# I'm told I'm too sensitive, am I?



## Ara (Mar 16, 2012)

I'm worried that my partner does not respect me. He says things most days which usually would not upset me, but when it's said so often I feel that he means what he says even though he says he is joking. These things include insinuations that I am overweight or lacking intelligence. He really feels that this is ok and that I should not be offended. I have tried to talk to him about this but it continues anyway. Am I being oversensitive?

I have spoken to him about it and told him explicitly that because it is said so often that I find it offensive. I have asked him to stop. But every time I do this, he tells me that I need to grow thicker skin. I have also attempted to demonstrate that I don't find what he is saying funny by not laughing but when I do that he comments "Oh, now you're depressed again".

I am usually really easy going and have ignored these things for over a year, but it's starting to get to me and I can't blow it off anymore.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

This may not be the best advice, but since it has been going on for so long and DOES show a lack of respect and consideration for your feelings...I'd give him a taste of his own medicine. I'd pick out a few of his physical flaws, I'm sure he has more than a few. And I'd start making jokes about them. When it's clear that his feelings have been hurt, I'd say "See? This is how you make me feel. We all have flaws, no one is perfect. So you stop picking at my sore spots, I stop picking at yours."


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I doubt the previous posters idea would help. In fact it would most likely make him worse. I would suggest that you start taping his comments and playing them back to him. Sometimes one doesnt realise how bad they sound.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most abusers (even verbally abusive ones) always claim their partner is "too sensitive" when they get called out on being 
d!cks. That is what is happening in your case.

It is NOT ok for him to call you bad things and later minimize it when you tell him it's rude/makes you feel bad.

This is no good.

Set boundaries.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Most abusers (even verbally abusive ones) always claim their partner is "too sensitive" when they get called out on being
> d!cks. That is what is happening in your case.
> 
> It is NOT ok for him to call you bad things and later minimize it when you tell him it's rude/makes you feel bad.
> ...


:iagree: It's a tactic they use to gain control. They do it out of fear and insecurities. It does not come from a place of love.

You have to let him know this is unacceptable and do NOT second guess yourself. If it's hurtful it's hurtful regardless what he says about your reaction


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## lovinmyhubby223 (Jan 31, 2012)

You’re not overly sensitive, he’s a tool. 

Even when two people in a relationship argue there should never be hurtful words exchanged much less during the course of daily life.

He has some insecurity issues and deals with them by putting you down and until he figures that out his behavior will continue.

I’d say seek some counseling or better yet have him get some therapy but it sounds like he’s not at a place in his maturity to agree to that.

Good luck to you, I’ve been there myself and had to just get out of that situation. Looking back, it was for the best.

I do hope things work out for you. You deserve better than that.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree with the above posters.

Not once has my husband ever talked to me this way.


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Ara said:


> I'm worried that my partner does not respect me. He says things most days which usually would not upset me, but when it's said so often I feel that he means what he says even though he says he is joking. These things include insinuations that I am overweight or lacking intelligence. He really feels that this is ok and that I should not be offended. I have tried to talk to him about this but it continues anyway. Am I being oversensitive?
> 
> I have spoken to him about it and told him explicitly that because it is said so often that I find it offensive. I have asked him to stop. But every time I do this, he tells me that I need to grow thicker skin. I have also attempted to demonstrate that I don't find what he is saying funny by not laughing but when I do that he comments "Oh, now you're depressed again".
> 
> I am usually really easy going and have ignored these things for over a year, but it's starting to get to me and I can't blow it off anymore.



He is saying you are overly sensitive as an excuse to continue his inappropriate "jokes" this is not how someone should be speaking to someone they love. You are not being overly sensitive, he is being an a$s.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Are you overweight?

I'm asking the question for a specific reason - not to be an ass.




Ara said:


> I'm worried that my partner does not respect me. He says things most days which usually would not upset me, but when it's said so often I feel that he means what he says even though he says he is joking. These things include insinuations that I am overweight or lacking intelligence. He really feels that this is ok and that I should not be offended. I have tried to talk to him about this but it continues anyway. Am I being oversensitive?
> 
> I have spoken to him about it and told him explicitly that because it is said so often that I find it offensive. I have asked him to stop. But every time I do this, he tells me that I need to grow thicker skin. I have also attempted to demonstrate that I don't find what he is saying funny by not laughing but when I do that he comments "Oh, now you're depressed again".
> 
> I am usually really easy going and have ignored these things for over a year, but it's starting to get to me and I can't blow it off anymore.


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## Ara (Mar 16, 2012)

Thank you so much for your comments they are very helpful. It can be really hard when you are always told that "other people wouldn't take offense" and you start second guessing your reactions.

It's not good, but he did get me to the point when I would say something harsh to him just because I felt so upset. When I do he gets really upset and finds that it hurts him, but when I attempt to make the link to what he says to me, he doesn't get it. It's as though its two different situations.

I don't think he would agree to counselling and I do think he is insecure which has become worse since I told him I was thinking of leaving about a month ago. But even with him knowing that I am thinking of leaving he continues to put me down.

I realise that this should be a wake up call for me to move on but I'm finding it really hard to do. I've even packed a bag once ready to leave but somehow he talked me out of it.

When we go out we have lots of fun so I keep thinking of that side. But I'm not sure that I like him as a person now that we are living together (we built a house together and have lived in it for about 9 months - been together 3.5yrs).


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## Ara (Mar 16, 2012)

To Conrad,

I am not overweight. I am 4'8 and weigh about 45kg (99 pounds). BMI of 22.5 to put it in prespective.

I used to be really fit and muscular but have lost that now as I am both working and studying full time. And I have lost some of that muscle since we have been dating, but no real change to my figure.

So I know that I'm not overweight and he is incorrect but it still hurts.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Love Song said:


> He is saying you are overly sensitive as an excuse to continue his inappropriate "jokes" this is not how someone should be speaking to someone they love. You are not being overly sensitive, he is being an a$s.



:iagree::iagree:

When you are in a relationship with someone and you have told them several times something bothers you, but they continue to do it, that is a sign of disrespect for your opinion and feelings. 

"You're too sensitive" is an excuse often given by verbal abusers to take the responsibility off them for then own behavior.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You need to lose weight....whatever it is he weighs.

What a turdbucket.


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## abandonedcompletely (Dec 21, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> When you are in a relationship with someone and you have told them several times something bothers you, but they continue to do it, that is a sign of disrespect for your opinion and feelings.
> 
> "You're too sensitive" is an excuse often given by verbal abusers to take the responsibility off them for then own behavior.



:iagree:

Verbal abusers will say and do whatever it takes to make you feel unsure of yourself. By you becoming self-doubting, causes you to lose self confidence and self esteem, which is the abusers goal. By them doing this, whether they realize it or not, is to cause your self esteem to become so destroyed you won't leave them. It's really sick how their mind works.. also sad.


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## Ara (Mar 16, 2012)

Thankyou to everyone for ensuring that I understand that his behaviour is not ok.

Does anyone know how else to approach the subject with someone like this in a way that may be effective?

I once told him that I don't want to change him, that if that's who he was then I just didn't want to be with him. He then told me that this was not 'him', that he was stressed (he is completing a really difficult course and working also). He then said that he would change. I personally do not think that people change that drastically and am grasping at straws, but I'm finding it so hard to leave!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to educate yourself about verbal abusers and emotional manipulators. This statement is often used by people to push your boundaries and your buttons for personal gain.

Read a few books. There's a good one by....Beverly Engle. I'll see if I can find a reference, but a lot of people here will probably have other suggestions, if you ask for recommendations about books dealing with emotional abuse, maybe in a new thread? In fact, I'll start one for you because it seems useful....


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband tells me the same thing...

"Don't you think you're being too sensitive?"

"Don't you think you're over-reacting?"

"Grow up."

"Get over it."

It's emotional bullying meant to hurt and divert your attention from him onto yourself.

I have not found a way to stop it myself... And the various methods I have used to deal with it have yielded limited results.

The thing I keep in my heart is the quote, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." (Paraphrased, I'm sure, by Eleanor Roosevelt - anyone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong).

I know how hard it is to not let someone effect you deeply when you are so close to them. I have a hard time with it also... I hope you find a way through this, past this, or over him. LoL, I wish I could do the same for me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dragona (Mar 21, 2012)

I have found simply asking in a very matter of fact direct way-- "so what's your point". Without any sort of emotion involved. Puts the person on the spot, turning it back on them. They don't have a lot of options. If they don't have a point...then ask why they keep bringing this up! If they don't know...Then say...so you don't have a point but you keep bringing this up and don't know why...(goes without saying)
Either way, your making them own it...and disarming them, giving yourself the upper hand. You can use that for almost anything they throw at you...it definitely helps to put things in perspective.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Please don't let this stuff pile up any more. Each and every time he says anything hurtful, no matter how small it seems, respond but only with "I statements"

"I feel hurt when you say ..."
"I don't like it when you say ..."
"I feel disrespected when you say ..."

follow this with

"I wish you would stop ..."
"I want to ask you to stop ..."
"I would like you to apologize for ..."

Stay with this and don't stop no matter what he says in return. Only he can control what he says but you will feel better if you speak up. No less luminaries than my wife, her mother and our counselor have told me I am too sensitive. I suppose I am but that doesn't justify hurting me.


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