# Is this ethical?



## MikeB

Hello, this is my first post. I'll eventually relate my whole story probably, but at the moment, I just need some quick feedback.

Since my wife and I had our big blowup 6 weeks ago, she has been seeing a therapist for individual counseling (she has Social Anxiety Disorder) and I started going to see a marriage counselor by myself, in hopes that my wife would join me.

Although I told her I was going to see a marriage counselor, she thought I was doing individual counseling for something else. Unfortunately I didn't make it clear.

She told her therapist that I had invited her to go see the marriage counselor I've been, and her therapist said that for my wife to see the same therapist (together with me) that I've been seeing for marriage counseling was unethical. I think she told her therapist that I was doing individual counseling.

I think this is just a misunderstanding. I think my wife's therapist thinks I was seeing a therapist for individual counseling, and now I want to switch it to marriage counseling.

I can see why this could be seen as unethical, and I don't want to put anyone in a bad spot. I started going alone because my wife wouldn't come with me at first, and I'd read it was better to just go alone than not go at all.

I like the counselor I have been seeing, and she has told me to keep trying to ask my wife to come along.

Things have gotten really bad and I need some ray of hope. My wife told me she hates me tonight, and said it with a tone of voice that really hurt me. I want to at least try to get us both in front of the marriage counselor I've been seeing, but if it's unethical, maybe I should see someone else?

Thanks for your time.


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## Cosmos

It wouldn't be a good idea for a therapist who had been giving you individual therapy to give you and your W MC, but as this isn't the case, I don't think there would be anything unethical about it. Perhaps your wife's T could liaise with the MC you have been seeing to satisfy your wife and her T that there isn't a conflict of interest?


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## Thor

I don't see where there is an ethical issue. Many therapists will see couples together and in individual sessions. The important issue is confidentiality of what is told in an individual session cannot be revealed to anyone else without permission. So if you were in individual session and revealed something (say a substance abuse problem or an affair), the therapist could not tell your spouse without your permission.

This kind of thing naturally would be difficult, and some therapists might logically refuse to keep such clients who lie in couples session.

If you were to tell your MC that everything you have said so far is ok to discuss with your wife there, it should be a smooth transition.

Or did W's therapist think it was not ethical for your wife to be seeing two different therapists at the same time?


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## MikeB

Thanks for the responses. Yes, I did tell my MC that everything I've told her so far was okay to discuss. No dirty secrets to reveal or anything like that.

I think my wife's therapist thought I was doing individual counseling for an emotional problem my wife thinks I have, but I was not - I went to my MC specifically for marriage counseling right from the start. I went by myself because my wife didn't think _we_ needed it - she thought I needed to see someone because she thinks I'm overly attached to my parents (and I couldn't disagree more about that).

I told her I was going to see a marriage counselor, but obviously didn't make that clear enough, and obviously, my wife and I still have lots of problems communicating. This is a very sad and hard time for both of us. When she told me she hated me, I think my heart broke.


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## Bambusa

Having my partner tell me he hated me wouldn't leave me feeling very nice either. 

It may be possible that she hasn't been clear with the IC or maybe she just doesn't want to go so is telling you that's what her IC said.

Do you think maybe she feels a bit threatened by the fact you've had a bit of time to spend with the MC already that she feels she might be ambushed?

Is it worth even finding one that you could both be comfortable with?

My husband and I tried a few before settling on one we both really liked and she was absolutely incredible. Neither of us felt like she was taking sides and both felt comfortable.

Before that we'd seen two others.


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## MikeB

Talked to my counselor about it. The easiest (if it can be called easy) thing to do is simply find an MC that is new to both my wife and I and so I'm looking for one now.

I really do want us to see an MC who we are both comfortable with. 

Still going to continue seeing my current counselor individually, only now I think the focus is going to be on me trying to deal with my own stress and sadness (both of which are tremendous) over all this.


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