# I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!

My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.

But I just don't need that kind of an attention that often! I do need it sometimes, but only sometimes. I would MUCH rather enjoy other kind of pleasure from him, like a back rub, but NO. He wants to give me sex. And when I don't initially want it but I do it for him, the whole act feels like a chore. When I do want it, it is great. But I want it so rarely (well, I don't feel it is too rarely for me, but for him, it is).

I guess our ways of expressing love are very different. I wouldn't mind pleasing him, but to give one's body to someone when you don't want it yourself is not a pleasant feeling at all.

So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Wow. Have you always been this selfish? Im not trying to be nasty but its a serious question.

"So what to do? Continue chore-like sex(she he gets what he wants)or have it once a month(so I get what I want)? "

If you are giving it to him once an month and he is still a generous and gentle lover then the question is what have you done for him lately...or ever?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trust me, if your husbands idea of sex is pleasing you he doesn't want chore like sex.
In fact if he knew he'd be hurt & insulted
The point to him is your pleasure and the intimacy he gets through the physical.

I don't know what to tell you, I have no idea how to increase your libido but you have no clue what this does to your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

You are married. I would hope the answer would be obvious. Compromise.


On the days, when you aren't in the mood, is it possible to simply please him in some manner perhaps in conjunction with some of the non-sexual things for you like a back rub etc?


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.

But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

It feels awful.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
> 
> My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
> 
> ...


I don't want to attack you, so let's try to look at it a different way. Reread what you have read, but replace you with your husband, and replace sex with some bonding activity that you absolutely love and need often but you know your husband is just not that into. How would you feel? How would you address it? What actions would you expect your husband to take?

Also, would it help you to know that sex for many men is not just a physical act, particularly within marriage? It is a very emotional connection that involves love and acceptance by their partner. Consider reading up on this (one book I have seen recommended is the Proper Fare and Feeding of Husbands) to get a better understanding of what might be happening.

Finally, get a copy of the His Needs Her Needs worksheets available on the web to better understand what both of you need. Getting balance on meeting each other's needs may help you to solve this. For example, if he was willing to have more none sexual physical initmancy (cuddling, messages, etc.) would you be open to more frequent sex?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


Again, flip this around. On the days when you were into it, how would it feel if your husband clearly did not want to be there, and was just going through the motions? I suspect that he knows how awful you feel about it.

Again, not trying to attack, just wanting you to see both sides. It is good that you love him enough to want to figure this out. Remember that him wanting you is inherently a good thing.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

marieJa said:


> So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?


Having sex with the ceiling inspector is really bad. He will resent you for it.

You have no obligation to have sex with him more than once per month. But if you are not able to have frequent healthy enthusiastic sex with him, your marriage will not survive.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it? I can perfectly see the situation from my husband's point of view (the reason why I have been having sex with him too often for my taste), but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.

Unless I want it too.


----------



## wifewifewife (Apr 8, 2012)

I don't think anyone should be calling you selfish. Not everyone has the same sex drive, and sex drive is not something we have a lot of control over. You have a good lover in a husband, and if you are having sex three times a week, I think that is generous of you under the circumstances. Many men would be thrilled if their wives were willing to have sex three times a week. Of course if it's a chore to you, that's not good, but are there rewards for you? The more I have sex with my husband, the more cheerful he is, the more likely he is to try to please me in other ways (like helping around the house), and the more likely he is to give me things like a back rub. As for your original question, although I feel that no woman should have sex if she doesn't want to, I'd try to continue with at least twice a week and think of it as rewarding in other ways. Also, you are young. Your sex drive will likely increase as you approach 40, and his might wane as he gets older - look on the bright side - you might meet in the middle in ten or fifteen years!


----------



## wifewifewife (Apr 8, 2012)

marieJa said:


> So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it? I can perfectly see the situation from my husband's point of view (the reason why I have been having sex with him too often for my taste), but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.
> 
> Unless I want it too.


You do make a good point, and I understand what you mean. I feel that way too sometimes. But it's a marriage, and for men, marriage means sex. So the men here just aren't going to get that, nor is your husband.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it? I can perfectly see the situation from my husband's point of view (the reason why I have been having sex with him too often for my taste), but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.
> 
> Unless I want it too.


I am really not sure how you got that from my posts. I am not telling you to do anything. What I am trying to do is get you to see that sex is a very important component to many men in a marriage. You deciding to only do it when you want to will cause big issues. I can't tell you if it is worth it, but I do want you to go into it with your eyes open.

Also, how is sharing your body different than sharing your deepest thoughts and fears? Both leave you vulnerable. What if that is what you needed, but your husband refused to do that because he did not want to? How would that affect your marriage.

_Edit_ - Let me ask what advice you are really seeking? You say you can perfectly see his side, but it sounds like that does not matter enough because you just don't want to have sex as much as you do. It is your body, and you are certainly entitled to do with it as you want. But there may be consequences to that, including your husband pulling back and/or leaving because you cannot or will not meet some of his needs. It is up to you to balance those probabilities and outcomes. I wish you luck with your decision.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

MarieJa:
Listen to the advice here. It is crucial to the strength and happiness of your marriage. What important need does your husband fulfill for you? Financial support? Household tasks and repairs? Time spent together doing enjoyable things? Gifts for you? Being a good father? What if he said that he did not see why he should do these things? He just didn't feel like it, and it was a chore that he chose to ignore.

When one person discounts the need of their spouse in a marriage, that relationship will slowly wither and die. I know that you may have trouble understanding why this is the same as sharing your body with him, but it truly equates to love for him. When you have sex with him, you are validating his masculinity. You are saying that you desire him. You are giving him warmth and comfort. You are telling him how special he is.

We women are so lucky that we can offer our love to our husbands. It is a great gift to them, and we should not discount the power that we have to create a deep relationship.

Marriage is not being rommates. It is the only relationship in life that includes sex. Some much of sexual desire is mental. Have you imagined yourself as a sexual being? Do you have any fantasies that you can conjure up with your husband? Movies or romance novels?

I am glad that you have posted here. It helps to see a path to expressing your love for your husband with your body. It has power like nothing else to bond you together.


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


His attention and mind are probably in a million places when other women talk to him, but when it's you, he looks and pays attention. I'd hope.

His mind is worth just as much as your body, in my honest opinion. I'd argue the mind is worth much more. You do things because you love him, love to please him, and love to see him happy. He also pays attention, gives attention, and tries to please you because he loves you, wants to please you, and loves to make you happy. If sex doesn't make you happy, let him know you'd rather only orgasm once a month. However, holding of his orgasm, intimacy, and need to be physical with you is like you saying, "I love you" and him saying... "I will love you later, maybe, if you are lucky.... once this month..."

This post is equivalent to a guy posting, "Why can't I just say and show my wife I love her only once a month, even if she wants to see and hear me say it all the time? "


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


why not give him an enthusastic oral ending with a hand job on the days your not up for it and he is. If you are enthuastic about it it prob wouldn't even take 10 mins.


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it? I can perfectly see the situation from my husband's point of view (the reason why I have been having sex with him too often for my taste), but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.
> 
> Unless I want it too.


Should he share his mind or attention or would you prefer him to shutdown and only talk and pay attention to you once a month?

It sounds dumb, but it is NOT EASY getting along with someone who has different likes, different personality, and not "one of the boys". We do it because we love you, and I'd say getting along and staying positive all day with my wife takes a lot more effort than her laying down with me for 15 minutes and showing me a bit of attention in return.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What if he didn't feel like going to work but one day a month? Or pick any other thing he does for you?


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Some very good points here...

My main problem is that I am afraid that I'll lose him. I have been carrying this resentment for more than a year now, and it isn't getting any better. 

So, in clear words: I am being an understanding wife, seeing what he needs and giving that to him - while I myself become more and more unhappy in our marriage. When I married him I knew I should compromise, but what I didn't know was how bad it feels to try to want to have sex, forcefully, so that our marriage would survive. 

I don't want our marriage to be like that! Maybe I am naïve, but I don't think it is a good marriage where the other feels forced to do something so that the other would stay.

(And no, of course he has never forced me to do anything. That is how I feel, anyway. And also others think that way - as one of the comments here was that if I go on my way and have sex only once a month, our marriage will fail.)

Actually, I am VERY willing to give him a BJ as often as he wants. Maybe I could talk him into it... Obviously, he doesn't like it as much as he can't please me that way. But maybe if I told him that I don't want to be pleased that way so often anyway? Would it be awful to hear that?


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Read some of these threads about how men connect emotional love with sex:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ove-language-vs-beta-weakness.html#post654935

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/42787-open-request-one-men.html


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What resentments are you holding against him? Have you told him about them?


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

wifewifewife said:


> I don't think anyone should be calling you selfish. Not everyone has the same sex drive, and sex drive is not something we have a lot of control over. You have a good lover in a husband, and if you are having sex three times a week, I think that is generous of you under the circumstances. Many men would be thrilled if their wives were willing to have sex three times a week.


I think in a few years her husband will be here asking the forum what has changed in his marriage that his wife no longer enjoys sex with him. He will be complaining that maybe they do it once a month, when they used to do it 3 or 4 times a week. Little did he know, she felt VIOLATED when she was doing it 3 or 4 times a week and his relationship physically was doomed long before he knew it. Hopefully she is communicating with him now. 


By the way, it is selfish. A low ATTENTION drive towards my wife wouldn't cut it in this world, as a low SEX drive doesn't cut it for me. Putting in the time and effort to pay attention, be loving, stay positive, and keep your wife happy takes way more work, effort and time than having 30 minutes of sex 3 times a week ever will. I am sorry. A low sex drive is a complete farce (AS AN EXCUSE) imo. You may not like or want sex as much as your spouse, but using a "sex drive" as an excuse is wrong. The same as me saying not paying attention to my wife has something to do with my attention span. WELL I BETTER LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION.

It's selfish and men give up A LOT to be with a woman, especially the GOOD MEN.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Do you dislike sex or do you dislike sex with HIM? What do you resent? Pushing through it rarely works. You need to dig deep and find out what's really going on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you aren't willing to bend, then divorce him.

That may seem pretty harsh but the fact is--he wants to have sex with you, his wife. He married you thinking he was going to get laid regularly. (Most people think this when they marry). So either you step up to the plate or leave this man so he can find someone who will. 

Don't stay in a relationship where you can't meet eachothers' most basic needs. Maybe you just need to find someone who doesn't want sex just like you don't. 

This threads always fascinate me. Even in my abd relationship with my exH, we were still averaging 2-3x a week.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

MarieJa...You are just like my wife. Sex is never on her mind or it wasn't until recently. We had it 2 times a month and that was too much for her. Now it's 3 times a week. I think it was a chore for her. It still seems that way. I THINK she enjoys it more now or pretends to when I started to sleep in the other room. 

I really hope that my wife would rather have sex than house cleaning. I don't want my wife to have sex for me, I want her to want it too. 

I would like to know more of why you don't even think about it so I can understand where my wife is coming from. I don't want to feel that I am violating or attacking my wife. That hurts. If you are thinking that way, There is a good chance he feels it. I know I feel it when (even though she initiates sex) she wants it to be over and done with. The sooner the better. ouch! It doesn't help my ego much.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AlreadyGone--what changed with your wife that she stepped it up?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you were single, this would be awesome! You could just go get some when you felt like it.

But you're not single. You're married to a man with VERY real needs. Needs that if aren't met, can cause major problems in the marriage. 

Marriage isn't about what you want. It's about what works for the both of you. It's about putting your mate's needs above your own. If you both do that, then there's a healthy compromise.

Maybe it's time to get honest with yourself and him.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If you aren't willing to bend, then divorce him.
> 
> That may seem pretty harsh but the fact is--he wants to have sex with you, his wife. He married you thinking he was going to get laid regularly. (Most people think this when they marry). So either you step up to the plate or leave this man so he can find someone who will.
> 
> Don't stay in a relationship where you can't meet eachothers' most basic needs. Maybe you just need to find someone who doesn't want sex just like you don't.


:iagree:

It's totally not fair to him to be married to someone that doesn't want him sexually. 

To the OP please please please either fix this or let him go while he's still young enough to find someone else that desires him in a way that he deserves.

And just lying on your back suffering through it is NOT desire.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

What weighs on me is this compromise that only I have to do in order for us to stay together.

There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him, but there is this one thing he would leave me for. 

That's why it feels like a chore, most of the times.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

marieJa said:


> Some very good points here...
> 
> My main problem is that I am afraid that I'll lose him. I have been carrying this resentment for more than a year now, and it isn't getting any better.
> 
> ...


offer the compromise with the truth that having full blown intercourse when your not in the mood is causing resentment to build and thats not healthy for any marriage and then say but I don't mind taking care of your needs with a nice blow job if you need it! I know if my wife said that to me I would have thought I won the lottery!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

marieJa said:


> What weighs on me is this compromise that only I have to do in order for us to stay together.
> 
> There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him, but there is this one thing he would leave me for.
> 
> That's why it feels like a chore, most of the times.


forced sexuall relations sounds like something that might make you leave!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marie--have you always felt this way about sleeping with him or is it something new??? 

Did you have a lot of s ex before?

The fact is... he is going to resent you if this keeps up. And once resentment sinks in, so does a loss of respect and then the cracks start becoming bigger, and well, you know the rest.

Recipe for disaster. 

How would you feel if he DID meet someone who desired him sexually?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

marieJa said:


> There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him


I don't believe this for a second. There are PLENTY of things he could do that would make you leave him you are just being blind to it.

You married him for some reason....what was it? Companionship? Well then what if he ignored you. Security? What if he quit working? 

Your views are limited. Think about this for a minute seriously. Why did you marry him?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And.......how are things emotionally? Do you feel emotionally connected to him? Is he loving/affectionate/there for you?


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

I think most men would be more than satisfied with getting it 3 times a week....I sure would...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ My exH always said that wasn't enough. He told me he was going to find someone to sleep with cause it was so few times. LOL. (and he did).


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

so now what? said:


> I think most men would be more than satisfied with getting it 3 times a week....I sure would...


She will stop it the minute she can. She's still young and thinks it's what she has to do to keep him. Let 3, 5, 10 years go by and I promise you she WILL get to that once a month goal. Read TAM there are plenty of miserable sexless people here. And it started out just like this.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> AlreadyGone--what changed with your wife that she stepped it up?


I ignored her. I did the 180, I started to sleep in the spare bedroom, I stopped trying to hug her (she didn't hug me in return). I still done my part around the house: cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry... What reall freaked her out was when I stopped complaining. She also saw me reading marriage books. I told her something is wrong and I wanted to fix my part. She still hasn't even opened a book yet. She saw me slipping away. I took up some hobbies as well as trying to spend more time with my daughter.

She has stepped up and has changed all for me. Although she seems to enjoy sex lasts for too long and I know it's painful for her. I can't help that. When I go slow, I last even longer and for her its "hurry up and be done with it... I am sleepy"!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's sad. No one gets married to be celibate.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


Oh, I do go to work 3-5 times a week. I love her so I want to give her things. Bit it weighs on me - you highly motivated people have no idea how it feels to give your TIME half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

So how would you feel if he said this to you?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash--why did you like my comment above? Lol. 



Already Gone said:


> I ignored her. I did the 180, I started to sleep in the spare bedroom, I stopped trying to hug her (she didn't hug me in return). I still done my part around the house: cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry... What reall freaked her out was when I stopped complaining. She also saw me reading marriage books. I told her something is wrong and I wanted to fix my part. She still hasn't even opened a book yet. She saw me slipping away. I took up some hobbies as well as trying to spend more time with my daughter.
> 
> She has stepped up and has changed all for me. Although she seems to enjoy it, it last for too long and I know it's painful for her. I can't help that. When I go slow, I last even longer and for her its "hurry up and be done with it... I am sleepy"!


I am glad to hear things are working between between you guys. See, compromise goes such a long way!!! 



that_girl said:


> It's sad. No one gets married to be celibate.


Well judging by some of these threads, TG...


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

that_girl said:


> It's sad. No one gets married to be celibate.



agreed


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> What weighs on me is this compromise that only I have to do in order for us to stay together.
> 
> There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him, but there is this one thing he would leave me for.
> 
> That's why it feels like a chore, most of the times.


It's not what he could do, it's what if he decided he didn't want to do anymore, except maybe once a month. I am positive if he decided to stop doing something you love, even if its something as small as laughing at your jokes, except one time, once a month, you'd eventually leave him. Your compromise is about you wanting to STOP doing something which played a big part in him possibly marrying you for in the first place. 

Guys do not get married to never have sex again..... 

Although....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> It I am positive if he decided to stop doing something you love, even if its something as small as laughing at your jokes, once a month, you'd leave him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Especially after you have voiced that it's something you LOVE and he did not do it. Or, if you told him he was doing something you did not LIKe that made you feel HURT/invalidated and he continued to do it (cause that is what you are doing by not sleeping with him)........

Nothing breeds resentment more than WILLFULLY and INTENTIONALLY NOT meeting your partner's needs/meeting them halfway.

Ick.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

wifewifewife said:


> sex drive is not something we have a lot of control over.
> 
> *I completely disagree. Sex drive is something you definitely do have control over. Its that control that has many men living in sexless marriages. Studies have been done that prove women physically are more erotically responsive than men. But their minds overrule their bodies most of the time. Sex drive is most assuredly a choice.*


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Some very good points here...
> 
> My main problem is that I am afraid that I'll lose him. I have been carrying this resentment for more than a year now, and it isn't getting any better.
> 
> ...


Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist?


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

It seems guys cannot get my point here. 

It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.

Just like there are different hair colors, there are different sex drives. Mine is low.

Other than my feelings about having to have sex, our relationship is amazing. We are very connected, we make each other laugh, we flirt, we do plenty of little gestures to make the other happy... The list goes on.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Mavash--why did you like my comment above? Lol.


It proves a point. The OP thinks by giving him sex 3 times a week it GUARANTEES he won't leave. You just proved this to be a lie. People leave for all kinds of reasons and not all of them good ones either.

Sucks but it's true.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> What weighs on me is this compromise that only I have to do in order for us to stay together.
> 
> There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him, but there is this one thing he would leave me for.
> 
> That's why it feels like a chore, most of the times.


Really? If he only talked to you once a month when he felt like it would you stay with him? You don't see what he does for you everyday as a compromise from what he may want to what he knows you need? That is a very selfish attitude IMO.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

marieJa said:


> We are very connected, we make each other laugh, we flirt, we do plenty of little gestures to make the other happy... The list goes on.


Fair enough.

So lets say he's decided to ONLY make you laugh ONCE a month, ONLY flirt once a month, and ONLY do ONE gesture a month....how would you feel then?

Would your relationship still be so amazing?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sex is a big deal in marriage. Did ya'll not notice your low drive before marriage? He wants sex. you give it once a month because you don't even think about it.

Sometimes it's not about wanting it, it's about wanting to please your partner.

I hate sweeping the garage, but I do it because I know hubs likes it. He HATES doing dishes but he does them because I cook. I can't stand cleaning up or doing laundry but I do it almost daily because it has to be done. lol. It's not about ME ME ME. It's about my family and marriage.

We're not saying to have sex every day...but when you do have sex, try to think about pleasing him and not the mess, etc that you don't like.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> It proves a point. The OP thinks by giving him sex 3 times a week it GUARANTEES he won't leave. You just proved this to be a lie. People leave for all kinds of reasons and not all of them good ones either.
> 
> Sucks but it's true.


Gotcha. But I am the one who ended up leaving.

For the very issue we're discussing in this thread--when you voice a concern/that your partner is hurting you by an action or inaction and they REFUSE to meet you halfway, refuse to acknowledge pain/hurt and continue doing the same thing--there is no relationship at that point.

That is why I left.


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> She will stop it the minute she can. She's still young and thinks it's what she has to do to keep him. Let 3, 5, 10 years go by and I promise you she WILL get to that once a month goal. Read TAM there are plenty of miserable sexless people here. And it started out just like this.


This is the exact reason my first marriage failed


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I hate sweeping the garage, but I do it because I know hubs likes it.


Precisely. I hate scrubbing the toilet but I will accept nothing less than a porceilan-shiny look. 

Same concept. LOL.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
> 
> ...


Hi! I posted once about my H always wanting sex and how aggravating it was... Someone, not sure who, pointed out that I ought to look at it differently, in that I should be flattered my H wants me, take it as a compliment kind of thing. 

But I'm in the same boat as you, and I could go without sex myself... I never thought about what it means for my H to have those intimate moments. 

It really sounds like you want confirmation that your H should just do it when you feel like it -- once a month. Can you see how that seems a bit selfish? 

How often did you have sex with your H before you married him?


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Marie, if you knew you had a low sex drive and he had a high sex drive and married him anyway that's all on you. If you didn't know you should have talked about it if you knew your sex drive was that low. If your sex drive has decreased you should begin to investigate as to why that is. It sounds like your husband has a normal sex drive and is very attracted to you. Most women would be very happy with that situation.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> And the OP IS hurting her husband by not desiring him. And odds are he WILL leave her over it one day.
> 
> This is her wakeup call.


Exactly. That's what I am saying. She will drive him away.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And it's sad too because all he wants to do it show his love for her in a sexual way.

Not like he wants her to do something crazy.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And if/when he does meet a woman who desires him and he goes for it... it is going to KILL her. It may be only then that she realizes that she could have done that for him.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

sex drives are not constant....change is inevitable....someone you love is more than just a sex object....while sex is impt, it is not ALL impt...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah it's not ALL important however it definitely has its place in this marriage since he wants her sexually.

*I say "*this*" marriage because it would be different if they BOTH did not want sex and were ok with it. That is NOT the case here.

This goes back to needs: partners need to meet eachothers' needs. If she wont do it, she should get out and find someone who doesn't want sex just like she does not.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious about the pre-marital sex life question as well...

So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? Someone who finds him attractive, sexual, and doesn't mind "cleaning up" after? So long as you get yours once a month, it should all be good, right? Because sex has nothing to do with building and maintaining an emotional connection... And it IS your body, so you're entitled to do what you want with it. But by the same logic, he should be able to take HIS body out to the local meat market and have wild kinky monkey sex with whatever skank he finds interesting...

It IS a reasonable expectation that once people get married, there will be a "healthy" sex life, in my opinion. After all, you vow monogamy, not celibacy. At at once a month, you're flirting with a sexless marriage. Give you another 5 years, and I wouldn't be surprised that you're down to once every six months. 

My recommendation... Figure out what's going on. Hormonal birth control (or hormone issues in general) can wreak havoc on your sex drive. Have you had that checked out, to ensure there's nothing physical causing the issue?

Just my thoughts... Marriage is a whole lot of compromising we do to maintain a relationship with someone we love and chose to be with. If you can't work out a compromise on an issue, that's where the big conflicts occur.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm curious about the pre-marital sex life question as well...
> 
> So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? Someone who finds him attractive, sexual, and doesn't mind "cleaning up" after? So long as you get yours once a month, it should all be good, right? Because sex has nothing to do with building and maintaining an emotional connection... And it IS your body, so you're entitled to do what you want with it. But by the same logic, he should be able to take HIS body out to the local meat market and have wild kinky monkey sex with whatever skank he finds interesting...
> 
> ...


sometimes once a month is all the mate can give at the time...life is full of changes....you just never know what will happen...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

so now what? said:


> sometimes once a month is all the mate can give at the time...life is full of changes....you just never know what will happen...


Um, you're deluded. 

Unless there is a medical problem or a locket on her vagina that only opens up 1 day a month, she CAN give it more than "once a month."

It's clear from your posts you think not having sex is fine and that is your opinion but the point you are missing is he wants to sleep with her and she won't do it. Meaning one half of the marriage partnership is not having needs met. That spells DISASTER. 

That is like starving a child who is hungry. And not only that, it's like not even wanting to feed them the 1x you do since you consider it a "chore."

Omg.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
> 
> ...


Hi marieJa ~

There may be different sex DRIVES, but there are also different sex DRIVERS.

So, I generally have a much lower drive for sex than my H. He has a lot of testosterone that as a woman I wasn't blessed with, so he has much more spontaneous desire. That's a fairly normal drive profile for a lot of couples. It took me a while to accept myself as being normal ... in that my viewpoint of it and sexuality didn't make any sense in being compared to his, nor does it make sense the other way around. We are each unique, and as such, we had to first accept that we were each as individuals normal, and we had to accept that the other was also normal. When we got to that point, we really started to be able to connect with each other on a different plane.

You can have a lower drive for sex...but you can also have a high desire to connect with, please, and give to your spouse (that's the DRIVER within you that is high.)

I may have a lower drive, but I have a much, much higher desire to please and to give ... and that is was makes the difference. My body is not just mine ... it is also his. His body is not just his ... it is also mine. Our bodies and our lives are inter-twined.

You mentioned you had resentment ... if so, then there is not just all peaches and cream in your relationship. The resentment is slowing poisoning it.

What are you resentful of? Having to be accommodating?

Do you get no emotional fulfillment out of sex? Are there other areas where you seek emotional fulfillment from him and he isn't there for you?

Have you actively engaged him in conversation about how you feel?

The first step toward a resolution is to try and get ahold of your resentments, and to honestly communicate your feelings and desires and fears to your husband. If you can't do that, then yah ... sharing your body will be difficult ... because before you can truly do that, you have to be able and willing to open yourself up and share your heart as well.

Best wishes.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
> 
> ...


Do you think he feels that way about your connection? I am just wondering how well you hide your resentment over having to have sex all the time. I also wonder if he would consider your your connection all that and a bag of chips if you only had sex once a month.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Marie, do your husband a favour and let him find someone sexually compatible. Most people couldn't be in a relationship with someone with your drive. And you're only 25?! imagine what will happen as the years go by


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
> 
> ...


If only he was gay or a girl huh?

In marriage its about the word "us", not me or mine.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I also wonder if he would consider your your connection all that and a bag of chips if you only had sex once a month.


:rofl: "all that and a bag of chips."

She is basically giving him a pity fvck 1x a month. He has to know she's not into it. No person would be happy with someone doing something just to appease them, who felt it was a "chore." So not cool/loving/healthy.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Pretty soon he'll stop coming for it too because he'll hate feeling rejected or "pitied". 

Then the detachment begins.

And the late nights at work just to not come home.

Sad situation.

There are times when I'm not thinking about it at that moment, but Hubs gets all cute and enticing and I get into it. I love making him satisfied that way and I love how vulnerable he gets with me. It's precious and only for me. I treasure it.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

so now what? said:


> sometimes once a month is all the mate can give at the time...life is full of changes....you just never know what will happen...


You're right, sometimes that is the case. Sometimes less often than that. But when someone is choosing not to have sex with their partner, rather than not being able to... That's a big difference. Same as someone choosing to be unemployed rather than trying to find a job and being unable to. It's not like the OP CAN'T have sex with her husband, she just doesn't want to.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Um, you're deluded.
> 
> Unless there is a medical problem or a locket on her vagina that only opens up 1 day a month, she CAN give it more than "once a month."
> 
> ...


I don't think not having sex is fine...I do think that sometimes other things are more impt than how often you have sex....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> If only he was gay or a girl huh?
> 
> In marriage its about the word "us", not me or mine.


And there is the crux of the problem. 

Her thread title actually solves it all ''' *I *want... why should *I* have it more??"

I, ME, Myself 

It's all about her, not him. 

Therein the problem lies.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Fair enough.
> 
> So lets say he's decided to ONLY make you laugh ONCE a month, ONLY flirt once a month, and ONLY do ONE gesture a month....how would you feel then?
> 
> Would your relationship still be so amazing?


What a ridiculous argument. 

All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?

He is a lovely person. For me, he could just continue being the way he is, and I would love him. I would never make him do something against his will.

We had sex in a similar fashion before marriage. We talked about this issue, and we thought that our drives would eventually get closer to each other.

I'm not on any medication, nor have I any other issues. Believe me when I tell you that I just have a low drive.


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm curious about the pre-marital sex life question as well...
> 
> So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? Someone who finds him attractive, sexual, and doesn't mind "cleaning up" after? So long as you get yours once a month, it should all be good, right? Because sex has nothing to do with building and maintaining an emotional connection... And it IS your body, so you're entitled to do what you want with it. But by the same logic, he should be able to take HIS body out to the local meat market and have wild kinky monkey sex with whatever skank he finds interesting...
> 
> ...


I felt the like button didn't do it enough justice so I wanted to extra extra like this one.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

PBear said:


> It's not like the OP CAN'T have sex with her husband, she just doesn't want to.


Ding ding ding! 

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

It's a CHOICE that she is making. She is INTENTIONALLY choosing not to meet his needs.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: "all that and a bag of chips."
> 
> She is basically giving him a pity fvck 1x a month. He has to know she's not into it. No person would be happy with someone doing something just to appease them, who felt it was a "chore." So not cool/loving/healthy.


I suspect there is a real disconnect with their perceptions. She sees it as this ultimate sacrifice that she is giving him her body so often. He sees it as her going thorough the motions and not really caring. In some ways, very similar to a person volunteering for a cause, then [email protected]$$ing it the whole way and wondering why people are not grateful for their donation of time.

It is really not healthy for either of them.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, do what you do and keep up this attitude about sex- Only having it when YOU want it. 

But don't be shocked when it becomes a HUGE problem.

It's your marriage, not ours.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, do what you do and keep up this attitude about sex- Only having it when YOU want it.
> 
> But don't be shocked when it becomes a HUGE problem.
> 
> It's your marriage, not ours.


No need to be sarcastic....she is looking for help here...


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marieJa said:


> What a ridiculous argument.
> 
> All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?
> 
> He is a lovely person. For me, he could just continue being the way he is, and I would love him. I would never make him do something against his will.


Divorce him.

You do not care about him, well not the way he wants to be cared for. 

The issue here is YOU are fine with the status quo. He isn't. 

Sucks for him royally.

It's not a ridicuous argument that was made. It's The Truth. If you told your husband you were unhappy with him doing X and he KNEW it and continued to do it, it would NOT make you happy.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: "all that and a bag of chips."
> 
> She is basically giving him a pity fvck 1x a month. He has to know she's not into it. No person would be happy with someone doing something just to appease them, who felt it was a "chore." So not cool/loving/healthy.


Actually Marie said she is having sex with him 3-5 times a week but is building up resentment over having to share her body with her husband when she only wants sex once a month. I think she needs to figure out why she is building up resentment toward her husband when she should be elated over providing him a loving connection to her.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> What a ridiculous argument.
> 
> All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?


So I will just reask what PBear did:

Would you be fine if he found someone else for the sex, and let the rest of everything be great? If not, why not?

As for why is sex a must, reread my first post on why many men need sex in marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I suspect there is a real disconnect with their perceptions.


Bingo.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

so now what? said:


> No need to be sarcastic....she is looking for help here...


I'm not being sarcastic. 

People are giving advice and she says she's fine. 

So...ok. No one can help her then if she just wants to argue about it. 

Not wanting sex (low drive) is a problem with someone who wants it more often. She wants to argue that it shouldn't be. But it is, that's just how it goes.

At some point he'll resent her attitude about sex.

Then what? What will he do? Who knows.

So...it's her marriage. Not ours. What is sarcastic about that? I feel she came here thinking people would be on her side about it. I think she thought people would applaud her for her sacrificing her body when she doesn't feel like it. Like she is the victim here. 

But it's HER MARRIAGE. We don't know her marriage other than what she wrote here. Hopefully her husband is ok with things and there won't be any problems...but that's not usually the case.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> What a ridiculous argument.
> 
> All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but this is an extremely selfish post. Just because you don't consider sex that important is no reason to dismiss its importance to your husband. The argument is not ridiculous. Its just that you are too focused on your needs to see its relevance.

And you do not have the right to say what is work for your husband and what is not. When you want to talk about your day but your husband is tired and would rather watch TV but sits and listens to you...that is not work? And how much "work" is it to have sex and show love and an emotional connection to your husband?


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I'm not being sarcastic.
> 
> People are giving advice and she says she's fine.
> 
> ...


it was the way in which you said it....


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

marieJa said:


> What a ridiculous argument.
> 
> All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?
> 
> ...


Okay then, why don't you just go to once a month and see what happens? Why are you even asking for advice? You don't want to increase your drive, you want your H to decrease his. 

You make it sound like your H is raping you for wanting to have sex with you beyond what you want... You are bringing these resentments on yourself because you are the one having sex with him. The next time he is horny and wants sex, just say no. See where that get's you.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

so now what? said:


> it was the way in which you said it....


This is the internet. Sarcasm is read in ways it wasn't meant to be.

It's ok.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> This is the internet. Sarcasm is read in ways it wasn't meant to be.
> 
> It's ok.


I didn't take it to be sarcastic. But then again I've probably read 7,556 of that_girl's 7558 posts....oops 7559.

lol


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SprucHub said:


> The best analogy I can think of is to say picture your relationship exactly as it is, except that he called you fat or ugly 20 days a month, and pretty and beautiful 1 day a month. Would you feel pretty? Would you feel respected and loved. Would your needs be met.


GREAT analogy.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

so now what? said:


> No need to be sarcastic....she is looking for help here...


It wasn't sarcasm it was TRUTH. And honestly, she isn't asking for help, she is asking for affirmation.

She is right, it is her body and if she doesn't want sex, stop having it. She has EVERY right. But there WILL be consequences, either now or down the road...


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

THANK YOU.

I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> THANK YOU.
> 
> I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.


No, just remember that if you reduce the sex, the relationship will change.

Again, if you do that, are you okay with him having sex with someone else while you remain married?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marieJa said:


> THANK YOU.
> 
> I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.


Dude. You're so wrong. If you think FAKING wanting to have sex with your husband "makes him" stay with you, you are in for a RUDE awakening.

If that is TRULY how you view sex with him, then just leave him.

Or he will leave you.

Or you will both be miserable. Well maybe not you since you are fine with the status quo. But he won't be happy


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Still, we are doing it at least three times a week.

I have actually brought up a possibility of a lover. He told me he could never do that - he loves me too much.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

marieJa,

This is going to sound harsh and I apologize but listen to your post. You are a fraud. You don't have sex with your husband to "make him stay". You are missing the entire point of everyones comments. You should want to meet his needs because you love him and therefore he wants to stay.

"make him stay" sounds like he is imprisoned. If it is truly making you miserable, get out and release him as well. You won't feel the resentment and he will hopefully find someone that truly desires him and wants to meet his needs.

I am telling you this because I am living it. My wife and I have a terrific relationship as you describe but she has no drive and zero desire for me and it is killing me slowly.... (faster now after 8 or so years of this...)


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Ok I have some honest questions.

were you brought up in a household where sex was never talked about or was thought to be dirty and wrong?

have you explored masterbation and have you learned what you like and don't like?


have you comunicated to your husband how you like to be aproched for sex?

do you read romance novels?(they sometime give an unrealictic idea about real life sex just like porn dose)

do you orgasm when having sex with your husband?

After you get started most women say they get into it and then wonder why they were reluctant to begin with?

are you happy with your body image?
are you happy with his body image?
do you respect him?

would you be willing to seek professional help?
would you be willing to read selfhelp books about marriage?


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

marieJa said:


> Still, we are doing it at least three times a week.
> 
> I have actually brought up a possibility of a lover. He told me he could never do that - he loves me too much.


He says that now. Give it 5-10 years...


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marieJa said:


> THANK YOU.
> 
> I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.


Hi marieJa ~

Okay, you are getting a lot of heat here.  I'm sorry about that.

Do you actively engage your H in conversation about how you feel?

The only way that you and your H will get through this is if you are open to each other. If you can't be open about it, then you will start to feel like you do ... resentful of the situation. Eventually that resentment is what will cause things to fall apart in your marriage.

Are you afraid that your husband will leave you? Are you insecure in his love and devotion to you? If so, why?

Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience ... and you should be able to get to a reasonable frequency that works for both of you if you are both willing to work toward that end. Is he willing to be compromising as well?

Best wishes.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hi marieJa ~
> 
> Okay, you are getting a lot of heat here.  I'm sorry about that.
> 
> ...


I think marieJa is getting heat becuase the only positions she seems willing to entertain are sex on her schedule or martyrdom. There has not been a lot of "couple" thinking in her posts.

Having said that, I think Enchanted is spot on in that you need to discuss this. Is there a compromise? Your posts don't seem to indicate one, but if you had sex once a week with a couple of BJ/HJs thrown in, would that be acceptable without resentment? Have you suggested this to him and gotten his thoughts?


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

marieJa said:


> THANK YOU.
> 
> I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.


Actually yes. This is exactly the difference between a really good friend and a wife/mate. The intimacy and sexual connection. You should either be doing it because you want it, or you want to do it for him because you love him. Your current schedule of two or three times a week is fine as long as you are coming across as enthusiastic and not begrudgedly.

You have a fairly uniform response here from everyone - but you are unwilling to hear it as you would like to convince us otherwise.

It comes down to this. If you seriously feel "violated" being intimate and having sex with your husband then you have some issues you need to deal with. He sounds from your own description as a very loving, responsible, caring, affectionate man. And your relationship sounds like what many people would kill for. You are a lucky woman.

However, should you decide to treat him more as a friend - the very best result you will get is that he will become one. A more likely outcome is the relationship will fail and you will both move on.

And your odds of finding as "GOOD" a man, that has as low a sex drive as yourself are probably about 1000000 to 1. So unless your really happy with cats I would think your best interest is to enjoy a very good sounding relationship with a very good sounding husband.

Who obviously loves you very much.


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> What a ridiculous argument.
> 
> All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?
> 
> ...


A similar fashion, which is 3 times a week (what you say you are doing now, even though you hate it). Not once a month. So yes, you are taking something away from him, no matter how you try to word it, if you are trying to justify ONCE A MONTH. Which is what the analogy meant. Taking something away that you have been doing since you met him.

Also, everything + sex?

An "everything" without sex, intimacy, caring for your spouses needs and happiness, and a lot of self centered behavior is a pretty crappy "everything". You have a lot to work on.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Aristotle said:


> A similar fashion, which is 3 times a week (what you say you are doing now, even though you hate it). Not once a month. So yes, you are taking something away from him, no matter how you try to word it, if you are trying to justify ONCE A MONTH. Which is what the analogy meant. Taking something away that you have been doing since you met him.
> 
> Also, everything + sex?
> 
> An "everything" without sex, intimacy, caring for your spouses needs and happiness, and a lot of self centered behavior is a pretty crappy "everything". You have a lot to work on.


Yup, that's not even a good friend. What she describes is a friendship with a very occasional booty call. A marriage it does not make.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Just getting caught up on this thread, but my wife feels the same way you do marieja. She wants sex about 4-6x a year... the rest of the time she'll have sex with me, but frankly she'd rather be doing anything else... and I mean anything.

I can tell when she's not into it vs when she is, and I have verbally confirmed on what I pick up on, so it's not just my imagination. From my perspective as the husband I accept the sex and appreciate the effort put in... still it feels hollow.

I know in my head that she loves me, but in my heart I feel empty and rejected... almost all the time and it eats at me (we've been married for ~15 years now). For the first 12 years I took it and just put away those feelings, but over the past 3 they have really been a struggle to deal with.

So my feedback is this, go see a sex therapist (we just finished our 2nd session today). Get at the heart of the matter before you end up breaking your husband's heart.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Browncoat, would you mind if I PM'd you?


----------



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Why these LD people think thats Ok to make another person live like this I will never get it.Being married to them is like a judge giving you a life sentence.And no chance getting off for good behaveal.There is no success rate for trying to change a LD person.You can be the best man in the world to her.Be her everything and you will get no where with them. The painful thing is most of us are not willing to throw everything away because of it.It becomes who we are.Its such a shame to live in a relationship with a unbalance sex life.I really feel that anyone who will not be part of what you need from them sexually should deceide that they are the one with the problem and should offer to change or get help.Or be willing to leave the marriage because they failed at it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You married under false pretenses. Bait and switch. Now you want to change the rules of the game. AND you don't want to feel guilty about it. Sounds like you're a cake eater.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

I really hoped to hear from the original poster a little more to see what she was inferring from this discussion.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

One thing that isn't being addressed is the husbands role in this: From what I could tell he was insistent on making her pleasure the priority - so he only felt satisfied if SHE had an orgasm. I'd suggest that this is nice guy behaviour, if it's taken to this extreme. If she's willing to satisfy his needs, but everytime doesn't need to be the full meal deal, that seems fair. 

But is he willing to take a weekly blow job in lieu of sex?


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

seeking sanity said:


> One thing that isn't being addressed is the husbands role in this: From what I could tell he was insistent on making her pleasure the priority - so he only felt satisfied if SHE had an orgasm. I'd suggest that this is nice guy behaviour, if it's taken to this extreme. If she's willing to satisfy his needs, but everytime doesn't need to be the full meal deal, that seems fair.
> 
> But is he willing to take a weekly blow job in lieu of sex?


Interesting question....


----------



## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I have not read through all the posts yet but I think your age (not being insulting here) has a lot to do with it. I married young, I am 29 and about to celebrate my 8th anniversary and just in the passed couple of years I have caught on to how important sex is to a marriage. It took me WAY too long.

I know what it is like to have a low drive with a high drive spouse so I sympathize with you both. But I can almost guarantee you one day you will be the one with the higher drive and see how it feels for the shoe to be on the other foot.. I just went through it myself and let me tell you it SUCKED! My husband eventually didn't want sex anymore if it was like a chore to me so he stopped asking and stopped initiating. It took that to make me realize how important sex is and that to a man it is not just about getting off.

To try and get in the mood more maybe you could start reading some trashy romance novels?? 

I also learned that I didn't like the idea of having sex when I wasn't in the mood but once we get going I get really into it.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> One thing that isn't being addressed is the husbands role in this: From what I could tell he was insistent on making her pleasure the priority - so he only felt satisfied if SHE had an orgasm. I'd suggest that this is nice guy behaviour, if it's taken to this extreme. If she's willing to satisfy his needs, but everytime doesn't need to be the full meal deal, that seems fair.
> 
> But is he willing to take a weekly blow job in lieu of sex?


Actually that's an excellent point. I think the answer lies somewhere in the middle. I think it would be very fair to substitute a session or two with a oral and maybe have intercourse once a week. With girl time that would be sex 3 times a month with oral and handjobs in between. Sounds like a fair compromise. And I agree - her orgasm isn't a necessity every time if SHE doesn't want it. But it shouldn't be excluded if she does. It may even work out that she starts off to satisify him and ends up getting aroused and wanting orgasm and may in the end have a side benefit of actually giving her much more time to warm up to the idea and get into it. And if she doesn't he's still taken care of and being actively loved.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

seeking sanity said:


> One thing that isn't being addressed is the husbands role in this: From what I could tell he was insistent on making her pleasure the priority - so he only felt satisfied if SHE had an orgasm. I'd suggest that this is nice guy behaviour, if it's taken to this extreme. If she's willing to satisfy his needs, but everytime doesn't need to be the full meal deal, that seems fair.
> 
> But is he willing to take a weekly blow job in lieu of sex?


I suspect there are things he is doing that lessen her attraction to him. If he were here, there are somethings I would suggest to help the situation.

Unfortunately, he is not here, so unless marieJa left him a copy of the Married Man's Sex Primer or something similar, I am not sure what can be done about that.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I didn't read the entire thread, but man it grew fast! However don't be so quick to assume that this a bait and switch.

Sometimes a LD person can be surprised they feel that way, and didn't know before kids get into the picture. Once kids are in the picture it's not trivial to just end the marriage, at least not for some.

I'd also wager to guess that most HD + LD married couples that their marriage is pretty good to great out of the bedroom, else divorce would have already happened. So even though the sex isn't there the love still is (as well as any life with kids and whatnot), so it's hard to just end the marriage.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> I didn't read the entire thread, but man it grew fast! However don't be so quick to assume that this a bait and switch.
> 
> Sometimes a LD person can be surprised they feel that way, and didn't know before kids get into the picture. Once kids are in the picture it's not trivial to just end the marriage, at least not for some.
> 
> I'd also wager to guess that most HD + LD married couples that their marriage is pretty good to great out of the bedroom, else divorce would have already happened. So even though the sex isn't there the love still is (as well as any life with kids and whatnot), so it's hard to just end the marriage.


One point I have been trying to get across is that because sex is still there (even if it grudgingly given), things are pretty good. Because she wants to change the frequency, their relationship will change. How depends on a lot of factors, but it is not reasonable to think that everything else will stay the same.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> One point I have been trying to get across is that because sex is still there (even if it grudgingly given), things are pretty good. Because she wants to change the frequency, their relationship will change. How depends on a lot of factors, but it is not reasonable to think that everything else will stay the same.


Agreed. Yeah things will change with a change in frequency. What's more things will eventually change even at the same frequency.

From my experience the marriage is in trouble even if things feel acceptable now, seeds of resentment are likely germinating in one or both of their hearts. That's what concerns me most.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> I didn't read the entire thread, but man it grew fast! However don't be so quick to assume that this a bait and switch.
> 
> Sometimes a LD person can be surprised they feel that way, and didn't know before kids get into the picture. Once kids are in the picture it's not trivial to just end the marriage, at least not for some.
> 
> I'd also wager to guess that most HD + LD married couples that their marriage is pretty good to great out of the bedroom, else divorce would have already happened. So even though the sex isn't there the love still is (as well as any life with kids and whatnot), so it's hard to just end the marriage.


"I'd also wager to guess that most HD + LD married couples that their marriage is pretty good to great out of the bedroom, else divorce would have already happened. So even though the sex isn't there the love still is (as well as any life with kids and whatnot), so it's hard to just end the marriage"


Agreed....


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue. 

The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.

I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...


Sadly it doesn't always. My wife is now 43 (almost 44) and it never happened. Like you she's never had much of a drive, if she could have sex a handful of times a year she would.

Not trying to discourage you, but rather not encourage you to wait and see if Mother Nature fixes things for a few years.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

marieJa said:


> THANK YOU.
> 
> I see that I have to want to have the sex / fake to want to have the sex in order to be a good wife & make him stay with me.


marieJa,

If we back away from the subject of assuming that faking it is your only option, I think it is healthier (I hope) to look at it how a typical man might see it. Maybe your husband would be different, but I'm trying to help.

The problem would be that many men in his situation couldn't resist making the connection that it is him that is the problem. He'd always be thinking that if he could just love you more, or make your heart jump with passion, then the completely natural responses might begin to occur. You see it objectively as a matter of sex drive, but we do have a strong cultural inclination to believe that a woman's love for a man overcomes this. He'll try to accept it because all of your other actions are supporting your comment, but he'll always wonder if some other man, some where, would make that a non-issue with you. Later, he'll sense that you are giving something reluctantly, and the natural thought might be that other women might naturally tie their sex drive to their love for their husband. 

I would suggest having a serious discussion with your husband about this, but from the point of view that your goal in this is to explore ways to find balance, so that both of you are only acting out of love, and not because of guilt. Personally, I believe that we can grow to enjoy parts of the relationship that we initially do not need often. So much of this growth comes through understanding the type of love our spouse puts into the marriage, really seeing the energy they put into us. It begins to affect us profoundly. Or when we see how they are moved by our presence in their life, we do change over time, if we let ourself.

I'm just urging more of the resolve you are already expressing, I know, but don't assume that biology will be the only vehicle to get you there. Really connecting to each other, understanding each other's motivations and needs, can motivate you beyond the biological changes that might occur over time.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

marieJa said:


> I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...


Unfortunately you cannot bank on that (and he may not wait or you may keep just building resentment). My wife had a fairly good drive early in our relationship, pre-children. Hers has been in the tank for several years and she is now 45...

That isn't to say that I haven't caused some of it too but if that is the case she isn't telling me why.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I couldn't get through all these posts on this thread, but LionelHutz wrote early on, in marriage there is compromise. And in this case I think it would definitely apply - the OP says she would be happy with once a month, but they are doing it 3-5 times a week... And neither of them are probably getting complete fulfillment out of those 3-5 times a week. If they compromised on twice a week and started practicing that kind of pace, I suspect the OP's libido would come back a little stronger, would feel that she could happily give herself more than once a month (her desire for it right now is conditional on her getting much more sex than she wants) I also think that her H would probably react well to both her increased enjoyment from the slightly more restricted schedule plus the extra days are more time for him to be more seductive and have a chance to build up some sexual anticipation and foreplay. Just my opinion.


----------



## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

One thing to keep in mind. Your husband sounds sensitive and thoughtful. Be careful how you frame this..... if you tell him your resentful and violated for years having sex with him and only ever wanted it once a month..... well those are words that he will NEVER forget and will have long reaching consequences. You definately need to talk with him... just be careful the words you use and how you describe things. 

Explaining that you love to pleasure him but don't need it or desire it as often yourself sounds a lot different to a guy than...

I feel violated and resentful over the frequency I must be there for you....


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

PBear said:


> So if sex is that unimportant to you, you wouldn't mind him outsourcing it to someone else then? C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is what I told my wife. Just like the OP... She never thought of sex. I didn't tell her that I would cheat. What I did tell her that if she didn't want the sex, I will stop pushing and I would look elsewhere. I guess that was threatning to cheat. I even told her I would be happy to leave.

She finally understands now.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Pretty soon he'll stop coming for it too because he'll hate feeling rejected or "pitied".
> 
> Then the detachment begins.
> 
> ...


That was when I did my 180. I stopped all interest with my wife I worked later, I took up hobbies. Eve sleeping in another room. 

Eventually the OP husband will do the same.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
> 
> The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.


One thing I did not see in your posts (and I apologize if I missed it) was giving him an opportunity to compromise. You seem to have done it on your own, and now are resentful that he does not make a sacrifice. If accurate, I am sure you can see how that is not fair to him or your marraige. Work on being open with him so that you both can figure these things out. It can help you avoid resentments. I raise this because you are here and it is a positive step you can take. Best of luck.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

marieJa said:


> So everyone here thinks that I should just share my body even though I don't feel like it?
> 
> ... but what no one seems to see here that sharing a body is a different thing than e.g. cleaning the house or doing any other kind of a favour. It feels like a violation of own space and identity.
> 
> Unless I want it too.


I know exactly what you mean, and I agree. Your body is yours, and you should never do something which makes you feel violated. But normal healthy married sex should be something that you desire and it should never feel violating.

Do you have a history of child sex abuse or some form of sexual assault?

Sometimes you won't be thinking about sex but then your husband initiates. Is it then a violation to you if you have sex? To me there is an unhealthy disconnect if you are seeing sex as something unpleasant or something you are doing _against your will_.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Marie,

As I wrote before, My wife is just like you. YOUR thread is more interesting than mine though. Its the same though. If I didn't know better, I would think that YOU ARE MY WIFE...From her point of veiw. That would be a hoot!

Even though we have sex more than ever before. We have had more sex in the past year than the pervious 18 years combined, She does so out of fear of me walking out of our marriage. I am a good hardworking, healthy handsome man. I have NO FEAR leaving the marriage. 

Sex is huge.

I heard on TAM months ago from another poster.

You can have sex without marriage. But you can't have a marriage without sex. 

My wife still feels the way you do. Yes it is 3-4 times a week. But....I don't feel she desires me. She is a good actor. I do so much oral and take care of her first. I WANT TO PLEASE HER IN EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. Then she will do the chore of taking care of my needs.

We have a great relationship in most other ways othe than normal married stuff. Mostly, I want her to desire me.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> We have a great relationship in most other ways othe than normal married stuff. Mostly, I want her to desire me.


I agreed with everything you just said AG. 100%. Especially this last part.

My head knows I'm loved, my heart only feels emptiness and wants more. Talk to your husband, you may find that he feels the same way. If he doesn't know, don't be surprised if someday he does feel that way.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
> 
> My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
> 
> ...


Sexual compatability is very important. 

Hi, I state the obvious!!!!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

marieJa said:


> I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
> 
> The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.
> 
> I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...


Keep in mind that both of you are already compromising. You want it once a month, your husband wants it 30 times a month. A split down the middle is say, 16, which works out to 4 times a week.

My STBXW also never hit a sexual peak. Or if she did, she never told me. My GF, however, is a one a day girl at 43. So I wouldn't count on things improving just because. Also keep in mind the lull that often goes along with having children and parenting. I'm just saying that people can't just things will magically right themselves; all aspects of marriage are work and require effort and compromise from both spouses.

Good luck!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tnhusband (Mar 28, 2012)

marieJa - as a high libido husband with a sometimes low libido spouse I can understand why the board tends to ride you about being happy just giving your husband sex. But I doubt that is what your husband really wants or likes.

I don't want sex 20 times a month if 19 of those times my wife is not into it and just doing it to be nice to me. Every now and again I can understand - but I want the kind of sexlife where my wife is into it - into me.

So my proposed solution for you is this - find out what increases your libido. Find out what turns you on. And then make yourself get turned on so when you are with your husband you are in the mood.

Only you can figure out what that is - it could be something simple like reading a book that arouses you, watching something on TV/Internet, wearing something etc.

Or it could be something out there - either in a fetish way or something non-sexual that makes you happy and turns you on.

Thats what a giving and loving spouse should do in my opinion. Find the passion within you. It's probably there - you know it is once a month - so you have something to build on!


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

PBear said:


> Keep in mind that both of you are already compromising. You want it once a month, your husband wants it 30 times a month. A split down the middle is say, 16, which works out to 4 times a week.
> 
> My STBXW also never hit a sexual peak. Or if she did, she never told me. My GF, however, is a one a day girl at 43. So I wouldn't count on things improving just because. Also keep in mind the lull that often goes along with having children and parenting. I'm just saying that people can't just things will magically right themselves; all aspects of marriage are work and require effort and compromise from both spouses.
> 
> ...


Indeed.

Ask him if he wants it more. I assume he'd happily say, YES PLEASE! He has already compromised and probably does it ever other day because he feels guilty as is. 

I am sure you do not have to ask him if he wants it more though. You already know the answer.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I am realizing that I should talk more with my H about my feelings concerning this issue.
> 
> The idea of a compromise also sounds good - I guess I wouldn't feel this way if I hadn't gone ALL the way to meet his needs. I also suppose that this is the reason why I am only talking about Me instead of Us - it has been only me who has dealt with this whole issue. I only wanted to make him happy and content; I didn't think that I would become resentful of it.
> 
> I surely hope that I would develop a higher drive over years. I have heard that it happens to women when they approach 40...


I find this fascinating. I have never been in a relationship with a low drive woman and my wife was/is more than happy to make love to me as frequently as I desire. 

Nonetheless, I seriously doubt you are giving your husband all the sex he desires as you seem to think. If you think your hubby doesn't sense reluctance in you, you are nuts. A compromise is in order; but, your previous post of stating "why should I give him sex, it's my body" is telling of a much greater problem. I can see his response,"why should I share my paycheck with her, it is my work"? Marriage is a partnership and it isn't just YOUR body. You gave it to him when you agreed to be married. Be careful how you approach him on this issue. I know that I would likely set you free to seek your happiness with someone else if you came out with the I have been feeling forced to have sex with you and feel resentful. Maybe you should see a sex therapist.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


I need to tell you that the two of you need to find a compromise or your marriage is doomed. You are kidding yourself if you think he isn't aware of your half hearted responses to his attempts to please you. Of course, if you really don't care, maybe he will find this board and there will be plenty of advice to him to help him alleviate HIS problem.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your husband wants sex 30 times a month - why should he have it less often?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Marie,
Welcome to tam. Props to you for making an effort to find a mutually agreeable solution to your differing drives.

I am married to a wonderful LD partner who has worked hard to find a mutually workable sex life for us.

I will say that what has helped us a lot is: 
- she has always grasped how important this is to me
- I have always made an effort to go the extra mile for her outside the bedroom. And I also realize I is a big deal to give yourself to someone when you are not feeling it

What would happen if you said to him - new routine - you want to pleasure me you can give me a massage but that is it for me. When you finish I will please you.

He needs to be willing to work with you on this.


UOTE=marieJa;677403]I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!

My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.

But I just don't need that kind of an attention that often! I do need it sometimes, but only sometimes. I would MUCH rather enjoy other kind of pleasure from him, like a back rub, but NO. He wants to give me sex. And when I don't initially want it but I do it for him, the whole act feels like a chore. When I do want it, it is great. But I want it so rarely (well, I don't feel it is too rarely for me, but for him, it is).

I guess our ways of expressing love are very different. I wouldn't mind pleasing him, but to give one's body to someone when you don't want it yourself is not a pleasant feeling at all.

So - what to do? Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> I think in a few years her husband will be here asking the forum what has changed in his marriage that his wife no longer enjoys sex with him. He will be complaining that maybe they do it once a month, when they used to do it 3 or 4 times a week. Little did he know, she felt VIOLATED when she was doing it 3 or 4 times a week and his relationship physically was doomed long before he knew it. Hopefully she is communicating with him now.
> 
> 
> By the way, it is selfish. A low ATTENTION drive towards my wife wouldn't cut it in this world, as a low SEX drive doesn't cut it for me. Putting in the time and effort to pay attention, be loving, stay positive, and keep your wife happy takes way more work, effort and time than having 30 minutes of sex 3 times a week ever will. I am sorry. A low sex drive is a complete farce (AS AN EXCUSE) imo. You may not like or want sex as much as your spouse, but using a "sex drive" as an excuse is wrong. The same as me saying not paying attention to my wife has something to do with my attention span. WELL I BETTER LEARN TO PAY ATTENTION.
> ...


:iagree:

I also feel two people should not marry if they are not even close to the same page on sex and sex drive sooner or later someone will cheat or in your case (which is rare) the two people will put forth the effort to make it work.


I feel most people are selfish and truly not capable of loving another person and thus the world is were it is. It seems so many people would rather die before helping or wishing to accommodate someone they love. That is why there are truly few marriages that are happy.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Goldmember357 said:


> It seems so many people would rather die before helping or wishing to accommodate someone they love. That is why there are truly few marriages that are happy.


Yes and how sad it that!!!

Why would you begrudge your lover/best friend anything...anything at all to make their day a little sweeter:scratchhead:


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> :iagree:
> I also feel two people should not marry if they are not even close to the same page on sex and sex drive sooner or later someone will cheat or in your case (which is rare) the two people will put forth the effort to make it work.


I agree, just wish you could know in advance. Sometimes you can't always tell, and of course we are changed over time by kids, depression, medicines, sickness, etc.

So two people who may be a match at one point in time, may not stay that way.

Grrr... stupid humans and their changing.


----------



## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

eagleclaw said:


> One thing to keep in mind. Your husband sounds sensitive and thoughtful. Be careful how you frame this..... if you tell him your resentful and violated for years having sex with him and only ever wanted it once a month..... well those are words that he will NEVER forget and will have long reaching consequences. You definately need to talk with him... just be careful the words you use and how you describe things.
> 
> Explaining that you love to pleasure him but don't need it or desire it as often yourself sounds a lot different to a guy than...
> 
> I feel violated and resentful over the frequency I must be there for you....


Yes, talk now, not later. 

Saying what you are feeling now may be very hard to take, but waiting a few years would be horrible. 

Also, I do wonder if youve talked about this with a doctor or therapist. A truly low sex drive is not normal in either gender. There are hormones that can be out of whack. The chemistry may have been the way it was for years, so it may seem normal to you, but it may be worth a checkup to see if there is an organic reason. You don't need to go for something to artificially raise levels, but if you have abnormally low thyroid, iron, or even testosterone (yes, women have that too), you may be in for a surprise. I was anemic for years and it completely changed my personality when I got treatment.

It's also possible that you have not experienced a truly satisfying sexual encounter. I know my wife didn't realize what an orgasm was until 6 years into her first marriage. They married way too young and never learned to deal with the libido differences. By the time she knew a bit about her own orgasmic ability, the habits were set in stone, and her husband and her never got into a good groove. He thought he was doing the right thing, and she couldn't break the mold. Her sex drive didn't really kick in until she was in her late 40s. Her first marriage fell apart in large part because of the mismatched sex drive and communication about it and subsequent inability to meet each other's needs physically. This stuff matters over time, any rift should be nipped in the bud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
> 
> ...


We all get your point. We are simply pointing out (as a group) two truths:

1) Most people (men and women) go into marriage with a decent sex drive and look forward to being with their spouses regularly. So, if that's not you, you really should have told him so ahead of time.

2) He does much for you to make you happy, given that you say your relationship is great other than sex. Some of that you could do without; some are critical to your happiness. It's safe to assume that some of those things you value your husband does mainly or entirely because he wants to make you happy, but your attitude does not appear to reflect that.

I will add:

3) You are attempting to rationalize your handling of the sex issue. Your statement that sharing your body is different than other sacrifices is just another version of that tired line "sex is different". You pose it as some sort of overarching truth rather than a personal perspective. If you actually get into a serious discussion over this with your husband, and then use that line, you will get nowhere.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

marieJa said:


> What a ridiculous argument.
> 
> All those things are something that we already are without having to work for them UNWILLINGLY. I give him everything + sex. Why isn't the everything enough? Why is sex a must?
> 
> He is a lovely person. For me, he could just continue being the way he is, and I would love him. I would never make him do something against his will.


Ahhh, more rationalization, and then the "I would never" line.

First, I don't think you are getting us here. To be really blunt, the odds those little things you love re done naturally or effortlessly are slim. It is much more likely that he would rather be doing something else but WORKS at making you happy. 

Two, he is not "making" you do anything. You know sex matters and sexual unhappiness could harm or end your marriage, so that's a start. But, your attitude here says that (all too typically) the woman's sex drive should set the tone - "why should I have it more" rather than "how can we compromise better" or "how can I improve my drive" says it all.

Three, you ARE asking him to do something UNWILLINGLY. If you had your way, he would suppress or endure his sex drive and settle for the once a month frequency you prefer. If you do not believe that he would be at least as unhappy at that frequency are you are now, then you are simply unrealistic.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Marie,
> Welcome to tam. Props to you for making an effort to find a mutually agreeable solution to your differing drives.
> 
> I am married to a wonderful LD partner who has worked hard to find a mutually workable sex life for us.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.

I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.
> 
> I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...


I disagree, but before I answer further let me ask you this: do you passionately love him in the bedroom? Not just do you go through the motions of sex, I mean really and totally make love to him because you desire him and he can feel that love in everything you do for him in bed?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just stop the BS and love your husband. Life is too short. He could be gone spontaneously and what then?

Love and be loved. Seriously.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Heck it's late and I don't feel like waiting for an answer, so I'll tell you that if you don't show him love in the bedroom. If he (esp being HD) doesn't feel that, he may go on and seem to be fine for months, years even. It will eventually catch up and something will change in him.

Eventually he won't feel that you love him or care for him. You can do all sorts of wonderful things out of the bedroom, and in his head he'll know you love him... but he won't feel it in his heart.

I'll tell you in my case for 12 years I felt that our love for each other was enough, that we could get by even though sex was about 1-3x a month on average. It wasn't. There was no big event, nothing that clearly triggered a change but a change happened all the same. At some point I felt a hole inside and it ached.

That ache is only stronger now 3 years later (now about 15 years into marriage). We are going to counselling for it, we have more sex now. Still that hole is there. It's not just the amount of sex, even though that's part of it. It's the sense that the sex is more than just going through the motions. That it's a genuine demonstration by your wife that she loves you body and soul. Without that I feel hollow and empty inside. Unloved and uncared for.

In my head I know she loves me, outside the bedroom we are the best of friends. We laugh out loud sometimes so loud we fear we will wake the kids down the hall. Yet I still don't FEEL loved. I feel like her best friend, but not like her husband. I know she loves me in my head, but it's not enough.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My friend's baby is on life support right now so I'm overly emotional.

But I promise you that all of this DOES NOT MATTER. Just love your husband. If he needs you to use your body to love him, THEN USE IT.

Please. Just love.


----------



## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

marieJa said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...


MarieJa -

Your lack of desire is symptomatic of deeper issues in your marriage. I would guess you both have work to do. 

If you continue to try to please, this problem will fester and get worse as you build more and more resentments. You or he will eventually cheat or act out in some other way and your marriage will implode. 

This is a wake up call to do a "self-improvement" project on your marriage or go get professional help. 

Are you and your husband capable of playing thoughtfully and fairly with this loaded of a topic?

M. Scott Peck explains a concept called "bracketing" in "The Road Less Traveled" that has helped my marriage immensely (I recommend the book). Basically, one person puts their emotions/feelings in a "box" or "brackets them" while the other explains his/her position. The only goal for the listener is to empathize with the speaker. Then the other side gets to go and the listener does the same exercise. The listener must not interject and must not listen to defend, only to understand. Peck spends pages explaining this, so sorry if I am not clear. Hopefully you get a sense of the concept. 

Sexuality is a sensitive topic, so you need to assess whether this is a topic you and hubby can handle maturely and thoughtfully. If you are concerned about anyone's reaction, I would get professional help. 

Otherwise, figure out how to bracket and go deep. Brutal and complete honesty is the path to a great relationship. That means sometimes we say things that we later realize were inaccurate or even dysfunctional. Recognize and apologize and keep growing together.

Good luck.


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

It's like that Cheap Trick song for a man. I WANT you to want me. I NEED you to need me. I'd LOVE you to love me. I'm BEGGIN' you to beg me etc. 

A man can have sex with any willing bit of warm flesh and be physically satisfied (for a while) but is that his ideal sex? Nope. A man will start off being o.k with his wife performing her wifely duties for his sake but it gets old eventually and he will start to feel empty and unfulfilled just getting his rocks off.

I think for most married men the ideal sex is with a loving wife who wants and needs them just as much as they do in return. It's not about him making use of your parts for his sole pleasure. He craves your touch and wants your acceptance. He wants to know that you crave his and that you find him sexy and irresistible too. Do you compliment him on his sexual prowess or tell him he looks good when he takes his clothes off? He wants and needs that. 

You can ask why this is so but it just is! Men ask why we women need so much talking too and non-sexual affection...they don't always understand why we are the way we are but its just like that. Submit to each other and be happy because life is short. You want to be happy or right? You say he is a good lover, is always concered with pleasing you, and all he wants is you? You also wrote that outside the bedroom everything else is good too? Lady you need to have your head examined :scratchhead: lol. I'd submit to that every day...multiple times. :smthumbup: Don't cut your nose...what's out there for the most part is not as good as what you have at home. Don't chase him away. 




marieJa said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.*

I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...[/QUOTE]


----------



## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.
> 
> ...


I haven't read all the posts so please forgive me if this one doesn't seem to flow into the conversation. The reason you want sex the week before your period is that your hormones are balanced that week that makes sex desirable. If you are using hormonal birth control change to a non-hormonal method and that might help. Hormonal birth control is a libido killer for some women. 

The reason it feels awful to have sex without desire is because you feel powerless over your body. Trust me this is merely a mind game. You are developing resentments over it. You can turn this around. Start thinking of your body as a powerful tool to get what you want. It is powerful to be able to bring that much pleasure to another person. That is why you don't mind giving blowjobs. When you give a blowjob, you are fully clearminded and can see clearly the affect you are having. Start experimenting with that same power during intercourse. Watch his face. When he gets close to orgasm, slow him down by changing positions. Or speed him up by talking dirty to him. Soon you will see that you are the powerful one in this situation. I'm reminded of a line in My Big Fat Greek Weeding. The man is the head of the family but the woman is the neck. She can turn the head any way she likes. Use your body to reclaim your power. It is very validating to have a man who wants you both in and out of bed. It says you are a fun companion and a desirable woman. Start recognizing your power. 

Also there are a couple of things you might do to boost your libido. Romance novels are notorious for providing sexual stimulation for women. And secondly look at the Good Sex video on Tantric Massage. It shows how to massage in such a way that you begin to realize the erotic nature of your power to please. The power to please can be quite addicting. It is one of the reasons your husband's drive is so high. The ability to bring that level of pleasure is a powerful feeling. You are cheating yourself by not enjoying the power regardless of whether you enjoy the sex. Many a seductress didn't enjoy sex, but they all enjoyed the power of being seductive. Reclaim your power and use it to create a solid connection with your husband. You will enjoy a marriage that is the envy of others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

P.S I advise against rationing the nookie. If you make him feel confident that you desire him as much as he does you he won't need it as much or get mad if you decline once and a while. He will see it as you being genuinely not in the mood for just that day instead of having his insecurities riled up because he is always the one who wants it more.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Ayla said:


> It's like that Cheap Trick song for a man. I WANT you to want me. I NEED you to need me. I'd LOVE you to love me. I'm BEGGIN' you to beg me etc.
> 
> A man can have sex with any willing bit of warm flesh and be physically satisfied (for a while) but is that his ideal sex? Nope. A man will start off being o.k with his wife performing her wifely duties for his sake but it gets old eventually and he will start to feel empty and unfulfilled just getting his rocks off.
> 
> ...


That is what I want from my wife. We agreed to have sex 3 times a week. on maybe 4...If I am lucky. Compared to 2 times a month it is great. I feel that my wife doesn't want me. 

When I WANT SEX...it won't happen. So I just have to ready when she is ready. I was so ready last night. I did all the evening chores, gave her a neck massage early on, occasional kisses on the neck. Just a little limited with our daughter around. After our Daughter was asleep...She was TOOOOO tired. SEX wasn't even on her mind. I didn't ask for it, I wasn't beggin for sex, I kissed her a little more than normal..No response. So I left to the spare bedroom to read. I didn't get mad (I used to) I just said good night. She doesn't know how sad I am. Horny too, but mostly sad.

I feel for the OP's husband if he feels the way I do. I don't know how i've lasted 20 years with her.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

First give the poor woman a break. She is only 25 and having sex 3-5X/wk and getting crap for saying she only feels like it 1X/mth.

She is sweet and nice with her husband and recognizes the issues. 

What happens on TAM???? Everyone is all over her and telling her (yes I'm paraphrasing) to suck it up.

Obviously she has some issues she needs to talk to a Professional about. She loves sex, her husband is a caring lover and she has plenty of orgasms, so the issue is in her head.

Her husband also must be pressuring her and this does not help.

At her age if she can n ot overcome these issues, then I'd say divorce. There are LD men around who are okay 1-2/mth. 

Unless this was a a bait & switch scenario that many man complain about on here, I feel terrible for her and am amazed at how cruel some here on TAM are. I think 20X/mth they are doing it vs. the 1X/mth she wants is frankly a huge chasm and I can not begin to imagine the resentment she must feel as to what she has sacrificed to "keep the peace".

No I did not read all the posts, but what I read was very negative and very biased. The poor girl needs guidance and frankly is very accommodating considering her want is so low.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marieJa said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.
> 
> I think that more communication & working towards a decent compromise will work. I guess I'm a bit afraid of his reaction, as I don't want to hurt him...


The following book is a good resource in trying to understand how sex is important for men:

Amazon.com: For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men (9781590523179): Shaunti Feldhahn: Books

(There's one for your husband to read too  : Amazon.com: For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women (9781590525722): Shaunti Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn: Books )

For most men, sex is not just a physical need, but an emotional, relational, and even spiritual one. The following set of concise articles articulates this well, and while the following site is not necessarily my favorite cup o' tea it does a good job explaining ... and allowing you to skip the 'spiritual' aspect if that does not align with your personal beliefs.

Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family

It's really heartening to see you willing to start the communication process with your husband to work toward a compromise. It's the fact that we all have a tendency to hide our real feelings from our spouses, and then get mad and resentful of them when they don't do or say or feel the things that we want (when we probably didn't even communicate that to begin with!), that causes so many issues in relationships.

Being able to acknowledge an issue, understand our part in the issue, and being willing to try and resolve it is what it's all about. I'm really proud of you for being willing to take those steps ... and hoping that everything works out well for you and your husband. 

Best wishes.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What sex means to your husband.... Please read this through the eyes of a woman who is now in a "sexless marraige" ....her expressing what has been taken from her life, how it makes her feel deep within...the emotions involved. Through reading what has BEEN LOST, it should help you see what it MEANS deeply to our spouses. 

I realize your marraige is not sexless, but it is DESIRE-LESS, passionless... .... I have to be honest, when I read your opening post, I started to cry for your husband....

This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet - Open Salon


I know how much DESIRE means to me personally.....I landed on this forum feeling my husband was loosing some of his desire (it was an overworking in my mind-thankfully with a surge in my sex drive)....but feeling that... questioning that.... Oh my God, it was sending me off the deep end, I had this sinking feeling, a void, it could have sent me into a depression even -if it was true. It means THAT Much to some. It would have killed me, might as well put a fork in me to think my husband was just "pleasing me " to make me happy -and he got nothing out of it. I could not have lived with that. It would have repulsed me. 

Every man CRAVES to be desired by his wife.... this is something your husband is living without...make no mistake....this HURTS to the very core......You get to feel his desire every day, this does nothing for you....For your spirit....would you really be relieved if this was taken away? 

My husband was so very very sensitive to my desire in the past, he would not even try to get me in the mood unless he had some sign I "wanted him". It would kill him if I had none, he would be a hollow man...it would shut him down emotionally....it means THAT MUCH. Funny....I am just as sensitive ! But didn't realize it until my sex drive went through the roof ! (one of those women in their 40's you mentioned, that's me!)... but unlike yourself (in my past)....I needed it once a week BADLY or I would chase him down! 

It seems the biggest disconnect in the sexs is the Severity a the SEX DRIVE...I am thoroughly convinced women do NOT get it, and it is so hard to explain to someone who has NOT FELT THIS WAY deep within the loins and in the heart at the same time -making that glorious connection......... to appeal to them how a man feels...in the emotional. 

I felt such an intense craving for my husband in this way... I would have cried myself to sleep or near went into hysterics if I felt he didn't want me back. I am a woman...freaking emotional at times... but never feel that men are not emotional in this way... .it is truly a life giving experience to feel this from your lover in the throws of passion. Nothing more beautiful in this life. 

It fills them up completely and utterly to want them intimately, that you NEED & crave their touch, they want so bad to please us, nothing in this world can compare...this has the power to set them on the highest mountain top. It is all so very romantic and ONE-ish. ....What all love stories are ultimately written about... is passion...not to mention the most moving of love songs ever sung. 

Listen to the words of this song, this is how your husband feels :

Bryan Adams - Please Forgive Me - YouTube



> Please forgive me, I know not what I do
> Please forgive me, I can't stop loving you
> Don't deny me, this *pain* I'm going through
> Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
> ...


TO WIVES: Why Is Sex So Important? 

Sex Is an Emotional Need 

.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

No offense, but havesomethingtosay I disagree.

I think you are being too quick to throw in the towel and jump to divorce. This couple is not beyond repair. It's going to be tough to get through, but it can be very rewarding to do so (even if the "odds" aren't high).

Also it's not like folks walk around with their sex drives printed on their foreheads. Most guys don't date gals and say to them: "hey babe I'm a really cool guy who loves long walks on the beach, poetry, and likes to have sex about 10 times a year". Heck if asked most guys, even if they are LD won't admit it especially when dating.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> First give the poor woman a break. She is only 25 and having sex 3-5X/wk and getting crap for saying she only feels like it 1X/mth.
> 
> She is sweet and nice with her husband and recognizes the issues.
> 
> ...


I can kinda agree with you... my wife has changed a lot this past year. From 2X a month to 3X a week. I think the point people here are trying to make is that the OP should not have to feel the sex is a chore and then compared it to house work... OUCH! 

I think that my wife may feel the same way as the OP. My wife is very accomodating now. I hope she is not building resentments regarding sex as I do for the 18 years that I went without.

Even though she orgasms and seems to enjoy it. I feel she only has sex to 'Keep the peace" Either way, it is doesn't make for a healthy marriage. If my wife and I started to have sex EVERYDAY and I knew she thought of it as a chore, I would feel SOOO bad, As I do now knowing she has no real desire. What I do know is it is not me. She was the 25 years old virgin and I was the nice guy that gave her plenty of time to be ready for sex.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

SA... I ALWAYS like what you have to say. Sex without desire is worthless. I don't FEEL that my wife desire me. It is killing me. 

I can guarantee that men are the ones who write the most love songs


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> No offense, but havesomethingtosay I disagree.
> 
> I think you are being too quick to throw in the towel and jump to divorce. This couple is not beyond repair. It's going to be tough to get through, but it can be very rewarding to do so (even if the "odds" aren't high).
> 
> Also it's not like folks walk around with their sex drives printed on their foreheads. Most guys don't date gals and say to them: "hey babe I'm a really cool guy who loves long walks on the beach, poetry, and likes to have sex about 10 times a year". Heck if asked most guys, even if they are LD won't admit it especially when dating.


I did not say divorce in a cavalier fashion. I said get professional help. To want sex, which she has stated is pleasurable & fun, only X/mth, yet HAVING it 3-5X/wk because her husband wants it can do nothing but build resentment.

I tioo find it sad that something she like and enjoys is a chore in her eyes and she feels violated. 

What I am amazed at is how people on TAM are down on her.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Already Gone said:


> She was the 25 years old virgin and I was the nice guy that gave her plenty of time to be ready for sex.


Already Gone...I was the repressed virgin who felt GUILTY about enjoying physical pleasure (masturbation is the only thing I would have outright lied about & turned as red as a lobster if someone asked me ....I felt so dirty enjoying that)...and my husband was the NICE guy, never pushing, wasn't much of a flirter..... what a bad combination. 

I really feel if he would have been more sexually aggressive with me in the past, a little more creative... I would have loved the crap out of that & it would have stripped me of my pathetic inhibitions that lasted for 19 long yrs of our marraige, I used to even be embarrassed of him seeing me naked -even after having 6 kids. God, who was that [email protected]#$%^ 

I always LOVED SEX ... but in between our sessions, he didn't think so. Our story is rediculous...truly. I feel we missed so very much that could have been.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> SA... I ALWAYS like what you have to say. Sex without desire is worthless. I don't FEEL that my wife desire me. It is killing me.
> 
> I can guarantee that men are the ones who write the most love songs


Yeah I had my wife read what you posted SA. Just felt like it might express how I feel in a way that my wife might better understand.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I did not say divorce in a cavalier fashion. I said get professional help. To want sex, which she has stated is pleasurable & fun, only X/mth, yet HAVING it 3-5X/wk because her husband wants it can do nothing but build resentment.
> 
> I tioo find it sad that something she like and enjoys is a chore in her eyes and she feels violated.
> 
> What I am amazed at is how people on TAM are down on her.


Well I'm down on her as you say because the amount of sex they are having now is compromise. What she's aiming for is sex at a level she wants, and she wants alone. Leaving her husband left wanting, and in the end it *will* hurt or even destroy the marriage.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Browncoat said:


> Yeah I had my wife read what you posted SA. Just felt like it might express how I feel in a way that my wife might better understand.


That is wondeful that your wife knows you are here & you both can read this stuff together :smthumbup: IT does require a revelation to -understand how another feels deeply -when we just don't feel it "hormonally" in the same way. Damn, I wish I knew THEN what I know NOW........he should have starved my a** and put a chastity belt on me so I couldn't masterbate... then I would have gotten it ! Ha ha 

Your wife needs to sign up here ! 

My husband did a few days ago on a whim... I was so tickled, he told me if I helped him with his profile... He is not much of a writer, but he knows I love this place and well, him doing a few posts here & there, kinda excting for me !


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Good points! Though, I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.


And your husband does not fully understand how you feel before and during menstruation.

In his book _His Needs Her Needs_, Dr. Harley talks about how some women he counseled simply would not accept how important sex was to their husbands. He took the extraordinary steps to have these women wear a testosterone patch for one week in order to experience the sex drive that almost all men have. To a woman, each one could not believe how the added testosterone in their systems caused them to crave sex so much. They each said that by the end of that week they were thinking about sex almost every minute of the day. They each also stated that they never want to go through that experience again. They all discovered a new found appreciation for how their husbands felt.

I suggest two things you could do here.

1) Find a doctor that will let you experience this phenomenon and prescribe a testosterone patch for you to wear.

2) Take the word of all the men and so many of the understanding women here on TAM that it is of the utmost importance that you comprehend how important sex is to your husband.

I'm having a hard time understanding why you are being so stubborn on this issue. You probably read that there is no air in space. Do you have to be pushed out of an airlock in order to believe it? One might almost call you obstinate or pigheaded.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> And your husband does not fully understand how you feel before and during menstruation.
> 
> In his book _His Needs Her Needs_, Dr. Harley talks about how some women he counseled simply would not accept how important sex was to their husbands. He took the extraordinary steps to have these women wear a testosterone patch for one week in order to experience the sex drive that almost all men have. To a woman, each one could not believe how the added testosterone in their systems caused them to crave sex so much. They each said that by the end of that week they were thinking about sex almost every minute of the day. They each also stated that they never want to go through that experience again. They all discovered a new found appreciation for how their husbands felt.
> 
> ...


I think that the problem with Harley's testosterone experiment is that it only gives a view into the physical side ... not necessarily anything about the emotional/mental/spritual side of sex for a man...and sometimes when a woman only sees and understands the physical side of it, and feels that *she* as a person and individual is not important - that can also make it seem like a chore. Understanding the real emotion and meaning it may have to your spouse, and them understanding your feelings about it - can make all the difference in the world.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Beowulf said:


> In his book _His Needs Her Needs_, Dr. Harley talks about how some women he counseled simply would not accept how important sex was to their husbands. *He took the extraordinary steps to have these women wear a testosterone patch for one week in order to experience the sex drive that almost all men have*. To a woman, each one could not believe how the added testosterone in their systems caused them to crave sex so much. *They each said that by the end of that week they were thinking about sex **almost every minute of the day*. *They each also stated that they never want to go through that experience again. They all discovered a new found appreciation for how their husbands felt*.


THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND I DIDN'T NEED ANY FREAKING PATCH ! It was UNRELENTING... Craziest thing I ever went through... loved it ...but it was a CURSE at the same time. If I was a man, and had a low drive woman during something like that, I would have had to leave her, I would not have been able to contain myself. I only experienced this fury for 8 months.... how men do this their whole darn lives... I am simply amazed at them. The ones who put themselves down and remain with low drive women who reject them.. they are near heros to me. I could never never never do it ! 

Damn I feel bad for men sometimes.

Geeze... they ought to do this experiment with all low drivers -
where the marriage is on the brink .... it sure as hell opens our eyes, I can vouch for that !!

This was me >>>









As for what Enchantment said.. I already had the EMOTIONAL (from him) and feeling it myself... to a very high degree... so when those 2 came together.....oh my...! My husband always had the EMOTIONAL component towards me too... so when my Physical was uplifted, it was the answer from Heaven for us. 

I am in favor of such an experiment, all women NEED to experience how it feels to walk in a man's shoes.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> And your husband does not fully understand how you feel before and during menstruation.
> 
> In his book _His Needs Her Needs_, Dr. Harley talks about how some women he counseled simply would not accept how important sex was to their husbands. He took the extraordinary steps to have these women wear a testosterone patch for one week in order to experience the sex drive that almost all men have. To a woman, each one could not believe how the added testosterone in their systems caused them to crave sex so much. They each said that by the end of that week they were thinking about sex almost every minute of the day. They each also stated that they never want to go through that experience again. They all discovered a new found appreciation for how their husbands felt.
> 
> ...



Really it is that easy....... Put on a testosterone patch and women will be walking around lusting for sex...... C`mon, I`d ask for a liquid version and spike my spouse`s coffee every morning.... 

Heck I may need it too.....

Sorry sounds like bunk to me.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO ME AND I DIDN'T NEED ANY FREAKING PATCH ! It was UNRELENTING... Craziest thing I ever went through... loved it ...but it was a CURSE at the same time. If I was a man, and had a low drive woman during something like that, I would have had to leave her, I would not have been able to contain myself. I only experienced this fury for 8 months.... how men do this their whole darn lives... I am simply amazed at them. The ones who put themselves down and remain with low drive women who reject them.. they are near heros to me. I could never never never do it !
> 
> Damn I feel bad for men sometimes.
> 
> ...


And ... all men NEED to experience how it feels to walk in a woman's shoes ... high heels and all.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Testosterone supplements don't work for all women, we tried with my wife and it didn't change a thing for my wife (still had basically no sexual desire). We may not have tried it for long enough though, we tried it for a few weeks maybe a month. Does it take longer to kick in?


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Naturally, I am unwilling to hear that my drive is too low for life, that I should just change. Anyone would feel the same. Who here hasn't been young and hopeful to have the kind of sexlife you want with your partner?

I feel that if my H was posting on this thread, everyone would be telling him how he should try to get his wife more into the mood, which would be followed by advice about more drastic solutions like cheating etc.

Why? Why is not an LD person accepted in this world? Why not to give advice about how HE could change, "how to lower a man's libido" etc. That's right - you HD people do not want to think that way, just like I can't think your way. 

I surely get that men have the physical need for sex. I have even tried an experiment, that lasted for a week, where I read erotic books, developed exciting fantasies and thought about them very actively, and masturbated so frequently that I could say I got myself addicted to orgasms for that week. Did it feel nice? No, it was very unpleasant as I thought about sex all the time and couldn't concentrate on anything else. But from that I only drew the conclusion that the feeling of wanting sex all the time is so annoying that you just want it with anyone or anything. 

I certainly do not only want to be the object in which a man can release the tension that itches, so I disagree with that narrow viewpoint.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Really it is that easy....... Put on a testosterone patch and women will be walking around lusting for sex...... C`mon, I`d ask for a liquid version and spike my spouse`s coffee every morning....
> 
> Heck I may need it too.....
> 
> Sorry sounds like bunk to me.


Ah, TAM's resident contrarian makes an appearance. I was wondering how long it would take you.

I was content to ignore you until you responded to my post. Rest assured I won't respond to you after this because I've seen how you tend to frequently thread jack.

Dr. Harley is a world reknowed therapist and counsels thousands of people each month. But you are correct, I'd much rather take your word for it than his.

FWIW, I have low testosterone condition that I have discussed in different threads. I now use injections to boost my testosterone into the normal range. Previously I used Androgel for these treatments. At one point when I switched to injections I still had a small supply of Androgel at home. Morrigan decided she wanted to know what it felt like. I researched it and found there were no health risks associated with short term use for women. So she decided she would try it for a week.

She made it three days before she had to stop. The increased testosterone in her body boosted her sex drive so much she could barely sleep. But again, I'll defer to your obviously more learned conclusions rather than those of Dr. Harley and my wife's own first hand experience.

:rant:


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Marie, maybe I'm missing something so let me ask this way.

HD spouse doesn't get the sex (s)he craves, they feel unloved and unwanted. This will undoubtedly result in one or more of the following:

1. Depression
2. Low self esteem
3. Anger
4. Feeling that you aren't loved/cared for
5. Infidelity
6. Divorce

On the flip side if the LD partner is asked to compromise and have sex more often, the LD experiences:

1. Boredom for 10-20 minutes every couple of days
2. ???

please fill out the list of things you will experience while having sex more often than you want. Frankly unless the list is more extensive than "I don't want to do it because it's boring", then you are being selfish. We all have things in life we do, not because we like to, but because we love the person who benefits from it. I do that everyday with my kids and my wife. Lots of time in my life is filled with things personally I'd rather not do if given 100% freedom.

You think I love reading the same Dr. Suess (Bearenstain bears, etc...) books to kids over the past 12 years... believe me it gets old fast. I do it out of love for my kids (the youngest ones for Dr. Suess obviously). It takes 10-20 minutes every day to read stories to my kids... the same stories over and over again. I do it because I love them.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have a very skewed view about sex and I wonder if it's not deeper than you realize.

You talk about your husband's need for sex and desire for you like it's something dirty and wrong. You won't be "the object in which a man can release the tension that itches" in your husband.

you are his WIFE! You are not an object. You are loved by a man and he wants to have sex with you. Your husband is not selfish. He just wants to have sex with his wife. If you don't do it....someone else will eventually or he'll just build so much resentment, the marriage will not be a marriage.

Maybe look deeper into this than just a LD.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Testosterone supplements don't work for all women, we tried with my wife and it didn't change a thing for my wife (still had basically no sexual desire). We may not have tried it for long enough though, we tried it for a few weeks maybe a month. Does it take longer to kick in?


Just like every man's "normal" testosterone level is different (the "normal" range is from 300-1000 I believe) I would suggest that every woman's hormonal profile is different as well. Morrigan already has a very healthy sex drive so for her it took only a few days. Other women many be different. I would suggest if you want to try again you have blood work done and go over the results with a good endocrinologist to see where her hormonal levels are before starting.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You have a very skewed view about sex and I wonder if it's not deeper than you realize.
> 
> You talk about your husband's need for sex and desire for you like it's something dirty and wrong. You won't be "the object in which a man can release the tension that itches" in your husband.
> 
> ...


I agree. It almost seems as if she has an emotional blockage with feeling desire. Maybe I'm not wording it correctly.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just feel that there is something there, blocking her from allowing herself to be sexual. Maybe past abuse, or just the way she was raised to view sex. It can be very difficult to get past those issues. Took me years to shake off the crap my mother fed me about sex and love.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> 1. Boredom for 10-20 minutes every couple of days
> 2. ???


That is exactly the core and contradiction of it!

Many men here have said that they do not want mere acceptance from the wife's side, but they want that the wife wants it too!

If my H knew it was ever boring for me, he would NEVER have it with me. Very strangely enough, there are some men here who AGREE on having sex with their wives, who they recognize aren't into it! And then you tell me that you feel an emotional connection there - where you KNOW your wife doesn't really want it.

So you are suggesting that I fake it? Excuse me? And that then there is a real connection?


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think that the problem with Harley's testosterone experiment is that it only gives a view into the physical side ... not necessarily anything about the emotional/mental/spritual side of sex for a man...and sometimes when a woman only sees and understands the physical side of it, and feels that *she* as a person and individual is not important - that can also make it seem like a chore. Understanding the real emotion and meaning it may have to your spouse, and them understanding your feelings about it - can make all the difference in the world.


In Dr. Harley's experiment it was the physical side that these women did not accept. That is what a sex drive is for a man. I can be angry at Morrigan, I can be disgusted with her, I can not want to speak to her, but I always want to have sex with her. Its a man thing. :scratchhead:


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> That is exactly the core and contradiction of it!
> 
> Many men here have said that they do not want mere acceptance from the wife's side, but they want that the wife wants it too!
> 
> ...


When my wife has sex with me most of the time her heart isn't in it. I still appreciate it a TON more than if she doesn't bother at all. Yes I want her to desire me, yes I want to feel that she loves me that way as a husband and not just as a friend.

On the flip side if she doesn't even bother to even TRY and love me at all in the way I want. Then I feel completely abandoned, completely utterly unwanted. She can't even bother to try to meet with me half way, then I feel rejected and slapped in the face every day. Every day when the desire for sex comes up it becomes another reminder: "Oh yeah my wife doesn't want me at ALL". So everyday like a drum beat I feel that rejection, passive though it may be, beating into me that I'm not worthy of even attempted love. He may not say it, but I guarantee you that he's feeling it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marieJa said:


> I surely get that men have the physical need for sex. I have even tried an experiment, that lasted for a week, where I read erotic books, developed exciting fantasies and thought about them very actively, and masturbated so frequently that I could say I got myself addicted to orgasms for that week. Did it feel nice? No, it was very unpleasant as I thought about sex all the time and couldn't concentrate on anything else. But from that I only drew the conclusion that the feeling of wanting sex all the time is so annoying that you just want it with anyone or anything.


 It sounds to me like you were getting very enthuastic about sex during this time frame? wouldn't this have enhanced your marriage ? Why did you want to stop this??? You said it was annoying... so you don't enjoy orgasms? DId your husband know you were almost addicted to them and found them annoying ? 



> I certainly do not only want to be the object in which a man can release the tension that itches, so I disagree with that narrow viewpoint.


 It is so much more than that, if that is all you are seeing, you have missed MY point entirely. 

ANyone who is higher drive finds is a blessing if they are matched with someone the same. When they are not, they suffer...and often resentment grows, it did with my own husband..... there is no way around these facts. THis is why being sexually compatible is so vital in a marraige... it may be less than 10% of a marriage, but when it is lacking, it feels like 90% to the one who craves more or craves genuine desire in thier spouse. 

I have seen the threads where the men have asked how to lower his sex drive, even suggesting castration to stay with his wife- because he loves her so much.....how utterly sad those threads were. Here is one: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/38669-sexless-marriage-castration-answer.html




Beowulf said:


> She made it three days before she had to stop. The increased testosterone in her body boosted her sex drive so much she could barely sleep. But again, I'll defer to your obviously more learned conclusions rather than those of Dr. Harley and my wife's own first hand experience.


 I was like this too, I felt like I was walking on air, not a pain in my body and I needed hardly any sleep, I would lay there all night dreaming of jumping on my husband again. It was unrelentless. And I had no way to stop it -cause it came on me naturally. My temperature was even higher, he kept telling me I was hot all the time, didn't need a touch of forplay.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> That is exactly the core and contradiction of it!
> 
> Many men here have said that they do not want mere acceptance from the wife's side, but they want that the wife wants it too!
> 
> ...


Marie,

There are different levels of sex. Sometimes sex if the mind blowing OMG variety but there is also maintenance sex. Someone else used the analogy of food. Sometimes you want a 7 course dinner with all the fixings and you eat till you're full. Other times all you can have is a cheese sandwich. But its all good and it all serves a purpose. Morrigan doesn't always feel the overwhelming desire for sex until we are actually in the act of lovemaking and she doesn't always experience an orgasm but she ALWAYS feels the bonding and closeness of sex with me and that is what counts in a relationship. Maybe you are expecting the sex with the fireworks all the time and are disappointed when its less than that.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Ah, TAM's resident contrarian makes an appearance. I was wondering how long it would take you.
> 
> I was content to ignore you until you responded to my post. Rest assured I won't respond to you after this because I've seen how you tend to frequently thread jack.
> 
> ...


First I have said the OP needs to see a professional about this issue.

Am I contrarian???? I hardly think so. But to state the findings as fact and a simple solution to the millions of couples who suffer in sexless (or mismatched libido) relationships I find preposterous.

If this was in case the answer it would be Front-Page Headlines and marketed & sold at 10X's the rate Viagra & Cialis is, as it affects more people then ED does....

Trust me I wish it was FACT.......


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Am I contrarian???? I hardly think so.


**snicker**


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Fake it?... As of now, I believe my wife fakes it. I don't believe she loves me... Not really like I want. There is little emotional connection. I hope that with enough sex, her desire for me will come. For 18 years She had it her way with the 2 times a month. I did all the husband stuff. That never got me the desire I wanted.

No you shouldn't have to fake it. I don't want my wife to fake it. There are a couple of women I know that makes me feel desired just by the way they look at me. I wish I had that from my wife.

If we split, it would not take me long to find a woman that will desire me and not fake it! I wish my wife would let me go. I wish I could "outsource" as another poster put it for the desire I need


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

So, according to most of you, I could (and I should) want more sex by "changing my mind" about it? How? By actively reading erotic books so that my body would want it?

I do love my husband very much... Although it would be nice if he didn't want me so often.

I have no bad sexual experiences in my past; also, my parents were normal. I have had sex with four partners in total, and the reason for doing it was always because they wanted it (not that anyone has ever pushed me). I don't use hormonal contraception.

Yes, I can enjoy sex and have orgasms. But I can also walk a long way to my favourite café and order some specific ice cream, and enjoy it. Would I do it in the middle of a stressful day? Would I even do it in the middle of a peaceful, comfy day that I planned to stay at home? Nope.

Would I do it so that my husband remains happy? Yes I have, but it bothers me more and more.

When I have sex with my husband, this is what happens:

He is in the mood. He comes to me, kisses me etc. I think: "He needs sex now. I don't. Great. Well, I will just do it for him."

Then we have sex, often for a really long time. He needs to get me an orgasm. And what do I have to do to reach one when I haven't been in the mood initially? I have to think of a fantasy and really make myself cum with the help of the mental images. Is that enjoyable? No. It feels forced. 

It is not about my husband's lover skills - he's great. And when I'm initially in the mood, I cum really fast.

So actually, when he have sex, his connection to me gets deeper, whereas my connection to him becomes weaker, as I resent it.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Again I say see a professional. Do you have an EAP (Employee Assistance Plan) through work? Most don't even know they do.

It will help much more then being piled on here for not wanting sex 5X/wk.

I do think the 1X/mth is not good, but you feeling pressured and not understanding your sexuality and needs in addition to long sessions where he wants you to have your 5th orgasm of the week too is destructive.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Yes...Marie.... That is just what my wife told me before. I wish I knew how to help her feel better. I feel the more I want it the connection is less. She even told me that. If I wait until she wants it, She cums within a few minutes. If she is not in the mood....Well, It takes a real long time of oral before she cums...If she does. I understand the difference. I really under stand where you are coming from. It helps me understand my wife a little more so THANKS! I really mean that.

Sooooo. what is the solution to not feel so resentful. I don't believe there is a happy medium.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> Yes...Marie.... That is just what my wife told me before. I wish I knew how to help her feel better. I feel the more I want it the connection is less. She even told me that. If I wait until she wants it, She cums within a few minutes. If she is not in the mood....Well, It takes a real long time of oral before she cums...If she does. I understand the difference. I really under stand where you are coming from. It helps me understand my wife a little more so THANKS! I really mean that.
> 
> Sooooo. what is the solution to not feel so resentful. I don't believe there is a happy medium.


I know exactly how your wife feels. Actually, I once told the same to my husband. I know deep down I want him, well, sometimes, and I want to "originally" want him and THEN have sex. But when I suggested that, he couldn't wait and I gave in.

It would be nice to have the time and peace to notice what a great man he really is - without the pressure of sex around me all the time. Then I would want him, I know that. You see? If he waited for me and we would then have sex, I would ALSO feel the greatness of it, having initially wanted him!

Hmm... I am sure this viewpoint is really difficult to understand if you have never felt this way...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marieJa said:


> So actually, when he have sex, his connection to me gets deeper, whereas my connection to him becomes weaker, as I resent it.


Does your husband FEEL this... how does it affect him.... have you had fights about this ? Arguments? Some men care so much for their partners pleasure (my husband is like this), the act will almost be hollow for them without her getting "hers". 

I does seem he will need to let that go with you.. at the very least...The added time he is spending to get you there is causing you more built up resentment, it is a killer of sexual desire. 

You NEED to sit him down and talk about this.... It is somethng he needs to overcome... just allowing himself to "get his" without the expectations of you getting yours...cutting the time spent down & putting you under this "pressure" is only hurting matters. 

I know my husband would have a hell of time with that, but not all men are the same. He would put himself down before he would even engage ...once I offered him to take me another way (we had sex the night before) & I just KNEW I could not "get mine again"... and he started to tear up, thinking I was slowing down. Blew me away!! I was so very touched by that. He didn't want it -if I couldn't. That was the bottom line for him. 

BUt I think he is a rare rare exception, most men are going to still want sex -so long as the attitude of the wife is loving and giving. Do you feel if you gave to him just for his pleasure alone... this could help you & he in this area ???


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I am glad that you have a thread, MarieJa. It is instructive to see how low desire spouses feel about sex.

If your husband is waiting for you to have an orgasm and you know that it ain't happening, signal to him that it is his turn.

I am a bit puzzled that you tried to increase your sexual desire for a week, and you just felt sex crazed. Did you honestly try to become aroused?

I think the best you can hope for is compromise with the frequency. All we are trying to get you to see is that sex is not just a physical act for your husband; it is how he feels loved by you. 

One more thought: are you sufficiently lubricated when you make love? It is irritating to your lady parts if not.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I know exactly how your wife feels. Actually, I once told the same to my husband. I know deep down I want him, well, sometimes, and I want to "originally" want him and THEN have sex. But when I suggested that, he couldn't wait and I gave in.
> 
> It would be nice to have the time and peace to notice what a great man he really is - without the *pressure of sex *around me all the time. Then I would want him, I know that. You see? If he waited for me and we would then have sex, I would ALSO feel the greatness of it, having initially wanted him!
> 
> Hmm... I am sure this viewpoint is really difficult to understand if you have never felt this way...


Hi marieJa ~

When you say the "pressure of sex", what do you mean? How is sex even initiated? Is the pressure from you, or from him?

For me, it usually takes my husband some amount of time everyday to interact with me - flirting or talking or hugging or being affectionate non-sexually - in order for me to feel close to him. It's like 'priming the pump' (he even calls it that). Someone who is more responsive desire, like most women are and like I most definitely am, may require this kind of interaction before they can move to the next step easily, because they simply do not have the make-up (either physical or emotional) to have spontaneous desire.

I think that you and your husband are two ships passing in the night - missing each other ... maybe neither one understanding what the other really needs.

I hope you will work toward being more open and honest with him about what it is that you need, and that you will be open and respectful with him when he tells you what he needs.

Best wishes.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marieJa said:


> I know exactly how your wife feels. Actually, I once told the same to my husband. I know deep down I want him, well, sometimes, and I want to "originally" want him and THEN have sex. But when I suggested that, he couldn't wait and I gave in.
> 
> It would be nice to have the time and peace to notice what a great man he really is - without the pressure of sex around me all the time. Then I would want him, I know that. You see? If he waited for me and we would then have sex, I would ALSO feel the greatness of it, having initially wanted him!
> 
> Hmm... I am sure this viewpoint is really difficult to understand if you have never felt this way...


I KNOW exactly how what you are wanting here - and I DID experience that ... that "GREATNESS"... because (unlike your husband)....mine didn't break down and have sex with me every time he wanted it, so when we did.. ONCE A WEEK for near 19 years (sometimes more )... It was HOT, Passionate, I was swimming in his kisses, on fire down below , I was craving it terribly...it never lasted more than a minute once I got ontop of him. 

But here is the very big *BUT* ... HE grew resentment towards ME ....cause he wanted it so much more.... it was then.....him putting himself down ... I did a thread on this issue... My husband HID his resentment from me for YEARS .... I cry just thinking about it... THat was no answer either, believe me. Honest heartfelt communication and Loving compromise where you both feel your needs are being met ....is the only answer. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> I know exactly how your wife feels. Actually, I once told the same to my husband. I know deep down I want him, well, sometimes, and I want to "originally" want him and THEN have sex. But when I suggested that, he couldn't wait and I gave in.


This to me sounds like a big piece of the puzzle. You need for him to be a more patient lover. You need him to give you time to get your mind into sex before you're ready and that's very typical for women (nothing wrong with that at all). You need to tell him this.

You also need to work on ways to help get your head into sex ahead of time. Perhaps for a while just schedule sex for a couple of weeks. Just no sex outside of those pre-planned moments. Then when it's about 30 minutes before the appointed time for sex just start thinking of anything that will get you in the mood. Have him do anything he can for you at that time to help. If it's just massaging your feet, getting you a treat of your choice... whatever. 

Then when the time for sex has arrived you can start the real foreplay and go from there.

I mention this because our ST mentioned this to us the past two weeks. We've not tried it a lot, but when we have it's made a big difference.

I would really encourage you to see a ST with your husband. I know where you are coming from. Please don't for a second think that I don't understand. It's a tough situation, and frankly your situation isn't far off from what my wife and I go through.

You definitely shouldn't be having sex with your husband everyday though. He needs to give you days where sex is just 100% off the table, and any hugging or kissing is just sweet affection (not a pretext for sex).


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Very strangely enough, there are some men here who AGREE on having sex with their wives, who they recognize aren't into it! And then you tell me that you feel an emotional connection there - where you KNOW your wife doesn't really want it.


My wife is now post-menopausal. Obviously thing aren't quite the same for her physically as they were before.

As with a long and thorough back massage, or a skillfully prepared meal, or a thoughtful gift, the emotional connection comes not from the physical act _per se_, but from the expression of love behind the physical act. 

I'm trying to picture what marriage would be like if your rationale regarding sex was applied to all of the other aspects as well. The picture that emerges is pretty bleak.

Please don't take this the wrong way; I'm not trying to be mean. Your attitude is every bit as difficult for a man to wrap his mind around as ours apparently is to you.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

What comes to my husband...

As I said, he is the most loving lover one could have. Not only in a sexual way; he also kisses and hugs me a lot during the day etc. We are really really connected.

But the amount of sex he wants is too much. I can't keep up with that.

He never pushes me into it, but he is so sensitive that I don't want to reject him when he approaches me. 

To me, it's a complicated situation.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Marie glad you are posting. It is rare to have a poster with low libido post and to continue posting under a barrage of opposing post is extremely rare. 

I think SA is spot on. Communication and compromise is the key. 
You are here so obviously you are looking for answers. You knew that men need sex before you posted. So that does not need to be repeated. You obviously know that your husband bonds with you when he has sex because he told you. 

Correct me if I got it wrong. Are you asking how to maintain the bond with your husband and at the same time not resent him? Resentment is a relationship killer so it is good that you ask. 

If that is your question, then I have a suggestion.as far as i can see, you did not mention talking to your husband? If not I think you should start there. 

Be honest and tell him how you feel. One thing I have found in my marrige is that communicating and overcoming problems brings me closer to my husband. When I suffer in silence I feel a distance. 

In a way you are asking him to make some changes to accomadation you out of love and compassion the way you are being asked to do the same for him. 

Let's say you compromise by having intercourse 2 times a week and oral sex with him one time a week? During the week when you do feel desire, have sex more frequently 

As far as the length of time you spend on each session would having a quickie at one of the two times work? 

He may not be totally happy but he has to adjust out of love the way you are being asked to do so. 

The concern is that if you both dont reach a comprimise you will reach a tipping point where the level of resentment will be so high that you may begin to refuse him. 

You want to avoid that at all cost. One thing is that your satisfaction with sex will increase as you get older. Many studies show that women have an increase in libido in the 30's and 40's. 

Does that sound like something you can do?


----------



## Hunch (Jan 18, 2012)

1) LD people are not bad people, just as people who prefer soul over rock 'n roll are not bad people.
2) the criticism the OP is getting is not because she is LD, it's because this forum is full of men (and women) who can wholly empathise with her husband, and her attitude is 4/5ths appaling.
C) My first reaction when I read the OP's line "why should I..etc etc" is unprintable. The only bit I could repeat is 'Divorce the poor barsteward, set him free and buy a cat. Then put a lonely heart ad in the local rag saying 'Wanted, roommate who is happy to behave like husband in exchange for satisfying me once a month.' 
iv) Marriage is fundamentally a sexual relationship. There is enough information out there so that not even the most sheltered of LD spouses could plead ignorance. If you did not let your husband know he was likely to have sex a mere 360 times for the REST OF HIS LIFE with one woman who isn't into it except on her own terms (by her own admission she resents doing it 94% of the time)... You cheated him. 
E) I'm not saying you're a bad person; you're clearly brave for staying the course of this thread, and you're a patient one for allowing your husband to make love to you so often when you don't want it. 

OP, you need to understand that your feller does not see you as an object to be used for sexual release; we men are blessed with a right hand, a wallet, and some of us are even good looking and charismatic enough (humour alert) to know at least one person we could text RIGHT NOW for a shag, and that person would GENUINELY feel the desire that we crave. But I, like I'm sure your husband, donot want anyone else to want us, do not want ro pay for aomeone to pretend they want us, or to pop off to the bog for a bit of 'alone time.' We simply want our wife to want us. So....

The answer lies in whether or not you have the will to change the way you feel. You might say 'I can't will myself to want more sex.' That is your Rationalisation Hamster (tm) saying "I dont't WANT to will myself to have more sex." Therein lies your answer. Part as freinds, put it down to experience. Remember, a man escaped from a German prison camp with no legs - the power of human will is inestimable. If you don't have the will to change, you won't. The marriage will fail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> *I do love my husband very much... Although it would be nice if he didn't want me so often.*


This sentence struck me to the very core. You don't want your husband to want you so much? Do you realize what you are saying here?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Beowulf,
You and most of the rest of the folks who are directly or indirectly being hard on Marie are killing me.

I know why my dynamic works so well. But i only have my one data point - my marriage. It is very rare we get an LD perspective and when we do the wall of overt hostility they face tends to drive them away quickly.





OTE=Beowulf;680073]This sentence struck me to the very core. You don't want your husband to want you so much? Do you realize what you are saying here?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I want to talk to people once a month but I have to tolerate doing that more. It's just the price of being a civilized person.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Marie...
How does it make you feel when you know your Husband is horny or has an errection and goes to bed without sex. Or in the morning before work. 

So many time I go to bed with an erection while my wife knows it and the following morning I still have an erection and go off to work where there are beautiful single women. I don't know what my wife thinks or what or how am I suppose to turn them down when they flirt with me


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Marie,
Don't give up on tam. There are many folks here who may have some suggestions for you that work. 

Let me start with a couple observations based on personal experience. 
- my wife sometimes felt the way you do. She really loves me and cares about me. She is attracted to me, though her desire is much lower. 
- when she came to the realization that a mutually acceptable frequency was still going to be "high" she made some decisions:
1. When she really does not want to, she does not reject she defers. "babe, can we connect tomorrow night" is a perfectly acceptable request. Really it isn't a request. It is a statement of intent combined with a clear cut enforcement of a boundary. Her boundary is that she has final decision on what happens to her body. In 22+ years I have maybe pressed her a handful of times when she has said that. 
2. "tomorrow night" is not a game whereby she puts me off in the hope that something will happen tomorrow that gives her another "out". Tomorrow night really means tomorrow night. 
3. If she was going to compromise so much on frequency than she felt it fair that we find a pattern that worked for her. For example, she might just want me to hold and kiss her, and then he might do other stuff to please me. The thing is, she was firm on this point. She was committed to making it good for me, in a way that wasn't bad for her. You need to do the same thing. 

With that said, this is my best analogy for you. I decided at the start I would be a really good H. And right or wrong our sex life was for lack of a better term my "report card". It isn't right. It isn't fair. It is however completely accurate. Exactly how we had sex didn't matter as much as the fact that my wife clearly made pleasing me a priority. A very high priority. Just as I did the same for outside the bedroom. 

Happily married to a LD, spouse......








marieJa said:


> What comes to my husband...
> 
> As I said, he is the most loving lover one could have. Not only in a sexual way; he also kisses and hugs me a lot during the day etc. We are really really connected.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Beowulf,
> You and most of the rest of the folks who are directly or indirectly being hard on Marie are killing me.
> 
> I know why my dynamic works so well. But i only have my one data point - my marriage. It is very rare we get an LD perspective and when we do the wall of overt hostility they face tends to drive them away quickly.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

To me that one sentence sums up the problem. Its not a problem she is going to solve by just trying to force her sex drive up. Simply having less sex is not going to solve the problem because she'll just want it less and less. I think her problem is that her mind doesn't feel like having sex even when her body does feel like having sex. There have been numerous studies that show how women can be physically aroused by something and yet consciously say that it is not arousing. It sounds to me like Marie's problem is not one that will be solved here on TAM or by compromising her or her husband sexual frequency. I hate to admit it but I think Havingsomethingtosay is correct. She needs to see a sex therapist to find out what it is that is causing her to have a mind/body disconnect.


----------



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> This sentence struck me to the very core. You don't want your husband to want you so much? Do you realize what you are saying here?


Careful what you wish for.....


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Marie... My wife is soooo just like you and I seem like your husband. My wife tries but she can't keep up with me. I wish that I wasn't so horny all the time. I really don't know what I expect of her if she doesn't enjoy it or even thinks about it. Especially now that she is really trying. It really hurt me to know she may feel as you do. 

What has worked a little for us is that we schedule it. So now she has time to prepare mentally for it. I don't expect it on the off nights. So far for the last few months, it has worked. As long as I don't want an additinal time slot. it is still not enough for me.

I know my wife doesn't want to hurt my feelings and I know she is doing her best.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Already - would your wife be willing to give your oral sex once a week in addition to the number of times you have sex now? 

Before and afterwards you can hold her and caress her so she feels your love. 

I like to give my husband bj while he is sitting at the side of the bed with men kneeling down on a pillow. I like that position above others because I feel surrounded by his legs and body. 

I like my hair caressed occasionally too. Would this work for you both. I have a need for affection both sexually and non-sexually. 

Giving my husband a bj and being surrounded and touched gently fulfills my need for affectionate touch. Does you wife like affectionate touch?


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> What comes to my husband...
> 
> As I said, he is the most loving lover one could have. Not only in a sexual way; he also kisses and hugs me a lot during the day etc. We are really really connected.
> 
> ...


Sounds a lot like my wife and I. We have 3 days a week when sex is completely off the table (just hugging, kissing and caressing). I also make a point not to ask all of the remaining days, so there's some feeling of spontaneity and that way too we have sex when the moment is right. Doing this we generally keep sex to about 2 (sometimes 3) days a week which seems to be a good compromise for us.

My wife, like you would prefer sex once every 1-3 months. I'm more like your husband in that every day would be great for me.

Obviously pick your own scheme that works for you two, but you may want to try something like this. Additionally if he can give you more of a heads up that he wants to make love to you later that night it might help you be ready to enjoy sex more.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Brown,
Its good you have found an accommodation. The first and most important compromise they need to find is a way to have sex where she doesn't feel bad. Without that, she will not be able to sustain a high enough level of frequency for him - without getting increasingly agitated. 

Marie,
A sex therapist really might help with this. The only reason we didn't need one was my wife was good at relaxing and letting me get her warmed up and I was mo than happy to lern how to do what she needed for it to feel good for her. Even so, we have had friction over this. 




QUOTE=Browncoat;680258]Sounds a lot like my wife and I. We have 3 days a week when sex is completely off the table (just hugging, kissing and caressing). I also make a point not to ask all of the remaining days, so there's some feeling of spontaneity and that way too we have sex when the moment is right. Doing this we generally keep sex to about 2 (sometimes 3) days a week which seems to be a good compromise for us.

My wife, like you would prefer sex once every 1-3 months. I'm more like your husband in that every day would be great for me.

Obviously pick your own scheme that works for you two, but you may want to try something like this. Additionally if he can give you more of a heads up that he wants to make love to you later that night it might help you be ready to enjoy sex more.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Already - would your wife be willing to give your oral sex once a week in addition to the number of times you have sex now?
> 
> Before and afterwards you can hold her and caress her so she feels your love.
> 
> Giving my husband a bj and being surrounded and touched gently fulfills my need for affectionate touch. Does you wife like affectionate touch?


My wife is not affectionate, even after 20 years. She isn't a touchy feely woman. She never even gives me a hug when I get home from work. our dog is the first to greet me at the door. It took her 15 years before she would even give me a bj. She tried for a few seconds before that but I knew she didn't like that either. Although she is getting better at it and I try to give her tip without making her feel bad, she still stops after 2 minutes. 

She guides me when I go down on her so it feel better for her. I do my best to keep going until she climaxes. The it's my turn. Sometime I know she will not orgasm during oral and thats ok.

I don't think she would ever just want to give me a bj. That has never happened.

Like marie, I know my wife is trying her best. I like Marie's post. I am trying myself to understand how my wife may feel through Marie.


----------



## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

marieJa said:


> It seems guys cannot get my point here.
> 
> It is not that I have decided to not to want sex. I don't want it. I don't think about it, except that one to two times a month. It is not a choice. It is very annoying to pretend to want it, then actually want it, then do it, then clean the sheets - all with my own body that is mine, not his.




As stated many times over, you are ignoring a main point and if you actually care about your husband, you will think about this very hard. There are a great many things that he probably does for you that are not natural to him, that feel like an incredible sacrifice personally. Things that he actually has to 'gear' himself up for, the same way that you could gear yourself up to have sex.

My husband works overseas. He is home one month, and then gone one month. The month that he is home, it is a sex marathon. Do I always feel like it? Nope, not really. Do I know that it's important to him? You bet! So, I am proactive in my keeping my attention levels for him high for a straight month. Read trashy novels, watch risque movies, write some sexy letters to him describing what you would like him to do to you. And if you feel as though you can't stand the idea of writing him an explicit letter, then tell him that you want to actively work on your sex life, and ask him to write something seductive to you! Ask him to go lingerie shopping with you, whether at a store or online. 

These are all things I actively do, to keep myself in the right mindset, to keep sex on the brain while he is home. You can call it what you like, 'tricking yourself into wanting it more', stoking the flames, etc...but what I call it is 'actively dating your spouse'. The biggest plus is, I actually do want to have sex with him if I am proactive with keeping it on the brain. The more I think about it all day long, the more fun I have that night (or morning or afternoon!) Marriage is work, relations are work, none of it comes magically or even naturally sometimes!

If you are not even willing to try, and to keep up with it, for the rest of your marriage. If you are not willing to actually work at it...then you just shouldn't be married to someone like your husband. Which is sad, because it's obvious you do love him, because you have made him sound like a wonderful one.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

OK. I have read this thread. 

I am going to speak frankly as a MD (middle drive) husband married to a LD/ND wife.

I get that you don't like sex much at all. You feel violated when you have it when you don't really don't want to. I strongly suspect you are looking for validation to cut your husband off to once a month. My advice is offered in that vein.

I understand, I honestly feel sympathy for you. I think your situation sucks. I think your husband's situation sucks more.

You might not think I am empathetic after you read what I post below, but I can sympathize with your predicament. I want to show you one example of how it plays out if you do it the way I suspect you want it to.

You should understand that you are 99.9% going to eventually head to divorce court if you try to only have it once a month wth a husband with any kind of drive.

Some individual counseling is much cheaper than divorce.

My .02.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

It's nice to hear different opinions.

I know these people who will just always say that sex comes as a priority to a man, as he is the one with the paycheck (or something similar). Luckily, my husband is not so simple. He has told me he could go his whole life without having sex with me (if I so wanted for any reason) - in his own words, the life without me terrifies him, whereas the life without sex doesn't. He always craved my mind too, and I'm his best friend and support in every possible way. He belongs to the group of men who will tear up if it ever seems to him that I am going to have sex with him without me being totally in the mood. Well, how can I resist a sweet man like that? I can't, but to have sex when not in the mood AT ALL is so very difficult for me. And yes, I'm that good of an actress.

That's why I like the idea of blowjobs. I don't have to stress out and force myself to be in the mood, but I could just please him. I understand the idea of working for the marriage (as that is what I have been doing) - but my question on this whole thread is, HOW TO DO IT WITHOUT RESENTMENT. It will not do any good for our marriage if we go on having sex and I feel worse and worse.

I can't just change my mind and body all of a sudden, as kindly suggested here, no matter how much I wanted to.

Actually, to be very honest, now that I'm seeing in this forum how different (and sorry to say, but I think quite heartless) men there are in the world, I'm starting to appreciate my husband so much more. After all, I have myself accepted to have sex with him so often (without talking to him enough about my feelings) - he has NEVER pushed me in any way. So I have nothing to complain about him, really. What I am sad about is our different needs. I don't want ANY of us to develop resentment and end up miserable or even divorcing.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

marieJa said:


> It's nice to hear different opinions.
> 
> I know these people who will just always say that sex comes as a priority to a man, as he is the one with the paycheck (or something similar). Luckily, my husband is not so simple. He has told me he could go his whole life without having sex with me (if I so wanted for any reason) - in his own words, the life without me terrifies him, whereas the life without sex doesn't. He always craved my mind too, and I'm his best friend and support in every possible way.


Yeah, I said that too, especially in the beginning and then less emphatically as 15 years passed. Because I wanted to have sex, and I thought not being honest with my feelings to my wife would get me what I wanted. During the 15 years I learned more and more what my friends were getting from their marriages, and I wasn't, however. I finally started speaking up.

I am far from heartless. If I were heartless I would have been gone a long time ago. Because of my heart, I keep hoping my wife will come around. 

For another 4 years....

I am telling you honestly how I think in hopes that it will be of value to you in sorting out how you want your life to unfold. It would be easier to lie to you, but maybe you can benefit from the truth.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Marie

In addition to the negative post, there were many really supportive positive posts with good suggestions, I think.

Also post from sweet men like your husband where they express their feelings. I do think that you should not hesitate to talk with him. 

I too appreciate my husband more now that ever. Reading posts from self-centered, rigid, and entitled women and men has been an eye opener. My husband could have been like one of them. 

I have also been greatly effected by posts from good men expressing their confusion about their wives refusing them. That is one of the reasons that I think it is important for you to do what you can to banish resentment. He is a good man and you are both well worth the effort that it will take to have a happy marriage.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marieJa said:


> Luckily, my husband is not so simple. He has told me he could go his whole life without having sex with me (if I so wanted for any reason) - in his own words, the life without me terrifies him, whereas the life without sex doesn't. He always craved my mind too, and I'm his best friend and support in every possible way. He belongs to the group of men who will tear up if it ever seems to him that I am going to have sex with him without me being totally in the mood.


MarieJa... listen to me, you ARE married to a hell of a good man... I know because MY husband is EXACTLY the way you described yours here...he has told me also he would never leave me, he loves me too much... even if I cut off the sex.... I told him I was not THAT loving (it was just a question -that is not going to ever happen)....he also is the type of man that tears up over how strongly he feels about US, men this vulnerable with their wives is NOT something you find every day in this life. What a deep treasure you have. 

Personally I love sensitive men... like this, I wouldn't want any other type, I am spoiled.. 

But on the flip side...beings he sounds just like mine, these type of men's sole pleasure IS in pleasing their wives... I am not sure you comprehend what this may DO to him knowing you wish his desire would slowly fade for you. 

If I ever felt that way and expressed this even in the smallest way to my husband...he would be destroyed inside, I am not even sure he'd be able to overcome it. It would suck the life out of him, it is just the way he is. I know him very very very well. Yours can't even stay away. Like I say, mine tried....but it took a heavy toll on him. A couple yrs ago, we busted all of that open, he told me he wanted me to suffer the way he was inside. He felt less loved... all of this over "making love", he wanted so much more from me. 

I don't know....this is an awful dilemma to have. If he was not such a sensitive man who lives to please you, I think this would be easier somehow to open those floodgates of communication. 





> Well, how can I resist a sweet man like that? I can't, but to have sex when not in the mood AT ALL is so very difficult for me. And yes, I'm that good of an actress.


 From this, I get the idea....he has NO IDEA? 

Tell me, you know him best...what do you feel this will do to him???



> Actually, to be very honest, now that I'm seeing in this forum how different (and sorry to say, but I think quite heartless) men there are in the world, I'm starting to appreciate my husband so much more. After all, I have myself accepted to have sex with him so often (without talking to him enough about my feelings) - he has NEVER pushed me in any way. So I have nothing to complain about him, really. What I am sad about is our different needs. I don't want ANY of us to develop resentment and end up miserable or even divorcing.


This place will do that, I came here whining I wanted my husband to have MORE DESIRE, MORE LUST... and be more AGGRESSIVE with me, I was the one RAGING for sex (and I am not exactly the patient type).... after I started reading about some of these other men, specifically the more Alpha types.......I realized......damn...what I have is PERFECT for who I am , a more aggressive female. It helped me apprecaite him more than anything I ever imagined ! 

I am very happy you are seeing what you have at home, even this can arouse a new inspiration to please the man who has given you his all in this life. 

Sometimes we need overwhelmed like that.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

marieJa said:


> It's nice to hear different opinions.
> 
> I know these people who will just always say that sex comes as a priority to a man, as he is the one with the paycheck (or something similar).
> 
> ...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Inside_Looking_Out said *: These are all things I actively do, to keep myself in the right *mindset*, to keep sex on the brain while he is home. You can call it what you like, 'tricking yourself into wanting it more', stoking the flames, etc...but what I call it is 'actively dating your spouse'. The biggest plus is, I actually do want to have sex with him if I am proactive with keeping it on the brain. The more I think about it all day long, the more fun I have that night (or morning or afternoon!) Marriage is work, relations are work, none of it comes magically or even naturally sometimes.


Even Sex Therapists will tell you .....our biggest sex organ is our Brains....I so believe this... so long as we have adequate hormones running through our bodies.'

Renewing a *mindset *can change the whole course of our lives. 

I have always been able to arouse my brain -if I really truly cared too..and set my mind to it. It is an act of the will....an attitude. 

For example: Something I hate to do... play board games with my kids... It seems as soon as I sit down, I start yawning, eventually I am entertaining throwing myself on the floor & I saying "I can't take it anymore!! "... and yes I have done this, It is awful.... I have a sucky attitude ... but I don't have to act like that... I can arouse my brain, train it ahead of time to give myeslf happy feedback....

...... "I am so blessed to have these beautiful children, they will only be young once, this is my season with my children , do not neglect it nor take it for granted... it means so much to THEM that I sit here & enjoy this time with them, laugh with them, roll that darn dice & buy monopoly houses!"...I have to put myself aside, take in the whole picture, give myself some SELF TALK even... all this just to play freaking board games. But seeing their happy smiling faces, laughing with me... how can I not!

It is an attitude, one of gratitude they are in my life, that my children WANT to play with me... someday they won't !! When I hear "Cats in the Cradle" on the radio, I know how precious this time is! Sometimes I need reminding. 

We need to arouse our brains....do whatever we have to do , whatever works to appreciate what is in front of us. 

A husband's desire.... I see it as such a GIFT.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Any references to sex I have made here, Please think of it as of it as physical affection first and then sex as a close second.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Actually, to be very honest, now that I'm seeing in this forum how different (and sorry to say, but I think quite heartless) men there are in the world, I'm starting to appreciate my husband so much more. After all, I have myself accepted to have sex with him so often (without talking to him enough about my feelings) - he has NEVER pushed me in any way. So I have nothing to complain about him, really. What I am sad about is our different needs. I don't want ANY of us to develop resentment and end up miserable or even divorcing.


Try it once a month and you will find that your husband is much more like the posters on this forum than you think. Right now he is the husband you want so much because he isn't longing for you. Take it away, and he will change drastically.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Try it once a month and you will find that your husband is much more like the posters on this forum than you think. Right now he is the husband you want so much because he isn't longing for you. Take it away, and he will change drastically.


You see, it is not that simple. So your advice is that I remain resentful, not him? How is that any better? He's happy, I'm not?

What can I do if you (mostly, men) do not understand that I feel bad when I have to have sex?


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

marieJa said:


> You see, it is not that simple. So your advice is that I remain resentful, not him? How is that any better? He's happy, I'm not?
> 
> What can I do if you (mostly, men) do not understand that I feel bad when I have to have sex?


I think the men very clearly understand that you don't like having sex. I understand, believe me. I live with a usually pleasant but constantly platonic roommate. You are at least physically affectionate with your husband very frequently, even if you don't like it. I would kill for that from my wife. 

Very bluntly put, what I am saying (I can't speak for others here) and what you are refusing to accept, is that if you want to have a satisfying relationship with your husband long-term and not have him eventually thinking about the expensive platonic roommate he is supporting while he is running through Spousal Support and Child Support calculations from memory every day... 

*You need to find a way to get over it. *


I sincerely wish I had the answer for you in how to do that. If I did, believe me, I would have my wife at the front of the line. My best guess is IC and perhaps a sex therapist would help. I can only tell you that there is no way a man with any drive at all is going to be satisfied with once a month sex. He might put up with it for a while, but he is going to suspect that it is going to get worse in time. Where does that leave him? Eventually he is going to want O-U-T. 

I can't begin to tell you the sinking feeling I had when things trickled off to nothing. It was like living a horror movie.

Based on what you have stated in this thread, if you want to keep your current husband, your once a month thoughts are totally implausible..

No offense intended, Ma'am. It is what it is, whether you like it or not. Sometimes the truth is painful, but it is still the truth...


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Your husband will cheat on you. Keep up with limp fish act until some bombshell starts stroking his ego and makes him feel *desirable*. Life without you would seem very attractive then.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

First Posse..... Why are you waiting 4 years????? Sorry 14 years old or 18, there will be very little difference in how the children are affected. Your wife is walking all over you at this point.

MarieJa...... Your husband as another poster said is great because he is getting sex 3-5X/wk and has no idea what it is going to you because you do Orgasm and are hiding all this resentment. Heck for all I know my spouse and all the spouse's having more sex then they want and still Orgasming feel the exact same way you do and we are violating them (and trust me I doubt anyone is in such a skewed relationship having sex 95% of the time when they don't want to).

But yes I too am shocked at everyone piling on you (and telling you to suck it up per se or give him bj's), and no one saying that yes maybe 1X/wk may be a better compromise or telling him to put it back in his pants.

Please see a professional. Whatever resentment or issues you have about sex (which are obvious from your posts) need to be explored by a professional, not a book or us here on TAM.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> You see, it is not that simple. So your advice is that I remain resentful, not him? How is that any better? He's happy, I'm not?
> 
> What can I do if you (mostly, men) do not understand that I feel bad when I have to have sex?


What I'm saying is, get some counselling (sex therapist) and get it now. Get to the bottom of why you don't want to have sex, if you are truly asexual or not. You may be surprised there are other factors at play.

Don't just back off to 1x/month w/o trying to see if there is room for one or both of you to change first. If you do that, down the road your husband will either cheat, be depressed/angry, or divorce you. I hate to tell you, and while he may be able to continue with 1x/month for years and years it WILL catch up to him.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> What I'm saying is, get some counselling (sex therapist) and get it now. Get to the bottom of why you don't want to have sex, if you are truly asexual or not. You may be surprised there are other factors at play.
> 
> Don't just back off to 1x/month w/o trying to see if there is room for one or both of you to change first. If you do that, down the road your husband will either cheat, be depressed/angry, or divorce you. I hate to tell you, and while he may be able to continue with 1x/month for years and years it WILL catch up to him.


But she is doing it 20X's/mth right now and feeling awful (even though she Orgasms)!!!!!! She is vilified on TAM for stating she is not happy...... I am shocked at the responses.

You are right though as I have said she needs PROFESSIONAL HELP to get to the core of why he has felt this way with EVERYONE she has been with about sex.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

marieJa said:


> It's nice to hear different opinions.
> 
> I know these people who will just always say that sex comes as a priority to a man, as he is the one with the paycheck (or something similar). Luckily, my husband is not so simple. He has told me he could go his whole life without having sex with me (if I so wanted for any reason) - in his own words, the life without me terrifies him, whereas the life without sex doesn't. He always craved my mind too, and I'm his best friend and support in every possible way. He belongs to the group of men who will tear up if it ever seems to him that I am going to have sex with him without me being totally in the mood. Well, how can I resist a sweet man like that? I can't, but to have sex when not in the mood AT ALL is so very difficult for me. And yes, I'm that good of an actress.
> 
> ...


MariaJa,

The resentment issue, avoiding it, was part of what I was getting at in an earlier reply. I commend you for wanting to find a mutually satisfying state in the marriage, where you can avoid resentment. I think you almost have to seperate the resentment from the sex issue, so to speak. In your mind, explore the other areas where you might feel resentment over having to do the types of things that you do not necessarily enjoy. Sometimes, you'll find that your mind rationalizes those things differently - like maybe you are able to dismiss the resentment because you tangibly link that act to an expression of love for your husband. Looking at it externally, you might find that the resentment over sex might be due to feeling exploited, or degraded. What I'm getting at is to try to understand why you may be prone to resentment with his sex drive - by looking at other areas where you meet his needs without that resentment. You can also question him, and see if there are areas where he says that he is doing something because he wants to, but you can tell that he is really doing it because he loves you, and chose to. Try to see how he rationalizes doing things that he doesn't necessarily need for himself. Looking at it in the perspective of the overall balance of things that the two of you do might help.

My wife also once mentioned how she can seperate some aspects of making love from the sex itself. She really has a strong need for the intimacy she feels from holding each other, and could literally enjoy doing so for a long time each day. It becomes almost automatic for us to change the way we make love to meet these individual needs of hers when she is just not as into the moment as she is in other times.

I'm not suggesting that this will bring you to a full compromise with your husband's drive. It will, however, help you get closer to pinpointing the area where you can pursue counseling, largely from the perspective of avoiding the resentment and the problems it can cause down the road.

Keep in mind that what you are hearing from your husband, when he says that he can love you without sex, may not be a universal response. If he senses that sex is an unwelcome chore, the same resentment you feel can settle into him, for the opposite reason. You are merely seeing an opinion that is based on a time in the relationship.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
> 
> My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
> 
> ...


Don't complain later when he decides he has had enough of your selfishness. In fact, some women here would kill to have a man that giving.


----------



## longtimemarried (Apr 4, 2012)

marieJa said:


> It's nice to hear different opinions.
> 
> I know these people who will just always say that sex comes as a priority to a man, as he is the one with the paycheck (or something similar). Luckily, my husband is not so simple. He has told me he could go his whole life without having sex with me (if I so wanted for any reason) - in his own words, the life without me terrifies him, whereas the life without sex doesn't. He always craved my mind too, and I'm his best friend and support in every possible way. He belongs to the group of men who will tear up if it ever seems to him that I am going to have sex with him without me being totally in the mood. Well, how can I resist a sweet man like that? I can't, but to have sex when not in the mood AT ALL is so very difficult for me. And yes, I'm that good of an actress.
> 
> ...


I find that the best way to answer any unanswerable question is to reword the question. You started with why should you have more sex than you want. But perhaps the question you really want answered is how to avoid the development of resentments in your marriage. That is an easier question to answer. Resentments develop when one partner feels the other is getting his/her way to the detriment of the other. The sex several times a week when you only want it once a month is causing you to feel this way. Your husband has said if you don't want sex, he doesn't either. However the loss will likely eventually result in him developing resentments. You also said you tried reading erotica and it increased your desire but you thought your desire distracted you from other priorities. The way to avoid resentments from forming is to each of you consciously giving what the other wants but also getting what you want. 

I would start with discussing a compromise. Each stating what would be ideal and what would be difficult to maintain. Keep in mind this is going to change over the years, therefore you will need to revisit it. Perhaps you could drop frequency to once a week and you read erotica before having sex that day. You don't mind blowjobs so perhaps you give him one another day or two a week. You keep up this schedule a month or so and the reevaluate if it suits you. If not, you determine if you need to have sex less and what you need to add to satisfy him. Together you keep trying to find the frequency that gives you both what you want to some extent and both what you don't want to some extent. I just pulled that frequency out as an example of a starting point. The two of you need to work together to find what works for the two of you. The point is to start somewhere and keep evaluating if it's working for you as a couple. 

Resentment is the worse thing in a marriage. They form when one partner feels his/her needs are being ignored while the other partner is getting what he/she needs. It is very hard to resolve a resentment once it develops. It is better to prevent them from forming. The way to do that is to consciously work together on any conflict with the goal of each getting his/her way and each not getting his/her way. The two of you don't seem to have yet built resentments and you care for one another. Be the unique couple with mismatched libidos to resolve the issue before resentments build. Give a little instead of the lot you are doing and ask him to do the same. 

I also stand by my earlier advice that no matter how little sex you have with him, have it with the mindset that you are powerful in that you choose when and how. You also are powerful in that you are bringing someone you love such pleasure. Giving out of love is easier to enjoy. The answer to your original question becomes to prevent your husband from developing resentments over the infrequency of sex in his life. The goal is to prevent both of you from being resentful regarding your sex life. To do this, you need to find the place where your sexual see saw has both of you sitting balanced facing each other. Neither has the all consuming high while the other is sitting in the dirt resentful of being there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Your husband will cheat on you. Keep up with limp fish act until some bombshell starts stroking his ego and makes him feel *desirable*. Life without you would seem very attractive then.


The hard part for me is that I feel desired by other women more than I feel desred by my wife.

Like Marie, My wife doesn't feel sexual ever. Not by reading novels, not by erotic movies, no self pleasure NEVER. She doesn't get wet, nothing at all. I KNOW it takes a lot to get her in the mood. 

After 20 years, it hasn't changed. I believe this will be Marie' future. If her husband is like me, He will stay faithful. But he may not be happy. 

I haven't cheated yet, but I think of other women a lot. On top of that I feel they desire me. I am afraid that at some point, I may have a moment of weakness. I just want my wife to desire me.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

marieJa said:


> You see, it is not that simple. So your advice is that I remain resentful, not him? How is that any better? He's happy, I'm not?
> 
> What can I do if you (mostly, men) do not understand that I feel bad when I have to have sex?


Cause everybody has to do things they don't want to do. I didn't necessarily want to be the primary financial provider in my marriage, but guess what, buttercup? That's part of being married.

A healthy sex life is one of those things you sign up for when you get married. Yes, there's allowances for "sickness and health"... But I don't recall hearing anything about "I don't feel like it". And while sex isn't the only thing you get out of marriage, since you're promising fidelity to that other person to the rest of your life, there is some level of obligation that the parties try to work out a good compromise.

I'm not saying you should be having sex with him every day, as he'd prefer. I'm not saying each time has to be full intercourse... A BJ might be fine. But once a month seems very unreasonable to someone who'd like it once a day. 

Trust us... The resentments will build, no matter what he says now. The result will be a wedge driven into your marriage, with either adultery or divorce as the end result. Or just a really unhappy co-existance, where you each do your own thing and are really just room-mates.

C


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

We just had to spen money on a new Hot water heater this morning. I told my Daughter everthing cost money... She said, "you're wrong Daddy...Kisses and hugs are free. Smiles are free too".

She is only eight and she knows more about love and desire than most people.

Hugs, kisses, smiles, compassiom passion, desire, sex... all are free, but we put such a huge emotional price on it. It usually come at a price...It comes with strings. I can learn a lot from my daughter. All she knows now is unconditional love. 

What I want from my wife is all free. Why do I feel like I have to pay for it. 

Marie... Don't know if you can relate to this! Sex with your husband shouldn't come at a price for you and I hope that it doesn't come at a high price for my wife.


----------



## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> But she is doing it 20X's/mth right now and feeling awful (even though she Orgasms)!!!!!! She is vilified on TAM for stating she is not happy...... I am shocked at the responses.
> 
> You are right though as I have said she needs PROFESSIONAL HELP to get to the core of why he has felt this way with EVERYONE she has been with about sex.


I agree. She said she wants other types of love like backrubs and he says no and wants sex 5 times a week. I agree with you, he sounds like the selfish one not her. She is doing what he wants. What is he doing. Nothing that she wants.
I dont understand the anger either. It sounds like she is working with this and get nothing from him. The response makes me angry.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MominMayberry said:


> I agree. She said she wants other types of love like backrubs and he says no and wants sex 5 times a week. I agree with you, he sounds like the selfish one not her. She is doing what he wants. What is he doing. Nothing that she wants.
> I dont understand the anger either. It sounds like she is working with this and get nothing from him. The response makes me angry.


I think you really misread what she posted. She acknowledges that her husband is an attentive man and is good to her. Nothing in what she wrote makes him out to be selfish. 

The problem is communication that's all. He does not know how she feels and she does not want to hurt him by telling him. He stated that he would not want to have sex if she did not want to. That is not a selfish man. 

I think that is not a good that he says that because he would likely be very unhappy if he were so emotionally disconnected from his wife. 

He does not know that though. He is just a good man in love and willing to do anything for the woman he loves. That is the antithesis of selfish.


----------



## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I think you really misread what she posted. She acknowledges that her husband is an attentive man and is good to her. Nothing in what she wrote makes him out to be selfish.
> 
> The problem is communication that's all. He does not know how she feels and she does not want to hurt him by telling him. He stated that he would not want to have sex if she did not want to. That is not a selfish man.
> 
> ...


Yes she said he was a good guy and loving. She said that she wants other kinds of love but that doesnt happen. I didnt know she hasnt told him. I thought she did and he said no. She needs to tell him. I still dont think she is selfish she does what he wants and bottles her thoughts. I think this will hurt her and anger her in the future. I think the anger at here is wrong. She wants help and gets name called.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

MominMayberry said:


> Yes she said he was a good guy and loving. She said that she wants other kinds of love but that doesnt happen. I didnt know she hasnt told him. I thought she did and he said no. She needs to tell him. I still dont think she is selfish she does what he wants and bottles her thoughts. I think this will hurt her and anger her in the future. I think the anger at here is wrong. She wants help and gets name called.


Yep and the advise o her is to suck it up and do your wifely duties..... Maybe also throw in some BJ's when he waggles is d#$k in our direction too.......

It seems very obvious she need to see and talk to an expert about this (sex therapist or counselor) to get to the core about these feelings.

Very few suggested that. All the suggestions was that this is her problem and to read this book or that and get herself in the mood and 4X's/wk is perfectly normal (OP claims he wants it more then that too)....


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi marieJa ~

You know ... you haven't really told us a lot about your life or relationship in general.

You mention having desire around one time a month ... is that when you are ovulating? That would be the typical time that most women would be most desirous of sex.

How is your health in general? Do you exercise? Are you a healthy weight?

Do you work/go to school/have kids? Are you stressed most of the time? 

Do you get enough rest? Have enough time to yourself to be able to pursue things that you enjoy?

Sometimes a lot of the little things in our lives start to add up and it affects both our physical and mental condition, which can in turn affect our desire levels. If there are those kinds of roadblocks in your life, then you could look into ways that you could try and eliminate or minimize those disruptions.

A few years ago I was having a lot of problems with fatigue and stress (turned out I had a thyroid problem), but that cumulative effect over time really made sex a chore for me ... I just wasn't physically healthy enough to have enough energy to keep up the pace that my husband would have liked.

It sounds like your H is a nice, sensitive guy. You mentioned that one thing you would like is to be able to have time to actually want him, but he always instigates first. When you discuss this with him, you might want to mention something like the following "Honey, I would really love to be able to have an opportunity to have sex where I can initiate it. Do you think we could try an experiment for the next month where we each have 3 days a week where we can be the primary initiator ... each picking the time, place for sex?" Then see how it goes.

And, contrary to a lot of the negative barrage I've read in this post ... your desires are every bit as important as those of your husband. Neither one's desires or priorities should be elevated above the other making one feel inadequate or resentful.

While trying to keep a balance between both partners can be tricky, if you and your husband are up for working it out together, then you could end up with a much renewed and strengthened marriage...and that in and of itself can also greatly increase a person's desire.  

Best wishes.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Yep and the advise o her is to suck it up and do your wifely duties..... Maybe also throw in some BJ's when he waggles is d#$k in our direction too.......
> 
> It seems very obvious she need to see and talk to an expert about this (sex therapist or counselor) to get to the core about these feelings.
> 
> Very few suggested that. All the suggestions was that this is her problem and to read this book or that and get herself in the mood and 4X's/wk is perfectly normal (OP claims he wants it more then that too)....


No, not all the suggestions said that. Mine sure didn't. At least, that's not what I intended.

Mine was that stripping things back to once a month would like be unsustainable long term, and unfair to her husband. Same as daily would be unfair to her. 2 or three times a week seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise, to me.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> No, not all the suggestions said that. Mine sure didn't. At least, that's not what I intended.
> 
> Mine was that stripping things back to once a month would like be unsustainable long term, and unfair to her husband. Same as daily would be unfair to her. 2 or three times a week seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise, to me.
> 
> ...


Not everyone you are right..... But very few felt for her and some were downright nasty to her. PBear, I think going from 1X/mth to 10X's/mth, which is your compromise, is a huge move if you look at it as asking her to do something *90%* of the time that she does not want to.

What she needs is to reiterate is to see a professional to understand why she feels this. Heck can you imagine doing something you absolutely don't want to 90% of the time????

Do I think she has an unhealthy view of sex???? Absolutely, but the advise given I think has been often nasty. She too has said that reading this makes her dislike males more and more (considering many who have posted are women). That too is unhealthy...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If I disliked my job 90% of the time, I wouldn't be asking them if I could just come in to work the one day or two I felt like it. I would understand and expect that I either meet my commitment, or I find another job. Or find a way to be happy/ok with the current one.

If they were both once a month sex drive people, nobody would be suggesting she do anything to "fix" her sex drive. But they're not. So the solution is a compromise, not one person deciding that their way is the right way. If a compromise isn't achievable, then the best solution is likely to part ways. The resulting friction if they don't find a suitable compromise will simply cause too many resentments and frustrations.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

havesomethingtosay, What kind of response should she expect, assuming she bothered to read a few of the other threads offered by people who have been deprived of "any" amount of normal physical contact by their spouses? Add to them, those that who have found their spouses cheating on them and it should be obvious what retorts could be expected.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PBear said:


> If I disliked my job 90% of the time, I wouldn't be asking them if I could just come in to work the one day or two I felt like it. I would understand and expect that I either meet my commitment, or I find another job. Or find a way to be happy/ok with the current one.


This is so good I had to quote it.

YES this is what everyone here is trying to say. We aren't trying to be mean it is what it is. Her husband wants sex (that's part of the commitment of marriage). She hates it. She either needs to learn to like it or let him go. 

I don't care if she ever has sex again I'm more concerned about her husband.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> If I disliked my job 90% of the time, I wouldn't be asking them if I could just come in to work the one day or two I felt like it. I would understand and expect that I either meet my commitment, or I find another job. Or find a way to be happy/ok with the current one.
> 
> If they were both once a month sex drive people, nobody would be suggesting she do anything to "fix" her sex drive. But they're not. So the solution is a compromise, not one person deciding that their way is the right way. If a compromise isn't achievable, then the best solution is likely to part ways. The resulting friction if they don't find a suitable compromise will simply cause too many resentments and frustrations.
> 
> ...


Incredible, you have likes too comparing marriage and sex to a job..... I can't begin to debate as to how silly that is. If you don't like the job, talk to your boss and eliminate the 90% you don't like and ave 90% more free time and 10% of your salary. 

Asking the OP to compromise *90% of the time (1X vs 10X's /mth* s hardly a compromise. There is a chasm. She needs for the 100th time professional help to understand why she feels as she does. If she can't overcome it or get comfortable with more sex (which she does enjoy), then yes divorce. What I hate reading is she is living with such an issue.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> This is so good I had to quote it.
> 
> YES this is what everyone here is trying to say. We aren't trying to be mean it is what it is. Her husband wants sex (that's part of the commitment of marriage). She hates it. She either needs to learn to like it or let him go.
> 
> *I don't care if she ever has sex again I'm more concerned about her husband*.


Not meaning to pick on you Mavash, but this last bit bothers me.

We should be concerned about the welfare of BOTH of these people, not just the husband.

This wife has thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs every bit as much as her husband does. And those things needs to be addressed the best way that they can to the benefit of BOTH of them.


----------



## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

hookares said:


> havesomethingtosay, What kind of response should she expect, assuming she bothered to read a few of the other threads offered by people who have been deprived of "any" amount of normal physical contact by their spouses? Add to them, those that who have found their spouses cheating on them and it should be obvious what retorts could be expected.


She expected to come to a marriage sight that could offer her advise not call her names. Isnt that what this place is? I came here to learn about things and I dont expect name calling. My friend told me about this place. She is hear because she wants help. Saying "what should she expect" because others are angry and bitter is crazy. Get rid of the angry and bitter so those who arent can help her. If you cannot say any thing nice to help her dont post to her post.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

marieJa said:


> You see, it is not that simple. So your advice is that I remain resentful, not him? How is that any better? He's happy, I'm not?
> 
> What can I do if you (mostly, men) do not understand that I feel bad when I have to have sex?


I didn't address your whole issue. I just addressed the one point you've made that your husband isn't like "us". Take away his sexual satisfaction and very likely will be.

I don't think there is anything close to a simple solution for you. You've got some very hard choices to make. 

You could go for the once a month. I guarantee eventually your husband will change. Either he's going to leave you or he'll be miserable and no longer be the husband you love now.

You could compromise in the middle. But the fact remains that unless you drop back to once a month to when you want it, you're going to be resentful. Maybe a tiny bit less, you're still going to feel the very same way. Deep down feeling that way 3-5 times a month instead of 15 isn't going to make you feel less resentful. You're still doing it when you don't want to. The one thing this will do is make your husband more likely to stick around instead of dump you. But he will be miserable. It will take long for him to get that way, but trust me he'll get there. Why do I say that... that's what I lived for about 7 years. Thank goodness we've both made changes and I no longer live that life.

You could figure out while it makes you feel resentful to have sex when you weren't in the mood to start with. I don't understand this point of view. I have been on the other side of the HD/LD balance and I never felt that way. I could be absolutely not in the mood and got there for her. I felt 180 around from you afterwards. I felt happy, connected and loved when done. Perhaps it is a male/female issue?

Others have made the suggestion to "free your man" and let him go knowing that the choice is either for you to be miserable or for him to be miserable and you don't want that.


----------



## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

Not read every post in this thread (although I bet there are some good ones) 

It really sounds like the OP's husband is suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome, and she is losing all respect and real desire for him because of it. From what I can make out it's hard for women to actually work out, mainly because it's a biological function, but there it is, it's not uncommon and can be fixed


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Bluemoon1 said:


> Not read every post in this thread (although I bet there are some good ones)
> 
> It really sounds like the OP's husband is suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome, and she is losing all respect and real desire for him because of it. From what I can make out it's hard for women to actually work out, mainly because it's a biological function, but there it is, it's not uncommon and can be fixed


What!!!!!!!!!!! He is getting sex 20X's/mth, she wants it 1X/mth and he doesn't know how terrible she feels about it all..... And he is suffering Nice Guy Syndrome???????

Wow..... A lot of people here I swear have reading problems (yes that was nasty and uncalled for, I know!!!!!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Not meaning to pick on you Mavash, but this last bit bothers me.
> 
> We should be concerned about the welfare of BOTH of these people, not just the husband.
> 
> This wife has thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs every bit as much as her husband does. And those things needs to be addressed the best way that they can to the benefit of BOTH of them.


Enchantment,

At least marieJa knows the score.

Her poor sap of a husband has no idea.

I guarantee you he thinks he's shooting the lights out with her in bed and has never felt better.

If he knew the truth? It would be like someone swinging a 2x4 and hitting him in the head.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I read the entire thread. Wow.

Bit of a withering barrage.

Simple question.

Why don't you just make it clear to him that you would only prefer to have sex in that week before your period ... and that's it?

Basically ... why don't you just tell him the truth?

Especially given that it appears he will accept that truth.


----------



## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> What!!!!!!!!!!! He is getting sex 20X's/mth, she wants it 1X/mth and he doesn't know how terrible she feels about it all..... And he is suffering Nice Guy Syndrome???????
> 
> Wow..... A lot of people here I swear have reading problems (yes that was nasty and uncalled for, I know!!!!!


Water off a ducks back, your only letters on the screen, however it has nothing to do with the quantity of sex but rather the quality, and the simple fact that regardless of the fact that they do it 20 times a month she does not want to do it more than once a month


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Not meaning to pick on you Mavash, but this last bit bothers me.
> 
> We should be concerned about the welfare of BOTH of these people, not just the husband.
> 
> This wife has thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs every bit as much as her husband does. And those things needs to be addressed the best way that they can to the benefit of BOTH of them.


I love your posts. I know you are LD but you grasp the importance of sex in a marriage. This woman does not. Not even close. And she isn't listening to anyone here. She still stands firm to her notion that HE should just want it less. So do I feel more sorry for him? Yes.

If she said once a week I'd have a different answer but once a MONTH. Seriously? That's sexless no matter how you sugarcoat it.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Bluemoon1 said:


> Water off a ducks back, your only letters on the screen, however it has nothing to do with the quantity of sex but rather the quality, and the simple fact that regardless of the fact that they do it 20 times a month she does not want to do it more than once a month


You think if she would have told him that he'd have married her?


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I love your posts. I know you are LD but you grasp the importance of sex in a marriage. This woman does not. Not even close. And she isn't listening to anyone here. She still stands firm to her notion that HE should just want it less. So do I feel more sorry for him? Yes.
> 
> If she said once a week I'd have a different answer but once a MONTH. Seriously? That's sexless no matter how you sugarcoat it.


She is doing it 20Xs/mth with him!!!!! Did you miss that????? Sheesh


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> She is doing it 20Xs/mth with him!!!!! Did you miss that????? Sheesh


And she hates every minute of it. AND is building resentment on top of resentment each and every one of those 20 times a month. 

Keep that up and one day she will just explode.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Yep and the advise o her is to suck it up and do your wifely duties..... Maybe also throw in some BJ's when he waggles is d#$k in our direction too.......
> 
> It seems very obvious she need to see and talk to an expert about this (sex therapist or counselor) to get to the core about these feelings.
> 
> Very few suggested that. All the suggestions was that this is her problem and to read this book or that and get herself in the mood and 4X's/wk is perfectly normal (OP claims he wants it more then that too)....


I actually agreed with you that she AND her husband should see a professional. But she does have to tell him there is a problem first. My main concern was that she can get aroused but finds it annoying and she says she wishes her husband wouldn't want her as much as he does. The first statement makes me think she needs to work out some attitudes/feelings about sex. And no I don't think anything is inherently wrong with her. Its just the way she seems to view arousal is concerning. The second statement certainly sounds to me like resentment and if it continues to build there will be huge problems in their marriage.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.

I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.

I'm sure my great husband will understand me and we will reach a compromise. I am crazy about him... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means. But I know he can't be happy if I'm not happy, and if having sex too often makes me unhappy, he will not do that. And no I don't expect to have sex only once a month - I said COMPROMISE! Come on, we love each other! 

I very well understand the point of view of many that it is surely ME who has to go to the therapy (I don't mean that my H should go, he's normal. I am too, even though I want less sex than SOME people). Should I see a professional? Hmm... If we really can't reach a compromise ourselves. 

Listen, I don't think my drive is SO abnormal. Isn't it obvious that many people on this very thread have wives with similar drives? Accept it or not, but this happens.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> She is doing it 20Xs/mth with him!!!!! Did you miss that????? Sheesh


Actually, she says "3-5 times a week", plus there's likely a week of "no-go" with that time of the month. That's more like (average of 4 times per week * 3 weeks) = 12 times a month...

And most people aren't up in arms about that frequency. Heck, many of us would have loved that frequency in our relationships. It's the unilateral cutting back to what she wants, which is once a month. As an FYI, I was ok with once a week in my marriage, manually supplemented. When it started slipping to once a month or less, that was one of a number of dealbreakers. Of course, I was 43 at the time... Not sure how I would have responded at once a week at 20 something.

In regard to comparing a marriage to a job, it's called an analogy. Useful for trying to convey a point when having a discussion. I could compare it to a car, or a horse, or anything else. It doesn't mean I think it's a car, a horse, or a job. Just that there's some particular similarities I'm trying to get across.

C


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

marieJa said:


> I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.
> 
> I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you have a good plan, MarieJa. Good luck!

C


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good, MarieJa. Marriage is all about communication, caring, and compromise.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

marieJa said:


> ...I would like to fully understand how sex is so important for men - I really can't see it.






marieJa said:


> ... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means.


I'm sorry people were so blunt on this thread. Your needs are every bit as important as your husband's. 

You do seem to have moved in the direction of empathy and that will make it much easier for both of you when you talk with your husband.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

This thread really got me thinking & appreciating my husband. I have to say thanks...


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

See?

Now wasn't that easy?

People have problems ... we've got solutions. Sometimes a whole boat-load of 'em.

Best of luck.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

marieJa said:


> he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.


You couldn't just walk away could you?

Had to get that parting shot.

Sweetie you have no idea. Where do you think these men here came from? You think your beloved husband is DIFFERENT than all the men here? 

Really?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

marieJa said:


> To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.


I've never been happier to be a horrible example! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

marieJa said:


> To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.


How old are you marieJa?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> How old are you marieJa?


She's 25.


----------



## MominMayberry (Mar 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You couldn't just walk away could you?
> 
> Had to get that parting shot.
> 
> ...


Walk away? This is HER post. Most called her selfish and terrible. She came for help and got skinned. She got ill from the insults and many should say sorry for the words they said. She wants to change and has said that. Yes her husband is different than most here. She has sex with him nearly all week. She needs to tell him what she thinks so they can work out what is going on. He cant change what he doesnt know.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> You couldn't just walk away could you?
> 
> Had to get that parting shot.
> 
> ...


Oh really 

That's not a parting shot, it the truth. You don't like to hear it and that's too bad. She said what she said and she is right. The result of her posting here has been positive. She got many supportive post and suggestions. 

She did not get a a bunch of people telling her she is abnormal and that is key. She is not abnormal and neither is her husband. What she has is a very common dynamic. If it is handled correctly at this early point in the marriage, things will go relatively smoothly. 

Being told that her husbands needs are paramount and that he will cheat or divorce her is not convincing or helpful or even thrustful. It is an attempt to coerce and wishful thinking. She should be punished because she does not want sex 5 times a week? 

She can expect her libido to ramp up in time. She needs to know that so that she can whether this period as temporary. This is exactly why we need more LD woman posting. We all learn something. 

M - Why do you feel that you have earned some superior standing that gives you the right to decide who says what? You see her as some kind of underling that should walk away like a child and say nothing in return. Really? Why because you are righteous? Says who? 

Actually, your nastiness and condescension help's in ways that I am certain you cannot see. You should feel very fortunate to have a man like your husband Marie. 

Supercilious, reactionary and angry is not an attractive combination in a man. Probably not recognized by him as a problem in his relationship. 

Reading some of the hard, holier than thou, man's burden is woman type reactionary post to woman like Marie makes me appreciate my husband too. It also makes me wonder if their attitude is the reason their wives don't like to be touched by them. 

I am glad you posted Marie and I know things will get better in your marriage. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you or your husband. 

When you start to think in terms of who is normal and whose needs are superior, then go to therapy. As long as you stay flexible and certain that you are both OK then you have a chance to resolve conflicts and differences. 

The good news is that sex will get better for you both in the future as you get older. 

The very best of luck.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine,

It's likely in about 10 years of once-a-month (or less), marieJa will find some thoughtless aggressive alpha she DOES desire.

By then, she'll have rationalized that her husband doesn't really want her anyway, as she's taught him to do without.

Does such a scenario really seem that far-fetched based on what we've all read here day after day?


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.
> 
> I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.
> 
> ...


I think you both should go to therapy together, not just you. There are undoubtedly things your husband can/should do to help you two enjoy your sex life together more. In the end that's what this whole discussion is about.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

marieJa said:


> To be clear, NOT appreciating him in the way that I will just give it to him as many times as his sex drive needs... In the sense that he is much more thoughtful and heartful than many guys here.


Maybe he is more heartful than many people here, but that doesn't change the fact that he is married to someone who is not being honest with him. Do you really think he would feel the same for you if you told him the things you said on this thread? Granted, neither of you probably knew that you two would find yourself in this situation when you married, but I'm not sure that I agree with your assertion that it is normal. In fact, you hear very little about people claiming to only desire sex one day a month when they are single, and looking for a relationship. The biggest challenge, which others are trying to point out, is that if you choose to be honest with your husband, it is very unlikely that he will be able to accept that it is just a low drive issue. Again, very few people pursue a new relationship with the claim of having a very low drive, so he is unlikely to have a reference point that will help him accept this. Far more likely that he'll punish himself over the fear that the problem is him.

Yes, it is your body and your sex drive, but it sounds like you are trying to pretend to be something different, for him. I think it is shortsighted of the other posters who see him as some sort of selfish ogre, unless he pursues it after you tell him what is acceptable to you.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> Actually, she says "3-5 times a week", plus there's likely a week of "no-go" with that time of the month. That's more like (average of 4 times per week * 3 weeks) = 12 times a month...
> 
> And most people aren't up in arms about that frequency. Heck, many of us would have loved that frequency in our relationships. It's the unilateral cutting back to what she wants, which is once a month. As an FYI, I was ok with once a week in my marriage, manually supplemented. When it started slipping to once a month or less, that was one of a number of dealbreakers. Of course, I was 43 at the time... Not sure how I would have responded at once a week at 20 something.
> 
> ...


3-5X/wk is 20X's/mth. Sthat is pretty simple math and you are now changing the #'s. 

Also the analogy I think was lousy and said so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I give up and will post no longer on this thread. While I defended MarieJa against people's posts that I found offensive and not at all helpful, it is obvious MarieJa is too immature to understand and process what people are saying and has no interest to improve her view of sexuality and sex.

SHe just defends her husband and will you are right devastate him if he is as sensitive and great a guy as she states when she tells him that she is turned off 19 of 20 times each month.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> 3-5X/wk is 20X's/mth. Sthat is pretty simple math and you are now changing the #'s.
> 
> Also the analogy I think was lousy and said so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I trust my math is a lot more correct than yours is...

C


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

PBear said:


> I trust my math is a lot more correct than yours is...
> 
> C


Yes 3-5X's/wk..... 3X's/wk = 12.85X's/mth (based on 30 days/mth) 5X's/wk = 21.43X's/mth..... 

She said nothing about that "no go" week that many aren't bothered by..... In any case it is moot...... 

Can we agree that is a lot more then the 1X/mth she wants???? In any case I'm no longer posting as I don't think MarieJa really understands it at all.....


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> That's not a parting shot, it the truth.


To her yes it is the truth as she sees it. I'd be willing to bet her husband disagrees.

He's going to be heartbroken when he finds out she hates sex. I guarantee it. He won't be as "thoughtful" and as "heartful" about it as she thinks he'll be.

He'll feel duped and shattered. Go read that other guys post that just joined us whose wife feels the same way as this girl. He's devastated to find out his wife feels the same as this woman does. And he let her read this thread.

It CRUSHED him. There was no 'thoughtful' part in that conversation.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Catherine,
> 
> It's likely in about 10 years of once-a-month (or less), marieJa will find some thoughtless aggressive alpha she DOES desire.
> 
> ...


Conrad
I don't think anyone, not even Marie, said that once a month is a fair compromise. I think there were a few suggestions, mine included, for 3 times a week with adjustments as needed. 

She never said that she wants to have sex once a month, she said she has desire one week before ovulation. I am guessing that she could have sex every night during that week. 

The 3 weeks she is off, are the ones they can both compromise. I am LD married to HD man and 4 times a week is good for both of us. That is the basis of my suggestion of 3 times a week. 

I think there was something missed here. She came here asking for help. She asked not once but several times. How can she satisfy her husbands need to bond with her with sex without building resentment for the times she did not want to have sex. To me, that is a sign of a healthy loving woman. 

To endure a barrage of hostility for asking a question is ridiculous. Moreover, to expect her to put up with the unwarranted hostility of posters with many more problems than she, is an affront. 

Why is there so much hostility towards LD women who come looking for answers? There is no reason for it. Yes I know, they are reminded of their spouses. Sorry, that is no reason to direct their rage towards someone who did nothing to them. It is self serving 

The advice should not be adversarial man Vs, woman as is usually the case. I think Marie was right with her reaction to some of the negative post. 

She came to this forum expecting mature experienced men and women to give her advice. It is a shame that she had to wade through useless trash to get to the good. 

Lecturing her about the needs of men, or promising dire consequences does absolutely nothing to answer her question. In fact she reacted just as negatively back, as she should. 

I think there were many really good posts here. They were fair and equitable to both her and her husband. The default position that she is wrong was not supported in the majority of the post. Communication and compromise was the major message.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> To her yes it is the truth as she sees it. I'd be willing to bet her husband disagrees.
> 
> He's going to be heartbroken when he finds out she hates sex. I guarantee it. He won't be as "thoughtful" and as "heartful" about it as she thinks he'll be.
> 
> ...


You are kidding right? Where do you get all of this?? Are we reading the same thread. 

You think that the fact that she wants to have less sex than he wants that he will be crushed, shattered and feel duped? 

Not if he is a mature and mentally healthy man. It is common to have mismatched sex drives and others differences. The men and women who are healthy, negotiate this reality like all of the other realities of blended lives. 

Melodramatic types are less able to see anything but their desires and may feel crushed because their partner wants anything that is not what they want.

In that case, there may be more than one person in the relationship who feels duped. The wife may wonder if she married a man or a boy.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Catherine we can agree to disagree. I don't want to argue with you. This woman is nothing like you. She doesn't like sex. Her words were she feels it's her body and she's being violated. She's been harboring resentment for a year now over it.

Then she comes back and says her husband is more thoughtful than the men here? 

Yes I could have said it nicer but I happen to think the men here are great and I took offense to that comment. It made me mad so yes I defended them.

If it weren't for the men here I'd likely be divorced now. I'm grateful to TAM and the men here for their insight. 

PS I used to have another user name - I've been here for over a year. We've chatted before actually. 

Agree to disagree. Okay?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Yes 3-5X's/wk..... 3X's/wk = 12.85X's/mth (based on 30 days/mth) 5X's/wk = 21.43X's/mth.....
> 
> She said nothing about that "no go" week that many aren't bothered by..... In any case it is moot......
> 
> Can we agree that is a lot more then the 1X/mth she wants???? In any case I'm no longer posting as I don't think MarieJa really understands it at all.....


We know you're not posting


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marieJa said:


> I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.


 I can't stress enough how delicate this is, given the way you describe your husband.....although I do feel couples need to be honest with each other....heartfelt deep understanding vulnerable communication is everything...in a happy marraige. 

Just be prepared to pick his heart up off the floor when he feels the weight of this...the meaning......he may even hate himself , feeling he has been hurting you all of these years, he will cringe inside and likely remember this moment , playing it over & over & over in his mind... dividing what IS ...from what he thought it WAS.... it is that profound of a thing. This is a dark cloud to overcome. 



> I'm sure my great husband will understand me and we will reach a compromise. I am crazy about him... I know what sex means to him, and I want to make him happy by all means. But I know he can't be happy if I'm not happy, and if having sex too often makes me unhappy, he will not do that. And no I don't expect to have sex only once a month - I said COMPROMISE! Come on, we love each other!


 I believe he will understand, but he is still going to hurt . Be reassuring of your love for him like never before in your marraige. 

Some Compromises:

*1. *He needs to let your orgasms "go" , as much as he wants to please you, he has to overcome this & just allow you to please him... willingly .... joyfully ....because you love him ....that's it..accept the pleasure you give. (this is a hard one for my husband..even today he struggles with feeling selfish If I am not getting mine. Just something deep within. Your husband will have to work on his "mindset" in this. Just as you need to overcome, he will too ... in this area. 

Some of us connect desire with Love, maybe it isn't that healthy, I am not even sure where the dividing line is, I know I connect it myself. And I am sure your husband does now.. to some degree. 


*2. *Does he masterbate ? if not, he will want to do this more often to give you some nights off -or mornings ....maybe in the shower... what about some porn, you allow this -against it ? Maybe you feel the question is outrageous . If against this...maybe, you could make some videos of yourselves he can watch. 

*3. *Some sessions can be....quickies.... BJ's.... hand jobs.... so much variety you can do sexually. It doesn't have to be all intercourse. So many good books our there for ideas. This one covers everything but intercourse >> Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse : Marty Klein : Books

*4. *Here is a book that touches on many areas of Sex Therapy, I caused my husband some performance pressure & we did "sensate focus" exercises to get him back.. we didn't need a sex therapist...I learned it all in this book... it worked too. Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems : Barbara Keesling Ph.D.: Books


*5. *These might help with ...Rekindling Desire:

The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion : Gina Ogden: Books

Rekindling Desire: A Step by Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages :Barry W. McCarthy, Emily J. McCarthy: Books

 Reclaiming Desire: 4 Keys to Finding Your Lost Libido : Andrew Goldstein, Marianne Brandon: Books



> I very well understand the point of view of many that it is surely ME who has to go to the therapy (I don't mean that my H should go, he's normal. I am too, even though I want less sex than SOME people). Should I see a professional? Hmm... If we really can't reach a compromise ourselves.
> 
> Listen, I don't think my drive is SO abnormal. Isn't it obvious that many people on this very thread have wives with similar drives? Accept it or not, but this happens.


 There is a Huge difference between *LUST *(that URGING raging drive -"got to have you now" erection /dripping wet passion... and the swimming in the "*Emotional Connection of Making love*". 

My husband is a lower test man, at age 45 -I learned his Test levels was those "average" for men in thier 60's.. hearing this through me into a tail spin, I felt ..."I'm screwed now he lost all his desire for me, he is all washed up " .... I would really get upset over this... what saved us... THE EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

I did a thread on this... It started out as a little fight ....and our talk led into this great analogy I wanted to share on this forum... it changed my MINDSET in this area... and now I don't care all that much about his 'lust" / his drive.. it is about so much more. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html

.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Conrad
> I don't think anyone, not even Marie, said that once a month is a fair compromise. I think there were a few suggestions, mine included, for 3 times a week with adjustments as needed.
> 
> She never said that she wants to have sex once a month, she said she has desire one week before ovulation. I am guessing that she could have sex every night during that week.
> ...


Conrad I'm no longer posting and trying to defend or offer help, encouragement or advise for MarieJa's, but I had to highlight the above and say again I am incredulous that there are women like Catherine602 who actually are convinced they are LD and still have sex 4X/wk with their spouse to make them happy. Sorry that is beyond selfless.

That is why I started the other thread as I am shocked at how many women are willing to compromise their idea of a normal sex life (i.e. they are LD) and have a very active sex life 4X's/wk, and are telling MarieJa to suck it up and do it 3X/wk and heck if he wave a d*&k near her, to give him a bj while their at it......

Heck no woman told MarieJa that she is right to feel as she does and cut her spouse off.


All I can say is wow........


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> 3-5X/wk is 20X's/mth. Sthat is pretty simple math and you are now changing the #'s.
> 
> Also the analogy I think was lousy and said so.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Come on. Lets not count beans. I think when you start doing math to calculate percentages something gets lost. This is supposed to be about shared intimacy between two human beings. 

They could have sex a certain # of times one week and the different # of times the next. It is not the numbers it is the attitude of love and acceptance and the desire to take care of each other. 

It doesn't matter what the math says it what each of them feels and what adjustments can be made so that they are happy that their partner is happy.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> She never said that she wants to have sex once a month, she said she has desire one week before ovulation. I am guessing that she could have sex every night during that week.


Actually, she says exactly that in her first post. Her second sentence is:

"I feel the need for sex once in a month"

Her last sentence is:

"Continue having chore-like sex (so that he gets what he wants), or have it once a month (so that I get what I want)?"

Just saying... Not sure why we're still arguing, as it seemed like she had a reasonable path.

C


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> She never said that she wants to have sex once a month,...


Actually she did say that fairly early on and the thought is even subsumed in the thread title itself: "_I want sex once a month - why should I have it more often?_" 

As I sense you realize though, she is conflicted on this and the contradictions during the course of the thread shouldn't be held against her.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Conrad I'm no longer posting and trying to defend or offer help, encouragement or advise for MarieJa's, but I had to highlight the above and say again I am incredulous that there are women like you who actually are convinced you are LD and still have sex 4X/wk with your spouse to make them happy. Sorry that is beyond selfless.
> 
> That is why I started the other thread as I am shocked at how many women in particular are willing to compromise their idea of a norm sex life (i.e. LD) and have a very active sex life 4X's/wk, are telling MarieJa to suck it up and do it 3X/wk and heck if he wave a d87k near her, to give him a bj while their at it......
> 
> All I can say is wow........


If a person in a marriage does not want to make reasonable compromises to keep the marriage healthy then why is he/she married? Stay single. Why is the the sole responsibility for a HD spouse to compromise to the ideas and ideals of the LD spouse? Catherine and her husband have reached an accommodation that works for them. What is the problem? In the OPs case they were having sex 3-5x a week before the marriage. Now that they are married she wants to reduce the frequency to 1x a month (yes Catherine she did say that). I agree with you that they both need counseling to resolve this issue because ultimately they both have to make sacrifices for the good of the marriage. But in the OP's situation she wants to change the status quo even though she established that level of sexual frequency early in their relationship. So I ask again. Why is it that the HD should be the one to defer to the LD spouse?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Marie came across as a loving, caring spouse who was in a tough spot and asked formour collective help. 

Forget what she "said", what she is currently doing is very giving and very selfless. She heard way too many "you are selfish, you need to suck it up" type posts.

I was appalled. I live with an LD partner. It IS hard for them. And no, there are no free passes in my house. There is no "golden ticket, no ooompa loompas", but there is a recognition of differences, real physiological differences. I could have more sex if I really wanted to. A bit more flirting, a little more pressure. She could have less sex if she tried harder, a light touch on the protector circuitry here, a mild "shut down" vibe there. 

Two people, both highly equipped to bend the other to their will. Both trying to put the other first when in doubt of what to do. 

This adversarial posture taken towards Marie is exactly the opposite of what she needed. 

Could you really not hear the anguish in her posts? 

UOTE=Catherine602;682001]Conrad
I don't think anyone, not even Marie, said that once a month is a fair compromise. I think there were a few suggestions, mine included, for 3 times a week with adjustments as needed. 

She never said that she wants to have sex once a month, she said she has desire one week before ovulation. I am guessing that she could have sex every night during that week. 

The 3 weeks she is off, are the ones they can both compromise. I am LD married to HD man and 4 times a week is good for both of us. That is the basis of my suggestion of 3 times a week. 

I think there was something missed here. She came here asking for help. She asked not once but several times. How can she satisfy her husbands need to bond with her with sex without building resentment for the times she did not want to have sex. To me, that is a sign of a healthy loving woman. 

To endure a barrage of hostility for asking a question is ridiculous. Moreover, to expect her to put up with the unwarranted hostility of posters with many more problems than she, is an affront. 

Why is there so much hostility towards LD women who come looking for answers? There is no reason for it. Yes I know, they are reminded of their spouses. Sorry, that is no reason to direct their rage towards someone who did nothing to them. It is self serving 

The advice should not be adversarial man Vs, woman as is usually the case. I think Marie was right with her reaction to some of the negative post. 

She came to this forum expecting mature experienced men and women to give her advice. It is a shame that she had to wade through useless trash to get to the good. 

Lecturing her about the needs of men, or promising dire consequences does absolutely nothing to answer her question. In fact she reacted just as negatively back, as she should. 

I think there were many really good posts here. They were fair and equitable to both her and her husband. The default position that she is wrong was not supported in the majority of the post. Communication and compromise was the major message.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Could you really not hear the anguish in her posts?



Honestly...no. I heard a lot of justification for her position. I heard a lot of grandiose grandstanding. I heard a lot of defensiveness. And yes I heard a lot of selfishness. I'm just being honest.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Conrad I'm no longer posting and trying to defend or offer help, encouragement or advise for MarieJa's, but I had to highlight the above and say again I am incredulous that there are women like Catherine602 who actually are convinced they are LD and still have sex 4X/wk with their spouse to make them happy. Sorry that is beyond selfless.
> 
> That is why I started the other thread as I am shocked at how many women are willing to compromise their idea of a normal sex life (i.e. they are LD) and have a very active sex life 4X's/wk, and are telling MarieJa to suck it up and do it 3X/wk and heck if he wave a d*&k near her, to give him a bj while their at it......
> 
> ...


I am LD. Do you know what that really means? I don't think of sex as often has a HD person does. But, when I get started we are both equal. That's where I think we get it wrong. It is a misunderstanding of the differences between male and female sexuality. 

The thought of sex does not come spontaneously to my mind most of the time. I need to be relaxed and make my self think about sex before I feel desire, leading to arousal. IT'S NORMAL FOR MANY WOMEN.

I shout that out because people who think that women should have spontaneous desire and arousal like men, are wrong. Some of us do, many don't. 

The frequency does not really matter's to me because my husband would not be satisfied with 1 or 2 times a week. I care how he feels because he makes me the center of his life as I do him. I would be OK most weeks with 1 - 2 time. Having sex more than 1X a week requires that I get warmed up and then my husband and I are equally into it.

That what I think many LD women don't understand and men don't understand. It is not that we don't want sex (with the exceptions of asexual people) it is that we don't have spontaneous sexual desire. The solution is to work out with your partner what it takes to get you where he is. 

Again, I think this post is unhelpful because it pits men against women and women against men. If you think this way, how will you ever be calm and kind enough to work out solutions?

I think men and women are perfectly matched. Even LD women are a perfect match. I have learned a lot from my husband's enthusiastic, fun and loving attitude about sex. 

Many women are shamed for having sexual desire in this culture and that shame carry's over into marriage. Having a husband who likes women and does not protest my femaleness is a blessing. 

If he were rigid angry and thought that male sexuality was the model of human sexuality we would not be where we are today. I think many of the problems between LD women and HD men stems from this basic misunderstanding. 

My husband likes a challenge so we are a good team. I admire and emulate his sense of adventure and the ease with which he gets into his sexuality. I appreciate that he needs to exert control and wait for me and that's why I feel no resentment fro having to get my mind in the right place. 

Also, that is why I like to give him bj so he can relax and enjoy without having to hold back. He has never been mean, demanding or angry with me around sex. I really don't know how he does it after reading some of the post from men on this forum. 

I know from reading some of the post on this site that I am very lucky. The positive effect of reading post from hostile men has done a lot for my marriage in a good way.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Catherine,

There's a reason why he isn't hostile.

Any sentient being can see that reason in your post.

I remember being told the one I love would be satisfied with 2x/month. I was crushed. I started paying attention to any small grimace. I started looking at her face to see if things were ok. It goes without saying, I started getting ED problems.

I don't think women realize this.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Beowulf said:


> Honestly...no. I heard a lot of justification for her position. I heard a lot of grandiose grandstanding. I heard a lot of defensiveness. And yes I heard a lot of selfishness. I'm just being honest.


Yea it matched very well the grandstanding, grandiosity and defensiveness of the some of posts on her thread. What did you expect her to do, say "yes sir you are right sir' 

She has some spark, some respect for herself and she does not back down. That is not palatable for some men. But that won't stop women who are outspoken from saying what they want to say. 

If it does not meet with the approval of the audience say so. Don't attack the speaker.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Catherine,
> 
> There's a reason why he isn't hostile.
> 
> ...


Conrad I think you are right that's why we really need to have these frank discussions. 

I admit that I knew next to nothing about the real male sexuality when I first married. When I was very young, I thought that no matter what you said, it would not hurt a man's desire for sex. I know it is not true now. I did not pull that out of the air. It is a common belief. 

I think many women don't understand male sexuality. Many think that it is always robust. It is, under the right conditions. But in many ways, it is more fragile than a woman sexuality. 

It is very easy to destroy a man's self confidence with the wrong attitude. We know that a woman's self confidence is fragile but I don't think that we appreciate the same of men.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Catherine602..... Use LD in the right context please. Men here see LD and that to them (certainly me) means she does not WANT or DESIRE sex often at all...... You think it means not thinking about it..... That also does not mean getting her in the mood and she will go along with it and enjoy it. It means, she does not want you pestering her about it and continually trying to seduce her and "bothering her" about it leading to eventual resentment and dislike.

You just don't search it out, but are open to it. Big Difference.

The OP wants it 1X/mth........ What about the OP and title and all that she has written made you think she really wants to compromise 3X/wk as you have suggested??????


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then stay single. Seriously. This argument is going nowhere.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Yea it matched very well the grandstanding, grandiosity and defensiveness of the some of posts on her thread. What did you expect her to do, say "yes sir you are right sir'
> 
> She has some spark, some respect for herself and she does not back down. That is not palatable for some men. But that won't stop women who are outspoken from saying what they want to say.
> 
> If it does not meet with the approval of the audience say so. Don't attack the speaker.


No I expect her to listen to differing opinions and try to learn. Not dismiss every post that did not fit her agenda.

Spunk yes. Morrigan has spunk but she is also reasonable and willing to listen to other points of view with the idea that she could possibly be wrong. Some posters were a little harsh, I agree. But when it is explained to her how important sex is to a man and her reaction is simply "no, I don't believe that" what are people to make of her attitude? When people are trying to give her suggestions on how to compromise so that her marriage will not suffer and her response is "whenever I have sex unless its that 1x/month I feel violated" how should we perceive her? When it was suggested that she try erotic novels or other ways to stimulate her sex drive and she responded "yes I got aroused and I also got annoyed" and then it was suggested she needs to see a counselor because she shouldn't be annoyed at arousal she got defensive how are posters to interpret that response?

Catherine, I consider you one of the best providers of advice on TAM and you have loads of spunk. But the OP was not demonstrating spunk. She was demonstrating stubbornness.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Catherine602..... Use LD in the right context please. Men here see LD and that to them (certainly me) means she does not WANT or DESIRE sex often at all...... You think it means not thinking about it..... That also does not mean getting her in the mood and she will go along with it and enjoy it. It means, she does not want you pestering her about it and continually trying to seduce her and "bothering her" about it leading to eventual resentment and dislike.
> 
> You just don't search it out, but are open to it. Big Difference.
> 
> The OP wants it 1X/mth........ What about the OP and title and all that she has written made you think she really wants to compromise 3X/wk as you have suggested??????


I think this is correct. She didn't seem open to compromise.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ok, this will be long...

When I was single/committed in relationships, I always knew I was a HD person. I would fall for people and 99% of them were LD. 

I didn't even KNOW that HD and LD existed at that time, i was just called a 'freak' or a man in a woman's body, or something was WRONG with me...because my mates were all LD.

My ex is LD...I see that now. Whether it was because of our crappy relationship, or what, I don't know or care. He would need sex maybe 2 times a month and the rest of the time, I would beg, plead, cry, yell, ignore him for sex. Then it was quick, emotionless and rude...I would often ask him to leave a 20 by the bed when he'd jump up to go back to his computer.

It sucked.

So, i remember sitting on my bed crying after being turned down---again-- and thinking, this can NOT be my life. I was 25. Screw that. Why should I live my life that way? He wasn't going to compromise and if he DID compromise, it was out of spite. hell no. If he didn't want sex, fine. But i did.

I left him and was single for 7 years. NEVER finding my sexually compatible mate. I just thought maybe something WAS wrong with me.

I started hating sex. I hated thinking about it, wanting it...it was pointless. I dated a man for 3 years who didn't want sex. I was constantly told to "chill out" when I made advances.

So I broke up with him. I wasn't going to live my life with someone who thought I was a freak. Why should I have to live my life in a way that I don't want to. I didn't want to fight for sex....hell, I could get more being single!

So...2007 began my quest for MY perfect man. :lol: No joke. I dated many men, slept with 2. Within the first 2 dates, sexuality was a topic of discussion and I would gage how they talked about sex, etc. We were in our 30s! If you don't know yourself by then, then you're not the one for me.

Also, it was easy to weed out the LDers. There are more men that I realized. Sexuality is not something I'm ashamed of and I didn't want my mate to be ashamed either. It is possible to have very frank conversations about sex and sexuality.

2007 was closing quickly. :rofl: I met Hubs in December 2007. Date 2 was the sex talk. It was a very casual talk about what we expected, why we sleep with people, how often we like it (just like the other convos) and Hubs and i were point for point the same. 

We didn't sleep together that night. nope. But I was satisfied that we'd be compatible at least in the amount we both desired in a relationship.

My point is, if you aren't a sexual person, DO NOT even pretend to be a sexual person while dating. Don't do that to a HD person. If you're LD, seek out LD people. That means talking about sex. OH THE HORROR!  Grow up and talk about sex. Get your perfect match and go from there.

I refused to fight about sex or money and Hubs and I fight about neither of those things. Why? because of some very important conversations before things got serious.

If you're LD or HD, and know it, then make it a point to seek out like attitudes. otherwise, you're in for a world of hurt. Guaranteed.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I still want to know if marieJa and her husband spoke about this before she married him.

If not, how long has she "known" this about their relationship?

I think those are "fulcrum" datapoints.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Some people really just don't want to accept the plain unvarnished truth when they hear it.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> The thought of sex does not come spontaneously to my mind most of the time. I need to be relaxed and make my self think about sex before I feel desire, leading to arousal. IT'S NORMAL FOR MANY WOMEN.
> 
> I shout that out because people who think that women should have spontaneous desire and arousal like men, are wrong. Some of us do, many don't.
> 
> ...


I think this is spot on for many women (and one reason why my wife refers to women as fire and men as firefighters). But I do think it highlights an issue that marie had - even when physically aroused, she mentally wanted to avoiding sex. I do think a frank discussion with her husband, as well as some counseling to understand this reaction, would be very beneficial to her and her husband.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

MominMayberry said:


> Walk away? This is HER post. Most called her selfish and terrible. She came for help and got skinned. She got ill from the insults and many should say sorry for the words they said. She wants to change and has said that. Yes her husband is different than most here. She has sex with him nearly all week. She needs to tell him what she thinks so they can work out what is going on. He cant change what he doesnt know.


I will disagree with this a bit. She did get some very negative posts. She also got a lot of constructive posts. I stand by mine. Many people (men included) genuinely trying to help her understand where her husband may be coming from and how changing this may change her relationship. 

I do admit to be frustrated as she seemed to lock onto those posts that allowed her to take insult, tar some men, and then go do what she wanted. I think in the end she did not do that, but rather really thought about the advice and seems to have a good plan in place. With that, her parting "shot/fact" was disappointing. I do hope she comes to a workable solution.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> With that, her parting "shot/fact" was disappointing.


Last night thinking about this thread I reminded myself that she's 25. Many of us here are twice her age. Of course she would think her husband is 'different'. Many of us thought that too at one point or another about our spouses. Then we grew up and realized there are life truths and either you can face them or you can stick your head in the sand. Your choice.

I hope for her sake that she works towards a workable solution before it's too late.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Last night thinking about this thread I reminded myself that she's 25. Many of us here are twice her age. Of course she would think her husband is 'different'. Many of us thought that too at one point or another about our spouses. Then we grew up and realized there are life truths and either you can face them or you can stick your head in the sand. Your choice.
> 
> I hope for her sake that she works towards a workable solution before it's too late.


Yep that was my thought as well. It's one thing if she and her husband are in their 60s and it's possible that his drive may be waning soon anyway (still an issue perhaps), but it's quite another at 25. That poor man is looking forward to likely another 50 or so years of at most 1x/month (assuming it may even drop from there at some point). For a HD partner that's just too much, he will become bitter. That was my point to her all along.

I know some folks here think we were attacking, perhaps I was considered one of those on the offensive. I think painting a picture of how things are almost assured to play out from someone so young doing something this radical is appropriate. Not letting her know what's down the road and having her discover for herself the trouble that awaits her 10-15 years down this road would be far more caustic than warning her now.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Wow, has this thread exploded...

OK, I will bite. I was one of the ones that was pretty hard on her but I am living it. I am sure some of my own frustrations crept in but I am trying to convey the seriousness of it.

Actually the fact that she has this issue at 25 is more of a concern in my eyes. She "might" come in to a bit of an awakening in a few years but at the same time kids/work/finances/life tend to get in the way and if it is already this way, I don't see it improving. (Hope I am wrong).

As I have mentioned before one of 2 things will likely happen:

1. She keeps on "acting" (her words) and resentment continues to grow.
2. She finally gets the frequency down to where she wants it and he feels undesired and resentment grows on his side.

I am sure that when she talks to him, he is going to say: "Sorry honey I didn't know you weren't happy, I am fine with x times per month". And that might work for some period of time. But the mere fact that she has been "pretending" all this time is a big issue. He is sitting there thinking he is the man getting it 3-5x/wk and she is going to tell him she wants once a month. Whether he verbalizes it or not, it is going to be crushing...

Catherine602,

I appreciate your insight but then how do I get her to tell me what can help get her running? So far, I get nothing. If it is the right day and the kids are occupied and the stars are aligned and she doesn't have anything on the DVR and no one is on FaceBook, I get a "OK I guess we can" type of response..

Honestly (and this is a little bit to Havesomethingtosay's point). I would likely be content (not happy) with once a week if I felt I was actually desired.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.

It feels awful."

Sorry but you "low drive" people have no idea how it feels to have your body and person be put off and rejected by the one you love unconditionally. 

It not only feels awful but also causes quite a deal of self-loathing and doubt.

And by the way, chore sex isn't much better after a while unless you're a good actress.

Do yourself and your husband a favor and talk about this. If you can't uphold your part of the marriage contract, offer to set him free and the two of you can find mates more closely matched to your drives


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I must say I have gotten some good ideas from all the response.
> 
> I have decided to bring this whole issue up with my husband (he is on a long travel now, but when he gets back). I will try to be delicate, though, as all this time I've not told him how I really feel because I'm afraid of hurting him.
> 
> ...


MarieJa,

I think you should stop thinking about sex and start thinking more about what it means to be a wife or a husband in a marriage. The truly happiest marriages and truly happiest people contain the concept of giving and taking.

In other words, a wife GIVES to her husband what he needs to the level that he needs it, and a husband does the same back to his wife. Both partners give to a very high level, but but partners receive to a very high level.

You get a deep satisfaction and fulfillment two ways which create a marriage and life that so very few ever attain:
1. as a wife by taking on the idea that you as your man's wife will strive to make his life awesome because you are a part of it, this is a very purposeful and satisfying way to live.
2.Your husband will strive to meet your needs at a very high level and this makes your life very satisfying and happy.

In contrast, the concept of compromise as you are suggesting denies you of that feeling of giving 100% to your marriage, and denies your husband having his needs met to a level that makes him feel truly motivated to be a phenomenal husband, and thus starts the downward spiral of your marriage.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think this is spot on for many women (and one reason why my wife refers to women as fire and men as firefighters). But I do think it highlights an issue that marie had - even when physically aroused, she mentally wanted to avoiding sex. I do think a frank discussion with her husband, as well as some counseling to understand this reaction, would be very beneficial to her and her husband.


Pressing the "like" button on this one is insufficient.

This is spot on.

EVEN when climbing "O" Hill, she's still hating it.

I still want to know IF she knew this prior to marrying him. How I would assess this situation depends totally on that answer.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Pressing the "like" button on this one is insufficient.
> 
> This is spot on.
> 
> ...


Well, if she knew she sure didn't tell her husband or let on that there was an issue. They were having sex 3-5x before they got married. To try to change things now seems very disingenuous.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Sorry if I offended anyone by saying my opinions out loud. Yes, I'm young, in love, and probably naïve! Why would I choose to be pessimistic about our marriage??

So, someone wanted more information about me, concerning a case for which nothing can be done now as we are already married. How does that help anyone? 

Anyway, I'm touched by the concern (and sure that the answer will be constructive rather than judging), so here comes:

We did address the problem before marriage, although we were a bit too optimistic about it. He probably thought that I will eventually want more sex, and I thought that I will never resent giving my body to him all the time, as I didn't that time.

Then, of course, we couldn't not marry. You know why? Because life happens right now, and we are soulmates for each other. IF we come to regret it and we fail (even though we really try to prevent it; I'm already looking for solutions!) - well, life goes on.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How did you address the problem? The reason I ask this is because you say he "probably thought".

It would be best if you know what he actually thinks.

This may seem like a cross examination, but it's difficult to understate the importance of this to your shared future.

You must deal in reality.

If you kick this problem "down the road", it will only become larger - and the pain associated with it will be exponentially worse.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Hmm... I'm not sure I get your point. I suppose you mean that we should communicate more concerning this specific issue, and I certainly agree.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

marieJa said:


> Hmm... I'm not sure I get your point. I suppose you mean that we should communicate more concerning this specific issue, and I certainly agree.


When you tell me he "probably thought" something, you are in the weeds. You don't really know what he thinks.

That's why the alarm bells are ringing for so many people here.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, when my wife let me know 2x/month was "enough" for her, it destroyed my confidence to the point where I had difficulty performing.

The idea that your "soul mate" isn't into the physical act of lovemaking is devastating for a man. So, I implore you, do not go on what he "probably thought"

No one here would recommend that you risk building resentment to the levels you're describing. But, it's vitally important you know what you are dealing with - and how this is truly psychological dynamite to a man.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Sorry if I offended anyone by saying my opinions out loud. Yes, I'm young, in love, and probably naïve! Why would I choose to be pessimistic about our marriage??
> 
> So, someone wanted more information about me, concerning a case for which nothing can be done now as we are already married. How does that help anyone?
> 
> ...


I applaud you for trying to find ways to address this problem. And if my words offended or hurt you in some way please understand that my wife and I have come to appreciate that complete honesty, sometimes brutal honesty, is important in a marriage. So I try to be polite but I generally do not mince words. The fact that this thread is so long and is still receiving comments should indicate to you that people are trying to help you. Maybe the solutions are not correct in your situation and maybe sometimes the posts are on the harsh side but its better than asking for help and being ignored.

You do need to understand that sex in a marriage is no more and no less important than other issues like financial support, affection, fidelity, attention, etc. Some of these issues are more important to you than others. Some are more important to your husband than others. What spouses need to do is identify what is important to them and acknowledged what is important to their partner. As long as both parties are doing their best to fulfill the needs of each other a successful fulfilling marriage is the result. When one party is unable or unwilling to fulfill the needs of their partner that is when the marriage breaks down. I applaud you in that you have thus far tried to fulfill your husband's need for sex but obviously it is causing you to build up resentment toward him. But the solution is not to stop fulfilling his need. Because that will just shift the resentment from you to him. The solution is to find a way to fulfill his need without you feeling resentment. That is why I ultimately suggested that you delicately speak to your husband and both of you seek counseling together. I really don't see any reasonable alternative.


----------



## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

I think it's sad how many people on here have called the op selfish for her feelings. She has tried to be a loving supportive wife to this point and anybody who sees that as selfish should really think about it for a second. She didn't come on here saying she was going to cut him off or she could care less about his needs. She came one here seeking awnsers, these awnsers can be given witout attacking her.

To the op, I believe you wanted to know why the LD spouse should "give in" and the HD spouse should not just be happy with once a month, am I correct?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think bait and switch is sad also!


----------



## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I think bait and switch is sad also!


What has she switched? I am pretty sure she indicated that she still has sex with him 3-5x a week. She came on here asking questions BEFORE she decided to switch anything. She spoke about her feelings, not her actions. I was under the impresion that your actions make you who you are, not your feelings.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

rundown said:


> What has she switched? I am pretty sure she indicated that she still has sex with him 3-5x a week. She came on here asking questions BEFORE she decided to switch anything. She spoke about her feelings, not her actions. I was under the impresion that your actions make you who you are, not your feelings.


I think the "bait and switch" is that the sex was at one level prior to marriage (bait) and throughout the marriage until now (leads him to assume this is how it will be)... now she wants to change it to 1x/month (the switch).


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Listen to everyone with a low sex drive it is not ok to ack like you like frequent sex and then get married and say .......I thought after we married it would settle down some. or I never really liked oral .... 


just out and out wrong. if you not interested in sex frequently make sure you let you man/woman know it before you you ruin their life.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The problem is they both swept this issue under the rug thinking love would conquor all. He assumed (incorrectly) that she'd GROW to love sex and she thought she could love him enough to not feel resentment. 

And now there are consequences to this decision on both sides.

Sad really.


----------



## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

marieJa said:


> We had sex in a similar fashion before marriage. We talked about this issue, and we thought that our drives would eventually get closer to each other.QUOTE]
> 
> Not sure what about this makes you think he was uninformed when they got married. In this case it was talked about before hand. Not sure where bait and switch comes into play here?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When I was 18 I moved in with my then boyfriend. That very night he <gasp> wanted to have sex and I thought stupidly we were just going to be more roommates than anything. I didn't enjoy sex with him and since we weren't married I felt free to turn him down as often as humanly possible. 

Ended up breaking up with him and finding someone I was more compatible with sexually (no that wasn't my goal it just happened that way).

And I've been a HD ever since. Had I stayed with him I would have thought I was LD too and guess what? I wasn't.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I really don't want to get into it but do you really think she sat him down and said: "I know we are doing it 3-5x/wk now but I really only want it once a month. Hopefully after we get married I will want it more"?

Call it whatever the heck you want. That would be like him saying: "Well I know I make millions now but I think I want to give it all away and work at McDonalds..."


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

rundown said:


> marieJa said:
> 
> 
> > We had sex in a similar fashion before marriage. We talked about this issue, and we thought that our drives would eventually get closer to each other.QUOTE]
> ...


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Conrad said:


> The issue is she's not into him.


Ding, ding, ding!!


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Marie,
A few things have really helped this area of my marriage. A very genuine recognition that there are different types of desire. For instance, my W kept patiently repeating the message below until I understood it:

I don't directly control the level of sexual desire I feel. If you tie your emotional state to the degree of lust I feel, you are signing up for a massive world of misery that is not necessary. Because I DO have a much greater degree of conscious control over my desire to "please YOU". Loosely speaking you can separate these into:
- Lust = the desire to be pleased
- Love = the desire to please you

If you cannot accept my love, freely given from my heart, unless accompanied by lust, you are dooming us both to tension, conflict and perhaps ultimately dissolution. 

As a man, you can't help but keep stats as if somehow this were a type of baseball game with one player on each team. 

Darling, this isn't baseball and I am not your opponent. The idea that unless you please "me", you have played badly is entirely valid. What you fail to understand is that pleasing me, and taking me to the rapture are absolutely not the same thing. As a man, I believe you when you tell me how frustrating it feels to be intensely aroused, but not finished. Why is it that you refuse to accept that as a woman, I often feel differently? Your touch, the love you envelope me with, the sound of your breathing, the way you hold me after, these things bring me happiness. 

As I accept that you are a man, and as a man are very different, I ask that you accept that I am a woman, and as a woman am very unlike you. This focus you have on my pleasure, while beautiful is misplaced. Instead of insisting that "what is important to you must be important to me", I need you to actually "ask me", what I want. 

I do need to warn you in advance. If you continue to insist that whenever we connect, either I reach the rapture, or the whole exercise is a disaster for your male ego, I see an increasingly bleak road ahead for us. 

As much as I love you, my patience is beginning to wear thin on this topic. If you truly need a "physiologically" equal partner I suggest you login to the "men seeking men" area on craigslist.....






marieJa said:


> Sorry if I offended anyone by saying my opinions out loud. Yes, I'm young, in love, and probably naïve! Why would I choose to be pessimistic about our marriage??
> 
> So, someone wanted more information about me, concerning a case for which nothing can be done now as we are already married. How does that help anyone?
> 
> ...


----------



## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Conrad said:


> rundown said:
> 
> 
> > It "could be" the part where she says their drives would "get closer" to each other - which clearly means his would settle down.
> ...


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Wow, has this thread exploded...
> 
> As I have mentioned before one of 2 things will likely happen:
> 
> ...


Frustrated - don't ask because she won't tell you. I am not sexually aggressive, initiation is extremely rare and usually subtle. I follow my husbands lead. My background - I went to Catholic school and had nuns, need I say more. 

Many women are like me. They would rather their husbands lead with confidence. I don't know if that makes sense. If my husband was shy and asked me, I don't know what I would do. 

Asking for sex is undignified in my mind. Maybe by asking, it puts the ball in her court, so to speak. Try not asking but just initiating. Asking just seems to child like to me. 

I am not saying force her but just act as if it is a part of married life like sleeping in the same bed, kissing and holding each other. 

Talk to her and tell her that's what you want to do from now on. It would probably be more productive if you didn't talk about sex as your need but both your need. Talk about taking the time to connect with each other. 

Ask her what is going on with her and tell her how you feel about the emotional distance. Be resolute but sweet and confident. Do you think you could make a time once a week to start with for sex?

Of course, it depends on her personality. If she fights you for dominance, it may not work. But even if she does you have to be more dominant that she is.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hold on. Why do people expect her to do a pirouette in a matter of one day??? 

She is taking everything in. Why is everyone so pessimistic? She hasn't said "I have seen the light and you are all right" but that does not mean that she is not thinking about the posts that don't insult her intelligence.

When someone starts out a discourse with - "this is what you need to understand....". You know what my mind does "the hell I do..." Using that tone seems to assume the speaker is all knowing. We are all speaking from a biased stance. 

Those who are speaking from the male point of view only, why do you expect her to give up her viewpoint? You are doing exactly what you accuse her of doing. 

Do you know what my reaction is to "men need frequent sex" many women don't. There's the end to the discussion. Follow that up with recrimination of selfishness, bait and switch, and dire predictions, and I'll say "up yours, we'll see" 

Marie is still here, right? Why? Just because she likes hearing insults and lectures? She is waiting for just the right wisdom from one of us that she can turn around in her mind and make sense of it. It has to make sense from an emotional core.

I am sorry "men need sex" is a given. The male point of view is no more correct than her point of view. That, I think, was her query. 

Why is the default the male need for sex and not the female need for sex? 

The answer is - it is not. It takes a blend of both their needs. If they approach their sex life as a team effort and not her doing something for him then it may work. They are doing for each other. 

A previous poster said it. He needs to feel loved and accepted and so does she. He should not feel any resentment towards her and neither should she towards him. 

They will have to blend their needs and be flexible. Making him right and her wrong has no merit because it is not true. Neither is making her right.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Frustrated - don't ask because she won't tell you. I am not sexually aggressive, initiation is extremely rare and usually subtle. I follow my husbands lead. My background - I went to Catholic school and had nuns, need I say more.
> 
> Many women are like me. They would rather their husbands lead with confidence. I don't know if that makes sense. If my husband was shy and asked me, I don't know what I would do.
> 
> ...


Catherine602,

I am not sure I understand you or maybe you misread my question. I never ask for sex. I do initiate, flirt with her, etc, etc. NOTHING gets her going. Not me, not other men, not even hot sexy actors, erotic stories, whatever. I'm at a total loss...


----------



## illcrx (Apr 17, 2012)

This issue is weighing on me as well, Im not sure if once a month is what my gf wants but its definitely not on par with my sex drive. 

I hate to say it, but you guys arent compatible, and I hate to say that because that means that Im not compatible with my gf. 

For a man sex IS intimacy, for a man sex is a lifelong pursuit and if the person your going to spend your life with doesnt want it then thats a ****ty life. 

The other option is that you get him a sex buddy! Ya thats it, just like you only watch the superbowl with him and he watches the weekly games with others interested in that activity you should get him someone that he can enjoy sex with then you can initiate it when you want! Problem solved! 

Oh, but that cant happen can it, so your stuck giving it up 3-5 times a week like you promised him. 

You can also try testosterone shots, that sometimes helps, look for a naturopath in your area.


----------



## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

There are so many pages on here that I apologise in advance if someone else has already recommended this book:
Its called "The Sex Diaries" by Australian sex therapist Bettina Arndt. It really sheds an amazing light on the differences between every man, woman and marriage when it comes to sex. 
She is a bit controversial as she says sometimes (not all the time) the lower libido'ed person needs to Nike it...ie "just do it" as generally you'll end up enjoying it.
The book is also good from the point of view that you are likely to find a story/example that is broadly similar to your own. You should be able to find the book on Amazon.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Those who are speaking from the male point of view only, why do you expect her to give up her viewpoint? You are doing exactly what you accuse her of doing.
> 
> Do you know what my reaction is to "men need frequent sex" many women don't. There's the end to the discussion. Follow that up with recrimination of selfishness, bait and switch, and dire predictions, and I'll say "up yours, we'll see"



Needs in relationships do seem to get defined by the person _in need._ I could go an entire evening with a bare minimum of conversation and be just as happy as a clam, but that wouldn't cut it with my wife. Conversation is _extremely _ important to her. And it would be a cold day in hell before she allowed me to define her need for conversation by my lack thereof or claim that my lack thereof was a need in its own rite.

This thread did kinda turn into a battle of the sexes, but it seems like the genders could easily have been reversed. There are several ladies on TAM who are sexually neglected by their husbands. Although they usually express themselves more in terms of heartbreak than rage, they don't seem any happier about it than their male counterparts here.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> A previous poster said it. He needs to feel loved and accepted and so does she. He should not feel any resentment towards her and neither should she towards him.


This is the ideal. Both parties need to work and be flexible.



> They will have to blend their needs and be flexible. Making him right and her wrong has no merit because it is not true. Neither is making her right.


I do hope marie comes back and lets us know how her discussion went, and what her thoughts are on any compromise they may have reached. I think it may be useful to other readers (as well as those of us who posted) to see the outcome.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

marieJa said:


> I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
> 
> My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
> 
> ...


After giving your first post on this thread more consideration, I suggest that you two dissolve your relationship and go your separate ways. He can find himself a woman who better appreciates his overtures and you can find yourself either, perhaps a eunuch or a woman who isn't interested in physical contact of that nature.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Ok, that's quite a lot of response. Interesting viewpoints.

Glad I got some concrete advice about how to cope in this situation with the one I love!

For those who suggest me to just take it - well, if my husband suggested that, I would feel unloved. See the irony here? Or to put it the other way round: "Hey, HD people with an LD spouse and no sex, just accept it!" Don't be so limited! At least I am trying to see this whole sex thing from the HD side.

For those who tell us to separate - we won't, as we are happy now. Who knows, maybe in some years we will (which I doubt; we will not let this issue come between us). Anyway, if that happens, it happens. But to divorce now that we are happy and in love? 

You see, our situation is rather easy... No kids, both financially independent etc. If it would ever seem that some of us wasn't willing to compromise anymore, it would simply mean that we have run out of love. And if we ever will, what's the point of being together, then?

I will surely post here when my husband returns from the travel and we have talked more about this issue.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

marieJa,

Do you folks plan on having a family?


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

frustr8dhubby said:


> marieJa,
> 
> Do you folks plan on having a family?


Neither of us has ever wanted to have kids.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Ah OK, good. Then enjoy and good luck!


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

Nothing wrong with asking for sex....actually we all ask for it in one way or another..being the HD person I am, I am the one that usually asks...

I must admit I am amazed at someone who posted they did it 11 times a week....:scratchhead:


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

so now what? said:


> I must admit I am amazed at someone who posted they did it 11 times a week....:scratchhead:


Not to detract from the thread, but frankly if my wife was up for it I'd be up for 11 times each and every week super easily. Seriously that's less than 2x a day.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

Posse said:


> Yeah, I said that too, especially in the beginning and then less emphatically as 15 years passed. Because I wanted to have sex, and I thought not being honest with my feelings to my wife would get me what I wanted. During the 15 years I learned more and more what my friends were getting from their marriages, and I wasn't, however. I finally started speaking up.
> 
> I am far from heartless. If I were heartless I would have been gone a long time ago. Because of my heart, I keep hoping my wife will come around.
> 
> ...


how often do you guys have sex? Did I miss that?


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Not to detract from the thread, but frankly if my wife was up for it I'd be up for 11 times each and every week super easily. Seriously that's less than 2x a day.



me too..I am just amazed that this guy has a wife that will do that....


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Going Mental said:


> There are so many pages on here that I apologise in advance if someone else has already recommended this book:
> Its called "The Sex Diaries" by Australian sex therapist Bettina Arndt. It really sheds an amazing light on the differences between every man, woman and marriage when it comes to sex.
> She is a bit controversial as she says sometimes (not all the time) the lower libido'ed person needs to Nike it...ie "just do it" as generally you'll end up enjoying it.
> The book is also good from the point of view that you are likely to find a story/example that is broadly similar to your own. You should be able to find the book on Amazon.


Just Do It is exactly why MarieJa is here. She has been "Just Doing It" far more than she likes for years. And she has grown resentful of Just Doing It. 

Just Doing It is not a guarantee that a person with the lower drive will "generally" enjoy it. In the OP's case, she's had a lot of practice with that and it has made her feel violated in that she gives her body over to please her H when her mind is not on board. At all.

I don't know what the answer is, but sucking it up and Just Doing It can't possibly be the best option.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Your husband wants sex 30 times a month - why should he have it less often?


is this a joke?


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


It's no different on the other side. I would say you LD people have no idea how much it means to have a spouse reject you or not want you like they want to be with you. It not only feels awful, it IS awful, it hurts and it causes resentment as well.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

phantomfan said:


> It's no different on the other side. I would say you LD people have no idea how much it means to have a spouse reject you or not want you like they want to be with you. It not only feels awful, it IS awful, it hurts and it causes resentment as well.


well said


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

norajane said:


> Just Do It is exactly why MarieJa is here. She has been "Just Doing It" far more than she likes for years. And she has grown resentful of Just Doing It.
> 
> Just Doing It is not a guarantee that a person with the lower drive will "generally" enjoy it. In the OP's case, she's had a lot of practice with that and it has made her feel violated in that she gives her body over to please her H when her mind is not on board. At all.
> 
> I don't know what the answer is, but sucking it up and Just Doing It can't possibly be the best option.


The best option is to put it into perspective. Sex is a gift that you give your partner. You don't give gifts with a resentful heart. Ideally you're both burning with passion and can't keep your hands off each other. If you're not there, then by God you SHOULD want to be for your relationship sake. The more intimate you can be with your partner, the more time and attention you can give them and invest in your relationship, the better your relationship is going to be. 

I truly believe most LD/HD mismatches where the partner has the attitude that they don't want to has the wrong attitude. I hate dishes. If it was a need that I do dishes daily and my wife was on cloud 9, paying dividends like Apple stock in our relationship, then my hands would be dishwater logged. That is the right attitude to have no matter what the subject when it comes to your partners needs. If you can physically do it, then you better step up and do it. If you have to rearrange your priorities, so be it! 

Find a way to gain perspective or keep resenting the partner. The duty of a wife/husband is to complete the other person, meet their needs inside and outside the bedroom. If you aren't up to the task of taking care of your spouse, divorce and let them be with someone who will. You're not being a partner, you're being selfish. It's cruel to leave your partner swinging in the wind because you don't feel like doing something.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hookares said:


> After giving your first post on this thread more consideration, I suggest that you two dissolve your relationship and go your separate ways. He can find himself a woman who better appreciates his overtures and you can find yourself either, perhaps a eunuch or a woman who isn't interested in physical contact of that nature.


This is the kind of nasty post that's says more about you and may actually be at the root of your problems. 

Nevertheless, your post is an object lesson. The depth of your mean spiritedness shows that it is ingrained and predated your problems with your wife.

You have failed to solve your problem in your marriage so that's why your are bitter? What value do you think your post has? That is, besides having an angry temper tantrum at a woman besides your wife. 

Marie may be able to offer you some advice. She can tell you about the type of man you need to be to inspire your wife to be concerned enough about you to post on a forum for advice.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> If you can physically do it, then you better step up and do it.


So how is this different from telling her to Just Do It? 

Also, couldn't one say the same to her H...meaning, if her H can physically NOT do it, then maybe he better step back and NOT do it _so much_ in order to meet his wife's needs better? 

I just see there are two sides here. How will she stop being resentful if the only answer is to just do it, which is what caused her to be resentful and feel violated in the first place? Who is taking her feelings into consideration? Shouldn't both parties be responsible for working things out together?

It's not an easy problem, and the answer isn't easy either. Again, I don't know what the answer is, but coming back to Just Do It will not help MarieJa.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

norajane said:


> So how is this different from telling her to Just Do It?
> 
> Also, couldn't one say the same to her H...meaning, if her H can physically NOT do it, then maybe he better step back and NOT do it _so much_ in order to meet his wife's needs better?
> 
> ...


seems most sexual frequency issues can be put into the JUST DO IT or JUST NOT DO IT category when you think about it...


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

so now what? said:


> is this a joke?


Well, not in the context of my marriage it isn't. I might rephrase it a bit.

I can't, off the top of my head, think of any bit of happiness that I don't want Carol to have. I can't think of any reason to not nurture her as much as I absolutely can. For Carol, one of the main ways is through focused, quality conversation. It's how she feels bonded and whether or not I'm "in the mood" at any given moment, I'm "in the mood" because I love her.

Carol and I pretty much operate on the "more happiness is better" principle so the question really does make sense in our context.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> There is something that has not been said that should be made clear - if you are "resentful" when you do something (sex or otherwise) for your spouse, you are not actually doing something for them; you are doing it because you feel obligated and either do not want to feel guilty or more likely do not want it held over your head. That is, you are doing that thing to make your life easier, not your spouse's life better.
> 
> This ties in to my earlier question: why if you hold the key to your spouse's happiness would you feel resentful about using it. Even if the particular act is not something that appeals to you, if it isn't painful or humiliating, why would making someone else happy make you unhappy?
> 
> I mean, who would choose to rub a stranger's back for 1/2 hour, or fold their laundry, or buy them ice cream? But, we are not resentful about doing these things for our spouses because we like to make them happy. We spend our time and money on things that do not give us an ounce of pleasure as individuals, except the joy of making someone we love happy.


"when you do something (sex or otherwise) for your spouse, you are not actually doing something for them; you are doing it because you feel obligated and either do not want to feel guilty or more likely do not want it held over your head. That is, you are doing that thing to make your life easier, not your spouse's life better. "

Sometimes both are true...


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

norajane said:


> So how is this different from telling her to Just Do It?
> 
> Also, couldn't one say the same to her H...meaning, if her H can physically NOT do it, then maybe he better step back and NOT do it _so much_ in order to meet his wife's needs better?
> 
> ...


A man not being able to physically have an erection is a different problem. For underlying medical issues that are physical in nature, a different standard applies. Having said that, the spouse who can't get an erection or doesn't "feel" it for a month and is actively seeking out a solution with their doctor is one thing. An HD spouse is going to be understanding when the LD spouse is fighting for their sex life and to solve the problem. The spouse who has a medical condition that goes for years and refuses to address it gets thrown back into the "bad spouse" category. You're right it's not an easy problem, nor is there an easy solution. Just doing it is a temporary solution to smooth things over while you investigate and solve the problem. If you don't want to solve the problem or put effort into doing it, then it's not going to work. A spouse should never resent the other for wanting to be with them. It's counter-intuitive. On the other hand, when your spouse doesn't want to be with you and refuses its counter-intuitive to not be resentful. Yet it seems in my experience, that's exactly what a LD spouse expects.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> So how is this different from telling her to Just Do It?
> 
> Also, couldn't one say the same to her H...meaning, if her H can physically NOT do it, then maybe he better step back and NOT do it _so much_ in order to meet his wife's needs better?
> 
> ...


I think I disagree, in so far as marieJa also seems to disagree. She admits to only wanting sex once a month, yet was willing to discuss with her husband once a week with other activities (BJ or HJ) as well. Thus, she is willing to "just doing it' just not at the current level.

While both sides are responsbile to ensure that each others needs are taken care of, I will also say that a good chunk of this lies at marieJa's own feet right now. She needs to tell her husband what she is feeling and how she wants to change things. Right now, she is silently stewing and growing resentment, while he does not know what is wrong (he probably suspects something is off, but is not sure what it is). It is not fair to him or their marriage. Because she is here, I advise her to be honest (in a nice, constructive manner) with him and work together to solve this.


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

norajane said:


> but coming back to Just Do It will not help MarieJa.


Sadly, I agree. 

I think, sometimes, that the problem is that answer makes total sense in a high functioning marriage. I'm quite content to "just do it"... whatever "it" is... for Carol without resentment. I see such moments as "opportunities to demonstrate that love isn't just a word to me". But that only works because she's the same way. We have both filled each other's coffers to overflowing. That makes it really easy to be gracious. It's a lot harder to offer someone else water when your own canteen is empty.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> This is the kind of nasty post that's says more about you and may actually be at the root of your problems.
> 
> Nevertheless, your post is an object lesson. The depth of your mean spiritedness shows that it is ingrained and predated your problems with your wife.
> 
> ...


I really have never posted my complete story here or anywhere else because I'm still having issues with revealing just how stupid I was for over twenty years. I was pretty much the guy you THINK would be ideal during that time and it failed to pan out.
If you think this woman can solve her libido problems with her spouse by "wishing" them away, you and she are in a hopeless situation. I looked the other way when my ex deprived me of ANY physical attention attributing it to her low libido, only to find out that she just wasn't interested in anything from me other than financial support.
I would have given just about anything for her to just level with me before she got pregnant from the efforts of the first guy she was cheating with, but alas it never happened.
I think you might be better off letting the moderators handle any "unkind" posts that aren't directed toward you rather than to make accusations which you have nothing to support.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> It's no different on the other side. I would say you LD people have no idea how much it means to have a spouse reject you or not want you like they want to be with you. It not only feels awful, it IS awful, it hurts and it causes resentment as well.


Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you? 

I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want. 

My question is to HD people- do you resent having to make any accommodations for the person you love? 

Do you feel emotionally connected or loved only when you have sex at the frequency that you want, no matter what you partner wants?


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think I disagree, in so far as marieJa also seems to disagree. She admits to only wanting sex once a month, yet was willing to discuss with her husband once a week with other activities (BJ or HJ) as well. Thus, she is willing to "just doing it' just not at the current level.
> 
> While both sides are responsbile to ensure that each others needs are taken care of, I will also say that a good chunk of this lies at marieJa's own feet right now. She needs to tell her husband what she is feeling and how she wants to change things. Right now, she is silently stewing and growing resentment, while he does not know what is wrong (he probably suspects something is off, but is not sure what it is). It is not fair to him or their marriage. Because she is here, I advise her to be honest (in a nice, constructive manner) with him and work together to solve this.



The OP grasped the solution many pages back - compromise. You come up with something that both can feel content with, and maybe even come to like (!).

The devil's in the detail, of course, but how much of problems like this is because "compromise" is a dirty word?

Broken security is "compromised".
Embarrassing photographs or information is said to be "compromising".
If you fail to live up to your principles you have "compromised" your integrity.

Is it any wonder that people don't want to come to a "compromise" over sex?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

hookares said:


> she just wasn't interested in anything from me other than financial support.


I went to lunch today with a supposed LD friend. We discussed this thread. She said and I'm giving a direct quote "she's just not into him". Why? Because she never liked sex with her soon to be ex husband of 10 years but LOVES it with her now boyfriend.

That may not be what's going on - I'm just saying it's possible. The OP professes love for her husband but what kind of love is it? It's not physical...obviously so what is it? Brotherly? Friend-like? Or is it just a simple matter of being asexual or repressed? Or is she just not into him THAT WAY. We may never know the answer to that.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I went to lunch today with a supposed LD friend. We discussed this thread. She said and I'm giving a direct quote "she's just not into him". Why? Because she never liked sex with her soon to be ex husband of 10 years but LOVES it with her now boyfriend.
> 
> That may not be what's going on - I'm just saying it's possible. The OP professes love for her husband but what kind of love is it? It's not physical...obviously so what is it? Brotherly? Friend-like? Or is it just a simple matter of being asexual or repressed? Or is she just not into him THAT WAY. We may never know the answer to that.


Look out for the "hate" accusers on this subject.
I suspect it's possible that this may be true in the OP's relationship, but have no way of knowing. It would be a shame for the two of them to waste valuable years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole, but it does happen.
At the same time, I'm sure that I contributed to the mess that was my marriage other than financially, but since we split, I have had no problem getting women to appreciate my efforts other than a few were interested in long term whereas I harbor no long range plans.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

This thread will never die. 

Pretty much just three camps:
1. Side with Marie, think she should reduce to 1x/month
2. Believe Marie and her H should compromise (looks like that's what she is going to do)
3. Side with her H, that she should try and keep up her current sexual pace.

I like camp 2. Long live camp 2.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I went to lunch today with a supposed LD friend. We discussed this thread. She said and I'm giving a direct quote "she's just not into him". Why? Because she never liked sex with her soon to be ex husband of 10 years but LOVES it with her now boyfriend.
> 
> That may not be what's going on - I'm just saying it's possible. The OP professes love for her husband but what kind of love is it? It's not physical...obviously so what is it? Brotherly? Friend-like? Or is it just a simple matter of being asexual or repressed? Or is she just not into him THAT WAY. We may never know the answer to that.


Would that life were so simple. One cause > one effect. That never happens in nature and certainly not in human relationships. 

There are a number of reasons why one partner may not want to have sex. One thing that is never mentioned in these discussions - sexual satisfaction. 

The HD partner wants frequent sex because it is good for them but not so good for his/her partner. It is not hard to imagine the sexual frustration watching a partner have an orgasm while getting nothing. 

Another is relationship problems and yet another not meeting a partners needs. Not what you think the other person needs but what they feel they need. 

No longer being attracted or never having been sexually attracted are two among many. Your so called LD friend is really not LD. She seems to have a normal sex drive that may have been killed by relationship problems.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I am no longer responding to MarieJa as she imo just is too damn lost, immature and unwielding regardless of what she says. 

However I can't help but weigh in on the thread.....

She refuses any suggestion of professional help, doesn't understand the chasm the two currently face, is 0 for 4 with men where she has never really felt "it", thinks her husband is the greatest, smartest most understanding man in the world and all will be fine when she delicately tells him that 90%+ of the time he just doesn't do it for her.

I don't know her and am only commenting on what I read, but one very telling fact is her claiming at the worldly age of 2 her and her husband have already decided not to have children. I am no bible thumper and certainly am one of the first to say kids are work, money, time consuming and the source of many a fight, but when one makes this declaration at age 25 I hasve a pretty good idea what I am dealing with.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You have to compromise. Either that or her will get what he needs else where.


----------



## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

NoraJane, "just doing it" needs to be put into context of what else is said in the book suggested. It is actually really enlightening reading about how couples deal with their sexual differences. I for one, had often felt resentful & used. I used to be happy with once a month while my H would have it 5 times a day if he could! Trying the "just do it" technique, and it really is about giving with absolutely no expectations in return, not only gave me a renewed interest in sex generally, it also gave me the confidence to start discussing the issues that were affecting my libidio. Ok so those issues have now lead to trial separation, but H is facing up as am I and we are slowly but surely working towards R. What sex there has been since "just doing it" has been almost as good and in some ways better than the first 5 years of our marriage. 
Other people would take away something else completely different from that book, it really gave me another way of looking at the sex part of long term relationships.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> My question is to HD people- do you resent having to make any accommodations for the person you love?
> 
> Do you feel emotionally connected or loved only when you have sex at the frequency that you want, no matter what you partner wants?


The answer to both, for me, is no.

I did make accomodations, large and small, for her. In fact, I made them cheerfully - a loving spouse does not say "well if you really must...". I think the almost all good spouses do this.

That's why the OP's attitude bothers me. I take her claim of low libido at face value as I have no reason to believe otherwise. But, at some point, she was stunned that cutting back on sex might cost her. She believes he makes no such sacrifices and only does what comes naturally. That is asking for problems.

I don't feel I need to get my way 100% to connect or be happy. I recognize that any relationship is between two individuals who are not always in sync. But, I do need to know that it is a real partnership, which means that both partners don't expect to get more than they put in (and ideally they would value the other as much as the self).

ETA:



marieJa said:


> *What weighs on me is this compromise that only I have to do in order for us to stay together.*
> There is nothing he could do that would make me leave him, but there is this one thing he would leave me for.
> 
> That's why it feels like a chore, most of the times.





marieJa said:


> *Mavash:*
> 
> Fair enough.
> 
> ...


See the disconnect? She feels the she is the only one who "forces" it. She rejects the idea that he does the same and clearly expects him to remain the same. If (when) she cuts back and her DH does change, he likely will be accused of retaliation (by withholding something easily provided).

The fact that she sees sex as outside the scope of marital give and take compounds this issue.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

hookares said:


> I think you might be better off letting the moderators handle any "unkind" posts that aren't directed toward you rather than to make accusations which you have nothing to support.


I am truly sorry that you have had such a difficult relationship. However, I still think that a nasty swipe at this poster is unhelpful for you or her. 

You can see that there is a big difference between your situation and this posters. My comment was to bring out that point, forcefully.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> *never having been sexually attracted *. Your so called LD friend is really not LD.


Bingo. She was never physically attracted to him. And that started a cycle of relationship problems which ultimately led to him cheating and their impending divorce.

I could give you specifics as to WHY she wasn't attracted to him but does it really matter? The point is she just wasn't into him sexually. It happens.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> My question is to HD people- do you resent having to make any accommodations for the person you love?
> 
> *Catherine, I'm going to completely and brutally honest. If Morrigan had a medical condition or some other reason why she COULDN'T have sex as often I would reluctantly compromise. If she just simply DECIDED to change the frequency of our sex life I would eventually resent her. Part of our marriage is built upon our sex life. I would not value our marriage in the same way if sex was no longer a large part of it.*
> 
> ...


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Beowulf,

I'm sorry to go all light-hearted and weird on you in the middle of a thread but every time you mention Morrigan it makes me think of Dragon Age: Origins. Tell her she has a unique and awesome name!


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Beowulf,
> 
> I'm sorry to go all light-hearted and weird on you in the middle of a thread but every time you mention Morrigan it makes me think of Dragon Age: Origins. Tell her she has a unique and awesome name!


Never heard of that. My wife is very Irish with long flaming red hair and alabaster skin. The Morrigan is the Celtic goddess of sex and death. Somehow seemed appropriate in her case since she's always trying to sex me to death. But I'm not complaining.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I am truly sorry that you have had such a difficult relationship. However, I still think that a nasty swipe at this poster is unhelpful for you or her.
> 
> You can see that there is a big difference between your situation and this posters. My comment was to bring out that point, forcefully.


At the risk of next being accused of "high jacking" this thread, let me say that I'm the kind of person who looks for a glimmer of good in any situation, be it pleasant on no so.
Were it not for my ex revealing her displeasure for any sort of physical contact with me, I might well have lived another twenty years trying to figure out just where I was failing in trying to arouse any kind of attention from her other than her wanting to know when she could buy more trinkets.
Since the OP has indicated that she is just going through the motions when accommodating her husband, I feel that I can draw a parallel between their relationship and the sham marriage that I endured.
I stand by my first assessment that the problem which she considers hers alone, will not be addressed by her lack of concern for her spouses problems and will doom their marriage.
This is as "kind" as my past experiences will permit me to present.


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

so now what? said:


> me too..I am just amazed that this guy has a wife that will do that....


There are people who do it far more than you are willing to believe.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Catherine,
I was supposed to fly back to work Monday. W was sick last week and all weekend. Changed my flight to Tuesday morning. W was still sick last night. Sick and a bit anxious - offered to take care of me. Said she didn't want the weekend to be a "total" bust for me. WTF
I stayed to take care of her, she needs to rest. Didn't stay hoping to get serviced and said so. It was a great weekend - spent a lot of time together. It feels good to take care of your partner. As for things being one sided. They are very much so. Outside the bedroom I take care of her. Just wired that way. Horizontally I do the best I can for her. I get an A for effort. If we were to synchronize frequency based on raw desire - hers - we would be sexless. 

Evaluated in isolation, our sex life is not justifiable. Evaluated in isolation the stress/workload balance outside the bedroom is not justifiable. In aggregate, if asked, my wife would say:
- he absolutely loves me, all of me including my quirks.
- he is making the best of a sexually impaired situation as am I 
- he loves me just as much as before I became the female equivalent of an "impotent" partner

As for me. I manage my desires the best I can. I am not going to pretend I don't have desire as that would be a big lie and an obvious one. 




QUOTE=Catherine602;686030]Would that life were so simple. One cause > one effect. That never happens in nature and certainly not in human relationships. 

There are a number of reasons why one partner may not want to have sex. One thing that is never mentioned in these discussions - sexual satisfaction. 

The HD partner wants frequent sex because it is good for them but not so good for his/her partner. It is not hard to imagine the sexual frustration watching a partner have an orgasm while getting nothing. 

Another is relationship problems and yet another not meeting a partners needs. Not what you think the other person needs but what they feel they need. 

No longer being attracted or never having been sexually attracted are two among many. Your so called LD friend is really not LD. She seems to have a normal sex drive that may have been killed by relationship problems.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sorry for the jack Marie

Hook you mentioned that you never told your story. It sounds very traumatic. In my opinion it might help to write it down. 

Nothing will ever change what happen. What will change is your frame of reference and that is what helps to begin the healing. 

That's what happened to me. Some very kind and tolerant members helped me see my traumatic experience in a different light. That help to lessen the anger and rage that has followed me for a long time and destroyed my reality. 

Why don't you do that. I think it would really help.


----------



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Beowulf said:


> Never heard of that. My wife is very Irish with long flaming red hair and alabaster skin. The Morrigan is the Celtic goddess of sex and death. Somehow seemed appropriate in her case since she's always trying to sex me to death. But I'm not complaining.


Aye, I knew that. My wife is a fiery red-headed Scots/Irish herself. Unfortunately she isn't trying to sex me to death...


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I am no longer responding to MarieJa as she imo just is too damn lost, immature and unwielding regardless of what she says.
> 
> However I can't help but weigh in on the thread.....
> 
> ...


QUITE rude.


----------



## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

marieJa said:


> QUITE rude.


I agree.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

marieJa said:


> QUITE rude.


Yeah was looking for an "dislike" button when I read that... glad you spoke up for yourself Marie.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

norajane said:


> Also, couldn't one say the same to her H...meaning, if her H can physically NOT do it, then maybe he better step back and NOT do it _so much_ in order to meet his wife's needs better?


What specifically are the needs here? 

To illustrate: My wife often comes home from work and says something like this:

"What a stressful day I've had....My neck and shoulders are so tense I could scream right now! Would you mind rubbing them for me after dinner?"​
What if I replied like this:

"Sorry honey. I know you're tense, but when I don't initially want to do that, the whole act feels like a chore. It feels like a violation of my own space and identity. I really feel like doing that only about once in a month. Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that."​
Would this reply be a legitimate expression of need or is it more accurately an expression of resentment over being her own personal masseur on call whenever she needs it?

As others have said and marieja has mentioned herself, the real issue here is resentment. I suppose we could say that everyone has a need to not feel resentful, but the cure for hidden resentments is probably not something you can find on an internet forum.

I questioned whether this was necessarily a gender specific issue, but maybe I'm wrong. I can't wrap my mind around why someone would feel resentful over their spouse's normal physical needs.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> As others have said and marieja has mentioned herself, the real issue here is resentment. I suppose we could say that everyone has a need to not feel resentful, but the cure for hidden resentments is probably not something you can find on an internet forum.


I agree with this, and will note again the comment that marieJa made that even when she is physically aroused, she mentally does not want sex with her husband. This strikes me as a real issues that counseling might help.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I am going to take a stab at this, cause I can relate to MarieJa. I was a LD for more than 20 years of my married life. However, I have also experienced the HD for the past several years so I can also relate to the HD side of this topic.

MarieJa, I think I understand what you are describing and what you mean when you talk about your feelings about your body, because I felt the same way. Most of the time this was my thought process (unless like you said, I happened to be horny too - which was not often). "Why do you need my body for the sex part. Use your hands or do whatever to take care of this need. For now, just leave me out of that very small part of what is in every other way a very good marriage." Does that resonate with you MarieJa?

Most of what I have to say has already been said, but in rephrasing it, I hope someone it helps.

1. MarieJa - It is hard for a LD and a HD to understand each other unless they walk in each others shoes. The others thinking process is like a foreign language and is incomprehensible to the one who does not know it. However, just because you don't understand it and it does not make sense to you, does not mean what they say is not real. You may never understand how a HD male feels or thinks, no matter how hard they try to explain it, in the same way they may never understand how you feel. However, because you are married, it is very important that BOTH spouses TRY to understand and take at face value what the other SAYS they feel and need. And then try to work together so that BOTH spouses feelings are accepted and needs are met. This takes communication, hard work, love, compromise, and forgiveness. 

2. If you are resenting something, you should stop doing it! Period! However, if stopping something now causes your partners needs to not be met thus causing resentment on his part - you still have a problem in the marriage. You need to try to figure out what is causing the resentment on your part and figure out a way to not have resentment but still meet his needs. And the same goes for him. This is where the communication, hard work, love, compromise, and forgiveness comes in! 

3. Usually, as human beings we will do something for others because 1. it benefits us - or 2. there is a consequence for not doing it. Right now I believe you are having sex because you are worried he will leave you if you don't. In other words you fear a consequence. And you are feeling no benefits from having sex. You don't want it, you don't need it, you don't care about an orgasm on your part, its a lot of work to fake it, and your relationship is good anyways. So whats the point? After all - he can still have an orgasm and take care of this "need" with out you being involved. Does that describe how you feel MarieJa? There are benefits, but you just don't recognize them or see them as a benefit yet. I thought my marriage was good in the earlier years when we didn't have sex often. But now that I see what it is like when we do have it often, I have realized how wrong i was. Our marriage was not good - and it wasn't really a marriage. We co-existed, we co-parented, and we were friends. But at the time I was happy with that. MY needs were being met! His needs were not,. I didn't really understand that - just like you don't. In fact, I didn't really even see sex as a real need for him. I felt it was a want - and a selfish want at that because it made me do something I didn't want to do.

This takes us back to what i said about not understanding how the other feels - but accepting it is so if they say it is. I didn't buy into what my husband expressed to me about his sexual needs. My husband stuck it out with me in my LD state. However - it did cause resentment on his part and it did affect our relationship in so many ways. Hind site is 20/20. 

In the past several years I have experienced the HD on my part and times where hubby was LD. I now fully understand the hurt, the feelings of rejection and self esteem issues, and of course the resentment I cause him for so many years, because I have now experienced it first hand. It is real and it is very very painful. 

So MarieJa - what does all this mean for you? I think you already recognize the problem your different sex drives can cause in your marriage - otherwise you would not be here. I think you love your husband dearly and really want to work this area of your life out so that both of you are happy and your marriage stays good. However, I think there is a part of you that really wishes the answer could be that your husband meet his needs without your help or participation if possible. I know I felt that way for years. But alas, experience, my own and others, tells me that it really won't work out that way. You are going to have to work with your husband - communicate, listen, and make compromises. Thats just how it works in a marriage.

BTW - There is invaluable information in many of the above posts. 
Read them - reread them - and read them again. Read them with your husband and use them as discussion openers. Mem11363's posts are especially pertinent to your situation. I think his wife posts on here so you may want to pm her directly (correct me if wrong Mem). She is definitely one who has found a good way to handle her LD and his HD issues. You can tell by the way he adores her!!!!

Good Luck!


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Great post, Mary35! We HD spouses can spout off forever, but the perspective of an LD spouse is much more valuable to speak to MarieJa's situation.


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you?
> 
> I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want.
> 
> ...


If you consider "compromise" to be ok I'll do it, but I'm going to have a rotten attitude, not really reciprocate and make sure you know about it, yeah we compromise. I'm pretty sick and tired of that brand of compromise. The reality is my wife thinks sex is a chore and that meeting my needs is a chore she'd rather put off. 

I'm expected to do my "chores" with a good attitude but not the other way around. I don't personally have the attitude that meeting her needs is a chore, its what I should do and I do it with the right mindset. Its about what she needs, not about what I feel like doing. Without an attitude change as far as I'm concerned we could have sex every night and it not mean a damn thing to me. 

We went to see a therapist recently. That was a complete waste of time. I brought up the issue. I chose a woman therapist specifically to be more receptive to a woman's point of view. She was defensive, turned off to listening and wanted me to defend her. She's not interested in hearing how I feel or resolving the issue. She tells me I don't communicate with her. I am not god's gift to speech but I can communicate when given a fair opportunity. 

I've told her many times that the rejections hurt and she acted like it was the first time she's ever heard it when I said that again in therapy. I'm the one with major issues in her mind. She's the perfect communicator and everyone likes her. She pays attention and reads people so well. She thinks she treats everyone well, especially those who treat her well. That is not true either but that's another story. 

We had sex last night. There was no lead up and I really wasn't in the mood. I was told, you got 10 minutes, hurry up and lets get this over with. It was pulling teeth to get a decent kiss from her and when done, back to doing her thing. I was reminded at least three times that she "crossed sex off the list" and was now doing (whatever else). As far as I'm concerned, I would have rather masturbated. At least when I have sex with myself, I have a partner interested in me.

For Marie, I wasn't suggesting a compromise per se, but a resolution. A compromise can be part of the resolution. In my case there are things I will not compromise on anymore. The attitude is one. You love me enough to drop the attitude and treat me right or you don't. You want to have a marriage that is built on friendship so do I. You don't get to the 40-50 year mark by treating your spouse like I've described above. In my situation, I've said sex is not the problem, its a symptom of a larger issue. For me, I'm willing to dig and pull out the weeds to move on. I think THAT is the best course of action for her as well. Get to the bottom of what is causing the mismatch and resolve it. The sex should become a non issue once it is no longer a tool, a weapon or something to be resentful over.

P.S. Not trying to hijack the thread


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Well said Mary35! You clearly understand both sides of the coin and that's rare, thanks for sharing your story.

Later tonight my wife and I are going to read it over together, thanks a lot for taking time to write that. I know testimonies like yours help both my wife and I understand our situation better.


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Great post, Mary35! We HD spouses can spout off forever, but the perspective of an LD spouse is much more valuable to speak to MarieJa's situation.


Actually I think the opposite is true. An LD person needs understanding from HD types not their spouse more than they need camaraderie from LD sympathizers. One LD person might better appreciate how they feel but the problem is a lack of understanding from the other side that an LD person needs. The light needs to go on. Having some person identify with them doesn't make lights go on, it re-inforces that their POV is ok. It is unless its a problem in the marriage. Chances are being here and talking about it, the LD/HD mismatch is a problem. 

I see LD spouses say the same things mine does. I get it, I do. I'm a bipolar HD ATM. I have drive but not necessarily aimed at my wife. I want my LD wife to be my one stop shop for all needs but her refusal to understand my POV or do right by me in and out of the bedroom kills my desire to be with her at all. I understand the LD POV but I won't justify it or excuse it anymore than I will excuse an alcoholic's choice to drink. Love is a choice. You choose to love your partner and do loving things regardless of your feelings or you choose not to. The biggest mistake I think that comes from the LD side of the house is that feelings should dictate your sex life. IMHO, that is a dysfunctional way to relate to the world. If that were the case, no one would serve their communities, spouses, countries, et al. There are times when I'm very angry at my children or I don't like them very much. I still do right by them and do my best to take care of them. Love is a verb, not an adjective!


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mary,
This is perha

UOTE=mary35;687736]I am going to take a stab at this, cause I can relate to MarieJa. I was a LD for more than 20 years of my married life. However, I have also experienced the HD for the past several years so I can also relate to the HD side of this topic.

MarieJa, I think I understand what you are describing and what you mean when you talk about your feelings about your body, because I felt the same way. Most of the time this was my thought process (unless like you said, I happened to be horny too - which was not often). "Why do you need my body for the sex part. Use your hands or do whatever to take care of this need. For now, just leave me out of that very small part of what is in every other way a very good marriage." Does that resonate with you MarieJa?

Most of what I have to say has already been said, but in rephrasing it, I hope someone it helps.

1. MarieJa - It is hard for a LD and a HD to understand each other unless they walk in each others shoes. The others thinking process is like a foreign language and is incomprehensible to the one who does not know it. However, just because you don't understand it and it does not make sense to you, does not mean what they say is not real. You may never understand how a HD male feels or thinks, no matter how hard they try to explain it, in the same way they may never understand how you feel. However, because you are married, it is very important that BOTH spouses TRY to understand and take at face value what the other SAYS they feel and need. And then try to work together so that BOTH spouses feelings are accepted and needs are met. This takes communication, hard work, love, compromise, and forgiveness. 

2. If you are resenting something, you should stop doing it! Period! However, if stopping something now causes your partners needs to not be met thus causing resentment on his part - you still have a problem in the marriage. You need to try to figure out what is causing the resentment on your part and figure out a way to not have resentment but still meet his needs. And the same goes for him. This is where the communication, hard work, love, compromise, and forgiveness comes in! 

3. Usually, as human beings we will do something for others because 1. it benefits us - or 2. there is a consequence for not doing it. Right now I believe you are having sex because you are worried he will leave you if you don't. In other words you fear a consequence. And you are feeling no benefits from having sex. You don't want it, you don't need it, you don't care about an orgasm on your part, its a lot of work to fake it, and your relationship is good anyways. So whats the point? After all - he can still have an orgasm and take care of this "need" with out you being involved. Does that describe how you feel MarieJa? There are benefits, but you just don't recognize them or see them as a benefit yet. I thought my marriage was good in the earlier years when we didn't have sex often. But now that I see what it is like when we do have it often, I have realized how wrong i was. Our marriage was not good - and it wasn't really a marriage. We co-existed, we co-parented, and we were friends. But at the time I was happy with that. MY needs were being met! His needs were not,. I didn't really understand that - just like you don't. In fact, I didn't really even see sex as a real need for him. I felt it was a want - and a selfish want at that because it made me do something I didn't want to do.

This takes us back to what i said about not understanding how the other feels - but accepting it is so if they say it is. I didn't buy into what my husband expressed to me about his sexual needs. My husband stuck it out with me in my LD state. However - it did cause resentment on his part and it did affect our relationship in so many ways. Hind site is 20/20. 

In the past several years I have experienced the HD on my part and times where hubby was LD. I now fully understand the hurt, the feelings of rejection and self esteem issues, and of course the resentment I cause him for so many years, because I have now experienced it first hand. It is real and it is very very painful. 

So MarieJa - what does all this mean for you? I think you already recognize the problem your different sex drives can cause in your marriage - otherwise you would not be here. I think you love your husband dearly and really want to work this area of your life out so that both of you are happy and your marriage stays good. However, I think there is a part of you that really wishes the answer could be that your husband meet his needs without your help or participation if possible. I know I felt that way for years. But alas, experience, my own and others, tells me that it really won't work out that way. You are going to have to work with your husband - communicate, listen, and make compromises. Thats just how it works in a marriage.

BTW - There is invaluable information in many of the above posts. 
Read them - reread them - and read them again. Read them with your husband and use them as discussion openers. Mem11363's posts are especially pertinent to your situation. I think his wife posts on here so you may want to pm her directly (correct me if wrong Mem). She is definitely one who has found a good way to handle her LD and his HD issues. You can tell by the way he adores her!!!!

Good Luck![/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> Actually I think the opposite is true. An LD person needs understanding from HD types not their spouse more than they need camaraderie from LD sympathizers. One LD person might better appreciate how they feel but the problem is a lack of understanding from the other side that an LD person needs. The light needs to go on. Having some person identify with them doesn't make lights go on, it re-inforces that their POV is ok. It is unless its a problem in the marriage. Chances are being here and talking about it, the LD/HD mismatch is a problem.
> 
> I see LD spouses say the same things mine does. I get it, I do. I'm a bipolar HD ATM. I have drive but not necessarily aimed at my wife. I want my LD wife to be my one stop shop for all needs but her refusal to understand my POV or do right by me in and out of the bedroom kills my desire to be with her at all. I understand the LD POV but I won't justify it or excuse it anymore than I will excuse an alcoholic's choice to drink. Love is a choice. You choose to love your partner and do loving things regardless of your feelings or you choose not to. The biggest mistake I think that comes from the LD side of the house is that feelings should dictate your sex life. IMHO, that is a dysfunctional way to relate to the world. If that were the case, no one would serve their communities, spouses, countries, et al. There are times when I'm very angry at my children or I don't like them very much. I still do right by them and do my best to take care of them. Love is a verb, not an adjective!


Did you read all of Mary's post? She said was was LD for 20 years, but she came to understand the HD viewpoint, and was sorry for all the time that she neglected to meet her husband's needs.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> Actually I think the opposite is true. An LD person needs understanding from HD types not their spouse more than they need camaraderie from LD sympathizers. One LD person might better appreciate how they feel but the problem is a lack of understanding from the other side that an LD person needs. The light needs to go on. Having some person identify with them doesn't make lights go on, it re-inforces that their POV is ok. It is unless its a problem in the marriage. Chances are being here and talking about it, the LD/HD mismatch is a problem.
> 
> I see LD spouses say the same things mine does. I get it, I do. I'm a bipolar HD ATM. I have drive but not necessarily aimed at my wife. I want my LD wife to be my one stop shop for all needs but her refusal to understand my POV or do right by me in and out of the bedroom kills my desire to be with her at all. I understand the LD POV but I won't justify it or excuse it anymore than I will excuse an alcoholic's choice to drink. Love is a choice. You choose to love your partner and do loving things regardless of your feelings or you choose not to. The biggest mistake I think that comes from the LD side of the house is that feelings should dictate your sex life. IMHO, that is a dysfunctional way to relate to the world. If that were the case, no one would serve their communities, spouses, countries, et al. There are times when I'm very angry at my children or I don't like them very much. I still do right by them and do my best to take care of them. Love is a verb, not an adjective!


Phantom Fan - :scratchhead: I am not sure if you read my post or not. I really feel your anger though and do understand it 100%. I also agree with much of your above quote - especially that Love is a verbm not an adjective. 

You seem to be an example of what happens when a spouse's needs and feelings are ignored and not validated for an extended period of time. If true your anger is understandable! I am sorry you are in the place you find yourself in your marriage. I know that does not help you though. 

If you are not comfortable with your MC - look for another one. If I were you though, I would look for a good sex therapist instead. Google AASECT for resourses in your area. The reason I suggest this avenue is that they have all the same training as a MC, but also EXTRA training in the sexual field. They do the same kind of counseling technigues, and will cover the whole marrital relationship, however they have more expertise to get into the sexual part of the relationship and since you feel that is a big problem, you may want that additional training. 

Anyways - my 2 cents!


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Did you read all of Mary's post? She said was was LD for 20 years, but she came to understand the HD viewpoint, and was sorry for all the time that she neglected to meet her husband's needs.


Yes I did. I don't think what I said in response was in anyway disagreeing with her. She has an understanding of both sides. I agree it really helps to gain perspective. Its good to have someone reach out that says I know both sides. While I understand it feels better to know you're not alone (LD/HD, whatever), it doesn't fix the problem. I love meeting men/women on this board who know what I'm going through. It means a lot but does little to solve the problem. 

I believe you can work to fix the problem without fully understanding the other point of view. Even though I know what its like to be an HD/LD male, I don't and will never know fully what it's like to be a HD/LD female. No one knows what its like to be me and I don't know what its like to be anyone else. You don't need to fully understand to empathize. You just need to open your heart and mind to the possibilities. You don't need 100 percent understanding of the intricacies of the issue to comprehend the gravity of the situation. 

I think the two things needed to address any relationship issue is, understanding what is happening to your marriage as a result of your choices or what you choose not to do. The other is making the conscious choice to change a behavior that will have a positive impact on the relationship. If you are willing to make the investment, call it compromise, call it a 180, call it what you wish then your relationship can be salvaged. 90 percent of the battle is over when you make the choice and change what you do. 

Thomas Edison said innovation 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent perspiration. I think that holds true for relationships. A sexually unsatisfying marriage is like the iceberg that sunk the titanic. 90 percent of the problem was below the surface and it took down an unsinkable ship due to a lack of respect for how serious the situation was. The lack of sex is not a problem because one partner is physically incapable of orgasm or physical release themselves. The lack of sexual satisfaction is a problem because it represents a breakdown of the bond/intimacy in the relationship. It has, it can and it will sink the best of relationships. Every effort needs to be made to turn the wheel and change course before you hit the berg that no one saw and sink.


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

mary35 said:


> Phantom Fan - :scratchhead: I am not sure if you read my post or not. I really feel your anger though and do understand it 100%. I also agree with much of your above quote - especially that Love is a verbm not an adjective.
> 
> You seem to be an example of what happens when a spouse's needs and feelings are ignored and not validated for an extended period of time. If true your anger is understandable! I am sorry you are in the place you find yourself in your marriage. I know that does not help you though.
> 
> ...


Thanks. The therapist discomfort is not on my side of the football. It's not the first time we have been to a counselor for other issues. My wife tends to go from zero to defensive faster than a speeding bullet. She hasn't met a counselor yet who she liked, once they challenged her on anything of consequence. She wants a counselor who will 100 percent validate her. That's not what ANY therapist on the planet is going to do. 

She accused me of being sexually conservative in therapy. While its true I prefer passion, slow and tantric style connecting more than porn star sex, I can and do have a lot of things in the quiver to draw from. The truth is I have done/initiated just about every "technique", idea and position known to man in our sexual relationship. Anything she's asked for, sex in public places, you name it short of involving other people, or rape-fantasies, I've done or tried. I'd love to discuss the intricate details with a sex therapist at some point but sex is a symptom of the problem. Until the horse decides to drink and not just swish water and spit it back out, there's not much else I can do. I'm more hurt than angry, more frustrated and feeling hopeless than anything. When I'm angry I go to the gym and lift until I can't lift my arms anymore.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> The lack of sexual satisfaction is a problem because it represents a breakdown of the bond/intimacy in the relationship. It has, it can and it will sink the best of relationships. Every effort needs to be made to turn the wheel and change course before you hit the berg that no one saw and sink.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> Yes I did. I don't think what I said in response was in anyway disagreeing with her. She has an understanding of both sides. I agree it really helps to gain perspective. Its good to have someone reach out that says I know both sides. While I understand it feels better to know you're not alone (LD/HD, whatever), it doesn't fix the problem. I love meeting men/women on this board who know what I'm going through. It means a lot but does little to solve the problem.


No, but when such a poster validates advice given by others, it can be that much more powerful. That someone who was gone through something similar is telling you to try something, I think the natural reaction is to give that more weight. That is what Mary35 did, and why I think it was such a valuable post.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You know - I think this thread is the best yet on this topic. 

I hope it becomes a sticky or at lest a reference thread.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Ocotillo I think a simple no I'm not in the mood will do. That's what people usually say when they don't feel like doing something. 

Going with your analogy- The litany you recited is the interpretation of the answer by the person making the request. 

The interpretation is probably inaccurate. The best way of making an accurate interpretation is to ask in a non judgmental way.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Ocotillo I think a simple no I'm not in the mood will do. That's what people usually say when they don't feel like doing something.
> 
> Going with your analogy- The litany you recited is the interpretation of the answer by the person making the request.
> 
> The interpretation is probably inaccurate. The best way of making an accurate interpretation is to ask in a non judgmental way.


Yes, in context the hypothetical I gave was absurd to the point of being hyperbole. But any answer, including, "I'm not in the mood" has reasons behind it and the litany contained the ones that have heretofore been given. Let's hope they're inaccurate.

The purpose of the illustration was to show that norajane's proposal would be servicing (admitted) resentment, not a need.

And that's what I'm having a hard time comprehending. In the scenario I gave, "Not in the mood" is not even acceptable as far as I'm concerned. It would take an injury to both hands before I would even consider refusing a request of that nature from my wife.


----------



## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

MJ,

You have certainly grasped what seems to be the heart of the matter and what to do about it: the resentment that is building is harmful to your marriage and it is best to talk to your husband about it.

From your previous conversations, he already knows you have a low sex drive. If you frame the conversation in that way, I'm sure you'll be able to protect the fragile male ego that so many other people have commented on.

If he's as sensitive as you say, he should be very open to the types of compromises that have been mentioned here: backrubs for you, BJ/HJ etc. for him. You should be ready to answer questions about just how infrequent sex needs to be for you before it becomes a source of resentment (does any more than once per lunar cycle mean that you'll be resenting him?). You should also be prepared for him to wonder (whether he states it or not) when your desire quotient will drop from 1/month to even lower - and when it might go to zero.

You seem to be sensitive to comments that imply that your very low drive means that you are in some way "broken." I wouldn't say that. However, you do seem to be pretty far out on the low end of the spectrum of sexual drives. Is this something that you've ever discussed with a medical professional?

Good luck in your conversation. You seem to be ready to approach it with love and from a desire to improve your marriage. That seems to be the best way to go.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm left to wonder just why two people would remain married to each other if one of them wishes to live in the same house as their spouse's brother or sister? At the same time just how can a HL spouse continue to stay if they KNOW their spouse will never change?
Lastly, when does a low libido person come to realize their status and if they are aware of it before matrimony, what motivated them to marry their complete opposite?


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> If you consider "compromise" to be ok I'll do it, but I'm going to have a rotten attitude, not really reciprocate and make sure you know about it, yeah we compromise. I'm pretty sick and tired of that brand of compromise. The reality is my wife thinks sex is a chore and that meeting my needs is a chore she'd rather put off.
> 
> I'm expected to do my "chores" with a good attitude but not the other way around. I don't personally have the attitude that meeting her needs is a chore, its what I should do and I do it with the right mindset. Its about what she needs, not about what I feel like doing. Without an attitude change as far as I'm concerned we could have sex every night and it not mean a damn thing to me.
> 
> ...


This is powerful. I don't think you can avoid cringing!! I hope you don't take this for condescension but this made tears come to my eyes. 

This is not about a LD partner, this is about one person being cruel and nasty to someone they think they have in bondage. There is no compassion, no empathy and no love here. That's what I see. 

It would be better if she said nothing but to go through the trouble to let that escape her mouth is astounding. I don't think she would get away with that cruelty with a stranger. 

That is what I cannot begin to understand. It is one thing to refuse and make an excuse but quite another to go out of her way to humiliate. The question is, what is the message she gives? I remember in another thread that men felt woman think they have moral superiority. 

Could this be what they are talking about? By her actions, his wife is saying, his need for sex is trivial and something she "gives" him when when she is in the mood to humiliate him. Sex is for men and they are contemptible for wanting it.

This is perverse, no? If she were single and looking she would be getting dolled up to attract a man. Here she has a man who knows her and still desires her living right in her home. What would it take for her to see the irony in that? Maybe when he gets a chance to walk away, has an affair, stops wanting to have sex with her? 

Marie what do you think of this? You are not being contemptuous of your husband overtly. It may be covert though. You can get aroused, if you want but it annoys you so you control it. What is wrong with sexual arousal? 

Could you be contemptuous of people like your husband who seems to enjoy sex? He actively seeks sexual arousal for himself and you. Is your resentment mixed with contempt and a feeling of superiority that you are not conscious of? 

I am speculating wildly here - a stream of consciousness in response to Phantom's post. The feeling came tumbling out. 

I'd like to hear what LD people think about what Phantom described. How does it make you feel? If you are doing the same, this is a chance to look at yourself - this is very ugly indeed. If this is you, I think you will reap what you sow.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mary,
My favorite quote is from an Elmore Leonard novel. This guy is in an apartment with his long time girl friend. He is about to leave to go do something dangerous, and he is on a tight schedule. She says to him "I'm sorry we didn't get to make love today". 

And he looks over at her and replies "I'm always making love to you". And the way he portrays this character, is not a "sappy/romantic" type. He is a bit low affect, and not super talkative. And he totally loves this woman. 

And when I read that 20 or so years ago I thought, "that guy is my role model". 




mary35 said:


> I am going to take a stab at this, cause I can relate to MarieJa. I was a LD for more than 20 years of my married life. However, I have also experienced the HD for the past several years so I can also relate to the HD side of this topic.
> 
> MarieJa, I think I understand what you are describing and what you mean when you talk about your feelings about your body, because I felt the same way. Most of the time this was my thought process (unless like you said, I happened to be horny too - which was not often). "Why do you need my body for the sex part. Use your hands or do whatever to take care of this need. For now, just leave me out of that very small part of what is in every other way a very good marriage." Does that resonate with you MarieJa?
> 
> ...


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Phantom,
You have created this monster and are now feeding it raw meat - making it ever more aggressive. 

There is only one proper response to that type of comment. An icy rejection of the offer. That is best accomplished via the smallest possible number of words and a high degree of body language. So either:
"No" - in a firm tone of voice. Followed by dead silence and leaving the room. or
"What did you just say to me", followed by dead silence no matter how she responds. 

Because the subtext of the interaction you actually had went like this:
Her: "I don't want to do this, I want you to know I don't want to do it, but I bet you don't even have enough self control to walk away if I tell you that in an insulting manner".
You: "I am willing to trade my self respect, and your respect for me, to have bad, rushed, sex with someone who is being deliberately cruel to me".

If I pulled some stunt like that with my W, she would tear out my heart and bite it. If she pulled it with me, she would expect me to:
- Reject the "non - offer"
- Drop her to the bottom of the priority stack and leave her there until she came to her senses and begged forgiveness

I have never considered emotional castration an enjoyable form of foreplay. But hey, thats just me. 



phantomfan said:


> If you consider "compromise" to be ok I'll do it, but I'm going to have a rotten attitude, not really reciprocate and make sure you know about it, yeah we compromise. I'm pretty sick and tired of that brand of compromise. The reality is my wife thinks sex is a chore and that meeting my needs is a chore she'd rather put off.
> 
> I'm expected to do my "chores" with a good attitude but not the other way around. I don't personally have the attitude that meeting her needs is a chore, its what I should do and I do it with the right mindset. Its about what she needs, not about what I feel like doing. Without an attitude change as far as I'm concerned we could have sex every night and it not mean a damn thing to me.
> 
> ...


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Was that "Get Shorty" MEM? I looove Elmore Leonard his characters are mad crazy.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> That is what I cannot begin to understand. It is one thing to refuse and make an excuse but quite another to go out of her way to humiliate. The question is, what is the message she gives? I remember in another thread that men felt woman think they have moral superiority.
> 
> Could this be what they are talking about? By her actions, his wife is saying, his need for sex is trivial and something she "gives" him when when she is in the mood to humiliate him. Sex is for men and they are contemptible for wanting it.


I think you've hit it. "Contempt" is probably exactly right in some cases, but I suspect it might be a bit strong in a lot of others: distaste, distain, or the way that an older child looks at a younger child's game might be closer. Something you wouldn't "lower" yourself to indulge in, except when you have to (like an older child told to play with a younger one).



> This is perverse, no? If she were single and looking she would be getting dolled up to attract a man. Here she has a man who knows her and still desires her living right in her home. What would it take for her to see the irony in that? Maybe when he gets a chance to walk away, has an affair, stops wanting to have sex with her?


It is ironic, isn't it? But then, a lot of people I suspect convince themselves that they can put up with something they dislike / disdain in order to have the other good things in a marriage. Many probably really believe they will come to like and that "love will conquer all".

Other see it as an "occupational hazard" - if you want a husband / wife, they will expect sex. You can avoid or minimise it, but it's still there. It's something you have to deal with and accept the consequences of.

The irony that in order to get into a marriage, a person pretty much has to be sexual, whilst it's something they would actively prefer to avoid is quite stunning.



> Marie what do you think of this? You are not being contemptuous of your husband overtly. It may be covert though. You can get aroused, if you want but it annoys you so you control it. What is wrong with sexual arousal?
> 
> Could you be contemptuous of people like your husband who seems to enjoy sex? He actively seeks sexual arousal for himself and you. Is your resentment mixed with contempt and a feeling of superiority that you are not conscious of?


A lot of people are deeply uncomfortable with being in any way, shape or form out of control. Whether it's sex, adrenaline rush or whatever, they need to be in total control at all times.

They might also feel superior, via a perception that lack of control is something that they not only don't like in themselves, but disdain in others, but not necessarily.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Was that "Get Shorty" MEM? I looove Elmore Leonard his characters are mad crazy.


Elmore Leonard? What's to not like?:smthumbup:


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Trying to find the title. Funny that you also like him as does SB


TE=Catherine602;689264]Was that "Get Shorty" MEM? I looove Elmore Leonard his characters are mad crazy.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Trying to find the title. Funny that you also like him as does SB
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Great minds think alike


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you?
> 
> I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want.
> 
> ...


Catherine,

I hope you know that I really respect your posts, and your voice for women who come to this site with sexual problems in their life. I have to say that this thread, given the circumstances, strikes me as more of a trainwreck coming than a situation where a couple can hope that compromise will salvage the marriage.

There is a post where a guy who has been married for 20 years says that his wife has never been attracted to him. Take this same scenario, but have the wife just say that she is low drive, and it is a completely different situation, where there might be real hope to find compromise. But lets step back away from the truth that has been proposed, then accepted on this thread, that a low sex drive in either sex can be divorced from their level of attraction from the spouse. I would imagine that even the experts might end up arguing over the contention that this same woman might not respond differently to another partner. 

Here though, we are telling a 25 year old woman that compromise is the solution, when it is highly unlikely that any man or woman on the receiving end of that news from the low drive spouse will be able to accept that "compromise" will be the status quo for the rest of their life. They are virtually starting the marriage with one partner being asked to put his desire for his wife, not some abstract entity called his "sex drive", but his desire for his wife on the shelf. Do you really think that MariaJa or any woman at 25 would be able to set her husband down and tell him that sex WITH HIM leads to resentment? Some variation of the truth is usually used. The most jaded of us call this "stringing them along". 

The reality is very likely that a short time ago, he was looking forward to marriage with a woman who might have told them that she has "this little issue" with sex, but both of them believed that their marriage was going to be an expression of their desire for each other. Even if he is kept from the truth, and his wife meets his needs with resentment, he will notice.

But my real point is that it is hard to accept that a 25 year old, early in the marriage, can really have the sure confidence that this is a low drive situation, and not just a result of marrying someone who met other needs, but she just wasn't attracted to him. I find that incredible that this can be accepted so easily, and then some posters even make the husband out to be the bad guy if he wants to be able to express his NEWFOUND love for the woman of his dreams. Isn't it more realistic to expect those sacrifices in a more mature relationship? Regardless of the tough love speech the posters here will give him, what are the chances that a young man will really weather this situation past the point where he realizes that there is no real evidence that this isn't just a matter of his wife having no attraction for him?

I do recommend compromise. But I emphatically recommend complete honesty with the husband about her feelings. As a human being, he deserves the truth so that he can make a decision on the facts, and not what the OP chooses to tell him because "she just knows that he is a better man than the men who have replied to this thread".


----------



## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Phantom if your wife was willing to come to a compromise with you simular to what we are advising Marie, would that work for you?
> 
> I ask because of posts like Tacoma seem to be saying that anything less than what the man wants, is too little regardless of what his wife may want.
> 
> ...


While I cannot speek for all HD people but I can say without a doubt yes I can compromise. My wife it turns out was abused and has BPD. She was under the impression that nothing was wrong. I forced her hand into going to IC and MC before I found this out so at that point my attitude has changed (It is a lot differnt when you know something is wrong). I no longer initate with my wife, I let her come to me. The fact that I know there is a problem instead of "nothing is wrong" or "its your problem" went away, and she is attempting to show she loves me in other areas makes a HUGE differnce. She now realizes it's not the sex that was missing, its the visable lack of effort to make me feel loved that was the problem. After a month on her meds and her 5th IC appointment, she walked through the door gave me a big wet kiss and her exact words where "I am so sorry for being such an unloving c*nt for the last few years" (her words not mine). In short, its the visable effort to make me feel loved that matters and a compromise is showing that effort.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

larry.gray said:


> There are people who do it far more than you are willing to believe.


I was that wife too, but my stbxh just was not interested!


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

Hey,

Some time has passed since I last visited here, and I thought to update. 

Our relationship has improved! We have talked about the lovemaking issue, and it turns out that I just need much more hugging and other non-sexual contact than sex itself. When I have that, I don't so much mind having sex also. 

To each his own, I guess?

We do not have sex so often anymore, though. My husband took my complaints seriously, and he doesn't want me to grow resentment. 

We are very happy.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

marieJa said:


> We are very happy.


You are very happy, he is in the process of building resentment. This is not a done deal.


----------



## marieJa (Apr 13, 2012)

I thought I'd hear that!

Actually, he's not. He is quite much older than me, and anyway his very active years are over.

We also communicate very much to be sure that none of us builds resentment. When love is involved, everything works out.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I hope you are right, just giving you perspective from some one who's been there. Good luck.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

marieJa said:


> He is quite much older than me, and anyway his very active years are over.


Sometimes I'm a little slow with subtle humor. Are you serious?

If you husband has a degenerative illness or debilitating condition, I'm very sorry and wish you the best.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Actually, he's not. He is quite much older than me, and anyway his very active years are over.


That is not what you said in your original post:

My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex.

So which is it?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marieJa said:


> Hey,
> 
> Some time has passed since I last visited here, and I thought to update.
> 
> ...



No "we" aren`t happy.

You`re happy because you got what you want.

Your husband is meekly agreeing with you so as not to rock the boat and keep you happy.

I give him a couple of years (tops) of resentment building up before he starts balling the hot chick at work who keeps flirting with him.

After a couple of years of the starvation you provide that hot little co-worker is going to seem like a world rocker to him.
He`s gonna love it.

Good luck!


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not sure if this is a dead thread or not but wanting sex once a month at 25 will turn into not wanting sex at all by 30. That's my wife.

And if I had not gone through with the wedding when she was 25 I would actually have had a sex life these past 8 years.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Not sure if this is a dead thread or not but wanting sex once a month at 25 will turn into not wanting sex at all by 30. That's my wife.
> 
> And if I had not gone through with the wedding when she was 25 I would actually have had a sex life these past 8 years.


Nothing beats shedding the sort of relationship you are describing. Been there and done that.
Now, if I feel this will potentially be the future, I excuse myself from any further contact with the lady and let her find somebody better suited to be her date.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

SprucHub said:


> This is exactly the point! The "HD" person lives his/her life not knowing whether the "LD" person is just different or just does not love them. I.e., the "LD" person just has LD for me and a HD for my efforts, work and money, and maybe a HD for the next comer.
> 
> And it is very difficult to conclude that the "LD" person is just different because love means happily doing thing to make the other person happy. Not having sex with your spouse, not liking sex with your spouse, or resenting having sex with your spouse (regardless of what you would choose to do if you were not married) implies a lack of true love and respect.


Exactly. Also the HD spouse doesn't understand why the LD spouse isn't interested


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Sex and marriage go hand in hand.

Ok, i understand having a low drive, but withholding sex from someone you say you love it causes a lot of problems for the HD partner. The HD spouse doesn't quite understand why the LD partner doesn't want to have sex as often as the HD partner. 

You can get your self in the mood more often, but your husband has to have realistic expectations. I am not saying everyday. You have to compromise and so does he.


----------



## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

tacoma said:


> No "we" aren`t happy.
> 
> You`re happy because you got what you want.
> 
> ...


Yeah, if he's smart and hasn't all but had his whole self-esteem slowly ruined to nothing in his monastic life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your husband sounds like a wonderfully, caring and loving man. If I were you I would find a way of meeting HIS needs, not just once a month when you do feel like it. I don't mean to sound harsh, but whilst your low libido isn't your fault, you're depriving someone who obviously loves you of something he craves and needs...

Have you discussed your low libido with your gynae? Perhaps it's a hormonal issue that could be solved.


----------



## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

I wish you and your husband the best of luck.


----------



## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

Obviously a lot of opinions on this. I'm wondering if the poster is reading anymore? But like lots of people, I want to chime in. My first marriage I was young and eventually HATED having sex with my husband because I didn't like the way he treated me - had no idea what my sex drive was because I had not explored it enough and then it was never my choice. I'd never really been able to ask myself what I liked or express it. Now that I'm older and have had more time to explore my own sexuality on my own terms, I can't imagine thinking of sex as a chore. Any time my man has wanted me, I'm there. I may not physically "feel" like sex - I really only do once a month too - but I know that I can warm up to it almost anytime, anywhere because it really is mostly in my head. I don't have to orgasm. It just feels good to have him inside me and I focus on that. Not for him - but for me. It feels good to me, and it can to you too. It doesn't have to feel like a chore, but if it does I suspect it's because you have some unexpressed resentments.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ladybird said:


> Exactly. Also the HD spouse doesn't understand why the LD spouse isn't interested


I don't think that's necessarily so. I think it's just as likely the HD spouse understands the LD spouse but has a fundamentally different point of view.

I, for instance, understood perfectly well that my ex had very little to zero sexual attraction to me for the duration of our marriage. I just did not agree with her perspective that sexual satisfaction was unimportant in marriage and that she should not have to try to meet my sexual need if she did not want to.

IMO, the reason so many marriages come to a crisis over this is not because the HD and LD spouses do not understand each other, but rather because they understand perfectly well what is going on and can no longer avoid the obvious truth.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I wouldn't be okay with once a month, I wouldn't even pretend that would be okay with me. But, if it really works for the two of you, then that's your business. Good Luck to the both of you.


----------



## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

marieJa said:


> I am a low libido female, 25 years old. I feel the need for sex once in a month (a week before my period). Otherwise, it never comes to my mind, and I mean NEVER. And I'm happy with that!
> 
> My husband is the opposite. It might be one day of a month when he doesn't want sex (sex for him is equal to pleasing me). He is a gentle and generous lover, always putting my pleasure first: he could give me oral for hours, he makes sure I get many orgasms etc. And he enjoys every second of it - he calls it the best way to express his love for me.
> 
> ...


When you get all you want and more then there is a strong possibility of getting spoilt - like the case of my wife... But now I have decided against that... and she will find out the different way... being a gentleman has its own risks sometimes... some women may take you for granted .

On the advise side - mix it up, try what works for you.... indulge, trust me if he starts getting the feeling of having been given the short end of the stick then the currnt feeling of yours may start feeling like a luxury !


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Ancient thread but I was glad I got to read it.

We don't often get to hear the story from a bait and switchers perspective.

She isn't malicious, just uninformed about sex.


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

I would not recommend denying him continually like this. It will not end well for you.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

wifewifewife said:


> You do make a good point, and I understand what you mean. I feel that way too sometimes. But it's a marriage, and for men, marriage means sex. So the men here just aren't going to get that, nor is your husband.


 I don't get it either and I am a woman!


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Marriage = Sex.

How often did you have sex with him while you were dating him?


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ladybird said:


> I don't get it either and I am a woman!


:iagree:

This is why I believe that it's important to know that our drives are compatible before marriage.

However, if I were LD (which I'm not), I can well imagine that it would be a chore having sex more frequently. Rather like having a small appetite but feeling continually obliged to eat when we're not hungry.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've already gave my long 2 cents on this thread.. but I'll add this...

I'd immediately divorce one with this attitude...* it would feel like a prison sentence*...

Ist I'd blow the roof off the house in frustration... then let the other know I'd be tempted to get it elsewhere.... so basically....I'd *need* my freedom ....to find another who lovingly thoroughly embraces and gets "high" from the intimacy (& sweet orgasms)... of marital LOVE.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

He is your husband / boyfriend and not messing around. He only wants to be with you.

If you had the HD and he had the LD (roles reversed), how would you feel now?

You should want to be with him, if not, why be with him?

Men are built on testosterone and that's why we have higher sex drives. You can't change that and if you do, men are miserable and eventually mess around.

I think the million dollar issue is, how to find out that your other half has a similar sex drive with fantasies, fetishes as yourself before you get married? That would solve almost all marriage issues. Imagine how low the divorce rate would be?

If you had a lot of wild sex before you got married, it should be the same or even more after you're married. Only times it might change, having kids and medical issues, otherwise, bait and switch, deceived.


----------



## so now what? (Apr 13, 2012)

we had sex every day .....then every other day...then once a week....now 20 years later maybe once a month.....:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're 25, young, in your prime and only want sex once a month.

Your hubby loves to please you for long periods of time, so it's not all about him.

Why are most women clueless about men and sex drives? Men are built on test, the sex hormone. Nothing else to understand.


Here's an idea:

Whenever he is in the mood, make the time for him

Whenever you're in the mood, he makes the time for you

If you're both in the mood, great

If you're both not in the mood, fine


Sex is not a chore. It should be enjoyable. If you only married him for emotional reasons, not physical (sex), then why did you waste his time and get married?


You can read up on how to enjoy and want sex more. Internet. E-Reader. Toys. Exercises. Supplements. Many options here. Or you can do nothing and eventually get divorced.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

marieJa said:


> Oh, we do have it 3-5 times a week. I love him, so I want to give it to him.
> 
> But it weighs on me - you high drive people have no idea how it feels to give your BODY half-unwillingly to ANYONE.
> 
> It feels awful.


I'm so late to this but...I know how it feels.

Sucks, doesn't it? 

I agree with a lot of the things the other posters have said but i want you to know, I do know how it feels.

It isn't fair to the marriage to have it all on your terms all the time but I know you aren't a bad person and I know you love him.

So I hope things are going better!


----------

