# How to bring up the subject of separation ?



## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

I have no idea how to even start the conversation. I think I am finally ready but am so conflict avoidant it is a very difficult conversation for me to start 

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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

I teach/advise a method of communication that is explained as in black and white fashion. Imagine you are a court reporter. Relay the information you want to and try to avoid using emotion, as a court reporter does not include it, either. If you receive an emotional plea in response, then refer back to the black and white text that you figuratively wrote. While I don't necessarily advise actually reading it off a piece of paper, I do think it would help you practice by writing the words you wish to use. Look at it and re-evaluate it again a bit later. Doing so helps to ease the anxiety that inevitably comes with a serious discussion as you plan to have. You are only relaying the truth and you and your partner deserve your truth to be known. It also might help to ask in advance when your partner is free to talk. This depends on your partner's work schedule and stress level, in general.

Relationship Teacher


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you think that your spouse will react to being told that you want a separation?

Has this been discussed before?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I suggest work out what you want to say and why. What your concerns are for her and why.

Then say it simply as you can. There is no easy way.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I felt the same way at the end of my first marriage. I wrote down what I wanted to say....I scratched out stuff that was too emotional or non-productive. I narrowed down my points, tried to clarify what I wanted to say. When I got it how I wanted it....I imagined all the possible responses he might give. And I imagined how I might then respond. I folded up the paper and put it in my pocket. I knew I wouldn't take it out to read it, but it felt comforting to just have it. 

So I dressed hot ..... actually, because I wanted him to LOOK at me and SEE me and HEAR me. Well, bottom line it all worked for me. I felt confident and clear. I said my piece. He blew hot air. I said more. He poo-pooed my opinion/wants/needs/plans/ideas.... just as he ever did. I cried a little. He mocked me, told me not to cry. LOL, this is where the confidence helped. I knew it was hopeless at this point, so I just told him F U, I'll cry if I want. The ending of 23 years is sad, so FU and have a nice life. 

Even in hindsight, I love that whole thing. Where I stood up, said my piece, and didn't let him mock me. It was over, that's for sure. But it was a good ending, an ending that convinced me that I'd done what I could and that it was a losing battle. 

Soooooooo...... in a nutshell..... narrow down what you want to say, say what you mean, don't take any crap, look good and keep your head high. No matter which way the relationship goes after that, you will at least be proud of yourself.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Write out 3-4 lines that gets the point across. Something like:

"This has been on my mind for a while and I've given it a lot of thought. I feel our marriage is in trouble and I'd like a separation. I know this is difficult to hear but this is where I'm at right now."

Memorize these lines. Say them over and over in your mind so they just flow out. After that, you can respond depending on what he says.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If you're having trouble how to put in words what to say, maybe things aren't bad enough for a separation. I'd always thought that if it got to that point you would have no trouble putting it into words. Have you tried every other way to resolve the problems. You seldom fix them if you just run away from them.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Thanks for the input. I have been "rehearsing". Hurting him is what I am so afraid of. I know he will try and talk me out of it and try and get me to cave. 

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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I read your other threads. You are obviously done why bother with separation and prolong the agony?

Can you not just file and get it over with?


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