# Need Someone To Offer Guidance



## USAAUSSIEMAN (Nov 11, 2009)

Hi All,

Where should I start.....Well I am 31 years old and am nearing the 3rd anniversary of my 2nd Marriage. We are a blended Family, I came into the relationship with three children now aged 6(girl), 8(boy) and 9(girl). My Wife had two children, now aged 12(girl) and 9(boy) and we recently had a baby together a boy aged 10 months. 

I have full custody of my children, and let me tell you, two years and 20K later I finally suceeded, with the help and support of my Wife, although it had it's strains on our Marriage, we kept going, but that is another story!

My 8yr old Son has aspergers syndrome(Autism) and has been quite a handful, and my two daughters have had their time too, but we have blended and bonded well. During the custody case my Wife would bend under the pressure and responsibility imposed on her and would say she doesn't love my children and doesn't want to be a step mom to them. I remained supportive and worked hard at keeping things positive, and when we decided to have a planned child together I really saw a change in her towards my children. She became more involved and at times did more parenting than me, but a I thought and saw this as a good thing, that we were coming together as a family and our new baby would help concercrate that.

However recently my Wife has started to display the discontent and unhappiness towards my kids, which shocked me as I had thought things had finally tirned around in the last year. Tonight she told me she can't do it anymore and was tired of "faking" being a step mom to my kids and that she regreted having a baby with me and sometimes feels like she could just die because she chose to marry me! I was floored and had no response. I am now through tears reaching out in this forum for guidance and a place to express my inner pain.

You see I am the kind of guy that buries it all in deep and perseveres and see's the positive side, but tonight I have no resolve. I Love my wife dearly and have accepted her children from the beginning and have a wonderful relationship with them as their Bio Dad never calls or see's them at all, so I have bonded and taken that role, as father to all my children whom I treat equally.

My Wife is very stubborn and spoilt in some ways, but is a pillar of strength to me. I love her and all the children, and realize I can't make her love my kids, so I am in a real pickle here and am exhausted and feel I have ran out of gas and options.

I will stop with the novel now and see if anybody wants to give me their 2 cents worth....

Regards,


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

USAAUSSIEMAN said:


> During the custody case my Wife would bend under the pressure and responsibility imposed on her and would say she doesn't love my children and doesn't want to be a step mom to them. I remained supportive and worked hard at keeping things positive, and when we decided to have a planned child together I really saw a change in her towards my children. She became more involved and at times did more parenting than me, but a I thought and saw this as a good thing, that we were coming together as a family and our new baby would help concercrate that.
> 
> However recently my Wife has started to display the discontent and unhappiness towards my kids, which shocked me as I had thought things had finally tirned around in the last year. Tonight she told me she can't do it anymore and was tired of "faking" being a step mom to my kids and that she regreted having a baby with me and sometimes feels like she could just die because she chose to marry me!
> Regards,



OH MY !!!
She told you she did not want to be their step mom long ago. 
You decided the best thing to do was cement things and have another baby ( bad idea in my eyes).
Things got better briefly and now she is back to her original feelings.
Seems you did not listen to her.......... and she tried to please you in accepting your kids, but she can't.......
for whatever reason.
She is very unhappy with the whole situation according to what you wrote, because she married you and got into this situation.

OK now.... I think you need to start to listen to your wife and her feelings. She may divorce you if something does not change. Apparently she feels what she feels and resentment has already come into play.
YOU CANNOT MAKE SOMEONE LOVE SOMEONE !!!

and all the postive thinking in the world, cannot change someone or make them love someone and want to be their step mom


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

USAAUSSIEMAN said:


> My 8yr old Son has aspergers syndrome(Autism) and has been quite a handful, ,


An idea... maybe hire some domestic help in the way of a nurse or personal attendent to sit with your son in the evening when he is not at school to help her out.
This could maybe take some pressure off her.

Sitters and personal attendent may also be covered on your insurance, or they may at least pay a part of it and it too, may be a tax write off on your income taxes.
They are also not skilled and otherwise expensive...
You have to do something and that may be a start.


In my situation, when I met my husbands kids, my feelings were they were spoiled brats. I would not have married him if he had custody. My husband was very offended over my feelings about them, but over the last few years, I have been proved "correct" in my assessment of them and now Husband sees it too....
The gifts and items they were given have gotten more expensive too and their sense of entitlement has gotten bigger, they are basically monster brats.
The funny thing in all this is now that one of the monster brats is 20, and she is going out in the real world, she is having so many problems, for instance being insulted at the kinds of jobs she is being offered. She applied to be a bank teller ( no experience) and was offered a job cleaning the tiolets.
It's very comical, to see her anquish in facing the real world, but I guess the bigger they are, the harder they fall.


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## USAAUSSIEMAN (Nov 11, 2009)

Preso, although I truly appreciate your reply and advice, I somewhat feel your approaching from a one sided self experience(please don't take that to offence) Let me fill in some more gaps in my 3 years or Marriage and 18 month prior to marriage relationship with my wife, which I tried to squeeze into a few paragraphs earlier.

Firstly my Wife LOVES me, just not my children, and it is not because they are brats, they are normal children placed in an abnormal situation from my previous mistake of a first marriage, divorce & custody and then they were dragged through a horrible custody battle for 2 years, to which my Wife supported and worked hard alongside me to get full custody, and she too was in the same situation. I have adapted and made the effort to create a blended family from the beginning. My belief in Marriage is that everything takes two people to work at something and when your given the impression that things are fine and dandy you go with it not against it, and in marriage you will endure many heartaches and agonies, but what makes a strong marriage is your ability to bounce back and NOT give up in trials.

We are very much in love and mutually wanted to have another child, we both work professional jobs and pay my Wifes mother to take care of our baby, and our work allows us to have always been home for our kids and not have to put them in daycare. I am a VERY involved and supportive father/husband and equally spend more time than the average Dad spends with his children, family and Wife.

I am sorry to hear that your decision to marry your husband would have hinged on the fact of him either having his kids or not. We are all adults have made our beds and have to sleep in it, and if you want something bad enough you will adjust and work through it, providing you have the strengh and the support of course, I have both, but I cannot carry the weight of maintaining her weaknesses as well as my own, and belive me I have sacrificed and made very hard decisions to please and appease her needs. Your right I can't make her do anything, and I am not trying to, but it comes down to her needing to deal with her inner feelings and make a decision on what she feels is important to her. The best I can do is remain positive, supportive and continue to love the Children and My Wife, that is my JOB that I willingly took on and intend to see through, even in hard times. So thank you for yur input, but I do open the forum to more input weather it be constructive critisism or not, as this is good for me to hear.

Regards


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

USAAUSSIEMAN said:


> I cannot carry the weight of maintaining her weaknesses as well as my own
> Regards


From what you wrote, she told you her feelings about the situation and you optimistically helped her overlook her feelings, which are coming back.
As I read it from what you wrote, your not listening to her feelings, which she is making apparent.
You still must do something to relieve her stress, and I feel getting paid help to help with the 8 year old, will help her cope better, although may not change her feelings.


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## USAAUSSIEMAN (Nov 11, 2009)

Preso, 
I realize it is hard to understand the full extent of our situation from a few posts. Their is no ISSUE with our eight year old, he is in special education classes and recieves the extra care he needs. My Wife works, and so do I, and an equal allotment of the time I am the parent at home caring for all the children, as we evenly share the load, so there would be no need for paid care as I am home, and my Wife typically only has the children by herself for about 45 minutes.

I do listen to her, part of the reason she fell in love with me as I was listening and being there for her in dark times she was having prior to us entering a relationship and eventually marrying. Like I said I am a very involved Husband and Father, I am not your average, "hang out" with my guy friends man, or "Sports watching, beer drinking guy, no offence to the men out there like that, basically I am not a Man's "Man". I am a family oriented man, thanks to being raised by a single Mum, and dedicated to my family and their needs, which includes my Wife! My Wife is my best and ONLY friend, I always tell her she is my cool guy friend with long hair..haha. Thanks again for your responses, I do appreciate them.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

My point is not about your friendship, its how to relieve some of the stress by reassigning some of the tasks involved with the kids.

You have to do something and taking some stress off the relationship would be a good start. If your unable to come up with any workable plans how to take some stress of your daily lives and her, you are going to have to go to a professional to come up with ways you can.
Releiving some stress on her sounds like it could help very much in this situation. I had a friend who was in a similair situation and hired a "nanny". It worked out very well.
Who you assign the nanny to, the baby or the 8 year old is something to consider. Paid help in this field, does not cost much as its not skilled work and a tax write off, (child care expenses)
You can maybe think of other ways to take some stress off, perhaps housekeeping help rather than sitting or nanny services.
You asked for suggestions,
I am giving you some. Mine revolve around taking stress off your wife. You may be handling things well, but apparently, she's not.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

It could be that she has some form of post partum depression,and is feeling overwhelemed by the stress of adjusting to the new baby, new routines, etc. How often is she able to get away and do something for just herself?Woudl she be willing to talk to her doctor and have him evaluate her for PPD? Make sure she has time to go to the gym, or to go for a walk or whatever she may be interested in, at least once a week. If she says she does not need it, remind her that she DESERVES it. 
Dealing with a child with Aspergers can be very challenging, and it sounds like he has been thru a lot, and for a while, his world was probably not as structured as he needed it to be. Children with Autism Sprectrum Disorders really need the structure and the discipline. Given the upheavel of divorce, remarriage, and learning how to all co-exist pecaefully, its not surprising that he may be having a hard time, as is likely ALL of the children have had. Does your 8 year old recieve any type of therapy? If not, it might be a good idea to look into that...it may go a LONG way in not only helping him, but also in helping both you AND your wife to learn strategies to deal with him when he is being difficult. There are also great online resources to help you guys learn how to deal with his needs best, and in turn, i'm betting it would be beneficial to the family as a whole, because when one child has exceptional needs, they are often the one that gets the most attention (naturally) and the others may be feeling a bit left out, especailly with the birth of the newest one. I don't know that I would suggest bringing a nanny into the situation at this point. Your son has already had a lot to adjust to, and the addition of yet ANOTHER new person, could cause him to regress in some aspects.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

With that many kids and the problems of the 8 year old, all measures to decrease the mothers stress would be helpful.

Domestic help would certainly do that. Maybe not the key for perpetual happiness, but a darn good start.
A infant alone is enough to stress out most mothers, let alone all the other child related problems.


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## sionarah (Nov 16, 2009)

I agree with mommybean, it truly sounds like post partum depression and is very difficult to deal with without support. This might help some.

[url=http://familydoctor.org/online/famdocen/home/women/pregnancy/ppd/general/379.html]Postpartum Depression and the Baby Blues -- familydoctor.org[/URL]


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