# is our marriage a mistake?



## adviceseeker (Jul 2, 2008)

We've been married for 2 years now and since about 6 mths after our marraige I realised that we don't have much in common and things have become a real challenge for me. My husband says he's happy and I know it hurts him when I go through my moments of doubt but I don't feel that we're compatable and sometimes wonder why we married in the first place and if we wouldn't be better apart (although I don't say this to him). We are very different - he likes to stay at home, I like to go out, sports, travelling, culture, music, while he is very inactive. This means my life is not very fulfilling with him. I have friends that I go out with but it doesn't make up for what's lacking in our marriage. I also feel he is doesn't express much emotion in our relationship, which also leaves me unfulfilled and with the impression that love doesn't mean as much to him as I think it does. The thing is that despite all this I still love him and it would break my heart to seperate. I have moments when I look at him and feel like I'm in love and then again come the moments where it just feels too difficult. I don't want to spend my life with someone for the wrong reasons (fear of hurting him or yself) when we're really not right for each other. Any advice?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You have recognized some significant issues in your marriage. Just because he doesn’t like to socialize doesn’t mean he can’t. The same with his emotion commitment levels. Talk to each other and discuss what you want out of a marriage. Make sure each of you understands the others wants and needs. Failure to do so will eventually make the problems worse and you may fall into resentment. As you say you still love him and he loves you I strongly suggest you find a professional to help you move forward together and tighten your bonds. Start today.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Many would say my wife and I are opposites on many levels. That is one of our strengths not our weakness. She gets me out of the house and I keep her grounded. Communication has saved us again and again. Counciling can't hurt.

draconis


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## adviceseeker (Jul 2, 2008)

Thanks for the advice guys. I have tried many times to talk to him - as soon as I realised it's a problem because I'm a big believer in communication. I even persuaded him to take a look at the book 5 languages of love and explained to him how quality time is important and asked him if there's anything I can do to be a better wife. He seemed to understand at the time but nothing's changed and he still says he is content and doesn't feel that things need to change. Unfortunately sometimes I feel myself already slipping into resentment because I feel like he just doesn't want to put in any effort to our relationship - it feels like I'm the one making all the compromises. I have given up a lot for him - moved to another country, left my family and friends - but this was my choice so I'm not going to be resentful - I just wish he would also make some changes for me. Maybe I'm hoping for too much and am being unfair asking him to change who he is. I suggested to him that we try counselling but he doesn't think things are that bad and thinks I'm exaggerating or being melo-dramatic. He's also from a culture where counselling isn't really taken seriously. I guess I'm still going to keep trying and hopefully we'll come through this but things are quite tough right now.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> He seemed to understand at the time but nothing's changed and he still says he is content and doesn't feel that things need to change.


You need to tell him unless, there is change there will not be a marriage, which ironicly will be change for him.

draconis


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## PomPom (Sep 20, 2009)

I can really relate to you. I have been married for almost two years. My husband is Latino. Before we were married we had differences and I noticed and recognized them. However, now that we are married all of the differences have compounded. For example, he is very unemotional and thinks men should be macho so he doesn't like to express emotion. I am, on the other hand, very sensitive and come from a family that values sensitivity and expression. My mother is an artist and writer. She always encouraged us in that area. Also, his mother is very simplistic and can be a bit dishonest (although a very good mother considering the circumstances the family was in when my husband was growing up- war and economic embargo). My mother is the opposite expressive, honest, and clear. It's very hard for me to feel love from his mother or relate to her and this really hurts him. (My husband also was previously married - a very rushed marriage as his ex-wife got pregnant at 16 and he married her as a result...A very immature, adolescent marriage...But as a result he has a 12 year old daughter that I also have to love and relate to...just another complication). On top of that, our communication issues just continue to get worse. I have tried so many methods of helping him be a more effective communicator, we have gone to counseling, I have purchased books for him on all sorts of marriage subjects to help him but he is not as intellectual and educated as I am. He enjoys sports, video games, movies. I love reading, writing, and cultural activities. So, needless to say, almost all the books I have purchased him have gone half-read or unread because he's just not interested. His family grew up playing or watching TV, my family grew up sitting down together listening to classical music and reading or writing. In addition, I have tried SO hard to communicate so he can understand me, to express my feelings on his level (his first language is Spanish and I am fluent in Spanish and he is much stronger in his first language than English- So I often share in that language), and to give him suggestions for understanding me. I have worked so hard to understand his needs as a man: sexual, need to be needed, and his need for respect. But, to be honest, it is so hard for me to respect him. He has in the past been dishonest, he is not extremely creative or intelligent, he is slow to understand me, and very lazy in the relationship ( i feel). So, I think this is my major frustration right now- his lack of commitment to grow. I see our differences and know that we can make those differences into strengths if we make it a goal to learn from eachother- but at the same time - he is lazy, unchanging, and on a different level emotionally and intellectually. He would be content with a medioocre marriage as long as sex was involved- as far as I can see. His communication skills are basically unformed and at the level of a 16 year old boy. He has bad habits- from what I can tell- of passive aggressiveness, thoughtless comments about my body, and just in general a non-chalant macho attitude towards communication and emotion. He was, mostly in the past, a chronic "white lier" which really broke down our trust. He has gotten 90% better in this area- but I still have a hard time trusting "the boy who cried wolf." I feel so frustrated and stressed by our disagreements (daily ones). He seems to not really care about improving the marriage (or at least NEARLY as much as I do). I have given him ultimatums change or leave many times and we have never really followed through with it. I am scared and confused and frustrated. I don't know what to do? I am a Christian woman and divorce was never an option for me, but I am worried about spending my life with a man who doesn't want a passionate, communicative, healthy marriage. I want him to be my friend, to care about me in more ways than one (if you know what I mean). 

Any thoughts....?


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## Lizzie60 (Sep 13, 2009)

Wow.. only 2 years in the marriage and already all those issues..

From what I read.. your husband is a 'lazy' emotional partner.. He just doesn't want to put in any effort.. would looove you to just shut up about it.. and go on as if nothing was wrong.. 

Methink you will eventually resent him big time..

My ONLY advice at this time.. DO NOT have children.. unless you are absolutely sure he will put in the efforts (that would take some time)..

Good luck..


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## zengoddess (Sep 20, 2009)

PomPom, just a question: what made you marry him? Obviously you come from 2 different worlds. You're not intellectually equal, I guess you knew it from day one. Wasn't it very important to you then to be with someone who was stimulating intellectually? Wasn't even a pre-requisite for you to be in love with him in the first place?

Just a question, not a judgment.

AdviceSeeker, my husband and I were very different too. I am a homey type and he's very outdoorsy. He loves opera, plays, concerts, movies, etc....and he took me to them. At times I didn't enjoy them and found them a waste of time but since my ideas of doing things were more like cuddling, going to a day spa, giving each other a massage, reading books we can discuss together or watching thought provoking stuff (documentaries/movies...though I'm not so much a movie lover) we can discuss which were not so much "doing" to him, he was the only one who came up with ideas and I sometimes resented it. I just felt he wasn't very receptive with my ideas (admittedly not as many as his) so I didn't even try.

Then we found snorkeling this January which we both really loved and planned of doing regularly...then unfortunately, the **** hit the fan. We're separated....I'm trying to work on our marriage and I know he's open to that too even when his male pride is so hurt. We'll be seeing each other again in a few weeks.

When we are back together this thing will certainly be high on my list of priorities. We have found snorkeling. And I have promised him I would hike and do more outdoor stuff with him. Since the break-up I have been trying to improve myself and expand my horizon and be more physically active (tennis/basket ball/bowling). We have done yoga together as we both are yoga addicts. And we both love traveling. And perhaps I will teach him to be more lovey-dovey with me (maybe playing (sexy) board games together). Since he's a movie addict, I'll be more active picking the ones I really want to see because I resented the fact that I fell asleep most of the time during the movies he picked.

It's hard to change, especially when you feel you're alright not seeing all these plays/operas (the way I was/am) but sometimes if you have an urgent reason to change (like losing your relationship) you have to be open to that possibility. At the same time, meet him somewhere in the middle. Surely he loves something, maybe not as much as yours, but try to understand what makes him tick as far as hobbies are concerned. Both of you need to learn to like what each other likes, sometimes it's about getting familiar with something. You don't know you like something until you try it. He/you might not change, but at least you both need to try. Also find something new you both love (in our case snorkeling).

Re. emotion, I guess most men are not very emotionally expressive as we are. They are when they are hurt but to express their affection, love, appreciation, they are not very good at it. Neither is my husband. He very rarely compliments me. It sometimes made me wonder if he was really into me as I was/am very into him. And he has sexual issues too which sucked my self-esteem out even more. There are certainly lots of things to work on but I'm not giving up, not until I have exhausted every avenue. I don't what ifs down the road.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So let me guess, this was an online thing where you didn't put in enough up-front time to realize that you weren't really compatible?

Look, he's happy. That's why he doesn't feel the need to change anything. You're the one that's unhappy. Why do you need HIM to make up for what you're lacking? You have friends, and you have activities. Do them. Then spend time with him doing what he enjoys, which is more sedentary and would work when you're tired from your more active life with your friends.

I do think in this case that it is unfair for you to want him to change. He was like this before you married him, the day you married him and now. 

Also, I think you're unfair to want him to be all things to you. Does he begrudge you because you don't sit home with him and because you go out or is he happy that you have activities he enjoys?

Further, you know those sometimes you feel one way and sometimes you feel another way things? They're normal. Nobody feels in love or even love all of the time. A mature approach understands this and allows for it.

You say you love him and it would break your heart to leave. What do you love about him? Why would it break your heart to leave?


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