# Im sick of this



## Kraven (Jul 26, 2018)

Ok for the basics I am 35 my wife is 33 we've been married 11 years as of last april and have 4 kids.

In 2009 my wife had an emotional afair with an ex it was only text messages back and forth between them and when he asked her to come out of town to where he was she said said no and that them talking had to stop becuase what she was doing wasnt right. She confessed to me the day after she ended contact handed me her phone so i could read it all.

After a fight she suggested counseling I agreed everything went smoothly we wher back to being a happly married coouple. We deciced no secret passworda on phonea ar computers so there would be a level of trust knowing if the other had doubts they could check for themselves.

Everything was great till 2012 when our first set of twins where born. Post partum depression hit her hard. She almost killed her self and spent the better half of the year spiraling out of control bouncing in and out of mental hospitals. Ahe was diagnosed. With borderline personality disorder at this time.

She got on medicine and everything went ok for the next two years . at which point ahe again spent most of 2014 in a mental hospital.

In 2015 she began to act verry odd around me distant and un caring towards me. I talked to her about and she said she wasnt meaning to be that way and would work on it even invitwd me to join her at her group cousling ti discuse it further and to reaolve it. Well later that same night i xhecked her emails and phone just to aee if thwre was more to the odd behavior and found she was speaking to several diffrwnt men none local or even in the same state as us but in the storys that she was swlling to these men i was an abusive husband who forced myself onto her and wouldnt let her leave. 

I confronted her and told i had had enough and she not only could leave but i invited her to do so. She tried to tell me that this was just role play and fantasy to her that it was no different then me watching porn. I told her it was very diffrent that when i watched porn i watched with her or with her on my mind and wasnt involving another person or slandering her in the process. We separated then I felt bad for her and began to miss her. I let her come home and she shiwed remorse and openeness that hadnt been there most of this year.

Things went on well for the next two years she did have a few break downs that required short stays in in a hospital. In 2017 we had a second aet of twins which surprised us as she had had an ovary removed due to cyst and was told her other one was essential not working.
This year we hit some financial stress I was laid off quickly found another job but it pays less then what we are used to so she took a job at night waiting tables at an all night cafe. Well again i notice ahe was distant here the last week or so with her past i checked her email and phone found nothing dicided it must be from her adjusting to working for the first time in along time.

Untill a couple of days ago when i decided to surprise her and take her car and get the oil changed and the car detailed. At the shop one of the guys detailing the car brings me a cell phone they found under the passnger. Seat.

Its not my wifes or my phone so i start going through to find whos it is onlys to diacover it is my wifes second phone and ahe ia sexting a guy ahe meet while waiting tables. There is no hard evidence of anything more then sexting and i havent confronted her yet but i do have the phone and she knows i had her car cleaned to today and even thanked me for it as she left for work tonight. But hasnt asked me if i found a phone in her car.

I want to change the locks and tell her to go to hell and that i should have never forgiven the first time. But i am affraid with the fact ahe has lyed about me before and her mental issues i know that isn't thw correct way to handle this. 

I know what i need to do just not sure how to go about it does anyone here have advice for me. And i dont need to hear how stupid i was for taking her back the second time ive hears it from all my sister and my best friend a thousand times .

P.s sorry for the long post i just wanted to give as much detail as possible.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yeah, I would change the locks (not sure if this is legal tho), pack her a bag and leave her a note on top of it that says, “Here’s your crap. I packed what I thought you would need, other than your burner phone. I’m keeping that for the divorce attorney.”


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you married the female equivalent to my ex-husband. The cheating part, not the mental hospital stuff. It sucks.. I know.

You cannot locker her out or kick her out of the house. It's as much her legal residence as it is yours. So she has as much right to live there are you do.

If you lock her out or try to throw her out of the house, she can call the police. They might look at your actions as aggressive and tell you to leave.

I suggest that before you do anything, go see a lawyer. Ask them how to handle this situation. 

One thing that needs to be addressed is that from what you have said, your wife is profoundly unstable emotionally. There is no way she should have any custody of your children at all. Your lawyer should be able to help you with this.

How have you handled raise two sets of twins with your wife constantly in and out of mental hospital? Who watches your children when you are work? 

Is she the one who takes care of them when she's not in the hospital? If so, is she really stable enough to be taking care of children?


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## Kraven (Jul 26, 2018)

My sister moved in with us after her divorce that was ahortly before our first set if twins and has been my live in baby sitter when needed but there are times my wife has proven to be an eexcellent care taker. Not sure how shed function without the safety net of my sister and I being there for her though.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Well you should be sick of this. 

I would change the locks and kick her out, if she has sense enough to get an atty then you may have to let her back in.

And look, yes you were stupid, I get it. But you really, seriously need to have your children DNA tested to you can make sure that they are actually yours. 

You, now I hope, understand that she has been sleeping with others, maybe through all of your marriage, right? Now way all of this behavior is just "Play". There is way more going on than you know or probably ever will know. 

You need to file for divorce NOW.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Having a burner phone shows a real determination to cheat. You're not going to see much. Because the kind of guys that are going to hit on a woman on that type of situation are looking for action with little effort. Kind of a stranger with benefits.

Your WW needs some serious psychological help. Without her getting to what's broken inside of her she'll just continue to who.. herself out is. You would think a mother of 4 wouldn't want to be some stranger's toy but that's what she wants.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Simple answer is to file

Sorry, but you know what you must do, do for you as well as do for your children.

The new guy is local and that means it could EASILY turn physical, if it hasn’t already

Don’t tell her you are going to do it, just file. It may shock her into getting the help she needs.

Good luck


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Does she have any siblings? Are her parents still around?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Here's a sobering fact:. Some mentally I'll people never get better. Never. No amount of love, therapy or drugs can turn things around. Some just continue to deteriorate.

Once that sinks in, take inventory of your life. Is this the life you want? A wife who not only can't be trusted but also clearly cannot be relied upon to function at all? A wife who will lie to others about who you are and the content of your character? Perhaps the next person she lies to about you will be a police officer and you will be accused of abusing her...

Give it some thought.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why did you continue to have children with a mentally unstable person, continue to stay in the relationship with CONSTANT cheating on her part, and why can you STILL not leave this horribly dysfunctional marriage?

Your kids are going to suffer if you don't get her out of their lives, if she is as emotionally unstable as you say.

Your wife is not going to change and suddenly become a good person. She has been pretty awful as a wife your whole marriage.

Nobody likes change. Nobody likes to feel alone. Nobody wants the huge problem of divorce.

However, it's pretty clear, even to the most dense person, that you need to end this. What she is doing isn't really "cheating" in the normal sense. She's actively chasing any man with a penis that gives her attention. She really doesn't consider herself married. You should go ahead and take care of the legal part and move on. 

Question: Why have you hung on to this person that is mentally ill and has shown you repeatedly that she doesn't love YOU? When you can answer that for yourself, you'll have a better understanding of how to move forward.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The very FIRST thing to do is see a lawyer and find out the process/options/etc.. Due to her mental health issues, you should make sure you discuss this for custody items with the lawyer.
Second, look to your finances -- get all your ducks in a row there. Start separating your money and make sure SHE doesn't have access to run up huge bills.

I would also DNA the kids -- you've caught her a number of times, but how many have you NOT caught her with? This is just for your peace of mind so that you don't have any doubts about it going forward. Make sure you copy all of the contents off the burner phone and put it where she cannot find it.

Do NOT confront her until you have your game plan with the lawyer all worked out. Then you can expose to your family/friends, her family, and have her served. DO NOT have any more chances to get her pregnant!
Very sorry you are here.

Oh and for this"And i dont need to hear how stupid i was for taking her back the second time ive hears it from all my sister and my best friend a thousand times ."

YES YOU DO need to hear it -- you need to get it in to your head so that you are not tempted to get back with her again and it can help push you forward through the tough times you will face.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

She is highly unstable, and could be a threat to herself, you and or your children. First, see a lawyer and get your legal rights in order. Second, expose. Expose her and the guy she is sexting. Watch for the reaction: Remorse? Anger? The reaction will govern your next steps. Dependent on her state of mania, she is capable of just about anything. At this point, you have some difficult decisions. Is her state governable with medication? Does she regularly go off her meds? And the big one, do you consider her to be mentally competent? If she cannot be trusted to make a rational decision, then you will need to take POA, and have her hospitalized. This is for her own good, she stands a great chance of self harm.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You really shouldn't change the locks, but you can certainly tell her that you want her OUT. Are her parents local? If so, I would suggest you contact them, let them know what is going on and request that she be able to stay with them. Then tell her you made the arrangements for her, and she needs to leave. Yes she has all legal right to be there, and if she refuses to go, or comes right back, then you will have to get legal papers drawn up and go from there. Taxman has a good point about her possibly needing to be committed. She sounds horribly unstable, but you cant let that keep you from ending this highly dysfunctional marriage.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

Kraven said:


> My sister moved in with us after her divorce that was ahortly before our first set if twins and has been my live in baby sitter when needed but there are times my wife has proven to be an eexcellent care taker. Not sure how shed function without the safety net of my sister and I being there for her though.


Dude, you need to get a divorce stat. get rid of her and get on with your life. This is a continuous problem with her. She is never going to change no matter how much therapy she gets. Something is deeply wrong with her that cant be fixed. Serve her divorce papers and take steps to legally remove her from the residence. The good thing is you have documented cases of mental instability. Its going to sound vicious but, use it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Kraven said:


> I know what i need to do just not sure how to go about it does anyone here have advice for me. And i dont need to hear how stupid i was for taking her back the second time ive hears it from all my sister and my best friend a thousand times.


Well...did they also give you hell for having a ton of kids with a mentally unhealthy serial cheater? If not, they were remiss.

As far as what your next step is, come on, this isn't rocket science. 

START by seeing a lawyer and finding out what your rights and obligations would be.

I had a friend who got involved with a pretty lady and they moved in together and all was well for about 4 months. Then the crazy came out and like your wife, she had to be put in the psyche ward at the hospital for 3 days. Her family came to visit and basically told my friend she does this about 2 times a year - goes off her meds and has to be committed for a few days. They also basically let him know they'd all taken turns multiple times being responsible for her and they were MORE than happy to dump her on him and let him worry about it going forward. 

As far as *he *was concerned, he wanted OUT because he'd been bamboozled by her and never told she had mental issues, was on medication, or that she had a tendency to visit the psyche ward at least twice a year. His guilt made it a lot harder getting out of that train-wreck, but he eventually escaped. For the next couple of years, she'd show up randomly at his house or stalk him at work.

You're a brave, brave man.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm sure she'll tell you that things are really, really going to be different this time. They won't.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

In most cases I agree strongly with the advice of the TAM crowd where infidelity happens in a relationship. Yours is a different matter. With the wild card of strong BPD and behavior worthy of hospital admittance it's very different.

My wife is diagnosed BPD, will never acknowledge it and has done nothing to alter it's course. Through 21 years it has gotten progressively worse (You/I become split darker with every conflict). My wife has shown her illness and her pain but not love. Because I honestly believe she does not know how to feel or show it. We are divorcing.

Like others I would recommend that you see a lawyer to know your rights and initiate an exit strategy now. Where I would not agree is on common responses to infidelity and the other crappiness that you're experiencing. A BPDer does not have the ability to respond in other than anger or defense. Their self loathing cannot allow fault to be found in themselves. If so, the darkness that is cast on you would have to be on her. (Black/white thinking...splitting) If you expose or confront you will not get satisfaction or a remorseful response. 

Instead I would recommend that you: 

Bite your tongue (180...Hard!)
Lawyer up to know what is coming legally (Her mental state should be huge factor)
Protect your children. 
Protect assets and financials
Form and execute an exit strategy that does not give her time to react
Record every conversation you have with her to protect against false accusations and current evidence of mental state. (Check you state laws first)
Be patient. 

There is a poster on TAM that is really good at providing info and support for those with a BPD spouse. @Uptown hopefully will chime in.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

As Gus would say DNA your last set of twins...


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

The part that she TEXTS the OM that the husband "abuses" her is forever. No role play will be noted upon the court date....Let that sink in. She just torpedoed your family with that crap. 

Also, with BPD...They all seem to say that she can be treated, not cured. That is a big anchor to be leaving on your neck bud....Along with all the male genitalia going along for the ride as well. You know it, she does too. 


I say, jump ship. Time to go.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@Idyit, thanks for the call-out. 



> She was diagnosed. With borderline personality disorder at this time. She got on medicine and everything went ok for the next two years.


Kraven, perhaps your W does have BPD. That is NOT what you're describing here, however. Rather, you seem to be describing the classic warning signs for bipolar-1 disorder. 

One reason I say this is that BPD cannot be treated with meds. Swallowing a pill will not make a dent in BPD. Whereas bipolar is caused by a body chemistry change that can be treated with medication, BPD arises from a stunted emotional development which prevents the BPDer from being able to regulate her own emotions. Although a BPDer can acquire the missing emotional skills by working hard for many years in a treatment program, she cannot acquire them by swallowing a pill.

Another reason I say this is that BPD is mostly developed before age five and starts showing strong behavioral symptoms in the early teens. Significantly, those symptoms do NOT disappear for a year or two. This means that, if your W were a BPDer, you would not be telling us that _"everything went ok for the next two years." _ And you would not be telling us that, following the first emotional affair in 2009, _"everything was great till 2012."_ If your W were a BPDer, everything would not have been "great" for three years.

This is not to say, however, that your W cannot have BOTH disorders. A recent study (pub. 2008) found that 54% of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full blown BPD. Hence, what I'm saying is that, if your W does exhibit strong BPD symptoms, you are not yet describing them here.

I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar-1 foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found many clear differences between the two disorders.

*One difference* is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. A bipolar-1 sufferer swings between _mania_ and _depression_ and a bipolar-2 sufferer swings between depression and normality (with very little or no mania). In contrast, a BPDer flips back and forth between _loving you_ and _devaluing you_.

*A second difference* is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in a few days. 

*A third difference* is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two (and sometimes much longer), BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours).

*A fourth difference* is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over one or two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action.

*A fifth difference* is that, whereas bipolar can be treated quite successfully in most patients by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from a stunted emotional development -- not from a change in body chemistry. This is why BPD is not treated with pills but, rather, with years of training that teaches the BPDer the emotional skills she had no opportunity to learn in childhood.

*A sixth difference* is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is large: while a manic person may regard you as a strong irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

*A seventh difference* is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger.

*An eight difference* is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

*A ninth difference* is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings. 

*A tenth difference* is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves. Sadly, this lack of trust means there is no foundation on which to build a relationship. Moreover -- and I learned this the hard way -- when people cannot trust you, you can never trust them because they can turn on you at any time -- and almost certainly will.

*An eleventh difference* is that, whereas BPDers are always convinced they are "The Victim," bipolar sufferers usually have a much stronger self image. BPDers therefore have a strong need to validate that false self image by blaming every misfortune on the spouse.

*Finally, a twelfth difference* is that, although bipolar sufferers are emotionally unstable, they generally are not immature or childlike. BPDers, in contrast, are so immature that their emotional development typically is frozen at about age four. This is why they have a very fragile self image and have difficulty controlling their emotions. 

If this list of differences rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I suggest getting yourself evaluated as well. You clearly have not been making good life decisions with this woman and don’t let her issues overshadow ones you may have. For your own sake.


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## Shoyoself (Aug 18, 2017)

Sorry that you’re going through his. You have gotten a lot of good advice already. Please take care of yourself. It sounds like the best way to take care of yourself right now is to see an attorney and quickly make your escape plan, then make that plan a reality. 
It sucks, but you’ll be so much better off in the long run. You deserve a good life with a faithful, healthy partner.


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## kran81 (Apr 12, 2012)

Your going through a simular sittuatiin as me with my first except mine didnt confess to anything like yours did the first affair.

My advice is get voice activated recorder record any all conversation with your wife
She made false accusations once in my experience it will happen again and they Will be to the police. You'll need to chwck the laws in your area to see if you can use the recording in court or not but it saved my butt.

Second please do look into some individual counseling Im not teying to be mean but it apears you are in a codependent realtionship. You said you took her back the second time becuase you felt bad for her. Took me getting into cousling to see it in mine.

Again not being mean i was there in my first marraige all I could worry about was hurting my wife by divorcing her for having an affair.

Third be quick and decisive see a lawyer asap get court orders to keep your kids from her or have only supervised visits use her past mental history i knoq it aound horrible to do that but may be necessary.

Do a dna test on all your children you may say it doesnt matter to you but you need to know for piece of mind and for the kids health down the road. 

Also get an std check if she now has burner phone and a local guy you can pretty much garuntee things have got physical and I'd be willing to bet her safety let alone yours came into her mind while cheating.

Of course do what you legally can to seperate your finances my first ex wife messed my credit up and nearly bankrupted me when I finally left her. Dont fool yourself that yours wont do the same.

Finally once she is out of the house inatall security cameras as she may come back uninvited.

I am sorry your going through this but you can come out stronger and happier then youve been for the last 11 years. Please take care of yourself and your children.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Whatever you do remember that you cannot kick her out or otherwise keep/stop her from entering and residing in the residence without a court order eviction . If you change the locks, she has a right to forcibly enter her residence. If you do foolish and illegal things to prevent her from entering the property, damaging her personal property, or her, in the process, et cetera its possible a judge will issue a restraining order against you and you'll be effectively evicted. Heed my warning.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She sounds like a poster child for bi-polar disorder. She checks off all the boxes. 

You can't fix crazy my friend. She will be like this the rest of her life, and the illness will get worse as she ages. My advice to you is divorce her and move heaven and earth to get custody of those kids, even if it means having a lawyer bring in every psychiatrist he can to tear her apart in court. 

Your kids should be your number one priority. What you and her are putting them through is damaging them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kraven said:


> Ok for the basics I am 35 my wife is 33 we've been married 11 years as of last april and have 4 kids.
> 
> In 2009 my wife had an emotional afair with an ex it was only text messages back and forth between them and when he asked her to come out of town to where he was she said said no and that them talking had to stop becuase what she was doing wasnt right. She confessed to me the day after she ended contact handed me her phone so i could read it all.
> 
> ...


Your wife was, in all probability, incorrectly diagnosed. It is likely that rather than post partum or post natal depression she had the far more dangerous, and rarer, condition of post partum or postal natal psychosis. 

https://www.app-network.org/what-is-pp/
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/post-partum-psychosis/


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