# Depression after having a baby...need some encouragement!



## Randall.edgar (Mar 19, 2011)

Where to begin, ever since the birth of our son a little over a year ago my wife has had signs of depression. Within the last 4 months it has become really bad. More for me and her, not for our son. She had tried to tell me that she wants professional help and I was not the most supportive. I feel that I have ruined our marriage because of that and because I have realized that now that some of her depression is caused from me. I am at a point now that I do not know where to go from here. Me and my wife have had heart to heart talks over the past few days and I have come to terms with my role in her depression and am making every effort to correct my behaviors for her. She still tells me that she doubts that we can get through this and that she does not feel any hope in saving the relationship. I guess I am looking for some confidence and words of encouragement. I have no doubts that I can be a better husband and be the way I used to be for her, but she feels the opposite in her self for me. I don't have anyone else to turn to because no body I know has gone through something like this. If there is anyone out there that has been through something like this and survived I would really like to talk with them. I have a problem in expressing my feelings and closing up when she wanted to talk about the depression and many other things. There have been times I stayed home to watch the kido and she goes out for girl night or whatever. It kills me to think back that she asked me to go too and we could of had a baby sitter so I could go. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving her a little freedom or break from the mother/wife role that I thought was the cause of her depression. It kills me to know that I was doing the wrong thing and now things are worse and are becoming more hopeless. I have hope and faith that we can reconnect and that she will come out of this depression. It is hard to hear her say the opposite and that a separation may be in our future. I want so badly for her to fight and hope for things to get better as much as I am.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm sorry you both are going through this. I don't know if you were the actual cause of her depression or not, but maybe your actions didn't help matters. 

If its something like post partum depression, then that is more likely related to hormonal issues after childbirth. however, lack of support from a loved one doesn't help things either. I think its really good though, that you are seeing this and admitting to being part of the problem possibly. 

Her saying she doesn't think the marriage can be saved and her feeling kind of hopeless, sounds like that might be part of the depression talking, but not sure on that. 

Its probably in her best interest to seek some kind of help, she needs to talk with her doctor too, to see if its a post partum thing.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Randall.edgar said:


> Where to begin, ever since the birth of our son a little over a year ago my wife has had signs of depression. Within the last 4 months it has become really bad. More for me and her, not for our son. She had tried to tell me that she wants professional help and I was not the most supportive. I feel that I have ruined our marriage because of that and because I have realized that now that some of her depression is caused from me. I am at a point now that I do not know where to go from here. Me and my wife have had heart to heart talks over the past few days and I have come to terms with my role in her depression and am making every effort to correct my behaviors for her. She still tells me that she doubts that we can get through this and that she does not feel any hope in saving the relationship. I guess I am looking for some confidence and words of encouragement. I have no doubts that I can be a better husband and be the way I used to be for her, but she feels the opposite in her self for me. I don't have anyone else to turn to because no body I know has gone through something like this. If there is anyone out there that has been through something like this and survived I would really like to talk with them. I have a problem in expressing my feelings and closing up when she wanted to talk about the depression and many other things. There have been times I stayed home to watch the kido and she goes out for girl night or whatever. It kills me to think back that she asked me to go too and we could of had a baby sitter so I could go. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving her a little freedom or break from the mother/wife role that I thought was the cause of her depression. It kills me to know that I was doing the wrong thing and now things are worse and are becoming more hopeless. I have hope and faith that we can reconnect and that she will come out of this depression. It is hard to hear her say the opposite and that a separation may be in our future. I want so badly for her to fight and hope for things to get better as much as I am.


I suffered_ badly _ from postpartum depression and I made the huge mistake of not seeking professional help. I was a mess for a couple of years and my husband did EVERYTHING he could think of to make me happy. In the end, though, it made no difference what he did, the depression wasn't his fault and it wasn't his fault he couldn't help me. 

You need to find a good therapist together and have her start talking to someone about what's going on. It's nearly impossible to see a way out when you're living in depression everyday and you can't make her see it, she has to see it for herself, with professional help. There could be so many things causing the depression, don't put it on yourself to take responsibility for making her happy again. Yes, you need to be encouraging, supportive and loving, but *you cannot be her doctor or therapist and fix this for her.* 

For years, I expected my husband to make me happy again and only when I finally took responsibility for my own happiness did I start seeing an end in sight._ This may not your wife's situation at all_, but it was mine, so I thought I would mention it. 

You have not ruined your marriage in any way. Definitely get a therapist and medical doctor on board and let her know you're with her every step of the way and you will never leave her. Remind her of the vows you made on your wedding day. I've been there and I can tell you having a supportive husband and good therapist makes all the difference in the world


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## Randall.edgar (Mar 19, 2011)

Thanks for all that. It means so much to hear encouragement right now. Me and my wife do have an appointment to see a counselor/phycologist within the next few days. She wants to meet with them first just for herself and then have me start going with her. She also wants to move out for a couple days or weeks I am not sure for how long. I dont want her to move out at all. I am trying to do things that I have neglected to do, like date nights and stuff, but she tells me she is not interested in those things right now. She says she wants time to herself and to reconnect with herself first and then we can work on each other. I am so afraid that once she leaves she will stay gone. Its only a few days until she sees the therapist for the first time and I hope I can convince her to stay till then.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Port partem is a medical condition. It's addressed with medical care (unless you're Tom Cruise)


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Randall.edgar said:


> Thanks for all that. It means so much to hear encouragement right now. Me and my wife do have an appointment to see a counselor/phycologist within the next few days. She wants to meet with them first just for herself and then have me start going with her. She also wants to move out for a couple days or weeks I am not sure for how long. I dont want her to move out at all. I am trying to do things that I have neglected to do, like date nights and stuff, but she tells me she is not interested in those things right now. She says she wants time to herself and to reconnect with herself first and then we can work on each other. I am so afraid that once she leaves she will stay gone. Its only a few days until she sees the therapist for the first time and I hope I can convince her to stay till then.


You mentioned getting a counselor involved, but *definitely get a medical doctor involved as well*. I suspect that since it's been awhile since she had the baby, it's more likely caused by problems adjusting to life with a child. BUT I am not a medical professional so you need to make sure you cover all your bases. I hope things take a turn for the better for you, please let us know how the first counseling session goes.


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