# I think the Light Came On



## Lonelynacrowd (Aug 24, 2012)

new to the area here so hello all.

I have been conflicted for a while now and know one to realy talk to about it other than myself.

I am 40 y/o W is 36 and we have two children 5 & 9. We have been married for 15 years. I wish I could say happily married but its not the case. We have had fights through out the years, in the beginning it was about money. I now do prettty well and she is a stay at home mom. I have been reading the forums here for a few days and it has turned on the light for me in a few areas.
My job is pretty demanding and I have to be gone from home from time to time over night. It has slowed down a lot lately and only two or three nights a month. I am not very good at arguing and tend to agree or just say what ever it takes to end the fight. W has let me know on many occaisions that I am a mean person when I talk to her these days. I say things that are intentionally aimed to be mean to her. I do not dispute any of this. What I have come to realize in the last couple of days is why I say and do these things. We have had a non-existent sex life for years now. I have seen posts from people complaining about only getting it 2 or 3 times a month and I want to scream. I almost sent her an anniversary card last week because it has been a year (12 months). Before that it was 2-3 times a year and before that it was 18 months. 
She has always said that it was her hormones and post partum depression (ssri's) but our discussion the other night I brought up sex again and she told me that she has wanted it but then I would come home and say something mean or hurtful and then she would no longer be in the mood. This post was not meant to be only about sex, but that is a big part of my problem. She often complains that I do not so enough to help around the house or with the kids. While I could do more, I often just dont feel like its fair that I help her but she doesnt help me. 
The light came on after reading some of the posts. I am definately angery about not having sex. This in turn causes me to drop mean comments to her. It is a double edged sword. If I change and focus on helping her and she does not help me then we are still both losing. I she changes and I do not, we lose again. I sent he a very long email (i have trouble putting into words when talking to her) but I have not heard a reply or even an ackowledgement that she has seen it. I can remember the last time she actually said I love you or kissed me on the lips. 
I am sorry for the long post here. Some of you may read it some may not. I have never cheated or been unfaithful and still would not even after no sex for a year. I just am not sure how to proceed anymore. I love her, but not sure if she still feels the same. I can not bare to live without my children in my life. I just have run out of room to fight or argue. I have memorized every word I wrote to her. My next step is to try and sit down and talk with her without it becoming a what about me. If I can not so that then I am left with only one way to got. Staying will cause more issues and problems in the long run so leaving is the only option. Has anyone else felt this way?


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## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

First of all you need to stop making nasty comments to her.

Once you have done that see what happens. If she still doesn't respond to you then I think you should ask to have a talk with her about what her issues are. It sounds to me as though by making these comments to her you are giving her a ready made excuse. If you take that excuse away from her she may then have to confront the real issue.

Btw I don't think it unreasonable for you to help around the house either. Looking after two kids all day must be pretty tiring and stressful. I have two nephews around the same age and they are a real handful. Try helping out without having to be asked, women really appreciate it if their other half helps out without having to be nagged.


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## Lonelynacrowd (Aug 24, 2012)

thanks for the reply. I have helped out quite a bit. I agree not as much as I should. I have spoken to her in the past and that was something she brought up so I did. After weeks of my changing, the was no change from the wife. She has always had a problem with forgiveness, at least with me and can stay mad for days or weeks at a time. I finally realized that when I would make an effort to change it was just me. I would be at work or I would have a good day with her and the kids. I would be thinking "hey we are getting along great and I might get lucky tonight". Then i would remember all the other times I thought that only to be told no for one reason or another. Thats when I would make my self up set and by the end of the evening I would be in a bad mood and go right back into the ugliness. (just to be clear, I am not a naturally mean or violent person) Some days I think she is trying to get me to cheat so she can leave with a clear conscious and make sure she gets allimony.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If she is taking SSRIs, then she probably has a very low libido. By saying mean things to her, you make it even worse. You turn her off. It also true that women can bear a grudge for a very long time (my wife does). She needs to be sure you are not going to be nasty to her _ever again_. I used to say mean things to my wife when I was rejected for sex. It's taken me a couple of years to correct that. We still have little sex, but she is into it when we have it. Not ideal, but better than nothing! So, it will be a very long process and not great in your situation. But you have no option. Actually, you do, divorce!

BTW, I'm not divorced, because of the kids...


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## Lonelynacrowd (Aug 24, 2012)

I try to make an effort to be nice. I am realizing that this has gone on for so many years that it is getting to me more than it did in the past. She is taking SSRI's and I do not want her to stop. She stopped taking them while pregnant our last child 5 years ago and I almost left because of how she treated me. She has gained some weight in the last few years, I did not tell her that, she figured it out on her own, and now has more self esteme problems. She is in no way fat and ugly to me, but she is to her. I love her and made a promis to always love her forever when we married. I am old fashioned like that. I dont wont to say its good to see that others here have been through it or are going through what I am (its never good) but finding this place has let me see that I am not alone. 
For years I have just tried to focus on work or other things to take my mind off of our problems. The good side is I make great money now and know more about computers than 3/4 of the population (without going to school for it). The bad side is I have neglected my wife and family because of it. This is something I have trouble forgiving myself for.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

You are certainly not alone with your challenges. In fact what you describe is almost text book.

Read Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley, it will be an eye opening experience for you: 

Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to commit to just being nice vs making an effort to be nice. And you need to do it without expectations, particularly for sex. That's a very tall order, and the longer it goes, the more difficult it can be.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like she is very resentful. You need to change completely so she can feel at ease again. As I said before, it won't be easy and will require a long time. Hopefully, you will reap the benefits on the long term. Have thought of marriage counselling together? You might get to the bottom of your problems, as a couple.





Lonelynacrowd said:


> I try to make an effort to be nice. I am realizing that this has gone on for so many years that it is getting to me more than it did in the past. She is taking SSRI's and I do not want her to stop. She stopped taking them while pregnant our last child 5 years ago and I almost left because of how she treated me. She has gained some weight in the last few years, I did not tell her that, she figured it out on her own, and now has more self esteme problems. She is in no way fat and ugly to me, but she is to her. I love her and made a promis to always love her forever when we married. I am old fashioned like that. I dont wont to say its good to see that others here have been through it or are going through what I am (its never good) but finding this place has let me see that I am not alone.
> For years I have just tried to focus on work or other things to take my mind off of our problems. The good side is I make great money now and know more about computers than 3/4 of the population (without going to school for it). The bad side is I have neglected my wife and family because of it. This is something I have trouble forgiving myself for.


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## Lonelynacrowd (Aug 24, 2012)

I don't think she is cheating, but to be honest I wouldn't know. I do realize that I am the one who causes things to get worse. But it seems to be a one way street. I try to change but she doesn't. I have asked many times after being told its her not me that she go to the doctor. But she never would. Now I am finding that it's probably not her and it's me. I guess I am just do self centered that I never considered she would say its her when it's not. I guess I am deserving of any suffering for be so blind for so long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sounds like theres enough resentment on both sides of this fence to choke a horse.

I'd have a lets try to start over talk. where you both treat eachother like you love eachother.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

don't put this all on yourself it takes 2 to make a marriage work or fail and she has to own her part of it just like you.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Do you spend at least 15 hours a week together, without distractions?

You discovered your love language. 

Do you know her love language?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> don't put this all on yourself it takes 2 to make a marriage work or fail and she has to own her part of it just like you.


Agree. You have a bad cycle, where her needs are not met, so she feels resentful and does not meet yours, so you feel resentful and don't meet hers. Rinse and repeat.

First off, you need to fix yourself. Get in control and stop the nasty comments. Be the man you want to be and act like. Most importantly, do this for yourself - not for your wife or your marriage, but because you want to be the best man you can be. If you don't do it for yourself, your wife will sniff it out in a heartbeat and interpret it as manipluation.

Second, be aware that one week is not nearly enough time in view of the years of issues. She needs to be sure these changes are for real, and not to just get in her pants. You have a long haul so be prepared.

Finally, I am giving you advice because you posted here and I can't give any to your wife. But you do need to hold her accountable for working on your marriage. After a couple months of your improved behavior, see how she is reacting. If there is no change, a frank discussion on forgiveness and whether she ever can is in order. I am not saying everything needs to be candy and roses at that point, but if she has not thawed in the slightest and still holds on to every hurt, she may frankly be too far gone. Counseling is probably a good idea as well.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

These situations are such a slippery slope. You feel neglected, you get mean, she feels "picked on" so she doesn't exactly want to give love to someone who "picks on her".

My personal opinion is 1. marriage counseling. Having a third party in the middle is so helpful. It's as much to allow both sides to express themselves without getting wrapped up into the emotion as anything else. 2. Both of you read "The 5 Love Languages". You both receive love very differently. By the sound of it, yours is physical touch and hers is acts of service and BOTH of your love tanks are dry as a bone.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Spending time with and engaging your children is not helping your wife out around the house. It's called parenting. Since you can't bring yourself to help her, then think of it as doing your duty for your kids' sake, particularly since you can't bare to live without your children and all.

Your wife has built up a lot of resentment from the way you've treated her and the mean and hurtful things you have said. Her feelings don't flip just because you sweep a floor in order to get sex. If you find it difficult to be nice to her, then in the very least stop being mean. 

You have forgotten what it took to get your wife to fall in love with you. All of those things she came to expect, as she thought that was the type of guy you were. She didn't know at the time that you would turn into someone else and you would stop being that kind and considerate person. She misses you and resents you at the same time. Very conflicting emotions because of the two different men you have presented to her and taking her for granted.

For people like you in your situation, it is an awful thing that men and women are so different and have no idea of understanding each other and each other's needs. Very often, women are not horny. It's a natural state for men but not for women. Hormones play a very big part, in that hormones and our cycle make us horny certain days of the month, whereas most men are horny and ready all the time. For women though, the man determines her libido by the way he acts - kindness, consideration, expressions of love, alpha & beta male traits, etc. - so he turns her on by his behavior or turns her off by his behavior. It depends on his behavior. He can and does actually make the woman want him even though sex is not on her mind and hormones are not dictating her urges. In the beginning of your relationship, the excitement of falling and being in love along with the way you treated her played a big part in her desire. As life happens and kids come along, the love is no longer new and the excitement is prompted by the newness and the respnsibilities of chilldren. She changed in these positive areas though not directed at you, but you changed in negative ways that were directed at her because you felt neglected. It's the same story over and over.

You will have to show her that other guy again and become him. She needs to know she has your love and support. Most importantly, you have to understand that you cannot do things for the hope and purpose of getting lucky. This book, The Love Dare, will help you understand the meaning of love and will help you regain your wife's love and attention......and loving attention. 

And, just as you have to make the effort, your wife needs to make the effort also. She needs to understand how men tick and what motivates you. She needs to understand what sex means to you and the affect her rejection has had. You cannot tell her what you've told us here. As a woman, she doesn't understand and it all will sound ridiculous. No doubt you have already tried to tell her but again, it makes no sense to her and makes her feel like you are just trying to be manipulative. She needs to see it in writing in words and terms that will help her get the message. Ask her to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

Not everything can be found in or solved by a book though. Some things need to be expressed. You both need to be able to express yourselves in a non-threatening environment and learn how to communicate effectively and fight fairly. For that, you need marriage counseling. Please don't put it off and don't allow her to refuse to go. Make an appointment and tell her you are both going.

I don't know all the side effects of SSRIs, but I understand they seriously affect sex drive. Since she won't talk with her doctor, then you call her doctor and ask him/her to call your wife and talk to her. I have heard that adding Wellbutrin to her medication regimen helps a little in this area. Her doctor will have better advice.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Marriage is not a team sport with a scorecard.

When you come home from work, say something nice to her instead of something mean, look around the house & see a chore that needs to be done & just do it w/o saying a word or looking for appreciation & most of all an expectation for sex for dusting the furniture.

Do the above for awhile & see if you get different results in the bedroom.

I hope she responds to your email soon.


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