# I Want to move and he dosen't..Who Wins??



## dimpels (May 27, 2014)

Hello. I'm new here. Im 31 years old and I have been married 10 years now. My husband and I have been through almost everything that would split a married couple up. Infidelity, Addiction, Lying, finance issues...Anyway here's my current situation. 

About a year and a half ago my husband was fired from his job because a 15 year old girl told someone that they slept together. The accusation turned into a big deal and he got fired, arrested and it was in the paper for the community to see. Our name was dragged through the mud and we had a hard time getting through this. After a year of hell turns out the girl was lying and he was cleared of everything. But he did not get his job back. We split up for a short period of time because he got to where he just didnt even talk to me and cut me off totally emotionally. He works a cab job parttime and the owner is selfish and wont pay him on time. 

Well we sought counseling and the marriage counselor told us it was a miracle we were still together. He told us to go to individual counseling and then come back together and work on our marriage. Well, he never sought individual counseling so here we are. 

As of right now we are living in a small town that he grew up in and where all of his family is here. I have no family here and no friends. I work fulltime and pay all the bills and he just pretty much pays his car note and thats it. He can't find a job because all the crap that happened and he has a felony from the past. I am very unhappy here in this small town and Im ready to move back to my hometown in Tennessee. Where my family is and more than likely he can find a freakin job! He insists that he dosent want to move to my hometown because he hates it there. And he says that He and my daughter are my family, so why do I need to move close to my other family members. Which I think is pretty hypocritical because his family lives right down the road. Well I dont see the point in struggling to live here when we could move somewhere else and do alot better. It dont think it's right that I moved 7 hours away from my family to be with him and we have been here 10 years it's time for a change. Now my question is what do I do? Give him an ultimatium? Give him a time frame? It seems to me he really has no ambition for a change and really dosent care what I want. I'm tired of paying all these bills by myself! Im tired of all the stress!! Help!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO I think you have been through enough with him. Its time to do something healthy for you, something you would like to do. If you are the soul bread winner and paying all the bills, then you should be able to move back to your hometown. Decide if thats what you want to do. If he wants to come, fine, if not, then its time for you to start over.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You do. Go.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm thinking it's time you move on from this person. He's obviously an anchor around your neck. What does he have to offer? Is he meeting any of your needs? I'm not talking financial either.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I can relate to wanting to move. I moved across the province back in 2003 when I met my spouse so we live close to his family and I fly out once a year or so to go and see mine (and Facebook and call them a lot). He also cheated on me and I absolutely wanted to move back home.

If you want to go - go NOW. Don't wait because the move will only be harder on your kids once they get older and their roots deeper in where you live now.

I would of moved home but I feel that I can't because to do so would hurt my son (almost 10) who is close to my spouse's side of the family. However, if he were younger when it happened, I would of moved and not looked back.

Alternatively, I'd suggest moving somewhere in the middle. Put yourselves within about a three hour drive of both of your home towns. My SIL lives 4 hours away and sees her family twice a month, once with her kids and once without so it's very doable.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Tell him your moving and if he wants he can come with you. I had to do this with my husband once because we lived in Detroit and had a newborn baby and there are no jobs in Detroit. He was hesitant at first when I asked if we could move then I said we HAVE to move and he said ok. We lived off food stamps and struggled. We also lived in the hood. We ended up moving to Cali and lived in a good neighborhood then he joined the military and I follow him whereever he goes.


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## dimpels (May 27, 2014)

Honestly to answer your question, he doesnt meet any of my needs. He agreed to move anywhere else OTHER THAN MY HOMETOWN! He dosen't know where he wnats to move and isn't making any decisions or plans to move and I have been bugging him almost three times a week. Seems to me he dosen't want to move! Our daughter is 9 years old and I think she will adjust fine considering there is nothing for kids to do in this little crazy town. 
My problem right now is that I have a car payment that is very high. I don't want to loose my car or kill myself trying to pay for this car. I owe 12,000 on it. Right now I am making good money at the job i'm at, thats pretty much the whole reason why i'm still here. I'm afraid I will get there (to my hometown) and I will be in debt and then have to fight him for custody of my daughter. Knowing him he will fight to the end. 
Another thing, I do love him. He has an illness and we have not had sex in a long time. It hurts my feelings like it is my fault. He says he dosent feel good when I ask for sex. He also says things like "I cant provide for my family, its a man thing." Its like he wants me to feel sorry for him, but I don't. I don't feel like he would finanacally support me if I didnt have a job.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He meets none of your needs

That's really all you need to know at this point to make your decision.

If you are paying the bills and taking care of yourself and all he's doing is paying his car note, hold off on moving til your car is paid off. Kick him out and take him to court for custody and support. He brings nothing to the table but heartache for you it seems.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Bottom line you will need to make a choice, stay or go. 

He doesn't want to move to your hometown because he doesn't want you around your family/friends. Thats controlling. He has family where he is, so hopefully someone will help him. You either stay so you wont lose your car, or you go to gain some peace and sanity in your life. Its all in what you feel is more important. Also he can fight tooth and nail to get custody if he wants, but I doubt he will win that one.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

What about moving right outside of your hometown ?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I would say, move to where the person with the highest paying job can work! If that is right where u are now...maybe move to the next town over? So you can keep the job, but find new friends who do not know the whole saga


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

Do you have any job offers in the city where you want to move? Has your husband applied for jobs in different cities as well? I might recommend that you both start job hunting in several different locations, and then when offers start coming through, you can make an informed decision together where the best place would be for your family. 

If that doesn't work, you might want to ask a counselor to help you sort through this issue. Having a mediator of sorts will help you look at the situation from a non-skewed perspective. Best of luck to you. You'll be in my prayers.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The way I see it you have two choices:

1) stay where you are and keep doing what you're doing

2) move

You know that number 1 isn't going to work. You're too unhappy. Stop procrastinating and make the final decision.

I'm sure you could apply for jobs before you moved. Find the job, then move.


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## dimpels (May 27, 2014)

Well, I want to move back home but I can't just up and move. When I told him I was going to move back home when I was mad, he said that my daughter was not going with me. Yeah he is controlling like that. The thing is, my daughter knows his family which is here near us and really does not know my family as well. 
Like I said, I have a car note that I would not be able to afford if I moved back home. His cousin recently passed away last week and I was there for him and his family this whole past weekend. I feel like im just here to cater to his needs and thats it. It's like he could care a less about me until he needs something. Then, its me that he comes to saying will you do me a favor? He said yesterday he was going back on a job hunt today. Then he asked if we could afford a 120 a month payment for a new riding lawnmower because ours broke down. It's like he just don't get it. Then in the same sentence he said we can't afford for him not to work for another month. I don't know what to do, I can't just up and leave him. Allthough I think he would leave me.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Trade your car in for a more affordable car. Then move. This felon sounds like he will bring you down with him, but only if YOU ALLOW IT!

If he got convicted of something against a minor, you have an obligation to protect your daughter. If you move with her, and he does not file for your return right away, you have status quo and he will have limited visitation.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would not move anywhere until I had a job.

Start applying for jobs closer to where your family is. Not necessarily in the exact town.

Start looking for jobs for him as well. Tell him to do the same.


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## dimpels (May 27, 2014)

He wasn't convicted of doing anything with a minor. He was found Not-guilty and that the girl was lying. He was arrested only because of what the girl said happenend. 
I could trade my car in for a cheaper one, lol. I probably need to. That is something that I will think about.
We are supposed to talk about things today. I brought up alot of things that I am unhappy about. Affection is one thing I can't live without. I asked him If he still was in love with me and his response was a little eery. He said, "You are my wife, I love you." I felt like he was saying that he loved me because I was his wife. Like he loves the position that I hold. If he is no longer in love with me than I can't get mad, I will be really hurt. But it is what it is. Maybe this will solve the moving situation. 
Really I feel like he dosen't want to move back to my home town because he dosen't want to leave his Aunt here by herself. She is like a MoM to him. I will keep everyone updated. Thanks :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

see a lawyer,get a free consultation see what your rights are. then with the lawyers advice start an exit plan. be patient and stay the course.


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