# Church,Children & Infidelity



## SWEETIEPIE3

Hi all this is my 1st time but i need advice.My husband & have been married for 10+yrsand we have 3kids togehter Like others it was rough. Breakup up get back together,etc. My husband was my 1st.Before my 1st&while dating he got someone else pregnant and I didn't find out truth til 5years later after we were married.Heard rumors of it. While dating he cheated and fought me.Came to see me probably 3 times while dating and was very jealous. He sold drugs and didnt support me and the kids at all.After getting engaged he things still didnt change. One day we had a big fight bc i askd for diaper money and he said no. We fought and i left his house. A guy I knew from around the way was at my parents' when i got there.I was crying and he comforted me.afew days later i went out with him,his sis saw me and she told her brother. This was 14yrs ago and since then we've broken up bc he's cheated too. For years he's asked me if i had sex with anyone other than him and for awhile i told him no bc i was scared he would fight me& to protect his feelings(dumb right).as years went by and the torture kept gettin worse i said yes but i didnt get into detail.so he asked about it yesterday and i told him yes ive been with another man other than him and it was after i put him out for cheating on me.he really expected me to keep my legs closed while he did wrong.(i tried too tho) he always assumed i slept with every guy i dated& i havent. he aksd for the truth and now he cant take it.ive only been with afew men in my life.3 including him. i was born and raised in church and i take our kids to church every sunday and bible study and he sits home.its hard but i maintain with Gods help. now hes not talkn and acts like i owe him something. it happens years ago and the men ive been with he doesnt even know.but yet he tries to make me look like im the bad person when im not. what should i do


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## RoninJedi

Get into counseling yesterday - both marital and individual. Both of you have done stupid things and now they're coming home to roost. Frankly it seems like neither of you have the slightest clue what marriage is about, and you need to get into counseling with a good *christian* counselor who can help you learn - and to work on your individual issues, of which I gather there are plenty.

And to answer your poll with an answer that isn't an option - if he won't go to counseling, then go yourself.

Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. Sometimes one spouse has to carry the weight of the entire marriage on their shoulders. 

Is that fair? Absolutely not! But show me a place in Scripture that says life or marriage is fair.

Exactly.


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## SWEETIEPIE3

RoninJedi said:


> Get into counseling yesterday - both marital and individual. Both of you have done stupid things and now they're coming home to roost. Frankly it seems like neither of you have the slightest clue what marriage is about, and you need to get into counseling with a good *christian* counselor who can help you learn - and to work on your individual issues, of which I gather there are plenty.
> 
> And to answer your poll with an answer that isn't an option - if he won't go to counseling, then go yourself.
> 
> Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. Sometimes one spouse has to carry the weight of the entire marriage on their shoulders.
> 
> Is that fair? Absolutely not! But show me a place in Scripture that says life or marriage is fair.
> 
> Exactly.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SWEETIEPIE3

Hi and thanks for responding.I feel that i kno wat marriage is abt but my husband doesnt. Yes i agree we both hav done stupid things. But im the mature one. Im the one keeping the marriage going.i tak kids to church on Sundays&Wednesdays,choir rehearsal,help them with their homework. I feel i carry the whole load.he refuses to go to counseling.i kno it'll help bc it will allow us both to be better parents n spouses.i no longer wana impede him from being the man he wants n needs to be.but he has to get pass my past.i dont hav much of a past but i feel he dwells on it bc i kno most of his dirt n i didnt even ask for it. wat i did i did discreetly bc he cheated n i respected him.my pastor is willing to counsel us but hubbys not speaking to me rite now.So I pray he gets over it& agrees to go to counseling.but i feel lik im ready to throw towel in the ring after so much tortute abt my past lik Im the worst person ever n lik he hasnt puttin me thru anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoninJedi

SWEETIEPIE3 said:


> Hi and thanks for responding.I feel that i kno wat marriage is abt but my husband doesnt. Yes i agree we both hav done stupid things. But im the mature one. Im the one keeping the marriage going.i tak kids to church on Sundays&Wednesdays,choir rehearsal,help them with their homework. I feel i carry the whole load.he refuses to go to counseling.i kno it'll help bc it will allow us both to be better parents n spouses.i no longer wana impede him from being the man he wants n needs to be.but he has to get pass my past.i dont hav much of a past but i feel he dwells on it bc i kno most of his dirt n i didnt even ask for it. wat i did i did discreetly bc he cheated n i respected him.my pastor is willing to counsel us but hubbys not speaking to me rite now.So I pray he gets over it& agrees to go to counseling.but i feel lik im ready to throw towel in the ring after so much tortute abt my past lik Im the worst person ever n lik he hasnt puttin me thru anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please forgive me, but read through your post carefully. Do you see what I see?

"I feel I know what marriage is about but my husband doesn't." "I'm the mature one." "I don't have much of a past but I feel he dwells on it because I know most of his dirt and I didn't even ask for it." "What I did I did discreetly because he cheated and I respected him." "...like he hasn't put me through anything."

Now to your credit, you said you agree you've both done stupid things. But look at the parts I quoted. Whether you intend to or not, or even like it or not, all you're doing is pointing fingers.

Especially the "I did what I did discreetly" bit - if I'm understanding that correctly - then...just...wow. If I get the meaning of that right then you're justifying the fact that you cheated...and I fail to see how respect fits into this picture at all.

Like I said, marriage is 100/100. That means you have to go all the way over to where he is and meet him there if it's necessary (which it seems in this case that it is), and vice versa. 

You said counseling would "allow us both to be better parents and spouses." You are absolutely correct. But unfortunately you can't change your husband. Only he can do that. So if he won't go, then get up and go by yourself and work on yourself - the one part of this equation that you *can* change.

Instead of praying that your husband will get over it and go to counseling, I would suggest praying that God would help you *both* get over it, that He would show *you* how to help your husband get over it, and that He would work in *both* your hearts to begin shaping you into the man and woman of God you are called to be.

And as far as being ready to "throw the towel in the ring"...not an option. "Til death do us part" is *not* just some fancy phrase someone came up with to add artificial weight to a big overblown expensive ceremony for two people who are just going to go home and get naked. It is the most integral part of a *commitment* and a *covenant* between a man, a woman, and God. And it is *nothing less* than that.

Of course getting your marriage back on course is going to be hard. Anything worth doing always is. But "love" is a verb, an action, *not* an emotion. 

And furthermore, let me remind that it's called "Holy Matrimony", not "Happy Matrimony".

You've got a long road ahead of you, but you can make it to the end.


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