# Naked Pictures/ Inappropriate work emails & text messages



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Hi I’ll try to make this short and sweet.
I have been with my husband for a total 7.5 years, married 1.5 and together 6 years (long distance relationship) with no kids. I was recently having a conversation with him about a girl that use to like him at the beginning of our relationship at his current job. But she lived in a different state. He was being really weird during that conversation so began to pry more about who she was and if he ever slept with her. Initially he said no that he didn’t mess around with her but then when we were going to bed he confessed that he did twice before we were technically a couple (He use to travel a little previously) . Now my husband is a manager and is basically the “go-to” person of this small company that he works at. And this girl is a remote worker and works at home and she typically has issues that stem from the internet and not connecting to their database so on and so forth so my husband is the one that normally helps her get on track. Well, so he tells me this and then I start questioning if they have been having sexual conversations, sending pictures to each other or just anything inappropriate for work. And he says no it’s been all professional and platonic. Now he has been hiding this for 7+ years so I’m not so convinced. 
I keep prying and asking and I’m getting mad because I’m getting the impression that he is hiding something. This goes on for about 2 weeks. During those two weeks he is being extra nice to me, opening doors for me, paying more attention to me, not letting me cook dinner, doing the laundry, cleaning the house, the whole nine. At one point he did sent her a no contact email stating something like being in contact with you is unfair to my wife..blah.. bIah…Don’t contact me for any reason. Please email so and so if you have any technical issues to deal with. 
I’m still being super suspicious at this point and I’m still asking the same questions. He finally tells me a few days ago that yes there has been some inappropriate emails and text message exchanges including some naked/ some clothed pictures that she had sent him a total of three times. Twice before we got married and once just recently. He said that 95% of their communication was professional but that the other 5% was not. I’m freaking out right now. I don’t know what to do. This makes me feel so sad and sick to my stomach. I don’t trust him now. And what is worrisome is he mentioned that he seems to think this is not cheating. He did say that he would do anything to keep our marriage together. And he has called some marriages counselors to get an appt. Can you guys please give me some feedback and some of your perspective? I want to make sure I’m not overacting or underreacting. I have been cheated on in the past by a few boyfriends and I know noe looking back I acted like a complete doormat. I don’t want to make the same mistakes. I can’t even think straight right now. 
Please help. 
Thank you in advance for your comments and advice!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's been giving you trickle truth. So you have no idea if you have the entire story yet.

Has he given you othe passwords to his cell, all computer accounts, etc.?


What is he going to do to prove to you that he is trustworthy in the future?


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

You are right I have no idea if I have the entire story yet. And no he hasnt given me all his passwords. I havent really asked for them yet. So you dont think I am out of line if I do ask for them?


----------



## ScubaSteve61 (Mar 20, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> You are right I have no idea if I have the entire story yet. And no he hasnt given me all his passwords. I havent really asked for them yet. So you dont think I am out of line if I do ask for them?


Transparency is a must.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, Ill ask for them tonight.


----------



## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Well, he's definitely cheating, sorry to say. Or, at least, what he's done is something _I_ consider cheating. Though, it's _sorta_ nice that you only had to pull his damned teeth out before you got him to be _somewhat_ honest, rather than having to spy on him for concrete evidence.

Now, onto the actual _matter_ at hand.

He is in contact with a woman he had sexual contact with years ago, and who is making sexual passes at him now. And he's _responding_ to them, and keeping this all a secret from you. And _lying_ to you about the level of professionalism between him and her. I suspect he would have had a physical affair eventually, had you had not confronted him about it. Either way, I suspect he was having an emotional affair with this woman. He _knows_ he shouldn't be as involved with her as he is, because he was obviously uncomfortable and secretive with the subject when you began to talk about it with him.

In truth, I feel he is still withholding information now. You do not know the "whole" truth. Only what he's decided to trickle down to you.

You must be direct with him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him his lies and secrets have ruined the trust you once had for him. Tell him you want the relationship to be completely transparent. You should have access to _everything_ he has access to: phone, e-mails, Skype, all of it.

He must work towards redeeming himself, and devoting himself entirely to the marriage. He has betrayed your trust, and now he _must_ work to earn it again. It won't work out if he simply shrugs his shoulders and claims it was harmless or "not cheating." He needs to understand that, regardless of what he _thinks_, his actions have hurt you, and he lied about contacting a woman he had a sexual relationship with in the past. He kept the affair a secret, and he strained the trust you had.

If you need to help him "see," switch the roles around. A man you had sex with in the past is now working with you, and is contacting you regularly. Among all the work-related contact, he also sends images that are clearly sexual in nature. And you are keeping all of this a secret from your husband. Is this scenario still "okay" and not cheating in his eyes? 

Ask him.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jibril said:


> If you need to help him "see," switch the roles around. A man you had sex with in the past is now working with you, and is contacting you regularly. Among all the work-related contact, he also sends images that are clearly sexual in nature. And you are keeping all of this a secret from your husband. Is this scenario still "okay" and not cheating in his eyes?
> 
> Ask him.


:iagree::iagree:
This right here. I had to ask my husband the same thing. I had to send him pics of myself, similar to that of a woman (and I have a hard time calling her that) who sent pics to him. And, he had thought there were no problems with the pics she sent him. So I asked him... "would you be ok with me sending pics like the ones I just sent you, to my guy friends?"... Ya know... he saw the light. He still maintains they were "just friends" but I've not let him get away with that. He may not have gotten to a full out EA, but I know that's the direction it was going.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He’s been lying to you and having an inappropriate relationship for a very long time. You have no idea of the extent of this relationship. His lying and trickle truth leads me to believe that there is more that he’s holding back. Thus you have no reason at all to trust him.
So if he wants to stay married to you and reconcile your relationship he has to do the heavy work. Part of this is to prove to you every day that he can be trusted. Part of this proof is for him to give you the password to his cell, his computer and all internet accounts. And he has to agree that you can check them any time you want, even without telling him.
In marriage there should be complete transparency. Basically the only type of privacy in marriage should be closing the door when you go to the bathroom. 
Does he keep his cell phone password protected? Can you check it any time you want? Can you check the phone bill to see who is calling and who he calls?

At this point however, since there is good reason to believe that he is not telling you the whole truth, I you might want to do more investigation before you ask for his passwords. If you put a keylogger on the computer you will find out his accounts and what he’s up to online.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If he's having intimate conversations and exchanging nude photographs with someone he once slept with, his behaviour is highly inappropriate. He has to be made to realise how damaging this sort of thing is to a relationship and stop all contact with this woman (apart from necessary work related contact).


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, I guess I just needed some reassurance that I am not overacting. I am not normally the jealous type so this is a bit out of character for me. What keylogger do you guys recommend? Is this something that I should tell him I am doing? He is tech savy so would he be able to find it on his computer? He does the normal maintenance and repair on all our computers.


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Even if he had never had sex with this person before it is wrong dead wrong. That is why it was hidden. If some one thinks what they are doing is ok or acceptable they do it in the open and right before your eyes.


----------



## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Don't tell him...careful if he's the tech savvy one...google it extensively, watch youtube vids on how to plant a keylogger without someone else knowing, and don't do these searches on your home computer/phone, or he'll find it before you can even get it set up. Go to the library or another fairly sterile online environment he can't monitor.

Be careful. He deserves to be spied on, is not being faithful (for sure), and will be on the lookout for these kinds of things until everything "cools down".


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Another concern that I have is that my marriage is so young. If I have to deal with this stuff now what am I up against 10-20 years from now? I know I'm not a perfect wife but I do try my best to treat my husband like a king. I know in no way do I deserve this.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Thanks Shamwow.. Ill do some research on it.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

We have a MC appt on Friday.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ok, I guess I just needed some reassurance that I am not overacting. I am not normally the jealous type so this is a bit out of character for me. What keylogger do you guys recommend? Is this something that I should tell him I am doing? He is tech savy so would he be able to find it on his computer? He does the normal maintenance and repair on all our computers.


What you are feeling is not jealousy. It's a normal reaction to your spouse cheating at some level. You are not yet sure of the extent of that level. 

Check your private messages.

At this point do not tell him if you put a key logger on the computer. See what you get. And don't tell him as soon as you get something. Gather enough info to know for sure what is going on. Hopefully you will find that he told you the whole truth.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Thank you EleGirl!


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> *What you are feeling is not jealousy*. It's a normal reaction to your spouse cheating at some level. You are not yet sure of the extent of that level.
> 
> Check your private messages.
> 
> At this point do not tell him if you put a key logger on the computer. See what you get. And don't tell him as soon as you get something. Gather enough info to know for sure what is going on. Hopefully you will find that he told you the whole truth.


I agree with this. Jealousy occurs when you covet what someone else has that not yours. You become jealous when the hot guy in class flirts with another woman. He's neither your bf nor your husband. 

When your husband, who by definition has made a huge and ongoing commitment to you, behaves inappropriately, that is showing justified concern. If you didn't care about your marriage, then you wouldn't care about his activities. Calling it jealousy is just another way to free cheaters from the consequences of their activities.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

read the newbie link in my signature, you'll find many helpful things


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Hon, I found inappropriate texts from my STBXH to his old GF and confronted him, thinking that was all that he'd been up to. He started out denying it, until I quoted them to him, then said they were nothing, until I pointed out how hurt I was, so it wasn't nothing. Next day he changed his passwords (I didn't know). I thought it was over. Silly me. Two weeks later our daughter discovers the A by accident. Then he couldn't lie, but he left town. Cheaters lie. Cheaters are selfish. Do your homework and prepare yourself. What I've found out about him since he left gives me the hebejebes.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, I understand the difference between jealousy and being a concerned wife. And thanks Almostrecovered.. Ill check out those links.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ok, I understand the difference between jealousy and being a concerned wife. And thanks Almostrecovered.. Ill check out those links.


I just wanted to quickly recommend the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--link is in my signature--I say this because many MC's are not up to speed on infidelity--they don't know how emotional affairs start or how they function. The don't understand how they are powerful compulsions.

You should be able to read a lot of it via my link to google books--of course there are pages left out but you will still be able to extract some good stuff to further understand what is likely going on.

I would ask the MC point blank if they've read this book. Because Glass was a leading researcher on infidelity and her book is widely respected (our MC has a copy) you can use it as a sort of litmus test to see if your MC has the proper training to handle this situation.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok iheartlife Ill actually go by Barnes and Noble tonight and purchase this book. Hopefully the MC that we see tomorrow has read it. Are there any other books I should purchase as well?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ok iheartlife Ill actually go by Barnes and Noble tonight and purchase this book. Hopefully the MC that we see tomorrow has read it. Are there any other books I should purchase as well?


That's really the best one out there on infidelity and particularly emotional affairs.

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Doubt they'd have that at a drive-up store but you never know.

There are other great books for strengthening your marriage, our MC likes The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Gottman. But the axiom around here is, you can't work on a marriage with 3 people in it. So the key is to knock down any emotional affair first.

MC is hard work, when a spouse is busy baring their soul to someone outside the marriage their motivation to do that in therapy is pretty close to nil. That is why you must be wary of an MC that wants to focus on problems before the affair. I would say I contributed to 80% of our marriage's vulnerability that led up to my husband's long-term EA 

I caught my husband in an EA 3 years ago. We attended MC for 6+ months, and my husband recontacted his AP around the time of our first appointment. I was totally uneducated about EAs and it never occurred to me that he could be right back in it. Our MC didn't know any better either so we spent all that time discussing stuff that in retrospect was as silly as could be.

We are reconciled now, but I had to catch him a second time before he exited the affair. Our new MC is terrific.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

i agree you are probably not getting the whole truth here. Do some digging. Can you guess his email info and read his emails? Have a look at his phone while he's sleeping?

Not Just Friends is an excellent book. I finished it about a week ago and hubby is reading it now. It's the first one we've both read that we are both getting lots out of.

Let us know what the MC says, and what your hubby says there. Some MC's do more harm than good when it comes to infidelity. This is NOT something that can be ignored - it needs to be confronted head on by both of you. Your husband has some splainin to do, and he'd better give you passwords to EVRYTHING - emails, phones, credit card statements, bank accounts, EVERYthing. Even games he plays on line. Once you have them, go log on right away - don't give him a chance to delete anything.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Once you have them, go log on right away - don't give him a chance to delete anything.


Yes, watch out, my husband went back in and erased as much as could of everything. Save everything you find carefully.

Also, be careful about revealing your sources if you find a smoking gun, and avoid confronting when you find more evidence, come back for more advice. This will be intensely difficult to do but confronting and confronting often just drives the affair underground (they hide it better).


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, I just got back from the store and bought Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and The Seven Principles for Making a Marraige Work by Gottman. They didnt have the one by Cloud and Townsend. And Im going to install a keylogger on his computer tonight while he is taking a shower (he takes his laptop with him everywhere). I also bought a VAR that Ill put in his truck maybe tomorrow night.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

have you read the suggestions about VAR installation?

If I had installed a VAR I would have saved us years in False R...so more power to you.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

No I have not. Where can I find the suggestions?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> No I have not. Where can I find the suggestions?


I believe the recommendation is to install using velcro underneath the driver's seat.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Sorry if I'm repeating myself--if you hear something incriminating on the VAR you are going to find it almost impossible not to confront immediately. First, never ever reveal your source, you may need it for some other purpose in the future. Second, gather your thoughts and plan out your confrontation rather than doing it impulsively. It will be hard, but it will help you in the long run.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, he has a truck. Hopefully I can stick it underneath the driver's seat with some velcro.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

No worries Iheartlife. I think Im going to need all the advice I can get. I try to consult with you guys before a do anything drastic.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

How did MC go? Any other news?


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Update: Hi!! I put the keylogger on his computer today and VAR is in his truck. MC was ok, the counselor hasnt read the book by Shirley Glass. I'll try calling a few other couselors to see if they have read the book. She basically said that this is a betrayal and that I lost complete trust in him. I think my husband is beginning to see the gravity of the situation. He knows now that he shouldnt have had contact with this woman period since he slept with her. He should have known that she was going to wreck havoc on his marraige. And learn what the word BOUNDARY means. He is being extremely remorseful now. But Im still not sure if I know everything that happened betweeen them. Everytime I push for information I get a little more truth from him. Like instead just deleting 2 text messages its like 20 now. By the way, does anyone know how to extract deleted text messages from an iphone?


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Also I wanted to ask you guys what your thoughts are on contacting the OW to get more details.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Update: Hi!! I put the keylogger on his computer today and VAR is in his truck. MC was ok, the counselor hasnt read the book by Shirley Glass. I'll try calling a few other couselors to see if they have read the book. She basically said that this is a betrayal and that I lost complete trust in him. I think my husband is beginning to see the gravity of the situation. He knows now that he shouldnt have had contact with this woman period since he slept with her. He should have known that she was going to wreck havoc on his marraige. And learn what the word BOUNDARY means. He is being extremely remorseful now. But Im still not sure if I know everything that happened betweeen them. Everytime I push for information I get a little more truth from him. Like instead just deleting 2 text messages its like 20 now. By the way, does anyone know how to extract deleted text messages from an iphone?



Ok. If he uses a computer with itunes and backs up (happens automatically when updates occur) you can extract copies of deleted message from the backup file. The easiest way is with this application iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac
It is not free. There are other methods that are not as easy.

Good luck


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> By the way, does anyone know how to extract deleted text messages from an iphone?


Is it an iphone 4? I know AlmostRecovered should know the answer. I did some searching, not sure if this thread will help or not.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44613-iphone-4-sync.html


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Also I wanted to ask you guys what your thoughts are on contacting the OW to get more details.


Contacting the OW is nearly always a very bad idea. They often know more than you do. So talking to them is just a way of revealing how little you know, vs. a way to get more info from them.

If you could confirm the OW didn't know your H was married, that would be one thing. But he is probably confiding in her about your marriage. OW (and OM) are generally very smug and feel superior to you, after all, you can't make your spouse happy, and they think they can.

I did confront the OW and found the experience enlightening, but I also knew the affair was over.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's something you may find useful *Surveillance Methods As A Defense*.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

The OW does know he is married. According to my husband, they actually spoke about not emailing him anymore naked pictures of herself because he was getting married. (whatever) But did end up sending some more to him anyways. I just want the truth and I know Im not getting all of it from my husband. Thought maybe the OW might be helpful. Im not 100% sure that he hasnt contacted her but he did send her a NC email. 

I think he uses itunes just for music.. not 100% sure though.. I just saw that he uses icloud and backs up to that though.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Yep, iphone4 and thank you Morituri!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> The OW does know he is married ... Thought maybe the OW might be helpful.


Why do you think this? Because she will somehow be embarrassed, or take pity on you? She is sending photographs of her naked body to your husband. This is someone with no shame.

Do you know if she is married?

Going back through your thread I saw you raise the point about how new your marriage is and concerned this is something you'll be dealing with for a while. This is a VERY valid concern and something you need to give a lot of thought to.

In MC, the issue is going to be why did he think it was appropriate to breach this marital boundary (for advice in setting marital boundaries, there's a book recommended by a couple of forum members, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend).

I imagine she was a boost to his rather needy self-esteem, if I just had to make a stab in the dark. Affairs that are self-esteem boosters are very serious. Someone who does these things for that reason (rather than serious marital problems) is precisely the type of person who is marked as a future serial cheater. Another thing to ponder is whether he does this with more than one person at a time or has a history of doing this with others while you were dating.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, youre right Id probably just look like a fool asking her questions about my own husband. She is not married but she is living with someone and has three kids. And Ill look into getting that book. 
I know I keep asking him why he did this and all he can say is that it has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me. Our marriage was a good decent marriage before all of this...


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I would not let the OW sit back without the fear of repercussions , a very clear message to this OW is to send copies of any pictures to her parents and siblings / or the person she is living with , with a note similar to the NC template in the newbie thread.

If you don't have the pictures imply you have and are more than happy to distribute her naked poses to all her friends and coworkers .


Doing this sends a clear message to the OW and tests if she will try contact your husband. In my experience most recipients of such a letter stay away and keep to NC , the desperate ones contact the wayward spouse. In both these cases it allows you to control the way forward, keeps them on the back foot and it's quite empowering for you. Do not reveal to your husband what you are doing.

Here are many challenges with recovering a marriage after an affair , spending time alone wih each other is high on the list , we're talking about at least 20 hours with at least two hours per day. Watching TV together is not on the list , sitting at the table talking or cuddling on the couch is.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You should be aware that while an affair is all the waywards fault often it is an indication of something else going wrong in the marriage . There is a book "his needs , her needs" by Harley that has been helpful to many posters 

For further recovery tips read the following, there is an emotional needs questionairs on the MB site that may help you and your husband identify what you key needs are.

Love Busters Questionnaire
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I was going to post something similar

His Needs / Her Needs
Love Busters
5 Love Languages

All come with free website questionnaires. Because your husband has extended the olive branch and wants to work on the marriage, they are worth a shot.

Also, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work, our MC says the book will put him out of business.

Explain to your husband that as long as 3 people remain in your marriage, there is no way MC will fix anything. He has to be willing to bare his soul in MC and do a lot of heavy lifting on his end, you can't do it alone. As long as he is attached to someone else or saving his heart for someone else, MC won't make any difference.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Good idea Eli-Zor! I like how you think!! My husband deleted the pictures, or at least that is what he said and I couldnt find them on his work computer when I looked through it yesterday. I can however send an email to her from my husband's work email address and get them. What do you guys think? That maybe going a bit far though...


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Also about the problems in the marriage. I think Im actually getting the short end of the stick here. He is the one that has been treating poorly.. not listening to me.. snapping at me constantly.. just not being there. I should be the one having the affair but NO he decides to add this crap to his laundry list of shortcomings. Now I know everyone can always improve their relationship and I havent sat there and analyzed our entire marriage in complete detail. But I do know I treat him VERY VERY good. During out first MC session the counselor did ask about the state of marriage prior to all this. On his side he said I was practically the perfect wife. When it came to me he said he knew that were more than a few things he can improve on.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

And actually i did go out and buy the his needs her needs book.
Thank you for that recommendation!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I gathered as much. The books above might be more important for HIM to understand your needs, your love busters, your boundaries, your love languages (although I would find out what his love language is, too).

He needs IC as well as MC. Continue with MC and see what the therapist says about his issues and how treatable they are.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> And actually i did go out and buy the his needs her needs book.
> Thank you for that recommendation!


It's an excellent book, tons of forum members like it.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Ok, he did mention that he was open to going to IC..


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Ok, he did mention that he was open to going to IC..


Get him in there while he's still feeling the guilt. It will be harder later.

Sorry, can't recall if I mentioned another good book, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend. He needs to work through this with you so you can get on the same page in that regard. Run it past your MC as well. Did I say to ask if the MC has read Not Just Friends? Don't forget to ask them!


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

He is super remorseful right now. I actually told him he needed to go to IC and he agreed to do so. He cant specifically tell me why this happened and if he doesnt know why how do I know this isnt a sign of something bigger or that this will happen again?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> He is super remorseful right now. I actually told him he needed to go to IC and he agreed to do so. He cant specifically tell me why this happened and if he doesnt know why how do I know this isnt a sign of something bigger or that this will happen again?


It's very common at the stage he's at for him to say he doesn't know why. That is just another reason why he must go to IC.

I would tell him, please go to IC and figure out the WHY. Don't end IC until you can cleary articulate the "why." Explain to him that he isn't protecting you by not telling you why or ignoring why or rugsweeping why. He is only hurting you more deeply. 

Having no reason at all is the WORST and MOST HURTFUL reason of all.

The scary thing is, he might not ever know why. As you can surmise, that is the sign of a very damaged person. But don't give up before you've even tried. Also offer to attend a session with his IC at some point if he thinks it would be useful; but not for a while.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Im hopeful that he can figure out why he did this. But as you mentioned he might just be a very damaged person. I know he has had a hard life. He was a drug addict for years and had to hit rock bottom before going into rehab. He has been sober for about a decade and has been doing absolutely fantastic with school, work, buying his first home, and keeping his life on track. But he decided to do this little shenanigans to us.....


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

I really hope he can figure this out .. not sure that ill stay if he cant.


----------



## ConstantSpeed (May 1, 2012)

Does anyone know how to retreive deleted text messages from an iphone when he syncs his phone to the icloud? I have his password. Help please!! Thank you in advance!!!


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He's not telling you the whole truth or being transparent and both are necessary if you want to repair your marriage. If you want to make this work, he's gotta stop talking to the OW, get into marriage counseling with you, and you guys have to talk about what you guys want and expect from each other in marriage to see if it is possible to rebuild. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I hope things get better for you.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Another concern that I have is that my marriage is so young. If I have to deal with this stuff now what am I up against 10-20 years from now? I know I'm not a perfect wife but I do try my best to treat my husband like a king. I know in no way do I deserve this.


This is something you should seriously consider. Early on in your marriage, he's demonstrating serious issues. Both of you contributed to whatever problems you're having, but he alone chose to conceal his secret sorta sexual relationship with a not-quite ex. Does he love you? Does he actually want to be with you? Sometimes, early on, it's an exit affair. Sometimes, it's the result of immaturity and poor conflict resolution skills. Figure out what caused it, if you are going to try to fix your marriage. If you guys don't spend some energy really building a good foundation, you're in for a lot of pain later. This isn't like you've been married for 20 years and some flirty neighbor catches his eye, it is deception and it is inappropriate and it undermines the life you're attempting to build. Do you want to be married to a man who isn't trustworthy? Take the time now to find out if it is possible to rebuild that trust before going ahead. Good luck to you both.

(added this): Oh, and remember that when you're doing things like using a keylogger or a VAR, you're not doing it to police him or enforce his compliance to your demands of monogamy. If he is going to cheat, he is going to find a way to do it. You're trusting, but verifying. Once that trust has been built back up, safely, you should eventually be able to stop spying on him to make sure he isn't being dishonest. If he's lying and you're catching it, it just means he isn't trustworthy and the R is false. You don't want the surveillance to take over your life or get you into a bunch of manipulative cycles; any which way, it does not give you control over his actions, just the info to make your own choices.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Does anyone know how to retreive deleted text messages from an iphone when he syncs his phone to the icloud? I have his password. Help please!! Thank you in advance!!!


try PM'ing AlmostRecovered. You could also start a new thread devoted to just that question and leave the rest of your issues in this thread so people can keep track of your story.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

ConstantSpeed said:


> Also I wanted to ask you guys what your thoughts are on contacting the OW to get more details.


OW will always lie. She will play you so that she can have another chance with him when things calm down. Never ever trust the OW if she knows she's fooling around with a married man.


----------

