# left heartbroken by husbands affair



## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Hi all, I had to share that i just found a secret phone in my husbands car..it was for a woman named carla..I played the voicemail and they are clearly having an affair..she is 25 and he is 46. I cant get the texts and voicemails out of my mind..its crushing me.. she said ilove you baby and called him sweetheart. thr texts lay out some very upsetting truths. I have always suspected, and he hasnt shown intrest in me for a year..he bought the provate phone in august last year. He denied and said she has had a crush on him and even called her a stalker. He finally admitted it. We have a nice home and great kids, we have been married 24 years. Please help me with advice, how do i tell my kids, that is killing me. i just am so embarrased and sick, i cant eat. all i can say omg..where do i go from here. he appears to be heartbroken..and its for him his house and lifestyle and the kids, i do believe he hated seeing me like this..I just do not know what todo...thanks
ps..i have chrohns disease and had quite a few surgeries, and unfortunately had to go to rehab for pain pills..i have been clean and sober for 9 months and will not turn to them or anything ever.
so he has been through all of that with me, not very caring but stayed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You must look after yourself. Try to keep it together for the children. 

Do you want to remain married to him? Does he want to remain married to you?

Is counselling an option?

Chrohns disease is horrible. It runs in my family, so I know a little bit about it.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

thanks Mattmatt, Thanks so much. Yes he wants to remain married to me. I dont think i want to be married to but living on my own is very scary, my two youngest have mild autism. What I want is to wake up from this nightmare. I have never ever felt this way. He still isnt giving me the whole story and how could i ever trust again, let alone look at him.
Reading some of these posts are a Godsend, it is so comforting knowing i am not the only one.
I dont think i can be a part of anytpe of counseling with him. the hurt and pain are so bad. Will it ever get better?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

1 - Lawyer. 2 - Thereapist (IC).
3 If you are not ready to make long life decision for now you needs to lay the law.

He send a NC letter (ask for templates here) to end the affiar properly. He agrees to a NC agreement in case OW doesn't go away on her own forever.
He is acountable for his whereabouts.
He provide emails passwords and surrender every affair tool.
He's transparent money wise. He is acountable and gave back to the family every penny he spent on the wh0re.
He provide you a full disclosure at your satisfaction, no deadline to ask questions.
He is proactive at getting help to fix what he broke; IC for him, MC, books, online help.

Asuming it's not simply an inmediate dealbreaker for you and he fulfill your requerements you still detach for a while, wait to see, take care of your self at all levels untill you are ready to decide for R or D.

Week ends are a little slowly here, you will reveice wiser advice for the vets very soon. I'm sorry you had to come here.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Thanks so much. He came homje last night and said please give him another chance. I am so angry and keep thinking about the A and and keep saying the same things to him over and over, like OMG i cant believe this, you never even thought about the kids. MY eldest is 21 just a few years younger than OW. My oldest has been so upset and has seen how upset I am and how her father looks so guilty. SO i asked her if maybe her boyfriend wouldn't come over tonight. I just couldnt bear him seeing me, i am so embarrased. SO i basically told her that Dad has hurt me so bad, that i am devastated for me and my kids. She figured out but couldnt say the words, she just yelled why did u ever get married, i wish i wasnt born..just devasted and it only makes me despise him more. I hope I didnt do the wrong thing in telling her, she is so smart that i felt like i couldnt let her being mean to me. I started to cry, and she came after me and said Mom I don't want u to cry and hugged me and i told her i am so sorry, she then went to her boyfriends house. I didnt give her any of the aqful details which are
the secret phone
calling the only number and her answering , with hey baby wud up holy god, she sounds just awful she then before hanging up sweetheart ?
Or that she is 25 and he is 46
that i listed to just 2 days worth of voicemails and she was mad at him once and said i need to see you please come down and talk to me
Great news she works very close to his job with easy access
all the lightbulbs going off in my head.
it goes on
I so dont want to sound conceited and are usually very humble
but im attractive, and have a fun loving happy outlok even with all my surgeries. I am 5ft 5 and weigh 120lbs, and am now down to 113lbs.
Men have hit on me, and I would never do that.
I am so scared for my future, what is going to happen to me and my kids. Right now he is sleeping at his brothers very small apartment. I know how he must miss his house, etc..
He also sounds awful, I so wish this was a nightmare, my self esteem is gone. I also face another surgery soon and when i expressed my concern and my shock that I have this complication.. he fell asleep while i was crying about it.
Lastly i think he might have given me an std. i no he hates condoms and i forced out of him that she is on the pill
I have some symptoms, i am going to get tested, but feel so foolish and stupid. Please give me a little advice, you all are so helpful


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Serenity, I am so sorry you are here. 26 (well, it will be 27 when the divorce is finalized) years of marriage down the tubes for me for the very same reason. Its it horrible, scary and insulting.
Here is some good news for you. If you want to try to save your marriage, then it is entirely on your terms. You now have all the power, but now you also have to be strong. There is no timetable for any of this.
Do not make a decision right now, if right now is not good for you.
For me, my STBXH knew the day we married that infidelity was a complete deal breaker. There is a part of me that believes he had the A for that very reason.
There are a lot of folks on this board who can walk you through what is required for a meaningful R, I am not one of those. I didn't want to stay in a marriage in which I was so disrespected-and the A was only part of that disrespect.
Regardless of the direction you think you might go, I absolutely agree with MattMatt that you should see an attorney to discuss your rights. All information will help you right now. And go make an appointment with your family doctor for testing and referral for counseling. What you are going through is overwhelming and there is nothing wrong with getting help.
I am also so sorry for your children. Stay strong and keep breathing.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

serenity 02030 said:


> Hi all, I had to share that i just found a secret phone in my husbands car..it was for a woman named carla..I played the voicemail and they are clearly having an affair..she is 25 and he is 46. I cant get the texts and voicemails out of my mind..its crushing me.. she said ilove you baby and called him sweetheart.


I am sorry you have to visit this board. 

As an BS, I can't understand my STBEH's affair either. It is so upsetting to know he lied to my face so convincingly about something so devastating to our marriage. 

Yes. seeing the sweet talk between the two of them forever takes away the specialness I thought we shared. Also, the two complained about their respective spouses. Silly stuff, but still. 

Cheaters are selfish self absorbed people, IMO. That is how they can cheat without thinking of the effect on their spouse. 

I have had plenty of opportunities to cheat. I free lance as a fitness instructor for a free club membership and an upscale health club. 

I run into plenty of wealthy interested men. Still, I just said no. I could not hurt my husband just for a roll in the hay.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am so sorry this has happened. Please take care of yourself - make sure you eat. And get to the doctor and get tested for STD's stat.

Why don't you suggest he move out so you can clear your head? When I discovered what my husband was up to I kicked him out. Being alone isn't scary, it's liberating and gave me the chance to figure out what I really wanted.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I am so sorry this has happened. Please take care of yourself - make sure you eat. And get to the doctor and get tested for STD's stat.


I forgot that in my list. Got to your doctor, get tested for STD.
I know you are hurting very badny but don't delay this any longer. Doctor and lawyer are the must do.

I'm very sorry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

serenity 02030 said:


> thanks Mattmatt, Thanks so much. Yes he wants to remain married to me. I dont think i want to be married to but living on my own is very scary, my two youngest have mild autism. What I want is to wake up from this nightmare. I have never ever felt this way. He still isnt giving me the whole story and how could i ever trust again, let alone look at him.
> Reading some of these posts are a Godsend, it is so comforting knowing i am not the only one.
> I dont think i can be a part of anytpe of counseling with him. the hurt and pain are so bad. Will it ever get better?


Yes, it does get better. Really. It does.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Oh thank you all. I just got back from the doctors, and they are all so helpful and wise. When they saw me and my state, they were shocked. They drew blood and took urine for all std's. I should know in 3 days, i pray it is negative, I dont think I can take anymore. I had to tell my daughter that we arent giving up and dad is so regretful and that he will do anything for us. I told her now it is all about her and her siblings (who do not know) I am not sure about the lawyer yet, but i know i should. I am living a nightmare that i dont hink i will ever wake up from


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Fingers crossed serenity, I truly hope that the test results are negative. Don't try to make any decisions just yet. Let it sink in first.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I replied in your other thread too

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51369-ever-right-stay-together-kids.html#post913449

Good for you for getting tested. One day at a time now. I really think you'd be better off with him gone. Have you asked him to go to a hotel for a few days or something?


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Oh yes Hope, he has been at his brothers house, so he says. I do believe him on this one. I have turned into a blabbering mess, i know i will get it together, I hope...no pun intended


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Right now don't worry about what he's up to. Get your head together. Are you talking to him at all? I couldn't bring myself to talk to my husband face to face for almost 3 months - we communicated by email. If you're talking to him tell him you don't know how much time you're going to need and don't let him make you let him come home till you're ready.

You might also let him know that IF you decide to take him back you're going to want a full accounting of his time and what he's up to right now. But that right now you don't give a rats a$$.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Serenity,


Just take life one day at a time.

With a house full of kids you just need to focus on your health and the kids right now.

Get your results first so you know where you stand with your health.

You need to get some type of counselling for you and possibly your kids too.

Do not make any hasty decisions with respect to your marriage. Your emotions are allover the place right now and that is understandable.

Just know you are not alone and wiser people will chime in.

Hm64


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I told her now it is all about her and her siblings (who do not know)


That's why you need to put on your own oxygen mask first.
The lawyer is necessary, friend. First, talking to them doesn't mean necessary you are going to file, but you need to find out where you stand in case things go south. DDay is very fresh, your husband is all words but you don't know how he will turn let's say in a couple of weeks. He has proven to be sneaky, a lier, for a while he's in probation, until further advice you asume he's untrustworthy. Be sure you are covered. You and your childrens need some reasurance.

IMHO it's another step, just as the Doctor apointment.

What about your demands? Start thinking about what are your demands, dealbreaker and expectations.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Gosh I am overwhelmed by you all,
my awful day has come to and end...ok now why cant I sleep! I am starting to get mysewlf back. I think mostly for my eldest who just knows her dated cheated on me, as shre screamed at him. She is one tough smart kid. I think my change of attitude is soley for her. We all sat at the table a very distraught husband, and daughter. I manned i mean wommened up for her, and said things like I have no right to judge anyway, that dad is truly remorseful, and that i do have forgivness in my heart. Just saying things I think she should here. See I have had 8 major surgeris for my chrohns disease, there has been alot of weeks spent at a time. Then i shamefully gotmyself addicted to my pain pills, it got pretty bad and In over 2 years been to 1 rehab, two outpatient, and one detox. Now she has said she wishes we never got married, rightfully she has been very angry and hurt. I still have alot of guilt and remorse. BUT the good news is that I have never felt more sober. I have 8 months and involved in my program and to do the very best i can to do. I don't know if it was spiritual awakening or Mama bear but there is no way I would put a pill in my mouth, i know how awful that would be . When he left I walked him out, boy why i love to see him living in his brothers cramped space.. well he said "thank you so much for all you said to her, and that he didnt deserve any of the kind words , and he left with his head down. My husband is a tough very hard working man. He is a capenter forman and he builds bridges. He is a strong buff ccarpenter that has been clearly in a midlife crisis and all my surgeries and relapse were very hard. I lied to him as an addict but still had my marriage morals in tact. Oh God i dont want to think of these and start to blame myself. I just cant imagine life without him, i cant believe I said that. Because i feel like ive not only been betrayed have been crushed do not think i can ever get over it, trust him, or even let me touch me.
Thanks everyone, and i am getting sleepy! Yea


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Stop. stop. stop.
You sound as though you are trying to make excuses for his behavior and that has to stop right now.
No matter what you have gone through, regardless of your struggles, he is in complete control of HIS actions. You have remained faithful, he has not. The A is entirely on him. 
We all have pressure and pain and struggles in our lives and deal with them the best we can, but we don't all cheat on our spouses. Remember that. Get steely-eyed strong now, especially if you are willing to R.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

serenity 02030 said:


> Thanks so much. He came homje last night and said please give him another chance. * I am so angry and keep thinking about the A and and keep saying the same things to him over and over, like OMG i cant believe this, you never even thought about the kids. MY eldest is 21 just a few years younger than OW. My oldest has been so upset and has seen how upset I am and how her father looks so guilty. *SO i asked her if maybe her boyfriend wouldn't come over tonight. I just couldnt bear him seeing me, i am so embarrased. SO i basically told her that Dad has hurt me so bad, that i am devastated for me and my kids. She figured out but couldnt say the words, she just yelled why did u ever get married, i wish i wasnt born..just devasted and it only makes me despise him more. I hope I didnt do the wrong thing in telling her, she is so smart that i felt like i couldnt let her being mean to me. I started to cry, and she came after me and said Mom I don't want u to cry and hugged me and i told her i am so sorry, she then went to her boyfriends house. I didnt give her any of the aqful details which are
> the secret phone
> calling the only number and her answering , with hey baby wud up holy god, she sounds just awful she then before hanging up sweetheart ?
> Or that she is 25 and he is 46
> ...




This is hard.
Also disrespectful to you and your children.
This is absolutely not your fault.
Why should you accept this?
You have some serious decisions to make........


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, you have GOT to stop even thinking about blaming yourself. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He needs to end all contact with her completely and forever if he even wants you to THINK about reconciling with him.

Tell him that.

Get tested for STDs. Both of you.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Serenity --- You might feel like you want to save it one week, and the next week feel like you can't run fast enough to the lawyers office. Don't rush yourself. You have time, and feelings may become clearer or foggier as days pass. Just take your time and don't push yourself at this point. After you have had a week or so to digest it all, it would be time to figure out some boundaries for you and the H, living together or not.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT


x1000
Everyone is the master of their actions. Nobody forced him. He lost his way on his own. He lacked self respect, he lacked others respect. He's to blame 120%.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Serenity, don't be so quick to forgive. It can be counterproductive.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Thanks for sticking with me here. I read over my posts and it doesn't even seem like me. Im getting stronger, Hope I only saw him yesterday when he came down we sat down with our oldest. I am saying to myself that I didnt deserve this. Thanks to you guys I have stopped thinking about all Ive done wrong, but all I have done right. I actually let him speak on the phone, since this has happened every time he talk I yell something about him and the OW.
I told him about full disclosure, and some questions I know were stupid, Like what does she look like...then I will just get angry all over again. When i let him talk he said, that he really doesnt know why he did this, but he knows he drinks way too much and that needs to stop. Ive been telling this for years, he isnt a big drinker , none at home etc. but he goes out with guys, a whole differnt person. He said he misses our life before I stoped drinking etc..he knows that is so selfish but he is being honest. Well that hurt, I said, so you think Im boring? and he said no not at all and I just was an idiot, different nword there. He sai he needs therapy, duh! I said I wish before you tore upart are family, you told me we need to go to marriage counseling. When he was over last night, this is rediculous but I washed my puffy swollen face, put some makeup on..all because Im feeling so insecure I think.. which is not a feeling I am familiar with. The conversation today he said he sees me so differently now, that he loves me and misses me so bad. God , he sees me so differently know..I said is that supposed to be a complement, what exactly does that mean.
Well tonight is meet the counselor night at my daughters camp. We were supposed to go together and he still wants to, dont know if he should still come. I really don't want to let him in my head at all.
Thank you all, and the blubbering idiot is doing a little better thanks to you all!
Ps STD test comes back tomorrow I think. I am so nervous about that and feel that is it. He has said I am soo sorry I pray it comes back negative..so do I! I keep thinking that it is positive than I know it is over... but than i think if it is positive, and abviously it could be. Thanks for slowing me down guys..tomorrow im counselor shopping and taking your advise and look inbto lawyers


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It is totally up to you if you want him at your daughters thing. If you don't want him there, just tell him so. 

Update us when you can about the STD test. And stay strong. HUGS


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Hi Everyone, slepy 4 hours last night!! Well he came down and he had worked 8 hours in 100 weather outside, and he really looked it. So he saw our youngest and he layed doen on the carpet to rest. Tried to talk a little and i left the room and he fell asleep. As i came and looked at him i got so angry and upset. I told him to leave, that there was no way i can sit in a car with him. He got and said ok sadly. I then remembered what you guys said, and i told him that he has to send her a text telling her that he should never have done this to his family, he loves his wife and is trying to do everything he can to get he back, and then he apologized again. He said ok, but i can see from his face that he was like I cant believe i have done this. WEll he sent it and we waited she didnt text back so i told him to leave and to text me her response. He called an hour later and read me the the text, and forwarded it! Remember she is 25 years old we are 46. I could tell before she sounded like an inmature hard ass. He said that he has ignored many times over the months and time would go buy and his not contacting her etc pissed her off, blah blah..of course lots of questions .what the f you just couldnt tell her once and for all you dont want to be with her at all and he just says he was hoping it would just go away...well that really upsets me that as of last thursday she was asking her to meet him and in texts i put back together he never met her..she kept texting wher are you and maturally called him every name in the book
Sorry got sidetracked...so her text back to him was " hate you, you motherf...i hope your wife leaves you and your kids know what a ahole they have for a dad. you better watch your ass, if i see you im going to kick your ass....i said to him you got to be kidding me..why the hell were you with her and is she serious about kicking your ass... he said i dont know and i dont care..he said she is a local..a local? again what the hell. so he said he has to tell a few guys at work about her because he figures she could come to a job and make a really bad scene. I said geez should i be scared, he said no no, she doesnt know where we live or my last name etc.. maybe the truth? He seems to be in shock now, having to tell some of his guys at work ( he is the boss...) isnt going to be easy, what a jerk
So i do not know guys, i feel my head clearing..he wants to go to counseling and today is setting up an appointment..i found the therapists for him..he would be clueless..he does have so many issues with childhood, and the fact he never talk about his feelings and keeps everything inside. so even is we dont stay together at least therapy could help him with his relationship with te kids.
just waiting on std results..i pray negative for sooo many reasons


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lets wait and see what the STD test results are.

And quit doing any legwork for him. HE should be finding his therapists, not you.

Repeat this to yourself: HE fvcked up, NOT you. HE needs to do the heavy lifting, NOT you. 

Whatever you do DO NOT have sex with him yet!!! If he's serious about counseling, that's good. Ask him to keep you posted on his progress because you're still trying to figure out if you want to R.

Have you looked into IC for yourself?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He seems to be in shock now, having to tell some of his guys at work ( he is the boss...) isnt going to be easy, what a jerk


It's very good, really. He needs to feel real consequences, shame of his actions.
The same happens with STD, he needs to get a full screen on his own. More humilliation, just as you had to suffer it.
He needs to know how serious it is.

Another thing is, he's the only responsable to fix his relationship with DD. Tell him so.

Depite what he's saying (and it seems he's goping NC actually) you adopt the "trust but verify" policy. You don't want to be fooled again. Put a GPS in his phone. Ask for acces to finances and phone bills...

You sound more grounded in your last post. I'm glad you are. The laundry list, don't forget about it.

Read another threads so you get a more acurate picture about what to expect, how to react, your demands, etc.

Hang there, friend.


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

Hanging in there, and thanks! Another day...quick update....my H and I have the same first initial and obviously same last name. WEll, in my fog yesterday I got the mail and there was a slip in there that i missed a package i had to sign for and to sign and leave it to be left for tomorrow. Well i looked at it and the sender was mine and my H first initial and last name...and the receiver was again mine and my H first initial and last night. Well my heart started pounding, and i immediately thought, OMG this OW is sending me pictures of the two of them or a long letter detailing all the discusting details..I get in the car and like a lunatic go searching for my poor mailman, as i am I call the idiot himself, my wonderful H. Frantically asking her if she knows our last name...yes..does she know where we live..no..I myelling please prepare me for waht might be in there He is saying no, it cant be anything. Well I can tell panic sets in for him/ I found the mailman and started running after him..picture this in the long shirt I slept in and looking well a zombie. He turns around and says oh..and recognizes me, I have a really frienhdly huge Great Dane, who is hard to not remember whi I am. SIDE NOTE..anothe heartbreaking thing that my husband did to us was hurt our dogs, they miss him so much and dont get it. So i grab the large envelope from him and look and see that is a package of papers i was sending to my daughters camp..returned to sender. Well It took all my strength not to grab the poor mailman and hug him and yell thank you mailman thank you! I called my husband up and he was just saying thank God..... So I think I sound a little like myself in these posts now, at least for now. I told him to come to this site, not that he will. He isnt into this type of thing and frankly I dont think he would have the patience..sad.. but i told him that i think it would help him alot and at lease see and understand feelings etc.. i think he might..who knows today we r both talking to counselors over the phone,, not sure if one of our therapists could also then be our marriage therapist??
thanks again!
today is the day i should nfind out about the STD test....please......


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