# do they ever come back and make it work?



## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

My husband is having an affair - he still lives with me and the kids - he's what you call a cake eater.

His affair is only a month old and they are in the throws of passion, falling in love and the general fantasy land stuff you would expect.

I'm in pieces and had lots of advice on here so far but not made any decisions yet. Anyhow it feels like his "relationship" with the OW is becoming so powerful that he will leave me and the kids in the near future.

After the fantasy stage of an affair do things hit the ground with a reality bump for them? I know we can't see the future but (for the moment anyway) I live in hope that he will come back to me. Is this the stage they usually come back? I sound a bit like I'm kidding myself dont I???!!!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You made a previous thread and got plenty of advice there. Why not respond in it?

Also you are kidding yourself. In his current state you DON'T want him back. Because if he does leave and come back afterwards it won't have been for you, it will be because it didn't work out with OW.

And when that happens you'll just be the default, the plan B until OW #2 comes along and he'll leave you for her as well. 

Right now he has no respect for you, as long as this continues you pretty much are roommates who have sex rather than a married couple.

If you don't crack down on this affair, you are only giving him the greenlight to have as many as he chooses. 

You need to kick him out causes hes not gonna get anything through his head unless he sees some harsh actions. 

A call of counseling won't do the trick as that'll be more appeasement than consequence. You'll be surprised how many spouses about face when they have a stack of filed divorce papers infront of them or come home to their stuff packed in boxes on the lawn.

You want your husband yes, but he has to want you as well and just as much. Anything less isn't going to work out.

And you need to expose. Affairs thrive in darkness. Bring it to the light and let everyone know just how crappy their behavior is. 

Hiding the affair is only exacerbating it,and making you their accomplice.


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## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

I'm new to all this - never used a forum/chat room site before! should I delete this and add to my previous?


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Yes, you are. You are still in shock. This is normal. Do not allow him to be a cake eater. He has crossed a boundary that is unacceptable. You need to immediately detach yourself from him and get him out of your house. If he wants the posow then he can have her, but he can't have you too. 

Expose the affair to everyone you can. Her family and yours. I mean everyone. I am so sorry you are here. 

Read about the 180 on this site. It needs to be your new partner. Take care of yourself and your kids. More experts will soon help you. I, like you, am going thru the same thing except my ordeal started in Oct.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Well, at this point it won't really make much of a difference to go back to the previous thread except for the added narrative TAM posters could read. Just something to keep in mind for the future though. 

You post in one thread then everyone can read the full story and more adequately give you advice.

This thread is fine though so can start here.


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## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

thanks kasler!


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## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

can I link to my other post so people can see it? I have no clue how this works!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

flumoxed said:


> can I link to my other post so people can see it? I have no clue how this works!


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64389-agreeing-affair-continue.html


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64409-sooo-im-doormat-how-manage-180-a.html


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

My wife snapped out of her fog and went cold turkey from OM. So yes some people do see the light. Atleast she seen it before it was too late. That was a year and a half ago. After many MC things turned out for the better.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Yes, a small percentage do come back. 

Kasler is right on. Your husband will never come back to you as long as you continue on this path of indecision. You are trying to nice him out of his affair, give him all the sex he wants and be the perfect wife for him. It doesn't work that way. This will only allow him to continue his cake eating. If he and OW do break up, it's not because he chooses you. He already *has* you. You will be his backup plan until someone else comes along. 

You have never given him a serious ultimatum. So, of course he's going to cake eat. He is getting the best of both woman. Why would he want to change that?

Marriage builders does say you can try to nice WS out of the affair. But this can only be tried for a limited amount of time. After that, you must go to Plan B (The 180). Soooo, after a month I think it's time for you to put on your big girl panties and proceed with going nuclear; Kick him out, do 180, and expose them to all friends and family. 


Several posters have given you vital information. You still haven't done anything! :scratchhead: 
Your marriage is bleeding out and you are refusing to do anything to stop it. I just don't get it! Sit by and watch your marriage wither and die


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> My husband is having an affair - he still lives with me and the kids - he's what you call a cake eater.


 that's because you are allowing him to cake eat.
You are giving him all the sex he wants, he doesn't need to work, and you are allowing him to see and contact his affair partner. Why would he want to change?? Two woman fighting over him. 

His affair is only a month old and they are in the throws of passion, falling in love and the general fantasy land stuff you would expect. 



flumoxed said:


> I'm in pieces and had lots of advice on here so far but not made any decisions yet. Anyhow it feels like his "relationship" with the OW is becoming so powerful that he will leave me and the kids in the near future.


It's only a matter of time. He is in love with her. He's not in love with you. He is there because of guilt and the kids. Not because you are better. 



flumoxed said:


> After the fantasy stage of an affair do things hit the ground with a reality bump for them? I know we can't see the future but (for the moment anyway) I live in hope that he will come back to me. Is this the stage they usually come back? I sound a bit like I'm kidding myself dont I???!!!


You are kidding yourself. The fantasy stage of their relationship will not end until they start dating and living in the real world. This won't happen as long as she is his affair partner. In other words, you'd need to be out of the picture.


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## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

so, things have shifted a bit in the last 48 hours, he came back from his lastminute flit to see her and said he would no longer go anywhere near me and he would be sleeping on the sofa from now on and it wouldn't be long before big changes happened (assume he meant he was leaving)

This was all out of the blue and it turns out he was mega pissed at me for sending him a txt on New Years Eve where I thanked him to saying he loved me - she saw it and went mental!

Anyhow, as I had already decided to do the 180 I thought, good this makes it a whole lot easier. I told him I understood they are together and we are nothing, just parents, I said I would no longer snoop or make comments and he was free to do what he pleased.

The next bit I am not proud of, in the early hours of the morning he came to bed and thanked me for what I said and gave me a hug - one thing let to another and we had sex (I know, I know - BIG mistake)

Today I went to have a councelling session which was really helpful and has started making me realise that I am mourning a relationship which in my head was one thing but in reality was not all hearts and flowers - very far from it!

I still do love him but haven't told him for a good 48 hours (a record time so far) and today he has been all light hearted and joking with me on text.

I am trying to see a future without him and although I know it will happen, and probably soon, I'm struggling with the thought of it. I am trying to accept that we are over and there is no going back but it still hurts a great deal. I am trying to focus my energy on me rather than him or her and I want to make this transition as painless as possible for the kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's a controlling psycho - use that against her. Push her buttons, make her loose it, and it will scare him home.

Look, you do not want this woman anywhere near children. 

I don't know if the 180 is the right game to play here. 

I do know you need to see a lawyer ASAP. 

It also wouldn't hurt to get a pull background check on this chick. If she's controlling and psycho she may have a record or public history of bad actions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and there is any more sex with him - consider marking him in a way she can't help but notice - hicky on the neck or thigh or chest, and scratches on his back - you want to out him.

basically right now you are the OW to his skank, and she is jealous - use that!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Ok, I'm soory; but you are your own worst enemy. Find your spine and stand up for yourself and your children! See a lawyer today! Get the divorce filed and serve him today or tomorrow. STOP LETTING HIM have his way. And lock your bedroom door!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

flumoxed said:


> so, things have shifted a bit in the last 48 hours, he came back from his lastminute flit to see her and said he would no longer go anywhere near me and he would be sleeping on the sofa from now on and it wouldn't be long before big changes happened (assume he meant he was leaving)


Great! Wanna know the #1 best way to get him to stop cheating? Tell him you'll be making an appointment tomorrow for a lawyer. Let HIM stew for awhile. Get a lawyer on HIS DIME, and find out what your rights are. Set it up so that he has to pay you after he leaves. And then come home and tell him how much he owes you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told his parents yet that he's cheating on you? Do it RIGHT NOW. And any brothers or sisters that he has. CALL THEM RIGHT NOW. That's the second-best way to get him to stop cheating. Right now his ego's so big he can't get through the door, but a little b*tchfest from his family might help with that.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Call you boss, ask for the day.
File tomorrow, secure finances. Stop financing his affair.
Schedule STD test. No more sex from now on.

Implement, live the 180.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

flumoxed said:


> I told him I understood they are together and we are nothing, just parents, I said I would no longer snoop or make comments and he was free to do what he pleased.
> 
> The next bit I am not proud of, in the early hours of the morning he came to bed and thanked me for what I said and gave me a hug - one thing let to another and we had sex (I know, I know - BIG mistake)


 Wow you are making it so easy on him. You are also showing so little respect for yourself that he has no reason to respect you at all. Since the marraige is over anyways, you might as well go out with your head held high. Tell him today that you want a divorce ASAP so that you can move on with your life and find someone that knows what it means to be a real husband. Do not be mean or show emotions. If he says that he does not want a divorce right now or wants to think about it for any reason, be firm and say that the divorce can be nice or not nice but that you want a divorce right now. Tell him that an open marraige is immoral and not the lifestyle that you want to lead. Tell him that you want to know his terms so that you can show it to an attorney. Tell him that you want your own attorney because you do not want to get pushed around by him in the divorce and that you do not trust him to have your best interest at heart anymore. 

A divorce does not happen instantly so you can change your mind later, but it is important that you file now and mean it. Only think about changing your mind on your terms and if he begs. Get a killer attorney and learn your rights. You will be surprised. For instance you can get child support and alimony even once you move in with a new lover; someone that actually treats you nice and puts you first. You may not believe this now, but you can do better and you can be happy.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You'll find that standing up for yourself ends up being the source of strength you never knew you had.

He's got a lot of experience with you being a doormat long before this affair, which was an important calculation in his decision to have one. People that love their spouses and are certain they will lose them over an affair are far less likely to have them. 

People have been giving you the same advice more or less continuously since you showed up here. But you are rejecting that out of fear. So we're going to watch this guy continue to act outrageously and watch you continue to take it, while ignoring what has been repeatedly told to you. You'll be asking again and again what you should do.

I won't get any joy out of watching you do this but it is pretty clear that's what is going to happen. I'd much rather have you prove I am wrong. But it looks like this is going to get much worse before you finally take action. Like doing her right in front of the children on your kitchen table. He'll go just as far as you let him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's a guy at another forum whose dad took his wife and his young adult kids to a party where his pregnant mistress was, and he expected them to sit there and watch while he messed around with his mistress. And they did! Because the wife was compliant like you and the kids learned it from her. Is that what you want?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Silverlining said:


> Marriage builders does say you can try to nice WS out of the affair. But this can only be tried for a limited amount of time. After that, you must go to Plan B (The 180). Soooo, after a month I think it's time for you to put on your big girl panties and proceed with going nuclear; Kick him out, do 180, and expose them to all friends and family.


That's right about Marriage Builders. I have links to brief descriptions of their Plan A and Plan B in my siganture block below.

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. The book talks about that and a lot more.

Plan A is when you change.... fix any thing that you think you have been doing wrong in the marriage. Most people only do this for a few weeks. You are in week 4 at least. 

Plan B is like the 180... you kick him out and treat him according to the 180. This is what you need to do now. 

Get the book and read it. It will give you a lot of info about the dynamics of affairs. It explains why you have to do Plan B (the 180).

The way to end an affair is to put pressure on it. Make her have to meet all of his needs. She did not sign up for that.. she signed up for an affair.. the fantasy.

What you are doing right now will prolong his affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Oh, and there is any more sex with him - consider marking him in a way she can't help but notice - hicky on the neck or thigh or chest, and scratches on his back - you want to out him.
> 
> basically right now you are the OW to his skank, and she is jealous - use that!


Give him a hicky, a big one, down by his groin. That way he cannot deny the sex.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please go see an attorney and get the divorced started.

Ask the attorney a few things:

Is your state a fault or no-fault state? Can you use adultry as the reason for a divorce?

Ask him to put a temporary child custody/visitation schedule in place such that you have primary custody.

Ask that he put in an order that prevents your husband from having your children anywhere new the skank OW.

Ask that your husband be ordered to move out of the house NOW because his is flaunting his infidelity in your face and it's emotionally abusive.

Ask that you get an interim child support and spousal support agreement immediately. Make sure that the child support agreement includes the state standard amount plus childcare, counseling for your children due to the divorce, medical care, dental care, etc etc.


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