# Need help with resentment.



## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Hi everyone. I've looked at these forums for a minute and thought I would see if I could get some feedback on my personal situation. Any and all responses are appreciated, and I promise to be respectful in any response I give.

So been married for 19 years. When we married, my wife had sons from a previous marriage, 3 to be exact. We had one of our own and proceeded as most marriages do; good times and bad times. We got through most of them. I am in the military, so deployments and time apart during that time always helped with issues because you had that initial, "It's so glad to be home!! This is awesome and it's not Iraq." lol Anyone who has dealt with a problem marriage knows that those times don't last. We are the fiery couple. Quick to anger, and quick with a comeback. Funny, and the life of the party. Everything was extremes. Good times were amazing, and bad times were miserable. 

A lot of our arguments surrounded my stepsons. My wife always held onto guilt for her first marriage, and always took issue with my attempts at discipline the boys. In hindsight, we should have done counseling as we entered the marriage. Throughout our marriage, up until now, I always felt like I never had her support in dealing with the kids. As the kids got older, I simply stopped trying. My line was, "You wouldn't let me fix it, then you deal with it" whenever the kids had an issue, and boy did they have them. It was the wrong attitude to have, and I realize that.

At one point I became so unhappy I started to pack on weight. What did not help was my wife's constant attacks on me because of my weight. From "you're going to eat that too?" to "Good luck finding something that fits." Think of Carrie from the King of Queens. So what did I do? Yup, I binge ate Twinkies. I grabbed a Big Mac on the way home from work before dinner. She thinks I'm fat, I'll show her. It culminated in a tremendous blow out we had over a guy she was harmlessly speaking to who is a personal trainer at a gym by our house (then.) It was so bad that after the screaming and yelling died down, she left to stay with her cousin in another state. I was destroyed. It didn't matter how mean she was, she was what I had and that was gone. This was about 7 years ago. 

That lasted about a month, and every day got easier. She was mean, and hurtful even when gone. In hindsight, she says she was trying to push me away, as she thought that was best for me. I tried to win her back, and in the end it worked. I recommended counseling. She said that she wasn't going to counseling and that if I pushed the issue she wouldn't come back. I had my thoughts about why she was coming back, and they all revolved around her needing me for financial support. Things were good again for a few months, and then they went right back to where we were. She can be very mean, and knew exactly the right things to say to get the reaction she wanted. I was no saint, please don't think that. But even when we would meet new people, she would always say "This is my husband, maybe the nicest person you'll ever meet; and I'm the *****." It was funny, right? While I lost all the weight I had gained, the bickering kept on going. 

It sounds crazy, but I just wanted her to be nice. She was always so edgy and angry. While she would later say it was towards everyone, I and people who know us know it was focused on me. All I wanted was nice. Not Stepford Wife behavior. I just wanted her to be considerate, and caring. 

This kept on and we recently moved somewhere else. The stress was on all of us, but I tried to make the best of it. We moved to what many would consider paradise, she'll have to get happier right? The transition was a nightmare. Over the years, I developed coping mechanisms. Not the good kind you pay $100.00 an hour to learn. The kind that are bad. I'd pretty much ignore her. Which, if you're aggressive, you know only makes things worse. I would literally just shut down, smile, and walk away. I'd play video games for hours, or go out on my motorcycle. She would do her thing, and in a few hours we would link back up for dinner or what not and act like nothing ever happened. We never talked through issues, as she didn't want to, and normally it would just lead to a bigger argument anyway. 

Sex has NEVER been an issue. It is amazing, and always has been. But over the years, I stopped initiating sex. For a while she wasn't interested, and one of the mechanism I used to cope was just to not seek it out. You can't get turned down if you don't ask, right? I know, horrible thought processes, but they kept me from being hurt. But that is one of the many switches I flipped off that I now have trouble turning back on.

Fast forward to a month ago. I had to go away for an exercise and came home. When I got home that evening, I told her I wanted a divorce. I had resolved that for my 45th birthday, I would be happier than on my 43rd. While it sounds simple, I just want to be happy. We cried, we yelled, we did all the things people do when the D word comes up. I told her I was willing to try counseling. Yes, I was resolute in my decision, but seeing her hurt killed me inside. I was willing to try though. I looked at this as one of the biggest decisions of my life, how could I not take every measure to make sure I could be as certain as possible I was making the right decision?

So I tried the counseling. Several sessions, only to be met with the same thing: You have to let it go. I was the bad guy because I allowed her to treat me that way. Somehow she was the victim because I never checked her on her behavior? But admittedly, she knew what she was doing. She knew she treated me bad and said, "I wanted to treat you better, but always thought we'd be together so I'd have more time to change."

At the same time we started counseling, she started taking anti depressant meds. When I tell you she is a different person, I mean it. She is seeing a counselor now for just her. She has identified she had daddy issues and was trying to push me away for 19 years. She really has been a different person for the last month.

But now, I get the look like, "Oh, I'm different now, so let's just patch this up and move on."

What? Wait. Hold on. You apologize and that that's just it? 

Part of me can't let go of the past. I try. I shut down so many emotions that they just festered. I have tried to turn those switches back on, to be sweet and loving. But when I turn them on, the old emotions come out as well. I can't separate them. It's like a faucet that just pours warm water out of one spout. Sometimes you need just hot or just cold water. I can't differentiate. It's to the point where when she is sweet and nice (which is all the time) I get angry. Angry because NOW you want to be this way. NOW you love me and I'm enough. It hurts me to hurt her, but she see's the turmoil I am going through, and the fact that I don't reciprocate when she is sweet and caring now. 

Many would say, well, you got what you wanted. She's nice now. But does her doing a 180 degree change how I felt? It's like she has changed dramatically, and our dynamic has changed from night to day... So it's like everyone is looking at me like, "Alright bro, get with the program, you're happy now.

No, no I'm not.

And I don't know what to do.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deleted.....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Is it healthy to hold on to resentment?

Of course not.

That said, "Get over it" is probably the worst thing the source of your resentment could possibly say to you.

"Wife, telling me to get over my resentment in the snap of a finger, or a week, a month, or even six, has exactly the opposite effect, and only reinforces why I was resenting you to begin with. I can't stop you from this stance, but I can promise you that not affording me the space and time to work through this, or pressing me to keep silent in how I feel, is the fast track to the end of our marriage. The choice is yours to make."


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Can you see a way forward if the positive changes last? Is there an upside to sustaining the relationship, that appeals to you? Sometimes, even when things improve, it's too late to regain the feelings you once had that made the relationship worth keeping. If you can't see a way to make it work in, say, 6 months from now, then continue with your plan to divorce, and use what you've learned to seek a happier, healthier relationship in the future.


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## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Thank you both, Farside and Happy. Happy, it is so confusing for me as all the decisions I came to regarding divorce stemmed from my interaction with her old version. Now, I have this new person in my face who is everything I have ever wanted, for now. Again, I think you hit the nail on the head in asking if I see a positive outcome with her. I can, but I am scared to put myself in that position again. I told her once that I gave her total control, gave her the reigns and never looked back. And she betrayed that. But I see in her eyes the pain I am causing her. The new eyes, not the old ones. Her new self isn't fortified with the feistiness and anger the old one displayed. So I literally feel as if I am kicking a puppy in the stomach. I fear though, that in sticking around, my resentment will be reinforced by her wanting me to change, like Farside eluded to. I worry that my inability to be sweet, for lack of a better word, would just hurt her over and over and cause animosity. 

I meet with my own counselor this evening. So hopefully I can work through a few things on my end. 

Thank you both for replying.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Whatever you do, whichever path you choose, let it be one who allows you to like the person you see in the mirror.

That means standing up for yourself staunchly, while balancing it with enough compassion so as to be empathetic to her pain, and enough objectivity to be fair to both of you.

It is incredibly simple, yet anything but easy.


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## bmorehappy (Oct 18, 2017)

@oldguy95, man don't I know that feeling! I felt it so unfair that this person had contributed to me developing this resentment and I was the one stuck with figuring out how to deal with it, not bring it up and just be happy. And then I end up looking like the petty, immature partner who can't put those painful feelings away and that made me even more resentful...

This is how I dealt with that resentment:
1. Made a list of every single issue from the past that left lingering feelings of resentment. Every single one, no matter how minor, went on that list;
2. Under each item, I tried to detail what aspect of the situation made me resentful. A spiteful response, a facial gesture, comments I probably took the wrong way. Whatever the reason, I put it there;
3. For each item I also noted how I felt that resentment affected me. Some of it affected how desirable I felt in the eyes of my partner, how safe I felt, how much faith I had in the future of the relationship, my ability to be vulnerable... you get the picture;
4. And the hardest part, what I did that lead to the issue or what I did in the moment that resulted in the issue going unresolved

A long and arduous process but the pain of the resentment was unbearable. While I'd advise that you review the list with your partner, this is totally up to you. Reviewing with a partner is risky because they can end up getting hurt/defensive about what's on there. 

Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@oldguy95, 

I'm speaking to you as a person who was formerly disloyal and who did a lot of work and figured it out. I am also speaking to you as a Christian person who truly believes in marriage and would prefer to figure out a way to save marriages. That's where I'm coming from...and I can tell you that based on what you said in your original post, I don't yet see any reason to patch this back up. 

Yet. 

It would see that there was some sort of medical/chemical imbalance previously. Now she is taking medication that corrects that chemical imbalance--good! But that in no way, shape, or form indicates any desire on her part to take personal responsibility for what she chose to do, nor does it indicate that she has the smallest clue of the damage her actions caused or of the gigantic amount of healing that needs to be done. It's fairly clear to me that her focus is still on herself (she doesn't want to lose the cushy "marriage") rather than being on YOU and the damage done to YOU and the healing YOU need!

So if this were a situation that warranted "a reason to patch this back up" here's what it would look like:

a) She would admit to herself and to you out loud that it as HER actions and HER choices that hurt you so deeply...not shifting the blame to you or even saying "let's share the blame" but rather "Here is what I did and it is all on me. I chose to do it. The natural consequence of doing A is B." and she wouldn't shirk at it either. It would probably feel somewhat humiliating but the plain fact of the matter is that she acted in a way that was embarrassing!

b) She would recognize that you would naturally have a great amount of resentment over things she said and did that wounded you TO THE CORE...and thus the approach would be something like "I know I deserve to be thrown into the gutter by you, because of the way I acted and treated you, so I'm willing to patiently wait and take whatever amount of time you need to process what happened and to prove myself from scratch." 

c) She would also understand that because she behaved in an untrustworthy way, that you don't trust her. See a lot of people get this mistaken idea when they're told "you have trust issues." No you don't! You have GREAT trust...that they will be dishonest! The part you have an issue with is their honest because they have not been honest!! So to rebuild trust in honesty that takes a lot of time, and that whole time she would have to actually live and be honest. People don't want to actually BE honest!

So she's nice. Big whoop. I'm nice to my mailman--doesn't mean I want to be married to him! I'm nice to the lawn man--doesn't mean I love him. She was previously ABUSIVE to you, and you resent the abuse (as you rightly should). She has done literally nothing to let you recover from the **** she did. And yet she expects you to just take her back "because she's being nice." I say no. *If you want*, give her a year to prove that the nice won't end the minute you say no, and to also begin to actually do the work to recover YOU. If she doesn't patiently do the work it takes to help you recover from what she did, then she doesn't really mean it--she's just an abuser trying to get you back into the cycle of abuse.


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## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Farside, thank you for that tip. It is definitely something that I feel needs to be the case when I come out of this on the other side.

Bmore, that is amazing. I am actually working that list up right now. That is a really great exercise and I am hoping it works out as well as I think it will. If nothing more than for myself, to truly understand where I am at.

Affaircare, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to address the issues you did and for taking maybe the not popular approach of divorce. I appreciate that. Everything I read says that you can work through it; that you can check back in. Thank you for taking the time to be honest, but also list things I should look for as I move forward. Thank you.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Start exercising. And getting healthy. And try to enjoy your wifes new disposition. Try not to dwel on it. Give it time.

As you say you were not a saint either. Soo she might have a fair bit of resentment towards you. 

Set a time frame 6 month maybe a year if you still feel the same way then make your decission. And if your health and in shape you will be more confident to make the hard decission if thats what you want.


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## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Thanks Chilly. Well, since my fat phase, I've stayed fit. But I did start smoking again, so there's that. LOL But I appreciate your other points as well. Thank you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

oldguy95 said:


> ... Affaircare, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to address the issues you did and for taking maybe the not popular approach of divorce. I appreciate that. Everything I read says that you can work through it; that you can check back in. Thank you for taking the time to be honest, but also list things I should look for as I move forward. Thank you.


 @oldguy95, 

I do believe both you and your wife have the possibility of "checking back in" as you phrase it. But the part that is of utmost importance is that BOTH of you have to do your own part. I think you going through your resentment and identifying it and owning your part is great--very few people will do that. But I caution you that even if you 100% clear your side of the street, that does not mean she's done any of her work or taken responsibility for any of HER part. 

Either way--whether you two check back in or not--it is wise for you to work on yourself to be a better human. All I'm noting is that for any relationship to actually heal and grow, there has to be relating--and that takes TWO. Do your own work and watch to see evidence of her doing her own work (not just taking pills for the chemical imbalance, but working on herself). Okay?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

If your wife had been mean to you for a month before apologizing _and changing_, I would expect you'd be able to "get over it" in another month's time. Your resentment has been building for 19 years! The process of overcoming 19 years worth of crappy relationship takes YEARS. Sure, your wife wants you to forgive and forget because ...well, because she is selfish and self-serving. 

Take time to consider all of your options, weigh all of the consequences and benefits for each, and get your ducks in a row. These things take time and you need not to suffer under some delusion that because your wife has finally decided to behave like a wife SHOULD that you're required to act like the 19 years of BS she has lobbed at you are no longer factors for consideration of your future. 

Take care of YOU.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

oldguy95 said:


> But even when we would meet new people, she would always say "This is my husband, maybe the nicest person you'll ever meet; and I'm the *****." It was funny, right?


I'll play devils advocate

Its clear why there would be resentment after all this time and her not wanting to participate in changing the dynamic with you. With that said I would look into the above statement a bit. I distinctly remember feeling the same ways you describe when I was the "nicest guy you would ever meet". I remember feeling she was cold, edgy, angry, and did not care about me. I remember feeling like our relationship was my emotional center. Things are much different now because of changes I made in myself. I set boundaries that never move regardless of who pushes them. This made it easy for me to compromise in all other areas without resentment building. I also have an ultimate purpose that is outside of my relationship and this helped a lot with not making our relationship the center of my universe or the gauge all other things stem from. Another thing is that I no longer feel the need to stay in a relationship with someone who is not interested in happiness or respecting my boundaries. This one was huge, I had a serious case of onitis. This is not to say I do not still struggle with things. Im still learning. For instance I still get very uneasy when she is mad with me but I don't let her know that. Making all these changes has revealed a whole new dynamic in my relationship and respect from my wife. Most of all I know I will be happy regardless of outcome. I am responsible for my own happiness.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

oldguy95 said:


> Thank you both, Farside and Happy. Happy, it is so confusing for me as all the decisions I came to regarding divorce stemmed from my interaction with her old version. Now, I have this new person in my face who is everything I have ever wanted, for now. Again, I think you hit the nail on the head in asking if I see a positive outcome with her. I can, but I am scared to put myself in that position again. I told her once that I gave her total control, gave her the reigns and never looked back. And she betrayed that. But I see in her eyes the pain I am causing her. The new eyes, not the old ones. Her new self isn't fortified with the feistiness and anger the old one displayed. So I literally feel as if I am kicking a puppy in the stomach. I fear though, that in sticking around, my resentment will be reinforced by her wanting me to change, like Farside eluded to. I worry that my inability to be sweet, for lack of a better word, would just hurt her over and over and cause animosity.
> 
> I meet with my own counselor this evening. So hopefully I can work through a few things on my end.
> 
> Thank you both for replying.


Resentment is a terrible thing because it destroys the resentful one when it turns to bitterness. I think you suffer from bitterness which is like an acid that can destroy your soul. I know because I have been there, if affected me deeply as I didn't want to let it go, part of me wanted justice.
The only way to have happiness in life is to be open, the best person you can be, you can only control yourself, you cannot control others but you can control how you react to others, you also have to set boundaries with your wife. At some point you have to let go of the past and learn to trust. It will take time but it is not impossible.


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## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Thank you all for your input since I have last posted. 

As I type this, my wife is on a plane back to the mainland to stay with family. I did not throw her out. She said if I wanted a divorce, she couldn't even be on the island. She is holding out that there is still hope. That the time apart will make me miss her.

I am not closing my mind to that. But I explained that at this moment, I want a divorce. I just can't change the habits I developed to cope with her behavior. I know it has only been a month, but the resentment is getting worse despite counseling attempts.

I don't want to get to the point where we hate each other.

I am wracked with guilt. I'm not sad she left, and I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty of the pain I have caused her by being (what I know is not true, but right now it feels that way) selfish.

It just hurts.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Oldguy: 

I feel for you. I am in a similar spot, except my wife has agreed to go to marriage counseling as a way to help us (me) figure out whether to stay together or divorce. 

Your description of how your wife treated you and how you felt is something I could have written, including the weight gain. I couldn’t figure out how she could be really cruel to me about something and then try to make me feel like it was my fault (often succeeding). Throughout long patches in our marriage I felt that the best thing I could do for her is die and leave her my life insurance so she could be a wealthy widow.

In marital counseling we are working through my resentments over how I was treated and whether the path forward will eventually look like the path we have travelled for most of our 33-year marriage. Our counselor has already suggested that our main way of dealing with conflicts (especially mine) has been to avoid or ignore them…allowing them to simmer below the surface until they become deep-seated resentments.

My coping mechanisms were withdrawal through intensive focus on work, including doing as much travel as I could, a really poor diet, and, for a time, a martini (or two) each evening. Like you, I went through periods where I wouldn’t initiate sex at all because I either didn’t want the rejection or I didn’t want to subject myself to intimacy with her because of the conflicted feelings that would be stirred inside of me.

She also has been on anti-depressants for almost 15 years and I would say that they have had a positive effect in that they seem to temper her anger, but they did not “cure” her. In some ways, her individual counseling sessions worsened the problems, because they reinforced her narrative of the situation. There was no one to counter her (mis)interpretations.

Now, with the real possibility of a divorce on the table, I have her attention. She is more loving, more attentive, and kind. Some of this is due to maturing, some likely to medication, and some to a realization of how much she would be losing if we divorced. Even so, I don’t know if I can trust that we won’t slip back into our former dynamic and patterns of behavior.

So, I am not sure I have a lot of personal insight to share that will help you. As you described the situation with your wife, however, I was reminded of the fable of the 'The Scorpion and the Frog."

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the 
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The 
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion 
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of 
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?" 

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

You have 30 days of a change along with 19 years of her nature (and yours) to look back on. Is her newfound demeanor a reflection of a true change in her nature or an attempt to lure you back in?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Oldguy, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., controlling actions, temper tantrums, verbal abuse, meanness, impulsiveness, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Significantly, I'm not suggesting that your W has full-blown BPD symptoms. Only a professional can determine that. Rather, I'm suggesting she might be exhibiting moderate to strong BPD traits -- which can make your life painful even when they are not so severe as to meet the diagnostic threshold. 

I say "might be exhibiting" because one key trait is missing. You say nothing about your W having a great fear of abandonment, which is a hallmark of a BPD behavioral pattern. If she really does have a strong abandonment fear, it likely would be evident in her being jealous of you being around attractive women. Moreover, she would see abandonment threats in harmless actions or comments, which she would misinterpret. The fear also could be manifested as an attempt to isolate you away from your close friends and family members so that she is able to control you more easily (thus not having to worry about criticism from others). Have you seen such behaviors occurring regularly over the past 19 years?

If so, I would be glad to discuss this pattern of behavior with you and explain why it is notorious for producing tremendous guilt in the abused spouses. In any event, if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, I would suggest you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your four sons have been dealing with for so many years. Take care, Oldguy.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I experienced something similar in my marriage - in the broad strokes.

I had much resentment and anger re the several decades of unhappiness I experienced because of my H's behavior. He is a changed man now (our children are still amazed), but I simply could not let go of my anger.

We finally decided as a last resort to commit to couples counseling. We found a Gottman specialist who helped us tremendously. The counselor encouraged us to air our issues and feelings rather than sweep them under the rug. It almost felt like an exorcism. 

The result is that I feel I'm over the hump now, really quite peaceful about our past for the first time in 20+ years. My H appears changed for good. At least I certainly hope so. He's been a much better partner for over 5 years now, so I'm feeling good about our chances.


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## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Uptown, your second paragraph rang so true it was almost frightening. She has an absolute fear of abandonment. In the time she has seen her doctor, she has seen that she has what she refers to as "Daddy Issues." I DO NOT use that phrase to offend anyone, or to make light of the situation. It is just how she herself described it. She is insanely jealous, especially when I interact with attractive women. She would then get mean, but then get herself upset because she felt almost like I should be cheating on her. It was a vicious cycle for her, and I hate that she ever had to go through that. She also caused me to isolate myself. Or, to own my part, I allowed her to make me do it. I truly have no close friends. I have acquaintances, and Army buddies I've known for years. But all my friends are husbands of her friends. I also cut my family off as in the beginning of our relationship she was very resentful of them and always had a reason that I shouldn't deal with them. Lately, this is a huge part of my resentment. So yeah, you hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial head with that one.

She has been gone since Friday. I feel horrible about it, but I don't miss her like I feel I should. I don't know. And she is in pain and has said so many times she wants to come back, but that she wants me to tell her to come back.

Right now, I can't. Not sure what the future holds, but only time will tell.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

oldguy95 said:


> She has an absolute fear of abandonment.


Oldguy, _"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. Moreover, if your W is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum but may not meet the diagnostic threshold), she has a second great fear: engulfment. It is triggered by intimacy. Although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they cannot tolerate it for very long because -- lacking a strong sense of identity -- they quickly start feeling like you are controlling and suffocating them with your strong personality.



> It was a vicious cycle for her.


If she is a BPDer, the _"vicious cycle"_ is caused by the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the _very same_ spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Indeed, she may feel like she is disappearing into your strong personality. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist. 



> I am wracked with guilt. I'm not sad she left, and I feel guilty about that. I feel guilty of the pain I have caused her.


If she is a BPDer, you likely are causing her more pain by staying with her than by leaving. As noted above, as long as you remain with her, you cannot avoid triggering her abandonment fear and engulfment fear. Regardless of whether you draw close or back away, you will trigger one of those fears.



> Everything was extremes. Good times were amazing, and bad times were miserable.


_"Swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. See 9 BPD Traits at NIMH. If she is a BPDer, her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip very quickly from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly. 

These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."



> But when I turn them on, the old emotions come out as well. I can't separate them. It's like a faucet that just pours warm water out of one spout. Sometimes you need just hot or just cold water. I can't differentiate.


As noted above, BPDers and young children generally are "running hot" or "running cold" because they are too immature to tolerate strong mixed feelings (i.e., "running warm," as you would say). Your faucet only _"pours warm water" _because you are emotionally mature and thus are consciously in touch with a variety of opposing feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time.

This is why, following an ugly drawn-out argument with your W, you may not be ready to be sexual with her for two or three days. You are in touch with all of your feelings and it takes time to get the ugliness that you've seen out of your mind. In contrast, a BPDer is often capable of throwing a temper tantrum for five hours and then, when her mood suddenly changes, jumping into bed to have sex with you. Hence, if your W is a BPDer, she likely has accused you many times of "holding grudges" and "refusing to let go" of your anger.



> She was always so... angry. While she would later say it was towards everyone... it was focused on me.


_"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger"_ is another one of the nine defining BPD symptoms. If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

As to her anger being _"focused"_ on you, that is what is expected if she is a high functioning BPDer. The vast majority of BPDers -- even those exhibiting full-blown BPD -- are "high functioning." This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment. 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. This is why BPDers usually have no close long-term friends (unless the person lives a long distance away). And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.



> She was always so edgy.


Oldguy, this anxiety is not unexpected if she is a BPDer. A recent large-scale American study found that 81% of female BPDers also have a co-occurring anxiety disorder. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.



> She started taking anti depressant meds.


That same study also found that 80% of female BPDers have a co-occurring mood disorder (e.g., clinical depression, aka "major depressive disorder"). The vast majority of full-blown BPDers also suffer from at least one other PD and at least one other clinical disorder.



> Somehow she was the victim.


BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim" because, if she were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue her or to persecute her.

If your W has mild to moderate BPD traits, you can improve your relationship by validating her feelings, i.e., by making it clear that you recognize her feelings are very real and she will be held accountable only for her actions, not her feelings. Those validating techniques are discussed in many BPD books, e.g., _Stop Walking on Eggshells_. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits, my experience is that all the validation in the world won't make much difference until the BPDer has had several years of intensive therapy. 



> She really has been a different person for the last month.


If she is a high functioning BPDer, you should expect to see several dramatic improvements occurring in her behavior each year. Like the smokers who are seen throwing away their "last pack" every two months, high functioning BPDers usually are seen making dramatic improvements periodically. That's how unstable people behave. Remember, even a roller coaster will be seen making dramatic gains half the time.



> Any and all responses are appreciated.


Oldguy, I again suggest that -- if you ever feel tempted to reconcile with her, you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your four sons are dealing with. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, Oldguy, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.


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## oldguy95 (Oct 17, 2017)

Uptown, Thank you. That was very informative and I appreciate you taking the time to explain it. Thank you. It is helping. If not with reconciliation, then at least with helping me work through this on my end. I appreciate it.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Oldguy, You have my sympathy. I am in a different but similar situation in my 25+ year marriage (interestingly the poor treatment also led to weight gain on my part). My husband has treated me unkindly throughout and has cheated, lied and withheld sex. I believe I have reached the end and I have told him so. He has been treating me better but has not shown true remorse. If he treats me like a queen from this day forward it won't repair our marriage because what I need is remorse (saying sorry is not remorse). True remorse would be about me not him, it would be painful to him, it would shake him to the core. He would not be able to sleep because he would need to address the ways in which he hurt me throughout our years, acknowledge it and make amends. Our marriage counselor and a few therapists that I visited by myself have advocated the "don't look back" philosophy which has basically invalidated my need to be heard and express my hurt and instead bolstered my husband's need to rug sweep. Before you throw in the towel though I suggest you read "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Abrahms Spring". It helped me understand why I couldn't just let go of things and move forward. It's a good read for your wife as well to help her have some empathy for the position you are in. It explains how damaging "Cheap Forgiveness" is and what "Genuine Forgiveness" means. I wish you the best of luck.


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