# What Exactly is Flirting???



## MrMarriedman (Mar 4, 2009)

Ok I need some opinions here...

Background:
I recently caught my wife of 7 years of having an EA with a guy she worked with. Our marriage almost ended and since then we have been trying to re-build. As part of this re-building she has left her work, found a new job and has promised to be 100% honest with me.

So here is the Issue!!!
We had lunch today for her birthday and she decided to disclose to me that after only 8 weeks at this new job she received a couple of gifts for some guys she works with. My hackles obviously when up right away based on the experience we just went through but I quickly talked myself down. She then decided to show me and let me read a hand written letter that was with a card from one of the guys. The letter was very complimenting but didn't really cross any lines. It said things like: 'you are a breath of fresh air', 'you have a beautiful smile and you always look nice' and 'you do you job better then all the others that came before you'. In an effort to show my trust, I told her that she is a beautiful lady and that these things are going to happen. I told her that I knew she did flirt with all these guys and that she was just nice to them. She then jumped down my throat and told me that she flirts all the time. She said that she likes to flirt and that she doesn't think there is anything wrong with that.

Question:
What is flirting to you and is it standard/acceptable behavior for a married person to "always flirt"? In my opinion I think flirting is a way of showing the opposite sex you are interested in sex. Am I wrong??? Please help me understand.

MrMarriedMan


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hmmm... seems to me the problem isn't with flirting but why she got angry when you said that you knew that "she did flirt with all these guys and that she was just nice to them."

You were acknowledging that she was flirting, saying you knew she was just nice to them. Why would that make her angry? Ask her.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

there are many ways of flirting and no it doesnt in my opinion mean your interested in sex.
i get accused of flirting, when some of the time, because of my outgoing nature i dont realise i am. ppl who know me in work just know im being me. but then to me im not flirting, im just having a bit of fun. 
i met this guy on a wrong number. and then i was flirting. it was fun and we ended meeting up. so i knew what i was doing.
thing is , wherever your wife goes, she cant keep changing jobs and she has done this for you. 
she admits to flirting, so she enjoys her nature. but the guys also enjoy that outgoing personality. some men and women have boring partners and ive had the same compliment myself , im a breath of fresh air. and they like my smile. im confident being me and i like me. i cant change who i am that way. 
some flirting can be dangerous, i think as long as you know some of your boundaries and learn to back of when appropriate. you can stil enjoy sex talk, but without having sex.


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## Limbo (Jun 17, 2009)

I understand how you feel, MrM - I wouldn't like it either. Yet I was very friendly & flirted in the past with coworkers, and it meant nothing. It would never have led to me being unfaithful, because I was devoted to my husband & there wasn't anything missing in our relationship. The flirting was just fun and made me feel good - never anything really suggestive was said, though.

Sorry you're feeling down about this. I hope things improve for you.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

I have to agree with Justean.. Im a huge flirt, and I know exactly when Im flirting.. I admit, at times Ive gone too far, but nothin never happened. I enjoy flirting..and no, my partner isnt boring, I just like to flirt..Its just my personality. I see nothin wrong with flirting, and your wife shouldnt have to change jobs everytime someone flirts with her, theres almost always goin to be someone, somewhere, thats gonna flirt with her. Think of it this way.. Your a lucky man, you have a woman that other men want but cant have.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

oohhh, Amber...that thought (wanted but can't have) triggered a really negative thought in my mind...sigh...but I'm ok, I'm ok...I AM ok...  

I flirt too. But it's more like a compliment to the other person. That they are desirable. I wouldn't act on it (if either of us was in a committed relationship (more a matter of personal honor, I guess)...but if we weren't ...  ). I never say what I don't mean. And I mean what I say. 

If I say you're beautiful, you are. If I say this or that, I mean it. I don't pull punches (ok, well, maybe slightly - I don't want it to hurt). But I do make sure I'm understood. 

So, flirting is "ok" as long as there's no intention of taking it further (and NEVER while out with your SO!!!). Just like a compliment (I like your hair, dress, shoes - they look good on you). An ulterior motive, though...well, then it's not ok.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

dcrim said:


> . But it's more like a compliment to the other person. If I say you're beautiful, you are. Just like a compliment (I like your hair, dress, shoes - they look good on you).


this is what i do. and i dont see why giving someone a compliment that puts a smile on someones face for a whole day is bad. so like one of the surgeon looked good in a suit and i told him. he was over the moon. but thats as far as the compliment went. 
i love compliments and even what i said can be considered flirting by the next best person. but genuine here, im not flirting. just giving someone a boost when they simply seem like they need it. im not sorry i have my personality. i like fun in my life and i wont be unhappy.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MrMarriedman-

The real question here are: How much does she flirt with you, and how much do you flirt with her? Is your sex life good?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

In my opinion, married people should not be flirting to the point of receiving gifts. That is crossing the line. I have a professional job. If a male coworker told me I had a beautiful smile, I would think he was borderline sexually harrassing me. There are rules at the workplace for such behaviors. It may seem fun and games to the flirty types, but I think any compliments even remotely flirty should be reserved for your spouse. If your marriage is strong and you already expressed jealousy and disapproval, then why is she continuing to upset you? Flirting does have sexual undertones. Just being friendly is different.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree:

with sensitive, Mark, Amber and Drcim

I am a HUGE flirt, Love it...so is my wife...

we have very loose boundries. I'll ask her how many guys have hit on her today/

she has a few customers that ask to date her, give gifts, ask for hugs, etc.

I am used to this, she is not going anywhere, she tells me everythign and I trust her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

:iagree:

Yeah. For myself, I believe in giving my wife lots of freedom to be herself. It's up to her to draw the line, I'm not the love police  We don't swing, and don't intend to, but neither do we spend all day worrying what the other is up to. 

If one has a policy of openness, then everything that comes up can be discussed. Sometimes one of us gets it wrong, but we just discuss it, and make adjustments. 

I have to say, this did not happen overnight, it's only in the last few years that we've gotten comfortable enough with ourselves and with each other.

I have to say, that unless this sort of understanding is in place, flirting with others is totally out of order. It's a form of cheating. What GA is talking about is not cheating becuase there is no secrecy element.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

exactly Mark...

I can openly talk about any woman to my wife she will talk about any man to me.

We have a understanding, we know that we can not expect the other person to never look at another human being and think they are "not" good looking. It happens.

It also took us many years to get to this point, like Mark said, we had to battle our own demons, it took time, like a garden, needs patience, work and fertilizing. Nothing is easy and we are at a good point.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I usually flirt by chance. That is because a man has made the first flirtatious move toward me  and I flirt back IF I see he is attractive. :smthumbup: I flirt back because it makes me  to know I am VISUALLY attractive to other men, besides dh, as we have been married 24 years!

After being married 24 years, and together 27, I at times wonder if dh is attracted to me out of habit or convenience OR if he is actually attracted to me because I TRULY am still physically attractive as I was when I was younger. Flirting helps me to _confirm_ dh does have a reason to be attracted to me VISUALLY. 

My dh says I will be attractive to the day I draw my last breath  and that I will likely _bring a date to his funeral_. :rofl: He so _funny_, my dh.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I might say here, that I truly like being older, as a woman and as older married couple. It has made most of the _insecurities_ and troubles, of early marriage, fall by the wayside, knowing my dh and he knowing me as we do. 

DH and I openly speak about flirtatious encounters. More me being hit on than DH, but I see him hit on by flight attendants, all the time. It is usually when I am on one of his flights, the flight attendants do not KNOW who I am and I will be sitting there watching one or the other flirting with my dh. 

He rarely even NOTICES them flirting with him! I have to point it out to him! He will say: "Huh? Who?". The poor woman doing the flirting has no IDEA her efforts are totally wasted and I am sitting there. :rofl: But it makes ME feel good because it helps me remember I have a man who is wanted and worth flirting with. 

He could be a dog, but he isn't. I still find him "hot" after all these years, despite many issues we have had in the past. 

The other thing being married so long does is that makes me understand that if another woman did _seriously_ flirt with my dh, and he was so dumb as to take her up on it, she had _better_ like him for his dynamic  personality, because after 24+ years of marriage that is *all* he will have.  I am not the vindictive type, but after sacrificing my Air Force officer career to stay home and raise his three children and rocket him to the top, I get at _least_ half.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

fantastic last post Sandy, fantastic...lol :iagree:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> fantastic last post Sandy, fantastic...lol :iagree:


Thanks GA.


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