# Anger



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

A problem in my relationship is how I deal with negative emotions, frustrations, fears etc. I tend to get "angry" and may lash out impulsively. This is a hallmark of my upbringing. My brother is in the midst of a divorce because his wife couldn't take it anymore. My mother and father after 52 years of marriage, still bicker back and forth (amazing). I grew up with this crap.

It makes my wife uncomfortable, and I need to quell the propensity for me to blow the proverbial fuse. Any suggestions in how to go about changing that aspect of my own behavior?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you ever been to counseling?


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Have you ever been to counseling?


Not to deal with anger specifically.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

pjbap said:


> Not to deal with anger specifically.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would suggest you find an IFS therapist.

Deal with everything.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

pjbap said:


> A problem in my relationship is how I deal with negative emotions, frustrations, fears etc. I tend to get "angry" and may lash out impulsively. This is a hallmark of my upbringing. My brother is in the midst of a divorce because his wife couldn't take it anymore. My mother and father after 52 years of marriage, still bicker back and forth (amazing). I grew up with this crap.
> 
> It makes my wife uncomfortable, and I need to quell the propensity for me to blow the proverbial fuse. Any suggestions in how to go about changing that aspect of my own behavior?


I hand it to you for owning your anger problem and not blaming your wife for "bringing it out in you."

and I agree with Conrad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I hand it to you for owning your anger problem and not blaming your wife for "bringing it out in you."
> 
> and I agree with Conrad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And:iagree: with that!


----------



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

What exactly is an IFS therapist?


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Internal Family Systems therapy.
Google it. It was started by a guy named Richard Schwartz.
They have a very informative website.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

pjbap said:


> A problem in my relationship is how I deal with negative emotions, frustrations, fears etc. I tend to get "angry" and may lash out impulsively. This is a hallmark of my upbringing. My brother is in the midst of a divorce because his wife couldn't take it anymore. My mother and father after 52 years of marriage, still bicker back and forth (amazing). I grew up with this crap.
> 
> It makes my wife uncomfortable, and I need to quell the propensity for me to blow the proverbial fuse. Any suggestions in how to go about changing that aspect of my own behavior?


I got into Buddhism. Helped me greatly especially with patience and tolerance. Tailgators used to annoy the heck out of me going through speed limited zones and I used that as practice to get into the third person mode, see it for what it was and it no longer angered me.

Bob


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This isn't an anger problem. It's a self-control problem. I suspect if you were confronted with 2-3 bulky State Troopers, you would manage to subdue your anger. You probably control any angry feelings you have against your boss. As a cop, I meet lots of people with "anger issues". Usually being tazed a couple times or spending a few days in jail is sufficient to fix their problem. Civilized people control their own words and actions. They are masters of their emotions rather than slaves to them. Realize that allowing others to make you lose your self-control puts them in a position of power over you and identifies you as the weaker.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Realize that allowing others to make you lose your self-control puts them in a position of power over you and identifies you as the weaker.


This is a good point.

Based on what the OP has said, I don't think he's looking for an excuse or scapegoat. 

I think he's trying to take responsibility for the self-control you're talking about, and he realizes that for whatever reasons and ingrained habits, that could take work.

That "realization" is a rational one. In an angry, defensive, reactive moment, the rational part of the brain is not in charge. A much more primal part takes over, so merely "realizing" this in a rational moment isn't always enough to change someone's behavior when they're triggered.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> This is a good point.
> 
> Based on what the OP has said, I don't think he's looking for an excuse or scapegoat.
> 
> ...


It does help to identify those parts of yourself and ask them to step back.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have seen hundreds who were "out of control" enough to beat their wives but suddenly regained the ability to control themselves when the police showed up. The out of control types manage to control themselves (usually) in front of a judge. Those who'd beat on the weak manage to keep from assaulting someone armed or someone much larger than themselves. Unless someone is psycho ward material, they have the ability to control their actions.


----------



## sonydude1966 (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I have seen hundreds who were "out of control" enough to beat their wives but suddenly regained the ability to control themselves when the police showed up. The out of control types manage to control themselves (usually) in front of a judge. Those who'd beat on the weak manage to keep from assaulting someone armed or someone much larger than themselves. Unless someone is psycho ward material, they have the ability to control their actions.


How do you control yourself when there isn't a judge or police officer right there? What type of thinking gets you under control when there are no barriers to acting that way? I know the person I'm thinking about wants to change, but when they feel hurt, they lash out verbally. I don't think it's a matter of character per se, because the person truly doesn't like the bad feelings it causes. Is this just a bad person, not worthy of any hope?


----------



## michael8 (Mar 8, 2011)

I'd like to know more about your outlets. I have experienced some anger management issues myself, but I've found that venting through hard exercise helps a lot. I'd recommend popping in the headphones and moving some weight! It's a classic way to improve the state of mind.


----------



## openheart (Mar 8, 2011)

I think your best bet would be consulting a professional through counseling. They can help you work through the underlying issue and you can gain some control. Good job admitting the problem


----------



## NightEagle1981 (Feb 18, 2011)

I have found that things that can occupy your time or what not usually takes the edge off. I have found recently that I have been less angry when I can sit down and just take a few minutes, to myself. One thing I've learned that if your angry with your significant other rather than run away hold hands and talk face to face.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

pjbap said:


> A problem in my relationship is how I deal with negative emotions, frustrations, fears etc. I tend to get "angry" and may lash out impulsively. This is a hallmark of my upbringing. My brother is in the midst of a divorce because his wife couldn't take it anymore. My mother and father after 52 years of marriage, still bicker back and forth (amazing). I grew up with this crap.
> 
> It makes my wife uncomfortable, and I need to quell the propensity for me to blow the proverbial fuse. Any suggestions in how to go about changing that aspect of my own behavior?


It sounds like you still allow yourself to assume that just because you grew up in this, it means that you can't choose to be different. It's all about who you choose to be, and reinforcing that through whatever means works for you. Let yourself make mistakes without quitting, but keep at it. Own up to your mistakes, and commit not to do it again.

I grew up under parents in a grungy biker culture. Handled things very aggressively. All along, however, I just had this feeling that it wasn't me, yet just one wrong word could set me off. 

First, I made the decision that I would not let my past dictate my future. Secondly, what worked for me was to mentally develop my own code. I never forget these rules. For a few years, I wrote them on note cards and read them every morning, but that was just my nature. Something I picked up from one of my dad's friends. A hint, the 1st rule for me was : Learn from my past. When showering or eating breakfast, I would just think about the day before, and what I should've done different. 

In my case, I'm now pretty mild-mannered, although I'm labeled as one of the dominant drivers on my employee profile. Never once raised my voice with my wife and kids, but I have shot a few lawnmowers (my lawnmowers) when I need to vent a little.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Maybe I'm not getting it, but what exactly is wrong with being angry? It's not exactly what I would prefer but I don't get to have everything the way I might like and that's the way we do it around my house


----------



## Irish1985 (Jan 28, 2011)

Anger is probably the most difficult to deal with. Counseling is a great start. For sure. Also find outlets through hobbies and such. Hobbies are perfect stress and anger outlets.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Maybe I'm not getting it, but what exactly is wrong with being angry? It's not exactly what I would prefer but I don't get to have everything the way I might like and that's the way we do it around my house


Getting angry is different than "getting big"

If your emotions get out of control, it's a problem.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Emotion control is something we must achieve if we want people around us not to be affected. 

Our personality is shaped by the way we grew up. 

But now we are adults, we can't blame our parents anymore for the way we are now. 

We know clearly what is good and what is bad. 

I am sure most of people agree being angry is a very bad thing. It doesn't make you feel good, it doesn't make people around you feel nice. 

Once this father asked his angry son to climb a ladder and put on nails on the wall whenever the son got angry, very soon the wall was full of nails, but slowly slowly slowly the son didn't need to climb on the ladder so often, he didn't like to climb the ladder, he learned to control his anger. Finally the son got his anger in control, the father asked him to take off all the nails, what's left on the wall? All the holes! The father told his son that even after he has changed, the impression he left on people is like the holes on the wall, ugly.





Should Rage Be Controlled?

Just as an erupting volcano wreaks havoc on those living around it, so too a person who expresses intense anger harms those living around him. He also critically damages himself. In what way? "Acting on anger leads to even more aggression," states The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA). According to research, men who manifest anger "are more likely to be dead by age 50 than those who do not."

The American Heart Association similarly states: "Men who experience outbursts of anger have twice the risk of stroke as men who control their tempers." These warnings are relevant to both sexes.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Manage Anger—Avoid Rage


Dr. Redford B. Williams states in JAMA: "The simplistic advice, 'when angry, let it out,' is unlikely . . . to be of much help. Far more important is to learn how to evaluate your anger and then to manage it." He suggests asking yourself: "(1) Is this situation important to me? (2) Are my thoughts and feelings appropriate to the objective facts? (3) Is this situation modifiable, so that I don't have to have this anger?"

Proverbs 14:29; 29:11 "He that is slow to anger is abundant in discernment, but one that is impatient is exalting foolishness. All his spirit is what a stupid one lets out, but he that is wise keeps it calm to the last."

Ephesians 4:26 "Be wrathful, and yet do not sin; let the sun not set with you in a provoked state."

Frank Donovan, in his book Dealing With Anger—Self-Help Solutions for Men, recommends: "Escaping anger—or, more specifically, escaping the scene and other people in your angry episode—is a strategy which has special importance and value at the higher levels of anger."

Proverbs 17:14 "The beginning of contention is as one letting out waters; so before the quarrel has burst forth, take your leave."

Bertram Rothschild, writing in the journal The Humanist, states: "Anger . . . is primarily one's personal responsibility. The reasons to become angry exist in our heads. . . . The few times anger worked for you pale in comparison to the multitude of times it made things worse. It is far better not to produce the anger than to experience it."

Psalm 37:8 "Let anger alone and leave rage; do not show yourself heated up only to do evil."

Proverbs 15:1 "An answer, when mild, turns away rage, but a word causing pain makes anger to come up."

Proverbs 29:22 "A man given to anger stirs up contention, and anyone disposed to rage has many a transgression."


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Still not getting it. I think maybe a lot of people have significantly different (and more positive) life experiences than I do. When I'm being treated angrily across the board with no respect and no boundaries, now that I let myself blow up and get it off my chest (back, shoulders, where ever) I feel a lot better afterwards than keeping it all inside (to come out sideways later). No one can claim that they didn't understand or were mistaken about how I felt. I have seen the medical warnings but it's hard for me to understand how I'm damaging my health when I actually feel significantly better. Regarding the emotional harm, hey what's fair about me being the only one getting blown apart? It was this resentment that led me to find my expressiveness.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Still not getting it. I think maybe a lot of people have significantly different (and more positive) life experiences than I do. When I'm being treated angrily across the board with no respect and no boundaries, now that I let myself blow up and get it off my chest (back, shoulders, where ever) I feel a lot better afterwards than keeping it all inside (to come out sideways later). No one can claim that they didn't understand or were mistaken about how I felt. I have seen the medical warnings but it's hard for me to understand how I'm damaging my health when I actually feel significantly better. Regarding the emotional harm, hey what's fair about me being the only one getting blown apart? It was this resentment that led me to find my expressiveness.


That's the first step. People do feel better that they let their frustration come out and they even feel great if others understand their frustration. I was like that a few years ago. 

But very often we are bothered by small things. Others can handle it very well and just shrug over it, we find it very bothered and we get upset, we explode, we make other people around us wrinkle up their noses about us. People don't respect people who have hot temper. 

If you are able to, ZEN can really help us in this regard. Learn not to be bothered by those small things, learn not to get upset and explode!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have something better than inner peace; it's the death of hope.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I have something better than inner peace; it's the death of hope.


Not a bad idea, just too depressing! 

Accepting reality sounds better!


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> That's the first step. People do feel better that they let their frustration come out and they even feel great if others understand their frustration. I was like that a few years ago.
> 
> But very often we are bothered by small things. Others can handle it very well and just shrug over it, we find it very bothered and we get upset, we explode, we make other people around us wrinkle up their noses about us. People don't respect people who have hot temper.
> 
> If you are able to, ZEN can really help us in this regard. Learn not to be bothered by those small things, learn not to get upset and explode!


With all due respect, I don't even see small stuff. I'm talking about escalating intentional hurtfulness intended to get one's way or punish disagreement or the expression of hurt feelings. Often, losing my temper convinces the instigator to cease and desist which allows me to map out a little safe space for myself.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> This isn't an anger problem. It's a self-control problem. I suspect if you were confronted with 2-3 bulky State Troopers, you would manage to subdue your anger. You probably control any angry feelings you have against your boss. As a cop, I meet lots of people with "anger issues". Usually being tazed a couple times or spending a few days in jail is sufficient to fix their problem. Civilized people control their own words and actions. They are masters of their emotions rather than slaves to them. Realize that allowing others to make you lose your self-control puts them in a position of power over you and identifies you as the weaker.


:iagree:

You have it within you to "control" your anger.

It's up to you to obtain and learn skills so that YOU take a time out when you know that you're going to blow.

My husband attends a weekly anger management group. One of the things they teach is taking a time out. Stopping what you're doing - taking deep breaths to calm you physically (anger is a physical reaction), leaving the room if necessary and telling yourself to calm down and look at the situation rationally.

This may sound hooey, but it does work. My husband's anger is nothing like it used to be. He'll actually do the time out in front of me, he'll start to raise his voice and just stop and say to himself (out loud), calm down, it will be okay and then he takes some deep breaths to calm his body. That usually calms him down and he can then resume in a normal tone of voice and without anger.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> With all due respect, I don't even see small stuff. I'm talking about escalating intentional hurtfulness intended to get one's way or punish disagreement or the expression of hurt feelings. Often, losing my temper convinces the instigator to cease and desist which allows me to map out a little safe space for myself.


Are you talking about an immature wife? If she is trying to hurt you on purpose, she herself was hurt first. She is trying to get revenge, it is silly of her doing that, but aren't most human beings like that? Using loud voice to get your peace can work, some people need that! 

I read something before, it says that we usually get bothered and upset by this and that. He doesn't get the gift I expected, I become upset. She said something which is not true about me, I get upset. People have big arguments because they can't agree which restaurant to go. Imagine, the next day, one of them got the news he or she is losing his or her job, he or she had cancer, would they still be upset about each other for what happened the day before. I am sure they wouldn't. Because they had big issues to worry about. 

Whenever something is bothering me now, I tell myself, my job is fine, my safety is fine, my health is fine! Then let's forget about this and do something else. It works great on me. The difference is I have a loving relationship with my husband, so my marriage isn't giving me any problems, but I used to have other kinds of problems, now they are all gone, because I just stop letting them bother me. 

Life is short, wasting our life feeling upset and bothered is not worthwhile.


----------



## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

I recommend this book: The Anger Trap. My therapist recommended to me and it helped me understand the source of my anger, which allowed me to better deal with it. 

Amazon.com: The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life (0723812601196): Les Carter: Books


----------



## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

pjbap said:


> A problem in my relationship is how I deal with negative emotions, frustrations, fears etc. I tend to get "angry" and may lash out impulsively. This is a hallmark of my upbringing. My brother is in the midst of a divorce because his wife couldn't take it anymore. My mother and father after 52 years of marriage, still bicker back and forth (amazing). I grew up with this crap.
> 
> It makes my wife uncomfortable, and I need to quell the propensity for me to blow the proverbial fuse. Any suggestions in how to go about changing that aspect of my own behavior?


 I am/was the same way you are sometimes the smallest of things made me POP. I have scared my wife and trust me thats not good, I know that I would NEVER hurt her. I started getting pro.help. We will not call it what it is because men dont like to use that word that it really is. Well my pro helper sat me down and it was much easier than I thought it was going to be. About week 3 or 4 I started to see what the biggest part of my problem was and it wasnt my wife. I also had things from my childhood that I needed answers for and in 1000 years I would have not dreamed this was the problem. They help Bro trust me, my anger was not true anger it was frustrations that I didnt know about. Just hope that you can get a handle on this before you end up like me. Im here now trying to save my marriage.:smthumbup:


----------

