# Not allowed to wish mum happy birthday alone



## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

Girlfriend and I are in our 30s. Have been together for around 6 years. Live together for about 3 years.

Strange situation today. I said to my girlfriend that it would be nice if we could phone my mum together when I get home from work and sing happy birthday. My girlfriend was cool about that.

I didn't realise that my girlfriend took that to mean I would wait the whole day to call my mum and wish happy birthday. For me, I always phone my mum early in the morning shortly after she has woken up. Which I did, this morning. If I had known that my girlfriend would take such offence I would have done things very differently, making it clear that I'll call my mum in the morning and later call together with my girlfriend. It was too early to call together when I left for work due to the time difference as my mum lives in another country.

When I mentioned to my girlfriend that I phoned my mum to wish her happy birthday she was really upset and angry saying "but we had an agreement to do that later!".

I said to my girlfriend that we are going to call her later and sing happy birthday and that my mum will like that. I just don't see the problem in calling my mum from work this morning and later calling together with my girlfriend.

My girlfriend is so mad right now. Things are not like that with her family. They make calls together and wait. I've stayed calm and tried to explain diplomatically but she's going crazy!!!! She is filled with so much anger right now. :-(

What do you think? I am such an horrible person?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

No. It's your mum. If you want to call her at 4:30 am, then do so. Next time explain that you will call early and then, together you will call later. Maybe, she misunderstood your intention.

But for her to become so angry is immature and over blown. You family is your family, you don't have to do things the way her family does things. Everybody has their own traditions and ways of doing things, it doesn't have to be one set way. If you become married, then, you create your own traditions. Not clingingly to her families or yours. 

Don't start off on the wrong foot and get led around. Let her know you will both call later on, to sing to mum. If she is too angry then, do it your self.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Of course you're not a horrible person.

Sounds like she needs to take a chill pill.

I can see where there might have been a miscommunication though. In her mind, you would both do it together tonight because you didn't communicate CLEARLY that you would also be calling your mom this morning, as you always do.

Poor communication is probably the number one reason couples split. So make sure that you communicate your thoughts and actions clearly. You don't have to agree about the "correct" way to do it -- her family handles these things differently than yours -- but you do need to make sure that your intentions are clear and that she knows what your plans are.

Having said that, she seems a bit over-the-top with all this anger over a simple birthday greeting.

Are you sure she's the right one for you?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Tell her to grow up...she is just being immature. you really can't fix stupid


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

6 years! You have been together 6 years and this is the first time you have noticed her over react to something trivial? Honestly? If this is really the first time then you owe no apology other than sorry for the misunderstanding, you don't apologize for keeping your tradition ever. But my guess is this isn't the first time irrational has shown its head with her.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Get your mum a present, and your girlfriend some lipstick.

So she can kiss your a$$!

OTOH, You've been together for 6 years and 'rituals' like that aren't known to each other? How each other deal with family occasions? 

Something a little lacking there. Communication perhaps?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

And speaking of rituals, almost forgot to include the TAM traditional standard response:


"She's probably banging someone else"


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> But my guess is this isn't the first time irrational has shown its head with her.





DayOne said:


> OTOH, You've been together for 6 years and 'rituals' like that aren't known to each other? How each other deal with family occasions? Something a little lacking there. Communication perhaps?


 @Wolf1974, @DayOne:

I knew something was ringing an alarm bell in my head when I read OP's post, but couldn't quite put my finger on it. Then, I remembered OP is the one whose girlfriend makes him sleep on the sun porch so her 13 year old son can have the "nice" bedroom.

OP... Time to toss this one back! She is flaky...

modernknight's thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/263218-finding-apartment.html


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

hehe. yes. that's me. Although... not sun porch. It's got a nice double bed in there, some drawers, and curtains. It's just that it's "supposed to be" a winter garden rather than an actual official bedroom. 

As you have deduced this is not the first time she has been irrational. I didn't want to taint this thread bias by making that kind of statement about other issues. Yes... she can be quite irrational about other issues too.

And previous years... Well... the first 3 we were not living together and so I guess we didn't communicate over the protocol. Last year, we were on holiday so called together in the morning. Previous 2 years I'm not sure but since I never made a big deal about the protocol and neither did she I guess that a) there wasn't a problem previously b) by luck we didn't encounter this issue.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

modernknight said:


> As you have deduced this is not the first time she has been irrational. *I didn't want to taint this thread bias by making that kind of statement about other issues.* Yes... she can be quite irrational about other issues too.


It's hard to give meaningful advice when one doesn't know the whole "back story." Thank goodness I have the memory of an elephant.

:lol:


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> It's hard to give meaningful advice when one doesn't know the whole "back story." Thank goodness I have the memory of an elephant.
> 
> :lol:


And somewhere there's an elephant stumbling around muttering "Where the hell are my keys?" while all the other elephants are laughing at it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> And somewhere there's an elephant stumbling around muttering "Where the hell are my keys?" while all the other elephants are laughing at it.


Also, somewhere there may be an elephant stepping on and crushing *a clam* like a bug...

:lol:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think the op has a kind of passive aggressive flair for the dramatic. She was upset because he basically stole her/there thunder. They were supposed to do it together but he went ahead and did it first making the second call (which would be redundant) meaningless. Then when she gets upset he comes on here and posts dramatically that he's not 'allowed' to wish his mother a happy birthday.  allowed? Does she hand cuff you?


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

@WorkingOnMe: I called my mum because I think it's nice to call my Mum on the morning of her birthday. For her, it's a lovely thing to wake up to. Also, since I've always done this, I didn't want her wondering if I've forgotten now that I'm all the way away in another country living another life. I know it's not easy on her that I'm away. 

I also thought it would be nice to phone on the evening with my girlfriend and sing happy birthday to keep the magic of the day going. And include my girlfriend. 

All my actions are done to make other people happy. Not to garner attention or have an excuse to be dramatic on this board.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

So, OP...

When are you going to realize this GF is not the right one for you?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Imagine I ask my wife out to the new steakhouse in town for Friday. Then I stop there Thursday after work alone. That would be passive aggressive. Then imagine I come on tam and post that I'm not allowed to go to restaurants alone after my actions upset my wife. Yeah, I stand by my assessment. You undermined your girlfriend and then tried to get attention by making her out to be the bad guy.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Back story aside.....

Maybe your wife wanted to call your mom also and wish her a happy birthday but held off due to your call later plan. Now she feels you one upped her and thinks it makes her look bad in your mothers eyes.

Or she's a control freak and (gasp) you deviated from the plan.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

modernknight said:


> What do you think?


I think your girlfriend is psychotic. Get out now, before you come home one day and find your pet rabbit in the crock-pot on the stove.


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Imagine I ask my wife out to the new steakhouse in town for Friday. Then I stop there Thursday after work alone. That would be passive aggressive. Then imagine I come on tam and post that I'm not allowed to go to restaurants alone after my actions upset my wife. Yeah, I stand by my assessment. You undermined your girlfriend and then tried to get attention by making her out to be the bad guy.


Depending on the context and accepted protocols in your relationship that could be interpreted as rude and disrespectful. But Passive-Aggressive? Are you sure? Perhaps I've misunderstood the definition. Having read the DSM definition of passive-aggressive I fail to see how you can leap to such a conclusion. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) revision IV describes passive-aggressive personality disorder as a "pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in social and occupational situations". Is the restaurant incident an isolated case or a series forming a pattern? Is your motive for stopping at said restaurant spiteful or satisfying the human need of hunger?

In my case, I assure you, my motive for calling my mother on the morning was not born out of passive resistence to demands from my girlfriend or indirectly expressed hostility toward my girlfriend.


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

Cooper said:


> Back story aside.....
> 
> Maybe your wife wanted to call your mom also and wish her a happy birthday but held off due to your call later plan. Now she feels you one upped her and thinks it makes her look bad in your mothers eyes.
> 
> Or she's a control freak and (gasp) you deviated from the plan.


Yes, she definitely was happy to think about calling my mum together. She likes this idea of me and her being together and doing these kind of things together. That's where I feel bad because if there's one thing I know I could have done to improve the situation it would have been to say something like: "I would love that we call together to wish my mum a happy birthday when we're home from work. She'd like that. I'll still call her from work in the morning though because I don't like the idea of leaving her waiting until 1930 in the evening to hear a happy birthday from me".

That's the point. If I had called with my girlfriend on the evening it would have been 1930 as I don't get back from work until around 1800 and my girlfriend until around 1930. I know my mum finds it hard that I do not live in the same country as her. I know how special it is to receive a call on a morning to hear a happy birthday. I did not want to leave it until the day is drawing to a close at 1930! 

We could not phone in the morning because of the time difference and early wake up for work. I could have compromised and gone into work late but that would mean staying at home until 1030 to call meaning I wouldn't get to work until 1130! Such a compromise puts my work at risk (I have to be in on time).


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## modernknight (Apr 24, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> So, OP...
> 
> When are you going to realize this GF is not the right one for you?


I'm not sure. If she isn't the one for me, I hope it's soon. That's why I write on TAM about the things that are happening. I hope that this gives me the strength to figure out what I'm going to do. I know... that sounds incredibly weak. I question how I can love someone who behaves like this (last night, there was a whole load more crazy making and nasty words because I called my mum). I usually defend her at some point and say that there are lots of lovely things in the relationship. There are. But I'm wondering if they are worth it for this kind of situation. I'm not sure they are. 

I'm tired. Tired of fighting. I'm tempted to grab all my stuff, throw it in the car and find a hotel, then an apartment, then a new life for myself. I've done it before. But I know there must be something wrong with me because when I start to think about it I start to feel emotional about her and think how much I'll miss her and the nice moments we have. I read about abused people who stay in abusive relationships. Maybe there is something of that in this. She'll get better. I can change/adapt/stand-strong to make things better. So on. And on. I need help. I know I do. TAM is a start. But I know I have to make an appointment with a doctor and get some help.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

modernknight said:


> Yes, she definitely was happy to think about calling my mum together. She likes this idea of me and her being together and doing these kind of things together. That's where I feel bad because if there's one thing I know I could have done to improve the situation it would have been to say something like: "I would love that we call together to wish my mum a happy birthday when we're home from work. She'd like that. I'll still call her from work in the morning though because I don't like the idea of leaving her waiting until 1930 in the evening to hear a happy birthday from me".


I think you were right to phone your mother in the morning (these sort of gestures can mean a lot to parents), but I also get why your GF felt a little miffed when you didn't stick to the original plan.

Having said that, unless you're continually deviating from plans that you make together, a simple explanation from you in this instance should have been enough, IMO, and it's time for you both to move on from this.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Why do you keep coming here to ask questions about this crazy jealous girlfriend of yours? Most of the responses have been along the lines of 'You need counselling' and 'Leave her she is clearly immature' yet you seem a sucker for punishment!
I think you just have to learn to suck it up and smile through her episodes as you don't do anything about it, nor do you give her any consequences for her terrible behavior. 
You repeat yourself so often, and ask advice constantly yet don't follow through with any of the great advice you have been given on TAM. I really feel other posters are wasting their time answering you.
Good Luck spending the rest of your life doing this god awful dance with her over and over again.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

OP,

You already know what you could have done to improve the situation. You already understand that your g/f would NOT have had a problem with you calling your mom _by yourself _in the morning AND again with your g/f in the evening...

..IF, you explained all of this to your g/f in the first place!

But you also have to look at it from HER point of view. Put yourself in HER shoes. You left your g/f with the impression that the two of you would be making that call--that ONE phone call--to your mom TOGETHER. And while you had the "right" to call your mom by yourself in the morning, it's not always a good idea to exercise your "rights" in a relationship. At least, not in a HEALTHY relationship. Widsom is needed in cases such as yours. Yes, I understand your point of view; that you wanted your mom to wake up with a happy birthday phone call from you. Perfectly understandable. And you also seem to understand what you could have done differently, right? Perhaps if you approach your g/f, apologize for your lack of communication, and tell her what you _could_ have done, your g/f might soften a bit. 

Your g/f's reaction may seem over the top to you, but if you do things like this often enough, I can guarantee you that you may not be the ONLY one of the two of you to have second thoughts about this relationship...


ETA: The title of your thread is "Not ALLOWED to wish mom happy birthday alone". What has happened is FAR from your g/f not "allowing" you to do this. By saying this, you're coming across as somewhat of a 'victim'. Makes me wonder if you have a habit of exaggerating situations with a flair for drama.


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