# How many months or years to recover from affair



## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse. 

I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members. 

Thanks


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The experts in the field say 2-5 years.

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He talks about that and why. He also talks about what she needs to do to help you get through this... like answer your questions, even if you ask her the same question day after day.


----------



## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

It took me just over 2 years to recover from my XWW's affair. This coincides with quoted time periods of between 2 and 5 years. Therapy helped me tremendously, especially PTSD based therapy.


----------



## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

Thanks guys


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> It took me just over 2 years to recover from my XWW's affair. This coincides with quoted time periods of between 2 and 5 years. Therapy helped me tremendously, especially PTSD based therapy.


*And that's just for those who are so very fortunate enough to have ever fully recovered from it!*


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As Ele and DB have already stated, most experts cite a window of 2-5 years for recovery. For some it's less, for others it's more. For some it's _never_.

And, if the testimony offered by many here is any indicator, divorce seems to shorten it, while reconciliation seems to prolong it. That's not to say that divorce or reconciliation will shorten or prolong in such a way that it's faster than 2 years or longer than 5 years, respectively, but, rather, for a given BS, he or she might heal a bit more quickly having opted for divorce instead of reconciliation, and a bit more slowly having opted for reconciliation instead of divorce. 

But why? Well, divorce essentially frees a BS from the WS (i.e. his or her betrayer), while reconciliation somewhat "chains" the BS to the WS.


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm at 2 years and counting. Am I recovered? No.


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

I think unless you deal with it head on, you never recover. Even then, it changes things forever. 

I thought I had recovered when my H told me seven years ago about one affair that he had had several years before that. I was so shocked and devastated, even though I knew we were having problems, that I protectively shut down. He never brought it up so I didn't either, but our sex life came to a complete halt. 

Fast forward to two years ago and I was involved in an online only EA. H found out by spying on me with keyloggers. He said he finally realized he was losing me and that he loved me, but he still wouldn't tell me the truth of what he had did. It enraged me because he had the truth of what I did in black and white and yet he kept saying, that what he did was in the past, so it didn't matter so much anymore. 
It was only through MC that he finally admitted the truth - one affair was actually five affairs and there had been financial infidelity as well. I only found this out a month ago. So now he is in the basement and we are for all intents and purposes separated in the same house. 
The truth is the only thing that sets you free. If you have any lingering questions about what your spouse did, ask them now. Keep talking and maybe you'll get past it. I think it's too late for me.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell your wife from me that she is so badly wrong that I am considering entering her for the Badly Wrong Person of the Year Award.

You will get better sooner if SHE plays her part. It is her fault, she has to own her stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> The truth is the only thing that sets you free. If you have any lingering questions about what your spouse did, ask them now. Keep talking and maybe you'll get past it. I think it's too late for me.


You're spot on about the truth. Even though my wife cheated and agreed to a polygraph so we could get to the bottom of everything, I also said I'd take one. Mostly because she was nervous about the test itself so I said I'd go first. I ended up finding out all kinds of lingering doubts and thing she had been holding in by the questions that she listed.

I'd have to say the polygraph, which got us to a clean slate on lies, was the best thing we could have done towards reconciliation.

Before you guys call it quits there is a question that you both really need to think on and answer 100% honestly. Do you still love him and does he still love you? If both answers are "yes" then there is nothing you can't overcome together. All the other bullsh*t is just the noise of life getting too loud and confusing. Noise can always be worked on and overcame but there must be real mutual love to be successful.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The problem is that the quoted times are based upon the fact that you have come to terms with the A and accepted that you know enough of what you need to know and the WS is doing what they can to support you in your healing. When your WS is doing nothing to help, and just assuming that time heals all wounds, you are getting no support and therefor will never heal as each new trigger/thought/discovery will be just ripping off the scab before the wound has healed and set you back to square one. If I recall your other postings, your WW is not doing this heavy lifting and is not even owing up tho anything. This will only serve to prolong any healing that may or may not ever take place (and her insistence on your speedy recovery will further prolong it as well).


----------



## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

KingwoodKev said:


> You're spot on about the truth. Even though my wife cheated and agreed to a polygraph so we could get to the bottom of everything, I also said I'd take one. Mostly because she was nervous about the test itself so I said I'd go first. I ended up finding out all kinds of lingering doubts and thing she had been holding in by the questions that she listed.
> 
> I'd have to say the polygraph, which got us to a clean slate on lies, was the best thing we could have done towards reconciliation.
> *
> Before you guys call it quits there is a question that you both really need to think on and answer 100% honestly. Do you still love him and does he still love you? * If both answers are "yes" then there is nothing you can't overcome together. All the other bullsh*t is just the noise of life getting too loud and confusing. Noise can always be worked on and overcame but there must be real mutual love to be successful.


I would fail that polygraph because I can't honestly say that I love him anymore. I do care very much for him, but I don't love him the way a wife should. I also would have to admit that I now think about being with other men. The genie was let out of the bottle on that one long before I had the EA. I should have been more courageous and left. Now the waters are muddied because I turned around and cheated on him. I have a lot of guilt about that, but my therapist says she is surprised I didn't do more, given all that H did and the way he treated me. Still no excuse, but I am trying to be more honest from here on out. 

That's one of the main reasons I insisted on the separation. Even if I am just thinking about to be with other men, I shouldn't stay with my H. I told him that I don't know how long it will take me to figure things out, and that he has no right to demand anything from me right now. 

At the same time, I am determined to take it slow. H has only now acknowledged that he is the one at fault for his affairs. For a long time he justified them by making me out to be the cold B who wouldn't have sex with him whenever he wanted it. 
H is now in IC, as I am, to try to figure out why I put up with the way he treated me for years. Serious co-dependency issues here., 

I've read your story Kev and it sounds like you and your wife love each other very much. You are so right about that, most anything can be overcome with love. I wish you the best of luck in your reconciliation.


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

blahfridge said:


> *I would fail that polygraph because I can't honestly say that I love him anymore. I do care very much for him, but I don't love him the way a wife should.* I also would have to admit that I now think about being with other men. The genie was let out of the bottle on that one long before I had the EA. I should have been more courageous and left. Now the waters are muddied because I turned around and cheated on him. I have a lot of guilt about that, but my therapist says she is surprised I didn't do more, given all that H did and the way he treated me. Still no excuse, but I am trying to be more honest from here on out.
> 
> That's one of the main reasons I insisted on the separation. Even if I am just thinking about to be with other men, I shouldn't stay with my H. I told him that I don't know how long it will take me to figure things out, and that he has no right to demand anything from me right now.
> 
> ...


If that love isn't there then honestly the best thing for everyone involved is to move on with divorce and try to make it as amicable as possible. Trying to muddle through without that love will only leave both of you more "damaged" in the long run.

You never know. You may come across each other sometime later as single people and fall in love again. That has happened many times.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

mattpf1 said:


> How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.


If you stay with them, it will probably take years. And that is just to get to a point where the thoughts of them banging someone else don't consume you on a daily basis. 

But if you divorce them, finally break free, and start dating again, recover can happen almost instantly


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm just over two years out from my H's EA. It has not been fun nor easy. Honestly, if I had to relive the past, I'm not sure I would have attempted R knowing how difficult it would be. And if there were any inkling of an inappropriate relationship again in the future, I'm out. I mean it, and he knows it. But I also have the luxury of my own income and grown children. I know many people feel trapped to stay.

What we had going for us was over 20 years of happy times together and the fact that we never stopped loving each other and that we are very good friends. He also did the heavy lifting and made personal life choices to change his behavior, remove toxic people and places and to put the focus on his family. That did not happen overnight, but over the course of the first year. I also did my part to improve the marriage to focus more on "us" and less on kids' activities, etc.

I am in a much better place than I was two years ago and I am happy to be with my H, but at the 5 month point I was still actively considering divorce. Your wife needs to stop telling you to get over it and instead thank you for each additional day you choose to stay with her. Like I told my H when he stated that he had no intentions of leaving me, the choice to stay married or divorce was not his...it was mine alone.

Lots and lots and lots of communication is necessary. We did not go through therapy but read various books and had hundreds of hours of discussions on boundaries, emotions, etc. We still have talks. Talking honestly is critical. So is transparency.

And my H understands that the 100% trust is gone forever. Your wife needs to grasp that fact soon.


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

yeah_right said:


> I'm just over two years out from my H's EA. It has not been fun nor easy. Honestly, if I had to relive the past, I'm not sure I would have attempted R knowing how difficult it would be. And if there were any inkling of an inappropriate relationship again in the future, I'm out. I mean it, and he knows it. But I also have the luxury of my own income and grown children. I know many people feel trapped to stay.
> 
> What we had going for us was over 20 years of happy times together and the fact that we never stopped loving each other and that we are very good friends. He also did the heavy lifting and made personal life choices to change his behavior, remove toxic people and places and to put the focus on his family. That did not happen overnight, but over the course of the first year. I also did my part to improve the marriage to focus more on "us" and less on kids' activities, etc.
> 
> ...


It really does change your life forever. Yours and your WS's. That was something I made clear with my WW. You forever forfeit things like girls night out, opposite sex friends, lunches with opposite sex coworkers (unless it's a big group), etc. There are a lot of "freedoms" that have to be forfeited forever for a redeemed cheater. Sometimes the cheater thinks the price is too high and R fails. A lot of changes have to occur. As the BS we have to know that we can never trust our spouse 100% ever again. Our spouses have shown us they are capable of the most severe level of betrayal one human being can commit against another. A line that we would never cross, they did cross. Once a person has shown they'll cross that line then they can never be fully trusted ever.

It's a high price living with R. D is probably easier. If the love is there, however, that deep life changing love, and I think you know what I'm talking about, then it's a price that we're willing to pay. I know I've accepted that price, so has my wife, and it appears you have too. I'd rather have this with her then something new with someone different. Good luck to you and your R. I love it when love conquers the noise of life.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Thirteen months past d-day, reconciling, nowhere near being through this forest though. We have many things to work individually before I can say we have made it. Our chances are quite high to make it if both of us continue as we have. I think KingwoodKev is correct that there has to be strong love between the spouses to have a chance. Based on my case I think reconciliation is based on three key components, love, remorse, and ownership. As stated the love has to be strong, love also has to be that you are in love with your spouse. Just to love your spouse is not nearly enough if you are trying to tackle reconciliation.

Remorse, the spouse has to be remorseful. If they don't have remorse I would then question the love they have is real. Or would it be they love the way their life is. That's not love or being in love with your spouse. Some might question how a spouse can love the other and have an affair. If you have gone through reconciliation you will know what I'm saying. My WW loved me but was very vulnerable when she had her affair. Was my WW in love with me during the affair? I can't answer that but if I had to say yes or no I would say yes. My WW is remorseful for her actions as well as regretful. 

Ownership, the WS has to own the destruction, devastation, and the decision for the affair. In my opinion if the WS does not own their decision and actions then reconciliation has no chance of surviving. No amount of love will carry you through reconciliation with blame shifting or deflection of the WS actions. The WS made the decision to cheat and has to take ownership. I can tell you I doubt many WS consulted with their spouse on their decision to cheat. 

Reconciliation is hard and I would advise anyone who decides this path has to be fully committed. Your spouse has to be fully committed, both need to be committed to repairing themselves as both are going to be challenged daily. This is a difficult process to go through, it will take many years, and I'm not fully convinced you ever finish. I believe my marriage will be a reconciliation in progress for the remainder of my marriage. My WW believes the same. 

My advice for anyone considering reconciliation, prepare yourself for what has been the most difficult challenge in my life. If you thought the worst was over on d-day, if you thought forgiveness was difficult, or if you think the pain goes away you are wrong. You will be examining the affair in minute detail, yourself in minute detail, and your marriage in minute detail. You will change, you will be challenged, your strength will be tested to unbelievable heights. But making it, finding happiness, finding peace, within yourself and marriage will be priceless. Good luck in what you decide, I hope you find peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

KingwoodKev said:


> It really does change your life forever. Yours and your WS's. That was something I made clear with my WW. *You forever forfeit things like girls night out, opposite sex friends, lunches with opposite sex coworkers (unless it's a big group), etc. There are a lot of "freedoms" that have to be forfeited forever for a redeemed cheater. * Sometimes the cheater thinks the price is too high and R fails. A lot of changes have to occur. As the BS we have to know that we can never trust our spouse 100% ever again. Our spouses have shown us they are capable of the most severe level of betrayal one human being can commit against another. A line that we would never cross, they did cross. Once a person has shown they'll cross that line then they can never be fully trusted ever.
> 
> *It's a high price living with R*. *D is probably easier. * If the love is there, however, that deep life changing love, and I think you know what I'm talking about, then it's a price that we're willing to pay. I know I've accepted that price, so has my wife, and it appears you have too. *I'd rather have this with her then something new with someone different.* Good luck to you and your R. I love it when love conquers the noise of life.


I agree and highlighted what I think is so important for people to understand. 

I'm lucky because while my H has been a huge dumba$$, he has always been my best bud. We genuinely have good times together and are working on our third decade of fun. My mother always told me to marry my best friend, and I think I did...even during that terrible time when I contemplated smothering him with a pillow some nights.

But I do think that if I did divorce, I would never marry or live with another man. Date, yes. But I would never tie myself emotionally or financially to someone like that again.


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

yeah_right said:


> I agree and highlighted what I think is so important for people to understand.
> 
> I'm lucky because while my H has been a huge dumba$$, he has always been my best bud. We genuinely have good times together and are working on our third decade of fun. My mother always told me to marry my best friend, and I think I did...even during that terrible time when I contemplated smothering him with a pillow some nights.
> 
> But I do think that if I did divorce, I would never marry or live with another man. Date, yes. But I would never tie myself emotionally or financially to someone like that again.



I feel the exact same way. If your husband feels the same way then I know you guys can make it the long haul. I have confidence in your R. I have the same policy. Any violation whatsoever of the new ground rules and I'm gone.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> I agree and highlighted what I think is so important for people to understand.
> 
> I'm lucky because while my H has been a huge dumba$$, he has always been my best bud. We genuinely have good times together and are working on our third decade of fun. My mother always told me to marry my best friend, and I think I did...even during that terrible time when I contemplated smothering him with a pillow some nights.
> 
> But I do think that if I did divorce, I would never marry or live with another man. Date, yes. But I would never tie myself emotionally or financially to someone like that again.



Smothering with a pillow!!! Thank you for the chuckle today!! I always fear my wife will kink my c-pap hose if I make her mad enough!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Smothering with a pillow!!! Thank you for the chuckle today!! I always fear my wife will kink my c-pap hose if I make her mad enough!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hell hath no fury...


----------



## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

yeah_right said:


> Hell hath no fury...


It's funny how cheating changes your perspective on life. I used to think Betty Broderick was a total nut and bitter woman who couldn't keep her hubby so she killed him and his shiny new chippy. Now I can totally empathize with her. Not sympathize because she shouldn't have murdered them but definitely empathize. When the real truth came out her husband had been cheating with the little tramp then dumped the wife who had supported him for years for his shiny new chippy. I can totally understand now why she did what she did.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It will be 4 yrs this May since Dday for me. While it's not at what the first or second year was like, ((thank god)) I am only now getting my footing and finding the real strength to do what I need to do. 

So much changes almost daily, monthly, & if you separate, you have those changes. If you D you have those changes, and if you stay you have those changes... and you have all the changes the spouses affair has brought upon us. 

If anyone has experience a dust storm then you'll understand when I write, I feel like I've been in my own for the past 3 yrs. only now the light is staring to peek through...

Only recently is it feeling like it's been a long time ago now... but still always there... 

~sammy


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

mattpf1 said:


> How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.
> 
> I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members.
> 
> Thanks


I shared some of my thoughts about this issue on your other thread (I'd HIGHLY suggest sticking with just one thread so that folks here can follow along and get the whole picture, btw) but I thought I would share some more thoughts.

For starters, every adulterous betrayal is brutal and traumatic, though your reactions may have compounded that to a degree. 

Ultimately I think you have to ask yourself what "get over it" or "recovery" means to you. I explained in the other thread that the only way your marriage will have a chance is if you can eventually reach a place of forgiveness for her for all that she has done. That timeline can be different for everyone. With that said, even if your marriage doesn't have a chance or you give up on her, it's still in YOUR best interest to find forgiveness for her. Holding that pain/anger inside will only make it that much harder and last that much longer for you. Refer to your other thread for what forgiveness means, but I would suggest making that your chief goal right now.

As far as your wife's thoughts on the matter, she has a choice here as well and she needs to make a decision. IF she wants to reconcile with you (which she has at least said she does), her job is to help you heal and cope with the situation to the best of her ability, become an open book to you and not question the way you handle it. (Outside of obviously destructive or abusive reactions and such) Her opinion of how long she thinks it should take is completely irrelevant, and incredibly disrespectful for even suggesting that she should know the right/wrong way to heal. She still has that simple choice however, and she can change it anytime she likes. Does she want to reconcile? Then she has to commit to doing it the right way. If she isn't willing to commit to that, or isn't happy with the rate at which it's progressing or whatever, then she is free to change her mind and walk away.

So she needs to either step into line and be a helpful resource for you in your healing, or walk away. There really is no middle ground there.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Separately, for me I think it took about two or three months before I reached a point where I was able to forgive my wife. That meant I wouldn't bring it up again unless something new developed. (Like if the POSOM tried contacting her again, or a friend mentioned a new detail I wasn't aware of, or some other new info came up that conflicted with what I was told, etc.) Aside from that, the affair itself was a dead issue.

Other elements could continue however. She still had additional boundaries in place, I could still have moments of feeling sad or something similar without judgement, It could still be discussed as needed in marriage counseling only, etc. Again, forgiveness doesn't mean that the healing process is complete or that you have to forget it ever happened and completely and fully trust her again, but it is an early step in the overall "marital recovery" process, which I believe is your goal here.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Originally Posted by mattpf1 View Post
How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse. 

I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members. 

Thanks


Only speaking for Bhs...65-70% want to stay with their WWs after D-DAY...within 3 years of that 65%+_....70% file for Divorce.....They Cannot get over the Affair and will not let it go....


One Should never confuse Forgiveness with Reconciliation...for they are not the same thing....

I knew I would Never get over the lies and deceit so I filed for Divorce...BUT THAT WAS ME......you have to come to grips within yourself and do what is best FOR YOU....

It will come to you,I promise..you may not like the answer..but it will come...then you will know

Everyone of us here Know what we will accept and when it is over..


----------



## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

mattpf1 said:


> How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.
> 
> I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members.
> 
> Thanks


Its been 3 years now for me and I will NEVER 'get over it' It consumes me most of the day. The only time I don't think about it is when I'm asleep or working.


----------



## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

11 yrs ago my hubby flirted with a woman online and was supposed to hook up with her physically but he couldn't bring himself to do it (I have proof there was no PA with her, long story). While it wasn't a PA and it's been 11 yrs, I'm still not fully recovered and at times it's in the back of my mind. I know some people can forgive, forget, move on,and completely trust again. I'm not sure if it's smart to trust ANYBODY 100% bc we are all subject to fall. I have forgiven and moved on, but I will never be that naive woman again that thinks "not my husband".

Also it bothered me too when he would say things like, "that happened 2,3,4... Yrs ago stop bringing it up". Cheaters, or "almost" cheaters don't realize that's just a consequence they created! You should pay the piper until your partner completely trusts you again!


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

no two are the same, the timing is variable, the outcome varies, success is not guaranteed.

an enormous amount of suffering is assured.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> 11 yrs ago my hubby flirted with a woman online and was supposed to hook up with her physically but he couldn't bring himself to do it (I have proof there was no PA with her, long story). While it wasn't a PA and it's been 11 yrs, I'm still not fully recovered and at times it's in the back of my mind. I know some people can forgive, forget, move on,and completely trust again. I'm not sure if it's smart to trust ANYBODY 100% bc we are all subject to fall. I have forgiven and moved on, but I will never be that naive woman again that thinks "not my husband".
> 
> Also it bothered me too when he would say things like, "that happened 2,3,4... Yrs ago stop bringing it up". Cheaters, or "almost" cheaters don't realize that's just a consequence they created! You should pay the piper until your partner completely trusts you again!


Your story sounds so much like mine it is scary.

To the OP, I didn't deal with my wifes incident the right way at the beginning, and now it is biting me hard. I honestly don't know where it will end up at this point. I keep digging and not liking what I am finding. Even if I stopped digging, I don't know if I can get over it. Ever. 

That being said, you two sound like you need to divorce. JMO.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mattpf1 said:


> How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.
> 
> I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members.
> 
> Thanks


Dear mattpf1,

The advice you've received, that it takes from two to five years to recover from an affair, is generally accurate. However, there is a condition precedent (as we lawyers like to say) before one can expect such a relatively quick recovery, namely, the wayward spouse must be genuinely sorry for what he/she did, completely committed to doing whatever it takes to help the betrayed spouse recover and willing to let the betrayed spouse determine the manner in which and the rate at which the reconciliation transpires.

Based on what you've said, it sounds like your wayward wife's attitude is deficient in a number if not all of these respects and, if I'm right about that, then it is unlikely that your reconciliation will succeed or that you will ever get over her betrayal.

If your wayward wife is not genuinely sorry, completely committed, etc., then you are in what is called a 'false reconciliation.' I would suggest you do some reading here and elsewhere on the web about what it takes to overcome an affair. Here's a resource that describes what a wayward spouse needs to do to help repair a marriage:

http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

If your wayward wife is not doing the things described there, then you need to find our why.

The bottom line is that, if your wayward wife is not doing what she needs to in order to help you recover from her affair, then the odds are that you will never recover.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not normal....can I still reply?

Cuz I have a lot of shyt to say about keeping my old lady around after she phucked a lot of guys.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

KingwoodKev said:


> I feel the exact same way. If your husband feels the same way then I know you guys can make it the long haul. I have confidence in your R. I have the same policy. Any violation whatsoever of the new ground rules and I'm gone.


Hell, if me and Mrs. the-guy had ground rules we wouldn't be in this mess!

But make no mistake the new boundaries are not to be phucked with!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

<<<<<<<< look at my "join date"

How phucked up am I?


----------



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

A little over 2-years and we are mostly there. Somedays are still rough and I expect that to be the case for a bit. 

I learned just how broken my wife's models for relationships were and how little she knew about being a wife. Some days I feel more like a parent that a husband, but as long as she's putting the effort in I will stay in it.


----------



## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

As others have touched on, the answer to your OP depends on a number of factors, every case, and each person and relationship is different. 

It is clear from what you've written that your wife has the wrong mindset, and you both may still be at the starting line of reconciliation. The chance to R is a very great gift for a wayward to be given, and it should be appreciated as such. If she cares more about forgetting her failures and avoiding reminders of her own pain than she cares about the "brutal" nature of what she did to you 5 months ago, well, that's a roadblock in your reconciliation to say the least. I would question if you are in a true reconciliation or an attempted cover-up. 

I got a hint of this behavior from my ww after our agreed reconciliation period expired. Long story short... I didn't tolerate it, I almost left her, and she went all in to keep me around. 

A few years after dday: things are better for me, they are better for her, and they are better for us than at any other point in our ~15 years together... but the affair is still there. Not always, and it's not nearly as painful as it was in the first few weeks, but it does pop up, especially around this time of year. 

Had I let it go and pretended things were fine when they weren't, I would have been playing into some of the same character flaws and weaknesses that made her a cheater in the first place. I would have allowed myself to become a doormat and for my feelings to become subservient to hers. If you're not over what happened (and if it was brutal, and only 5 months ago, and you're still with the same lady, and she sucks at being supportive... you shouldn't be over it), then pretending you're over it serve's nobody's true interests, only delusional ones.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally posted by mattpf1
> *How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse?*
> 
> I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members.
> ...



*



How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.

Click to expand...

*For the purpose of my answer I will define “NORMAL” as two people that do not have heavy duty baggage to begin with, there is true remorse, and both are giving 100% to the R . Also, that the realtionship before the affair was NOT terrible.

“RECOVER” needs to be defined. I am just going to add few questions that may help define recover:

1	Does recover mean that the rage and vengeance is gone?

2	Does recover mean that your other emotions are no longer very raw?

3	Does recover mean that you no longer feel that you are less of a person?

4	Does recover mean that your trust is restored to 100%?

5	Does recover mean that your admiration for the cheater will return to the pre-affair level?

6	Does recover mean that triggers go completely away

7	Does recover mean that the emotions about the affair are under control and not a problem?

8	Does recover mean that your have tender feelings for your cheater?

Using the most quoted time frame of 3-5 years here is my take:

I believe that most of the above can be accomplished within that time frame. I believe that numbers 1,2,3,7, and 8 can be completely recovered by most people. I do not think that 4, 5, 6 can be 100% accomplished by most couples.

I have said before that is possible for couples to get a positive relationship up to a level of around 80-90% when all is done right. To me that is a high degree and I do not think that some couples that have NOT had infidelity have reached that high of a level. To get to that level for infidelity couples they will have to settle for less than 100% trust, great admiration, and accept that the triggers may last for many years and may never go away completely. On the positive side, the couple can work on other areas of their relationship and get them to a very high level. This can get a post-infidelity couple to a very good relationship but not a great relationship.

The romantics will not like my post but that is what I have seen and experienced in the last 20 years of my R. Of course there can be the exceptions to my take but I will have to see it for 5-20 years to believe it. Infidelity is a stab in the heart and there will always be the possibility that any selfish acts by either one will open the tender scar abound the heart and the bleeding will flow again.

Mattpf1, I am not trying to discourage you I am just giving you my experience and it may not apply to you. You are at 5 months and the first year is usually the hardest. However, you can get better every month. I realize that there are hundreds of variables in a couple dealing with infidelity and R so I am giving you what I think is a very good general reality IMO.

Of course there is that question that has a LOT of merit and that question is:

*Are you better off with her or without her?*


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

itskaren said:


> Its been 3 years now for me and I will NEVER 'get over it' It consumes me most of the day. The only time I don't think about it is when I'm asleep or working.


When will "we, (( me & you)) get it," Karen?

~sammy

sorry to hi-jack


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There's no time line. And honestly, you won't ever get "over it" because you will never forget it happened. Brain scar.

Tell her that.


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> Also it bothered me too when he would say things like, "that happened 2,3,4... Yrs ago stop bringing it up". Cheaters, or "almost" cheaters don't realize that's just a consequence they created! You should pay the piper until your partner completely trusts you again!


It amazes me how cheaters will give their "victim" something to pop in their head from time to time, but they want a pass.

That's one of the big things that suck about infidelity and recovery. The BS gets the gift of remembering and reliving in their mind from time to time what they did. What a deal, eh?

Infidelity, the gift that keeps on giving.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I have to be blunt with you mattpf1, having read your other thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/251833-wife-had-affair-2-months-after-we-got-married.html

You are both determined to rugsweep this, you will not divorce her because of the kids, and you will not hold her accountable for your actions. You are already getting the "get over it" speech from her. This is absolutely rugsweeping. 










As others have said, this is on average, a 2-5 year recovery process. The trauma of infidelity is on the level of the death of a loved one, that's how traumatic it is. Your WW is completely unremorseful because she doesn't care about your pain. A truly remorseful WS is empathetic to your pain, yours isn't at all. 

Beware of rugsweeping mattpf1, because the more you sweep this under the rug, the more it will eat you up inside, as you are already showing here. This will build up your resentment. And this resentment will continue to build up until you can't stand it anymore and something bad happens, or you will end up cheating yourself in a Revenge Affair (RA) or worse. Look at this picture:










This is you as you continue to sweep all this pain and resentment under the rug. It builds up!

You are *NOT* in recovery/reconciliation. You are in* FALSE R.*


----------



## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

Cabsy said:


> As others have touched on, the answer to your OP depends on a number of factors, every case, and each person and relationship is different.
> 
> It is clear from what you've written that your wife has the wrong mindset, and you both may still be at the starting line of reconciliation. The chance to R is a very great gift for a wayward to be given, and it should be appreciated as such. If she cares more about forgetting her failures and avoiding reminders of her own pain than she cares about the "brutal" nature of what she did to you 5 months ago, well, that's a roadblock in your reconciliation to say the least. I would question if you are in a true reconciliation or an attempted cover-up.
> 
> ...


Thank you this response is great.


----------



## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

lordmayhem said:


> I have to be blunt with you mattpf1, having read your other thread
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/251833-wife-had-affair-2-months-after-we-got-married.html
> 
> ...



Excellent. I should send this to her family lol


On step 1 the rug sweeping part about no contact and giving up contact ,that was done instant it was to dangerous but that was because of me not her. I scared him away. The part I don't like was the friends toxic friends she was hanging out with. I believe they are part of this step to and should never be over looked. She regularly had 3-4 good friends and when this happened she had all sorts of toxic hood rat friends around her I also made her cease contact with. I played a huge part in this step also and I treat them just as they are the guy she cheated with.


----------



## Xenote2 (Feb 26, 2015)

Sorry if I'm intruding on this thread but as discussed in your "wife cheated after 2 months marriage" (sorry if that's not the exact title) but you will have no closure until you deal with the underlying problem. Her BPD. You wont get what you need from her until you both fully understand the illness. The fact that you took all the initial steps into your own hands didn't even give her the opportunity and for that you can't hold against her. Her cheating is a "symptom" of her illness. There are a ton of people who are in R with spouses with BPD but you can't put a time frame on this mess because there are two many factors. The first step is to forgive. Accept what was and is and make the best of it. You have 2 choices, move forward or hold onto what happened. One is much lonelier than the other. One day at a time.


----------



## hurt forever (Mar 13, 2014)

I'm a little over a year in, when my H had his affair. I still think about at least a few times a day, not 24/7. Even a few months ago we had an argument (about the affair) and I got the I shouldnt be talking/thinking about, because he doesn't even think about the affair. They will never understand because they weren't cheated on. But overall it's still early, so don't make any hasty decisions (rushing to get a divorce) your heart will tell you one day...if it's time to leave or stay. There are days still I'm not sure what the outcome will be.


----------



## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

Xenote2 said:


> Sorry if I'm intruding on this thread but as discussed in your "wife cheated after 2 months marriage" (sorry if that's not the exact title) but you will have no closure until you deal with the underlying problem. Her BPD. You wont get what you need from her until you both fully understand the illness. The fact that you took all the initial steps into your own hands didn't even give her the opportunity and for that you can't hold against her. Her cheating is a "symptom" of her illness. There are a ton of people who are in R with spouses with BPD but you can't put a time frame on this mess because there are two many factors. The first step is to forgive. Accept what was and is and make the best of it. You have 2 choices, move forward or hold onto what happened. One is much lonelier than the other. One day at a time.




I took all the initial steps because she has no idea what heavy lifting is. She can't figure it out. I don't know what that means but i do know a lot of people's opinon on this. She could just plain outright not give two sheits and being BPD Narsiccistic people don't even care about others emotions so this may make it impossible for her to start the process herself but I am sick of even thinking about that out for her. I have done tons of research on BPD I am going to start therapy with BPD specailist not because I have it but because they have treated many women with it and I could use therapy anyways and they can educate me further on it. Bpd or not she can't sit and run idle forever I had to make moves and do things on my own or we would be in a way crappier spot now.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The experts in the field say 2-5 years.
> 
> Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. He talks about that and why. He also talks about what she needs to do to help you get through this... like answer your questions, even if you ask her the same question day after day.



Ele.....I had read those books....they didn't help me. If there is one thing that helps is tolerance of the past but gaining none for the future. Because unless it NEVER happened, its always going to be there. I do not believe anyone ever recovers. We just learn to deal with it being in the past. The betrayer forever has a lifetime of reassuring and tender caring with consistent eggshell walking. That is the real recovery. Yes a couple can move forward. But the betrayed never really recovers. They just grow tolerant to it because they do not have a time machine.


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Augusto said:


> Ele.....I had read those books....they didn't help me. If there is one thing that helps is tolerance of the past but gaining none for the future. Because unless it NEVER happened, its always going to be there. I do not believe anyone ever recovers. We just learn to deal with it being in the past. The betrayer forever has a lifetime of reassuring and tender caring with consistent eggshell walking. That is the real recovery. Yes a couple can move forward. *But the betrayed never really recovers. They just grow tolerant to it because they do not have a time machine*.


:iagree:


----------



## original6fan (Mar 2, 2015)

Since we're on this subject, my wife and I filed for divorce in October 2014. We were so brutal verbally to each other I cut off contact with her in December. Here's the tricky part. 4 days after I cut off all contact, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. We started dating after the 1st of the year 2015. 4 weeks into the dating I started getting cold feet and second guessing, cuz I still had feelings for my wife. On Feb. 10th, 2015 I reached out to my wife. I told her everything. Of course "how could it only take you 4 days to get over a 5 year marriage" came out, and "how could you?" But at the time, I truly believed we were done. But something told me to give her a call and try to mend fences. Problem is, since then, we've had sex twice, the divorce is final, we're still communicating and she seems to be willing to let me fix this marriage. Am I confused, or is she playing mind games?


----------



## Sagitarius (Jan 12, 2015)

I think you are focusing on the wrong question. Instead of asking yourself how long it will take you to recover from your wife's cheating, you should be focusing on what does your wife have to do so that you can continue trusting her. Because, to quote Emily ****inson: "whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon". Once you have decided to forgive her, you have to make sure it will never happen again, ever. Write down what things would make you continue trusting her. Review your list several times and make sure that you're not leaving anything out. And then share the list with her.

Your wife should be very grateful that you have forgiven her. Because cheating is without a shadow of a doubt the most legitimate reason to send someone to hell (and to make someone's life miserable from a legal standpoint). You have a lot of leverage, so don't be afraid to impose your conditions. If your relationship doesn't strengthen now, it won't probably strengthen in the future and you should probably call it quits. Nevertheless, once you have decided to forgive her, you have to make sure you do everything in your hands to save your marriage. At the outset this implies communicating her how she can recover some of your trust. It also implies knowing why she cheated on you in the first place - and evaluating whether you are in a position to make changes.


----------



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

mattpf1 said:


> Thanks guys


You're where I am matt, the 5 month mark and I'm no where near over what happened. Hell, I may still divorce him over it, all I did was tell my lawyer to shelve the work she's prepared until she hears further from me. I watch my H's actions every day and I'm doing everything in my power to just live in the moment only when it comes to dealing with H. 

Even yesterday after Church, he got silent on the way home (he used to do this btw to me) and I asked him what's wrong? He responded with "nothing" as an answer. He stayed that way all afternoon until almost 5 PM, then I became unglued and said to him finally, "how dare you start doing this again to me". He finally told me he's upset about his job loss which ended just Feb 28, the day before (he was given notice on the 17), and he said he was worried about our finances. I told him he needs to start talking to me when things are bothering him because leaving me in the dark makes my mind go crazy wondering what's wrong. I told him straight out, I even thought you were thinking about "HER", missing "HER". I told him don't let that happen again.

See, I'm still very raw about everything.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

SomethingsUp said:


> You're where I am matt, the 5 month mark and I'm no where near over what happened. Hell, I may still divorce him over it, all I did was tell my lawyer to shelve the work she's prepared until she hears further from me. I watch my H's actions every day and I'm doing everything in my power to just live in the moment only when it comes to dealing with H.
> 
> Even yesterday after Church, he got silent on the way home (he used to do this btw to me) and I asked him what's wrong? He responded with "nothing" as an answer. He stayed that way all afternoon until almost 5 PM, then I became unglued and said to him finally, "how dare you start doing this again to me". He finally told me he's upset about his job loss which ended just Feb 28, the day before (he was given notice on the 17), and he said he was worried about our finances. I told him he needs to start talking to me when things are bothering him because leaving me in the dark makes my mind go crazy wondering what's wrong. I told him straight out, I even thought you were thinking about "HER", missing "HER". I told him don't let that happen again.
> 
> See, I'm still very raw about everything.


I'm almost 4 years out, and whenever there is something odd ever, even about the silly things, to the serious things, I always think, he's "thinking again" about her... it is always there...

~sammy


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

original6fan said:


> Since we're on this subject, my wife and I filed for divorce in October 2014. We were so brutal verbally to each other I cut off contact with her in December. Here's the tricky part. 4 days after I cut off all contact, I ran into a girl I knew in high school. We started dating after the 1st of the year 2015. 4 weeks into the dating I started getting cold feet and second guessing, cuz I still had feelings for my wife. On Feb. 10th, 2015 I reached out to my wife. I told her everything. Of course "how could it only take you 4 days to get over a 5 year marriage" came out, and "how could you?" But at the time, I truly believed we were done. But something told me to give her a call and try to mend fences. Problem is, since then, we've had sex twice, the divorce is final, we're still communicating and she seems to be willing to let me fix this marriage. Am I confused, or is she playing mind games?


I think its us that is getting confused. You are divorced.....she cannot be angry with you. If you are even fighting over something like that, time to cut it off for good.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

5+ years out...

Occasionally I travel on I75, recently I actually drove past the exact Hotel my FWW and OM used for sex and for the 1st time did not pause and think about her Affair and cheating. 

Hmmm.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> I'm almost 4 years out, and whenever there is something odd ever, even about the silly things, to the serious things, I always think, he's "thinking again" about her... it is always there...
> 
> ~sammy




About a week ago I had triggered when my WW didn't answer her cell phone. My WW had texted me at work to test her at 3:30. As I was leaving work I texted her. No reply. Five minutes later I text again. No reply. Five minutes later I text again. No reply. I'm now driving eighty five miles an hour to get home. I call, no answer. I text again, no reply. I'm going crazy in the car then get stuck by a freight train. I want to jump out of the car and run!! I text again, no reply. I call again, no reply. I text her cousin who lives a mile from us and explain what is going on. No reply. The freight train cleared and I get about two miles down the road when she replies, "I'm sorry". I tell her to text her cousin that she is fine. She asks why!!! I text " because I've been calling and texting for forty minutes and someone isn't f-----g responding"!!!! At that point I get a long text of apologies. 

When I'm ten minutes from home I texted her with I'm glad you are safe. My mind was racing, my heart was racing I was a wreck. Once I got home I learn she napped with our boys and the phone was on silent. We later talked that night and I stated how I felt and everything that went through my mind. We now have an agreement cell phones do not get placed on silent while at home. I hope this goes away after a few years but I doubt it, this may just have to be another facet of the affair I have to accept. Talking it through did help but some things appear to most likely last as long as the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> I'm almost 4 years out, and whenever there is something odd ever, even about the silly things, to the serious things, I always think, he's "thinking again" about her... it is always there...
> 
> ~sammy


   I can see that continuing to happen.


----------



## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

mattpf1 said:


> How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.
> 
> I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months. Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members.
> 
> Thanks


I am 18 months out and think about it every day or so. 5 months out is way to early to "forgive" IMO. forgiveness must be earned by your WW through her actions and her awareness of what she has done. You need to see a IC like both my wife and I did to gain perspective.


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

mattpf1 said:


> How long has it taken normal people to recover from cheating spouse.


Years, if ever.



> I would like to hear stories advice on this as I'm still having problems after 5 months.


Understand that 5 months is really early, my first false R lasted 6 months and I had 2 false R and one real R (I'm a slow learner).



> Mine was real brutal and traumatic . My wife thinks I should be over it just because I say I forgive her for most of it. She thinks it's not normal for me to still be upset and I need help. But I've got lots of help and now would like some real life advice from members.


Why did you forgive her so fast? Did she earn it or were you just afraid of her leaving?

She wants you to rug sweep and not pay for what she did to you, ask this guy how that works out:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/248666-after-second-time.html

Understand the more you work on the M, the less she will. If you do all the work then she won't do anything then would have gotten away with cheating on you scott-free (and will probably do it again because she knows you won't do anything about it).

This is why I tend to advise BS's to knee-jerk toward a divorce and go as far as filing (it cost a couple of bucks but doesn't do anything by itself unless you decide to finalize later) and make the WS convince you to stay in the M. She broke it, she needs to fix it or GTFO because she is a failure as a wife.

The nicer you are, the worse you will make things on yourself. Hold her feet to the fire and make her afraid of you leaving or else you'll be back her with D-Day 2 like that poor guy in the link.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

How long does it take?

That depends. There are questions that have to be answered. A few of them that I have found:

*What do you want out of R: *

A) A better, new marriage? 

B) Or just to get back to normalcy?

*Are you capable of:*

A) Forgiving?

B) Or are you just trying to forget?

*Did you:*

A) Test your spouse's remorse to the fullest extent by insisting she accept all due consequences?

B) Or did you partially or fully rug sweep the A?

*Is your spouse truly capable of:*

A) Demonstrating sustained, unconditional remorse? 

B) Or do her actions show that the remorse tends to diminish over time?

Some of the answers to these questions won't be realized for months or years. But if all of the answers are "A", then IMHO, you have a reasonable chance for a successful R within a year or two. 

If any or all of them or B; either you'll wind up in a false R or the recovery, if it ever happens, will take years longer.


----------



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Wondered if anyone has experienced this, when making love to your spouse after does it seem different now? Mine seems to do different things and right away I'm thinking it's things he did with her.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> Wondered if anyone has experienced this, when making love to your spouse after does it seem different now? Mine seems to do different things and right away I'm thinking it's things he did with her.



You are not alone, I really I thought I was about this. Anything new I wonder where my WW learned that. If her eyes are closed who is she thinking of. Did she say the same things to her OM. I feel disgusted at times and the affair has destroyed the intimacy level we were at. I struggle greatly with intimacy with my WW as I wonder about everything. I am embarrassed to admit that her affair has made intimacy very difficult for me as it destroys my mood. I have told nobody about our sex life and I can see its coming around the corner in IC. That is going to make for some very uncomfortable sessions in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

drifting on said:


> You are not alone, I really I thought I was about this. Anything new I wonder where my WW learned that. If her eyes are closed who is she thinking of. Did she say the same things to her OM. I feel disgusted at times and the affair has destroyed the intimacy level we were at. I struggle greatly with intimacy with my WW as I wonder about everything. I am embarrassed to admit that her affair has made intimacy very difficult for me as it destroys my mood. I have told nobody about our sex life and I can see its coming around the corner in IC. That is going to make for some very uncomfortable sessions in the near future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We feel the same by the sounds of it, I just don't know how to get past this at this time. I even pushed him away during and couldn't go on. I guess I'll have to bring this up at MC as well, that's going to be extremely hard to talk about. 

Maybe you and I should get together and give them a taste of their medicine. I'm kidding, but sometimes I feel that way.....


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> We feel the same by the sounds of it, I just don't know how to get past this at this time. I even pushed him away during and couldn't go on. I guess I'll have to bring this up at MC as well, that's going to be extremely hard to talk about.
> 
> Maybe you and I should get together and give them a taste of their medicine. I'm kidding, but sometimes I feel that way.....




I hate sharing my sex life with anyone outside of my wife. Intimacy has always been very important and private to me. This is where I'm most vulnerable with my wife, where physically we are in fine as one. Now I'll be sitting on a couch explaining to a therapist what my inner most thoughts on a completely private subject will be. Does sound that we have similar views on intimacy. Even though your kidding about getting together, it would be like looking for a gas leak with a match, you'll find the leak but destroy everything around it. But sometimes that same thought crosses my mind but I'll never act on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

drifting on said:


> You are not alone, I really I thought I was about this. Anything new I wonder where my WW learned that. If her eyes are closed who is she thinking of. Did she say the same things to her OM. I feel disgusted at times and the affair has destroyed the intimacy level we were at. I struggle greatly with intimacy with my WW as I wonder about everything. I am embarrassed to admit that her affair has made intimacy very difficult for me as it destroys my mood. I have told nobody about our sex life and I can see its coming around the corner in IC. That is going to make for some very uncomfortable sessions in the near future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is why a PA is a deal breaker for me. I went through that the first time when my XW cheated on me. Never again. I'm not one of those guys who get turned on imagining or seeing my wife bang another man.


----------



## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I hate sharing my sex life with anyone outside of my wife. Intimacy has always been very important and private to me. This is where I'm most vulnerable with my wife, where physically we are in fine as one. Now I'll be sitting on a couch explaining to a therapist what my inner most thoughts on a completely private subject will be. Does sound that we have similar views on intimacy. Even though your kidding about getting together, it would be like looking for a gas leak with a match, you'll find the leak but destroy everything around it. But sometimes that same thought crosses my mind but I'll never act on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes we think the same, my husband "was" where I felt safe and could allow myself to truly love him without holding back anything. That's all gone now, I'm nervous, I have paranoid thoughts and I just can't be the way I was sadly. We've been married and together 25 years, what's happened has completely shattered how I feel about him, he's like a stranger to me now and at this point, I don't have a clue how to get back what we had or I had at least. HE DID THIS TO ME/US. Biggest loss I've ever felt in my life to date. 



What's worse is I now know he was having sex with both of us over the years, me far less of course. Makes me sick.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> You are not alone, I really I thought I was about this. Anything new I wonder where my WW learned that. If her eyes are closed who is she thinking of. Did she say the same things to her OM. I feel disgusted at times and the affair has destroyed the intimacy level we were at. I struggle greatly with intimacy with my WW as I wonder about everything. I am embarrassed to admit that her affair has made intimacy very difficult for me as it destroys my mood. I have told nobody about our sex life and I can see its coming around the corner in IC. That is going to make for some very uncomfortable sessions in the near future.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


****************************************************** 
Exactly ....I truly believe that is why 65-70% of Bhs want to stay with their WW after D-DAY...but of the 65% +_ who stay better than 70% file for divorce in 3 years....Why

Most Bhs enter into R knowing they will NEVER get over their WWs affair...Ever...and they know it going into R...

drifting on...that is the horror all of us BHs live with...You and I will NEVER know what they were thinking in their Affair..Did they love them...was the sex so good that is what they are always remembering...or what was truly stolen from us...we will never know...Trust me on this....you can never believe what a WS tells you....They have lied,deceived and betrayed you...WHY in Gods name would they tell the truth now!

That is why after seeing pics of them together I burned everyone and everything remotely associated with her affair to the ground...and filed for D

There was a time in her affair I WAS PLAN B....and i am no ones PLAN B...and i knew i would never get over it or let it go...so I flied for D and never looked back..


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> This is why a PA is a deal breaker for me. I went through that the first time when my XW cheated on me. Never again. I'm not one of those guys who get turned on imagining or seeing my wife bang another man.



Not something I enjoyed either, in fact it has caused the worst pain I ever felt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> ******************************************************
> Exactly ....I truly believe that is why 65-70% of Bhs want to stay with their WW after D-DAY...but of the 65% +_ who stay better than 70% file for divorce in 3 years....Why
> 
> Most Bhs enter into R knowing they will NEVER get over their WWs affair...Ever...and they know it going into R...
> ...



I have read many of your posts, if things had been different for me I may have reacted the same as you. I hope you are now at peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

SomethingsUp said:


> Yes we think the same, my husband "was" where I felt safe and could allow myself to truly love him without holding back anything. That's all gone now, I'm nervous, I have paranoid thoughts and I just can't be the way I was sadly. We've been married and together 25 years, what's happened has completely shattered how I feel about him, he's like a stranger to me now and at this point, I don't have a clue how to get back what we had or I had at least. HE DID THIS TO ME/US. Biggest loss I've ever felt in my life to date.
> 
> 
> 
> What's worse is I now know he was having sex with both of us over the years, me far less of course. Makes me sick.



Wow, close in marriage and together also. We have been together for 27 years and married twenty next month. I thought my WW had my back when instead she sank a knife in it. Now in IC the therapist is having me be more vulnerable which I am struggling with. My WW affair destroyed me, I feel pain to this very second. We are reconciling, I think we can make it but it is so difficult. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> This is why a PA is a deal breaker for me. I went through that the first time when my XW cheated on me. Never again. I'm not one of those guys who get turned on imagining or seeing my wife bang another man.


Agreed. Intimacy with her is forever ruined. I don't know how I could ever get over what she did enough to feel good in bed with her again. Not without some miraculous amnesia anyhow.


----------



## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

badkarma2013 said:


> ******************************************************
> Exactly ....I truly believe that is why 65-70% of Bhs want to stay with their WW after D-DAY...but of the 65% +_ who stay better than 70% file for divorce in 3 years....Why
> 
> Most Bhs enter into R knowing they will NEVER get over their WWs affair...Ever...and they know it going into R...
> ...


Badkarma, what is your source on these statistics? I've always suspected the truth to really be something more like what you have here, but all I find is malarkey about "how to save your marriage from an affair" bull-crap. It's almost like people are more interested in keeping broken marriages together than they are in actually telling the truth about how damaging affairs really are.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Matt having read your story on your other thread, it's probably safe to suggest that you will never get over your wife's past affairs as long as you stay with her. 

Even if you leave her, it will take years but at least there's an endpoint. 

Your situation as it currently stands is "eternal agony".

I think I just described Hell. And you're staying there voluntarily.


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Retribution said:


> Badkarma, what is your source on these statistics? I've always suspected the truth to really be something more like what you have here, but all I find is malarkey about "how to save your marriage from an affair" bull-crap. It's almost like people are more interested in keeping broken marriages together than they are in actually telling the truth about how damaging affairs really are.


This is one poll from"So your Wife cheated".. by.Kevin Jackson

Largest Survey Of It’s Kind Reveals Men Still In Love After Wife Cheats
Posted on March 28, 2013 by Kevin Jackson
According to the ground-breaking survey I started 12 months ago – collecting responses from over 1500 men – us guys are much more forgiving of infidelity than previously thought.

In fact, 71% of “cuckolded” men responded they still loved their wives, despite the fact that the wives had had affairs.


Will find the Divorce stats and post...Badkarma


These results are significant, and suggest that the typical male belief that “if she ever cheated, I’d be outta there in a heartbeat” doesn’t hold true when push comes to shove.


PS.."us guys are much more forgiving of infidelity than previously thought"....True but it does not last..." Badkarma


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I have read many of your posts, if things had been different for me I may have reacted the same as you. I hope you are now at peace.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the kind words...Yes i am much better than when I first posted here..

My Anger was so immense I destroyed The Om ...his family...My WW and her family and those around us...Anger is a wonderful motivator ...but there is no peace within it...

I started to destroy the relationships with the people I loved...With the help of I/C ...Ive never gotten the Why from my WW but Im learning to live without it...Some posters here and on other forums..(Mrs. Adams,Fellini and the Verybrokenman)...have shown me there are other ways to cope and survive...for that I am forever grateful...Badkarma


----------



## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

badkarma2013 said:


> Thank you for the kind words...Yes i am much better than when I first posted here..
> 
> *My Anger was so immense I destroyed The Om ...his family.*..My WW and her family and those around us...Anger is a wonderful motivator ...but there is no peace within it...
> 
> I started to destroy the relationships with the people I loved...With the help of I/C ...Ive never gotten the Why from my WW but Im learning to live without it...Some posters here and on other forums..(Mrs. Adams,Fellini and the Verybrokenman)...have shown me there are other ways to cope and survive...for that I am forever grateful...Badkarma


You have no idea how much I still want to do this.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> Thank you for the kind words...Yes i am much better than when I first posted here..
> 
> My Anger was so immense I destroyed The Om ...his family...My WW and her family and those around us...Anger is a wonderful motivator ...but there is no peace within it...
> 
> I started to destroy the relationships with the people I loved...With the help of I/C ...Ive never gotten the Why from my WW but Im learning to live without it...Some posters here and on other forums..(Mrs. Adams,Fellini and the Verybrokenman)...have shown me there are other ways to cope and survive...for that I am forever grateful...Badkarma



I believe each situation is unique with similarities. I haven't once read a thread here that is my story. Not to say I haven't read threads that have similarities. As I mentioned previously I have great respect for what you did in your situation. What you did wouldn't help me, but I will admit its tempting. I have also had to enter IC and I hate it, I never needed help before. However I have learned from IC and I'm in a better place. I think I will achieve peace in the future, as I hope you do. In many ways I think you were betrayed far worse then I was, and I respect your strength. Anyone who can rise up from what I've read that you went through is a very special man. Peace and happiness to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I believe each situation is unique with similarities. I haven't once read a thread here that is my story. Not to say I haven't read threads that have similarities. As I mentioned previously I have great respect for what you did in your situation. What you did wouldn't help me, but I will admit its tempting. I have also had to enter IC and I hate it, I never needed help before. However I have learned from IC and I'm in a better place. I think I will achieve peace in the future, as I hope you do. In many ways I think you were betrayed far worse then I was, and I respect your strength. Anyone who can rise up from what I've read that you went through is a very special man. Peace and happiness to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Though Horrific ...my decision was not that hard...When I saw the pics of her and the OM...I knew in that second it was over and I would NEVER recover within the parameters of Reconciliation and after such a blow, why separate ...to what ends...

As I said ...My anger allowed me to function with a clarity I had never experianced until that moment...I went on a Search and Destroy mission,and that is exactly what I did...

When I was finished my ExWW said and I will quote her" There is NOTHING left but Ashes." 

For once She spoke the truth....Badkarma


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

For the rest of your life. You heal, but you never recover. On that last final day, you'll realize, WTF I stayed....

Life can still be good but you'll never recover 100%

I don't know how people can say (unless they're those codependent type people) that I'm fully healed after xx years...

You've forgive, you've healed somewhat but the truth is, you are not that same you prior to the affair no matter how much you spin it. It's still love that drives you and blinds you to the little pain that stays with you forever.

I know, I've seen it in my wife's eyes for the past 18 years now. I'm not the perfect husband, but I try my best to make it up to her. We still have our low moments but not many (if any) marriages are happily ever after like the movies. You have your peaks and valleys and if you're both willing to stick it out together through all those moments together, then you've built something special together.

Even being the WS, I haven't healed from it either...We go through our own demons with what we did, well some of us...


----------



## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Posted by CH:"I don't know how people can say (unless they're those codependent type people) that I'm fully healed after xx years.."

I am not anti R..I applaud your efforts...But I have seen very few successful cases as the years roll on...Some 65-70% of Bhs file for D after 24-36 months into R...because they CANNOT get over their WWs affair..Bad odds even for Vegas..

If i may take a bit of Literary License with your statement..

" "I don't know how people can STAY (unless they're those codependent type people)...period..... but this is me and only my opinion...

Badkarma


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

From another website by Bigman1:

**********************************************
"Good luck to you on your reconciliation path. As you make this journey, you will need to face some hard truths of your own. I have seen your other thread about whether they would cheat if they knew how much pain it would cause. It is a good thread, but I offer a word of caution.

The hard truth that you will have to accept is that a wayward (not just your wife) is selfish and they realized the wrong that they were doing which is why they hid it, lied about it and try to minimize details. It is hard to face that truth about someone that you love. In short, you are going to have to be prepared to REJECT any notion that this was "out of character" or the result of a predatory AP, or that they were weak or taken advantage of, or lost or anything else. The harsh reality is that infidelity is a deliberate and malicious act. 

The reasons that a spouse chooses to engage in this type of act vary, but in your desire to reconcile, you have to see the ugly, brutal truth. In so doing, you will not rush to trust, you will not rush to forgive, you will not rug sweep, you will be on guard for false R, for them taking it deep underground, and all other things that will ruin your chances. Also, you will have to resist the urge to put your feelings on the back bumper because they are "struggling" or dealing with a lot. They have to fix themselves and help you. It is indeed a hard road for all.

Never make an excuse for her for any behavior. While I don't think a wayward deserves their marriage anymore, that is not to say that they cannot earn a second chance. But they gotta earn it the hard way. While I would not make the choice that you have, I respect your choice to give things a shot before walking away. Good luck and godspeed." 
********************************************


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

badkarma2013 said:


> Though Horrific ...my decision was not that hard...When I saw the pics of her and the OM...I knew in that second it was over and I would NEVER recover within the parameters of Reconciliation and after such a blow, why separate ...to what ends...
> 
> As I said ...My anger allowed me to function with a clarity I had never experianced until that moment...I went on a Search and Destroy mission,and that is exactly what I did...
> 
> ...




Badkarma

If I had seen pictures of my WW and OM I'd be in prison by now. Your strength and self control in such a time is utterly commendable. I have had respect for your posts but the level of respect has risen more now. As horrible as infidelity is I couldn't imagine the anger and pain you must have felt. I thought I went through pain and rage but to see pictures would probably drive me to murder. The mind movies I had were total destruction alone let alone seeing pictures. And to not do these acts with you her husband, I can't even put that into words. I'm sorry for the hell you have gone through. Best of luck to you, you have earned it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

