# Worried about my children- are there resources for them?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I am worried about my 18 year old son who was put in the crossfire of this mess that my ex created......I wonder if there are resources for him to read or help him understand the process? Also, we had a good Christmas together (me and my boys) BUT I think my ex discovered a post on Cheaterville about her and her AP and I think my kids may be embarrassed by it..which I understand but at the time, my ex was completely in the fog that nothing could get thru...now I am wondering if Cheaterville is such a good idea as it might be damaging to my children? thoughts?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I don't think Cheaterville is damaging. It's always hard for teens to cope with and process betrayal as they haven' learned how cynical and hurtful people you love can be. So in a way, it's a loss of innocence. And that is always hard to come to grips with- especially when it's a parent as kids tend to hold them in high esteem. 

What I suggest is talk therapy. Just someone they can sit with and talk about what all this betrayal means and so forth.

I have seen, like mine, so many teens unable to cope betrayal against them by a parent. Some professional help may be good.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> I am worried about my 18 year old son who was put in the crossfire of this mess that my ex created......I wonder if there are resources for him to read or help him understand the process? Also, we had a good Christmas together (me and my boys) BUT I think my ex discovered a post on Cheaterville about her and her AP and I think my kids may be embarrassed by it..which I understand but at the time, my ex was completely in the fog that nothing could get thru...now I am wondering if Cheaterville is such a good idea as it might be damaging to my children? thoughts?


Cheaterville is VERY DAMAGING to your children. Cheaterville is only going to make your kids very very unhappy and will not change the fact that you were cheated on. I keep telling people on this site that exposure isn't a good idea. I wish people would start listening.

Pull down all internet stuff about your wife and get your children in counseling.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Cheaterville may have some value for certain circumstances. Such as with engaged couples/married without children. 

But exposing your wife is unwise. It won't be long before one of their friends gets wind of the post and then it's YOUR kids who will suffer the taunts. 

I recommend you delete the post.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

How do you delete the post?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

How did your kid find out about cheaterville? When your ex discovered the cheaterville post what did she do? Show her kids? As in "look what your dad did to me!!!"? That's really bad if she did that. 

How much do your kids know about your wife's affair? I have been erring on the side of caution with my kids - answering any questions honestly but nothing offered unless asked. But it is better to find out from you vs reading it on cheaterville. If you did the post on cheaterville, I would advise you to delete it after speaking with your son about why you did it. It was a mistake - you can correct your mistake.

The most important thing is to protect your kids from damage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> How do you delete the post?


Go to the site. I think there is a delete function there. If for some reason the instructions ask you to contact them or if it seems it cant be done immediately. Then try to edit it - and remove the text and picture if you can.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Not sure if they did BUT strange things have been happening - like my kids all of a sudden stopped talking to me after having a great visit with them for the holidays. Once again, not sure if she did find out but posts have been made to the account. 

Both my boys found out about the affair after I left - she quietly introduced him to my youngest son and when my oldest was in town she said to him 'would you like to meet .....?" both stories annoyed the hell out of me because she was so blatantly open about her affair....so hurtful - no shame whatsoever....
I just deleted the information - this crap really raises unpleasant emotions. I regret her story getting posted but I here's the thing, I really cared about her..and felt she was in a hypnotic state or something and needed to be snapped back into reality...nothing works when they have gone that far....


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Not sure if they did BUT strange things have been happening - like my kids all of a sudden stopped talking to me after having a great visit with them for the holidays. Once again, not sure if she did find out but posts have been made to the account.
> 
> Both my boys found out about the affair after I left - she quietly introduced him to my youngest son and when my oldest was in town she said to him 'would you like to meet .....?" both stories annoyed the hell out of me because she was so blatantly open about her affair....so hurtful - no shame whatsoever....
> I just deleted the information - this crap really raises unpleasant emotions. I regret her story getting posted but I here's the thing, I really cared about her..and felt she was in a hypnotic state or something and needed to be snapped back into reality...nothing works when they have gone that far....


Revenge accomplishes nothing except bad Karma.

OK. What's done is done. Delete the posts and begin to heal. Get yourself into counseling. You'll need to mourn for the marriage you wished you had.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Bigtone,
I agree with Enchanted. Revenge by way of cheaterville accomplishes nothing. The BEST revenge you will EVER get is to live a happy and successful life without your ex-spouse. 

You are pissed off and bitter that she left you. I understand this very well. You are upset she is with someone else. I understand this too. You are upset that she is introducing your children to her new love interest, I very much understand this as well. I have felt those emotions too and that is okay.

I recommend you delete those posts and get your revenge the way I described above.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I think you were wise to delete the post for your kids' sake. 

As for helping your children, I also agree that counseling could be beneficial. I also looked on Amazon and found this book: Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful: Ana Nogales Ph.D., Laura Golden Bellotti: 9780757306525: Amazon.com: Books It might be beneficial for you and your 18 year old to read. I haven't read it, so I can't recommend it personally, but the topic seems to fit what you're looking for.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Bigtone
You are an honorable man. A faithful spouse who was hurt by the person who swore vows, blatantly broke them and now flaunts her activities. That's her. That's for her to bear. 

Consider gathering your boys after supper and telling them that in your pain and anguish you became bitter in order to try to gain peace. You did what people who have been hurt do. You made a mistake. Tell them you posted something on the internet that was aimed at making you feel better by hurting the one who hurt you. 

Tell them that parents can learn lessons too. You made a mistake you corrected it. Ask them to forgive you if they saw or heard about the post and it hurt them. She is still their mother and you will not interfere with their relationship.
(if they ask what the post was - it's not important; if they ask you to apologize to their mother - you've been thinking about it but aren't there yet. It may be a while. You are working on you and them first)

Tell them you are going to counseling and you've made arrangements for them to go to.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> I think you were wise to delete the post for your kids' sake.
> 
> As for helping your children, I also agree that counseling could be beneficial. I also looked on Amazon and found this book: Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful: Ana Nogales Ph.D., Laura Golden Bellotti: 9780757306525: Amazon.com: Books It might be beneficial for you and your 18 year old to read. I haven't read it, so I can't recommend it personally, but the topic seems to fit what you're looking for.


thanks again for the help..


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Bigtone
> You are an honorable man. A faithful spouse who was hurt by the person who swore vows, blatantly broke them and now flaunts her activities. That's her. That's for her to bear.
> 
> Consider gathering your boys after supper and telling them that in your pain and anguish you became bitter in order to try to gain peace. You did what people who have been hurt do. You made a mistake. Tell them you posted something on the internet that was aimed at making you feel better by hurting the one who hurt you.
> ...


My kids are away at university so there won't be any supper....but I will let them know...thanks for the advice..


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

bigtone: Your stbxw may be badmouthing you behind your back in a passive agressive manner. Not directly saying anything bad, but playing the "victim" card. As in "ohhh, your Dad was soooooo hard to live with.... I had no choice. Look - he posted me on that awful website!!" etc, etc.

Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to counter this except be the best Dad you can be. Kids are very smart, and your kids are older so they likely know what's going on anyway. Just be there for them when they need you and keep being a great Dad. Remember too - when they don't talk to you - it could be they're just having a bad day. Or maybe they're just angry - at the BOTH of you. Might have nothing to do with you specifically.

Counselling is a great idea - you may want to check out the resources at the Universities that they're attending.

It's tough being a parent when this happens. Stay strong for your kids!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> Cheaterville is VERY DAMAGING to your children. Cheaterville is only going to make your kids very very unhappy and will not change the fact that you were cheated on. *I keep telling people on this site that exposure isn't a good idea.* I wish people would start listening.
> 
> Pull down all internet stuff about your wife and get your children in counseling.


You _are_ talking about Cheaterville only and not exposure in general, right?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> bigtone: Your stbxw may be badmouthing you behind your back in a passive agressive manner. Not directly saying anything bad, but playing the "victim" card. As in "ohhh, your Dad was soooooo hard to live with.... I had no choice. Look - he posted me on that awful website!!" etc, etc.
> 
> Unfortunately, there is not much you can do to counter this except be the best Dad you can be. Kids are very smart, and your kids are older so they likely know what's going on anyway. Just be there for them when they need you and keep being a great Dad. Remember too - when they don't talk to you - it could be they're just having a bad day. Or maybe they're just angry - at the BOTH of you. Might have nothing to do with you specifically.
> 
> ...


Yea she's probably doing that - that's her style...she and her AP are really a piece of work....


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Enchanted said:


> Cheaterville is VERY DAMAGING to your children.


No, CHEATING is very damaging to his children. So is having a manipulative, emotionally bankrupt mother. The decision to use the children to escape the consequences of her decisions is disgusting. 

I agree his hands are tied here and he had very little choice but to remove the post, but I disagree with any conversation where he apologizes for it. As a matter of fact, I would be use this as an opportunity to have a heart to heart about rights and wrongs and the consequences. I'd also explain what it means to be a man and to stand up for yourself and what's right. You do not to roll over quietly, you fight. As a husband, father and as a man there are hills you have to be willing to die on. This is a perfect example of one of them. 



Enchanted said:


> I keep telling people on this site that exposure isn't a good idea. I wish people would start listening.


If your talking about exposure in general, I shouldn't even respond. I'm hot and surely will get a timeout or be banned.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Most kids are positively influenced by parents who can admit they made a mess of things, don't know all the answers about life and life situations, and provide them with a venue for open dialogue with the parent and also access to a therapist. My son has been in a stable, committed relationship for over 2 years. Me, on the other hand, I've made a lot of relationship mistakes. But, we always put good mental health and honesty first in our family (me and my kids.) So despite me having a bit of a nomad life, they know they can count on me for listening and general emotional and physical safety, and getting their needs met (physical and otherwise.) Being a good parent doesn't mean succeeding at your marriage or intimate relationships, it means setting a good example, this includes how to make mistakes and what to do when you've made them.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

well cheaterville might not be healthy but exposure is definitely good - i may make mistakes but by doing so - I learn what is effective and what is not....covering up does not work...exposing is good - good people have nothing to hide.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

bigtone128 said:


> I am worried about my 18 year old son who was put in the crossfire of this mess that my ex created......I wonder if there are resources for him to read or help him understand the process? Also, we had a good Christmas together (me and my boys) BUT I think my ex discovered a post on Cheaterville about her and her AP and I think my kids may be embarrassed by it..which I understand but at the time, my ex was completely in the fog that nothing could get thru...now I am wondering if Cheaterville is such a good idea as it might be damaging to my children? thoughts?


I think you should have told your children about your WW's A before you posted them on Cheaterville. You should have told your sons that you were exposing their mother's misbehavior. Then they wouldn't have been surprised. 

Let their mother explain to them why she is showing up on a trash website, exposing trashy behavior she didn't bother sharing with them.


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