# I'm just so tired of trying....



## forgottenwife (Jul 5, 2010)

I've been married over 27 yrs to a good guy. He's a workaholic and has very good reasons for spending almost all of his time away from home. He comes home when he's sick or exhausted. He remembers that I'm here when he's out of socks or is hungry. His version of quality time is sitting on the couch together and watching reruns of "Pinks All Out". He'll always go shopping or to the movies with me, but personal time, romantic time, isn't even on his to-do list. Seriously, it's once a month or less and it's not quality. Just a bodily function for him and a heart-breaker for me. 

I have been careful about how I talk to him about this, not wanting to spook him. I have tried all the tricks to get and keep his attention, and quite honestly, I'm exhausted. Love doesn't thrive in a vacuum.

The problem is, he looks so good on paper. He's steady, hard-working, will do anything for anyone....except me. In our home, it's his show. This world revolves around him. He takes me off the shelf once a month to play and each time, I find it harder and harder to bring forth the normal feelings that should be found in a marriage. I am finding more resentment than passion, more sadness than love.

I have seen a man look at a woman who really "sees" her. My husband does not do that. I want that so bad, but about a year ago it finally dawned on me that it's not something I'm doing wrong. It's something he doesn't have inside him, at least not for me. Since then, I have felt myself fading away. And, of course, now I see all the temptations out in the world. I begged him to take better care of me in this area and not leave me open to such things. I guess he thought that I'd never go there, and I haven't, but the need for that feeling is so stong. I don't know what will happen if someone actually gets after me. 

How do I either change this, or let go of my dreams of a connected relationship and be happy here?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

forgottenwife said:


> How do I either change this, or let go of my dreams of a connected relationship and be happy here?


You come up with better questions to answer. The only way to do this is through personal therapy.


----------



## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

Why are you afraid to spook him?! That's probably what he needs! It doesn't even sound like you have talked to him about your problem? IF HE DOESN'T THINK THERE IS A PROBLEM, HE CERTAINLY ISN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT. Were you just going to up and leave one day leaving him to wonder what happened, everything seemed fine?

Let him know exactly how you feel. Let him know what you need from him. If the lines of communication are long gone, consider counseling. Did you just expect things to get magically better?

"tricks" are not the solution. Relationships take effort, on both of your parts. He first needs to understand there is a problem before he realizes there is something he needs to fix.


----------



## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

Some spouses are very thick headed. You can tell them something until you are blue in the face, but they still don't get it. Either that or they like the way things are and resist change. I have you exact same feelings towards my wife.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You've been married 27 years. What's there to spook him? If he's not committed enough after 27 years of marriage to try to work through some rough patches, then what are you trying to save? Talk to him, bluntly and honestly, about how you feel. My boyfriend has told me before that subtlety does not work on a man. If you hint, they won't get it. And if they do get it, what they get isn't what you're trying to say. You have to be blunt. And if he's not willing to give you what you need, counselling is an option, if you think he'd listen to a therapist. Otherwise, I think the only option at that point would be to decide if you can continue to live with things as they are or if the things you crave are things you must have. If they are things you must have, then moving on might be your only choice.


----------



## forgottenwife (Jul 5, 2010)

I have tried to talk to him, to tell him what I need. Exactly what I need. I'm just very careful in how I say it because the more I attempt to communicate, the less engaged he seems to be. He's afraid of failure, so he just doesn't try with me. I don't want any of you to get the idea that I'm just wishing for a break-through. I have worked hard for one. It just seems beyond me at this point and I feel horribly discouraged. But I thank you for your imput.


----------



## aw5756 (Jul 9, 2010)

He probably thinks that what he is doing is okay and is so confident in your marriage that you won't leave that he doesn't feel the need anymore to court you and win your affections. Surely he was more affectionate when you guys first met and fell in love. Some men don't understand that once you are married, it's not okay to give up chivalry and gestures of love. They think that once they put that ring on the finger, they can give up trying because the deal is sealed. Divorce doesn't even occur to them. That's why you need to sit him down and be honest and clean with him. If you don't talk to him about your problems in the marriage and instead bottle it up because you're afraid of hurting him, one day you will just explode and do 10x the damage than you would if you approached him with a clear head.


----------

