# My wife feels numb towards me



## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 3 and a half years, since the turn of the year we have became a little distant and I allowed a work colleague into my life a little much and let her cross a few boundaries, even though my wife told me she wasn’t comfortable with it I carried on and didn’t realise the damage I was doing, I lied to her about speaking to this person but it was never nothing more than friendship on my part. 
2 weeks ago my wife just came out with it saying that she was numb towards me, she still says she loves me but isn’t sure how she feels, I am trying to make it up to her but keep asking her questions about how she feels and I can see it’s annoying her, I don’t want to push her away further, we have 2 young kids and a house together, I want us to get back to where we used to be,


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

So I am guessing you had some type of emotional affair. 

Are you sure she is not haveing an affair now? If not then... 

You need to read how to help your spouse heal from your affair... Get the book, start there.

There is a lot more but start there.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I want us to get back to where we used to be,


Back to where you can blow off your wife's concerns, have lousy personal boundaries, take up with a female coworker and lie to your wife with impunity? Don't see it happening.

You need to stop lying to yourself. If you had really viewed the coworker as just a friend, you would not have felt the need to lie to your wife. The fact is you placed higher value on that coworker than you did your wife.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most don’t change. Or will revert back. 

You knew what you were doing but did it anyway. When you get something along the lines of I love you but I’m not in love with you it’s usually over and unrecoverable.

Good luck, you’ll need it


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 3 and a half years, since the turn of the year we have became a little distant and I allowed a work colleague into my life a little much and let her cross a few boundaries, even though my wife told me she wasn’t comfortable with it I carried on and didn’t realise the damage I was doing, I lied to her about speaking to this person but it was never nothing more than friendship on my part.
> 2 weeks ago my wife just came out with it saying that she was numb towards me, she still says she loves me but isn’t sure how she feels, I am trying to make it up to her but keep asking her questions about how she feels and I can see it’s annoying her, I don’t want to push her away further, we have 2 young kids and a house together, I want us to get back to where we used to be,


It’s a matter of respect. She clearly told you how it made her feel. You’re relationship seemed fine before this happened...is that right? Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? Treat others the way you want to be treated.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You had an emotional affair (at least) and now that she is treating you with the same disdain that you showed her, you are on high alert and want to have your wife back. She likely did the work to emotionally detach from you when you persisted in hurting her so badly with your affair.

You may not be able to recover this, but you can at least offer to be the spouse you should have been: Stop all contact with your 'not just a friend'; be an open book with your phone, email, etc.; be honest in everything you do and say to your wife; show her that you have the proper boundaries for a married man.

Honestly, I would be very hurt by this if it were done to me. The fact that she expressed her discomfort and you disregarded her and just kept it up is both typical and a sign of huge disrespect.

You have your work cut out for you. Best of luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 3 and a half years, since the turn of the year we have became a little distant and I allowed a work colleague into my life a little much and let her cross a few boundaries, even though my wife told me she wasn’t comfortable with it I carried on and didn’t realise the damage I was doing, I lied to her about speaking to this person but it was never nothing more than friendship on my part.
> 
> 2 weeks ago my wife just came out with it saying that she was numb towards me, she still says she loves me but isn’t sure how she feels, I am trying to make it up to her but keep asking her questions about how she feels and I can see it’s annoying her, I don’t want to push her away further, we have 2 young kids and a house together, I want us to get back to where we used to be,


You have to prove to your wife that you can be trusted.

Does the other woman still work with you?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> You have to prove to your wife that you can be trusted.
> 
> Does the other woman still work with you?


Yes the other woman still works with me, I have said I’ll quit my job and work in a new place, I have also deleted all my social media to show that I have no intentions of speaking to this person again


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

alte Dame said:


> You had an emotional affair (at least) and now that she is treating you with the same disdain that you showed her, you are on high alert and want to have your wife back. She likely did the work to emotionally detach from you when you persisted in hurting her so badly with your affair.
> 
> You may not be able to recover this, but you can at least offer to be the spouse you should have been: Stop all contact with your 'not just a friend'; be an open book with your phone, email, etc.; be honest in everything you do and say to your wife; show her that you have the proper boundaries for a married man.
> 
> ...


I also forgot to mention why I was speaking to the co worker, she was also messaging an old flame and a married man behind my back, I have also been clinically depressed for the last few years which isn’t an excuse but hasn’t helped matters


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> It’s a matter of respect. She clearly told you how it made her feel. You’re relationship seemed fine before this happened...is that right? Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel? Treat others the way you want to be treated.


Yes before this we have been fine the odd argument here and there, she has always put provocative pictures on her social media accounts and had derogatory comments made to her about these, she’s also taken time to message to men whilst I was messaging my co worker, and I have also had clinical depression for the last couple of years and not got to grips with it, she still stays in the same house as me and shares the same bedroom, but then also says she wants space


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Yes before this we have been fine the odd argument here and there, she has always put provocative pictures on her social media accounts and had derogatory comments made to her about these, she’s also taken time to message to men whilst I was messaging my co worker, and I have also had clinical depression for the last couple of years and not got to grips with it, she still stays in the same house as me and shares the same bedroom, but then also says she wants space


Her behavior is not good either. If she was messaging other men while you were involved with the other woman, it's not surprising. About 50% of betrayed spouses have a revenge affair.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Her behavior is not good either. If she was messaging other men while you were involved with the other woman, it's not surprising. About 50% of betrayed spouses have a revenge affair.


She has cheated in previous relationships and in our first relationship she did on me, I have always shut down the coworker on inappropriate comments and never seen it as more than a friendship, yes I shouldn’t have spoke to her out of work hours as I was asked to do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Yes the other woman still works with me, I have said I’ll quit my job and work in a new place, I have also deleted all my social media to show that I have no intentions of speaking to this person again


If you and your wife stay together, you will need to get a new job. As long as you working with the other woman, the affair really is not over. 

Here is a link to a book that might help you. There are other books sold that deal with how to rebuild trust and repair a marriage after infidelity.

*Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity*


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> If you and your wife stay together, you will need to get a new job. As long as you working with the other woman, the affair really is not over.
> 
> Here is a link to a book that might help you. There are other books sold that deal with how to rebuild trust and repair a marriage after infidelity.
> 
> *Not 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity*


She is still staying in the same house an bed as me, she does give me a kiss when we leave for work, but then some times she’s I am a bit to full on and she doesn’t know if she’s going to leave, I ask if she wants to try and fix this an she will say I think so but don’t know so I get mixed signals


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like you are both suited to each other, both like to dabble in emotional and physical affairs. You both sound young and inexperienced at marriage. 
I would suggest that if you are under lock-down right now that you spend the time asking questions of each other and finding out whether you want this marriage to continue.
Have frank, open discussions, lay out on the table what is bothering each of you. Compile a jar of questions and work through them one by one agreeing to rules such as not yelling, removing yourself when things get heated or emotional. There is no moving forward without honest, transparency and a willingness to forgive and move on together or apart. 
The longer the issues are swept under the carpet, then you will eventually trip over them and end in a divorce. Your call.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

aine said:


> Sounds like you are both suited to each other, both like to dabble in emotional and physical affairs. You both sound young and inexperienced at marriage.
> I would suggest that if you are under lock-down right now that you spend the time asking questions of each other and finding out whether you want this marriage to continue.
> Have frank, open discussions, lay out on the table what is bothering each of you. Compile a jar of questions and work through them one by one agreeing to rules such as not yelling, removing yourself when things get heated or emotional. There is no moving forward without honest, transparency and a willingness to forgive and move on together or apart.
> The longer the issues are swept under the carpet, then you will eventually trip over them and end in a divorce. Your call.


We are only young we’re 28 and 26, we are also under lock down, I have asked for us to have a discussion but the only answers i get at the moment are I don’t know, everything I ask is I don’t know, we have both done wrong and I can admit that, she sees that she hasn’t done anything wrong, the fact she still stays in the same house and bed I have to take as a positive


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Yes before this we have been fine the odd argument here and there, she has always put provocative pictures on her social media accounts and had derogatory comments made to her about these, she’s also taken time to message to men whilst I was messaging my co worker, and I have also had clinical depression for the last couple of years and not got to grips with it, she still stays in the same house as me and shares the same bedroom, but then also says she wants space


So both of you have step outside of the marriage to get validation from someone else? If you’re desire is for things to go back like before, both of you need to talk openly and honestly. There are two kids involved here....and they are the ones that also need to be considered in your decisions. What kind of example is important for you and your wife to show your kids what marriage is supposed to be like?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> So both of you have step outside of the marriage to get validation from someone else? If you’re desire is for things to go back like before, both of you need to talk openly and honestly. There are two kids involved here....and they are the ones that also need to be considered in your decisions. What kind of example is important for you and your wife to show your kids what marriage is supposed to be like?


I never did it for validation I don’t really know why I did, I think I just did it because I thought I knew best when clearly I didn’t, I try and talk openly but just get shut down with the same comment of “I don’t know” or she brings up every little thing that has ever gone wrong, I truly do not know how I will cope without her and especially with the depression I am going through at the moment I am starting to worry myself


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I never did it for validation I don’t really know why I did, I think I just did it because I thought I knew best when clearly I didn’t, I try and talk openly but just get shut down with the same comment of “I don’t know” or she brings up every little thing that has ever gone wrong, I truly do not know how I will cope without her and especially with the depression I am going through at the moment I am starting to worry myself


How did it make you feel as a man and husband seeing provocative pictures of your wife and her messaging other men. How long has that been going on? What’s happened to cause you to feel depressed?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> How did it make you feel as a man and husband seeing provocative pictures of your wife and her messaging other men. How long has that been going on? What’s happened to cause you to feel depressed?


The provocative pictures were 18/24 months ago and it made me feel like utter rubbish, when I told her this she did delete them all, the messages did make me feel angry and hurt, I had a lot of incidents in a short space of time which made me depressed, my uncle ended his life, a few days later we was in the Ariana grande bombing, we also nearly lost our daughter on our honey, it all got on top of me, she saved my life through the depression and I owe her a lot, she is my wife I hold my hands up I messed up I shouldn’t have done what I did I’m ashamed of myself


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Joshsmith28 said:


> The provocative pictures were 18/24 months ago and it made me feel like utter rubbish, when I told her this she did delete them all, the messages did make me feel angry and hurt, I had a lot of incidents in a short space of time which made me depressed, my uncle ended his life, a few days later we was in the Ariana grande bombing, we also nearly lost our daughter on our honey, it all got on top of me, she saved my life through the depression and I owe her a lot, she is my wife I hold my hands up I messed up I shouldn’t have done what I did I’m ashamed of myself


Listen....We all make mistakes. It seems like you’ve realized that doing what you did not solve anything. You’ve also been through traumatic experiences. Cut yourself a break. When you know better, you do better. Try and forgive yourself. I’m sure your not a bad man. Just a hurt man who allowed thoughts control his actions. We are all guilty of falling to temptation. Pay attention to the stories your telling yourself....they can lead down the right or wrong path. Take care of yourself...one day at a time.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this - you both have boundary issues. This is where you start. You've both showed some shady signs of behavior when it comes to opposite sex people.

I know this may be difficult with your depression, but my read on this is that if you begin to act happy, confident, and be helpful but not too "all over her" she will want to be a part of that. She will wonder what is going on with you and start chasing answers. Bottom line is you need to figure out how to behave so that she starts wondering what's up with you. Women typically don't chase or show interest in a man who is "too much" or "needs help". But they will get curious and engage with a man who is acting confident and pleasant.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> Sorry you are going through this - you both have boundary issues. This is where you start. You've both showed some shady signs of behavior when it comes to opposite sex people.
> 
> I know this may be difficult with your depression, but my read on this is that if you begin to act happy, confident, and be helpful but not too "all over her" she will want to be a part of that. She will wonder what is going on with you and start chasing answers. Bottom line is you need to figure out how to behave so that she starts wondering what's up with you. Women typically don't chase or show interest in a man who is "too much" or "needs help". But they will get curious and engage with a man who is acting confident and pleasant.


Thanks for the advice, I will try and act as normal as I possibly can no matter how hard it seems, I’m just petrified of losing her as she’s helped me so much in the past and I can’t believe I have betrayed her trust in such away to make her feel like this


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

When you told wife that her behaviors bothered you, she stopped the behavior. When she told you, you pushed back and then lied about it. Is that correct?

You keep saying it was never meant to be cheating "on your part," but were you aware the other woman wanted to cheat with you? If so, why did you entertain it?

For your own sake, try to figure out why you did it to begin with, then figure out why you continued when your wife called you out on it, and why you lied about it? What were you getting out of it? "Validation" of making you feel being a valuable person is a common reason why people cheat or cross boundaries. Being a KISA - knight in shining armor - feeling good helping the damsel in distress - is another common reason. Find out all of the reasons you did it.

What message should your wife take from your actions? "You care more about this other woman than you care about me." Is that it, do you think?

It's a long road back. You have to consistently prove to your wife that you want to be a better person for her. You have to prove it to your wife, every minute of every day, for a long time. Tell your wife what you are doing to fix this - starting with why you did what you did, and why you won't ever do it again. You can vet your response here, because people who are in your position are notoriously poor evaluators of what the important or right things to say are. Then come up with all of the things you are going to do to make yourself accountable, and what you will do to make your wife safe and secure that you are not doing it again. This might include deleting social media, giving her your passwords, even a keylogger or parental controls on your phones and devices, change your job, etc. For the longer type things like change your job, give her a plan as to timing and how you are going to do it, then update her periodically, at least once a week, as to how your plan is going and if you have to do to change it. Don't let your wife sit there wondering if you are still doing it, keep her informed.

Also, write down a timeline of your friendship with this other woman. When you met, how you thought about her, when things started crossing the line, when you first lied, any interactions and how you handled it, and give it to your wife so she can see and know the whole truth of how you let this happen.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 3 and a half years, since the turn of the year we have became a little distant and I allowed a work colleague into my life a little much and let her cross a few boundaries, even though my wife told me she wasn’t comfortable with it I carried on and didn’t realise the damage I was doing, I lied to her about speaking to this person but it was never nothing more than friendship on my part.
> 2 weeks ago my wife just came out with it saying that she was numb towards me, she still says she loves me but isn’t sure how she feels, I am trying to make it up to her but keep asking her questions about how she feels and I can see it’s annoying her, I don’t want to push her away further, we have 2 young kids and a house together, I want us to get back to where we used to be,


When trust is lost it is very hard to get back. Your post seems to be minimizing what boundaries you crossed. What have you done other that talk? Actions speak louder than words.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Yes the other woman still works with me, I have said I’ll quit my job and work in a new place, I have also deleted all my social media to show that I have no intentions of speaking to this person again


Find a new job is a must.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I also forgot to mention why I was speaking to the co worker, she was also messaging an old flame and a married man behind my back, I have also been clinically depressed for the last few years which isn’t an excuse but hasn’t helped matters


The OW activity has little to do with your actions. Focus on you and your actions. Own them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> She has cheated in previous relationships and in our first relationship she did on me, I have always shut down the coworker on inappropriate comments and never seen it as more than a friendship, yes I shouldn’t have spoke to her out of work hours as I was asked to do


I think you both need MC and IC.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

It sounds like you both need some intensive IC to address the plethora of issues that you both have.
After you sort and address those issues, some MC may be in order of the two of you decide to stay together.
OP, you are aware that it can take 3-5 years to work through the issue of infidelity in a marriage?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Has your wife admitted that her actions on social media (contacting other men) where wrong and damaging to the marriage as well? Has she stopped?

Her distance and request for space may be related to her activities and and not yours.

Sounds like you both need to respect each other more.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

TDSC60 said:


> Has your wife admitted that her actions on social media (contacting other men) where wrong and damaging to the marriage as well? Has she stopped?
> 
> Her distance and request for space may be related to her activities and and not yours.
> 
> Sounds like you both need to respect each other more.


No she hasn’t she thinks it’s totally normal, I have deleted my social media as I could see it was causing more problems than good, she has 11.4k followers on Instagram and won’t delete it as she says there are to many memories on there, I thought if I deleted mine she would follow but it seems to be more important to her than I thought


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> No she hasn’t she thinks it’s totally normal, I have deleted my social media as I could see it was causing more problems than good, she has 11.4k followers on Instagram and won’t delete it as she says there are to many memories on there, I thought if I deleted mine she would follow but it seems to be more important to her than I thought


You certainly need to own up to what you did.
However, she needs to do the same.
She needs to decide what is more important, your relationship or social media.
I still think both of you need IC, but I might suggest pushing up the MC, now that you have mentioned this.
I think a case might be made that she has lost some of her high ground here.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she forced you to stop the same behavior that she refuses to stop. What's wrong with this picture?

Her precious memories that she refuses to give up are actions that are damaging the marriage and very selfish. She is more committed to social media than you and the marriage. Do you really want to share a wife with 11K nameless people? Are you OK with her thinking they are more important than your marriage?

If you haven't figured it out yet, you don't have a real marriage now. You are little more than room mates. Or FWBs.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> It sounds like you both need some intensive IC to address the plethora of issues that you both have.
> After you sort and address those issues, some MC may be in order of the two of you decide to stay together.
> OP, you are aware that it can take 3-5 years to work through the issue of infidelity in a marriage?


I’m aware it will take a lot of time to sort out, I have agreed to marriage counselling and she has agreed so far, some days she will wear her wedding ring then some times she won’t, mainly when she’s at work she doesn’t wear it and never really has done, I try and act normal with her but then frustrate myself with it or up set myself, I’m mentally abusing myself over it, I am holding hope that she is just doing this to punish me but I really don’t know


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I’m aware it will take a lot of time to sort out, I have agreed to marriage counselling and she has agreed so far,* some days she will wear her wedding ring then some times she won’t, mainly when she’s at work she doesn’t wear it and never really has done,* I try and act normal with her but then frustrate myself with it or up set myself, I’m mentally abusing myself over it, I am holding hope that she is just doing this to punish me but I really don’t know


The first thing that I noticed is what I put in bold.
Unless she works around machinery or has a labor oriented job where jewelry is forbidden because it could pose a hazard, this is really questionable at best.
I'd be all over that as a topic of intense discussion.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> You certainly need to own up to what you did.
> However, she needs to do the same.
> She needs to decide what is more important, your relationship or social media.
> I still think both of you need IC, but I might suggest pushing up the MC, now that you have mentioned this.
> I think a case might be made that she has lost some of her high ground here.


Can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to never know where you stand? It also sounds exhausting to always have to analyze....and guess. Guessing doesn’t provide truth. Do you have any hobbies? Try tapping into something that will give you peace of mind outside of your relationships.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need treatment for your depression and your wife needs treatment for her problems.

And marital counselling is a must.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

No offense but neither one of you seems mature enough to be married.

But **** if my wife was posting "provocative" pictures on the internet and reaching out to other men I wouldn't be having an affair, I would be dumping her stupid ass so I could move on to real potentially positive relationship with someone else. Just think, this girl you had the affair with could have been something positive in your life if you weren't holding on to tightly to someone who is reaching out for others. Now you are just as wrong as your wife. Well maybe not just as wrong because at least you admit it.

Seriously just call it. Women like your wife are a trap. Maybe you are too though so maybe you both are just where you belong.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> You need treatment for your depression and your wife needs treatment for her problems.
> 
> And marital counselling is a must.


I am getting treatment for my depression but don’t see the point at the moment as I could lose my wife, I have said I’ll make her a doctors appointment but she refuses


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> Can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to never know where you stand? It also sounds exhausting to always have to analyze....and guess. Guessing doesn’t provide truth. Do you have any hobbies? Try tapping into something that will give you peace of mind outside of your relationships.


It’s so frustrating as I can’t do anything about it, I’m a knackered as I’m not sleeping or eating properly at the moment, I enjoy going to the gym but there all shut at the moment, everything I try to do just goes back to the relationship


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> No she hasn’t she thinks it’s totally normal, I have deleted my social media as I could see it was causing more problems than good, she has 11.4k followers on Instagram and won’t delete it as she says there are to many memories on there, I thought if I deleted mine she would follow but it seems to be more important to her than I thought


Sorry, your W social media has to go. Social media, gaming and general attachment to the computer/phone/laptop can ruin a relationship in short order. What does one gain with social media other than accolades, thumbs up and a boost of self-esteem from a bunch of faceless individuals. 11.4k follower should not mean a hill of beans in this thing we call real life. The memories can be saved, the followers can be turned off with responding if I remember correctly.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> Sorry, your W social media has to go. Social media, gaming and general attachment to the computer/phone/laptop can be ruin a relationship in short order. What does one gain with social media other than accolades, thumbs up and a boost of self-esteem from a bunch of faceless individuals. 11.4k follower should not mean a hill of beans in this thing we call real life. The memories can be saved, the followers can be turned off with responding if I remember correctly.


I have asked for it to go but she just says I am being controlling, she has since made the profile private but for how long I don’t know, she also said she would go through her followers and remove them but as far as I know this still hasn’t happened and really I don’t think it will, I just need an answer on if she is going to leave or not, or if she actually wants to make a go of it


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I have asked for it to go but she just says I am being controlling, she has since made the profile private but for how long I don’t know, she also said she would go through her followers and remove them but as far as I know this still hasn’t happened and really I don’t think it will, I just need an answer on if she is going to leave or not, or if she actually wants to make a go of it


It is not controlling IMO. It is a reasonable request. It is a program that is not really necessary in the large scheme of things we call life. Sure, your W can keep it private, however, you should have all PW to each program and access to the electronics. And she yours. In marriage, there is no privacy other than going to the bathroom all needs to be a open book. This builds trust.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> It is not controlling IMO. It is a reasonable request. It is a program that is not really necessary in the large scheme of things we call life. Sure, your W can keep it private, however, you should have all PW to each program and access to the electronics. And she yours. In marriage, there is no privacy other than going to the bathroom all needs to be a open book. This builds trust.


I have offered to give her my passwords to everything and give her access to my phone as we used to do that until the turn of the year, but now she says she feels better not having them, I trust her and don’t want to be checking her stuff 24/7 it would just be nice to have the option again


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Gottman Store for Couples. Products to help improve relationships


The Gottman Institute Store for Couples. Popular videos, emails, card decks and other resources designed to improve relationships.




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I have posted a link that you and your wife may find useful. There is a wealth of relationship information available from the Gottman Institute. My and my FWW’s MC is Gottman trained and he helped us immensely. There are many tools here for improving communication which from your posts I feel is lacking.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I read your story, but I would like some clarity.
Can you give a more accurate timeline of what happened?

not just what you did wrong, but you keep adding more indiscretions before your bad behavior.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I have offered to give her my passwords to everything and give her access to my phone as we used to do that until the turn of the year, but now she says she feels better not having them, I trust her and don’t want to be checking her stuff 24/7 it would just be nice to have the option again


I understand. But the idea is not needing to check anything. It is open book living. It is the closed book that creates issues.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I read your story, but I would like some clarity.
> Can you give a more accurate timeline of what happened?
> 
> not just what you did wrong, but you keep adding more indiscretions before your bad behavior.


The whole time line is, 3 years ago this month my uncle committed suicide which is the start of my depression a few days later we were involved in the Manchester bombing, November of that year we were on our honey moon with our eldest 5 months old at the time, she was rushed to hospital and stayed there for 3 nights and on discharge we flew straight home, few months later we found we was pregnant again, July 2018 our youngest was born, and in September my uncles inquest into his death was heard, this brought everything back and made me spiral out of control, October 2018 I was admitted to hospital after trying to take my life,

I Stared my road to recovery and managed to sort myself out with the help of my wife,

we then moved out of my mums house into a rented properly which was just problem after problem, we found a house online which we then went a purchased in October 2019, and have lived here since,


around January time the coworker started messaging me here and there on Facebook about gym and asking for advice, This then got frequent which is when my wife started to dislike it, I stopped but then she still carried on messaging, and I started replying behind my wife’s back and lied about it one morning in the afternoon I came clean and admitted I was messaging her, around March this year I realised I was starting to show signs of depression again and the coworker noticed this and made me a doctors appointment, I then had a phone conversation with the coworker about how my appointment went, at the start of April this year I realised what I was doing wasn’t right and cut all ties with this coworker, 2 weeks ago on Monday my wife then told me I have made her feel numb towards me and now I am going out of my mind that I have lost her over something so petty

we still share the same house and bedroom, when she goes to work she gives me a kiss and says love you, but if i try anything more than a peck I get told I’m pushing my luck, she lets me rub her feet at night and we eat together, just if I ask about anything she just says she doesn’t know and that she doesn’t feel anything, she will talk to me about anything else other than the relationship, if I ask about it she just puts her walls up, I ask if she wants to get back to normal and she says she doesn’t know, but if we can’t talk about it I don’t know how we can get back to normal


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

He forgot to mention that his W used to post alluring pics on Instagram and message guys through the app - she has over 1M followers. This was some time before his indiscretion with the coworker. If you look at his profile pic, his wife does look like she could be one of those IG babes who posts bikini pics, etc. and gets a lot of attention.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So basically she controls all aspects of your marriage and you are fine with that as long as she stays with you. What's wrong with this picture?


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

TDSC60 said:


> So basically she controls all aspects of your marriage and you are fine with that as long as she stays with you. What's wrong with this picture?


I love her, have kids and a house with her, I know we are not perfect but to me she’s my world


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She may be your world but for sure you’re not her world.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> He forgot to mention that his W used to post alluring pics on Instagram and message guys through the app - she has over 1M followers. This was some time before his indiscretion with the coworker. If you look at his profile pic, his wife does look like she could be one of those IG babes who posts bikini pics, etc. and gets a lot of attention.


11.4k is 11.4 thousand - not million.

OP, if that is indeed your real picture, you might want to delete it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I love her, have kids and a house with her, I know we are not perfect but to me she’s my world


Bud, there is no one and only soulmate. Wake up to reality


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> 11.4k is 11.4 thousand - not million.
> 
> OP, if that is indeed your real picture, you might want to delete it.


LOL, okay, my mind registered a much bigger number when I read the post. That's still a lot of followers. There are two reasons to have 11K followers. One is you have a reasonably well known business, and the other is you post flattering pictures.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> LOL, okay, my mind registered a much bigger number when I read the post. That's still a lot of followers. There are two reasons to have 11K followers.  One is you have a reasonably well known business, and the other is you post flattering pictures.


3rd reason: you're an attention hound and actually believe in all that fake social media crap. "You like me, you really like me!".


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

The followers we both had the same number, apart from now I’ve deleted mine never to come back, tonight we are going to MC hopefully this can start to give us something to work on and she may actually open up rather than just saying don’t know


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

She might just think of you as an IG follower that also helps support her.

You're not HER world. You shouldn't make her your world, that's unhealthy in most relationships.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I love her, have kids and a house with her, I know we are not perfect but to me she’s my world


It's fine to love her.
However, you have to first love yourself.
Take her off the pedestal you have put her on. It has done nothing for you, and actually makes you look weak in her eyes.
To be perfectly blunt, even though you have done wrong, her behavior isn't much better. Right now her mantra appears to be "Don't do as I do, do as I say."
I'm not sure why anyone would want to empower her the way you have.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Dude you have to have something to work with.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

We have made progress with Marriage Counselling and she has opened up to me, long road ahead but in the end off it all we both admitted wrong and have things to work on, we love each other that’s one common thing we have, we’re not perfect but we’re working on it


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Dude you have to have something to work with.


We had the marriage counselling last night and it got her to open up and show emotion towards me which I hadn’t been able to get, we both love each other and neither of us are perfect and have stuff to work on but we both know we care for each other and want to make it work


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

We have had the counselling which helped we spoke and showed emotions, the only thing now is she still says she doesn’t want to be intimate with me and is holding back in the affection side still


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hate to be negative, but I’ve read every post of yours and here’s my conclusion:

the frame of mind you’re in: you can’t sleep, not eating right, depressed, “she’s my world”..... that is the absolute PERFECT recipe for turning off a woman.
And it’s working. She’s “numb” to you. She won’t be intimate with you.
She craves attention from other men. 

99% of the time, when a person isn’t being intimate with their spouse, it’s because that energy is being directed elsewhere.

You need to find out for certain that your wife is not cheating, without accusing or letting her know you’re looking.

her not wanting to know your phone passwords and such? It’s likely because she doesn’t care anymore, or because she doesn’t want to share hers with YOU.

my advice, go to marriage counseling, but quietly go to individual counseling.
Find out if she’s cheating on you.
Start working on your own life and getting yourself some inner strength back and some confidence. Get happy. Please realize, if you allow yourself to place your happiness on whether or not another person feels for you as you do them— that is not good.

I really think you need to be in a position that your wife sees you as a fun, confident, successful man—- because you are. If you can get there, your wife and likely many other women will want your attention.

if you stay in this “she’s my world”, I’d do anything for her“, “I’m depressed”, “I can’t sleep or eat” type of thinking—— you are ruining your chances of everything.

It’s very rare that a woman that doesn’t want to have intimacy with a man, decides she wants it. I really don’t think there’s any chance it will happen until you move forward with your life, and give her the CHOICE to either move forward with you. You aren’t going to plead with her And get anything but the cold shoulder. You have got to somehow change your mindset so that she WANTS you.

The sad thing is, I myself know how nearly impossible it is to change one’s thinking. It’s hard to ignore your own feelings for someone and move on.

my personal opinion is that you need to move on mentally. Start working toward building a life without her, which may happen whether you want it to or not. Provide opportunities for your wife to take part in your life, but don’t hope she will take them, or allow yourself to become despondent when she doesn’t take them.

be the best man you know you can be, and hope she chooses to grasp on.
I promise you this, you’re not going to coax or hope her into living you again.

I’m sorry, I know how hard this is.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Joshsmith28 said:


> We have had the counselling which helped we spoke and showed emotions, the only thing now is she still says she doesn’t want to be intimate with me and is holding back in the affection side still


You are seeing what you want to see. That’s not what’s happening.

Let her go.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Yes before this we have been fine the odd argument here and there, she has always put provocative pictures on her social media accounts and had derogatory comments made to her about these, she’s also taken time to message to men whilst I was messaging my co worker, and I have also had clinical depression for the last couple of years and not got to grips with it, she still stays in the same house as me and shares the same bedroom, but then also says she wants space


then divorce her. You’ve both been disrespectful within the marriage.

if nothing else spend money on long term counseling... you both seem to have boundary and respect issues. She’s self centered and seeks inappropriate attention from others.

you want to build some sort of trust with her - get a new job tomorrow! If my kinda cheating husband was still working with the gal he was shady with - I would leave him immediately! This is something you CAN do to earn trust back!

honestly, it sounds like you both need to grow up.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> You are seeing what you want to see. That’s not what’s happening.
> 
> Let her go.


She has said that over time that will come back, I can’t just let her go she’s the mother to my children and we own a home together


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good luck. Hope it works out for you.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Good luck. Hope it works out for you.


I’m hopeful it will, she still wears her ring, says I love you, shares a bed with me shares the house with me, kisses me goodbye when we leave for work


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> She has said that over time that will come back, I can’t just let her go she’s the mother to my children and we own a home together


 Yes, maybe you cannot let her go due to logistics, your emotions, etc. But please listen to the good people on here. You will not win her back by moping around, you need to pull up your big boy pants and act like the leader in your home. Be clear that you will not be on the hook forever, give her a deadline, in the mean time you start doing the 180. Read up on it, if you don't know what it is. Be the best Dad you can be for your kids and do not let your wife know what is going on with you. Be kind, nice but no discussions about love, marriage, no requests for sex, no moves on her. Do the 180 now. If possible get counselling for yourself, cancel the MC. Work on youself.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Joshsmith28 said:


> The whole time line is, 3 years ago this month my uncle committed suicide which is the start of my depression a few days later we were involved in the Manchester bombing, November of that year we were on our honey moon with our eldest 5 months old at the time, she was rushed to hospital and stayed there for 3 nights and on discharge we flew straight home, few months later we found we was pregnant again, July 2018 our youngest was born, and in September my uncles inquest into his death was heard, this brought everything back and made me spiral out of control, October 2018 I was admitted to hospital after trying to take my life,
> 
> I Stared my road to recovery and managed to sort myself out with the help of my wife,
> 
> ...


Thank you, but no. Let me be clear.
The entire timeline Including your wife’s cheating and bad behavior. Yes, it is crucial because you can’t fix what’s broke. 

Why?

Your marriage was never normal.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I’m hopeful it will, she still wears her ring, says I love you, shares a bed with me shares the house with me, kisses me goodbye when we leave for work


I hope it works out for you as well.
However, I am confused about one issue.
It appears that there are consequences for your actions.
Why are there no consequences for hers, regarding the social media?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> Thanks for the advice, I will try and act as normal as I possibly can no matter how hard it seems, I’m just petrified of losing her as she’s helped me so much in the past and I can’t believe I have betrayed her trust in such away to make her feel like this


I haven't finished catching up on this, and while you betrayed HER trust, SHE ALSO betrayed yours with the pics and texting to other men. This isn't all on you. It is on the BOTH of you -- you both have lousy boundaries. You need to understand WHY you did it, but SO DOES SHE. It seems so far that you are taking the beating from her, and she just pushes off the fact that SHE did the same thing as YOUR fault. BS. BOTH of you need to do the work here.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> No she hasn’t she thinks it’s totally normal, I have deleted my social media as I could see it was causing more problems than good, she has 11.4k followers on Instagram and won’t delete it as she says there are to many memories on there, I thought if I deleted mine she would follow but it seems to be more important to her than I thought


So, she is taking NO responsibility for her actions -- this does NOT bode well for any sort of Reconciliation.
DO YOU WANT a wife that is sharing lewd photos on instagram? If her instagram followers are more important than you, what does that tell you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I’m aware it will take a lot of time to sort out, I have agreed to marriage counselling and she has agreed so far, some days she will wear her wedding ring then some times she won’t, mainly when she’s at work she doesn’t wear it and never really has done, I try and act normal with her but then frustrate myself with it or up set myself, I’m mentally abusing myself over it, I am holding hope that she is just doing this to punish me but I really don’t know


If she has "never really worn it" -- what type of job is this? Is it a job where wearing the ring is hard to do? If not, this shows you she is NOT committed to the marriage or you. Her NOT wearing the rings when at work -- she is advertising there that she is available. This isn't to punish YOU, it's to put HERSELF out there as available.
She has HUGE issues here man. You should beat yourself up over the EA with the woman at work, but what your WIFE is doing is just as awful if not more so than what you did.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I am getting treatment for my depression but don’t see the point at the moment as I could lose my wife, I have said I’ll make her a doctors appointment but she refuses


You sound VERY co-dependent in this relationship. YOU need to work on that. YOU need to be better before you worry about her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> I have offered to give her my passwords to everything and give her access to my phone as we used to do that until the turn of the year, but now she says she feels better not having them, I trust her and don’t want to be checking her stuff 24/7 it would just be nice to have the option again


This is because she doesn't want YOU to have HERS. You have to realize what she is doing here, no? She is manipulating you so she can continue to do what SHE wants -- to get her jollies from her "followers" and still have you sticking around to help pay the bills.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ok, NOW I'm caught up.
You said the counseling went well -- did she agree to kill her instagram account and stop with the BS games with other men? I bet not.
I bet she STILL has that. I'm thinking she is still playing games trying to manipulate you to stick around while she still disrespects you and the marriage.
If she won't let the instagram stuff go, WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU! She knows that hurts you and yet....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As said, her actions are those of a woman who wants you for her own emotional support and security in general, but advertises herself to other men hoping something better comes along. You’re in limbo, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get out of it. 
As said, you are only seeing what you want to see. She’s giving you just enough to keep you and not one shred of anything else.

the longer you stay in this, the worse off you are. The marriage counselors get paid Longer if they keep guys like you coming back by playing on your hope that things will get better.

They won’t. Once that switch is flipped, it can never be flipped back on. Once this crap starts, it just gets worse and worse. 
Sorry.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> As said, her actions are those of a woman who wants you for her own emotional support and security in general, but advertises herself to other men hoping something better comes along. You’re in limbo, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get out of it.
> As said, you are only seeing what you want to see. She’s giving you just enough to keep you and not one shred of anything else.
> 
> the longer you stay in this, the worse off you are. The marriage counselors get paid Longer if they keep guys like you coming back by playing on your hope that things will get better.
> ...


So even with the counselling which she agreed to I never forced her to take part in you don’t think that will help?
She has said to the counsellor that she wants to make things work,
We have both arranged date nights for each other and have both said we need to at least 1 nice thing for each other daily,
Again she is still staying in the same bed as me, and saying that she hopes we get back to where we were,
I see that I hurt her badly and fully own up to that, 
She still says she loves parts of me and the parts she doesn’t she can see I’m changing them


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Joshsmith28 said:


> So even with the counselling which she agreed to I never forced her to take part in you don’t think that will help?
> She has said to the counsellor that she wants to make things work,
> We have both arranged date nights for each other and have both said we need to at least 1 nice thing for each other daily,
> Again she is still staying in the same bed as me, and saying that she hopes we get back to where we were,
> ...


Why don't you both set a time line and work on the marriage till then. If it is not working out, then call it quits, as least you will put in the effort and still have a trigger date to make the final decision.


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## Joshsmith28 (May 5, 2020)

aine said:


> Why don't you both set a time line and work on the marriage till then. If it is not working out, then call it quits, as least you will put in the effort and still have a trigger date to make the final decision.


With the counselling we have 12 sessions one a week so that should give us 3 months to work on, deep down in my gut I think she wants to make it work she’s just very hurt by what I have done and rightly so


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Joshsmith28 said:


> So even with the counselling which she agreed to I never forced her to take part in you don’t think that will help?
> She has said to the counsellor that *she wants to make things work*,
> We have both arranged date nights for each other and have both said we need to at least 1 nice thing for each other daily,
> Again she is still staying in the same bed as me, and saying that she hopes we get back to where we were,
> ...


She wants to make things work -- it's easy to say but what ACTIONS has she taken? HAS she deleted her social media stuff?
To me THAT would be a big "I REALLY WANT TO WORK ON THIS". Just saying it, but her actions not matching, well that should tell you that she is paying lip service to the whole thing and doesn't really mean it.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I hate to be negative, but I’ve read every post of yours and here’s my conclusion:
> 
> the frame of mind you’re in: you can’t sleep, not eating right, depressed, “she’s my world”..... that is the absolute PERFECT recipe for turning off a woman.
> And it’s working. She’s “numb” to you. She won’t be intimate with you.
> ...


It’s crazy that when things are going good to say “she is my world” means everything to a woman, but when she’s mad it’s perceived as needy and weak. No wonder men are so confused


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She wants to make things work.
Truth: she needs time for an exit plan.

She wants to make things work.
What has she done to make you feel safe in the relationship?
what did you do? See the difference?

she wants to make things work. Why?
She clearly hasn’t got romantic feelings for you. There must be another reason. What do you think that could be?

Do your counseling sessions. I wish the best for you. But if things don’t work out, try not to waste years pining for something you can’t have and have zero control over.

a marriage counselor can’t fix a person’s feelings for their spouse. They are either there or they aren’t. On a woman’s end— if they’re gone, they will never come back.

as you’ve been told, watch her actions.


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