# Cheater Finds God??



## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

My husband and I were married for 7 years when I found out he was having an affair (it started when our third child was one month old). I found out by going through phone records. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him. 
When I asked how many others there were, he admitted to another 6 month affair a year prior!
He said they Both happened because I work overnights and I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed. he’d asked me to get another job and i always refused because it allowed me to be home when the kids got out of school and it kept us from having to spend money on childcare. 
On top of that, I already knew about a one night stand he had with another woman a few years prior. He has a history of desiring attention from other women. 
I said I wanted a divorce and we told the kids already. But several months have passed and now he says he has rededicated his life to Christ and is sorry for his past. Says he will never cheat again and he will be 100% transparent. He said he’ll go to counseling, said he’ll keep his phone open (it’s always locked), said we can have a joint Bank account (ours was always separate, partly because he spent money on his mistresses!). 
I’m not sure if I should trust him again. It would be ideal to give him another chance for the kids’ sake and for financial reasons.
But obviously, our trust is broken. 
Would you give another chance?? Am i wrong to just want it to end because I have started dating again?


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I were married for 7 years when I found out he was having an affair (it started when our third child was one month old). I found out by going through phone records. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him.
> When I asked how many others there were, he admitted to another 6 month affair a year prior!
> He said they Both happened because I work overnights and I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed. he’d asked me to get another job and i always refused because it allowed me to be home when the kids got out of school and it kept us from having to spend money on childcare.
> On top of that, I already knew about a one night stand he had with another woman a few years prior. He has a history of desiring attention from other women.
> ...


Write a list of things you want him to do to prove it:

Polygraph
VAR in the doorway so you can check each morning who has been in/out
Location finder on his phone
Complete phone records and able to check for deleted messages

IMO you've given him too many chances but decision is up to you. He'll keep doing it without any real consequence


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I were married for 7 years when I found out he was having an affair (it started when our third child was one month old). I found out by going through phone records. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him.
> When I asked how many others there were, he admitted to another 6 month affair a year prior!
> He said they Both happened because I work overnights and I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed. he’d asked me to get another job and i always refused because it allowed me to be home when the kids got out of school and it kept us from having to spend money on childcare.
> On top of that, I already knew about a one night stand he had with another woman a few years prior. He has a history of desiring attention from other women.
> ...


Finding god is the last refuge of a desperate man.
Think about all the murderers,rapists,paedophiles in prison who “find god” just in time for their parole hearing.
What he says is meaningless.Judge him by his actions not his words and his actions so far have left a lot to be desired.
He can still prove he is a good man and a good father even if you divorce him.
But will he? Try asking him this.

Edit to add.Remember these are only the affairs/ons that you know about,how many do you not know about.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> Would you give another chance?? Am i wrong to just want it to end because I have started dating again?


Wait-you are dating while you're still married??!!

His "recommiting to God" is laughable. He sounds as silly as hard core criminals in prison who, in their parole hearings, claim to have "found God" and if granted parole, their uncle has a roofing job waiting for them.

I would not give him another chance. And I would also not date while I was still married. Get tested for STDs.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> Wait-you are dating while you're still married??!!
> 
> His "recommiting to God" is laughable. He sounds as silly as hard core criminals in prison who, in their parole hearings, claim to have "found God" and if granted parole, their uncle has a roofing job waiting for them.
> 
> I would not give him another chance. And I would also not date while I was still married. Get tested for STDs.


No need to add to this. Pretty much my exact thoughts.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Wait-you are dating while you're still married??!!
> 
> His "recommiting to God" is laughable. He sounds as silly as hard core criminals in prison who, in their parole hearings, claim to have "found God" and if granted parole, their uncle has a roofing job waiting for them.
> 
> I would not give him another chance. And I would also not date while I was still married. Get tested for STDs.


It's my impression their marriage is on paper only. OP stated they told the kids they are divorcing, that it's been "several months", so I'm going with she isn't doing anything wrong by dating. Hell, her husband has been dating the whole time. Why shouldn't she date now that they've decided to end the marriage, informed the kids, and it's been months? Because paperwork?
@Vcu118

No, do not give him another chance. He had his first chance when you married him. He had his 2nd chance when he had his first affair. And then he had a 3rd chance when he had his 2nd affair. And then he had a 4th chance when he had his most recent affair. He's a serial cheater. He may have "found God", but I can guarantee he'll lose God again the second your back is turned and some woman shakes her ass at him.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

I am not sure how to reply to individual comments, but you all shared insightful advice. 

It’s funny, because he “rediscovered God” at the church he started going to with his mistress and broke up with her...then had the audacity to invite me to the same church! 
As for if i am dating. Yes, I did start dating after I told him I wanted a divorce and met with an attorney. I have just had some hold ups so it’s taken longer than I expected. We have been living separate lives since then and have worked out our own custody agreement until our divorce is finalized. 
The reason I posted here is because my attorney said she can finally file papers this week and I guess I started second guessing if I’m making a huge mistake by not giving him one more chance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Found God....give me a break. He does however know how to hang YOU on a cross.

You are making the right choice ...no doubt about it and I didn't need holy intervention to tell me that.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I absolutely believe it is possible that he truly did come to Christ and, thus, everything will different about him and for him. If it is true that he has, he will prove it. If you're still married and you are willing to give it another shot, go for it. Be discerning and watch his behavior closely for the fruits of the Spirit. Also keep in mind that if he is truly converted and you are not a follower of Christ, you will be unequally yoked and that will be a new source of strain and issues.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> I am not sure how to reply to individual comments, but you all shared insightful advice.
> 
> It’s funny, because he “rediscovered God” at the church he started going to with his mistress and broke up with her...then had the audacity to invite me to the same church!
> As for if i am dating. Yes, I did start dating after I told him I wanted a divorce and met with an attorney. I have just had some hold ups so it’s taken longer than I expected. We have been living separate lives since then and have worked out our own custody agreement until our divorce is finalized.
> The reason I posted here is because my attorney said she can finally file papers this week and I guess I started second guessing if I’m making a huge mistake by not giving him one more chance.


To reply to one individual comment, use the quote button. To respond to multiple comments, use multiquote until the last quote you want to use and then use quote.

You'd be making a huge mistake taking him back. Do NOT waste years of your life on a POS waiting to see if this God thing sticks. He may legit have found Jesus, but that doesn't get him a pass.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If he truly has turned back to God he will understand that is previous actions have consequences, since you aren't Jesus, but his living, breathing wife, whom he betrayed. He will cooperate during the divorce, take his lumps and be fair and non combatant.

If he takes his newfound faith seriously it will make him a faithful husband for his next wife.

I don't expect you will be able to rekindle a romance with him after his horrible betayals.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

IMO, he's still lying. There were more affairs. If a serial cheater willingly admits to (2) LTA there were at least 2 more. I've never seen a cheater that doesn't minimize.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Serial adultery is difficult to forgive and very likely to continue.
You mention second guessing yourself because of the children (understandable) and finances, but what is _your_ opinion of _him_ as a man and your husband, now that you know he is a chronic lying cheater? Do you still love, trust, and admire him?
I wouldn't, ever.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Get divorced, and tell him he's more than welcome to try and date you, but that he'll have competition, and likely from other gentlemen who haven't cheated on their spouse.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > I am not sure how to reply to individual comments, but you all shared insightful advice.
> ...


Thank you! I appreciate your advice! I definitely am concerned that I would waste more years of my life just for him to screw me over again. I’m 38 and feel like I still have some look left in me and need to take advantage! Haha


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

dubsey said:


> Get divorced, and tell him he's more than welcome to try and date you, but that he'll have competition, and likely from other gentlemen who haven't cheated on their spouse.


Very good!! I honestly have met several men who say they’ve never cheated and their marriages ended because of a lack of compatibility. I’m not sure I know how to be treated right anymore which is something I’ll definitley have to get used to. Even before any learned infidelity there were plenty of other issues.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

Don't Panic said:


> Serial adultery is difficult to forgive and very likely to continue.
> You mention second guessing yourself because of the children (understandable) and finances, but what is _your_ opinion of _him_ as a man and your husband, now that you know he is a chronic lying cheater? Do you still love, trust, and admire him?
> I wouldn't, ever.


I don’t know!! He’s been so good at manipulating in the past, it’s hard for me to trust anything—even my own feelings! If I knew for sure he’d never cheat again and he stopped spending so much time out with his friends and drinking, I think it could work. But the unknown exists. And what’s I’ve trusted so far has only left me with a philandering Husband.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I were married for 7 years when I found out he was having an affair (it started when our third child was one month old). I found out by going through phone records. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him.
> When I asked how many others there were, he admitted to another 6 month affair a year prior!
> He said they Both happened because I work overnights and I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed. he’d asked me to get another job and i always refused because it allowed me to be home when the kids got out of school and it kept us from having to spend money on childcare.
> On top of that, I already knew about a one night stand he had with another woman a few years prior. He has a history of desiring attention from other women.
> ...


*As far as one's coming to know God, their actions are going to far greater be accentuated through their actions more than anything else! Just their mere saying that they have successfully converted or conformed is strictly on face value and can only be substantiated through their actions!

Given his awfully short period of remorse and his sudden adherence to Godly principles, I'd say that he's got a lot to prove to you in attempting to keep your relationship with him intact!

It just all seems too conveniently suspicious! *


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't trust any man who thinks a woman will be stupid enough to think the old god theory makes him a new trustworthy man. 

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> I don’t know!! He’s been so good at manipulating in the past, it’s hard for me to trust anything—even my own feelings! If I knew for sure he’d never cheat again and he stopped spending so much time out with his friends and drinking, I think it could work. But the unknown exists. And what’s I’ve trusted so far has only left me with a philandering Husband.


Well, if there's one thing you know you cannot trust, it's him!

I'm assuming he's an age appropriate partner and not some 22 year old. Assuming he's in his mid 30's or older. Generally, at that age, what you see is what you get. He's manipulative, he lies, he cheats, he drinks, he carouses with his friends. That's who he is. For someone like him to truly change would take therapy with a great therapist, him being completely honest with said therapist, and years of hard work...for a chance he'd change, mind you, no guarantee.

You're approaching middle age. I'm 42 and recently realized that, statistically, I have more days behind me than ahead of me. I'm much more aware of how I spend my limited time than I have been in my entire life. I certainly wouldn't want to waste it on a man I could never trust who manipulates me, drinks and parties with his friends, and has already had 3 affairs. At your age, there are many divorced men who were either cheated on or who married incompatible partners. There are also men who never married because they were building careers and who are looking for a long term relationship partner or a wife now that they have more free time. Seek out a someone among those kinds of men and toss this stinky fish back into the sea.

Not to mention, there's kids. Do you want the kids to think this kind of treatment and behavior is normal in an adult romantic relationship? Children live what they learn.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> My husband and I were married for 7 years when I found out he was having an affair (it started when our third child was one month old). I found out by going through phone records. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him.
> When I asked how many others there were, he admitted to another 6 month affair a year prior!
> He said they Both happened because I work overnights and I wasn’t giving him the attention he needed. he’d asked me to get another job and i always refused because it allowed me to be home when the kids got out of school and it kept us from having to spend money on childcare.
> On top of that, I already knew about a one night stand he had with another woman a few years prior. He has a history of desiring attention from other women.
> ...



Third time is not a charm. Look, it would ideal to give your H another chance for the kids and financial reasons but what about you? What is in it for you other than a world having to watch your H like a child? Find someone who respects you.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

He may have changed. Only time will tell. But Christians can cheat too. I wouldn’t say you should reconcile with him for the sake children or finances. You’re mairrage is about you and him. If you can’t make THAT aspect work then no, don’t try and reconcile. If you are actively dating other men during this time then I don’t see how it works out for you. Seems like you have moved on.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > I don’t know!! He’s been so good at manipulating in the past, it’s hard for me to trust anything—even my own feelings! If I knew for sure he’d never cheat again and he stopped spending so much time out with his friends and drinking, I think it could work. But the unknown exists. And what’s I’ve trusted so far has only left me with a philandering Husband.
> ...


Yes, very good points once again. I have been concerned that the kids will remember his late nights out and think that’s acceptable. I tried to reinforce to them that that is not normal in a marriage and I hope they don’t do that in their future relationships. But I don’t want to drag their dad’s name through the mud. They don’t know about his infidelities.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> They don’t know about his infidelities.


The truth will come to light eventually.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

What’s in it for me? Honestly, just having that companionship if he were able to remain honest and faithful. I thought we got along pretty well when we spent time together. But I’ve always had trust issues with him. I could write a book on reasons for my trust issues. 
As for kids finding out..possibly. Maybe when they’re older and can kind of digest that kind of information.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > They don’t know about his infidelities.
> ...


I responded to you. See above comment. Thank you for your feedback.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> Am i wrong to just want it to end because I have started dating again?


You just answered your own question.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Vcu118 said:


> What’s in it for me? Honestly, just having that companionship if he were able to remain honest and faithful. I thought we got along pretty well when we spent time together. But I’ve always had trust issues with him. I could write a book on reasons for my trust issues.
> As for kids finding out..possibly. Maybe when they’re older and can kind of digest that kind of information.



First and foremost, IMO, a H is to make a W feel safe. Not being trustworthy does not help in that respect. Your H has A LOT of work to do. Finding God is not part of that work. Finding God is for himself. Is your H prepared to do the work in making you feel safe?

Kids, they may not put 2 and 2 together right now but down the road....they will. I know. Been there and done that. 

Hope it works out for you and your marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Vcu118 said:


> I am not sure how to reply to individual comments, but you all shared insightful advice.
> 
> It’s funny, because he “rediscovered God” at the church he started going to with his mistress and broke up with her...then had the audacity to invite me to the same church!
> As for if i am dating. Yes, I did start dating after I told him I wanted a divorce and met with an attorney. I have just had some hold ups so it’s taken longer than I expected. We have been living separate lives since then and have worked out our own custody agreement until our divorce is finalized.
> The reason I posted here is because my attorney said she can finally file papers this week and I guess I started second guessing if I’m making a huge mistake by not giving him one more chance.


It is probable that the only reason he "found God" was to impress his mistress.

So his belief is not just shallow it is most likely non-existent.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First of all it's rare to find someone who cheats who actually gets it and changes. That is because usually someone who cheats has real character issues. Ones that take a whole different way of thinking. This requires real training to change impulses and thought patterns that have been established for years. It can be done but it takes a real strong desire to do so, and a hard lifetime of work. I am talking years of counseling, the type of people who read many books to try to understand their messed up thought process. 

It's even rarer still for someone who uses cheating as a part of a coping mechanism which seems to be the case with people who are serial cheaters. These people are really like hardcore drug users. I think if you think of them like that you see what you are up against. 

It's even rarer then that to find people who have and epiphany and suddenly change (like never). Frankly I don't believe in such stuff, what I think is they can white knuckle it while they are feeling with the emotion that comes with the early part of a religious conversion. Still however, they need to do all the same kind of hard work that is necessary for anyone who has a character deficiency. They still have to learn a whole new way of thinking. One that takes a level of understanding to the point that it becomes nuanced and second nature. So finding Jesus is not a escape clause to get out of the lifetime of hard work it takes to change your nature. Still need a lifetime of professional help. 

Yes it can be done but I believe only if it is a primary focus of the person for the rest of their lives, very much like and alcoholic in recovery. 

Besides all that, what I just wrote is just the requirement for a possibility of reconciliation in my mind. Meaning of course they have to be remorseful and working for the the rest of their lives to change. That however is not what you should use as your criteria to continue in the relationship or not, that is just a absolute must. And figuring out if they really telling the truth and even capable is the rub right? I mean how can you tell with someone who is so practiced and successful at lying. It's a huge risk. 

But say you are sure, still, in my mind what you should be asking yourself is what will the quality of my life be if I stay with this person. How will I feel about my life and even myself. That to me is really the thing to focus on. I would not settle here as you only get one life, and also time is finite, more time spent with someone who doesn't add to your happiness or even worse makes your life unhappily is time you won't get back. It's also time that is wasted that could be spent on finding someone who adds to your happiness. 

One question would be why? You know you can fall in love with lots and lots of people. Love is not so rare as western culture would have you believe. There is not just one person for all of us, there are many. Disney and the love songs are nice, but they are just as much bull**** as a pumpkin turning into a carriage, or some singing cats.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Vcu118 said:


> I don’t know!! He’s been so good at manipulating in the past, it’s hard for me to trust anything—even my own feelings! If I knew for sure he’d never cheat again and he stopped spending so much time out with his friends and drinking, I think it could work. But the unknown exists. And what’s I’ve trusted so far has only left me with a philandering Husband.


Please read what you just wrote. It is not about love, it is about convenience of having a two parent household. Frankly, he has breached your trust three times. While very little is unforgivable, this really stretches it. I have had any number of women sitting across the desk from me, and they have stated that they still have some of their looks, and need to find out if they can be appreciated by someone, as their ex really did not know how. This is where you stand now. I would file. The process can be stopped if need be. You know you are not happy now, and making deals will not result in your happiness. His credibility is severely strained, and stopping the divorce at this point feels like delaying the inevitable.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> What’s in it for me? Honestly, just having that companionship if he were able to remain honest and faithful. I thought we got along pretty well when we spent time together. But I’ve always had trust issues with him. I could write a book on reasons for my trust issues.


Did you get along because the two of you were true companions, or did you get along peacefully because he was getting his needs met from two different sources at any given time?

Look, cheaters can change, but the chances of a serial cheater having a come to Jesus transition is even more rare. Serial cheaters actively LOOK for new affair partners, as previewed by his 3 affairs that he HAS already admitted to (there are more). You will never feel safe. Every time he steps out of the house you are going to second guess his whereabouts. Every time he stops by the store to pick up milk, every time he has to work late, every time he is anywhere without your constant supervision- you are going to question his true motives. 

And the mind movies? Those are hard enough with just one affair. But three? It will be never ending. So why torture yourself over a man who took you for granted so many times? For a man who directly decided you were not good enough and three other women were better? 

I can assure you that there are more worthy men out there. 



> As for kids finding out..possibly. Maybe when they’re older and can kind of digest that kind of information.


Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. My older two were intelligent enough, at the ages of 5 & 8, to understand that it was wrong for their dad to have a girlfriend while being married to me and that was why we were no longer together. 

No one will hold an adult more accountable than their own children.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Finish your divorce. 3 times a charm. You can always date him if you want. Or not.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You can tell him that you found something, too.

Your Holy Lady Balls of Antioch.










Then hand him divorce papers.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> It's my impression their marriage is on paper only. OP stated they told the kids they are divorcing, that it's been "several months", so I'm going with she isn't doing anything wrong by dating. Hell, her husband has been dating the whole time. Why shouldn't she date now that they've decided to end the marriage, informed the kids, and it's been months? Because paperwork?


I'm not one of those people who think that you shouldn't date while you're still technically married. And I agree with everything you say. However, I was responding to her question of, would you give him another chance? If there is any remote possibility that she would give him another chance, which of course I hope she doesn't, then she really shouldn't be dating. I think it would just be compounding the problem and the confusion. She should finish an existing relationship before she embarks on a possible new one.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with @lucy999, however I appreciate that @MJJEAN has personal experience behind her opinions.
I think that in this particular case for OP, that she should just hand her husband divorce papers and make a clean break of it. It will help her to detach more fully if nothing else.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

No, i would not give him another chance. BUT if you do, i would only do it understanding that there would be a polygraph randomly down the line to verify honesty. I would also say post nup.... You get everything exclusively. Tell him he needs to put his money where his mouth is, or proceed with the divorce as outlined at present. 

Tell him a divorce will be fair'er now than if he were to **** you over again. 

But that is only if you weaken. I still vote divorce the jerk and move on. Don't let him waste any more of your time.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Your story is SO similar to mine. My husband was awful to me for 5 years. We got baptized together not long ago and he says he has recommitted his life to god. The thing is - christian people still sin. Christian people are still very much flawed. So being a Christian alone will not keep him from messing up again. He has to change in every way possible.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

adegirl2016 said:


> Your story is SO similar to mine. My husband was awful to me for 5 years. We got baptized together not long ago and he says he has recommitted his life to god. The thing is - christian people still sin. Christian people are still very much flawed. So being a Christian alone will not keep him from messing up again. He has to change in every way possible.


So did you stay married?? Tell me how your story ends/is progressing. My husband was already a Christian. I’m a practicing Catholic so it’s not like I don’t believe in God. He just rededicated his life and I just practice differently than he does since this “epiphany” of his. And I have no plans to start attending his place of worship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Vcu118 said:


> So did you stay married?? Tell me how your story ends/is progressing. My husband was already a Christian. I’m a practicing Catholic so it’s not like I don’t believe in God. He just rededicated his life and I just practice differently than he does since this “epiphany” of his. And I have no plans to start attending his place of worship.


I think God would tell him to go get some counseling to start. Not that I presume to speak for God but it's just common sense. Just saying.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > So did you stay married?? Tell me how your story ends/is progressing. My husband was already a Christian. I?m a practicing Catholic so it?s not like I don?t believe in God. He just rededicated his life and I just practice differently than he does since this ?epiphany? of his. And I have no plans to start attending his place of worship.
> ...


He saw a counselor for three sessions and said he didn’t need to go anymore because he knows why he did what he did.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Vcu118 said:


> He saw a counselor for three sessions and said he didn’t need to go anymore because he knows why he did what he did.


What did he say was his reason for cheating multiple times over many years?


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > He saw a counselor for three sessions and said he didn’t need to go anymore because he knows why he did what he did.
> ...


I’m not sure I’m buying it, but he said it’s because I wasn’t present for him. I work overnights, so I’m not home most nights during the week. He asked me to find another job and I never did. Because I like my job. But the reason I don’t buy his excuse is because he started his latest affair when I was on maternity leave and was home 24/7 for six weeks! He started the affair after I’d beem home for four weeks. Plus, on my off nights when I was home, he would often use that time to go out with his friends.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > He saw a counselor for three sessions and said he didn’t need to go anymore because he knows why he did what he did.
> ...


Also, the year prior, I was suspicious of an affair because he was often not home. but he flat out denied it. Regardless, I said I wanted a divorce because I felt so neglected and abandoned. And he just wasn’t exhibiting behaviors conducive to being married. But we ended up working through things and staying together. Little did I know he’d just ended an affair with someone he’d been seeing for six months. I thought things were great! We went to Puerto Rico to bond.. we got pregnant. And then boom! After the baby was born, he was back to being his selfish, negligent self.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Don't believe the hype. My agnostic-ish, athiest-ish cheating *ss motherf... stbxh started finding religion when we split (after mocking my and general spirituality on multiple occasions throughout the years we were together) because he wanted to "feel that everything was going to be ok" in these "trying times." They just do it to absolve themselves of whatever "sins" they may have committed and leave the onus on your or others to accept them and their changes. F out of here with that. Crappy cheaters gonna cheat, lie, and blame anyone but themselves for their issues... even when they make it about them... it's because it's about them.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> So did you stay married?? Tell me how your story ends/is progressing. *My husband was already a Christian.* I’m a practicing Catholic so it’s not like I don’t believe in God. He just rededicated his life and I just practice differently than he does since this “epiphany” of his. And I have no plans to start attending his place of worship.


So, he didn't "find God". He was already a Christian. He knew where God was the whole time. He just didn't care.



Vcu118 said:


> I’m not sure I’m buying it, *but he said it’s because I wasn’t present for him.* I work overnights, so I’m not home most nights during the week. He asked me to find another job and I never did. Because I like my job. But the reason I don’t buy his excuse is because he started his latest affair when I was on maternity leave and was home 24/7 for six weeks! He started the affair after I’d beem home for four weeks. Plus, on my off nights when I was home, he would often use that time to go out with his friends.


I wouldn't buy it, either. It's called blame shifting. He blames you for his choice to have an affair. It's because you weren't there for him, you see, not because he is selfish and has no self control.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> I’m not sure I’m buying it, but he said it’s because I wasn’t present for him. I work overnights, so I’m not home most nights during the week. He asked me to find another job and I never did. Because I like my job. But the reason I don’t buy his excuse is because he started his latest affair when I was on maternity leave and was home 24/7 for six weeks! He started the affair after I’d beem home for four weeks. Plus, on my off nights when I was home, he would often use that time to go out with his friends.




Unacceptable. Claiming his need to cheat has anything to do with anything you did or did not do is blame shifting. He cheated because of a problem inside him, totally independent of you.

It is possible he could be broken and mentally ill, and therefore need constant surveillance and supervision in order to prevent him from doing wrong things. Or his illness may cause him to have extraordinary needs. But it’s still a problem within him, and not anything to do with you.

You seem to still be having problems accepting the fact, absolute fact, you bear no blame at all for his behavior. He had the affairs, by his own choice. He was not pushed into them by anything you did.

You cannot prevent him from having affairs by acting in accordance with his expectations. Do not accept blame. Do not think if you had done this or that things might have been different.

He is blame shifting!


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > So did you stay married?? Tell me how your story ends/is progressing. *My husband was already a Christian.* I’m a practicing Catholic so it’s not like I don’t believe in God. He just rededicated his life and I just practice differently than he does since this “epiphany” of his. And I have no plans to start attending his place of worship.
> ...





WilliamM said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > I’m not sure I’m buying it, but he said it’s because I wasn’t present for him. I work overnights, so I’m not home most nights during the week. He asked me to find another job and I never did. Because I like my job. But the reason I don’t buy his excuse is because he started his latest affair when I was on maternity leave and was home 24/7 for six weeks! He started the affair after I’d beem home for four weeks. Plus, on my off nights when I was home, he would often use that time to go out with his friends.
> ...


Ok. I asked him again why he cheated. His response verbatim: I wasn’t happy and I was hungry and I didn’t handle it as I would now if I could do it all over again


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Vcu118 said:


> He saw a counselor for three sessions and said he didn’t need to go anymore because he knows why he did what he did.


Yeah, run, run hard and fast.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> I’m not sure I’m buying it, but he said it’s because I wasn’t present for him. I work overnights, so I’m not home most nights during the week. He asked me to find another job and I never did. Because I like my job. But the reason I don’t buy his excuse is because he started his latest affair when I was on maternity leave and was home 24/7 for six weeks! He started the affair after I’d beem home for four weeks. Plus, on my off nights when I was home, he would often use that time to go out with his friends.


Putting any blame on you, as a justification to his cheating, proves he is not remorseful. 



Vcu118 said:


> Ok. I asked him again why he cheated. His response verbatim: I wasn’t happy and I was hungry and I didn’t handle it as I would now if I could do it all over again


So now you know what he will do once he decides he's no longer happy again.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> Ok. I asked him again why he cheated. His response verbatim: I wasn’t happy and I was hungry and I didn’t handle it as I would now if I could do it all over again


That's a real fancy way of saying "Because I wanted to."


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If he becomes a good Christian and lives a good clean life of service to the Lord, God may forgive him of his sins and allow him into the gates of Heaven. 


..... but that doesn't mean you have to be married to him anymore. 

Nor does it mean that you even want have him around. 

Every death row inmate claims to have found God. That doesn't mean that they didn't rape and murder and dismember children and dispose of their bodies in vats of acid though and that doesn't mean that we as a society have to allow them to roam freely in society. 

He has proven himself a serial cheater and has carried on a variety of affairs throughout your marriage. That is an indication of core character. That is who and what he is. 

He may choose to read the Bible and go to church on Sundays. But he is still the person that picks up chicks when his wife is at work and he was horny at the time.

That shows extreme selfishness and possibly narcissism. Reading the Bible is not going to change his character or his selfishness. He may choose to keep his willy in his pants and not screw other women while you are at work - but he is still the selfish and entitled person he was when he was schmoozing other women while you were working. Reading passages out of the Bible will not change his core character.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I suggest you start reading the Chumplady website. 

You will see that like death row inmates, there is also a whole genre of cheaters who screw around and then claim they have found God and are now all pious and righteous. 

Some of those cheaters even use the Bible to justify their adultery (I guess they all think they are Solomon and think they need hundreds of wives and concubines)

They call them "Jesus Cheaters" on that site. 

The bottom line is you have nothing special here. This is just another dude that is a serial cheater and womanizer and has chosen religion as his way to try to manipulate his way back into your house.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> Ok. I asked him again why he cheated. His response verbatim: I wasn’t happy and I was hungry and I didn’t handle it as I would now if I could do it all over again


So in other words the moment you weren't a porn star that was all over him and having wild porno sex with him every waking moment, he would go and hook up with another woman who happened to be available at that moment. 

So the question is, are you going to be able to be a wild porn star every moment of every day while raising young children and working nights or will there be times that you are busy with kids, at work, or sick or exhausted or your parents are visiting or you have to leave the house to get groceries and won't be able to cater to his every sexual whim or keep him completely thrilled and excited with life every moment of every day?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> I honestly have met several men who say they’ve never cheated and their marriages ended because of a lack of compatibility.


As a divorce attorney with over 20 years in the business please forgive me as I LOL!!!!!!!!! at this comment. If you believe these men then you're setting yourself up for huge disappointment.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > I honestly have met several men who say they’ve never cheated and their marriages ended because of a lack of compatibility.
> ...


So you think all mean cheat??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> So you think all mean cheat??


I'm not speaking for Verm, but I do not believe that is exactly what he meant. 

I think we all assume that if you have a handful of divorced people telling you that they never cheated - at least some of them are lying. 

This is true for both men and women. 

Going back to prison again, it's just like 95% of prison inmates claim to have been framed or misidentified or was a mistaken conviction. 

The same is true here. If you've had 5 divorced men tell you that they never cheated in marriage, at least one or two are lying through their teeth.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

> met several men who say they’ve never cheated


How many men said they cheated once?

How many men said they cheated repeatedly?

Do you think you'll ever meet any of those?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

> So you think all mean cheat??


No.

But them telling they didn't doesn't mean much. Do you expect the dishonest to be honest?


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

OutofRetirement said:


> > met several men who say they’ve never cheated
> 
> 
> How many men said they cheated once?
> ...


I haven’t met a lot of divorced men, Maybe less than five. I only remember one saying he cheated.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> So you think all mean cheat??


Not _all _but_ A LOT_. Especially divorced men that say what these men said.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sadly, the guys are always going to say they never cheated.

One thing I learned working with my wife and her shrinks is everyone lies. The only differences are how much and why.

So did your husband get down on his knees and explain to you how he would handle his unrequited lust now? How he would satiate his overwhelming desires that drove him outside for sex, now that he won't ever do that again? Just how will he handle it differently?

Most likely he'll just sneak around while you're at work, instead of when you're home.

If you do, for some reason, consider trying to give him another chance, on top of all the other chances he's already had, do you even know what complete transparency looks like?

You would have access to every account he has of every type, email, checking, saving, everything. He would have to have GPS monitoring on him at all times so you know where he is. You would need to track him down randomly to make sure he isn't leaving that monitoring device somewhere while he sneaks off. He can only have enough cash on him to pay what you think he needs to pay, and he would have to account for every penny spent. He would have to get money from you, not the bank. You have to tighten those thumb screws on the money to make sure he doesn't get a burner phone.

The list goes on, if you really want to have full transparency. Is it worth it?

If he steps one toe out of line, blow him up. Ten minutes late from somewhere, and crucify him. He better know what that means.


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## BlueSuedeShoes (Mar 9, 2018)

Polygraphs aren't highly accurate, but I agree with collecting as much information as possible. You never know what people accidentally leave behind.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I think what VK was saying is like the old cliche, "If you ask a man if he is honest and he says that he is don't trust him."

An honest person will say that they try to be honest, that they want to be honest but can think of times that they were not.

When men start to paint a nice picture of their lives they are often trying to seduce a woman, I hear it so often when guys are in pickup mode, it's like don't they have any originality. And what I hear women saying is that he was so nice at first.

Tamat


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Sadly, the guys are always going to say they never cheated.
> 
> One thing I learned working with my wife and her shrinks is everyone lies. The only differences are how much and why.
> 
> ...


He just said he would never cheat again because he knows how hurtful his actions have been. Said there would be complete transparency... as far as phones, phone tracking and bank statements. But haven’t gone so far as to do polygraph and gps monitoring and cash flow. He didn’t say how he would reject any possible lustful feelings in the future. He just said he has faith that God will work through our marriage. (Insert eyeroll here)


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

As for finding God, I think your H believes or is deluded into thinking that he has already been forgiven by a higher power and he has no further need to confess to you. My W has said on occasion that God forgives her for her prior sins, much easier than confessing to me I guess.

But there is no resetting the clock without a fully confession and an end to the lies, omissions and minimizations. 

To that end have your WH write out a detailed timeline for his affairs and then take him to a polygraph appointment, the main question will be is the timeline he gave you truthful. Do not allow him to connive or weasel out of this. 

Tamat


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> As for finding God, I think your H believes or is deluded into thinking that he has already been forgiven by a higher power and he has no further need to confess to you. My W has said on occasion that God forgives her for her prior sins, much easier than confessing to me I guess.
> 
> But there is no resetting the clock without a fully confession and an end to the lies, omissions and minimizations.
> 
> ...


Well, he has already said if we move forward we forget about the past and completely rebuild the marriage from the ground up. Not sure if he would be willing to spill the beans on all of his past affairs.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*He didn’t say how he would reject any possible lustful feelings in the future.*

Because none of us can avoid feeling lustful about people we are attracted to, it's often a matter of having proper boundaries, when women flirt with me I don't flirt back in spite of how good it feels.

Have you spoken with the OW? have you spoke the the H or SO of these OW?

Tamat


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

People have lustful feelings. I have them, my wife has them. The difference is in how we handle them.

What counts is how he handles them next time. Don't let him be vague about it. Don't let him say he won't have such urges. That is just a lie. Of course he is going to have them. 

Denying them is like saying he isn't going to have another bowel movement. The ******* will always win.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

*Not sure if he would be willing to spill the beans on all of his past affairs.*

He dosen't have a choice, you do not want to wonder if the woman he is talking to 20 years from now in a hotel lobby is an OW of his because you never were told. 

He has lost this game and can't win it by continuing to be dishonest, year zero begins with him spilling his guts.

Not to mention he has risked your health from HPV related cancers.

Tamat


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes, if he shows the slightest reluctance to tell you anything, anything at all about anything you ask about, crucify him. He has no right to withhold any tiny detail about anything.

You are in control. You, and you alone, control all the narrative. You control all the conversation, and every detail of what should be talked about. He does not get to decide.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> *He didn’t say how he would reject any possible lustful feelings in the future.*
> 
> Because none of us can avoid feeling lustful about people we are attracted to, it's often a matter of having proper boundaries, when women flirt with me I don't flirt back in spite of how good it feels.
> 
> ...


Is OW other woman? She actually messaged me and apologized. It infuriated me more than anything. She isn’t married. Considerably younger woman. She’s 26 I think. Husband is 40. After I said I wanted a divorce (June 2017), he said he severed ties with her. Wanted to work things out and we went on a family trip to Disney where he said he hoped I would see how good things could be again. (I later found out was a lie. He was STILL corresponding with her while we were on the trip.) But I stuck with the divorce plans when we returned. At some point they started going to church together and I guess he felt holy guilt and broke up with her finally in December. Which is when he really started laying it on thick that he was changed and wanted us to work on things. Her apology message came about a month later.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

Vcu118 said:


> TAMAT said:
> 
> 
> > *He didn’t say how he would reject any possible lustful feelings in the future.*
> ...


The other long term affair he admitted to involved a grad student from Germany. She moved back home after he said he was going to work on our marriage. I forgot to mention the latest affair involved a coworker.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Yes, if he shows the slightest reluctance to tell you anything, anything at all about anything you ask about, crucify him. He has no right to withhold any tiny detail about anything.
> 
> You are in control. You, and you alone, control all the narrative. You control all the conversation, and every detail of what should be talked about. He does not get to decide.


Thanks! I’ll be sure to stand firm!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Yes, if he shows the slightest reluctance to tell you anything, anything at all about anything you ask about, crucify him. He has no right to withhold any tiny detail about anything.


Well actually he does. He can choose to talk about the weather if he wants. 

Now she will certainly have the right to drop the mike and walk away if she feels she is being stonewalled in any way. 

And I think it is safe to say that she will be lucky to only get the very tip of the iceberg here. He has a well developed pattern of involvement with other women throughout their marriage. This is not a case of tee many martoonies at the office Christmas party and doing a little grab-assing under the mistletoe. These are repeated ongoing affairs and repeated continuations of the affairs after he was caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 

This is his lifestyle. This is his character and his destiny. 

He's not going to come completely clean even if it does cost the marriage.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

VermiciousKnid said:


> As a divorce attorney with over 20 years in the business please forgive me as I LOL!!!!!!!!! at this comment. If you believe these men then you're setting yourself up for huge disappointment.


Exactly.

Seen my share of divorces. When I hear the "compatibility" explanation I just shake my head. My MC once told me... In her 30+ years of C, she has concluded that in 99% of all marriages of 10+ years there are only *3 real reasons* that lead to D.

1) Spousal Abuse.
2) Financial Infidelity.
3) Sexual Infidelity.

All the other "stuff" is generally window dressing. :surprise:


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

RWB said:


> VermiciousKnid said:
> 
> 
> > As a divorce attorney with over 20 years in the business please forgive me as I LOL!!!!!!!!! at this comment. If you believe these men then you're setting yourself up for huge disappointment.
> ...


Ok. Thank you. That’s all fine and good. I’m not starting a relationship with these men. I guess that’s an issue for another thread.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I have to ask. Do you know for sure that your H ended the most recent affair and it's not a case of she dumped him for failing to file divorce papers and he's running back w his tail between his legs because he's single, alone, and you're a familiar chump?


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> I have to ask. Do you know for sure that your H ended the most recent affair and it's not a case of she dumped him for failing to file divorce papers and he's running back w his tail between his legs because he's single, alone, and you're a familiar chump?


He says he dumped her and had been wanting to do it for a while but was too much of a coward (according to the text message he forwarded me that he sent her). They do still work together once a week. If he’s being truthful, then they don’t see each other. I do have suspicions he may have started seeing someone else though because he went out on Valentine’s Day. Or he at least may have started dating again.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Vcu118 said:


> He says he dumped her and had been wanting to do it for a while but was too much of a coward (according to the text message he forwarded me that he sent her). They do still work together once a week. If he’s being truthful, then they don’t see each other. I do have suspicions he may have started seeing someone else though because he went out on Valentine’s Day. Or he at least may have started dating again.


Did you see her end of the conversation or are you just going by his word?

Regardless, he's most likely dating if he was out on Valentine's Day. Which is fine. You're dating, too. So why not just pull the plug, end the name only marriage, and continue as you have been?


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Vcu118 said:
> 
> 
> > He says he dumped her and had been wanting to do it for a while but was too much of a coward (according to the text message he forwarded me that he sent her). They do still work together once a week. If he’s being truthful, then they don’t see each other. I do have suspicions he may have started seeing someone else though because he went out on Valentine’s Day. Or he at least may have started dating again.
> ...


Well, that was my plan. But after I mentioned the divorce papers could be filed this week, he started asking me if that’s really what I wanted. And I said yes, because he hasn’t really done anything to prove he wants to fight for the marriage. His response is: why would he do anything to fight for the marriage if I’m dating around. He said he has done things and I just haven’t noticed because I’m preoccupied with my personal life/dating (which I disagree with). And he said the only way we could rebuild things is if we both focus on each other and have faith that God can work through our marriage and both practice complete transparency.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

Ok update. I told him we need to go through with the divorce unless he wants to date me among other men (like someone else suggested!). I said I don’t want to limit myself to the one man who has betrayed me most in my life. We have just had a lot of trust issues (Because of him, yes). Here is is response: 
“Okay. Well I hope my competition makes you fulfilled and all that I’m not to you. But I will be great for someone and always a great father. I’m not a bad person. I’ve made some bad decisions and progressed in some areas improperly but I’m not all bad. Thank you for the lessons.” 
And I responded: 
“You will be great for someone, I’m sure. I just honestly don’t think it’s me. And me not for you. I don’t know if I’ll find fulfillment elsewhere. I’m not really looking for it. I want to find fulfillment with myself. By myself. Thank you for the lessons as well.”


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Go through with the divorce. Even if years down the road you find your way back to each other, do not stall the divorce because of all the what-it's. He has proven over and over not to be trustworthy.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> Go through with the divorce. Even if years down the road you find your way back to each other, do not stall the divorce because of all the what-it's. He has proven over and over not to be trustworthy.


Agree! I just posted an update above! Thank you for your input!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You realize his answer was still vague and useless.

Your ex is full of excuses, and blame shifting. He won't state his mind openly and plainly. He won't be open with you at all. 

If he wanted to avoid divorce he should be crawling to you on his hands and knees begging you to forgive him. He must be willing to do all the heavy lifting. Asking for reconciliation is NOT, repeat NOT, a two way street. It is all on him to prove and prove and prove his undying loyalty to you and you alone. He needs to walk on coals for you, and happily be the first one to throw himself into the fire of total commitment, and willing to wait there for an eternity for you to join him.

That's what a successful reconciliation looks like.

My wife was willing to stay in that flame forever. She lived in hell waiting for me to join her. She points out she never turned her back on me after that one mistake, while I stamped all over the countryside, crushing everything in my path, in my anger.

A complete failure of a reconciliation is one that starts off with a Wondering Husband still dating other women saying well maybe he's interested, but only if you say you are, and only if he can't get another date for the next weekend.

He is just playing games with you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Vcu118 said:


> ... now he says he has rededicated his life to Christ and is sorry for his past.


Pffftt!!! :rofl:


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> You realize his answer was still vague and useless.
> 
> Your ex is full of excuses, and blame shifting. He won't state his mind openly and plainly. He won't be open with you at all.
> 
> ...


I totally agree!! That is what I tried to tell him. HE is the one who F/d up the marriage. HE is the one who should be groveling to get me back and do whatever i ask or need of him before I even think about considering if he’s worth another chance. Thank you for this. It really provided affirmation that I’m not being unreasonable.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

VCU,

You wrote, *I’ve made some bad decisions and progressed in some areas improperly but I’m not all bad. Thank you for the lessons.” *

Wow just wow, what a model of lameness he should run for public office. 

"Bad decisions" that's like not keeping a classic car you liked or drinking too much, is this a guy who used to play sports and has to win all the time? Write back "You destroyed your own family with your lies and cheating and nothing you can ever do for the rest of your life will erase that"

"progressed in some areas improperly" he even made progress in the area of cheating and lying what a super human being. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Oh send him this too, just edit the Gender, I did not write it, it was from another website, but it describes what you WH did, and what his future will be.

My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.

NewCreation2011


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

He may even believe he has God ON HIS SIDE BTW, LOL!


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Personally, at this point I think your best approach is to communicate as little as possible.

The more you engage him the worse it may be for your own peace of mind. From here out the only thing that matters is your and your children's peace of mind. 

He does not matter, at all.


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## Vcu118 (Mar 8, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> He may even believe he has God ON HIS SIDE BTW, LOL!


Of course he does! He has faith!! Also, I’m new to this site. What are all the abbreviations??! I figure OW is other woman, but I’m not 100% on all of them. Haha


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Vcu118 said:


> Of course he does! He has faith!! Also, I’m new to this site. What are all the abbreviations??! I figure OW is other woman, but I’m not 100% on all of them. Haha


Other Woman

I spell them out.

There is a list somewhere, but I keep forgetting where it is. I will look for it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html

Amazing, I found it!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RWB said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Seen my share of divorces. When I hear the "compatibility" explanation I just shake my head. My MC once told me... In her 30+ years of C, she has concluded that in 99% of all marriages of 10+ years there are only *3 real reasons* that lead to D.
> 
> ...


Alcoholism/drug addiction can be added to that list as well.


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