# Revealing terms of the divorce



## Cooper

Quick background; divorced three years, kids stayed with me and continue to live with me, as part of the settelment I gave up child support to lessen spousal support. ex moved out of our family home and into her boyfriends (now husband) home so had no major living expensives during the divorce, in the end she skated out of our marriage with $228,000 in cash and assets(including a two year old SUV, nice truck and $12,000 horse trailer) but is always crying financial hardship to our kids.

Several months back my ex and her family (mom, dad, brother and sister and their families) decided in the summer of 2012 they wanted to take an expensive vacation, my ex sent me an email and asked me to pay for our kids (2) part of the trip. I told her if she wants to take the kids on an expensive vacation that's for her to pay for, not me. I asked my daughter last night about the trip and she said her and my son weren't going because they can't afford it, my daughter is a 20 year old college kid (which I pay for) and my son is a high school senior. My ex told my daughter she couldn't afford to pay for their part of the trip and since I said I wouldn't help they need to pay their own way if they want to go, around $900 each. 

I have never shared the details of the divorce settelment with my kids but am very tempted at times, I get very, very tired of the ex always crying to everyone how hard her life is, she has always loved to play the victim. There hasn't been any drama between me and the ex because I just let everything slide but it really bothers me she has turned me into the bad guy over this trip. 

Does it make any sense to lay out the divorce settelment for the kids? The thing that always stops me is I don't want to hurt the kids by making their mom look bad. Do the kids have the right to know how much their mom took with her in dollars? Do they have the right to know that she doesn't pay anything toward their expensives? I kind of feel vindictive to want to share that info with the kids, and I hate to create that kind of atmosphere.

Any input? I've stewed about this all morning, at least I feel better venting a little!lol


----------



## jayde

You are tempted to reveal the details to make sure that your kids know that you have tried to be fair and reasonalble throughout all this. I bet they already know that more from your actions (and your ex's) than from any settlement deets you can give them. You are also not feeling completely right about doing this - since in some way, you would be stooping to your ex's level by comparing financial numbers (which is no one else's business). And you are a better man than that.

To be fair, if your ex is really interested in your kids going on the vacation, she ought to plan to be able to bring them herself. Telling the kids that she would want them to come IF someone else pays for them is selfish and mean-spirited. She (and her family) is creating a situation where she can't, or refuses to influence a positive outcome or she wants your kids have to do this themselves - which is beyond their means at this point. If the whole family donwgraded the vacation by a little bit, there would be collectively the cash for the kids to go along. As you described they are all being selfish.


----------



## nice777guy

I would not burden them with the details or terms.

I would keep it very "high level" and explain that in most divorces - each spouse pays for their "own" vacations with the children.

Remind them of the cost of going to school and that you are the one bearing that cost.

Stay on that "high road." If your Ex does this stuff enough ("its always Dad's fault") - the kids will catch on.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

Cooper:
Make some vacation plans for you and the kids together----you deserve it!


----------



## Shaggy

They are old enough to know the terms of the divorce settlement.

Why pay for your kids to go on a nice vacation with her and the guy she cheated with? If are going to spend money on vacations you shoud take them with your kids.

Let her pay for what she wants to do with them. Seriously she must be quite the selfish piece of work your ex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lon

Cooper, don't know the law in Ohio, but in many jurisdictions (like Canada) you cannot negotiate away child support. My friend actually did so in a similar arrangement to you, he gave a cash settlement in lieu of child support (he is 50/50 coparent but at the time of separation earned more than his spouse so was technically required to pay child support). After his xw burned through the cash she filed for child support and was awarded it, basically the cash settlement was for nought.

If possible, and she is going to fight over finances, you should consider seeking child support again, even seek retroactive payments, or atleast use the threat as a negotiating tool.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Wow, she's a piece of work, isn't she?  

I wouldn't stoop to her level. If the kids ever ask about the terms of the settlement I guess you can talk to them. They are practically adults at this point but for to bring it up at this point sounds pointless. 

I would just say that you can't afford to fork over almost 2 grand to send them on vacation, which I'm assuming is the truth and even if you can, why should you pay for HER vacation plans?

Your kids will live. I have to say "no" to my kids a lot because I simply CAN NOT pay for everything so often they have to go without things but they appreciate what they get. That's life. As for what's up with my husband and HIS lifestyle, they know the score and see things for themselves, I don't have to tell them what's up. 

That said, I'm taking both my kids on a ski vacation in February and I'm the one paying for it. It's my choice to go and I'm footing the bill for my kids. I'd never think to ask my husband for money. When he took us all away this past summer he paid the expenses. I figure whoever comes up with the idea for a family vacation foots the bill. 

In the meantime, I'd just let your ex know that if she plans on taking vacations with the kids to plan on paying for them, so they won't be disappointed when they can't go. It's not unreasonable for her to take vacations without them but it's unreasonable for her to expect you to pay for her plans. She should be on her own. 

Personally I think you were too generous letting her off without support when you are the custodial parent. In tying it to the spousal support and not to the kids it's all to easy to forget that she HAS kids. Child support should be about the kids.


----------



## Cooper

I have no intention of being guilted into paying for the vacation, and I place no blame on the rest of my ex in laws about this, they have always been very generous to my kids, as I have been to theirs. No, this is just my ex playing her silly little victim game again. 

The kids and I do take some little trips here and there, but we didn't do a large vacation this year. I am sending both my kids on vacation individually though, my daughter is going to visit her best friend on the other side of the country in April and my son is going to Colorado for a senior ski trip, both those trips are being funded by me, myself and I. Even if those trips weren't already planned I still wouldn't pay for any of my ex's trip though. 

As for child support, technically she should have started paying child support when I stopped paying spousal support but by then my daughter had graduated HS and support for just my son was around $40.00 a month and that forty bucks just doesn't seem worth the drama and headaches that would be attached to it. 

Thanks for all the input, I knew it wouldn't accomplish anything by sharing the terms of the divorce with the kids, I just needed others to confirm that to keep me from popping my lid one of these days.

Thanks all


----------



## LonelyNLost

I wouldn't go into details on the divorce, but they are old enough to know all that if they asked those questions. That being said, there's nothing wrong with telling your kids that you pay all of their expenses, their mom doesn't contribute, and things were settled financially when the divorce was final. Tell them that you pay for vacations you want to take them on, and she should pay for vacations she wants to take them on. Fair is fair.


----------



## Scannerguard

Take the time to explain your financial priorities - saving for college, retirement, emergencies, not vacations. . .the kids are entitled to food, shelter, and healthcare, not vacations.

Sheesh.


----------

