# Oops, said something mean.... (or, "Chips & Salsa")



## 5cott (Feb 17, 2011)

I said something mean to my wife (of 12 years) a couple months ago. I've apologized, but she is still not over it. What should I do?

We were in a Mexican restaurant, and we were eating chips and salsa. My wife was eating with gusto and verve, dipping the chips deep into the salsa, stirring the salsa with a chip, pulling it out with a thick layer of salsa on it and transfering it to her mouth.

I made a comment that (I don't recall exactly what I said) she should take it easy, or something like that. We discussed it for a little while, and somehow it came out that I thought it was gross.

Now, she won't eat chips and salsa any more around me. We even avoid going to Mexican restaurants now. What can I do about this?


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

She sounds completely oversensitive.

I can't imagine that you would tolerate this childlike attitude.


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## 5cott (Feb 17, 2011)

I do agree that it's childish. I even told her so, but it didn't change anything. What do you mean by "tolerate"?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Tell her you think it's cute, you eat chips&salsa with exaggerated gusto and verve, be really silly about it and invite her to join you. Or feed her.
Turn it into a big silly joke, maybe it'll help allay her self-consciousness.

Is it about something else for her maybe? Weight, food, attractiveness? 
You mustve tapped into some insecurity unintentionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Fuming for a few days is fine. A few months? Very not so much.

Start eating a lot of chips & salsa when she is around.


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## WinterSparrow (Feb 14, 2011)

She's definitely not over-sensitive, I actually can't think of a single woman who wouldn't react this way. 99.99% of women have some sort of issue with their weight. They're either skinny and terrified of gaining weight or not skinny and struggling with the accompanying feelings of self-loathing and shame.

It may sound like I'm exaggerating but I'm really not. Weight and food are two big hot spots for most women. So when you made your salsa/chip comment, what she actually heard was something along the lines of "Oh my god, you're a pig, stop shoveling food into your pie-hole like there's not tomorrow because trust me, it's all going to your ass, which by the way is huge". Yup yup. I wouldn't be surprised if she stopping eating in front of your entirely, or started eating extremely carefully so as not to disgust you again.

My husband basically makes no comment at all on what I'm eating or how I eat it because he knows that if he does that food will be placed on a banned foods list and for weeks if not months I won't want to eat around him. Girls ca be sensitive like that, but I don't think you can blame us.


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## 5cott (Feb 17, 2011)

We met and started dating about 13 years ago. Since then she's added about 30 or 40 pounds to her five-foot-two frame, so, yeaaa, she must be sensitive about weight and food.

So let's concentrate on that angle.

Thanks for the comments so far.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ask yourself, what is to be gained by criticizing your wife? Compare that against what is to be lost by doing it. 

The solution to this issue is to say and do things to make your wife feel loved, and she will no longer focus on this incident.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

WinterSparrow said:


> She's definitely not over-sensitive, I actually can't think of a single woman who wouldn't react this way. 99.99% of women have some sort of issue with their weight. They're either skinny and terrified of gaining weight or not skinny and struggling with the accompanying feelings of self-loathing and shame.
> 
> It may sound like I'm exaggerating but I'm really not. Weight and food are two big hot spots for most women. So when you made your salsa/chip comment, what she actually heard was something along the lines of "Oh my god, you're a pig, stop shoveling food into your pie-hole like there's not tomorrow because trust me, it's all going to your ass, which by the way is huge". Yup yup. I wouldn't be surprised if she stopping eating in front of your entirely, or started eating extremely carefully so as not to disgust you again.
> 
> My husband basically makes no comment at all on what I'm eating or how I eat it because he knows that if he does that food will be placed on a banned foods list and for weeks if not months I won't want to eat around him. Girls ca be sensitive like that, but I don't think you can blame us.


Based on his post, he simply said - hey, take it easy. How does that equate to ANYTHING having to do with her weight? It sounds to me like he meant, hey, take it easy as a joke - that she was enjoying the chips/salsa and it was just a light-hearted comment. SHE took it as to mean it was about her weight - not what I thought when I read what he wrote - at all.

SHE apparently has an issue with her weight and anything that he says concerning food is going to be sensitive to her - that's HER problem, not HIS.

And that's why she is still stewing about it months later. That and the fact that she is overly-sensitive and acting like a child - let me pout and act put out because he hurt my feelings. When it wasn't his intention at all, SHE didn't hear "what he said," SHE heard "what she wanted to hear."

He apologized (though I wouldn't have, he didn't do anything wrong - but he recognized her feelings were hurt, so an apology, because he loves her was nice), and that should be that.

I'm sure SHE has never said anything to him that he "heard" the wrong way too...she needs to grow up and if she has a problem with her weight, then SHE needs to do something about it, not his problem and not his fault.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

5cott said:


> We met and started dating about 13 years ago. Since then she's added about 30 or 40 pounds to her five-foot-two frame, so, yeaaa, she must be sensitive about weight and food.
> 
> So let's concentrate on that angle.
> 
> Thanks for the comments so far.


there's your answer.

I still think that if you want to take the power away from this, send the message that she's sexy and attractive and the chips&salsa thing is a big goofy silly joke.

People are sensitive about very personalized things.
E.g., a small petite woman may pride herself on being able to pack away a ton of food, so she may laugh off a comment like that.
But if your wife has gained weight and isn't thrilled about it, that joke will hit her wrong.

Your comment in and of itself isn't "terrible," and wouldn't have had an impact if your wife didn't have a particular sensitivity about weight and food.
So you're not "wrong." 
but she's now self-conscious, and you are a truly good guy for caring about that.
Hopefully she will see that.

And maybe in the future you can tune in to the things that are more and less meaningful to her, so you know what's a "safe joking zone."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Tell her you think it's cute, you eat chips&salsa with exaggerated gusto and verve, be really silly about it and invite her to join you. Or feed her.
> Turn it into a big silly joke, maybe it'll help allay her self-consciousness.
> 
> Is it about something else for her maybe? Weight, food, attractiveness?
> ...


Um yeah, this won't work. What will work is to point out something that you do or did that she thought was gross and say it's no big deal.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ooogles said:


> Um yeah, this won't work. What will work is to point out something that you do or did that she thought was gross and say it's no big deal.


Um yeah, would work for me.
But your suggestion would too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Um yeah, would work for me.
> But your suggestion would too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. It would work for you. But she's way too oversensitive than you are. She will take it as him hitting on her insecurity.


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