# Your affection comfort zone



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Ok so I had a discussion with a guy I went on a few dates with and I want to know what all of your viewpoints are.

I was surprised with this guy because I guess he has a really really low tolerance for affection..IMO. Maybe it's because I'm coming out of a marriage with my XH who had such a huge desire for affection that I was never ever giving enough. Now with this guy he's telling me I'm "extra" (which I guess is slang for 'too much'). 

He had mentioned before how affectionate I was, but the discussion really came out after we watched a movie together. Here and there I would reach over and just leave my hand on his arm, and at one point about halfway through the movie I was trying to put my arm under his, and he kind of looked at me funny. I mean what's the big deal, it's a dark movie theater? Afterwards I made a joke about affection and that's what started the conversation. Basically he said that someone wanting too much affection (I guess in his view what is "too much") shows signs of insecurity. He feels like his SO should "know" he's going to be there, it's ok, relax. Affection is for private time. I told him I understand that everyone's viewpoints and tolerance for affection and PDA is different. And we pretty much left it at that. 

I thought maybe he was just setting boundaries, but to be honest, I found his viewpoint a little hypocritical because he liked it in a lot of situations. He encouraged it really. For instance he'd say, "you're so extra, I love it", but then in another sentence say it like it's a bad thing. So then here and there he'd get weird about it. I'm talking simple things like arm caresses, hand holding, hand on leg, etc. He was also terrible at reciprocating it. So obviously this is just not going to work. But now I'm curious.... 

I'm sure everyone's "meter" is different, but how much affection do you like to give/receive, and at what point do you feel like a SO can want too much affection? 
What is your personal 'comfort zone' for affection and PDA?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

There is no such thing as too much affection in my book.

Ok, I'm not talking about making out in public or inappropriate PDAs, but to resist your touch in a darkened movie theater is a huge red flag for me. Plus, I think his little comments about you being "so extra" are a bit snarky and immature.

For whatever reason, he seems uncomfortable with human touch. Not a good sign. Would he be this way with his own children? Not good at all.

SO and I touch all the time. We hold hands or walk arm-in-arm going into stores. He will reach over and place his hand on my leg in the car. And we always touch eachother at the movies. He will usually lift the arm rest between the theater seats and pull me over to lean against him.

I think it's time to toss this one back.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

lol he sounds like kind of a douche,sorry!

My whole life I hated being touched,til DH of course,but even I wouldn't have brought up a movie theater arm rub or whatever as too much. 
Sounds like this boy has no clue what he wants for real hence the mixed messages. 

In the future he should write out a list for acceptable situations for affection vs unacceptable. 

My personal comfort zone with DH is this...I do NOT like it when he's in my face up close unless it's for kissing or during sex. This whole "let us touch noses while we sleep like angels" bs is NOT ok with me. Thankfully he knows that and respects it bc otherwise he'd be ALL in my face ALL the time LOL

Other than that,anything goes. We were driving the other day and he was getting grabby (awesome considering the issues we've had the last couple weeks) and some girl was walking by and saw him kissing my neck and grabbing my breast while I'm sitting at the stoplight. The look on her face...ROFL

Obviously for PDA there are limits but in private why not have a snuggle fest as often as possible? If my husband dies tomorrow I want to know I got to touch his beautiful body as often as possible til the end.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Red flag, IMO. Next he'll be saying you want too much sex!

I suppose different people have different needs, and as long as they are matched with their SO, it's all good. For me/us, affection is a barometer of the health of the relationship. High affection, clear and sunny. Low affection, stormy times ahead.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, I'm not talking about making out in public or inappropriate PDAs, but to resist your touch in a darkened movie theater is a huge red flag for me. Plus, I think his little comments about you being "so extra" are a bit snarky and immature.
> 
> For whatever reason, he seems uncomfortable with human touch. Not a good sign. Would he be this way with his own children? Not good at all.
> 
> ...


I agree. No need for public makeout sessions all the time but I didn't find the movie theater to be a big deal. He's getting the toss



ScarletBegonias said:


> lol he sounds like kind of a douche,sorry!
> 
> My whole life I hated being touched,til DH of course,but even I wouldn't have brought up a movie theater arm rub or whatever as too much.
> Sounds like this boy has no clue what he wants for real hence the mixed messages.
> ...


Ummm....I tend to attract douches so I'm not suprised!!
I can cuddle a little bit in bed, but to fall asleep (and stay asleep) I can't have someone all over me or in my face either *my side/your side* is important lol 

That's hilarious about your car makeout session. :smthumbup:





ScarletBegonias said:


> Obviously for PDA there are limits but in private why not have a snuggle fest as often as possible? If my husband dies tomorrow I want to know I got to touch his beautiful body as often as possible til the end.


:iagree:


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Red flag, IMO. Next he'll be saying you want too much sex!
> 
> I suppose different people have different needs, and as long as they are matched with their SO, it's all good. For me/us, affection is a barometer of the health of the relationship. High affection, clear and sunny. Low affection, stormy times ahead.


You know I thought the same thing! My mind went long-term and I was just imagining if our affection doesn't match now, what would it be like in the bedroom! Red flag for sure


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I am a HUGE touchie/feelie (sp?) person. In general I love to touch the people I care about, even when talking I may touch one's arm or shoulder. I usually greet my friends with a hug and kiss on the cheek. In return I LOVE getting affection back, especially from hubs in either private or public settings


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd probably be considered "over the top" affectionate, I'd drive someone like this man CRAZY.. but then again, I'd be over the top Annoyed with him & we'd never last, one comment about insecurity cause a woman wants to feel her man & be close...(and in a dark movie theater- what is wrong with him!)... he'd be out the door... 

I guess some look at that as "Clingy" -in a negative connotation.. and that's fine...they just need to meet up with a woman who feels the same.. they are out there.. plenty of men can attest !! 

I would see this as a Love Language mismatch personally....some can get past this and learn to DO for the other "enough" to make them feel loved but if their heart & enjoyment really isn't into it... it is going to cause problems down the road...

Better to learn now.. and part ways..


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

He sounds like a classic committmentphobe that I dated many moons ago. He used to say that my wanting to be close to him was a sign of insecurity too. Yah, whatever, lol.

I too think it's simply a case of mismatch. Some people don't like being touched and that's ok. Others like a lot of touch and that's ok too. Not sure what options there are here if any, neither of you should have to change who you are to suit the other.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Great women giving great advice!!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Allow me to use a graphic aid:

View attachment 26434


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

struggle said:


> I found his viewpoint a little hypocritical because he liked it in a lot of situations. He encouraged it really. For instance he'd say, "you're so extra, I love it", but then in another sentence say it like it's a bad thing. So then here and there he'd get weird about it. I'm talking simple things like arm caresses, hand holding, hand on leg, etc. He was also terrible at reciprocating it. So obviously this is just not going to work. But now I'm curious....
> 
> I'm sure everyone's "meter" is different, but how much affection do you like to give/receive, and at what point do you feel like a SO can want too much affection?
> What is your personal 'comfort zone' for affection and PDA?


I hope you're serious about seeing that you and this man aren't very compatible, at least in this important way! 

Me... I am not a touchy-feely type. I was severely sexually abused for most of my childhood and am quite reserved with people who are not sexual partners. With a sexual partner, my degree of affection offered and accepted depends a LOT on my trust level, good will toward him, and so on. 

My husband is my best friend, and I'm more affectionate with him than I have ever been in the past. We kiss and touch every time we are near. When we watch tv together, I'm lying back against him with his arm around me, or sitting with my feet in his lap. We hold hands and hug in public often, with pecks here and there (rarely deep kissing though it sometimes happens). However, we do not cuddle while sleeping very often. Shrug.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I like to recieve and give as much affection as possible. It's never enough.

Sounds like this guy is NOT for you OP. Sounds a bit douchey.....DO NOT proceed.

Next


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Ditto! I am VERY affectionate with those I love.......but it takes a while for me to get there. I am probably "extra" as well. LOL! But having said that, I wouldn't shy away from a quick caress or a hand hold unless I just wasn't into someone. Then I have been known to literally bolt away. HAHA! Even my own parents I have a hard time hugging for whatever reason. I'm just now getting comfortable hugging my BF's parents. 

My ex was anti-touch. He blamed it on being in the military where PDA is not allowed. (I still saw soldiers holding thier wives hands, even in uniform and I used to get a little jealous.) But he wasn't very touchy feely even out of uniform or in private. Except when he wanted to paw at me for sex. (Which was actually a turn off since I craved it other times and he refused to bother.)

My BF and I are super compatible in this area. It's MUCH nicer.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am super touchy-feely with a partner, to me there is no such thing as TOO MUCH affection! I even put this in my dating site profiles, because it is just that important to me. If a guy is put off by being touched a lot, then I would probably drive him nuts and we wouldnt work, so I figure I can weed those out by including it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

struggle said:


> Now with this guy he's telling me I'm "extra" (which I guess is slang for 'too much').
> 
> ....For instance he'd say, "you're so extra, I love it", but then in another sentence say it like it's a bad thing.


Sorry, I got stuck at him calling you "extra". Do people really talk like that? I'm rather afraid that, in an of itself, would have been a deal breaker for me.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

One of the best parts of my marriage has got to be the affection. My husband knows that I love to be touched and kissed and he does it often. One of my favorite things in the world is when we are out together and he puts his hand lightly on the small of my back like he is supporting me while we stand in a line at the grocery or walking through a doorway. Those little things help you stay close to your spouse. I hope you ditch him. Agree with others. What a douche!


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