weeks. Obviously, that wasn't the case for her, and adds ultimate insult to injury now that I get to imagine that he was so much better endowed than I am that he made her so sore she couldn't even have sex with me.

While it was probably not productive, it felt damn good to see her totally lose it, collapse on the floor, and bury her head. I was ready to walk - ready to be done. She begged me to try one more therapy session, and begged me to let her show me she will follow all my conditions for reconciliation. I'm not convinced it is possible to R, and I'm not sure I'm willing, at the moment, to take another gamble on what is quite obviously a lame horse.

She asked me to stay for dinner and she cooked for me, and after dinner begged me to stay the night with her. I did, reluctantly, but I didn't touch her.

You can bet I'm going to be taking a more aggressive stance from now on. I had let myself rugsweep a bit too much. I can't let her forget I'm hurt and angry. I certainly will speak up more in the next therapy session to make sure she's not getting off the hook. Either way, I'm still perched on my fence. I'm not willing to commit myself 100% to R until I see her commit 150%.

Also, before anyone asks, the reason I'm the one who left and she's the one in the apartment is simple. Even if she has shown she is heartless.... even though I am very angry and very hurt, I am not heartless. Her closest family is more than 6000 miles away. Her friends are being as supportive as they can, but after my swift and explosive exposure of the affair, they are hesitant to involve themselves. A lot of her friends are very unhappy with her. So, as much as I would love to have kicked her to the curb, I'm not that cruel.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dauntless said:


> Also, before anyone asks, the reason I'm the one who left and she's the one in the apartment is simple. Even if she has shown she is heartless.... even though I am very angry and very hurt, I am not heartless. Her closest family is more than 6000 miles away. Her friends are being as supportive as they can, but after my swift and explosive exposure of the affair, they are hesitant to involve themselves. A lot of her friends are very unhappy with her. So, as much as I would love to have kicked her to the curb, I'm not that cruel.


....and without doing that she wont understand what it means to be by herself. You need to make her face hard consequence's NOW. So if you do R she'll have an idea of what will happen to her if she cheats agan. Friend you're just rug-sweeping hardcore.


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

keko said:


> ....and without doing that she wont understand what it means to be by herself. You need to make her face hard consequence's NOW. So if you do R she'll have an idea of what will happen to her if she cheats agan. Friend you're just rug-sweeping hardcore.


So I should put her out on the street to be homeless? I am genuinely asking. Is the logical and best step here to make her homeless while we attempt R?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dauntless said:


> So I should put her out on the street to be homeless? I am genuinely asking. Is the logical and best step here to make her homeless while we attempt R?


What you should or shouldn't do can only be determined by you. All Im saying is if you really want to salvage this marriage(for the long run) you need to make her face consequnce's and understand FULLY what she did.

If you're fine with her making you come pick her up from work while she screwed OM, then you should be fine with her being homeless for a while, minutes hours...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If she's truly NC with the OM, and you can verify this, then I agree kicking her out right now isn't the answer.

I think what keko senses, however, is that you are trying to just use threats of divorce or kicking her out. But there might still be a part of you that isn't ready to carry through.

We're just pointing out that you have to be ready to follow through, because many WSs do not hit rock bottom otherwise. WSs are drawn back to their affair--their fantasy life--like a moth to the flame. The pain and hurt of the loyal spouse WERE NEVER ENOUGH to stop the affair BEFORE the loyal spouse found out. So WHY should it be enough AFTERWARDS? I'm not saying that you are saying this--I really hope you're not. Because that logic is just baffling.

-----------------------

On the subject of the therapist: I'd work on finding someone else. We found our MC via referrals from a sex addiction / porn addiction therapy group. They also treat infidelity issues in marriages. My counselor pulled out the book that I had already read (Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass), talked about NC letters and exposure, and made me talk about the most hurtful things I had read in my WS's emails to the OW and discussed them very frankly with my WS sitting there and acknowledging the pain. It wasn't mean, or punitive. Just very matter-of-fact.

The kid glove approach is based on this assumption that you ruined the marriage so of course she went and got something on the side. Infidelity counseling is based on the theory that if the marriage is worth saving in the first place, it could not have been so bad that it could EVER justify the WS's choice to cheat. (Needless to say, I don't think there's ever a justification.)

Please look into some other counselor, the last thing you need is an 'objective third party' teaching your wife that you are to blame for her stupidity. The implicit message: if you don't like things down the road, feel free to do it again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your going to kick her to the curb at least give the benifit of the doubt and move back in and give it some time. See if she can give you 150%...I mean how can you tell if you guys aren't even living together.

Just like many guys here I took a big dumb on my fWW, in the 20 years of marriage I never laid into her that hards, even after the hysterical bonding I still had to go down that road for my self. We are the lucky guys to watch there wife crumble on the floor will the unlucky guys watch the WW walk out the door.

Who knows, maybe its the other way around, but were me, beowulf and someother guys are sitting, we have come out ahead.


I just think you get back home give it a go and if it doesn't work then send her back home...knowing you at least tried.

thats my $0.02




No back to your question
The visions I use helped me take a way the images of the acts. The big picture of her 2nd lifestyle of adultory is more harder to deal with. For me, after awhile it was just the behavior, after its all said in done, at the end of the day she had a very dangerous and unhealthy life style.

With that said, I have sat back and watched her go to IC, stay away from TF and make the changes that showed me true R. So everytime I start to think about her old life I force them out by looking at what she has become. 


The 1st year there were alot of MM but with her help they faded away. She told me some crazy stories about what she did and after awhile it just a bad porno to me. Sure I'm wired different then most with my views on sex. But as time pasted, and even now, it is more about her emotional weakness and just the simple fact that her moral compass created this kind of behavior.

I quess these days its not so much about the many details, as it is the big picture of were my fWW was at with her behavior in general.


The easiest way to say it is,that its more about why she did it instead what she did, and now I see a changed person, both in the mirror and laying next to me in bed.
I hope it makes sense to a very senseless issue such as adultory.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I simply don't see how this cannot be a deal breaker: She made you come back and pick her up again from work while she screwed the OM. This has to be one of the worst humiliations I have ever read. I bet if the roles were reversed she would be with an attorney right now.

I really think that one of the reasons why she felt she could do this to you was that deep in the back of her mind she felt if she got caught, you would still forgive her anyway so she really had nothing to lose. 
This had to be the ultimate in disrespect toward you and your marriage. Like I always say: If you do not respect yourself then who will? Have you both been tested for STD's?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I though she got a ride from a girl friend when she came back home. At the end of the day she cheated and now you are on the fence. Its up to you to investigate her commitment and see if she is taking the action to repair this. Living apart wont' you give you the confirmation to through her to curb.

Lets avoid some regret and take the step to make sure you can walk away from this knowing you tried everything.

BTW is your WW willing to quit her job?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

the guy said:


> BTW is your WW willing to quit her job?


:iagree:

You might want to get feedback from her regarding changing jobs. Her willingness to do so is a positive sign, if not then you can start by packing her bags.


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I simply don't see how this cannot be a deal breaker: She made you come back and pick her up again from work while she screwed the OM. This has to be one of the worst humiliations I have ever read. I bet if the roles were reversed she would be with an attorney right now.


Trust, me, this has been in my head a lot. There are a couple instances of equal humiliation in what she did over the last month. I think I am more furious and hurt by the details of these events more so than the actual sex she had. Although I didn't go pick her up again that night, OM drove her home and she lied and said it was her female coworker. That doesn't lessen the sting of the humiliation.

Once again, I really appreciate everyone's responses. I know that everyone has different perspectives and some are hard line and some are more forgiving. If I do chose R, I recognize it could take a long time. My marriage is a young one, but who knows how long it will take to heal, especially with my mood disorder to consider. As I looked down at her on the floor last night, her will and confidence broken after two hours of relentless berating, I asked her if she was ready to spend what could possibly be years giving 150% to our relationship. She wants to try. I'm still on the fence.

As for her not recognizing the consequences, I think she gets it. I'm not letting her off easily, and she knows very well she is one phone call away from being gone - (She has a plane ticket booked to visit her family at the end of May. That's an easy phone call to move that ticket up to this week.) No, I won't put her on the street. I am, however, fully prepared to have her gone, and she does know this.

I believe that through MC and IC, she will reach a place where I can forgive her. She is in a place right now where I don't think I could ever forgive her. She's going to need to work hard at this, we both are. I'm furious. I'm hurt. I would love the simple satisfaction of seeing her hopeless and alone with nowhere to go. Those are not, however, productive emotions. I'm trying to be the better human. Better than her, better than OM. I am protecting myself first, but I am not, as of right now, ruling out R completely. As long as she works at it and makes progress, I will keep that option on the table. D will always be on the table as well. She knows it now, and I won't let her forget it. Break NC, or caught in another lie, or failure to put adequate effort into our relationship, and it will be a swift D.



keko said:


> You might want to get feedback from her regarding changing jobs. Her willingness to do so is a positive sign, if not then you can start by packing her bags.



I will ask her next time we speak.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She needs to quit her job. You need to move back in. She can sleep on the couch until you are ready to let her back in your bed. 

You need to stay in control and make her feel the consequences for what she has done. If she cannot do what you need her to do, pack her bags and drop her off at the OMs place. Tell him he can take care of her and you are done. 

6000 miles? Where is she from?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She needs to quit the job since thats part of what enabled the affair. It's gone Monday. 

Is she trying to get you to have sex with you or is she holding out?

Has she surrendered her phone for you to inspect on demand and all her passwords?

The affairs seems to have been very intense I'm really wondering if she will really stay out of contact with him. 

Has she written and sent a no contact letter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please don't wait a week, now is the time she must have complete NC. She should quit her job
Until OM is completely out of the picture the marriage is in danger. Sorry brother, but until this happens it will be amatter of time, most likely right before she leave in May.
I could be wrong.

You do understand this is an addaiction?

You have little chance here , but only if she quits her job, and even then theres a small chance.

You guys are pushing fate if she remain at her current job.

I can see were you are coming from and your willing to except the the fact that if she gets back with OM then fine, it answers all your questions , right? But how will you know?

I'm just thinking that some preventitve maintence could be applied, and its not.

I quess it all boils done to what Mrs. Dauntless does and thats not a bad way to go, but what if you never really now and she goes deeper under ground and a year from now you kick your self b/c the both of didn't take this step to quit her job.


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

NC is already done and in effect.

Obviously she is only going to change if she recognizes her massive moral failure and chooses to change.

Before I unraveled her last night, I was getting an "I'm sorry I hurt you" vibe more than an "I'm sorry I did it" vibe. We will see if she tries to weave any more webs to attempt to make herself feel better. My priority is protecting myself. I have full access to her phone and all her passwords.

Any chance of success in R is going to depend heavily on MC and IC having a deep impact on her way of thinking. It is going to be a hard uphill battle for both of us.

Obviously, there will never be any way for me to be 100% certain that she is telling me the truth and that NC is being honored. Everyone is still reeling from my exposure of the affair.

I will explore the possibility of telling her to leave her job.

To answer your question, bandit, my wife is from Asia. We met when I was working overseas, and she came here to study and be closer to me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

dauntless said:


> I have full access to her phone and all her passwords.


But as long OM works with her, they wont need to call/text/email each other to do "it".


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you see the coilation between her job and the OM?

If I stopped drinking and walked into a bar every day, how long do you think it would last before I had a drink?

God I hope you see the analogy?


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

Of course.

As I said, that is a conversation for the next time I speak with her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My buddy has a Filipina wife and he rues the day he ever married her. She has cheated on him twice that he knows of and they have only been together 5 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Fair enough. Just don't wait a week.

I'm just worried about you, that all.


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Fair enough. Just don't wait a week.
> 
> I'm just worried about you, that all.


It will be today or tomorrow.

I really do appreciate your advice and concern. You have helped a lot.

Bandit, cheating is, sadly, universal. There is no race or nationality that is more prone to it, as far as I know. Also, my wife is not a Filipina.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are correct. But I do hear about this a lot with American men who marry Asian women.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The other Bandit, his wife is Japanese and cheated on him. Its just a pattern I think is worth noting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

dauntless said:


> To answer your question, bandit, my wife is from Asia. We met when I was working overseas, and she came here to study and be closer to me.


You are right that any ethnic group can cheat. No one group has a monopoly on infidelity. However, she could have married you as her ticket out of her country. By marrying you, she gets the Green Card (permanent residency) and eventual citizenship. I know two people personally who gained citizenship then divorced their American spouses.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Remember this. Eventually getting to a place where you can forgive her for what she has done does not mean you have to be married to her while you make the journey.

I am all for R when kids are involved or there has been a lot of time and personal commitment associated with the marriage.

But Dude, only 18 months!

More often than not, if a spouse cheats while the marriage is young, they will do it again a few months or even years latter.

The betrayed spouse thinks everything is fine and they dodged the bullet years before then WHAM, they are blindsided and destroyed all over again. It is not an uncommon story.

For that reason I would recommend that you run for the hills and count your blessings that you found out what kind of person she is before you had a kid with her.

But you seem to favor R. So, have you both been tested for STDs? Has she had a pregnancy test? Both of these are a must before you have sex with her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> My buddy has a Filipina wife and he rues the day he ever married her. She has cheated on him twice that he knows of and they have only been together 5 years.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dude, that is ridiculous. What a dumbass thing to say. I doubt I will listen to anything you say on the board from here on out. Crossing you off.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> The other Bandit, his wife is Japanese and cheated on him. Its just a pattern I think is worth noting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you realize that the Filipino and Japanese cultures are COMPLETELY different?

Just stop. You look like a total *******.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My fww works with alot of asian chick. I'm going to racial profile here b/c I can. bandits right!!!!!!!!!

These nationalities are the ones that talk crap about the H BF at the drink stations (fWW is a bartender at a casino) they have a different view on there men.

They are either used or doing the using. But many have a mind set to get whats theirs and are very selfish...

*****************disclaimer*************************

Ya I'm a jerk but I'm strickly going off of what I have heard. My remarks do not represent the entire population of female asians.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

There have been many references that the Japanese culture has a completely different outlook on fidelity than western culture has.

I thought this was pretty common knowledge as it has been covered in many news reports.

Have never heard about Phillipinas, Korean's or Chinese etc.

Also, Bandit.45 was only refering to one or two individual instances.

In addition, foreigners marrying to come to the states is definitely common knowledge.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Foreigners marrying to come to the states is a completely valid reason for higher infidelity rates. Agree with that. But this is also true with Eastern European women - it's not exclusive to Asian cultures. Also, bandits comment could be construed to mean women of Asian decent, not just women FROM Asia, and that's really offensive.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gabriel... calm down.

I was making an observation... one about a personal friend of mine and another from one of the other posters here on TAM. I was simply making an observation, not a conclusion. Both of these observations are facts, not conclusions about race. 

For twenty-one years I've been married to a Mexican-American woman who cheated on me twice. Now do I think _all_ Latinas cheat on their husbands, or that they cheat more than Anglo women? Of course not.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Also, before anyone asks, the reason I'm the one who left and she's the one in the apartment is simple. Even if she has shown she is heartless.... even though I am very angry and very hurt, I am not heartless. Her closest family is more than 6000 miles away. Her friends are being as supportive as they can, but after my swift and explosive exposure of the affair, they are hesitant to involve themselves. A lot of her friends are very unhappy with her. So, as much as I would love to have kicked her to the curb, I'm not that cruel.


This puts a different twist. What if she us in for R only because she has no other option? She knows she will be homeless if you kick her out. Hence she is in for R for the moment. The best thing would be offering her a place to stay until she finds a replacement even if she isn't in for R . her reaction should tell you enough.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think I read this here, that the cheating is somewhat more acceptable in Latina culture(Husbands cheat, the wives are fine as long as they don't bring it home and the woman too cheat behind their backs to level the game)


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> This puts a different twist. What if she us in for R only because she has no other option? She knows she will be homeless if you kick her out. Hence she is in for R for the moment. The best thing would be offering her a place to stay until she finds a replacement even if she isn't in for R . her reaction should tell you enough.


I thought of that. I offered her a hotel room for the short term while we decide what we want to do or while we work on things. She didn't want to do that. She wanted to stay in our apartment and she wants me to move back in. I took that as a positive sign, as she could have easily taken the hotel room and I would have had no idea if she was continuing her A there or not (a comfy hotel room would certainly beat his car!)

She said she would quit if I asked her. I will probably do so, although that doesn't change the fact that her work is darn close to where we live. If she wants to continue it, it wouldn't be that hard to do so. In 3-4 months, if we survive that long, I would have the option to transfer to another office in my company. Would be nice fo have 400 miles between them.

We have another MC appointment on Tuesday. Depending on how that goes, I will decide how to proceed (and also determine whether or not I should keep this therapist)

Also, guys, I would appreciate if we didn't continue the racial conversation here. I do find it mildly offensive. No nationality or culture is any more inclined to infidelity than any other. People are people. Filipinas are not Japanese are not Latinas are not Elves. They can all cheat, or they can all be loyal to the last breath. An individual makes his or her own choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

dauntless said:


> It will be today or tomorrow.
> 
> I really do appreciate your advice and concern. You have helped a lot.
> 
> Bandit, cheating is, sadly, universal. There is no race or nationality that is more prone to it, as far as I know. Also, my wife is not a Filipina.


Asia is a continent not a country. Wife could be from India, Bangladesh, Phillipines, Malasia, etc.

But more important, woman from those countries typically are more loyal to their spouses, its a bit suprising to me she has this type of behavior, and more suprisingly doesnt readily admit her actions were 100% wrong. I mean, it took you 2 hours to drill her the other day for her to break down and give up with her excuses??


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

dauntless said:


> Also, guys, I would appreciate if we didn't continue the racial conversation here. I do find it mildly offensive. No nationality or culture is any more inclined to infidelity than any other. People are people. Filipinas are not Japanese are not Latinas are not Elves. They can all cheat, or they can all be loyal to the last breath. An individual makes his or her own choices.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sorry! just read this after my post and I do not know how to delete posts altogether (if possible)...

but one more thing, you are right no culture is except from infedility, anyone, any human can do that what another human can do. I agree, individuals make his/her own choices


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## dauntless (Apr 25, 2012)

I am NOT defending her or doing any sort of rugsweeping, merely offering an explination for her behavior and delusions.

She doesn't 'fit the mould' for females from her country. She had a pretty troubling childhood. Both parents went to prison, so she lived with her emotionally abusive grandmother and then her aunt whose boyfriend molested her. Her mother cheated on her father, and her father (with permission from his wife's father) beat up his WS. Someone earlier posted that my wife is broken - that may very well be the case. That is why her going to IC is a condition of R. Her behavior is not excused by her past. She needs help in making the right choices in her life. Hopefully IC will help her turn it around.

I'm bipolar. Although I have never been unfaithful to my wife, I have done plenty of things in my life, including things in the last year, that lacked integrity. I can understand it without readily forgiving it. It hurts, a lot. All I've thought about for the last 6 days was how much pain I'm in and how much I hate what she did. I'd like to have my wife back - the pretty and hilarious woman full of life and wonder who would give me this look of adoration whenever she grabbed my arm. I don't know where she went - maybe she genuinely has checked out so early in our marriage, or maybe she just lost her way. I just want to find her again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> More often than not, if a spouse cheats while the marriage is young, they will do it again a few months or even years latter.
> .


If they start cheating while the marriage is STILL young, imagine how much time there's in their hands to cheat a few years later. 
Chances are they will cheat again and next time they do they'll be smarter and prepared to not get caught. 

The risk is still there dauntless. There's no excuse for cheating but it'd be more understandable if she cheated 20 years later after marriage rather than the first 2 years. 
What kind of love is that when she eagerly waits to open her legs to someone else as soon as she leaves home?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

dauntless said:


> I thought of that. I offered her a hotel room for the short term while we decide what we want to do or while we work on things. She didn't want to do that. She wanted to stay in our apartment and she wants me to move back in. I took that as a positive sign, as she could have easily taken the hotel room and I would have had no idea if she was continuing her A there or not (a comfy hotel room would certainly beat his car!)
> 
> She said she would quit if I asked her. I will probably do so, although that doesn't change the fact that her work is darn close to where we live. If she wants to continue it, it wouldn't be that hard to do so. In 3-4 months, if we survive that long, I would have the option to transfer to another office in my company. Would be nice fo have 400 miles between them.
> 
> ...


Sorry dauntless - just had to defend my friends. The Phillippines is a Catholic nation - very anti-divorce religion - had to call out an ignorant comment.

Carry on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest you need to have her take a polygraph in the near future about the affair and it's end. I find it hard to believe she just ended it like test. Schedule it out maybe two weeks from now and make sure they ask if she has had sex with him since her husband left the appartment. That will show broken NC.

Look for a burner phone she has acquired since you get her phone password.

If you do R , tell her in 4-6 months she will be taking another polygraph about the affair continuing,

You want her to know if you R that you are not going to just go back to trusting her. That's ended for the forseabod future which means years not months.

Edited to add: I think she is playing you. She casually lied to you to carry on the affinity and did do without guilt or a twitch, she called you to pick her up, and then sent you away when she was told by him to be with him. That wasn't in the far past, that just happened. So I really doubt she is done with the affair. She is just lying in new ways.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I'll make one addition to Shaggy, have her take the poly before she leaves. If she fails, make sure the ticket is one way.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You've been married for too short a time to put up with this crap. She sounds like damaged goods. Are you willing to spend the rest of the best years of your life playing warden to this woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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