# Confused...



## alvila (Sep 4, 2011)

I'm considering divorce. How do you know if it's what's best? I have a semi-roommate'ish relationship with my wife of almost 8 yrs, I feel distant, unattached and alone. I don't feel motivation to spend time with her and/or make plans to engage in activities. I do care about her and if she needs anything I'm there at 100% but there are no romantic feelings, no intimacy and not a lot of communication besides the usual day to day to do's.

I know we could go to counseling and work on communication but can counseling make you say hey I love you again? Or, I'm attracted to you again? It's a sad situation. We have a 2 y/o baby that I adore and I'm scared of losing. I don't have any family nearby nor any that I'm close to so in my mind a divorce would mean losing my partner (better than nothing I guess?) and losing her family. They've always been nice to me and see me as one of their own within reason.

Even when we were dating I remember wanting to spend time more with my friends (male & female) than with her. She'd leave town for a week or two and I wouldn't miss her or feel eager to see her.

And unfortunately I've felt emotionally closer with other people in my life so I'm confused and tired and wondering if I only got married because it was an easy going, drama free relationship, all my friends were getting married, etc.


----------



## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

hi Alvilia, maybe it will help you to read my post of just a few minutes ago...My husband and I should never have gotten married, and then should have ended our marriage long ago. But we did not, and now we have a close bond that is built not on intimacy but on the caring that comes from routine. It's really, really hard to look back and see how we hurt ourselves by not leaving, and now it feels like too much to leave each other alone because we really do care about each other. But then again, we never really had any true intimacy, not ever. Maybe in your case it is different & in the beginning you did. If so, I encourage you to go check out inner bonding (Relationship Help, Relationship Advice, Personal Growth, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice, Inner Bonding, Emotional Healing). I do not work for that site but have found the process to be really useful in these kinds of situations. Basically the idea is that in order for any relationship to work, we have to learn to take care of ourselves & own our own happiness first. Only then can we be open to sharing and being happy with our partner. I really can't stress enough how helpful the inner bonding steps have been for me. Check it out! It couldn't hurt  good luck to you.


----------



## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

I think that if two people care about each other enough and can get along, they can learn how to make their marriage more emotionally satisfying. There are several books I've read from a Christian perspective on marriage that offer helpful suggestions and insights. I don't agree with everything within them, but there are nuggets of truth, at least. I can't say that the books themselves have been helpful for us really...we have significant differences in values and perspectives on marriage that I think ultimately will not be reconciled.


----------

