# a little help/insight?



## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I've been with my man for almost a year now. i moved in around spring break, and mostly everything is wonderful. I mean, he's a good man. I know he's a good man. his heart seems to be in the right place with most things, he does mostly make me happy. and I can't seem to figure where or why i'd have room to complain or feel like something is wrong.

But, i feel like he avoids conversation like the plague. I mean, he'll talk everyone elses ear off except mine. I ask how his day was and he'll say good, and then carry on to other people with all these stories about work. everyone loves him, and he's mister social butterfly and everyones best friend when we're out and I either have to find my own social interaction or follow him around. 

I broke down in an emotional break down in tears telling him how things made me feel, and that i consistently felt i wasn't good enough or doing things well enough for him and he told me it was pathetic and immature, then apologized two weeks later when i brought it up. the only reason it was brought up was because we argued over me inquiring about something to do with his ex wife.

He's left his phone home twice now when he's gone out with out me, which i'd understand if I constantly blew up his phone, but I don't. at most I'll send a text to find out when i should have dinner ready by.

it also seems like anything that is of importance to me, he avoids, wants nothing to do with and it does not rank in his world. he doesn't want to meet my friends, go do anything that involves them and stands there in silence staring off or on his phone when he does go with me. it's the same way when just he and i go out. no conversation. he looks disinterested and is silent and stand offish. But i ask or inquire and I'm crazy.

I'm tired of hearing that i'm a drama queen, jealous, immature, over emotional and paranoid. I hate that he expects me to live with, tend to, and take care of his son, but not assist in anything to do with his parenting. and its not like i'm asking to be mom. I made a couple suggestions that would help and expressed that i felt it was important that the two of us are united, on the same page, and that its important that his son doesn't think dad out ranks when i tell him something.

which happened, i told his son he could not use something of mine, and the kid immediately asked his father right in front of me. 

I'm beginning to feel like by being here, and behaving like i'm in a relationship, i'm intruding on his life. I feel like in a relationship there's communication, working together, and friendship. 

and even though i'm generally happy, i feel as if that's lacking and like i'm not really "with" him, just a roommate with benefits.

what's that sound like to you guys? you're my experts here.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they necessarily should be in a relationship together.

So when I say "you two aren't right for each other" you will probably say "but I looooooooove him". Sadly, a lot of people think that just because they loooooove someone, that means they "should" be together.

It doesn't.

It take much more than love to make a great, long lasting relationship.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Just because two people love each other, doesn't mean they necessarily should be in a relationship together.
> 
> So when I say "you two aren't right for each other" you will probably say "but I looooooooove him". Sadly, a lot of people think that just because they loooooove someone, that means they "should" be together.
> 
> ...


How do they know they "love" each other? It could be lust and attraction and sex...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't. I'm assuming the OP thinks they do.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I can promise you that after the things that lead to my divorce, puppy love cutest desperate reactions like that are out the window if they ever were in it in the first place. My husband was the only loss I didn't want to accept and fought.

But I do not soley rely on my "intuition" because I do think that sometimes we make mountains out of molehills. I'm not sure where these subtle things are stemming from and someone may know something I don't.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

OK well then, why are you still there, hon? He isn't fulfilling you, it sounds like you actually dislike him due to the way he is treating you...what more do you need to know? Why stay?


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Maybe it's just me but your post is filled with red flags that I would personally not ignore.

I may be wrong but based on what you wrote I don't see this being a very good relationship for you.

I see..
1 poor communication
2 dr jekyl/mr hyde (puts on a totally different persona when you're out alone vs when you're with other people)
3 he insults you (pathetic & immature)
4 you're degrading yourself (telling him you didn't think you were good enough for him-you're a perfect victim for him)
5 leaving his phone shows he not available to you
6 assuming he has some sort of schedule Id think you would have a guesstimate of when he'd be back for dinner- you calling tells him you're sitting there waiting for him
7 he avoids anything that's important to you- he thinks he's superior
8 possibly projecting his feelings onto you (drama queen, over emotional,jealous, paranoid) could be how he feels about himself 
9 sure he wants you around, you can take care of his kid, but you don't qualify to parent

That's just my opinion. Good luck.

If I were you, I WOULD RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Because of my swing in moods. I am completely happy to be with him almost all of the time. 

There's a lotvof contradiction in that. I can go from happy and care free to miserable because one thing set off a chain reaction of however many times something similar was said or done.

So I question myself on that. 

Which makes me wonder if my needs really aren't being met or if I'm just off balance. I knew my husband wasn't meeting them ditto my prior to him ex and I was miserable consistently.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

bailingout said:


> Maybe it's just me but your post is filled with red flags that I would personally not ignore.
> 
> I may be wrong but based on what you wrote I don't see this being a very good relationship for you.
> 
> ...



Well in my defense, I enjoy having dinner ready when he gets home. But schedule differs depending on if he stops for drinks or not so I ask.

But I don't think either of you are wrong. I think I question myself more than I should.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CLucas976 said:


> Well in my defense, I enjoy having dinner ready when he gets home. But schedule differs depending on if he stops for drinks or not so I ask.
> 
> But I don't think either of you are wrong. I think I question myself more than I should.


Stopping for drinks easily turns into getting into affairs or positions which aren't safe!

Maybe he should invite you when he's thinking about it, but it's no big deal to need that outlet before he gets home, since home should be a heaven that you guys have for each other.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

The stopping off doesn't bother me strangely. That's what he tells me all about. And not in over detail or under detail or exaggeration. He hides nothing except whatever his stance is on things and the important relationship defining conversations.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

So listen to what the man is really telling you with words and actions, and ask yourself if that is what you want also.

I bet it isn't, if you are honest with yourself.

He wants a relationship where he is never challenged or asked to grow, where he never has to face any of his own shortcomings, and where nothing is ever made difficult for him.

You want that too, or would you rather have a relationship where each partner wants to grow and learn and improve in all areas of life, including in relationship skills?


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you are selling yourself short. He calls you all these things:

"drama queen, jealous, immature, over emotional and paranoid. I hate that he expects me to live with, tend to, and take care of his son, but not assist in anything to do with his parenting."

You express how you feel but he doesn't want to hear it. As a matter of fact, he doesn't want to hear anything from you, which is why there is no communication. He likes you better seen and not heard. It's his way or the highway, which is why anything you feel is of no importance.

Your self-esteem is through the floor. For some reason, you think this is love. I promise you - this is not love. You must be projecting what you think is love on this guy. You love the idea of love. people who love each other think each other is important, what they have to say, what they do, their friends, interests. 

He makes you feel like you're not good enough and you don't do things well enough, so although you think that you love him, what does he love about you? If this is how he makes you feel, he must feel that you are not good enough.

So what is the glue that holds you two together? I know what he probably likes - you take care of his son, though he undermines you, and you make dinner, and you probably have sex whenever he wants.

But what in the world could you possibly like about him? And don't sugar coat it. The good times DO NOT rug-sweep the bad times, which are a lot. You deserve better than this and you know it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay I made my own list:

He won't communicate.

He ignores you when you go out.

He calls you AWFUL names when you dare tell him how you feel.

He minimizes your feelings.

He leaves his phone home so you can't reach him.

He avoids all things that are important to you.

Won't meet your friends.

Makes you raise HIS kid.

My vote is RUN forest RUN.

Sigh but I read your other posts and know you won't so I wish you well.

Hope he's worth it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The lists given in these posts....hit home...given your opening explaining of the relationship and his treatment / lack if affection to you.

This man is not treating you like you are a priority in his life, his woman, his #1... even if you DO have some insecurities, and some things to work through, he is not showing the love and concern that YOU Need that could lift you higher, this is what people do when they love someone, we are all a little broken and imperfect in some areas... when you love, you work to help the other overcome as best you can, to encourage and inspire... what they bring should make you feel on top of this world..

Of course... a man can not BE all to any woman, or vice versa... but to be able to count on them to UNDERSTAND us during our down times, show a supporting attitude, interest in us....this needs to be on the plate and consistent for a relationship to thrive... but what you have expressed... he is showing his enthusiasm /social butterfly gifts -sharing them with others - his attention elsewhere, buried in his phone when you are near, being stand off ish...... How can you not feel "used" , and taken advantage of...anyone would !

ANother vote... RUN.... you need to find one who is willing to give you his heart, his time, his attention, his enthusiasm, and when you have a breakdown to hold you, listen to you, soothe you, a real man wants to help his woman feel better...... his waiting 2 weeks while you had to bring it up again... very COLD!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I wish I had an arguement. But at the same time I hear it elsewhere. There is a lot that makes me love him and I'm not completely on my own either. He does take car of me. He holds and lays with me when my endometriosis is killing me and brings me whatever I need. I had one flat tire and two days later had a new set of tires that he put on himself. He spent more time Sunday fixing my car. He cooks for me also. He holds me at night.. there's a lot of conflicting characteristics that make me think hes just old fashioned or whatever you call it. 

I think what's happening is me learning my own needs and boundaries. Even if its in a sh*t way.


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