# How to explore our sexuality



## JRyan (Jun 7, 2010)

I guess there are a few aspescts to this question, I will lay them out the best I can.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years, we are both 33 yrs old and in good physical condition. I realized soon after we first became sexually active with each other that my wife was raised in a home where sex was probably never discussed. It is very difficult for me to get her to talk about what makes her feel good, her fantasies and masturbation seemed like an alien topic to her. I believe that masturbation is a healthy thing for most people, I have seen reports of many benefits to doing it. I admit that on an average week, I will masturbate 3-4 times. I don't do it because our sex is unsatisfying, I do it because it relieves stress, and, of course, it feels pretty darn good. I have asked her about her maturbation habits, and she admits that it is rare, she probably never did it at all until we talked about it. We have shopped together for vibrators, of which she has a few different types, but she still seems very reserved about actually doing it. I am currently deployed with the Army overseas, and we have not been together for the last 5 months, so we went out together and purchased a new one for her before I left. She says she has used it a few times since I have been gone, I think she would be more in touch with her sexual needs and desires if she used it a bit more. Our sex is very satisfying, and if I can read her accurately, most of our encounters leave her satisfied as well. I have always read that women want men that are willing to go down on them, which I am happy to do and enjoy immensely because of how it makes her feel. She wouldn't let me do it until we had been married for almost 5 years though, I always asked her if she would like to try it and finally she agreed. She has ejoyed it very much since then. I realize that many women do not orgasam from vaginal penetration alone and I am willing to do whatever she needs. I don't think I have an equipment issue, I am no porn star, but I have been told that I fall in the better then average catagory there. Considering all of these things, it still seems as if she is reluctant to tell me what she wants, we generally have sex about 1 a week. So I guess my question is this, What can I do to get her more comfortable with herself and with talking to me about sex?? I am willing to try anything once, but I don't know exactly what she needs from me. I feel that the frequency of our intercourse would be higher if we could openly discuss what she likes, what I like, and what things she would like to try or do together. The rest of our marriage is strong and we really have no other issues, I just want want to start resenting her for our limited "action" if there is something I can do to help facilitate better communication, leading to better and more frequent encounters.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband could have wrote a similar post years ago. We used to have sex about once a week for the majority of our marraige. Always loved it when we had it, but just didnt' talk about it, share fantasies, or say what I wanted, or he even go there for that matter. Silent sex, but satisfying. He never offered to buy me a vibrator though. I never cared for him to go down on me, I just couldn't for the life of me understand how he could enjoy doing that. He kept trying over the years though, never giving up. It felt good, but I couldn't get the "dirtiness" out of my mind. Just the way I was raised maybe, too much religious thinking (in my case). 

It is very very different now, and true, if you can get her to open up sexually, WOW, what a change it can be!! We went from once a week to 4-6 times a week, lasting years now. Me pursuing him more than him pursuing me. 

For me, it was some kind of hormonal change that did the trick, maybe even a mid-life crises, plus I realized I was inhibited, VERY pathetically inhibited infact. IF your wife is on hormonal birth control, sometimes this can hamper her sexual feelings, keeping desire Low. That was never my issue, more the mental attitude. I was more into my kids, or the Church, pleasing God, putting down my flesh kinda craziness. 

I swear hormones play a huge role in this, and the MIND. What is she thinking about everyday, what are her passions? 
I started reading sex books, I wanted to learn, wanted to spice it up, feeling I had missed out somehow all of these years, and oh my, what a difference this made in my outlook sexually. Not sure how to get your wife WANTING to do that though. 

What turns her on - a romantic movie? Reading a romantic novel? I know that always got me in the mood even in those earlier frigid days, although once I had sex, I usually didn't care to do it again till I became horny. I realize NOW how much I was missing back then, not caring to "mindfully" arouse myself more often. 

What would she do IF you bought a Sex game - would she play with you? I bought this board game called "*Discover your Lover*" that teaches you about sex, asks sexual questions, trying new positions, massage, ideas, this could be alot of fun -instructing her what to do on many of these cards, giving many new ideas, while you share what you enjoy as you play & maybe she will too! Discover Your Lover Game: Couple's Board Game - Simply4Lovers.com


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## JRyan (Jun 7, 2010)

First of all, thanks for the detailed reply. I was afraid that I would get a buch of vague answers. I have considered the birth control as an issue, besides, there are many health effects of the pill as well, which is why I told het that I would be getting a vasectomy when I get home. I mean really, why should she risk her future health so I can avoid a 30 minute doctor visit and cold testicles for a few days. Anyways, I am sure she would play the game and when I finish typing this I am gonna check it out. Thanks again and congrats to you for overcoming your inhibitions!!


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

I would strongly recommend books by Laura Corn, too. "101 nights of grrrreat sex," "101 nights of grrrreat romance," "Passport to Pleasure," and more. 

If you read these books together, I think you'll find it easier to talk about sex - you can ask, "what do you like about this scenario, or that one? What DON'T you like?" From there you can ease your way into talking about things that are in your mind but perhaps a little too discomfiting to lay out right away. 

The key is always making your partner feel safe to share something intimate. Expressing lots and lots and lots of gratitude for the courage it takes to be vulnerable is always a good idea!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JRyan said:


> I have considered the birth control as an issue, besides, there are many health effects of the pill as well, which is why I told het that I would be getting a vasectomy when I get home. I mean really, why should she risk her future health so I can avoid a 30 minute doctor visit and cold testicles for a few days.


IF your wife does not want anything pernament for birth control and you want sex with total freedom with no hormones, look into the *copper IUD *- "Paragard" (NOT to be confused with the hormonal IUD Mirena)- this is what I got after 6 kids , I did not want my husband to get a vasectomy. 

Here is a link about the Paragard IUD below, this is IDEAL for monogomous women who are done having kids or are not totally sure they are done, it can stay in for up to 12 whole years (I guess some women never even get it taken out - I asked the OBGYN), once inserted -in a simple office visit (a little painful but she can ask to be numbed), she will never feel it, have to think about it, or do anything -but have great sex -and the assurance if she ever wanted another child, it can easily be removed. 

I LOVE my IUD ! Sounds crazy but I know getting this was another reason I allowed my sex drive to flourish. We used to use rubbers. 

ParaGard IUD Contraceptive - Birth Control Options using Intrauterine Conception - ParaGard.


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