# My mum just told me that she an AFFAIR



## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

My mum just told me that she had an affair with a married man. I'm in shock because I didn't even saw it coming !

I want to be supportive of her but I just don't know how to do it.

So she said that she had an affair with her boss for more then a year and because he decided to take a promotion in another country , they had to split. She told me that she is embarrassed because he is married, and the fact that she dispised the mistress now she is just one of them...

I'm in a complete disbelieve and shocked!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, jeez! I don't care how close you are, no mom should lay that kind of sh!t on her daughter.

What is she expecting of you? Does she want you to comfort her because she's sad that she and her "boyfriend" broke up?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm sad and upset and angry because we had a good relationship in the last years but all off the sudden she says to me this.... I cant even think, I want to comfort her but I just can't .

I don't know what to do especially since I'm the only child....


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... hopefully your mother isn't married herself...? Like, to your father...?!?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

They are separate for a few years now


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Kristisha said:


> They are separate for a few years now



And this affair is the cause?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

No, they are separated for 8 years now. They got separated when I went to college and a few years she got promoted and started to work abroad and met this guy with whom she had an affair for almost 1 year, at least that's what she said to me.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your mother is the Other Woman. Face the kind of individual your mother is. Her boss is a married man. She is causing breakdown of another marriage. She may be your mother and you love her, but she is a cheater to another man's wife.

She is looking for comfort from you about losing her lover. Do not encourage this behavior. Tell her that she is in the wrong. You can't divorce your mother, but you don't have to go along with this affair. 

You should not let this go lightly. What was the cause of your parent's separation? Perhaps, another affair of your mother's. Talk to your father from his perspective. See your mother as another person. You're in a tough position; however, you deserve to see who your mother really is.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You may want to encourage your Mom to get tested for stds.

That would be difficult to discuss, but it might be easier if you send her an email.

Her health should be important to her and I hope she does find a way to keep your relationship on a good level.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

My parents were sleeping in different bedrooms and they were pretty much like strangers before the separation. I mean even the finances were separate.

For now I can't speak with her and she was about to come to visit( we live in different countries) and I said to her not to bother but she bought the ticket . I feel awful and for some reason betrayed...

I don't know what to do, I don't want to see her


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> You may want to encourage your Mom to get tested for stds.
> 
> That would be difficult to discuss, but it might be easier if you send her an email.
> 
> Her health should be important to her and I hope she does find a way to keep your relationship on a good level.


Oh God, this is even worse then I thought so yea I definelly say to her to get tested


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You told her not to buy the ticket. Yet, she buys the ticket to see you anyway. You don't want to see her. Tell her that you don't want to see her as of yet. She may be able to get reimbursement from her ticket. Her actions tells you that no opinions matter to her, but what she wants, she will get.

I definitely don't want to be in your place. Your mother is acting like an out of control teenager, but with a checkbook. If she shows up, just be honest with your feelings. You cannot control your mother, but you can control how to react on your own feelings.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

My husband talked to her on the phone offering her the reimbursement of the ticket ans she refused . I am so furious because you are right she is acting like a teenager and for Gods sake she is 47 and she is expecting me to support her. I said that I just can do it and frankly I can't even talk with her.

The thing is my parents had a few affairs while I was still at home. They never said anything about it but I found out by mistake and I was disgusted with them. And you know what was their excuse? They don't want to divide the assets , not even now after so many years.

I tried as much as possible to have a relantionship with them as long as they keep for themselves but this, this is like she doesn't care for my feelings

Because I don't want to know about it, I don't want to be her friend so what the hell..??


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Kristisha said:


> My parents were sleeping in different bedrooms and they were pretty much like strangers before the separation. I mean even the finances were separate.
> 
> For now I can't speak with her and she was about to come to visit( we live in different countries) and I said to her not to bother but she bought the ticket . I feel awful and for some reason betrayed...
> 
> I don't know what to do, I don't want to see her


Of course you feel betrayed, honey. That's OK, and totally legitimate. Our parents are our first behavioral and moral compass; they set the course, and as children, we model their behavior. As children, our parents are gods to us. And you are disappointed that your mother could do something that you find morally reprehensible... because you looked up to her, because you thought you knew her, and the mother that you thought you knew never would have been capable of something so awful.

No one is perfect, of course, but there is a difference between "normal flawed human being" and "dude, you got problems."

You need to draw a line with her and you need to be firm. You obviously don't approve of this behavior. Tell her that she can't come visit you right now, because you don't want to see her right now; tell her that if she insists on keeping her flight, that you and your husband will be out of town and unavailable, because you need some time to process what she told you. Tell her that she was out of line for putting this on you, and that she needs to remember that you are her daughter, NOT her friend. Tell her that you cannot comfort her in losing her lover. Tell her you love her and that she will always be your mother, but you can't support her in this; she made a poor decision, and now she has to deal with the consequences of those actions, and that one of those consequences is that she is going to need an STD test. Be honest, and level-headed. Try not to get emotional.

What do YOU need right now? Focus on that, and put yourself first. This is very selfish behavior of your mother's part.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you all for your comments because I feel like I am doing the right thing here even though I feel guilty for not wanting to speak with her and not wanting to see her. I will be firm you are right.

I want a mum not another friend. But she doesn't get it. The problem is that I know this guy and his family and it makes me sick. How could they? I mean I know his family.

Anyhow I said to her to keep me out of this whole situation to solve the way she see fit. 

Thank God my husband understand me even though it's embarrassing , I mean it was so hard to explain to him why I was crying and why I didn't want to see her and why I am not answering her calls.

In fact this is beyond embarrasing.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Kristina
In life we can only control what we do ourselves, not what others do, so you should feel no guilt or shame for what she has done.

Also, moral decisions are often very complex and I think it is very difficult to judge someone else's decisions without being in their heads. 

I think the best you can do is tell her what you posted here - you want, you need her to be your mum, not your friend. You need her to advise you, you cannot advise her.


I cannot claim to have been sinless in my long life, so I can't really fault others for their sins.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Thank you Richard for your Input, all I asked her is not to tell me anything from her love life, the same I asked my dad because you know it's not easy when they are your parents.

And I feel like she crossed the line not only in telling me about it but putting me in a difficult situation. I said to her that I cant give her any advice, because if I could , I would be very critical and she got upset because she can't rely on me.

And I just exploded , how can she say that? I hope one day I will be able to rekindle the relantionship but for now the future is bleak between us.

But I will write her an email just to make sure she get tested. I hope the tests will be okay.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

There's a difference between telling your mom that what she did was ****ty and stupid, and therefore you can't support her emotionally with this situation, and 

Not loving your mom any more.

"Mom, I love you and I always will. I think what you did was stupid and ****ty and as a grown woman you must have known that it would all end in tears. I can't support your decision to do this, and I can't support you now that it's fallen apart without being critical. So I'll support you the only way I can, which is by being your daughter, not your priest if you're looking for absolution."


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Your mother feels lonely, and stupid and in shame, that's why she came to you. She is human, not just your mother, and made a mistake, for which she is paying now. It is understandable that you don't like what she did, and that she chose to share with it. But she is still your mother. She would not reject you if you did this kind of mistake. she would tell you "Honey, I don't like what you did, but you are always welcome in my house'. Can you do the same for her?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

WandaJ now I'm feeling very guilty and I called her to tell her that I'm still upset but she can come and visit us. She waited for this visit a few months and I miss her as well. We just have to work through it because I still want to have a serious conversation with her.

In a week she will be here so wish me luck!


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Her being your mom and her having an affair are totally separate from you. Her choices are her choices. You are both grown adults. If she is a good mom to you, why would you let it affect your relationship with her? Life is too short. You are her daughter, not her mate. Love her, express to her you wont agree and then drop it. She needs you.

I disagree with telling your mom to get tested. Your mom is a grown woman who is responsible for herself. She doesnt need you telling you to get tested. She should know how to be safe and to get tested. Its really none of your business (though I know she put you in it by telling you).


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

bkyln309 said:


> Her being your mom and her having an affair are totally separate from you. Her choices are her choices. You are both grown adults. If she is a good mom to you, why would you let it affect your relationship with her? Life is too short. You are her daughter, not her mate. Love her, express to her you wont agree and then drop it. She needs you.
> 
> I disagree with telling your mom to get tested. Your mom is a grown woman who is responsible for herself. She doesnt need you telling you to get tested. She should know how to be safe and to get tested. Its really none of your business (though I know she put you in it by telling you).


Could not agree more.:iagree:


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

An update, I spoke with her on the phone and she said the she was relieved that I still want to see her. She said that nobody knows about them and she needed to say it to someone.

I advised her to see a therapist and she agreed. Regarding the testing, I already had the talk about that and she said that she got tested and everything is in order.

She also said that she is in loved with him and you know I said to her as respectful as I could that I can't help her with that but seeing a therapist will definelly be good for her.

And th rest of the conversation was about our girly stuff that we want to do when she will be here.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

perfect. You have handled this as loving, adult daughter


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Kristisha said:


> An update, I spoke with her on the phone and she said the she was relieved that I still want to see her. *She said that nobody knows about them and she needed to say it to someone.*
> 
> I advised her to see a therapist and she agreed. Regarding the testing, I already had the talk about that and she said that she got tested and everything is in order.
> 
> ...


The bolded part above is what bothers me. She knew it was wrong, which is why nobody know. And then she dumping all of this on you, which is unfair. If she needs to talk to someone about it, it should be a therapist or a friend... NOT her daughter.

So I'm glad you established that boundary with her, that you're not going to let this mess with your relationship with her. I hope she will get a therapist and not push you to be her support system on this.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is ok to be blunt with your mom and still love her. I had to learn that lesson pretty early.

She grew up and changed her ways but when she used to try and bring her stupidity around me, I was out.

Letting her know what she is doing is stupid and you don't want any part in it is perfectly reasonable. Loving someone doesn't mean loving everything they do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

FeministInPink said:


> The bolded part above is what bothers me. She knew it was wrong, which is why nobody know. And then she dumping all of this on you, which is unfair. If she needs to talk to someone about it, it should be a therapist or a friend... NOT her daughter.
> 
> So I'm glad you established that boundary with her, that you're not going to let this mess with your relationship with her. I hope she will get a therapist and not push you to be her support system on this.


That bothers me too. On many levels.

Once a parent starts relying on their child to offer emotional support and perhaps even guidance and acceptance when they know what they are doing is wrong...

Danger city.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Totally inappropriate for her to be discussing this with you. You, however, handled it perfectly. Like a lady and a loving daughter. 

Your parents issues and choices are not yours. I understand your issue...I don't really know my mother -she left when I was very young. My father, however, has been married many many many times. He cheated on pretty much all of them -I have watched, first hand, my whole life, marriages disintegrate. I've been married for nearly 25 years -my father always jokes that he has been married longer. Just not in a row...or to the same person. 

I look like him & sound like him -we have the same name. We are not the same person.

You are not your mother -You have no ownership over her choices. You can love the women without loving all the things she does


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

This is not the first time she tried and do that with me but back then I was to young and stupid.

Anyhow we had a very bad relationship because of her trying to make me "her friend" and we rekindled just a few years back. So you know I did tried to be the best daughter I could even though I was very explicit that I don't want to be her friend.

Fast forward it's still hard for me not to shut her down but I feel very guilty about it. And then she calls me, and I just can stay upset with her. I am just disappointed .

This site helped me a lot and you guys. You make me realize that I am not crazy for feeling the way I feel and trying to find a solution in here is proving very productive.


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