# Ladies, Please Help



## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

this is my first time doing this but i am really confused right now and i need whatever help i can get. 

this past weekend my wife said to me she was feeling lost and things were going on with her and she was confused. we talked and argued and talked some more and basically all it came down to was she feels she's missing passion and excitement and romance. she said she doesnt know who she is and she needs to find herself. what is that supposed to mean? she said she still loves me but wishes it was like it used to be. we have been together 10 years and with the way that our work schedules are, its only natural that some of that daily passion faded away. i personally love her more than ever but now after she said all that, i cant help but be confused on what i should do. she said she will see a counselor but even so i dont know. i love her and cant picture life with out her but i also dont know if i cant live liek this also. 

we havent had sex in 3 weeks and when we did have sex, it was the first time in 3 weeks than also. ive never been an overlly passionate guy and she knows that. i'm just like any normal man, i'm happy with sex at least twice a week. i asked her yesterday about sex (i know i probably shouldnt have but i was feeling things were in the 'ok' now) and she smiled and looked at me and said "sorry i dont feel like it tonight." typical i guess.

the last few days since we last spoke of the conversation have been ok, she would come up to me on the couch for a little while and snuggle in with me. tonight she was watching tv in the bedroom and i rolled over to her and asked if she would get closer and she said "how can i get closer?" i am truly hurt with this. 

i do romantic things for her just not too often because we are on a budget and we cant afford much. but when we can i do my best. last week i splurged and brought her shopping to a 200a store plaza an area she loved that she has never been before. in march for our 10 year anniversary i went and bought her 10 little gifts. things that i knew she likes over the 10 years we been together. 

i do not know what to do. i contemplated seperation, but i do not know if i want that either. someone please help. thank you.


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## lostinlove1 (May 10, 2010)

Cookwo6, what can I say, this is my opinion and would not speak of woman in general, but communicate! Keep the lines open, that is what failed me, my H stopped communicating with me and I excepted it now he is leaving.......anyway she is obviously missing something and maybe she does not even know what that is, but all you can do is support her and be there, however in saying that don't deprive yourself, you as a man have needs and deserve to know how she is feeling the best way she can explain it. Maybe prepare a candle lit dinner for her and make her feel special make the night about what she wants, if sex happens it does but if it doesn't just enjoy each others company, put on a chick flick and show her how much you support and want to help her through this. I don't know us creatures are unpredictable - trust me I know I am!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

If I answer you, cookw06, will you answer me something? Tell me how you turned your wife's complaint into being all about you? Not enough sex for you.....you don't know if you can live like this.....you are considering separation.....and so on. I'm genuinely curious.

Anyway, she told you what she wants, but you say you don't know what to do, so here you go. Romance doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Run her a bubble bath with candles. Rub her feet. Wash the dishes. Clean the bathroom. Brush her hair. Message her back. Cook her dinner. Send her flowers. Put a hand-written love note in the refrigerator. Write a post it and stick in her checkbook or on her drivers license. Make the bed in the morning. Read a romance novel to her at night. There are hundreds of things you can do. Just get creative. And, this movie will help tremendously to rekindle the romance, put the spark back, and make her feel loved and appreciated. Rent it. Watch it. Follow the principles. She doesn't want the attention she receives from you to be about you trying to get sex. She's beginning to resent you for that. Resentment kills a woman's libido. What she needs is for you to make love to her before you make love to her. You might even start dating her. Remember the things you did when you were wooing her?

"_its only natural that some of that daily passion faded away._"

That may be, but don't let it stop you.


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## cookw06 (May 14, 2010)

Susan2010, it actualy isnt about the sex. we've been without sex like this or longer when our relationship was phenomonal. does it help? no, but i'm ok with it. she told me she needs to find herself, she's lost, and confused. thats what my problem is. she wants me to bring some spark back, how can i do that when she says stuff like that to me. 

i would love to do some of those romantic things you suggested just a minor problem. she doesnt like baths. she's ticklish so she doesnt want her feet rubbed. i do alot of cleaning daily anyways. we have no kids but 2 cats, so she doesnt want flowers because they eat them. i put post its on the bathroom mirror weekly because she leaves before i'm even awake in the morning. i am going to try to bring some romance back in certain areas. if i have to set aside money for this. i want to make it work, but sometimes it seems like she's just there. 

as far as the action of wooing her, thats good. i like that. you think i should date her again? good idea. maybe it would help. this problem just started amongst us about a week ago (at least thats when she brought it to my attention) and i am going away for 3 days for a business trip. maybe time apart will help her think. thanks for the input. i appreciate anything i can get, especially from females because you all are complicated....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cookw06 said:


> this problem just started amongst us about a week ago (at least thats when she brought it to my attention) and i am going away for 3 days for a business trip. maybe time apart will help her think. thanks for the input. i appreciate anything i can get, especially from females because you all are complicated....



Yes, we are complicated. I doubt this all started 3 weeks ago, but has been slowing building & she was just silent. 

How old are you both, any chance of a mid-life crisis? 

Any chance of this just being a bad PMS episode? I read this in my "Sex on the Brain" book , that some women get this SO bad, that they want to divorce their husbands during PMS, their brain scans show EXTRA Hyper activity in areas that are calmer during Non-pmsing days. Kinda crazy, but something to consider. 

I would highly recommend this book to you -for helping get some valuable insight on bringing back Passion & Excitement in your marraige: Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach:&#133; - Plenty of books with tips on Romancing the wife, little things to spice things up. You do not need alot of money to do 90% of these things. 

How is the "attraction factor" between the 2 of you? Sometimes this creates issues if one spouse looks significantly different from when they married. 

Also what do you feel are *her* LOVE Languages? I think many times couples have very different Love languages & we mistakenly show LOVE in the way we perceive it , not realizing our spouse may perceive it very differently/in other ways. 

Here is a thread about this, maybe you & her can take this little test & discover some things about each other & try to speak the others language: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

Defeintely TALK, have a heart to heart. Comtemplating 
separation already, this is really jumping the gun! Until you have exhausted all these wonderful resources, really sat down -put all of this on the table - share openly & honestly with each other, possibly counseling if it comes to that. 

It sounds like you want it to be saved, saying you love her more than ever. So commit yourself to making this happen, pick up a copy of Amazon.com: The Love Dare (9780805448856): Stephen Kendrick, Alex Kendrick: Books while you are at it. Rent "FireProof", watch it together .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Has she met any new people? Is she doing anything new, like a new job or a new gym or a new class?

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out two copies of the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires, and both of you sit down and fill them out. It will tell you what NOT to do, and what TO do, to keep your marriage fresh and happy.


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