# Wish I were born into a different family



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I feel awful, and just like the title says, I wish I were born into a different family. My parents came over for a bit this evening, and after a bit of drama about general stuff, they cut into my BF's daughter not being OK with her Dad and I dating. There's a specific issue of a gift I had made for her, and was thinking of signing it from "Santa" rather than from me because it might be better received. I will follow my BF's suggestion on this though, but my Mom keeps trying to tell me what I should do. 

Anyways, as my own folks were leaving, they noticed a Christmas card on my doorway table that my XH will be picking up tomorrow when he comes to walk the dogs. Long story, but he walks them every once in awhile. The card is from his relative, and I thought he'd want it. I'm doing errands tomorrow, and going for supper with a GF; he's coming over in between there. My Mom likes to question and know exactly what I'm doing a lot of the time. I tend to feel a little suffocated and like I can't just have my life and not worry about her questioning everything. My tone got a little not-nice, and we ended up getting into it a bit, and I told her that I felt that she questioned a lot and that I didn't have much space to just be me. I call her everyday; I don't want to, but I do because if I don't, I feel like a terrible daughter. This stems from when I moved out for the first time in 2004; she would have me call everyday when I got home just to make sure that I made it home OK. She's told me that I don't have to call, but I explained to her that it's my own guilt that I need to deal with, and that if I don't, I feel awful and it eats at me until I call. She was dumbfounded as to why I feel that way, yet when I explained to her that I'm more of a sensitive person and tend to hang onto feelings, she said she does the same thing. Yet, she has a steel rod in her spine, and I really don't know why she was so dumbfounded. 

Long and short of it is that I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of never being heard, and almost always having things thrown back in my face. I apologized tonight, and I feel genuinely horrid. I feel like a terrible daughter, yet I know I only wanted to be heard. I'm going to make another appointment with my therapist to talk about how to get along better with my family. She mentioned a few techniques last time I was there: disarming, gentle inquiry, stroking, grey stone. I'm pretty sure that none of those will work except for the grey stone. I'm ready to just give up. I want to say that I don't care anymore, but I do, otherwise I wouldn't be here. I dread Christmas with these people though.

Sorry for the length here, but if you got to the bottom, thank-you!!


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You are not a terrible daughter. That's my final offer. lol 

Something is going on inside of you and I hope you get it worked out. This kind of flagellation is keeping you from being happy by loving yourself.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Can you start stepping back a little at a time maybe? Like decide to call every other day?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I agree with Spicy -- #1, STOP the daily call and letting her know every detail of what you are doing. #2 DON'T Tell her everything, where you are going, etc.. You are an adult, and Mom doesn't need to know the details anymore. YOU need to prioritize what you want her to know, and just leave out the other stuff.

Be respectful of your parents, but realize that this is YOUR life. They guided/directed you when you were young, as they should. NOW it is YOUR time to do the directing/guiding of your own life, not theirs. If you limit what you tell your Mom, you limit what she can get on you about, no? Start filtering the info you give her, and just back down a bit. You CAN do this without being guilty -- you need to be happy yourself -- guilt REALLY messes that up, so you should think about why you feel guilty all the time.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

At this point, you need to think about how this guilt-driven relationship is affecting your other relationships. I highly doubt this level of intensity is enjoyable for your BF or conducive to forming a good relationship with his daughter. You have got to release yourself from this guilt and know your worth/value as a daughter is not connected to the number of times you call your mom or the information you give! Even though you two get into it, I know this would kill her knowing you do all of these things because of intense guilt. 

I highly suggest picking up a book on guilt to try to learn some coping skills or maybe some IC? So sorry you feel this way!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks @2ntnuf, something definitely happens inside when my Mom and I get into it like that, yeah. But, overall I am happy with who I am as a person, and I do realize that I have worth. It’s just that while my Mom professes that she loves me, accepts me and thinks that I’m a great daughter, this isn’t how I feel she treats me. So, it’s a little odd, and I just wish we could have a good relationship.
@Spicy, yes, this is what I’m going to start doing. I’ve said that before, but guilt always gets the better of me. But, I really need to make a stronger effort on this.
@jlg07, I think I do overshare because I’m in this constant loop of “maybe if I share XXX info, she’ll accept me or respect my opinion”. Then, “oops, that didn’t work; maybe next time will be a more positive outcome”. It’s really quite a sick loop when I think about it because the next time comes, and the results are the same (hence feeling badly, because it feels like I can’t get anything right). But yes, I’ll be respectful of them, and stop oversharing hopefully without guilt, and taking back a little control. You’re right, if I don’t share everything, she has less to get after me about. 
@moulinyx, my BF actually doesn’t see this side of mine and my parent’s relationship; my parents treat me completely differently around others, him included. He would probably be shocked if I shared this info with him to be honest. But yes, it probably does affect my relationships with others, even though I try not to let it. And, my Mom knows that I feel a huge amount of guilt if I don’t call her all the time, because I told her this tonight. However, she often doesn’t hear what I say (my sister experiences the same thing with her), so I don’t know if she even heard it. And, I tried making an appointment with my therapist, but can’t get in to see her until the end of January!

On the other hand, my Dad stormed out of my home this evening, and I think he said something about hoping they’re in an accident on the way home. This isn’t the first time he’s said something like this; once, a couple days before a flight and dropping their dogs off with me, he said that he hoped the plane crashed and they died. Then they wonder why I feel awful and guilty. This is the joy I get to deal with!


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Guilt occurs when one does something wrong--like hurt someone else. Guilt trips make you feel guilty, but also resentful. False guilt is a learned response that is triggered by something external to us. it is not appropriate, not reasonable, and unhealthy. Guilt is often secondary to unfair criticism of oneself or perfectionistic self-appraisal.

I'm thinking you spent much of your growing up years trying to please your parents. Now you are an adult with the ability to decide what is appropriate--not what they think you should be doing. Do your best with what seems reasonable to you. 

If you choose, gradually stretch out calls or visits. Do not apologize, do remain loving, just demonstrate that they can 'rest easy' about having to advise you into old age. Smile and know that they love you or say I appreciate your input, but I'm working on it.

Your dad (and maybe mom too) seems to be a master manipulator and when you are always trying to avoid his crushing remarks, resentment makes you want to escape this family. The more you play into them, the worse it gets. No human is perfect, mistakes are inevitable. To expect perfection is abnormal.

So, as a mom, I find myself zipping my lips when I really just want to participate in my adult kid's lives more. It is a hard habit to break. Individually, I asked them what about me they found most annoying and then I listened and tried to do better. As long as you act with respect, I'd think you are golden.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They have treated you like this your entire life and they have no interest in changing. That means you have to change how you interact with them. If you don’t, you will continue to carry that guilt even after they’re gone — especially after they’re gone because then it will be “too late” and “not fixable”. I dealt with a similar situation with my mother. 

Limiting contact was the only thing that worked for me but I still felt tremendous guilt after she was gone because I couldn’t fix it. The truth is that my mother wouldn’t ever allow it to be fixed no matter what I did or didn’t do. Your mother is very unlikely to as well even though you continue to hope she will one day. As long as you’re on the current path, the dynamic will remain the same. 

PS
The fact that they treat you differently when others are around is very telling. They know.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your mom may not actually expect you to do everything she tells you to. She may think it's her job to provide unwanted and unsolicited advice. You can thank her for her advice/input and tell her that you'll consider it. Then, go on your merry way and do exactly what you want. Mom got her mom kibbles (which allow her to think she is still needed) and you're off the hook. You've been reacting like a little girl - it's time to learn how to manage mom like an adult. Hint - flattery will get you everywhere.

I'd call my dad out on those over-the-top statements. That's childish on his part.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Hon--you have got to find a way to get off that guilt train. Glad to hear you're making another appt. for therapy.

Of course I don't know you IRL but your posts are always so insightful and self-reflective. You appear to be a loving, caring person who is always thoughtful of others' feelings--sometimes to your own detriment. I have no doubt you are a wonderful daughter.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Your mom may not actually expect you to do everything she tells you to. She may think it's her job to provide unwanted and unsolicited advice. You can thank her for her advice/input and tell her that you'll consider it. Then, go on your merry way and do exactly what you want. Mom got her mom kibbles (which allow her to think she is still needed) and you're off the hook. You've been reacting like a little girl - it's time to learn how to manage mom like an adult. Hint - flattery will get you everywhere.
> 
> I'd call my dad out on those over-the-top statements. That's childish on his part.


The above is a simple and on point response.

You are giving your parents too much control here. Your mom most likely just wants to be part of your life. So let her know what's going no, but filter what you tell her. Then do what you want to do.

Your dad's comments remind me of Archie Bunker. When he says stuff like that he's blowing off steam based on frustration. Just tell him that he's talking nonsense and you love him. That anything bad happening to either of them would be devastation. 

You need to be the adult here. There comes a time in all of our lives when we become the adults. Our parents need something from us, but we need to separate without hurting them. 

Just stop telling her everything.

Be kind to them, but live your own life.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If you were a tree, everything about your life would be beyond your control. You couldn't pick a different place to grow, bar the bad actors from your life, or be anything but passive about every circumstance of your life.

Good news, you aren't a tree. You didn't win the family lottery, but you get to decide which people to include in your life and to what extent. You don't have to call your mother every day. You just don't. If they stick their noses into your business, you can tell them it is none of their business and to butt out. You can use those exact words if they don't get the hint from the nice ones. You can choose to include people who do respect you in your life, whether they're related or not. 

If your family is like mine, they tend to set up networks where to reach one person you have to go through some other one, and usually the not-so-nice ones are most anxious to be the one you have to go through. Well to hell with that, I talk to the ones who respect me and bypass the ones who don't.

Be on the lookout for places to meet good people and cultivate relationships with them. If your family comes around, include them again. If they don't, their loss.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"On the other hand, my Dad stormed out of my home this evening, and I think he said something about hoping they’re in an accident on the way home. This isn’t the first time he’s said something like this; once, a couple days before a flight and dropping their dogs off with me, he said that he hoped the plane crashed and they died. Then they wonder why I feel awful and guilty. This is the joy I get to deal with! 
"
Ursula, did your Dad do this because he was mad at YOU, or was it because something your Mom did (sounds like the latter, but not clear).
In EITHER event, your Dad is guilt-tripping folks/trying to manipulate from the sounds of it. Good technique for someone who is 12-14 and hasn't learned better, but really not a good way to handle things as a full blown adult.

Next time he says this, just tell him "well then I hope your will is up-to-date!". Just try to make sure HE sees that he can't manipulate you or guilt trip you with this stuff anymore.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Is the ''grey stone'' a technique where you hurl a rock at your parents? If so, I recommend it also.

Despite all of you being adults, you're still in ''young daughter'' mode. This needs to change.


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

How old are you, Ursula? And how long have you been living by yourself?

If you have been on your own for while then it's time to cut the emotional umbilical cord with your parents. 

You don't need their approval to make decisions. Do you feel insecure about your decisions and need their emotional support? 

I love my parents but I realized I need to live far away from them in order to have peace of mind. My parents, my siblings and I have a group chat and we all text almost daily. That's all the communication I need from all of them. Maybe you can start texting your mom and stop calling her every day.

You're not a bad daughter by enforcing boundaries. Not at all. As a mom my goal is to prepare my children to live without me. I want them to be able to make decisions without my help. 
When you are making a decision without telling your mom, you're not a bad daughter. You're being an independent grown woman who has learned how to be an adult and in control of your life. 

If the change is overwhelming you can start slow, one day at a time. Don't call your mom today. Step back a little bit every day. And reward yourself if it helps! 

I don't like your dad's manipulate actions. If that was my dad saying he hoped he died I would have said something like, "well, if you guys die then the dogs have to go to a shelter because I'm not prepared to take care of them. Sorry." Turn around and leave. 

You don't have to beg for attention and acceptance from anyone, including family. Good luck!!


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You are a loving, "good" daughter Ursela. We're even on good terms and my children don't call me every day. They just have their own lives, and I don't need to know everything they are doing.

You definitely need to have some boundaries that limit what YOU do. If they try to guilt you for your new behavior, assure them (and remind yourself) that you love them, you just don't need to check in with them every day.

Regarding your father's comment: what the heck?? When you confront him, or make a joke about it, don't mention the will. He will use that against you later to say that all you care about is his will.

Say something about his funeral arrangements. Or ask him how old he is: 12?? Ask him how old he is and choose a low number every time he does that. Tell him that it is manipulative and doesn't do anything but make him look manipulative.

He says that as he leaves because he is manipulative and passive aggressive. He can say it as he's walking out and not be confronted because he is leaving.

I understand your frustration. They both sound dysfunctional. Your mother, I think will be the easier one to deal with since she says things while you are there, and where you can respond. You'll have to be honest and firm with her. Assure her you love her but that you need to be respected as an adult, and that you need some privacy and boundaries.

When you wish you had another family, remember that some children were raped, sold, beaten, starved, etc. by their parents. Your parents are difficult, but not as bad as they could have been. Be thankful that what you have, and learn how to make the situation better by establishing boundaries, and then upholding them when they are crossed.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sunsetmist said:


> Guilt occurs when one does something wrong--like hurt someone else. Guilt trips make you feel guilty, but also resentful. False guilt is a learned response that is triggered by something external to us. it is not appropriate, not reasonable, and unhealthy. Guilt is often secondary to unfair criticism of oneself or perfectionistic self-appraisal.
> 
> I'm thinking you spent much of your growing up years trying to please your parents. Now you are an adult with the ability to decide what is appropriate--not what they think you should be doing. Do your best with what seems reasonable to you.
> 
> ...


Holy ****, you hit the nail right on the head with all of this. Bang on, 100%. And thank-you for explaining that guilt thing; I could never understand why I felt so guilty when I hadn't done anything wrong. And yes, I'm my own worst critic, and am a perfectionist, although am learning to let go of some things.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Adelais said:


> Regarding your father's comment: what the heck?? When you confront him, or make a joke about it, don't mention the will. He will use that against you later to say that all you care about is his will.


Yeah I actually thought that after I posted BUT I was intending that she say it CLEARLY as a joke, but I think your idea is much better!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Openminded said:


> They have treated you like this your entire life and they have no interest in changing. That means you have to change how you interact with them. If you don’t, you will continue to carry that guilt even after they’re gone — especially after they’re gone because then it will be “too late” and “not fixable”. I dealt with a similar situation with my mother.
> 
> Limiting contact was the only thing that worked for me but I still felt tremendous guilt after she was gone because I couldn’t fix it. The truth is that my mother wouldn’t ever allow it to be fixed no matter what I did or didn’t do. Your mother is very unlikely to as well even though you continue to hope she will one day. As long as you’re on the current path, the dynamic will remain the same.
> 
> ...


I have sought help for how to better interact with my parent, but find that when I'm in the heat of the moment, it's really tough to run through the checklist in my head, and I usually end up reacting. I think that the easiest thing for me to do is the "grey stone" method, and just become the most boring person on the planet, and not give them any reaction, positive or negative. I now know that things will never change, and my Mom and I aren't magically going to have a good relationship, so I'll accept it as it is, and need to work at changing little by little. You're right, it's been this way my entire life; I won't change overnight either. I'm really sorry to hear about yours and your Mom's relationship, and that she's gone now.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> Hon--you have got to find a way to get off that guilt train. Glad to hear you're making another appt. for therapy.
> 
> Of course I don't know you IRL but your posts are always so insightful and self-reflective. You appear to be a loving, caring person who is always thoughtful of others' feelings--sometimes to your own detriment. I have no doubt you are a wonderful daughter.


Thank-you, you're sweet! And yeah, the guilt train sucks!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Your mom may not actually expect you to do everything she tells you to. She may think it's her job to provide unwanted and unsolicited advice. You can thank her for her advice/input and tell her that you'll consider it. Then, go on your merry way and do exactly what you want. Mom got her mom kibbles (which allow her to think she is still needed) and you're off the hook. You've been reacting like a little girl - it's time to learn how to manage mom like an adult. Hint - flattery will get you everywhere.
> 
> I'd call my dad out on those over-the-top statements. That's childish on his part.


I agree with your thoughts on this too. I overshare, always in hopes that they'll someday accept me. My sister (who lives 5 hours away) doesn't do this, and tends to get along with them a little better these days. She's suggested I cut down the sharing of info, but it's hard when I get questioned, and I'm a terrible liar. I seriously couldn't pull the wool over a sheep's eyes. But yes, when she gives unwarranted advice, thanking her and telling her I'll consider it is a good idea. Feed her the kibbles of being needed, and I'm off the hook. I like that idea!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> "On the other hand, my Dad stormed out of my home this evening, and I think he said something about hoping they’re in an accident on the way home. This isn’t the first time he’s said something like this; once, a couple days before a flight and dropping their dogs off with me, he said that he hoped the plane crashed and they died. Then they wonder why I feel awful and guilty. This is the joy I get to deal with!
> "
> Ursula, did your Dad do this because he was mad at YOU, or was it because something your Mom did (sounds like the latter, but not clear).
> In EITHER event, your Dad is guilt-tripping folks/trying to manipulate from the sounds of it. Good technique for someone who is 12-14 and hasn't learned better, but really not a good way to handle things as a full blown adult.
> ...


Honestly, I have no idea why he says/does things like this, but I feel that it's childish and manipulative. The only thing that I can come up with is that he doesn't like it when I express an opinion. I remember one time (I was 22/23) that I was quite upset and down, and they told me to get over it (the situation at hand: my family forced me to break up with a guy I was dating because they didn't like him). I asked my Dad if I could say my piece and was told, "no, your opinion means nothing to me so you can just shut up". 

LoL to the bolded -- I'd be curious to see what his reaction would be to that!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> Is the ''grey stone'' a technique where you hurl a rock at your parents? If so, I recommend it also.
> 
> Despite all of you being adults, you're still in ''young daughter'' mode. This needs to change.


Haha, no, it's just a technique where one doesn't react in any way at all. Yes, in times like this, I feel much younger than my age.



pastasauce79 said:


> How old are you, Ursula? And how long have you been living by yourself?
> 
> If you have been on your own for while then it's time to cut the emotional umbilical cord with your parents.
> 
> ...


Pastasauce, I'm 41, and bought my first home at 26 (when I first moved out); 9 years ago, I built the home my 2 dogs and I live in now. Have been married; am now divorced. Have a full-time job, and 2 side gig businesses that I started almost 4 years ago now. I did all of the above on my own. I definitely don't _need_ my parent's guidance when it comes to decision making, but I do respect their opinions and thoughts concerning some things. It's an issue though because I need to figure out that fine line between sharing and oversharing. I haven't called or texted my Mom today, and it feels right.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your dad does sound childish and passive-aggressive, with some bullying tendencies thrown in, to me. It’s hard enough to deal with one controlling parent but you’ve got two so you’ll have to double your efforts, unfortunately. They won’t give up easily, and it may take awhile, but hopefully they’ll get the message.


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

There's a lot of baggage around parent/child relationships.

My take may meet disapproval from some.

First - I am the father of two now 40+ y.o. kids.

Secondly - Having kids is a selfish act. Not necessarily bad, but selfish. Either we have kids because we want to have kids or we have kids because we can't be bothered not to have kids. 

My kids had no more say in their existence than I, or you, had in ours.

That means that my kids don't owe me. I owe them. I owe them because I forced them to exist. Life isn't something they were given - it was forced upon them with no option to decline.

That doesn't preclude them being grateful, either for their lives or for individual acts, but they are under no obligation to be so. Nor are you.

I'm not qualified to tell you how to do so - but I suspect that you need to rebalance the power dynamic in your relationship with your parents. As with marriages - the party most prepared to divorce is likely to be the one who controls the relationship.

Sometimes parents express "disappointment" with their kids - they don't act as expected, achieve as expected, earn as expected, socialise as expected, produce grandchildren as expected etc.. 

So what? 

Parents who care will have expectations but that is all they are entitled to. They created an independent life - they have, IMO, a moral duty to support that individual - whether it follows their preferred lifestyle or not.

My twopennorth.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Honestly, I have no idea why he says/does things like this, but I feel that it's childish and manipulative. The only thing that I can come up with is that he doesn't like it when I express an opinion. I remember one time (I was 22/23) that I was quite upset and down, and they told me to get over it (the situation at hand: my family forced me to break up with a guy I was dating because they didn't like him). *I asked my Dad if I could say my piece and was told, "no, your opinion means nothing to me so you can just shut up". *
> 
> LoL to the bolded -- I'd be curious to see what his reaction would be to that!


I can't even!:surprise: I hope your dad has grown up some in the past decade or so. No parent has a right to talk to a child in that manner. It certainly doesn't command respect.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I agree with your thoughts on this too. I overshare, always in hopes that they'll someday accept me. My sister (who lives 5 hours away) doesn't do this, and tends to get along with them a little better these days. She's suggested I cut down the sharing of info, but it's hard when I get questioned, and I'm a terrible liar. I seriously couldn't pull the wool over a sheep's eyes. But yes, when she gives unwarranted advice, thanking her and telling her I'll consider it is a good idea. Feed her the kibbles of being needed, and I'm off the hook. I like that idea!


If you keep thanking her for advice you don't want, you'll continue to get it. That doesn't sound like being off the hook to me, it sounds like being walked over.

Maybe the problem is she really doesn't know when she's bugging you. 

It would be great if everyone could read our minds and did what we wanted, but often you have to let people know what you don't like, and some of them you have to insist they respect it or it's going to mess up the relationship. 

I try to signal how much I appreciate the advice I get, and the same with inquiries. I don't feel the need to pull the wool over anyone's eyes, I just try to let them know if they're pushing the boundaries or not. As with all things, only be as tactless as you need to be. If you can get them to back off w/ "I don't want to discuss that" in a nice tone, do that. If they keep coming back to it or get hostile, you have to ratchet it up. 

If you do try to establish stuff like this and they don't respect it, in a calm moment tell her that it's a stumbling block in your relationship.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ursula has to create a new relationship with her parents. It will take time to train them. The new relationship can be kind and loving or adversarial. She can walk softly knowing she carries a big stick or she can be unyielding with every interaction.

Maybe, she will eventually need to get in their faces; but, she can try the softer route first. Her mom may be domineering and a force to be reckoned with - but, she loves her daughter. It might not hurt Ursula to emulate some of her mom's traits when dealing with her.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Don't wish to be born, you have of that.
Wish to live, you have too little of that.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Once born, you plopped out, taking your own form.
When still little, you continued to suckle from your mother.

At some point, the mother misses the suckling that has abandoned her.

Give this old mother a grandchild.
At this point, her attention will shift from you to this infant as her new suckling.

Mothers never stop being those milk maids.
A mothers breasts remind her of her born duties every moment she looks down at them.
Looks down at them and reminisces.


Lilith-


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You're a good daughter, it sure sounds like it. 👍🙂🙂

In any family, as children grow and have their own lives, it can be hard for all to get that key part, "own lives".

Every family has to cross that sometimes rocky bridge, to each gain a little space.

And that space is necessary to have best relations over the ling term.

It is going to be up to you to be the leader in this with your parents it sounds like. And that's ok, it's normal.

Perhaps follow some of the great advice in above posts. 

Always be kind and polite. They'll go through an adjustment period, again, normal. 

You can do it 🙂🙂


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Once born, you plopped out, taking your own form.
> When still little, you continued to suckle from your mother.
> 
> At some point, the mother misses the suckling that has abandoned her.
> ...


I may be misunderstanding this...but...........

Any child has enough to cope with in life without being born as a way to get someone else's mother off their back.

Marriage was the price my father paid for me.

I was the price my mother paid for a stable home for herself and her young daughter. She did her best to cater for my needs - but she didn't, couldn't, feel for me the way she felt for my younger siblings. They were hers - I was notionally my father's but, in reality, my paternal grandparents'.

I knew - from an early age.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

cp3o said:


> I may be misunderstanding this...but...........
> 
> Any child has enough to cope with in life without being born as a way to get someone else's mother off their back.
> 
> ...


Aye!

I see life through the eyes of some breasted mother.
You see life as the sacrificial lamb, one bled, one sheared, but not one spiritually fed.

Love of yourself. :smile2:

Love of life. 
Why? 
You have survived. :grin2:

There can be no greater gift than life, and no greater loss, than not ever owning one.

With life you have eyes and a heart.
With no life, you have nothing.


Lilith-

The Typist I- I helped her draft this.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I want to see Ursula with a big belly.

A belly holding a new life, a life that takes her mind off of her own worries.

She is ever worrying about men and being alone.
With a child she will never be that person, the child will always occupy her thoughts.

Men can fill your pastimes and your fluff box, but never your ever-waking moments.
A child can do this, ah, for as long as air enters your mouth.



Lilith-


----------



## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You see life as the sacrificial lamb, one bled, one sheared, but not one spiritually fed.


 I don't pretend to understand many of your posts - but this, taken literally, is sheer arrant twaddle


> Love of yourself. :smile2:


 I live life knowing that the only person who has to be with me 24/7 is me. I try to ensure that the way I live my life means that I am content with my own company - not perfect of course - but as "good" as I can be. If, and only if, you interpret that as love of yourself - you are correct.


> Love of life.
> Why?
> You have survived. :grin2:
> 
> There can be no greater gift than life, and no greater loss, than not ever owning one.


 False.

Life is not a gift - it is an imposition. 

Not necessarily a bad imposition but to be a gift it has to be acceptable/refusable.


> With life you have eyes and a heart.
> With no life, you have nothing.


 I suspect you're trying to be mystical again - on any other level it is so over simplistic as to be risible.


> Lilith-
> 
> The Typist I- I helped her draft this.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I want to see Ursula with a big belly.
> 
> A belly holding a new life, a life that takes her mind off of her own worries.
> 
> ...


I’d like to see me with a pregnant belly too, but unfortunately, I’m getting past my prime for that, and that along with my genes doesn’t bode well for a pregnancy. And to boot, my BF has had a vasectomy.

And a baby wouldn’t take my mind off the worries of getting along with my folks. If I had a baby, I could rest assured that I would be told how to raise that baby. But yes, I would be more occupied. However, I’m not worried about men or being alone anymore, as I’ve found the best man in the world, and even though we’re going through some difficulties with his youngest, we’re strong enough to get through this. And if we don’t make it, we don’t make it. At least I will know that there are decent men out there who will treat their woman like gold.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I had a little chat with my Mom the other day again, and boy is this a challenge to deal with.

Conversation #1 went something like this:
Mom: I told your Dad that him and I have to be on our best behaviour during Christmas:
Me: Actually, I think it’s a good idea if we all are on our best behaviour

Conversation continued on and I mentioned to my Mom that Dad also needs to stop saying things like “I hope we die in a car accident on the way home”, or “I hope the plane goes down and we die”. I got yelled at and told that he’s never said anyhing like that. But, just because she missed hearing it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

Called my sister who told me to stop bring up crap like that, which I agreed with. I guess I keep on because I hope that someday they’ll realize that their actions and words carry weight. I’m deluding myself though. I felt badly for bringing it up, so I called back:

Conversation #2:
Me: I just wanted to apologize for bringing that up earlier; I shouldn’t have
Mom: Oh that’s okay, Ursula
Me: ** started to say something, then got cut off because my Mom doesn’t like it when I share feelings **
Mom: Oh Ursula, you just need to stop
Me: Can I please have permission to say something?
Mom: Fine. Hurry up.
Me: You guys are great parents, and you’ve done a lot of good and have given a lot of help which has always been greatly appreciated. However, you’ve also done some bad too. We’re all human and we all make mistakes; we need to own those mistakes.
Mom: I’m really sorry for anything that I’ve ever done to hurt you
Me: ** I totally broke down sobbing on the phone **

Mom was super-dooper confused about my reaction, and was probably more confused when I said between sobs that that was the best Christmas gift she could ever give me. And, I thanked her. I realize that she still has no clue about anything, and she never will, but her apology sounded fairly genuine (for her), and it really hit me. She said that she’s really glad that I feel better, but there was chill to her voice. I really hope that we can all make it through Christmas unscathed, and that maybe we can all start getting along a little better. I’m still done trying to fix things because I know that’s impossible without cooperation from the other team, but I will still be polite and respectful to them, and am now done bringing up things to them because they don’t remember the things that they say/do, so it’s pointless and only brings about frustration for everyone. But for the first time in a month, my chest doesn’t hurt. My BF, who has had a heart attack, has been ready to break out the nitroglycerin for awhile now!


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You are such a sweetheart. So tender and empathetic and sensitive. You wear your heart on your sleeve (like me). I'm glad you feel better now.

Terrible news, though about your bf. I hope he will be okay.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> You are such a sweetheart. So tender and empathetic and sensitive. You wear your heart on your sleeve (like me). I'm glad you feel better now.
> 
> *Terrible news, though about your bf. I hope he will be okay.*


Aw, thank-you, and yeah, I wear my heart on my sleeve. He's doing well now, thanks! His heart attack was nearly 3 years ago. I didn't know him back then, but he's changed things around, eats really healthy and works out. I'm dreading March though when he's taken off a medication, as the risk of having another heart attack in those following few days goes up a lot. I've told him that I'm moving in for the week so he has someone with him!


----------

