# Am I doing the right thing



## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

I’m new here. Two weeks ago I asked the love of my life and the mother of my 13yro son to leave. Our first 10 years of marriage were great. Then I caught her in an affair that had been going on for 5 months. I was devastated. she was very remorseful and said she wanted us and it would never happen again. We went to couples counseling for several months and I went on my own as well. She never did. Our marriage had a new spark after that but I occasionally became depressed. While I forgave her and still loved her I’ll admit my love was more guarded. Well four years later she had another affair that also went on for several months. This time she was as cold as ice. No remorse whatsoever. So I asked her to leave. Surprisingly she drove home to OH ( I live in NY ) and left her son. I’m dumbfounded how a mother could do that. I miss her but I don’t see how I could ever trust her again. Interestingly she was married before and had two affairs with him, shamefully I was the 2nd. She also had troubles holding a job (after our son was old enough not to need as much care) and always struggled with fitting in with her friends. I miss her, blame myself but at the same time feel betrayed (twice), lied to, hurt, angry, etc. I’m starting to seek legal counsel and she’s going to make out like a bandit. Makes me sick because I wasn’t the one that betrayed the marriage. I honored my vows. It was always my dream to get married, have kids, grow old together and die. She self took that away.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

If the question is were your wrong to ask her to leave the answer is a HELL NO!


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

Hurtman2 said:


> I’m new here. Two weeks ago I asked the love of my life and the mother of my 13yro son to leave. Our first 10 years of marriage were great. Then I caught her in an affair that had been going on for 5 months. I was devastated. she was very remorseful and said she wanted us and it would never happen again. We went to couples counseling for several months and I went on my own as well. She never did. Our marriage had a new spark after that but I occasionally became depressed. While I forgave her and still loved her I’ll admit my love was more guarded. Well four years later she had another affair that also went on for several months. This time she was as cold as ice. No remorse whatsoever. So I asked her to leave. Surprisingly she drove home to OH ( I live in NY ) and left her son. I’m dumbfounded how a mother could do that. I miss her but I don’t see how I could ever trust her again. Interestingly she was married before and had two affairs with him, shamefully I was the 2nd. She also had troubles holding a job (after our son was old enough not to need as much care) and always struggled with fitting in with her friends. I miss her, blame myself but at the same time feel betrayed (twice), lied to, hurt, angry, etc. I’m starting to seek legal counsel and she’s going to make out like a bandit. Makes me sick because I wasn’t the one that betrayed the marriage. I honored my vows. It was always my dream to get married, have kids, grow old together and die. She self took that away.


I forgot to mention, the first guy she said she never loved. This second guy she told me she loved him: That hurts more than the physical aspects. And this new guy is married and has 2-3 kids. So not only did she crush my dream, shes doing the same to another family


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes, you were right.

And next time don't get involved with a cheater....she cheated with you and then on you.

Highly predictable.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Hurtman2 said:


> I forgot to mention, the first guy she said she never loved. This second guy she told me she loved him: That hurts more than the physical aspects. And this new guy is married and has 2-3 kids. So not only did she crush my dream, shes doing the same to another family


It all hurts. You will be so much better off without her. I hope you have learned a very valuable lesson. If she will chest with you she will cheat on you.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> If the question is were your wrong to ask her to leave the answer is a HELL NO!


Thanks. It feels good to know people think I did the right thing. Just scary thinking about starting over at my age (54) and wondering if I’ll ever find a connection with someone again.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Yes, you were right.
> 
> And next time don't get involved with a cheater....she cheated with you and then on you.
> 
> Highly predictable.


I was naive and in love. The pattern is clear though.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Hurtman2 said:


> Thanks. It feels good to know people think I did the right thing. Just scary thinking about starting over at my age (54) and wondering if I’ll ever find a connection with someone again.


Welcome to the club. I’m 54 as well and starting completely over after 35 plus years. We can do it! 😁


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> It all hurts. You will be so much better off without her. I hope you have learned a very valuable lesson. If she will chest with you she will cheat on you.


I did. Funny I always had that nagging thought in my mind throughout our marriage but hoped it would never happen


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Of course you did the right thing. That’s what you should’ve done the first time. Even if you were open to taking her back the first time, she should have had to crawl her way over broken glass to earn her way back. Doesn’t sound like that’s what happened.

Now you need to remain strong, focused and follow through. You need to take control of the situation to drive the best possible outcome for yourself and your son.

Understand and accept that she is not your friend and she is not on your side. Whatever love/respect/benevolence that may have been there is gone. She is your enemy now, and she chose that path. Act accordingly, show no weakness, uncertainty or mercy - she won’t.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Of course you did the right thing. That’s what you should’ve done the first time. Even if you were open to taking her back the first time, she should have had to crawl her way over broken glass to earn her way back. Doesn’t sound like that’s what happened.
> 
> Now you need to remain strong, focused and follow through. You need to take control of the situation to drive the best possible outcome for yourself and your son.
> 
> Understand and accept that she is not your friend and she is not on your side. Whatever love/respect/benevolence that may have been there is gone. She is your enemy now, and she chose that path. Act accordingly, show no weakness, uncertainty or mercy - she won’t.


she kissed the ground I walked on the first year after the first affair but as always life gets busy. she texted me the other day to remind me to get the dogs nails trimmed. I responded that it was my dog now and I would do it when I have time and not to remind me further. Felt good


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's is hard to be sympathetic when you committed adultery with her when she had already cheated on her first husband already. What did you think would happen?


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> It's is hard to be sympathetic when you committed adultery with her when she had already cheated on her first husband already. What did you think would happen?


I know. I’m ashamed for it. Believe it or not before I did, I told her that I didn’t want a one night stand. That I wanted a long term relationship, a wife. Doesn’t excuse what I did though. And i always had that nagging thought in my mind that if she cheated on her ex with me she might do the same to me. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.


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## 348731 (Mar 17, 2021)

Wow, I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment. I know it hurts so, so much. It sounds like your wife has a lot of deep issues and she has not worked on herself. You can't fix someone like that. And holding onto to her is only going to cause more pain for you later. You want someone to grow old with, someone to love you and be your partner in life. Don't settle. Never ever settle. That's what you'll end up regretting in the end. Don't let the fear of starting over keep you stuck in a relationship where you are not appreciated. Divorce her, and don't look back.


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## 348731 (Mar 17, 2021)

Also, as my mother likes to say: *If she did it with you, she'll do it to you*. You knew she was a cheater when you married her, this shouldn't come as a surprise.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> Also, as my mother likes to say: *If she did it with you, she'll do it to you*. You knew she was a cheater when you married her, this shouldn't come as a surprise.


Agree. And I learned a hard lesson. That thought actually occurred to me throughout our marriage at period times but then I thought I was being paranoid, there's no way she'd ever do that, she loves me too much, she has everything she ever wanted. Surprise, surprise.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> Wow, I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm going through a similar situation at the moment. I know it hurts so, so much. It sounds like your wife has a lot of deep issues and she has not worked on herself. You can't fix someone like that. And holding onto to her is only going to cause more pain for you later. You want someone to grow old with, someone to love you and be your partner in life. Don't settle. Never ever settle. That's what you'll end up regretting in the end. Don't let the fear of starting over keep you stuck in a relationship where you are not appreciated. Divorce her, and don't look back.


As an engineer I like to fix things but this is way beyond me. She needs to recognize herself that she has a problem. I suggested she go to counseling after the first affair (herself, not couples) and she didn't want. She always said she appreciated me and everything I did but I think her issues are much, much deeper. Interestingly, looking back on our relationship I saw so many signs. We were great when she was raising our little boy but as he got older and didn't need her as much that's when things fell apart. She tried several jobs and always ended up quitting them. Struggled maintaining close friendships and always felt like an outsider.


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## 348731 (Mar 17, 2021)

Hurtman2 said:


> As an engineer I like to fix things but this is way beyond me. She needs to recognize herself that she has a problem. I suggested she go to counseling after the first affair (herself, not couples) and she didn't want. She always said she appreciated me and everything I did but I think her issues are much, much deeper. Interestingly, looking back on our relationship I saw so many signs. We were great when she was raising our little boy but as he got older and didn't need her as much that's when things fell apart. She tried several jobs and always ended up quitting them. Struggled maintaining close friendships and always felt like an outsider.


It’s not your job to fix your wife. It’s her responsibility to work on herself, and it sounds like she doesn’t want to, or is not ready to.
What was her family life like growing up? Did she grow up in a stable home? I’m no psychologist but there seems to be a pattern where she struggles with commitment in relationships and other areas of her life. Her marriages, friendships, jobs. There’s definitely something not right.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> It’s not your job to fix your wife. It’s her responsibility to work on herself, and it sounds like she doesn’t want to, or is not ready to.
> What was her family life like growing up? Did she grow up in a stable home? I’m no psychologist but there seems to be a pattern where she struggles with commitment in relationships and other areas of her life. Her marriages, friendships, jobs. There’s definitely something not right.


No, I wouldn't say stable. Dad laid off and mom went back to work (so raised by Dad). Parents grew apart but stayed married (her Dad is a nut job but nice guy). Mom became an alcoholic but not sure if that started before we got married or after. Agree, something is not right.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hurtman2 said:


> I forgot to mention, the first guy she said she never loved. This second guy she told me she loved him: That hurts more than the physical aspects. And this new guy is married and has 2-3 kids. So not only did she crush my dream, shes doing the same to another family


I hope that you exposed this affair -- your family, her family, friends and especially her POSOM's WIFE.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I hope that you exposed this affair -- your family, her family, friends and especially her POSOM's WIFE.


My friends , family, and her friends around where I live (she moved back to her home state) all know. I also told her sister. I chose not to confront her new guys wife. I’ll let them destroy that relationship on their own. My guess is for him it was all fun and games but he will get cold feet leaving his existing family leaving my ex high and dry.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I don't know, but I get the feeling that if she were to come back to you, you would take her back (shudder). I hope I'm wrong.


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## Hurtman2 (Mar 24, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> I don't know, but I get the feeling that if she were to come back to you, you would take her back (shudder). I hope I'm wrong.


That’s a tough one to answer. She was by far my longest relationship and we had many great times but she got hopelessly lost along the way. If she showed any remorse when I called her out a couple of weeks ago I probably would have but the other half of my brain remembers how cold she was do me, she said we we’re not ok, said she didn’t know if she wanted counseling. Then she packs up submits a change of address form to the PO and moves back to her home state abandoning our 13yro son. What kind of person does that. Those actions make it clear she is through with me. Yet I continue to blame myself for something I did or didn’t do. I gave her the best possible life. She, I thought, had everything she ever needed to wanted. You would think I would know her after 16 years together but I guess not. I feel guilty for my sons sake for not forcing the issue of counseling. But I also know I could have never regained trust nor love. Just so confused and conflicted.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

dude: I could read it through your posts. The things that normally differentiate a man of strong character with strong self respect, and self worth, versus the weak wishy washy men that have little to none self respect and self worth is how quickly and determinant the strong men react toward a cheating partner. You let it happened the first time, that shows a man the has very little self respect and weak boundaries. That fact that you're still ambivalent as to what your response should be tells a lot about your character as an individual and as a man. The first thing you need to understand and "get" is self respect. If you don't respect yourself, NO ONE WILL. I may sound extremely harsh, but it is the truth.Maybe not to you, but the truth, nonetheless.

It shouldn't matter the why, when, who, where. It should only matter that she did, period. End of the relationship immediately. That's what an individual that has self respect and confidence in himself/herself would immediately do.
Myself, personally, She would have been dead to me the moment I found out the first time. She would never see me again, and if by change she would, I would react as if she's not there. I would not look at her, interact with her, adknowledge her. And if she would try to interact with me i would ignore her. Children, I would rather pay an agency to communicate back and for about the children needs.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You need to inform her affair partner's (AP) wife. 

Imagine for a moment that she knew, and let the affair go for months without telling you. Wouldn't you want to know?

Give her the information she needs. It is the right thing to do. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Hurtman2 said:


> My friends , family, and her friends around where I live (she moved back to her home state) all know. I also told her sister. I chose not to confront her new guys wife. I’ll let them destroy that relationship on their own. My guess is for him it was all fun and games but he will get cold feet leaving his existing family leaving my ex high and dry.


PLEASE tell his wife -- it's the correct and fair thing to do FOR HER.
As for your wife and POSOM, who cares. 
You need to realize she has shown you WHO she really is. If she came back (after he dumps her) all crying and upset -- SO WHAT? Your memories of your relationship are based on your IMAGE of who she is that's in your head -- NOT who she REALLY is.
A mother who abandons her son -- do you really WANT a relationship again with someone who could do that?
Forget that she willfully inflicted this on you -- someone who could be so callous about HER OWN SON?
NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with (IMO)


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