# Just found out about my wife's affair



## bigtimemess

I will start from the beginning as it should all be out there in order to get a good response. This is very fresh in my mind as I had a feeling this was going on, but finally got her to confess it 3 days ago.

The begining:

We started dating 9 years ago at pretty young ages 19 and 20 after a year into the relationship we had our first child. We did not get married right away as we did not want the baby to be a reason for us to wed. We continued to date and live together raising our daughter eventually getting engaged and then married a few years later. Now this whole time was hard financially obviously and put a good amount of stress on the relationship, however we did the small things to make sure we still had us time etc.

We eventually moved cross country to an area where we did not know anyone. For the past 3-4 years i have encouraged my wife to go make friends get out of the house etc instead she wanted to stay home and do other things letting herself go a little bit. Eventually we had our 2nd and 3rd child as my wife said she loved being a mom and wanted to have a big family. I agreed to it as I too wanted a large family. We continued our marriage without any real signs of trouble outside of the normal arguements couples have.

Fast forward to the present. Starting in March my wife started to go and work out saying she was sick of being "fat housewife" so I was very encouraging of her to do so. This led to her making friends as well with the other woman that were there. During this time we were not having sex as she was bleeding/having irregularities from her going on birth control as we decided against having more children. I saw the tampons etc so this was not a lie. Meanwhile she continued to lose weight and go out with the girls she became more and more detracted from me. I understood she was asserting herself and that up until now her family was the center of her world. This took a complete 180 and now it was like the family world etc was on the backburner. I had a gut feeling that something was going on, however I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Instead I waited and watched until finally I checked the phone records and found a number that was texted and dialed a great amount over the past 2 months. Once I had this I called the number and of course it was a another man. Armed with this information I confronted her and she denied for a few minutes saying it was more of a Text/Phone relationship, but I know her well enough that I dug more and found out that they had Slept together 2 times at the beginging of this month. Of course i went through all the typical guy questions how manytimes was it good and why?

The response that I got was that she was miserable and that he was telling her how pretty she was and made her laugh and referring to when we first met about the spark....


Prior to me finding this out she wanted to separate so that she could deal with her feelings which I agreed to....without telling me the real reason.

Now that I have found out the "real" reason she still wants a seperation, however I am mixed feelings about this.

Why would she not want to go to Marriage counseling first to try and fix this as we had what I believed was a very strong marriage?

If she really loved me why would she not want to go to counseling with me etc?

I am now out of the house and paying for all the bills as she does not have a job etc. 

It is a delicate situation as we have 3 children all under the age of 8

She has said how horrible she feels and that she wants to try and repair the relationship but yet won't tell this OM to buzz off and doesnt want to go to counseling right now.

I don't want to threaten her as it would make her unstable for my children, however I do not want to standby and be their for support/family while she is doing another man. 

I am now a wreck I think I have slept a total of 5 hours the past 3 days and have not eaten anything. I am going to schedule myself for counseling this week to help get myself healthy.

I am willing to work on it, but it feels as though she is unsure. Really don't know what to do or to expect as this is nothing I have ever exprienced before. This is a life changing decision that I need to make, but it feels as though I am waiting for her to make up her mind about this OM. 

I am not very old in my late 20's so I feel if we can work through this that our marriage would be 70 times stronger. It just hurts very deeply that she is the one that cheated on me yet I am the one on the outside looking in waiting on her feelings.

I am conflicted to the point to throw her out of the house and let her go live with this OM or do I just sit back and let it run its course. I have no issue with taking care of the kids/house as I did it for the most part anyways.

Any advice or comments or steps on how to recover from this would be greatly appreciated. I want to move forward with or without her and still be an integral part of my children's future while remaining in a healthy mental state.


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## MattMatt

Make sure you do not leave the house.


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## rrrbbbttt

1. Get back into the House.
2. Seperate your finances, don't pay for her sleeping with another.
3. Do the 180.
4. Get checked for STD's, her too.
5. Pack her clothes put them into a car.
6. Take her and her clothes over to the OM house.
7. Drop her off.
8. Inform everyone in her family and yours of her affair.
9. Contact a Lawyer
10. Start the Divorce paperwork.
11. If you want to Reconcile then you can start only after she sends the letter and is totally open with you.
12. If the OM is married or has a girlfriend make sure you inform her.


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## PHTlump

You need to file for divorce.

Right now, your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. She gets to date another man, yet have you pay all her bills. You need to end that.

If this man wants your wife, then he needs to be prepared to pay for her. I'm betting he just wants the sex and not the price tag associated with it.

So, tell your wife that you refuse to have your wife sleeping with other men. If she wants to keep sleeping with this guy, then she needs to be your ex-wife.

And don't fall for any of her crap about wanting to sort out her feelings. All that means is that she wants to string you along for as long as possible until she can figure out whether this new guy is going to work out or not.

And if you filing for divorce snaps your wife out of her fog, you can always halt the proceedings.

Good luck.


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## bigtimemess

I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


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## Almostrecovered

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


she isn't going to be truthful to you so you have to take action so the truth comes to light, from there you can decide


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## badbane

We under stand but she is in the Fog. She has not put two and two together to realize the damage she is doing. Don't think of it as scaring her. You are doing it for yourself. If she gets scared and realizes she made a mistake and comes back fine. But if you allow her to continue seeing this guy you will be kicking your marriage out of the window.


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## DaKarmaTrain!

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


Sorry brother, but you need to go 'scorched earth' on her. As mentioned, she'll manipulate/string you along for a long as she can...


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## The Middleman

I would do everything that "rrrbbbttt" outlined in his post and I would start right now. Do not skip a step.

There is no justification in the world for what she did and she doesn't deserve kind treatment. *If you do nothing else man, fully expose the affair!*


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

bigtimemess said:


> If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


She already has, your not listening.

Rule # 1... She is lying. If she's telling you how she feels about him, you or anything involving the affair... it's a lie. The only valuable insight/reliable roadmap when dealing with a cheater in the 'fog' is their actions. Her actions are speaking clearly, you just don't want to listen.


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## Halien

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


It seems like she is telling you that she wants the house and the other man, at least until it fizzles out. It is hard to compete with the raw intensity of a an illicit arrangement, especially when there is nothing logical about her actions so far. I'm afraid that the logical decision-making usually only occurs after she is forced out of her fantasy land.


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## Acabado

Tough love, man.
Talk to a lawyer yesterday. You don't move.
Expose her to relevant people which can pressure her, including her family.
Demadn total NC with OM or you file for D.
Don't be needy, she already knows you wants this to work out. Don't begs her anymore. Don't be her second plan. Self respect, man.
Start a hard 180 just now.
The 180 degree rules
I have to go, read this thread, there's sound advice there:
Having major trouble

You don't move out EVER. Talk to a lawyer.
Better, Pack her stuff hin trash bags and kick her out. Tell her go to OM's. Then expose the situation.


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## Vanguard

Kick her ass out. Do everything that rrrbbbttt said. Do it now. You deserve better. She doesn't respect you; *make her*.


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## bigtimemess

What if she has ceased contact with this OM already and is using the time to "work on herself"

I also appreciate all the advice. I understand I am still in shock and don't want to believe things, however the brutal truth is starting to set me free.


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## wiigirl

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


Thats fine, but get a lawyer. Do what the lawyer says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

bigtimemess said:


> What if she has ceased contact with this OM already and is using the time to "*work on herself*"
> 
> I also appreciate all the advice. I understand I am still in shock and don't want to believe things, however the brutal truth is starting to set me free.


If her lips are moving then she's lying. Don't believe a word she says. Time to work on herself? More like time to fvck the OM without you bothering her. You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. Right now, you're the 'nice' guy that's always been there for her. She has no appreciation for you and the more you beg and plead, the less attractive you'll be to her. Don't settle for sloppy seconds. You deserve much more than this. If she wants to live the single life, then let her. You just don't have to pay for it. Divorce (if necessary) and move on. It hurts now, but it will hurt much more if you continue to put up with her crap.


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## Thorburn

rrrbbbttt gave you a good template to follow. Expose this asap. See an attorney. Move back in the house. Get rest, eat, start working out, and get your head together. It is tough but you have to do it for yourself and the kids.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

bigtimemess said:


> What if she has ceased contact with this OM already and is using the time to "work on herself"


sorry man but....... lol. As inviting as the "benefit of the doubt / denial" pill is, don't swallow it. 

Refer back to rule # 1, She is lying. If your lying to yourself too... this is going to be a massive fustercluck that will end very badly.


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## crossbar

Dude, you need to expose, expose and then expose again. If the OM has a wife or a girlfriend, they need to know. You need to tell your folks and her folks. You need to tell your closest friends...

This is your best bet to kill off the affair. See, affairs are like roaches. They LOVE the darkness. But, when you flip on the light switch, they scatter. Well, you need to bring this affair in the light.


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## MrArachnid

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


I have been reading this book and seeing a counselor. This book put things into perspective. Maybe it will help you. It's written by a man who's wife had an affair. It's been two months since I found out about my wife's PA. 

You are getting a lot of good advice already. If she is unwilling to stop contact and not willing to answer your questions....you need to send a strong message. 

Also, spybubble is a spyware for smartphones. I have it on my wife's phone and it helps me know that she is being honest with me since that trust is broken.


We instinctively want to blame ourselves....what is wrong with me?, what could I have done better/different? She made a conscious and selfish decision and from the look of things as you described.....she is still making bad decisions.


And yes........expose this NOW!!!


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## GetTough

Damn. Hurts me to read your situation. Brings back all the mistakes I made. Get it together fast. Getting it together means regaining control of your emotions, being a man and giving her what she deserves. Which is - NONE OF YOUR TIME, ATTENTION OR MONEY. GET BACK IN THE HOUSE YESTERDAY. GET HER OUT. Be cold, unfriendly, not mean or abusive, make her understand you have lost all interest in her (until she clearly and sincerely has a change of heart). Make it clear she has just lost everything. Make it so. Take back control. You need to get REAL TOUGH. IMMEDIATELY. Like other posters said, if her lips are moving ASSUME SHE IS LYING.


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## KanDo

I am so sorry for you. Keep you head about you. Don't believe a thing that your wife says about the current state of the affair. She has already lied to you in the most heinous way. You can read multiple threads here (including mine) and see the recurring pattern of lies that are the script of the cheating spouse. PLEASE take strong action now.


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## warlock07

Separation my ass. She wanted a hall pass to f*ck other men while having you as a backup when she asked you for separation. Her motivations aren't any different now. If it isn't OM, it will be others.

If she won't even ask OM to buzz off, you have no chance. Expose the affair and unless she begs to come back, you have no chance of happy marriage. Like someone said, you cannot nice her way out of the affair.


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## AngryandUsed

do you want any more wisdom?


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## Shaggy

Before MC can work, before she can realize what she's destroying, the affair has got to end.

Exposing it, including the guy she is cheating with is step one. You are afraid of making her mad and driving her away, but you don't seem to realize she's already gone to the fantasy of the affair.

Exposing it shines the light of day on it and takes away the fantasy. It helps destroy that relationship. Especially if the OM has a gf or wife. Exposé it to them along with your friends and family.

Don't be passive. Be a man an take action against this threat to your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigtimemess

I don't know who the OM is just a cell phone number. If I knew who he was i would expose it to every person who knew him.


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## Almostrecovered

cidlookup.com

or spokeo.com


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## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> I don't know who the OM is just a cell phone number. If I knew who he was i would expose it to every person who knew him.


Reverse phone lookup. Peoplesmart.com etc.

The downside to exposing the OM is (this kind of ruminating) keeps your focus on HER and HIM, when ideally your focus should be on YOURSELF without HER. However on balance it IS often better to expose the OM but SET and FORGET if you can. Move on.


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## Shaggy

bigtimemess said:


> I don't know who the OM is just a cell phone number. If I knew who he was i would expose it to every person who knew him.


Have your wife followed by a PI, also use the online phone lookup.

Since they are meeting at a hotel and not his place, he is likely married or has a gf. Find her she is who up you want to expose to. Right now your wife's number one fear is blowback to her OM. So you need to generate the biggest sh1tstirm of blowback on him that you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam

bigtimemess said:


> What if she has ceased contact with this OM already and is using the time to "work on herself"
> 
> I also appreciate all the advice. I understand I am still in shock and don't want to believe things, however the brutal truth is starting to set me free.


They never fo this. She is still banging him.


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## GetTough

"time to work on herself"

Yeah with a buzzing toy that OM is holding.


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## Sara8

bigtimemess said:


> I will start from the beginning as it should all be out there in order to get a good response. This is very fresh in my mind as I had a feeling this was going on, but finally got her to confess it 3 days ago.
> 
> The begining:
> 
> We started dating 9 years ago at pretty young ages 19 and 20 after a year into the relationship we had our first child. We did not get married right away as we did not want the baby to be a reason for us to wed. We continued to date and live together raising our daughter eventually getting engaged and then married a few years later. Now this whole time was hard financially obviously and put a good amount of stress on the relationship, however we did the small things to make sure we still had us time etc.
> 
> We eventually moved cross country to an area where we did not know anyone. For the past 3-4 years i have encouraged my wife to go make friends get out of the house etc instead she wanted to stay home and do other things letting herself go a little bit. Eventually we had our 2nd and 3rd child as my wife said she loved being a mom and wanted to have a big family. I agreed to it as I too wanted a large family. We continued our marriage without any real signs of trouble outside of the normal arguements couples have.
> 
> Fast forward to the present. Starting in March my wife started to go and work out saying she was sick of being "fat housewife" so I was very encouraging of her to do so. This led to her making friends as well with the other woman that were there. During this time we were not having sex as she was bleeding/having irregularities from her going on birth control as we decided against having more children. I saw the tampons etc so this was not a lie. Meanwhile she continued to lose weight and go out with the girls she became more and more detracted from me. I understood she was asserting herself and that up until now her family was the center of her world. This took a complete 180 and now it was like the family world etc was on the backburner. I had a gut feeling that something was going on, however I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Instead I waited and watched until finally I checked the phone records and found a number that was texted and dialed a great amount over the past 2 months. Once I had this I called the number and of course it was a another man. Armed with this information I confronted her and she denied for a few minutes saying it was more of a Text/Phone relationship, but I know her well enough that I dug more and found out that they had Slept together 2 times at the beginging of this month. Of course i went through all the typical guy questions how manytimes was it good and why?
> 
> The response that I got was that she was miserable and that he was telling her how pretty she was and made her laugh and referring to when we first met about the spark....
> 
> 
> Prior to me finding this out she wanted to separate so that she could deal with her feelings which I agreed to....without telling me the real reason.
> 
> Now that I have found out the "real" reason she still wants a seperation, however I am mixed feelings about this.
> 
> Why would she not want to go to Marriage counseling first to try and fix this as we had what I believed was a very strong marriage?
> 
> If she really loved me why would she not want to go to counseling with me etc?
> 
> I am now out of the house and paying for all the bills as she does not have a job etc.
> 
> It is a delicate situation as we have 3 children all under the age of 8
> 
> She has said how horrible she feels and that she wants to try and repair the relationship but yet won't tell this OM to buzz off and doesnt want to go to counseling right now.
> 
> I don't want to threaten her as it would make her unstable for my children, however I do not want to standby and be their for support/family while she is doing another man.
> 
> I am now a wreck I think I have slept a total of 5 hours the past 3 days and have not eaten anything. I am going to schedule myself for counseling this week to help get myself healthy.
> 
> I am willing to work on it, but it feels as though she is unsure. Really don't know what to do or to expect as this is nothing I have ever exprienced before. This is a life changing decision that I need to make, but it feels as though I am waiting for her to make up her mind about this OM.
> 
> I am not very old in my late 20's so I feel if we can work through this that our marriage would be 70 times stronger. It just hurts very deeply that she is the one that cheated on me yet I am the one on the outside looking in waiting on her feelings.
> 
> I am conflicted to the point to throw her out of the house and let her go live with this OM or do I just sit back and let it run its course. I have no issue with taking care of the kids/house as I did it for the most part anyways.
> 
> Any advice or comments or steps on how to recover from this would be greatly appreciated. I want to move forward with or without her and still be an integral part of my children's future while remaining in a healthy mental state.


Do not leave the house. She cheated not you. 

Gather the evidence you need for court. 

See an attorney pronto.

Get checked for STDs.

Do a DNA test on all you children. 

Your wife is a cake eater. 

There is no place for three people in a marriage. 

Once married we all are nostalgic for the spark of a new love interest. But the faithful spouse took their marriage vows seriously and stays faithful despite losing the new love interest spark.

Too many people including marriage counselors make excuses for cheaters. There is no excuse for cheating.


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## Sara8

warlock07 said:


> Separation my ass. She wanted a hall pass to f*ck other men while having you as a backup when she asked you for separation. Her motivations aren't any different now. If it isn't OM, it will be others.
> 
> If she won't even ask OM to buzz off, you have no chance. Expose the affair and unless she begs to come back, you have no chance of happy marriage. Like someone said, you cannot nice her way out of the affair.


I agree 100 percent with this post. 

My STBEH also asked for a separation while he was having an affair I was not yet aware of. He would pick fight over nothing than say he thought we should separate. 

No that I have filed for divorce, he doesn't want one. Go figure. 

My STBEH wanted his cake and eat it too. So does your wife. 

My STBEH wanted me to sit home juggling the bills while he was out having sex and spending the money I was saving on the OW. 

If their lips are moving they are lying

He even right after Dday told the marriage counselor I was his stability and security and the OW was fun. 

Well now he can have all the fun he wants with her. But he doesn't want her, anymore.


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## lordmayhem

Don't we have a similar thread like this where a SAHM starts going to the gym, loses weight, then goes wild and has an affair or at least show all the red flags of an affair? It was the one where the BH was starting to find new sexy lingerie that he never saw her wear. 

Geez, the WW starts losing the weight and suddenly they feel hot and want to prove their newfound sexiness by banging an OM. I've seen this scenario in real life too.


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## lordmayhem

Sara8 said:


> He even right after Dday told the marriage counselor I was his stability and security and the OW was fun.
> 
> Well now he can have all the fun he wants with her. But he doesn't want her, anymore.


OMG. He outright told the MC that he was basically a cake eater.


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## Fvstringpicker

lordmayhem said:


> Geez, the WW starts losing the weight and suddenly they feel hot and want to prove their newfound sexiness by banging an OM. I've seen this scenario in real life too.


I look at it from a slightly different perspective. After they've lost interest in their spouse, they decide they want to try some new stuff. They look at themselves and say, "hey, if I want to improve my inventory of new lovers, I need to get my lard azz in shape.


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## bigtimemess

Thanks once again for all the help on this. I looked up the number and then another number. Both are registered to the same man. It is an older doctor type, however I do not think he was the one she had the affair with. I am trying to pinpoint the person it was.


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## BigLiam

Fvstringpicker said:


> I look at it from a slightly different perspective. After they've lost interest in their spouse, they decide they want to try some new stuff. They look at themselves and say, "hey, if I want to improve my inventory of new lovers, I need to get my lard azz in shape.


I think this is accurate. They plan this stuff and the working out adds to their arsenal.


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## bigtimemess

Found out exactly who it is. No wonder she kept going to the same coffee shop etc. What should my next action be they own a coffee shop in our small town.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

bigtimemess said:


> Found out exactly who it is. No wonder she kept going to the same coffee shop etc. What should my next action be they own a coffee shop in our small town.


Pack all her sh!t up in some hefty bags and drop them and her off at the coffee shop.


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## Almostrecovered

Get your proof and tell the wife


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## lordmayhem

If you plan to expose the affair, then there are a few things you need to know:


Do not warn your WW or the OM that you plan to expose the affair to the Other Man's Wife (OMW). This will give the OM a chance to warn his betrayed wife not to accept your contact. He will tell his wife that the "crazy, jealous" husband of "his friend" is going to call and tell her a bunch of lies.
Gather all the evidence you can, printouts, everything. Because the OMW is going to want the proof, or else she isn't going to believe you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Repeat what lordmayhem said.........


DO NOT *under any circumstance *tell your wife or anyone else anything before you expose. Plan your work and then work your plan. When you do, its one massive thermo nuclear bomb. Not little bits and pieces, not trickle exposure.


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## Machiavelli

lordmayhem said:


> Don't we have a similar thread like this where a SAHM starts going to the gym, loses weight, then goes wild and has an affair or at least show all the red flags of an affair? It was the one where the BH was starting to find new sexy lingerie that he never saw her wear.
> 
> Geez, the WW starts losing the weight and suddenly they feel hot and want to prove their newfound sexiness by banging an OM. I've seen this scenario in real life too.


Man, I'm in that business. I have several right now that are finishing the job started with the weight loss surgery. I think the marriage fail rate after gastric bypass is like 85%. These women always felt like they settled for a guy beneath themselves, due to the weight issue. Nice, huh?


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## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> Found out exactly who it is. No wonder she kept going to the same coffee shop etc. What should my next action be they own a coffee shop in our small town.


You must remember that your MOST DIFFICULT CHALLENGE right now is NOT to get your WIFE BACK. No, your most difficult challenge is to get control of your emotions and repeatedly avoid/ignore/reject her. This must be your #1 Priority until she shows sincere contrition. To some extent exposing the OM works against your goal of proving you don't want her back because you would only do this if you GAVE A SH*T. The strongest men, don't give a sh*t and let their cheating exes get on with it, and hope they never come back. But expose the OM anyway, on balance I agree it works in your favor.


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## slater

Exposé to her family first. Do not let on to her. They will be shocked. Just stand your ground and tell them you know who and when. Tell them you have proof and she has admitted it. Then expose to his wife and family. This will kill the affair. Then kick the B out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Machiavelli said:


> Man, I'm in that business. I have several right now that are finishing the job started with the weight loss surgery. I think the marriage fail rate after gastric bypass is like 85%. These women always felt like they settled for a guy beneath themselves, due to the weight issue. Nice, huh?


Mac, my ex used to work out with the chubby neighbor girl across the street. Pretty thing, but could stand to lose a few pounds. Interestingly, when she started to lose the weight the husband put the kibosh on her going to the gym. My ex told me that he was concerned that she would lose the weight and leave him. At the time, I thought that he was being a selfish jerk. Little did I know how smart this guy really was.


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## aug

Make copies of your evidence and store them away from the house. Otherwise, she'll destroy them if she sees them.


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## lordmayhem

Machiavelli said:


> Man, I'm in that business. I have several right now that are finishing the job started with the weight loss surgery. *I think the marriage fail rate after gastric bypass is like 85%.* These women always felt like they settled for a guy beneath themselves, due to the weight issue. Nice, huh?


Wow!

The boost in self esteem they get from losing the weight makes them want to go out and have an affair to prove to themselves that they're attractive to other men and now they deserve better.


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## jnj express

Hey BigTime---I am leaving the mess off, cuz you are making a mess of this situation.

1st --get your a*s home YESTERDAY----you could be nailed for leaving your kids, and abandoning them

2nd when you get home----you have a ONE-WAY conversation with your so called wife

You tell her, don't ask, don't counsel, don't anything but tell her------She either ends her A., and goes NC, right now---or she can live in the home, but she needs to do 2 things---prepare to defend a D., action, and to go and get a job----cuz as of now---SHE IS LIABLE FOR HALF OF EVERY SINGLE PENNY THE FAMILY NEEDS TO LIVE ON, and that includes everything such as insurance, mtg., gas---you know what i am talking about.

She does not get an option, she can make a choice, her family, or her lover---that's it

Very simple---and you need to stop making every excuse in the book, for allowing her to let this A., drag on at your kids EXPENSE---You don't seem to care, but this does affect them----she gets NO MORE TIME ABOUT WHETHER TO GO TO HER LOVER OR NOT

If she has any doubts---go to google---hit ANNIE'S MAILBOX---go to, today 6/18---have her read the story by GRASS NOT GREENER------that will explain it all very nicely to her

You got one major weapon in this battle Threat of Divorce/Divorce----if she refuses to make a decision, you tell her that's fine, you intend to file for D., THIS WEEK---Filing for D., is only the start---it can be halted at any time---but if you file---she then knows you are DEADLY SERIOUS

She has had no consequences, so why should she do anything more than she is---you are vascillating, and doing nothing, in fact---you left---which is completely the wrong thing to do

You get home---you tell her the way it will be---AND YOU STICK TO YOUR GUNS

Also---no Mr Nice--Guy, No Mr Lovey--Dovey---for a long time---she has to know ACCOUNTABILITY

If she goes NC, that is no guarantee, he is out of her head, out of her mind, out of her heart---but take it one step at a time

If you do get her out of her fantasyland, and back to reality---then you go from there

There are countless, threads/posters with the proper advice, as to the proper boundaries/things to do---and you follow them----No one, and I re-iterate no one, knows this subject better than the posters on this site---and that includes prof. counselors----

You may have your opinions, and think you know what is best---well you don't, and so far, you have been wrong, in everything you have done

You can either listen, and follow what these posters tell you, or you sink further into the quagmire of your wife's A., and eventually lose this whole situation!!!!!


----------



## bigtimemess

Thanks for the slap in the face.


----------



## Posse

You need it, friend.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

bigtimemess said:


> Thanks for the slap in the face.


It's the most caring punch in the nuts you will ever get. We have all been there. Trust us. You can't get better advice, for any amount of money. Now use it.


----------



## bigtimemess

I just want to thank everyone on here for the advice etc. I plan on going back to my house and I have already laid down the law to her. She did not like it and started freaking out calling etc etc.


----------



## lordmayhem

bigtimemess said:


> I just want to thank everyone on here for the advice etc. I plan on going back to my house and I have already laid down the law to her. She did not like it and started freaking out calling etc etc.


Now another critical piece of advice: Protect yourself!

You said she started freaking out. You need to protect yourself in case she tries to call the police and make false accusations. You do this by getting a VAR and having it on you when you go back. Even better would be having a video camera system.

This is the marital home and she cannot legally make you leave the home if you don't want to. The ONLY way she can make you leave is by getting a restraining order/protection order against you, and you protect yourself against false accusations by having a VAR.


----------



## aug

VAR = voice activated recorder. fairly cheap. but well worth it.


----------



## Shaggy

Exposé to the mans wife. That will take him out of the picture because he will be busy saving himself. This leaves your wife without the OM as a source of support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Btw she is most likely freaking because she is worried the OM will be exposed to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

bigtimemess said:


> I just want to thank everyone on here for the advice etc. I plan on going back to my house and I have already laid down the law to her. She did not like it and started freaking out calling etc etc.


Oh, dear. That's a pity. How _awkward_ for her.

Gee. Someone stood up to MS Entitlement? How dare they?!
:rofl:


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> I just want to thank everyone on here for the advice etc. I plan on going back to my house and I have already laid down the law to her. She did not like it and started freaking out calling etc etc.


You win this round. Great job. LONG way to go yet. PS Don't plan it. JUST GET BACK THERE ALREADY. She may want to move out then, which is good for you.


----------



## warlock07

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Mac, my ex used to work out with the chubby neighbor girl across the street. Pretty thing, but could stand to lose a few pounds. Interestingly, when she started to lose the weight the husband put the kibosh on her going to the gym. My ex told me that he was concerned that she would lose the weight and leave him. At the time, I thought that he was being a selfish jerk. Little did I know how smart this guy really was.


He is still a jealous selfish prick. People should aim to look good in their marriage


----------



## warlock07

Is this guy some mutual acquaintance? Is he married? Don't show her all your cards immediately . Gather enough information to nuke both her affair partner and her.


----------



## river rat

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.


You are absolutely right about that. You cannot control her actions or her feelings. You can control your own. Do exactly as rrrbbbttt has advised. . Then decide whether you would want to continue the marriage. Do not be the victim here. You seem to have a great deal of respect for yourself. Don't lose that.


----------



## bigtimemess

She has already talked about leaving for the night etc, but said it is her house as well so she isn't going to leave. It gets better as the OM doesnt look like he has a wife etc, but does live at home with his parents. I doubt they will appreciate her sleeping there.

Now the other question I have is do I reach out to the OM and say anything?


----------



## Jibril

bigtimemess said:


> She has already talked about leaving for the night etc, but said it is her house as well so she isn't going to leave. It gets better as the OM doesnt look like he has a wife etc, but does live at home with his parents. I doubt they will appreciate her sleeping there.
> 
> Now the other question I have is do I reach out to the OM and say anything?


Well, since I'm kinda spiteful, I would take my wife's stuff and pack it in bags. I'd drive over to the OM's coffee shot and dump it all in there. 

"_You're_ fvcking her, _you_ take care of her."

Not sure that's the wisest of actions, though.


----------



## Chaparral

bigtimemess said:


> She has already talked about leaving for the night etc, but said it is her house as well so she isn't going to leave. It gets better as the OM doesnt look like he has a wife etc, but does live at home with his parents. I doubt they will appreciate her sleeping there.
> 
> Now the other question I have is do I reach out to the OM and say anything?


Out him to his parents, tell them he is breaking up a family with young kids.

Tell them you are going to do everything in your power to go after him.


----------



## Chaparral

Empty your joint bank acct and open one in your name. Cut up her credit cards.


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> She has already talked about leaving for the night etc, but said it is her house as well so she isn't going to leave. It gets better as the OM doesnt look like he has a wife etc, but does live at home with his parents. I doubt they will appreciate her sleeping there.
> 
> Now the other question I have is do I reach out to the OM and say anything?


Set and Forget. I've you've outed them, no need to interfere any more. If you keep trying to break them up it just makes you look like you have a jealousy you can't control. Instead focus on protecting yourself. Assets, important papers, digital information, titles, deposit boxes, change passwords. Take control of everything. Now.


----------



## bigtimemess

My check gets deposited into the joint account. I am going to have them change this but it wont take ahold very fast. I have changed passwords to everything so she has no access.

She keeps calling and texting now saying that she just wants a divorce so I said no problem i have already spoken to a lawyer and you will be served shortly. The guy gave me a great free consultation over the phone. We aren't very wealthy and don't have many assests so it is pretty simple. 

The only thing is the house for the kids. We go through with this I know for a fact she will not be able to afford the house. I do not want my kids to have to go through this. I will be staying at a family members house so I will have 0 cost of living.

I would be more than happy to help pay the mortgage until she can take it over for the kids, but I will not be taken advantage of.


----------



## MattMatt

No. You keep the house and the kids. Let her go live in the back of the bloody coffee shop or in his parent's gaff! Bloody cheek of her!

Get her to pay alimony to you.


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> My check gets deposited into the joint account. I am going to have them change this but it wont take ahold very fast. I have changed passwords to everything so she has no access.
> 
> *You can stop this with your employer immediately. Do that. Get them to write you a physical check in the interim while you get a new account setup.*
> 
> She keeps calling and texting now saying that she just wants a divorce so I said no problem i have already spoken to a lawyer and you will be served shortly.
> 
> *If that's all you said, perfect.*
> 
> The guy gave me a great free consultation over the phone. We aren't very wealthy and don't have many assests so it is pretty simple.
> 
> *You're totally wrong about this, not simple at all. You have 3 kids under 8. Kids make a big difference, much more than any money issues.*
> 
> The only thing is the house for the kids. We go through with this I know for a fact she will not be able to afford the house. I do not want my kids to have to go through this. I will be staying at a family members house so I will have 0 cost of living.
> 
> *You owe for the house if it's your loan, whether you live there or not. You want to be accused of abandoning your kids and lose them? Get back in the family home ASAP.*
> 
> I would be more than happy to help pay the mortgage until she can take it over for the kids, but I will not be taken advantage of.
> 
> *GIVE HER NOTHING. Do not appease. Do not supplicate. Take everything. There is no compromise in a divorce situation. Let the lawyers compromise. You have to take it ALL.*


----------



## bandit.45

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Mac, my ex used to work out with the chubby neighbor girl across the street. Pretty thing, but could stand to lose a few pounds. Interestingly, when she started to lose the weight the husband put the kibosh on her going to the gym. My ex told me that he was concerned that she would lose the weight and leave him. At the time, I thought that he was being a selfish jerk. Little did I know how smart this guy really was.


That's the same thing Proudwidaddy's wife did to him.


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> My check gets deposited into the joint account. I am going to have them change this but it wont take ahold very fast. I have changed passwords to everything so she has no access.
> 
> She keeps calling and texting now saying that she just wants a divorce so I said no problem i have already spoken to a lawyer and you will be served shortly. The guy gave me a great free consultation over the phone. We aren't very wealthy and don't have many assests so it is pretty simple.
> 
> The only thing is the house for the kids. We go through with this I know for a fact she will not be able to afford the house. I do not want my kids to have to go through this. I will be staying at a family members house so I will have 0 cost of living.
> 
> I would be more than happy to help pay the mortgage until she can take it over for the kids, but I will not be taken advantage of.


You're an idiot if you move out. The second you move out she will move her lover in. Then she will countersue your divorce petition saying you abandoned her and the kids. 

Did you think about that Mr. In Control?


----------



## Halien

bigtimemess said:


> My check gets deposited into the joint account. I am going to have them change this but it wont take ahold very fast. I have changed passwords to everything so she has no access.
> 
> She keeps calling and texting now saying that she just wants a divorce so I said no problem i have already spoken to a lawyer and you will be served shortly. The guy gave me a great free consultation over the phone. We aren't very wealthy and don't have many assests so it is pretty simple.
> 
> The only thing is the house for the kids. We go through with this I know for a fact she will not be able to afford the house. I do not want my kids to have to go through this. I will be staying at a family members house so I will have 0 cost of living.
> 
> I would be more than happy to help pay the mortgage until she can take it over for the kids, but I will not be taken advantage of.


Don't make rash decisions. She is too far into the affair to think rationally, but the two of you might still get to the place where you consider reconciliation. Leaving your home makes this virtually impossible, or at least very easy for her to embed the affair. It would be my opinion that you should stay and think long term. Make it uncomfortable for the affair to continue. Seeing you all the time, she will be forced to think about what she is losing. Treat her with the disdain she deserves. Record, record, record your times together as much as possible with a small VAR.


----------



## bandit.45

And when you do move back in, do the 180 to protect yourself emotionally and to begin detaching from her.

Follow the link below on my signature line.


----------



## Shaggy

Do not give her any money. None. You have no responsibility to pay for her to move out. She has a home, she is choosing to leave.

Contact the OMs parents and inform them of the situation. Simply state, you have discovered your wife is having an affair with their son. You and the kids are staying in the family home, and you believe your wife is planning on leaving to be with her affair partner. She is not being threatened or abused by you. You are caring for the children and will make sure they are safe and happy. You expect them to consider these facts if he shows up at their home looking for support or a place to live. She has a home, but refuses to live there. She has a husband and family,but is having an affair which she refuses to end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

I can't help but think he is out there right now doing the exact opposite of everything we have recommended. :scratchhead:


----------



## GetTough

bandit.45 said:


> I can't help but think he is out there right now doing the exact opposite of everything we have recommended. :scratchhead:


He's getting some parts right but he seems too besotted to get tough with her, which he really needs to do. Staying out of the house is very shortsighted.


----------



## iheartlife

We don't like to admit it, but betrayed spouses follow their own script at times, too.

It's like a slow motion train wreck. Nooooooo, dooooon't.....oops, too late.

OP, I made LOTS of mistakes because I had no advice. Please don't follow in my footsteps.


----------



## Acabado

His wife feels so empowered she thinks is superman and this self confidence along with the total lack of empathy can be scaring. BUt she's way less powerful then she thinks. Right now she's no more than a bully.

Back home, VAr in pocket, hard 180, the best parent you can be.
Self respect.


----------



## bandit.45

Bet you guys she's wipin' the floor with him as we speak right now.


----------



## OldWolf57

hope he pick up the VAR on the way.


----------



## crossbar

bigtimemess said:


> Now the other question I have is do I reach out to the OM and say anything?


Why? He didn't give a damn about your marriage, why would he care what you have to say to him? Personally, I would expose to his parents about what he's doing. I'm sure mom would be really proud of her little boy sleeping with a married woman and destroying a family. Yeah, they'll welcome the relationship with open arms!  That would put a major strain on their relationship.

I would also inquire about alienation of affection suit with a lawyer. Chances are the lawyer will say it's a waste of time. But, they work for you. If you want to try and sue him, it's not for them to say no. You may not win, but you will scare the ever lovin sh*t out of him. More than likely, he'll throw her under the bus stating that this chick isn't worth all of the drama.

SO! you are showing her that you have a spine after all and aren't going to play nice by HER rules. So, now she's threatening divorce.....blah...blah.... let it roll off of your back. DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO AN ARGUEMENT WITH HER!!! All it takes is for her to call the cops and say she's frightened by your presence and they'll ask you to leave. While you're gone, she gets an RO out on you. So, listen to LordMayhem. He's absolutely right. Get a VAR and record any conversation with her from this point out.

And go home!!! You pay the morgage on the place, if she doesn't like you there, she can get the hell out! No point of you living somewhere else away from your kids when you don't have to!


----------



## Sara8

lordmayhem said:


> OMG. He outright told the MC that he was basically a cake eater.


Hi LH:

Yes. That's how I feel. Even after he told one counselor that she said it was time for me to forgive him and move forward. 

My research indicates that studies on cheaters suggest that the cake eaters are the most likely to cheat again. 

Didn't she read those studies?

I doubt it at that was why I found a new MC after that comment.


----------



## Sara8

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Mac, my ex used to work out with the chubby neighbor girl across the street. Pretty thing, but could stand to lose a few pounds. Interestingly, when she started to lose the weight the husband put the kibosh on her going to the gym. My ex told me that he was concerned that she would lose the weight and leave him. At the time, I thought that he was being a selfish jerk. Little did I know how smart this guy really was.


Perhaps this guy had been with a woman that cheated prior and new the signs. 

This is in the same category as the studied that showed that jealous possessive spouses are cheated on far less often. 

I hear often hear on TAM that the spouse who was cheated on was not jealous or possessive and gave the cheating spouse plenty of space and free time. 

I know I did because I always heard that doing so would make a marriage stronger. 

Now I know how illogical that logic is.

My spouse simply took advantage of my trust in him and all the free time I gave him.


----------



## Sara8

iheartlife said:


> We don't like to admit it, but betrayed spouses follow their own script at times, too.
> 
> It's like a slow motion train wreck. Nooooooo, dooooon't.....oops, too late.
> 
> OP, I made LOTS of mistakes because I had no advice. Please don't follow in my footsteps.


I agree.

Please do not make the mistakes other BS's have. We, too, are in a fog, a fog of denial and shock. 

Please do not move out of your house. Use a VAR when you talk to her so she can't make false accusations of abuse or illegal activity. 

Do not trust her, now. My Cheating spouse hacked into my email accounts and made all sorts of false accusations about me. Mostly projections of the things he had done. 

Hacking into someone's account is a crime.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Sara8 said:


> We, too, are in a fog, a fog of denial and shock.


I started calling it the smog. It's everybit as debilitating as the DS fog. In many cases, this desparation and denial does even more damage and criples any real chance the marraige had of surviving the affair.


----------



## MrArachnid

I realized that I never posted the link to the book:

So Your Wife Cheated

It has some good information for a male perspective in dealing with an affair.


----------



## bigtimemess

So as you can imagine it has been tough for me torn between my emotions. I have tried the 180, but she continues to text/call. She often texts or says it has something to do about the kids and then switches to how I feel etc and starts asking questions like what if we stay together or what if we get divorced.

I ended up in her email yesterday and found some interesting pictures of her and OM inside my house. Nothing sexual just hanging out photos. I also found out that she must be spinning some type of lie to the OM parents as he wanted to actually reach out to me and he referred to me as the ex already.

Here is the issue. I call this man and tell him the real deal she hates me forever and embarasses the entire family within the community.

Today she asked if I missed her or she freaks out if i don't call or text back.

I have the assumption that she is now using email correspondence to talk to OM, but i do not know if she cut off all contact. There are so many lies and weird **** between what I found out etc that I do not know what to believe anymore. I can also tell from the phone records that she contacted a lawyer, but only because I had said that I did.

I am trying to go to the gym and trying to eat, but it is very hard.

I will be returning to the house on friday and staying there indefinitely until the end of this thing. It is going to be a huge struggle for me however I have to man up and do it.

Note to people always remember to delete your sent file.


----------



## DailyGrind

bigtimemess said:


> Note to people always remember to delete your sent file.


Yup....this was the mistake my FWW made.


----------



## warlock07

> I call this man and tell him the real deal she hates me forever and embarasses the entire family within the community.


No, she is lying her way to new relationship. I am baffled that you want to accommodate the lies. If she hates you, so be it. You cannot please all the people all the time. She has to hit rock bottom if she has to fix herself. By helping her hide the lies, you are even enabling the affair in one sense


----------



## ArmyofJuan

bigtimemess said:


> She often texts or says it has something to do about the kids and then switches to how I feel etc and starts asking questions like what if we stay together or what if we get divorced.


As soon as she changes the subject you need to be all “I have to go” and stop communications. Literally ignore her questions about you or the M.


> Today she asked if I missed her or she freaks out if i don't call or text back.


 Tell her no, you don’t miss her if you say anything. Also only respond to important things and be cold and business-like when you do (short answers, the more brief the better). She is doing this to make sure she still has control over you. If she feels like she does that will help enable her affair because she knows you will take her back if it goes south. Basically you are plan B.

She still has some feelings for you and is scared, use that to your advantage and do NOT reassure her of ANYTHING. She needs to believe you have completely giving up on her and R is off the table now. 

When they want to R, wild horses can’t hold them back so don’t worry about keeping the door open for them, they will beat it down if/when the time comes.



> I have the assumption that she is now using email correspondence to talk to OM, but i do not know if she cut off all contact. There are so many lies and weird **** between what I found out etc that I do not know what to believe anymore. I can also tell from the phone records that she contacted a lawyer, but only because I had said that I did.


You need to have the “I’m getting a divorce, she’s not my problem now” and have a “meh” attitude towards her. You can’t control her so don’t even try and you already know she is a cheater so whatever she does, she does. Head towards a D and see if she tries to stop you down the road, that’s really all you can do at this point (that and try to avoid falling into her traps to keep you under her thumb).


----------



## GetTough

ArmyofJuan said:


> As soon as she changes the subject you need to be all “I have to go” and stop communications. Literally ignore her questions about you or the M.
> Tell her no, you don’t miss her if you say anything. Also only respond to important things and be cold and business-like when you do (short answers, the more brief the better). She is doing this to make sure she still has control over you. If she feels like she does that will help enable her affair because she knows you will take her back if it goes south. Basically you are plan B.
> 
> She still has some feelings for you and is scared, use that to your advantage and do NOT reassure her of ANYTHING. She needs to believe you have completely giving up on her and R is off the table now.
> 
> When they want to R, wild horses can’t hold them back so don’t worry about keeping the door open for them, they will beat it down if/when the time comes.
> 
> 
> You need to have the “I’m getting a divorce, she’s not my problem now” and have a “meh” attitude towards her. You can’t control her so don’t even try and you already know she is a cheater so whatever she does, she does. Head towards a D and see if she tries to stop you down the road, that’s really all you can do at this point (that and try to avoid falling into her traps to keep you under her thumb).


This advice is rock solid, bigtime. Listen to it! Make her believe you are THROUGH with her. She equivocates, toys with your emotions, keeps your hope alive, to keep you as PLAN B. Don't be plan B! Dump her NOW. Then WAIT. Ignore her wherever possible. Wait for her to come running back. Show that you are high value and she is not worth even your time now. From your post, I feel that there is a not-insignificant chance if you follow this course of action, she MAY return to you. You have to show STRENGTH to her in every interaction, even if it will frustrate her. Let those interactions be MINIMAL.


----------



## Will_Kane

Your wife has found another man with whom she believes she is "in love." You would probably call it "infatuation." It is that nervous, anxious, butterly-in-the-stomach feeling that you have in the beginning of a relationship. That feeling wears off. It wore off with you and it will wear off with the other man. The problem is, it may take a year or two.

Your wife's relationship with you has become routine. With the other man, it is exciting and new and devoid of any real-life responsibilities. For example, in your relationship with your wife, she may have to cook, clean the toilet, wipe butts, etc. With the other man, there are no chores or responsibilities, just lovey-dovey talk and sex. There is no way to compete with that. *The only way you can save your marriage is to end the affair. * The affair eventually will die out on its own, but that may be three years down the road after your wife has divorced you.

Your wife has not left you for the other man. There are several reasons for this. She is not sure it will work out with the other man, so she wants you to be there in case it doesn't work out with the other man. She also needs you for financial and family stability, to watch the kids and pay for things while she has her fun with the other man. Also, she doesn't want to be known as a cheater. She would prefer to separate first, then make public her relationship with the other man, so that others think she only started her relationship with the other man after she separated from you due to you being such a bad husband.

If you want to save your marriage, end the affair. Expose the affair to the other man's parents and family and friends. Tell them the other man is having an affair with your wife and breaking up your family, including your three young children. Expose the affair to your and your wife's family and friends. Tell them your wife is having an affair, with whom, and ask for their support of your marriage. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Do not talk to the other man at all about any subject. If you tell your wife, she will undermine the effectiveness of your exposure by making you out to be crazy, jealous, or a bad husband who deserves to be cheated on. Anything you say to the other man will only come back to be used against you later. After you expose the affair, your wife likely will go crazy with anger, tell you that she was considering staying married to you but now you blew it, and storm out to be with the other man. Much of the excitement of the affair comes from the secrecy.

Before you expose the affair, buy a voice-activated recorder and keep it on you at all times. This will protect you from false accusations from your wife.

File for divorce. There is a long time between filing for divorce and the divorce becoming final. You can stop the process if your wife ends the affair and to reconcile.

Exposure combined with filing for divorce injects a healthy dose of reality into your wife's fantasy and helps to snap your wife out of the "fantasy" of the affair. She begins to have to deal with finances and custody issues and the people who matter now know the truth.

If your wife wants to reconcile, tell her she needs to end all contact with the other man. She must handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking her marriage, husband, and family, which she values more than anything else in the world, and that if he ever contacts her again, she will file harassment charges against him. The writing of the "no contact" letter, aside from the obvious purpose, also helps your wife psychologically to put the other man in the past and helps you psychologically to feel that your wife really is willing to reconcile.

Another condition of reconciliation is complete transparency by your wife of all her communication devices and accounts. You should have access and passwords. She also should account for her whereabouts 24/7 until she earns your trust back.

If your wife does not agree to the conditions, continue with the divorce.

You cannot control your wife. You can only control yourself, what you are willing to accept in a marriage and what you are not, and how you react to your wife's actions.

I sense from the tone of your prior posts that you will think the actions recommended here are drastic. Basically, you are asking your wife to end the affair and prove it to you, or you will divorce her. This is not unreasonable. She is lucky you are giving her this chance and not just divorcing her outright for her infidelity.

You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. 
You may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do. If that is the case, better to find out sooner rather than later after you've gone through months of effort and pain, and with your self respect intact, not being her doormat.


----------



## betamale

If you don't back to your home and tell her to leave, is over and forever. 

While she texts you, she's having coctails with the OM, because you didn't have the balls to stay in your own place.


----------



## NewM

Wait so you left the house so she could bring OM there?

If she wants to be with OM kick her out and tell her to go to his place.


----------



## aug

hope you made copies of the emails and other evidence you found. Have a copy offsite with trusted friends/family so that it doesnt get missing.


----------



## Will_Kane

*Here is the issue. I call this man and tell him the real deal she hates me forever and embarasses the entire family within the community.*

Your wife is cheating on you! She is not afraid of you hating her! Yet YOU are afraid that SHE will hate YOU?!? For telling the truth and ending her adulterous affair?!? *Many of the posts on this website make me feel as if I am living in bizarro world.*

The entire family and community are going to find out eventually anyway.

Do not call the other man. Call his parents.

She will hate you for ending her affair. She will get over it.

You come across as being afraid to do what is necessary to save your marriage.


----------



## Almostrecovered

DailyGrind said:


> Yup....this was the mistake my FWW made.


Ditto, it was got me started in
My investigation


----------



## OldWolf57

how can you be confused when the pics show him in your house ?? I don't agree with not contacting OM. Call his a** and tell him if you find out he has been in your house again, nothing will stop you from destroying his world. Now MAN THE F**KUP. you are acting more like a kid, than a man with a family. As for her, protect yourself with a VAR when you talk or go home. She is in the fog, but you should be asking do you want a woman that could do this to you. You expose, you do the 180 and you file to get her attention. She won't say she don't love you bc she don't have him yet. You are the paycheck. how does that feel ?? You said you would let her go if she want him. Well tell her you can find a trim young thang that won't treat you like you letting some fat old woman do. do you really think ppl don't see what is going on ?? he has been in your house. God made Adam first, the leader. Men are the head of the family and thats your job. Not worrying what ppl will say, when they already know. Was she worrying when she slept with him?? Was she worried when she bought him to your house and bed ?? And save the they didn't there. Kids go to bed. And she has shown you she has NO respect for you. YEAH I'm flaming you, and probably will get called out for it. But read some threads like LostCPA and others. Then you will know why to do keyloggers, VARS and exposure. They didn't at first, but came back when it went underground. NOW do like the ppl here are telling you, if you want to end this insult to your marriage and kids. Bro, there comes a time when you have o put on the BIG BOY PANTS, and your time is now. I deal with any emotional distress with anger. polar cold anger. Haven't figured if its a blessing or curse, but it works for me. FIND your anger. be insulted, and fix your family.


----------



## bigtimemess

Ok so I am back in my house and now she tells me that she is pregnant with his child 6-8 weeks or so. This completely threw me for a loop.

I am going crazy.


----------



## bandit.45

Ask her to leave. You're done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

How could I ever Reconcile with her now? In my view she has 2 options and a pretty clear cut decision. 

She keeps this child I am going to fight for everything and full custody of my current children and move on with my life.

She doesn't keep this child do I take it as a sign of remorse and try to work it out?

She has already told OM she is pregnant along with his family.


----------



## keko

Contact a lawyer ASAP and do not sign for anything she proposes. 

Kick her ass to the curb or have the boyfriend come pick her up.

Keep a voice recorder on yourself at ALL times because you're facing false domestic violence claims any moment.


----------



## Complexity

bigtimemess said:


> How could I ever Reconcile with her now? In my view she has 2 options and a pretty clear cut decision.
> 
> She keeps this child I am going to fight for everything and full custody of my current children and move on with my life.
> 
> She doesn't keep this child do I take it as a sign of remorse and try to work it out?
> 
> She has already told OM she is pregnant along with his family.


You previously hinted that the OM may not know that you're married, you need to inform him of the truth.


----------



## betamale

Kick her out. Now.


----------



## KanDo

Almostrecovered said:


> Ditto, it was got me started in
> My investigation


Played a role in my discoveries as well


----------



## DailyGrind

WOW!!! Just.....WOW!!! I guess she is going to love living with his parents, eh? Seriously......see a lawyer. You might get stuck with raising this bastard child. I'm not throwing out bad names here...but that is what it is.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

bigtimemess said:


> Ok so I am back in my house and now she tells me that she is pregnant with his child 6-8 weeks or so. This completely threw me for a loop.
> 
> I am going crazy.


 She's his problem now. Drop her and the hefty bags off at the coffee shop.


----------



## jh52

Now she will have 4 kids under the age of 8 years old. !!


----------



## ArmyofJuan

bigtimemess said:


> How could I ever Reconcile with her now? In my view she has 2 options and a pretty clear cut decision.
> 
> She keeps this child I am going to fight for everything and full custody of my current children and move on with my life.
> 
> She doesn't keep this child do I take it as a sign of remorse and try to work it out?
> 
> She has already told OM she is pregnant along with his family.


I suggest you don’t worry about her options and you exercise your best option for you: Divorce

Dude, this is never going away and if you try to R this is still going to haunt you for as long as you are with her. Life is too short to be wasted trying to R with someone like her. Learn from all of this and roll the dice on someone else. There are millions of women out there willing to take her place and new ones get added to the pool every day. 

If this isn’t a deal breaker I can’t image what would be.


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> Ok so I am back in my house and now she tells me that she is pregnant with his child 6-8 weeks or so. This completely threw me for a loop.
> 
> I am going crazy.


You manned up. You showed your strength. You did GREAT getting back in the house. Don't get angry with her. Take time to think. Days if necessary. Stay cool, stay aloof until you have had time to process this.


----------



## keko

GetTough said:


> You manned up. You showed your strength. You did GREAT getting back in the house. Don't get angry with her. Take time to think. Days if necessary. Stay cool, stay aloof until you have had time to process this.


If he cools off now then he'll be paying for another man's child for the next 18 years. He needs to kick her out in the heat of the moment or else he'll be lured back into her.


----------



## aug

bigtimemess said:


> Ok so I am back in my house and now she tells me that she is pregnant with his child 6-8 weeks or so. This completely threw me for a loop.
> 
> I am going crazy.




Hope you had the VAR on to catch that.

She's pregnant. You better kick her out fast. Start the divorce now. You dont want to get trapped supporting the other man's child financially for the next 18 to 23 years.

Get her out of your life now. Fast. Let her move in with the OM.


----------



## thunderstruck

bigtimemess said:


> She doesn't keep this child do I take it as a sign of remorse and try to work it out?


If she aborts the OM's kid, should you try to work it out? You can't possibly be FN serious here. 

Divorce her, and her gawd's sake, don't sleep with her again. I'm sure she'll give that a shot, if she hasn't already.


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> How could I ever Reconcile with her now? In my view she has 2 options and a pretty clear cut decision.
> 
> She keeps this child I am going to fight for everything and full custody of my current children and move on with my life.
> 
> She doesn't keep this child do I take it as a sign of remorse and try to work it out?
> 
> She has already told OM she is pregnant along with his family.


If her lips are moving, assume she's lying. She may well be pregnant, but she might also be just trying to get you to leave the house, especially if she knows you can't throw her out.


----------



## GetTough

keko said:


> If he cools off now then he'll be paying for another man's child for the next 18 years. He needs to kick her out in the heat of the moment or else he'll be lured back into her.


I don't think a strong man makes a fast decision because he can't rely on controlling himself in future.


----------



## aug

bigtimemess said:


> How could I ever Reconcile with her now? In my view she has 2 options and a pretty clear cut decision.
> 
> She keeps this child I am going to fight for everything and full custody of my current children and move on with my life.
> 
> *She doesn't keep this child do I take it as a sign of remorse and try to work it out?
> *
> She has already told OM she is pregnant along with his family.




If she aborts, she have more mental problems with that in the future.

You're in a very bad situation.

You essentially only have 1 solution. DIVORCE.

Kick her out now. Start the divorce now. Get evidence to support your claim for full custody of your children. Seek child support from her.


----------



## keko

GetTough said:


> I don't think a strong man makes a fast decision because he can't rely on controlling himself in future.


Is the OP a strong man?


----------



## warlock07

Inform the guy and his parents...Don't hesitate or wait!!


----------



## GetTough

keko said:


> Is the OP a strong man?


The risk if he acts in anger, and without taking the time to get legal advice is that he does something rash that costs him time with his kids.


----------



## aug

warlock07 said:


> Inform the guy and his parents...Don't hesitate or wait!!


Before you do that, also help your wife pack and drop her off there.


----------



## lordmayhem

bigtimemess said:


> Ok so I am back in my house and now she tells me that she is pregnant with his child 6-8 weeks or so. This completely threw me for a loop.
> 
> I am going crazy.


*The clock is NOW TICKING*. If this child is born while you're still married, then the child is considered a child of the marriage in most states/countries. You have to start the divorce papers now or you may end up being on hook for child support for a child that's not even yours, while this OM gets off scot free.


----------



## bandit.45

Call a lawyer today and tell him what is going on. Protect yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

GetTough said:


> The risk if he acts in anger, and without taking the time to get legal advice is that he does something rash that costs him time with his kids.


Quite the opposite actually. Being away from marital home was working against him in achieving fair parenting time, now if he can "force" her out of the house he'll gain the upper hand in claiming abandonment. Considering she's pregnant and OMs family has been notified you can bet she'll be staying there for the duration of the pregnancy.


----------



## Acabado

You will figure out as responsable for this OC if you are still married to her when she gives birth.


----------



## aug

lordmayhem said:


> *The clock is NOW TICKING*. If this child is born while you're still married, then the child is considered a child of the marriage in most states/countries. You have to start the divorce papers now or you may end up being on hook for child support for a child that's not even yours, while this OM gets off scot free.




Exactly. Talk to a few divorce lawyers today. Interview them in the next few days. Hire the most hard-assed one.

Start moving all the money to your own separate account now.

Dont give her a single cent starting now. Any money you think she is legally dued, she can get it after the divorce after your lawyer had vetted it.

You are not responsible for her in any way -- she had made that choice for you. Her OM can take care of her.


----------



## turnera

MattMatt said:


> No. You keep the house and the kids. Let her go live in the back of the bloody coffee shop or in his parent's gaff! Bloody cheek of her!
> 
> Get her to pay alimony to you.


You're looking at this wrong. SHE cheated, SHE wants out, so SHE gets to move out of the house your kids LIVE IN.

DO NOT LET HER KEEP THE HOUSE AND THE KIDS.

What exactly is she saying about ending the affair?


----------



## aug

turnera said:


> You're looking at this wrong. SHE cheated, SHE wants out, so SHE gets to move out of the house your kids LIVE IN.
> 
> DO NOT LET HER KEEP THE HOUSE AND THE KIDS.
> 
> What exactly is she saying about ending the affair?



She's carrying the OM's child. She always have contact with the OM. There's a child to hold them together. The affair will now be ongoing for the rest of their lifes.


----------



## thunderstruck

I'm guessing that the OM's parents aren't too thrilled about the pregnant cheater wife moving into their house. They may have already killed that option, which means the wifey will not agree to leave her house. The OP may have to move out, or live a hellish few months under the same roof while the D process works out. 

What a FN mess.


----------



## turnera

aug said:


> She's carrying the OM's child. She always have contact with the OM. There's a child to hold them together. The affair will now be ongoing for the rest of their lifes.


 Assuming it really is OM's, that she doesn't abort, and that she doesn't miscarry.


----------



## loveisforever

Divorce. What else?


----------



## turnera

bt, what's her status regarding OM? Your answer determines the advice.


----------



## turnera

I know lots of people whose marriages survive infidelity. It's really up to individual circumstances and choices.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Best way - Cut your losses. infidelity itself is a major hurdle to cross, a living reminder of that is going to eat you up on the inside for the rest of your life


----------



## GetTough

turnera said:


> Assuming it really is OM's, that she doesn't abort, and that she doesn't miscarry.


Another good reason not to do anything in the heat of the moment. A lot of assumptions are being made based on HER word, which is patently worthless. It could be OP's child, not OM's, or no child at all. How will it look in court if he throws his wife out of the family home, carrying HIS child, taking unreasonable actions to "force" her out, when presumably she has a right to be there. Talk to an attorney bigtime, not to her, not to OM or his family. There are lots of good people here who want to help you but attorneys know the score. Your situation is complicated and carries high risks. Get professional advice. I agree you should do THAT fast.


----------



## loveisforever

lordmayhem said:


> *The clock is NOW TICKING*. If this child is born while you're still married, then the child is considered a child of the marriage in most states/countries. You have to start the divorce papers now or you may end up being on hook for child support for a child that's not even yours, while this OM gets off scot free.


Well said. Action speaks louder than words. Just do it!


----------



## keko

GetTough said:


> Another good reason not to do anything in the heat of the moment. A lot of assumptions are being made based on HER word, which is patently worthless. It could be OP's child, not OM's, or no child at all. How will it look in court if he throws his wife out of the family home, carrying HIS child, taking unreasonable actions to "force" her out, when presumably she has a right to be there. Talk to an attorney bigtime, not to her, not to OM or his family. There are lots of good people here who want to help you but attorneys know the score. Your situation is complicated and carries high risks. Get professional advice. I agree you should do THAT fast.


"He didn't kick her out. Once WW realized she was pregnant by OM she went crazy due to her mental instability and ran out the door butt naked."

Of course OP should tell her to leave verbally and not in any form of writing.


----------



## badbane

GetTough said:


> Another good reason not to do anything in the heat of the moment. A lot of assumptions are being made based on HER word, which is patently worthless. It could be OP's child, not OM's, or no child at all.


Go with her to the OBGYN now. Get her to have a test. Be in the room. They will tell you both if she is pregnant and how far along she is. It sounds to me like you haven't had sex in awhile so the baby could be his if she is pregnant. 

If it is OM kid contact a lawyer notify him of the situation and then kick her to the curb. Your kids don't need to be spending time with OM and WW while OM learns to grow up and move out. IDK about custody but I would try to get her to sign post-nuptial agreement about custody.


----------



## happyman64

BTM,

You have a few problems my man and you have gotten some good advice here.

You need to follow the basic guidelines so you do not get screwed any further by your WW.

*1. Retain legal counsel.*
You need an attorney to protect you, your children and your assets. But most importantly if your wife is pregnant you need to protect yourself if you are not the father. In most states that child will be seen as your no matter who fathered the child.

*2. Exposure*
No matter if you R or D you need to expose the affair. To his parents and the OM. They need to know you are married and you have been blindsided by your wife just recently. Especially if their son is the father. You need to make it clear you will protect your family and do it legally. You also need your family and your wifes family to know what is going on so they can support your family through these trying times.

*3. OBGYN*
You need to decide how to handle your wife. Because I think you are the only sane person in your relationship. If she really is pregnant she has a decision to make. I am sure her decision will tell you if R or D is in your future.

*4. Take care of yourself*
You need to stay healthy for you, your wife and your children. Your mess just got bigger and it will take a toll on you.
Go see a Dr. and let the doc know what you are going through. Let work know what you are going through. Let your parents know what you are going through.

*Stay strong*, do not back down and try to protect your kids from as much fallout as possible. Your kids are young so do not argue in front of them.

And for gods sake move back home. Tell your wife to go stay with her parents until you guys get a few things straightened out. I know you do not want to see her but if she is pregnant the clock is ticking.

And if she is pregnant then your wife has some real serious issues going on in her head as well as her body.

Sorry for your mess but have faith in yourself and vent here if you need to let off some steam.

HM64


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Its one thing going thru all the mood swings etc when its your kid but when its OM's???? Let alone watching her belly and the rest of her grow and grow!!! Kick her out for sure but lets face it if she doesn't want to leave you can't make her.

What does her family say??


----------



## jnj express

HeyBTM---just know this---if you sit on this, and do nothing, while you wait----for who knows what----you could eventually end up as the named father

Then you will be responsible for this child of his and hers, for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS---also you could have her lover in your life, along with his family for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS-----is that what you really want

Sad to say, but no matter what, for your sake, and YOUR KIDS sake, get a D.

This kind of drama and crap in your life---YOU DO NOT NEED

You are only gonna get one trip thru life on this planet---are you really looking to be miserable for the next 18 yrs.???????


----------



## bigtimemess

Update:

Within not even 2-3 hours being at the house she has wanted to do nothing but talk talk talk. I allowed her to go on a little bit about it but gave 1 word short answers. I was cold nor mean just pretty even keel. I have come to grips she cheated and that this is the situation that we are in. I have 3 children under the age of 8 within the house that I want to keep stable for them.

She keeps approaching with all the what if this what if that etc etc etc. The one that struck me was when she said what if I was to get the abortion would we be able to recover from that?

I was kind of caught off guard with this one and didnt really answer it. I told her I was moving forward with my life with or without her.

I have talked to several divorce lawyers now and they say I have an extremely good case and there is not much for me to "worry" about. Only thing is these lawyers are extremely expensive and we do not have much money to begin with.

Since the case does not look that complicated I was thinking about filing myself and then if it gets into a custody battle (which I don't forsee happening) getting limited representation then.

Outside of this is there any other advice you guys have. I will not say R is out of the picture as much as it should be but as far as I am concerned now I will be moving forward with a divorce.


----------



## keko

Keep a digital voice recorder on yourself at all times. When she realizes she's not getting what she wants you can be sure she'll start playing dirty tricks on you.

DO NOT have a talk with her about the other mans child. It is solely upto them to decide what happens, abortion or birth. Just change the subject when it comes up.


----------



## bigtimemess

She has 0 real family as she doesn't speak with her father and her mother recently passed away.

Once again we live in a small town and I can't afford to move my kids out so I do not want to turn it into a huge ****show for them either by blowing up the other part of this. 

We have the spare room which was the kids play room. Tomorrow I will spend the day turning it into my living quarters. It is away from the rest of the house so we will have a good amount of space in between us. I imagine the kids will be in with me more than anything. I can't legally kick her out, but I can make her feel uncomfortable enough that she doesn't want to be there anymore. I also have the option of working from home so taking the kids to school/daycare/ etc etc is not an issue.

Like you guys said I have setup a separate banking account that my Direct Deposit will now going into. She has 0 money to do anything with. I will of course pay for food gas utilities house etc all the normal stuff, however I refuse to give any extra money

I want to say thank you to you guys as the past 6 days have been extremely painful and scary, but you all have given me some great advice. Have I followed it all to a tee, unfortunately not, however I have learned what to do and what not to do. I will continue to post on her throughout my ordeal and hopefully someone else will be able to learn from my situation


----------



## keko

bigtimemess said:


> We have the spare room which was the kids play room. Tomorrow I will spend the day turning it into my living quarters. It is away from the rest of the house so we will have a good amount of space in between us. I imagine the kids will be in with me more than anything. I can't legally kick her out, but I can make her feel uncomfortable enough that she doesn't want to be there anymore. I also have the option of working from home so taking the kids to school/daycare/ etc etc is not an issue.


Have her move into the spare room while you take the master. 

Work from home and start keeping a journal of everything you do with the kids/how little time their mother spends with them. This will extremely help you in getting a decent child custody.

Legally you can't kick her out but what you can do is pack her clothes in garbage bags, drive her to other guys place then drop her off over there. If/when she comes back you can't keep her out but it's not likely for her to come right back. Her being out of your sight will calm you down, emotionally.


----------



## Shaggy

A divorce lawyer at any cost is cheaper than raising anther mans child or the daily cost of sharing a life with a cheater like your wife. Mach day of life s precious and non replaceable. Don't waste these precious days on someone unworthy of them.

File for divorce and full custody. Send her and his baby to the OM and let him deal with her in his room at his moms house.

She should not get the comfy master bed room. Frankly he has zero right to any comfort at all.

Deserving people do not have affairs. Deserving women do not get knocked up other men's babies. Putting her in the guest room is more than generous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

Hey BTM---yes you can file the D., yourself

1st go to your state's FAMILY CODES, find it thru google---read each and every one of them, pertaining to D., law, property, liability, custody, read everything

Then go to forms, and print out the D. forms, and the custody forms, and any other pertinent forms---it is all there on the computer

Take your time fill it out properly, file it and have her served----your total cost---the filing and service fees

Then you decide where to go from there---but do remember, you have to have yourself removed from being held as the paternal father for her lovers child, and that gets done quickly---do the same things---its all on the internet.


----------



## aug

keko said:


> Keep a digital voice recorder on yourself at all times. When she realizes she's not getting what she wants you can be sure she'll start playing dirty tricks on you.
> *
> DO NOT have a talk with her about the other mans child. It is solely upto them to decide what happens, abortion or birth. Just change the subject when it comes up.*



Very good point. You are NOT the father of the fetus. You have no right to get involved with its future. 

If she aborts, she'll get fvcked up mentally with that too. Let her be. Let her go.

Move on, move on. Protect yourself.


----------



## turnera

Let HER move into the spare room. Ask her tonight what color she wants you to paint her new room.

You still didn't say what she wants to do. Is she giving up OM?


----------



## GetTough

turnera said:


> Let HER move into the spare room.
> 
> *Great idea.*
> 
> Ask her tonight what color she wants you to paint her new room.
> 
> *Err no. Funny!, but no, he shouldn't do this!*
> 
> You still didn't say what she wants to do. Is she giving up OM?
> 
> *My guess is that she probably doesn't know what she wants and is very confused and scared. It sounds like he may get the choice if he rejects her until she is totally contrite and remorseful. But seriously... even then in his shoes I would have very very big reservations about staying involved with this woman in future.*


----------



## Chaparral

Check out dadsdivorce.com

Remember the courts ain't fair to dads, no matter what mom has done.


----------



## Acabado

Don't ever mention the work abortion but put cristal clear she's crazy thinking you are going to raise anybody else's child.
She destroyed everything within 3-4 mo, she should be running like crazy trying to fix it.


----------



## Acabado

> The one that struck me was when she said what if I was to get the abortion would we be able to recover from that?


Self delusion is so strange... does she want' any kind of garantee? Does she believes all would be suddenly ok except for that little pregnancy? Good Lord.


----------



## Machiavelli

Acabado said:


> Self delusion is so strange... does she want' any kind of garantee? Does she believes all would be suddenly ok except for that little pregnancy? Good Lord.


Even if the WW offs the OC kid in order to stay together with OP, she'll grow to resent and hate OP for "making her do it." This will be the case even if the OP never says a word about it.


----------



## Acabado

Agree


----------



## OldWolf57

My Prayers go out to your family, yes her included.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Acabado said:


> Self delusion is so strange... does she want' any kind of garantee? Does she believes all would be suddenly ok except for that little pregnancy? Good Lord.




When she cheated she disrespected him, marriage and the children in the worst way, getting knocked up by OM and still she dont know what to do do is ultimate disrespect to OP. Really shameful and horrible.
*If she had a trace of respect for OP she should have been on her knees by now,* but still she is not sure about what to do for me means she is not scared but know that OP is going to take care of her and OM child. She is in the process of prolonging and getting more time so that OP cool down.

Why she wanted any garantee from you that if she abort, you will get over her cheating? Why she is asking what ifs" There is only one IF that is if she cheated and knocked up by OM then she is out of the home and marriage, there is nothing else, no negotiation.


I don't know why OP didn't pack her bags and dump it at OMs house, it may give her an idea of the gravity of her doings.

Cheating on her husband and getting knocked up by OM and still she is at home? you want her at your master bedroom? REALLY?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Dealing with a hormonal pregnant wife is challenging enough. Dealing with a cheating hormonal pregnant cake eating wife who's carrying another man's child would be hell on earth.


----------



## aug

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Dealing with a hormonal pregnant wife is challenging enough. Dealing with a cheating hormonal pregnant cake eating wife who's carrying another man's child would be hell on earth.



OP has now reached the gates of hell. Time to run away before the gates shut.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Scenario 1-> She can keep the kid but you are getting the Fvuck out of dodge

Scenario 2-> She offs the kid, then maybe, maybe you have a 0.1% chance of R

Its her choice as to what she wants to do, but its your decision that you'll have to live with ultimately

I'm very pro-life and all, no need for an innocent foetus to suffer for the actions of its parents, but personally i could never bring myself to raise another man's child( born out of an affair that is), it would be an insult to my marriage and my person.

But thats your decision to make.

I'd dodge the bullet if i were you


----------



## lordmayhem

anonymouskitty said:


> I'm very pro-life and all, no need for an innocent foetus to suffer for the actions of its parents, but personally i could never bring myself to raise another man's child( born out of an affair that is), it would be an insult to my marriage and my person.


I'm pro life too. The child can be given up for adoption as one of the options.


----------



## aug

lordmayhem said:


> I'm pro life too. The child can be given up for adoption as one of the options.



poor child! this has to be one of the saddest environment for the child to be born into. 

BUT this should not be OP's problem. Let the (ex)wife and the OM deal with it.


----------



## bigtimemess

Well if I have learned anything on here it is that if her mouth is moving she is lieing. She says she has stopped with the OM etc but I don't believe her. Best I can do now is print out these form start filling them out and have her served. Its not her decision anymore its mine. She already made her choice now she can deal with it.


----------



## AngryandUsed

My head is spinning........


----------



## aug

bigtimemess said:


> Well if I have learned anything on here it is that if her mouth is moving she is lieing. She says she has stopped with the OM etc but I don't believe her. Best I can do now is print out these form start filling them out and have her served. *Its not her decision anymore its mine. She already made her choice now she can deal with it.*



Glad to see that you're starting to realize this.


----------



## aug

Get a few VARs (voice activated recorder) in place. Keep one with you at all times to protect yourself against any domestic violence charge she may level at you. Keep others active and hidden around the house, just in case. Hidden cams in the house is another idea.

Protect yourself and thus your children.


----------



## anonymouskitty

bigtimemess said:


> well if i have learned anything on here it is that if her mouth is moving she is lieing. She says she has stopped with the om etc but i don't believe her. Best i can do now is print out these form start filling them out and have her served. Its not her decision anymore its mine. She already made her choice now she can deal with it.


you the man!!


----------



## Machiavelli

aug said:


> Get a few VARs (voice activated recorder) in place. Keep one with you at all times to protect yourself against any domestic violence charge she may level at you. Keep others active and hidden around the house, just in case. Hidden cams in the house is another idea.
> 
> Protect yourself and thus your children.


Yup. Once you drop the hammer, she could go off in several different ways.


----------



## bigtimemess

Heh imagine what mine is doing right now.


----------



## Acabado

Your wife is about to have the mother of the mental breakdowns. Be calm and firm, don't react poorly.


----------



## lordmayhem

bigtimemess said:


> Well if I have learned anything on here it is that if her mouth is moving she is lieing. *She says she has stopped with the OM etc but I don't believe her*. Best I can do now is print out these form start filling them out and have her served. Its not her decision anymore its mine. She already made her choice now she can deal with it.



Your WW starts going to the gym in March, losing weight, hanging out with new friends.
Only 4 days ago she admits to a texting relationship with this OM, but you find out she's slept with him, and that she STILL wants to separate.
Three hours later you find out OM is single living with his parents and they own a coffee shop that your WW goes to
That afternoon you tell you you're coming home and she starts freaking out and starts calling/texting she wants a divorce
2 days ago you come across pictures in her email that OM has been in your house and presumable around your 3 young children, and he's referring to you as the "ex"
Yesterday you come home and she tells you that she's pregnant with HIS child, indicating they've been having sex for more than 2 months now.

Sorry that you're going thru such agony in such a short amount of time. Since she claims it's his child, I'm going to assume that you haven't had sex with her in more than 2 months, is that correct?

But you're right, it's her problem now.


----------



## turnera

Don't make big decisions in the middle of the emotions.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Turnera, this is the best decision he's taking. He seems to have come out of his emotional fog


----------



## bigtimemess

That is correct Mayhem.

I am not even 100% positive she is even pregnant........


----------



## Acabado

*Get a VAR* and carry it with you ALL the time, be sure to have charged batteries. Your wife is in a very desperate position, you don't know the real her who just arised (just few months ago you didn't think she was capable of this horror), don't asume she's not capable to call the police with fake assault charges. She didn't think she'd destroy her life and chances for the future, she's short of good choices, nobody is ready for this, there's not proper coping skills. And it happens more times you'd think. Everyday.


----------



## Acabado

> I am not even 100% positive she is even pregnant........


Good take. I wouldn't believe anything she tells for a while.


----------



## bigtimemess

Man I am doing all the paperwork and going through the calculations and it looks like I am going to get ****ed twice in this situation.

I live in a crap state for this type of thing to happen apparently.


----------



## turnera

Then slow down.


----------



## aug

bigtimemess said:


> Man I am doing all the paperwork and going through the calculations and it looks like I am going to get ****ed twice in this situation.
> 
> I live in a crap state for this type of thing to happen apparently.




Double check with lawyer? 

You may have to retain one in any case because this is not a straightforward divorce with the OM's child involved?


----------



## crossbar

Acabado said:


> Good take. I wouldn't believe anything she tells for a while.


 I agree with this. She could have told you that she was pregnant just to get you to leave again. If she is knows she's pregnant, I would look around the house. If she's been to the Doctors to confirm this, then there would be paperwork. You know, do's and don'ts while you're pregnant. A slip for follow up appointment with a time and date. Appointment slip for an ultra sound. Look to see if there's and prescriptions for pre-natal vitamins. Check the medicine cabinet.

See if there's physical evidence to confirm this. Don't take her word on this.


----------



## keko

bigtimemess said:


> Man I am doing all the paperwork and going through the calculations and it looks like I am going to get ****ed twice in this situation.
> 
> I live in a crap state for this type of thing to happen apparently.


Fvcked twice? Maybe.

But do you want to be fvcked 3 times? Retain an attorney to guide you through it. Ask,beg,steal if you dont have the $$.


----------



## Shaggy

One thing you can immediately do is to cut her off from your support. No more money, no more cell phone etc. cut her off. You buy the food, pay the bills etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

OM purchased her a cellphone apparently and I have the rest of the money in a seperate account already thanks to your guys advice!


----------



## Shaggy

If it was me, I think the new cell phone would have been sanitized in the dishwasher by now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

keko said:


> Fvcked twice? Maybe.
> 
> But do you want to be fvcked 3 times? Retain an attorney to guide you through it. Ask,beg,steal if you dont have the $$.


I echo the wise words


----------



## turnera

Shaggy said:


> If it was me, I think the new cell phone would have been sanitized in the dishwasher by now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Oops! Darn kids!


----------



## keko

Shaggy said:


> If it was me, I think the new cell phone would have been sanitized in the dishwasher by now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After a few long distance calls.


----------



## crossbar

keko said:


> After a few long distance calls.


To Italy, China, Japan, Austrailia......


----------



## aug

Shaggy said:


> If it was me, I think the new cell phone would have been sanitized in the dishwasher by now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Or, oops, it fell into the sink full of water. Didnt notice that for a while. Took it out and dried it. Hope it still works.


----------



## keko

crossbar said:


> To Italy, China, Japan, Austrailia......


Lets not forget the 1800 sex calls.


----------



## crossbar

aug said:


> Or, oops, it fell into the sink full of water. Didnt notice that for a while. * Took it out and dried it. * Hope it still works.


In the dryer.....


----------



## crossbar

keko said:


> Lets not forget the 1800 sex calls.


and the psychic hotlines....


----------



## Speed

Shaggy said:


> If it was me, I think the new cell phone would have been sanitized in the dishwasher by now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey now, I am sure that the OM's parents worked hard for the money that he hit them up for to buy her a cellphone.

She sure did pick a winner.


----------



## Chaparral

bigtimemess said:


> That is correct Mayhem.
> 
> I am not even 100% positive she is even pregnant........


If she is pregnant are you sure it can not be your's?


----------



## bigtimemess

chapparal said:


> If she is pregnant are you sure it can not be your's?


It would definitely not be mine if she was. 

Anyone have some words of wisdom to get my mind off this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Stay off the booze.

Whenever you're free spend it with your kids, maybe take them out to a park or somewhere else.

Are you working out? Waste all your negative energy there.


----------



## happyman64

BTM,

It is about you and your kids now. Do what is best for you and them.

The wife is in crazyville now and won't be moving from there anytime soon. 

Definitely obtain counsel if she s pregnant with OM's kid. The lawyer might know some tricks with respect to spousal support.

And just look on the bright side she traded down. You get to trade up.

Ignore her as bet you can, focus on the kids and the divorce. Stay healthy.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

happyman64 said:


> BTM,
> 
> It is about you and your kids now. Do what is best for you and them.
> 
> The wife is in crazyville now and won't be moving from there anytime soon.
> 
> Definitely obtain counsel if she s pregnant with OM's kid. The lawyer might know some tricks with respect to spousal support.
> 
> And just look on the bright side she traded down. You get to trade up.
> 
> Ignore her as bet you can, focus on the kids and the divorce. Stay healthy.
> 
> HM64
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is harder than I thought. Keep seeing flashbacks from the pictures I saw then of course I see more stuff. Why can't it all just hit at once. I know I shouldn't care but it is still like torture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

bigtimemess said:


> It would definitely not be mine if she was.
> 
> Anyone have some words of wisdom to get my mind off this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have this. Your wife has picked a total looser of an OM and that is the life she has chosen for her future self.

You aren't stuck with that stupid choice. Getting rid of her means you are free to upgrade to a much better woman, while the OM is stuck with done one stupid enough to give him a second look.

You can and will do do much better than her, and you've got a great story about how crappy your ex was that you can use to get major good sympathy sex from hot women for years to vome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Leave her man, she and her pregnancy is no more your problem.Its her **** let she gather it for herself. Serve her the papers immediately, else you will screw up rest of your life royally.


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> Well if I have learned anything on here it is that if her mouth is moving she is lieing. She says she has stopped with the OM etc but I don't believe her. Best I can do now is print out these form start filling them out and have her served. Its not her decision anymore its mine. She already made her choice now she can deal with it.





bigtimemess said:


> She keeps approaching with all the what if this what if that etc etc etc. The one that struck me was when she said what if I was to get the abortion would we be able to recover from that?


She is crying out for help. She is looking for you to take the lead like a man and lead her out of this mess she's gotten herself into. Whether you want to do that, is up to you. Not many people could do that. For the child though, if you were strong enough to raise another man's child and take her back... you could probably sell your story to Oprah. But there's no weakness in dumping her ass given what she's done either.

_Added to clarify ...she's acted incredibly immaturely by the sounds of it, she probably deserves divorce. I'm not advising you to rescue her. I think it may well be foolish for you to do that. But on the slim chance that you wanted to, taking charge would be the way to do it... not letting her run the show._


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

GetTough said:


> She is crying out for help. She is looking for you to TAKE THE LEAD like a MAN and lead her out of this mess she's gotten herself into. Whether you want to do that, is up to you. Not many people could do that. For the child though, if you were strong enough to raise another man's child and take her back... you could probably sell your story to Oprah. But there's no weakness in dumping her ass given what she's done either.


Oprah doesn't have enough money for me to raise another man's child.

[Step children notwithstanding -- but it's moot since I don't plan on marrying again.]


----------



## anonymouskitty

Hello Hello, Why does he Have to Man up and take the lead on anything? He's already manned up enough to table a D. She's crying out for help, well hell, she brought it on herself didn't she? Well I beg to differ here but her s*it is hers to clean


----------



## GetTough

anonymouskitty said:


> Hello Hello, Why does he Have to Man up and take the lead on anything? He's already manned up enough to table a D. She's crying out for help, well hell, she brought it on herself didn't she? Well I beg to differ here but her s*it is hers to clean


He doesn't. He has no obligation. I agree with you. I'm not about to make the call on whether he should raise this child, R, or not. I don't think that's a decision for people on TAM to make. Bear in mind its also taking the lead like a man to dump her sorry ass.


----------



## jnj express

Hey BTM-----visions may stay with you for years, or even forever, it is part of the total package, that comes with your wife, destroying you, also if she stays with you, she will trigger you!!

Go ahead and fill out the forms, and file them, and serve her, get the process started, if you did something wrong, you can always amend your form, it does not cost to amend------if things change, you do not have to finish the D., process---but at least by filing, you have let her know, with DEAD SERIOUSNESS, that you will not stand by and be taken/destroyed/dissed, and also have to watch your family go down the drain, and another also, if she is preggers, you will not be a party to having to care for another mans child, and be stuck to be involved with him and his family for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS------

-If things require it, you may need a lawyer, later on---at this point you do not---also you probably will get a court appointed mediator, and they will also help/guide you thru the process---once again---that also costs NOTHING------just file, and protect yourself, and also let her know enuff is enuff---she and her lover can go straight to H., and stay there.


----------



## bigtimemess

I have filed and notified her of this. She has been in panic mode now as everything is in my name (House, her car etc etc) not that it matters and that her cake ride is ending. Being back in the house is definitely working on her as she was never one to go out all the time. I know she isnt staying at OM house all day as that would be odd with his tribe of a family. I am half tempted to go into this person workpace and order a coffee while with my 3 kids.

She has even said what if we do not want it to come to D. I told her it was filed and I am moving forward have not heard a peep from her since this. Moved all my **** into the Guest room and got a mini fort/mancave going on. Also I have great family support as there are 4 immediate members of my family that live near me and are semi retired along with places to stay if this gets ugly. I plan on coming and going as I please working on myself. The type of woman she is it will kill her.

I am planning on lasting this out like a siege to a castle. I will not make it comfortable for her to be here, but at the same time be somewhat courteous. I have my VAR with me at all times just in case.


----------



## jnj express

Reality, just hit her like you taking a baseball bat to her

Believe me, her brain, is now clearing itself real quick

She now knows, that she very well may be facing a future, by herself, and with her having to support those kids, when it is her turn---she may well have to work, up to 2 jobs, just to break even---she will have no real quality time left to herself, and I imagine, even as we speak, she is seriously evaluating what she REALLY has with her lover, and that is NOTHING, NADA, BIG FAT ZERO, ZILCH, DONUT, BAGEL,---she is gonna come to realizations real quick, that what she did, got herself involved in, was absolutely not worth it

Lets see what you get from her now

Stand firm, no lovey dovey, no mr nice guy---just keep her at arms length--------She is gonna become the perfect little woman, you watch---too bad its way too little, and way too late.


----------



## bigtimemess

jnj what makes matters even more odd is that the OM looks like my twin. It seems as though she tried to escape and got trapped in an even more ****ed up situation. I would love to hear what a counselor would say about this mess.

We will see as they say only time will tell what happens. I have protected myself and my family now it is time to focus on healing.


----------



## morituri

GetTough said:


> She is crying out for help. She is looking for you to TAKE THE LEAD like a MAN and lead her out of this mess she's gotten herself into.


She is not a little girl and he is not her father.


----------



## keko

You're doing extremely well regarding how f'd up the situation is, big props to you.

Also start preparing yourself for her to cry and beg for you to take her back. These will be crocodile tears so don't fall for them.


----------



## GetTough

morituri said:


> She is not a little girl and he is not her father.


Yeah. And since she's acted incredibly immaturely by the sounds of it, she probably deserves divorce. I'm not advising him to rescue her. I think it may well be foolish for him to do that. But on the slim chance that he wanted to, taking charge would be the way to do it... not letting her run the show.


----------



## Shaggy

I really like the idea of you taking the kids and visiting the coffee shop. If you can pull it off it will really freak him out.


----------



## turnera

Hell, I would have STAKED OUT the coffee bar, kids in tow, and told every person walking into it that the guy inside hits on married women - with KIDS

His boss would have fired him in MINUTES.

That said, I believe in second chances, IF he wants to. Not even Mother Teresa was 100% without fault. Now, what she DOES with a second chance should determine where he goes.


----------



## Chaparral

turnera said:


> Hell, I would have STAKED OUT the coffee bar, kids in tow, and told every person walking into it that the guy inside hits on married women - with KIDS
> 
> His boss would have fired him in MINUTES.
> 
> That said, I believe in second chances, IF he wants to. Not even Mother Teresa was 100% without fault. Now, what she DOES with a second chance should determine where he goes.


Word. Too many betrayed spouses give the ap a free ride.


----------



## aug

turnera said:


> That said, I believe in second chances, IF he wants to. Not even Mother Teresa was 100% without fault. Now, what she DOES with a second chance should determine where he goes.



Second chance? Not when she has the OM's child. What a trigger that will be for the rest of OP's life. And the poor child. Also, the OM will always be in the picture. 

Who's going to be legally responsible for the OM's child if the WW stayed in the marriage. BTM could be stuck paying for the child for 18 to 23 years because the child would be born into the marriage -- this means the OM gets a free ride. Totally sucks.

Too much of a mess. Too much unknown. Now is the best time to leave.


----------



## anonymouskitty

I couldn't agree with aug more, i know that there are many men magnanimous enough to handle this situation and keep the family together and raise WW's child as their own but I am not one of them and from the sound of it BTM is not one of them too.


----------



## happyman64

Shaggy said:


> I really like the idea of you taking the kids and visiting the coffee shop. If you can pull it off it will really freak him out.


:iagree:

I second that. Let them see just exactly what their son has been messing with. You have proven how big your cajones are. Keep using them.

Go have a nice breakfast with the kiddies. Hell, be nice and tell your wayward wife you are all going out for breakfast.

Just do not tell her where.

Good job so far but do not stop now. The healing for you cannot start until this mess is cleaned up.

HM64


----------



## morituri

Why not simply tell the OM that since he's banging her, and got her pregnant that he is now solely responsible for her and to come pick her and her things up?

This tactic has worked beautifully because in most cases the OM panics and throws his lover, the cheating wife, under the bus immediately or after a short time of having her live with him. It also is a very humiliating experience for the cheating wife because she finally opens her eyes that she was nothing more than an easy piece of a$$ for the OM (something most women abhor being for ANY man). And the betrayed husband regains his self respect and dignity because he has shown his cheating wife that he does not fear ending their marriage and moving on with his life.

No doubt about it, tough love is the only successful way to go for a betrayed spouse, more so in situations like this one.


----------



## anonymouskitty

And since OP looks like he's gearing up for a D that would leave WW in such a pitiable state she'd probably come back begging on her knees, but OP would have already filed by then ....ah revenge is best served cold


----------



## keko

Just take your wife to his parents coffee shop and drop her off there.


----------



## aug

keko said:


> Just take your wife to his parents coffee shop and drop her off there.



Good idea.

Take her and the kids to have coffee. Then when it's time to go, leave her there with her belonging.


----------



## morituri

And consider telling your so called wife the following.

"The woman I loved, my wife, is dead. She is gone. You killed her. How can you possibly even think I would want to be married to her murderer?"


----------



## anonymouskitty

Or you could just smile and say "Atta boy sweetie, cheerio"


----------



## morituri

anonymouskitty said:


> Or you could just smile and say "Atta boy sweetie, cheerio"


Too British - she may just buy him some Cheerios


----------



## akashNil

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I second that. Let them see just exactly what their son has been messing with. You have proven how big your cajones are. Keep using them.
> 
> Go have a nice breakfast with the kiddies. Hell, be nice and tell your wayward wife you are all going out for breakfast.
> 
> Just do not tell her where.
> 
> Good job so far but do not stop now. The healing for you cannot start until this mess is cleaned up.
> 
> HM64


Sounds good - but isn't this risky? Can the OM put something into OP's or his kid's coffee or food?


----------



## happyman64

akashNil said:


> Sounds good - but isn't this risky? Can the OM put something into OP's or his kid's coffee or food?


Only if Big Time Mess wants to end up owning the entire family and the coffee shop! Hey, now we're
Onto something.

Not a bad plan but it only happens in the movie.

BTM could always leave a few mice behind as a tip.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonim

Kallan Pavithran said:


> *If she had a trace of respect for OP she should have been on her knees by now,*


Oh I think its past that stage already..


----------



## bigtimemess

Major Update-

Wife and OM along with his 2 friends decided to show up at my house while I had the kids. I don't know why as I asked my wife to bring back my car so that I could take the kids out. I blew up the entire fantasy world that they were living. So much to the point that OM brother called me as he was worried about the relationship his brother is getting into. Long story short OM tried to force his way into my house and was yelling etc in front of my kids.

Anyways like the calm cool collective person I have now become I didn't react. Instead I called the police and filed a report. This morning I went to the Courthouse and got a Order of Protection against both my wife and the OM for me and the kids. The judge was actually extremely helpful and actually gave me everything I was looking to achieve. While there another Single father was there and I was able to get in contact with a great lawyer.

On another front I told my entire family and now I have even more support and I feel a ton better than keeping it from some of them.


I will continue to keep you guys posted.


----------



## lordmayhem

bigtimemess said:


> Major Update-
> 
> Wife and OM along with his 2 friends decided to show up at my house while I had the kids. I don't know why as I asked my wife to bring back my car so that I could take the kids out. I blew up the entire fantasy world that they were living. So much to the point that OM brother called me as he was worried about the relationship his brother is getting into. Long story short OM tried to force his way into my house and was yelling etc in front of my kids.
> 
> Anyways like the calm cool collective person I have now become I didn't react. Instead I called the police and filed a report. This morning I went to the Courthouse and got a Order of Protection against both my wife and the OM for me and the kids. The judge was actually extremely helpful and actually gave me everything I was looking to achieve. While there another Single father was there and I was able to get in contact with a great lawyer.
> 
> On another front I told my entire family and now I have even more support and I feel a ton better than keeping it from some of them.
> 
> 
> I will continue to keep you guys posted.


Awesome!


----------



## keko

Perfect. Go through with the PO and try to get more then a 50/50 child custody.


:smthumbup: For actually calling the cops instead of making a big scene.


----------



## DailyGrind

bigtimemess said:


> Major Update-
> 
> Wife and OM along with his 2 friends decided to show up at my house while I had the kids. I don't know why as I asked my wife to bring back my car so that I could take the kids out. I blew up the entire fantasy world that they were living. So much to the point that OM brother called me as he was worried about the relationship his brother is getting into. Long story short OM tried to force his way into my house and was yelling etc in front of my kids.
> 
> Anyways like the calm cool collective person I have now become I didn't react. Instead I called the police and filed a report. This morning I went to the Courthouse and got a Order of Protection against both my wife and the OM for me and the kids. The judge was actually extremely helpful and actually gave me everything I was looking to achieve. While there another Single father was there and I was able to get in contact with a great lawyer.
> 
> On another front I told my entire family and now I have even more support and I feel a ton better than keeping it from some of them.
> 
> 
> I will continue to keep you guys posted.


Did you have the VAR on you, to record this confrontation?


----------



## OldWolf57

DG, he called the cops, that means a file. BTM, man you are good. YOU are a MUCH bigger man than me. She actually bought this man to your house to confront you. What was they going to do, make you treat her better and raise his kid ?? Man you blew this up on them. Reality is biting them in the a66.


----------



## aug

The audio recording of the encounter to bolster his case for full child support?


----------



## DailyGrind

aug said:


> The audio recording of the encounter to bolster his case for full child support?


That's what I was thinking, as well.


----------



## bigtimemess

Unfortunately they caught me by surprise and I didnt have the VAR downstairs with me.

Side note the officer that showed up is a good friend of mine who never liked my wife to begin with so I am sure his report is very detailed.

Apparently Custody starts at 50/50 in the state I am in so the fact that this incident happened along with the judge ruling in an Order or Protection to my favor is helping out very nicely. I think I have a very good chance and the lawyer also agreed.


----------



## keko

bigtimemess, from now till the next PO hearing DO NOT answer her calls, just keep a record of her texts/voicemails/emails. These will show she is breaking the PO and will yield you additional time/help in custody.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Watching these waywards F-up their lives is like witnessing a slow motion train wreck.


----------



## bigtimemess

Also I don't have to tell her **** of where I am or what I am doing with the kids as I am protecting them from her crazyself and boytoy

I have gotten over 100 missed calls and 40+texts today and she hasn't even been served yet...... **** is going to hit the fan on her when she realizes she can't see of be in contact with the kids for at least the next 5-10 days if she contests it.

Also the fact that I have that protection order on OM against my kids and myself means that he can't be around them. This is the main one I wanted to accomplish as I don't know how long the one on her will last.


----------



## keko

bigtimemess said:


> I have gotten over 100 missed calls and 40+texts today and she hasn't even been served yet...... **** is going to hit the fan on her when she realizes she can't see of be in contact with the kids for at least the next 5-10 days if she contests it.


*DO NOT* answer her calls/texts/emails/ etc. It will disregard the PO. Keep a record of these and take them with you to the next court hearing.


----------



## aug

The PO also means she cant stay at your house now, right?


----------



## bigtimemess

Also forgot to add that in these Calls she was threatening to call the police and that she was at the police station. 

Little did she know while she was sending these texts etc I was already there and then at the court getting the restraining orders.


----------



## bigtimemess

aug said:


> The PO also means she cant stay at your house now, right?


That is correct.


----------



## iheartlife

Knocked that one out of the park!! More power to you. Steady as you go. Your kids are so lucky to have you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NewM

Why did he try to force his way into your house,were they thinking of staying in your house while you are taking kids out and you didn't let them?


----------



## keko

NewM said:


> Why did he try to force his way into your house,were they thinking of staying in your house while you are taking kids out and you didn't let them?


Where else can they make love? In the basement of OMs parents house?


----------



## bigtimemess

No she came in the house to calm the kids and he tried to follow. Scared the **** outta my kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OldWolf57

his out of control antics around your kids really helps to keep him away from them. it shows the judge there will be no stability around him, and judges are concerned with that. HAHAHAHA, he delivered your biggest weapon against them. as long as she is in a relationship with him, you can ask the judge to only let her have supervised visits at your house, bc you feel she will take them around him. Man, you can go mercernary on her a66 now.


----------



## Shaggy

Well done. Now don't let her turn on the crocodile tears and ask you to lift it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

Whatever happened to "I'll get an abortion if we don't divorce"

are you sure she's mentally stable at this time?


----------



## bigtimemess

After thinking about the big picture I see that my life and my childrens life will be better without her so intimately involved.

She had alot of issues when we first met and I always pleaded she go to counseling to help herself, however she never went.


In a way I should be glad this happened now and not later. I am still young my children are young and we can recover from this. I can't say the same about her and the baggage that she will be carrying into that family.

I also rethought the whole abort process and thats not my decision thats hers, but it is probably going to be tough for her to have a reminder for the rest of her life and I don't see her living conditions improving over what I was able to provide so I don't see how this benefits her. She still gets half our debt incurred from the marriage and hopefully she will be paying me support. Its actually a relief as not I get rid of a downer in my life as well as half my debt.

After being able to see clearly this might be one of the greatest events to happen in my life.


----------



## bigtimemess

Just got the "Did you try to have me served text?" and now the phone calls begin.......



You guys have helped me more than you know emotionally as well as helped me keep my family together the best I can


----------



## GetTough

bigtimemess said:


> Also I don't have to tell her **** of where I am or what I am doing with the kids as I am protecting them from her crazyself and boytoy
> 
> I have gotten over 100 missed calls and 40+texts today and she hasn't even been served yet...... **** is going to hit the fan on her when she realizes she can't see of be in contact with the kids for at least the next 5-10 days if she contests it.
> 
> Also the fact that I have that protection order on OM against my kids and myself means that he can't be around them. This is the main one I wanted to accomplish as I don't know how long the one on her will last.


They can take months to resolve sometimes. It can be pretty tough on the kids.


----------



## bigtimemess

Thats my biggest concern GT, however I have my parents who my kids absolutely love being with who are assisting me so it helps alot. I am also young enough to where there great grandparents are young enough to be involved as well. I am glad that I came to them for help and guidance. 1 thing you always have is your family minus maybe a crazy wife. I have spoke with my boss about the situation and told him I will periodically have to take time off. I have a ton of vacation time so he does not mind and I can also work from home.

Only thing that will sting is watching the house that I worked for my family be sold or walked away from. The kids never liked it anyways and the neighborhoods suck out here. It will be a shorter commute to work and more access to the grandparents and great grandparents as well as things to do.


----------



## OldWolf57

Remember don't answer her calls or txts. it could nullify the PO.


----------



## Posse

Bigtimemess, hats off to you.

You are doing an incredible job in dealing with the situation! Talk about taking care of business!!!!!!!

Your attitude is outstanding as well.

Your RO hit it out of the park.

Hang tough, brother. Keep it up.

That is all.


----------



## happyman64

bigtimemess said:


> Just got the "Did you try to have me served text?" and now the phone calls begin.......
> 
> 
> 
> You guys have helped me more than you know emotionally as well as helped me keep my family together the best I can


BTM,

You are doing great and stay strong for your kids.

And if you stay dark the better off you will be.

And if she asks again if you tried to have her served just text back "Try No, Did Yes!" .

Nothing more needs to be said.

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## OldWolf57

No do not answer at all. It nullify the ro !!!


----------



## iheartlife

Please do not correspond with her at all. That RO is like gold to your kids right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

does the RO prevent her from texting you?


----------



## akashNil

bigtimemess said:


> Major Update-
> 
> Wife and OM along with his 2 friends decided to show up at my house while I had the kids. I don't know why as I asked my wife to bring back my car so that I could take the kids out. I blew up the entire fantasy world that they were living. So much to the point that OM brother called me as he was worried about the relationship his brother is getting into. Long story short OM tried to force his way into my house and was yelling etc in front of my kids.
> 
> Anyways like the calm cool collective person I have now become I didn't react. Instead I called the police and filed a report. This morning I went to the Courthouse and got a Order of Protection against both my wife and the OM for me and the kids. The judge was actually extremely helpful and actually gave me everything I was looking to achieve. While there another Single father was there and I was able to get in contact with a great lawyer.
> 
> On another front I told my entire family and now I have even more support and I feel a ton better than keeping it from some of them.
> 
> 
> I will continue to keep you guys posted.


bigtimemess - You are awesome! 

In the current situation, it was YOU who should have been angry, lost control and behaved like a mad man, and the OM should have enjoyed your sorrow and your wife.

But you have turned the tables onto him! he is mad with jealousy! Its as if she was his wife and you are the OM!!! 

You are calm like a saint - no - like a hero! 

You ARE a hero!!! keep it up brother.


----------



## turnera

bigtimemess said:


> Just got the "Did you try to have me served text?"


:rofl:

I tried...and I SUCCEEDED!


----------



## turnera

bigtimemess said:


> Only thing that will sting is watching the house that I worked for my family be sold or walked away from. The kids never liked it anyways and the neighborhoods suck out here.


Then leaving is a good thing! We moved to 2 different neighborhoods, to give DD21 a great place to make friends, and BOTH of them turned out to be duds. Finding a good neighborhood for the kids (and being closer to grandparents) is SO important! 

It's just a house.


----------



## crossbar

DUDE!!!!

From your first post here ever till now, I seen you throw some steroidal miracle grow on that spine of yours!!!! You've stood up to the plate and put yourself and your kids first!! GOOD ON YOU!!!


Feels good to have some kind of control again, huh?


----------



## bigtimemess

Crossbar- You are correct my first post I was in a fog as well and didn't know how to proceed etc.

With your guys advice the support of my family and me getting my balls back has worked wonders.

It didn't hurt that since I have not been wearing my wedding that I have been receiving some extra attention where ever I am.

I have found a place for the kids and I to stay that is closer to my work, closer to the grandparents, and great grandparents. It is also about 40 minutes away from the hell hole situation that we were in.

I will actually be saving a bunch of money making this move as well while providing a better quality of life for the kids/myself.

UPDATE:

Wife an OM were served. I have not received any correspondence from her since then. The RO prohibits texts phone calls emails everything from either of them to me or my children. It also protects the house so neither can go in there.

Wife has been texting/calling a person in common nonstop to try and resolve it. She is begging etc but I ain't taking those crocodile tears and false statements. She is mentally ill and she needs in house treatment. She has lied to EVERYONE friends/family everyone. She has 0 money now so she is freaking out calling all our mutual friends asking for money giving them some bull**** petty story that none of them are believing.


She went to the courthouse to contest the RO, however I have retained legal counsel and it is very unlikely that it will get overturned.

I think she has finally hit rockbottom :smthumbup: and now she can sleep in the bed she made.

I obviously still want her to get help for herself so that I do not have to tell my children why they can't see their mom etc. I am a heartless son of a ***** right now but I am a firm believer that children need both their parents whether together or apart, but they need to be mentally stable and not around pyschos.

BTM Over and Out


----------



## turnera

Nice...


----------



## happyman64

BTM,

Stay firm with the No Contact. 

No one wants their kids not to see or spend time with their mother.

As long as their mother is caring, loving, stable and attentive to their needs.

When your wife pulls her head out of her A*S then maybe she can start being a good mom.

*BTM = Best Thinking Man*

HM64


----------



## iheartlife

If only all betrayed spouses acted so decisively. Well done. Stay strong.


----------



## bigtimemess

Met with the lawyer once again today and we walked through a good amount of things. In the current state of what is going on I am probably going to get sole custody to begin with and then it will only move to 50/50 once she has gone through some self help stuff.

Also since it was not a very long marriage she will be entitled to very little alimony for a short period of time.


She texted me trying to get every response out of me today even calling multiple times. I did not fall for it even though she was basically begging for forgiveness. Through a mutual friend i relayed a message that the only way I will remove the RO etc is if she checks herself into a help center. She was pouring her heart out etc, however I did not believe her as I know very well now IF HER FINGERS ARE TEXTING or MOUTH MOVING she is LYING.

Little did she know that I happen to be at the house cleaning things up and had a friend go into the coffee shop where he saw her sitting there with the OM and his family acting as if nothing was wrong.



Can't play BTM like a chump anymore with the fake remorse etc. She getting more and more desperate.

My attorney did advise me to give her the crap car so she cant claim i left her with no means to get a job etc. I have still not given her a dime and I drained all the accounts. 

I am sleeping more and more each night as well as getting more and more comfortable with the decisions I have made and am about to make.

BTM over and out!


----------



## keko

Exactly, she's keeping both doors open incase you or OM give up on her.

Give the sh!tty car back but make sure there is no gas in the tank and you're off its insurance.


----------



## jh52

"Little did she know that I happen to be at the house cleaning things up and had a friend go into the coffee shop where he saw her sitting there with the OM and his family acting as if nothing was wrong."

Absolutely brilliant !!:smthumbup:


----------



## Rawrdonstein

Bravo! BTM. Now change your name to Bigtimer because your a Boss now.


----------



## br1an

GetTough said:


> Reverse phone lookup. Peoplesmart.com etc.
> 
> The downside to exposing the OM is (this kind of ruminating) keeps your focus on HER and HIM, when ideally your focus should be on YOURSELF without HER. However on balance it IS often better to expose the OM but SET and FORGET if you can. Move on.


BEWARE the reverse phone lookups that claim to work for cell/mobile phones - they plain and simple do NOT work. Only people on that account, with that carrier - can find out who has a cell number. They change frequently - so it CANNOT be done. 

Unless you KNOW someone high-up in the customer service section of your cell provider... give it up. 

You might get lucky, and find a posting of the cell number online, and be able to track it or tie it to someone that way - that's what happened with the OM in my case.


----------



## iheartlife

bigtimemess said:


> Little did she know that I happen to be at the house cleaning things up and had a friend go into the coffee shop where he saw her sitting there with the OM and his family acting as if nothing was wrong.


Perhaps it takes no fewer than 4 people to compose convincing texts?


----------



## bigtimemess

Thats what I was thinking. It is almost like she joined one of those weird cults.


----------



## br1an

Interesting.. helps to have friends like that. I've got a friend at work, lady who has been through cheating/divorce of her own - and has offered to be my spy should the need arise.


----------



## iheartlife

bigtimemess said:


> Thats what I was thinking. It is almost like she joined one of those weird cults.


Or maybe mom and dad are just desperate to get OM out of their basement, and your house seemed a likely prospect


----------



## jh52

br1an said:


> Interesting.. helps to have friends like that. I've got a friend at work, lady who has been through cheating/divorce of her own - and has offered to be my spy should the need arise.


Always good to have friends that you can count on -- especially when you personally may be at your lowest !!


----------



## Battle_Cats

bigtimemess said:


> She texted me trying to get every response out of me today even calling multiple times. I did not fall for it even though she was basically begging for forgiveness. *Through a mutual friend i relayed a message* that the only way I will remove the RO etc is if she checks herself into a help center.


Long time lurker but I felt compelled to register just to point this out since no one seemed to catch it. I don't know what state you're in but in mine, relaying is a violation of the RO. You have played a tight strategy so far but this is a screw up. DO NOT CONTACT!

Also, sometimes ROs can't be removed before they expire out. Pretty much in domestic cases the state takes the decision out of both people's hands.

BTW - You appear to be handling yourself quite well. I doubt I could do as good a job as you in such a situation. Hang in there and good luck!


----------



## costa200

Just finished reading this thread. Pretty cool to see the OP growing with the time. He started out like a disoriented scared cat and now he raws like a lion... Well done dude.


----------



## happyman64

BTM
Keep strong because she is so wrong.

And listen to your attorney.

Take care of the mess, get out of the house. You are mucb better off with rhe help of your family.

You handled yourself well. It is all about you and your kids now.

Hm64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

MAN !!!!!! 

thats all i've got


----------



## loveisforever

At the end, your wife will get what she deserves.


----------



## bigtimemess

Update:

Wife decided to text and call me repeatedly saying she wanted help to work on the marriage which I didn't respond. She said she would go to in house couseling. I decided to call her bluff and sent my mother down there to pick her up at the coffee shop.

My mother is not a woman to mess with, but she is also a fair person. She walked into the shop and asked if she was ready to go. The whole other family got involved in the discussion so my mother decided to let them have it. She dropped the biggest bomb on them showed them all the texts etc etc. Needless to say my soon to be ex did not leave with my mother.

Seeing as though she wanted to be even more terrible than she already is I went to the police and showed them the proof of her breaking the PO.

Anyways I cleaned out the house and found bank folders of where the wife had her own accounts. I decided to call and see the balances and found out she rented a room at a local hotel last night. 

I believe the OM family finally go the whole truth and did not like it

Now I have to trace how much money she has been storing and for how long.

I am in full attack mode no more feeling bad or what ifs time to take the ***** down.


----------



## keko

bigtimemess said:


> Seeing as though she wanted to be even more terrible than she already is I went to the police and showed them the proof of her breaking the PO.


:smthumbup:


But you need to distance yourself and your family away from her.


----------



## happyman64

BTM

You have a big mess n your hands but you are doing a great job cleaning it up.

Your wife is well on her way to hitting rock bottom. Keep assisting her on her way. 

She needs to hit rock bottom in order to wake up and stop lying to everyone.

I know you do not want her in your life but hopefully she can act like a parent some time in the future.

Stick to your principles and your goals.

Youvare doing great....

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

No she has to gaslights OM/family like crazy: "I had to try for my kids", it was my duty to try to previde my kids an intact family" "I would forgive myself if I didn't give that last chance".... bla bla bla.
Sure enough OM doesn't buy. At All.

Hang though, man. You are doing just like a rock star!


----------



## lordmayhem

bigtimemess said:


> Seeing as though she wanted to be even more terrible than she already is I went to the police and showed them the proof of her breaking the PO.


Then a warrant for her arrest should be issued shortly.


----------



## warlock07

bigtimemess said:


> Update:
> 
> Wife decided to text and call me repeatedly saying she wanted help to work on the marriage which I didn't respond. She said she would go to in house couseling. I decided to call her bluff and sent my mother down there to pick her up at the coffee shop.
> 
> My mother is not a woman to mess with, but she is also a fair person. She walked into the shop and asked if she was ready to go. The whole other family got involved in the discussion so my mother decided to let them have it. She dropped the biggest bomb on them showed them all the texts etc etc. Needless to say my soon to be ex did not leave with my mother.
> 
> Seeing as though she wanted to be even more terrible than she already is I went to the police and showed them the proof of her breaking the PO.
> 
> Anyways I cleaned out the house and found bank folders of where the wife had her own accounts. I decided to call and see the balances and found out she rented a room at a local hotel last night.
> 
> I believe the OM family finally go the whole truth and did not like it
> 
> Now I have to trace how much money she has been storing and for how long.
> 
> I am in full attack mode no more feeling bad or what ifs time to take the ***** down.


Who is this stranger?


----------



## bigtimemess

warlock07 said:


> Who is this stranger?


Its big time mess getting rid of the stress!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Its big time mess getting rid of the stress!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bigtime you have become my new hero. I don't drink, but I would gladly take you out and buy you a beer. My hat's off to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

bandit.45 said:


> Bigtime you have become my new hero. I don't drink, but I would gladly take you out and buy you a beer. My hat's off to you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


**** ain't easy but nothing rarely is. I live in the Southwest and would love to share a drink!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> **** ain't easy but nothing rarely is. I live in the Southwest and would love to share a drink!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm out of Tucson. Where are you at?


----------



## bigtimemess

bandit.45 said:


> I'm out of Tucson. Where are you at?


Phoenix. Definitely have to go grab a couple.
Small ass world.

Kuulis
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Buildingblocks

bigtimemess said:


> Its big time mess getting rid of the stress!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Every BS should learn from you and not be a Beta.

You have set a great example my friend. I raise you a :toast:


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Phoenix. Definitely have to go grab a couple.
> Small ass world.
> 
> Kuulis
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What part of town?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonim

happyman64 said:


> BTM,
> 
> You are doing great and stay strong for your kids.
> 
> And if you stay dark the better off you will be.
> 
> And if she asks again if you tried to have her served just text back "Try No, Did Yes!" .
> 
> Nothing more needs to be said.
> 
> Good Luck
> 
> HM64


ignore this. do not reply to any correspondence from your WW in any from.


----------



## bandit.45

anonim said:


> ignore this. do not reply to any correspondence from your WW in any from.


I agree. He needs to go dark. Stealth mode. Black and silent as death.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. He needs to go dark. Stealth mode. Black and silent as death.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Haven't talked to her in a week. She must be going crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

*You mean crazier......*

She has already gone crazy weeks ago!!!


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Haven't talked to her in a week. She must be going crazy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Has she continued to light up your phone or is she abiding by the RO?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

bigtimer, I don't think it should matter one way or another but I hope you're having a good laugh imagining her plight


----------



## bigtimemess

She lit up my phone and I reported it printing the texts out as well. 
Today is a court hearing on the validity of the RO and it should be interesting. I will post results once it is done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

What's she saying exactly


----------



## happyman64

bigtimemess said:


> She lit up my phone and I reported it printing the texts out as well.
> Today is a court hearing on the validity of the RO and it should be interesting. I will post results once it is done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good Luck at the hearing BTM!!!


----------



## morituri

I wonder if she misses those days when she was simply a "fat housewife" and SAHM. I guess the "hotwife" lifestyle isn't what it's cracked up to be. Sucks to be her.


----------



## lordmayhem

morituri said:


> I wonder if she misses those days when she was simply a "fat housewife" and SAHM. I guess the "hotwife" lifestyle isn't what it's cracked up to be. Sucks to be her.


:iagree:

And now there's going to be a warrant for her arrest that a judge will sign today. Not at all how she envisioned her life would be. From reading the thread, she expected to be able to move OM in, effectively just swapping out bigtimemess. Then they could live happily ever after.


----------



## bandit.45

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And now there's going to be a warrant for her arrest that a judge will sign today. Not at all how she envisioned her life would be. From reading the thread, she expected to be able to move OM in, effectively just swapping out bigtimemess. Then they could live happily ever after.


If all goes right she will be wearing pink overalls and staying at Sherrif Joe's tent jail tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife

lordmayhem said:


> From reading the thread, she expected to be able to move OM in, effectively just swapping out bigtimemess. Then they could live happily ever after.


That was the plan. The OM's parent's basement does get a teensy bit cramped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

Gang,

I try to be positive but the way judges see things these days BTM's wife might be moving the OM into the house today.

Hopefully this judge will see she is acting crazy and will give BTM custody for now.

Let's keep our fingers crossed.

HM64


----------



## bandit.45

happyman64 said:


> Gang,
> 
> I try to be positive but the way judges see things these days BTM's wife might be moving the OM into the house today.
> 
> Hopefully this judge will see she is acting crazy and will give BTM custody for now.
> 
> Let's keep our fingers crossed.
> 
> HM64


Phoenix magistrates usually take a dim view of people disobeying their orders. I think she'll at least do an overnighter.


----------



## calif_hope

A woman, a mom, and only phone calls - sadly, most likely will be given the "you been a bad girl speech" and nothing more! I think a Road Crew membership in the orange jumpsuit would be nice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

Court today was interesting to say the least. Both my soon to be ex wife decided to get herself caught up in her own lies. Needless to say my lawyer tore her up. I took the stand and told my story while OM made loud noise etc making himself look like an ass. The lawyer was there representing just my wife and not him.

Funny thing is he tried to have a RO on today. My lawyer and the judge both laughed at him and said no. They also upheld the RO against him including my children and residence. So even if she ends up with him my children will not have to be around him for at least a year or until I quash it (which will be never).

Back to the ex-wife. She had conflicting statements etc and the fact that she brought OM to my residence in front of the children ultimately led to her demise. Anyways court upheld the RO against her for the kids, however I allowed her to go back to the residence (I am letting it go) that has no cable/electricity/water. I have already cleared out everything. Only stuff left is the Master Bedroom in which she betrayed me in. I made sure to leave all the marriage stuff and momentos on the bed. She can only contact me to ask about the kids and is not allowed to see them until the case moves forward and she is evaluated.

Damn it feels better and better each day. Off to take my 3 kids to see fireworks!!!!!

I will keep you guys posted.


----------



## keko

You did good leaving the bedroom as is with the momentos. 

When is the next court hearing? Is she actually worried about the kids, what they're doing, how they are, etc. or just her own a$$?


----------



## Acabado

> I made sure to leave all the marriage stuff and momentos on the bed


Man, that was brilliant. I can picture her looking at the empty house and all she trashed in just a few months over THAT bed. I almost feel pity.


----------



## bigtimemess

keko said:


> You did good leaving the bedroom as is with the momentos.
> 
> When is the next court hearing? Is she actually worried about the kids, what they're doing, how they are, etc. or just her own a$$?


The next court hearing hasn't been set. She isn't "worried" about the kids as she knows I take good care of them. She is worried that she will not get child support as I want custody. 

The kids haven't asked about her in the past 10 days should be a sign of how much she cared about them.


----------



## the guy

Wow, it sound like the next lady in your life, the kids will take a liking to. Since the last one (their own mom) wasn't that impresionable.


----------



## happyman64

BTM,

Way to go. I am glad with the stand you took today.

I am also happy your lawyer and the judge were on their game in your behalf.

Nice touch with the mementos left on the bed.

I think you have taught many of us BS's a lesson today.

I hope your fireworks were as nice as mine tonight.

Happy 4th!

HM64


----------



## MattMatt

bigtimemess said:


> Court today was interesting to say the least. Both my soon to be ex wife decided to get herself caught up in her own lies. Needless to say my lawyer tore her up. I took the stand and told my story while OM made loud noise etc making himself look like an ass. The lawyer was there representing just my wife and not him.
> 
> Funny thing is he tried to have a RO on today. My lawyer and the judge both laughed at him and said no. They also upheld the RO against him including my children and residence. So even if she ends up with him my children will not have to be around him for at least a year or until I quash it (which will be never).
> 
> Back to the ex-wife. She had conflicting statements etc and the fact that she brought OM to my residence in front of the children ultimately led to her demise. Anyways court upheld the RO against her for the kids, however I allowed her to go back to the residence (I am letting it go) that has no cable/electricity/water. I have already cleared out everything. Only stuff left is the Master Bedroom in which she betrayed me in. I made sure to leave all the marriage stuff and momentos on the bed. She can only contact me to ask about the kids and is not allowed to see them until the case moves forward and she is evaluated.
> 
> Damn it feels better and better each day. Off to take my 3 kids to see fireworks!!!!!
> 
> I will keep you guys posted.


Wow! You get to see two sets of fireworks in one day! Class!


----------



## the guy

I was thinking that after you clean up this mess and put it to bed your STBXW either is forced to get some help in order to see her kids or better yet goes on her own and understands how to get her self better and be a good mom.

BTW what ever became of the pregnecy?


----------



## morituri

bigtimemess said:


> The next court hearing hasn't been set. She isn't "worried" about the kids as she knows I take good care of them. She is worried that she will not get child support as I want custody.
> 
> The kids haven't asked about her in the past 10 days should be a sign of how much she cared about them.


So I take it you are the primary caregiver, nice. Be sure you document all your activities with the kids so that you can make a powerful case on your behalf for custody. It sure would be nice to hear a story of a man getting custody of his kids and child support payments from his cheater ex-wife for a change.


----------



## bigtimemess

the guy said:


> I was thinking that after you clean up this mess and put it to bed your STBXW either is forced to get some help in order to see her kids or better yet goes on her own and understands how to get her self better and be a good mom.
> 
> BTW what ever became of the pregnecy?


Honestly I don't know if she was or is pregnant, but it is none of my concern. I have already informed the lawyer of this statement and if she is pregnant then we will be prepared to handle it, however it will suck for her with no healthcare once the divorce goes through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> I have already informed the lawyer of this statement and if she is pregnant then we will be prepared to handle it


Glad to hear it. You don't want to be signed as the parent.
I once heard about a similar story, BH left her pregnant (by OM) WW and filed, diverce was dragged out. OM suddenly died in a car accident. WW caouldn't work. The judge forced XBH to provide for the child anyway. The rule of "the best interest of the child" applies always, so "some" part has to be responsible for the OC well being. No matter what DNA test may tell.


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Honestly I don't know if she was or is pregnant, but it is none of my concern. I have already informed the lawyer of this statement and if she is pregnant then we will be prepared to handle it, however it will suck for her with no healthcare once the divorce goes through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remember if she is pregnant under Arizona law you are the presumptive father as long as you are married to that woman. I'm sure your lawyer has a plan.


----------



## bigtimemess

He indeed has a plan. 

Update:
Soon to be Exwife can't contact me so she is having other people contact me to try and relay messages. 

My standard response " Tell her to go help herself"

Found out that OM is on a damn joint bank account with her at my mailing address. Can't wait to claim that every cent out of this account was spent on marital waste and then they owe me a nice chunk of change that can't be paid in laundry and coffee beans.:lol:..........it just gets better and better.


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Found out that OM is on a damn joint bank account with her at my mailing address. Can't wait to claim that every cent out of this account was spent on marital waste and then they owe me a nice chunk of change that can't be paid in laundry and coffee beans.:lol:..........it just gets better and better.


Ohhhhhhh what idiots!! Seems like they can't make a move without giving your lawyer more ammo to paste their butts on the wall with! That is awesome!


----------



## costa200

> Found out that OM is on a damn joint bank account with her at my mailing address.


:rofl:

Not the sharpest tools in the box are they?


----------



## bigtimemess

bandit.45 said:


> Ohhhhhhh what idiots!! Seems like they can't make a move without giving your lawyer more ammo to paste their butts on the wall with! That is awesome!


Tell me about it I don't understand how they could be so dumb. I also found a drawing of what OM wanted my backyard to look like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Tell me about it I don't understand how they could be so dumb. I also found a drawing of what OM wanted my backyard to look like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


F*cking outrageous. Mail it to his parents with a letter asking them if they are proud of a son who would move into a home that another man bought and purchased with money he made with his own sweat.


----------



## happyman64

bandit.45 said:


> F*cking outrageous. Mail it to his parents with a letter asking them if they are proud of a son who would move into a home that another man bought and purchased with money he made with his own sweat.


*Actually I would send that in a email to his parents asking them if their son is mentally challenged or just that fuc*ing stupid????*


And BTM, please do not ever R with this woman. She is as stupid as he is. They really deserve each other.

Maybe after your wife gets examined you can show the judge all the things your STBXW has done. He might give you sole custody based on all the dumb things she has done so far.

HM64


----------



## iheartlife

bigtimemess said:


> Tell me about it I don't understand how they could be so dumb. I also found a drawing of what OM wanted my backyard to look like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy sh*t! I know we made plenty of basement jokes, but that isn't even funny now. What a pig he is.

I wish I could say replacing the dad move is unusual for cheating wives, but we've seen it before. You are doing great, keep several steps ahead, you are making the best of a bad situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

bigtimemess said:


> Tell me about it I don't understand how they could be so dumb. I also found a drawing of what OM wanted my backyard to look like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's just priceless... Holy cow... They were planning on totally take over your stuff weren't they?


----------



## Chaparral

bigtimemess said:


> Tell me about it I don't understand how they could be so dumb. I also found a drawing of what OM wanted my backyard to look like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bless his heart. He thought he was getting out of momas basement.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## morituri

Is this your STBXW?


----------



## Chaparral

bandit.45 said:


> F*cking outrageous. Mail it to his parents with a letter asking them if they are proud of a son who would move into a home that another man bought and purchased with money he made with his own sweat.


Send a copy, save the original for the judge.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## turnera

bigtimemess said:


> I also found a drawing of what OM wanted my backyard to look like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ooh, them's fightin' words! Grrr...


----------



## bigtimemess

morituri said:


> Is this your STBXW?



Yes I filed and I am not looking back. I am moving forward and taking the children with me. She had her chance 2 weeks ago to end all the lies etc and to work on it if she was sincere.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me twice shame on me
Fool me a third time....Wait there won't be a third time or a Second.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Keep talking to us and let us know how things transpire. I can't wait to see how your WW goes off the rails. 

Pretty soon the OM is going to get fed up with all this. He's a loser, and losers run away from problems. I have a suspicion he will soon be dumping your WW like a hot potato and move on to some other stupid woman. 

I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the process of doing that now, hence her trying to get in touch with you through third parties. I think she is in full panic mode now.


----------



## happyman64

Funny but for some reason I do not think she is out of the fog or smart enough to even realize when she should start treading water.

I think she is going to drown and their isnt a big enough life preserver that BTM could throw her right now.

Good thing you have the kids and you are movin on BTM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar

bandit.45 said:


> Keep talking to us and let us know how things transpire. I can't wait to see how your WW goes off the rails.
> 
> Pretty soon the OM is going to get fed up with all this. He's a loser, and losers run away from problems. I have a suspicion he will soon be dumping your WW like a hot potato and move on to some other stupid woman.
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the process of doing that now, hence her trying to get in touch with you through third parties. I think she is in full panic mode now.



Hey Bandit!! You're out of TAM jail? Welcome back!


----------



## jh52

Looks like we have found dumb and dumber !!


----------



## Acabado

The more WW live with OM at his parent's basement the chances it will blow increase.
I'd prefer any other new BF in my WW's life rather the original POSOM.


----------



## aug

bandit.45 said:


> Pretty soon the OM is going to get fed up with all this. He's a loser, and losers run away from problems. *I have a suspicion he will soon be dumping your WW like a hot potato and move on to some other stupid woman.*



The OM may not because she's pregnant with his baby.


----------



## bigtimemess

aug said:


> The OM may not because she's pregnant with his baby.


That may be the only thing keeping them together. Like I said though not my concern. She spoke with her lawyer and he sent a message to my lawyer about R. I told my lawyer that dhe had her chance before I found out about the whole deal. Now she can enjoy her new life. Funny part is that the OM is of a particular religion in which women are treated as princesse when pregnant and then once the child is born they are garbage. It will be interesting how it plays out as they will have to continue to live in OM house with his family. There is no house for them to go to anymore and they can't afford a place of their own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DailyGrind

bigtimemess said:


> That may be the only thing keeping them together. Like I said though not my concern. She spoke with her lawyer and he sent a message to my lawyer about R. I told my lawyer that dhe had her chance before I found out about the whole deal. Now she can enjoy her new life. Funny part is that the OM is of a particular religion in which women are treated as princesse when pregnant and then once the child is born they are garbage. It will be interesting how it plays out as they will have to continue to live in OM house with his family. There is no house for them to go to anymore and they can't afford a place of their own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Muslim? Hindu?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bigtimemess

DailyGrind said:


> Muslim? Hindu?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Muslim
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DailyGrind

bigtimemess said:


> Muslim
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy crap. I don't remember your entire post...but you have 3 kids under 8, right? Make absolute SURE she can't take them out of country. I've heard of cases where the children are taken back to
a Muslim country.....big issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> Muslim
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh man is this woman stupid or what?

Is your wife muslim or had any leanings towards that religion?


----------



## morituri

The OM's religion is inconsequential since that is of no concern to the OP. If the OM religious views impact his behavior to the OP's STBXW in a negative way, that is HER PROBLEM not the OPs. Besides, the OP is in the enviable position that many BH would like to be in, sole custody of his kids.


----------



## turnera

Well, having a cousin who married a Muslim man, had kids, and then LOST those kids when he took them to his home country and she never saw them again...I beg to differ. I hope his sole custody is really tight.


----------



## bandit.45

I think this is a very scary situation for the OP. If the STBXW is serious about hooking up with the OM, what's to keep them from absconding with the kids to a country that will not return them?


----------



## bigtimemess

bandit.45 said:


> I think this is a very scary situation for the OP. If the STBXW is serious about hooking up with the OM, what's to keep them from absconding with the kids to a country that will not return them?


His religion is of concern especiallly with my children involved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Since the OM didn't father the other kids, I don't see why he would be interested in taking them away.


----------



## Complexity

Well I don't suspect he's very "religious" considering he's having an affair with a married woman but nonetheless, isn't there something in the states where you can't take a child out of the country without permission of both parents?


----------



## bandit.45

It pays to be cautious. The WW and OM have not shown much intelligence so far. I wouldn't put kidnapping past them.


----------



## anonim

DailyGrind said:


> Muslim? Hindu?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


christian?

why is the religion of the OM (Muslim) of any significance? as opposed to the OM of being so deficient of character that he would steal another mans children out of their homeland and family, never to be seen again. The two are not synonymous.


----------



## warlock07

bigtimemess said:


> Muslim
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did the OM move into the country or did he grow up here? Same question about the family


----------



## warlock07

anonim said:


> christian?
> 
> why is the religion of the OM (Muslim) of any significance? as opposed to the OM of being so deficient of character that he would steal another mans children out of their homeland and family, never to be seen again. The two are not synonymous.


Read the post before the one you quoted..


----------



## morituri

Seek a court order preventing your wife from obtaining passports for your children as well as traveling outside the country.


----------



## turnera

anonim said:


> christian?
> 
> why is the religion of the OM (Muslim) of any significance? as opposed to the OM of being so deficient of character that he would steal another mans children out of their homeland and family, never to be seen again. The two are not synonymous.


Because the country of origin in which Muslim is the predominant religion is more likely to be male-dominated with women being accorded little to no rights.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102555/
Happened to my cousin.


----------



## TDSC60

Just a suggestion. If you have not done so already.

Fill out a change of address form at the local Post Office. Get a PO Box or use your parents address. That way ALL the mail addressed to your old house will be forwarded to you. No matter whose name is on it.

Edit: This is perfectly legal. Just in case anyone had any questions about that.


----------



## DailyGrind

morituri said:


> The OM's religion is inconsequential since that is of no concern to the OP. If the OM religious views impact his behavior to the OP's STBXW in a negative way, that is HER PROBLEM not the OPs. Besides, the OP is in the enviable position that many BH would like to be in, sole custody of his kids.


Sorry..I disagree. I think this has a HUGE influence on what he is dealing with...which is why I recommended he lock down his kids. If his WW feels she is cornered...and the OM provides an out....TO A MUSLIM COUNTRY.....he will have a devil of a time just trying to see them. Custody is no way guaranteed, at this point. He must take this information to heart, and plan accordingly.


----------



## bigtimemess

DailyGrind said:


> Sorry..I disagree. I think this has a HUGE influence on what he is dealing with...which is why I recommended he lock down his kids. If his WW feels she is cornered...and the OM provides an out....TO A MUSLIM COUNTRY.....he will have a devil of a time just trying to see them. Custody is no way guaranteed, at this point. He must take this information to heart, and plan accordingly.


I have all vital documents and even her passport. I am not letting my children out of my sight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## loveisforever

bigtimemess said:


> Yes I filed and I am not looking back. I am moving forward and taking the children with me. She had her chance 2 weeks ago to end all the lies etc and to work on it if she was sincere.
> 
> Fool me once shame on you
> Fool me twice shame on me
> Fool me a third time....Wait there won't be a third time or a Second.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good move.


----------



## bigtimemess

She wants the house. I told my lawyer it is all hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

As long as you don't pay her to live in it.


----------



## morituri

The same can be said about parents who are foreign nationals like Japanese citizens (as is the case with dabs Japanese wife who cheated on him with his late father) who marry American citizens. Anybody who marries any foreign national and has kids with him/her, is taking a big risk of having that parent abduct them to his/her country of origin.


----------



## Complexity

morituri said:


> The same can be said about parents who are foreign nationals like Japanese citizens (as is the case with dabs Japanese wife who cheated on him with his late father) who marry American citizens. Anybody who marries any foreign national and has kids with him/her, is taking a big risk of having that parent abduct them to his/her country of origin.


Well said, 

all this scaremongering isn't helpful and it's becoming rather inflammatory to be honest.


----------



## bigtimemess

Not trying to start a riot just giving you guys the details of what I am dealing with It is a valid concern for me and a possible problem I will have to deal with.

Anyways she relayed to me that she wants me to pay the mortgage until she can figure things out. I actually laughed to myself. I am done footing the bills and plus I can't pay for her love shack and my new place with the kids. She can go live with OM family.


----------



## happyman64

BTM

Keep moviing forward to distance yourself from her mess.

It was a good move being close to your family.

HM64


----------



## Beelzebub

Bigtime

I'm from muslim country, and travelled to different once also, in that case dont even worry. if your wife and the OM try to take your kids to these countries their LAWS that kids always should be with father and mother in the same city, mostly father. therefore, if just happened they take them there you have any easier case than a case in the USA, and it will take only few hours for the police to bring them back to you. 
and since they commited cheating, if they flew to Saudia arabia or Sudan you have a very good case to put them both to stonining lol. 
believe if I say you have an easy case if they move to muslim country because the rules are fair for both father and mother even if the father was none muslim or from different country.


----------



## turnera

Beelzebub, thanks for clearing that up. I guess things were different 30 years ago when my cousin tried everything under the sun to get her children back from her husband's country and was not successful.


----------



## DailyGrind

turnera said:


> Beelzebub, thanks for clearing that up. I guess things were different 30 years ago when my cousin tried everything under the sun to get her children back from her husband's country and was not successful.


Sounds like the difference is the children are not OM's....so he would not be protected in his parent country.


----------



## Beelzebub

he cant take them back there even if he marry her. they can go for a visit but can not obtain like a green card or papers to enter schools or medical programs because he is not the father, even if he does adoption paper works. 
Turnera, you Female cousin has no chance, system there believe the kids should live on the city as both parents. 
and the system is with father since kids carry his last name and he is the one who take care of the family. 
but a woman of that country can also file for a custory and child support and get rewarded easy as long as the kids in the same area or city as the father and he has the right to see them and pick them up any time he want to. 
a cheater either a male or female in a muslim country is a crime, less islamic countries rules such as jordan, lebanon, egypt, if either husband or wife cheat there is a prison time a minume 1 year with loss of any custody. 
a strict muslim countries, a married cheater could be senteced to death. 
lets say a wife cheated with a none married man, the wife get stoned and none married man get 80 latches and prison time. and believe me latches not so many survive. same thing for a married husband. 
thats why in muslim countries we have very few cases of cheating, the point of this punishment is or prevent cheating and destroying a family and keep kids safe. 
the woman, or the man has the right to ask for divorce, the judge will give them 90 days to live together to sort things out after that if it didnt work then divorce is granted. 

Cheating does not just effect one person, but the spouse, the kids and the community.


----------



## turnera

Huh. I kinda like that system.


----------



## MattMatt

turnera said:


> Beelzebub, thanks for clearing that up. I guess things were different 30 years ago when my cousin tried everything under the sun to get her children back from her husband's country and was not successful.


*It is still the same. The situation is still no better. *


----------



## bigtimemess

Update:

Was moving stuff out of house and soon to be exwife showed up wanting to talk. I gave her the opportunity and then told her I am moving on. She didn't know what to do or say it was priceless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Good for you. If she wants back in, she'll now have to PROVE herself, right? You have your power back.


----------



## MattMatt

turnera said:


> Good for you. If she wants back in, she'll now have to PROVE herself, right? You have your power back.


:iagree:


----------



## the guy

It looks like you got off easy. She may very well be willing to just let it go. So on the bright side you didn't have to face a sh!t storm or the crocidile tears.... 

Your going through alot of emotions, I hope the strongest one is "that huge wieght being lifted off your back".


----------



## aug

If she moves back, or they reconcile, bigtimemess becomes legally and financially responsible for the OM's child she's carrying.

Not a good option for bigtimemess, I would think.


----------



## turnera

Well, if he's smart, he'll have his lawyer draw up some airtight paperwork that absolves him before he takes her back.


----------



## happyman64

Let's not jump to conclusions. Her being pregnant with OM's kid and acting like a complete bi*ch these past few weeks could kill anyone's marriage.

I think BTM is more concerned with protecting their kids right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

So she showes up to talk. One can imagine she gave some minutes to think about the meeting, that she had at least some speech to deliver. Then no words when faced with the "moving on". At all? No begging? No promises? No explanations? Not speaking about what lies ahead with her... "situation"?
I mean, she had to know she had likely *one last chance* and this? I get she has put herself in an awfull situation. Nobody is ready for this, even is at your own hands, but come on! Didn't she think, by your late actions, you were to tell her you were done? No fight?
People is so screwed up in the head!


BTW, did't she break the court order?


----------



## aug

How would he handle the trigger of having the OM's child around all the time, a constant reminder of his wife infidelity?


----------



## turnera

I've seen it happen, if they both come to a profound gratitude for moving past the awful time and build a new, better life together. 

Not saying it will happen here, but it's possible.


----------



## bigtimemess

turnera said:


> I've seen it happen, if they both come to a profound gratitude for moving past the awful time and build a new, better life together.
> 
> Not saying it will happen here, but it's possible.


2 things she was admitted to the hospital and lost the supposed baby. I am not sure if there was one to begin with. As far as her response she did try the croc tears and the remorsefullness, but it wasn't true so I just kept telling her I am moving on. Quite honestly the only thing that concerns me is the children and how to take care of them. She did violate the court order technically as it was amended for her to go back to the house but not while I was present. I didn't feel like causing more of **** storm I was just trying to get my stuff out. Needless to say she has already agreed to giving me full custody as she will have no place to keep the children and I have a RO on other man against my kids. Like I said moving on. Just got in the new pad kids love it neighbors seem great and everything is looking better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Nice!


----------



## Acabado

I don't buy she ever was pregnant. I do believe it was her trying to force you accept then end of the marriage at that time she was foggie as hell, didn't have a grasp on how it was going to develope (they were just replacing you at your house, right?). They had no idea you could react with such strenght. I had to see the hospital papers to believe it.
Giving you the full custody, having no place to land but OM's parents... It's going to be really hard. Specially now there's no child (the fact they are muslims matters).
I saw it coming, the crash. I think she'll go to hospital very soon again.


----------



## bigtimemess

I owe a lot of the strength from the advice that you guys have given me and the love I have for my children. I am very grateful that I stumbled upon this site. Yes they were trying to replace me and thought I would just fade off. I will fight till the bitter end for myself and our children in order to provide a balanced stable life for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

They're lucky to have you for a dad.


----------



## turnera

Consider getting them counseling, too.


----------



## bigtimemess

turnera said:


> Consider getting them counseling, too.


Honestly the 2 little ones are under the age of 4 so they really don't know what is going on. The eldest one has an idea of what is going, however she is comfortable with the change. This speaks to the amount of parenting that she did or better yet did not do. If I see problems arise I will get her in but as of right now she seems to be ok. Time to go furniture shopping today!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife

bigtimemess said:


> Honestly the 2 little ones are under the age of 4 so they really don't know what is going on. The eldest one has an idea of what is going, however she is comfortable with the change. This speaks to the amount of parenting that she did or better yet did not do. If I see problems arise I will get her in but as of right now she seems to be ok. Time to go furniture shopping today!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Chilling for a 4 year old. They are lucky to have you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Is there a possibility that you will take her back or are you moving on completely?


----------



## morituri

bigtimemess said:


> The eldest one has an idea of what is going, however she is comfortable with the change. *This speaks to the amount of parenting that she did or better yet did not do.*


It does indeed. It looks like the SAHM "fat housewife" was emotionally neglecting the kids, especially the eldest one, to the point where they pretty much were on their own so to speak.


----------



## bandit.45

morituri said:


> It does indeed. It looks like the *SAHM "fat housewife"* was emotionally neglecting the kids, especially the eldest one, to the point where they pretty much were on their own so to speak.


You mean "trashy"?


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> You mean "trashy"?


Of course, I stand corrected.


----------



## bandit.45

morituri said:


> Of course, I stand corrected.


Always here to help. 

:rofl:


----------



## bigtimemess

warlock07 said:


> Is there a possibility that you will take her back or are you moving on completely?


I am moving forward if she wants to try and reconcile she has a very slim window and I don't think she would want to put in the work that would be needed (always takes easy way out and She has turned my family upside down and at this point in time if she was stranded on the side of the road I would leave her there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> I don't think she would want to put in the work that would be needed


You already told she shed crocodile tears. You know her better than anybody. Actions speak louder than words. Did you ever told her your boundaires, the law, the last two months?


----------



## bigtimemess

Acabado said:


> You already told she shed crocodile tears. You know her better than anybody. Actions speak louder than words. Did you ever told her your boundaires, the law, the last two months?


I told her what she needed to do if she even wanted to discuss possible reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NewM

After all those lies you are willing to reconcile?

She just wants to reconcile because you are getting better deal from divorce,if it wasn't the case OM would already be in your house with your kids spending your child support money.


----------



## bigtimemess

NewM said:


> After all those lies you are willing to reconcile?
> 
> She just wants to reconcile because you are getting better deal from divorce,if it wasn't the case OM would already be in your house with your kids spending your child support money.


NewM while I don't disagree I have laid out the groundwork if she wants to. I do not think she wants to, but it is on the table and I will be the ultimate judge of whether it is good for me and my children. As of right now no it isn't. I am not going to let her waltz back in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> You mean "trashy"?


In the UK she would be 'Jeremy Kyle' material.


----------



## bandit.45

Dump her and move on. There are far better women who would love to be mother to your kids. You can do so much better than this sorry excuse for a woman.


----------



## bigtimemess

I am not reconciling as of this point and quite honestly I don't feel like I want to. These are steps I laid out are simply if she wants to be involved with her children's lives.


----------



## Acabado

You keep moving on, If one day she snaps and really find genuine remorse you will know for sure. You might give dam by then, perfectly fine.


----------



## bigtimemess

No upfate just keep moving forward. I did go to look at new furniture for the new place. Ikea is insane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badbane

Glad to see you are starting to move on.


----------



## bandit.45

bigtimemess said:


> No upfate just keep moving forward. I did go to look at new furniture for the new place. Ikea is insane.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you go to the one in Chandler, off the I-10? That's a big ass store. You need a map to get through that thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Are you two from the same place???:scratchhead:


----------



## bandit.45

anonymouskitty said:


> Are you two from the same place???:scratchhead:


Arizona. He's from Phoenix, I'm in Tucson.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Arizona. He's from Phoenix, I'm in Tucson.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Those two towns sound so romantic, to me! (Hey, if they're not, I'm foreign and know nothing about these things!)


----------



## anonymouskitty

Could this be the beginning of a bromance on TAM??


----------



## bandit.45

I dont think Bigtimemess wants any romance in his life right now. 

I would imagine he's not thrilled with the female species at this moment in time.


----------



## bigtimemess

Haven't posted in a long time, but figure I give an update. We are in the cool down period of the divorce wait time. Not much else to report.


----------



## iheartlife

How's business at the coffee shop? Where are they living--still in his parent's basement?

oh, and what about that landscaping plan? that was a fav of mine, will never forget it.


----------



## aug

Yes, are they still together?


----------



## LostAndContent

I hope you and your children are doing well and your ex has reached a place where she can be a decent mother to them.


----------



## bigtimemess

Figure I give everyone an update as it has been almost a year.

Ex-Wife is no longer with the original man did a couple stints in the looney bin now lives off some friends and refuses to get a job trying to collect disability. She still asks everyday about us, but I am in a good place and do not need a woman to make me feel complete.


She has seen the kids a handful of times since last year......

I am now dating once again and doing the single dad thing. Life is good and I really can't complain.

My advice for anyone going through any type of situation is to hang in there as things get better. Don't be afraid to cut ties and move on. 

Also big thanks to everyone on TAM as the advice I was given early on served me well throughout my ordeal and gave me something to lean on when I couldn't talk to anyone else


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## keko

bigtimemess said:


> She has seen the kids a handful of times since last year......


:scratchhead:


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## happyman64

BTM

Glad you are doing better and keep loving those kids of yours.

I hope your Ex grows up someday and takes responsibility of her own life.

HM64


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## lordmayhem

Totally awesome. I'll subscribe to this thread and keep it as an example. :smthumbup:


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## Acabado

bigtimemess said:


> She has seen the kids a handful of times since last year......


I will never understand some people. I can't grasp it. From few childs, caring SAHM to this...


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## realist

morituri said:


> The same can be said about parents who are foreign nationals like Japanese citizens (as is the case with dabs Japanese wife who cheated on him with his late father) who marry American citizens. Anybody who marries any foreign national and has kids with him/her, is taking a big risk of having that parent abduct them to his/her country of origin.


Its crazy that most people assumed the OM is a foreigner as soon as OP said he is a Muslim..as if Islam is a country somewghere lol
There are millions of homegrown American Muslims with no foreign ties whats-over
Thread got ignorant really fast

and what OP said bout Muslim women being treated as princesses during pregancy and trash after giving both is downright offensive.

Not surprised though,this is America after all


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## just got it 55

bigtimemess said:


> I have thought about all this, but I don't want to just scare her in coming back to me. If she wants to be with another man just tell me and I will move on.[/QUOT


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## LongWalk

Sounds your ex has major mental health issues.


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