# how do you know if your spouse loves you?



## toomuchtotell (May 13, 2013)

So...how do you know if is your spouse or SO really loves you? Not looking for one of those cliched lists but real clues as to their love for you. Of course they can say they love you, but how do you know if they truly mean it rather than meaning they love being in a relationship with you?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

He is worried when I feel hurt, he doesn't want to see me feel hurt. 

He cares about my thoughts. 

My respect for him means a lot to him. If I say I don't respect him anymore, he has tears in his eye.


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

You would know based on how s/he TREATS you. That's really all there is to it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

They behave as if your needs are more important to them than their own.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Princess Puffin'stuff said:


> You would know based on how s/he TREATS you. That's really all there is to it.





unbelievable said:


> They behave as if your needs are more important to them than their own.


Can you give more concrete examples of what this looks like?

What does it mean to "be treated well"? I get the basics (no physical or emotional abuse), but what about beyond that? And what is "behaving as if your needs are more important"? It can't be as simple as that because no one will really give up their own needs for another, will they? I mean, for example, we don't see the hd sexless people giving up on sex out of love for their partner. 

OP, thanks for asking this question. I look forward to reading the responses you get.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It's sort of along the lines of the US Supreme Court definition of obscenity...you know it when you see it. Everyone feels love differently. If you feel loved, then you know your partner loves you.


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Can you give more concrete examples of what this looks like?
> 
> What does it mean to "be treated well"? I get the basics (no physical or emotional abuse), but what about beyond that? And what is "behaving as if your needs are more important"? It can't be as simple as that because no one will really give up their own needs for another, will they? I mean, for example, we don't see the hd sexless people giving up on sex out of love for their partner.
> 
> OP, thanks for asking this question. I look forward to reading the responses you get.


How do you know if your parents love you? I mean, come on...this isn't rocket science.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I mean, for example, we don't see the hd sexless people giving up on sex out of love for their partner."
If you see a guy (or woman) denied sex for months on end but still staying in a marriage, you are watching someone not only putting the marriage before their own needs, you're watching someone completely debasing themselves to the point of non-personhood to perpetuate a marriage. Putting someone else's needs before your own isn't hard to identify. Do you spend most of your time figuring out ways to butter your own toast or thinking of ways to make your mate happy? Where do they put their time, money, and energy? Into making themselves happy or making their mate happy? People who sacrifice for their kids are considered loving parents. Those who neglect their kids because they engage in selfish pursuits aren't considered loving. If you both were really cold and there was only one jacket, who would get it? If you both were hungry and there was one piece of bread, who would get it? You're both on the Titanic and there's room for only one in the lifeboat. Who gets in?


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Princess Puffin'stuff said:


> How do you know if your parents love you? I mean, come on...this isn't rocket science.


No. Not rocket science, but not something you can take for granted either.


Let's see. I was out of the house at age 15, and they are loathe to do me any favours. But they do try to keep in touch at least semi-regularly, and I always get a birthday card. Do they love me?

Yeah, probably. In the best way they know how, if I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. But there's been many times where this was not at all obvious, and it's much harder with an SO who is not "obligated" to love you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How a person makes you feel can be subjective. No two people experience the feeling the same way.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

When you know they would give their life for you. When you get sick they care. When you have a problem, they side with you even though they may not agree but they don't force you to do anything you don't want to do, when they respect you.


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## Princess Puffin'stuff (Mar 8, 2013)

always_alone said:


> No. Not rocket science, but not something you can take for granted either.
> 
> 
> Let's see. I was out of the house at age 15, and they are loathe to do me any favours. But they do try to keep in touch at least semi-regularly, and I always get a birthday card. Do they love me?
> ...


Why is it hard? Either you feel loved because the person treats you well and as if you are important to him or her, or not. 

If you have to wonder whether or not your spouse loves you, there's a really good chance that s/he doesn't.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It's consistent actions that show he puts me at least as equal to him or sometimes, even ahead of him. I'd have to ramble to explain how I know. I just do. I think if you have to guess whether your spouse loves you..either they aren't expressing love the way you receive it ( Read the Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman for more info) or they love you, but the're very closed off emotionally or they like you, but really don't love you. It could any of the three. 

My husband is very consistent in how he treats me. Consistent in a good way. He'll want to spend time with me without me asking him. If I tell him something bad that happened with a friend or a colleague, I can almost guarantee that he's not going to nitpick or put unnecessary blame on me. He's not contemptuous, defensive, in a shell where he can't be reached. He's emotionally available, generous with his words and time. He doesn't feel like a roommate who is running a home and a family with me. I still feel like he's courting me in big and little ways.


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## Spider813 (Jul 26, 2013)

So here's a good question regarding this subject. What if your SO does things for you, treats you well, wants to spend time with you but refuses to say "I Love You." I am having this issue because my SO thinks that those 3 words are just stupid to say and that you show someone that by doing for them, etc. After a verbal discussion and later an email discussion we had regarding the subject he wrote "NO THREE WORDS EVER MEANT MORE THAN THE SINGLE WORD "CARE OR CARING". So after 10 months with SO the closest I got was one night we were laying in bed and he said "You do know that I love you, don't you?" I said Well, I guess I do now. I have said those 3 words to him about 10-15 times in the past 10 months and never get back the response I am looking for. Guess I never will. 

Comments?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

She's stayed with me after I cheated on her. Gave me 3 wonderful  girls. Still has sex with me, even though I've gained 30 lbs. Still cooks for me, still washes my clothes, still lets me pat her on her behind when I want to, doesn't yell at me too much when she could...

Yeah, I guess I could infer that she still loves me based on some of those observations.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Spider813 said:


> So here's a good question regarding this subject. What is your SO does things for you, treats you well, wants to spend time with you but refuses to say "I Love You." I am having this issue because my SO thinks that those 3 words are just stupid to say and that you show someone that by doing for them, etc. After a verbal discussion and later an email discussion we had regarding the subject he wrote NO THREE WORDS EVER MEANT MORE THAN THE SINGLE WORD "CARE OR CARING".


It means you're a Words of Affirmation person. You experience love when someone verbally says things to you that are meaningful to you like "I love you" or variations on that.."you're special to me, "I'm proud of you".."I think about you a lot.." Read the Five Love Languages book if you haven't already done so. I sometimes feel like I'm some salesperson for that book (I'm not!), but it opened my eyes to how different people express and perceive love. Some people like your husband show love not through words, but actions. For people like that, saying words is trivial and shallow. Doing is more important. It's not about one person's way of expressing love being better than another. Your husband has his way and you have yours. You both have to do it in the ways that the other likes. So you do things for him and he needs to use words like "ILY" with you. It's about compromise. If he won't say something as simple as ILY even after lengthy discussion, he sounds like he has other resentments/issues with the relationship and you.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

It's taken me a while to recognize the ways my H shows love, even though he also isn't afraid to say "I love you." Each of us is different, though, so I know not to expect roses and candy from him. Still, I know he loves me deeply.

When I'm sick, he takes great care of me.
He calls me from work even though his job is very demanding and he gets very little free time.
Offers me massages, though sometimes he's tired and would prefer to get one himself.
Does little things to make me smile. 

We've had our issues and are working through them. For me, I had to get past the "romantic" notions full of flowers and stuff. He shows love in other ways and once I realized and appreciated that, I was able to appreciate him much more.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

He respects me and always has my back. He says "I love you'" a lot, buyt the words would be meaningless without the other stuff.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

When their actions speak louder than their words!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Easy, find out what their Love Language is, and see if they express love to you with their Love Language. It's best if partners can learn to use each others primary Love Languages, but unless they already have learnt about them they may not.

E.g. My main love languages are Acts of Service and Quality Time, it's easiest and most natural for me to express my love with those languages. My husband's are mostly Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation/Quality Time, so I have to make a special effort to touch him more and say I Love You a lot even though it doesn't come naturally for me to express love that way. He asked for a hug the other day, and I said I wasn't a touchy person but cuddled him anyway. He said that he wished I was, like at least one hug a day which broke my heart. It's easy to neglect the Love Languages that aren't yours. We cuddle in bed every night but obviously he wanted me to come up to him more for cuddles during the day.


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