# How do you deal with your husband cheating on you?



## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

I'm not looking for people to tell me that he shouldn't... You wouldn't understand the situation... If you knew your spouse was cheating on you, how do you deal with it? I don't know if I can really call it cheating if I'm aware of it. It feels the same...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Divorce.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

I'm not getting divorced... That's not coping with what he's doing...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

addiro said:


> I'm not getting divorced... That's not coping with what he's doing...


So he has informed you that he is having sex with someone else. 

With or without your blessings?


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

He hasn't straight out said that he's sleeping with someone else but he doesn't put a lot of effort into hiding it either. He's "out" right now. As soon as he gets home he's going to get in the shower, then put his clothes in the laundry, then sleep in the spare bedroom or his office. On nights when he doesn't go out, none of that happens. He no longer tries to have intimacy with me, he's getting it elsewhere... It's the waiting for him to come home... The wondering what he's doing... Sitting up all night crying, wanting him to come home. Not being able to talk to the one person I need to talk to. Wanting him to need me, not her. Sometimes he will stay overnight at a friends house because he drank too much, he doesn't drink... He goes to his office when he's not working, closes his door and locks it. Hides his phone, clears his history. Takes phone calls in private. It's not my first rodeo... I think he knows that I know...


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

addiro said:


> He hasn't straight out said that he's sleeping with someone else but he doesn't put a lot of effort into hiding it either. He's "out" right now. As soon as he gets home he's going to get in the shower, then put his clothes in the laundry, then sleep in the spare bedroom or his office. On nights when he doesn't go out, none of that happens. He no longer tries to have intimacy with me, he's getting it elsewhere... It's the waiting for him to come home... The wondering what he's doing... Sitting up all night crying, wanting him to come home. Not being able to talk to the one person I need to talk to. Wanting him to need me, not her. Sometimes he will stay overnight at a friends house because he drank too much, he doesn't drink... He goes to his office when he's not working, closes his door and locks it. Hides his phone, clears his history. Takes phone calls in private. It's not my first rodeo... *I think he knows that I know*...


And because you don't say anything or throw him out, he figures he can keep doing it. Being aware of it is not the same as approving of it. Are you in a previously discussed open relationship? if not, then it's cheating.

So yes, how you deal with is it to file for divorce. He's already ended the marriage with his actions, you'd just be making it official.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> And because you don't say anything or throw him out, he figures he can keep doing it. Being aware of it is not the same as approving of it. Are you in a previously discussed open relationship? if not, then it's cheating.
> 
> So yes, how you deal with is it to file for divorce. He's already ended the marriage with his actions, you'd just be making it official.


If I don't do anything about it then I'm allowing it to continue, which is (in one way or another) giving him permission. He knows I'd let him get away with it... We haven't specifically discussed having an "open" marriage, we also haven't not discussed it though. I don't want to get divorced again...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can't change his actions only your reaction t them. Never love someone so much that you let them abuse you.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You can't change his actions only your reaction t them. Never love someone so much that you let them abuse you.


He doesn't abuse me... If there were a "whose a better spouse" contest, he'd win. Even still. I knew what I was agreeing to when I got married. He's a good husband, I'm just a bad wife. I just need to learn to deal with it....and stop thinking about it all the time...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

addiro said:


> He doesn't abuse me... If there were a "whose a better spouse" contest, he'd win. Even still. I knew what I was agreeing to when I got married. He's a good husband, I'm just a bad wife. I just need to learn to deal with it....and stop thinking about it all the time...


Actively having and affair is abuse. Having and affair means he is a bad husband not you. You thinking on this is very wrong. You need counseling.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

sokillme said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > He doesn't abuse me... If there were a "whose a better spouse" contest, he'd win. Even still. I knew what I was agreeing to when I got married. He's a good husband, I'm just a bad wife. I just need to learn to deal with it....and stop thinking about it all the time...
> ...


If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

addiro said:


> If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess.


OK so you should probably give us the whole story so you can get good advice.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

addiro said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > You can't change his actions only your reaction t them. Never love someone so much that you let them abuse you.
> ...


Nah actually mine would win because he doesn’t cheat. Well my point is: 

If you’re a bad wife, why wouldn’t he just leave and find a “better person”? Why would he cheat? This sounds like black and white, magical thinking. You cannot determine your husband’s thinking and behavior. 

Maybe if you explain what the “bad things” you did are, you would get a more accurate response.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

addiro said:


> If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess.


So what have you done that makes you such a bad wife and that justifies him cheating on you?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

When I see things like the following it rips my heart out.



addiro said:


> He hasn't straight out said that he's sleeping with someone else but he doesn't put a lot of effort into hiding it either. He's "out" right now. As soon as he gets home he's going to get in the shower, then put his clothes in the laundry, then sleep in the spare bedroom or his office. On nights when he doesn't go out, none of that happens. *He no longer tries to have intimacy with me, he's getting it elsewhere... It's the waiting for him to come home... The wondering what he's doing... Sitting up all night crying, wanting him to come home. Not being able to talk to the one person I need to talk to. *Wanting him to need me, not her. Sometimes he will stay overnight at a friends house because he drank too much, he doesn't drink... He goes to his office when he's not working, closes his door and locks it. Hides his phone, clears his history. Takes phone calls in private. It's not my first rodeo... I think he knows that I know...





addiro said:


> If I don't do anything about it then I'm allowing it to continue, which is (in one way or another) giving him permission. *He knows I'd let him get away with it...* We haven't specifically discussed having an "open" marriage, we also haven't not discussed it though. *I don't want to get divorced again..*.





addiro said:


> He doesn't abuse me... If there were a "whose a better spouse" contest, he'd win. Even still. I knew what I was agreeing to when I got married. *He's a good husband, I'm just a bad wife. I just need to learn to deal with it....and stop thinking about it all the time..*.





addiro said:


> If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. *I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess*.


OK a few thoughts. 

On a very basic level people are social creatures, which is why most get married. You are not getting a significant portion of your needs met by your H. That is not a marriage worth having. 

All human beings are worthy of living a "good life." That doesn't mean fine wine and romantic dinning out. It means basic needs being meet and a chance at happiness. 

You really need to work on fixing yourself and bringing happiness and accomplishments into your life. Start with some affirmations, "I am a good person worthy of being desired, respected and loved by a man who will cherish me." Get the MW Davis book Divorce Busting. Get back into therapy.

If you don't value yourself and what you bring to the "marriage" then why should he. 

Your saying nothing out of fear isn't going to make your life better. You need to sit down with him and calmly say that your marriage is in crisis, that you value it, but that the two of you must change things for the better. Then say you are willing to work on changing yourself ....and see what he says.

Good Luck


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

addiro said:


> He doesn't abuse me... If there were a "whose a better spouse" contest, he'd win. Even still. I knew what I was agreeing to when I got married. He's a good husband, I'm just a bad wife. I just need to learn to deal with it....and stop thinking about it all the time...


From what you have told us he's not a good husband. 

My first wife was horrible. She was in rehab twice for alcohol addiction. She was in the hospital maybe 4 or 5 times for alcohol poisoning. Then she had private paramedics over at the house more times than I can count for IVs and detox. When she was drunk she was angry. I had to take my son and run off to hotels more times than I can count. We had sex rarely and she even refused to sleep in the same bed. Once she got drunk and started hitting her daughter when she flushed the toilet and it got plugged an overflowed. I had to stop her by holding her arms, but but then she called 9/11 but thought better of it and hung up. The police came anyway and she realized what she had done and refused to say anything. They arrested me anyway because I refused to go and leave her alone with her daughter. I spent 3 days in jail with no charges filed. Also it really didn't matter if she was sad or happy, she still drunk. Finally I found out she was cheating on me so I got divorced. If I wasn't such a wimp back then I would have done it years before but I didn't want to upset my life. Big mistake.

Still I never cheated because I have my own personal code of honor and it doesn't matter what someone else does. It's for me. So now tell me how bad a wife you are. Are you really that bad or are you in denial and trying to justify his cheating so you can avoid getting a divorce?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@addiro why did you get divorced? Why does that have any bearing on your current situation?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

addiro said:


> He doesn't abuse me...


Uhmmm, he abuses you plenty.

You are so used to his behavior you view it as normal and look only to his good behavior while turning a blind eye to the ways he openly mistreat you.

If you think you're being a bad wife, then OK... Learn from past mistakes, but don't use that as an excuse to allow this man to carry on as he is. This is not how you behave in a marriage. So the marriage needs to end or he needs to stop this behavior and focus on repairing the relationship with you.

You'll be stuck in limbo hell crying every night. Do you really want that?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@addiro,

Sometimes our need to not even consider divorce requires that we see our spouses as "good" people. Or conversely, ourselves as "bad" ones. And it all becomes a self-reinforcing cycle.

Being cheated on is the most emotionally painful experience that I have ever had. I haven't been the best of wives, or the best of people. But I didn't deserve what my husband's decisions made me feel. I honestly believe that no-one does. My husband chose transitory pleasure at the cost of my pain, and his ego over my stability and health. In my worst hours, I have wished this back onto the OW. (I have enough empathy not to want that most of the time.) But even in my worst hours, I did not wish it on my husband - because I have loved him and he is my children's father. I also know that revenge won't actually make me feel any better. I cannot imagine any relationship "sin" so great that it would somehow make infidelity acceptable. 

If your husband was as good a person as you say, if he had integrity and strength, then he would still have respect - both for you and himself. And he would end your marriage before going outside of it. Infidelity is about acting without honour or integrity. It is about stepping completely outside the promises that we have made - as much to ourselves as to another. If that is how he is acting, what keeps you with him? Perhaps more honestly - your words are full of pain and your feelings of abandonment very clear. Do you really choose this life over the alternatives? Whatever they may be?


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

sokillme said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess.
> ...


I don't want to... I don't like to talk about it, especially with a group of strangers and for it to be permanently plastered on the internet. I don't think my story changes how to deal with it... without divorcing...


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > sokillme said:
> ...


Giving a detailed explanation of why he cheats would result in all of these replies turning into, you shouldn't be married or he shouldn't have married you. I already know that.... I don't need to keep hearing it. 

He's happy sometimes. So am I. When he's with me, physically, mentally, we're usually happy. In a way, he did go and find someone (or ones....) better. He's still with me because he's trying. He's not as bad as he's being made out to be... I'm not just saying that because I love him.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess.
> ...


I haven't done anything on purpose. I'm just not enough for him, or anyone evidently. He hasn't done anything wrong... (except maybe marry me, some would say. Some have said...). I don't give him what he needs, or any man would need.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @addiro why did you get divorced? Why does that have any bearing on your current situation?


My divorce was caused by the same reason my husband is cheating on me. Its a cycle that keeps repeating even though I've tried so hard to not let it happen again. It feels like horrible déjà vu.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

addiro said:


> It's not my first rodeo... I think he knows that I know...


He doesn't care that you know.

Do you know why?

Because you're still there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

addiro said:


> My divorce was caused by the same reason my husband is cheating on me. Its a cycle that keeps repeating even though I've tried so hard to not let it happen again. It feels like horrible déjà vu.


Then it sounds like YOU should be doing something to fix YOU. Like therapy. Are you?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok so you are not having sex with him?


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > My divorce was caused by the same reason my husband is cheating on me. Its a cycle that keeps repeating even though I've tried so hard to not let it happen again. It feels like horrible déjà vu.
> ...


I'm aware that I'm the problem.... I am in therapy and have been for a very long time. It doesn't 100% fix everything... That doesn't mean I'll stop trying..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now see, I did NOT say that you are the PROBLEM. I said that you should be working on you. Big difference. 

Do you always take blame for things?


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> Now see, I did NOT say that you are the PROBLEM. I said that you should be working on you. Big difference.
> 
> Do you always take blame for things?


I do when I'm the one to blame. In this case I am...


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

turnera said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > It's not my first rodeo... I think he knows that I know...
> ...


Maybe he doesn't know that I know...


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

addiro said:


> I don't want to... I don't like to talk about it, especially with a group of strangers and for it to be permanently plastered on the internet. I don't think my story changes how to deal with it... without divorcing...


You are anonymous, but that's your choice. I think getting good advice for this sort of thing is difficult, especially over the internet and even more especially if those tying to give you advice don't have the whole story. I'd day it's near impossible under those circumstances.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

toblerone said:


> If he's cheating on you and you deserve it, why bother posting here?


I was asking how to deal with it... deserving or not... Never mind. Posting here was a mistake... Sorry.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Yea I don't think you understand why I posted that.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

He's a grown ass man. The solution to marriage problems is NOT sticking your penis inside of another woman. That's all on HIM, not you. You sound so emotionally dejected. It hurts my heart to think what kind of emotional abuse and manipulation you have dealt with to feel like you do not deserve better. You want help in COPING with this? Why not help in stopping this? You are so desperate to hold on to the title of wife that you are willing to sit down and take this. 

What would you want for your daughter? I'm not sure if you have one, but if you did, would you tell her that maintaining her marriage status is more important than her emotional well being? 

Posting here was not a mistake. Expecting adults to encourage you to stick around and just deal with this, without putting up one hell of a fight, is the only mistake you have made here. We want our forum friends to be in healthy relationships; not putting up with abuse (and yes, having an affair is emotional abuse on your spouse- and I say this as a FORMER wayward spouse myself).


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

addiro said:


> I don't want to... I don't like to talk about it, especially with a group of strangers and for it to be permanently plastered on the internet. I don't think my story changes how to deal with it... without divorcing...


If you don't explain the problem, people will use their imaginations to fill in the blanks. I have to assume he woke up with you holding a knife to his penis every night for a year and cheating is his way of coping with that. Seems plausible to me.

Do you want the cheating to stop?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This post is to cryptic to give any kind of meaningful advice.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

@addiro

Do you have children with your husband? 

I think it's pretty hard for people to give advice when 

1. They don't know the whole story. It sounds like, according to you, that you've played a major role in the current status of the marriage. Without knowing what role you played, it's difficult to help. You sound extremely hard on yourself and we truly don't know if what you've done justifies how this has played out. Some will take the stance that regardless of what you've done, spouses shouldn't stray. 

2. You're talking to a lot of folks that have been cheated on and it has either destroyed their marriage or is in the process of destroying their marriage. This is triggering for them. Many will say that you can never go back to a healthy marriage once cheating happens. 

While you're frustrated with the responses you're getting, please keep in mind your audience. Take what you want, toss the rest away. Filter through it. 

Would you be okay with just opening up the marriage?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP - its fine to not want to share details , but it makes giving advice difficult. For example if you are a wonderful wife, do all the things expected in a marriage and hare happy to try to please him in bed, then he has no valid reasons to cheat. OTOH, if you had lots of sex before you were married in order to trap him then stopped as soon as you got the ring, then I really can't fault him very much. If one or the other of you is gay, that changes things significantly. In that case you either need to divorce, or agree to some sort of open relationship. 



In answer to your original question, if I found out my wife was cheating, my actions would be:

1) Find out *why*. Not looking for excuses, or reducing blame, but trying to understand. I believe that if someone cheats, they will continue to do so unless the reasons for their cheating go away. "reasons" don't need to be valid - a "reason" could be that they are just selfish and abusive. 

2) Talk to them. Lay out the options. What those options are depends on you and what you will accept. For me, in my situation they would be "I know you are cheating". If you would like we can try an open marriage for a year where we are both free to sleep with anyone we want. Or we can divorce. The only way I would believe a claim that they would not cheat again is if the *reason* for the cheating went away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

toblerone said:


> Yea I don't think you understand why I posted that.


That post was deleted because it was unhelpful.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

addiro said:


> If I don't do anything about it then I'm allowing it to continue, which is (in one way or another) giving him permission. He knows I'd let him get away with it... We haven't specifically discussed having an "open" marriage, we also haven't not discussed it though. I don't want to get divorced again...


Sorry you are going thru this.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

addiro said:


> I was asking how to deal with it... deserving or not... Never mind. Posting here was a mistake... Sorry.


I don’t know how you can deal with it if you are not wired to. 

Some people are able to go along with their spouse doing this. I don’t think you will ever be able to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

addiro, you seem to have a tendency to put yourself down. Why is that? What was your childhood like?


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > I don't want to... I don't like to talk about it, especially with a group of strangers and for it to be permanently plastered on the internet. I don't think my story changes how to deal with it... without divorcing...
> ...


I'm anonymous right now... not so much when I start detailing out my life and what's wrong in my marriage. I don't want someone to recognize what I'm saying. At what point is the whole story needed or just nosey? 

What do I need to share? Actually need...


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

I think you've said plenty.

Your husband is openly cheating in front of you and you are unwilling or unable to do anything about it.

He's not going to change his behavior, because he has no reason to. He's got the comforts of home, a wife who cooks and cleans up after him and gives him sex when one or more of his other affair partners aren't around. 

Until and unless he decides he'd rather be with one of them, in which case he will be the one to leave. 

You seem to have low self esteem which is crippling you and your ability to see the harm in continuing with this situation. 

I suggest a different therapist.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

addiro,
From what we can see, you're sitting in a fire asking us for advice on how to take away the pain from the burns. 
We want to focus on helping you either douse the fire, or get the hell out of it. 
Otherwise the burns are just going to keep coming.

If you don't feel safe sharing the details, can you at least explain what is keeping you with him right now? 
Can you function without him (financially/logistically)?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You can keep it very generic, and its also OK to change details to make it more difficult to match. 

My name isn't Uhtred. I'm a slightly different age, married a slightly different number of years than I claim (both small changes). My job isn't quite what I said (but similar), same for my wife's job.

What would help us is to understand what makes you seem to blame yourself and to tolerate his behavior. There may be very good reasons, but without a little more information its very difficult for us to understand what is going on. 

What we see is a woman who's husband cheats, and who seems to blame herself? Did he catch you cheating? Are you a lesbian? Is he an abusive monster who beats you? Is he cheating with other men? There are just so many possibilities that is difficult to get a picture of what is going on.






addiro said:


> I'm anonymous right now... not so much when I start detailing out my life and what's wrong in my marriage. I don't want someone to recognize what I'm saying. At what point is the whole story needed or just nosey?
> 
> What do I need to share? Actually need...


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> You can keep it very generic, and its also OK to change details to make it more difficult to match.
> 
> My name isn't Uhtred. I'm a slightly different age, married a slightly different number of years than I claim (both small changes). My job isn't quite what I said (but similar), same for my wife's job.
> 
> ...


I blame myself because it's all caused by my own problems. It was my problems that started all of ours. I shouldn't have married him, or anyone, and should have just accepted that I should be alone. I have known him all of my adult life, he knew what he was getting into. I didn't hide anything from him. Unlike him, though, I had been down this road before. He hadn't, not really. He saw it, he was my ex-husbands close friend. He's sleeping with other women because we're not sleeping together. The options are that I hang onto him as long as he will let me, or go through another divorce for the same reasons.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I liked my wife's simple answer when asked what she'd do if I ever cheated on her:

"I'd forgive him. And I'd take the kids to visit his grave every month."


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> addiro,
> From what we can see, you're sitting in a fire asking us for advice on how to take away the pain from the burns.
> We want to focus on helping you either douse the fire, or get the hell out of it.
> Otherwise the burns are just going to keep coming.
> ...


I could function without him if I had to... but I don't want to. I love him. He has been there for me through a lot and I don't want to imagine my life without him. I don't want to lose my husband or our kids to lose their dad. He is a much better husband and man that it's made to seem here. He has stood by my through a lot, before being a couple and after. He makes me happy and I feel safe with him. He understands me more than anyone else does. I know that I won't ever have a perfect marriage with him, but I won't with anyone. Him just loving me is more than a lot of people would do.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

ABHale said:


> I don’t know how you can deal with it if you are not wired to.
> 
> Some people are able to go along with their spouse doing this. I don’t think you will ever be able to.


I need to learn how to be able to deal with it... There has to be a way...


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

addiro said:


> I blame myself because it's all caused by my own problems. It was my problems that started all of ours. I shouldn't have married him, or anyone, and should have just accepted that I should be alone. I have known him all of my adult life, he knew what he was getting into. I didn't hide anything from him. Unlike him, though, I had been down this road before. He hadn't, not really. He saw it, he was my ex-husbands close friend. He's sleeping with other women because we're not sleeping together. The options are that I hang onto him as long as he will let me, or go through another divorce for the same reasons.


If you want advice, you are going to have to give us a bit more.
I hate to speculate but has it that you can't bring yourself to have sex due to some previous trauma??....
Help us help you.
Counselors won't always give you the brutal honestly that can sometimes help.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

poida said:


> If you want advice, you are going to have to give us a bit more.
> I hate to speculate but has it that you can't bring yourself to have sex due to some previous trauma??....
> Help us help you.
> Counselors won't always give you the brutal honestly that can sometimes help.


Yeah. We have had sex, but yes.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

addiro said:


> Yeah. We have had sex, but yes.


So, again speculating to try to help......

So you have a previous trauma, likely sexual or abuse related....
Causing you to find it hard to be emotionally open/available, communicate your feelings and engage properly in intimate situations.
You blame yourself for all of your husband's responses due to above.
You can't see yourself resolved of these issues and want to accept whatever good you can in your life, even if it involves a lot of bad.
Even if that means your husband seeks emotional and sexual satisfaction from outside the marriage.
You want readers here to approve of your current approach to the situation so that you can feel better about yourself.

OK, so the problem I see here is that your relationship does not form even the minimum requirements of a sustainable marriage.
How can your marriage possibly continue like this?
You may consider it better than nothing but your husband clearly doesn't.

Would you not be better off talking openly to your husband about the possibility of your future together and making a decision together.
If he is capable of being totally honest, he will likely say it isn't sustainable. In that case, you should plan to separate.
Which in my opinion sounds like a very good thing for you so you have space and time to work on yourself.
And it sounds like you have an awful lot of work to do.
Finally, it sounds like you may need to seek a better counselor. I would suggest your progress would be far quicker with the right counselor.

Heck at a minimum, at least make sure that everything (good and bad) about your marriage is out in the open. 

Even a bad marriage should maintain the minimum standards of being amicable and not lying to each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Were your parents super religious?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is the lack of sex by your choice or his? If yours - are there things he could do to make you want sex with him, or do you not want sex under any conditions. If you never want sex, was he aware of this before you were married? 

If you don't want sex with him ever, why are you concerned if he is having sex with someone else? Can't you make the marriage officially "open"? 




addiro said:


> I blame myself because it's all caused by my own problems. It was my problems that started all of ours. I shouldn't have married him, or anyone, and should have just accepted that I should be alone. I have known him all of my adult life, he knew what he was getting into. I didn't hide anything from him. Unlike him, though, I had been down this road before. He hadn't, not really. He saw it, he was my ex-husbands close friend. He's sleeping with other women because we're not sleeping together. The options are that I hang onto him as long as he will let me, or go through another divorce for the same reasons.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

addiro said:


> I shouldn't have married him, or anyone, and should have just accepted that I should be alone.


Ok, here's my take, and given your resistant nature, take it for whatever it is worth to you. It seems that you are someone who don't live in the present. You live in the past and future, but today us non-existent to you. I shouldn't have married him. I won't leave him. Ok, we learned what was and what will be, but you you refuse to do anything to deal with what is. 

What is, is you sitting up crying. You feeling this way. Your wondering, your self hatred, your continual need to be with him despite a) him cheating on you and b) you being a "bad" wife to him. Assuming he didn't cheat, why would he stay with you? Why would you continue to be a "bad" wife to him and stay with him? Isn't that unfair to him? 

The thing is you KNOW what you should be. You seem too weak to get there. Maybe you never will. It's easier to allow inertia to win. You can act like like it's a waste to post here. It is. You have no control over the present you. Only the past and the future you...


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

@addiro

I’ve been struggling with similar questions. The conclusion I have come to is that the only way to truly accept infidelity and continue to live with it is to close off your heart so that it stops inflicting fresh wounds every single day. Problem with that is that closing off the heart ultimately kills any love that remains — at least for me. That is not a life I want to live and certainly not the example I want to set for our children.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

This is why I didn't want to post details... People don't understand and I get told that I'm not trying enough, I don't care enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm a bad person for being with him, I shouldn't care what he does if I won't do anything for him. I know that he deserves better than me... I know that my ex deserved better than me...and he got it. I've never stopped trying.... the easy way out could have been taken years ago.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think people don't understand because they have some, but not enough information. 

You've said its your fault. Posters have to believe that because they have no other information to go on. My guess is that its NOT really your fault - but I can't tell. 

We try to imagine situations where someone would blame themselves and still want to remain married to someone who was openly cheating. There are not a lot of situations where this makes sense - so we imagine the rare cases where it might. 

You know what is going on, so some of the comments will seem wrong, possibly offensive because other posters don't know the situation. 

Most people here really are trying to help. 






addiro said:


> This is why I didn't want to post details... People don't understand and I get told that I'm not trying enough, I don't care enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm a bad person for being with him, I shouldn't care what he does if I won't do anything for him. I know that he deserves better than me... I know that my ex deserved better than me...and he got it. I've never stopped trying.... the easy way out could have been taken years ago.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

I have known my husband for about 20 years. We have been together for 5 years, but close for a lot longer than that. My husband knew about the problems I have long before we became a couple. He didn't have any false ideas that things would get better. We have had sex. We started having sex before we were a couple. The sex we have isn't frequent enough and isn't a good enough quality. At this point, he doesn't initiate sex so it doesn't happen. It's been months. I don't initiate because if I can't do it he's left frustrated and I feel worse. I want to have sex with my husband. I love him so much and I want that with him. I've had good sex before with my ex, I know what I'm missing. What we're missing. 

I married my ex-husband right after high school. In the vaguest terms, I was sexually assaulted in university. It wasn't a one time, one person thing. I was living away from family and friends, no one knew what was going on. I am long since out of university. I have been in therapy for most of the time since. I have done different types of therapy. EMDR, exposure, stress inoculation, talk therapy, sex therapy, surrogate therapy. Some were more successful than others. Most have helped immensely. Helped, being the keyword, not cured. 

I still have triggers but most I can acknowledge and move on. Some triggers have stopped totally. I can live my life like a pretty normal human being. It's sex that I still have problems with. I can do it. I can usually handle myself through it, but I don't enjoy it. My mind wanders to other thoughts as soon as I'm touched. I can never get into it. There is no pleasure. I want to have sex with my husband, and we have. I want to be able to enjoy it with him and for him to enjoy it. He's not comfortable having sex with me when I'm not into it. So he goes elsewhere. 

We've gone to sex therapy together, and yes we should go back. We've tried things. He lost interest in trying, and it's obvious why... It's far easier with other women. I don't really blame him... 

Open enough...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

We get that you are convinced that you are to blame for all the ills that happen around you. *I* am convinced you were making your reasoning to us as vague as possible because you *know* you have trouble justifying it to others. You're afraid of us pointing out that you're not actually a bad person.

What I was getting at before is: You've spent a lot of time trying to justify your comments about how you're the worstest person in the world and you deserve all this ****. But, that contradicts directly with the fact that you _know_ a cheating husband is a bad thing, _and_ you feel bad about it.

To me, it's a form of cognitive dissonance. The fact that you feel bad about being cheated on is weighing against your lack of self-worth.

There's a part of you that _knows_ better. That part of you is telling you that the cheating is bull****.

Depression is totally amazing in that it always finds every justification it can to make you feel like ****. It will search for reasons to prove itself when they aren't there, and reinterpret things so they are worse.

I know saying "stop the self defeating attitude" won't help, because it won't. Depression already has a shield against that ****.

My deleted post was a very abrasive way of pointing out how incongruous the thoughts in your post are. As far as I'm concerned, the two can't be true.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

addiro said:


> I blame myself because it's all caused by my own problems. It was my problems that started all of ours. I shouldn't have married him, or anyone, and should have just accepted that I should be alone. I have known him all of my adult life, he knew what he was getting into. I didn't hide anything from him. Unlike him, though, I had been down this road before. He hadn't, not really. He saw it, he was my ex-husbands close friend. He's sleeping with other women because we're not sleeping together. The options are that I hang onto him as long as he will let me, or go through another divorce for the same reasons.


I am being serious when I ask this question, if he loves you and can't have intimate contact with you, has he not considered masturbation?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

addiro said:


> If he weren't married to me he wouldn't cheat. It's my fault, really... If he came here you'd likely tell him that he should leave me and never should have married me. He's a better man than he seems. Even with cheating. I've been in therapy longer than you'd guess.


You need a new therapist!

Even IF you have made errors in life - no marriage should have to endure blatant cheating while accepting it as reasonable.

Your perspective is skewed if you think his cheating is ok.

What have you done that makes you think you deserve such poor treatment from him?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That makes it clear, thank you.

Clearly this isn't your "fault" in any way - you were assaulted and you haven't recovered from that assault. You have gone to therapy - clearly the right thing in this case. I'm sorry it hasn't helped more. 

He probably deep down didn't understand the issues - even though you explained it to him. That doesn't make his cheating OK, but it provides an explanation. 

I think couples therapy may be the best idea. 

You also need to think. If he is not willing to live without sex (despite having thought he was willing to when you got married), would you rather he divorce, or have an open marriage? 

You are not to blame for any of this, you are the victim. 








addiro said:


> I have known my husband for about 20 years. We have been together for 5 years, but close for a lot longer than that. My husband knew about the problems I have long before we became a couple. He didn't have any false ideas that things would get better. We have had sex. We started having sex before we were a couple. The sex we have isn't frequent enough and isn't a good enough quality. At this point, he doesn't initiate sex so it doesn't happen. It's been months. I don't initiate because if I can't do it he's left frustrated and I feel worse. I want to have sex with my husband. I love him so much and I want that with him. I've had good sex before with my ex, I know what I'm missing. What we're missing.
> 
> I married my ex-husband right after high school. In the vaguest terms, I was sexually assaulted in university. It wasn't a one time, one person thing. I was living away from family and friends, no one knew what was going on. I am long since out of university. I have been in therapy for most of the time since. I have done different types of therapy. EMDR, exposure, stress inoculation, talk therapy, sex therapy, surrogate therapy. Some were more successful than others. Most have helped immensely. Helped, being the keyword, not cured.
> 
> ...


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

addiro,
It is impossible for me to imagine what is going on within you and inside your marriage because of what you went through. What I do know be true is this:

Pain from infidelity has two sides - the first comes from knowing about one's spouse sharing intimacy with an outside person, and the second comes from the lying and deceit (even by omission) that such action requires. In my experience, the deceit causes the bigger part of the pain because it replaces the one you trust with the one you cannot trust. 

If your husband is not strong enough to manage his physical needs within your marriage, that isn't your fault. (Although given the circumstances that you have described, I suspect some might have some sympathy for him.) But what he is currently doing to meet those needs is not morally right. Which means that he is not just hurting you, he is also ultimately damaging himself. You are seeing your situation as unsolvable. But your pain is telling you that closing your eyes and pretending that this isn't happening is not going to work. I believe that the healthiest thing that you can do right now (for both of you) is to confront this and talk to him. Perhaps in the safety of a couple's therapy session? By doing that, at least half of your pain can be openly addressed with mutual honesty. At the very least, it may reveal possible solutions that haven't yet occurred to either of you.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> addiro said:
> 
> 
> > I blame myself because it's all caused by my own problems. It was my problems that started all of ours. I shouldn't have married him, or anyone, and should have just accepted that I should be alone. I have known him all of my adult life, he knew what he was getting into. I didn't hide anything from him. Unlike him, though, I had been down this road before. He hadn't, not really. He saw it, he was my ex-husbands close friend. He's sleeping with other women because we're not sleeping together. The options are that I hang onto him as long as he will let me, or go through another divorce for the same reasons.
> ...


He does masturbate. 2-3x a week... He has expressed that he doesn't feel wanted. We haven't had any sexual contact in months because he lost interest in trying. We don't have other forms of contact as much anymore either (cuddling, kissing, massage, etc.). He's lost interest. I know that's my fault... for not being able to get over it.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

Mizzbak said:


> addiro,
> It is impossible for me to imagine what is going on within you and inside your marriage because of what you went through. What I do know be true is this:
> 
> Pain from infidelity has two sides - the first comes from knowing about one's spouse sharing intimacy with an outside person, and the second comes from the lying and deceit (even by omission) that such action requires. In my experience, the deceit causes the bigger part of the pain because it replaces the one you trust with the one you cannot trust.
> ...


For me, right now and it could change I guess, him having intimacy with other women is worse than the lying. I always worried about him cheating, even when he wasn't. It wasn't exactly a surprise when I figured it out. He hasn't put a lot of effort into hiding it. But he him having intimacy with another woman.... I can't do the same for him. I hate that another woman or other women... do more for him, make him feel better, do more with him, experience more with him, give him more... I hate that someone else has more of him than I do. I'm terrified of him leaving for someone else. I can't do that again... 

I know that's he's cheating, it's obvious to me... but I don't want to hear him say it. It makes it seem far more real than it does now. I can't pretend otherwise once those words come out of his mouth. There is a small worry that I'm wrong... and accusing him of cheating will do more damage. 

I don't think I could get him to go to a therapy session at this point. He's always been very willing to do anything, but the last few months have been bad... I can try. Knowing him I think he'd rather I confront him at home so we can deal with it in private. 

I don't really 'blame' him for cheating... I get it... It hurts and I wish it could stop, but I get it...


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> That makes it clear, thank you.
> 
> Clearly this isn't your "fault" in any way - you were assaulted and you haven't recovered from that assault. You have gone to therapy - clearly the right thing in this case. I'm sorry it hasn't helped more.
> 
> ...


I think he did understand. He knew everything. I didn't just tell him, he saw it all as an outsider before we ever thought about being together. He was my ex husbands best friend. He was who my ex vented to. He was there through all of it. He use to tell my ex to end our marriage, because he didn't understand why my ex would stay with me. He watched my marriage crumble. After my divorce he was always there for me. He's my best friend... He knows and understands more than my ex ever did.

Neither of us thought we'd have a sex less marriage. Neither of us planned for that. We had sex before we were officially a couple. We didn't have great sex, but we had it. If I had to guess I'd say it was once a month, sometimes more when we were trying various things. He lost interest in it, with me....

After the amount of time it's been, sex shouldn't be a problem for me. The amount of time, effort, money, pain, put into "healing" should have worked. It Is my fault for getting into another marriage after my first fell apart for similar reasons, much worse but similar. I don't want a divorce or open marriage... I can't imagine having an open marriage, even though I basically do.... Happily letting him walk out the door to be with someone else.... Knowing I'm agreeing with what he's doing... I can't complain about the hurt if I'm giving him my blessing like that. But he's my best friend... I love him so much and don't want to lose him. As much as it doesn't seem like here, he's a really good man and I'm lucky to have him. I can't lose him... Divorce guarantees that. An open marriage basically guarantees it as well... Its like giving him a hall pass until he finds someone else and I'm just a placeholder for someone else. Again...

If he's lost interest, how do I get him to agree to therapy and participate fully.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

addiro said:


> I have known my husband for about 20 years. We have been together for 5 years, but close for a lot longer than that. My husband knew about the problems I have long before we became a couple. He didn't have any false ideas that things would get better. We have had sex. We started having sex before we were a couple. The sex we have isn't frequent enough and isn't a good enough quality. At this point, he doesn't initiate sex so it doesn't happen. It's been months. I don't initiate because if I can't do it he's left frustrated and I feel worse. I want to have sex with my husband. I love him so much and I want that with him. I've had good sex before with my ex, I know what I'm missing. What we're missing.
> 
> I married my ex-husband right after high school. In the vaguest terms, I was sexually assaulted in university. It wasn't a one time, one person thing. I was living away from family and friends, no one knew what was going on. I am long since out of university. I have been in therapy for most of the time since. I have done different types of therapy. EMDR, exposure, stress inoculation, talk therapy, sex therapy, surrogate therapy. Some were more successful than others. Most have helped immensely. Helped, being the keyword, not cured.
> 
> ...


:crying:

I am terribly sorry for you. You have to talk to him though. It's not right for him to cheat on you. If he can't handle it he should at least be honest with you. Not change the deal without your input. 

Have you tried to push through? Continue to have sex like daily? Maybe if you kept doing it it would get easier? If you can't don't but what I am saying is maybe you have to look at it like learning to play the piano, like you may not be good at it for a while but if you keep doing it you will get a little better every time and before you know it you will be playing songs. 

That would require both of you being strong enough not taking daily disappointments as failures but just part of the work to fix stuff. 

Just a thought.


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

addiro said:


> I think he did understand. He knew everything. I didn't just tell him, he saw it all as an outsider before we ever thought about being together. He was my ex husbands best friend. He was who my ex vented to. He was there through all of it. He use to tell my ex to end our marriage, because he didn't understand why my ex would stay with me. He watched my marriage crumble. After my divorce he was always there for me. He's my best friend... He knows and understands more than my ex ever did.
> 
> Neither of us thought we'd have a sex less marriage. Neither of us planned for that. We had sex before we were officially a couple. We didn't have great sex, but we had it. If I had to guess I'd say it was once a month, sometimes more when we were trying various things. He lost interest in it, with me....
> 
> ...




I am so sorry you are going through this. I am also an abuse survivor — multiple times from multiple men from age 11 to 18. I was treated by the men in my family as though all of this was my fault — because of course an 11 year old in a swimming pool is being deliberately provocative, of course an 18 year old should know a close family friend will abduct her for over 2 weeks. I truly understand how this type of experience can make it so incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to feel safe enough to be vulnerable in intimate situations. 

SoKillMe suggested “pushing through” and although the phrasing may sound callous, I think it could be a breakthrough — but only if done in a controlled setting with professional help available for you both. My H has said that after a flashback or trigger he is hesitant to touch me at all because he’s worried that he’ll make it worse. Could your H feel that way also? I know at one time there were “workshops” for couples who were struggling with the ripple effects that sexual abuse inflicts, a healing retreat with dedicated support staff to assist both the abuse survivor as well as their spouse in working through the obstacles standing in the way of true marital intimacy, sexual and otherwise. 

I so wish I had more to offer for you and your H! Although a lot of people are just unable to grasp the long reaching and insidious nature of sexual abuse, it sounds like your H does understand that but the fear of making things worse for you may be leaving him overwhelmed and paralyzed. 

Please feel free to PM me at anytime for any reason — I can be a pretty good listener and a safe place to vent. 

Gentle {{{hugs}}}, @addiro


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

addiro said:


> I have known my husband for about 20 years. We have been together for 5 years, but close for a lot longer than that. My husband knew about the problems I have long before we became a couple. He didn't have any false ideas that things would get better. We have had sex. We started having sex before we were a couple. The sex we have isn't frequent enough and isn't a good enough quality. At this point, he doesn't initiate sex so it doesn't happen. It's been months. I don't initiate because if I can't do it he's left frustrated and I feel worse. I want to have sex with my husband. I love him so much and I want that with him. I've had good sex before with my ex, I know what I'm missing. What we're missing.
> 
> I married my ex-husband right after high school. In the vaguest terms, I was sexually assaulted in university. It wasn't a one time, one person thing. I was living away from family and friends, no one knew what was going on. I am long since out of university. I have been in therapy for most of the time since. I have done different types of therapy. EMDR, exposure, stress inoculation, talk therapy, sex therapy, surrogate therapy. Some were more successful than others. Most have helped immensely. Helped, being the keyword, not cured.
> 
> ...


I don’t think you can be cured, trauma like this just fades away. I’m truly sorry for what you went through. I know it probably sounds like lip service. I think you should keep going to IC or see a mental health professional not because you want to be cured but you want to be a better you. 

Your husband is meant to be your safe refuge and he’s not. Yes you’re not fulfilling him sexually but he’s also not fulfilling his role as a husband by cheating on you. The difference is you have experienced trauma that is not your own doing but he hasn’t chosen to cheat with another woman. 

Keep working on your self worth and don’t let it depend on a man.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For many people, masturbation really isn't the same as sex at all. Not blaming you in any way - just information. 

Having lived in a long term near sexless marriage I can say that if you are unable to have sex with the person you love, casual affection can become intensely frustrating - a reminder of what you are missing. My wife has never understood this and also wonders why I don't want to cuddle as much as we once did. 

Its sort of like being hungry and sitting down in front of a wonderful dinner, but not being allowed to eat.

Again, not blaming you - you are recovering from assault and trauma. Not your fault. Just pointing out how it may feel to him. 



addiro said:


> He does masturbate. 2-3x a week... He has expressed that he doesn't feel wanted. We haven't had any sexual contact in months because he lost interest in trying. We don't have other forms of contact as much anymore either (cuddling, kissing, massage, etc.). He's lost interest. I know that's my fault... for not being able to get over it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You say you had sex before you married. Did it decline because you were having more problems with your trauma, or did he start pulling away. Or did he pull away because he recognized that sex was difficult for you. 

You are in a bad situation now. Both of you are unhappy. That is a good reason for you both to want therapy. 





addiro said:


> I think he did understand. He knew everything. I didn't just tell him, he saw it all as an outsider before we ever thought about being together. He was my ex husbands best friend. He was who my ex vented to. He was there through all of it. He use to tell my ex to end our marriage, because he didn't understand why my ex would stay with me. He watched my marriage crumble. After my divorce he was always there for me. He's my best friend... He knows and understands more than my ex ever did.
> 
> Neither of us thought we'd have a sex less marriage. Neither of us planned for that. We had sex before we were officially a couple. We didn't have great sex, but we had it. If I had to guess I'd say it was once a month, sometimes more when we were trying various things. He lost interest in it, with me....
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

addiro said:


> I know that's my fault... for not being able to get over it.


That's victim talk. Stop it. NObody can tell someone else how or how soon they should get over something harmful. 

IMO, what you really need is a change in your life. Something to accomplish. Something to look forward to. Something that makes you feel proud and capable. Like taking up running. Or learning how to make pottery. Or heading up a Habitat for Humanity group. SOMEthing. Change your life and you will change your outlook.


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## addiro (Dec 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> You say you had sex before you married. Did it decline because you were having more problems with your trauma, or did he start pulling away. Or did he pull away because he recognized that sex was difficult for you.
> 
> You are in a bad situation now. Both of you are unhappy. That is a good reason for you both to want therapy.
> 
> ...


We were having sex before marriage/being together. It was more often in the beginning, I think that's normal for most couples. He started pulling away and the frequency declined. It was a slow decline to now, going months without. He has said what you said, being close in other ways is frustrating. The complete stop happened around the same time I started noticing that he was going out more, not answering his phone, hiding his phone, clearing it, etc. He says he doesn't like having sex with me when he knows I'm not into it. And, he said it in different words, but basically it's not amazing sex so he only initiated when he really needed it.

I know masturbation isn't the same as sex. I never expected him to just use that, I also didn't expect to be totally sexless. He's a very touchy/feely, affectionate, clingy man - usually. He needs more than just the release.

We're in this spot now where he has no interest in me (physically). The longer he went without initiating anything the worse I felt and the harder it gets for me to be okay to do it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The need to feel wanted to definitely a legitimate need. What can you do about that short of having sex? Are there other ways you can express that?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

turnera said:


> That's victim talk. Stop it. NObody can tell someone else how or how soon they should get over something harmful.
> 
> 
> 
> IMO, what you really need is a change in your life. Something to accomplish. Something to look forward to. Something that makes you feel proud and capable. Like taking up running. Or learning how to make pottery. Or heading up a Habitat for Humanity group. SOMEthing. Change your life and you will change your outlook.




Also, depending on where you are in your recovery, helping others who have been through what you have can be incredibly empowering. My oldest was abused by a family member of my XH when she was under the age of 5 — she’s now a college freshman and helps with an abuse crisis site. She says that more than anything has allowed her to become comfortable with the vulnerability that intimacy requires. Discussion boards, chat rooms, #metoo sites — there are many ways to become involved and you can do it as slowly as you need to. Just a thought


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

addiro said:


> He hasn't straight out said that he's sleeping with someone else but he doesn't put a lot of effort into hiding it either. He's "out" right now. As soon as he gets home he's going to get in the shower, then put his clothes in the laundry, then sleep in the spare bedroom or his office. On nights when he doesn't go out, none of that happens. He no longer tries to have intimacy with me, he's getting it elsewhere... It's the waiting for him to come home... The wondering what he's doing... Sitting up all night crying, wanting him to come home. Not being able to talk to the one person I need to talk to. Wanting him to need me, not her. Sometimes he will stay overnight at a friends house because he drank too much, he doesn't drink... He goes to his office when he's not working, closes his door and locks it. Hides his phone, clears his history. Takes phone calls in private. It's not my first rodeo... I think he knows that I know...


*For as long as you are playing “Ostrich” and have your head firmly buried under the sand, you will be getting nowhere fast!

You need to throw your security with him to the wind and be ending this charade of a marriage! You are now nothingmore than his Plan B, but when he finally finds his Plan A, he will have absolutely no trouble in kicking you to the curb in a bloody mess!

Get out of this toxic relationship with him like yesterday, don’t get weak and sleep with him hoping to get him back into your arms that way!

Go see a good family attorney and be appropriately advised of your marital and long-term property rights!*


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you are saying that he has pulled away from you sexually rather than the other way around, that puts this in a different light. If your behavior didn't change and his did, then that is clearly not in any way your fault. 




addiro said:


> We were having sex before marriage/being together. It was more often in the beginning, I think that's normal for most couples. He started pulling away and the frequency declined. It was a slow decline to now, going months without. He has said what you said, being close in other ways is frustrating. The complete stop happened around the same time I started noticing that he was going out more, not answering his phone, hiding his phone, clearing it, etc. He says he doesn't like having sex with me when he knows I'm not into it. And, he said it in different words, but basically it's not amazing sex so he only initiated when he really needed it.
> 
> I know masturbation isn't the same as sex. I never expected him to just use that, I also didn't expect to be totally sexless. He's a very touchy/feely, affectionate, clingy man - usually. He needs more than just the release.
> 
> We're in this spot now where he has no interest in me (physically). The longer he went without initiating anything the worse I felt and the harder it gets for me to be okay to do it.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

I know what its like to be so utterly terrified of divorce (another one) that you allow toxic behavior. However with that being said, its the opposite of "healthy". By allowing or at the very least, accepting it is counter productive. 
You cannot just "cope with it". 
It will never happen. 

I cannot accept that cheating is justified for any reason.


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## RonP (Dec 6, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> From what you have told us he's not a good husband.
> 
> My first wife was horrible. She was in rehab twice for alcohol addiction. She was in the hospital maybe 4 or 5 times for alcohol poisoning. Then she had private paramedics over at the house more times than I can count for IVs and detox. When she was drunk she was angry. I had to take my son and run off to hotels more times than I can count. We had sex rarely and she even refused to sleep in the same bed. Once she got drunk and started hitting her daughter when she flushed the toilet and it got plugged an overflowed. I had to stop her by holding her arms, but but then she called 9/11 but thought better of it and hung up. The police came anyway and she realized what she had done and refused to say anything. They arrested me anyway because I refused to go and leave her alone with her daughter. I spent 3 days in jail with no charges filed. Also it really didn't matter if she was sad or happy, she still drunk. Finally I found out she was cheating on me so I got divorced. If I wasn't such a wimp back then I would have done it years before but I didn't want to upset my life. Big mistake.
> 
> Still I never cheated because I have my own personal code of honor and it doesn't matter what someone else does. It's for me. So now tell me how bad a wife you are. Are you really that bad or are you in denial and trying to justify his cheating so you can avoid getting a divorce?


Oh my; how terrible. I hope you got outa Dodge.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

RonP said:


> Oh my; how terrible. I hope you got outa Dodge.


Not only am I out of Dodge but my 10 year old son finally made the decision on his own that his mom is never going going to get better. She had managed to stay on the wagon for about 6 months but then finally fell off. He called me and went and got him and he says he's not going back. She hasn't seen him for about 6 weeks now. On occasion she calls but, he says he can tell she is drunk by the sound of her voice.


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