# Respect Issues



## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

I am a 35 year old male, married to my wife (31) for almost 5 years. We have 2 boys (ages 3 and 4). We both work, I 

am a surveyor for a bridge construction company, and my wife is a phys-ed instructor at a high-school. 

My wife and I can't seem to go more than two days with out having an all out war anymore. heres a little background 

info.

daily routines:

Me:
I get up at 6am, let the dog out, feed the dog, grab something to eat, and head out to work, I have to be at work 

earlier so the kids are still in bed by the time i leave. I work till after 5 everyday, and am not home till almost 

630, i have a very stressful job, where what i do is scrutinized greatly, and one mistake could cost major $$$$$, 

and my job. On top of the stress that goes along with the job, we are not having a good year as far as work, and 

everyone (including me) in the company is afraid of getting laid off. We just bought a new house by the way, that 

doubled our previous mortgage.
I then come home and do the following, in no particular order, and not always in the same night: play with the 

boys, bath one or two of the boys, do the dishes, take out trash, fix misc. things, switch laundry over, i do my 

own laundry and put my own laundry away, and... I pay ALL the bills, finally help put the boys to bed by 8. Then 

and only then can i do anything for myself...but usually by then i am ready to fall asleep, and then the day starts 

all over again.

My wifes day.
Gets up at 630, gets the boys ready for school, and herself ready for work. (which i know is no walk in the park) 

drops them off at the daycare which is close to her school. she then works from about 7 till 2:30...she actually 

loves her job, and is actually friends with some of her coworkers..(not the case for me, I hate my job, and most of 

the people i work with are way older than me, and are ****s).. then she works out, or does some personal things 

till 4...then she gets the kids at daycare and gets home by about 5. then at home she entertains the boys, makes 

them dinner sometimes, until i get home. she does usually make dinner about 60% of the time, and she does the kids 

and her laundry, she also cleans the house of course, and keeps up with decorating and what not. she is an AMAZING 

mother, so amazing that i get jealous sometimes, cuz i would like to be treated like that now and then... She is 

also a great homemaker, and i love what she does for our home...(when we have the money). just to add...when the 

weather is nice, we have neighbors with kids, so when she gets home she basically lets the kids out of the car and 

they play like crazy while she hangs out with her friends and chats (prob venting about how much of an ******* i 

am). let me also add that the fact that she is also off during the summer, and during the day has prep periods 

where she can also do things on her own.

okay so now that the stage is set, (sorry for the rambling)
let me tell you the problem:

the battles have started pretty much since we had our first child, and have been getting worse. 
i am constantly getting beaten down by my wife for not "putting in the work" as she would say. i never do enough.
i feel she always has this "attitude" toward me, or a chip on her shoulder...like i always owe here something, and 

that while im not home she thinks im on vacation or something. she doesn't seem to ever understand the stress i am 

under. she always wants "help" from me, like i don't do enough already, why don't you help me? i make 75% of the 

income for our household, and especially now with the new home, i am always preocuppied with the idea that i could 

lose my job, and the house. we also have a crap load of credit card debt. its seems that one little mistep sets her 

off, i actually feel like im being treated the same as a guy who was caugth cheating, and is trying to earn his 

wifes respect again or something. what the hell am i doing wrong? I don't get ANY time to myself EVER. I work from 

6 to 630 every day....then my day is swallowed up by the kids, and home duties...forget about the weekend, its 

nothing but housework, and doing things with the kids...god forbid if i want to do something for myself my wife 

thinks i don't want to spend time with the kids, and guilt trips me...makes me feel like a bad father. i do all i 

can without losing my mind completly. i used to play hockey for fun, and for an outlet, and that has stopped 

because we can't afford it...and that was after the kids go to bed anyway. I also used to play music for a living, 

toured for years...it was my passion in life...gave that up.

it goes on....on top of this, my wife shows no attraction to me whatsoever....i think in the past 3 years she has 

actually WANTED to have sex maybe twice! its always a chore for her, and even when we do, she just lays there and 

wants it to be as fast as possible, she actually prefers to do it in the shower all the time because its quick and 

easy for her, and no mess. I CANT TAKE IT. all i do is tell her how beautiful she is,and how much she turns me on 

and all i want is for her to enjoy it too, but to no avail...i offer to do whatever she wants...whatever she would 

want i would do....she can use a strap on if thats what turns her on... i don't care, i would do it. she couldn't 

even act like she enjoyed it on my birthday, (which fortunately/or unfortunately falls on steak and bj day, March 

14th) thats all i asked for that day, and she barely could get through it, and made excuses why she couldn't do it 

completely. god this sux.i feel like a piece of ****, not worth a damn. im always walking on egg shells with 

her...why doesn't she appreciate/love/respect me?

please help.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

3 and 4 year old kids AND a full time job? And you said she is a very involved and amazing mom (which is like another F/T job).

She's just as stressed out as you.

Sounds like the financial stress is a huge factor. For the credit card debt and financial issues, Financial Peace University - daveramsey.com


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

understood blonde...but i don't give her a hard time about anything, or tell her that she doesn't do enough, i know her job isn't easy either. the whole point is that we are both doing our job and that should be it. she doesn't see it that way. and i let her know she is doing a good job, i tell her on a regular basis how much of an amazing mother she is.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm thinking if you had regular sex, there wouldn't be much fighting. Also, she may be a person that appreciates or reads you love her and are involved by you DOING things around the house and with the kids. Bringing in a paycheck is big, but like you want to be rubbed the right way to feel loved, she may need you to pick up more than baths for the boys and your laundry at home.

Also, it sounds like you two work together. Relationships shouldn't be just work, wheres the FUN come in? Dates? Weekends kidless?? These things can go a long way. I'm sorry you have so much stress on your job, but that's all the more reason to let it go when you get home and have fun with your family. Life it too short for the routine and fighting over what? Who gets on the hamster wheel next? 

Tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. If you started to look at your relationship on those terms, I wonder how much things would change between you and your wife?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I can't help it. the title made me do it...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What is the WW3 about really? What do you fight about specifically?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Credit card debt, HUGE mortgage, and you hate your job. Your totally stressed out over all of it and stress does sap energy.

If you did FPU and got out from under the debt, you might have options with the job situation.

Seems to me more financial issues than a "respect" issue. 

I do think you should have some "me" time. When I had young children my husband watched them while I went and took an aerobics class 3 X week. You should have 4-6 hours of "me" time weekly for something that you find relaxing (music? hockey). But you both work full time and have young children, so huge time consuming hobbies are out for now.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

ponzyjones said:


> understood blonde...but i don't give her a hard time about anything, or tell her that she doesn't do enough, i know her job isn't easy either. the whole point is that we are both doing our job and that should be it. she doesn't see it that way. and i let her know she is doing a good job, i tell her on a regular basis how much of an amazing mother she is.


Do you also tell her this ?Or is this your issue?




> she is an AMAZING
> 
> mother, so amazing that i get jealous sometimes, cuz i would like to be treated like that now and then..


Also is it a habit of yours to run through the "hours and %'s of who does what when and where or what each other does that doesn't count because they enjoy it or dont?Like a competition who does what and who suffers more?(that's what your post sounded like. Here is an example (or some examples)



> I get up at 6am,





> My wifes day.
> Gets up at 630,


Calculating 30 minutes? even though you both rise early..O.K YOU WIN! 1 point for you !



> I pay ALL the bills,


Don't then. Better to ask her to share the bills then pay them and throw it up in her face or resent it..




> she actually
> 
> loves her job, and is actually friends with some of her coworkers..(not the case for me, I hate my job, and most of
> 
> the people i work with are way older than me, and are ****s).


HOW is that your wife's fault?How can she possibly "be even " with you on that?Get a job she hates like you and have no friends?



> all i do is tell her how beautiful she is,and how much she turns me on
> 
> and all i want is for her to enjoy it too, but to no avail..


that is NOT all you tell her..at least its not all you have told us..YOU have a LOT of critisisms and resentments of her..

I doubt "all you tell her is how beautiful she is"..If that is all you are telling her why are you saying MUCH more about her here?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

majormite said:


> I work two jobs and *she stays home with the kids*. I'm treated as if me going to work is a vacation.
> 
> I understand what you are saying Blonde, and she sounds like she has the kids down to a science, and im sure it's draining,


how many kids? I'm probably not a good judge as we have eight kids and my husband was a professor (with summers off) when they were little and he never touched "women's work" with a ten foot pole (and even got where he neglected yard work and snow removal)

so his life was a slide on ice while I was on call 24/7 working 120 hour weeks

I've come a long way baby!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> am constantly getting beaten down by my wife for not "putting in the work" as she would say. i never do enough.
> i feel she always has this "attitude" toward me, or a chip on her shoulder...like i always owe here something,


Maybe she is ..but that is exactly what you are doing here to her.With your wife.That she isn't doing enough.(or as much as you ) and she owes YOU something.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This could very well be one of those situations in which one of the spouses envy the other... they seem happier than you. It happens. 

OP your job sucks, you have heavy debt, you don't have me time and little sex to relieve tension. Your wife on the other hand has a job she loves, isn't as stressed about the debt (or hides it pretty well), has me time, and is ok with sex once in awhile (sex with a crabby patty isn't appealling lol) and relieves her tension with working out, going out socializing etc. Not to mention she loves parenting and it shows.

You sound like you need to prioritize a bit OP. Reconfigure your life in a way that you can maximize the pleasures and things you DO enjoy. Your state of happiness is NOT your wife's responsibility.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> i am always preocuppied with the idea that i could
> 
> lose my job, and the house.


How again is this your wife's fault?Or her "lack of respect" ?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Also, it sounds like you two work together. Relationships shouldn't be just work, wheres the FUN come in? Dates? Weekends kidless?? These things can go a long way. I'm sorry you have so much stress on your job, but that's all the more reason to let it go when you get home and have fun with your family.


^^This

The days of young children fly by. My youngest is 10 now and we have lots of hobby time. Your kids might even like hockey and music 

Dates and kidless weekends- YES! My biggest regret and the one thing I have advised my three children who have married is to make sure to keep "couple time" in your marriage once the kids arrive.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> then she works out, or does some personal things
> 
> till 4.


Oh she works out! Wow.how rude..If she didn't work out and gained 60 lbs I guess you could add to the list she "lets herself go".Some "men" are desperately trying to get their wives to be motivated to work out..you add that to a list of "her time"..be careful what you wish for is all I can say..Maybe you should encourage her to quit working out is all I can say.:scratchhead:


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

He prioritizes her according to what he posts here. There is another side missing here. Like I'm sure you never mention how much you have given up to be where you are today while fighting?

My husband in the past has often spoken about how he could have done this and that if not for accepting his husbandly and fatherly role. I shouldn't have to say how much of a turn off that is.

Someone who thinks they have "given up all that they love" can't replace that by their spouse showing affection to their standards. In fact, I think no matter the amount of affection and interest shown a person like this will NEVER be satisfied because they have those old demons to put to rest.


I may be wrong but it sounds like there is resentment for her enjoying what her life has turned out to be a bit more than you are. 
Maybe her job is just as stressful, but she has a more positive view of it? 

I think you two need a MC.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTE i know her job isn't easy either. the whole point is that we are both doing our job and that should be it.][/QUOTE]

That is not what I see here in your post.You have it "listed" and clearly you think you are doing more of the job than she is..You have even listed time of awakening..and everything you list puts you ahead..even you begrudge her she doesn't hate her job and actually has friends there and you dont..You are competing with her and I feel like when you post about yours verses her "score" the crowd CHEERS when it comes to you .;even sufferring and worrying you BEAT HER! 

ME does this at this time 

SHE does that at this time

SCORE! for ME!!! :smthumbup:

ME is miserable at the job 

She is not ...

SCORE me !!!:smthumbup:

And the crowd roars for me!!!

STOP the competition ..she is neck and neck..just because she isn't miserable doesn't mean you are full body lengths "ahead of her"..


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It's always tough when a spouse realizes they have been working so hard at something that their partner doesn't really give that much thought. This is a classic case of working at cross purposes. One values their work and $ more than their family and relationships, and the other values their family and relationships over work and $. Somehow the two need to meet in the middle, but everytime communication about what one values over the other starts it turns into a fight rather than solutions to meet in the middle so they both are happy.

I agree, MC may be the answer here. It can force you both to listen and really hear what the other is saying they need in this marriage.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

vspinkgrl said:


> He prioritizes her according to what he posts here. There is another side missing here. Like I'm sure you never mention how much you have given up to be where you are today while fighting?
> 
> My husband in the past has often spoken about how he could have done this and that if not for accepting his husbandly and fatherly role. I shouldn't have to say how much of a turn off that is.
> 
> ...


Brilliant!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> One values their work and $ more than their family and relationships, and the other values their family and relationships over work and $.


I don't think its that black and white.Not for everyone..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

then she works out, or does some personal things 

till 4. 



dallasapple said:


> Oh she works out! Wow.how rude..If she didn't work out and gained 60 lbs I guess you could add to the list she "lets herself go".Some "men" are desperately trying to get their wives to be motivated to work out..you add that to a list of "her time"..be careful what you wish for is all I can say..Maybe you should encourage her to quit working out is all I can say.:scratchhead:


I think what he was getting at here is that SHE gets to take this time do for herself, and HE is not given this same opportunity. Yet she is the one coming down on him that he isnt doing enough...there isnt balance here.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> then she works out, or does some personal things
> 
> till 4.
> 
> ...


I think people make time for what they want to do. Could he work out during the week if he wanted to? I think he could. She has more wiggle room due to her hours at work to do it. Is that something she should give up because he can't or doesn't seem to find the time? I don't see that being fair.

I understand he may feel restricted. I don't understand how she's responsible for that. 

That said, I'm still waiting for the OP to tell us what they're fighting about. What can't they agree on?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I'm going to be a bit contrary to the common opinion here. I have lived this and escaped, though in my case, my ex was a stay at home mom without a job.

She is a narssicist with a victim and martyr complex and took me completely for granted. I worked out of the home from 6am-7pm and when I got home, it was my turn to take over everything. That was expected because she had done it all day. Never consideration for the fact that I had already worked all day.

To this day, almost a year after seperation and six months after divorce was finalized, she is still expecting me to do things for her.

Am I projecting a bit here? Sure, but I do see a lot of similarities, and know exactly where the OP is coming from.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I think people make time for what they want to do. Could he work out during the week if he wanted to? I think he could. She has more wiggle room due to her hours at work to do it. Is that something she should give up because he can't or doesn't seem to find the time? I don't see that being fair.
> 
> I understand he may feel restricted. I don't understand how she's responsible for that.
> 
> That said, I'm still waiting for the OP to tell us what they're fighting about. What can't they agree on?


I didnt mean that I thought that she should give that up, quite the contrary, actually. She should KEEP doing her workouts and HE should be able to do something for HIMself as well...she should be cognizant of the fact that her hours make this more convenient for her to meet her own needs but his dont, and should be more supportive of him being given some time.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I can sympathize with the OP AND have appreciation for all the wife does. But it seems as if the wife is getting appreciation for what she does and he is not. Although, OP, appreciation should never be expressed in order to GET APPRECIATION BACK. But I still think she should show some.

Have you told her that you don't feel appreciated? Just reading your post makes me realize that I have never told my H how much appreciate his hard work (although I do acknowledge that he has been working hard, but not to him). But all he has been getting from me is complaints about missing him and how hard it is when he is gone. I'll be working on that starting tonight.

Maybe your wife just don't realize how you are feeling about this. Everyone always gives us wives credit for being the sensitive and aware ones. It's easy for us to think we're doing more in the relationship (and maybe we are) but we still need to appreciate what our husbands are doing. 

I don't have kids yet so maybe wives who do feel quite differently about this, but it seems easy to slip into being selfish and/or unappreciative without realizing it. 

Good luck to you and hope you and your wife can work this out.


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

all she "owes" me is to be respectful, and not have this chip on her shoulder for no reason. I do all i can, and yet i am made to feel inadequate. all i want is for her to treat me the way i treat her. all our arguments are begun by her, getting pissed at me for not doing enough, or not helping her. i don't get pissed at her, or get aggravated when she doesn't help me with the my responsibilities.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ponzyjones said:


> all she "owes" me is to be respectful, and not have this chip on her shoulder for no reason. I do all i can, and yet i am made to feel inadequate. all i want is for her to treat me the way i treat her. all our arguments are begun by her, getting pissed at me for not doing enough, or not helping her. i don't get pissed at her, or get aggravated when she doesn't help me with the my responsibilities.


Ponzy if you want something you need to ask for it. I know you probably think that it's silly to have to ask for something like this from your wife, but until you do, you will keep having the same issue. She's not hearing you because you're not saying anything. Stop defending yourself and tell her what you want and need. Tell her that you don't feel like you matter to her. If you can't do that, write it. Find a way to make it plain to her. Don't assume she knows how you feel.


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> How again is this your wife's fault?Or her "lack of respect" ?


its obviously not her fault...but these are things that are a heavy burden to me, that my wife doesn't realize. her job is secure as a teacher, mine is not.


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Oh she works out! Wow.how rude..If she didn't work out and gained 60 lbs I guess you could add to the list she "lets herself go".Some "men" are desperately trying to get their wives to be motivated to work out..you add that to a list of "her time"..be careful what you wish for is all I can say..Maybe you should encourage her to quit working out is all I can say.:scratchhead:



okay dallas....your missing the point.

point being: i get zero time for myself...no time to decompress...working out is how i used to do that, i used to go running, play hockey, etc....i don't get time to do that at all. all i do is work, and after a while it takes its toll. i don't deserve to made to feel like a slacker, or a bad father/husband. how am i not doing enough, when i have no time for myself?


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTE i know her job isn't easy either. the whole point is that we are both doing our job and that should be it.]


That is not what I see here in your post.You have it "listed" and clearly you think you are doing more of the job than she is..You have even listed time of awakening..and everything you list puts you ahead..even you begrudge her she doesn't hate her job and actually has friends there and you dont..You are competing with her and I feel like when you post about yours verses her "score" the crowd CHEERS when it comes to you .;even sufferring and worrying you BEAT HER! 

ME does this at this time 

SHE does that at this time

SCORE! for ME!!! :smthumbup:

ME is miserable at the job 

She is not ...

SCORE me !!!:smthumbup:

And the crowd roars for me!!!

STOP the competition ..she is neck and neck..just because she isn't miserable doesn't mean you are full body lengths "ahead of her"..[/QUOTE]

if we are neck and neck, then why am i the bad guy, why am i always getting yelled at?

i keep score only here, in this forum....i don't throw any of this in her face....unless she starts on me...which usually happens.


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> then she works out, or does some personal things
> 
> till 4.
> 
> ...



yes, that is what i am trying to say....i want her to have that time, i am glad that she can.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Does she tell you or others how hard she ALWAYS works and does EVERYTHING for the family? Make you feel like you don't do enough, aren't a good enough provider?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you mean your paycheck pays all the bills, or that you physically pay the bills?

Have you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? (not about sex) You need to read it, like today. Then you'll understand what's going on. And what to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ponzyjones said:


> okay dallas....your missing the point.
> 
> point being: i get zero time for myself...no time to decompress...working out is how i used to do that, i used to go running, play hockey, etc....i don't get time to do that at all


Why not?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

How is she responsible for you not having time to yourself Ponzy? This is what I've been saying. I get you're frustrated, I don't get how she's responsible for that.


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

you mentioned you used to be a professional musician and now you feel like you never get to do anything that you love- are you unhappy because you felt forced to give that up? (as a musician also, I would feel that way- like there is a hole in my life. I *have to* be doing music. I wonder if you feel the same way, and if yes, maybe you can find a way to get that back into your life.)

Why did you buy a house that was double your former mortgage? It sounds like finances are stressing both of you now. Do you really, truly NEED that much house? Could you be content to move back to a smaller, less expensive place? It may not solve ALL your problems but trying to have more than you need or can comfortably afford can definitely up the financial stress. You also say everyone at your job is worried about layoffs- what if you made a plan to live below your means, so that you could have savings built up and not have to stress too much if you were laid off?


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## ponzyjones (Mar 19, 2013)

turnera said:


> Did you mean your paycheck pays all the bills, or that you physically pay the bills?
> 
> Have you read Married Man Sex Life Primer? (not about sex) You need to read it, like today. Then you'll understand what's going on. And what to do.


i actually pay all the bills....she used to do it, but i offered to do them to help out.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ponzyjones said:


> okay dallas....your missing the point.
> 
> point being: i get zero time for myself...no time to decompress...working out is how i used to do that, i used to go running, play hockey, etc....i don't get time to do that at all. all i do is work, and after a while it takes its toll. i don't deserve to made to feel like a slacker, or a bad father/husband. how am i not doing enough, when i have no time for myself?


Recognize that some posters have never met a man who reasonably described their contribution to the home. 

That being said, your posts do point to you being resentful that your wife has some enjoyment in life through her job and down time that you do not. Not sure what you can do about the job, but you need to fix the down time issue. While involving the kids in some of it is good, that can't be the only thing you do. You need to be a bit selfish about some personal time, be it your music or hockey or working out. You deserve it.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

What I hear you saying is that you're stressed out and don't feel like your wife is supporting you? Like, in your ideal world, your wife would greet you with a kiss, understand that you're worried about your job security and the family, and help you bear the burden of that stress (perhaps with some extra sex-relieving sex).

But what you experience is that your wife criticizes you for not doing your fair share in the time that you're both home? 

It sounds like you both work pretty physically demanding jobs, though I don't know that much about surveying. So you're probably both pretty tired in the evenings. Her "scorecard" probably has her coming up on the short end of the stick, respect wise.

How about you change your frame of mind to that of you and your wife being on the same team. It sounds like you're both busting your butts and doing the best you can, which is awesome. You should tell her that, without making it a competition. Tell her you appreciate how hard she works, and that you think you guys are a kick-ass couple who are doing an amazing job raising 2 kids. Tell her you realized how much you want to hear her say that to you, and then you realized she probably wanted to hear it too.

If you approach it in a team-building kind of way and she still makes you feel criticized and inadequate, then definitely seek out some MC.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

The housework and childcare should be 50/50 with both working full time. Your wife is just as stressed, if not more then you are. It seems like she's putting much more effort into things with the children and house. She does respect you. Perhaps you don't respect her?

My husband works his arse off, comes home to help with the kids and dishes. I stay home and am alone all day. Plus he does 100% of the shopping for the household. I don't know how he does this without complaining. I do my best what I can, but I'm disabled with a neck injury and my hubby picks up my slack.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> The housework and childcare should be 50/50 with both working full time. Your wife is just as stressed, if not more then you are. It seems like she's putting much more effort into things with the children and house. She does respect you. Perhaps you don't respect her?


Not sure it is fair to split housework 50/50 when he is getting off at 5 pm but she gets off before 3 pm. He needs to help, but I don't see how he can realistically do 50% with that much less time.

I also don't see the lack of respect for his wife. I do see resentment over where she is versus where he is, but I just don't see where he does not respect what she contributes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ponzyjones said:


> i actually pay all the bills....she used to do it, but i offered to do them to help out.


 So you spend a couple hours a week on that. So?

The bottom line here, ponzy, is that you are a Nice Guy. And women grow to hate Nice Guys. You need to read MMSLP that I (and many others) recommend, so you can learn WHY she treats you this way.

But here's the shortcut: she complains so you bend over backwards to turn into what she says she wants. Then she complains more because you're turning into a beta male and she doesn't like that. Then you start resenting her for 'making' you give up all the things you enjoyed in life, and you treat her like crap. So she treats YOU like crap and comes down harder on you.

All of this could be avoided if you would just stop being a Nice Guy.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It sounds like you've added domestic responsibilities such as doing the bills to help your wife out, but in reality you resent that you have no time for yourself. This points to passive/aggressive behavior and is a huge turn off to women. You also seem to think that by adding more responsibilities your wife will gain respect for you. This is the classic mistake. Your wife will respect you more if you pursue your interests (in moderation) and don't look to her for approval to do so. You make it sound as is you have to ask for permission to wipe your butt. It's time to check your shorts and start acting like a man who respects himself. Your wife may dissapprove at first but eventually she will respect you for doing what's necessary to maintain your mental health and your marriage. If you continue to try and please your way into your wife's pants she'll just keep losing respect. She's got your number friend.


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