# Tell me about life after..........



## Standing_Firm (Mar 20, 2012)

divorce. Not ready to give up yet..........(to be continued)....

Little about myself....father to seven, been married to the same woman for 20 years, and I, yes I, had some major issues about some of the things that SHE wanted to change in her life.

What I am doing right now.........seeing two counselors, going to AA meetings (yes, had a drinking problem but that is not what caused the divorce, the drinking came about to sooth the pain of the divorce........more on that later), and going to every 'self help' group that I can find.

I am NOT very hopeful that we will get back together (anytime soon anyway), so I would kind of like to know what everyone else is doing to sooth the pain, bide the time, get back into life, etc.......


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Well it all depends on you doesn't it. I got over it and bounced back fairly quickly - I've been on holidays, to the theatre, out drinking, I do lots of things I know he would hate. I've caught up with old friends, see a lot more of my family

I didn't see it as losing someone, more as being set free. Not everyone has that luxury x


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## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

I feel liberated and free of all the bad things that happened in my marriage. I kept my home, my kids, she was the problem and she is gone. I've since been dating someone and couldn't ask for anything better. My kids don't see the conflict anymore either. I should have filed years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Doesn't sound like you have closure yet with the marriage - is it over, is it not. Take care of yourself - physically, financially, professionally, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Stay active. Focus on what is best for the kids.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

7 kids, wow. at least in most states child support levels off after the 3rd or 4th child.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Who says she'll be the one to get custody? 

Keep yourself busy. Do things YOU have always wanted to do. Volunteer places. Get together with friends that you didn't make time for before. Join a professional organization. Take a class just for the fun of it. Join a book club.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

A lot of folks here, particularly the men, hit the gym or start working out at home. It helps you develop healthy habits, replaces the stress chemicals with endorphins, and gets you out of what's going on in your head for a while. Stretch yourself outside of your comfort zone, too.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Firstly I never sat down and thought about what life after divorce would be like, I didn't even know that morning that I would end the marriage by the end of the day.

I was miserable with the actual relationship part but very happy with general life, kids, friends, family, social life etc.

Then once the ball started rolling it all happened so fast that honestly there was no time or room to think about life beyond that day. Getting from one day to the next was hard enough, the future was not in my thoughts.

Then I fell into a massive hole, drank a fair bit (never with the kids around) and generally wasted a year wallowing in it all.

Next stage was to get my act together, did lots of reading and self learning. Got the communication back on track with the ex, sort stuff out, did our financial settlement and divorce without lawyers. Sorted out all the child related issues.
I got back into cycling which I simply love, lost the weight I had gained from the drinking and wallowing days. 

When life was back on track I started dated, had lots of fun, never had any intention of meeting Mr Wonderful. I enjoyed the company and the attention of various gorgeous men. Then Mr Wonderful did find his way into my life and I have been challenged and blissed out ever since.

Everyone's story will be different, there is no one set path during or following divorce, just as there is no one set path for marriage.

All the best to you OP, wherever your peace is i hope you find it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Maneo said:


> Doesn't sound like you have closure yet with the marriage - is it over, is it not. Take care of yourself - physically, financially, professionally, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. Stay active. Focus on what is best for the kids.


:iagree: I don't know what's the story with your wife. You really haven't given us much in the way of details. How old are your kids? What is your wife's part in all this and how is your relationship now? Are you separated and if so, how long? All this plays a factor in how your post divorce life will be. 

If your kids are young it's going to be a lot different then if they are grown and out of the house. If they are minor children who will they live with? The terms of your break up will play a role in how you deal with this.

For myself, I have been separated for the past 2.5 years so when I did make the decision to file it was something that had built up and I'd come to terms with over a long time. My divorce is final this coming Monday (April 1, no foolin'!  For me, the divorce itself has been anticlamatic. Most of the emotional and financial mess is behind me. In fact, my STBX and I are getting along better now then we have in years but it wasn't easy to get to this point. 

He's also an alcoholic and in AA. His drinking is what finally killed what already was a bad and toxic marriage. He has been on and off drinking for 3 years now and it destroyed all of our lives financially and emotionally. 

At this point I'm so relieved that our marriage is over. I opted for an uncontested divorce for many reasons but the main one was to just speed it up and get it over and done so I could move on with my life. But then again, there wasn't much TO contest in our marriage. No assets, all our debts (and they are all his) have been separate for years. There's no property, savings, etc. Basically you can't fight over what isn't there.

One of my kids is over 18 and the other lives with me so custody is not an issue. My STBX (supposedly) has no money so I opted not to make support an issue at this time. I just want him to stay sober at this point so he can be positive force for our 15 year old son. I've allowed myself to let a LOT go for now in the hopes that it will give my husband time to stabilize his life.

I have friends with shared businesses, homes, young children, alimony/child support issues, lawyers involved, etc..and they are going on YEARS in their ongoing divorce proceedings. It can be a real bloody and emotional mess if you have younger children, unstable parents, adultery and a lot of community property, shared assets/debts and then you get the lawyers involved. 

If you are like me and you are doing it yourself (no lawyers) and it's basically just signing on the dotted line it'll be pretty easy but if it's going to be a long, drawn out and emotional and financial battle with a ton of stress and conflict you might want to let things be for awhile and give yourself time to be able to deal with it emotionally and mentally. It sounds like you need to work on yourself at the time so you can proceed in a clear headed and rational way. 

Many people were surprised at why I didn't file when we first separated in December, 2010. My answer is an easy one: It was because I was an emotional and mental wreck. It was all I could do to pick up the pieces of me and my children's shattered lives and find a new place to live, get settled financially and come to terms with the state of my marriage and my emotions regarding my relationship with my husband. 

It took over 2 years for me to figure out what I wanted and needed so by the time I DID file and my still drunk husband started his usual bullying and controlling tactics I was able to deal with it all in an effective and rational manner. I knew what he'd be like if/when I filed so it was a wise choice to wait because had I done it immediately during separation I have no doubt I would've fallen completely apart in the face of his verbal and emotional abuse. 

Instead I held it together and was able to ignore and deal with his crap. I cut him off completely from my life and my children. He spent last Christmas alone and finally, he realized just what he'd become...a drunk utterly alone with the no friends or family. 

I guess he "hit bottom" as they say when it comes to addicts. He enrolled in AA and sobered up and right now it's really helping him and he's much easier and more pleasant to deal with as a coparent and it's making it much easier for our son as well. I was able to be rational and logical with him because he was sober, cooperative and even remorseful so our divorce has gone forward very smoothly and quickly. 

So my advice to you is work on yourself. Sort through your drinking, your emotional problems, keep on with AA and therapy and approach the divorce with great caution. Take it slow and try and hold it together. You might be angry as hell at your wife and want to extract as much vengeance upon her as you can but you need to deny those impulses. You have 7 kids to look after and even if they are grown they will be feeling emotions about this and if you want to retain a healthy relationship with them in the future it's to your advantage to deal with your wife in as friendly and cordial a manner as possible. 

So lean on your AA support network and therapists and if you need to vent we at TAM are here too. This place has been VERY therapeutic and helpful for so many of us here. Consider us your sounding board and your support network. 

In the meantime the best of luck with your life. I will echo what others here have said and say that my decision to divorce was the BEST decision in my life. I feel free, happy, well adjusted and optimistic. I have met new friends and renewed old friendships and am having a blast. 

I agree that you will want to establish your own friends and life aside from your marital ones. It's really important that you do this so you can move forward emotionally and mentally. 

My STBXH is has found some really good friends/support from AA so I hope you can do the same. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and you will want to spare your children as much as possible from it so that should be your most IMPORTANT priority right now: to stay away from the bottle. 

Organizations like those found on Meetup.com, clubs, hobbies, volunteer work, church..whatever you can do to build yourself up and get out and about are good things. Do NOT try and date at all. That's the absolutel WORST thing you can do. Don't try and "fix" your problems with your marriage by replacing a failed relationship with another. That should and may come with time but it shouldn't become a goal or obsession. 

That's about it for my usual long winded advice. I wanted to weigh in because I think with 7 kids and your drinking and mental issues there's a LOT hanging in the balance here. You need to keep a tight grip on yourself and keep your head up and your spirits high. And please..stay sober.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Not quite over for me, but its been much better... I've gotten intouch with myself again and realized I don't need her to be happy... Infact I don't need her at all. She continues to destroy her life and now her infant's life. I dont feel the need to help her repair anything anymore..

I've dated alittle.. Haven't met anyone I'd like a LTR with yet, but I'm looking.. Basically having fun with myself right now.

I start my new job in a week and a half. I'll be surrounded by 20 to 30 young ladies from overseas working in america for the summer..I'll be working at a beach club for the extremely wealthy, so I'll have locals to interact with too. I've come out of my shell after many years and I've never looked better, never felt better and I'm looking forward to this summer. 

Young girls, lotsa parties, nude beach down the road, living on the club premises.....Its gonna be a great summer...


HI FREAK!!! Miss me??


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

geek down said:


> HI FREAK!!! Miss me??


:lol: :rofl: Of course I did! Back from the Land of the Banned, eh? 



geek down said:


> I start my new job in a week and a half. I'll be surrounded by 20 to 30 young ladies from overseas working in america for the summer..I'll be working at a beach club for the extremely wealthy, so I'll have locals to interact with too. I've come out of my shell after many years and I've never looked better, never felt better and I'm looking forward to this summer.
> 
> Young girls, lotsa parties, nude beach down the road, living on the club premises.....Its gonna be a great summer...


:smthumbup: That's a rough life you got going there dude. Try not to work too hard..


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :rofl: Of course I did! Back from the Land of the Banned, eh?


For now..yeah!

Wasn't the first time.. I'm sure it won't be the last either..


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

geek down said:


> For now..yeah!
> 
> Wasn't the first time.. I'm sure it won't be the last either..


That's what makes people like us interesting. If you are going to play..gotta pay. 

I think that's why so many of my posts are edited. I tend to revise them A LOT.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> That's what makes people like us interesting. If you are going to play..gotta pay.
> 
> I think that's why so many of my posts are edited. I tend to revise them A LOT.


Same for me hon...I see a grammar error and I have to fix it..then I want to add...then I need to fix...etc..etc..

Play hard, play rough and go home happy....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

geek down said:


> Same for me hon...I see a grammar error and I have to fix it..then I want to add...then I need to fix...etc..etc..
> 
> Play hard, play rough and go home happy....


Good posting is an acquired and dedicated art form.  :smthumbup:


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Good posting is an acquired and dedicated art form.  :smthumbup:


Yes...good posting...Great posting is when you wield a sledgehammer with you words..


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