# why is my husband mad if I yell



## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

I had a hard day taking care of my 2 little kids and cleaning the house. my husband walked in and I yelled out of frustration. " I can't I need help" . My husband answered me to keep cool. I yelled back "don't tell me that" He says its wrong to yell. I said its not wrong if I don't yell anything against you or insult you in anyway. and he says yelling is wrong you make the whole atmosphere in the house stressed. and I said instead of telling me to stay calm he should step in and help me. and he said I shouldn't yell just say calm and nice that I need help. I claimed its nothing wrong to yell it depends what you yell and he cant control my emotions so much an should let me breath. it escalated in a whole argument and he left the house. (not the first time we have this type of argument. he cant seem to handle me to be ever nervouse. he always wants me to be cool and relaxed. and I disagree with him. he isn't either always calm. what do you think? is it wrong to yell? what should I do about it?
(just a side point- he never helps at home even if I would ask nice but at this point I don't expect him to. I just vented my frustration and he took it wrong I think)
I wasn't really yelling loudly. sort of talking to myself in a frustrated tone of voice that he calls yelling.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

When you yell at someone you are transferring your frustration to them.

A far better way to handle your frustration would be to do some breathing exercises to calm yourself and then ask in a calm way for some help from your husband.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

It is disrespectful. He walks in the door and is greeted by yelling. That sounds like a wonderful welcome home. I get that you're stressed, but honestly not his fault. He just got home. If you asked nicely for help and didn't get any I could see getting to the point of yelling.

Look at it from his view point. You've been at work all day. You come home and the first thing that happens is he yells at you. He's probably thinking what the hell did I do to deserve this? It's not my fault I have to go to work.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Just read your side note. Sorry I missed that the first time. 

Well then in that case he's just a d!ck. But still yelling isn't going to help.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I am not a yeller. It demonstrates lack of control. I never yelled at my daughter unless there was danger. I have raised my voice a tad to be heard but it is, by no means, yelling. I am in control of my actions regardless of how I feel.

I personally, would not engage in any discussion whatsoever if I were to be yelled at and would walk away. I won't dignify that type of response by reacting to it at all.

Yelling is verging on a temper tantrum and a sign of weakness of character. You won't be taken seriously by your husband and will only be viewed as an overly emotional female and therefore will be treated dismissively. Which it seems you have.

If he works out of the home, shouldn't everything be done except dinner when he gets home except cleaning up after dinner and bathing/putting kids to bed?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He took it as yelling at him. When you yelled I can't I need help, he knows youre talking to the kids, he thinks it is he that is the target.

He probably is working all day waiting to get off to see his family destress and enjoy his family. When he gets home and walks thru the door he hears you yelling this and he thinks its directed at him.

I'm not saying you should just shut up, I'm just trying tell you what may be his point of view. I will say this though a SAHM has to be the roughest job on this planet. And a side note to my mom, I'm sorry for all of the sh1t I gave you growing up. Both literal and figurative.
I hope things get better for you, because I know you are under a lot of stress, and he could help you, but you need to let him know what and when, because us men cannot read minds like women can.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wow I would be super stoked to come home to this. I would have walked right back out the first time. sounds like he at least tried to keep you calm. 

Where did you learn that yelling, at a person you supposedly love by the way, is an effective form of communication?

It would be more understandable , but not ok, if you were both arguing or something but the man walks in the door and yelled at......


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I am not a yeller. It demonstrates lack of control. I never yelled at my daughter unless there was danger. I have raised my voice a tad to be heard but it is, by no means, yelling. I am in control of my actions regardless of how I feel.
> 
> *I personally, would not engage in any discussion whatsoever if I were to be yelled at and would walk away. I won't dignify that type of response by reacting to it at all.*
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm not normally a yeller, but sometimes I do lose it--it's rare, but it happens. And when it happiness, I appreciate my husband recognizing that I've been pushed past my limit and not reacting like I'm poison. 

I don't like it when I have to button down my emotions. I did it for years, and ended up with buckets of resentment. 

No one likes to get yelled as a means of regular communication. If you lose your temper and yell, you should apologize later. But I do think there is room for a spouse to recognize when their partner is having a "moment" and not behave in a way that makes it so much worse that it has to be.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's not necessarily "wrong" to yell because it can be a normal human thing that unfortunately becomes a habit. 

There are better ways to deal with frustration than yelling. Yelling creates a negative atmosphere in your home and in your life. Yelling doesn't really vent, it perpetuates and gathers, more of itself. 

If you yell, you will attract more yelling. 
Try not to yell.

Who cares if it's right or wrong. You can't undo the past.

His not helping at home is his thing. You deciding how to influence your immediate atmosphere is your thing. 

Of course, I think anyone who lives in a home and doesn't help out is delusional and idiotic. Like he could get frustrated at your work but you can never get frustrated because you are at home 24*7 and that's a place he wants to have calm and cool all the time. Sigh. Not gonna happen. It can be the usual case, but not a 24*7 case. Not even in a monastery does that happen.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Dafny said:


> I had a hard day taking care of my 2 little kids and cleaning the house. my husband walked in and I yelled out of frustration. " I can't I need help" . My husband answered me to keep cool. I yelled back "don't tell me that" He says its wrong to yell. I said its not wrong if I don't yell anything against you or insult you in anyway. and he says yelling is wrong you make the whole atmosphere in the house stressed. and I said instead of telling me to stay calm he should step in and help me. and he said I shouldn't yell just say calm and nice that I need help. I claimed its nothing wrong to yell it depends what you yell and he cant control my emotions so much an should let me breath. it escalated in a whole argument and he left the house. (not the first time we have this type of argument. he cant seem to handle me to be ever nervouse. he always wants me to be cool and relaxed. and I disagree with him. he isn't either always calm. what do you think? is it wrong to yell? what should I do about it?
> (just a side point- he never helps at home even if I would ask nice but at this point I don't expect him to. I just vented my frustration and he took it wrong I think)
> I wasn't really yelling loudly. sort of talking to myself in a frustrated tone of voice that he calls yelling.


I can't say I am one of those people who never yells..I am not that perfect....I've had my moments... but I also know this doesn't serve much...

And when a man is going out every day working/ providing for his family....at least I know my husband was happy to come home, he was in a good mood...and sometimes I RUINED IT ...with my attitude (this was mostly in the yrs when I couldn't conceive, not his fault -yet I had my moments)..this doesn't have to be yelling....but just having a pi$$y demeanor....it was never over housework though...even when we had 4 kids age 6 & under, I was on top of it...

It could be that you feel loved through "*Acts of Service*" *>> *his helping you around the house a little more could fulfill this in you...just a thought...have you ever read the Love Languages book....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


One thing I have learned...and really it goes both ways...our attitudes (whether yelling, or even an obvious silent treatment purposely ignoring each other)...it takes so much ENERGY...and emotion....and it's ugly...counterproductive... just ends up Pi$$ing the other person off anyway...so now they want to lash back -and the emotional divide grows even bigger...

There are more effective ways to communicate....being heard and understood is very important.. but how we bring this about MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD...it can make or Break a couple... 

I would never suggest to sweep your frustration under the rug - -as it will only rear it's ugly head later down the road in some other behavior...possible resentment also.....but to dig deep and learn what you really want / need and desire from your husband ..what is fueling the anger....it's roots...(sometimes this is not so obvious even)....and on his end..what he wants/ needs and desires from you..as well....so you can meet each other half way....leaning on a new dynamic which will be mutually satisfying...


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Wait...was your husband just coming home from work? Yikes.

I am/was a yeller. I grew up in a yelling family. I would usually yell when I get overstressed by the din in the house. I don't usually yell when fighting though. Sometimes, it is a habit.

My ex grew up in a silent, repressed household. Everything negative was swept under the rug.

We clashed big time. I am very direct and he was very passive aggressive. In IC, my therapist thought that I may have continued to yell or escalate because he wasn't responding. I was trying to get through. I think there is some truth to that.

Since we broke up, I don't yell*. Go figure. 



* except at the dogs...esp. the tippy tappy one.


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## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Fenix said:


> Wait...was your husband just coming home from work? Yikes.
> 
> I am/was a yeller. I grew up in a yelling family. I would usually yell when I get overstressed by the din in the house. I don't usually yell when fighting though. Sometimes, it is a habit.
> 
> ...


I have the same dynamic in my marriage. My husband grew up in a repressed WASP family while I came from a very loud family. 

My husband taught me that shouting is not necessary and he will not tolerate it. I shout if I have tried speaking nicely to my husband to no avail. If I tell him that I am shouting for this reason, he is far more sympathetic than if I am just screaming for nothing.

I don't think shouting is wrong but it should be the last resort. I do believe that screaming at your spouse as soon as they come home is awful. OP, if your husband tells you to stay calm, he isn't trying to control you. Try not to make this issue a power struggle.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

The question you ought to ask is not if it is right or wrong to yell but if you do or do not want to push your husband away. You're yelling will push him away. Right or wrong you have to decide if yelling is worth this consequence.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

Please don't yell because you've had a hard / bad day.
My mom yelled at me and my dad every day. My dad is now deaf (really, as in he went to a doctor and got a hearing aid). I moved into a college dorm at age 17.
As a child of a "yeller" I can tell you that yelling is hurtful and drives your loved ones away.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

i think counseling is necessary here. You need to learn how to communicate without yelling and he needs to learn how to meet your needs at home. Communication stops when yelling begins. Also many men have no idea how exhausting it is to be a stay at home mom. You both have a lot to learn.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Yelling escalates things and is not constructive. My "wife" yells whenever she is mad at me, I used to yell back...it didn't get me anywhere so I eventually just tuned her yelling out. This is what happens, and if it happens, important things that are said can be missed.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

That's exactly what I am. An emotional women and Im not trying to change that. That's what women are meant to be.



EnjoliWoman said:


> I am not a yeller. It demonstrates lack of control. I never yelled at my daughter unless there was danger. I have raised my voice a tad to be heard but it is, by no means, yelling. I am in control of my actions regardless of how I feel.
> 
> I personally, would not engage in any discussion whatsoever if I were to be yelled at and would walk away. I won't dignify that type of response by reacting to it at all.
> 
> ...


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Dafny said:


> That's exactly what I am. An emotional women and Im not trying to change that. That's what women are meant to be.


Just curious what you think men are meant to be?


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

Its not like I yell all day. I wouldn't even consider it yelling. It was just the tone of voice that he calls yelling. wasn't loud at all.
and It was just one short sentence. I was just waiting for him to realize how hard Im working, and just say something like he feels bad that Im working so hard. Instead he told me to cool down.



damagedgoods1 said:


> Please don't yell because you've had a hard / bad day.
> My mom yelled at me and my dad every day. My dad is now deaf (really, as in he went to a doctor and got a hearing aid). I moved into a college dorm at age 17.
> As a child of a "yeller" I can tell you that yelling is hurtful and drives your loved ones away.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

they are not meant to help out because they don't know how to or hate doing it. But instead of telling the wife to be quiet and calm down they should answer something like they feel bad that I have to work so hard! They supposed to be a listening ear. That's their job.




VermisciousKnid said:


> Just curious what you think men are meant to be?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Dafny said:


> they are not meant to help out because they don't know how to or hate doing it. But instead of telling the wife to be quiet and calm down they should answer something like they feel bad that I have to work so hard! They supposed to be a listening ear. That's their job.


See, I'm a guy and I disagree with you about what men are 'meant to be' and what women are 'meant to be'. I don't doubt that your husband disagrees as well. You have preconceived notions about all of this and because your husband doesn't know (I guarantee that he doesn't read minds), you are bound to have friction.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Dafny said:


> they are not meant to help out because they don't know how to or hate doing it. But instead of telling the wife to be quiet and calm down they should answer something like they feel bad that I have to work so hard! They supposed to be a listening ear. That's their job.


A lot of men do some housework because it is their home, too, and things need to get done. They're perfectly capable of learning, and while everyone hates chores, again, things need to get done. You're selling men short if you think they are too dumb and lazy to do anything at home. 

As for yelling, he has already shown you that yelling doesn't make him listen and doesn't make him feel compassion for how hard you are working. Instead, it comes off as aggressive and disturbing to him. So, if you truly want him to listen and empathize with you, you have to understand that you will need to do something else instead of yelling. Clearly, yelling does not get you the result you are looking for.

I come from a family of yellers. Our culture and ethnicity is full of yellers. They sound like they're yelling even when having a normal conversation. It's positive in the sense that resentments don't build and grudges don't fester because it's all out in the open right away. However, that doesn't work with other people who weren't raised that way, and it offends a lot of people and makes them defensive. So, I had to learn to adapt to the way other people communicate if I wanted to have any relationships. 

Communication isn't just about expressing yourself. You need to be understood, and your H isn't hearing and understanding you when you yell. Try something else.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I am not a yeller. It demonstrates lack of control. I never yelled at my daughter unless there was danger. I have raised my voice a tad to be heard but it is, by no means, yelling. I am in control of my actions regardless of how I feel.
> 
> I personally, would not engage in any discussion whatsoever if I were to be yelled at and would walk away. I won't dignify that type of response by reacting to it at all.
> 
> ...


I didn't mention anything about if he came home from work or me working because that wasn't what our argument was even about. He agrees that I work very hard. I run a day care from 8:30 till 5:00 in my home. so I work full time and I am a stay at home mom too! He works also full time but that day he came home in middle of day for some reason. He doesn't even expect the house work to be done properly and supper to be cooked ontime. we buy if I didn't manage to cook. Its not the issue even. He knows he doesn't help and doesn't get upset when things don't get done. and He always tells me to hire cleaning help. The issue was just that I ALWAYS MUST BE IN A GOOD MOOD!


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

norajane said:


> A lot of men do some housework because it is their home, too, and things need to get done. They're perfectly capable of learning, and while everyone hates chores, again, things need to get done. You're selling men short if you think they are too dumb and lazy to do anything at home.
> 
> As for yelling, he has already shown you that yelling doesn't make him listen and doesn't make him feel compassion for how hard you are working. Instead, it comes off as aggressive and disturbing to him. So, if you truly want him to listen and empathize with you, you have to understand that you will need to do something else instead of yelling. Clearly, yelling does not get you the result you are looking for.
> 
> ...


I guess a lot of men do help.( and my husband pointed out to me that he does some stuff at home.) but he basicly doesn't help out much and he is not the type that ever will. He never helped out at home as a kid either. its not his strong point and I made peace with that fact a long time ago.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

VermisciousKnid said:


> See, I'm a guy and I disagree with you about what men are 'meant to be' and what women are 'meant to be'. I don't doubt that your husband disagrees as well. You have preconceived notions about all of this and because your husband doesn't know (I guarantee that he doesn't read minds), you are bound to have friction.


so what do you think a guy is meant to be like? 
and how is a women meant to be like. (lets see if my husband thinks so too?)


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

P51Geo1980 said:


> Yelling escalates things and is not constructive. My "wife" yells whenever she is mad at me, I used to yell back...it didn't get me anywhere so I eventually just tuned her yelling out. This is what happens, and if it happens, important things that are said can be missed.


the problem is that whenever I yell he thinks Im mad at him. When in reality he is the only person here so Im yelling to him. not at him. 
Its like if you get hurt you yell ouch or whatever it is you yell that you are hurt. you don't yell at the people next to you. you yell to them. a lot of times when no one is around you don't even yell that you got hurt... just an example. 
imagine telling someone to tell you nicely that he got hurt. it happens in the spur of a moment. the person yells ouch! nobody tells you niclely ouch I got hurt in a calm tone of voice. (besides for those who don't have a weekness of character I guess)


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Dafny said:


> so what do you think a guy is meant to be like?
> and how is a women meant to be like. (lets see if my husband thinks so too?)


There isn't any one right or wrong way to be. What works for one couple might not work for another. You and your husband have to discuss your expectations. He gets to discuss his as well. Then you have to figure out how everything is going to get done without one of you getting the short end if the stick. 

Both of you may have baggage from childhood about that. That doesn't mean it's right. If his father never helped out around the house, that could be his model. Doesn't make it right, but it could drive his expectations. 

Same with you. Mom yelled a lot and dad didn't help? Bad model in my opinion. 

Pick something that actually works and makes both of you happy.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

I actually don't yell a lot. But I do yell sometimes. and so does he. He claims his mother yells a lot. and when I was by his mothers house and once heard her yelling when she was under pressure. but couldn't understand what bothered him so much that she yelled. she just yelled that certain things had to get done. but she did everything herself. His father doesn't do a thing in the house. and My father does a ton in the house.




VermisciousKnid said:


> There isn't any one right or wrong way to be. What works for one couple might not work for another. You and your husband have to discuss your expectations. He gets to discuss his as well. Then you have to figure out how everything is going to get done without one of you getting the short end if the stick.
> 
> Both of you may have baggage from childhood about that. That doesn't mean it's right. If his father never helped out around the house, that could be his model. Doesn't make it right, but it could drive his expectations.
> 
> ...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The point still stands that yelling is a very negative thing. He thinks his mom yells a lot yet you don't. Apparently your tolerance for yelling is quite a bit higher than his and your yelling makes him shut down.

My advice still stands that you should take a deep breath or whatever you need to do to calmly say "I would really appreciate it if you would do [blank] because I'm up to my eyeballs with these kids right now."

I would not want someone watching my children who yells unless something is dangerous. I understand it is not all the time but you seem to stand firm that it's OK because it isn't all of the time and it should be OK for you to be emotional.

So maintain your stance on how justifiable yelling is all you want but know that your husband will start avoiding coming home if you yell. The more he delays, the less he is home to help you and the more you yell at him to help and fuss about his working too long and the more he avoids home. It will become a viscous cycle and you'll become a crazy screaming banshee he wants to avoid.

I didn't understand you worked from home therefore household duties should be split. But if you want anyone to do stuff for you, you get more with sugar than sh*t.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well you called it yelling, not us.

My advice also still stands. Do some breathing exercises to calm yourself before you talk to your husband.

I know that the last thing me or my husband want when we get home after a days work is to be confronted by anyone demanding things of us. We need time to unwind and decompress.


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## Tall (Feb 19, 2014)

If my woman yelled at me, she'd be out the door before she could draw another breath.

It is disrespectful.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

My wife used to yell at the drop of a Hat and I took it. 

Eventually I stopped taking "IT" but she was trained that I should just take it.

Over time it turned into two way emotional abuse that grew into objects being thrown etc.

She used to start and I used to just drag it out to an hour, I also would follow her and not let her escape. Even if I was not yelling I would try to win. Why because I got so tired of the BS she was flinging.

I decided I was done and threatened to leave about 10 years ago. she called me from work and begged and plead.

Now it is 4 more years late and I caught her about a year ago in an EA that has gone from bad to worse and back again.

She left me for POSOM and claimed she could not take the circle talk and all of my drains of her soul. 

I am on the brink of loosing my wife to a POS womanizer who pursues married woman because I never learned the proper way to handle her. All I would say is stop yelling, why do you yell so much and then boom big fight and now possible divorce.

Of course this is not why she had the affair but, she was running from me.

(We are in the process of trying to reconcile,,,)

The issue is I have learned STOP THE YELLING.

And one someone yells you should just put up a boundary and gently and calmly say: Don't Raise your Voice to me I don't deserve that. AND LEAVE THE ROOM until you or they calm down.

Just my 4 Cents.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Dafny said:


> the problem is that whenever I yell he thinks Im mad at him. When in reality he is the only person here so Im yelling to him. not at him.
> Its like if you get hurt you yell ouch or whatever it is you yell that you are hurt. you don't yell at the people next to you. you yell to them. a lot of times when no one is around you don't even yell that you got hurt... just an example.
> imagine telling someone to tell you nicely that he got hurt. it happens in the spur of a moment. the person yells ouch! nobody tells you niclely ouch I got hurt in a calm tone of voice. (besides for those who don't have a weekness of character I guess)


Sounds like you want people here to condone your bad behavior. My wife yells a lot as well (both at me and to me), it's one of her many personality traits that are deplorable and one of the many reasons she's my soon-to-be-ex-wife.

Your husband has a breaking point - EVERYONE does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Your yelling is going to cause him to shut down and emotionally check out. I can speak from experience. Your tone of voice is a form of non-verbal communication. It says a lot more than your words do. 

You better get a handle on it, or risk having a dead marriage.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

SteveK said:


> My wife used to yell at the drop of a Hat and I took it.
> 
> Eventually I stopped taking "IT" but she was trained that I should just take it.
> 
> ...


Where exactly did you get that I yell a lot. I don't yell a lot. But I yell sometimes like a human being. And he also yells just like me. I don't get frustrated or angry often but sometimes I can lose it. and I expect him to be understanding. the same way Im understanding to him.


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## Dafny (Mar 14, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Well you called it yelling, not us.
> 
> My advice also still stands. Do some breathing exercises to calm yourself before you talk to your husband.
> 
> I know that the last thing me or my husband want when we get home after a days work is to be confronted by anyone demanding things of us. We need time to unwind and decompress.


I called it yelling because he did. but I didn't actually yell. I explained it very clearly. He doesn't like it if im nervouse. and it doesn't happen often.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I am not a yeller. It demonstrates lack of control. I never yelled at my daughter unless there was danger. I have raised my voice a tad to be heard but it is, by no means, yelling. I am in control of my actions regardless of how I feel.
> 
> I personally, would not engage in any discussion whatsoever if I were to be yelled at and would walk away. I won't dignify that type of response by reacting to it at all.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 1000% Very well said!

I know people will say we are weird, but we never yell in our house, and we don't cuss either. We always try to show respect for each other's feelings. We also want to set a good example for our son to follow. That is just the way we are.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Raising little ones is difficult. Like herding cats sometimes.

However, how would you feel if your husband walked in the door venting his frustrations from work or traffic at you? Maybe once in while you might be patient and understanding, thinking he has had a really rotten day. But if this happened with any sort of regularity, you'd feel abused. You'd feel like his punching bag. You'd be resentful because he is taking his frustrations out on you!

You have to create and environment that is relaxing to both you and your husband when he comes home. BOTH of you need a relaxing moment! This means you need to shelve your frustration for a little while when he comes home.

Dial it back. You don't have to have a perfectly kept home. You don't have to have the toys picked up and the carpets vacuumed all the time. But keeping a home that is welcoming, inviting, and relaxing more often than not is a hell of a lot more important for your mental health and marriage than a spotless home.


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