# What year in your marriage did you REALLY start getting along?



## paypay

I guess my title says it all about! 

I've been married for almost 8 years. We still fight alot, and have had a rough marriage. But things are getting better, slowly.

How long were you married before you actually started getting along and really making it work?

Thank you all!!

Patience


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## MGirl

I imagine it would be when you both learn to communicate with each other effectively...that's an area my husband and I are struggling with/working on currently


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## greenpearl

We have been together for about eight years, married for about six! 

My husband and I had to go through a rough phase. 

I had insecurity issues, impatience issues, anger issues, 

We come from two different cultures, he is Western, I am Eastern. He grew up in democracy, I grew up in a communist country! He liked to spend money, I liked to save money..........................

But love bonded us together, love strengthened our relationship! 

At the beginning of our relationship, I think we were fighting once a month regularly. 

After we got married, we fought less and less, I think my insecurity issue was solved! 

Now we hardly fight or argue anymore, we still disagree sometimes, but it is nothing important! 

Both of us are giving people, we have a lot of respect for each other! Making the other one happy is our goal! If you see two people are trying to compete to give more, then you really feel the sweetness!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

It was about 8 years.

Lot's of adjustments.

With a stepchild, new baby of our own, getting used to each other and how we viewed/did things, etc.

After about 8 years though, things settled down.

We still argue, don't get me wrong - but nothing like we did in those first 8 years.


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## LuvMyH

My husband and I will be celebrating our 12th anniversary in July. The past two have been the best, by far. Somewhere between our 9th and 10th year, we started to appreciate each other instead of fighting all the time. I hate that it seems like we wasted so much time. Seeing this thread makes me feel better about it. Atleast I know we're not the only ones who took a long time to get things right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rough Patch Sewing

My wife and I will be celebrating our 7th anniversary in 6 days and though our living situation is at it's poorest, our marriage relationship is at its zenith. We are getting a long, communicating better, understanding our needs and expectations better. I say that for us, year six, leading up to year seven has been the best so far.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Ok. I forgot to mention the year that led up to year six in which we were at the zenith in our prosperity. That was a good year too. In the blink of an eye, I lost my job and we lost our dream of living in the mountains of North Carolina. It is just that our personal relationship has only become better and better.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm

While unfortunate that it sometimes took so long for a married couple to really start getting along, at the same time it is very encouraging. My own marriage (#2 for me, #1 for my wife) has had its struggles but after 2.5 years of marriage, we are finally starting to get along more often than we fight. The first 6 months seemed pretty smooth but for the next 18 months or more, the gloves really came off and there were some very nasty fights with lots of very hurtful things said, a few nights here and there of sleeping separately, a few things around the house broken and quite a few tears.

Only in the last couple months are we getting along much better and, obviously, I hope it only continues to improve.

A question to those who said it took quite a few years before you were getting along...early in the marriage when you were NOT getting along, did you intentionally have children, and, if so, what was the thought process behind that? I mean I would think if you're not getting along that the last thing you'd be thinking of would be to bring a child into a rocky marriage.

I ask because my own wife is dying to start a family and I, too, would like to start a family, although I believe I am more cautious and level headed and don't want to start a family before our communication has improved and we are not constantly fighting. The last couple months have been very good for us, yet, I do wonder if that is because the communication has really improved and we are being more respectful of each other's feelings or if it is just that she wants to start a family now rather than later.


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## I'mAllIn

Very different situation for us I guess. The early years were the easiest. It felt kindof like "Us Against the World", newly married, very little money, and two small children. We had the common goals of taking care of the littles and keeping the bills paid. I'd say years 1-10 were the best for us. Years 11-17 were a little more difficult but still good as we each became more successful in our careers, worked more, made more money but communicated less and spent less time together and fought a little bit more. Years 18-20 just about did us in. The kids were around less to buffer the fights, we started to take each other for granted, and some career boredom set in. It took us a little over 2 years and a near affair on my husband's part to get us back on track.


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## FirstYearDown

Our relationship became much happier after we married. No more fights about my rude and manipulative mother or wedding drama. My husband finally found employment after a year of searching; the recession kicked both of us in the backside. 

We lived together for our engagment of two years, so we had time to adjust to each other, before we walked down the aisle. I love the way family strife and financial difficulties tested us prior to becoming Mr and Mrs. Our relationship is stronger than most young marrieds, because we have already survived some hard times. There is much less of a honeymoon period when the couple has cohabited. 

Now that my husband's vasectomy is only two weeks away, we are excited about our childfreedom being cemented by a permanent procedure.

We started getting along during our first year, after a tumultuous engagement. I am excited for the rest of our lives together. :smthumbup:


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## that_girl

This year--- our 3rd year of marriage.

It only came about by really communicating and accepting each other for who we are AND taking care of each others needs.


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## 4sure

We were great up to year 14. Now year 16 is causing us to wonder if we should stay together.


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## Thewife

For us...
first 2 years - we fought at least 2x a month mostly small matters and resolved within that day
next 3 years-at least once a month but have had bad ones that kept us angry for nearly a week
5-7th not much and we easily resolved the problems
8th year was the worst for us as we became parents of twins and lots of demand on each other
9th year till now (13th year)-no quarrels we know each other well and know how to express ourselves without hurting one another. 

Generally I think when a couple will stop quarrelling depends on how fast they learn from their problems. Guess I am a slow learner or kids slowed us down. Hoping the understanding gets better with each year.


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## SimplyAmorous

Me & mine were together for 8 long years before we married, we never had drag down nasty fights, anytime we did argue/fight, it was resolved the same day with no lasting effects, we strived to live by that old saying ..."*To never let the sun go down on our anger"*...My Grandma taught me that when I was growing up to use that in my marriage. We have pretty much, always gotten along very well. 

I was definitely the more difficult of the 2 of us though-if one had to compare- He is more passive than me, so most things started was by my hand, he likely didn't even deserve the majority of it -but we always seemed to learn "something" about ourselves -from each conflict, I wouldn't count it a bad thing at all. 

It helps when you are on the same page in so many vital areas... although our temperments are complete opposites..... we had near everything else in common.... we shared the same dreams/goals , both on the old fashioned side, where we wanted to live, how to spend our money (both savers), how many kids (big family), how to raise/discipline them , our love languages are in the same order, down to us both being "home buddies", and what we enjoyed together..... we do have our own personal hobbies but that is well & good, we still can appeciate each others gifts . 

The only 2 issues we had in our past.... I was more religious than him, and he wanted more sex than me for many years, but even that we didn't fight about -but it did hurt us in silent ways. Now both of us are on the same page there -which has been a real blessing. Mid life has been the best of all. We can look back and see all we have accomplished together , and things we have grown in .


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## illinoishubbyandwifey

Close to 7 years before we really, truly "got it"


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## anotherguy

If anything, I think the missus worries that we dont fight enough.

We lived together for 5 years, and have been married now for almost 19.

Typically we get along very well. Occasionally, something happens and one of us blows up and it gets very upsetting since we frankly dont have much experience fighting. I'd also say that she is more volatile and will blow up and come down relatvely quickly... me, it take a long time before I even get close to boiling over and it can take me DAYS before I come back down... so when we get into a fight she will want to play kissy face or at least nice an hour later and I dont want any part of it. I hear alot about 'makeup sex', but Im not always able to let it all go that quick. (sigh)

The 'dont go to bed angry' advice is good I guess, but it happens. For me, I am usually much better off in the morning and we are both morning sex people. Funny how that helps take the edge off and everyone gets out of bed all sunny. ('what were we fighting about again?') 

As the years march on, I think we get more in tune with what buttons should and should not be pushed, and can see the warning signs more in advance, so I dont think it was a 'how many years before it gets better. For us, I suppose every year is maybe a little bit better... it adds up.


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## southbound

I was married for 18 years when my wife asked for a divorce because she was no longer happy. I guess it's odd, but we had a great marriage from day one. It seemed like a dream relationship. We never had huge fights. As a matter of fact, we rarely argued at all. Some suggest that some fighting is good; I may have to agree at this point. After about 18 years, she had a lot of nit picks and was done.


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## heartsbeating

We were extremely strong at the start. Him and I against the world. Truly had each others back. There were a few minor "moments" between us after about the third year, just part of growing up together and being in our 20s really, but nothing dramatic or long-lasting. Then I'd say around our 11th year, looking back, a disconnect slowly began. We both understand the reasons why. No arguing but a slight disconnect nonetheless. We stepped up and corrected this. We became stronger again, with a few ebbs and flows. Then from years 15-16 together (including last year), there were some big life changes and the implications affected us both on various levels. The cracks started to show. Communication - really honest, open communication helped us. I think the last year was the most "work" we've ever had to do in our relationship. It likely surprised both of us. Heartbreaking to go through, for the first time we really questioned our relationship. Your world feels upside down. We had been so used to the "you and me against the world" feeling for so long, but wake-up calls can be a good thing. I'm proud of us for having the will to embrace this part of our journey. And no doubt there's going to be other big moments to deal with but hopefully now we're more equipped with how to handle things.

Expressing openly isn't a bad thing. The way the message is delivered should be considered though. And listen, truly LISTEN, put your ego aside and listen.


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## Blanca

Took us about 5 years


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## Noel1987

Hopefully this 2012 will my wedding year


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## Noel1987

Blanca said:


> Took us about 5 years


Are you using tarots for your future????


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## Blanca

Noel1987 said:


> Are you using tarots for your future????


Quite an ignorant statement coming from someone who's never been married.


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## Pandakiss

it took us 3 years after living together to get right fighting. 7 whole years later, resentments were talked about, and we started up that mountain.

by this point we have been together 15 years....we should have been ok, but it still took another 5 years to figure out triggers, and are just starting to put two and two together during a fight, that it might be a trigger.

we have been together 21 years, married 11..we have always wanted to be together.....we both just kept trying to make it work.

we did have some rough, and rocky times, he is just finally understanding my body language, and i have to be a lot more direct with my words.

gee..ya think we would have mastered talking a long time ago...


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## Unhappy2011

Wow.....

Is this thread really asking this question and are people really responding as if this is normal?

I mean people actually get married even though they don't really get along?

Why did you do it?


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## Blanca

Unhappy2011 said:


> Wow.....
> 
> Is this thread really asking this question and are people really responding as if this is normal?
> 
> I mean people actually get married even though they don't really get along?
> 
> Why did you do it?


I know it's so weird, right?!? And those people that get divorced, what is their deal? Why would you get married if you're just gonna get divorced. SO WEIRD.


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## Conrad

Still waiting for her to be nice to me.


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## AFEH

Blanca said:


> I know it's so weird, right?!? And those people that get divorced, what is their deal? Why would you get married if you're just gonna get divorced. SO WEIRD.


:rofl: thanks for that B. I needed it :rofl:


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## janesmith

year 16. Just celebrated our 18th anniversay


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## Conrad

janesmith said:


> year 16. Just celebrated our 18th anniversay


Jane,

Any idea why it took so long?


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## candiceh

When my husband and I were in our first year into our marriage,clicked when we were dating.Will be celebrating 3 years on Tuesday.


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## Enchantment

We've been married 23 years.

Dating and the first year of marriage were fantastic. Then the honeymoon period was over and we had to get down to the business of learning how to live together and really get along - and we found we didn't get along very well at all once both of our rose-coloured glasses were off.

It was pretty rocky through the fourth year, then we made a re-commitment to each other and the marriage and it improved dramatically.

Everything was going very well until about the 12th year when my H got a new job and we moved 3 times in 18 months. It was horribly stressful and a few cracks appeared again. Getting back to a point where we were 'settled down' again helped a lot.

Then about 3 - 4 years ago, I realized that I wanted a lot more out of our relationship and marriage and pondered for quite some time on what exactly it was that I wanted and how to go about achieving it. It was at that point that I realized that I needed to learn to be a lot more giving and appreciative and vulnerable in the marriage.

So, even though the last 2 years have physically been something of a bear for me at times (and for him too), they have actually been the BEST so
far.


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## Conrad

Iwant2bhappy said:


> It will be 20 years in August we have been married. As of 9 months ago...I can honestly say I have just now fallen in love with my husband. The past 9 months have been the best. So I will say it took us 19 years to get along. Pretty sad, huh?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Better late than never.


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## Conrad

We married because there are simply ways we complement each other that are amazing. She's tremendously creative - but never really discovered it until we were together. We've had weekends where we've sold 2 thousand dollars worth of products (home made) with less than 5 hundred in product costs.

Our sexual compatibility is off the charts white hot.

We're the best of friends - and we simply love hanging together.

We simply could conquer the world together IF we figured out how to be good to each other.

Married 4 years and I can't get her to answer the question what it would take for her to consider and be nice to me.





Iwant2bhappy said:


> True...
> 
> Not saying it was all my fault because he has flaws too, but I always ask him, why did he stay? He never really gives me a straight answer though.
> 
> I stayed because I felt obligated to the kids and him. Not obligated because I was in love with him (loved him, but not in love).
> 
> So sad 19 years of intimacy wasted. But, like you said, better late than never.
> 
> These past 9 months months have been the best ever... glad I turned myself around.


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## janesmith

Conrad said:


> Jane,
> 
> Any idea why it took so long?


I was very self centered and immature. Ive since grown up a lot and he has responded nicely


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## Conrad

janesmith said:


> I was very self centered and immature. Ive since grown up a lot and he has responded nicely


Jane,

Upon further review, my question must have seemed rather abrupt.

It wasn't my intention.

I am fascinated by this subject because I have learned so much about myself and how I was coming across to her -and to everyone in my life.

Growing up - better late than never.

Yet, I see it's so much easier to pick the flaws in your partner. But, it's so so counterproductive. Now, I'm faced with knowing who I want - but realizing what it would take to make it happen.

I'd really like it if we could have a similar epiphany to the one you describe.


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## janesmith

Hiya Conrad,

I realized I can only be a better me and for that to happen only I could make that happen. When I stopped concentrating on what he wasnt doing and started appreciating what he was doing, he was more receptive to meeting my needs. We married young and had no idea what it meant to make a marriage work. We both had our own preconceived notions about what marriage was and what each other should be.

I started to make being happy MY priority and hoped he would come along for the journey and he has. I dont look back and think, man we wasted time. I think instead at each phase in my life i was right where i needed to be to learn the lessons i needed to learn.

Now when i think of our marriage I feel as though I have something to look forward to. I am happier and so is he. I think there are things he still needs to work on but thats his job not mine and Im okay with that. For the most part we are happy.

When i start to get annoyed with him, i fill up my mind with all the good that is him. I speak up when things bother me and dont let them fester. I talk instead of giving him the silent treatment. I want me to be happy, but I find I want him to be happy WITH me even more.


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## UnhappyHusband

Around the 10th year, which is where we're at now.


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## Cherry

5 years. We had a lot and I mean a lot going on for the first 5 years.... Some of it we brought on ourselves, some of it we brought in to our marriage from prior problems, some of it was just nature. I am happy to report, H and I have not had a fight, other than the occasional disagreement, in over 3 months now. I know that our communication has improved dramatically over the years. And my husband has admitted he did not take our marriage serious for several years early on, hence the cheating, lying, deception, etc. He has changed in that regard and I truly believe he wants to be a family finally. I am excited, but only time will tell


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## ashamed74

We had lots of fights mostly over little things that should have never been fights. We both ended up in jail together in year one. It was funny how when she came into jail for booking and I saw her I smiled and she smiled back. After that we never went through anything like that again. We didn't really start getting along until year 8. By then we knew how to live with one another and how not to make something into nothing. I really appreciate how she knows how to defuse me when I'm mad. With her I just think she's so cute when she's mad there's no way I can be mad anymore. I usually walk up to her and kiss her when she's mad. Sometimes it annoys her even more but I never let her temper flare mine up I just focus on the beauty.


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## The Gottman Institute

I think it really just depends... I've known people who were on the same page from day one, others it took 8-9 years. All of the relationships still require work though. What's the old saying? its not a destination it's a journey.


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