# Divorce in your 20s. Need Advice



## JJHates2020 (Jul 11, 2020)

Hi all,

I'm a 25 year old female married to a 30-year-old male. We've only been married for 10 months, but have been together for almost 6 years. No kids.

2 years ago, he started his own business and has been building his business ever since. Of course, starting your own business is hard work and extremely time consuming. His business requires him to be accessible to clients on the phone and by text. Some days he'll be working from 7am-8pm. Other days, he only needs to be at the office 3 or 4 hours. But no matter what time of day or on the weekend, he needs to near his phone.

This was a big issue even when we were still dating. I trust him and knew he wasn't cheating and knew it was purely for business. Over the last 2 years, the business was grown exponentially and now, he has employees working for him, but things have gotten even busier. I do not forsee them settling down any time soon.

Just some context, my father had owned a business when I was younger. He worked 6 days a week from 7am-7pm. And he was never around due the business. My parents were divorced and the only time I spent with my mother was on the weekend. My father only had Sundays off, but because of the custody arrangement, we only spent time with him at night. And he was always constantly on his phone for business (this was 20 years ago, I can still remember the exact image of his Motorola flip phone). Me and my brother spent many nights alone with our grandmother.

So naturally, I was very concerned that history would repeat itself. I was scared that I would be in the same situation as when I kid. I was also very scared of what this meant for our future kids, to have a dad who wouldn't be around that much. I was scared that he wouldn't be there for me as a husband and dad.

As the business grew, his priorities shifted. I understand the need to make money and make a comfortable living. I understand his desire to be his own boss and make something of himself. I truly support him and his ambitions. I have also put a lot of effort into the business and have been very hands on from creating the logo to doing tax paperwork.

But I'm also at a point in my life, where I'm tired of being number two. I'm tired of not having someone to be there for me when I get back at home. For most of my childhood, I was not a priority to my parents and now, second priority to my husband. We both want to have children. But, how can I knowingly bring a child into this world, where I know the father will be not around. I want my kids the father that I didn't have. There's so much more than being a parent than biologically. I don't have a doubt that my husband will make a good father, taking care and providing for the kids. But kids need that deeper connection and that can only be fostered with effort and time.

We have discussed this in length and I have asked him if things are always going to be this way, can he spend more time with me in the future. I guess, we both really know the answer to that question is no. Realistically speaking, if things go well, it will get busier. He asked if I wanted him to go back to working a 9 to 5. Of course, I said no. Not only is it his dream of being a business owner, but its the only way he can really make a living. To take that away from him, he would resent me.

Over the last couple of months, I've realized that I can't live like this. I know its selfish to say, that I need more of his time and attention. But I do. I love my husband and want him to succeed in his business, but I'm not sure if I can fit myself into this situation any longer. I know divorce is the only way to rectify the issue. He clearly cannot give me what I want and need. I struggle every day with the thought that maybe I can hold on, give it another day and then another day and things will be better. But part of me knows that it's not.

Part of me is grieving for the future we planned together. For the kids we hopped to have. The house we were going to fix up. Promises that we made in our vows. To grow old with each other.

I have already prepared the paperwork to start the divorce, but I have been struggling to actually go file it. I'm scared. What if getting a divorce is a big mistake?What if I can't live without him? We've been together for 6 years, that's almost a quarter of our lives.

I want to know if I'm being unreasonable. If you own a small business or was with someone with a small business, how do you handle this? I want to be the dutiful wife who supports her husband. And I try myself, but I refuse to sacrifice my own happiness in doing so.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You don’t want your past to be your children’s present. That seems quite legitimate to me. Your still very young. I would think to give it a little more time before you decide


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JJHates2020 said:


> I want to know if I'm being unreasonable. If you own a small business or was with someone with a small business, how do you handle this?


A way he could handle this is for him to make you and your marriage a priority. He could look critically at the tasks he does for his business. He could probably eliminate some of them. And he could hire someone to do some of the tasks.

I don't know what type of business he is in, but surely it's not reasonable for him to be available by phone 24/7. There are answering services that could take messages and he could then decide if the call could wait for the next business day.

For his own sake he needs to figure out how to manage his business in a way that does not burn him out and destroy his personal life.

Does he know how unhappy you are? Does he know you are considering divorce?


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## JJHates2020 (Jul 11, 2020)

@EleGirl 

He does have employees, but as a business owner, he can never really be hands off. Sure , he has staff to handle basic things but he prefers to do more of the intricate tasks. There have been many times when he is tending to business outside of business hours and I've said it can wait. But, in his mind, if he doesn't respond right away, it's a chance of losing business. There is some truth in his thinking, if he doesn't seal the deal right away, it leaves room for others to gain the customers business. He says in a couple years it could get better. But I think we both know that there's no truth in that. A successful thriving business is only going to require more time and energy. I can maybe put myself on the backburner for a little bit. If he could promise me that in 1 or 2 years, things would be different. Then OK. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Bu I definitely can't do that for the rest of my life.

He knows my feelings and stance on our relationship. I've been very vocal about it. He recently made it a point to spend the whole July 4th weekend together. But in my eyes, one weekend doesn't make up for anything. Part of me thinks it's too little too late. I've told him about drawing up the divorce papers and shown it to him.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Does he knows you have already prepared the paperwork for a divorce ? I understand your situation and that this is not an easy thing to go through... having your own business can be very stressful and exhausting. But I'm trying to understand if he knows that you are seriously thinking about divorce? Other than this problem do you have any other issues in your marriage?
On the other hand there is no guaranty that a man who will work a regular 9-5 job will give you the attention you need... I take a divorce as the most extreme solution after you have tried everything else that is possible.... But eventually it is only up to you and your feelings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My parents owned their own business. It was very successful but time-consuming. I didn’t see them that much growing up and wasn’t really close to them. Once they eventually sold the business and retired, they had lots of time but at that point I lived hundreds of miles away and had my own family to deal with so I didn’t see them often. There’s a song from the early 1970’s called “Cat‘s in the Cradle” about a busy father who has no time for his son and then one day his busy son has no time for him. A not uncommon situation, unfortunately.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

JJHates2020 said:


> He does have employees, but as a business owner, he can never really be hands off. Sure , he has staff to handle basic things but he prefers to do more of the intricate tasks. There have been many times when he is tending to business outside of business hours and I've said it can wait. But, in his mind, if he doesn't respond right away, it's a chance of losing business. There is some truth in his thinking, if he doesn't seal the deal right away, it leaves room for others to gain the customers business. He says in a couple years it could get better. But I think we both know that there's no truth in that. A successful thriving business is only going to require more time and energy.


_"Lean not unto your own understanding"_

That's an excerpt from a Bible verse that you made me think about because that's what you both are doing. You can't see this. He can't do that .Neither of you know anything differently at this point.

I know this is how things seem to both of you, but it doesn't have to be the way either of you see things.

I owned my own business for 15 years and made the exact same mistake your husband is making. I knew I was doing it but didn't realize until near the end that it was a mistake, but I couldn't change things because it would have meant teaching others how to do what I did. I grew way more business than I couldn't handle alone, but I already had employees trying to learn my business so they could do it on their own. I even had a lady tell me she would come to work for me if I taught her how to do what I do. So in essence, I was supposed to pay her as an employee, teach her how to do everything while paying her, so that she could walk away with my business. No go, Sistah!

As a result, that meant I could only have my crew come in to do the manual labor type of stuff, while I was hog-tied to my computer(s) around the clock, and I mean literally around the clock. I maybe saw my pillow once or twice a week, and that was only after working through the night to get orders out in the morning.

One mistake of it all was that my computer technician liked me and would beg me to get off the computer and spend time with him. But I couldn't think about that. I couldn't rise from my throne. To his credit, he always came when I called and often worked on my computers through the night to keep things running properly. He would keep me supplied with all the latest gadgets and very expensive software. Because troubleshooting and running diagnostics usually took hours on end, he would crash on my sofa or my spare bedroom (when my grandsons weren't there), and I would keep him well fed. But I simply couldn't reprogram my mind toward anything romantic, nor did I maintain any other types of relationships, with the exception of my two young grandkids. I lost touch with friends and family members (although some of that was on purpose LOL).

In addition to that, another mistake was that my health was failing and I didn't realize it. I began to have short episodes of vertigo until one day, I was flying down the expressway with my two 5 & 7 year old grandsons in the backseat when a severe episode struck. While vertigo is an extremely annoying and awfully terrible feeling, thank goodness you can at least maintain your wits, so I was able to pull over onto the shoulder to wait until it subsided. It scared me so much that afterward, I called my son-in-law and told him "Come get my car" and began paying a driver to either drive me wherever I had to go or to go for me if I didn't have to be places myself. As it was, I was already paying employees to do pickups and deliveries, and now I needed a chauffeur too. It was crazy. I later found out that vertigo is caused by stress, and my business was extremely stressful in addition to never sleeping. As soon as I stopped doing business, there were no more vertigo episodes and none to this day, and it's been over 12 years. For my whole working life, I always thought I worked best under pressure. The more demanding, fast-paced, and stressful, the more I liked it. Lots of people say that, but no one knows how dangerous stress really is.

So, your husband is driving himself into the ground and neglecting his marriage because he thinks he has to. And you can't see an end to it because you think he has to drive himself into the ground forever. But it doesn't sound like his business is like mine, where he doesn't dare share his portion of the workload. It sounds like he could delegate more. He could establish normal work hours for himself, and hire someone to answer the phone and catch business as it comes in so he doesn't lose any. He should get a dedicated cell phone (cell phone because business lines are very expensive) for that purpose. It would mean more money being paid out to an employee but worth it for just a few hours a day (he could offset the labor costs by looking into tax credits offered when hiring employees of certain demographics). It might also be possible for him to set up an automated system to do the answering, directing phone traffic, and taking orders.

And right now, because of the pandemic, more money has been funneled into the Small Business Administration. He could look into a small business loan but even if he doesn't or can't get one, the SBA is always available to help business owners. They are comprised of business people and college professors who help and advise businesses and are often able to suggest more and better innovative ways for business owners to conduct and design their business structure, and the mentoring is free. You and he should look into the SBA in your area. Call and set up an appointment.

There is also the Chamber of Commerce. To quote the purpose of the CofC:
_"A chamber of commerce (or board of trade) is a form of business network, for example, a local organization of businesses whose goal is to further the interests of businesses. Business owners in towns and cities form these local societies to advocate on behalf of the business community."_

and....

_"Consumers are significantly more likely to use your services once you have the *Chamber of Commerce* stamp of approval."_

It's a great avenue for networking, building relationships, training and educational opportunities, increasing visibility, growing your business, and other perks.

I realize all that makes it seem like his business would become more demanding of his time, but that's not necessarily true. Learning how to grow his business and operate it more efficiently could mean considerably less demand on his time. When you work smarter instead of harder, it's better financially and for your family.

I don't think I have all the answers to suggest for him, but I know he doesn't have all the answers either. There is always lots to learn and ways to innovate and expand. He just needs to talk to the right people. He has to set out to find them.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am guessing that going into the marriage you were unaware of this commitment to his business (even though you were together for 6 years) ?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am guessing that going into the marriage you were unaware of this commitment to his business (even though you were together for 6 years) ?





JJHates2020 said:


> 2 years ago, he started his own business and has been building his business ever since.


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## JJHates2020 (Jul 11, 2020)

@StarFires 

Yes, he has the choice to release and delegate responsibility. But at the end of the day, the business will always come first. Before my wants and needs. I feel selfish to admit it, but I don't want to share him with the business. Am I wrong to feel like this? I feel jealous of regular couples, who work "normal" hours that can spend time together. 

Lots of people just do their job and clock out at 5pm and come home. I love my job but at the end of the day, it is a job. My husband never really clocks out. The business is always on his mind. It's a big part of his life. I would never dare ask him to give it up for me and even if I did, I know he will choose the company. 

He has asked me to be patient. But how long is too long? How long do I have to sacrifice my happiness and hope that there's a chance it may be better in the future? What if that day never comes or what if it comes too late. I don' want to be asking these same questions 3 years down the road. Right now, I don't have any kids or any major assets tying me down. 

An old friend recently just passed from Covid 19. His death really put a lot of things into perspective for me. Life is too short to be waiting around for someone or something to happen.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You're you're at a good age to divorce. That's the problem sometimes when you marry young even if it's for love, your life plans aren't all settled yet and there can be twists and turns that you can't live with. I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to live this lifestyle since you already know what it's like and don't like it. Not everyone is going to be working as much as that, although some people will work two jobs but hopefully not forever. 


You know if you had children with this man that it would be all on you and all your options other than taking care of kids would be off the table. 

You're young and have plenty of time before you have kids or need to find a husband. You know this isn't a life for you, so I say just let it go before you get trapped by getting pregnant or getting so old that it would be harder to leave.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

yes but they have been married for only 10 months - she had an opportunity to see what life was going to be like.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

JJHates2020 said:


> @StarFires
> 
> Yes, he has the choice to release and delegate responsibility. But at the end of the day, the business will always come first. Before my wants and needs. I feel selfish to admit it, but I don't want to share him with the business. Am I wrong to feel like this? I feel jealous of regular couples, who work "normal" hours that can spend time together.
> 
> ...


I understand how you feel. I was just hoping to convince you to give him a chance to learn how to organize his business more efficiently so he could work relatively normal hours. But you know him so if you don't feel he would ever be able to mentally detach at the end of the day, then you know better than I do. He and I sound like the same personality types where that is concerned. Whatever my job was, I spent my life totally attached to it, working long hours I really didn't have to work. I just couldn't pull myself away. Lots of people are like that.

You might know that women file for divorce at a much higher rate than men. There may be one reason or another stated on the paperwork such as irreconcilable differences and stuff like that. But when polled, the majority of women say their reason for wanting out was neglect. There are so many pornography widows these days and online gaming widows. It's been getting worse and worse for years. So I get how you feel.

The only thing I would say to you now is I hope you will consider what I just stated in terms of recognizing that couples have so very many unimaginable problems that you cannot fathom. You may be sad about your own problems at home and look around and think everybody else's grass is so much greener, but you only live behind your own closed doors with no idea what goes on behind theirs. Most people work normal business hours, but you shouldn't imagine their home life after work is so much better than yours. There is all manner of neglect, abuse, excessive porn use, excessive internet activity, infidelity (one of the biggest marital problems these days), personality incompatibility, sexual incompatibility, alcoholism, lack of communication, and financial issues to name some of the problems that plague couples. Another is the daily grind on opposite shifts, and couples feel like ghosts to each other. You just have no idea what other couples are going through, and you could just as easily find yourself in their shoes and trading in another marriage. And then what? Marriage #3? And then #4? I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm only saying all this to give you food for thought because I don't believe in allowing fear of the unknown to be a stifling element in a person's life. But it's also wrong to make decisions based on what you think occurs in other people's households because you can't possibly know that.

So this is the deal: Make yourself the promise that you're not going regret this decision later on. You really shouldn't think you are being selfish for the way you feel. Like I said, neglect/lack of attention is the #1 reason among women for divorcing, so there's nothing uncommon or selfish about it. You need what you need. It's just that simple. But it's going to seem trivial by comparison if, later down the road, you find yourself unhappy in another marriage due to what might be more serious issues than a workaholic husband. You might want to knock yourself upside the head, but you're not allowed to regret this decision. Just keep reminding yourself how serious it was and how it made you feel at the time.


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## Mrclean75 (Jul 12, 2020)

JJHates2020 said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I'm a 25 year old female married to a 30-year-old male. We've only been married for 10 months, but have been together for almost 6 years. No kids.
> 
> ...


JJ,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I've done a lot of things in my life and marriage is by far the hardest. I'm 35 and on my second marriage. My first marriage ended because I married very young (High School sweet heart) and had no real time to validate comparability with my partner. I worked a similar type career where I had to be gone all the time and this really hurt our relationship. Combine that with different interest, goals, and tendency's led to disaster. She left me when I was on a job overseas and it really broke my heart. For the first year after the divorce it was awful. We'd talk, flirt with the idea of getting back together but we never did. It was the best thing for both of us. 2 years later I met my soulmate. It's like that stars aligned. We've been together for 9 years and compliment each other so well.

If my ex had never found the strength to walk away it would have been bad for both us. The question I would ask is do you see it getting better for both of you in the long run? Are you both going to be able to get the things out of life you want and need? If the answer is no, then I think you have your answer. 

PS: I often talk to my ex wife and have a long distance friendship with her today. We are both remarried to people who compliment us very well. It's still not easy. It takes constant work. I hope this helps.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I married very young. The red flags were there by the time I was your age and I ignored them. I thought that he would one day make me a priority but that never happened. Decades after I should have gotten out, I finally did. Not every marriage is like mine was but a lot are. That’s why I tell people to pay attention to any red flags — especially if they’re there before marriage. They’re unlikely to go away.


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## JJHates2020 (Jul 11, 2020)

@Openminded That's the reason why I'm contemplating divorce. I'm afraid that in 10 years or so, I will wake up and still be waiting for him to prioritize me. Maybe I can be a second priority, but I cannot accept that for our future children. 

@StarFires Yes, I don't know what's going to happen in my next marriage/relationship. My next partner could be worse, but then again he might be better. You mentioned that there can be all sorts of potential character issues with my next partner. But I think we are setting the bar too low. Just because my husband doesn't cheat or abuse me, doesn't mean that he's a good husband, he is just a decent human being. Being faithful, kind, etc are just qualities that everyone should have. Part of the reason, why I am struggling with this is partially because he is such a good guy. I would be easier for me to leave if he was trash. 

Even with myself, I like to "measure" myself to people who are "better" than me. I would not compare myself to someone who has the bar set very low. For example, me saying at least I'm employed/working... why would I hold myself to such a low standard. I should be saying something like at least I work in a Fortune 500 company...not the best example, but I think the point is valid.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Maybe marry someone without a job? You can't have it all. There will always be something no matter who you are with. Life is tough, we all need to work. I've had to work 80 hour weeks slave labour type jobs just to survive - the options were this or homelessness. A good woman that loves you will follow you and help you get to where you are going - it wont be perfect along the way. 
You could leave him and wind up used and abused, a lonely cat lady or solo mother and someone like me would laugh at you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Still remember working 84 hours a week in the first few years of my business, caused alot of irreparable long term damage. Years later and divorce, then the virus happened, and now I am merely surviving. Fun times. I also have another dream and ambition to achieve in my life, starting one business and watching it collapse is not enough. I want to start another one. It's a lifestyle choice and I won't have it any other way. I give the finger to the man, and just can't work under people.

Being an entrepreneur means sacrifices. You live the way that many others won't, so that latter in life you live the way that many others can't. Sure, a man has to learn how to balance his responsibilities between his work and his family, I failed in that in the past. My girlfriend right now, we had this discussion even this morning about it. She's very open about her limits and her expectations, so I know how far the rabbit hole I can go for my business, and when I have to reel it in. It's much easier for me to reel it in now I guess, mostly because having my business on ice due to the virus has made me a little crazy watching all that hard work add up to such an anti-climatic end. It's made me appreciate what really matters in life and worth sacrificing for in the end.

However, just as she has her limits, I have mine. If she doesn't support my ambitions and my sacrifices the same way I would support her and make sacrifices for her then regardless of being able to burn everything to the ground her attitude is just not worth sacrificing for in my opinion. Now I'm not judging, but if you yourself can't handle the ambition and the sacrifices involved with such, I'm afraid that you have reached the crossroads. There are many other men who are less ambitious and happy working 9 to 5, some are even happy being stay at home dads. They need love too


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