# All of the problems, one marriage,venting



## CATDOG (May 13, 2010)

OK, 
I will try to keep this fairly condensed(yeah right) but there's a lot and I feel the back ground info is relevant.
My Wife and I have been married for abour 4 years. We had a farily short courtship and more or less got married in a whirl wind. We both have a child from a previous relationship, and there is a 7 year age gap between the two of us with my self being the older. We have a new baby in our marriage, he's so amazing I feel myself getting choked up just writing about it. 
I am the sole bread winner for our family right now and my wife stays home and takes care of the kids. Let me start out by saying that I love my wife with all of my heart, I treasure her truly, which makes the fact that we have issues even more scary because I don't want to lose her, and I don't want to lose our family. To the issues:

1.) We have no sex life. Before baby we had little sex, now we have no sex. This always seems to be a complicated subject. She claims that it as always been me that has not wanted the sex. That's honestly not true. Early on of course we had sex often and it was amazing, my wife is extraordinarily attractive, and not a day goes by that I don't look at her and marvel at her beauty. I even tell her this but she scoffs, that I don't act like I feel that way. One of the issues is that we settled into a family life so quickly that things got stale very quick. I have no family in our area, and it made child care for dates and "us" time nearly impossible to coordinate on my own. One day we were dating and a couple months later we had two kids close in age, a mortgage, bills, a household, and a jam packed adult life. Pretty soon as the economy started to dive, my income went down, bills were piling, work was unstable, my anxiety and depression resurfaced from years ago and basically I became sexually and mentally unavailable. Not because I wanted it that way, but it just happened. I tried to explain to her that I was suffering from clinical depression, I asked her to read about it and try to understand, but she insisted on taking it personally which only exacerbated things for me. Pretty soon when we made love, she was so selfconscious that when we were done it just evolved into a litany of questions: Why aren't you as hard as you used to be? why don't you look at me when we make love? Are you thinking of other women when we make love? Why don't you want to talk more or make more noise. with the state of mind I was in, I just closed up, if I didn't I would just explode in anger because I couldn't imagine that the women I married could be so ignorant of the situation. To be honest I wanted sex with her but I didn't need the extra drama and needling afterwards. I checked out basically and just settled for an occassional masturbation and sex every once in a while. Fast forward- Now baby is here, she sleeps with the baby, she breast feeds the baby, the baby is on her hip 24/7 and she now says that I just never initiate sex. WHEN???? We can't even go out on a date because the baby won't drink a bottle. She says I never flirt, I try, I grope, I nuzzle, I tell her I want her, I tell her she looks beautiful, but I feel that she has given up on our sex life. She has esteem issues that date back way before our marriage, to me it is obvious, she just denies it. She doesn't think I find her attractive and Robert Shapiro couldn't convince her otherwise, she is extremely stubborn. Because she doesn't think I find her attractive, she doesn't want to flaunt her body to me or flirt in provacative ways that I find sexy. I swear I feel like I am just running around in circles,I'm completely and utterly lost. I have suggested counseling, she is against it. We can't afford it, who will watch the kids etc. etc. I have went to counseling my self for my anxiety and depression, and started taking a low dose of medication which has helped tremendously even though I am totally against taking it. I have noticed that it does affect my sex drive a little, but since there is no sex, who cares. I feel awful that my wife thinks I would rather rub one out than be with her. She often thinks that because I am not all over her all the time that I am cheating on her, either with another woman or with porn. I don't cheat on my wife, and I am faithful to my wife and my family. Much of the time I feel like I don't feel like I have much to be proud of other than that, I would't throw my wife and family away for a cheap fling. I feel insulted when she makes those kind of un founded accusations towards me, which turns to anger, which leads again to me closing up shop. I have considered just seeking counseling for myself, I don't know..... I am getting scared because I don't want this to be my marriage, and I really don't want this to be the end of my marriage. 

2.) We have major financial issues: I have managed to stay employed though out these tough times, but we may lose our house and the credit cards and other debt has been pushed aside for months. This weighs so heavily on my shoulders, I want to provide for my family, I want to save for retirement and my kids education, and now everything is gone. I may have to claim BK, not an option I prefer but my back is against the wall. I have a couple investments left that aren't liquid but may prove to be fruitful down the line. I just keep trying to hang on and pray that through my hard work and ingenuity a life line will emerge. My wife understands the gravity of this but, she doesn't seem to understand the full effect that this is having on me. She thinks I come home and zone out on the TV and surf the internet because I don't want to talk to her. That's not true, but again I am guilty of checking out with a drink and a movie or reading about fishing on line because that is the only peace and escape I can find.

3.) She complains that she never gets to do anything for herself. I actually feel for her because I see how much time she puts into taking care of the baby, and our children. But I also get frustrated because I have told her that I will support her 100% in anything that she wants to do, I have also proven through action that I am sincere about this statement. The problem is that my young wife does not seem to understand that you have to actually take initiative in order for anything to actually occur. She is so complacent that she accepts that she just doesn't have time for anything that she wants to do, I tell her the time doesn't just magically appear, you MAKE the time to do something for yourself. You want to go to the spa? yes we're short of money, but we can swing it atleast every other month or so, but YOU have to schedule it and stop making excuses. I get upset and tell her that she enjoys playing the martyr to our family and the victim to her selfish husband. I feel that what she is unwittingly doing is stacking up fuel for the future when she needs to justify getting out of this cage of a life. She deny's that(Stubborn) tells me I think I am the O'great sage of wisdom trying to tell her what she is thinking, but it's not an irriational or unlikely scenario. To be frank I don't think that she knows for sure what she herself thinks, I feel that somewhere along the way she missed how to be aware of her own feelings,and may not yet have learned how to step away from herself and see a different perspective except from the fish bowl looking out. I try to tell her that in order for her to be the best Mom and best Wife that she can be, she has to take care fo herself first, otherwise there is nothing left. Do I practice what I preach? Yes I do, I work out, I have hobbies, I have outlets, and I love spending time with my babies and doing activities with them. 


Ok, so if anyone reads this rambling diatribe. What do you think? Am I alone? What can I do? Where do I go from here? Am I cheating beacuse I snap one off here and there? I thought it was normal. Is it normal for her to want to know exactly what I think about when I masturbate, and when where and how much I do it? What is this madness? Can't we just have a few moderate boundaries? 

Exhausted, confused, lost, bummed out, sad.

At least I got to vent a little. Thanks for that at least.


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## NeedsImprovement (May 13, 2010)

I feel for you man. Your a hardworking, loving, caring, honest man and it hurts me to read this. I bet you cried writing that. I almost cried because it's always the hardworking... man who feels this way. It sucks. Women need to man the **** up and take responsibility. I Do, doesn't mean I will do anything and everything and not get a f**king thing in return.

It's not cheating that your masturbating, she's cheating on herself for making you want to do it in the first place. If she grabbed your wang and initiated sex every once in awhile I bet you wouldn't do that.

Stay at home mom's should get a job also. Give the baby to daycare center and earn sometjhing. Make your life worth something. The baby will be fine, you will feel better, your mind will get some air... But women never listen.


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## Mrs. B (May 13, 2010)

Hey Catdog. As a woman, I can understand where your wife is comming from. I've sufferd from postpardom depression since my son was born. Its gotten a little better over the last couple of years, but the first year and 1/2 was the worst for me. My husband couldn't do much of anything right to help me. It sounds like she may be suffering from the same thing. There should be a support group in your area for women dealing with PPD.

I know financial issues can weigh heavily on relationships. Its only money though. Its such a stupid stress if you think about it. 

I hope things get better for you. If I may recomend a book that was recomended to me.... The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. It teaches how to recognise how others, and yourself percieve love, and how to express it to thoes who have a different love language than you. Hope this helps.

... and no, there's nothing wrong with masterbating. Men need that release, its important especialy if shes not giving that release to you.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

I have a couple ideas for you... Don't know what will work, but thought I'd toss them out.

1. At some point, just after nursing the baby -- tell her to call a friend, and go for a walk. Take a couple hours, just her. Her agenda, no worries, just go. I realize it sounds little, but having been a stay-at-home mom, her job is never done. I remember not feeling like I could ever schedule time, because it was always looming. Always more to do. It's just so tedious and thankless... You cannot know when the baby will have needs, especially when it doesn't take a bottle. She's likely feeling leashed in and powerless. However, there is a bit of time after the baby has eaten, and you can simply give it to her as a GIFT. FREE!

When I was nursing, my husband used to do this a couple times per week (weekends or evenings usually). I started to get a little fitness back, found a smidgen of adult life. Reminded me why I chose him. It was a big gift!

2. About the money stuff. You're in a tough spot. I haven't been on the exact path you are on, but right now we are in a tough financial spot, and the thing that is working for us is to do it all together. ALL of it. We spreadsheet out the income, the expenses, the allowance money, and we decide how everything gets paid together. 

It is tough for her -- she has a really demanding job that pays ZERO. I believe you are somewhat responsible to help her realize that her job has as much value as yours, and you should spend the money as a team. Decide what gets cut as a team, etc.

Anyway, best of luck!


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