# will this work on my husband?



## Mamie (Jun 15, 2011)

I am relatively a young and attractive woman and have been married for 7 years. When we dated, sex was rampant! As soon as we got married, it declined. Nowadays, it can be as rare as once in 2 months!!!! My H works very hard, sometimes 14 hr days and we have a child. He's never turned me down for sex before but I don't initiate very often because for some reason I think that HE is supposed to - I respond very well, rarely if ever have I turned him down. Its just engrained in me that as the man, he should show his desire for me, be the aggressor.

I want sex much more frequently, but I'm afraid that if I always have to initiate it will further damage my self view or his view of me. I already feel very unwanted, don't know how much worse it could be. He is affectionate but its not enough. Do you think a man like that would want me to initiate, do you think it would inspire him to initiate more? I think he thinks that I have to have a perfect situation to want to do it, and thats just not the case - I don't mind a quickie in the closet, I just wish he would think outside the box! haha. Should I just do it? Maybe I have too much pride...even though I know that doesn't make sense...


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

If he's never turned you down then yep you have a pride issue. Jump him don't overthink this. Just do it.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It's less important about WHO initiates as it is that you have sex. Go after him and write back if he starts turning you down.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

don't play the waiting game. If you want it, go get it. If you want him to initiate, say so. as a man I LOVE to be attacked for sex, and the sex is almost always better when my wife initiates. For all you know, he is posting on some other forum about how he wishes you would initiate more.

Be honest about how much sex you want/expect and don't worry about who is supposed to do what. It only matters what works for the two of you. Once every two months is unthinkable. Do whatever it takes to have more sex!


----------



## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

Mamie said:


> I am relatively a young and attractive woman and have been married for 7 years. When we dated, sex was rampant! As soon as we got married, it declined. Nowadays, it can be as rare as once in 2 months!!!! My H works very hard, sometimes 14 hr days and we have a child. He's never turned me down for sex before but I don't initiate very often because for some reason I think that HE is supposed to - I respond very well, rarely if ever have I turned him down. Its just engrained in me that as the man, he should show his desire for me, be the aggressor.
> 
> I want sex much more frequently, but I'm afraid that if I always have to initiate it will further damage my self view or his view of me. I already feel very unwanted, don't know how much worse it could be. He is affectionate but its not enough. Do you think a man like that would want me to initiate, do you think it would inspire him to initiate more? I think he thinks that I have to have a perfect situation to want to do it, and thats just not the case - I don't mind a quickie in the closet, I just wish he would think outside the box! haha. Should I just do it? Maybe I have too much pride...even though I know that doesn't make sense...



Something I can comment on, it is important for both parties to initiate in my opinion. I initiate 99.9% of the time and have for the last 10 years. I can honestly say, I don't know if my wife even desires me any more. I do NOT consider initiating her saying, "Want to go to the bedroom?" in the same voice she asks, "Where did you put the mail today?"

So, even if your husband starts initiating all the time, you initiate as well to let him know you still desire him.


----------



## David C (Jun 14, 2011)

I'd give anything if my wife initiated sex.

Since she doesn't I've developed a resentment about always having to "be the one". Which in turn makes me angry when I do have to initiate it. Which leads to more resentment.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My W initiated about a month ago, and I was happy for the whole week.

Give it a shot!


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As has been said - go get him!!! My wife could wake me up from a dead sleep and I'd think it was awesome!! That and talk about it, tell him what you want. I spent many years of my marriage wishing my wife would initiate, and thinking she had "to have a perfect situation" to. Only in the last year or so have I come to learn that like you she wants much more, she just wants me to lead. So I've taken her at her word and I'm taking charge and it's been awesome. The really cool side effect is that the more I take charge the more comfortable she gets and the more she takes charge too!!! Communication about the sexual part of a relationship between two married people cannot be overvalued. It's vital, I just wish I'd learned that years ago.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

A very common complaint on this board is that wives rarely initiate. Since you want sex, just ask for it. This is not a stranger in a bar that you are approaching. This is a guy you're supposed to have sex with. If you're grandmother found out you were having sex with you husband, she would be happy.

As a last resort, you could also try communicating your wishes to your husband with looks, hand signals, maybe even words.

Good luck.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You know when men post about their wives not initiating, one of the tenets given is to up their sexual attraction potential to their wife, and to work on a lot of flirty, non-sexual touching throughout the day.

Do you try and slowly seduce your H everyday? I mean, come out of the shower and just walk by naked in front of him, be wearing only a t-shirt w/ no panties and sitting across the family room from him and lifting your legs to put on lotion, leaning provocatively close to him when you pour him a cup of coffee so he can get a hint of your cleavage? There must be a bunch of little, subtle things that you could do on a continuous basis that would remind him you are a WOMAN - and YOU are his!


----------



## Mamie (Jun 15, 2011)

I think everything you guys have said is right on target. I hate what I've become - before we were married I was so sexually confident!!! I should be MORE confident as a married woman, but his low level of interest has really shaken me. 
Here are the things I know I do wrong:
1. I do not dress or act very sexy, he has even asked me before to wear cuter things around the house.
2. I do not give off a feminine or flirty vibe, in fact I shy away from it. Possibly because I fear rejection - what happens if I put out that vibe and he doesn't even care?
3. I never initiate, even when I want it bad
4. On the few occasions when I have initiated, I did it in a bad, unsexy way. Like, "Hey, you wanna have a quickie?". Not seductive.

I think part of the problem is I feel silly being seductive. Its almost a catch 22: I would feel sexier if he put more moves on me, he would put more moves on me if I would act more seductive....

Agh! I need to get my mojo back. But IF I DO! IF I start bringing the spice and initiating more but he still doesn't up the sexual ante, I'm going to be at a complete loss. Its not like this issue hasn't been broached numerous times over the last seven years...I'm almost scared to try because I don't want to find out that my man just has a completely incompatible sex drive to me or something...


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You know everyone works hard. Everyone's tired. That doesn't pass the sniff test. Men will have sex if you want them to. If you give any physical indication at all. I mean come on! Men are so tired they can't muster 25 minutes of lovemaking when they don't even have to initiate? If I was in a hospital bed with tubes and wires coming out of me and my wife tongue kissed me I'd **** her right there. Tired my ass. Ya sleep when ya dead.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So start out slow and easy. Think of one simple thing you could try and do everyday to let him know you are a woman and interested. Example, go out and buy a new set of sexy, sheer lingerie. Even if you don't feel comfortable parading around in it in front of him yet, leave it in strategic places around the bedroom or bath where he might see it. Unbutton one or two buttons on your blouse more than you usually do, and bend over to pick up something or hand him something so that he can get an eyeful. You can figure out some things that are in your comfort zone, and if you start to see some response from it, your confidence will likely increase and you may want to try some more not as subtle things.

As far as initiating, I am kind of rotten at this too, but I am getting better. I have found that touching does a lot-sitting on the couch close together, hold hands, ask him to rub your feet, start to rub your feet on his thighs and look at him like you mean it or going up to him when he is standing at the counter and pressing your body fully against his back. You might be surprised - he might really appreciate all of it. But, you won't know that until you try it. Be brave enough to break the stalemate and make the first move.


----------



## Mamie (Jun 15, 2011)

lol...to be honest, I wonder if he's just friggin lazy. Sometimes I think he wants to have sex and then he thinks about it for a minute and goes "meeehhhhhhhh. maybe I'll just sit on the couch instead, its been a long day"


----------



## Mamie (Jun 15, 2011)

Thanks, Enchantment - I'm going to give those things a try and hope for the best! I know confidence is a turn-on, so I'm just going to try to bring it


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Here is a simple non threatening initiating tip. Offer him a full body massage. I am pretty sure by the time you get through the "full body" (wink wink) you won't get turned down or rejected.

Another one - cuddle up to him and read a sexy passage from an erotic book

Third one, a lot more intimidating, but works every time for me - walk into the room dressed in a a black thong, black leather boots, and a chain belt and I never have to say a word or do anything but stand there. 

Make it fun and think over and over in your head - "I am one sexy lady and he is lucky to be married to such a hot chick. And I am lucky to be married to this hot man!" Confidence is sexy. Good Luck!


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Damn, mary! If my W did that 3rd one, I would be like Rhett Butler sweeping Scarlet off her feet and up the stairs and...well, lets just say it is lucky she can't get pregnant anymore!!!


----------



## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Mamie,

please..do not feel unwanted. You are correct in assuming that the natural drive is for men to initiate. However, there is nothing wrong in you doing it, even if it means most of the time.
My female would like it more than I provide, and I am not happy with this. Not that I don't want her, but I work very hard and long and am exhausted after it all, so she doesn't always get what she deserves. I know it is me, not her.
Please see mary35's post, good advice there. Should things not go as expected, talk openly to your man about your desires.

Best regards

--
Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

mary35 said:


> Here is a simple non threatening initiating tip. Offer him a full body massage. I am pretty sure by the time you get through the "full body" (wink wink) you won't get turned down or rejected.


This is fool proof in my house. He can't resist even if he wanted too. I'm up to now doing it while wearing lingerie. I don't play fair and he knows it.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That involved? Please. Nuzzle my ear I'll sweep off the dinner table and use that.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Mamie said:


> I think everything you guys have said is right on target. I hate what I've become - before we were married I was so sexually confident!!! I should be MORE confident as a married woman, but his low level of interest has really shaken me.


Correction. What you _perceive_ as his low level of interest has shaken you. Often, perception does not equal reality.



Mamie said:


> Here are the things I know I do wrong:
> 1. I do not dress or act very sexy, he has even asked me before to wear cuter things around the house.


Big indicator of interest (IOI) right there. Men do not ask women they aren't sexually attracted to to wear cuter things. He took a risk by voicing his sexual interest in you and you ignored it. That is communicating to him that you aren't willing to foster his sexual interest in you.


Mamie said:


> 2. I do not give off a feminine or flirty vibe, in fact I shy away from it. Possibly because I fear rejection - what happens if I put out that vibe and he doesn't even care?


You could worry about what would happen if a meteor hits your house tonight and kills you. But the odds are very much against it. The #1 complaint of men in marriage is lack of sex. Is your husband a typical man? If so, he would probably like more sex. So I would play the percentages.


Mamie said:


> 3. I never initiate, even when I want it bad


Sorry, but that's just stupid. If you want something, make it happen. Your husband is not telepathic. He has absolutely no idea when you're horny and when you're not. But I guarantee that he is proficient in English.


Mamie said:


> 4. On the few occasions when I have initiated, I did it in a bad, unsexy way. Like, "Hey, you wanna have a quickie?". Not seductive.


True. Take a page out of the poster who wears some trashy lingerie and has a 100% success rate. My wife, and the wives of every man I know, also has a 100% success rate with lingerie. Again, play the percentages.



Mamie said:


> Its not like this issue hasn't been broached numerous times over the last seven years...I'm almost scared to try ...


Here's the thing. Women have a nasty habit of saying one thing and doing another. Men place more emphasis on actions over words. If you have told your husband that you want more sex, and then given him absolutely no physical, non-verbal cues to back that up, your husband may understandably conclude that you're just blowing smoke. Actions speak louder than words.

Here's a video with very effective sex tips I saw on Athol's blog. I'm confident any of these will be very successful.
SMBC Theater - Cosmotopian from SMBC Theater


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

:lol::rofl::iagree: with the video. Yup - I think it would be very successful!


----------



## Mamie (Jun 15, 2011)

*Re: will this work on my husband? UPDATE*

:rofl: I am really laughing my azz off at that video!!! SO funny, so true....touch him on the penis.

Here's my update! Last night I put on lingerie and when my H got home from his 14 hr day I seduced him. I have to use that word lightly because at first he actually started laughing and said "are you* trying *to be cheesy?". He didn't mean it in a mean way, so I persisted and he seemed really happy about it and then tada!! Sex. But the truth is I feel like a total cornball trying to seduce, and evidently it shows. I camp it up like I'm in a teen movie or something. 
ANYWAY! I just want to say thank you so much for your support and advice - things went great and he was literally beaming afterward. Now I have a new project - become less of a sex dork...


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

*Re: will this work on my husband? UPDATE*



Mamie said:


> ANYWAY! I just want to say thank you so much for your support and advice - things went great and he was literally beaming afterward. Now I have a new project - become less of a sex dork...


Congratulations on the success. Now you see that it's nowhere near as hard as you've imagined it to be. All you need is confidence. And that will come with future success.

Consider this. Your husband would not have married you if he wasn't sexually attracted to you. So knowing that, all you're trying to do is get a man who is very attracted to you to have sex with you. And that's pretty easy when you do it right.

A nice side benefit of initiating more sex with your husband is that you will become more attractive to him. Sexual availability is very attractive to men. Especially when it is exclusive, like in a marriage. Most men will take a 7 who wants frequent sex over a 9 who wants infrequent sex. By communicating to your husband that you want more frequent sex, you're raising your ranking in his eyes by a point or two. Good job.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I will tell you what actual trainers do. Back massages are supposed to be relaxing. You don't want relaxed, you want 'rested'. There's a difference. You want him fresh. Turn him over on his back and massage his upper abdomen and lower chest. Push the diaphragm in and up gently. Force his breathing. His arms should be over his head hands together. Get the oxygen flowing this will give him energy not slow him down. You should need 5 minutes tops. Get off him, unclasp his hands and put his arms out to the side, straight out. Still on his back, you grab the bottom of one foot and push his whole leg up, bending the knee up to his chest as high as it will go and hold it for 30 seconds. Pull the leg back down slowly repeat with the other leg. The long muscles have to release their acid and fill with oxygenated blood again. Last move: roll him on his side straddle his hip lean forward, grab his arm and pull it straight forward so that it's straight over his head. And pull up away from his head. Use your body weight to lean into his side HARD. and pull the arm hard. Don't dislocate the shoulder. Roll him to his other side and repeat. It helps if you can straddle his hip and lock your thighs around him HARD and pull down with your hips and pelvis. 

In under 8 minutes you should knocked all the cobwebs out. And you will have an awake refreshed man. Who's already underneath you and your legs are wrapped around him. What could be bad?


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

*Re: will this work on my husband? UPDATE*



Mamie said:


> :rofl: I am really laughing my azz off at that video!!! SO funny, so true....touch him on the penis.
> 
> Here's my update! Last night I put on lingerie and when my H got home from his 14 hr day I seduced him. I have to use that word lightly because at first he actually started laughing and said "are you* trying *to be cheesy?". He didn't mean it in a mean way, so I persisted and he seemed really happy about it and then tada!! Sex. But the truth is I feel like a total cornball trying to seduce, and evidently it shows. I camp it up like I'm in a teen movie or something.
> ANYWAY! I just want to say thank you so much for your support and advice - things went great and he was literally beaming afterward. Now I have a new project - become less of a sex dork...


WooHoo!


----------

