# My new husband never wants to make love to me



## Jsigler20 (Nov 19, 2014)

I've heard that couples stop having much sex after they've been married for a while, but my husband and I wanted until we were married and have only been married for a month, but we rarely have sex. He's always too tired from work or he wants to watch TV and then by the time his favorite shows are over, he falls asleep. That happened tonight and he kept saying that he wasn't going to sleep and he said that we'd do it tonight, but then he kept saying that we couldn't do it yet because Everybody loves Raymond or King of queens was on, then, after spending 20 minutes saying that he want going to sleep, he feel asleep. I got really upset and started crying a lot and eventually he woke up and got mad at me for crying. I tried to explain to him why I was upset, not because I wanted sex and he wouldn't give it to me, but because he promised that he wasn't going to sleep and that he always had some reason not to do anything. It hurts my feelings. Normal guys want sex all the time. When we started dating, he wanted sex, but now that he can have it, he doesn't want it. What's wrong with me that he doesn't want to have sex with his own wife? And it hurts my feelings when he says one thing and then does the opposite. Is he didn't want to have sex and if he really was going to sleep, he should have said so. It also hurts that he tells at me every time I cry about something. How are you gonna hurt my feelings and then yell at me and get mad when I stay crying? I don't know what to do. Talking doesn't seem to work cause he always says stiff about how he works all the time and acts like I don't care about that and gets mad that I don't have a job and he makes new feel bad about that. I don't even like sex physically, I just want the intimacy and he only kisses me for more than a second or two when we do it, but it's like he doesn't want me when he always has some reason or excuse not to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok you are 20 years old.

Why is your husband tired all the time?


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## Jsigler20 (Nov 19, 2014)

I'm 20 and he's 25. He works a lot, so he gets tired, but a couple days a week he only works at one job, so he shouldn't be as tired today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a day is he working? 

What hours of the day does he work?

When a person works long hours it can take several days to recuperate.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

He's working multiple jobs and you don't work? Are you looking for a job? I think he probably IS tired. He probably also resents the fact that he is working (how many jobs?) and you aren't. That's a lot of pressure to be the only source of income for your family, especially if you're having to work multiple jobs to do it. Do you keep the house running smoothly? Clean? Cook?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Possibilities:

You waited until marriage to have sex. He got used to taking care of himself or has someone on the side.

He works two jobs and is too tired to have sex.

He knows you don't enjoy sex and that doesn't get him enthused about it.

He resents having to work two jobs when you don't work outside the house.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

I was in the same boat. He keot saying it was stress if this or that. 3 years later and he's still too stressed for sex. Don't wait this long!


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Jsigler20 said:


> He's always too tired from work or he wants to watch TV and then by the time his favorite shows are over, he falls asleep. That happened tonight and he kept saying that he wasn't going to sleep and he said that we'd do it tonight, but then he kept saying that we couldn't do it yet because Everybody loves Raymond or King of queens was on, then, after spending 20 minutes saying that he want going to sleep, he feel asleep. _Posted via Mobile Device_




This is me!! Those are even the shows we watch.... Creepy. 

No advice. Just sympathies. My husband pulls that same crap on me all the time. "I'm not going to fall asleep, I just want to watch one episode." 2 minutes later. :sleeping:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Do you have a digital recorder? Can you set it to record his favorite shows while you put on another kind of show for him?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Could he be gay? Someone on the side?


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

OK, I've read all your threads now, Jsigler20, so think I have an idea what's going on. Please tell me if you think it might be true.


You've been married about 1 month
Your H is working 2 jobs, to try to earn enough to allow you two to move out of the basement
One of those jobs is a better job that he's just started
You're lonely all day waiting for him to get home
You've been dating him since Feb this year. You waited til you married to have sex, so you're learning the ropes still
Your H is on probation, I'm guessing legal type probation

Have you heard of the life stress scale? Check here

From a quick check I get your H's score (and probably yours too) at over 300, that's the highest level it can be. You have both had some very major life changes in the last year. It means you're both more likely to get sick or have an accident, because your body can only manage so much at a time. Even good changes, like getting engaged and married are stressful! Even Christmas scores on there!

You and your H have both married quite young, and have not necessarily learned too much yet about how to live life out on your own. I get that you've probably had a lot to deal with before now, I had a pretty difficult childhood myself. I've read your posts so far and what I see in there is that you are still learning. There's a lot to learn, and good on you reaching out here to find out more from the many people here. 

Your H is probably having just as many issues as you are settling into the new situation you're both in, but with his 2 jobs he doesn't have much downtime to think, reflect, talk to friends about any concerns he might have. And guys don't do that as well as women do, so he might need your help with that. 

It may well be that when he gets in the door you are so pleased to see him that he doesn't get that little break he's looking for to help him de-stress a bit. That could be partly why he's finding peace in some familiar comforts like TV shows. He's had a lot of changes to deal with, he's tired and stressed. Even newly married men can feel too tired and stressed to want sex, particularly if the sex could be causing a bit of stress as well.

Remember you promised to love him through all these things, so remember that when he comes in the door. If you want to feel loved, maybe offer him a big hug when he gets in, then see what he'd like to do, and let him watch TV if he wants to?

It''s all new and a bit stressful all round. Ease into it, find out what you both want to do of an evening, and take the time to enjoy each other. After all that's why you married. 

Good luck OP. You have a long life ahead of you. Keep it easy now, love your H, and help him settle in as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nothing on TV is that interesting. Dump that zombie and find a human being.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does any man get married with the expectation that he won't be working? When I was born, I looked down and saw a penis. It was clear to me back then that I'd be going to work. Been working two jobs for the past 22 years but I'm still a guy and I'm not turning down sex, especially not turning it down so I can watch TV. If I'm turning down sex, you might as well call the coroner.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When he walks in the door do you unload your day on him? Or does he unload his day on you? Are you a source of comfort? An oasis? Or are you just another stressor?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

Outside of medical conditions, there is no excuse that holds water to deny your spouse sex, unless you don't love them anymore. Men need sex to feel emotionally close and women need to feel emotionally close to enjoy sex. Too tired to enjoy pleasurable intimacy with your spouse is a crock, especially in your 20's? Couples still stay together, but I've always believed when sex becomes a burden, the marriage is over. You're just good friends.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Now, now, all you negative Nancies, let's be understanding. The poor girl JUST got married and you're all telling her it's over. Sad!!! How would you feel if someone told you that just because you were having difficulty in your very young, very first beginnings of your oh-so-perfect marriages? C'mon now, I can't stand how the answer to so many sex questions on this forum are "it's over, dump him/her" as if it's a high-school fling, that's so insensitive. This is someone's MARRIAGE we're talking about.

OP: It's not over. It sounds like he's in a rut. Us men, especially someone in his shoes, can get into a "heads-down" routine where all we're capable of is working, eating, sleeping. I bet he doesn't socialize with his friends much either, do you think that's simply because their friendships are over? No, he's simply stressed out, people get stressed!! I know that sex is difficult to initiate or to accept when I'm legitimately tired or stress, same for her, we've gone a longggg time without it, and I assure you my lady and I have NO issues of the sort. People's state of emotion fluctuates, and RAPIDLY at our ages (I'm 28, she's 25) and especially in the early stages of marriage.

Here's my advice: Think about some of the things you know he loves. Situate some of those things in some kind of a romantic way (but don't look like you're trying too hard or forcing anything) for him to come home to. For example, if his favorite dinner is chicken parm, make him chicken parm tonight and have it *almost* ready when he gets home. If he's got a particular favorite type of movie, like gangster movies, rent a gangster movie tonight. If he's got a favorite genre of music, or a particular favorite artist, have it playing when he gets home. Clean the crap out of your house, make it smell good, light good smelling candles around (but not a million to where it looks like you're summoning spirits), and make him feel like he is walking into his warm, comfortable sanctuary that he chooses to share with his beautiful, loving, nurturing wife that HE CHOSE to marry for a reason. Remind him of those reasons, gently.

Then, once you can tell he's in a comfortable place and you've been having playful, jovial, light-hearted conversation, have a few laughs together, maybe a glass of wine, and talk to him. Talk about how happy you are to be married to him, how you are so excited to spend your life with him, how communication and honest are going to be key for a long, successful, fruitful marriage, and that you feel it's only fair to communicate to him your feelings regarding sex because he deserves to know how you feel, and you're interested in how he feels too. Let him talk, you WILL learn something, and I'm willing to bet he doesn't realize you feel this strongly about it either. If the conversation doesn't go the way you want, don't cry, it may frustrate him and will break your spirit.

Now, here's my dose of reality. He may be completely un-receptive to this, and then in that case, yes, I'd agree, there's a bigger problem here. I would think any reasonable human being would at the very least listen to what you have to say.

Best of luck to you, I hope it works out.


Side note, I took that stress test on that site, was completely honest, I even unchecked some things, and I scored 413 

Sad part is.....I believe it. My life is not enjoyable right now, but that's off topic.


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