# Husband seems to be upset that his friends are friends with me-HELP



## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

I am a 29 year old woman, soon to be 30 in October and married the love of my life last November. He just turned 25 this past May. We both have VERY many common interests, and just are perfect for each other. 

My concern as of late is that a couple of his friends just by default if they can not get in touch with my husband they then get in touch with me. My husband has never had an issue with this, and because of facebooking and all people just use that as a main hub of contact. I am a stay at home wife, so I'm always able to be reached.

However I’ve noticed the 2nd time a pal of his called me, to just plan out something for the end of the year as a trip for my husband and I, his newly engaged fiancé, and himself; and this seemed to have bothered my husband. He expressed that he didn’t understand why his friends were calling me instead of talking to him about these things. I love my husband, and I know that he is prone to over react on things. I did the very same thing when I was younger. I love my young husband dearly and would do ANYTHING for him. Is it just a guy thing for him to get upset when he sees that his pal couldn’t reach him, that they get in touch with me instead? I’m not petty about anything, and I don’t want to have my husband feel like he’s being left out. I just don’t want to upset my husband over silly things such as this. Is it just because he’s young and easily upset maybe? He doesn’t accuse me of anything, as far as “cheating” and what not because he knows I would rather die than to do that to him. ( I know how that feels seeming in the past I was married before and my ex cheated on me with an online love affair with a woman old enough to be his mother. >.< but that’s another issue entirely. Lol.) I just want to get a handle on how to approach talking about it without upsetting him. I don’t want to hear “I feel like you’re taking my friends away” talk.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Does your husband have a habit of not responding to people who call him? If he always picks up the phone and calls people back then why can't his friend get a hold of him? Did his friend actually try to call him 1st at all?

My brother is #1, he has a phone but never answers and gets all pissed off like your husband when people call his wife to get something done.

BTW, I know all my friends and their wives phone numbers, I HAVE never called any of their wives if I can't get a hold of my friend(s). It just an unspoken rule, unless it's an emergency, leave the missed call or text some crap and I'll call you when I want to talk to you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There needs to be boundries and I think another man should not be call another mans wife.

If the other women would be calling your husband to schedule something....or what ever, do you think a boundry was being crossed?

Sure its ideal chit chat about up and coming events that are happening with a small group, but the fact remains your old man is uncomfortable with it and it should be respected...his feelings that is!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Beside....today its a discussion about an event, then the next day its about relationship problems, then it become a meeting for coffee, then these calls turn into flirting chats about one another, then your sleeping together...........

It happens!!!!!!!!

Down the road you will be telling your husband "you didn't mean it to happen" and "we were just friend and it got out of hand"

The point is your man is establishing healthy boundries, that will help in affair proofing the marriage...listen to him.


Sure this is over the top....but again it does happen!!!!!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As a woman, I had this problem when I was married so it's in reverse to the OP's situation.

Yes, I was upset that when I left a message for someone, they called my husband.

Some of these people were women he knew before me and I was planning / finalising activities for the couples to go out.

The other group, sadly, turned out to be women I was trying to befriend who apparently thought that my husband was a more valuable contact to them.

OP, my suggestion is to have clear lines of communication. He has his friends, close and other wise. and you have yours. Unless you want to give out a home phone that you both access and a mutual e-mail address, respect those clear lines.

Look at it from the other direction.....would you want your female friends calling your husband? and your male friends as well?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't think your husband is overreacting at all. I imagine that he feels like a child whose friends go running to mommy to tattle on him! 

I would encourage you to ask him how he would like you to handle these friends. You can offer to simply tell them that you'll pass along a message. You could tell them that you don't want to try to speak for your husband and that they should contact him instead. 

If he doesn't answer or return their calls, that's between him and his friends to work out. It shouldn't involve you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Boundaries. Get some. This sounds suspiciously like fishing to me.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

MAN CODE:

Your male buddy doesn't call your wife when you can be easily reached.

His "friend" is acting like an idiot and needs a good lashing. This is weird behavior.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I agree with your husband.

If my husband's friends can't reach him, then they can leave a voice mail for him. They would never call me unless it was an emergency.

My friends do NOT call my husband if they can't reach me. They leave me a message.

If his friends are calling on your shared home phone, then yes, of course you can talk very briefly with them but mostly to take a message.

If his friends are calling your personal cell phone, they need to stop.

Not appropriate in any circumstance unless it's an emergency.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think men are really territorial and most woulod probably not like their guy friends calling their wife making plans for them. 

It is what it is. 

You may feel the same way if a female friend of yours were calling your husband to make vacation plans when she could call.

Since you know it bothers him, talk about it and establish mutual boundaries for this type of thing.

You could always tell the male friend "You should call Hubby to discuss this w/ him. I am sure he'd love to coordinate with you." 

Oh it's a slippery slope and those little things... they start like this. Not saying that's what it is but really it's TRULY at the end of the day about BOUNDARIES. So get some. Ones you both agree on.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

They are his friends. As such he regulates how you as a couple interact with them. If I do not feel like responding to a friend's dinner invite, I would be pissed if he called my wife and they both scheduled it. Maybe I did not want to see him that weekend. Maybe I was busy, but was planing to enjoy talking to him about it and other things when I did have the time. 

Bottom line, his friends need to be his friend loyal to him first and not you. If the other man (OM) starts talking to you and begins to enjoy (nothing romantic) talking to you over your husband, your husband would have basically lost a friend whenever you are around.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I agree. His friends, they should be calling him. And, unless it's an emergency, not calling you. Now, the fiancee, however, could call you to make plans or whatever. But the guy friends should be calling him, not you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If my husband's friend called me for something OTHER than planning something for my husband or for the friend's gf, it would be weird and I would direct him to call my husband.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

The last time a friend of mine called my wife for a random thing he was no longer my friend. Your husband may know his friend better then you so he may not trust him. I agree with Costa. It's basic guy code.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

I can't imagine a non emergency situation that would make me call a friend's wife.

And I wouldn't have a friend that would call my wife. I just gave up a good friend for crossing a thinner line than that.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Samayouchan said:


> I am a stay at home wife, so I'm always able to be reached.


Aside from the obvious things like planning group activities, other contact might be driven by sex. They get to know you a little better in hopes that you'll come over on their days off.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In 20 years of marriage I have called a friend of my wife's exactly once. And that was to arrange surprise babysitting for a 2 day surprise getaway for our aniversary.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's interesting, because for me and my wife, we aren't friends with anyone who ain't friends with BOTH of us - we have a joint social circle (after some dramas in the past which led to a bit of a 'purge')


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I can understand how your H feels, and next time his friend calls you I'd tell him that you think it would be best for him to talk to your H and that you'll get H to call him.

Recently, I had a female friend come and stay with me for a week. When she went home, she emailed _my partner_ (who she'd met for the first time during her visit) telling him she'd arrived home safely and thanking him for all he'd done her for during her stay in_ MY home_ (my partner and I don't live together). I'm afraid some people just don't understand boundaries!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If the reason he's getting upset is because this friend is male then I shall congratulate you madame for marrying a man who knows the way things work. It's his friend so just follow his lead, and do not make him feel insecure for this just because you don't understand. He's a man, he understands.


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## Hira (Aug 16, 2012)

I think he is on right as no husband will feel comfortable that his friend is going to be frank with her wife.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I can understand how your H feels, and next time his friend calls you I'd tell him that you think it would be best for him to talk to your H and that you'll get H to call him.
> 
> Recently, I had a female friend come and stay with me for a week. When she went home, she emailed _my partner_ (who she'd met for the first time during her visit) telling him she'd arrived home safely and thanking him for all he'd done her for during her stay in_ MY home_ (my partner and I don't live together). I'm afraid some people just don't understand boundaries!



do you plan to dump this friend? These days if that happened to me, that friend would definitely be frozen out.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Your husbands friends should NOT be calling and talking to you.
No good ever comes of this! 
Respect your husband and protect your marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> do you plan to dump this friend? These days if that happened to me, that friend would definitely be frozen out.


She was dumped by both of us with immediate effect


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

Thank you all for the excellent advice. ^^ I took the initiative and expressed to my husband how I felt about his friends calling me instead of him. I was never happy that they would call me instead, but this one particular buddy was calling our house phone when he couldnt get my husband, who is notorious about not returning calls. In the end, my husband understood that he needed to get back with his pals in a more timely manner and that way no confusion would be involved. I want the boundaries trust me LOL and i guess me telling him to get off his ass and call his pal back helped. It soothed his frustration about the whole thing and he knows that I was really only trying to relay the message.
TY everyone for the responses. Its much appreciated!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Good move on your part. Good luck.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Good for you for nipping this in the bud, OP, and handling it well.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Emerald said:


> *If his friends are calling on your shared home phone, then yes, of course you can talk very briefly with them but mostly to take a message.*
> 
> If his friends are calling your personal cell phone, they need to stop.
> 
> Not appropriate in any circumstance unless it's an emergency.


Very briefly would be the operative word here. What I noticed and this was during the early days of mobile /cell phones when it was still expensive to call them.....

People would call on the house phone; my husband would take the call and stay on sometimes as long as 30 minutes......by that time, my so called friends would have had enough and refuse to be passed on to me.......

my friend of mine did tell me that she felt that my exH was very competitive about friendships with me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good for you. 

That way your husband knows how you feel and he will prob talk to his friend about it.

Good thinking 

Offtopic. Re: house phones... I haven't had one of those in eons!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Good job OP!

Glad to be of service


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