# How Long.....



## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

I never been through anything like this my entire life. I never had any man cheated on me either nor, I never thought my husband would have cheated on me either. 

Right now, we are geographically separated from one another due to OUR affairs and, due to economy. My husband and I talk randomly, I think because now we are separated we are trying to communicate and trying to put OUR affairs past us. 

The woman my husband cheated on him with was an ex girlfriend, sometimes I want to email her on facebook and tell her how I feel about her. Than again, I know that will cause problems and issues between us. Am I wrong for feeling this way? 

I dedicated my life to my husband, I stood by him through many deployments. I was faithful to my husband the yrs we were married. Honestly it wasn't easy being an Army Wife. To know my husband had sex with another woman that was his ex girlfriend really does hurt alot. 

I do know I love my husband and want this marriage to work successfully. 

Back to my affair, I had sex with a guy whom I went to High School with and, my husband feels that their is alot of emotions involved in this affair. Because we had sex several times and the girl he slept with only happen twice. 

We both admitted we were wrong for what happen. Now, its really hard being in a different state from one another because hes in NJ, and I'm in Texas and the guy whom I slept with still resides in the same city. However, I tell my husband I dont have intentions cheating on him again. And, that my concerns are getting us set up financially and getting him back down here in Texas. 

The big drama is this, My family doesnt LIKE MY HUSBAND. They think he uses me for money, takes advantage for me until I am broke. They don't see all the good things about him they just focus on the bad things. They don't see how my husband took care of my son, ( which isnt even his) they don't see that he added my son onto his medical plan when he was in the Army. Or when he needed clothes because my ex husband isnt paying child support. Or support him financially, educationally and medically. 

They just see that sometimes he lies, I mean all men lie but my husband job in the Army was Military Interrogator so it was part of his job. At some point their was some manipulation but, he changed all that over the amount of the years. When my husband has money they all want to kiss his ass but when hes broke they consider him as loser. 


My husband paid our debts off, when he was in Afghanistan, he put his life on the line for us. He even bought me a car. But when he came home from Afghanistan he found a job in corrections only making $9.00 an hr, so the bills did pile up. My parents just think its not fair how they have to take over my car payments because he left. If he didnt go back to NJ my husband would been on the street. 

My family took OUR kids and myself in until I find a job. My family just hates him they would never admit they dont hate him. If you dont hate someone you dont talk trash about someone to the entire family. My mother has bashed my husband to the entire family so, their is a big conflict. My husband never had the opportunity to meet my grandparents, my uncles and etc. because the fact my mom humiliated my husband to the family. 

Than their is my father, he completely just talks about my husband not being a man. How hes not a family man and etc. My husband has always supported his family and he has always took care of us. When he was in the Army he even supported us he chose to get out due the fact he was tired being away from us. He was even going to college to find another job so he can provide for us. My parents didnt support that they think his goal should be work and school is last. 

My mother never went to college so I can see why she doesn't support my husband goals. I have always supported my husband goals to better provide for us. 


If I work this marriage out, I believe my mother and father would be malicious for no reason. I am currently looking for a job out of town to be away from my parents just because the family conflict. 

My husband has always made conversations with my dad he would spit in his face basically say he wasnt **** without the army and this is why I stay in the army and always talk about money. My mother she basically married for money and not for love. Im sorry I married for love, I dont feel money is important yes you need it to support your family but, I would rather be happy than rich because money chances people. 


I do worry if my husband may cheat on me again and he brings it up too that he worry about me cheating again since we are separated it, its hard being away from one another. We both aren't having such good luck find jobs here with the economy. I had a job when he was working in Afghanistan but, I was laid off. Now I am unemployed so, its a financial hardship on us.


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

My husband is no longer Active Duty Army he's National Guard, but the only job he can have is Military Intelligence and most of those jobs are required overseas. Trust me he applied everywhere from Walmart, Target, Lowes so hes been applying he just havent had any good luck with the job search. But thanks, Im just praying to god and keeping my faith that one of us find a job.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Italian_Mami31 said:


> They just see that sometimes he lies, I mean all men lie but my husband job in the Army was Military Interrogator so it was part of his job.


You are trying to say that your family hates your husband because he lies and you say that's ok that he lies because he has to because he's a Military interrogator? 

Wow that's a bit of a stretch. Lying to a prisoner isn't quite the same thing as lying to people that are not spies from an enemy country.

Let's get down to the hard facts.

You and hubby both cheated on each other.
You live in different states
You live with your parents because you have no job
Hubby is broke
Your parents hate hubby and won't allow him to live in the house with you and them
You are unwilling to live with hubby and try to make ends meet while residing in the same house for reasons that are unclear even though you say you love him and you want the marriage to work. Lots of broke people still live together, they don't remain in different states living with parents just because they have no job. Hubby has a roof over his head wherever he is in NJ so why don't you and your children have the same roof over your head that he does? Especially given that you're both worried about the other cheating on one another again. 
It's "there" not "their".


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

I am not saying it's ok to lie, but I forgave him for his lying. We put the past behind us, and he haven't lied to me for a long time its been years since he stop lying to me. 

My husband lives in NJ, and my ex husband lives in NJ thats a big issue because my ex husband causes alot of issues between my husband and i. We were in NJ last time he called Social Services on Matthew because he accuse him of spanking my son and he never did that. He made a little issue into a big issue over nothing just to cause drama. 

My husband lives with his family, his family contains his two sisters, her two sons, my mother in law and father in law. Last we all live together their was alot of drama. My in laws didnt like me and they try to make my husband divorce me as well. 

They kinda of got over the issue coz my husband been talking to his family. So we just made an agreement that whomever finds a job first we will relocate to that location.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As far as your affair is concerned, are you sure your strong enough not to reignite your affair if the OM (other man) comes looking for you? I ask because you wouldn't have had sex with him many times (your words) if he wasn't satisfying some strong need of yours (like attention). Like it or not, it is possible considering how the two of you live in the same city and your husband is living in another state, a perfect scenario if temptation strikes at you.


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

morituri said:


> As far as your affair is concerned, are you sure your strong enough not to reignite your affair if the OM (other man) comes looking for you? I ask because you wouldn't have had sex with him many times (your words) if he wasn't satisfying some strong need of yours (like attention). Like it or not, it is possible considering how the two of you live in the same city and your husband is living in another state, a perfect scenario if temptation strikes at you.




I have no reason to have another affair on my husband, I realize I made mistake and I have no contact with the other man, I changed my telephone number, I have blocked him from my Facebook as well my husband Facebook too. I accept the responsibility that I screw up. I realize the pain he has gone through when I did and i think he realize the pain he put me through. So i have no intentions on cheating again. 

Right now, to be honest I don't have time for an affair, yes the temptation was there last time. I am busy looking for a job, work, and with the kids i am busy. I am really honestly focusing on me and my family not another man. 


The other man has a girlfriend and is committed to her they been together for 8-9 months now. I know this because one of my friends was mutual friends on Facebook with him so i blocked him from fb


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

An affair is NEVER a mistake, it is a BAD choice.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

The only way to affair proof yourself is to not violate marital *boundaries*:



> "The following are *DISCOURAGED* with members of the opposite sex when you are married:
> 
> ■Any kind of physical touch that lasts for more than three seconds.
> ■Any kind of physical touch besides a handshake, pat on the back, or a brief hug (again, no longer than three seconds).
> ...


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## SOA1980 (Mar 24, 2012)

you said that you cheated on hiim several times, how many times is several, and how many times before you realize your wrong? I know you said you do not cheat anymore, that is good, but you need to tell him everything, he will eventually find out, they always do. So how many times did you have sex with this man? were there any others?


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

SOA1980 said:


> you said that you cheated on hiim several times, how many times is several, and how many times before you realize your wrong? I know you said you do not cheat anymore, that is good, but you need to tell him everything, he will eventually find out, they always do. So how many times did you have sex with this man? were there any others?



The guy I slept with was someone I went to high school with and, it was 3 times with the same guy. We sat down and talk about it and we talk about his affair with his ex gf too. This is the only person i ever had sex with and i ended it because i felt guilty, i didn't want to keep lying to myself.


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## SOA1980 (Mar 24, 2012)

What was your thought process before deciding to have sex with this hs buddy of yours? It is very important to understand what pushed you forth to do it and than you have to control it if it reoccurs.


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## SOA1980 (Mar 24, 2012)

This is in regards to Italian Mami 31 - we spoke earlier, I think i figured this out. Apparently we cannot do two private messages in 60 minutes, but anyway, regarding what we were talkking about - you said that you slept with this man 3 times this man from hs. What were you looking for before you slept with this man? What motivated you to move forward instead of saying no, I cannot do this? These are important to realize and by realizing this you will avoid it if it may reoccur, hope it does not reoccur, but if it does you will be able to fight off of it.


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

SOA1980 said:


> This is in regards to Italian Mami 31 - we spoke earlier, I think i figured this out. Apparently we cannot do two private messages in 60 minutes, but anyway, regarding what we were talkking about - you said that you slept with this man 3 times this man from hs. What were you looking for before you slept with this man? What motivated you to move forward instead of saying no, I cannot do this? These are important to realize and by realizing this you will avoid it if it may reoccur, hope it does not reoccur, but if it does you will be able to fight off of it.



Honestly, I am not even sure what I was looking for. All I do know I dont have any communication with him, hes block from my life, and I think it was because I was upset my husband was mistreating me when he was deployed. I know just because u fight with someone doesnt give the right to sleep with someone. I am working through it, but i am just upset that he slept with his ex. Sometimes I do want to email her and tell her off because his bestfriend knew about the situation and he didnt want to be involved in the drama


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## SOA1980 (Mar 24, 2012)

I totally understand, and that is something you will have to deal with. Keep in mind when you get married it is through sickness and in health, that could mean actual illness, fighting, arguing, and things of that nature. When you get upset with someone that is not a right to sleep around. I do believe that he was breaking up with you and getting back together with you, that is very common for deployed soldiers, civilian, government officials, anything due to the stress. It is unfortunate they take it out on the ones supporting them sometimes, but it is a necessary evil when with a warrior. I can say this because i been in the military, i graduated college, i been deployed, and I have experience talking to men like him. Once I was able too, I specialized in PTSD.

Regarding the woman he cheated with, just forget about her, she was probably misinformed, so it is not her fault.


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

SOA1980 said:


> I totally understand Cynthia, and that is something you will have to deal with. Keep in mind when you get married it is through sickness and in health, that could mean actual illness, fighting, arguing, and things of that nature. When you get upset with someone that is not a right to sleep around. I do believe that he was breaking up with you and getting back together with you, that is very common for deployed soldiers, civilian, government officials, anything due to the stress. It is unfortunate they take it out on the ones supporting them sometimes, but it is a necessary evil when with a warrior. I can say this because i been in the military, i graduated college, i been deployed, and I have experience talking to men like him. Once I was able too, I specialized in PTSD.
> 
> Regarding the woman he cheated with, just forget about her, she was probably misinformed, so it is not her fault.



I understand, I know I can't be upset about the situation because we both made BAD CHOICES of the cheating he cheated and I cheated. So i either have to move on if I want to make this marriage work. I slowly taking steps it doesnt make any easier on me when my family says ooh hes a cheater dont take him back, he doesnt love you and etc. if he did love he wouldnt left the state and went back to NJ. My family just makes everything worst it sucks my situation right now


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## SOA1980 (Mar 24, 2012)

That is a problem, family always seems to be a problem with marriage, I bet his family says things as well. If you love your husband, you have to make that decision. Do you want to be with him, and if u do does he feel mutually. Keep in mind you cannot quit an affair because you felt guilty, you would have to do it because you want it to work. Realizing that you made a mistake and by making the mistake you can realize what is wrong. Why did you actually stop the affair, was it because you were caught, you love him, you were bored etc?


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## Italian_Mami31 (Mar 20, 2012)

SOA1980 said:


> That is a problem, family always seems to be a problem with marriage, I bet his family says things as well. If you love your husband, you have to make that decision. Do you want to be with him, and if u do does he feel mutually. Keep in mind you cannot quit an affair because you felt guilty, you would have to do it because you want it to work. Realizing that you made a mistake and by making the mistake you can realize what is wrong. Why did you actually stop the affair, was it because you were caught, you love him, you were bored etc?



My family thinks because, hes suffering financially and they have to help me out with the bills hes not a man they assume he walk out. He left because my parents wouldn't let him stay there because they don't like him. My husband never did anything to them my family made judgmental statements about his family so he called my dad ignorant and he still hold grudges against my husband for that. My dad can't let things go . Everyone is going through financial issues with this economy they just think my husband use me and that wasn't it he was taking care of the bills since we were married but he couldn't afford the bills on $9.50 an hr. 

I love my husband and, I can careless what my family thinks of him. We might have financial issues but, my parents think I should be with this person who is in the military that is an officer. I'm sorry i don't marry someone for their rank or the money. My husband has always been by my side and took care of me and our kids. 

As the affair it ended because, I do love my husband and, I didn't want to keep lying to myself and my family. I ended things and I knew eventually it would bite me in the a**. 

I thought by now my family would have accepted my husband but they haven't they still talk about him and they say oh we dont hate him if you dont hate someone you dont talk trash behind someone back. To me a friend or spouse or family dont talk trash about someone. 

My family just wants me to hate him because the fact he supposely put me in debt as my mom puts it. But when he was in afghanistan he was paying all of our debts and bills so when he ran out of money he wasnt good enough for this family.


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