# Never Enough Sexually



## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

H and I have been together for almost 10 years, the first of which were rocky. I had just divorced and he was still going through a divorce when we met. We were both emotionally raw and really leaned on each other. We went through some tough times, unexpected pregnancy, him being unfaithful and me going back to school for my Masters Degree, but somehow we made it and I still love him. My ex-husband was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive so it was hard for me at times when it came to starting over, but my H is gentle and quiet and the opposite of violent. He is my best friend and I love almost everything about him. I wouldn't be where I am if it wasnt for him and I tell him that. But the last few years, he has slowly become insecure and demanding and needy. 

Years ago when we had our problems, I was the one who was needy. He would tell me he couldn't find me friends and hobbies outside of the home, it was up to me to do it. I started focusing on my education and career and really taking care of myself and it seems he has now become needy and clingy. In the beginning we had sex everyday often times multiple times each day. We also worked evenings and our child wasn't born yet (he is 8 now). My sex drive most certainly isn't what it used to be, but I am still very attracted to him and I still love having sex with him, just not as much as he wants it. He started out saying that it was the fact he would get his hopes up and then I would let him down if I said no. So I started being upfront about my sexual plans so he didn't feel lead on. During the week, it is hard for me with my schedule and I have never had a lot of physical stamina, but on the weekends we can usually have sex a couple of times. We kept track for a few months and we were averaging 10 -12 times per month, but that still wasn't enough. 

Then he said it was frequency, he needed it every 3 days. I tried to keep up with that, but honestly, I have a hard time feeling forced to schedule sex. I would be fine with once or twice a week, he would be happy with everyday. I have tried to be more receptive, but it is difficult when I know that if I say no it will be an argument, or he will pout and sulk and refuse to speak to me. 

This week we had sex on Monday and on Wednesday he started hinting, so Thursday morning I got up with plans for an evening together (I even shaved my legs - lol - I hate doing that during the week!) We had a great night- and great sex together! Friday I wasn't feeling well, my son had strep and I thought I might be coming down with it and I was trying to cook hubby a cake he has been wanting. He started hinting again, and I told him I was tired and wasnt feeling well. His response was the usual, except there was no argument this time. But of course we did argue about it today because he was still pouting. We could have had a great weekend together. 

I feel like if I give an inch, he takes a mile and it feels unfair. He often reads the posts on here and texts me the links to look at. I know one can argue both sides, but I see no way to resolve this. He said it was getting his hopes up and then let down, so I started being open about sexual intentions because he said if he knew I didn't intend to have sex with him on a given day ahead of time, then he could handle it. Then it was frequency, so I started doing quickies and we averaged 10-12 times per month, but we would still argue when I said no. And then he said he needed it every 3 days. Now he says it is because he feels rejected when I say no. His expectations are always changing and I am tired and overwhelmed. 

I don't want to go through another divorce, I could love him the rest of my life, but I am feeling so oppressed and pressured that I don't know how much more I can take. I have buried both my parents in the last 12 months and when he actually said "Life Happens", and that sex should still be a priority. We have been to counseling. He does a lot around the house and with our son because I work more hours, and I appreciate it but I just don't know which way to go anymore. I'm tired. Sorry for the long post, I felt like I needed to include details for everyone to understand. Any thoughts are appreciated. I am not on here to bad mouth him, because he is a good person and a good provider. If it wasn't for this issue, we would probably never have a cross word between us.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Please break this up into paragraphs. It is very hard to follow otherwise.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

Hope that helps.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

How did your last marriage end and what did you do to recover from or deal with that abuse?


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

I left him. I have been to counseling, self help books, research, education, etc.... For awhile, I worked with and helped other battered women, but had to leave due to burn out. I even worked with some offenders in an attempt to desensitize which worked for the most part. It was a nasty divorce and I struggled for many years emotionally.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

So....how do think that damage plays in relation to your expectation of intimacy today with your new hubby? He's, in your words, FAR FAR different. Maybe he's too different? Is he too gentle for you and now it's not playing out exactly that way? To me it sounds like he was trying to 'fix' and coddle you before and now he's not and you can't make the adjustment.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

Hmmmm, I think it does have some effect. When I feel like I am being pressured or forced, I tend to withdraw. But I think you might want to read again....he didn't fix or coddle me, he was unfaithful and I went through my pregnancy alone. Then when we did work things out, he liked to go play golf and dinner with the guys which was fine, but I didn't like being left at home alone, so I started finding things to occupy my time. I went back to school and took up reading and research. He has never coddled me. He doesn't know how. My mother had only been dead 2 weeks and he told me I had grieved enough, it was time to get back to life (to us). Im okay with that, I have learned to take care of myself emotionally for the most part.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

I really feel like I adapted to taking care of myself, because he didn't know how to be there emotionally the way I wanted him to, but he doesn't like how I am now. He wants me to still be needy but on his terms. For example, he got mad at me the day I buried my father because he was ready to leave and I wasn't because we both had to work the next day and we were a few hours from home. I dont get to see my family but a couple of times each year.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi faith ~

If he often reads on here, then send him the link to your thread and encourage him to post his point of view.

From your post, he sounds somewhat controlling and unemotional as well as needy - especially in not wanting to let you stay around family after your parent died. Do you perceive this in him, or just a general neediness?

What things outside of sex do you do on a daily basis to let him know that you care about him? What kinds of things do you think he would like you to do?

Do you ever initiate sex or intimacy or touching?

What things does he do on a daily basis to let you know that he cares about you? What kinds of things would you like him to do?

Best wishes.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi faith ~
> 
> If he often reads on here, then send him the link to your thread and encourage him to post his point of view.
> 
> ...


We talk on the phone most days during the day and/or text. We are both smokers but don't smoke in our home so every evening we sit on the front porch after dinner and talk. I initiate sex but its rare because I feel like the more I initiate the more the wants it. Sometimes I feel like he's controlling, but for the most part, I feel there is a neediness there.
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

faithnhope said:


> We talk on the phone most days during the day and/or text. We are both smokers but don't smoke in our home so every evening we sit on the front porch after dinner and talk. I initiate sex but its rare because I feel like the more I initiate the more the wants it. Sometimes I feel like he's controlling, but for the most part, I feel there is a neediness there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really feel like I was needy and I had to adapt to what he was willing to give me emotionally. I learned in the process that we have to make ourselves happy if we are going to be happy with others. To me, marriage is about 2 people who choose to share their life together and commit to each other. But there is a difference in sharing your life with someone and depending on someone to meet all your needs all the time. There has to be a balance. (Family, kids, jobs, socialization, hobbies, etc)
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

michzz said:


> If he feels unsatisfied sexually, this theory doesn't work. Who else is supposed to rely on?
> 
> If I were to guess, the more you pull away the more he approaches you for sex. And the more you pull away.
> 
> You two are in a risky downward spiral.


You are absolutely correct
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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The living results of the "180".

Is it possible you are now in the stage where you have detached a bit emotionally? If he gets an emotional connection from sex, he may be trying to get it back. But the age old story... you may need emotional connection before you can step into that role. 

Only thing I would suggest is dating. Read a few books. The Five Love Languages. Find out what your love language is, if he is trying to meet it in your language, that might open your heart a bit again.

And maybe try requesting a date night every week. Take the focus off the sex frequency and just getting out as a couple and having fun


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'm with Michzz.... you husband is unsatisfied sexually ...he is reaching out to you with his desires... Sorry, I am on the side of the husband, I don't feel those who are high drive are NEEDY, they just freaking LOVE SEX and they want to hold on to someone, masterbation just isn't as fullfilling, and they crave a partner who feels the same darn way. 

I would probably divorce over this issue personally.... I like it that much and if my husband ever looked at me as "Needy", it would hurt very very deeply, then I'd get MAD. 

Thankfully he has never done that to me, even when my drive was RAGING in comparison to his.... HIS attitude dealing with me was ....simply amazing and full of love. 

He IS my example to uphold... 

Anyway, I did a thread on this, and this is how I feel when couples are faced with this dilemma (one of the biggest marraige problems on the planet).... if you don't want resentment to fall on your husband , I hope you will consider the message within.....


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...allowing-our-partner-turn-us-love-making.html

.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm with Michzz.... you husband is unsatisfied sexually ...he is reaching out to you with his desires... Sorry, I am on the side of the husband, I don't feel those who are high drive are NEEDY, they just freaking LOVE SEX and they want to hold on to someone, masterbation just isn't as fullfilling, and they crave a partner who feels the same darn way.
> 
> I would probably divorce over this issue personally.... I like it that much and if my husband ever looked at me as "Needy", it would hurt very very deeply, then I'd get MAD.
> 
> ...


I still love having sex with him, don't get me wrong. But when Im dealing with stress from work, death of family members or responsibilities, it isn't the highest on my list. I certainly repect and appreciate your opinion, but it seems really easy to have that opinion when you have a HD. Marriage is about balance and compromise and meeting each others needs. Sometimes sex is certainly a need but not all the time. Im sorry but sex doesn't equal love. If that were the case, what happens to those of us who decline at 70 or 80 or people who are dying of cancer. Are they thinking about whether or not they are getting enough sex? When we lay on our death bed and ponder back on our life, are we going to be thinking about all the times we had sex, or the special moment xwe shared with our families?
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

deejov said:


> The living results of the "180".
> 
> Is it possible you are now in the stage where you have detached a bit emotionally? If he gets an emotional connection from sex, he may be trying to get it back. But the age old story... you may need emotional connection before you can step into that role.
> 
> ...


That would be wonderful! But getting him to agree to that would be impossible. I sent him the link to this discussion with my password in the hopes he would submit from his point of view but he hasn't as of yet.
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm with Michzz.... you husband is unsatisfied sexually ...he is reaching out to you with his desires... Sorry, I am on the side of the husband, I don't feel those who are high drive are NEEDY, they just freaking LOVE SEX and they want to hold on to someone, masterbation just isn't as fullfilling, and they crave a partner who feels the same darn way.
> 
> I would probably divorce over this issue personally.... I like it that much and if my husband ever looked at me as "Needy", it would hurt very very deeply, then I'd get MAD.
> 
> ...


And no offense, I am glad you and your husband are compatible sexually, but to me when one persons physical wants/needs are the only thing that matters at ALL times, then I would define that person as too needy.
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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

faithnhope said:


> I certainly repect and appreciate your opinion, but it seems really easy to have that opinion when you have a HD. Marriage is about balance and compromise and meeting each others needs. Sometimes sex is certainly a need but not all the time. Im sorry but sex doesn't equal love. If that were the case, what happens to those of us who decline at 70 or 80 or people who are dying of cancer. Are they thinking about whether or not they are getting enough sex? When we lay on our death bed and ponder back on our life, are we going to be thinking about all the times we had sex, or the special moment xwe shared with our families?


You ended your 1st post with this....


> If it wasn't for *this issue*, we would probably never have a cross word between us


.... this seems to imply..... he is MEETING your needs, but you are not meeting his.


And your comments about it is easy - I am high drive --You did not read my thread ..... My HUSBAND is NOT high drive these days- I wish the heck he was ! ..... BUT he is giving , he doesn't look at me as Needy... He is an example to behold, that was my point, someone lower drive who does care "enough" to make their spouse that priority, no matter what else is going on in the marriage, because we do put what is important to the other -1st. 

It appears very important to your husband. 

When you love, that is what you do. If/when my drive goes down, because of how beautiful he has treated me, I can tell you I will never live the day where I will overlook what he needs again.... I wouldn't want my husband to feel that way- he is too good to me (sounds like your man is also), if I had the power to alleivate his feeling "needy". 

That is just my opinion on the truths I have learned in my own walk in marraige, by his example, and by how it feels to be on the other side... I can't tell you how important this means to me -HIM being there for me when I was feeling as your husband DOES NOW.... and I have a feeling, your husband would relate to what I am saying tremendously.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You ended your 1st post with this.... .... this seems to imply..... he is MEETING your needs, but you are not meeting his.
> 
> 
> And your comments about it is easy - I am high drive --You did not read my thread ..... My HUSBAND is NOT high drive these days- I wish the heck he was ! ..... BUT he is giving , he doesn't look at me as Needy... He is an example to behold, that was my point, someone lower drive who does care "enough" to make their spouse that priority, no matter what else is going on in the marriage, because we do put what is important to the other -1st.
> ...


To be honest, he really doesnt meet my needs in times of crisis. I believe he doesn't know how but I HATE to argue and I love him so I have learned over the years to take care of my emotional needs. He does sometimes, but its on his terms. I don't complain because I love him and he is who he is, just like I am who I am. That is why we don't argue.
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi faith ~

You know, you have some words in your original post that make me wonder. Words like "I am tired", "I am overwhelmed", "I buried both my parents in the last 12 months". Honestly, it sounds like you have had quite a time of it - and you have mentioned that you don't really rely on your husband to be emotionally supportive. That's a lot of weight to be carrying on your shoulders all by yourself.

What kinds of things are you doing to try and cope? What kinds of things are you doing for yourself everyday? What kinds of things do you do that are just for you that you enjoy? Do you get time to unwind - to relax - to dream anymore?

I think that a lot of times, we as women, can spread ourselves so thin - that there is barely a sliver of us left - and certainly not enough to try and give back to our spouse. Do you think you are at that kind of point? If so, have you thought about maybe doing IC on your own - to get some equilibrium within yourself back? Or even just try to carve time out everday for you to take a walk, read a book, whatever.

And... this bit is for your husband if he is reading this. Most women are not going to find their man attractive in any way if he pouts, shouts, or refuses to talk. Passive aggressive or childish tactics don't generate sexual interest in your mate. 

Best wishes.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Okay it’s one thing if he’s not there for you emotionally. I get that. Was he ever there for you in this way? Earlier in the marriage? If not, why would you expect for him to be now?
Have you simply tried talking to him about this, NOT WHEN THE DISCUSSION is spurred by sex or not having sex?
As for the sex part, I’m HD. My wife is LD. I can tell you from a man’s point of view it can be this simple:
When my wife has sex with me it makes me feel WANTED and LOVED by my wife. She can clean the house, make me a cake, buy me gifts, and I APPRECIATE That, but they DO NOT REPLACE or even compare to having sex with her.
I’m not saying it’s a one way street. I am saying you’ve gotten to the point of keeping score. This is how many times you’ve given him sex this month, why isn’t this enough?
He’s your husband. Where is he supposed to get this from? 
And you’re analogy about being 70 or 80, you don’t think about sex? Sure you don’t…IF YOU HAD A REWARDING SEX LIFE WITH YOUR SPOUSE. IF you didn’t, then you think what could have been.
There’s an old saying, “If you're happy with your sex life in your marriage it’s only 10% of the relationship. If you’re not satisfied, then it’s 90% of the relationship.”


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi faith ~
> 
> You know, you have some words in your original post that make me wonder. Words like "I am tired", "I am overwhelmed", "I buried both my parents in the last 12 months". Honestly, it sounds like you have had quite a time of it - and you have mentioned that you don't really rely on your husband to be emotionally supportive. That's a lot of weight to be carrying on your shoulders all by yourself.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your compassion and understanding. I don't have a lot of time to focus on me but I do try to steal some at times. I am a learned extrovert because I am in a helping profession myself so I absolutely have to have time to myself to unwind, listen to silence, and read (which is my thing). When I don't get that, I get overwhelmed and irritable. I have had plenty of counseling and score high in self awareness. I think that may be part of the problem, what I need for balance and sanity is the opposite of what he needs.

I do want to say that he isn't a yeller. I can probably count on one hand in 10 years how many times he has raised his voice at me. Our arguments are verbal but normal tone. He has used some passive aggressive tendencies though such as pouting and sulking. Its the constant badgering and feeling pressured that really gets to me. Sometimes I just wanna scream!

He surprised me tonight. We were planning on having us time tonight. Due to family health issues it would've been late, but I was okay with that because I committed, it had been a few days and I knew he needed it. He came in and said "you know if you still want to its ok but I think we would both enjoy it more if we waited til tomorrow."

It warmed my heart and it was like falling in love with him all over again. My heart just melted. Im honestly not sure what I need as far as coping with the loss of both my parents. I just take one day at a time and it gets easier.
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

CantBeJustMe said:


> Okay it’s one thing if he’s not there for you emotionally. I get that. Was he ever there for you in this way? Earlier in the marriage? If not, why would you expect for him to be now?
> Have you simply tried talking to him about this, NOT WHEN THE DISCUSSION is spurred by sex or not having sex?
> As for the sex part, I’m HD. My wife is LD. I can tell you from a man’s point of view it can be this simple:
> When my wife has sex with me it makes me feel WANTED and LOVED by my wife. She can clean the house, make me a cake, buy me gifts, and I APPRECIATE That, but they DO NOT REPLACE or even compare to having sex with her.
> ...


Yes he was there for me like that in the beginning. We had both just got out of bad marriages. In regards to the analogy are you saying if your sex life isn't rewarding that you believe that you will have regrets when your old and dying about all the sex you missed? 

I also have another question...we all know that healthy relationships require compromise. And most couples do a lot of compromising, but why, when it comes to sex, is there no expectation for compromise? Why do most people say the LD spouse should give to the HD spouse to meet the HD's needs. What about the LD's needs for space and understanding? 

It seems the implication is that the HDs needs are more important. 

What is wrong with compromising? He wants it 3 - 4, I would prefer 1 - 2. So why not compromise and do it 2 -3 times each week if frequency is that important. And regarding the keeping track, that was actually his ideas and he did it for a couple of months before I found out about it.
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

faithnhope said:


> Yes he was there for me like that in the beginning. We had both just got out of bad marriages. In regards to the analogy are you saying if your sex life isn't rewarding that you believe that you will have regrets when your old and dying about all the sex you missed?
> 
> I also have another question...we all know that healthy relationships require compromise. And most couples do a lot of compromising, but why, when it comes to sex, is there no expectation for compromise? Why do most people say the LD spouse should give to the HD spouse to meet the HD's needs. What about the LD's needs for space and understanding?
> 
> ...


Also...keep in mind that I am his wife...where else am I gonna get my needs related to sex met?
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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

faithnhope said:


> To be honest, he really doesnt meet my needs in times of crisis. I believe he doesn't know how but I HATE to argue and I love him so I have learned over the years to take care of my emotional needs. He does sometimes, but its on his terms. I don't complain because I love him and he is who he is, just like I am who I am. That is why we don't argue.


I will admit when I read your opening post, it was very fast ....and as most of us generally do, I am no different, we tend to view others situations from "our own lens" many times, our own experiences come into play.... I didn't catch where your husband wasn't meeting your needs, It seemed all that jumped out to me was you feeling he was "needy", and him feeling rejected. 

I give you kudos for at least 2-3 times a week of sex, this really isn't bad. For normal's sake - no where near sexless , though for some, they would still feel like they were starving, sorry to say (I would have felt that way at one time myself)...

Sounds like HE has been neglectful to you as well -in your emotional needs... and you have likely built up some resentment to HIM over the years - you have learned to "stuff" instead of argue, tried to bury and learned to get those met by yourself...which likely has some *play* in why you feel he needs to do the same in this area of his sexual needs..... 

Ok, so now it is more clear to me.... the playing field is likely even.... before it didn't sound even to me and what I interpreted was "a good giving man" being left to deal with his frustration on his own.... 

Which brings me back to my own story & why I spoke as I did ....I often think of my husband & MY own regret... I still cry about it sometimes.... Let me explain for a moment... my husband was very different than yours, he DIDN'T talk to me, he chose to suffer in silence -when he wanted sex EVERY day ,he never pushed, in his selflessness, he allowed me to do my own thing, smother myself in our kids, have them sleep in bed with us... he didn't want to bother me .....and when I learned this years later, I was absolutely furious with him-- because , unlike your husband, MINE NEVER faltered on my emotional needs, NEVER... not a day.... he was near the perfect man. There for me in every way possible, if I asked for something he jumped, I never needed to lean on myself for emotional support, I never had even a hint of resentment towards him. 

I could have been better, and my biggest regrets in life is not being there enough for my husband when he felt like that, he was AFRAID to show me his neediness, --I only wish he had !! So I had the opportunity to BE there for him the way he was for me. SO when I hear men complain.... all I can offer you you is... the other side of that coin... men who stop complaning and STUFFING... even my own husband started to have some resentment building towards ME and he felt less loved by me ...It kills me to know I did this to my wonderful husband, but he was more passive than most -it was not all my fault . He admits this outright.

Then....when these roles were reversed , well, I never hold a damn thing back, I FELT needy and I showed neediness and again, he was there , even when I caused him performance pressure (what a man!)....he still wanted me to come to him... It is a different story for sure...so you will have to forgive me for jumping too quick. 

I DO tend to get my feathers ruffled when I think a good man is being neglected - I see my own husband in that, my own regret and the years I feel we both missed out on- because of pure stupidity & not talking enough about sex . Our marriage was always good, it was only he that felt less loved. 

And I have to agree with CantBeJustMe's post...

I KNOW what it feels like to be in the other side of this (as I have been on the lower drive end -but still loved sex --and the HIGH HIGH drive end)....and being High drive is not at all easy, unless we are porn addicts or loners who love masterbation. That might make it less frustrating. BUt to crave our spouses .....it is HELL..... I was antsy even getting it 5 times a week! I cried to my husband because I felt so needy ,even a burden....but he went out of his way, even being low test to satisfy me and he NEVER allowed me to feel that way. 

I just wanted you to see a picture of why I speak the way I do... I speak out of my own regret and the experience of being on the other side of the HIGH DRIVE issue.

Enough of me, I won't go there again...

Not arguing is not always the best thing... Conflict avoidance is hurtful to marriage ..... it is a resentment breeding ground ... lack of honest heartfelt communication eventually wounds, eats away and can kill something that could have remained beautiful. 

Love this article - read #5 about conflict (below)... Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE



> Interdependent couples fight! They fight in a healthy way and do not fear or avoid healthy conflict and uncomfortable feelings in their marriage. Because they are able to express their genuine feelings when they occur, they are able to show anger in a healthy way, without rage. When they do show their feelings in an unhealthy manner, they are able to recognize their relapse, realize what deeper issues have been touched, and forgive themselves without spiraling in shame. They are also able to forgive their partners for their mistakes. Interdependent couples recognize that to deny feelings is to deny who we truly are. They accept that the full range of emotion is to be real. They know that without expressing genuine emotion, the feelings will run their lives and take over in the form of addictions or other counterproductive and unhealthy behaviors.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

If I may interject a bit here,

It would appear to me that you have over thought things and not really felt enough.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

on your death bed are you going to say "I wish I cleaned the house better,and had more time to myself"

or I wish I made love to my husband alittle more?

because if your husband feels loved hes a much better husband/father/person.

and you most likley will reap the benifits of your efforts.

good luck.

p.s. your compromise of splitting the difference seems fair only if your doing it with a great attitude but if your doing it begrudugingly then he can feel it and its not the same.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I will admit when I read your opening post, it was very fast ....and as most of us generally do, I am no different, we tend to view others situations from "our own lens" many times, our own experiences come into play.... I didn't catch where your husband wasn't meeting your needs, It seemed all that jumped out to me was you feeling he was "needy", and him feeling rejected.
> 
> I give you kudos for at least 2-3 times a week of sex, this really isn't bad. For normal's sake - no where near sexless , though for some, they would still feel like they were starving, sorry to say (I would have felt that way at one time myself)...
> 
> ...


I appreciate your candor and willingness to share so no worries. I have communicated my feelings to him. But we are both who we are. I do not do well with yelling and anger because of my past but we do verbalize when we disagree. If there is one thing I have learned its that the only behavior we can control is our own. I have no problems compromising. I don't do it begrudgingly because compromising requires effort from both people. He hasn't been through as much in life as I have so I don't blame or resent him for not understanding where I am. How could he? But I do expect some support and patience. I love him and he is a good person. And he is the type of person who wants to be a good person. I feel like I have reached a place of acceptance regarding my emotional needs because I can't change him. But perhaps its resulted in me protecting my feelings. You have given me alot to think about.
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

Diolay said:


> If I may interject a bit here,
> 
> It would appear to me that you have over thought things and not really felt enough.


I do tend to overanalyze.
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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> on your death bed are you going to say "I wish I cleaned the house better,and had more time to myself"
> 
> or I wish I made love to my husband alittle more?
> 
> ...


I don't worry about the house now lol. It stays clean but because I work too then I get to it when I can and do a little at a time or sometimes spend a day on the weekend catching up. I don't worry about things like that. Life is too short. I work with people who are actively dying everyday and as a result I have had to research death and dying. For the most part, people wished they would have laughed more, dreamed more, had more time, and worried less. The dying can teach us valuable lessons in life. I don't begrudge compromising, it is required if two people want a healthy relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi faithnhope ~

Well, from your responses you sound like you have things very together. 

So, from that perspective - why can't you and your H compromise on this a bit? For instance, instead of having a hard and fast 3-day rule, split the week up. You have 3 days in which to initiate something, he has three days to initiate something and it can be anytime in those 3 days. See how it goes.

What I have noticed, and this has been borne out in research, is that when women (generalizing) don't have sex regularly, they tend to desire it less and have a harder time getting back in to it and a harder time having an orgasm when they do. And, of course, men are the opposite - when they don't have sex regularly, they tend to desire it more and are very quick to get off when they have it. That makes for a very frustrating dynamic for partners who are not being regularly intimate.

Perhaps you can just start thinking in your mind about making it a higher priority. And maybe it doesn't always need to be sex, but just some kind of intimate contact every day - holding hands, rubbing his hair/shoulders/back, flirting with him, smiling, joking, laughing together. It is all of those seemingly small daily things that we do together everyday - the small threads in our daily lives - that weave us together and can make a fantastic tapestry. Don't ignore the power and beauty of all of those small daily gestures.

In the end, I truly do believe that intimacy is a state of our minds. We are open to it - or we are not. You can open the door to it and let your husband in. 

Best wishes.


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## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

I can seer your point, but I also see the point of your husband. I am kind of in/was in the same situation. I know where he is coming from. I am not saying he is right at all, but I can understand the pouting and the feeling of rejection he feels. I now you have a ton of responses but PM if you want more opinions as I never really give advice. I can offer a different perspective.


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## faithnhope (Feb 18, 2012)

stoomey74 said:


> I can seer your point, but I also see the point of your husband. I am kind of in/was in the same situation. I know where he is coming from. I am not saying he is right at all, but I can understand the pouting and the feeling of rejection he feels. I now you have a ton of responses but PM if you want more opinions as I never really give advice. I can offer a different perspective.


I appreciate the offer but I would rather stick to the forum for everyone to interject and to be able to learn from each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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