# Sex stopped in the first year of marriage. Any help?



## wat2do (Aug 16, 2013)

My wife and I got married quickly but I have never loved anyone like this and can't imagine a better partner in every other way. She really is my best friend.

Long story short we couldn't keep a baby because of being too poor so we had to end the pregnancy. Once we got through that there were other excuses. Our sex life has never normalized. Once every 1-2 months is about usual. To be honest I was dealing with it for well over a year but in the past few months I am getting really frustrated. We have talked about this many times. I try to talk to her about it and she gets really mad and says I am just adding pressure which makes her want it less. So I stay frustrated and then she is always asking what is wrong when I get silent. Well I don't want to talk about it and make it worse. Then she gets angry at me for lying about being ok and being a bad communicator. Damned if you do and damned if you don't right. If I do stand my ground I end up comforting her. When she feels secure she gets angry again. This all makes her sound horrible but this is the only place she is like this. She is affectionate and emotionally intimate. She has offered more sex but makes sure I know she is happy and is only doing it for me. She would rather be doing other things. Which hurts and feels like manipulation to be honest.

In the end I just want her to see the importance of physical love and that we need to work it out. How can I get her to see this without having to threaten walking out? I don't want anybody else. I just want her to be an active engaged partner.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Can you afford MC? This sounds like there are complexities here you can't handle alone. They may not be worth handling - but this issue can destroy a marriage over time, and you are already experiencing the first stages. I faced similar issues in my first marriage, but stayed. Other issues and problems developed over time as well, some related to the lack of physical intimacy. Eventually, I could take no more and divorced her. I can only say that I wish I had done that when the problems first arose and were determined to be insoluble - but, I deluded myself that they could be solved, that she could change, and that I could influence her to change.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

wat2do said:


> This all makes her sound horrible but this is the only place she is like this. She is affectionate and emotionally intimate. She has offered more sex but makes sure I know she is happy and is only doing it for me. She would rather be doing other things. Which hurts and feels like manipulation to be honest.


A wife that withholds sex from her husband is not a good wife. Saying that she's good in other ways is like the old joke, "Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

You are right to think that she's trying to manipulate you by offering you grudge sex. Athol Kay calls it "hating you with her vagina." She has set up a no-win scenario for you. If you accept the sex you need, it makes you look weak. If you refuse the sex, you're giving her exactly what she wants.



> In the end I just want her to see the importance of physical love and that we need to work it out. How can I get her to see this without having to threaten walking out? I don't want anybody else. I just want her to be an active engaged partner.


You could try to work through a book like "His Needs, Her Needs." Some women have reported learning a lot through a book like that.

But, your wife has to be willing to work on your marriage. And it doesn't seem like she is. You have told her that you need sex. And I assume she speaks English. So she knows what the issue is. The issue probably isn't the sex. The issue is control. She is using sex to control you and she doesn't want to give up her control by providing you with regular sex.

In the end, you are probably going to have to threaten to walk out. The good news is, you don't have to do it explicitly for quite a while. Work on yourself. Become more attractive to both your wife, and other women as well. Spend time going out by yourself. Make your wife worry that other women are trying to seduce you away from her. A husband who is in demand by other women is very sexy to a wife. That may be enough to get more sex.

If not, then you'll have to move to an ultimatum on sex or divorce.

I suggest you go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP. It's all spelled out in much greater detail.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

wat2do said:


> My wife and I got married quickly but I have never loved anyone like this and can't imagine a better partner in every other way. She really is my best friend.
> 
> Long story short we couldn't keep a baby because of being too poor so we had to end the pregnancy. Once we got through that there were other excuses. Our sex life has never normalized. Once every 1-2 months is about usual. To be honest I was dealing with it for well over a year but in the past few months I am getting really frustrated. We have talked about this many times. I try to talk to her about it and she gets really mad and says I am just adding pressure which makes her want it less. So I stay frustrated and then she is always asking what is wrong when I get silent. Well I don't want to talk about it and make it worse. Then she gets angry at me for lying about being ok and being a bad communicator. Damned if you do and damned if you don't right. If I do stand my ground I end up comforting her. When she feels secure she gets angry again. This all makes her sound horrible but this is the only place she is like this. She is affectionate and emotionally intimate. She has offered more sex but makes sure I know she is happy and is only doing it for me. She would rather be doing other things. Which hurts and feels like manipulation to be honest.
> 
> In the end I just want her to see the importance of physical love and that we need to work it out. How can I get her to see this without having to threaten walking out? I don't want anybody else. I just want her to be an active engaged partner.



You guys got married sooner rather than later and everything was good in the beginning, sex, marriage, etc.

Then she got pregnant. Birth control didn't work? Decided to have an abortion, which has emotionally scarred your wife for a very long time, maybe the rest of her life, always wondering and having dreams. Do you think she really wanted to have the abortion? No.

Now she doesn't want sex much anymore and always seems to pick fights with you.

You mentioned you were poor? Is it difficult for the two of you to both work full time jobs, no kids, share a car and bus, and start saving for a house down payment or even take some evening classes to better yourself?

Definitely marriage counseling though.

When you guys got married, were you supporting her with a full time job, being the man, leading, watching out for her and providing for her?

When my wifee and I got married after only 6 months of dating, we both worked full time jobs, no kids, no debts and rented a small apartment. We saved for many years, bought our first place and only have 5 years left on the mortgage. We also waited 6 months before having PIV to make sure the birth control took effect.


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