# Ladies opinions please



## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 6 years. When we first met she was an animal towards me....would attack me at first sight, ripping my clothes off! About 6 months later I moved in with her, then this stopped completely. She began to have this attitude towards sex that "I was lucky to get it when I get it".....and that attitude progressively got worse, to the point of on our wedding night....a hurry up and get it done. 

On our honeymoon, it happened once and then became a "you're only happy because you got your own way" type of attitude towards sex, and then she would now carry a chip on her shoulder because she gave me sex. This attitude is present today. Sure I was happy thinking she wanted me sexually, but her attitude of me only being happy because she gave it to me killed it.

I have never had a partner have this attitude towards sex. What other things does she have this attitude towards me with? It doesn't equate to me....and leaves me questioning, I'm sorry....she chose to marry me for?

Now I will own that I used to get bent if it didn't happen and act like a child throwing hissy fit and start up the stonewall....that's about as unattractive as it gets. I know this now. This kind of behavior from me does not happen today, and hasn't for about a year. Unfortunately I didn't know any better at the time previous. 

When I met her I was 245lbs pure chubb, I have been exercising daily and am 195lbs and fairly muscular, with great stamina of around 200 push-ups a day. I dress well, I receive compliments from men and women about how great I look. When another woman is complimenting how great I look, it seems to anger her. Her girlfriends/ my friends girlfriends and wives all tell her what a hunk I am etc... I send her flirty sext messages, telling her things I love about her, organize things for us to do, date nights, I do a majority of the house work (we both work/ no kids), I cook, etc... 

Her attitude has not change any towards me. She's been seeing a therapist for her "outbursts" and attitude for 6 months or more. Her view of this has not changed at all, even though her therapist has told her she needs to work on this.....she still refuses to.

Ladies, WTF happened when I moved in with her over 5 years ago to start this?


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

I'll add to this,

She is very affectionate towards me, lots of "I love you's", kisses, hugs, like to cuddle, and says I am the perfect man for her.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

easy_e said:


> I'll add to this,
> 
> She is very affectionate towards me, lots of "I love you's", kisses, hugs, like to cuddle, and says I am the perfect man for her.


Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. Some differences, of course. I will be interested to read what the ladies say as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The initial wild sex might have been a form of hyterical bonding. This causes the body to produce large amounts of oxytocin.

Hthen w ur angry outbursts, serious damage. Was done.

A book that might help u is HIs Needs, Her Needs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Sorry,sound like the old bait and switch.
She did this before you married her and
now its stopped.

If I didn't have any kids with her I would
run.If she is not willing to change,I would
divorce her.

It will only get worse as time goes on.
She is most likely LD and won't change.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The initial wild sex might have been a form of hyterical bonding. This causes the body to produce large amounts of oxytocin.
> 
> Hthen w ur angry outbursts, serious damage. Was done.
> 
> ...


The way she views sex with me happened long before I ever started stonewalling.

The anger outbursts are her.....punching a hole in the wall....throwing her cellphone, a lighter etc......
When this happened I told her that sh*t stops now....and told her she needs to see someone and figure out what to do about that anger and where it comes from.

She is not a violent person normally. This was the first time I had witnessed this type of behavior from her aside from her verbal bs. This has all ended now.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

tyler1978 said:


> Your story sounds eerily similar to mine. Some differences, of course. I will be interested to read what the ladies say as well.


 then you will understand where I am coming from here.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Sorry,sound like the old bait and switch.
> She did this before you married her and
> now its stopped.
> 
> ...


Ya, I wondered if it is a case of.....HAHA I got em now. I'm not convinced it's as simple as that tho.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

easy e....Many people do not understand their own normal sexual levels because it is something we cannot actually test out for ourselves until we are in a relationship. A new relationship causes a temporary rise in sex drive. Normally this wears off after 2 - 3 years (sometimes less). After that wears off, now you can test your real long term partnered sex drive.

So your wife herself (like everyone else) didn't know she wasn't really that highly sexual necessarily until after a few years with you. To me, that is not the same thing as bait and switch. She just didn't know it would happen like that.

Now that it has happened, you will have to decide what you can live with.

Don't have any children until you know your sex life is satisfactory, because it will only get worse after kids.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

easy_e said:


> I'll add to this,
> 
> She is very affectionate towards me, lots of "I love you's", kisses, hugs, like to cuddle, and says I am the perfect man for her.


How do you show affection?


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> How do you show affection?


Hug her (especially when I pick up that she really needs one), kiss her, let her know I think she is beautiful, give her a foot massage when she mentions her feet hurt, back massage when her back hurts, cook dinner for her, listen to her vent about her day, date nights, have flowers delivered to her office just because....etc....
Recently, I bought her a doll she always wanted as a child. I heard the story about this doll about a thousand times and how she always wanted it as a child, but never did. (She is 32yrs old) She was so upset that her parents would rather get drunk than get her the doll for xmas..many years ago....So I tracked it down and bought one for her. She told me this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her. I was pretty surprised that she said this was the nicest.....I have done many things like this for her and did this with the intent of giving her a smile. 

I am very affectionate towards my wife.....


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

easy, your wife does not understand how important sex is for a man, emotionally. Maybe you could have her read the book mentioned above, read through this site, or other recourses that explain the emotional needs of a man through sex. It is very difficult for a LD woman to understand this need since they have not personally experienced it. It is also very easy for a LD woman to feel that the only thing important to her H is sex and she starts to feel like an object he uses to get off on, especially when he throws pissy fits when he doesn't get it.

I think if women could come to an understanding and her guy continues to wine and dine her, she would want to be more sexual.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like her new sex high wore off, and has never returned. I am surprised she married you, actually. (more surprised you married HER) Its been six years, I wouldnt count on her changing. Sounds like it ultimatum time, wouldnt you like to be able to find someone who wants you?


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

If you had great sex BEFORE you were married..the sex should continue afterwards.\

I guess I never understood it when some people say that once you get married..the sex diminishes as I beg to differ.

Either she's attracted to you or she isn't. You don't just tie the knot for poops and giggles.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

JustHer said:


> easy, your wife does not understand how important sex is for a man, emotionally. Maybe you could have her read the book mentioned above, read through this site, or other recourses that explain the emotional needs of a man through sex. It is very difficult for a LD woman to understand this need since they have not personally experienced it. It is also very easy for a LD woman to feel that the only thing important to her H is sex and she starts to feel like an object he uses to get off on, especially when he throws pissy fits when he doesn't get it.
> 
> I think if women could come to an understanding and her guy continues to wine and dine her, she would want to be more sexual.


I will say to any LD wife or H....if the comment of the HD only wants sex? It's actually a laughable comment.....uhhhhmmmm....the problem is I don't get sex, so tell me how exactly I am in it for the sex? You mean I am only in it for the sex I don't have?

Oh, that's right.....in their world we all pull our pants up to go to the washroom.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> It sounds like her new sex high wore off, and has never returned. I am surprised she married you, actually. (more surprised you married HER) Its been six years, I wouldnt count on her changing. Sounds like it ultimatum time, wouldnt you like to be able to find someone who wants you?


Do I want to be with someone that wants to ravish my 6ft. 180 lbs ? YUP.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> easy e....Many people do not understand their own normal sexual levels because it is something we cannot actually test out for ourselves until we are in a relationship. A new relationship causes a temporary rise in sex drive. Normally this wears off after 2 - 3 years (sometimes less). After that wears off, now you can test your real long term partnered sex drive.
> 
> So your wife herself (like everyone else) didn't know she wasn't really that highly sexual necessarily until after a few years with you. To me, that is not the same thing as bait and switch. She just didn't know it would happen like that.
> 
> ...


I had a Vasectomy....no kids for us.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

memyselfandi said:


> If you had great sex BEFORE you were married..the sex should continue afterwards.\
> 
> I guess I never understood it when some people say that once you get married..the sex diminishes as I beg to differ.
> 
> Either she's attracted to you or she isn't. You don't just tie the knot for poops and giggles.


We married each other because we get along great. There have been ups and downs like any marriage.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

A friend of mine has gone thru hell and back with his wife. She had an EA, then for 3 years after shut him out. He would tell me how most nights she didn't even want him in the same bed as her, so he would sleep on the couch.

So I took upon myself to help him with some info. and let him know that is bs and don't take that shyt. He continued to try and win her over by being superman for her. Then one day recently, he stopped all together giving a shyt. He said F-it.....I don't need this.

Then, his W contacts me. She tells me that she is dying to get his attention and badly wants him. That she feels so horrible that she shut him out for so many years and did what she did. (I believe this is the first time she really owned her EA) She told me that she now realizes what she did to her H for so many years, and he is doing this to her now. (it's only been this way for a couple of weeks) She told she is deathly afraid of losing him and can I please help her. She now realizes what an awesome H he is and wants him so bad, there is no other man for her.

I told her take action! Kiss him, hug him, go buy some lingerie, cook him his favorite meal, give him attention! He has been dying for your attention for so long, he turned it off so it didn't hurt as bad.

She says she has been doing this and saying sweet things, sexting him etc....and he isn't really buying it and she's afraid it's too late for her! 

I told her to keep doing what she's doing and don't give up until he leaves. So if he never leaves.....do this for the rest of your life and be bloody thankful he didn't leave you. 

I commend him for having the balls to do it. I guess she was betting he would just take that shyt his whole life. Looks like she might just lose that bet now.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

easy_e said:


> I will say to any LD wife or H....if the comment of the HD only wants sex? It's actually a laughable comment.....uhhhhmmmm....the problem is I don't get sex, so tell me how exactly I am in it for the sex? You mean I am only in it for the sex I don't have?
> 
> Oh, that's right.....in their world we all pull our pants up to go to the washroom.


You completely missed my point. In fact, I am not even sure what you are saying here.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

JustHer said:


> You completely missed my point. In fact, I am not even sure what you are saying here.


The comment wasn't directed at you.

You had said it's possible how my W may not understand my need to be desired. That she may feel like just an object.....in other words, I only want sex from her.

I am saying for her to think I only want sex from her would be a bs deflection to guilt me. If she feels like an object, that is something she needs to take a look at why she does. I do not pump and dump my W.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Captain Obvious here but if this was a problem six months into your relationship, why did you marry her? 

Nonetheless, 6 years ongoing = a pattern has been set. Either she will work on this with you or not. If she doesn't, you have to decide if you want to stay in this relationship or not.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

easy_e said:


> The comment wasn't directed at you.
> 
> You had said it's possible how my W may not understand my need to be desired. That she may feel like just an object.....in other words, I only want sex from her.
> 
> *I am saying for her to think I only want sex from her would be a bs deflection to guilt me. If she feels like an object, that is something she needs to take a look at why she does. I do not pump and dump my W*.


I wasn't going to reply to this again, but I thought I would give it one more try - believe it or not, I am trying to help you.

If you are going to have the attitude that you have above, you are going to see absolutely no change in your wife. As I tried to say before, you need to HELP her understand how the male mind and body work. She is a LD FEMALE. She doesn't work the way you do. TEACH her WHY this is so important to you. If she feels like an object it is because she is LD and a female, not because you are doing anything wrong like "pump and dump". But she may FEEL that way because she is LD and FEMALE. In addition to this, she doesn't UNDERSTAND your need, you have to EDUCATE her - nicely and compassionately.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

JustHer said:


> I wasn't going to reply to this again, but I thought I would give it one more try - believe it or not, I am trying to help you.
> 
> If you are going to have the attitude that you have above, you are going to see absolutely no change in your wife. As I tried to say before, you need to HELP her understand how the male mind and body work. She is a LD FEMALE. She doesn't work the way you do. TEACH her WHY this is so important to you. If she feels like an object it is because she is LD and a female, not because you are doing anything wrong like "pump and dump". But she may FEEL that way because she is LD and FEMALE. In addition to this, she doesn't UNDERSTAND your need, you have to EDUCATE her - nicely and compassionately.


I really didn't mean that to come off as an attitude at all....I'm just very straight forward. Fair enough, you have never met me to know me.

I can lead her, or educate her on the matter. I have in the past many times, what I was getting at is...I could explain my position (from a mans point of view) until I'm blue in the face. Ultimately it will be her choice how she feels about it. I can't change the way she thinks, so if she really believed she is just an object to me, she would have to communicate that to me, and why she feels that way. I can't make her feel that, and I can't make her not feel that way.


It's kinda like the wife that doesn't feel sexy even tho her H tells her she's beautiful, sexy, and intelligent every day. She doesn't feel it....and it's gotta come from within.

I appreciate you trying to help me, I am not throwing away anything you've said. I will ask her if she feels like an object and report back.


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## Papmers123 (Sep 25, 2013)

easy_e, sorry to hear your trouble, funny enough I am a women in the same position as you as a man. So I very much can empathies with you. My husband and I have two different views on sex and I'm the one who’s thrown the hissy fits for us not doing it more. I completely understand where you are coming from with the love you feel for your wife. I love my husband unconditionally, I just wish we had way more sex and this is an issue in our relationship right now. (we do have one child however). 
Not sure if this is something of merit, but you said you had a vasectomy. Do you think maybe subconsciously is she upset that you guys can’t have kids or is this something you agreed to before marriage?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

easy_e - I hate to say it, but I think your problem may be that you're too nice / accommodating. You know the friend who's wife now wants him after an EA and rejecting him for 3 years - she started wanting him after he gave up trying, right? I know it would feel completely uncomfortable, but I would suggest you find a hobby you can delve into, spend less time with her (still being affectionate, but only in passing). Resign yourself to satisfying your own sexual needs for a while. Set her free and it is more likely she will come back.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

easy_e said:


> Recently, I bought her a doll she always wanted as a child. I heard the story about this doll about a thousand times and how she always wanted it as a child, but never did. (She is 32yrs old) She was so upset that *her parents would rather get drunk than *get her the doll for xmas..many years ago....So I tracked it down and bought one for her. She told me this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for her. I was pretty surprised that she said this was the nicest.....I have done many things like this for her and did this with the intent of giving her a smile.
> 
> I am very affectionate towards my wife.....


My take-away on your posts is THIS! You're dealing with the adult child of an alcoholic(s). They have a unique set of problems INCLUDING free-floating anger. 

She doesn't know HOW to have a normal, drama-free relationship (she never saw one). If her IC is NOT addressing this problem, she should be looking for another counselor.

If you're not going to MC together, you probably should be.

If she's unwilling to engage and ACTIVELY PARTICIPATE in getting healthier and having a healthier marriage, then you should consider moving on to someone who WILL understand and honor YOUR needs as well as her own.

Sorry you're in this; LOTS of alcoholism in my family and I've seen the devastation played out over several generations now.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Papmers123 said:


> easy_e, sorry to hear your trouble, funny enough I am a women in the same position as you as a man. So I very much can empathies with you. My husband and I have two different views on sex and I'm the one who’s thrown the hissy fits for us not doing it more. I completely understand where you are coming from with the love you feel for your wife. I love my husband unconditionally, I just wish we had way more sex and this is an issue in our relationship right now. (we do have one child however).
> Not sure if this is something of merit, but you said you had a vasectomy. Do you think maybe subconsciously is she upset that you guys can’t have kids or is this something you agreed to before marriage?


This is my second marriage, I have 2 boys from my previous. We have had numerous convo's regarding having a child together, it is not something she nor I want. It's the only reason I went ahead and got the vasectomy.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> easy_e - I hate to say it, but I think your problem may be that you're too nice / accommodating. You know the friend who's wife now wants him after an EA and rejecting him for 3 years - she started wanting him after he gave up trying, right? I know it would feel completely uncomfortable, but I would suggest you find a hobby you can delve into, spend less time with her (still being affectionate, but only in passing). Resign yourself to satisfying your own sexual needs for a while. Set her free and it is more likely she will come back.


Yes, I have given this alot of thought. This is something I will work towards, either way I think it will be good for me.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> My take-away on your posts is THIS! You're dealing with the adult child of an alcoholic(s). They have a unique set of problems INCLUDING free-floating anger.
> 
> She doesn't know HOW to have a normal, drama-free relationship (she never saw one). If her IC is NOT addressing this problem, she should be looking for another counselor.
> 
> ...


I hear what you're saying. There was a lot of neglect from her parents while she was growing up, they did little to be role models in her life....she's a great person that made bad choices, because she had no direction....she would go to work and her parents would take all her money....it's all something she has been facing with her IC. She's on board with all that.

If I ask her, she will say she has never had anyone love her like I do. She never knew what it felt like to have someone treat her so well.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

easy_e said:


> A friend of mine has gone thru hell and back with his wife. She had an EA, then for 3 years after shut him out. He would tell me how most nights she didn't even want him in the same bed as her, so he would sleep on the couch.
> 
> So I took upon myself to help him with some info. and let him know that is bs and don't take that shyt. He continued to try and win her over by being superman for her. Then one day recently, he stopped all together giving a shyt. He said F-it.....I don't need this.
> 
> ...


If funny how you get drag through the SH.T and once you decide to take care of your self now your are the best thing in the world........what the hell is wrong???? for the life of me I can not understand, in my case now that I'm not showing any affection, the house is clean, the laundry is done, the kids are taken care of, etc, etc..... unreal..... Why not appreciate what you have when things are good? how hard is that?


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## confused&inneedofadvice (Oct 16, 2013)

the compliments from others may be making her feel threatened. even if you think she is beautiful she may not feel that way about herself. Have you asked her whats up? Have you told her how you feel without being like baby I need sex?


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

confused&inneedofadvice said:


> the compliments from others may be making her feel threatened. even if you think she is beautiful she may not feel that way about herself. Have you asked her whats up? Have you told her how you feel without being like baby I need sex?


Yes I have done this. I tell her she is beautiful alot, not constantly tho or it will seem like procedure....I tell her when she looks outstanding, which is quite often.

She says she doesn't feel it tho. There's nothing I can do about that.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am assuming this is not the first relationship you have been in. Look back to the other relationships that last more than 2 years. Did something similar happen? When we first fall in love with someone the actions you described are common. Have you ever heard the phrase "blind as a bat," or wondered what a person saw in the person you thought was unattractive or had poor behavior? When men and women fall in love our bodies produce a hormone called oxytocin. For the woman this production might last 2 years, men generally considerably less. When we stop producing the oxytocin we eventually go back to our "old" selves. I have a feeling this is what happened.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> My take-away on your posts is THIS! You're dealing with the adult child of an alcoholic(s). They have a unique set of problems INCLUDING free-floating anger.
> 
> She doesn't know HOW to have a normal, drama-free relationship (she never saw one). If her IC is NOT addressing this problem, she should be looking for another counselor.
> 
> ...



I had similar thoughts. OP - is it possible she is depressed? chronic depression even (i.e. 6 years or more)? irritability, angry outbursts, diminished sex drive etc.

did you say she is in IC? what did her IC say about her condition? diagnosis?


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I had similar thoughts. OP - is it possible she is depressed? chronic depression even (i.e. 6 years or more)? irritability, angry outbursts, diminished sex drive etc.
> 
> did you say she is in IC? what did her IC say about her condition? diagnosis?


I think I will answer myself here as to what's missing and what's always been missing. She has anxiety, she is taking meds for it for about 1.5 months. Her mother is diagnosed manic depressive for the past 25 yrs....she does show all the signs of depression you listed as well as the anxiety. She recently quit going to her IC, she feels she doesn't need it anymore. Personally I think it got too hot in the kitchen. She's not one to face problems....


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