# Kids meet OW



## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

Any thoughts on how to handle my XH introducing my sons to the OW as his new GF? If she were just his GF I could deal a little better - I'm over it; and I want my kids to be healthy and happy. But the idea of them cozying up to the OW makes me a little ill. Thanks for the thoughts.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are your kids?
Was she married before or now?
Are they living in a home owned by your xH?
Divorce finalized? Custody settled?


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

kids are 10 - 13. She's much younger and has never been married or had kids. I have primary custody but he has them about 40% of the time. Divorce was final a week ago; but we've been separated for a year and a half. XH started "dating" this girl almost 2 yrs ago, and they've been off and on since then.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It really isn't good for the emotional growth of kids that age. They are very impressionable and are just forming ideas of how relationships work. The OW could drift in and out of his life. 

Can you both agree that she won't be there when the kids stay over. It would be a smart thing to do for their benefit. Or is your XH that selfish?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

How can he have them 40% of the time? Does he live close by? 

From my understanding whoever has primary custody usually has them 5 days a week due to them being in school.


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

He's amazingly selfish... he cut off ties with his family because his mother sent me a Christmas gift... As a result he (and my kids) didn't celebrate my oldest's birthday or Christmas with the family this year. He looks for reasons to pick a fight with me, so I'm not sure he'll respond well to my asking him not to have her overnight when they're at his house.


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

He lives a few blocks away and has them 2 weeknights and every other weekend; but I have primary custody.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do they know she broke up your family?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

spackard said:


> kids are 10 - 13. She's much younger and has never been married or had kids. I have primary custody but he has them about 40% of the time. Divorce was final a week ago; but we've been separated for a year and a half. XH started "dating" this girl almost 2 yrs ago, and they've been off and on since then.


This sound like my f**king childhood ... really. I never understood what really happened until I was in my 40's because nobody wanted to talk about it. All I'll say is that once you feel they are old enough to understand the enormity of what went on, give them the entire story, no holds bared. I think they are too young now, but in a few years, your oldest might be ready.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Very immature of xH to lash out at his own family. Why that much anger? Must be some explanation for that.

Your kids will have to rely on you to be the foundation they need. Are they coping ok?

Don't question them about her, don't belittle xH or the OW to your kids. It will backfire and cause no good to come of it.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

spackard said:


> Any thoughts on how to handle my XH introducing my sons to the OW as his new GF? If she were just his GF I could deal a little better - I'm over it; and I want my kids to be healthy and happy. But the idea of them cozying up to the OW makes me a little ill. Thanks for the thoughts.


Acceptance is your friend. There is not a lot you can do, unless he endangers their well-being. Sure it would dock him a few points in a custody battle and you could try to make it an issue but it will not be constructive. You can try to talk about it, but asking for what you'd like is about the most you can do. It's not advisable to escalate a fight you can't win, and you can't prevent this unless she's got a criminal record or something similar.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

During my divorce, my IC said that you needed to wait a minimum of a year after the divorce was FINAL before introducing your BF/GF to a child. Of course, my ex decided to introduce our daughter to his Skank long before the divorce was even final, much less a year after, even after promising me he wouldn't.

As the child of an adulterous father myself, I can tell you wholeheartedly that someday your children will understand exactly what happened. If you don't tell them, they will likely ask or figure it out. Just conduct yourself well and take the high road.


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

@ Chapparal - No, they don't... 

@ Middleman - That's precisely my concern. Thank you for the perspective of the adult who lived what my kids are living through. My oldest has made it his secret mission to understand it better, because we seemed like the perfect couple. He has confided in his grandmother (my mom) little snippets that he managed to gather; but I think he has no clue that his dad had an affair.

@ Walkonmars - He's very controlling - much more than I ever realized during our 20 year marriage. It was only after the marriage failed that I could look back and recognize that. At this point, I honestly think he's dealing with some serious insecurities and realizations that he screwed up; but he blames me for his infidelity, and I've learned that this girl wasn't his first. 

To your point, WalkonMars, I have been very careful not to belittle their dad, and I haven't discussed the OW with them. I know they've met her because XH texted me that he introduced her to them.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> This sound like my f**king childhood ... really. I never understood what really happened until I was in my 40's because nobody wanted to talk about it. All I'll say is that once you feel they are old enough to understand the enormity of what went on, give them the entire story, no holds bared. *I think they are too young now, but in a few years, your oldest might be ready.*


They aren't too young now. Kids these days have a good grasp on calculus and quantum physics....and serious video games as well.

I would tell them the truth of the POSOW that your POSEXHUBBY is introducing into their lives. They have a right to know who and what was instrumental in the break-up of their family.

JMO


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

If the divorce is final and the parenting plan is in place and official, there is not much you can do about it, unless there is some form of abuse/neglect going on. I think you are doing the right thing by taking the high road and not belittling their dad and not discussing the OW. If they ask questions, be honest - but continue to take the high road until such time as you think they are old enough to process what really happened. 

This is a fear I have as I move towards my divorce, not sure how I will handle my STBXW introducing my daughters to another man. I've struggled with the question of telling my daughters about their Mom's betrayal but decided not to tell them anything unless they ask. They know far more than I think - after all, their Mom moved out, but they won't hear a negative thing from me. But I'll answer any of their questions honestly.

Stay strong during this difficult time and continue to be the best parent you can be.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

spackard said:


> @ Middleman - That's precisely my concern. Thank you for the perspective of the adult who lived what my kids are living through. My oldest has made it his secret mission to understand it better, because we seemed like the perfect couple. He has confided in his grandmother (my mom) little snippets that he managed to gather; but I think he has no clue that his dad had an affair.


Posted before but I guess it's worth repeating.



The Middleman said:


> I don't want to say too much because god knows who reads these boards, but in my own situation my mother had a breakdown when I was 11 and left. We (myself and siblings) had no idea what was going on, other than what our father and other relatives said; which was that she had mental problems and was a bad mother for leaving her children. It wasn't until I was in my 40's and both my parents passed away that I was able to piece together (through conversations with various aunts and uncles) that my mother's breakdown was caused by her finding out that my 35 year old father was banging a 20 year old college student on the side and was "in love". This changed how I will remember the man forever, and is why I have no tolerance for cheaters (scum of the earth). There is more to the story but, as I said, I don't know who is reading these boards.
> 
> Edit: This is also why I am committed to my wife and marriage and will not tolerate any opposite sex friends.


Don't let you ex husband and his "girl toy" control the information flow to the kids and above all, tell them the truth. Don't sanitize it, don't play anything down and try to remove your own bias from it, but they have to know the truth.


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

Thanks for all the great feedback, gang! This is a really helpful board.

My struggle is this: 
- Do I continue acting as though I know nothing about her and let them come to me if they want to talk about it? Right now they tiptoe around the subject that Dad has a new GF.
- Do I let them know I know about her so that they can relax and not feel like they have to keep their dad's new life private from me?
- Will they feel betrayed by me that I kept this secret from them - especially if OW becomes stepmother some day?

I really only want the healthiest solution for my kids. I don't want my kids to be pawns.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Don't let you ex husband and his "girl toy" control the information flow to the kids and above all, tell them the truth. Don't sanitize it, don't play anything down and try to remove your own bias from it, but they have to know the truth.



Yes. That is another fear and something you have to be watchful for. Any sign of parental alienation or misinformation from your ex-H and the OW should be dealt with immediately - directly with the kids or through the courts if necessary. I still struggle with the thought of sitting kids down and telling them all the unvarnished details. Right now, I am against it until they are older. Plus, I am not sure how much of my motive would be to "get back" at my STBXW vs what is in my kid's best interests. You cannot UN-tell them so I am erring on the side of discretion.
But if I ever suspect that my wife is gaslighting her own children then there will be hell to pay.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

spackard said:


> Thanks for all the great feedback, gang! This is a really helpful board.
> 
> My struggle is this:
> - Do I continue acting as though I know nothing about her and let them come to me if they want to talk about it? Right now they tiptoe around the subject that Dad has a new GF.
> ...


I think it's pretty safe for them to know that YOU know about the OW. You don't have to pretend that you're fine with it. ETA: But don't belittle their dad or the OW - kids are pretty smart - they'll make up their own minds and ask you questions. Answer them honestly.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I think it's pretty safe for them to know that YOU know about the OW. You don't have to pretend that you're fine with it.


:iagree:


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> But if I ever suspect that my wife is gaslighting her own children then there will be hell to pay.


You have no idea what dis-information can to to the kids, especially when they get older and they realize they went through life treating people a certain way because they had the wrong facts.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

spackard said:


> Thanks for all the great feedback, gang! This is a really helpful board.
> 
> My struggle is this:
> - Do I continue acting as though I know nothing about her and let them come to me if they want to talk about it? Right now they tiptoe around the subject that Dad has a new GF.
> ...


Lies create pawns. Truth and honesty creates character.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

spackard said:


> Will they feel betrayed by me that I kept this secret from them - especially if OW becomes stepmother some day?


God, I hope that doesn't happen to them, because that's exactly what happened to me ... only I didn't have a mother to go back to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Very immature of xH to lash out at his own family. *Why that much anger?* Must be some explanation for that.
> 
> Your kids will have to rely on you to be the foundation they need. Are they coping ok?
> 
> Don't question them about her, don't belittle xH or the OW to your kids. It will backfire and cause no good to come of it.


Why? Guilt! To quote the old expression: "He is as guilty as a weasel in a henhouse."


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

@ Middleman - thank you for sharing your story. That's exactly what I'm hoping to avoid.

@ Cedarman - couldn't agree more. My kids are behaving very maturely (more than their father, sorry to say). And they're very protective of me. I'm not sure what they'd tell me and what they wouldn't. Tonight, for example, oldest is wearing a new sweatshirt and he won't say where he got it (clearly, a Christmas gift from OW/GF). 

So I'm thinking I'm going to let them know I know about her; and let them see that I'm strong enough to talk about her without falling apart so they don't feel like they have to "protect" me. Hopefully they'll see that they can check with me on any BS the XH or OW might suggest to them.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You have no idea what dis-information can to to the kids, especially when they get older and they realize they went through life treating people a certain way because they had the wrong facts.


I agree that you don't lie to your kids. And you make sure to be vigilant that your ex-spouse isn't telling lies to your kids.  I am just very, very cautious about telling my daughter's all the dirty details. Their Mom has serious issues but she does love them, even though her actions have hurt them directly and indirectly. So I have made the decision to NOT sit them down for "the talk" - but if they ask any questions, I answer them honestly.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Tell them. They deserve the truth. This person thought it was fine to destroy your family. Their family. 
Ask yourself. 
Why are you lying for him?


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

My kids haven't asked me about it. Oldest has talked with my mom but not me (out of respect / protection for me). That was months ago though.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I'd suggest you get professional advice before taking the advice of an internet forum regarding what you should or should not tell your kids in the "information wars". My personal position, in a fairly similar situation to yours is that I will not open up the topic, if my kid asks me questions, I will not lie to her, neither will I diss my ex.


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

Thanks, GetTough. I think I will talk to their counselor about it. But this has been very helpful to think through my options and to hear the perspective of people who dealt with this as a kid or who are dealing with the same situation now.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Both our mediator (who is helping us with our parenting plan) as well as my IC thought that it is important NOT to discuss the details of the betrayal unless asked. My kids love their Mom, and she loves them (even though her selfishness hurt them directly and her affair was a higher priority than her kids on many weekends). My anger at my STBXW needs to be tempered by my daughter's best interests. And right now, that is having two parents who love them and whom they love. The betrayed husband in me wants to tell my kids the dirty details so that they fully understand the extent of the betrayal and lies. But the father in me tells me to be cautious because at this point in time, the full truth disclosed all at once would be more than they can handle. They are already dealing with living in two separate places. Their lives have been disrupted enough. Their plates are pretty full and they're dealing with it far better than I expected. In time, they will know the truth. But for now, I will only answer their questions.


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## spackard (Dec 29, 2012)

Thanks, Cedarman - I couldn't have articulated it better. You nailed it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There's no need to go into details. Something like this might work:-

"Although mom/dad doesn't love me anymore as a husband/wife, they still love me as a good friend and they love me as your mother/father. But please do know this, I love you as your dad/mom and he/she loves you as your dad/mom.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

spackard said:


> Thanks for all the great feedback, gang! This is a really helpful board.
> 
> My struggle is this:
> - Do I continue acting as though I know nothing about her and let them come to me if they want to talk about it? Right now they tiptoe around the subject that Dad has a new GF.
> ...


Then why are you treating them like pawns?  You've got the poor things tip-toeing around you - this is what happens when the truth is buried.

Tell them the truth. They are old enough to know why your marriage failed. They can make their own decisions as to how they want to build their relationship with OW, but it's unfair to them to force them to make those decisions without the benefit of having the truth.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> There's no need to go into details. Something like this might work:-
> 
> "Although mom/dad doesn't love me anymore as a husband/wife, they still love me as a good friend and they love me as your mother/father. But please do know this, I love you as your dad/mom and he/she loves you as your dad/mom.


Yes, this is good as long as it is true. In my case, I leave out the stuff about any love between my STBXW and myself. But I do stress that it had nothing to do with the kids and that both of us love them. (Note: Nothing to do with the kids from MY perspective. I leave it to my wife to fill in the blanks from her perspective).


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

committedwife said:


> Then why are you treating them like pawns?  You've got the poor things tip-toeing around you - this is what happens when the truth is buried.
> 
> Tell them the truth. They are old enough to know why your marriage failed. They can make their own decisions as to how they want to build their relationship with OW, but it's unfair to them to force them to make those decisions without the benefit of having the truth.


I kind of agree. Right now the kids are under false pretenses. And one way or another some misinformation WILL happen. your husband is immature and guilty, hes definitely gonna try some "we just drifted apart" crap eventually I guarantee it. 

Or he may outright lie. Do you know the reason most serial cheaters give when asked why they are divorced? That THEIR wife or husband cheated on THEM. They're the betrayed spouse when the truth is they banged anything that moved. Its really messed up but because they don't want to be seen in a bad light they will lie their asses off. Why would your husband be any different? You think he wants to his children growing up with the knowledge of how big a PoS he is? Its only a matter of time before he tries.

I'm not saying to tell them the dirty details, but that when two people promise to be with each other, they can't have girlfriends or boyfriends as well. 

Your 13 yr old will most definitely understand.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

Its a very individual thing as to to handle this. I have Asperger Syndrome, which is a high-functioning form of autism, as does my daughter. Lying is something that doesn't come easily for me, so I've decided to tell the truth about what happened, and try to knock it down to terms that my 11 year old daughter can understand.

I've just told her that her father "decided that he wanted to be with Miss POSOW" (of course, I use her real, given first name instead of "Skank", which is how I refer to her to my family and friends, or POSOW.) I insist that my daughter call her "Miss (given name)" to be polite. 

Of course, Skank lives five hours away from us in my ex's hometown, and he left both of us to go be with her. Although my daughter doesn't have the articulation skills to be able to explain how she feels about all of this, her actions and behaviors tell the story. Its obvious that she understands that she's not at the top of her father's priority list, which is something that makes me feel sadder than I can say.


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

quick thought here, I realize that the EH was in fact seeing this OW before the divorce was filed, however, how is it that the conclusion of the reason behind the divorce is her? I have a hard time placing that blame with the OM considering there must have been a reason that the affair had taken place to begin with, right? I'm sure that the EH didn't just become over powered by the OW play and it certainly takes two to have an affair. I'm not really sure the blame is set in the right spot, which, if perceived in a different light, possibly may make the children's interaction with the OW easier to take.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

(Hi, I don't want to threadjack, but I'm hoping I can get some similar input here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...6405-how-deal-wife-who-moves-om-our-kids.html Thank you)


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

According to Dr. Harley children as young as 4 should be told about parents infidelity, obviously explained in terms they can understand. Like, daddy has a girlfriend, but married people aren't supposed to have girlfriends/boyfriends so we can't be married any more. 

Your kids are old enough to be told their father had an affair and the woman he wants them to cozy up to is partially responsible for the destruction of their family.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the problem with the strategy of just answering questions and then waiting until you think they are ready to hear it all is that they often either don't ask any questions, or only ask some, and by the time you decide they are ready to hear it all, they've received a lot of information from others and have pieced together their own version of reality, a version that may not be close to the truth.

In my case, I was a child in a family where the father 'catted around' and was absolutely indignant at the idea that he would talk about his 'personal life' to anyone, including his kids. We had to piece together everything. In our case, we never got the whole story, so it took years to find some semblance of the truth. I lost tremendous respect for my father in the process.

I would consult a family therapist and decide on a way to tell them the truth now. Once that is done, I would then be committed to answer any and all questions that arise.


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