# Girls Night Out



## PerfectNight (Dec 9, 2013)

Hello All, I need a little advice. I am a married male. I have been married for more than 20 years to the same lovely lady we have a couple of children.
The issue is; We are generally happy together, yet my wife puts very little effort or interest into our relationship. Anything that we do is initiated by myself. Our occasional nights out are planned be myself. Having a conversation with my wife takes a lot to get going with no real attempt made by my wife to join in and progress what could be a relaxed time getting to share our thoughts on all sorts of matters. 
Passion is generated only by myself, its a lot of giving and no receiving and that unfortunately is also a task itself as its often a struggle to get my wife to open up and just be herself again.
I feel like its an uphill battle trying to keep everything fresh and passionate when I really get little or no interest back in any for of conversation or passionate contact.
SO, my wife jumps at the chance of going out with her friends on a girls night out, putting in the work to make herself look as pretty as usual and getting enthusiastic at the prospect of the night ahead.
I feel totally left out and bewildered how she can when it suits make the change to being full of life when it comes to a GNO.

Am I over reacting when I get really upset over her wanting to go out, as I feel jealous that she is Enthusiastic over a night out to go and have fun when she is not like that with me or puts in the effort required in our relationship. All that I would love is for us to be together with the feeling of being once more complete.

Any advice here please

Sorry it may a be confusing...


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Your not over reacting. Dosnt sound like talking to her would do any good. Sometimes a third party helps. Have you though about counsoling or brought it up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How often does she go out? How often do you go out with your friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you told her how you feel? That you want her to be more into making plans with you?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Your not over reacting. Dosnt sound like talking to her would do any good. Sometimes a third party helps. Have you though about counsoling or brought it up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, and based on what OP wrote, she sounds bored. This would explain the lack of excitement with him and added excitement of going out with others. 

OP are you any fun? Honest question. Do you do what she likes?
What is she doing with the friends, dancing?drinks? Does your wife have a wild side? Can you bring that side of her out? If not you need to figure out how to do that.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

GNOs are generally not a good sign when the rest of the marriage isn't going well, especially when the W is putting so much work into the GNOs but not the marriage.

There are a ton of posts on TAM about GNOs, I'd suggest searching for them using the search feature to see how they turned out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hey bro. Printing your post and letting her read it in front of you would be a good start

For whatever reason, your W isn't excited by you or invested in you on that level.
Has she always been this way? It almost seems as if she doesn't view you as a sexual/libido exciter. Her response to gnome shows she is getting her satisfaction (in some form) when she gets to be away from you.
It hopefully hasn't progressed to an affair on her part but if this situation isn't addressed it could certainly be a danger.

Probably want to start by letting your W know that your marriage is in trouble, because it is, and tell her your concerns and make sure she engages you with her input on why she doesn't get her motor going for you but seems to get revved up when she isn't doing it for you
If you are serious with her, letting her know this is causing harm to your marriage and family, it will hopefully grab her attention.

Best wishes!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Oh goody. Another GNO thread. How fun.

Oh, and I almost forgot. She doesn't love you any more.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

I have to agree with ConanHub, letting your wife know what you feel and ask for support is the right way to go. As I'm saying this, something in my head keeps saying NO..is a weak position.....HOWEVER......as my therapist said last Friday, it actually is a position of power. You show confidence, you show that you know what you like and don't like and that you have the cojones to confront it. One tip, always do it from a calm and firm position, asserting your self, do not be upset or angry as all her defense mechanisms will come up

Wish you the best!


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

It would be helpful to know just how often the girls night out events are. Also where do they go? Quiet restaurant? Dance club? 

After 20 years, she looks at you as old news. Girls night out is the new and exciting thing. She gets excited when she prepares to go out with her friends. I wonder why? It might be very educational for you to witness her out at these get-togethers.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cubby said:


> It would be helpful to know just how often the girls night out events are. Also where do they go? Quiet restaurant? Dance club?
> 
> After 20 years, she looks at you as old news. Girls night out is the new and exciting thing. She gets excited when she prepares to go out with her friends. I wonder why? It might be very educational for you to witness her out at these get-togethers.


Are the friends on the GNO's married or single? What is the theme of the GNO's?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Man oh man.
I feel sorry for you, because it looks like she's bored , maybe not only with you, but with her life in general. Looks like she's lost some attraction to you as well.

I think attending a couple's retreat or something like that might help change her perspective and adjust her attitude.
Sometimes mid life crisis can hit some people hard. Maybe she sees the GNO thing as a way to connect with other women her age , who might understand exactly how she feels.
However the GNO thing with the wrong crowd in her situation , could be like hanging out in a minefield without knowing that landmines are buried beneath.

But don't beg her , nor pry her for answers because she might not even know why she's acting the way she is.

Make sure a third party is not involved , then both of you should probably agree to go back to the drawing board, talk openly about changes and feelings , and then chart a new course forward.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

A GNO every now and then can be a good thing, but when they start becoming regular , weekly events where you stay home and twiddle your thumbs while she goes out dressed to the nines, then you may very well have a problem.

The thing about GNOs are that even though they may very well be GIRLS' nights out, there is bound to be a toxic friend there: friends who think that all men are pigs, that marriage is a prison, that husbands are just there to provide a roof, a paycheck, security and a permanent babysitter while the girls go out and have a good time.

Most GNOs either start up at, or at the very least, wind up at bars or clubs (i.e., "meat markets") where there are plenty of young, single (and a great many NOT single) men there who are trolling for a "score". Your W's friends are probably getting hit on at these places, and she may very well ALSO have guys trying to pick her up. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she may very well be successfully rebuffing these men, but she gets to go home to her home life at zero-dark-thirty in the morning, confident that if men were hitting on her, then: "Hey, girl-you still got it!"

And don't kid yourself-women LOVE this type of attention, and even though they have absolutely no intention of leaving a bar with a guy, they still dress sexy and act a little flirty because they love the attention, and that attention can be addictive. Soon, it may be like a "gateway drug", and they may get a little bored when they see all these attractive, younger, more assertive studs that they keep turning down, and then they start to crave a little bit more excitement. they may very well start thinking "Well, what would it hurt if I just danced with the guy?" Soon, that may turn into "What would it hurt if I gave him my number?", then "What would it hurt if I gave him one little kiss?" Especially if they have one, or more, of those toxic friends egging them on: "Go on, honey...you deserve some excitement! Your doofus H will never know...we'll cover for you!"


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Talking about how she is having fun going out with girls is a mistake.

Talking about her performance as a wife and how it does not meet your standards, that will get her attention.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Absolutely no good can come of the GNOs, espcially if she seems to be disengaged from your relationship. Are the GNO's in bars or dance clubs? If so, then it's even more of a problem. I wouldn't agree to it and I wouldn't do anything to facilitate it. If you are supposed to be the babysitter, forget to come home those nights.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Absolutely no good can come of the GNOs, espcially if she seems to be disengaged from your relationship.


GNO's + disengagement from relationship = Double bad.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Cubby said:


> GNO's + disengagement from relationship = Double bad.


It's all mathematics and time in the end. Everything is!

So that intense and burning interest in you and the marriage is now replaced by the GNO world. They may be very new in that world, and seeing a new world is magical to them. So it will get all her attention and motivation.

You and the marriage will be relegated not to even 2nd place, something way down on the list... Like an old friend they can't hang with anymore, that much interest.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Going out and dressing up, she gets to feel beautiful and sexy.

You, perhaps, are all blanket and no bedroom--warm and comfy. Not a turn-on. 

Time to up your game.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Does she wear garter belt, stockings, and heels on regular workdays or just for GNO?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

PerfectNight said:


> Hello All, I need a little advice. I am a married male. I have been married for more than 20 years to the same lovely lady we have a couple of children.
> The issue is; We are generally happy together, yet my wife puts very little effort or interest into our relationship. Anything that we do is initiated by myself. Our occasional nights out are planned be myself. Having a conversation with my wife takes a lot to get going with no real attempt made by my wife to join in and progress what could be a relaxed time getting to share our thoughts on all sorts of matters.
> Passion is generated only by myself, its a lot of giving and no receiving and that unfortunately is also a task itself as its often a struggle to get my wife to open up and just be herself again.
> I feel like its an uphill battle trying to keep everything fresh and passionate when I really get little or no interest back in any for of conversation or passionate contact.
> ...


OP
Where do the girls go, what do they do??? That is key.....


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

PerfectNight said:


> Hello All, I need a little advice. I am a married male. I have been married for more than 20 years to the same lovely lady we have a couple of children.
> The issue is; We are generally happy together, yet my wife puts very little effort or interest into our relationship. Anything that we do is initiated by myself. Our occasional nights out are planned be myself. Having a conversation with my wife takes a lot to get going with no real attempt made by my wife to join in and progress what could be a relaxed time getting to share our thoughts on all sorts of matters.
> Passion is generated only by myself, its a lot of giving and no receiving and that unfortunately is also a task itself as its often a struggle to get my wife to open up and just be herself again.
> I feel like its an uphill battle trying to keep everything fresh and passionate when I really get little or no interest back in any for of conversation or passionate contact.
> ...


You are not overreacting at all.

I went through a similar circumstance recently. My fiance NEVER wanted to leave the house and take me anywhere. We would go out and do something social maybe 1-2 times per year. Every NYE for the past 3 years was the same: sitting at home while I cook and then he falls asleep on the couch.

He said going out made him anxious and miserable. S

But then he's all excited about going out with this guy he works with and wouldn't let me come. 

Turns out, he just doesn't like going out with me because he doesn't like that other men look at me. 

Have you asked her why she isn't as enthusiastic about date night with you? Do you plan nights that she really likes, or are they more your style? Do you go to the same restaurant over and over? Do you do something that she doesn't like while out (ie stare at other women?) Not trying to be rude or accuse you of anything, just trying to help you get to the bottom of it.


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## PerfectNight (Dec 9, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> You are not overreacting at all.
> 
> I went through a similar circumstance recently. My fiance NEVER wanted to leave the house and take me anywhere. We would go out and do something social maybe 1-2 times per year. Every NYE for the past 3 years was the same: sitting at home while I cook and then he falls asleep on the couch.
> 
> ...


Hi MaBi123

Thanks for that. I get mixed messages from her to be honest. When I organise going out she does like it and does get dressed up etc, she will enjoy it as normal, but it really is the effort which she puts in. It is almost like she has absolutely no idea of how to give any attention back or focus on putting something back into our relationship.
It does seem to be all take and no give.

People always look at my wife wherever we go I am kind of used to that, she is a pretty girl really, and I dont stare at other women.

I buy her flowers, take her out, pay her compliments, always hug and hold her, look into her eyes and tell her how much she means to me. I am not lazy either, I cook, clean, iron clothes and I work full time with not drug or drink habits.

She does say she loves me a lot and she does get upset when another female makes any contact with me too.

Without going into detail, time in the bedroom dept is difficult too. I am very attentive and immensely passionate about things and when she does engage in any contact it is always initiated by myself and she genuinely does fully immerse herself, but only in taking with no counterpart played. If I did not initiate anything, nothing would ever happen between us.

I have tried to have the discussions with her, but conversation is difficult too. I try to engage her in conversations all the time but she struggles to play her part in conversation making. 

I think over the years she has become a little lazy in the relationship and is quite happy just to take seeing nothing wrong in doing so. 

She does know how I feel about it, as I have mentioned it in the short attempted conversations with her. 

She does know that a greater part has to be played by her, but that part never comes.

I suppose looking back, she is not the girl which I married.


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## PerfectNight (Dec 9, 2013)

Hi, thanks for the advice, it may be worth a try....


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## PerfectNight (Dec 9, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Man oh man.
> I feel sorry for you, because it looks like she's bored , maybe not only with you, but with her life in general. Looks like she's lost some attraction to you as well.
> 
> I think attending a couple's retreat or something like that might help change her perspective and adjust her attitude.
> ...


Hi, Wise words my friend. 
After all I dont feel any lost love just a misdirection.

Thanks


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh Dear!

So many similar threads.
I agree with some of the posts here. You really need to do the firm but very calm sit down and talk process. It isnt giong to be easy at all as it seems your W acts like a sponge and just absorbs.

Break the issue down. Hitting her with everyting will cause overload and prompt a negitive reponse.

Start with - the fact as you ARE concerned about how the marridge is looking. Ask her opinion. from your post I suspect youll have a nil reaction or a walk away. But youll need to push this to get reaction and make it clear that this is going to happen.

then go through the points always supportive NEVER offensive.

Make the statement you made here - indeed as suggested even show her a print out of your post in you feel at the time it will prompt the reaction to open the communication. And continually state you are looking for open communication.

Tell her about your observations in regard to the enthusiastic way she sees a girls night out and how she sees yours.

You have to make it clear that there are issues. If shes fallen in to a comfortable life, we all do at some time , then this may just be the kick in the rear needed to make her move a little.

be prepared for criticism. It does hurt when it happens especially if youve thought that by doing all the arranging and making "life happen" that this might be a thing she dislikes.

Do it sooner rather than later. As we enter in to the Christmas mode you dont need difficult discussion at a time when you should be sharing the season.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

PerfectNight said:


> Hi MaBi123
> 
> Thanks for that. I get mixed messages from her to be honest. When I organise going out she does like it and does get dressed up etc, she will enjoy it as normal, but it really is the effort which she puts in. It is almost like she has absolutely no idea of how to give any attention back or focus on putting something back into our relationship.
> It does seem to be all take and no give.


She has lost her sexual attraction to you. Women often lose it 4 to 7 years into a relationship. You can get it back, but the way to do it is counter-intuitive.



PerfectNight said:


> People always look at my wife wherever we go I am kind of used to that, she is a pretty girl really, and I dont stare at other women.


The important question is do the girls stare at you? Does the waitress give you eye and smile? Do women accidentally mash their boobs into your arm? Does your wife see other women being attracted to you?



PerfectNight said:


> I buy her flowers, take her out, pay her compliments, always hug and hold her, look into her eyes and tell her how much she means to me.


This is good stuff to do in the courting phase and good to do when married, but in more measured quantities. Too much of this without her either feeling the tingle or seeing other women bumping into you and she'll get the idea that she's the only woman you can get. and that's a big big turnoff if she thinks that. You are killing attraction by breaking the Sixteen Commandments.



PerfectNight said:


> *I am not lazy either, I cook, clean, iron clothes* and I work full time with not drug or drink habits.


If you do these _rarely,_ they're a big turn on. If you do them as a matter of course, they're a big turn off. If you're being the maid, you won't get laid.



PerfectNight said:


> She does say she loves me a lot and she does get upset when another female makes any contact with me too.


Excellent; other women do approach you. You need to encourage that with a smirk and a cøcky response. Her upset will turn into arousal later. Bear the upset from her in the short term and reap the payoff.



PerfectNight said:


> Without going into detail, time in the bedroom dept is difficult too. I am very attentive and immensely passionate about things and when she does engage in any contact it is always initiated by myself and she genuinely does fully immerse herself, but only in taking with no counterpart played. If I did not initiate anything, nothing would ever happen between us.


Start being a little less attentive and little more demanding. Dominate her. As your wife starts to see as more manly (more attractive to other women) she'll start initiating contact more to keep you on the leash. However, it's basically your male sexual demands that keep any sexual relationship going. Most women who are consistently the primary initiators in a marriage are likely to be involved with low demand men and/or outside men.



PerfectNight said:


> I have tried to have the discussions with her, but conversation is difficult too. I try to engage her in conversations all the time but she struggles to play her part in conversation making.


Whining and wheedling to have discussions about getting you more sex are a massive total turnoff for women. Women are supposed to be the talkers and men the doers. Start doing her.




PerfectNight said:


> I think over the years she has become a little lazy in the relationship and is quite happy just to take seeing nothing wrong in doing so.


No attraction, so it's the proper thing. You have to be the one to make yourself attractive. You do that by behavior that attracts the attention of other women. 32" waist, 46" chest. Etc.




PerfectNight said:


> She does know how I feel about it, as I have mentioned it in the short attempted conversations with her.


All that does is turn her fire down even lower and reduces your manliness even more, in her eyes.

What do you do that's traditionally manly? Joust? Ride a chopper? Engage in anti-government operations?



PerfectNight said:


> She does know that a greater part has to be played by her, but that part never comes.


And that's where you are wrong, wrong, wrong. It's all on you man. You have to appeal to her limbic autonomic sexual attraction apparatus and you are failing.



PerfectNight said:


> I suppose looking back, she is not the girl which I married.


That's because she is subconsciously deciding, and you are reinforcing, that you aren't the guy she thought you were. She's reaching the conclusion that you're an imposter.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I swear I could have wrote your story word for word a few months ago. My wife loved her GNOs....

I know most were just that, but unfortunately some of those GNO were actually ***** night out with the biggest loser you could ever have the displeasure of meeting. I was home being spending time with the kids, she was out opening her legs up to another man.

Be very wary my friend.....be very wary


Basically what the poster above me is saying, and its very true in my case, is that your woman does not fear losing you. They mistake that for not loving you or not being attracted to you. Some women still like to chase even after they are married. I guarantee if you were the one having nights out and she wondered what you were doing while you were out, things would be different.

My wife never, ever, had to worry about me. Not once. Look where it got me.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think you need to do some "servalance" on these GNOs and make sure it's girls only. You should go out and follow her and see what is going on. If nothing else, you may get some peace of mind.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

PerfectNight said:


> Hello All, I need a little advice. I am a married male. I have been married for more than 20 years to the same lovely lady we have a couple of children.
> The issue is; We are generally happy together, yet my wife puts very little effort or interest into our relationship. Anything that we do is initiated by myself. Our occasional nights out are planned be myself. Having a conversation with my wife takes a lot to get going with no real attempt made by my wife to join in and progress what could be a relaxed time getting to share our thoughts on all sorts of matters.
> Passion is generated only by myself, its a lot of giving and no receiving and that unfortunately is also a task itself as its often a struggle to get my wife to open up and just be herself again.
> I feel like its an uphill battle trying to keep everything fresh and passionate when I really get little or no interest back in any for of conversation or passionate contact.
> ...


She sounds bored or worse disinterested

My have nothing to do with you


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Time to step up to the plate and voice your concerns and in a way that she has to respond to you.

Tell her in a way that she knows that your not happy about the way things are going and don't let her wiggle her way out of it. I'm not saying that you have to come across angry but in a way that she knows that your not fooling around and just making idle conversation. 

Now the ball will be in her court and she's going to have to either make an effort to improve her relationship with you and if she doesn't then you just might have to make some changes.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

PerfectNight said:


> Hello All, I need a little advice. I am a married male. I have been married for more than 20 years to the same lovely lady we have a couple of children.
> The issue is; We are generally happy together, yet my wife puts very little effort or interest into our relationship. Anything that we do is initiated by myself. Our occasional nights out are planned be myself. Having a conversation with my wife takes a lot to get going with no real attempt made by my wife to join in and progress what could be a relaxed time getting to share our thoughts on all sorts of matters.
> Passion is generated only by myself, its a lot of giving and no receiving and that unfortunately is also a task itself as its often a struggle to get my wife to open up and just be herself again.
> I feel like its an uphill battle trying to keep everything fresh and passionate when I really get little or no interest back in any for of conversation or passionate contact.
> ...


There could be any number of things going on. One of the things that jumps out at me as a possibility is: Roles. 

There are quite a number of men and women who believe that one of the man's "roles" is to do exactly what you've been doing. Your wife may believe that men are "supposed" to be the initiators when it comes to going out and sex. While dating, most men arrange the date (...and the sex that follows). One of your issues may be as simple as the two of you having different beliefs about who is 'supposed' to do what...when. An honest calm conversation or two may solve the problem. 

As for the GNO's, I echo what some of the other posters have asked: How often does she go out with her friends? Also, you seem to want her to show as much enthusiasm when going out with YOU as she does when she goes out with her friends. In all honesty, I think that expectation on YOUR part is a bit unrealistic. After all, she probably doesn't go out with her friends nearly as often as she has gone out with you over the past 20 years. So in *my* book, of COURSE she'd be enthusiastic about going out with them. Also, do YOU show her to same enthusiasm when the two of you go out that you want HER to show YOU? You may THINK that you do, but...DO you? If you answer honestly, (...and if the answer is 'no') then you can't expect something FROM her that you're not giving TO her. 

You mentioned that you have tried talking to her about your concerns before. But I wonder how effective your communication style is. After all, if nothing has changed, then I'd say that communication is lacking on BOTH of your parts. On one hand, you can't come down hard on her and start making wild accusations and issuing ultimatums. On the other hand, you can't simply be vague about what you'd want to see change. Simply telling her, "I would like you to show more enthusiasm when we go out" doesn't tell her much of anything. You need to be specific. 

I'm sure there's a lot more I can suggest, but I'll stop here for now. Whatever you decide to do, BEFORE you do anything, check out your own behavior FIRST, and question whether maybe she has a legitimate reason for behaving the way she's behaving. Please remember that just because YOU may not think her reasons are valid, doesn't mean they aren't valid. Try to approach this through the eyes of understanding instead of accusations and paranoia, and I'm sure you'll see some changes that you'd like to see.

Vega


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## PAgirl (Sep 10, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> I agree, and based on what OP wrote, she sounds bored. This would explain the lack of excitement with him and added excitement of going out with others.
> 
> OP are you any fun? Honest question. Do you do what she likes?
> What is she doing with the friends, dancing?drinks? Does your wife have a wild side? Can you bring that side of her out? If not you need to figure out how to do that.


I agree with this. She does sound bored in her marriage. she might have a wild side that her girlfriends bring out of her. You definitely need to address this with her through counseling.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

She might be bored or in mid life crisis, but this is not an excuse to ignore your needs and the marriage relationship. Sometimes people take others for granted and it's not necessarily on purpose, so you need to talk to her about this. If she is not noticing and you are not telling her, then she would continue not noticing.

You are not overreacting and you have the right to express how you feel.


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