# Unforeseen repercussions



## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Its been some years since I Have turned to you good people for help. Some of you may remember me, some may not. Long, long story short, I have finally found a wonderful man! He is everything I love about a man, and he seems to be pretty into me too! I have not had a real relationship for over 10 years. 

The problem I am having is that because of my past as an escort, and just my past in general, I have seen EVERY kind of man cheat. Men one would NEVER assume would dare step out on their wife, to men you expect it from. Because of this, I am having an insanely hard time being able to trust this wonderful man. I have yet to inflict my crazy brain on him, I work real hard to have a buffer zone between him and my crazy (I talk it out with friends, or just suffer alone in silence) and so far its ALWAYS turned out to be me just being crazy. Even though he has no idea I had been going through this mental/emotional turmoil, I always feel badly about it, and am always sorry that I would put my issues on this good man. Also, because of my crazy brain, I know I keep him at arms length in some ways, and feel like I am giving him mixed messages, and I think I have hurt his feelings a few times  

Anyway, I don't really know what I am looking for from you all, I am just afraid there is no hope for me to be normal in a relationship. Things are still pretty new with us, so I am hoping that I will relax into it better and realize that this guy is here for me.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Does he know of your past as an escort? If so, maybe you can tell him what you're telling us here to start the conversation with him. 

As a guy who has never cheated, I can tell you that there are plenty of guys like me out there. There's no reason your guy can't be one either. 

The other thing I might suggest is getting into counseling, because maybe a professional might help you better understand how your past is affecting your present and future because it's not fair to your guy to project your past onto him.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Does he know of your past as an escort? If so, maybe you can tell him what you're telling us here to start the conversation with him.
> 
> As a guy who has never cheated, I can tell you that there are plenty of guys like me out there. There's no reason your guy can't be one either.
> 
> The other thing I might suggest is getting into counseling, because maybe a professional might help you better understand how your past is affecting your present and future because it's not fair to your guy to project your past onto him.


:iagree:


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

You have not actually seen "every kind of man cheat." You have only seen the kinds of men that would go to an escort and cheat, by definition. You may have seen some surprises, but believe me, there are many men out there who would never cheat, never go to an escort. And you never ran into them, because, well, they never went to an escort.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

As others have said, you've seen those men because you were a part of that environment. It'll be common to see cheating husbands there, though it isn't common away from that scenario.

What I'd suggest is to trust slowly but surely. Learn how to connect and talk with your significant other on a deeper level and establish a friendship. 
You wouldn't hurt a good friend, right? It's a very similar principal. 

Your partner won't hurt you if he doesn't want to, and from what it sounds like, you have a great man!

What you've seen is scarring, though trust can be re-established, and that could be a goal for you. Communicate, have fun, and get personal with your partner, and naturally, this will begin to happen.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening illbehisfoolagain
Pretty much what everyone is saying. As an escort you saw a very pre-selected group of men and that has given you a distorted perspective. A parole officer might develop a low view of humanity because he is constantly dealing with criminal. I chiropractor might well think that nearly everyone has back problems.

Trusting is hard, but its worth it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I remember, my ex-wife had the same history as yours as well. I'm glad that you've finally found someone 

As for your fear, yes, it's very real, you've seen it, you've experienced it. Unfortunately, you can never truly be sure, just how it is. You can't really rid yourself of this fear, you can only manage it, it's part of life - everyone fears.

All I can say is trust in your instincts, but don't let this fear cloud it. It's easier said then done, but find others to support you, not just your new BF, but a support network, one that you too can trust, to help stabilise you when your emotions get the better of you, those who can help keep you grounded.

Personally I find TAM good for that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Look at it this way - someone in law enforcement might think anyone can be a criminal and be jaded in that regard.

Have you sought counseling? I think perhaps some IC would help you get past your distrust. Also, it can be very enlightening to read here - it's amazing the wonderful men come here who would never cheat, who love their women's imperfect post-child bodies, who want nothing more than to protect and love their wives. None of us are perfect and some of the guys don't know how to show it and have troubles of their own but VERY FEW of them desire to cheat.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If you have been an escort in the past and have seen it all, this life experience should prove valuable in helping you watch for signs *if* he is looking to have his sexual needs met elsewhere. In the meantime you can also convey to him the problems that most men have and why they choose to seek out another women and the two of you can work through that when and if needed. 

I think your problem is that you have seen too much reality where as other people are naive. And yes, sometimes it is better to go through life ignorant and unaware of what goes on in reality so that you can keep the fairytale alive. But in reality, you actually may have a set of advanced experiences and knowledge that could prove helpful. 

Best wishes...


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I appreciate all your answers. We are really good, so far, at being open and talking about things. He knows about the escorting and stuff in my past. I don't want to even let him know that I have this total distrust of men though. I know that would be a huge turn off for him, he is very mentally stable and I know that he thinks I am too and thats part of what he likes about me, and don't get me wrong, for the most of it, I am. Its just this one thing really. I have told him that things get rough for me in my head sometimes, but made it out as kind of a joke too. I also think that a huge part of it, is that he is by far the best lover I have ever had, ever. I am thinking its somehow adding to my insecurities and making me feel fairly possessive too LOL. 

My friends keep telling me to just relax and enjoy it, and stop over thinking everything, and I know they are right, and I am so trying! When we are together its really fun. We just don't get to see each other that much because we don't live that near each other (met at a party at a mutual friends). I am seeing him this weekend for the first time in like 2 weeks because I was out of town for a while, and we will be spending the most time together this time than ever, so it should be pretty telling of how things are going I am guessing Lol.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If he is able to cope with your past why not your insecurities from your past. Mrs. Conan has a big junk box of a past. Part of me accepting her is helping her deal with her feelings about her past as well.

I know your feelings might not be in line with logic but looking objectively at your situation, couldn't he have some trust issues about you as well?

IC could help. I think anyone strong enough to be with you can handle your emotions as well. 

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Not everyone will agree, but to me it is better to trust and be betrayed then to never have trusted.

Lets say I find out this evening that my wife has been having an affair. Does that really cancel the half a lifetime I've spent trusting her and being happy?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> The problem I am having is that because of my past as an escort, and just my past in general, I have seen EVERY kind of man cheat. Men one would NEVER assume would dare step out on their wife, to men you expect it from. Because of this, I am having an insanely hard time being able to trust this wonderful man.


THAT is the surprising part of your post,,, that you seem surprised that men from all walks of life cheat. Did you think plumbers,, or guys who're 5'9" were immune to temptation? I think you've latched onto this cuz it's the best you can come up with but, while I'm sure it plays a part, I suspect more common causes,, plus some unique to your escorting.

Not always but frequently those entering the 'sex industry' by choice already have abandonment/trust/rejection/commitment issues. Being abused, witnessing domestic violence, parents divorcing, parent/sibling deaths, etc.

Maybe that's you,, maybe it's just your work experience. Likely,, elements of both.

Escorting - You're paid to be a perfect date. Bad day, too miserable, you might lose a tip or even not get paid at all.

So,, you're 'perfect', yet no matter how perfect you are they scuttle home to their wives and you're left alone,, or abandoned. That's the 'contract',, you get used to it,, but you become accustomed to accepting it. All the while,, the commonalities or acceptance of a regular relationship are becoming alien to you.

Complicating matters further,, you don't get used to that the same way a doctor gets used to 'gore'. You're engaging in short term bonding rituals that end with rejection. Each time you do it puts 'regular' dating that bit further beyond your reach.

Significant brain areas are dedicated to bonding. The process itself affected by chemical and hormonal changes.

Your 'commitment' to a rapid bonding/rejection cycle has, essentially, reprogrammed you to accept that norm.

If you started feeling 'angsty' within a couple of weeks of realising you'd found Mr Wonderful, it wouldn't be unusual, given that it IS unusual for you.

You've had no recent (or any) practise at long term dating PLUS,, you've programmed yourself with the certainty that it'll end any minute.

Your brain is confused. Consciously you want to proceed but your subconscious lack of experience with long term and cumulative short term acceptance are screaming 'caution'.

The good news - If this angst stems from the escorting alone you'll overcome it just by hanging in there and undoing all the short cycle damage.


Not so good - If it goes back further to childhood or unfortunate teenage dating experiences,, you'll probably need therapy to dig out the specifics and get some coping strategies in place. 

Either way,, you're doing OK. You're just panicky cuz it's new to you and especially strange cuz your profession has distanced you from the natural bonding process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Holy crap FlyingDutchman, you really hit on some intense points for me, things I didnt even realize, but are so obvious to me now that you point them out. Like, pretty much everything, except, I was never abused, and at the time, had never had a parent or a sibling die. Really spot on. You gave me lots to think about and reflect on. Thanks for saying I am doing OK too LOL. I guess I am just way far out of my comfort zone.

You really made me laugh with your second sentence. LOL I don't know. Sometimes, despite it all, I feel so naive sometimes.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Great post FD. I recognize the rapid bonding/rejection cycle in me. Thanks for that phrasing.

Op, what made you choose a life of escorting?

What made you chose to stop?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Blossom I was lonely, bored, and sick of being used and left feeling like total garbage by the men I had been so far giving it away to for free. I figured, its basically the same emotional connection on both ends (none), and at least with escorting I will be leaving with Something (some hundreds of $$$ never hurt anything). I wasn't an escort for long periods of time ever, but its something that I Have gone back to a few times, briefly. The one therapist I went to, told me that he thought it was a "healthy" decision on my part, to put some sort of value on my sex. I wasnt sure I agreed with him and only went to 3 sessions with him before i realized he maybe didnt have my best interest at heart. 

Most recently was a few months ago, after some years of not. It was the only time things didnt go well for me. In the end, he didnt have all the money he said he did, and he was acting very entitled and very much like a biatch about it all. I can't say that I would never do it again, if the circumstances were wrong, if I was feeling lonely and low/depressed enough, for a long enough period of time, and I needed the money, I would probably go back to it. 

Of course I would much rather have a real, loving relationship, but things don't always work out in my favor LOL.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thanks for being vulnerable.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You got to let that past go girl if you want a good future. You have to become a quality woman to attract and keep a quality man.

If you ever want to be a wife and mother, you have to leave the prostitute behind. "She" is not qualified for being a wife and mother. Lay "her" to rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> You got to let that past go girl if you want a good future. You have to become a quality woman to attract and keep a quality man.
> 
> If you ever want to be a wife and mother, you have to leave the prostitute behind. "She" is not qualified for being a wife and mother. Lay "her" to rest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
Here is a link for a book dealing with the past. 
Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries The Sexually Confident Wife - Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries

Your relationship is off to a good start just by being honest about your past. Best of luck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Honestly I think you should stop bringing up your escort past, if ex-wife and I handled our issues different we would still be together but to this day I still consider her a good wife and she continues to be the only woman I trust with the upbringing of my daughter.

You mentioned you already found someone, and he doesn't give a sh-t, it's a start for something that you want; a loving relationship. Others have given you great advice on how your perspective needs to change in regards to men even though its quite understandable based on what you have seen but when it comes to your past its something you need to accept and put behind you.

10 years... is quite a long time though in the trade, just take your time, no rush.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

We just spent a long weekend together. We had a really wonderful time and I feel a lot better about things  We talk a lot and are very open about everything. I still havnt really told him how insecure I get, but I think that in time that will fade anyway so I think not saying is an ok move so far


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Though this is good, I would dig deeper into the garbage feelings you had when men left you before you entered the trade. Do you have a professional counselor you trust to help you do that?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

No, no counselor or therapist. I keep coming back to flying dutchmans post, and it helps a lot. I keep wanting to write a long response about it, but then I dont lol. I feel like I could write a novel about it all though Lol. 

The guy and I have also talked more about being exclusive, so that makes me feel more secure with it all too. I have also been sure that he understands that this is the first real relationship I have had in many years. Overall I am feeling a bit more positive about it, it helps to have more perspective on my issues for sure.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If you ever feel ready to do that, know you have a cheerleader out here who believes it to be worth your while and cheering you on!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thank you. I might start writing on it then


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> Thank you. I might start writing on it then


lol - If it's a novel's worth,, one chapter at a time would be dandy.

You might well find that just writing it out helps you. Only post what you're comfortable with.

If you're hanging in there dating the good guy, you're doing fine. Undoing learned behaviours and emotions.

Nothing 'wrong' with you. Just a late learner cuz xx years of escorting have interrupted the usual 'steps'. Don't fret about it. You're fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Not everyone will agree, but to me it is better to trust and be betrayed then to never have trusted.
> 
> Lets say I find out this evening that my wife has been having an affair. Does that really cancel the half a lifetime I've spent trusting her and being happy?


I feel bad threadjacking, but I do have to disagree, because, actually, yes, being cheated on DOES negate the whole history of the marriage. Being cheated on makes you feel unworthy of respect, makes you doubt your ability to judge anybody, and most of all, makes you reflect on all those years of supposed happiness and trust and taints every single second of it.

This was my experience, at least, when I found out that my ex had cheated on me for years, and had been lying to me and manipulating me the whole relationship, starting with convincing me to get married in the first place.

So fear of infidelity is a real thing because of how much it can damage you as a person.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Fear. One of my most favorite, amazingly strong and smart women I have ever had the privilege in life to know said that fear is one of two things in life that will hold us back. I am trying to remember what the other thing was now too, dang it. I can't let fear hold me back from what I feel is the only thing missing from my life. I just can't forget that I have been thinking for so long now, that I have so, SO much in life, pretty much everything anyone could ever want, except a good man that I can be proud of to share it with. Now, here I am faced with having a good man I can be proud of, to share it with, and I can't let silly FEAR ruin it for me! Right now this fear is still owning me, but I am knowing it only exists within me because I allow it. Its losing its strength over me though. 

I have been doing a lot of desk work today, and have had time to think and write stuff. 

My overall angst with love and relationships goes way, way back to my early teenager years. The man (boy, we were both teenagers but he was a few years older) I gave my virginity to, had been in a long term relationship. I had loved him from the day I met him, and knew right then that he was the one who I wanted to have my virginity. Unfortunately I am shy and not as pretty as other girls and he picked someone closer to his age, who was more outgoing and prettier than me. We became very close friends anyway, and he started courting me and though I felt truly awful about it, I loved the attention because I loved him. I am sure this is why he decided to go after me in the first place, I am sure it was obvious that I was a sure thing lol. He worked hard to plan so we could be alone together for a night, and we made love. The next time I saw him two days later, he told me he as moving out of state. I was devastated on so many levels. I saw him once more when him and his girl came to visit friends in town (the same one he cheated on to be with me the first time), and he made sure we got to be alone and tried to get it on with me immediately and I was so hurt by how the friendship and love had been seemingly replaced by sex, I turned him down and left quickly, heartbroken. All along I thought he was a guy who loved me and then all of a sudden I was just something for him to put his D in. We actually reconnected later in life, and he was there for me (sort of, through Facebook) though a VERY difficult time in life. I did tell him how things went down had hurt me so badly, and he was very sorry. He was so great during my bad time in life, I am very thankful and like to think that damage has been repaired. But he was/is married so it was still weird, and bad on both of our parts. I am guessing his wife eventually didnt like it and he had to close his page down. He told me it had nothing to do with me, and I would really like to believe that, but I don't really. 

Then, when I was 17, I had my 2nd major heartbreak, and that is when I was pretty gave up on love. I had spent the last 2 years spending nearly every day with a man who was some older than me (in his mid 20s). He lived near the high school and I would skip school and go hang out with him. Lots of times he would make me go to school, and him and his friends would help me with my homework. I always felt like he took really good care of me, he made good food, and made sure I had good drugs when I wanted them, or that I didnt drink too much, and was safe when I did. He was a drug dealer, its how I met him, I was a wild teenager and my parents didnt really care what I was up to LOL. Overall I really felt that cared for me a lot. I loved him, and respected him and trusted him wholly and fully. I think I loved him for real, it sure felt real to me. Since he was older than me, I knew he was waiting, because he didnt want to risk going to jail for statuary rape. He would put his arm around my shoulder sometimes, and we would hug, and everyone could tell the love was there, but I assumed we both felt like we could be in it for the long run, so waiting till I was 18 wasn't a big deal. When I was 17 and a half though, out of the blue one day, he got all romantic and said nice and loving things and told me he wanted nothing more than to kiss me. I was thrilled, I was scared, my heart was racing and I felt like I was electric. He was my 4th boyfriend, and would be the 3rd man I would have sex with, and not even my first time did I feel like this. After spending almost every day with him for 2 years, I was ready to have him be the man that I loved maybe for the rest of my life. In our embrace i told him that I really liked him. He drew away, and coldly told me, "You don't even know me" and then grabbed me and kissed me hard. It literally made my blood run cold. I had no idea what he meant, and still don't. Very soon after that he got caught dealing. He came to my house after that and told me he was leaving town forever, but needed to have me just once. It was the worst sex I had ever had, I think because I was so gutted emotionally about it all. After he left, I didnt have sex again for a whole year, and then when I did start again, it was always very high risk sex with random men. 

At one point I was regularly hooking up with my then best friends, husbands friend. He was married, but then they separated and then he moved in with my friend and her husband so naturally we were together daily. I thought we were a couple but then one night he told me he was going to start Offcially dating his wife again, but wanted to keep me until they figured it out. I got angry and hurt by that, and it was our biggest fight we ever had. Things didnt end up working out that way between them, they went on like 2 dates, and I think because I didnt really care about him that much anymore but liked the sex we had together, I took him back. He was a good enough boyfriend for a while, very attentive and always brought me and my mom and sister flowers and stuff, but we never once did go out on a real date even after we had been together. 

In fact, I have yet to go on a real "First Date" like with a guy I havnt already been having sex with. Not even with this wonderful man I am with now. One of the first times we hung out, he asked me when the last time I went on a first date was. I avoided answering LOL. Its one of those things now for me. He wanted to take me out the night we got it on the first time (not the first time we had hung out), and I panicked because thats what I do, and because I was in the moment and its hard for me to not just default back to my original settings lol, you know what I did? I pretty much just jumped him and we got it on for the rest of the night instead. Not that either of us minded LOL, but looking back, its sad for me that I was too uncomfortable at the idea of going out. That is SO weird to me. I feel like I would be sad if it was a friend sitting here telling me this story about herself. 

There is no point in listing all of them, but I definitely see how my past set me up to be able to easily step into escorting as it was just another way for me to branch out and stay in my comfort zone of being damaged. Parts of it felt so extreme, and it did scare me a little too. I knew I was putting myself at risk every time, even though I only had a few guys I would see repeatedly, as I considered taking on more clients, I was doing reading on staying safe as an escort, and all the little things to look for, the red flags, it made me so paranoid. Too many stories of men who were ok the first few times, and then let their crazy lose on girls once they get them feeling safe, stuff like that really got to me. I developed major anxiety revolving around sex. I actually have had anxiety attacks since I was a little kid, but didnt know thats what it was until a couple years ago when I had one so bad that I ended up in the hospital twice for it. Anyway, I got such bad anxiety about sex and that is why I ultimately stopped escorting because I felt like I had walked away safely too many times and used up all my good luck, and the anxiety was ruining my life in a serious way. 

I couldnt even think about sex without throwing up, literally. I didnt even touch a man for over 2 years, and when I did open up to it again, I was lucky to find an understanding man. We talked and made out a lot, and that was it. He was patient and understanding when I spent more time running to the bathroom and dry heaving then we spent kissing the first few times. He was married, and though not my first married man, after him I found myself on a married man streak, which I did realize recently that was just another symptom of my attachment issues. 

Married men were safe because they kept me in my comfort zone of, how you so perfectly put it, rapid bonding/rejection cycle. I was with more married men not escorting, than escorting. All the same still apply though, maybe even more so, because when its for free, they start out coming on SOOO strong and charismatic and attentive, especially in the last two years while I Have been wanting to heal myself and be in loving relationships. I don't know if its because I am more vulnerable and I feel it more, or if because I am more vulnerable and it draws bigger jerks or what, but in the last 2 years I have really felt like men have worked so hard to interject themselves into my life, simply to totally mess with my head and heart. 

At any rate, I see now how its all the same issues, I just acted out in different wrong ways, but all very similar. 

The good thing is that I am not incapable of bonding or loving and nurturing. I work with animals for a living and spend my days training and taking care of them. So that involves lots of bonding, trust, understanding, commitment, and most of all, tons of love! My guy says I am so cuddly (he's not complaining lol) and I don't think he realizes that I am used to cuddling beasts and critters all day long LOL.

ETA! Oh dang, I can't believe I forgot to start at pretty much the very beginning of my disillusionment with men. When I was 13, one of my best friends from the apt. building my dad lived at, had kind of imposed ourselves on these kind of nerdy college guys who liked to do drugs and drink. We knew they would be easy to use LOL. Terrible, we were terrible kids really. Anyway, I was NOT into being sexual at that point, but there was this one guy who was incredibly good looking. Late one night my friend was hooking up with her boyfriend she made out of the group of guys, and somehow me and gorgeous man ended up on the couch. I was 14 then, and he was at least 10 years older than me, and engaged to an amazingly beautiful woman. He was kissing and petting on me, he kept wanting me to go to the bedroom with him and I was way too embarrassed about sex to even respond to kissing him back or anything, I literally just laid there with my arms crossed. I was super freaked out by the fact that he would so easily cheat on his beautiful fiancé. If he hadn't been being SO rough and hurting me quite a bit (again I was too embarrassed to say anything, and he was clearly very excited to have a chance to be a perv and be with a very young girl) I probably would have gone with, and lost my virginity to him and totally regretted it my whole life no doubt. Anyway, I asked him "Are you SURE you want to cheat on your beautiful fiancé?" And he like, Woke up basically and said "No, no I don't" and kissed me again and ran out the door and none of us ever saw him again. He totally quit hanging out with the group completely. That of course, made me feel horrible, here, we had been friends, and then, gone completely forever. So yeah, basically right from the start, things have been like that for me. I don't think it can be anything but some sort of self sabotaging thing since it has happened to me over and over, constantly lol. Its some sort of self fulfilling prophecy or something. I mean, it can't really be them all the time right? Its something that I am making happen, somehow I am sure. 

I just really, really REALLY don't want to pull whatever disappearing magic trick on this wonderful man I am with now!


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Perhaps this can help. An honest person is an open book and accountable to the people he loves. He/She does not hide what he/she does. Everything he/she does is in the light of day. He/She does not use "right of privacy" except when going to the crapper or changing clothes in front of strangers. He/She is forthcoming even with things he/she is not proud of.

If your new guy is a poster boy for the descriptions depicted in the previous paragraph, then its a safe bet that you can relax and offer him your trust. Just make sure that you also possess those same qualities.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

It's here.


Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I was a wild teenager and my parents didnt really care what I was up to LOL.


It explains falling in love quickly and easily - seeking affection - then with the older guy - approval.

A thirst for affection and approval clouded your judgement as to whether these guys were really a good match for you.

Secondly, because you believed and invested in the idea that you'd 'found it',, what were, actually, fairly standard rejections were, to you, devastating.

Missing or remote affection from one or both parents > looking for and finding 'love' in all the wrong places > understandable but fairy tale expectations dashed by reality.


No need for 'abuse',, misguided or distant parenting can fùck you up every bit as much.

Your crushed self wandered into escorting cuz you'd given up on emotional investment which has further messed with 'normal' bonding.

The problem, as I initially suspected, was 'installed' much earlier.

Thing is,, you're seemingly in a good relationship now,, and there's nothing to say you have your 'love blinkers' on again. You describe a good guy,, not a psycho that you're blind to.

So, the 'cure' remains the same. Hang in there and learn to trust your judgement. It may still be a little skewed due to what I just described,, but you're older and wiser and it should be better.

Best place to focus isn't those early 'bad' relationships,,, but your unfulfilled needs that led you into them. Then, how your unrealistic expectations meant you found the demise of those relationships devastating rather than merely upsetting.

It explains why a part of you is reluctant to invest fully with the good guy. That part expects to get burnt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I have to admit, its pretty intense for me to see it laid out like that. Thank you FD! My man is really smart and intuitive and picks up on things and I hope that he is as good as you are. Its going to be helpful for me in the long run if he is lol. 

Everything you have wrote makes so much sense.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Things are still going well, really well. I am sure its moving way too fast, but he is moving in with me at the end of the month. It wasn't like "I love you so much, move in with me" and we for sure aren't in love yet or anything LOL, but it just was kind of like he could stay in the town he was in, or move here, and we both wanted him to be here. So, I guess, stay tuned, I am either making a good life decision based on what the heart wants, or making one of the most colossal mistakes of my lifetime. LOL!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Sounds like great news.

Just remember that the goal of relationships is that everyone be happy. If you are both happy, then you are not making a mistake. If you find that either of you is becoming unhappy, and there is no good solution, then you can end it on friendly terms. Relationships don't NEED to last a lifetime - but some do, and if this is one if them, that's wonderful.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

How long have you been together?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

richard you are SO right!

Sandie, a relatively short time LOL.

The one thing that keeps me feeling really good about it all, is that we have the same goals for the more immediate, and long term futures, and I already feel like we have joined together and that he supports me in my endeavors. I like it lol.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

You sshouldn't rush to move in together it can ruin EVERYTHING


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

LOL! Trust me, I know this! LOL! We both know this, and we both know we are rushing things. We are also both holding onto a lot of faith that we both really like each other, and both want this to work. Like I said, it really seems like we are both on the same page with immediate and future goals, and have already really joined together to get the immediate goals progressing. I feel like its going to be OK, and surprisingly many of my close friends are for it, and have much positive things to say about it, so that helps me feel like its not a real bad decision lol.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

The sheer number of times you use the acronym "LOL" in your postings makes me concerned that you don't even have a mature grasp on what's actually involved in a committed relationship.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I don't mean to be rude, but that really made me laugh! Of all the things I have said, its the LOLs that make you think I am possibly emotionally immature! That made me LOL for reals, LOL! 

I totally agree though, in a lot of ways I am emotionally immature, but I think this man is going to stick around is strong and man enough to help me grow as a person in the ways that I am maybe a bit immature. We talk lots, and I am very open with him and we have had conversations about all of this. He seems more than willing to take it all on. He is a very strong type of man, very sure of himself. I think no matter what, if it doesnt last forever, I am going to come out of this a better person


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening secondtimeround
Sometimes I think people work too hard at relationships. Sometimes simply having fun and enjoying being with each other is enough. 

If the relationship is good, it will grow naturally. If it is bad then it isn't worth working hard to keep it together.

QUOTE=SecondTime'Round;12356586]The sheer number of times you use the acronym "LOL" in your postings makes me concerned that you don't even have a mature grasp on what's actually involved in a committed relationship.[/QUOTE]


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Thats a really beautiful way to put it Richard!


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> LOL! Trust me, I know this! LOL! We both know this, and we both know we are rushing things.


You KNOW you are probably making a mistake!

Too much stress on each other!

Why not wait?

So what your close friends are for it? They aren't therapists!


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

^ Thank god! After reading a few of her replies, I was like "No this person has to be a troll" LOL! 

I had an extremely difficult and stressful day the other day, and this man proved himself to be quite worthy  That horrible day would have been close to unbearable but he was so helpful and supportive. Its so strange for me to have a good man in my life! He tells me often how much he likes me, well, we tell each other that, but usually he is the first one to say it. Awww!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I went through the same thing when I met my H. I was not accustomed to such intense intentional support.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

I figured i would pop in and give you all an update. A month and a half in to living together, and things are going really well! I have had a couple of rough patches getting used to being with a total workaholic, but I still find myself liking him more and more  I think I am doing VERY well mentally and emotionally, I do my best to be really open and honest about what is going on in my brain, and it seems to be a good policy to stick with lol. Overall, I am feeling like I am pretty well cut out to be in a relationship these days


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