# Do unfaithful spouse also suffer with mind movies?



## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

I am reffering to those people who have regretted cheating and are now in the process of trying to rebuild the relationship.

Do you guys and girls also have moments when mind movies get to you?

Such as in a moment of intimacy with your SO, do you also feel the memories from your affair/ONS ruin the moment for you?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

They say affair sex is the best sex so I don't think they "suffer" mind movies. Guilt perhaps.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MY STBXW is still in her affair. I don't think she's losing as much sleep.

Sleep. I used to know what that was....


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Sleep. I used to know what that was....


+1


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm not a cheater but, I don't think they suffer from "mind movies" as much as they do paranoia. If they are remorseful and are trying to reconcile. They get paranoid that they gave their spouse a "free pass" to cheat to even the playing field. So, they're always paranoid waiting for the other shoe to drop.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

I don't know if "affair sex" is the best sex. Having dated before I met and married my husband, the "best sex" trophy goes to him!

I'm not paranoid about my husband cheating. He has been hit on by other women before the affair and it's no different now. He doesn't have a free pass and I doubt that after he has experienced what my infidelity did to our marriage and how hard it was and sometimes still is to move forward, he would go and cheat - because the outcome was so much fun the first time. The concept of "leveling the playing field" or "an eye for an eye" shouldn't have a place in a marriage, in my opinon. No matter which way you look at it, such a concept would be detrimental to a marriage ultimately. My husband drank and was physically abusive when we first got married. Why on earth would I want to repeat that? To get even at the expense of our marriage, daugther and my husband? What's the benefit? 

I have mind movies and they are all about Dday. They are less frequent now and I can control them. I treat them as reminders or if you will as marking sticks for my boundaries. I feel that mind movies and triggers are tools, opportunities for me to confirm that I'm on the right path.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> He doesn't have a free pass


It's ok for you to get a free pass but not him? Maybe he's just a better person.



FourtyPlus said:


> The concept of "leveling the playing field" or "an eye for an eye" shouldn't have a place in a marriage, in my opinon.


Affairs have a place in marriage? 



FourtyPlus said:


> No matter which way you look at it, such a concept would be detrimental to a marriage ultimately.


Really, a little leveling the playing field, or him getting his kicks from someone other than you is detrimental to a marriage, but can it really be worse than what you did to your marriage in the frist place?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> It's ok for you to get a free pass but not him? Maybe he's just a better person.
> *I didn't get a free pass either. I'm paying for the consequences of what I did, that's not a freepass. If he cheats, he will pay for the consequences just as I do. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. *
> 
> Affairs have a place in marriage?
> ...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> Really, a little leveling the playing field, or him getting his kicks from someone other than you is detrimental to a marriage, but can it really be worse than what you did to your marriage in the frist place?


Everyone learns in elementary school that two wrongs don't make a right.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Everyone learns in elementary school that two wrongs don't make a right.


I agree. But the one that wronged doesn't get to decide what is right either.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I agree. But the one that wronged doesn't get to decide what is right either.


I decide what is wrong and right to me, you bet I do! If my husband wants to cheat because he feels he deserves it or to get even with me, he knows how to file for divorce and I know where to sign. It's a no brainer. 
If his motivation for cheating is other than seeking revenge, then that's a different story, which I can't comment on because I haven't been there yet.
A marriage where either one or both partners are consumed with getting even with each other for being wronged isn't worth much in my opinion.
My husband isn't out for revenge, he's not that type of person. We each decide what's wrong and right for us personally and we have a clear understanding of what we want our marriage to be - it's not revenge seeking, LOL.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> MY STBXW is still in her affair. I don't think she's losing as much sleep.
> 
> Sleep. I used to know what that was....


Believe me, once this is behind you, you'll be wondering how you could have lost so much sleep and felt so bad over something that turned out so good. I said before, think about all the women you'll be dating and the fun you will have after you've ditched her.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> I decide what is wrong and right to me, you bet I do!


I meant the one that has wronged doesn't get to decide what is right for the BS.




> If my husband wants to cheat because he feels he deserves it or to get even with me, he knows how to file for divorce and I know where to sign. It's a no brainer.


I NEVER condone a revenge affair. EVER.

Having said that, so basically if he does the same thing you did, you wouldn't forgive him as he has forgiven you? Figures.




> If his motivation for cheating is other than seeking revenge, then that's a different story, which I can't comment on because I haven't been there yet.


Does it really matter why? He forgave you, if he ended up doing the same, you should forgive him.




> A marriage where either one or both partners are consumed with getting even with each other for being wronged isn't worth much in my opinion.


A marriage where one spouse cheats isn't worth much in mine.




> My husband isn't out for revenge, he's not that type of person.


Nor would I ever suggest that he does. I don't condone affairs or cheating for ANY excuse.




> We each decide what's wrong and right for us personally and we have a clear understanding of what we want our marriage to be - it's not revenge seeking, LOL.


LOL? I didn't know this was a joke to you.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I meant the one that has wronged doesn't get to decide what is right for the BS.
> *I didn't say they did. *
> 
> 
> ...


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan 
I meant the one that has wronged doesn't get to decide what is right for the BS.
FourtyPlus: I didn't say they did. 

*I never said you did. I wasn't talking to you or about you.*


Dexter Morgan: I NEVER condone a revenge affair. EVER.

Having said that, so basically if he does the same thing you did, you wouldn't forgive him as he has forgiven you? Figures.
You're assuming and didn't comprehend what I said. Read it again! It depends on the cirucumstances. It did for him and it does for me.

Does it really matter why? He forgave you, if he ended up doing the same, you should forgive him.

FourtyPlus: Yep, it matters why. It always does!

*Bull. It wouldn't matter to you if your husband cheated to get back at you, or because he was hurting, or, as some cheaters will say, "it just happened". You'd divorce him because you got to cheat first and won't tolerate it if he does.*


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Whatever! Your are pointless!


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> Whatever! Your are pointless!


:lol: :rofl:

I wasn't even referring to you, or addressing you when you decided to chime in with your irrelevancy.

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, cheater.

"Whatever!" :rofl: Nice one.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I am sure the DS does have mind movies, but unlike the BS they likely enjoy them because it is a reminder to them of getting something they really wanted and enjoyed having. There sometimes may be guilt associated from it, perhaps even enough guilt to trump whatever pleasure they got out of their choices... but nonetheless when the mind movies were being shot live, the good feeling chemicals were present when recording those scenes to memory, the DS will always associate their actions with their AP with the pleasure centers of the brain, it was gratifying to them and will therefore always be. It is only rational thought and long term consequences that forces the cheater to deal with reality at some point down the road. When reason is being overridden by the fog the not so nice consequences all seem to fall onto the LS.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Let's call a spade a spade. For WS, those are not "mind movies", they are _memories_. There is no uncertainty or guessing. 


And, given that those memories stem from experiences coming from their conscious life choices, I think "suffer" is the wrong word here.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> I am sure the DS does have mind movies, but unlike the BS they likely enjoy them because it is a reminder to them of getting something they really wanted and enjoyed having. There sometimes may be guilt associated from it, perhaps even enough guilt to trump whatever pleasure they got out of their choices... but nonetheless when the mind movies were being shot live, the good feeling chemicals were present when recording those scenes to memory, the DS will always associate their actions with their AP with the pleasure centers of the brain, it was gratifying to them and will therefore always be. It is only rational thought and long term consequences that forces the cheater to deal with reality at some point down the road. When reason is being overridden by the fog the not so nice consequences all seem to fall onto the LS.


To some WS, they might be enjoyable memories because they have gotten away with something but it's not like that for all WS.
I don't associate my actions during the affair with the OM, I associate them with the pain and hurt it caused my husband and I get no pleasure or joy from that. The OM said things that made me feel good, yes! The don't make me feel good anymore and when I think back to the moment when he said those things and I felt good about myself - I simply don't feel anything positive about it now, I just don't. I despise the OM and I despise what I did, despise the entire EA, it was wrong through and through - there are no pleasurable memories, absolutely not.
My mindmovies are about Dday and the months after.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

40+, thank you for that comment... I think I have a lot of spite for cheaters over this issue, it probably blinds me to the fact that there are some who have had an affair and recovered from it out of genuine remorse. Too often I see so many stories on here where there isn't that remorse... often the cheater just continues the affair and keeps it hidden without coming clean or owning up to it, or else it empowers them to separate and divorce - for the WS these decisions are fueled by the good feelings they got from cheating and feels like the absolute right thing for them to do even though it means devastating their spouse.

I think in cases like yours it means you have genuine remorse, that despite those good feelings you got you realized that your actions were wrong, and I think it has so much to do with your core values, especially your reasoning and understanding of love and marriage.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

40+ my wife said much the same thing when we talked last week. I asked her if she ever thought about those days because some of the things she told me are triggers. She said not often but when she does it sickens her. It reminds her of when she was an alcoholic and how low she got and it only drives her to stay sober and be faithful to me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

FourtyPlus said:


> To some WS, they might be enjoyable memories because they have gotten away with something but it's not like that for all WS.
> I don't associate my actions during the affair with the OM, I associate them with the pain and hurt it caused my husband and I get no pleasure or joy from that. The OM said things that made me feel good, yes! The don't make me feel good anymore and when I think back to the moment when he said those things and I felt good about myself - I simply don't feel anything positive about it now, I just don't. I despise the OM and I despise what I did, despise the entire EA, it was wrong through and through - there are no pleasurable memories, absolutely not.
> My mindmovies are about Dday and the months after.


Couldn't have said it better myself 40+


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I am hoping that in time my WS will take the same path and associate all memories of the OW as pain and suffering. Not that I want him to suffer forever, but as a BS, it is painful to think (and you cannot help it) that in times of your "reconciled happiness", that your spouse may think "what if" I made the other choice...for me, I have thought this because of how hard it is to try and get past an affair, how it is a daily struggle, especially the first couple of months. Has any WS ever drowned themselves in music? I can't listen to music still because I associate almost every song with the OW - by that I mean that they sent songs back and forth, and she drowned him with every song within the last 2 years (I almost think on purpose) so that he could not listen to the radio without associating a song with her. I even told him that music is not my friend at the moment. Give it 6 months when there are new songs out there and I might stary listening again. My WS has a playlist of songs - off the wall bands that he listens to - says he likes the music, and yes, I can see that, but if you listen to the lyrics...it is like he is making himself suffer with constant reminders - suffering, bad choices, self hate, remorse....could he be doing this on purpose to keep himself feeling bad for what he did? Is he punishing himself, or trying to associate the OW with bad feelings to get over her?


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> :lol: :rofl:
> 
> I wasn't even referring to you, or addressing you when you decided to chime in with your irrelevancy.
> 
> ...


Looks like she wanted the sex and orgasms, but, she didn't want to be on the short end (shouldn't be anyway), like her husband! She sounds very controling to me! Her husband would do right if he divorced her!

BTW Dexter, NICE ONE!:smthumbup:


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