# Should the kids know?



## Polyman

Looks like my wife and I are headed there. We have talked about staying in the same house though and continue being active in our childrens lives. We have 4. Do you think we should hide the fact that we are divorced while living/sharing the same home or informing the children and let them adjust accordingly? Remember, they would still be dealing with Mommy and daddyfor kids and family related stuff.


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## NelsonTrouble

It seems that although you would still be living in the same house you would no longer be living as husband and wife. Depending on how long this situation lasts it would seem unfair to your children to raise them with the thought that you and your ex were living as loving, married partners live. We all tend to grow up and reflect many traits that we were exposed to as normal everyday behavior as children. It only seems right to want your children to understand the difference between what the dynamic of the relationship between the two of you is vs. a marriage. 

Just some food for thought.


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## angelpixie

I agree with NelsonTrouble. Eventually, one of the two of you is going to want to start dating. If the kids still think you are married, well, you can imagine how that's going to mess with their heads.


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## Polyman

My sentiments exactly. Hers are the opposite. And then I was accused of being that type and wanting to dramatize the divorce and create an emotional reaction from them.


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## not.a.fool

Absolutely not, if your intentions are divorce, then do just that, people who REALLY want a divorce do not live together, they usually want as far away from the other as possible and if one of the 2 of you are hurting over this, it just drags out the grieving process. I would suggest moving out and being honest with your children, they deserve that much from their parents. Also, if you and your spouse continued to live together, eventually your children would hear arguments and phone conversations that will make them uncomfortable and confused.


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## EleGirl

I don't get how being divorced and living in the same house will help any.

Can you elaborate on this?


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## Shooboomafoo

My ex ran upstairs in the heat of a discussion re: getting a divorce and told my kid that it was happening. Guess that settled that.


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## not.a.fool

that was relatively immature, wasn't it? I think it's good that it's been said, but it should have been the both of you revealing the news, one sided story telling always seems to result in the child picking a parents' side.


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## Shooboomafoo

Such was the nature of the marriage. A child raising a child.


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## Polyman

EleGirl said:


> I don't get how being divorced and living in the same house will help any.
> 
> Can you elaborate on this?


Hey EleGirl. Because we have 4 children and she homeschools them all and we actually have a solid family structure. And friendship apart from the marriage mess so to speak. I also can't afford it right now living seperatly and providing for my kids and all that mess. It's a viable option. But she says to not tell the kids of divorce, even though I don't even sleep in the bedroom anymore. We won't be lovey dovey like we used to be, etc. I say we tell the kids, and still do some family oriented things for a while for sake of kids and while sharing this space. I say withholding it from them can possibly make them feel deceived and cause other problems. Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie

I totally agree with this. Kids are learning how to interact with the rest of the world while by the way they interact at home. If they don't develop a solid base of trust, they will carry that into future relationships. I'd also wonder how this will make them view marriage/divorce. If you can live together as married or divorced, why make that commitment? Things like that. They're watching and learning from what they see their parents do.


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## Polyman

angelpixie said:


> I totally agree with this. Kids are learning how to interact with the rest of the world while by the way they interact at home. If they don't develop a solid base of trust, they will carry that into future relationships. I'd also wonder how this will make them view marriage/divorce. If you can live together as married or divorced, why make that commitment? Things like that. They're watching and learning from what they see their parents do.


Sorry but I'm wondering which part of the argument you agree with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie

Ha ha!! Sorry -- I forget people can't read my mind, lol. I agree with you that withholding the info can make them feel deceived and cause future trust issues.


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## Freak On a Leash

I would just stay married until you are actually ready to make the break and get divorced. Lots of people stay together for the sake of their children but it's rather unusual to get divorced and live together pretending like nothing has happended. What's the point? :scratchhead:


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## not.a.fool

I think it's insane to stay together in the same house after divorce unless of course, neither want it. However, I also think that it's insane to stay together for the children, everyone only lives once and granted you want to have a "happy childhood" memory implanted into your kids head, but if the "happy" is lie, then it's going to be very disturbing for them when they find out all they have grown to know...has been a lie.


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## mrstj4sho88

not.a.fool said:


> that was relatively immature, wasn't it? I think it's good that it's been said, but it should have been the both of you revealing the news, one sided story telling always seems to result in the child picking a parents' side.


*That was mean and hurtful to the child. Both of you should have told the children. When a parent blindside a child with negative information it is very childish. Plus most kids don't want to hear nothing about moma and daddy divorcing. What that poor child must be thinking now.*


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## Freak On a Leash

not.a.fool said:


> I think it's insane to stay together in the same house after divorce unless of course, neither want it. However, I also think that it's insane to stay together for the children, everyone only lives once and granted you want to have a "happy childhood" memory implanted into your kids head, but if the "happy" is lie, then it's going to be very disturbing for them when they find out all they have grown to know...has been a lie.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: My kids are a LOT happier since my STBXH and me separated. The atmosphere in our house was horrible in our home when we all lived together. Staying together for the kids and being miserable is NOT a solution. Better to be apart, divorced and sane. 

When I was growing up my parents fought all the time. I used to wake up every Sunday listening to them scream and curse at each other. When my father did leave one summer (he eventually moved back in) I was glad because finally we had some peace and quiet. 

It's a horrible way for kids to grow up. 

By the time my H and I split up the kids were relieved. By the time we I decided to divorce my husband neither of them were suprised. My 18 year old daughter said "it's about time, you should've done it 2 years ago." I agreed with her. She came with me to file the papers and then I took her out to lunch. 

My 15 year old son is more neutral. He's glad that my H and I get along well enough. I don't pull any crap though like trying to keep my son from his father, if anything I encourage them to get together now that my H is sober and in AA. I think it's important that parents get along for the sake of the children but they shouldn't stay together because of them.


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## EleGirl

Polyman said:


> Hey EleGirl. Because we have 4 children and she homeschools them all and we actually have a solid family structure. And friendship apart from the marriage mess so to speak. I also can't afford it right now living seperatly and providing for my kids and all that mess. It's a viable option. But she says to not tell the kids of divorce, even though I don't even sleep in the bedroom anymore. We won't be lovey dovey like we used to be, etc. I say we tell the kids, and still do some family oriented things for a while for sake of kids and while sharing this space. I say withholding it from them can possibly make them feel deceived and cause other problems. Thoughts?


Polyman, you seem to have missed my point. I get the mechanics of what is being suggested. I don't get what is in this for you. How do you benefit from it. 

To me she is the only one here who benefits and she does not get to experience the hard times that divorce will bring to her if she had to get a job and take more care of herself. Instead she will get most of the freedom of being divorced with benefits like you supporting her, a house, she can be a SAHM adn home school, etc. 

Things only get worse for you.

My suggestion is that you tell her that the only way you will accept divorce is if you two live in different houses. Tell her that the children will not be enrolled in public school so that she can go get a full time job to support herself.

Then once she has an income you two can divorce. This way your financial burden will be significantly reduced.


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## Dedicated2Her

Polyman said:


> My sentiments exactly. Hers are the opposite. And then I was accused of being that type and wanting to dramatize the divorce and create an emotional reaction from them.


Manipulation and control on her part. She isn't playing fair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

EleGirl said:


> To me she is the only one here who benefits and she does not get to experience the hard times that divorce will bring to her if she had to get a job and take more care of herself. Instead she will get most of the freedom of being divorced with benefits like you supporting her, a house, she can be a SAHM adn home school, etc.
> 
> Things only get worse for you.
> 
> My suggestion is that you tell her that the only way you will accept divorce is if you two live in different houses. Tell her that the children will not be enrolled in public school so that she can go get a full time job to support herself.
> 
> Then once she has an income you two can divorce. This way your financial burden will be significantly reduced.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

In the meantime, if you can move out and get even a room where you can stay give it some thought. I understand how money can be tight though..

4 kids.. I'd move into a room alright..it would be padded, complete with strait jacket.


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## Dedicated2Her

Polyman,


I have 4 kids. I moved out. We did the in house separation for 1.8 years. I'm telling you right now. LEAVE. Money may be tight. My ex is a SAHM, but that is her problem. It is better for me to pay the child support and move on than deal with that garbage. My ex homeschools too. It is wearing on her, and she is miserable. What do you do with the defiant? You give them what they want. Here is your divorce. Goodbye.

Trust me, do not stay in this senario. Get out of there. Your STBX is manipulating you to get what she wants. My ex is struggling, but it was her decision. I am not. I can control my expenses, etc. DO NOT STAY. PERIOD.

Your kids need to see a strong man in their life. These are the actions of a strong man. My kids respect me for my actions since I moved out. You can do this.


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## Polyman

Dedicated2Her said:


> Polyman,
> 
> 
> I have 4 kids. I moved out. We did the in house separation for 1.8 years. I'm telling you right now. LEAVE. Money may be tight. My ex is a SAHM, but that is her problem. It is better for me to pay the child support and move on than deal with that garbage. My ex homeschools too. It is wearing on her, and she is miserable. What do you do with the defiant? You give them what they want. Here is your divorce. Goodbye.
> 
> Trust me, do not stay in this senario. Get out of there. Your STBX is manipulating you to get what she wants. My ex is struggling, but it was her decision. I am not. I can control my expenses, etc. DO NOT STAY. PERIOD.
> 
> Your kids need to see a strong man in their life. These are the actions of a strong man. My kids respect me for my actions since I moved out. You can do this.


Wow! You are correct. This is exactly the scenario and how it is playing out. The manipulation and control is so subtle too but very embedded in how she deals unfortunately. I think I will stay for the first few months while I strategize and plan new living arrangements on my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

> Wow! You are correct. This is exactly the scenario and how it is playing out. The manipulation and control is so subtle too but very embedded in how she deals unfortunately. I think I will stay for the first few months while I strategize and plan new living arrangements on my own.


Yes. My ex still will try to manipulate, but it has taken me getting out of the situation to have complete vision on it. It will be hard, but I have more money today than I ever had in our marriage. I got into some very intesive faith based therapy, and I am so happy that I got out of the situation. Most likely, your wife doesn't really want a divorce. Mine has internal issues that have nothing to do with me. She will come to a place where she realizes what it is going to take to be a single mom. When she does, she might try to get you to come back. You will have to say, "honey, just because you need me doesn't mean you love me." AND, STAND YOUR GROUND. She will have to earn back your trust over time, and the truth always shows itself out over time.

I even brought her and the kids to see my new apartment when I moved out. I made it like a really fun thing. It actually was pretty awesome.


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## Dedicated2Her

Oh, and one more thing, find out what your child support is going to be, separate your finances, immediately. Have your check go into your new account, and pay her child support each month just like you would if you were out already. She needs to feel the finality of it in stages.


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## EnjoliWoman

It's not healthy to lie to your kids. They will eventually find out you've been deceiving them and will be angry and distrustful of you after that.

It's better to live close to each other and let the kids have a primary residence but the freedom to visit parents as often as they'd like.


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## Polyman

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yes. My ex still will try to manipulate, but it has taken me getting out of the situation to have complete vision on it. It will be hard, but I have more money today than I ever had in our marriage. I got into some very intesive faith based therapy, and I am so happy that I got out of the situation. Most likely, your wife doesn't really want a divorce. Mine has internal issues that have nothing to do with me. She will come to a place where she realizes what it is going to take to be a single mom. When she does, she might try to get you to come back. You will have to say, "honey, just because you need me doesn't mean you love me." AND, STAND YOUR GROUND. She will have to earn back your trust over time, and the truth always shows itself out over time.
> 
> I even brought her and the kids to see my new apartment when I moved out. I made it like a really fun thing. It actually was pretty awesome.


Yup. Our situation eerily similar. I know she has some internal issues too, and though I'm nit perfect, she divert attention toward my shortcomings often when I attempt to help her with hers. I don't make a lot of money right. It had always been " cheaper to keep her" I felt. But we ate now basically going through the divorce with as little legal/intervention as possible hopefully. I have some creative plans to help earn more income along with my full time job. But might take a few months at least.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Polyman

Polyman said:


> Yup. Our situation eerily similar. I know she has some internal issues too, and though I'm nit perfect, she divert attention toward my shortcomings often when I attempt to help her with hers. I don't make a lot of money right. It had always been " cheaper to keep her" I felt. But we ate now basically going through the divorce with as little legal/intervention as possible hopefully. I have some creative plans to help earn more income along with my full time job. But might take a few months at least.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Typos by iPhone...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

> Yup. Our situation eerily similar. I know she has some internal issues too, and though I'm nit perfect, she divert attention toward my shortcomings often when I attempt to help her with hers. I don't make a lot of money right. It had always been " cheaper to keep her" I felt. But we ate now basically going through the divorce with as little legal/intervention as possible hopefully. I have some creative plans to help earn more income along with my full time job. But might take a few months at least.


1. Stop all contact about the relationship and her issues. This is your time to work on you. 2. If you don't make a lot of money, fine, your child support won't be that bad. 3. I understand about going through the divorce with little legal intervention. I did it all by myself. 4. You can always find way to make money. I know. 5. Why is it going to take so long? 6. It took me 45 days to be out of the house once I made the decision. A small deposit because of my credit. Separate finances, give her cs, and save the rest for your first month of rent. 

You don't realize how the situation is affecting you mentally or emotionally until you get out of it. You can't be the father or the man you need to be while walking on eggshells in your own home.


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## Polyman

Dedicated2Her said:


> 1. Stop all contact about the relationship and her issues. This is your time to work on you. 2. If you don't make a lot of money, fine, your child support won't be that bad. 3. I understand about going through the divorce with little legal intervention. I did it all by myself. 4. You can always find way to make money. I know. 5. Why is it going to take so long? 6. It took me 45 days to be out of the house once I made the decision. A small deposit because of my credit. Separate finances, give her cs, and save the rest for your first month of rent.
> 
> You don't realize how the situation is affecting you mentally or emotionally until you get out of it. You can't be the father or the man you need to be while walking on eggshells in your own home.


Man...you must be psycic...lol. Eggshells...exactly! I really appreciate your input and insight. We do follow a faith based way of dealing with marriage and divorce. 3 months for divorce to be completed and final. Just a few quick bullet points about the situation. Been married 14 years and 4 children including my stepdaughter who I have helped raise s
Since she was an infant. Wife and I were co workers and friends before marrying. She was like my first real love I guess. In the public, we are like a model couple and family. People always giving compliments. Some incompatibities have always been there, but our issue seemed to escalate after a mild EA with her first love that she started being in contact with out of state. Got more but fingers tired right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NelsonTrouble

Sometimes I try to think about how I felt when things happened in my home as a child. Sometimes the adults in the situation don't think anything of a choice or situation because to them it was their decision or they logically have it worked out. As a kid in a negative home life I know that I was confused by my parents choices with each other and with us and angry that they never seemed to care how I felt about it or how things effected me. 

I believe being open and honest and looking at what is best for your children individually is always the best route to take when making a choice or decision that will surely effect them.


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## Polyman

Dedicated2Her said:


> Yes. My ex still will try to manipulate, but it has taken me getting out of the situation to have complete vision on it. It will be hard, but I have more money today than I ever had in our marriage. I got into some very intesive faith based therapy, and I am so happy that I got out of the situation. Most likely, your wife doesn't really want a divorce. Mine has internal issues that have nothing to do with me. She will come to a place where she realizes what it is going to take to be a single mom. When she does, she might try to get you to come back. You will have to say, "honey, just because you need me doesn't mean you love me." AND, STAND YOUR GROUND. She will have to earn back your trust over time, and the truth always shows itself out over time.
> 
> I even brought her and the kids to see my new apartment when I moved out. I made it like a really fun thing. It actually was pretty awesome.


Swwwwweeeeet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Polyman

The thing is that I love this woman and probably loved her too damn much. There is a part of us that are perfect together. But another part that is kinda toxic. There are some issues from her childhood that I truly believe has contributed to maybe a personality disorder. 2 years ago, I found a book called "Emotional Vampires". This finally helped open my eyes to what I might be dealing with. But she claims its simply being a woman and that I can't handle any negativity that comes with a woman. It's not extreme as it could be in her, but I feel like its enogh and it drains me. Bad PMS is also an issue. But I have also discovered that my beta, nice guy ways have also caused me a lot of these issues and problems too. Not a good mix.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

Watch yourself when picking up books such as "emotional vampires". My ex claimed I was an emotional vampire at the beginning of all of our crap. Focus on you. She is irrelevant. Reading books like that will cause you to blameshift. Its not about what you are dealing with in regards to her. Clean up your side of the street so to speak. Then, when it comes time for your next relationship whether it be with her or someone else, you will be ready.


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## Freak On a Leash

Dedicated2Her said:


> Oh, and one more thing, find out what your child support is going to be, separate your finances, immediately. Have your check go into your new account, and pay her child support each month just like you would if you were out already. She needs to feel the finality of it in stages.


:iagree: :iagree: You'll want to keep your finances separate ASAP. Close out any joint accounts, pay off and cancel any joint credit cards. Pay off any loans that are in both your name. Believe me, if she starts running up any debt that has your name on it you don't want to be part of it. 

Plus it sends the right message. Good luck!


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## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> It's better to live close to each other and let the kids have a primary residence but the freedom to visit parents as often as they'd like.


That's what my STBXH and I do with my son. It worked out very well so far. 

Except for the part where I let my son actually move in with his father. Not good.  Not only did it not turn out well but now my STBX is using it as an example of what a bad mother I was to our son! 

"He ran away from you to live with me.."

"Yeah, and you were too drunk to take care of him properly" 

I'll be SO glad when the papers are signed but unfortunately I will still have to deal with him. The bad part about having kids is you never get rid of the other parent.


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## Polyman

So after a mild EA with first love, begging me to divorce her, claiming I make her feel unprotected and at times unloved, and that I can't handle her bad PMS, she is claiming that I am not fighting for her or to win her back and whatever. But the control and mental manipulative tactics I feel can be unbearable sometimes. Really stagnating me and kind of crippling me to do the things she claims she wants me to do. It's just draining! On one hand, she wants the divorce to go through, and then other times she saying we don't have to do this. I fear being back in the same situation if I stay. Especially since recently her hostile ways are going from verbal to potentially physical, ie. trying to fight, picking up things like about to throw it. But also such a good mother and full of love other times. Any thought, advice???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

Polyman said:


> So after a mild EA with first love, begging me to divorce her, claiming I make her feel unprotected and at times unloved, and that I can't handle her bad PMS, she is claiming that I am not fighting for her or to win her back and whatever. But the control and mental manipulative tactics I feel can be unbearable sometimes. Really stagnating me and kind of crippling me to do the things she claims she wants me to do. It's just draining! On one hand, she wants the divorce to go through, and then other times she saying we don't have to do this. I fear being back in the same situation if I stay. Especially since recently her hostile ways are going from verbal to potentially physical, ie. trying to fight, picking up things like about to throw it. But also such a good mother and full of love other times. Any thought, advice???
> [I
> 
> Are you guys in counseling? A good therapist would call her out on this. She's got it bad, dude. Manipulate to get what she wants. You are the puppet. She is the puppeteer. You have a long road ahead of you, my friend. Don't listen to her. Start working on you. Become a better dad, treat her correctly and with respect, work on your side of things and what are your baggage items. Either she stops the blame game or doesn't.......


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## Freak On a Leash

Polyman, pack your bags and get out. She's totally screwed up.


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## Polyman

Freak On a Leash said:


> Polyman, pack your bags and get out. She's totally screwed up.


Why do you that? Just want your particular perspective.


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## Polyman

Dedicated2Her said:


> Polyman said:
> 
> 
> 
> So after a mild EA with first love, begging me to divorce her, claiming I make her feel unprotected and at times unloved, and that I can't handle her bad PMS, she is claiming that I am not fighting for her or to win her back and whatever. But the control and mental manipulative tactics I feel can be unbearable sometimes. Really stagnating me and kind of crippling me to do the things she claims she wants me to do. It's just draining! On one hand, she wants the divorce to go through, and then other times she saying we don't have to do this. I fear being back in the same situation if I stay. Especially since recently her hostile ways are going from verbal to potentially physical, ie. trying to fight, picking up things like about to throw it. But also such a good mother and full of love other times. Any thought, advice???
> [I
> 
> Are you guys in counseling? A good therapist would call her out on this. She's got it bad, dude. Manipulate to get what she wants. You are the puppet.  She is the puppeteer. You have a long road ahead of you, my friend. Don't listen to her. Start working on you. Become a better dad, treat her correctly and with respect, work on your side of things and what are your baggage items. Either she stops the blame game or doesn't.......
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> We were going for about 3-4 sessions, but havent been since before Xmas. I am going to make an appointment today, because we still had not gotten into these issues i am talking about right now.
Click to expand...


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## Freak On a Leash

Polyman said:


> Just want your particular perspective.


You said it all..In your own words:



Polyman said:


> So after a mild EA with first love, begging me to divorce her, claiming I make her feel unprotected and at times unloved, and that I can't handle her bad PMS, she is claiming that I am not fighting for her or to win her back and whatever.
> 
> But the control and mental manipulative tactics I feel can be unbearable sometimes. Really stagnating me and kind of crippling me to do the things she claims she wants me to do. It's just draining!
> 
> On one hand, she wants the divorce to go through, and then other times she saying we don't have to do this. I fear being back in the same situation if I stay. Especially since recently her hostile ways are going from verbal to potentially physical, ie. trying to fight, picking up things like about to throw it.


Why do you want to stay with such a nutcase? Is there really a point in doing so? :scratchhead:


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## Dedicated2Her

Polyman said:


> Dedicated2Her said:
> 
> 
> 
> We were going for about 3-4 sessions, but havent been since before Xmas. I am going to make an appointment today, because we still had not gotten into these issues i am talking about right now.
> 
> 
> 
> Polyman, let me give you my perspective. Your wife will not learn what she needs to learn with you in the house. My ex is being broken right now. It has taken about 9 months of me being out of the house, but she is now miserable. As long as you are there, you are to blame and you will be for a while. My comment to my ex last week, "I haven't been at home since last April. Stop blaming me for your own problems. Its your decision, your actions, stop it.". She sat there and stared at me. She looked down and said, "I'm sorry.". The best thing you can do is go to therapy for yourself. You will be surprised at how beat down you have gotten being married to such a manipulator.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
Click to expand...


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## Dedicated2Her

In fact, I'm willing to bet she also has used your sex life to get things she wanted in your marriage. Mine did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Polyman

Dedicated2Her said:


> In fact, I'm willing to bet she also has used your sex life to get things she wanted in your marriage. Mine did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry I'm just now responding to this. Yes she did a little bit , but only recently. Really in a rut right now. So this separation, path to divorce is really weighing on her right now. Me too I guess. She has been reading and discovering all these things that she feels bad about being. Plus, we have 4 kids and the post divorce situation just seems like its more problems. We are seeing our MC next week. We still get along well at times. Both thinking, have we done enough to stay. We were going out one night to sit down at Starbucks and talk about divorce plans. We get in the cat and a radio show was on about saving your marriage. Exposed a lot of issues we are dealing with. It's kind of confusing. Anyone famiar with "no more Mr nice guy" book? That had been me.
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## 2galsmom

.


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## not.a.fool

I would run like the wind, it's sounding a lot like you get quite the breeze of HOT AIR...just let her go, begin again..new page, new smiles.


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