# Stay or Go?



## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

Im not writing this to be judged, I just want advise and opinions.

I think I want a divorce. Ive been married for 21/2 years, been with my husband 7 years--since I was 15-- We have a beautiful child, and I do not regret my life with him, i'm just unsatisfied. Ive asked him for a divorce several times, he begs and pleads with me, and when that fails he holds out child over my head, and that is my only weakness. But at this point, if thats what he wants, then I will agree to joint custody, he is a fantastic father, and I would never take our child from him. I dont want anything from him, no money, no things--I will walk away with a suitecase, I just want out. There is kind of someone else, I have not cheated and I do not want to. This person is a child hood crush, and I want to hang out with him and get to know him--who knows where it will go. This is not my reason for divorce at all. Im always searching for something to keep me entertained, and this is what this has done. This divorce is all about me (selfish?.. maybe.) Im 22 years old, and living the life of a 40 year old. I have no fun-ever, I just want to get out there and re gain my youth. With my husband at my side this will not happen, he is almost 30, and so different from me. I should have known a long time ago.. That he was this different.

I just dont know how, or when to tell him, that I want a divorce, I thought about emailing him at work, so he will have the day to think about it, but thats mean, maybe we will watch a movie tonight and I will tell him..??? I dont know!!. 

He is going to say that he doesnt know how either one of us will make it without either ones income--he will be right-- I am willing to continue living arrangements separate sleeping arrangement until something suitable is agreed upon, is this a good idea?? 

God this is hard, I need someones help please.. [/FONT]


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

No, continuing to live there is not a good idea. It isn't fair to him.

You should move out on your own. And since you want nothing else from him, this shouldn't be a problem. I also suggest the child should stay with him. You can pay him support. That way he doesn't bare the financial burden of your immaturity.


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## CBW (Oct 23, 2009)

You'll be making a big mistake, but nothing is going to make you feel happy until you leave and see for yourself. Try separating for awhile and living on your own for 6 months. You take the baby 3 days/week and he takes the baby 3 days/wk (you alternate the 7th day).
Life is a drag with little children. I mean, it's great to be a mom and enjoy all the love, but it sucks when you want to go out and have fun like a twenty-something with no responsibilities. You can't and it's not your husband's fault.


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

I asked for no judgemet, DOBO. thanks anyway. CBW your alternation days are a good idea, Im working on things, thinking hard on things.. Im not happy, should I really stay in a loveless marriage?? We dont talk together, share no interests...seems like we just share a child.. its depressing.


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

More replies appreciated.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If I have the math right, you were 15 and he was 22 or 23 when you first got together. No wonder you are unhappy. I suspect he took advantage of your naivete. 

Don't live together; too hard. Swallow your pride and move in with parents, or a sibling, or a good friend--someone you can trust around your child. Make sure you pursue your education first and foremost. And the last thing you need is another relationship, so no matter how hard it is, promise yourself you will cut all ties with this "crush" until one, maybe 2 years out of the marriage. YOU NEED THE TIME TO FIGURE OUT YOUR LIFE, TO GET YOUR EDUCATION ON TRACK, etc. For your child's sake, 50/50 custody is good--devote yourself to your child when s/he is there, to yourself when s/he is with dad. Read, write, think, walk/exercise; have some fun but limit it to one night a week b/c you don't want to get distracted. You cannot divorce your child and trying to recapture the youth you gave to this man will be unfair to your child. Good luck.


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

Thank you Sisters!!! 
Your right I dont want to divorce my child. Thank you for that. This crush is nothing more then a friend I do not want to cut ties, he is kind of a rebound. How should I tell my husband? Help your awesomeness is incredible. I expected nothing but mean an negativity.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Starting a relationship at the end of another will never work out. 

You are not in your normal right mind of emotions.

When you come too, you will have used this new guy for his emotional support and then discard him.

Think about down the road when your child starts to ask questions, can you reply truthfully, can you stand with character and integrity and tell the child that it just didn't work out and you left.

Any child can understand that, you will always taint them and your answer if you say there was someone else.

Breakup, not so when a family comes apart.

You are so young, 15 to now you have changed from one person to another person.

Think long and hard before you leave, the hurt for everyone is going to be severe.


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

This isnt about the "other man". I want to leave because its not working out. Im not happy, havent been for a great deal of time. I have no urge, want, desire to work on it. He is not the person I met 7 years ago either. And I am certainly not the same person. People grow apart, and that is exactly what is happening here. I feel no love, I cannot honestly look at him and say "I love you", when I do say it, I get gut rot, from disgust.. this "other man" is just a friend, just a support team, he knows everything, Ive been 100% honest, and he also knows that even if I do want to, I am not running into another relationship right away. He is ok with that. So I do not think I will be tainting my child, I think its better I go now, then wait until she is 10 or 11, and in school, with friends --what is a move occurs...-- Im the first on to admit, im being as selfish as it gets, but I need that for right now, It needs to be about me, for once in my life. Ive never been my own person, I went straight from my parents, and answering to them, to him and answering to him. He really did "steal my youth"... I cant take another minute of this, More replies please guys.


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## numb (Jul 2, 2008)

SM-soconfused said:


> This isnt about the "other man". I want to leave because its not working out. Im not happy, havent been for a great deal of time. I have no urge, want, desire to work on it. He is not the person I met 7 years ago either. And I am certainly not the same person. People grow apart, and that is exactly what is happening here. I feel no love, I cannot honestly look at him and say "I love you", when I do say it, I get gut rot, from disgust.. this "other man" is just a friend, just a support team, he knows everything, Ive been 100% honest, and he also knows that even if I do want to, I am not running into another relationship right away. He is ok with that. So I do not think I will be tainting my child, I think its better I go now, then wait until she is 10 or 11, and in school, with friends --what is a move occurs...-- Im the first on to admit, im being as selfish as it gets, but I need that for right now, It needs to be about me, for once in my life. Ive never been my own person, I went straight from my parents, and answering to them, to him and answering to him. He really did "steal my youth"... I cant take another minute of this, More replies please guys.


You are too young to not be happy. If you are not happy then you cannot possibly make someone else happy. I can completley understand your situation as I am in a simlar boat. I know what I need to do just having the hardest time telling him. You need to take your baby and focus on the baby and your life with what you really want. I am 30 and been with my husband for 8 years and we have nothing together, I am bored and trust me you want to be with someone who has similar interests as you. Focus now on YOU and your child. Not saying the decision is easy as I struggle with it too but you need to make you happy.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

There is kinda someone else?

Just file for divorce then as many women would love to have a good husband, so let him loose.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

Go - he will get over it. 

One day he will realize he loves who you two used to be, not who you two have become as a couple...

Joint Custody is always best whenever possible. 

By the way, the grass is not always greener on the other side.


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## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

You were so young when you got together, and of course you are a totally different person now, not to be patronising or sound rude, but you have 'grown up'.
Maybe you were so young you got caught up in it all, but i dont think it is healthy for you or your child if you stay in a loveless marriage, your child will pick up on it.
As someone said before, share joint custody.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Can I be honest with you for a moment? So at 15 you were too young to be married. No one here would argue with you on that. Now your 22 and your thinking is that your not happy in your marriage, yet you are believing that divorcing at 22 and starting over is the right answer? It sure sounds like a pattern to me. Lets hypothetically say you divorce, go thru the turmoil (or at least put your husband thru that turmoil and heartache) and then find yourself in a relationship with this other man. (and yes you will do that, its practically textbook behavior on some of these threads). Once in that relationship, maybe you end up marrying this guy too. I would bet that in a few years, we will see a new post by you about how unhappy you are in your marriage once again. 

I guess my point is what have you done to evaluate what is wrong with your current marriage. You once loved this man but now you can't stand the presence of him. I understand that but you really need to understand a few things about love. Right now you might be having feelings for the other man and that will cloud your judgement. Love doesn't stay in the honeymoon phase or that giddy feeling you have when you first fall in love. It takes work, DAILY! It just doesn't work out like Hollywood likes to make it seem. You probably believe you know all this already and maybe you do, but now you have a child involved as well. Your decisions will not only impact you and your husband but also your child. You should really think cautiously about this. Especially if all your thinking about is how you have lost your youth. Guess what, your going to lose it anyhows....we all do. 

Let me try to help you a little bit. Step back and evaluate what is wrong with your marriage. Get past the he and I aren't right for each other or have nothing in common. Get down to exactly what is bothering you. Are you unhappy with the fact that your having to be a mother and can't go out and party it up with your friends? I guess I have to ask why not? Why can't you have a social life and still be married? Is your husband not open to going out with you? Do you just not want him to be a part of it with you? Are you embarrassed that he is so much older than you? 

Sometimes we make our problems bigger than they are and don't stop to think about what those problems really are and how we can address them. Go back and figure out what is wrong with things from your perspective. Then sit down with your husband and tell him what your not happy about and give him a chance to address them. Don't just throw in the towel because you believe at this moment that it just isn't right. Plus you haven't really said anything at all about what is wrong with him or your marriage. You have just said your not happy anymore and it seems to be completely about you. That is a big mistake in my opinion. Once your a parent it is NEVER about you. You have to accept that but it doesn't mean you can't make that life a happy one. No one can make you truly happy but you.

It sure would be a sad day if 10-20 years from now you looked back and realized that who your with now turned out to be better than everyone you had been with since and realize that you lost that. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe not.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I've got to agree with both Dobo and NEw beginnings on this one. 

One thing you will have to realize one day is that there is nothing you can do to regain your "youth" and your party days. The carefree days of not answering to anyone but yourself ended...not simply because you got married, but because you had a CHILD. Once you have a child, you no longer have the gift of being a child yourself hun. Your husband did NOT steal your youth from you, no matter what you may want to believe. Unless he kidnapped you, brainwashed you, or kept you hostage for all of these years, you were an active participant in the relationship. At your young age of 15, my guess is that you got wrapped up in the excitement of the hot older guy who was so into you. I've been in that boat, and my guess is that you pursued him as much as he pursued you. The age difference did not matter to you then, BUT it matters to you now because he has settled into the role of father and provider....he already did his partying, as he had 7 years or so of a head start on you. 
So, the grass looks greener when you see your HS friends out partying and acting like they have no responsibilities...anything a NORMAL 22 or 23 year old would be doing....but hon, you are NOT a normal 22 or 23 year old. Its not your life to live on a whim anymore. So, lets say you guys seperate...and you split custody. You're out partying with your friends, and get a call that your child is sick....doesn't matter WHERE you are WHO you are with or WHAT you are doing....MOM has to drop everything and be there for her kid. 
I'm not trying to say that if your are that miserable that you have to stay in the marriage...I was in a long term relationship with someone starting when I was 16. I grew out of him in many respects. Luckily, we never had children. All I AM saying is that ending your marriage, to who sounds like a good man, won't bring your "youth" back, and its very likely that you will continue to long for something that just...isn't...there for you anymore.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

if your husband agrees with you that the marriage needs to end then you could make a go of living short term in the same house.

i know because i successfully did it.

moving out is of course preferable.

i think you've felt the way you do for some time.

it's wise of you to recognize you've never truly been your own person.

as someone on this thread pointed out, you may marry the 'other man' and end up back here in a few years lamenting the decision to remarry, or otherwise become attached, so soon, just as so many of the stories here do indeed infold.

but there's another common story, that of a woman in early middle age lamenting she never had the chance to be on her own and has come to realize they stayed married far too long.


please don't end up either story.

get out of your marriage and start to live your life, your dream.

but stay away from the 'other guy' completely.

if you need him for support then you still aren't on your own.

and if he's like most american young men, he ain't waiting patiently just for conversation.


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> if your husband agrees with you that the marriage needs to end then you could make a go of living short term in the same house.
> 
> i know because i successfully did it.
> 
> ...


Your unbelievably right. Thank you. However, I think I am going to give this one more try, and try really hard to find happiness with my husband. I give it one more year, if Im still feeling this way, its over. The 'other man' really is just a friend and its best be left at that only. I will not confide in him for anything. So one last try, for me.. for my child's sake. But I do know we cant stay together for the child.. it has to be for love, so we will see.....


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

SM, Then talk to him. Have a serious sit down conversation with him about what you feel. Ask him how he feels. If both of you communicate and have common interests in saving your marriage - you can make it great. The key is letting him know what you need from him so you can be happy, and vice versa.

Maybe you are not getting enough attention from him. Let him know this, if that is the case. Let him know that you need some alone time for yourself maybe once a week, or an hour a day, or whatever it takes. Then make sure you find some alone time to spend with each other at least once a week. Find a good baby sitter, ask family to watch your child. Whatever it takes for both of you to have some fun together and do things that really interests you both.

I am glad you are going to try to give this another year.

I just want you to know that I met my wife when I was 14 years old. Married her when I was 20. We are now both 49; I have never physically been with any other woman. Thirty years married - I can't tell you it has all been a bed of roses becuase no marriage is but I can tell you that it has been worth the hard times and of course the good times. My wife cheated on me about 10 years ago becuase, like you, she felt like she missed something in her youth. But guess what? After it was all said and done, she said to me that it was not worth it - that what she expected out of the affair was not what her curiosity and expections made it out to be - that she had made a huge mistake just to fnd out that she paid the price of severely hurting me and our marriage for nothing. Today, we are both happy and I don't regret that I have never been with someone else. 

The point is that you do have a choice and it can get better if you BOTH want it to.


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## Icannotsleep (Oct 28, 2009)

You have no idea how pleased I was to see you were going to give it another go!
This is sort of a similar case to what Im going through. My wife is 25 and we got together when she was 16. She recently left me for the very same reasons you suggested. With three kids, little money etc, she felt like her youth was stolen and blamed me. But she did have an emotional affair with the other guy she new from school. And she threw our life away in favour of the new guy and the single life.

I was all set to flame you for being inconsiderate towards your husband and generally being a horrid selfish cow.
But Now I respect you!
Not only did you come to a forum with your problem, but you genuinely accepted help, listened to impartial advice and made the right decision!
If you do follow through and give it a go with your man, then i have nothing but the upmost respect for you!
Well done!


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## Sad (Oct 30, 2009)

Hello. I was in a similar situation to you. I had been with my husband from the age of 17 to 32. We had two lovely daughters. We both had successful careers, a nice dog, two cars and a great home. But I was bored, unhappy and miserable. 

We had grown apart and I was feeling lost. I was mother and wife and worker... never myself. I wanted to experience new things. My feelings for my X had changed... I simply didn't see him the way I had when I was 17. There was no romance, our physical intimacy sucked... He didn't want our relationship to end. We went to MC.

In the end, my mind had already been made up... but society tells us we have to try. We have to think of others. We have to think of our children... and we do. But we also have to think about ourselves and sometimes that means making the more difficult choice. 

The easy choice is to stay. The choice that will make you unhappy is to stay. The hard choice is to go. With that choice you have no guarantees, you could be happier, you could be unhappier. It has more risk... which is why it's harder. 

You have to decide if you have the guts to handle the risk. 

I wish you the best of luck!

In my case, I divorced and my X and I are much better off apart.


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## Tiffany24 (Oct 27, 2009)

No Staying their is not a good idea . This will just cuase more problems between you and him.
God Bless


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

I have opted to not talk to him about the fact that I was thinking of leaving, he is completely oblivious to that fact, its not lying, just some things are better left unsaid. Things are going Ok. I don't know how to just bring up the topic that "Im not happy" so I am taking it one day at a time. He is very obsessive of me, and I have never given him a reason to be, until now, and I think he pushed me to do it. Next time I want a girls night, he is going to HAVE to give it to me whether he likes it or not. I did go and spend a night at my moms a couple hours away, and being away helped me realize maybe I should give it another try. Ill keep ya'll posted. Im thinking of starting a blog, to get my feelings out there, Im like a ticking time bomb when I don't talk about things. So if/when I start my blog Ill link it on here. You guys are all great. Who knows best but those whom are experienced. Thank you. This is NOT my last post.


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## New Beginnings (Sep 9, 2009)

Dont think I totally agree with the coment that it is easier to stay and harder to go but I do completely agree that there is nothing but risk in leaving. but I do get her point on that statement. I guess to me there are ways to find happiness in a marriage even if you have gotten to the point that you are now. I tend to believe that women get into this state for obviously a number of reasons but I thinkk one of the biggest ones are that they have lost their identity in life and are in the shadow of their spouses or their entire family unit (kids, work, husband, cooking/cleaning, and everything involved with being a mother.) What I think is really important is for you to define yourself and what it is you want out of life. Even if that list will change as you age, it is important for you to define yourself and actively pursue that. It could be a number of things that you may find you want to accomplish in life and you should really be in charge of making that happen for yourself. Another thing that I think happens is that women become a prisoner of their lives and don't get a proper support system for themselves. I will use an example. I have a sister in law who has CP. She doesn't work, doesn't drive, is stuck at home caring for six children and is going stir crazy in her life. She wants out but has no escape for her situation. To make matters worse, the family is uterly poor and she can't even get away to have a day for herself or even a girls night out like you want. So it is really esential to me that a woman has a support system in place that allows her to be able to have things for her and only her. 

Not sure if that made sense to you SM but I can try to elaborate if you would like. Just let me know. 

I am also really proud that your not throwing in the towel as of yet. I think it is positve to exhaust all your options when there is a breakdown in the relationship like your experiencing. Best of luck!!


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## Ingrid (Aug 12, 2009)

I think it's worth it to give it another try just so you can tell yourself you have exhausted all your options, so you can not feel "selfish," etc. Chances are, however, if you have felt this way for some time, the likelihood is that you will continue to feel this way. Sorry, that's just how I see it. I'm in a similar boat, I just told my husband a few days ago that I'm unhappy and am considering a trial separation. Different circumstances, but I have been thinking about this for months or even a couple of years and my thinking keeps going in the exact same direction... to the same conclusion... I am still leaving a window open that there's a chance, but right now it's as if my thoughts are swirling around going down like a toilet being flushed, the direction is seeming inevitable.

Marriage... heck.. LIFE... IS inherently selfish anyway. BOTH people need to be happy in a relationship for it to thrive.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let me suggest something. I absolutely 100 percent believe you should be able to do a weekly girls night out. I am in a very happy - for both of us - 20 year marriage. 

I also think the following needs to be true:
- He has to support this in the spirit of wanting you to be happy. He CANNOT act like a jerk about it and spoil it for you, or start an argument with you on purpose the day of your girls night. 
- It has to be reasonable - meaning you need to agree to be home by midnight or 1 or something. If you are looking to have fun with your girls - then 8 to 12 or 8 to 1 is plenty late. That way he can be up when you get home. This is not about trust per se - but it does establish a tone. If you wander in at 4/5 something is not right. 
- The purpose is not to go out and flirt/get hit on by guys at bars. That is not cool. You really want that, you need to get divorced first. 
- There needs to be a designated driver.
- You tell him nicely what your plan is - where you will be - this is just a courtesy - he better not show up there - that is way way uncool
- You keep your cell phone on - if he really has something important come up - emergency - he calls you - you answer - but if no emergency he does not get to call you - this is YOUR NIGHT out

He gets to do the same thing if he wants. But if he does not want - to bad - that does not mean he gets to gripe about you doing it. 

If you define this kind of fair ground rules, then you can look him in the eye and say - hey if you are going to try to keep me from having a bit of a life of my own - this marriage will not work. And you need to be firm. Because if he is THAT controlling then maybe you are right to move on. 

One reason my wife loves me - I never try to control/keep tabs on her what she is doing / who with. I trust her. And she is like that with me. She trusts me.



SM-soconfused said:


> I have opted to not talk to him about the fact that I was thinking of leaving, he is completely oblivious to that fact, its not lying, just some things are better left unsaid. Things are going Ok. I don't know how to just bring up the topic that "Im not happy" so I am taking it one day at a time. He is very obsessive of me, and I have never given him a reason to be, until now, and I think he pushed me to do it. Next time I want a girls night, he is going to HAVE to give it to me whether he likes it or not. I did go and spend a night at my moms a couple hours away, and being away helped me realize maybe I should give it another try. Ill keep ya'll posted. Im thinking of starting a blog, to get my feelings out there, Im like a ticking time bomb when I don't talk about things. So if/when I start my blog Ill link it on here. You guys are all great. Who knows best but those whom are experienced. Thank you. This is NOT my last post.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

MEM - :iagree::iagree::iagree:

100% right on the money. My wife and I are the same way - she gets her time; I get mine and I am ENCOURAGING her to take time for herself. We are both much happier becuase of this. Of course, we set out plenty of time for both of us to be together and do things.


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