# Sticky  When is enough, enough



## Amplexor

I thought I would share something very personal today. The last couple of weeks I’ve found myself in several threads about how long do you go on in an unhappy marriage. When is enough, enough. Not long ago was the first anniversary since I found out about my wife’s emotional affair. A couple of weeks later I received the “I’m not in love with you anymore” speech. At the time I was crushed, hurt, angry, frightened, confused, astonished and in general pretty screwed up. For weeks I couldn’t get full control of my emotions, couldn’t sleep, felt angry with her, blamed myself, lost my confidence, lost weight and couldn’t concentrate at work. I also realized how far I had let my love for her go over time. While in this period, neither my wife nor I raised our voices because we knew that at any given moment we were just one step away from one of us walking out the door for the last time. For those of you out there finding yourselves in this situation please take heart that things can get better but it takes time. I initially doted on my wife and tried to fix things as quickly as possible. Flowers, dates, cards, deep discussions… It was too much for her to process and it probably pushed her further away from me. We both came to the conclusion that we needed to give things time and let things build for us at a slower pace. We sought counseling for our marital woes and faith for our spiritual health. It took my wife seven months just to realize she was actually in love with him and it was not just a friendship. Something I had suspected for a long time. Contact ended in January and it has been difficult for her. With confidence, love, patience and faith I hope that I can help her rediscover her love for me and the marriage will be stronger than ever. While we have both endured much pain and anxiety over the past 12 months we have also enjoyed a lot of happiness. We have become great friends again and spend more time together than we have in years. We have seen our children reach milestones together and supported each other in times of personal and professional losses. We took our first vacation alone together in 18 years. We learned ball room dancing. We have both developed a more profound understanding of what each of us is all about and what we need in the marriage. We communicate at a level that was impossible for us a year ago. We learned that no matter what was going on between us that we had to protect our children and take our issues off line when they were in need of our help. While there is still no sexual intimacy between us, we laugh, hug and kiss daily. One day I pray she will wake up feeling the deep love she felt for me for so many years and our marriage will take the another step forward. While not easy, this year has also been a rewarding and insightful time for us both. She now understands that I am a man of great patience and love. I see the woman I fell in love with 20+ years ago and all of her wonderful qualities that make me love her so much. People do fall back in love, I did. Now I patiently wait for her to do the same. Is it a happy marriage? No, but it is happier than it’s been in years. While our life is not whole yet, and may not be for a long time, our relationship is relaxed, caring and open and our children see that. No matter how this ends we can both look back with pride knowing that we did everything possible to save the marriage and both emerged better people for it. Most importantly we have given our children another year to mature and grow and if it ends badly they will have that much more maturity to deal with it. Have faith all, there is hope when a marriage falters. People can change and relationships can recover but you must work together and accept there may be no quick fixes. As long as there is no abuse or lack of respect, give your marriage time to heal one step at a time. Bless.


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## draconis

WOw, thanks for the words of wisdom amp I think this can and will help many people. From time to time I would like to link back to this thread because you have so many good points.

draconis


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## happilymarried67

Thank-you for sharing your personal story. It gives me hopes in a marriage constant ebbing and flowing that if you work on it with a spiritual level and you don't lose sight of one and other you can keep a marriage or save a marriage. I am happy that you have come so far with your marriage and I hope it continues to grow in a loving manner. Heal one day at at time.


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## swedish

Amp,

Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I think for many, it is often a struggle between 'you only live once' and wanting a quick fix or move on versus really take the time and put in the effort needed.

We do only live once, but if in that life you put forth the effort that although is difficult, really makes you a better person, the time has been well spent.

All well said and I'm sure this will inspire many who read it, as it did me.


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## Green-Moo

Thanks for posting your personal story Amp. None of this is easy, but it is good to know that it's possible to pass through and out the other side.


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## Amplexor

Because there have been so many people here in dire situations in their marriages of late, I thought I would resurface this thread from 16 month ago. I felt an update was in order to hopefully serve as inspiration to some on the board who find themselves were I was over two years ago, 16 months ago, a few months ago.... I now find myself in a much better place and so does my wife. We are still together, still working on the marriage and still improving it.

Since I wrote that there have been more challenges and milestones in our lives as a couple and family. We have seen our children continue to grow in a caring and calm environment. We have seen one leave for college and another make great strides socially, academically and athletically. We have seen close friends and family members suffer the devastation of divorce and the impact on their kids. Those have only stiffened our resolve. There has been a job change, the financial plunge in our retirement accounts that comes a long with the economy. A drop in income for me personally as I am a commissioned sales person. Personal triumphs and set backs for all of us in our family. My wife stubbed her toe and began contact with TOM again after 8 months of no contact. I suspected and asked her, she was honest with me, confirmed and gave me the details. It had been very light and had not going on for very long in term. I did something I had never done with my wife in the history of our marriage. A carefully worded but firm ultimatum was delivered. I gave us both some time to think about the conversation and the impact on us both. A couple of weeks later she terminated the relationship for good. It was difficult for her and she resented me for making her do it. It set us back a bit but we slowly recovered. For six months, I let go of trying to recover her emotional attachments to me. I continued my changes in life but didn't push romance, date nights or physical intimacy. She got past her anger and hurt, I recovered my trust in her. Our close friendship held us together and helped us move forward slowly. Physical intimacy increased and eventually so did sexual intimacy after a two year abstinence. With intimacy grew stronger bonds between us emotionally. I once again became her emotional center and my love of her increased and deepened. Our ability to communicate and show empathy for each other operates at a higher level than I think it ever has in the history of our marriage. We are both happier than we have been in years. 

Two and a half years ago, when I discovered her EA I gave the marriage less than a 25% chance of surviving the year. At the time I wrote this this thread last year the figure reversed with a 75% chance of success. At this point we both agree that unless something goes terribly wrong the marriage will go on and prosper. It is out of danger. The only thing missing is that my wife still does not have that "in love" feeling for me. I've not heard her say I love you in 2 1/2 years. But she is very committed to me, our marriage and family. I have my lover, my best friend and my closest confidant back at my side and so does she. When I hear those three little words again I will be able to finally close this chapter in our story and I still pray for that day. But in the meantime the marriage is good for us both. We spend all our available time together as a family and couple. We rarely pass each other in the house without an embrace, a kiss or a pat on the rump. 

Marriages do come back and I will be forever thankful that mine was one of the lucky ones. Good luck all. Bless.


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## StrongEnough

I am glad to hear things are going well for you Amp! Cheering you and your family on!


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## Mommybean

Thanks for bringing this back to the surface!! Hoping nothing but good things for you and yours!


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## Deejo

Amp, what is apparent is that both you and your wife have committed to the effort. Mistakes are made, boundaries set, making the effort together. This is the give and take that defines the health of any relationship.

It is easy to look at the landscape and throw your hands in the air. I have thought to myself a number of times that from the moment you start a romantic relationship, in whatever capacity - you have just started a countdown.

I'm not that pessimistic any more. It is very easy for the success stories here to be overwhelmed by the all too common issues so that so many of us come here with - myself included. 

However, that is not why this site is valuable. Most if not all of those who come here, want the reconciliation, the resolution, the apology, or forgiveness. Most people want to recover the good, the positive, the happy, the balance.

Nobody comes here initially looking for ways to torpedo their relationship. They are looking for ways to save it. That is a good thing. We still have hope. Even if not with the partner that brought us here, we hope for better and want to be better.

Thanks for sharing.


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## Believe

Thank you so much for the update. It does give me hope. My H and I have been separated for 9 months and we too get along better, laugh, enjoy the children together with a much greater respect. I am still holding strong to my marriage. I have fallen in love with my H even more than I thought possible. Now it is just a game of patience. 
Good Luck to you and your wife.


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## Corpuswife

Amp: You are awesome for posting this for us folks that need uplifting! It takes alot of time and patience..even when you don't see the light.

I've read that many marriages, 5 years after a crisis, have resolved themselves and are happier. That's if they stick together and if it's not severe (addictions/multiple or long term affairs and ongoing addiction or ongoing abuse). You are proving this after 2.5 years.

It's been 1 years since my H realized that he no longer was "in love" with me or should I say...he told me. He probably was unhappy for another year prior. We are separated for 3 months and he's already filed for divorce. As time goes by we get friendlier and more supportive. Like we were naturally in our married life (over 24 years). I know he thinks his life is going to be better after the divorce (grass is greener) but like I told him..."your life isn't better 3 months into separation and limited contact...how is it going to be different after the divorce?" 

Keep us posted. Congrats!


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## voivod

you provided hope here, a long time ago. i hope to replicate your success.


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## hoping

voivod said:


> you provided hope here, a long time ago. i hope to replicate your success.


Ditto! thank you so much for taking the time from your busy day and sharing your success with us so that so many can find hope. 

i can't speak for any one else but i search for these kinds of stories. They keep me going and keep me trying and that along with all the caring support i find here is what as made me turn a complete 180 and not give up, not throw my wife to the curb, and in short not make what would have been ,potentially, the biggest mistake of my life... 

in the VERY short time that i have been on this forum i have found the strength and courage to confront my wife on several issues as well as let go of a few that are minor issues. we have spent time together and worked out a plan that keeps us from having friction and still gives us more "quality time" together. things are yet to show any real improvement but we have just begun... we may not survive as a couple but atleast the advice and support i have found here has made me able to see things clearly and given me the the strength to do every thing i can so that if it does end badly, i will know, that i have tried all i could and done my best to make it work.


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## Roundtable

Great story. I hope my marriage can indure it's problems. My story is in the general section "She says she's "done" I am not giving up on "us"


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## Amplexor

Thank you all for your kind words. I hope others find hope in our story. Deejo, you are very correct, it was and continues to be a joint effort. But there were times when I am sure I was fighting the battle alone because at first she wasn't sure she was even willing to try. I owe my wife a great debt in her decision to try and recover and I know she suffered just as much pain and anxiety as I. Best of luck everyone.


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## lost1234

Thank you so much for the inspiration! i am starting to believe that tine may be able to heal all wounds! best of luck to you and your family!:smthumbup:


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## Amplexor

Amplexor said:


> The only thing missing is that my wife still does not have that "in love" feeling for me. I've not heard her say I love you in 2 1/2 years.


For years my wife had built an emotional wall around herself to protect herself in what was a very unhappy marriage. The barrier was built with the strongest brick, mortar and rebar she could muster. She built it well. Bringing down that wall proved to be one of the most difficult challenges of my life. At times it felt impenetrable. But another breach occurred in it a few weeks ago. Those three little words she couldn't find in her to say to me slipped out. They have been repeated on several occasions since. So our story progresses again in a positive direction. I know she still searches for the Eros love for me and I think she will eventually get there. But for now, this was just one more step in the process. Good luck all.


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## lastinline

You are a stronger and better man than I. I applaud you on the fortitude and courage it took to reclaim the most wonderful prize life has to offer, a sound marriage. LIL


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## Amplexor

lastinline said:


> You are a stronger and better man than I.


Thank you for the kind words, LIL. Greatly appreciated but I have kept up with most of your threads and story and I hardly consider myself a better man. I've seen your efforts, pain and sacrifices in trying to recover your marriage. You explored all avenues available to you and didn't just say screw it at the first obstacle, or the second or third as many do. It is I that commend you. I am not a better man but perhaps more fortunate in that my wife was willing to make the changes, sacrifices and accept her portion of the fault in the demise of a once near perfect marriage. You have not had that advantage in your quest and I am so sorry. It does take two to recover a marriage that goes so far south. I wish your wife had given you, your marriage and your family the proper respect and effort for a better outcome. Bless and best of luck as you move forward to a new phase in your life.


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## ConfusedinColumbus

Glad to see things are still moving forward Amp...great news indeed!


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## morningdew

Thank you so much for sharing this uplifting testimony of your marriage and its journey. Sure gives me hope to rebuilt my own marriage.


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## OneMarriedGuy

Three cheers!!

Hip, hip ... Hooray!


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## anonymus

I applaud you....and your wife...at least she gave your marriage a chance. My husband does not want to...he does not even see how I am also hurting and how we are to blame for our marriage's demise. If anything it's all my fault


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## F-102

Thanks for posting your story, Amp. It made my day!!!


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## dantanph

Thanks for sharing! It made me cry.

One thing I realized in whatever I am going through right now, love is not enough to win back the person you love. Mine was not enough for the father of my son to give our marriage and our family another chance.

Sad. But it is hard to push yourself to someone who obviously is not into you anymore.


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## Amplexor

On the eve of Thanksgiving I thought now would be a good time for an update. If you've read the full thread you'll know my wife and I are now three and a half years post discovery that our marriage was nearly at its end, her EA, divorce was almost unavoidable and the fact that I had not been the kind of husband I thought I was. Now, three and a half years later we have come full circle. I don't know exactly when it happened, it came without fan fair, celebration or a deep serious talk. My wife's actions told me over the past few months that she has fully returned to the marriage and that she holds the kind of love for me she did 25 years ago when we first fell in love. The brightness in her voice when she answers the phone, knowing I am calling. The look in her eyes when we first see each other after work. The closeness and warmth I feel when she sits down next to me to watch TV or enjoy a fire and some music. For us it was a long journey, difficult, nearly unbearable in the beginning. Slowly we drew back to each other. The trust and love grew and strengthened. It needs not be said, we love each other, we did what we had to do to sheppard our marriage back to happiness from the destruction and despair we both had a hand in creating. The years of neglect, the EA, the arguments and harsh moments are only a distant memory. The memories remain in my mind but not a memory of despair but as a benchmark that serves to remind me that no matter how good the marriage seems it can be very fragile if we don't remember the errs we made in the past, the lessons they taught us and the truly motivating pain in it all, the thought of losing her as my wife. 

I spent a lot of time here on the forum, both giving advice and receiving it. There are many different theories, plans, strategies and opinions on how to recover a marriage and all have their merit in one situation or another. But here at this point, I still look back the four words I felt would bring us home. I put those words in my signature line when I officially joined TAM in early 2008. I've never changed them and today still feel they were a primary factor in our recovery. I continue to use them today to help propel us forward in marriage and life.

Tomorrow I will be particularly thankful for all I have. To sit at the head of the table, with my marriage in tact, our children around us and other family members and friends completely oblivious to the journey my wife and I have traveled. We managed to get through it without dragging everyone else along for the ride. All the better.

Bless you all and Happy Thanksgiving.


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## swedish

Beautiful update, Amp. Thank you for sharing. Your story is inspiring for sure


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## Gfxbss

Amp,

Your story is truly fantastic. It give me some kind of hope for the trouble in what is hopefully the infancy of our relationship(If you care to read the back-story, it is long but it is at this thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/19895-help.html)

I too feel as if you are a better man than I. I don't know that I could wait so long to hear those three words...... They just mean so much, which I suppose, is what makes them so special when they are truly meant.

Best of luck and congrats,

Gfx


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## disbelief

Perfect thread/story for me at the moment. The song My Next 30 Years just ran through my head. 
I can only hope that my path follows yours and that my W has some breakthrough to get her on that path.
Good Luck and strength to all.


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## Gammyleg

Such a good story, so many positives. I just wish that I was 3 years down the line instead of just 3 months. I have the 'Love', a modicum of 'faith' & 'confidence' but need to work on the 'Patience'

Keep posting, it is inspirational stuff.


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## WasDecimated

Yes, great story and good to hear especially in light of my current situation. Lots of similarities. I hope my out come is as good. This has been an inspiration for me to hang in there.


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## Biff Mcsweeny

Congratulations to you both! 

Absolutely amazing.....gives me great hope in light of my current situation, which is very similar. I just pray that our separation will end soon, and my wife will too begin to find a portion of the love she once felt.


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## daisygirl 41

Thankyou so much for your updates.

Your posts give me hope that my 18 year marriage will survive his EA 6 months ago. I adore my husband but i am in so much pain. He is a good man but i know i need patience and understanding if we are to get through this.

I pray that we are as forunate and our marriage can survive, for our sake and for our 3 chidlren. x


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## Jayb

Amplexor said:


> For years my wife had built an emotional wall around herself to protect herself in what was a very unhappy marriage. The barrier was built with the strongest brick, mortar and rebar she could muster. She built it well. Bringing down that wall proved to be one of the most difficult challenges of my life. At times it felt impenetrable. But another breach occurred in it a few weeks ago. Those three little words she couldn't find in her to say to me slipped out. They have been repeated on several occasions since. So our story progresses again in a positive direction. I know she still searches for the Eros love for me and I think she will eventually get there. But for now, this was just one more step in the process. Good luck all.


What a great journey. Thanks for sharing.

My wife built her wall a few years back. In addition, I struggled and withdrew myself during a tough job and then a year of unemployment. 
Discovery of inappropriate emails/texts caused us to separate. 3 months into it, and I filed for D. After another 3 months of adverserial relations, I slammed on the breaks and sought MC, time, etc.

However, my wife remains disengaged, with no hope of R. We get along great. Our 2 small children have adjusted well. Maybe that's what makes it more painful. She is 2-3 years down her detachment road, where I am starting out again, with under a year of realization. 

I want my marriage restored, but realize it will take way longer than I anticipated or hoped. And, most likely, even through D.

I'm on the path for me. 3 weeks into it. I pray and live minute to minute. baby steps. 

It's the hardest and most painful thing I have ever experienced.


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## jdj

Amplexor was one of the biggest reasons I kept working at this.
Haven't been here in a while and don't know if you still are Amplexor but thank you. Things are almost back to normal for my wife and I and I really do appreciate the encouragement I got from your story, and your private reply to my questions....


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## chocolategeek

jdj said:


> Amplexor was one of the biggest reasons I kept working at this.
> Haven't been here in a while and don't know if you still are Amplexor but thank you. Things are almost back to normal for my wife and I and I really do appreciate the encouragement I got from your story, and your private reply to my questions....


This is true for me as well. During our separation, I was looking for successful reconciliation stories. This one in particular so inspired me with Amplexor's love for his wife, his patience, his faith. Hoping they now have a much stronger bond and more romance. Thank you for sharing with us your story.


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## EI

This is an amazing love story and I thought that it might be a nice inspiration for those of us who are currently working on a positive R of our own. I hope you don't mind my bringing this thread back to the top. I know that you added a link to this to a current post.

Thank you for sharing you story and allowing others to see that with patience, love and a genuine desire to R that it is possible to rebuild a strong or even stronger marriage than before.

I hope that you and your wife are in an even better place, now, than when you last updated us.

Perhaps a new update would be beneficial! Thanks, again, for your honesty.


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## Amplexor

Empty Inside said:


> I hope that you and your wife are in an even better place, now, than when you last updated us.
> 
> Perhaps a new update would be beneficial! Thanks, again, for your honesty.


I have been meaning to get to this for some time but have been busy. We are 5 years post D-Day and fortunately there are no major updates. My wife and I are still in a very good place. We don't talk about "that time" in our marriage. Only rarely does it come up at all. But when it does, we both agree it made us stronger. 

We have continued to honor each others' needs and I am a firm believer in "The Five Love Languages". I make sure she gets the quality time and attention she needs and she attends to my need for physical touch. I rarely trigger anymore and generally that comes from TAM when I read a story that hits close to home. My trust in her has come a long way but I know it is forever altered. She made a mistake, I made plenty of them too. Deal with it Amp! We have set up boundaries regarding social media and former lovers. We've both honored those rules when contacted by someone we were emotionally tied to in the past. Thanks, but no thanks! <Ignore>

We are not a perfect couple and have our issues. We are just much more proactive in addressing them. We've learned that conflict is not a bad thing and is, in fact, a lot healthier than ignoring it as we did for so long. We have discussions not arguments and nary a harsh word has been hurled at each other for many years. 

I have no regrets in my marriage to my wife. I couldn't have picked a better woman to hunker down in life with. She has stated as much to me in her in her affirmations of love. I still feel strongly that we survived something in our marriage that many would not have. The commitment, pain, tears and efforts we both put into the recovery process confirms the vows we took over 25 years ago. "For better or worse." We've seen the extremes on both sides of that one and respect each other even more for it. I consider myself to be very blessed in my marriage and family.


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## southern wife

Amp, thanks for sharing all of this. My I propose a :toast: to you and your wife!


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## CantSitStill

Just read this and want to thank you for sharing this, it's very insiring. We are have a really hard time today. He is questioning himself still whether or not he made the right choice to stay. I pray he doesn't decide he can't handle the memories of what I did to him. It is his choice yes but I know I've learned and will never hurt hubby like that again. Love to see success stories, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

wow this thread is from a long time ago, just looked at the date. Sorry you posted it in another thread so I went and found it 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask Calvin to read this tonight. It does bring alot of us struggling alot of hope. So funny you mention the avioding conflict thing. That's how our marriage got bad, when you avoid it you land up resenting eachother more and more. Sorry I keep coming back here and every time I do I have more to say. Gonna shut up now  I tend to talk to much lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## messeduplady

Just one thing really - thank you Amp  x


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## noas55

Fantastic story! I have tremendous hope for my separation, but this really helps me confirm that I can do this with my wife.
Thank you Amp. You have seen and read the inspiration you have provided MANY on these boards. I hope you do not mind, but I would like to share your story with my wife. It might help her with her doubts as she works on herself.


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## indiecat

I wonder if it had been a PA how things would have worked out? 

The EA part of my h's affair hurt. But once I found out about the PA part I just felt numb and still do.


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## Amplexor

indiecat said:


> I wonder if it had been a PA how things would have worked out?
> 
> The EA part of my h's affair hurt. But once I found out about the PA part I just felt numb and still do.


I have thought about that in the past. My gut reaction is that if it had gone physical, that would have been a deal breaker. I don't think I would have gotten out of the gate on any attempt at R.


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## Blindsided13

AMP- thank you for sharing, my husband just walked out on us straight into another woman's apartment, the I love you but not in love with you speech, refuses to talk to me only through email. Hardly sees our children and only in the early morning for a brief time. I no longer recognize him, I pray every day for clarity, courage and compassion, I want us to try, I want to build a stronger marriage. I can only pray God will put him on the right path, and open his heart to us once again.


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## Pictureless

Blindsided13 said:


> AMP- thank you for sharing, my husband just walked out on us straight into another woman's apartment, the I love you but not in love with you speech, refuses to talk to me only through email. Hardly sees our children and only in the early morning for a brief time. I no longer recognize him, I pray every day for clarity, courage and compassion, I want us to try, I want to build a stronger marriage. I can only pray God will put him on the right path, and open his heart to us once again.


1 Corinthians 7:15
Living Bible (TLB)
15 But if the husband or wife who isn’t a Christian is eager to leave, it is permitted. In such cases the Christian husband or wife should not insist that the other stay, for God wants his children to live in peace and harmony.


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## Mmdog60

Wow good for you. Situations sound similar. Makes me second guess my unwillingness to work things out with my ex.


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## Fordsvt

Amplexor. Thx a bunch. Sounds like my life in some ways. So glad it worked out for you.
I'm into month four of the R. It's going pretty good. We have hope too. My posts sound like yours. Hope my marriage comes back like yours did too. 
Congrats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bayou

That is great , you give me hope, I have been working on my marriage for almost 2 years now, with little improvement, but still trying, I hope the best for you


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## vn1955

Wow! Two and a half years. I'm only in week 3 of reconciliation and already hit a bump in the road. But if it makes for a better marriage, then great, I'm up for the challenge. I hope my husband can stay on the path with me.


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## Kresaera

Thank you for your testimony Amp, my marriage has been nothing but a long ride on a roller coaster and I think we are finally nearing the end of the craziness. Hubby and I are currently in the "2nd honeymoon" phase, and we both know it's an emotional high we are riding and it will stop. We are as prepared for this as possible. I read your stories for inspiration. Thanks again


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## myhearthurts2015

wow....i'm just so in aw that right there is hope, hope for me and my wife yet she might not want to do councling because we can't afford it but...that is hope and i did get teary eyed..i hope yaw's marriage keeps getting better and works out....


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## aine

Amplexor said:


> Because there have been so many people here in dire situations in their marriages of late, I thought I would resurface this thread from 16 month ago. I felt an update was in order to hopefully serve as inspiration to some on the board who find themselves were I was over two years ago, 16 months ago, a few months ago.... I now find myself in a much better place and so does my wife. We are still together, still working on the marriage and still improving it.
> 
> Since I wrote that there have been more challenges and milestones in our lives as a couple and family. We have seen our children continue to grow in a caring and calm environment. We have seen one leave for college and another make great strides socially, academically and athletically. We have seen close friends and family members suffer the devastation of divorce and the impact on their kids. Those have only stiffened our resolve. There has been a job change, the financial plunge in our retirement accounts that comes a long with the economy. A drop in income for me personally as I am a commissioned sales person. Personal triumphs and set backs for all of us in our family. My wife stubbed her toe and began contact with TOM again after 8 months of no contact. I suspected and asked her, she was honest with me, confirmed and gave me the details. It had been very light and had not going on for very long in term. I did something I had never done with my wife in the history of our marriage. A carefully worded but firm ultimatum was delivered. I gave us both some time to think about the conversation and the impact on us both. A couple of weeks later she terminated the relationship for good. It was difficult for her and she resented me for making her do it. It set us back a bit but we slowly recovered. For six months, I let go of trying to recover her emotional attachments to me. I continued my changes in life but didn't push romance, date nights or physical intimacy. She got past her anger and hurt, I recovered my trust in her. Our close friendship held us together and helped us move forward slowly. Physical intimacy increased and eventually so did sexual intimacy after a two year abstinence. With intimacy grew stronger bonds between us emotionally. I once again became her emotional center and my love of her increased and deepened. Our ability to communicate and show empathy for each other operates at a higher level than I think it ever has in the history of our marriage. We are both happier than we have been in years.
> 
> Two and a half years ago, when I discovered her EA I gave the marriage less than a 25% chance of surviving the year. At the time I wrote this this thread last year the figure reversed with a 75% chance of success. At this point we both agree that unless something goes terribly wrong the marriage will go on and prosper. It is out of danger. The only thing missing is that my wife still does not have that "in love" feeling for me. I've not heard her say I love you in 2 1/2 years. But she is very committed to me, our marriage and family. I have my lover, my best friend and my closest confidant back at my side and so does she. When I hear those three little words again I will be able to finally close this chapter in our story and I still pray for that day. But in the meantime the marriage is good for us both. We spend all our available time together as a family and couple. We rarely pass each other in the house without an embrace, a kiss or a pat on the rump.
> 
> Marriages do come back and I will be forever thankful that mine was one of the lucky ones. Good luck all. Bless.


Amp, you are patient and loving more than most men!


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## tig3107

I know this was 7 years ago, but it is the most inspiring testimony I have heard. Thank you so much. I really needed to read that.


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## milltown01

Your message hit me hard - but in a good way. I'm weary of people telling me to give up. My wife of nearly 9 years and I are headed for divorce. We lost a child and we grew apart without realizing it. There has been no infidelity, no abuse - simply two good people losing one another. She thinks it cannot be fixed - I think it can because it had a strong foundation. I have worked very hard to make myself a better person - or maybe to make myself the person I once was. I still love her deeply though she might doubt that but I am a stubborn SOB. I'm willing to fight and fight and fight for her heart. Her family is mad at her because they think she hasn't fought hard enough - my family is mad at me because I won't give up. I love her and I want to fight for her and reading your story energized me when I really needed a boost - so a profound thank you!!


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## IwasBad_ButNowImGood

milltown01 said:


> Your message hit me hard - but in a good way. I'm weary of people telling me to give up. My wife of nearly 9 years and I are headed for divorce. We lost a child and we grew apart without realizing it. There has been no infidelity, no abuse - simply two good people losing one another. She thinks it cannot be fixed - I think it can because it had a strong foundation. I have worked very hard to make myself a better person - or maybe to make myself the person I once was. I still love her deeply though she might doubt that but I am a stubborn SOB. I'm willing to fight and fight and fight for her heart. Her family is mad at her because they think she hasn't fought hard enough - my family is mad at me because I won't give up. I love her and I want to fight for her and reading your story energized me when I really needed a boost - so a profound thank you!!


Wow, Bro.

My wife and I lost a child 10 years back. We thought we survived it and it made us closer - for a while. After grief therapy ended (2 years) we also started growing apart. We adopted to fill in the gap in our lives but while we agreed to do it she became obsessed with the the child and drove us further apart. We are now in counseling and I am more eager than her to fix it. So I know what you are feeling. Hard to give up a bond and connection that was strong enough to go through a loss of a child. Time will tell with us, I guess. Hang in there dude!


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## the guy

The best way to fight for her is to just let her go!


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## Bafuna

I cldnt agree more -The guy-. My husband and I have been seperated for 2.5yrs, he said he wanted out and I let him go. Once i had begged and he refused i accepted his decision and have been a good mother to my kids, treated him with respect but moved on so to speak. So its really with great surprise that i get a msg of R after 2.5yrs last week. 
Im inspired by your story Amp but m also sceptical, proud and afraid that he will again dissappoint me. Also I have lived without him and i know its doable, I cherish the peace and quiet., but long term i do need a partner and what better partner than the father of my children.wx We shall see
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett

There is just no way I am as patient and forgiving as you. I wish i could get past the "meh, I guess I'm better with you than without." Love is the easy part. Trust and feeling like a doormat isn't.


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## bbad

It's amazing that had your marriage failed, a lot of people would say you hadn't been "man up" enough. I'm so glad it worked for you and it shows that we all are in different situations and no advice can be applied to all!


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## Amplexor

Final Update

Ten years ago this month my world flipped. Just as so many who have found themselves here at TAM, I got hit by a 2x4 with the discovery of my wife’s relationship with another man. They say you should trust your instincts when in crisis and I should have early on. After I discovered it, I accused her of having an affair. She scoffed at that as they have never met IRL. She convinced me and herself that it was simply a good friendship. A voice on the phone she could call for advice and support. A male voice that she could bounce ideas off about for our marital woes and ***** about me for a man’s perspective. And he was all too willing to play that role of KISA as well as play her emotions. And in addition to that, plant the seeds in her mind that I was probably already in an affair with another woman. 

For seven months we fooled ourselves into thinking the primary problem in the marriage was me. When he tired of her, he dumped her under the guise of falling on his own sword for the good of her marriage. How ****ing magnanimous of him! It destroyed her emotionally and she buried herself in a cocoon. She withdrew even further from me, trying to conceal her hurt, embarrassment and failure to recognize what it was, that she had gotten herself involved with. She moped around for days before I finally demanded she tell me what was going on with her. She emotionally collapsed. She admitted to me that she was deeply in love with him. She mentally went through the “what if” scenario. A cold splash of water in the face when she recognized that had they met, they would’ve slept together. Something she never “dreamed” she would ever have done to me or our marriage. It scared her when she recognized how she had so totally disconnected from me. And she feared her love for me would never return.

We more-or-less treaded water for another few months until I discovered they were back in contact again. I trusted my instincts this time, confronted and delivered an ultimatum within 15 minutes of the discovery. We both knew it wasn’t a bluff and we were both scared but I was ready to walk. I knew the marriage would never improve with three people in it. In the end, she chose the marriage (Not me) over him. It was the logistics and tangibles of the marriage that kept her in it at that point. The wellbeing of our kids and avoiding a financial disaster for us both. I point this out because too many times on TAM BSs are told that there needs to be the watershed moment with the WS breaks down sobbing, declaring unconditional love and gratitude for the betrayed. We don’t all get that, I didn’t and I really don’t think most do. Sometimes you’ve got to play small ball and take what you can get and look for the next step.

What followed were months of her struggling with herself as to why it happened and why she couldn’t find a way to reconnect with me, even after the affair was over. A lot of self-loathing and doubt, suffering in silence I guess you’d call it. I placed no pressure on her but simply displayed a confidence for her that as long as the no contact rule wasn’t violated, we’d eventually come out the other end. I supported her, but did not pursue her. I gave her time to find her own way back. Things got better and we had the discussion that it was time to restart the sex life even though she didn’t feel she was “emotionally there” yet. My instincts told me it would be a critical and one of the final steps in the recovery of the relationship. The sex was good but also a healing tool that drew us closer, built trust and intimacy. A few months later she professed her love for me. A few months after that, I considered the reconciliation complete. Three and a half years had gone by in the process.

Today we are years passed that, together, happy and content in our marriage. We have learned from the experience and are both better spouses to each other. Empty nesters now, we spend plenty of quality time together. We continue to communicate well and after all this time, we have never had any major conflict between us since this all happened. I would hardly consider us a case study for a successful recovery. We erred as much as we hit. But in the end it all came together for us. I just had to trust my instincts. Both when I put down the ultimatum but also I had to trust them when I put my faith back into her, that with time and patience she’d return to me as my wife and love. She did. For a marriage trying to find its way home, there are no clear plans. I tore my play book up several times during the process. The process is too complicated for any step by step instructions. There are tangibles vs, intangibles, emotions vs, practicalities and a time to put your foot down vs. a time for empathy and support. The best you can do is to gather all the advice you can then trust your instincts.

At this point, I will not plan to update this thread again. You can assume, my wife and I are still happily together more than a decade post D-day. I hope some will find the hope and motivation they need to try and recover their marriages in reading about my journey. I also hope the site administrators will leave this thread stickied in the reconciliation forum. Unfortunately, when a spouse finds themselves on TAM, they are likely in a marriage on the verge of failure. I’d like them to see that it is not impossible to recover but that it may take a long time. But for us, the rewards it has presented us made it all worth it. Best of luck to you all.


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## rockon

Amp,

Thank you for the update. 

Do you plan to visit TAM on a more regular basis? Your sense of humor is sorely missed.


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## farsidejunky

Ty for the update, Amp.

Good to hear from you, brother.


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## Youngwife1000

@Amplexor thank you for sharing, this morning and most of this last week I've felt utterly broken and exhausted trying to find hope that things in my marriage can improve. This morning I've been lost, your post has helped me, find me again. I wholeheartedly want to be in the place you are with your wife one day. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## KC7NOA

I must thank you amp for the post and updates ....

I'm 2 months into my separation and just now starting to get a hold of my emotions.

I started out with Mort foretells marriage Fitness .... i also bought divorce Buster's.

I pray that I can work on myself to be a wonderful man and be very attractive to my wife or somebody else once she starts the divorce and finalizes.

Your post is encouraging that with patience, love and true working on your self, a strong happy marriage can be achieved


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## TXCiclista

Thank you. I needed to see this.


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## chocolategeek

Thank you, @Amplexor. Your story helped me 11 years ago when my husband and I separated for 2 years. It gave me so much hope. All the best to you and your wife.


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## rockon

chocolategeek said:


> Thank you, @Amplexor. Your story helped me 11 years ago when my husband and I separated for 2 years. It gave me so much hope. All the best to you and your wife.


Unfortunately Amp left TAM over 2 years ago. He said he will not be back.

If you look up his last post he explains why.


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