# Is this enough for me to want out? Advice needed.



## poi (Apr 11, 2013)

There are a myriad of deal breakers on the table for my marriage, and I'm starting to believe that things will never improve, so I'm thinking about filing for divorce this week.

*1. Trust issues: *My husband is the type of person who doesn't share anything unless he thinks you "need" to know it. Never out of consideration for you, will he let you in on what's going on. For this, I have lost trust in him because I fear that he's hiding things from me and keeping me at a distance for a reason. He treats his daughter's mother the same way. 

1a. Last summer, I went on a business trip for 6 days. When I returned, there was a stain on the "dry clean only" comforter. I noticed this because I am particular about us keeping it clean because it costs $40 every time to clean it. 

1b. 3 weeks ago, I found a random picture of a girl on his phone. He couldn't tell me what her name was, but said that his phone "has to download pictures that you click on from facebook" and that's why it was on there. He also said that he thought she was the daughter of someone he used to work with. BUT somehow he doesn't know her name. 

1c. He sneaks and looks through my phone and computer all the time. Doesn't that seem odd? He also has admitted to having 8-10 emails. I only know of 2, and I don't have passwords to either, yet he has passwords to all of my accounts (except this one . 

1d. I gave up birth control because it makes my hormones crazy, costs money, and we never have sex anyway. He said, well if you still want to have sex with me, you need to buy condoms because you're NOT getting pregnant. So, I buy a 10pk. We have sex once, used 2 because he had a hard time getting the first one on. Two days ago, I notice there are only 7 left. WTF? So, I call to ask if he knew what happened to the 3rd condom, and he automatically points the finger at me. Suspicious, right? I didn't accuse him. I just said "there are only 7 left. Do you know what happened to the other one?" to which he responded "well, what did YOU do with it?"

1e. He keeps odd hours. If he has a project to work on, its always really late at night, and he claims to be at his mothers house an awful lot. He claimed to be "helping her set up her new dining room chairs", which took 4 hours (?), and then two nights later, said he had to go back over there because he wasn't finished. He stayed for another 3-4 hours. All you had to do to these chairs is screw them together with an allen wrench. He has pulled this excuse MANY times. I've even checked on the project he was supposedly working on, to find that there was no progress made.

1f. When we first started dating, I caught him cheating. We had plans one night. He lied and told me he was "helping a friend with his computer", and postponed the date for later. Then texted back and said he was going to be working on the computer longer than anticipated. A week later, I found a movie ticket receipt for 2 tickets during the time he was supposed to be with me. I broke it off. 1 year later, he successfully tried to get me back. Now, I'm regretting it. 

All of his behavior is just suspicious. 

2. I am a childless stepmother, which I do not like at all. SD13 is only with us 2-3 weekends per month, and I have not developed a relationship with her at all in the past 5 yrs. She's a good kid, I just don't have feelings for her. DH turns into a complete idiot when she is around, doesn't parent, wants to be her buddy, making me the bad cop if any chores have to be done. 

2b. He will change custody schedule without consulting me first, and just expect me to be the flexible one at all times. 

2c. He was going to ditch me on our first anniversary until I told him he'd better find a way to make it happen (SD was at a ball tournament out of town on his weekend, and he wasn't going to get back in town until 11pm that night after being away all day). I suggested that he have SD picked up by her mother so that he could leave in time to be with me the night of our anniversary. 

He accuses me of being a bi*** every time I don't get my way. I asked him when was the last time I got my way? As a smom, I NEVER get my way. He said "I took you out on our anniversary, didn't I?" Well, excuse me for expecting that much! 

3. No sex after one year of marriage. Our sex life has dwindled since the beginning of our relationship, and since we got married, it has all but disappeared. It's been 3+ weeks since our anniversary, which was the last time we did it. I want it, he doesn't. After many attempts to talk to him about this, he has basically told me to deal with it. 

4. During our pre-marital counseling, I developed a good relationship with our counseling pastor, and continued to see him a little while after we got married. About 3 months after our wedding, I was describing some of DH's behaviors to the counselor, and he seems to think DH has an imbalance, such as bipolar. Come to find out, DH's father (who committed suicide in 2006) was bipolar, DH's full blood brother is bipolar, as well as his nephew. GREAT! So, I mentioned this to DH in the most loving way possible. Needless to say, DH has NOT seen anyone about this, and I am left walking on eggshells during his mood swings. 

I feel like I've done everything possible to make this relationship work, but he's not putting in his share. He is an extremely heavy weight I'm dragging around with me everywhere I go. 

*Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated. *


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

after reading that, I only have one question............................why did u wait this long before checking your options.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Poi,

The writing is on the wall in bold, flashing neon lights. I'm not all about throwing in the towel, as evidenced by my sordid history with men. However, I would strongly recommend you go get yourself tested for STDs on the way to where ever you're going when you leave him. Don't be me.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I didn't have to read the whole message to answer the OP question -- yes it is enough to want out. Confront him and say you want out; please be direct and clear (I was not given the same courtesy by my ex-wife) and see how he reacts. Some reactions are easy to handle, some are not. But its time to share your feelings (you can leave some of your suspicions out of it -- just focus you want out, and if he wants to stay he's gotta change, and that you'll change things too). 

Just my two cents, as my 14 year marriage just ended officially last month..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds to me like he is cheating. And YES what you describe is more than enough reason to want out.


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