# Husband Hiding Money



## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Hi everyone, I discovered a couple weeks ago that my husband is hiding money. I am not sure what I am looking for by posting this, maybe it will at least give me some "relief" to just at least speak about this because it's eating me up inside.

We have been married almost 20 years. I have always taken care of the finances, we have always had a joint account. Our financial situation changed significantly 1 year ago. He is the only one working right now and bringing in income. We have no savings, live paycheck to paycheck. He is very careless with money, so I had to start telling him to only buy necessities and was mentioning to him some of his needless spending as I have barely been able to buy enough groceries, never mind try to save any money for any emergencies that might come up. We have automatic payments coming out of our account and I have been extremely scared they will bounce because he's always buying something, costing us more money and bad credit. So I suggested to him that he either take a set amount out at the beginning of each week and that's all he can spend. Or open a separate bank account and i will put in there what he can spend for the week. I have mentioned about him opening an account a couple times now. 

I found out, that prior to the above discussions that he had already had an account because i was taking the garbage out and he had spilt a bunch of papers, while picking them up, I found the bank letter about his new account and all the bank information. So, he had every opportunity to tell me that he had already opened one! 

Now, what he is doing, which I only discovered about 2 weeks ago, is he is having his paycheck deposited into his "secret" account, holding back $300-$400 then transferring the remainder into our joint account as his "paycheck". He gets paid every 2 weeks, so he is keeping $600-$800 per month for himself. The account was opened in mid July (I kept the papers I found) and he started keeping money starting the very next paycheck. So July, is when he thought of this thing. I actually approached him in September/October about a separation, suggesting he should move out. Again, he had every opportunity to mention his money because of course I said we would need to save up for him to leave. I am also bringing this up, so if I mention the separation you guys won't suggest he is saving for that because he started all this prior.

Another thing, is he buys stuff now and when I question where he got the money, he says he is doing "side jobs". (And even if that were true, he should be sharing the money with me so we can save and not struggle so much)

So what is this?? I am at a total loss. is he just being selfish and not wanting to financially struggle and be able to buy his useless things, and fast food and simply waste money, and I can't say anything because I am not aware of it? When i first figured all this out entirely a couple weeks ago, I just wanted to cry. After a few days, it turned to anger. Now, I can't even think about it without feeling sick to my stomach. 

I have not confronted him about this, because...I don't even know why. I can't face it I guess. I am not strong like I used to be, he has emotionally beat me up so badly, the fact that I even was able to muster the courage to ask for a separation is amazing. (And by the way, it's as if that conversation never took place, husband does not talk about it whatsoever) He's just continuing to live his own life.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

What he is doing is, in my world, called 'financial infidelity.' He is lying to you about finances and about 'side jobs.'

Whatever his reasons for doing it, he is not trustworthy, and he does not have YOUR back.

He doesn't sound stupid, or naiive about his behavior. He knows that what he is doing is objectionable, and that is why he has kept it a secret.

You need to confront him with the receipts, and decide if you want to live with a liar and a thief.

Figure out your boundaries and act to protect them.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hi, welcome to TAM. 

Sorry you're going through this trouble. Married 20yrs and separating is indeed a struggle, emotionally, physically, and financially. 

Besides the money, what's brought the marriage to this point, to gain some addl background?

Hang in there.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You are no longer working.
You want him to move out so you can have a separation.
You wonder if he is being selfish.
Yes indeed we do need more information.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> What he is doing is, in my world, called 'financial infidelity.' He is lying to you about finances and about 'side jobs.'
> 
> Whatever his reasons for doing it, he is not trustworthy, and he does not have YOUR back.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your reply. I didn't even know Financial Fidelity was a thing. I looked it up online and read a bit, at least I know what to call it now.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would be LIVID. This is the ultimate in selfishness. NO ONE needs that kind of fun money every month, especially when going through a lean time of paycheck to paycheck! He is not being a partner. 

What happened that you are not working? Are you currently looking for employment? If not, you need to so that you can move forward with that separation. Emotional and verbal abuse are NOT ok.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

oh boy, I understand you guys want more information...to sum up 20 years, I am not sure how to start. First 3-5 were good, then it was downhill. So it's 15 or more years we have had problems. My husband does not communicate whatsoever, I have tried. So any issues we have had, are never fully resolved. Just ignored. I think that's a major problem. When I asked for a separation, he brought up something I did 15 years ago. I was shocked that he still can't get over something from so long ago, that has been discussed many, many times and I was under the impression it was over. So he hangs onto things, will not forgive me anything it seems. In his eyes, he does no wrong. I am entirely the bad one. And he blames me for everything that has gone wrong, when meanwhile, I have always seen him as the "head of the household" and have always followed his plans for our lives since we were married. In reality, it's my career that was ruined and non-existant now because of going along with his plans. But, instead, he just focuses on himself, and how wronged he has been. I posted a thread when I first joined about how I believe he is bi-polar, or some sort of mental illness. I had posted originally because I was going to confront him about my thoughts, but after much thinking and discussion with my mom...I realized that this relationship is over, has been for a long time, so I discussed separation instead.

I guess I said "selfish" because I do see him as that, he is always spending, and buying things, like he has a shopping addiction. He can't not spend. Even now, when I am struggling to buy groceries, and he is keeping money aside, he is spending $300/month on fast food. from our joint account, not even from his tucked away money. I can't even drive my vehicle anymore because it needs tires. I can't save up to buy tires, everything is spent on groceries. I buy nothing for myself, except hygenic things. We went to a financial councelling session, and I was almost in tears telling the counsellor how close I am to going to the food bank. My husband sat there not saying a word. All the while he's got this bank account with money in it!! (I wasn't aware of at the time of councelling about him keeping money aside)

We had to file bankrupty. That is why we are under financial strain and one of the reasons I am not working right now. He is not learning! He was not happy whatsoever when I was telling him he couldn't buy things, and to bring a lunch to work, rather than buying fast food. That's why I think he's hiding money now, so he can continue to buy things and freely do what he wants. All the times I talked to him about our bills, and budgeting and how we need savings. He was not interested. Did not discuss anything with me, would not help to plan or budget nothing.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Did he willingly agree to let you run the finances, or did you pressure him?


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

There is little surprise about this. Since you aren't working and he must have been anticipating a separation (even though you say you hadn't had that discussion) he felt that he deserved to have the income that he earned.

It's *very* common for both men and women, but especially for men who work when their wives don't - they subsequently expect that any settlement will be unfair.

It's not to spite you. It's just him trying to preserve some kind of balance from his perspective. 

You should discuss it with him calmly.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

I really don't think there was any pressure, when we first met we were so in love, we never argued about nothing. I took accounting in school, and he had collection agencies after him when we met, so as our relationship progressed, I helped him pay his debts off and it naturally became that I paid the bills and looked after the money once we were officially living together and married.

I should add the bankruptcy had to be done due to a failed business venture. And the if I don't work, I am cleared and can start rebuilding our credit faster. I am actually cleared just recently, while he still has under 2 years to go since he is working. It was a joint decision I don't work for this reason. But once I do get my clearance certificate, I have the problem now of no vehicle (we live 45 minutes from the city, in the countryside) and so all I can do is try to find work at home jobs. I also now have some physical problems, so work in general will be hard for me to find, I have to fit it to what I am capable of doing.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Oh, we cross posted. Thanks for the extra info. Still my above post stands.

What happened 15 years ago?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am confused as to why the bankruptcy is keeping you from working? 

(never mind, we cross posted!)

People who are this careless with their money never change. You will be in this same position 10, 20 years from now.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

brettyboo said:


> Oh, we cross posted. Thanks for the extra info. Still my above post stands.
> 
> What happened 15 years ago?



Well, I am not going to say what I did was right. But at the time, it did not seem so horrible. It's not something I would do now, I can only excuse myself by saying I was influenced by alcohol, and by my past. and I think even just immaturity. I would have been about 25. And it was more like 18 years ago, now that I am thinking about it.

I had been in a very abusive relationship prior to meeting my husband. So I was still really fragile from that. I had gone for a drink with a male co-worker after work. This was normal, at my workplace we went for drinks often after work. But this time was just me and him. I called my husband to say I would be a bit longer at the pub and he freaked out. Yelling, swearing. I remember I was shaking when I got off the phone, I was literally too scared to go home. Maybe had I not been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't have reacted that way. I ended up going back to this co-workers house until I could figure out what to do. BAD PART-> he asked me if we could go into his bedroom to talk because he was afraid we would wake up his Dad. So we did. And we were lying on his bed talking. My husband having a notion of where I was, actually peeked in his bedroom window and saw us lying on the bed. (We weren't doing anything, to be clear, just talking)


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Thanks for explaining that Molly.

I'm going to suggest that his deep trust issues with you started there, that night. If he is non-confrontational in nature he will have just bottled that up. That starts a pattern, that becomes a habit, that becomes a marriage where communication fails.

I'm sorry you're in this situation now. You seem like a reasonable person, but this is reaping what you've sewn, mistake or not, so please try to calmly discuss this and accept his perspective as valid. 

Another point ... this wont be welcome so buckle up ... 

He sees that you cheated on him, so you deserve to experience him cheating you in some way. Now the relationship has broken down this far, he feel justified in enacting that by manipulating finances.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I see you wanting to make yourself appear innocent in ALL these situations within your marriage.

When you take at LEAST your half of the responsibility you may be able to change it.

You took care of the finances yet you filed for bankruptcy... that is part your fault.

It wouldn't matter if I could "technically work" I would FIND a way to earn some money knowing I needed it to survive.

You now know you can't depend on your H at all - so only Dee d on yourself.

Pick yourself up and take action to change everything!

I'd divorce him. You don't trust nor respect him so divorce him.

You'll be better off without the worry anyway - trust me on that one - been there done that.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

brettyboo said:


> Thanks for explaining that Molly.
> 
> I'm going to suggest that his deep trust issues with you started there, that night. If he is non-confrontational in nature he will have just bottled that up. That starts a pattern, that becomes a habit, that becomes a marriage where communication fails.
> 
> ...



I don't disagree with anything you said, it makes perfect sense. But don't forget he started hiding money before I suggested separation... So just curious if that changes your opinion about him feeling justified? 

Also, curious about your opinion on something... When discussing the separation, all he did was bash me. Told me all the things that I did wrong. I kept telling him that I was wanting to discuss separation not start rehashing old wounds because I didn't want to discuss any of that because I felt we were beyond trying to fix anything. 

I asked him numerous times if he loved me, he never once answered. I told him if he really wanted to stay together we would have to go to marriage counseling. Again, silence.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> I see you wanting to make yourself appear innocent in ALL these situations within your marriage.
> 
> When you take at LEAST your half of the responsibility you may be able to change it.
> 
> ...


I don't know why some people so focused on me not working. I have worked since I was 14 years old! I took 1 and a half years off since being with my husband in which time I renovated our house! So I was not sitting around. It's only since declaring bankruptcy I have not worked. 9 months. That's it

I am not trying to make myself look innocent, I have no reason for that. I made a post about my husband hiding money because I have never experienced such a thing and not sure how to handle it, if I even want to address it. Guess I just needed someone to talk to about it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> I don't disagree with anything you said, it makes perfect sense. But don't forget he started hiding money before I suggested separation... So just curious if that changes your opinion about him feeling justified?
> 
> Also, curious about your opinion on something... When discussing the separation, all he did was bash me. Told me all the things that I did wrong. I kept telling him that I was wanting to discuss separation not start rehashing old wounds because I didn't want to discuss any of that because I felt we were beyond trying to fix anything.
> 
> I asked him numerous times if he loved me, he never once answered. I told him if he really wanted to stay together we would have to go to marriage counseling. Again, silence.


It does sound like he never really forgave and got past what happened 15 years ago. Either that or he is just a giant ass who gets enjoyment from punishing you. Hell maybe what happened didn't really even hurt him that much, but gave him awesome ammunition to throw in your face for the rest of your life. 

If there is no love, which is what it sounds like from both sides, there is no point in continuing in this.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

So your husband is a "stuffer." Is he also Passive Aggressive? He may have given in to your financial control (which you did for good reasons) but he may feel very resentful about it, because he is not thinking about the two of you as a team.

What he was doing by taking money without your agreement is called "Independent Decison" by Willard Harley in His Needs Her Needs and his other book Love Busters.

He may very well have stopped thinking about the two of you as a team when she saw you on the man's bed. I would also have a difficult time accepting any 'reasons' for that had I been him.

You made a series of bad decisions back then. Did you both get counseling to deal with it thoroughy and properly?

Now, his bringing up stuff that you did in the past when you bring up a problem that is in the present is not good or honest communication. He needs to stick to what you brought up. He does that to deflect the conversation and change the focus from him to you....and it works.

What you can tell him when he does that is say, "Now is not your turn to talk about things I have done that upset you. If you have problems with me, bring them up at a different time. Now is my time, and I need to talk about _______."

You will have to be a broken record about this. Don't let yourself get drawn in by his accusations about you, or you will be on the merry go round and get nowhere.

There is a name for what he is doing, and someone here might remember what it is so you can read up on it.

Knowledge is power. Your relationship with him can get healthier. You will have to learn what the unhealthy dynamics are in your marriage. If you change, he will either have to change too or lose you.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> But don't forget he started hiding money before I suggested separation...So just curious if that changes your opinion about him feeling justified?


No, I did note you identified that in your first post. It's about him feeling that he's been ripped off by the marriage, so he's trying to restore what he sees as balance with the only thing he can control. When you suggested separation, it only reinforced his decision.

I'd suggest you even talk with him about this, acknowledging it with some empathy. A little of that would go a long way to keeping things amicable.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

It sounds like some old issues are still unresolved in his mind, and that is why he is bringing them up. The immediate problem is that he is bringing them up at the wrong time.

Tell him to bring up each of those things separately at a different time, when you aren't already talking about something else. Tell him that you are on his side and you want to resolve all the old unresolved issues, but he has to work with you to do it in a healthy way so they can really get resolved.

If the old issues he brings up truely have been resolved, and he just brings them up to derail your conversation to get the focus on you, he is a dishonest communicator. You can't be married happily, or solve any problems with a dishonest communicator. He needs to hear you say that.

When you stop playing his games, he can't play them. But he will try until he realizes he needs to stop it if he is going to keep you. What he needs to keep you is become healthy.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

I'm going to offer a slightly different tact, up to you which way you go...

You are addressing a current issue that he feels is a result of a previous one. He can't talk to you about it in isolation. 

If you want to talk about the money and he diverts to your previous issues ... let him BUT keep it in context.

Acknowledge that he feels ripped off (from the past) and that maybe that's why he feels he needs to protect himself (now). Relate the two. Show understanding. It will be therapeutic for him to have you do this. 

Remember that if you hurt him, however long ago, that HE decides when he is healed, not you. This means talking it through as much as he needs to.

Please go gently - it will serve you well in the end.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Thank you Araucaria, Brettyboo, 3xnocharm. Some solid advice and things I need to think about. If our whole relationship has derailed due to this one thing 15 years ago, that's crazy. I didn't even know it was still on his mind until he brought it up. If I haven't been able to prove to him, all these years since then, that I am trustworthy and truly sorry, all hope is really lost. I have apologized everytime we spoke about it, explained it, cried about it. We discussed it many times over the years. Last time, I forced him to sit down, (maybe 8 years ago?) to discuss our relationship because things weren't good. He brought this up...we once again talked about it, but that was the last time it's ever been discussed. I really thought he finally let it go after that. I can't apologize anymore sincerly than I already have.

Edit to add: I think I won't post anymore. I have lots to think about now, things do make a little more sense now. so thank you again to everyone who chimed in.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Since it was your plan to separate before - why not divorce knowing this isn't a good union?

That way you can have a clean break to build a future on your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

-Molly- said:


> I really don't think there was any pressure, when we first met we were so in love, we never argued about nothing. I took accounting in school, and he had collection agencies after him when we met, so as our relationship progressed, I helped him pay his debts off and it naturally became that I paid the bills and looked after the money once we were officially living together and married.
> 
> I should add the bankruptcy had to be done due to a failed business venture. And the if I don't work, I am cleared and can start rebuilding our credit faster. I am actually cleared just recently, while he still has under 2 years to go since he is working. It was a joint decision I don't work for this reason. But once I do get *my clearance certificate,* I have the problem now of no vehicle (we live 45 minutes from the city, in the countryside) and so all I can do is try to find work at home jobs. I also now have some physical problems, so work in general will be hard for me to find, I have to fit it to what I am capable of doing.


What is a clearance certificate?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@-Molly-

While addressing the issue that occurred years ago with him might prove healing, you need keep it in perspective. Him yelling at you on the phone to the point of you shaking and being afraid to go home is a huge issue. Has he ever acknowledge his part in that? 

When a person holds onto something like what happened that night like he has for years, it's because holding onto it serves a purpose for them. That gave him ammunition that he can use against you over and over again. It would not serve his purpose to work through it and heal because then he'd lose some of his power over you.

You husband most likely opened that account because you were telling him what he could and could not do with the money that he earns. He does not seem to care about the state of the finances. He cares that he has what he wants when he wants it. And if opening another account and sneaking money behind your back is the way he's going to get that freedom, he's going to do it.

My take is that he sees you as a mother figure. Him opening the account so he could sneak money is the sort of thing that a teen ager would do, not a responsible grown man. You are his mother and like all teenagers, he's pushing the limits and breaking mom's rules.

I think you would do best in divorcing this man. He does not want to fix anything. If he did he would have talk to you and worked it through a long time ago. Instead he's playing games. You are going through bankruptcy. Well guess what, bankruptcy only fixes things up to the date of it's finalized and only in accordance with the bankruptcy agreement. If you two continue as you are, your finances are going to be toast again very shortly if they are not already. It sounds like the only way for you to protect yourself financially is to divorce him. Then at least you are not financially obligated by his bad choices.

And this brings us to why people are concerned that you are not working. Because you need an income of you separate and/or divorce. If he moves out, how are the you going to be able to afford to live if your finances do not support your current living situation?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

When you met him he had problems with his finances.
Now he is hiding money, stashing it away for some reason.
Just maybe he plans on leaving you sooner than you expected.
Maybe he never got over what happened and then bankruptcy,
so he started planning on leaving. Before you asked him to.
In my viewpoint this relationship should have ended a long 
time ago. You really should start making plans for yourself
and divorce him soon.

Again someone who had problems 
handling money previously doesn't start saving money
without a reason.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

-Molly- said:


> I don't disagree with anything you said, it makes perfect sense. But don't forget he started hiding money before I suggested separation


Why wouldn't it be reasonable that he was thinking of separating before you suggested it? Maybe he had the same thing in mind in July, and since you mentioned it in September it's confirmation that he needs to keep saving money so he can make his move eventually.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

sa58 said:


> When you met him he had problems with his finances.
> Now he is hiding money, stashing it away for some reason.
> Just maybe he plans on leaving you sooner than you expected.
> Maybe he never got over what happened and then bankruptcy,
> ...


We don't know if he's saving it, just that he's keeping it away from her. He may be emptying the account every month(Apologies if I missed something to the contrary).


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

OP, thanks for the additional info, don't want to seem like we don't believe you but until we ask some questions it's hard to tell what we're looking at. 

It does sound like he isn't playing fair.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

-Molly- said:


> Well, I am not going to say what I did was right. But at the time, it did not seem so horrible. It's not something I would do now, I can only excuse myself by saying I was influenced by alcohol, and by my past. and I think even just immaturity. I would have been about 25. And it was more like 18 years ago, now that I am thinking about it.
> 
> I had been in a very abusive relationship prior to meeting my husband. So I was still really fragile from that. I had gone for a drink with a male co-worker after work. This was normal, at my workplace we went for drinks often after work. But this time was just me and him. I called my husband to say I would be a bit longer at the pub and he freaked out. Yelling, swearing. I remember I was shaking when I got off the phone, I was literally too scared to go home. Maybe had I not been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't have reacted that way. I ended up going back to this co-workers house until I could figure out what to do. BAD PART-> he asked me if we could go into his bedroom to talk because he was afraid we would wake up his Dad. So we did. And we were lying on his bed talking. My husband having a notion of where I was, actually peeked in his bedroom window and saw us lying on the bed. (We weren't doing anything, to be clear, just talking)


Listen, you have got to be kidding me with this. You think he ever believed anything you said ever again. 

If he was not such a puss he should have divorced you years ago. You rug swept this and expected him to just get over it. 

He is preparing to divorce you, and you should want him to. He is a complete loser and you have your share of issues as well. 

I am sorry if this sounds to harsh, but this is your reality. 

You need to get back on your feet ASAP, because he is gathering the courage to leave you. 

You see that, right?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

-Molly- said:


> I don't know why some people so focused on me not working. I have worked since I was 14 years old! I took 1 and a half years off since being with my husband in which time I renovated our house! So I was not sitting around. It's only since declaring bankruptcy I have not worked. 9 months. That's it
> 
> I am not trying to make myself look innocent, I have no reason for that. I made a post about my husband hiding money because I have never experienced such a thing and not sure how to handle it, if I even want to address it. Guess I just needed someone to talk to about it.


Part of the focus is on you not working because you said you barely have enough money for food.

Seems like you could find some way to bring in money during that 9 month period of time.

You've nagged and have been controlling about the money - but while you were in charge of money you needed to file BK. That's a red flag that money and spending weren't managed well. 

Maybe your H would like to be in charge of some of the money he's earning?

This can't all be his fault...I just wish you would be capable of owning your part in this - seems like you need to blame it ALL on your husband.

How much do you earn when you work? Can you lineup a new job that provides you a higher income? When will you go back to work?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SpinyNorman said:


> We don't know if he's saving it, just that he's keeping it away from her. He may be emptying the account every month(Apologies if I missed something to the contrary).


He is NOT saving it, he is blowing it. She mentioned that he has a shopping addiction.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Hi everyone, I know there has been alot of responses since I was on last. Just to clear up a few things (I hope I am not forgetting something someone asked)

1. A clearance certificate means I will cleared of my "bankruptcy duties" and can start to rebuild my credit. I can also work now without extending my bankruptcy by 2 years. (you can't start rebuilding until this is done)

2. As for him wanting to save money to leave me, yes...I had thought of this. He has threatened to divorce me so many times, it used to make me cry for weeks. I finally decided I need to accept this, and I mentally prepared myself, including even to plan out what I would do when I was on my own. It just made things easier for me to do this. Well, when I discussed the separation, he literally said "I never thought about this before" I reminded him how he said many times he wanted to divorce me, and he said he was just saying that, and didn't actually mean it.

3. In case it was missed, just a reminder (and this is important to know for what i am about to tell you) We had to file personal bankruptcy because of a business failure. (some of the business debts were under personal names, there was no way we could pay these debts as the business used to pay them. When filing for bankruptcy, you are not allowed to pay a single invoice, even if it's $50. All business money, assets and debts went to the bankruptcy trustee to deal with. But this did not include things that had gone under personal names. Anyways...too much info, I think you don't really need to know specifics on this. It's kind a mute point. 

He has his vehicle torn apart in my parents shop (where I will stay, so don't worry. mom and dad will help me get on my feet.) So I think I need to wait until he has finished repairing his vehicle and tell him to leave. 

I can't hardly breathe for what I am about to tell you. First, once again, he just got paid and left me with even less money this time and has already spent some. But here's the "kicker": He is going back into business. He is waiting for his "business partner" to get his contracts together so he can sign, and he will be giving notice at work. He kept all this from me. His "business partner" is funding everything. Omg, now he is involving someone else! I already know what's going to happen, it's just a matter of time. I found this out on the weekend, I can't even put into words how I am feeling right now. I am so stressed, like I said, I start even breathing heavy when I think about this. I need to calm down, but it's hard. I just feel sick about all this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Molly are you in the US? Just asking because I have never heard of a clearance certificate or bankruptcy duties. I filed personal bankruptcy over 10 years ago, so maybe it is a lot different for businesses. Thanks for sharing info. 

What a mess he is creating! He is NO partner to you my dear and you need to get out ASAP! If you are able to stay with your folks, I would suggest you get out immediately, job or no job. The sooner you can get some paperwork going, the better, so that you don't end up with some kind of responsibility with his new business venture.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> He is NOT saving it, he is blowing it. She mentioned that he has a shopping addiction.


This still holds true. Everyone might now think he was saving for his business after my last post. But trust me, he is spending it. He is doing alot of online shopping now, which is not coming out of our account, so it's obviously coming out of his private one. And he comes home everyday with something from the store...he is still blowing it. Unless he shacks up with his Dad, (which maybe he will) he is going to have a real dose of harsh reality when he has to start paying the bills and buying groceries for himself. I really don't think he understands how much living expenses are and how to plan for things that come up, whether is\t's yearly things like car insurance, or emergencies. he will find out.


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Molly are you in the US? Just asking because I have never heard of a clearance certificate or bankruptcy duties. I filed personal bankruptcy over 10 years ago, so maybe it is a lot different for businesses. Thanks for sharing info.
> 
> What a mess he is creating! He is NO partner to you my dear and you need to get out ASAP! If you are able to stay with your folks, I would suggest you get out immediately, job or no job. The sooner you can get some paperwork going, the better, so that you don't end up with some kind of responsibility with his new business venture.



No, I am not in US, so maybe that's why it's different. And yes, I am already scared about my involvement in this because everything right now is joint. I am even more afraid now once his business starts about payments bouncing etc. It will affect my credit rating, when I need to start rebuilding it. Oh, I really need to just calm down so I can think clearly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

-Molly- said:


> Well, I am not going to say what I did was right. But at the time, it did not seem so horrible. It's not something I would do now, I can only excuse myself by saying I was influenced by alcohol, and by my past. and I think even just immaturity. I would have been about 25. And it was more like 18 years ago, now that I am thinking about it.
> 
> I had been in a very abusive relationship prior to meeting my husband. So I was still really fragile from that. I had gone for a drink with a male co-worker after work. This was normal, at my workplace we went for drinks often after work. But this time was just me and him. I called my husband to say I would be a bit longer at the pub and he freaked out. Yelling, swearing. I remember I was shaking when I got off the phone, I was literally too scared to go home. Maybe had I not been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn't have reacted that way. I ended up going back to this co-workers house until I could figure out what to do. BAD PART-> he asked me if we could go into his bedroom to talk because he was afraid we would wake up his Dad. So we did. And we were lying on his bed talking. *My husband having a notion of where I was, actually peeked in his bedroom window and saw us lying on the bed. (We weren't doing anything, to be clear, just talking)*


Just a side point.....

I would think any man, a good or a bad one would see that as a major infidelity.
Being caught on a co-workers bed. 

Even if nothing happened, the fact that you did this is a red flag doused in gasoline and then ignited.

...................................................................

I know, it is in the past.
It is long past.

You know, you only talked....on another man's bed.
You know, he never forgave you.

On his hiding money?
I guess it better than him hiding his honey.

I presume he has no girlfriend?


Call him on it. 
It is your right.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Molly,

First I don't believe a word you said about the 
co-worker. He didn't either I can assure you of that.
That is history for you but maybe not him ? You can not
change that now. Maybe to much has happened between
you and him and things are done all ready.

Second thing is his money and what he is doing with it.
Spending it, blowing it, or saving it doesn't really matter
because he isn't using it properly for expenses at home.
Joint accounts and your name on things need to end 
quickly. He may say one thing but he is doing something 
different. Right now if he goes down you go down.


Just my viewpoint but tell him to leave, end the joint accounts
and move on with your life. NOW. From the sounds of your posts
you do not need this in your life nor do you need him. Let him go
and do what he wants with his life and live yours. Get out of this
situation. 

To me it sounds like you are fighting a useless battle, he isn't going to
change. You can change your life only you can.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@-Molly- how are things going for you?


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> @-Molly- how are things going for you?


Thank you for asking. Tbh I kind of abandoned this thread because although I had some great feedback, I also felt like some people were judging me and making assumptions. I came here for support, not to be made to feel worse than I already do. My marriage is not black and white, summed up on these 2 things, he's hiding money and I made a mistake 15 years ago. There is much, much more to this story. 

I have spent alot of time reading some other posts, and see some similarities that some others have or are going through. I really think right now, i have just gone into a depression stage. I have no desire to act upon anything, as far as digging to find out more what's going on with my husband. 

He just recently told me he's starting his new job/business first week in january, I made sure to tell him based on what he will be making (and I said the amount) things will be tougher and he will have to keep expenses down. So now that I told him, I know what he'll be making, I wonder if he will actually give his full paycheck, or will continue to keep a portion. I have been to the Doctor recently and I am not healthy. doctor wants to speak with me first week in January. I have a feeling, I will walk out needing prescriptions. I mentioned to him, maybe he should put his starting date off a week, so we can at least claim any medications I need while he has benefits. (No benefits with his new job) he didn't say anything. (The typical response I always get..silence) 

So, I have not said anything that I know he is hiding money, i am hanging onto a thread that once he starts the new job, he will stop. I think also too, because Christmas is coming, I am trying to put alot of this out of my mind. I want to enjoy Christmas with my family.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

"I also felt like some people were judging me and making assumptions. I came here for support, not to be made to feel worse than I already do."

Yes, I certainly understand that. Most people on TAM legitimately try to help, but bitterness from our own experiences sometimes cloud our responses.

I hope you're able to see things clearly. If depression is an issue, don't shy away from meds. A friend once told me:

"Some people need glasses to see clearly, others need medicine"


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## -Molly- (Jul 10, 2018)

Thanks brettyboo. I hope my feelings of depression are just temporary, I think I am just feeling this way because I have accepted to myself our marriage is over. I do not see how it could possibly be fixed at this point. Which I guess is why there probably is no point in me bothering to figure out what he's up to.

The confusing part now, is why, when I approached him about separation, he didn't take it and run. It's very obvious to me he checked out a long time ago. And he has not made any efforts since that discussion. So why he doesn't go, or even want to discuss anything?? He just lives his own life as if I am a ghost. What's the point of continuing to live this way?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

-Molly- said:


> Thanks brettyboo. I hope my feelings of depression are just temporary, I think I am just feeling this way because I have accepted to myself our marriage is over. I do not see how it could possibly be fixed at this point. Which I guess is why there probably is no point in me bothering to figure out what he's up to.
> 
> The confusing part now, is why, when I approached him about separation, he didn't take it and run. It's very obvious to me he checked out a long time ago. And he has not made any efforts since that discussion. So why he doesn't go, or even want to discuss anything?? He just lives his own life as if I am a ghost. What's the point of continuing to live this way?


Because its easier for him to keep things as they are than to go through the upheaval of a life change. He is going to let YOU be the "bad guy" who ends the marriage, even if he really does want to end anyway. That way he can push the blame onto you when people ask what happened. 

Once you start moving forward with a plan, things will start to get easier. Even when divorce is the right option, its still difficult and hurtful to have to go through. Life didn't go how we planned, and that can be a tough thing to come to terms with. I'm sorry for those who have been harsh about your past, only you know what really happened. But your husband stayed in the marriage so you have been living all along thinking that you worked it out and all was forgiven. Instead, he has not only not gotten past it, but uses it as ammo against you, something to throw in your face when it suits him. An honorable man would leave if he was unable to reconcile, instead of hurling your wrongs at you. Take from here what helps you and leave the rest. It may help someone else, who knows, right?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He could be bipolar. Kind of sounds like my relatives. Impulsive spending, volatile moods, etc. If that is the case he's not going to change unless he acknowledges and admits he has it, sees a therapist, and is open to taking medication. Even if he stops hiding money that just sounds like a symptom of a much bigger issue. It's like you're complaining the toilet won't flush while the house is on fire. I don't mean that as criticism!! Like I said I have relatives who are like your husband so I know how frustrating/difficult it is. But guys like your husband will suck all the life out of you for as long as you're willing to let them.

It doesn't sound like he's going to change. And you need to focus on protecting yourself and your finances ASAP. I hope everything works out for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

-Molly- said:


> Thanks brettyboo. I hope my feelings of depression are just temporary, I think I am just feeling this way because I have accepted to myself our marriage is over. I do not see how it could possibly be fixed at this point. Which I guess is why there probably is no point in me bothering to figure out what he's up to.
> 
> The confusing part now, is why, when I approached him about separation, he didn't take it and run. It's very obvious to me he checked out a long time ago. And he has not made any efforts since that discussion. So why he doesn't go, or even want to discuss anything?? He just lives his own life as if I am a ghost. What's the point of continuing to live this way?


For a passive aggressive person like your husband, wanting to stay has many sources - ego, reputation, familial support, household support, financial issues...you'll never know. Don't even try.

Just carry on with what you need in your life. Look up resources for medical care in your country and move forward.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you look up conflict avoidant personality you may be able to understand more about your husband’s qualities.

He would rather avoid telling you his truth in order to avoid the conflict. It’s hurtful and it’s impossible to truly feel close to a conflict avoidant person.

Trust is never gained because it’s difficult to know what they really feel.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Warning:-*

Some off topic and inappropriate rude messages have been deleted.

Let's keep it civil, please, folks.


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