# Trust issues???



## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

My husband and I have been married a short while, and he is wonderful in every way and is more than I could have ever hoped for. There is one problem though which is making my life difficult at the moment.
Along with a couple of other bridesmaids, I am organising my best friends' hens party. The issue is that we might be hiring a male stripper. My hens night was great, and even though I don't care for the stripper thing one was hired for my party. My guests seemed to enjoy it a lot more than me, it isn't something i deem important to celebrate the 'last night of freedom' but each to their own.
My husband didn't have a stripper at his bucks night as he feels strongly against it (he is not a prude, just has strong veiws against stripping) and here in lies the problem. He was very upset that I had a stripper at my do, and doesn't want us to have one at my friends hens.
I know my girlfriend very well, and she has a bit of a wild streak and I know she would get a hoot out of having a stripper involved somewhere in the night's activites as would a lot of the other woman going. Like I said, i don't find it hot or entertaining but want to ensure my friend has the best night possible. I know this will end up in a huge argument between me and my husband. 
I am not entirely sure why he has such an issue with it. I don't know what HE thinks is involved in their act, and he says he trusts me just he doesn't like the idea of a naked man jiggling his man bits in front of me. What does he think will happen? I won't be able to resist and jump on the guy? Ewww! 
He says he trusts me, but if he trusts me, then why be so angry about it? Iv'e never given him reason NOT to trust me, and he usually does in every situation but this one.
Anyway, my dilema is do I possibly hire the stripper or dont I ???
Please help!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just don't go to that part of the party. NOTHING is worth this stress in your relationship. He has fundamental dislike about stripping (I do too. I find it very tacky at these thigns, but whatever)...and it just bothers him. It's not about trust. It's not about you. It's about his beliefs and you are not respecting them.

If it bothers your husband this much, it should be a non-issue with you NOT to go to that part of the party. If your friend wants a stripper, fine. Have someone else order it and tell your friend you'll catch up with them when the stripper leaves.

Seriously, this is SO not worth causing strain in your marriage, imo.

I trust my husband completely,but I have always disliked the idea of strippers at a party for a person who is about to be married. It's just crude, imo. Others may disagree with me, but I have been like that since before I was dating. Thankfully, my husband doesn't like it either, but if either of us were in your situation, we'd put each other first (ha! I just asked him this situation!). I know I would put his feelings before my friends' feelings about a stripper.


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## entrada (Jul 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Just don't go to that part of the party. NOTHING is worth this stress in your relationship. He has fundamental dislike about stripping (I do too. I find it very tacky at these thigns, but whatever)...and it just bothers him. It's not about trust. It's not about you. It's about his beliefs and you are not respecting them.
> 
> If it bothers your husband this much, it should be a non-issue with you NOT to go to that part of the party. If your friend wants a stripper, fine. Have someone else order it and tell your friend you'll catch up with them when the stripper leaves.
> 
> ...


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Just don't go to that part of the party. NOTHING is worth this stress in your relationship. He has fundamental dislike about stripping (I do too. I find it very tacky at these thigns, but whatever)...and it just bothers him. It's not about trust. It's not about you. It's about his beliefs and you are not respecting them.
> 
> If it bothers your husband this much, it should be a non-issue with you NOT to go to that part of the party. If your friend wants a stripper, fine. Have someone else order it and tell your friend you'll catch up with them when the stripper leaves.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice 
Its been playing on my mind and while it hasn't been discussed between us bridesmaids yet, eventually it will be and I will see if THEY can organise it if thats the case. The actual party may be taking place on a small party boat so I could just go onto the pier or deck if they have the stripper. i will have to talk to my husband some more to see what he WOULD be comfortable with.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'll be honest. I don't see the reason for your indecision. You knew your husband had an issue with strippers. He didn't have a stripper at his party. He cut you a break with the one at your party because you didn't plan it and I assume you didn't know. If you push this its going to cause a real problem. Tell your friend you either have the party without the stripper or you won't go.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's not his party. It's your friend's, and it should include whatever will be meaningful and enjoyable for her. 

In my opinion, it's hypocritical and unfair of your husband to try to set these boundaries. If he trusts you, then he can act like it. I'd be more sympathetic if this was something you go out of your way for or want to do often, but the whole "I trust you but I want you to adopt my values and give up your own" thing doesn't work for me. 

Yes, your relationship is important, but this is one of those red flags that signals a control issue / power struggle in my opinion.


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> It's not his party. It's your friend's, and it should include whatever will be meaningful and enjoyable for her.
> 
> In my opinion, it's hypocritical and unfair of your husband to try to set these boundaries. If he trusts you, then he can act like it. I'd be more sympathetic if this was something you go out of your way for or want to do often, but the whole "I trust you but I want you to adopt my values and give up your own" thing doesn't work for me.
> 
> Yes, your relationship is important, but this is one of those red flags that signals a control issue / power struggle in my opinion.


Thanks Kathy
This is what I was trying to get at here. I love my husband and don't want to hurt him and while the stripper thing isn't to my liking either, this party isn't for him or for me. 
Of course I had nothing to do with the organising of the stripper for my hens night, honestly I didn't think they would get one for me, otherwise I would have said I didn't want one there.
Some think it shouldn't be a difficult decision due to the fact I already know he is offended by them, but I feel more hurt about the trust issue- I am not about to do something stupid with someone else at ALL let alone a greased up most likely homosexual man! (Nothing against strippers or being homosexual !)
Im at a 50/50 point where I either tell him that this isnt about him or me and he has to trust me and prove to me he trusts me, or tell my best friends of many years that I can't be there


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, and I dont' agree. When you get married, you respect the other person's values. And they respect yours, even if you may not agree. And personally, those values should be discussed at length before marriage so y'all are on the same page with these types of things.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Interesting issue, and even more interesting seeing the dynamic of the responses, and your reactions to the responses. The way you phrased the issue initially kind of led to the answer you wanted to hear. You have received several responses, and the only one you have liked is the one that says you should have the stripper and that your husband is just being controlling...which is where the initial question was leading. It seems to me like you were looking for validation here that you should go to the party, and your husbands feeling be damned, which is what you really want right?

Personally, if my wife had an issue with me going to a party where there were strippers, no way I would go, no questions asked. My friends are good enough that they would understand.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I just can't get my head around the fact that he thinks he has any right to determine how someone else's party unfolds. 

You might want to explore with him why he is so against strippers and why he is so distressed at the idea of you seeing one. Does he dislike the objectifying of women? If so, why then is he so concerned about some guy wiggling his junk in your presence (and I agree; male strippers are just NOT sexy. Hilarious, maybe, but NOT sexy). He needs to explain his objection to female strippers and how it relates to male strippers. Maybe then you can understand his concern and address it in a way that satisfies him. 

His dislike of the male stripper suggests that he sees stripping as a highly sexualized activity--which it generally is, for men viewing a female stripper. It's just not like this for many women. You have told him that, but he persists in his objections, suggesting he does not believe you. Probe this a bit more before you make a decision. He's not really in touch with what is really at the root of his objection, and that makes it difficult for you to understand or respect his p.o.v. 

Maybe the one he really doesn't trust around a stripper is himself, and he is projecting that onto you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> I just can't get my head around the fact that he thinks he has any right to determine how someone else's party unfolds.
> 
> You might want to explore with him why he is so against strippers and why he is so distressed at the idea of you seeing one. Does he dislike the objectifying of women? If so, why then is he so concerned about some guy wiggling his junk in your presence (and I agree; male strippers are just NOT sexy. Hilarious, maybe, but NOT sexy). He needs to explain his objection to female strippers and how it relates to male strippers. Maybe then you can understand his concern and address it in a way that satisfies him.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure he is trying to determine how someone elses party unfolds, but rather his wifes planning and attendance.

While I agree with some of what you are saying, and understand the rest, I think this whole issue points at something way deeper going on here and really has nothing to do with the stripper. It could be any boundary set by any spouse, and the other spouse knowingly and willingly wanting to cross it.

Based on the fact that the OP's posts have been worded to support her having the strippers there, I have to wonder if her husbands expected reaction has been similarly skewed in the other direction.

Regardless, there are some major communication and respect issues here.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Some of those male strippers get down right nasty. If the OP wants to be around that, then fine...


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## 7chakras (Jul 20, 2012)

If he abstained from strippers so should you. You have to be 50/50 in marriages


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If you don’t respect one of his boundaries, then don’t expect him to respect yours and don’t be surprised when he breaks one.

Who is more important to you, your H or your friends? Who would you rather be supportive of, your H or your friends? Who would you rather upset, your H or your friends? Who is your long term commitment, your H or your friends?

The choice as they say is yours and your alone.

Why on earth you got yourself on the organising team is way beyond me. You could have stayed well out of it and hence wouldn’t be part of the decision making process. It’s almost like you’ve deliberately set all this up for conflict with your husband and to upset him.

Believe me there will be times when your boundaries are tested by your H. In fact you are kind of inviting him to by putting yourself on the organising team. Be sure to remember this one when they are.


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If you don’t respect one of his boundaries, then don’t expect him to respect yours and don’t be surprised when he breaks one.
> 
> Who is more important to you, your H or your friends? Who would you rather be supportive of, your H or your friends? Who would you rather upset, your H or your friends? Who is your long term commitment, your H or your friends?
> 
> ...


I did not put myself on the organising team, i was asked by my friend of 30 years to be her maid of honour. A duty of the maid of honour is to organise the hens party, along with the other bridesmaids. I would not dream of leaving them to organise everything, I am thinking that I could leave them to organise that particular aspect of the night.
I understand what people are saying here, I was after some views other than what i would hear from my husband, and i appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me on TAM.
My feelings about this is all over the place, hence me writing this post to begin with. 
My number one priority IS my husband. Our discussions before marriage covered so many things but this wasn't one of them. Due to the fact that neither he or I reguarly go out or have situations like this come up in our social lives, we have previously never takled this stripper thing. For me it is hard to argue that I should not listen to him and be there when the stripper is present, I want to respect his boundaries and his feelings.
But what is bothering me, is his inability to tell me WHY. Why is this such a problem for him? He is not at all interested in this kind of thing so I know it can't be coming from a place within himself that he doesn't trust. But I need to know why he doesn't trust me. 
Realistically, it should not matter if it was Freddy Kruger dancing naked in the room or Brad Pitt. 
This is just how I feel. I will definatly probe him more, like what was suggested. Before I decide exactly what to do, I need to get to the bottom of this (no pun intended!)


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Angel_Eyes said:


> I did not put myself on the organising team, i was asked by my friend of 30 years to be her maid of honour. A duty of the maid of honour is to organise the hens party, along with the other bridesmaids. I would not dream of leaving them to organise everything, I am thinking that I could leave them to organise that particular aspect of the night.
> I understand what people are saying here, I was after some views other than what i would hear from my husband, and i appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me on TAM.
> My feelings about this is all over the place, hence me writing this post to begin with.
> My number one priority IS my husband. Our discussions before marriage covered so many things but this wasn't one of them. Due to the fact that neither he or I reguarly go out or have situations like this come up in our social lives, we have previously never takled this stripper thing. For me it is hard to argue that I should not listen to him and be there when the stripper is present, I want to respect his boundaries and his feelings.
> ...


Just to clarify, and to make sure I am reading what you are saying correctly...you are still considering having the stripper?

Some of what you say is encouraging, but with all due respect, I am not sure what should be left to decide. At this point, regardless of WHY he feels the way he does, you clearly know how he feels. 

So what if you find out why, and you do not agree with him, or do not think it is as big of a deal as he does? Then what? Do you go ahead with the strippers because you did not think his reason was good enough?

I think it is a good idea to have the discussion as to what exactly his problem is wth strippers. A good idea indeed, but I do not think that discussion should have any bearing on whether or not you decide to have the stripper.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> So what if you find out why, and you do not agree with him, or do not think it is as big of a deal as he does? Then what? Do you go ahead with the strippers because you did not think his reason was good enough?


Bingo! I think you have nailed it bro! :smthumbup:

While the OP has framed the debate to her husband as a trust issue, he will interpret it as his wife arguing about why shouldn't she be in front of a stripper. He will conclude that OP wants to be in front of a stripper as badly as OP argues with him.

In the end the argument that you have with him will do more damage than if you just put it aside now. You think of it as "eww" remember? It shouldn't matter to you (but will mean a lot to him).

Listen to the wise trolls above. They have given you some really good advice


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

But surely you did put yourself on the organising team by accepting the invitation? And surely you did know about your H’s view on strippers before you put yourself on the organising team? Your husband will know that as well and that’ll be part of what’s messing him off if he is messed off.

Why do you think it’s about trust? It could be all about certain types of behaviour, values and beliefs. And a serious clash of those things can bring a marriage down, even if little by little.

I do have empathy with you in that I can almost feel your disappointment and conundrum. You’ve only been married a short while and here you are with a seemingly very big decision to make. Do you go with your friends or do you go with your husband? Don’t get me wrong as I do think you are in a very big dilemma.

Marriage is a lot about compromise and even sacrifice at times. One of you has got to compromise or make a sacrifice on this one. How you navigate it all will be an experience for you from which you’ll both learn.



Why not just ask your H if he’ll give you a pass this time? Appeal to his generosity and see what happens.


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## Angel_Eyes (Jul 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> But surely you did put yourself on the organising team by accepting the invitation? And surely you did know about your H’s view on strippers before you put yourself on the organising team? Your husband will know that as well and that’ll be part of what’s messing him off if he is messed off.
> 
> Why do you think it’s about trust? It could be all about certain types of behaviour, values and beliefs. And a serious clash of those things can bring a marriage down, even if little by little.
> 
> ...


Thank you everyone for your comments and advice 
AFEH thanks for sounding so understanding. This is our first 'issue' since being married so while it would be an easy choice for some who may have been through this kind of thing before, not so easy for us.
I didn't think it could be down to up-bringing and beliefs, we are from different back grounds ( I am born Aussie) that could have a lot to do with it.
Where I am from, our 'mates' mean a LOT to us so I am finding that hard to back away from - I know I have a lot to learn. We both do. I am his first real girlfriend (now wife) and he hadn't been with anyone prior to me. I have had a couple of long term relationships and I think his insecurities (if thats what this is) could be from that?
And yes I knew about his feelings about strippers before I accepted to be maid of honour but when I accepted I didn't think of this straight away which is my fault i know.
I know I sound really confused and I appologize for that, it's just a crappy situation really.
I will sit on it a while before I talk to him about it for now, we have some talking to do but I'll give it some time


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If it was me it wouldn’t be about insecurity or lack of trust. I just think that type of behaviour is really gross while at the same time don’t even want to go near being a party pooper or wanting to spoil my wife’s fun with her mates. So I’d be in a dilemma as well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes a person can't explain why. They just don't like/want something and that's it.

I have a couple things like that.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

IMO this isn't really a trust issue but respect. I would help plan it, have the stripper come later in the party, then leave when he arrives. You said it's not your thing either, but it is her party and what she wants. It will be a good lesson for the friend that is getting married when she sees you stand up for marriage.


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