# Husband Cheated, Friends Abandoning Us, is this normal?



## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Ill try not to keep this too long. I found out my husband had an affair with a woman who ran the gym in his office this winter for about 3 months. He broke it off in January before I found out or it got to serious. He confided in his closest friend about this, looking for some guidance and good advice. We can call these friends of ours Marge and Phil. I happen to be really close friends with Marge as well. 

While the affair was happening Phil was quietly giving my husband advice and also confessed that he had an encounter in an alley behind a bar with a girl he had just picked up that night. He told my husband to avoid all contact with the other woman or he was just going to be tempted to do it again. So my husband ended the affair, and the OW quit her job.

Meanwhile I had confided in my friend that my husband seemed to be going through something, he was so distant and critical of me and everything I did and just seemed so unhappy and i didn't know what to do. She ended up telling me in March that she overheard phil talking about "the gym girl" with my husband and this caused a fight between phil and marge because she wanted phil to fess up to what was going on and phil wanted to protect his friend. Marge eventually told me at lunch one day and vowed to be supportive of any decision I made and if I needed anything to please reach out to her. That was about two months ago. 

My husband and I have decided to work things out, we are going to therapy, a lot has really been improving, the OW is totally out of our lives (dont worry, I have been watching VERY closely to make sure) I just had lunch with marge again and she told me that phil does not want anything to do with my husband anymore and neither does she. She said that they dont want to be associated with someone that "is capable of something like this" and that they "have a different moral compass" than we do. She said that I am welcome at any events that they have but I am not allowed to bring my husband. The problem is that we have a ton of mutual friends and no one knows about this. She swears she wants to maintain her support for me, but i feel like I am being punished for wanting to stay and work on my marriage. Her excluding us from things is going to invite questions and more gossip which is exactly what I don't need right now. Should I confront her, or just let it go and move on? How do I keep this from ruining all of our other friendships?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Does she know her husband cheated on her too?? Is it known in your circle of friends what your husband did?

People often don't want anything to do with infidelity and they take various tactics to distance themselves from it. Especially those who are keeping secrets about it themselves.

Are you going to let her dictate who you can and cannot be friends with?

I don't advise that you start blabbing about Phils indiscretions all over the place, because you'll just come off as vindictive. I would, however, be thinking of various ways of letting Phil know that you know what he did and that you find it completely reprehensible that he is the very thing he and his wife claim to abhor. Then I'd be spending all the time I wanted with the mutual friends and ignoring Phil and Marge.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and your husband should tell the mutual friends what he did, with you by his side, otherwise Phil and Marge will just blab it, if they haven't already.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yep, it is normal. If "Phil" cheated he is rewriting history to cover his butt. Just think, in therapy, your husband may talk about the support he received from Phil. It may be suggested he tell "Marge" about the alley encounter. 

Guess what? 

Now, your husband is a liar and through reconciliation you are condoning adultery. He has effectively destroyed your credibility and protected his marriage. To be clear, I do not believe what I just typed, you are not condoning adultery. I do know people that would think this way.



> Phil was quietly giving my husband advice and also confessed that he had an encounter in an alley behind a bar with a girl he had just picked up that night.


He is a jerk, liar and an idiot cheater, but it was an extremely smart move, on his part, to make you both look bad. At some point, she will reach out and you should try and talk to her if you can. You may be friends, but marriage is supposed to be more important than friendships in certain ways.


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

I had considered telling everyone we knew, I was so hurt and upset when I first found out I had a huge impulse to shame him publicly. I ended up only telling my very closest inner circle, as they could tell that something was very clearly wrong. So far everyone else in our lives have been so supportive and have been helpful in encouraging our recovery from this.

Marge doesn't know about Phil's back alley tendencies and I worry that if I told her about it now, she would just assume I was lying to be vindictive. She was also a really close friend of mine, I dont want to see her hurt, and I don't want anyone to have to go through this. What is ironic is that Phil has made it very clear to my husband that he doesn't want to be around "people like him" as well, those are the words they have both used. We want to call them out and expose phil but at this point, why? What purpose would it serve? Revenge? We arent really vindictive people, there is no sense in total retaliation, it certainly wouldnt help us be on normal speaking terms with them. 

The bottom line is, we care a lot about our friends, we have very close, very solid friendships with people who have been so supportive of us and I want to do everything I can to keep this feud from affecting our other friends, I don't want anyone to be in the middle. Its just a really sad situation, you think people will be there to support you, but all they do sometimes is pass judgement and make everything harder. It makes me really sad.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Quite some drama on 101 Elm Street. 

First, Marge already knows that Phil has cheated on her... think about it. They have their own issues. Marge doesn't want the shame to of infidelity to "pass her way". She knows that if "all" are associating together... it will be exposed and (Marge) doesn't want to be labeled.

The reality of it... a "skeleton" in every closet.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

shannybear123 said:


> Marge doesn't know about Phil's back alley tendencies and I worry that if I told her about it now, she would just assume I was lying to be vindictive. She was also a really close friend of mine, I dont want to see her hurt, and I don't want anyone to have to go through this. What is ironic is that Phil has made it very clear to my husband that he doesn't want to be around "people like him" as well, those are the words they have both used. We want to call them out and expose phil but at this point, why? What purpose would it serve? Revenge? We arent really vindictive people, there is no sense in total retaliation, it certainly wouldnt help us be on normal speaking terms with them.


OP, it was Marge that informed you of your husband's infidelity, and I would contend that she is deserving of the same courtesy from you. Tell her, and let Phil stew in his own sauce for a bit.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

So “Phil” for all the talk of different moral compass is really distancing himself from the two of you to keep his secret that he shared with your husband a secret. Does “Phil” know that you know? I suspect once he does he will encourage his wife to stop seeing you also. This is the problem with “deep dark secrets” eventually the best laid plan gets a flaw in it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Phil has gaslighted Marge. He is scared you or your husband might accidentally let slip the details of his ONS in an alley. My goodness! Phil's quite the romantic, isn't he?

Oh. Unless Phil is still going after a little bit of late night alley action?:scratchhead:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I think if they were your "true friends", they would respect your desicion to reconcile and take part in seeing you through recovery. 

These are not great friends. They are protecting their status. 

Wait until their world blows up. They will be wanting your support and understanding. 

If they don't want to be friends, who cares if you tell on Phil? 

Personally, I would take the high road and when the dust cleared, tell them Phil is a bad influence on your husband and it IS best if you stay away. 

Don't forget to remind your husband what HE did to cause the rift. 

Sounds like a "two faced" bunch to me. 

So sorry you are in pain. Stay with the therapy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, this is completely normal.

Phil is afraid that you and/or your husband will tell his wife his secrets. So he in is working his wife, playing her, to drive a wedge.

If it were me, I'd call Phil and tell him that you have no intention of telling his wife. But if they continue to try to destroy your friendships that you might need to in self defense. I'd tell him to lighten up on his holier than thou stuff and to get his wife to lighten up.

What has happened is that you have found out that these people are not and never were your real friends. It's good to know this.

When Marge finds out about her husband's cheating, you might be the first person she calls. After all who else would understand her as well as you???? expect it. Have your reply ready.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Happy to hear you are growing together and rebuilding. Sounds like a double toxic friend situation with an attempt to rewrite some history and wedge driving as EleGirl says. Possibly, once Marge finds out some truths, you and her may get close again. Not sure of the Husbands.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

dfyhjdgk said:


> Does she know her husband cheated on her too??


It's clearly time for some much-needed changes to the TAM account registration process.


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