# Troubles with Arousal



## Seou (Dec 21, 2013)

First of all, this is probably a more female oriented question, but I won't totally blow off answers from men by any means. 

I am a 22 year old woman. My husband and I have been married for a year and known each other three and a half years. We met on the internet and talked for six months before I flew down to meet him. Suffice to say we did not wait to 'do the deed' so to speak until we were married. When we first met, sparks flew. Just his touch made me incredibly excited. I loved how he touched me worship-fully, how he lingered over my body. And then the actual _sex_ part....and it was all gone. Just *poof* and pain. 

This has always been an issue for me. My husband has been with three women other than me and all of them claim he was the best they ever had. I've been with 1 other than him and the problem is exactly the same. I can get aroused, but once it comes to the actual 'sex' part, it's like my brain shuts down. Plus, once it happens I can't get aroused from anything ever again. It's like my brain is stuck in some teenage lovey dovey state but when it comes to the actual act, I can't do it. It's like I'm pushing myself too hard.

I love my husband so much, and it breaks my heart to lie to him all the time. I've literally tried everything except hormone therapy. The only enjoyment I get is from the actual 'act' now and it has to be...intense. I have never in my life orgasmed I don't think. 

The other issue is that as our relationship progresses he has interests in more sex things. Like...from the other end. I have done it several times and I HATE it but I'm afraid to tell him. 

I have struggled with this my entire life and I am sick to death of it. I don't want it to ruin our marriage, we have a 10 month old son that we both love to death. In no way is our relationship going stale otherwise I just WANT satisfaction. I never deny him simply because I feel that I don't have the right, and it does feel good to some degree. We have sex at least twelve times a week with BJs in between, so in no way am I depriving him, I just need some suggestions. Anything would be helpful, I'm desperate.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

#1 12 times a week doesn't allow you to recharge. 

#2 he can't make you orgasm if you don't know how to do it yourself. You need some self practice to figure it out. 

#3 cowgirl. 

#4 magic wand.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Seou said:


> First of all, this is probably a more female oriented question, but I won't totally blow off answers from men by any means.
> 
> I am a 22 year old woman. My husband and I have been married for a year and known each other three and a half years. We met on the internet and talked for six months before I flew down to meet him. Suffice to say we did not wait to 'do the deed' so to speak until we were married. When we first met, sparks flew. Just his touch made me incredibly excited. I loved how he touched me worship-fully, how he lingered over my body. And then the actual _sex_ part....and it was all gone. Just *poof* and pain.
> 
> ...


Reply from a man..

Have you talked to your doctor about the pain? If there is a medical issue perhaps your doc can get it straightened out.

Where did you hear that these other women said your husband was the best they ever had? :rofl::rofl: Chances are if they really said it to him then they were lying, just like you are about sex issues.

Your man needs to feel like a king in bed, yes. So you don't just say to him "Hey I've never really enjoyed the sex and I've never had an orgasm with you". I think you tell him that you have always experienced some pain at times, and it is a problem in your desire and ability to fully enjoy sex. See, that doesn't make him a failure at all, it accurately reports that there is something with your body which you want to correct for the benefit of both of you.

A sex therapist may be a very good place for you to seek some advice. You can look at their profiles on the internet and then I would suggest calling one or more of the best looking choices. Ask them about their rates, whether they take your insurance (if you have coverage for psych), if they deal with your kind of issues regularly, and if they have any special training or certifications which apply to your issues.

As to doing things you don't like in bed. Don't. You have every right to not do something you hate. I would try to tell your husband in a way that is non-blaming. Don't make it out like you think he is wrong or perverted or otherwise guilty of some violation for wanting to do it. I would try to tell him kindly and with a smile when you are not in bed that there are some things you have tried in bed which you dislike. Though you know he finds it exciting, for you it is unpleasant. Then, offer some other ideas or offer to want to talk about additional things he might like. I think one key is to avoid coming across as if you are shutting down sex with him.

This can lead to more discussions about what he would like more of, and what he might want less of. For example he may want you to initiate more. Or he may want to see you do a strip tease. Or he may say that the thing you do when you touch him in a particular place isn't all that great for him.

You really need to be open and honest with him, and he with you. If you don't it will lead to resentments and future emotional pain.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Agree with Thor, the first order of business is to go see a good gyno to rule out some sort of medical issue that is causing the pain with intercourse. There could be something physically wrong that you could treat relatively easily.

Are you clenching your vaginal muscles during sex? That could lead to pain. It's easy to say 'relax'- a glass or two of wine could help. Do you get lubricated?

Does your H give you oral sex?

How often/how/do you pleasure yourself? If you haven't ever done it, now's the time to start. Once you're able to bring yourself to orgasm you'll be better able to show your H how to do it.

I don't think I'd start right out with a vibrator though. Try your hand over panties, 'ride' a pillow, use a shower massage, or try positioning yourself under a stream of water in the bathtub (my personal favorite).

Don't expect to reach orgasm the second you start touching yourself (even though movies etc. portray it that way). Just enjoy it for what it is. It can take a while to figure it out and be able to 'let go'. That's something no one ever tells you. 

The book "For Yourself" was quite helpful to me back in the day. http://www.amazon.com/For-Yourself-Fulfillment-Female-Sexuality/dp/0451202007


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Seou said:


> First of all, this is probably a more female oriented question, but I won't totally blow off answers from men by any means.
> 
> I am a 22 year old woman. My husband and I have been married for a year and known each other three and a half years. We met on the internet and talked for six months before I flew down to meet him. Suffice to say we did not wait to 'do the deed' so to speak until we were married. When we first met, sparks flew. Just his touch made me incredibly excited. I loved how he touched me worship-fully, how he lingered over my body. *And then the actual sex part....and it was all gone. Just *poof* and pain. *


What do you mean here? The way I read it is that you loved his touch, became increasingly aroused, but didn't climax. Then when he entered you, the arousal left *poof* and you felt pain from the penetration. Did the arousal leave first? Did the pain come first and then arousal left? Did you tell him? Did he slow down? Did you remain silent and suffer through it? Has this pain continued till today or was that just the one time? How often do you have painful intercourse?




> I've been with 1 other than him and the problem is exactly the same. I can get aroused, but once it comes to the actual 'sex' part, it's like my brain shuts down. Plus, once it happens I can't get aroused from anything ever again. It's like my brain is stuck in some teenage lovey dovey state but when it comes to the actual act, I can't do it. It's like I'm pushing myself too hard.


First of all, you are a married mother, an adult, stop using euphemisms. 

So once penetration happens your arousal disappears? Once your arousal disappears, there is nothing he can do or you can do to get yourself back to being aroused? Is that correct?



> I love my husband so much, and it breaks my heart to lie to him all the time. I've literally tried everything except hormone therapy. The only enjoyment I get is from the actual 'act' now and it has to be...intense. I have never in my life orgasmed I don't think.


So you can get aroused, but can't get to climax? There are things you can do to get there, I'll write them below.



> The other issue is that as our relationship progresses he has interests in more sex things. Like...from the other end. I have done it several times and I HATE it but I'm afraid to tell him.


Gently reminding you why the euphemisms have to go... You mean anal sex or oral sex? And do you mean going down on him or him going down on you?

The answer is important because IMO, oral sex should be a part of every healthy sex life. But anal sex is not a given. Everyone is built differently and the rectum can sustain some serious damage through anal sex, through child birth...hell just from digestive issues! You tried it, (good for you) didn't like it (it's not for everyone) so it's perfectly acceptable to say No thanks!



> I have struggled with this my entire life and I am sick to death of it. I don't want it to ruin our marriage, we have a 10 month old son that we both love to death. In no way is our relationship going stale otherwise I just WANT satisfaction. I never deny him simply because I feel that I don't have the right, and it does feel good to some degree. We have sex at least twelve times a week with BJs in between, so in no way am I depriving him, I just need some suggestions. Anything would be helpful, I'm desperate.


Pinks rules for a happy marriage with a great sex life....
1. NEVER EVER lie about orgasms. You cannot work together if someone doesn't know what game you're playing.

2. Try it twice. Talk openly. Then decide and respect the decision.

3. Be clean, be fresh, be open, be loving and be playful. Sex should be FUN! Just like kids, happy adults play hard and take nice naps.

4. Women should masturbate often. So long as masturbation doesn't make a woman too sensitive to her partner later that day, the more often a woman masturbates, the easier her arousal will appear and peak.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

pink_lady said:


> Agree with Thor, the first order of business is to go see a good gyno to rule out some sort of medical issue that is causing the pain with intercourse. There could be something physically wrong that you could treat relatively easily.
> 
> Are you clenching your vaginal muscles during sex? That could lead to pain. It's easy to say 'relax'- a glass or two of wine could help. Do you get lubricated?
> 
> ...


Don't want to sound crass but what a post! I agree with everything in here.

I only wish my wife would follow your advice.

OP - I don't think this is a huge issue. Pain - see your gyno. Mental block = try different visual exercises and self "discovery".

Good luck in your quest! Giving your hubby loving 12 times per week makes you a catch and a half!


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

"We have sex at least twelve times a week with BJs in between" with a 10 month old son, is there a Guinness Book of World Records category for that?

As the others have said, get a medical exam first for the pain issue(with a male or female gyno, haha).

Then make an appointment for some self-pleasure. You need to figure out how you orgasm, and then communicate this info to your husband. Mental images are very important for women to reach orgasm, so conjure up the sexiest thoughts you can. You need to be completely relaxed; consider asking your husband for a massage, and then ask him to localize the strokes.

Have fun and explore!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

1-Do you get enough foreplay to make sure you are lubricated before his entry?
2-12 x a week are you happy with that, i.e , you have a HD and crave that much too or are you just appeasing him? This can turn into resentment on your end.
3-12 x a week, Bj's in between, he wants anal you don't....could he have a sexual or porn addiction? :scratchhead:
4-some forms of birth control can screw with your body, are you on birth control pills, if so TALK TO YOUR DOC Without enough lubrication the vaginal wall can get scratched. 
5- If you are completely happy and your doc finds nothing wrong add some K-Y jelly

I am a female

Good Luck!


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