# too much to bear



## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

My partner of six years has met someone else a couple of months ago and has fallen head over heels in love. We had a decent relationship but over the last couple of years I have been pretty distant and not had a physical relationship hardly at all. It was like I was trying to deliberately sabotage the relationship as has been a pattern of mine. 
Thing is we have a beautiful little boy whom we both adore and we do still get on as a family. However, has told me that she is going to pursue this other relation to see what happens and there is no doubt right now that she is thinking of leaving me.
Course in the oldest cliche in the world it has taken the reality of losing her to fully understand how lucky I was and I love her with all my heart and want to stay together and make her happy. 
Right now we still live together but she says we are not together so again she is going away for two days with this other guy.
This is the third time she has gone away and the hours go by so slowly that it is almost unbearable. I almost don't know how to cope with this. I don't want to give up but she is so hopelessly smitten with this other guy that I barely exist.Anytime I try and say or do anything nice for her she gets mad that it is too late and that she doesn't believe it.
Does anybody have any advice as I am sinking into deep despair .


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

I am very familiar with poly relationships having lived a poly lifestyle for almost 40 years. We are aware of NRE, new relationship excitement. A new lover is always going to be more exciting in bed and everything else. She will sit there and listen to him talk about something she has not interest in, for hours and enjoy it. Hard to fight that. Only thing you can do is see where it head but it sometimes takes years for the NRE to wear off as you experienced with her. 

Sounds like you really did not have much and probably her pregnancy is what kept you together. It would also become the focus of your relationship and the thing holding it together. Now that the kid is a year old, you are left with a relationship that is not fulfilling her needs. Men often have affairs just for sex but women tend to do it for emotional reasons. I have been with a few married women, with and without their husbands' knowledge. What they wanted was to feel desirable, attractive and sex again, especially after giving birth when they feel that their husbands view them more as a mother than a hot sexy woman.

You can try to talk to her to find out what needs you are not fulfilling for her and then try to fulfill them. What I hear the most is husbands who take their wives for granted, masturbate rather than have sex with them, do not make them feel sexy or desirable or give them a reason to get all dressed up and go out on the town like they did when they were dating and first married.

I never forget that there are many guys out there who would be a better match for my wife and so I communicate with her to find out what she needs from me and then I give it to her. I am thinking of the Beyoncé song, If you love you better put a ring on it, and wondering if that has anything to do with your partner being with someone else. Perhaps the lack of commitment is bothering her. Good luck but it appears she is into this new person and unless you change drastically, he is going to offer her what she needs while you stay the same person that drove her into his arms. Think about it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Throw her out. Stop grovelling as if you are to blame. You want her to respect you? Boot her out the door.

No self respecting person -- man or woman -- should ever tolerate what you are putting up with.

Aren't married? Makes it all the easier.

Document her time away and when you are home alone with your child. She should act like a mother, instead of a harlot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

well after that first response here's a change of pace for you

she is cheating on you. I think its time to get f**king angry! if you guys are "no longer together" then KICK HER OUT! if there are legal obstacles and she insists on staying them make her life so miserable when she's there that she makes the move on her own.

consult with a lawyer on any financial or custody issues. do that right away. don't know just how bad a partner you've been but learn from this relationship.....get in IC....work on yourself and then find your next partner. one with better character, e.g.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

@Len51 - hopefully you no longer make a habit of bedding married women. I'd hate for one of those cuckold'ed husbands to find out, and come at you brandishing a firearm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

It is my fault. If I had acted with a tenth of len51 advice, I would not be here today. I am neither complaining nor grovelling but if I move out then whatever slim chance I have to get her back is gone. She is a great mother but no doubt she is currently totally lost and infatuated with this new relationship excitement.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Bugalugs said:


> It is my fault. If I had acted with a tenth of len51 advice, I would not be here today. I am neither complaining nor grovelling but if I move out then whatever slim chance I have to get her back is gone. She is a great mother but no doubt she is currently totally lost and infatuated with this new relationship excitement.


Yes but the only chance to get her back at this point is to act on 100 percent of what nuclear nightmare and I suggest.

Look my friend, it's probably too far gone to begin with. But the only way to even try to win back some respect is to kick her out now. Otherwise, if you rugsweep this, the relationship with this guy will run its course, she will come back to you (her Plan B) and bide her time until the next dude comes along.

In the meantime, you kick her out. You work on improving yourself. Mind body and soul. She will either realize you were a good catch after all, or more likely, you forget about her and find a much better woman or three.

PS - she ain't a good mother. Good mothers don't leave their partner and 1 year old baby home alone while out sowing oats. You've confused as to what good mother means.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*goodluck*


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

There is a lot of focus on her sleeping with this other guy and believe me it makes me sick to my stomach but if you treat some one badly for three years and not give any love or affection or make her feel special or sexy then there will be consequences. Traditionally I would have blown my top , cursed her from heaven and moved out but that is not how I feel. If all you see is this other guy then you don't see how she carried us through me losing my job , losing my mum, and always being there even though she got nothing back. 
I see all that now and feel ashamed I made her so lonely and unappreciated. This is her first taste of happiness and excitement in years so I am not angry. 
Also, we have a four year old boy and before I put that hard road of coming from a broken family in his path then I will do everything in my power to keep her and save this family. 
This pain is intense and overwhelming but I have borne it for two months. She has carried pain of rejection for years.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You treated her poorly for years. 

She could have moved out. Ended it with dignity. Instead, she decided to troll for other dudes while you home with a preschooler.

Both your actions prove that neither one of you gives a damn about your relationship. End it now. It's not salvageable.

That poor little boy. Two selfish parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

She did not ' troll for other dudes' she met some guy by fluke on a night out. I appreciate that this situation is ****ed up but 'that poor little boy' as you call him has known nothing but love and has not seen an unhappy day in his life. Who you think you are to pass comment like that is unacceptable and wrong.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck to you. Hope it works out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Bugalugs said:


> I appreciate that this situation is ****ed up but 'that poor little boy' as you call him has known nothing but love and has not seen an unhappy day in his life.


I'm sure you want what is best for your child. Allow me to address this as a child who lived in a home with two parents who weren't happy in their marriage. I sensed something wasn't quite right from a fairly early age; around 4 or 5. I never heard my parents fight or carry on. But kids are sensitive to things like this, even when they can't figure it out on a cognitive level or voice what is bothering them.

All I know is, by the time I was five, I was having some pretty serious anxiety issues. And I didn't have a clue as to why. But the vibe in my home was mommy and daddy weren't getting along and it was just enough for me to pick up on and become anxious.



Bugalugs said:


> Who you think you are to pass comment like that is unacceptable and wrong.


Here's the deal. You are asking for advice from total strangers in cyberspace. Granted, you may not like some opinions at all. It might help if you would just ignore what you don't like, and focus on what you do. After all, people are giving their opinions as strangers. I've been on TAM a long time. Some folks come on strong, others are more laid back.

As we say in Al-Anon: "Take what you need and leave the rest."

Okay, so you neglected your woman and your relationship for a long time. Thus, you are facing the consequences of your actions. But she's rather flaunting this affair in your face. Pretty disrespectful to you, isn't it? Things went bad and she eventually had sex with another man.

My opinion is you are both to blame for not addressing the issues you had head on. Now it's come to this. Granted, she may get over this guy and want to be loyal to you. But I'm telling you as a woman, if my husband (who made me miserable for a number of years), had let me have an affair while living in the same house, he would have kicked my a$$ to the curb.

You are in a difficult situation, but please consider letting her know that having sex with another man is NOT a solution to your problems. It's just adding more problems. If she refuses to see your point of view and talk it out, separation is a viable option.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK lets put this in simpler terms than Philly did:

You have a "wonderful" partner and you are a "terrible" guy. She supports you through the loss of your job and your mum. Very good of her. You don't show her affection - OK bad on you.

Now what would a wonderful woman do in such a situation:

(a) Tell you that things are not working out and ask you to improve else she is leaving and then act accordingly;

(b) Not even warn you but just go ahead and leave (since you are not married) and give you the shock of your life; OR

(c) Continue to go on as if nothing is wrong until ("quite by accident") she meets the "love of her life" (who presumably knows she has a family and a partner - in other word some [email protected]), and proceeds to become "infatuated" with him (also known as get her rocks off - after all it is the first real happiness she has had in years) without seeing him for the predatory [email protected] that he is, and then not only give you the shock of your life but also rip your heart and family apart.

I somehow don't think a wonderful person would opt for (c), do you ?


OK now no matter how bad you were (and how wonderful she was in the past), you need to understand that she C H E A T E D!

And that is completely on her no matter how justified you think she was.

And the only way you have of recovering from this is to first blow up this affair by exposing to all - does the POSOM have a wife or gf - if so, let her know. How did she meet this [email protected]@d ? If it was at work - blow him up there. Let family and friends know.

And if she gets upset, tell her that there was a right way and a wrong way to handle things and she chose the wrong way and you are trying to help her out of her bad choices.

And then separate and don't look back. Stop begging and blaming yourself for the affair. Walk away knowing that for once you did the right thing. And be a great dad. 

Your partner might just regain some of the respect and love she had for you when she sees you man up!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Bugalugs said:


> There is a lot of focus on her sleeping with this other guy and believe me it makes me sick to my stomach* but if you treat some one badly for three years and not give any love or affection or make her feel special or sexy then there will be consequences. *Traditionally I would have blown my top , cursed her from heaven and moved out but that is not how I feel.* If all you see is this other guy then you don't see how she carried us through me losing my job , losing my mum, and always being there even though she got nothing back.
> I see all that now and feel ashamed I made her so lonely and unappreciated. This is her first taste of happiness and excitement in years so I am not angry. *
> *Also, we have a four year old boy and before I put that hard road of coming from a broken family in his path then I will do everything in my power to keep her and save this family.
> This pain is intense and overwhelming but I have borne it for two months. She has carried pain of rejection for years.*


 I see you as a man who has gained some insightful self awareness in light of her finding another... to how *your own hand* has created her slipping through your fingers... kinda like Bruno Mars's  When I was your man- realization.

..Sounds you have been through some things & you ignored her care & trying to love on you..but she held strong through a rough ride with you... toughed it out...you recognize she treated you better than you deserved for a # of yrs...you even pushed her away emotionally... True.. a good many girlfriends would have walked away, rightfully so... made a clean break ... 

Did you find out about this affair or did she come to you honesty...and say "LOOK.. I met someone?".. and you & she are just now dissolving this.. Ya know.. break ups can be messy.. not excusing her sleeping with another. but your behavior wasn't so wonderful either.. sh** happens.. No one is perfect... but when one is humble about their faults & failings in a relationship .. it speaks a lot . ...I see you doing this.. Good for you!

Sometimes it takes a Don't Know What You Got Till It's Gone  to wake some up...

You are HERE... Now you have the fight of your life on your hands to show her you have changed.... seen the light.. that she is all you want.. it may be a little too little , too late...If she is worth it.. give it all you have.. But she needs to make a choice.. work with you/ leave the new man. or you are gone. 

I wish you the best.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Bugalugs, 

As you've so shocking found out, you need to tend to relationships or they wither on the vine. You've got a lot to learn. Stop chasing and groveling. She's gone and that type of behavior will only belittle you, not get her to change her view. 

Get a grip on your emotions, get some help. See a counselor, close friend, or family. 

Read this list, it can be of help moving forward... The 180 list

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-better-man-better-partner.html


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

what was the issue anyway? did you refuse to have sex with her? yell at her? stop talking to her...what?


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

Fell into a depression losing job and mother so became a 'poor me' victim and ignored her. I worked hard on staying positive and being a good dad but gave her nothing. Rejected sexual advances, silent treatment, slept downstairs a lot. All round passive aggressive a-hole,

She did. Not ask for much. An occasional date, a kind word or gesture but I failed to do even that. In a pattern often repeated before it was like I was subconsciously trying to drive her to breaking point. The relationship would fall apart and my general I ate feeling of being a failure would be reinforced again. 

However, when that moment came it was totally different. It was like I suddenly realised all she had done, how lucky I was and I just wanted to make her happy and be a family together. I know this sounds like convenient b.s. And I would give anything it it did not take her meeting some one else for me to finally see that.

The general feeling I am getting is that it's too lTe and I am acting pathetic now with no self respect but why should I not fight to get her back. Why should I not do everything in my power to keep her? 

Oddly we have our first family holiday coming up which had been booked months ago so she is willing to go for our boys sake but has laid out all the boundaries and assured me not to think we are a couple in any way but I am going to try to romance her from morning to night and maybe show her that we can still be good together. We can still be a family.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How about "asking" the [email protected] to stay away from married women with families in general and yours in particular ?

Is this widely exposed ? Does your/her family and friends know what she is doing while being married with kids ? How about POSOM's wife, family, friends, employers ?

Make this difficult for them to continue - he is definitely not the love of her life! Else you have no chance to work on anything.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> How about "asking" the [email protected] to stay away from married women with families in general and yours in particular ?
> 
> Is this widely exposed ? Does your/her family and friends know what she is doing while being married with kids ? How about POSOM's wife, family, friends, employers ?
> 
> Make this difficult for them to continue - he is definitely not the love of her life! Else you have no chance to work on anything.


MFL, Not to debate the legal or moral aspects of it, the OP uses the words "partner of six years". Not wife.



Bugalugs said:


> Fell into a depression losing job and mother so became a 'poor me' victim and ignored her. I worked hard on staying positive and being a good dad but gave her nothing. Rejected sexual advances, silent treatment, slept downstairs a lot. All round passive aggressive a-hole,
> 
> She did. Not ask for much. An occasional date, a kind word or gesture but I failed to do even that. In a pattern often repeated before it was like I was subconsciously trying to drive her to breaking point. The relationship would fall apart and my general I ate feeling of being a failure would be reinforced again.
> 
> ...


The 'pick me dance' does look pathetic, not attractive. She is not a thing that you would win or keep. 

Try if you must. Be aware as long as she has moved on to someone else and won't participate with you, your chances of luring her back with kindness are as good as winning a lottery. A tempting dream, not much of a reality. 

Best


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Fault doesn't matter, no one is keeping score on your life. It is what it is.

I do not think it is likely that you can reconnect with her again at this point, but if you want, you can try counseling. 

I would suggest instead that you have a clean break. You have the rest of your life to make another start with someone new and to try to make it work.


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

She is asleep beside me on the couch. We had a nice night but she was always checking her phone to see if he messaged her. I am up against it here but I continue to fight


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Maybe this is what you needed to awaken the alpha male in you. Court her, show her that you love her and that you still love her when their is no competion . You have history ( not all of it was positive) together and a child so play this in you favour.

And maybe just maybe could work. But if not you have to just let her go


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Kristisha said:


> Maybe this is what you needed to awaken the alpha male in you. Court her, show her that you love her and that you still love her when their is no competion . You have history ( not all of it was positive) together and a child so play this in you favour.
> 
> And maybe just maybe could work. But if not you have to just let her go


Really?!? She fvcks somebody else and he has to do some hard work to prove something ?!?


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

Thanks kristisha, I appreciate those words. The disgrace here is that I treated some one so bad for so long who did nothing but love and support me and now it is only through losing her that I see what a selfish idiot I was. Maybe it is too late but I can't give up without a fight.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Try you small gifts, like flowers a dinner, do the dishes once in a while so that she can notice you and be vocal a bout your feeling. Not in an aggressive way but put yourself out there . And be open about pursuing her.

Because maybe she still loves but she is to hurt to let her guess down. You have to convince that your change its not temporary. And give her compliments but not over do it . 

Good luck and keep us updated! 

P.s. How was today?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Really?!? She fvcks somebody else and he has to do some hard work to prove something ?!?


If he still wants to be with his wife, even after this, who am I to judge? 
:wink2:


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

Back from bizarre holiday. We definitely got closer ( even had sex) but she still had to talk to this guy for an hour on the phone every day. I am making some progress but the allure of this other guy is so powerful for her. I am afraid she is going to make life decision (where the the person who gets hurts most is our little boy) from this heightened state. I have told her that she has to choose one way or the other as the situation as is is unbearable but I fear I am am giving an ultimatum from a losing position.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Bugalugs said:


> I have told her that she has to choose one way or the other as the situation as is is unbearable but I fear I am am giving an ultimatum from a losing position.


Yeah not a good time to issue ultimatums.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am stumped here - what kind of person has sex with you while being "head over heels in love with another man". Does the other man know that she has sex with you ?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Congratulation you are officially a DOORMAT...what are you waiting for...for her to suddenly fall back in love with you, why should she, your willing to allow her to leave when ever she meets someone new have sex with them (please have yourself checked) and then come back to you...dear god grow up be a man and give her an ultimatum and stick to it.


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

the question is not why she is seeing some one else but rather why she stayed with me for so long getting little or nothing in return emotionally or physically. I am devastated it took her meeting some one else to wake me up and see just how much I had. Now I am not going to fight with her. I am going to fight for her. I have no right to issue any kind of ultimatum because I am suffering. She suffered a thousand times over the last few years and it has only been a couple of months for me. So I am going to 'man up' and continue to romance her and charm her and love her and hopefully I can win back her heart.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Bugalugs, its almost as if you are trying to wind people up on this forum (hmmm) ?

You constantly ignore my posts but thats OK, you are entitled to.

Why do you not answer even the simplest of questions:

If she was a wonderful person why would she not deal with you first rather than cheat?

If she is in love with POSOM why does she still sleep with you?


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> Bugalugs, its almost as if you are trying to wind people up on this forum (hmmm) ?
> 
> You constantly ignore my posts but thats OK, you are entitled to.
> 
> ...


After reading this, I think he is troll at best, or some one who heeds a IC in order to deal with his daemons at worst.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am stumped here - what kind of person has sex with you while being "head over heels in love with another man". Does the other man know that she has sex with you ?


Answer: *CAKE EATER*


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

I am not a troll or trying to wind anyone up. Just found this site and thought it would be good way to express my feelings in writing and maybe get some advice. She did talk to many times about how unhappy she was and that it would be better if we split up. I would promise to try and be better but would soon lapse into my usual self involved selfish self. 

I think she slept with me because she still loves me and has feelings for me. She also has very strong feelings for this new guy where everything is exciting and new. I think she is confused as to which way to go. That tells me that I have hope and that's all I ask is a chance to prove I have changed. 

I know all the cynics will think that this is not permanent change but I know different. There is no guarantee we will make it if we do get back together but it will not be for lack of trying by me and that is what sabotaged us in the first place.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Bugalugs said:


> I am not a troll or trying to wind anyone up. Just found this site and thought it would be good way to express my feelings in writing and maybe get some advice. She did talk to many times about how unhappy she was and that it would be better if we split up. I would promise to try and be better but would soon lapse into my usual self involved selfish self.
> 
> I think she slept with me because she still loves me and has feelings for me. She also has very strong feelings for this new guy where everything is exciting and new. I think she is confused as to which way to go. That tells me that I have hope and that's all I ask is a chance to prove I have changed.
> 
> I know all the cynics will think that this is not permanent change but I know different. There is no guarantee we will make it if we do get back together but it will not be for lack of trying by me and that is what sabotaged us in the first place.


"Trying" by you when she is using you as "plan b" is not going to fix your problems. If you didn't have a child with her, then this would be easy to fix, by your leaving her to her exciting new love.

Unfortunately, since you do have a child with her, you are in a very bad position. You are going to need to learn to stand up for yourself either way, but this leaves you (and the boy) very vulnerable. Who is taking care of him while she is off with her new boyfriend?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bugalugs said:


> the question is not why she is seeing some one else but rather why she stayed with me for so long getting little or nothing in return emotionally or physically. I am devastated it took her meeting some one else to wake me up and see just how much I had. Now I am not going to fight with her. I am going to fight for her. I have no right to issue any kind of ultimatum because I am suffering. She suffered a thousand times over the last few years and it has only been a couple of months for me. So I am going to 'man up' and continue to romance her and charm her and love her and hopefully I can win back her heart.


If you want to try to get your relationship back there is a book that I think will help you.

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.

There are different philosophies on who to handle an affair. It's up to you to decide what is right for you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Bugalugs said:


> My partner of six years has met someone else a couple of months ago and has fallen head over heels in love.


 She was in a committed relationship with you complete with child. She cheated on you and is now leaving you for her affair partner. There is no excuse for cheating. If she was unhappy she should have left you prior to her cheating. Had she done the right thing and left you before she cheated, you would have had a chance and earning her back, but with this new affair partner, you do not stand the fair chance at fixing things that you could have expected without the cheating. BTW cheaters almost always reinvent history to make you out to be the bad guy. I am sure that you made mistakes, but so did she. Humans are not perfect, but cheaters always try to hold their partners to a standard of perfection that will insure that they can blame you, a standard of perfection that they do not hold for themselves. The very fact that you admit to your mistakes, and are willing to work on them, proves that she could have worked with you on this prior to her cheating, if that were the real issue. Please stop buying into her false blame shifting for her cheating.



Bugalugs said:


> However, has told me that she is going to pursue this other relation to see what happens and there is no doubt right now that she is thinking of leaving me.


 She has already left you, as you are just roommates now.



Bugalugs said:


> Right now we still live together but she says we are not together so again she is going away for two days with this other guy.





Bugalugs said:


> This is the third time she has gone away and the hours go by so slowly that it is almost unbearable. I almost don't know how to cope with this. I don't want to give up but she is so hopelessly smitten with this other guy that


 You do not know how to cope with this because no human should be made to cope with this. She is a cold and remorseless cheater that you should be glad is out of your life. You need to move on, as you can do better. I have read of very few cheaters on this site that have been so heartless.


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## Bugalugs (May 25, 2015)

So she has told me that she wants to give us another go. We have been getting on great and she is talking and planning a future for us together. She has promised she will stop contacting him but I know that is a lie cos I heard her on the phone to him last night. 

I think she does want to give us a go but you can't unring a bell and I don't think those feelings she has for him are going to subside cos that relationship never moved out of the incredible exciting fantasy stage into any kindly reality and now will be forever frozen in time that way. So, will she always wonder 'what if' which makes me think I will now always be the consolation prize. Maybe we are doomed to fail after all.


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