# Almost a year and they still communicate, what should I do?



## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

About 10 months ago I found out that my h had been having an EA with a co-worker that works in a different state. They met at a meeting, had a sexual encounter and then develop a texting, phone, email, skype relationship. Once in a while she would come our way and they met or he would go her way and meet. My h is always on the road, he leaves on monday and is back on friday. She works in HR and deals with him on a regular basis. I was involved in an accident 4 years ago, which injured me badly, my life changed at that time, I had no more life, I was in pain all the time. Back injuries are the worse. People can not sympathize with you because they can't see your injury so they think your faking. When I found out about her we had been together for 21 years and we have 4 kids (2 are mine and 2 are ours). They had been having a relationship for two years. I asked him to come clean, he said we are just friends. I actually met her at a meeting just a few weeks after finding out and talked to her, she said we are only friends, but she was really shaken up by the meeting. I asked him to stop talking to her and he said he would, he wanted me and the kids, he loved only me, that was his choice. For one month after that we talked and talked about it and then one day I found an email and it confirmed that she was in love with him and they were going to meet and spend a week together. Once again I confronted him, but this time I told him he needed to tell me the whole truth or I was out, my suitcase was ready and so was I. I actually did not tell me the truth, I had to show him my evidence and then he talked. I asked him to call her and end it right there with me listening, he said no, can't do that, I don't want to hurt her like that, it would be too ackward with you listening. So he did not, I have to believe that he wont talk to her anymore, which is impossible because there is always a reason for her to send an email, give him a call, and every time she gets personal during the conversation and him being him can not tell her to go away, he listens (very good listener) and talk and she pushes it. 3 months later I come across another text message, that shows clearly that the communication between them is still the same, flirty, sexy etc... Once again I confront and this time I tell him, one more time and its over, if I find out that you are still somehow involve with her I am out. Nothing since august but she contacts him everyweek and so does he. What am I to do?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Hmm - She is in HR???

Can you say - you need to Expose this to the company!!!!! Someone in HR is held to a higher standard due to the sensitivity of the things that they handle. 

Expose this mess to the Head of HR and the CEO!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you still have the suitcase packed use it. If not then back it and leave. Better.....pack his suitcase and make him leave.

You told him you would leave and you haven't, and he doesn't beleive you so he will continue on.

God know it wont be easy but I'm in the group that believs in tough love so show him the door.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You continue to give him "one more chance".
He knows that you aren't going to back up your threat. What's the consequence to him for continuing the affair?
He has you when he needs you and her when he wants her. He has everything.
Meanwhile you stew and complain, but take no action other than "this is the last time" over and over.


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

Thanks for your reply, my sentiment exactly about telling the head of HR but then they will know it was me and it won't help my marriage getting back on track. And unless she loses her job or he does, or quits, they still will have to be in contact because of work!!!!!

And I wish I could leave, but I don't want too, I want this to work, Our kids (boy almost 18 and girl 16) don't know about this, they might of realized sometimes last summer that things werent the same with their parents, but now it looks like everything is the way it use to be. They are at a point in their life that they need both of us and them finding out about this would really not be good.
I am still so mad at him for doing this to us, why could he not just talk to me and shake me up and tell me he needed me...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Why do you care if she loses her job. Why do you care if your H gets mad because you let the company know?
If you think your kids believe everything is fine, your kidding yourself.
Listen - there are no ramifications for you because he is having an affair.
You're his doormat. He knows it. He will not change anything unless you are willing to leave or kick him to the curb.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

He has your blessing to carry on the affair so why are you worried. Either you tell the head of HR , her family , her friends, his parents, his siblings and yours or you put up with being third in your marriage, he has lots of fun, you have mountains of pain and he then leaves you. Does that sum it up for you. Stop being scared of having to take steps to protect your marriage, the processes is to get the OW out of the way, if she loses her job that is not your problem. Your marriage can survive his anger of you exposing it cannot survive another woman.

Go to affaircare.com or marriagebuilders. com and read the articles on both sites, exposure is one of the first steps for you to take control and help recover your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

I think i know how you must be feeling. Telling yourself that you will give him one more chance is another way of thinking that he will stop. This always happened to me too. I would always ask my H to prove to me that his relationship between him and this OW should end otherwise we wouldnt be able to carry on with our marriage. It never ever came to that point. I would always give in to him everytime he gave me an excuse to ensure that there was nothing going on. 
He would also tell me that he was not making contact with her but everytime i would go on FB and find her page she would have pictures of them both posted up and sweet little messages to him that she would always love him, no matter what. 
We fought almost every week and it always ended up about his infidelity. 
I thought he would change for the sake of our children or me or even our marriage overall but nothing ever did. 
Im sorry to hear that you were involved in an accident that has left you physically unwell. Although this has happened to you perhaps it might help you to know that life can be carried on and renewed. 
It must be so hard to think to yourself that he would never hurt you after telling him he has chances and still believe that your marriage has a chance to revive again. 
As this kind of indenial happened to me too, I also confronted the OW and even she denied the communication between the both of them which still wasnt good enough for me. 
Stupid thing about my issue was that both my H and the OW were married and had children they both obviously dont think about anyone else but themselves. 
And your H and the OW are obviously thinking the same way to. 
I still believed for over a year that our marriage could work too but during that year i was finding out more and more which made me become distant to him and that it was becoming more clearer to me that my marriage was heading to an end. 
I am still trying to get over it now and he is not here.


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## marleygirl (Feb 3, 2011)

my DH has had an affair for the last 18 months that started out as texting and talking friends. I have caught them 3 times now still texting and talking to her. I hope it is finally over but I have heard these lies before so I am very wary of them now. they work together and we have been trying to get one of them transfered with no luck so far. My advice to you is to report her. You will never see any peace as long as they work together. They will just keep falling back into thier old habits


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

Just like my H and his 'sidekick'. 
They were both working together and met then and there before she was terminated. However, that also didnt seem to stop them from communicating with one another. I guess it was too late before things went this far between them. After a year of this indenial and everything else going on, my H still works for the same company and now ive learned that the OW has a cousin working for him - Great!!! So even if hes said to me that theres nothing between him and OW how am i to know that if her relative is there now. 
It just seems like it will never end for me.


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

It seems to be a consensus from everyone that I should report her to head of HR. My h has a good job with the company, he loves what he does and we have lots of little perks because of it....I don't want him to loose his job. Somedays things are good between us, most time I manage to get over all this, but other time I have doubt about those two, today is one of those days. Even if they weren't speaking to each other, will it ever be ok for us again, is there really a time that you can say ok all this is not bugging me anymore, I love my H and he loves me and we will be happy? Days like today I feel like I am the one that did something wrong not him, he seems to be good most of the time, like this never happened. But me, its always there, somewhere in the back of my mind, in something I read. Thanks for reading, I am babbling, but it feels good to say what I feel. Have a great superbowl everyone!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm so sorry for you have been through... I'd give you some totally different inputs here.

I understand you're looking for a long term effective antidote, by which, in hopes your husband would introspetively determine to terminate his own affair by himself.

It's never a easy task... but don't give up because you will find that antidote but it's going to take you lots of time. I assure you will find because I achieved it when I was being cheated constantly, dealing with similar problem with my husband in the past.

Let's come back to the topic of the antidote.

In short: You will need to create it, plant it and grow it. 

Intense guilt would be the seed. When the seed grows, it triggers introspetion that motivates oneself to correct a mistake; however, this seed must be planted into his concious by you because you're the one who hold that power.

The tricky part is, in the depth of his heart & soul, he doesn't really "recognize" or "identify" cheating issue a big issue. 

In his perspective, when the wife can't see it, cheating/affair isn't equal to a guilt in marriage. 

That explains he keeps doing it; however, he does recognize such mistake and feels guilty when his wife, you, are there showing up, because you have a sort of power to trigger his feelings of guilt, but the only problem is you fail to implant this seed into his concious.

So I'd like to conclude, his logic is:

When wife finds out, guilty.
When wife doesn't see it, not guilty.

Therefore, there's an *understanding disorder *in his recognition of affair. 

That can be lacking of correct information and spirital inputs.

He did recieve some pieces of information from the society rules like everybody, that reminders him cheating is wrong because he's married but only when you (wife) appear, being there to fight with his misbehaviors, as soon the wife is not there supervising, fighting, and triggering the guilt to work.... his guilty feelings immediately switch off.

When the OW appears, (email, text, phone calls...) another piece of information begins to work in his mind, not knowing where he learnt that information, but it obviously tells him, it's ok to have fun with the OW as long as the wife doesn't find out.

Therefore, you will need to provide him with more information and spiritual inputs and drill them into his brains.

You will need to confuse your identity in his recognition that you are not just a wife, but someone much bigger than a wife, someone who means much more in his life. *You have to give him a new definition of who you are in his life.*

I don't suggest affair exposure like most people would. Although you have the power to throw him a bomb, it involves too many unnecessary people to talk. 

Make sure you provide the new inputs with love, support & respect, not to low down your self-esteem, just to avoid the situation that going in one ear and out from the other.

You will need to show up yourself as a best friend he can ever have & trust + the true love and true woman that he can't lose. 

Meanwhile, you need to give him spiritual inputs. Best way is to present how you view marriage & why you married him, and why you choose to be always faithful to him even after he cheated. You're totally heartbroken with great resentment but you are still faithful. 

Do a bit heart to heart conversation everyday without giving him pressure. (as I said, only to avoid the situation that your words going in one ear and out from the other..)

If possilbe, have a greatest sex with him. Making him understand sex is wonderful with you because you're a faithful & clean woman. You're much talented in stroking his ego. He no longer needs to get his ego stroked by the other woman. 

Many people would disagree to give him such benefit after he cheated but there's a physical & emotional need the OW can fulfill. You have to figure out what exactly he needs. He's not a totally evil person from what you said. He's a good man in many ways, so I don't think he's that kind of men who would take advantages of women.

I don't know how you communicate with him but your words have influence on him, you must know how to use your words effectively.

Giving him some powerful inputs will confuse that very piece of information working in his brains when the OW shows up.

To create that antidote is pretty time consuming and it's very tearful but when you're able to plant a seed in him, keep nurishing that seed. It will grow and the intense guilt will do its work on him. He will never ever cheat again. He will love you more than he loves his own life.

You can achieve it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tell the head of Hr and cc the Chairman, do not target the affair only mention they are using company time and assets to conduct the affair. Futhermore say that the company is opening itself to a sexual harresment charge.This is not going to go away until you do something to kill the affair, your husband is getting the best of both worlds and does not care for you. Do not pretend that this will go away . Go to the affairecare.com site and marriagebuilders.com , read the articles they will give you a far better understanding of what to do and expect than we can.

Do not be his doormat, if she is married call her husband , if she is single contact her parents and siblings. Be proactive , if all this and Plan A fail you remove him from the house , Plan B , these plans are on the MB site or can be posted if you wish.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WhatAm,
Really sorry about the back injury that is very sad. Chronic pain is just awful. Is it not getting better? Asking because if it is not improving after 4 years - seems unlikely it ever will.

Do you have a Doctor recommended physical therapy routine? Do you follow it consistently even when you don't feel like it? 

My W has had a couple (short lived) medical issues that effected our sex life. In each case she made it clear to me that:
- She was proactively trying to get to resolution quickly as possible
- She was sorry it was disrupting our normally delightful sex life
- She was glad to pleasure me on a regular basis even though she was 'out of commission'

Mostly I didn't take her up on her offers to please me, because 1. I felt bad for her. 
2. She was making a good faith effort to minimize the impact on me/and our marriage

That said if she had approached this as:
"My injury means you are now celibate until "if ever" I get better - so just deal with it". 

I would be doing just what he is. Unless/until he gets the minimum amount of affection and sex that HE needs to feel loved, he is going to keep doing what he has been doing. 

You implied that after the accident sex stopped. If that is true, have you ever told him you are sorry for unilaterally shutting down your marital sex life?

The tough thing about these situations is they can be amplified by history. So if he felt like you didn't make much effort in the bedroom "before" the accident, he may question how much of your shutdown in that area is due to pain, or just due to not really liking sex with him. 





what am I to do said:


> About 10 months ago I found out that my h had been having an EA with a co-worker that works in a different state. They met at a meeting, had a sexual encounter and then develop a texting, phone, email, skype relationship. Once in a while she would come our way and they met or he would go her way and meet. My h is always on the road, he leaves on monday and is back on friday. She works in HR and deals with him on a regular basis. I was involved in an accident 4 years ago, which injured me badly, my life changed at that time, I had no more life, I was in pain all the time. Back injuries are the worse. People can not sympathize with you because they can't see your injury so they think your faking. When I found out about her we had been together for 21 years and we have 4 kids (2 are mine and 2 are ours). They had been having a relationship for two years. I asked him to come clean, he said we are just friends. I actually met her at a meeting just a few weeks after finding out and talked to her, she said we are only friends, but she was really shaken up by the meeting. I asked him to stop talking to her and he said he would, he wanted me and the kids, he loved only me, that was his choice. For one month after that we talked and talked about it and then one day I found an email and it confirmed that she was in love with him and they were going to meet and spend a week together. Once again I confronted him, but this time I told him he needed to tell me the whole truth or I was out, my suitcase was ready and so was I. I actually did not tell me the truth, I had to show him my evidence and then he talked. I asked him to call her and end it right there with me listening, he said no, can't do that, I don't want to hurt her like that, it would be too ackward with you listening. So he did not, I have to believe that he wont talk to her anymore, which is impossible because there is always a reason for her to send an email, give him a call, and every time she gets personal during the conversation and him being him can not tell her to go away, he listens (very good listener) and talk and she pushes it. 3 months later I come across another text message, that shows clearly that the communication between them is still the same, flirty, sexy etc... Once again I confront and this time I tell him, one more time and its over, if I find out that you are still somehow involve with her I am out. Nothing since august but she contacts him everyweek and so does he. What am I to do?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there and let me say I'm sorry you find yourself on this forum asking for help. This is a wonderful place to get some support and to give you strength.
Your husband is in the middle of an affair and is hiding and lying to cover it up and to put you off the trail.
First of all you have to understand that as long as he is in the affair relationship you cannot work on your marriage.......
The plan should be you ask him to stop the affair and work on the marriage or he should leave and move on with his life.......
If he choses to not stop the affair then you have to expose the affair to everyone that is important to him, his family, his kids, his friends and his work place, the OW's friends, husband and family should also be told.........
When your husband and his OW actually have to face the truth about their affair and they have to be accountable it will be a whole other story, the longer you let it go on the harder it will be, he will be mad, so what it's time for him to understand that it is not acceptable in a marriage .............you can survive him being mad, but not him being in a relationship with someone else.
You expose and then tell just keep telling him you are trying to save your marriage and family.............that you love him and you think he is worth fighting for.............
Then let exposure do it's work, sit back and let him feel the brunt of his actions............
Remember this process might take a while for him to wake up from the affair fog he now lives in............
Patience and kindness now is the key, you show him the best you that you can be, always look good, smell good and just be the woman he fell in love with, when he realizes what he is giving up for some fantasy life he will come to his sense, in the meantime go to a lawyer get your rights and show him you are serious about moving on if he choses to stay with the OW.........
dont' be afraid, be firm but compassionate..........
He will never stop if you don't draw your line in the sand.......this is called cake eating and he will do it for however long you let it happen..............
look up fog babble and remember he is making these decisions and he is making decisions that don't have your best interest at heart.............do not trust him for now, keep your ears and eyes open and expose, I found once my kids knew things changed for him, they barely spoke to him I think he knew then that what he thought was right wasn't for anyone else, everyone else just thought he was being very selfish............
be strong.


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

Dear Mem11363,

Sex was never the problem. I adjusted so that at least we could connect that way. It was more the fact that I could not function as a normal person can that bothered him. My days consisted of lying down, sitting for half an hour be in pain for many hours after that, lying down again for the rest of the day, taking care of kids, driving them wherever they needed to be, trying to keep the house, garden, lawn up to date, you try doing that when you can't even wash your legs in the shower because your back won't bend enough or wash your hair because you can't bring your arms up. Everything I did for a few years was torture. Oh yeah and I forgot do a full day at work too, oh did I mention sitting down with the kids to help with homework. What do you think I felt like on fridays when he would come home from a week away, staying in a nice hotel, ordering his food, having someone make his room for him, I felt like s----! I had no more energy for anything else, but lying in bed or a lazyboy and wanting my husband to come home, sit with me for a while, have a discussion, try to do something together on the weekend. But no what I got was a husband that came home, went to do sports with buddies than beer with buddies, than home at 7pm a bit drunk (oh yeah and by then he was interested in me, because he is a man and has needs) and in bed and asleep by 9. Day after in his office by 5-6 am doing what you think, on the phone or computer talking to his lady friend because it is 2 hours ahead of us. Later he would come and wake me up because he is a man and does have needs....back to his office to work this time and later back to the court with the boys, beer time again, back home by 7, dinner with me the kids, asleep by 9. Day after on the road again. Funny that I did not go looking around for someone to understand me, talk to me, spend time with me. So is reason for needing a confident, was that he could not talk to me because he could not stand the person I had become he miss the old me....guess what so did I and I still do miss her, but I have to live with my injury he doesn't, he just needs to understand how it effects me. Once we were told I needed surgery we as a family took the decision that I would reduce my hours at work and try to learn how to live with the pain to be able to stay away from surgery, which I did. It was the best thing to do, for then on I had time to try to recover, go to the gym and do my programs to help my recovery, when I was tired I could stop and lie down. I spent most of my days standing up and only sitting for very short period of time while having dinner with the children during the week. On the weekends when my h was home I had more energy to be physically active with him, but things did not improve, I still felt that he was getting away from me. After a year of this regime, my suspicions were really bothering me, I was really paying attention to him when he was home and on the phone. Finally one day, I found out and once I exposed him, he blamed me for it, it was because of the way I was. But he still loved me, and was still very sexually attracted to me, and still very happy sexually with me even after 22 years, she on the other hand was just a friend! So don't you dare come and tell me that this is my fault, that I brought this onto me, its bull****. What is the difference between him and I, why didn't I choose that path to make my life better. And now for him to not be able to cut the rope with her completely because of work.....if it wasn't for that we would be really happy together right now, I think he is happy with me, I am sure that he know he took the right decision by staying with me but I dont think he realizes what it is doing to me to know that they still talk, and that everytime she tries to pull him in. He says its not working and puts her back in her place everytime she does, but I don't quite believe that, it is not in his charming ways to do that. If he could do that he could stop talking to her completely. Sorry for the long story!!!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

@what am I to do

Very bitter words with lots of resentment towards your husband.

I feel sorry for you but in the other hand, your husband should be a more supportive husband for you.

Wish you recover from your back pain soon! Stay strong!


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

watt_hapnd said:


> I think i know how you must be feeling. Telling yourself that you will give him one more chance is another way of thinking that he will stop. This always happened to me too. I would always ask my H to prove to me that his relationship between him and this OW should end otherwise we wouldnt be able to carry on with our marriage. It never ever came to that point. I would always give in to him everytime he gave me an excuse to ensure that there was nothing going on.
> He would also tell me that he was not making contact with her but everytime i would go on FB and find her page she would have pictures of them both posted up and sweet little messages to him that she would always love him, no matter what.
> We fought almost every week and it always ended up about his infidelity.
> I thought he would change for the sake of our children or me or even our marriage overall but nothing ever did.
> ...


I am really sorry that you and your husband could not work things out. We look like we are on the road to recovery, but like I was saying to an old friend today, it is the knowing that they still talk, even if its just for work, it really bugs me that she can still let him know that she is there for him if he needs her. Hopefully time will make it better, he will need less and less to talk to her and won't feel like he needs to talk to her as often. I hope I am not just projecting something I would like, I sure hope it will really be like that. And hopefully I will be able to stay in this relationship as it is until it gets better (it's really hard) not knowing what he really is thinking when he thinks about her. One day you will meet a great person that deserves you and loves you with all of their being, when that day comes I wish you happiness and a long life together!


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

Thank you MsLonely, This injury, I have to live with for the rest of my life and its fine, I have learned to control the pain and be able to have a almost normal life. As for my husband, yes I do resent him for doing this to us. He is a true believer of no lies, I once lied to him about something fairly important and he was really upset with me (he never lies) so to have him lie and lie again to me is very hard to digest and the fact that he still does sometimes (he thinks their white lies, that its better not to tell me so not to hurt me) is killing all respect that i have for him. I still love him very much and want to be with him to grow old, but sometimes I think that maybe I just don't want to be alone ( I will be 50 very soon and he is 42 and the OW she just turned 50 (both of us look about 40) could that be why I am accepting all this. Time will tell me....


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

marleygirl said:


> my DH has had an affair for the last 18 months that started out as texting and talking friends. I have caught them 3 times now still texting and talking to her. I hope it is finally over but I have heard these lies before so I am very wary of them now. they work together and we have been trying to get one of them transfered with no luck so far. My advice to you is to report her. You will never see any peace as long as they work together. They will just keep falling back into thier old habits


Hey Marleygirl, you are so right, it is exactly what it feels like, she finds all kind of reasons to give him a call, send him an email or a text, always trying to bring the conversation on the personal side of things. My husband is a very good listener and that is probably how all this started, she was there for him and then him for her, but she fell in love and he says he did not, she left her husband thinking that one day they would be together, she still thinks that one day he will be back with her, that he will leave me... Thanks for your support!


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

*I should of listen to you guys from the beginning!!!!*

Hello again, well things were going pretty good, H is being very supportive, tells me everyday how much he loves me, he calls and text me all the time during the week while is on the road. We have spent good quality time together in the last few months. But I still don't trust him at all and always think that something is still going on...As time went by I figured that the attraction to the OW would be less and less and his attraction to me would be more and more.

We were just on a holiday the last two weeks and planning to buy a property in the states as he might be transferred to the states. So we are looking at investing together. And because we might need to move to US after 22 years together he will have to marry me for me to get my visa....how ironic.

Well guess what, while on the first night of our holiday I wasn't feeling very good, I went back to the room and got this urge to check if he was still carrying a baby picture of her in his work stuff....he is! As I was putting it back in place I felt this strange thing with the back of my hand and started to look for it. Found it well hidden in his computer bag...it was a usb key. I decided to check it out, if he hid it there was a reason. To my surprise or maybe not, I found porn of the OW with a bit of talking directed to my H. The last one was dated Jan 2011 and had been modified late Feb 2011, which mean it is recent and he was watch them. Furthermore some of them were made to fulfill his requests.

Stayed calm, went back down to meet him. Once he was asleep I look at all of them and started to plan my exit.

We are back at home and doing all the necessary step to buy the property in the state.

I am also expecting him to ask me to marry him on my 50th birthday.

On our first night of holiday he told me that there would be a sales meeting in may and that the OW would be there, just to give me a heads up. So I am planning to be at the hotel during the sales meeting.

Once we get everything in order for the new house, we will close the deal, I will then say yes to marrying him and go to the sales meeting and let him know on the second day of the meeting that like I told him in september that if ever I find out that something is still going on with them, which involves him (because I knew she would keep on trying) that I would be gone. SO on that morning I will let him know that I am out of this relationship and go away for a while. He can take care of the kids, the house, his work and everything else he cares about. I will disappear for a while.

I have not yet decided if I will let her know that I have a lot of stuff and evidence to make her life a complete disaster if she doesn't stay away...but who cares, the deserve each other.

The other decision I have to make is do I tell our kids about their dad's affair or do I just say I needed out? Don't know yet what to do about this.

Talking on this forum about my plan, my keep me from blurting it out to him right now, that I know the affair is still on. Wish me good luck!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

if its as u say/write.....

blessings & honor to u WAI2Do.

if u Divorce, well w/in yer rights.; fine.

if u stick it out, finer still.

if u forgive, finest of all.

read books/bible on forgiveness. u wont believe how much it'll 
bless u/empower u WHEN u carry on with whatever scenario.

shalom.........is avail to all.........


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The children , yes you tell them everything soon after you bust him. He has little of no respect for you and your relationship. The OW , copy of the USB stick, make a point of going up to her , preferably with others around and give her the stick, have a few explicite words ready. Her co-workers should know what a delightful person she is.

I suggest a break for as long as you need to decide what you want to do. He should move out and learn to behave, carry on with your plans for your future. You cannot marry him with this over your head he is not going to change overnight, it takes years to recover from an affair and marrying now will be a false indicator.
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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

what am I to do said:


> It seems to be a consensus from everyone that I should report her to head of HR. My h has a good job with the company, he loves what he does and we have lots of little perks because of it....I don't want him to loose his job. Somedays things are good between us, most time I manage to get over all this, but other time I have doubt about those two, today is one of those days Even if they weren't speaking to each other, will it ever be ok for us again, is there really a time that you can say ok all this is not bugging me anymore, I love my H and he loves me and we will be happy? Days like today I feel like I am the one that did something wrong not him, he seems to be good most of the time, like this never happened. But me, its always there, somewhere in the back of my mind, in something I read. Thanks for reading, I am babbling, but it feels good to say what I feel. Have a great superbowl everyone!


It really will not be ok until he tells her to get lost, period. If he is into his marriage, he will do that. You are his wife and it is your feelings he needs to be worried about, not hers! He is having his cake and eating it too. If you know who her H is, tell him, he has a right to know. It takes a very long time to get over this, and every new contact will open the wound and the healing has to start over. Please stand up for your self.


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## what am I to do (Jun 16, 2010)

I am getting closer to my chosen date to leave him. Someday I am wondering if this is the right thing to do. Maybe it's not what I think, maybe it is over. Then I take a look at the video evidence that I have and I know that it is really still going on and that he is making a fool of me. I have booked a 14 day trip for myself, I will be leaving as soon as I tell him that I know he is still involve with her and I can't accept that. I am really scared about the children and how they will react to this. That is if he has enough guts to tell them the truth about why I am not home. If not I will when I get back. Wish me luck!!!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do contact HR and let them know add onto the mix a few of their coworkers, assume your relationship is over and move on, stop worrying about his job when he dumps you for her you have no access to the perks and limited access to his money, it is rare they get fired.
Tell your children he will lie why be part of that lie.

Be firm on your path, don't blink on your journey, you will recover from this and of he is half the man he should be he will do everything to be with you, that final decision is yours.

Life is to short to be with someone you can't trust.
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