# He wont let go



## Abbey N (Aug 1, 2014)

Ok... Let’s try this again... just typed a really loooong post and it got erased.

I’m new to this forum and I've read a few threads to get some perspective on my situation. It’s nothing unique, but still thought I would share and see if there is something I haven't thought of or read yet.

I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 3 children 11, 9 and 6. I entered this marriage knowing I wasn't "In Love”, but figured I loved him enough to make the marriage work. When I met him, he was kind, funny, a total gentleman. He is well educated and came from a good family. A devout Catholic. Intelligent and understands the issues I’m passionate about. We enjoy the same music, literature and social scene. I thought with time, I could "Fall In Love" with him.

Lo and behold...all the above qualities does not a perfect partner make. I have never been truly happy with this marriage. Yes, I have been content at times, but as our relationship progressed, instead of "falling in love", I've been drifting further away from that state.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, suffered from both mental and emotional abuse and experienced minor physical abuse (no...he as never hit me, but at one point he had shoved me during an argument which the children witnessed).

Even the children can’t escape the Mental/Emotional Abuse. There is constant yelling when he is around. The kids and I scurry whenever he comes home from work. I think it’s a sign that the marriage is over when your husband calls to tell you he will be coming home late and instead of disappointment, you share high fives with our kids to celebrate the fact that there will be at least some peace at home for that evening.

I want out, but he won’t let go. I know I’m not perfect and have carried my own share of faults. But why should I stay in a marriage where I am neither happy nor content. He wants us to go for counseling. I tell him it won’t work, but I'll give it a shot anyway. He wants us to go on a kids-free "DATE". I'll agree to that as well, but I know it won’t make a difference. I don’t love him, heck...I don’t even like him. I can’t force myself to love him...is that even possible? I can pretend all I want, but at the end of the day, I just don’t have the emotional requirement to be married to him anymore.

I’m willing to try all avenues to make this work, but I refuse to be intimate with him. I can’t make myself want to have intercourse with him... I just can’t. Is that even fair to me? Do something I don’t want or enjoy just to appease him? He even asks me if I’m seeing someone...yeah right, like I have the time and energy to do that. And besides, who would want me...its not like I’m so attractive that I have men clamoring to be with me... I look like im four months pregnant for crying out loud!

But I digress... I just want to live my life in peace and enjoy the simple things in life - like read a book before I go to bed. Be content with what life has to offer. I just want to be free from him. 

Unfortunately, I cant just up and leave. We have the three kids to consider. I don’t want their lives to be disrupted too much. I still need him to be part of their lives...he is after all still their father. I just wish that he would agree to an amiable separation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're unhappy, so you just want him to move out? And give up the home that the two of you have set up?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Are you self-supporting at this time? In other words employed outside the home and earning an income which you can support yourself on?


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## Abbey N (Aug 1, 2014)

PBear said:


> You're unhappy, so you just want him to move out? And give up the home that the two of you have set up?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. I don't want him to just move out. I want us to agree to a fair separation. Sell the house, split any assets we have. Agree to an arrangement with the children that wont upset their lives too much.

Staying together wont be healthy for both of us or the kids. It will be fine and dandy for a whle, but the same issues would come up and the yelling and fighting would start again. Its a vicious cycle. Whatever we've set up isnt a HOME anymore. 

On the outside, we look like the perfect family...seriously, we even go to church every sunday. But behind closed doors...its a whole different story. 

Should I stay and just pretend that everything is okay? Just suck it up and give in to what he wants. Make him happy and give the pretense of a HOME?


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## Abbey N (Aug 1, 2014)

Counterfit said:


> Are you self-supporting at this time? In other words employed outside the home and earning an income which you can support yourself on?


Yes. I am employed full time. Earning a decent income. I will be able to support myself and my children, but it will be tight with the finances. If I was an extremely mean person, I would be able to leave my husband and take the kids with me and live elsewhere - i have a very strong support system. But I think it would be totally unfair, and difficult on the kids if i just moved out of the house and left my husband to fend for himself. 

Such a move would jeopardize any possible friendly separation I was hoping for.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

As Chris Rock has said about married couples, "Hurry up we got a lot of not f**king to do. Hurry up we can not f**k all night.", and "That's all relationships are, they ain't that complicated. It's f**king and eating. And the longer you're with somebody, it's more eating and less f**king. You don't remember the last time you f**ked but you know you had rice and beans on Wednesday."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Abbey,
You deserve at least the opportunity to pursue happiness. And that means the marriage almost certainly needs to end. 

That said, tell him you'll give it a sincere try provided he agrees to (2) things:
- You pick the counselor AND
- You where a voice activated recorder while in his presence - because he needs to hear himself. And the counselor needs to hear how you two interact. 

And - no - you shouldn't sleep with him. You dislike him at this point. No reason to confuse him on that point. Eventually the counselor will help you convince him that HE will have a shot at happiness if you two divorce. 




Abbey N said:


> Yes. I am employed full time. Earning a decent income. I will be able to support myself and my children, but it will be tight with the finances. If I was an extremely mean person, I would be able to leave my husband and take the kids with me and live elsewhere - i have a very strong support system. But I think it would be totally unfair, and difficult on the kids if i just moved out of the house and left my husband to fend for himself.
> 
> Such a move would jeopardize any possible friendly separation I was hoping for.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Abbey N said:


> Ok... Let’s try this again... just typed a really loooong post and it got erased.
> 
> I’m new to this forum and I've read a few threads to get some perspective on my situation. It’s nothing unique, but still thought I would share and see if there is something I haven't thought of or read yet.
> 
> ...


Ok. I'm going to respond somewhat harshly to some of this because I do see similarities in your situation and many other women and men. The truth hurts all of us at first. It hurt me when I heard it, and it hurts your husband when he hears it.

First realization- of course you don't love him. Read your words.....you don't love yourself. How on earth can you expect to "love" someone when you don't love yourself. Fix that before divorce. 

Second- Your are responsible for your happiness and contentment. Yeah, I used to come home a grouch. It was hard going to work everyday, coming home knowing something wasn't right....knowing that there was resentment growing with my wife and my kids. Your "high fiving" kids is disgusting personally. If you act this way, things will never change.

Third- Counseling does help. It awoke me to finding myself again. However, it sent my ex into a tailspin. If you don't have 2 people who are committed to doing the work or committed to the marriage, it won't work. However, it could help your husband be an awesome guy moving forward if he is teachable, and it sounds like he is. Your kids need that.

Fourth- Everything within a relationship is a cycle...The things he has "done" to you. What have you "done" to him? (I can tell you the first thing......partnering with your children to celebrate him not being home...that's some serious resentment)

Fifth- If you are unwilling to do counseling 100%, do dates, and actually work on the relationship, give the man a divorce. Tell him to get into a divorce recovery group, do the IC work, and go find someone who is already happy so he can live a happy life without you. Also, do a 50/50 custody arrangement with fairness. It's not his fault he has to come home to a "wife who never loved him".

And I agree with Mem.... you pick the counselor so that there is no excuses. If he steps up and does the work he needs to do to be the man he was created to be, it will be with the counselor you chose. Then, he can look at himself in the mirror and say he did everything he could and the truth will be obvious. Believe me, it was HUGE for me to take the barrage of stuff from my ex, take a counselor of her choice, and become an awesome dad, man, worker, and partner through the process. My kids used to "high five" their mom like yours. Now they come to me as their counselor and mentor. If you do not love yourself, it will be shown out over time. If you don't fix that, you will be walking into destruction long term. It doesn't matter who you are with.

Don't have sex with him. That would just make things worse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Abbey N said:


> No. I don't want him to just move out. I want us to agree to a fair separation. Sell the house, split any assets we have. Agree to an arrangement with the children that wont upset their lives too much.
> 
> Staying together wont be healthy for both of us or the kids. It will be fine and dandy for a whle, but the same issues would come up and the yelling and fighting would start again. Its a vicious cycle. Whatever we've set up isnt a HOME anymore.
> 
> ...


No, IMHO you shouldn't stay and pretend. Life is too short for that, and we only get one pass through (depending on your religion, of course). So if neither of you is happy, and both of you aren't willing to put in 100%, then it's time to work on how to separate amicably. Or, at least as amicably as possible. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree with a lot of what Dedicated said.

Unfortunately you misled him - that was pretty unfair to him. It could be that his "abuse" is a reaction to that. No doubt he either senses or knows you don't love him and never did.

You admit you are depressed. I assume you are addressing that? I don't think you should stay and pretend you are happy BUT I don't think you should just give up, either.

Marriage counseling is a must. Address the "abuse" - by that do you mean just being loud during disagreements or constant putdowns, walking on eggshells, etc? And the high fives with the kids is very disrespectful. But again, I don't know exactly what you mean by abuse and some examples would help immensely.

In the end if you go through the motions, please do so with the intent of really working on your marriage. If you didn't fight as much and found a happy middle ground (i.e. why can't you read at bedtime?) you might teach your children that a good marriage requires commitment and work. I think you owe him that after lying to him. You two enjoy a lot of the same things so it seems like this could work but you have to let go of the resentment. 

Also because you knew he was a devout Catholic and that it mean a lifelong commitment to him. If you leave and only separate, that forces him to live out his remaining days alone, sexless and that was not his choice when he married you. It's one you are forcing on him because of his faith or else he'll have to divorce and betray his faith in order to move forward with someone else. He deserves happiness as much as you and since you are the one who married under false pretenses I think you owe him a chance to make this as good of a marriage as you can.

At least in your scenario you aren't trying to take him to the cleaners and you see his importance in the children's lives.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I don't understand. You don't need his agreement or permission to leave and file for divorce. I'm not sure what you are thinking. Child support, custody, and visitation can all be worked out and decreed in the divorce. Why do you think you have to wait for him?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Abbey N said:


> Ok... Let’s try this again... just typed a really loooong post and it got erased.


How does an entire post get erased?



Abbey N said:


> I think it’s a sign that the marriage is over when your husband calls to tell you he will be coming home late and instead of disappointment, you share high fives with our kids to celebrate the fact that there will be at least some peace at home for that evening.


I think it's a sign that mom is alienating the children when she high 5's the kids when she finds out that Dad's going to be home late.

In a divorce situation you will almost surely turn the kids against him because you think that's best for them even though you profess that they need him in their lives.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Find an attorney and file for divorce. I don't understand the complications. 

Ask your lawyer what to do if the divorce is not agreed on and he refuses to leave or negotiate.


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## Abbey N (Aug 1, 2014)

Thank you all for your input. I truly appreciate all your comments - gives me lots of food for thought.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Is there anyone else in your life you're considering.


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