# Am I looking for reasons to be upset? Is he a selfish jerk? Or is this just typical male-female relationship stuff?



## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

I've had terrible taste in men in the past and I think I'm pretty traumatized with emotional baggage.

I finally found someone where 90% we "just work" and are really happy. He is a really good, solid guy and I've never been happy and comfortable this way in a relationship. Mostly.

But this one scenario keeps repeating itself, just once every 2 or 3 months, but I feel incredibly frustrated. If I just "let it go" I'm fine. But I worry I'm getting entrenched in another bad for me relationship by just letting it go.

The most important thing to me in a relationship is to feel emotionally intimate and connected. I believe the most important thing to him is a friend, support, and sex. (In the opposite order.)

What happens:
I say something. He misunderstands. I try to clarify what I'm saying. He keeps saying "I know what you mean stop talking about it." but he clearly does NOT understand me. I either stop talking and feel misunderstood forever, or insist on forcing my opinion on him and he gets really irritated and doesn't want to be around me.

I've learned that if I drop it in the moment, later I can bring it up and he will discuss it with me in that he will tell me his point of view and that does really help me feel closer to him. But he has ZERO interest in my point of view. If I am demanding enough he will stand there and let me speak but there is no feedback of understanding to me.

It doesn't feel like he doesn't love me or care about my feelings as much as it feels like he is afraid to know what my feelings are. But I'm very pragmatic, not demanding at all, I just desperately want to feel heard and understood. 

I could give examples but I don't want to make this post any longer.

Thoughts? I'm especially curious what men think and if other women have a similar experience and how they handle it.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think an example would help. Like what kind of thing might you be saying that he will misunderstand? And are you positive he isn't understanding and just doesn't agree with your point of view but doesn't want to argue over something he feels is trivial. Are you the type of person who sometimes thinks if some doesn't agree with your POV you assume they misunderstand you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FarmTownGirl said:


> I've had terrible taste in men in the past and I think I'm pretty traumatized with emotional baggage.
> 
> I finally found someone where 90% we "just work" and are really happy. He is a really good, solid guy and I've never been happy and comfortable this way in a relationship. Mostly.
> 
> ...


It's a communication issue and I have almost the same issue with my wife.

It is a pain and I do care for her emotions, not sure about your guy, but we have trouble understanding each other some times.

We have both had to learn patience with each other's short comings.

If everything else is solid, maybe you can work through it.

Hoping for the best.

People are kind of screwed up. Even those of us who are good mates.

We still struggle and we are nearing out 30th year together.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I think an example would help. Like what kind of thing might you be saying that he will misunderstand? And are you positive he isn't understanding and just doesn't agree with your point of view but doesn't want to argue over something he feels is trivial. Are you the type of person who sometimes thinks if some doesn't agree with your POV you assume they misunderstand you?


Something happened the other night that brought this frustration back up, but I can't explain it without too many details so here is a more "typical" example that's not so emotional -- we've learned to navigate each other a bit more to avoid this but here goes:

We're rushing around to leave for the beach.
He say's "lets take this bag of ice that's in the freezer." It's our only ice.
I say "sure, why don't we take some out now and put it in a bowl in case we want drinks when we get home?"
He says: "Forget it, that's too much trouble. We'll buy a bag at the gas station."

Our relationship was new and I think -_ Does he think I'll be upset if he doesn't like my idea? I don't care if we don't use my idea, this bag is here and handy_. It suddenly becomes important to me that he understand I'm not so touchy that he can't just say "I don't want to rip the bag open."

I say "That's okay we can take this one, it was just an idea."
He says "Forget it, that's too much trouble, you want to rip the bag open, ice will spill, it doesn't need to be complicated. We'll just get one at the gas station."
I say "No, we don't have to open it, it was just a suggestion..."
He says "We'll get one at the gas station, it's just a bag of ice, it doesn't need to turn into such an issue."

I feel dismissed and frustrated but I drop it. We get ready and go, getting ice at the ice station. Now we're driving along and I'm hyper focused on the idea that he thinks I can't handle him not acting on every whimsical idea I have. I bring the subject up --

Me: About the ice, I just wanted you to know that I didn't care if you didn't use my idea.
Him: It's just a bag of ice, don't worry about it.
Me: I'm not talking about the bag of ice, I'm just concerned that...
Him: It's just a bag of ice, why are we talking about a bag of ice? Let's go have fun.
Me: I'm not talking about a bag of ice...
Him: It's ice. We got some at the ice station. Problem solved. There's nothing to talk about.
Me: but I'm not talking about...
Him: Oh look, they're planting cauliflower over there.
Me: silent eye roll.
Him: Look at those pretty clouds. It's a beautiful day.

Me: Wondering WTF just happened? What are my choices? Let it go and appreciate what we have? or DIG IN and INSIST on being heard because I don't want a relationship where I can't connect mentally/emotionally with my guy? Accept that men really aren't interested in understanding my thoughts and go talk to a girlfriend if I need conversation?

About him:

He's hard of hearing which may account for some misunderstandings, but doesn't explain why he resists my attempts to clarify things.
he's definitely a "manly man" which I LOVE about him, absolutely LOVE, but he's not really interested in thoughts, ideas, feeling, philosophizing, etc. Very action oriented. We have rewarding (to me) conversations occasionally, but they are me asking him about himself. He lets me talk about myself but never probes and is super quick to tell me "I've already told him that" (when actually I haven't told him the point I'm about to make). On the other hand sometimes he surprises me with deep insight into my thoughts and motivation when I thought he wasn't listening at all.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

OK so from what you describe, you are worrying about clarifying something that didn't need to be clarified. He didn't like or dislike your idea he just figured, you know what we need ice here too so lets get some for the beach on the way. To be perfectly honest I think I would have responded similarly to him. Sounds like your guy is decisive which is a good thing, Your idea reminded him the bag at the house was the only bag, he thought if we take this bag we will need more ice very soon so let's just leave this ice here and get a bag on the way. It really is that simple, nothing else to read into, he probably didn't give it a second thought, it really didn't require any analysis or discussion. You made a valid point he came up with a better solution.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Are you the type of person who sometimes thinks if some doesn't agree with your POV you assume they misunderstand you?


One more comment -- No, I am not that type of person. (I just assume they're an idiot, LOL, just kidding, kinda)

Seriously though, I am okay with someone disagreeing, but I become OBSSESSED with being UNDERSTOOD if the feedback I get indicates they don't understand my point. 

I remember talking with my dad about getting in trouble when I was little and he said "You're biggest problem was that you just wouldn't stop talking back." And I realized, my biggest memory from being in trouble as a child was feeling misunderstood. So. Mis. Understood! 

In this case though he is definitely not getting my point because the things he tells me that I'm thinking are NOT what I am thinking. And the fact that he won't pause to let me just one time explain my point thoroughly frustrates me so much. I will listen to his point of view, explain it back to him, tell him where I agree and regardless make sure he knows I understand why he feels the way he feels. He will not even let me make my point.

He did have a pretty rough childhood and his first marriage included his ex wife becoming physically violent several times. A friend said he probably has PTSD.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It sounds to me that he doesn't want emotional intimacy, just sexual intimacy. Does he think you're always complaining or something like that? Or does he think you're critical or negative? I mean it's pretty serious if he just doesn't respect you enough to value your opinion or thoughts on things. That isn't going to wear well over time.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> OK so from what you describe, you are worrying about clarifying something that didn't need to be clarified. He didn't like or dislike your idea he just figured, you know what we need ice here too so lets get some for the beach on the way. To be perfectly honest I think I would have responded similarly to him. Sounds like your guy is decisive which is a good thing, Your idea reminded him the bag at the house was the only bag, he thought if we take this bag we will need more ice very soon so let's just leave this ice here and get a bag on the way. It really is that simple, nothing else to read into, he probably didn't give it a second thought, it really didn't require any analysis or discussion. You made a valid point he came up with a better solution.


Thank you, that is really helpful. 

He is *definitely* decisive. Sometimes it really costs him because he will take action before thinking things through and not listen to details I'm trying to explain to him about the situation that could prevent a bad decision. Still, his decisiveness is a net positive, he is a man of action.

I know I over analyze things. I keep thinking, if I just let these things go then there really is no issue. But another part of me thinks if I'm a person who feels very strongly about being understood and he knows that but can't be bothered, am I with the wrong person? 

This is where I get down on men though. I feel like I know what he likes - sex, companionship, and supportiveness and I go out of my way to give him those things because I love him, they are important to him, and he is important to me. And I enjoy them too. But he also knows what I want, to talk things through and express myself and feel connected, but his attitude seems to be "I'm not interested in discussing this so I'm not going to do it. She'll get over it."


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I read the example dialogue before and was going to respond.

My initial thoughts were that he had made a choice / decision. You then offered something by way of a question. He didn't want to do that, and so stuck with his original idea. Just stopping at that initial part, I will share that Batman and I had a brief dialogue the other night and I can't for the life of me remember what it was about. It wasn't anything either of us would feel was significant. I just remember how it wrapped up.

He said something framed as a question. I answered in a way that didn't align with his idea. He responded back. And I said, 'Why did you ask me, then?' He basically said, 'Good point.' It's not often our dialogue is this way - and it can be either one of us asking this on occasion. I guess I'm just sharing from personal experience how communication can unfold within my world view. Sometimes more dialogue is good. And sometimes, action is good too.

So with the example you provided, rather than framing as a question, why not just do the thing? And if for some reason it's needed, just state what you're doing and why. I don't know if it is at all helpful to you!

It doesn't address your obsessive need to be understood.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You sound like someone who talks so much and is in need of constant validation of what you said that it is difficult to listen to you for too long.
I love my wife and always will but when she gets going like that I find myself hoping I get hit by a bus soon...... or look for a way to end the conversation and get away.

Here is a good tip: Timing is everything... it’s not the right time all day every day. Pick a time when you know you have his undivided attention.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It sounds to me that he doesn't want emotional intimacy, just sexual intimacy. Does he think you're always complaining or something like that? Or does he think you're critical or negative?


I don't think he thinks I'm always complaining, critical, or negative. ('cause I'm not. but I could see myself becoming that bitter woman and I do not want that.)

It's almost like he goes into some kind of panic mode if I want to clarify something, like he feels attacked? Or harassed? He is impatient in general, but very good natured, not grumpy/insolent impatient. He just wants to STOP the conversation.



DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean it's pretty serious if he just doesn't respect you enough to value your opinion or thoughts on things. That isn't going to wear well over time.


THAT! I do feel like he has already made up his mind that whatever I'm trying to say is of no value. He will literally say to me "you are wasting time discussing this." 

Here is another example from long ago:
background facts:

I had been looking at house kits on line (it's a stick frame house where they cut all the lumber then you or your contractor builds it.)
He absolutely does not want a prefabricated home (like a modular)

So he mentions building our own home. I told him I'd read a lot of good things about SIP boards and did he know what those were?
He starts saying "No. We are not using those. I don't want a prefabricated house."
It's not that, it's just ply wood panels with insulation between them.
He kept saying "No, I don't want a modular/prefab home, those things are junk, etc..."
I kept saying "It's not a prefab home!"
the circular conversation continues.
I ask "when you buy lumber to build don't you have them cut a lot of it to size? Do you consider that a prefab home?"
He says "You talking to me about construction is like me talking to you about computers."
Flash forward we're visiting a friend who is in construction. I ask him what he thinks of SIP for the walls and he and I discuss the pros and cons a bit while my guy, who is hard of hearing, shakes his head like I'm a silly little woman. Later he told me "I was embarrassed when you were talking to Steve about building, he didn't know what to say to you."
I said "you obviously couldn't hear what he was saying because he did not dismiss the idea."

These examples are from some time ago and things have gotten better in this regard. But I hate this feeling of "am I making mountains out of mole hills or is he really dismissive of me?"

The other day I turned the tables on him when he was upset about something I did and started cracking jokes about it and saying "why are we talking about this? This already happened, why are you wasting time talking about this? Yes, I know what you're trying to say, you already said it, relax, let's have fun, you're wasting time talking... etc."

He got so mad he slammed the door so hard some plastic on the screen broke. The next day he said he hadn't done that in years (slammed a door in anger). I said "It's incredibly frustrating when you're concerned about something and someone won't take you seriously." He kind of acknowledged that now he did understand better how I felt when he did that to me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He sounds pretty set in his ways. There are people who will just take the opposing view no matter what you're talking about. I have a friend like that. I had a serious talk with her about it several years ago after she was completely dismissive when I was trying to help her as she was getting ready to have to buy another used car. I mean I worked in an auto dealership at one time plus my dad used to sell cars as a hobby. It didn't matter what I told her she took the opposite view. 

Then to add insult to injury, she talked to her brother-in-law about it who doesn't even know as much about it as I do and she just assumed everything he said was gospel. It's insulting. 

Sounds like your husband is not a very good listener. Any chance he's ADD or something?

At least you made a point with him. on that deal about the house it sounds like he can't be okay if you are right about something or even entertain the idea that you might be. I wonder how hard it would be to get him in marriage counseling just to work on this issue.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

With regards to your ice example I would have done the same thing where I wouldn’t have wanted to rip the bag open. I would have come up with an alternative like he did. 

Normally my wife wouldn’t bother pressing me on something like that (a minor trivial thing) unless she was pissed at me about something else and was trying to give me grief. 

Just reading the story I could barely get through it; made me tired just reading that.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> I read the example dialogue before and was going to respond.
> 
> My initial thoughts were that he had made a choice / decision. You then offered something by way of a question. He didn't want to do that, and so stuck with his original idea. Just stopping at that initial part, I will share that Batman and I had a brief dialogue the other night and I can't for the life of me remember what it was about. It wasn't anything either of us would feel was significant. I just remember how it wrapped up.
> 
> ...


hahaha OH MY GOD, I'm going to have a melt down. Apparently I AM the crazy one! Now I feel REALLY misunderstood. I did not *care *about doing the thing, *that *was my point. 

He made a suggestion - grab that bag of ice. 

I impulsively suggested we save some ice from the bag. I didn't care one way or the other. I was just trying to contribute to the planning and getting ready.

so far so good.

But then he reacted like he believed *I would be upset if he didn't act on an idea I had*. Now we have to get a bag of ice at the gas station because I suggested something he didn't want to do. we couldn't just go back to his original idea.

I wasn't bothered that he didn't like my idea, but I was really bothered that he apparently thought I was so emotionally fragile that I would be upset if he rejected one of my ideas.

I was trying to communicate that it's perfectly fine if he didn't like one of my ideas. 

And he kept reacting like I was complaining that he didn't like my idea. 

When I kept saying "I'm not talking about the bag of ice" and he kept saying "it's just a bag of ice" I felt insane.

QUESTION FOR YOU:
So if you say something to your husband and you know he didn't understand based on his response to you, but it's not a life or death topic, is your instinct to just shrug it off or to clarify?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

He did listen to you and when you pointed out a problem with his plan (no ice when you got home) he had a different solution to the problem you pointed out.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My (female) opinion: Not everything has to be clarified to the level you might want. Sometimes you just need to let things go.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

FarmTownGirl said:


> hahaha OH MY GOD, I'm going to have a melt down. Apparently I AM the crazy one! Now I feel REALLY misunderstood. I did not *care *about doing the thing, *that *was my point.
> 
> He made a suggestion - grab that bag of ice.
> 
> ...


Eek, I'm going to point out through slight paraphrasing of your words, that it really bothered you that he apparently thought you were so emotionally fragile that you would be upset if he rejected one of your ideas... and then started your reply post to me that you're going to have a melt down. Okay, breathe and laugh here. But I do feel I might be about to tip you over the edge. Turns out I misunderstood your written communication of the example scenario since removed, as it didn't come across to me that he reacted that you would be upset. I interpreted the scenario more like @ccpowerslave 

I can't offer more on that scenario as I'm likely to make both of us dizzy. And perhaps wasn't offering much anyway!

To answer your question directed to me: It's not often that I don't feel understood. I recognize he may offer different views to mine; doesn't mean I'll necessarily agree but I still feel that he gets me. I'm really thinking about this, and maybe personality comes into it. Primarily, I trust his intention. Then it's also that we can both be verbally direct and tone and intent plays a part. He has told me before if I'm repeating something that I've just gone over. Those kind of moments typically relate to something that's just about me and within my capacity to adjust / accept. He may have already offered support and/or listened. If he points this out, it basically brings me pause to recognize that I've gotten myself into a loop. I kind of imagine that frozen circular symbol when Netflix delays. And I'm not sure how to explain it, other than recognizing that I'm not doing myself any favors as a result, and acknowledge, 'Yep, you're right.' I feel in that communication, he's either pointing it out because he knows I'm not doing myself any favors, or it could be he's given all he can with hearing about that. Sometimes both. And personally, I'm okay with both. Reason being, I also still feel heard and supported and would rather he tell me straight than not.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> You sound like someone who talks so much and is in need of constant validation of what you said that it is difficult to listen to you for too long.
> I love my wife and always will but when she gets going like that I find myself hoping I get hit by a bus soon...... or look for a way to end the conversation and get away.
> 
> Here is a good tip: Timing is everything... it’s not the right time all day every day. Pick a time when you know you have his undivided attention.


Thanks, I have been working on timing. And making sure I have his attention. Which can be a challenge. And I try to get to the conclusion before he puts a gun in his mouth... ;-)

I can talk too much and ramble if a topic really interests me. But I don't talk *often*, and I never do small talk chatter. I'm definitely not talking at him all day every day. We might have a conversation that lasts more than 5 minutes 2 or 3 times a week.

I think you're right I may be needy in the validation part. When I do have something to say I feel really deflated if he doesn't respond or indicate he understands me.

Question - How often does your wife get going where you pray for a big bus, and what kind of topic might she go on about? When you try to just stop the conversation how does she react? 

Something that bothers me is that he will talk and talk to me about things I am not interested in. And he'll show me what he's building or doing and I am genuinely interested not because I care about rebuilding cars or whatever, but because I am interested in him, he's impressive, and I get excited that HE is excited about the topic. But he does not return the favor when something interests me. 

Judging from the feedback I'm getting from men on here I'm thinking that's just how most guys are and the first thing I need to do is not take it personally. It feels very one sided to me though.

I also think I may be overly sensitive to my current guy not listening to me because my ex was flat out cruel to me in withholding conversation. I need to remember this guy is not him. Not at all.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Eek, I'm going to point out through slight paraphrasing of your words, that it really bothered you that he apparently thought you were so emotionally fragile that you would be upset if he rejected one of your ideas... and then started your reply post to me that you're going to have a melt down. Okay, breathe and laugh here. But I do feel I might be about to tip you over the edge. Turns out I misunderstood your written communication of the example scenario since removed, as it didn't come across to me that he reacted that you would be upset. I interpreted the scenario more like @ccpowerslave
> 
> I can't offer more on that scenario as I'm likely to make both of us dizzy. And perhaps wasn't offering much anyway!
> 
> To answer your question directed to me: It's not often that I don't feel understood. I recognize he may offer different views to mine; doesn't mean I'll necessarily agree but I still feel that he gets me. I'm really thinking about this, and maybe personality comes into it. Primarily, I trust his intention. Then it's also that we can both be verbally direct and tone and intent plays a part. He has told me before if I'm repeating something that I've just gone over. Those kind of moments typically relate to something that's just about me and within my capacity to adjust / accept. He may have already offered support and/or listened. If he points this out, it basically brings me pause to recognize that I've gotten myself into a loop. I kind of imagine that frozen circular symbol when Netflix delays. And I'm not sure how to explain it, other than recognizing that I'm not doing myself any favors as a result, and acknowledge, 'Yep, you're right.' I feel in that communication, he's either pointing it out because he knows I'm not doing myself any favors, or it could be he's given all he can with hearing about that. Sometimes both. And personally, I'm okay with both. Reason being, I also still feel heard and supported and would rather he tell me straight than not.


I was joking about having a melt down. (I think.) It was just very ironic to me that you (and another poster) misunderstood what I was upset about when I thought I was being so clear... 

Your answer gives me a lot to think about. I think one thing that frustrates me is that IN GENERAL, I hardly ever feel misunderstood by most people. I feel like I get them and they get me. He's the first friend/lover I've ever had this particular frustration with.

I can get into a loop and think out loud in a way that I know drives men crazy, but when he tells me "you already told me that" it's because he thinks I'm going to retell a story that I told him long ago. 90% of the time I have something completely new to tell him, but what if I was going to repeat a story? Would that really be so freaking awful? He repeats stories all the time and I don't mind at all, in fact I love hearing his stories. That's when I feel closest to him, when he's telling me things about himself and his life. I am tempted to say "you already told me that!" but then he'd stop and I wouldn't get to hear the story again.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He sounds pretty set in his ways. There are people who will just take the opposing view no matter what you're talking about. I have a friend like that. I had a serious talk with her about it several years ago after she was completely dismissive when I was trying to help her as she was getting ready to have to buy another used car. I mean I worked in an auto dealership at one time plus my dad used to sell cars as a hobby. It didn't matter what I told her she took the opposite view.
> 
> Then to add insult to injury, she talked to her brother-in-law about it who doesn't even know as much about it as I do and she just assumed everything he said was gospel. It's insulting.
> 
> ...


Thanks - we're not actually married. I joke that he has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). He has definitely gotten better with me though. Part of it is just spending more time together and learning how to not push each other's buttons. I think I'm ADD, I don't know about him. It's possible. He is NOT a good listener and he acknowledges this. We'd have a conversation where he would keep talking and I'd respond and then he'd just keep talking like I'd never said a word. 

THE GOOD NEWS THOUGH is describing this I'm realizing how much better he's gotten about that. I'm realizing he really is trying and changing for me. 

Your friend is a real piece of work. I hope she got a terrible deal on her car, LOL! Did she change at all after your serious talk? She sounds a bit like my mom. I used to do little experiments with my mom just putting an idea out there knowing she would take the opposite view.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Openminded said:


> My (female) opinion: Not everything has to be clarified to the level you might want. Sometimes you just need to let things go.


Thank you. It helps knowing you're a woman saying that, LOL


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

FarmTownGirl said:


> ... and I get excited that HE is excited about the topic. But he does not return the favor when something interests me.


I would not like this. Batman and I both demonstrate interest in the other.

Wait, that statement has a caveat. I know if I want to discuss my fave musician, he will actively listen and engage... to a point. However, my brother is more suited to share in those long rambled analysis as he shares that interest with me. And I know my brother and his wife have a similar dynamic with those specific discussions.

However, Batman and I can both talk ALOT. A very recent example, my intention to have a 10 minute cup of tea away from study became an hour later, and I had to wrap up the conversation which he initiated to get back to studying (he's supportive of that). The topic started with historical social movements within China, to then other countries, to shifts of power, Foucault got a mention, then neoliberalism... the tea break that followed that one, was sharing animal clips on youtube. Just a quick glimpse of what goes on in the Batcave. Other times it's more personal, reflections, hobbies...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Is marriage counseling an option for _both_ of you to work on your communication?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

FarmTownGirl said:


> I was joking about having a melt down. (I think.) It was just very ironic to me that you (and another poster) misunderstood what I was upset about when I thought I was being so clear...
> 
> Your answer gives me a lot to think about. I think one thing that frustrates me is that IN GENERAL, I hardly ever feel misunderstood by most people. I feel like I get them and they get me. He's the first friend/lover I've ever had this particular frustration with.
> 
> I can get into a loop and think out loud in a way that I know drives men crazy, but when he tells me "you already told me that" it's because he thinks I'm going to retell a story that I told him long ago. 90% of the time I have something completely new to tell him, but what if I was going to repeat a story? Would that really be so freaking awful? He repeats stories all the time and I don't mind at all, in fact I love hearing his stories. That's when I feel closest to him, when he's telling me things about himself and his life. I am tempted to say "you already told me that!" but then he'd stop and I wouldn't get to hear the story again.


Yes, I caught the irony too.

'You already told me that..' depends on tone, intention, and trust as to how I would take that. I could imagine it said in such a way that is dismissive and rude. I think if you do it back to him and he shuts down, I'm guessing it's because he'd sense you're being salty about it? However, if he shuts down, it could be communication to you that he's now closing off from you, like a punishment. It could also be interpreted by you that if he is someone that does this, is it worth your while to essentially be treading on egg-shells? Unless of course, he would just stop talking as he acknowledges that he's already told you that and doesn't need to again. 

Have you asked him, 'So what if I was going to repeat a story?'


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

How long have you been together?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

FarmTownGirl said:


> But then he reacted like he believed *I would be upset if he didn't act on an idea I had*. Now we have to get a bag of ice at the gas station because I suggested something he didn't want to do. we couldn't just go back to his original idea.


FTG, a big part of a problem we have is we can't see the inflections in yours or his voice or y'all body language when these verbal shoot outs are going on. For example, responding with the word "fine" can have dramatically different meanings depending on how its said. My take at this point is to believe you want confirmation that he's listening by him doing it your way. Going back to your "ice" example, it didn't sound like he misunderstood you. He understood exactly what you said. And you did get upset when he didn't act on your idea.
Here's the thing. you both had logical reason for handling the ice--take some out for later and, it will spill out of the bag. I personally like yours better because it would ensure ice when I got home and I could control the spillage. Nevertheless, I wasn't particularly impressed with the way you framed the question, "why don't we". "We" ain't taking the ice out the bag. "He" was taking the ice out of the bag and didn't want to put forth the effort. What would you feel is he said, "That's a good idea. Why don't you put some ice in a bowl and seal the bag so it doesn't spill?" (I don't know why the hell it would matter if it spilled when its in a cooler)
The house building is a little more complicated. Whether its stick built or pre-fab is a minor issue compared to the other crap you go through. If you really want to know the strength of a relationship, try building a house together.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I mean the thing is, it sounds like maybe he’s into construction or something. 

Let’s say my wife is a baker and she is going to make cookies. I don’t bake really, but I watched a show on a new kind of flour for cookies so I ask her about it. 

She says, “Nah... I don’t trust that stuff.”

I could tell her I watched a show with experts who said it is amazing. “Good for them!”

I could make a survey on google docs and ask that experts respond on the efficacy of this flour and then share the results with her.

I could go out and get a bag of it and then when she’s not looking grab her recipe and duplicate it with the new flour and then surprise her!

What exactly am I winning other than pissing her off? Being right isn’t that important for most things if it makes you miserable. If it’s life and death, yes being right is important even if someone gets angry. Otherwise not so much in my opinion.

If your SO wants to be an expert at something maybe you bend on it even if he’s wrong because you love him. Now if he’s an expert at everything then I sympathize with you OP and you might be onto something.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

FarmTownGirl said:


> hahaha OH MY GOD, I'm going to have a melt down. Apparently I AM the crazy one! Now I feel REALLY misunderstood. I did not *care *about doing the thing, *that *was my point.
> 
> He made a suggestion - grab that bag of ice.
> 
> ...


I think the issue is pretty simple. You sound like the type of woman I would describe as a lot of work. Your boyfriend is the kind of guy who doesn't like to spend time discussing insignificant (To him in the moment) things. So you too are going to need to find a balance. You are going to have to learn to let stuff go, if it's not a big deal whether or not he completely understands where you're coming from just let it go. On bigger issues he is going to need to slow down a bit and hear you out. It's really just a process of understanding and learning how you each communicate.

IMO having someone who is decisive is better than not. Even if sometimes he move too fast and doesn't take every little data point into consideration in making the decisions, its far batter than languishing on and repeatedly analyzing something and not making a decision.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I learned the hard way to stop worrying whether people agree with you. If you can get what you want, just get it.

I've learned that so many people are on the passive aggressive spectrum, that it's much better to decide and implement your own path.

In your ice example, you could have packed the ice to the amount that you wanted and just get on with it. No need to explain unless he asks.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> The house building is a little more complicated. Whether its stick built or pre-fab is a minor issue compared to the other crap you go through. If you really want to know the strength of a relationship, try building a house together.


 Ha Ha. As an Architect I often get asked why I don't do residential work. My response is because I'm not a marriage counselor.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FarmTownGirl said:


> I've had terrible taste in men in the past and I think I'm pretty traumatized with emotional baggage.
> 
> I finally found someone where 90% we "just work" and are really happy. He is a really good, solid guy and I've never been happy and comfortable this way in a relationship. Mostly.
> 
> ...


A few questions your grandmother would have posed - is he misunderstanding you to the point he sits on his arse all day and is chronically unemployed/underemployed?

- Is he misunderstanding you to the point he is falling down drunk or using drugs?

- is he misunderstanding you to the point he is abusing, neglecting or abandoning you?

- is he misunderstanding you to the point he is not loving you and showing you affection and giving you orgasms? 

-is he misunderstanding you to the point he would neglect his children to the point of harm?’

- is he misunderstanding you to the point the roof is leaking every time it rains and the cars won’t run?

-is he misunderstanding you to the point he is hooking up with other women?

I can go on but hopefully you are getting my point. 

If not my point her is whether he is fulfilling the job description of boyfriend and performing the tasks you require of a BF/SO/husband or is he not.

Here is the bottom line - he is not a clone of you or your double. He is a separate and individual human being. Forget all this Jeryy McGuire “complete me” bullshyte. He is not going to understand you completely and thoroughly 100% because he is NOT YOU.

But as long as he is doing the job you require of a partner and not dropping the ball on your critical criteria of a BF, you’re going to have to live without a completely merging of your soul.


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

FarmTownGirl, you sound like a cool person, but I have to agree with HappyHusband - you sound like a lot of work. 

Like many of us, you have this emotional need, and over time it becomes a gaping hole in the relationship that you keep trying to get your partner to fill. I'm not trying to sound Zen here, but sometimes a bag of ice is just a bag of ice, and a plan is just a plan. You didn't need to make either of those things about you, but you did (I understand it was just an example...). Men aren't so complex, we want to minimize pain and maximize pleasure, so here he is thinking "cool, I get to go to the beach, see my woman in swimsuit, drink beer...". and then suddenly he's thrown into this complex emotional issue with you that he does not understand and cannot win. The plan for a great day spoiled because of a bag of ice! Sometimes that happens in relationships, but over time its just exhausting, and its just easier to go spend time with friends or do things on your own. If you need some deep validation, I bet he could give you that. Just set aside some time with him when your both in a good mood and get some eye contact going. Show him your soul and let him show you his. Minefields are not safe places and you'll never get the validation your craving that way. Keep putting those up and pretty soon you'll never see that soulful side of him. 

Don't overlook your need for validation. It sounds like that's an old issue for you and something you should spend time and energy towards addressing. Just don't look to him to fix it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Yes she made an effort to stop contradicting me all the time. the funny thing about her is she thinks she's being positive. And she only tries to contradict you to be positive. so one of the things I told her that got through to her was that about the most negative thing you can do is contradict everything someone says. She was like that with her daughter too and her daughter became a cutter because she wasn't allowed to express herself without being contradicted and being told something was good when it wasn't.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> A few questions your grandmother would have posed - is he misunderstanding you to the point he sits on his arse all day and is chronically unemployed/underemployed?
> 
> - Is he misunderstanding you to the point he is falling down drunk or using drugs?
> 
> ...


And if you DO require a man be completely fused into your soul and perfectly understand your every whim and your every motive and your ever thought, feeling and desire - you will search for an eternity because there is only one you. 

Your clone and alternate universe you does not exist.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many people have one track minds. 

Once they come to a conclusion they find it hard to waver from it.
We can call this stubbornness, that works.

The fixed signs, Taurus, Leo and Scorpio are often dead-set in their ways.
With rising signs and Moon placement, we can find ourselves, naturally stubborn in other less obvious ways.

Just, because.

Many people are naturally prikly and touchy, not liking to be countermanded.
It is exasperating for those who are NOT this way, to deal with those who are.

Since his behavior bothers you, you also sound both stubborn or self-centered!

Welcome to life.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I guess this has nothing to do with ice, and personally I'm not interested in solutions as to "what should have been done about the ice".



FarmTownGirl said:


> Seriously though, I am okay with someone disagreeing, but I become OBSSESSED with being UNDERSTOOD if the feedback I get indicates they don't understand my point.


Right. That's point 1. And you've said you can see the roots of it in childhood. 

And he, correspondingly, has a bit of a fear of you "explaining" to him.


> He will not even let me make my point.


And you can see how those two tendencies create a feedback loop. He's trying to shush you, and you're trying to get through. Nobody's happy. 

And the reason for his fear might well be this:


> He did have a pretty rough childhood and his first marriage included his ex wife becoming physically violent several times. A friend said he probably has PTSD


I don't know what you mean by "pretty rough" but you may well be triggering emotional flashbacks in him. 

The solution isn't easy, but in outline, you talk about _what's happening between you_, you don't talk about ice and gas stations.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Yes, I caught the irony too.
> 
> 'You already told me that..' depends on tone, intention, and trust as to how I would take that. I could imagine it said in such a way that is dismissive and rude. I think if you do it back to him and he shuts down, I'm guessing it's because he'd sense you're being salty about it? However, if he shuts down, it could be communication to you that he's now closing off from you, like a punishment. It could also be interpreted by you that if he is someone that does this, is it worth your while to essentially be treading on egg-shells? Unless of course, he would just stop talking as he acknowledges that he's already told you that and doesn't need to again.
> 
> Have you asked him, 'So what if I was going to repeat a story?'


In his case I think "you already told me that" originally was meant to do me a favor, relieve me from having to expend the energy to tell him something. And do him a favor -- spare him the 19 seconds of life he is about to lose to getting information he already has.

He would jump in so fast and adamantly when he he thought I was going to repeat a story that I interpreted it as:
"you are so boring it's painful. I'm in a total panic to stop you from talking." (but I swear to God I had only said one sentence so far.)

I told him that he was not helping me. What I got out of it was feeling close to him. He talked over that too, but he must have heard because he really has stopped reacting so strongly. Now I will say "stop me if I told you this before" because I'm really self conscious about boring him, but I realize just now, he hasn't had a panic attack over me repeating something for months.

Oh my God -- maybe he really DID think he was doing me a favor. 

He is very efficient and constantly looking for ways to cut steps. For example it drives him crazy if I peel carrots over the sink, then place peelings in trash when I could have just peeled them over the trash.

PS - the conversation you described with Batman is kind of what I'm looking for and I promised myself I'd go for a guy who liked discussing ideas and things. But he is not that guy. But he checks off all the other boxes and I do have other friends and family I can philosophize with. I don't have to interpret it as he doesn't like my personality.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Thank you, that is SO HELPFUL. I feel like you should send me an invoice.  That gives me great insight. Talking about what is happening between us is what I was trying to do, but I realize I can't do it at the time the misunderstanding occurs. I need to drop it and then if it still bothers me later, bring it up when he's not in "shushing" mode.




Laurentium said:


> I guess this has nothing to do with ice, and personally I'm not interested in solutions as to "what should have been done about the ice".
> 
> 
> Right. That's point 1. And you've said you can see the roots of it in childhood.
> ...


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Interesting, I never thought of myself as stubborn before I met this man. And in past relationships the feedback I always got was that I was very chill, easy going, amenable. But I definitely get like a dog with a bone when he misunderstands and won't let me clarify. Stubborn may be too mild a word.

We are both Sagittarius by the way, which as I'm sure you are aware, is the most awesomest sign of all! ;-)



SunCMars said:


> Many people have one track minds.
> 
> Once they come to a conclusion they find it hard to waver from it.
> We can call this stubbornness, that works.
> ...


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

WOW! You changed her life. That is so great that she was able/willing to make an effort. I hope her daughter is doing better. I have to laugh because my mom who contradicts everything also thinks she is so positive. She loves to lecture on how important being positive is. But he criticism and negativity left a mark on me. I went over the deep end in the opposite direction of letting people walk all over me because I didn't want to be that shrew. Now she loves to tell me what a difficult child I was and how she can't understand why I put up with men treating me poorly (past not present) I just think, well mom, apparently you wore me down. I'm trying to assert myself now and apparently I'm not doing so great at it.




DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes she made an effort to stop contradicting me all the time. the funny thing about her is she thinks she's being positive. And she only tries to contradict you to be positive. so one of the things I told her that got through to her was that about the most negative thing you can do is contradict everything someone says. She was like that with her daughter too and her daughter became a cutter because she wasn't allowed to express herself without being contradicted and being told something was good when it wasn't.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Thisnotthat said:


> FarmTownGirl, you sound like a cool person, but I have to agree with HappyHusband - you sound like a lot of work.
> ...Men aren't so complex, we want to minimize pain and maximize pleasure, so here he is thinking "cool, I get to go to the beach, see my woman in swimsuit, drink beer...". and then suddenly he's thrown into this complex emotional issue with you that he does not understand and cannot win. ...


Oh... I think that is exactly what happened. 



Thisnotthat said:


> Minefields are not safe places and you'll never get the validation your craving that way. Keep putting those up and pretty soon you'll never see that soulful side of him.


Right. Trying to hard to get someone close to you invariably pushes them away. How ironic that I created a minefield for him trying to communicate to him that he didn't have to worry about upsetting me. That's almost funny.



Thisnotthat said:


> Don't overlook your need for validation. It sounds like that's an old issue for you and something you should spend time and energy towards addressing. Just don't look to him to fix it.


There is my challenge. I really do want validation. It's important to me. The way sex is important to him. Let me know if you have any suggestions on how one addresses that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FarmTownGirl said:


> Thanks - we're not actually married. I joke that he has ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder). He has definitely gotten better with me though. Part of it is just spending more time together and learning how to not push each other's buttons. I think I'm ADD, I don't know about him. It's possible. He is NOT a good listener and he acknowledges this. We'd have a conversation where he would keep talking and I'd respond and then he'd just keep talking like I'd never said a word.
> 
> THE GOOD NEWS THOUGH is describing this I'm realizing how much better he's gotten about that. I'm realizing he really is trying and changing for me.
> 
> Your friend is a real piece of work. I hope she got a terrible deal on her car, LOL! Did she change at all after your serious talk? She sounds a bit like my mom. I used to do little experiments with my mom just putting an idea out there knowing she would take the opposite view.





FarmTownGirl said:


> WOW! You changed her life. That is so great that she was able/willing to make an effort. I hope her daughter is doing better. I have to laugh because my mom who contradicts everything also thinks she is so positive. She loves to lecture on how important being positive is. But he criticism and negativity left a mark on me. I went over the deep end in the opposite direction of letting people walk all over me because I didn't want to be that shrew. Now she loves to tell me what a difficult child I was and how she can't understand why I put up with men treating me poorly (past not present) I just think, well mom, apparently you wore me down. I'm trying to assert myself now and apparently I'm not doing so great at it.


Sounds familiar. I didn't change my friend's life. I only changed her behavior with me. Her and her best friend her sister are cut from the same cloth and that's how those two reinforce each other's eccentricities.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Grandmother was a wise woman.
no, no, no, no, no to all those questions.
EXCEPT -- is he fulfilling his duties as a BF/SO. I'm in my 50's and this is the first time I really stopped to think before jumping into a relationship. I told myself there are two things I really want in a man:
1. One who enjoys deep conversations.
2. One who is generous of spirit -- like if someone needs help, he'd volunteer and enjoy doing it.

He is everything I ever dreamed of in a man except those two things. However, If I don't think about those two things I'm *really *happy. 



oldshirt said:


> A few questions your grandmother would have posed - is he misunderstanding you to the point he sits on his arse all day and is chronically unemployed/underemployed?
> 
> - Is he misunderstanding you to the point he is falling down drunk or using drugs?
> 
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FarmTownGirl said:


> Grandmother was a wise woman.
> no, no, no, no, no to all those questions.
> EXCEPT -- is he fulfilling his duties as a BF/SO. I'm in my 50's and this is the first time I really stopped to think before jumping into a relationship. I told myself there are two things I really want in a man:
> 1. One who enjoys deep conversations.
> ...


Then it comes down to are those two things deal breakers for you?

Remember, as a consenting adult, no one has to agree with your deal breakers. 

I have dumped someone because they wouldn't polish their toenails or wear sexy lingerie before. Is that any worse/better than not engaging in deep enough conversation or doing the things for you that you want someone to do? 

are those key criteria that he is not meeting and there for he is not an adequate mate for you?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FarmTownGirl said:


> Interesting, I never thought of myself as stubborn before I met this man. And in past relationships the feedback I always got was that I was very chill, easy going, amenable. But I definitely get like a dog with a bone when he misunderstands and won't let me clarify. Stubborn may be too mild a word.
> 
> We are both Sagittarius by the way, which as I'm sure you are aware, is the most awesomest sign of all! ;-)


Me too!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Thisnotthat said:


> Men aren't so complex, we want to minimize pain and maximize pleasure, so here he is thinking "cool, I get to go to the beach, see my woman in swimsuit, drink beer...". and then suddenly he's thrown into this complex emotional issue with you that he does not understand and cannot win.


I'm a woman, but this. OP, I believe that when a man loves a woman he genuinely wants to make her as happy as he possibly can. Unfortunately, he doesn't always know how to do that. In situations like the above, he feels like there is no way to win, so he'd rather just dodge. He gets worn out trying to sort it out

We all need validation, but you may be getting extreme. You even used the word obsessed. It translates to desperate, needy, and as two others have already mentioned, "a lot of work." That's not fun to be around. He even said to you, "let's just have fun." He's telling you in a nice way that you are not being much fun.

My suggestion is to learn some techniques to self-soothe, and worry less about small issues. Don't expect to get all of your validation from him. Pick your battles, so you make sure you're heard and understood when it's something major.



FarmTownGirl said:


> And do him a favor -- spare him the 19 seconds of life he is about to lose to getting information he already has.


This sounds like you're pretty angry, but from what you've told, it doesn't seem like he was trying to be a "selfish jerk." More like he just doesn't know what to do when you get like this.



FarmTownGirl said:


> He would jump in so fast and adamantly when he he thought I was going to repeat a story that I interpreted it as:
> "you are so boring it's painful. I'm in a total panic to stop you from talking."


Sadly, he could be starting to feel this way, more so the latter part. Many men would prefer that you use as few words as possible, especially when you start to get emotional/obsessive. If things stay like this, it is likely that he will eventually leave.

I'm not saying any of this to be mean. I'm actually trying to help. When needs aren't being met, people can get a little carried away sometimes.The important part is to recognize and put on the brakes. Perhaps look into ways to improve self-acceptance, to help avoid constant approval seeking.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

FarmTownGirl said:


> He's hard of hearing which may account for some misunderstandings, but doesn't explain why he resists my attempts to clarify things.


I don't think you understand how draining it is for a person who is hard of hearing to engage in conversations. If you want a man to have 'deep' conversations with, you picked the wrong guy. If you want a guy to listen to you natter on about whatever you're trying to clarify, you picked the wrong guy (I don't know anyone who would be gung ho for that).

Hearing impairment is no walk in the park.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

happyhusband0005 said:


> OK so from what you describe, you are worrying about clarifying something that didn't need to be clarified. He didn't like or dislike your idea he just figured, you know what we need ice here too so lets get some for the beach on the way. To be perfectly honest I think I would have responded similarly to him. Sounds like your guy is decisive which is a good thing, Your idea reminded him the bag at the house was the only bag, he thought if we take this bag we will need more ice very soon so let's just leave this ice here and get a bag on the way. It really is that simple, nothing else to read into, he probably didn't give it a second thought, it really didn't require any analysis or discussion. You made a valid point he came up with a better solution.


Same thought crossed my mind also, when he said forget it that was my exavt thought. But he was being ****ish for the way he was acting and he should have explained to her his train of thought. Or he was just being pissy and not wanting to go to the trouble and dismissing her outright because it was a change to HIS plan.

There is lack of communication but he also seems like a dik in how he adressed it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I also agree these conversations look like a lot of work. And I'm a female.

If it were me, and my guy's reply to my suggestion that we open the ice bag to take some out to leave at home for later use was: leave this one, we'll buy another one on the way out my reply would be-- awesome idea, let's go!

Not only do we not need to **** around taking and storing ice out of the existing bag, but we get to have a whole bag left in the freezer and get another whole one for the beach. 

That sure feels " emotionally connected" to me. His idea is taking care of me and us. We get ample ice for home AND our beach trip.

If I were with someone who wanted to talk that situation to death I'd want to crawl away.

I think you are labelling "emotional connection" as what's really some emotional and personality traits you personally need to work on and solve yourself, and have NOTHING to do with him or your relationship.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I also agree these conversations look like a lot of work. And I'm a female.
> 
> If it were me, and my guy's reply to my suggestion that we open the ice bag to take some out to leave at home for later use was: leave this one, we'll buy another one on the way out my reply would be-- *awesome idea, let's go!*
> 
> ...


Absolutely.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Livvie nailed what I was trying to say.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If he's hard of hearing you may need to put the important things in writing and keep them as brief as possible.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

So Married, thank you I know you are trying to help and I appreciate it. You do not seem mean at all. ;-)



So Married said:


> This sounds like you're pretty angry, but from what you've told, it doesn't seem like he was trying to be a "selfish jerk." *More like he just doesn't know what to do when you get like this.*


Every time this has happened it did not start out with long windedness, anger, or validation seeking (not consciously) on my part. With the misunderstandings, 1. I would say something, 2. he would completely misunderstand, 3. I would begin to clarify, 3. he would *immediately *get agitated and refuse to let me clarify. Literally I could not get one sentence out. 4. *Then *I would get obsessed with explaining, and he'd get obsessed with not letting me explain.

Maybe there is something in my voice that triggers him, he thinks I'm upset or critical when I'm just trying to clarify what I said. My mom does that, if you don't understand her, her voice rises and becomes more shrill and she seems angry. And *no*, you don't want to be around her. Maybe I was unknowingly coming across that way.

It's just that I've *never *experienced this dynamic with another human being before in my life.



So Married said:


> Sadly, he could be starting to feel this way, more so the latter part. Many men would prefer that you use as few words as possible, especially when you start to get emotional/obsessive. If things stay like this, it is likely that he will eventually leave.


Well the good news is that my examples were old and things have really gotten better already. And with the help on here I'm realizing that no, he is not some a-hole that doesn't care about me at all. 100% I know that when this happens, if I just STOP, it only takes *him *1/2 a second to be back to normal. I feel hurt and frustrated but within 30 to 60 second I can put that on hold knowing I can feel sorry for myself or bring the subject up later if it remains important to me.

I just want to make sure I'm not rug sweeping an important issue because in past relationships that's what I did, pretend I was fine when I wasn't and then become really resentful.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I also agree these conversations look like a lot of work. And I'm a female.
> 
> If it were me, and my guy's reply to my suggestion that we open the ice bag to take some out to leave at home for later use was: leave this one, we'll buy another one on the way out my reply would be-- awesome idea, let's go!
> 
> ...


This makes total sense. So let me ask you: if you were in the same situation and after your gave your idea on the ice your husband said "We have to go to the store to buy ice now *because you don't like my original idea*, and you said "I'm fine with your original idea" and he insisted you were not fine with it, would that bother you? Or would you not even really notice/care?

I wasn't upset about how we got the ice, I was upset that he kept telling me that *I *felt it was my way or the highway with the ice. When I did not at all.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

This is interesting because you misunderstood me in the exact same way he did. (I put comments on that in bold italics in your quote if you're interested). 

But I'd love to get your take on the SIP conversation debacle since you may think similarly to him. So let me clarify (Please ;-) )

He had seen me looking at precut kits for making post and beam homes online. They design a home, cut all the lumbar to size, then sell you that "kit" and you construct the home. They happen to use SIP (Structural Insulated Panels) in their kits. It is not a modular/prefab home though. Has nothing to do with one of those.

When I mentioned SIP for walls his response was "I don't want a modular/prefab home, those suck, not gonna happen, end of discussion."

When I said "I'm not talking about modular/prefab..." he said "I know what you are talking about, you showed me that prebuilt house on the internet."

Now we have two misunderstandings - 1) I'm not talking about the house I coincidentally showed him on the internet." 2) The house I showed him on the internet was not a modular/prefab. And I realize he does not know what SIP is.

But when I say "that's not what I'm talking about" he is like "yes it is, there is not reason to discuss, we're not doing that."

This happened in a SNAP -- It wasn't me going on and on or pushing him to use SIP -- I just asked if he knew about it, he clearly misunderstood based on his response, and the second I tried to clarify he insisted he did not misunderstand and any more discussion was a waste of time. THEN I got frustrated and determined to be understood, and, well, that didn't end well... 

I understand a man not wanting to listen to a woman talk for an hour about her shopping trip, personal dramas at work, thoughts on fingernail polish color, etc. But I honestly don't understand why if it's a 1 minute conversation so far and his wife said "No, that's not what I'm talking about." why he would adamantly refuse to hear and think about what she is talking about. 

Thoughts?



VladDracul said:


> FTG, a big part of a problem we have is we can't see the inflections in yours or his voice or y'all body language when these verbal shoot outs are going on. For example, responding with the word "fine" can have dramatically different meanings depending on how its said.
> *True and I'm wondering if there is a tone I get that I'm not aware of when I feel misunderstood that screams "danger! danger!" to him. FTR - I am not one of those "fine!" when it's not fine women. I seldom get upset and when I do, I try to be direct. *
> 
> My take at this point is to believe you want confirmation that he's listening by him doing it your way.
> ...


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I don't think you understand how draining it is for a person who is hard of hearing to engage in conversations. If you want a man to have 'deep' conversations with, you picked the wrong guy. If you want a guy to listen to you natter on about whatever you're trying to clarify, you picked the wrong guy (I don't know anyone who would be gung ho for that).
> 
> Hearing impairment is no walk in the park.


Yeah, it's so frustrating to him that he just pretends he heard when he didn't. That used to really upset me too because he'd act like we were communicating and he hadn't heard a word. It pissed me off because he was pretending to hear, but thinking about it from his perspective it would be beyond exhausting to keep saying "what did you say" to everyone. Especially with his very action oriented personality.

Now when I say something important and I don't feel he understood I will say "Did you understand that I said xyz?" and I am super careful with my tone - I'm asking a simple question, not complaining at him. And I only do it when there was valuable information for him in the comment. That seems to be working out much better.

I do have a problem with the fact that he has 2 pair of high end hearing aids that were given to him, but he won't wear them because he doesn't like the feeling in his ear. I feel like he can't help he is hard of hearing, but it does affect me and he's not willing to try to do something about it.

On the bright side, I've kept a HILARIOUS log on my phone of things he thought I said. One of my favorites is:
Me: A man is king of his castle!
Him: Penis is fantastic?
(Proving that men do just hear what they want to hear.)


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So when he tells you he doesn't know why you're even talking about it, that's because he can't hear it. 

I was the first one to let my sister know she was hard of hearing and she had a rage fit at me about it and then didn't do anything about it for years. she also got a hearing aid and then quit wearing it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I actually get what you’re saying. The examples are just examples but you feel like he is unnecessarily shutting down the convo and making assumptions about your opinion when you don’t think he understands your actual opinion/information. And assigning various labels while doing the shutting down.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FarmTownGirl said:


> This makes total sense. So let me ask you: if you were in the same situation and after your gave your idea on the ice your husband said "We have to go to the store to buy ice now *because you don't like my original idea*, and you said "I'm fine with your original idea" and he insisted you were not fine with it, would that bother you? Or would you not even really notice/care?
> 
> I wasn't upset about how we got the ice, I was upset that he kept telling me that *I *felt it was my way or the highway with the ice. When I did not at all.


Well, YOU WEREN'T FINE with his original idea. Right? Because you then went on about how you'd have to take some ice out of it to leave in the freezer in case you wanted drinks when you got home. You in fact didn't want to just grab the ice bag from the freezer and go. You shot down his original idea.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Well, YOU WEREN'T FINE with his original idea. Right? Because you then went on about how you'd have to take some ice out of it to leave in the freezer in case you wanted drinks when you got home. You in fact didn't want to just grab the ice bag from the freezer and go. You shot down his original idea.


This is exactly right and why he is annoyed. Can't he just grab a bag of ice he has in the freezer (perhaps bought for this very purpose) without being told its a problem?

I've seen a lot of problems in my life, but this ice thing, it surely is not one of them. I would take a step back on things like this in the future.... it really isn't worth telling someone else there is a problem with their idea over something so insignificant. Think big picture before you talk - ask yourself - is this really a problem to the extent that I need to say something...

He probably knows a decent amount about construction and simply didn't want to do what you do to him and go into a long drawn out thing about telling you how your SIP idea was a bad one.... (They are almost always glued to OSB and not plywood and therefore forever susceptible to any moisture and almost always a bad idea).

Pick your battles going forward or you'll end up with no one to battle with.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

My suggestion is that when he suggests how to do something let it be and if his plan doesn't work out than perhaps he will see it. I am thinking that you see your way as the better way to do things and you want to be heard. You do not understand his logic. Does he suggest a different way to do things when you have made a plan? he might be very tired of the long illustrated indepth exceptions to anything he tries to do and might be shutting you out and that might be why you feel a lack of connection.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I actually get what you’re saying. The examples are just examples but you feel like he is unnecessarily shutting down the convo and making assumptions about your opinion when you don’t think he understands your actual opinion/information. And assigning various labels while doing the shutting down.


YES, THIS. Thank you.
He tells me he understands, that my opinion is XYZ, so there is no reason to talk further. But my opinion s *NOT *XYZ. If I tell him that I am not saying XYZ he repeats back to me that he DOES understand, my opinion is XYZ, so stop talking about it.

This is getting much better between us as we learn to navigate each other's quirks, but I've never in my life had the frustration of saying to another adult "You don't understand what I'm trying to say" and had them say "Yes I do, so stop talking about it." 

He does have very strong preconceived notions about what motivates others, and their usually negative and totally disregard anything the person has said about their true motive.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> My suggestion is that when he suggests how to do something let it be and if his plan doesn't work out than perhaps he will see it. I am thinking that you see your way as the better way to do things and you want to be heard. You do not understand his logic. Does he suggest a different way to do things when you have made a plan? he might be very tired of the long illustrated indepth exceptions to anything he tries to do and might be shutting you out and that might be why you feel a lack of connection.


I think he is very resistant to anytime I start to explain my thought. That may be extremely tedious/painful for him. He doesn't care if he misunderstood me. He wants to move on. I care that he understands me. Apparently to an abnormal degree.

But the conflict is not about how things are done. The conflict is when he misunderstands something I said and I try to explain.

He suggests a different way to do things while I'm doing them, constantly. 90% of the time, his way is better. If I want to do something a different way, I want to explain why. Or if I make a mistake, I want to explain why/how it happened. He does not care and does not want to hear it. He told me once "you don't have to explain yourself." I was frustrated. But then I was listening to a podcast about co-dependent personalities (which I have) and the person said a secure person does not feel she has to explain herself all the time. I thought - wow, that's kind of what he's saying - do what you want, you don't need to explain.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

FarmTownGirl said:


> YES, THIS. Thank you.
> He tells me he understands, that my opinion is XYZ, so there is no reason to talk further. But my opinion s *NOT *XYZ. If I tell him that I am not saying XYZ he repeats back to me that he DOES understand, my opinion is XYZ, so stop talking about it.
> 
> This is getting much better between us as we learn to navigate each other's quirks, but I've never in my life had the frustration of saying to another adult "You don't understand what I'm trying to say" and had them say "Yes I do, so stop talking about it."
> ...


It’s like when someone keeps insisting that you’re mad or upset so much that you actually get mad and upset. 😂


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

re16 said:


> This is exactly right and why he is annoyed. Can't he just grab a bag of ice he has in the freezer (perhaps bought for this very purpose) without being told its a problem?
> 
> I've seen a lot of problems in my life, but this ice thing, it surely is not one of them. I would take a step back on things like this in the future.... it really isn't worth telling someone else there is a problem with their idea over something so insignificant. Think big picture before you talk - ask yourself - is this really a problem to the extent that I need to say something...
> 
> ...


I am getting better at picking my battles, and things are much better.

But my problem was I had no idea we were in a battle - he says grab that ice bag, I say we could set some aside, he doens't want to do that, ok -- so why can't we just grab the ice bag like he originally suggested? If I spontaneously suggest something he doesn't want to do, why do we have to come up with a third, even more complicated course of action? Why can't we go with his original idea if he doesn't like mine? Should I never suggest any idea I have out loud if he already has something different in mind? (Serious question)

SIP - I asked him what he thought of SIP, did he know about it? He said "I don't want a prefab/modular home." Am I a pain in the butt to say I'm not talking about a modular home? Should I have just let the misunderstanding go? 

If he'd said what you said (which I've read about the moisture issue too) I would have been 100% satisfied - because you clearly know what SIP is and have eliminated it from the options you want.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> It’s like when someone keeps insisting that you’re mad or upset so much that you actually get mad and upset. 😂


YES! Exactly. LOL. 
And then he'd say "you're right, I'm wrong. OK? You're right!!!" And I'd want to scream "Right about *what*?" We're both using English words but clearly speaking two different languages.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> How long have you been together?


about 3 years.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

What if in your scenario you ask her about the new flour for cookies and she says "I don't use premade cookie mixes."

Would your instinct be to say "I'm not talking about a cookie mix, I'm talking about this special flour." or would your instinct be to just drop it?

If you did try to explain and she replied again "Look, I'm not using a cookie mix! Why do you keep talking about cookie mix?" what then? Are you frustrated that she doesn't understand you? Or do you just figure she's not interested and drop it?





ccpowerslave said:


> I mean the thing is, it sounds like maybe he’s into construction or something.
> 
> Let’s say my wife is a baker and she is going to make cookies. I don’t bake really, but I watched a show on a new kind of flour for cookies so I ask her about it.
> 
> ...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The first whiff of her seeming angry I would drop it and move on with my life. 

She often doesn’t hear me because I purposely don’t speak loudly because I don’t want people listening to my conversations. 

If she asks “What?” more than once for something not important then I tell her it’s not important and move past it. Every once in a blue moon she will get mad about me saying it’s not important and press it. In that case I will try to pick an appropriate volume; she sees it is not important, and then we’re less likely to replay that unfortunate scenario in the future.

The times I don’t hear her I am concentrating on something. In that case she can talk right in my face and if I’m say working on something where I am thinking then she jumps around waving her arms until I notice. I wear noise cancelling headphones almost all day blasting death metal so it can be difficult to get my attention. She generally won’t do this unless it is actually important like:

Need tall person
Need strong person
Someone scary at the door
Someone who wants to talk to me at the door

The first three I am happy to take care of, the last one not so much.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Well, YOU WEREN'T FINE with his original idea. Right? Because you then went on about how you'd have to take some ice out of it to leave in the freezer in case you wanted drinks when you got home. You in fact didn't want to just grab the ice bag from the freezer and go. You shot down his original idea.


I was 100% fine with his original idea. That was the concept I couldn't communicate to him. Taking some ice out was an idea that popped into my head and flew out my mouth. I had zero investment in the idea. 

The second he said he didn't want to do that, I said something like ", let's take the whole bag." but he kept saying "no we'll just get it at the store." I kept saying "why can't we just go with your original idea" and he kept telling me because I had to do all this complicated stuff to the ice that's too much trouble..." 

Maybe it is a hearing issue on his part. Both hard of hearing and focused on other things at the time. But if your partner is telling you "you're not understanding me" is it normal to refuse to stop and listen for a sec? Is it abnormal/PIA behavior to try to clarify when you can tell your partner didn't hear/understand you?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FarmTownGirl said:


> I was 100% fine with his original idea. That was the concept I couldn't communicate to him. Taking some ice out was an idea that popped into my head and flew out my mouth. I had zero investment in the idea.
> 
> The second he said he didn't want to do that, I said something like ", let's take the whole bag." but he kept saying "no we'll just get it at the store." I kept saying "why can't we just go with your original idea" and he kept telling me because I had to do all this complicated stuff to the ice that's too much trouble..."
> 
> Maybe it is a hearing issue on his part. Both hard of hearing and focused on other things at the time. But if your partner is telling you "you're not understanding me" is it normal to refuse to stop and listen for a sec? Is it abnormal/PIA behavior to try to clarify when you can tell your partner didn't hear/understand you?


But you weren't fine with grabbing the bag and going. Otherwise, your idea wouldn't have "flown out of your mouth". 

All of the talk and analysis would drive me batshit crazy.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> But you weren't fine with grabbing the bag and going. Otherwise, your idea wouldn't have "flown out of your mouth".
> 
> All of the talk and analysis would drive me batshit crazy.


Are you honestly telling me that your spouse has to act on every suggestion you ever voice or your "not ok" ???

And that if you reject a suggestion of your spouses and he says "no problem, your original idea is fine" you would insist on coming up with a new, more complex plan, because it's obviously "not ok" or he never would have spoken, and then get super impatient with him and feel "batshit crazy" if he repeated that your original idea was fine with him? Seriously?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

All I know is that this thread has me questioning my sanity.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FarmTownGirl said:


> Are you honestly telling me that your spouse has to act on every suggestion you ever voice or your "not ok" ???
> 
> And that if you reject a suggestion of your spouses and he says "no problem, your original idea is fine" you would insist on coming up with a new, more complex plan, because it's obviously "not ok" or he never would have spoken, and then get super impatient with him and feel "batshit crazy" if he repeated that your original idea was fine with him? Seriously?


I'm saying all of the talk and analysis would make me want to not talk to you at all.

I am not even going to try to process what you wrote, above. It's why he said to you: it's just ice, stop talking about it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

....but because you asked, generally, yeah, you presented an alternative. People do that when they aren't completely on board with a plan or suggestion.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Some people are simply over talkers. They talk something to death. Often times, like this ice situation, is what my dad would say....a mountain over a mole hill. 

Hey hon, how about we grab this ice for our trip?
Babe, maybe we should leave some for when we get home.
You know what it’s probably easier to grab some from the store instead.
Cool beans...

That is how that conversation should have played out....just sayin.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think @FarmTownGirl ’s last post to me kind of illustrates whats she’s having trouble with a bit better than the ice example.

Her SO is either literally not hearing her or is starting to hear her and then his brain is extrapolating her words and arriving at an incorrect conclusion of what she is trying to communicate. Once there he stops listening.

I can see how this would be frustrating. I have been guilty of it myself from time to time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems pretty evident that his choosing to not wear hearing aids means he is choosing to not be present with you. That can be frustrating and lonely for the partner.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

FarmTownGirl said:


> We're both using English words but clearly speaking two different languages.


Yep, you speak female and he speaks male. 😆



FarmTownGirl said:


> Are you honestly telling me that your spouse has to act on every suggestion you ever voice or your "not ok" ???
> 
> And that if you reject a suggestion of your spouses and he says "no problem, your original idea is fine" you would insist on coming up with a new, more complex plan, because it's obviously "not ok" or he never would have spoken, and then get super impatient with him and feel "batshit crazy" if he repeated that your original idea was fine with him? Seriously?


See, this is what people are talking about. You could have said, "Really?" or asked her to elaborate on why. Instead, it comes off like a bit of a tirade. 

You seem to get easily frustrated when someone sees things differently than you do. I get that you don't feel heard/understood, you nailed it earlier with the secure person doesn't need to explain herself all the time.

Becoming a secure person is something only you can do for yourself (and it's usually a work in progress type of thing).


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

My wife would do the same thing with the ice and I am left shaking my head. We have an ice maker now. Getting ready to go and she is like throwing all this crap together that we will never use during the trip. It’s just in case. 😂😂😂🤣🤣


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FarmTownGirl said:


> In his case I think "you already told me that" originally was meant to do me a favor, relieve me from having to expend the energy to tell him something. And do him a favor -- spare him the 19 seconds of life he is about to lose to getting information he already has.
> 
> He would jump in so fast and adamantly when he he thought I was going to repeat a story that I interpreted it as:
> "you are so boring it's painful. I'm in a total panic to stop you from talking." (but I swear to God I had only said one sentence so far.)
> ...



It isn’t that you are boring him. I don’t like being told something twice as if I am a child and need to be reminded. 

I actually think my wife is forgetting that she has told me things 3 or 4 times already. She will go over some things as if it was for the first time.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey @FarmTownGirl ,

I've been reading along for all five pages, and honestly it took me this long to think about what is going on here. Just so you know a little about me, I am a lady, almost 60, my dear hubby died in 2017, and I remarried my current beloved hubby in 2019. So I'm not young, I'm not a guy, and I've been in long-term, committed relationships.

When I read your "example", I have to confess, as I read it I was exhausted. For several days now, I have been tossing around in my head what happened, what you wanted or expected, what you intended, etc. and to be honest, it just does not make a lot of sense to me! I just know that as I read it and as I thought about it, I felt exhausted. 

SOOOOOO...let's look at your example. [BTW, I know you've given other thoughts and examples, but this one is a medium good one to examine, so I'm focusing on it.] Okay here we go:



FarmTownGirl said:


> We're rushing around to leave for the beach.
> He say's "lets take this bag of ice that's in the freezer." It's our only ice.
> I say "sure, why don't we take some out now and put it in a bowl in case we want drinks when we get home?"
> He says: "Forget it, that's too much trouble. We'll buy a bag at the gas station."
> ...


Alrighty, I'm going to pause right here. From him, I hear that he's looking forward to getting to the beach with the least amount of fuss possible. It seems/sounds like he's one of those guys who is efficient, and also maybe like he is a problem-solver. When the ice is initially proposed, he's likely thinking something like: "While we are at the beach it would be nice to have ice for our drinks. What is the most efficient way to get ice? Ah, we have a bag in the freezer." And that's likely ALL he's thinking...efficiency, not emotion. 

You propose something, and he sees the efficiency go out the window. It delays departing to the beach AND becomes a mess AND it's kind of a hassle (remember...least fuss possible). Thus, the idea of bringing the bag from the freezer is no longer efficient and it is thrown out the window. Problem solve: next most efficient option? Pick up another bag. Okay DONE, we have a plan. No fuss needed...continue with Operation "Depart for Beach"

On your side, look what you wrote: "_Does he think I'll be upset if he doesn't like my idea? I don't care if we don't use my idea, this bag is here and handy_. It suddenly becomes important to me that he understand I'm not so touchy that he can't just say 'I don't want to rip the bag open.' " Do you note that YOU projected onto him that "he might think you'll be upset" and/or that "he might think you are so touchy he can't say things to you"? See that? That wasn't on his mind AT ALL, but it was on YOUR mind. I think you put what you were thinking about "on him" and then tried to explain to him what was actually your thoughts, not his. So he's on track A-- "Operation Depart for Beach" moving forward efficiently--and you are on track B "He will think I'm upset or touchy!" and he's completely caught off-guard. His mind isn't even close to there! 

Then there's this exchange:
_I say "That's okay we can take this one, it was just an idea."
He says "Forget it, that's too much trouble, you want to rip the bag open, ice will spill, it doesn't need to be complicated. We'll just get one at the gas station."
I say "No, we don't have to open it, it was just a suggestion..."
He says "We'll get one at the gas station, it's just a bag of ice, it doesn't need to turn into such an issue."_

See? He explained himself and you didn't hear HIM. He says "No worries. I'm cool. Just don't want to make it complicated. I have another plan. All is well."  

So if part of your side was that "it was just an idea" and you were worried he'd think you were upset or touchy, you would have heard "All is cool" and thought "Okay he's alright and life is good" and let it go. But you didn't. You pushed some more! So clearly, the concern wasn't "it was just an idea." It was something more than an idea. 

In our house, just the other night, we had an incident similar to this. My beloved hubby, @Emerging Buddhist , was adding ice to an icepack and the hole to add the ice was not a lot larger than the size of our ice cubes..and ice cubes were flying. (It was a little funny ) Anyway, I suggest he take one of our wider mouth tall drinking glasses, get the cubes, and then pour the cubes into the icepack. He didn't really want to do that at the time, and I said, "Cool" and walked away. I figured, if he wanted to keep going his way, he'd be the one picking up the flying ice cubes! LOL And if he thought about it and want to try my way...hey who knows if it would work for him or not? It was literally "just an idea." A few days later, I found out he did try it (when he was ready), and it did work, and we didn't have a fuss about what he thought of me or letting go of it or making him try my way or ANYTHING. 

My point here is just that as I look over just this beginning part of the ice bag incident, I don't see any way that your BF/SO could have "won" or done what was right in your eyes. I mean, right here...at this point...what did you want him to do? What could he have said that would have made you say, "Oh, okay. You heard me." Now I'm fairly creative, and I even like to imagine all the possibilities even if I personally think it's a "bad idea" because maybe it's a good idea to you! How would I know, right? But I honestly don't see an option to do or say "the right thing" (which is essentially what most people want to do if they actually are loving...they just want a chance to do the thing that leads to making you and/or them happy). 

He thinks of bringing ice. He thinks of the bag in the freezer. You suggest opening the bag and saving some. He thinks that's messy and says he wants to buy it on the way. You say let's take this one it was just an idea. He says that picking one up is no problem and he's good...he just didn't want the fuss. And somewhere in here YOU feel unheard, un-understood, like he thinks you're upset, and like he thinks you're touchy. Do you want him to say, "Oh I hear you think I may have misunderstood that you're upset. I am not thinking that"? Do you want him to just break open the ice bag to show you? See...there is just no way to get to "Wow I really made her happy! Yay me!" 

Let's continue with your example:


> I feel dismissed and frustrated but I drop it. We get ready and go, getting ice at the ice station. Now we're driving along and *I'm hyper focused on the idea that he thinks I can't handle him not acting on every whimsical idea I have*. I bring the subject up --
> 
> Me: About the ice, I just wanted you to know that I didn't care if you didn't use my idea.
> Him: It's just a bag of ice, don't worry about it.
> ...


See the part I bolded and underlined above? Did ya notice that is YOU who is hyperfocused on what YOU suspect he might be feeling? He has in no way, shape, or form communicated that he's thinking "Oh that darn @FarmTownGirl can't handle it if I don't act on every whim" (or something). That's in your head, not his. He's likely driving along thinking, "Woohoo! On to the beach, did it efficiently, least possible fuss, AND fixed the ice deal." He even at one point said to you "Forget it, that's too much trouble" and then offered a solution that was not too much trouble! Funnily enough, I think the person who is not hearing the other may be you, because in every conceivable way--words, actions, body-language, you name it--he has communicated that he is alright, he is happy to be heading to the beach, and he is past the ice incident and onward to the future. YOU aren't hearing HIM. 

What you are hearing is the voices inside your own head. The ones that say "He will think you're upset" or "He'll think you're that type of girl that's all touchy" or as you said yourself "He thinks you can't handle it if he doesn't do your every little whim." See, that is YOUR head telling you that, not him. 

And again, in this part of the example, you catch him off-guard. His head is SO NOT THERE (he's driving along happily thinking "Solved that ice thing and got us on the road! I'm awesome" and suddenly you want to explain why you're not touchy. WHAT? Where'd that come from? He even says "Hey babe, it was ice. No biggie. Let's drop it and have fun." That's his way of saying "I'm good and you don't need to worry" but you don't want to hear that and persist. Like I said, I'm a lady and it took me several days just to figure it out this far--he's been smacked upside the head in the moment and probably can't figure out what you're saying or why! LOL

Alrighty, final part:


> About him:
> 
> He's hard of hearing which may account for some misunderstandings, but doesn't explain why he resists my attempts to clarify things.
> he's definitely a "manly man" which I LOVE about him, absolutely LOVE, but he's not really interested in thoughts, ideas, feeling, philosophizing, etc. Very action oriented. We have rewarding (to me) conversations occasionally, but they are me asking him about himself. He lets me talk about myself but never probes and is super quick to tell me "I've already told him that" (when actually I haven't told him the point I'm about to make). On the other hand sometimes he surprises me with deep insight into my thoughts and motivation when I thought he wasn't listening at all.


Now these two parts here mean A LOT MORE than I suspect you know. My own Beloved Buddhist is also hard of hearing, and it's not "I didn't hear you so I didn't understand you...please clarify." It's literally a day and night struggle to try to make sense of what's being said around you and what noises are around you. I have an idea that might help you: get a pair of those earplugs you can get at the drugstore (to wear when your spouse snores), and wear them ALL DAY. Pick a "typical" day...and I bet you within a couple hours you'll start to lose your mind. You can't take phone calls well. You can't hear co-workers well. Your brain TRIES AND TRIES to hear and make sense and puzzle it out...and your head just gets tired! And worst of all, people will say something to you--maybe from the side or facing away from you--and if you say, "Could you say that again?" they just dismiss you like you're not worth taking the time to repeat it. Or they'll say it, but to the person standing next to you who can hear (like you aren't even there)! I'm telling you, the difficulty with hearing is more than you realize (not like he's hiding it, but being a hearing person you just haven't experienced how it is), and I suspect it would do your relationship a world of good for you to try to understand him and what "hard of hearing" is like. He can't just stick in hearing aides and "poof" now he can hear! Nope!! There are noises but it's like hearing stuff in a tin can, and it's absolutely not distinguishable. 

NEXT, you mention he's a manly man, action-oriented, etc. and I was thinking that maybe you two just have fairly different personality types. According to Myers-Briggs, there are 16 personality types: Introvert or Extrovert, Intuitive or Sensing, Thinking or Feeling, Judging or Perceiving. Introvert/Extrovert is how you personally recharge your inner battery--is it within yourself or with other people? Intuitive/Sensing is how you gather information--is it by using your senses or is it by just sort of "knowing"? Thinking/Feeling is the lens by which you interpret the information you gather--is it via your mind and analytics or via your feelings and emotions? And Judging/Perceiving is how you categorize the information you gather--is it "by the rules" and black&white or is it variable and interpreted by 1000 shades of gray? You two can each take the test here and find out: Free personality test | 16Personalities

As an example, I myself am an INFP, but I am about 60/40 Introvert (so that I can relate pretty well with an Extrovert), about 80/20 Intuitive, about 55/45 Feeler (so I have strong Thinker for an F), and truly just about 50/50 Judger/Perceiver. It's funny because sometimes it's like "good heavens the rules say it should...." and other times it's like "well I could see a hundred ways that might be done...."  

The reason this is important is because it is YOU getting to know more about YOU...also both of you learning more about each other. I highly suspect you are a HIGH percent of Feeler...and he is just as high a percent Thinker, and the Thinker/Feeler male/female struggle can be fairly typical. Thus, if you two do the test and discover that indeed you are a giant capital F and he is a giant capital T, then it's not him being thoughtless of you nor you being thoughtless of him! It's just a difference in the style of interpreting... well everything. You may discover that you tend to interpret through your feelings and how you feel and "how does this make me feel?" and "do I feel right about this?" ... and HE tends to interprets through his thoughts and how he has analyzed the best likely outcome and "given all the options which one likely results in a positive reaction?" and "how do I do this most efficiently with the least amount of fuss?" 

Once you are aware that you are F and he is T, then you can be aware "Oh, this whole ice thing...might it be a F/T disconnect thing?" and you can see he's not excluding you etc. but rather "just being who he is." Knowledge is power!


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Livvie said:


> ....but because you asked, generally, yeah, you presented an alternative. People do that when they aren't completely on board with a plan or suggestion.


That's helpful. If I have an idea I usually voice it the second it occurs to me. I've been trying to do that less and also if he gets at all agitated, I just STOP.

He seems really happy lately.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

@Affaircare, thank you so much for your thorough and thoughtful reply. I too am an INFP -- Former ENFP. -- getting more "I" with age. And like you still strong in the T. I will see if I can get him to take the test. 

One amusing note -- would you believe one of the things he said about me constantly when we first met was he LOVED that I was so LOGICAL. He simply could NOT have a logical conversation with his Ex. hahahah I wonder what he thinks now... The poor guy! 

You said a few things that really struck me that I'll think about and maybe follow up on later. But one thing -- yes the ice was just one example, but most everyone on here keeps saying he found an easier solution - go to the store.

I'm confused. How is driving to a store and buying a bag of ice easier than grabbing the one right in front of you? 

When I asked why not just grab this one like you suggested, his reason was "we *couldn't *do that because *I *had to tear it open and do all this complex stuff. When I had just said I *don't* have to tear it open he just kept coming back with "we'll go to the store, I don't have time to tear the ice open and do all these fancy things."

I was so frustrated, I know he speaks English, but he keeps telling me my POV is NOT what I am explicitly telling him it is. 

Now I feel much better about it though because I am understanding that it's just his temperament -- it's not a sign that he doesn't care about me.




Affaircare said:


> Hey @FarmTownGirl ,
> 
> I've been reading along for all five pages, and honestly it took me this long to think about what is going on here. Just so you know a little about me, I am a lady, almost 60, my dear hubby died in 2017, and I remarried my current beloved hubby in 2019. So I'm not young, I'm not a guy, and I've been in long-term, committed relationships.
> 
> ...


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Some of you think I'm annoying now? Check this out -- Cortana on my PC just emailed me a report listing ALL the emails I sent asking someone a question where they have not yet responded! LOOK OUT WORLD! hahahaha!!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I think maybe you just take things a bit too personally (that approval seeking stuff I mentioned earlier). That doesn't mean you're annoying. It means you are feeling at least somewhat insecure. Finding ways to validate yourself will make you much happier, help you feel more complete, than waiting for others to validate you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

FarmTownGirl said:


> Some of you think I'm annoying now? Check this out -- Cortana on my PC just emailed me a report listing ALL the emails I sent asking someone a question where they have not yet responded! LOOK OUT WORLD! hahahaha!!


So, how many emails did you send?


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> So, how many emails did you send?


Ha ha, none actually. I'm so busy I focus my attention on the clients who have time to get back to me.

Now that you mention email though, that is another frustration of mine -- Email conversations that don't make sense. I've decided people are in a rush just pick up the phone if I must, but I don't know why they can't just. answer. the. question! Here's an example:

Me: I have two email addresses for you. xxx and this one you're emailing me from. Which one do you want on the web page?
Colleague: Yeah, we have that other email address for xyz...
Me: Which one do you want me to use?
Colleague: that's my abc email address....
Me: Which of the two email addresses belongs on the web page?
Colleague: That's fine.
---- To a normal person that probably means "I don't care." To me I was like "Answer the damn question!"

That is a relationship thing too -- I will ask my guy a specific question for a specific reason, and he will preconceive why I'm asking (incorrectly) and answer THAT instead of the actual question.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have the strangest conversations.


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