# Hi! New and looking for support



## misschris85

Hello. I apologize if this is somewhat of a long thread.

Just a little background info about me. My divorce was finalized in October of last year. We were together for 12 years (5 of those years we were married). He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. The last 3 years of our relationship was a struggle and I did go to counseling the last 2. We tried couples counseling but he was not keen on the process. We had a lot of issues, we were struggling financial because he had not worked in over 2 years and I was sole bread winner. We also had intimacy issues and we were just 2 different people. Sure we had our similarities but there were also a lot of things that we were polar opposites on.

Long story short. I ultimately made the decision to file for divorce. Here I am 10 months later and I'm still struggling with the failure of my marriage. Yes, I am more financially stable and feel secure in that sense. However, I continue to feel sad about the end of my marriage and the loss of a relationship. 

I did try to date a little bit but with Covid, it was definitely challenging. I was able to "date" a little bit mostly through text and video calls but have since ended that. I'm honestly terrified of dating because I have never dated anyone prior to my ex husband. I'm 35 years old and I feel as if the world has changed and I'm not sure what to do. There are definitely some insecurities (like being too old, not as trim as I was in my 20s and that I have baggage) that I have with dating. I honestly don't think I know how to date.

I definitely have my good and bad days. On the bad days I am worried about ending up alone. I miss the intimacy (not necessarily sex) of being with someone, cuddling on the couch, kissing, having someone sleeping beside me. I feel like by now I should feel fine and not have these bad days. I also really want to have children and definitely feel like time is running out. The first time I went out on a date was with my ex (I started dating him at 22). So, who knows how long it's going to take me to be in a good relationship.

I am currently still going to counseling and she suggested that I find a support group so I can talk to other people who have been through or are currently going through what I'm going through.

How do I be okay with not being okay? When will the day come when I won't have these bad days? How do I go about dating? 

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and for any advice you may have for me.


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## SunCMars

You are very young compared to many members of this blog.

Who does not value intimacy?
Few.

You said you do not miss sex (so much).
At your age that will be seen as a negative for many possible suitors.

I agree, this Wuhan bat virus has us all down in the dumps and off our normal stride and game.

You have plenty of time to find a decent man, but you must be active in doing so.
Not so much now, because of the social restrictions.

Next year this health scare will ebb-away quite a bit.

The one downside that I see is your wanting children.
At thirty five, that is a serious concern. You have, _maybe_ five years to easily and safely bring a little one to life.

That said, don't grab the next nice guy by the ears and get yourself pregnant.
You already know that!!

....................................................................
Are you depressed?

If so, find ways to..... not be.
Intense exercise, speed walking, fast bike riding, monster dog walking.

The thing about excess weight is that it can be rid of, by diet and exercise.

Join clubs with others in your area. Others will soon suggest a few that bring like-minded people together.

.Avoid medications if you can. The side effects often exacerbate passiveness and some block out that......desire for intimacy.
Nervousness should be chosen over a flat-lined vista.
.....................................................................


_Lilith-_


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## misschris85

SunCMars said:


> You are very young compared to many members of this blog.
> 
> Who does not value intimacy?
> Few.
> 
> You said you do not miss sex (so much).
> At your age that will be seen as a negative for many possible suitors.
> 
> I agree, this Wuhan bat virus has us all down in the dumps and off our normal stride and game.
> 
> You have plenty of time to find a decent man, but you must be active in doing so.
> Not so much now, because of the social restrictions.
> 
> Next year this health scare will ebb-away quite a bit.
> 
> The one downside that I see is your wanting children.
> At thirty five, that is a serious concern. You have, _maybe_ five years to easily and safely bring a little one to life.
> 
> That said, don't grab the next nice guy by the ears and get yourself pregnant.
> You already know that!!
> 
> ....................................................................
> Are you depressed?
> 
> If so, find ways to..... not be.
> Intense exercise, speed walking, fast bike riding, monster dog walking.
> 
> The thing about excess weight is that it can be rid of, by diet and exercise.
> 
> Join clubs with others in your area. Others will soon suggest a few that bring like-minded people together.
> 
> .Avoid medications if you can. The side effects often exacerbate passiveness and some block out that......desire for intimacy.
> Nervousness should be chosen over a flat-lined vista.
> .....................................................................
> 
> 
> _Lilith-_


Thank you for the response. Yes, I do not have a very high sex drive and that does concern me (especially with the trying to have children) that guys will not be as interested in me due to that. When my ex and I were together, there was a period where we did try to conceive and had fertility issues. So that is also another concern for me. 

I do hope that when covid gets better, I’ll have the opportunity to experience dating. I’m also trying to not rush into any relationship (at least that’s what I tell myself I will be doing) and to enjoy the process of dating around (no matter how nervous I get). 

I would not consider myself depressed. I have sad moments but do not find it debilitating or need to be medicated. 

Truly am hoping that once covid is under control I can be social again and do some of the social activities I enjoy.


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## TXTrini

Hi misschris85, I divorced recently after nearly 20 yrs with my and and I was honestly scared ****less after reading about people's experiences with online dating. Im not as trim as I was at 20, and was very self conscious about it, but men are just as self conscious about their looks too in our age group. If they're dating you, they're fine with you as you are! 

You mentioned your ex was your first everything, so it's understandable you're having sad moments, you will occasionally. I've found my sad moments are bc I'm grieving for the dream of what I always wanted, not my ex. I have a bf now and I'm still adjusting, so I suppose it will keep happening until it doesn't. I know that's not a "real answer", everyone grieves and heals in their own time. 

You said you miss intimacy, but not sex, are you sure you're really low drive or were you low drive because your ex didn't do it for you? Your description didn't exactly paint a desirably picture of manliness, it's possible real chemistry with a man will make you want sex. If you want the traditional meet/marry/have kids model, sex is going to be important to maintain that relationship unless you also find a low drive man.

Some questions to consider...
Do you want children bc of societal expectations or bc you really want them?
Must your future children be natural born, or are you open to other options?
Are you dating bc you want a partner or bc you want the traditional model of family?
Do you want children badly enough to have/adopt etc on your own?

This forum is littered with stories of men who feel used by women for children and support after having their needs neglected when children came along. I'm not trying to make you feel badly about what you want, just keep in mind it's not all about what you want. I know its scary now, but you will be happy again one day, even if you don't have everything you want in the way you thought it would happen.


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## Diana7

10 months isnt long to be honest, and of course you are sad, you are grieving. 
I married my first husband at age 19, and the marriage ended when I was in my early 40's. It was a full 4 years before I felt emotionally ready to date again, and as you say things have changed. I went down the internet dating route because I wanted a Christian husband and in the UK there are very few available Christian men around. It was ok, I had ups and downs with it, but after 2 years I did meet my now husband and we married in our late 40's. 

I would suggest that you dont jump so fast into thinking about dating again. Yes find a divorce recovery group, they are around, and maybe spend more time in doing group things to rebuild your confidence. I appreciate that you want a child, but I have several friends who had children in their 40's.


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## Girl_power

I think it sounds like your doing great. I have similar experience as you. Your divorce wasn’t that long ago, so I wouldn’t expect you to be doing amazingly. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

I hope you have a good group of friends you can stay busy with and have fun with. 

Another thing is, sometimes we think too deeply about things, and we are our own worst enemies at times. Instead of thinking about talking about your fears try to be positive and speak positive.


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## misschris85

TXTrini said:


> Hi misschris85, I divorced recently after nearly 20 yrs with my and and I was honestly scared ****less after reading about people's experiences with online dating. Im not as trim as I was at 20, and was very self conscious about it, but men are just as self conscious about their looks too in our age group. If they're dating you, they're fine with you as you are!
> 
> You mentioned your ex was your first everything, so it's understandable you're having sad moments, you will occasionally. I've found my sad moments are bc I'm grieving for the dream of what I always wanted, not my ex. I have a bf now and I'm still adjusting, so I suppose it will keep happening until it doesn't. I know that's not a "real answer", everyone grieves and heals in their own time.
> 
> You said you miss intimacy, but not sex, are you sure you're really low drive or were you low drive because your ex didn't do it for you? Your description didn't exactly paint a desirably picture of manliness, it's possible real chemistry with a man will make you want sex. If you want the traditional meet/marry/have kids model, sex is going to be important to maintain that relationship unless you also find a low drive man.
> 
> Some questions to consider...
> Do you want children bc of societal expectations or bc you really want them?
> Must your future children be natural born, or are you open to other options?
> Are you dating bc you want a partner or bc you want the traditional model of family?
> Do you want children badly enough to have/adopt etc on your own?
> 
> This forum is littered with stories of men who feel used by women for children and support after having their needs neglected when children came along. I'm not trying to make you feel badly about what you want, just keep in mind it's not all about what you want. I know its scary now, but you will be happy again one day, even if you don't have everything you want in the way you thought it would happen.



You bring up some good points. I guess me thinking that I have a low sex drive is because that’s what he used to tell me and it was in comparison with him. During the first half of our relationship, I liked sex enough (he would always initiate) but he wanted to do it more frequently than we were doing it. I sometimes initiated but he disliked the manner in which I did. He has also made comparisons between me and other women he had slept with in the past (I am definitely not his first) and how they wanted sex more often than me or were more adventurous than me. Towards the end of our relationship, it was difficult to want to have sex with him because of what was going on between us and me not seeing him as attractive. So perhaps you are right, maybe he just wasn’t the right person and I may be high drive with the right one. 

In regards to children, I have definitely given it a lot of thought. I have already decided that if having a biological child is not going to happen for me (can’t find the right partner, fertility issues, etc) that I am more than prepared to be a single parent and adopt. I would never want to just get pregnant for the sake of having a child. I would want it to be with the right partner who also wants children (biological or adopted). 

I appreciate the candidness and you are not making me feel bad. Even if you were, it is still helpful to get different perspectives so that I gain better understanding of my own thoughts and feelings.


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## TXTrini

misschris85 said:


> You bring up some good points. I guess me thinking that I have a low sex drive is because that’s what he used to tell me and it was in comparison with him. During the first half of our relationship, I liked sex enough (he would always initiate) but he wanted to do it more frequently than we were doing it. I sometimes initiated but he disliked the manner in which I did. He has also made comparisons between me and other women he had slept with in the past (I am definitely not his first) and how they wanted sex more often than me or were more adventurous than me. Towards the end of our relationship, it was difficult to want to have sex with him because of what was going on between us and me not seeing him as attractive. So perhaps you are right, maybe he just wasn’t the right person and I may be high drive with the right one.
> 
> In regards to children, I have definitely given it a lot of thought. I have already decided that if having a biological child is not going to happen for me (can’t find the right partner, fertility issues, etc) that I am more than prepared to be a single parent and adopt. I would never want to just get pregnant for the sake of having a child. I would want it to be with the right partner who also wants children (biological or adopted).
> 
> I appreciate the candidness and you are not making me feel bad. Even if you were, it is still helpful to get different perspectives so that I gain better understanding of my own thoughts and feelings.


Hi misschris85, 
I was saddened by your description of the sexual part of your marriage and your husband’s attitude. Don't paint yourself into a box with that descriptor just yet, you really don't know! Your ex sounds very insecure, inconsiderate and immature.You sound like you have a strong sense of self and the fact that you have so thoroughly examined your motivations behind your desires and your flexibility, is what makes you ready to date again. 

Many people lose themselves in longe-term, relationships, and they need time to figure out who they are and what they want, before they consider dating again. You're probably already questioning your judgement, time to rebuild trust in yourself. Just try not to get too attached to anyone if you decide to have sex, until you take their full measure and be ready to walk if they don't meet your needs. 

Which state are you in, if you don't mind me asking? I'm in TX, people are going out, of course they are attempting to social distance and wear masks,etc, but life goes on.


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## misschris85

TXTrini said:


> Hi misschris85,
> I was saddened by your description of the sexual part of your marriage and your husband’s attitude. Don't paint yourself into a box with that descriptor just yet, you really don't know! Your ex sounds very insecure, inconsiderate and immature.You sound like you have a strong sense of self and the fact that you have so thoroughly examined your motivations behind your desires and your flexibility, is what makes you ready to date again.
> 
> Many people lose themselves in longe-term, relationships, and they need time to figure out who they are and what they want, before they consider dating again. You're probably already questioning your judgement, time to rebuild trust in yourself. Just try not to get too attached to anyone if you decide to have sex, until you take their full measure and be ready to walk if they don't meet your needs.
> 
> Which state are you in, if you don't mind me asking? I'm in TX, people are going out, of course they are attempting to social distance and wear masks,etc, but life goes on.


Thanks TXTrini. 

I am definitely trying to rebuild my self confidence and to resolve the insecurities that I now have because of my past (and only, thus far) relationship. 

You hit it right on the head. I am afraid of getting attached if I do have sex especially if I don’t think I can walk away if it doesn’t work out. When I was trying to date, 2 different guys asked if they could kiss me and I declined since I was not ready for that. 

I am in Arizona but have been avoiding going out. Kind of why I stopped dating too because I am not comfortable with going out and meeting people at the moment.


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## TXTrini

misschris85 said:


> Thanks TXTrini.
> 
> I am definitely trying to rebuild my self confidence and to resolve the insecurities that I now have because of my past (and only, thus far) relationship.
> 
> You hit it right on the head. I am afraid of getting attached if I do have sex especially if I don’t think I can walk away if it doesn’t work out. When I was trying to date, 2 different guys asked if they could kiss me and I declined since I was not ready for that.
> 
> I am in Arizona but have been avoiding going out. Kind of why I stopped dating too because I am not comfortable with going out and meeting people at the moment.


You survived marriage to a man who pecked away at your self confidence with every negative comparison. You survived the divorce and the realization of the possible changes to your dream of a family. You are a survivor, dating and rebuilding your self confidence is easy in comparison! 

I never really dated when I was younger, I just sort of met my ex husbands through hobbies we enioyed and we got along well and eventually married. Anyway, I was terrified of dating, and being intimate with someone besides my ex, after so long. I know it's easier said and than done to tell you not to stress out, but when you're ready, it will come in that moment. 

It's a weird time for sure to be dating someone new, I was lucky to meet my bf before the whole lock down, but that was early in our relationship and things were still touch and go. Come check out the NEW singles of TAM 2020 thread in the Life After Divorce forum to see how all us are coping with dating and new relationships after divorce. It might make you feel better to see you're not alone in your concerns.


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## misschris85

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I’ll also look at that thread you recommended. 

I appreciate the advice and the thoughts! I have talked to friends and family but it is not the same as none of them have gone through a divorce. Breakup of a long relationship, yes, but not divorce.


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## TXTrini

misschris85 said:


> Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I’ll also look at that thread you recommended.
> 
> I appreciate the advice and the thoughts! I have talked to friends and family but it is not the same as none of them have gone through a divorce. Breakup of a long relationship, yes, but not divorce.


Anytime! Your story resonated with me, except I'm a bit older (41) and not looking to have children. My mom was divorced too, but I don't talk to her about it, she's more angry than I ever was and I'm focused on moving on. I think you'll really enjoy that thread, it's gotten really long, but definitely read through the whole thing, you'll see the evolution of some of our journeys from ground zero.


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## Girldad

misschris85 said:


> Hello. I apologize if this is somewhat of a long thread.
> 
> Just a little background info about me. My divorce was finalized in October of last year. We were together for 12 years (5 of those years we were married). He was my first boyfriend, my first everything. The last 3 years of our relationship was a struggle and I did go to counseling the last 2. We tried couples counseling but he was not keen on the process. We had a lot of issues, we were struggling financial because he had not worked in over 2 years and I was sole bread winner. We also had intimacy issues and we were just 2 different people. Sure we had our similarities but there were also a lot of things that we were polar opposites on.
> 
> Long story short. I ultimately made the decision to file for divorce. Here I am 10 months later and I'm still struggling with the failure of my marriage. Yes, I am more financially stable and feel secure in that sense. However, I continue to feel sad about the end of my marriage and the loss of a relationship.
> 
> I did try to date a little bit but with Covid, it was definitely challenging. I was able to "date" a little bit mostly through text and video calls but have since ended that. I'm honestly terrified of dating because I have never dated anyone prior to my ex husband. I'm 35 years old and I feel as if the world has changed and I'm not sure what to do. There are definitely some insecurities (like being too old, not as trim as I was in my 20s and that I have baggage) that I have with dating. I honestly don't think I know how to date.
> 
> I definitely have my good and bad days. On the bad days I am worried about ending up alone. I miss the intimacy (not necessarily sex) of being with someone, cuddling on the couch, kissing, having someone sleeping beside me. I feel like by now I should feel fine and not have these bad days. I also really want to have children and definitely feel like time is running out. The first time I went out on a date was with my ex (I started dating him at 22). So, who knows how long it's going to take me to be in a good relationship.
> 
> I am currently still going to counseling and she suggested that I find a support group so I can talk to other people who have been through or are currently going through what I'm going through.
> 
> How do I be okay with not being okay? When will the day come when I won't have these bad days? How do I go about dating?
> 
> If you've made it this far, thank you for reading and for any advice you may have for me.


Hi. Being ok with not being ok... Have you ever tried relaxation yoga or meditation? These may help with being able to just sit with the feeling of not being ok. Just sit and notice the feeling and not have to do anything with it. 

Oh and on everything else, you're not alone. I'm in a very similar situation, age, unfamiliarity with dating, etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

Need anything, holler. 

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk


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## misschris85

Girldad said:


> Hi. Being ok with not being ok... Have you ever tried relaxation yoga or meditation? These may help with being able to just sit with the feeling of not being ok. Just sit and notice the feeling and not have to do anything with it.
> 
> Oh and on everything else, you're not alone. I'm in a very similar situation, age, unfamiliarity with dating, etc. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
> 
> Need anything, holler.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk



Thank you. It definitely does help to know I’m not alone in these feelings. 

I have tried meditation in the past but probably need to try again. I do have a rough time just sitting still and letting me feel my feelings. I always feel like I need to do something to make myself feel better or ignore it by distracting myself with something else. 

Sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. But I hope you are handling it better than I am. And if not, I am here too. 

Although I talk to my therapist, it helps me a lot too to know and talk to people in similar situations or have gone through similar things. 

Reading some of the posts on here brings comfort and helps me think through things a bit more.


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## Girldad

misschris85 said:


> Thank you. It definitely does help to know I’m not alone in these feelings.
> 
> I have tried meditation in the past but probably need to try again. I do have a rough time just sitting still and letting me feel my feelings. I always feel like I need to do something to make myself feel better or ignore it by distracting myself with something else.
> 
> Sorry to hear that you are in the same situation. But I hope you are handling it better than I am. And if not, I am here too.
> 
> Although I talk to my therapist, it helps me a lot too to know and talk to people in similar situations or have gone through similar things.
> 
> Reading some of the posts on here brings comfort and helps me think through things a bit more.


I'm much the same in my mind seems to race. I'm always thinking or processing stuff. 

I started Hatha yoga a few years ago to help with this. It has done wonders and I'm out of sorts without it or some physical activity. Just being able to focus on what my body's doing and get out of my head. Like stretching and focusing on where you feel the stretch. Kindly pull your mind back to the place on your body if your mind starts to wonder. 

Focusing on breathing during activities or just sitting there has been a tremendous help as well. Same principle. Where do you feel the breath coming in and out of your body.

Hope that helps and make it a great day. 

Sent from my Pixel 2 using Tapatalk


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