# Relationship in crisis, new crush! (some sexual content)



## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

So, my relationship has been rocky since before my son was born. But we work through it, and sometimes go to counseling, and it ends up where there isn't much change, we just talk about the status quo so much (and get each others' hopes up that there WILL be change), that we don't get as angry with the status quo.

My husband feels like I don't give him enough time, we don't do enough dates, and we don't have sex enough.

I feel like I'm stuck doing all of the housework, cooking, finances, most of the child care, and still work 40 hours a week (he works 20). Our house is atrocious because I can't keep up, and the stress of it all makes me sick. Which in turn means I'm too tired or angry to give him the sex he wants. And lately, it isn't even sex. He just wants to get off, and feels like that is enough "connection" for us. Mutual masturbation or BJs. And when I keep saying I want actual sex, over and over again, he eventually says "that's all you ever want to do..." No, we just don't do it much any more, and I still want to. Granted, I've gained about 75 lbs since we met 5 years ago, so maybe he's not attracted to me anymore, even though he says that's not a problem at all. I also want romance. I want love notes. I want SOMETHING more than a cheap card on valentine's day that he bought on the way home from work.

Anyhoo. I'm getting to a point where I just feel like we are a lost cause. I was divorced once because it got to a point where I just wasn't in love anymore. I don't want this relationship to go down that road, especially since we have a child together, but it is going that way. We've done counseling, to no avail. Our counselor told my husband that couples counseling wouldn't help that much if HE didn't get help for some of his anger/negativity issues first...I put it on him to get that help, and that was over 6 months ago. He hasn't gone once. I've told him that I honestly don't believe he can change anymore. Until I see it, I won't believe it.

With all of that, I still love him. And until like 3 days ago, I WANTED to be all lovey and connected and stuff. I wanted him to want me. Then I found out that a friend of mine is single. I had a crush on him when I was 18 and we worked together, but nothing ever came of it. He was with the same woman for going on 12 years, and he just mentioned something about how he can't sleep since they split. I've been a casual friend since we worked together (facebook friends, sometimes emails, nothing major at all), and I've always admired him for his authenticity and honesty and general good-person-ness. Now, however, the instant I heard that he was single, my heart jumped. I felt that crush coming back. I daydream about holding him, dancing with him, kissing him, even undressing him (nothing more than that...I'm not that good at daydreaming). He is sweet, romantic, thoughtful, we have similar beliefs and attitudes toward life, and in my head he is perfect for me. Of course, he lives 11 hours away and has his own life and close friends and probably relationship prospects, so I doubt anything would ever happen (and I will probably be disappointed when he does start dating someone, lol). But ever since I started thinking about this guy, I've felt a distance between my husband and I that I haven't felt before. I felt it with my ex because I did almost cheat on him when I was absolutely miserable. But not with my current husband.

I don't know what to do. I can't make my husband understand that I can't live the way we do (constant mess/clutter, with me trying to work my butt off and him sitting on the couch playing games on his phone or computer). So often I feel like life would be SO much easier without him. But then we talk and have a good day and I can't imagine hurting him and being without him. Sometimes I wish he would cheat on me and leave, so it isn't my choice. But I doubt he would, because even if he is miserable, he wouldn't have anywhere to go or any way to pay for a place to live (I own the house, and his job is part time just over minimum wage). Why is this so hard?


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

The potential relationship with your old crush is so shiny and new right now, but if you did go for it, over time you'd end up getting bogged down in life again and no better for it. From the sounds of it, you've been through this before with your previous husband -- you were "so miserable" and then fell for your current husband. Eventually, you'll realize that it's not all the husband's fault you feel like you do. 

What work do each of you do? Can you make some changes to either your work lives or lifestyle so that you can have more time together?

I also bet that he feels like you're disappointed with him and perhaps controlling or wearing the pants and he doesn't like it, so doesn't cooperate.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't know if this will work. Might even sound like a parent child thing, but...

what about making a chore chart for your husband? His "reward" for finishing his chores is sex. But, the chores have to be done right and he can mark it off the chart when he completes them. That way it is spelled out exactly what you need - want from him, and he knows he is guaranteed sex if he gets his chart filled out.


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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

MSP said:


> The potential relationship with your old crush is so shiny and new right now, but if you did go for it, over time you'd end up getting bogged down in life again and no better for it. From the sounds of it, you've been through this before with your previous husband -- you were "so miserable" and then fell for your current husband. Eventually, you'll realize that it's not all the husband's fault you feel like you do.
> 
> What work do each of you do? Can you make some changes to either your work lives or lifestyle so that you can have more time together?
> 
> I also bet that he feels like you're disappointed with him and perhaps controlling or wearing the pants and he doesn't like it, so doesn't cooperate.


Oh, I've been MORE than flexible and trying to be supportive. I'm really trying. I know I need to do more, but it makes me want to give up when I try to improve my shortcomings, and because I feel a little better about myself and am happier (therefore less fighting), he doesn't do anything he promises.

I don't plan on doing anything with my crush. Not even telling him lol. He is so great as a person, but I fully understand that nobody is perfect, even if they seem that way sometimes. I just hate being so jealous of friends who have amazing husbands/fiancees who treat them well, pay attention when they are together, do little romantic things on occasion (im not high maintenance! But more than on Valentine's day and Mothers Day would be nice), do half of the housework/chores/etc. I hate seeing my guy friends talk about the great dinners they make, or how much they love taking their kids to the park.
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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

JustHer said:


> I don't know if this will work. Might even sound like a parent child thing, but...
> 
> what about making a chore chart for your husband? His "reward" for finishing his chores is sex. But, the chores have to be done right and he can mark it off the chart when he completes them. That way it is spelled out exactly what you need - want from him, and he knows he is guaranteed sex if he gets his chart filled out.


We agreed, in counseling, about a year ago that the kitchen and bathrooms would be my responsibility, and the living room and entry would be his. (The rest should be a joint effort). I clean the kitchen (fully) once to twice a week. With dishes and some sweeping daily. Not as much as I want, but not too disgusting. I've also cleaned the entry several times and the living room many times. He has cleaned the entry maybe once or twice, WITH MY HELP, and the living room a few more. I cant spell it out any clearer. If I feel like just a maid and caretaker, why should I WANT to have sex? Why should sex be a reward for being a good boy? Hell,most of the time what he wants he can do himself, so he just shrugs his shoulders and storms off if I say im not in the mood. I've found myself just doing it to keep him from being cranky.
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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

srhgsfjd said:


> What work do each of you do?


We both work in offices. I work 8-5, 5 days a week, he works 9-4 3 days a week.
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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

MrAvg said:


> It already has, you have a building emotional connection to a old flame/love. A mild to strong emotional connection to be hurts more than a physical connection. For me emotional betrayal is of the heart not just lust. You need to limit any or all contact with this old love or it will be your crutch.
> 
> Your hubby does not do much around the house could be related to resentment for lack of things you mention he wants and needs.
> 
> ...


First, he isn't an old love, he is a friend I had a thing for. The more I talk about it (here and with my BFF), the less I have these thoughts and feelings. I'm guessing it was a momentary "grass is greener" situation. But I could NEVER disclose this to my husband. His jealousy streak has already isolated me from several friends because he was uncomfortable with them (including friends I could never be attracted to). 

Second, we haven't seen our MC in months. Hubby was supposed to go on his own, but no matter how many times I reminded him, askedhim, or even called the counselor and asked him to call hubby, he just hasn't made an appointment. I found someone for myself two weeks ago, but he is very full and I havent found an appointment time that works yet. 

I know there is resentment. I've flat out told him I have resentment. I've tried to improve my end of the sex life...generally there is a BJ several times a week, occasionally a HJ or using toys, and when he has the energy we have sex every other week or so (I want it more, but usually he is "too tired" and just wants me to "do stuff" instead of sex).Four years ago (before the preschooler was born), when things were all new and shiny we sometimes had sex 3x a day! Now im lucky if he even wants to touch me.
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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

srhgsfjd said:


> What work do each of you do?


We both work in offices. I work 8-5, 5 days a week. He works 9-4, 3 days a week.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bilover1982 said:


> Then I found out that a friend of mine is single.


And you're not.



bilover1982 said:


> But ever since I started thinking about this guy, I've felt a distance between my husband and I that I haven't felt before.


Well yeah--that's because other guy is taking up all your mindspace.

Talk to your husband about how you feel. If you want to stay married, then you are both going to have to work at it, If not, divorce him and move on.


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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

JustHer said:


> I don't know if this will work. Might even sound like a parent child thing, but...
> 
> what about making a chore chart for your husband? His "reward" for finishing his chores is sex. But, the chores have to be done right and he can mark it off the chart when he completes them. That way it is spelled out exactly what you need - want from him, and he knows he is guaranteed sex if he gets his chart filled out.


No, no, no, no, no. Do not do this! You'll essentially relegate sex to a chore and you'll both end up resentful. Not to mention the whole parent-child thing, which is never sexy for a married couple (except maybe in some southern states  ).


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Also, as I asked originally, can you share what kind of work you both do and whether or not it would be possible to adjust work or your lifestyle? Something has to change, somewhere. 

Secondly, yes, putting on 75lbs is not sexy. You should do something about that. 

Thirdly, he needs to take charge more. His little disconnections and rebellions are probably a knee-jerk reaction to not feeling in charge. It's an unhealthy way for him to express it; he needs to do this in healthy ways. But that won't happen if you try to control him (anyone controlling anyone is a recipe for eventual disaster).


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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Talk to your husband about how you feel. If you want to stay married, then you are both going to have to work at it, If not, divorce him and move on.


 Ha. I've told him how I feel. Ive told him if he doesn't step up, he might as well move out. I've told him I cant feel intimate if I feel like he is walking all over me and treating me like a slave. But if I tell him ANYTHING about this friend, I'm a horrible person and emotionally cheating, hating him, etc etc. Nothing constructive would come of it. 

I know I'm very negative right now. But it is hard to be positive when all my attempts at change have been met with nothing on his part. Even last night he slept on the couch until I woke up, then when I came downstairs at 6:30 with DS, he went upstairs and is still asleep. We were supposed to go shopping this morning, but he is sleeping. And i cant go without him because we are borrowing his dad's car (standard) while ours is in the shop and I don't know how to drive it. Even if we had our car, I couldn't go without him, he would freak out. So I'm sitting here (after making me and DS breakfast, getting us dressed, cleaning the kitchen, and doing 2 loads of laundry) watching kids shows and just...waiting. I've tried to wake him up, hut he just grunts or says "in a minute". Yet I see him posting things on Facebook when I come back downstairs. 

But I feel like the failure because I cant fix this. I've been trying for 2 years. But hell, why should he leave? He puts MAYBE half his paycheck into the family (I put 100%),and even sometimes tells me "oh, I can only do $100 this week, I have to buy a new xyz"...so that's $100 less we have for groceries/gas (his money pays for 1/3 of our gas/grocery budget...I pay all of the rest of the bills). Essentially he gets almost free room and board, free car payment, etc etc. But we fight about this probably weekly. The same fight. Nothing ever changes. He was unemployed for over a year and a half until I found him a job. He had this job for a year and never even looked for something full time until I applied for two jobs for him. 

Im just so frickin frustrated. I know I have to put work into this, I have to change too. But I feel like ive tried and tried and it's his turn to try.
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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

MSP said:


> Also, as I asked originally, can you share what kind of work you both do and whether or not it would be possible to adjust work or your lifestyle? Something has to change, somewhere.
> 
> Secondly, yes, putting on 75lbs is not sexy. You should do something about that.
> 
> Thirdly, he needs to take charge more. His little disconnections and rebellions are probably a knee-jerk reaction to not feeling in charge. It's an unhealthy way for him to express it; he needs to do this in healthy ways. But that won't happen if you try to control him (anyone controlling anyone is a recipe for eventual disaster).


Yeah, depression sucks, as do hormone issues. I was in the program to have weight loss surgery, but my husband actually told me he was worried I would be too hot if I got skinny again, and he also didnt want to have to take care of the house info had surgery.

Ive tried to answer about the jobs, but it gets deleted.I work in an insurance office, 8-5, 5 days a week. He works in customer service, 9-4, 3 days a week.
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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Thanks for answering with some extra details. Hmm. Firstly, your husband really needs to get a grip. But it can't be you who tells him this, IMO. He needs to either hear it from another guy or discover it himself. But, yeah, he needs to make changes. He might benefit from a book like No More Mister Nice Guy, believe it or not. He might not seem like a "nice guy" to you right now, but what he needs to learn is to how to effectively be a leader without sulking when he doesn't get his way. 

Why did he sleep on the couch? Sounds like it's because he's upset with you. Is that right? The sex stuff needs to change. It really does. He'll become more and more disconnected from you. 

As for weight loss, I strongly recommend against surgery. So many people suffer from complications afterward. Get yourself inspired by sites like Healthy Like Me and slog through it. I recommend a raw vegan diet for three months, followed by a diet where you avoid processed food as much as possible, and as much physical activity as you can handle.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Write him a letter. For what ever reason, men usually respond better to letters than discussions. When we wives talk to our husbands to them it sounds like we are bi**ing at them.

In the letter state all the things you do for him and the things he does for you, this will show him how lopsided it is. State your grievances about this and what the solution needs to be. Discuss your lopsided sex life, also state what the solution needs to be.
Be very specific in what you say, do not leave anything ambiguous and be short, don't go on and on about things. It would also help if you numbered things. Tell him he needs to "man up" and do his part in this relationship and that you are not willing to settle for a part change or a limited change, this needs to be all the way and forever. You will need to let him know that this is a deal breaker for you and he doesn't get engaged in this relationship it is over. Then you need to be prepared to follow through with it.


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## bilover1982 (Jan 31, 2014)

MSP said:


> Thanks for answering with some extra details. Hmm. Firstly, your husband really needs to get a grip. But it can't be you who tells him this, IMO. He needs to either hear it from another guy or discover it himself.
> 
> Yes, he does. Our counselor (male) told him this.Before he started making excuses to get out of going, we were supposed to do something nice for each other at least once a day. Then the counselor would ask "when did you feel connected, like he/she wanted to make you happy?" I did so many things (massages, special desserts, cute postits, sexy picture texts if possible, etc), but he did maybe a few things the first week. After that, when the counselor asked him what he felt he did this week to make me feel wanted/needed, he would just shrug his shoulders. He didnt have time. He didnt have money. I don't want flowers and candy and stuffed animals. I don't need things that cost money...we have enough crap in our house. I want him to say something other than "love ya" that implies we are supposed to be romantically connected. He writes songs, and started writing one for me when we started dating. He never finished it, and has forgotten how it goes. My back went out while I was doing some plumbing repairs three weeks ago...do you think he would rub it? Sure...with his foot while I massaged his legs because they were restless.
> 
> ...


I have always been a little overweight, even when I was vegan. The only time I went down to a very healthy/thin weight was when I was on chemotherapy.I gained about 25# after that to a healthy size 8-10. I stayed there for a few years, but never got a period. I went to the doctors and they said my fertility had been affected by the chemo. I was, according to them, sterile, and my hormones were still going crazy. Because that could have affected my bones and other things (I was technically in menopause at 24), they put me on drugs to regulate my hormones. My weight jumped up about 30#. Then, PROOF, I got pregnant (sterile my ass). I gained 40# in that pregnancy, and lost 30 in the first 2 months after the baby was born. And then my hormones went wild. First my thyroid, then my estrogen, then FISH. Things are keeping the weight on.
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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear of your situation, and I can see it from your point of view.

For about a year, I was working full-time, my partner part-time. She spent her spare time doing her own little things instead of say, cooking or housework, or helping me with the admin side (at home) of my job. So I was stressed, and started smoking again and going out drinking with colleagues instead of moping around the house with her. I payed the rent, and it was her job to cover the electric and water - so I payed about ten times what she did.

I had to show her how to cook, and she really got into it, trying different recipes and things. Eventually she helped me with my admin. I also got her to find films for us to watch, and go out to buy the groceries while I slept before work (we both worked in the evenings).

So ... what is my point?

This: it doesn't have to be _equal_ contributions for it to be fair, in fact there is no 'fair' as another poster always says. You could concentrate on getting him to do those key things which would relieve you of your stress the most, instead of looking at 'financial' equality/the difficulty of the task.

So for example, by her going shopping for ingredients while I had a power nap, the financial "worth" of this was zero, because I would have done it if she weren't there. But in terms of 'how much it helped me' it was a huge difference, that she went alone instead of needing me to go too.

More examples: her having a few good films lined up - it doesn't sound like much, right? But it really helped on Sundays when I would otherwise be bored brainless. As a result, I was chilled on Monday, and we could do something together.

So, think of four little, non-financial, but hugely helpful to you contributions that he could easily do, and watch both your lives improve, because men want to be useful.

And don't say "putting up a shelf" I mean simple everyday things like "have breakfast ready to go the night before, for the kids in the morning" - and please share what those things would be.

Even a born-mentally-disabled man wants to feel useful. In fact, our sex-drive and our positivity _is directly connected_ to how useful we are to others, in our own eyes. Feel unwanted, like a lump? Then no sex drive. Just like that! 

You can tap into that without 'feminising' him, by your choice of tasks !

In the meantime, stop fantasising, because you will act on it if you "find yourself" in a situation. Your body is in control of you, not vice-versa, and the unbidden fantasy is a certain sign that your hormones have taken over, and you can't trust yourself.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

bilover1982 said:


> My husband feels like I don't give him enough time, we don't do enough dates, and we don't have sex enough.
> 
> I feel like I'm stuck doing all of the housework, cooking, finances, most of the child care, and still work 40 hours a week (he works 20). Our house is atrocious because I can't keep up, and the stress of it all makes me sick.


So you work 40 hrs p/w & he 20? What's with the atrocious house then? He plays computer games you say?


> We've done counseling, to no avail. Our counselor told my husband that couples counseling wouldn't help that much if HE didn't get help for some of his anger/negativity issues first...I put it on him to get that help, and that was over 6 months ago. He hasn't gone once.


He's really motivated then isn't he.


> Then I found out that a friend of mine is single. I had a crush on him when I was 18 and we worked together, but nothing ever came of it. He was with the same woman for going on 12 years, and he just mentioned something about how he can't sleep since they split.


Here's where you move to fantasy land. OK, maybe your crush would fall for you, BUT he was your crush, you weren't his. And he hasn't been able to sleep since his breakup so he's not really single in his own mind. 
I don't blame you ONE BIT for going to fantasy land. I've been there more than once. 
Your situation is so sad. You have a baby, you're working like a dog 40 hrs/wk, your house is a mess. He is working 20 hrs/wk and telling you that you are not giving him enough attention? sex? You kidding me?
The counsellor saw it. Unless he deals with whatever issues he's got nothing ain't gonna change. But he won't - you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
Forget your old crush. It will only frustrate you - he can't sleep because he is so heartbroken anyway so don't start anything with him, even on Facebook etc cos you might end up being his rebound, the comforting arms. You do NOT want to be that. 

You need your manchild to get his act together. Are you willing to leave him if things don't change? Truly ready to do that? When you truly believe you are there, simply tell him. But you gotta mean it. 
In the meantime I'm not sure what you can do because your guy needs a big wake-up call. 
PS I was SO glad to hear you own your house. But surely he would get half of it if you did leave him? Also check out exactly what he is doing on his phone? Who is he talking to on Facebook? I'm not saying he is doing anything suspicious and I know you love him and you have your good days together as you said. But then he falls back to his old ways. He seems to have sort of checked out, for whatever reason. You need to look into a few things and look out for you and your child.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

This may seem a bit far fetched and maybe I'm just in one of those moods this morning, but your situation seems so childish (as in, he is acting a bit like a large child) that I would have seriously rented a car to go get your groceries, then left the bill on his pillow. 

Sometimes ludicrous actions are needed to poke a stick up the arse of ludicrous people. Not saying it would get results from him, but your day could go on. My point is, he is disrupting your day and your mental wellbeing with his behavior. Show that it doesn't matter what he does, you'll sort things very well on your own and send the bill his way. He is reaping the benefit of having groceries too, isn't he?

Just wanted to add, weight fluctuates due to many factors in life, but it is in your best interest to stay healthy, not because you're hoping it will attract your mate more, but because only you are responsible for you. If it happens to be a knock on result that he is more attracted, great, but do it for you!


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

These kinds of situations--where one person is willing to do the hard work but the other is not--don't seem to often end well. Just observation. You guys will probably have to hit rock bottom for your husband to have even a 50/50 chance (if that) of deciding he needs to work on himself and step up. 

He definitely needs to get the message that you're serious. I've been where you are. Different issues, but same place basically. My husband refused to do anything for me but still expected me to do everything for him. We went to counseling, I begged, cried, wrote letters... nothing. Finally we separated. Still nothing. But I know for some couples, the separation is a real wake-up. Also, you have to go into it really meaning it, I think that was my mistake. Ultimately, it wasn't a good time for our kids to divorce, so we got back together and things have been exactly the same.

Next time we separate, I won't even consider reconciling unless I see some serious, sustained effort on my H's part. And I'll be prepared to file for D if it doesn't happen.

Good luck, I hope your H wakes up and mans up.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Can you get some IC for yourself?

To me, it doesn't sound like you have healthy boundaries (you mentioned feeling like a slave and you prostitute yourself for him- give him constant sexual favors with no reciprocity). Were you a victim of CSA?

If I was you, I would get IC to work on boundaries and self respect and do the 180: work on self improvement (exercise, eat right, career/school goals, interesting hobbies, etc)


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Can you get some IC for yourself?
> 
> To me, it doesn't sound like you have healthy boundaries (you mentioned feeling like a slave and you prostitute yourself for him- give him constant sexual favors with no reciprocity). Were you a victim of CSA?
> 
> If I was you, I would get IC to work on boundaries and self respect and do the 180: work on self improvement (exercise, eat right, career/school goals, interesting hobbies, etc)


:iagree:

Your husband has shown you that he's not going to respect you (forget love, honor, and cherish) unless you put up a hard line. (Even then, he might not). Regardless of him, you have to become a stronger person for you. Why have you put up with this treatment for so long. My guess is that he was like this even before you married. Why did you accept it then? He's probably not going to treat you better until you truly believe that you deserve better.

I've spent the year since our failed separation working on myself. Putting myself first physically (it's horrid the extent to which I neglected my health so I could take care of everyone else in my family), putting time into my career, and learning to say No when that was what I wanted, instead of worrying about what other people would think. It took me almost a year to get to the point where I could say no to sex with my H, because it left me feeling so used and dirty. So even though our relationship hasn't improved, I feel like this year has been time well spent. My kids got another year in a 2-parent home, we saved money, I had a year of full custody, and I didn't do what so many of my friends who have divorced and jumped straight into dating without doing the hard work have done: fall into another bad relationship and drag their kids through another breakup. You have a child too, so don't rush. Grow, take care of yourself. Give your husband time to decide if he wants to join you in grown-up land. And if it ultimately doesn't work out, then you'll be strong enough to see them, and yourself, through the difficult transition that a divorce will be.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

bilover1982 said:


> I have always been a little overweight, even when I was vegan. The only time I went down to a very healthy/thin weight was when I was on chemotherapy.I gained about 25# after that to a healthy size 8-10. I stayed there for a few years, but never got a period. I went to the doctors and they said my fertility had been affected by the chemo. I was, according to them, sterile, and my hormones were still going crazy. Because that could have affected my bones and other things (I was technically in menopause at 24), they put me on drugs to regulate my hormones. My weight jumped up about 30#. Then, PROOF, I got pregnant (sterile my ass). I gained 40# in that pregnancy, and lost 30 in the first 2 months after the baby was born. And then my hormones went wild. First my thyroid, then my estrogen, then FISH. Things are keeping the weight on.


Yeah, you've been through the mill a bit. I can relate, because I had health issues that effected my hormones. I've had different prescriptions, too. For thyroid, I believe desiccated thyroid is much better than stuff like Synthroid. Check out STTM for more info about this. I'm no longer on any prescriptions, but I sometimes take desiccated thyroid when I'm feeling off. Amino acids have helped me, too, as well as a good diet and exercise. Make sure you get enough fat in your diet; it's important for hormone production, because your body synthesizes hormones from cholesterol.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If you decide to follow new guy, have the decency to end with old guy first.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

So...this man has a live-in cash cow, maid and wh*re. Sorry to be harsh and blunt in this post, your thread got my dander up because we teach people how to treat us. You have taught him that you are a doormat. I have been there, albeit in a different situation.

If he is not stepping up he can step out. Separation is not necessarily permanent so grow a spine and ask him to leave your home for some thinking time: his return to your marriage is conditional on his attending counselling, maintaining his own flat to a basic standard, going without his sexual whims being met and paying his own bills for a while. Like a MAN. I doubt he wants sex with his mother any more than you want sex with your child. 

Please ask yourself and him exactly what needs YOU get met by this marriage? If he knows you are afraid of divorce he'll be quite confident that you wont leave him, so why change his comfortable existence while you settle for his scraps? Shake him up, you both need to realise that in the reality you describe he needs you a lot more than you need him.

Start the 180 now. Lose that weight for YOURSELF. Medical issues may be reasons, but there are no excuses. I cut out wheat. This stopped my constant hunger from blood sugar spikes so I could eat more sensibly. I started with light exercise and built the intensity as the weight fell off. I got asked out again and I feel attractive and fantastic. 

Get positive and concentrate on your own personal growth. IF after you lose the weight, look great, feel great, manage your own life without his additional burdens on you: you still want him and he has kept up his end of the bargain, then you can welcome him back with open arms. 

My guess is you will gain a very different perspective on this man during a separation period... I truly wish you the best in becoming happy. Just don't rely on HIM for your happiness!


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