# Control, strength and weakness in marraige



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Imagine "A" is what is typically though of as strong, happy to tolerate all sorts of bad conditions, easily made content, physically fit and healthy.

"B" is what is typically though of as weak. Only happy in limited circumstances, intolerant of physical or mental hardship. Prone to bouts of physical disability.

Often "B" controls the relationship. Because they are able to tolerate a much narrower range of situations that "A", they effectively decide what the couple does and doesn't do.

I've seen this in some relationships, and was wondering if others have noticed it as well.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Ya, in your case, A+B typically = C.

Simple math.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's very typical that the person with the narrowest set of 'acceptable' sets the boundaries. Sometimes that's fine, but it needs to be balanced.

For example, I like the TV loud, but the volume hurts her ears. We can compromise, I let her turn it down to a 'comfortable' level for her and if I can't hear the dialog well put on the closed captioning (yes, I've had my ears checked and have minor hearing loss). However, if we are listening to music (actively listening, not just on in the background) she leaves it loud for me. Because music is more than lyrics, and to fully appreciate I want to feel it in my bones. 

Now, if she starts turning down the music every time a song comes on she doesn't like, that moves into controlling. I'll offer her a set of earplugs, or she can go do something in the other room. I still want to enjoy the song.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I think what you are getting at is the common knowledge that in any negotiation:

*He who cares the least has all the control!*

So if you asked me to go snow tubing with you, and it was something that I do not really care to do, then I have 100% control over my decision to go or to not go. Odds are my decision will ultimately impact you because you only care about going snow tubing and need someone to go with you so it can be more fun. Because I do not care one way or the other, there would be NOTHING you could do to change my mind, which gives me 100% control over my decision not to go. 

Does that make sense?

Badsanta


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There's an old adage that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." That's as true in a relationship as in anything else. The one who has the most needs, the least tolerance, and/or is most willing to express their needs or intolerance, usually ends up being the one in control of the relationship. I find that particularly true if the other partner has a very laid back personality.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There's another saying... "You're only as happy as your saddest kid."

In marriage, you're only as happy, strong or in control as the weakest spouse. Or, at least never as happy, strong in control as you can be.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Rowan said:


> There's an old adage that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease." That's as true in a relationship as in anything else. The one who has the most needs, the least tolerance, and/or is most willing to express their needs or intolerance, usually ends up being the one in control of the relationship. I find that particularly true if the other partner has a very laid back personality.


Can others admit this.. I am most certainly the squeakly wheel in our marriage.. my husband is naturally / temperamentally more laid back over me. 

There are a # of things I would not tolerate well.. addictions, drinking, lying.. laziness...this doesn't mean I am an over bearing Mama brow beating my spouse into serving me.. 

He's just as much against the same things I am.. though he'd tolerate and probably give more GRACE than I would be able to do- in certain situations..... I'd squeak the wheel where he'd have more patience...I've always been the more "assertive" over his being more naturally "passive". 

How we handled our higher sex drives was a great example of this.. He was Mr Patience, passive just waiting for me to come around.. he lived with it.... Me... Not so much.. I had a fire under me to get things rolling, turn up the heat, get what I wanted..but (and this is a BIG BUT)...it mattered that he was happy too.. 

Even if my personality can border on the "Type A" side at times... I do care that my other half is happy (and with me, my attitude.. or I will need to make adjustments, find our way back to each other).. I need authentic Romance.. something true.. I want US to thrive. 

If not...I'd feel guilty, like an ogre, I wouldn't be happy either!!.. It has to be a mutual experience .. I would find no joy brow beating someone just to get my needs met.. if they had any resentment towards me at all. I'd want to root it out.. seek to please them too...so we can get back to the good.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is my marriage to a tee. She's the B and I'm the A. She controls the relationship because her constant negativity fills the room and needs to be satisfied before order can be restored. It tortures the kids and me with all the negative energy we're constantly having to endure.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sometimes the person who cares the most has control. 

Imagine A and B above are going to buy a car. A doesn't care, A thinks a car is just a tool to get to work. B has "requirements", B wants something sporty with leather seats, and from certain status brands, and red. 

Since A doesn't really care, they get what B wants.


Or A and B are discussing vacations. A is happy going to the beach, or the mountains, or cities, or desert. B says that the mountains are cold and wet, they will be bored in the desert, cities are too stressful and crowded, so they go the the beach which B wants. 


Of course this only matters if A cares about B's happiness - and if that is what you mean by "cares" then I do agree.




badsanta said:


> I think what you are getting at is the common knowledge that in any negotiation:
> 
> *He who cares the least has all the control!*
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uhtred said:


> Sometimes the person who cares the most has control.
> 
> Imagine A and B above are going to buy a car. *A doesn't care, A thinks a car is just a tool to get to work. B has "requirements"*, B wants something sporty with leather seats, and from certain status brands, and red.
> 
> ...


Great scenario... *A* = my husband.. easy going, easy to please.. pretty content guy ...when it comes to vacations.. this is what he says.. "so long as we're together, I'm happy".... Me.. I'm the more particular *B*..... I like to get off in the country somewhere.. find a luxurious cabin in the woods with a hot tub under a tree or something.. I do all the research.. find vacation spots on  Trip advisor.com  ... he's thankful I handle it all...

I'm Happy he's up for anything I want to do!!.. he always tells me afterwards, I did well, it was a good time.. I try to find new places.. new adventures.. 

Truth is.. if I waited for him to choose something.. we'd never go anywhere! 

There are few things he will protest ...he doesn't like roller coasters, so I need someone else to ride those with (handy having teens!).... and he doesn't care for my Rock concerts (he'll go but he's also happy if someone else fills his place, our kids go!)...he finds the groups I like on the obnoxious side, and although I love a Chinese buffet.. he'll pass.. so I avoid those if we're together.. 

I do seek out what he wants to do..so it's not all ME getting what I want.. He's into metal detecting.. I found a Camp Ground in another state that holds a once a year Metal detecting weekend.. we went to that.. .. our kids got to enter some metal detecting contests.. it was something different.. up his alley.. 

He's always wanted to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra...








...

So I grabbed some tickets for that when they hit our area ... they do an awesome light show...so I make sure to seek out what he wants too...

When it comes to vehicles.. all we both care about is reliability.. since he's the one who ends up working on them.. He needs to check the vehicle out up & down.... so we don't buy a lemon..


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Sometimes the person who cares the most has control.
> 
> Imagine A and B above are going to buy a car. A doesn't care, A thinks a car is just a tool to get to work. B has "requirements", B wants something sporty with leather seats, and from certain status brands, and red.
> 
> Since A doesn't really care, they get what B wants.


Actually, they BOTH get what they want. Which is a critically different POV. A gets their tool to get to work and B gets the sports car. In the same vehicle. Isn't that a wonderful solution?

Unless there is something else about this transaction that is not being disclosed, this is not controlling at all.

People who think of marriage in terms of "control" instead of "needs met" are bound to run into difficulties, IMO.

Good luck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is true if A doesn't care at all. If A cares a little, but B cares a lot, it doesn't work as well. 

I guess a critical question is how B reacts when A does care about something. Do they give in even if it isn't what they want, because A has always done what B wants, or do they out of habit still try to get what they want?




sapientia said:


> Actually, they BOTH get what they want. Which is a critically different POV. A gets their tool to get to work and B gets the sports car. In the same vehicle. Isn't that a wonderful solution?
> 
> Unless there is something else about this transaction that is not being disclosed, this is not controlling at all.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

An interesting experiment: some time ask where he wants to go on vacation and let him make the decisions if he is willing to. He may really not get anywhere, or you may find that he does know what he wants, he just doesn't care much and is putting his priority on making you happy. (you may have already tried this of course). 

It is possible to prefer X over Y for yourself but still prefer Y if your partner will be happier with that. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> Great scenario... *A* = my husband.. easy going, easy to please.. pretty content guy ...when it comes to vacations.. this is what he says.. "so long as we're together, I'm happy".... Me.. I'm the more particular *B*..... I like to get off in the country somewhere.. find a luxurious cabin in the woods with a hot tub under a tree or something.. I do all the research.. find vacation spots on  Trip advisor.com  ... he's thankful I handle it all...
> 
> I'm Happy he's up for anything I want to do!!.. he always tells me afterwards, I did well, it was a good time.. I try to find new places.. new adventures..
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uhtred said:


> An interesting experiment: some time ask where he wants to go on vacation and let him make the decisions if he is willing to. He may really not get anywhere, or you may find that he does know what he wants, he just doesn't care much and is putting his priority on making you happy. *(you may have already tried this of course).
> *
> It is possible to prefer X over Y for yourself but still prefer Y if your partner will be happier with that.


Oh I have ! ... I have asked every which way (in other areas too -like sex)... I have even had little spats with him that he's too darn easy to please.... challenge me, da** it ...give me ideas ! 

I give him plenty of opportunity to share , and express.. as I like to ask many open ended questions.. Ok.. he's in the other room.. so I went to ask.. 

1st he said ... "No where".... right now he's worried he's going to get laid off so that's not a top priority..(we have an Ocean city vacation planned next month)... I managed to get "Las Vegas" out of him.







... I told him to not think of me at all..* just what HE wants*..... then he says ... "I'm with @southbound ... I need to go hang out with Southbound".. I've told him about this poster here that sounds like him... content to just stay home.. ha ha 

So yeah.. I do try !


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OK, as long as you have tried, that is great. 

Some people really can't make decisions even when given the chance.






SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh I have ! ... I have asked every which way (in other areas too -like sex)... I have even had little spats with him that he's too darn easy to please.... challenge me, da** it ...give me ideas !
> 
> I give him plenty of opportunity to share , and express.. as I like to ask many open ended questions.. Ok.. he's in the other room.. so I went to ask..
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uhtred said:


> OK, as long as you have tried, that is great.
> 
> Some people really can't make decisions even when given the chance.


The man is very content.. we live on a beautiful piece of property though, many acres of privacy, far off the road, no neighbors.. it's like our own little Garden of Eden.. even I can understand not really caring to get away all that much, we're both country "homebodys"...

It's more me who wants to venture out, try some new experiences, now & then.. He said Las Vegas.. Oh come to think of it .. he's mentioned those natural *"Hot Springs"* before too... 

On my Bucket list is *The Grand Canyon* & seeing those *Redwoods in California*...that we can drive through...










.. that will have to be one trip.. he's never been on an Air plane yet in his 52 yrs... I haven't since I was 15.. Yeah.. someday.. we'll take that adventure.. I hope.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I love travel. The redwoods in CA really are fantastic - like something out of a fantasy story. I've traveled all over the world, and there is nothing like them. The best are in the north, near Crescent city. Some fantastic coastline there too. 

Grand canyon is great too - but its a long ways (2-3 days drive!) from from the redwoods - but near Las Vegas.

Funny, I've spent a huge percentage of my life on airplanes - probably 3000 hours, or 3 solid months. 








SimplyAmorous said:


> The man is very content.. we live on a beautiful piece of property though, many acres of privacy, far off the road, no neighbors.. it's like our own little Garden of Eden.. even I can understand not really caring to get away all that much, we're both country "homebodys"...
> 
> It's more me who wants to venture out, try some new experiences, now & then.. He said Las Vegas.. Oh come to think of it .. he's mentioned those natural *"Hot Springs"* before too...
> 
> ...


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## Mommywhatohnothing (May 30, 2016)

What if both partners are the same (both As or both Bs) or a mismatched combination of both?

My husband is physically healthy but emotionally weak. He gets his feelings hurt easily and tends to run away from problems. He can't hold a job for long because he doesn't play well with others.

I'm physically weak due to multiple health problems. But emotionally I'm the strong one. He makes more money but I'm the consistent provider. I've had to be strong despite my health issues because he falls apart when things go wrong.

So I'm an A emotionally but a B physically. He's just the opposite. We're both needy in our own ways. I would say he cared more about our physical relationship and my physical neediness because he ended up leaving me over those issues. I cared more about the emotional side of things and I was the one who tried to save the marriage right until he found himself another partner. I have to say other than the fact that it's hard for me to manage alone, I don't miss him as much as I feel like I probably should after 12 years together.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Interesting. So I'm A in all aspects and my wife is B and maybe this is what is really pissing me off!?

I always want to go and "Do" - be active, or go to dinner, have sex, or go hike. 

She is nearly always, "Eh, no I have some things I want to do around here'. 

I even look for things she would like to do, "let's go to a winebar and have a drink". She is just a drag, or maybe she doesn't want to do things with me - but it isn't like she is doing them on her own.

Most often I end up going with my buddies, or if it is for drinks I'll go with our friends and I'll be the only one without a spouse.

Hmmmm - interesting post to make me consider an aspect of our marriage I haven't yet - "Narrow Acceptance" concept.

What does piss me off is when she wants something she WILL go and do these things (once or for a short duration) to get the "thing" she wants.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I love travel. The redwoods in CA really are fantastic - like something out of a fantasy story. I've traveled all over the world, and there is nothing like them. The best are in the north, near Crescent city. Some fantastic coastline there too.
> 
> Grand canyon is great too - but its a long ways (2-3 days drive!) from from the redwoods - but near Las Vegas.
> 
> Funny, I've spent a huge percentage of my life on airplanes - probably 3000 hours, or 3 solid months.


Richardsons Grove is the one just outside of Crescent City.

There are agates on the beach you can hunt, too. 

I spent a ton of time there as a kid.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

uhtred said:


> That is true if A doesn't care at all. If A cares a little, but B cares a lot, it doesn't work as well.





> *A doesn't care, A thinks a car is just a tool to get to work.*


This^ is from your original post.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SA, there are very few trees that you can actually drive through and only then if your vehicle is narrow enough. When the trees were carved out, the cars were narrower than today. In 2013, I drove my friend's Hyundai sedan through and sweated bullets. She was keeping an eye out on the right for me and her husband was in front of us waving us on. It was an experience.

Sorry for the thread-jack.


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