# New Member - Wondering about wife's behaviour



## hmmhu

I am a new member (obviously). I have been married to my wife for 6 years and up until recently we have had a good marriage. We are having some problems in our marriage that concern me. Hopefully talking them out will help and maybe someone will have a similar experience. 


For the last 6 months my wife hasn't been herself. We use to have a very open and honest marriage, with secrecy. If I needed to look something up and didn't have my phone one I wouldn't hesitate to use hers, and vice versa. We knew each others passwords for everything and there were no surprises. If we had problems we were able to talk to each other about it. We had a good marriage.

My wife use to want to spend a lot of time with me (more than I wanted), but now she doesn't want to spend much time with me and gets frustrated when I do. She is on her phone non-stop. She takes her phone everywhere with her and it's basically glued to her hand. Even if she is just going from the table to the fridge at dinner to get something, she takes her phone. It never gets put down. She doesn't like me to use her phone or laptop. If I ask to use either she has to "check something" first or says no. She hides both when she isn't using them. When she leaves them laying around I check them. She clears her history a frequently. I haven't found anything on her phone or computer that leads to cheating. She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed. 

We have always fought, but the fights are worse now. Previously our fights were almost exclusively about my ex. Now we are fighting more about her needing more space, which she has never wanted. Anytime I try and talk to her about this issue she finds something that I've done to spin the fight.

For a long time I've been concerned about cheating, but I haven't had any proof of that. She stays home with our kids and is almost always home. The kids haven't said anything about another man being around. Our sex life hasn't changed, if anything it's better. She hasn't changed her appearance or anything like that.

I've checked her phone and laptop and found nothing. Is there anything that can explain her behaviour besides cheating? She denies it, and there hasn't been any proof of it. She says nothing is wrong/she just needs space too.


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## BruceBanner

She's obviously cheating.


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## BobSimmons

hmmhu said:


> I am a new member (obviously). I have been married to my wife for 6 years and up until recently we have had a good marriage. We are having some problems in our marriage that concern me. Hopefully talking them out will help and maybe someone will have a similar experience.
> 
> 
> For the last 6 months my wife hasn't been herself. We use to have a very open and honest marriage, with secrecy. If I needed to look something up and didn't have my phone one I wouldn't hesitate to use hers, and vice versa. We knew each others passwords for everything and there were no surprises. If we had problems we were able to talk to each other about it. We had a good marriage.
> 
> My wife use to want to spend a lot of time with me (more than I wanted), but now she doesn't want to spend much time with me and gets frustrated when I do. She is on her phone non-stop. She takes her phone everywhere with her and it's basically glued to her hand. Even if she is just going from the table to the fridge at dinner to get something, she takes her phone. It never gets put down. She doesn't like me to use her phone or laptop. If I ask to use either she has to "check something" first or says no. She hides both when she isn't using them. When she leaves them laying around I check them. She clears her history a frequently. I haven't found anything on her phone or computer that leads to cheating. She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed.
> 
> We have always fought, but the fights are worse now. Previously our fights were almost exclusively about my ex. Now we are fighting more about her needing more space, which she has never wanted. Anytime I try and talk to her about this issue she finds something that I've done to spin the fight.
> 
> For a long time I've been concerned about cheating, but I haven't had any proof of that. She stays home with our kids and is almost always home. The kids haven't said anything about another man being around. Our sex life hasn't changed, if anything it's better. She hasn't changed her appearance or anything like that.
> 
> I've checked her phone and laptop and found nothing. Is there anything that can explain her behaviour besides cheating? She denies it, and there hasn't been any proof of it. She says nothing is wrong/she just needs space too.


Really?

This post just seems so vanilla and naive...


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## Marc878

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## SunCMars

Go silent run deep.

Stop questioning, become a smiling secretive detective. 

If you keep questioning and pressure her she will take this 'something' underground.

Others will tell you how to snoop.

Say nothing until you have a smoking gun, or you find one is not 'there'.

If she is innocent of cheating, the fact that she hides her communication is one form of cheating.

She is hiding her innermost thoughts. 
You should be her outermost sounding board.

Be patient, not a patient in a psych ward.

Just Sayin'


[THRD]


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## hmmhu

I don't think she is cheating. Maybe I just don't want to believe that she would/could, but I haven't had any proof of her cheating. She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often. I could be looking too far into that. I have looked at her phone extensively and her computer. She clears her internet history but I haven't found anything. No weird apps, no texts, no unknown numbers, no strange emails. I spent hours trying to find an online dating profile, nothing. Our sex life is good and hasn't gone sour. I've checked the phone bill, there is nothing there. 

The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it. And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping. 

If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?


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## twoofus

hmmhu said:


> She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often.
> The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it.?


So does she go out to work or not?


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## Robert22205

It's important that you provide as much detail as possible to receive the best advice.

At first I thought she was a stay at home mom .... but now it sounds she works. Even a part time job opens the door to meeting someone face to face and is a very different situation.

You both should read: NOT JUST FRIENDS by shirley glass. It's available used on Amazon. It will provide some common understanding as to how 'friends', texting etc threaten a marriage.

It sounds like she may be in an emotional affair (limited to texting) which often escalates to sex. If it's with a man at work, then you need to identify him.
Her response about snooping or needing her privacy is typical (what else can she say?).

Does she receive texts in your presence? Does she respond immediately or leave the room?
Is the phone gps turned on (so you can track her)?
What social media accounts does she have?
Does her cell phone sync to the laptop.
Who manufactured her cell phone and laptop?
Is her cell phone account in your name?
What email provider does she use?
What APP does she use for texting?


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## thummper

The phone thing turns out to be a real red flag in every post that it appears. Also, the need for "space." I don't blame you one bit for being concerned.


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## hmmhu

Sorry I should have been more clear. She doesn't work, for an income. She volunteers once a week for an afternoon. When I said "work" that is what I was referring to. 

She generally responds to texts whenever she gets them. She doesn't hide her phone when she is texting. At least not all the time. She does leave the room often to "check something" or "go pee", but it doesn't seem to be a pattern of getting a notification then leaving.

I haven't used her gps to track her. She does keep it on though. 

She has Facebook and Instagram. I don't think she has anything else.

As far as I know they don't sync. Her phone is a Samsung S6-7. Her laptop is a mac. 

Cellphone account is in my name. I have checked her call records and found nothing unusual. 

Her email is Gmail and outlook. 

She uses the standard texting app that's preset on Samsung phones.


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## Robert22205

Does she take the phone into the bathroom or when bathing?

Unfortunately, you not only do not have access to her phone but it's password protected.
I think you may have to discuss why the sudden obsession with privacy.

In the meantime you could set up voice activated recorders in her car, the kitchen and/or bath or where ever she's likely to carry on a private conversation. 
VAR isn't fool proof because texting seems to be the cheaters choice of communicating (at least in the beginning).

You could take an afternoon off and discretely observe her during her volunteer activity.

In event you can get access to her phone or direct access to her gmail or social media accounts:

If the gps is on, then you can access her location history (google it for the specifics).

There's two levels of 'delete' in gmail....individually deleted emails are first collected in Trash.
Trash is found under Other: If she hasn't cleared out the trash then you can read the emails.

Note: both facebook and instagram have a private texting feature (cheaters love this feature). Instagram also has a feature where the photo disappears after one view. Spyware (developed for parents to monitor kids) can intercept the texts but I don't think deleted texts can be recovered from FB or Instagram. 

Even without access, you can check her friend lists from your own social media accounts to identify potential boyfriends or guys you don't know. 

There's software that can recover texts from the standard samsung APP and deleted photos but the texts are often fragmented.

Finally, people often use the same password for multiple accounts. So you may just need one password.


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## madandsad

Does she have Snapchat installed? The disappearing messages feature is useful for cheaters.


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## TJW

hmmhu said:


> The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it.


That's plausible, at least.....



hmmhu said:


> And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping.
> 
> If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?


Not much else..... why would she have 5 pictures of the same guy who you don't know, with no explanation ? The only pictures of women I have are of my wives (I've been widowed twice), or of women in our extended family.

My wife wouldn't have any questions about who any of these women are. And, if there happened to be (a very remote possibility) some picture she didn't already know, I would have an immediate answer.. 

I wouldn't dream of telling my wife to "stop snooping".... I have no secrets. All my passwords are written down into a file that my wife knows. If she wants to access anything on any of our computers, she can. I only have a flip phone, and the phone account is in her name.


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## Marc878

hmmhu said:


> *I don't think she is cheating.* Maybe I just don't want to believe that she would/could, but I haven't had any proof of her cheating. She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often. I could be looking too far into that. I have looked at her phone extensively and her computer. She clears her internet history but I haven't found anything. No weird apps, no texts, no unknown numbers, no strange emails. I spent hours trying to find an online dating profile, nothing. Our sex life is good and hasn't gone sour. I've checked the phone bill, there is nothing there.
> 
> But you don't know at this time. You have many redflags.
> 
> The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it. And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. *Told me to stop snooping. *
> 
> She wants full privacy. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing
> 
> If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?


You should keep your mouth closed ears and eyes wide open. All you've done is alerted her.

If it's cheating you'll find like most they all find the time and a way to get it done.

I'd be checking out her volunteer job. All cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.


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## Lostinthought61

You should get a could VAR (voice activated recorder for the house and car, if she is talking to someone you will hear her side of the conversation...also does she have WhatsApp or Kik on her phone. Lastly you could have a friend or pi follow her when she leaves the house.


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## x598

her constant shielding of her phone is the number one indicator of cheating.

read up in the CWI form.....your story is all too common.

its probably a guy from her volunteer group..


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## TJW

Marc878 said:


> If it's cheating you'll find like most they all find the time and a way to get it done.
> I'd be checking out her volunteer job. All cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.


And, they "gaslight".... tell you things like "you're crazy", refuse to validate your observations, etc.

I smelled a rat when my exW was happy about me going away to work for a few days. My first question upon discovering her affair was "....when did she do it?..." It became obvious that she did it while I was away at work.....after I discovered it....

I loved the character Lenny Briscoe on Law and Order....one of his axioms was "....charity begins at home, adultery begins at work...."

Whatever you do, do not ever (EVER) think that your judgment is no good, invalid, or that you're "crazy". There is a REASON you feel the way you do. 

Some people say "the spouse is the last to know". That is wholly incorrect. The spouse is the FIRST to know....he/she is only the last to admit 
(to themselves) it's true.


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## GusPolinski

hmmhu said:


> I don't think she is cheating. Maybe I just don't want to believe that she would/could, but I haven't had any proof of her cheating. She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often. I could be looking too far into that. I have looked at her phone extensively and her computer. She clears her internet history but I haven't found anything. No weird apps, no texts, no unknown numbers, no strange emails. I spent hours trying to find an online dating profile, nothing. Our sex life is good and hasn't gone sour. I've checked the phone bill, there is nothing there.
> 
> The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it. And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping.
> 
> If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?


She's a SAHM but took her laptop to work?


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## aine

My wife use to want to spend a lot of time with me (more than I wanted), but now she doesn't want to spend much time with me and gets frustrated when I do. 
She is on her phone non-stop. 
She takes her phone everywhere with her and it's basically glued to her hand. Even if she is just going from the table to the fridge at dinner to get something, she takes her phone. It never gets put down. 
She doesn't like me to use her phone or laptop. If I ask to use either she has to "check something" first or says no. She hides both when she isn't using them. 
When she leaves them laying around I check them. She clears her history a frequently.
I haven't found anything on her phone or computer that leads to cheating. 
She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed. 


So many red flags (above) in here, she is cheating, sorry.


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## Robert22205

Buy her a new phone (sync it to your PC) and install software that allows you to monitor her activity.
There's software developed for parents to monitor their kids.

If she communicates through a social media APP (like facebook), neither her calls, video chats, or text messages will appear on your monthly statement of activity. 

Let us know how you're doing.

And know that you are not alone!


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## TJW

hmmhu said:


> She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed.


This is a prime red flag. She is doing something she doesn't want you to know about.


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## Robert22205

You can put a cheap burner phone in her car with the gps turned on (to track her).


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## Beach123

She's cheating!

Stop making all those excuses for her and start finding out who it is so you can impose consequences.

In fact, just impose the consequences - you can tell her you want the old version of her back (the nice wife) and if she doesn't show up immediately - the new wife can pack a bag and leave!

She's u grateful! She stays home while YOU work. And then she says "stop snooping"? No way! She's sneaky and a liar. No way should you stay married to her if she's going to be so disrespectful and mean.

Stop accommodating her when she's being a terrible wife.

Voice activated recorder and cameras in your home will help you know what she's doing when you're gone to work.


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## personofinterest

I believe your wife is cheating. I cannot think of another reason that she would be displaying ALL of the habits you listed in your OP. Maybe one or two, but not all. The phone thing is a BIG red flag. "I need to check something" is code for "I need to delete something/close a window/etc." Does she have any texting apps on her phone or gaming apps that allow texting? These are ways people can hide texting from their phone bills.

There is something called Dr. Fone that you can install to get deleted texts. I'd look into that. I'd also buy a small but reliable VAR and tape it to the underneath part of the steering area behind the bottom of the wheel. It is a place that cannot be seen, and the sound is less muffled than if you put it under the seat.

She doesn't have to have a coworker or go out a lot to cheat. There are chat and social sites all over the internet that people use to conduct virtual affairs.


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## Ursula

I would say she's cheating. Have you checked your phone records/bill?


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## Chaparral

Find it what apps she has downloaded on her phone and get back with us.

You have as many red flags for cheating I think I have ever seen here. There’s no reasonable explanation for everything she is doing. Sorry.

Read some of the other longer threads. Cheater behavior is very predictable and so common they look like they all follow the same play book. Your wife however, looks like she helped write the book.


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## arbitrator

*Does she possibly have a burner phone?*


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## Robert22205

If you can access her accounts.

Facebook…go to messenger and type in the contact’s name in the ‘search’ bar …the full conversation history should pop up

Instagram …. Go to the ‘Instagram Message Recovery’ online site sign in and select the Recover Messages tab to begin the recovery process.


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## Beach123

What's your plan when you find out what's going on?

You need to have a plan!


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## BruceBanner

The phone thing is not even the biggest red flag.



> She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed.


This is the biggest red flag.


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## Decorum

Voice activated recorder (VAR), double velcroed under her front seat, and somewhere she talks on phone in the house, will catch the affair, whether it is an emotional affair mostly through her phone or a physical one.

I hope you saved that email address, as she probably lied about it.

The phone records, may tell you all you need to know. Dont be stupid and confront her every time you find evidence. Gather it. Ask here. The people here can really help you out.

Her volunteer work is probably where she met her affair partner. There have been several threads like that. The last time or two the guy turned out to be a cop there.

Can you hire a private investigator?

If there is an affair, it sounds like your marriage is over, because she has emotionally detached from you.
You will never be able to trust her again.

The men who do the best here, have a plan, follow it, and take action at the right time.

I wish you well!


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## TJW

Beach123 said:


> What's your plan when you find out what's going on?
> 
> You need to have a plan!


I'm going to have a different "slant"....but I say this with no intention to declare any other poster "wrong", the other posters are right.

Formulate this plan, with the help of an attorney. Now. Then, don't waste any of your time trying to "find out".....understand, that you ALREADY KNOW what's going on.....Then, implement your plan, according to what you already know.

Let HER save her marriage, if she wants to.


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## jlg07

@hmmhu, any updates? Have you implemented anything suggested (VAR, GPS, key logger??)


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