# My wife hates my teenage daughter



## adadfirst45

Never thought I would be on this site reaching out for answers. Here I go. My daughter is almost 17 and I have had full custody of her since she was 11. She only sees her mother 1-2 times a year and it is usually for short visits. I have very minimal contact with my ex. We have been divorced for 15 years and she lives 4 hours away. When my current wife and my daughter met she was 13 years old. They really hit it off well. The only thing that seemed a little off was when myself or my daughter would get a text or a call from my ex. This didnt happen much. My daughter was pretty embarrased of here mother at the time and didnt want much to do with her. (I am sorry if I write a book, just getting out my frustrations ). But, when her text or call did happen, her mood towards my daughter would completely change. She would say things like, well she can just take her shopping or the both of you can, It was almost like she felt like she was pushed to the side and forgotten about because of a text or a call ( by the way I have only talked to her on the phone for a total of a few minutes since I have been with my wife, and before that is was also very minimal, we have had no relationship ). She would later apologize and say things like, her mom didnt deserve to have kids. Which takes me to another topic, we have been trying for 3 years and have had no luck. I am now 41 and she is 35, and I have the only child in this relationship. 

My daughter used to tell my wife everything. Probably to much. It seemed like my wife was really into her. I will say this, my daughter is not perfect. I know that she has had sex. I know that she has smoke pot. I know that she does sometimes go to an occasional high school party....But so did I. When confronted about these things she has always admitted to them. She is what I would consider a good charater person. She has a ton of friends. She laughs constantley, really enjoys life. But, she can also be very lazy around the house. She has to be told all the time to pick up her stuff and to clean. And her cleaning skills are not to be desired. However, I am trying to stay on her to fix this. She doesnt complain much when ask to do anything, its the fact that we have to ask. Her grades were similiar to this cleaning problem, and now she made the honor roll and has not had a D on her report card in 3 grading terms. To me its progress and she is willing to try. As I remember most teenagers possess this attributes. 

Here's where the problems now come out. Over the last 3-4 months we have had some terrible fights. Nothing physical, but the question of ending our relationship has come up. We could be getting along just fine, then my daughter will take a call from her mom, or she didnt clean her room right after being asked, I made a decision on my own to let me daughter do something...then all H$$L breaks lose. she is very upset and angry. When she gets angry she says some aweful things and uses and thing that either one of has said and throws them at us. Things that dont even pertain to our current argument. ( there are so many things to say here ).... She has told my daughter numerous times that she is the only reason that the two of us fight. She has used things that my daughter has told her and thrown those things back at her. She constantly brings up my old relationship with my ex from 15 years ago when we get in arguments. It has gotten to the point where I no longer confide in my wife about my daughter. ( let me stess, I dont not let my daughter speak badly about my wife, I usually am trying to smooth out the situation ). 

Yesterday was another terrible ending and we are still fighting about it today, and according to her our relationship is on the line because of my daughter. I asked my daughter to clean yesterday. She accepted and cleaned. Somethings she cleaned well and others she just missed. It was obvious that she was in a hurry to get out and hang with her friends. She did this right after we had spoke about her defining who she wanted to be and taking pride and responsiblilty in what she does. On my way home from work my wife called me to tell me that she did anohter terrible job. She was furious. I got home it it didnt look that bad, she just missed a few things. but, it didnt matter to my wife it was just another thing my daughter did and she was pretty upset. I initially stated that I was changing my daughters plans. She was to stay at a friends that night. I was to make her come home by 10 and get up in the morning and clean what she hadnt. I later changed my mind and made her stop what she was doing and come home and clean what she had missed. Here's where the fight really started. Once she was done, I let here continue on with her plans. I didnt punish her more and make her stay in for not cleaning better? This really pissed my wife off. one, because I let her leave, and two that I didnt talk to my wife about what I was doing. I am not saying that she is wrong for being mad that I didnt communicate this with her. Its just that she has such a negative opinion of my daughter that recently everything that happens is overblown. She says terrible things and is always negative. I cant remember one thing recently said by her that was positive. I come from a big family and eveyone I know loves my daughter. Nothing but good things. Always a few concerns, but isnt that normal in a teenage life. She always calls me or text me. she checks in through the day. I am obviuosly at my wits end with all the negativity and I dont know what to do. I do love my wife, and we do get along great when it doenst come to my daughter. I am all daughter has and I will never give up on her, so what do I do. Again, sorry for the book. I hope this all makes sense.


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## Syrum

Your wife should not be talking to your daughter that way.
I think you all need counseling.

I have an 18 YO daughter and she doesn't want to clean anything either. She will clean and help out when asked too and rarely on her own.

Most teenagers are like this, it's normal. It doesn't make them terrible kids. All you can do is get her to do it properly.

Also pick your battles. If they will clean when asked or perhaps when made to do it, then so be it. I would say big battles should about dangerous things (drugs alcohol abuse), hurtful things (lying and saying awful things etc), and if she is pretty well behaved then I think you are doing well and your wife's expectations may be very off.


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## adadfirst45

I have suggested we speak with someone, and she doesnt want to. She has never been in a relationship with kids, but always wanted one. I think hearing it from someone other than me would be great. 

I do feel the same way as you. I think that most teenagers are the same way. They do have to be told to do things. My wifes takes it as a put down to her that she has to be told to do things. This whole convesation is exhausting to me. Big battles have become the norm, from small happenings. I try not fight with her. I will agree, and hope she moves on, but it seems she cant. Once she gets mad is when the bad things start coming out of her. I can only take so much criticism before I start to argue back. Its really hard for me to listen to someone constantly put down my child. She says that she cares and only wants the best for her, but it is starting to feel different than that. Its almost like she wants me to pick a side. 

To my wife everything my daughter says is a lie. It doesnt matter if it was or not. We argue over this. Its almost like she wants me to get mad at my daughter with her. Its hard for me to get mad at her if I dont know that she did anything wrong. My wife just assumes that if she is out and staying with a friend that she is going to a party and hanging out with boys. I am usually on the phone with her or texting her to check in with her, so its hard for me to say she is doing something wrong. She has been in trouble for staying out late and she is punished. She has been grounded many times. To me this is all normal high school stuff. Atleast it was with me. It just feels like my wife gets mad at everything thing she does. Its never good enough. 

I have always taken the approach that life is great. Try to be a good as you can be and enjoy the ride. To me this is a heathly way to live. But I also stress to take care of your business. Which are her responsibilities. I preach about balance in her life. When it comes to my wife, I dont think its the same for my daughter.


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## golfergirl

adadfirst45 said:


> I have suggested we speak with someone, and she doesnt want to. She has never been in a relationship with kids, but always wanted one. I think hearing it from someone other than me would be great.
> 
> I do feel the same way as you. I think that most teenagers are the same way. They do have to be told to do things. My wifes takes it as a put down to her that she has to be told to do things. This whole convesation is exhausting to me. Big battles have become the norm, from small happenings. I try not fight with her. I will agree, and hope she moves on, but it seems she cant. Once she gets mad is when the bad things start coming out of her. I can only take so much criticism before I start to argue back. Its really hard for me to listen to someone constantly put down my child. She says that she cares and only wants the best for her, but it is starting to feel different than that. Its almost like she wants me to pick a side.
> 
> To my wife everything my daughter says is a lie. It doesnt matter if it was or not. We argue over this. Its almost like she wants me to get mad at my daughter with her. Its hard for me to get mad at her if I dont know that she did anything wrong. My wife just assumes that if she is out and staying with a friend that she is going to a party and hanging out with boys. I am usually on the phone with her or texting her to check in with her, so its hard for me to say she is doing something wrong. She has been in trouble for staying out late and she is punished. She has been grounded many times. To me this is all normal high school stuff. Atleast it was with me. It just feels like my wife gets mad at everything thing she does. Its never good enough.
> 
> I have always taken the approach that life is great. Try to be a good as you can be and enjoy the ride. To me this is a heathly way to live. But I also stress to take care of your business. Which are her responsibilities. I preach about balance in her life. When it comes to my wife, I dont think its the same for my daughter.


Sounds like you have a fairly ordinary teen daughter. I have same issues in my home. 19 year old daughter, 16 year old son who have tried booze, tried pot, are messy, clean in a heartbeat to get out of the house and all that you have mentioned. I have an H that whines like your wife and we have fought to the point of considering divorce. I too hold things back that have been confided in me because it will be used against them. It's a deal breaker for me if he doesn't back off. My kids too have a limited relationship with their bio dad, but whenever he pops up with a lunch date or text or golf game, there is hell to pay. What goes through these people's mind. Not much help, but felt like I was reaing my own story!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SuzyQ64

To me is sounds like your wife if feeling very insecure about not having a child of her own with you. I'm no shrink, but you have an irrevocable bond with your ex (your daughter) that your wife does not have with you. At 17, your daughter is striking out on her own, trying to be more independent, as most teens do. Maybe she is starting to feel the loss of not having a child around the house in a year or two and is trying to push your daughter away to lessen the pain. I have 2 kids, one 17 and the other 21. It is so tough to watch them grow toward leaving home. 
I would be so happy if my kids remembered to do even half the I ask them to do. Yes, most teens are lazy, but their goals are to have fun not do this boring "cleaning thing." She is a typical teen. If you have no other issues in the marriage, maybe seeing someone about your fertility issues might be a step in the right direction. By no means have a child to save your marriage, but if you guys really are trying to have a child and have been unsuccessful, this has got to be wearing on your wife. After all your "ex" gave you something that the has not been able to do--a child. Just my two cents....


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## Jellybeans

I think it's a combo of her not having kids with you and also jealousy towards your ex-wife. 

Nonetheless, she should not be treating your daughter poorly. Tell her.


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## that_girl

My stepdad's wife hated me.

She pulled the same crap. I was 17 and my stepdad told me his home was no longer my home and I was banished from his life for 8 years before I picked up contact again to see my brother. i was never close to my stepdad again. He recently passed away, so now I carry these things with no closure.

Whatever happens in this, PLEASE stand up for your child. Please. I never got over being pushed out of my childhood home (ages 2 to 17) because my stepdad's wife hated me. (he was my stepdad from age 2 to 17). He would just stand by when she was berating me or treating me poorly so not to upset her. He never said a THING. That betrayal was immeasurable. 

I realize now, his wife was insecure. He and I were so close, she couldn't handle that. I was a pot smoker, punker kid...typical. Left messes, ate too much food (haha), had friends over all the time. She hated that he spent time with me, etc, etc.

Still, what he did was inexcusable. I know it sucks to have to take sides between a wife and a daughter, but I'm not kidding when I say to side with your kid. There is too much at stake for her future relationships, etc. 

If your wife doesn't want counseling, then she isn't ready to face her own demons. I can be almost certain that her issues don't really have anything to do with your daughter.


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## wunderbar

A few things;

1) You are right, this is completely normal behavior for a teenage girl. What is the point of making a huge fuss over chores? I do agree with someone else, save it for the risky behaviors.

2) You and your wife are not on the same page. You need to sit down and discuss a whole host of things 1. Priorities in terms of your daughter (what is and isn't a big deal) 2. Her role as a parent - she needs to be supportive of your decisions and remember that this isn't her child 3. She needs to drop the insecurities about your ex - so ask her how you can make her feel more loved.

3) Reconsider trying for a baby / wear protection. The last thing your situation needs is more stress.

Good luck


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## DennisNLA

Stand up for your daughter as others have said. 

On another note, I have found the most effective method of serving consequences to my kids is to shut down their connection to Facebook. I started emailing a list of chores to get done during the day. If the chores were not done, without throwing a fit or making a scene myself, I would just shut off access on the router to facebook, and other sites. I did this a few times, an amazingly chores started to get completed to my satisfaction the first time. Just try to suggest to your current wife to show respect to your daughter, but give her power to take consequences out. Also I think your wife likes to power over her and they are both butting heads over this. Support your wife in the consequences, but take your daughters side when your wife does not show respect. 

Good luck.


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## adadfirst45

Thank you all very much for responding. It seems like I am always going to have those days and hearing back on situations similar to mine is always appreciated. I especially like hearing back from stepdaughters/sons to get thier in-put on this situation or something similar. How this affects my daughter in the long run is more important to me than my current situation. That is not how I want to feel, because I do love my wife and want to spend the the rest of my life with her, but she is making me reconsider this on a daily basis. It seems like to me that she can see no further than on own feelings. 

My daughter had been grounded for lying to me. A friend of hers ( a boy ) was inside of her car and was acting stupid and punched her window. It cracked it. She came home and told me a rock flew up and hit it. Because there was no mark on the outside of the window I didnt believe her. My wife insisted she was lying, as she does about everything. I did agree with her on this. The next day I went home for lunch and was talking to my daughter. I asked her one time if it was really a rock. She said no, it was a friend of hers and he punched the window and he begged me not to tell....she said she felt bad and told me the truth.. It made me mad that she had lied and was grounded for a week. Of course for the next week all I heard was I told you so by my wife. It was non stop. And it is never just about this siuation, it turns into everything she had ever done. But my daughter lied, so it was hard for me to say anything. 

Well, after a week I let her spend the night at some friends. She called me when they got in, and it was a normal night. The next morning her car wouldnt start. ( she didnt realize it was knocked partially into reverse, started right up after we realized.) She had already promised one of the girls a ride home in the morning so she could make it to her practice. She borrowed one of the girls cars and drove her to meet the girls mom in that. Well it started raining and the girls winshield wipers didnt work. After she dropped off her friend she tried to pull into a parking lot ( dont know why she didnt stay in the one she was in ) and ran over the curb and flattened both of her buddies tires. This was around 8:30 in the morning. Long story short. I am friends with the girls mom whos car she borrowered. I learned what had happened on Face book. Called my dauhgter at 10:30 and she was already back to her friends house and went back to bed. She told me she figured that since the other mom knew, she would just tell me later in the day. She was basically scared after the window ordeal. She was told not to drive another persons car and she didnt call me after she wrecked another persons car. This really upset me. Probably more so than it should of. Of course she was grounded again. No phone, no computer, spending her summer locked in the house with only chores to do. I really didnt give a time frame of how long. Then, part of the reason I was so mad started to come into play. I was mad that I knew I was going to get the I told you so's again from my wife. She was furious!!! She didnt understand how my daughter could be so careless. Why didnt she call us right away, and why was she drivings someone else's car. I get that my daughter made a promise and that the only reason that one of her friends got to stay the night was because my daughter was to give her a ride home. She was dumb to try to drive in the rain with no wipers, and she should have called! But I will admit it, I have done it ( no wipers ) with rain and with snow. I drove my buddies cars all the time and would still. But, I started to think that these are liitle things in life. Small charater builders that happen to the best of us. So, why is it such a big deal. She was wrong and she will be grouded again for it. 

Over the weekend my family was in town. We went over there to eat dinner and have a couple drinks. My wife had the day off and did some yard work and cleaned up the house, but had herself some wine before we went and while we were there. She was laughing and having a good time. ( my daughter drove seperate. ) She ( daughter ) was there almost all day and I had to work. It was a fun couple of hours. We got in the car to leave and no more than 2 minutes in she started in on my child for nothing. It was a good night, but then she flip the switch. The next hour was about my daughters character. I one point she tried telling me that no one likes her and she is mildly retarded. This PISSED ME off. She is a very smart kid and has a great sense of humor. She can make a whole crowd laugh. She attacked the way she looked and everything she had ever done. She even gave me a shove in the back. 

The next morning she apologized to me and to my child. She even agreed to go to counseling ( which I will set up ). But now that I am away from her it is all I am thinking about. I am losing my faith in her and I am starting to feel like my feelings for her are changing. She was everything I ever wanted. We very rarely ever have an issue with just the two of us. But, what she said is stuck in my mind now. She said some aweful things. I am exhuasted from this. Really I dont know what to do.


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## golfergirl

adadfirst45 said:


> Thank you all very much for responding. It seems like I am always going to have those days and hearing back on situations similar to mine is always appreciated. I especially like hearing back from stepdaughters/sons to get thier in-put on this situation or something similar. How this affects my daughter in the long run is more important to me than my current situation. That is not how I want to feel, because I do love my wife and want to spend the the rest of my life with her, but she is making me reconsider this on a daily basis. It seems like to me that she can see no further than on own feelings.
> 
> My daughter had been grounded for lying to me. A friend of hers ( a boy ) was inside of her car and was acting stupid and punched her window. It cracked it. She came home and told me a rock flew up and hit it. Because there was no mark on the outside of the window I didnt believe her. My wife insisted she was lying, as she does about everything. I did agree with her on this. The next day I went home for lunch and was talking to my daughter. I asked her one time if it was really a rock. She said no, it was a friend of hers and he punched the window and he begged me not to tell....she said she felt bad and told me the truth.. It made me mad that she had lied and was grounded for a week. Of course for the next week all I heard was I told you so by my wife. It was non stop. And it is never just about this siuation, it turns into everything she had ever done. But my daughter lied, so it was hard for me to say anything.
> 
> Well, after a week I let her spend the night at some friends. She called me when they got in, and it was a normal night. The next morning her car wouldnt start. ( she didnt realize it was knocked partially into reverse, started right up after we realized.) She had already promised one of the girls a ride home in the morning so she could make it to her practice. She borrowed one of the girls cars and drove her to meet the girls mom in that. Well it started raining and the girls winshield wipers didnt work. After she dropped off her friend she tried to pull into a parking lot ( dont know why she didnt stay in the one she was in ) and ran over the curb and flattened both of her buddies tires. This was around 8:30 in the morning. Long story short. I am friends with the girls mom whos car she borrowered. I learned what had happened on Face book. Called my dauhgter at 10:30 and she was already back to her friends house and went back to bed. She told me she figured that since the other mom knew, she would just tell me later in the day. She was basically scared after the window ordeal. She was told not to drive another persons car and she didnt call me after she wrecked another persons car. This really upset me. Probably more so than it should of. Of course she was grounded again. No phone, no computer, spending her summer locked in the house with only chores to do. I really didnt give a time frame of how long. Then, part of the reason I was so mad started to come into play. I was mad that I knew I was going to get the I told you so's again from my wife. She was furious!!! She didnt understand how my daughter could be so careless. Why didnt she call us right away, and why was she drivings someone else's car. I get that my daughter made a promise and that the only reason that one of her friends got to stay the night was because my daughter was to give her a ride home. She was dumb to try to drive in the rain with no wipers, and she should have called! But I will admit it, I have done it ( no wipers ) with rain and with snow. I drove my buddies cars all the time and would still. But, I started to think that these are liitle things in life. Small charater builders that happen to the best of us. So, why is it such a big deal. She was wrong and she will be grouded again for it.
> 
> Over the weekend my family was in town. We went over there to eat dinner and have a couple drinks. My wife had the day off and did some yard work and cleaned up the house, but had herself some wine before we went and while we were there. She was laughing and having a good time. ( my daughter drove seperate. ) She ( daughter ) was there almost all day and I had to work. It was a fun couple of hours. We got in the car to leave and no more than 2 minutes in she started in on my child for nothing. It was a good night, but then she flip the switch. The next hour was about my daughters character. I one point she tried telling me that no one likes her and she is mildly retarded. This PISSED ME off. She is a very smart kid and has a great sense of humor. She can make a whole crowd laugh. She attacked the way she looked and everything she had ever done. She even gave me a shove in the back.
> 
> The next morning she apologized to me and to my child. She even agreed to go to counseling ( which I will set up ). But now that I am away from her it is all I am thinking about. I am losing my faith in her and I am starting to feel like my feelings for her are changing. She was everything I ever wanted. We very rarely ever have an issue with just the two of us. But, what she said is stuck in my mind now. She said some aweful things. I am exhuasted from this. Really I dont know what to do.



Don't ever get your kid scared to tell you things. Why didn't you sit on your knowledge about wrecking her friend's car to see if she would have told you. Now you'll never know. Let punishment fit the crime. Let her pay for repair to friends car. Grounding this - grounding that - lay off a bit, it's becoming ineffective. Look at big picture, she was trying to be responsible. She made an error, paying cash for 2 tires and tow or whatever is involved will stop that from happening again. At 17, let natural consequence be the punishment. She's 1 year off of being responsible for herself - chill. As far as wicked stepmom - she's lost her 'parenting rights' and right to comment til she gets checked over and help. She's an abuser and keep up this crap along with isolation, you'll have depression to add to your daughter's troubles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

golfergirl said:


> Don't ever get your kid scared to tell you things. Why didn't you sit on your knowledge about wrecking her friend's car to see if she would have told you. Now you'll never know. Let punishment fit the crime. Let her pay for repair to friends car. Grounding this - grounding that - lay off a bit, it's becoming ineffective. Look at big picture, she was trying to be responsible. She made an error, paying cash for 2 tires and tow or whatever is involved will stop that from happening again. At 17, let natural consequence be the punishment. She's 1 year off of being responsible for herself - chill. As far as wicked stepmom - she's lost her 'parenting rights' and right to comment til she gets checked over and help. She's an abuser and keep up this crap along with isolation, you'll have depression to add to your daughter's troubles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get your rule, but if she was with a group of drunken friends and was only sober driver, would you flip on her too? There's no sin in driving another's car, the problem is if it gets damaged or wrecked. The natural consequence is paying the damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adadfirst45

Don't ever get your kid scared to tell you things. Why didn't you sit on your knowledge about wrecking her friend's car to see if she would have told you. Now you'll never know. Let punishment fit the crime. Let her pay for repair to friends car. Grounding this - grounding that - lay off a bit, it's becoming ineffective. Look at big picture, she was trying to be responsible. She made an error, paying cash for 2 tires and tow or whatever is involved will stop that from happening again. At 17, let natural consequence be the punishment. She's 1 year off of being responsible for herself - chill. As far as wicked stepmom - she's lost her 'parenting rights' and right to comment til she gets checked over and help. She's an abuser and keep up this crap along with isolation, you'll have depression to add to your daughter's troubles.
Posted via Mobile Device 


I agree and thanks for the tip. The wife had already read it on Face book, so it was something that had to be addressed right then. The grounding is getting out of control. She has already agreed to pay for it. Which she would and not say one thing about it. Thanks for responding.


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