# If my heart has hardened..How do I heal it ?



## catch22gofigure

I think i've found something else i'd like to change about me. I think I have a somewhat hardened heart. I don't want it that way and I think it's troubling my R progresses. Any good reads or info about this matter ?


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## This is me

The only clear thing that comes to mind is prayer and faith.

I fall in and out of being a faithful prayerful person, but when I reflect on my life, I think I am the kindest warmest and have the most empathy for others is when I spend time on my knees thinking through everyone in my life and giving them a few seconds of thoughtful prayer. Friends, family and those who I have the hardest times with.


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## catch22gofigure

This is me said:


> The only clear thing that comes to mind is prayer and faith.
> 
> I fall in and out of being a faithful prayerful person, but when I reflect on my life, I think I am the kindest warmest and have the most empathy for others is when I spend time on my knees thinking through everyone in my life and giving them a few seconds of thoughtful prayer. Friends, family and those who I have the hardest times with.


Thanks for the advice. Though I love my H dearly, I am finding out that I have somehow put a wedge between us. Not taking the blame for his leaving. Just searching myself in an effort to better myself. I've been cold, callous, and very mean at times with him. I don't like that in myself. I wasn't always this way. I feel that maybe after all that ive endured from him and others that I am not truly forgiving them. So as of today I am working in this in me.


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## KimatraAKM

catch22gofigure said:


> Thanks for the advice. Though I love my H dearly, I am finding out that I have somehow put a wedge between us. Not taking the blame for his leaving. Just searching myself in an effort to better myself. I've been cold, callous, and very mean at times with him. I don't like that in myself. I wasn't always this way. I feel that maybe after all that ive endured from him and others that I am not truly forgiving them. So as of today I am working in this in me.


Go see a IC about it. When my husband had an EA I had to go see one because I was afraid I'd hardened my heart too much to give him a second chance. 

You need to try and not dwell on whatever hardened your heart in the first place. You have to recognize that you owe it to yourself to give it another chance. If you don't give it 100% you might as well just end it now. 

If you don't forgive 100% you might end up where I am someday... do your best to move on and give it a chance.


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## totallyunexpected

Catch,

I'm in the same sort of situation - my bitterness is consuming me and derailing reconciliation. Multiple ddays and false promises and my heart built up layers of armor to protect itself. I'm very much struggling to open my heart. It's not just a simple decision imo. I believe it's a process though we can shorten or lengthen it to some degree by our attitudes. My petsonality has changed in many ways. I'm not angry with my wh and he is doing all that he can. But i am stuck in a major depression and honestly have lost all enjoyment in things. I cannot imagine any future in which i will be happy. I wish God would open my heart and help me transcend this bitterness. I'm pushing my wh into his own depression but i can't even help myself. I'd love to hear from people who have gone through this and who can reassure us that this is a "stage" in the procesd. Bedt of luck to you my dear. Everyone dealing with betrayal needs it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat

We went to Retrouvaille when we were separated, it's Christian MC weekends, where couples present their own stories. Most of the troubles were from infidelity, some from drug and alcohol abuse. These couples have moved on, they talk and write down their feelings and seem to be very happy. Why can't I be one of them? 

I sometimes think that I was the wrong person for this to happen to, I dwell on things, have since I was a kid, and am very sensitive. HE seems very happy and chipper and want the 'past to be in the past'. I hate it when he's happy, it sounds petty and mean, but I'm stuck with all these g.d. triggers and he sails along telling about the trips we are going to take and how great it's all going to be. I do appreciate how hard he tries, but he has to Tell me in detail everything he does for me and the house and I thank him all the time but still feel no affection deep down for him. A little voice says, IF he loved you like he says he does he could not have lied to you for 3 years and proposed to OW and treated so mean throughout.

Any show on tv on infidelity bums me out. So do 'Sandals' commercials, because I saw the emails between him and OW and that was to be their honeymoon destination. 
And so many people say that if THEIR spouse ever cheated on them they would 'kick them to the curb', which makes me feel like a total loser for sticking with him. Ever see those Jerry Springer type shows? When the BS says they are kicking the WS out, the audience cheers wildly. When the BS says they are giving the marriage another try no one cheers at that. 

That sort of stuff makes me sad. 

How not to feel like a loser and a wimp and a pushover is my dilemma.


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## catch22gofigure

I've heard about the Retrouville. I don't think my H would be receptive to going. I actually have started IC to dig out some of the things thar may have sent me down the path of a hard heart. Hopefully, this will get me going in the right direction.


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## indiecat

Once we've been burned badly enough our self preservation instincts kick in. 
It's like the old saying 'fool me once you've bad, fool me twice then it's partly my fault'. Maybe our 'hard hearts' is just a human reaction to being betrayed.


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## catch22gofigure

indiecat said:


> Once we've been burned badly enough our self preservation instincts kick in.
> It's like the old saying 'fool me once you've bad, fool me twice then it's partly my fault'. Maybe our 'hard hearts' is just a human reaction to being betrayed.


that may very well be the case...


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## indiecat

I think we are just having a normal reaction and need to stop beating ourselves up about it!


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## Amplexor

I am the reverse here. My wife was the WS but after the affair was over, found herself in the same boat as some here. She had built an emotional barrier between us. To bring it down took a lot of time and patience. It literally took years to remove. There were several steps involved.

Forgiveness The first step is to forgive. While I don't condone my wife's involvement in her EA I did understand how she got there and my own hand in letting the marriage get to a point where we both disconnected from it. With empathy I was able to forgive and not dwell on it. She had to do the same.

Mutual Trust We both needed to rebuild trust. Me in trusting that the EA was over and her trust in me that I would not revert back to the behaviors of the past that damaged the marriage. As stated above "fool me once". This was probably the biggest obstacle for her to overcome.

The 5 Love Languages You both need to read it.

Quality Time Spend time as a couple and family. During our R we spent more time together on a daily basis then we had in years.

Normalization We made sure we did not waste time and emotional energy in rehashing old business. If something new came up we discussed, otherwise we left it in the past.

Physical Intimacy Rekindle with the simple things. Kiss and hug daily. My wife and I still do this several times a day. Hold hands, sit close to each other, playful pats on the rump...

Sexual Intimacy After D-Day the marriage went sexless for 2 years. In the beginning that was probably fine however had I known the power of emotional bonding through sex I would have pushed this issue much earlier. Once we did restart it had a marked impact on her bringing down the wall. It had a cascading effect on her and within a few months I heard those words, I'd not heard in years. "I love you!"

Reconciliation was one of the most challenging journeys of my life but was also the most rewarding. Good luck.


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## dusty4

catch22gofigure said:


> I think i've found something else i'd like to change about me. I think I have a somewhat hardened heart. I don't want it that way and I think it's troubling my R progresses. Any good reads or info about this matter ?


IMO, nothing wrong with having a hardened heart. Makes it more difficult for a knife to penetrate.

Seriously, don't think you need to drop your guard or soften your heart. Keep it that way.
If your heart is to soften, let it happen naturally. Keep your guard up and IMO that will help you weed out the undesirables and hopefully find someone that will melt that heart, someone that deserves it.


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## allwillbewell

Just found this post and am coming into it late but must reply anyway. I feel so many similar emotions that a number of the posters express. 

I am facing the 2nd anniversary of DDay #1 in a couple of days and am trying to realistically deal with the emotions and depression it triggers. I believe I still feel a lot of anger and resentment over the infidelities my husband had over our 34 year marriage and feel guilty and frustrated that I haven't been able to move on. What does it mean, how does it feel to forgive when the cheating added up to over 7 years of our marriage?! What am I forgiving? Its not like it was a ONS! or even a few months of sex...

I have tried to put it behind me and start anew and in the two years since DD we have had quite a bit of success in reconciliation, where I felt and thought he did too, that we were healing and falling back in love, but there have been some serious setbacks too: a number of off and on texts and phone calls between WH and AP#2 with "didn't mean anything" BS explanations when I discovered them. A 2nd DDay a few months ago when AP#2 informed me H had affair 20 years ago I never knew about. I look at the man who I thought I knew and realize I no nothing about him and wonder if I knew what I know now would I have married him in the first place? What kind of person does this level of deceit? 

To top it off, he refuses to talk about it anymore...says he has come to terms with what he did, feels he has expressed enough regret and remorse, apologized enough, feels it is raking up the past, that he loves me, has changed his ways and that he has moved on and I should too. Well, I would love to but what do I do with the hurt, resentment, feeling used, anger that is still bouncing around in my heart. WHY WON'T THAT GO AWAY? I have worked so hard not to dwell on the past, to change my ways, give him what he needs in a marriage...What a fool I have been, how stupid to be a romantic, believing marriage was for keeps, for better or worse, that I could possibly be eternally beloved of just one other person in this world...

Even if, miraculously, our marriage could become perfect overnight, everything I ever dreamed of sharing with a man, would it outweigh the betrayal and deceit of 20 years hiding one affair and then moving into a second of 6 years duration 13 years later? So I look at the man I desperately loved enough to give a second and third and fourth and fifth chance to, the man I am probably over emotionally dependent on and feel the pieces of the my broken heart harden. I know that the past and future are fantasies that no longer exist and that I should dwell in the NOW, enjoy the day we have, make new memories, build a new love and life and all that other endless blather but I am getting so tired of dealing with it by myself. I am losing hope ....

Can anyone help with advice or reassurance on how to soften my heart and feel compassion and love and devotion again? And please, if all you can say is "kick him to the curb", divorce the POS or some other such negativity, don't bother cause its not going to happen for so many reasons I won't go into now. HOWEVER, if I ever found out he has reestablished contact with exAP or cheated again, he is out no matter what...I swear to God with a vow I hold as sacred as I did my marriage vow.

I am going to post this same entry in the infidelity forum as I feel I am still dealing with a lot of issues discussed there...


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## jupiter13

I'm facing second year since D Day on 9/1/13 and I still cry every day. My heart has hardened and one of the simple reasons I discovered is that I have lost respect for my WH. I have also figured out that this has been something that was the first step to the end in previous relationships. I don't know how to regain the respect. 
I know that some of the issues are from my own background but at the same time if he was putting in more time and effort toward the relationship I might gain some. When I have to remind him he has a book to read it feels like I am forcing him to participate. It took over a month for him to pick up the book "his needs her needs" a very easy read. Started it June 12, read 1 chapter, then on June 30th what 18 days later he manages to read 4 pages. Then to top it off he wants recognition, a pat on the back for it. Oh yes he has moved on it's in the past "It didn't mean anything to him." He hates them now? Excuse me, that person meant enough to you at one point that your marriage didn't. She is not hurting at all, he's moved on with life and making plans for us while I'm still sitting here as the only one that got hurt, emotionally destroyed, and a list of all the things I have now lost. What is suppose to replace all this? How do you replace the promises of our marriage vows? What is going to replace my dreams? What is going to replace all the time and hatred he showed me? At the moment he has been buying me stuff, expensive stuff as if he can buy my love or make up for it that way. All that is doing is making me feel cheap as the ***** he can just pay off. (gee, you wonder what has happened to my self-respect and worth, with this kind of payoff I can see just how much I am worth to him.) He certainly hasn't lost anything he was not willing to give up. So it's no skin off his knees but now I have to forgive and open my heart for him to do it again. That is hard to swallow, the wall is up around my heart, if I can't trust him then I can't give him the 100% trust or love that I am suppose to to make the marriage work. U can move through life with my heart guarded he will never get 100% again no one will.


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