# Need advice about 50/50 joint custody schedule?



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

My ex-wife and I share an almost 2 year old daughter together. We have only been divorced for a month, seperated before that for around 6 months or so. She is a nurse who works nights and I work in the environmental industry where I work M-F but my hours vary but I am able to take care of my daughter on my days with no help or assistance. If I want to work on a Saturday for extra money, I usually just ask my Dad or brother to watch her. I follow my ex wifes schedule when it comes to when we have her. The nights she works I have her and the nights she is off she has her. It works out pretty well for the most part, I do not ever ask for her help (I have maybe two times so far in these 7 months). She asks me for help maybe a couple times of a month and I say yes no problem as long as I can. I will never say no I dont want to see my daughter so I just agree to help. Lately though, she has been having her mother watch our daughter one night a week when it is my turn to have her. I say no thank you I dont need help or a break, I will let you know when I need help yada yada. She always says no too bad she is keeping her. So the schedule changes. Without me agreeing to it, she is the one with the final say. Then on ocassion she will change her work schedule to where it obviously changes my days that I have my daughter. Its almost like this every week, I follow her schedule and my life revolves around it which is fine as long as she doesnt change it but she does. In the divorce papers, there is no set schedule. It just says 50/50 joint custody where we both have equal decision making. I tried to sit down with her while divorce process was going and she didnt like my proposal and i did not like hers so I was like okay whatever we will just keep doing what we are doing for now and change it later if needed. With her being a nurse and working different days on a weekly basis, she doesnt like having a set schedule for example I have daughter Mon/Tues every week then every other weekend. Cause then she would have to find a babysitter on the nights she works. Almost to the point already where I want to take her to court and change it to a set schedule. Would that even work? What would be your advice?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I fully understand your frustration and I am not trying to take any sides. But I think this is worth considering..... What does your daughter think of time with Grandma?


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

I mean she isnt quite two yet, will be at the end of May. She has a very bright and loving personailty, she likes pretty much anyone so I am sure she loves spending time with her Grandma. Not trying to take that away from her of course, but those days are my days. She can see her Grandma the days her mother as her. My ex wife sees it as trying to help me out and give me a break but I tell her everytime that I dont need the help. And its always random, its a day that she chooses not me. Very frustrating and like I said its only been a few months of this and its going to just continue


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think I would act cautiously about taking her back to court. Other than the legal bills, you might find that you get a set schedule that isn't so much in your favor. But you could always ask an attorney.

You are early in this custody situation. Instead of involving the courts and attorneys, maybe you can invite her to lunch to have a neutral and civil discussion. Just don't forget how things will change when she starts school in the coming years and you guys will need to be able to have some flexibility with each other. I would hate for the situation to turn bitter and uncivil for you with each side threatening court action.


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## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Yes, I know. She is just so stubborn and has the mentality of its her way or the highway. I actually dont mind doing the schedule based on her work schedule, it usually works out fine but its very inconsistent. I asked if she could work every other weekend at least so the weekends could be consistent but she doesnt want to do it so the schedule is all over the place. Gunna keep at it through summer and if we cant see eye to eye, maybe get a lawyers advice on what to do moving forward. She knows shes in control and she pretty much walks all over me


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MattOly94 said:


> I mean she isnt quite two yet, will be at the end of May. She has a very bright and loving personailty, she likes pretty much anyone so I am sure she loves spending time with her Grandma. Not trying to take that away from her of course, but those days are my days. She can see her Grandma the days her mother as her. My ex wife sees it as trying to help me out and give me a break but I tell her everytime that I dont need the help. And its always random, its a day that she chooses not me. Very frustrating and like I said its only been a few months of this and its going to just continue


You are being passive and reactionary, instead of being proactive and assertive. If you continue letting her do as she wishes, then eventually you'll have bigger problems trying to have your 50% with your daughter. 

You must get your balls back and demand that the time with your daughter cannot be change. You must judge how reactionary to your demands your ex will be and be ready for it.

If you can manage your time with your daughter, then, sit your ex and explain to her that your 50% is non-negotiable. If she continues taking your daughter out of your 50% and you are not OK with it you must get your lawyer and the courts involved to straighten the 50/50 arrangement. Dude, start getting toug. She's not even your wife anymore, and she still wipes her ass with you? Seriously. Start showing that you can't be mess with, otherwise, she'll continue wiping her ass with you for as long as she feels like it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattOly94 said:


> My ex-wife and I share an almost 2 year old daughter together. We have only been divorced for a month, seperated before that for around 6 months or so. She is a nurse who works nights and I work in the environmental industry where I work M-F but my hours vary but I am able to take care of my daughter on my days with no help or assistance. If I want to work on a Saturday for extra money, I usually just ask my Dad or brother to watch her. I follow my ex wifes schedule when it comes to when we have her. The nights she works I have her and the nights she is off she has her. It works out pretty well for the most part, I do not ever ask for her help (I have maybe two times so far in these 7 months). She asks me for help maybe a couple times of a month and I say yes no problem as long as I can. I will never say no I dont want to see my daughter so I just agree to help. Lately though, she has been having her mother watch our daughter one night a week when it is my turn to have her. I say no thank you I dont need help or a break, I will let you know when I need help yada yada. She always says no too bad she is keeping her. So the schedule changes. Without me agreeing to it, she is the one with the final say. Then on ocassion she will change her work schedule to where it obviously changes my days that I have my daughter. Its almost like this every week, I follow her schedule and my life revolves around it which is fine as long as she doesnt change it but she does. In the divorce papers, there is no set schedule. It just says 50/50 joint custody where we both have equal decision making. I tried to sit down with her while divorce process was going and she didnt like my proposal and i did not like hers so I was like okay whatever we will just keep doing what we are doing for now and change it later if needed. With her being a nurse and working different days on a weekly basis, she doesnt like having a set schedule for example I have daughter Mon/Tues every week then every other weekend. Cause then she would have to find a babysitter on the nights she works. Almost to the point already where I want to take her to court and change it to a set schedule. Would that even work? What would be your advice?


You definitely do need to go back and did a written agreement written out and stick to it. People are really bad about asking for exceptions but once you have it written out legally they can't do that. Then each of you just has to figure out your own schedule problems and leave the other alone about it. And Richardson and then all the way back. It's not uncommon to have to go back to court for something like that.

The only fair thing is for it to be equal if you're both working for example full-time through the week and off weekends. You can both take two and a half days through the week and one day on the weekend and then exchange. 

If you happen to have a more compatible schedule or some other way works better for you then you can certainly do that but it sounds like you two have not been able to agree on anything that's convenient to both of you so you'll probably have to agree on something that's not particularly perfect for either of you. But at least the children will see both of their parents equally and there won't be as much running back and forth exchanging.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Most divorce decrees have explicit language as to which parent gets the children at what times for this very reason. If it isn’t spelled out then usually one parent runs over the other. She’s the controlling parent and she’s not going to give that control up — as you are now seeing. It will only get worse as time goes on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What’s your relationship like with your former in-laws?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

This is why it is good to have a set schedule. You should be able to go to court to get that done.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

MattOly94 said:


> Yes, I know. She is just so stubborn and has the mentality of its her way or the highway. I actually dont mind doing the schedule based on her work schedule, it usually works out fine but its very inconsistent. I asked if she could work every other weekend at least so the weekends could be consistent but she doesnt want to do it so the schedule is all over the place. Gunna keep at it through summer and if we cant see eye to eye, maybe get a lawyers advice on what to do moving forward. She knows shes in control and she pretty much walks all over me


My brother is divorced and they share custody of a ten year old. They obviously don't work as a couple, but they are civil to each other over their boy. They do have a schedule with the court, but with school/work and such, they are flexible with each other which gives him a lot of time with each parent and keeps him from seeing them at each other.

Just be careful with some of the advice you receive here. I feel a lot of it will be encouragement from others to gaslight the situation and try to make her life hell through the courts. I mean obviously use the court if absolutely needed if she is flat out refusing you time with your child. But just keep in mind that this is going to be a long term situation. Visitation schedules will change with schooling/jobs/holidays and other unforseen circumstances. It will be far easier to build a civil relationship over this where both of you are comfortable with working with each other and being flexible. This will benefit both of you and allow for more predictable time with your kid. You can even work out holidays and vacations.

I am rambling a bit. But if you go through the courts, expect it to be months before you see a judge. Also you can pretty much expect her to become a full blown b!tch that will hire a babysitter before contacting you just to be an azz and deny other days saying it's not part of the court schedule.


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

MattOly94 said:


> My ex-wife and I share an almost 2 year old daughter together. We have only been divorced for a month, seperated before that for around 6 months or so. She is a nurse who works nights and I work in the environmental industry where I work M-F but my hours vary but I am able to take care of my daughter on my days with no help or assistance. If I want to work on a Saturday for extra money, I usually just ask my Dad or brother to watch her. I follow my ex wifes schedule when it comes to when we have her. The nights she works I have her and the nights she is off she has her. It works out pretty well for the most part, I do not ever ask for her help (I have maybe two times so far in these 7 months). She asks me for help maybe a couple times of a month and I say yes no problem as long as I can. I will never say no I dont want to see my daughter so I just agree to help. Lately though, she has been having her mother watch our daughter one night a week when it is my turn to have her. I say no thank you I dont need help or a break, I will let you know when I need help yada yada. She always says no too bad she is keeping her. So the schedule changes. Without me agreeing to it, she is the one with the final say. Then on ocassion she will change her work schedule to where it obviously changes my days that I have my daughter. Its almost like this every week, I follow her schedule and my life revolves around it which is fine as long as she doesnt change it but she does. In the divorce papers, there is no set schedule. It just says 50/50 joint custody where we both have equal decision making. I tried to sit down with her while divorce process was going and she didnt like my proposal and i did not like hers so I was like okay whatever we will just keep doing what we are doing for now and change it later if needed. With her being a nurse and working different days on a weekly basis, she doesnt like having a set schedule for example I have daughter Mon/Tues every week then every other weekend. Cause then she would have to find a babysitter on the nights she works. Almost to the point already where I want to take her to court and change it to a set schedule. Would that even work? What would be your advice?


Fron one healthcare night shifter to another, I could see her schedule varying. I know in our state right there are massive shortages and it has required lots of extra shifts or changing schedules. Aside from that, I do NOT think she should be able to dictate whether her mother gets to watch your daughter during your time. I would start by just telling her that if she wants her mother to watch your daughter then it needs to be during her time only..not yours. If she cant do that then I reuqest a hearing with friend of the court to settle the matter there. It is okay and good to be flexible and work with one another's schedules..but it is not okay for her to give your time away to another person.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Look into right of first refusal. It means your ex must offer you the opportunity to care for your daughter before she can use a babysitter or even another family member.

That may solve some of these issues without creating a consistent schedule, which many nurses do not have.


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