# engaged and scared!



## engagedhelp (Dec 6, 2011)

Hi all,

I have been with my partner 6 years and have recently got engaged - that went well and i wasn't nervous. Recently we have started to look at venues and are in the process of putting down a deposit. For some reason i am now panic-ing about it, and every time she talks about the wedding i just feel fear and keep putting the arrangements off! I have been having sleepless nights about it and now dont know what to do, i am geniuinly torn between calling it off or going through with it and putting it down to nerves

I love her, we get on so well. I think i want to spend the rest of my life with her - how do you honestly know? I have always been a commitment phobe so i am not sure if that is not helping. I keep working out the pros and cons in my head. I guess what i am scared about is not being with another woman ever again - i havent cheated on her but i do look at other women and think i would love to...you know what! but i have never followed it through. For some reason i am focusing on the cons ie she won't let me get a motorcycle etc etc 

I just dont know what to do! How do you know that she is the one???

We are both in our 30s by the way

Thanks


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well you can never be sure and there is usually always someone better! I dont advise you to put down deposits or any other large expense before youre married for some time. Why wont she let you have a motor cycle and you write etc. that means other things as well. Is she the one in control. If she is then I can assure you after the marriage it will get 'worse'. That is more important for you to sort out now.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

Accept is right. Looking at other women after marriage is not bad but what is bad is having an intimate affair with them. But from the way you are sounding, you might not be able to overcome sexual advances from other women. Be convinced within yourself that you really want this particular woman before you say "l do".


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

engagedhelp said:


> For some reason i am focusing on the cons ie she won't let me get a motorcycle etc etc


Why won't she *"let"* you get a motorcycle? :scratchhead:

Realize that she's not your Mother; she's your fiance. She should want you to be happy, and if getting a motorcycle will make you happy.......get one!

But, if you're already have financial issues, I wouldn't recommend you get a motorcycle.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

settle your issues before you get married, or be completely willing to work on them to the benefit of your marriage. i could barely stand my wife when i met and married her. she had one quality that i loved and had been looking for for a while, but there were a LOT of issues. met and married in less than a month. several years later, she makes me the happiest man on the planet. if you get married, you WILL have to work on issues in order to stay married. just dont marry anyone with flaws you cannot tolerate.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

If you are having doubts about getting married try and think of the reasons why. Also try and focus on the positives such as why you love her and what are the resons you wanted to get married in the first place.

If you still feel worried and anxious try and talk to your fiance about it. And maybe have a longer engagement period to just digest the idea of marriage and then when you are comfortable you can continue with the wedding arrangements.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Why won't she *"let"* you get a motorcycle? :scratchhead:
> 
> Realize that she's not your Mother; she's your fiance. She should want you to be happy, and if getting a motorcycle will make you happy.......get one!
> 
> But, if you're already have financial issues, I wouldn't recommend you get a motorcycle.


Any major purchase should be a joint decision. Not a if you want one get one.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

engagedhelp said:


> I love her, we get on so well. I think i want to spend the rest of my life with her - how do you honestly know?


Have you ever heard the phrase: "When you know, you just know!" - well, it's true. When you're deeply in love with someone, you feel compelled to make a commitment to them and feel intense need for them to make a commitment to you too. I would guess that most people who are "head over heels in love" would answer your question with "I just KNEW." (When I was engaged, I too "just knew." It's a sense of certainty, where thinking about it makes you feel calm rather than nervous.)

That said, nothing can apply to everyone equally, and it's certainly possible that you are in love with her, but you are just a nervous person.

However, I notice a few things in your post:

- you mention interest in other women. If you were crazy head over heels in love with her, you wouldn't be worrying about other women. You'd be very excited about the fact that you GET TO be with your fiance for the rest of your life.

- you don't say you're IN LOVE with her. You love her, you get along great - things I can say about my closest friends. Being in love with your wife is essential!!

Think about whether you are truly IN LOVE or just comfortable with her and love her. And remember that she DESERVES to be married to someone who is IN LOVE with her.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Shyner99 said:


> Any major purchase should be a joint decision. Not a if you want one get one.


True, and I was speaking on their financial situation. But if she won't *let* him due to own insecurities, then that's another story.

I see no harm in it, if they both want to ride together.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it could be that she is scared of the higher risk of injury/death among motorcyclists

(I have 2 neighbors that died in a 3 year period and both accidents weren't their fault)


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> it could be that she is scared of the higher risk of injury/death among motorcyclists
> 
> (I have 2 neighbors that died in a 3 year period and both accidents weren't their fault)


Very true! My sister has a Harley, LOVES that thing, and it is fun to go riding with her. But, yes, motorcycle deaths are up for sure.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well at least Harley enthusiasts will ride in groups which is much safer


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## engagedhelp (Dec 6, 2011)

Thanks for the all comments!

Motorbike thing - its the cost, the danger and she wants kids soon = money! I guess this is very selfish, and i apologise for coming across that way but if i was single i could afford a bike.

Re - "when you know you know" - Just find that really hard to relate to, i am naturally cautious with everything. I have to think things through so much.

I think i am in love, i look forward to her coming home, spending quality time together and going out for meals etc etc. I love it when we go on holiday together. I guess though the passion is not as strong as it was in the 1st year, but we have been with each other for 6 years so surely thats to be expected. We still have a lot of *fun* together though

I have talked to her about my issues and she is very understanding - saying that marriage wont change anything. She has a point but then she also wants kids - and the body clock is ticking so that will be a big change! I do however want kids but possibly not quite yet, but i don't think a man is never ready - so my male friends with kids say.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont think bikes cost that much. A man has to have certain things and a bike is sometimes one of them. You will never forgive her for this. Dont go ahead.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

How old are the both of you?


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## engagedhelp (Dec 6, 2011)

To be honest with you - the bike is not the main issue. Its more about me - being confused. When we talk about the wedding i have kind of a mini panic attack in my head. Yet when i proposed i was excited. Some days i think to myself i am so happy and lucky, other days i am not so sure and wonder if the grass is greener.

I am 33 she is 37

Thanks


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

At 33 you should have worked out by now if the grass is greener. It certainly looks it, but ask yourself is she the best girl you have ever had. One cant always get the greenest grass.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

engagedhelp said:


> To be honest with you - the bike is not the main issue. Its more about me - being confused. When we talk about the wedding i have kind of a mini panic attack in my head. Yet when i proposed i was excited. Some days i think to myself i am so happy and lucky, other days i am not so sure and wonder if the grass is greener.
> 
> I am 33 she is 37
> 
> Thanks


I know the bike is not the issue. :rofl:

Have either of you been married before? It's completely normal to have the feelings that you're having if you've never been married. I will tell you this: if you two have been together long enough to know that you love each other, have fun together, enjoy each other's company, communicate, have great sex together, and want the same things in life (i.e. kids, etc.), then you should be ok for the long haul. 

Keep in mind that she is 37 and her clock is ticking quickly, as far as having a baby. Granted there are alot of women much older than her that have healthy pregnancies, but it is more of a precaution after 35 (at least that is what the drs. say) - I was 35 when I had my daughter). 

No one is ever financially ready to have a baby, but I will tell you that when it comes time to be parent, it just all comes together, and everything will be fine. :smthumbup:

I wish you the best!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

inspect your condoms for pinholes


(kidding)


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## engagedhelp (Dec 6, 2011)

No she wouldnt tamper with the condoms! She is entirely trustworthy.

Neither of us have been married before - i have had 2 long term relationships 3+ years each where i have backed out from the commitment. Looking back it was right, i just don't know what is right, right now!

Yes at 33 i should know what i want - but marriage to me is a huge commitment and i want to get it right.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

engagedhelp said:


> No she wouldnt tamper with the condoms! She is entirely trustworthy.
> 
> Neither of us have been married before - i have had 2 long term relationships 3+ years each where i have backed out from the commitment. Looking back it was right, i just don't know what is right, right now!
> 
> Yes at 33 i should know what i want - but marriage to me is a huge commitment and i want to get it right.


How do you feel when you are without her? Do you travel or go out without her?


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## engagedhelp (Dec 6, 2011)

I do a go out a lot on my own. Dont miss her much on a night out - glad of some space to be honest. But on holiday without her i miss her after a few days


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

engagedhelp said:


> I do a go out a lot on my own. Dont miss her much on a night out - glad of some space to be honest. But on holiday without her i miss her after a few days


Your reaction to this is normal. 

I've enjoyed when my husband takes short trips or I take one by myself. Just a few days just for me. But after that I miss him.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

honestly, what is the worst that can happen if you get married and the marriage fails? it ends in divorce and you end up where you have always been. the best thing? both of you stay commited to making your marriage work and you gain something you have never had before.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

accept said:


> I dont think bikes cost that much. A man has to have certain things and a bike is sometimes one of them. You will never forgive her for this. Dont go ahead.


He is talking about not being sure about whether he loves her or not and whether he is ready, and you're spouting off that a man NEEDS certain things and a bike is sometimes one of them? 

That is the most backwards way of trying to help someone I have ever seen. 

To OP - You were excited to get engaged - I think that would be a very good sign! You miss her after a few days - Another good sign.

I think about getting married to my fiance and I have a mini panic attack too - But mine is more to do with standing up in front of people. Could that be a worry for you? Anxiety of the actual marriage? Would you be more comfortable with a smalled, more intimate wedding? 

You sound like you really love this girl, you're just really scared about the commitment. Nothing wrong with that, just need to figure out for you if this is what you're prepared to do, to have and to hold, forever more


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

engagedhelp said:


> Thanks for the all comments!
> 
> Motorbike thing - its the cost, the danger and she wants kids soon = money! I guess this is very selfish, and i apologise for coming across that way but if i was single i could afford a bike.
> 
> ...



*Marriage changes everything because expectations change accordingly.* Anyone who says otherwise is in denial or is uninformed. It sounds like she's talking you into marriage. Ask yourself a couple of questions and be honest with yourself.

1. Why do I want to get married? (To have children?)

2. Do I want to make my wife and children my emotional and fiscal priority for the next 20 years?

3. Will I love and honor my wife once our children become her daily priority? (She will not be focused on your needs for a while which is good for the kids, but it can be a problem for you.)

4. Do I want to to ask my wife for permission to do things for the rest of my life? Discussions are necessary but asking for permission is not how the leader of a family behaves.

5. Can I afford to have my wife stay at home, raise our kids and be able to buy a motorcycle at some point?  Women can lose respect for a man who makes less then them or cannot provide the lifestyle she believe she deserves. The will also lose respect for a man who feels he has to ask her for permission. They may complain about things you do that they don't like but they will ultimately lose respect if you defer to them all the time. 

I know motorcycles are dangerous because I have five. Its something I love to do. I don't ask for permission for anything including buying a bike, but I do live up to my responsibilities and discuss things first with my wife.

Were you raised by a single Mom? You have a feminine way of describing your relationship and you stated that you have "issues" because you aren't sure you want to be a married Dad right now. These are not issues. These are your preferences. Females typically describe their man as having issues if he won't commit. It's not your duty to marry her. Its your choice. 

Peace


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> [
> 
> 4. Do I want to to ask my wife for permission to do things for the rest of my life? Discussions are necessary but asking for permission is not how the leader of a family behaves.
> 
> ...


Asking permission in a relationship…. 

Neither the wife nor the husband should have to ask for permission. A couple should arrive at an agreement on things how to spend/save money. Big purchases should also be mutually agreed upon. If one wants something expensive and the other does not agree, making a unilateral decision to spend a large amount community assets can cause a huge problem in the relationship.

The OP’s deal about the motor cycle reminds me of a young lady who lived in my home for a while. She was engaged. She wanted to save to rent an apartment, buy a car, etc. Her fiancé wanted a motorcycle. He lived with his parents. These two where in their early 20’s.

He talked her into opening a joint account with him before they married. They both had their pay checks auto deposited into the joint account. She came to me frantic one evening because their accounts were down about $2500. I checked out the account with her online. As soon as her paycheck hit the account, he ran out and spent all that money to get his motor cycle not only repaired but pimped out. This almost broke them up. I spent time with both of them talking about responsibilities and that the bills, an apartment, a car to get to work, come long before a motorcycle for street racing. He had a car by the way.

A person could interpret what you said above to mean that he had 100% right to do that. After all a man should never ask permission.
We do not know the OP’s situation. His girlfriend is not here to explain her point of view. She might have some valid points about what is important to spend money on first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

engagedhelp 

Some people believe that a person should not have a motorcycle while they have children. After all, the child depends on their parent. Motor cycles are dangerous and the child could end up with a seriously disabled or dead parent.

Motor cycles can also be expensive, like if you want a Harley. So their impact on family finances should be considered as well.

These are valid considerations.

If you get a motor cycle, what would it prevent the two of you from doing? What else would the money be spent? A house down payment? A better apartment? Or are we talking about food, medical/dental care and things that are essential?

IF you do buy a motor cycle, why not take out a nice big insurance policy so that at least if something happens to you, your wife is not left having to scrape by to raise your child(ren), put them through college or vocational training, etc?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> engagedhelp
> 
> Some people believe that a person should not have a motorcycle while they have children. After all, the child depends on their parent. Motor cycles are dangerous and the child could end up with a seriously disabled or dead parent.
> 
> ...


To a certain extent we actually agree. Once kids are involved an insurance policy is smart regardless of the motorcycle. I have one. I don't ride with my wife since both parents on one bike is not a good idea. In my case I was riding at age 5 and its something that defines me. One can become disabled from a bacteria, virus, car accident or cancer. I choose to live my life while I can and would rather go out under my terms. 

I was trying to convey that this gentlemen has a choice and should not be coerced by his fiance or society that he has to marry her after so many years of dating. In truth I think marriage is only appropriate when children are involved. Why does the government or church have to be involved with my relationships? Seems pretty intrusive to me.


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