# Questions about wives that have given up



## tosh1963 (Jan 1, 2010)

I have stated before that my wife has told me that she no longer loves me and wants a divorce. And she also refuses counseling because it would be a waste of time because she is way past that point. She told me that she has been confiding with two of her closest friends (both are happily married females) about her marital problems for quite some time now. I know our marriage was far from perfect but not once did she ever tell me that it was so bad for her that she was considering divorce. We had our little spats but never knock down drag it out for days type. It was usually resolved on the spot or later that day. Never any infidelity,alcohol or drug issues. Mostly communication problems. She says that I was not a good listener. I'm just confused. Because the times that I wanted to talk to her she would get irritable and just tell me that it was menopause. So I would back away and to try and let her cool down. She says that she took that as me not loving her. I feel like such a failure for not recognizing the severity of my marital problems. I just wish that someone would've pulled me aside to tell me that I was screwing up. Looking back I can see with clarity the little things that I should have been doing. Would it be unwise to talk to those friends? Or is this issue strictly between my wife and I? Or am I already the "bad guy" to them? Also is it common for a menopausal wife to assign blame to her marriage for her unhappiness? I better stop because I'm starting to ramble on.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't have a good answer for you on this one. I am the BFF for my friend who is thinking about leaving her H. I am keyed in on their marital problems, but I am not foolish enough to believe that I am hearing ALL the problems, just what she sees as the problems. Her H has contacted me several times and it is awkward. Almost as I feel that talking to him about anything she has shared would betray her trust in me. It has nothing to do with him, but I wouldn't want to jeapordize my relationship with her by getting in the middle. Now if he calls me asking for gift ideas I am all for it.......

If you have really close guy friends that you can talk to this stuff about, I would say go that route, or keep it between you two. I don't think her friends would necessarily think of you as the bad guy, but I do think that if information got back to your wife from them instead of you, it would do nothing but damage everything more. Just my opinion though!


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## tosh1963 (Jan 1, 2010)

Dawnd never thought about it that way. And that makes absolute sense. I mean if one of my friends wives wanted to talk to me about her marital problems and so forth I would feel awkward. Especially if he had been talking to me about it too. And you are smart in that you realize that you are only getting one persons perspective when hearing about problems. Thanks for your perspective. Suddenly I have no desire to talk to her friends.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I know it seems like a weird way to look at it, but it works lol. If you on one hand want to call and say "hey my wife has been unhappy and I want to do something to cheer her up. Any ideas?" that would be perfectly okay.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

tosh: I am in a simular situation, My wife says the same things. I have said if that is what you want then fine lets get it over, she then backs off. I has been 8 months of pain for me and every month she gets more distant. This last month before she went away for a few weeks she admitted she is very depressed and has been pushing me away. I caught me by surprise but now that I have read a lot It all make sense now. Is it possible she may be suffering from depression. She most likley will say no so you will have to do some work to see if it might be. Try reading and going to depressionfallout.com


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## tosh1963 (Jan 1, 2010)

dawnd that is really nice and its those types of things that I was never good at. I might try that if i get the nerve. No wonder my wife was frustrated with me!

tryingtocope I have a question for you... while going through her bouts with depression did or does your wife always think that her happiness was just around the corner? Like if she learned this new skill or bought this new dress or got a job or whatever that it would make her happy. And when she got what she wanted she eventually realized that she was not happy. I say this because my wife was stay-at-home and at the recommendation of her doctor went to work. Prior to that she went to cosmetology school, balloon twisting, face painting and etc... I supported her in all of these things and she eventually realized that none of these things made her happy. So I think that the divorce might just be one more thing to try in her quest to find the source of her unhappiness. I'll take a look at that website, too. Thanks.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

When your wife shuts down like that it can be a number or reasons midlife crisis or depression ext ext but the worst thing you can do is point the finger or try to explain say to her you are or have changed and pursue her .. 

Give her that space let her feel free , but let her no your there waiting as well that you are there to support her still . When she says something negative listen to it and even if it hurts just agree with her on it put value on it for her she is pulling away cause she sees them things as negatives that you caused so when you fight her and say this or that or this isnt the way it was it pushes her away further and also makes her think she is right in her assumption cause you are again fighting her on her feelings

when you stop fighting her and you start putting value on it for her with her she then starts to feel comfortable with it and she cant fight something that isnt fighting back its like taking the sails of a sail boat , she then instead comes closer to you which is what you want you want her to express them feelings cause there not going to go away if she dont get them out and if you are fighting her with them then they just stay and the walls will build higher and higher for you.. 

Let her have that space and time dont call her let her call you dont chase its like cat and mouse you chase she runs you stop she will stop and maybe she becomes the cat and you the mouse but you will be the mouse that lets yourself get caught

Oh dont talk to her friends about it one they could twist it on you and make it worse for you or just think you are weak and showing it to them for them to tell her as long as she thinks she has you by the ropes she has total control , take that away from her and just let her be for now it will make her think , you no your wife but right now she isnt acting like your wife is she ? she isnt thinking logically is she ? but in her mind she is so you got to support her choices to get her to open up and get close to you again.. fighting her will just push her further away ..

Being supportive to her and her feelings draws her in and if you going to talk to someone close to her friends that may make a difference it be there husbands influence on them, if you no them and trust them that is otherwise talking to anyone you cant trust 100 percent is a big no no , you want to show her you are there and love her but that you are not weak either


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

tosh: You asked all the right questions. My wife has been for the past 8 months doing anything to make her self happy. Then she reallizes that what she thought would really did not. What I understand is depressed people threaten divorce to get the partner to back off. My wife has said 5 times in the past 8 months that she is leaving me. She runs to her moms a 1000 miles away for three weeks and comes back. I said the last time ok lets go to the court house and get it over she then backed off. Now she threatens that I will have to pay her support thats the new threat. She did finally admit she is running away form her problems and is pushing everyone away. That was three weeks ago. I have not heard from her since so I guess the depression has taken over again. She is scheduled to come home tomorrow, we will see. In the mean time I have moved out of the house ( just My Stuff). She wants me to come home for dinner every night. My therapist says no way don't go. I have to play hard ball right now. If she get the help she needs I will give a little but for now I have to take care of me. Depression can be cause by many things, hormonal, vitamin difeciancy, seasonal, biological. If she will go to the dr. and open up maybe it will help. Good Luck


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

For me, its the little things that matter. My H bought me a new wedding band for Christmas and I was happy, but I was thrilled when I found out that he took the time to drive an hour to get the body lotion that I love. Yeah, its just lotion, but he REMEMBERED and he went out and did it. 

Little things carry a lot of weight, but definately have the depression issue looked into, because if shes depressed not a whole lot will effect her state of mind right now. Best of luck!


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