# When do you know?



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

When do you know wether you are staying or not? Maybe it is the holidays that magnify everything else that has happened or the new information that came out a month or so (just details no new people or meetings) but I have started to wonder if the switch just turns on yep I am staying or no its over. Right now things seem to be in neutral, we are both trying but what we are trying for seems to be cloudy. Are we trying to recapture what we had, build something new or are we just here for the kids the old 2 steps forward and 1 back thing.
But I am still wondering is there just a moment when you say "we are better and I see us happy" or is it "no this is over" or is it just the constant anger and pain that finally wears you down. 

Maybe time is what is really needed if you just keep going you will remember yourself, your marriage your happiness.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

For me, I knew what needed to happen the day I found out. 

I just didn't listen to myself was all and tried R for some months.

I'd say I was waiting for a day when I could wake up, and not have her affair be the first thing on my mind. 

No such days came for me, and after seeing her actions I finally took her to task.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

love=pain said:


> When do you know wether you are staying or not? Maybe it is the holidays that magnify everything else that has happened or the new information that came out a month or so (just details no new people or meetings) but I have started to wonder if the switch just turns on yep I am staying or no its over. Right now things seem to be in neutral, we are both trying but what we are trying for seems to be cloudy. Are we trying to recapture what we had, build something new or are we just here for the kids the old 2 steps forward and 1 back thing.
> But I am still wondering is there just a moment when you say "we are better and I see us happy" or is it "no this is over" or is it just the constant anger and pain that finally wears you down.
> 
> Maybe time is what is really needed if you just keep going you will remember yourself, your marriage your happiness.


Lets see... Im 5 years from DD and 3 years in R and I still haves days where I dont know what to do. Some days I hate him, others I love him. Not much help am I?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Kasler said:


> I'd say I was waiting for a day when I could wake up, and not have her affair be the first thing on my mind.
> 
> No such days came for me, and after seeing her actions I finally took her to task.


You go to sleep(if you are lucky) with it and wake up with it and in between you stare out into the darkness.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Lets see... Im 5 years from DD and 3 years in R and I still haves days where I dont know what to do. Some days I hate him, others I love him. Not much help am I?


I agree at times I am all into her and the marriage and other times I want to just walk out. 

I have less of those bad days.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Lets see... Im 5 years from DD and 3 years in R and I still haves days where I dont know what to do. Some days I hate him, others I love him. Not much help am I?


Ditto to this...


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

I've known about my wife's affair for a very short period of time. When I found out I thought it was done, I wanted out. We ignored the situation pretty much for Christmas so we could give our kids/family a good time. Now I'm not sure what I want. Its a roller coaster and I'm in the same boat as you. Anytime there is a quite moment, I think about what she did, I have all the gory details. I mean, I can't even sleep at night without background noise to keep my mind from thinking of it. But when I'm around her I find us joking around like nothing happened.

Sadly, I don't think having an epiphany of what I truly want is in the cards for me, but I hope there is for you. My only advice is try to take it a day at a time and find out what is truly best for you. But please, don't be cynical, there is enough of that in the world already. Don't stay in your current situation because you believe you can't find someone better or you think you can't find love again. I know you are emotionally invested in this person, and rightfully so, but if I have learned anything from my short stint (so far) with coping with infidelity, its that love is all around you, not just with your partner.

If anything you're more marketable now, you were the faithful one, you tried to make it work and showed a cool head in a tough situation. You may want to take a step back and consider separation to clear your head, but only you know. Every situation is different no matter how similar the script is. 

Just remember, being capable of forgiveness is a very strong and underrated trait. You can always forgive, just remember not to forget, or you could be in the same boat down the line. 

Good Luck!


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I do not have a magical answer for you, cause it has been 1 year post D-day for me (yes it was Xmas last year my Dday) and I still have no idea. People ask me if i love him and I say I have no idea, they ask me if I hate him and I do not think so, they ask me if I want to be with him and I have no clue (when we spend time together I feel like I am hanging out with a friend), but I know this - I am better than him, better than the piece of crap he got envolved with and better than his family who abandoned me and my 2 year old during the past year. I did separate for almost a year and suffered quite a lot, but it was the best thing I could have done. I dedicated myself to me and my son and found out quite a lot about me. I know I am capable of wonderful things and I can raise a responsible man.

Maybe a separation helps, I can't say I know what I want, but I do know what I DON'T want and what I am capable of. Focus on you, take care of you, do things for you and forget about him and the relationship for a while and maybe this will provide you the light you need to see things more clearly.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> I've known about my wife's affair for a very short period of time. When I found out I thought it was done, I wanted out. We ignored the situation pretty much for Christmas so we could give our kids/family a good time. Now I'm not sure what I want. Its a roller coaster and I'm in the same boat as you. Anytime there is a quite moment, I think about what she did, I have all the gory details. I mean, I can't even sleep at night without background noise to keep my mind from thinking of it. But when I'm around her I find us joking around like nothing happened.
> 
> Sadly, I don't think having an epiphany of what I truly want is in the cards for me, but I hope there is for you. My only advice is try to take it a day at a time and find out what is truly best for you. But please, don't be cynical, there is enough of that in the world already. Don't stay in your current situation because you believe you can't find someone better or you think you can't find love again. I know you are emotionally invested in this person, and rightfully so, but if I have learned anything from my short stint (so far) with coping with infidelity, its that love is all around you, not just with your partner.
> 
> ...


In my situation, he doesnt know that I know yet. I waited for the holidays because I didn't want to "ruin" it for family and the children. Today I am overwhelmed with thoughts of how to even confront. Do I tell him I've known for awhile now or do I act like I just found out? I absolutely love everything else about our life together. The one thing I know I am sure about is that I cannot go on with this hanging much longer. But I seem to keep making excuses not to bring it up...


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> In my situation, he doesnt know that I know yet. I waited for the holidays because I didn't want to "ruin" it for family and the children. Today I am overwhelmed with thoughts of how to even confront. Do I tell him I've known for awhile now or do I act like I just found out? I absolutely love everything else about our life together. The one thing I know I am sure about is that I cannot go on with this hanging much longer. But I seem to keep making excuses not to bring it up...


So you have known for how long and yet cannot say anything to him? How are you managing? I confirmed my thoughts at 8 AM and waited until 9 PM and still have no clue how I did it! Are you OK?


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

I have known for several weeks. It was/is a cyber affair that he actually used our joint yahoo profile to chat with her on. I saved all the chats to a word doc, and for a time the messages were even coming to my phone. The communication in chat stopped when she said text would be better and gave her phone number. He went in and deleted all the chat logs, but they didnt delete from my phone plus I had already saved them. 
I have been getting along simply because I had to....Its a long story but his girls that live with us went through severe abandonment issues with their mother. Everytime we so much as look at each other cross eyed, they worry I will leave them too. I have also been in school in an intense program that has forced me to tune out this stuff to be able to get through finals. Now I have a few weeks before that starts up so my mind is racing.


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## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

In my opinion (which I'm a wreck right now so take it with a grain of salt) you have two options. Confront him immediately hoping that his EA hasn't become a PA, or use a variety of techniques on this site to wait it out to see if his EA develops into a PA. From what you say, he knows what he is doing is wrong, because he is hiding it.

I know what you're going through, and I'm still going through it and I don't want to give you bad advice, but think with your head and not your heart right now. It sucks, I know, trust me, but you need to take into consideration that if this OW is close to you, this could be a physical affair. I confronted and exposed everything to both our families after I had the confirmation I needed in my case. It ended their affair really quick (1 day) but it also takes its toll. You have to be in the mindset that you aren't exposing to get back at them for wronging you, but that you are trying to end this toxic affair and help the one you love realize what is happening: THEY ARE ON THE PATH TO LOSING EVERYTHING THEY HOLD DEAR!

I can honestly say I don't think I'll ever love my wife the same because she continuously lied about her affair even when I gave her ample opportunity to admit it. Only when I had the proof, did she finally admit everything. 

You seem like a very nice and kind woman, maybe a little scared, and that's natural. But don't sweep it under the rug. What he is doing is wrong, disrespectful and severely insulting to you and your family. Either confront him now hoping it hasn't gone too far, or wait, gather evidence, and expose then. Its really up to you, but please don't make my mistake and be a doormat for too long.


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## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> In my opinion (which I'm a wreck right now so take it with a grain of salt) you have two options. Confront him immediately hoping that his EA hasn't become a PA, or use a variety of techniques on this site to wait it out to see if his EA develops into a PA. From what you say, he knows what he is doing is wrong, because he is hiding it.
> 
> I know what you're going through, and I'm still going through it and I don't want to give you bad advice, but think with your head and not your heart right now. It sucks, I know, trust me, but you need to take into consideration that if this OW is close to you, this could be a physical affair. I confronted and exposed everything to both our families after I had the confirmation I needed in my case. It ended their affair really quick (1 day) but it also takes its toll. You have to be in the mindset that you aren't exposing to get back at them for wronging you, but that you are trying to end this toxic affair and help the one you love realize what is happening: THEY ARE ON THE PATH TO LOSING EVERYTHING THEY HOLD DEAR!
> 
> ...


I am scared..and I am embarassed for him and me! I know he needs to be held accountable for this action. I dont feel much like a doormat, I just know that at the moment I expose it, our life as I know it now will change. And as selfish as it sounds..I dont know if Im ready for that.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

blindedbylove said:


> I am scared..and I am embarassed for him and me! I know he needs to be held accountable for this action. I dont feel much like a doormat, I just know that at the moment I expose it, our life as I know it now will change. And as selfish as it sounds..I dont know if Im ready for that.


Your life has and will change no matter what. Are you right now living the same life? i don't think so.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Wow, this thread makes me feel better and worse at the same time.

Glad to know everyone is going through the same sh!t I am dealing with but depressing to see how far out it will still be this way. 

I keep getting close to finding happiness in here: :beer:
I know I will find it in one of those bottles one day. I think it is at the bottom.


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## Rimis (Dec 5, 2012)

brokendown77 said:


> I've known about my wife's affair for a very short period of time. When I found out I thought it was done, I wanted out. We ignored the situation pretty much for Christmas so we could give our kids/family a good time. Now I'm not sure what I want. Its a roller coaster and I'm in the same boat as you. Anytime there is a quite moment, I think about what she did, I have all the gory details. I mean, I can't even sleep at night without background noise to keep my mind from thinking of it. But when I'm around her I find us joking around like nothing happened.
> 
> Sadly, I don't think having an epiphany of what I truly want is in the cards for me, but I hope there is for you. My only advice is try to take it a day at a time and find out what is truly best for you. But please, don't be cynical, there is enough of that in the world already. Don't stay in your current situation because you believe you can't find someone better or you think you can't find love again. I know you are emotionally invested in this person, and rightfully so, but if I have learned anything from my short stint (so far) with coping with infidelity, its that love is all around you, not just with your partner.
> 
> ...


I'm in that same spot. Although we do have nights where we talk about everything for a couple hours at at time, and we're both in individual counseling, with talk of eventually going to MC.

Instead of background noise, I use Ativan to help me get to sleep at night.

There are days where I'm CONVINCED I should file, and I beat myself for dragging my feet... then there are days when I tell myself I owe it to our son (2 years old) to give it more time. When I try and picture what our lives would be like post-divorce, the one detail I have a really hard time with is only being there for HALF of my son's life going forward.

Not that I'm holding onto hope JUST for him. When I think back on all the great times my wife & I had together, it makes me want to put the effort into fix things too.

We have a great life together, family/friends/finances all that... but she went and turned what we both admit was a "rut" into a huge smoldering mess of a marriage.

Thanks for creating this thread Love=Pain - seeing other people stuck in the same limbo helps.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

DevastatedDad said:


> Wow, this thread makes me feel better and worse at the same time.
> 
> Glad to know everyone is going through the same sh!t I am dealing with but depressing to see how far out it will still be this way.
> 
> ...


DD- from my own experience- happiness was not found on the bottom of any bottle- vodka, whiskey, rum, beer, etc. It actually made it worse, was hard to see when going through it as the temporary numbness seemed like a plus.

I quit for a while, but now drink socially or have a few when I feel like it.

FWIW- for me forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can forgive and not reconcile. I can't speak for R without forgiveness, but I can't imagine that would work very well at all.

Good luck
WD


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

love=pain said:


> When do you know wether you are staying or not?


When I stop caring about what I will lose.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think you know the real answer but the Static of Life gets in the way and you just revert to the Elevator music.


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