# Recently separated as of yesterday



## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

My wife and I are officially separated as of yesterday. Things hurt really bad. This is the 5th life changing event I had to deal with the past 3 years.

1. Three years ago my son was abused by the babysitter when he was less than two months old. He had 13 total broken bones in his body. Thankfully he was not hurt in the head. Actually I think he might be a genius. He uses better grammer than myself. We had to have family live with us for 5+ months. It was rough on my older son, let alone my wife and I. There was no evidence that exonerated us so we had to go threw a lot. We hired a lawyer and she was able to get "Experts" in to investigate the case. The experts set the police and social services straight and they have been pursuing a case the last 3 years. Recently the babysitter had the other kids removed. There was nothing anyone could do because she wasn't licensed. Still waiting for court.

2. I got the swine flu and was sick for a total of 21 missed days of work. Hospitalized for 8 days. Damn near died until they sucked out my lungs. Kind of hard when you spend all of your sick days fighting for your innocence.

3. My oldest son was hit by a truck on his bike in front of my wife and I. We were going to go to his b-day party at Chuckie-Cheese. We didn't actually see it, but heard it and he was no where in view. The truck kept on going, didn't even notice what had happened. He ended up flying 30 feet and landing in a driveway blocked from our view. I thought he was dead. He was unconscious for 5-10 minutes. He was helicoptered away, but ended up with only a concussion, broken collar bone, and a few scrapes. Plus the insurance company tried to get me to pay for the dent in the guy's truck. 

4. I received a DUI coming home from my friends wedding. I at least did this to myself. There were no hotels in the small town he was married in. Anyways I moped around for almost a year before it was dropped and that is why and other reasons I am now alone.

My wife got a new job last fall and I haven't seen much of her since. She literally works 80 hrs a week. We have been fighting because of it and other issues. I say really mean things when we fight which is horrible I know, but I don't mean them.

She refuses to quit the job. I have to drive 2 hours a day plus take care of the boys. I can easily support both of us. She says it is her only shot at having a career. She swears she is not cheating on me. I believe she isn't physically, but she is emotionally with some young guy she works with. she makes more of a mess around the house than she picks up and she has been getting constant overdrafts lately. we tried some marriage conseling, but a fight over the weekend has possible ended that.


I want her back more than anything. I just miss her so much. We have been through so much this kind of blind sided me how she could just be so cold towards me. That leads to me blowing up and doing things I later regret. What do I do?


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Oh my gosh, you have been through more than anyone should ever have to endure. Any one of those things is a total nightmare. I'm so sorry you've had to shoulder so much!! Your poor babies, I am VERY glad to know they are ok.

It sounds to me like your wife wants try something different. I don't mean to sound flip, but based on what you've said it's my humble opinion she's trying on a new life for size. Sadly that's what some people need to do in order to realize what they have is pretty good.

Begging and trying to make a logical argument most likely won't work I don't think. You might just need to let her ride this one out. Have you made sure she knows you love her and this is NOT what you want?


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

I have told her I loved her and that I don't want this.

We emailed all day today. I told her she could go back to school and do whatever she wanted for a career. I told her how I loved her.

I wasn't supposed to come home tonight, but I did anyways to change clothes. I was staining my brother and sister-in-laws deck. She is acting totally different tonight. I don't get it.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

She's probably very conflicted herself. And really, it's still your damn home. Don't feel bad for needing to change!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Yours is the test of the statement, that God don't put more on us than we can stand. The separation may stem from poor communication. I will be praying for your situation. You may want to wait till cooler heads prevail, before talking to her.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

If there is a god I'm wondering what his plan is for this poor guy!


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

staircase said:


> If there is a god I'm wondering what his plan is for this poor guy!


I was raised a Catholic and went to church my whole life until college. I quit going as much and not at all today. I still believe in God, but I have neglected him. I am making going to church a new priority in my life. I know going to church makes me feel better and it will help with my depression.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

staircase said:


> She's probably very conflicted herself. And really, it's still your damn home. Don't feel bad for needing to change!


Well she acted like she was happy to see me and told me I didn't have to stay at my brother's. She even said she looked at stuff for going back to school online. 
She was in a great mode until she went to the store and then came home with more emails from work. She was very irritated with everyone after that. She was working when I went to bed and then working when I got up. She looked very rough this morning.

She doesn't ever want to take advice from me. So I am just going to lay off the college thing or anything else and just give her encouragement. After reading this message board, space is definitely what she needs. I think she needs individual conseling as well.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> I was raised a Catholic and went to church my whole life until college. I quit going as much and not at all today. I still believe in God, but I have neglected him. I am making going to church a new priority in my life. I know going to church makes me feel better and it will help with my depression.


Good! I was raised in a VERY Catholic household. the church is a huge part of my parents' lives. Many people find solace and happiness within the church community.

Me on the other hand, not so much. I have been called a heathen by my father more than once. He now accepts it but he doesn't like it.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

After talking with my wife this morning and some internet research I have had an enlightenment. I realize now that I have been verbally abusing my wife and that I am solely the reason she wants to leave me, not all of this other stuff. After talking with her she said she can not stand the things I say to her. I looked up verbal abuse and I had no idea it was so destructive. If someone calls me a name I brush it off, but it hurts my wife badly. I don't blame her for any of this anymore. I think if I can prove to her I can change I may have another shot. I do deserve all of this pain.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> After talking with my wife this morning and some internet research I have had an enlightenment. I realize now that I have been verbally abusing my wife and that I am solely the reason she wants to leave me, not all of this other stuff. After talking with her she said she can not stand the things I say to her. I looked up verbal abuse and I had no idea it was so destructive. If someone calls me a name I brush it off, but it hurts my wife badly. I don't blame her for any of this anymore. I think if I can prove to her I can change I may have another shot. I do deserve all of this pain.


After reading the internet non-stop for the last few days I stumbled on the term Borderline personality disorder. Every symptom listed my wife seems to have and has had since I met her 13 years ago. I still realize that I am an ******* when we fight, but I also realize now that I was dealing with an unreasonable person. I have never fought with anyone before I met her. Not any family, co-workers, etc. I had the "not telling for privacy" nickname growing because I was so laid back. 

My son was recently diagnosed with ADHD and I then I was diagnosed with Adult ADD. So much makes sense to me now that I have been taking Strattera.

I have been so blind to everything. I don't know how I feel about our separation now. Can she be treated?

I know this seems like a soup-opera, but it is so true.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Yes, she can. People can be VERY well controlled on meds. The catch is they actually have to take their meds religiously and that's where a lot of people aren't properly treated.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

I just remembered that we had court-ordered Psych evaluations when our son was abused. We were mad that we had to do them and never read them. 

I just read them. The conclusion on my wife is that she likely has Histrionic Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Features.

I looked it up and I agree with it. 

I asked her where the report was and she wanted me to read some of it to her so I did. I emailed her the Histronic Personality Disorder term for her to look up on her own. Hopefully she will.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

Just read 530 text messages to her boyfriend saying how much she loves him and misses him. Yet she isn't "cheating on me" after I confronted her. The guy is 22 and she is 32, what a joke. After living 15 years with a phycotic I am done.


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

530 text messages in one month?

Don't call her names, you'll kick yourself later if you do.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

I feel the lowest I ever had. I guess there is only one direction to go from here. That is up. 

I feel so lonely like I want just any warm caring person next me. I feel so bad for my boys. I just want to wakeup from this horrible nightmare.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

So here is where I am at right now. My wife took some of her stuff and moved out to live with her lover. She is having a platonic relationship with him only. I have agreed to share the boys every other day in our house. The lover is not supposed to come into our home.

I have been reading the "love must be tough" book, but I am confused what to do. Last night we talked and I told her that I still loved her and was moving forward. If she wanted to come back I would forgive her, but we would have to get counseling together to work on our broken marriage. I haven't talked to her since and sent her a email link on writing up a legal separation document. Am I doing the right thing.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> So here is where I am at right now. My wife took some of her stuff and moved out to live with her lover. She is having a platonic relationship with him only. I have agreed to share the boys every other day in our house. The lover is not supposed to come into our home.
> 
> I have been reading the "love must be tough" book, but I am confused what to do. Last night we talked and I told her that I still loved her and was moving forward. If she wanted to come back I would forgive her, but we would have to get counseling together to work on our broken marriage. I haven't talked to her since and sent her a email link on writing up a legal separation document. Am I doing the right thing.


Yip, you are doing the right thing. If she wants her boy toy, let her have him. Get the sep agreement and let her know that there is a term on how long you are willing to wait around for her. Sorry, I know this sounds cruel, but it seems like the only way you can move on. Oh, and by the way - "a platonic relationship?" And they are living together! Do you really believe that? What possible advantage to you think a boy of 22 would have with a 32 year old woman if it isn't for sex among other things? I dunno man, I call BS on her. Sorry. You will get past this as it seems you have been through so many worse things already. Hang in there.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Yip, you are doing the right thing. If she wants her boy toy, let her have him. Get the sep agreement and let her know that there is a term on how long you are willing to wait around for her. Sorry, I know this sounds cruel, but it seems like the only way you can move on. Oh, and by the way - "a platonic relationship?" And they are living together! Do you really believe that? What possible advantage to you think a boy of 22 would have with a 32 year old woman if it isn't for sex among other things? I dunno man, I call BS on her. Sorry. You will get past this as it seems you have been through so many worse things already. Hang in there.


I meant to say that she says she is only having a platonic relationship. I don't know whether to believe her or not. The guy she is with said he is patiently waiting in one of his texts. I told here she is going to have to choose between me or him. She keeps trying to tell me nothing is going on with him and there shouldn't have to be a choice. 
She then said she choose not to be with me and told me to move on. She is very hard headed and has never lost any argument in her mind. I guess I am moving forward and she is going to have to find her own place in town. Then before I quit talking I asked her how she is going to explain leaving my for a 22 year old and she continues to deny he has anything to do with it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> I meant to say that she says she is only having a platonic relationship. I don't know whether to believe her or not. The guy she is with said he is patiently waiting in one of his texts. I told here she is going to have to choose between me or him. She keeps trying to tell me nothing is going on with him and there shouldn't have to be a choice.
> She then said she choose not to be with me and told me to move on. She is very hard headed and has never lost any argument in her mind. I guess I am moving forward and she is going to have to find her own place in town. Then before I quit talking I asked her how she is going to explain leaving my for a 22 year old and she continues to deny he has anything to do with it.


OK, if she says so about the other guy but 530 text messages doesn't sound like nothing to me so did you bring that up? Man, I am sorry you are going through this like so many of us on here. If you feel like you are at a place where you can be better off on without her, then do what is in your heart. In a way, you are lucky you do not have kids as a factor. If she told you to move on than give her what she wants. Think of it as her giving you your freedom. I know that's probably not the way you wanted it, but it's OK. She will only do the same with her next relationship when she gets tired of it.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> OK, if she says so about the other guy but 530 text messages doesn't sound like nothing to me so did you bring that up? Man, I am sorry you are going through this like so many of us on here. If you feel like you are at a place where you can be better off on without her, then do what is in your heart. In a way, you are lucky you do not have kids as a factor. If she told you to move on than give her what she wants. Think of it as her giving you your freedom. I know that's probably not the way you wanted it, but it's OK. She will only do the same with her next relationship when she gets tired of it.


I do have kids, that is a big reason I am trying to save this.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> I do have kids, that is a big reason I am trying to save this.



Yes, I am really sorry man, I don't know what I was thinking on my last post. I know you had all those bad things happen to you including you son getting hit by a car. I am really sorry for posting that question.

I think that working 80 hours a week when she has kids is not a good idea. She said she cut off the other guy but did you ask her about the 530 text messages? Or are you worried that she will be even more pissed if she thinks you are spying on her personal business with regards to the texts? If she is still texting with this guy, I wouldn't be agraid or concerned about letting her know you are aware of it. You are worried about the kids, that's understandable, but you should also take care of yourself for your kids sake. It isn't good for them to be around a toxic relationship. I really hope you can find some peace and moments of calm in all this mess. Only you can decide where you want to take this; if you think she is being honest about the other guy, cut her some slack, she is working to better herself. If you feel as if she is stringing you along and is still in an EA with this other guy, then step up and confront her about the texting. Hopefully you have some proof of these texts, or you are absolutely sure they are what you think they are or this will throw her completely to the other side. I wish you the best.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Look up the " doing a 180" and "how to fight an affair "

She is in a big time fantasy and it will only be a matter of time before she comes crawling back, it may take some time for her to get out of the fog, but if you do the research you can get her out sooner then later.

I suggest #1, you make this affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible. Stop letting her have the kids at OM home, expose it to thier employer with the "I love you text". In addition show these text messeges to her family and ask them for there support in repairing the marriage.

Again there is a few more avenues you can take to push her away, in what I mean is the more you push the harder it will be on her.

See, it was all fun and games and the taboo thrill of having a lover and a husband was all good. Now that you confronted her and it is all out in the open it will no longer be exciting, it will be shameful and a distructive reality that her behavior is breaking up a marriage.

No matter if its not a PA and she keeps insisting that nothing is going on (which is BS) you still have the evidence that she loves some one other then her husband.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> Look up the " doing a 180" and "how to fight an affair "
> 
> She is in a big time fantasy and it will only be a matter of time before she comes crawling back, it may take some time for her to get out of the fog, but if you do the research you can get her out sooner then later.
> 
> ...


Here is what I wrote in an email to my wife.

"I want you to move back in with me full time and completely end your relationship with you friend or we will proceed to move to a divorce."

I don't have any of her texts, I should have forwarded them to myself. I think they can be obtained with a court order though.

In Wisconsin adultery is a felony as well.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

She is dodging the choice I offered her saying that I am giving her an ultimatum. She is in such denial that she is in a relationship. I talked with a lawyer today and she thought given the circumstances that in 3-4 weeks I would maintain the house and the kids after I file for separation at at court hearing.

Do I tell her this or just file a separation paper? The seperation paper is going to cost me $190 to do it myself or $700 to have the lawyer do it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> She is dodging the choice I offered her saying that I am giving her an ultimatum. She is in such denial that she is in a relationship. I talked with a lawyer today and she thought given the circumstances that in 3-4 weeks I would maintain the house and the kids after I file for separation at at court hearing.
> 
> Do I tell her this or just file a separation paper? The seperation paper is going to cost me $190 to do it myself or $700 to have the lawyer do it.


Yes, you are giving her ultimatum! So which one is it? You and move in or the other guy?

How's that for an answer to her dodging? I would consider the sep but be careful how you word it if you do it yourself. That is if she doesn't answer your "ultimatum" favorably.

Just my thought on it.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Yes, you are giving her ultimatum! So which one is it? You and move in or the other guy?
> 
> How's that for an answer to her dodging? I would consider the sep but be careful how you word it if you do it yourself. That is if she doesn't answer your "ultimatum" favorably.
> 
> Just my thought on it.


So I made her choose last night. She wanted to separate with me agreeing to a 50/50 split of the boys. I said I am not agreeing to that. It is either try to work it out and dump the other guy or a separation and let the courts decide everything. She kept saying that I am holding the kids as ransom to keep her. She thinks she is not in the wrong whatsoever. So after a brief discussion she said she chooses the kids over the over guy. I said fine, we will go to counseling to work on our relationship them. 
The rest of the night she sulked and acted all pissed off. I went to bed first and then she came in for the first time in a long time and move close to me. I made the mistake of putting my arm on her back and she told me not to touch her. I moved to the other side of the bed. In the middle of the night she moved over towards me and started rubbing my arm. I asked her about it this morning and she flatly denied doing it. I then asked if she was going to two parties this weekend with me. She said no, she wasn't. I told her that she has to come back all the way or not come back at all. She preceded to act like the victim again. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. So I said I am going to visit my lawyer today and get the separation. She kept saying that I was using the kids to trap her. I said that she choose for the past 6 months not to be with the kids and that was her problem when it came to custody. I also said that I didn't want my sons and her boyfriend fighting over toys together. He is 22 and my son is 8. I know that was immature but I wanted to prove my point.

Anyways I am moving forward and filing the separation today. I am not going to talk to her any more. I can not win a word arguement with her. I am just going to state that I am moving on. Am I overreacting? Am I using the kids as ransom?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> So I made her choose last night. She wanted to separate with me agreeing to a 50/50 split of the boys. I said I am not agreeing to that. It is either try to work it out and dump the other guy or a separation and let the courts decide everything. She kept saying that I am holding the kids as ransom to keep her. She thinks she is not in the wrong whatsoever. So after a brief discussion she said she chooses the kids over the over guy. I said fine, we will go to counseling to work on our relationship them.
> The rest of the night she sulked and acted all pissed off. I went to bed first and then she came in for the first time in a long time and move close to me. I made the mistake of putting my arm on her back and she told me not to touch her. I moved to the other side of the bed. In the middle of the night she moved over towards me and started rubbing my arm. I asked her about it this morning and she flatly denied doing it. I then asked if she was going to two parties this weekend with me. She said no, she wasn't. I told her that she has to come back all the way or not come back at all. She preceded to act like the victim again. She doesn't think she did anything wrong. So I said I am going to visit my lawyer today and get the separation. She kept saying that I was using the kids to trap her. I said that she choose for the past 6 months not to be with the kids and that was her problem when it came to custody. I also said that I didn't want my sons and her boyfriend fighting over toys together. He is 22 and my son is 8. I know that was immature but I wanted to prove my point.
> 
> Anyways I am moving forward and filing the separation today. I am not going to talk to her any more. I can not win a word arguement with her. I am just going to state that I am moving on. Am I overreacting? Am I using the kids as ransom?


Wow! Well, from your post it sounds as if she is still conflicted about bailing out - but she still wants to. It sounds like she is emotionally torn. Rubbing your arm at night, even sleeping in the same bed with you is rather odd. I mean, if she is so adament about seperating, I would think she would rather sleep on a couch so it is odd to me that she even went into the same room with you. Anyway, my thought on this might be something you would not prefer to hear but quite honestly, yeah, you are sort of holding her for ransom. I am in no way saying what she is doing to you and your family isn't awful, it is. But consider this for a moment - from her perspective the ultimatum you are giving her is comparable to asking her to choose between her children and and her happiness. So essentially, she is being forced to give up her new dreams and happiness because her children are part of her and her treasure in her life. Unfortunately, you aren't part of that happiness; she will resent you for it and living with someone who resents you is impossible - you will be more miserable than you are right now. So it is perfectly understandable that she is feeling that she will have to live a miserable existance with you in order to keep her kids.

What I meant in my previous post was not to hold her captive so she can be with you - that is counterproductive and a horrible way for both of you to live. What I meant was to let her chose which one of you she wanted to be with and cut her lose if she chooses the other.

Also, it isn't right for you to use the kids as pawns to make her stay. That is wrong on both counts, for the children and their mother. No, my friend, in my opinion you need to let her go if that is what she truly wants, and you need to let the kids be with their mother 50/50. I know it sounds like a rotten deal and you are getting scr***wed but that is just the way these miserable separations and divorces go - there is nothing good about them.

So, it's just my thought on this - I would give her what she wants, move on with your life by working to be a better person. Learn from this experience. If you would rather her not stay there, then don't let her if she if f'kn around with this other guy. While my opinion is just one of many you will get on here, I think you would be doing a disservice to your children to not see their mother. One thing though, you do have the right to tell her that as long as you two are married you will not accept her having the kids around the OM - that is her problem if she doesn't like it but I would put my foot down and stand my ground on that. Tough sh**t for her at that point. The kids won't benefit from that at all.

BTW, your gut instincts where right on about the texts. I take it when she fessed up to it you were even more pissed because she kept thinking you would be a fool and not know. Good for you! There are ways that you can cope with all of this and time will teach you how. It will get better than you can even imagine right now. There are actually women out there who are loving and commited to one man forever - you just have to find her if this doesn't work out for you, she's out there. Just don't rush into anything. I wish you the best.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Wow! Well, from your post it sounds as if she is still conflicted about bailing out - but she still wants to. It sounds like she is emotionally torn. Rubbing your arm at night, even sleeping in the same bed with you is rather odd. I mean, if she is so adament about seperating, I would think she would rather sleep on a couch so it is odd to me that she even went into the same room with you. Anyway, my thought on this might be something you would not prefer to hear but quite honestly, yeah, you are sort of holding her for ransom. I am in no way saying what she is doing to you and your family isn't awful, it is. But consider this for a moment - from her perspective the ultimatum you are giving her is comparable to asking her to choose between her children and and her happiness. So essentially, she is being forced to give up her new dreams and happiness because her children are part of her and her treasure in her life. Unfortunately, you aren't part of that happiness; she will resent you for it and living with someone who resents you is impossible - you will be more miserable than you are right now. So it is perfectly understandable that she is feeling that she will have to live a miserable existance with you in order to keep her kids.
> 
> What I meant in my previous post was not to hold her captive so she can be with you - that is counterproductive and a horrible way for both of you to live. What I meant was to let her chose which one of you she wanted to be with and cut her lose if she chooses the other.
> 
> ...


Well I didn't say she wouldn't have the kids. She wants to have the kids every other night at his place and I don't want that and I know the judge won't allow it. He lives 20 minutes away in another town. I told her 50/50 in town. In here own apartment.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

Well I set her free.

She agreed to get an apartment in town. We are going to split the boys 50/50. I asked her not not to contact me much and keep it business like and she agreed.

I am going to 2 parties tonight and tomorrow. I am so lonely, what are the rules about hooking up with someone? I need some self confidence. I know someone that is going and she used to like me in High School and flirts with me every time I see her and she is single. I won't do anything, but am I a free man or not?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> Well I set her free.
> 
> She agreed to get an apartment in town. We are going to split the boys 50/50. I asked her not not to contact me much and keep it business like and she agreed.
> 
> I am going to 2 parties tonight and tomorrow. I am so lonely, what are the rules about hooking up with someone? I need some self confidence. I know someone that is going and she used to like me in High School and flirts with me every time I see her and she is single. I won't do anything, but am I a free man or not?


Good that she is getting her own place and the kids won't be around the OM when with her.

As for the hook-up. I dunno, it sounds like it's too soon. And are you OK, and is the high school friend OK with being a rebound relationship. I guess it just means that you need to know that this new woman you are thinking about meeting should not turn into a LTR. There is no way you have let go of all emotions so quickly about your marriage breakup and it wouldn't be fair to the OW if she was looking for a new serious relationship other than a "hook-up"

Now, if her intentions are the same as yours, I would say that for all practical purposes, yes you are single. Have fun at the party - just gaurd your heart!

Men have different needs and different views post breakup so I understand where you are coming from. IMHO, yes you are single at this point.

BTW, you need to also be aware of local laws in your area pertainining to divorce/sep. Some states still consider adultery a crime and illegal until a legal sep or divorce is filed. If your ex finds out about your little fling were it to happen, it could be a serious problem for you during D proceedings. I hate to throw this out there but I am just recommending you do a little research before jumping into an intimate relationship. It would be terrible if this impacted your custody of the kids. Sorry to put that thought in your head. You deserve at least a little bit of happiness.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> Well I set her free.
> 
> She agreed to get an apartment in town. We are going to split the boys 50/50. I asked her not not to contact me much and keep it business like and she agreed.
> 
> I am going to 2 parties tonight and tomorrow. I am so lonely, what are the rules about hooking up with someone? I need some self confidence. I know someone that is going and she used to like me in High School and flirts with me every time I see her and she is single. I won't do anything, but am I a free man or not?


That is good that she will have a place... for awhile when W and I separated she was staying at a friends house, even on days when she had our son... I am glad she has her own place now, I know atleast their is a semblance of a home when he's away from "my" home.

You definitely must not put your sons in the middle, they didn't do anything to deserve this and now have enough grief on their own plates to contend with, you need to protect them and make sure they have some security.

As to dating, I too wanted some sort of confidence boost right away, I'd been lonely for so long. It is a real sense of rejection and that is traumatizing. I put out feelers early on, an upfront and honest ad on a dating website, but so far haven't really pursued anything, and hid my profile. But there are some possible options - I decided though that I'm not going to depend on that for validation and get the D first before actively looking for another mate. Just be true to yourself if it is making you stronger or is just an outlet for your frustration, if the former than I don't think friendly dating is a bad idea, but its way too soon for a healthy sexual relationship.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

Lon said:


> That is good that she will have a place... for awhile when W and I separated she was staying at a friends house, even on days when she had our son... I am glad she has her own place now, I know atleast their is a semblance of a home when he's away from "my" home.
> 
> You definitely must not put your sons in the middle, they didn't do anything to deserve this and now have enough grief on their own plates to contend with, you need to protect them and make sure they have some security.
> 
> As to dating, I too wanted some sort of confidence boost right away, I'd been lonely for so long. It is a real sense of rejection and that is traumatizing. I put out feelers early on, an upfront and honest ad on a dating website, but so far haven't really pursued anything, and hid my profile. But there are some possible options - I decided though that I'm not going to depend on that for validation and get the D first before actively looking for another mate. Just be true to yourself if it is making you stronger or is just an outlet for your frustration, if the former than I don't think friendly dating is a bad idea, but its way too soon for a healthy sexual relationship.


Thanks for the advice Lon, I didn't have a clue. Like I said I don't think I would do anything anyway. I have never cheated on her. It doesn't seem right.

My wife is adamant that she hasn't slept or even kissed the other Guy and she doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. She is going to go to counseling soon about her Histronic Personality disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder. Hopefully she gets what she needs. Maybe that will change the status of our relationship.

I don't want to have any hope because that seems to get me in trouble. I just have to keep telling myself it is over. Prepare for the worst.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> Thanks for the advice Lon, I didn't have a clue. Like I said I don't think I would do anything anyway. I have never cheated on her. It doesn't seem right.
> 
> My wife is adamant that she hasn't slept or even kissed the other Guy and she doesn't believe she has done anything wrong. She is going to go to counseling soon about her Histronic Personality disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder. Hopefully she gets what she needs. Maybe that will change the status of our relationship.
> 
> I don't want to have any hope because that seems to get me in trouble. I just have to keep telling myself it is over. Prepare for the worst.


Oh no, the HPD... when I found out about her A I found a comment on a psychology forum that described living with a wife who has HPD and it described exactly how I was feeling (though not necessarily saying she had a personality disorder, but there possibly was some histrionics going on). Anyway I made the mistake of telling her this and it didn't sit well, maybe was the tidbit that she used to convince herself R wasn't an option.

Anyways at this point for you definitely prepare for the worst, and listen to your W's actions more than words, if not to save your M, than just to improve yourself.


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## Justnewlyseperated (Jul 6, 2011)

The W just told me that she did sleep with the guy once. The reason she told me is because she has Chlamydia and that I might have it. I thought she was back to her sense this weekend. It turns out she just keeps lying. I doubt she just slept with him once, either.

Life just keeps getting better for me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Justnewlyseperated said:


> The W just told me that she did sleep with the guy once. The reason she told me is because she has Chlamydia and that I might have it. I thought she was back to her sense this weekend. It turns out she just keeps lying. I doubt she just slept with him once, either.
> 
> Life just keeps getting better for me.


So much for 'platonic relationship'.

Get tested for STDs ASAP and then file immediately for divorce - not separation - on the grounds of adultery.

She has just proven to you that she not only is willing to risk her life but yours as well. She cannot be trusted, let her go.


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