# friendship question



## katies (May 19, 2015)

I'm having this conversation with my daughters about friends and those who think they can say anything to us we're thinking of dropping as friends.
I had my 50th birthday this summer. My sister and her family, from Seattle no less, joined us for the surprise party where we live in the midwest. So did my friends. Two of my friends took me aside and said, "that's your sister?" One of the husband's said, "you sure got the looks of the family." Sister is morbidly obese. I am very fit. She is younger than me but both friends said she looks older. I was shocked that they said this. I would never say something like this. Was it a backhanded compliment to me? Do they not think I know the differences between us? I am kicking myself for not saying something like, "what a rude thing to say." 
Or, am I being overly sensitive? 
One of these same friends, when she saw our family Christmas picture said "DD is not going to like it, she looks heavy." I said she doesn't care. Are we that good of friends in that they think they can say whatever they're thinking? Or simply rude?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Overly sensitive.

Its typically always better to aurround yourself with people that speak the truth....even when its not what you want to hear


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Those are mean spirited comments. I'd have let 1 go, but then the next time it happens, speak up.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> Overly sensitive.
> 
> Its typically always better to aurround yourself with people that speak the truth....even when its not what you want to hear


Yes I have a sister in law that prides herself in being 'honest' as she spends Christmas alone yet again because everyone got tired of walking on eggshells around her and simultaneously rebuffing her brutal 'honesty'. 

Honesty is a wonderful thing until cruel agendas engulf the ego - then you are just a *****.


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## josephddiazz (Sep 20, 2016)

These comments strike me as rude and insensitive. I also think that your feeing guilty about not speaking up is a blessing in disguise. Now you will be more prepared for these sorts of comments in the future.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

peacem said:


> Yes I have a sister in law that prides herself in being 'honest' as she spends Christmas alone yet again because everyone got tired of walking on eggshells around her and simultaneously rebuffing her brutal 'honesty'.
> 
> Honesty is a wonderful thing until cruel agendas engulf the ego - then you are just a *****.


Yeah, i get that...its really an "all things being equal" type deal. Sometimes people are just ****s and hide behind "Honesty". Totally not talking about those good folks


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

My old best friend from high school once said to me (with slight disgust) that I deserved better after meeting my then bf. He was older and not as fit as guys our age but he treated me infinitely better than any one of them could. I knew she had some vanity issues but that's just too shallow for me. I dropped her like a hot potato. There's no place for that kind of negativity in my life.

I pride myself on being honest and I'm certainly known for it within my circle but there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. I think you should trust your conscience.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

They sound like mean, judgmental people. Are they always like that, or just like that about overweight people?

I would consider slowly and quietly phasing them out... who has time for the negative energy?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> They sound like mean, judgmental people. Are they always like that, or just like that about overweight people?
> 
> I would consider slowly and quietly phasing them out... who has time for the negative energy?


No, they're not always like that. That's why my surprise and inability to find an answer to what they said.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Rude and insensitive. I am gobsmacked that these comments were made to you. Very offensive. 

My boss is very heavy. he used to be even heavier. He has done some really hard work to lose a large amount of weight. Sure, he still has a lot to lose, but he has come so far. Not too long ago, a co-worker came up to me and we were talking about things in general. Then he said, has your boss gained weight? Is he diabetic? I looked at him like he grew two heads and I said how would I know? We don't discuss personal things like that. What I should have said was, I don't understand how you think that is an OK question to ask me. That is rude and offensive. Don't ever comment on someone's personal appearance to me again. I think, like you, the comment took me by surprise.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Some people forget that they need to retain their manners around friends and family as well as strangers. Yes, it was a back-handed compliment to you. A simple "I love my sister dearly" is adequate to remind them of their place.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Obese people are shocking when you come into close contact with them. They really are, especially when you aren't given a warning and the only person you know related to them is fit. It was probably just shock. I think it has absolutely nothing to do with you or even her, she's just a big woman and big things get noticed. As long as they don't go on and on about her I don't think I'd lump them as judgmental all around. Judgmental at that moment, yes, but fat people are conversation starters the same way attractive or ugly or really anything in extreme is.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Obese people are shocking when you come into close contact with them. They really are, especially when you aren't given a warning and the only person you know related to them is fit. It was probably just shock. I think it has absolutely nothing to do with you or even her, she's just a big woman and big things get noticed. As long as they don't go on and on about her I don't think I'd lump them as judgmental all around. Judgmental at that moment, yes, but fat people are conversation starters the same way attractive or ugly or really anything in extreme is.


Words fail me. 

Keep in mind that no one is perfect and that if everyone's flaws were visible on the outside, most of the world's population would be fodder for judgmental people. 

Think about your own flaws before criticizing someone else's. 

The OP's friend was rude. 

Honesty occurs when you tell someone something they NEED to hear even though its painful.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Words fail me.
> 
> Keep in mind that no one is perfect and that if everyone's flaws were visible on the outside, most of the world's population would be fodder for judgmental people.
> 
> ...


Yes, her friend was very rude. In THAT specific situation. Who knows if that rudeness was a result of shock or she's just an overall judgmental person. It would be hypocritcal to label her judgmental for labeling someone else fat when you don't know anything about her outside of that specific conversation. That's the point I was trying to make. I think the OP needs to let this all go, UNLESS this friend keeps talking about her. Then she needs to be told to STFU. We've all been judgmental in certain situations. It doesn't make us all around bad people. Just bad in that specific situation.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Yes, her friend was very rude. In THAT specific situation. Who knows if that rudeness was a result of shock or she's just an overall judgmental person. It would be hypocritcal to label her judgmental for labeling someone else fat when you don't know anything about her outside of that specific conversation. That's the point I was trying to make. I think the OP needs to let this all go, UNLESS this friend keeps talking about her. Then she needs to be told to STFU. We've all been judgmental in certain situations. It doesn't make us all around bad people. Just bad in that specific situation.


This wasn't a surprise to both these people. They saw my sister at my daughter's wedding. I think one said she's gained even more weight since then, which was 5 years ago.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

katies said:


> This wasn't a surprise to both these people. They saw my sister at my daughter's wedding. I think one said she's gained even more weight since then, which was 5 years ago.


Well clearly she has a prejudice against overweight people. Such a shame. I bet her world is very small.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Some people just love negative gossip, behind your back they probably say things like "Katie's so skinny' or "she's obsessed with working out, she must be unhappy" 

Sadly you just can't trust that type of person, they find joy in degrading others, you know...because they're usually so perfect. I'm not sure you need to end the friendship but I would lay into them if they ever bad mouth your sister again.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

My question is, when people say that to me about my daughter or my sister: What do they want ME to do about it? What is the point even, of mentioning it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Anyone can be honest. Good friends are tactful. Anyone cannot be good friends.

Some people have class, other people have azz. And that is "from whence" they speak.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

UnicornCupcake said:


> Obese people are shocking when you come into close contact with them. They really are ... snip ... fat people are conversation starters the same way attractive or ugly or really anything in extreme is.


UFB


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would simply remind them that such a comment is not necessary, and do it in a meaningful way...

"Trust me, it is so much easier to befriend kindness than criticism"... be sure to say it with a smile, then remove yourself for a few minutes and let it go.

They'll figure it out and probably apologize, to which a reminder that if they mean the apology, they'll not be critical like that again.

If it happens again, repeat it again and move on... bet it doesn't happen more than twice. :smile2:


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

katies said:


> My question is, when people say that to me about my daughter or my sister: What do they want ME to do about it? What is the point even, of mentioning it.



The response they are hoping for is more negativity, they want you to dish out more gossip so they can fuel their mean spirited agendas. They want you to jump on their wagon and be united in their bigotry. 

You need to let them know their comments hurt you, tell them exactly that..."Wow, it hurts me that you would say something so terrible about someone I love"


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

katies said:


> ...I had my 50th birthday this summer. My sister and her family, from Seattle no less, joined us for the surprise party where we live in the midwest. So did my friends. Two of my friends took me aside and said, "that's your sister?" One of the husband's said, "you sure got the looks of the family."
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


I don't think you're being overly sensitive whatsoever. It was a rude, insensitive, and inappropriate remark. I also believe your reply above would have been acceptable. 

I think making direct eye contact and simply saying "wow" says it all too. Let their words hang in the air. Then in a polite collected manner excuse yourself to the other room. And be your same gracious person for the remainder of the evening.


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

OP

It's your sister and your daughter. If you were to choose to openly critisise them to your friends then of course they might join in with such criticism. 

But as you haven't, imo your friends have no right to instigate such criticism. If it happens again I would cut them off mid sentence and say "no one criticises my family, but my family" and pointedly change the subject or walk away.

A few questions. In general, do these friends take joy in judging and critising people over their looks? How would you have felt if they had said this about someone else at the gathering who was not related to you. In general would they have expected you to join in/have you joined in in the past?

I'm just trying to get a handle on why they thought they were okay to pass these unsolicited comments. If they were my friends I'd be wondering what they say about me behind my back?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

These friends don't often make fun of people. One is a health care professional. She mentioned it to me again this weekend after I told her sister was going to have gastric bypass. 
I'm pretty sure one talks behind my back about the decisions I've made in my marriage. She's mentioned things to me a couple times and I have said I don't agree. She keeps her mouth shut.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> I'm having this conversation with my daughters about friends and those who think they can say anything to us we're thinking of dropping as friends.
> I had my 50th birthday this summer. My sister and her family, from Seattle no less, joined us for the surprise party where we live in the midwest. So did my friends. Two of my friends took me aside and said, "that's your sister?" One of the husband's said, "you sure got the looks of the family." Sister is morbidly obese. I am very fit. She is younger than me but both friends said she looks older. I was shocked that they said this. I would never say something like this. Was it a backhanded compliment to me? Do they not think I know the differences between us? I am kicking myself for not saying something like, "what a rude thing to say."
> Or, am I being overly sensitive?
> One of these same friends, when she saw our family Christmas picture said "DD is not going to like it, she looks heavy." I said she doesn't care. Are we that good of friends in that they think they can say whatever they're thinking? Or simply rude?


Instead of cutting them off forever, why didn't just tell them that it was rude? "Don't talk about my sister like that!" I find that if you live your life authentically, meaning don't hide it if someone says something hurtful to you, then you don't have to cut people off. They get the message and maybe learn something. Your way of going about it is really passive agressive.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Instead of cutting them off forever, why didn't just tell them that it was rude? "Don't talk about my sister like that!" I find that if you live your life authentically, meaning don't hide it if someone says something hurtful to you, then you don't have to cut people off. They get the message and maybe learn something. Your way of going about it is really passive agressive.



You can certainly cut them off if after multiple instances of this behavior followed by your remonstrations each time they still don't change. On the other hand they may actually learn that they are out of line and change their ways. 

Bottom line is you shouldn't be with them if they constantly disappoint.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Instead of cutting them off forever, why didn't just tell them that it was rude? "Don't talk about my sister like that!" I find that if you live your life authentically, meaning don't hide it if someone says something hurtful to you, then you don't have to cut people off. They get the message and maybe learn something. Your way of going about it is really passive agressive.


I'm not being PA, I'm simply not engaging at all.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

katies said:


> I'm not being PA, I'm simply not engaging at all.


Hmm... refusing to engage without giving the other person a reason why is a little PA.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> Hmm... refusing to engage without giving the other person a reason why is a little PA.


I'm sure the other person has no idea.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> I'm not being PA, I'm simply not engaging at all.


I'm just saying if you, you know, talk to them about it, they may understand and apologize and maybe watch what they say next time. Or they may tell you to F off, but I believe when you are friends with someone that gives you the right to say, hey I don't like what you did to me. Then you can assess at that point. 

Plus it is a better way to live, then you don't feel so outraged because you don't feel powerless to address things that bother you. Fear of confrontation is not a good way to live life, it just leaves you pissed off all the time. No one says you need to mean about it. Just call them out.


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

Totally avoiding being passive aggressive can be very difficult at times. 

At work a couple of times people i had formerly liked and respected made underhandely racist comments and because I didn't have the words to challenge them at the time, or the courage to challenge them down the line, I let the comments go. *I'm not proud of this. 
*
However, from that point on I was never friendly with them again - businesslike but NOT friendly. They noticed my being distant and eventually asked what was wrong. I never explained (of course they had forgotten their throwaway racism by that time). I just didn't want to engage and I no longer wanted their friendship. Since I wasn't their friend I never again had to hear them making such comments for the duration of the time I worked at that employment. i don't like passive agression in people but at times I am that way if I'm honest.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

They just sound like negative people who are gossips. Putting others down makes them feel better about themselves. To talk about your sister is just terrible, but then to turn around and tell you your daughter looks heavy in a picture brings it to another level. Certainly not people I would want to associate with. Middle aged "Mean Girls".


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