# Struggled for years, separated, still talking



## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

My husband and I both messed up. We became parents, and practically stopped being a couple. He worked to support our family, and I stayed at home while the kids were small, and then when they went to school, I went to work. At first, I only worked part-time, but then full time. I also cared for the home and children a lot on my own simply because my husband was working 60 hrs./wk. every week. As time passed, symptoms that I had suffered with most of my life really reared their ugly head and I had a mental breakdown. After two outpatient stays, and one brief inpatient stay, I was diagnosed Bipolar II and Major Depressive Disorder along with General Anxiety Disorder. Sounds fun, right? Initially, my husband was incredibly supportive and loving. As time wore on, I could sense he was resenting the illness, and me with it. He really didn't like the don't care attitude I had taken on. Our house had always been clean, but then it was a mess. Basically, I did all the things depressed people do. He didn't understand why I couldn't try harder to get myself out of it. I decided to return to college after 21 yrs. and did really well. I finished my first semester with a 3.25 GPA. I was so proud of myself!!!

In the meantime, husband had been growing more resentful. And so had I. He was upset I could go to school three days a week, but not care for our home. I was upset that he didn't seem to support me or care about my feelings. So I told him that I was trying to get better, and felt that his lack of support was bad for me, and I had considered leaving. Then I said I really didn't want that because I didn't want our marriage to end. Soon after, we had an argument, and I was texting with my sister about it. She was loving and supportive, but then her husband took it upon himself to insert his opinion, and my husband read all of the texts. I guess at that point he saw how I was feeling, and how other people saw it, and put it together with how he felt, and said " I'm moving out". I didn't believe it at first. But it was true. 
We have been separated for four months now. At first, it was terrible. I had to resign from school because of course my depression came back deeper than it had been in a while. I think the only thing that kept me going was my children because I knew I had to take care of them, especially now.
Here's the thing. We can't let go of each other. We talk several times every day. We spend time together on the weekends sometimes. Neither one of us has said it's time to get back together, because we both still have things to work on. We've tried the whole no communication thing, but neither one of us can stick to it. 
So, that's my story. I am planning on returning to school in the fall, possibly even finding a summer course to take. I spend too much time alone. And I need to make more friends. I have been terrible about maintaining friendships. I have been kind of browsing this site for a while, and felt it was only fair to share my story. I have found many of your stories to be helpful and inspiring.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Oh, married for 16 years btw


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## GRC011 (Mar 22, 2013)

Can't imagine him not being supportive about your medical condition any longer. Sounds like you have a pretty good grip on your priorities with school and the kids. It's good that you talk frequently. It sounds to me like he was hurt by the exchanges with your sister and perhaps even a little ashamed. He took his ball and left. Hopefully, things will all work out for you. I wouldn't give up hope if you truly want to remain intact as a family unit.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

No, I am not giving up. At first I was pretty sure it was over. In fact, he told me several times that he wanted to divorce me. But I think he just loves me too much and misses the young woman he married. I miss the young man I married. I think we just stopped loving each other outwardly the way we felt inside, if that makes sense. 
He spent most of last weekend at home, which was really nice. Unfortunately, it really confused my 14 yr old daughter.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's very confusing to children when a parent goes back and forth but just tell her that the two of you are trying very hard to work things out.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Ugh, so frustrated today! I made the mistake of asking him this morning if he would be interested in spending a weekend away with me, and he didn't say no, but he didn't say yes. How can it be that hard, after five months of separation to decide to spend time with me? He spent the weekend at home a few weeks ago, and I asked him the other day how he liked it and he said it was weird. Weird? He said he couldn't explain because he was at work. But then he never makes time for conversations, either. I think I'm done.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Camelia,

Sorry you are in this situation. Please be careful and protective of yourself. I sounds to me like he is developing his new life and using you as the safety net to reach out from.

At some point, you are going to have to force him to choose to stay away or come home and right now he does not have to make that choice. Consider limiting your contact so he knows what he is giving up.

Stretch


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

So, interesting developments over the weekend. I told him that I was ready to sell the house and file for divorce because I was tired of limbo. It has been 5 1/2 mths and he is not any closer today to rekindling our relationship than he was the day he moved out. He says he still loves me, and he loves our children, but he doesn't want to live with us. I told him that was tragic, to which he replied that no one had died. I told him that part of him had died because the man that helped create out children would never say his life was better living away from them. So, time to look into what to do next. Not looking forward to it, but its not like this is fun.


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## catch22gofigure (Apr 26, 2013)

The limbo is the worst. Hoping we all get out of it soon. Our stories are eerily similar.


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