# Some thoughts...



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

Lately I have just been adjusting to the reality of living alone with my child once again. Divorce is looming, ex and I both know the marriage is over, but too sad to take the next step. Although it is inevitable.

I have had dreams that he's getting re-married...I wake up and tell myself to be prepared for it because it will happen one day.

I am so so so so so sad at the thought that I might very well be single for the rest of my life. Not necessarily because I won't find anyone else, but definitely because I won't find anyone I'm willing to take a chance on or trust enough with my heart and future. I've become so afraid of marital relationships. I used to think my husband was the best guy in the world and I was head over heels in love with him, even a year into our marriage...anybody whose read my past threads know how that turned out. I'm also afraid I won't be accommodating enough to make a future marriage successful. I bent over backwards for my ex until I broke, and I've become very protective of myself.

I'm somewhat frustrated by the lack of empathy shown from friends/family. "Friends"...one thing divorce taught me is who is a true friend, and who is a friend until hardship befalls me. A lot of married couples feel threatened by the end of a friend's marriage. I'm disappointed about that. That being said, one of my cousins has been a very strong source of company and support and kindness, and I found a true friend in her. So something positive came out of the negative. She even left me a written note the last time she visited, saying how much she loves me and thinks I'm a good person. I put it on my fridge.  I have many others who have listened to me vent etc. but I'm not sure I truly trust them to care about me...it might just be a willingness to listen to something gossip-worthy.

And altogether, this split is hard because it feels like someone close to me died. It really feels like the death of a loved one. Only I'm grieving in silence.

Yesterday, for the first time, my daughter asked me, "Mommy, do you love Daddy? Does Daddy love you?" I don't know where it came from, she just turned 3 and is obviously more intelligent than I realized. I told her "Because of Daddy, I have you, so I love him for that."

And lastly...
Sometimes I feel like my life is over.
Other times I feel like my life has begun a new and I have to figure out a plan of what I want to accomplish and how to get there. Which I don’t have right now. I’m providing for my daughter and working full time…but there has got to be more than this.

I just wanted to put my thoughts out there. Thanks for reading.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

So. Imagine if your life was AWESOME.

What things would be different than they are now?

Once you figure that out, you might consider starting to make choices that get you closer to AWESOME, and stop dwelling on the past.

You seem really comfortable being miserable. Re-evaluation of life's priorities is called for.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

We all have sad endings at some point. Maybe we have a break up, maybe we lose a job, maybe a loved one dies. It is so painful. 

We continue with our lives, but with the pain around us. Sometimes it is overwhelming, almost suffocating. It feels like there is no hope. Just endless sadness.

But slowly it will get better. In a year you will feel better than you do now. In two years even better.

It is unlikely you will never repartner, unless you truly do not want to. When the time is right, someone better suited to you will come into your life. Trust in that.

I like your answer to your daughter. That is a good attitude to have moving forward.

(((OP))) I am sorry it is so hard right now.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Orange, life is full of challenges.....that's the nature of our existence. Anyone can ride good times but it's how we pick ourselves up from the bad times that separates the adults and children.

I've been divorced with 2 and 5 year old boys.....I know what that's like. You're in the grief process and that's normal.....but to shut great potential partners out of your life is ridiculous. Life is all about risk and if you don't expose yourself to it you'll leave this life without having lived.

With great risk also can come great reward.

You'll get there on your own timetable. As for your stbx, yes he will find someone, but she'll have to put up with what you did. He's not going to cut any apron strings for a new woman, so if he does find one pity her.

Take some time to think about what you can do differently and what red flag you'll pay attention to next time, and when the time is right you'll meet someone else.

I'm now almost 11 years into the first relationship I had after my ex, but I did not marry him for 6 years. I was fine on my own, which freed me up to make an educated decision.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Orange, life is full of challenges.....that's the nature of our existence. Anyone can ride good times but it's how we pick ourselves up from the bad times that separates the adults and children.
> 
> I've been divorced with 2 and 5 year old boys.....I know what that's like. You're in the grief process and that's normal.....but to shut great potential partners out of your life is ridiculous. Life is all about risk and if you expose yourself to it you'll leave this life without having lived.
> 
> ...


Very true. 

My niece's husband left her for another woman. The new woman has told my niece her complaints about her husband, and they were the same ones my niece had.

She met someone new and they are now engaged. Just give it time. There is hope.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When a marriage ends, it's natural to mourn it and to not be able to see a life beyond it. Time helps -- lots of time -- but it can feel as though it's moving in very, very slow motion. I know how much you wanted to save your marriage and hoped he would wake up. I wish he had too.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

NotLikeYou said:


> So. Imagine if your life was AWESOME.
> 
> What things would be different than they are now?
> 
> ...


Your advice to envision a great life and take steps that will bring me closer to that vision, is very good advice. I've thought about it and realize I don't know what my "awesome" life looks like...so I will give this serious thought.

It's insensitive, though, to say I'm comfortable being miserable. I'm grieving the loss of my marriage which is a healthy thing to do (am I supposed to walk around with a happy fake face all the time?!). The marriage was important to me and ending it DOES feel like someone died. I certainly hope I'm not unhappy forever. I come here for emotional support when I am at my lowest points.

One thing my "awesome" future life would involve is being fit. I'm not at my healthiest right now and have started exercising daily. I also hope to travel to some more exotic destinations and see the world. So I guess these 2 things are do-able in the next year or so.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jld said:


> We all have sad endings at some point. Maybe we have a break up, maybe we lose a job, maybe a loved one dies. It is so painful.
> 
> We continue with our lives, but with the pain around us. Sometimes it is overwhelming, almost suffocating. It feels like there is no hope. Just endless sadness.
> 
> ...


Thank you jld. It is so difficult. I'm at work right now and I can't help crying at my desk. You describe the pain perfectly.

Yesterday was probably the 2nd lowest/worst day since my first split from ex-husband over a year ago. I went through this entire process then...but going through it a 2nd time because of the failed reconciliation.

I feel like a failure. But I try to remind myself of all the obstacles I've overcome over the past year and half. My marriage failed, I haven't. There's more to life.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Orange, life is full of challenges.....that's the nature of our existence. Anyone can ride good times but it's how we pick ourselves up from the bad times that separates the adults and children.
> 
> I've been divorced with 2 and 5 year old boys.....I know what that's like. You're in the grief process and that's normal.....but to shut great potential partners out of your life is ridiculous. Life is all about risk and if you don't expose yourself to it you'll leave this life without having lived.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you're sharing your own experience with me...it helps me to hear things like this.

It's easy for me to say I'm not open to any new relationship, during a divorce process. Who knows what the future holds. I'll just be more aware and cautious if/when the time comes.

You're right that he won't cut any apron strings for a new partner.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> When a marriage ends, it's natural to mourn it and to not be able to see a life beyond it. Time helps -- lots of time -- but it can feel as though it's moving in very, very slow motion. I know how much you wanted to save your marriage and hoped he would wake up. I wish he had too.


Yesterday, I felt so horribly low, like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I kept telling myself, "tomorrow I will feel better". And today I feel a little better. 

Isolating myself is such a bad idea, I tend to do that when I’m sad. My parents and sister came over because they realized how bad I was feeling and wanted to show support. I’m going to lean more on them, to help me get through this time. Strength and independence don’t mean much when I stay alone in my condo most of the time.

A big part of why this is so hard for me is, I moved into this condo thinking eventually my husband will join me. He did for 3 months. Now, I know the split is permanent and we won't get back together. Although I know it’s for the best, it’s still extremely painful. I’m left wondering what the future holds, it looks bleak and colourless right now.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Orange: You've got everything in the world to live for ~ all in the form of that previous three-year old that you have in your charge!

In time, romantic love will find you once again ~ that is a given! But for now you have the love of God right there squarely in your presence! For the time being, just love and cherish her for who she is ~ everything else, including romantic love, will take care of itself, all in the due course of time!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

one of the hardest things we have to do in this life is letting go someone you love.

i remember a love i once had. i realized one day her love for me had run it's course.
i realized that my last parting expression of love for her should be to let her go.

so, i went out to my balcony one starry night and thought about her like i had done many times over the years.
in my minds eye, i took her hand in mine, like i had so many times, and squeezed it gently, but tightly.
and then, slowly i let her hand go and said to myself; "goodbye my love, goodbye..........."
i said it several times hoping that goodbye could reach through the sky across the continent and somehow reach her.

i don't know if it ever did. that of course was not the end of my hurt and pain, but i held strong and let her go without trying to ever contact her again.
looking back, i think that what i did was my last testament to prove my love for her.

it's never easy. someday, the hurt and pain will be replaced with something new and better for you.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

My heart goes out to you. Divorce is hard, it feels as if a loved one has passed away and you are not sure how to live without them. It is so hard to let that person go. A part of you will always love him despite the fact that it gets better everyday. Don't worry about him remarrying or the fact that you may not ever want to remarry again. Take your time to grieve and heal and go out with your friends and socialize. Have casual dates. Don't worry about the serious steps in a relationship anytime soon. Once you start to feel better, giving yourself that me time will help. You have support here.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

arbitrator, I do try to focus on my daughter. You are right that she is my lifeline at this time. I just feel so sad for her because she understands that her parents are no longer together and cries for us sometimes. When I see the tears in her eyes, I feel like a HUGE failure as a mother and caretaker. It breaks my heart. No 3 year old deserves that kind of emotional turmoil. When she’s older, I can explain to her that her dad and I would argue often and she’d get scared and we were all unhappy, so we couldn’t stay together. But right now she’s too young.

jorgegene, thank you for sharing your story. It is one of the hardest things to do: lose someone we love, knowing we could get them back in our lives if we wanted. But I can’t ask him to come back because if I do, the cycle would repeat itself. Sometimes hanging on hurts more than letting go.

Danielle, thank you for your kind words and support. Time will heal the freshness of the wounds, even if the scar will always be there. I do hope for a brighter future. I just feel soooooo emotionally and psychologically weak. I don’t feel strong in my mind. I get upset quickly and am super sensitive.


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