# How do I go about this?



## MsNeruda (Sep 23, 2019)

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Would’ve been married 2 in October. He left for a fellas trip and left his old phone behind. I found random text messages of him requesting appointments. When I googled the number an escort service appeared. I took a picture of his text messages for proof. I already know he will deny the whole thing. We have a 2 year old. Tomorrow he is back from his trip and don’t know how to approach the situation. I’m pretty sure he’ll say it was just a massage and that I’m the one who messed up because I don’t trust him and checked his phone. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You can try to use fonelab software on his old phone to recover pics, messages, etc. -- the one single message may not be enough. I would hold off confronting until you can get more information -- use a VAR where he normally talks on the phone, etc..
If you can get his current phone, when he isn't aware, check that also.

Do NOT let him turn it around that it is your fault because you checked up -- if he wasn't doing anything wrong, there would have been nothing to find.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

1) Do not confront until you have fully investigated. Either get the fonelab or take the phone to a pro to see what can be pulled off of it.
2) Never ever reveal your source of information. A guilty person will try to figure out how much you know so that they can only admit to what you already know.
3) Have a ready excuse for your behavior which will be a bit off of normal. Maybe you've caught a bit of a stomach bug, or if there's a cold going around your area you could say you have a sore throat and a headache which might be the cold coming on. You don't want him to think you are suspicious.
4) The VAR (voice activated recorder) is a fantastic investigative tool if you think he may be making voice calls (probably from his car), or if you think he may have someone else riding in the car. Velcro it very securely under the driver's seat where he cannot see it or easily feel it (if he drops his phone or wallet and starts looking under the seat). Disable all noises and lights if at all possible. If he is doing everything via text then the VAR won't help.
5) Consider GPS tracking his car. There are a number of options, such as a cheap phone with a map tracking program or a unit which plugs into the OBDII port under the dash, etc.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MsNeruda said:


> My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Would’ve been married 2 in October. He left for a fellas trip and left his old phone behind. I found random text messages of him requesting appointments. When I googled the number an escort service appeared. I took a picture of his text messages for proof. I already know he will deny the whole thing. We have a 2 year old. Tomorrow he is back from his trip and don’t know how to approach the situation. I’m pretty sure he’ll say it was just a massage and that I’m the one who messed up because I don’t trust him and checked his phone. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated


While it's entirely possible he has utilized an escort service, it is possible that the number is new to the escort agency. You could try calling them, and asking how long they've had the number. Then you'll know for sure. 

I'll second the VAR idea for his car. Let it sit for a couple weeks, then listen to what it has to say.

Looking at your bank and credit card statements would also be an idea. If he's utilizing escorts, then he'll be making cash withdrawals. Though it's possible he's getting cash back at the store, or some other place of business, if he's being smart about it. Though it's it's an actual agency, then they might take credit cards, with the business name disguised as something generic or harmless.


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## MsNeruda (Sep 23, 2019)

Is it worth hiring a PI?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I would hire a PI. It is efficient and worth the money to have quick and reliable information.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

MsNeruda said:


> Is it worth hiring a PI?




It is if you want the truth.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MsNeruda said:


> Is it worth hiring a PI?


If you have a good opportunity - a time period he'd likely be up to something. Hiring one just to follow him around on a regular day would likely be a waste of money.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Extract all the data from the phone. Save the phone in a safe place not in your house.

One option is to have a lawyer draw up a postnup agreement which has severe consequences if he has affairs, goes to escorts, sexts, or anything that would be infidelity related. Make it apply to both of you since you know you won't be doing any of that. If he is not engaging in any of that, then he should have no problem signing it. 

Let's say the worst is true that he is visiting escorts. What would you want to do? There are not going to be any easy solutions. Divorce gives you a clean break, but obviously there are lots of issues that come with that. Staying together will likely have lots of difficulties and you may never really be able to trust him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MsNeruda said:


> Is it worth hiring a PI?


If you can afford it, yes.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MsNeruda said:


> I took a picture of his text messages for proof. I already know he will deny the whole thing.d


You don't have to prove anything to him. He already knows what he did or didn't do. The reason for you to investigate is to get solid proof for yourself of what did or didn't happen.

What constitutes enough proof for you is whatever is enough for you. You don't have to prove anything in court, you don't have to convince him you have an airtight case, you don't have to prove to anybody else what he did. All you have to do is have enough data to know in your heart what he did.

Though I have never used an escort service nor talked to anyone with firsthand knowledge, I don't believe a man calls an escort service for honorable things. If your husband wanted an ethical therapeutic massage he would have gone to a reputable licensed masseuse not an escort. Imho, the only reason he would go to an escort would be for something sex related. Something which he knows you would not approve of him doing with someone other than you.

Don't get caught in the trap of trying to find more, and more, and then more, evidence. Enough is enough. Even if you believe there may be more out there, and even if it may be even worse than what you already know. 

If you know he has been unfaithful, then that is enough to know he has been unfaithful.

Do you know what your line in the sand is? It is important to figure that out. At what point do you end the marriage? When he has sex with an escort? What if it was something sexual but not full on sex? What if he likes to talk dirty on the phone with an escort? Part of knowing when to stop gathering evidence is knowing what your line in the sand is. Don't keep moving the line as you find out little new bits of information.

For most of us here, the insurmountable problem with infidelity was the dishonesty and disrespect, not the actual sex with someone else. As bad as the infidelity was, what kills the relationship is the dishonesty. Very few cheaters change their hearts...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Dig more. Check the bank account for large unexplained withdrawals. Any credit cards with charges unexplained. Hidden credit card or accounts. Escorts are not free. There is a money trail somewhere.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MsNeruda said:


> My husband and I have been together for 4 years. Would’ve been married 2 in October. He left for a fellas trip and left his old phone behind. I found random text messages of him requesting appointments. When I googled the number an escort service appeared. I took a picture of his text messages for proof. I already know he will deny the whole thing. We have a 2 year old. Tomorrow he is back from his trip and don’t know how to approach the situation.* I’m pretty sure he’ll say it was just a massage and that I’m the one who messed up because I don’t trust him and checked his phone.* Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.


*And be sure to ask exactly what part of him got massaged!

It'll never get better! Go see a family lawyer! *


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP,

You need to clear your head and set some priorities.

First things first. Get yourself tested for any STI's or STD's. Lot's of lab's (like Lab Corp) can do an STD test wtih results within a few days.

When he gets home tell him what you discovered and that if he ever wants to save this marriage and ever wants to have sex with you again, he will need to first get tested for any sexually transmitted diseases and then agree to see a marriage counselor with you. Tell him he may also need some individual counseling/therapy before you can trust him and reconcile with him.

If he objects, tell him that while you are not proud of snooping, he did things that made you suspect something wasn't quite right and you found he had been calling an escort service. Look him in the eyes and say that even if he just called and didn't hire an escort, that would still be enough to destroy your trust in him. Tell him that depending on how he treats things and how much he is willing to become trustworthy will determined if your marriage can be salvaged.

Good luck.


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