# 2 years of hell, need advice



## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

Okay I just typed out this whole long post and the storm knocked my power out and I lost it all. Sigh. Now I am on my iPad so please forgive any typos.
I joined TAM about a week ago but I have not felt able to post my story until today. Just too emotionally drained. I promise to try to keep this short but there are a lot of different elements to this nightmare in have been living. 
My husband and I are both 30, been together for 15 years married 10 of that. First 13 years was great, we were best friends and I could count on him for anything.
3 children, youngest is 2 years old and has major medical problems and is going to have open heart surgery very soon. (drowning in medical bills from this)

Husband was in the military for 8 years and deployed to Afghanistan 6 times, has injuries and traumatic brain injury, severe PTSD.
I have always been a stay at home mom, this was very important to my husband and I when we had our children.

My husband got out of the military 2 years ago and that is when this all started. He started a new job in a new town 2 hours away when our youngest daughter was only3 weeks old. I was very sick after my daughter was born. I was on constant antibiotics and couldn't really do much besides just try to survive and take care of my kids. 
While my husband was living in the new town before i got there he was hanging out with a friend... A toxic friend. This friend knows that my husband has a brain injury but takes him out and gets him blackout drunk and then let's him drive home. My husband never drank, even before his brain injury. With the tbi it only takes a few drinks before he blacks out and this friend knows that. This guy is 25 years older than my husband, no wife or kids and I am pretty sure he is a closeted homosexual but I have no proof of course, just my guy feeling. He went out and bought the same exact car as my husband and bought a house in our neighborhood right down the street from us. It's creepy.
So my husband started being very verbally abusive to me, calling me names, fat ugly, stupid and just telling me what a worthless piece of crap I was. He would show up drunk at important events or not show up at all when i was counting on him. I told him he needed to stay away from this "friend" of his because that is when all the trouble started.

So he stays away from him for 6 months and everything was great. I finally felt like we were getting back to normal, like there was a chance that we could save this marriage. He did t drink at all foir that whole 6 months. 

Then the guy starts calling, texting And emailing and finally my husband agreed to go and have lunch with him, that led to getting drunk at 2pm and crashing his car in to some older woman- luckily she was okay but his car was totalled. His lawyer got him off with not even a ticket, no consequences for what he did. We then had to go out and buy him a new car. 

I threw him out for a week. My kids blamed me for being mean to their daddy and saying that I was horrible and they wanted to go live with him. So I let him come back so that I wouldn't be the bad guy anymore. 
Now on to what made me join this site last week.

Husband was away on a business trip, this is nothing new, he traveles all the time for work. We have never had any problems during these trips, no drinking, no trust issues, nothing. On Wednesday night he texted me that he was tired and going to bed at about 10pm. Next morning I find $2,500 worth of charges on our credit card from a strip club. This is new, he has never been to one of these places before. I question him about it, he lies and says that someone stole his credit card. Truth eventually comes out when I say I am calling the police.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I do everything for him. I know after I had my third baby I was a little overweight, I am 129 lbs now, I know that is not the best but I am I desperately trying to lost the rest of it. He never wants to have sex with me but he will spend $2,500 to get a stripper to rub herself on him? He claims there was no sex but jfor that much money I think he got something. Have I mentioned that we are drowning in medical bills and $2,500 is a lot of money to us? That very same day he gave me a hard time for stopping to get fast food while I was out because we needed to save the money.

I am just devastated at this point. I wonder what else he has lied to me about. Why would he even go to a strip club? I would give him anything he wants sexually but he doesn't want it from me anymore. Where did my best friend go? I am so lonely. My family lives 1,000 miles away and just tells me that it is not his fault that he acts like this and I just need to get over it.

I am so stressed out. I love who my husband used to be, I want that guy back but he seems to be gone. He goes to therapy but it doesn't do any good. I tried to get him to go to couples therapy but he went and got drunk with his wonderful friend and showed up 5 minutes before the appointment was over screaming at me and telling me it was my fault that we needed therapy in the first place. 
He is begging me to give him another chance... That would be chance # 1000001. I feel like an idiot. I am so beaten down I don't even know who I am anymore. I have been fighting for this marriage for 2 years and it is just getting worse. I feel like I am slipping in to a depression or anxiety or something. I am always shaky and I feel like there is a fist permenantly implanted in my stomach. I have never dealt with depression before but I think this might be what this is.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Where do I go from here? Do I give him endless chances? When is enough, enough? Please help.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You leave him, for once and for all. He is not going to change. You are enabling him to keep treating you like dirt. $2500 buys you a LOT more than just a look at a strip club. He cheated. Among a whole host of other things. Repeatedly.

I don't need to tell you this. You know this. You just don't want it to be happening, which is totally normal. Make the decision TODAY that you will no longer be his whipping dog.

Hugs to you too. It sucks


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Ptsd?


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

Drover said:


> Ptsd?


Post traumatic stress disorder, from what he went through when he was deployed overseas. Sorry I thought people knew what that meant.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You leave him, for once and for all. He is not going to change. You are enabling him to keep treating you like dirt. $2500 buys you a LOT more than just a look at a strip club. He cheated. Among a whole host of other things. Repeatedly.
> 
> I don't need to tell you this. You know this. You just don't want it to be happening, which is totally normal. Make the decision TODAY that you will no longer be his whipping dog.
> 
> Hugs to you too. It sucks


I just keep thinking about the good times, we had 13 great years. I just want to believe there is still a chance we can recover from this. We have 3 kids to think about too.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Betrayed&Confused said:


> Post traumatic stress disorder, from what he went through when he was deployed overseas. Sorry I thought people knew what that meant.


Oh yeah. I missed it in the post somehow. I was just guessing that was the problem. He needs more or better therapy. Maybe a support group of some kind would help too.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You've both been through a lot, but he's NOT helping with this mess.

My advice? Tell him he has had ENOUGH chances! Tell him you are through cleaning up his messes and trying to hold everything together for everybody.

Tell him if he wants to remain MARRIED then he must meet ALL OF THE FOLLOWING requirements:
1. Drop this toxic friend FOREVER. It's toxic friend or it's the family, but he can no longer have both.
2. He quits drinking TODAY. He starts with Al Anon and gets sober for himself, his kids and his wife.
3. Tell him you BOTH GO TOGETHER and get tested for STDs THIS WEEK.
4. He will get into INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING to work on his issues.
5. He will NOT disappoint the kids of the extended family by being a no-show at family events (unless work or therapy conflicts).

If he is unwilling to meet ANY of those requirements, he should just tell you so NOW and save you both a lot of time and aggravation.

The FIRST TIME he violates ANY of these 5 rules, he is out the door PERMANENTLY. You WILL be filing for divorce and he is free to go out and screw up his life all he likes -- but he will NOT be taking you and the children down with him.

I have to tell you NOT to expect him to make it. It would be nice, but I don't think his heart will be in it. It sounds to me like you two have NEVER DATED anyone else. I think your husband is now feeling tied down (with a wife and 3 kids -- especially the added stress of one of them being very ill) and wishes he was single or at least had a shot at a single life when he was younger (so he'd at least have the memories.)

No offense meant, but THIS IS EXACTLY WHY everyone advises against young marriages. People are all too often regretful of missing out on their youth and other dating/social opportunities.

Good luck, and if you want your life to get better for you AND your kids, YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY from this marriage if your husband can't pull himself out of his drinking binges. You can no longer afford the luxury of being a SAHM, you will HAVE to get a job. So, get started on a resume and start looking for employment agencies.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Drover said:


> Oh yeah. I missed it in the post somehow. I was just guessing that was the problem. He needs more or better therapy. Maybe a support group of some kind would help too.


That and maybe you can ask that you go with him to one of his continuing therapy session. Does the military offer anything to spouses on how to deal with the PTSD? I can only imagine how painful this is for you and your children and I'm sorry.

I wouldn't know how to react to this kind of change except I do know that you have to be strong for you and your children and this situation is not proving healthy for you. As hard as it may be, the only way to see if he will EVER change might be to file for divorce and let him know you are serious about this and follow through if nothing changes  {{{HUGS}}}

Good luck to you and your family


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## JamesStevl (Sep 19, 2012)

He needs more or better therapy. Maybe a support group of some kind would help too.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Perhaps medication would help? Does he have a doctor that is treating his brain injury?

I feel so bad for you and him. He serves his country and now will never be the same. Is wrecking havoc on his family to boot. I am so sorry.


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## CraigW (Jul 7, 2012)

Damn.. There are more issues here than most people have to deal with in lifetime. 

Not to make excuses for him but he seems to need more extensive therapy for the PTSD. 
He might be self-medicating with the alcohol abuse. You're right about the toxic friend. 
He needs to go so your husband can do the work to make him well again. If he is not willing to 
do the work, then you have no choice. 
You also have a sick child to deal with. You should also look for support groups
( military wives, al anon, children's heart disease groups) and lean on them. 

You have a lot on your plate. Keep moving forward. Improve yourself and if your husband is still
unwilling to move foward, you have to leave him behind. 

Good luck and hang in there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bahbahsheep (Sep 6, 2012)

I think the main issue here is his brain injury as there has been evidence showing that temperament changes after the brain has undergone stressful events.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

In a way I can relate to this as the husband of a bipolar wife. It wasn't something she asked for. It's not something she wants. I love her and I know it's worse for her to have it than it is for me to deal with it. But it's an illness that does affect my family very much.

He served his country and ended up with this as a result. It's hard to just quit on him knowing this is a form of mental illness he got as a result of that. I would say deal with it as best you can for as long as you can and do everything you can to help him get as much help as he can.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Betrayed and Confused
> I am just devastated at this point.
> I am so beaten down I don't even know who I am anymore
> I have been fighting for this marriage for 2 years and it is just getting worse.
> I feel like I am slipping in to a depression or anxiety or something.


B&C
First you are going to have to save yourself and your children. I am going to guess at what you need to do but please get a professional to help you.

You are going to have to do two things:

1	Do whatever you have to do to get yourself some relief. This may call for doing something tough but this is a must
2	See if you can coordinate number one above to help your husband at the same time. This too will be very hard.


What I had in mind was for you to do something like you did some time ago. Separate from him and let him start to pay some consequences for his actions. This time make sure that if he comes back that some real change actions are set up and followed.

This will be hard on you but this is the kind of action that has caught the attention of many good men that are going whacko. Look at your situation, you said that you had him leave for a week and he came back. He must have wanted to come back. He must start to pay for his consequences before he will be jarred out of his mind set. 

Yes he may need medial treatment but that is pretty much out of your control. What is not out of your control is to separate from him so that he cannot run you down with his words and other ways.

You will have to get stronger and have support because you will be susceptible to getting weak and letting him back in like you did last time. Your children will pull at your heart but remember if you and your husband get better they will recover nicely.

It is obvious that there is something wrong in your marriage and that something is not going to be corrected without some bold actions.

Yes he may choose the wrong responses but what do you have to loose. You cannot go on like it is. If he is a good man then he will eventually choose his family over drink and things. If he chooses to be a loser then you will have to adjust your life to be without him. Millions have done it and so can you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This is horrible. I think there is much to the $2500 than what he confessed. Did you see the transaction ? Was it in a strip club ? Or was it a cash advance ? Get him to tell whatever happened. Something does not seem right.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Whoa- I am so impressed with your stamina. An ill child and a husband with a tbi. You need all the pampering you can get. Get people to watch your kids and go out to the spa, etc. Relax for awhile and remove yourself from the situation. It always helps me to see more clearly. Then you can see some solutions maybe. 
You know, he might not have cheated on you. If he gets black out drunk after a couple, hell, he might not even remember going into the place. They might have raked him over without even a lap dance. If strippers can get money without having to do anything, I think that they would. 
Lieing about the charges was a bad move. But, at least he was somewhat ashamed. Those places should be shut down. 
It is such a hard position you are in. From the outside, we all have empathy for your husband and can see his injury as being the cause of most of his problems for years to come. But for you, this is your partner that you have to rely on and have known for years. You expect things of your partner and it's such a loss when they just can't do it. 
My husband suffers from depression and when he got on meds a couple months ago, he really changed. He does more now. But, there are still times when things slide back down. I felt like I lost my best friend, partner, etc. my everything when he was depressed. But, I was so pissed, because yeah, he promised to be here for me always and he just couldn't. Sucks. Probably going to take us alot of therapy, etc. I am joining a support group and I don't have half of your worries.They say that about half of spouses with depressed other halves get depressed too. Good luck
Oh, and the "friend" could also be taking advantage of him monetarily when he is drunk. Just a possibility.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

It sounds like you had 13 wonderful years with a man that no longer exists. He has changed to his core, his mind is jumbled up, perhaps damaged, he has emotional issues and even though he knows he shouldn't drink, he does anyway. He wants to have fun and hang with his toxic friends and perhaps views you as the Mommie figure telling what he can and can't do.

This does not sound like a husband, it sounds like you have another child. This is how he is now. There is no going back. You know you can feel that he is no longer the man you married. 

For the protection of your sanity and your children, you might want to weigh your options. You are never going to change him, no matter how much you cry, beg, leave, etc. 

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You must mourn the man you once loved and move on because this situation is not going to get better. God, I hate saying that to someone in pain, I really do. But the sooner you do what is best for you and your children, you can hit the reset button and continue on with your life. You will still have great memories of him, but the man he is now sounds dangerous and damaged.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You've both been through a lot, but he's NOT helping with this mess.
> 
> My advice? Tell him he has had ENOUGH chances! Tell him you are through cleaning up his messes and trying to hold everything together for everybody.
> 
> ...


B&C, I'm sorry that this is the path your husband's Army career is heading to! I was a drug and alcohol counselor when I was on active duty, just so you understand where I'm coming from here.

SlowlyGettingWiser's post is an excellent one for where your marriage is now (except your husband needs AA, not Al-Anon, for drinking behaviors. Al-Anon is for the family members and loved ones of an alcoholic, while AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is for those whose drinking causes problems. 

Is your husband getting disability and/or medical care through the VA? What is happening with that?

I am also in agreement with the poast that someone likely took advantage of you guys when he drank at a strip club if he blacks out easily. If toxic pal was there, and you use the methods Slowly described, it may be able to prevent this from happening again - or any of the other problems related to it. You said he dumped him for a while and things improved. 

I don't know enough particulars, but if he wants to dump toxic friend and doesn't know how, and if your family thinks his behavior changes are entirely due to his TBI, you might consider whether guardianship is warranted. It might not be, but there's not enough in your post to make it clear whether it would or wouldn't benefit him.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> This is horrible. I think there is much to the $2500 than what he confessed. Did you see the transaction ? Was it in a strip club ? Or was it a cash advance ? Get him to tell whatever happened. Something does not seem right.


They were charges straight from the strip club. Not cash advances or anything like that. He doesnt actually remember giving them his credit card but they swiped it in 6 transactions totaling about $2,500. He says he was blacked out and I believe him because it only takes about 3 drinks to get him to that point. 

This is the same guy that tells me if he spends $5 at Starbucks. He never spends a dime without telling me about it so this whole thing is very out of character for him.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, the guy you married doesn't exist any more sorry to say.

There's no reason you can't move on without him as your husband but stay in touch. If and when he does what he needs to do to heal, then maybe you could have something together again. Who knows. But right now it doesn't sound like you can, and you need to take care of YOU, and your kids.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You've both been through a lot, but he's NOT helping with this mess.
> 
> My advice? Tell him he has had ENOUGH chances! Tell him you are through cleaning up his messes and trying to hold everything together for everybody.
> 
> ...


Thanks you very much for the reply. I have told him all of this about a week ago and so far so good. He agreed to everything with no problem. He is not happy with the things that he has been doing. I actually offered to let him move out and go live a single guy life and he said that is absolutely not what he wants. 

He called the toxic friend and told him that he can no longer be friends or have any contact as he is trying to save his marriage, not to text, email or call him ever again. We actually blocked the toxic friends phone # from being able to call or text my husbands phone (we did this through the phone company). We also blocked emails from this person and my husband deleted his linkedin account because the "friend" was trying to contact him that way. Now the "friend" keeps sending him requests to sign up for a new linkedin account. My husband showed me the emails and then deleted them.

I am holding out hope that we can get our marriage back on the right track. I know that might not happen but I am going to try with everything I have before I give up and walk away from this marriage. I just hope he is trying as hard as I am.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> B&C, I'm sorry that this is the path your husband's Army career is heading to! I was a drug and alcohol counselor when I was on active duty, just so you understand where I'm coming from here.
> 
> SlowlyGettingWiser's post is an excellent one for where your marriage is now (except your husband needs AA, not Al-Anon, for drinking behaviors. Al-Anon is for the family members and loved ones of an alcoholic, while AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) is for those whose drinking causes problems.
> 
> ...



He gets VA disability money every month but thats about it. He has been asking the VA for therapy for the TBI and PTSD for a long time now and they just say there is nothing available. They just handed him a bunch of pills that caused some really horrible side effects and to get your meds changed it is about a 3 month wait for another appointment. Dealing with the VA is a nightmare so we just put him in therapy on our own and pay out of pocket for it. 

And yes I believe that someone definitely took advantage of the state he was in at the strip club. He was only there for 2 hours so there is no possible way he spent all that money himself. He doesnt even remember anything besides walking in the front door of the place. 

And yes when he stopped talking to the toxic friend for 6 months everything improved and our life was getting back to normal. The "friend" knows that my husband is weak and hates to tell people no so he takes advantage of him. There was even one time the toxic friend was threatening to commit suicide and got my husband to come to his house that way. It is insane, I wish this person never came into our lives.


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## Betrayed&Confused (Sep 11, 2012)

Drover said:


> In a way I can relate to this as the husband of a bipolar wife. It wasn't something she asked for. It's not something she wants. I love her and I know it's worse for her to have it than it is for me to deal with it. But it's an illness that does affect my family very much.
> 
> He served his country and ended up with this as a result. It's hard to just quit on him knowing this is a form of mental illness he got as a result of that. I would say deal with it as best you can for as long as you can and do everything you can to help him get as much help as he can.


Thank you for the reply. It sounds like you understand where I am coming from. What happened to him is not his fault and he doesnt seem happy with his actions. He cries and says he is sorry a million times a day. He doesnt want to be this way. How can I just give up on him?


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