# Moved abroad to be with him, all falling apart less than 2 years later



## GitanaGirasol (Apr 21, 2011)

Marriage. Emotional abuse. A foreign country. Counseling. 

It's messy.The background is so tangled, I don't know if this will make sense as I cut a lot of stuff out. 

The bottom line is after reconnecting four years after we originally met, I moved to South America to live with my now-husband, who gave me the ultimatum: "If we're not living in the same country, we won't work out."

It wasn't the first red flag. He had pulled a few controlling/manipulative moves before, like getting angry when I would spend time with my male friends. I noticed it and blew it off. Who knows why. 

I'm independent, have traveled and lived abroad extensively, I speak Spanish... all elements that led me to believe I would be just fine with the move. But work was hard to get we both stressed out, we got married quickly because both sets of parents were pushy about the living-together-before-marriage bit (we're in our late 20s, early 30s. Should've known better.), and his jealousy and controlling ways got out of control (went out for drinks with gfs one night, got home and he called me a drunker drug addict.) Screaming matches progressed, we both ended up punching doors, he refused therapy adamantly. My parents flew down four months after we got married because I was so despondent. 

Over Christmas break, while I was visiting my family, he went into my Facebook account and read emails from an ex-turned-friend where the ex said he loved me. It was in the context of me venting, going through a lot with my husband, and my ex trying to be a good friend. My husband copied the email, sent it to his parents and my parents, and said he wanted to end things. I flew back immediately, picked up my things, and came back to my parents. 

I went back to South America in Feb. for a month, for work and to see my husband. By then we were both in counseling, he had admitted his jealousy issues were debilitating, and we went regularly to counseling together. It was a pretty positive trip, but I came back to the US after because I was still unsure about wanting to be back down there. The relationship on the whole still wasn't super solid, my work situation there was tough, and I just felt I needed the family support.

I've been at my parents for the last month, and despite ongoing counseling we have again worsened, to the point where divorce is back on the table because I want to stay here, he wants to stay there, and he was, in my opinion, so selfish as to even say "If we can't go somewhere just the two of us for Easter break, then I'm not going anywhere" - meaning, not visiting me here with my family.

We don't have children. I already have a lawyer with power of attorney in the country where we live(d) together. Basically right now, he's said he isn't willing to move to the US for the time being. So I would have to move there again for this to work out.

I feel like I'm always the one giving, moving, etc. It's distracting from my work and my relationships with family and friends. I'm really resentful over that. And the thought of moving back down there after all of this... I mean, is it really ever going to get better? Will more time and counseling help? Is it worth hanging on to such a small sliver of hope, trying to convince myself that I still love him?

I just can't bring myself to let go, to call the lawyer, to say "just do it." I feel I need to keep working at it, and I keep thinking "maybe this time will be different." Some things have improved with counseling, and I think that more visits to the therapist will help us greatly, but after so much pain and drama, constantly, over the last 18 months, is it worth it? How will I know? Can I uproot myself -- emotionally and physically -- once more in the hope that maybe, just maybe, we can work it out?


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## takczynie (May 4, 2011)

wow this sounds like a very similar siuation to mine. Difference being I didnt move countries for him, but moved from a city to a small country town. I feel the same as you. Although you have more guts than me to go back to th US. 
We havn't been happy at all since we got married but yet i still hold on to the hope that maybe things will get better. 
How are thigns going for you?


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## GitanaGirasol (Apr 21, 2011)

On Sunday I told him I wasn't ready to move back because we've been fighting so much, and last night he told me he wants a divorce and there is no chance of reconciliation since I won't move back. Haven't stopped crying since he told me, he is so cold and nonchalant on the phone. I am distraught and so, so sad. I can't admit this, I don't want my marriage to end even though we have had so many problems. I look at our pictures and our wedding video and even though I remember so many fights, I also remember how much I loved him. I am in complete despair.


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