# Trying to Work it Out



## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

As some of you are aware from reading previous threads my husband cheated on me. That information came to light in September and now it is January and we are trying to work it out. I feel I have gone through all the emotions possible and the bottom line is I still love him. In addition, after 18 years it is hard to walk away. It does take two to make it work and even though I still have some reservations I am doing my best to put both feet forward. Furthermore, he has also working on changing and I can see it. He is more understanding, compasionate and most all patient. I do not want to say that I am staying for the children even though since we have started trying they have noticed and seem to be doing much better. It has only been since the 1st so we will see what happens. Some days are better than others for me, staying positive is the hardest part and wanting to trust him. So far there have been no reasons or indications that I shouldn't, but still the thoughts are there. I have learned that each of us has to evaluate our situation and do what is best for ourselves. I want to thank everyone for their support and input, it has been very helpful. I will continue to keep everyone updated as time goes along.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Since Oct you have been an active member helping so many people on these forums and someone I have come to respect with your opinions. I wish you the best of luck at this go around. People can change and I hope this is the case for you. Best wishes.

draconis


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## hurtandsad (Jan 15, 2008)

I am new, but this site has really helped me already. It is much easier to help someone else as it doesn't hurt us to give the advise. I am in a similar situation. I don't have actual proof of an affair, but my husband disrespects me all the time & feels it's ok for him to look at 'sites' and post pics of me on them. There is always flirting on Myspace, too. 
He's not really willing to give up this stuff and feels it's his right to look & flirt so long as he doesn't act on any of it. 
If you have someone that is really willing to try and doesn't view it as being whipped, then you should Definitely do what your heart tells you. If you know that you will struggle forever with this maybe it would be best to part. 
I have read many of the posts and you have given lots of great advise. I wish you the best!


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

Hurt,
I am sorry that your in the situation you are in. I think in order to move past the "issue" the "issue" needs to be brought out into the open and acknowledged. Sometimes what you do not know can hurt you. I really thought it was over, I was so hurt, however, I think I was more angry than anything. Your husband needs to understand his actions are real to you and how they affect you. If he is not willing to do this, then the decision is yours to make. A relationship takes two, furthermore, I try to remember why I got married in the first place. Some days are better than others, nevertheless, I am trying only to look at today, not yesterday.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

hurtandsad said:


> I am new, but this site has really helped me already. It is much easier to help someone else as it doesn't hurt us to give the advise. I am in a similar situation. I don't have actual proof of an affair, but my husband disrespects me all the time & feels it's ok for him to look at 'sites' and post pics of me on them. There is always flirting on Myspace, too.
> !


What is and isn't acceptable is based on the partnership of the people involved. If you can't find common ground they one or the other person will always feel "hurt"

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

kajira said:


> Hurt,
> A relationship takes two, furthermore, I try to remember why I got married in the first place. Some days are better than others, nevertheless, I am trying only to look at today, not yesterday.


That is a very healthy way to look at your relationship.

Kudos

draconis


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## hurtandsad (Jan 15, 2008)

You're posts are great. I have tried as there was one particular thing that caused me to take notice of his behavior. He commented to another woman's photo "this is what I see when I close my eyes" while going out with a group that she hung in and calls made back & forth by them meanwhile I no longer see myself in his eyes. He swears there was nothing, but he never said he was sorry & feels it's ok to be the way he is. 
If you have a relationship where he takes responsibility and tries to prove that he loves you & is really remorseful then it would be worth giving another try with constant communication and as Draconis said living transparently then you definately have a good chance of getting through this. I hope that your today is a wonderful one!


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

I think we find out about an affair our immediate reaction is to either "get out" in anger or "let's work it out" & nothing in between. I think we are in such shock that this could really be happening to us that we loose sense of ourselves. 
I immediately thought - "what's wrong with me" - how could he love someone else? what does she have that I don't have?

I took the "let's work it out" mode & have been struggling to do that ever since. I have my doubts if I should have trusted again, especially when I was let down again. But I am a believer in "marriage" & feel that too many people throw in the towel too soon without really trying to work it out. Maybe I am stubborn in that way but I just don't think couples should give up as easily as it as accepted these days. 
I think you made the right decision to try - I think you owe it to yourself & your husband. But something I have to remind myself is that the "relationship" didn't get to this stage overnight - there are many underlying issues involved & it'll take time to discover what those issues are & what went wrong. 
I believe it is worth "trying" & not giving up hope so soon.
wishing you the best of luck - looks like you posted back in jan - so I am sure a lot has happened since then. 
it would be nice to hear a success story amongst so many not so many sucesses.


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## e_stars (Mar 28, 2008)

Believer, I just wanted to say that I totally agree with you. It felt so good to read someone else shares my thoughts on this. My husband cheated on me and yea it hurt to the core and it still does but I am not willing to give up on him so easily. I also believe in "marriage" and I will be damned if I don't try.
Reading replies like yours make me feel even more optimistic.
Thanks.



believer said:


> I think we find out about an affair our immediate reaction is to either "get out" in anger or "let's work it out" & nothing in between. I think we are in such shock that this could really be happening to us that we loose sense of ourselves.
> I immediately thought - "what's wrong with me" - how could he love someone else? what does she have that I don't have?
> 
> I took the "let's work it out" mode & have been struggling to do that ever since. I have my doubts if I should have trusted again, especially when I was let down again. But I am a believer in "marriage" & feel that too many people throw in the towel too soon without really trying to work it out. Maybe I am stubborn in that way but I just don't think couples should give up as easily as it as accepted these days.
> ...


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*kajira*, I wanted to let you know that I have much respect for you trying to make things work with your man. 
I am a survivor of infidelity and know how hard it is when your trust is lost.
I am not the sweet nice guy I was before the cheating, hope you don't loose your nice side and are someday able to trust again, without second guessing yourself.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hey E stars - glad we are on the same page. not sure if we can communicate directly on each of situations? maybe we can see how similar our situations are & at what stage of the process we are at (anger, denial, acceptance, etc). 
I have worked through many of these at this stage & now need to decide what direction I want to go with my marriage. Up until recently - my husband was in the drivers seat because I was not willing to admit to him or myself that I was not happy. I wanted him to stay with me & was so afraid he's choose the other woman - that I just continued "as is" & tried to pretend things were normal. 
Let me know what's your situation & if we can email directly - would love to get someone else's perspective on similar issues. I am new to this online chat thing - so don't know all the technicalities of using this system. 
Hope to hear back from you.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

carmaenforcer said:


> *kajira*, I wanted to let you know that I have much respect for you trying to make things work with your man.
> I am a survivor of infidelity and know how hard it is when your trust is lost.
> I am not the sweet nice guy I was before the cheating, hope you don't loose your nice side and are someday able to trust again, without second guessing yourself.


is it possible to trust again & not second guess? I think it will always be hard whether you stay with your husband/wife or if you move on to another relationship.
You mention you are not the "nice guy" you used to be. Were you cheated on? Why are you not the "nice" guy? do you mean to say you are not so trusting - to protect yourself from getting hurt again? Did you stay in the relationship or move on?
If you stayed - what do you feel happened that allowed you to stay & be happy & trust again? 
I am considering "staying" not giving up yet but am really battling feelings of if I stay & get hurt again. Knowing that "the best predictor or behavior it to look at how they behaved in past" - I learned that in a job interviewing course - to ask specific questions to an applicant & based on how they handled something in the past is what they will do again in the future.
Not sure if it is fair or accurate to apply this to the marriage scenario but would welcome your thought. . . . Or anyone elses for that matter.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think in general, this is true. People do what they know and will repeat past behavior unless something significant makes them realize they need to change and want to change. For me, I needed to hear from my husband what he would do to avoid situations that might lead to an inappropriate relationship. And not that I want to see him hurting, but that he shows true feelings of remorse and really understands and feels horrible for the hurt he caused me. I don't want to live my life in constant worry (although I still have my bad days) so I said if you ever get to this point again, at least respect me enough to tell me before you act on it and we will take it from there...I would do the same.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Hi *believer* yeah my Wife cheated on me when we first got together with her immediate ex (the guy right before me) and I not only stayed with her but ended up getting married too.
I got the whole, I was confused, didn't know what I really wanted, but I made my choice, I love you, all that good stuff. 
I stayed because I got a promise of change and because I loved her, we have a child now and I love him even more and so I continue to stay. I don't trust again, yet, but hope to be able to again someday. I do make an effort to not trip over every little thing though, but it's hard.

What I mean when I say I'm not the "nice guy" is exactly as you stated it, I am not so trusting to protect myself from getting hurt again. I also do not give nice unless I get it in return, my Wife calls me Mr. Fairness and knows that her behavior determine my treatment of her and my behavior. 

You know what's funny about the past behavior being an indication of future behavior. My Wife used to always say, once a cheater always a cheater, when talking about others, until one day I asked her, "babe you cheated on me, does that mean you will do it again?" she had a fit about that and stopped saying that anymore. She claims that her mistake was an isolated incident, that things are different now because she's married.
I told her that's cool if that's what she really believes but I will still scrutinize everything to protect myself anyways. Trust is earned with me now not given on credit.

I believe people can change if they really want to, but the problem is that they really have to want to.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

To Swedish - don't recall reading your history but am curious how long you have been married? How long was the affair? How did you find out about it? I'm assuming when you initially confronted your husband - he denied it or came up with some excuse - am I right? 
My husband did what I stated above & I went away initially feeling awful that I accused him of something so horrible & I was wrong ( or so I thought briefly). A part of me wanted to believe I was wrong so it would put my mind at peace but all the pieces I had put together still did not make sense - so I kept snooping & asking & doubting. It took 2 more months to finally get the truth & I think that was only because I involved his friend to seek some information & I think he was afraid the friend might find out what was going on. So it was very disturbing to me that even when presented with evidence - he would still lie or come up with some story. 
I do think he has changed & is in a different mind set now. At the time, I think he really believed that he loved the other woman & that he could not be happy in our marriage. Time has passed ( 3 yrs since I found out) and it is only now that I am beginning to question if I made the right decision to stay & try to forgive him. I am trying to figure out if this is how I want to live the rest of my life - these are definitely not the circumstances I chose for my marriage & never imagined I would be living such a complicated life. However, when I took my marriage vows - took them seriously & intended it to be forever. 
Unfortunately today, I feel that too many couples give up too soon & mainly out of anger make rash decisions. And I don't want be one of those statistics. But in the same breath, I have to figure out if I can live my life with my husband & not have to wonder if he will hurt me again? Is there anything he can do to earn back my trust? Am considering going to couples counseling again - with him more in the "let's save the marriage mindset this time". 

The rolls are reversed now, I am wondering if I want to spend my life with him & he is hoping I choose "yes". 
Although I named myself "believer", it's 2 fold. 1) I believe in marriage & 2) I was a believer for too long of lies. 
Unlike you, I am not sure that if my husband just gave me his "word "that if he got to that point again - we would talk first. His "word" is not worth too much these days. However, his actions have improved ,but here I go again having doubts, not sure if that is because he realized what psycho the other woman turned out to be. 
I asked for a 6 month seperation to start - to help me sort out my feelings & to see what life is like without him. I am 1 month into it so far.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

to Carmeanforcer - How long ago did your wife cheat? What happened intially once you founf out? Have you staying only for the child? If so, I think that is wrong because you need to make sure you are happy - it's too much of a sacrafice for you to live your life unhappy. Also, I am sure if you decide to part it won't be easy for you or your child but kids are resilient & will adapt. 
I am amazed how well my 2 girls are adjusting to our seperation ( they are 7 & 2). I think it is always the parents fear how the kids will react. The research says that how the kids adjust is often directly related to how parent handle the situation & if they can be civil to each other. 
do you really hope to work things out? or are you just going through the motions?
Isn't that classic that your wife used to use that pharse 'always a cheater" but when you reltated it to her - she thought she was the exception. 
What has she done to prove to you that she is being truthful & not deceiving anymore? Is it fair to you to have to constantly scrutinize her behavior & decide how you are going act towards her based on her actions. What happened to loving "unconditionally" if you decided to stay. 
Best of luck to you - sounds like you need to evaluate if you are happy living your life the way it is. . .


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

believer said:


> To Swedish - don't recall reading your history but am curious how long you have been married? How long was the affair? How did you find out about it? I'm assuming when you initially confronted your husband - he denied it or came up with some excuse - am I right?


We've been married 7 years (first marriage for him, second for me & I have 3 kids from my first) All the signs were there for a few weeks (taking particular care in his appearance, seemed happy to leave in the morning and very distant at home to eventually him getting calls on his cell in the evenings or spending time on his laptop) I broke down one night and just told him everything I was feeling (everything except my suspicions since I could not confirm anything) He called her the next day and ended it on a Sunday. The next day, he left his cell phone home and I snooped...found this person's name with several numbers so I called. A woman answered and I hung up. Did some searching online and found out her age which fit. I confronted him when he got home...asked who blah blah was and he said a friend from work. I told him I called her (didn't say I didn't talk to her) and just said please be honest now because everything going through my head is much worse than anything you can tell me. He told me everything, looked right in my eyes the whole time. I didn't cry or raise my voice so we were able to just talk for hours. He works with her, they started talking about personal issues, and for the last 2 weeks went to lunch and kissed. He never met with her outside of work and they didn't have sex, but he said it was definitely headed in that direction. The only way I was able to move forward was to see my role in where our marriage was at the time. We both wanted the same thing-to feel loved an appreciated, but neither was making the other feel that way. Since that day, he has been an open book and is committed to regaining my trust. It is better each day but I still have my bad days. It's been 9 months. It still bothers me that they both still work there and I don't think my feelings will change until one of them leaves.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*believer* 
The cheating happened almost three years ago. Initially I had just found out that she was keeping in touch with her ex-boyfriend, assumed she had cheated but she just slapped me for going through her cell phone and left. Since I knew from the content on the text I read from him to her that more than likely she had at least made out with him, I simply stopped calling her and tried to move on. It wasn't until she came back to ask for me back that I found out she had not only cheated but that she was pregnant only didn't know if it was mine or his.
I took her back not knowing but this pregnancy miscarried before we could know who's baby it was. Shortly after that my Wife proposed to me and I excepted with the condition that she cut all ties with not just him but all her ex-boyfriends that she was now "friends" with and with her voluntary promise to never hurt me again.
We have had our share of issues due to my fears and suspicions and her selfish nature and flirtatiousness.
No, I don't believe in unconditional love anymore, a woman will love only if conditions are as she wants them and call it "having your feelings met". Policing every little thing she does wrong and doling out punishment to correct behavior is the only way I saw to actually "make" things fair in our relationship.

I know that I am not 100% happy having to live life the way I have to, but I from the looks of things, I could do worse and so why not try to fix the problems instead of running from them. Chances are great that the next woman will be the same or worse and I already have a beautiful baby boy with my Wife.


I've been divorced before and have had to do the absentee (weekend) father thing and I can tell you I want to raise my child now. I do believe that people should make more of an effort for the children and not be so quick to break up but my opinion is biased obviously.

I


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