# Wife filed for divorce and moved out



## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

Hi new here.
Wife of 2 years filed for divorce 2 weeks ago and has basically moved out to a friends.
Our problems involve me lying to her and breaking her trust.
I didn't realize at the time that I was.
But I was. And when it was brought up in counseling and it was like a slap in the face to me, a wake up call.
And since that time 6 months ago I vowed to her not to do it ever again. And I haven't. But at the same time, she had shut me out, she was hurt, and the more I tried, the further she went away.
We talked about going to one of these marriage getaways, but it never came to it's fruition. I really wanted to go, but she backed out.
So then I got the Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness program. She agreed to start it with me, but really didn't.
His philosophy is basically to put the problem or what happened away. And deal with that later. But focus now and try and rebuilding your relationship together. But she couldn't do it. She said she just couldn't get past things.
She loved me but wasn't in love (sound familiar?)
So for 6 months it's been me saying. I love you, and her saying, I know you do.
Her thinking was, she didn't know if she would feel that way again about me. There was nothing proactive on her part to try.
She said she hopes it worked out, but she was just hoping and not trying.
At this same time, we didn't have any couple friends, and she started hanging out with her much younger single girlfriends.
Both of them had just recently been dumped by their boyfriends.
So last week I helped her move some of her stuff to a storage unit she got. She packed up so much stuff so fast it was like a land grab. Like she couldn't wait to get out.
So she has an attorney and I am about to get one.
We have no kids, but are situation revolves around finances.
Going into the marriage, I owned my house free and clear, 2 cars free and clear, paid for my own health insurance.
Now.....we have a home equity loan on the house of $70,000.
I am on her health insurance. She has a great job and makes 4 times as much as I do. The loan is in both of our names. I couldn't get approved of the loan without her.
So now I am facing a loan I can't afford, trying to get my own health insurance. I feel abandoned in the marriage. I know I screwed up things and put us in this position. But once I realized how serious things were, she was not willing to actually work on the marriage.
So that is where I am now.
We could have worked thru our issues, my issues and I have. I am just sorry she couldn't stand by my side. She even admits to being a terrible wife the last 6 months.
I still want to stay married, but she just wants to move forward with the divorce. It has been a broken record in our conversations. She continues to ask, why didn't I listen to her to begin with and respect her wishes.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How exactly did you lie to her, betray her trust and not realize at the time you were doing it?

How did you "not listen to her to begin with and respect her wishes?"


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## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

Because I was a selfish idiot.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're going to need to be more specific if you want good advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Robby04 said:


> So then I got the Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness program. She agreed to start it with me, but really didn't.
> His philosophy is basically to put the problem or what happened away. And deal with that later.  But focus now and try and rebuilding your relationship together. But she couldn't do it. She said she just couldn't get past things.


Around here, that's called rug sweeping. It doesn't end well. How can you 'fix' the marriage by ignoring the reasons for the marriage being broken? 


Right now, consider her gone. Get to work on fixing your own sh*t. You've accepted (or say you have) that you fecked up. You're going to accept that she no longer trusts you, for whatever unexplained to us reason that is, and work on yourself. 

Occasionally, (very occasionally) if you get the help that you obviously need, and actually change, there is an outside chance that a betrayed spouse wants to be with you again. That's not to say you'll "win her back", which is the wrong way of thinking, but that she might chose to return to the guy you might end up becoming. 

I wish you luck.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

I'm curious....if the spouse is now moved out and the theory is that he should work on himself, which I get, but how does she ever see that he has become an "improved man" if she's not around? What advice can we give him to attempt to retain a connection and possibly "win" her back? Unfortunately, out of sight, out of mind, means she will likely move on with her life. Especially if she has other single girlfriends to spend her time with.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes, you need to be more specific and I cannot help but think you are downplaying what you did to wound her so deeply that she is prepared to divorce you. You said you were a 'stupid idiot', that is minimizing, and you have to own what you did first before you can even move on yourself. Lying and breaking trust (the only info you have given) are huge deal breakers for any spouse but particularly for the female.
Women will always take alot of **** from their men but there usually comes a point that they have had enough and when that point is reached usually there is no turning back. It looks like she has reached that point of no return. You sound as if you are complaining about the fact that in the last 6 months she has done nothing to try and meet you half way, she tried to get you to listen ("She continues to ask, why didn't I listen to her to begin with and respect her wishes" ) well the question is why didn't you?

It is sad that you have only been married for 2 years. However, there are always consequences when you do not treat your spouse well and although it is painful for you and you so newly married, you probably have to accept this and move on.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Robby04 said:


> Because I was a selfish idiot.


Did you cheat on her?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

what did you do that was so awful?

on the other hand, i have an inclination to think that she was done even before the terrible thing happened.
maybe the awful thing was so awful that anyone would leave.
or maybe it was an excuse to leave.

one terrible thing usually does not dissolve a marriage.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Robby04 said:


> Hi new here.
> Wife of 2 years filed for divorce 2 weeks ago and has basically moved out to a friends.
> Our problems involve me lying to her and breaking her trust.
> I didn't realize at the time that I was.
> ...


No advice on the relationship without more information. If you cheated on her, she has every right to leave you.

As far as finances go ...

You keep what you had going into the marriage.
You split up everything you acquired during the marriage. Including debt. So she owes you $35,000 (her share of equity loan) but she is also entitled to 50% of any assets that were purchased with that equity loan. You get to go back to paying for your own insurance. Since the marriage is only 2 years, doubt you are entitled to any alimony unless you don't make enough to feed yourself. 

No kids and short marriage should be an easy divorce.


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## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

What did I do?
Ok.....I sent some pictures of her to some strangers
A couple of them were sort of naked. There I have come clean.
She realized that I was making the changes necessary over the last 6 months.
I promised to never do it again. And I won't. She said I could only do that with her permission.
I have never mistreated her, and have always been there for her.
And I screwed up. And have totally admitted it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Robby04 said:


> What did I do?
> Ok.....I sent some pictures of her to some strangers
> A couple of them were sort of naked. There I have come clean.
> She realized that I was making the changes necessary over the last 6 months.
> ...


Why did you do that?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Robby04 said:


> What did I do?
> Ok.....I sent some pictures of her to some strangers
> A couple of them were sort of naked.


"sort of"?

I'm going with "trickle truth" on this one. There's way more going on than you're letting on.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> I'm curious....if the spouse is now moved out and the theory is that he should work on himself, which I get, but how does she ever see that he has become an "improved man" if she's not around? What advice can we give him to attempt to retain a connection and possibly "win" her back? Unfortunately, out of sight, out of mind, means she will likely move on with her life. Especially if she has other single girlfriends to spend her time with.


Only going my own recent experience, Sarah, but she'll need time to heal, and he'll need time to fix his sh*t. Which I'm guessing by his recent revelation is much deeper than he's let on so far. 

Unless she pulls a full 180 (no contact), there will be times when they either have to or chose to meet up. Lawyers, coffee, etc.

If he genuinely chooses to sort himself out, to change, those future encounters with his waw will allow her to see the changes he's making. Now what she chooses to do with that is up to her. If there's still something there and she likes this 'new' guy, then she might want to be around him. 

But he's going to have to let that side of it go, let her decide what she wants, needs. 

He won't "win her back" (hate that term, BTW). But she might be drawn back if she see's genuine contrition and a positive move forward in his changes.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Only going my own recent experience, Sarah, but she'll need time to heal, and he'll need time to fix his sh*t. Which I'm guessing by his recent revelation is much deeper than he's let on so far.
> 
> Unless she pulls a full 180 (no contact), there will be times when they either have to or chose to meet up. Lawyers, coffee, etc.
> 
> ...


But again, how does he show he's changed in a conversation over coffee? He sent nude photos of her, he's apologized. What else can he do to to prove himself a better man? Lip service isn't worth much.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Robby04 said:


> What did I do?
> Ok.....I sent some pictures of her to some strangers
> A couple of them were sort of naked. There I have come clean.
> She realized that I was making the changes necessary over the last 6 months.
> ...


:slap:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why on earth would any man do that to his spouse? You really have betrayed her trust, why did you do it, for revenge, to hook her up with someone else, some other perverse reason? You are not telling us the whole story, you are trying to 'trickle truth' strangers because you know that whatever you have done was really low. It is not up to any of us to judge, none of us know anything about your relationship but if you want opinions and advice you need to come clean.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DayOne said:


> Around here, that's called rug sweeping. It doesn't end well. How can you 'fix' the marriage by ignoring the reasons for the marriage being broken?
> 
> 
> Right now, consider her gone. Get to work on fixing your own sh*t. You've accepted (or say you have) that you fecked up. You're going to accept that she no longer trusts you, for whatever unexplained to us reason that is, and work on yourself.
> ...


Look up this guy's thread, self titled (like the rock star he is).

It would be an abject lesson for you in how to recognize the need for change, and then actually implementing it.

It may not work to get your wife back. But you will actually begin to like the person staring back at you in the mirror no matter what happens.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SARAHMCD said:


> I'm curious....if the spouse is now moved out and the theory is that he should work on himself, which I get, but how does she ever see that he has become an "improved man" if she's not around? What advice can we give him to attempt to retain a connection and possibly "win" her back? Unfortunately, out of sight, out of mind, means she will likely move on with her life. Especially if she has other single girlfriends to spend her time with.


It will only matter if she still loves him. 

As in the case of D1, his presence was something that she sought out when he was no longer around. From there it was a matter of communicating through actions that he was changing.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Robby04 said:


> What did I do?
> Ok.....I sent some pictures of her to some strangers
> A couple of them were sort of naked. There I have come clean.
> She realized that I was making the changes necessary over the last 6 months.
> ...


Uh, why?

How old are the two of you?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Uh, why?
> 
> How old are the two of you?


I can't answer for the OP, but I guess that men who do this think that they have a sexy wife and enjoy hearing other men tell them so.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Steve1000 said:


> I can't answer for the OP, but I guess that *boys* who do this think that they have a sexy wife and enjoy hearing other *boys* tell them so.


There. Fixed it for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

Thank you for your replies.
A lot of you seem more concerned as to why I did it?
Would it have been more acceptable if I had an affair. Probably wouldn't have asked as to why I did?
And it wasn't more of the fact of what I did, and she will agree somewhat with that.
But it was her asking me not to. And then me continuing to do it over and over again.
Like I said, once it came out in counseling. I was 100% committed to never do that again.
And I am.
But she just can't get past that I did it when she continued to ask me not to.
And I have to live with that.
She doesn't trust me anymore, and like she said she doesn't see it possible that she ever will again.

Again thanks for the input


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Robby04 said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> A lot of you seem more concerned as to why I did it?
> Would it have been more acceptable if I had an affair. Probably wouldn't have asked as to why I did?
> And it wasn't more of the fact of what I did, and she will agree somewhat with that.
> ...


So, once you got caught, you were remorseful?

I can't blame your wife. You really disrespected her and broke all trust.

I still can't fathom what would possess you to do this. And yes, to me, it is a lot worse than an affair. You're dragging an unwilling person into your twisted game.


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## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

You seem a little bitter and angry and you don't even know me.
So if you just want to berate me, why don't you just move on to someone else.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Robby.
I might be a little ruff, but here is what I think.
Based on your description, you only married for 2 years. It looks like your wife is a financial supporter of you two. What you did was very bad, and in her mind, given an opportunity, you will do it again. What you have, that is there no strong bonds between two of you, and with this episode, you made her think if this marriage to you is a mistake.
Let face it, she is financially stable, has no strong emotional attachment to you, does not trust you.
She probably considers this marriage as a mistake. I would think the chance for you to get her back is not too good.
Start preparing yourself for D, ant take this as a lesson for the future.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look, brother. 

If you don't understand why you did it, you really don't stand a chance in hell of really figuring this thing out, and in turn being able truly show your wife it won't happen again.

So back to my previous question: why?


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## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

I am
I am just trying to be nice......I have let go..........
I have done all I can do, and will continue............If I only would have listened
Thanks.....you weren't too ruff


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She asks you not to do something regarding her privacy, and you persist. 

Do you know what that behavior is also known as? A form of disrespect. She does not feel safe with you and it isn't a matter of her just getting over it. It's a matter of you broke her trust and she forgave you and you did it again. 

A person, nevermind a woman, would only put up with disrespect for so long. It will take baby steps for her to even remotely trust you again. I realize you don't see this as a big deal, but that's because you are acting as though it happened to you and not her, and you'd just shrug it off perhaps? She is her own person, your wife, and now you are learning a very important relationship lesson.


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## Robby04 (Apr 27, 2015)

That is said perfectly
Very costly lesson


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your earlier posts say the lies were about continuing to gamble online even after you promised you would stop.

Is this incorrect? Is it the gambling that you lied about over and over again?

If it was, then getting some help for a gambling problem would be a benefit for you. None of us can say that she is gone for good (although it sounds like it), but no matter what happens, you need to get a handle on your unhealthy impulses.


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