# Any men who have found someone better?



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Are there any men reading this who used to be in an impossible relationship but eventually moved on and found someone better? I would love to hear your story.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is what I can tell you Mike.

I didn't find 'someone' better. I found a whole lot of 'somethings' better.

I rediscovered things that were important to me. I dated and met a number of wonderful women. Different experiences, all of the 'good' that happened in those relationships were clear illustrations of how off-track my marriage had gotten.

I'm not currently dating, and have no desire to, and I'm not worried about what my life looks like with, or without a woman in it.

Don't make decisions based on fear. Fear of your spouse. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, but this was before marriage =/

To be honest my ex was more of a 'stepping stone' to reach my wife at that time... poor thing really, I hope she's doing well where ever she is. Funny thing is I wasn't really looking, she just found me.

My relationship with my now wife started off as a friendship, and then an emotional affair... which somehow worked out =/


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mike,

Deejo is on it.

If it blows apart - or has blown apart - you will discover someone "better". You.

All the stuff you really liked to do but haven't been doing?

You are able to pursue it to your heart's content.

More energy at work.

More zest for your kids.

Vibrant and alive, rather than beaten up and anxious.

There truly is nothing to fear.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Conrad thanks for that great perspective... though for me I'm still worried that nobody has affirmed yet that they've met someone of the opposite sex whom they enjoy life with more. Life after divorce sounds satisfying but lonely


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I'm not a guy but I am divorced and remarried. It sounds corny, but the reality is that having a relationship is less important when you live a full live. And when you life a full live, that's when you will be open to the type of relationship you will want.

But if your whole life centers around finding a relationship, that means you are looking for that relationship to meet all of your needs. But it doesn't work that way. Relationships are the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. Start baking!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Laurae1967 said:


> I'm not a guy but I am divorced and remarried. It sounds corny, but the reality is that having a relationship is less important when you live a full live. And when you life a full live, that's when you will be open to the type of relationship you will want.
> 
> But if your whole life centers around finding a relationship, that means you are looking for that relationship to meet all of your needs. But it doesn't work that way. Relationships are the icing on the cake, not the whole cake. Start baking!


This.

One of the primary issues in many dysfunctional marriages is exactly that we have relinquished the responsibility for meeting our needs, and creating happiness to someone else ... and that is patently, a bad idea.

Once you recognize this, your threshold for tolerating a person or circumstances that diminishes who you are rather than complimenting it ... the clearer you can convey that fact, and if necessary, say goodbye.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Good answers so far...understand that you are responsible for you....but I think Mikes is a good question, and I am interested in the answer as well. I have been married 30 years, am finally at a place where I can move on, (kids raised and gone, business ready to be sold), tired of doing with "cheaper than rent sex", b ad attitudes, never happy from my spouse. I look forward to singleness, dont fear the alone times at all. BUT I am interested in peoples stories if they were able to find someone new that worked out well. Because, I gotta tell you, I am pretty convienced that if I were ever to get remarried (someone hand me a gun...QUICKLEY) would not be long before I would be back to where I am currently.......not ever going down that road again. I have been observant (100% faithful) and I see a few women time and again that I believe would be fun to date, and I wonder how that has worked for others...maybe just some encouragement....thanks in advance.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mike

Everyones telling u not to worry about it. Be the best man u can be and the strongest in mind body and spirit and then u won't worry about it. 

But. As an example. During my separation I had no shortage of coffee date, with beautiful women. The funny thing is, I wasn't looking for sex or a relationship then. Just some social talking. I remember at that time it seemed because I was comfortable with myself and wasn't really pursuing ANY of them, its like they amped up THEIR pursuit. Strange how that works. Lol. 

Be your best and you won't have any issues with any of this. By not clinging out of fear or desperation you can then have the state of mind to CHOOSE who makes you the happiest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I find someone better every day but none of them will talk to me. LOL


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Take off the speedos, then. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I was engaged when I was 23, but it didn't work out. Thought I'd never find anyone after that. A few months later, when I wasn't even looking, I meet my wonderful wife.

Still happily married, 13 yrs. later.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

One thing that seems to be a consistent theme is how vulnerable we are when in a bad marriage on the brink of divorce, or separated or recently divorced. I've enocountered many stories (including my own) where we were so desperate for what we didn't have, we fell head over heels for the first person that came along and paid attention to us. Be cautious of that. Fortunately for me, the first OW had already been through her rebound and just used me and then blew me off. Ripped my heart up but I'm SO glad it ended up that way. It would not have worked out well in the long run.

And I'm much wiser to it now and will be more cautious in the future.

Good luck.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I was reading this and realized that I often read in other threads that women should be afraid that they will not find a good man after they reach their early to mid 30's if they divorce.

Strange, because all the advice in this thread is that finding yourself and enjoying yourself is its own reward...

I wonder then, why is it alright to make women feel insecure about not being able to find a match?

I get that men might not want to admit this but the truth is, it's hard for both genders to recover from a long marriage and find a great guy/girl that is better than. I think men often are unwilling to admit how deeply important a connection beyond the physical is to them.

To the OP, it's absolutely possible but first you have to invest in yourself and your interests and then move on to find someone who has done the same and has similar interests or is complimentary to you. I think if you move on but don't work on yourself first, you are more likely to find someone who is similar or worse than.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I was reading this and realized that I often read in other threads that women should be afraid that they will not find a good man after they reach their early to mid 30's if they divorce.


Where did you read that?

OP, you WILL meet someone and life will be good. You're still licking your wounds. It takes time to heal.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Just had this conversation last night.
A good friend tells me his wife was cheating for a couple years. The guy's a police officer, and was devastated by the news. It took him a year, and during that time, he described "almost pulling the trigger"...If you know what I mean.
He lost his home, and sees his children on weekends.

Anyway, another year later, he met a beautiful woman. She loves him dearly, treats him with respect, and he adores her.
She owns a beautiful home, and they now live together.
His kids see him regularly, and he's as happy as a pig in mud.

I guess he was trying to tell me something


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

To be honest, for me, even in a great marriage - you could always find someone that does it better. 

Even if your marriage is great, or if it has problems or is downright bad, there are good and bad qualities in that person we love that may or may not exist in someone else.

Using my two marriages as an example.

My ex-husband liked to listen to me and never tired of hearing me talk.

My current husband can only take so much and then gets agitated.

My ex-husband was very family oriented - liked to spend time with kids, etc.

My current husband is less family oriented.

My ex-husband sucked in bed.

My current husband is great in bed.

My ex-husband couldn't even hammer a nail in the wall straight.

My current husband is a Mr. Fix-It and there's nothing he can't do or figure out how to do.

Maybe the word should be different versus better. Different, when it meets our expectations or needs is always better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I wonder then, why is it alright to make women feel insecure about not being able to find a match?


That’s your response to what’s been said.

My response is that I just think people who say those things are daft and have one heck of a lot to learn about people and life!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

For the people that are Hopeless Romantics, I think it is harder on them to live a single life. Something deep within them cries out to be with another, they want to share all their hopes, their dreams, they love to give (but also to receive), to have someone to hold onto at night & wake up to in the mornings.

I don't feel this makes someone weak. We all want what we want in life. We all know the desires of our hearts, don't we- if we are honest with ourselves. When I could not conceive, I was the most unsettled woman on the face of the planet, my whole being cried out for more children. Had I not went out of my way to pursue my dream of being a mother, test after test after test -even getting a laparoscopy (surgery) to see why I couldn't conceive after my 1st child, I may not have my last 5. I would probably still be unsettled today. (just my own little analogy). Nothing wrong with pursuing what you want, if that is looking for another woman - if/when you decide it is "done" in your marraige. 


But so true, NEVER jump too quickly, too many rebound love affairs that could rip your heart out. Make sure the next time around -DATE MANY , take your sweet time !! Don't ever settle for less than you dream of, what you know you need to be fullfilled. But of coarse, use reason here, you are no young spring chicken anymore (as my Grandmother use to term the young). 

Do not let FEAR of not finding someone stop you -LIfe is truly a RISK in everything we choose to set our heart and our feet too. Isn't it !? Love is the biggest risk of all. If it has been lost or gone at home for years of striving, desperation & pain, it is surely a risk worth taking on someone else, isn't it? 

Never let go of your dreams. We only get one life -that we can "prove" anyway. 

It often appears when we have "given up" or at the times we least expect an answer, it comes too. When I could not conceive after 6 long dragging years, I was scheduled for invitro (would have cost alot of $$), I was supposed to call the Gyno when I got my monthy, it never came ! I was gloriously pregnant ! Talk about the last minute. And all fell ionto place but had I not pursued relentlessly what I wanted, where would I be today . 

Continue the faith. MIke, you will know when enough is enough, I know you recently bought Athol's book for one last shot at this , to revive your wife . If the single life is looking more & more inviting, you have had enough of the rejection and pain, chances are this is where you will find your freedom and NEW wings to soar.

I wish you all the best.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> That’s your response to what’s been said.
> 
> My response is that I just think people who say those things are daft and have one heck of a lot to learn about people and life!


Thank you because I love your response and mine is similar but what I worry about is that other women will read it and take it to heart and feel badly or as if it is true. That's all. I think men need to speak up and say it's not so that women can feel confident going forward after divorce as well.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> For the people that are Hopeless Romantics, I think it is harder on them to live a single life. Something deep within them cries out to be with another, they want to share all their hopes, their dreams, they love to give (but also to receive), to have someone to hold onto at night & wake up to in the mornings.
> 
> I don't feel this makes someone weak. We all want what we want in life. We all know the desires of our hearts, don't we- if we are honest with ourselves. When I could not conceive, I was the most unsettled woman on the face of the planet, my whole being cried out for more children. Had I not went out of my way to pursue my dream of being a mother, test after test after test -even getting a laparoscopy (surgery) to see why I couldn't conceive after my 1st child, I may not have my last 5. I would probably still be unsettled today. (just my own little analogy). Nothing wrong with pursuing what you want, if that is looking for another woman - if/when you decide it is "done" in your marraige.
> 
> ...


Beautiful post, take it to heart.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> That’s your response to what’s been said.
> 
> My response is that I just think people who say those things are daft and have one heck of a lot to learn about people and life!


HAHA Someone just pm'd me and pointed out to me that you were actually calling me daft here. Point proven? 

I thought you were saying those who said that about women were daft and had a heck of a lot to learn about life and people, was I wrong?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

The most beautiful women I have ever met have all been over 35 and up. I don't think any of them would have a hard time finding someone in thier lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemyboys (Jun 14, 2011)

To the original poster, if you could write down every way in which your relationship with your significant could be ideal, then do it. Write it all down. How you would want her to act, talk, look like, laugh like. What kind of morals and values you'd want her to have. I mean everything! If she meets the majority of the qualities you're looking for then stay. Work it out. Talk about it. It's worth saving. If you find she is just so vastly different then what you want in a partner, then talk it out, try and work it out, it might still be worth saving. Nobody will completely make you happy. Even the ones that say they are totally in love still have some things about their spouse they may not like. Does your partner cheat on you? Lie to you? Treat you with contempt? Even if she did, maybe there's a reason why. Maybe she's not happy too. Did you ever hear the Jimmy Buffet song "pina colada'? That song is what it's all about. You think your wife is not a perfect fit until you realize she is. The grass is never greener on the other side unless you realize why your grass isn't as green. Maybe you just need some fertilizer...or pina coladas  Good Luck!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Trenton said:


> HAHA Someone just pm'd me and pointed out to me that you were actually calling me daft here. Point proven?
> 
> I thought you were saying those who said that about women were daft and had a heck of a lot to learn about life and people, was I wrong?


Ha! I wasn't saying you were daft, you've someone stirring the pot!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Trenton said:


> Thank you because I love your response and mine is similar but what I worry about is that other women will read it and take it to heart and feel badly or as if it is true. That's all. I think men need to speak up and say it's not so that women can feel confident going forward after divorce as well.


i hope someone wouldn't be so influenced by forum chat as to think their life is over after divorce, people of any age can and usually do find someone and are often much happier. ive seen both my siblings (bro and sis) have it happen as well as my best friend. Absurd to think a woman of any age cant have someone attracted to them.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i hope someone wouldn't be so influenced by forum chat as to think their life is over after divorce, people of any age can and usually do find someone and are often much happier. ive seen both my siblings (bro and sis) have it happen as well as my best friend. Absurd to think a woman of any age cant have someone attracted to them.


I totally agree. I know women in their mid 50's who found love. True love.
The way it gets talked about 'round these parts is that we should start sewing our habits and get ready to ship off next year.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Ha! I wasn't saying you were daft, you've someone stirring the pot!


*smooches*


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I totally agree. I know women in their mid 50's who found love. True love.
> The way it gets talked about 'round these parts is that we should start sewing our habits and get ready to ship off next year.


That was precisely my point and it's unfair and if most men in the forums don't believe it speaking up on behalf of women is considered very endearing and attractive.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Michelle Bachman ... 55 ... Hail to the chief, baby.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Well, she has a cool name!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> Are there any men reading this who used to be in an impossible relationship but eventually moved on and found someone better? I would love to hear your story.


My relationship became “impossible”, at the end of 42 years!

But I think there’s far more to all this than just finding a new partner. I’m pretty convinced that when we first start out we look for, are naturally drawn towards our “opposite”. And this happens so the combination of the two people make the “whole” needed to give birth to and raise a family. You know, someone has to earn the money while the other stays at home to care for the children.

But without that “family unit” as the driving factor, I think we must ask ourselves the question “Do I really need another person to make me whole?”.

Plus are we looking for somebody to love as well as somebody to love us? I guess the answer to this one must be a yes.

But I wonder how many of us really know how to love and nurture ourselves? How many of us have Googled “How do I love myself?”. And actually acted on the advice given.

So for me I definitely don’t feel I need another to make me whole, like I did when I started out. And I’m learning to love and nurture myself with the thought that another’s love for me will be a bonus but not a necessity.

Does that make any sense?


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My wife told me yesterday (for the third or fourth time in the last year) that she wants a divorce. She is saying that she wants is as quick and fast as possible so it will be less unpleasant. She says she doesn't have any personal space. I don't understand that. She has a work e-mail, a new personal e-mail, a FaceBook account and her iPhone - all with her own passwords that I have no access to. She has even added KIK Messenger that doesn't even show up on the phone bill. I know this because I came in one day and she was on it and when I walked up behind her she hid her phone and then quickly jumped up and deleted all the messages on it. 

She comes and goes as she pleases and I never know where she is. I don't know how I am supposed to give her any more space. She quit counseling last month. All I ask of her is to just show me some love and affection and treat me with a little bit of respect. She says she can't do that.

And in case anyone remembers my story from last year, her boss got fired. He was the idiot that told me that I need to back off, he doesn't believe in boundaries, what do I care what my wife does as long as she comes home at night and several other jewels of wisdom. He got fired for using business expenses on his own personal stuff and a bunch of other things. My wife and her two co-workers was feeding the corporate office dirt on him to get him fired.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Doesn't have personal space is translated into she wants to be single. Let her go.

My husband has a male friend who was married to a woman who jumped off into the crazy pool. She became some kind of ***** and none of us knows what happened to her. She moved out last year and their divorce will be final next month. He's dating again. Super guy. Any woman would be lucky to have him and I'm glad he seems to know that.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm at the point of trying to get my ducks in a row to part from an astoundingly bad choice for a wife. We've been together (for lack of a better word) for three decades.

My problem (sure, of many) is that I fear my "picker" is flawed based on what I chose as a wife. And I do NOT want a repeat or variation on theme of what I've had to this point. Nor do I want to turn into a monk.

I don't look for someone to be my everything going forward. However, the prospect of nothing more than a few coffee dates here and there holds no appeal either.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cloud-Townsend have a website and they are asked ?s and whatnot by people and they have little ideos and they said to the people who are divorced, "you are a poor picker..." sort of like what you said, Michzz. LOL. It must be true, I guess. I am divorced now and I'm not sure I'd ever consider remarrying. Maybe it's not for me. 

But then on the flipside, I do see some married couples who should not be together at all. They hate eachohter, never have sex, are mean to eachother. Yet they stay. It's hard to find someone you gel well with.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Trenton said:


> That was precisely my point and it's unfair and if most men in the forums don't believe it speaking up on behalf of women is considered very endearing and attractive.


am i now being stalked?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> am i now being stalked?


I don't know, are you?


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

If my wife is dead set on leaving me at what point do I tell her to open her own checking account and quit paying her bills?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Mike188 said:


> If my wife is dead set on leaving me at what point do I tell her to open her own checking account and quit paying her bills?


I’m beginning to understand why you asked your original question. Your wife wants out and you’re wondering if you can have a better marriage next time round.

First off there aren't many more ways that a man’s ego can be eroded other than having a wife that doesn’t want to be with him. In fact that can be quite soul destroying. But at the moment you wont be truly aware of that. That true awareness comes some time during separation and divorce and you think wtf was I doing staying with her for so very long. That is something you’ve yet to experience.

So for me it’s not a case of can another woman be better for me or can another woman make me happy, it is very much more a case of finding myself and enjoying my own company. I see this period as a transitionary period, like a phase I’m going through and so far it’s lasted 18 months. I don’t really know when it’s going to end, but I do know ending my marriage is one of the very best decisions I’ve ever made. I also think starting my marriage was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made, it’s a funny old life sometimes.

If it’s really come to the end for your marriage then behave in ways that maintain your dignity, self-respect and self-esteem. If I was supporting someone financially who didn’t want to be with me then I would feel well used and abused and I’d probably turn my financial support off. But if I felt doing so would negatively impact my dignity, self-esteem etc. then I wouldn’t do it.

If you are really in love with your wife then I’d suggest doing a 180, take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html. In essence this is a withdrawal of all support for your wife as much as possible. But tell her you want to make it work and if she wants to get into a reconciliation or marriage enrichment program with you you will be more than willing to do that when she lets you know. If you don’t really love your wife then move straight towards separation and divorce, but do both with dignity.

Bob


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Thanks for the replies. I'm not sure where her head is it. Regardless of what she really wants to do, her head is all screwed up and she is a basket case from the stress at her work and whatever else.

She had been talking to another agent in another state a lot and towards the end of their conversations she told me that he said to her, "What you need is a spiritual leader. You're lost". She told him that I would never try to be that. I told her I completely disagree. Even the marriage counselor says that I have tried very hard to be that for her but that she refuses to listen to anyone. 

Anyway, she suggested that I talk to this guy because he supposedly has the perfect marriage and is writing a marriage book. After she told me she wants to leave I was desperate and decided to call him. Not what I expected. He basically agreed with me on everything and had been telling my wife that all along, or so he says. Her "party pics" from her annual meeting in DC that I didn't like, he saw them on FB and told her she needs to get rid of them because they don't look good for her and would obviously make any husband wonder. She never told me that.

He said that he told her that she needs to get out of the main office and open her own office to get away from the bad influences. I have been telling her the same thing all along. He told me that the insurance company they work for is the worst he has ever seen in terms of what kinds of sexual BS is tolerated. He says that he has been blown away at how people act in that company. Those are my observations too.

He also told me that she has some bad influences in her life. I have always thought this and have told my wife this. He mentioned on agent by name, a woman that my wife hangs out with at meetings and talks to about two hours a day for the past year. He said this agent is going through a divorce because she has had an affair with another agent from New Orleans and she doesn't have a good reputation. I have asked my wife point blank more than once if the woman had an affair and if infidelity is the reason for her marriage troubles. I have even asked if she had an affair with this agent from New Orleans, I could feel that she had. She always says no. Now I find out that she did. My wife denies knowing anything about it. How can she not know if she talks to this woman every day on the phone. How this guy know, and not really know her or the agent from New Orleans, yet my wife not know. I don't believe her.

This agent also was completely puzzlued by my wife wanting a divorce right now because he said that she isn't doing good in her new job and may get terminated, or at least she will be looking at about a 50% reduction in pay next year. I asked her how she was going to support herself.

Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to shed some light on the craziness that I go through.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think better for you Mike and only if you work on your part in the failure of the relationship. I don't think that it is always 50/50 or that there is fault in the sense of what you did not do for the other person. It could be things you fail to do for yourself that got you into an incompatible relationship. If you don't fix it, then the dynamic will repeat. Statistically, more 2nd marriages fail than first but you don't have to be on the wrong end of that stat. It can work if you select carefully and be what you need to be to make the relationship thrive. 

If you have done everything you can to make your current relationship work and are ready to move on don't let fear stop you. It seems To be important not to leave too soon because it may be salvageable and you also acquire skills that make you better for the next relationship. I think you can safely Get out, work on you and not commit to the first person who comes along. Deejo spot on but don't stop like he did. 

D if you don't mind my asking, why did you stop dating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Mike, your circumstances now ... if anything only seem to have deteriorated from where they were 2 years ago. The level of crazy may have diminished, but there has been no upside in terms of connecting with your wife.

Time to be done.

Catherine, to answer your question simply and honestly, regarding why I'm no longer dating? I was in a six month relationship.

It was time to be done. We got along great, but it had gone about as far as it was going to. 

Wasn't about to make a larger contribution of time and effort. No desire to. That's why I'm not looking to date at all at the moment. My time and effort is focused elsewhere.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Mike, to answer your original question, yes, I have found a marriage that is leaps and bounds better than the one I was in. My ex-wife was having an affair with another woman. Your wife is having an affair also, and has an "affair buddy" to talk it over with, unless that is the person with whom she is having an affair. 

Anyway, should you decide to end it, you will find that after many years off the market, many things have changed in the modern dating world. If you go to date women around your own age, you will find most of them are not as hung up about sex as they used to be. You will also find that there are many many women who will respond to a happy, stable, well-off man in very positive ways. The world is your oyster, so you shouldn't put up with any less from your current or any future spouse.

I started dating before I was ready to start having sex, and boy did that drive them nuts. After a few weeks of that I finally gave in, and had the best sex of my life. I had offers from several women. It was like being a hot teen girl.

It so happened that I met an awesome, smart woman during this time who understands what she wants and how to get it. She mentioned that she used to date the bad boys, and I being a typical beta schlub had accidentally come off as one of those on our first meeting because it was at a second party, where I was already a little tipsy, and I was riding my motorcycle. 

So, I did some research about bad boys and found game. It was a revelation that it's ok to be a bad boy, because that's what women really want, and being a "nice guy" was really sabotaging my efforts. I'm not really all that nice anyway; I just had to release the beast and let go of failed strategies. 

Previously, I had thought that I just wasn't being accommodating enough, and that was why it didn't all work out. I thought I had to hide all that carnal desire and that independent streak to get a woman. I thought it was just the price we had to pay to get sex, as costly as it was to my soul. But every step I took to being a real man was actually encouraged by my new woman, and we are now happily married.

She encourages the manly aspects, but she also is smart and aware of relationships enough to know when it's time for her to set boundaries. I know how to set my boundaries too, and to ask for what I want. So the main thing is we talk about how we really feel without the fear that either will punish the other for it. 

In my prior marriage this was not the case. It was always about fear and she was always right. She apologized exactly once in 21 years, after it was all over. She was very narcissistic, and always wondered why everyone couldn't live in her world, it would make the world so much better a place.

Coming out the other side, after years, has been a very pleasant experience. I'm sure the stress in the meantime of divorce, child support, not seeing my kids as much, many months fixing and selling two different houses (mine and my new wife's), getting remarried, buying a new house, all that has taken years off my life no doubt, but it will be a better life, also no doubt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AFEH said:


> That true awareness comes some time during separation and divorce and you think wtf was I doing staying with her for so very long. That is something you’ve yet to experience.
> 
> If it’s really come to the end for your marriage then behave in ways that maintain your dignity, self-respect and self-esteem. If I was supporting someone financially who didn’t want to be with me then I would feel well used and abused and I’d probably turn my financial support off.
> Bob


This! 

And this!



Deejo said:


> Mike, your circumstances now ... if anything only seem to have deteriorated from where they were 2 years ago. The level of crazy may have diminished, but there has been no upside in terms of connecting with your wife.
> 
> Time to be done.


:iagree:

Two years is a long time to be holding onto dead weight.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

--- short hyjack comming through, dont usually get to comment on Deejo personal life don't want to pass it up ---
Your being mysterious, I wonder if you are hiding out. I read you story and it is very possible. 

You seem to be a balanced, approachable person capable of deep love and commitment. You really put yourself out there in your relationship, a sign of a person with a strong sense of himself. It ashamed, no selfish, that your don't share yourself with a special women. Besides denying yourself, You are essentially denying someone deserving women who needs some just like you. 

Get off your buttinsky and date 10 to 15 women so you fix your picker and report back in 3 months. You're not entering the priesthood are you? DONT DO IT!!! :}}

--- End ---
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, how many peppers did Peter Piper pick?*

Say that three times fast to all your dates. I guarantee that they'll be yours.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I got spittle on my chin Thanks alot :•(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, but this was before marriage =/
> 
> To be honest my ex was more of a 'stepping stone' to reach my wife at that time... poor thing really, I hope she's doing well where ever she is. Funny thing is I wasn't really looking, she just found me.
> 
> My relationship with my now wife started off as a friendship, and then an emotional affair... which somehow worked out =/


I have read your posts, where you say that you only loved your first wife out of pity, you never respected her. She wasn't strong enough for you...too needy and clingy right? "The only way I could help her was...*snip.*" 

Educate me. I want to know how being pitied, deceived and left for someone else strengthens or helps a woman. If anything, it would just cause her to be bitter and mistrustful, not to mention even more vulnerable. 

Why pretend you care how your ex is? You clearly did not care about her when you were married, so why would you give a shxt after you married your OW? 

Callous and selfish behaviour sickens me...my stomach is so queasy, so I will stop typing.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I say, why stay together if you're making each other miserable. Go make two other people happy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> I have read your posts, where you say that you only loved your first wife out of pity, you never respected her. She wasn't strong enough for you...too needy and clingy right? "The only way I could help her was...*snip.*"
> 
> Educate me. I want to know how being pitied, deceived and left for someone else strengthens or helps a woman. If anything, it would just cause her to be bitter and mistrustful, not to mention even more vulnerable.
> 
> ...


Erm first wife? No, she was one of my ex girlfriends (who the missus stole me from! Evil woman!). My first wife is my missus, who I love so much I posted a silly little thread in the private section about which has yet to get a reply! 

Ok, serious note, my ex girlfriend, yes she was needy. Being pitied, decieved, didn't help her OR strengthen her at all. I was with her because I did care for her, just not the right way. I feared for her, as she threatened to kill herself if I ever left. I was under emotional blackmail, that's why it carried on as long as it did.

Selfish? I don't know, past is past, but I should have broke off with her sooner. It was a difficult situation, I wanted to help her, but I couldn't. I was young, naive, and stupid (still am). But I learnt. This is life, everyone makes stupid mistakes.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Catherine602 said:


> --- short hyjack comming through, dont usually get to comment on Deejo personal life don't want to pass it up ---
> Your being mysterious, I wonder if you are hiding out. I read you story and it is very possible.
> 
> You seem to be a balanced, approachable person capable of deep love and commitment. You really put yourself out there in your relationship, a sign of a person with a strong sense of himself. It ashamed, no selfish, that your don't share yourself with a special women. Besides denying yourself, You are essentially denying someone deserving women who needs some just like you.
> ...


Just taking a break, Catherine, I assure you. I have every intention of introducing my 'picker' to someone special  And then I'm going to pick like nobody's business ...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Just taking a break, Catherine, I assure you. I have every intention of introducing my 'picker' to someone special  And then I'm going to pick like nobody's business ...


I'm not quite as special as you, but I'm in the same boat.

Just not really interested in it right now.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You too Conrad!! What the bloody hell's going on here? I know you are still married Conrad so I imagine you are deciding what you want to do. 

But I don't understand taking a break from dating if you are looking for a connection. Not that there is an emergency but, to find the right person you have to wade through a number of candidates. 

Stopping to think about it is a waste of time because you have nothing to go on. You need incoming data or your picker gets rusty and you have oil it up and start all over again. You don't want to be like the Tin man and get stuck in one place you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I was thinking the same type of thoughts as Catherine worded there so nicely to Deejo, like darn, what a waste of a great guy ~ It just shouldn't be! 

Good to see his last reply, my faith is restored now . I just can't bare to see the good men & women close their doors & not put themselves out there, it disturbs me for some reason. 

I am such a "matchmaker" in my real life, if you knew me, you would have to throw me to the curb ! ALWAYS & forever trying to fix up my single friends. I have come close to succeeding a handful of times , none made it to the alter though. Almost. 

My poor children. I am tempted to get them together with matches as well. 

You are special too Conrad


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^ Hell when it comes to my daughter I'm going to be like Robert Di Niro in "meet the parents" with ANY GUY she brings home.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine,

What's going on is we're deciding that there's really no realistic hope of putting it back together.

Of course, my heart is broken. But, I can see why it's better this way.

The whole making eye contact and putting a move on is - right now - not even something I want to consider.

I did have a big realization - similar to Deej's. I no longer view women the way I did. I'm not sure where that takes me. It's probably to a better place in the long run.

But, right now? What's the point?



Catherine602 said:


> You too Conrad!! What the bloody hell's going on here? I know you are still married Conrad so I imagine you are deciding what you want to do.
> 
> But I don't understand taking a break from dating if you are looking for a connection. Not that there is an emergency but, to find the right person you have to wade through a number of candidates.
> 
> ...


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## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

rider03 said:


> One thing that seems to be a consistent theme is how vulnerable we are when in a bad marriage on the brink of divorce, or separated or recently divorced. I've enocountered many stories (including my own) where we were so desperate for what we didn't have, we fell head over heels for the first person that came along and paid attention to us. Be cautious of that. Fortunately for me, the first OW had already been through her rebound and just used me and then blew me off. Ripped my heart up but I'm SO glad it ended up that way. It would not have worked out well in the long run.
> 
> And I'm much wiser to it now and will be more cautious in the future.
> 
> Good luck.


DUDE, I so agree with your words. :iagree: You basically described how it was for me!!!
Now, with some distance, I have a better control over what is important to me and I can treat a partner way more equal and acceptable.
I had to find myself, spend time to listen into me, to be able to find an even partner. Or see if the other person had potential to become "the one".

Don't be afraid to be alone for some time, you need it to heal and be able to move on.

Good Luck!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Erm first wife? No, she was one of my ex girlfriends (who the missus stole me from! Evil woman!). My first wife is my missus, who I love so much I posted a silly little thread in the private section about which has yet to get a reply!  Oh. My mistake.
> 
> Ok, serious note, my ex girlfriend, yes she was needy. Being pitied, decieved, didn't help her OR strengthen her at all. I was with her because I did care for her, just not the right way. I feared for her, as she threatened to kill herself if I ever left. I was under emotional blackmail, that's why it carried on as long as it did. I am so sorry that your ex was so manipulative. I hate people like that; was with a controlling manipulator for two years. Still doesn't excuse cheating.
> 
> Selfish? I don't know, past is past, but I should have broke off with her sooner. It was a difficult situation, I wanted to help her, but I couldn't. I was young, naive, and stupid (still am). But I learnt. This is life, everyone makes stupid mistakes.I agree. It would have been better if you left the ex before you dated someone else. I only hope that the cheating did not damage her further.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> ^ Hell when it comes to my daughter I'm going to be like Robert Di Niro in "meet the parents" with ANY GUY she brings home.


:lol::lol: Any good dad is like that! My first boyfriend was TERRIFIED of my father. :rofl: The icy stares on prom night certainly didn't help. Daddy is one of those strong and silent types.

When my husband wanted to marry me, he had to sit with my parents and ASK FOR MY HAND, like it was the thirties. Mr.G had the ring box in his hand and sweaty palms as he told my father we were engaged. My Dad just said "Every man is nervous when they have to ask a father for their daughter's hand. I only want my daughter to marry a man that cherishes her as much as I do and promises to look after my only girl."


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