# If you were against Counselling but eventually went along



## Advocado

If you are the type of person who was always 100% against counselling but eventually were persuaded by your significant other to go along and see a counsellor - 

Why were you so against it? 

What did you anticipate would happen/not happen?

What made you relent and go along?

Did you "open-up" and *fully *participate within the sessions and inbetween times as home? 

Do you regret attending the sessions and, if so ,why?

Did you benefit from attending the sessions and if so why/how?

What would your advice be to others who are against counselling?

Any other observations also welcome - thanks


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## TryingandFrustrated

Advocado said:


> If you are the type of person who was always 100% against counselling but eventually were persuaded by your significant other to go along and see a counsellor -
> 
> Why were you so against it? I didn't see it as necessary, I thought we could get through our issues on our own. She didn't see it this way since we've been having problems for a while and finally decided to put her foot down.
> 
> What did you anticipate would happen/not happen? I was anticipating that my wife and the counselor were going to gang up on me and tell me it is all my fault, that I'm no good. etc....
> 
> What made you relent and go along? I finally saw that she was pretty steadfast on going to counseling and went once on her own before calling me up at work and asking if I could make an appointment with the counselor the following day. I knew she wasn't going to budge on her thought that we needed MC to help resolve our issues and things were not going to get better without going.
> 
> Did you "open-up" and *fully *participate within the sessions and inbetween times as home? Yes, I opened up in the sessions, and sometimes that was not helpful I found out later after doing quite a bit of reading. It turns out that opening up mainly with anger and negative emotions doesn't always count as "opening up" and helping. It took a while to open up at home in between sessions, because alot of times they would turn into arguments which wasn't helpful to either of us.
> 
> Do you regret attending the sessions and, if so ,why?No, I don't regret attending the sessions. I don't think our marriage would have been saved if I didn't go. We've been going for 8-9 months and are still working at it and I'm hopeful that we will be "fixed" soon.
> 
> Did you benefit from attending the sessions and if so why/how?Yes I did benefit from the sessions. They showed me better ways to show my love to my wife and I'm hopeful that she will see that I really have been working at this and begin to trust me in the future soon.
> 
> What would your advice be to others who are against counselling? Give it a try. There is a reason your spouse thinks that it will benefit your marriage. Be open and understanding. Also, the biggest think I've learned also is that you really can't have a timeline for when you should be done and are "better". All that has done for me is make my wife angry and hasn't helped her work on her own issues which I feel is part of the reason why we are still going to MC.
> 
> Another beneficial part I think is try for some individual sessions when things start getting a little rough. You may be able to be more open and let the counselor see exactly what you are feeling without having your spouse there while being afraid of offending her/him and making them angry. The counselor will then be able to better steer the two of you in the upcoming sessions based on some of these issues you were able to convey to him/her.
> 
> Any other observations also welcome - thanks


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## TryingandFrustrated

I forgot to say that counseling won't make things better from the start. Things may get a little rougher for a while when new issues are brought up or they are looked at from another perspective. We've had our many ups and downs during our time.


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## ATC529R

Advocado said:


> If you are the type of person who was always 100% against counselling but eventually were persuaded by your significant other to go along and see a counsellor -
> 
> Why were you so against it? _We went for therapy with my then 3 year old because she was having some behavioral problems in daycare. I was so against it because I did not see any of these problems and contributed it to the daycare._
> 
> What did you anticipate would happen/not happen? _I anticipated nothing good would happen because when you look hard enough for a problem, whether it does or does not exist,....you will find or make a problem. Thoughts are things IMO._
> 
> What made you relent and go along?
> Did you "open-up" and *fully *participate within the sessions and inbetween times as home? I went to the Pediatrician, the therapist and a PHD one time, and my wife saw the therapist several times for parenting advice. I discontinued because in our 1st meeting the therapist agreed that my wife needed to come more to my side of the road on parenting. Then weeks later she changed her tune and was trying to get my wife to get me to come in......I saw zero value in it and it was an hour away.
> 
> Do you regret attending the sessions and, if so ,why? _Horribly so!!! At the end, my wife had the therapist call the school teacher for observation etc.......in a five minute conversation.....the therapist took words my daughter said when she had diaper rash a year ago out of context and called DCF for child molestation. I horrific and unfounded claim that took a serious toll on us mentally...maybe not a toll financially, but it still cost us thousands in switching daycares and lost work etc.
> I have the files now on what was said etc......and it's clear the therapist was not to happy about me not coming to therapy anymore....and also clear she did little in the form of real questions with the teacher. She went straight for the worst possible thing it could be........and never questioned about bullying or name calling as we had told her. It was the most F-d up thing I have ever been through...and she's damn lucky I am a law abiding citizen._
> 
> Did you benefit from attending the sessions and if so why/how?
> _Nothing, except perhaps a lawsuit._
> 
> What would your advice be to others who are against counselling?
> _Ask yourself the hard questions...and put pen to paper._
> 
> Any other observations also welcome - thanks


I just have a hard time with seeing someone who could sit and listen to other peoples problems all day. how messed up is that? and for all the degrees on the wall....most of them change jobs and marriages like underwear. How am I gonna take advice from someone who can't manage their own issues?

that enough?


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## ATC529R

Psychiatry...therapists.....it's all made up BS!!!!

25 GOOD REASONS WHY PSYCHIATRY MUST BE ABOLISHED
by Don Weitz
1. Because psychiatrists frequently cause harm, permanent disabilities, death - death of the body-mind-spirit.

2. Because psychiatrists frequently violate the Hippocratic Oath which orders all physicians "First Do No Harm."

3. Because psychiatrists patronize and disempower people, especially their patients.

4. Because psychiatry is not a medical science.

5. Because psychiatry is quackery, a pseudo-science which lacks independent diagnostic tests, testable hypotheses, and cures for "schizophrenia" and all other types of alleged "mental illness" or "mental disorder".

6. Because psychiatrists can not accurately and reliably predict dangerousness, violence, or any other type of human behaviour, yet make such claims as "expert witnesses", and with the media promote the "dangerous mental patient" myth/stereotype.

7. Because psychiatrists have caused a worldwide epidemic of brain damage by promoting and prescribing brain-disabling treatments such as the neuroleptics, antidepressants, electroconvulsive brainwashing (electroshock), and psychosurgery (lobotomy).

8. Because psychiatrists manufacture hundreds of "mental disorders" classified in its bible called "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" (a modern witch-hunting manual); such "mental disorders" and "symptoms" are in fact negative, class-and-culturally-biased moral judgments for dissident ways of coping with personal problems and alternative ways of perceiving, interpreting or being in the world.

9. Because psychiatrists, blinded by their medical model bias, fraudulently pathologize and label people's serious life or existential crises as "symptoms" of "mental illness" or "mental disorder" such as "schizophrenia","bipolar affective disorder", and "personality disorder".

10. Because psychiatrists compound this fraud by falsely claiming, without scientific proof, that these "mental disorders" are caused by a "biochemical imbalance" in the brain, genetic factors or "genetic predispositions", despite the fact that there are no genetic factors in "mental illness".

11. Because psychiatrists frequently misinform their patients, families and the public by claiming that brain-disabling procedures such as the neurotoxins (e.g.,"antipsychotic medication" and "antidepressasnts"), electroconvulsive brainwashing (electroconvulsive therapy/"ECT"), psychosurgery (lobotomy) and other behaviour modification-mind control procedures are "safe, effective and lifesaving". The exact opposite is tragically true.

12. Because psychiatrists routinely deceive or lie to patients, prisoners, their families, and the public.

13. Because psychiatrists routinely and willfully violate the medical-ethical principle of "informed consent" by misinforming or not informing their patients about the numerous toxic, disabling and frequently permanent effects of the neuroleptics such as memory loss, tardive dyskinesia, tardive psychosis, parkinsonism, dementia (all signs of brain damage), and death.

14. Because psychiatrists routinely threaten, intimidate or coerce many patients - particularly women, children, the elderly, and prisoners - into consenting to health-threatening/brain-damaging "treatment" such as the antidepressants, neuroleptics, electroconvulsive brainwashing, and hi-risk experiments.

15. Because psychiatrists frequently fail to fully inform psychiatric inmates and prisoners about existing safe and humane, non-medical alternatives in the community such as survivor-controlled crisis centres, drop-ins, self-help or advocacy groups, diet, massage, wholistic medicine, affordable supportive housing, and jobs.

16. Because psychiatrists are sexist in frequently stereotyping women in crisis as "hysterical" or "over-emotional", blaming women whenever they voice real complaints and assertively express their feelings and emotions, prescribing massive doses of tranquilizers and antidrepressants to disproportionately large numbers of women, and in sexually assaulting women in their offices and institutions.

17. Because psychiatrists, particularly white male psychiatrists, are homophobic - the American Psychiatric Association (APA) once labelled homosexuality as a "mental illness" or "mental disorder" - and have used forced electroshock on lesbians, trying to coerce them into adopting a heterosexual life style.

18. Because psychiatrists are ageist in prescribing tranquilizers, antidepressants ("medication") and electroconvulsive brainwashing for disproportionately large numbers of elderly people - a form of elder abuse.

19. Because psychiatrists are racist in disproportionately incarcerating and drugging people of African descent, aboringal people, other people of colour and labelling them "psychotic" or "schizophrenic".

20. Because psychiatrists routinely violate people's civil rights, human rights and constitutional rights such as imprisoning innocent people without court trial or public hearing ("involuntary commitment"), and subjecting them to cruel and unusual punishments or tortures such as forced drugging, electroconvulsive brainwashing, psychosurgery, solitary confinement, "chemical restraints", and 4-point or 5-point restraints.

21. Because psychiatrists masterminded the mass murder of hundreds of thousands of vulnerable people including disabled children, the elderly and psychiatric patients during The Holocaust in Nazi Germany, and "selected" hundreds of thousands of concentration camp prisoners for death ("T-4 euthanasia" program) - historical facts still missing in psychiatric textbooks and histories.

22. Because psychiatrists have willingly participated in and administered mind-control experiments in the United States and Canada since the early 1950s - its chief targets have been poor patients, women, dissidents and prisoners.

23. Because psychiatry, particularly institutional-biological psychiatry, is based on the 3 Fs: Fear, Fraud,and Force.

24. Because psychiatry is a form of social control or punishment - not treatment.

25. Because psychiatry, particularly institutional-biological psychiatry, is fascist - a direct threat to democracy, human rights and life.


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## Advocado

My thanks TandF for these thoughtful responses. I've responded to some below (see purple/pinky text).

Why were you so against it? I didn't see it as necessary, I thought we could get through our issues on our own. She didn't see it this way since we've been having problems for a while and finally decided to put her foot down. 

What did you anticipate would happen/not happen? I was anticipating that my wife and the counselor were going to gang up on me and tell me it is all my fault, that I'm no good. etc....

What made you relent and go along? I finally saw that she was pretty steadfast on going to counseling and went once on her own before calling me up at work and asking if I could make an appointment with the counselor the following day. I knew she wasn't going to budge on her thought that we needed MC to help resolve our issues and things were not going to get better without going. This is similar to my H. I had asked him to go to counselling on a number of occasions over approx 15 years before he relented. By that time things were REALLY bad. Although he was obviously not thrilled at attending I appreciated his going and told him so. 

Did you "open-up" and fully participate within the sessions and inbetween times as home? Yes, I opened up in the sessions, and sometimes that was not helpful I found out later after doing quite a bit of reading. It turns out that opening up mainly with anger and negative emotions doesn't always count as "opening up" and helping. It took a while to open up at home in between sessions, because alot of times they would turn into arguments which wasn't helpful to either of us. I would think that if a person was feeling angry and negative, there would be no point in hiding this - it is what it is and once it's in the open it can be looked at and worked on. However, I think I get what you say about the possibility of it being used against you so to speak. 

Regarding arguments at home following the sessions I imagine this is not unusual. With my H he was not overly keen to discuss the sessions and I felt I had to be the one to open a discusion. At first it was like pulling teeth but we did eventually have some frank exchanges about the counsellor's observations and advice which did help us lay some groundwork for improving things somewhat. 

Do you regret attending the sessions and, if so ,why?No, I don't regret attending the sessions. I don't think our marriage would have been saved if I didn't go. We've been going for 8-9 months and are still working at it and I'm hopeful that we will be "fixed" soon. Wow, hats off to you for staying with it. I'm sure your W really appreciates this given that you were against it to begin with. It's encouraging to know you have no regrets and on the road to saving your marriage 


Did you benefit from attending the sessions and if so why/how?Yes I did benefit from the sessions. They showed me better ways to show my love to my wife and I'm hopeful that she will see that I really have been working at this and begin to trust me in the future soon. 
---:smthumbup:---

What would your advice be to others who are against counselling? Give it a try. There is a reason your spouse thinks that it will benefit your marriage. Be open and understanding. Also, *the biggest think I've learned also is that you really can't have a timeline for when you should be done and are "better". *All that has done for me is make my wife angry and hasn't helped her work on her own issues which I feel is part of the reason why we are still going to MC.
That you continue to go and work on things and are willing to give things time to resolve is huge. My H managed 4 sessions together and 1 individual. I continued individual sessions after we had our last session together and it was only then that the counsellor finally really got what I was all about. However my H would not return to counselling after that. He felt he'd done his bit. It saddens me that he would not take things further but that said we did make some positive progress in our relationship. Only time will tell if it was enough to sustain us but for the moment we are okay. 

I got the impression from my H that he was doing me a huge favour in going because I was the one with the problem, not him, at lease in his eyes, whereas I felt WE had a problem(s). Even now I am not 100 per cent clear exactly how beneficial he found the sessions per se but I do know he made efforts to make changes even though he found it difficult. 

Still – we made some definite progress in certain important directions so I’m real happy about that. Although there was more work to do, it got us past the particular crisis we were at. 

Another beneficial part I think is try for some individual sessions when things start getting a little rough. You may be able to be more open and let the counselor see exactly what you are feeling without having your spouse there while being afraid of offending her/him and making them angry. The counselor will then be able to better steer the two of you in the upcoming sessions based on some of these issues you were able to convey to him/her.

I think our counsellor, although good, understood what a HUGE DEAL it was for my H to actually attend and in hindsight I don’t think she wanted to push the envelope in getting him to attend further than it went.


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## Advocado

Another Q

Was your counsellor male or female and do you think it made any difference? My H chose a female counsellor. We road tested two – one female, one male and my H chose the female counsellor. This wasn’t a problem since I liked her too but in hindsight I often wonder if things might have turned out differently if we had gone with the male counsellor who, at the road test session, was less accepting of my H’s initial rigid stance on matters. Oh, well – I’ll never know!


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## Advocado

Wow – ATC529R what your family have experienced is truly horrific – an innocent’s parent’s worse nightmare I would think and in your shoes I would be bitter. 

I do hope you daughter is doing okay and I trust that those in authority have reflected on how they handled things and will learn essential lessons for the future. 

Thank you so much for sharing. It’s important to see all sides of the coin, so to speak.

"Ask yourself the hard questions...and put pen to paper." 
ATC529R - not sure what you mean by the above quote?


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## TryingandFrustrated

Advocado said:


> Did you "open-up" and fully participate within the sessions and inbetween times as home? Yes, I opened up in the sessions, and sometimes that was not helpful I found out later after doing quite a bit of reading. It turns out that opening up mainly with anger and negative emotions doesn't always count as "opening up" and helping. It took a while to open up at home in between sessions, because alot of times they would turn into arguments which wasn't helpful to either of us. I would think that if a person was feeling angry and negative, there would be no point in hiding this - it is what it is and once it's in the open it can be looked at and worked on. However, I think I get what you say about the possibility of it being used against you so to speak.
> 
> Regarding arguments at home following the sessions I imagine this is not unusual. With my H he was not overly keen to discuss the sessions and I felt I had to be the one to open a discusion. At first it was like pulling teeth but we did eventually have some frank exchanges about the counsellor's observations and advice which did help us lay some groundwork for improving things somewhat.


The problem with my negative emotions was the way she finally decided to put her foot down and basically demand MC. She decided it would be best to cut off sex and the counselor was basically for that (for a period of time he said). This started to go continue for quite some time (still to this day actually, but things are getting better). When I would show my anger/frustration (I called it frustration, she called it anger  ), she saw that as me pressuring her to just have sex with me, and thinking that all I wanted was her body, which wasn't the case. This would go in cycles, where I'd try to keep my frustrations with everything bottled up, then it would come out and we would be back into another argument and have to work back to where we had previously gotten to.

Our counselor is male, and she picked him. She setup her first appointment, then scheduled another and asked me to go. My only problem with his ideas were that he stuck with her on the no sex thing (which I didn't think a male counselor would do). I just don't think it is as easy to try to bring a relationship back without having the couple bonding through sex. It kept a wall between us for quite some time that was hard to work through for me.


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## ATC529R

Advocado said:


> Wow – ATC529R what your family have experienced is truly horrific – an innocent’s parent’s worse nightmare I would think and in your shoes I would be bitter.
> 
> I do hope you daughter is doing okay and I trust that those in authority have reflected on how they handled things and will learn essential lessons for the future.
> 
> Thank you so much for sharing. It’s important to see all sides of the coin, so to speak.
> 
> "Ask yourself the hard questions...and put pen to paper."
> ATC529R - not sure what you mean by the above quote?


I am very bitter, but not so close minded to think they could be of use to someone who may have serious metal issues or have been harmed in the past....and they need someone to talk to. 

My daughter is doing fabulous. We switched to a Montessori school, she is so much happier and doing awesome. We had a meeting with the teacher last week, and they said it is one of if not the easiest transition they have ever seen. It's night and day.

The people responsible have learned nothing and are doing the he said she said think to skirt responsibility.......thats the sad part. I have their files, and the description of events that led to this don't even come close to matching.

By asking the hard questions and putting pen to paper I mean just that. ask yourself. what have I done to contribute to the problem, what can I do to allieviate the problem even if it's the fault of someone else...etc. but moreso what am I willing to selflessy or sacrifice whatever for the betterment of the family, relationship etc......and write these things down, otherwise you have no reference point.

In this case, am I willing to swallow and accept all the pain, harm, false accusations etc, when I know damn well we have a case for a serious lawsuit. (wife's and attorney and about another 6 people in our circle are as well).....but do I want to relive all this for the sake of revenge or money. If you take the revenge and money out of the picture, I think the answer is walk away.......but I'm not there quite yet.


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## ATC529R

And you know what irritates me the most about it all......

I went to all these dr. appts, followed daycares advice for counseling, went to these meetings and heard "their" side etc, etc.....did everything they asked along the way.

And in the end I was right all along! and I see in their notes comments like "husband in denial", "he does not believe in counseling:.....something my wife told them not me etc, etc.

so you have multiple people (passive people on the daycare side, and over educated phd's on the therapy side with no common sense)pointing the finger at the type A personality father because he's not buying it. My daughter could name the kids that were mean, and the names they called her...but the daycare had no knowledge of it?...and for that matter the therapist did not even question them or consider this as the source of the problem???

just f-in irritates the hell out of me when I did all they asked...i.e. sacrificed myself and went against my better judgement...trusting their experience and truthfulness.

and in the end it wa not reciprocated. I was more stern about wanting to know WTF was going on in a parent teacher conference 2 days before this went down, and we had discontinued the therapy. this was the final phone call. so you had a teacher that was probably pissed at me and a therapist with nothing to lose by calling DCF...and did nothing to get the truth. they all took the path of least resistance while I bent over backwards.....and look what it got me!

and for the record...the only other male involved was our pediatrician. He was the 1st person we met with and when he looked at the forms we had the daycare fill out he had the same reaction as me. They put zero thought into it, had categorized her as a problem and we should consider changing daycares.


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## TryingandFrustrated

Advocado, To expand a little more about the opening up outside of our sessions, at home. Even though she wanted me to communicate more and express my feelings at first it felt like pulling teeth because she figured I was just doing it to "check the box", so she wouldn't respond in an expressive manner back. We solved this, but it took some time. I was also the one who had to initiate the conversations not jut express my feelings when asked. I felt that to be a bit hypocritical since I felt if she wanted that from me, she should do it as well.

Early on we didn't discuss what happened in our sessions to much due to the fact that somewhere down the line it would come to me wanting to see a timetable. I felt that our sessions didn't need to go on for months and months with no end in sight. She stated that the process was not something that could be put on a timeline, but I still think that there could have been certain goals stated along the way to better steer us.

There were times when I was ready to just call it quits because of just that. I couldn't see an end to these sessions in sight and it was getting frustrating.


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## Advocado

TryingandFrustrated said:


> Advocado, To expand a little more about the opening up outside of our sessions, at home. Even though she wanted me to communicate more and express my feelings at first it felt like pulling teeth because she figured I was just doing it to "check the box", so she wouldn't respond in an expressive manner back. We solved this, but it took some time. I was also the one who had to initiate the conversations not jut express my feelings when asked. I felt that to be a bit hypocritical since I felt if she wanted that from me, she should do it as well.
> 
> Early on we didn't discuss what happened in our sessions to much due to the fact that somewhere down the line it would come to me wanting to see a timetable. I felt that our sessions didn't need to go on for months and months with no end in sight. She stated that the process was not something that could be put on a timeline, but I still think that there could have been certain goals stated along the way to better steer us.
> 
> There were times when I was ready to just call it quits because of just that. I couldn't see an end to these sessions in sight and it was getting frustrating.



I'm with you on how wearisome it is to be the only one initiating discussions, but then to be told you are only doing it to tick a checkbox ! 

Regarding how many sessions, we did have a timeline but our counsellor made it *far too short*. Surely she would know that decades of resentment would not be washed away in an instant! I guess she just thought he would refuse to attend if the end was not in short sight - she hinted more than once how great he was for just attending and, although she leaned to my side in the beginning, she soon started to lean the other way and certain things were kind of taken off the table and never revisited. I wish the timeline had been left open ended like yours were, coz in hindsignt you don't appear to be saying you have had too many sessions (I guess the only downside is the expense - but divorce would cost more


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## Advocado

ATC529R said:


> I am very bitter, but not so close minded to think they could be of use to someone who may have serious metal issues or have been harmed in the past....and they need someone to talk to.
> 
> *My daughter is doing fabulous. We switched to a Montessori school, she is so much happier and doing awesome. *We had a meeting with the teacher last week, and they said it is one of if not the easiest transition they have ever seen. It's night and day.
> 
> The people responsible have learned nothing and are doing the he said she said think to skirt responsibility.......thats the sad part. I have their files, and the description of events that led to this don't even come close to matching.
> 
> By asking the hard questions and putting pen to paper I mean just that. ask yourself. what have I done to contribute to the problem, what can I do to allieviate the problem even if it's the fault of someone else...etc. but moreso what am I willing to selflessy or sacrifice whatever for the betterment of the family, relationship etc......and write these things down, otherwise you have no reference point.
> 
> In this case, am I willing to swallow and accept all the pain, harm, false accusations etc, when I know damn well we have a case for a serious lawsuit. (wife's and attorney and about another 6 people in our circle are as well).....but do I want to relive all this for the sake of revenge or money. If you take the revenge and money out of the picture, I think the answer is walk away.......but I'm not there quite yet.


You're right about walking away and I hope you'll be "there" soon. 

Great to hear your daughter is doing so well. Just be sure to enjoy every stage - they grow up so quickly.


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## TryingandFrustrated

Advocado said:


> I'm with you on how wearisome it is to be the only one initiating discussions, but then to be told you are only doing it to tick a checkbox !
> 
> Regarding how many sessions, we did have a timeline but our counsellor made it *far too short*. Surely she would know that decades of resentment would not be washed away in an instant! I guess she just thought he would refuse to attend if the end was not in short sight - she hinted more than once how great he was for just attending and, although she leaned to my side in the beginning, she soon started to lean the other way and certain things were kind of taken off the table and never revisited. I wish the timeline had been left open ended like yours were, coz in hindsignt you don't appear to be saying you have had too many sessions (I guess the only downside is the expense - but divorce would cost more


I think a timeline would have been helpful, I know just 4-5 sessions would not have been enough, but at some point I needed (still need) to see the end. Yes, it does get expensive having weekly (almost) sessions for 8-9 months at $150/pop. A couple weeks ago I finally told her that things hav to get better before I would invest any more into the kitchen and bathroom remodel that she wants. She knows that this extra $600/month stresses me out and doesn't really help with my mood.

One of my biggest issues with the no timeline was the way our counselor handled it for the first 6 months or so. We were in marriage counseling I though and trying to fix things and get closer to one another again. I was working on my part and seeing no change on her end. Then he decided it was time to work on her trust issues she had, which completely destroyed me for a while because as I was doing my part in changing myself and meeting her emotional needs without having mine met, we were going to put off her meeting mine to work on herself for a while. I'm still struggling with why he took this path instead of working on her issues earlier on once he saw that I was taking the counseling seriously. After that I became moody / angry at home for a bit again which didn't help her work through her issues she said.

Besides counseling, I've taken this time to read about 20 different relationship books (audible is great for that) since I've got an hour commute to work each way. She has read one and it was only a month ago after I brought it up in one of our sessions.

I do understand that no marriage issues are the same and you can't have a timeline and actually expect to get back to "great" in a pre-prescribed period of time, the counselor should be able to give you some feedback on what he/she thinks it will take after a few sessions of getting to the root of the problems.


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## ATC529R

Advocado said:


> You're right about walking away and I hope you'll be "there" soon.
> 
> Great to hear your daughter is doing so well. Just be sure to enjoy every stage - they grow up so quickly.


Our daughter is our pride and joy......it's hard to think a child could get more love than we give her. She is growing up fast, but we wre loving every minute of it.

Regarding getting there......we'll see. Part of me thinks what harm could they have done to others as well and it should at least be investigated.

Right now I have let it go for a little while, and my daughter doing so well helps.

I am waiting for one final set of files before having all the information. I will then seek legal counsel from several attorneys....mainly to find out the process, how public it might get etc. at least to make sure I am fully informed before making a final decision. They should be sued and held accountable, but my greatest fear is having something in the paper or online with our name and DCF. I don't need someone googling me or the wife and that coming up....that alone would be VERY damaging reputation wise and not good for either of our business.

I hear DCF.......and I immediately think guilty, and I'm sure everyone else does too.


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## Advocado

ATC529R - Yeah - the no smoke without fire thing often prevails, right or wrong.

FWIW I think you are going about things the right way, taking legal advice and all before you jump.


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## SarahSchmermund

Sometimes approaching couples work as skills training/coaching can be more acceptable to a hesitant spouse. I've worked with many couples in which one partner feels they have no issues and/or a therapist has no place in their private issues. I am able to give them the tools to help the eventual private conversations go well.

Approaching it as an interest in improving your ability to communicate, resolve conflicts, and really understand your spouse so that, as you begin to discuss and work through your issues privately as a couple, you are doing so/starting from a better place with strong skills (so that the conversations may actually be helpful.) 

And, by participating in skills training with a professional, a hesitant spouse is also able to experience what it is really like in the room, which often helps to relieve some of the mistrust or anxiety about couples work.


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