# Today



## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

So I take my wife to get her a mani/pedi, wait around like hour and a half... take her to a chick flick movie and out to eat. 
Get home and mention the thought of a bj tonight and she says.. 
"How about we were having a good day today and you would have to bring that up". 
Like it is way too much or outside the realm of reality to give me some pleasure...... F... this! Bout to drop some reality her way.
She is about as selfish as they come...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

She was having a nice girly day. She wasn't in that lustful mode for you and you mentioned the thought of a bj. There's nothing in your post about kissing her or warming up the intimacy side of things. While some women would be happy to oblige because they desire their husbands, for others, especially if intimacy is strained, it's not quite going to work that way. 

Based on this post I don't see her as selfish. I don't think of sexual acts as a trade for having a nice day out. I think the nice day was just that. How lovely you did that for and with her. These things can help her feel cherished by you and may help her feel more amorous towards you, especially if while you're out you snuck in some passionate kisses, held her hand etc. To me, her response of "and you would have to bring that up" sounds as though you have pleaded or bargained for this to happen before, instead of just thinking how wonderful it was that you had a lovely day together. Treating your wife this way should be something you derive pleasure from because it makes her feel happy and loved. 

Without knowing your back story I'd say that if you want to receive oral, then feeling jaded by the fact you took her out for the day and she wasn't willing to give you a bj afterwards, is not going to help get you there. Turning her on, showing her you crave her, and guiding her to meet your sexual needs will help (and assuming she's comfortable with doing this).


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You forgot to booze her up, bad on you!
The point here is game, granted getting her buzzed would have helped but a makeout session would have also help the cause.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

with the amount of money spent you could get that bj elsewhere...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why do you bring it up? That isn't very sexy.

Albeit I enjoy giving my husband head, we are usually in the foreplay mood when he will move to where it's right in my face...I don't know if I'd want to if he asked for one unless it was in a sexy, playful way.

Maybe your wife felt like a prostitute...she put two and two together--- you only spent the day with her for a BJ (in her mind...hopefully not true).


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why do you bring it up? That isn't very sexy.
> 
> Albeit I enjoy giving my husband head, we are usually in the foreplay mood when he will move to where it's right in my face...I don't know if I'd want to if he asked for one unless it was in a sexy, playful way.
> 
> Maybe your wife felt like a prostitute...she put two and two together--- you only spent the day with her for a BJ (in her mind...hopefully not true).


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Why do you bring it up? That isn't very sexy.
> 
> Albeit I enjoy giving my husband head, we are usually in the foreplay mood when he will move to where it's right in my face...I don't know if I'd want to if he asked for one unless it was in a sexy, playful way.
> 
> Maybe your wife felt like a prostitute...she put two and two together--- you only spent the day with her for a BJ (in her mind...hopefully not true).


Because if I don't ask I will never get, even asking has a 99% fail rate. If I get one once per year I am lucky... 
I did not spend the day with her for a bj either.... I just thought that maybe since she would want to reciprocate and give me something special. Of course it was a complete rejection again.
Knowing full well how much I enjoy it she still finds it so easy to say "no". 
If the shoe were on the other foot I would have went through hell or high water to get her what she wanted. I have many times.
She is for a fact a selfish, lazy, and most inconsiderate lover who could care less about my needs..


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

I know how you feel, man. I gave up asking for anything a long time ago. I just wait for the signals for when she's ready to be physical, and then enjoy whatever is available that day. 

If you can ever get her to talk about what would make her more interested and available, it might help you both. When you have the conversation, it's important that you make it safe for her to speak honestly and to express her needs without becoming judgmental or defensive. Good, safe, open, intimate conversation is important for women.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

is she considerate of your other needs and ignores you sexually? or is she inconsiderate of all your needs?


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Discouraged1, Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go immediately to Individual Counseling. Find out what you want our of your relationship. If you do not have kids, do not have sex without a condom till you decide what you want. If you are going to stay, time to man up. Either way, look for the book No More Mr Nice Guy. Look for Atoll's blog also.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

discouraged1 said:


> Because if I don't ask I will never get, even asking has a 99% fail rate. If I get one once per year I am lucky...
> I did not spend the day with her for a bj either.... I just thought that maybe since she would want to reciprocate and give me something special. Of course it was a complete rejection again.
> Knowing full well how much I enjoy it she still finds it so easy to say "no".
> If the shoe were on the other foot I would have went through hell or high water to get her what she wanted. I have many times.
> She is for a fact a selfish, lazy, and most inconsiderate lover who could care less about my needs..


Well, I hate to say this - but it sounds like you and your wife might be a bit of a matched set at this point about meeting each other's needs. 

Expecting your spouse to reciprocate because you did something nice for them is about as unattractive and unappealing as it could get. It might have been much more appealing to your wife to keep the momentum going when you got home or even started it while you were out - being flirtatious, fun, playful, engaging. Many women find a man baldly asking for a sex act to be a turn-off, I know that I do.

“_If you spend too much time warming up, you'll miss the race. If you don't warm up at all, you may not finish the race_.” ~ Grand Heidrich 

Do you know what turns your wife on? Do you know how to turn your wife on? And the big question, do you know WHY your wife doesn't want to be turned on?

Best wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, doing something nice for someone in hopes of getting something for yourself is ....ew.

I still say asking for a BJ takes the fun out of it. Makes it more like a chore. Not sexy.

Maybe she just doesn't like giving BJs. I don't know. But if this happened with my husband, I would feel skeevy and disrespected.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> She is for a fact a selfish, lazy, and most inconsiderate lover who could care less about my needs..


What kind of lover are you? I sometimes find that with these things, water seeks its own level.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yea, doing something nice for someone in hopes of getting something for yourself is ....ew.
> 
> I still say asking for a BJ takes the fun out of it. Makes it more like a chore. Not sexy.
> 
> Maybe she just doesn't like giving BJs. I don't know. But if this happened with my husband, I would feel skeevy and disrespected.


The only thing in favour of this approach is that it leaves his wife in doubt that he would like BJ. If she then rationalises not giving him oral as "because he probably doesn't like it", she knows hse's lying to herself. 


The way the OP went about it was a p1ss-poor approach, but he at least has been honest about what he wants. Is she?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Dude, your approach was way off. However, I realize your deprivation level is effecting your judgment.

Your wife, if she never, ever gives you one despite knowing how much you want one (my presumption, she knows?), is deliberately withholding it.

Why? Could be one of these reasons:


She just plain doesn't like to do it.
She doesn't like to do it for you because she is annoyed with you.
She doesn't realize how much you want this.
You are not satisfying her so she doesn't want to satisfy you.
She has a religious objection.

Or, none, some, or all of the above.

You need to speak with her on a day you are not asking her for a BJ. And find out from her why and if she is not against the act, find out what approach would work.

If the result of the conversation is more disappointment and anger and even less intimacy, then you know your path. 

If the result is a reconnection and intimacy, then you know your path too.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

the guy said:


> You forgot to booze her up, bad on you!
> The point here is game, granted getting her buzzed would have helped but a makeout session would have also help the cause.


She has never been drunk.. yeah now you know how uptight and guarded this one is.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

janesmith said:


> is she considerate of your other needs and ignores you sexually? or is she inconsiderate of all your needs?


Always inconsiderate of the sex, intimacy and affection. She is about as cold as they come. Doesn't cook much anymore so I am always grocery shopping and trying to figure out dinners. She does to clothes and housework.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Well, I hate to say this - but it sounds like you and your wife might be a bit of a matched set at this point about meeting each other's needs.
> 
> Expecting your spouse to reciprocate because you did something nice for them is about as unattractive and unappealing as it could get. It might have been much more appealing to your wife to keep the momentum going when you got home or even started it while you were out - being flirtatious, fun, playful, engaging. Many women find a man baldly asking for a sex act to be a turn-off, I know that I do.
> 
> ...


I did none of this to get something in return.... however once in a while it certainly would be nice. She knows how much I would love to have a bj, same as a kiss with some tongue. Won't happen. 
I can warm her up all day but she ain't getting to that.
No I don't know what turns her on other than for her to lay in bed all day and have me give her a back rub. She won't tell me. Still won't change the outcome.... SHe never touches me and especially below the waist.


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