# Name-Calling / Verbal Abuse



## on again-off again wife

I am dealing with an issue that is a common occurance in our house. 
My husband will get upset that I question him (last night it was whether or not to turn off the a/c or not) or already upset at his kids, Gets upset, and firstly, seperates himself from me -which is a tell-tale sign that he's upset, then secondly starts calling me names starting at dum**ss progressing to bi*ch, then c**t.
After the dum**ss comment, I attempted to throw a child security gate at him to show him that I can be upset, but control what I do!

My point is he has no control over what he says when he's upset. I can't handle the abuse. It really tears me up. Knowing that a half-an-hour prior he was joking and kissing me!

I know he will probably read this, so ladies if you could give me your honest opinions please.


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## plymouth71

I'm so sorry you're being hurt like that. My H and I have our share of verbal fights as well and I'm going to start implementing a new technique I read about in The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. Next time your H calls you a mean name, say "ouch." Don't rise to the bait, don't dish back, and don't throw things!

According to the book, when you let your H know you've been hurt without responding in kind, it leaves him with a big empty space where he has to face the fact that he just hurt his wife, the woman he vowed to love and protect. Faced with this, over time, the H will stop saying so many hurtful things and find a better way to resolve conflict with you.

Hope it works for both of us!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WantsHappiness

How do you react when he’s in a mood? When he separates himself from you, what do you do? You said this is a common occurrence, can you be more specific - daily, weekly, monthly? Does he do this in response to something you're saying to him or does he come up to you out of nowhere and call you names? 

The behavior is not okay and it's a terrible example for your children but we need a little more information.


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## on again-off again wife

I realize it's an attention getter, and mostly all of the time he says he does not mean what he says when he's upset.

I think it would be very hard not to react to being called a c**t.

As far as timing, it's hard to say-sometimes weekly, sometimes daily...guess it just depends on what kind of mood he's in.


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## on again-off again wife

When he seperates himself from me, he usually goes somewhere or he goes in the basement away from where we would usually be in our bedroom.

His reaction to me is because he thinks I think he's stupid or something. I did not imply that to him at all, just what he thinks.


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## WantsHappiness

I’m not asking about how you react to the name calling. I agree that it would be hard not to react at all to being called those names. As I said the first time, his behavior is not okay and it could be borderline verbal abuse but if you’re going to address the problem you need to get to the root of it. 

What I’m asking is what you do when you sense one of these moods coming on. When he goes in the basement to get away from you, what do you do? Do you follow after him? Do you keep trying to talk to him? Do you let him be for half an hour? 

If you let him stew for a little while without pressing the matter does his mood improve? I’ll also ask again, what do you do that triggers him to call you names? I get that he’s in a bad mood but walk me through it, I don't want to know what he thinks you think. I want to know what actually happens. He’s in a bad mood, you know he’s in a bad mood but politely ask whether or not you should turn the air conditioning off for the night and his response is to call you a dumba**? Totally unprovoked like that? 

The idea that he doesn’t have control of himself when he’s saying these things is nothing but a poor excuse for poor behavior. If he doesn’t have control of his faculties there are much bigger problems that only a doctor can solve. The fact that he knows the name-calling is wrong and later apologizes tells me that this is probably not the case. The problem is likely that he doesn’t _know how_ to control his anger.


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## HappyHer

Name calling is ABUSE, all the way through. Verbal, emotional, mental, calling names simply isn't something that should be tolerated at all.

Of course, throwing things at each other is domestic violence. Throwing things is violent. Responding to abuse, with abuse, does not help the situation, it just shows you can both be abusive. I know you must be very hurt and angry when he calls you names, but you may want to learn healthier coping skills. These could look like, leaving the room if he calls you a name, taking the kids and leaving. 

Saying "Ow" might get him to think he hurt you, but he may be intentionally hurting you as his own unhealthy defense mechanisms are kicking in, I don't think that would do too much at the time that it's said.

Let him have his alone time if he needs it to calm down, but also let him know later that you still have an issue to discuss and when would be a good time for him? Then expect that he will talk to you in a respectful manner.

If he can't refrain from calling names, then you need to decide if that is the kind of relationship you want. Do you want your children to grow up and mold themselves to that behavior? You may want to separate until he can show that he can remain respectful towards you. 

It's not your problem whether he has issues with this or not, it is his problem that he needs to work out whether through anger management classes, or counseling.


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## on again-off again wife

It's not always the same everytime, it may be a different issue.

For example:

Last night when I was making dinner I could tell he was bugged after dropping off his daughter, so I asked him what was wrong and he snapped at me telling me I should know what is wrong. I stated I just wanna make sure it's not me. Anyway, I continued to make dinner leaving him alone, he did the stuff around the house and when time came- went to pick up his daughter. When he got back (again in an off mood) the temperature dropped so he mentioned he was opening windows and shutting off the a/c, I simply asked are you sure? it may be hot tomorrow. It leads to the name calling because he says I am a smart man, you are a dumbass if you think I will not forget to turn it back on in the morning. Well, there have been a few times before that he has forgotten because he's getting ready for work, not thinking about the a/c, and goes to work meanwhile forgetting then the a/c has to work double time to catch up! 
I try to explain to him that he has forgotten and it has happened before, if it's not in his routine. Had nothing to do with how smart he is. 
So, to answer your question-He thinks I think he's stupid, or less of a man because I asked are you sure?? He gets offended and he's already bugged about his daughter, so it blows up into something it would not be normally. Before he left to pick up his daughter he was joking with me, kissing me etc. Do you think it was my comment?? Do you think I should not say anything to him at all?? What did I do to deserve being called a C**T??

I was trying to explain to him that it would be nice if he got upset and dealt with the issue instead of calling me names! Sometimes I feel like I am married to a child. 

I was so upset I lost it and grabbed his ears and pushed them against the back of the chair begging at the top of my lungs to never call me this again. It's bad enough he calls his ex this word, he has referred to MY daughter as one. He knows that this word and many others-I do not appreciate! Especially the "F" word. I know I should have not lost my cool, try your husband, the man who loves you like no other, call you that and see how well you handle it.


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## HappyHer

You NEVER deserved to be called negative names - EVER, by ANYONE. Even if you were acting like a C***, which you clearly weren't, you still wouldn't deserve to be called that name.

It sounds as if he has some issues to work out. Those are his issues. It's not about if you did something wrong, if you "deserved" it, no excuse justifies his actions and YOU didn't make him do anything. He needs to man up and take care of this. There are other ladies in the home that needs better respect as well. Honestly, if my husband ever called my daughter a C*** even not to her face, I would be out of the relationship until I was extremely assured that it would not happen again. If it were to her face, it would be a complete deal breaker.

I'm in a long term marriage that had seen many issues in the beginning. We still have some most outstanding arguments at times, but have grown and worked through some real challenges together. 

I know full well how crazy another person can make you and how you can easily lose control of your own responses to the more hurtful or angering situations. It's okay to say "I didn't handle that well", and then find a way to cope better next time. It's not okay to repeat that behavior over and over though. 

It's clear to me that you want to break out of this dynamic and have a more respectful relationship. I know you can find ways of responding that will not entail abusive responses. So, give yourself a break for anything you did, know that you were acting out of sheer emotional pain, and that you have become wiser for it.


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## WantsHappiness

That’s what I was trying to gauge.  Thank you, on again-off again, and I’m sorry if my questions were offensive to you but your answers are important. My husband has anger issues also so I know a little bit about what you’re dealing with. It doesn’t get abusive in my situation so it’s not as severe but what I’ve found in dealing with him is that oftentimes my reaction to his crappy behavior is a huge determiner in what way this thing is going to go down. That’s not to say that you should be walking on eggshells but you need to pay attention to your own reactions. You need to refrain from throwing abuse back at him and you need to be the one to control your temper because he obviously will not. I’ve found that when my husband starts getting angry if I keep an even, calm voice and remain rational the situation is diffused quicker. He will do the same with me if I’m off my rocker. 

If that doesn’t work and he is escalating or remaining in his crappy mood I walk away (and vice versa) and we don’t engage again until we are both calm. This is the approach we’ve agreed on. Is it possible for you two to work out an arrangement like this? Only discuss such an arrangement when you’re both calm but if you want to see improvements you will have to work on this sort of solution together. 

The first thing and more importantly than the above is; does your husband want to improve this aspect of your relationship/himself? He says he’s remorseful after the fact but is he truly remorseful? I ask because HappyHer is right, this is verbal/emotional abuse if it’s occurring regularly and if he shows no signs of wanting to right the situation you need to decide how much you’re going to put up with. 

No, you should never, ever have to hear your husband call you the c-word and you did nothing to deserve that. My husband knows not to even use that word in my presence let alone direct it at me because he knows I find it disrespectful and it’s grounds for a major problem between us. You need to draw boundaries like this, what are you willing to accept in a marriage? When it comes to your boundaries it’s not so much about him changing, it’s what you will allow in your life. This ties back into the first thing I said about reactions though, you have to start watching your own behaviors as well. Set an example for what you expect. 

There also seems to be an issue with you deciding on something together or you questioning him (in the a/c example). It seems he takes a question as an insult or that he automatically goes on the defensive. My H can be that way and sometimes it has to do with the tone of my voice other times he’s just in a bad mood and takes it out on the people around him. Can you ask him (again in a calm moment) why his first assumption is that you're doubting his intelligence? Be rational, where in that question did you specifically say that you think he is anything other than smart? Neither of you can read each other’s mind. He can’t possibly know your motivation for asking a question just like you can’t possibly know why he’s upset if he doesn’t tell you. And he certainly can't be flying into a rage every time he thinks he knows what you're thinking. That is a nasty cycle.

You might want to look into The Anger Management Sourcebook by Glenn Schiraldi and Melissa Kerr. The book talks about the very basics of anger and gives step-by-step instruction on how to deal with it. It would be more helpful for him but since it seems he will not admit any wrong-doing or fault it wouldn't hurt for you to read it. I read it years ago and it helped a little bit with my approach.


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## on again-off again wife

My husband states that he does not owe me an apology and has done nothing wrong. Yet he thinks if we stay together and I watch my angry outbursts that we will be fine...I on the other hand have had enough of the abuse and want out! He won't change, why should I?


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## turnera

You should NEVER lay hands on your husband, even in anger.

That said, if my husband EVER EVER EVER said that word to our daughter, it would be the last time he ever saw either one of us except in court. I would spend every last penny I could find to keep him from ever coming near her again.


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## sisters359

Please protect your daughter. Such words from her own father can, over time, lead her to feel worthless, and she'll make choices that reflect her belief that she is not worth much--especially with men. It's a sad and sometimes scary "cycle of abuse." She may need counseling if he has degraded her on an even occasional basis. 

If he thinks that he has no problem and does not need to change, you may not have many choices.

But, work on your anger management issues, too. Most adults will never touch another person in anger, not in their whole adult life. There is nothing normal or acceptable about it, no matter what he did--you were not defending yourself. If you blame him for your behavior (the ear thing, gate throwing), then you are behaving JUST LIKE HIM, by saying another person "makes" you act that way. The other person provoked you, but did not choose your reaction to the provocation. You did. 

Refuse to listen to him use such language by walking away from him. If he follows and won't let you walk away, you may have to separate to protect yourself and your kids from his abuse. Call a women's hotline and find out what they can suggest for you. Good luck.


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## WantsHappiness

What is best for you and your daughter? Will he agree to counseling if it’s for your benefit? You could make that a condition of staying together. 

If he won't agree to go then you need to decide how much longer you’re going to stay in this toxic situation. A women's hotline like sisters recommended can help you figure out your next steps. Either way you should look into getting help for you and your daughter to cope with what has been going on.


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## on again-off again wife

Just so you all know this is my second marriage and the daughter I am referring to is my daughter, not his. Although he has names for everyone, he is very critical of everyone in our lives. Everyone has a label.

He has now conceded and says he is sorry for the verbal abuse but insists that I see someone for lashing out at him. Which since I have no money, I called in the priest.

We'll see what happens.


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## HappyHer

Is her father in the picture at all? I know if my ex knew that anyone treated our daughter less than respectful he would go to whatever measures he would need to go to in order to assure her safety from that sort of abuse, and the same goes for me.

He has said sorry for the verbal abuse. What about the next time that it happens? I'm happy you are seeking help, I really believe he needs to do the same as well though.


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## rosegirl

You NEED to read the book "Why Does He Do That" In the minds of angry controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. You will never be the same again.

Best wishes
<3


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## turnera

rosegirl said:


> You NEED to read the book "Why Does He Do That" In the minds of angry controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. You will never be the same again.
> 
> Best wishes
> <3


 I definitely agree. My DD19 did a school project on teen dating abuse a couple years ago, and I read all the books she used, and that was the most important resource.


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