# Is he cheating?



## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

Ok, so I posted my long drawn out background story in previous thread on "considering divorce", so I'm not going to bore everyone with that again here. But now I have another question.

Besides all of the other dysfunction in my marriage, my husband has started to accuse me of basically of cheating. ITs been slowly getting worse over a year.

He doesn't want me doing anything with my girlfriends, whom majority are happily married. Even if it's something like taking my daughter to an Easter Egg hunt with a friend and her child, I get accused of cheating. With my 4 year old daughter in tow... Really?

I backed into a mailbox accidentally, and H takes car body shop. The worker said it looked like a garage door came down on to it. Now I get accused of going to a man's house and hiding my car in his garage. Again, is is during a time my daughter would be with me. He's genuinely angry, and my disbelief towards him only makes me appear "guilty". Sigh...


My daughter is very technically savvy, as all little ones are these days. Yesterday she had my phone when I was in the bathroom, and text messaged him with icons: a heart, kissy face, PUPPY DOG, CAT, BALLOON, and present icons. I capitalized the ones that seem absolutely ridiculous for a 42 year old woman to be texting their "lover." He answered in a tirade. I was "texting someone else and accidentally sent it to him." It would be laughable if it weren't so ugly. 

I fold laundry in the spare bedroom often. A pair of my sleep shorts got under the pillow somehow when I was folding. He found them. Now I get accused of "screwing someone" in the spare bedroom. 

I can go on and on with these ridiculous accusations. I've never strayed from my husband, not once. We rarely have sex. It all stopped once I became pregnant 4 years ago. It had nothing to do with my changing body, he went from wanting it too much, to not all as SOON as I read that pregnancy stick. 

I exercise and am good shape, and have not let myself go. In fact I look better than he does as far as that goes. We have had sex maybe 15-20 times, ( I'm leaning more towards 15), since I became pregnant. My daughter is 4. I also lost all forms of affection from him, unless I come up to him for a hug or peck.

I am on eggshells with this man. I really feel for him to be so accusing, over the stupidest things, that HE must be doing things on the side himself. That HIS guilt is what's causing this mistrust of me. Today after the texting incident by my daughter, I'm angry. I'm sick of it. He doesn't see it, he won't communicate, nothing. I feel most men don't go that long without finding sex somewhere?

My question is, does this appear to be a case where he is actually the one cheating, so he mistrusts me because he knows what he is doing behind my back? I feel like I'm going out of my mind today. I worry what the next thing will be that he pulls out of thin air to accuse me of.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, he may or may not be cheating. We can't answer that. But I CAN tell you that I wouldn't put up with a relationship like that for myself, nor would I sit idly by and watch someone I love be in a relationship like that. 

So the real question... What are you willing to do about the way he treats you? Ignoring a potential infidelity angle?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If not cheating on you with someone else, he is cheating you and your daughter out of a good marriage/family life.

What are you going to do about this abusive 'man'?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Its hard to advise you on what to do. You're apparently married to a guy with a few loose screws. Reminds me a lot of the parents of a friend of mine. Mom sends Pop to pay the lawn service guy and when he returns, accuses him of fooling around with guys twenty something year old wife. Pop's 84 years old.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Who cares if he's cheating - he's an a$$hole plain and simple. If you were my daughter I would hire a lawyer for you myself so you could get away from him ASAP.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find weightlifter's thread about how to do the detective work on finding if someone is cheating.

Does he keep his phone locked or do you have access to it? Does he go out with the guys


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, many cheaters do accuse their spouse of cheating.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

He needs to back off until you demonstrate untrustworthy behavior.

The next time he accuses you of cheating, offer to swap phones with him on the spot.

If he refuses to swap phones and you agree to do so, then you tell him he's cheating and then file for divorce.

If he wont' swap phones with you right there in the moment without hesitation, you have your answer.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Unjustly accusing a spouse of cheating, can be a red flag for their own cheating. But it's just one, and by itself may not mean a whole lot. 

But I agree with hope1964; you need to be much more concerned about his assholism than his possible infidelity.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Extreme/illogical suspicious behavior is sometimes a sign of mental illness that may be amenable to psychiatric treatment.

Any thoughts that this may be the case with your husband?


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

could be projection, or maybe he's blaming the lack of sex on this imagined infidelity.

it might be a vicious circle...he thinks you don't want to have sex, so he also doesn't initiate (and takes care of himself), and since you aren't having sex, he assumes you are getting it somewhere else.

insecurities are tough to break through...

stand up and tell him you don't appreciate the attacks on your character, and just straight out ask him about the sex. he might be embarrassed or hurt but his behavior isn't acceptable.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Some people will take the coward's way out when they are unhappy in a marriage. They do whatever they can to force the hand of the spouse so that a breakup doesn't appear to be their fault.

He could be having an A and just wants you to take the blame or he could just want out and he wants you to take the blame. In either case, he seems to want it all on you.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

I think his abuse is actually the main problem here. He's a damn bully. OP needs to look at the forest and stop worrying about the trees here.

Does it really matter if he's having sex with another woman if he's subjecting you to this abuse?

If he's sexually faithful to you while he's abusing this way is he any prize ?

You need to renovate your standards my dear. 

_There are other show stoppers to marriage besides him inserting his private areas into other women in secret.
_
Get some standards, and get a lawyer.


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

2asdf2 said:


> Extreme/illogical suspicious behavior is sometimes a sign of mental illness that may be amenable to psychiatric treatment.
> 
> Any thoughts that this may be the case with your husband?



YES! I definitely believe he has a few screws loose. His parents are the exact same way-NUTS! He's not right in the head. My issue is we have a 4year old daughter, and I don't feel comfortable with him being alone with her every weekend (if we separated.). I have no proof that he's a bad father, or proof he's a psychopath, so what do I do? I worry about his driving alone with her.. (He had road rage once with both of is in car.) I don't know what to do to protect my daughter. 

He's not horrible with her on a day to day basis, by any means. But he expects a lot out of her. Non -stop running around, getting irritable when she doesn't want to go to beach, etc. he comes from a long line of a users, so I'm very concerned. Even if he doesn't physically abuse her, I'm afraid of the mental. Like he's done to me. 

As another poster wrote, he is a huge bully. Completely agree. I cannot stand him. I really so not care if he's having sex with someone, I think I'm still trying to understand this crazy man's behavior. Why bother at this point, right?

I want out. I had spoken with a lawyer before, and was told H would get our daughter every weekend most likely. THAT is what scares me. I know he has rights to her, but I'm not comfortable with her spending all that time alone with him. Plus he's been known to drink beer on the weekends, and what if he drives drunk with her? I'm just frightened. He has me paralyzed with fear. and yes, it's quite pathetic. 



I need out so bad. Love my daughter more than anything in this world. Regret I had to reproduce with HIM. I was so stupid! 

On the cell phone issue, I have snooped. His text messages are always always deleted. I checked our phone records for detailed usage, and found nothing suspicious at all. But he could easily use his office phone. I do find it odd that he erases all his text history constantly. I know I don't. Plus if we are in car, and he stops to run in store really quick, he will take his phone with him. I find that very odd and telling. But no, I really do not care if he's with someone. Let them have his crazy a**. He's miserable miserable. Angry all the time. I don't think he likes it when things are calm, because he always makes sure it doesn't stay that way. How can a person want to be like that all the time? 

I wish he would fall in love and leave us the hell alone.


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

Did have him go to counselor once, but he screamed while we were there and that was the end of that. He refuses to admit he needs help or medication. Will not do it. Blames everything on me.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Guarding his phone like that (taking it with him everywhere and deleting the texts all the time) can definitely be a red flag, as can accusing you of cheating. My WH did both of those things while he was cheating on me. (Needless to say, I've never cheated on him.) 

It makes me so sad that your husband is a bully, you are admittedly miserable with him, he has endangered you and your child (road rage while you were in the car), and that you are afraid of him having your daughter alone every other weekend. I'm just so sorry - what an awful situation to be in.

I have no good advice for you, really. Just wanted to reach out and say that I'm sorry for all you are going through. I would keep snooping and see if you can find anything that will give you leverage in a divorce and/or getting him into counseling. He sounds completely unstable :/


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Guarding his phone like that (taking it with him everywhere and deleting the texts all the time) can definitely be a red flag, as can accusing you of cheating. My WH did both of those things while he was cheating on me. (Needless to say, I've never cheated on him.)
> 
> It makes me so sad that your husband is a bully, you are admittedly miserable with him, he has endangered you and your child (road rage while you were in the car), and that you are afraid of him having your daughter alone every other weekend. I'm just so sorry - what an awful situation to be in.
> 
> I have no good advice for you, really. Just wanted to reach out and say that I'm sorry for all you are going through. I would keep snooping and see if you can find anything that will give you leverage in a divorce and/or getting him into counseling. He sounds completely unstable :/



Thank you. It is a horrible situation. Feel like a prisoner. I can't even talk to my best friend about it, because it's too much for her anymore. I know it's hard to watch someone you care about stsy in such an ugly situation. But I'm here for my daughter, that's it. I would have been gone years ago if we never had her.

It's nice to come to this forum and vent and read people's stories. I was really feeling alone for awhile, and this does help. Although I'm sad that so many people have misery in their relationships.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Just because someone has mental issues does not mean it's your job to save them Jessica.

He's abusive and you need to get away from him until he straightens himself out.

Whether his mental issues result in promiscuity, insults, accusations, or outright abuse you need to protect yourself, not him.

You are just going to get ill.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Jessa72 said:


> I do find it odd that *he erases all his text messages constantly.*
> 
> Plus if we are in car, and he stops to run in store really quick,* he will take his phone with him.*


Now we're up to 3 red flags. The probability of him cheating has increased, but not to a certainty.

But if you despise him that much, and I can understand why, it doesn't really matter that you find out for sure. 

Take some time to put together an exit strategy. Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before you spring the D on him.

Good luck.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Guys why in the heck does it matter if he's cheating?

He's abusive.

You get away from that. No cheating is required.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book. You'll probably discover why your marriage is so messed up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jessa72 said:


> But I'm here for my daughter, that's it. I would have been gone years ago if we never had her.


What does that have to do with leaving an abuser? You leave FOR her.


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## Jessa72 (Jul 28, 2014)

turnera said:


> What does that have to do with leaving an abuser? You leave FOR her.


Exactly. I did retain a lawyer last year. I was ready. After. Was informed my H would have my 4 year old daughter every weekend, I got freaked out. I have no proof to show the courts that he is "off" mentally. But I have 16 years experience... I'm afraid of her being alone with him all weekend long without me there. I'm not trying to keep him from ever seeing her, I'm really not. But something in my very gut does not sit well AT ALL with this "every weekend" stuff. He is her father, he has a right to see her, I know that. 

I grew up in divorced home and my mother and father had ugly divorce in beginning, but she never ever once alienated me from my father. So I know she needs his sorry ass in her life to some capacity. Her age, (4) worries me. I don't believe staying for the kids is always a good decision, not al all. This is more, "I'm afraid to leave her for 2 full days with this psychopath." He has displayed very childish behavior with her at times. If she doesn't feel up to going to the park, waterpark, or what he has planned, he gets very short with her and acts like a child. The episode where he had road rage with both of us in the car. 

He runs her ragged many days. Goes to beach, we come home and bathe, then he wants to take her here and there. Sometimes she's just tired and wants to stay home and play. He gets mad and pouts and acts like a childish ass**** . I intervene plenty, and remind him, she's only 4. He can't sit still ever and relax and enjoy our home. It's constant running around. I love to do things too and be active, but I don't want to go non-stop all weekend long, every single weekend. And a 4 year old certainly gets worn out and cranky from it.

Just this last weekend she didn't want to go to the beach after she went day before. He tried and tried to get her to go. She had went the day before! She was just tired and wanted to play in our yard. He storms off and says, "I don't know why I bother coming home. You can both eff off." First time he's ever said that about her. I freaked! Told him to get the hell away and don't come back. Of course then he felt bad about saying that about her. How many normal grown men say their little 4 year old girl should "screw off" because she's not doing what HE wants to do then and there. Makes me sick. 

Does anyone know how I go about this? I DO want to leave. I know it would be healthier for us. I am worried about her being alone with him on weekends. That is the ONLY thing keeping me here. How can I protect her when the system isn't going to? What do I need to do? If I knew how to do that, I could start exiting. Again, the ONLY reason I've not left is because of this visitation situation. This is what I need help with. Anyone have any experience with something like his? How can I leave her alone all weekend with this bully?


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

The real issue here is the state of your relationship. Whether or not he is cheating cannot be determined by anyone in this forum. They can give opinions and tell you what happened in their circumstance, but that doesn't change what needs to happen. Your marriage is in a very critical stage and action has to be taken to keep it from spiralling out of control. Have you contacted a counselor yet? If you cannot do that, than a Pastor would be a great alternative. I would also recommend a book titled _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. I also know a Christian organization which offers a free one-time counseling session by phone if you are interested. Send me a private message and I will forward the information to you. Hope this is a help. Thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Who cares if he's cheating - he's an a$$hole plain and simple.


I agree.

OP, there's not nearly enough info for us to determine whether he MIGHT be cheating or not. He might be cheating... then again, he might be gay. Or he might be visiting strip clubs during his lunch hour. Or he might be.... you get the picture.

Come back with some evidence of things he's doing that are out of the norm for him (besides carrying his cell phone everywhere), and then we can give you some opinions based on fact, not speculation.

Regardless, others here are right. His behavior towards you is atrocious. Why are you putting up with it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... You need to talk to a local lawyer or perhaps a group supporting abused spouses. The only way you'll be able to protect your daughter is legally, and that likely means more help than we can give you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jessa72 said:


> YES! I definitely believe he has a few screws loose. His parents are the exact same way-NUTS! He's not right in the head. My issue is we have a 4year old daughter, and I don't feel comfortable with him being alone with her every weekend (if we separated.). I have no proof that he's a bad father, or proof he's a psychopath, so what do I do? I worry about his driving alone with her.. (He had road rage once with both of is in car.) I don't know what to do to protect my daughter.
> 
> He's not horrible with her on a day to day basis, by any means. But he expects a lot out of her. Non -stop running around, getting irritable when she doesn't want to go to beach, etc. he comes from a long line of a users, so I'm very concerned. Even if he doesn't physically abuse her, I'm afraid of the mental. Like he's done to me.
> 
> ...


Seek expert legal advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In all my years doing this, I have NEVER seen a husband get every weekend. Every OTHER weekend, yes. Did that lawyer tell you that? If so, go to a different lawyer. And here's the real truth: once you are separated, he is going to go to the bother of getting her less and less; you'll be lucky if he picks her up for ONE weekend a month.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> In all my years doing this, I have NEVER seen a husband get every weekend. Every OTHER weekend, yes. Did that lawyer tell you that? If so, go to a different lawyer. And here's the real truth: once you are separated, he is going to go to the bother of getting her less and less; you'll be lucky if he picks her up for ONE weekend a month.


Yup, mine showed up less and less. And then eventually I stopped hearing from him at all...


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