# I cheated but I want my husband back. Please please help!



## marta

We have been together for 12 yrs, married for 7. We have been very much in love with each other but both had an affair while just dating. We spent a lot of time in different countries because of work reasons (basically about 4-5 years total were long distance relationship). Also, we had a lot of financial problems, with me paying almost all the bills for the entire marriage. My husband is an artist and I am very proud of him. I happily invested my work in him but it was hard. 
After he had the affair while we were engaged I had little trust in him and checked his email constantly. One day I noticed he changed his password and I became very very angry. I told him he can no longer count on me and intentionally started being interested in a co-worker who had a crush on me. This EA started a life of its own and grew rapidly but my husband found out about it before it turned into a PA. We were both crushed by this, we both suffered a lot and we decided to reconcile. My husband gave me all his love and trust and although the distance and the money problem continued, we were in love and happy. But I also kept the other man in my mind and could not be completely over my ER although I stopped communicating with him completely. This OM is a womanizer and I felt tricked by his flirting with me - I had this question in my mind whether he was genuine with me or not. Plus I has some fantasy about a possible PA affair with him. It all led to me initiating and maintaining this EA and PA with the OM for 6-7 mo, lying and deceiving my husband in a manner that I am very ashamed of. What amazes me is that at this point my husband was back home, got very successful in his work and was caring and loving. He is a wonderful man and great lover, sex was NEVER a problem with us. 
My husband found out about this affair I had with the man he told m never to talk again. And of course his respect and love for me dramatically diminished. He tells me he has no love and no respect, that I fell from sky to earth for him. That he loved me immensely and I was his life and I destroyed him and his dreams. He wants to be friends but told me to make no hopes for reconciliation this time.
I feel terrible and I realize now what i lost. My wonderful wonderful husband but also my innocence, my old self, the girl who was good and pure and an angel for my husband. All because I could not get over an EA which started as a stupid revenge ....I feel stupid and conatminated, unworthy of my husband...but I want him back so much. I want OUR LOVE back, I want to reconstruct our beautiful and special love. Please help me with some advice. How can I get my husband back? his love and his trust?
The OM is like dead for me now -- although the first reason for the affair to stop was him being a womanizer, I don't care at all about this guy now. All the feelings for him that I took as love are gone and I feel they will never come back.
Thank you for your time and help!
PS: be tough with me, I know I deserve it.


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## marta

Reading my post I realize the timing may be confusing. The first EA with the OM happened 4yrs ago. I started the second EA and the PA in January this year. During the 4yr break I almost did not talk to him at all - just hello every once in a while...but I continued to think of him sometime, which was a stupid stupid mistake


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## Maia

Hi Marta,

In my opinion, if you have cheated on your husband it means that there was something wrong in your relationship. I think that a lot of people cheat as an escape way. 
Maybe you wanted this to end? but were afraid of actually doing that?

You need to ask yourself, are you happy in your marriage? in life? probably not if you cheated.

There is noting that you can do now but to be honest. Move a head, and try to understand what made you cheat.

You should tell your husband how you feel. 

I wish you all the best.


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## jnj express

What does your H., want of you

Are the 2 of you reconciling, and if so, what are you doing, in the way of the heavy lifting to get your H., back

You need to understand one thing, you need to stop calling your A., a mistake---it was never a mistake, it was a series of bad choices by you

You had to make decisions every step of the way---"my H., or the other man"---those decisions were not mistakes---YOU CHOSE YOUR LOVER OVER YOUR H.

It doesn't matter what you think of your lover now, it doesn't matter that you were nothing but sex to him---what matters is what your H., thinks, and how he is handling all of this

I suggest you go to all the websites, and find readings, about what the truly remorseful, contrite, SELFLESS, spouse does to win their partner back

Your H., looks at you, and sees your lover inside of you, this is what you are fighting, this is what you MUST, somehow defeat

You want him to see a woman, he loves---he probably will never love that woman again, cuz she is dead to him---so start over---treat this as if you were at the beginning, just starting to date/court


Court him, date him---send him flowers, cook meals for him, take him out and do the things he likes to do----try to hold him close when he is in pain, from the visions he has of you with your lover

Just go out of your way, to do anything to make your mge., work


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## marta

Thank you for your replies. I don't know exactly what my husband wnats. he says I destroyed everything and that things can never be the same again. When I beg him to reconcile he says we have 0.01% changes to do so. That what I did brings feelings that are no longer in our control. He tells me that he wants to move out soon, to start a new life with someone else who truly loves him... But other times he tells me he still feels tenderness for me and we had sex several times in the past two months since D-day. We looked at our old pictures and cried together....But now he's been away for 1-2 weeks and I am worried. We communicate (talk/write) every day and he told me that a girl is hitting on him and that he is attracted to her. This makes me so so worried....


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## nice_cheryl

Hi Marta,

You shouldn't despair, it's a very tough road ahead but I've seen marriages in a worst state recovering... and yes I've seen marriages with far less problems breaking up. But there are ways to recover a broken marriage, although it is a very narrow path. I can send you some useful links if you'd like. It's very hard but it's doable.

I agree with the other posters, this was not a mistake, even though it is probably easier for you to brand it as such. You had your own reasons to act the way you did - what were they? You did choose the lover over your husband repeatedly, how do you think it makes him feel knowing that.

There are causes that lead to cheating, but never excuses! Your decision to cheat on your husband because he changed his password on his e-mail/facebook/twitter/whatever is outright laughable - who would cheat over a thing like that. Right? You need to understand the real causes in order to ELIMINATE them. Even if it brings pain to single them out.
One of the biggest causes is not meeting each other's emotional needs (which, by the way, also includes sexual fulfillment). This happens basically in any marriage or long-term relationship, without exception, and it can be addressed in a variety of ways (total honesty, always keeping a channel of open communication, full trust in the other etc). Long-term partnerships last because the two parties know or learn how to cope with this very natural way relationships evolve - you become comfortable with each other, you take things for granted and forget how to meet the other's emotional needs. It is a 50%-50% thing, it's almost never just the fault of one party. Cheating is by far the worst decision one could take in a relationship - it is a very selfish act which most of the time ends up destroying the relationship (most marriages don't survive an affair). 

I'm surprised your husband is still with you after your long-term affair, cheating twice with the same man etc. Perhaps you have a chance. Have you been totally honest with him after the discovery? I agree with Maia, I think you should tell him how you feel. Total honesty is a must if you want to have the slightest chance... trickle-truths and gaslighting destroy things faster once infidelity occurs! 

The road to recovery is very long and difficult, do not expect miracles or overnight success. Let me know if you want those links.


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## nice_cheryl

Also, it would help if you could give us a very honest and more detailed timetable of events.

What about the two affairs you and your hubby had while dating, were they EA or PA affairs? How long did they last? I suspect they deeply affected your relationship. Who had the first of those two affairs, and why? How many years ago?

When did the PA start this year (January?), and how long did it last (6-7 months?). This begs the question - if sex was never a problem with your hubby, why did you start the PA in the first place, especially if he was around? Are you truly honest about it? How was sex with the other man, how often did you sleep with him? How was sex with your hubby during the affair? 

How did the affair reach its conclusion? Simply because your husband found out about it? If not, who put an end to it, you or your lover? 

This might hint to deeper problems, especially if you say you thought you were in love with the other man. Try to be truthful about your answers. They key to finding the real causes is to be honest to yourself about what happened, and especially why it happened. Once you find out, you can start the recovery process.


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## Shaggy

Marta, I doubt he is coming back. You knew how cheating makes a person feel in a dating relationship because it happen to you, but after being married? That's much much worse, on top of that it was with a guy he had already caught you with.

He very reasonably propabky now thinks you have been cheating with the OM for years.

Sorry babe, but you made selfish cruel decisions to cheat with this guy. It as cost you your husband, his love, your marriage, and your growing old with him.

Honestly, what you did is so very stupid, callous, and selfish your husband is going to be much better off without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration

Sorry to hear your situation. Just don't beg or plead for him to stay. It may drive him further away. Tell him you want him to stay but you understand if he needs to leave. Remember as long as he is the house, you have a chance. Just drop the subject with him. It may blow over. It may not.


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## crossbar

problem is that if he's not willing to try, you can't make him. For a lot of people, a PA is a deal breaker. And you just broke that deal. 

I would suggest that YOU go into individual counseling to figure out the real reason on why you did what you did. Then, if your husband is still around. Suggest Marriage counseling. If he doesn't want to do that then see if he'll go with you to one of you IC appointments.


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## sadcalifornian

In hindsight, you should realize that you carried on this EA for the whole 4 years by saying "hello" once in a while. Any A without complete NC afterwards is an A that never ended. If you hadn't maintained that minimal contact of "hello" during the 3-4 yrs, I highly doubt this full blown PA would've happened. 

As for the present situation, there is not much you can do as the ball is in your H's side. You just do what you can do, which is to constantly show him of your remorse in whatever means possible and assuring him that you love him and this will never happen again. He may change his mind or he may not. This is not your call to make. You are at his mercy. But, you can make effort to raise your odds a little.

Remember, R takes a long time and a great deal of effort and "patience". Are you sure you are ready for it? If you falter already at this stage, you just may not be the kind to do R, even if he offers it. If R is truly what you want, don't falter. Just keep doing what you are supposed to be doing for him. Make yourself remorseful, open, loving and ready to take him back when he does come back. 

Some may suggest giving him space, but I believe in sending txt msgs periodically with your thoughts of remorse and love. Also, make him aware that you are being good all this time by telling him what you are doing each day, so he wouldn't have a shred of doubt you are upto no good.

Good Luck !


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## Soccerfan73

That's a lot of poison to inject into your marriage. A ONS is one thing, but a guy buddy you've had flings with over a 4 year span is quite another. That would be tough to live with, just waiting for the 3rd fling to occur. 

Best of luck.


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## marta

nice_cheryl said:


> Hi Marta,
> 
> 
> The road to recovery is very long and difficult, do not expect miracles or overnight success. Let me know if you want those links.


Thank you all for your replies. Nice-cheryl, I would very much like those links you suggested. Thank you!


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## Jellybeans

Marta....my question is: do you have feelings for the OM? Be honest. I ask because you sought him out twice...and the second time was after your husband told you there would be no second chance. Answer that honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Oh and how long after the EA ended was it before you reconnected and had the PA with OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

Was it with the same man both times? If so, you're most likely SOL because it shows a pattern of you going back to the OM. If it's the same man, he'll NEVER trust you ever again no matter how hard you try.


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## Jellybeans

I'm confused on the timelines.

You said you both cheated while dating, then during the engagement your husband cheated again, then you cheated with OM. 

Then you say an EA-PA lasted 6-7 months. Was that during the engagement or during the marriage?

How did your husband find out you had the affair?

Please explain.


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## marta

Sorry for the confusion, I'll try to explain. I cheated in the beginning of our relationship by not ending my previous one - this happened 1-2 times when I wasn't yet clear how committed I was to my husband-to-be. After 1 year we engaged and after another 2 years he cheated (EA and PA). Then we married and 3 yeas into our marriage I had the EA. He forgave me but asked me never to talk to the guy again. I did not talk to the guy for 4 years. But this year I wanted to say goodbye (I moved to a different job) and it all went wrong from there...I had the EA+PA. My husband found out about it when it was basically over, from texts and emails that I forgot to delete. Thank you all for writing, I appreciate your perspectives and advices.


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## Jellybeans

The fact that it was the same guy again, like someone else said, has got to kill your husband inside. 

You both cheated...several times apparently throughout your relationship.

Do you really want to be with your husband if you went back ot this other guy? Or is it just familiarity at this point? Like, maybe you only want to be with him since he's told you he's done and now you feel yourself drowning cause that one part of your life that was always secure is gone. Make sense?


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## sadcalifornian

Like I said before, you don't have much control over this situation now. The ball is in your H's side. Just be consistent with your remorse and actions. You can regret, introspect, etc., all you like. However, from the BH's standpoint, all he will see is your "actions" only. If your "actions" are not consistent with your will to R, then you are reducing your chance for R that much. Show consistent actions and think deep why this happened. What inside you drove to do this? But, never never blame your H in this. People do not set their house on fire just because they are not happy with a bathroom layout. You may want to justify your setting the house on fire by thinking how unhappy the bathroom made you feel. But, setting the fire is in no way a solution to the bathroom layout. Therefore, there really is no correlation. The bottom line is that you just have gone wacko, that's all.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

so while dating he cheated, then you had a 'revenge' cheat ? (cut the sh*t BTW, you didnt do it for revenge. You did it because you wanted to and he gave you an excuse)... 

So you get married and your having money/life problems... so you go back and cheat with the same guy again? (guess you dont bother calling that one revenge right?, lol) hubby catches you, forgives and asks you to never talk to this guy again? 

then you betray him yet again and not only seek out contact with this man again... you start fu*king him? 

NOW..... Your husband is wildy successful, you realized your affair partner only wanted sex and you wanna know how to fix things?

You don't.

If you really love him, you let him go. 

But you won't. Because you are selfish, weak and scared and your wondering what will happen to YOU now that you have no f*ck buddy and your husband is leaving you....

So, do what your going to do anyway. Pursue, manipulate and use every trick you have in your book. 

I suspect the old tricks arent working and that you have already tried them. Hoping to find some new tips/tricks and angles here? 

"I want my husband back. please. please help"

Got nothing for you, sorry.

Good luck.


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## marta

Got nothing for you, sorry.

Good luck.[/QUOTE]


Pit-of-my-stomach, if you have nothing for me why bother writing here? 
You are probably a hurt man and that's why you do it. I guess I understand you.


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## CH

I'm pretty sure he's thinking what a ****en idiot I've been, she's been cheating since 4 years ago till now. How could I have been so stupid for all these years, living like an ignorant fool while she's been screwing around on me.

You could even take a polygraph test and pass with flying colors but in the back of his mind he'll always have that nagging voice saying, she cheated on me for 4 years!

Well, if I was your husband that's what I would be thinking. And that's alot of time to build up some pretty good anger and resentment, thinking the wife has been sleeping with the OM for 4 years under his nose.


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## morituri

People, like animals, tend to runaway from that which is chasing them since it usually means they are going to get hurt. You're husband is already hurt and your chasing him is only pushing him further away. Your pleas and promises are worthless and have no emotional value for him. If there is any hope of reconciliation, it will depend on your husband's willingness to give you a chance to prove yourself through your actions and his ability to truly forgive you in order for him to overcome his personal devastation. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you be acting the same way he is?

If you truly want to fight to regain your husband's trust and love for you, then you are going to have to have plenty of patience and develop a very thick skin to withstand all the hurtful things he will say to you when he is in pain. His personal recovery could take anywhere from 2 to 5 years. Very daunting, isn't it? Are you truly sure you're up to the task?


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## Initfortheduration

"But I also kept the other man in my mind and could not be completely over my ER although I stopped communicating with him completely. This OM is a womanizer and I felt tricked by his flirting with me - I had this question in my mind whether he was genuine with me or not. Plus I has some fantasy about a possible PA affair with him. It all led to me initiating and maintaining this EA and PA with the OM for 6-7 mo, lying and deceiving my husband in a manner that I am very ashamed of."

You say right here that you got exactly what you wanted. You took a risk, because in truth, you had contempt for your husband.
He was just an artist, and after all these years paying the bills, I felt entitled to an affair. 

If you want to maybe have a chance with your husband, drop all the excuses. Was he an artist when you married him? Did you ever berate him for not being a bread winner.

Tell you what, can you get him to post here?


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## Shaggy

He is very much thinking he has been played for a fool and humiliated. He is also now looking at you, not as the love of his life, but as someone he knows will do it again given his trust and opportunity.

You waited 4 years last time between your cheatng. So he is also thinking that despite your words today, and even your actions today, eventually you WILL cheat again.

I wish there was a way to regain his trust, but the way you betrayed him, it would take a miracle for him to trust again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

If you really want to try and get your husband back then the best you can hope for is that he'll give you another chance to redeem yourself.

Don't beg, don't pout, just try and be the best wife you can. But you also have to see if he's trying a little bit. If he gets angry then there is still a chance because he's still hurt but still cares.

But if he's cold to you now and doesn't really care about anything having to do with you, that's a bad sign and it could be the end of your marriage.

Remember when you're still angry and yelling at someone, that means you still care enough to do it. The minute you don't care/love them anymore you just become numb and ignore them.

Patience is your best friend and hoping that your husband has a VERY big heart to forgive you again for the 2nd time.


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## Jellybeans

Marta hasn't been back. If you do read this, realize your husband is heartbroken. With cheating on both sides, clearly there are som eproblems in your marriage. Sounds like the ball is in his court. So you will have to see what he says. If you want, you can plead your case to him, apologize, empathize, break off all contact with the OM completely and forever, go to marriage counselling, tell him you are willing to do any/everything to repair your marriage. If he is receptive, awesome. If not, you will have to concede. 

Whichever way this shakes out--you learned some valuable lessons. Don't repeat them. If you do, it's clear you didn't learn.


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## sadcalifornian

I wish posters would be more sensitive to the fact that WWs posting here are in need of support and guidance not so much bashing and criticism.


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## Shaggy

They also need honest voices. I didn't see bashing here, but I did see people who offered real advice, but don't accept either fog talk, denial, blame transfer etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

sadcalifornian said:


> I wish posters would be more sensitive to the fact that WWs posting here are in need of support and guidance not so much bashing and criticism.


Are you kidding dude?

Im going to reply assuming you were at least partially referring to my post to her.

I haven’t had the motivation to waste my breath replying her last post toward me. This person is not going to change. I understand your compassion, and want to help wounded souls. But, Read the thread again. This time insert the things this poster isn’t saying. 

Clearly this person REGRETS getting caught (THREE TIMES with the same man) there is no remorse. She may regret that she choose the wrong horse in the race, and she clearly regrets having to live with the consequences of her own decision. 

What's not being said? What's not being said, is that she did not do this once, not twice but 3 times throughout the duration of her entire marriage. This is not "poor her, I made a mistake please help me" That is not a mistake. That is toxic and damaged. 

Now why would someone choose to do that with the same person over and over? Betray their husband, lie, cheat, gaslight, and all of the other fun crap that this person was obviously doing throughout their marriage? 

Love or more accurately, what this person thought was "love" or her soul mate or whatever. After being caught several times, even a person completely void of any respect for there spouse would have chosen another affair partner if it was just cheating and liking the "buzz"/excitement. Why did she keep coming back to the same well? You know why. She thought she was in love, OM was "the one", the soul mate, the one that got away, etc, etc, puke.

Read the thread again. Cut through the smoke and mirrors, look for the truth. 

She does not need support and guidance. She needs a complete overhaul. 

What was her reaction to being slapped in the face with a cold bucket of the truth?. 

She thinks I must have said those things to her because of MY HURT? So it was a problem with me, get it? It had nothing to do with her, or her actions. She said at the end of her initial post…. 



Marta said:


> PS: be tough with me, I know I deserve it.


What happened when someone was tough with her? Was she contrite and accountable? Or did it become someone else’s fault/pain that caused them to be tough? Did she stand tall and accept what she said she deserved? Do you think some of that venom I blasted at her wasn’t thought out and intentional? 

Making a difference in someone life isn’t exclusive to the person posting. As things stand, The greater good is that she let him go. Thats right for HIM.

People do make mistakes, some DS' are genuinely in need of help and deserve guidance. Maybe she will someday, I genuinely hope she takes a deep look in the mirror and takes away hard painful lessons from what has happened. 

I hope shes not "gone" from here and swallows the hard pills and keeps trying. I hope she grows from this or finds the girl inside of her that deserves to be loved "all the way". Right now, in my opinion she's getting exactly what she deserves.


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## sadcalifornian

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Are you kidding dude?
> 
> Im going to reply assuming you were at least partially referring to my post to her.
> 
> I haven’t had the motivation to waste my breath replying her last post toward me. This person is not going to change. I understand your compassion, and want to help wounded souls. But, Read the thread again. This time insert the things this poster isn’t saying.
> 
> Clearly this person REGRETS getting caught (THREE TIMES with the same man) there is no remorse. She may regret that she choose the wrong horse in the race, and she clearly regrets having to live with the consequences of her own decision.
> 
> What's not being said? What's not being said, is that she did not do this once, not twice but 3 times throughout the duration of her entire marriage. This is not "poor her, I made a mistake please help me" That is not a mistake. That is toxic and damaged.
> 
> Now why would someone choose to do that with the same person over and over? Betray their husband, lie, cheat, gaslight, and all of the other fun crap that this person was obviously doing throughout their marriage?
> 
> Love or more accurately, what this person thought was "love" or her soul mate or whatever. After being caught several times, even a person completely void of any respect for there spouse would have chosen another affair partner if it was just cheating and liking the "buzz"/excitement. Why did she keep coming back to the same well? You know why. She thought she was in love, OM was "the one", the soul mate, the one that got away, etc, etc, puke.
> 
> Read the thread again. Cut through the smoke and mirrors, look for the truth.
> 
> She does not need support and guidance. She needs a complete overhaul.
> 
> What was her reaction to being slapped in the face with a cold bucket of the truth?.
> 
> She thinks I must have said those things to her because of MY HURT? So it was a problem with me, get it? It had nothing to do with her, or her actions. She said at the end of her initial post….
> 
> 
> 
> What happened when someone was tough with her? Was she contrite and accountable? Or did it become someone else’s fault/pain that caused them to be tough? Did she stand tall and accept what she said she deserved? Do you think some of that venom I blasted at her wasn’t thought out and intentional?
> 
> Making a difference in someone life isn’t exclusive to the person posting. As things stand, The greater good is that she let him go. Thats right for HIM.
> 
> People do make mistakes, some DS' are genuinely in need of help and deserve guidance. Maybe she will someday, I genuinely hope she takes a deep look in the mirror and takes away hard painful lessons from what has happened.
> 
> I hope shes not "gone" from here and swallows the hard pills and keeps trying. I hope she grows from this or finds the girl inside of her that deserves to be loved "all the way". Right now, in my opinion she's getting exactly what she deserves.


Easy, dude. No, I wasn't particularly referring to your post. Your post was truthful and fair. It's just that I feel when WW posts about her indescretion, she is opening herself up to be vulnerable to all kinds of criticism. So, I thought we should be just a tad bit easy on them so that we won't have this forum inviting only BS. I don't want us to scare the WWs away.


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## rrrbbbttt

To be perfectly honest from my perspective the R. Lee Ermey "Geico Commercial" approach was far more effective and got me through it and back to my wife faster then the months of the "Touchy Feely" approach. Honesty and Truth works and sometimes someone's feelings at that time are going to be raked over the coals but didn't that someone rake you over the coals and draw and quarter your feelings?


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## marta

Dear Pit-of-my-stomach,

I see your point. I see what this looks from the outside... :-(

Just one quick note -- the first affair was with a different OM. It was 12 years ago during the first 2-3 weeks I was dating my current husband for the very first time. The first OM was my old high-school flame and we met just 2 or 3 times. The minute I realized I am falling in love with my husband, I stopped it completely. I was only 20 years old at that time.

The last two affairs (first EA, second PA this year, 4 years later) were with the same OM. Yes, very bad... but I didn't have 3 affairs with the same OM. Just pointing it out, not that it matters what I did.

Thanks!
Marta


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## Eli-Zor

Marta go to the marriagebuilders.com site and download the emotional needs questionairs , complete the forms and ask if your husband can do so as well, he may decline. By your words and consistent actions you may recover your marriage , this will take time and a lot of investment from you . 

No one knows if you will be successful in recovery but if you truly love your husband the effort will be worth it. If ultimately recovery fails you will be better knowing that you have done everything and should you enter a new relationship you have the tools and experience to make it an honest and loving one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian

Did he say he will file for D? Or, is he suggesting separation for now? Have you confessed fully? Does he have any doubt if your confession is 100% truthful?


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## Arnold

marta said:


> Thank you for your replies. I don't know exactly what my husband wnats. he says I destroyed everything and that things can never be the same again. When I beg him to reconcile he says we have 0.01% changes to do so. That what I did brings feelings that are no longer in our control. He tells me that he wants to move out soon, to start a new life with someone else who truly loves him... But other times he tells me he still feels tenderness for me and we had sex several times in the past two months since D-day. We looked at our old pictures and cried together....But now he's been away for 1-2 weeks and I am worried. We communicate (talk/write) every day and he told me that a girl is hitting on him and that he is attracted to her. This makes me so so worried....


Marta, what you need to realize is that, statistically, very few relationships survive infidelity. Just look at how his infidelity earlier affected the whole relationship. Yours, too.
It's like crossing the Rubicon. But, the only site where i think there is a decent success rate is that marriagebuilders one.Perhaps it is BS, but the guy running it, Harley, claims a highsuccess rate. of course, his clientele is highly motivated, both the cheater and the cheatee.


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## Ello1012

I believe the person who had the affair first in the Contracted marital relationship ( I mean by the second Marriage has been announced between partners) its the person who first cheated first in the marriages fault, My opnion!LolpeacE!Lol:!0


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## Arnold

From a strictly contractual analysis, the first cheater voided the contract, thus relieving the other partner of the obligation to remain fathful.That is unless, subsequent to the first cheating, a second K was made.


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## sadcalifornian

Arnold said:


> From a strictly contractual analysis, the first cheater voided the contract, thus relieving the other partner of the obligation to remain fathful.That is unless, subsequent to the first cheating, a second K was made.


What is K?


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## Ello1012

Arnold said:


> From a strictly contractual analysis, the first cheater voided the contract, thus relieving the other partner of the obligation to remain fathful.That is unless, subsequent to the first cheating, a second K was made.


I agree..! But!...I also believe that she wouldnt be cheating, the contract is void, so she's free to marry again?!... but I do not believe in the word/act! of infidelity and/or being unfaithful, I rather continue being a good/faithful person for the next marital partner I have God willing.klol PeacE!loL!:0


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## Arnold

K= contract. It's shorthand, used to speed exam writing etc.


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## adv

Personally, if my wife was able to cheat on me 2-3 time without me knowing, I would just think she was so good at deception that I would never trust the results of a polygraph anyway.

I don't mean to discourage your efforts, I'm just telling you how I would feel and think in a similar situation.


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## Jellybeans

do you honestly love your husband? I'm not asking that as a jab...I just wanted to know. If u truly do. I asked a few pages back and u never answered. The fact u had an affair with the same man twice sounds like u had feelings for him (the OM). Do u just want to be married cause ur used to ur husband? And cause now he's told u he's not wanting u anymore? Or is it cause u actually love him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Jellybeans said:


> do you honestly love your husband? I'm not asking that as a jab...I just wanted to know. If u truly do. I asked a few pages back and u never answered. The fact u had an affair with the same man twice sounds like u had feelings for him (the OM). Do u just want to be married cause ur used to ur husband? And cause now he's told u he's not wanting u anymore? Or is it cause u actually love him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I dont get the sense that she deeply loves her husband. Probably some other reason why she wants to stay married.


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## CH

Let him go and work on yourself to find out why you have to keep on cheating. Fix yourself and hopefully your husband will have a big enough heart to see that you really have changed for the better and give you another chance.

Aside from that, move on with your life, you screwed up and you have to live with it with or without your husband. If he kicks you to the curb, hopefully this will wake you up to not do it again.

If he takes you back, I hope you really have learned something but somehow I don't think you have.


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## sadcalifornian

There have been some harsh comments here, but the bottom line is you have inflicted the worst pain one can ever imagine to your BH. Accept the consequences along with some negative posts here. 

To seek reconciliation, you have to be patient and consistent with your action. And, most importantly, you must be 100% honest from this point on. The lost trust is the hardest thing to regain in the aftermath of A. Be remorseful and be willing to do anything to regain your worth as his wife. There may not be any guarantee, but miracles do happen when you pray and try your hardest.


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## Complexity

marta said:


> The OM is like dead for me now -- although the first reason for the affair to stop was him being a womanizer..


lol

edit: crap just found out this is a zombie thread


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