# Why are men obsessed with initiation?



## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

It seems like a lot of men get really hung up on the idea that their wives not initiating sex is a really bad thing. It's not.

Newsflash - most women just don't and most often won't initiate sex with their husbands. Regardless of their sex drive. She may initiate once or twice and year (some women are different, but generally..) and if she does: JUST GO WITH IT. OR SHE'LL NEVER, EVER INITIATE AGAIN. Kapeesh?

I know, I know... you men are just as scared of rejection as we are. But guess what? Often times you are the ones who think of sex more often than we do. So you know what that means? The ball is in your court. Deal with it! 

[Had to get that off my chest. I feel better now! LOL]


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

No, i think this is crap and we were brought up to never risk anything or have courage to face rejection. I think it's rather unfair to our men that we don't initiate more often and i can understand why some men turn to porn or hookers, because they get a woman who no matter how she looks, is comfortable with her body and making the man feel good as well. Ya know, making the man feel desired by initiating and then trying to take care of him instead of lieing on her back? 
I can't say this for sure but i reckon for some men it's exasperating to feel like they are the only ones who want and love sex in their relationship. If the wife doesn't initiate, it doesn't really ever feel like she wants it. 

Just my 2 cents.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Nekko said:


> No, i think this is crap and we were brought up to never risk anything or have courage to face rejection. I think it's rather unfair to our men that we don't initiate more often and i can understand why some men turn to porn or hookers, because they get a woman who no matter how she looks, is comfortable with her body and making the man feel good as well. Ya know, making the man feel desired by initiating and then trying to take care of him instead of lieing on her back?
> I can't say this for sure but i reckon for some men it's exasperating to feel like they are the only ones who want and love sex in their relationship. If the wife doesn't initiate, it doesn't really ever feel like she wants it.
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


150% correct!

I've tried explaining this to my wife....and I just don't understand why this is such a difficult concept for women. It's really no different than me ONLY saying that I love her is in response to her saying that she loves me first...ONLY showing her (non-sexual) affection when she shows it to me first...ONLY helping her around the house after she has helped me with something first....ONLY buying her a gift after she has first bought me one.

All due respect to mrsinpain, but the fact that you articulate this in a way that you do understand, but trivialize it, MIGHT indicate that your behavior is a bit downright mean ...and hence, could indirectly be a cause for your own pain. 

not saying, just saying


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

People obsess about things which don't happen often enough. I don't think anyone's ever comes on here and said "We only have sex 15 times a week!" When you're thirsty, you obsess about water. When you're on a diet, you obsess about chocolate cake. When Snowmaggedon comes, you think about Florida.

But when you get that drink of water, you stop obsessing about it and go back to normal. If I read them correctly, most guys here (and described by their wives) would be satisfied if she initiated sex even once a week. That would be enough to scratch that itch, and the rest of the time he would do it.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

well its good to know I am not the only one with this problem, sounds like I doesnt really matter what woman your married to its just a fact of life that woman are selfish selfish selfish....as much as they do for you, when it comes to love they are selfish, men are responsible for buying all the gifts, flowers, taking their woman out, initiating sex..and so on...and if you do it, she might do it back....I understand as a man we are supposed to be taking the lead role, but sometimes the man needs his wife to show him that she appreciates him as well..not just wait for him to do everything.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> well its good to know I am not the only one with this problem, sounds like I doesnt really matter what woman your married to its just a fact of life that woman are selfish selfish selfish.....


*NOT TRUE!!!!!! Well it may be most for, but NOT ALL!!!! I completely disagree with this. I am usually the one initiating sex. I would say that i initiate maybe 70% of the time because I know when i want it and when im in the mood. Its not that hubs doesnt initiate it, its sometimes when he wants it- i may not. I would like him to initiate maybe a little more, so it would be a 60/40 thing, but i find it to be a turn on the initiate sex and turn him on out of nowhere....

SO definitely not completely true taht all women dont initiate, I DO and I love to......:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:*


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i believe the OP likes the power and comfort that comes with being the pursued instead of being the pursue-ee. never having to be rejected must feel great, as a husband, i wouldnt know.

(no intent to generalize this as an issue with all women Sweetipie)


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

@ okiedokie, I know what you mean. I just felt the need to respond after reading married guys response refering to all married women as selfish.......


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I read a post on here where a wife had said that she does not initiate anymore because she was turned down 2 or 3 times. I think the disconnect on this subject is an understanding of the damage being rejected does to people, both male and female. I know that being turned down by my wife did a number on my self confidence. It's hard to be the only one to put effort into initiating sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think a perfect balance on this is 50/50 , regardless of society's feeling it is always supposed to be the man/husband. I feel bad for any spouse who has to deal with the other feeling this is completely un-necessary. I think that attitude can lead to much heartbreak. 

MrsInPain - What happened, has your husband been begging you to initiate then he turned you down 1 time and that is why you needed to get this off your chest? 

I feel like I initate more than my husband, but he says that is all in my head. I have been bummed feeling like he needs to do this more so, so it stands for women to feel the same way. I know for a fact my husband thrives on being presued. Some men are like this. Everyone needs to feel loved and persued, EVEN MEN. 

I really feel if you refuse to do this -EVER , you are asking him to resort to porn or possibly more attention to other women waiting in the wings at work who might have the kind of enthusiam he is wishing/hoping/praying his wife did.


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## Millania007 (Nov 16, 2009)

I think Simplyamorous has a great point 50/50 is wonderful. 
I am trying so hard to initiate more, its my hubbys dream for me to demand sex lol
he has ALWAYS initiated for 10 years
finally after 10 years he has put his foot down and said, thats it, I am throwing in the towel, U initiate sex, I am done
Yes I know that sounds harsh, but u bet ur butt I started initiating more! Now thankfully he STILL initiates most times
but it made me wake up! he wants to feel I desire him! why wouldnt he? for the past 2 weeks I have been demanding sex and he loves it, I think he LOVES that I am trying really hard to ask for it
and Simplyamorous is right I have never initiated and my husband got real into the porn thing
Now I am trying to be his freaky little sex crazed vixen to calm his porn use down
I hope women out there initiate more and make their husbands feel desired
I cant believe I used to just always wait for him to come to me
Not saying that your H will turn to porn if you dont initiate but now porn is a huge issue for me and I really think that if I would have initiated more during our relationship he wouldnt be into it as much as he is but thats a whole nother ball game


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> MrsInPain - What happened, has your husband been begging you to initiate then he turned you down 1 time and that is why you needed to get this off your chest?
> 
> I feel like I initate more than my husband, but he says that is all in my head. I have been bummed feeling like he needs to do this more so, so it stands for women to feel the same way. I know for a fact my husband thrives on being presued. Some men are like this. Everyone needs to feel loved and persued, EVEN MEN.
> 
> I really feel if you refuse to do this -EVER , you are asking him to resort to porn or possibly more attention to other women waiting in the wings at work who might have the kind of enthusiam he is wishing/hoping/praying his wife did.


I feel like what I meant to say didn't really come out in what I said. haha. 

Basically, I was venting because, my husband is always OBSESSED (as he keeps tabs on it, literally he told me "well, the last 4 times we've had sex I HAD TO initiate") who initiates more. I initiate, sometimes directly and other times indirectly, but he ends up initiating more often simply because it's on his mind more than me. 

So, what I was trying to say was: Husbands shouldn't get hung up on WHO initiates more often. They should just go with the flow and initiate when they feel like it, instead of making into a freakin' business contract where one partner "has to" start initiating more.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

SweetiepieMI said:


> *NOT TRUE!!!!!! Well it may be most for, but NOT ALL!!!! I completely disagree with this. I am usually the one initiating sex. I would say that i initiate maybe 70% of the time because I know when i want it and when im in the mood. Its not that hubs doesnt initiate it, its sometimes when he wants it- i may not. I would like him to initiate maybe a little more, so it would be a 60/40 thing, but i find it to be a turn on the initiate sex and turn him on out of nowhere....
> 
> SO definitely not completely true taht all women dont initiate, I DO and I love to......:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:*



Alright alright, haha, my bad...the way I said that wasnt right, not EVERY woman out there is like that, but in general you have to agree that is the case...most guys I know say the exact same thing, they're woman never wants sex as much as they do...its just the way we are made but I wish more woman would put more effort into initiating.....
it was funny what happened last friday with me and my wife..we watched some thing on the cosmo channel where they were trying to get shy insecure woman to initiate sex more often, one of the first things they had the women do was start talking dirty to they're men or sending dirty text messages to they're husbands while they were at work....my wife hasnt said anything dirty or naughty to me since (dont think she ever has had a dirty thought cross her mind), but I started talking more dirty, and straight to the point..it actually turns her on like crazy....never knew that, thought she would think I was a perv or something...

Anyways...for those woman on here who claim that they initiate most of the time...what is your husband doing to get you to initiate? Does he just not care for sex...or does he masterbait alot? Or not find you attractive?(hope thats not the case)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marriedguy said:


> Anyways...for those woman on here who claim that they initiate most of the time...what is your husband doing to get you to initiate? Does he just not care for sex...or does he masterbait alot? Or not find you attractive?(hope thats not the case)


 I initiate more cause I have a higher drive than my husband does NOW as we are getting older (NOT always this way-this is new to us). I am *more* flirty & *more* aggressive in expressing my needs. He loves sex, but beings his testosterone levels are on the Lower end of the normal spectrum, he is not as "naturally" horny as alot of other men. (he was tested last year). 

He does not say much, but he always lets me know I am still "Hot" so the attraction is still going strong -on both our ends.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think the important thing to understand is that most men experience love through sex. So to many men, the wife not initating feels on an emotional level the same way a wife might feel if her husband NEVER said "I love you" unless the wife said it first.

By the not initating ever, the husband often starts to feel that she is not really interested in him sexually, and this can build into a huge ****storm of feelings of rejection and pain. Then all it takes in another woman sliding up to him and asking, and it's like crack to bruised male egos. Wives that never initate sex are simply ignoring one of the most basic needs of their husband, and foolish for doing so.

However having said that, my advice to husbands is to simply not wait for women to initate - so some extent women are simply the more receptive sex and are hardwired to more or less wait for male approaches and either accept or reject them. Also most men are not very clued into most womens signs of sexual interest in them, and miss them completely. Often wives can be giving signals of "I'd like sex now", but the husband just misses them completely.

One obvious one is simply the wife saying "I think I'll go to bed now" and establishing eye contact with her husband. Of course if he isn't paying attention to anything other than the TV or XBOX360... well he'll miss that completely lol.


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## jc32 (Jan 25, 2010)

Atholk said:


> By the not initating ever, the husband often starts to feel that she is not really interested in him sexually, and this can build into a huge ****storm of feelings of rejection and pain. Then all it takes in another woman sliding up to him and asking, and it's like crack to bruised male egos. Wives that never initate sex are simply ignoring one of the most basic needs of their husband, and foolish for doing so.


I couldn't have put it better myself. My wife loves sex, but rarely initiates. It makes me feel like she's not interested in me at all, which causes me to have all sorts of negative feelings about her and myself. I have a female co-worker who is definitely interested in a sexual relationship with me, and though I would never cheat on my wife, I'm tempted. I've talked to my wife about initiating before, but she just doesn't get how important it is.


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## 1standingout (Jul 31, 2009)

Nekko, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ARE 30,000,000,000% CORRECT AND I THINK I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

MrsInPain said:


> I feel like what I meant to say didn't really come out in what I said. haha.
> 
> Basically, I was venting because, my husband is always OBSESSED (as he keeps tabs on it, literally he told me "well, the last 4 times we've had sex I HAD TO initiate") who initiates more. I initiate, sometimes directly and other times indirectly, but he ends up initiating more often simply because it's on his mind more than me.
> 
> So, what I was trying to say was: *Husbands shouldn't *get hung up on WHO initiates more often. *They should *just go with the flow and initiate *when they feel like it*, instead of making into a freakin' business contract where one partner *"has to" start *initiating more.


I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but if you're annoyed that you're husband wants to feel desired by you than you likely are a bigger part of this problem than you would care to admit. Husbands shouldn't..... They should..... making a business contract out of it? These are your own words and they don't come accross as inviting. 
Bear


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

Big Bear said:


> I hope this isn't taken the wrong way, but if you're annoyed that you're husband wants to feel desired by you than you likely are a bigger part of this problem than you would care to admit. Husbands shouldn't..... They should..... making a business contract out of it? These are your own words and they don't come accross as inviting.
> Bear


I never said I was annoyed that he wants to feel desired by me. I just think he reads way to into the fact that he initiates sex more often than I do. By making an argument out of it, it makes it even more awkward for me to try and initiate more often. 

My point was, of course he's going to initiate more. Usually the partner with the higher sex drive at that time will initiate more sex. Before I found out about the first affair I was initiating sex once sometimes twice a DAY. It was a given that he'd get oral at least once a day, standard. It would just be* a surprise as to when... morning? Maybe... or after lunch. At the golf course or in the car. It was fun. Bah, the good ol' days. Now he's lucky I'm even here, much less that he gets any type of action. Goes to show you how much of an impact cheating on a good wife will have. He went from Heaven to Hell reeeeeeal quick. 

I doubt there is advice out there for what there is to do when you give your man sex and oral whenever he wants, cook and clean everyday, earn a living, treat his son as your own and he still cheats and lies his ass off to you. Eh, just venting. I've had a really tough past few months.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MrsInPain said:


> Now he's lucky I'm even here, much less that he gets any type of action. Goes to show you how much of an impact cheating on a good wife will have. He went from Heaven to Hell reeeeeeal quick.


Aha now I see whats going on. He's destroyed a great deal of your attraction to him by his cheating on you. He feels like you're less interested in him sexually because you really are less interested in him sexually.

Basically he has taken a dump in his own pool and his now complaining that the water is a funny color. He's an idiot. He's basically punished you for doing the right thing and being an awesome wife. Way to go dumbass. I just wrote on this sort of thing on my blog here

The choice is up to you. If you want to move on into the future with him, you are going to have to sex up him a bit more like you did in the past, but he is working this issue all wrong so I think you'll just stay pissed off at him.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> Anyways...for those woman on here who claim that they initiate most of the time...what is your husband doing to get you to initiate? Does he just not care for sex...or does he masterbait alot? Or not find you attractive?(hope thats not the case)


*I think that I initiate it more because its more of a timing thing. I generally want it later at night and he is more of a morning person. In the beginning he would try to the morning, but i think i turned him down alot hahah (i cant really be woken up before 7am on my days off). Anyways, so usually when he gets tired and ready for bed is when im most geared up. Plus I personally tihnk its a huge turn on to go after a guy. Its kinda a dominance thing i think. This is not to say that I dont love being submissive too, I think its kinda gotta be balanced. *


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

my problem only gets worse every day...I dont want to even talk to my wife about it but every night this week I've mentioned it to her..so that might really turn her off...its like I cant control it, I am so damn frustrated with it already...and all it takes is a few memories of 2 years ago with her and I am totally frustrated....but the best thing for me to do might just to not worry about sex for a while...stop mentioning it to her? whatya think?


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## sooner2000 (Feb 11, 2010)

Nekko said:


> No, i think this is crap and we were brought up to never risk anything or have courage to face rejection. I think it's rather unfair to our men that we don't initiate more often and i can understand why some men turn to porn or hookers, because they get a woman who no matter how she looks, is comfortable with her body and making the man feel good as well. Ya know, making the man feel desired by initiating and then trying to take care of him instead of lieing on her back?
> I can't say this for sure but i reckon for some men it's exasperating to feel like they are the only ones who want and love sex in their relationship. If the wife doesn't initiate, it doesn't really ever feel like she wants it.
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


:iagree:


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## sooner2000 (Feb 11, 2010)

Atholk said:


> I think the important thing to understand is that most men experience love through sex. So to many men, the wife not initating feels on an emotional level the same way a wife might feel if her husband NEVER said "I love you" unless the wife said it first.


Absolutely correct! Most wives don't understand this and it leads to a lot of resentment in their husbands.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The important thing to understand is that most men experience love through sex

This is discussed with great depth in the Wonderful book called "Passionat Marraige" Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books

The 1st time I read this book, my eyes were opened to the Man's point of view on -just HOW important this is. 

But all of this aside, the poster is dealing with ALOT more here, she is dealing with major TRUST issues with her husband after what he has done. I hope her husband is bending over backwards to PROVE he is in love with her, only wants her, and is truly sorry for hurting her. 

She may have to go with TRUST over feelings for awhile to get things back to where they need to be, communication is so vital here. Sometimes we simply MUST put our feelings DOWN in order to move on, or we get stuck. 

In time, I hope she can see just how important this is TO all men, even those who are WEAK & have screwed up royally. IF she has taken him back, he must be worth something and she wants to continue to "build a life" with him. 

It will help if she comes half ways towards him if he has TRIED to right this horrible wrong, possibly a start for her could be this very issue- as hard as that may be. Him feeling as though she WANTS to do this for him-because she KNOWS it means something TO HIM. Why withhold this , unless you really want him to continue to suffer and grovel. The sad part about this is - you will also. And nobody wins. 

A Flood of love could come from this.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Sometimes we simply MUST put our feelings DOWN in order to move on, or we get stuck.


 :iagree: So true. I am stuck right now, due to feelings! 

Hopefully the feelings soon fade enough that I will be able to put them down. As of right now, we have sex a few times a week. Sometimes I literally cry afterward. But I know that will fade... I hope.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MrsInPain said:


> Sometimes I literally cry afterward.


I think you are betraying yourself by having sex at all if you are experiencing that sort of thing.

Are you guys in counseling?

Listen I am a total one track mind guy who gets cranky after a missed night of sex... but believe me when I say that any man that thinks he can cheat on his wife, and then turn around and still get the same red hot sex from her after the affairs come to light, is just in denial of what he has done.

The fact he can berate you about you not initating sex after all this, is quite obnoxious. Specially if you are reduced to tears after having sex.

What kind of ******* thinks that anyone would want to initate anything that reduces them to tears?!?!?!!?


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

Atholk said:


> I think you are betraying yourself by having sex at all if you are experiencing that sort of thing.
> 
> Are you guys in counseling?
> 
> ...


We have been to counseling, but it's his personal therapist so she's not my first choice for a relationship therapist. 

He doesn't know that I cry afterward. Well, scratch that, I've told him, but he hasn't actually seen it. We usually have sex when we go to bed, and I just turn the other way after. When I told him that I sometimes cry afterward he is just silent. It looks like it bothers him, but it's like he forgets the next day. Or maybe he's hoping I forgot? 

Our sex since the affair is anything but red hot. It's kind of weird, really.

His behavior is really strange. He's actually really sweet and affectionate all day. Complimenting, tries to hug/kiss often, etc. But the SECOND I tell him that I'm not in the mood to have sex, but maybe we could have sex later or the next day, he's cold as ice. Even if I tell him I'd still like to cuddle, just not have sex... He usually gets mad and makes a comment along the lines of "if you're never going to get over it you should just leave." I've told him in our therapy sessions that it bothers me when he can't show affection when I'm not feeling like having sex. I've told him that the affair has caused some depression for me, so I won't always be up to it. He thinks I should just put out anyway. Even after I said it in therapy and he agreed with our therapist that he should be more understanding... it's like his memory is wiped clean as soon as we leave the office! It's frustrating.


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## CatholicCouple (Feb 12, 2010)

50/50


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MrsInPain said:


> We have been to counseling, but it's his personal therapist so she's not my first choice for a relationship therapist.
> 
> He doesn't know that I cry afterward. Well, scratch that, I've told him, but he hasn't actually seen it. We usually have sex when we go to bed, and I just turn the other way after. When I told him that I sometimes cry afterward he is just silent. It looks like it bothers him, but it's like he forgets the next day. Or maybe he's hoping I forgot?
> 
> ...


He's an a$$hole.

Look if you're "just meant to get over it", and the problem is basically all in your head rather than what he did, it seems to me that if you did "just get over it" and go back to screwing him as he liked, when he liked, you're just setting yourself up for more of the same in the future.

He's showing no remorse or concern for you. Everything is a strat to get your panties off and legs apart.

What's to talk about... He just seems to view you as a broken sex toy. He's going to leave you anyway, so you may as well leave him with your head held high and on your terms.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Let me get this straight - you were a sexual goddess before he cheated. I read your earlier post - the sex - the oral - the quantity - the quality - dream girl stuff. And then he cheated. 

In the old days when you did something BAD, the WAY you made up for it was NOT via some lame ass apology. Anybody can say "sorry". Nope, back then you had to do PENNANCE. So like in his case - the pennance is sucking it up for a while and being nice when you are not into it since he screwed you over. If he cannot do that, then he truly is NOT SORRY. And if he is not sorry he will repeat the act. 

WHY are you staying with him? 





Atholk said:


> He's an a$$hole.
> 
> Look if you're "just meant to get over it", and the problem is basically all in your head rather than what he did, it seems to me that if you did "just get over it" and go back to screwing him as he liked, when he liked, you're just setting yourself up for more of the same in the future.
> 
> ...


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Let me get this straight - you were a sexual goddess before he cheated. I read your earlier post - the sex - the oral - the quantity - the quality - dream girl stuff. And then he cheated.
> 
> In the old days when you did something BAD, the WAY you made up for it was NOT via some lame ass apology. Anybody can say "sorry". Nope, back then you had to do PENNANCE. So like in his case - the pennance is sucking it up for a while and being nice when you are not into it since he screwed you over. If he cannot do that, then he truly is NOT SORRY. And if he is not sorry he will repeat the act.
> 
> WHY are you staying with him?


There are a BILLION reasons to go. 

In fact, I have my exit plan.

Hoooowwweeever, I am really quite frankly disappointed in myself that I went through with this marriage - knowing he was a really big work in progress, knowing that it was going to be an almost impossible marriage... but also knowing that I take the covenant of marriage very seriously. I married him in front of my whole family, (really because we were pressured by his family's church) and I really intended on keeping the vows of for better or for worse. When we got married it was during a "calm" time in our relationship, so I easily got swept up in the idea of marriage and forgot his past transgressions, lies, etc. It's just SO confusing to me that when I WAS a super wife, I was cheated on & profusely lied to. When I'm a cold, depressed, never horny lump on a log... then he's begging me to stay and being more transparent (which isn't saying much as he was not transparent at all before) than ever. I really just... AUGH! 

Either way, even though I know I should stay away from him and that he is not good for me... I am giving him a last last last chance. I'm saving up to move out, and if by the time I'm ready to move, he's not done a 180... I'm gone. Never looking back. 

One tiny little secret is... I feel like if I leave, he won't be a part in his son's (my step-son) life like he should be. I push him to get more involved even though the mother makes it next to impossible. The boy needs a father... his mother is a freakin' psycho. I feel like I would abandoning him. He's such a nice, good little boy. He's only 3. I started dating my H literally while she was 9mo pregnant. I didn't find out about her or his son for a good 5 months. I should have ran when I had the chance. 

edit/addition: About the sex before... it was outstanding. I've always enjoyed pleasing A LOT. I kind of resent him for taking that away from me. I have little to no desire to please him now. It's so frustrating. If he was just good to me, he'd be getting mind-blowing oral sex probably as we speak. Hmph!!!!!!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

MrsInPain said:


> Hoooowwweeever, I am really quite frankly disappointed in myself that I went through with this marriage


This is a huge red flag.




MrsInPain said:


> but also knowing that I take the covenant of marriage very seriously. I married him in front of my whole family, (really because we were pressured by his family's church) and I really intended on keeping the vows of for better or for worse.


I hate to sound like a cynic, but I think you will find there is no such thing as a "covenant of marriage" and "the vows" are also 100% unimportant. The only thing that matters in the end, and the actual agreement that took place when you married, is defined by the marriage law in the State in which you reside. You can have a $100,000 wedding and have Jesus pop down and do the cerimony, but unless you sign the marriage license you will not be married. It's a legal agreement and as such is defined by law and broken up also by legal process.




MrsInPain said:


> Either way, even though I know I should stay away from him and that he is not good for me... I am giving him a last last last chance. I'm saving up to move out, and if by the time I'm ready to move, he's not done a 180... I'm gone. Never looking back.


Stockholm syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia just wondering if this is you  He's just not going to change. Men never do.




MrsInPain said:


> One tiny little secret is... I feel like if I leave, he won't be a part in his son's (my step-son) life like he should be. I push him to get more involved even though the mother makes it next to impossible. The boy needs a father... his mother is a freakin' psycho. I feel like I would abandoning him. He's such a nice, good little boy. He's only 3. I started dating my H literally while she was 9mo pregnant. I didn't find out about her or his son for a good 5 months.


Not your kid to worry about. Also you see exactly how this man is going to treat have children you have with him.




MrsInPain said:


> I should have ran when I had the chance.


You have the chance now.




MrsInPain said:


> edit/addition: About the sex before... it was outstanding. I've always enjoyed pleasing A LOT. I kind of resent him for taking that away from me. I have little to no desire to please him now. It's so frustrating. If he was just good to me, he'd be getting mind-blowing oral sex probably as we speak. Hmph!!!!!!


Why don't you just admit that you hate him and don't want to have sex with him. This is seriously not going to get any better.


You look beautiful, stop wasting your time with this dumbass.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My wife LOVES to please so I understand the mindset. She does however have a strong sense of self so if I cheated her response would be something like this: 

I consistently asked how happy you were in bed, you repeatedly said I was a 10 (which is true in both frequency and quality), and your gratitude is you cheated on me. 

OK - well lets divide what we own by two since a 20 year marriage where we live is a half and half deal, and then I am going to systematically shred your life - socially I am going to tell everyone, emotionally - well that will just be a never ending series of little surprises, and maybe even physically. Then with a cold smile I can just hear her saying "Those knives in the butcher block sure do reflect light in a fascinating way, maybe we should take them out and try to figure which one is the sharpest"




MrsInPain said:


> There are a BILLION reasons to go.
> 
> In fact, I have my exit plan.
> 
> ...


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## IDreamOfJenny (Feb 15, 2010)

I try to initiate sex but after a bunch of times being turned down because he wanted nothing but blowjobs, I've stopped trying so much. I like giving blowjobs, but I like the ratio to be reasonable, not all blowjobs and never sex. So if you've turned down your girl a lot, it's true, that may be why she doesn't initiate. However, I don't think it's fair for the woman to NEVER initiate.

I will say it's something special when my husband initiates and acts like he just can't resist me. Hasn't done that since we were dating. It's a good feeling. I bet a lot of women love the feeling of being "taken."

but then, what's good for the goose is good for the gander... Guys like it too. Why shouldn't women make an effort to show their men they are sexually attractive?


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Well...the problems i encounter with initiating...
1. i am hurt by rejection and he tends to reject me a lot (might be really bad timing on my part as i have asked a couple of times when he had a headacke or had just fixed the bathroom sink, but hey, repairmen are sexy). 
2. you guys just jump right in at the start of the relationship. we learn it doesn't take a lot to get you horny. This means, we don't really learn how to seduce you on purpose. We just sit, look pretty and you come to us (i'm not trying to offend with this but this is how it happens). THen, all of a sudden, we need to learn to make you horny on purpose, all we've seen is the women on tv who we think are most of the time hotter or more confident than us, we know we can't measure up and that makes us feel bad. So we have this sense of...this is too freaking hard to do. 

Just my 2 cents. Actually curious if any women feel this way or just me.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

toolate said:


> Dancing, that post was from me under my prior name Choose2love (had to change it bc husband couldnt NOT read my posts even though he didnt want to.
> 
> He turned me down a few times since we got married in July... hundreds of times before that... but at least we had regular sex when he was turning me down. After I dressed up as a french maid and sent love texts warning him and he came home saying "what the hell is this?" Yep... no more intiating for a while. In January, I intiated 4 times in a row with the method he told me would work, a bj, and it did work. But, then he didnt initiate with me after that saying, "you want it come and get it."
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## mujer_rota (Feb 10, 2010)

artieb said:


> People obsess about things which don't happen often enough. I don't think anyone's ever comes on here and said "We only have sex 15 times a week!" When you're thirsty, you obsess about water. When you're on a diet, you obsess about chocolate cake. When Snowmaggedon comes, you think about Florida.
> 
> But when you get that drink of water, you stop obsessing about it and go back to normal. If I read them correctly, most guys here (and described by their wives) would be satisfied if she initiated sex even once a week. That would be enough to scratch that itch, and the rest of the time he would do it.


right on, i think I needed to read this. thank you!


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