# Physical or Emotional Affair



## Char-leigh's Mum (Mar 30, 2014)

Which one is worse a PA or EA??


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

We had this question a few months ago. I think my answer was the PA but now I don't know....maybe the PA still though....yeah, the PA; it humiliated me more than the EA. Most of the pain, much less frequent these days, came from the PA mind movies. The fact that they had this 'special' thing going on, the EA, all the little communications, the familiarity - even when she texted that piece of excrement and asked him how his son was - that stings. It all hurts.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

PA almost always entails an EA, so it is more usually:

EA <- bad
EA & PA <- worse

The other alternative is a one night stand, which is a different issue in a way, although still betrayal.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

I'm going through an EA right now and I've asked myself this question. If it's a long EA (my case) vs. a one night stand, I don't know...I almost think the EA is worse. Women are more complex than we are - when they're emotionally involved, it's not good.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

The only aspect that differentiates a PA from an EA is sex.

But to me, other apsects of any affair would make the difference in the seriousness of it and its damaging effects.

For example:

1. the length of time
2. the amount of energy concentrated on the affair
3. the number of lies
4. the severity of lies
5. the times you felt deprioritised due to the affair that you become aware of; ie, a spouse saying "we can't afford that now for you /our children" and then you find out the amount of money he /she spent on the AP during that time.

these aspects and most likely others would weigh upon how "bad" the affair was..... not whether sex took place or not.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

For me I would have to say a PA is worse than an EA. A PA is the result of an EA. I could care less if you talk the talk. I could care less if you went to lunch, coffee, talked for hours etc. It's still just talking. Whether you made that person feel special, wanted, needed whatever. Are you crossing the well defined boundaries, absolutely. But for me the PA is the tangible result of an EA. Kissing, groping and everything else I can not overlook. Ever. I find it flat out disgusting. Once you are disgusted with a person, in my opinion, you don't want to have anything to do with them. I'm conflicted in trying to asses which is worse, they are both equally the s****.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

With an EA, you can never REALLY know that it wasn't a PA with very few exceptions. Even if you are being told the truth, you are being told the truth by someone who has betrayed and deceived you. And since you can't prove sex didn't happen, it is endless torture. Knowing they had intercourse countless times...to me...would be better. At least my mind could rest and I could stop searching, wondering. Knowing something is trash and discarding it accordingly feels better (to me) than thinking something that is broken could possibly be fixed only to have it keep falling apart.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It all depends, we use to put the "EA" label to many things with don't involve emotional or romantic attachment, including web camming-cibersexing-Sex phone "affairs", all highly sexualized even there's not skin on skin action.
We have here a BH who's WW had a BDSM long distance affair which almost finished him, way more than the EA-PA she had with a female coworker.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I think this question is the same as the following:

Would you rather have all of your skin flayed off of you one layer at a time or would you like your testicles ground up in a meat grinder while attached to your body so you can see?

It doesn't matter which is worse, both are horrible and cause extreme amounts of damage and pain.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

They all should be relabeled "*Inappropriate relationshi**p*" That is the term I used with my wife.

Doesn't matter really they all are *inappropriate* and need ended or are deal breakers.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> They all should be relabeled "*Inappropriate relationshi**p*" That is the term I used with my wife.
> 
> Doesn't matter really they all are *inappropriate* and need ended or are deal breakers.


That's funny. My wife got incredibly pissed when I called my affair an "inappropriate relationship". Something about sugar coating a turd. 

"Trying" - I really hope anyone who reads your posts in their threads also reads the threads you start. I am sorry for how miserable your life must be. I hope YOU find a good PROFESSIONAL individual counselor to help you. I don't say this specifically about the post I quoted, as it is more or less harmless, but the notion of you giving advice to other people is frightening to me.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Women tend to think that an EA is worse and men tend to think that a PA is worse. 

There is a very primitive reason for this. In order to be biologically successful, you have to pass on your genes. Women know that their children are biologically theirs, men don’t. 

A woman’s primary concern was to have a man around to help her children survive. A man’s primary concern was to insure that her children were also his. In other words, a woman wanted a good relationship with her mate to keep him around. 

A man wanted a good relationship so that he wouldn’t be raising another man’s child. 

This is why it can be comforting for a woman to be told by her husband that he didn’t care for the OW, it was only sex. The wife’s security isn’t jeopardized. A husband isn’t comforted by being told the same thing.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

I really don't know how to separate the two. I mean the PA stuff is bad and it gives me nightmares sometimes but the EA stuff gnaws on me way worse and is responsible for the majority of the nightmares. I mean I can have "sex" with my hand but she allowed herself to fall in love with another man and then took all her emotional (and sexual) energy out of our relationship and put it into that one. All while stringing me along for years.

I rarely if ever think about the two to four week "flings" she had. The one that lasted throughout our entire marriage though? Knowing that she would take all of our problems to some other guy to, uhh, "fix" them while never even bothering to mention that these things were bothering her to me. I'm just left to wonder if they really did bother her or if they were just ways for her to get sympathy from him, help her justify what she was doing, and damage (and ultimately destroy) our relationship.

I really have no idea how I'd feel if that one affair was taken away but I still had somehow found out about all the "little" flings.

So for me the EA seems to hurt more. A lot more. But I can't really separate the two.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

*Both are equally destructive* to a marriage comparing the two is like comparing a gunshot to stabbing both will equally kill you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Describe pain, describe trauma in the heart and mind and experience of someone else. You can't. You can't measure someone else's painful reaction to one event anymore than you can taste the the same foods and have that same experience. 

All I could "prove" was an EA but later confirmed the sex by his own admission. Both were devastating.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It's really a whole lot like determining which came first: the chicken or the egg!

While the EA is greatly the precursor of the PA, it preeminently is what almost always leads to any resulting physical activity. Two cheaters are rarely ever going to just drop their drawers in each others presence without first getting somehow emotionally involved.

My own personal theory and my money lies on the fact that a cheater must go from Point A(the EA) to Point B(the bed)!

Point A(the EA) is so much worse, just as it sets the groundwork for any future physical accoutrements that would logically bond and solidify their emotional relationship!*


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Well even though an EA has an emotional element to it, they're still "only talking".

When it goes PA, it's more concrete. Someone has now physically replaced you. The betrayal is now more than words, or an emotional attachment.

Not to mention that your SO is swapping bodily fluids with another.

An EA's bad, but I personnally think that a PA is worse.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Well even though an EA has an emotional element to it, they're still "only talking".
> 
> When it goes PA, it's more concrete. Someone has now physically replaced you. The betrayal is now more than words, or an emotional attachment.
> 
> ...


*The only reason that I disagree with that is that in an EA, one or both of the cheaters have largely already, through acts of deception, given their hearts away, all while abandoning their spouse. 

The only thing that they haven't done, up through that particular point, is to physically cement their sordid relationship. Prior to that happening, and as long as the cheating pair keeps it clandestine, it's usually only a matter of time!*


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Well even though an EA has an emotional element to it, they're still "only talking".
> 
> When it goes PA, it's more concrete. Someone has now physically replaced you. The betrayal is now more than words, or an emotional attachment.
> 
> ...


I agree. Imo, depending on the depth of the EA*, the marriage is recoverable. Life happens and vulnerabilities can get the best of you, so an ea (shallow) is easy to slip into before you realize it. When it moves to a pa, the level of betrayal is much worse and I think, in many cases, takes a level of premeditation. The swapping of bodily fluids without protection is an additional betrayal and a disregard for the health and well being of the spouse. 

Of course, there are exceptions.


* I may be misunderstanding what an EA is. I am looking at it as an emotional connection but not necessarily one recognizable as love. More of an inappropriate sharing and a blurring of boundaries, leaning on someone other than your spouse for understanding and emotional support.


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