# My long path to divorce- Don't know where to go from here



## schiller45 (Jul 7, 2013)

This evening, I told my wife that I don’t want to be married to her anymore. This ends a long, sad journey that has lasted nearly two years and leaves me at a destination that I never wanted to be at. 

I did not envision myself a 28 year old divorcee. I had a life plan, and that plan included my wife and me, living together, happy, growing old together. Was our marriage perfect? Of course not. We got together young - while we were 18 - and i think we never really learned to be adults in an adult marriage. I was not good at communication. Not good at telling her that I didn’t like it when she was a little controlling. 

Our relationship started with me as a lonely kid that meets a beautiful girl and thinks “there’s no way this can be real.” I had no self esteem. I suffered from anxiety. I was, at times, depressed. This girl brought light to my life in a way that nobody had. She found me interesting. She made me happy. We told each other that we loved one another very early on. I meant it. I not only said i would do anything for her - i actually did. 

I believe this set a precedent for our relationship that continues today. I try to make her happy, often times at the expense of my own happiness. I do this with nearly everyone in my life. It’s something I need to work though, and I am. 

My NEED to make her happy is what i believe ultimately led to her infidelity. In 2012, my wife began an eight month affair with a coworker. Looking back, the signs were clear as day, but the cheated-on never wants to believe that their spouse could do such a thing. I was suspicious, and raised my concerns with her. She told me my anxiety was what was causing my concern. I will never forgive her for that statement. 

During this eight month span, my wife and I bought a house. I found out about a month after we closed on it. My suspicion got the best of me, and I looked on her facebook while I knew she was chatting with someone on it. She was having a very graphic conversation with him. My proof was there. 

I was numb. I felt like ice water was running through my veins. I was shaking out of control. I downed a glass of wine to try to gain control of myself. It did nothing. 

I walked upstairs to confront her. She had heard me coming and ended their video chat. She was naked. I couldn’t even say anything. I turned around and walked downstairs. I was shaking out of control. I went back upstairs and she was still naked. She said she was waiting for me to come upstairs after we had gotten home. I felt my love for her fade in that exact moment. 

I got trickle truthed by her that night, and over the next couple months. They had been in a relationship for 8 months. I had a compulsion to know everything. Every little detail. She could never give me every little detail - who can remember everything about every day? Not knowing everything only made me more suspicious and more angry. I said plenty of things to her that shouldn’t be said to someone, but only in between the long weeks of silence between us. I didn’t leave because i had nowhere to go. I had a misguided notion that I shouldn’t tell any of my friends or family in case we somehow fixed things. That was a massive mistake, as I have come to find out. it’s hard to deal with something like this alone.

At some point I decided that I would try to get passed it and move on, and forgive her. Long story short, my love for her never returned. I never really WANTED to get passed it. I never really wanted to forgive her. We went to counseling. We went on vacation. We bought things. We played house. It all didn’t work.

By the time the winter of 2013 - 2014 rolled around, I was at my breaking point. I was miserable, living with someone that I cared about, but wasn’t in love with. I might have hated her, but I was too depressed to do anything about it. I shut down. 

We fought a lot. That’s pretty much all we did between December 2013 and May 2014. In May, I moved out. I moved into my parents’ house. It began as a couple day stay with them, and four months later, I’m still here. 

We have been seeing a counselor, who effectively acts as a moderator between us, because all we do is fight when we talk. It was in tonight’s session that I told her I didn’t want to be married to her anymore. She ripped my world apart. Ruined my sense of trust in people. It’s going to take years to build back up. 

She cried. I cried. She wants me to be with her, but I know i can’t. I want to want to stay with her, but I don’t. I just don’t. 

So, I’m a 28 year old soon-to-be divorcee who lives at home. I have a good career, and am what I consider an okay guy, but I’m not always great with people and I frankly consider myself a five or 6 out of ten. I’m just… forgettable. I’m alone. I slowly lost touch with almost all of my friends because I devoted all of my time and energy to my wife. They’re in my life, but now they have their own lives. Their own relationships. 

Does anyone have any advice as to how to get past the constant depression and doubt i feel? This is really hard.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> but I’m not always great with people and I frankly consider myself a five or 6 out of ten. I’m just… forgettable.





> Does anyone have any advice as to how to get past the constant depression and doubt i feel?


schiller

Stop thinking like you are forgettable and you will get past the the depression and doubt.

You are a successful man that married the wrong person.

It happens.

So get your D done. Break off all ties with your STBXW.

Then get out of your mom and dads house to start your life anew.

It all starts with you and by deciding to divorce your wife you have taken the first step.

You have to get over that pain before you can work on yourself.

You have to feel attractive and make yourself rememberable. *Once you feel it then you will be happy with yourself.*

That is the key to people noticing you and wanting to be associated with you. Be happy.

It has worked for me all of my adult life.

Your wife turned out to be a lemon. But you have plenty of time for your life to become the dream you planned it to be.

Now start today.

HM

PS
Go join a club or nonprofit group as a way of meeting new people. 

Then after your divorce go do something crazy. Get the adrenaline flowing. Go on a trip by yourself. ANything.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Start working out and go absolutely no contact in the first few months

Do the family know what she did ?

Surround yourself with support network. You need not protect her.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

move back home
kick her out
file for divorce

you are far too young to be miserable...talk to a lawyer and find out how long you need to be BACK in that house before you serve her arse with D papers, so she cant say you abandoned her or moved out...

please dont bring kids into this nightmere...get out while u can with your dignity intact...you have too many years ahead of u to stick with status quo


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

When you fight, what are the fights about ?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

schiller45 said:


> Not to sound like a pompous ass, but compared to me (fast riser in a major company, goal oriented, wants a family, responsible, etc).


Hang in there. You’re just what 30 year old women are looking for. Look here:

30 Is the New 50: "Old Age" is Killing My Dating Life | xoJane


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Sorry Dude.
I think the 180 that everyone talks about is a good rule of thumb now. Cut all contact with her, speak through your lawyers. The healing will be a lot easier that way I'm thinking. Stay as busy as possible and hopefully you have a good group of friends you can vent to, and we, here on TAM are always here too. Keep us updated....and whatever you do, don't let her have the house! If nothing else, sell it or let her buy your half. If it were me I'd want to cut off all ties especially since there are no kids involved, thank God.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sorry man. I can relate a bit. Think about being 28 and nothing in the future. On the contrary, your life will improve and finding someone down the road assured. I walked that road. 

180 for sure. Your lawyer talks for you, period. For me, cutting all contact worked best. Eventually my heart healed. I found a new love. The memory of what was and destroyed is all but gone for good.


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## DaytoDay (Jun 23, 2013)

Schiller, please don't misinterpret my response here. I completely understand your heartache because of her betrayal. It's real, and you'll need time to heal. I'm not diminishing that.

However, as for the outlook going forward...

I would LOVE to be in the situation you're in, with most of my life ahead of me, the world of prospects wide open for me, and no children yet linking me to that person for the rest of my life. I know it looks bleak and you're going through a lot of pain, but you really are lucky to be going through this at this stage of life. You could be like many of the others here that are closer to the end of life and everything then knew is gone with little time to rebuild it, or else mid-life with 4 kids from 5-15, having to look forward to the only two options being the unavoidable perils of a blended family, or a long, lonely single-parent life as they watch their sexual prowess go out the window.

You have many blessings still to count if you just look. ((hug)) You're going to come out of the other side of this grateful that she showed you her true colors now rather than later. Like happyman said, you're a great guy that just married the wrong person.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Daytoday is correct, schiller. I know it hurts right now. It truly sucks to know that your spouse could betray you this way. Good for you, though, for standing on your self respect and cutting the cord now rather than staying and getting in deeper. 28 is a wonderful age, and you are on the cusp. So, reframe your thinking. You are not forgettable. You have just dimmed your light due to your marriage. You are about to step into the powerful portion of your life and the next 20 years are going to be amazing. Work on your career, get out socially, make new friends through meetup.com (and other ways), join a health club. Just stay busy and focus on the moment you are in.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Start with a good foundation - if you are a drinker or do drugs, stop.

Join a real gym that gets results like a Crossfit or a Pilates studio and get the flat waist and toned body. Paleo Diet will make this easy.

Get a new haircut from somewhere expensive. Get your teeth whitened professionally. Make a committment to being well dressed. (check out Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love)

If you don't feel confident consider voice lessons from a trainer as well. 

Read up on the PUA books (some good pointers are actually in there) and MMSL by Athol Kay.

28 years old? You have your whole life in front of you.

Good luck and keep your chin up.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

missthelove2013 said:


> you are far too young to be miserable


At what age is misery a normal and accepted behavior?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

schiller, 

You're absolutely smart to want to divorce your wife. Not that she's the most horrible person in the world (she might or might not be), but she's a trigger for your worst fears. Much like an abusive parent that must be abandoned in order for a child to heal.

I lived your life since late teenage-hood till 29, so I know exactly how you feel. A 12 year relationship/marriage that at the end ignited the worst fears and feelings in me on a consistent basis. I was always a codependent 'fixer' like you. 

The following link helped me a lot. It caused multiple epiphanies on different occasions. I personally keep it open in my browser all the time (it's been 2 years since I first read it).

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

The best thing you can do for both you and your wife is to divorce. It gives both of you a chance to heal, grow and start fresh at a relatively young age. Don't miss out on this opportunity. It really is one.

Keep posting here and never fear writing about your feelings. If you keep posting, this thread will serve as a valuable reference in the future. My own thread (which started very similar to yours) has served as a pillar of my recovery. You can find it in the Private section. It's called "I should just divorce her"

There really is a better world on the other side man. You may not believe it right now, but it's true. I too had to learn this the hard way.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You were too co-dependent. All the arguing and screaming matches were not the right way to deal with the post affair period. Not trying to knock you, but they didn't make you feel better.

I agree with the suggestion that you get into Crossfit, rockclimbing or some other fitness program that builds self esteem.

Also, since you had a deep emotional connection to your ex, could you forgive her. Write her a letter that is only positive. As her to forgive you for your shortcomings. Don't discuss the affair at all. By asking her to forgive you, you may gain closure. Whatever she did wrong is on her.


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## schiller45 (Jul 7, 2013)

Thanks for your replies, everyone. I really appreciate this community of like-minded people. Most of my friends are not even married. None of them are divorced. I am not a child of divorce. It's hard living through a problem nobody understands.

I feel the need to address several things:

1) I wrote my original post when I was in a pretty bad spot emotionally. While I recognize that I need to put in significant work with regards to my self confidence, I also recognize that I probably was pretty hard on myself in that post. it of course depends on the day, but I generally feel like a guy who a girl should feel lucky to have. 

2) The house. Someone brought this up - that i should go take it back, etc. I don't want the house. It reminds me of everything bad and I don't want anything to do with it.

3) During my best days, I DO feel lucky that I have my whole life ahead of me. I feel so ****ing thankful every day that I don't have kids. I hope nobody took my initial post as a "woe is me" type of thing, when I understand this thing becomes 10x more difficult when you have kids. But I'm me, and I don't have any other baseline to work off of. this feels awful. Kids or no kids.

4) I like to run, and do need to work out a bit. I'm 190, should be at around 175. I've had nagging injuries all year, which have kept me from running. I don't have a car, so I can't really join a gym unless it's near my work. Unfortunately, i work in a major US city, where a gym membership costs like $200 a month. I'd love to but just can't right now. Running as much as i can.

5) It has felt very good connecting with my friends again - the ones that I lost touch with because of my marriage. I'm trying to be more social. I'm doing nofap and i feel more outgoing and more in charge of myself. It's nice. 

I'll keep posting. I talked with a lawyer a few weeks ago, and it will essentially drain me financially if i have to use the lawyer a lot. I just found out that my work has a legal team on retainer, and they cover divorces. Free up to 28 hours. Going to check that out.

Thanks again everyone


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Going to check that out.


Milk it all the way. It's yours and a simple tax write-off for them.

Read the link I gave you.


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## schiller45 (Jul 7, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Milk it all the way. It's yours and a simple tax write-off for them.
> 
> Read the link I gave you.


I read it. A lot of it rings true. My mom is someone who constantly is looking to make other people happy, including my dad. I think this is where I picked that up from. I'm working through it with an IC. Good article. Thanks again for sharing it!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So you attempted reconciliation for about a year?

How much money did you put into the house?

Is going to buy you out?

What sort of work does she do? Can she afford the mortgage on her own?

Did her parents divorce?

Is there some explanation?

Borderline personality?

Eight months is a long affair.

Did you plan to have children?

At the biological level she was trying to have another man's child for you to raise.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Schiller,

Sorry you are going through this.

Someone mentioned co-depedency in an earlier post. I have never suggested this to any TAMers but for some reason I think you might get some value by finding and joining a CODA support group.

If nothing else, it gives you another activity to add to your social life.

Best of luck, be strong,
Stretch


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## schiller45 (Jul 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> So you attempted reconciliation for about a year?
> 
> How much money did you put into the house?
> 
> ...


I attempted reconciliation for over a year. Realized I just couldn't do it. We paid about $225K for our house, are 2 years in on the mortgage, and the value has increased fairly significantly. At WORST, we should be able to break even.

She cannot afford the mortgage on her own. I could if i had to, but it would make me house-poor.

Her parents are not divorced, but her dad can be a real *******.

I wanted kids someday. she was indifferent on the idea of having kids, leaning towards not wanting them.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So have you met with an attorney to plan the divorce and sell the house?

Take your wife with you and keep it amicable.

It is just another consequence she needs to face.


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