# Relationship between girlfriend and her ex



## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

It's been over two years since I've visited this site. This site was very helpful while being separated and going through my divorce. Fast forward to now. I've been officially divorced for almost two years. While separated, I started talking to a girl that contacted me on Facebook basically because she liked my picture. We learned a lot about each other over e-mail and got together a few times. We were friends for about year before we actually started dating. She didn't want to get involved until my divorce was final. 

I have two kids from my marriage. She has one with her ex-fiance. In both cases, our exes wanted out of the relationship because they had "side relationships" going on. We have now been dating for almost a year-and-a-half. Things are good. She has opened my eyes to living life. I look at my marriage and I feel I was living a sheltered life compared to what I'm doing now. It feels great. We have our discussions and an occasional argument but I feel they are healthy. In my marriage, things got bottled up and we wouldn't talk. I think that's part of what led to the split.

Now for the main point: My ex and I have a good working relationship when it comes to the kids. We share custody and are cordial to each other. I don't talk to her much on a personal level but I'm comfortable interacting with her. She is still with the guy from the side relationship. She has never brought him around me but she has met my girlfriend.

My girlfriend and her ex have a different relationship. And I want to know if I'm wrong for feeling like it's too close of a relationship. They chat often. It's usually about their daughter but they do share personal stories with each other...sometimes things that I don't know about her. Last Christmas, I was with her family and her ex had dropped off gifts for everyone. Her mom almost made it a show to make it known that "Ex" had brought gifts. It made me feel small. 

Occasionally when my girlfriend has to go to work early, her ex will come over to her place and watch TV until their daughter wakes up so he can take her with him (as opposed to taking her the night before). She pretty much has full custody but he takes their daughter when she works. He brings her coffee sometimes.

I feel like her family is still more connected to him than me. The ex takes my girlfriend's brother places sometimes. He's in the media and has access to things I never would. 

On Thanksgiving, they do a walk together with their daughter. Last year was supposed to be the last year they did it together. This year, she asked me to do it but said he would be going too. I respectfully declined telling her that's their tradition. 

Last night, I went trick-or-treating with my kids and their mom. She went with her daughter and her ex. I called her to see what time she wanted to get together (her ex was taking their daughter with him afterwards). She said she was going to her brother's. Her ex was going along. So she told me to come to her house later. I said I could meet her anywhere (thinking she would invite me to her brother's) but she just said to go to her house later.

This weekend is her daughter's birthday party. She invited me and my kids along and her ex will be there. I'm comfortable going. 

These are just some examples. My girlfriend and her ex seem to be very "chummy" together. They also talk about their relationships with each other. He just broke up with his girlfriend. 

I have no reason to believe anything physical is going on. Since she and I both went through the same thing when we split up with our exes, I feel that she feels the same was as I do about infidelity. Should I be worried about how much they interact though or am I just being the jealous boyfriend?


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

they are far too close for "ex's"

why would her family still welcome him when he left their daughter for another woman? :scratchhead:

this seems very odd, are you sure you are being told the whole story?

he watches tv at her house? he hangs out with her and her family? this is not normal "ex" behaviour,

does she want him back? because it sure does seem like it


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This would bug me, too. I'm not a man, but I am sure other men on TAM will tell you that as a man, they'd be annoyed. I know that if I was dating a guy who was all "chummy" with his ex like this, it would annoy me. In fact, I have dated that guy and notice I said "dated," meaning the past tense. No way, Jose.

It seems she has you for the relationship and him meeting some of her needs, too. Him coming over to her house and staying there, bringing her coffee, going over to her family's houses, that is too close, IMO. 

Anyone would feel jealous in your situation. The guy is around all the time. Also, them discussing relationship problems is no good. Seems she is either not over him or has poor boundaries. And he may love this entire charade, too. He probably knows it annoys you and gets off on it.

I would talk to her about how you feel. You have a right to express your feelings. She will either empathize and have a more informal relationship with him or she won't. If she won't, then you need to decide whether you want to invest more time with her.

And I think it's weird she sought you on Facebook cause she "liked your picture." Maybe I am old school but that is strange to me. I don't randomly go around chatting up strangers on the net (ok except for TAM). Haha.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Her "ex" isn't really an "ex". I think you're being used - for what is anyone's guess, but I would confront her and try to find out. 

If that doesn't work, insist that she break off contact with the "ex". If she's not good with that, put her in your rearview mirror.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hmmm....are you prepared to have this third wheel along your entire relationship? They do seem awfully chummy, and that wouldn't be OK with me. We all have seen (on TAM) how easy it is to fall back in with an ex. No. They should be kept at a distance.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> Her "ex" isn't really an "ex". I think you're being used - for what is anyone's guess, but I would confront her and try to find out.
> 
> If that doesn't work, insist that she break off contact with the "ex". If she's not good with that, put her in your rearview mirror.


This is what my gut is saying.....








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

The sad truth is that I wish all exs had this type of relationship when there are kid(s) involved. To often we turn their worlds upside down without a second thought. Now that being said, if it bugs you now and your two are only dating, imagine how you are going to feel if it progresses any further.

Please realize that when the are previous children involved there will always be an ex to deal with. Maybe that is a deal breaker for you. Guess what....that is fine. But just realize it and date accordingly.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

don't confront her, just don't call her...move on. if she comes to you then tell her you need some time to sort things out. you need to distance yourself because right now she has her cake and eating it too...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

underwater2010 said:


> The sad truth is that I wish all exs had this type of relationship when there are kid(s) involved.
> 
> Please realize that when the are previous children involved there will always be an ex to deal with.


That is true. However there is a line between co-parenting and then having the ex still hanging around all the time, in your partner's house, bringing them coffee, confiding about relationship problems (the one they have with you) and how they prioritize you vs. their ex.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> That is true. However there is a line between co-parenting and then having the ex still hanging around all the time, in your partner's house, bringing them coffee, confiding about relationship problems (the one they have with you) and how they prioritize you vs. their ex.


This is way over the line imo.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is EXACTLY the thing that killed my marriage! Co-parenting is one thing...the personal aspect is entirely another and not in line for someone in a relationship. She needs to set boundaries!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

FLD, this is your girlfriend, not your fiance, and not your wife. There is no need to confront or not contact her. She's somebody you date. In fact, what you should really be doing is having 2 or 3 more just like her in your rotation. You're a single man. Start living like one.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> FLD, this is your girlfriend, not your fiance, and not your wife. There is no need to confront or not contact her. She's somebody you date. In fact, what you should really be doing is having 2 or 3 more just like her in your rotation. You're a single man. Start living like one.


good point :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with Machiavelli.

And have one of those chicks in rotation at your house, bringing you coffee, hanging with you family. My bet is your girlfriend isn't going to like it...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

justanaveragejoe said:


> good point :smthumbup:


Machiavelli just has that way of bringing you back to center


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> FLD, this is your girlfriend, not your fiance, and not your wife. There is no need to confront or not contact her. She's somebody you date. In fact, what you should really be doing is having 2 or 3 more just like her in your rotation. You're a single man. Start living like one.


Or if that's not your style, just dump her and move on to a woman who shares similar values.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah or you could do that, too.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

My ex partner i still cook him dinner sometimes and he still gets me some shopping if i need it, my family like him, he does things for my children, meh he was at the birth of both of them  and they weren't his. He was watching a film and football at mine, i was doing something else, but he does that and i don't mind, i trust him.

We share an older son and we are on good terms, i left him because he has no sex drive, he really doesn't as he has not had another girlfriend ever, he may be gay, i don't care, he is dependable and not a bad guy to have around.

He is part of my family.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Ya...you shouldn't have to teach yourself how to put up with someone else's ex. Screw that.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> My ex partner i still cook him dinner sometimes and he still gets me some shopping if i need it, my family like him, he does things for my children, *meh he was at the birth of both of them  and they weren't his.* He was watching a film and football at mine, i was doing something else, but he does that and i don't mind, i trust him.
> 
> We share an older son and we are on good terms, i left him because he has no sex drive, he really doesn't as he has not had another girlfriend ever, he may be gay, i don't care, he is dependable and not a bad guy to have around.
> 
> He is part of my family.


Sorry, I'm confused....he was at the birth of your children and they weren't his? 

Are you currently married?


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> FLD, this is your girlfriend, not your fiance, and not your wife. There is no need to confront or not contact her. She's somebody you date. In fact, what you should really be doing is having 2 or 3 more just like her in your rotation. You're a single man. Start living like one.


Not if you are sleeping with them, you should only sleep with one person at a time less you are a male **** that is more than likely carrying STD's 

I assumed they are in a more serious relationship as in only sleeping with each other.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Ya...you shouldn't have to teach yourself how to put up with someone else's ex. Screw that.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Sorry, I'm confused....he was at the birth of your children and they weren't his?
> 
> Are you currently married?


No he is my previous ex partner not confusing at all i've know him over 15 years, i am currently married to my estranged husband whom resides in LA i'm in the UK and waiting for a divorce. So single really, i will start dating next year.

What is wrong with him being at the birth, he took me to the hospital both times, he also held them first  He does change nappies  

Actually he has left one of his golf clubs in my hall, he is just part of my family.

I do know my mother before she died asked him to look after me, maybe he feels this.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

you are right, he is gay.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Everyone with an ex with shared children have different relationships - some more "chummy" than others. My ex & I were comfortable talking about our children & other things until he got a new g/f who was extremely & unnessarily jealous (no kids of her own) & now she is HIS EX LOL.

My point is that when children are involved it is different for new partners. If you are jealous & insecure about her relationship with her ex then you need to dicuss this with her & come to a resolution or you will always have problems.

If you can't work it out, then only date women in the future w/o children.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Not if you are sleeping with them, you should only sleep with one person at a time less you are a male **** that is more than likely carrying STD's
> 
> I assumed they are in a more serious relationship as in only sleeping with each other.


It's a mistake to attempt to enforce society's marital rules on the unmarried.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> No he is my previous ex partner not confusing at all i've know him over 15 years, i am currently married to my estranged husband whom resides in LA i'm in the UK and waiting for a divorce. So single really, i will start dating next year.
> 
> What is wrong with him being at the birth, he took me to the hospital both times, he also held them first  He does change nappies
> 
> ...


There's nothing wrong with it, to each his or her own, I was just confused about the situation...and I also wondered where the actual father of these children was at the time. But I have a feeling that would be a long story, so I won't ask


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Everyone with an ex with shared children have different relationships - some more "chummy" than others. My ex & I were comfortable talking about our children & other things until he got a new g/f who was extremely & unnessarily jealous (no kids of her own) & now she is HIS EX LOL.
> 
> My point is that when children are involved it is different for new partners. If you are jealous & insecure about her relationship with her ex then you need to dicuss this with her & come to a resolution or you will always have problems.
> 
> If you can't work it out, then only date women in the future w/o children.


I hate my husband's ex wife...she has the 'Golden Uterus' syndrome. No jealousy here on my end, I'm just sick of the sense of entitlement. My husband used to bend over backward for her (he didn't know about GUS), but then I came along and set him straight. So while she used to screw him without even having to open her legs, now she's in the backseat where she belongs. Actually, she's chasing the car by bicycle. LMAO!

Some people just want to continue to enjoy the benefits of the marriage (especially the monetary ones) without having to remain married.


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## julialisa (Nov 1, 2012)

I don't necessarily agree with most of the other responses. My ex and I split many years ago as well, because he cheated (with a woman he is now married to and has another kid with). 

When I got over my personal feelings towards him, I was able to develop a great parenting relationship with him AND his wife. We all get along great now, to the point where I will often go places with his wife and our kids, without my ex even joining us. 

Weird? To some maybe, but I really believe that my ex's wife doesn't know the whole story (I believe he told her that we'd split when they started dating), and regardless, I have zero personal feelings for him so I could care less about what happened between us anymore. The way I look at it, I'm lucky to not have to deal with his cheating ways anymore, and can appreciate him for being a good dad. Not to mention, I really like his wife and she loves my son, so I have no complaints there. 

The thing is, my more recent ex had a problem with our relationship. He didn't like that we were friendly and refused to come places with my ex or his wife, and it caused problems in our relationship. I think of them as extended family, and they always will be because we share a child together. Our son is very smart, well adjusted and happy, and doesn't think twice about having mom and dad in the same room or feel uncomfortable about anything. And in my opinion, that's the way it should be. 

It takes a secure person to realize that and to be a part of such a situation. If you're the one she loves and wants to be with, and she involves you in her family situation (which, from the sound of it, she tries to, when you will go along with it), then I think you should consider yourself lucky to be a part of such an amicable situation. I think you should take part in whatever she invites you too because YOU'RE part of the family equation now too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

julialisa said:


> It takes a secure person to realize that and to be a part of such a situation.


Or not. 

Most men do not want to hang out with their girlfriends' exes. Most men don't want their girlfriend's exes hanging out at her house all the time or for her to be confiding in their relationship problems with said ex. 

You'd find fewer men who'd be ok with that than not.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> FLD, this is your girlfriend, not your fiance, and not your wife. There is no need to confront or not contact her. She's somebody you date. In fact, what you should really be doing is having 2 or 3 more just like her in your rotation. You're a single man. Start living like one.


What he says! :iagree:

I'd just be prepared to run for the exits with this one and don't invest too much time in her, she doesn't sound like she's really ready for another committed relationship. She might not really be over the Ex yet.


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## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

Thank you everyone. To be honest, I'm okay with her being on good terms with her ex. I would rather have that than them fighting all the time in front of their daughter. But there should be boundaries and I'm glad that I'm no longer feeling crazy for thinking that. Like I said, I work well with my ex when it comes to the kids...but that's it. 

One other example I forgot to put in the original post was about something that happened over the summer. She has two scooters. They haven't been ridden for a while so we couldn't get them running. The reason she has two is because her ex used to ride one. She asked me if she should call him to see if he could help. I said no. I'm not mechanic (he isn't either) but at least let me try to work on them. She went in the house and called him. She came out and told me not to be mad but "Ex" was coming over. I didn't blow up. I set the screwdriver down and went into her house. Her daughter followed me. So we played together while the girlfriend and "Ex" worked on the scooters. I was mad. He never got them started and then left. When she came in, she asked why I was upset. It turned into a fight and I made it clear that I was upset about what she did. She told me she has that kind of relationship with him. 

She isn't using him for financial reasons as she makes good money and he does not pay child support. I don't believe they are sleeping together. She has said numerous times she could never get back together with him because of the way he acts (he's very high on himself...pompous). 

The thing I have to ask myself is if it's worth it. She is very good with my kids and my kids love her. I have never had as much fun as I've had with her and I've let her know that many times. We enjoy doing a lot of the same things. It just boils down to her relationship with her ex and if her family is going to accept me as the man in her life. They are very nice to me but they act the same towards him.

I think part of me is trying to hard to make a relationship work. It's in my blood. I worked on my marriage until the end. It didn't work out but I do believe I've become a better person after my divorce. I just need someone that wants to share that with me and only me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> FLD, this is your girlfriend, not your fiance, and not your wife. There is no need to confront or not contact her. She's somebody you date. In fact, what you should really be doing is having 2 or 3 more just like her in your rotation. You're a single man. Start living like one.


This is exactly what I was thinking. It doesn't really sound to me like you have an exclusive, committed relationship. More like just a casual thing. FWB or something. If this girl were my exclusive girlfriend, I would never put up with it. But as a casual fling, no problem.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Or not.
> 
> Most men do not want to hang out with their girlfriends' exes. Most men don't want their girlfriend's exes hanging out at her house all the time or for her to be confiding in their relationship problems with said ex.
> 
> You'd find fewer men who'd be ok with that than not.


I've always found that most people in these situations tend to talk themselves into them...they spend all their time telling everyone else how cool it is how cool they are with their exes, and how everyone gets along so great. Then, the **** hits the fan. You know the rest.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

She's being disrespectful to you. Period. Move on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

funlovingdad said:


> But there should be boundaries


Yes, there should be.

Have you ever discussed with her how their relationship makes you uncomfortable?

It could be that she's 1. not over him or 2. has really poor boundaries and expects you to just take it or leave. Which, you also have a choice in the matter.

I would not at all like if my partner's ex kept hanging around all the time. 

The part that really gets me is how you said she confides in him re: relationship issues. That is not cool. At all.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

And keep in mind that while her intentions may very well be innocent friendship, this ex of hers could have his own agenda, girlfriend or no girlfriend.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

funlovingdad said:


> The thing I have to ask myself is if it's worth it. S*he is very good with my kids and my kids love her.* I have never had as much fun as I've had with her and I've let her know that many times. We enjoy doing a lot of the same things. It just boils down to her relationship with her ex and if her family is going to accept me as the man in her life. They are very nice to me but they act the same towards him.
> 
> I think part of me is trying to hard to make a relationship work. It's in my blood. I worked on my marriage until the end. It didn't work out but I do believe I've become a better person after my divorce. I just need someone that wants to share that with me and only me.


Well, if you are going to move forward with this relationship and make a further commitment to it *AND continue to suck both your children and her child into this relationship* (_yes you are now screwing around with both your children's well being and her child's as well_), then you two better be sure that you have your boundaries straight and you are both very clear with what you can or can not live with. You can have a second divorce (or break-up) and deal with the consequences, but do you want to put your kids through a second break up? (her kid too). Be very careful here, you have more than just a responsibility to yourself.

My feeling is that unless she commits to boundaries and respects your feelings about her EX, it's time to reconsider your commitment to this relationship.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Him hanging around = him asserting dominance over you. He's telling you he's more man than you. That he can have her anytime he wants and you can't stop him. Your acceptance of this has probably been subconsciously interpreted by her as weakness.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

funlovingdad said:


> Thank you everyone. To be honest, I'm okay with her being on good terms with her ex. I would rather have that than them fighting all the time in front of their daughter. But there should be boundaries and I'm glad that I'm no longer feeling crazy for thinking that. Like I said, I work well with my ex when it comes to the kids...but that's it.
> 
> One other example I forgot to put in the original post was about something that happened over the summer. She has two scooters. They haven't been ridden for a while so we couldn't get them running. *The reason she has two is because her ex used to ride one. She asked me if she should call him to see if he could help. I said no. I'm not mechanic (he isn't either) but at least let me try to work on them. She went in the house and called him. She came out and told me not to be mad but "Ex" was coming over. I didn't blow up. I set the screwdriver down and went into her house. Her daughter followed me. So we played together while the girlfriend and "Ex" worked on the scooters. I was mad. He never got them started and then left. When she came in, she asked why I was upset. It turned into a fight and I made it clear that I was upset about what she did. She told me she has that kind of relationship with him.*
> 
> ...


You should have quitly left when she told you her ex was coming over. Your going into the house and playing with her daughter while the ex comes over and helps her with some masculine task like fixing a motor scooter is a visual that does not do you any favors. And then of course, you having a an argument with her after he left --ie, acting all whiny, lets he know that you may not like it but you still hang around. If you don't like something, you should leave.

Also think of YOUR needs here. It's great that the kids get along but it should not be at your expense.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I think she is being disrespectful and probably not over her EX,but its you and her and you should set boundaries.
You need to tell her that her hanging around with her EX combined with disrespect(scooters) makes you uneasy and she should stop and prove to you that she is in fact over her EX.
She said she can't be with her EX because of his attitude and what if he changes her attitude then you are history.

You shouldn't be looking here what is acceptable boundary,if you read on forums some people will stay with serial cheater,some only forgive once,some only forgive EA while some not and so on same with disrespect.

While asserting your boundaries you can't just be mad for couple of hours and then be like it never happened,she needs to know that you are done with her if she does it again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Him hanging around = him asserting dominance over you. He's telling you he's more man than you. That he can have her anytime he wants and you can't stop him. Your acceptance of this has probably been subconsciously interpreted by her as weakness.


Very insightful post.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> You should have quitly left when she told you her ex was coming over. * Your going into the house and playing with her daughter while the ex comes over and helps her with some masculine task like fixing a motor scooter is a visual that does not do you any favors.* And then of course, you having a an argument with her after he left --ie, acting all whiny, lets he know that you may not like it but you still hang around. If you don't like something, you should leave.
> 
> Also think of YOUR needs here. It's great that the kids get along but it should not be at your expense.


Gamma behavior of the first magnitude.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Or not.
> 
> Most men do not want to hang out with their girlfriends' exes. Most men don't want their girlfriend's exes hanging out at her house all the time or for her to be confiding in their relationship problems with said ex.
> 
> You'd find fewer men who'd be ok with that than not.


Particularly if they are still single and her folks prefer the ex.

I'll fight a guy for my WIFE (though I shouldn't have to) but I'm NOT going to fight a guy AND her folks for a girlfriend...particularly when the GF seems pretty darned happy with the situation.

To quote The Captain and Tenillie: You Better Shop Around. Don't Be Fooled By The Very First One
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry just had to......
http://youtu.be/hjy8HqrcYys


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