# Appropriate Friendships



## AHoaktx (May 9, 2017)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years now and I feel like we really have a strong healthy happy relationship. My question is what kinds of friendships are appropriate? My husband has four older sisters and get along easily with women. He moved into a tough position at work a year ago and became good friends with one of the women on his team. She moved to another location recently and has been having a tough time. My husband travels for a few days out of the month where she is for work and they have dinner (with other coworkers) or catch up over coffee. She's been having a tough time and he offers her support. He's worked and been friends with lots of women but I know he's quite close with her in a way he never has been with anyone else. Last weekend after he got home I brought up to him that I felt a little uncomfortable with how close his relationship is to her. He agreed that he is close with her but she feels like a sister to him. When I voiced my concern over how those feelings could potentially turn into something more and that I didn't feel as a married man it was his role to emotionally support her and asked him whether he would feel comfortable if it was me and another man, he quickly agreed that it would make him uncomfortable and that he would distance his relationship with her. The thing is that I know he feels like I don't have complete trust in him and I do, I just hear a lot of divorce stories these days, and especially the ones where supposedly everything was great and then one of them clicked with another person and that was the end of it. However, those people are not us. I told him I don't expect him not to be friends with her but just to make sure he protects us, part of which is stepping back from all the texting and being the one who she comes to with problems. Then a friend posted on FB how she encourages any women to call, talk to or even express their love for her significant other because she trusts him and he's the one that made a promise to her. So I wonder how others feel in their marriages. - was the relationship my husband had with her fine or is it inappropriate to have close relationships with the opposite sex?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It was asking for trouble. Inappropriate, especially if it made you at all uncomfortable.

The very worst thing someone can do is attempt to reason themselves out of feeling uneasy with a relationship a spouse is having with someone else. If it feels wrong, at all, it is wrong.

And no matter what the spouse thinks of that assessment, if he loves you he will respect your feelings and act in accordance with what will make you feel good. No matter how he thinks about your feelings regarding your unease.

That's the opinion of this old man.

But I am a wild child of the 60's, so I don't think my opinion is very conservative at all. My wife tells me I am not a jealous guy at all. I know she isn't a jealous gal.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, it really depends on what you agree to as a couple, how much you trust each other, how well you each can enforce boundaries (in other areas as well, as that can be indicative for this), and how much is communicated about any interactions with others.

For us, we completely trust that any platonic relationships we each have will remain that way (because we've agreed that they will), even if the friend tries to overstep that boundary (we'd have to enforce our own boundaries, and if the friend won't respect that, they won't continue to be a friend). We can even go alone to an opposite sex friend's house for the evening to watch a movie and drink wine - and nothing inappropriate would happen. If I were in a different primary relationship with someone else, it might not work this way - they might not trust me, or vice versa, even if we are completely reliable. It's a matter of beliefs and expectations, and often past problems with someone.


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## UnluckyOne (May 2, 2017)

I get the having woman friends. But, to spend money and time away from your to go to another woman's aid to "comfort" her? I'm a guy and that sounds like a red flag. Not saying something is happening or you should call the Cheaters show and hide in a van to confront him on TV lol But, sounds like he's a stage that he feels that whatever he does is no wrong. If I ever told my wife that I'm heading to a 2 hr trip to make my "friend" feel better and support her she'll flip out. As I would do the same. Friends are friends and marriage is marriage. Lines have been crossed in yours and as much as I hate to say it... You sort of let it get to that point. It's not late though have a talk and start drawing those lines. Reverse the roles like you did and stick by it. If he would fee uncomfortable of you traveling for a guy friend then he should too.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here and 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us). I'm 59 years old and my husband is 61 years old. It is not appropriate for a married man to be that close to another woman as this will interfere with the bonding time with your spouse. You need to safeguard your marriage by placing strong boundaries. It's a slippery slope when you let relationships like this go on. Nip it in the bud as quickly as you can.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AHoaktx said:


> My husband and I have been married for 12 years now and I feel like we really have a strong healthy happy relationship. My question is what kinds of friendships are appropriate? My husband has four older sisters and get along easily with women. He moved into a tough position at work a year ago and became good friends with one of the women on his team. She moved to another location recently and has been having a tough time. My husband travels for a few days out of the month where she is for work and they have dinner (with other coworkers) or catch up over coffee. She's been having a tough time and he offers her support. He's worked and been friends with lots of women but I know he's quite close with her in a way he never has been with anyone else. Last weekend after he got home I brought up to him that I felt a little uncomfortable with how close his relationship is to her. He agreed that he is close with her but she feels like a sister to him. When I voiced my concern over how those feelings could potentially turn into something more and that I didn't feel as a married man it was his role to emotionally support her and asked him whether he would feel comfortable if it was me and another man, he quickly agreed that it would make him uncomfortable and that he would distance his relationship with her. The thing is that I know he feels like I don't have complete trust in him and I do, I just hear a lot of divorce stories these days, and especially the ones where supposedly everything was great and then one of them clicked with another person and that was the end of it. However, those people are not us. I told him I don't expect him not to be friends with her but just to make sure he protects us, part of which is stepping back from all the texting and being the one who she comes to with problems. Then a friend posted on FB how she encourages any women to call, talk to or even express their love for her significant other because she trusts him and he's the one that made a promise to her. So I wonder how others feel in their marriages. - was the relationship my husband had with her fine or is it inappropriate to have close relationships with the opposite sex?


I think you handled it well. I am a husband and I don't think it is appropriate. My role as a supporter if for my wife and that's it when it comes to other females. Unless they are Family. Frankly I would keep an eye on it. You are entitled to your boundaries as his wife. That is part of the deal he made when marring you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

AHoaktx said:


> I told him I don't expect him not to be friends with her


BIG BIG BIG mistake here.

You REALLY REALLY REALLY need to read this book. Very Very Very soon.

https://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm


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## AHoaktx0 (May 9, 2017)

I appreciate everyone's comments. I think I was looking for additional validation that I wasn't being crazy. To clarify, he and his team travel to the location she's been transferred to for work each month, he's not traveling there by himself for her. He at first told me that there wasn't anything to be worried about, but when I asked him if he would be comfortable if I was texting and the source of support for another man I could see that he understood what I meant and agreed. It's inevitable that they will see each other and I do believe that it was platonic, it's just the potential that concerned me and that he would be aware of it as well.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I am a professional woman who works in what is traditionally a man’s field. Married or not it is inappropriate to have relationships with the opposite sex outside of the work environment. The only place I would mingle socially with employees outside of work is at company sponsored events where employee families are also invited (BBQ’s, picnics and such).

The reasons are two-fold. First, what happens if the opposite sex co-worker gets the idea that you want to date him/her? Second, what if there is a rift in the relationship? I won’t even carpool alone with a male co-worker. These types of relationships almost always result in problems in the workplace. The old rule that “you don’t **** where you eat” is very true. Even outside of work both of you should only have opposite sex friendships where BOTH of you are friends with the person and are only together in group activities where both husband and wife are present.

Bottom line is that you want your spouse to be emotionally invested in you only, not another man or woman. Your husband needs to cut all contact with this female colleague other than what is necessary for work.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> BIG BIG BIG mistake here.
> 
> You REALLY REALLY REALLY need to read this book. Very Very Very soon.
> 
> https://www.shirleyglass.com/book.htm


You and your husband should read that book that @Hope1964 linked.
It is essential reading for any person in a committed relationship.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It is my belief that your H should consider your feelings and if you are bothered by his interaction with this woman then he should honor and respect that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

For the most part I think you handled it really well.

Always remember- she is NOT his sister though...I loathe that excuse. I'm amazed how many people I know have ended up banging the people they describe as being just like their siblings. :scratchhead:

He needs to reel this relationship back to next to nothing. Pronto. They should never go out by themselves to "catch up". That's a date. They should not be texting about anything personal, and never outside of work hours. That's flirting. 

Your concerns are not overboard or jealous. You are protecting your marriage. You need to, because we live in a society where idiot wives brag on social media about encouraging other women to express their love to their husband. Beyond ridiculous. When I read crap like that I immediately assume they recently found out they are being cheated on and are trying to save face. Maybe I'm just too negative, but that is my gut reaction to such stupidity. 

YOU have it right. I like that your husband agreed that he wouldn't want you doing this crap either. Sounds like you are a good solid couple. Keep your radar strong, and don't let others make you second guess your feelings within your marriage. 

I wish you and your hubby many more years of happiness.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, it really depends on what you agree to as a couple, how much you trust each other, how well you each can enforce boundaries (in other areas as well, as that can be indicative for this), and how much is communicated about any interactions with others.
> 
> For us, we completely trust that any platonic relationships we each have will remain that way (because we've agreed that they will), even if the friend tries to overstep that boundary (we'd have to enforce our own boundaries, and if the friend won't respect that, they won't continue to be a friend). We can even go alone to an opposite sex friend's house for the evening to watch a movie and drink wine - and nothing inappropriate would happen. If I were in a different primary relationship with someone else, it might not work this way - they might not trust me, or vice versa, even if we are completely reliable. It's a matter of beliefs and expectations, and often past problems with someone.


Well you just saved me a long post. This is how we operated.

I also find that boundaries naturally set in. My wife doesn't tend to make a lot of new friends, however I do. Mostly same sex, but I have made a couple female friends over the last couple years. One of them was a woman from church, attractive, much older than me, but she looked younger. She was getting too attached on some level, trying to hide behind our "spiritual connection", and she said something derogatory about my wife to me. DONE. End of relationship, instant. She was shocked at how swift I shut her down.

We didn't get married to police each others friends. But we do not ever, ever deal with any level of disrespect from any friends toward each other. In our nearly 17 years together we've had only one hairy situation, and that was on the part of my wife when we were really young, and it involved her still being friends with an ex-boyfriend.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There’s no reason AT ALL for a single woman (or married) to be non-stop texting your husband, after work hours. None at all. Your story is like probably the fifth one I’ve read on here, where the woman is having a ‘’tough time,’’ and is in need of a married man’s help. Lol As if there's NO ONE else in the whole world to help them out. 

Your husband loves you, and is respectful and is lessening the contact. He should cease any texts at all tbh, that have nothing to do with work. If she’s having a tough time, she should find a boyfriend or a therapist to help her out. Your husband is neither.

Hope he continues to respect your marital boundaries


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