# Pleasee HELP ME



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

He sent me 2 texts beforehand :
1.Check your email,take your time with writing back.
2.Want you to think about your answers and search your heart b4 answering.


His Email:



> I don't want to make excuses but maybe I shouldn't have called this morning with how I was feeing that AM. I felt like I had to call because I didn't call last night. I am feeling sick, sore throat, weakness, low grade fever like total crap. After getting off the phone with you I felt even worse with belly pain and sick to my stomach. I'm just so confused. If I can ask you one question seriously with the kids taken out of the equation what are the 3 things that you love about me the most that make you want to stay together and pretend the kids are not an issue. Sorry to ask but I need to know since all of the things we have gone through. I will go first
> 
> 1. I love the fact that I can trust you with anything you have never lied to me and I know you would never cheat on me. This is huge! makes me sad that I have broken this with you.
> 
> ...




WHAT DO I DO ,should i write back of what he is asking?????????


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

sadly, i'm obviously no expert in relationships, but maybe just take time to think how you want to reply. It is very confusing to be told 'yes no yes no' - it leaves you very emotionally unsteady, drained and vulnerable. 

The way I see it, taking your time to discover what YOU really want is the way forward.....it is very hard and I think it takes a long time. But if you can paddle your own canoe without him rocking you around, you will feel stronger.....

when you know what you truely feel is for the best, then you will know how to answer - if you want him back and he does too, then that will be wonderful, if you want him back and he decides he wants to go his own way, then you will have more strength to deal with that if you have stabilized yourself alone. If you don't want him back then that's your call.

It is very difficult to put yourself in the driving seat but try to remind yourself that you are a wonderful person and you ARE able to decide for yourself.....

this is what I am trying to do.....it is easy to know in your head, but not so easy to really feel it!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks Marigold...i responded....in a very neutral way...gave him some points ...didn't talk about future...all past...did not convince him of anything but asked one final Q at the end...is what we talked over the phone his final ?!....
we'll see if/when he responds 


don't get his confusion...i never will,he told me he's happy on his own ,that he doesn't have anybody else in his life....and than 2 hrs later he asks me that kind of Q...this has got to be diagnosable...


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

What the heck? I don't understand the man? He was trying to see how in love with HIM you are, and not that you are doing this just for the sake of the kids. 
It sounds like he needs to feel like the most important thing in your life & is resenting you putting the children first (childish yes, I have the same issue with my husband it appears.)


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Babyheart said:


> (childish yes, I have the same issue with my husband it appears.)


from my point of view, not so childish, can lead to the to him feeling more & more left on the outer, wife spends more and more time with the kids, can get to the point where they have no time for H & W


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I have never put him 2nd though...never ever...he was the one not spending enough time with me...i never had to choose between my kids and him...he was always missing...working nights...
I think he wanted to know if i want to get back with him only because of the kids...weird because i made it clear to him numerous times that I LOVE HIM.....WTF?!
In my head all day i have been envisioning me without him...for the 1st time...it's hard but i'm trying to make plans for myself and the kids.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I guess I'm old school. I would not respond to TEXTS in this general sphere of topics. Pick up a damn phone, ya coward!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> I have never put him 2nd though...never ever...he was the one not spending enough time with me...i never had to choose between my kids and him...he was always missing...working nights...
> I think he wanted to know if i want to get back with him only because of the kids...weird because i made it clear to him numerous times that I LOVE HIM.....WTF?!


Sorrry, never meant to come across as you had him second (or lower) on the affection ladder.



> In my head all day i have been envisioning me without him...for the 1st time...it's hard but i'm trying to make plans for myself and the kids.


Yeah, sort of like that for me, thinking I am going to not get back with W any time soon if at all.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I guess I'm old school. I would not respond to TEXTS in this general sphere of topics. Pick up a damn phone, ya coward!


beauty of texting / email is there is no way you can get drawn into a screaming match, and you have time to think before you send anything


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Well the downside of emailing/texting? Too easy to misread emotions, feelings, etc. Too open for mis-interpretations. Even phone calls can be like that. I choose face to face conversation whenever possible. 

But Vivea, I swear, your husband and my husband must know each other, be related or something, because they are both the same. Idk Bipolar disorder? Seriously, one day my husband says the same thing, with the exception of adding the too young excuse. "I like my freedom. I can't be tied down with all these responsibilities. I need my space. I'm too young, and never had much experience . . ." blah blah blah. Then when its time for confrontation, he needs to touch me, wants to kiss me, etc. Like a crazy. This yo yo is so detrimental to us Vivea. Makes us crazy, seriously. I think its good you kept it neutral. Im trying to be that way too. I give you kudos for that. I have no idea how to progress from here on out. Sometimes I think it would've been easier if he did cheat. I have zero tolerance for a cheating husband or even boyfriend for that matter. The pain would still be there, but the yoyo effect would be out of the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye...yeah well...the truth is H. never told me he wants me back ...he said it's wrong what he is doing a few times...says a lot that he is confused but the truth is he never told me he loves me,at least not in a romantic meaning .

Today i was thinking ....the truth is I am so very disappointed in him that I'm not sure anymore I want him back. I think i will struggle big time if we get back together.I'm sad but i discovered that I'm more sad for the kids than for myself.

I still haven't heard from him and i think he will call in an hour before he goes to work and i'm dreading that call not because he will tell me again NO but because i really do not want to hear his voice. 
I'm actually not sure if i'll pick up the phone !I'd rather him send me an Email,because i think when he writes the words he can feel them and he deserves to feel them.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Morning Vivea...I'd just let the dude waste away...he's nowhere deserving of a prize like you!!!

Take care of the kids, yourself...spoil yourself today!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I just sent him an Email.



> Please do not call me anymore,obviously to you is like a horrible obligation ...and you can tell .
> If you would like to tell me anything(you final) about our relationship, please do so in an Email.
> From now on the calls will be only for the kids.
> 
> Have a great day!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Sakaye...yeah well...the truth is H. never told me he wants me back ...he said it's wrong what he is doing a few times...says a lot that he is confused but the truth is he never told me he loves me,at least not in a romantic meaning .
> 
> Today i was thinking ....the truth is I am so very disappointed in him that I'm not sure anymore I want him back. I think i will struggle big time if we get back together.I'm sad but i discovered that I'm more sad for the kids than for myself.


Damn Girl we are in exactly the same relationship  He tells me he loves me but not 'In love' with me, that he cares about me (HA)
He's said he's confused, now he's saying he's not... I bloody am 

I feel the same, I feel strong one day and think I deserve better, then the following I miss he him so damn much!

The stupid thing is.. I don't see him, I don't really talk to him, why am I missing him so much? I just can't pretend he doesn't exist..


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

H. still says that is confused...i wish he would stop saying that...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

vivea said:


> H. still says that is confused...i wish he would stop saying that...


he most likely is, and is trying (at least sometimes) to be honest, and wanting the sympathy.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> H. still says that is confused...i wish he would stop saying that...


It's so we are say "awww poor you, it must suck to be you, being all confused *comforts"


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Hahaha....we'll i pity him because one day when he un-confuses himself he can only dream to be with someone like me.At least that is what i'm trying to tell myself.

Came back from the gym now....my gym is amazing BTW....huge..swimming pools,climbing walls...everything you can think of. Plenty of guys there...for the 1st time I've allowed myself to check the guys out...not my style at all but smiled back at few of them...Can't even imagine myself with another guy...but started at least accepting that it might happen and even if it's hard for my mind to even just have a small thought about that ...i'm doing it...pushing myself to think about it...
It's just going to be such a weird experience ,dating with 2 kids...i mean how is that happening...i thought guys are scared from Moms with kids but appears that it doesn't matter for a lot of them.. I've had a few smiles from guys while being with my kids....or they might have just been nice people that smile to Moms lol...IDK...


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

vivea said:


> ....i thought guys are scared from Moms with kids but appears that it doesn't matter for a lot of them.. I've had a few smiles from guys while being with my kids....or they might have just been nice people that smile to Moms lol...IDK...


Oh vivea!! Lol
I think that's a thing of the past. I never thought anyone would date me either but after my first set of older children (2 of em) I did date and had a couple serious relationships before finding my husband. Lots of guys now are more open to the fact that some women have children. Where in the past it was almost tabboo. Which is a great thing for us. But Im going on 4 now, and I just don't know if there's some sort of limit lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I hate that i'm sitting here and waiting on his final decision when i know that he can't decide and it might take a while....i'm just so tempted to Email him with the Q: " Please tell me now YES or NO so i can start moving on" ....this is all i want...i swear...

It drives me nuts that i wrote him back of what he has asked and he hasn't responded to at least say "thank you for taking your time"
ugh....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> I hate that i'm sitting here and waiting on his final decision when i know that he can't decide and it might take a while....i'm just so tempted to Email him with the Q: " Please tell me now YES or NO so i can start moving on" ....this is all i want...i swear...
> 
> It drives me nuts that i wrote him back of what he has asked and he hasn't responded to at least say "thank you for taking your time"
> ugh....


Don't email him. You will be shooting yourself in the foot. 

You need to be strong. Right now you are like an addict and you are addicted to him. You are under HIS control. Your moods, your feelings, your emotions and actions are all being dictated by HIM and what he says and does or what he does not do. You need to break this addiction. 

Take his number out of your cell phone so that you have to dial his number. It helps, trust me. 

You can do it. He's like a bad habit you need to break yourself from.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks freak...exactly what i needed.I can't take his number out of my cell though...he calls daughter every night and she calls when she wants to ...
Believe me if it was not for the kids i would be cutting all contact with him ! I feel i can do that but the kids make me very weak and i fight for them also...they need their father. I don't want some other guy to be their father..it's impossible anyways...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Don't email him. You will be shooting yourself in the foot.
> 
> You need to be strong. Right now you are like an addict and you are addicted to him. You are under HIS control. Your moods, your feelings, your emotions and actions are all being dictated by HIM and what he says and does or what he does not do. You need to break this addiction.
> 
> ...


It's 1:21am and im battling my demons not to text him, his texts today have knocked me for 6, I want to question them, but I know if I do, he'll just knock me down & I'll just be giving away my power...I don't know if he's still confused, those texts.... maybe he's trying to take back control.. I know I need to keep up no contact... I miss him... I am bloody addicted!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Step away from the phone, turn it off if need be...read a book, take a hot bubble bath...but ignore the phone!


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

don't have that problem, she wont text a reply to when can I see my boys let alone text for anything else.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

My daughter spoke to him tonight,he told her he will try to make it for her game on Sat....i'm pissed because i don't think he will and he can't tell her.Now he put her hopes up and she'll be waiting....ughhh

AmI ...for me i don't miss him tonight..i kind of want to piss him off ...i want to Email him and tell him that i'm not waiting for him and i'm going to start dating...i want to freak him out....I'm not going to do it but that is what i want to do...
Gosh..what if i really start losing my feelings for him and than he "wakes up"and i don't have feelings for him anymore....that is my concern sometimes...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> i want to Email him and tell him that i'm not waiting for him and i'm going to start dating...i want to freak him out....I'm not going to do it but that is what i want to do...
> Gosh..what if i really start losing my feelings for him and than he "wakes up"and i don't have feelings for him anymore....that is my concern sometimes...


The last thing you want to do is date someone. :slap: Don't even go there. Dating on the rebound is BAD. Bad for you, bad for the kids and bad for the guy you are dating. You need to break your addiction for your husband and live on your own before you can even think of such a thing. 

Losing your feelings for him wouldn't be such a bad thing. I'm not saying that you won't love/care for him but you'll need to lose some of these feelings of obsession in order to be free of this addiction you have about him. 

To not care if he calls or not, to not [i[want[/i] to call him..it's a blessed release, trust me. Slowly but surely I've gotten there and IT'S GREAT. You can finally breath on your own! :smthumbup:

But it won't happen if you keep giving in and doing it! Stay strong. Take the cell phone and turn it off, put it away and watch some TV or read a book. 

Don't email him and tell him what your intentions are or aren't. Keep him guessing. Why does he have to know everything?

And let him worry about going to his daughter's game. You can't control him! You have to start letting go! When you give in and call, text, email then you ARE giving control to the other person!

You need a hobby..or something...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Freak...i'm no where near to be dating...i was just saying that this is what i want to tell him just so i piss him off...
it'll definitely take a while for me for that step...and i have to know for sure that he is DONE with me.

Can't stop thinking about him though,can't see that happening any time soon either...if ever ...Gosh i'm so scared that I will stay in-love with him for a very long time and won't be able to move on...


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

vivea said:


> Freak...i'm no where near to be dating...i was just saying that this is what i want to tell him just so i piss him off...
> it'll definitely take a while for me for that step...and i have to know for sure that he is DONE with me.
> 
> Can't stop thinking about him though,can't see that happening any time soon either...if ever ...Gosh i'm so scared that I will stay in-love with him for a very long time and won't be able to move on...



That is Exactly how I feel  It sucks *sigh*


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Freak...i'm no where near to be dating...i was just saying that this is what i want to tell him just so i piss him off...


Don't play that game. You are better than that.  Plus, he'll just think you are being an over dramatic beotch. 



> Can't stop thinking about him though,can't see that happening any time soon either...if ever ...Gosh i'm so scared that I will stay in-love with him for a very long time and won't be able to move on...


You'll get over him. If he keeps pushing you away, eventually you'll turn and walk. It happens sooner or later. Or at least it should. That's what the 180 is for..it helps give you the space and frame of mind to think clearly and separate your emotions from your rational thought. 

Stay strong.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I'm trying freak ,,thank you much for encouraging me. It's just hard for me ,you know i'm a stay at home mom and i don't work which kills me at the moment...as much as i love my kids at the moment it's hard to take my mind of him when i'm almost all day at home alone with them...if i was working it would be easier...at least i think.. It would be at least another year before i'll be able to send the little one to daycare.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Oh..that sucks. I have to say that having to work like crazy to straighten out our business and deal with the financial mess after my husband left was probably what saved me. I was too busy to think much! Then came the apartment search and then the move, the holidays, the bad weather, etc, etc. I think I took a second breath sometime last week. 

It was pretty awful but it took my mind off things..

I'd say you need to find a sitter for your kids and get involved in some sort of hobby..ANYTHING! I don't know what I'd do without my variety of interests. Also, I'm so tired after working all week that just sitting home and playing on the computer and/or sleeping in is great!

Best of all, no one hassles me.


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