# FB messaging someone, very regularly



## ups_and_downs (Sep 1, 2014)

So, me and my wife have been having some ups and downs lately. She's let me know that she doesn't feel the same way she did about me. here recently (maybe 30min ago) i found out she's been messaging someone through Facebook. Now its mostly been how are you... maybe a joke here or there and honestly a ton of memes back and forth. But she's also sent him pictures of her when she dyed her hair and such. Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change, i'm worried. She said she doesn't really feel the need to leave at the moment but i don't want some guy we know from an internet game to make her more happy than i do, as i'm trying so hard to make her happy. We've been together for 10 years now, married for 3yrs, have 2 kids. Am i over reacting or is this a legitimate fear to have? dont be bias being as this is a thread for me just be honest i dont want to be upset and cause a rift do to false ideas of betrayal. Oh and i realize my grammar and what not is horrible.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think folks might call this an emotional affair. Not sure by what you're saying if this is "full blown" but I would say that if she is directing emotional intimacy toward another man and not at you in the context of what she's saying, it's trouble.


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## HappyGilmore (Jul 20, 2014)

I concur with Firebelly. This may be an emotional affair. But at the very least, her speaking to another man on Facebook is unwise, given the context of the situation. Your marriage is on the rocks, and both of you are vulnerable to outside influences. If you have an argument about something, and she goes to get validated by this man via messaging, things can escalate quickly. In the absence of trouble in a marriage, platonic male-female friendships are fine. But when there are problems in a marriage, it can be dangerous. Even though the messages sound fairly benign, she is playing with fire.

If she is serious about working on the marriage, all of her emotional energy should be directed towards it, as should yours. Right now, you guys need to work on rebuilding your marriage, and this means excluding any outside influences that work against it. Just my opinion.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Messaging another dude, not good at all.

If she wanted opinions on a new hair style she could have just posted them on her FB page. Instead she sent him pics directly. This is out and out flirting. "Look at me! Isn't my hair great? Compliment me please!"

Coupled with the fact that she wants out? Whether this guy is the cause or by product remains to be seen.

With two very young kids, what reasons has she given that she wants to leave the marriage, a stable home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You may want to ask a moderator to move this to a different section, or repost this in Coping With Infidelity as the Men's warehouse section isn't visited by as many users.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ups_and_downs said:


> So, me and my wife have been having some ups and downs lately. She's let me know that she doesn't feel the same way she did about me. here recently (maybe 30min ago) i found out she's been messaging someone through Facebook. Now its mostly been how are you... maybe a joke here or there and honestly a ton of memes back and forth. But she's also sent him pictures of her when she dyed her hair and such. Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change, i'm worried. *She said she doesn't really feel the need to leave at the moment* but i don't want some guy we know from an internet game to make her more happy than i do, as i'm trying so hard to make her happy. We've been together for 10 years now, married for 3yrs, have 2 kids. Am i over reacting or is this a legitimate fear to have? dont be bias being as this is a thread for me just be honest i dont want to be upset and cause a rift do to false ideas of betrayal. Oh and i realize my grammar and what not is horrible.


She's not ready to leave yet because the other guy hasn't committed yet. She's working it, and when he does, she'll let you know she's ready.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.


Are you also unhappy with your marriage and telling your husband you want out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What are her major complaints? 

What does she want you to change?

And, "No" she shouldn't be showing some other guy attention, while telling you to step it up. That's saying you already lost. This is a marriage, not a competition. It's okay for her to tell you what she needs, it's not okay to get those needs from someone else.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Are you also unhappy with your marriage and telling your husband you want out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not at all.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LonelyinLove said:


> My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.


EAs are not based on sex at the beginning. EAs are about bonding closely. It gets to where it takes away from the primary relationship. An EA may or may not turn romantic / sexual.

EAs are quite common in my opinion. Someone in an EA will insist they are just very good friends.

Yes the fact she is telling her husband she wants out of the marriage is kinda important.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Not at all.


See that's the thing, and I'm not one to poo-poo opposite sex friendships like a caveman.

But OP's wife was suddenly texting this other "friend", including sending him pics of herself, on top of just announcing to her husband that she is unhappy and may want out of the marriage. Outside of the Kremlin, we'd be hard pressed to find a bigger red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> Not at all.


That's the difference here.


She has said she isn't interested in him anymore.

OP,

Talking to this other man and send him pics is a huge red flag. If she wants to work on the marriage, that needs to stop, immediately. 

She also said she isn't ready to leave yet. Does she work, or do you support her? I also agree that this other man hasn't completely committed yet AND if you are paying a majority of the bills...she is going to try and cake eat.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Too early to tell.

Unfortunately, you will know when suddenly you can no longer see their conversations as she is hiding them.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ups_and_downs said:


> Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change, i'm worried. She said she doesn't really feel the need to leave at the moment .


marriages drift, people fight, communications ceases.

Well, she is at the end of her rope and giving you fair warning. Let me translate what she said:
"I am not happy, am tired of trying, you are not listening. This is your LAST CHANCE to really try to keep the marriage going"

All the other facebook messaging, etc, is just her probably trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life, feel out how it would be to be single again, and seek advice about how to change her situation.

If I were you I would FIRST figure out what the heck I WANTED in life, and see if it included her for the rest of my days. If the answer was HELL YES, I would 
SECOND sit down with her, and try to communicate. Say I really wanted our marriage to improve, and tell me what you think we need to do to make things better. THen I would
THIRD...actually start to DO the things she suggested. No touchey feely ****, no counseling, no whining or discussions. Just DO what she wants. 

If it is more sex, I would DO it.

If it is more fun things in the marriage...I would take her out dancing THAT NIGHT

If she is feeling overwhelmed at home, I would get a maid in once a week.

If she is feeling like life left her, I would encourage her to take a night course at the local university.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

murphy5 said:


> marriages drift, people fight, communications ceases.
> 
> Well, she is at the end of her rope and giving you fair warning. Let me translate what she said:
> "I am not happy, am tired of trying, you are not listening. This is your LAST CHANCE to really try to keep the marriage going"
> ...


There are times when a husband/wife says: "I want you to be more blah, blah, blah."

And you know what? When husband/wife *is* more blah, blah, blah, suddenly, that's not enough.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

No your not overreacting. You have a legitimate concern. However this might not be the one she is interested in if she is interested in someone else, doesn't sound like a very romantic conversation they have been having unless those are being deleted.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

This doesn't sound good. Please find out what her complaints are, what is the reason for her to want to leave you? I disagree with her "platonic" relationship with a guy. It may seem harmless if the both of you have a strong relationship, but at this point in time it is not a good idea. You do not want her to have her emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'm not going to say, with absolute certainty, that she's got something going with this guy. What I will say is that it could be the beginning of something. You guys met him in an online game and they are now Facebook friends? Oh, boy, that sounds so familiar! On fact, OM was friends with both my husband and me for a couple years first. All I will say is keep your eyes open and, hopefully, it turns out to be nothing. With the current state of your marriage, however, I'm leaning the other way. Hopefully, you can figure things out.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> She's not ready to leave yet because the other guy hasn't committed yet. She's working it, and when he does, she'll let you know she's ready.


:iagree:

Couldn't be more accurate than this^^^.

No need to use analytic goemetry, linear algebra or partial differential equations to figure it out.

This is not string theory.

She has her husband under her thumb, plain and simple.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Shut her down. FB is how my WW found her OM for a PA. Sounds early yet. Tell her what's coming if she doesn't stop. Plenty of threads a case in point where husband (or wife) is just too late


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

She's unhappy with op and wants out of the relationship. Simple really, she's shopping for options.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Honestly, if she's finding on games as well, I'd take an extended break from those as well. It's what my husband and I ended up doing.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

LonelyinLove said:


> My BFF is a 61 yr old married man. We PM about work, clothes, sports, you name it. I can talk to him about stuff I can't tell anyone else. Not every male / female relationship is based on sex.


OP mention his W does not feel the same way about him. That is the concern and the PM on FB activity.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Canon in D said:


> This doesn't sound good. Please find out what her complaints are, what is the reason for her to want to leave you? I disagree with her "platonic" relationship with a guy. It may seem harmless if the both of you have a strong relationship, but at this point in time it is not a good idea. You do not want her to have her emotional needs fulfilled elsewhere.


Some people don't realize what a big deal having your emotional needs fulfilled really is.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Thinkitthrough said:


> Shut her down. FB is how my WW found her OM for a PA. Sounds early yet. Tell her what's coming if she doesn't stop. Plenty of threads a case in point where husband (or wife) is just too late


This is true, sometimes a spouse keeps trying to tell their spouse what they need. The spouse brushes if off as not needed and feels them being there is enough when its not. Then the spouse starts looking for what they want elsewhere when its made clear they are not going to get that at home.


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## jack_1970 (Jan 22, 2014)

let me tell you my story maybe this will help you .
my wife and I 10 years going well as I thought , had an emotional affaire with a fb friend , would not stop chatting , then finally cheated on me with that guy, ......emotional affaire is cheating , it hurt me big time , im 43 she's 41 her fling was 30 , women want to feel loved and all that bla bla bla , I might be rough but for me I always put her on a pedestal called her beautiful and have been the most romantic person you could imagine always trying to surpass what I would do for her ,,,,,, still ended up cheating , get help fast and if you feel its going no were just part ways , btw im still with my wife despite what happened , I love her so much but the pain I went through I would never go through that again, its been 1.5 years since and im still angry but love her so much, feel free to contact me to talk


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## dcFlorida (Sep 14, 2014)

Hate to put it to you bluntly, but it sounds like you guys are through. a thumbs up from an ahole on FB means more than anything you have to say to her. 
First of all, I suggest you get legal advice. In many states, divorces are 'no fault'.. means, you do not need to catch someone in bed, etc. What is more at stake is protecting yourself (assets, kids) when this blows up (and it sounds like it is only a matter of time). 
Some advice... 
1. watch your temper, watch what you do, ... do not allow the spouse to get any dirt on you.
2. do not cut off any money, etc without legal advice. doing so will kill you during a divorce proceeding. If she is mishandling money, your only recourse is a divorce. 
3. Hire a PI. 
4. create a new fake FB acct... search her pages and even try to get her to friend you. you will be amazed how much she is blocking you from. 
5. document, document, document. 
6. get used to the words.... marriage is over... I need to protect myself and the kids.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Wife could be bored at home and some random stranger excites her with all of the personal attention he gives her. Could be more than that, or as simple as that.

Online relationships are very one-dimensional and often does not pan out in real life. 

Wife could be having emotional affair that may never materialize into anything physically because her view of the man may totally be off from the real person.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

jack_1970 said:


> let me tell you my story maybe this will help you .
> my wife and I 10 years going well as I thought , had an emotional affaire with a fb friend , would not stop chatting , then finally cheated on me with that guy, ......emotional affaire is cheating , it hurt me big time , im 43 she's 41 her fling was 30 , women want to feel loved and all that bla bla bla , I might be rough but for me I always put her on a pedestal called her beautiful and have been the most romantic person you could imagine always trying to surpass what I would do for her ,,,,,, still ended up cheating , get help fast and if you feel its going no were just part ways , btw im still with my wife despite what happened , I love her so much but the pain I went through I would never go through that again, its been 1.5 years since and im still angry but love her so much, feel free to contact me to talk


Sometimes no matter what you do its not enough and they cheat anyway. Sometimes I think its because they just don't find us exciting anymore.

My heart goes out to you, been there done that.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Thebes said:


> Sometimes no matter what you do its not enough and they cheat anyway. Sometimes I think its because they just don't find us exciting anymore.
> 
> My heart goes out to you, been there done that.


Not rare at all. I've seen cheating wives who were basically best friends with their husbands cheat. Literally 20+ hours a week wining, dining, talking...


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

I just think there becomes a time when , there is really nothing you can do...
Nobody can completely change your personality if there spouse is tired or bored or sick of the sight of them.. when its gone , it very rarely will come back...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ups_and_downs said:


> Being has at the beginning of the month she said she wanted to leave if things didn't change,


yeah, that is a pretty big hint that something is going on. Women do not say things like that unless they have planned their exit out. They are just waiting for the right time, or one more fight, to put the plan into action.

Not to say it is too late to turn things around, but not looking so great. I would certainly take this seriously.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You need to ask her about Facebook password and expect it upon asking. Do not give her time to go off and delete. If she denies, she is hiding something. 

If she gives it to you, print it all out and save it (might need it). Regardless, take a look and go over it with her. 

Tell her that engaging with other man is inappropriate and disrespectful to your marriage. If she has issues with you, you 2 need to communicate and work on fixing them.

See what she says. Her actions are those of a cheater, not a person that loves their SO and is participating/working on their marriage.

Facebook has to end NOW.

Talk to her about what's bothering her or what she think the issues are. Get a feeling for this.

Also, state that you hope she has enough respect for you to end the current relationship before she engages and pursuits other people. 

What she is doing right now is the OPPOSITE of working on marriage.

Ask her how she would feel if you were talking to other women on Facebook. If her reply is "I wouldn't care"......that should tell you that she no longer give a F about YOU or your MARRIAGE and it's time to collect as much evidence and head up to see a lawyer.

Remember something, this guy is after a married woman. He can't possibly be very smart individual and chances are high that he is simply wants to hit it. There is a possibility that it might get deeper, but if it does chances are high that it won't last.

Read: she is COMPLETELY setting herself up for failure. 

DO NOT share above with her. But think about it. Is this the type of woman you want to remain with at this point? 

Regardless, get a good idea what she has been doing behind your back. 

COMMUNICATE WITH HER!!!


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