# Still trying to come out of our financial mess



## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

We have/had some major debt, more than just our mortgage. At this time, we are technically managing but we will have to start paying for daycare in a few months which is a huge expense and will send us over the edge. I am on mat leave and we already cut everything out that we could except our tv service which I am not opposed to cutting out, otherwise, there is literally no wiggle room.
Part of the reason we had such issues is because we used our credit cards thinking we would pay it off when we got home, to get the points. Well, we overspent and it got us to where we are today.

My issue is that my husband refuses to not carry around his credit cards. Whenever we are somewhere and he wants to buy something unnecessary, I say, 'we cant afford it', he says just use the credit card. 'Um, no'. 

I am sick of being his mother but he needs to learn that you cannot resort to a credit card all the time, that is why we are in the mess we are now. 

I need some tips or advice on how to handle this.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

No one?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you have any family member that can look after the kid somedays to bring down the cost of it?


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

I don't know if I have any great advice for you but I empathize with what you're going through. My life is still a mess right now (I'm divorced) but finances are not, mainly due to the fact that it's easier sometimes to do finances on your own. I know it's the nature of marriage, but geez when you have to compromise so much with another person and you don't share the same views on what's important, well you get where you are now. 

The thing is you can get used to a certain lifestyle and instant gratification is a hard habit to break. You can't expect him to just stop doing what he's always done without getting him a good wake-up call. You say you both overspent but it seems like you are recognizing the seriousness of your situation and are doing damage control (which is good). You've got to get him to realize and see the same things you do.

First evaluate how you want things to work, what you think he will be able to work with, and what is your last straw. You sound like you already know how to budget since you know to cut certain things. Would he be amenable to a cash allowance every two weeks instead of carrying cards? I tried something like that with my ex and he was willing to try it, for a while.

I hope it works out for you both and you end up being able to pay for everything, cause finances are a tricky thing...but you already know that. Try to cut him off if you can. As for having to be his mother well I know it's not fun but some people are just spendy like that and they don't police themselves very well. (It's not a problem if you're rich.) Good Luck


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

keko said:


> Do you have any family member that can look after the kid somedays to bring down the cost of it?


We will have family to help us for one day a week


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for the reply whynotme, I totally get what you are saying. I have tried to go over our biweekly budget many times with him and he just says ok. I dont think he gets the stress I am under, knowing how close we are to disaster.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

LemonLime said:


> We will have family to help us for one day a week


I doubt that'll make much difference if any. You could always show/remind the cc and other bills to keep him in check.

My wife is similar to your husband, she has trouble keeping expenses within our means. I intentionally maxed out our joint cc card now she seems to be a better spender.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

yeah, even if we cancel our tv, it is only $60 but every bit helps


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You might look into getting a mortgage modification through your lender. Your reason for needing it is new baby, child care and being over extended. 
He sounds like he's living in lala land. If so a modification to lower your payment won't really help. 
I suggest that you pull your credit reports and see exactly what your scores are, your balances, etc. there are calculators online where you can see how much you actually pay with interest over time by only paying your minimum payment. 
You might try going to marriage builders and both doing the emotional needs questioniar. He might have his eyes opened that dealing with money is a valid emotional need. 
Or try consumer credit counseling with him. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for your response.
We have no credit card or loc debt as all of it was payed for by our equity and our mortgage is as efficient as it gets.

I just wish I was as lucky as other people who get help from their family but I have never gotten such a handout.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Get yourself over to livinglikenooneelse.com

Then do a search for how people handle money problems when their spouses aren't on board. Or you can ask the question again. There are plenty of people there in your situation.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You need to record what you spend and the best way to do this is with financial software like quicken or use and online equivalent - offered by many banks sites.

If you record all cash and cc, debit card and other expenses you then have the power to see where it's going and how to better control it. it requires constant control and discipline. There are always 'good' reasons to splurge....it's a birthday, christmas-time, anniversary, vacation, etc, etc. usually every month there is at least one 'good reason' to be carefree. this is what kills people's finances. it compounds, you don't recover from the last one and another one comes. resist this.

sit down and make commitments with your partner and stick to them. when commitments are specific and you record your spending in your software or spreadsheet or the web (or even just on paper), it's more likely that you will stick to these commitments. do a periodic review at a set time. take a sunday night for example every month to review the month's finances including your spending.

it sounds like you have pared back the regular, fixed expenses but review again to see what you can reduce by eliminating or getting a better deal (utilities, phones, tv, internet, magazines, newspapers, etc). 

once you resolve all of the fixed expenses to the lowest level, you can focus on the variable expenses - 

-dining out - take out food is a particularly bad value as you have all the expense without feeling like you've done something 'special' like going out to a restaurant. bring lunch to work during the week and save going out for a treat - don't make dining out a regular routine in your life.

-food - shop smarter and look for the best value in EVERYTHING you pick up. it all adds up. 10 cents less on every dollar means significant savings in what you spend on food every month.

-kids/baby stuff - go to salvation army stores or yard sales. amazing what you can get nearly new at a fraction of the cost. resist splurging out on the kids or babies. easy to do because parents think they 'deserve the best' or sometimes it's a way to resolve the ever present parental guilt.

-clothing - this is a killer for some people. just down to old fashioned discipline. plan what you need and only buy at sales (cliche but common sense).

-cars - get into cars that are cheaper to run and reliable like used honda, toyota, nissan,etc. plan journey with the car instead of running all around for errands.

-habits - change habits e.g. - coffee every day (make at home and bring with you in thermos), bar after work (save for a treat), etc.

You need some treats in life but make sure that you get the value from them. For example, going to starbucks with a book to relax over a coffee or chat with friends can be a good value if it's something you enjoy. But picking up starbucks every day on the way to the office to drink at work is poor value because it's not really a treat. you probably hardly notice it any more as it's just a habit. that's just an example but i'm sure you know what i mean.

- credit cards - dont' use unless it's really needed and other methods are not practical. NEVER use for every day expenses like dining out or food shopping.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I am going to be more blunt. Cut up his credit cards now. Keep one or two for emergencies and cancel the rest. And by the way, order you credit reports. You can get 1 from each of the three companies for free each year.
_Posted via The Planet Mars_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jeff74 said:


> I am going to be more blunt. Cut up his credit cards now. Keep one or two for emergencies and cancel the rest.


This is what I eventually did to my husband. Only difference is I didn't cancel the cards (dings your credit - some).


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

That is not a good situation. And if he continues, your stress only increases. Please let him know that! Because if, for some unknown reason, you do need to fall back on the cards, and it does happen especially in 'this' situation, the whole thing falls apart. Trust me. 

I went from 7 figures a year, to losing it all. Still bought 'things' here and there. Situation never turned around. Wife and daughter left, and I have to break my current lease, move out this weekend, and I'm not sure where to live yet. Yup, I'm 39.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

keko said:


> Do you have any family member that can look after the kid somedays to bring down the cost of it?


Presumably you are going back to work (which is why day care is a necessity).

I'm not sure why the day care part is so burdensome. If you are currently getting a full salary (or close to it) on maternity leave then I understand and sympathize. Otherwise you need to find more affordable day care or perhaps a better job. It might not be wise to stay in a job where your net is zero after paying day care and the other costs of working.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> This is what I eventually did to my husband. Only difference is I didn't cancel the cards (dings your credit - some).


It is true it could potentially negatively effect your credit score depending on the situation but it would be better for you in general to not spend what you cannot afford even if that means having to chop up th cards. If he is going to charge things by having the cards and you don't have the money to pay it back I think that this is a bad thing and should be stopped!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

lovemygirls said:


> That is not a good situation. And if he continues, your stress only increases. Please let him know that! Because if, for some unknown reason, you do need to fall back on the cards, and it does happen especially in 'this' situation, the whole thing falls apart. Trust me.
> 
> I went from 7 figures a year, to losing it all. Still bought 'things' here and there. Situation never turned around. Wife and daughter left, and I have to break my current lease, move out this weekend, and I'm not sure where to live yet. Yup, I'm 39.


That's really rough...good luck and i'm sure you will turn it around in time.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Lovemygirls, I hope that your wife did not leave you because you were no longer making a lot of money. A woman who would do that doesn't understand what real love is about. That is why the vows say "For richer or poorer.." I am making an assumption, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong.


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

That is exactly why she left. I worked very hard to determine if there were any other issues. Time and time again, she says it is because I am not able to provide. Great support huh?


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

lovemygirls said:


> I went from 7 figures a year, to losing it all. Still bought 'things' here and there. Situation never turned around. Wife and daughter left, and I have to break my current lease, move out this weekend, and I'm not sure where to live yet. Yup, I'm 39.


BS flag is raised and waving here. You say you made a million dollars a year (in your thirties) and you're paying rent? Doubtful.


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

I'm an options trader as$hole. Ever heard of the flash crash? Maggot

And with enough shlt as people have going on around here, you want to pull "bs flag". I wish you were in front of me right now.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

lovemygirls said:


> I'm an options trader as$hole. Ever heard of the flash crash? Maggot
> 
> And with enough shlt as people have going on around here, you want to pull "bs flag". I wish you were in front of me right now.


Too bad you didn't invest in some real estate (a residence, duh?) while you were a millionaire instead of paying rent.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

lovemygirls said:


> That is exactly why she left. I worked very hard to determine if there were any other issues. Time and time again, she says it is because I am not able to provide. Great support huh?


*hug* I am so sorry, my dear. 

People were telling me to leave my husband, when he lost his job while we were engaged. It was in 2008 at the height of the recession and he was unemployed for an entire year. It was so hard, but I loved him more than any paycheque. Others made snide remarks about him being lazy; I watched my poor man get turned down for minimum wage jobs because he was overqualified. As long as I knew my then fiance was trying, that was all that mattered. I certainly didn't like having a crappy elopement. In the end, we just wanted to be husband and wife.

I am so glad that we had that test before marriage. It strengthened us. 

Women like your ex will get what they deserve. May she meet a rich man who treats her like garbage! 

Don't even raise your blood pressure over some stranger on the internet. You know your story better than anyone else and cowards like to be rude for no reason online, because they can hide behind computer screens.


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

Thanks for your support. I wish my stbx would have a bit of what you feel for your husband. It was just a bad day all around. She let me know she's not coming back.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

I just read your original post, LemonLime. I can totally relate. My husband couldn't stop using credit cards. Even after our mortgage payments went up and after we both lost our jobs.... he continued to use them. Only after I begged and pleaded for him to cut them up did he finally start to use them less....and got rid of all but one of them. I think he still has a lot of growing up to do about money. We've never recovered financially from both of us being unemployed at the same time. We lost the house to the bank and I recently declared bankruptcy. We live pacycheck to paycheck. Sometimes I don't think it will ever end.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

hi, in the past my hubby cut his cards up, then behind my back he rang the company up & told them he'd lost them,he got them replaced.

debt problems can draw even the sweetest person into being devious,telling lies,or kidding themselves they're not lying by with holding information.

you need a proper realistic budget 1st,counting in food,dental,fuel,clothing etc,etc. 

try to keep calm when you talk to him.


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