# WAW syndrome is claiming another family



## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Well I have finally figured out what is going on with my wife 7 months after she told me she had prepared divorce papers-she is the classic WAW case study from the volumes of reading I have done in an effort to understand this. A little background-I know they all are different but all are the same too-just change the names and numbers and they are all the same. We have been married 21 years and together 27 years, I am 20 yrs older than her, we have two sons, 12 and 17. For me the D announcement came completely out of the blue as I thought everything in our marriage was great. Together we had overcome all odds and were inseparable and unstoppable. Obviously she had been planning her exit strategy for awhile probably years. She told me in May but had told our two minor children before by a month or more!! Talk about a dead man walking and being marginalized in the eyes of the kids-not even courage or class enough to sit down with her no good soon to be ex husband. We did the marriage counselor thing over the summer and that seemed to be helpful-to me at least. We spent a lot more time together alone and even went on a 2nd honeymoon/anniversary trip. While on this trip she reconnected with a male fb friend that had surfaced right before the D announcement. When I asked her to remove him she said she felt she didn't have to nor need to. After 3 days of no removal I couldn't take it any longer and told her it was him or me. Well it was me that she is removing. She did angrily close her whole fb account and showed up at the next MC session unexpectedly and read a note saying there was no hope for saving our marriage. She moved out that day. She reactivated her fb account after moving out and yes the om is still there bigger than life-and I really don't even think he is a player in all this except as a line in the sand. Is there an om?-maybe she has most of the signs-but I am not convinced that there is which makes her actions even more strange in my view. That was about a month ago-I am giving her time and space-minimal contact, no more 'reasoning', no more give us a chance etc, etc, etc. She has become more friendly and concerned about me superficially it seems. As for the kids I am losing them too-they are 'siding' with their mom as she is 'unhappy' and I am the cause of her unhappiness. So I have been to the edge of Hell and back a time or two but believe it or not I am getting better. I still hate this needless tragedy, pain, and destruction that is being thrown on our marriage, kids, and both families. I'm losing my wife, my kids, probably my place-all the most important things in my personal life. And it is all because she is unhappy but never told me nor gave me a real chance to help after she did tell me. The WAW syndrome is real and it is a family killer. This phenomenon needs to be addressed in national public forums so women and men can recognize and prevent this senseless destruction of functional, viable families.

Come on WAWs don't fault us for not recognizing the communication attempts that went completely over our stupid heads. Fault yourselves for not getting our attention before it was TOO LATE. A high price is being paid for your quest for happiness-you owe a staggering debt to all those hurt because of your actions. Like in Private Ryan you better 'earn this'.

A 'good' husband, 'good' father, and now a LBS


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this... put simply.. it sucks.

"destruction that is being thrown on our marriage, kids, and *both families*"

What 'both families'. What other family is involved?

Does she feel that she has been telling you what was wrong all along? I just wonder about this.

I've told my husband (ex now-and no I'm not a WAW) very clearly many many time and he just agreed, said he'd work on things and never did. 

So I wonder in the WAW situation if the wife thinks she told the husband but he was not receptive.


I assume from what you said that your wife has sucked the kids into this and that's why they are taking her side. Have you looked into anything to try to fix this. Maybe even to take them to counseling with you?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It's a tough ride TN (TN here too) .....but have you sat down and talked to your oldest son and explained what happened? I was unaware of the number of wives just coming out of the blue saying 'i want out'. Mine is older than I, 47. But the one thing I stand by without wavering is accountability for actions. The grass appears greener because it grows on a septic tank. In my case....I made it clear I wanted to work things out and followed that by going cold. She spilled the water, she can mop it up. We have I guess a month before the D is final. She has creditors calling her right and left about overdue bills but spends $60 to join two dating sites....yeah shows just how 'in her right mind she is'. I was always there to pick her up when she fell.....not this time. I'm 41 and still have a chance to meet someone and have children. I learned she could not have any more (1 from her 1st marriage) and it almost killed me but I accepted it. Ride out the storm but by all means hold her accountable. No excuses. And own your own emotions, allow her nothing of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> It's a tough ride TN (TN here too) .....but have you sat down and talked to your oldest son and explained what happened? I was unaware of the number of wives just coming out of the blue saying 'i want out'. Mine is older than I, 47. But the one thing I stand by without wavering is accountability for actions. The grass appears greener because it grows on a septic tank. In my case....I made it clear I wanted to work things out and followed that by going cold. She spilled the water, she can mop it up. We have I guess a month before the D is final. She has creditors calling her right and left about overdue bills but spends $60 to join two dating sites....yeah shows just how 'in her right mind she is'. I was always there to pick her up when she fell.....not this time. I'm 41 and still have a chance to meet someone and have children. I learned she could not have any more (1 from her 1st marriage) and it almost killed me but I accepted it. Ride out the storm but by all means hold her accountable. No excuses. And own your own emotions, allow her nothing of it.


This is so true. I've noticed it with some of the women I know who did the WAW thing. Some (not all) of them find out that divorce was not the solution. It often just creates new problems.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Ele-We had trouble communicating our emotions. Neither wanted to stir the pot. We had very few fights and we both felt bad after it. There's no hate between us, we both admit there is still love (well been awhile back but after 15 years I assume it is still the case). Like I stated on my blog I want her to experience life without me (still in same house). That is the only way to 2x4 someone.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. It is unimaginable how much hurt the betrayal by a trusted 'loving' wife(spouse)can cause-except everyone here does know and understand.

Yes Ele she has said that she told me or tried to tell me many times that she was unhappy but I didn't change. I told her that I never recognized her pleas-why didn't she grab me and shake me or something?(this seems to be a common thread with WAWs). Heck I was just bumbling along in our(my in retrospect) happy little world without a clue that Armageddon was coming. And then when she can't take her unhappy life any longer she drops the bomb, jumps off the cliff and pulls everyone with her. How logical is that? But she is fueled by emotion and not logic. My 'both families' comment referred to her blood family and my blood family that are being affected by the break up of our nuclear family.

Chuck- so sorry to read your story too- I wish that neither or none of us had to meet because of all the personal tragedies. I have spoke with my oldest son a bit- but he seems to not recognize the consequences and acknowledged that he is taking mom's side because she 'doesn't want to be with me' and is unhappy. He is still living with me at home because he is simply too lazy to move and doesn't want to deal with relocation. As he put it he will 'be outta here soon' anyway(college). The younger one moved to mom when she got internet service installed about 10 days later!! Shows his priorities-lol. I am not angry or mad at either one of my sons; their status is pretty much what I expected but it does seem the entire family is leaving me. 

She told me that she had 'prepared' divorce papers 7 months ago but she hasn't filed them yet. After she moved out we have had 1 or 2 positive discussions(reckon the lbs tries to snatch onto any shred of hope!) and she says to give her some time and she is unsure if there is hope or not. We lack just a year in having our place paid off and that is our agreed upon goal it seems. Of course in today's market a divorce fire sale would be lucky to realize much more than one half of its value.

Continuing to hang in, not knowing how to react to her mixed signals, wanting to be hopeful but fearing to risk anymore emotional capital(if there is any left)-TNman


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

TN-Do the 180 below is link

The Healing Heart: The 180

Try to go no contact. Do not beg or plead. I know it's counter but you need to be John Wayne on a bad day. If emotions led her out the door, it will take that to bring her back. For some reason she is having this patty-cake bull###t fantasy about reconnecting and things will be like they were in 1989. Sorry....ain't gonna happen. Do not listen to what she says, watch what she DOES. This ripped my guts out but I am more "Jack Lambert" now. The ride/fog will lift. In the meantime, rediscover a hobby, do things she didn't like. Me.....she hated loud music so I cranked up Motley Crue and got the mic and danced the night away. Don't think about what will I do when she comes around, she may not but...% are in your favor. You will see the fog break....slowly. You are in my prayers. BTW-Chattanooga area here


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks Chuck-Merry Christmas to you. I am over in middle TN fairly near Murfreesboro.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I hope yours was as well. I was at mom's with no net connection.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Well my situation continues to deteriorate- my 17 yo son who was living with me moved out last night to go live with my stbxw and our 12 yo son. I was trying to get him to talk with me about our(his and mine) increasing communication difficulties and his lack of respect for me and what I/ we could do to have a better relationship. His basic response was we had had this conversation before, I wouldn't agree with anything he said, he didn't know, and furthermore he didn't care. Well I told him if he felt that way he should just move out and he did or will today. The common teen son/father conflict is happening at the same time my wife is quitting just compounding the hurt and sadness. My 12 yo is not quite there but is well on his way. Seems like at ever turn I make things worse. I do know what I have to do- forgive myself, learn to love myself, make myself better and stronger, and change the things that I can. I spoke with my WAW about this(son issue) and then the conversation morphed into discussion of our situation. That was a major mistake; I know it and I knew it. To get out of my hole I have to stop digging. Pray for me.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Hang in there TNman! Life will get better. I got a version of the WAW almost 2 years ago now. Valentines weekend I heard the D day annoucement out of the blue.

The WAW does the stealth exit plan and makes the guy feel like everything is just fine until that day. There are signs, but you would have to be aware of the WAW to be looking for them. I had no clue. 

After two years of this, I feel I have a much better understanding and have concluded it is all sparked from a depression within the Wife. The numbers all align with the MLC. Average age, getting older, and many life changes. The spouse becomes the target and reason for all the inner turmoil, but he has no idea since it is kept from him. 

They start looking for greener pastures, EA,PA and other support personnel who are usually going through their own relationship issues are partners in crime. Misery loves company...right.

They are in a fog and if you can keep your head and try to mitigate the damage, there is a greater hope for reconciling. 

180, get IC, the book Divorce Remedy helped me a ton.

I wish you well!


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks-tim-the situation and scenario does sound pretty much exactly the same. I have read the divorce remedy and love must be tough plus countless pages on WAW syndrome and these Internet boards. Seems in most cases the WAW indeed has a stealth exit strategy and once put into motion she won't stop usually. R (trueR) would be wonderful but that appears very unlikely to me. I agree with your assessment of mlc, depression, inner 'unhappiness' that is blamed on the unaware H. She even told our minor sons a month or so before she told me about the impending D. How special was that? makes me feel like a doddering old dog hobbling around the yard and the family has met and agreed that 'fluffy' needs to be euthanized. 

Of course there are always willing players on the sidelines but I'm confident things will look different to her and them when the WAW is free. Of course the original family and marriage has been destroyed before the fog lifts and reality sets in.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Yep. Sadly even though we may have been fine spouses, we get marked by their blame game through rewritten history. All we can do is be the best we can. 

My marriage was saved and things are very good between us, but there is many damaged extended family and friend relationships. I know she was confused, but the minute she ran out the door and seperated, which was shocking and unexpected (WAW), our issues became public knowledge to everyone we know. So sad. Damn Depression!

If you ever so the movie "Knocked up" and the scene where they are fighting at the maternity office and he yells ....

"You know what? I know this isn't you talking, it's your hormones, but I would just like to say, "F*ck you, hormones! You are a crazy b*tch, hormones!" Not Alison, hormones. F*ck 'em. It's a girl, buy some pink sh*t." 

I have the same feelings for that MLC depression! F*ck you Mid Life Crisis!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

TN-TiM talks exactly what he went through. His posts are all in line. I do not have children so I can't really go in depth. But it is typical for an older son to side with their mother. It is instinct, I do know that from my doctorate. You are assumed to be the a-hole, let the dust settle. Truth always comes out in the wash. I'm right down I-24.....you need a person to vent to and a cup of coffee......anytime. I'm going through this too.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Yeah Chuck I am not surprised by my sons' position- still hurts in light of everything else. Yeah I would like to sit down ftf sometime and talk war stories. I occasionally work in Chattanooga or maybe we could meet half way sometime when it is convenient.

More on my story- I probably broke a lot or all of 180 rules today. WAW texts me this am and asks to come over and pick up some of older son's things-I say ok. Anyway she comes over and gets more of her clothes and sons clothes as well. Meeting was ok with some hugs and smiles- went to her place in my vehicle, helped disassemble bunk beds, brought them to store at our place. She asked if we could stop at local greasy spoon for lunch-sure. And we did. Took sons bed back to her current place, help assemble it, and etc. the visit was pleasant and cordial even with the older son with whom I had the flare up a couple of days previous. She went with me down to the gate when I left her place-she said she had a good day and I said the same. Got a couple of long parting hugs and kisses. Ok bring on the flames-I know she may very well be disingenuous just to get some help with her continuing and forever move out or keeping me firmly in plan b and viewing me as a doormat. If there is ever an R it has to begin somewhere-right? Of course it should be after her request to have the 'talk' about trying to give it another chance. My other option would have been to refuse to help at all- not go to her place-not see my kids and let them see me interacting with WAW in a positive manner and etc. Would that have been the better option - maybe, probably, definitely? I still think she is walking-today's positive or fake positive interaction notwithstanding.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Over the weekend I spent some time with my WAW helping her to move out some of the kids things and set up their rooms. I wanted to see her and observe her actions, reactions, and body language. I did see some flashes of the old wife with the attendant glimmers of hope but I saw more negative indicators that confirms it is over. So having a bit of a worse day today trying to accept the fact that what we had is dead. She is murdering my love for her and she killed her love for me. We talked a bit at MY instigation and she said that 'she will always love me' which is a BS enabling behavior to help assuage guilt. I told her that I realize it doesn't matter to her but that I won't always love her but will love her as long as I can(bad move I know but it is over anyway). She also again said with a bit of anger that there is no one else(BS again)- everything that she has done and is doing is explained by an OM. I told her well if there is no one else you need to get help via IC as what you are doing is not 'normal'. She said that she would make an appointment with our previous MC. She still refuses to tell me why she is leaving. She did send me a text last night saying 'I hate who I am. ...' That is the first hint or inkling of remorse/guilt that I have ever seen in this 8 month disengagement. WTF- anyway another day.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Let her set up the MC. If she wants to take the lead, allow her. The best thing in the world to do is let her fall on her arse. In your heart you do not want to but you have to. "Hey honey, I really hate it things are more a struggle for you since you decided to separate." I can relate to this method, it's like telling your teenage son not to speed or they will get a ticket. Sure enough, kid comes home with a ticket, they have to learn for themselves. You can read her well from how you explain, that is good. Go dark and let her see the world for what it is. If she sets up MC, do attend.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

I am attempting to go more NC starting today. I know I have to accept that it is over and rebuild my life. How long does it generally take for a NC to cause the WAW to reach out-I realize this is a stupid question but ask anyway- I am sure it depends on the situation and individuals and probably varies from days to weeks to months to never. Anyway please pray that I can remain strong and become stronger. I guess the goal is that the NC makes me stronger and not needing a reach out from WAW.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You are in my thoughts. As for NC, she will fish very soon. Once she is aware you are NC she may turn it into a urinating contest and go NC with you. But in truth, if you are NC.....how would you know? You are a policeman....remember how Manson used his followers......this is how your W will work the boys. She will attempt to extract info from you via them. Treat her just like you would a criminal.


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## timeforpain (Apr 29, 2012)

TNMan, you already know more about typical WAW than I do (I haven't read much about it), but my guess is that she is being pleasant to you in order to ease her guilt. It's harmful to you because she likely isn't coming back and yet it gives you hope. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this and sorry you're struggling with your relationship with your son as well. These are the times we find out what we're really made of.

Do you think the age gap contributed here? I'm assuming you're about 70 and she is 50 (if your wife was 23 when you started dating, 27 years together, and you're 20 yrs older). Seems like WAWing around age 50 is becoming more common these days.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks Chuck for your continuing support.
Time for pain- yeah you are about right about the ages- I am 65 and she is 45. I am sure age is a factor but she has insisted not repeatedly. Actually I have been healthier than her to this point as she has had several health issues including thyroid cancer which has been 'cured' thankfully. And I can keep up with her in every way- but the age difference may be contributing to a mlc-but looks like she would bail out later when the kids are out of the nest. Maybe she doesn't want to miss her window of opportunity ie mlc and all.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok 48 hrs of no contact which is a first during our 2 month separation. We both would text some back and forth previously. She of course has recognized this and can out 'hard' me since she holds the cards. But she must be wondering too. Anyway figure I don't have anything else to lose and my healing to gain.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

My W is 47 so this sounds similar. It's like a waiting game to a degree. When mine sends emails (can't call or text, I do not use a cell nor text) I usually wait three days to open. Unless it has -I'm sorry- on the header, I really am in no hurry to open (no kids). Keep doing NC.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Had text contact yesterday re financial situation. She and youngest son stopped by to pick up a check that had arrived yesterday so that she could get it to the bank. I can see in her eyes and actions that she is finished; wish I could let go of this damn tiny molecule of dreamworld hope that I cant seem to kill.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Had a bad night last night and couldn't sleep much. However I do feel much better this am despite all my suffering over the last months. I am moving forward on letting go and focusing on healing myself and trying to remain a positive force in my kids life. My stbxw has had way too much power over my feelings and that has to stop. Her true personality and value system are becoming clear and they are not attractive to me.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The boys should be your only concern. Going through the pain is a process. It's best to face it head on. When you do, a lot of things will make sense which do not at the present. I speak from experience.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Omg, after getting the iceberg shoulder and short shrift in our last encounters stbxw and I had a 'normal' conversation via phone just a bit ago. Was trying to connect with my sons for breakfast lunch or whatever-no answer-so called WAW no answer either!! Figured I was now in the below zero crap hole and probably am but she called back and spoke with me like a normal human being with no hardness in her voice-how surprised I was. Said she was cleaning the shower when I called. I HAVE given up on her coming back but want to maintain the ability for civil human conversation as there are lots of issues to be discussed and decided in this break. Hopefully she can maintain the ability for civility and normal human interaction. It would make things much easier.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

That is VERY typical. You may see more of it soon. Just remain cordial and act like it does not matter if she comes back or not. When she's not being chased, she will turn around and look. She will go from running to walking to stopping. Then it's decision time.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Update-things about the same-no real contact to speak of-some texts on 'business issues'. Since my kids are dumping me too it makes life so damn hard. Don't think she will ever want to talk about us- now just waiting to talk about plans for property division- seems like she doesn't want to talk period. All of our conversations between each other and at the mc were carried by me. When I asked her a simple direct question- she would usually just say 'I don't know' after a long pause. All the time just seemed to be staring off into space when talking about difficult subjects-wtf. She doesn't know anything except she is unhappy. Well I am too!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Funny when people are so happy for twenty-four years and unhappy one......the one seems to be the focus. But that is her dime as it is an internal issue. Just stay NC......best way to help yourself


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

The best thing for you to do is have some fun. My WAW left for the last time a week ago today. Ive been down all week, went out on friday to a club. I wasnt really in the mood, but ended up with alot of confidence speaking to woman. I slept with a woman, slightly guilty, but not ashamed as my wife has made it perfectly clear she doesnt want to save the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

I am not ready for that-technically I am still married on paper even if not in reality. I would like to just hold and lie down with a warm sincere woman!!! Guess that is cheating too but would like to feel some female love and warmth.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Well just an update-waiting for other shoe to drop. Still separated with no news of end game plans and just trying to do 180 as best as I can. Through research and reading(she won't offer one damn word of explanation)and trying to understand my wife and situation I have concluded that she is a narcissist-wow what a can of worms that entails. I have read literally 100s of pages of information on narcissists, their behavior, and their actions. She fits the profiles to a tee and all her actions are understandable even if heartwrenching and unbelievable. Hell I feel sorry for her-I will get better but a tiger can't change its stripes especially a narcissist. My big horror is for the survival of my kids to some semi normal psychological state. To think that I felt so much special love from her for years and years was just a sham is hard to imagine and comprehend. And my love for her was genuine-something that she can never really feel. Anyway just an update. For those abused and betrayed by narcissists Melanie Tonia Evans webpages are a God send-they have helped me so much. Good luck to everyone.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TNMAN

Focus on you!

Your WAW is gone by her choice. She gave you no say in this matter. Worse, she gave you no explanation.

She is doing that so in her mind she can justify leaving you and divorcing you.

Your kids will wake up in time. Just remember they are just kids....

For now work on the 180. Work on indifference. Work on the divorce.

Keep up your health and overall fitness. Replace the wardrobe and get ready to start looking for the next woman that will make you feel good and loved.

So many of the WAW's are so unhappy with themselves that they are incapable of recognizing what is right in front of them.

Do not be a victim.

Heal, grow and thrive.

Hell be happy for her. Just "Let Her Go!"

HM64


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She sees herself as a victim
sitting in the victim chair
saying lies over and over
eventually..........she belives the lies


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok-my WAW texts today and wants to talk after about 2 1/2 months of separation. She says she has decided to proceed with the divorce and wants to discuss the break up. Anyway lots of crying, sobs, and tears were shed by both of us(mine were real-her's? who knows) but she is leaving. Proposed terms of our tentative agreements are as good as I could expect. She still won't tell me why, assures me there is no one else, and responds with 'I don't know' to probing questions. At any rate I did love her totally with my heart and soul. I have come to realize she is a narcissist and there is no understanding them in rational, logical terms. It did 'feel' wonderful when I 'felt' she loved me too for all those years. I know this has to end but still sad tonight. And I feel sorry for her and my sons especially. Peace and love to all of you going through heartbreak.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TNMan

Very sorry to hear but not surprised.

You know she had this planned for awhile.

And yes she is broken. But you are not.

So Let Her Go. Focus on you and the kids. Heal.

Find a new woman and be happy.

Because your wife will never be happy nor make you happy.

HM64


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry to hear this my friend. Stay the 180 and stay strong. Eventually she will hit a dead end and will have to face who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Thanks for the support. You are both so correct. I realize I have codependent issues which makes me a perfect mark for the narcissist. Now I am going through her 'devalue and discard' stage. But I have made a lot of progress on recognizing my complicity in this relationship and will repair myself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Its all you can do. Learn what you did wrong and don't make the same mistakes with the next woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

HM64 and bandit are correct as usual. What is in it for you to be in her spin cycle? People with her condition are bad about boomeranging. Heal and be in a better place to....avoid the B.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

TNman - very sorry to hear what you are going through. I am really concerned about what you say about your sons. How did that happen so easily? Do you think your stbxw has been badmouthing you to the kids? If so - you have to get on top of that situation somehow before it is too late. You mentioned the marriage as being pretty good before your wife decided to walk away. Was your relationship with your sons pretty solid up to the point where she told them about the split (before she told you)? 

Telling the kids before you was just about the worst thing she could have done - totally unacceptable. I hope you are keeping notes of all of this because parental alienation is the worst kind of betrayal by a former spouse.

Any way you can get the kids into counselling?


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Cedarman-you know thinking back with 20/20 hindsight I can see how my wife disrespected (actively and passively) me as an equal partner or parent. As a codependent I had poor boundary function but did mention it a time or two with just temporary change. I don't know(think) that she actively bad mouthed me but they certainly keyed on her attitude over time. She was obviously planning her exit over time and had made up her mind before telling me. Telling the kids a month or so before me just confirmed my unworthiness in their eyes IMO. Her antics with the fake mc sessions were just a face saving maneuver that will look better for the history book. The kids just seem so blinded by her and hooked by her. That is what narcissists do and are good at doing. They seem cold and uncaring about me and the family members on my side. I pray that some of it is the teenager stage and they will come back. It is so difficult to document PAS even if you know it has happened. Both of these kids are the 'golden child' type that narcs create. I know she has a horrible personality disorder that 'fooled' a lot of people for years. I reckon my 'feel good' supply was finally exhausted and/or replaced with that from the kids and/or OM. IC is probably not an option for the kids. I loved my fake wife with all my heart and soul-she 'seemed' so wonderfully perfect-don't they all? And even now that I know what she is and how she functions it is difficult to accept it and realize all the goodness was fake. Stbxw will fail in her quest for happiness because she can't be happy with her true self. Sad sad-some time in the future I will try to have a heart to heart with the older son and explain my thoughts about his mom asking him to keep an open mind. Then maybe if he is not lost himself he can help save his younger brother. Man oh man.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok wife had another sobbing meltdown while we were discussing asset disposition. Every thing was going well until we got to a sticking point and then she clouded up, changed like a chameleon and started sobbing again-wtf. Seems like a 'normal' stbxw would sob for 2nd thoughts? But she never ever mentions that for sure. Any way got an angry email saying what she was 'willing' to do. I sent a couple of emails back explaining my positions and no response of course. Today I get a text saying I can pick up the divorce papers at the lawyers or be served by a deputy-lol. Told her that I would pick them up instead of being served like a common criminal-which is pretty much how the courts treat husbands anyway it seems. But she did say that we needed to talk some more and that we can hopefully work things out before first mediation in 2 weeks. I am such an idiot for feeling sad-I should be so damn happy. Life goes on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tn Man
Just keep following through. Your wife is a mess and has made a mess. 

You will be cleaning up the mess.

Just make sure you have a lawyer too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just remember that those tears are not for you or the ruined marriage.

She's angry because you are not letting her have her way.

Just let her go. Find a new better woman and be happy.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She is crying because everything she dreamed up in her mind is now.....becoming reality. Go ahead and buy her a 'hit me' sign.....the karma train will be 'a comin. Smile.....wish her well......she is going to need it. Take high ground....let her drown. The more NC the better off you will be.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Great post Chuck! You know I don't like to see anyone suffer but my narc wife has caused so much heartache, heartbreak, pain, and distress to so many people that she duped she deserves some sort of payback. However it seems narcs are pretty immune to anything beause of no conscience, empathy, or remorse generally. They just move on like a tornado destroying another community of naive people she pretends to love. I guess their real punishment is the disdain of their true hollow self and that they will never know real love in a real relationship.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok update-after several false starts I will pick up the D papers from her attorney today. Then I will get them to my attorney( who I just hired last week). She seems to be destabilizing a bit as her wants are fast approaching reality. I am in a much much better emotional state at this point than I have been previously. My biggest concern and one that I really don't have much control of is my sons' emotional well being. My next concern is being able to stay on our place and keep it for the boys. It is a fantastically wonderful home place with woods creek and waterfalls. It is the boys' childhood home. I am not convinced that will happen because she will really want to punish me to the max to feed her NPD as she exits. Wow-getting ready to hold on for a wild ride. Say prayers for me and my sons.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Hopefully she just wants out and gone; or at least in the present. This is when you hope there is an OM. She will want it quick and done (D). May bode good for you in keeping home.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Just remember that those tears are not for you or the ruined marriage.
> 
> She's angry because you are not letting her have her way.
> 
> Just let her go. Find a new better woman and be happy.


But fix yourself - first and foremost.


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Ok, haven't posted in awhile. My D process seems to be stagnant at the moment; I have mentioned 3x to WAW narc that we need to sit down and talk about asset settlement issues-she says ok and then let's the days drift by without saying more. She seems less militant and hard during recent interactions and has called a few times for no real pressing reason(twice today)that I could determine. And she seems like she wants to hang out on the phone as if she wants to say something but hasn't or doesn't. Could the WAW narc be transforming into the LBS? Maybe OM is bailing? Maybe nothing-but after 27 years I ought to know something about her unspoken meanings and mannerisms. Whatever she is, the biggest thing she is right now is dumb to throw away security, stability, and our 21 years of accomplishment for the pursuit of a nebulous happiness. Maybe she is starting to change her tune; maybe Happy-land doesn't seem so rosy now? Who knows- now I may have to make a decision regarding our future instead of her. At least I am in a much improved emotional state and see a wonderful dawn in the east.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TNman said:


> Ok, haven't posted in awhile. My D process seems to be stagnant at the moment; I have mentioned 3x to WAW narc that we need to sit down and talk about asset settlement issues-she says ok and then let's the days drift by without saying more. She seems less militant and hard during recent interactions and has called a few times for no real pressing reason(twice today)that I could determine. And she seems like she wants to hang out on the phone as if she wants to say something but hasn't or doesn't. Could the WAW narc be transforming into the LBS? Maybe OM is bailing? Maybe nothing-but after 27 years I ought to know something about her unspoken meanings and mannerisms. Whatever she is the, biggest thing she is right now is dumb to throw away security, stability, and our 21 years of accomplishment for the pursuit of a nebulous happiness. Maybe she is starting to change her tune; maybe Happy-land doesn't seem so rosy now? Who knows- now I may have to make a decision regarding our future instead of her. At least I am in a much improved emotional state and see a wonderful dawn in the east.


How is therapy going?


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Continue on with detachment and divorce. She is just fishing. In her hormone addled MLC mindset she is going to have occasional moments of clarity where she is able to look at the big picture and she what she is losing. 

But those brief moments won't last. Heartfelt, wailing, self-debasing remorse from her is what you want to see. Not this piddly "let's be friends" fishing from her. Stay on track.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNman (Dec 24, 2012)

Conrad, I am in auto therapy and doing much much better. She has gone 1-2x to our mc that I know about. She is probably just fishing or shoring up plan b. We shall see.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TNman said:


> Conrad, I am in auto therapy and doing much much better. She has gone 1-2x to our mc that I know about. She is probably just fishing or shoring up plan b. We shall see.


Stay the course brother.

You are no one's Plan B.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

This is now her reality

And it is nowhere near as pretty as the brochure said

Confusion and disorganization

But this is what she desired


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