# Not sure what I should do, so friggin confused....



## longisland (Aug 14, 2012)

I am struggling so much and need some honest advice. This will be a long post, so bear with me. I will try to give as much background as I can.

After a few long term relationships in my 20’s that were unhealthy and with men who were not good for me, I did the dating thing for a few years without a lot of luck. I was always overweight and had low self-esteem, but still went on a lot of dates. Didn’t meet anyone that I really clicked with. I finally met my H when I was about 32 and he was like a breath of fresh air. Good hearted, genuine, and I knew he was the type of guy who would never hurt me. The physical attraction wasn’t really there, but he was so nice that I kept seeing him. I remember the sex being frequent at first, as it was new and exciting. After 9 months, he proposed and I said yes. We had a 2-year engagement and I was consumed with planning the perfect wedding, which we had. After the honeymoon, the sex started to wane (disinterest on my part). Through his insurance, I found I was able to get gastric bypass surgery and I lost 90 lbs and look better than I ever did. He made a joke that now that I am not overweight, I would leave him for someone else. I laughed it off.

I became focused on buying a house (we were in an apartment at that time). We couldn’t afford to live in NY so decided to move down south. I want to mention that before we moved, I placed a personal ad online “just to see”. I started chatting with some guy, but I lost my nerve and cut ties. Never met him. 

We have a beautiful home, but unfortunately, have no family or friends here at all. I then became obsessed with having children. I was 37 and discovered I had infertility issues. We did IVF and we have beautiful twin boys. The sex is virtually non-existent – maybe once every 2 or 3 months (this was before the children, too). I peck him on the lips goodbye every morning, but that’s it. I don’t feel any physical attraction to him. I feel awful saying this, but I hate the way he kisses me. I tried to teach him, but it doesn’t work. I cringe when he hugs me because I don’t want it to lead to anything.

I don’t know what made me do it again (maybe boredom, maybe because I crave passion), but I placed another ad. This time, I went through with it. This OM makes me feel alive again in ways I haven’t felt in many years. I don’t know if it’s the newness and the thrill of it, but I do know I am very attracted. I never thought I would break my vows to him, but if I am going to be completely honest, I don’t have a huge amount of guilt. I have guilt in the sense that I know it is wrong, and he would absolutely die if he knew, but I don’t want to stop.

There are some underlying resentments that I feel in addition to the lack of physical attraction. I feel like I have 3 kids, not 2. I have to do the bulk of everything, paying the bills, making the doctor appointments, cooking, shopping, everything. I think he has ADD and he forgets everything. I cannot trust that he will take the garbage out on Fridays because he will forget. I will tell him something and he won’t remember a day later. When I was on maternity leave with the twins, he felt that since he worked, he shouldn’t have to get up and feed the babies. So, I was running on about 3 hours of combined sleep per night for 3 months. No sleep, coupled with no family/friends to help, recovering from C-section and carpal tunnel from the pre-eclampsia – that was the darkest time of my life. He is also in the IT field and needs to pass tests to get more certifications so that he can advance his career, which he does want to do for our family. I have to nag him every night to study – because he would rather watch movies or play on the computer. I am just so tired of doing everything.

I told my H last week about how I feel dead inside and have been for years. I told him we are more like friends (he is a wonderful man and has a great heart). I told him he deserves better than me and that he deserves to be with someone who can give him what I can’t. I am not 100% sure if divorce is the answer and asked him for a little time to see what I want to do. He wants to work it out, he believes passion and attraction is a choice. He is so hurt, crushed, angry and betrayed (understandably so). He said, how do you think it feels for a man to hear that his wife feels no passion for him? I am breaking his heart and it is killing me. I see the pain in his eyes and I wish I could make it go away. I wish I can look at him and want him sexually. Can attraction be forced? Is it really all in our heads and not hearts? He doesn’t want me to stay out of guilt but I know he loves me. I am afraid that I will be making a huge mistake. I have started counseling to help me decide, but of course, she will not tell me what I should do, only that the answer will come to me.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

You're in an affair fog. You've given your H the ILYBINILWY speech.

If you are truly considering trying to save your marriage then you must cut off all contact with the OM. If not, you will not be able to step back and see how much of your unhappiness/ dissatisfaction is due to the affair fog and how much is truly there. 

If you haven't done so, go over to the coping with infidelity board to read some first hand accounts of how the betrayed spouse feels.

You might also read the book "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "not just friends" to get a better understanding of the powerful effect that having an affair has on a person's brain/ way of thinking.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

First, be prepared to be assaulted as though you have molested young children, b/c the betrayed spouses on here will rip you a new one. They will say that you are "rewriting your history" to make him out as the bad guy. 

Your post is a lot about him, and you should certainly acknowledge where the fault lies with you. Not discussing things with him--marrying someone to whom you do not feel a great attraction, and your waning passion, for example. Did you actually TELL him that his kissing was not satisfactory? 

And of course, the worst thing: you actively pursued an outside relationship. Some people will argue you have forfeited your right to happiness and you must sacrifice yourself for having done that.

Others, like myself, will recognize themselves in your story--marrying someone without having a deep physical attraction to them, marrying them b/c we have low self esteem and think no one else will want us. We understand the lack of attraction AND sometimes, also, the issue of having the extra child, a man who does not take responsibility for his actions at home, who doesn't follow through on what he says he will, etc.

The thing is, you have NO chance of making a good decision about the future until you have completey ended contact with the OM. For your won sake and for your kids' sake, you need to stop the affair and put away the thought of that man (or any other "new" person) until you have resolved the issues in your marriage, one way or another. Take this very seriously b/c you will NOT make the right choice unless you do so with your eyes and heart clearly focused on the choice of staying married or being ON YOUR OWN. Because the reality is, you will likely end up alone for at least a while--even if you left "for the other man," those relationships have about a 10% chance of lasting. 

So--get counseling, individual and marriage counseling. Quit worrying about hurting your ex with what you say in counseling, b/c that is the time and place, and anything you hold back then can easily come back to undo any progress you have made. 

Lay it out there (and he will, too) about what the problems are and what you NEED in a relationship. 

It is possible that he can and will really hear you and make the changes you need him to make. He may learn how to be more responsible in a relationship, and he may even find ways to increase your attraction to him.

So it is possible, if you are willing to give it a try. It takes time, another year or two (and anyone who thinks this is something that can be resolved in a few months is kidding themselves).

Good luck.


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## longisland (Aug 14, 2012)

Couleur said:


> You're in an affair fog. You've given your H the ILYBINILWY speech.
> 
> If you are truly considering trying to save your marriage then you must cut off all contact with the OM. If not, you will not be able to step back and see how much of your unhappiness/ dissatisfaction is due to the affair fog and how much is truly there.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the suggestion of the book. I actually told my therapist that I am afraid my feelings for the OM could be influencing my decision (is this the affair fog you are referring to?). The physical attraction to him is so incredibly strong and it's like a drug, it truly is. 

I was engaged in my early 20's and caught him with another woman 2 weeks before our wedding. I know first hand how it feels to be betrayed this way. I am being selfish to the millionth degree and I know this.


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## longisland (Aug 14, 2012)

Sisters, thank you so much for your reply. I know that I will probably get blasted for the affair -- but I wanted to be completely honest about everything so I can get helpful feedback. I know affairs are wrong. In my head, I am thinking, if I can have an affair, and wish to continue the affair, doesn't that mean I don't love my H? If I did, how can I do this to him? If I truly loved him, how can I break our vows?

You asked if I told him about the kissing -- yes, when we were first together. But I've never told him that I wasn't attracted to him and felt no passion. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I know, ironic that I don't want to hurt him, yet am doing something a million times worse if he knew. 

In my head, I know you both are right about severing ties with the OM. In my heart, I don't want to stop. I fantasize about being free and in a relationship with him where everything is rosy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi -

Thank you for being honest about your affair. I won't beat you up about it.

Your husband is not "wonderful" if he doesn't help around the house & with the children. Wonderful men do their share.

You need a partner that does his share & maybe you will feel passion instead of resentment & entitlement to look outside of the marriage for passion.

Ask your husband to meet your needs & go to counseling. If he refuses, then you have your answer.

Can you break it off with the OM to work on your marriage?


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## longisland (Aug 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Hi -
> 
> Thank you for being honest about your affair. I won't beat you up about it.
> 
> ...


I actually just got off the phone with H -- I suggested marriage counseling and he readily agreed. Maybe we can salvage this, at the very least, I owe him the opportunity to work on it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

longisland said:


> I actually just got off the phone with H -- I suggested marriage counseling and he readily agreed. Maybe we can salvage this, at the very least, I owe him the opportunity to work on it.


That is great news!

Of course you can salvage your marriage if you both want to.

You also owe it to your children to try.

Good luck!


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