# He brought her to the door!!!!!



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry folks, I know this isn't life shattering or anything, but I'm just so p!ssed right now that I've got to rant. I'm trying to rush to get something finished to enter into a contest. I have to turn it in tonight and I'm down to the wire. I wanted to see my son after school since I probably won't see him again til Sunday, so since he gets off the school bus by my house, he was going to be here 1/2 hour before STBXH picks him up. STBXH was aware of my schedule. 
Well, of course he was really late. I started working on my project again, then I heard him drive up. I went to the door and see him walking up with the OW/GF!! He's had her in the car before but never brought her up to the door. I'm not a rude person, so normally I'd invite someone in. STBXH comes in every day almost. But he knows my place is a disaster area right now. And AGAIN, I'M FRIGGIN BUSY!!! And I certainly don't feel like entertaining HER (who I'd known before they started their EA turned PA). I'm yelling for DS to hurry so I don't get stuck looking rude or inviting them in, but he's engrossed in a cartoon and just keeps yelling 'WHAT?" I'm just so stunned to see her there but I have to open the door and smile and chit chat, show them what I'm making (which I felt just looked totally stupid when I showed it to her), etc. Finally DS shows up and I can tell he's surprised seeing her there, too. She starts sweet-talking DS right away, gives him a hug, etc. I could just cry and scream and hit something right now. 

I feel just totally deflated. I'm trying to get involved in these things and just go on because he's taken away the choices I made of how I wanted to live my life. And he just has to keep rubbing my nose in it. I was really trying to force myself to do this and hope I have fun. I just want to go to bed. I'm going to go and not know anyone and it will just remind me how alone I am. Why do I keep setting myself up for these things?

Why does he get rewarded with an affair partner who is now his girlfriend, no his 'love' as he's told me. He sold me and our marriage out for friends, her, his school. I held on to him and our marriage no matter what - stress, physical illness, mental illness, financial issues, even when he got more and more abusive. Even giving up myself to try to make him happy. In the end I have nothing - not him, not a relationship, and not myself. He still has his friends, his girlfriend, and as of next week, his degree. The karma bus has run me over and is carrying him to better things. 

I'm just really tired and I think I'm getting sick, too. I know I should be cool and collected like jpr and other people are, but right now I'm angry and I just want to cry and give up. I'm tired of starting over after abusive relationships. I'm just tired. I'm sorry.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Don't be sorry, you're human. Right now I'm feeling the same way. He gets to go on with his life, his friends, etc., and here I sit at home alone. Child #1 is down visiting him and his family right now. I have no family here or friends really. I know I should force myself to get out and do stuff, but it's hard. Kudos to you for pursuing something. I think you should finish your project and forge ahead as planned, you'll be glad you did. Come back and tell us how it went.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You have every right to feel angry. It was both insensitive and inappropriate for him to bring his OW to your front door, and in future I'd tell him not to do this. He chose to wreck his marriage with an affair, but it's now your choice to choose not to allow him to rub your nose in it like that.

It's really good that you're getting on with your life by getting on with other things right now. If I were you, in future I'd keep your STBXH at a distance and keep all conversations with him confined to your DS. Have DS ready to go when your STBXH comes to pick him up, so you don't have to have him in your home - let alone his OW.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That is just....wow....so wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Send him a text saying that he is to NEVER, EVER, again being her to your door, to your home, etc.

Send her an email, text, whatever telling her to stay the hell away from you and your home. 

What a lot of nerve the two of them have. 

You are every right to be so pissed right now.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

um angelpixie i would have gone ballastic if my ex did that and we are divorced now- i still have triggers when i see him on the phone and computer (which is all the time now that hes here) i just dont post about it cause it passes. You are making your life better and working on yourself so that you wont repeat the same mistakes in the next relationships , he on the other hand will be doomed to repeat his mistakes. just take some calming deep breaths and know it will be ok
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Had a similar scene happen last summer, only difference L brought T Wrecks down with him from NJ to FL, didn't tell a soul that she was with him. Just appeared at DS's door with the skankazoid in tow. Then did the same to MIL. Put them in the most awkward position ever. Think if DS and DIL had known ahead of time they'd have read him the riot act and told him and her to stay away. MIL, well that's another story.

I'd let them both know in no uncertain terms that that type of disrepectful behavior will absolutely not be tolerated, period. And if does, then do what you must.

Just amazes me the level to which these scumbags sink!!!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Oh my gosh, Angel!! I am sooooooooo angry for you! 


What he did was the epitome of poopiness! Wow! What an incredible butt he is!...and SHE is a poophead too. WOW!!

grrr.

They totally deserve each other. What complete a**-holes! Really. (excuse my language...but, really. unbelievable!).

I can't believe the nerve of some people. 

If it were me, I probably would have told her to get off my property. I would not have handled that situation with as much class and dignity as you did. 

When I found out that my ex and his girlfriend took my dog to the beach behind my back, I went ballistic. I called up my ex and told him to keep his wh*re away from my dog. ... Yeah, I know.  Not my most classiest moment. 

But, geez...I can't imagine what I would do if she showed up to my door and laid a hand on my son. 

Oh!..that makes me so mad!

You are incredible.

...and oh my gosh! do you deserve *soooo* much more than that piece of poop dirtbag! Really and truly.

You need to see that! You need to realize your own worth and how special you are!

You are so darn creative, and so insightful, and so sensitive, and just sooooo wonderful. 

You will see. You are going to triumph from all this. No, it is certainly not fair at all that you have had to endure so much heartbreak and so much abuse. But, man oh man!--you are just so incredible.

Please know that I am thinking of you. I hope that you are able to get back to your project...and I hope so much that you win that contest!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

cherokee96red said:


> I'd let them both know in no uncertain terms that that type of *disrepectful behavior will absolutely not be tolerated, period*. And if does, then do what you must.
> 
> Just amazes me the level to which these scumbags sink!!!



I agree with this statement. I definitely think you should let them know that they can not do this again.

My ex comes to pick up my son each morning before I go to work. I don't let him in my house. I bring my son out to his car each morning. I don't want him in my house anymore. This sort of helps me to stake a claim on my property and my life. ...it helped me to mentally separate my life and my property from my ex.

What your ex and his girlfriend did to you today was very disrespectful. It is such a reflection on them. 

grrrrr..


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Actually, OP, looking at it from the OW's point of view, your reaction must have totally floored her... As a woman, she had to know exactly how this would make you feel (particularly her hugging your DS in front of you), and it makes one wonder what sort of reaction she was hoping for...

Anyway, I think in the circumstances you handled their bad behaviour with dignity. Just get those boundaries in place for next time, though


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I had a similar situation happen too with the OM posting a pic of him kissing my wife on FB to screw with me. Thanks a lot @$$ hole! Back then I took the advice posted above too.... guess how much that helped. Yeah, she really found me attractive for blowing up at them. I learned how to deal with this with an almost zen master mind soon after. 

Pixie, I can help you turn his ploy for your attention against him with a few simple words. I used them all the time with jealous men trying to c*ck block me. In this circumstance just tell him "Aww you guys are cute" and continue on with what you were doing. He wants you to want him and feed his ego, and by you telling him this it shows you are neither jealous or attracted to him.... no guy likes to be called "cute".

The OW on the other hand will take this as a compliment and stop bashing you for being controlling or rude. He is really not the one you want to impress at first, it's her. You treat her kindly and show her she's won with no hard feelings, and she'll let her guard down about you because you're not interested in him. This will make your H fight harder for your attention and he'll soon be wondering what happened and why you seem different this time. 

Really you could make friends with either of them and the other person will get jealous, but nothing stirs a man worse than two cackling women dishing dirt on him. You get that ball rolling and he'll make sure he never makes the mistake of bringing her over or leaving you alone in the same room together. I say have pity of the OW for her desperation to keep a cheater and slowly seed in her mind that he really is a catch and very trust worthy so long as he loves his partner. Is it malicious and being a b!tch, hell yes! But is sure is fun being the OW for a chance and watching her twitch and blow up the phone to be reassured and gaslighted.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

i would have been angry. I definitely wouldnt have handled it as well as you. My STBXH knows id flip a lid and run my mouth to his girlfriend so i dont think he will bring her anywhere near me for a very very long time, lol.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

NSweet...I don't think that anyone is suggesting that Angel go ballistic. (...although, it would be completely understandable if she did...)

She handled this situation with so much class and dignity. ... I am in awe of that. 

But, seeing the other woman put her hands on Angel's son had to be just soo hard to see. I think that it is perfectly reasonable for Angel to approach her ex and calmly, yet firmly, tell him that is not acceptable behavior. 

Who cares is she is feeding his ego or not? I don't know about you, Angel...but, personally, I am past all that. I don't care to play games--or try to make my ex jealous...I don't really care about doing things to "keep him on his toes". 

At this point, I am just trying to do things to protect my own heart and create some boundaries.

I am worried about you, Angel. I am worried that you may not be doing enough to protect your own heart. --one way to protect your heart is to make sure that you are firm boundaries in place. In my opinion, your ex and his OW completely overstepped their bounds.

But, ultimately, that is for you to decide. ...and you shouldn't feel badly for enforcing your boundaries. 

You are one classy lady.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I can't add anything to what the others have said. Wish I would have been there to beat the sh*t outta him and throw his tramp in the gutter.

Then I'd give you a big hug.

The karma bus hasn't hit you sweetie. His day of reckoning is coming. Dysfunctional morons like him never lead happy lives. And as for the tramp, she'll be the one getting the back of his hand soon enough.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I would simply tell him he is to never bring her to the door again.

Don't apologize for having feelings and acknowledging that the feelings count.

Heck....he doesn't have to come to the door. He could use a cell phone to call the home and let the kids know he is at the curb and they can go out to him.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, you guys just have all made me cry. You are all so sweet and your support really means a lot. I threw a little fit, then I had to sit and try to figure out exactly what I was mad about. I'm not jealous of her -- you are all right: they are both cheaters, neither can be trusted, and they deserve each other. I don't really want him anymore. I think I'm still just grieving what I'd wanted and what I have instead. I just don't understand what he thought he'd accomplish by having her with. He is oblivious to other people's feelings enough that it's totally possible he would think that since we are done, the divorce is in process, what's the problem? We can all be friends, right? She was a friendly acquaintance before they started dating, he and I don't actively argue and fight anymore, so we can all be happy, right? He's that disordered, I truly believe that. Which is, unfortunately, another reason why I feel like there's so much pressure on me and how I act. My normal emotions are portrayed as crazy by him. 

I think I can ask that boundaries be respected and stand up for myself to an extent until the divorce -- and more importantly, the parenting plan -- are final. Then I will have no problem tearing him a new one.

Or, I'll just let bandit take care of him for me. 

Thank you all again. It means more than you know.

P.S. I got my project in literally in the nick of time. That's the good news. The bad news? Getting it finished in the aftermath of STBXHs visit had me making all kinds of mistakes, of course, and part of it broke. I tried the best I could to fix it and took it in anyway. The 2 or 3 people that saw it seemed impressed, so hopefully that's a good sign. Winner gets 1/2 of all the entry money, and voting is all day tomorrow at our geek/nerd/sci-fi/fantasy convention. I missed registration for the stuff going on tonight while I was doing the other registration, but just walking in & out of the hotel and seeing everybody in their costumes and fan t-shirts cheered me up a lot. Maybe I'll just bring my camera tomorrow. It's the first time I've gone to one. I certainly can't be more awkward than a whole hotel full of nerds.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Angel that sucks - totally insensitive and inappropriate of both him and his girl toy - you know what, that lack of awareness and frankly low moral character is not going to carry them to great places. If they seem pleased about themselves its only because they have deceived their tiny minds.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

that_girl said:


> That is just....wow....so wrong.


:iagree:


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## Sunshine72 (May 24, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> The karma bus hasn't hit you sweetie. His day of reckoning is coming. Dysfunctional morons like him never lead happy lives. And as for the tramp, she'll be the one getting the back of his hand soon enough.


This!!!! He will do the same things to her. It's only a matter of time. She will be just as devastated and won't be able to put herself in the same category as the OW. Shell continue to believe she was special somehow. He will end his life lonely or with someone he doesn't like just because he can't be alone. U will keep the respect of your children and will find your new happiness in life. I think you did great. I pribobably would have left them standing on the stoop while I collected DS without inviting them in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

" that lack of awareness and frankly low moral character is not going to carry them to great places."

Lon, this insight is BRILLIANT. I am going to write this down and look at it whenever I miss my stbxh. I need to be happy that I got off that ride!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> It's the first time I've gone to one. I certainly can't be more awkward than a whole hotel full of nerds.


Sounds like my kind of crowd. 

Have fun! Let us know how it goes. I have a good feeling about this...I think it just what your spirit needs. 



p.s. You ex sounds just like mine. Lack of empathy. Totally detachment from other human beings. Clueless. Such a sad existence.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

Wait a minute. Stop the press. Girl look at where you are now. You are strong. You have just survived a horrible event and you made it through. You are the brave one. Karma is not against you. A lot of times we look at other people and think that what they have looks better than what we have. They look happy and we are the ones that are hurting. Notice the word Looks Like. Everything that glitters ain't gold so they say. What goes around comes around. You can treat people like crap and not expect to be crapped on. Their time will come.
Hang in there.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> I had a similar situation happen too with the OM posting a pic of him kissing my wife on FB to screw with me. Thanks a lot @$$ hole! Back then I took the advice posted above too.... guess how much that helped. Yeah, she really found me attractive for blowing up at them. I learned how to deal with this with an almost zen master mind soon after.


I'm confused. I can't see anyone here advising the OP to blow up in front of her STBXH and his OW, which would not only be undignified but probably the worst thing she could do. The most that's been suggested is that she has the right to advise her STBXH that she doesn't want him bringing the OW to her home. Seems pretty reasonable to me?


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

My STBXH hasn't brought anyone to my door - what a stunner that would be. But he did bring a woman to our daughter's shows last January without telling me or her. I was standing in the lobby when he walked right past me, with a woman on his arm. He didn't look at me at all, though he was close enough to touch. Just cruised on by. It was devastating.

Then he left right after the show, as he had the previous three, without waiting to talk to our daughter. She had been wondering why her dad wasn't there to praise her after her shows. Well, that night we finally understood why he was taking off. All the other dads were there, hugging their daughters and givings them flowers. It was a lovely scene, except for the lone devastated 15-year-old girl who burst into tears in the middle of the crowded lobby because her father chose his new girlfriend over his daughter. 

I don't get these guys... just no sense of tact or diplomacy. No regard for anyone else's feelings. 

Angel, you've got class. Keep holding your head up high.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, solitude, that is horrible! What a self-centered jerk! If he didn't even talk to your daughter, why bother to show up? Well, I guess he could tell himself what a good dad he was for going to his daughter's show. Almost like they check things off a list instead of really feeling it, you know?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

solitudeseeker said:


> I don't get these guys... just no sense of tact or diplomacy. No regard for anyone else's feelings.


Whenever you're dealing with an affair you have to accept that your former spouse is going to do anything to accept responsibility for their actions. He cared enough to actually show up, which is more than most WS will do, but this was in part to impress her and show the OW he was potential fatherly material and make you jealous of him at the same time. He could have acknowledged you because there no doubt he saw you.... Instead he decided to be a d!ck about it and ignore you and HIS daughter. 

I know how badly this hurts but let me just point out how he's royally screwing himself. He is really acting no different than other cheaters who cut former friends and family out of their lives to live in the bubble with the AP. It is because of this rejection for all things former he may feel guilty about the two of them only have each other and will grow depressed over their lonely addiction when former loved ones ignore them as well. It really sucked that he couldn't man up and congratulate your daughter, at least feign interest for a few minutes.... but luckily for you this self centered action will come back to haunt him because an action like that just calls into question how he might treat the OW someday.

When their wonder lust starts to get old and he reaches out to those he once cared about to comfort him he'll get what he deserved..... A beautiful daughter that sides with you and rejects him, a former spouse that's doing better without him (possibly with a better man), a lover who finds him self centered and controlling, and depression over what he wants not being what he can have. You know the affair and any relationship too soon after divorce will not last long, and anybody he's with will be jealous of all the firsts you had with him and his daughter; so relax and let the baby have his bottle for now. 

Except next time don't enable him to use your daughter for their entertainment and then shun her. Either keep her performances and accomplishments from him or have her tell him he's no longer invited. Then watch him freak out because he can't see his family and have everything he wanted. I mean even visitation rights don't have to include performances and certainly don't give him the right to witness her at a distance and then leave. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, the fear of loss for his daughter and guilt over her rejecting him may just be exactly what he needs to shake him into reality. So long as he can keep pretending he's in her life and doing the right thing, even though his subconscious knows better, he won't even worry about his decisions hurting others.... it may take a while but this will get to him. 

I give this affair a year or two after divorce before it ends badly for him. Don't even sweat the small stuff or let him get to you, just know that her time in his arms as a trusted cheater with another cheater is going to end badly for one or both of them. Now do you have the strength to stand up to him and tell him his behavior is not acceptable, and will not be allowed to go to these events until he decides he can treat his daughter with respect? I promise you he will hate you for mentioning it but he'll have respect to you for standing up to him and not allowing him to act up around his family.... and if he wants to go to her graduation and see her more often he will have to ask you for permission. BTW you're not being a b!tch by asking for this, you're being assertive and not allowing him to step on yours or his daughters feelings anymore.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

solitudeseeker said:


> My STBXH hasn't brought anyone to my door - what a stunner that would be. But he did bring a woman to our daughter's shows last January without telling me or her. I was standing in the lobby when he walked right past me, with a woman on his arm. He didn't look at me at all, though he was close enough to touch. Just cruised on by. It was devastating.
> 
> Then he left right after the show, as he had the previous three, without waiting to talk to our daughter. She had been wondering why her dad wasn't there to praise her after her shows. Well, that night we finally understood why he was taking off. All the other dads were there, hugging their daughters and givings them flowers. It was a lovely scene, except for the lone devastated 15-year-old girl who burst into tears in the middle of the crowded lobby because her father chose his new girlfriend over his daughter.
> 
> ...


i feel bad for your daughter.
she is obviously seeing how he is and where his priorities are that he cant even tell her what he should as a father.
he will wake up one day and wonder why he has no relationship with his daughter.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Angel, I think you did great! Waaaaay better than what I would have.
Keep on with the indifference and hold your head up high! You are a damn fine woman, always remember that!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

dear angelpixie

i think you should tell the azzhole that he is not to bring hoochie mamma to the house any more.
tell him that you had given him the luxury of coming to your house and waiting inside for ds but he has lost that luxury due to his insensitive behavior so he is to now wait outside the house and you will bring ds to the door when he is ready.

let him know that with not getting upset and no emotion.
let him know it is non-negotiable, there will be no discussion about it. no arguing about it.

she must be one air-headed dumb b!tch to think it would be ok to do what she did.
he picked a real winner this time.
definitely a huge step down from what he had in you.

instead of letting this upset you, you should be sitting back laughing your azz off for what each of them ended up with.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best is spot on. It's my guess, too, that it won't be too long before the STBXH starts to compare the OW with the OP and it wouldn't surprise me if he started trying to make a come back. Hopefully by then, though, the OP will be enjoying her brand new life too much to be so much as tempted!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I'm still laughing at your stbh for acting like the OW is going to be perfect and SOOO much different. 

Yeah, let me tell you what her plans are going be. She's going to wait until after you're divorced to make it official and start showing him off, this time as her official man with less guilt. She'll pressure him into getting married soon after and punish him for wanting to wait. I believe you said they already had plans but let's see how they turn out months after he's lost half of everything and his kids don't want anything to do with him. Even if they are deep in the fog and go ahead and tie the knot it's going to hurt come father's day and all the other times he's not allowed into your world.

Soon after she'll start trying to change him in her perfect image, as all women do somewhat. Although she's probably started this, she's going to trying to get away with it more and more just to remake him and erase every memory of you. You can bet she will compare herself to you from time to time but check it out.... she's going to have to keep doing all those small things she promised to keep him from missing you. How long do you think that will last before she's sitting around in yoga pants watching daytime television and smoking inside even though she swore up and down she quit for him.

The best part has to be when she grows even more clingy than normal and controlling over what he can keep and her nesting. I'm sure you've already worked this out and he still had his hobbies and tv shows he watched independently, you came to an agreement about the carpet drape combo and such. Instead of a gradual process she's more likely to get rid of anything she hates of his quicker than normal including contact with you and his kids, which I suspect is the reason why he wouldn't talk to his daughter or make a courtesy call to gaslight himself at the very least. You better believe she's jealous of you!

You just watch her try to change him until he snaps. Instead of a healthy person absorbing some traits of the other and giving some of their own slowly over time, APs move at breakneck speed to keep their new catch perfect and from doubting their decision. That kind of controlling overdose is enough to kill even the strongest love for each other, but then again neither on of them are in a healthy relationship or good for each other. 

Need I remind you he's going to tell himself whatever he want to believe so he can see you a wonderful person as inferior and the cause of all his unhappiness.

Psychostick - My Clingy Girlfriend - YouTube


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I haven't talked to him about yesterday yet because I don't want it and him ruining my weekend. I'm back from my Day 1 of the convention and I had a great time. Even though I'm not a gamer or a writer or Dr. Who fan (never seen it, in fact) there was still a lot to do. The night finished off with a costume contest followed by a drag/burlesque show. Hilarious! Random people stopped me through the day and asked to take my picture, even though my costume was really plain compared to a lot of them. Unfortunately, I have to wait til tomorrow night to find out how I did with the thing I made. 

I chickened out and didn't go to the after-party, though. Maybe next year on that one, LOL. I'm going to pull out my corset and bustle skirt and stuff and get that ready to wear tomorrow. DS joins me at about 11 and we'll be mainly hitting kid workshops all day and taking in the family barbecue. STBXH was a poop and would not pick up DS a little earlier than usual on Monday morning so that I didn't have to bring him to the last workshop I wanted to go to and have him stand in line with me for the author book-signing. Jerk. I even warned him that I might be asking him, and it's right by the house so he has to drive literally 3 minutes. I suppose he wants as many minutes in (our former) bed with the skank as possible in the morning. Whatever. Arsehole.

But, back to happier things -- I will definitely be going back next year. I suppose I should start planning my schedule with DS now. 

In case you all didn't see it the 'What fun things are you doing this weekend?' thread, this convention/Memorial Day weekend marks the 1-year anniversary of me telling STBXH that I was done fighting for our marriage and I wanted a divorce. A very big weekend for me. If you read my post there, you'll see why this convention is an extra big thing for me. Kind of symbolic. I feel pretty good tonight. I hope DS and I have a good time tomorrow. I think we will. 

I hope you're all having a good weekend, too. ((hugs))


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

do you have pix in your costume?
put it in your profile! 
glad you had a good time.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And to top it off, I just checked my match.com account, and it looks like I might have a date on Monday!! Don't know much about him except he's attractive, younger, funny, and volunteers helping children in Central America. Hmm... [mentally weighs this guy vs. STBXH...] I really hope he's nice. That would be the perfect end to this weekend.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> And to top it off, I just checked my match.com account, and it looks like I might have a date on Monday!! Don't know much about him except he's attractive, younger, funny, and volunteers helping children in Central America. Hmm... [mentally weighs this guy vs. STBXH...] I really hope he's nice. That would be the perfect end to this weekend.


and thanks to you, mine is wed night 
not with the same guy though


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> do you have pix in your costume?
> put it in your profile!


It's really not all that exciting. Seriously. A long tweed dress over an old-fashioned blouse with high lace-up shoes and a bowler hat (my character was a WWI-era woman scientist in a steampunk novel, and all the scientists wore bowler hats), and some period jewelry. I'm really not sure why so many people fancied it.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> and thanks to you, mine is wed night
> not with the same guy though


Glad I could be of assistance [bows].


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> It's really not all that exciting. Seriously. A long tweed dress over an old-fashioned blouse with high lace-up shoes and a bowler hat (my character was a WWI-era woman scientist in a steampunk novel, and all the scientists wore bowler hats), and some period jewelry. I'm really not sure why so many people fancied it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You sure you're mentally stable enough to go out on a date after all of this. You may need a few days off to yourself to recap so you don't inadvertently say something you shouldn't have.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


>


Doesn't sound like a good costume, LOL?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> You sure you're mentally stable enough to go out on a date after all of this. You may need a few days off to yourself to recap so you don't inadvertently say something you shouldn't have.


Like, 'Wow, you sure are more human-acting than my crazy-a$$ed ex!!' :rofl: Really, though, I have had so little one-on-one social contact with guys for the last many years that I feel like I need to just spend time with other men and see that they're not all like him. Just being here on TAM and communicating with all of you has helped me out a lot!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Doesn't sound like a good costume, LOL?


no, because it sounds like you dont want to put one up 
i like to see what mah friends are doing.
oh yeah, were 'enemies' :rofl:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> no, because it sounds like you dont want to put one up
> i like to see what mah friends are doing.
> oh yeah, were 'enemies' :rofl:


Only 33% enemies


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I hear that Angel,
I went two years without so much as talking to another woman other than placing an order, just so I could reserve a place for my undeserving ex wife. The first real connection I've had with a woman since my divorce just reminded me of every reason I hated single life and the self centered people who thrive on using others.

Maybe I'm just biased now that I was married and not willing to deprogram or revert to bachelor mode, but I prefer talking to divorced women and single mothers who are truly understand what I went through instead of sympathizing with may-december relationships of their own. And that's why my friends keep trying to hook me up with single moms in their 20s or so I'm told.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> I hear that Angel,
> I went two years without so much as talking to another woman other than placing an order, just so I could reserve a place for my undeserving ex wife. The first real connection I've had with a woman since my divorce just reminded me of every reason I hated single life and the self centered people who thrive on using others.
> 
> Maybe I'm just biased now that I was married and not willing to deprogram or revert to bachelor mode, but I prefer talking to divorced women and single mothers who are truly understand what I went through instead of sympathizing with may-december relationships of their own. And that's why my friends keep trying to hook me up with single moms in their 20s or so I'm told.


Oh, he's not _that_ much younger, and he has been married before. No kids, though his profile says he's OK with his partner having kids (not that we're partners, obviously, that's just the way the dating site words it). 

I realized how much I took from STBXH because I thought that was normal and that I was the one making too big of a deal of things...well, I thought that because that's what HE told me. I went out of my way to NOT hang out with guys when I was with him, because of how I viewed marriage. He didn't feel the same way about hanging around with women, and as I feared it would, his attitude about fidelity and marriage made it easy for him to leave, and he had a 'friend' more than willing to become more than a friend. I don't even know where or how to meet anyone anymore! I never needed to, lol. This is as much about socialization again as it is about dating, if that makes sense.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> do you have pix in your costume?
> put it in your profile!
> glad you had a good time.


I added 2 to my album.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Wow, Angelpixie...this is quite a weekend for you.

I loved the photos. You are so talented and creative! Amazing.

I bet you are the greatest mom....and I bet your son always creates the most creative projects for school.  ...he has such a creative mom to help him out. It will be exciting to see how your creativity and compassion and heart rub off on him in the future. He has just a bright future ahead of him because of you.

I liked reading about your day so much....the main reason why I like reading about your day was because of your attitude. Here are just a few examples of your awesome attitude:

1. You could have chosen to let Friday night's escapade really bring you down...but, you didn't. You finished the project. (I can't wait to here what the results are of the competition, by the way! )

2. This is a very significant weekend for you--one year since you started changing your life. ...and you are spending this weekend by doing something so fun and so awesome. A lot of people would choose to wallow at home drinking a bottle of wine--but you are just living life...and it is great!

3. Your ex is a poop. He won't work with you on the pick up time for your son. But, you are recognizing him for the poophead that he is, and you are going to just deal with the setback. Your son and you are going to have a great time. 

You are "choosing your attitude" and you are *TRIUMPHING*! 

So awesome....and such an inspiration.

My ex is very similar to yours, and he spent years telling me who I was and what I was capable of doing and not doing...and I am so thankful to be out of that fog now. It sounds like you are too. I totally understand how dating to you is about learning to be social again. I tend to be a little socially awkward too, and I am trying to put myself out there...extend my comfort zone...and learn to be more social. 

I think you are great. Thanks for telling us about your day. This is going to serve as an inspiration to me for the rest of my weekend. It gave me a kick in the butt--and I needed that! Thanks so much!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, jpr, you are so sweet!! I admit that your positive attitude is rubbing off on me.  There was a post you wrote a while back where you were feeling really badly because of your ex, but instead of it getting you down, you were just looking forward to spending time with your son and your dog. That really hit me -- made me realize that sometimes, I need to just move on and look forward to good things if I want to feel better. And it does feel better than when I was curled up in a ball, sobbing on my bed! 

It's so funny how my feelings and attitude are changing towards my ex. Yesterday when I called to tell DS good-night, he asked how things were going and how people liked my costume. In the past, I would have taken his show of interest as some kind of sign of positive feelings toward me. Instead, I felt like he was just patronizing me, like a 'cool kid' showing a little kindness to those less fortunate. I'm glad my fog is lifted, too. 

I hope you have a great Sunday and Monday, jpr -- you deserve it! I'm glad to read that you're feeling better, too.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I added 2 to my album.


awesome angel pixie.
lookin good ms. 32% 

you should get the people behind you photo shopped out to keep the old time feeling of the photo.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Just now reading this. Even just this thread, you've spent the weekend riding that roller coaster.

You handled your STBX's visit with class - something he seems to know nothing about!

Glad to hear you didn't let it keep you down long. Good luck with your contest entry AND hot date!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I just logged into FB for the first time in a long time, and I forgot that OW's posts still pop up on my wall. Well, guess what? Her profile pic is her and STBXH as a 40s detective and his 'dame.' (He's got a very small photo business -- which of course I was a big part of when he first was getting it off the ground) Her post was about a photo shoot that '[X] and I shot together.' WTF??? Now she's his f-ing assistant, too? 

When we got back from the convention today, I was startled to see STBXH driving into my driveway right after me. He was dropping off the laptop for DS, and I didn't get the text that he was on his way. She, of course, was in the car. I was in my corset costume today, so at least I know I looked nice (unless she thinks that's all beneath her). When we got in the house, I mentioned that almost every time I see x she's with him. DS said 'Yeah, they do things together a lot. I asked Dad if she could not be around all the time so we could do more father-son stuff [apparently the 2nd time, at least, he's asked, since I know this came up a few months ago when he first went public with her] -- _and she wasn't around this morning, at least_" I said, 'Oh, but otherwise she was?' Yes -- she took him to his favorite kids science center yesterday, borrowing x's camera (he never let me touch the f'ing thing!!) to take pics of him. Then they walked the 2 blocks to her place where she fed him - 2 cookies. DS says he likes her and they have a good time together. It feels like someone stabbed me in the heart. I know DS was not in any way trying to hurt me. He was just being honest -- and I want him to know he can talk to me. 

It is just really obvious that STBXH is moving her into his (DS's) life more and more. I would not be surprised if he's already asked her to get married. That's par for the course with a personality disorder -- and the way he was with me. 

Then to see the FB thing, too. I blocked her now, obviously. Funny thing I just thought of when I mentioned her thinking my costume would be beneath her -- one of the things we did for his business was to host a gallery night in a downtown office we rented to share for both our businesses. A He11 of a lot of work, let me tell you. The night of the show, she showed up drunk, wearing a neon pink cosplay wig and a black skintight dress that barely covered her ass. She acted like some kind of a lush, being loud and falling over all the guys from their clique who showed up -- including professors (she was still dating the other guy at the time). STBXH was pretty pissed at the time. Amazing how she's now the greatest thing since sliced bread. At least my costumes are not embarrassing, and neither is my behavior. 

He's such a f-ing loser, and she's such a f-ing tramp.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But on a brighter note -- Thai food for lunch tomorrow with the hot guy!!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Hmmmm.....

What's the worst possible outcome that would happen if you let the OW spoil your child all she wants? I'll tell you..... He will keep asking for more, and more, and more from her. Genius plan on her part bound to backfire even though he will favor her more in the beginning for giving him things. 

Plain to see she's just buying his affection and you know big daddy is paying for all it. Let her deal with the puppy dog eyes and go begging big daddy to buy something he doesn't needs, so they don't fight. You know just how annoying all of this is going to be to both of them? Win freakin win, you share custody and tell him bed time stories and sing songs only "the way mommy does it better" and she buys the bike hoping she can replace you.

No matter how hard she tries she can't replace you as his mother and she knows this. Every time she tries to replace you it's going to feel awkward and forced. By the end of their affair you'll be the sweet mother that gave kissed his boo-boos and she'll be the evil witch telling him he can't have this and that every time they go shopping. 

There's a name adopted children have for their step mom.... and it goes a little something like, Step B.... you finish it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> But on a brighter note -- Thai food for lunch tomorrow with the hot guy!!


Way to go Angel!! Whoo-hoo!:smthumbup:

Are you going to smooch with him?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

angelpixie said:


> But on a brighter note -- Thai food for lunch tomorrow with the hot guy!!


You letting him pay...?!?!?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you going to smooch with him?


I don't know yet. I'm keeping my options open. 



nice777guy said:


> You letting him pay...?!?!?


...and I don't know. I was suggesting coffee/bakery places (not really knowing what time we were talking about), then he suggested lunch at the Thai place. 

Now that all my other business of the day is done, I'm starting to get nervous! Grrr. Maybe I'll make a cup of tea and go take a bubble bath & try to wind down. We just got back from watching a magician doing a fire-eating/breathing performance at the convention - - outside where it's about 42 degrees and raining. I am chilled to the bone!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I don't know yet. I'm keeping my options open.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


AWESOME!

So excited for you and your date!

Yeah.

by the way--sunny and 85 degree here. Headed to the beach with my little man right now.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

yea angel! better give details  Have fun at the beach jpr, we went swimming yesterday at ex fil cause it was close to 100 here, it was tons of 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> lookin good ms. 32%


gonna change that to ms 59%.
its more of the positive, and he11, thats better than the odds of most marriages working out. 

have fun at lunch...
but not too much, youve only just met


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Actually, OP, looking at it from the OW's point of view, your reaction must have totally floored her... As a woman, she had to know exactly how this would make you feel (particularly her hugging your DS in front of you), and it makes one wonder what sort of reaction she was hoping for...
> 
> Anyway, I think in the circumstances you handled their bad behaviour with dignity. Just get those boundaries in place for next time, though


:iagree:

A dignity I would have never been able to carry off, I'm afraid! People like this (OP's STBX and his OW) never cease to amaze me. The NERVE! Reminds me of my H's ex, who asked him if she could stay over at our place this summer. Uh, ya, like THAT's gonna happen. Pfff. People!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Well, I'm back! Lunch was nearly 2 hours, and we had no trouble finding things to talk about. He is much more into Eastern philosophy, but understands where I've been trying to go with my therapy and trying to learn mindfulness practice. He's an ICU nurse, and has also gone to Central America a few times with a local medical aid group. (Major points for him in my book) He asked questions about DS and seemed to like kids. There wasn't really any flirting involved, but that was OK. I felt like I could just talk to him. He is a tad metrosexual, but the upside of that is that he looked much nicer than the other two guys, LOL. He has a beautiful smile and blue eyes. 

He wants to know if I want to go to sushi with him sometime.  I have DS for the week starting tomorrow, but I told him maybe next week and he said that sounded great. 

And the sun came out just long enough for us to sit outside and eat, for the first time in 3 days (the Thai place was closed, so we went to a local deli). It is now cloudy and chilly again. The universe was also smiling on my date, I guess!

Oh - I thought this was significant. We ran into a few different people who knew him while we were eating. They all seemed really happy to see him. That speaks well of his character, I think. He may just be friend material, but I think he's someone I'd like to go skiing with, or listen to music, or something like that. Which would be great!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

good for you angelpixie.
me and my 59% are jealous


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, thanks, 2nd -- and you'll have a great time on Wednesday.  Then I can be jealous!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> Oh, thanks, 2nd -- and you'll have a great time on Wednesday.  Then I can be jealous!


yeah, right.
you moving to tennessee any time soon 
then i would see if i couldnt get that 59% raised up a bit, at least to 69%


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

sending hugs your way angel, just caught up with this thread - what an insensitive asshat! Your date sounds fab though  x


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

So I waited til today to ask STBXH not to bring 'visitors' to my door without asking me first. I was very calm, and my request totally took him off guard and surprised him. He just has no clue. I told him I hated being put on the spot. He said he didn't know it was going to happen til she got out of the car and started walking with him. I guess she said later that she was glad she got to come say hi to me. See what I mean? If I complain, she looks nice, polite, and friendly and I look like the crazy jealous ex who can't just wish him well and want him to be happy, even if that's without me. All of that 'If you love someone, set them free' bullsh!t. I tried to tell him that, no matter who it is, it's just rude to bring someone up to someone else's door and put them on the spot to invite them in, etc. He thought it perfectly reasonable to tell me that if he wants to bring anyone up when he picks up DS at my place, he will call ahead if he's able and get the yay or nay from me, and if he can't the default will be to just not do it. 

He just doesn't see her or this situation as anything that should cause me any kind of hurt or stress or anything. I don't know. Maybe I _shouldn't_ care anymore. I don't want him back. Making a big deal out of the two of them does nothing to make me healthier, and runs the risk of giving them ammunition to turn DS against me (again, crazy b!tch mom vs. nice happy GF). I know the next step is to see them acting like a couple in front of me. That will be hard. 

I just need to detach; sort of develop a split personality when I deal with him. I am really trying to grow and enjoy so many other parts of my life. Dealing directly with him is really my only major source of hurt and pain. The rest I can deal with. I've been through a lot like it before. His betrayal is the worst, most personal hurt I've ever experienced, but it's done. How I treat him now can't undo that. Only he can take steps to do that, and that's his choice and his alone. I wonder if I can harden myself only when I have to deal with him, and keep my heart open with everyone else.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Now see that's what I've been trying to tell you! 

Whenever you're around him *you need to be on your best behavior* so as to *not give him any reason to push you away or take her side.* Part of that means agreeing to his innermost intentions and rejecting him as anything more than a distant friend, put him in the "friend zone" with your body language and choice of words. *The more comfortable he feels that you don't want him romantically anymore the more he will trust you alone with him.*

It stands to reason he will protect the OW and be blinded by the rose colored glasses of the affair, so any hurtful actions he may make to support her will seem like nothing to him. Even his closest friends and family will be pushed away in defense of her. Err go *DO NOT PUT HER DOWN TO YOUR STBXH OR HAVE YOUR SON REPEAT ANYTHING!* This will be seen as an attack on his pride and only have have him push you away or fight with you more often. I know you don't want him back but you do at least want peaceful interactions.

Also if she had to come in with him to see you then there was more to it than that! Either she was really intent on meeting you, seeing who the wonderful woman he spoke of really was in person..... Yeah, I don't believe that either! OR she didn't trust him to be alone around you and had to come in holding his arm as a demonstration of ownership and dominance. *That would just be the beginning move in her undoing.* While your simple request to have her not come with him next time may fall of deaf ears and backfire, I can think of a few ways to accomplish that goal and have her grow more controlling and needy as you spend time together as friendly exes.

For starters just drop it. You don't want to seem jealous of the OW and controlling do you? I didn't think so. And you're missing the positives here - You're STBH is still visiting with you all on his own without being forced to. He could be a d!ck and demand you leave your son on the front steps or he won't come by and see him but he's not. And any verbal requests to keep her away will seem like a jealous demand. So that will be out of the question, besides there's a much easier way with nonverbal actions. 

What I have in mind is for you to treat the OW like a friend of a friend and show her over the course of a few visits that there's nothing to worry about with you and him. Invite them both in for coffee and small friendly chit chat for a few minutes each week. She doesn't like you anyways and will always be jealous, so just put up with her treating her kind until she deems you safe enough to trust your stbxh alone with you. When she does trust you, then you can enjoy more and more time alone with your stbxh and your kids having lunch or low investment visits.... that means small walks, lunch at restaurants close by, just no amusement parks or long trips. Think *convenient, close by, and communication.*

In time she'll start trying to control him more and more. She'll whine and cry, try to guilt trip him into staying away but if he generally likes visiting you then there's nothing she can do to keep him away from you of the kids. You'll have inside jokes that will feel awkward around her, things you talked about in secrecy that she won't understand et. You just gotta put up with her freaking out for a while before he starts to favor you ( a little role reversal of how this affair started out) but it's completely do-able..... *IF YOU CAN HAVE PATIENTS AND CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS.* You can sit there for hours and sew intricate pieces of clothing together, if that isn't mastery of patient I don't know what is.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Just reading this Angel. My heart hurts for you. I'm not sure how the hell any one can be this heartless and disrespectful. You are a much better women than me. I probably would have kicked both there @sses. What disrespect and balls she has to even come there.

I hope by now you are doing better. I will pray for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Angelpixie just caught up with the date - love it- glad you had a good time


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

*Your date!...*
Your date sounded very promising, Angel. That guy seems to have a lot going for him....except for maybe the metrosexual part. (personally, I don't find "pretty boys" that attractive--and I don't think they are attracted to me either)

I always sort of think that the amount of hair-gel a man uses is inversely proportional to our compatibility level. 

But, this guy seems like he has a lot going for him. ...he seems very interesting! I hope you have a 2nd date, because I would like to know more about him. 

*Your Ex...*

Again...he sounds a lot like mine. Are you sure that you didn't marry my ex-husband?...I would be seriously suspicious of that except I think we live on opposite coasts. 

I think that both of our ex's just live in a very ego-centric world. ...and they can't think outside of themselves. I have found that the best way of dealing with my ex is just to not engage.

For instance, this weekend, my ex wrote me an email shortly after I picked up my son from him. My son had a slight sunburn when I picked him up at my ex's apartment. So, I questioned my ex about it and asked him, "Didn't you put sunscreen on him?". My ex replied, "Of course!"...and I didn't really think anything of it. No big deal, right? Well, he emailed me later on that day and accused me of talking to him in an agitated way and questioning his parenting. ....Say what?! Where did that come from? My first instinct was to write him back and apologize for the misunderstanding and explain myself. I was going over and over our exchange in my mind...trying to figure out what I did or said that made him rwrite this sort of nasty email to me.

...but, then I thought: "What do I have to apologize for? I am not married to him anymore. I no longer have to walk on eggshells around him. I don't have to placate to his insecurities and moods anymore. " 

So, I decided to just simply reply with this simple statement, "I was not agitated with you, and I did not talk to you in an agitated way."

He didn't respond for quite sometime...and when he finally responded, he simply said, "I am sorry. I was just being sensitive".

Wow. HE actually apologized for something. 

Anyway...my point is...you have every right not to want your ex's lover in your home. That is perfectly reasonable---and absolutely normal. I don't know ANYONE who would be okay with her coming into your home and touching your son in front of you.

So, you should indeed put those boundaries in place. But, you do not need to justify it to your ex. You should simply be able to say, "I don't want you to bring unexpected guests to my front door anymore. " Period. No discussion. If he starts to question your boundary, just stop him and say that you don't care for an explanation from him or his rationale for doing the things that he does....it is your house, and you don't want unexpected guests at your doorstep. 

It is your house. There should be absolutely no discussion about this. 

Your ex is a poop.  
Period. 
No discussion. 

There are such better options out there for you--even if they do happen to be a tad bit metrosexual. 



Chin up! You are doing grrrrrrrrreat!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

jpr said:


> *I always sort of think that the amount of hair-gel a man uses is inversely proportional to our compatibility level. *


*

What a line. Loved it. 

By the way... ummm... I don't wear use that stuff. 

Angelpixie, I hope you have fun!*


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

"wear use"... ah man. I am the king of typos.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You were just nervous cuz you were writing to jpr.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think your boundary is totally reasonable. Don't over think it. Certainly doesn't make you the "Mean Mom."

I think you handled it perfectly.

So - when's the next hot date?!?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't know -- when are you free? just sayin'  j/k -- in a silly mood tonight.
I had planned to ask if he wanted to do the sushi thing next week-- probably just as friends rather than a date, though. But I found out tonight that it looks like the only time my dad and brother can visit is week after next, which means every spare moment will be taken up getting my place ready. 

But I probably should take time out for sushi anyway -- I'll need a time-out from cleaning, right?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't tease! It's not polite!!!

Your family will understand if the place isn't perfect! Now - go eat some raw fish!!!

(I'd take you to Long John Silver's - where they actually cook the stuff!)


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> (I'd take you to Long John Silver's - where they actually cook the stuff!)


Excellent choice, my good man!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Lol!!! Plus I've got coupons!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Lol!!! Plus I've got coupons!!!


OMG! You know you just said the magic word, don't you?!? A man who uses coupons...(I'm not teasing)


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Lol! And to think - I'd been trying to hide it all these years!!!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

jpr said:


> I hope you have a *2nd* date


thanks for the support jpr, i do too


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Watch out for Long John Silvers! That fried fish is delicious but every time I eat a plate from there I get a terrible stomach ache that lasts for days.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> So I waited til today to ask STBXH not to bring 'visitors' to my door without asking me first. I was very calm, and my request totally took him off guard and surprised him. He just has no clue. I told him I hated being put on the spot. He said he didn't know it was going to happen til she got out of the car and started walking with him. I guess she said later that she was glad she got to come say hi to me. See what I mean? If I complain, she looks nice, polite, and friendly and I look like the crazy jealous ex who can't just wish him well and want him to be happy, even if that's without me. All of that 'If you love someone, set them free' bullsh!t. I tried to tell him that, no matter who it is, it's just rude to bring someone up to someone else's door and put them on the spot to invite them in, etc. He thought it perfectly reasonable to tell me that if he wants to bring anyone up when he picks up DS at my place, he will call ahead if he's able and get the yay or nay from me, and if he can't the default will be to just not do it.
> 
> He just doesn't see her or this situation as anything that should cause me any kind of hurt or stress or anything. I don't know. Maybe I _shouldn't_ care anymore. I don't want him back. Making a big deal out of the two of them does nothing to make me healthier, and runs the risk of giving them ammunition to turn DS against me (again, crazy b!tch mom vs. nice happy GF). I know the next step is to see them acting like a couple in front of me. That will be hard.
> 
> I just need to detach; sort of develop a split personality when I deal with him. I am really trying to grow and enjoy so many other parts of my life. Dealing directly with him is really my only major source of hurt and pain. The rest I can deal with. I've been through a lot like it before. His betrayal is the worst, most personal hurt I've ever experienced, but it's done. How I treat him now can't undo that. Only he can take steps to do that, and that's his choice and his alone. I wonder if I can harden myself only when I have to deal with him, and keep my heart open with everyone else.


Does he know you are starting to date? When he finds out you might be surprised by his reaction.

My husband's ex had been living with her affair partner for about a year when she found out that he and I started to date. She was very upset and made the comment that she was shocked that he had moved on so quickly after she moved out... a year after she moved out to live with her affair partner is quickly? :rofl:


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What EleGirl said and more! Exes hate it when other people want you after they're done. I think they sorta feel like they gave up, but when another girl plays "pimp my ex husband" and she sees the new man without all the bad habits she hated, she's floored. It's like seeing an dress you gave to Good Will styled out on a beautiful model.... You want it but you can't get your hands on it without a lot of work. 

I just hinted that I was seeing someone to get my wife to spill about her affair and stop asking me if I was dating, basically she was telling me stories about a friend of a friend.... yeah, that crap was getting annoying. She started talking about wanting to have my baby and all these regrets she had, but just to get me to want her and she wasn't serious.

I've had other exes harass me texting weird messages and awkward modeling photos for no reasons. I'm talking mutual breakup (glad to be rid of her but being nice about it) and no hard feelings on either side. Then as soon as I tell her "Hey, I'm married.... please stop calling me (psycho b!tch)", can't get her to stop. Watch it will happen with my ex wife too as soon as I post a pic on FB with someone prettier and take the "only friends can see this" filter off.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does he know you are starting to date? When he finds out you might be surprised by his reaction.
> 
> My husband's ex had been living with her affair partner for about a year when she found out that he and I started to date. She was very upset and made the comment that she was shocked that he had moved on so quickly after she moved out... a year after she moved out to live with her affair partner is quickly? :rofl:


I haven't specifically told him that I have actually been on a few dates. When he told me was going to 'start dating' (which I later found out just meant going public with what he'd already started earlier) I told him I was ready to move on, too. He was very patronizing and told me he was happy for me and hoped I found someone else. I really believe he thinks nobody would find me attractive in any way, and that he was way better than me. That was the dynamic we lived under. To be honest, I felt that it was true, too. 
If he feels anything when he finds out, it will be covered over with his standard response to anything good that happens to me: condescending 'happiness' for me, just cuz he wants to look like a good guy. Bah!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I haven't specifically told him that I have actually been on a few dates. When he told me was going to 'start dating' (which I later found out just meant going public with what he'd already started earlier) I told him I was ready to move on, too. He was very patronizing and told me he was happy for me and hoped I found someone else. I really believe he thinks nobody would find me attractive in any way, and that he was way better than me. That was the dynamic we lived under. To be honest, I felt that it was true, too.
> If he feels anything when he finds out, it will be covered over with his standard response to anything good that happens to me: condescending 'happiness' for me, just cuz he wants to look like a good guy. Bah!


Wow I can relate to you on this. The underlying superiority in my ex's words was very annoying for me to have to take, made me realize she just does not have any understanding at all of what she has put me through or of her own selfishness. makes it also hard to take because they make themselves appear so optimistic and happy in life, but you and I felt the sting of their hidden esteem issues so lets not forget what led them to breaking apart their families (underneath the facade they are NOT happy, or if they are its only because they are now relying on someone else for it, someone who has yet to feel the sting of their core issues).


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my ex found out I was getting married, his reaction was soooo lame. lol. He never wanted to marry me so what did he care after 8 years?! :rofl:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lon said:


> ... makes it also hard to take because they make themselves appear so optimistic and happy in life, but you and I felt the sting of their hidden esteem issues so lets not forget what led them to breaking apart their families (underneath the facade they are NOT happy, or if they are its only because they are now relying on someone else for it, someone who has yet to feel the sting of their core issues).


That is really true. I've wondered how OW is dealing with him and his constant need for reassurance and adoration, but then I realized he only comes to me (still!) when he has insecurities or fears. I don't think he even shares any of that with her. Yet. After the D is done, I will have nothing requiring me to 'be there' for him.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I haven't specifically told him that I have actually been on a few dates. When he told me was going to 'start dating' (which I later found out just meant going public with what he'd already started earlier) I told him I was ready to move on, too. He was very patronizing and told me he was happy for me and hoped I found someone else. I really believe he thinks nobody would find me attractive in any way, and that he was way better than me. That was the dynamic we lived under. To be honest, I felt that it was true, too.
> If he feels anything when he finds out, it will be covered over with his standard response to anything good that happens to me: condescending 'happiness' for me, just cuz he wants to look like a good guy. Bah!


ugh, what a d*ck! I hope the next time he sees you you have your f*ck me boots on and that they are wrapped round some hottie's waist 

although that probably shouldn't be at your front door


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> ugh, what a d*ck! I hope the next time he sees you you have your f*ck me boots on and that they are wrapped round some hottie's waist
> 
> although that probably shouldn't be at your front door


Awesome, Dolly! That gives me something to shoot for. I'm going to start saving up for those boots right now!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe it should be at the front door


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

well I was just thinking of the children! D would be mortified if I was dry humping a hottie at the front door heh heh


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl:

Send them away.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

DS doesn't know I'm dating either, since I only do it when he's with his dad. Hmmm...trying to set up devious plan wherein STBXH can see me with F-me-boot-covered legs wrapped around hottie when DS is not around...That may require some detailed logistics...
But I think I'm up for it!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> DS doesn't know I'm dating either, since I only do it when he's with his dad. Hmmm...trying to set up devious plan wherein STBXH can see me with F-me-boot-covered legs wrapped around hottie when DS is not around...That may require some detailed logistics...
> But I think I'm up for it!


If you need a volunteer I'll fly over.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Thanks, Bandit -- I know I can always count on you! XO


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Thanks, Bandit -- I know I can always count on you! XO


How about when he sees us I'm wearing boots, spurs, chaps and a cowboy hat, but nothing else? He'd be Yankified!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

My ex-husband does the same condescending thing..

When he sees that I am going out with friends and having fun he says things that, "Good for you...I am glad to see you are enjoying your <little, insignificant, simple> life" 

(I interested the implied phrase in < > )

He is always so superior.

What a poop!

...get yourself some hot boots and show him how you are living your life!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

just the ticket angel, although they are not really 'for outside' :rofl:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> How about when he sees us I'm wearing boots, spurs, chaps and a cowboy hat, but nothing else? He'd be Yankified!


I love it!! I can just picture the look on his face!


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> How about when he sees us I'm wearing boots, spurs, chaps and a cowboy hat, but nothing else? He'd be Yankified!


I think you should probably take pictures of that and, um, send them over here


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't even think my legs are long enough for those! :rofl:

HOT-NESS!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> just the ticket angel, although they are not really 'for outside' :rofl:


I have this urge to lick them. :awink:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd be pickin shoestrings out of my vagina.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'd be pickin shoestrings out of my vagina.


hahahaha.

This made me laugh out loud.

too funny!

hahahahaha


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I don't even think my legs are long enough for those! :rofl:
> 
> HOT-NESS!


yah well mine are zip up rather than lace up 

funny thing - a guy from the other side of the world has seen me in them but the ex never did :rofl:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I'd be pickin shoestrings out of my vagina.


:rofl:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> yah well mine are zip up rather than lace up
> 
> funny thing - a guy from the other side of the world has seen me in them but the ex never did :rofl:


Feel free to PM me that pic.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I really believe he thinks nobody would find me attractive in any way, and that he was way better than me.


he is *obviously* delusional.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> just the ticket angel, although they are not really 'for outside' :rofl:


I would say the heels look a little high to walk in, but I don't think I'd be doing much of that in boots like those. Just sayin'


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Feel free to PM me that pic.


ah sorry dude, I'm a one-man woman even on the internet

although if the picture of you in the chaps, spurs and cowboy hat ever made it there could be a trade off


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I should go...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> After the D is done, I will have nothing requiring me to 'be there' for him.


wait a gawl damned minute angel!
why are you 'required' to be there for him now?
you need to get that out of your friggin head now.
the only thing you should be going is dealing with him regarding DS.
*AND THATS IT!!!*
dont let him come to you for comfort regarding ANYTHING.
stop the fvcking chit chat bullsh!t!

:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I haven't specifically told him that I have actually been on a few dates. When he told me was going to 'start dating' (which I later found out just meant going public with what he'd already started earlier) I told him I was ready to move on, too. He was very patronizing and told me he was happy for me and hoped I found someone else. I really believe he thinks nobody would find me attractive in any way, and that he was way better than me. That was the dynamic we lived under. To be honest, I felt that it was true, too.
> If he feels anything when he finds out, it will be covered over with his standard response to anything good that happens to me: condescending 'happiness' for me, just cuz he wants to look like a good guy. Bah!


Angel you are very attractive yr x just can't stand that you could possibly be moving on and be happy without him imo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'd be pickin shoestrings out of my vagina.


I hate when that happens.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> wait a gawl damned minute angel!
> why are you 'required' to be there for him now?
> you need to get that out of your friggin head now.
> the only thing you should be going is dealing with him regarding DS.
> ...


:iagree: with 2nd although he's gonna get a headache if he carries on


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have picked shoelaces out of your vagina, Lon?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> :iagree: with 2nd although he's gonna get a headache if he carries on


He's not hurtin' anything  :rofl:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You have picked shoelaces out of your vagina, Lon?


I wish!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I know, 2nd. I am very different from the way I used to be, don't worry. He has just been going through yet another crisis with school, and I offered nothing in the way of help like I would have in the past. And, I'm proud to say, it didn't even cross my mind really. He is totally trying to make me feel guilty about his money situation now and after the D. I keep telling him that our situations are absolutely the same -- same money now, same money after we sell the house, same expenses -- yet somehow he wants sympathy from me. I reminded him that if we were combining our resources in one household like we used to, we'd not only be out of debt by now, we'd have money in savings. This was his choice, and choices have consequences. We are finally able to split most of our funds and expenses. I am thrilled. We spend very differently, and I will LOVE not seeing his expensive haircuts, restaurant charges and high grocery bills from Costco and our organic store, while I shop at goodwill, get my haircut at the cheap chain places (with a coupon!) and use coupons at Safeway.

I talk to him to keep things cordial until the house is sold and the divorce is final.

Yesterday he pretended to care about whether or not I was signed up for school this fall, and was asking questions about the program. My therapist has really taken an interest in me going back to school, and STBXH said it was great that I had her. I wanted to yell "Yes, except I have to PAY her - she's a healthcare provider! Where is my turn to have your support after all I did while you were in school for years and NOT WORKING." I was pissed at his phony support and caring. It's going to be much harder for me, a single parent, who doesn't have the same nights off each week to take night classes (like he had), working full time, with limited money, not to mention being older than he is. Another reason why I was so pissed last night and glad I had my angry music and hammer and blades, LOL. 

And he knew the music was aimed at him. After about 3 songs (with me heartily singing along -- I never had the confidence to sing in front of him when we were together), he walked over to the laptop and shut it off without saying a word to me. Ha. Score one for angelpixie. :smthumbup:


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Love the new avi, t_g! I have a collection of those that crack me up.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> :iagree: with 2nd although he's gonna get a headache if he carries on


too late after reading her last post.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's not hurtin' anything  :rofl:


:/


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

idk angel.
i still think you just need not engage with him.
i know on some level that bothers you and that makes me


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> We spend very differently, and I will LOVE not seeing his expensive haircuts, restaurant charges and high grocery bills from Costco and our organic store


this is the real kicker for me
first month he was gone - £800 left over at the end of the month
second month - £600 (but I had bought some new shoes)

I don't know what that is in your funny money (ha ha) but it's a lot

of course, I have to hand most of it over to lawyers at the moment but not forever :smthumbup:


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I agree with 2nd Time...

Don't engage. He shouldn't even know that you are thinking of going to school.

I remember that at one of our last co-parenting counseling sessions, my ex complained because he felt like I only viewed him as a bank anymore. The counselor said, "Well, of course that is how she feels about you. That IS all you are to her anymore".

Don't get wrapped up in his financial woes. 

When my ex started complaining to me about his finances, I just shut him down and said, "Look, I just need $_____ from you each month. I need that to raise our son and survive. This was not my choice. So, I don't want to hear about your problems. I just need to know I can count on the money each month".

End of story. I haven't heard any more complaints for him--mostly because I don't let him complain to me. I just shut him down when he starts. After that, he just stopped complaining to me about it.

Don't engage him, Angel. Really. Just shut him down. 


p.s....I am with you. I am very much a saver and a cheapskate...especially compared to my ex. He doesn't really know how to bargain shop for anything. 

It is nice to be free of his expensive electronics purchases and impulse buys.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

@ jpr: Even tho my STBXH never got a full teaching gig, he did a stint as a TA and has hopes of being an adjunct someday (if he can ever get his sh!t together -- he really is quite brilliant). Still, I think you and I have enough in common that we should start an 'Academics' First Wives Club.' I remember reading somewhere that narcissistic personality traits are very common in academia, so we'd probably have no problem growing the club into a worldwide organization, don't you think?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

jpr said:


> It is nice to be free of his expensive electronics purchases and impulse buys.


amen sister

off to buy a new DVD player that should cost no more than £100? what does he come home with? £600 worth of amp (oh, and a dvd player too) 

but apparently I nagged him about money - yeah wonder why dufus! :rofl:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Don't belittle a man for having good taste in electronics, after all you KNOW its his stereo system you fell in love with in the first place (or atleast the way he uses it - just ask the Heff, he would know what I'm talking about).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yeah, well, Hef needs all the help he can get.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> Don't belittle a man for having good taste in electronics, after all you KNOW its his stereo system you fell in love with in the first place (or atleast the way he uses it - just ask the Heff, he would know what I'm talking about).


actually he has left it here and it is a really nice bit of kit so every cloud and all that.... :smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> actually he has left it here and it is a really nice bit of kit so every cloud and all that.... :smthumbup:


do you know how to use it?

 haha just teasing, I'm sure you could teach me a few things  (about the hifi system that is, like how to use a record player - I have never owned a record in my life)


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> do you know how to use it?
> 
> haha just teasing, I'm sure you could teach me a few things  (about the hifi system that is, like how to use a record player - I have never owned a record in my life)


cheeky b*stard (haven't got a clue, I know how to turn it on)

and the turntables and records are GONE thank the lord but there's nothing like the sound of vinyl my dear - you've missed out there with your new fangled 'cds' and this 'itunes' business


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I personally like the sound of a well-broken-in cassette tape.

and Angel, so sorry for hijacking this thread so badly. Maybe Dolly and I should keep our flirting to PM


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Absolutely no problem! Happy flirting is better than what the thread started out being about! Carry on...


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

only a Canadian could think that talking about hi-fi is flirting!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I hereby proclaim that henceforth, any time I am talking to any woman not related by blood or marriage and not in a committed relationship, it shall thusly be considered as flirting. Hear ye hear ye.

Now my dear Dolly would you rather talk about maple syrup and bacon and all the things you can put them on?

I also extend the invitation to discuss the finer points of said topics with Angelpixie as well since it is her thread after all.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I think that's for the Sex board love


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dollystanford said:


> I think that's for the Sex board love


what's a sex board, is it the board you tie your partners up to during the act?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Nope, we can't talk about it on the Sex Board, because that's entitled Sex in Marriage. It will have to be here, unless the admins set up a Sex Outside of Marriage section. Well, no, I guess that could also be for affairs. So, maybe Consensual Sex Between Unmarried Partners. Kinda long... How about Sexy Fun Time? I like that. And the title works, too.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

awesome, I'm on board!

the sexy fun time board...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

How about "The Social Spot"???

Hey!!! They already set it up!!!


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