# Weapons the BS should utilise



## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

Hey folks,
I'm not going to say I'm an expert in recovery, I'm still very much in the infancy, infact my situation is heading towards divorce with a liar, no remorse. Narcissistic or sociopath they both fit the grade to be honest. 

But recovery is absolutely necessary for us betrayed, it's part of the fight back.

But, I see a few common trends here (and from my POV) they work, a few of them I see great explanations for. The 180, yes, it works very well, it should be used to detach, protect yourself from emotional abuse and provides the coal to the boilers to go full steam ahead to moving on. The 180 is a given.

This post is more about the advice we often hear about going to the gym/getting out/walking exercise.

Let me explain
I've been super busy with work the last 3 weeks and my wheels have been spinning emotionally, sleep has been poor, generally I've felt a back step in my self healing. 

Due to work commitments I've been unable to do any proper excercise, i usually bank a couple of miles a day walking minimum, but with work there's been no running, no walking my dogs, and certainly no gym. 
The last 3 days I've regained the gaps to go walking and hitting the gym for 60 mins of weights and cardio and Boy oh Boy it's made all the difference. 
It's as if all the emotional poison and overthinking, the whole rut Is smashed out the park it has disappeared. Now I know it's only temporary but I don't care, for now it makes me feel great and is all the more motorvation to keep going. 

Just to pull some weights and sweat it out in front of the mirror has so many gains it shouldn't be underestimated. The sweet thing is that temporary thing need not be, keep it up, I've vowed even if I get home late I'll run the dogs, hit the driving range to smash 100 balls with my driver, do something!!!

I work with people with mental health problems and however effective medication is it shouldn't discount the effectiveness of excercise, walking, connecting with the great outdoors. I see this everyday with people and have joined the choir and am singing the tune.

The excercise gives me more self confidence, self belief, makes me feel fitter, tighter, and I sleep better. You become fitter, not just physically but mentally too. What's not to like?? Plus all the crap we build up in our brains, it's inevitable, a bi product of the betrail of the abuse. It can be minimised, it can be tackled.

I took a two mile stroll yesterday in the pouring rain with my aunt and we spoke about so much. Before we knew it we'd put the world to rights, had some good excercise and both got something good from it.

I'm not saying you should be come the next Connor MCGregor, far from it, but you should do more physically to combat this. The benefits should not be underestimated. What's the end game? a fitter more healthy guy/gal, a fitter more emotionally healthy daddy to my two girls, and when they come (which they do) compliments from any guys or girls you may (when ready) be looking to impress. Trust me, that's worth the slugging it out itself.

To healing !!!!

My two cents.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Danny4133 said:


> Hey folks,
> I'm not going to say I'm an expert in recovery, I'm still very much in the infancy, infact my situation is heading towards divorce with a liar, no remorse. Narcissistic or sociopath they both fit the grade to be honest.
> 
> But recovery is absolutely necessary for us betrayed, it's part of the fight back.
> ...


:iagree:
@Danny4133, you are so right!

My wife and I are now just back from our evening walk. We try to do a minimum of 6 miles a day.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Danny I have come to the conclusion that the hormones produced undetr great stress are deadlier than diabetes. They destroy your heart and degrade the function of several major organs and cause the brain to cease functioning well. The only way to rid them threw intense physical activity until you have resolved the issue causing the divorce. Truth even if you where to lash out by murdering both of them, followed by people who help them leaving no one to hurt your body would still be pumping out these hormones. 

So exercise and ending the adultery though divorce or reconcilation are a must until this issue is settled.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I would say that one of the most important weapons, or maybe more accurately stated, "tools" that I found was the idea that I must respect myself. This meant that though I recognized and acknowledged my faults, I nevertheless learned to demand that I respect myself by charting a course that would preserve and promote my dignity. 

I broke the subject into two realms of action; first is I encourage my dignity and self respect by conforming to a code of ethics and behavior that I deem to be correct. I felt I had to produce this of myself before I could require it from anyone else. Secondly, I hoped to promote my self respect and dignity by not being afraid to reject poor behavior from others. I made a pact with myself to never allow anybody to ever hold me hostage to any type of a relationship. I don't expect others to be perfect, but I do have a list of deal breakers and I have dropped friends, acquaintances and relatives in the past because of them. I hold myself even more accountable than others... it helps my self esteem. 

I've been on this path for over two decades and I can say from experience it has profoundly blessed my life. I feel I have a close circle of friends and family who give utmost respect and esteem to me. I am highly motivated to reciprocate and I feel they are worthy. Sometimes one of us will stumble, self included, but usually it ends well. I have also become more skillful in vetting those who I allow into my inner circle and it's important to not be conceited about it. 

Experience has taught me that adulterers, liars, addicts, radicals and attention *****s are to be avoided.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I would say that one of the most important weapons, or maybe more accurately stated, "tools" that I found was the idea that I must respect myself. This meant that though I recognized and acknowledged my faults, I nevertheless learned to demand that I respect myself by charting a course that would preserve and promote my dignity.
> 
> I broke the subject into two realms of action; first is I encourage my dignity and self respect by conforming to a code of ethics and behavior that I deem to be correct. I felt I had to produce this of myself before I could require it from anyone else. Secondly, I hoped to promote my self respect and dignity by not being afraid to reject poor behavior from others. I made a pact with myself to never allow anybody to ever hold me hostage to any type of a relationship. I don't expect others to be perfect, but I do have a list of deal breakers and I have dropped friends, acquaintances and relatives in the past because of them. I hold myself even more accountable than others... it helps my self esteem.
> 
> ...


I believe this is a very important post. I think it all starts from within ourselves. Though, when unable to think in the beginning, exercise is likely the best way to get to a point that one can start thinking about these changes. 

How do you suggest a person learn a code of their own? Are there books or even people that influenced you that would be available to the general BS?


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Danny I have come to the conclusion that the hormones produced undetr great stress are deadlier than diabetes. They destroy your heart and degrade the function of several major organs and cause the brain to cease functioning well. The only way to rid them threw intense physical activity until you have resolved the issue causing the divorce. Truth even if you where to lash out by murdering both of them, followed by people who help them leaving no one to hurt your body would still be pumping out these hormones.
> 
> So exercise and ending the adultery though divorce or reconcilation are a must until this issue is settled.


very true John,
I've found through exercise Im better emotionally and can think / sleep / work / relax much better, it's literally a dr jekyll and mr hyde scenario. The physical activity when in crisis can not be discounted as a good asset toward recovery.


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## Danny4133 (Jul 24, 2016)

commonsenseisn't said:


> I would say that one of the most important weapons, or maybe more accurately stated, "tools" that I found was the idea that I must respect myself. This meant that though I recognized and acknowledged my faults, I nevertheless learned to demand that I respect myself by charting a course that would preserve and promote my dignity.
> 
> I broke the subject into two realms of action; first is I encourage my dignity and self respect by conforming to a code of ethics and behavior that I deem to be correct. I felt I had to produce this of myself before I could require it from anyone else. Secondly, I hoped to promote my self respect and dignity by not being afraid to reject poor behavior from others. I made a pact with myself to never allow anybody to ever hold me hostage to any type of a relationship. I don't expect others to be perfect, but I do have a list of deal breakers and I have dropped friends, acquaintances and relatives in the past because of them. I hold myself even more accountable than others... it helps my self esteem.
> 
> ...


WOW, thank you so much for this, it's given me something else to work on and think about, yes this is all very true.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*That's why this ranch gig that I'm engaged in is so effective in keeping me busy physically to the point that I have little to no time to ponder my XW's sordid past!

As far as I'm concerned, they are both someone else's problem now!*


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> I believe this is a very important post. I think it all starts from within ourselves. Though, when unable to think in the beginning, exercise is likely the best way to get to a point that one can start thinking about these changes.
> 
> How do you suggest a person learn a code of their own? Are there books or even people that influenced you that would be available to the general BS?


For me it was a long tedious process, rather than an event. I was fortunate that I already possessed a sense that I had to be true to myself if I were to survive. My religious values were a foundation that helped, but the reality is that the code I discovered ALWAYS centered on issues of honesty. I'm convinced that the element of honesty figures prominently in all subjects of adultery and other forms of betrayal. In my mind it always comes down to whether a person is honest or not. 

In order to protect myself I try to push myself to be as honest as I'm capable. Requiring a high level of integrity from my friends and family also serves to protect me. The tricky part is determining when to cut ties with someone who too often strays into the gray zone of the honesty issue. I try to err on the side of being tolerant, but have regretted it once in a while. In my marriage relationship I take a fairly black or white approach and most forms of dishonesty are non negotiable deal breakers for me. 

Exercise would have helped me greatly during my betrayal, but I wasn't aware of its importance, and frankly I was too shattered to even care.


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