# Where to go from here?



## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

This is my first time posting. Here is a brief history, I am the wayward spouse. I had a 6mo affair 7 years ago which I confessed to my husband just about 2 1/2 years ago. We have been through counseling together and he is doing his best to forgive me, at this point some days are good and some are bad, that is progress to me. I have taken full responsibility for breaking his trust and his heart. I am beginning to realize that we may not make it. And that's not because he isn't trying, it's because of what I chose to do 7 years ago. I guess my question is, at this point, how do I help him. He feels the trust has been rebuilt as do I, he isn't concerned about me cheating again I don't think, he is struggling with his thoughts and the comparisons between the OM and him that he has in his mind. I try to reassure him, but the mind is a powerful thing and he obsesses (his words). He isn't blind to the place we were 7 years ago, and he sees and feels all the differences now, but the past haunts him and I would even say torments him. Any advice or suggestions would be so appreciated.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Hi Peace- Im sorry you are here. I lost my first post to you so I'm rewriting a second shorter version….

Your H will go through the process on his own timeline. It can take years. It sounds like you are both doing all you can.

What about suggesting he go on this site for support? You could volunteer to go off of it so he can post freely and anonymously. 
Good Luck.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

I would tell him 100 times every day how special he is. How great of a provider he is. How sexy is he. That he is the most amazing lover. I would work on building up his confidence and making him feel that he is all you need.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Is OM still in the picture _at all_?

Do either of you have any sort of contact w/ him whatsoever? If not, when did the contact end?

Was/is he a friend, neighbor, co-worker...?

If he's married, was the affair exposed to his spouse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why did it take you 4 years before you confessed?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Peace, once you cheat, you cannot put that genie back in the bottle. Its going to leave a bad scare no matter what you do. Nor can you stop his comparisons between him and the other man. No matter how much you "reassure" him, the question will persist, "if she was pleased with me, why did she go to the OM and/or see in him?" Its a done deal that will haunt him from now on.
Of course you and I both know, when you cheated, your romantic interest was at a low point. I suggest you put your cards on the table and explain exactly why you turned to another man without beating around the bush with, "I was being selfish, etc., etc.". All your doing with that kind of explanation is showing him that he, and worse you, have no control over what caused you to cheat and what you will do if the planets are once again aligned.
As far as trust, forget it. Once its violated it legitimately never returns. He may act like he trust you and you may never cheat again, but he can never be sure.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Which of his comparisons cause him the most issue, and what have you done, beyond words, to alleviate his concerns?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Peace246,

First get ready for a shyt storm of negative responses to your post. Stay strong learning deal with those posters will help you better deal with your husband. Your husband may have these posters thoughts and emotions, so address them and keep posting. We do need more info. 

Is your adultery partner a co-worker, a mutual friend, etc. Your MC what approach did they use and what actions did they suggest? 

Do you have children, Apx age currently, where you both employed at the time? Why did you confess ? 

What have you learned about yourself, your husband and what being married means


Right now, are you still want in on this marriage, or is your posting another form of "I love you but ...." cover you ass trying to put a positive spin on this and put yourself in a better light. These are fair questions, at some level your husband has them.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Note: take a moment and read posts by @LosingHim and @EI both WW and both in good marriages.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Is OM still in the picture _at all_?
> 
> Do either of you have any sort of contact w/ him whatsoever? If not, when did the contact end?
> 
> ...


He is out of the picture, we moved over 1000 miles away 4 years ago, there is no communication. He was a "friend" of both of us, was not married, my husband sent him a few messages after I confessed but I have not communicated with him.
Do you have any advice for how I can help him now? I know the damage I have done as much as a person not feeling his feelings can. I am here and 100% invested, I'm just looking for some ideas for how I can help him.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

If I'm being honest, I hoped it would go away. My husband always had suspicions, and I always lied. We were in a bad place 2 1/2 years ago and I felt that it was time to give up, basically torch the relationship and see if we could rebuild. That's the hard truth


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Yes we can help you but need the all the info I asked for to help fine tune your help. Remember the warning I shared with you. The measure of a things worth is our willings to endure needs tp be your motto. 

I need to confirm the obvious, you know blue type indicates a hyperlink? Click on the two links I gave you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I am very interested in what happened with MC.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Hi @Peace246,
> 
> First get ready for a shyt storm of negative responses to your post. Stay strong learning deal with those posters will help you better deal with your husband. Your husband may have these posters thoughts and emotions, so address them and keep posting. We do need more info.
> 
> ...


Thank you, yes I feel those are all fair points, I will do my best to answer.
The OM was a mutual friend whom we had moved away from a couple years after the affair. 
Our MC went through an infidelity workbook with us which was very helpful for us both, we also used the goasksusie material which I have mixed feelings about. She also saw us separately, my husband found the solo sessions helpful but I didn't feel like much was accomplished in my sessions. For what that's worth.
We have 4 kids all under 18, and another question answered before asked yes they are all my husbands, my youngest was 4 at the time.
I was a stay at home mom, my husband travelled for weeks at a time, to provide for us (that's not me blaming him, I know I was ****).

I have learned so much about myself. I was never wrong, rarely apologized and was selfish and entitled. I see where a lot of that came from after reading a couple books about emotional maturity and upbringing. I've also learned that I am not my past. I can and have changed.

The changes I have seen in my husband are hard realities of what I have rained down on him, he's struggling big time. I know he love me and wants to forgive me. I have ruined him. I want to be with him and grow old together I want to do whatever it takes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Peace246 said:


> He is out of the picture, we moved over 1000 miles away 4 years ago, there is no communication. He was a "friend" of both of us, was not married, my husband sent him a few messages after I confessed but I have not communicated with him.
> Do you have any advice for how I can help him now? I know the damage I have done as much as a person not feeling his feelings can. I am here and 100% invested, I'm just looking for some ideas for how I can help him.


Tell him every day that you love him. _Show_ him every day that you treasure him. When he seems down or upset, ask him if he'd like to discuss it w/ you.

That said, @ThePheonix's brief commentary w/ respect to trust in his earlier post is largely correct. And you can believe that this is something that your husband has spent plenty of time contemplating.

This is something that your husband will continue to carry w/ him for pretty much the rest of his life, and that's whether the two of you continue in your marriage or not. I refer to it as "the 5%", and it's something that every betrayed spouse somewhat instinctively understands will be his or her cross to bear, so to speak, going forward in the reconciliation of his or her marriage.

_The good news is that he seems to have decided that you're worth it._ 

So _be_ worth it.

Best of luck to you.

ETA: If you want to better understand things from your husband's perspective, buy and read this book...

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald: 9781450553322: Amazon.com: Books


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Tell him every day that you love him. _Show_ him every day that you treasure him. When he seems down or upset, ask him if he'd like to discuss it w/ you.
> 
> That said, @ThePheonix's brief commentary w/ respect to trust in his earlier post is largely correct. And you can believe that this is something that your husband has spent plenty of time contemplating.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I have read the book, but I'm going to pull it out of our "coping box" and go through it again. I feel that we were doing well for quite a while and have just had a hiccup of being too busy with work and kids to give eachother the time and reassurances that are needed. I'm sure it's hard for him to work through his feelings when I'm not doing my job of letting him know how much he means to me and how hard I know it is for him to have to work so hard to be here. I am so grateful that he thinks I'm worth it.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My advice would have been to not tell your spouse. The need to tell is to relieve guilt and it is selfish to dump something that your spouse would never have found out, on him so you could feel less guilty and forgiven. If you just stopped and never told him, your life would have not been affected at all.

You can forgive but never forget. You have proven to him that you are a liar but you want him to believe you now. You have proven to him that you can break a sacred trust so why should he think you would never do that. You have proven that you are willing to deceive him. Even psychologist would advise that you never tell your spouse that you cheated. There is no upside to it for him, only a downside. That was your first mistake and although he alleviated your guilt, you have made your husband feel a lot worse than you did. 

Many marriages do not survive when one spouse confesses to cheating. I personally refused to try to save the relationship when I was cheated on and as a result found someone much better an a very happy married life. Marriage counselors are usually a delay in a divorce. It may work for some but I never saw it work for anyone I knew and most who recommend it as a reflex solution, never took it. It is one of those things that you say to marriages in trouble.

Here is what is going on. Jealousy stems from a feeling of insecurity. My wife chose another man over me. Maybe he is better in bed, richer, more handsome, more intelligent, etc.. You already showed him that you would cheat on him for a better model so why not again? He thinks that he trusts you but he is not with you 24/7 and he once felt that he trusted you so much that there was no chance that you would cheat on him. He was proven wrong. What often happens is that your spouse can bury his true feelings due to counselling or just wanting to, rather than go though a painful divorce. This is especially true of an insecure person since they worry that they will not be able to find someone to have sex with often or even someone who would love them. His insecurity makes him jealous and no matter what he thinks, his emotions make him feel differently.

How can you trust someone as much as you trusted them when you knew for certain that they would never cheat on you, after they did? You can never go back to that level of trust again because you know it means nothing. So although he may trust you, it is not the kind of trust that you would bet your life on, as it was when you first got married. That is why I never stayed with a cheating woman. I would be suspicious of her whenever she was away from me in a situation where she could cheat without me knowing. Three hour shopping trips. Working late and going away on business trips. What is she doing when I am at work, etc., would eventually eat me alive. I would forever think that you found me lacking as a man and lover. If I was all that you wanted, you would not have cheated. 

I left the day after I learned that my women were cheating. I have learned one important thing in life that has served me well; one's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. No matter how much time and proven trust I was shown, I would always know that you are capable of cheating again and perhaps are still doing so. Even if you are not cheating, the fact that I am reacting as if you are, is enough to end the relationship. You cannot change what you feel. Sorry to say that your feelings about your marriage are probably true. I never knew a couple who lasted long after one of them cheated, but I am sure that some have. 

The funny part is that I had a non monogamous marriage because after being cheated on twice, I no longer believed that it was a viable choice. It turned out to be a smart choice. No jealousy and a fantastic marriage still going over 40 years. All of our original friends and siblings got divorced because one or both spouses cheated. My wife and I agree that we would have been divorced a long time ago if we had a monogamous marriage. For me it is not the sex that bothered me in the past. It was that a promise was made to me and I lived according to that promise and they did not.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

MarriedDude said:


> Which of his comparisons cause him the most issue, and what have you done, beyond words, to alleviate his concerns?


 100% the sexual aspect of the affair is what the comparisons are drawn from, I think namely the desire to please the OM and I think the lengths that I went to to make that happen, I mean the lies and finagling. 
I feel our intimate life now is better than ever because our relationship and friendship has grown so much, but i think it's not enough for him. I think I need to step it up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Some additional thoughts...

You moved prior to disclosing the affair, right? But affair ended prior to the move? Did you have any contact w/ OM between the move and the confession?

You mentioned that you husband had suspected an affair prior to your discloser... did he suspect an affair w/ OM?

You say that OM was a mutual friend... how close were he and your husband?

Do you believe that your husband suspects that -- as opposed to choosing _him_ over OM -- you chose _your family_ over OM?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> I have learned so much about myself. I was never wrong, rarely apologized and was selfish and entitled.


Doesn't explain why you cheated. These qualities may or may not be inherent in people who cheat. What is it about the OM that made you want to sleep with him? Or were you primed for an affair and he just happened to be available? Your husband is likely thinking along these lines. 
I'm not trying to be inordinately hard on you Peace, but the "I was a worse person then" is close to the, "I wouldn't have done it if I would have be sober" style of being accountable. It's like you're wanting him to forgive and forget because you're a different person now. 
Whether men admit it or not, they would rather feel that they screwed up than to feel like they were giving it their best and still fell short of making the grade.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Peace246 said:


> 100% the sexual aspect of the affair is what the comparisons are drawn from, I think namely the desire to please the OM and I think the lengths that I went to to make that happen, I mean the lies and finagling.
> I feel our intimate life now is better than ever because our relationship and friendship has grown so much, but i think it's not enough for him. I think I need to step it up.


Not to be crude, but were there things that you did for OM or allowed OM to do that had previously been off limits where your husband was concerned?

If so, has that changed? (Keep in mind that, even if it has, he'll still feel like he's "in second place", "getting leftovers", etc.)


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Thanks for the info. So he traveled a lot sometimes for weeks at a time, you were home alone with 4 small kids. Does he still trave for work? For the time being I am pushing you see how aware this happened. I suspect part of his reservation is needing to know how this happened. If he still travels, his life could be a living hell knowing every time he travels he does not know what he will come home to. 

F102 posted a point by point guide on how an EA develops in the work place. Try rewriting it to fit what happened. It does apply as inam sure your not a ONS type person, so you developed an emotional bond with your AP. 

Emotional affair*


Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted*
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that
How insensitive you can be some times
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Some additional thoughts...
> 
> You moved prior to disclosing the affair, right? But affair ended prior to the move? Did you have any contact w/ OM between the move and the confession?
> 
> ...


We moved prior to me admitting the affair, and yes the affair was over for 3 years before we moved, there was limited contact via text, but nothing deep.
Yes my husband suspected the OM, they were not terribly close but they were friends. They had mutual friends.
I'm not sure if he feel that I'm only here for the kids, he hasn't expressed that. I often wonder if that's why he is still here after all I did. I am here for my family definitely but not in the way some would think that it's just for the kids. I love him and this family we have created.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi. First of all, it's great that you're seeking further help by posting here! You've received lots of great advice thus far, so I only have a couple of things to recommend at this point, some that have been already covered by others:
1. Your husband probably has mind-movies of you and the OM in bed and other very persistent thoughts. I would strongly urge you to get him to see a GOOD counsellor and have the counsellor check out if your husband has PTSD! Secondly, I have heard that EMDR therapy can be very helpful to lessen or even eliminate mind movies.
2. In addition to "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", I strongly urge you to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass, it is the book I found most helpful on the topic of infidelity and recovery from it.
3. Get the book called "5 languages of love" and find out what his top love languages are, and then "bombard" him with them.
4. Another thing that might help your husband greatly is if he googles "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help a lot.
5. Get books on sex, like Kamasutra. Show your husband all the things you want and WILL do with him that you haven't done with OM. Ask your husband what are his special wishes (maybe you wearing a wig, maybe corset, maybe entirely dressing up as a different woman etc.). Ask your husband if he would be ok with you going to see a FEMALE photographer and her taking classy erotic photos of you to give to your husband. Consider a sex therapist. If your husband is having trouble with erection due to mind movies, consider viagra or sth as a temporary solution until the EMDR and everything else helps.
6. Yes, try to suggest that he at least starts reading on this site (or some other site) to get help.

On a semi-related note - how are the kids coping with moving away, marital problems,...? Have you considered taking them to see a GOOD children's therapist for a preventative check-up?

Ok, I don't want to overwhelm you, so I'll stop now. Best wishes to all of you!


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> Doesn't explain why you cheated. These qualities may or may not be inherent in people who cheat. What is it about the OM that made you want to sleep with him? Or were you primed for an affair and he just happened to be available? Your husband is likely thinking along these lines.
> I'm not trying to be inordinately hard on you Peace, but the "I was a worse person then" is close to the, "I wouldn't have done it if I would have be sober" style of being accountable. It's like you're wanting him to forgive and forget because you're a different person now.
> Whether men admit it or not, they would rather feel that they screwed up than to feel like they were giving it their best and still fell short of making the grade.


I can see how that sounded like a simplification. We both are aware of how much of a shambles our relationship was at that time and there is no reason I can give for the affair that will make my husband feel any better or make it go easier for us. I do feel that we both have changed and grown immensely through all this.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Not to be crude, but were there things that you did for OM or allowed OM to do that had previously been off limits where your husband was concerned?
> 
> If so, has that changed? (Keep in mind that, even if it has, he'll still feel like he's "in second place", "getting leftovers", etc.)


You're not being crude, it's a valid question. I was not as sexually open with the OM as I was and am with my husband, for many reasons that I won't go into. The feelings I think he has are related to the fact that the act of having an affair, having sex with OM was so risky. I was willing to risk our marriage and family to be with him.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Peace246 said:


> I can see how that sounded like a simplification. We both are aware of how much of a shambles our relationship was at that time and there is no reason I can give for the affair that will make my husband feel any better or make it go easier for us. I do feel that we both have changed and grown immensely through all this.


I would think it boils down to trust after all this time

Sure trust can be rebuilt but its only ever going to be 
a repair and never the shiny new thing it was

A lot of obstacle's have to be removed I was reading 
the other day
fear,contempt,uncetainty a long list of negative emotions 
and thoughts

Even if they are achieved the one thing that can not be 
changed is the persons in built feeling that they can 
not forgive or trust

Your husband may be unable to do that

If he and you have exhausted all outside avenues of 
help from M.C/I.C. Then time and patience will be the 
only thing other than your continued remorse

Sorry I have nothing more to add as he's still with 
you so I would think his heart is wanting to stay....its 
his mind that has to move in line


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Welcome Peace. I too am a wayward who finally came clean after 3 years.

I am one week, ONE WEEK, into reconciliation after 5 months of being separated under the same roof. Which also means I only came clean about 5months ago. 

Please stay here and learn from these wonderful people. Had I not found this place, I don't know how I would've ever gotten to the point of reconciliation. I've learned so much about myself and my behaviors. I was in a pretty messed up place when I came here. And it's a long painful road, but I believe that the people here will help you find what you need.

Be patient, answer and ask questions and really analyze all of the answers. 

Best of luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Peace246 said:


> If I'm being honest, I hoped it would go away. My husband always had suspicions, and I always lied. We were in a bad place 2 1/2 years ago and I felt that it was time to give up, basically torch the relationship and see if we could rebuild. That's the hard truth


Did you confess? Or was it, perhaps, delivered in such a way that he would leave you, so you could say: "gosh, folks! Hubby just upped and left me!"?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Speaking of being rude....here's my advice.

Ya you need to step it up and if that means kneeling down then go for it. I found the high degree of submission my old lady shows me and all the compliments help me. So don't forget to mention how much you like his penis.

Hell I've kept her around for the last 6 yrs since d-day...she must be doing something right!

Sincerely
the guy
with the cheating wife


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You broke your BH's heart and now you have to do your best to help him heal it. Both men and women have their worlds redefined and their egos crushed when their spouses cheat. 

The common explanation for cheating is that it boils down to a selfishness that gives the cheater permission to do what he/she wants. But the fact of selfishness isn't what kills. It is the reality that what the cheater *wants* is not the BS. This, to me, is at the core of heartbreak. It's this rejection that is so hard to get over.

Accordingly, your BH needs to know that you desire him above all others. Best would be to feel that even during the A, you desired him above every other man. BS's who are confident of their own desirability will often have an easier time processing the heartbreak because for them it is the WS who is broken, not them.

So, if you feel that your BH is the most desirable man out there, you have to show him this constantly, in my opinion. Do some hard thinking & try to remember how you felt about the OM. Did you desire him more than your BH at the time? Or was the OM just something extra?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> Welcome Peace. I too am a wayward who finally came clean after 3 years.
> 
> I am one week, ONE WEEK, into reconciliation after 5 months of being separated under the same roof. Which also means I only came clean about 5months ago.
> 
> ...



Ya but some off us can be real @ss wholes so you just have to weed through all the rifraf:smile2:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> I would tell him 100 times every day how special he is. How great of a provider he is. How sexy is he. That he is the most amazing lover. I would work on building up his confidence and making him feel that he is all you need.


Worth repeating.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you have a need to control and a fear of not having control?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Good post


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Peace246 said:


> 100% the sexual aspect of the affair is what the comparisons are drawn from, I think namely the desire to please the OM and I think the lengths that I went to to make that happen, I mean the lies and finagling.
> I feel our intimate life now is better than ever because our relationship and friendship has grown so much, but i think it's not enough for him. I think I need to step it up.


In other words, the risks you were willing to take to please the OM?

How do you believe you could best "step it up" to over shadow what occurred with the OM? To replace the association he has made.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> You're not being crude, it's a valid question. I was not as sexually open with the OM as I was and am with my husband, for many reasons that I won't go into. The feelings I think he has are related to the fact that the act of having an affair, having sex with OM was so risky. I was willing to risk our marriage and family to be with him.


You were actually willing to totally destroy your marriage and severely risk your children's future to have sex with an idiot.

I know it speaks far more about you than anything about your husband but I understand why he might think this moron just blew your mind in the bedroom.

How did your affair end? How often was this bastard around your husband?

Your children?

Was your infidelity kept away from your home or did activities ever occur in your H's home? His bed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

Peace246 said:


> 100% the sexual aspect of the affair is what the comparisons are drawn from, I think namely the desire to please the OM and I think the lengths that I went to to make that happen, I mean the lies and finagling.





Peace246 said:


> I was not as sexually open with the OM as I was and am with my husband, for many reasons that I won't go into. The feelings I think he has are related to the fact that the act of having an affair, having sex with OM was so risky. I was willing to risk our marriage and family to be with him.


If what you claim is true(about him being upset due to you risking everything to be with the OM) then I really can't see how this situation could be fixed with more sex/better sex since that apparently isn't what's bothering him. Although it certainly couldn't hurt either. 


I do have a few questions for you if you don't mind.

How did the affair end, was it you or the OM who ended things?

If it was you who ended it, then why did you end it?

If it was the OM who ended things, then how long did you continue pining for the OM after he left you?

Why did you continue texting the OM long after the affair had ended?

Is there anything about the OM that is significantly different than your husband(other than his morals obviously)for example: his physical appearance, his size, his race, his finances, his personality etc.

I ask these specific questions cause I think they may relate to your husband's issue in comparing himself to the OM and why he may feel(perhaps falsely) as though the OM is in some way superior to him in your mind. For instance if the OM dumped you then perhaps he feels like he's just your plan B, or if you dumped the OM then perhaps he feels like you only came back to him out of obligation to your family/children and that you may still pine for the OM. Or if the OM is significantly different than him then perhaps he feels like he cannot fill the OM's shoes in some bizarre way or even blames his perceived shortcomings for the affair leaving him feeling like he's the lesser man in his mind. 

As far as him being hurt about you risking everything for the OM, I gotta be blunt and tell you that I don't think there's anything specifically that you can do now that could change his mind about that part of it. The fact is you did risk everything for the OM and all you can really do now is behave in a way that would help show him that you're a changed person who would never do this again.

Simultaneously all your husband can really do is either forgive you for your betrayal while living with the injustice or divorce you and try to move on and find somebody else. Sadly there is no magic formula or secret list of things that you can do to make this go away. It's also possible that your husband feels crushed due to the lack of justice in this whole affair, if both you and the OM pretty much got to return to your old lives after having your fun while he got left sitting at the table with the check.

If that's his problem then, there's really nothing you can do to fix that, cause there will be no justice for him. Even if the OM gets hit by a bus tomorrow you're his wife and he appears to love you so he won't want you to get hit too not even by the karma bus and even if he didn't love you, you are the mother of his children so he needs you to be healthy for them. The only small sense of justice he could have felt is if both of your lives(you and the OM) were completely devastated even more than his and given the circumstances that isn't an option. Some would advise a RA(revenge affair) but once it's all said and done that won't do anything but make both of you feel a whole lot worse and bring a brand new set of problems to deal with IMO.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does your H seem to lack confidence in himself?

Is he in good shape? Does he work out?

Was the OM in good shape?

Increased confidence in himself might help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so here is what I suspect is happening.



Despite what your husband may be saying, he has NOT forgiven you. He DOES NOT trust you. And he certainly will NEVER forget. So this hasn't gone away in any shape or form.


The mind movies of you having sex with another man, with the POSOM being inside you, of comparing sexual prowess etc will continue to haunt him for a long time.


What is actually killing him more than the mind movies is the deceit, lies and disrespect shown by you over the period of the affair. This is made worse by the time gap between having the affair and telling him, as well as the length of the affair. If you lied to conceal the affair especially when he suspected this will drive him nuts even more.


Moreover, he is not sure he has the total truth from you. He may be thinking that you are lying to him or concealing some of what really happened to spare his feelings and keep him from leaving you.


More than thinking that you stayed for the kids, I believe that he has stayed for the kids. I believe that is the only reason that he is still there.


That, in my opinion, is actually what is going on and if you didn't know this then any chance of "making him feel better" is gone out the window. What I believe you need to do is



Prove your honesty - he needs to somehow believe that he has been told the truth and is being told the truth going forward. This is even more important than making him feel that his sexual prowess is better than the OM's etc. Insist on taking a poly and putting his mind at rest on a number of the points I have listed above.


Having said that, you need to also be genuinely loving when being intimate. No fake praise. He also needs to feel that you are genuinely attracted to him and are not pining for the OM or the OM's penis.


Be patient and truly remorseful when he triggers (and he will trigger often).


Remember that staying is his decision to make not yours. If he chooses to leave, give him an amicable divorce. Make sure that he knows that you would do this.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> We both are aware of how much of a shambles our relationship was at that time and there is no reason I can give for the affair that will make my husband feel any better or make it go easier for us.


A benchmark for reconciliation is EI. She laid it all out in very clear terms why she got into an affair to her husband and to us. Take my word for it, your husband will appreciate a straightforward reason.
Suppose for a moment, the shoe were on the other foot and you discovered your husband had a steamy affair with the attractive neighbor lady. Which could you deal with better, think he has a better handle on future behavior and believe maybe he didn't do it because he found her sexier or something lacking in you.

A. "I don't really know why I gave into temptation. I was just a selfish, self centered person and she was available. I've change now so I promise I will never do it again. 

B. "We were having serious problems then and I felt you just shut me out. My perception was that there was a giant divide between us and that you had little interest in me or our relationship. Maybe I should have tried harder to talk to you, but I made a serious mistake losing confidence in myself and our marriage and turned to another. She was there and it made me feel good about myself. I promise I will never do it again.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

All you can keep doing is continue to show him that you are sorry, love him, and would do anything for him. Be completely transparent on your whereabouts, phone pins, emails passwords etc.

As long as you keep doing that he will slowly come to realise that you two are back on the right track. That said he will always carry a small scar and memories. He will just learn to live with it.

I know from experience and so do many others here


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also. Don't lose heart.

You have been informed about the extramarital side of your marriage for 7 years.

Your H only has 2 1/2.

It often takes 2 1/2 to 5 years of unrelenting, hard work to recover from infidelity.

Might give yourselves some more time and even longer due to withholding your affair for 4 years.

It is almost incomprehensible how damaging the deceit and lying actually are compared to the act of having sex with another man.

As bad as infidelity is, the lying almost harms more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> Thank you, I have read the book, but I'm going to pull it out of our "coping box" and go through it again. I feel that we were doing well for quite a while and have just had a hiccup of being too busy with work and kids to give eachother the time and reassurances that are needed. I'm sure it's hard for him to work through his feelings when I'm not doing my job of letting him know how much he means to me and how hard I know it is for him to have to work so hard to be here. I am so grateful that he thinks I'm worth it.


Have you two been able to cry together?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

Thank you all for your advice and input. We had a good night, a lot of talking and continued healing. I really am trying and I know theres nothing I can do to make this go away or to make my husband suddenly forget it all, but I appreciate the advice and recommendations for how to help him navigate his feelings. I have read a lot of books and blogs, but certain things need repeating. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut, and what worked to help him in the past isn't helping. I dont know if that makes sense. 
There were a lot of questions asked by many of you and for the sake of time Im going to try to answer them all at once, so this may seem a bit dry or rambling, but I want to put this out there before I have to head out for the morning.

My hubby no longer travels, that ended before we moved. I broke it off with OM, but I still had feelings for him. I know this is cliche, but they werent sexual feelings, we had a good friendship before it crossed the line and i guess I mourned the loss of that friendship, there was little communication afterwards, a birthday text or a funny meme. Attempts on his part I believe to get a conversation going. I broke it off with him for a couple of reasons. I knew I didnt want to end my marriage, and I know this will probably cause a backlash, but I knew I was also hurting OM by keeping him in my life. I just wanted it to all end. At the same time I discovered some texts on my husbands phone that were eye opening-he didn't cheat(as far as I could tell), but I believe was on the same road as me, talking with someone else about our relationship. I had an eye opening moment, we were both in a bad place and making bad decisions. I didnt want to lose my family and I couldnt continue the way I was. There was a lot of guilt. I know someone posted that I never should have told him, that I was being selfish by telling him to assuage my guilt, however I tried for years to keep it to myself, and I think a part of him knew that I was holding back, like I said earlier, he suspected and I denied, repeatedly.
As far as comparisons go, hubby is better looking, more fit, nicer guy... I was feeling emotionally (somewhat physically) abandoned partly due to the separation of travel but also due to unresolved issues with my husband and trust issues on my part. OM listened... typical sh!tty story.
We have cried many tears, both of us. We have sobbed together.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and input. We had a good night, a lot of talking and continued healing. I really am trying and I know theres nothing I can do to make this go away or to make my husband suddenly forget it all, but I appreciate the advice and recommendations for how to help him navigate his feelings. I have read a lot of books and blogs, but certain things need repeating. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut, and what worked to help him in the past isn't helping. I dont know if that makes sense.
> There were a lot of questions asked by many of you and for the sake of time Im going to try to answer them all at once, so this may seem a bit dry or rambling, but I want to put this out there before I have to head out for the morning.
> 
> My hubby no longer travels, that ended before we moved. I broke it off with OM, but I still had feelings for him. I know this is cliche, but they werent sexual feelings, we had a good friendship before it crossed the line and i guess I mourned the loss of that friendship, there was little communication afterwards, a birthday text or a funny meme. Attempts on his part I believe to get a conversation going. I broke it off with him for a couple of reasons. I knew I didnt want to end my marriage, and I know this will probably cause a backlash, but I knew I was also hurting OM by keeping him in my life. I just wanted it to all end. At the same time I discovered some texts on my husbands phone that were eye opening-he didn't cheat(as far as I could tell), but I believe was on the same road as me, talking with someone else about our relationship. I had an eye opening moment, we were both in a bad place and making bad decisions. I didnt want to lose my family and I couldnt continue the way I was. There was a lot of guilt. I know someone posted that I never should have told him, that I was being selfish by telling him to assuage my guilt, however I tried for years to keep it to myself, and I think a part of him knew that I was holding back, like I said earlier, he suspected and I denied, repeatedly.
> ...


Have you worked to assure your H that if your marriage hits another bump you won't cheat again and fall victim to a smooth talking seducer? There is where the crux of the problem is - you need to be a safe partner again and show him you are working on being a safe partner.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Changing and healing require mentally and emotionally recategorizing OM into the enemy he actually was to you, your husband and your children.

Have you done that?

He was no friend but a vile enemy that thought little of taking a wife and mother and turning her into a cheap plaything while your husband was working hard to support you and your children.

He is the lowest scum and you became that at that time as well.

Have you been able to sort your feelings?

It isn't healthy for your marriage or family to remember such an enemy fondly.

I'm sure your thoughts of yourself from that time are not pleasant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also. Do you have a need to control and a fear of not controlling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

When you bring another person deep into the marriage the most common thing a spouse will think (and rationally so) is that they were better than them. 

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. a tough thing to get over. Not to mention the lies over a long period. He will have trouble believing anything you have to say.

A good perspective attached

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Changing and healing require mentally and emotionally recategorizing OM into the enemy he actually was to you, your husband and your children.
> 
> Have you done that?
> 
> ...


I totally see through the fog now, he didnt care about me in the least. If he had been a true friend he wouldnt have even encouraged the communication before the A. While I was still in it and long after I still thought he was an ok guy that we had just screwed up our friendship. All lies I told myself.
I do hold myself as much responsible as him, but there are no kind or longing thoughts directed towards him or that portion of my past.

To answer your other question, I don't think I have control issues at all, I don't see myself as overbearing if that's along the same lines.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Peace,

Good work on confessing, many here have never gotten a full and sincere confession, and would pay good money even to get one. I have more to write but no time now.

Tamat


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Have you worked to assure your H that if your marriage hits another bump you won't cheat again and fall victim to a smooth talking seducer? There is where the crux of the problem is - you need to be a safe partner again and show him you are working on being a safe partner.



This is a really good point. In the beginning of our reconciliation he asked for that reassurance a lot, and I think he sees all the work I have done to be an open book, and to change our communication style which was abysmal. I am going to ask him how he feels in that regard and if there is anything I do or dont do that changes that for him.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, 

Have you read @LosingHim's threads ? I cite her story because it shows first that issues are issues and adultery is adultery. Her postings show the full range of emotions and issues a successful reconciliation looks like. Please note they might still divorce and some issues are not settled, but the template is there to do so. 

She came here because of a drunken one night BJ
She denied and min what happened (just kiss, it was wrong, in was drunk....)
She confessed three years later. 
As she posted here she became more self aware.
As she posted here that aware of herself grew and she began looking at her life.
As she posted here she began to take baby steps towards becoming the person she wants to be,
As she posted here her self-esteem grew and she began to acknowledge bigger issues.
As she posted here she began to stand up for herself and began to work on issues in the marriage,
She began to demand the resolution to his long term EA
She began to demand that her husband handie money better. 

Read her threads, there are issues in your marriage that both partners are evading. They will not solve themselves. Unresolved they cause resentmeant and one of you will commit adultery.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> This is a really good point. In the beginning of our reconciliation he asked for that reassurance a lot, and I think he sees all the work I have done to be an open book, and to change our communication style which was abysmal. I am going to ask him how he feels in that regard and if there is anything I do or dont do that changes that for him.


Remember your A changed the dynamics of the marriage forever...so you will always have to be conscience of things that could trigger him...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Peace question....did the OM ever apologize to your husband? since they had mutual friends did they find out as well?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK so here is what I suspect is happening.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Peace, do you agree or disagree with the points I made above in my last post ? You haven't commented on any of it - e.g. do you really think he has forgiven you ? Do you agree with what is probably driving him nuts (not just the mind movies) ? etc


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

Xenote said:


> Peace question....did the OM ever apologize to your husband? since they had mutual friends did they find out as well?


No apology, and if anyone found out they haven't spoken to either of us about it. The only people who know are the close friends and a couple family members my husband trusted to speak with.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> Peace, do you agree or disagree with the points I made above in my last post ? You haven't commented on any of it - e.g. do you really think he has forgiven you ? Do you agree with what is probably driving him nuts (not just the mind movies) ? etc


I agree with many of your points, we speak openly about the fact that he may never forgive me.
As far as trust goes I feel he trusts me now, however there aren't many instances where I would be In a position where he would struggle with that, I'm an open book and I stick close to home.
The mind movies are much less, but the why why why is still very present
He may very well be choosing to walk through this hell for the sake of the kids, but I know he loves me, only time will tell if we make it.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady. I really hope you can make it because of your husband,your kids and even you. I think you learned you lesson and will never do this again.

One question. You said you have mutual friends with OM,so are they still in your life ? I am asking because a lot of men like to talk and brag to others about women they sleep with. 
It could be really painful for your husband to have a coffe with one of them,while they knew everything about Affair.

My advice is to never give up. Sure there will be some hard days,but you have to be there for him. Help him with healing proces and show him how much you love him. 

Maybe you can take some time off work and go to a nice vacation (2-3 days) just the two of you. 
Read some books about sex and try to suprise him.

Stay strong my Lady.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The control I was wondering about was the need to control your H for years by lying and manipulating him so you could try and control an outcome that you desired, namely, you tried to prevent him having information so he wouldn't divorce you.

How empowered do you think he feels now?

The why is easy to answer.

You allowed yourself to become a bad and disgusting person that he never would have married.

He has to see that you have become a different woman. One worthy of dignity and honor that the position of wife and mother calls for.

You two might just need more time and effort to recover.

Do you understand you don't deserve your marriage?

Would you give him an amicable divorce if he chose that route?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

I'm essentially in the same position as your husband except I'm not 100% sure my wife cheated 7 years ago. I'm actually 80% sure she didn't. I found bad emails 2.5 year ago between her and an ex from college wherein the ex was fantasizing about her sex life with me! WTF? But my wife is super hot and this guy is like 350 pounds now so it didn't make alot of sense. 

In any case, since that time, all I did was PUNISH her sexually with all these freaky requests, and drink and smoke (weed) myself to sleep every night. Two years and change later I'm definitely in a better place than where I was. Much better. I sleep most nights now and I'm not obsessed like I was. However, on bad days, I sneak sleeping pills and fantasize about killing this dude. I still drink too much, smoke too much weed and, sometimes for days at a time, have a hard to even LOOKING at my wife. We have 3 kids under 12, though, and I would never leave them like my Dad left my Mom to blow in the wind. I'd rather suck it up. 

Your H is probably still there with you for the kids only, honestly. I am early 40s and I've come to learn that MOST of my friends are dealing with an unfaithful wife and the aftermath of that. The last thing I'd want is for my wife to blow smoke up my butt about how great I am, how much she 'loves' me or how much I please her sexually. Honestly, I mostly just want her to shut up and just hang out, watch a movie, chill out, etc. We're still cool friends because she's very down to earth; I just don't trust her like that anymore and I likely never will. 

I've learn to let go of the idea of 100% trust. It can't exist any more between us. She asks sometimes, "Do you trust me 100%?" And I just say, "We have 3 kids." Then she gets really sad. However, I've also learned to let go of the idea that I can 'control' my wife or her desires, friends, Facebook posts, Instagram habits, friends, etc. Essentially, what I'm saying to you is the only way a man can get over a cheating wife is to let go of ANY idea that he can control her. She's gonna do whatever she wants...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Peace246 said:


> I agree with many of your points, we speak openly about the fact that he may never forgive me.
> As far as trust goes I feel he trusts me now, however there aren't many instances where I would be In a position where he would struggle with that, I'm an open book and I stick close to home.
> The mind movies are much less, but the why why why is still very present
> He may very well be choosing to walk through this hell for the sake of the kids, but I know he loves me, only time will tell if we make it.


I think you are trying. But he needs to see proof that you are doing everything you can to become a safe partner again. 

2 1/2 years out from DDay? Psssshhh... That is nothing. Most of the literature and empirical data you find on adultery and reconciliation all indicate that it takes 5 to 7 years for a marriage to settle back down to a modicum of what it was prior to the A. 

Your husband's life was turned upside down, coupled with the fact that you hid the truth for so many years. For you, the affair ended five or six years ago. For your husband it has only been since DDay. You need to cut the man some slack. He will heal when he heals. You cannot hold him to your timetable. He did not cheat on you, so you have no idea how long it would have taken you to get over such a betrayal. So....don't even go there. Let it go. Let him heal at his own speed. 

Adultery is like lightning hitting a big oak. The oak can keep standing there, putting out acorns and leaves for years. But inside the damage has caused a slow, almost imperceptible rot to occur. It is a creeping and insidious rot that goes unnoticed, until one spring some of the branches don't get leaves, and then the next spring some of the bark on one side of tree starts to fall off, and then the next spring more branches die... and so on. 

The tree is dying slowly from the inside out, from that single lightening strike. That is what your affair may have done. I hope this is not the case.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> The control I was wondering about was the need to control your H for years by lying and manipulating him so you could try and control an outcome that you desired, namely, you tried to prevent him having information so he wouldn't divorce you.
> 
> How empowered do you think he feels now?
> 
> ...


The short answer is yes I would grant him a divorce without fighting it. I fully understand that is what I deserve, we both know that we may not make it, I hope that's not the case but only time will tell. I feel like I need to reiterate that I'm not hoping there's some magic thing I can do to take this all i away And make him "all better". My purpose in posting was to gain insight and advice and I thank you all for taking the time to add your thoughts.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> The short answer is yes I would grant him a divorce without fighting it. I fully understand that is what I deserve, we both know that we may not make it, I hope that's not the case but only time will tell. I feel like I need to reiterate that I'm not hoping there's some magic thing I can do to take this all i away And make him "all better". My purpose in posting was to gain insight and advice and I thank you all for taking the time to add your thoughts.


The ting to focus on is being a better you - show him that you are a better person first and then verbalize how you feel when it is appropriate but remember ACTIONS speak louder than words. I also think you need to understand that the A changed everything for good - you are rebuilding and it takes along time. 

I thik when a souse has an affair they become a stranger to you all over again - like you just met. You have no idea of who they really are - except you don't like them very much. As with any "new" person it takes time to build trust and comfort...in effect by cheating you become a "new" person to your spouse - a person he doesn't know and is not sure he wants to know. You are starting anew relationship and with all new relationships you are not sure it is going to work. 

You need patience - many WSs lack patience - out of fear or selfishness they just want to know what is coming next. Once you cheat you never know whats coming next. I've read of cases where a spouse leaves 8 years later. I have a good friend and she told me about the parents of one of her kid's friends - the H had what could be termed as a serious A (he left ot be with the GF for a brief period) 2 decades after his wife cheated. When his kids confronted him about the A he told them about their mother's affair early in their marriage. I'm not saying he was right, not saying it was a valid excuse what I am saying is in that man's mind according to my friend the affair was still there. I'm not saying your H will do any of these things what I am trying to make clear it an A changes the terrain of any relationship permanently. 

Hope this helps.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> The short answer is yes I would grant him a divorce without fighting it. I fully understand that is what I deserve, we both know that we may not make it, I hope that's not the case but only time will tell. I feel like I need to reiterate that I'm not hoping there's some magic thing I can do to take this all i away And make him "all better". My purpose in posting was to gain insight and advice and I thank you all for taking the time to add your thoughts.


We have to ask questions to get an understanding.

More information helps us give better advice.

So far, it sounds to me like you have done a decent job of owning it since you confessed.

How did that day go down?

How did you prepare yourself to confess?

What was his reaction/s?

How long before he decided to give reconciliation a try?

You might help others with your information and we might gain insight into something missed.

I might be dense, but does your husband feel totally empowered in your marriage and holding the reigns, so to speak?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Peace, 

Have you...

Offered to take a polygraph to establish that your H has the full truth, and there were not prior affairs, including emotional affairs.

Offered to DNA test your children. You know that the children are his, but that is looking at things through your perspective and not your Hs. 

Written out a timeline for the affair. Sometimes a betrayed spouse gets fragmentary stories which leaves them searching for answers, but they are sick of getting inconsistent or evasive answers from their spouse.

Told your H the full sexual details, men will frequently imagine much worse than has actually happened.

Offered to sign a post nup giving your H a divorce very much in his favor should you cheat again.

Stopped lying about anything, for example telling him you spent 50 on shoes when you spent 150.

Searched the house for anything OM gave you and allowed your H to destroy it. 

Exposed the OM professionally and personally to his parents, grandparents, siblings etc. One thing which will keep a H in the game so to speak is when the OM walks away without a scratch.

Tamat


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

Shortly after D day I agreed to a polygraph, but MC walked us through making a timeline very detailed and my H felt that was enough. I asked him last night if he thoughthaving me take one would help now and he said he doesn't want to go back down the discovery road. I asked why and he kind of shut down. I don't know, I think there are things that he has hidden himself, and no I did not stipulate that he also take the poly although the thought crossed my mind.
No thought of a DNA test on either of our parts. They are his kids. In addition to the timeframe, they are all his mini-me's.
I got as detailed as he wanted in the details of the A. He wanted a lot more than I would have thought and only asked me to stop a couple times. But since that day when I try to clarify something he doesn't want to hear it. He wanted to know and then not hear about it again.


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

He nor I have ever considered a post nup, but I am definitely going to bring it up. 
I had already disposed of anything the OM had given me, we did have some pictures from a party he attended before the A that we deleted.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It sounds like he is repressing something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace246 (Feb 21, 2016)

Could you please clarify what you mean? Thx


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Most BHs struggle after their wife has had a sexual PA. It is without a doubt, there worst thing a person can do to another. No one will be able to hurt him as much as you did. 

Some BHs may be able to R and have a fairly loving marriage but they will always fight the mind movies that can be triggered by many things, movies, songs, articles, porn, even a sermon at a wedding or funeral could be a trigger. 

Then there is that part of a man that beats himself up for being weak and pursuing R. Part of him probably wishes he could have been heartless and only cared about himself. This feeling diminishes, especially if the wife is loving and truly earns his love. If there are issues in the marriage, it will bring up the feelings of regret but that feeling will probably never completely go away. 

You were once his precious wife and mother of his kids that had his back and it was supposed to be you and him and against the world. He no longer has that. He may still love you and of course you're still the mother of his kids, but I doubt he has that feeling of you being precious and he definitely doesn't have that she's got my back and it's us against the world.

Continuing to being loving and affectionate while being an open book having strong borders and protecting the marriage/family from bad influences.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Peace,

The thought that he was suppressing something occurred to me as well. In no particular order it could be.....

* That your H had a secret revenge affair, if he did he may be ashamed especially if, as is very probable, it ended badly producing no satisfaction for him.

* That your H feels there is more to the affair, but is just too wore out to care or ask.

* That the marriage counsellors were on your side and together manipulated him into accepting recovery before he was ready. 

* That the feelings your H once had for you are gone and he despairs of ever getting them back. 

* That kissing you now feels empty like you are not sincerely into kissing anymore, it might seem odd that I mention this specifically, but it something many men write of on these forums. 

* That he wants to kill or maim the OM but does not do so because he does not want his family to suffer for his action. I think of this btw when my last child graduates college.

Tamat


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wrong answer for would you fight him in a divorce. Actually if he asked you that question that would be the worst answer you to give. Simple say I will not divorce you. I will fight for our marriage day in and day out. You can have your terms, you can have the house, you can have the kids, but you can't get me to divorce you. 

As to being submissive. Are we taking about transparency ? Accepting good boundaries ? Anything else, hell no. The word submissive carries undertones of allowing degradation. If that is where the BS is heading, they need to be stopped in their tracks. 

A spouse needs to believe based on experience and facts their spouse will fight for and protect them. I have never put "emotional" value in what people may say to me. But while married I did not take kindly to barbs aimed at my wife. Cold, frosty, chilly where the least of my reactions. But when my exWW failed to respond the same way when the shoe was on the other foot bugged me and dud cause me to detach. Which is not to say you shouldn't turn around in private and say they were right. What are you going to do about it ?

So, if someone tells you how lucky your husband is to have you what would you say now? How about "if you mean how lucky he is to be married to woman who appreciates that he is a great guy, great husband, great dad your right". An answer like this is a win win as it shuts down players and let's your husband know you are all in.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Peace246 said:


> This is my first time posting. Here is a brief history, I am the wayward spouse. I had a 6mo affair 7 years ago which I confessed to my husband just about 2 1/2 years ago. We have been through counseling together and he is doing his best to forgive me, at this point some days are good and some are bad, that is progress to me. I have taken full responsibility for breaking his trust and his heart. I am beginning to realize that we may not make it. And that's not because he isn't trying, it's because of what I chose to do 7 years ago. I guess my question is, at this point, how do I help him. He feels the trust has been rebuilt as do I, he isn't concerned about me cheating again I don't think, he is struggling with his thoughts and the comparisons between the OM and him that he has in his mind. I try to reassure him, but the mind is a powerful thing and he obsesses (his words). He isn't blind to the place we were 7 years ago, and he sees and feels all the differences now, but the past haunts him and I would even say torments him. Any advice or suggestions would be so appreciated.



It has been 3 years for me and I am tormented daily. It is always their not matter how much you try and ignore it. Bottom line is people are only sorry when they see what it caused and effected. To the cheater it's just sex. To the BS it forever hell and torment.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> My advice would have been to not tell your spouse. The need to tell is to relieve guilt and it is selfish to dump something that your spouse would never have found out, on him so you could feel less guilty and forgiven. If you just stopped and never told him, your life would have not been affected at all.
> 
> You can forgive but never forget. You have proven to him that you are a liar but you want him to believe you now. You have proven to him that you can break a sacred trust so why should he think you would never do that. You have proven that you are willing to deceive him. Even psychologist would advise that you never tell your spouse that you cheated. There is no upside to it for him, only a downside. That was your first mistake and although he alleviated your guilt, you have made your husband feel a lot worse than you did.
> 
> ...


Way off way off way off.......why have a fake marriage?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Peace--------you talk about growing old together----let me tell you something---don't wish for the golden years to come, for they are not gonna be what you think they will be

1st you will be empty nestors----no kids there to take up your time, and keep you busy----then eventually the jobs/work will end-----------and unless your H. has a great many hobbies-------this is when the difficulties will really start

What am I getting at----it is the fact that with no kids around, no job around, and if no time is spent on hobbies-----your H., will have a lot of time on his hands-----and what is gonna happen during all that open time----HE IS GONNA THINK, AND HE IS GONNA REMEMBER, and you know exactly where I am going----he is gonna have hours and hours to think about what you did to him long long ago----and it will be there to haunt him every day----for you are the trigger, and basically with little else to occupy his mind---------it may not be pretty----I am telling you this so hopefully you can get it all figured out, when you hit those so called golden/retired/empty nest years----for most they are good, because good times are thought about and remembered----in your situation the one thing that will stand out head and shoulders above all else----will be what you did to him, with that other man---------

For those who may doubt the veracity of my writing----unless you have gotten to your golden years----don't comment, cuz you really have no clue what it will be like-----I can promise you----it will not be pretty, and it is NOT GOLDEN


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

ThePheonix said:


> Peace, once you cheat, you cannot put that genie back in the bottle. Its going to leave a bad scare no matter what you do. Nor can you stop his comparisons between him and the other man. No matter how much you "reassure" him, the question will persist, "if she was pleased with me, why did she go to the OM and/or see in him?" Its a done deal that will haunt him from now on.
> Of course you and I both know, when you cheated, your romantic interest was at a low point. I suggest you put your cards on the table and explain exactly why you turned to another man without beating around the bush with, "I was being selfish, etc., etc.". All your doing with that kind of explanation is showing him that he, and worse you, have no control over what caused you to cheat and what you will do if the planets are once again aligned.
> As far as trust, forget it. Once its violated it legitimately never returns. He may act like he trust you and you may never cheat again, but he can never be sure.


This was my experience and I have foud it is the same for the overwhelming percent of the betrayed men I have spoken with. If one looks at the stats on reconciling, real stats, not those dispensed by sites and authors trying to sell reconcilliation services for profit, it seems very few marriages survive infidelity.


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