# The Angry Husband Rant



## Nik (Apr 21, 2013)

I'm new to the forum, please go easy on me!

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we are getting married this July. He's a really great guy, very sweet, caring, and selfless (most times). He would do anything to make sure I am taken care of-not that I need that-, but we do have one major problem:

His anger.

I know I'm not alone here when I say my fiance has a very short fuse and can explode at the most trivial things. Most recently, this morning, he went to the recreation center to swim (he's in the military; needs to stay in shape!), but came home 20 minutes later, slamming the door shut and throwing his things onto the bedroom floor. When I asked what happened he said the pool was full and no one would let him share a lap lane with them.
I get that this is frustrating and I really would be angry myself, but he took it to a whole other level. When I say he slams things around, I mean I'm surprised we don't have more holes in our walls and that our door is still on its hinge. Of course, I have every intent on leaving him alone when he's like this, but I can't stand his throwing of things and slamming doors. I try to tell him to calm down but he tells me not to talk to him. Fine. A few minutes later I go to get our dirty laundry to do and I had to ask if his PJ's needed washing (he will wear them for more than one day). He flipped out on me and yelled "I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK TO ME, DIDN'T I? WHAT PART OF THAT DON'T YOU GET?

This may not seem like such a big deal, but maybe it would help to have a brief overview of some other incidents. Last Thursday he flipped out on me because I accidentally parked in the driveway. We have 3 cars, his truck was in the other spot, and the car he was driving goes into the garage, which I mistakenly parked in front of, so he had no place to pull in. Of course I tried to explain to him that there were no spots on the street when I got home for me to pull in but that wasn't good enough. He did the yelling, slamming, throwing of things...broke our cabinet door. Really? I make a simple human mistake ONE TIME, and I get the Wrath? Once he barely spoke to me for two days because I cooked his breakfast 'the wrong way'. His argument for the times he gets angry with me is because I don't listen to what he tells me, to which I come back with "you speak to me as if I'm your subordinate. I do not take ORDERS. Try asking me normally." And when he does need his space when he's angry, I give it to him. But a lot of times he will come seek me out to complain about something I've done (ex: "Why does the litter box smell like ****? Why didn't you clean it?), I guess to make himself feel better. 

Here's a list of broken items to date: cabinet door, plastic storage bin, coffee table, hole in the wall, coffee pot.

When he's angry, he says mean things to me and doesn't realize it. He condescends me but doesn't think he does. My self worth then plummets. I do not let him see me cry when he's like this, whether its something I did or something that happened elsewhere. I do my crying when I'm alone, and believe me its a lot of crying. But please understand, 80% of the time we have a great relationship filled with love, fun, sex, and compassion for one another. But everyday I walk on eggshells. I pray almost everyday for him to have a good day at work because if he doesn't, watch out! If he asks me to do him a favor, I get so anxious because I feel I have to do it exactly right or I will get the Wrath. Ex: The other night he asked me to highlight a few things on his study papers, and I was so nervous that I would accidentally highlight just one wrong word, I worked myself up to make it perfect. I shouldn't have to do s*it like that. I'm afraid of what will happen when we have kids. Will he do this in front of them (he insists he won't)? Will they mimic his behavior and think its okay to act like this? Will they fear him? I'm sorry if I'm rambling but my thoughts are really all over the place right now. I guess what I'm asking for is advice on how to handle these temper tantrums. If you've been through this, I'm begging for advice. I would also love a guy's perspective as well.

Thanks for reading this ramble.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I predict anger management is in your near future, or you wont have much of a future.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

I wouldn't marry him.

You're already tip-toeing around him. 

He's already verbally abusing you


> But a lot of times he will come seek me out to complain about something I've done (ex: "Why does the litter box smell like ****? Why didn't you clean it?), I guess to make himself feel better.


People don't change after they get married. If anything, this kind of stuff gets worse. 

What kind of dad will he be? When your child makes a simple mistake (say fails to use the toilet correctly), will he gently correct them or tear them a new one? 

How long till he throws something at you instead of the wall?

As a father, will he be able to resist abusing his kids? Doubtful, but he probably won't call it that (because that's the way he was probably raised and he turned out OK--right).

Your future will definitely include verbal abuse of both yourself and your children. Possibly physical abuse.

Yea, one problem--one major problem.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is only going to get worse.

Please please please don't marry this man.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Nik said:


> But everyday I walk on eggshells. I pray almost everyday for him to have a good day at work because if he doesn't, watch out! If he asks me to do him a favor, I get so anxious because I feel I have to do it exactly right or I will get the Wrath. Ex: The other night he asked me to highlight a few things on his study papers, and I was so nervous that I would accidentally highlight just one wrong word, I worked myself up to make it perfect. I shouldn't have to do s*it like that. I'm afraid of what will happen when we have kids. Will he do this in front of them (he insists he won't)? Will they mimic his behavior and think its okay to act like this? Will they fear him? .


No need to worry. It's guaranteed. Without intervention these things get worse and the kids are going to not only suffer from abuse, but they will likely end up with behavioral disorders of their own. 

You are seeing him at his best right now. Once you are married and ESPECIALLY once you are tied down with kids and more dependent upon him then hey, get ready to be that battered woman who hid it from everyone up to the point of no return. 



> Here's a list of broken items to date: cabinet door, plastic storage bin, coffee table, hole in the wall, coffee pot.


Some abusive men do this just to terrorize their spouse while for others it is transferred eventually into battering the spouse directly. 

The physical abuse isn't really all that harmful by comparison to living in terror 24/7. You're going to look great with hollow, black eyes, lines on your face, gaunt and colorless features and the shell-shocked attitude that always comes with this.

Of course, if you started reading literature right now about abusive spouses then you would realize quickly how dire your situation is entering marriage with a person like this and it would even give you a chance at rescuing yourself before it is too late.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Um, he is not likely to change. If this is a deal breaker, you may want exit now.


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## Nik (Apr 21, 2013)

For clarity purposed let me state he has never hit me; has never even come close. I would have been gone a long time ago if I thought he would be capable of doing so. Okay, anyway:

Believe me, I've considered leaving. It has definitely crossed my mind.

I probably should share a little background info on him (not in any way excusing his behavior): He was raised in the Philippines (in a region known for terrorism) by his grandmother and 3 great-aunts. His mother left the country to come to America...she didn't bring him over until he was 18. His father was a married man who did not acknowledge his existence. All his life he was called a Bastard, worthless, and a sleu of other horrible things. So...monkey see, monkey do. Again, NO EXCUSE.

Believe it or not he was actually worse 3 years ago. He has made progress in controlling his anger. He has taken some anger management courses and has learned techniques that has helped him. Of course he had his moments throwing a tantrum (no one is perfect), but they were far and few in between and he always realized afterwards he shouldn't have done it. But in the last couple of months I've seen a spike in the # of outbursts. I don't know if it has to do with our wedding coming up, or the stress of his job right now, or whatever. I thank you for your replies, it does give me more to think about.

Side note: I actually was told by someone that men throwing temper tantrums like that is "perfectly normal" and its all about how -I- handle his tantrums that will help things be better. I looked at this person and said "are you f*cking kidding me?!" I see nothing normal about a grown man acting like a child.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If he's in the military, then he has access to counseling. He needs to go to anger management counseling immediately. I'm sure he won't want to, but don't ask him - tell him it's either counseling or you leave, period.

Learning how to deal with disappointment, learning how to deal with frustration, and learning how to control his anger is something that should have happened when he was a kid. Since it didn't, it's time he starts learning now. 

Don't marry him unless he goes to counseling and gets this under control. Just because he has a bad day doesn't mean you should accept being his verbal punching bag while your house becomes his literal punching bag. It only gets worse from there.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nik said:


> He's a really great guy, very sweet, caring, and selfless (most times). He would do anything to make sure I am taken care of-not that I need that-, but we do have one major problem:
> 
> His anger.
> 
> ...


I'll tell you what strikes me as so sad about this post: you are going to marry this man regardless of what anyone says. After all, you want advice on how to handle HIS temper tantrums. You are not responsible for his abusive, frightening, and violent behavior. But he's gotten you to buy into the fact that your are. Abusers do that. It's not their fault, after all. If you had only done this, or done that, or the planets were correctly aligned, then everything would be great.

So you are willing to put up with 80% heaven in order to endure 20% hell. Wait a few years. The percentages will change, and they won't be in your favor.

This isn't how a "great guy" behaves. I'm sorry you don't like what I'm telling you, but it is the truth. Sure people have bad days, get ticked off, and lose their tempers. But when someone is physically destroying stuff, it goes to a whole 'nother level.

Yes, your children will be messed up if they are regularly exposed to daddy's little temper tantrums. Yes, you will continue to walk on eggshells and have a sense of responsibility for his nasty temper. Yes, it will escalate unless he seeks professional help.

I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone here is going to tell you how to "handle" your fiance's temper. He owns that, not you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Nik said:


> I probably should share a little background info on him (not in any way excusing his behavior): He was raised in the Philippines (in a region known for terrorism) by his grandmother and 3 great-aunts. His mother left the country to come to America...she didn't bring him over until he was 18. His father was a married man who did not acknowledge his existence. All his life he was called a Bastard, worthless, and a sleu of other horrible things. So...monkey see, monkey do. Again, NO EXCUSE.


Yup. These disorders are generally picked up in childhood and the thing to understand about that is how deeply rooted they are and therefore what kind of committment both of you have to make in dealing with it.

I have a house on Mindanao next to the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao. There are five military/police checkpoints between our house and the central fish market. Let's see - the MILF blew up the bridge, our grocery store, an Easter parade, a dance club, assassinated an American on a Jeepney - oh and of course the Maguindanao Massacre in the province next door, still being adjudicated. If he is from Mindanao we have a personal understanding of what it is like there. This may or may not be relevant depending on how directly he has been affected by it or was involved in it. 



> Believe it or not he was actually worse 3 years ago. He has made progress in controlling his anger. He has taken some anger management courses and has learned techniques that has helped him. Of course he had his moments throwing a tantrum (no one is perfect), but they were far and few in between and he always realized afterwards he shouldn't have done it. But in the last couple of months I've seen a spike in the # of outbursts. I don't know if it has to do with our wedding coming up, or the stress of his job right now, or whatever.


This is somewhat promising, that he was willing to do courses, but he sounds like a person that is going to have life-long issues with this and you have to come to a better understanding of it yourself instead of marching into a marriage hoping for the best. This is a grave matter and exposing children to it is going to be a choice that you made and will always have to live with.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nik said:


> Believe it or not he was actually worse 3 years ago. He has made progress in controlling his anger. He has taken some anger management courses and has learned techniques that has helped him.
> 
> But in the last couple of months I've seen a spike in the # of outbursts. I don't know if it has to do with our wedding coming up, or the stress of his job right now, or whatever.
> 
> ... men throwing temper tantrums like that is "perfectly normal" and its all about how -I- handle his tantrums that will help things be better. I looked at this person and said "are you f*cking kidding me?!" I see nothing normal about a grown man acting like a child.


I apologize for my knee-jerk response. I was typing while you were posting this. At least he is making an effort to deal with his temper, but it sounds like stress is a real trigger. Unfortunately, we live in a stressful world. Sounds like more anger management classes are needed soon.

And you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders; after all, you realize that the bozo who told you temper tantrums are "perfectly normal" needed to have his/her head examined.

Do you think your fiance will be agreeable to some sort of counseling to learn how to better handle stress? Heck, he's in the military, he must have SOME idea how to handle stress! My husband spent 20 years in the Army, with three deployments to combat zones. He was trained to deal with stress, to say the least.

I really hope your fiance gets help before the wedding, because weddings are pretty stressful events.


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## reluctanthamster (Apr 21, 2013)

Honestly, I would proceed with extreme caution. My gut instinct is to run away. Run far away. Unless he is actively working on his reactions, unless he is expressing remorse for his reactions, unless he is fully admitting that what he is doing is not acceptable, this will not change. It will get worse. He will destroy your self-confidence, your sense of well-being. And god forbid you have any kids. He doesn't have to be a jerk all the time for him to reap the benefits of his outbursts. He's got you controlled all the time by over-reacting only a small percentage of the time. And that combo of loving fiancee and volatile loose cannon is extremely effective and incredibly damaging. He reels you in with love and pushes you away with anger. The cycle is incredibly hurtful, even more than if he was angry and destructive all the time. It's far easier to leave someone who is mean all the time. It's a lot easier to justify staying with someone who is "angry only part of the time." 

My gut feeling? Run. While you still can.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Nik, there is NO WAY that you should be marrying this guy. 80% isn't good enough. You could tell me that he is 99% great, but his horrible out of control anger is enough to overshadow the nicest parts of him.

You said it all when you said that you are walking on eggshells. He makes you cry, which you have to hide from him, because he'll belittle you all over again. You are scared of "screwing" up. You are scared of highlighting the wrong word? Believe me, if this is what you are scared and nervous about, and something he will blow a gasket over, you have no business marrying this guy.

Do not let your years together, or a planned wedding, or pressure from family, or whatever money has already been spent, convince you to marry this guy. It is very scary when you say, "this may not seem like such a big deal." To me, this means that you are trying to rationalize to yourself why you should not make a big deal out of it, or why it might be OK. Every single example in your post was a BIG DEAL. Not a single thing you mentioned is acceptable. He is verbally abusing you. You have to think - is this the man you want to be the father of your children.

That 20% will NOT make up for his violent temper and disgusting treatment of you. The whole house will be walking on eggshells, wondering what is going to set dad off today. Your family will leave in fear of his anger and no amount of baseball and trips and ice cream will make up for the fact that he is causing tremendous amount of pain. You can't cause pain, then be nice and think it's all OK again. A guy like this will leave scars, and I'm not so sure anger like his won't escalate into abuse.

Run for your life. Please see the writing on the wall. Don't think to yourself that things will change. That's what dating and living together is for. You deserve a lot better than this. His anger is a deal breaker. And when you tell him you are leaving and he promises to change, I wouldn't believe this until he's tested, with something pathetically challenging for him than any normal person would just be slightly hardly annoyed at.

If you stay with you, you need to see a therapist to understand why you think you deserve to be treated this way. If you marry him, your life will be a very sad, scared, and anxiety filled, and filled with regret for marrying a guy you knew was no good for you and no good to your precious kids.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Nik said:


> I'm new to the forum, please go easy on me!
> 
> I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years and we are getting married this July. He's a really great guy, very sweet, caring, and selfless (most times). He would do anything to make sure I am taken care of-not that I need that-, but we do have one major problem:
> 
> ...


You describe him as "a really great guy, very sweet......". Do you really feel in your heart, a man who tears up/breaks things due to his temper, and yells at you, is the one to MARRY? I know that you know the answer because you said ".....please go easy on me". You recognize it isn't right.

Do you feel it's ok for him to yell at you? I say look inside yourself to see why you feel like he's a prize, why you've stuck around for five years.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Nik said:


> For clarity purposed let me state he has never hit me; has never even come close. I would have been gone a long time ago if I thought he would be capable of doing so. Okay, anyway:
> 
> Believe me, I've considered leaving. It has definitely crossed my mind.
> 
> ...


He's from the Southern Philippines (Mindanao)? Was he personally exposed to terrorism? How long has he been in the U.S? I'm not sure how where he's from has anything to do with his anger.
It's common for children to be raised by grandmothers, aunts, etc. if a parent leaves the country in search of a better life. It takes years to bring family members (even children) into the U.S. Has he addressed his issues with his mother?

When you say "So...monkey see, monkey do. Again, NO EXCUSE.", do you realize you are making excuses for his behavior? Again, if you've tolerated even worse behavior from this guy, you have to look inside of yourself to see why you don't feel worthy of better.


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## Nik (Apr 21, 2013)

Sussieq said:


> He's from the Southern Philippines (Mindanao)? Was he personally exposed to terrorism? How long has he been in the U.S? I'm not sure how where he's from has anything to do with his anger.
> It's common for children to be raised by grandmothers, aunts, etc. if a parent leaves the country in search of a better life. It takes years to bring family members (even children) into the U.S. Has he addressed his issues with his mother?
> 
> When you say "So...monkey see, monkey do. Again, NO EXCUSE.", do you realize you are making excuses for his behavior? Again, if you've tolerated even worse behavior from this guy, you have to look inside of yourself to see why you don't feel worthy of better.


He is from Basilan and was exposed to the violence his whole life there. His mother is a *****, straight up. And yes, he has tried many times to address his issues with her, but she doesn't acknowledge anything is wrong so nothing gets resolved.

And yes, he has been trying hard to improve himself with regards to his anger. I think someone asked me about hiding my crying so that he doesn't taunt me about it (something to that affect), sorry I didn't quote you: it's not that he will taunt or belittle me for crying, I don't want him seeing it as "weakness." It's the way I've always been; I don't like crying in front of anyone because I don't want them seeing me that vulnerable. Just wanted to clarify that.
Anyway, I really am taking what everyone is saying seriously, please don't think I'm not. Leaving is something I have considered recently. If I do, it's not like I can just pack up and go (money issues and the nearest family to me is 400 miles away). It would take a little more time than that.
For anyone's interest, he has apologized for his outburst and has fixed the cabinet door. I was very brief with him, but told him I'm still angry at him and I needed time to myself. He said okay and I left it at that.
Sorry took me a while to respond, I needed to get some work done.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Please leave him, it will be a lot easier now than when you are married. He can and will start to hurt you once you are his wife and he knows it. If he promises to change still leave have him prove it but at a distance before you consider dating him again. I would at least give him a year to work on himself. Although to change that behavior you are looking at 2-5 years of therapy. Please don't become a statistic you are worth so much more. Imagine living a life with someone who loved you and respects you. No longer having to worry about him getting mad. Also someone who can do his own homework!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

I am going to give you advice from someone who has dealt with the very same thing for 25 years....me. DO NOT marry this man. He WILL NOT change. My husband started out just like this. The night we got engaged, he threw a dresser drawer at my head. I ducked and it got embedded in the wall. Like an idiot, I married him anyway. After 23 years of marriage, he has calmed down a bit, but is numb. He used to blow up and then apologize profusely. Now, he just says mean things, puts me down or stops speaking to me. Then, he never apologizes and will turn everything around to be my fault. My Dad just died and he was cold as ice to me until I told him for about the 20th time how much it hurt me. We talked and everything was great until this past Sunday. He flipped out on me because I told him my daughter was still getting wrong number calls on her phone. He said "why haven't you taken care of this? It's been going on for a year (a month) and you're just gonna wait until someone kidnaps her and puts her in a prostitution ring or rapes and murders her before you care?" Well, first of all, I have been doing a lot to try to stop it. It was all so stupid. Yesterday I told him I was leaving because he had been so horrible all day Sunday, sending me a ****load of mean texts. I really thought we were on the right track, but should have known better. He'll never change. Now I have no way to support me and our four kids, so I have no choice but to stay. Last night he kicked our dog because he didn't go upstairs fast enough. He bullies everyone with his temper. He always expects to have everything the way he wants it and we better all obey and get out of his way. I love my kids, but if I could have seen the future, I never would have married him. Every holiday, birthday, Christmas, vacation, trip, etc has been ruined by him. When I think back to a particular event or look at the pictures, all I can think about is why I was depressed (what he said or did) for that occasion. I am always a nervous wreck and now it is affecting my health. My self esteem is zero, my stress and nerves are at a breaking point and my kids are miserable. Run for the hills! I know it'll be painful at first, but trust me, you can never imagine the tremendous emotional pain you will have for years like me.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

By the way, my husband's mother was and still is very abusive. Still, he's almost 50 years old. Time to take responsibility for his actions.


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