# It's my fault.....



## momentary lapse (Aug 21, 2009)

I've been lurking here for a while. I just don't know where to start. I made the dumbest mistake ever and I can't believe I did it. 

I've been married over 20 years, 3 kids.....great marriage, great family, or so I thought...then I found out the dangers of the internet....

Long story short, I got caught up in Facebook.....Instant messaging someone I didn't know, apparently someone I went to high school with. It started out all innocent, literally talking about former students and teachers. Next thing I know, he's talking sex with me. I was beyond shocked. This is where I should have put a stop to it. But I was so taken aback~~almost even consciously thinking "THIS is why the news is always talking about the dangers of the internet!" I let him talk to me.....it was almost completely one sided, in fact at one point he made a comment about it needing to be two ways, not just one way.

Just as quick as it started it was over.....we "chatted" maybe a total of two hours....I went to sleep thinking "I cannot believe that just happened to me!!!"

The next morning when I logged on, he was there again and it started again. As if the first time wasn't bad enough. I was so curious, though......who was this guy and why was he doing this? And how far would he take it? I mean, he was over 2000 miles away and I was never going to see him. And I KNEW, beyond a shadow of a doubt this was wrong, I was just curious.

I was D-U-M-B enough to give him my phone number and he started texting me when I left the house. I neglected to sign off my computer and my hubby found a record of the chat. 

He confronted me with a print out when I got home, and by that point had already checked my phone records to see we had been texting. While I was out I got a sickening feeling that this had just gone too too far and I was going to tell this guy that I was done. I just didn't do it before I got home.

When my husband confronted me, my immediate response was "Thank God you found that. I need help. I've been feeling the need to get some help for a long time and I didn't know how to tell you."

Geez, this story isn't short, is it???

Needless to say the poor man was devastated. I told him about the issues I've been carrying with me from childhood and have never dealt with, ever. That I was raised to believe that it is NOT Ok to show any signs of weakness and that wives/mothers are not supposed to do anything besides care for their families and husbands and support them and never, ever let it out that maybe I need help with something.

He immediately wanted to go to counselling. He sent me away for a few days (it was a previous arranged trip anyway, but he needed time to himself). It was just awful for a few weeks. He went to counselling, I went, we went together.....

Just a few weeks ago he admitted that "the incident" doesn't really matter anymore. That he now understands it was a cry for help from me.....and that he's in love with me and wants to do everything he can to help me.

We've actually "graduated" from counselling, at least the marriage part. I've continued to go on my own to deal with the original childhood issues.

I'm not concerned so much any more that I'm going to lose my marriage over this.....but I feel so very guilty for what I've done to him and to us. How could I be so dumb as to let this happen??? 

It was the first, and only, time something like this has ever happened. And it will never happen again. I am now shy of even talking to men, and have changed my perspective on being in their presence.

I guess, where I'm at now, is will I ever get over the guilt? And how can I ever make it up to him and prove to him that I never meant for anything like this to happen????

I have to admit, I even feel nervous about being on the computer and writing all this.....like I'm keeping something from him.....but I'd show him in a heartbeat...he already knows all of this stuff anyway....


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Just keep on building back his trust in you- don't do things that you couldn't do in front of him. Back before I filed for divorce I'd always think of how it would look if he saw what I had written or said and that helped me gauge my decisions. Just be very honest and open with him now and work on communicating with him


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

So let me get this right, you had a little cybersex with a Old HS friend on facebook right? 

My wife was on facebook and my daughters old teacher from 2 years ago was online and we are friendly with. (male teacher)

Well he was home during the day so she was like why are you home, he told her he resigned as a teacher.

anyway, he was like, "so your home alone?" she thought nothing of it, she was like, "yea hanging out until the kids come home" I was upstairs sleeping since I was working nites at the time. He started flirting with her and was like, "You should come over to my house to have lunch, no one is home" she was like, "no" not realizing what he was after.

After she told me that day I said, "oh he was trying to ahve sex with you" she said no he wasn't. I said, "Did he ask you to erase the conversation?" she said yes, I said there you go. She was shocked.

The next day...same thing, she said, Oh I told my husband about it, the guy FREAKED out. I sent him a message, told him WE would love to go have lunch with him, he backed out immediately and haven't heard from him since.

Just so you know you can "turn off" the Chat option on face book. 

Just be open and honest with your hubby. I have a dear friend who is a female and one of our HS male friends tried that with her, she told him off big time!! to the point they don't talk anymore. He couldn't understand why thismarried woman was not interested...idiot. next time someone tries it, Tell him off.


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## momentary lapse (Aug 21, 2009)

Yep, Soccerman....you are right on....

YOUR wife was smarter than I.....I still don't know why I didn't say no....

I am completely out of facebook.....not going there again....I immediately, after being caught, disabled my facebook AND texted the guy to never contact me again. I figured that was the first and easiest thing to do to show my hubby that I really was serious about fixing myself and not hurting him any further...


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## Nandos (Apr 4, 2009)

I have to admit that is the first post that has not accused your husband for snooping! Even if you just “forgot to log off” I have seen most posts here say “don’t look even if it is not logged off” because that is snooping.”


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well it is true, if she was on facebook and he pulled it up, she would still be logged in and the conversation would stay there until she erased it.

I actually find it annoying....lol 

But if you ahve nothing to hide then it is no big deal.

Instead of getting rid of facebook, you can block him.

But alos give your husband full access to your stuff.

I know some people are all about privacy, but if you have nothing to hide then give full access.

It wasn't that my wife was smarter, her head is just denser, she had no idea what he was looking for.

You knew it, didn't say no, and that is what kills you, you knew better but did it anyway.

It was a mistake, forgive yourself and get over it, Mistakes happen.


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## momentary lapse (Aug 21, 2009)

Nandos said:


> I have to admit that is the first post that has not accused your husband for snooping! Even if you just “forgot to log off” I have seen most posts here say “don’t look even if it is not logged off” because that is snooping.”


Funny......the therapist (counselor, whatever) kept asking me if I was ok with my husband looking through my stuff. My response is that I expected him to~~that's certainly what I would be doing if the situation were reversed!


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## momentary lapse (Aug 21, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> well it is true, if she was on facebook and he pulled it up, she would still be logged in and the conversation would stay there until she erased it.
> 
> I actually find it annoying....lol
> 
> ...


Easier said than done when I realize how this could have impacted so many lives....that my one stupid mistake could have altered my kids security and turned my husband into a bitter man...and made my guilt issues even worse than they were to start with.

I'm fortunate that he came to terms with things so quickly. I'm not naive enough to think it's over and done and forgotten~~thats never going to happen, but he is willing to give me another chance to show him he can trust me. Thats why no more facebook......he has huge issues about lack of privacy, etc on the internet and thinks that social site online are a bad thing in general. I have to honor his feelings....

But, finding this site has certainly helped me to understand how this all has impacted him. Now if it could just straighten out the rest of my life.....:rofl:


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

From your posts, 

I actually thought the worst, 

Shame on me,

My mind is in the gutter.

Take a step back, nothing happened.

You can talk this out.

You can re-claim his trust.

We are all just human beings with frailties.

Remember, non of us are robots.

We all have hurts, fears, insecurities we carry around from childhood.

Give yourself a break.

Talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk to your husband.

One day, not too far off, it will be funny.

It will go something like this, "remember that psycho guy who text terrorism me, yeah crazy guy, I heard he's in jail"

"I heard he got shot by someone's husband, no, yeah"

"I heard he got ... (fill in the blank)"

Remember, you are only human, we all make mistakes, some are gigantic, but still just mistakes as humans.

Lay it all out there for him, Love is a powerful instrument for forgiveness.

Marriage is never perfect, you have to hit a bump sometime.


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