# Need advice after 8yrs marriage



## tseug (Oct 30, 2011)

Here it goes:

I have been with my wife since high school and now married 8 years. Past year having some difficultly with relationship.

I find while together, not much to say to each other anymore, wife is consumed with career and when home in evening always working and I feel not important or not a priority.

When we go out together drinking with friends I feel unwanted as I am ignored for the most part, I feel that since I don't get the attention home I would like it when we are out but that does not happen. Tried discussing this put too soon to see if it will work.

My wife is better with making friends of the opposite sex (always has been). We have mutual guy/girl friends that we met from recreational activities, etc. We do hang out in a group settings. Recently myself, wife and mutual guy friend (that she gets along better with than myself and we know for 8 years) returned home to have some drinks. I went to bed and those two stayed up downstairs drinking/talking all night and my wife didn't come up to bed. I trust them both, but feel jealous that I don't have this relationship with my own wife that she is interested in me as much as him and wants to stay up all night and chat. I don't agree with the staying up all night and talking but am I just being jealous?

Also, I overheard my wife asking our mutual guy friend to come on vacation with us as she finds it hard to do anything with me.
Shouldn't a wife want to be on vacation with her husband without a guy friend there?

It is like she likes the emotional relationship they have more than our own, and it makes me feel unloved, unwanted and not a priority.

No other issues really with relationship, no trust issues, just my jealously issues about her connection to other guys. I feel that she does take me for granted as I do everything...handle money/chores/most of cooking. Anybody experiencing anything like this, should I just drop this as I am overreacting? It is hard as this is the way I feel and hard to get past this!

Feedback Please!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you need to very concerned that she is cheating with the friend. Friends like him don't come on family vacations. It sounds like he is replacing you in her mind and heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

You sound needy. That is very uninteresting. Go to the men's clubhouse and start working on you.
For the love of God don't do the letter._Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

In my experience, its like a switch in some women. Once she turns it off, she has to deliberately decide to re-engage. Now, she's turned that switch on for another guy, though. Then, it comes down to expressing how it makes you feel, and very clear boundaries and expectations. In my opinion, you could be fighting for your marriage, so its time to wake up. Go to the men's clubhouse. Don't be surprised if you see some of the traits of a Nice Guy within. This isn't a put-down. Its a realization that she may receive the things you do out of love in a completely different light as what you intend.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

You have the right to be jealous. I've been where you are. Presently, I'm fighting off a repeat performance with another "good friend" "just friend" . The guy friend you describe is not a "friend of the family". This is a class II emotional affair that will progress to a PA if it hasn't already. Your wife is nurturing something she thinks she needs with someone else. Read Torn Asunder. 
Read the Five love Languages. Scroll through DearPeggy.com.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dddivorceee (Oct 30, 2011)

Well... it could be something or nothing. The fact that the guy is actually present is worrying and I am inclined to go with "JustWaiting"'s response. I have been the "other guy" in EMs that I didn't want, on 3 prolonged occasions. In 2 of the 3 they were exes of mine, and basically I tried hard to "cool" the woman, in both cases being very explicit in cutting off contact. I don't like getting between couples, at all. Oddly, I found that this just made them more keen. I have relented, in a way, with both of these, in that I am now back in regular contact with them. BUT they live in separate continents to me, and so the likelihood of PA is essentially nil. I don't want it anyhow. But I have come to realise that their having EAs with me actually helps their marriages. They find outlet and release in this way, and I honestly believe that they would likely have ended their marriages without this outlet. I regularly counsel them both to stay with their husbands, and try to help them through the tougher times. I have zero desire to be the agent of ending either of their marriages, but oddly have decided that if it wasn't me as the EA partner (essentially totally "safe" one), it would be someone else. The third case is just a friend, never been a girlfriend, and never will be one. Also lives in another continent. The flirtation she put my way has died completely, and we are simply good friends over the net now. Her husband, an old friend of mine who I would never betray, is fully au fait, and should be, as there is nothing amiss at all, though there once was, on her side. Sometimes women just seem to need outlets for their fantasy lives, which are "safe". Staying up drinking all night, in person, with the guy, and arranging essentially close encounters like that, is NOT good, however, in any way. I think you are right to be concerned about it. I assume you have discussed it with her directly?


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## tseug (Oct 30, 2011)

Thanks everyone for their input

I have discussed it with her and I will have to set clear boundaries. When I did bring it she said she always gets along with males the same as a girlfriend, so it was like drinking with a girlfriend. I am a guy and a guy is a guy, you never know if they would be loyal if it was thrown at them or if they had the opportunity. I would like to think both parties are loyal.

I never thought of the idea of a safe EA. I trust both our mutual guy friend and wife. It all started as we were all out drinking, my mutual guy friend was staying the night anyway, and both stayed up drinking. Regardless of a safe EA, I don't like the idea as both sleep downstairs on different couches. 

I have checked out the mens clubhouse and have alot to learn. With other issues by being too emotional, controlling, I am pushing her away and and as a result having an EA with our mutual guy friend.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tseug,

"Safe EA"

Do you realize how many guys end up banging the wife of a friend?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Have you read through this sticky?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

tseug said:


> and both stayed up drinking. Regardless of a safe EA, I don't like the idea as both sleep downstairs on different couches.


First there is no such thing as a "safe EA". As long as she is in an EA with someone else, she will not be in a place mentally to work on your marriage with you.

Second her drinking and sleeping downstairs with him on different couches was way out of line and should not have been allowed by you. You wife and him crossed the line big time. You should have gone downstairs and brought her up to bed. You should have also had a long talk with your wife about this.

Finally, the so called mutual friend is not your friend anymore. He is now your wife's friend and he is not a friend of your marriage. There is no way that he should be going on your family vacations.


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## tseug (Oct 30, 2011)

Yes guys you are right...

Yesterday I told her it was completely unacceptable and have set boundaries, and no he will not be coming on our vacation...ever.

I totally agree he is the friend of her more than me. I just didn't want to look jealous or controlling by telling her to come to bed. It was the first time that she has done this. Probably because she is emotionally involved with him.

I am in the process of waking up. Reading through the mens club and reading no more mr. nice guy. Absolutely crazy how I am a "nice guy" and have to work on me, before my marriage can start to improve. I have to set boundaries, develop NUTS, and start the transformation. I have not like what I become, being a doormat, and am realizing how this behaviour is affecting me, and my relationship with my wife and see how it affecting others but the stories I have read.

Thanks again for pointing me in the right direction and the feedback!


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## tseug (Oct 30, 2011)

Another thing is, there is no way to avoid the friendship as we are involved in sports together and have mutual group friendships and have get togethers. My wife does text this individual and did for some time. I do trust her and him. But I don't want to be jealous over this. From reading some stuff, I don't want to be emotional when fighting, just stick to the behavior point and tell her what I expect from her in the future. 

I don't want to control her and tell her who and who she can't text and be friends with as that can push her away (too needy, jealous, emotional, etc.). But staying up all night drinking then not coming upstairs to bed is completely unacceptable.

Do you think I should tell her not to text any guy friends at all, would that not seem controlling?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cut out the fear of being controlling and jealous. That's for back in high school and dating.

You are a grown man in a marriage. That means that boundaries exist and are something you do get to call one another on. If you don't you are a doormat. You are defending your marriage here. This guy is pushing into your relationship with your wife, and she isn't enforcing boundaries and defending the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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