# Wife told me she doesn't love me anymore...scared, lonely, lost...



## FiresF8

Hello,

I am 34 and been married to my wife for 12 years, we have two children a 6yo girl and a 3yo boy. On my birthday about a week ago my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore. Now she is talking separation. She has been researching separation laws thinking I don't know. 

I am still very much in love with my wife. I have contacted marriage counselors but am afraid she is set on separation. I feel so scared and alone. She wants no physical contact with me, she doesn't say she loves or misses me anymore. I didn't even see this coming. I have been a jerk to her due to my own personal stresses. I am very overweight, work a very dangerous job that doesn't allow much sleep. 

I can't lose my family...I can't imagine my wife in the future with another man and another man holding and kissing my children. This all makes me so sick to my stomach. I am hurting so bad. I have expressed to her how much I love her and my longing for her to not leave and try to stay and work it out. She is very resistant. She already seems to have plans in place to be able to leave. I can't imagine not waking up to see my children or coming home to my wife. 

I am destroyed. I hate that I have been letting her hurt for so long, I had no idea, I didn't read the signs. I feel like I have lost a fight i never had the chance to be part of.


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## anx

This unfortunately is a common theme in these forums.

There is hope that you will reconcile, but there is no silver bullet.

My story is in the reconciliation section.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconc...seling-reconciliation-success.html#post259366

Become a better man for your wife, for yourself, or for your next relationship. If she does reconnect, it will take time and probably a separation. Separation isn't all bad depending on how it goes. Do MC and commit yourself to it. MC is VERY hard and the process is hard. Changing yourself is hard. Its hard to know what to change, how to change it, and if you are right because everyone is hurt and not thinking strait.

Find books that seem helpful as you go through this process.

Stay strong, best of luck, and there is hope. Please feel free to post if you have other issues as this goes. It seems you are on the right track and understand where to go from here.


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## bluesky

Investigate secretly.

Review cell phone log
Install a key logger on her computer
Put a voice activated recorder in her car.

It sounds VERY much like she is having an affair.
VERY VERY much like that.

Consider the fact of the sudden change, not wanting to be intimate, no warning, AND NOW TALKING SEPERATION!

RED FLAG---AFFAIR!


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## FiresF8

Bluesky that is really crossed my mind and I have confronted her about it in some of our conversations. She denies it still. I would hate to do all of that stuff and betray her trust. I did try to install a key logger but it didn't work, I figured that was the least of the evils. 

I don't want to be separated from my wife and family. I love them. I have been my share of as*hole that is for sure, I just didn't see this drastic change coming. I am really hurt right now.


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## bluesky

We ALL can be *******s!
We are human.

If she is having an affair, it does not mean the end of your marriage. 
Her behavior is very consistent with a woman having an affair.

DO NOT WORRY about invading her privacy....hell she is talking Seperation anyway.

I will bet my paycheck that she is either emotionally or physically involved with a man......and has been since BEFORE you noticed the change.


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## bluesky

By the way.....if you want to talk off the forum...send me a message.


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## FiresF8

I honestly don't believe she has been cheating. She really doesn't have time to cheat. She works, comes home with the kids and that is about it. I am around 20 out of 30 days of the month. the others I am at work. She also isn't really the type to cheat, I don't think she has it in her.


I am really hoping that marriage counseling will help. I feel like crap over all of this. I am the one that did this not her. I pushed her away and didn't realize I was doing it.


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## anx

I don't agree with invading her privacy. You really don't want to jeopardize any hope you have now. do not do this.

You need to show her you are invested, loving, want to make this work, and strong all at the same time (while you are going through the hardest thing you'll probably ever do).



> I am really hoping that marriage counseling will help. I feel like crap over all of this. I am the one that did this not her. I pushed her away and didn't realize I was doing it.


You NEED to say this to her in counseling or before. Say that you are sorry fairly often. admit to your past mistakes. Be 100% open and honest.

She might have cheated, but I have no idea. If she did, she used how unhappy she was to justify it. 

This stuff too often comes out of the blue and isn't communicated until its too late. You probably were both hurt and didn't know a better way (despite the way being wrong). Communication is something that can be built up in counseling, but it takes time.


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## Atholk

FiresF8 said:


> I honestly don't believe she has been cheating. She really doesn't have time to cheat. She works, comes home with the kids and that is about it. I am around 20 out of 30 days of the month. the others I am at work. She also isn't really the type to cheat, I don't think she has it in her.
> 
> I am really hoping that marriage counseling will help. I feel like crap over all of this. I am the one that did this not her. I pushed her away and didn't realize I was doing it.


All women are the type to cheat. Their threshold for actually doing it can vary greatly, but everyone has their breaking point where they just fold up the morals and go to the dark side.

"I'm not in love with you" is nebulous. What exactly is her complaint?


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## DHC

sounds exactly like my wife, my wife is gone. she told me she doesnt love me anymore, she doesnt say she misses me and she seems set on separation, my wife is now staying with her dad...it was also my fault, i called her mean things and had little patience for her


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## capacity83

sorry to hear this man.. i feel u should start taking care of urself. Lose the weight, be more attractive again. Hit the gym. Attraction is one ingredient in a successful relationship because when everything elsess fails, the attraction is still there. It's a powerful tool. But in saying this, everything u do from the day she dropped the bomb, will only push her further away. Work on urself, take care of ur kids. If she stays, she stays. Check out the 180.


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## Goldmember357

FiresF8 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am 34 and been married to my wife for 12 years, we have two children a 6yo girl and a 3yo boy. On my birthday about a week ago my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore. Now she is talking separation. She has been researching separation laws thinking I don't know.
> 
> I am still very much in love with my wife. I have contacted marriage counselors but am afraid she is set on separation. I feel so scared and alone. She wants no physical contact with me, she doesn't say she loves or misses me anymore. I didn't even see this coming. I have been a jerk to her due to my own personal stresses. I am very overweight, work a very dangerous job that doesn't allow much sleep.
> 
> I can't lose my family...I can't imagine my wife in the future with another man and another man holding and kissing my children.  This all makes me so sick to my stomach. I am hurting so bad. I have expressed to her how much I love her and my longing for her to not leave and try to stay and work it out. She is very resistant. She already seems to have plans in place to be able to leave. I can't imagine not waking up to see my children or coming home to my wife.
> 
> I am destroyed. I hate that I have been letting her hurt for so long, I had no idea, I didn't read the signs. I feel like I have lost a fight i never had the chance to be part of.


If she wants out than its best to leave because you do not need to go through this pain she is not interested anymore and you can do better and move on. I am not sure if you have found jesus and god but i think that helps people (helps me) and many others. Anyhow be grateful for all the good you have in your life and be happy you have wonderful children and be happy you had those experiences with your wife. There was more than likely a "love" at some point. However this love is not the Consummate love or the "true love" if it was than this would of never happened. 

Triangular theory of love - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

^ find which love you had likely the compassionate love or fatuous love. 


I wish you best of luck and you will meet another woman


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## Alyosha

bluesky said:


> Investigate secretly.
> 
> Review cell phone log
> Install a key logger on her computer
> Put a voice activated recorder in her car.
> 
> It sounds VERY much like she is having an affair.
> VERY VERY much like that.
> 
> Consider the fact of the sudden change, not wanting to be intimate, no warning, AND NOW TALKING SEPERATION!
> 
> RED FLAG---AFFAIR!


She's having an affair. Emotionally "checking out" of the relationship and wanting a separation (read -- freedom and privacy to f' the OM) is all part of a well worn script.

Get a copy of Women's Infidelity. It's all there.


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## deejov

Alyosha said:


> She's having an affair. Emotionally "checking out" of the relationship and wanting a separation (read -- freedom and privacy to f' the OM) is all part of a well worn script.
> 
> Get a copy of Women's Infidelity. It's all there.


There are a few posters on here including me that qualify as "walk away wives". NO cheating involved.

Simply time and time again of "being an ass" behavior and repeatedly trying to make yourself heard... needs not being met and emotionally... GONE.

It does happen. It's called resentment, and giving up on the marriage. Doesn't 100% mean someone else is involved.

I behaved the same way. Stopped doing things together. Off on my own doing my own thing. No more intimacy. Asking for a separation. 

Same outcome, though.


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## hopefullorhopeless

FiresF8 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am 34 and been married to my wife for 12 years, we have two children a 6yo girl and a 3yo boy. On my birthday about a week ago my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore. Now she is talking separation. She has been researching separation laws thinking I don't know.
> 
> I am still very much in love with my wife. I have contacted marriage counselors but am afraid she is set on separation. I feel so scared and alone. She wants no physical contact with me, she doesn't say she loves or misses me anymore. I didn't even see this coming. I have been a jerk to her due to my own personal stresses. I am very overweight, work a very dangerous job that doesn't allow much sleep.
> 
> I can't lose my family...I can't imagine my wife in the future with another man and another man holding and kissing my children. This all makes me so sick to my stomach. I am hurting so bad. I have expressed to her how much I love her and my longing for her to not leave and try to stay and work it out. She is very resistant. She already seems to have plans in place to be able to leave. I can't imagine not waking up to see my children or coming home to my wife.
> 
> I am destroyed. I hate that I have been letting her hurt for so long, I had no idea, I didn't read the signs. I feel like I have lost a fight i never had the chance to be part of.



Hi Im going thru the same thing I have found things on her phone caught her in lies showed here where she was when she said she was someplace else (THANKS CELLPHONE GPS TRACKING) but I still love her with all my heart I ask her if she wants a divorce she says no I ask her if she still wants me she says I don't know this is harder than losing someone to a death and I tell here that all the time... Good luck....


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## next_step

deejov:

Curious, did you reconcile with your husband? and regardless from your perspective what worked and did not work when a husband is trying to reconcile with a walk away wife.


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## mkaspiev

FiresF8 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am 34 and been married to my wife for 12 years, we have two children a 6yo girl and a 3yo boy. On my birthday about a week ago my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore. Now she is talking separation. She has been researching separation laws thinking I don't know.
> 
> I am still very much in love with my wife. I have contacted marriage counselors but am afraid she is set on separation. I feel so scared and alone. She wants no physical contact with me, she doesn't say she loves or misses me anymore. I didn't even see this coming. I have been a jerk to her due to my own personal stresses. I am very overweight, work a very dangerous job that doesn't allow much sleep.
> 
> I can't lose my family...I can't imagine my wife in the future with another man and another man holding and kissing my children. This all makes me so sick to my stomach. I am hurting so bad. I have expressed to her how much I love her and my longing for her to not leave and try to stay and work it out. She is very resistant. She already seems to have plans in place to be able to leave. I can't imagine not waking up to see my children or coming home to my wife.
> 
> I am destroyed. I hate that I have been letting her hurt for so long, I had no idea, I didn't read the signs. I feel like I have lost a fight i never had the chance to be part of.


I feel the same! My wife is gorgeous and I have 2 beautiful daughters. Our 15 year wedding anniversary is in 26 days (yes I count), and about 4 weeks ago she told me. Im so devastated, lost, confused and VERY scared. I love her so much and always have and its the most painful thing I experienced. I so hurt and I know how you feel. I hope it gets better but for me, instead of getting better by the day like people say, its getting worse and worse. I though suicide many times but I have girls that need me but at the same time I can't live with this pain anymore. I just don't know why to do to stop it. God bless you man! Pray for me and I'll pray for you!


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## Stang197

mkaspiev said:


> FiresF8 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Hello,
> 
> I am 34 and been married to my wife for 12 years, we have two children a 6yo girl and a 3yo boy. On my birthday about a week ago my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore. Now she is talking separation. She has been researching separation laws thinking I don't know.
> 
> I am still very much in love with my wife. I have contacted marriage counselors but am afraid she is set on separation. I feel so scared and alone. She wants no physical contact with me, she doesn't say she loves or misses me anymore. I didn't even see this coming. I have been a jerk to her due to my own personal stresses. I am very overweight, work a very dangerous job that doesn't allow much sleep.
> 
> I can't lose my family...I can't imagine my wife in the future with another man and another man holding and kissing my children. This all makes me so sick to my stomach. I am hurting so bad. I have expressed to her how much I love her and my longing for her to not leave and try to stay and work it out. She is very resistant. She already seems to have plans in place to be able to leave. I can't imagine not waking up to see my children or coming home to my wife.
> 
> I am destroyed. I hate that I have been letting her hurt for so long, I had no idea, I didn't read the signs. I feel like I have lost a fight i never had the chance to be part of.
> 
> 
> 
> I feel the same! My wife is gorgeous and I have 2 beautiful daughters. Our 15 year wedding anniversary is in 26 days (yes I count), and about 4 weeks ago she told me. Im so devastated, lost, confused and VERY scared. I love her so much and always have and its the most painful thing I experienced. I so hurt and I know how you feel. I hope it gets better but for me, instead of getting better by the day like people say, its getting worse and worse. I though suicide many times but I have girls that need me but at the same time I can't live with this pain anymore. I just don't know why to do to stop it. God bless you man! Pray for me and I'll pray for you!
Click to expand...

This is a zombie thread. You should start your own. Sorry your hurting though.


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## MattMatt

Zombie thread, closed down.


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