# 3rd child (my husband)



## karenshane1 (Nov 28, 2012)

HI All,
I am brand new to the site and alittle nervous to post but here we go... My husband and I have been married for 8 years with 2 kids 7 and 4 yrs old. We have been to marriage couselling on and off for about 5 years of our marriage. Everytime it gets better for a month then we go back into our habits again and fall out of love. I feel like he is my third child and I do not look at him as my partner (never really did). I am not attracted to him anymore because who wants to have sex with their child!
Anyway, I had threatened to leave before (2 years ago) but I caved because he said he did not want to leave the children. Nothing about leaving me. We have not had sex in 2 weeks (we have gone a month before). I don't even have the desire anymore. We are like roommates. I know people who have gone without if for years so a month is not too bad but I only do it because he pressures me to and also because I don't want him to be in a pissy mood and turn his bad mood onto me and the kids. He has never hit us but he had called me bad names in front of the kids and we fight infront of them all the time. I just don't know what to do, live in a loveless (me to him) marriage and suck it up until the kids are grown or really think about actually taking action. Any advise would be much appriciated!
Thanks for listen, K


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## karenshane1 (Nov 28, 2012)

really need advise. Anyone?


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## karenshane1 (Nov 28, 2012)

anyone?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hi there, This board is often very quiet. You might be better posting the general forum...you 'll get more replies.

Do you want to save your marriage...your post doesn't sound like it.
Does your husband want to improve your marriage, have more/better sex?

Have you thought about how/when/where your life as a solo parent.

Maybe check out your legal and financial situation and get together a support team.

It's a huge decision isn't it. I'm for saving a marriage if it is at all possible.... but i don't believe in people staying together in misery.

Maybe try one last attempt at talking/MC. Let him know your ready to walk but give him one last try at being a good husband.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

karenshane1 said:


> I feel like he is my third child and I do not look at him as my partner (never really did). I am not attracted to him anymore because who wants to have sex with their child!
> Anyway, I had threatened to leave before (2 years ago) but I caved because he said he did not want to leave the children. Nothing about leaving me. We have not had sex in 2 weeks (we have gone a month before). I don't even have the desire anymore. We are like roommates.


Are you having (had) an affair or cheating (cheated) on your husband?


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## karenshane1 (Nov 28, 2012)

HI,
Thank you for your advice.
A++ - no I have never cheated, and never thought of cheating. I have not sex drive anyway at this point and I know what it would do to the kids. Sometimes I do think a "clean" break would be best for us. I have thought about seperating before, had it all planned out what I was going to do as a single parent. Where I would live if he did not leave the house. Schedules for the kids. So, I was (am) all set to go but an a chickensh%%t and didn't go through with it. I do not want to go to marriage couselling again. We have gone 3 times aready. We just go back to our old habits. I guess I am convining myself to do it now. I am just so scared. I don't want to hurt him. And the kids will miss him if he is not there everyday. Maybe I should live in misery until they get older. Here I go again. Back and forth. I wish I could just make up my mind! I know that it is going to be a battle with him, not to mention his mother (she is like the mom from Everybody Loves Raymond). Anyway, thank you for your help!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i think staying together for the kids sake is not a good reason to stay together. fighting in front of the kids? I'll tell you how it feels to be a kid and have your parents fight in front of you. It S*CKS! and i'll tell you how it feel to see your parents in a loveless, resentment filled, anger filled, empty, shallow, depressed marriage. IT S*UCKS!! I wish my mom kicked my dad out. And that was 33 years ago when I was a teen. if you're not happy, and you haven't been for a while, waiting til your older and the kids are grown, is not a recipe for a happy life. you deserve happiness, everyone does, so give yourself a chance for it. don't resign yourself to a life of less than mediocrity. stop flip-flopping. you know what you have to do. you've known it for a while. if MC isn't working, then you need to move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a very good shot at fixing this. Both will need to change, so that you can become lovers again, meeting each other's needs. But the change will most likely have to start from unilateral action. You say that the two of you work on the marriage then go back to your old ways. This means that you have also not done the work necessary to make real changes in yourself that will cause real changes in your marriage and in your husband.


It sounds like a lot of the anger in your marriage stems from the both of you being very frustrated and not sure how to get your marriage on track. 


Here is a list of books that can help you. Often times I find that one good self-help book is worth hour, months, even years of counseling. 


There is a good possibility that you can fix this. But the change will most likely have to start from unilateral action. Here is a list of books that can help you. Often times I find that one good self-help book is worth hour, months, even years of counseling. So here goes.


Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again, Michele Weiner Davis - great for communication, and for taking responsibility and action to improve your quality of life.


Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In, Laurie Puhn. - Ways to tackle problems in a common sense way, and open direct, honest communication in areas of conflict.


Fight Less, Love More

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, John Gottman. - Ideas and activities to go through to understand each other more and strengthen your bond together.


“His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”, Dr. Harley… good guides for how to meet each other needs and rebuild a to a passionate marriage.


Why not give the marriage one last shot with you working on changing yourself based on the advice from some very good sources. Then see what benefits this brings to your marriage and if your husband chooses to follow your lead.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I agree with EleGirl. Seems more and more people are too eager to end marriages instead of working on them. REAL WORK... 

A few MC sessions isn't gonna cut it with some people... maybe even with most people. Get some books, set some boundaries, start a scheduling of things to get things going into HABITS. 

Good luck. Books are great.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

karenshane1 said:


> We have not had sex in 2 weeks (we have gone a month before).


And I thought 6 months was bad


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