# His Money???



## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for 5 yrs now and he's a great man, but there is one thing that has always bugged me about him, his wants always seem to come before my needs,and money spend on the house is always considered money I spent. 
For instance, last year we used our income tax to buy him a new car, which would have been fine, except he got the 1st new car... That he picked out. Then he got another new car and I got the one he no longer wanted to drive. Granted it's technically the "nicer" car, but I kinda want something *I* picked out.
This year we bought a house, which didn't come with a washer and dryer, so I used our income tax to pick up a set. It wasn't the cheapest set, but since I'm going to be using it for the next 10ish years I wanted to get something I liked. It's a 4.3 star rated set from Maytag that totaled $1700. What bugs me is this is now money *I* spent from our income tax and with that and a new pair of glasses I've used up "my share." What did he spend "his share" on? A 60" LED TV, surround sound system, and a PS3... And he wants to build himself a new computer because the laptop we bought him in August won't run Starcraft II on the graphics setting he want it to, another $700-$800. BUT we don't get to build a fence for our yard this year for the kids and dog and I still don't get to have my wisdom teeth removed, that'll have to come our of "my share" of the income tax next year I guess...
Is it wrong that I'm upset about this? This is a subject we've talked about A LOT, but he just doesn't get it =(


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Knowing him I would have used my share on something fun and let him figure out how to buy the appliances. Lol


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, he sounds selfish. Since its YOUR washer, don't let him use it! JK Wisdom teeth less important than a TV? They usually need to be removed for a reason and can cause additional problems if they are not removed. sounds like you need some MC.

What if you just scheduled your wisdom teeth surgery? Enforce some boundaries about your health. What would his reaction be. If you are afraid of his reaction, then you have additional problems.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You two aren't working together on finances.

Washer and dryer and household budget items are NOT his or hers. Neither is a TV or play station. Buying a new car however, is a his or her item. Healthcare needs trump everything.

My H and I used to keep a wish list for the household stuff and the expected cost. We each ranked the importance of the item. Then we talked it out so we could come to an agreement.

You two as keeping score in a way that completely undermines your ability to work together. Is picking out a new car that important to you, or is it just the principal that he has had two new cars and you haven't? Did you really need to spend that much on a washer/dryer or could you two have compromised so that you could get the household things AND take care of your teeth. IMO your teeth should have come first, then the washer/dryer and lastly the TV.

Keeping score will never amount to anything other than competition and someone always loses. 

You have to work together to agree on things before you buy. Until you two can do that, you are doomed to competing and losing.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I would suggest straight to MC before it gets out of hand.

Everyone has their own beliefs as to how $$ is handled in a marriage, and it seems your beliefs & hubbys are not in line with each other. In other words you need to establish some financial boundries.

Good luck.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

As someone speaking from experience about waiting about the wisdom teeth, I have no idea how old you are OP, but I waited and waited and waited to get mine taken care of for money reasons. 
I was 29 when I finally had them out, it was really rough. I had them done the end of January, it still isn't fully healed. 

I wouldn't push that off any longer, as the longer you wait, and the older you are, the more settled in your jaw those wisdom teeth are going to get, making removing them a real PITA. 

Do you have a HSA or FSA account through either of your jobs, are you contributing to it monthly to ensure you have money for medical bills? 

If not, or in addition, I'd recommending looking into a CareCredit account for dentist/doctors bills and seeing an Oral Surgeon who takes it, and you can make payments on it no-interest within the term time. 

All that being said, I'm kind of concerned about the attitude that medical bills are a his/hers kind of thing. He should care enough about you that your medical needs should be a household consideration before the new sweet gaming system he needs to pwn noobs on Starcraft. 

Also - if you have kids, how is wanting a washer/dryer a "want" of yours - are you not supposed to wash the kids clothes. Sure, you probably could have found something slightly less expensive/elaborate, but - the washing machine and dryer do work for the -household- and should be a -household- expense. Just because you might be the one using it the most, doesn't mean that everyone else (including him) isn't benefiting from it's presence. 

Why did he need two brand new cars? Are you now making payments on two brand new cars? That seems a bit excessive, regardless of who picked out what. I might recommend a financial or marriage counselor, when you are buying brand new cars and flat screen TVs, and new computers once a year, but medical bills aren't getting considered, something needs to change.


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

Lol =) I should clarify. Neither car is new, just new top US. One we had a loan loan that we've paid off and one we paid for in cash. I'm 21. So far I've only needed to have my wisdom teeth removed for about a year. I had 2k saved up for it, but I have no insurance and I have two partial wisdom teeth that are going to cost me an extra $600. And we do have kids, the you
nger one is in the middle of potty training so not having a washer was not an option in my eyes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What's a "new top US?" What are they Jaguars? Mustangs? Ford GTs?


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: His Money???*



Starstarfish said:


> What's a "new top US?" What are they Jaguars? Mustangs? Ford GTs?


I think she means " new to us"


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

IMO, there's no such thing as his money / her money in a marriage. All money goes into the marital pot. Out of that pot, come the utility bills, mortgage, food, clothing, medical expenses, insurance, car maintenance, gas and household purchases. A portion of what's left over goes into a joint savings account, another portion into a family holiday fund and what's left over is split between the couple to do with as they please.

Your tax refund, again IMO, should've first gone towards paying off any debts, necessary family purchases (the washing machine being one of them), and what was left over equally split between the two of you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You two are kids. He is still in 'manboy' mode and thinks his games are equal to house requirements.

You need to have a long talk about this. Ask questions: Are my teeth as important as Starcraft II? How much pain do you want me to suffer so you can play your games? Do you like clean laundry? Should I stop cleaning your laundry because you want to spend all our money on Call of Duty?

It's a tough transition. I would suggest to him that you set aside a 'fun' account. It will be WOEFULLY less then he wants...but it's his. No *****ing.

You need to do some kitchen table finances here. Get a big jar full of pennies and coins and set our your budget in coins, with each dollar equal to a penny (or $10).

Set out your monthly budget in coins and put out exactly what was spent last month by each of you. His stuff goes to one side, your stuff goes to another...and the kids/house/etc goes to a third.

He needs to see a graphical representation of what the kids, the house and he spends. By making him part of the process, he might start to plan a little more.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'd like to hear his side of the story. 

but from your description he dose sound like his priorities are screwed up somewhat.

who earns more?


I've been using a washer and dryer I bought on craigs list for 100$ for both and have had them for over 10 yrs. 

I think both of you competing for what you want instead of what you really need is part of the problem.

and your health should trump all ...if your in pain or if its messing up your teeth by waiting then by all means go get them taken out.

but I think alot of people are told they need to come out when in reality they don't. its a money make for them. still have my wisdom teeth. and they told me they will need to be removed 20yrs ago. 

maybe try to buy some dental insurance so it won't cost so much.



money is a tough issue with many marriages. you guys need to do bills together and have a game plan(budget) 

and whats up with grown men spending money and time on playing video games? I mean theres more to life than blips on a screen. such a waste of time that could be used for family activities.

if you have been trying to comunicate that and he is resistant then I don't know what to tell you he might just be a selfish person


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

We have Maytag laundry....and we love them.

He seems selfish to me. Sounds like you both need to talk about money and list some priorities. Money problems won't go away unless they are addressed. I know 3 friends who have experienced this the hard way. I wish you well.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

He's definitely selfish Meg. 

There are needs and there are wants.

Wisdom Teeth = need
Fence for kids = high priority want
60" TV = low priority want

I don't get fathers/husbands like that. I always look at myself last in my family. My number one priority in life is to make sure my family is taken care of. If there's anything left over after that...GREAT. But I enjoy sitting back and watching my kids frolicking in happiness and my wife enjoying herself more than me playing with the latest "toy".


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Just bought a reconditioned washer with a 90 warranty for $280.

I agree with the others that have suggested MC for you both.


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

Well I took some of the suggestions on here and wrote down everything that we needed to do with our money. In the list I included how everything affected our family anwhy I believe which needs and wants are the most important to our family. I explained that I understand why he wants the things he does,but we both have to look at the bigger picture. He seems to see every everything better when it's written down introns of in...d
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

*and why* *in front of him*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

So when are you getting your wisdom teeth out?


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

August. It's the next month I'll have time to recover... and he's going to save his bonuses to get a computer. The fence is going to have to wait until next year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

MegD said:


> last year *we used our income* tax to buy him a new car...
> 
> This year we bought a house, which didn't come with a washer and dryer, so [/b]I used our income tax[/b] to pick up a set. It wasn't the cheapest set, but since I'm going to be using it for the next 10ish years *I wanted to get something...*
> 
> ...


How does this work with your budget. Oh wait, let me guess, *you don't have a budget.* And that, in a nutshell, is your problem.

You need to created a budget, and then categorize the items in your budget as either necessities or luxuries. The necessities are the things you have to pay for, and the luxuries are the ones you don't.

Medical bills are a necessity, as is utility bills and your mortgage.

Buying a washer and dryer was a necessity. Buying a set without your husband's input was a huge error. Any major purchase should be a joint decision. You were over the line on that one.

I don't know about the cars, but the general rule we've followed is the one that drives the most miles drives the car with the *fewest* miles on it. The idea is to make the high-mileage car last longer by not driving it as much. It may seem backwards, but there is good logic behind it.

How old are the two of you? From your post, I would guess you are in your early 20's (or perhaps even teenagers), because you are basing your financial decisions off of emotion instead of logic. 

Both of you, make a budget and quit getting all emotional over money. You're married and can't have everything you want (I'm talking to you as well as him, so don't go pointing fingers).


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## MegD (Dec 24, 2012)

I don't appreciate your assumptions. We do have a budget that we stick to every month and before we bought or house we had a fairly substantial savings account as well. My husband was part of the decision making process for buying the washer and dryer and we've never made large purchases without talking it through with one another. The tv he bought was not a necessity by any means, but sometimes people need something extra too. I'm sure not everything you own is something you need. The tv was never the issue. It's something he's been talking about for years. He was patient waiting until our debts were paid and we were where we wanted to be in life. My issue was he wanted to keep spending money before other important things were tken care of
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Uh - if you are concerned about paying medical bills, and he doesn't see that as a priority, how is that really being where you want to be in life? Especially given that in the first post you indicate that upset you quite a bit? 

I'd say splitting the tax return to let either party figure out what to do with it, keeping tallies of who got what they wanted more, and then arguing about it after the fact isn't really working, even if your other budgeting systems are right on queue.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

Money matters is very crucial matter in married life. You need to talk about it. If you fail to resolve your issues, separate your earning from him. You two should have separate bank accounts.


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