# Keeping your spouse faithful



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I've seen a variety of posts on how to find out if your partner is cheating. I thought it would be good to talk about how to keep them from cheating.

You can of course monitor: keyloggers, gps trackers, private eyes, seduction shills, ankle bracelets, etc etc. I think they are all a bad idea :nono: All that will do is let you know that they already cheated - and then what - at best misery and anger. 

Rather I am thinking about how to keep them from wanting to cheat. This won't work on everyone of course - some people are just selfish, sex-addicted, or just plan evil. But if you are with someone like that you should leave anyway. For most people though I suggests (and hope we can discuss):

1) Sex - Be sure that they are sexually satisfied, that whenever they want sex they can get it from you. If you aren't in the mood for a long lovemaking session, you can still find something quick to satisfy them - If you can't give your lover an orgasm in 10 minutes with mouth, hands or toys, you need more practice anyway. When practical try to fulfill their fantasies. 

Sex has a strong effect on the mind - being horny can make someone consider doing things that they would never do otherwise.

2). Affection - When you / they get home from work, start with a hug and a kiss, not a list of tasks to be done. Send love notes. Randomly kiss them on the back of the neck when they are sitting down. etc. Make them aware that you are constantly thinking about them even when you are not looking for sex. No one wants to feel that all you want is them to do chores, pay the bills, and have sex. 

3). Respect - You are their lover, their parent. Getting angry once in a while is fine, but treating them like children isn't. Don't constantly complain / remind them. Don't nag. Don't verbally punish them when they misbehave. If you don't honestly respect your spouse, you shouldn't be married to them anyway. Don't put them in a situation where they look to other people for respect and admiration. 

I'm not claiming this will always work, but if it doesn't, if they do have an affair or leave you, you will not be asking yourself why you didn't do all you could earlier. All these take effort, but again, if your spouse isn't worth the effort, why are you with them?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> I'm not claiming this will always work, but if it doesn't, if they do have an affair or leave you, you will not be asking yourself why you didn't do all you could earlier. All these take effort, but again, if your spouse isn't worth the effort, why are you with them?


I view this issue much the way I view cancer. I take steps to prevent it. I exercise, try and eat right, don't smoke, etc. All things to reduce the likelihood that it happens. But I recognize that it is not fool proof - I can do everything right and it may still happen, because there are things outside of my control.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You can't control someone else.

There is temptation all around. You can be the best spouse you can, but your spouse has to have good boundaries.

You also can't control all of the OMs that are out there in the world.

Good luck.

Only 40 years now of marriage. At least to me the first 37 were good, but what do I know? Everything seems to be false after cheating. Do not know anything anymore.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think another key point is being 100% transparent with your spouse about temptations. I used to think it was a sign of weakness but now realize it is a sign of strength.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I think those are all wonderful things to do. That's a good list, but people cheat in good marriages where those things exist.. It comes down to weak personal boundaries with the opposite sex and a strong sense of entitlement. 

Some people don't necessarily go looking for affairs, but at some point they let their boundaries slip. Maybe someone reciprocated the husband's attention or maybe some other woman threw attention his way that he didn't even know he was looking for, until he started getting it and he started liking it. At first he might have thought there's no harm in small talk and even if at some point the conversation turns to more personal topics he might think there's no harm in accepting some unsolicited compliments right? And that there's no harm in returning a compliment and the attention is fun, and there's no harm in a little flirtation, right? ... At some point he might realize the possibility that maybe another woman is pursuing him and secretly it's a huge ego trip for him because it's been a long time since he had someone pursue him. He likes it, so he allows it thinking, "I can enjoy the attention, but I won't let it go too far" and by then he's hooked on her for attention and pretty soon for other things too.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening over20
I agree. People also need to be honest with each other that they ARE attracted to other people. It is OK for your partner to find another person attractive, and to be able to tell you - and for you to kid them about it. 




over20 said:


> I think another key point is being 100% transparent with your spouse about temptations. I used to think it was a sign of weakness but now realize it is a sign of strength.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It's more than ok, it's critical. 

And that visibility is the best way to prevent a slippery slope slide....




richardsharpe said:


> Good evening over20
> I agree. People also need to be honest with each other that they ARE attracted to other people. It is OK for your partner to find another person attractive, and to be able to tell you - and for you to kid them about it.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

MEM11363 said:


> It's more than ok, it's critical.
> 
> And that visibility is the best way to prevent a slippery slope slide....


Exactly, hubs and I find that it stops the mind from inviting different scenarios to be played out....I once read to bring temptation out of the darkness and into the light and it loses its control......JMHO


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Keep your spouse fed at home, so he'll not be temped to eat someplace else. By fed I mean sexually, cerebrally, and emotionally...oh and real good food is helpful too!

By the way, the title of this tread seems creepy and controlling. One cannot keep their spouse from cheating.

A better title might be "not giving your spouse a reason to cheat".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Over20 said*:* I think another key point is being 100% transparent with your spouse about temptations. I used to think it was a sign of weakness but now realize it is a sign of strength*.


I consider this thing called Transparency one of the greater deterrents to any type of boundary pushing and falling into temptation.. it would be a complete deal breaker for a woman like myself to be met up with one who was insisting on Privacy at every turn...as I am one who so enjoys openly sharing the deepest of everything with my lover... and desires this coming back .... I feel it can be a compatibility issue even...people seem to be geared one way or another.. 

And this has nothing to do with talking too much or spilling every moment of one's day (that would leave any spouse running from you plugging their ears -to get away!)....this is about the Juicy... it is a willing / giving thing.. it is not forced or compelled.. or demanded....but stems from within ...a deep desire to share openly...your feelings, what upsets you , what stirs you, all of it with your partner... 

I did a thread on this -as it is very close to my heart.. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html




richardsharpe said:


> I agree. People also need to be honest with each other that they ARE attracted to other people. It is OK for your partner to find another person attractive, and to be able to tell you - and for you to kid them about it.


 My husband has always has the benefit to know every single friend I had a bit of a crush on.. it's never bothered him for a moment .. and I ask which of my Gf's he thinks is Hot.. these things flow for us more easily than I think most might understand.. but that's just how we are...and for the last 32 yrs I might add..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Here's a much better method that will significantly decrease the probably of being cheated on. 

Don't get married in the first place. That way, if one party wants out, it's a lot easier for them to cut the cord rather than go screw someone else and try to hide it.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Here's a much better method that will significantly decrease the probably of being cheated on.
> 
> Don't get married in the first place. That way, if one party wants out, it's a lot easier for them to cut the cord rather than go screw someone else and try to hide it.


Cynical, to be sure. Yea, don't even try, right?

I thank God that my wife and I had the courage to take that step, to take that risk...it paid off beautifully.

You cannot win if you don't try....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lenzi said:


> Here's a much better method that will significantly decrease the probably of being cheated on.
> 
> Don't get married in the first place. That way, if one party wants out, it's a lot easier for them to cut the cord rather than go screw someone else and try to hide it.


I feel it is the safest bet to hook up with those who deeply value marriage, honestly , faithfulness and commitment.. people come from all walks of life, beliefs, values , dreams and aspirations....meeting up with another like minded individual who feels as strongly as you do....is surely a step in the right direction...

And giving any dating relationship over (at least) 18 months before marrying.. Relationship experts say before this one can not distinguish between infatuation and abiding Love.. they say if a couple makes it this long and still greatly enjoys their time together...has shared a many experiences... how to resolve conflict effectively.... still laughing together.. the intimacy is still craved for one another....they have beat the odds.. and stand a better chance..


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> Cynical, to be sure. Yea, don't even try, right?
> 
> I thank God that my wife and I had the courage to take that step, to take that risk...it paid off beautifully.
> 
> You cannot win if you don't try....


More often than not, it doesn't pay off, it's a losing bet.

And you could have that payoff even without marriage.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

lenzi said:


> More often than not, it doesn't pay off, it's a losing bet.
> 
> And you could have that payoff even without marriage.


From what I have seen if, later in life, you are not in a relationship you are going to be very lonely with random hook up's.

After 32 years I'm chasing my wife every night and perhaps my bar is too high now if that were to change. 

I do like the point - "be available" - that does go a long ways.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> More often than not, it doesn't pay off, it's a losing bet.
> 
> And you could have that payoff even without marriage.


You have this delusion that only married people can get hurt, and that not getting married somehow magically insulates one from the potential of hurt.. 

What you fail to see is that you don't have to get married to get hurt. Having a boyfriend that leaves his girlfriend can hurt no less than if they were married.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon lenzi
It all depends on what you value. If you want to avoid a spouse cheating at all costs, then you are right. I don't think marriage or long term relationships are the right thing for everyone, and no one should feel compelled by society's expectations to get into one.



lenzi said:


> Here's a much better method that will significantly decrease the probably of being cheated on.
> 
> Don't get married in the first place. That way, if one party wants out, it's a lot easier for them to cut the cord rather than go screw someone else and try to hide it.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

mpgunner said:


> From what I have seen if, later in life, you are not in a relationship you are going to be very lonely with random hook up's.


What does this have to do with being married? More than half of marriages end in divorce. All those people who are divorced are either single or looking for relationships later in life. 



WalterWhite said:


> You have this delusion that only married people can get hurt


No I don't. 



WalterWhite said:


> What you fail to see is that you don't have to get married to get hurt. Having a boyfriend that leaves his girlfriend can hurt no less than if they were married.


Yes, but so what?


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

lenzi said:


> What does this have to do with being married? More than half of marriages end in divorce. All those people who are divorced are either single or looking for relationships later in life.
> ?


Sorry, that isn't accurate. Look at the states by age and remarriage. 

But, my point is, as you get older it is harder to find someone of value. I keep hearing that from a bunch of friends. Some do.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

mpgunner said:


> my point is, as you get older it is harder to find someone of value.


I'm sure that's true, and my car is green and I have a dog, but again, how is that relevant to the conversation?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

The discussion is how to improve the chances of long term success of a long term relationship. How is avoidance of a long term relationship relevant to the conversation?
MN


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Let's not threadjack. If you want to discuss avoidance of a long-term relationship, please start a new thread.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

A number of good point made in the OP. What I can build on is the this:


Have kids, but remember that at the end of the day, it will be you and your spouse only while the kids grow up and leave. Love your kids and do your best to give them a quality of life, but don't forget to take time for your spouse. Don't fall for the parent trap.
Back to the kids - it's OK to not put them in every freaking travel time out there. Chances are, your kid is not good enough to take the next step, so why spend all that money - and time - so that your kid can travel across the state to play sports?
When possible, eat together as a family. Don't allow the kids, you and your spouse to eat alone and whenever he/she feels like it. Spending time together as a family deepens those bonds and ultimately helps with time management. You won't feel guilt about your kids "missing out" and try to overcompensate as a result.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Don't let problems fester. If you have an issue - speak up. If your spouse has an issue - listen patiently. Then try to address the issue in a fair and responsible way.

As said by others, none of this is foolproof. However, if I continue to do my best and let my spouse know that she is loved, respected and that I will listen to her concerns as well as make my best efforts to spend quality time with her, I will have ZERO guilt or will never second guess myself if she ever cheated on me.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel *it is the safest bet to hook up with those who deeply value marriage, honestly , faithfulness and commitment*.. people come from all walks of life, beliefs, values , dreams and aspirations....meeting up with another like minded individual who feels as strongly as you do....is surely a step in the right direction...
> 
> And giving any dating relationship over (at least) 18 months before marrying.. Relationship experts say before this one can not distinguish between infatuation and abiding Love.. they say if a couple makes it this long and still greatly enjoys their time together...has shared a many experiences... how to resolve conflict effectively.... still laughing together.. the intimacy is still craved for one another....they have beat the odds.. and stand a better chance..


THIS!

i.e. marry a really good person.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

I've always followed the " F**K him silly and he'll never stray " rule. He'll be too tired to look elsewhere ahem ahem !! 

Thus far ummmm ............. it's worked very well ummm for me anyways


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

omgitselaine said:


> I've always followed the " F**K him silly and he'll never stray " rule. He'll be too tired to look elsewhere ahem ahem !!
> 
> Thus far ummmm ............. it's worked very well ummm for me anyways


My wife is doing this and it works for me :smthumbup:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> THIS!
> 
> i.e. marry a really good person.


And to attract one . . . _be_ a really good person.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening omgitselaine
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Its not a guarantee, but then nothing is certain in life. I don't think I've ever heard someone say they had an affair because they were getting too much sex at home......






omgitselaine said:


> I've always followed the " F**K him silly and he'll never stray " rule. He'll be too tired to look elsewhere ahem ahem !!
> 
> Thus far ummmm ............. it's worked very well ummm for me anyways


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening omgitselaine
> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Its not a guarantee, but then nothing is certain in life. I don't think I've ever heard someone say they had an affair because they were getting too much sex at home......


You're 100% correct to say it's not a guarantee but if one keeps the SO satisfied and fulfilled as best as possible the chances of him/her having to look elsewhere will at the very least be minimized


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

If you have to keep your spouse faithful, they aren't worth keeping.

I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll get it elsewhere" crowd can go blow.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

omgitselaine said:


> You're 100% correct to day it's not a guarantee but if one keeps the SO satisfied and fulfilled as best as possible the chances of him/her having to look elsewhere will at the very least be minimized


Totally agree. Make them want to try to get an earlier flight home...


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

mpgunner said:


> Totally agree. Make them want to try to get an earlier flight home...


Not sure if you know but my husband has traveled like 15 out of 20 days a month for business thus far this year and he has yet to miss a flight home  

Granted the day he does it really may not be his fault but I know he'll try his dam best to get his ass back to me and his family.

Last year the day he was to fly back home from Chicago it was our son's 6th birthday and he had a party at Chuckie Cheese. When Joe got to the airport 4 hours early he found out his flight was cancelled and no other flights were headed to Newark the until late into the evening. 

Well he b*tched and moaned which he never does until the airlines got him another flight to Laguardia Airport in NY. He didnt care since at least he was near home and took a $100 cab ride home to make it to Chuckie Cheese


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

vellocet said:


> If you have to keep your spouse faithful, they aren't worth keeping.
> 
> I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll get it elsewhere" crowd can go blow.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

omgitselaine said:


> Not sure if you know but my husband has traveled like 15 out of 20 days a month for business thus far this year and he has yet to miss a flight home
> 
> Granted the day he does it really may not be his fault but I know he'll try his dam best to get his ass back to me and his family.
> 
> ...


Wow, that is a lot of travel but great he is motivated to get home. You don't get B-days and other events back.

In our early years we had a rougher time during the young kids/busy job time. I was on a trip and got a surprise call from my wife who said "we need to have sex every night when you come back" - after a nano-second of thought I said "ok". Came home and did my part. That was a big step into shifting priorities even during busy times. She comes first, then kids and other stuff. Funny, you kids then see the priority too and that sets a good marriage model for them.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon vellocet
I don't think that is what people are saying. They are saying that in many cases if you keep your spouse satisfied they won't WANT to get it elsewhere. It is not that lack of sex makes cheating OK (though that is arguable), but that someone who is sexually satisfied will be less likely to want to cheat in the first place. 




vellocet said:


> If you have to keep your spouse faithful, they aren't worth keeping.
> 
> I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll get it elsewhere" crowd can go blow.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good afternoon vellocet
> I don't think that is what people are saying. They are saying that in many cases if you keep your spouse satisfied they won't WANT to get it elsewhere. It is not that lack of sex makes cheating OK (though that is arguable), but that someone who is sexually satisfied will be less likely to want to cheat in the first place.


The title of the thread is "Keeping your spouse faithful". If they simply would DESIRE to get is somewhere but don't, as you suggest above, then they aren't exactly unfaithful(although I'd consider it emotionally unfaithful)

So with the title of the thread, keeping your spouse faithful, to me, implies that they are by default unfaithful, but its up to you to keep them from crossing that line.

To which I am of the thinking, why bother?

I'm not saying that as someone who might be married, which I'm not any longer, that a spouse gets to neglect the other. But if someone has to worry about not doing everything just right and walk on eggshells, then that person isn't worth my time in the first place.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening vellocet
Yes the thread title was mine, and wasn't thought out well. Something like "how to keep your spouse from wanting to cheat" or some such would have been better.

Mostly I was trying to contrast spying on your spouse to see if they are cheating from doing things so that they are less likely to cheat in the first place.



vellocet said:


> The title of the thread is "Keeping your spouse faithful". If they simply would DESIRE to get is somewhere but don't, as you suggest above, then they aren't exactly unfaithful(although I'd consider it emotionally unfaithful)
> 
> So with the title of the thread, keeping your spouse faithful, to me, implies that they are by default unfaithful, but its up to you to keep them from crossing that line.
> 
> ...


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> It is not that lack of sex makes cheating OK (though that is arguable), but that someone who is sexually satisfied will be less likely to want to cheat in the first place.


I have a close friend who would mark down on her calendar reminders to have sex with her husband. She's a very busy doctor. She'd give him regular back massages. She has the height and figure of a model. She can still wear junior sizes. He still cheated and for several years. You can do all the right things and still have an unfaithful spouse. It has to do with the wayward spouse's internal character. If you have such a spouse then your efforts are in vain. Look at all the beautiful Hollywood actors and actresses whose spouses cheat on them. The betrayed spouse can be a perfect "10", wild in bed, funny and witty, but if the wayward spouse has a huge selfish streak all of that is for naught.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I have a close friend who would mark down on her calendar reminders to have sex with her husband. She's a very busy doctor. She'd give him regular back massages. She has the height and figure of a model. She can still wear junior sizes. He still cheated and for several years. You can do all the right things and still have an unfaithful spouse. It has to do with the wayward spouse's internal character. If you have such a spouse then your efforts are in vain. Look at all the beautiful Hollywood actors and actresses whose spouses cheat on them. The betrayed spouse can be a perfect "10", wild in bed, funny and witty, but if the wayward spouse has a huge selfish streak all of that is for naught.


I agree with you, but I understand where the OP was trying to take the thread. The correct title would be "How to minimize the chance of cheating in a marriage". I think a lot of people don't know the true character of their spouse until adversity (or boredom) hits the marriage. On top of that, I think a number of people don't truly know themselves having never been exposed to serious issues that can challenge a marriage. 

It's easy to be compassionate and generous when you have never been without. But when life throws you a curve ball, how will you respond? Not everyone can answer this question or may even lie to themselves. Not singling you out, but using the word "you" in the general sense.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lots of people with great sex lives cheat anyway. 

Lots of people who don't have great sex lives don't cheat anyway. 

You can replace "sex life" with "any problem in the marriage" and the statements still apply. Some people handle problems in a marriage by cheating, and others don't. Some people cheat even when there aren't any problems in the marriage.

Cheaters cheat because there is something messed up within them that allows them to take the steps to cheat.

Sex is not the end-all, be-all when it comes to cheating or to a marriage. The only people who think that plenty of great sex solves everything are the ones who don't have the sex lives they wish they had.

Keep your side of the street clean, and that's the best you can do.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

vellocet said:


> If you have to keep your spouse faithful, they aren't worth keeping.
> 
> I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll get it elsewhere" crowd can go blow.




Exactly!! Being faithful to your spouse is a personal choice.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Threetimesalady said:


> This depends upon what you call great..Some women do not really know what great sex is..They think they are doing great where deep inside they are counting the minutes until he pulls out and is done...Then they are done for another week...This a man will eventually pick up and see that she is just tolerating him....I believe when two people are connected both body and soul that they would never look at another...Years ago when I met him I felt this...and today after all these years it is hotter than ever...
> 
> We have worked together all our lives...Gone through hell with children yet this made us closer...I have never really tried to change him nor he I...We are the same two kids that fell in love 58 years ago this November and our morals never changed...
> 
> People cheat...Some are bored and some think that the grass is greener on the other side of the field...This is human nature...But, when you are truly connected body and soul you never have any need or desire for anyone else or any other brand of getting it on....Of course these are just my thoughts and I am older than dirt...


One of my former co-workers is a serial cheater. Loves his wife, worships her, and he himself says they have a wonderful, amazing sex life. 5 kids. They've been married forever. He'd be devastated if his wife found out what he was up to on his business trips. 

He's not the only man (or woman) out there who is like that. He has mommy issues, and has been in therapy on and off for years. Still, he continues to cheat.

It's NOT all about sex.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening vellocet
> Yes the thread title was mine, and wasn't thought out well. Something like "how to keep your spouse from wanting to cheat" or some such would have been better.
> 
> Mostly I was trying to contrast spying on your spouse to see if they are cheating from doing things so that they are less likely to cheat in the first place.


Still all the same to me though.

1) spouse doesn't do everything perfect as the other spouse would like, then spouse wants to cheat AND probably will cheat.

2) spouse doesn't do everything perfect as the other spouse would like, but this spouse doesn't want to cheat and won't.

The former is a waste of time and effort.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Threetimesalady said:


> If he truly worshipped her, he would not be doing this..He is using "mommy" for an excuse...Sounds like he gets lots of attention doing this too...I do not consider him normal...*He has his own mental hang up..*.


A lot of people have mental and emotional issues like that, and that's why they are able to cheat, regardless of how awesome their spouses are. Low self-esteem, intimacy, abandonment...lots of people have their own personal issues.

My friend had a cold b*tchy mom and a military (absent) dad. He seeks endless validation from women as a result. He knows this. However, he isn't able to change his behavior even though he knows he's putting everything he holds dear at risk. He's not abnormal or insane. But he is damaged.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

I agree the best way to minimize the chance of being cheated on is picking a high quality mate. Of all the men who were attracted to me who I liked, the only one who I thought would be faithful to me was the man I married.

All the others either had a roving eye, insecurities, ego issues, or maybe they just weren't that into me. (Good movie, btw: "He's Just Not That Into You.")

You have to be disciplined when picking a mate. It should be a rigorous process. People seem to settle for someone who's damaged just because they are afraid to be alone, and then are surprised when the damage results in cheating or other hurtful ways.

I agree with others, though. Once you pick a quality mate, you should make an effort to meet his/her needs for sex, companionship, respect, etc.

No guarantees in life and love. Your high quality mate could get hit in the head or contract a foreign brain virus that screws up their executive function and become a WS. 

Still, you have to make every effort to choose and good mate and to *be* a good mate.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> 1) Sex - Be sure that they are sexually satisfied, that whenever they want sex they can get it from you. If you aren't in the mood for a long lovemaking session, you can still find something quick to satisfy them - If you can't give your lover an orgasm in 10 minutes with mouth, hands or toys, you need more practice anyway. When practical try to fulfill their fantasies.
> 
> Sex has a strong effect on the mind - being horny can make someone consider doing things that they would never do otherwise.
> 
> ...


Initmacy, affection, respect. All good things indeed. IMHO though there's some things that come first.

Confidence, self respect, and boundaries. This means your partner knows you're with them of choice and not of fear. We can have sex, be affectionate, and and respect them all day long but unless we have principles and boundaries and think we're worth something then it'll go to crap anyway. People really do have to like and respect themselves if they want others to mimic them.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

I see a problem with a lot of answers in this thread. First off, sex is often not the strongest motivation for a spouse to cheat. It would be wrong to think that sexing up your spouse would somehow insure they'll not cheat.

I think a bigger reason why people cheat has little to do with their sexual needs getting met at home and a lot more to do with getting a hand full of strange, new, fresh puuussy or diiick, and the thrill of being bad, sneaking around and munching on the fresh forbidden fruit.

Men are programmed to spread their seed, and it is only the people of good character and restraint that can put on the brakes.

Often, the cheating sex is just part of it, but not the main impetuous, which is the company of someone wittier, a lot more fun to chat and banter with, more interesting, and more complimentary than their spouse at home. And often the people cheated with are less good looking than the spouse at home.

Often the spouse at home has movie star looks and sex appeal but knows nothing about seduction, how to use their bodies, how to pleasure another.


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## HeartofHearts (Aug 25, 2014)

vellocet said:


> If you have to keep your spouse faithful, they aren't worth keeping.
> 
> I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll get it elsewhere" crowd can go blow.


This is an old thread that I'm reading through and couldn't help but give this statement applause! There are too many people with that mentality!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

In my opinion the only thing you can do is choose well in the beginning. Someone who won't put their own wants above the needs of the spouse, kids or family. Reason I say this is because if you pick and damaged partner, selfish partner, or one of low character it doesn't matter WHAT you do they are going to put themselves first. Choose wisely......


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

As a guy...

#1 good mate selection
#2 open communication
#3 figure out what drives them and supply it
#4 keep your head on a swivel
#5 hope for the best


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I agree with a pp, you should not have to keep them from wanting to cheat.... they should stay faithful because they WANT to....

I put 100% into my marriage, I enjoy keeping my husband happy, I respect him, I never say no to him regards to the bedroom... I try to do things he enjoys I get the same in return.

We have very good communication, If we have a problem with one another we tell each other what the problem is.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

It is the responsibility of each spouse to tend to the relationship to the best of their ability.

It is the responsibility of the other spouse to keep their legs closed or pecker in their pants and quit using their BS a a f'in excuse.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

every spouse should believe they'd be kicked to the curb if they cheat even if they're wrong about it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

omgitselaine said:


> I've always followed the " F**K him silly and he'll never stray " rule. He'll be too tired to look elsewhere ahem ahem !!
> 
> Thus far ummmm ............. it's worked very well ummm for me anyways


Yea, so did I. It does not work for some men. Some will cheat no matter how much sex, good food, support, etc they get at home.

Lot's of sex is not a cure all for preventing infidelity.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

melw74 said:


> I agree with a pp, you should not have to keep them from wanting to cheat.... they should stay faithful because they WANT to....
> 
> I put 100% into my marriage, I enjoy keeping my husband happy, I respect him, I never say no to him regards to the bedroom... I try to do things he enjoys I get the same in return.
> 
> We have very good communication, If we have a problem with one another we tell each other what the problem is.


I'm going to disagree w/ you, though probably not in the way that you think...

I'd say that -- by way of the intentional and overt actions that you've described above -- _you are *actively* doing things to keep your husband from wanting to cheat_ and, therefore, _you are making him *want* to stay faithful_.

And that's a great thing! :smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> every spouse should believe they'd be kicked to the curb if they cheat even if they're wrong about it.


I think some wayward do believe this and they still do it. (go figure)

I mean I've read a few stories were the wayward loved there spouse and still screwed around with the understanding that it was a dealbreaker.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> I think some wayward do believe this and they still do it. (go figure)
> 
> I mean I've read a few stories were the wayward loved there spouse and still screwed around with the understanding that it was a dealbreaker.


Yes some cheaters are just gonna cheat no matter. That's not every cheater though. Some people are confident that their spouse will take them back no matter what and will even close a blind eye.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm on the mediocre sex, low respect, zero affirmation plan. Haven't cheated but wouldn't be opposed to getting kicked to the curb. I figure we both deserve it.


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## lost_Alone (Aug 25, 2014)

Some people will cheat reguardless


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yea, so did I. It does not work for some men. Some will cheat no matter how much sex, good food, support, etc they get at home.
> 
> Lot's of sex is not a cure all for preventing infidelity.


I agree, just as some women will cheat no matter how much affection or attention you give them.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As they say the grass is greener where it is watered. I do not think you can affair proof a marriage. But you can reduce the risks.

Start with His Needs Her Needs in my opinion.

People do not always set out to cheat. The people who are hell bent on cheating you need to let go anyway. Discuss, agree and implement sensible boundaries. No playing just the tip type games where the boundaries are for all practical purposes not there.
A sliding boundary is not a boundary at all.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

To decrease the chances of cheating,having lots of fulfilling sex and open communication is the best way.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Quant said:


> To decrease the chances of cheating,having lots of fulfilling sex and open communication is the best way.


I think this says it best. "decrease the *chances*"

There is nothing a spouse can do to prevent it. Just to decrease the chance.

But as I've said before, a spouse shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or do everything the other spouse expects out of fear they will cheat. If that person would use things as a reason to cheat, they aren't worth the effort in the first place.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

vellocet said:


> If you have to keep your spouse faithful, they aren't worth keeping.
> 
> I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll get it elsewhere" crowd can go blow.


I missed this comment earlier in the thread, but if you equate cheating with ending a marriage, then it makes perfect sense to strive to meet your spouses needs to the best of your abilities and if reasonable. A lot of marriages end without cheating and because of a number of issues (we know many of them so no need to repeat). Divorce is giving up on your marriage. In most cases, I believe a person cheats because he/she is giving up on his/her marriage too. The only difference is that divorce is expensive and will make you a part time parent. So cheating may be a seductive way for some to cope with a bad marital situation. 

I don't advocate cheating nor think it's justified. Despite our protests about how it shouldn't happen, people still choose to cheat. So instead of getting hung up on whether it's right or wrong, we should keep in mind that our spouse (or maybe even a few of us) may decide that cheating is a viable way to cope with a bad marriage. IMHO, let's adjust your statement slightly:



> If you have to keep your spouse from *divorcing* you, they aren't worth keeping.
> 
> I'm sorry, the whole "if you don't meet every one of my needs the way I want it or I'll *divorce you*" crowd can go blow.


I think when you view divorce and cheating as 2 ways to destroy a marriage, then I think it makes perfect sense to keep nurturing the marriage. To me, this is common sense.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Despite our protests about how it shouldn't happen, people still choose to cheat. So instead of getting hung up on whether it's right or wrong, we should keep in mind that our spouse (or maybe even a few of us) may decide that cheating is a viable way to cope with a bad marriage.


And I will help them out of that "bad marriage" if cheated on.

As I said before, each spouse has a responsibility to tend to the marriage to the best of their ability, and despite some best efforts, it won't be enough.

Their character, however, is not my responsibility.




> IMHO, let's adjust your statement slightly:


No, lets not.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Trying to affair proof a marriage is pointless. The best we can do is stay alert and make ourselves more valuable to our spouses. But it has to be clear that that value will walk out the door if not respected. 

That also means we have to value ourselves. So, give your spouse the world and delight in their joy, but make it clear that they stand to lose if they take it for granted. And stay vigilant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> Trying to affair proof a marriage is pointless. The best we can do is stay alert and make ourselves more valuable to our spouses. But it has to be clear that that value will walk out the door if not respected.
> 
> That also means we have to value ourselves. So, give your spouse the world and delight in their joy, but make it clear that they stand to lose if they take it for granted. And stay vigilant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe I don't understand the definition but your description of 'how to be' is spot on with what I would have called 'affair proofing'.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> Trying to affair proof a marriage is pointless. The best we can do is stay alert and make ourselves more valuable to our spouses. But it has to be clear that that value will walk out the door if not respected.
> 
> That also means we have to value ourselves. So, give your spouse the world and delight in their joy, but make it clear that they stand to lose if they take it for granted. And stay vigilant.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, I don't know. Love H/W like no other exists in the world. Undivided attention always. 15 plus hours a week one on one. Meeting(exceeding) each others needs. Sense of respect, concern and caring. All of these go a long way. Have these and you are not a commodity(most value) to you spouse. We are not commodities to have a value put on us. Be clear that any of what I have written here, enjoyed throughout the marriage, will forever be gone.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

It's not affair proofing because you can't affair proof a marriage. So my take on it is to love genuinely. Both my wife AND myself.
Especially myself, since I'm the only one I have look in the mirror and go to sleep with at night..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> It's not affair proofing because you can't affair proof a marriage. So my take on it is to love genuinely. Both my wife AND myself.
> Especially myself, since I'm the only one I have look in the mirror and go to sleep with at night..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And their in lies the secret. Find a spouse who believes in personal accountability. When they take blame and don't justify their problems onto others they are less likely to convince themselves cheating is harmless or something they deserve.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

vellocet said:


> I agree, just as some women will cheat no matter how much affection or attention you give them.


not true at all. You can still fit her with a nice chastity belt...big pick proof lock.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

M2 has a very simple strategy for this and has from the get go.

1. Make sure I am at the least happy, ideally very happy in bed 
2. Remind me now and then in a humorous but somewhat disturbing manner how homicidal the idea of infidelity makes her

Sincere, simple and highly effective. 





GusPolinski said:


> I'm going to disagree w/ you, though probably not in the way that you think...
> 
> I'd say that -- by way of the intentional and overt actions that you've described above -- _you are *actively* doing things to keep your husband from wanting to cheat_ and, therefore, _you are making him *want* to stay faithful_.
> 
> And that's a great thing! :smthumbup:


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I don't think there is a way to keep your spouse 100% faithful , so many stories here many that say the marriage was perfect many that say it wasn't, sexually satisfied, LD partner, abusive, partner on a pedestal it doesn't matter infidelity can touch even the strongest marriage.
Checking up on your partner isn't much fun either, constantly looking over your shoulder for a threat.

You show me a marriage that is 100% affair proof and I will show you 2 people stranded on a deserted island, or someone got locked in a closet.


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