# Advice please, sex life at risk of becoming non-existant!



## Steel Surgeon (Sep 14, 2012)

Here's the skinny. My wife and I have been together for Ten years. For the last nine of them, my wife has had ZERO desire for sex. We have sex, on average, once a month. And even when we do make love, I feel like I'm in this thing alone. She mostly just lays there with a quite obvious (though unspoken) attitude of "do what you want just don't wake me up." Rarely does she really show any enthusiasm for the act. I fell like she's only doing because she knows if she stopped sleeping with me entirely I would just say f*** it and leave. (She's right on that, BTW, I told her before we got married I have no desire to live in a sexless marriage, and if she ever stopped sleeping with me, it would be, quite quickly, over for good)

The other night we were out at a Halloween party with some friends, one of our friends says (as a joke) "Oh, he's gonna get some tonight!"

My wife's response? "No he isn't, I worked a double today." And honestly, it wouldn't have mattered if she hadn't. I still wasn;t going to get any.

I have tried talking to her about it, reasoning with her about it, trying to show her how important sex really is to me (It ranks right below air and food, and possibly ABOVE food.

On one occasion she told me it wouldn't bother her if we never had sex again. Not that she doesn't want to have sex with ME, just that she just doesn't want to have sex. She says it's too much work. 

I tell her I'm horny, she says "The lotion's in the bathroom."

before anyone suggests that I might just be really bad at it, (and I'm not trying to toot my own horn here) I'm well equipped, and I know what I'm doing with it. My personal record with her is 12 O's in one session. (though That was when we were in our early 20's, and neither one of us have the stamina for that kind of marathon session anymore) 

I don't think I've ever failed to make her O, while she hasn't gotten me off in almost two years now. 

it's just the complete lack of enthusiasm for the act from her. I kiss her, I touch her, I caress her, I make love to her like she's the last woman on earth. And she just lays there like a dead fish. it's like humping the couch. When I kiss her she doesn't even really kiss me back. She just kind of lets me kiss her, y'know? it turns me off. 

She doesn't even like to talk about sex. She gets embarrassed and clams up and won't talk. 

At one point, one of her friends had her convinced I had a sex addiction, since her BF at the time had been diagnosed with sex addiction because he "desired sex or had sexual thoughts more than three times a month." Under that definition, almost everyone I know is a sex addict. 

The one time I really got her talk about the subject, I told her what I wanted, what I NEEDED sexually, and she simply responded "I'm sorry, that's just not me. I'm just not like that." 

Then there's the sex itself. It's terrible. She allows two positions, both missionary, me on top or her on top. That's it. nothing else is acceptable ("Too uncomfortable" in her words.) And Doggystyle is demeaning, according to her. 

She WILL NOT, under any circumstances, give me a BJ. "I'm married I don't have to do that anymore." She has actually said that. TO MY FACE! And she LAUGHED, like it was funny. That is not funny. that is serious as a heart attack.

It has to be in the bed, with the lights off, at night. I got her to have sex once in the shower. that'll never happen again. 

And then there's the SCIENCE of it. There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING that will "turn her on". There is no switch. She's either up for it or she ain't. 

And she's only up for it for 48 hours before her period starts or 48 hours after it ends. That's my window to do whatever it takes to get her in the mood during that time (sex during the period is out of the question) or I'm SOL until next month. if I piss her off, fail to do something she asked of me, or for myriad other reasons, she may never get "in the mood".

Everybody, I'm so frustrated I could scream. In fact, I have, many times. 

I have the same sex drive I had when I was a teenager. I could do it three times a day. I masturbate at least once a day. I have to, or the baby batter builds up and I walk around feeling like someone kicked me in the junk.

She, herself, even asked me if she should give me a "hall pass" or just let me sleep with another woman to get my rocks off because she just... can't even make herself do it.

I'm not falling into that trap. Besides, we live in a small rural town in Nebraska. there isn't a huge selection of women here and believe me, NONE of them want anything to do with me. They didn't fifteen years ago in high school, they still don't. 

I just don't even know what to do anymore. I cry at random times if I think about it too much. I used to be really depressed and suicidal back in high school due to the complete lack of attention by the opposite sex, (I'm FAR from the most attractive guy on earth. in fact, calling me Fugly would be being nice) and my current situation is making bullets sound tasty again.

HELP!


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

What's good about the relationship, that you've chosen to stay in it this long? Seriously, there is almost zero chance that anything will change - except to get even worse.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't get why you're even bothering to stay with her.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> What's good about the relationship, that you've chosen to stay in it this long? Seriously, there is almost zero chance that anything will change - except to get even worse.


Agreed. Very little chance. And that very little chance is only if he leaves. Otherwise it's zero chance.


----------



## Steel Surgeon (Sep 14, 2012)

because we really are happy, besides that. Everything else about our lives together is as well as could be expected. We're poor, but we're happy, for the most part, except that.

And I wouldn't throw her away if there was some medical reason we couldn't have sex. Why would I throw her away for something that she (apparently) has no control of. She just 
doesn't like sex, just like I don't like asparagus. Simple as that. And I KNEW she wasn't a freak in the sheets when we got married. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal for me. 

And sex once a month is still better than no sex at all, which is what I would face if I was single again.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

The title of your thread says you are at risk of your sex life becoming non existant. I'm afraid I have some bad news - you are already there.

Why in the world are you still with this woman? She obviously knows exactly how far she can push you on your threat to leave her quickly on the grounds of no sex. She doesn't believe you and frankly I don't believe you either.

You are being seriously abused in this relationship. You've got one life to have sex with a woman who cant get enough of you. Your wife isn't that woman. And she told you ti have sex with someone else - and this still isn't enough to end it?

I think sometimes.when we are being mistreated the pain becomes regular and comfortable because its what we know.

Seriously, my friend, this ship has sailed as you describe.


----------



## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

Besides the huge malignant cancerous tumor in my lung, I'm in perfect health!

Don't cry about it if you aren't willing to do anything about it.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Sex once per month with someone who barely tolerates you and lies there as if dead is NOT better than no sex.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Friend

It doesn't matter if your equipped with a phone pole or a tooth pick in your pants, to be honest, it's abuse. To make it worse she doesn't care one way or the other and when she wanted to give you a hall pass and go screw another woman, well that's pretty much a slap in the face.

Two choices. One day while you home by yourself, move her stuff in to the other bedroom or if you don't have one, hand her sheets, blanket and a pillow and tell her that the couch is now her bed. I would also tell her that your marriage is in real danger not because your addicted to sex but YOUR EFFING NORMAL AND SHE ISN'T. I would tell her to either call and make an appointment for the doctors and find out what the problem is or call an attorney because she isn't the least bit interested in your feelings and as long as you let her get away with it, the tougher it will be. 

Also. One night, get a shower and put some good clothes on and go out for a few hours. If she asks just tell her you going out. Do this a few times and keep it to yourself and let her sweat it out. If she keeps bringing it up, just tell her you gave me hall pass so I'm checking the line up to see what's available and if I don't come home one night, don't worry, I'll be in good hands. She shouldn't have any complaints and you remind her of it.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Sex once per month with someone who barely tolerates you and lies there as if dead is NOT better than no sex.


I used to get sex when I want four to ten times a week for seventeen years. When I was getting sex I'd rather jag off than get corpse sex. Well due to an hd / ld dynamic I haven't had PIV in three years. At this point corpse sex would be an upgrade over no sex or masterbation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Steel - I just read your post again. Its really pissing me off.

You cannot write a post like that and then turn around and say everything is totally peachy with your wife and you guys are super happy. You mention feeling suicidal - feeling depressed - crying. When any person is rejected by their spouse so chronically and so coldly it is going to do major emotional damage. And it is by your admission. Our sexual selves are quite vulnerable - being rejected on that level causes damage that takes a long time to get over.

She doesn't have a medical condition. It is in her control. She doesn't like sex - awesome. She has the rest of her life to be sexless. We had a post just yesterday by a man who had his penis removed due to cancer. He still found a way to adapt and be intimate with his.wife. Because he cares for her. Because they are married and that's part of the deal.

I think what's happened is that you didn't have a high opinion of yourself to begin with and now you are in this situation that is making things worse. Who gives a **** what you look like. If you are a good, kind man who will be a good spouse that is what matters. She is treating you horribly. She does not deserve the stability that this marriage is providing her.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jay1365 said:


> Besides the huge malignant cancerous tumor in my lung, I'm in perfect health!
> 
> Don't cry about it if you aren't willing to do anything about it.


Exactly. Based on his attitude he just needs to get used to it since he's not going to be willing to do anything about it.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

The BJ comment shows what her thoughts are....she's married now and doesn't have to put in the work anymore.

You need to take charge and change the dynamic of the relationship now.

"Sex is the glue of the marriage" "Marriage is a sexual relationship"...etc.

In the end, you are not getting your needs met and it appears your wife has no intentions of even trying to meet them. How is this a "good" relationship?


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

How can you say you have a good marriage,yet your
saying your wife says sex is to much work.

I wonder if her attitude would change if you told her 
you can't live like this and want a divorce.

Funny how they change when they know your serious
about divorcing them over this small need.

If you have no kids with her,you have no reason
to put up with this treatment.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Steel Surgeon said:


> Here's the skinny. My wife and I have been together for Ten years. For the last nine of them, my wife has had ZERO desire for sex. We have sex, on average, once a month. And even when we do make love, I feel like I'm in this thing alone. She mostly just lays there with a quite obvious (though unspoken) attitude of "do what you want just don't wake me up." Rarely does she really show any enthusiasm for the act. I fell like she's only doing because she knows if she stopped sleeping with me entirely I would just say f*** it and leave. (She's right on that, BTW, I told her before we got married I have no desire to live in a sexless marriage, and if she ever stopped sleeping with me, it would be, quite quickly, over for good)
> 
> The other night we were out at a Halloween party with some friends, one of our friends says (as a joke) "Oh, he's gonna get some tonight!"
> 
> ...



I feel for you because you sound like me and your wife is like mine.

The parallels are uncanny. I can relate.

What I've learned, is that the LD spouse will never see their lack of sexual desire as the problem. It's always the high drive spouses fault. Yet a loving wife is supposed to take care of her hubby's needs and vise versa. This is not the case the the LD spouse. There isn't much you can do beside relieving yourself to porn, having a physical affair (friend with benefits) or just divorce her and find a woman with a healthy high sex drive and there are many out there.

I say, start doing things for yourself and go to a gym. Get in great shape, start socializing and meeting new people.

Is there a possibility she is seeing someone else? Emotional affair, Physical Affair?

She should go to the Dr. and get herself checked out. Meds might be required.

You may have to tell her, I need sex, a middle ground must be reached. You could have sex every day and she could have sex 1x month or less. Sex 3x every week. You could get divorce papers drawn up and say to her, MC for us, sex 3x week or we're done!!!


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

What a very sad post.

If you are not prepared to leave her, then why not take the hall pass? You are not the inexperienced high school boy that nobody is interested in. You need to do something to give you some confidence.

I was a terrible ugly duckling in the high school years and went around thinking nobody would ever want me. Eventually for various reasons I bucked up my ideas, became confident (had to fake it until I made it on that front) and discovered that being clean, properly groomed, cheerful and confident seemed to result in men being interested.

I'd bet that in your small town there are several women with dire husbands who do nothing in bed who would like nothing better than an attentive lover.

Of course, an affair would bring a myriad of other problems, so despite what I say about accepting the hall pass, I don't think it is a great idea. But you need to believe in yourself before you will get anywhere, with the wife or without.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This isn't about sex, it's about respect and sorry to say, but it's also about money. 

We are married so I don't have to give you oral sex any more - laughing - is a Total Castration Move. 

Notice what she said in public: He isn't getting any, because I worked a double today (subtext is - I have to work doubles because he isn't making much money)

------
This isn't about lust, it's about self respect, caring and kindness. 




Steel Surgeon said:


> because we really are happy, besides that. Everything else about our lives together is as well as could be expected. We're poor, but we're happy, for the most part, except that.
> 
> And I wouldn't throw her away if there was some medical reason we couldn't have sex. Why would I throw her away for something that she (apparently) has no control of. She just
> doesn't like sex, just like I don't like asparagus. Simple as that. And I KNEW she wasn't a freak in the sheets when we got married. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal for me.
> ...


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Steel Surgeon said:


> She WILL NOT, under any circumstances, give me a BJ. "I'm married I don't have to do that anymore." She has actually said that. TO MY FACE! And she LAUGHED, like it was funny. That is not funny. that is serious as a heart attack.
> HELP!


 The next time she asks you to do something for her like help around the house or anything at all, look her square in the eye and say, "I'm married. I don't have to do that anymore and laugh your ass off TO HER FACE! You know like "honey empty the garbage or help with the dishes, stuff like that and walk away after you laugh and keep laughing. Then jump on the computer and Google "Rent A Tramp" and let her see you doing it.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Steel Surgeon said:


> And sex once a month is still better than no sex at all, which is what I would face if I was single again.


 And a kick to the balls once a month is better than being kicked every day. 

Look dude. I'm not really feeling sorry for you at this point because your talking out of you ass. This isn't a happy marriage and how do I know that? Because your the one posting a thread about a stone cold frigid wife that will not under any circumstances move off of square one to find a happy middle ground with your problem and makes you feel like crap. Now either you shake her tree and wake her selfish, inconsiderate, and frozen ass up and find out what the problem is or your going to be 30 someday and have all the skin worn off you hand of choice while she sits around in your real happy marriage just keeping it warm for herself. Get a lawyer and file for divorce and move the hell on with your life. Find someone normal.


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I have a similar story to that of the OP. 

First, it may be a hormonal issue. I would not say it is the most likely but it is possible. 

Second, it sounds harsh but it seems like she has built up some serious walls. You have thrown enough sand at that brick wall and got nowhere. It may be time to consider a separation or moving on. Marriage aside, consider reading No More Mister Nice Guy.


----------



## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

Does she take any birth control or any medication at all? That could play into it. Her attitude sounds like it's not just that, but medication could start the low libido and then she get defensive over time not knowing why it's so low. I was also unclear whether this frequency was true your entire relationship? Or if this is new? Is she willing to go to marriage counseling to figure it out? 

Also, I'm guessing the answer is no, but I'll ask because if my own experiences, how did you react when it first became a point of contention? Did you react badly in a way that would be verbally harsh? I'm guessing it was more slow of a conflict that developed as you don't seem to be blaming her, but if you have reacted harshly when it first became a problem, then that can create intense anxiety and cause her to lose libido even more. Again i doubt that's the situation but I wanted to point it out.

If she's not been on any medication that could explain it, she may very likely be asexual and not realize it. There's varying levels of asexuality just like any other sexuality, and it may be getting more obvious. If that's the case you probably just need to leave. If she naturally just has little or no sex drive, then it's really not going to ever be satisfying for you, and you'll most likely end up cheating if an opportunity presents itself. Plus you just won't be happy in general.

Also do you have any reason to believe there could be an affair?


----------

