# Wife wants divorce-- I want her back



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

I know this may be the wrong forum but there does not seem to be a lot of traffic in the other forum so I am hoping that someone reading this can help me. I feel like I kind of need to move on to get her back. I think I have about 3-4 months with her living with me as we have not filed yet and does not have the resources to move out.

This is my post from last Thursday when I found out this is what she wanted:

So, just got back from counseling. She said she wants D. Her and the counselor started talking about D counseling to help us w. kids or some other nonsense. 

I kept saying, I am not here to talk about D I came here to talk about saving our M. Finally, I got up and left. Both her and the counselor kept asking me ot stay but I was not going to sit there and figure out ways to make her feel less guilty about not trying. 

Any suggestions at this point? 

I am thinking going dark as I have seen on here before. 

We have kids but I feel a little vengeful and do not want to make this easy on her. She takes classes Wednesday and Thursday afternoon for 3 hours but that is it. So she doesnt work and can deal w/ the kids for a couple weeks. At this particular moment in time, I could not even face them. (Daughter 5 1/5, son 2-- the beginning of this story is in the men's club. 


Here is my post from this AM:

Ok, I have been offline for several days. Here is what happened

--she said she wanted divorce, too late, nothing i can do now

-- I stayed at my mom's house from Thursday to yesterday. Did talk to her for a long time Friday (went over and switched cars with her which she did not like)

--she says she doesnt really want anything-- split custody with the kids, I keep the house (we will have to decide on a buyout)

--I have talked with lawyer, planning formal consultatoin next week sometime to find out timelines, etc-- he did say 'dont go in guns blazing if she is not being combative'

-- I went home yesterday-- told her I am staying--she said she talked to her friend and was told not to leave or it could be seen as 'abandonment' and used against her in court-- i told her I am ok with her staying, we have 2 kids and can take of them together and be cordial

-- She has no money, little family support so far-- they like me a lot and are disappointed she didnt want to try-- and is asking me about legal stuff and even to the point of 'can we use the same lawyer?' and "should i get a lawyer?'

--I did some favors for her-- stopped and got her coffee when I was coming home yesterday, faxing a financial aid form today frm work for her

We will be living together til we are divorced. She doesnt know where she is going, has no money right now. Even though she has no income did make the comment that our money is 50/50, though she knows there is little of it. 

Im all very confused. If possible I would like to use these next three months to improve myself and (very very longshot, i know) maybe she sees it and changes her mind? I did tell her that if she ever has that feeling to talk to me but that at some point i will be over it too. 

I need to move forward. I need strenght. I need to detach without making her think i am trying to screw her over (I actually did say to her that it might seem sometimes like I am being mean but I am not going out of my way to hurt her).

Sorry for the long message. I am a mess and this is a mess. Please keep in mind that I will be living with her for at least the next three months and at this point she has no lawyer and is agreeable to the main things-- house, kids, IRAs.

I am starting the map. 

1. bench press 170 lbs by mid jan ( i weigh a little under 130). 
2. Get debt free (probably wont happen till after the divorce) 
3. 6 pack abs (or at least a four pack) 
4. Church by myself at least 2x a month 
5. Get a new pet for the kids (and me cause i love them too) 
6. Find something social -- possibly writing club (degree in english lit and journalism
7. Lasik consul (cant pay for the actual procedure right now but sick of wearing glasses)
8. Improve focus and production at work 

Sorry so long but I appreciate any insight/advice and especially encouragement.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

She needs to get a job and save up some money,since she wants a divorce and has no place to go. Surely she doesn't think she will continue to live with you once the divorce comes through. 

I'm sorry you're going through this, but sometimes divorces can be blessings in disguise. I'm sure its hard to see that now though.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

M042 said:


> I would like to use these next three months to improve myself and (very very longshot, i know) maybe she sees it and changes her mind?


Please use these next three months to improve yourself. For YOU and your next relationship. It's not a longshot that she notices these changes and changes her mind. It's a NO-shot. It doesn't happen.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

M042 said:


> I know this may be the wrong forum but there does not seem to be a lot of traffic in the other forum so I am hoping that someone reading this can help me. I feel like I kind of need to move on to get her back. I think I have about 3-4 months with her living with me as we have not filed yet and does not have the resources to move out.
> 
> This is my post from last Thursday when I found out this is what she wanted:
> 
> ...


On the health and fitness goals:

1. bench press 170 lbs by mid Jan
2. Six pack or 4 pack abs...
3. You mentioned body weight of 130lb.

What is your height? Some people need to gain weight ( mostly muscle ) so that their abs are developed enough to show well.

You may be a bit slight and you may not want to be built like a "football" player, but I'm sure you could add 15-20lbs of muscle on your frame, and both you and your wife feel better about it - plus you would more easily gain the strength you desire.

Your goals are not very hard goals and just required structure and planning to ensure that you reach them.

The thing about each of your goals on your list... Each one will build confidence, which will help with the remaining goals.

I'd look at adding body mass all in my body, building a back that I could be proud of, strong and tight legs, and defined and strong arms. Gaining weight, gaining strength, speed and power, no downside...


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

I weigh a little under 150 by the way. Small frame but not THAT small. 

It is discouraging, and hard to live her though I do still want her around. 

She seems to feel the same way, though it is stuck in her head that it is over. It has been a mid life crisis type thing going on with her a few months and the counselor forced her to be brutally honest. We were not happy, sure, but she had to admit to herself that we didnt have 'a spark'. 

This morning I cuddled in bed with her before I got up and went to work. i talked to her on the phone just now and she cried and said she said it felt so good when I held her and she didnt want to let go. 

I said, you dont have to do this (i know, wrong thing to say)

she said, its already done. 


so...any advice at all about getting her back; any encouragement for going forward? she doesnt hate me. that has to help some doesnt it?


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Why does she want a divorce? Is she just unhappy or did you do something to precipitate this?


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Why does she want a divorce? Is she just unhappy or did you do something to precipitate this?


Just unhappy for several years on both sides. No specific thing. My unhappiness has shown up in withdrawal, passive aggressiveness, just not fun to be around. 

Basically, I have been a pleaser or a nice guy


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

M042 said:


> so...any advice at all about getting her back; any encouragement for going forward? she doesnt hate me. that has to help some doesnt it?


Stop doing stuff for her. No buying her coffee or asking her how her day went. Start detaching from her. It helps you to move forward, but also shows her what she is losing. That can help change her mind. You begging her and being clingy won't.

Get No More Mr. Nice Guy. A Married Man's Sex Life can also be helpful.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Then I guess the next question is, do you want to go along with the D or do you want to try to fix this?


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I would be concerned about the comment she made about money being 50/50. Please strongly consider cutting off her access to ALL money. If she needs groceries for the kids you can give her a grocery card or do the shopping yourself. Does she have a cel phone? Cut it off as well.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

M042 said:


> Just unhappy for several years on both sides. No specific thing. My unhappiness has shown up in withdrawal, passive aggressiveness, just not fun to be around.
> 
> Basically, I have been a pleaser or a nice guy


Sorry about my previous post, I forgot the title of your post. As for this quote above, I don't see how being passive aggressive, etc. is being a nice guy.

Have you tried talking to her in private and letting her know that you understand the marriage took a dive, that you have not been the best of husbands and that you are sorry she has been so unhappy for the past few years. But, that you do love her and you do not want a divorce. You really want to try to work on the marriage and if she is willing that the two of you spend the next 3 months, both putting in effort, and seeing if you can start to mend this thing.

There are a lot of good relationship books out there. Dr. Phil has one called "Relationship Rescue", you two could go through this together. You can also read some of the other books advised on this board.

I don't think going dark on her is the answer if you want her back. It is your withdrawal that has gotten you here to begin with. You have to show her that you are want to repair this, not make things worse.

And get rid of the counselor


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, do you work? I didn't see where you said you did, if so I missed it, sorry. IMO, if someone has checked out and they have been checked out for awhile, they probably will not check back in all of a sudden. I'm not saying its not possible, but maybe not probable.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Does she still love you? Because if not, you have to let it go. Women that don't love their husbands wouldn't appreciate you upping any efforts to try and save something they feel is over and done with.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Does she still love you? Because if not, you have to let it go. Women that don't love their husbands wouldn't appreciate you upping any efforts to try and save something they feel is over and done with.


That may be true, but even though she wants the D, she doesn't work and they have 2 small kids. I am guessing that she has a greater incentive to come around if he stepped up to the plate.


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

ok, yes I do work and have been supporting the family (us and 2 kids) for the last 15 months. She has 15 years exp in her field but is now going back to school for her masters and realizes she really doesnt have access to any money at this time and cannot FORCE me to do anything I dont want as far as buying stuff, etc, plus knows there is not much money left. 

also, we have talked very extensively. She knows that at this point I would do ANYTHING to try and make it better. She is not happy, she cried all weekend when i was gone, we talked for hours yesterday, this morning on the phone she said, it felt so good to have you hold me but it was so real then, i didnt want you to let go. 

i said, you dont have to do this.
she said, its already done. 

I dont know what this means. I have been led to believe that if I do the MAP, if she is still around for now (we have no idea when we will file though it will likely be ME filing to protect financial interests), I have a chance of getting her to change her mind? 

I know I need to detach and detach quickly. She is feeling bad but also has me there with her to comfort her-- which is hard not to do CAUSE I LOVE HER.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Financial dependence doesn't make the bad feelings go away, which is why divorce was mentioned in the first place. It sounds like she is past that point. There's nothing he can do to change her mind... even financially.

Some people can force themselves to hang on because they are broke and have no other options out there financially to depend on. Maybe she's one of those people that doesn't care and will somehow find a way without his help (other than child support).


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

I am not trying to FORCE her financially to stay married; I am just saying for financial reasons she cannot move out yet and we have not filed. 

I am looking for some encouragement here and some advice about how I should go forward-- and yes due to financial circumstances she will be around to see how I am. 

And yes, I would like very much for us to somehow save this, though i am not really hopeful of all that. 

Is the MAP and 180 type things are for myself and I am hoping it has an effect on her. I guess I am looking for some strength and encouragement from people here. 

I appreciate the poster that said dont stop and get her coffee, dont ask how her day was. That is the kind of thing i need to be reminded of.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

M042 said:


> I dont know what this means. I have been led to believe that if I do the MAP, if she is still around for now (we have no idea when we will file though it will likely be ME filing to protect financial interests), I have a chance of getting her to change her mind?


Unfortunately, it will not work because it is clear that you goal is to use it to keep her. That almost never works, as it is not sincere. Use the MAP to work on you and improve you. If that is real, then there is a chance.



> I know I need to detach and detach quickly. She is feeling bad but also has me there with her to comfort her-- which is hard not to do CAUSE I LOVE HER.


You are making this easier for her. She is making a difficult decision and you are comforting her and trying to make it easier. Stop. Let her feel the full effect. Show her what she is giving up. Focus on you now, because she has quit that job.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm not saying you're forcing anything OP. If her mind is made up, what I'm saying is that her finances and the state of them won't change anything in favor of staying with you.

If I wanted to leave and $ was holding me back, I wouldn't be happy about it. As a matter of fact, it would motivate me to get a job. You look at the next 3 months as a sliver of hope in 'winning' her over, and based on what you've described her mood as, you should be more realistic.

I know it's hard. I know it's not what you want. It hurts that she isn't on the same page... but you need to look at things from HER perspective here.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

I think you should focus on letting her feel the consequences of her decisions. If she doesn't want to be your wife, she doesn't get the perks of being your wife. No way would I get her coffee. No way would I do anything for her. Let her be dead broke and all alone, because this is the decision she made for herself.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

wilderness said:


> I think you should focus on letting her feel the consequences of her decisions. If she doesn't want to be your wife, she doesn't get the perks of being your wife. No way would I get her coffee. No way would I do anything for her. Let her be dead broke and all alone, because this is the decision she made for herself.


This is a great decision. It's not to "punish" her, you just don't let someone do you like that.


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm not saying you're forcing anything OP. If her mind is made up, what I'm saying is that her finances and the state of them won't change anything in favor of staying with you.
> 
> If I wanted to leave and $ was holding me back, I wouldn't be happy about it. As a matter of fact, it would motivate me to get a job. You look at the next 3 months as a sliver of hope in 'winning' her over, and based on what you've described her mood as, you should be more realistic.
> 
> I know it's hard. I know it's not what you want. It hurts that she isn't on the same page... but you need to look at things from HER perspective here.


I think you are in the wrong thread. Nowhere did i say she is willing to stay b/c of finances. We have talked about her getting a job. My point is that she literally cannot leave our house right now b/c there is nowhere to go; plus she does not want to 'abandon' our kids. 

She still has emotions for me so it it the line between disconnecting and focusing on me without being a jerk and pushing her further away. I did tell her things would be different b/c they HAVE to be and that I am not going out of my way to hurt her, but rather doing what i have to do FOR me. 

Thanks again for the advice re doing little things for her. I think she is in a place where she understands I have to stop doing that stuff, and I will. 

I need to start doing the other things. Going to the gym for a quick workout to get back into it after work and over the next weeks going to ramp it up quickly.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

M042 said:


> I think you are in the wrong thread. Nowhere did i say she is willing to stay b/c of finances. We have talked about her getting a job. My point is that she literally cannot leave our house right now b/c there is nowhere to go; plus she does not want to 'abandon' our kids.
> 
> She still has emotions for me so it it the line between disconnecting and focusing on me without being a jerk and pushing her further away. I did tell her things would be different b/c they HAVE to be and that I am not going out of my way to hurt her, but rather doing what i have to do FOR me.
> 
> ...


What you should be doing is contacting an attorney and try to minimize your financial destruction ie alimony and other expenses. You also need to be working on custody in writing and have her agree. Let her face the choice she made.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Well I am going to take a different position. You lost her because you two drifted apart and you became distant and jerky. If you want to get her back you have to plug back into the relationship. It is never too late until it is done. My H and I headed for divorce 5 years into our marriage, filed and everything. We got back together 1 week before the D was to be final. We have now been married for over 29 years.

You need to start being the man you should have been all along. Ask her out on a date, keep it light - no conversations about your situation, tell her how beautiful she is, etc. Hard part - don't be gushy or a push over. Don't smother her. Start slowly by doing little things for her but keep your mystery. Spend time doing things with your friends, the kids and her. Balance things. Don't make her the center of everything, but give her enough attention where she can start to feel like she is special to you (without being a lush).

Does this make sense?


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

JustHer said:


> Well I am going to take a different position. You lost her because you two drifted apart and you became distant and jerky. If you want to get her back you have to plug back into the relationship. It is never too late until it is done. My H and I headed for divorce 5 years into our marriage, filed and everything. We got back together 1 week before the D was to be final. We have now been married for over 29 years.
> 
> You need to start being the man you should have been all along. Ask her out on a date, keep it light - no conversations about your situation, tell her how beautiful she is, etc. Hard part - don't be gushy or a push over. Don't smother her. Start slowly by doing little things for her but keep your mystery. Spend time doing things with your friends, the kids and her. Balance things. Don't make her the center of everything, but give her enough attention where she can start to feel like she is special to you (without being a lush).
> 
> Does this make sense?


This would not work. I am the 'nice guy' the 'pleaser'. I went well out of my way to try to make her happy. She even said the day after she told me she wanted a divorce, that she definitely never deserved me. 

Asking her on a date and telling her how beautiful she is would be seen as a clear ploy to try to trick her into coming back, something in her mind that is far-fetched right now. 

I feel i need to STOP being her best friend, doing things for her and I believe that even making her jealous may help. 

I just need the strength to distance her b/c it is painful seeing her sad (even though she knows it is her choice).


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

M042 said:


> I think you are in the wrong thread. Nowhere did i say she is willing to stay b/c of finances. *We have talked about her getting a job. My point is that she literally cannot leave our house right now b/c there is nowhere to go; plus she does not want to 'abandon' our kids. *
> 
> She still has emotions for me so it it the line between disconnecting and focusing on me without being a jerk and pushing her further away. I did tell her things would be different b/c they HAVE to be and that I am not going out of my way to hurt her, but rather doing what i have to do FOR me.
> 
> ...


If she had the money, she wouldn't be there. That's my point. It's not pretty. It's not what you want, but it's the truth. If she could afford it, she would leave right now, kids in tow. She would be able to afford an attorney, and work out custody and support with you.


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> If she had the money, she wouldn't be there. That's my point. It's not pretty. It's not what you want, but it's the truth. If she could afford it, she would leave right now, kids in tow. She would be able to afford an attorney, and work out custody and support with you.


I understand that and she does too. She WOULD have moved out. She also COULD have gone to stay at her dad's or brother's and she KNOWS I have talked to attny and she CANNOT take the kids with her. 

I dont know where you are getting your responses, but she currently cannot move out and may not until the divorce is final because she has nowhere to go, no money and no way to support herself. 

In the mean time she is IN our house, we watched movies with our kids last night and went to bed together in the same bed. And before I went to work this morning I cuddled with her. She has every choice to NOT do these things and we have talked about that. She and I are both trying to detach; while she may want a divorce, I find that she still cannot help interacting emotionally with her best friend-- despite the fact that she has plenty of friends to talk with. 

Does that change her wanting a divorce? No, but it does paint a different picture than I think you are seeing.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

M042 said:


> I understand that and she does too. She WOULD have moved out. She also COULD have gone to stay at her dad's or brother's and she KNOWS I have talked to attny and she CANNOT take the kids with her.
> 
> I dont know where you are getting your responses, but she currently cannot move out and may not until the divorce is final because she has nowhere to go, no money and no way to support herself.
> 
> ...


Cuddling? Not really. She's doing what she needs to do to maintain peace in her home as she doesn't have any other options in front of her. She's not wanting to be outwardly and overtly cruel to you under the circumstances.

If she was handed a check for 50k in the next 24 hours, I wonder if she'd change her mind? 

Again, I don't doubt your feelings for her. I just happen to think that 'best friends' wouldn't be in the situation you find yourselves in. Divorce wouldn't be on her mind. And how are you trying to detach? I don't see it. It doesn't sound like it... your last post sounds like you both are contently doing the happy family thing.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

M042 said:


> I know this may be the wrong forum but there does not seem to be a lot of traffic in the other forum so I am hoping that someone reading this can help me. I feel like I kind of need to move on to get her back. I think I have about 3-4 months with her living with me as we have not filed yet and does not have the resources to move out.
> 
> This is my post from last Thursday when I found out this is what she wanted:
> 
> ...


take all the savings and pay off bills, if she has not filed yet, go ahead and splurge on yourself too. She can't do anything about it unless you are buying an asset. I would buy hobby stuff, new clothes etc...


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Cuddling? Not really. She's doing what she needs to do to maintain peace in her home as she doesn't have any other options in front of her. She's not wanting to be outwardly and overtly cruel to you under the circumstances.
> 
> If she was handed a check for 50k in the next 24 hours, I wonder if she'd change her mind?
> 
> Again, I don't doubt your feelings for her. I just happen to think that 'best friends' wouldn't be in the situation you find yourselves in. Divorce wouldn't be on her mind. And how are you trying to detach? I don't see it. It doesn't sound like it... your last post sounds like you both are contently doing the happy family thing.


If she was handed $50k in cash in the next 24 hours she would be moved out-- both she knows it and I know it. Yesterday was the FIRST day I was at home since she told me at MC that she wants a counselor. 

When she said 'i definitely didnt deserve you' she may have been 'keeping the peace' but it is also what her mom, dad, brother and aunt have told her in the last 5 days. 

Again, I get it that she wants to leave-- she TOLD me that. 

My question is how to i get her to change her mind before she CAN leave?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If only people would do what we want them to do... things would be so much easier.

What you need to realize is that it is not within your power to get her to change her mind. She's responsible for that, and she's going to make her mind up to do what she sees fit. All you can do (what's within your power) is take care of YOURSELF. Can you do that? Do what you need to do for yourself in spite of whatever is going on with her?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

M042 said:


> My question is how to i get her to change her mind before she CAN leave?


You can't and that is while she will divorce you. You are so focused on changing her that anything you do will come across as manipulation and smothering. She has to want to change and you are not giving her any reason to do so. You ignore the good advice you are getting and keep looking for the magic pill that will make all this crap go away.

There is no such thing.

So go fix you. Improve yourself because it is something you need to do. Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy. If you are real, you have a chance. But your current route is the road to failure


----------



## M042 (Nov 4, 2013)

Well, update. 

I have been doing a good job of being upbeat and happy. Trying to disconnect w her but having difficulty b/c 

a) it sucks seeing her so sad
b) not ready for the kids to see it (plus i just appreciate the time we have as a family more than ever)
c) at this point she does not have a lawyer and I do not want to frighten her into thinking she needs one ASAP. 

That said, I am going to church by myself sunday morning-- we have never done this since we have been married-- and tomorrow evening I am going to an exercise group. 

She will be out sat night w/ friends (drinking). She is probably going to start working part time in the next couple weeks. Told her goodbye this morning while she was still in bed-- shouldnt have done that and she told me i needed to stop. My bad. 

I definitelly need to work through those impulses, stop myself from doing those things, and then just come home from work smiling.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

M042 said:


> I am not trying to FORCE her financially to stay married; I am just saying for financial reasons she cannot move out yet and we have not filed.
> 
> I am looking for some encouragement here and some advice about how I should go forward-- and yes due to financial circumstances she will be around to see how I am.
> 
> ...


this is the point. If you want a chance at having her back she needs to see what is like with you not taking care of her. Period. Not financially, emotionally or physically. 
You need to only be concerned about bettering you. She wants to leave then fine, leave, I cannot control you, only me. I will not allow you to further hurt me though, not emotionally, or financially. I will do what I am required to do by the legal process and that is it. Not a cup of coffee more than that.
Also stop engaging with her. At all. YES, I KNOW YOU LIVE WITH HER. That does not mean you need to talk to her about anything not pertinent to the circumstances involving her leaving. Your strength and independence will shock her if you accomplish doing this stuff and anything else will show her that she is making the right choice for leaving. Your one and only shot is the 180 process. Do it, follow it, and do not allow for the excuses as to why you slip from doing it like I LOVE HER.
If you do, then you must stick to it as it is described, not if and when you want to. 
Every time you slip, it sends you backwards. This is not quitting smoking, it is more important than that. Do not slip, stick to it.
You want her to want you and you can't achieve it by acting love sick with her.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

M042 said:


> If she was handed $50k in cash in the next 24 hours she would be moved out-- both she knows it and I know it. Yesterday was the FIRST day I was at home since she told me at MC that she wants a counselor.
> 
> When she said 'i definitely didnt deserve you' she may have been 'keeping the peace' but it is also what her mom, dad, brother and aunt have told her in the last 5 days.
> 
> ...


When she said "it is already done", and says "she does not deserve you." She is feeling some serious guilt. Sorry man, but I think she cheated.
You thought you where going to MC with her and got hit with her D talk. She was going to come clean in counseling and decided to D instead of being honest, IMO. I really think she cheated, sorry.


----------

