# Revenge is Sweet; the Aftertaste Bitter



## bravenewworld

I'd finally made peace with the cheating, lying, and abandonment. Overall felt pretty decent although I was/am having a dash of "my first holiday alone" blues. 

Then I run into an old neighbor. Extra weird because I moved states. We exchanged generic pleasantries, and then she tells me that my XH is not doing well. Depressed and has a lot of evident emotional problems. She saw his new girlfriend screaming at him at the grocery store while he cowered and looked embarrassed. I'm stunned - no idea what to say. I change the subject and we part ways shortly after.

Of course my first reaction was a burst of inner "mwa haha" laughter and evil finger wiggle. It lasted for about 30 seconds then what followed surprised me - an enormous inner wave of sadness. I've felt like crying for the first time in months. 

I've been so angry at my XH. But I don't want him to be in a bad mental state or abusive relationship. I wish I could feel coldly to him, the way he does to me. However, my heart is heavy and despite what he has put me through, I am greatly saddened to see what his life has become. I still empathize with him greatly. I wish I didn't. 

There is no joy in someone's pain if you once loved them. I didn't think I would care. But I do. Again, I wish I didn't.


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## Holland

You are a good person with a kind and caring heart. Good on you for not splashing around in feelings of revenge. Just make sure you don't let too many feelings of sadness for him creep in, some empathy is good as long as you don't sacrifice your own happiness.


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## Jellybeans

bravenewworld said:


> There is no joy in someone's pain if you once loved them.


:iagree:

This is how I feel about my ex husband. I never wish him ill. I want him to be happy. He was a huge part of my life and I really loved him so much.


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## bravenewworld

Been off the grid for a bit - this entire situation really triggered my co-dependent issues. I just want to "save" him. I won't but I hate even having the impulse. 

Today I sent some funny notecards to a few friends and caught up with my fav trashy show (Vanderpump Rules) On one hand I feel guilty for not doing much, on the other I think it can be positive to pamper yourself when you get in a funk.


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## Stretch

I longed for the day my WAS would come back and say she wanted to get back together just so I could gloat and tell her no thanks.

When it happened, all I wanted was for her not to have to feel the pain I did when she left.

Liberating,
Stretch


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## ne9907

I must be very codependent still. I feel very sad when something good happens in my life because ex is not with me to share in it. I have never wished him ill. I want him to be happy. I do miss him a lot and beat myself up for not doing more to save our marriage. I pretend I am strong and fool myself into thinking I could have lived with all his indiscretions as long as I heard him say "I love you".

We are such fold when it comes to love. But it does keep us from wishing ill on those we loved more than anything. Even if he always had doubts about his love for me. Ugh.....not making sense. ...


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## Boottothehead

Even though they are horrible, dreadful, scum-sucking vermin now, at one time we loved them enough to want to grow old with them. I sometimes see or hear something that I know my ex would like, and there is a pang because he is no longer even a friend that I can share these stories with.
My husband feels the same way about his exwife. They have a child together, and she is so bitter and angry at him that they can't have a conversation about the funny things that the child has done when she's with us, or to discuss vacation plans. We've never discussed Christmas presents-we've been lucky that she hasn't gotten duplicate gifts from both families yet 
2ntnuf has a great thread on forgiveness that ties in nicely with this line of thought.


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## bravenewworld

2galsmom said:


> You will get over the co-dependency triggers. Yes. Yes you will. And when that day comes, pamper yourself again.


I love this. :smthumbup:


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## Garry2012

I want my XW to snap out of her fog and just realize what we had, what SHE threw away, and how badly she and her mother treated me. Then I can be civil to her. Civil is as far as I can go.


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## ne9907

Garry2012 said:


> I want my XW to snap out of her fog and just realize what we had, what SHE threw away, and how badly she and her mother treated me. Then I can be civil to her. Civil is as far as I can go.


I really hope this happens. 
from my own experience they rewrite history to feel better about themselves and to not look as the bad person.
But you know this Gary!~ You have helped me a lot
Thank you and Smile because your advice is great


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## Garry2012

ne9907 said:


> I really hope this happens.
> from my own experience they rewrite history to feel better about themselves and to not look as the bad person.
> But you know this Gary!~ You have helped me a lot
> Thank you and Smile because your advice is great


Yeah they do..mine is still going....she is getting deeper and deeper with her stories. Thank you, a good bunch of the advice I gave was advice given to me too as I progressed through this mess. Then looking back, most of it was good. Couple things I would change, but overall....good stuff. Smile? oh yeah...I tell people that this whole thing has given me comic material for a lifetime. Heck..I openly give marriage advice now.....then follow with..."but then again...i wouldnt listen to me". haha.


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## brokenbythis

As much as I hate what he's done, and dislike the person he is now, it hurts to see him in the state he's in. Actually hurt is not the right word - DISTURBS ME is the correct way to describe how I feel. It does not sit well with me, its like watching a tragic train wreck. It really is.

He can't pay his bills. He does not have enough money to cover everything, He's just been sued for paternity by the OW. His IA dept at work has been notified and he will have to go in and explain himself and his bad judgment to his superiors. Explain why he got a 30 yo friend of his daughter's pregnant when he was still married to me.

He now has 3 children to 3 different women, and I was the only one he was ever married to. Heck I was the only one who he was seeing for more than 3 months. 

He will have to get a second job. He will be working himself into an early grave to pay for all his really bad decisions.

Maybe he should have finalized this marriage (to me) before he started sticking his d#(* into ghetto skanks without a condom.

He's lost most of his/our friends, and the respect of all of others who know him. Nobody likes a cheater or a person who abandons their family.

This is a man with an outstanding postgrad education and extremely successful career, and if you had told me 14 yrs ago his life would end up like this I would have said you were crazy.

Just goes to show what mental illness and a series of really bad, selfish decisions can do to your life.

He has dug his own grave and I feel somewhat bad for him because I did care for him and love him deeply for a long time. But when the disturbing feelings set in I remind myself this has nothing to do with me, he has to deal with what he's made of his life, himself.


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## Hardtohandle

Garry2012 said:


> I want my XW to snap out of her fog and just realize what we had, what SHE threw away, and how badly she and her mother treated me. Then I can be civil to her. Civil is as far as I can go.


I used to feel this way about my EX.. But today I just want her to go away from me and the kids.. She isn't doing anything good for the kids. She talks to and visits one child but not the other.. It just can't be good for him.. I resented my brothers a bit for being able to see my dad and I didn't after he left.. 

These people need to all get on the same bus and get tossed off a cliff.


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## Garry2012

Hardtohandle said:


> I used to feel this way about my EX.. But today I just want her to go away from me and the kids.. She isn't doing anything good for the kids. She talks to and visits one child but not the other.. It just can't be good for him.. I resented my brothers a bit for being able to see my dad and I didn't after he left..
> 
> These people need to all get on the same bus and get tossed off a cliff.


Yep.....just go away...thats all i want to. Leave me the kids and go.


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## bravenewworld

So this AM I get a call from a person who is much more ex's friend than mine. Still, a very nice guy. We catch up on the typical holiday bs and he then tells me he's a bit concerned about ex's mental state. 

Turns out ex has decided to take his new girlfriend to the city I now live in - a city where we spent every winter holiday. Also, a city ex professed to "hate" the last year or two we were together. 

This entire situation creeps me out. Why the hell did he fly out of state to where I now live?? Why is he using his new gf to act out our old marriage rituals?? The entire situation is bizarre. I feel borderline violated. 

I realize it's a free country and he can visit any city/state he chooses. I'm not necessarily afraid for my safety but the entire situation has given me an awful headache. 

On the plus side, his actions always make me feel like I did the right thing by filing for divorce. He is not well and I can't help him.


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## bravenewworld

Sorry to hear you are going through the same 2gals. I'm not worried for my physical safety, his favorite thing to do is twist the knife emotionally. The thing he doesn't understand is it hurts less and less over time. This time I definitely triggered but still managed to have an overall good day. 

I think my friend got nervous because my ex is obsessive. Like I said, not a physical threat really but sociopathic. One time I told him I was feeling depressed and he handed me a pack of razor blades. I was dumbfounded- he could be quite mean-spirited.


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## browneyes74

I get what you mean.. My soon to be ex.. As much as I hate what he's doing to our kids, I am also.. disturbed.. by his behavior.. 

We were just in mediation, and even *I* was surprised about how hard the mediator kept hammering him about OW.. She was not one of the other women I found out about, but all of a sudden, during our talks of divorce, he just starts staying out and has to file NOW, and moves in with this woman the day after we filed. He says he met her, started staying with her and moved in "officially" 10 days later when we filed (but he wasn't cheating on me until that point, right?)

It was odd.. He's in a fog, or delusional.. But, I get it.. I almost felt bad for him.. Which I probably would have, if he wasn't fighting to have her meet our 5 and 7 year old 4 months after he moved out.. (2 months when we started the process). He already introduced his kids from his first marriage at that 2 month time. I thought the mediator's jaw was going to hit the floor.. 

He just looked, so.. crazy. I kept thinking, who is this person? And he was discussing them getting married possibly, and she was "You guys have GOT to slow down. You don't even know each other." And more.. 

I get it.. It's weird.. And sad.. Sorry, don't mean to hijack..


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## Conrad

2galsmom said:


> You didn't hijack in my opinion but this isn't my thread. For me, a fog set in in 2005. I honestly did everything I could to have it lift. It just got worse and worse and the fog overcame us. I got out finally and it took a terrible toll on our finances and I have to rebuild from square one, or worse I guess from being in from the red now instead of the black. My ex now literally looks like a different person, I am not the only one to say this. It is like we are truly in a soap opera and another actor has secretly assumed the role. It has freaked out my family but that is the price you pay for either being unable to or refusing to accept reality and responsibility.
> 
> What shocks me is how men quickly medicate with a new woman, I thought females would be the ones doing this but the men leave us in the dust with the speed and determination they initiate new relationships, again rather than address reality they use avoidance and distraction, that gives no escape from the fog and lets in no light.


2gals,

Generalize much?


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## stillhoping

Well, that is a little harsh, don't you think Conrad? In my experience, sarcasm only serves to fire up a situation, not resolve it. Gentle guidance, supportive statements and empathy work much better. When you live an experience, it does color how you see the world. It may or may not be reality


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## Conrad

2galsmom said:


> I stand by my statements. I have been studying this for months and have read other studies that were conducted in a scientific manner. It is what it is.


How about sharing some of that data?


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## stillhoping

I like that, curious, not furious. I'd like to see it too


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## FrustratedFL

Brokenbythis - Reading your post was like reading my own life story. WOW Other then the OW getting pregnant every other thing you wrote is my life. Still married and waiting for divorce. STBXH has no money, refuses to close his dwindling business, has new gf (sugar mama); not affair partner; giving him trips and money to survive. Family and friends lost all respect for him and after EVERYTHING he has done to me, my heart still pangs when I hear of his down and out luck. 

Breaks my heart but I cannot rescue him or help him any longer. His life choices have forced a whole new life for myself and our daughter without our say. I can only wish him but it is so hard some days.


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## bravenewworld

Thanks for sharing Frustrated, BBT, & browneyes. Some days (hell, a lot of days) are so hard when dealing with an unreasonable ex. It does make me question my judgement - how could I have been so far off in assessing who my ex was as a person and our compatibility? Still shakes up me up sometimes when I think about it. 

Conrad - I don't have studies/data but am going to agree with 2gals. In my personal experience men get into serious relationships a lot more quickly post-d. My ex was seriously involved about 3 weeks after we split, and two of my friends ex-husbands were also in LTR's within one month of splitting. Meanwhile, all of us ladies are still single. Not complaining, just noting. 

This could be completely wrong (and perhaps sexist) but I think women tend to nurture men more often in hetero relationships - hence why men seek out LTR's soon after splitting.


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## angelpixie

I was researching for another question in another TAM thread a while ago, and an interesting article I found in a scholarly journal found that it is not uncommon at all for men to seek new relationships very quickly after the end of a relationship, and it is not uncommon at all for women to abstain from relationships for many months after a relationships ends. They considered the difference enough to make note of it. I'm not sure I can find the article again, but if you want, I'll try.


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## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> I was researching for another question in another TAM thread a while ago, and an interesting article I found in a scholarly journal found that it is not uncommon at all for men to seek new relationships very quickly after the end of a relationship, and it is not uncommon at all for women to abstain from relationships for many months after a relationships ends. They considered the difference enough to make note of it. I'm not sure I can find the article again, but if you want, I'll try.


Yeah that is the freakin truth, I think. 

It's also said that men tend to remarry sooner or more than women do after a divorce.


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## Justadude

angelpixie said:


> I was researching for another question in another TAM thread a while ago, and an interesting article I found in a scholarly journal found that it is not uncommon at all for men to seek new relationships very quickly after the end of a relationship, and it is not uncommon at all for women to abstain from relationships for many months after a relationships ends. They considered the difference enough to make note of it. I'm not sure I can find the article again, but if you want, I'll try.


Most Narcissists are men and most cheaters are Narcissists. A person like this has no real feelings for you and the sooner the victim realizes this the better. Narcissist women act the same way, my XW has no problems running around with men, she cheated with one guy and now is on to another. The Narcissist lives for attention, as far as I can tell that is my XW’s number one value in life. They will destroy themselves in the long term seeking attention. As empathic people, we don’t like to see anyone spiral down…but make no mistake about it, they would not give a rat’s a** if it were the other way around. Feeling empathy means you are healthy, but there is a real danger of getting sucked back and that is the worst fate for us. We all must move on. I for one would rather be alone that with a person like my XW, but I don’t want to be alone, and so I’m working on myself as I heal. I will have a healthy relationship….when I’m ready. 

On a side bar…my XW texted me today that our Chiropractor got divorced. I met his wife a couple of times a few years back, and she was very flirtatious, so much so that unnerved me. So I texted my XS back that his wife was very flirtatious, and she replied that that happens when the spouse doesn’t pay enough attention to the other. So in her mind the cheated on spouse caused the affair, this is very typical of someone with NPD. They never take blame/responsibility…feel empathy in the moment…and be glad you aren’t with them anymore.


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