# Do you "ask" your spouse first?



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

This is a curiosity question for both the husbands and the wives. 

Do you ASK your spouse before you change your appearance? How about TELL/WARN them? Does it make any difference if it's temporary (new haircut, dye hair a different color, shave or grow facial hair) as opposed to permanent?

I got a tattoo over the weekend, and the very first question every one of my friends asked me was "did you ask (H) first?" I'm wondering if that's because it was a little out of character for me, or if most people do allow their spouses to make those decisions for them.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

I would ask my wife's opinion before making a significant change to my appearance.
But I wouldn't ask for permission.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

For me, if it's a haircut or something like that, I mention it in a "I want to have this done I think x day would be good. is that ok?" It's not asking if I can have it done, it's asking if it's ok for him to watch the kids, or let me take the car alone.. and even sometimes we go get our hair cut together. We're kind of dorks like that.

A tattoo? I would never get one without telling my spouse. It's a big deal, and he'd want to be apart of the fun as well.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

No.

I sometimes have a beard, sometimes shave it off. My decision.

Sometimes I wear my hair longer (but still short) sometimes I shave my head. My decision.

If I felt the need to get another Tat (already have on from the past) I would probably tell her, probably listen to her advise, but then make the decision on my own.


I don't think she would protest another Tat if I decided to get one.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I wouldn't dare get a tat without speaking to the wife first.

Damn, just imagining that confrontation gives me the shivers.

I wouldn't make any major changes in my appearance without first asking her what she thought.
I figure she has to sleep next to me for the rest of her life she might as well be sleeping next to something she likes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

No. Nor would my husband. We are very supportive of one another. My hair is very long, my husband loves it. He prefers long hair, but would not be upset if I cut it all off. 

My husband is against tattoos, but it wouldn't bother him if I went out and got one done as long as the price was decent. Some tattoos cost quite a bit of money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

I just got a tattoo as well! But I did talk to my h first not that I asked if it was OK just what I was going to get but couldn't really decide wher.e I narrowed it down to 2 spots and he helped me decide by having me draw out (very crappy version) of what I was going to get hold it up to those areas and see where I like it better. So far I got 2 tattoos without him being with me the other 3 we went together and he got some work done as well. 

I'm cutting and dying my hair this week and h knows nothing of it.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

so if you were going to get a face tatoo you wouldn't ask your husband if he minded.


or a big affrican nose ring for that matter.

I think once your married you should respect your husband opinion before you perminatly change your appearence.

but thats just my opinion.


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## themightypenguin (Dec 5, 2011)

Sort of. I usually just do whatever, but if she hated a haircut or something I might change it. 

I try to get her to do fun things with her hair and sometimes she does. She has a couple tattoos I'm not crazy about, but I can't imagine anything she could do to her appearance (aside from obesity) that would really be a big deal.


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

I don't ask mu H for permission, but I'll casually mention what I'm having done and gauge his reaction. He does the same for me. It's courtesy to me. A tattoo I'd absolutely ask what he thought. He could honestly care less about hair and stuff as long as I'm happy and not bald lol! But a head's up about a major change is always nice. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

When I was married to my ex husband, I didn't get any ink because he didn't like it, it was out of respect for him. Since our divorce, I've gotten 2 tattoos. I will be getting number 3 and 4 for Christmas, as a gift from my fiancee.

I don't ever ask for permission, but I do ask out of consideration and respect to my partner before doing anything dramatic to my body. I don't even mention it when I dye my hair though. Of course, if I went blonde or some other opposite end of the spectrum than the colors I usually go (dark brown, black or dark red) I think I'd bring it up before I did it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> When I was married to my ex husband, I didn't get any ink because he didn't like it, it was out of respect for him. Since our divorce, I've gotten 2 tattoos. I will be getting number 3 and 4 for Christmas, as a gift from my fiancee.
> 
> I don't ever ask for permission, but I do ask out of consideration and respect to my partner before doing anything dramatic to my body. I don't even mention it when I dye my hair though. Of course, if I went blonde or some other opposite end of the spectrum than the colors I usually go (dark brown, black or dark red) I think I'd bring it up before I did it.


This, although it is not so much asking as getting her opinion. I value it and want to know what she thinks (and frankly, I want to look nice for her). She does the same for me.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

yes..but no....if im going to color my hair, i will say in going lighter or darker.

if he didnt like it...i would prob do it anyways...but i dont see it as "please sir, can i be an adult.." but its just part of open communication. even if the other person dosent agree, they wouldnt feel as if you just didnt take their feelings into consideration and if one person in the unit starts acting in single mind-set....

even if its not, but just that little break down in communication, and a little verbal dialog of the thought process, even if your mind is set, can make a difference and everyone can speak their mind.

so its not about please, please im grown, its about hey we live together, and have to have an open and honest relationship. we dont have to agree on everything, and sometimes agree to dis-agree.

i want to be the safe place you come to with anything, from i just walked out of walmart with the candy bar and i feel guilty..to i just killed old man jenkens, where do we keep the shovels and cement..

doing something to make you feel better or make your outside match your inside..please tell me what you are thinking how you really feel about it.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

All six of my tatts and piercings are without asking permission. I'm sorry, my body and no one elses right to have control over it when it comes to appearances.

Mind you, I'm respectful. I include him in the process of it rather than just tell him I'm doing this or that. The second biggest tattoo I got (knee to ankle) he sat with me for the 3.5 hrs while it was being done. He wants a few tatts himself too (doesn't have any yet). One of my tatts was done before we met (I was 18 for my first one).

Mind you, I did get the tongue ring and told him after I did it. He was so peeved off at me and I felt like such a bytch too. I felt extremely guilty about doing it without letting him know but he's come to like it over the last 6 yrs (if you catch my meaning) and is glad I did get one both for my own self expression and well. yeah... lol


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I mention Im going to get my hair trimmed. He doesn't care...I never go freaky on him.

I got my tat 3 days after he walked out  Best thing I ever did.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

We do ask each other. 

Just the other day when I was lamenting how much my hair has grown and saying I should get it cut (I wear it very short), he said it's really nice long, and if I grew it out very long he would love that. He knows I can't stand it so I don't think he'd really ask me to do it, but I got the hint. I'm considering it. I'm not cutting it for now, although it drives me up the wall.

He told me when we first got engaged that he likes long nails and for the longest time he didn't want me to learn piano because nails have to be extremely short. So yeah, I'm very oppressed LOL.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

Huh, such a wide range of answers. 

For us we ask each other's opinions/advice before we do most anything, just out of courtesy, but in the end we make our own decisions. He'd prefer I had long dark hair, but it looks terrible on me so I keep it the way I think looks best. He warned be before he shaved off the facial hair he'd had for the first 17 years of our marriage, and I wasn't sure it was a great idea, but he did it anyway. 

As far as the tattoo though I did discuss it with him first. I had no desire to do something permanent that he'd hate and might find to be a turnoff. He's never in 22 years forbid me to do anything, though, so there wasn't much chance of him starting now.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

We usually get each others opinion too.

He decided he wanted a tattoo. He started talking about the design and what it represented to him. I loved the meaning behind it. He found the artwork he wanted to use and asked my opinion. I told him this was something he'd need to be happy with, it was being tattooed on him, so I didn't want to contribute too much. He pushed and said he wanted to know my thoughts. I liked it but didn't want to have too much influence on something so personal. Anyway, he got the tat and I LOVE it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My hair on the other hand - I seem to go through a phase that hits each year around June where I just want to do something unexpected. The time I acted on impulse with my hair (one June), my hair went from being long to extremely short. It was a decision I made driving to the appointment. I came home "SURPRISE!" He was good about it but said he prefers it long. I also concluded that I do too and grew it out again. The following June hit and I came home with a bright red streak of hair - just towards the front.

It should be noted, these moments have not been the best look for me. This is why I now ask his opinion or just talk it through when I get that itch lol. 

Recently a friend wanted to practice spray-tan on me and suggested lightening my hair to a shade of blonde. I am a pale brunette. I told her no, because it's not my thing. I was slightly curious but I'm not really into the fake-tan look. I mentioned to hubs. He said "No. Don't let her mess with your look."


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'll admit, I was pretty surprised at how upset my STBXWife was when I started wearing blush, pink fingernail polish, and bright red lipstick - along with getting my chest hair waxed off and that permenant mascara treatment.

Come to think of it - that's about when her EA's started....but I'm sure that was just a coincidence...

Should I have mentioned this sooner???


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> I'll admit, I was pretty surprised at how upset my STBXWife was when I started wearing blush, pink fingernail polish, and bright red lipstick - along with getting my chest hair waxed off and that permenant mascara treatment.
> 
> Come to think of it - that's about when her EA's started....but I'm sure that was just a coincidence...
> 
> Should I have mentioned this sooner???


:lol: Oh you're a funny man! It was probably the red lipstick. Red's tough to wear, a nice mauve shade would have probably looked better on you


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'mAllIn said:


> :lol: Oh you're a funny man! It was probably the red lipstick. Red's tough to wear, a nice mauve shade would have probably looked better on you


Plus, I looked better in garters and stockings than she did. Deep down - a lot of jealousy going on there!!! Poor insecure woman...


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

It's my body, I will do with it what I want. BUT the hubby tends to worship it, so he does get a say in how it's decorated!

When we married, I had 3 tats already, and I was upfront and honest in telling my husband that in all likelihood, I would get more. All he asked me to do was to keep him "in the loop" as to when I wanted another one, so he could discuss it with me. So when I went to get my 4th one I told him, we talked about it, and I went and got it.

I think we should all ask spouses what their opinions are on matters, but in the same respect, our spouses have to remember that we are individuals and if we constantly asked permission on things, it would amount to no more than servitude.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i really dont want to know if my wife wants to make a quick temporary change. i feel as though discussing it first will bias my reaction, and i like to be objectively honest. so far as permanent changes, i just like to know my opinion matters. im not about to give permission, i dont feel its mine to give, but i do want to have the opportunity to warn my wife if she is planning on making a change that will be a turnoff for me. hence, i like to be informed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't tell or ask my husband when I am going to dye my hair (always at home doing it myself anyway), I keep the color within similar shades, he is glad I am not one who wants to go gray at my age. 

But yeah, I would never do anything like cutting my hair short , getting a perm or a tatoo without talking it over with him 1st. 

I already know the Tatoo answer, he does not like them on women & would be against it. Which doesn't bother me, I've never had that desire -for me, I would be more worried about the rare chance of an infection or coming down with Hepititis B/C. I would never pay to go to a tanning salon, as this raises your risk of cancer plus costs $$, sounds crazy to me.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> so if you were going to get a face tatoo you wouldn't ask your husband if he minded.
> 
> 
> or a big affrican nose ring for that matter.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm surprised by so many of the answers here.

A haircut is going to change over time, it's not going to cause a divorce. But people have different thoughts and feelings on tattoos, what if it really bothers your spouse? What if the symbolism triggers an emotion in them and now they have to stare at it every day. What if they think it makes you look ugly and it lowers the attraction?

In a healthy marriage, your spouse will respect the decision you make with your body, but you should also respect their feelings as well. I can't see why you wouldn't want to discuss that with them.

I can see a difference if you both are regular inkers or something and it's just a continuation of a lifestyle, but if it's something out of character, I would have a problem with it. I am not a "tat" person. If my wife came back with a tattoo and didn't talk to me about it first, I'd be offended that she didn't even have the decency to talk to me about it first.

The whole "it's my body I can do whatever I want with it" attitude is maybe justifiable, but it's not a recipe for a healthy relationship.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

no i don't...

Sometimes i die my hair a different color, or cut my hair sometimes a trim, sometimes i chop it off.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I agree with COGuy, a tat is not in the same league as a new hair style to me.

Taking the "my body, my decision" attitude, you could easily justify getting a vasectomy without consulting your wife, and obviously that wouldn't be very considerate.


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## Jen S (Nov 10, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> This is a curiosity question for both the husbands and the wives.
> 
> Do you ASK your spouse before you change your appearance? How about TELL/WARN them? Does it make any difference if it's temporary (new haircut, dye hair a different color, shave or grow facial hair) as opposed to permanent?
> 
> I got a tattoo over the weekend, and the very first question every one of my friends asked me was "did you ask (H) first?" I'm wondering if that's because it was a little out of character for me, or if most people do allow their spouses to make those decisions for them.


I ask my husband about my wardrobe and all that, the usual stuff just to get a second opinion. Now when I go for shock value, like dying my hair purple, I prefer to surprise him. He's usually supportive though.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I've had problems with my wife in that I almost never asked her opinion about a change I might make. She felt left out and devalued because I didn't at least ask her what she thought about doing x, y, or z. I've gotten better about it. 

Previous to getting married, I was just used to doing whatever I wanted (shaving my head or growing facial hair, etc...) without having to get someone's opinion. I'll still do what I want, only these days I'll at least ask what she might think of it before proceeding.


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## FloridaITguy (Nov 4, 2010)

COGuy hits the nail on the head. I'm one of those 'surprised with a tattoo' husbands... Yes, it's her body and she's an adult, likewise I'm an adult and in my 40 years have always thought that they make women less attractive imo. Right or wrong, it's been over a year and it still has an effect on us.

I strongly believe that when you are married you should at least communicate with your spouse before making important decisions, and take their feelings into consideration--even if you disagree with them, it's still something you need to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FloridaITguy said:


> COGuy hits the nail on the head. I'm one of those 'surprised with a tattoo' husbands... Yes, it's her body and she's an adult, likewise I'm an adult and in my 40 years have always thought that they make women less attractive imo. Right or wrong, it's been over a year and it still has an effect on us.
> 
> I strongly believe that when you are married you should at least communicate with your spouse before making important decisions, and take their feelings into consideration--even if you disagree with them, it's still something you need to consider.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I'd be very upset if my husband came home with a tattoo. But he dislikes them as much as I do so that isn't going to happen any time soon.. thank goodness


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Near the end, my wife got a very large, all black Ace of Spades tattoo on her upper arm.

Really nice tattoo...for a truck driver. Very well drawn - just not attractive to ME. And LARGE.

I think we had sex ONCE after she got it.

Granted, there were a lot of other issues as well, but the tattoo in my eyes was an "in the flesh" representation of all that had gone haywire in our marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Near the end, my wife got a very large, all black Ace of Spades tattoo on her upper arm.
> 
> Really nice tattoo...for a truck driver. Very well drawn - just not attractive to ME. And LARGE.
> 
> ...


Hm, that's how I see the tattoo craze in our society now... a representation of all that has gone haywire in our society.

When I was a kid, tattoos were for dunk sailors and lowlife's. They still have that stigma to me.

I also thing that most tattoos get to looking pretty bad over time. I've seen them turn into run-together ink blots.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

We discuss those things, not like having to ask for a permission, but still asking something like " What do you think about me doing ....."
And for a tattoo i would definitely like to be asked!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's a big spectrum between asking opinions and asking permission. I think a healthy "two adult" relationship is much heavier on the asking opinion side. I've never asked my STBXW or my current GF's permission, althought I have asked their opinions many imes, as I trust most females judgement over my own when it comes to aesthetics especially. And in particular for appearances, where I have to look at myself for about three minutes in the mirror as I get ready for work, but I absolutely love the look in my GF's eyes when I'm "looking good" to her.

For that matter, I wouldn't expect to grant or deny my permission to my GF for anything she wanted to do. Although I might volunteer my opinion, even if it wasn't asked. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> We usually get each others opinion too.
> 
> He decided he wanted a tattoo. He started talking about the design and what it represented to him. I loved the meaning behind it. He found the artwork he wanted to use and asked my opinion. I told him this was something he'd need to be happy with, it was being tattooed on him, so I didn't want to contribute too much. He pushed and said he wanted to know my thoughts. I liked it but didn't want to have too much influence on something so personal. Anyway, he got the tat and I LOVE it.


I don't know much of your background but I'm guessing you and your hubster have a pretty good relationship. Love the 2-way going on there!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

nice777guy said:


> Near the end, my wife got a very large, all black Ace of Spades tattoo on her upper arm.
> 
> Really nice tattoo...for a truck driver. Very well drawn - just not attractive to ME. And LARGE.
> 
> ...


If you're still posting on this site, that tattoo would explain why she cut you off after she got it. It has a specific meaning that I didn't know about until stumbling across it by accident.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Wife told me she was getting a belly ring.
I said don't do it as it could get infected.
She got it.
It got infected.
No more belly ring or any ring (except ear rings)


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If you're still posting on this site, that tattoo would explain why she cut you off after she got it. It has a specific meaning that I didn't know about until stumbling across it by accident.


aarrghh……I just googled this…..I wish I hadn't, haha


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