# Am I Right to Assume Wife is Having Emotional Affair



## and-wil

Hello. Straight to the point: I have a suspicion that my wife is having an emotional affair, but have no proof and am unsure if I am being unreasonable. All I am going by is her actions, the biggest being lying to me about talking to another man. Found this out when one night she made an excuse to stay up past me falling asleep and I awoke to her on our home phone talking to someone. Walked into the laundry room and asked who it was; she says it was one of her girlfriends. This happens a few times where she claims she is talking to this particular girlfriend of hers. Let me also say that this is coming after a few months of her acting very secretive and protective of her cellphone, which was something that had raised my suspicions before these phone calls started.

The way she had been calling had seemed very suspicious to me, so I obtain the phone number she had been dialing and do a reverse phone lookup. The name that comes is a man's name. Not definitive proof of anything, those reverse phone sites aren't always accurate. So I call the number using a phone that doesn't belong to me to stay anonymous. Lo and behold she has been lying to me and it actually is this guy that she is calling. I have no idea who he is. Some digging shows that he lives in another state than us. I have no reason to believe that anything physical is happening.

So I confront her with the fact I know she is lying about talking to this guy. I also outline all the ways she has started acting suspicious with her cell phone. Such as:

Changing passwords multiple times so that I no longer have access to it
Phone now never leaves her person, to the point that she sleeps with it under her pillow
Won't even let me borrow the phone to use; i.e. once at the store, left my phone in the car and asked if I could use hers to look up some info before buying a product. She refused and made me walk all the way back to the car to get my phone. I used to be able to borrow her phone.
Checking her phone in the middle of the night
Spends almost all of her free time on the phone
Immediately closes Facebook Messenger whenever I walk in the room
Of course she has an excuse for everything I bring up, but most of them don't hold water in my eyes. Her reason for lying to me about talking to a guy was that she had been in an abusive relationship in the past and was afraid how I would take it. I have never been aggressive with her in any way. 

Cut to the finale: I tell her how I feel like I can no longer trust her and how all of her actions make it seem like she is hiding something from me that she knows to be wrong. And she agrees with me on this point, that she can see why I would be suspicious. So I ask her if she would be willing to actually show me that nothing is going on by allowing me to look at her conversations with this guy on Facebook Messenger. And she refuses. Sirens are blaring in my head at this point, RED ALERT!! I reiterate to her that this doesn't make her look good, and that I am going to have to assume the worst at this point. She still refuses. Citing that her friend had confided personal information and that she didn't want to break their trust.

Am I being unreasonable in interpreting all of these signs as being indicative that she is having an emotional affair. I am really struggling to see it any other way, but I have no actual proof that she has been having inappropriate conversations with this guy.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

and-wil said:


> Hello. Straight to the point: I have a suspicion that my wife is having an emotional affair, but have no proof and am unsure if I am being unreasonable. All I am going by is her actions, the biggest being lying to me about talking to another man. Found this out when one night she made an excuse to stay up past me falling asleep and I awoke to her on our home phone talking to someone. Walked into the laundry room and asked who it was; she says it was one of her girlfriends. This happens a few times where she claims she is talking to this particular girlfriend of hers. Let me also say that this is coming after a few months of her acting very secretive and protective of her cellphone, which was something that had raised my suspicions before these phone calls started.
> 
> The way she had been calling had seemed very suspicious to me, so I obtain the phone number she had been dialing and do a reverse phone lookup. The name that comes is a man's name. Not definitive proof of anything, those reverse phone sites aren't always accurate. So I call the number using a phone that doesn't belong to me to stay anonymous. Lo and behold she has been lying to me and it actually is this guy that she is calling. I have no idea who he is. Some digging shows that he lives in another state than us. I have no reason to believe that anything physical is happening.
> 
> So I confront her with the fact I know she is lying about talking to this guy. I also outline all the ways she has started acting suspicious with her cell phone. Such as:
> 
> Changing passwords multiple times so that I no longer have access to it
> Phone now never leaves her person, to the point that she sleeps with it under her pillow
> Won't even let me borrow the phone to use; i.e. once at the store, left my phone in the car and asked if I could use hers to look up some info before buying a product. She refused and made me walk all the way back to the car to get my phone. I used to be able to borrow her phone.
> Checking her phone in the middle of the night
> Spends almost all of her free time on the phone
> Immediately closes Facebook Messenger whenever I walk in the room
> Of course she has an excuse for everything I bring up, but most of them don't hold water in my eyes. Her reason for lying to me about talking to a guy was that she had been in an abusive relationship in the past and was afraid how I would take it. I have never been aggressive with her in any way.
> 
> Cut to the finale: I tell her how I feel like I can no longer trust her and how all of her actions make it seem like she is hiding something from me that she knows to be wrong. And she agrees with me on this point, that she can see why I would be suspicious. So I ask her if she would be willing to actually show me that nothing is going on by allowing me to look at her conversations with this guy on Facebook Messenger. And she refuses. Sirens are blaring in my head at this point, RED ALERT!! I reiterate to her that this doesn't make her look good, and that I am going to have to assume the worst at this point. She still refuses. Citing that her friend had confided personal information and that she didn't want to break their trust.
> 
> Am I being unreasonable in interpreting all of these signs as being indicative that she is having an emotional affair. I am really struggling to see it any other way, but I have no actual proof that she has been having inappropriate conversations with this guy.


@and-wil I think you are nailing this. You nailed it on the red flags, and FB messenger refusal is a nail in the coffin. Now of course, she will delete all the damning evidence and let you see it. Don’t fall for that BS.

As far as proof… you need only prove it to yourself. When you’re convinced That’s all you need. Hard evidence can be elusive. She clearly is having an affair. It’s time for you to seek a lawyer’s counsel. If your wife wants to prove she is not doing anything wrong then let her try. But that evidence is overwhelming. She won’t be able to prove she is faithful because she’s not.

Time to detach OP and do the needful. I’m sorry you’re here with this.


----------



## Beach123

So she has more than a ton of bad/cheaters behavior… do you just plan to stand there and do nothing?
What are YOU planning to do?
Because at this point - she knows that you’ve found out yet she just keeps cheating…
What consequences will she have?


----------



## Andy1001

Try and find out some more information about her boyfriend. If he’s married let his wife know what’s going on. Also maybe take to a lawyer about how you would fare if you divorced your cheating wife.


----------



## re16

Sorry you are here.

Confronting without full evidence was a mistake, she will now delete / hide everything.

The fact that she is overtly making such an attempt to have secrets with this person is a huge problem.

This is likely a physical affair already.

You have enough red flags already, that this should be a deal breaker.... but often times, people feel the need to find the smoking gun.

If so, you need to wait until she has the phone unlocked, and just take it and go to a room and lock the door and look through it.

When they are in the fog of emotions / hormones from the affair, reason does not exist... be prepared for crazy gaslighting, blame shifiting, and re-writing of history of your marriage so she can justify what she is doing in her mind.

If you don't have kids, and your wife is intentionally and overtly deceitful to you, you should exit stage left....


----------



## Captain Obvious

It’s not a question of whether she is cheating or not, it’s what are you going to do about her cheating on you?


----------



## Evinrude58

Ayes your wife is having an affair. The only thing that I have seen that EVER works is the nuclear option of filing for divorce and blowing up her life. Divorce can be stopped at any time if you feel she’s really changed her feelings toward you rather than fearing losing her comfortable life with you. Of you do not give harsh life changing consequences, you ma stay married for a while but she won’t love you like she once did. Now is the time to act like a man that is worth being faithful to. Don’t show weakness, don’t show fear, don’t show her anything other than a man who doesn’t tolerate a cheating wife, or a cheater she will remain.


----------



## ABHale

and-wil said:


> Hello. Straight to the point: I have a suspicion that my wife is having an emotional affair, but have no proof and am unsure if I am being unreasonable. All I am going by is her actions, the biggest being lying to me about talking to another man. Found this out when one night she made an excuse to stay up past me falling asleep and I awoke to her on our home phone talking to someone. Walked into the laundry room and asked who it was; she says it was one of her girlfriends. This happens a few times where she claims she is talking to this particular girlfriend of hers. Let me also say that this is coming after a few months of her acting very secretive and protective of her cellphone, which was something that had raised my suspicions before these phone calls started.
> 
> The way she had been calling had seemed very suspicious to me, so I obtain the phone number she had been dialing and do a reverse phone lookup. The name that comes is a man's name. Not definitive proof of anything, those reverse phone sites aren't always accurate. So I call the number using a phone that doesn't belong to me to stay anonymous. Lo and behold she has been lying to me and it actually is this guy that she is calling. I have no idea who he is. Some digging shows that he lives in another state than us. I have no reason to believe that anything physical is happening.
> 
> So I confront her with the fact I know she is lying about talking to this guy. I also outline all the ways she has started acting suspicious with her cell phone. Such as:
> 
> Changing passwords multiple times so that I no longer have access to it
> Phone now never leaves her person, to the point that she sleeps with it under her pillow
> Won't even let me borrow the phone to use; i.e. once at the store, left my phone in the car and asked if I could use hers to look up some info before buying a product. She refused and made me walk all the way back to the car to get my phone. I used to be able to borrow her phone.
> Checking her phone in the middle of the night
> Spends almost all of her free time on the phone
> Immediately closes Facebook Messenger whenever I walk in the room
> Of course she has an excuse for everything I bring up, but most of them don't hold water in my eyes. Her reason for lying to me about talking to a guy was that she had been in an abusive relationship in the past and was afraid how I would take it. I have never been aggressive with her in any way.
> 
> Cut to the finale: I tell her how I feel like I can no longer trust her and how all of her actions make it seem like she is hiding something from me that she knows to be wrong. And she agrees with me on this point, that she can see why I would be suspicious. So I ask her if she would be willing to actually show me that nothing is going on by allowing me to look at her conversations with this guy on Facebook Messenger. And she refuses. Sirens are blaring in my head at this point, RED ALERT!! I reiterate to her that this doesn't make her look good, and that I am going to have to assume the worst at this point. She still refuses. Citing that her friend had confided personal information and that she didn't want to break their trust.
> 
> Am I being unreasonable in interpreting all of these signs as being indicative that she is having an emotional affair. I am really struggling to see it any other way, but I have no actual proof that she has been having inappropriate conversations with this guy.


She doesn’t want to break trust with this guy but is willing to ruin your marriage over it.

That tells you everything you need to know.

Read the 180 and do it.

Talk with a lawyer to find out what a divorce will look like.

Server her with divorce papers. This will show her you are serious about not putting up with this. It will also trigger her reaction and show you how she really feels about you and the marriage.

A divorce can be stopped any time if you think she is worth staying with.


----------



## Benbutton

Are you right to assume? If the affair came up and kicked you in the nuts would you believe it then?? Stop doubting yourself, you know she's feeding you a line of shyt.


----------



## and-wil

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @and-wil I think you are nailing this. You nailed it on the red flags, and FB messenger refusal is a nail in the coffin. Now of course, she will delete all the damning evidence and let you see it. Don’t fall for that BS.
> 
> As far as proof… you need only prove it to yourself. When you’re convinced That’s all you need. Hard evidence can be elusive. She clearly is having an affair. It’s time for you to seek a lawyer’s counsel. If your wife wants to prove she is not doing anything wrong then let her try. But that evidence is overwhelming. She won’t be able to prove she is faithful because she’s not.
> 
> Time to detach OP and do the needful. I’m sorry you’re here with this.


I appreciate your response. Agreed with the FB refusal being the final nail in the coffin. I told her that was her one and only chance to come clean, since I would assume that she will just go and delete any evidence after our conversation. I don't really need anymore evidence than her actions at this point. 

First marriage, first time dealing with a situation like this. I wasn't sure if I was being unjustifiably accusatory and ending this marriage over my own insecurities. Sounds like that is not the case.


----------



## Sfort

and-wil said:


> I appreciate your response. Agreed with the FB refusal being the final nail in the coffin. I told her that was her one and only chance to come clean, since I would assume that she will just go and delete any evidence after our conversation. I don't really need anymore evidence than her actions at this point.
> 
> First marriage, first time dealing with a situation like this. I wasn't sure if I was being unjustifiably accusatory and ending this marriage over my own insecurities. Sounds like that is not the case.


It's actually quite insulting that she would do those secretive things when there is even a CHANCE of you seeing what's going on. Just one of the red flags you mentioned is evidence enough of cheating. She loses on multiple levels.


----------



## and-wil

Beach123 said:


> So she has more than a ton of bad/cheaters behavior… do you just plan to stand there and do nothing?
> What are YOU planning to do?
> Because at this point - she knows that you’ve found out yet she just keeps cheating…
> What consequences will she have?


You are right. Letting this go will just embolden her to keep doing it. I need to stand up for myself or she will just look down on me and continue to manipulate and lie. I gave her the opportunity to own up to her actions and be transparent. She was unwilling. The only other option that I see is to walk away from this marriage. Thank you for taking the time to respond.


----------



## and-wil

Andy1001 said:


> Try and find out some more information about her boyfriend. If he’s married let his wife know what’s going on. Also maybe take to a lawyer about how you would fare if you divorced your cheating wife.


Actually did do some digging and found a little bit on him. He some guy about 15 years her elder. Single it looks like. Wanna be rocker with a criminal history of drug possession. She claims that she messages this guy every other day, which still seems a bit excessive to me for a supposedly platonic relationship.

I have been looking for referrals for lawyers near me. We have been married for less than two years, so I am hoping that she wouldn't be entitled to too much if she did decide to make the process difficult.


----------



## Rob_1

and-wil said:


> So I ask her if she would be willing to actually show me that nothing is going on by allowing me to look at her conversations with this guy on Facebook Messenger.


Right there and them was your answer, and the time to had tell her either you show me the conversations or this marriage is over. 

By now she destroyed all evidence, and you can't no longer ever trust her. I can't see how you can stay any longer in this relationship. As ****ed up and drastic this may sound, for all intended purposes there is not other way, but split. I'm sorry to be this realistic.


----------



## Evinrude58

and-wil said:


> Actually did do some digging and found a little bit on him. He some guy about 15 years her elder. Single it looks like. Wanna be rocker with a criminal history of drug possession. She claims that she messages this guy every other day, which still seems a bit excessive to me for a supposedly platonic relationship.
> 
> I have been looking for referrals for lawyers near me. We have been married for less than two years, so I am hoping that she wouldn't be entitled to too much if she did decide to make the process difficult.


Married less than two years and no kids together?? You are really acting wisely to end this marriage. When she refused to show you the messages, there was nothing more to say to her. Staying with her and starting a family with this timebomb would be crazy.
Very sorry


----------



## Wolfman1968

and-wil said:


> Am I being unreasonable in interpreting all of these signs as being indicative that she is having an emotional affair. I am really struggling to see it any other way, but I have no actual proof that she has been having inappropriate conversations with this guy.


NO, you are NOT being unreasonable in the least. 

And if she tries to gaslight you about what is going on, just remember---and say to her---that her secrecy and dishonest alone are a violation of the marriage and shows that she has prioritized him over you. That's undeniable regardless of what she confesses to, or does not confess to. That dishonesty and transfer of loyalties ALONE are enough to end the relationship.

And, by the way, the transferring of loyalties to the other guy is part of what defines a severe Emotional Affair. He became more important than you.


----------



## RebuildingMe

and-wil said:


> Actually did do some digging and found a little bit on him. He some guy about 15 years her elder. Single it looks like. Wanna be rocker with a criminal history of drug possession. She claims that she messages this guy every other day, which still seems a bit excessive to me for a supposedly platonic relationship.
> 
> I have been looking for referrals for lawyers near me. We have been married for less than two years, so I am hoping that she wouldn't be entitled to too much if she did decide to make the process difficult.


How did she meet this dirtbag? Or is she holding that as “confidential information” also?


----------



## Personal

and-wil said:


> She still refuses. Citing that her friend had confided personal information and that she didn't want to break their trust.


That right there, ought to be enough for you to afford her a sorely needed divorce.


----------



## Melinda82

It definitely looks like an EA. But if you want some more solid evidence, you could try a VAR in the laundry room.


----------



## Jimi007

I think your wife needs a reality check...
Be blunt , it's either our marriage or hand over the phone and your Facebook messenger passwords. ( I'm sure it's all been deleted now )
Ìf she won't do that , then I guess you have your answer. 

You definitely confronted too soon. It will now be taken underground .

You could also message this guy yourself on FB messenger and ask him what his intentions are with your wife. Don't threaten him though. That will come back to bite u in the ass


----------



## Young at Heart

and-wil said:


> Actually did do some digging and found a little bit on him. He some guy about 15 years her elder. Single it looks like. Wanna be rocker with a criminal history of drug possession. She claims that she messages this guy every other day, which still seems a bit excessive to me for a supposedly platonic relationship.
> 
> I have been looking for referrals for lawyers near me. We have been married for less than two years, so I am hoping that she wouldn't be entitled to too much if she did decide to make the process difficult.


Unfortunately, she seems more interested in not betraying any confidences this other guy shared with her than proving her commitment to her marriage to you. In theory, just a couple years ago she made a lifetime commitment to you and to being married to you. Her actions speak volumes about how little that commitment to marriage really was.

You have every right to assume an EA, since you have found out a lot and she has refused to open up and be truthful with you. You are lucky to have learned her true nature this early in your relationship. You need to be able to trust your spouse with your life, your money, and your dreams. She doesn't seem trustworthy.

Now the issue for you is how do you learn from this experience. How do you turn the hurt into healing and wisdom so that your next relationship will be better. The most important lesson you can learn is in how to better examine a woman and her ethics, honesty, and commitment.

Good luck.


----------



## Beach123

You gave her a chance for honesty. She failed.
It’s not just an emotional affair. You seriously don’t want to stay married to someone that doesn’t act faithful after just two years of being married.
She’s definitely showing signs of a full blown affair.
since she’s treating you with disrespect just divorce her. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache since she doesn’t seem too worried about your feelings.


----------



## Andy1001

and-wil said:


> Actually did do some digging and found a little bit on him. He some guy about 15 years her elder. Single it looks like. Wanna be rocker with a criminal history of drug possession. She claims that she messages this guy every other day, which still seems a bit excessive to me for a supposedly platonic relationship.
> 
> I have been looking for referrals for lawyers near me. We have been married for less than two years, so I am hoping that she wouldn't be entitled to too much if she did decide to make the process difficult.


When she put her loyalty to her boyfriend ahead of her loyalty to you that was the end of your marriage. I would like to know how long she knows this guy and where they met. He may have been on the scene a lot longer and a lot more often than you think because these guys don’t hang around if they’re not getting sex.


----------



## Marc878

and-wil said:


> Actually did do some digging and found a little bit on him. He some guy about 15 years her elder. Single it looks like. Wanna be rocker with a criminal history of drug possession. She claims that she messages this guy every other day, which still seems a bit excessive to me for a supposedly platonic relationship.
> 
> I have been looking for referrals for lawyers near me. We have been married for less than two years, so I am hoping that she wouldn't be entitled to too much if she did decide to make the process difficult.


There is nothing here to save. She should still be in the honeymoon stage. Let her go now. You shouldn’t have married her in the first place. Zero contact is your best path. Talk will just keep you entangled.
If you stay in this you’ll regret it.
You can only be a chump if you allow it.


----------



## and-wil

re16 said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> Confronting without full evidence was a mistake, she will now delete / hide everything.
> 
> The fact that she is overtly making such an attempt to have secrets with this person is a huge problem.
> 
> This is likely a physical affair already.
> 
> You have enough red flags already, that this should be a deal breaker.... but often times, people feel the need to find the smoking gun.
> 
> If so, you need to wait until she has the phone unlocked, and just take it and go to a room and lock the door and look through it.
> 
> When they are in the fog of emotions / hormones from the affair, reason does not exist... be prepared for crazy gaslighting, blame shifiting, and re-writing of history of your marriage so she can justify what she is doing in her mind.
> 
> If you don't have kids, and your wife is intentionally and overtly deceitful to you, you should exit stage left....


Agreed. The time for being open has passed. There definitely was a lot of, what seemed to me, attempted manipulation to excuse her actions and justify why she should be able to keep her conversations private. And it continues with her now acting all affectionate and wanting to work past this. She even claims that she cut off contact with this person. I have no reason to believe any of what she says is true. She is self-preservation mode now and is trying to not lose her current lifestyle. I can see through it all and I deserve better than that. It is time to leave.


----------



## and-wil

ABHale said:


> She doesn’t want to break trust with this guy but is willing to ruin your marriage over it.
> 
> That tells you everything you need to know.
> 
> Ya, that was really the breaking point for me, where I could no longer excuse her actions as anything other than her having no respect for me or this marriage. Thank you for the reading suggestion. I will definitely look into the 180 and proceed accordingly.


----------



## and-wil

Benbutton said:


> Are you right to assume? If the affair came up and kicked you in the nuts would you believe it then?? Stop doubting yourself, you know she's feeding you a line of shyt.


Thanks for the blunt response. You are 100% correct. The answer to all of my questions is staring me right in the face. I don't need anymore proof. Time to grow a spine and do what needs to be done.


----------



## and-wil

Wolfman1968 said:


> NO, you are NOT being unreasonable in the least.
> 
> And if she tries to gaslight you about what is going on, just remember---and say to her---that her secrecy and dishonest alone are a violation of the marriage and shows that she has prioritized him over you. That's undeniable regardless of what she confesses to, or does not confess to. That dishonesty and transfer of loyalties ALONE are enough to end the relationship.
> 
> And, by the way, the transferring of loyalties to the other guy is part of what defines a severe Emotional Affair. He became more important than you.


You are 100% correct with your last point. I explicitly explained that to her when I confronted her. I told her she could either be transparent or risk losing her marriage. She refused to be transparent. I told her I take that as her choosing this guy over me. Of course she said that wasn't the case (it was). It is clear that I am not her priority. Thank you for the support.


----------



## and-wil

RebuildingMe said:


> How did she meet this dirtbag? Or is she holding that as “confidential information” also?


She told me that they met several years ago near her hometown and that they have been in contact off and on through the years. She claims they are "just friends". What their actual history is together, I have no idea.


----------



## and-wil

Jimi007 said:


> I think your wife needs a reality check...
> Be blunt , it's either our marriage or hand over the phone and your Facebook messenger passwords. ( I'm sure it's all been deleted now )
> Ìf she won't do that , then I guess you have your answer.
> 
> You definitely confronted too soon. It will now be taken underground .
> 
> You could also message this guy yourself on FB messenger and ask him what his intentions are with your wife. Don't threaten him though. That will come back to bite u in the ass


Ya, I gave her the option of our marriage or secrets with this guy when I confronted her. She chose secrets and told me "do what I need to do". No other option than to follow through with ending the marriage at this point. I am still taken aback by the disregard by her of our marriage and still trying to wrap my head around it all.


----------



## and-wil

Just want to thank everyone for their input and support. It is now clear to me that their is really no marriage left to salvage. I no longer trust her and she is unwilling to take the necessary steps to even begin to gain my trust back. I am unwilling to live in that kind of marriage and have decided that it is best that we go our separate ways. Thanks again for providing the support and confidence I needed to move forward with my decision.


----------



## Zedd

and-wil said:


> You are 100% correct with your last point. I explicitly explained that to her when I confronted her. I told her she could either be transparent or risk losing her marriage. She refused to be transparent. I told her I take that as her choosing this guy over me. Of course she said that wasn't the case (it was). It is clear that I am not her priority. Thank you for the support.


I don't have much to say other than - Well done.


----------



## Benbutton

It sucks to be in your position, but you have an opportunity to begin your healing now instead of delaying it further. At this point I don't think I'd be much for second chances either, you gave her ample opportunity and she made her decision. You will realize there is much better out there and when you do, you won't even think of her.


----------



## Andy1001

and-wil said:


> She told me that they met several years ago near her hometown and that they have been in contact off and on through the years. She claims they are "just friends". What their actual history is together, I have no idea.


This is what I thought when I asked you how long they knew each other. 
You are basically her meal ticket. She knows that the other guy can’t give her the lifestyle or the feelings of respectability that being married to you does but she can’t give him up. 
She’s definitely not a good prospect for a wife.


----------



## Benbutton

Andy1001 said:


> She’s definitely not a good prospect for a wife.


Yep!! Next!!


----------



## Evinrude58

“Do what you need to do”.
Wow.

she doesn’t even care. I’d follow her suggestion as you are doing. Most men aren’t decisive like you are. You’ll be fine.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

and-wil said:


> Just want to thank everyone for their input and support. It is now clear to me that their is really no marriage left to salvage. I no longer trust her and she is unwilling to take the necessary steps to even begin to gain my trust back. I am unwilling to live in that kind of marriage and have decided that it is best that we go our separate ways. Thanks again for providing the support and confidence I needed to move forward with my decision.


Sorry you find yourself in this position, but this is what you need to do. She just isn't marriage material if she doesn't immediately put the marriage above all else. Nothing is so confidential that it isn't shared between spouses.


----------



## re16

and-wil said:


> I no longer trust her and she is unwilling to take the necessary steps to even begin to gain my trust back.


The fact that she wants to move on without fessing up, means that there is no chance for reconciliation. You are making the right move... she has shown you who she is with her actions.

She will try to love bomb you etc... don't fall for it... stick with your plan... or prepare for further rounds of pain.


----------



## and-wil

re16 said:


> The fact that she wants to move on without fessing up, means that there is no chance for reconciliation. You are making the right move... she has shown you who she is with her actions.
> 
> She will try to love bomb you etc... don't fall for it... stick with your plan... or prepare for further rounds of pain.


You nailed it with the last point. She is currently acting super affectionate toward me, like our conversation never happened. Also trying to play the victim, saying how she stopped contact with the OM and lost a friend for our marriage and that if I loved her I would try to make it work. Not falling for it. Way too little, way too late.


----------



## BeyondRepair007

and-wil said:


> Not falling for it. Way too little, way too late.


Good. Don't fall for it.
That's not what remorse looks like.
She's still blaming you for "losing a friend" 🤮


----------



## sideways

Evinrude58 said:


> “Do what you need to do”.
> Wow.
> 
> she doesn’t even care. I’d follow her suggestion as you are doing. Most men aren’t decisive like you are. You’ll be fine.


Exactly "WOW".

So OP "Do what you need to do". Do it and don't look back!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

and-wil said:


> Ya, I gave her the option of our marriage or secrets with this guy when I confronted her. She chose secrets and told me "do what I need to do". No other option than to follow through with ending the marriage at this point. I am still taken aback by the disregard by her of our marriage and still trying to wrap my head around it all.


There is no way she’s giving up her “friend”. He is the fallback option for her when things go south with you. They often always have a fallback plan, sometimes multiple ones.


----------



## Beach123

How about SHE leaves - since she is the one betraying you/the marriage?
When she says no - remind her that she has been keeping secrets and is unwilling to give up lover boy.
She had her chance to repair the damage she caused - now it time to put things into action so SHE is the one with the consequences.
In fact, I’d pack her a bag - put it by the front door - and tonight tell her to get out and give you her key since she wouldn’t give you her phone.
Tell her this is your way of “doing what you need to do”!


----------



## ABHale

Watch for her to start spreading lies about what is going on. Don’t let her ruin your name.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

ABHale said:


> Watch for her to start spreading lies about what is going on. Don’t let her ruin your name.


The lies of the devious take flight while the fair-minded sit on the truth and the story first heard is the story believed. Lies fill the void left if there is a vacuum of truth.


----------



## hamadryad

Think about it this way.....

You want to fact find, investigate, whatever??....What good will it do? Even if she said she was sorry and dumped this guy, it won't really matter....*She moved on from you*....period...She'll probably be miserable, and you won't ever trust her...Remember the movie Casino?? Well..You are the Ace and he is the Lester DIamond, and she is the Sharon Stone..

Don't waste your time with all the why, and what bouts..You want transparency? well, you already have it...There is nothing to see.....It won't make any difference in the end...If you feel like you need some pound of flesh, so be it, but be aware, it won't change anything...

You have no kids and no legacy with this woman...The only reason she hasn't dropped you like a rock, is probably because this other guy doesn't have the means to give her the security she wants, so that's what you have..

Get your ducks in a row and start the process of grieving and moving on with your life...Thank God you don't have kids...


----------



## Marc878

and-wil said:


> You are 100% correct with your last point. I explicitly explained that to her when I confronted her. I told her she could either be transparent or risk losing her marriage. She refused to be transparent. I told her I take that as her choosing this guy over me. Of course she said that wasn't the case (it was). It is clear that I am not her priority. Thank you for the support.


She was banking on you being a doormat. You can only be a chump if you allow it.


----------



## Marc878

The best path for you is stop talking and take action. All the talk just keeps you entangled in this web of deceit.
No contact is your new best friend.


----------



## Beach123

Marc878 said:


> The best path for you is stop talking and take action. All the talk just keeps you entangled in this web of deceit.
> No contact is your new best friend.


after you get her to move out - that is…
She wants the life with her OM in it? Then she needs to leave now!
Consequences immediately are crucial! Otherwise she gets a clear idea you will take NO action to change a thing.


----------



## hamadryad

Beach123 said:


> after you get her to move out - that is…
> She wants the life with her OM in it? Then she needs to leave now!
> Consequences immediately are crucial! Otherwise she gets a clear idea you will take NO action to change a thing.


I don't know what the laws are in the state he's in, but in most cases you can't force someone to leave a marital home. . A court order is required and it's usually given when domestic violence involved.


----------



## Landofblue

He is more than just a friend and she is minimizing and gaslighting you. Yes move on. Spouses come first no matter what. 

My wife and I are each other’s priorities and we tell people don’t tell me anything you dont want my spouse to know because we tell each other everything.


----------



## BoSlander

@And-will Has she tried to emotionally try to convince you that nothing is going on to the point that she tells you that she can't believe that you can think she is cheating? Or that you can think that she can be cheating on you? Or has she been emphatically trying to make the point that she has known you for X years and has always been faithful to you for those X years?

See, hiding behind X years of accumulated trust without being open to inquiry is something only a cheater does. If your significant other accuses you of taking drugs, you prove your point by doing everything in your power to prove the opposite by submitting to whatever he/she asks you to do. In the case of cheaters, they WILL NOT submit to inquiry.


----------



## Welsh15

and-wil said:


> You nailed it with the last point. She is currently acting super affectionate toward me, like our conversation never happened. Also trying to play the victim, saying how she stopped contact with the OM and lost a friend for our marriage and that if I loved her I would try to make it work. Not falling for it. Way too little, way too late.


total cheater manipulation


----------



## Robert22205

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's behavior is a big fail.

Therefore, under the circumstances that she herself created, it's reasonable for you to assume that she committed adultery. 

And, under these circumstances, it's her job to prove she's been faithful. 

She should be doing back flips to prove she's been faithful (including taking a polygraph test).

Judge her by her behavior (not her words or promises).


----------



## and-wil

Robert22205 said:


> Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's behavior is a big fail.
> 
> Therefore, under the circumstances that she herself created, it's reasonable for you to assume that she committed adultery.
> 
> And, under these circumstances, it's her job to prove she's been faithful.
> 
> She should be doing back flips to prove she's been faithful (including taking a polygraph test).
> 
> Judge her by her behavior (not her words or promises).


No attempt on her end to try to bring me peace of mind. Only act like our conversation never happened and say that she wants to work on our marriage.

I am still in the same place mentally, believing that she was and still is being unfaithful. I don't know how I can get past that knowing she still has the capability to easily hide things from me.


----------



## Vorpal

Buy a voice activated recorder and keep it with you at all times you are in contact with your soon to be exwife. False claims of abuse are a typical tool of a lying cheating spouse. If you have joint financial holdings, protect your assets. See a lawyer asap.


----------



## and-wil

Vorpal said:


> Buy a voice activated recorder and keep it with you at all times you are in contact with your soon to be exwife. False claims of abuse are a typical tool of a lying cheating spouse. If you have joint financial holdings, protect your assets. See a lawyer asap.


Good idea about protecting myself. Fortunately, all of the assets are in my name and we keep our finances separate.


----------



## Rob_1

and-wil said:


> Good idea about protecting myself. Fortunately, all of the assets are in my name and we keep our finances separate.


Did you already consulted with a divorce lawyer about your legal rights, and where you stand as far as assets distribution in the state you live?

If you haven't, you better do it immediately. In the US in a lot of places assets are community property, regardless of whose name they are, and if they are being kept separate. Even inheritances can become joined assets if commingled with marital assets.


----------



## Kamstel2

Have you talked to a lawyer yet?

I know that I felt a significant change in me after I left the lawyer’s office after telling them to file and them when and where I wanted her survived.


----------



## Beach123

She’s had no consequences = no need to change…offer YOU peace of mind. No reason to make things different.
If she hasn’t changed - then she is still doing what she was doing before - she just appeased you with more lies of “working on the marriage.” 
mug someone is working on the marriage - they are showing proof to the betrayed spouse that they shut down the problematic parts causing concern - but she hasn’t done that. She also hasn’t offered up info that shows she is trying hard to show you that YOU are her only top priority.
The affair continues when it looks the same as when it caused you suspicion.


----------



## uwe.blab

and-wil said:


> Good idea about protecting myself. Fortunately, all of the assets are in my name and we keep our finances separate.


What happened when she was served? Did she continue to try to get you back in the fold?


----------

