# What does a crush mean to you?



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Many years back, my husband came to me and told me that he had a crush on a woman at work. I am only bringing it up now to see if my reaction to this at the time was on par. 

What would you do if your SO came home and told you that he had a crush on a woman that he worked with for 3 months?

Would you consider this infidelity or would you consider this something minor?

TYIA!


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

anony2 said:


> Many years back, my husband came to me and told me that he had a crush on a woman at work. I am only bringing it up now to see if my reaction to this at the time was on par.
> 
> What would you do if your SO came home and told you that he had a crush on a woman that he worked with for 3 months?
> 
> ...


So lets say you go into the grocery store, or the mall... or w/e. At that store is a hunky young clerk who makes you swoon. You get the vapors. He makes you feel all tinglie. You get the point.

Over time you chat, you flirt. But that is where it ends. Yes you might think about that hunky young man on occasion, maybe even when you are alone and TCB. You might sigh wistfully when you do think of him. But that is where it ends.

So, is that infidelity?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> So lets say you go into the grocery store, or the mall... or w/e. At that store is a hunky young clerk who makes you swoon. You get the vapors. He makes you feel all tinglie. You get the point.
> 
> Over time you chat, you flirt. But that is where it ends. Yes you might think about that hunky young man on occasion, maybe even when you are alone and TCB. You might sigh wistfully when you do think of him. But that is where it ends.
> 
> So, is that infidelity?


Grade-A crap reply. :rofl: sorry, no offense. that was an epic terrible analogy.

Yeah, sure crushes are all harmless. Good luck with that perspective. LMAO.


----------



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> So lets say you go into the grocery store, or the mall... or w/e. At that store is a hunky young clerk who makes you swoon. You get the vapors. He makes you feel all tinglie. You get the point.
> 
> Over time you chat, you flirt. But that is where it ends. Yes you might think about that hunky young man on occasion, maybe even when you are alone and TCB. You might sigh wistfully when you do think of him. But that is where it ends.
> 
> So, is that infidelity?


NO it's not. It's a crush, not an EA. Crushes happen.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

So what if he/she told you that this woman/man looked just like you and the reason that he had the crush was because you were fighting all of the time?

Would that change your opinions?


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Grade-A crap reply. :rofl: sorry, no offense. that was an epic terrible analogy.
> 
> Yeah, sure crushes are all harmless. Good luck with that perspective. LMAO.


Pit with all due respect...

good luck walking thru life hanging on to things so tight you get rope burns.


----------



## Cherie (May 9, 2012)

IMO this is a crush if not EA. A crush is often someone you admire from afar that you never really get to know. EA...someone you work with that you can talk to and get to know/share with on a regular basis. If only a crush, why would he have told you? My money was on an EA, that I HOPE you nipped in the bud right then and there. I've had 'crushes' and attractions from afar...but have had EA also and there was a legitimate difference. I'm wondering why he even told you that.  What was your reaction?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A crush is someone that you admire and want to be near. It's not just a passing person who gives you the vapors. lol.

I'd be wondering wtf. Is this woman still at work? Why the crush? What was so special? I'd be thinking EA.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

anony2 said:


> So what if he/she told you that this woman/man looked just like you and the reason that he had the crush was because you were fighting all of the time?
> 
> Would that change your opinions?


No. You cant control basic human emotions. Base feelings and desires. It's gonna happen over time. 

What you can control is your boundaries with regards too them.

Has he crossed the line?

Could this be a cry for help with him in regards to something in the marriage that he is struggling with?

Do you two communicate?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have never had a crush that wasn't an EA. Before marriage, I have had crushes on friends, coworkers (not at this job. Ew.). I knew them and talked to them. I was INTERESTED in them and wanted to be close to them.

Not so innocent had they talked to me 

Why did your husband share this with you? That makes me wonder more about things too.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> No. You cant control basic human emotions. Base feelings and desires. It's gonna happen over time.
> 
> What you can control is your boundaries with regards too them.
> 
> ...


I agree with the boundaries thing  For sure. But an EA can be one sided.


----------



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

anony2 said:


> So what if he/she told you that this woman/man looked just like you and the reason that he had the crush was because you were fighting all of the time?
> 
> Would that change your opinions?


Hmmm yes it would b/c then it isn't a circumstantial thing, like a work crush normally is. The feelings came b/c of your relationship. He told you this. Maybe now it is an EA and he is nervous about it.

why is he telling you?:scratchhead:


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

anony2 said:


> Many years back, my husband came to me and told me that he had a crush on a woman at work. I am only bringing it up now to see if my reaction to this at the time was on par.
> 
> What would you do if your SO came home and told you that he had a crush on a woman that he worked with for 3 months?
> 
> ...


I see a crush as a level of an EA. We are not talking about just general attraction. Crushes are for teenagers in high school. Crushes with adults are levels of emotional attachment and should not be taken lightly. Work place affairs are the most common type of EA.

Been there. I think blowing this off as natural or nothing to worry about is being disengenuous to the OP.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

anony2 said:


> So what if he/she told you that this woman/man looked just like you and the reason that he had the crush was because you were fighting all of the time?
> 
> Would that change your opinions?


No. 

Be clear, cheaters lie. Yes, technically they are not cheating yet. But, your marraige is in a very vulnerable position. That ice is thin. The line between having a "crush" and that snowball barrelling out of control are incredibly SLIM. A blink and it can never go back.

You want a successful lifelong realtionship? Listen clearly.... ZERO TOLERANCE. ZERO. You want to hear the very first statement EVERYONE here makes... 

"I never thought"....


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Now, what if initially he/she told you that he never talked to her/him, and then a few weeks later, he/she told you that he had talked to her, but 'only' about work stuff?

Would this make you worry even more?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Trickle truth.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Trickle truth.


From the OP or the H? :scratchhead:


OP just tell your full story. It will be easier to digest and comment.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Trickle truth.


Yep, and I am giving it here just like I got it.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> From the OP or the H? :scratchhead:
> 
> 
> OP just tell your full story. It will be easier to digest and comment.


TorontoBoyWest, I am not looking for advice on this, I am wondering if my reaction to him telling me this "trickle truth" style was on par or not. This is something that I have wondered about for 5 years now because he downplayed it and acted as if I was over-reacting. 

From the other threads I have read on this forum, what he did was a pre-curser to an EA if not an EA itself.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> A crush is someone that you admire and want to be near. It's not just a passing person who gives you the vapors. lol.
> 
> I'd be wondering wtf. Is this woman still at work? Why the crush? What was so special? I'd be thinking EA.


I consider a crush to be the same as you do. 
Yes, this woman is still at his job although he says that he has not talked to her or anything. 

He said the reason was because she reminded him of me. This hurt me terribly because it was almost like he saw her as a replacement for me, I was pregnant with his child during the time he had the crush. 

I could not ask him to quit the job after he told me because we had a one year old little girl and I had just miscarried our second child. He said that this was the reason he did not tell me about it sooner, because I was in deep grief over having the miscarriage.


----------



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I see a crush as a level of an EA. We are not talking about just general attraction. Crushes are for teenagers in high school. Crushes with adults are levels of emotional attachment and should not be taken lightly. Work place affairs are the most common type of EA.
> 
> Been there. I think blowing this off as natural or nothing to worry about is being disengenuous to the OP.


I thought the same thing when he told me, how convenient that she is at his job and he was working SO many hours at the time. I agree that adults with crushes are levels of E-attachments, even if the person that he have the crush on does not reciprocate because _if she had_ he might have went for it.



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> No.
> 
> Be clear, cheaters lie. Yes, technically they are not cheating yet. But, your marraige is in a very vulnerable position. That ice is thin. The line between having a "crush" and that snowball barrelling out of control are incredibly SLIM. A blink and it can never go back.
> 
> ...


I agree. There were other warning signs at the time, he did not want full disclosure and acted as if me wanting it, was wrong and that I was being controlling. One time, I went on his email and found out that he had signed up for dating websites. He told me that he did this to get back at me. To me, this is clear signs of passive/aggressive behavior. 

We are now communicating a lot better, but I had to work on myself A LOT. 

I had no clue how to set correct boundaries and stick to them. Heck, I couldn't even set a boundary at all because when he crossed them, I would react like a crazy woman. My IC has helped me to respond instead of react.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Pit with all due respect...
> 
> good luck walking thru life hanging on to things so tight you get rope burns.


It's called Wisdom.... Your going to learn, I promise. I genuinely hope it's not the hard way. 

You didn't even bother asking what I meant, you just assumed a whole handful of things about me and my statements... None of which are even remotely close. 

I guess it's not important. 

For the record, No one is hanging onto anything too tightly. I am the least jeaolus person you will likely ever meet and far from controlling... 

When I say zero tolerance it has nothing to do with keeping your spouse hog-tied under a bed, or shadowing her/him like some pathetic puppy dog. For god's sake I'd rather gargle with a .357 than live like that.

Simple explanation: you see a weakness, you sense a void, you fix it. Immediately. Zero tolerance for weakened boundries. You protect and cherish whats yours or someone else will. 

You can motivate and effect people's behaviors 2 ways. You push or you pull. Push can only be used briefly and it involves 'forcing' action... Aside from being sick and controlling, it's also highly ineffective long term. Everything you assumed I meant by 'zero tolerance' falls under push and it's not what I meant.

PULL. You create pull by your actions and behaviors. They pull your spouse back to you by there own free will. Many blogs, books, programs, etc.. that help you to pull your spouse back in. The 180* although not intended to be creates a pull, the entire concept behind "just them them go" creates pull, the blog/book marriedmansexlife has tons upon tons of articles and advice on pulling... "alpha" males PULL... 

That is what I mean by zero tolerance. Something like this poster described is a "SERVICE ENGINE" light blinking, it's a huge ROAD OUT AHEAD sign on your life map... It is not harmless. You are lucky when you get the benefit of that sign because most people never see it.... You ignore it, or tolerate the blinking in the corner of your eye thinking its harmless.... You will regret it. That's hard earned wisdom. Ask anyone here. 

"that never thought it could happen"


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> It's called Wisdom.... Your going to learn, I promise. I genuinely hope it's not the hard way.
> 
> You didn't even bother asking what I meant, you just assumed a whole handful of things about me and my statements... None of which are even remotely close.
> 
> ...



It seems today is my day to deal with the people who view the world thru black and white lenses. Oh joy. I did not need to ask what you meant Pit. I read what you said. I got the idea. It is reading comprehension 101.

If you for one second think that what you have is WISDOM, then in all honesty I am glad you think I am stupid. I will take that as a compliment.

You cannot, I repeat CANNOT control another human beings' base emotions. Their desires... what they think is attractive. Those base emotions lead to crushes. You need to have faith in these situations. Have faith that your partner has boundaries. has a moral compass. Has integrity and character.

Having ZERO TOLERANCE in these situations? That is being a control freak. There is no way you got that from Alton. That is NOT what he is talking about. If you believe that, you have no clue what being an alpha male is all about. You are on the road to heartbreak again if this is what you believe. IMO stay single.

Stay single because you do not have the self-awareness to realize that what you are espousing is control. Is jealousy. Alton does not believe in being a control freak. It is not my way of the highway. It is not "you do what I say now, or else." It is about mutually benificial and defined roles. There is still give and take. It is about decisions and who makes them, not about rules that must be followed or GTFO.

Crushes happen. A true believer in the Tao of Alton would see that. Be understanding of that. And also be on the ball enough to realize that things might get messy if the proper boundaries are not in place. So a frank discussion would be had. Key tho being that there would be no ultimatums. No zero tolerance. That is what being an new age alpha is all about.

Like I said Pit, enjoy holding on to life so tight you get rope burns. I stand by that statement, regardless of your "explanation".


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

LOL. that was a pretty good read.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The way of dealing with a shades of gray world is to establish integrity. To do so we setup boundaries. Boundaries by their definition are meant to be firm, not ambiguos and can be considered black and white.
That is their prupose to maintain integrity.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I thought the same thing when he told me, how convenient that she is at his job and he was working SO many hours at the time. I agree that adults with crushes are levels of E-attachments, even if the person that he have the crush on does not reciprocate because _if she had_ he might have went for it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Try doing His Needs Her Needs together and do the boundary setting.

Very hard to setup boundaries in mid battle. It is like building the proverbial airplane in flight. Boundaries are discussed defined and agreed to BEFORE the challenges hit. So there are agreed upon boundaries for the couple but they are based on the boundaries we have for ourselves. Meaning if one has an absolute boundary that they not stay in an open marriage then that is a boundary that if crossed would be a deal breaker for the marriage. Just an example. That is a personal boundary. Personal boundaries have to be met when defining boundaries for the couple.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

anony2 said:


> Now, what if initially he/she told you that he never talked to her/him, and then a few weeks later, he/she told you that he had talked to her, *but 'only' about work stuff?*
> 
> Would this make you worry even more?


That's how crushes and EA develop. They go from professional/work talk to personal/intimate talk. 
So you need to keep an eye open.

I'd say crush is the beginning on an EA but not a real EA yet...but it might get there.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anony2 said:


> So what if he/she told you that this woman/man looked just like you and the reason that he had the crush was because you were fighting all of the time?
> 
> Would that change your opinions?


Hmmm... now THAT is an interesting concept. My husband's EA was with a woman who looked quite a bit like me. Was kinda weird. But, I guess I can look at it as "he was thinking of ME when he started up with her."


----------



## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

Crush to me is someone that likes someone and tries to get that person no matter what the cost is.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Hmmm... now THAT is an interesting concept. My husband's EA was with a woman who looked quite a bit like me. Was kinda weird. But, I guess I can look at it as "he was thinking of ME when he started up with her."


Yeah, at first look it sounds flattering.
But when it crosses the line it's too much.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah, at first look it sounds flattering.
> But when it crosses the line it's too much.


Oh, don't get me wrong... I was trying to put a positive-ish spin on it. It still makes me want to vomit, the whole thing.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

lovemylife26 said:


> Crush to me is someone that likes someone and tries to get that person no matter what the cost is.


no that is obsessive stalking.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

At it's base, I consider crushes to be intense, but innocent liking of a person; there's something about them that makes you want to be around them...a lot. The problem with crushes comes when you cross boundaries with that person (EA or PA). After my EA, I now kill any sort of feelings or urges that might surface for anyone that's not my wife. I still find various women attractive, but I don't linger on those thoughts like in the past. 

Now, when a spouse tells you that they have a crush on a co-worker, that, to me, reads as a red flag, if for nothing else than they are acknowleging that they are thinking about someone in a way that they should only be thinking about you. If you're getting what could be "trickle truth" about your husband's dealings with his co-worker, then I'd be on alert for finding out that there's more to it. Sounds like a slippery slope to me.


----------



## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> No. You cant control basic human emotions. Base feelings and desires. It's gonna happen over time.
> 
> What you can control is your boundaries with regards too them.
> 
> ...


 Yes and yes. You can't stop a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from building a nest in your hair. If it is a self reported crush it's first stage nest building. He obviously thinks he did cross the line because he is doing the Mia Culpa to his wife,( bless him, so many don't). If I had had such a warning I would have been very grateful. I hope she uses it to make the relationship stronger.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

This is a touchy subject. I have had crushes before. I tell my husband, I'm crushing on them. It's somebody of whom I have NO contact with. We don't/didn't Facebook, email, text... Or anything like that. 

It was this guy who worked at the public library and then this guy at Starbucks. I told him because he saw it, but other rules are no touching no being alone. No hugging. No touching hands. 

And if don't get freebies or special treatment than I stop flirting. The trick is to break the crush so to speak. I try to break creepy and unwarranted crushes. I really don't care who has a crush on me, I can't control other people. But I can control myself. 

I don't have to fall into bed with some guy just because he thinks I'm cute. I'm better than that. If I think someone is cute, I don't drink the koolaid. 

That is what people always say, oh it just happened, it's nobody's fault...bullsh!t. I am in control of my little body. Just because someone says hey you're cute, doesn't mean let's fvck. I say thank you, tell him I'm married, I don't think my husband would like me dating. 

Crushes at work, whole nother beast. I can't speak for that...other than find a new job, but I don't work, so I can't speak on that. Men always like me, I'm funny, honest, I have a great laugh, I'm genuine about myself, and I have no problem dropping the f-bomb. 

I don't accept phone numbers, and I don't take any--unless they are really scary, and I'm alone at the bus stop, and they don't take "NO" for an answer. 

I always tell my husband about everything. I'm not on the hunt. I keep it real. Also, I tend to stay away my crush. Common sense.


----------

