# Loving yourself after childhood trauma



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

I am realizing more and more that abuse I suffered as a child is causing major problems in my daily life and marriage. I do not want to get into specifics of the abuse, but it was sexual in natural at a very young age. During my engagement (about three years ago), my sister and I finally came out to our family about the abuse after I realized I would never be able to truly enjoy my day if a monster walked me down the isle. My now spouse knew about the abuse, but it was like reliving the experience having to tell my close inner circle. While finally speaking my truth was therapeutic, I am starting to experience nightmares and have this overwhelming feeling of disgust towards myself. I did not go through therapy after telling my close family (had two sessions with an awful therapist), and we never talked about it again. We just act like that time didn't exist and never bring up the said abuser. It had worked for a while but the fake it till you make it method is not working anymore. 

My husband and I have been married for two years now and I can honestly say our relationship continuously improves. He is the love of my life and I cannot imagine life without him. We do have our areas that need improvement, but over the last few days I realized I do project my own self hate and think I am requiring way too much emotional energy from my husband. We do struggle in the intimacy department (he has low T, currently on therapy), which only magnifies my insecurities around being worthy of love, being attractive, etc. I hate to talk to him about these struggles because we hardly get to see each other as is due to opposite work schedules, plus I feel like he has no idea how to react. I feel like I am an emotional vampire constantly needing reassurance, affection, and am overly sensitive when I start having the nightmares again. I am not downplaying the frustration that comes with lack of intimacy or communication struggles, but it shouldn't make me feel THIS bad and question myself in this way. 

Talking about this with my husband makes me feel gross, annoying, and leaves me asking myself why anyone would ever marry someone who is so broken. I generally feel fine while we are together, but once he leaves for work and our baby is asleep I have this overwhelming feeling of insecurity. I start getting paranoid that he will be interested in someone else (I never bring this up, this is all internal) because I just don't feel like I am good enough. He constantly compliments me, tries to make a point to be more affectionate, but I know there isn't anything he can do to fix how I feel. Above all it is really hard putting on a brave face and acting like I am totally fine every day when I just want to curl up and cry.

He has no idea I am struggling in this way and thinks I am just upset about our lack of intimacy (something that is improving). Like I previously mentioned, it really just dawned on me that I am lumping my own self hate from my childhood onto our marital problems. 

I don't know where to start as far as feeling better. Part of my feels like I need to open up to my husband about this, but I absolutely hate bringing it up. I don't see how he can see me in the same way after a talk like that. 

Has anyone had success in overcoming this type of problem within their marriage? I would love a book to read on my own to start with or even insight from a similar experience.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. I believe the audio book is on YouTube as well, if you'd rather listen to it.

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass 

Wounds of the Father is another book, a true story, but it may be a hard read.

I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist. They may suggest medication and will suggest what therapy/therapies would be most beneficial for you. The psychiatrist may also make a diagnosis to allow for a better treatment plan and understanding of yourself. You can also ask for recommendations for a sex therapist, who specializes in trauma, to see with your husband. If these feelings became worse after your baby was born, consider postpartum depression.

It is a very good idea to be open with your husband. As hard as that conversation will be, you will feel better afterwards. He won't look at you any differently, trust me.

For your husband: What About Me by Grant Cameron

For both of you: Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors and Those Who Love Them


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