# Divorce



## Messy94 (May 8, 2021)

So I'm new to all of this... this may be a long post. 

I have been with my soon to be ex-husband for 12 years (since I was 14 years old). He's not a terrible person. He's just a very unmotivated, co-dependent individual. I haven't been happy with him for several years. Truthfully, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to marry him, but I was 21 and figured everything would work out for the best. We have a four year old daughter, again, because I thought everything would work out for the best. I realize now that I didn't do a great job at expressing my emotions, I also suppressed many of them. I would ask him for help with things around the house or to at least finish projects he would start. He would always say "I'm sorry, I'll do it... promise", but nothing ever changed. He was good at taking out the trash, but that was it. He refused to parent our daughter. For example, she's a picky eater and would only want chips, junk food, etc. I would tell her to eat her dinner or else she gets nothing for the rest of the night. He would then sneak her chips, donuts, whatever. This is only one example. He complained about his job all of the time but wouldn't make any changes no matter how many times I gave him a solution. I told him I was leaving him last August. His response was "I knew you weren't happy, but I didn't think you would actually leave me for it". Things then grew to be extremely toxic. He would get drunk every night and started making it a habit to call me names and say terrible things. He would lay on guilt trips to have me stay (he didn't actually leave until the end of March). Recently, he stated "I only stayed so long because you would break". He said this in a context of how 'I led him on' and '****ed him over'. He wasn't like this before though. However, he is very controlling. I found out that my iCloud account was connected to two separate computers (clearly not by me) and the settings were changed so everything would be sent to the cloud. He always needed my tracker to be on "for safety reasons". I needed to call him every time I left somewhere so he 'would know I was okay'. I didn't even realize that all of this was happening. We owned a house in an affluent area, right off of a main road. He installed six security cameras around the house. He's a very paranoid individual so maybe they had nothing to do with monitoring my coming/goings, however, it's hard to look back now and think that it wasn't. He's been doing so much gaslighting and manipulating that it's driving me insane. I should also add that I'm in the military so we are now in two different states, which makes custody issues extremely difficult. Also, I recently started at a new duty station so I don't have any of my friends near me. My daughter is with me right now, but will be going to Ohio at the end of this month. At that point, I will be utterly and completely alone. 



The bottom line is that I get lost in my head. I start feeling guilty for causing him so much pain. I get lost thinking maybe I am the delusional one, how would I even know? Why do I feel so much pain for doing something that I wanted in the first place? Am I unnecessarily creating discord in my daughters life? When will I be happy again? I've never even been through a break up, let alone a divorce.


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## Ruby0229 (Apr 14, 2021)

Your story has some commonalities with mine except I'm quite a bit older and without children. I married a man without any ambition even for the basics in life. He was living on a friend's couch at the age of 27 when we met. 

We separated this week after 16 years of marriage. I also blamed myself. I felt guilty for wanting more. Now at the age of 47 he has moved in with a 30 year old friend. Ultimately, I feel my husband is an escapist and relies on the goodwill of others. He also drips insecurity. We came together though because of our mutual insecurities. I still have them but they have lessened over the years. I've worked at it. It is difficult when partners have vastly differing levels of motivation in life.

Wishing you all the best.


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