# His fetish is hurting the relationship



## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

My Husband to be and I have always been open about our lives, he told me about his fetish early in the relationship. Over the years I was supportive and even willing to delve into his world of this fetish. It is about set forms of underwear for both me and him to wear. It has always been almost a binge purge issue with us, he would stop paying attention to me sexually unless we are playing in his fetish (witch means no penetration), until I would get tired of it and force the issue. This will work for a week or so but go right back to the way it was, we have had bought of over 6 months with no sex, only is “games” and then perhaps once a month. 

I am hoping to have a family; though the longer we are together the less he is interested in sex. The emotions are there, that is not a question, but I have found that I am no longer able to push the issue. I know it is a self esteem thing, but after this long I should not have to beg for a normal part of the relationship in my mind. 
The fact that we moved across the country leaving my job and building career behind, and am having trouble finding anything in the new town is not helping my esteem issues. 

I know I should not get mad at something I agreed to long ago but many days I wonder if I am just a replaceable entity, and the item is the thing that he is in love with. How can someone love someone so much and have no desire to touch them? 

I have used every option other then another partner that I can come up with, and I refuse to go that road. However I have not been able to have any physical relationship in some time. I have thought of Therapy, though all we can work on is my self image, witch just gets beaten down again when I get rejected the next time. 

I am at my whit’s end, I need some advice.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

And *your *fetish is staying in such a relationship. You will be very unhappy if you get married, and if you have a kid, you will probably be trapped for the duration.

You have allowed your self esteme to be tied up in seeking his love and desire. Can't you see the loop you're going round and round in?

If you are entering marriage with a view to changing him - forget it. That never works.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

tigersmoonva, my wife has a strong fetish concerning a certain type of undergarment that she wants to wear. I can only assume the undergarment in your question, but I "think" I know what your talking about as I am assuming your husband has the same fetish as my wife.

I too agreed to this fetish of hers long ago because I want her to be fully comfortable with herself when she's with me. Is it something I necessarily love myself? No, not really. But, I see how she reacts when I indulge that fetish and then I can have fun with the knowledge that she gets that worked up with it.

I think the difference though is that when we don't indulge in my wife's fetish we still have fun with sex. But, I will say I notice a difference in how she acts when we are indulging in her fetish and the times we aren't. I'd say when we don't indulge her fetish she's 75% there vs 110% there when we do indulge it.

For me though, fulfilling her fetish isn't that big of a deal for me and it's something I have no problem continuing to do. But, I can (and do) understand where you are coming from with this. I don't understand though, with his fetish he want's 0 penetration the whole time? Or is it that he won't give penetration WITHOUT having his fetish indulged? I'm not quite clear on that...

I do not know fully your relationship with your H, but I know even though my wife has this fetish she still loves me. The way I think about it is like this. I love hamburgers and I will eat them pretty much no matter what's on them. But, if you put mayo on that burger that makes my enjoyment of the hamburger a lot greater. I see it as the same way with my wife and her fetish. She loves me and loves to be intimate with me. But, adding that fetish for her is like icing on the cake.

I hope that makes sense!


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## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

It dose make since, I love him greatly, and he goes out of his way to show me love in every other manner possible. However I feel as though i am always being rejected physically. As for the explanation of the penetration, when we indulge him, there is almost never true penetration. The undergarment is one that prevents easy access. When there is some, it is not even a noticeable percentage due to inches of layers between. When we do try with out his "play" he is nowhere near and "interested" so there is little enjoyment for me that way either. And as he insists on indulging his fetish 24/7 by only wearing this, he is very rarley "in need of a release".

I am not looking to change him, I suppose I am looking for a way to deal with my own issues with myself it creates. It is hard to be in a relationship that is very touchy feelie, but when you start to get romantic you are told that they are not interested unless there are inches of layers between you.

The bad part is I start to shut down, and there for make things worse. I try to make myself try, but it is hard when you never see the point. I do not dought the caring and love, only my own ability to deal with my needs being overlooked unless i give ultimatums.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

A big difference with us tigers is with my wife the garment comes off so we CAN have sex. I can totally see your frustration there! It seems like his fetish is even more deeply rooted than my wife's.

Have you both sat down and talked about what it's doing to you to do it every time? Have you tried to work with him to have every other time his way and the other to have penetration? 

If you have discussed this in depth it seems to me your H needs some counseling. There is a difference between what I consider a "kink" fetish and a crippling fetish. It almost seems to be your h's is bordering on a crippling one.


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## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

Your right, though i have tried to stay away from the counseling word. He did that as a child, and i think he takes it to mean that he is wrong all together. 

We have talked about it, we go on a merry go round of sorts. we will go for months with no "real" intimacy, only for me to get depressed from the rejection. He will try to cheer me up (that is were we are now) with other things to smooth over the issue. Finally I will break, and he will find me in a gooie puddle on the floor crying. He will try to break his cycle for a week or two, but then go right back to the way things were.

I know the issue is I need to grow a backbone and learn to deal, though that is not very easy to do.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Actually I don't agree you need to learn to "deal". Where a fetish crosses the line into a problem is when it impacts intimacy. I honestly think your H needs a bit of help. I feel it's crossed the line IMO.

I may get tired sometimes of my wifes fetish sometimes, but it's never caused us real intimacy issues. It's because hers doesn't cross that line that it looks like your hubbys is.


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## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

Thanks, I think he and I are at the point of needing a new sit down and talk. I just hope i have the backbone to say what needs to be said.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I take it this is way beyond boxers or briefs?


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## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

michzz said:


> I take it this is way beyond boxers or briefs?


yeah, the boxer and briefs would be like Christmas to me


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tigersmoonva said:


> Thanks, I think he and I are at the point of needing a new sit down and talk. I just hope i have the backbone to say what needs to be said.


Are you crazy? What exactly are you going to talk about?

OK, OK, lets put it another way. Imagine the conversation went perfectly, how would it go?

Then tell me how you think it will go in reality.

My advice: you got legs, use them.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> And *your *fetish is staying in such a relationship. You will be very unhappy if you get married, and if you have a kid, you will probably be trapped for the duration.
> 
> You have allowed your self esteme to be tied up in seeking his love and desire. Can't you see the loop you're going round and round in?
> 
> If you are entering marriage with a view to changing him - forget it. That never works.


I'm not sure how many times you need someone to tell you this.


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## tigersmoonva (Jun 17, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> Are you crazy? What exactly are you going to talk about?
> 
> OK, OK, lets put it another way. Imagine the conversation went perfectly, how would it go?
> 
> ...


well part of the sitting down will be the fact that i do have legs, and that i can and most likely will leave as he is not willing to give more to the relationship. I do not want to give no option for growth, because if nothing else I do and always will love him. However even if i leave, I want him to know why. Perhaps it will help him in the future.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> And *your *fetish is staying in such a relationship. You will be very unhappy if you get married, and if you have a kid, you will probably be trapped for the duration.
> 
> You have allowed your self esteme to be tied up in seeking his love and desire. Can't you see the loop you're going round and round in?
> 
> If you are entering marriage with a view to changing him - forget it. That never works.


So here it is again.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> And *your *fetish is staying in such a relationship. You will be very unhappy if you get married, and if you have a kid, you will probably be trapped for the duration.
> 
> You have allowed your self esteme to be tied up in seeking his love and desire. Can't you see the loop you're going round and round in?
> 
> If you are entering marriage with a view to changing him - forget it. That never works.


And here it is again


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> And *your *fetish is staying in such a relationship. You will be very unhappy if you get married, and if you have a kid, you will probably be trapped for the duration.
> 
> You have allowed your self esteme to be tied up in seeking his love and desire. Can't you see the loop you're going round and round in?
> 
> If you are entering marriage with a view to changing him - forget it. That never works.


And yet again.

At what point will you get the message?

Do you need it again?


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