# Help, he makes me so confused



## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Its been almost 2 months since my husband left me pregnant and alone. We live on separate islands because of his job, so it was easy for him to cut me off from his life. 
At the time I was devastated and went through so much emotionally. I couldn't get by a day without crying. I had begun to have contractions and had been placed on bed rest for a while. This was bad as I was in the middle of moving out of a house to a smaller apartment. A decision we both made to save money so that eventually I could move to where he is and be with him. 
This past Sunday, I decided I would be courteous and call him because I am having more complications (most likely due to the stress of everything) and I figured, I would let him know. Its still his son I am carrying. 
He proceeded to tell me that he was over with the relationship. (due to family pressure the divorce was going to happen no matter what, but prior to him not talking to me, he wanted to work it out and keep the relationship) That's it. Just like that, he was done and wanted out completely. He continued to say that the only relationship between us is because of the baby. 
I wanted to scream and kick and punch his face all at once. Instead I just fell to shambles and cried my ass off. Here he was throwing us away. I figured it would come to this and thought I was even prepared for it as he hadn't talked to me for about 2 months anyhow. He kept saying how he wanted a friendly relationship, lets be friends like before is what repeated over and over. I told him that that was not possible now and I would call him later after I calmed down. I needed to go and hung up on him. 
I called him back later that night and he started talking about random things, like I just called to shoot the ****, instead of talk about our futures. I then told him, you know what, I can't do this. I can't be your friend. I don't know how you can turn it on and off, but I can't just be in love with you one minute and then switch the love button to off. I don't have a love button. I loved you, and you didn't love me the same. I gave him a piece of my mind, nicely, I wasn't a tantrum throwing biatch or anything. And really he had nothing to say for himself. 
At the end of the conversation he asks, can I call you tomorrow? 
I was like, what? Why? 
He said, I want to remain a part of your life. 
WTF is that??? I was thinking that in my head. Seriously, what kind of warped mind is that?
But I caved, and said I guess he could call, but I made clear he didn't need any info on my life, as he was the one choosing to be out of it. 
The next night the same thing. 2 Nights in a row he asks, can I call you tomorrow? Then he says, I'm coming back on wed. Can we meet sometime, we have a lot to discuss. We NEED to meet. 
I was NOT comfortable with that, and told him, no. I'm just not ready to meet with you. 
But he called when he was here to say he had items that belonged to me that he wanted to return. So, I agreed to let him stop by my house. 
He tried to hug me as soon as he got in the door. I was like, um, no. I pulled away. As I have major back problems with this pregnancy, bed rest is what I am on yet again, and so, I had him bring a chair into the bedroom so we could talk. 
He was acting like nothing horrible ever happened. He kept finding reasons to 'accidentally' touch me. He stared at my wedding ring a lot, I guess because I still wear it. Technically we're still married, and idk why, I'm just not ready to remove it. At one point he said he forgot something of mine and had to go and get it. I walked him to the door and there he managed to surprise hug me. I tried to get out but he kept hugging me telling me its going to be okay and that we'll try to work out our relationship. He also said, we shouldn't just throw 'us' away. He kept hugging me and I started to cry.
I cried because the entire time, all I wanted was to say that he still loved me. That he wanted to be with me and maybe even if he didn't want to remain with me, to say that I had been an important part of his life. . . something, anything, because all I felt was like a piece of trash, so disposable, expendable. 
But now, here he was saying these things, and he even kissed me on the lips, and I couldn't, just my heart couldn't believe him. It didn't. I don't. I have no idea what to make of him. Is he only doing this because he wants something? Idk. 
I had told him that he had given up the right to be in the birthing room while I was delivering but welcome to be in the waiting room. He gave that up when he walked out on me, shut me out, and didn't even give a care to my health, nor the baby's. Is this his way of guaranteeing that I would let him in. 
And all the while last night while we're talking etc, his phone kept going off, some girl kept calling him. WE'RE STILL MARRIED! I just couldn't believe it. I really don't know what to believe anymore. 
I miss him so damn much it hurts my heart so bad. And it is really hard because I was honestly trying to move on, preparing myself to have this baby alone, to do everything on my own. I was starting to not cry as much, and to slowly start the healing process for the sake of my upcoming child, and for the other children I already have. And he just totally yanked my heart strings all out of whack again. 
I want to believe him so desperately but my heart just can't take that kind of trauma anymore. I can't. 
Any suggestions? I don't know what to do. I love him so much. I am trying to be strong and stand my ground, and then I am also a sucker for him. Melting at his words, and wanting to do anything to remain with him. 
*sigh* Its so frustrating.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye...i'm so sorry you have to go through that when you're pregnant...i know how hard it is to be pregnant ...and to have complications even harder... ((((HUGS)))
It seems like he wants you but he also misses the fun...he is also confused...as most of our spouses that left us on this side of the forum.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think he has realized or started to realize that he wants to fix things and get back together.

TRUST is really had to rebuild. It perfectly normal that you can't trust him, and it will take time. My wife and I are trying to rebuild it after a separation. Its not easy, but its worth it.

If you aren't currently doing MC, please start. Hopefully he is ready to commit and make it work. It sounds like you began to move on, but still wanted to make it work.

Communicate to him that you've felt disposable (i felt like this for awhile), how much he has hurt you, and what the past few months are like. Tell him that you want to make it work(i think you still want to make it work), and ask him if he want to make it work. No matter what he says, you probably won't be able to believe him, but if he does want to make it work, try to start trusting him (or at least give him time to show he is serious about it). It will be hard, but it is worth it to fix the marriage.

One of the biggest problems we had was feeling listened to when we talked. We listened, repeated what the other person said back to us, and then empethize with the other person. This might be helpful for you to have your husband say back to you want you think.

MC and separation is very hard. I can't imagine doing it while pregnant. Stay strong and Best of luck


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## kdruark (Feb 2, 2011)

Sweetie, Im so sorry u r still on this rollercoaster. I am still right there with you. One day goes great, the next Im a complete mess again. 

It sounds like ur spouse is still really confused but trying to figure things out, and possibly trying to make it work with u. I hope the latter part is whats really going on. I know that trusting him again and letting urself open up will be hard, but only u can decide if its worth the chance to get hurt again. 

I hope that u two work it out and end up happy. And if you cant, I hope that u can find happiness somewhere else. That is what I keep telling myself everyday. Thats all I can tell myself because that is all that I can control-my future and my happiness. 

I am trying to just look forward to my child coming in 9 weeks and hope that maybe that will fix this broken marriage. If seeing the child we created out of love doesnt change our marriage for the better, then it cant be fixed. If thats the case, then I will live my life for my son and only my son and make things the best I can for him.


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## mama wonder (Feb 10, 2011)

So sorry. You mean well, but it so sad that your man cannot seem to get things correctly.


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