# She is moving back home....



## This is me

Boy was I surprised at MC Friday night when she announced that she will be moving back home next week. 

There are mixed emotions, uncertainty, concern of motivations, but the most important thought is the opportunity to make our marriage work.

I hope all future posts will be from this section.

Please keep us in your prayers.


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## morituri

What made her decide to do that?


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## that_girl

So, she decided, but is it what you want? Why should she get to call all the shots?

Just think about it very hard and figure out why she wants this. 

I was thrilled when Hubs was moving home, but it was what I wanted all along and never stopped loving him.

You mentioned you didn't love her anymore, etc...so make sure this is what you want. Just because SHE wants to, doesn't mean you need to let her do it just yet.


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## This is me

morituri said:


> What made her decide to do that?


The million dollar question which the MC will explore. I believe a series of reasons, including love. We have shared some close moments in recent visits. I believe she is showing signs of waking from the MLC fog a bit. 

It will be a rough road ahead with all the complications of other relationships, which we have already acknowledged.

Wish us well with positive thoughts.


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## This is me

that_girl said:


> So, she decided, but is it what you want? Why should she get to call all the shots?
> 
> Just think about it very hard and figure out why she wants this.
> 
> I was thrilled when Hubs was moving home, but it was what I wanted all along and never stopped loving him.
> 
> You mentioned you didn't love her anymore, etc...so make sure this is what you want. Just because SHE wants to, doesn't mean you need to let her do it just yet.


It is what I want, if only to give us a chance to save the marriage. Being apart would never allow us to repair it completely. I do love her, the old her which I believe is still inside and has peaked out and shown up from time to time through this period. I believe everytime the one I loved shows up, it is that fog clearing a bit.

Trust me when I say I am not 100% sure we can save the marriage, but I believe this is a step in the right direction.


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## SunnyT

I think.... waiting and watching for "the old her" is fruitless. I've been on an MLC site/forum for years....and one piece of advice is always to not expect to ever see that person again and if you are lucky you will see glimpses of who she used to be. 

And I'm not saying it can't work. It certainly can, and I hope it does. I'm saying, after all you both have been thru, you will have different feelings, self-awareness, experiences, visions, goals, ideals even.... know what i mean? You will have to learn who THIS person is, the one who you once loved, you have to find out if she is someone who you will love now and into the future. 

Hope for the best. Good luck!


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## daisygirl 41

This is me
I wish you well in your R. 
Remind me please of how long you have been apart. 
I am realy pleased for you and sending positive vibes you way
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadwithouthim

daisygirl 41 said:


> This is me
> I wish you well in your R.
> Remind me please of how long you have been apart.
> I am realty pleased for you and sending positive vibes you way
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love to hear about the positive stuff. I wish you much luck in R. I can't help to feel a little jealous but very happy for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany

This is me said:


> It is what I want, if only to give us a chance to save the marriage. Being apart would never allow us to repair it completely. I do love her, the old her which I believe is still inside and has peaked out and shown up from time to time through this period. I believe everytime the one I loved shows up, it is that fog clearing a bit.
> 
> Trust me when I say I am not 100% sure we can save the marriage, but I believe this is a step in the right direction.


I have lots of positive thoughts going your way... I hope I can say mine will some day move home.


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## bandit.45

Good luck, but like I told another poster going through the same thing, you should wear a cup.

I have a bad feeling she's going to try to give you a shot to the nads.


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## howtofigureitout

best of luck man, I hope it goes well with you and the wife. Prayers go out to you.


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## Mamatomany

This is me,
Do you have a thread that discussed what happened w/ you and your W, besides a MLC?


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## This is me

daisygirl 41 said:


> This is me
> I wish you well in your R.
> Remind me please of how long you have been apart.
> I am realy pleased for you and sending positive vibes you way
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



4 months apart. Thank you for the positive thoughts. I do appreciate it.


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## This is me

Mamatomany said:


> This is me,
> Do you have a thread that discussed what happened w/ you and your W, besides a MLC?


Been on this site for almost a year now and started several threads. You can search them by clicking on my name and posts started by me. Think they are sorted by date.


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## This is me

Mamatomany said:


> I have lots of positive thoughts going your way... I hope I can say mine will some day move home.


Thank you and you got it Mama. We all need more positives and positive comments should really be made in this category.


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## This is me

sadwithouthim said:


> I love to hear about the positive stuff. I wish you much luck in R. I can't help to feel a little jealous but very happy for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hang in there and thank you!


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## Mamatomany

This is me said:


> Been on this site for almost a year now and started several threads. You can search them by clicking on my name and posts started by me. Think they are sorted by date.


I knew I'd been reading but didn't remember the details about her MLC, which is partly what I believe has happened to my H. 
Glad you all got into MC. 

How have your kids handled all of this?


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## howtofigureitout

This is me, how often where you guys talking when you were separated? Did you feel that you were making progress most of the time?


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## This is me

Mamatomany said:


> I knew I'd been reading but didn't remember the details about her MLC, which is partly what I believe has happened to my H.
> Glad you all got into MC.
> 
> How have your kids handled all of this?


No kids which is a good thing and a bad thing. Sadly I think that never being able to conceive is part of the what may have sent her into questioning where her life was and did not go. May have put her into MLC. The good thing is if it did ever fail we could do it without damaging children.

I strongly recommend Divorce Busters which reading and rereading has kept me going. Especially with the theme of being patient through these foggy days.

I think it is sound guidance that may not always come from people posting here on TAM.


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## This is me

howtofigureitout said:


> This is me, how often where you guys talking when you were separated? Did you feel that you were making progress most of the time?


Good question.

I think knowing that we both missed each other, it never went more than 4 days without talking. Since she left me, I was trying to give her space. I rarely called or emailed her unless she started a conversation and even then I was sparse.

We saw each other at least once a week through the toughest times, and after 2 months of this I put my foot down in a polite way and said we need to spend more time together or divorce. I was done with non-productive limbo. She then said she would do more time, which became weekend visits. 

When she missed the second weekend, she was called out on it, as it put me back into limbo and this made her say she was through fo the third time. All my conversations going foward were about lawyers and dividing assets. That lasted 2 days and she came over and told me with tears she wanted to keep trying because she still loved me.

Three more weekends together and she surprised me with the coming home comment. 

She is still very guarded and I know this may still fail in the end, but I think we are giving it the best shot.


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## bandit.45

Are the two of you in any kind of counseling?


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## This is me

bandit.45 said:


> Are the two of you in any kind of counseling?


MC and IC each.. Have been for 4 months. We both agreed and found this one together which I believe is key.


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## This is me

Iwant2bhappy said:


> How did it go first night back together?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not too bad and thanks for asking. She had been staying over for the past 3 weekends, so it wasn't unfimiliar. This morning was the first wake up to work morning, which went alright. 

Some things fell right back into place and others will as time goes on.


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## Mamatomany

I was just reading in another thread that your wife fit the WAW profile. I haven't read the books on the walkaways and believe my H is in MLC, could they be classified as being in both?

Some of the things I have seen has me believing MLC but WAH may also fit... Just curious. 

I am pulling for you both!


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## This is me

Mamatomany said:


> I was just reading in another thread that your wife fit the WAW profile. I haven't read the books on the walkaways and believe my H is in MLC, could they be classified as being in both?
> 
> Some of the things I have seen has me believing MLC but WAH may also fit... Just curious.
> 
> I am pulling for you both!


Thank you Mama!

In my eyes they are the same exact thing just different by gender. Matter of fact in Divorce Busters she guides men with WAW's to the MLC section because they are so similar and should be treated the same way.

The fog of the MLC /WAW makes them look for the greenier grass that they will eventually see is not so green. There is hope if not too much damage is done and you can handle the patience. Unbelievable patience.

There are no gaurentees. Even with mine coming home, one more break and it could still end, but I think her fog lifted a little and we have many other hurdles ahead, but more hope than a couple of months ago.

I wish you well Mama. I am praying for you!


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## DownUnder

TIM, im so glad to hear that you guys decided to give it a go and try reconciliation. 

My hubby also just moved back home 3 weeks ago, he let go of his apartment and sold his furniture and moved everything back to our home. After living apart for 12 months its scary and terrifiying for both of us....its been one hell of a bumpy 3 weeks and each week in our marriage counselling it has been an emotional session for both of us.

We are both still unsure about a lot of things and He is still very confused about his feelings specially seeing that he is still dealing with his depression.

I just want to to drop you a line and say how happy i am toward this progress you both are making. I have to warn you that its just the beginning of a very long and hard journey towards healing and restoring connections.

I wish you both all the best and i shall continue to follow your updates....i hope to keep hearing good news from you


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## This is me

Thanks DU. I am happy for you and wish you both all the best. I undertand this will be a very long process and have seen some great and not so great moments already. 

She has been open to joining a marriage restoration program that will start in a few weeks. This along with MC and IC are giving us better chances.

She is recoverying from surgery and has allowed me to show her that I am here for her. Filling that love bank and not looking for withdrawals.

All the best!!


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## This is me

Well almost a month back home and seems to be moving in the right direction. I find myself coming to this site less and less because things are better. 

Please keep us in your prayers as I pray for all of you here.


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## OldGirl

This is me said:


> Well almost a month back home and seems to be moving in the right direction. I find myself coming to this site less and less because things are better.
> 
> Please keep us in your prayers as I pray for all of you here.


I'm glad to hear things are going well for you. I hope you'll continue to update us when you have the time


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## bandit.45

This is me said:


> Well almost a month back home and seems to be moving in the right direction. I find myself coming to this site less and less because things are better.
> 
> Please keep us in your prayers as I pray for all of you here.


It's good to hear. But don't get lackidasical. Stay vigilent and crispy. You're not out of the woods by a longshot.

I guess I'll be the one to ask. Are you and your wife being intimate again?


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## This is me

bandit.45 said:


> It's good to hear. But don't get lackidasical. Stay vigilent and crispy. You're not out of the woods by a longshot.
> 
> I guess I'll be the one to ask. Are you and your wife being intimate again?


I understand this move back does not gaurentee anything, so it can be trying at times. With the whole experience of the last year, damaged extended family relationships and diminished trust, it is a tough road, but we have this chance.

She agreed to do a Marriage Restoration Clinic with other couples that starts in a couple weeks, along with MC. A positive sign, the tools are in place. 

We have not been intimate, which has been very tough on me who has touch as the number one love language. This needs a little explaination though. She asked for a little time when she came back and then had a partial Hysterectomy (sp). She is still recovering.

I guess the hard part for me is knowing that there is still things she could do to ease my desires, but has not offered and I have been advised not to pursue till she is ready. Since she has not been an initiator since we first got married 17 years ago, I question whether she will ever ask.

I have my mind set that I will not push it till she is fully recovered, we are doing the MR course. I will not go on forever in a sexless marriage, but have come this far and will give her the chance to wake up and smell the marriage.


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## OldGirl

This is Me - Is she on some kind of hormone replacement therapy?
Very, very important to get the hormones balanced to feel sexual desire.


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## This is me

OldGirl said:


> This is Me - Is she on some kind of hormone replacement therapy?
> Very, very important to get the hormones balanced to feel sexual desire.


She only had a partial, which will leave the hormone cycles in place until natural menopause, which should be in about 10 years according to her sisters experiences.

Could she still have an imbalance? I think it is possible. According to our MC she lost trust and from what I read she will not desire and welcome me until she builds that back and drops the defensive wall.

Good news though. This morning she helped ease my desires a bit. It is another step in the right direction.


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## bandit.45

Lucky devil!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

Hi
Just wondering how it was going for you?
Hope all is well
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Well closing in on two months back home and things are going well. We had MC last night and it was a good session. She said some hurtful things again, but I will take the pain for the gain.

I stood my ground in a very postive way and was proud of myself to hear her side of things, still some rewritten history, but always made sure I brought my comments back to a vision of where I want things to go. 

Our MC sessions are now every other week and for the last two, I have made sure I clearly stated that I have this dream and hope that our marriage will become better than it was. I think she is seeing the possiblilty as well.

I asked her flat out if she is happy how things are going and with slight hesitation, only slight she said good. She also added that she has been having feelings again. Melt my heart. 

This morning in bed she held my hand for the longest time and it was the most obvious signs she has given since returning home. 

Staying the course. Wishing all here well!


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## OldGirl

ThisIsMe, I think you have the patience of a saint. Did you do the Marriage Restoration Clinic?


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## daisygirl 41

Im glad things are going well for you.
You are a very kind and patient man. i hope your wife appreciates this.
Hugs
DG


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## This is me

OldGirl said:


> ThisIsMe, I think you have the patience of a saint. Did you do the Marriage Restoration Clinic?


Thank you for the very kind words. We did the first clinic with 7 to go. We talked about it a bit in MC and she gave positive signs that she was receptive and interested.

I glanced at her a couple times during the 2 hour workshop and I was reading her face as if she was saying she hated my guts for bringing her there, but I think I mis-read or caught her at bad times.

We each had a chance to talk (two other couples and the moderators at the table). We were instructed to focus on our own contributions to our marriage issues, and she kind of broke the rules by blaming me and the moderators were supposed to step in, but didn't. But I was glad she was there, so I let it slide. 

I am looking forward to some of the future topics we will be discussing. Including softening of the heart and forgiveness, which I think are critical.

Thanks for asking.


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## This is me

daisygirl 41 said:


> Im glad things are going well for you.
> You are a very kind and patient man. i hope your wife appreciates this.
> Hugs
> DG


Thank you for the very kind words. My heart is touched by your support. I think she sees the best part of me, but has built a wall from some of the worst parts. Some true, some exaggerated to justify. 

All I know is that I love her and want my wife back. I dream of a great marriage, that I believe we once had. I am hoping she can invision a great marriage and help us find it with each other.

I think it is very possible.

All the best to you!


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## This is me

Sunday morning in bed was very sweet. The signs she show Saturday morning with the holding was twice as nice this morning. 

Smiling with a warmed heart.


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## believergirl

Im so happy for you this is me, i wish you all the best, make me believe once again ghat miracles do exist
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mtts

This_is_Me, I have to say reading through your stuff I'm so hopeful right now for the future. Patience and love is stronger than resentment and distance. 

I'm also hopeful as me and my wife are on the same path. She has decided that she doesn't want out the way she thought and has decided MC and IC is a good idea. 

I wish you the best and want to keep reading about your marriage improving.


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## This is me

Mtts said:


> This_is_Me, I have to say reading through your stuff I'm so hopeful right now for the future. Patience and love is stronger than resentment and distance.
> 
> I'm also hopeful as me and my wife are on the same path. She has decided that she doesn't want out the way she thought and has decided MC and IC is a good idea.
> 
> I wish you the best and want to keep reading about your marriage improving.


That is great news Mtts! Keep us posted and all the best to you.


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## This is me

So we are at the marriage workshop tonght and at one point she holds my hand. I am smiling.


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## hldnhope

Great for you guys...gives us hope. Keep us updated....


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## This is me

I love my wife, always have. She has been giving a little more here and there. It is all positive to me. 

To be honest, the hardest part is keeping myself in check. I would want to be in the honeymoon stage with all the perks of a fresh relationship, but the reality is she is still working through it.

So, I will take each new positive, like a hug, a hand hold, her sitting next to me on the couch, her holding me in bed as the best gift she can give me at this time. 

I have this vision of us madly in love with each other, as we once were and I think she is starting to see it a little more each day.

Please keep us in your prayers and one extra for me to be patient for her full love.


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## OldGirl

You've been so incredibly patient already, ThisIsMe. I really do hope and pray for the best for you; you deserve it.


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## This is me

We went to Marriage Workshop this week and the subject was Heart condition. Mine soft and open hers has been hard and guarded, but changing for the better.

I think the topic is the key at this point. If she can continue to soften her heart, I think we will make it.


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## gear1903

this_is_me, very glad to hear your story seems to be looking up, gradually and carefully, but still moving in the right direction.

i hope to get to that stage one day, and i was curious how you implemented the 180. i am in the midst of doing the 180 and people are saying you need to adapt it to your situation, but i'm seeing fewer examples on this forum of how ppl are actually implementing the 180. 

i feel like i'm kind of doing the right things, working on myself, hanging out with old friends, taking up new hobbies, going to the gym a lot more, volunteering. my WS is seeing these things via FB and she initiates txts or 'likes' the status updates on FB - i answer matter-of-factly but don't answer consistently, right-away, or over-enthusiastically... but wondering if there is more i can do.

my background thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...on/44151-moved-cwi-going-through-divorce.html

any advice or input is more than appreciated. thanks!


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## This is me

gear1903 said:


> this_is_me, very glad to hear your story seems to be looking up, gradually and carefully, but still moving in the right direction.
> 
> i hope to get to that stage one day, and i was curious how you implemented the 180. i am in the midst of doing the 180 and people are saying you need to adapt it to your situation, but i'm seeing fewer examples on this forum of how ppl are actually implementing the 180.
> 
> i feel like i'm kind of doing the right things, working on myself, hanging out with old friends, taking up new hobbies, going to the gym a lot more, volunteering. my WS is seeing these things via FB and she initiates txts or 'likes' the status updates on FB - i answer matter-of-factly but don't answer consistently, right-away, or over-enthusiastically... but wondering if there is more i can do.
> 
> my background thread is here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...on/44151-moved-cwi-going-through-divorce.html
> 
> any advice or input is more than appreciated. thanks!


It sounds like you are on the right path Gear. I think the key thing to keep in mind is that the 180 is for you mostly. To make you strong for yourself, which is alway more attractive to her and others if need be. The other points that come to mind is remembering this is a roller coaster and patience patience patience. 

I wish you all the best!


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## sadwithouthim

Glad things are continuing to improve
I will pray for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020

This,
I think you might want to read the thermostat thread again. I am guessing that you are too warm (for her) and you are often subtly seeking her approval. Your view is that all these loving gestures make a happier/more stable marriage. 

I think your wife came back to you because you are kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest. 

And I think she is not so sexual and not so warm to you because of the reasons above. 





This is me said:


> It sounds like you are on the right path Gear. I think the key thing to keep in mind is that the 180 is for you mostly. To make you strong for yourself, which is alway more attractive to her and others if need be. The other points that come to mind is remembering this is a roller coaster and patience patience patience.
> 
> I wish you all the best!


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## This is me

MEM11363 said:


> This,
> I think you might want to read the thermostat thread again. I am guessing that you are too warm (for her) and you are often subtly seeking her approval. Your view is that all these loving gestures make a happier/more stable marriage.
> 
> I think your wife came back to you because you are kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest.
> 
> And I think she is not so sexual and not so warm to you because of the reasons above.


You may be right Mem. But honestly, the person I am and want to be is kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest. I think this is what most good people strive to be. 

The interesting thing is that we will be discussing this at MC tonight. 

Honestly (there is that one again) I am not always all of that. I can be unkind, inconsiderate, cold, selfish, impatient and dishonest from time to time. She knows it and has used those few moments to justify her falling away as if it was the biggest part of me.

The Thermostat only makes a little sense to me, but I honestly (again) do not get it. I spent months not persuing her and it got me no where, she is not an initiator. If I had not been kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest....we would be divorced right now. These qualitities kept our marriage together. 

I am not sure one size fits all.


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## bandit.45

After all the torment you have been through with her, I'm wondering what are the good qualities about her that make you want to reconcile with her? 

I'm sorry TIM, but I'm just not seeing what you're seeing. :scratchhead:


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## MEM2020

This,
Help me understand something. You say your sex life dropped off within months of getting married, does that mean:
1. She stopped initiating
2. she started frequently rejecting you
3. She didn't reject a lot but didn't seem very into it
4. She did a combo of 3 and 4


As for being "cold" what you call being cold, I would likely describe as a specific way to express anger. Cold anger and a reduced thermostat setting are completely different things. 

There likely is little difference between how much we love our respective wives. And yet a giant difference in our perception regarding how much restraint to show in expressing that love. I really don't think you grasp how powerful restraint is. You have never really explained why your wife suddenly got agitated and requested a divorce. And en she left you. And yet here you are still chasing her trying to win her back, why is her heart hard? 

And yes I come back to the sex thing, depending on what happened, and how much it dropped quickly you were either really crowding her or not demanding she show basic marital commitment.





QUOTE=This is me;724287]You may be right Mem. But honestly, the person I am and want to be is kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest. I think this is what most good people strive to be. 

The interesting thing is that we will be discussing this at MC tonight. 

Honestly (there is that one again) I am not always all of that. I can be unkind, inconsiderate, cold, selfish, impatient and dishonest from time to time. She knows it and has used those few moments to justify her falling away as if it was the biggest part of me.

The Thermostat only makes a little sense to me, but I honestly (again) do not get it. I spent months not persuing her and it got me no where, she is not an initiator. If I had not been kind, considerate, loving, generous, patient and honest....we would be divorced right now. These qualitities kept our marriage together. 

I am not sure one size fits all.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

bandit.45 said:


> After all the torment you have been through with her, I'm wondering what are the good qualities about her that make you want to reconcile with her?
> 
> I'm sorry TIM, but I'm just not seeing what you're seeing. :scratchhead:


I have known her for 20 years and she has not always been like this. Only the past year and a half. If you know my story from way back, I was shocked to hear her say she wanted divorce, then she clearly was uncertain what she wanted. The Mid Life Crisis changes people and from what I have read it is temporary. It is a fog.

I know this beautiful loving women is still there under all of this and she has been showing me more and more of her old self in the past few weeks.

We married through good and bad times, sickness (MLC) and health. I love her and I know she loves me, she is just confused. Divorce would not fix anything.


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## This is me

So much good has been happening in my situation and that is why I started posting in the positive news reconciliation area. 

Lets keep this area for what it is designed for, good news. No offense MEM.

Last night we had a very good session at MC. We both understand we need to continue working on it, but we are on the right path and we will work with our MC on the specifics.

I wish all that visit this area receive and give positive news to report.


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## scione

This is me said:


> So much good has been happening in my situation and that is why I started posting in the positive news reconciliation area.
> 
> Lets keep this area for what it is designed for, good news. No offense MEM.
> 
> Last night we had a very good session at MC. We both understand we need to continue working on it, but we are on the right path and we will work with our MC on the specifics.
> 
> I wish all that visit this area receive and give positive news to report.


"This is me," thank you for sharing your reconciliation story with us. Keep us posted . There are always skeptics. I am one of them, but I'm hoping you and your wife would make it. Don't be discouraged to post more.

I'm wondering if your wife has ever felt sorry for how she treated you and if she stops blaming you for all the problems. Other than starting to show affections, does she open up to you and tell you all the problems so this would not happen again?


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## MEM2020

This,
I will let this be my last post here as you seem to be perceiving my comments as negative as opposed to helpful. 

Just to be clear, all my suggestions are aimed at you changing your behavior, they are not intended as a critique of your wife. You very carefully avoid directly facing the fact that the passion issue is not a MLC thing, it is according to one brief comment you made, all but the first few months of your marriage. You are not attempting to roll the clock back 18 months - but rather almost 2 decades. 

Underneath the surface of "I am, long list of beta traits" is an absolute unshakable belief that being über nice should produce a loving reaction. Your W shows all the signs of someone who feels crowded. She knows she "should" love you, for the same list you are so proud of. Imagine how frustrated SHE is that your interactions with her are guided by such a strong focus on stability. 

The desire for "sane" stability is great, the line between that and subtly fearful clinging is only visible if you look for it. 

Last post I promise. Read Athol's book. Without a better grasp of what drives passion, you are not going to get where you want to be.


QUOTE=This is me;726401]So much good has been happening in my situation and that is why I started posting in the positive news reconciliation area. 

Lets keep this area for what it is designed for, good news. No offense MEM.

Last night we had a very good session at MC. We both understand we need to continue working on it, but we are on the right path and we will work with our MC on the specifics.

I wish all that visit this area receive and give positive news to report.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

scione said:


> "This is me," thank you for sharing your reconciliation story with us. Keep us posted . There are always skeptics. I am one of them, but I'm hoping you and your wife would make it. Don't be discouraged to post more.
> 
> I'm wondering if your wife has ever felt sorry for how she treated you and if she stops blaming you for all the problems. Other than starting to show affections, does she open up to you and tell you all the problems so this would not happen again?


Thank you Scione. I am forgetting the screen name of the female who's husband just moved home and last I saw she signed off this website to work on the marriage and not let this website influence her. 

I know in some dark moments of pain reading some advice on TAM could have ended my marriage of nearly 18 years. I credit the book Divorce Busters for helping me see the forest for the trees and understanding that if I really want this marriage I will need to show extreme patience. Especially with a MLC.

To answer your question, she has. In MC and alone, she has acknowledged the pain she has caused and shown signs of empathy. Honestly, the wall has gone back up to some degree after, but overall it has come down dramatically. I think it will take time for her and I am willing to give it.

Lets face it though, we are all responsible to some degree, so for me I have also acknowledged any pain I may have caused her. I am grateful she is in MC and going to Marriage Workshop with me. That in of itself is a sign of showing a willingness to work on it.

I think the blame she has put on me has become more obvious to her in our sessions. She built up resentment by dwelling on little issues, I should say little to me, not to her. I have asked for her forgiveness and only She can forgive, let go and move on to fully open up, but this may take time, and only she can give free herself and our marriage.

We both know I am the one willing to talk, she clams up and would rather run from talking. What talking we have done, we have done it wrong through the years. We brought contradicting styles of communication into this marriage. Her parents are much different than mine. 

According to her, her parents never fought. She even asked them. They claim they never did. I think she has no reference as to how to disagree it in a healthy way. I think it is typical for couples to disagree from time to time, but it is how they resolve that makes the difference. If her parents did not teach her, how would she know? 

All I know is she is here, she is working on it and we have hope for the future. 

Please pray for us!


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## This is me

Just heard this song. How appropriate!

Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up [Official Music Video] - YouTube


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## bigtone128

This is me said:


> Just heard this song. How appropriate!
> 
> Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up [Official Music Video] - YouTube


touching song - sad story - i played this song to my wife a week before she left me......love the song..


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## This is me

bigtone128 said:


> touching song - sad story - i played this song to my wife a week before she left me......love the song..


Sorry that it is sad for you. Do you still have hope? Is this recent? If so have patience. Mine left for 4 months and came back. Her love is growing.

So for me the song is an anthem!


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## This is me

Great news this morning. We had MC last night, went well. Things are so well that we ended early. This morning she initiated some maintenance of my needs. Still working on this but getting better and better. Patience! What a great sign and hope for our future!


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## OldGirl

Yay :smthumbup: Glad your patience is paying off.


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## bigtone128

This is me said:


> Sorry that it is sad for you. Do you still have hope? Is this recent? If so have patience. Mine left for 4 months and came back. Her love is growing.
> 
> So for me the song is an anthem!


Well not really - shes been gone 2 months and I believe to be living with someone else - and I do not think I can forgive her for what's happened - to be blind-sided the way I was....plus I've orked through the pain - why go back and go through this again?


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## This is me

bigtone128 said:


> Well not really - shes been gone 2 months and I believe to be living with someone else - and I do not think I can forgive her for what's happened - to be blind-sided the way I was....plus I've orked through the pain - why go back and go through this again?


I am sorry to hear that. In my case she shocked me with the classica walk away wife syndrome or mid-life crisis. We came very close to divorce, but things took a turn for the better.

I credit my patience to the book Divorce Busters.

I wish you well. Better days are ahead.


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## jenny123

This is me said:


> I credit my patience to the book Divorce Busters.


I just ordered that book. Should have it Monday. Do you recommend it for the WS? I want to read it first, then maybe have him take a look.


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## bigtone128

Okay - I dont have funds to buy the book - what would divorce busters suggest I do in my situation 1st and foremost - we arent communicating and havent been for weeks..I do not see how it could work...


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## This is me

jenny123 said:


> I just ordered that book. Should have it Monday. Do you recommend it for the WS? I want to read it first, then maybe have him take a look.


She writes about having the WS reading it. If you can get them to great!


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## This is me

She actually told me she loves me this weekend. It was a very nice weekend.

Keep pushing on!


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## daisygirl 41

Hi This is me,
Things are going well for you! Thats great!
Slow but steady progress my friend :smthumbup:
Really happy for you.
Things going well here too.
Just updated if your interested.
Take Care
DG


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## This is me

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hi This is me,
> Things are going well for you! Thats great!
> Slow but steady progress my friend :smthumbup:
> Really happy for you.
> Things going well here too.
> Just updated if your interested.
> Take Care
> DG


That is great news!!! I am interested. Thanks for updating.

All the best to you!!


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## This is me

Last night in bed she turned to me and said "I Love you".

To think where we have been over the past year and what the future could bring. But most important is living in the moment. 

I hope my posted journey from D day to hearing ILY last night brings hope and maybe some ideas to those who are hoping to save their marriage.


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## This is me

Can I just say that she just made my day! I love her!!!


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## sadwithouthim

Glad things are going well for you. You get out of life what you put in it. I know mine will never return at this point. 16 months for me today. I so long to have a man like some of the ones on here that put so much into fixing their relationship. Mine walked away after 20 some years not even to discuss what happened in the end. That hurts alot.

Ill keep praying you two continue to grow closer. Its nice to hear good news as it doesn't seem to get posted a whole lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

sadwithouthim said:


> Glad things are going well for you. You get out of life what you put in it. I know mine will never return at this point. 16 months for me today. I so long to have a man like some of the ones on here that put so much into fixing their relationship. Mine walked away after 20 some years not even to discuss what happened in the end. That hurts alot.
> 
> Ill keep praying you two continue to grow closer. Its nice to hear good news as it doesn't seem to get posted a whole lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your prayers and kind words. I will pray for you too.


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## This is me

She agreed to a long weekend away together in a few weeks to our old favorite romantic get away place. I haven't had a vacation in about a year. I am smiling!


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## This is me

Just got back from a long weekend away. What can I say. Perfect! 

Where we were 6 months ago and nearly divorced to being in love again is the greatest prayer answered. 

I know we still need work, but believe we are on the right path.


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## daisygirl 41

So happy for you. You really deserve this. Hope things continue to improve for you.
All good with daisygirl too!
Cheers to us!!
: - )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Cheers!!


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## muskrat

I am happy for you and keep up the good work!
It is really nice to read some positive stories on here and it gives me and I am sure others some much needed hope.


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## daisygirl 41

Hi 
How's things?
Hope all is well
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Thanks for asking DG. Things are very good. I have noticed she is being more proactive in the loving area. Little things that are very big like, just in the past two days she has been the one to go in for a second kiss and hold it for more than a peck. 

We have spent alot of time together going on walks, rides to the lake, pool time, all good. We still are being a little reserved on doing things with each others family, but we will ease into that as time goes on. Yesterday we did seperate family gatherings for the fourth. 

Onward and upward! Wishing all who read this the best. Thanks DG!


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## OldGirl

This is me said:


> Thanks for asking DG. Things are very good. I have noticed she is being more proactive in the loving area. Little things that are very big like, just in the past two days she has been the one to go in for a second kiss and hold it for more than a peck.
> 
> We have spent alot of time together going on walks, rides to the lake, pool time, all good. We still are being a little reserved on doing things with each others family, but we will ease into that as time goes on. Yesterday we did seperate family gatherings for the fourth.
> 
> Onward and upward! Wishing all who read this the best. Thanks DG!


Your story is one of my favorites, TIM. Always so positive. Hope things are still going well.


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## sadwithouthim

OldGirl said:


> Your story is one of my favorites, TIM. Always so positive. Hope things are still going well.


Mine too!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muskrat

:iagree:
This story is a true inspiration.


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## daisygirl 41

Just wondering how things are going for you?
All good I hope!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Things are going great and thank you all for your interest and well wishes.

We have taken a couple of vacations this summer that were wonderful. It is like our old best times again. This weekend we will be going to an apple orchard and then off for long weekend up north again soon.

I don't want to forget what we have been through so I keep my focus on whats best for us. Next week we will be starting a Marriage Workshop to help us fine tune our progress. 

We still have to work through each others families, but time will heal.

Thanks again and all the best to you all!


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## Mtts

Awesome read and I'm really happy to see this work so well


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## This is me

Just a little update:

When I think of how far we have come, I am so glad I hung in there did the MC, IC and marriage workshops. We are still in one of the workshops and she came out at the last session and shared with our table (4 couples) how reliable, trustworthy, committed and other positives about me.

Warmed my heart to know she is seeing me through her own eyes and not that alien that took her over.

We were at a party out of town this weekend with many others, who all knew about our past rough period. One of the others came up to me to tell me that she spoke with my wife on the side to share with her how she got to know me better during this period and learned what a great guy I am. That was a feel good and I think a reassurance for my wife that we are worth it.

I am grateful for the thoughts, prayers, encouragement, advice and positive pro-marriage help from those here at TAM!

I wish all who read this good marriages.


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## tom67

That's great! Everytime I saw the image you put up I just wanted to yell WILSON! ha congradulations bro.


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## next_step

Great news. Your story is an inspiration. It is good to see positive stories out there.


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## This is me

tom67 said:


> That's great! Everytime I saw the image you put up I just wanted to yell WILSON! ha congradulations bro.


Ha!

I used to think once I escaped the island having been castaway that I would switch my picture to Tom Hanks on the beach after he produced "FIRE". 

But Wilson has grown on me enough to keep him as my look.


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## daisygirl 41

Hi TIM, have you got an update?
Hope everything is still going well.
All good here
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Thank you Daisy Girl. I appreciate your interest and glad things are well with you also. 

So yesterday, being Thanksgiving Day had an interesting finish. We both went to our family functions seperately, which is fine for not only the awkward part of it, but also for the logistics. A little background and update first. 

Since we nearly divorced earlier this year, first and foremost has been working on us, which is going well. Dealing with the familys would logically come after we got a foothold on our marriage. 

Our large familys are very different. Mine very huggy feeling, hers not so much. So naturally, mine welcomed her back right away and I have brought her to a few functions. Some of my family still have hard feelings about what she did, but all are cordial and most understand.

I on the other hand have not been invited to any of her family functions, as of yet. Since she walked and was very likely telling those revisionist history stories about our relationship under that MLC cloud, some of them likely don't think to kindly of me. That is, at least the ones who didn't know too well. 

An example is, she has a brother who lives far away who is married with some adult kids, who I only saw once a year on average, during our 18 year marriage. All of them unfriended me on FB within a couple of days after she walked last year. They clearly got all that foggy news through the MIL who has never really been warm to me through the years.

This really hurt to think how quickly they concluded they should cut the FB link. 

But the local sister, husband and three kids who knows me much better and although we didn't commnicate through FB, they never unfriended me. This family also hosted TG yesterday where my Wife went solo. 

So, I got home last night and she was already home and told me she had left some stuff at her sisters, who sent her two sons to our house with the stuff. I have not seen them in over a year. When they came to the door it was clear they wanted to see me, I could hear them from a back room. So my Wife asked if they wanted to see me and they burst into the house.

We talked for awhile, got caught up on things and the older of the two told me how he has missed me and when they were about to leave he gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear that I should call him to talk.

I was touched. This was very unexected and seemed to open a bit of the door with that next phase. Dealing with her family.

Sorry if I rambled. Still processing all of this.

Thanks again for the interest and all the best to you!

Thoughts and prayers to all!


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## that_girl

Good to hear you're in a good place.


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## OldGirl

Thanks for the update TIM. Very happy to hear how well things are going for you


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## This is me

that_girl said:


> Good to hear you're in a good place.


Thanks TG! You were with me here on TAM that first night she walked. I will always be grateful to you for "being there". 


Best wishes to you.


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## that_girl

I remember your story well and you've come a long way! I hope you guys keep healing and getting back on the path.


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## Dewayne76

Hey TIM, first off it sounds like things are going ok still. I can't tell you how happy I am to see another happier going story.

May I ask a few ?'s? Since working on things, how "slow" are they going? I mean... like well, From the time yall decided to work on it, to where you are now. How slow did it go? Timeline?

I'm getting nervous about mine tbh. I still love my wife and for the first time ever, SHE brought up reconciling the other day and I got cold with her the next visit. I'm to the point that I'm almost numb again and I just don't know what to think / do. 

So I was wondering, "What if?" She mentioned going "VERY Slow" to me. We've got 11 dam years! Sure, we both divorced our old selves, but WHAT IF I go with R if she comes with it? If I chose to, according to your situation, how slow would be average?

Understand what I'm trying to ask? I'm almost to the point to say to he11 with her, but IF I DON'T... I wouldn't mind some insight. 

I've been seeing EVERYTHING in hindsight, I don't know if it's because I still can't focus on the "here nad now" while she's here, talking. Or if it's because I'm subconsciously ignoring her / situation.


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## This is me

Dewayne76 said:


> Hey TIM, first off it sounds like things are going ok still. I can't tell you how happy I am to see another happier going story.
> 
> May I ask a few ?'s? Since working on things, how "slow" are they going? I mean... like well, From the time yall decided to work on it, to where you are now. How slow did it go? Timeline?
> 
> I'm getting nervous about mine tbh. I still love my wife and for the first time ever, SHE brought up reconciling the other day and I got cold with her the next visit. I'm to the point that I'm almost numb again and I just don't know what to think / do.
> 
> So I was wondering, "What if?" She mentioned going "VERY Slow" to me. We've got 11 dam years! Sure, we both divorced our old selves, but WHAT IF I go with R if she comes with it? If I chose to, according to your situation, how slow would be average?
> 
> Understand what I'm trying to ask? I'm almost to the point to say to he11 with her, but IF I DON'T... I wouldn't mind some insight.
> 
> I've been seeing EVERYTHING in hindsight, I don't know if it's because I still can't focus on the "here nad now" while she's here, talking. Or if it's because I'm subconsciously ignoring her / situation.


I am sure each one of our situations runs its own course and timeline. For me it was four months of seperation, which for me was the maximum I was willing to do in limboland. 

I said she moves home or we move on. With a few bumps through the process, and there are always bumps on the ride, she came back for a few weekends, then annouced to me in MC that she was coming home. 

Some things fell right into place, like rides to the train station, lunch making, etc. Intimacy took a couple of months. She was not ready to share that for a couple of months. It was addressed in MC and the C helped with a few ideas. I told her this would only work if we were truly behaving like a married couple. Things are very good now.

I see the next hurdle is family and friends. Her family is a road block, but it says nore about them than me. Since they all know, you can not help but sense the eyes on us and talk behind our backs, but time should heal all of this if we stay strong as a couple.

I understand the frustration, but I would ask yourself what do you want? If you can see the relationship as mostly good, then fight for it. Sometimes fighting means letting them have space and time. But if deep down you sense this is not salvageable, then make plans for yourself.

Best wishes to you.


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## Dewayne76

Thanks for the best wishes bub. I am frustrated because I don't know how we could be reduced to such little contact and love after 11 years and a fine marriage. Not perfect... great mostly. SO yea to answer your question, it has a tons more great moments than bad. WE hardly EVER fought. I don't get it... yes I do. REwriting history. I have to remind myself. 

Way more good than bad. Too many times has she told me how happy she was, so I know that it was good on both parts. She's just fogged up still. Yes, I want to fight for it. But I have let go-with love as my counselor and a book said to do. IT's just one of the hardest things I've had to do. So yes, I feel it is VERY salvagable and I do want it. 

I was asking because if she was serious and we do make go of it, I wanted to know about how I could expect it to go. So I got a baseline of 4+ months? I'm on 1 month of total separation about now. She's always been the type to go full throttle when she makes a decision. So I bet R would be the same, but I'm curious as to how it may go. EVEN IF I go that route. A girl I like that's proven she won't cheat on her boyfriend, is about to be single. I really like her, hence why I'm worried. If it was just some chick I wouldn't be worried about it. 

Keep us updated and to you, best wishes.


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## daisygirl 41

Thanks for the update TIM.
Really happy that things are going well for you, itt have must have been a real boost to you yesterday seeing your nephews.

We have both come a very long way sincethis time last year, im finaly begining to breath and relax and feel confident that our marriage is well on the way to being fixed, more than fixed really, a new marriage that has more understanding and respect than before.

I hope things continue to improve for you.
Best wishes
DG
x


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## daisygirl 41

Hi TIM
How's things going for you. 
Would love an update if you've got time


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## mupostori

I second what daisy has said


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## This is me

My marriage is better than ever. Thanks to those who have had interest and best wishes to all that truly want to reconcile as this area is set up for working through.


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## MarkTwain

Hi This.

I just read all your posts on this thread. It makes a great story. Way to go


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## This is me

Just an update. Things have never been better. Love is strong, romance is great and wishing all that want to reconcile the best days ahead!


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## This is me

Its been months since I have stopped by TAM. Thought I should give an update.

Like my last post, our marriage is better than ever. We just got back from a week vacation and it could not have been more loving and respectful.

Wishing all who want to reconcile the patience and wisdom to make it through the storm!


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## This is me

I remember how shocked I was to find my marriage in turmoil. It was very confusing how my wife had gone that far to call for divorce. I was determined to do all I could to save it, understanding it may still fail.

In hindsight it was clearly a midlife crisis combined with her being surrounded by some wounded people giving her bad advice. I see alot of that same bad advice given at this website, by wounded people here with their own problems. I personally experienced this and would have ended my marriage if I took their advice.

My marriage is now stronger than it was before her MLC which is a temporary mental glitch that many suffer. It passes and requires patience and those on the receiving end to not add fuel to the fire.

All the best to those who will look at the forest for the trees.


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## Oblivious2678

TIM, thank you for the positive story. I have been looking for positive stories on here to feed off of instead of all the negative stories. My situation is a tough one, but luckily not as complicated as most I've seen on here. We are beginning our separation tonight and I'm hoping it does the trick. We are both on the same page and hopeful. Another boost was that her best friend that she has confided in for a long time finally chimed in and told her that she believes it to be just a couple week thing and we'll be fine because we love each other so much. 
The huge thing is my wife as seen the attempt by me the last month, but living in limbo is difficult. We need to miss each other a little, her missing me more than me missing her. Keeping my fingers crossed. Thanks again!!!


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## This is me

Oblivious has the healthy perspective that I was seeking here during my toughest days. I think that is the right thing to do, which is reading positive stories and learning from those who found ways to make things right, or at least give it the best shot. Dwelling on negative feeds and creates more negative in my humble opinion.

I almost got booted from here months ago for pointing out that this section should be as it is titled..."This forum is for those focused on reconciliation and success stories from people who have been through separation and reconciled successfully." Too many stories here were just like the other sections filled with negativity. This one place should be for those seeking hope.

I understand it is human nature to be interested in train wrecks, but for those in weak moments or of weak mind, they should not start out looking for reconciliation stories and be reading just the opposite when they get in this area.

I have never been in more love with my wife and I think she would say the same about me. We made it through an awful period and almost lost each other. I credit support from good people at this website and my own ability to discern the bad advise some were giving me. It took a ton of patience, good material like "Divorce Remedy", a good pro-marriage counselor, and marriage workshops offered by a local faith group.

Wishing all who read this the best and the drive to make lemonade out of a lemon situation.


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## Oblivious2678

TIM, you are absolutely correct that people are attracted to train wrecks. I have come a long way in the 7 weeks since you saw my post on here. We are still 'status quo', but hopefully we are seeing MC soon. If you have time, read over my thread in the considering separation part. Patience is the main component of my game plan as well. I firmly believe that my wife is going through a MLC also with my flaws over the last 2 years mixed in. The recent talk we had this past week helped I think. Keep us in your prayers please and thanks again for the inspiration for a positive outcome.


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## This is me

You got it O! Prayers coming your way. Keep the faith.


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## ne9907

I am so happy for you TIM. I wished my stbxh and I could reconciled. I asked but he doesn't want to and I am not going to push him again. 

Keep enjoying life!


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## This is me

Thanks ne9907! I wish you all the best. I don't know your story, but I am a hopeless optimist and believer that if one person really wants to save a marriage, and is willing to be the good example, the odds go way up for the potential to save it. 

My Wife was gone, was certain she was done three times. Hardest time of my life. Terribly sad. But in the final hour she knew how I felt and all the efforts I made, and she slowly came back and it was worth the wait. 

Don't throw in the towel if there is an ounce of hope, no matter what they tell you.

All the best to you!


----------



## tombaby

This Is Me,

Your posts are inspirational. My wife told my on vday ILYBNILWY. Killed me. Said there was some hope, but not much. Scheduled counseling. Had our first session last week March 3 and she said afterwards she had hope. was at about 80/20. However we agreed to a separation to figure things out. It made her feel good to have a plan. I then went nuts, begging, pleading, crying, bargaining. I just couldn't leave her alone. Part of that was because she started talking to other people. Guys from Ireland on a dating website. 5 days after counseling (on my bday) I find her texting a new guy she met on one of her nights "Out". She can't stop thinking about him. He's so charming and sexy.... blah blah blah. 

Killed me inside, but she basically told me there is no hope. I showed that to her this week by my constant pushing. And that I'm pushing her into someone else's arms... I know that part isn't true. That is her choice, but it still hurts.

She tells me that she will always love me. That I was her everything for a long time, but it's different now. She said she still have glimmers of hope that one day we will find each other again. She says that she honestly believes she'll never open her heart to anyone else and fall as deep as she did for me. She has commitment and anxiety issues.

She says that she just can't be bubbly self around me because her anxiety takes over because she thinks I'm going to have a mood swing. It's a fair assessment. I need to fix that part of me.

I still have hope. I love her, we are still going to counseling. I'm hoping the fog will lift eventually, and we can find each other's hearts again. I will never give up. 

I am going to go NC except for counseling and our 4 year old. Maybe it's a bad idea, but she needs that space. She felt good (well somewhat hopeful) about our future when I told her I'd give it to her last week, but then I went all nuts.


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## Whatthe??

This is me said:


> The million dollar question which the MC will explore. I believe a series of reasons, including love. We have shared some close moments in recent visits. I believe she is showing signs of waking from the MLC fog a bit.
> 
> It will be a rough road ahead with all the complications of other relationships, which we have already acknowledged.
> 
> Wish us well with positive thoughts.


All the best, stay calm, consistent and constant. Be steady, when she has a crap day just be you and ride it, not everything is going to be about you - regardless of trust issues, past hurts etc love her unconditionally. That doesn't mean be a doormat and let her treat you bad but what she does doesn't stop you loving her just as much. That's what hurts so much, when our partner cheats be it PA or EA we don't stop loving them, we hurt because we do love them. I'm sure if you're both committed to making it work then you will - no matter the motives!! Go hard mate.:smthumbup:

Edit, the above still stands regardless of your current spot, keep loving her, let her know you do and go work on yourself. Get strong to handle whatever happens, if she says there's hope then there's hope. She is hurting, confused and probably scared too, be the steady one and she will hopefully come back to your rock.


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## Kevinb

TIM, thank you for your story. It's inspirational and gives me some hope....even though our house gets sold in 3 weeks.

I hope that one day my wife and I can reconcile ... Well that's my hope as I love her dearly. 

Good luck Mate, and once again thank you


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## MEM2020

TIM,
Congrats on your success. 

If you were to compare yourself today, to the way you were prior to all this strife, what is different about you? 

It seems like things are better than before the MLC. Typically that happens when the interaction dynamic changes. It would help folks to know what's different. 




This is me said:


> Thanks ne9907! I wish you all the best. I don't know your story, but I am a hopeless optimist and believer that if one person really wants to save a marriage, and is willing to be the good example, the odds go way up for the potential to save it.
> 
> My Wife was gone, was certain she was done three times. Hardest time of my life. Terribly sad. But in the final hour she knew how I felt and all the efforts I made, and she slowly came back and it was worth the wait.
> 
> Don't throw in the towel if there is an ounce of hope, no matter what they tell you.
> 
> All the best to you!


----------



## This is me

I think it must be about 6 months since I last visited this website. By chance thought I would log in tonight and find this post has some recent new life. Thanks for the comments and I am very glad to hear that some viewers find my/our story inspirational.

BTW: Marriage is the best it has ever been! First 16 years were very good, 17th year the MLC hit and was the worst time of my life (and hers), by the 19th we were back with a slow build up of trust and love. Now in our 20th year it is exceptional!

I found this website to be very helpful and gave me a place to vent my frustrations and issues during the toughest days, but in hindsight there are many truths that rarely get discussed here at this site that I believe could save marriages. I think many really come here to experience wrecks not the good stuff which is staying married. Even in this section that is really set up for the good stuff.

Be careful of the advice you get from others. We are all wounded here and our approaches need to be customized to our own situation. I had some people strongly telling me to walk, divorce, etc. They were very wrong!

Mid Life Crisis is a depression that I have seen hit many people and cause them to trash their marriages in the hopes for greener pastures. MLC's usually pass but can take many months and more likely years. But it is worth the wait if the marriage was mostly good before. After two years at this site, I believe MLC's happen much more often than people realize and misdiagnosed by many does not allow giving the mental illness the right chance to save marriages. 

There are good MC and bad ones. Keep looking if there are bad signs. Our first should not be one in my eyes. He was taking sides, had his own issues and told me it was over. He was wrong! The second one was a very good fit for us both.

I feel fortunate to have kept my head through this all and proud my marriage is better than ever and hope those who really want to save theirs find the way with patience!


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## Kevinb

At what age do you think women go through a MLC? my wife turned 40 in December is she too young to be going through this??
Thanks TIM


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## MEM2020

TIM,
It's disappointing that your consistent refrain is anger at the subset of folks here who you believe 'gave you bad advice'. You got a lot of good advice which frankly you seem very ungrateful for.

You also seem unable to grasp something very basic. As the hotter partner you unintentionally smothered your wife over a long period of time. 

The advice you got was to stop chasing, begging and smothering. As you discovered, each time you dropped the emotional temperature, she suddenly lost all desire to leave you. 

I had hoped you might contribute some lessons learned. Things you learned about being a better partner to the unique person you married. Instead you mainly come back to say: everything's fantastic, thank God I didn't listen to you idiots. Most truly happy people don't come across as angry as you do. 


QUOTE=This is me;7939474]I think it must be about 6 months since I last visited this website. By chance thought I would log in tonight and find this post has some recent new life. Thanks for the comments and I am very glad to hear that some viewers find my/our story inspirational.

BTW: Marriage is the best it has ever been! First 16 years were very good, 17th year the MLC hit and was the worst time of my life (and hers), by the 19th we were back with a slow build up of trust and love. Now in our 20th year it is exceptional!

I found this website to be very helpful and gave me a place to vent my frustrations and issues during the toughest days, but in hindsight there are many truths that rarely get discussed here at this site that I believe could save marriages. I think many really come here to experience wrecks not the good stuff which is staying married. Even in this section that is really set up for the good stuff.

Be careful of the advice you get from others. We are all wounded here and our approaches need to be customized to our own situation. I had some people strongly telling me to walk, divorce, etc. They were very wrong!

Mid Life Crisis is a depression that I have seen hit many people and cause them to trash their marriages in the hopes for greener pastures. MLC's usually pass but can take many months and more likely years. But it is worth the wait if the marriage was mostly good before. After two years at this site, I believe MLC's happen much more often than people realize and misdiagnosed by many does not allow giving the mental illness the right chance to save marriages. 

There are good MC and bad ones. Keep looking if there are bad signs. Our first should not be one in my eyes. He was taking sides, had his own issues and told me it was over. He was wrong! The second one was a very good fit for us both.

I feel fortunate to have kept my head through this all and proud my marriage is better than ever and hope those who really want to save theirs find the way with patience![/QUOTE]


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## Fordsvt

TIM, congrats on your success in saving your marriage. 
I'm in the process of doing the same. We are entering month 4 of reconciliation. It's hard but at times I know I need to stay the course. Hope mine works out too....


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## Kevinb

We'll done Ford


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## This is me

Kevinb said:


> At what age do you think women go through a MLC? my wife turned 40 in December is she too young to be going through this??
> Thanks TIM


From what I had read MLC can hit at almost any age, but the 40's seem to have the most episodes.


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## This is me

Fordsvt said:


> TIM, congrats on your success in saving your marriage.
> I'm in the process of doing the same. We are entering month 4 of reconciliation. It's hard but at times I know I need to stay the course. Hope mine works out too....


Hang in there Ford! All the best to you both!!


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## This is me

Those who come here looking for hope please understand that my thoughts and shared experience are directed at you. There are many vulnerable visitors experiencing their worst days at this website and my hope is that they will think twice about the advice they receive. 

There are some very good advisers, but just as many who advise from their own unhealthy experiences. 

If someone insists they are an expert and all knowing, there is a very good chance are they are not. I know I am not an expert, just someone who was able to work through a very difficult experience with a positive result. That is what this section of the website is supposed to be used for, not the negative junk.

Best wishes to all who are here for a positive result!


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## Fordsvt

This is me said:


> Hang in there Ford! All the best to you both!!


Thanks...I am hanging in there. It's tough some days and I hope it pays off. We've come along way since Oct 2013. I offered her a fair and un-contested divorce on Nov.12/13. So it's progress.


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## This is me

Still going strong and marriage has never been better. We weathered the storm and wishing all that want to really make it work, all the best!

Discern the advice you get from the wounded here and don't believe those who say it is over, because they say it is so. In many cases it only takes one to make it work again!


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## that_girl

I am happy to hear of your progress and renewed marriage


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## D.H Mosquito

Glad to hear you are both happy, i'm into my 16th month of reconciliation and still have some very dark depressing moments and anger but sure it will get better


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## This is me

Well tomorrow is our 20th Anniversary. We made it after all of this. When I reflect on all of the years I am so proud of us both surviving the storm. Our love has never been stronger.

When I think of how distant she became when she walked away and the stranger who took her over, it is so clear now that it was a midlife crisis. Men usually get that label, but it happens to both sexes and I suspect it is the real reason many marriages fail when those aging years are staring back at us. 

I can never say it enough that for those who see their partner, especially in their 40's become a new distant person, they are likely struggling with MLC. Patience is the key with boundaries of course.

I will always be grateful for the support many gave me here at this website and I will also express a warning that some are giving bad advice out of their own pained reasons for being here. 

Wishing all who read this the best in their marital life. Peace and Love!


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## LongWalk

What advice helped? What was self-defeating?

Did some core love survive the difficult period? Or is your love something new born in the ashes?


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## This is me

LongWalk said:


> What advice helped? What was self-defeating?
> 
> Did some core love survive the difficult period? Or is your love something new born in the ashes?


Not sure I can point to one bit of advice I received and can't speak for her. I know for me it was a commitment to try anything. So I spent much time seeking help. Reading books, Divorce Buster was very helpful, support from family, church groups, a couple of counselors (the first was a bad fit with his own issues, the second much better and became our MC).

I think it was a core love. We had a very good marriage before the shock of hearing her say she was done. (Walk away wife description which is a form of MLC from what I have read.) I knew the one I loved could not ignore all the good we had shared even though she denied we ever had good during MC. 

Patience and perseverance were the key. We nearly didn't make it, but we survived.

Best wishes!


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## This is me

I am thankful to have a loving Wife!

Wishing all a Happy Thanksgiving!


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## This is me

Haven't been here in years and happy to report our marriage is solid and loving!

I hope my story from years ago can give a positive option to those who won't walk away with giving it their best shot.

Peace to those in need.


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## ConanHub

This is me said:


> The million dollar question which the MC will explore. I believe a series of reasons, including love. We have shared some close moments in recent visits. I believe she is showing signs of waking from the MLC fog a bit.
> 
> It will be a rough road ahead with all the complications of other relationships, which we have already acknowledged.
> 
> Wish us well with positive thoughts.


What other relationships?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

This is me said:


> I remember how shocked I was to find my marriage in turmoil. It was very confusing how my wife had gone that far to call for divorce. I was determined to do all I could to save it, understanding it may still fail.
> 
> In hindsight it was clearly a midlife crisis combined with her being surrounded by some wounded people giving her bad advice. I see alot of that same bad advice given at this website, by wounded people here with their own problems. I personally experienced this and would have ended my marriage if I took their advice.
> 
> My marriage is now stronger than it was before her MLC which is a temporary mental glitch that many suffer. It passes and requires patience and those on the receiving end to not add fuel to the fire.
> 
> All the best to those who will look at the forest for the trees.


Didn't you have to have patience while she dated other men?

Going to lunch with single young men is dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

TIM, haven't read the entire story but it sounds to me that there was a huge amount of sacrificial love going on in your side? Not many have the stomach for that, difficult to do that in your own strength, which I suspect you didn't ; just saying.


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