# hurt and confused



## whereistheluv (Dec 9, 2010)

hi im new here and would like some feedback. today while cleaning our home office i found a paid search report for a woman who used to be my dh mistress while he was in his first marriage. i dont think there has been any physical contact as she lives on opposite coast. i have no knowledge of any prior contact with this woman during our marriage until now. the address and phone search report was dated for august 2009. my dh surprised me with vacation plans to the same state in sept. 2009. we had a difficult year last year where my dh was very distant and actively withdrawing. i took the blame and tried to do things to help improve our connection which really was a waste of time because nothing seemed to work. this year is alot better but not totally there yet. i would like some thoughts on whether i should confront him and how to go about doing so.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont think he is really commited to you, i think he was trying to get back with her, and i think she slamed the door in his face or she got married and wouldnt talk to him...now he is mad about it and playing it out in your relationship.

how long was he married?? how long was the affair?? why did he not marry the woman he was cheating with??

i dont think she would have him hes a cheater...sooo you might be a rebound. how long had he been divorced before you knew eachother?, dated?, and got married?? 

did you know about the affair right away?? did you talk to the ex wife?? i know you are not supposed to but, she culd tell you the truth about the affair...


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Talk with your husband. Don't present evidence. Just talk with him. Ask him about this woman. ie: Do you still have feelings for her? Do you want to see her? Do you miss her? What could be better in our marriage?......


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## whereistheluv (Dec 9, 2010)

omg! i think u might be right about her turning him down because the change in his behavior was very very sudden. he was married to his ex-wife for 10yrs and i think the affair lasted maybe a year or 2 before she showed up at their house one day. yes she had the nerve to go to that lady's house AND insult her looks. so the affair ended and they moved to another state for less than a year before they separated and divorced. im not sure why he didnt go back to the ow i never asked and he didnt say. he was divorced 4yrs before i met him we dated 2yrs and then married so i dont think it was a rebound situation. we have been together almost 7yrs total and with the 4yrs after his divorce that seems like a long time to still be hung up on this ow. i can understand curiosity and maybe take a peek at an old flames social networking profile but this feels totally off. i mean he actually paid one of these premium search sites to find her and that seems like ALOT of effort to satisfy a curiosity. what would be the point if he didnt actually mean to contact her? and to make surprise vacation plans to her city and state? when he told me about the trip he had already made all the arrangements and paid the travel agent. was this so i could not object and make a suggestion to go somewhere else? so now im in a dilema as to whether i should confront him since this was over a year ago. at the same time i dont want to continue wondering what the hell all this was about.


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## whereistheluv (Dec 9, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Talk with your husband. Don't present evidence. Just talk with him. Ask him about this woman. ie: Do you still have feelings for her? Do you want to see her? Do you miss her? What could be better in our marriage?......


i see your point but im thinking if i dont come clean with what i found he may think im trying to play mind games. his first question is going to be "why are you bringing her up?" then what do i say??


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> so now im in a dilema as to whether i should confront him since this was over a year ago. at the same time i dont want to continue wondering what the hell all this was about.


This doesn't have to be so much a _confrontation_ as it is simply a talk you have with your own spouse in order to set some fears you have at east! There is no reason why you shouldn't be able to talk over something that is bothering you with your husband! That's a normal, healthy part of a good relationship.

In fact, it's so important that the fact that you are so hesitant points to some possible troubles that you probably should be working on with your hubby, even if this were not an issue! 

So talk to him! Let him know something is really bothering you, and you don't want there to be anything that stands between the two of you. I'd explain what you found - (keep it somewhere safe for now) and that it hurts you to think he might be chasing after another woman, etc. Make the entire conversation a safe one so that there isn't any reason for him to be defensive or lie, and so on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It is a massive mistake to expect honesty and openness from a spouse in a situation like this.

He’s already proven he is exceedingly capable of deceit. It is far more likely that he will try and cover his trail with more deceits, lies and denials.

People’s experience on this forum is an outstanding testimony to that fact. Anything else is pure naivety.

Bob


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## whereistheluv (Dec 9, 2010)

i already tried the safe conversation at the time he began actively withdrawing from me. that only brought about "what are you talking about", "i dont have time for another woman", "you're imaging things" etc. so since im not a naturally jealous or suspicious person i let it go thinking that maybe it was work on his mind or something else. now i see his search for her coincided with his changing toward me. so yes i feel very deceived because i gave him a chance to let it out and he lied about having interest in someone else.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

whereistheluv said:


> i already tried the safe conversation at the time he began actively withdrawing from me. that only brought about "what are you talking about", "i dont have time for another woman", "you're imaging things" etc. so since im not a naturally jealous or suspicious person i let it go thinking that maybe it was work on his mind or something else. now i see his search for her coincided with his changing toward me. so yes i feel very deceived because i gave him a chance to let it out and he lied about having interest in someone else.



Whereistheluv, well you know he is deceitful and uses denial as a defence mechanism. Be careful because that stuff can do your head in.

Denial is an exceedingly immature defence mechanism. It’s what children use when they’ve eaten all the cookies and wont own up to it. In that case it’s the parents job to teach them to accept “responsibility for their own actions”.

Denial in an adult is far more complex and difficult. Have a look at Denial - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia so you can get an idea what you are in for.

Bob


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## whereistheluv (Dec 9, 2010)

wow perfect description of what happened. now i have to decide if i want to bring it up today or wait til the weekend because he has long work hours and maybe not in a good mood to begin with. however i would like to get the discussion started today and maybe give him time to think about what it really is that he wants. of course that has a down side because it will allow more time for him to get some more lies in order. but at least now i know why he has been emotionally checked out of the marriage. i guess its hard to have an emotional and physical relationship with your wife when your mind is on someone else. however im determined not to be his backup plan if she doesnt share his interest.


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