# First day in therapy



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So, I came home from therapy today and my husband asked, How did it go? well I started telling him how good it went and was very positive and then it kinda spun from there... 

Back story my husband kissed a friend years ago, And he has told me numerous amounts of times that he had no feelings for her. BUT for some reason It really matters to me what he said to her leading up to the kiss. I am so terrified that he told her he may have feelings for her and needed to kiss her to see if that was true. WHY? like why do I care so much in my heart that he may have said that? he may have said to her he had feelings. So if he figured out that he DIDN'T after the kiss then why do I care about what was said prior to the kiss. :scratchhead: I mean I know that I have some self esteem issues and its screaming that at me right now. But I am crushed we are now fighting. And it breaks my heart. Especially when he walked away, He said how sad is it. We fought for us all these years and this is what will do us in. :crying:


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

It's early yet, give the therapist some time to weave their magic.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

I wish I could see her everyday!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DWBH,

Why do you care so much, because the kissing was the culmination of months or years of lusting, longing and flirting between them. Deep down you know this. 

I would suspect it was a classic affair where the affair partners bond by complaining about their spouses together. Their spouses become a private joke between them which is part of the specialness of their secret union. While they may put the brakes on the relationship once it goes physical which your Hs affair did the emotional component often does not go away. 

Since that time does your H kiss you with emotion and passion or has it fallen away?

I feel that in most cases therapy is a waste of money if the affair has not been completely confessed to, and it's better to put that money towards a polygraph.

Tamat


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So, I came home from therapy today and my husband asked, How did it go? well I started telling him how good it went and was very positive and then it kinda spun from there...
> 
> Back story my husband kissed a friend years ago, And he has told me numerous amounts of times that he had no feelings for her. BUT for some reason It really matters to me what he said to her leading up to the kiss. I am so terrified that he told her he may have feelings for her and needed to kiss her to see if that was true. WHY? like why do I care so much in my heart that he may have said that? he may have said to her he had feelings. So if he figured out that he DIDN'T after the kiss then why do I care about what was said prior to the kiss. :scratchhead: I mean I know that I have some self esteem issues and its screaming that at me right now. But I am crushed we are now fighting. And it breaks my heart. Especially when he walked away, He said how sad is it. We fought for us all these years and this is what will do us in. :crying:


Your WH did have feelings. He was attracted to her.
Thus the flirting. After getting bored with the flirting
he wanted to up the game.

Knowing that if he told her lets F'k she would most likely
tell him to get lost. So he went the smart way and found
an line to move the EA to a PA. So he did the let's kiss play.

What happened she would not do more. Or he did not like it.
Or after he did it he got scared and ended it.

See you are hung up on what he said instead it is about what
he wanted to do at the time.

Actions speak louder than words.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

dwbh, people don't just kiss out of the blue.

There was a buildup.

You are upset because you know this deep down, and you are as bothered about the buildup as you are about the actual kiss.

Your husband is gaslighting you. He doesn't want to tell you about everything that was thought, said and done before the actual kiss, so he is making you out to be the unreasonable one. He is also doesn't want you to know that it would have gone farther, but she put on the brakes.

He should be apologizing, not getting angry and defensive (offensive.) He is hiding information and he wants you to get over it already, so he doesn't have to admit anything else, or get into any more trouble.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So here is where I disagree with you all. Cause After the kiss he called her three days later and apologized to her and told her he loves me and he didn’t have feelings he was lost for a moment. About 4 months later she tried to kiss him and he said no so that’s how I know it wasn’t a “thing” of he truly lusted her he would have ran with it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

*"It was just a Kiss... meant nothing!"* Classic Cheater Speak.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

RWB said:


> *"It was just a Kiss... meant nothing!"* Classic Cheater Speak.



I get it! But he hasn’t cheated ever since and didn’t keep trying when she did. So that has to speak for something.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ask her to recommend some books for you to read.
The books my therapist told me about changed everything for me much faster. 
That way you will feel you are in therapy 24/7.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

good idea!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I get it! *But he hasn’t cheated ever since and didn’t keep trying when she did.* So that has to speak for something.


 Did he tell you all of this?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > I get it! *But he hasn’t cheated ever since and didn’t keep trying when she did.* So that has to speak for something.
> ...



We are very open. We are always together quite the party life and have focused on us! We don’t put ourselves in positions like we used to anymore. Literally he is a new man and I need to embrace that.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So, I came home from therapy today and my husband asked, How did it go? well I started telling him how good it went and was very positive and then it kinda spun from there...
> 
> Back story my husband kissed a friend years ago, And he has told me numerous amounts of times that he had no feelings for her. BUT for some reason It really matters to me what he said to her leading up to the kiss. I am so terrified that he told her he may have feelings for her and needed to kiss her to see if that was true. WHY? like why do I care so much in my heart that he may have said that? he may have said to her he had feelings. So if he figured out that he DIDN'T after the kiss then why do I care about what was said prior to the kiss. :scratchhead: I mean I know that I have some self esteem issues and its screaming that at me right now. But I am crushed we are now fighting. And it breaks my heart. Especially when he walked away, He said how sad is it. We fought for us all these years and this is what will do us in. :crying:


See your last line were he said how sad it is and this will do us in. There’s major blame shifting going on here. His actions are doing your marriage in, not yours. This is all on him and he needs to be accountable. It’s not as if it was a once off thing also, if she’s approaching him 4 months later. I be
I eve you have only got the tip of the ice berg. Dig deeper, be prepared to make him uncomfortable. He has done all of this, not you, pls remind him. He should also be getting IC to find out why he needs to kiss others and cheat on his wife.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So one thing I do know as to why I think she tried again is cause she was in a awful spot. Her husband had a two year love, and other things happen affair with her sister in law. So I do think that her saying that again drunk was her also trying to play pay back. And I kno she was digging especially with his friend ya know. Cause when she went home that’s night she played this game with her husband asking if he was a threat to the marriage. I think she wanted attention also and to have her husband get jealous. If my husband truly wanted her he would have executed what did he have to lose that wasn’t already on the line ya know.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Do you think that part of the reason you can't let it go is that your H never took what he did seriously or comprehended what he did? As another thread put it "he never got it"


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> Do you think that part of the reason you can't let it go is that your H never took what he did seriously or comprehended what he did? As another thread put it "he never got it"



I think maybe he didn’t take it as serious as me because he saw what he did was not the typical affairs and he had reasoning to do it that he wasn’t infatuated and so on so maybe yeah maybe he didn’t see it as severe as I do


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

dontworrybehappy said:


> I think maybe he didn’t take it as serious as me because he saw what he did was not the typical affairs and he had reasoning to do it that he wasn’t infatuated and so on so maybe yeah maybe he didn’t see it as severe as I do


They never do.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So here is where I disagree with you all. Cause After the kiss he called her three days later and apologized to her and told her he loves me and he didn’t have feelings he was lost for a moment. About 4 months later she tried to kiss him and he said no so that’s how I know it wasn’t a “thing” of he truly lusted her he would have ran with it.


May I assume you had a VAR *secretly* record this oh so noble call he made to her while he thought he was alone? If that's the case - that he called _not knowing he was being taped_ - then I MIGHT believe it.

But if he made this most gratuitous call *in your presence*, then it doesn't count. He filed that little phone call performance under, 'dog and pony show I put on for my wife to get her off my back.' He and his 'friend' probably had a good laugh over that one the next time he saw her.

How do you know it never went farther than a kiss? Because HE told you that? Maybe *she* told you that as well? 

The likelihood that they *collaborated* on what their 'official' story would be - 'we just kissed' is 99%. Most cheaters NEVER admit to having sex unless you have ironclad proof to put under their noses. Even then, most of them _still _try to lie. Methinks your husband's pants are on fire. Hell, they're an inferno.



> But he hasn’t cheated ever since and didn’t keep trying when she did. So that has to speak for something.


And you know this because he *told* you that? 

All you have is HIS word. And you already know what that's worth...


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> May I assume you had a VAR *secretly* record this oh so noble call he made to her while he thought he was alone? If that's the case - that he called _not knowing he was being taped_ - then I MIGHT believe it.
> 
> But if he made this most gratuitous call *in your presence*, then it doesn't count. He filed that little phone call performance under, 'dog and pony show I put on for my wife to get her off my back.' He and his 'friend' probably had a good laugh over that one the next time he saw her.
> 
> ...



Honestly, I think that this is by far the mot rude post I have got just for coming in for help. For a support group.. and I get a bashing like I NEVER knew my husband for the last 16 years, Like I just automatically have to disregard all of the good JUST because he got lost in a brief moment of time when we were 25! we were freaking kids. looking back can honestly say IF a man had kissed me and I kissed back.. Well you bet your ass I would question things. That's being HUMAN when you are lacking something you are disconnected and lost. I GET IT. No they did not have sex they did not fall for each other, My husband wasn't like OMG she kissed me drunk and I have known her since the 7th grade NEVER trying to be with her when he could, But ah this ya this was the ultimate ringer for me! seriously common.... its this simple. Her husband cheated on her, Then she seen him walk off that night with her so then in drunken anger threw herself on a guy he walked away then basically targeted mine. That happened and put him in shock. Then he questioned our at the time **** marriage. kissed her to see if it meant anything like validation or not wanting to be married and so on. Then I find out and I have and EA with a co worker and BAM the trickle effect of being a human who in the end JUST NEEDS LOVE AND SUPPORT..


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> May I assume you had a VAR *secretly* record this oh so noble call he made to her while he thought he was alone? If that's the case - that he called _not knowing he was being taped_ - then I MIGHT believe it.
> 
> But if he made this most gratuitous call *in your presence*, then it doesn't count. He filed that little phone call performance under, 'dog and pony show I put on for my wife to get her off my back.' He and his 'friend' probably had a good laugh over that one the next time he saw her.
> 
> ...



AND no it wasnt a secret call I didnt tell him to call anyone I didnt know for a year her husband, My husband and her knew he also didnt know that the other husband knew. SO if he reallllly wanted her he would and could have kept that going. THATS how I know he is a good man.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

dontworrybehappy said:


> AND no it wasnt a secret call I didnt tell him to call anyone I didnt know for a year her husband, My husband and her knew he also didnt know that the other husband knew. SO if he reallllly wanted her he would and could have kept that going. THATS how I know he is a good man.


You've already decided that your husband is a "good man". You've made up your mind.


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