# We both messed up - HELP



## UNmerryGoRound (Nov 4, 2007)

I met the most incredible man several years ago, he was married so I considered him OFF LIMITS. After getting to know him for 1 year, and seeing his demonstration of good father, faithful husband, responsible person, loved by everyone in his family, I discovered he was often depressed and unhappy. Ribbing him, I said you need to go home and get SOME, he broke down and cried. Humiliated, he confessed he was in a sexless marriage, less then 6 times a year, for 5 of the 9 years of marriage, and he said he should end it. I was kind of flip, and said....good for you, you deserve better. He did not want to end it out of responsibility to the family and his original committment but no sex in a marriage is a bitter pill to swollow.

Our relationship from that point developed, by attraction and mutural respect, etc. to (possibilities for US to have a future), if he was indeed to be available in the future. Fast forward...I requested that he have a good amount of time to mourn his relationship, and bury the baggage of a divorce. He agreed, but found it almost impossible to leave because of finances at that moment because he would have to live alone and carry 2 households. I backed off our relationship so he could sort it out. He turned inside out with my about face. I will spare you the details.

This is where it gets stupid.....Hurt, rejected, humiliated, scared, confused, you name it, he found solace in the arms of another woman almost instantly. I was not affected by this too much because I knew he was in deep ****. It was like an escape for him, and comfort that someone desired him, I stayed on my morale ground and we had not slept together. He is not a player.....believe me. Well, the woman he hooked up conned him with all she had, because she IS a player looking for the almighty $, of which he has a few, and she had none. I accepted the plight and gave him my best, even though it sucked ass. 3 months later they broke up because she became abusive to him, he contacted me, all was water under the bridge. We planned to get together and start fresh, but in turn she begged him not to dump her. So.....they stayed together because he was weak, he got divorced. The new woman got pregnant and her parents pressured him to marry her, which he did because he tries to do the right thing. They got married, but a baby was never born, now they have been married not long and she refuses to have sex with him, but controls every aspect of his life, she is a hater, yet he is respectful to her, however, they exist only and the marriage is dead.

He and I never lost contact and in fact we grown to love each other more. True intamacy is when your honey sees you at your worst and still wants you. He and I finally consumated our relationship this year, even though I swore I would never commit adultry. This is the most gentle man I have ever met and I dont like seeing him treated badly, he is yet again in a sexless, quite verbally abusive marriage. Neither of us know what to do at this point because his child is stable after the 1st divorce and he is seriously in no shape financially to divorce again. He is carrying 2 households. All he and I have is stolen moments when we can manage it, but it is wonderful beyond description, but infrequent as we live in different cities. 

I feel I let him down way back when, when he needed my strength to see him through, he feels he let me down by running to another woman in the first place and then caving in to the manipulator, but now he and now is legally bound to her. Neither of us are comfortable with an affair, but its all we have. We have discussed walking away from each other, but it hurts beyond comprehension. Time will sort it out but your comments are appreciated. We try to be normal, reasonable, professional people, but how much is one really supposed to swollow. I have always been pro sex, the more the better, everyday for any reason is my motto. We should try to partner with people most like us, the trick is sometimes people misrepresent themselves to get married. 

I have not met any other quality men that I would consider to be with since this entire thing started, but I am growing weary of this. I wish she would just leave him but its doubtful, her previous marriage ended with a restraining order as she would not leave her EX alone. He is scared of her, I have rarely met a man who is terrified of a woman, its not Fatal Instinct but it gives me the creeps. What should I do? I can only describe this as when you finally KNOW who you want to be with if the timing is bad, things can go awry. Just ditching him would be like ditching my best friend, best friends are hard to come by....

This has been a long UnMerryGoRound ride


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

Honestly, I would really think about what you want out of a relationship. 

I believe part of the reason you have not found a quality man is because you are still connected to this man. From my experience, I always had difficultly dating a man when I was still connected physically, or emotionally to my ex-boyfriend, and you have been unable to meet potential mates because you still involved with this man.

Secondly, you and your partner are not having to handle the daily tasks of a relationship because you live in different cities and because of him being married. Relationships can be very different when you have to handle daily tasks and responsibilities of raising a family. He does not have to worry about daily responsibilities with you and he is able to see you only when he wants to. 

It sounds like your man is taking advantage of you and you deserve better than him. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend (my best friend) and it was traumatic for me, but I recovered, and move on to meet my future husband several years later. I worry that you are missing other opportunities to meet other men when you are still seeing him. I am sorry for the rambling. I hope that I don't sound harsh with you. Good luck! and let me know if I can help.

Jen


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First if he doesn't have a child with his second wife then he would not OWE her any form of support at all.

Second, It sounds like he has dependance issues. The question you need to ask your self do you want to always compete for this and prove you attention to him?

Third you state you haven't found another guy, have you been looking?

Lastly, you broke your own morals for this guy and he broke his wedding vows. How does this effect you psychologically?

draconis


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## mugsymo (Jun 9, 2009)

Question is do you love this guy?

I think if you really wanted him in the first place you would have got right in there for to support him when his marriage failed, then woman 2 would not have been an issue. Most people when they have had problem in marriage and leave they look for companionship cos they feel lonely sohe found the second wife.

If you really care for him then stick by him take one step at a time things will improve as long as you have each other.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

"I have not met any other quality men that I would consider to be with since this entire thing started, but I am growing weary of this."

Of what "quality" would you be referring to? The one that allowed him to have an EA and semi-physical affair with you when he was MARRIED to his first wife or the "quality" that saw his physically cheat on that first wife with the second one that resulted in her getting pregnant. Oh praise heaven above he "did the right thing" and married that one out of "loyalty." That same "loyalty" that led him to CHEAT on the second wife with YOU.

Yeah, great qualities there...stand up guy...real go getHER he is...

Wish you well in the future, oh wait, seriously not seeing one here.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

You're quality man sounds a little more "always save" to me.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You BOTH are emotionally unhealthy and screwed up. You two together would be a disaster. Do you not think you deserve better than this jerk? He has NO moral character, integrity or values. Why oh why would you want someone like this??? Get rid of him and get yourself a good therapist to discuss your poor choices in men. With a better understanding of yourself you'll make some real good decisions that will make you truly happy for the future. Good Luck to you.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> "I have not met any other quality men that I would consider to be with since this entire thing started, but I am growing weary of this."
> 
> Of what "quality" would you be referring to? The one that allowed him to have an EA and semi-physical affair with you when he was MARRIED to his first wife or the "quality" that saw his physically cheat on that first wife with the second one that resulted in her getting pregnant. Oh praise heaven above he "did the right thing" and married that one out of "loyalty." That same "loyalty" that led him to CHEAT on the second wife with YOU.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Precisely. The bastardizing of the word "QUALITY" is what struck me. :rofl:


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