# When to introduce the kids ...



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

We were separated since January and the divorce was final end of March. ExH now has a new girlfriend and is thinking of introducing our kids to her by the end of th year. My kids are 5 and 3.. I think it's too soon and am very bothered by this but he sees nothing wrong with it. Poor kids have moved out of their house, switchd schools and daycares and we're now moving again into our permanant house. What is protocal for introducing kids to new partners??


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The end of the year doesn't seem unreasonable to me. It means it's not a fling (most likely). 

How long do you feel is reasonable?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Mine are 12, 9 and 5. They've met two women I dated and became friends with. Only once were they ever around someone I was actively dating but her and I just kept our friend face on and followed a 3 foot rule so as to not give anything away. Unless I hear about it later in life they are all clueless as to how I know them. 

I think a lot of the timing has to do with where you are in your separation, divorce or post divorce status and how long you've been out of your relationship. One person hadn't dated in six years and her kids were begging her to find someone to date. Another was only separated 7 months but her kid was 15 and supported her finding some companionship.

So, if the ex is planning on mugging down around the kids then it would be best I think to wait until they are used to the idea that mommy and daddy aren't going to be together anymore versus being confused that dad's are supposed to be with multiple women or vice versa.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most people I know with small children wait 6 months. Many introduce them immediately, the children get attached, and then that person is gone within a short period.

The longer the better but 6 months is plenty of time. In a perfect world the children wouldn't be meeting these people because their parents would have a wonderful marriage but it's not a perfect world.


----------



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

My ex moved a dude in 3 months after I moved out. The marital home we had lived in for fourteen years, and had a D11 at.
I guess it depends on the lowdown, slime trail leaving type of person involved. Some just have the consciousness of a potato.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Kimberley,

As long as it is very close to the end of the year, I don't see an issue. There isn't a protocol. But, it's like I tell my kids when they ask about my current gf. "You will meet her when I am 100 pct sure I can love her for exactly who she is, and she can do the same for me. That takes time because I have to know her first."

All I can say is stay level headed about it. Do not allow your unapproval of your ex's actions show through. Be who you are and do what you think is right. Research it, and put your kids first in your life. All it takes is one parent doing right for the kids to have an example.


----------



## Clark G (Sep 5, 2012)

I had a few arguments with my ex on this subject. I would always introduce my son (in low key environments) to a potential mate once I saw a possible future. Hell we never know if things are going to work out or not and I would do so as someone else said in situations where I still had my Dad hat on and didn't indicate that this other person was more than a friend who was a girl (b/c I did have friends that were women).

Anyhow a couple did not work out and I remained friends with them for the most part so he didn't have to see the ugly side of things.

I just always went with the premonition that if a woman and if applicable her kids could not gel with us, then problems were happen and I needed to know that early on so more time was not wasted. 

Joe


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

All the professional advice we got was to wait a year, generally this is because it takes at least a year to see if a relationship has any future. Also it is not in the kids best interest to be meeting various potential partners,if the relationship does not work out then the kids get even more confused and some will even question if it was their fault.

My ex introduced his new partner after a few weeks to the kids, idiot :scratchhead: anyway it all went bad and they only lasted a couple of months, my daughter is still confused about the whole thing.

My partner and i waited for just on the 12 months then we had an all in meet at a festival, his kids and mine. It was a great way to do it as there were other people, lots to do and no one felt pressure to talk if they didn't want to. 

Blending families is the biggest killer of second marriages so we are doing all we can to get this part right. We won't live together for at least 5 years and we do not spend much time with each others kids. Even so it is an uphill struggle to blend families.

People that rush into meeting kids/ new partners are often setting everyone up for a big fall.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Much of what I've read suggests 6 months to a year. 

Some say that time frame is post divorce, some say since dating. 

Best thing to do in my opinion is be mindful and cautious. 

As with anything else, it depends on the situation, the kids, the new partner, etc. Too many variables to rubber stamp a set time limit. 

Try not to get hung up on what your ex is or isn't doing. X has a private life now which is completely out of your control, and vice versa. 

Focus on how you can best parent your kids when with them and let the rest go.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with waiting a year OR introducing them as friends. My kiddo has met two men I've dating in 10 years; I waited for 6 months only to have the relationship end at around 8-9 months, hence my agreeing with a year. I also think that's really soon for him to think he found someone. 

Maybe THAT is why my state requires a year's separation prior to divorcing - to prevent rebound marriages. I think it would be better to make everyone wait a year after getting a marriage license. 

And I briefly dated (as in 2 dates) a guy who then became a guy friend. She still thinks we're dating because we do stuff together and even took a short weekend trip together but we're not.

But you have no control over what he does and it doesn't matter if you like it or not. You'll have to let that go. You have no influence over him now. Instead, focus on YOU providing the most stable home life and help your kids settle in after the turmoil.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no written rule for when to introduce the kids. I get that you are upset as it is really soon after the divorce but he is his own man and will do whatever he want. all you can do is be there for your kids and support them.


----------

