# She cheated, I moved on, now she wants



## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Hello all,

Just want to come chat with all about what is going on with me. It is close to one year since D day. I am finally feeling great! I tried to give it a shot but felt terrible about myself everyday. I finally had to put my feelings about it all to the side or I was going to go crazy! Well I did, moved out (I stay a few days a week in same house because I work in town, but upstairs). I wanted to make the best for my child, so we have been playing nice and not moving too fast. My baby is only 6. So, I met another women, she is great and she makes me feel like I should. She loves everything about me, it feels very nice. I feel great! My soon to be EX knows I'm open to other ladies but not "looking". Long story short she is begging me to be back with her now. I love her as a person and the mother of my child but not in love with her like I use to be. I'm just worn out with it all. She slept with another man! I am having big problems eating that! I mentioned before early on (after we agreed to separate) that I did chat with girls online and it made me feel better some about myself. Most said that was a bad idea so I stopped and moved out, started working out ext... trying to better myself. I feel great! I have been going out with friends and having a good time, spending quality time with my daughter and being more myself. I wish I could get over her affair, but it hurts so bad. When I am out with friends or on a date I don't think about the woman across the table from me as being a cheater. (Even if she is) It's just been nice to move on, but I am scared to keep moving in some ways. I loved my family unit. Hope all of you in here are having better days. I can say working on my own life has helped me much.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Congrats Overdone!

As you are aware, almost everybody on this CWI has been where you have gone.

Keep it up, go slow. Enjoy life.

Just two words of caution.

1. Don't let ex cheater wife lure you back in. Especially if you are not in love with her anymore. She broke her vows.

2. Don't rush into a rebound relationship. I know it feels great to have a woman give you attention. It soothes the hurt. But like pain medication, it only masks the real cause of the pain.

You need time to heal, and in a vulnerable state like we all were, still hurting and still linked to your ex emotionally, it's not fair IMHO
to draw a new person into your life before you are ready to start anew.

They will still be out there when you're ready


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not against possible R with your wife, but from what you have written it sounds like she has done nothing proactive to fix her issues that led her down the path to cheat on you. 

It's not enough for a WS to be sorry. They have to show true empathy for you, and a willingness to do the hard work to rebuild what they destroyed. 

Has she attended individual counseling? Has she abstained from dating since you filed for D? Is the OM still in her life?


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Thank you! How long do you wait? I have gone out with friends with single girls there and just talked ext. It was nice but I never felt like I had to get back in a relationship. This nice young lady I ran into at grocery store a few times is so sweet. So cute her face gets red when she see's me. Should I stop talking with her? I'm not looking for marriage or to jump into a new relationship. But she is very sweet!


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm not against possible R with your wife, but from what you have written it sounds like she has done nothing proactive to fix her issues that led her down the path to cheat on you.
> 
> It's not enough for a WS to be sorry. They have to show true empathy for you, and a willingness to do the hard work to rebuild what they destroyed.
> 
> Has she attended individual counseling? Has she abstained from dating since you filed for D? Is the OM still in her life?


Yes she has been doing the work, but just over last few months. Actually over last few weeks she has been the perfect woman. She cut all off from other man and did counseling a few times. She has not been dating anyone because she wants me back. I know if she was in the same position again she would not do it. But it's done, I feel bad walking around with a woman that was with another man. Triggers all the time. Before I walked around proud she was mine.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Overdone said:


> Yes she has been doing the work, but just over last few months. Actually over last few weeks she has been the perfect woman. She cut all off from other man and did counseling a few times. She has not been dating anyone because she wants me back. I know if she was in the same position again she would not do it. But it's done, I feel bad walking around with a woman that was with another man. Triggers all the time. Before I walked around proud she was mine.


I can't remember, was it a long term affair or one night stand? Not that it matters but just to refresh my memory.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I can't remember, was it a long term affair or one night stand? Not that it matters but just to refresh my memory.


2 month EA and one night PA


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It happens often, and I personally know several friends who were involved with relationships, or even dating where the separated person had second thoughts and even after months decided to go back to their ex's., hurting their current dating partner, sometimes badly.

As to how long. It depends on the person. I've heard relationship sites say things like one month for every year you were together with your ex. I don't necessarily buy that, I think it depends on the person, but that's a guideline.

I guess I would say, just be cautious. Go slow. Think about things.
Use your noodle and use good judgement. Don't be drawn into anything fast. Be up front and tell a woman what you have just gone through and then they can't blame you for not telling them before.

Most important. Be sure you are done with your ex. If any real doubt, I think dating a bad idea.

Whatever you decide, best of luck. We are only opinions.

We are all here together.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Overdone said:


> 2 month EA and one night PA


Yeah, well you have to do what you have to do. If the affair was a dealbreaker then that is that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It might be that she now realises that the fish she let go (you) was her biggest and best catch.

What's that expression? Oh, yeah! "Buyer's remorse."

She doesn't want her lover, she wants you. 

But if you do not want her back in your life as a wife, then what she wants is now an impossible dream. And it's all her fault.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Several of my friends told me that they could never do what I did. Even my wife's EA in 2010 was a deal breaker for them.

I don't fault anyone for leaving a marriage when there is cheating.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Take a girl on a hot date and then send your ex a video of the girl giving you some action.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> Take a girl on a hot date and then send your ex a video of the girl giving you some action.


Hahaha! Don't want to fuel the fire!


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Hi OD,

Quick question regarding your threads (just looking them over now). It looked like in your first thread that your wife is extremely apologetic and doing her best to win you back. In your decision to move out, did anything specific happen to lead to this (I was under the impression you were together trying to overcome this), or was it basically the damage done was too much for your marriage to survive (despite any action by you WW afterwards)?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Congrats Overdone!
> 
> As you are aware, almost everybody on this CWI has been where you have gone.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

I wouldn't change a word of it.

It is unfair to bring in a third party, that's EXACTLY what your wife did!

Don't repeat her mistakes!!!


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Thank you! How long do you wait? I have gone out with friends with single girls there and just talked ext. It was nice but I never felt like I had to get back in a relationship. This nice young lady I ran into at grocery store a few times is so sweet. So cute her face gets red when she see's me. Should I stop talking with her? I'm not looking for marriage or to jump into a new relationship. But she is very sweet!


If you are still staying in your wife's home even one night a week and she is interested in a reconciliation, you need to leave other women alone.

You are still transitioning.

This is inconsiderate to any third party to involve themselves in your divorce/transition period.

That's exactly what affairs do. Bring a third party into a relationship that isn't finished.

And yours is not finished if you are still sharing the same roof with your wife and she wants to reconcile.

YOU may not want to, but SHE does. That is NOT a situation you bring a third party into.

Sweet people don't deserve to be brought into that kind of situation you have going on right now.

Steer clear.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stay the course and be true to thine own self!

or risk be miserable with the woman that made you miserable in the first place.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

I don't agree with some of you but that's ok right? It's been a year, I moved out! We are getting a divorce and I am paying for both homes! What more can I do? Live in a hole? Stand in a corner until she wants it to be over? I'm done! If I don't want to drive an hour to sleep at my place and sleep at the other house I pay for (the one my children and ex live) I am doing something wrong? Maybe I should kick them both out of the house and let them live in a one bedroom apartment. She is the mother of my child and I am a good man. It seems like the person that gets cheated on is always doing the wrong things. Maybe I should just disappear to Mexico? Would that be better? Sorry for rant. I do like to hear everyone's opinion! I'm so tired! If it was not for my baby I would be in Mexico right now. Thanks all, does anyone agree with how I'm feeling?


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

How has this been for your little girl? have you and your stbx decided how custody will work? Are you getting time with her outside of when your are under the same roof? How much longer will you be partially in the same house? 

If you want custody, this arrangement has a few negative implications for you:

Sounds like your wife is 100% in the family home.
Sounds like you are only seeing your daughter on weekends.
Sounds like your wife has 100% custody while you have 30-40%

When you aren't under the same roof, I am guessing your wife will want her every other weekend. 

If your wife wants you back, I would suggest working out the custody YOU want with your wife rather than letting a judge decide. Don't move completely out until it is decided AND if you make a proposal and she argues for you to have substantially less time with your daughter...then you will need to move back in 100% and establish a different precedent.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Overdone said:


> I moved out, started working out ext... trying to better myself. I feel great! I have been going out with friends and having a good time, spending quality time with my daughter and being more myself.


Ask yourself, is living in the same house as your daughter full time worth triggering the rest of your life?


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I just read your last post...

Divorce and custody are way different than dealing with infidelity or lingering positive thoughts about the mother of your child.

Divorce and custody are all business. Yes...your your family is on the line which makes it very hard. If you haven't checked out the dadsdivorce.com forum, I would suggest it. The men there will help you make sure you are on the path to a good post-marriage co-parenting arrangement.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> How has this been for your little girl? have you and your stbx decided how custody will work? Are you getting time with her outside of when your are under the same roof? How much longer will you be partially in the same house?
> 
> If you want custody, this arrangement has a few negative implications for you:
> 
> ...



We agreed to 50-50, what works best for all. It's working well


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Overdone said:


> We agreed to 50-50, what works best for all. It's working well


That helps a lot. I envy the man whose wife agrees up front to 50-50.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

F*ck it. Well done man! 

The woman had no qualms about sneaking behind your back then finally get her end off. Now she sees you with other women she wants you back. 

The best revenge is simply moving on and living your life because once the sneaking stops, the illicit high wears off, even the sex becomes just sex, not naughty or kinky.

Don't fall into the trap, very soon sex will be offered on a plate as a way to lure you in. Let the divorce be done, if she plays nice much later on and shows she's committed to getting you back then maybe think about. But keep on the path brother, you done good!


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> F*ck it. Well done man!
> 
> The woman had no qualms about sneaking behind your back then finally get her end off. Now she sees you with other women she wants you back.
> 
> ...


Thanks!

Oh yes she tries to give me sex every chance. Hard to resist sometimes, heck I am use to at least 3-4 times a week. Now nothing. But one day! One day I will reclaim myself!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice. Let go of your STBX. Move on. Get some help if you can't. Let her know clearly and in no uncertain terms that you're done, probably by serving her divorce papers. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Thanks!
> 
> Oh yes she tries to give me sex every chance. Hard to resist sometimes, heck I am use to at least 3-4 times a week. Now nothing. But one day! One day I will reclaim myself!


These circumstances are not the circumstances I would be bringing a third party into the mix.

You aren't done until the divorce is final, you have fully moved out, and your wife knows it is 100% over and you won't be returning.

Right now she sounds like she's still hopeful.

This is NOT a situation you want to bring a third person into.

Let me ask you a better question.

If you had a daughter would you want HER involved with a guy in your situation?

a. still married
b. wife wants to reconcile
c. still sleeping in the wife's home part of the week
d. wife pursuing husband for sex

Would you want you daughter getting involved with a guy in that situation?

I wouldn't want my daughter anywhere near it. That's just a hot bed of drama that no third party ought to be touching.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> These circumstances are not the circumstances I would be bringing a third party into the mix.
> 
> You aren't done until the divorce is final, you have fully moved out, and your wife knows it is 100% over and you won't be returning.
> 
> ...


OK yes I am with you here. But again now I am still doing the wrong things (the one that was cheated on). I should just get back with her or kick her out on the streets. Right? Do you think my daughter wants to be here? Her mother did this. I'm doing the best I can, I'm trying to hide some pain for her. My daughter. Yes I may be foolish for taking care of my soon to be ex, but I don't want her to be without. And why can't I talk to another woman now? Why? Maybe everyone's life should be put in the ditch first, then I would be doing the right things. I guess since I was cheated on I am bad for anyones daughter. I'm a good man, I finally can tell myself now. I went too long thinking I was crap. My heart was ripped out and now I'm ready to continue to move forward. Yes I have a past, my heart was broken. But it was not because I was not a good man, my next woman might appriciate me for who I am.


Edit.... We are waiting for divorce. Yes she wants me back but I can't! She cheated! I'm just trying to do the best things for my daughter and her mother. And I do love her mother, but like family now. Nothing more.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I am not saying you aren't doing the best you can.

What I am suggesting is you do'nt need to bring a third party into the situation. It's not safe or healthy for them.

I wouldn't toss anyone in the street either.

But you don't need to DATE... your WIFE isn't is she???

I don't think you ought to DATE anyone until you have made a full and complete break with your wife residence-wise and legally wise.

You aren't ready.. not by a long shot.

I understand you love your wife, but you don't TRUST her. I get it. I do. It's possible to love someone you don't trust.

Heck, I have known people with dogs they adored that bit them on a regular basis. That does not work. I get it.

I am just saying no third parties right now. Your WIFE isn't doing that, so set the same example on your side.

Rebuild your co-parenting model FIRST.. date LATER.

Set an example of maturity for your wife by BOTH of you not dating until everything is sorted out.

Legal status, residence, emotional acceptance of the divorce, etc.

Divorce on paper often happens LONG before you get divorced emotionally. You may not trust her, but I don't think you are emotionally divorced yet.. heck you haven't even fully moved OUT yet.

You have no business bringing a third party into that until your marital transition period's resolved... finished.. completely stable and routine.

You mistakenly put the cart before the horse just like your wife did.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Silly question.
Is divorce filed?
If yes, when final?
Does stbxw do outside the home work?
Reserving judgement until this is fully clarified.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Yes she has been doing the work, but just over last few months. Actually over last few weeks she has been the perfect woman. She cut all off from other man and did counseling a few times. She has not been dating anyone because she wants me back. I know if she was in the same position again she would not do it. But it's done, I feel bad walking around with a woman that was with another man. Triggers all the time. Before I walked around proud she was mine.


I wish you the best of luck!

But one thing that might help you get over things, or it might not... That is your last sentence. You can't own people. She was never "yours". She made up one half of a willing pair, but she was not your possession. She was always her own person.

As her own person, she made a terrible terrible mistake that hurt you very badly. People do things like that. But she wants you to forgive her and take her back.

Those are two different things. She may warrant forgiveness -- many men have had wives who have done much worse. And it might help make you feel better if you did forgive her. Taking her back is another story. That's up to you and how you feel. You can never get your original marriage back again. But you may be reconciling with a woman much less apt to cheat again -- or do anything that would badly hurt you. Being with a new woman gives no guarantees.

You can't take her back without forgiving her. But taking her back is not a requirement for forgiving.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Take your time. If you feel comfortable around her then let her know that you just getting out of a bad relationship and you need to take it one step at a time. 

If this girl is as nice as you claim, then she will understand but only if your ready.

Remember the day when you met your STBXW. I'll bet she made you feel the same way as this girl does. That's the nice part of the relationship when were all on our best behavior. 

It's after the shine wears off is when you see all the warts and scars so go slow and take it easy.

One other thing. Don't get drawn in by you Ex. She should have been acting like she's doing now and maybe she wouldn't be now on the outside looking in.


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## po'drunk (Sep 27, 2013)

Dude, if you are being honest and up front about your dealings with these women, and assuming everyone is an adult and emotionally mature, then more power to you. I don't see any reason why you need to put your life on hold. Mistakes will always be made but you can't live your life always afraid of whats around the corner. It's in how you deal with them and what you learn from them that makes you grow as a person. My 2 cents anyway.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

po'drunk said:


> Dude, if you are being honest and up front about your dealings with these women, and assuming everyone is an adult and emotionally mature, then more power to you. I don't see any reason why you need to put your life on hold. Mistakes will always be made but you can't live your life always afraid of whats around the corner. It's in how you deal with them and what you learn from them that makes you grow as a person. My 2 cents anyway.


:iagree:


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Your stbxw is realizing that she does not want you to have sex with other women. You said that she's been doing the right things a WS should do for the last 2 weeks. How long do you think this will last?... I'm guessing that she started when she realized that you were starting to move on and away from her as a love interest.

Treating you nice and offering up losts of sex is plesant, but it doesn't address why she cheated on you. Her nice actions of late will fade over time. What happens then? My guess is she'll fall into another EA, that will sooner, or later go PA, AGAIN. Then you'll be right back where you where on DDay1...

You've said time and time again that you are getting a D, because you can't be married to a woman that cheated on you. I agree.

Go through with the D. Let you stbxw continue to do the heavy lifting and see where it leads. Bit if she doesn't truly work on herself and try to figure out why she cheated and how to fix it, she's bound to reinact history.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Overdone, if your story is like mine and many other betrayed spouses on these boards, you spent your married life devoted to making everything as comfortable as you could for your family and did little or nothing in the way of doing for yourself.
Any effort you put forth toward getting back with our cheater in hopes of making things better for your child will only later be considered to be a weakness by not only your spouse, but your child, as well once she becomes an adult.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Go slow and think.
Go with your gut instincts. 
If it was me....I'd be gone-not kidding


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you verify if it actually happened once?

Did you expose the OM?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Edit.... We are waiting for divorce. Yes she wants me back *but I can't! * She cheated! I'm just trying to do the best things for my daughter and her mother.


I don't see what the problem is here. If you can't, you can't!

Move on. Be happy!


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

This is my first post here but I've been visiting the forums for several months now. This is such an informative and interesting site so I thought I'd dive in.

As for the topic of this thread, I truly marvel at those who are able to reconcile after an EA or PA. I believe that men need respect from their spouse almost as much as they need their love. It's one of our core needs. Obviously, an EA or PA screams disrespect to the husband. I suspect that this can be remedied with a change in behavior from the wife but how does one ever get over a PA?

Wives need their husbands to love them, honor them and cherish them in order to feel secure and fulfilled. I believe the husband needs to feel as though his wife is special. How does he ever recover that feeling after an EA and specifically a PA?

While I've never experienced such betrayal, I have contemplated how I might attempt to handle such a situation if it ever occurred. I have never been able to determine what it would take to regain the ability to cherish my wife again.

Not to threadjack but I've often wondered how one would go back to a wife who had done this, even if he still loves her. I support Overdone in whatever direction he pursues. If you do decide that there may be a sliver of a chance down the line with this women, I rather like the option of divorcing her and then working on the relationship as two single people. Then you'll know for sure just how sincere she really is and you can determine from there if she's worth a relationship or not.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> This is my first post here but I've been visiting the forums for several months now. This is such an informative and interesting site so I thought I'd dive in.
> 
> As for the topic of this thread, I truly marvel at those who are able to reconcile after an EA or PA. I believe that men need respect from their spouse almost as much as they need their love. It's one of our core needs. Obviously, an EA or PA screams disrespect to the husband. I suspect that this can be remedied with a change in behavior from the wife but how does one ever get over a PA?
> 
> ...


This is how I feel. My ego is trashed, everything was so good for so many years. She is sorry but I don't think I can ever feel like the man of the house 100% after all this. I don't want to live like that. It is hard.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Overdone said:


> This is how I feel. My ego is trashed, everything was so good for so many years. She is sorry but I don't think I can ever feel like the man of the house 100% after all this. I don't want to live like that. It is hard.


Give yourself time, say 4 to 5 years. If she still wants to be with you and you can forgive her, get together. Nothing other than time can heal you.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Overdone said:


> Yes she has been doing the work, but just over last few months. Actually over last few weeks she has been the perfect woman. She cut all off from other man and did counseling a few times. She has not been dating anyone because she wants me back. I know if she was in the same position again she would not do it. But it's done, I feel bad walking around with a woman that was with another man. Triggers all the time. Before I walked around proud she was mine.


Sadly, Overdone, some actions can't be unmade. If you have a precious crystal plate, and then smash it to pieces, no matter how good you are with super glue, it will never be able to be fixed.

You sound like me, infidelity is a deal breaker. No matter how I felt about my wife before she cheated, once the cheating happened, the marriage is dead. My attraction and love for her (as my wife) would die as well. I could still respect her as the mother of my children and still have a strong bond with her as a friend, but it could NEVER be more than that. She could never get into that unguarded part of my heart again. I'd always have barriers up protecting me from the potential pain this person could do to me. As much as I might desire to have the marriage again, for my children etc., as much as I might feel guilt for not being able to....I couldn't.

Your STBXW has to accept that her actions have consequences. You can still like her and have a good relationship, but you will never love her again as a wife. She stripped that away.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Sadly, Overdone, some actions can't be unmade. If you have a precious crystal plate, and then smash it to pieces, no matter how good you are with super glue, it will never be able to be fixed.
> 
> You sound like me, infidelity is a deal breaker. No matter how I felt about my wife before she cheated, once the cheating happened, the marriage is dead. My attraction and love for her (as my wife) would die as well. I could still respect her as the mother of my children and still have a strong bond with her as a friend, but it could NEVER be more than that. She could never get into that unguarded part of my heart again. I'd always have barriers up protecting me from the potential pain this person could do to me. As much as I might desire to have the marriage again, for my children etc., as much as I might feel guilt for not being able to....I couldn't.
> 
> Your STBXW has to accept that her actions have consequences. You can still like her and have a good relationship, but you will never love her again as a wife. She stripped that away.


Very well said. Thanks so much.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Overdone said:


> This is how I feel. My ego is trashed, everything was so good for so many years. She is sorry but I don't think I can ever feel like the man of the house 100% after all this. I don't want to live like that. It is hard.


I'm divorced but I'm still going through the same exact thing. You're not alone my friend. I agree with you 100%. After I found out my ex physically cheated on me, that was it. I couldn't accept that she would give herself to another person and that was a deal breaker. Sure she wants me back now but sometimes as much as you wish something didn't happen you can't undue what was done. Anymore than you could unjump off a cliff. Once a line is crossed there's no going back. The best revenge is putting her in the rear view mirror, living a better life and finding a great girl. It may take time but you'll get there and she'll spend the rest of her life living with the regret.

Good Luck.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm divorced but I'm still going through the same exact thing. You're not alone my friend. I agree with you 100%. After I found out my ex physically cheated on me, that was it. I couldn't accept that she would give herself to another person and that was a deal breaker. Sure she wants me back now but sometimes as much as you wish something didn't happen you can't undue what was done. Anymore than you could unjump off a cliff. Once a line is crossed there's no going back. The best revenge is putting her in the rear view mirror, living a better life and finding a great girl. It may take time but you'll get there and she'll spend the rest of her life living with the regret.
> 
> Good Luck.


And "great girls" do not get involved with married men who are still partly living with their wives, with that wife still sexually pursuing them.

Sorry, great girls know better than to go near that.

Get yourself settled first... THEN go slow and start putting yourself out there.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> And "great girls" do not get involved with married men who are still partly living with their wives, with that wife still sexually pursuing them.
> 
> Sorry, great girls know better than to go near that.
> 
> Get yourself settled first... THEN go slow and start putting yourself out there.


Who cares if she's pursuing him? I don't understand why you're beating up the guy so much. SHE cheated on him. He doesn't want anything to do with her. If he wants to get a girlfriend while he's waiting for his D papers to be processed then so what? Let the cheater cling to her false hope of him coming back as plan B. That's not his problem. The only way I would agree with you is if he was lying about something. But as long as he makes it clear to the stbx wife he's done and the girlfriend knows the living situation then I really don't see the problem.


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## Overdone (Jun 26, 2013)

All is in the open. But I did tell my soon to be ex that I may date others. She knows I am going out. Do I tell her the details? Why? I told her I wanted someone else that could give me what she could not. She knows my eyes are open for that now. (The feeling of being the one) She is not happy about it but I am not hiding the fact that it is over. I gave it a shot, can I get some credit for that? I still take care of her, can I get some credit for that? I never cheated on her, can I get some credit for that? Just because I am moving on does not make it easy for me. I never wanted this. I am doing the best I can, I am trying to do the right things. Thanks for all the support. I really need it, I'm proud I am feeling good again, I must be doing something right.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Don't worry, I noticed that it became "_her house_" when the point needed to be made. 

Talk to who you want, when you want and how you want. I mean some girl blushed when you were in the store, after talking to her a few times, now she is equal to what your wife did to the marriage? Nope, that's blatantly ridiculous. Do not tell her about your dates, when you are dating or other personal matters of finding new love. She isn't your confidant anymore because she forfeited the keys to your personal life when she cheated. Papers are filed, you have moved, she knows where you stand and she has decided to pursue when all is lost. 

I'll say two things:
1) Don't throw anything in her face especially, when it concerns dating or chatting with women. Vindictiveness is ugly and you hurt her, this process will get bumpy or stop. It's not over until the ink is on the paper and it can get ugly at any point. 

2) Don't lead her on at all for the same reasons above.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Who cares if she's pursuing him? I don't understand why you're beating up the guy so much. SHE cheated on him. He doesn't want anything to do with her. If he wants to get a girlfriend while he's waiting for his D papers to be processed then so what? Let the cheater cling to her false hope of him coming back as plan B. That's not his problem. The only way I would agree with you is if he was lying about something. But as long as he makes it clear to the stbx wife he's done and the girlfriend knows the living situation then I really don't see the problem.


Good grief.

I am not beating anyone up.

I am suggesting that any FEMALE that will get involved with him under present circumstances isn't worth his TIME.

That is NOT a shot at HIM at ALL.

Who said this was his problem that his wife wants to reconcile?

Holy straw man!

The problem is he's not divorced. And do you know how cliche it is for women to get involved with a married man who claims he's getting divorced?

Women that get involved with married men have some problems of their own. Sorry, I would never advocate any female getting involved with a married man who is still living with his wife part time. And any daughter of mine would know better than to put herself in that vulnerable position.

If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. And given that he's still married, AND he's still living with his wife part time, it may not be cheating, but it's not a squeaky clean situation either. Any female that decides "sure, I know you're married, you have kids, and live with your wife part time... I am fine playing around and having sex" is not someone safe to date. Particularly for a guy who's been cheated ON. She is just going to screw him over just like his wife did most likely.

I am not beating this poster up, I am trying to WAKE him up.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Overdone said:


> Thank you! How long do you wait? I have gone out with friends with single girls there and just talked ext. It was nice but I never felt like I had to get back in a relationship. This nice young lady I ran into at grocery store a few times is so sweet. So cute her face gets red when she see's me. Should I stop talking with her? I'm not looking for marriage or to jump into a new relationship. But she is very sweet!


Sounds like you like her and she likes you. But be brutally honest with yourself, if you're really ready for a relationship. Otherwise you could be brutally hard on her heart.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'll say two things:
> 1) Don't throw anything in her face especially, when it concerns dating or chatting with women. Vindictiveness is ugly and you hurt her, this process will get bumpy or stop. It's not over until the ink is on the paper and it can get ugly at any point.
> 
> 2) Don't lead her on at all for the same reasons above.


IN my opinion remaining living with your wife, while she hopes to reconcile, and while your wife pursues you romantically, and while you have sex with other women, all while allowing that situation to go on IS leading the wife on is a recipe for problems.

To my mind a crystal clear break hasn't been made here yet.

Until that time I don't think either of these spouses ought to be bringing third parties into their lives.

1. Move out completely
2. Get papers signed and sealed
3. Give yourself some time on your OWN after moving out completely and papers are signed.

THEN get involved with a female that has enough respect for herself to not date a married man who lives with his wife part time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> IN my opinion remaining living with your wife, while she hopes to reconcile, and while your wife pursues you romantically, and while you have sex with other women, all while allowing that situation to go on IS leading the wife on is a recipe for problems.


Okay, I will disengage because you just escalated a girl blushing to him leading his wife on. We just disagree and I'm not going to delve into "what ifs," "self respect," your personal views on when to date during or after divorce proceedings or any other arguments with you.

If that's your line good for you.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Overdone said:


> This is how I feel. My ego is trashed, everything was so good for so many years. She is sorry but I don't think I can ever feel like the man of the house 100% after all this. I don't want to live like that. It is hard.


I think that you are still in love with her but are afraid to take her back. Why? Because your male ego (I know about that, I have one too) won't let you. You feel shamed among men. Of course that isn't going to provide you with a new wife.

One more thing: it takes a strong man, a really alpha man to follow his heart and reconcile. Many men are too afraid that the cheating will happen again. That's a gamble, nobody can promise you it won't. But even becoming involved with a new woman is a gamble. Could even be a worse one.



BetrayedDad said:


> I'm divorced but I'm still going through the same exact thing. You're not alone my friend. I agree with you 100%. After I found out my ex physically cheated on me, that was it. I couldn't accept that she would give herself to another person and that was a deal breaker. Sure she wants me back now but sometimes as much as you wish something didn't happen you can't undue what was done. Anymore than you could unjump off a cliff. Once a line is crossed there's no going back. The best revenge is putting her in the rear view mirror, living a better life and finding a great girl. It may take time but you'll get there and she'll spend the rest of her life living with the regret.
> 
> Good Luck.


Overdone: here's another example of what I mean. BetrayedDad has every right (as you do) to feel dumped on and disrespected. His need is for revenge. You can read that right above. That's a very human reaction, but it is also a useless one. Revenge rarely helps anyone. Men worry about it because again, they want to protect their alpha status.

What I don't understand is why so many men need the approval of their fellow alphas so badly that they cannot do what their hearts tell them to do. No, I'm not criticizing, I'm just wondering out loud why this is. All I can say to BetrayedDad is what I said to Overdone above. Put another way, for all you know that great girl you hope to find will cheat and be worse than what you tossed away.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Don't go back OP. 

A family unit is great so long as Mom isn't having an A and brings another person into that space. 

R is a long and difficult road. Why put up with second best. That's why all BS have a hard time with it. 

You will never look at her in the same light again no matter what she does. Ever. She will always be the wife who cheated on you. Why would you want to have to look at her every day and be reminded and also have to keep a watchful eye on her, because you will. Another good reason why R is so difficult. 

You won't fall in love with her a second time. 

Now that you got back on your feet WS decided to get back inside your head again. How dare she IMO. Perhaps she was jealous LOL. Good!

There's another woman for you out there. You just have to find her. 

Stay strong. You were doing great up to now. Find that strength again.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

To be honest overdone I think this happens more often than not and more than we realise.
When the wayward spouse sees the betrayed spouse get off the floor, make improvements and start to move on they get a wtf have I done moment.

Yes, there are some that are done and gone but just looking at threads on TAM not as many.

Sometimes it can take years, I think Longwalk, not sure as my ancient memory plays up sometimes, mentioned meeting an ex straying wife for coffee many years after they split whereupon she apologised and asked for another chance.:scratchhead:

Do what you need to do.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> To be honest overdone I think this happens more often than not and more than we realise.
> When the wayward spouse sees the betrayed spouse get off the floor, make improvements and start to move on they get a wtf have I done moment.
> 
> Yes, there are some that are done and gone but just looking at threads on TAM not as many.
> ...


Wasn't me. :lol: When I see my ex, who never cheated on me, but thought about it, and I thought about cheating on her – many people think about things but do not act on them, I just help myself to coffee or tea. We still fight about stuff but not so much. When you have kids it's forever. 

Reconciliation... you must act on your gut. If your gut says no, listen. If the cheater is genuinely remorseful, you can give it a shot. It will never be easy. If the ex is BPD or has very poor self esteem, beware.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

^^^
Perhaps it was Lost Viking then?

I seem to remember the username started with an L.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> One more thing: it takes a strong man, a really alpha man to follow his heart and reconcile.


I suspect you're not the ideal candidate to be handing out advice on being alpha. They don't 'follow their heart' like some lovesick school girl. They know what needs to be done and do it. The End. 

Overdone, tried to get past his WW ONS but couldn't. You can sense that regret in his posts. That's the way he's wired. SHE tossed him (and their family away) and it's wrong of you to state otherwise.

Honestly, we could do with less of this alpha/beta nonsense in each and every thread.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Honestly, we could do with less of this alpha/beta nonsense in each and every thread.


AMEN!!!



:iagree:


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

OP.... if even going with hookers will make you feel better then do it! 
Whatever makes you feel better DO IT! Its not revenge, it's not alpha its not beta ITS ONLY FEELING BETTER! DO WHAT IT TAKES TO BE IT!!
Your free decision was given to you from DDAY!

just as long as you dont disrespect yourself or who other ELSE.
If they go for it then do it! FXXK THE DRAMA AND GRIEF


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have not read the entire thread yet, but wanted to say that you are doing TOO GOOD on your own to go back with your cheating STBX. If you want your life to continue to be happy, DONT DO IT.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I like the implied timetables people must (sarcasm) follow concerning divorce, separation and reconciliation. He tried, it didn't work and now he isn't "alpha" because he "gave up," "quit," or listened to his (LOL) "male ego." A year of reconciliation and she started being perfect the last two weeks, but it started 2 months ago. So, 10 months of nothing and when he picks himself up, NOW she becomes perfect. 

It takes a strong spouse, man or woman, to make a choice that ends a family as well.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

If I went this far. I wouldn't go back. No way. Move on for good. You've come this far and it's going well. Why turn back now. She cheated once and could perhaps do it again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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