# Wife would divorce me over her study



## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

I have been together with my wife for over 5 years and we have been married and living together for 3.5 years now. We have a son that's 2 years old and we are living in with my wife`s parents. I am not working because I am in the country on a visitor visa and not allowed to work, we have a spousal sponsorship being processed. My wife has been almost continuously studying while I have been here with her, either part time or full time and has been receiving social aid and student money to pay the bills. Only recently has she graduated university with a BA and has found a full time job about 2 months ago. In the meanwhile I stay home and look after our son. She wants to get her master degree and has been looking for options for online courses. I have always supported her in her education plans and now she wants to do a yearlong fulltime study. This wouldn't be a problem weren't it for me facing a admissibility hearing and maybe even deportation from the country because I have run out of status. So with me facing the prospect of being shipped back to my own country and not be allowed to come back to be with my family I was hoping that my wife and son could stay with me for a time in my country and go back and stay in her own country as well, take turns as it were until we found a better solution
My wife is having none of this and wants to study fulltime and only come over maybe a few times a year. I love my family a lot and could not stand having to be without them for that long. So I told her this is unfair, I have always supported your studies and you told me that after doing your ba with honors you would take an online masters course. She told me that if I didn't want to support her in this study plan then maybe we should get a divorce.. This didn't make any sense to me and I was surprised she would even say such a thing. I mean really you would dump your husband and deny your son a father because of a study, she doesn't even want to discuss the matter. I feel that I have shown her a lot of dedication throughout the years, basically putting my own life on hold so she could pursue her dreams and now she wants a divorce because we cant come to an agreement about a 1 year class. I just don't know what to do.


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## rsexton (Jul 27, 2016)

Hi, what country r u in and your wife in?

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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

rsexton said:


> Hi, what country r u in and your wife in?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Canada


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## rsexton (Jul 27, 2016)

Ok. I am not familiar with Canadian law but I still think this applies. If u are married to a Canadian citizen than you can not be deported. Not sure if this is factual but...

I am a US citizen. My husband of 13yrs is from Tunis. He came here in 2000 on a student visa. No papers. Stayed past the date working making cash as cook in restaurants. After we got married we did his papers. Then he got his citizen ship 4 years ago. 

90% of restaurants in US has undocumented workers. They make cash. No issues. I know 100's of arabs, mexicans, cubans, asians, and even Americans who do this. So you can work. It just not fun work. Lol. 

As for your wife just be patient. She is trying to accomplish something and it's good you are there for her she is probably just stressed about it all. I remember how difficult it was. 

I know about 15 people who came to US with no papers at all. They have them now. My husband has a friend in Canada who had a student visa as well and stayed his visa ran out. He worked for cash and got married to a woman from Canada he has citizen know. 

Hope this helps

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What country are you from?

I am also puzzled by your wife. She wants to do an online course and doesn't understand that the Internet is what it says on the box: "The World Wide Web?"

There may be more to this than meets the eye.

You should approach a lawyer for some initial free help. Also, contact your own embassy for advice.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with the above....i don't see how you can be deported from Canada if your wife is a Canadian citizen. 

She likely feels a lot of pressure from being the sole provider as well, and studies are clearly important to her. 

Please talk to a lawyer and get your papers so you can start working and establish a life as a partner with your wife. 

What is your home country?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Also, you need to check this out: Become a Canadian citizen


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Does your spouse or partner want to work while they wait for their application to be processed?
> 
> If you are sponsoring your spouse or partner under the Spouse or Common-Law Partner in-Canada Class, they may be eligible for an open work permit. Find out how to apply.


You could apply for a spouse permit to work during this time. And evidently could have the entire time you've been married. So I'm kind of confused on the idea you couldn't have worked. 

As for your wife, had you previously discussed moving to your home country? You are living with her parents currently for support. Whom would you live with in your home country or where would you live? I'm assuming she'd no longer be able to get any kind of student support when in a foreign country, and her parents may or may not assist if you move. So what's the plan for how you'd live and support yourselves? Do you have any money saved?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Screw her, seriously. Anyone able to give up on their marriage and spouse that easily can go take a hike.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Give her the divorce and take your son with you back home.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

This. Take your kid, go back to your home country and file for divorce.

You're the stay at home father raising him. Stop being a dumb husband and a doormat.

She clearly thinks she has all the say in your child's affairs because she has vagina.

Welcome her into the 21st century....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> This. Take your kid, go back to your home country and file for divorce.
> 
> You're the stay at home father raising him. Stop being a dumb husband and a doormat.
> 
> ...


He could be jammed in jail for kidnap with that idea. Tempting though it might be.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> You're the stay at home father raising him. Stop being a dumb husband and a doormat.


Because he claims he can't work, which by any information available from the country immigration laws doesn't seem to be true. When women say they can't work for less than stellar reasons, there is a way different reaction. 

And again "we should move to my home country" when neither of them has a job (and he doesn't seem particularly inspired to find out the true legality if he can have one) and they might have no where to live isn't a plan. I wouldn't be gungho to move a town over or a state over let alone to a different country without some more defined plan.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

And what's going to be the legality of her finding a job in the other country? Is it going to be the same situation but in reverse? Is this other country the USA where driving back and forth is feasible? Or are we talking 13 hour expensive plane trips a few times a month? How do you move countries a few times a year and keep a job?

I don't know, I feel like she's looked up or questions what you've been telling her about your application. A simple internet search reveals that spouse not being able to work is not exactly true. I think it's less about her schooling and less about going to another country with someone who might not be exactly telling the truth.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> He could be jammed in jail for kidnap with that idea. Tempting though it might be.


Why? He has at this moment as much right to the child has she does. I never said he should not allow her to see him. She can fly to where for all the visits she wants.

I say this tongue and cheek of course but the reality is with him being the "nurturing parent" ie SAHD odds are good he would get custody AND be owe child support.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Because he claims he can't work, which by any information available from the country immigration laws doesn't seem to be true. When women say they can't work for less than stellar reasons, there is a way different reaction.
> 
> And again "we should move to my home country" when neither of them has a job (and he doesn't seem particularly inspired to find out the true legality if he can have one) and they might have no where to live isn't a plan. I wouldn't be gungho to move a town over or a state over let alone to a different country without some more defined plan.


Fairly certain OP has a plan or at the very least clearly sees more employment opportunity from his home country. It doesn't sound like he wants to go there for the weather and cuisine. 

He wants to provide for his family and live independently. She wants to be a professional student living with her parents for the foreseeable future while he babysits. I'd be frustrated too. 

She's got her bachelors. There's no reason she can't at least work WHILE pursuing her masters so they can get their own place...


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

My wife being a Canadian citizen does not give me any protection against deportation. Not having a valid status in the country is enough a reason. For me to get a work permit to work in Canada I either have to have a few years of "Canadian" work experience or I have to receive first stage approval on my spousal sponsorship application.
We had plans to move to Europe, where I'm from and were using the spousal application more of a way to give us some more time until we got our things in order and got some money to move. I haven't been there in years so would have to start from scratch, finding a job and getting a home, though this should take a while its not an insurmountable obstacle, I do have work experience over there. 
For the last couple of months she has been eyeing online courses of universities located in the UK, which is fine because that is what she told me she wanted anyway. Now she got accepted in a fulltime course in Canada and doesn't want to go anywhere. If I wasn't facing deportation I would probably have been okay with her going there and seeing it through for a another year but this is no longer possible and her study here would keep our family separated. I do feel like a doormat since I have given her free reign to do whatever she wants with no consideration to our family as a whole, and it seems to have gone to her head.


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

She would have no problem getting legal status in my home country. The minute I have a fulltime job I can apply for a permanent resident permit for her and that would be finalized within a matter of months. Most people in my country speak English very well so this would give her some time to learn the language.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> He wants to provide for his family and live independently.





> My wife has been almost continuously studying while I have been here with her, either part time or full time and has been receiving social aid and student money to pay the bills


If he wanted to do that, he wouldn't be saying he can't get a job in Canada as a married spouse awaiting their citizenship. I posted the information, not that hard to look up. Instead his wife has been studying both as a means to get ahead and as a way to have money in the mean time while he continues to claim he can't work. 

At no point does he mention providing for his family or living independently. He doesn't want to be away from them, true, but at no point in the OP does he mention a job at all. Just going back and forth between the two countries as a plan. So yeah, you could assume he wants to provide for his family. But not all men are inherently wired that way, so making that assumption isn't 100%. Trust that one on personal experience.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> This. Take your kid, go back to your home country and file for divorce.
> 
> You're the stay at home father raising him. Stop being a dumb husband and a doormat.
> 
> ...


Wow. Like a woman would EVER advised to take the kid and go back to her country, away from the dad and away from where they've been living. 

You'd be screaming about father's rights. 

If only she knew her place as the one with the vagina.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

And no I can't delete my post. *sigh*

So OP have you indeed saved any more for this move? Where would you live? Do the schools speak English too?


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> If he wanted to do that, he wouldn't be saying he can't get a job in Canada as a married spouse awaiting their citizenship. I posted the information, not that hard to look up. Instead his wife has been studying both as a means to get ahead and as a way to have money in the mean time while he continues to claim he can't work.
> 
> At no point does he mention providing for his family or living independently. He doesn't want to be away from them, true, but at no point in the OP does he mention a job at all. Just going back and forth between the two countries as a plan. So yeah, you could assume he wants to provide for his family. But not all men are inherently wired that way, so making that assumption isn't 100%. Trust that one on personal experience.


I do want to provide for my family. Here in Canada in have no possibility for that, they don't want to even recognize foreign work experience most of the time because they cant double check it. I have a chefs diploma and have experience working as such in my own country, besides that I also worked in security and a wide variety of other jobs so no problem finding a job there.

I guess most teachers at the schools in my country speak English, the students and the classes not so much, but then again my son doesn't talk much yet.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I guess most teachers at the schools in my country speak English, the students and the classes not so much, but then again my son doesn't talk much yet.


It might be something to consider for daycare or preschool if he's going to be going after you move. If you don't actively talk your native language to him now, that might be a bit confusing. Even if he doesn't talk a lot, he probably understands.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> At no point does he mention providing for his family or living independently. So yeah, you could assume he wants to provide for his family. But not all men are inherently wired that way, so making that assumption isn't 100%.


OK we'll call it a 99.99% correct assumption. 



dumbhusband1 said:


> I do want to provide for my family.


Well.... huh.... what are the odds?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Wow. Like a woman would EVER advised to take the kid and go back to her country, away from the dad and away from where they've been living.
> 
> You'd be screaming about father's rights.


Nope. If he was the one dictating THEIR life and she was a SAHM, I'd be telling her the same thing. And FYI, my track record speaks for itself.

I frequently tell women to run from their loser husbands. In this scenario, she's the loser. She needs to grow up and get out of the parents house.



lifeistooshort said:


> If only she knew her place as the one with the vagina.


That's kind of the point isn't it. She doesn't know her place. She thinks she rules the roost rather than treating him like a partner.


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

Starstarfish said:


> It might be something to consider for daycare or preschool if he's going to be going after you move. If you don't actively talk your native language to him now, that might be a bit confusing. Even if he doesn't talk a lot, he probably understands.


True he does understand things very well when we tell him something. I hadn't really thought about the difficulties for him in moving there and how he would do in (pre) school. Will have to look into that. Just a stressful situation right now, if they decide to deport me I might also be facing immigration detention because it doesn't take much for the officer to deem you a "flight risk". Feeling like my wife is turning her back on me is not helping and makes the future even more uncertain.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

dumbhusband1 said:


> True he does understand things very well when we tell him something. I hadn't really thought about the difficulties for him in moving there and how he would do in (pre) school. Will have to look into that. Just a stressful situation right now, if they decide to deport me I might also be facing immigration detention because it doesn't take much for the officer to deem you a "flight risk". Feeling like my wife is turning her back on me is not helping and makes the future even more uncertain.


If she's as cold as you say (ie willing to divorce you over a year of study), then maybe that is the plan. Get you deported, divorced and out of the picture after your babysitting services are no longer required. Food for thought.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

dumbhusband1 said:


> I do want to provide for my family. Here in Canada in have no possibility for that, they don't want to even recognize foreign work experience most of the time because they cant double check it. I have a chefs diploma and have experience working as such in my own country, besides that I also worked in security and a wide variety of other jobs so no problem finding a job there.
> 
> I guess most teachers at the schools in my country speak English, the students and the classes not so much, but then again my son doesn't talk much yet.


I live in a Canadian border state and I know for a fact that undocumented workers in Canada can earn money doing what ever. You can't be deported unless you have a legitimate visa that expired and you didn't bother to move forward for a work permit. Even then you'd have to be arrested or had a complaint filed against you before the government bothers to come knocking.

I take it you never intended to stay in Canada and just let you visa lapse without doing anything about it. In which case, I have no sympathy for you.


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> I live in a Canadian border state and I know for a fact that undocumented workers in Canada can earn money doing what ever. You can't be deported unless you have a legitimate visa that expired and you didn't bother to move forward for a work permit. Even then you'd have to be arrested or had a complaint filed against you before the government bothers to come knocking.
> 
> I take it you never intended to stay in Canada and just let you visa lapse without doing anything about it. In which case, I have no sympathy for you.


You cant earn money doing whatever, only the most unskilled jobs are open to undocumented workers, like working at a pizza place, and even then they want you to have experience working with their franchise otherwise they wont even let you work there, I know because I tried. Besides that why would you advice someone to do illegal work?
I didn't let my visa lapse, I applied for an extension before my visa ran out and they refused to give me an extension, citing that I already had sufficient time afforded to me to stay in Canada. They knew I had a wife and son in Canada because we included proof in my application, they didn't care.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So if you have no Canadian work experience and weren't going to school, what do you originally go to Canada for? Just to visit? Had you met your wife online or something before that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know, if your marriage was ok, she'd be more willing to do what helps YOU. 

Since you have all this time on your hands, get the book His Needs Her Needs, and figure out what's wrong with your marriage. Fix THAT, and then maybe she'll be more amenable to helping you. She apparently thinks she can do just fine without you. And that's a really bad sign.

As for earning your keep, all this time and you haven't learned how to build furniture? Keep bees? Landscape? Walk dogs? Design an app? There are millions of things you could be doing with your time, since you have so much of it, that don't require a work permit.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> You know, if your marriage was ok, she'd be more willing to do what helps YOU.
> 
> Since you have all this time on your hands, get the book His Needs Her Needs, and figure out what's wrong with your marriage. Fix THAT, and then maybe she'll be more amenable to helping you. She apparently thinks she can do just fine without you. And that's a really bad sign.
> 
> As for earning your keep, all this time and you haven't learned how to build furniture? Keep bees? Landscape? Walk dogs? Design an app? There are millions of things you could be doing with your time, since you have so much of it, that don't require a work permit.


For real! Sounds like you're living in excuse land. Figure it out before you lose your family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

turnera said:


> You know, if your marriage was ok, she'd be more willing to do what helps YOU.
> 
> Since you have all this time on your hands, get the book His Needs Her Needs, and figure out what's wrong with your marriage. Fix THAT, and then maybe she'll be more amenable to helping you. She apparently thinks she can do just fine without you. And that's a really bad sign.
> 
> As for earning your keep, all this time and you haven't learned how to build furniture? Keep bees? Landscape? Walk dogs? Design an app? There are millions of things you could be doing with your time, since you have so much of it, that don't require a work permit.


I have been looking after our son! Even though i know things aren't perfect between us right now, i do think you need to stop blaming me, since i'm the one that is open to negotiation and willing to build up a life for us in my own country while my wife just shuts down any conversation and pushes us closer to the edge. Thank you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bullsh*t. If you're open to negotiation, DO something to fix your marriage. Read. Go to therapy. Talk to your wife. Go to online school.


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## dumbhusband1 (Jul 27, 2016)

turnera said:


> Bullsh*t. If you're open to negotiation, DO something to fix your marriage. Read. Go to therapy. Talk to your wife. Go to online school.


You are not helpful at all. If you read all my posts then you would know i have tried talking to my wife, i have plans to provide for my family and i do not need online school since i have a good diploma already. If this is the kind of "advice" you are throwing out there i'm afraid you are doing more harm than good. I would like other people`s perspective on my situation, but i do not need victim blaming, i have always put my best foot forward in regards to my family, its not me that's being uncooperative and unwilling to make our relationship work.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How did you end up marrying a woman in Canada? Is the marriage great or is a sham? If the marriage is a sham, then no wonder she's threatening to divorce you. Might be your chance to go back to your country and start over. Yeah, you won't see your son, but I don't think you have many options. 

If you want to stay in Canada and stay married, then hire an attorney that can get your permanent residence. There has to be a way, just will take persistence and money.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP your excuses sound weak and redundant to me, and I bet your wife feels the same way. I would bet money your wife doesn't want to be married to you any longer and is hoping you go back to your home country. Her pursuit of studies is just a convenient excuse to force a separation/divorce, she's using that instead of coming out and saying she wants a divorce. 

Regardless of how you view your contribution to the marriage your wife is "uncooperative and unwilling to make the relationship work". Look at your own words very carefully, what do they mean to you? My definition would be she wants out of the marriage and shipping you back over seas is a way to get that done. She is either worn out from trying to make it work or she is fed up being married to you, she just wants it to end.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Well, I understand her hesitation. You said you would be starting from scratch. You would have no job, no place to live, no money. So, how do you expect her to put your son in that uncertainty? As a mother, I couldn't do it. I would wait until we had sufficient savings, job prospects, an apartment (even if it's incredibly tiny), etc before moving off to another country. 

I wouldn't throw out the D word, but if my H wanted to go to another country without any sort of plan....I couldn't stop him. I just wouldn't go with him. 

Now, if there were no kids involved....sure go ahead make decisions like moving with no job or shelter. Kids change everything. You can't just go off making decisions like that. You have to think about how you're going to care for them. Put a plan in place, then go.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd have a hard time dropping everything to move to another country where 1) my H has no job, place to live, or any other specific plan for our family, and 2) I am established in my own country, have been supporting the three of us the whole time, and was just accepted into a full time Masters program, and 3) have never been to this other country or don't like it.

Has your wife been to your home country? Does she like it? If she's never been there, that could be playing into this whole thing.

Be honest - how does your home country compare to Canada? If the standards of living are dramatically different, some people just cannot see living there, much less raising a child there. For example, Greece has incredible history everywhere you turn and gorgeous islands, but Athens is polluted, crowded, has terrible traffic, very high unemployment and the country is in dire financial straights. That's not where I would choose to raise a child.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

OP, 

Go into your bathroom and look in the mirror. The problem is staring you in the face.

Get your a$$ out of the house and figure out a way to start earning your keep. Your W holds all the power in this marriage and has no respect for you. The fact that she could care less whether you stay or go is all the evidence you need of it. 

Continue to deny, make excuses and argue with us about it just makes the divorce train barreling towards you come that much quicker.

Do you want some help or not?

Are you willing to read up on how the current dynamics in your marriage are going to play out?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Has it occurred to you that your wife may not actually want to move to your home country?

It's a huge and in many ways foolish risk for her to up and leave her job and support system for a guy who hasn't shown much initiative.

What kind of opportunities would she have there? 

How do you know you'll be able to support the family? Will she be able to work there?

If you're serious then go back to your home country, get a job, and get settled. Maybe she'll feel better about leaving everything if she sees that. 

Remember, you got married and had a child in her country, not yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You are in the wife's parent's house, not paying money, and you are talking about the sacrifices you made. Wife's mom probably asks her when is he getting a job, so I can understand her wanting to fulfill her career.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What *is* your home country, @dumbhusband1? :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

dumbhusband1 said:


> You are not helpful at all. If you read all my posts then you would know i have tried talking to my wife, i have plans to provide for my family and i do not need online school since i have a good diploma already. If this is the kind of "advice" you are throwing out there i'm afraid you are doing more harm than good. I would like other people`s perspective on my situation, but i do not need victim blaming, i have always put my best foot forward in regards to my family, its not me that's being uncooperative and unwilling to make our relationship work.


We are trying to tell you that what you have been doing isn't working, so it's time to try something different. Read books on relationships. Take her to therapy so you can talk stuff out. Do an assessment on what she's happy about and what she's not happy about so you can address it.

And I'm sorry but 'I'm taking care of our son' is not a valid excuse not to take the time to educate yourself on what's being done wrong and how to fix it. Have you read His Needs Her Needs yet? Have you looked into finding a way to earn some money? Millions of stay at home moms do just that and still manage to take care of their (often multiple) kids.

It sounds like you just came here to find out how to make HER change. And I think everyone has told you that you can't change her, only yourself. So what are you doing to change yourself?


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