# Getting to be too much



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think I've reached the point of critical mass. I literally cannot handle any more stress. It feels like DH is cruising through, thinking it's all good, the wife will do it all, and I'm sinking.

I'm the only one organising buying the business, working, selling a house, the household, the financials, the kids, the animals, the cars. The yard is just on it's own because I literally don't have the energy to care, though I'm the only one who will water the plants, and I think when that didn't happen on the weekend (and my Mum is going to kill me if her seedlings die), I reached that point of stress where I start tossing and turning all night. I've been awake since at least 2am, can't sleep, stomach churning.

A little stress is a good motivator, a lot just makes me want to bury my head in the sand. Saps my motivation like a black hole.

Editing to add: Stuff it, I don't know why I'm letting DH lump it all on me. I'm handing all the buying the business stuff to him and if he doesn't want to do it, it's not going to happen. Even the people selling it are just expecting me to do everything. Well, fvck this and fvck them.


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## Enoxprin (Apr 8, 2014)

So this might not help you at all but my friend used to be in the same situation. Her hubby is very laid back and he would not do anything on his own. She is always on the go person at home. Anyway when she decided to take more responsibility at work she realized that she could not take care of her kids, animals, job, house all on her own. Well she talked to her husband about it and it seemed like it worked for a couple of days but it really did. So he just let go. She did what she could do without stressing herself out. Her awesome philosophy is: 

Well if hubby is home and does not cook then they can order food in because she is not going to work all day then come home and cook 

If hubby wants washed clothes he can do the laundry himself 

The house is a mess? well it will get cleaned when she has time but no one will die because of it. 


So I guess what I am trying to say is relax, talk to your hubs about it. If you keep picking up the slack and doing everything he will never do it. If he is able to cook but he knows that if he does not then you'll end up cooking anyway when you get home then he'll never cook..... 

idk if it makes any sense. It worked for her from what she tells me. Her husband has been a lot more active in household chores lately


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Very good that you are setting limits, breeze. Too many women don't, and carry the whole load. Glad to hear you are getting off that train.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

As you suggested a good dose of F*ckitall is what's needed here.
Let things crumble according to what you can manage and feel like managing, after the dust settles, what's left is what's sustainable. Nature is a beast, and the time-space continuum can't be messed with. After taking F*ckitall the world becomes a much happier place. Don't listen to anyone who whines because you've 'changed'. 
Just tell them you decided to stop lying about what you like to do and what you're willing to do, and you'll choose your investments of time, energy and money as you please. Which, I firmly believe, is the only sane way to live.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Thanks for your support guys. I've pulled myself out of that slump a bit. Managed to get a good nights sleep last night, hopefully I will again tonight.

I told DH I'm getting stressed and how it feels like there's too much on my plate. I told him it was up to him to organise the rest of the business purchase and he seemed okay with that.

As for the household stuff, he thinks he does his fair share, but in reality he's looking at life from a teenage boys point of view I'm thinking. A house, garden, cars etc take a lot more work than he's ever been prepared to take on. He thinks if he changes the oil once a year and washes the car once every 3 months, if that (just the outside, never seen him clean the inside), that he's doing just fine as a car owner. He thinks that if he mows once a month and nothing else that he's keeping up with the yard work.

I don't know how to take off his blinkers at this late stage of life. I really dislike his mother, and having to deal with someone who has no clue about how to look after his stuff just makes me dislike her more, lol.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

How about making a list of ALL the things that need to be done (including basics, even, like shopping) and the approximate length of time it takes to do them, then sit down with him and split things equally down the middle so that you both get to have some relaxation time?

It sounds to me like you're running on empty, OP, and before long your health is going to suffer.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I really feel for you. The household responsibilities shouldn't fall on one person's shoulders. This type of setup breeds resentment in family relationships. I think you should list out all the jobs that you currently do and divvy them up/allocate them to each and every family member. You have teenaged boys you mentioned? There is no reason why they can't pitch in and take responsibility. It sounds like your health is starting to suffer worrying, stressing and losing sleep over this. The other family members definitely need to step up and pull their weight.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Fizz, no she said her husband views things through the eyes of a teenage boy. He thinks minimum effort is good enough.

To the OP, if you have two cars, keep yours the way you like and let his become a mess. Give him direction to do stuff and never go behind him to do it again. Choose your battles.

But on another thought - you are buying a house? With someone who doesn't see the grass is 6" tall and it never occurs to him to mow? Much less make sure he checks the oil in the mower, changes the air filter in it, keeps the gas can full and has the blade sharpened? Is he up to the task of cleaning gutters, windows, pruning trees, checking for rot, sealing cracks... are you sure this is what you want with someone who can't see what needs to be done when it's right in front of his face?

Have you considered what this will mean for your marriage? Perhaps you were meant to live in an apartment with no maintenance or yard work.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I've done up lists but he ignores them. I wrote down everything that needed doing, put in times that each chore took, added in our working hours and then divided everything equally so we, theoretically, would do the same amount of hours working in the home and in the workplace.

Anyway, that just fell by the wayside. I struggle to keep my own head above water and I get tired of constantly reminding everyone else to do their stuff. I'd just like everyone to do what they have to without me telling them to go do it.

I'm struggling with the kids a lot lately to do what they're supposed to, so I think that's contributing to my general p1ssed off feelings regarding DH's lack of initiative.

As for buying an apartment instead of a house, I guess that will have to come up for discussion before we buy anything. Looking after my parent's house while they're away at the moment, so we don't have to rush into anything yet.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Breeze, I have been in your shoes and I certainly do understand. My husband was the very same. I would tell him what needed to get done in a day and he then would sit on the computer, seriously! For many years I would ask him if he could do this or that and he did but very reluctantly, like he was angry I even asked. I really think he thought he worked 40 hours a week so his time at home was free time. I work part-time and with everything here I was working more hours a week than he could even imagine. Quite lazy and very uncaring about anything around him. I made up lists, helped to some extent. I tried and tried to be the "nice" person and take the let's do this together approach but his laziness built lots of hard feelings, resentment for me carrying more than my share with everything.

I finally started saying "I will not mow the grass ever again," "You will have to wash your own gym clothes and please do not leave them in the washer anymore." Being kind and trying to get him involved was not working so I set my limits and was firm about it. I am assumed the cook and it is something for me that gets real old so if I don't want to cook we go out to eat and he pays. I have even told husband and teen daughter that we are all making something ourselves for dinner, I'm not fixing. I'll even ask husband to pick up something for dinner on the way home from work. The night before Mother's day knowing if I did not saying something he wouldn't bother to get up with the pets. The dogs are on a time clock and they are used to our week schedule but the still want to get up at the same time on the weekends so I asked husband the night before if he could get up with the dogs in the morning and he agreed and did.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

AVR, I really like the way you handled that situation.


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