# Not even a part of either family



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So, going to try and be as lucid and not...freaked the [email protected] out as I can be here. 


Now, my dad came to my work like 3/4 weeks ago. He is a jewelry vendor, and tried to sell stuff to my boss. 
And we had a frank conversation about...things. 
And by frank, I mean no one was hurt when it was over. 


And for some reason, I can't remember now, he brought up that mom had a supposed EA 2 decades ago, during their marriage, and that she wasn't the perfect whatever. 
And he even threw out there, I doubt you're even my son. 

I shrugged it off, but after a week or 2, I just wanted to know. That gnawing in my head was so annoying. So I bought one of them paternity test kits. 

So I swabbed the inside of my mouth. 
And to get him to do it, I asked my sister to get him to swab the inside of his mouth one day when I drove her over to his house. 
So, could he have totally F-ed with me and just done whatever? I guess. 

Got the results yesterday. 
Got home today to find the crap on my bed. 
And opened it. 
And I threw up after reading the results. 

Not my dad's son. 

I don't even know what to ask.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Wow! I'm so sorry. It doesn't change who you are though. I wished I had something better to say.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Geez. I don't even know what to say. Any chance you can talk to your dad about getting a test, without telling him you took one? Maybe his reaction will tell you a lot about how he feels. That could start a dialogue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> What a shock this must be for you. Remember that if he raised you since birth, showed you the love and attention that most fathers do and continues to act as your father *then he is your father no matter the DNA*.


From ages 0-19, yea, he was a fine dad. Ish. 
Not the most involved. But he was a dad when he needed to be. 

After the divorce, felt like he was trying to replace me. 


And cuckolding a man doesn't make him my father. 
Adopting a child that you willingly, and knowingly, take in. Yes. 
Cuckold. NO!!!



and HOLY ****!!!!
all those fights we got in. 
Maybe that's why. I am coming into my own. I am different. I am not him. He was so angry, 

Sure, his affair wasn'ty right. 

But...this, explains so much. 
And...

He's angry. 

I am just, my mind is trying to process this. 

So...who wronged who more now? 
God, I feel like my life belongs on that fvcking Maury show.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

oh boy.

me too btw.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> But...this, explains so much.
> And...
> 
> He's angry.
> ...


Yes, it does explain a lot.

But that is his life and your mom's life. They wronged each other. You wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mom's affair, so while it was wrong for her to do it you can't say she wronged YOU.

If your dad was a good father to you and raised you as his, he thinks of you as his child. As I recall, your friction with him was regarding his affair and his marriage. You may be assuming incorrectly what he thinks of you.

You should talk to a counselor about all this. Ultimately I think you and your dad should have a good deep talk about all this, but probably not immediately. After a little bit of therapy you might be in a much better place to discuss it.

Have you thought about whether you want to know who your bio dad is?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What does your mother say?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Next stop is mom. She's got some explaining to do.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> It's tough to know without more details. *Did he know for sure you weren't his son or did he just suspect? Perhaps he wanted so badly for you to be his that he never tested because he was scared to find out the truth?* It's not his fault that your mom had an affair. I'm sorry you are finding out now...I imagine there is never a good time to find this out though. *Is there someone you can talk to in your family to get more information?*


I don't know the answer to any of those questions. 
Except the last one. 
No. I am pretty much disowned. By both sides. 



Thor said:


> Yes, it does explain a lot.
> 
> But that is his life and your mom's life. They wronged each other. *You wouldn't be here if it weren't for your mom's affair, so while it was wrong for her to do it you can't say she wronged YOU.*


Yea, I can. 
Lying and saying a man is my father when he isn't? 
I would say that ranks right up there with punching your kid in the face. 
And now my medical records are F-ed. 
And a bunch of other stuff. 
So yea. Try that line on me one more time. 



> If your dad was a good father to you and raised you as his, he thinks of you as his child. As I recall, your friction with him was regarding his affair and his marriage. You may be assuming incorrectly what he thinks of you.
> 
> You should talk to a counselor about all this. Ultimately I think you and your dad should have a good deep talk about all this, but probably not immediately. After a little bit of therapy you might be in a much better place to discuss it.


What would that accomplish. 
When I thought I was his son, our conversations still ended with fist fights. 
Now, apply the current situation, and our past. 
I believe that ends with me in jail. 



> Have you thought about whether you want to know who your bio dad is?


I would like to get to know him in a boxing ring. Or wrestling tournament. Or Demolition derby. Or other potentially lethal sport.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> What does your mother say?


How do I ask her this. 

She barely even talks to me now. 

and..

that would explain cutting me off. 
Maybe my siblings are dad's, I'm not. Cut me out. 

Maybe she never even loved me? 

Could explain why it was easy to cut me out for the holidays. 
I guess.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do you think your mother knows your dad isn't your father? Could there be a chance she doesn't? 

Maybe your bio father has no idea, who knows what he was told.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Wow, you lost your roots and core in one day.

There are 10 things you cant change in life (10 unchangeables) and your parentage is one of them, but who you want to be and who you will become at your core are not one of them.

You have been dealt a difficult hand, respect yourself enough to play it well and make your world a reflection of your core and you will be an interesting and influential person.

Everyone has to do this (not all do) to some extent but you have a unique start, which means not many have traveled it before, I really wish you well as you work through this.

Take care!


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I'm sorry but you're cutting your mother too much slack. She OWES you information regarding who your biological father is. For potential medical reasons and because you have a right to know.


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

Fitnessfan said:


> How have you been disowned? What did they say that makes you think this?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/231722-rejected-both-families.html


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> How have you been disowned? What did they say that makes you think this?


My grandparents refused to have me over for their Thanksgiving this year because I was my father's best man in his wedding last year. 

And my mother told me I couldn't be in the house for Christmas, because they were here. 

I spent Thanksgiving in a homeless shelter, and Christmas drunk in a church parking lot. 

and dad did reach out somewhat. 
But I refused. Given our past at the time, I felt it was a manipulative attempt on his end to get something he wanted.
I feel like he has done that in the past, so I didn't want to find out if it was...it doesn't amtter. 


As for talking to mom. 
Let's see here. 
She treats me like the unwanted step child. 
She barely talks to me. 

What good is going to her and asking "Who did you F--- 22 years ago and...however many months?"


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, going to try and be as lucid and not...freaked the [email protected] out as I can be here.
> 
> 
> Now, my dad came to my work like 3/4 weeks ago. He is a jewelry vendor, and tried to sell stuff to my boss.
> ...


Broken at 20, I'm so sorry. None of this is your fault and I hope you remember that. Man don't feel guilty for feeling confused and angry about this. You have been betrayed and it is something only you can determine what you think about it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

NosborCrop said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/231722-rejected-both-families.html


ABRIDGED VERSION:
Uninvited to Thanksgiving. 
Drank a lot of alcohol. 
Spent Thanksgiving in a homeless shelter. 
Met a graduate student for counseling. Haven't talked to him in a while. Probably won't. This is..worse than having ED at 22. (WHICH I DON'T!!! Just...a really sore groin)
Told to not spend Christmas at home. 
Triggered at work. From stupid things. 
Drank a lot of alcohol and worked a lot. And studied a lot. 
Spent it in church. Played in one service, went to one service, and slept in my car. 
Had a sh!ty final schedule for my senior year. 
School is investigated for fraud, so I have been having trouble finding a job to move out. 
Hooked up with now girlfriend on Valentine's day. I think. Started drinking. 

So yes. I have been pretty much disowned. 
I haven't spoken to the only living set of grandparents in a year now. Or my aunt and uncle for the same amount of time. Or my cousin. 
On dad's side...I don't know. I'd have to check. 

But since my laptop died...Oh yea, my old laptop failed on my old thread. forgot about that. 
But it died. And took with it, a lot of photo's of my family. I let it take them because I thought it would help let go. 

So...
Yes.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> and HOLY ****!!!!
> all those fights we got in.
> Maybe that's why. I am coming into my own. I am different. I am not him. He was so angry,
> 
> ...


I admire that you're searching for empathy and understanding BA2.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You're not defined by who your parents are or what they did. You are your own individual, with free will and boundless opportunity to pursue whatever you want.

Whatever they did in the past has no bearing on what you do in the future. It is your life, not theirs. Your choice.

You can be angry and hurt at what they've done, because they certainly did sh1tty things. But those emotions aren't going to make your life any better. Feel them, acknowledge them, then determine to have a good life despite them.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, going to try and be as lucid and not...freaked the [email protected] out as I can be here.
> 
> 
> Now, my dad came to my work like 3/4 weeks ago. He is a jewelry vendor, and tried to sell stuff to my boss.
> ...


Dude... damn. Sorry.

Time for a frank talk w/ Mom.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Thor said:


> You're not defined by who your parents are or what they did. You are your own individual, with free will and boundless opportunity to pursue whatever you want.
> 
> Whatever they did in the past has no bearing on what you do in the future. It is your life, not theirs. Your choice.


I have been disowned for what I did, along with my parents. 
And maybe, say, had I known everything, from both sides, things would be different. 

I don't even know which parent I...
I don't even know. 


> You can be angry and hurt at what they've done, because they certainly did sh1tty things. But those emotions aren't going to make your life any better. Feel them, acknowledge them, then determine to have a good life despite them.


Well let's see here. 
I'll make a F-ing list. 

1. I have been disowned by my mom's side of the family after seeking some form of love and acceptance from my parents after being my dad's best man in his wedding. 
2. Which now makes me wonder, maybe I should be happy I did do it? 
3. And my mother doesn't love me. 
4. My school investigated for fraud, and graduating from a school convicted/whatever of fraud, with a degree in accounting, and haven't been able to find a job for the summer, or just, in general. 
5. And now, I find out, the...dad, is not dad. 

So tell me, where does the light at the end of the tunnel appear? 
Or amybe I should have said when?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I admire that you're searching for empathy and understanding BA2.


I don't want empathy. 

I want some FVCKING answers!!!

Like, do my parents even care!? Who are my f-ing parents!? 

Why did I beat my dad? No wonder he probably manipulated me to get whatever. In his shoes, knowing this, I probably would to. Make the POS feel like a POS for existing. Because I don't know who the OM is. Or maybe he does. And he hates him. 
And he hates my mom. 
I wonder if my siblings are even my siblings, or half-siblings. 
If I were to guess from our body differences, I would say probably not. 

I really want to punch something. Or scream. But since I am home, and no one else knows this...

I even said that man wasn't my father. 
I hate fate. And irony. 

Where is the freaking reason!?!


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You won't get those answers here [email protected], you know that.


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## heart of darkness (Feb 14, 2014)

Coming out of lurking mode to say I've read your previous posts. I'm sorry for the hell your parents and other family members put you through. It seemed as if you couldn't win no matter what you did, and I think they treated you unfairly. I think some of the responses you got from people here - some, not all - were unfair, too. (Not this current thread, the previous ones.) 

I also have been dismissed/ignored/abandoned by my family, so I get a lot of what you're feeling. I don't think I will ever stop feeling the pain and confusion from that rejection. I hope someday things get better with at least some of your family.

After reading this latest chapter, though, the family thing just got a whole lot more complicated for you. Really sorry about that. You need to catch a break. 

Hang in there.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Angry drinking must mean you ahve to dirnk more than usual. 

I got this 1.75/ of Jack. And like, over third gone. 
Great sign. 

And trying to keep from going and screaming at mom. 
And wondering who are my siblings. 

What else. 


Also saw people think my relationship with gf is dysfunctional; On thread. Where she hurts me. 
I should probably poston the other thread. But, uh...
NO!!!

I'd rather be loved by someone that hurts me than hated by everyone who is supposed to love me. 
Then again, probably using lvoe a little early. 
Unless...how long into the relatiobnship does you wait till love? Like, 3 months? 6 months? After sex? During sex? 
Amnd...hm....this will be an interesting fact to not tell her. 


I wonder who my actual bio POS father is. 
And what sh!tty traits he gave. 

lol. 
I worried about the sh!t traits my dad gave me. 
Instead, I dn't need to. I have to worry about the traits my slvt mom and POS OM gave me. 

I think I'll disown her. Or just, let my siblings take care of her. 

Well...now I am one of those hail-damaged cars that the dealership wants off the lot. 
Guess future...dating...people, can look forward to some positives. I might be a f-ing [email protected], but you dont need to worry about inlaws. Or spending the holidays with my family. 
Because not even I will be invited!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Other family members *may* know about your paternity, but your mother *must* know. At the very least, she will know if she thought there was a possibility that it wasn't your father.

You say she barely speaks to you. 'Barely' is the foot in the door that lets you walk in. Go talk to her and ask her directly.

Also, have you talked to your father about the fallout for you from being his best man? Does he know what this has meant to you in terms of your actually having a family?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Other family members *may* know about your paternity, but your mother *must* know. At the very least, she will know if there is a possibility that it wasn't your father.
> 
> You say she barely speaks to you. 'Barely' is the foot in the door that lets you walk in. Go talk to her and ask her directly.
> 
> Also, have you talked to your father about the fallout for you from being his best man? Does he know what this has meant to you in terms of your actually having a family?


That man is not my father. 
I will now call him.....
uh.....

who did I always want to be my father...Tony Soprano....Walter White.....

TW!!!

So, I believe he does. Because he invited me to Christams. I think. I believe. 
Or sister said he did. 
Oruh. 

Because he knows how I spent Thanksgiving, I think. Or christams. I think. 

Besides, he is a maniupatlor. How could he not know what would happen>? 
]


As for barely talking, allow me to define:
Me: "I need gas."
Slvt: "Gas went down."
"Great."

Or...
Is my loving, wonderful, mother worried that I am coming home at like, noon, 1, etc., whatever? For several days. Or the fact I don't sleep at home like 3-4 nights a week? 
NOPE!!!

Hm...wish I could go out tonight. 
But I can barely type. Probably shouldn't drive. 
I should test by playing GTA. 

I wonder who else who could know paternity. 
I would who else could be affected.....
I doubt grandparents know. They would've disowned my mom. I should tell them. If they hadn't idsowned me. 
And I doubt my uncle knows. OIr they wouldn't go along with this. 
If dad doubted, maybe he told the rest. Who knows who else on that side knows. 
I wonder which friend's parents knows. Or mom's parents. 

Jeez. 
Fvck. 

I am that abomination. 
That POs born out of an affair. 
In my dad's shoes, I would hate me. I would disown me. I would divorce, and cut me out of my life. i would do nothing to support me. I couldn't even look at it in the face. 
I would rather have him as a father than some nameless [email protected] uI don't know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First off, you're in no way responsible or accountable for the transgressions of _any_ of your parents.

Second, you mentioned that your sister swabbed your father, right? You need to speak w/ your sister to make sure that she's not f*cking w/ you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> First off, you're in no way responsible or accountable for the transgressions of _any_ of your parents.
> 
> Second, you mentioned that your sister swabbed your father, right? You need to speak w/ your sister to make sure that she's not f*cking w/ you.


So...after the most subtle sneaking up the stiars, and into my sister's room...

Damn, that sounded creepy. 

I also woke her up,. 

And asked her, you know, the oral swab, dad did do it right? 
She was at first tired, and seemed like, I was a ghost. 
But she said yea. 
Then I asked yhou know, in frfont oof you. 
\
Yea. 
And you didn't like, swab yourself for some...twisted reaosn right?
No. 
And you put it bqack in teh bag right?
Yea. 

So...
then she accused me of drinking. 

And I not so sneaky fell down the stairs because I forgot about those. 

So...
They aren't f-ing with me. 

horay?!


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> Next stop is mom. She's got some explaining to do.


No.
Just stop right there.
No choice a woman makes is wrong.

He drove her to it because of x, y, z. And even if he didn't, then it was because she was young and confused, or some crap.

Fcuk the kids, fcuk the husband, fcuk right and wrong, fcuk the fact the "father" has been lied to and cuckolded and can never get those 20 years (or whatever) of HIS life back (that's right, HIS, he is a human being too, HIS life matters to him) now he can never have a son that is truly his, he was tricked into raising another man's child.

Just disgusting.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> That man is not my father.
> I will now call him.....
> uh.....
> 
> ...



Mandatory Paternity Testing.

Yet watch the sistahood attack anyone who suggest it. What was it last time? Only "sooky" men would insist upon it, no decent woman would stand for it, etc....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> So tell me, where does the light at the end of the tunnel appear?
> Or amybe I should have said when?


You're standing at the end of the tunnel but refusing to see the daylight you're in.

Yes what they did was sh1tty all the way around. It sounds like lots of people in the family, not just them, did sh1tty things to you. They all sound like sh1tty people.

So stop caring about what sh1tty people do. Stop letting sh1tty people do sh1tty things to you. Stop trying to make sh1tty people a part of your life.

They do not define you. You define yourself. Who are you? Your screen name says how you view yourself. Why do you accept you are somehow defective or broken? Yes you have been wronged, and yes it hurts that all those people treated you poorly.

Are you a drunk who is going to fail at life forever because some other people cheated and did't show you love? Or are you an _independent_ young adult who can choose his own path and who can leave those sh1tty people in the past?

Every moment you give thought to what they did, you're letting them control your life and your future.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> I am that abomination.
> That POs born out of an affair.


Why do you have to define yourself that way? Your mom did an abominable thing, but you were the innocent baby who had no choice in what happened.



Broken at 20 said:


> In my dad's shoes, I would hate me. I would disown me. I would divorce, and cut me out of my life. i would do nothing to support me. I couldn't even look at it in the face.
> I would rather have him as a father than some nameless [email protected] uI don't know.


While I can't speak for your father, if he suspected you weren't his child he might be reminded of his suspicions every time he looked at you. But that doesn't mean he hated you. He might have hated what he thought your mother did. And in a dysfunctional way he might have then treated you poorly, taking out on you his angers and frustrations. Totally not fair to you. But it doesn't mean you are the defective person.

You are assuming you know what other people are thinking and why they did what they did. But you really have no idea. You're looking through distorted lenses at the world.

https://youtu.be/WOHPuY88Ry4


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Exercise is a vastly better way to deal with anger and hurt than drinking. Eat healthy foods, ditch the booze, and work out every day. Work out hard. Lift weights, punch bags, run. Gyms cost less than booze, too.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

The Cro-Magnon said:


> No.
> Just stop right there.
> No choice a woman makes is wrong.
> 
> ...


So, I will assume that is sarcasm. 

Because if it isn't...
I hope the IRS gang-audits your tax return. (assuming that I am allowed to make that non-physically non-threatening...wish) 

Plus, it is entirely possible my siblings are...his. We have very different body types, and...just, different. 




Thor said:


> You're standing at the end of the tunnel but refusing to see the daylight you're in.


Ok, you seem to think I am at the end of the tunnel. 

Maybe it is easier for a person from the outside to see the light in the situation. 
So, I could certainly use some good news. Where is it? Where do you see it? 



Thor said:


> Why do you have to define yourself that way? Your mom did an abominable thing, but you were the innocent baby who had no choice in what happened.


No, I'm not. 
I hate myself. I hate my mother. 

Had I known everything, there are several things I would change. 
Or maybe, I wouldn't change any of them. 
Both of them wronged each other. 
As of now, what does it matter. 

Who knows how much would have changed had this been known say, 22 years ago? 
Or, when I was asked to be the Best Man. I was a stranger at that wedding, related to no one there. Not the groom, the cousins, anyone. 



> While I can't speak for your father, if he suspected you weren't his child he might be reminded of his suspicions every time he looked at you. But that doesn't mean he hated you. He might have hated what he thought your mother did. And in a dysfunctional way he might have then treated you poorly, taking out on you his angers and frustrations. *Totally not fair to you.* But it doesn't mean you are the defective person.
> 
> You are assuming you know what other people are thinking and why they did what they did. But you really have no idea. You're looking through distorted lenses at the world.


You know what, I disagree with you. 
Because I knew what my dad was. Or...forced foster father. 

I (have probably posted) I wouldn't support another man's kid. And in a BH's shoes, I would paternity test the kids, and if they weren't mine, I would disown them, and do nothing for them. 
Well, depending on when we want to say this started, 20 years later, that isn't an option for...the BWH. 
Instead, all he can do, is put him through hell. Because he can't attack the other BWW. 



Thor said:


> Exercise is a vastly better way to deal with anger and hurt than drinking. Eat healthy foods, ditch the booze, and work out every day. Work out hard. Lift weights, punch bags, run. Gyms cost less than booze, too.


I do go to the gym. 

I went this morning. 
I found out rage is a better pre-workout than anything else, and benched over 200 like, 10 times. 
Sure, not a big deal to some people, but to me, it is. I could only do it once or twice in the past.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Ok, you seem to think I am at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> Maybe it is easier for a person from the outside to see the light in the situation.
> So, I could certainly use some good news. Where is it? Where do you see it?


All the bad stuff has already happened. Mom cheated and got pregnant. Dad cheated on mom. You and your dad had physical altercations.

You can walk away from all of that right now. In fact all you have to do is just not contact them ever again. You don't have to have anything to do with either of them, or with your bio dad if you don't want to.

Today you could pick up your stuff and move to Florida. You could move to Alaska or North Dakota and get a job in the petroleum or construction industry. You could sell everything and go to Europe and wander from short term job to short term job for a year.

You could start a new education plan. Or you could figure out a way to mitigate whatever damage is done to you indirectly due to whatever the accounting school did.

Life doesn't have to be this hard or miserable for you. You are the one choosing to make it so.




Broken at 20 said:


> No, I'm not.
> I hate myself. I hate my mother.
> 
> Had I known everything, there are several things I would change.
> ...


All of us, every human on the planet, would have done many things differently had we known more of the truth long ago. But you didn't know it at the time. You did the best you could at the time given what you knew.

It is time to stop hating yourself.




Broken at 20 said:


> You know what, I disagree with you.
> Because I knew what my dad was. Or...forced foster father.
> 
> I (have probably posted) I wouldn't support another man's kid. And in a BH's shoes, I would paternity test the kids, and if they weren't mine, I would disown them, and do nothing for them.
> ...


Your father is imperfect. He did crappy stuff to you. And the world dumped a huge pile of sh1t on him which he didn't handle perfectly. I feel sorry for him, yet also wish he had done a better job as a father.

You had no part in setting up the situation, and certainly until this recent revelation that he isn't your bio dad you never had adequate information to deal with him or your mom. You didn't deserve to be treated badly.




Broken at 20 said:


> I do go to the gym.
> 
> I went this morning.
> I found out rage is a better pre-workout than anything else, and benched over 200 like, 10 times.
> Sure, not a big deal to some people, but to me, it is. I could only do it once or twice in the past.


Good. Every time you feel like drinking, go for a run instead. Or go lift weights or pump out 100 pushups.


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## SasZ79 (Mar 14, 2015)

Unbelievable.

The whole story.

Unbelievable.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Called dad, or just...him, while I was at school today. 
Had a surprisingly frank conversation. All things considered. 
Talked for like 45 minutes. About a lot of things. 
He never could bring himself to call me son. 
Guess I shouldn't be surprised. 
Ironic though. I know I posted I didn't want him as a father. Well, poof! He isn't. And now, I wish he was. Versus the alternative. 



Thor said:


> All the bad stuff has already happened. Mom cheated and got pregnant. Dad cheated on mom. You and your dad had physical altercations.
> 
> You can walk away from all of that right now. In fact all you have to do is just not contact them ever again. You don't have to have anything to do with either of them, or with your bio dad if you don't want to.
> 
> ...


I graduate in May with a BSA. 
Granted, while it isn't assisting me as much as I thought it would with a job, I am not just quitting...what? 2 months from graduation. 

That is dumb. 

Just, sad I guess. 
Like, I knew a lot of dreams I had wouldn't be coming true after all this. I think yesterday killed the last of them. 

Do I tell my brother and sister this?


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Dogbert said:


> I'm sorry but you're cutting your mother too much slack. She OWES you information regarding who your biological father is. For potential medical reasons and because you have a right to know.


And I do need to have a conversation with mom. 

So...How do I approach that conversation? 

And I want to do it at a time that doesn't have brother and sister at home. 

But, I don't know if I want to know who my father is then. 
What's some other POS OM? And what good would knowing him do, besides him sh!tting himself after a 22 year old son appears on his door.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> And I do need to have a conversation with mom.
> 
> So...How do I approach that conversation?
> 
> ...


Retest your legal father yourself. At this point, you can't trust anyone. When you get these results, that is when you decide what to do.

If it is confirmed he is not your biological father, go to your mother's parents' house and tell her to meet you there. Bring a copy of the report with you (*NOT* the original, you don't want anyone destroying it and store it with someone you can trust outside of your mother's house.). Present the information to your mother and grandparents and ask why you were disowned when your mother had an affair and lied to you, and everyone else, about who was your father. Demand she tell you the truth otherwise you will have to go public with this information to find out who is your father. Follow through with telling her friends and siblings. You are entitled to know who is your father. If your mother has any sisters, I am willing to bet they know who is your father.

If it comes back he is your father, you have more problems than just your parents.

I take it your original birth certificate lists your mother's husband at the time as the father. Legally, he was/is your father.

Be prepared for your mother to throw you out of the house when you expose her.

IamSomebody


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Give her a copy of your results and ask her point blank who your bio father is.
Very calm and matter of fact and don't leave without an answer.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I am wanting to keep from involving my siblings if at all possible. 

I don't want to get them involved like I was in the divorce. I would rather spare them the pain my...problem will cause. Unless they are both...not their father's. 

I was plunged into this mess.
Even if they are only my half brother and sister, I would rather not. 


And I'll ask...BWH if he would spring for a second test. Maybe we'll be on better terms. 

And if mom kicks me out, what? 
I doubt BWH will take me in if I am not his kid. And I can't move in with my girlfriend. 

That would be...crazy! 
"Hey! I just met you! And this is crazy! 
But I got kicked out! So I'm living with you maybe!!!"


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> I am wanting to keep from involving my siblings if at all possible.
> 
> I don't want to get them involved like I was in the divorce. I would rather spare them the pain my...problem will cause. Unless they are both...not their father's.
> 
> ...


I've got no advice for you. I just wanted to say



Broken at 20 said:


> "Hey! I just met you! And this is crazy!
> But I got kicked out! So I'm living with you maybe!!!"


 :lol::rofl:


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, going to try and be as lucid and not...freaked the [email protected] out as I can be here.
> 
> 
> Now, my dad came to my work like 3/4 weeks ago. He is a jewelry vendor, and tried to sell stuff to my boss.
> ...


So sorry that you had to find this out, but it is better to know. You are still the same person, nothing changes that and your Dad is still your Dad. I know because i was not brought up by either of my biological parents though both are still alive and in different countries. Maybe you need to speak with your mum first.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I have been disowned for what I did, along with my parents.
> And maybe, say, had I known everything, from both sides, things would be different.
> 
> I don't even know which parent I...
> ...


Broken at 20 - it sure looks like the whole world is collapsing around you but you will get through this.

1. The problems between your parents are NOT your fault. Their divorce and his remarrying are not your fault.

2. You have every right to have a relationship with both your parents without taking sides

3. You need to talk (kindly) to your mother and (a) tell her that the trouble between your parents is nothing to do with you, (b) you know now your Dad is not your biological father and you want the truth (c) that you want a relationship with her and your Dad as you are just an innocent victim in their chaos (d) you do not know the circumstances around your conception/birth so do not judge until you speak with your mother. Whatever the outcome it is not your fault. 

4. An accounting qualification is a worthwhile one, surely there is something the authorities are doing for the students in the case of your college? Find out, they cannot throw the baby out with the bath water in this instance. All may not be lost.

5. Grandparents are usually more understanding, you may want to go and approach them first. I know you haven't spoken to them in a long time but you can open the topic and see what they can tell you.

6. Stop the drinking and sober up, this is not going to help you think and see clearly. Alcohol is a depressant and will make you feel worse. Further your family may not want to deal with you when you are drinking or take you seriously.

7. Take back control over your circumstances. I know it hurts like hell but you want to go the distance, deal with this and move forward. You are still so young, time always heals and you can have a bright bright future.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Been a horrible fvcking day. 

School amde the paper again/ For fraud/ 

And I got a stupid fvideo thing. How employe4sr wants pe3ople from our shool with our degrees. 
Yet they diodn't label those people who talked in the video. 
I downbvoted it. Because I hate them. LOL!

Still can't get a freaking juob. 
I hate the asian person that commited the fraud. 

all my teasin professors sucked. Stopped hiring them. 


Blantant racism for the win. 
Been drinking so irts ok. 

What else...


I asked...BWH if he would spring for another test. to gge validy. Of true test. Nknow trueth. 
He said no. But if Iw anted to buy another, he'd go it in front of me. 

So. 
Fvck. 


I al;so, it's a pandor'as box. 

If he isn't, and I confront miom, then waht? I get kickd out. 
And then what? I can't find a FVCKIMNG job. I want to beat that damn asian fat man who comited the fraud. 

And he on't let me move in 
What man woujld let the [email protected] he raised live with him. I sure wouldn't. And gbranted, i may not be his blood, but I know his thought process. 

do I even bother at htis point?


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

aine said:


> So sorry that you had to find this out, but it is better to know. You are still the same person, nothing changes that and y*our Dad is still your Dad*. I know because i was not brought up by either of my biological parents though both are still alive and in different countries. Maybe you need to speak with your mum first.


?Fvjc
It's geting hared to type. 

I wisbh poeople would STOP saying that. 'No he isn;t. 

Trick surprise adoption is not adoptiong. 
He is not my father. If the test is..unhappy face. 

Are you ba B2atsred? 
If so, then fine. Talk to me. 
But if not, then odn't tell me he is mty father. 
He isnt. 

My dad is probably some POs OM that I wnat to meet. In a dark alley. Late a t night. Alone. Wearing dark clothes. In the dead of winter. 
Mischeifious face. 


Also wonder what jhat makes my siblings. 
Half siblings? Or...step siblings? 
Hos iw that differentiated? Or deifne.d


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, its my springbreka now. 

Woo. 


I am not happy. 

Went out tonight for pizza with gf. 
Then got bangted and felt like a freaking train rvan me over. Surpsind I could function, givne the alcoholl. 

She can definitely tell I am nt happy. Or on metnal break down. Or not having fun. 
I am just very tired. 

Came home. 
Drank a bunch of whiskey. And I got work tomorrow...didn;'t think that thourhg. 
craap 


Why do I do this. 

I talked to dad today. 
We did another test today and sent it in. Should get it back whenver>! right? 
Then what? 

I am stil not hapy. 
And why did Ic all him dad? 

I still don't know what to do. 

I haven;'t been able to find ajob that will take my full-time, or pay enough to allow me to move out. 
adn I m anot asking girlfrined orf short time to move in. that would be wierd. 

And would get me disowned by my grandpetns...if I wans't already...
Hm.....think I;'ll send them a post card. And try to gie them a heart attack!!!
Then tsend them results of paternity test!!! Be hilarious. 

The only sad face would be I can;t see the reaction. 

But what should I do now? 
Besides the obvious, cut don on drinking. And have kles pain ful serx.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You do this because you hate yourself. Not because your mom had an affair, not because your dad didn't always treat you perfectly, not because you don't know who bio-dad is, not because your school had some kind of legal problems, not because you haven't found a job.

Drinking to excess is self medication. You're trying to numb yourself.

Until you stop drinking completely, nothing is going to get better for you. Life can be good, but not if you are torpedoing yourself.

If you're willing to be happy, there is a way to do it.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Holy Crap Broken..... Deeply Sorry!! Just now finding this thread.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Broken at 20
> I have a question.
> 
> Having (possibly, waiting on 2nd test results) been lied to for my entire life about who my father is, why should I forgive my mother?
> ...



*



why should I forgive my mother?

Click to expand...

*Because you hate your mother, you hate the man that raised you; you hate the “fat Asian” and you HATE YOURSELF! You are a person that is full of hate and you are into alcohol big time. That is a combination for destruction!

*Forgiveness is so that your destructive negative emotions (HATE being one of them) will be lessened or gone.* That does not mean that your hurt will go completely away or that you will forget; but true forgiveness will release you from the very destructive emotions that you have.

You may think that your hate and alcohol give you some relief but it is temporary at best and will eat you alive if not addressed. In other words FORGIVENESS IS FOR YOU TO GET BETTER!

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you have to reconcile with these that you hate but forgiveness helps you get rid of your destructive emotions. Because your mother and others have failed to love you like you deserve does not mean that you cannot find love. Your worthiness does not depend on your mother. Yes she cut you to the bone but you can overcome.

*In your case that may be hard because you hate yourself. GET SOME HELP IN YOUR COMMUNITY TO HELP YOU. You are way over your head.*

You are a young person and can make your life so much better by your choices. Yes I know that you have been handed a pile of shyt so far with your mother and the others; but you are where you are so face it and make the best of it! You have a choice to take some actions to get better or to stay in your hateful state and come to ruin.

You are a valuable person, GET SOME HELP, put away your hate and pride and seek every help that you can.* Others that have been treated very badly have made it and so can you.
*


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Evger have one of tjhose ghood and bad dyas? 

Or esterrday? \
\

I got two packages tyewtersdtar. 

Shiat/ Typuign is hard. right now. \

I got my ROLx!!! From ym boss. 
Submariner, green bezel and face. and stlaineless Now I can be promtoed from tool to P{WOER tool,~ My life's dream!!! 
You know, what 22 year ld years a rolesx? Tools!!!

What else...

Oh, fpaternity test!!!
Dad and I went to a bart. 
Surprising given how little hdrtinks. I dnon't think he ver drank l, till the fvcking new wife. Slvt. 

Read the results rtotgether. 
I will tell it like Maury does. 

"[brolen at 20's]
s legal father, the test resuylts are uibn. You are NOT the father!!!

I am a [email protected] 
Like that old Egyption God Bast. 
Just add an ARD> 

Also vbeen drinking. 
Some old distillery opend uyp. jClsoed for prohibition. Like, not in board bwalk wemprie./ 
Great show. 
All gerat gshows are HBO. 
Or AMC. 
NOt TNT. 

TNt does not know drama. They juyst...implade.l 

So yea./ 

I am not my father'sm son/ 


always a great day when UI found thats out./ 

And your right. 
I ahte lymself. 

Now, hit with my 2zs3
sm 

Because sure./ 
I deserve it. 

But i wnated to indulge. 
12 nitght. 
fucck 
I hit 12
I meant 1

1 night
What ewlse needs to be discuessed. 

sleepy ttime. 

lol

a 22 year old bastaerad with a Rolex. 
Who can say that?!!

Freakuing 
uh

turn around story. 
FN~


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How did he react?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Shiat/ Typuign is hard. right now.


READING what you type is even harder. It's downright painful.

Maybe lay off the f*cking sauce every once in a while.


----------



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Stop drinking. Get into rehab. You are slowly but surely becoming like your parents- selfish, reckless. Stop it.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Wow...well, that kinda explains where most of my whiskey went...

I was going to try and fix that last drunk post, but forget it. Easier to just start over. 

I got the results Thursday, and after work, I met dad at a bar/restaurant, and we opened it together. 
It said he wasn't my father. 
I was about to break down. And said we needed to do another test, something had to be wrong. 
And he said this is the second test. What good would a third test do? And even if it did come back positive, how could we be sure with two previous negatives? 

Then we talked. He was distant and cold. 
I asked him if he had the same suspicion about brother and sister, and he said no. Just me. Because of the time-table. 
He asked me if I still regretted being his best man. (Going to assume sister told him) And I told him knowing what I do now, no, not at all. 

And our conversation, and likely our relationship, ended with:
Not dad: You know, I gotta tell you something. 
Me: Is it 'I still love you son?'
Not dad: No...no, it's I'm going to forget you.


Wonder where I go from here. I feel like this is uncharted waters. 

So yea. 
That's how my Thursday was. 

Oh, and I got my Rolex I won in a bet from work. Hoo-freaking-ray. 

I'd rather have my father than that watch. Or really, anything else right now.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dude. You need to talk w/ your mother.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Dude. You need to talk w/ your mother.


And again, say what? 
And do what? 

Start with "Who did you screw 22 years and 9 months ago!?!?!" 
Move to "Who is my father? What type of POS is he?"
And end with "All right, getting kicked out." 

And I don't need to get kicked out right now. I really don't want to go through more stress right now. 

What the hell kind of conversation would that be? 

Maybe a WW can ring in and talk about what a conversation with their kids (but the kid is probably the BH's, because a woman who cuckolded a man would be beaten to death by the 2x4's on this site) about the infidelity went. 
But I am pretty sure there will be a difference. 
But hey, if we have someone here who can give me an idea, I would love to hear it. 


AAANNNDDD I should probably point out that she and I are still barely talking.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> And again, say what?
> And do what?
> 
> Start with "Who did you screw 22 years and 9 months ago!?!?!"
> ...


Ask God....

for wisdom for your next steps....

Even when ALL the humans around me were failing me, He never has.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Forgot to mention, I asked...uh...dad, (can't think of anything else to call him) if he would tell mom. 
He just said what would that accomplish? I already raised you, supported you for 18 years, and whatever else. She already won. What good does exposing it now do? 

So much of the divorce, and everything makes so much more sense now. 
Just very depressing. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> Ask God....
> 
> for wisdom for your next steps....
> 
> Even when ALL the humans around me were failing me, He never has.


I know where it leads:

I bring this up now.
I get kicked out. And have to figure a lot of crap out. Like...where I live. On very short notice. And move all my crap into my beat up car. 
And have a really awkward conversation with my girlfriend and hope she lets me move in. 
Which...yea, no. That is not something I want to do. 
Or some of my buddies. Which again...might be easier to do, but again...not exactly...right. 

Or I wait till I graduate, and hopefully, get a freaking job!!! But I keep running into problems. Either not enough, or part-time, or whatever. 
Then I can either bring it up, or just, ignore it. And disown the entire family. 


Never would have guessed this is how my college career ends 4-ish years ago. 

Can I get advice that doesn't rely on asking God? 

Because, I am having a REALLY hard time trusting people. And trying to place it in God, when he hasn't really delivered anything, isn't exactly easy.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> And our conversation, and likely our relationship, ended with:
> Not dad: You know, I gotta tell you something.
> Me: Is it 'I still love you son?'
> Not dad: No...no, it's I'm going to forget you.


God lord, what a dirtbag. 


> Forgot to mention, I asked...uh...dad, (can't think of anything else to call him) if he would tell mom.
> He just said what would that accomplish? I already raised you, supported you for 18 years, and whatever else. She already won. What good does exposing it now do?



This is why men get so angry about paternity fraud.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> God lord, what a dirtbag. This is why men get so angry about paternity fraud.


So...
You're calling him a dirtbag, for choosing to cut the kid that is not his, out of his life...
then realizing why men get so up in arms about paternity fraud?

Uh...I would say double-standard, but I don't think that applies here. 
Must be something else...


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So...
> You're calling him a dirtbag, for choosing to cut the kid that is not his, out of his life...
> then realizing why men get so up in arms about paternity fraud?
> 
> ...


Zoom, right over your head.

Two separate things here. One, he raised you, had an emotional connection with you. Non-dirtbags don't just stop that, that emotional connection remains even if they find out they were the victim of paternity fraud.

Second thing, he was defrauded out of the costs of raising you. It wasn't his responsibility to pay for that, your bio-dad should have been paying child support until you turned 18. Every penny spent on you while growing up is a penny he didn't have for something else like retirement. Every penny he spent is a penny the other man took from his pocket. And kids are expensive. That's a lot of pennies, and effectively your mother stole it from him and gave it to her lover.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So...
> You're calling him a dirtbag, for choosing to cut the kid that is not his, out of his life...


Nope. I'm calling him a dirtbag for disowning you and giving you ZERO support. Biology doesn't matter when you can show someone empathy and sympathy. 





Broken at 20 said:


> then realizing why men get so up in arms about paternity fraud?


You found out your mom is a liar, your dad found out your mom is a liar and a terrible relationship is even further damaged because of this lie. No, that isn't realization or a double standard, that's confirmation of the consequences of paternity fraud. I am acknowledging his anger and hurt about finding out one of his kids is not his biologically. 



Broken at 20 said:


> Uh...I would say double-standard, but I don't think that applies here.
> Must be something else...


No, it is a conundrum. He is a dirtbag for how he chose to treat you in the past and now. Yet, I can understand his anger at being lied to and duped into raising another man's child. 

No, this is not the same as blended families, adoption, surrogates or donor sperm and eggs.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Zoom, right over your head.
> 
> Two separate things here. One, he raised you, had an emotional connection with you. Non-dirtbags don't just stop that, that emotional connection remains even if they find out they were the victim of paternity fraud.


Would it make you laugh if I had to read that, 2 or 3 times to get the 'Zoom, right over your head.' ? 

I also find it interesting. 
I can't blame him. Now, maybe other posters will disagree with you, but I can't blame him for cutting me out. 
Granted, he doesn't have anything to loose by cutting me out. I am 22, so no child support to worry about. 

Would this be different if I were say 6, or 12, or 16? And if he decided to keep his parental relationship with me, he WOULD be required to pay child support? And he doesn't want to pay money on a child that isn't his? 
Would it be different if he cut me out then? 

And how can you even know what he is feeling? 
We have a lot of BS, and BH's on this forum. 
How many of them have found out they raised another man's kid? How should they react? Are you going to say he is less of a man because he is not doing what you THINK you would do in his shoes? 
And remember, we've thrown punches and fists at each other. 

And yea, I am going really out of my way to defend a man who I have zero relation to. 

I just, can't blame him. Or be angry at him. 


> Second thing, he was defrauded out of the costs of raising you. It wasn't his responsibility to pay for that, your bio-dad should have been paying child support until you turned 18. Every penny spent on you while growing up is a penny he didn't have for something else like retirement. Every penny he spent is a penny the other man took from his pocket. And kids are expensive. That's a lot of pennies, and effectively your mother stole it from him and gave it to her lover.


that doesn't really make me feel good. 
And what should I do? 
Steal however much from my mom and give it to him? 
Or just pay him back the money with interest after however many years? 
Or go into tax, work the IRS, find out who the OM is, and then audit his return year after year until the IRS fires me for auditing the same individual X number of years? 

Just...what is he expected to do? 

And now, knowing what I do, do I tell my siblings? or...half-siblings? 

Or just...become that disowned relative that the f-ed up family will talk about at the holidays?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

The cheating wasn't and isn't about you.
The paternity fraud wasn't and isn't about you.
The lying wasn't and isn't about you.
The support wasn't and isn't about you.

You owe him nothing because of this mess.

Many colleges, through student affairs, have counseling services for their students. Look them up and talk to a completely neutral party.



> Would this be different if I were say 6, or 12, or 16? And if he decided to keep his parental relationship with me, he WOULD be required to pay child support? And he doesn't want to pay money on a child that isn't his?
> Would it be different if he cut me out then?
> 
> And how can you even know what he is feeling?
> ...


Sure you are angry. This entire section is you ruminating and is neither implied or suggested by either myself or nucking futs. No one said he was less than a man, but I am implying his reaction was wrong. Also, I understand his hurt and anger.


----------



## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Would it make you laugh if I had to read that, 2 or 3 times to get the 'Zoom, right over your head.' ?
> 
> I also find it interesting.
> I can't blame him. Now, maybe other posters will disagree with you, but I can't blame him for cutting me out.
> ...


...the good thing is.....all, and exactly what you should do, is go and life your life the best you can. You still have a mother and siblings, but you can choose to stay involved with them at whatever level you can handle. Right now focus on graduating, and finding a job that will allow you to reach full independence. Then you will have some breathing room. But the drinking and self medication is gonna get in the way. You are getting good advice to find a school counselor or someone similar that you can actually be bluntly honest with. Better to take pills for a short time, than to blast away your chances for a degree and job by staying drunk too much. 

and check you inbox....you have a pm.

but you gotta stop the constant drinking....the way you are going you are giving everyone a justification for treating you badly........don't keep doing that. You can be better than your non-dad and mom.......show them how to be a decent adult.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Would it make you laugh if I had to read that, 2 or 3 times to get the 'Zoom, right over your head.' ?
> 
> I also find it interesting.
> I can't blame him. Now, maybe other posters will disagree with you, but I can't blame him for cutting me out.
> Granted, he doesn't have anything to loose by cutting me out. I am 22, so no child support to worry about.


Someone that would abandon someone they've bonded to over something that is not that persons fault is a dirt bag, plain and simple. You don't treat casual friends that way, much less someone you've raised from birth.



Broken at 20 said:


> Would this be different if I were say 6, or 12, or 16? And if he decided to keep his parental relationship with me, he WOULD be required to pay child support? And he doesn't want to pay money on a child that isn't his?
> Would it be different if he cut me out then?


Legally he wouldn't be able to cut you off financially if you were younger than 18. In many states once a baby is born to a married woman her husband is legally responsible for that child regardless of paternity fraud. In some states it can be challenged but there's a fairly short window to do that, the longest I can recall hearing about is 6 months post birth.



Broken at 20 said:


> And how can you even know what he is feeling?
> We have a lot of BS, and BH's on this forum.
> How many of them have found out they raised another man's kid?


It's not unknown on this forum. I can recall one case of a BH who severed his relationship with his WW child. That child was an infant he had not bonded to and was fortunate to live in one of the states that he could challenge paternity. Sad situation, WW suicided and grandparents are raising the child now. Many of the women on the board roundly criticized him for his decision but most of the men backed him. Most women just can't (or won't) grasp paternity fraud.

That's the only one I can recall going that way. _Every_ other BH has said they would love and raise the child regardless. Most BH's fight tooth and nail to avoid a paternity test at all.



Broken at 20 said:


> How should they react? Are you going to say he is less of a man because he is not doing what you THINK you would do in his shoes?
> And remember, we've thrown punches and fists at each other.


The first fight I can remember being in I was in kindergarten. Throwing punches is not the measure of a man



Broken at 20 said:


> And yea, I am going really out of my way to defend a man who I have zero relation to.
> 
> I just, can't blame him. Or be angry at him.


This is because you are bonded to him. A normal man who had raised you would feel the same way about you. Abandoning you would be unthinkable. 



Broken at 20 said:


> that doesn't really make me feel good.
> And what should I do?
> Steal however much from my mom and give it to him?
> Or just pay him back the money with interest after however many years?
> ...


This is not on you. You did not defraud your dad, your mom did. This is between him and her and the OM and not up to you to rectify.



Broken at 20 said:


> And now, knowing what I do, do I tell my siblings? or...half-siblings?
> 
> Or just...become that disowned relative that the f-ed up family will talk about at the holidays?


Whether you tell your siblings or not is up to you. If you want to take your mother down a notch in their eyes you can tell them but you don't know how it will affect your relationship with them. I suspect your sister knows already since you had her collect the first sample and then questioned her about it, unless she's not real bright she's probably figured it out.

As far as becoming that disowned relative that f-ed up family will talk about at holidays, that's already happened. From what I recall that you posted you've got a real keeper in your sister, not sure about brother, the rest you're better off without.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

One other thing. Don't wear the fancy watch when you're drinking.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Forgot to mention, I asked...uh...dad, (can't think of anything else to call him) if he would tell mom.
> He just said what would that accomplish? I already raised you, supported you for 18 years, and whatever else. She already won. What good does exposing it now do?
> 
> So much of the divorce, and everything makes so much more sense now.
> ...


You were given a man who raised you for eighteen years when he didn't have to. You were also blessed with your sister. You are also blessed with wit, strength and intelligence that you are drowning out with resentment, self pity and alcohol. You have been blessed with health strong enough to weather your alcoholism, for now. You have been blessed with a job and college. Should I continue?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Broken,

You really need to get yourself into counseling. As one poster suggested, check with the Student Life office, or whatever it is called, at your college and see if they offer counseling for students. You can probably even find out that information on the school's website.

What you've experienced is a profound loss, betrayal and abandonment. I can't imagine how hurt you must feel . 

You're at a pivotal age/time in your life where you can either let this information define you and drive you, or you can decide to be better than all of it, all of them, and try to move beyond it. 

In time, you're going to have to bring yourself to a place of being able to forgive them, especially your mother. Not because SHE deserves it, but because you do. Forgiveness does not mean that she was justified or what she did was ok; it only means you're not going to let the matter rule your life anymore. Forgiveness is very freeing, if you can experience it.

That may not come for many years.

Until that time, get into counseling, which will help you be able to cope with living in the same home as your mother until you can afford to move out as well as all of the rejection you're feeling. 

You HAVE to make a decision at your young age to not let this define the rest of your life. Only you can decide that for yourself. Remember, the best revenge is living well.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Went to a school counselor today. I think it was the first time I've met with a counselor in my life, besides the whatever major buddy. Haven't spoken to him in a while. 

So let's see here, I didn't spell out the entire story. Mostly because, despite the fact it is a counselor, it is really fvcking embarrassing. 

Then he rattled off things. Like I have depression, built up anger and rage, abandonment, alcoholism, unhealthy choices by mixing my medication with alcohol/pre-workouts, and I think he added substance abuse to that. Which isn't really true. And a few other things I can't remember. 
And then he listed off a bunch of traits I am displaying that psychopaths also display. 

Don't think I'll go back to him. He wasn't very nice. 



> You were given a man who raised you for eighteen years when he didn't have to. You were also blessed with your sister. You are also blessed with wit, strength and intelligence that you are drowning out with resentment, self pity and alcohol. You have been blessed with health strong enough to weather your alcoholism, for now. You have been blessed with a job and college. Should I continue?


Yea...putting myself into thousands of dollars worth of debt to get a degree from a school that committed fraud, and I haven't been able to get a job offer for. 
And what am I going to do with strength, intelligence, and the ability to quote internet memes for humor? 



Nucking Futs said:


> One other thing. Don't wear the fancy watch when you're drinking.


I am compelled to ask why.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Went to a school counselor today. I think it was the first time I've met with a counselor in my life, besides the whatever major buddy. Haven't spoken to him in a while.
> 
> So let's see here, I didn't spell out the entire story. Mostly because, despite the fact it is a counselor, it is really fvcking embarrassing.
> 
> ...


I will answer by way of anecdote. I don't drink at all. Not a drop. But when I was younger I was in the army and was sent to Germany. The guys in my unit took me down town to show me the ropes of which bars we frequented, how to order beer, which restroom was for men (they told me that Damen meant "the men") etc. I got hammered pretty quick and at one point I put my feet up on the seat across from me. I was wearing brand new shoes. The guy sitting next to that seat reached over and set my shoe laces on fire. I watched him do it, thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen, and was still laughing when a waitress dumped a pitcher of beer on my feet and told me I owed her for the beer. 

Bottom line, if you wear it out drinking you probably won't have it long.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I will answer by way of anecdote. I don't drink at all. Not a drop. But when I was younger I was in the army and was sent to Germany. The guys in my unit took me down town to show me the ropes of which bars we frequented, how to order beer, which restroom was for men (they told me that Damen meant "the men") etc. I got hammered pretty quick and at one point I put my feet up on the seat across from me. I was wearing brand new shoes. The guy sitting next to that seat reached over and set my shoe laces on fire. I watched him do it, thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen, and was still laughing when a waitress dumped a pitcher of beer on my feet and told me I owed her for the beer.
> 
> Bottom line, if you wear it out drinking you probably won't have it long.


:rofl:
HofbrÃ¤uhaus MÃ¼nchen
I was there in 85.
Drinking so much threw up on the bus the next day.
They built a second one
Hofbräuhaus Chicago | Hofbräuhaus Chicago, USA
BIL from Munich goes to this one.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Broken,
> 
> You really need to get yourself into counseling. As one poster suggested, check with the Student Life office, or whatever it is called, at your college and see if they offer counseling for students. You can probably even find out that information on the school's website.
> 
> ...


Well, whether I like it or not, I am going to be disowned by my entire family now. So that will define me. 
And I have no idea what my medical history is anymore. 

And I've lost my father. 
So...
yea. 


> In time, you're going to have to bring yourself to a place of being able to forgive them, especially your mother. Not because SHE deserves it, but because you do. Forgiveness does not mean that she was justified or what she did was ok; it only means you're not going to let the matter rule your life anymore. Forgiveness is very freeing, if you can experience it.
> 
> That may not come for many years.


That day will never come. 
I understand forgiveness to mean to turn a cheek to a wrong committed. 
I will never forgive my mother. 

I wonder if my dad will ever be able to forgive her. If he can't, how can I be expected to? 
And even if he does, I don't care. 

No. 


> Until that time, get into counseling, which will help you be able to cope with living in the same home as your mother until you can afford to move out as well as all of the rejection you're feeling.
> 
> You HAVE to make a decision at your young age to not let this define the rest of your life. Only you can decide that for yourself. Remember, the best revenge is living well.


I have a feeling my living well will be rather...lonely.


----------



## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I will answer by way of anecdote. I don't drink at all. Not a drop. But when I was younger I was in the army and was sent to Germany. The guys in my unit took me down town to show me the ropes of which bars we frequented, how to order beer, which restroom was for men (they told me that Damen meant "the men") etc. I got hammered pretty quick and at one point I put my feet up on the seat across from me. I was wearing brand new shoes. The guy sitting next to that seat reached over and set my shoe laces on fire. I watched him do it, thought it was the funniest thing I had ever seen, and was still laughing when a waitress dumped a pitcher of beer on my feet and told me I owed her for the beer.
> 
> Bottom line, if you wear it out drinking you probably won't have it long.


Well I do wear it when drinking at home, and just...in general. 

but I am compelled to ask you why you let someone set your shoes laces on fire? Like...I've done some stupid things, as have my friends. 
But I mean...setting your shoes on fire? Even drunk, what part of that seemed like a good idea?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, going to try and be as lucid and not...freaked the [email protected] out as I can be here.
> 
> 
> Now, my dad came to my work like 3/4 weeks ago. He is a jewelry vendor, and tried to sell stuff to my boss.
> ...


Awww dude







*hugs* I'm so sorry. That is so messed up. I hope you are okay. 

It's messed up that neither of them told you, and she your dad said that, it was out of line foelr him to tell you like that, as part of an argument instead of sitting you down and preparing you for the news and reassuring his love for you.

Far out.

Please do get some counselling, it's so important. They can really help you come to terms with this news and help you find some stability.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well I do wear it when drinking at home, and just...in general.
> 
> but I am compelled to ask you why you let someone set your shoes laces on fire? Like...I've done some stupid things, as have my friends.
> But I mean...setting your shoes on fire? Even drunk, what part of that seemed like a good idea?


Because judgment is one of the things that alcohol suppresses. If I were sober at the time, or probably even less drunk, I would have never allowed that.

If you wear that watch out drinking, with your lack of self control with booze, eventually either some hot girl will talk you into trading it to her for a bj or you'll get rolled for it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

tom67 said:


> :rofl:
> HofbrÃ¤uhaus MÃ¼nchen
> I was there in 85.
> Drinking so much threw up on the bus the next day.
> ...


87-89 for me. Unfortunately I was a 21 year old dumb ass and didn't take advantage of being there. I learned very little German and did very little traveling. Kicking myself for it now. I could have got a eurail pass and spent my weekends and my money making memories rather than pissing my time away in bars.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, whether I like it or not, I am going to be disowned by my entire family now. So that will define me.
> And I have no idea what my medical history is anymore.
> 
> And I've lost my father.
> ...


Broken, you can keep all your rage anger and resentment and carry it around with your like a bag of rocks, savouring it, feeling justified, feasting on it to get you through another day. But there is another way my friend. You do not want to wake up 25 years from now and discover that it has been a very hard load to bear and has destroyed all the relationships you have formed in the past 25 years, with friends, relatives or lovers. Go to counselling, (get another counsellor), learn to forgive and let go. The forgiveness is for you not anyone else. As a wise man said, being resentful and unforgiving is like drinking poison and hoping that the person who wronged you dies. Dont drink any more of the poison. Get off the booze also and pull yourself together, you cannot wallow forever. You have a choice now, to live your life for you being the best you can be or letting all the mess and chaos define you and sink further into self pity and alcoholism. It is your CHOICE.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Because judgment is one of the things that alcohol suppresses. If I were sober at the time, or probably even less drunk, I would have never allowed that.
> 
> If you wear that watch out drinking, with your lack of self control with booze, eventually either some hot girl will talk you into trading it to her for a bj or you'll get rolled for it.


I've gotten drunk before. Some of my post on this site certainly attest to that. 
But I've never gotten so drunk to light my shoes on fire...

Then again, I did have a friend get drunk enough to light his manhood on fire. 
We heard if you whip it back and forth fast enough, and set it on fire with purrell, it doesn't hurt. 
Turns out it still does. 

Now, you're also saying I could use it to get tail. When I am single. 
And that I can get in a fight. I could take out a lot of pent up anger and aggression. I think that would be good for me. (slightly-obvious sarcasm is slightly-obvious)



aine said:


> Broken, you can keep all your rage anger and resentment and carry it around with your like a bag of rocks, savouring it, feeling justified, feasting on it to get you through another day. But there is another way my friend. You do not want to wake up 25 years from now and discover that it has been a very hard load to bear and has destroyed all the relationships you have formed in the past 25 years, with friends, relatives or lovers. Go to counselling, (get another counsellor), *learn to forgive and let go*. The forgiveness is for you not anyone else. As a wise man said, being resentful and unforgiving is like drinking poison and hoping that the person who wronged you dies. Dont drink any more of the poison. Get off the booze also and pull yourself together, you cannot wallow forever. You have a choice now, to live your life for you being the best you can be or letting all the mess and chaos define you and sink further into self pity and alcoholism. It is your CHOICE.


Can one let go and not forgive?


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> I have a feeling my living well will be rather...lonely.


I met my GF through mutual friends, a married couple who run the deli in the building where I work. Their oldest daughter is in first grade with my daughter, and they have a 2 year old little boy.

They're the picture perfect married couple (which feels weird for me to say because I also had my ex wife cheat on me, and I've completely sworn off marriage the rest of my life). They work hard at work together every day, bust their hump, and do so much with so little. They've turned a dying business into a thriving one, and they love their little ones so much. They have each other's backs and the love they have for each other is visible even to Stevie Wonder.

I was having a few drinks with them one night a few months ago, not too long after they introduced me to my GF. The wife (I'll call her J) opened up to me. She said that her mother had an affair and she was the product of that affair. Her mother's husband raised her, but treated her how your mother's husband treated you. The exception was that she knew at a fairly young age...not exactly certain when, but she found out much earlier than you did.

Her home life was a disgrace. Her mother and her husband constantly fought. She had a terrible home life. She moved out when she was still a teenager and got into meth for a while. Her life was in a pretty bad downward spiral.

Then she met her husband, C. He helped her get clean, and they were friends for a very long time. C knew all about J's past, and didn't care. He fell in love with her for who she was, and for who she became. They've been together for over 10 years, are blissfully happy, and they work so hard to raise their children in the type of home that J never had (and in a sense, C never had either...he also had a pretty weird home life growing up).

They used their past, what they went through, to strengthen their resolve. The cycle of dysfunction in both their families stops with them. I admire the hell out of them, and they are some of my best friends. We watch each other's kids, hang out, and are a part of each other's lives.

I have no basis to compare what I've gone through to what you're going through now, so I won't patronize you by saying as such. But I know people who have gone through similar things. And they are some of the best people I could have ever hoped to call friends, and they are so strong and tough and wonderful... It truly amazes me.

You have every right to be angry. You have every right to rail against the unfairness of it all. And you have every right to say goodbye to those who you thought were family. But you _can _find happiness. J looked me straight in the eyes and said, "This is _my_ life. Not my mom's, not whoever my father was, nobody's but mine. And I'm going to make the best of it I possibly can."

You can do the same.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> I've gotten drunk before. Some of my post on this site certainly attest to that.
> But I've never gotten so drunk to light my shoes on fire...
> 
> Then again, I did have a friend get drunk enough to light his manhood on fire.
> ...


I guess you can but letting go usually means supressing the memories and take it from me they will come back to haunt you when you least expect it to ( I am currently struggling with hatred for my father in my late 40's having thought i had let it go!). Forgiveness is a process, it will take time. The guilty party may not know or care about it, so it is for you. You want to get to a point where it doesn't matter to you, it does not mean you forget or have to have a relationship with them if you dont want to. It just means being able to think about that person without any hurt, anger, resentment or animosity.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Broken, i just read through the rest of this entire thread and caught up on the events since then. Wow... 

1. Please get into a rehab for the alcoholism. This has the power to destoy you, it's really important to get around some healthy supportive people right now and get some professional intervention. You have lost so much already, but this will take even what you do have if you are not careful.

2. I don't know if this helps, but i know what it's like to be unloved and abandoned by my parents. I could never make my mum happy, I was always in the wrong somehow, being screamed at, later on neglected on a major scale. Dad was OK until teens. He was an alcoholic. I was kicked out on and off since I was 12, and moved out for good by 16, homeless youth shelters then later on went to share houses and then shacked up with a boyfriend. My past is painful but in another way, I'm thankful for it because it made me strong and independent and empowered and challenged me to find my own way on life. I'm not trying to make this seem rosy for you right now, it's a ****ed up situation that should not be your burden to bear. It seems you are the scapegoat in your family - the one made guilty for their sins so they can go on with their lives while you are discarded as the problem.

But don't let this define you. Despite the painful news, you now know why your parents and family have been cruel and those reasons are nothing to do with you, rather it is a reflection on them and their ****. 

You are an intelligent and worthwhile human being, you don't lose your value just because the family you knew as your family have treated you worthlessly. 

I had some set backs I struggled with for a while without my parents help - poverty, severe depression, PTSD, eventually hit the bottle, and worked in the sex industry when I got sick of not having money to eat or buy medication with. I got out of that and eventually began rebuilding my life with God's help.

I know this is a huge blow right now but please don't let them win.

Again, so sorry you are going through this.

ETA: I also dropped ojtnof school which I never finished. But I eventually caught up in life and found happiness and peace amidst reality . I am married 7 years now, love my husband, I have a baby on the way, a job that I hate buy it pays well, a house that we own, and not "fixed" as such buyni can tell you that my life and emotional state now compared to 10-15 years ago is night and day. I just want you to know that although thongs are hard now, keep going, don't give up on yourself, and don't sabotage yourself. You have already been abandoned by those who should have loved you. But don't abandon yourself.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

aine said:


> I guess you can but letting go usually means supressing the memories and take it from me they will come back to haunt you when you least expect it to ( I am currently struggling with hatred for my father in my late 40's having thought i had let it go!). Forgiveness is a process, it will take time. The guilty party may not know or care about it, so it is for you. You want to get to a point where it doesn't matter to you, it does not mean you forget or have to have a relationship with them if you dont want to.* It just means being able to think about that person without any hurt, anger, resentment or animosity*.


Probably a bad time to say I'm drinking. Like 2 hours ago. While doing homework. Hooray!!!

As for forgiveness...
I managed to forgive my father. Or not father. For everything. I can't be angry at him for anything. I just can't be angry. 

My mother...no. 
I can't. 

Something else. 

Oh yea. 
The bolded part. 

I read somewhere, I think that old poster Beowolf, think he posted on my very first thread like 2? years ago. 
Anyway, his post said, to WS's, that if their BS even yelled and screamed at them, hate was at least an emotion. It meant they still loved them. It meant they had a chance
But when they did nothing. No love, no anger, no yelling, no hysterical bonding (which makes me wonder...seems like one of those jokes on this website, but I thought the same thing of triggers so...), no emotion whatsoever, when they displayed indifference, that is when they needed to worry. 
Because then they had no love. They had no hate. they simply felt nothing at all for the WS. 

So...think I'll aim for that. 

Indifference.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> I have a feeling my living well will be rather...lonely.


Or...you could quit feeling sorry for yourself, realize that MOST people in this world are in worse shape than you are, that you're lucky enough to live in a country where you can GO to school and get a degree, and then go out and MAKE a life for yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> 87-89 for me. Unfortunately I was a 21 year old dumb ass and didn't take advantage of being there. I learned very little German and did very little traveling. Kicking myself for it now. I could have got a eurail pass and spent my weekends and my money making memories rather than pissing my time away in bars.


I was there along with Vienna, Lucerne, Luxumborg, and France within 10 days.
Senior year school trip.
Couldn't believe my parents said yes I was half joking.
At that time the exchange was very good 3DM to the Dollar.:smthumbup:
We bought wine at a gas station
Eh it was bad:lol:


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

QuietSoul said:


> Broken, i just read through the rest of this entire thread and caught up on the events since then. Wow...
> 
> 1. Please get into a rehab for the alcoholism. This has the power to destoy you, it's really important to get around some healthy supportive people right now and get some professional intervention. You have lost so much already, but this will take even what you do have if you are not careful.


Time to answer
With a MEME!!!











> 2. I don't know if this helps, but i know what it's like to be unloved and abandoned by my parents. I could never make my mum happy, I was always in the wrong somehow, being screamed at, later on neglected on a major scale. Dad was OK until teens. He was an alcoholic. I was kicked out on and off since I was 12, and moved out for good by 16, homeless youth shelters then later on went to share houses and then shacked up with a boyfriend. My past is painful but in another way, I'm thankful for it because it made me strong and independent and empowered and challenged me to find my own way on life. I'm not trying to make this seem rosy for you right now, it's a ****ed up situation that should not be your burden to bear. It seems you are the scapegoat in your family - the one made guilty for their sins so they can go on with their lives while you are discarded as the problem.


Hug? 


> But don't let this define you. Despite the painful news, you now know why your parents and family have been cruel and those reasons are nothing to do with you, rather it is a reflection on them and their ****.
> 
> You are an intelligent and worthwhile human being, you don't lose your value just because the family you knew as your family have treated you worthlessly.


My degree lost its value because my school committed fraud!!!



> I had some set backs I struggled with for a while without my parents help - poverty, severe depression, PTSD, eventually hit the bottle, and worked in the sex industry when I got sick of not having money to eat or buy medication with. I got out of that and eventually began rebuilding my life with God's help.
> 
> I know this is a huge blow right now but please don't let them win.
> 
> ...


You'll excuse me, if, while I find this heart-warming (might be the alcohol), I don't want children. 3 years of working in a grocery store killed that desire. 
And what I am killed that desire. 
And I have no desire for marriage. After...everything. 

Marriage seems like a trap.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Or...you could quit feeling sorry for yourself, realize that MOST people in this world are in worse shape than you are, that you're lucky enough to live in a country where you can GO to school and get a degree, and then go out and MAKE a life for yourself.


Would you say that to a BS? '

Or a cuckolded BH?

If not, why are you saying it to me?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Time to answer
> With a MEME!!!
> 
> 
> ...


Here as of now in general men of your age should not marry
:iagree:
A Voice for Men â€“ Humanist Counter-Theory in the Age of Misandry

Watch Divorce Corp Online Free Vodlocker | Vodlocker â€» watch free movies online
Check various links for the movie not just this one.
Watch Divorce Corp Free Online ¤ PutLocker Video.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> QuietSoul said:
> 
> 
> > Broken, i just read through the rest of this entire thread and caught up on the events since then. Wow...
> ...


1. Lol @ the meme. 

2. Yes! A hug! From a stranger on the internet. Creepy i know 

3. You still have the skill set and there are employers who will have an open mind and overlook the actions of the fat Asian guy you hate and see that you worked hard for your degree. You may have to take a lower rank job, eg a book keeper, to prove your skill set before launching into where you'd like to be. But in any cade, you are not unemployable.

4. I didn't want marriage or children either. EVER. But people change. You don't have to want those things, right now or ever, to get free of the way your family treats you and the place they decide you should have in their world.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Also...this might be a side-note...but,
Should I be worried that the counselor said I was developing psychopathic tendencies? Or traits? Or whatever?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I would be concerned enough to get a second opinion


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Also...this might be a side-note...but,
> Should I be worried that the counselor said I was developing psychopathic tendencies? Or traits? Or whatever?


They seem very quick to analyse. It could be that you are displaying some traits consistent with addiction that are similar to some traits of sociopathy. Unless you get off on hurting small animals, I would take this with a grain of salt.

You mentioned they were a graduate. A seasoned psychologist would isolate the symptoms of one condition as much as possible before sugestiong multiple diagnosis. Ie, they should first address alcoholism and substance abuse (if this is an issue) before jumping to conclusions like this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken, most of what your counselor told you is the exact same stuff we were able to tell just by listening to you. Are you over the bend? Not likely. Just extremely pissed off at your lot in life - as 20-somethings tend to be sometimes. The problem is that you didn't ALSO have the healthy loving parents who could show you how to correctly channel that angst into productive choices. That is what WE have been trying to help you do. And you're listening. A little bit. Now take it a step further. Stop blaming your problems on other people or stuff. 

Yes you had ****ty family. So what? They are not you. YOU chart your own course. Find something to do when you feel those feelings - go jogging, go to the school's gym, go play tennis with a friend, go skateboarding...get physical. A big bonus is you'll find that the more active you get, the less alcohol you'll want.

Yes your school got a black mark. But guess what? These types of memories don't last forever and they do not become universal. Most people won't remember that scandal a few months from now. And even if they did, all you have to do is explain that you are NOT the school, you had nothing to DO with what the school did, and it does not define you. 

In other words, YOU chart your own course. The more successful you become, the more you'll see that these things are not YOU, and you are in the best spot possible to do anything in the world you set your mind to.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> Can one let go and not forgive?


I think there are 2 kinds of forgiveness, very different but sharing the same name.

First is the one you described, turning the other cheek. This is what I would describe as the "it's ok, I'm not mad at you, it is like it never happened, we are still friends". This would be when your best buddy _accidentally_ gives you a black eye when you're goofing off. He didn't mean to do it. It hurt, but no big deal.

The second kind is what a lot of people on this thread are talking about. It took me a long time to understand it is something totally different than the first kind. This is not "we're still friends" or "it was a meaningless accident". This is when someone intentionally does something (or is completely negligent). Whether or not they intended to harm you, they did harm you due to their wrong behavior. This forgiveness is of the type "I am not going to let you take over my life, my thoughts, or my emotions. I am going to jettison my hate or disgust of you _for my own good_. I am going to remove you from my life to the extent necessary to create a safe environment for myself. I won't forget what happened, but I am going to move on to other better things in life."

In many ways the second form is _acceptance_. You accept that your mother made bad choices. You accept that your father didn't handle the situation as well as possible. You accept that others did things which harmed you. It was all out of your ability to control, and they are flawed people. The only thing within your control is whether you allow them to continue to drag your life down or if you will move on and concentrate on things which will bring joy and success to your life.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

tom67 said:


> They built a second one
> Hofbräuhaus Chicago | Hofbräuhaus Chicago, USA
> BIL from Munich goes to this one.


I've been to the Chicago one. It is in the convention area right by O'Hare airport. Thus the prices are sky high. The food was excellent, and the beers large. They had live oompah music on the weeknight we were there. With a full house and music playing it is probably a fun experience.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thor is correct. What my IC had me do was ACCEPT that I got dealt a raw deal with my parents and family, grieve what I DIDN'T get - all those other lucky people with cool families - and then choose to say, well, I didn't get what I wanted, but what will I do NOW? Instead of feeling sorry for myself for not getting it, and not getting to any place happier, I decided to say oh well, that part didn't work out, but I'll make sure the NEXT part of my life will be amazing, despite how it began.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.

It's not just a platitude. It's what people who have sh*tty families tend to do - they develop friendships and those friends become like family over time. They create their own families with people they enjoy and appreciate and who appreciate them. 

You are far from the only person who comes from a dysfunctional family. Which means you are not alone.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Broken at 20
You have been shyt on! We get that and most people have also been shyt on. You have a choice; you are either going to *get the right help and then YOU DO IT* or you will just vent your self-pity on others. One will MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER and the other will just make YOUR LIFE MORE BITTER. 

You, like all of us, have a free will, so do not blame others if you are full of hate and alcohol.
I hope you chose to forget about life being fair and use your free will to get a LOT BETTER!

*You are a valuable young person that can change your life for the better
*


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I would be concerned enough to get a second opinion


Well, I did. 

Got that done today. 

Another jerk-off. I am starting to...I hate counselors. 

He said, given the facts I provided, I am suffering from extreme anger, alcoholism, abusing my ADHD medication to stay up late to do homework and study which I shouldn't be doing (apparently), and sleep deprivation, abandonment, and something else I think. 

And that I am showing signs of something else. I don't remember. 

I asked if I hit any psychopathic notes with him. 
He said if I was a psychopath, I wouldn't be in his office, but that I did meet certain...traits. 


So...not a psychopath. Hooray!!!

I should celebrate by drinking!!!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You gotta stop this self-destructive drinking habit you've picked up. It doesn't matter who your dad is or if your mother is a slvt.

You're an alcoholic now. What the f*** is the point of going to counselors or coming here if you're going to destroy yourself on alcohol? 
Are you proud of your drinking problem?

Set the booze aside and think straight. You're not dead yet, but you will be very soon if you keep downing those bottles.

You've got a lifetime full of options ahead of you. So what if your parents are sh1tty ones. 
Go to the private section and see what a ****ing mess I've been dealing with. I sometimes wish I had your problem. 
As in, I found out my father is not my real father! WOW! That would actually be awesome given the sh1tty father I have.

Push comes to shove (and it hasn't yet), you can consider your parents dead (a part of your past) and just live life as if they don't exist. 
A lot of orphans have done that and their life turned out just fine.

Man up dude. Take care of yourself. You're young and life can be fulfilling. Live it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, I did.
> 
> Got that done today.
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you really need the ADHD meds? Have you considered tailing off of them?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I wanted to ask... Because you said your mum is barely talking tonyiu and your dad is kind of cold... Is any part of the conflict because of your drinking? Ie, if your mum kicked you out today, what would she tell you is the reason? Are your fights with your parents about your drinking?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

You second counsellor sounds more well rounded. But don't be too quick to write him off yet. It could be that he may tell you things you don't want to hear but it's important that you listen and take his reason on board


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, first I would say, I forget ot put (obvious scaeracm is obvious) and you people all jum pno tbhe bandwagon of alcoholism. 

Wopw. 

Thatn again, drinking do not the greatest
defnese. 


I am very tired. 
Nopt that sleepy tired. Justy tired. I am tgired of having people try to rtake advantage of me. Just tired of It. I want to stp[ . 


Also offered to take gf oput tonight, 
And she said no. 
B ig deal? no. 
Did I trigger because knowing I a [email protected][email protected] i ump to the owrost case scneario fierst, yes. 

Sigh 


As for ADHD meds, yes. 
I acvtually have ADHD. 
Not one of those kids that pretends to have aDD top get meds. MNo, I actually ahve it. OPtherwise, I wouldn't be in school. I douybt I'd have a job. I can't fucntin without it./ 

Part of the rason I can't gmove out quiack;y/easily. 
I need ADHD meeds. And more so I can sleep. 

As for Mr/ Blunt,. 

I am a [email protected][email protected]/ 

I am not valubable. 
Someone said I hatemyself. 
Your right. I ahte what I am. I ehate myself. I wish I didn;t exitst. I am a disugsting creature. That shouldn;'t exist. Yet here I am. 
:Like a demon. 

I hate myself. 

fvck. 

I feel ,,.more despiocable than Hienrich Himmler. Or.;..Chao. Or some other 90's dictator. 

blarg.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I see your worth...

Plain as day...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

wouydl it make you laugh it i meant o hit rfreshf nd instead hit the x buttomn. 
\

LOLZ



Blossom Leigh said:


> I see your worth...
> 
> Plain as day...


As what 

an auditor that is more cerooekd than a bent wre? 
A basterd who sn;'t loved by anyone? Let alone the cheating w9re who brought him into this world? ]\

What is lieft.? 

The girlfriuend? That rejects m,e diunner advances? 

F1k iut al. 

Fap----


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I see your worth...
> 
> Plain as day...


Broken get help.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> wouydl it make you laugh it i meant o hit rfreshf nd instead hit the x buttomn.
> \
> 
> LOLZ
> ...


Just because you can't see it for now, doesn't mean I don't see i. But, like tom67 said. You have got to get the help you need...

If not, you may never see it for yourself...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Broken get help.


xuytawbki

damn ut

I can;t fuind the back psace

counselors hasve told me I have antisociakl pedsionlaity sidsoaor. 

or similar traits. 

Antisocial personality disoreorer~!!!!

Wna to know who wles ehas that?!!

Serisal. killers!!!

What the dack does that make me?!

UI diont have jhelath insuarnace. I acan;'t find a job, I am tired as shart, 
wghat do I hafve lefr? 

I can barelty affoerd my medicatino bhecauyse my mom won;t help me!

My meds cost 300 a month, to just operate./ Forget sleep. 
How the crap will; I afford without health insur. which on one offers interns. 

what dafuq do I do.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken... After the trauma you've been through, who the hell wouldn't have ASPD. Until you are further down the road of recovery NO ONE will know if its situational or pathological. Chill. 

How do you afford the meds... Work.

$300 is not a lot of money. 

If you are going to create your own life, you are going to have to get focused and view every obstacle as an opportunity to find out just how good you are. 

Get your game face on and leave it there.

Everyday, ask yourself, what can I do today to move myself to greater independence? Then go do that. Regardless of the result of that action, shake it off and ask & do the same thing tomorrow. No excuses.

You need to switch your intestinal fortitude and emotional agility switches to the on position and leave them there for a while.

You can do this. Cheering you on!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> what dafuq do I do.


I would call 911 and tell them I'm suicidal and have them take you to a hospital for a couple weeks where you'll get consistent therapy to help you learn to deal with your bad hand.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

turnera said:


> I would call 911 and tell them I'm suicidal and have them take you to a hospital for a couple weeks where you'll get consistent therapy to help you learn to deal with your bad hand.


I worried too that he is at that point given the desparation of last night. Glad you expressed this T.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Call your doc and ask about the adhd meds. You might not need them anymore, and they may be contributing to your strong negative emotions. There is a disturbing connection between adhd meds and violent thoughts, though it may not be a proven cause/effect.

Booze isn't cheap. Quit the booze and you'll have a lot more available cash.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Broken,
Just read this thread of disaster. I feel sorry for you man.

Here's an idea - find out who your POS Bio Dad is. He might be someone like Bill Clinton worth gazillions of dollars.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So.....today has sucked. 

Getting tipsy now. Hooray. 

Now, what was I going for...

Yes! 
Mis-typed something last night. 

Medication is far more expensive than I posted. Along with sleeping medication. Missed a few keys last night when I was typing...
Or a lot...

What else...
Oh, my grandparents, who still aren't speaking to me, and are actually related to me (LOLZ!) are driving up tomorrow to celebrate their 60 miserable years together. 

Now, am I getting kicked out again? NO!!!
They, the relatives that I am actually related to who are not speaking to me, are going out to eat to some steakhouse. 
I get to stay at home. Alone. Oh well, only people hurt me. Better to be alone than with people. 

At least I don't have to get them a present. 
Best I would do is buy some Cz's, (fake diamonds), because that is the traditional gift for 60 years of marriage, and go to the steakhouse, and throw it at my grandparents. And my mom, and be like, "Happy fake marriage! Have some fake diamonds for your fake marriage!!!"


What else...
Oh, finding out who daddy is. Mom doesn't know I know yet. Nor does she know dad knows. Or...not my dad. sadface. 

Now, what good would my dad being rich do? I can't get child support out of him. I am 22. So nothing I could get. 

The only place I want to meet that man is a dark alley late at night...So I could make sure he gets home safely. 
Or at an IRS tax return audit.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aren't you clever? So proud of yourself?

Guess what? 

The rest of us aren't.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Aren't you clever? So proud of yourself?
> 
> Guess what?
> 
> The rest of us aren't.


Not sure which part of the post you're referring to. 

So I'll assume the last part. 

I am completely serious. 

Are you expecting me to find out my father is some good person, and that he'll help me fix and clean up my life, and that we'll have a great relationship? And maybe I'll forgive him someday?

He is a POSOM. Does he even know if I exist? Would he care? If he did, I doubt he would have remained in the shadows all these years. 
I would rather my real father be dead than out there somewhere for me to find.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So.....today has sucked.
> 
> Getting tipsy now. Hooray.
> 
> ...


You don't know anything about your bio dad, including whether he ever knew your mom got pregnant. For all you know he could be a great guy who would be thrilled to find out he has an adult son to get to know. Before you get all butt hurt about him abandoning you find out if that's what really happened.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> You don't know anything about your bio dad, including whether he ever knew your mom got pregnant. For all you know he could be a great guy who would be thrilled to find out he has an adult son to get to know. Before you get all butt hurt about him abandoning you find out if that's what really happened.


You raise a valid point. 
Not likely, because I feel like by default, being a OM makes you a POS, but that's just me. 

Now, how would the man who raised me feel about that? Getting to know the biofather? 

And how many men want to have a 22 year old appear on their doorstep one day, and say Hey daddy?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I couldn't give a rat's ass about your bio dad. He is not you. He's had NO effect on your life other than to convince you that you're a victim.

What I DO care about is you getting real professional help before you implode or, worse, hurt someone else.

I've seen it all before - all the 'oh I'm such a victim but look at how clever I can be when I'm drunk.'

It's not clever, it's sad. YOU could be choosing a different life.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I've not had much interaction with you, but if you need someone to talk to.....pm me. I can relate to so much of what you are dealing with. While I know I can not truly know how you feel, I do know how I felt when dealing with similar issues. You need to realize though that you are important, you do matter.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Did you tried the AA ?

Because except here, with who do you vent ?

You don't have to stop to drink for go to the meeting.

You will meet people broken for different reasons, or maybe some for the same than yours. 

I did some search :
Here it's an UK based association for help estranged people : Stand Alone - supporting estranged adults in everyday life

Here a forum for estranged person : Forum | Dr. Joshua Coleman

In this link : Support Groups for adult children with estranged families? - separation family | Ask MetaFilter someone advice to find a codependent anonymous group, because they share some issue the poster faced. 

It will certainly sounds very stupid, but did you thinked to apply the 180lists with your parents ?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Until you know for sure your biodad knew your mother was married and he knew about the pregnancy, labels aren't justified. 

At the same time, you need to be stronger before you open one more door that could prove to be more pain. Right now you need to deal with the pain you have first. Look for biodad later.

T.. he just gets blustery. He hasn't learned another way yet. He will.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Broken

You are obviously intelligent.

Turners is offering advice.

Pidge has offered help through PM's.

Heck, Synthetic has told you to stop abusing yourself and he knows from experience.

So I will offer you some advice as well.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Read some of the posters threads on here and come to the realization that your situation is just as messed up as some of the others on here.

You are only 22.

You have the time to overcome so many obstacles in your life.

And best of all you are not married nor do you have any children so you can devote all of your effort on you!

Discuss the paternity test with your Mom. Get that out of the way.

Stop accusing her and just get her side of the story.

Maybe you want to know your bio dad maybe you don't.

You decide.

Do not lean on your GF. She does not deserve to be your crutch.

Be a big boy and come up with a plan. Take one obstacle at a time and overcome.

It is too easy to let anger make your decisions for you.
It is too easy to blame others for your bad decisions.

So stop. Set your goals. And start to obtain them.

You have the choice to be great or be miserable.

What do you choose?

HM


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I made a list
!!!!

And drank life ak fifth./ \

Holy crap. 

can't feel m,y face. 
\

Even for mty drinking 
Not gerart. 

Anyway, don't give me shat 
Because its fridayer !!!
Sop that makes my alcohlism 
[email protected]!!


Anyway, list

I have failed in job. 
Because my school has been posted like 3x in past monhth for fraud. 
Arpparently a schooll comite d fraud does not make one a better scudent. 
Or employee. 
I should apply tothe mafia!!!
I alwauys wanted to work for Tony Sorpano. 

I took the GMat, and have been accepted to the school;'s graduate program. 
Then again, don;t kbnow how great a cschool that commits fraud is. for geraduate crap . 


Anyway, list time:

failing to get second job, take some graduate classes
And try to get more work. Buyt that isn't going to well. Mostly because....I can;t remember. 

As for other goals in no particular orderL:
I am forgetting my family. 
Sure, my sister will be upset. But forget her. She is my half sister. Which makes it beter. 
Probably. 
as for my brother, he is finally coming around. We actually are gettin gpretty close. 
IRONY!!! 
Getting friendly right before I stab him in thes stomach and leave!!!
\
Amnd finding the best way to embarrass mom for cuckolding dad. Ultimately, goal ios to get her disowned by the grandapernts who disowned me, and by uncle. 
Because JUSTCE!!!!


As for sis, let's see here. 

She asked me, in the MOST AWKEAWRD LTY comnversatobn EVER, if I was her brother. 
I said yes. 
Then she sasked, if I am her full brother, or half brother. 
I made a joke, something about a XXX rated movie I think, and avoided the question!!! 
I don't have the heart to tell ehr, 
How do I tell a sister, anbd brother for that matter, that I am their half brother.
!? 

Why am I asking uyou all these quetions?! (as quoted by famous TFS Kaiserneko! Or...uh.m, littlekrubiho!, whoever quoted that one ser9es) 

But seriously, why ask!? 
Anyone3 have jn idea how to break that truth? 
To teenagers? 

What else...

Oh, had some strange conversations with girlfirend. 
About future"? 

Like, Thursday.; 
Sup[er awkward. 

Wasn't even a big conversation. 
Just like, you iknow, where we see ach other in 5 years. 
Apparehntly working yhard and, not...planning about family, was wrong answer. 

She is surprisingly religious. Or.;..family oriented,. 
For...girl that hurts that hurts e during sex. 
OPrematiral sex tat that. 


Anyway, critique list!!!


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Your plans in disowning your family and exposing your mum ate understandable, buy may not be the best thing to do. What have your brother or sister done that they should be disowned? I have full, half and step siblings, and in my experience, family is what you make it. I am not trying to be simplistic, jydr trying to present the point that it's not always black and white. 

But at the moment, all this is really a side issue. Not that it's not majorly life impacting, but the alcohol will destroy you as a person and the relationships you do value, and at the rate you're going, possibly kill you. 

Have you considered rehab/detox? Have your family broached it with you? By any chance, are some of the conflicts you are having with them to do with your drinking or addict behaviours? You need to sort your side of the street out and clear your head before you go on your rampage. 

What has happened to you is really messed up and it is not your fault how you came into the world or that you now have this to cone to terms with, but don't destroy yourself with alcohol, it won' help, it will only make everything worse and your pain worse


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

Look at this train wreck... And people still want to argue with me when i talk about mandatory DNA testing for newborns.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Broken at 20... I just found this thread yesterday.. was reading through.. my







goes out to you.. you didn't deserve ANY OF THIS... as hard as it may be to grasp this.. PLEASE KNOW THIS... you have been beating yourself up so badly on here.. (((( HUGS))))...

When you 1st landed here, I remember your disconnect with your family, your fear of trusting women.. almost seemed like a omen to what you have come to learn.. what a Blow..

I have to say...your defense of your "Non-dad" on these pages, ... I find admirable.. you recognize what he has given- where many would have sought proof & walked away..you feel he did the best he could... given what he always suspected.. 

What I see in all this is a young man with a GOOD HEART... you just want a NORMAL Life...to be loved, a sense of belonging, despite your quirks .... you feel this has been STOLEN from you thus far..you have felt the ramifications of Dysfunction all of your life due to *the choices* of your parents.... .you hate your mother for what she had done to your father....(the injustice of it BOILS YOU)...yet you have given a pass to this man who raised you as his own - because you know deep down, you could not have done what HE did.. 

Now you find yourself slipping more & more into NUMBING by alcohol... You defend this you Joke!!.... Oh Broken at 20... No .. No .... No!!!

DO you realize HOW DESTRUCTIVE alcohol is.. the most abused Drug ever... watch this.. you don't want this to be your future...

 Drugged - High On Alcohol...this explains the pleasure chemicals.. all of it .. why you keep going back to this.. 

You are just 22 yrs old.. Your life stands before you ....Someone with as good of a heart as yourself needs to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in this world.. not drown your sorrows and pity yourself... 

Using myself as an example.. Screw family [email protected]#$...few can relate to what you have been through, this is true.. but not everyone is close to family... heck I RARELY see mine !!...I am closer to my Husband's side !!

Friends have ALWAYS been more important to me.. they helped me through.. then you go on, once you find that compatible person who gets you, loves you, and build your own family.......you wouldn't want to be an alcoholic Father.. you want to be everything YOU missed in life.. this will be your gift to your children.... as you REALIZE the pain this brings to those around you.... more strongly than anyone else could...

You are at a cross roads here.. your decisions *now* can Impact your entire future... please do not take this lightly... 

I remember a time you feared you'd never find a Girlfriend..... See... GOOD THINGS come...you are months away from a Degree....You are not doing too bad here [email protected]# Congratulations !.....a good job takes some time.. sounds your College has defrauded / been in the news..... Your anger here again shows HOW MUCH YOU VALUE THE TRUTH in people.. so BE THAT PERSON.. be an example... 

Who do you want to be ....









There is always HOPE...a new day... another tomorrow...You have more POWER over your own future NOW than you ever did before.. sure it's going to be tough..with all that has just crashed around you, so long as you have a few friends, someone who cares...to encourage you (do you have this -in someone??)....You can pick yourself up, tackle each practical issue as it comes to you... I seen this once on someone's Facebook page.. how true this is of life...








...

Right now...finding a place to stay... and getting yourself SOBER should be at the top of this list...if you show yourself willing to fight to be that better man.. opportunities WILL COME YOUR WAY....

Please don't close doors that COULD HAVE BEEN - Broken at 20...

Another put this video on TAM yrs ago..I never forgot it.. it's kinda a shame that sometimes it takes seeing what another has lived through -to realize HOW BLESSED we really are... now I don't know about you.. but I can't imagine anything worse to be born into than what this man was... and yet.. his attitude.. well.. nothing short of amazing.. 

 Nick Vujicic - No arms no legs no worries - look at yourself after watching this!...this man found love too!... their story here


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

I am sorry that at such a young age that you learned some people can be P's OS, and the insult to injury is it happened to be the people closest to you. You are only 22! I am ten years older than you and I can tell you a lot happens in ten years! Lots of personal growth and by you spiriling, you are setting the stage for a miserable life. Dont let people change you. Pick yourself up and make yourself better than those around you. Victim mentality coupled with alcohol will get you no where. Being successful and happy without them is the best revenge you can get. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So, not drinking right now. So I am sober when typing this. 
Thought I should make that obvious, given the past couple posts. 


So, I am still trying to decide how to deal with the several obvious elephants in the room. 


Now, as for reaching bio-dad. 
Part of me is curious. Like, who he is, what is he like, can I use his connections to my own end then toss him out like a used tissue?
And the other part wants nothing to do with him. 
So, I am sure some of that sounds cynical and...manipulative, but if he is willing, I wouldn't feel guilty. He is a POSOM. Am I expected to feel guilty for that? 

And I do want to embarrass my mom to no end. 
But I also want to keep my brother and sister from getting dragged through the mud here. 

So, how do I proceed here? 
And I got a job offer. 
Wasn't exactly what I wanted. Or even full-time. So life is not looking great. 
Might have to hold off on embarrassing the crap out of mom until I know I can leave, and have all my crap out. 

And I am seriously considering just...letting go of my siblings. 
Part of me can't look at them the same just...knowing everything. 
Also because...should the truth get out, I don't know how they'll react. 
If I tear mom down like I want, I have a feeling my brother will want to tear me down. 
And if my sister finds out, well, she is still daddy;s little girl. 

Then again, might make it easier to let go. 

But I am just trying to figure this all out. 
So...advice?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, not drinking right now. So I am sober when typing this.
> Thought I should make that obvious, given the past couple posts.
> 
> 
> ...


What kind of person do you want to be? Look at what I bolded. This is not what a good man would do. You're contemplating going full dirtbag here. Have you given any consideration to taking the high road?

You're asking for advice. The one thing you've been consistent about is disregarding the advice you've been given. So I'm not going to waste much time on it. Here it is: take the high road.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> What kind of person do you want to be? Look at what I bolded. This is not what a good man would do. You're contemplating going full dirtbag here. Have you given any consideration to taking the high road?
> 
> You're asking for advice. The one thing you've been consistent about is disregarding the advice you've been given. So I'm not going to waste much time on it. Here it is: take the high road.


Ditto, you need to do some serious self reflection


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

James 1:20

I second the motion for the high road. 

Go to your mom one on one and let her know that you know privately. There is a very real possibility she already knows from her ex.

The high road is choosing to not add destructive behavior to already destructive choices.

Choose constructive paths like mentioned in SA's post above.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

Broken at 20 said:


> So, not drinking right now. So I am sober when typing this.
> Thought I should make that obvious, given the past couple posts.
> 
> 
> ...


Don't make any serious decisions right now. You need to stop the self destructive behaviour and work out a plan. You are your own man. You owe nothing to anyone. You have to work it out for YOURSELF. 

Get on your own feet, be economically secure and then commit to paths. 

Your parents screwed up, but there is no need for you to follow down that road. Keep yourself fit. Run, go to the gym, ride a bicycle until you are ready to drop. 

There is a lot of good stuff out there to be experienced. Don't focus on the bad stuff. Don't obsess over it. 

You are not the first guy in this situation and you won't be the last. It is very likely that all of us are descendants from people who were not children of the man they called father. 

This is part of our species reproductive strategy. I know it is hard, but it is as it is. 

You are even kind of lucky, since this episode is going to probably shake your trust in women and offspring they say it's yours. Nowadays you have DNA testing to be sure. In the past a guy had to spend the rest of his life wondering. 

Bite the bullet and man up, be the best man you can be. You can do it.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> What kind of person do you want to be? Look at what I bolded. This is not what a good man would do. You're contemplating going full dirtbag here. Have you given any consideration to taking the high road?
> 
> You're asking for advice. The one thing you've been consistent about is disregarding the advice you've been given. So I'm not going to waste much time on it. Here it is: take the high road.


Well, for the non-dad's best man event, the forum couldn't even come to a consensus about a right answer, so....

Anyway, I see your point. 


But I do have to ask this:

Is the only thing I can do, is just let go?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to do what you need to do for you. The rest is not relevant.

I am sorry for your plight, but from some point going forward, you need to make your own way. It likely has to start getting off booze.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You sound quite narcissistic and 'pathetic' (not trying to offend you, but saying it as I see it).

Your whole "oh poor me, poor me, I'm gonna drink myself stupid and make everyone cry for me" bullsh1t is quite tiring.

Real men don't get drunk.

Real men don't hurt their siblings.

Real men don't use someone else and throw them away (your bio dad)

Real men don't retaliate against their own mother.

Real men don't live life the way you do.

Grow the f*** up. You're not 15 anymore.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> You sound quite narcissistic and 'pathetic' (not trying to offend you, but saying it as I see it).
> 
> Your whole "oh poor me, poor me, I'm gonna drink myself stupid and make everyone cry for me" bullsh1t is quite tiring.
> 
> ...


And real men give zero fvcks what other people say real men should act like. 


Yes, I want to F-over my mother and bio-dad. They ruined non-dad's life, and mom treats me like crap. 
But, and I hate to admit it, the forum is right. I can't. 
I don't want to become a monster. 

I'd rather learn to let go, than become a monster just so I can get even with two people. 


As for hurting my siblings, yes. Disowning them will probably hurt. That's not why I am doing it. 
It's because I feel sick when I look at them. Why? No idea. 
My brother finally started reconnecting with dad. And our relationship is better now than it has been since this whole ordeal began. 
What good will telling them why I can't reconnect with their dad, and why I can barely stand to look at mom, do? 
It's more for me, than them. 


Maybe that makes me a monster. But I don't care. I just can't do it. It's not misplaced anger, it's just...some painful feeling. 



> You are even kind of lucky, since this episode is going to probably shake your trust in women and offspring they say it's yours. Nowadays you have DNA testing to be sure. In the past a guy had to spend the rest of his life wondering.


Yea...because having giant trust issues is totally not something I was already dealing with before finding this out. 

I didn't want kids before this episode. 
Now, I want to get myself snipped. But I doubt a doctor would agree to do that on a 22 year old, childless, male.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Broken
Get your emotions under control. Your siblings will always be your siblings no matter who your Dad is. 

So stop trying to hurt them. 

Don't hurt your mom. She owes you answers. So act like an adult and get the truth. Your stepdad will always be your dad. And your friend. His issues are with your mother. 

Take the job. Some job is better than no job. 

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Sibling testing doesn't provide conclusive results for paternity.
Doing a y-chromosome test with your brother would give you a much better indication but doing a sibling test with your sister (especially with out also sending a sample of your mothers DNA) doesn't always give accurate results.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, for the non-dad's best man event, the forum couldn't even come to a consensus about a right answer, so....
> 
> Anyway, I see your point.
> 
> ...


There's a new show called Battle Creek that I just watched last night. The main character has such demons, it's painful to watch. Yesterday's episode was about his horrible mother and how she's had such a bad effect on him. I recommend you watch it, if you can find it. The guest start who played his mom is Candice Bergen, if that helps you find it.

The long answer is, you can try to just let go. You can try to tear her down. Or you can try to be somewhere in between. Go for in between.


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## Joe75 (Oct 12, 2013)

“What kind of person do you want to be?”
Posted by Nucking Futs

Broken at 20

You are at a defining point in your life. You can either chose to remain in darkness and pessimism. Or you can decide that your past and today’s present will not sully your future and commence building a new life with confidence, determination and purpose. 

But before you can start this journey, you must first answer the question – what kind of person do you want to be?

Regards 

Joe 75


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What happened was bad.
Now think of what this guy is going through.
The case gripping Australia: Stephanie Scott murdered a week before her wedding

I am sorry for what you are going through however put this in perspective.
I hope he has family around him for a suicide watch.
Think about it my man.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I suggest viewing your siblings from a human perspective...


They are humans, just like you

You have lived together for years

You can befriend them and be a support for them and allow them to be a support for you.

That's what you've done with us, except without the living together. Why not them...


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So been drinking. On a Wednesdaty night...

And finsihed a tasx erutrn. 

If you any of are parterns, I mean like, actually partner is in your title, I am willing to bet your tax return is doen wrong. 
Just spent hours doing one. 

And not because th person who prepared it was drunk. \
I had to go through so many fcing examples on le internet, because people dion't know WTF they;re doing. 


Anyway, I had a point for this post. 

Oh, disowneing sibklings,. 

That is for me. 
Not because I hate them. I love the,. they are all that is left in my right now. 
But I can't look at them withouet feeling sick. 
Because whenever I see my brother, I hoep he is...well, dad's. I hope he isn;t what I am. 
Whenver I look at my sister, I feel sick to my stomach. 

It's because I can[;'t take looking at them. 
Not because I want to hrut them,. 

It's letting go. 
Much like with mom. 
I just...I can't do it. 

I am suffering from those triggers. 

Ever since my dsiveory, my mind has been flashing all these memories of me and dad. Or not dad. 
My alcogolism is surely not helping that. 

Terribly, I found out I can;'t do much of my accounting without drinking. 

Lol, I am just realized that I ahve two test monday. Consolidations, and auditing. 
I am so effed. 
LOLZ!!!

Either drunk, or failing. Or both. 

Then again, I remmeber that time I took a Cx accounting test after downing a bunch of vodka and getting a B+ 

sol,.

So...Yea!!!

What else...
I know there was another reason...


Anyway, yea. 

Does that explain the sibling disownement? 

Or am I expected to stay in touch with them? 

IOr should I?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

No one says you have to do it right this moment.... take your time. Get past the triggers... they will get better. Trust my word on that. I walked that road. They do improve. Just give yourself time. It's ok. No rush. Distance for now is ok. You need time to heal and you can tell them that. I need distance right now, but I will be back when I can. It is PERFECTLY ok to create emotional healing space for yourself. I had to do that and it worked wonders. So, it doesn't have to be so black and white that they are either in or out of your life, but there is no denying that for *right now* you need space. So take it, but reassure them you will be back when you can. 

i just want to reiterate how sorry I am you are going through this. My relationship with my mother ruptured severely in 2009, so it hasn't been that long ago that I went through this very thing of extremely painful relational dynamics with family. It was BRUTAL. and I was 18 years older than you.... You have my utmost support in navigating this situation. It totally sucks just like mine did and it took about five years after that for things to start changing for the better. Only in the past six months have I seen the strongest changes in our family for the better. So, things do heal... it just takes time and the landscape on the other side will not be like before. It WILL be different, but it will also be better than right now. 

My strongest encouragement is to not destroy yourself in the mean time. Turn these things into strength for the future.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dude, there's no reason for you to ANYTHING right now. You obviously don't know what you want, so any decision you make right now would not be completely right. So do nothing.

Distance yourself from your family for now, make no decisions, work on your OWN life, go out and GET a life (that doesn't involve alcohol), and start enjoying yourself. 

Have you done ANY of the vast amount of things I've suggested to you? Why don't you start with going back and reading people's posts to you and vow to make one change a week.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

young man......you are in a constant up and down cycle right now. Your lows are pretty easy to figure out, since that is when you start drinking. Think about being real honest with one of your docs, and maybe they can help you level out a bit.....wouldn't hurt to try anyway.

and you're right....us rank amateurs should be cautious about doing our own taxes. We are in a unique situation, and could have saved over 1K in Missouri taxes by filing married but separate.

I don't feel too bad since a close friend who retired at the same time also failed to take advantage of the same tax issue, and he uses a paid accountant. Oh well.......at least I have my total Missouri taxes down to $65 for next year by knowing this......lol

But for now....focus on getting that darn degree. You will then have a very marketable skill........by having a useable skill, future employers will not give a crap about what school you came from. I speak as a past supervisor etc who has interviewed and hired a bunch of federal law enforcement investigators. The only time the actual school makes a difference is when the very high profile law firms hire from elite colleges. Get the degree and you will be just fine.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

turnera said:


> Dude, there's no reason for you to ANYTHING right now. You obviously don't know what you want, so any decision you make right now would not be completely right. So do nothing.
> 
> Distance yourself from your family for now, make no decisions, work on your OWN life, go out and GET a life (that doesn't involve alcohol), and start enjoying yourself.
> 
> Have you done ANY of the vast amount of things I've suggested to you? Why don't you start with going back and reading people's posts to you and vow to make one change a week.


Do you want me to just list them off? Because I've made numerous changes compared to...well, when I first came here. 
Or more recently, when this all started back in...Jeez, was it October? Or November? With the old other thread...seems like a different life almost. 

The changes are overshadowed by the glaring problems, namely the blatant alcoholism, coupled with a hurricane of emotions, that have not really...healed. 
And my rage and trust issues are not getting better. 
It would be easier to say the number of people who haven't F-ed me over than list off the people/institutions that have. 

So...yea. 



> young man......you are in a constant up and down cycle right now. Your lows are pretty easy to figure out, since that is when you start drinking. Think about being real honest with one of your docs, and maybe they can help you level out a bit.....wouldn't hurt to try anyway.
> 
> and you're right....us rank amateurs should be cautious about doing our own taxes. We are in a unique situation, and could have saved over 1K in Missouri taxes by filing married but separate.


Yea, it's funny. 
My tax professor tells us how we're so prepared for the world because we have to take TWO tax classes, and most universities only make their undergrad's take one. 

And this is coming from a school that has committed a couple types of fraud, and oh yea, now in a massive budget deficit. 

I wonder if they'll still expect me to donate money back to them as an alumni. 


> I don't feel too bad since a close friend who retired at the same time also failed to take advantage of the same tax issue, and he uses a paid accountant. Oh well.......at least I have my total Missouri taxes down to $65 for next year by knowing this......lol
> 
> But for now....focus on getting that darn degree. You will then have a very marketable skill........by having a useable skill, future employers will not give a crap about what school you came from. I speak as a past supervisor etc who has interviewed and hired a bunch of federal law enforcement investigators. The only time the actual school makes a difference is when the very high profile law firms hire from elite colleges. Get the degree and you will be just fine.


Well, I got a couple job offers. 

Sadly, the best thing I got currently, is not even an accounting job. Mostly a sales job, where I sell expensive insurance and complex financial instruments to people without business degrees, and tell them they're buying tools for their retirement. 

Not really ideal, but with graduation coming up...and with some background in sales...I am running out of options. 
Would prefer a job that doesn't make me feel like a terrible person, but whatever. 

And there is also the problem it is mostly a commission sales job, and since I don't have several financial...certifications or whatever, I would have to split all of them. So.....
Maybe I should make a budget to figure out how much I am gonna have to sell before I take this thing...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Off topic, but if you can afford to start small, making little money at first, a job in insurance or financial services is a VERY lucrative career, because, as you know, you get residuals from every client you sign up, for as long as they do business with your company. Sign up enough people, and you're set for life.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Be patient with your opportunities. My first job was in a small burger joint. Now I own three houses. . You have the rest of your life to plot and plan. There will be times you have to take a means to an end, much like the idea of driving a beater car until you can afford the one you want. I've done that a few times because I prefer to put my money into investment houses. Your personal development and life building doesn't stop once that degree paper is in your hand. It continues the rest of your life. Embrace it with calmness and intelligence and you will do well. Just remember to live below your means and build margins into your life. You ARE doing better OP, proud of you. You are now even admitting and are more deeply aware of the alcoholism. This is great. I hear those next recovery steps coming. Happy for the freedom headed your way!


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, took the sales job. 
Requires a ton of training, and more exams so I can get the full commission. Until that time, I have to split most of them with the higher ups. 
Sounds like a pyramid scheme now that I think about it...
But if they survived the 07/08 crash, they're good. Right? 

Start after I graduate. 

I still want to get my CPA, which requires a masters, generally speaking. I don't have enough hours. 
So that could be another year. 

I am trying to find someplace to move into. But I feel nervous looking since I have no idea what my income will be. Working on commission can make it pretty...volatile. 

I am still trying to think of the right way to confront mom. 
I don't want to pull my siblings into this. I don't want them to know. Girlfriend doesn't know yet either.

Or does asking her even matter at this point? I don't know if I want to meet my bio-dad. Will she even remember, or tell me? And she barely talks to me as is. 
I really want to embarrass her. But I guess that isn't an option. That would do far more harm than just to her. 

My alcoholism is straining the relationship with the girlfriend. As is my work load from school. Both of us have really been to busy to go out on a date for over a week. And she is wanting me to cut down drinking. So...having to work on that. 

So...advice on...any of the above?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Very impressive! IME, lots of jobs require you being a 'junior' person and the 'senior' person getting some of your commissions as they train you; it's par for the course. Basically, it's an apprenticeship. So that will work out well for you. And allow you to take your time getting your CPA. 

I would look for a room to rent in some little old lady's house. You'll probably get access to a bathroom and the kitchen, for MUCH less rent than an apartment. Do that for the first year, and put most of what you make in the bank. Build up a savings account so you can afford to live on it for at least 6 months to a year. Once you have that, then you can start planning for other things in life.

Forget about your family for now. Focus on graduating and starting that job. You have all the time in the world to deal with your family, right? Get your life in better shape before you deal with that, so you can come at it from a position of strength, not desperation. 

For the girlfriend, how about this: I don't know if you drink every single day, but if so, how about you set a goal to NOT drink at least one day a week. Specifically the day you and she go out on a date. Let her see you can make it without alcohol; that will help a lot. Once you've done that for a month or two, set your goal for going without alcohol TWO days a week. Then maybe work it up to no drinking on weekdays and only on weekends. You'll need that anyway, to keep your job.

Before you know it, you're going to have a great life to look forward to.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Broken

Sales can be very rewarding. If you put in the time, have a great attitude you will be amazed where it can take you in life.

Do you love your GF? Do you love yourself?

If the answer is yes then don't decrease your drinking. Quit drinking.

Drinking serves no purpose in your life at this time. 

Your GF will appreciate the gesture and it will keep you on the straight and skinny. Plus alcohol is expensive.

If you go out on a date have one beer or drink.

Keep the focus on you. You control your destiny.

And when you have that conversation with your mother don't make it confrontational.

Keep it simple. Get the facts, let her know you know and deal with it in an adult manner.

Keep posting.

HM


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, took the sales job.
> Requires a ton of training, and more exams so I can get the full commission. Until that time, I have to split most of them with the higher ups.
> Sounds like a pyramid scheme now that I think about it...
> But if they survived the 07/08 crash, they're good. Right?
> ...


Hopefully it's not Primerica. They'll try to get you to sell to your family and friends, and more importantly in their eyes to recruit your family and friends to become a part of your "sales force". Or worse, you higher ups will ask for a list of all the family and friends you know and they'll try to sell these to them or recruit them away from you. 

Be very careful about this. If you have to pay for an independent contractor fee and you receive no fixed salary or health benefits, then it's not a real job.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

My job is not ideal in any sense of the word. 
Working for commission could mean, I make $5000 in June, and $200 in July. Not exactly an easy way for a 22.....well, I would be 23 then in July...anyway, not exactly a stable/easy way for a 23 year old to get by in life. Not knowing what I'll make next month, or week. 

Nor is it a job I particularly want to do. I want to be in auditing. Not sales. I am tired of trying to sell things. I can do it, and I know how. I simply do not enjoy it. 



> Hopefully it's not Primerica. They'll try to get you to sell to your family and friends, and more importantly in their eyes to recruit your family and friends to become a part of your "sales force". Or worse, you higher ups will ask for a list of all the family and friends you know and they'll try to sell these to them or recruit them away from you.
> 
> Be very careful about this. If you have to pay for an independent contractor fee and you receive no fixed salary or health benefits, then it's not a real job.


I was already asked who I would talk with to try and get some business from. 
Surprisingly, I already have a few people. I think...



> Broken
> 
> Sales can be very rewarding. If you put in the time, have a great attitude you will be amazed where it can take you in life.
> 
> Do you love your GF? Do you love yourself?


Again, I just don't want to do it. I can, but I don't like it. 
I also tend to be at my best (or at least I was during the holiday season selling however much I did) stealing drinks from a flask.....And constantly chewing gum. 

As for loving my girlfriend...not exactly sure I am at that point. I mean...probably said that before while having sex...so.....don't know if that counts. 
Don't think she has said anything like that either outside of bed...

No, I hate myself. 
Not because of that "Oh, woe is me."
I hate what I am. 
I don't care what people say, with that old "God created you," line, or that "All life is precious," BS. 

I just hate what I am. Pure and simple. 
I am disgusted by what I am. 

And yes, it does define me. 
I may be at risk for who knows what. Cancer, dementia, whatever. 


> If the answer is yes then don't decrease your drinking. Quit drinking.
> 
> Drinking serves no purpose in your life at this time.
> 
> Your GF will appreciate the gesture and it will keep you on the straight and skinny. Plus alcohol is expensive.


We have both been pretty busy lately. So...she hasn't been able to complain. 
Makes me feel better. I don't have the time to take her out, and she no longer has time to go out. So...guess the relationship is on hold until we get some time to open up. 


> If you go out on a date have one beer or drink.
> 
> Keep the focus on you. You control your destiny.
> 
> ...


I don't what facts I want to know. 

Learning the truth about non-bio-dad and me was a pandora's box (assuming I am using that idiomatic expression correctly. I am an accounting major, not an English major) 
Learning who my bio-dad is another pandora's box. 
Not sure I want to open that one.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

so, had some crazy as hit stoday. 


O yesterday now..

Wanyway. 

Guy came i with his wife and kid. 
Kid haad blobnd cuirly hair, and both mom and 'add' had straight hair. 
Boss brought it up, while I changed a battery in a watch 

I looked up at the wife. 
I noticed, she couldn't meet my boss's wyes. 

What do you think that kid is? 

That caused me to thrwo up . 
About 1 minute later. 

I hope she burns in hell,. 

If it is waht I think thins is. 


What else. 


Oyh yea. while driving, to...can't remember. 
Oh yea, getting bos's lunch. 

I passed bya old man standing behind his car. 
He was hollding a sign. 
He looked like an aged version of my dad. Non-bio dad. 
And the sign read something like "Stranded, looking for my son, hav eyou seen him?"

when I drove back to work after getting my boss's super sized lunch, he wasn't there 

Ever think you're goping insane? 

thionk I', going sinsane. 

And I've been drinking. 

Also have to redo my 15-hour consoldiateions project. Because the incorrect cells in excel were confered . 
So...one of htose nonsleeping nights again. 
Yea...

But so...yea

What the ****. 
Like. mind games. 

I know that shyt ain't normal.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Oh, totally forgot something. Which is realy fvcking important. 

GF works at a McDionalds. 


So some guy that worked at her...mc-D, whatever, knows me. 
Said she was just...frednly with some guy that works there. Like...overlty friendly. 
I asked him why he said it. 
Told me he would want ot know if someone was goind it with his gf. So good karma. 

So...
that's how my day was. 

I think I am going more and more insane day after day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No more insane than anyone else's life.

And first jobs are rarely what you really want. They are just to start filling your CV.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude my mom had 7 kids, and my older sister and myself had the same dad.
This my friend was very common in black society.
I'm not talking about welfare queens, but black women that worked hard with or without a man.
This was a past down from slavery dude, and us being a migrant family.
Women had boy friends, and sometime they got knocked up.

YOU still have a great start on an awesome life, so can the poor lil old me, and go be you.

OH, my old man had 16, 8 and 8 with 3 women.
If you want, I can seed you my FB link, we have a family geneo page going back to my grandpa and ma, and guess what?? My Dads mom was name Hallie, even got a pic of her and grandpa there.

Let go man, heal, and live fully.

As for the gf, maybe it's time to be just fb's, cause she seem to be spreading her wings.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Broken at 20
> No, I hate myself.
> Not because of that "Oh, woe is me."
> I hate what I am.
> ...


You have had some hurts in your life I get that; most people have also. You say that you hate yourself and what you are and you are not the only person that has been in that mind frame. Lots of people have hated themselves and have pulled out of it. If you need help then go get help but you will have the biggest part in you stop hating yourself. *You come here telling us the same thing over and over again but you keep drinking and drinking.* That is one thing that you have not done and that is stop your drinking. MILLIONS HAVE DONE IT SO YOU HAVE NO EXCUSES! 


Instead of you condemning someone to hell why don’t you do more positive things to help you not hate yourself? People try to help you with telling you the truth like God created you and life is precious but you come back with your silly defense of saying it is BS (Bullshyt). *Tell us why you cannot stop drinking and start changing your condemnation attitude*. Tell us the truth because we can spot a feel-sorry-for- me-cop-out very easily!


You are young and have a good chance of having a better life so do not give me any lame azz excuses as to why you are still drinking.


Just about everybody here that has posted to you have given you good advice and have tried to help you. In addition, they know that you are young and can have a much better life and that you have value. YOU are the one that keep sabotaging you getting better. *You have no trouble telling someone that you hope they burn in hell so you do have some spunk it is just that you are using your spunk to act like a punk*!

You can change that if you want to


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> so, had some crazy as hit stoday.
> 
> 
> O yesterday now..
> ...


No more pity from me. You fvcked up your project because of your drinking.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Oh, totally forgot something. Which is realy fvcking important.
> 
> GF works at a McDionalds.
> 
> ...


Psssst! It's the drinking! She's moving on because of the drinking!!!!!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Broken, I've said it before, I'll say it again: you really need to lay off the sauce.

Nothing in your life will improve until you admit to yourself that you are hiding behind (and inside) the bottle. Your problem isn't your bio dad, your non-bio dad, your flaky mother or your half-siblings. It's booze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, I graduated. 

Only one class I was worried about. But I passed it. 
Not with flying colors, but it was all I needed. The professor was terrible. And that's not me, he is a terrible teacher. Over half the class was failing, and the other half were barely pulling a C in percentage total. 

But, I'm done. 

Started my new job. 
Not exactly...the easiest job. I found out I need a lot of certifications to sell financial stuff...so.....guess I got more school work to do. 

Still looking for some place to live. 


I think I am finally feeling that light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't gotten to it yet, but so close I can feel its warmth. 

Great feeling.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Congrats .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great update! Proud of you!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Congratulations! So proud of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you stay in this job for a number of years, you'll have set up residuals that will keep you comfortable for the rest of your life, and you can then branch out and do any kind of accounting you want to do.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Went drinking to dcelte DRAguating!!!

M<ostly because ther was one 1class I kneow I failed the finakl. 
Along with the smarty pants in the class. 
Greades got posted today. 
Bt padssedf futha mucker!!!

wha else...

Oh, met siwht someomen wile drinking. 
Having a meeting sometime or naother. Maybe get my first comision schecks and then get downpayment for aparemtnet. 
And make momney. 
And mveo ut. 
And make money. 'Still ot whwat I want. But wahtevers. 

Giess the3 drinking hasn't exacly goin cold tyurkey. 
But it was nice scothc . 
I never neget nice sciotch. 


Funy. Gf asked me if I woulead ehelp her in her last summer next fall. Becauyse she atkes, wel opbcvisous,y, the same sclasses I ahve taken

I am %110 % sure its wrong to tradet grade to your gf, but also...sex. 
Ad......
boobs. 


Also signed up for samuymer classes. 
only at nightk, and only late. 
Plus, I want to knock oune onut before my tax textbook goes out of date. Because fvck tx. 

Like, must publisah $400 book eery year to jyust F people over, because I hate people. 
Says textbook publsihers. 


Celebrating!!!

Uh,....

Happy graudation!!!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I'm not wasting my time trying to decipher that nonsense. I do wish you would stop posting when you're inebriated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

At this point I'm starting to think that we're all just being played. Some of those characters are nowhere NEAR where they'd have to be in order for them to be typos.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Ok...gone 10 days and the site becomes something totally different. 
Didn't expect that. 


Anyway, been working. Six day work week, and if my hours were just 9-5, I would be happy. But they aren't. 
These hours are worse than my school hours. School hours were noon to 11, usually. 
Work hours are 9-midnight. Or later. 

But they aren't. 
And I have to look nice, so its expensive. 
And my paycheck is commission. 
Which I haven't gotten any...so.....


Now, I know I haven't had that much time to figure it out. I am well aware of that. 
But I am thinking, long-term. 

I put in over 60 hours this week. And I have pretty much nothing to show for it. 

I am trying to move out, but I need to get some money to do that. And to do that, I need a paycheck. 
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little discouraged. 

Does this kind of stuff get easier? 
And I feel anxious. 

At least when I was in school, I had a goal. I had a set finish line. 
Now, it's just...in the air. There is no set finish line. There is no real...path. It's not easy to work with. 
How does one work around that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One tells one's self that EVERY person has to start at the bottom, learn a lot, work a ton of hours for little pay, so that you can start to become the star of the company. 

Of course, you'd have to at least TRY to have a positive attitude...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

sales is not easy. 

But you do have to start somewhere and get experience....

But be smart about it, set small goals that are attainable that you can use as a benchmark.

This will allow you to track your progress as you improve and keep your employer from taking advantage of you.

Put yourself out there and new doors will open for you.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> At this point I'm starting to think that we're all just being played. Some of those characters are nowhere NEAR where they'd have to be in order for them to be typos.


Either it's not what it's portrayed as, or it's attention wh0ring.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Broken at 20 said:


> Ok...gone 10 days and the site becomes something totally different.
> Didn't expect that.
> 
> 
> ...



Does this job have a base salary or is it 100% commissions?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

O/T. I want to compliment you on your post to Throwaway05. It was a comprehensive, coherent, and compassionate reply from someone that has BTDT. Kudos to you for reaching out and giving someone else the benefit of your hard earned experience.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aunt Ava said:


> O/T. I want to compliment you on your post to Throwaway05. It was a comprehensive, coherent, and compassionate reply from someone that has BTDT. Kudos to you for reaching out and giving someone else the benefit of your hard earned experience.


Me too! I wanted to come over here to tell you so, but I was too lazy, lol. 

The fact that you can post such a nice reply shows what a wonderful, caring, worthwhile person you are. You're going to be a great person.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Either it's not what it's portrayed as, or it's attention wh0ring.


If I was attention wh0ring, I'd be posting everyday. 

Or...I don't know. 
Don't really know how else to prove it. Beyond posting a picture. 
Which won't do. For the reason of not wanting my history, and my story, being tied back to who I really am. 

Don't need old class mates, or future friends, or clients, or coworkers, knowing my past. 
I am sure some people may say that my past won't define my future. But I don't want my clients, or well, future (hopeful) clients, knowing my past. 



Blossom Leigh said:


> Does this job have a base salary or is it 100% commissions?


Yes! And it sucks!!! At least, without commission it does. 



Aunt Ava said:


> O/T. I want to compliment you on your post to Throwaway05. It was a comprehensive, coherent, and compassionate reply from someone that has BTDT. Kudos to you for reaching out and giving someone else the benefit of your hard earned experience.


I wouldn't wish her situation (assuming it's a her, I can't remember having to remember a lot right now), or my situation, on anyone.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hey bud... do what I did... get your foot in the door with a mortgage company. Work your way up to a loan officer, they can make six figures. It doesn't require a degree, but a LOT of banks offer tuition reimbursement if you wanted advanced degrees later. Quit wasting your time with anything else. You will learn a lot about real estate which is very valuable.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, I have finally managed to make some money. 

Nothing compared to what I was hoping. Granted, I was probably aiming too high. My goal was to be moved out by my birthday, which...didn't happen. 

But finally made some sales and some commissions. So currently saving up to make the deposit on a place. 
Made a big sale with my supervisor/boss yesterday. So he gave me the day off today. (He also got the lion's share of the pot...which if he stumbles on this page and reads this, and possibly knows who I am, then I am TOTALLY fine with that sir!) 

Started looking around for places. 
I also have a couple of life questions: where does one find roommates? I don't really want to move in with the people I work with. I feel like working/living with someone is a sure fire way to grow to hate them. 
And I have heard some real...horror stories from just looking for roommates off craigslist. 
I have tried my old college contacts, but most of them don't live at school. It's difficult (and could possibly identify who I am to people I don't want knowing) to explain the entire situation, so suffice to say, it is a dry well.

And what does one look for when searching for an apartment. I am not looking for school districts, or crap like that. But other things that I, being the know-it-all recently turned 23 year old, wouldn't think of. Like...is the wifi terrible? Or is it close to a police station and a rough part of town? 
Just things like that I wouldn't think of. The internet can help iron out the basics, but I like to hear real-world experiences and hard-learned lessons.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Why not ask the people you work with, that live in an apartment what to look out for?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Impressive! And I'm proud of you - again!

Roommates, there's bound to be some sort of online vetting system, with reviews or something. Use the Internet.

For apartments, budget first, then look up crime statistics, and decide what you'd like to have - gym, rec room, pool, etc. - and see which are available in the area you choose to live in. Test out the traffic during peak hours for the area to make sure it's not horrible. You can also search for demographics - don't move into a place that is full of 60 year olds.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

> Now, as for reaching bio-dad. Part of me is curious. Like, who he is, what is he like, can I use his connections to my own end then toss him out like a used tissue?
> And the other part wants nothing to do with him.
> So, I am sure some of that sounds cynical and...manipulative, but if he is willing, I wouldn't feel guilty. He is a POSOM. Am I expected to feel guilty for that?
> 
> ...


I can only tell you what I would do.

First, keep working on getting financially independent so you don't have to worry about about the consequences from your mother or anyone else. And, when you get a full time job with health insurance, hopefully it will cover rehab. 

You won't make the decision to go to rehab willingly. If you go, it will only be when you get to the point where you're going to lose something if you don't; a relationship, a job, money, or a clear criminal record. 

Now, back to that talk with your mother. When you do talk to her, be sober, calm, non accusatory and rational. You have every right to question her about who your father is - and to let her know how how angry it made you; but control your emotions. I would suggest you wait to hear what she says before you make a decision on whether to pursue bio-dad. If she says he knew about you, that would change things in my mind; at least as far as wanting to find him - but that's just me. All this is assuming that she tells you at all, and that you can determine whether she's telling you the truth.

Sorry to chime in late. I just caught up on your thread.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So proud of you!! Will chime in with thoughts when we are off the road. Traveling today...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> At this point I'm starting to think that we're all just being played. Some of those characters are nowhere NEAR where they'd have to be in order for them to be typos.


Well, I'd agree but my wife sent me a text message asking me to explain the text message I'd sent her the night before. From the bar of the hotel in Dublin. 

"What text message?" I thought. Then I checked the text message I'd sent. And I thought: "S**t! I must have been wasted!"

:toast::rofl:


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