# Many problems, not sure what to do anymore



## jm1980 (Dec 11, 2008)

Ok hi guys! Just to give you a little background of my fiancé and I, we have been together almost 5 years and engaged for almost 2. I told him I want to finish graduate studies before I get married. We are both 28 yrs old. We both work and are grad students.

#1. Since we have been together he has made it painfully obvious that he hates my entire family and all of my friends. To me, my family is like most others - a lot of good but a few nuts  He refuses to go to family get togethers or holidays. When I do ask him to go he sits the entire time glaring at everyone and being very distant. My aunt, who recently passed, had her 70th birthday and we had a big party because she had terminal colon cancer. He sat at the back of the room and my cousin tried to talk to him, he told her I am not interested in people, thanks. He will also treat me rudely if I have him go anywhere by slamming doors/cupboards around or picking fights with me. 

#2. He hates all my friends, doesn't like one of them. He thinks they are all drama queens and when I spend time with them, he has a big attitude about it. He will occasionally send me nasty cruel text messages if I go spend time with them. He also says that none of my friends are good enough for him or me, that he can't wait for me to finish grad school and find some "more" professional friends to spend time with. Funny thing is, all my friends are college grads like we are and they all work. I also told my fiancé that I can't expect everyone to be as book-smart as I am. I personally don't think genius level intelligence is required for my friendship. I love diversity.

#3. I have a 10 yr old son from a previous relationship who has special needs (bipolar, learning disabilities). My son and him don't get along at all. When they argue my fiancé will call him a f*cking jerk or f*cking a**hole. I have continuously told him that it doesn't help my son's problems and they will never develop a healthy relationship if he continues to treat my son like that. He thinks my son is a little monster who does everything on purpose. My fiancé has only been to our family therapy twice, once because I was out of town for training, and since then he refuses to go. He thinks anything to do with psychology is bullsh*t and nothing will help my son. 

#4. Money issues. Ok a little background here. I currently work part-time (20hrs a week) and go to school full time. In the past I have had problems being responsible with my money, or at least that is what he told me. I've never had any huge issues like car repos or anything that serious but I like to shop. The last few months I have been acting more conservative because I want to pay off my credit cards. 

We still have separate bank accounts. At the beginning of every month I pay half the bills. I also pay my own car note, insurance, and credit card payments. If I need help financially from him, he will give me crap about it. Start asking where all my $ is and why I don't have any. He has tried to make me feel like the reason we can't afford a house is because of my spending habits. I don't see how this is true. When it comes to his spending he will buy whatever he wants. Since we've been together, he has bought 2 vehicles and 2 motorcycles. His monthly payments for his vehicle and motorcycle are over a $1000. He has over 10K in credit card debt, which is twice the amount I have. 

When he talks about buying expensive things, it never includes us his family. It is more what he wants. For example, he wants to enroll in a $2000 race motorcycle course. My first thought is, why can't we put that into a savings toward buying a home?

OK so now you guys have some information. I really really need objective opinions on this because I am not sure I should marry this guy and I am not sure if I am really happy anymore. Help.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

jm1980 said:


> Ok hi guys! Just to give you a little background of my fiancé and I, we have been together almost 5 years and engaged for almost 2. I told him I want to finish graduate studies before I get married. We are both 28 yrs old. We both work and are grad students.
> 
> #1. Since we have been together he has made it painfully obvious that he hates my entire family and all of my friends. To me, my family is like most others - a lot of good but a few nuts  He refuses to go to family get togethers or holidays. When I do ask him to go he sits the entire time glaring at everyone and being very distant. My aunt, who recently passed, had her 70th birthday and we had a big party because she had terminal colon cancer. He sat at the back of the room and my cousin tried to talk to him, he told her I am not interested in people, thanks. He will also treat me rudely if I have him go anywhere by slamming doors/cupboards around or picking fights with me.
> 
> ...


I am not sure why you are with him. If anyone directed verbal abuse to my children, it would be over. My children are innocent and must be protected by me.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

My honest opinion is that your life with him now may be convenient while you are both still students and living within that world...family and friends are probably less a part of your lives right now as you focus on your studies and raising your son so it helps to be in a position to share expenses with your fiance.

When this phase ends and you are working full-time, your goals to buy a home, work, possibly have more children will need to be in line with his. Your family and friends will most likely become more important. Even if you buy a home and want to become friends with your neighbors, etc.

The fact that he does not appear to want any social interaction with your friends and family is telling. This is how things will be going forward and if you are already questioning your happiness, it will only get worse as time goes on and you build resentment. I'm not sure if he's socially inept or just a pompus a$$ but he seems to only be comfortable in a very small social circle and this will probably be difficult for you going forward.

The red flag I see is with your son. He is not stepping up to fill a step-father role. He seems to treat the fact that you have a son as an annoyance he puts up with to be with you. This will be damaging to your son going forward and may also be a sign that he does not have the patience to be a father. I would put your foot down immediately with the verbal abuse towards your son.

In all honesty, I can't imagine going forward with marriage with all you have laid out here.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

I totally agree with StrongEnough. WOW, this guy is a real jerk. Are you hoping things will change when you get married? They won't. If he can not have a good relationship with your son, how can he have a good relationship with you? He will probably never change the way he feels about your son and that to me would just equal a huge "good bye"!

You do NOT want a husband that can not even be civil to your family. He sounds like the type of person that thinks he is better than anyone else. If you do get married(and trust me on this, i have lived it) his beliefs will become yours and you will end up no better than him. You won't see it at first, it will be gradual... and you won't even know it is happeneing...but it will happen. Is that the kind of person YOU want to be? 

My honest opinion here is that he should have been gone the moment I knew he didn't like my son...and the first time he called him a F**ing anything.....he would have been out of my life for good!! Do you want your son growing up with that kind of behavior from someone who is supposed to be considered his "father"? I hope not!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I am not sure why you are with him. If anyone directed verbal abuse to my children, it would be over. My children are innocent and must be protected by me.


:iagree: I wouldnt even tolerate someone treating my dog that way.


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## jm1980 (Dec 11, 2008)

Thanks all for your feedback. 

No, I do not want my son treated that way. I argue with him about it all the time. I have put my son and I in a terrible position and I feel trapped. My son is innocent...I feel so awful. I can't tell you guys how I terrible I feel. My best friend hates him. Everyone that loves me doesn't like him. I know this sounds horrible, but right now I can't afford to move out. I have been applying at lots of places for full-time positions. I have been working for 6 months at my current part-time job and still I am not financially stable. I have exactly 12 months left in my master's program and then I'm done. I feel so guilty for putting my little boy through this. I am trying. I guess I am holding on to something that has become familiar and painful. 

I don't want to be like him, no. I love God, my friends and family. I am so scared to leave. That I won't be able to provide for my son. That he will suffer. I have lost so much faith in my ability being with this man.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Continue to press on with finding a full-time position. You may also want to look at other short-term options for living arrangements...would you be able to share a place with a friend or family? Or rent a room in a house? Are there options within your means that you haven't thought of that may not be ideal but for the short-term until you finish school and are working full-time?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

jm1980 said:


> I have lost so much faith in my ability being with this man.


That happened to me, too. when i met m H i was very independent. Now im struggling to get back on my feet. It happens. Just take it one day at a time and have a goal in mind. 

I am sure you're son will be fine. We all have our share of things to cope with from childhood.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would look into government subsidized housing. Sometimes the wait is long, but your local Division of Family Services office should be able to point you in the right direction. I understand that you feel bad. I am sorry for what you and your son are going through, but now you are at a crossroads and you must decide if you will continue to let your son be treated like this or if you will find a way come hell or high water to get you and your son out!


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Or, can you move in with your parents? Keep in mind that it is only temporary.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You WILL be able to provide for youself and your son. It's just easier now with his income there, but once you make the move, you will get it down. Get a roommate if you need be.

I understand you don't want to put your son through financial hardship - but the emotional harship of him being around this guy will harm his very deeply and very long-term. Being tight on money but happy and safe with just mom will NOT harm him. So, don't use money as an excuse to let your son be treated this way.

Your fiance will NOT change ... he'll likely get worse. If you want total objective advice, do not marry him. The guy sounds like a complete jerk and, honestly, like someone headed toward being an abusive husband (he's already verbally abusive). His desire to disconnect you from family and friends is a huge red flag to that.

Walk, don't run, out of his life. I can bet you that if you really wanted to sort it out, you'd find a way to move out (or have him move out) and still pay your bills. It's a matter of prioritizing your son's well-being (and your own) over the easy money route of having him pay half the bills.


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## jm1980 (Dec 11, 2008)

I have decided that I am going to leave. I have to get all my ducks in a row as my family has said, which will be soon. I just needed to see other perspectives. I am very scared and anxious since making this decision.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Hang in there jm, you are in for a tough and long road, but you can do it. Just be strong and have faith in yourself!! Best of luck to you!


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## jm1980 (Dec 11, 2008)

Thank you guys. I got an application for sub housing today. I am terrified of leaving. I am not sure what is wrong with me.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I am not sure why you are with him. If anyone directed verbal abuse to my children, it would be over. My children are innocent and must be protected by me.


:iagree: get rid of him. who are you protecting here. your child needs you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

jm1980 said:


> Thank you guys. I got an application for sub housing today. I am terrified of leaving. I am not sure what is wrong with me.


I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It is scary for many reasons, huge change, financial worries and his reaction, not to mention you have been together a long time and this is a life-changing move. However, from what you've stated, I really believe once you are settled that you will feel at peace with this decision. Stay close to your family & friends during this time.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

:iagree:

You are making the right decission and you and your son will get through this and be better off.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

jm1980 said:


> Thank you guys. I got an application for sub housing today. I am terrified of leaving. I am not sure what is wrong with me.


Are you terrified of the actual leaving or of the change and unknown? It can't be anymore terrifying that staying in your current situation...
Change is difficult and hard.


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