# How to have sex when your not happy with your spouse?



## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 yrs in August. Ever since we married our sex life has become worse and worse. At first I did not care because he was not meeting my needs and since I could (and still can) turn off my urges for sex with my anger that is how I stopped meeting his needs. I tried and tried to work towards us reconciling and meeting each others needs. It has not worked he still does not meet my emotional needs and I don't meet his physical. The only difference is now I have been working on understanding the part I have to play in this plus I am tired of fighting and know I don't plan on divorce so another plan needs to be created. I don't want anyone else so really now I want to learn how to make love to my husband even if we are not getting along. Which seems like all the time anyway. I have talked to some women in the past who do this without issue and I would like to know how do you have sex with your husband even if you don't think he is meeting your needs? I need to understand this type of thinking.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I'd love to hear the answer to this too mjw ... I'm in kinda the same boat that you are. I don't want to go into my story again here ... I have a few threads about it up already. Suffice it to say that after years and years of sex only 4 or 5 times a year I'm past the point where I even want it anymore. 

In fact, in our 3rd couples counseling session I told him that ... I'm full of anger and resentment about the years we missed and that I'm grieving for my sex life. And I don't want it anymore and I won't do it anymore ... though obviously it's not an issue to him anyway. 

So ... yeah, I'd love to hear others' thoughts on this too.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My husband and I still make love when we are angry or upset with each other. It reinforces our bond and reminds us that the marriage is more important than holding grudges. I say "I love you" when we are arguing...it keeps me from getting too angry and shouting.

I love sex and I would rather be happy than right. :smthumbup:


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I wish I could be like you Mrs. G ... but honestly I just don't have those feelings for my husband anymore. There's no emotional intimacy between us now ... we've been married for almost 28 years but that part of me is dead. I just can't ever picture myself having sex with him again. And I used to love it too ... even though we hardly ever had it and it was always at night, in the dark, in bed before sleep. I'm just gonna try to stay really busy from now on ... lol.


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> My husband and I still make love when we are angry or upset with each other. It reinforces our bond and reminds us that the marriage is more important than holding grudges. I say "I love you" when we are arguing...it keeps me from getting too angry and shouting.
> 
> I love sex and I would rather be happy than right. :smthumbup:


That's a good way to think of it. I am going to keep your words in my mind as I try to reconnect with my husband.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

I believe that sex is very important to any marriage, and it should always happen during ups or downs in marriage like a silent communication


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

smart idea's here in case we get into a fight.


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## blondebombshell (May 2, 2011)

I guess I'm the opposite. I don't mind having sex with my husband when I am angry. They say makeup sex is really good, unfortunately, I don't know if it's true or not because he won't touch me anytime we're arguing or just finished arguing.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i still dont understand why alot of women view sex as the mans need. this equates to sex being a bargaining chip to get her needs met. sex is an intimate experience between two committed people, its natures gift to each other, enjoy and quit over analyzing and complicating it.


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## blondebombshell (May 2, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i still dont understand why alot of women view sex as the mans need. this equates to sex being a bargaining chip to get her needs met. sex is an intimate experience between two committed people, its natures gift to each other, enjoy and quit over analyzing and complicating it.



I think it's because for a good amount of women, sex isn't an extremely important physical want or need. I remember there was a time when I could have gone months without having sex with my husband. He would pester and nag me about it and I just didn't feel it was necessary. I was extremely depressed and I did not want any physical contact at all. The tables turned recently and I've realized that my marriage is happier when we have more sex. We argue less and talk more. The only negative thing is after him being denied sex so much, he rarely ever initiates sex and sometimes when I do, he denies me.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

tranquility said:


> I wish I could be like you Mrs. G ... but honestly I just don't have those feelings for my husband anymore. There's no emotional intimacy between us now ... we've been married for almost 28 years but that part of me is dead. I just can't ever picture myself having sex with him again. And I used to love it too ... even though we hardly ever had it and it was always at night, in the dark, in bed before sleep. I'm just gonna try to stay really busy from now on ... lol.


You poor sweet lady. You have something that will take me years to build up...experience. We have only been together for four years and married for less than one. Employment challenges and family issues have made us draw closer together. Now we are doing better financially and we stay away from toxic influences. 

I hope that menopause will not be too hard for me when that time comes in about 25 years...sometimes it can cause sexual problems. My husband is almost forty, so hopefully ED will not be present. 

I enjoy making love in the dark the most...my hubby is a daytime lover. We mix it up.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

I never viewed it as a bargaining chip ... ever. I never ever turned him down on the rare occasions when he initiated. Or as the man's need since my man didn't seem to need it at all whereas I sure did. 

My point is that since we never had a sex life in any normal sense of the word, I now carry a lot of resentment toward him about that. And my desire for it is gone ... I cant have sex with someone I dont feel connected to. For me it's way more than a physical act. It's part and parcel of the whole intimate relationship, emotional as well as physical ... so if I don't feel that emotional connection there's no way I'm gonna engage in physical intimacy. I can't have one without the other.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I had a similar problem in my marriage. Our relationship was very close, and loving before we had kids. We had shared values, agreed on the division of labour since we both worked and I developed into a good lover from a shaky start. We then had our first child and things started going south. My husband withdrew, would not take up the slack with the extra labour. I tolerated it for years and finally reached a tipping point where I did not want him to touch me. I was at the point of leaving when I happened to read a 2 volume book - "For Him and For Her". 

I was supprised to learn that for men, sex is the was they feel love. Without it they may become depressed, feel less than a man and unloved. Life is rather gray and desperate. So sex is not only for pleasure. I spoke to my husband about what I read and he confirmed it. I was shocked. Further reading confirmed what I read and post from men in sex starved marriage on this forum. 

That understanding made it possible for me to reach out to him because I never stopped loving him. I finally figured out what happened. When we had babies I feel in love with them and lavished attension on them. I realize now tgat my husband was suddenly ignored and lost me as a wife. That started the spiral down.

It may help for you to read about the emotional meaning of sex for a man who loves and commits to one woman. Very often, I think anyway, the problems start due to ignorance, stuborness, rightiousness and many inappropriate human emotions. Someone has to make the first move in the stalemate. Perhaps if you read and understand it would give you the courage to reach out to your husband. It is amazing to me how my relationship with my husband changed. We are doing well still working on it. I have a hard tim forgeting the years that I was so miserable. But I know he was miserable too. I think he finds it easier to put it behind than I do. 

If you examine what happened to start this disconnect, you may be able to identify the critical events that initiated the problems and your role and your husbands role. I have to add that you can hold out the olive branch and start loving him but you need something from him in return. He has to make the effort to meet your needs or you will end back where you are now. You both must resolve to meet each others needs not just you catering to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

That's the thing tho ... there wasn't any particular "thing" to cause things to spiral down. They were never good in the first place. He told me once when I was desperate to talk about it that "sex was gross." And even when the counselor pressed him as to why he wanted sex so infrequently all he could tell her was that he guessed he just had a low sex drive. 

So he doesn't view sex the same way as most men apparently. He just doesn't need it ... never has. He doesn't masturbate either which he admitted to the counselor. So for me to reach out to him would be pointless since he doesn't view sex as part of a love relationship.


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

Lots of great advice on here thank you. I am just so so tired of fighting. I still love my husband and hope that we can slowly start moving closer. I just sent him an email outlining my needs to help me feel like being intimate again. I hope that he does not get mad but just in return tells me what he wants. Many of my needs are just respectful behavior. In the past my list of needs would have had to do with the house being cleaned ect. Now it's not. Sex has never been a bargaining chip for me. However, there were just certain things and ways that my husband would act that turned me off. I would feel in the mood then wham it would be gone. I'm starting to get over those things as I get older and reality has set in. I will keep you posted on the results.


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

O yeah! listening to Dr. Laura Berman has been so helpful for he and I.


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## tranquility (Mar 13, 2011)

Best of luck with your husband, mjw. I hope he reads it and sees it as a way back toward reconnecting with you. And I hope I didn't hijack your thread. I apologize if it seemed that I did.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i still dont understand why alot of women view sex as the mans need. this equates to sex being a bargaining chip to get her needs met. sex is an intimate experience between two committed people, its natures gift to each other, enjoy and quit over analyzing and complicating it.


I agree but that is because so many men regard sex as a man's need and something they need to get from women. You talk about a beginning chip - by that do you mean that no matter how poorly a woman needs are being met that she should continue to share this intimate natures gift with her husband? I don't really think you mean that but it sounds tgat way. 

If sex were viewed as natures gift to a loving couple perhaps there would be more understanding. But really, if men want women to understand them they have to make an effort to understand us. If you read through the post on the forum there seems to be a recurring theme. Men seem to expect to have sex with their partner no matter how poorly he is meeting her needs. If like this poster, a man refuses to meet his wife's needs after she has communicated them, it is in the nature of women to lose sexual attraction. 

Sex is not viewed as a shared experience in my opinion. The act is skewed towards getting the woman to perform not share natures gift. If mutual satisfaction were really how sex was viewed, a man would make love to the woman he was with and enjoy her and the sexuality she brings. There would be less frustration about what she does not do for him and more enjoying what she does do. How many post have you read where men consider having sex in the missionary position as boring. Or complaints about the wife not liking to have anal sex? Or not making noises or being enthusiastic. 

These complaints don't sound like sex as an intimate experience being shared. To me, it sounds like each persons expectations are at odds and they are not having sex with each other but with some standard in their heads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Don't forget to read for understanding and see if your husband will do the same. Even if he does not, you can still benefit. It takes change in just one person to change a relationship between the two. 

Read about how men think and how they view committed relationships. Every man if different but I notice to one degree or another there are some common characteristics and reactions for many men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

For a lot of people, holding onto the resentment, bearing the grudges and "winning" are FAR more important than maintaining the connections in their relationship. Their relationship models use "my way or the highway" and "we had to destroy the village to save the village" as examples of how to make things work.


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## mjw82704 (Jun 20, 2008)

tranquility said:


> Best of luck with your husband, mjw. I hope he reads it and sees it as a way back toward reconnecting with you. And I hope I didn't hijack your thread. I apologize if it seemed that I did.


Tranquility you are fine you did not hijack my thread. I got the information that I needed. Best of luck to you as well.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> I agree but that is because so many men regard sex as a man's need and something they need to get from women. You talk about a beginning chip - by that do you mean that no matter how poorly a woman needs are being met that she should continue to share this intimate natures gift with her husband? I don't really think you mean that but it sounds tgat way.
> 
> If sex were viewed as natures gift to a loving couple perhaps there would be more understanding. But really, if men want women to understand them they have to make an effort to understand us. If you read through the post on the forum there seems to be a recurring theme. Men seem to expect to have sex with their partner no matter how poorly he is meeting her needs. If like this poster, a man refuses to meet his wife's needs after she has communicated them, it is in the nature of women to lose sexual attraction.
> 
> ...


you can spin scenarios on this all day. its the classic chicken or egg argument. certainly there are many marriages where the balance of the blame is on one of the spouses, for a myriad of reasons. i guess i tend to think of these issues as most everything being fairly normal (no abuse, infidelity, substance use, etc...). someone changes the dynamic first, something happens to make the sex diminish from what it once was. that has to be looked at in any individual situation.

men also have other needs. i need my wife to get her health problems taken care of, i need her to stop hoarding and making our home unlivible, i need her to work on her appearance. i need her to recognize that she has problems that are greatly contributing to our demise. thats an individual situation and no one size fits all. whats interesting is my wife could minimize my negative feelings towards these things if she would show more interest in me sexually, if our frequency increased so would my patience. my resentments would lower.

i think i have seen enough women on here that arent getting sex from their husbands to refute the general statement that "sex is skewed towards getting women to perform", i have also seen enough eveidence that many men (me included) want their woman to enjoy the sexual experience as much as they do. yeah, there are some men that are selfish about sex, some women too. i think your comment about boring sex could also be construed as service sex. someone not into it wants it over with. as for the anal comment, you are cherry picking a few posts from people who are selfish and expect their wife to do thing she isnt comfortable with, and that is wrong for anyone to expect. Most married couples started off sexually compatable, thats a main attraction point early on. something changes down the road, and it could come from anywhere.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MJW, please don't allow anyone to dismiss your feelings about this. I have been there. I loved my husband, understood that we needed to have sex in order to reconnect, but physically felt it would make me emotionally break down if I initiated sex with him because NONE of my needs were being met. It made me feel like I was being used by him.

Sex is a need for a woman, but a lot of women like myself need other things just as much if not more. For me sex is a need that stems from my other needs being met. What I mean is, if my other needs for conversation and security are being met then I NEED sex. It would be akin to feeling the need for water after a hard workout. Sure we need water every day of our lives, but the need is much more immediate after a strenuous workout session. That's how I relate my need for sex. It isn't felt as urgently if my other needs aren't met, so much so that I begin to wonder if I need it at all.

At any rate, I understand how you feel and I was once where you are. My husband and I were at a stalemate and someone had to be the first to make the first move. Here is some PRACTICAL advice on how to make this transition: 

First, start treating yourself the way you want your husband to treat you. I've learned that many of the needs I have can be met by myself or by other people, but my husband can only have his need for sex met by me. Keep that in mind. Here are some things you can do:


Buy yourself some flowers


Watch a romantic comedy by yourself


Read a book or magazine you like


Reconnect with a friend


Give yourself a manicure/pedicure

The goal is to be your OWN best friend. Treat yourself well, don't expect him to do it. The more attention you give yourself, the less you will feel unappreciated by him. Put more effort in making yourself happy and less on expecting him to make you happy.

Second, when you DO have those brief moments where you are aroused let your husband know right away. Don't let the moment pass, because it can fade just as quickly as it came. If your husband isn't home, text him that you are feeling amorous. That way, he'll expect that from you when he gets home and it will put pressure on yourself to deliver since you've already mentioned it to him.

Third, keep a record of how much you have sex. I make a note in my journal and put a star on a calander on the days that we have any type of sex. I keep track of it so that I don't allow myself to fall into a complacent rut.

Be patient with yourself and him. Things didn't get this way overnight, so they won't change overnight. However, once you start doing these simple things you'll be amazed at how fast your husband can turn around. Give yourself a week to put it to practice. If you feel angry towards him for any little reason, don't tell him just write it down in a journal or go on a message board and vent but don't let him know. Your goal is to be yourself, but the best version of you. Just do it for a week and see how things turn around.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Sage Advice.*



Catherine602 said:


> I had a similar problem in my marriage. Our relationship was very close, and loving before we had kids. We had shared values, agreed on the division of labour since we both worked and I developed into a good lover from a shaky start. We then had our first child and things started going south. My husband withdrew, would not take up the slack with the extra labour. I tolerated it for years and finally reached a tipping point where I did not want him to touch me. I was at the point of leaving when I happened to read a 2 volume book - "For Him and For Her". I love that book. Unfortunately, your story is very very common. It is one of the reasons no babies are growing in THIS uterus. Those little wonders are just too disruptive. I rarely hear of husbands who actually help with childrearing. No thanks!
> 
> I was supprised to learn that for men, sex is the was they feel love. Without it they may become depressed, feel less than a man and unloved. Life is rather gray and desperate. So sex is not only for pleasure. I spoke to my husband about what I read and he confirmed it. I was shocked. Further reading confirmed what I read and post from men in sex starved marriage on this forum. I am lucky that I figured this out early in life....all that reading paid off, along with complaints of men I dated when I was more inhibited. I foolishly tried to have relationships with men I wasn't physically attracted to. I thought that lust would catch up with my heart, but it can't if the guy is ugly, no matter how nice the personality is.
> 
> ...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

One of the many counselors we hired and fired over the years used the phrase, the exact phrase "Hate ****ing".


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I was supprised to learn that for men, sex is the was they feel love. Without it they may become depressed, feel less than a man and unloved. Life is rather gray and desperate. So sex is not only for pleasure. I spoke to my husband about what I read and he confirmed it. I was shocked.


Catherine has put her finger on one of those differences between men and women that members of each sex find shocking about the other--where each feels that something is so central and obvious that it never occurs to either to say it outright.


Catherine602 said:


> If sex were viewed as natures gift to a loving couple perhaps there would be more understanding....The act is skewed towards getting the woman to perform not share natures gift. If mutual satisfaction were really how sex was viewed, a man would make love to the woman he was with and enjoy her and the sexuality she brings. There would be less frustration about what she does not do for him and more enjoying what she does do.


For men, sex is a burning need, not just physically but emotionally. Most men do want their partners to enjoy sex and to be emotionally fulfilled by it. That doesn't change the fact that a woman who is willing to be generous, to at least try something she's sure she wouldn't like, is demonstrating her love for her man extremely powerfully.

A man is used to doing all sorts of things for his woman that he doesn't like. (For my father, it was working all day every day at a job he hated.) If he's a thoughtful man, he also makes sure that his woman gets what she wants most out of sex most of the time. Wanting her to explore his fantasies, and sometimes to give generously of herself in doing so, isn't wrong of him.

When a man wants a woman to take part in something particular that figures in his sexual/emotional life, he isn't asking her to "perform" like a trained horse. Often he's giving her access to a deeply personal part of himself.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I agree but that is because so many men regard sex as a man's need and something they need to get from women. You talk about a beginning chip - by that do you mean that no matter how poorly a woman needs are being met that she should continue to share this intimate natures gift with her husband? I don't really think you mean that but it sounds tgat way.
> 
> If sex were viewed as natures gift to a loving couple perhaps there would be more understanding. But really, if men want women to understand them they have to make an effort to understand us. If you read through the post on the forum there seems to be a recurring theme. Men seem to expect to have sex with their partner no matter how poorly he is meeting her needs. If like this poster, a man refuses to meet his wife's needs after she has communicated them, it is in the nature of women to lose sexual attraction.
> 
> ...


Having sex in missionary can get BORING. So what if spouses want to try new positions? Noises reassure men that the woman is enjoying lovemaking. I don't think men want to make love with a lady, who only wants to lie on her back silently like she's at the dentist. These things make sex a mutual experience, not a duty. Any kind of anal play is getting kinky, so I could see why people would be squeamish...If my husband wanted me to rim him, I wouldn't be into that at all.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

First of all, it's very good that you acknowledge the importance of keeping the sex going (even if you are not getting on great with your husband). Buy beautiful lingerie, cook a good meal and make a date night! Make this a regular thing (once a week if possible).


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