# Platonic relationships



## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Is anyone else as paranoid as I am talking to new friends (and/or old friends that you're getting reaquainted with) that are married or in a relationship? 

As a BS, I am feeling paranoid about talking to females I know or have recently been reaquainted with, as I do not in any way wish to be the OM in someone elses marriage/relationship or even get to the point where the husband/boyfriend or anyone for that matter could think that. I've been there, done that, have the teeshirt. 

Let me give an example. A girl I used to work with many years ago and I got reaquainted recently. She has a husband who I met recently and we've even hung out together and watched football, had a couple of beers, etc (the husband and I). She has known me for many years although we're just recently (last 6 months) getting caught back up. She has a good head on her shoulders and has a few single friends that she's talked about setting me up with. So I want to check in from time to time, see how she's doing, see how her friends are doing LOL, etc, but I in no way want her husband to think the wrong thing.

Another example. A good friend of mine at work has been dating a girl for a year now, who also works where I work. I would like to get to know her better because her circle of friends is around my age or maybe a bit younger and it would be cool to hang out (with the friends to make more friends). However I don't want to give him the idea that I'm making moves on his girl.

I know how emotional affairs start, just ask my Ex. Starts off as friends, then you're letting them cry on your shoulder, then someone starts making a deeper connection, blah blah. That's NOT what I'm trying to do, but it could appear that way to someone on the outside. So from now on do I have to quit being friends with someone if they have a SO? Am I overanalyzing (I do this a lot)?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think this means your boundaries are in the right place. 
And due to the experiences you’ve recently had, being a BS and newly separated, you can see how easily things can get crossed/twisted.

This doesn’t mean you hide yourself away from the world or need to; it just means you have learned something major and are aware of it.

When I was going through my separation, my friend’s husband had sent out a message asking if someone wanted to go to a concert with him that his wife (my friend) wasn’t into. I was into that band, but because of me recently going through everything I did, I did not feel comfortable w/ going with him so I said nothing. I have always been good about respecting peoples’ relationships and even moreso now. One of my oldest friends is a guy and every so often he’ll send me a text and I always am sure to reply at some point about something re: this wife. “Let me know when you and wife are in town so we can all grab a bite to eat” or “Tell your wife I said hi and I hope your family is doing well.” Things like that. Because I think about how I’d feel if I were the wife, you know? EAs are incredibly easy to start. Slippery slopes and all. Just this weekend I was witness to a love triangle. Dude had a girlfriend who was out of town. Dude was hanging with me, my friend (mutual friend) and another chick. When I saw them, I thought Dude and Chick were together. Their chemistry was palpable. Then it came out that Dude actually had a girlfriend and Chick was single. I made a comment like, I thought you guys were together. And then as the evening waned on, both of them told me individually that they had a history together. A long history of bad timing (one or the other was always in a relationship) but that they’d had some trysts in college and afterward. It was so clear to see they were into eachother. Molotov c0cktail. I could see it from far away. She ended up going home early but he made a comment to me later that he felt he had “crossed the line” by talking about something mundane with her—emotionally, that is. He said he needed a “barrier” and it took serious ”effort” to avoid doing thins with her. It was clear they were and are still sweet on eachother. 

Boundaries. It’s ALL about boundadries.Which I told him.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I would not say paranoid, but I am VERY aware of my interactions with anyone of the OS who is in a relationship making sure I do not cross any lines.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> I would not say paranoid, but I am VERY aware of my interactions with anyone of the OS who is in a relationship making sure I do not cross any lines.


She's pretty damn good at respecting boundaries as well.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

So.. Boundaries, check. Anyone else feel this way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

is about boundaries but is also about you as human being, in the past I had 2 female friends (one in collage and one in work) with who I really didn't respect boundaries, we talked alot of sex, positions and relationships, I even knew they menstrual cycles, both had boyfriends (both women were very attractives) and I am sure a could have took them to bed but I didn't even try, the one from work once told me that I was like a gay friend and the one from college told me I was like a big brother.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what the others think if you are keeping yourself aware of what's going on. Yes, a female friends husband has a right to express concern if he feels that way but at the same time if you aren't overstepping boundaries ... then that's his problem to solve with his wife.

If a female friend who's in a relationship with someone else starts expressing discontent for her marriage, sex life or other personal things that should be taken up with her husband and not you ... tell her that.

So they don't like it and say you're not a good friend? Well then .. their definition of friend needs a rework because you are actually being the best type of friend possible. "Telling me won't solve your problems and hearing what I would do differently won't solve your problems. These types of things are best expressed with a 3rd party (IC), girlfriend or family. Plus, your husband."

I would rather cut someone off than place myself in a crap situation like that.

Hope that helps.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

That is helpful, thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm with you, I have platonic male friends but if I sense anything amiss I'll shut it down. .I had a good male friend for many years that passed through my city and stopped by my job for lunch. As we chatted his wife called and he lied to her about where he was. That was the end of that friendship, I don't want any part of that. .We're on Facebook but don't talk much. And yes, my hb knew he'd stopped by. There was never anything between us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I have many opposite sex friends (lifetime tomboy - both a blessing and a curse) and totally get where you are coming from. 

I think the key is, as Jellybeans pointed out, to set boundaries that make sense to you and respect them. Another thing is to ask yourself if you are attracted to your friends (it's not a bad thing - it happens) and if that's the case then be especially aware of your interactions with those people. I have some friends I'm very attracted to, but I know in the long run it wouldn't work out so I friend-zone them. 

It takes chemistry to form any kind of relationship, friend or otherwise and there's no reason to feel guilty about it. Actions speak louder than words - or feelings.


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