# Help! He's so happy with OW:(



## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi everybody. I'm 32 and my ex 30. My husband left me 3.5 months ago with a 4 week old and a 22 month old after 7 years together, 3 years married. Ever since then I found out he is with somebody else (an 18 year old). To make long story short I'm having such a hard time with the fact that he's so happy in his new life. He is a professional musician and she... his student. She now opens up for his shows and travels with him. They are inseparable. She splashes her happiness all over fb, twitter, ect. and yes, like an idiot, I check. She posts things obviously directed at me, like that I'm mean and will be alone and a pathetic loser for the rest of my life. My ex only never returns my texts and tells me to leave him the f*ck alone. This is so hurtful. He cheated on me when I was pregnant, left me and now is nothing but hostile. He told me he was miserable with me.... I am so devastated by all of this. It's so hard to move on with my life, when I always imagined us growing old together. I try so hard for my children and they are very happy... I am always polite to him when he comes to see them. I just found a bank statement where he spent $4000 on his cell phone bill in the last 4 months of our relationship. I just can't understand why he doesn't feel any f*cking remorse...! I feel like he's making me out to be a villain as is she. How does that WORK???? Any feedback would be so appreciated. I'm just blindsided by his behavior.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

2 questions

1) have you read the 180 rules?
2) have you read the Just Let Them Go link?


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

Thanks Almostrecovered, I just did. I know I said that I don't want to be with him, and I wouldn't be able to..... but I miss him so much. That's what will make the 180 and letting him go so difficult. I just wish I had my life back


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> My husband left me 3.5 months ago with a 4 week old and a 22 month old after 7 years together, 3 years married.


i consider anyone who abandons their family like this to be the biggest POS walking on the face of the earth.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there's a Simpsons episode where Lisa experiments with Bart and puts electric cupcakes out for him to grab, despite the bad shock he keeps trying to get the cupcakes

stop looking at the FB
stop looking at what your husband does outside of his responsibility to the children

when you do otherwise you get hurt


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## 1990 (Mar 3, 2012)

You must be so hurt by this. I'm so sorry. I don't have much experience about this, but I think you should try to get some counseling. If it were me, I would not be able to go through something like that on my own. Maybe try to spend some time with some friends who will make you feel good. You really need some comfort right now, from maybe family or friends. I think one of the important things is to let yourself feel the way you do. It certainly is part of the process I guess (unfortunately). I wish you all the best and I hope you can find a way to let it go (with time of course) and feel good for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Honey hang in their and start working on yourself and take care of your children If you havent already i would consult an atty and get some paperwork filed so you can have some financial needs met, ignore both of them and concentrate on yourself it is a facade maybe start or develop some hobbies like working out or excersing etc also go ahead and file stop messing with your head and heart by checking up on them dont worry the Big ole Karma Bus will arrive shortly take care 

Good Luck


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Your H sounds like a real narcissist. Do you know anything about that? It might help if you are trying to understand. What he did is beyond awful. Don't worry about his happiness, people like that always get their karma in the end. Its sad really. 

I am also a musician. I know all about that world. I married my guitar player. We met on an audition. At some point it will all come crashing down. It always does. Especially in the music world. Your H is probably also a beauty worshipper. Meaning he will have an awful time dealing with getting older. I have seen this many times.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Block hlm on Facebook! This looks like the kind of affair where you are required in it. She is posting for your benefit because she is a teenager! He is in cloud cuckoo land and they are trying to validate there relationship by being really public. It will be tattoos and matching nose rings next!

Separate your finances if you haven't already.
Kill all joint everything.
Do not text, call or be in contact with him unless is directly effects your kids. 
Get the Divorce going. He does not get to walk away and play teenager! He has 2 kids and you need to secure your kids future.
I am so sorry you are here. You are going to get some counter-intuitive advice. Be clear with us what you want. 
Do you want to Divorce or do you want to reconcile? 
At this stage the things you do are the same, so don't worry too much.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

God..I can't imagine what kind of an ******* he is to leave such young children behind..
You do realize that there is only a 3% chance of his relationship with the OW working out..relationships that start in infidelity very rarely work out.

Although even if one day he wanted to come back would you want a man who abondoned you and the children back in your life?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I remember your posts from before.

We all told you back then to STOP checking her Facebook and Twatter.

Apparently, you are still doing this.

Why? 

You will never begin to move on as long as you are checking up on her and him.

BLOCK THEM. 



Honeystly said:


> My ex only never returns my texts and tells me to leave him the f*ck alone.


Then stop contacting him about anything other than co-parenting and your divorce. 

File for divorce and child support. If he doesn't cooperate, get a judge involved.

Cut ties STAT.

Remember, this isn't about you. It's about him (his choice to carry on with the Schmoopie). So f-ck them both and start moving on with your life.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Honey, I wish I had the magic words to make everything okay and make you(and me, for that matter) see reality for what it really is. You see your WH for what he USED to be and you're secretly hoping he'll be that person again and come rushing back, begging for forgiveness. Am I right? Because I know I secretly have that same hope.

But the truth is, if I stop thinking emotionally and look at what my WH has done to not only ME, but our children, the past few months, I don't think there's any way to get over that. 

There is so much truth to the phrase, "It gets better with time." Here you are, 3.5 months after he left you and you're still surviving! You might feel like crap most days, but you're doing it! You're providing a happy life for your kids and with time, you'll be happy too. I just hope that time comes sooner, rather than later. 

Chin up, sister. WE didn't cause this. WE couldn't have done anything differently. WE WILL get over this!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Because he's a gutless puke and she's a stupid teenager who knows no better...later down the road, when he see's that you are happy again (and you will be) the kids will see him for what he really is and maybe wont want anything to do with him and the little teenybopper has left his ass for someone younger...he will be like WTH? my life sucks and its my own fault.

Why do you keep checking on them? the hell with them, do soemthing for YOU, focus on you and the kids..let them live in thier little fantasy world, it will crash and burn...


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I try not to check, I really do. It's just when the kids go to bed and all my friends are spending time with their loved ones and I am alone.... I'm just lonely and I guess this is my sad way of feeling connected to him. It's just all such a shock. It's hard to rewire just like that after all this time. I miss him. I wouldn't take him back, I couldn't..... but I miss him so much.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honeystly said:


> I try not to check, I really do.


Trying is not the same as doing.

All you are doing is torturing yourself and setting yourself back each time you check up on either of them.

Why do you want to cause yourself more pain? 

Block them. Today. 

You say you miss him, but you miss who you thought he was, not who he is.

Let that marinate for a little. 

The guy you loved is gone. The guy you loved isn't real anymore. He's someone else. He abandoned you and your baby. That is reprehensible. 

If you want to keep running into a brick wall and cutting yourself on glass shards, then by all means, keep checking up on both of them. The choice is yours. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

He walked away but he's still responsible for supporting his child and maybe you too.

See an attorney.

Hit back hard. 

You'll feel better.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

You miss him now but trust me, in the future when someone better comes along you'll wonder why you wasted so much time thinking about him.

You miss the company. The security. All a normal process. Remember you are not alone.

You need to get past the hurt and move forward in the grieving process. Get mad. Get moving. Don't let him get away with treating you like dirt, telling you where to go and him smirking in the background. Seriously, who does he think he is? Don't chase after him - you seriously don't want that prize.

DO NOT take him back. Or entertain those thoughts. Your self worth will be at an all time low. He doesn't determine who you are, neither does the immature OW he's seeing. You are a mother, capable (look at you coping with two kids after he abandoned you) and a strong woman. Their words mean nothing to you. Block them out. Don't obsess over someoone so totally not worth it.

The healing will begin when you let go. If you need to move house, move house. If you need to throw out things off his in your house, do it. You do whatever it takes for you to move on.

He'll always be in your life with the kids, but that doesn't mean you have to connect with him. Go through the courts. When it all falls apart with the OW and he has the nerve to try and crawl back, be strong enough to slam that door in his face.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Gratitude said:


> DO NOT take him back. Or entertain those thoughts. Your self worth will be at an all time low.


This.

I know this feels like a nightmare that you will never wake up from.

What is your progress on getting the heck away from the country you're in and back to your family? 

If I recall your situation correctly, you are so isolated, it frankly scares me. I know I'd be doing exactly what you're doing if I was in a foreign land, far from my family and old friends, with (ex)in-laws as evil as yours.

(And my apologies if I'm not remembering your facts correctly--I will edit my post.)


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

iheartlife, you are remembering everything correctly Thanks for that. I have decided to stay in Australia, as it is a beautiful place and I do want my kids to have their father in their lives. It's what's best for them. I have been skyping with family and friends, so I have days where I feel so much support it makes me thankful. There are other days though, like the one I wrote this post on, where I just feel like poo and check stupid updates and torture myself. Like I said, I want to stop it.... It's just simply hard. Noone here to tell me to stop, except for the great folks on TAM. It's funny how a person can feel supported by complete strangers who share similar stories. I just sit and read every night, hoping to get some insight. I wish there was an update site where people tell their stories, 3,6, 12 months after. I want to hear about affairs blowing up in WS faces. Thanks for your replies everybody!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I want you to try this--

First, uncheck the boxes that keep you logged into facebook and twitter. Make it just the tiniest bit harder to get on--don't let them stay open on your desktop and don't let the computer put in the password.

Next, checking their facebook and twitter pages has become a habit to you. You need to attack it the same way you would if one of your children started biting their nails. You could, for example, create a simple reward system ($1 in a jar for every day that you don't check, with the money going toward a manicure or new book for yourself).

Also consider this: the more often you check, the more you are ingraining a habit onto your brain. You are making checking up on them a part of WHO YOU ARE. Blech. So replace a bad habit with a good habit, like opening the door and taking a breath of fresh air, or brushing your teeth, or making a cup of tea. Link the two together, so that when the impulse strikes you jump up and do #2 instead until the desire passes.

All easier said than done, I know. I really think that if you attack this as a bad habit that is rotting your soul vs. "when will I stop thinking about them" it will do you a world of good.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

So sorry that you are going through this, its definitely a awful phase but remember its just a phase for you now. He is horrible, so please don't waste your precious time on that fool and his pathetic lover. If he is that hard hearted to leave his young kids then he is definitely not a worthy man to even think of. 

Everyone is right dear just cut yourself of their fb, checking on them will do more harm to you. They are surely painting a beautiful picture for the world to cover their guilt..........trust me it won't last long it will surely come to haunt one day and remember on that day you will be stronger and happier. To be that strong and happy person you have to make changes right now, go and block them out right now its paralysing you from thinking. 

You have got 2 lovely kids who will adore you, go become the mother they will cherish.........time will heal everything.

Remember you are feeling bad today......but it will not be the same it will change, to make it fast you have to bring some changes first. Go girl, go take care of yourself and be there for your little ones.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Honestly, I have a dear friend who checks in on me from time to time. She asks if I walked out of the house with matching shoes. If I did, I'm doing ok, and I shouldn't be too hard on myself. The rest will happen in time.
So, do your shoes match?


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