# Boundaries - Sexy Man Setting Limits -



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

turnera

Here is the thread


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> turnera
> 
> Here is the thread


So...you actually have to write something in here, hb. Write your story or just copy it from the other thread so other people will come here and read it and give you advice.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Boundaries are a good thread topic. A lot of problems can be avoided by having good boundaries in effect to prevent situations that can be harmful to the marriage.

I presume this is a spinoff from another thread but the title is really ambiguous. So I will start by my understanding of them. Boundaries should be agreed upon by each spous about what is allowed and disallowed behavior or situations. Some couples have really strict boundaries and others have more progressive boundaries. The trick is to have each spouse agree to the boundaries to avoid disputes and ill feelings. Many spouses really don't consider them before hand and notice when one spouse starts doing or not doing something that bothers the other spouse. 

Boundaries are not something that is imposed on another but rather agreed to self limitations. We only can control what we do, we don't necessarily control our spouses actions. Trying to control a spouses actions through boundaries is a prescription for failure. The best we can do is set consequences for certain actions. It is then up to us if we can live with boundary crossing or not. If there are no consequences then there isn't really a boundary.

Anyway tell us what you want to discuss.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Here you go Turnera...

I'm in a situation with wife where I feel as if I'm always walking on egg shells ...i can do 10 errands ..tale care of our daughter and try and make her life easier and she always seems to point out what I do wrong ....

i go grocery shopping and it's ..why did you get 5 bananas vs..3..that's too many ...

or perhaps I'm helping with daughter and she interrupts and gets adjiyated at where I am standing in the kitchen....

or perhaps I'm doing something to help..and she comes in and points out something ...

it's very difficult and she speaks in extremes all of the time ...this could he hormones or peri..menopause ..but she's on edge ...

my daughter is not asking me because my wife been stressed out lately ...why is Mommy..always yelling at me for no reason ...why is she always making everyone upset ....

i have tried discussing with her and she doesn't take it easily ..when she has been upset in front of daughter i have asked her to calm down and she takes it as me not backing her up for what she's trying to discipline ...yet she yells..

sometime i will say our daughter is tired as its 8 pm at night or first thing in the am...she might start yelling at her to get ready before school ...in actuality my wife could be the one running late. .

it's put me on edge ...especially when my wife is hungry or stressed ...

i have been sick for last 3 days and she's been stressed about our business and today she said what are you taking the month of ...am in using me not feeling well as an excuse ..

what's crazy is i never ever treat her like that ever ..at all..when my wife sleeps and takes a 2 to 3 hour nap....or when she goes to bed at 930..and sleeps to 10...i am always understanding ...

there is a bunch of tension as well because we aren't having sex...

I am going to get the divorce busters book..but I did try the 180..however i think your right you have to think what you do now and do opposite ..

we have tried having discussion about her health and our intimacy as well as suggesting counseling and rather than deal with anything she always goes into a mode where she would rather drive and extreme remark...like i feel pressure we perhaps should separate ...or that she doesn't want to see someone such as counselor ...

i think she knows how to drive the do it my way or else. ..i don't want. To.....with daughter she's always saying if you don't act a certain way I don't want to be around ....very extreme form...of communication....

it a very weird because she may get mean say something crazy and 10 hours later she is back to..normal....

it seems like i can't budge her to work towards a solution ......

what do u suggest

so I am sick...I take my daughter to swimming this morning after I go get groceries at 8 am while my wife is in bed...come back cook daughter breakfast ...then my wife still in bed...I take her to swimming and come back at 1030..in which my wife has a hair coloring appointment. .

she leaves around 11 am..and I eat breakfast and she suggested we go to movie later and she cancelled babysitter ..because everyone is sick...

she leaves and while she is gone I take a shower ...and look at movies..she comes back at 10th. I. Which we are waiting ...
.and no her response is you didn't feed our daughter ?....did you go the vitamin stores ..? With herbs ....

so all you did was look for movies ...why don't u just stay here and rest she says in which I don't have lunch...

she then gets huffy and asks why I couldn't go to herb..store this week..

this is what I did this week..
dropped daughter off at school every day.
make her breakfast every day ..
put her to sleep every day .
went food shopping twice .
filled up car twice 
filled fluids in car ..
picked up vitamins ..
tool medicine to daughter and 
picked up dinner a few times ...

My wife seems to be doing much less and having more of an attitude ...in the pm..while I put daughter to sleep she spends hour in bathroom and then a few hours per night working on computer ...



every morning she is the last one up out of bed ...and it's a pain for her to get going ..some sat and sun days she even will takes naps for 2 to 3 hours ....




It's crazy ..when I try and set boundaries or make a point about her behavior ..it seems to backfire into cold treatment where she has an issue that I asked her to watch how she's behaving ....

it's a very sensitive situation ...
.
I know there is a way I can shift this through my own actions ...ms he says people know how to work me ..she says my daughter works me and so do others .....when she says that it makes me feel like she's working me too.....

how do I change ? Why is it so hard for me to change ? What's the challenge for me?

I seem to fall into pleasing with my daughter I think I'm reasonable and a great dad and she appreciate me dearly ...
.with my wife ....I feel like it doesn't really serve me...and I'm not getting my needs met ....

I am a great guy ...I read nmmng..and that helped but love to hear your take 

thank you


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> there is a bunch of tension as well because we aren't having sex...


This is a huge red flag in your situation. I expect

1) a mental illness
2) cheating

You are the stereotypic doormat type of husband, search on these forums to inform yourself. Learn to think logically and act accordingly instead of trying to please her to get to a better place.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

double post


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok. So the first thing you have to do is get THIS book - not Divorce Busters or anything else. Just this one.

No More Mr Nice Guy
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/product-reviews/0762415339

You are a stereotypical Nice Guy. You THINK you're doing what your woman wants - childcare, housework, kissing her ass - when in reality doing those things to the extreme that you're doing them is making her HATE you.

Women have to have a strong man. You are a weak man. Women may think they want a weak (Nice Guy) man, but once they're married to them, they begin to despise the man for being such a wuss. They stop wanting to have sex with them. They start treating them like a child, because the man isn't stepping up and being the MAN of the household, so the woman has to step up and rule.

And the longer this goes on, the more she despises him, the worse she treats him, the less she'll be willing to have sex with him, and the more likely she is to cheat on him.

So do two things for me this week. Get that book - download it or buy the hard copy - and get it read by Saturday. 

In the meantime, don't do anything else other than look for a small way you can set a boundary, and practice protecting that boundary.

A boundary is a 'rule' you won't let anyone break. A line you won't let anyone cross. Like "I will not be yelled at." When you have a boundary, you have to also have a resulting consequence that you put into place if someone breaks that boundary. Like "I will leave the room if someone yells at me."

You cannot control your wife. You can only control yourself. So to get what YOU want out of life, you have to do it by controlling YOUR side of the street. In your situation, the best way to do that is to claw your way back up to being the man of the home. You'll do that by stopping your Nice Guy tendencies, by enforcing your boundaries, and by taking active steps to do things the man of the house would do (like making decisions).

So, this week, read the book and pick one boundary to enforce, and focus on that one boundary all week. Make it something small - you're not strong enough yet to just confront her. If she yells at you, stop letting her. If she yells at your daughter, by all means, stop THAT first. If she makes fun of you, work on that one. 

Give us one thing - aside from the sex issue - that bothers you a lot, and we'll show you how to stop it.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Turnera,

I have that book and have read it a few times. Perhaps I need to really steady that book and read it again.
Its very weird and perhaps normal but now when I stop doing these things that I have been doing its almost 
as if my wife is now overwhelmed by me not doing them. I think in a sense I have made her weaker or helped
her avoid dealing with her issues. Now is she has to deal with less and she has some health issues the health 
issues wont get worked on perhaps because she can get by..

For example for some reason she is giving me more and more stuff to do for her and perhaps I have trained
her that way... I noticed now if there is spare time as in when she went to color her hair she came back and 
was upset that while she was gone I didnt do more things to make less work for her even though I was sick.

Or perhaps when she asked if I went to pick something up at a store when I done shopping and made so many 
trips all week long .. it was like she was not even thankful.

Perhaps I have been hanging on the sex part - because I miss it and I am energetic and working out like 
a monster and in yoga classes ...however when I go to confront her about our connection she responds with 
the fact that just because we are married I am not entitled to have sex with her ... I thought about saying 
this past week that she is the one that said I am not entitled and thought about responding to her in such 
a way as hey just because we are married I am not entitled to run all of your errands and do all of these
favors to make your life easier.. but I am sure I need to just stop doing them and keep myself busy in 
other ways perhaps.

I used to leave at 530 am go to the gym and leave the house by 7 am. I just started working from home 
in our business with wife going into work and now because she goes to the office which she did before now
I am taking our daughter to school vs. her - now all she does is get ready to go to work ad worry about 
herself ...its interesting . she has real issues getting up in the morning even when she has gone to bed early..

I also noticed shes into material things and places a higher value on her family from india and relatives
than many times our relationship as husband and wife ..I have discussed with her before and this has
become more important since both her parents died 3 years ago.. It seems since they passed she has
either become depressed and more emotional and she just complains about everything i do ...

anyways - you are right about me only being able to control my situation because I have been trying 
to help her change for 3 years and its something she really has to do ..

Oh and to the cheating comment before yours:
My wife is not cheating, she is only in love with sleeping and being left alone She seems to have no desire 
for sex, not many friends and I have checked her emails and texts because I initially thought that . I just 
thing she may be going through periomenopause, depression, hormone or adrenal stuff and she doesn't 
know how to get out of it - she is feeling tired all of the time...she seems very overwhelmed because a 
healthy person wouldnt snap in anger or react as amplified as she does about small little things with me 
and my daughter, its almost like she cant control her emotions at this point ..shes coming up on 48 
however none of what I am doing is working - even confronting conversations with her about issues
she goes off the deepend with reactions and says very crazy things to me that are polar opposite


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, she may not have done it at first, but she has ended up seeing you as a convenience. And that's YOUR fault. You have become that 'object' in her life that lets her live a life of luxury - she doesn't have to keep house, she doesn't have to raise the kid, she doesn't have to do anything else - she just sends you on all the errands. You're no longer her man, her lover, you're her servant.

So stop doing it!

If you've read the book several times, you're doing it wrong. Find an IC, take the book with you, and tell the IC that many people have recommended this book to you and you read it but you don't know how to incorporate it in your life. You need the IC's help with that. SHE will get you to change.

Right now, then, your main focus needs to be going to IC once a week. For a good long while. That's going to be your most important task.

Now, what about that boundary?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Do u have some examples


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

What's an IC...I guess that's a good suggestion on religious ..she's hindi. And we are more spiritual...then religious


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have you told her that she is destroying your marriage and you are considering a divorce?

If you read nmmng, it was a waist of time apparently because you are not implementing the advice contained in the book.

You can do something to improve your situation but you are not.

Doing everything and putting up with her criticism is a huge turn off.

Becoming less emotionally fragile around her, less affected by her mood and more of a power unto yourself, self directed and motivated, will make you happier and more attractive.

If my wife barked at me for buying 5 bananas instead of 3, I would tell her since she wasn't interested in my banana maybe she would like extra from the market.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IC = independent counselor. Meaning you find a licensed therapist to go see by yourself.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I thought the Kama Sutra and Tantra was from Indian Culture .
I will go and read NMMNG again today . Your right I am falling 
into my strength and winning formula in life is giving . This works
for me with customers, business and making money - so its become
natural to me - to give and empower.. Yet its not working for me 
with my marriage and now I am not even having sex.. I find 
myself very stuck and honestly its painful at this point .. that I 
have one thing in life I can not solve like everything else I can ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The woman you partner with doesn't - and shouldn't - react the same way your customer will. She wants a leader of her family, a protector, not a servant. HELP her by doing some things, but never become the one person who does it all just so you can put her up on a pedestal. Women have to respect their man, fear their man just a little, and work to keep him. You have made it way too easy for her to forget you're even there.

Did you find a therapist yet?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> I thought the Kama Sutra and Tantra was from Indian Culture


The Indian men I know rule their families with a strong hand. That makes them SEXY to their wives. 

Like I said, women WANT strong men. 

You are being anything BUT strong.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So i need to be a tough ass. That will help me ?
Last night I told my wife to talk to me with respect when she went off on me ..
I told her that I dont treat her like that so dont talk to me that way .. Or talk to me when she can speak to me the right way 
Its funny , she is such a fighter .. Its funny 
she seemed to be nicer to me today ..LOL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> So i need to be a tough ass. That will help me ?


You really have to ask that? 

If so, I will say you are not speaking the truth and HAVE NOT read NMMNG, not even once. 

Because the whole recurring theme throughout the book, every single page, is that you have to BE A MAN. Not a servant, not a lacky, not a doormat.

And, as is typical of people who have never read NMMNG, you automatically assume that NOT being a Nice Guy means being mean or rude or a tough ass. When the book makes is VERY clear that it is nothing of the sort.

A NON-Nice Guy will not keep giving - cleaning, errands, flowers, kissing ass - if the woman DOES NOT RECIPROCATE. He may start OUT that way, but as soon as he realizes the woman will not have sex with him, will not give HIM as much as he's giving HER (i.e. being selfish), he simply goes to her and says "I'm not your servant, I don't live to serve you; if you want me to care for you, you have to care for me back; and if you won't, I'll find someone who will."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> Last night I told my wife to talk to me with respect when she went off on me ..
> I told her that I dont treat her like that so dont talk to me that way .. Or talk to me when she can speak to me the right way
> Its funny , she is such a fighter .. Its funny
> she seemed to be nicer to me today ..LOL


Funny how that works, huh? You SHOW her that you expect respect, and she respects you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Problem is you have taught her to treat you this way. I doubt she treated you this way while your dating or you wouldn't have married her. She has lost respect for you and what's worse you have clearly lost respect for yourself. This isn't about being mean to get results this is just about holding yourself to a standard and expect her to do the same. Getting upset and fighting, especially with a "right fighter" is useless. Project onto yourself respect.

Just one example when she complains about you getting 5 bananas instead of three, I would just peel one and say fine you do the shopping from now on and walk away eating the banana. No yelling, no acting like a whipped dog. Just make a statement and walk away form it

You sure you read these books like no more mr nice guy?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I will reread..it again. It's been a while and I definitely have extra time since I feel as though I'm not married just co..existing..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read it IN FRONT OF your new therapist.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

What's the best kind of therapist for me


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

How do you deal if wife does what she wants at her time and she brow beats me about time ...

Here are scenarios ...

first when putting daughter to bed it will be 810 and she will come in get upset and says it's 830...

tonight we got home relatives were sending her texts and left vm...and that was more important then time. In addition I went to get some food for house and when I left she had her head busy on text message ....

as I left I was like boy communication and respect aren't the same as they used to be for families with cell phones and computers ....

amazing ...do I call her out and say hey its really disrespectful...to not even acknowledge a hi or bye...because our daughter will learn how to behave from you ....or do I just let it slide ....lol...is that they way life is these days ?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> In addition I went to get some food for house and when I left she had her head busy on text message ....
> 
> as I left I was like boy communication and respect aren't the same as they used to be for families with cell phones and computers ....
> 
> amazing ...do I call her out and say hey its really disrespectful...to not even acknowledge a hi or bye...because our daughter will learn how to behave from you ....or do I just let it slide ....lol...is that they way life is these days ?


It IS the way life is these days... in a home where your wife doesn't respect you. It certainly will continue if you let it slide. 

But T is right, you need to focus on one area that bothers you most, first. I suspect it took quite some time to get to this point. It will naturally take quite some time to address it. 

One interaction at a time. Or you'll both get frustrated and fly off the handle.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Not acknowledging that you're leaving the house - I do see that is disrespectful. No need for a whiny conversation about it though. 

She has nose buried in phone? Walk up to her, stand over her, and say bye. 
If she doesn't stop and give eye contact, move closer, crouch down to eye level and repeat. 

The body language and repeat communicate that you won't be ignored.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

It's time to lay down the law. You need to tell her about the behaviors that you won't tolerate - ie yelling and incessant criticism. ALWAYS call them out and shut them down. You need to tell her what you expect from her - ie her assistance getting your daughter ready in the morning, getting out of bed earlier, etc; and avoid any tendency to cater to her that you might have.

I'm not saying don't do anything for her, but it sounds like you're giving her a free ride. It's time to call her out for being a bum and stop carrying dead weight. She's an adult, she needs to get out of bed, take care of her daughter and she can run her own errands.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> How do you deal if wife does what she wants at her time and she brow beats me about time ...
> 
> Here are scenarios ...
> 
> first when putting daughter to bed it will be 810 and she will come in get upset and says it's 830...


What's she upset about? Too late? Too early? What sort of upset? Ranting, raving and yelling, or just complaining that it's too early/late?

You gotta provide more specific information.

Next, why are you putting daughter to bed? Why isn't she? Why aren't both of you?



happybuddha said:


> tonight we got home relatives were sending her texts and left vm...and that was more important then time. In addition I went to get some food for house and when I left she had her head busy on text message ....


This is also not specific enough.

What's wrong with her texting relatives one night?

Did you tell her you were going for food? If she ignored you, why did you allow her to ignore you? That's blatant disrespect and you need to call it out right then and there. "I'm talking to you, and I expect you to acknowledge me."

You have a massive power imbalance in your relationship. Your wife is acting as a petulant child, and I suggest clamping down on her behavior just as one would a child. Yes, you call her out. You fight when necessary, not yelling, but with a calm, firm and assertive voice. Don't let her blow ups affect you. When she blows up, send her away or go do something else until she can speak like a grown up.

Do as you would do if your daughter acted this way toward you and recognize it as the incredible disrespect it is. You shouldn't be laughing this off or "that's just how it is these days". It should be absolutely repugnant to you. It should be visceral. That it isn't shows you lack self-respect.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I'm not saying don't do anything for her, but it sounds like you're giving her a free ride. It's time to call her out for being a bum. She's an adult, she needs to get out of bed, take care of her daughter and she can run her own errands.


If you do something for someone, something that doesn't benefit you, you have to WANT to do it, with no strings attached. Otherwise you'll just resent them. 

If they aren't appreciative, it then doesn't matter much. You still got enjoyment from doing something you truly wanted to do.

But if they criticize you for doing it, or for how you did it, then it's time to STOP doing it.

The "nice guy" will do whatever is asked, demanded, and often more, with the expectation that doing so will make her happier and make her love him more. Not so. When it doesn't work he'll try even harder. Digging his own hole.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> How do you deal if wife does what she wants at her time and she brow beats me about time ...
> 
> Here are scenarios ...
> 
> ...


No. You stop involving yourself in what SHE does, especially as justification for what YOU do.

You do what you know is right. When she tries to guilt you and say HER way is right, you just shrug and say 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' And you go about your business and do the things the way YOU want to do them.

She is trying to convince you that only SHE knows how to make decisions. Stop listening to her. Believe in your own brain, beliefs, morals, and do what YOU think is right.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> She is trying to convince you that only SHE knows how to make decisions.


And if you let her - she's right!


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Is it wrong me to want to have sex with my wife ? Its funny even her trainer suggested to 
her to read the 5 languages of love and hang out with more women to get in check with reality ..

I feel so turned on these days...by the time we end of having sex, I am afraid I will hurt her 
by making her sore from my excitement and longing for her this long ..LOL


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

At this stage, it's wrong for you to be focusing on sex when you haven't done the work to fix the rest of the marriage first. If for nothing else that you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Ok, But I seem to be the only one that wants to work on it ....
I am reading through NMMNG again and also listened to his 
audios as well on some interviews. I guess your right ...
Hmm, I am married, my wife doesnt want to talk about issues 
we are having, doing my part and much more and then we 
also have not had sex for maybe 3-4 months now ... I guess 
I am married on hold until she wants to do something about it ??


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

No. I have told you twice in your other thread, and will tell you a third and final time, then I will watch quietly from a distance. 

Until you deliberately blow up your current dynamic, it will never change.

Until you are willing to make her as uncomfortable with the current situation as you are, she will continue to take from you. 

Why? Because you are allowing it. YOU are the only one that can change this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> I guess
> I am married on hold until she wants to do something about it ??


What you SHOULD be reading in NMMNG is that if she won't be a decent wife (including sex), you should LEAVE her and find a better life with a NEW woman.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

turnera said:


> Ok. So the first thing you have to do is get THIS book - not Divorce Busters or anything else. Just this one.
> 
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/product-reviews/0762415339
> ...



Can't believe I'm the first to like this. 

Consider this two Turnera.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

This list in quite helpful from No More Mr Nice Guy : I did read this a few times before. I think the real key is doing the 
exercises and trying to find a group for support in steps of progress. I almost feel as if I am on a sex moratorium at the 
moment.

Do couples on here (husband or wives) share honestly when they are masterbating or feel sexual ...??

As far as setting boundary when my wife starts speaking to me rudely or abrasive - I don't let her continue 
and I try and shut it down asap.. even if I have to tell her that her tone is not respectful .. She also made fun 
of me for something and I let her have it about that as well...

I am going to find a group - I have watched this way she talks to me for over a week now. It seems as though
she is becoming more respectful just based on me not taking it from her ...

I have a question for the women on here .. Why do women keep track of their periods on their phone ?
I was just wondering what is behind that ? Is that something you do because it was taught or drs recommend ..Just wondering ?

I really do need to make some cards and read these list items from No More Mr Nice Guy -- Perhaps 3 times per day ..LOL
to stay focused and consistent. I did like what the book said about not settling for bad sex, I feel as if I have been doing that 
for a while now, I have sex at 10 pm when we are tired or take a hand job - as a consultation prize because I really want sex.
I want connection, I think by me stopping and not accepting these 2nd or 3rd choices that would serve me better than just 
taking scraps from my wife as well.. Perhaps that will set a tone that I don't need her unless she really wants to connect with 
me on a FULL ON level... I should be focused on doing more things to make me happy - why would I get off a path to stop 
to get something I really don't want - from a shame perspective - perhaps I have not been 100% honest with her when she 
asks me questions. I really need to be honest with what I really feel - and I don't have to settle for scraps just because I 
am horny - why waste the time on 10% of what I want if I can get 100% ..

I did not see the part in the book about if she doesn't change or respond to move on ..I really need to dive into this ,
and create some major changes for me ..

Also instead of me getting emotional and having food that could cheat my diet that will get me ripped and sexy...
I have decided to connect eating that food to me not getting the juicy things in life I want ... I am in great shape 
however there is a huge difference in diet between 16% body fat and 6% body fat ..

I did hang out at the beach and let go of trying so hard over the last few days to plan everything 
and I just tried to relax, it was nice I got some good color on my body wore my muscle shirt and 
focused on some deep breathing, I also have been listening to binaural beats on youtube along 
with some meditations for removing obstacles.. trying to avoid focusing on what I don't have and 
focus on where opportunities lie ..

LIST FROM NMMNG: 


1 If it frightens you, do it. 
2 Don't settle. Every time you settle, you get exactly what you settled for. 
3 Put yourself first. 
4 No matter what happens, you will handle it. 
5 Whatever you do, do it 100%. 
6 If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got. 
7 You are the only person on this planet responsible for your needs, wants, and happiness. 
8 Ask for what you want. 
9 If what you are doing isn't working, try something different. 
10 Be clear and direct. 
11 Learn to say "no." 
12 Don't make excuses. 
13 If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules. 
14 Let people help you. 
15 Be honest with yourself. 
16 Do not let anyone treat you badly. No one. Ever. 
17 Remove yourself from a bad situation instead of waiting for the situation to change. 
18 Don't tolerate the intolerable — ever. 
19 Stop blaming. Victims never succeed. 
20 Live with integrity. Decide what feels right to you, then do it. 
21 Accept the consequences of your actions. 
22 Be good to yourself. 
23 Think "abundance." 
24 Face difficult situations and conflict head on. 
25 Don't do anything in secret. 
26 Do it now. 
27 Be willing to let go of what you have so you can get what you want. 
28 Have fun. If you are not having fun, something is wrong. 
29 Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences. 
30 Control is an illusion. Let go; let life happen.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

You didn't see that part? #27
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

intheory said:


> I keep track of my period on a wall calendar with a pen. Your wife does it on her phone, 'cause she prefers to do it that way, I guess.
> 
> There are a few reasons to track your period:
> 
> ...


Also to know when you're about to go into b*tch mode so you'll be prepared, if you're one of the women who gets PMS.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> the real key is doing the
> exercises


Yep. You can't change just by deciding you are different. You have to physically BE different - a LOT - to remap those neurons in your brain to become the new person.



> I almost feel as if I am on a sex moratorium at the
> moment.


Therapists VERY OFTEN tell the man to put sex on hold while you work out the issues, so that you don't make decisions solely on getting sex.



> when my wife starts speaking to me rudely or abrasive - I don't let her continue and I try and shut it down asap.. even if I have to tell her that her tone is not respectful .. She also made fun of me for something and I let her have it about that as well...


When you say shut her down and let her have it...describe what you mean. How you do it. Give an example.



> I have watched this way she talks to me for over a week now. It seems as though she is becoming more respectful just based on me not taking it from her ...


Precisely what we have been telling you. You teach her how to treat you.



> I really do need to make some cards and read these list items from No More Mr Nice Guy -- Perhaps 3 times per day ..LOL to stay focused and consistent.


Yep. That's what your IC would tell you. Because it works.



> I did like what the book said about not settling for bad sex


PLEASE stop focusing on the sex. The sex will come. I promise. Once she starts respecting you, she'll start seeing you as a man again. Right now, she sees you as one of her children. Women don't want to have sex with children. Either that, or you do so many Love Busters that she can't stand the thought of sex with you - and you DO need to find out if that's happening. Later. Right now, fix the Nice Guy in you.



> I think by me stopping and not accepting these 2nd or 3rd choices that would serve me better than just taking scraps from my wife as well.. Perhaps that will set a tone that I don't need her unless she really wants to connect with me on a FULL ON level


Again, let's not focus on sex, ok? Not on getting sex, quality of sex, type of sex. And understand, this isn't about 'setting a tone' nor on teaching her that you don't need her. That would be you trying to manipulate her. Keep telling yourself that you're doing this so YOU become a better person - not to change what SHE does. Setting a tone means you're trying to make her do what you want, and that's not what the book is about. You, not her, ok? Focus on you. *Former *Nice Guys don't have to focus on what the woman is doing because they know that they can handle anything. If someone - wife or anyone else - disrespects him, he deals with it or walks away. Ok?



> I should be focused on doing more things to make me happy


That IS part of being a Former Nice Guy - knowing you deserve to spend time and effort on yourself. Like if you want to go play ball with your men friends once a week; if she gives you grief about it, calmly and lovingly tell her that you deserve and need guy time and you WILL be taking it. And encourage her to get her own girl time, too. Doing so will actually improve your marriage.



> - perhaps I have not been 100% honest with her when she asks me questions. I really need to be honest with what I really feel - and I don't have to settle for scraps just because I
> am horny - why waste the time on 10% of what I want if I can get 100% ..


First, Nice Guys almost NEVER tell their wives the truth, out of fear of reactions. Learning to do so is hard and takes a LOT of work. Which is why just reading the book doesn't change you; you have to make actual changes. And again, _stop putting this all in terms of sex_!



> I did not see the part in the book about if she doesn't change or respond to move on


It's the part that says you have to be willing to give up what you love in order to really get it. Right now, a fear of losing her (or losing the sex) is driving all your decisions. A strong man knows he can walk away from a woman who's not willing to give him what he wants. And when he comes to believe this, he starts becoming more attractive to her. Just like standing up to her makes her respect you. Funny how that works.



> there is a huge difference in diet between 16% body fat and 6% body fat ..


Just to be clear, if you're at 16% body fat, it's not the food you need to be watching, it's the amount of exercise you're getting. Are you exercising?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I am in great shape, I have worked out weekly 2-3 times with a personal trainer...
I lost 30 lbs and 3 belt sizes 6-8 months ago, I have been at a plateau, I also do yoga once per week .
I am in great shape however I want to look ripped , shredded where my ands are more chiseled and 
I look like I walked out of a magazine ad....

I have tons of energy and I am super healthy.
I dont eat ANYTHING processed and only go to organic restaurants.
I also only get food from Whole Foods that is organic 

I dont eat dairy ..
I dont eat sugar ...
i mostly eat fish, green kale salad and proteins 
and raw vegetables, I drink high alkaline water 2 bottles per day ..

Dont get me wrong I am super healthy - really healthy I just want to 
take myself from handsome to super sexy ...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I dont drink 
I dont smoke , no drugs either


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I just sent a request to a meeting group for support for no more mr nice guy in my area..as well.
Working on things. Last week I went and got myself a foot massage and also reiki treatment 
I am not sure if the binaural beats work ? anyone have experience with that ??


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> I am in great shape, I have worked out weekly 2-3 times with a personal trainer...
> I lost 30 lbs and 3 belt sizes 6-8 months ago, I have been at a plateau, I also do yoga once per week .
> I am in great shape however I want to look ripped , shredded where my ands are more chiseled and
> I look like I walked out of a magazine ad....
> ...


That stuff is important. Make no mistake.

But nobody buys a house that looks amazing on the outside but has a terrible termite problem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You do realize, right, that women don't typically choose a man just because he's ripped or hot? That they want the emotional stuff, the mentally strong man, the guy who makes them happy to come home to him.

If you think looks are going to make her jump your bones, the way a guy will often pick a girl for that, and focus on that instead of what would really make her hot for you, you'll probably end up disappointed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Happy,

There is no amount of physical fitness that will overcome the serious emotional issues you two have. 

Your (clingy, needy) behavior is turning her off. 





happybuddha said:


> I am in great shape, I have worked out weekly 2-3 times with a personal trainer...
> I lost 30 lbs and 3 belt sizes 6-8 months ago, I have been at a plateau, I also do yoga once per week .
> I am in great shape however I want to look ripped , shredded where my ands are more chiseled and
> I look like I walked out of a magazine ad....
> ...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Guys I appreciate the advice, I dont have any clingy needy behavior for months now.
I dont cling to my wife ... I am a strong guy and a leader and I get **** done !! 

As far as looks I get it , I do so much work on my inside .. I even got coaching 
talked to counselors. The issue is there are 2 people in a relationship.

I get the physical thing as well, I was 30 lbs heavier before and made $200k less per year 
in income - I had more sex then now .. I know its not all looks - I totally get that.

I am working on my insides ... perhaps my real issue is that I am making all her issues 
my issues ... maybe I am fine ... Its the fact that I am trying to fix her or help her that 
is the distraction ...

Perhaps when people on here share - you can share how you applied this stuff and 
you had success. Hate to say this but there also a lot of people on her that have opinions 
that have no relationship and a very bad attitude, if you are leading by example and 
I would like to know your story and what worked for you ..

As I said before I read no more mr nice guy, and MMSLP and got coaching from 
the authors and their recommendation was - she has to see a doctor - they felt 
that nothing I was doing was going to help at this point ...

Thats all


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

happybuddha said:


> Hate to say this but there also a lot of people on her that have opinions that have no relationship and a very bad attitude, if you are leading by example and I would like to know your story and what worked for you ..
> 
> As I said before I read no more mr nice guy, and MMSLP and got coaching from the authors and their recommendation was - she has to see a doctor - they felt that nothing I was doing was going to help at this point ...


Wait. So you called up Glover and Kay and talked to them? And they both said your wife needs a shrink?

Oy vey.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

HB,

How have you changed your interaction with your wife since first coming here and getting advice? 

Because you got very specific advice on what to do. And if I recall correctly, when people begin asking you hard questions about your behavior, you tend to run off and start another thread. 





happybuddha said:


> Guys I appreciate the advice, I dont have any clingy needy behavior for months now.
> I dont cling to my wife ... I am a strong guy and a leader and I get **** done !!
> 
> As far as looks I get it , I do so much work on my inside .. I even got coaching
> ...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I have specific answers ..I listen to specific advice...I guess part of it is knowing who to listen to that knows what they are talking about....keep in mind I have paid 80 to 150.00 per hour to professionals and coaches whom wrote books...I guess I learn better from those who had similar...experience and have been through what I have been through and are successful in life ..marriage and family ....

I do agree I can do a better job..perhaps your perception has to do with chatting on here in between life that's happening ...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> I have specific answers ..I listen to specific advice...I guess part of it is knowing who to listen to that knows what they are talking about....keep in mind I have paid 80 to 150.00 per hour to professionals and coaches whom wrote books...I guess I learn better from those who had similar...experience and have been through what I have been through and are successful in life ..marriage and family ....
> 
> I do agree I can do a better job..perhaps your perception has to do with chatting on here in between life that's happening ...


Successful marriages take two highly competent people. 

There are many experienced, competent people who became such due to failed relationships. And many mental health professionals in miserable marriages.

I watch for consistent tone and composure, not relationship status.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Even Athol kay will tell you that his advice can destroy your marriage. 

And some of the best guidance can come from a free sangha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Zillard, what do you think about my situation ?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

So here is what you really are unwilling to understand.

You are HYPER focused on sex. You don't see how the other parts of your relationship affect sex. And that is REALLY unattractive. Your wife treats you like a recalcitrant child. And you have allowed it. I don't care how ripped you are. Or how much house keeping you do. That is massively unattractive.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> Zillard, what do you think about my situation ?


Oh, I didn't say I was one of those people. Lol

What was your wife's childhood like? Good relationship with her parents or bad? 

She clearly has some issues. As do you. You can understand hers, but can't fix them. You can be less reactive and needy though. Pressuring for sex until you get a handy is gross. Don't ask or press the issue. Back off and let her come to you. To me sex is only good when she wants it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 

HappyBuddha said

What's the best kind of therapist for me

Judith; One that will help you as well as her. One that will help you to see what you need to see for you and her. 

in the books they say that if the book doesnt help you then you need to see therapist as well as sex therapist is what you need to see in order to help the sexual issues in the marriage. 

All the books are good that are listed on this site. 

People on here can be trusted to help. The tools they use to solve it helps. 

REad cuddlebug thread He has the right idea. 

Judith


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I get focused and then like today ...things hit me and I feel a bit down....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It happens.

Stop expecting perfection.

Start measuring trajectory.

Define "focused".


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Give examples. Then we can show you what a better way to handle them would have been. That way you can get better results moving forward.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Well this week I got focused in the way that I went to the gym, I got myself a new trainer as well to get refocused.
I didn't go all out for the bday and just took it easy .. Just kind of reading some of these books. I was feeling very focused 
and good about me.. Then yesterday saturday - just felt a bit turned on when I took a shower - thinking about missing 
being wanted and desired .. 

I thought gosh, this kind of frustrating - being all turned on in the shower - do I wait until I am not turned on before I 
get out of the shower in front of my wife or - I also thought geez ... this takes real patience . definitely missing sex I must 
say.

Went to mall and breakfast this morning - it was a beautiful day - I kind of feel into this pit - where I felt bad 
because I started thinking about missing sex, having fun and doing reviving, so I kind of feel into this tired low 
and was like - gosh I don't feel like doing anything today - same crap, sunday - day before week started and 
I get this kind of stressful feeling as if I had some expectation of enjoyment and fun on sat and sun as break to my week.

I am quite bored I guess.. its Sunday at 4 Pm , my wife is taking a nap, which is kind of usual so I am assuming 
she will be asleep now for 2 hours. I wanted to go to beach however she said she just wanted to go home and rest.

So I sit here in the house on Sunday - thinking of the possibility of some things I want to do - and I am getting 
sucked into some kind of low energy feeling that is VERY BORED - what do I do ??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go do what you want. Find some friends to do it with. (male friends!) Let her see you having a great life without her. And don't hide from her that you have a hard on - let her SEE that you want her and aren't doing anything about it. Unless of course you decide to just seduce her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Don't hide out in the shower. Take care of yourself, or strut out and get dressed. It's natural, not something to be ashamed about. Just don't pressure her (if she denied you previously). Let her mention it. 

And if you want to go the beach... go to the dam beach and let her sleep. just don't get all mopey that she took a nap. Well, that's still better than getting mopey and NOT going to the beach.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

You don't want to sit at home and do nothing while she naps. 

And I bet you my house she doesn't really want you to either. 

No offense intended, but if you're bored, you're boring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Yep, Man I can tell you I feel like I have been focused on doing a lot of great things for me this week.
Tonight I kind of hit a rough patch went to office to do work and I felt really mad that i am here working 
its been a long day - I feel so angry right now that my wife just doesnt even think about improving us ...
I feel like just coming home late after my wife is asleep - I am so agitated - what do i do when I feel agitated


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Punching bag, shooting range, work out, build something in the garage, or let it out here. 

Type or write in a journal with no filter, no proofing. Read it when you're done and burn it or hit delete.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I feel so angry that we seem to be disconnected...Today i had some protein shake and she looked at me upset because it was getting 
low and then suggested that I go get my own and put my name on it that I cant just eat everything in the house . My response 
was stop freaking out - I do shop and buy everything in the house . I will pick up some more as the store is less than .25 mile from us.

What made me mad is her suggesting I buy my own stuff and put my name on it . I hate the fact that she is just trying to control 
her stuff... Shes freaking out about nothing at all .. Now when she takes a shower and gets ready she also closes the door and 
wants to be left alone... Its really all getting to me now majorly ...

I really have been doing well, I got a new trainer, and have been really taking care of me . I am not initiating any more, I am not 
having any conversations about our situation and I am just wrrying about what I can control which is me....
yet today - I feel all pumped up - I feel like she really needs a wake up call... its all getting OLD


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Arguments initiated about protein shakes have nothing to do with protein shakes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

yes i think because i got rid of trainer that trains her, she is probably feeling all of the changes that I am making 
and these little bits are just her trying to gain control of situations and seeing if she can control her environment perhaps ?

I feel very very angry right now. I m getting pumped up feeling lots of great energy and shes like in her own world 
its like we are room mates literally and its really starting to get to me .. Last night on the way to bed I think I saw her 
glance at our wedding photos and family pictures -- hmmm...


whats so weird is she now has started getting up earlier and going to yoga early in the am ...
thats a big shift , she acts like everything is normal when we eat and go out and yet its 
like shes just ignoring the marriage part / intimacy part and just replacing it with work 
and sleep and her being tired ...its getting to me 

Your right maybe like forrest gump I need to run, run, and run until I cant go any further

All i can say is this is really blowing me up at the moment - O h How i MISS SEX and her desiring me so 
much .... its been like 4 months now ..


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

happybuddha said:


> yes i think because i got rid of trainer that trains her, she is probably feeling all of the changes that I am making
> and these little bits are just her trying to gain control of situations and seeing if she can control her environment perhaps ?
> 
> I feel very very angry right now. I m getting pumped up feeling lots of great energy and shes like in her own world
> ...


Sounds to me a lot like a power struggle between you two. 

If historically she's held all the cards, and you are now switching things up, she will notice every.little.thing. And question why. 

If she is accustomed to being in control of your sex life, she will not just let that go easily. She will mimic your changes (new gym routine = new yoga routine) to *likely unconsciously* keep control of the situation and get you to cave and initiate again. And throw out all sorts of crap about protein shakes, toilet seats, whatever.

If you do cave, back to ground zero. If you're a ****, back to ground zero.

I remember when my X and I had a big fight - not even about sex - she said, "fine, we'll see how long you can go without". Using sex as leverage. 

I caved every single time in the past. But I learned better. 

This time I responded, "Yep, we will!"

Guess who eventually initiated first? That was a good night.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why are you still going out to eat?

Are you still doing stuff for her at her behest?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You are still in Nice Guy mode. "If I do A, she will do B."

Doesn't work that way. We told you it wouldn't work that way. We told you to learn everything you can about NOT being a Nice Guy and yet here you are, doing A to get B. Not being a Nice Guy is about changing who YOU are...for YOU. Not to get a result from a woman. That is still Nice Guy mentality.

Until you can drop the ball and just live for YOURSELF, and NOT for SEX, she will sense it, hate you for it, and want nothing to do with you.

And try to remember that a woman will not change her mind quickly. She has decided you are a doormat and so she treats you like a doormat. She will not stop SEEING you as that doormat for MONTHS. And I'm talking MANY months. You've been trying to do this for what, a few weeks? Right now, she's just mildly interested in this new version of you, wondering what you're doing but not really caring because you're just the doormat she wipes her feet on. When she sees you going out and living your life and LOVING your life that doesn't have to include her...THEN she may become interested in you again because she'll have to pursue you. And women despise men they don't have to pursue.

This is not a game. It's not a trick. It's a life-altering state of mind for you, in which you understand you don't NEED a woman who's not into you, who won't give you sex, because you can - and will - go out and get some OTHER woman who WILL be in to you. I'm not telling you to go get someone else. I'm telling you to understand you have to believe you CAN go get someone else. THAT is what she needs to see change in you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> You are still in Nice Guy mode. "If I do A, she will do B."
> 
> Doesn't work that way. We told you it wouldn't work that way. We told you to learn everything you can about NOT being a Nice Guy and yet here you are, doing A to get B. Not being a Nice Guy is about changing who YOU are...for YOU. Not to get a result from a woman. That is still Nice Guy mentality.
> 
> ...


HB, there is a lot of truth in this post. 

It took me the better part of a year to learn how to live for myself again. This was while I was trying to balance meeting my wife's needs with some destabilizing mixed in. But there was a sort of magic moment when I realized that whether she came around or not, I would be okay. I wasn't just saying it internally, but I actually came to believe it.

When that happened, I swear she could sense it. It changed EVERYTHING, because suddenly I needed her less than she needed me, and it scared her. So she did what she normally did when she felt scared and out of control, and she began to try to power struggle on many things, doing anything she could to regain the control again. FWIW, I do not believe she did this consciously, but she did so nonetheless. 

The final straw was the shower incident I told you about in PM. When I told her I would miss her after she threatened divorce again, and she knew I meant it rather than it being just bluster, the power struggles stopped. Instantly.

So... Look at the power struggles as her trying to renorm your dynamic because she feels it changing. 

KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Thanks for the advice ...it's hard to really stop expecting my wife to respond ASAP when 4 months have gone by...

I do feel angry just because it seems basic for a marriage to talk about things ..

I know it's not a good idea as far as coming from strength and I'm OK all by myself to ask her what her thoughts are on our relationship. .because that would make me look needy or weak and that's not attractive ..

I do need to go do things that make mefeel good on my own perhaps I take a class with other positive people like tantra yoga or something ..LOL....

perhaps now is the time to follow some passions that I always wanted to do or take a seminar I always wanted to ...what gets tough is because finances are together she is always investigating what I am doing and why ..which I probably need to handle as well..or I could just say because I want to ...

it's really hard this whole process ..


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Turnera and Zillard's input here reminds me of the old days with Mavash and Conrad. 

Solid. 

Buddha, I think you're hearing the advice here but you're having a hard time applying it. Accepting it completely. 

Slow down. Stop. Just stop. 

Get to 10,000 feet and see the big picture. 

Focus on yourself not your wife. Make yourself a better, more confident man. You prefer your wife but if she doesn't come around you'll be ok. That's what she needs to see.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> Thanks for the advice ...it's hard to really stop expecting my wife to respond ASAP when 4 months have gone by...
> 
> I do feel angry just because it seems basic for a marriage to talk about things ..
> 
> ...


It's not hard at all. Do what you want to do with no secrecy. When she asks what you spent the money on you tell her.

If she gives you crap about it, smile and tell her okay. Then do it anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what we told you to do - go out and find your OWN passions so that your OWN life is fulfilling. So that you WANT her to be in it but you don't HAVE to have her in it. She needs to understand that, and it will make her respect you more and want you more. 

And OF COURSE you say, when she questions what you're spending money on, 'because I want to.' You don't question how she spends HER money, do you? Then why can she?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Thanks. I dont know why I am so wrapped around what she thinks. Also I dont know why at this moment sex does seem 
more important to me -perhaps its expectations of marriage or perhaps because its been so sparse .. Perhaps I come on 
her and say gosh - how lucky that people are having sex, having fun and doing things that sound very pleasureable.

Perhaps I am focused on what I am missing which is making me look at that and say - Hello, are the lights on in there ?
Is anyone awake ??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thing is, SO WHAT if you're missing stuff? 

Does that change who you are? What you deserve? What you should seek?

No. Stop letting external things guide your decisions. Barring legal requirements (getting arrested, etc.), do what MATCHES your core values. The rest will fall into place, if you just follow that.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

What do I deserve and what do I seek..?
These are great questions for me .........

perhaps it's difficult for me because I am supposed to be "married"..yet she pretends like everything is fine ....and no one is entitled to anything ....I guess I'm wondering how to seek what I want when I'm in committed relationship that doesn't fulfill my needs ...perhaps wrong view ..

she doesn't bring up discussions ..and I have stopped so I don't seem weak..since having a discussion like ...what is going on here ...puts me in that light ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And...once again you bring it right back around to what SHE is doing, what SHE wants...

instead of you.

Imagine yourself single. Very rich. No obligations. The whole world is your oyster. You've never met your wife.

What would you do?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

happybuddha said:


> What do I deserve and what do I seek..?
> These are great questions for me .........
> 
> perhaps it's difficult for me because I am supposed to be "married"..yet she pretends like everything is fine ....and no one is entitled to anything ....I guess I'm wondering how to seek what I want when I'm in committed relationship that doesn't fulfill my needs ...perhaps wrong view ..
> ...


Stop worrying about what seems weak, and instead stop BEING weak. 

Your world flows through her. As long as that continues, she knows she has you by the short and curly's.

How about pouring yourself a nice big glass of "I don't give a ****", taking a nice long drink, and doing what you want, instead of what you think she wants.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

You guys are right. .I think I have been so focused on her and what she thinks that I more than likely have lost sight of even what I want ...

it definitely raises lots of questions. I guess when you focus attention on someone else for a while you start forgetting about what makes you happy....and what drives you.

i definitely need to work out the "me" muscle ....lol....

also all the working put I'm doing has been spiking my energy and libido..I was thinking maybe I need to join a sports team to use the energy vs....thinking about sex.....or some club. .with smart positive people where I feel good ...


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

After divorce I had a GF who said something that surprised me. 

She told me one of the reasons she loved me was because she knew she wasn't my first priority. 

Took me a bit, but completely makes sense. See, if she felt like my first priority, she'd have to worry about her own happiness AND mine. She had enough on her plate just keeping herself content. 

Double that stress and it's absolutely exhausting. 

She can't rely on you if you NEED her. If you're groovy on your own, without her assistance, then she can chill when with you. 

You being somewhat selfish actually reduces her stress and makes her want to be with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Thats good input. I am making steps towards me. I might not be getting an A+ here but I have definitely altered my focus.
I am being comfortable being me, I am trying to laugh at life more and be comfortable with who I am ...

I definitely need to stop thinking so much about her which is an adjustment when your married and so you used to thinking 
a certain way. I do have to retrain myself here. It sounds simple however it takes me shifting my normal self into back into 
the PERSPECTIVE ..

I feel that I am making that progress. It is a big adjustment - I feel more confident now - as I have a new trainer and shifting 
diet to a higher level so I FEEL GOOD - for ME !!! I am also looking into additional classes for me to take that I enjoy ..

All of the change does take efforts - I am untraining myself and really getting into "WHAT DO I WANT" really. What makes 
me happy ....

Sometimes when I come on to this forum its tough to go into great depth because I am on here in between running my business 
and being at home and etc .. So its here and there 

Thanks Turnera for your advice as well as Far Side !! Appreciate it - Thanks for your patience with me .. I am grateful for your 
contribution to me of knowledge and time ..


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Things have changed a bunch..been totally focused on myself and focused on me doing what's best for me...

Wife has become curious...about what I am doing ...the biggest challenge is working on myself and expecting no immediate changes from my wife...main goal is to Stop looking for her to notice and do it for me ...

Have added running every night into my schedule ...added a dance class every week..added more cardio...added more protein.....added better food time...which is relevant to trainer suggestions ...

Got new trainer ....
More confident .....
More confident walking around naked ...
Getting amazing results on body ...
Not frustrated as much ....
Not mad as much ....
Cut back on date night which seems 
Uneventful and waste of money ...
Not initiating any more just working on me..

I do miss sex..since we haven't had it since april...however from my changes she brought up doctor and getting checked 3 times last week...which perhaps is a good sign.....where before she'd bring it up then forget for another 2 to 2 months ...

She has started working out more ..and watching her diet based on mine ...but sex...and intimacy isn't there like I want ....she will hold my hand or touch my chest ...but I am just meeting her where she meets me ...nothing further ........
Don't want to pressure her ...and I'm just working on myself and giving her space. ....it's hard not think about sex...when you have tons of energy and confidence however I feel like why initiate with her if she's not turned on by it..and into it....?

Why should I work so hard to have sex...if she isn't excited to have it and have it good ?.......that would be one way and with kind of mediocre...outcome ...

Also been focused on me feeling good and doing my best to not focus on the void ...

It's hard...I must say...I miss her and miss it.....found out I can only control what I do and not what anyone else does...if I become the change then...I will elevate my vibration which should impact my environment ......


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Progress, HB. 

Keep focusing on you. She will either come around or she won't.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I have to be patient i guess...its hard, and so am i ...LOL


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