# Why keep moving goalposts?



## ArgleBargle (Dec 31, 2015)

Why is this done?

Less than a month after marriage, my wife showed me rings she wanted to get as an "upgrade". I bought the best I could get. I couldn't afford a month's wages to get the very bottom end of what she was showing me. She said she deserved an upgrade, because a wedding ring is a symbol.

We are also looking for a new apartment. She at first was adamant about minimum size then agreed that a smaller one would be acceptable, particularly since it would be hundreds of dollars less a month in rent. I found several and she expressed pride in me.

Not a few hours later, she was telling me how she could easily find larger places for just a few hundred dollars more.

I fear that I blurted out "What do I do that is good enough for you?" After all, it seems to be a reasonable question. Now she will not communicate with me. (She happens to be out of state at the moment and we were talking on the phone.)

What is moving the goalposts over and over about? Why is it not possible to be good enough? Why was it evil to ask what I did that was good enough?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sounds like you are in for a world of pain if you don't get this straightened out right away.

I hope you don't have any children.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Seems like you got yourself a one of those. One of those who always is going to want the bigger, better and more. Nothing you could ever do would make her happy. She can do better and she knows people who could do better. She deserves better. Why can't you make her happy and give her everything she wants. 

Good luck. You can either put a stop to her complaining and comparing. Or run and file for divorce.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow she seems a bit ungrateful that's for sure. I would not do anymore talking on the phone, I would wait until she comes home and then discuss.

I'm not a diamond's kind of girl just never appealed to me, so I would not know why she feels she needs a bigger ring right now just shortly after being married. The only thing that comes to mind for me on this and the apartment is wanting to keep up with the joneses.

Did you know she was the type of women that can never be satisfied before you got married? Did you discuss finances and what you could afford between the two of you?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
The engagement ring I got my wife was a little gold thing with a small amethyst, and her wedding ring was a simple thin gold band. That was in 1986 and we are still married. We got married in a public park, food was sandwiches and cans of soda from Togo's. 

If I had bought her the most expensive ring I could have possibly afforded at the time, following the insane "2 months salary" guideline from jewelry stores, she would have ended up with a tiny diamond. It would have cost less than we just spent per night at a hotel last week.

She still wears both rings - she likes them because I got them for her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm sorry buddy. You have chosen poorly. I would consider this annulment type stuff. The reason? 1)the size of that damn ring shouldn't mean squat- what should mean something f is that YOU gave it to her. That's her original ring thAt you put on her finger when you said your vows. That's what should mean something.
2) how big the apartment is shouldn't be a problem. That it is the place she starts her life with you--- IS

3) she is not talking to you because you have called her on her shallow bs and she has nothing to say -- because she is shallow! 

This is just the beginning. I've never heard of such selfish, childish, self-centered thinking this early in a marriage. 

You need to talk to someone that you care about that knows her and ask them what they think.

I'll bet they say to R-U-N!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Call me old fashioned, but I thought an engagement/wedding ring was a symbol of love, not bank balance!

Has your wife always been so self serving OP? 

An upgrade?? Ouch. How insulting.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I aint sayin' she a gold digger....


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He needs to upgrade his wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I still wear my simple gold band after ongoing 36 years of marriage (first time for both of us). I can afford a 10 carat diamond, but I would rather retire early with my husband and be free of debt. What you have here is a high maintenance woman. 

Your one-month old wife wants a new more expensive ring, a larger and better apartment, and most likely a better husband. Be careful with these upgrades, she might just upgrade you!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Quite a few years ago, the "Diamond Industry" threw out the phrase that "at a minimum, an engagement ring's cost should represent a month's salary; and then it became pretty much the same thing for a wedding ring!

The diamond folks didn't exactly do this to help people's budgets out; it was done solely to foster their infinite penchant for greed of money, to which so many people, inclusive of your W, have been so unconscionably duped into believing!

Lesson No. 1 in marital love - Love is not about materialism or about the acquisition of earthly wealth!

As my grandfather so lovingly told and taught me the age-old lesson from so many eons ago, "you'll never take it with you when you go!"

Moral: Run from this woman ~ execute divorce ~ it will only get worse, provided she doesn't ever come to change her tune!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

talk about high maintenance, i'm not sure you will ever be able to keep up with upkeep on this model. she is basically placing the grounds rules on how she sees this marriage working, her expectations on everything going forward, a better apartment, better house, better car, better clothes...basically a better life then you can afford, you will work and work and it will never be enough for her....and then one day she will turn to you and say "I am upgrading on you"...and she will run off with someone else who can give her better. (that will be the happiest day of your life)


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel so sad for you OP...your wife sounds like a piece of work. I have a beautiful engagement/wedding ring, and I love them, they are incredibly precious to me. It's what they represent that I love the most about them though  Hubby and I, vowing to love each other, commit to each other and build a life together. 

I adore my husband, there's not a single material thing he could give me, to make my life better. The only thing I wish I had more of is his time.

I can't believe your wife's attitude...wow.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ArgleBargle said:


> Why is this done?
> 
> Less than a month after marriage, my wife showed me rings she wanted to get as an "upgrade". I bought the best I could get. I couldn't afford a month's wages to get the very bottom end of what she was showing me. She said she deserved an upgrade, because a wedding ring is a symbol.
> 
> ...


Your wife is materialistic. Surely this isn't news to you? How long did you date? Did you notice that she likes nice things while you were dating? Did you ever discuss financial matters before getting married?

Does she contribute to the family finances? Have you two spent time discussing finances, monthly budgets, and saving up for the nice things you want by setting money aside each month? Do you two share a clear understanding of your joint finances, and have you discussed financial goals? Do you agree on an approach to handling money and credit cards and paying bills? Is she used to spending her own money on nice things?

If you have not had these discussions, it's time to do that. 

And try not to assume everything she says and does is a reflection on whether YOU are good enough. She sounds immature - that's more a reflection on who she is at this stage of her life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*cough* Annulment!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You really do need to try to get on the same page regarding finances, because the sort of materialism your W is displaying doesn't bode well for a very happy marriage. Nothing will ever be good enough and she will be forever trying to shame you into providing more than you're capable of providing. 

Time put your foot down or resign yourself to a life of misery trying to keep up with 'The Joneses.' If she isn't working, encourage her to find a job and keep it. And for pity's sake - don't start a family with her until all of this is sorted out.

ETA: Regarding her being out of State and not talking to you right now. Let her stew... She's pulling the silent treatment to force you to comply with whatever her latest demands are.


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