# Wife fights dirt



## Taken for granted (Oct 3, 2012)

Married for 11 months. Been together for 4 years. Problem is, every time we have an argument (well - at least 9 times out of 10) my wife crosses certain boundaries and is not able to fight without fighting dirty. Most times it's as small as name calling and such, but far too often she crosses the line and either insults my family or threatens to quit her job, leave me, move home (she moved 4 years ago to my hometown which is 250 miles from where she is from) and divorce me. 

While the frequency of these blowouts have decreased they have gotten worse in that we are now 7 months pregnant, and now it's about how she'll leave me and the baby will have a different name (we've agreed upon a family name from my side of the family), etc. I struggle to maintain certain boundaries but I don't know what else to do. She holds a grudge and refuses to ever admit that she's done anything wrong.

One minute everything is fine, then we start bickering (even if its something small and my fault) and within 2 minutes she's throwing all of these threats out when the entire argument was about something trivial.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm quick to apologize, move on, and just want peace. I do love her, but hate the thought of this forever.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

She does it because she knows you will back down. I couldn't live like that. Maybe call her bluff? She doesn't want a divorce, she just likes to threaten you with one.


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Taken for granted said:


> Married for 11 months. Been together for 4 years. Problem is, every time we have an argument (well - at least 9 times out of 10) my wife crosses certain boundaries and is not able to fight without fighting dirty. Most times it's as small as name calling and such, but far too often she crosses the line and either insults my family or threatens to quit her job, leave me, move home (she moved 4 years ago to my hometown which is 250 miles from where she is from) and divorce me.
> 
> While the frequency of these blowouts have decreased they have gotten worse in that we are now 7 months pregnant, and now it's about how she'll leave me and the baby will have a different name (we've agreed upon a family name from my side of the family), etc. I struggle to maintain certain boundaries but I don't know what else to do. She holds a grudge and refuses to ever admit that she's done anything wrong.
> 
> ...


I have lived and still living this life. During our first pregnancy my wife was just as you described above mainly because one she was not ready and I was not ready for building a home and having a family. After the baby the blowouts went from twice a week to not at all. During the second pregnancy she had two major blowouts, mainly because she did not feel appreciated and well she was a bit hormonal. I just kept reassuring her of my love and devotion to our relationship now marriage. 
I did have a moment when I decided that I was not going to be the bigger person anymore and just throw the same dirt she does. That was short lived and just hurt her more and built more animosity between the both of us. 
If you love her try to find a way to make things work. I do not know how but things got better for me.


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## Taken for granted (Oct 3, 2012)

I try to call her bluff and it plays out the same way every time. As soona as she starts crossing those boundaries I say that she is and that the conversation is over, she continues all the while escalating until I have to storm into another part of the house as the only way I am able to avoid giving in and saying the same in return.... Think "go f your mother that bi+{#, you're a *insert any name*, I'm leaving you"

Fast forward an hour and its texts back and forth about how she can't do this she is leaving because of how I attack HER. If you can't tell this is happening right now. I made the mistake of snapping at her about the dog when I walked in the door. Tried to apologize 30 seconds int it to avoid the inevitable but she flips off the handle....


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're arguing with a 7 month pregnant woman?? Nothing good could possibly come from that. Let it roll off your back, fix her some ice cream, rub her feet. She'll be human again in a couple months.


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## Taken for granted (Oct 3, 2012)

I'm not arguing with anyone. I snapped towards her out of frustration and a long day at work. Within 30 seconds I apologize but it was over - I've spent the last 2 hours hiding in the dark man cave while constantly being insulted and threatened with divorce. 

The problem is that this is not a rate occurrence (nor just due to the pregnancy) and even though I move on quickly (knowing full well I will NEVER get an policy) I am shown zero respect in my marriage.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Taken for granted said:


> I try to call her bluff and it plays out the same way every time. *As soona as she starts crossing those boundaries I say that she is and that the conversation is over, she continues all the while escalating *until I have to storm into another part of the house as the only way I am able to avoid giving in and saying the same in return.... Think "go f your mother that bi+{#, you're a *insert any name*, I'm leaving you"
> 
> Fast forward an hour and its texts back and forth about how she can't do this she is leaving because of how I attack HER. If you can't tell this is happening right now. I made the mistake of snapping at her about the dog when I walked in the door. Tried to apologize 30 seconds int it to avoid the inevitable but she flips off the handle....


That’s commonly known as stonewalling. Of course your wife will escalate the confrontation into a conflict if she feels she’s not being heard. Stonewalling is one of the precursors to the end of a marriage.


Check yourselves into something like Alpha USA : Find Out More About the Course where you’ll learn how healthy marriages operate, hopefully before it’s too late.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You freely admit that you are at fault for starting most of these arguments and that you snap at her after a bad days work. 

Learn some self restraint and just back off. 

It takes two to argue, she's 7 months pregnant, cut her some slack and stop engaging in the conflict. 

It's not worth it for her, it's not worth it for you and it's not doing your unborn child any good either. 

You're going to be a dad soon, it's time to grow up.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Taken for granted said:


> I'm not arguing with anyone. I snapped towards her out of frustration and a long day at work. Within 30 seconds I apologize but it was over - I've spent the last 2 hours hiding in the dark man cave while constantly being insulted and threatened with divorce.
> 
> The problem is that this is not a rate occurrence (nor just due to the pregnancy) and even though I move on quickly (knowing full well I will NEVER get an policy) I am shown zero respect in my marriage.


Well it comes down to 2 choices, stay and try to fix it or wash your hands of the whole thing. Let her know calmly that you will not live with someone who doesn't respect you. If she wants yours then she has to give in return. I have only heard your side but from what you have posted she sounds like a child trowing a tantrum.


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## Taken for granted (Oct 3, 2012)

What about boundaries in a marriage to fight fair, and as soon as those boundaries are not respected backing off?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

How about just not fighting at all?

Ever consider that if you stop yelling back at her she'll just burn herself out?

Break the escalating cycle of conflict. 

It's just pointless.


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## Taken for granted (Oct 3, 2012)

Sharkeey - I fully admit that I am to blame SOMETIMES. None of us are always innocent nor to blame. Today I snapped at her, but that's not normal. Regardless - I constantly back off (otherwise who bows how much further it would go) and ALWAYS treat her with respect.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Take it a step further. Rather than letting the argument get so heated that she makes all those threats, just don't engage her at all.

Try it.

See what happens. 

You're certainly not gaining anything with all the arguing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Taken for granted said:


> What about boundaries in a marriage to fight fair, and as soon as those boundaries are not respected backing off?


You have much to learn about women, most especially wives.


The very last thing they ever do is fight fair.


The very deliberate and conscious thing they do is push boundaries.


Just don’t fight. Use humour instead. Make her laugh, win her heart.


Just don’t fight. Because you will never win against a wife. Never. You will never win a fight against your wife.


Be mindful instead. Read about “mindfulness”, study it and practice it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

^ This guy said it better than I did.

It's like saying "Every time I bang my head against the wall it hurts!"

"How can I bang my head against the wall so it doesn't hurt so much?"

Answer: "Just stop banging your head against the wall".


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> How about just not fighting at all?
> 
> Ever consider that if you stop yelling back at her she'll just burn herself out?
> 
> ...


I LIKE THIS ONE...Takes a man with big ego to be the bigger person....


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

"I'm quick to apologize, move on, and just want peace."

Therin lies the problem. Why are you apologizing? Stop apologizing just to appease her. She knows all she has to do to get you to back down is to be an uber b!tch and threaten you. 

And don't get down in the mud with her and roll around. Don't DO or SAY anything that requires an apology. She's trying to provoke you. Stay strong and don't let her. Next time she pulls this chit, turn around, walk out, and go hang with a buddy. If she repeats when you get back, you repeat until she gets the drift. If she threatens to leave, pack her azz a bag and toss it at her feet. LEAD!!! Tell her and show her you're done with this kind of destructive behavior. And control your own temper. If you yell, call names, throw things, or insult with intent to wound, you're wrong. Don't go to her level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 360H (Sep 25, 2012)

I sympathize with you my friend, you're in a tough place. I know almost exactly what's in your mind and can also feel exactly what's in your heart.

If marriage was a boxing match, my wife's first punch is thrown directly at my left testicle. Too bad there's no referee around to call a penalty. I would then remind her that that's against the rules. Then she lands a hard oneto my right... Testicle. I punch her in the Tits. She then starts crying, kicks my balls again, bites my ear and storms off crying, telling the kids and her sisters that I punched her in the tits.

I then go back, apologize to her. You're not the only husband on earth that apologized easily, because this is how you were taught to resolve conflict. Unfortunately, unlike home or school, there's no referee in real life that requires both parties to apologize and shake hands. Such is life.

This is a theme, like a broken record that's been replaying for me for 27 years. As a young man, I had balls of steel. My testicles are now the size of a peanut.

She has not changed one bit. This may very well be your future.

Why hasn't it changed? Because as the guys have correctly said so here, I allowed it.

Ya. It's not fair, right? I'm sorry to say, my friend, but tough ****. That's what I chose in the beginning, and allowed it to continue. 

May I suggest that you leave your wife alone for the time being, obviously she is pregnant.

In the meantime, educate yourself on anger management. It is absolutely KEY that you learn not to lash back (tit hitting). Your wife is tough in this arena, and your best position is not to engage an obviously dirty fighter.

Your discipline here is going to give you the strength and put you in a position to make a rational decision one day, that may either save your marriage or if that's not possible, save your family from a lot of heartache.

Good luck Buddy.





My wife by the way, is no longer a boxer. She's now an elite Navy Seal, with all kinds of weapons to make sure my suffering continues. How I wish there was internet in 1985. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... this makes me and my wife's fights more like "playfighting" really come to think of it

We've never crossed the line except once, and that was when I mentioned the D word. She really got hurt with that one. There are a lot more ways I can hurt my wife but I won't ever do that unless I have absolutely no choice.

It seems that your wife doesn't even give a sh-t about the "line" however


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

In the argument, don't escalate. Don't yell. If you have something to apologize, apologize... once.

If she threatens divorce or going back to Mom's, call her on it. As long as she holds that over your head, she wins.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe tell your wife during a time when you are not arguing that you love her and are looking forward to raising a family with her and want to find a better way to resolve any conflicts that arise. Suggest the two of you write down things you find are not fair when arguing. Don't use any examples from the past! This will only cause an argument. Instead "Honey, I think name calling should be off limits. When we argue it should be to solve things and not cause more. Let's add this to the list." OR raised voices or anything else you find unacceptable. Do it together and agree if/when an argument gets to that point you with go to different rooms for 15 minutes or until you can resume the discussion without crossing those boundaries. Put it on the fridge or somewhere visible. 

If she continues to act that way, tell her she agreed to those terms and the two of you will never solve anything if you can't resolve issues without it escalating to that point and your marriage is doomed. 

Reiterate you want this to work. Suggest MC or IC or anger management - for her and yourself if need be. Otherwise things will only get worse. It will either get more violent or ugly or one of you will totally shut down and shut out the other. Either way, the end is in sight.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> In the argument, don't escalate. Don't yell. If you have something to apologize, apologize... once.
> 
> If she threatens divorce or going back to Mom's, call her on it. As long as she holds that over your head, she wins.


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Next time she threatens D, start packing her bags! The more you take the more she will give you!


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Taken for granted said:


> threatens to quit her job, leave me, move home (she moved 4 years ago to my hometown which is 250 miles from where she is from) and divorce me.
> 
> and within 2 minutes she's throwing all of these threats out when the entire argument was about something trivial.


Was she already in a bad mood or does she start in a good mood and very quickly become enraged? If the latter, Borderline Personality Disorder. It's normal for people in a bad mood to have a short fuse, but happy people having a short fuse is a sign of something seriously wrong with them. The other possibility is that she appears to be in a good mood but she's actually hiding the fact that she's in a bad mood. That's just a learned behavior rather than a brain problem. Some people are emotionally silent like that, so it's hard to tell if they're feeling good or bad. Is there any reason she wouldn't be honest about how she's feeling?

Instead of calling her out, do the following in this specific order:
1 - Arrange to stay with a friend or family member for a brief period of time, but don't move in with them yet.
2 - Get official separation papers, but don't serve them yet.
3 - Cancel all of the utilities (power, water, phone, internet, heat).
4 - Open a personal bank account that only has your name.
5 - Take half of the money out of your joint accounts and put it in your personal account. 
6 - Wait until either the water or electricity are turned off.
7 - Serve the separation papers.
8 - Move out of the house immediately.

If that's a not a 180 then I don't know what is 
(doing the above gives roughly 0% chance of fixing the marriage)


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

donny64 said:


> "I'm quick to apologize, move on, and just want peace."
> 
> Therin lies the problem. Why are you apologizing? Stop apologizing just to appease her. She knows all she has to do to get you to back down is to be an uber b!tch and threaten you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

@ Taken for granted.

If you haven't done anything wrong you have nothing to fear. Stand your ground and be strong.

As soon as she starts the name calling or starts to be unreasonable and yelling at you, just walk away, don't engage in any fight! If she wants to talk to you she will do it when she is calm.
Go out with a friend for a beer. Don't let her anger get to you.

It will take time. Stay strong!


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## Taken for granted (Oct 3, 2012)

Thanks to all of you for your comments. ShawnD : she starts in a happy mood and can shift to this behavior on a dime. I'm a fairly well educated guy and unfortunately I've read up on borderline personality disorders and have already pretty much come to this conclusion. When she's not angry she treats me unbelievably well - consistently does thoughtful things - has good values, etc.... The 'only' (I say that with a little trepidation) is that she exhibits this behavior....which causes me to walk on eggshells with my tails between my legs - which is not me. The problem is that the day after an argument like that things are great - as long as I move fwd and forget that it happened. She doesn't address it and would never admit that she has done anything wrong. I can tell that the thought of apologizing to her husband because the things she said may have hurt him do not even cross her mind. We move on like the perfect couple. But 3 minutes, 3 days, or 3 weeks from now something will happen (maybe I'll speak to her in the wrong 'tone' for an instant) and its right down the same path of hell for the next day...... 

I was just raised differently....with respect....and take responsibility for myself... It's just tough and I need to walk away instead of engaging her at those moments...easier said than done


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Taken for granted said:


> I was just raised differently....with respect....and take responsibility for myself... It's just tough and I need to walk away instead of engaging her at those moments...easier said than done


I understand where you're coming from.

My wife used to all me "jerk" or "dink" and other names when she was really mad at me. Only when I decided to put my foot down and let her know that this was not acceptable for me things started to change. 
As soon as she starts calling me names the discussion or the fight is over. I let her know the reason and tell her calmly but firmly that I would not accept to be called "put a name here". Then I go out for a bicycle ride (I love biking and there are very good paths in the nature here) to blow off some steam and relax.
Guess what? She hasn't called me names in months.

I hear you, easier said than done, but you need to start somewhere. You can't walk on eggshells for years. Is that the man you want to be?

A blog that can be helpful if you think your wife is BPD/NPD:

Index « A Shrink for Men


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Get marriage counseling. Learning how to fight fair is crucial to the longevity of your marriage.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> How about just not fighting at all?
> 
> Ever consider that if you stop yelling back at her she'll just burn herself out?
> 
> ...


no one wants to be a doormat.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

anonim said:


> no one wants to be a doormat.


True but not being a door mat does not requiring yelling and arguing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Can't remember who the comedian was who said this but it was to the effect that a man need only know how to say four things to survive in a marriage: Yes dear.... You are right.....I'm sorry.... I won't do it again. My x loved that joke.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

As Sbrown said above, simply refusing to engage in conflict does not mean you're letting yourself being treated like a doormat. 

You're taking the high road and you refuse to drop to her level of petty pointless perpetual conflict that solves nothing.


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