# Blended family issue



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I am mom to an 18 year old daughter and 15 year old son from a previous marriage and a 1 and 2 year old from current marriage. My second husband and I have been married 5 years. My 18 year old is a student and lives an hour and a half from home to attend school. She likes to come home on weekends to see her boyfriend who lives in same town as we do. My husband throws a fit that she comes every week. He complains she uses power, water and eats our food. I work, I make as much money as he does plus collect child support for the 15 year old. The 18 year old has her education, student accomodations and living expenses 100% covered by a grant so she isn't financially draining us. He uses the excuse that she snoops in cupboards and whispers in the kitchen with her brother. He claims she is messy and he wants privacy with his family. He's a bully. He pouts or makes a scene whenever she's here. He's trying to be so miserable that I'll just give him his way. I won't - she's my daughter. She's not rude nor disrespectful - she's a teen - occasionally thoughtless and messy. My husband is trying to push her out. She's always been here - he married me knowing she existed. How do I get him to back off.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

He's the one acting like a child here. And I've got news for him..she IS family. She became family the day he married you. He's attempting to manipulate and control you by pouting or making a scene when she's there. What message must he be sending to her???? That she's not wanted. How awful for her. I'm glad to hear that you won't give him his way, though he's likely to keep trying or to switch tacts. 

And what...using electricity and eating food? Is he nuts? I'm wondering what his redeeming qualities are that you married him. He must have something. In all honesty, I don't know what you can do to get through to this man. I know what *I* would do, but you might not be willing to do it. And it might not be the right thing to do anyway. I'd just tell him like it is. That SHE is my daughter, she WILL come visit, and he WILL shut up about it or he's going to be in an empty house and paying child support. And if he didn't, I'd follow through with my threats. I have no patience or tolerance for men like this anymore. I'm just too old, I suppose. 

That's assuming you've already sat him down and had a heart-to-heart with him. Assuming you've already told him that his actions are hurting YOU, and will alienate your daughter. Assuming you've tried to reason with him and show him that his behavior isn't conducive to blending families cohesively. 

I'm really sorry. This shouldn't even be an issue.


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## Kitty_Kat (Dec 16, 2010)

Sorry, but the way he is acting is just plain wrong. Why on earth is he trying to alienate your child? I am sure she can pick up on it, the poor girl. It is so good that you aren't buying in to his crap just to make him happy. I totally agree with major misfit, just lay everything in front of him. I am sure he will hate it, but HE is the one making you choose between YOUR child and him.


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## dawgs (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree with all of you on the issue that the child should be welcome in the home when she comes for the weekends. I will say however that depending on the kids behavior, she may be bringing some tension into the HH. Is she treating the house like a hotel, eating..sleeping...showering...and making a mess and not cleaning up after herself? Guidelines need to be set for both the husband and the kid.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

dawgs said:


> I agree with all of you on the issue that the child should be welcome in the home when she comes for the weekends. I will say however that depending on the kids behavior, she may be bringing some tension into the HH. Is she treating the house like a hotel, eating..sleeping...showering...and making a mess and not cleaning up after herself? Guidelines need to be set for both the husband and the kid.



Totally agree. And something I'll need to keep in mind when my kids become teenagers...to continue cleaning after themselves.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I thank all of you for your response. Since I posted, things have improved quite a bit. I pinned down exact areas that were bothering my husband. I gave him credit for what made sense but not his method of dealing with it (making her feel unwelcome and causing tension due to temper tantrum and fits). To further continue with progress, we have an appointment on the 26th for MC. We need assistance with communication and boundaries.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, I was just going to say that communication is what's going to solve this. I'll bet he married you thinking that, eventually, he'd have your kids out and then he could have his 'real' family all to himself. Now that she keeps coming back, he's scared that will never happen. You may want to help him visualize what her life is going to be like: the older she gets, the less often she comes to YOUR house, and more often she goes and stays with friends (or boyfriends, lol; she IS 18 after all). Reassure him. But tell him he's acting like a twit.


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