# Cheating Is a Lot Like Obesity? WTF?



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Cheating Is a Lot Like Obesity? WTF?

From the article:

*Did anyone catch this article over at HuffPo this week by Vicki Larson — HuffPo title “Why We Shouldn’t Blame Cheaters”? (Larson title: “Is Infidelity a Societal Problem?” — yes, well duh.)

She suggests that the fault lies in the societal assumption that we be monogamous. And people fail at that, a lot like fat people fail at diets.

The infidelity “epidemic” is at least as prevalent as, say, the obesity epidemic… While there’s a personal accountability to obesity — just look at all the how-to-lose weight articles and books that get published each year, in addition to all the diet supplements and weight-loss programs — it’s also seen as a societal issue.

…So, obesity — which affects about as many people as infidelity does in direct ways and many more in indirect ways through higher health costs and taxpayer dollars to fund prevention programs — is seen as something that can be fixed in ways outside just an individual’s control. (Yes, in some cases, genetics is involved in a person’s weight, but some studies suggest genes may play a part in some people’s ability to commit, too.) Infidelity, however, is not. Why? Especially since monogamy appears to “promote unhealthy behaviors” — aka affairs and sex avoidance. And since infidelity is among the top reasons for divorce, there’s a societal cost involved, too. (Bold emphasis mine. CL)

That’s right, chumps — it’s monogamy’s fault. It promotes unhealthy behaviors like affairs. Let’s just liken being faithful to your spouse with high fructose corn syrup — it’s unnatural!

She suggests that we lay off the monogamy assumption in our relationships, and if people felt free to screw around without all the shame and judgment — the committed few would actually stick with marriage. The rest, I guess, will be hanging out in their shag-carpeted, sunken living rooms having swinger parties.

I’m all for people configuring their relationships honestly — whatever they are — and that includes polyamory. Sister wives? I wouldn’t want to share one Mormon doofus, but that’s me. Different strokes for different folks.

But I don’t think the Great Societal Pressure of Monogamy is to blame for cheating — poor character is. And blaming monogamy misses the point — cheating is about the thrill of being dishonest. To “cheat” you need an agreement to renege on. There’s no danger in openness, no illicit sexual high to chase.

It also ignores the power dynamic that is inherent in infidelity. The cheater wants all the perks of a committed partner, and the excitement of screwing around on the side. The secrecy is about gaining advantage over another. All the kibbles for me! None for you! You commit all your kibbles and I’ll just feign reciprocity. Cheaters don’t WANT a level playing field. It’s about control and entitlement.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She is either grossly obese or a cheater. Or a grossly obese cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Sadly, we live in a society where the concept of personal accountability is loosing traction by the minute. It will be our downfall.

..."shag-carpeted, sunken living rooms" LOL


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

This is the kind of stupid-ass, warm, fuzzy liberal thinking that got us where we are today. Don't take a stand on any issue...that's being JUDGEMENTAL! Don't have standards or ideals because you'll make others feel BADLY that they've fallen short, wah, wah, wah!

By this reasoning, we should consent to sex with everyone who wants sex with us (clean/dirty, friend/stranger, man/woman/child/beast) because withholding our consent "promotes unhealthy behaviors" like rape! Wow, if we'd all quit being so SELFISH and picky/choosy about our sex partners, we could eliminate rape altogether and the societal costs involved in 'labeling' these people and incarcerating them! *head smack* why didn't we think of this before!

And owning things (homes, cars, food, jewelry, clothing, etc.) is also bad because it "promotes unhealthy behaviors" like burglary, robbery (armed/unarmed), carjacking, bank heists. If nobody OWNED anything we could eliminate all those "crimes" and the associated societal costs for shaming people, wasting resources prosecuting, imprisoning, rehabilitating (what is just natural human behavior), etc. 

Does this dumb-ass Vicki Larson happen to TEACH at a prestigious (and over-priced) university? Because she sounds like a lot of uber-liberal professors across America!


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> This is the kind of stupid-ass, warm, fuzzy liberal thinking that got us where we are today. Don't take a stand on any issue...that's being JUDGEMENTAL! Don't have standards or ideals because you'll make others feel BADLY that they've fallen short, wah, wah, wah!
> 
> By this reasoning, we should consent to sex with everyone who wants sex with us (clean/dirty, friend/stranger, man/woman/child/beast) because withholding our consent "promotes unhealthy behaviors" like rape! Wow, if we'd all quit being so SELFISH and picky/choosy about our sex partners, we could eliminate rape altogether and the societal costs involved in 'labeling' these people and incarcerating them! *head smack* why didn't we think of this before!
> 
> ...


:rofl: :lol: :smthumbup:

*wipes tears from eyes*

Well, I WAS gonna go to bed. But after reading *this* SlowlyGettingWiser, I'm now fully awake! 

Oh GAWD how this post reminds me of the reasons WHY I'm no longer with my exh. His idea of "heaven on earth" was to be able to see an attractive woman across the street, have his way with her IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, and when he was finished, he would simply leave and go about his business. I told him that before that happened, someone would either have to invent a magic pill or a surgical procedure to permanently remove her _*FREE WILL *_first. 

He had such a _disappointed_ look on his face when I told him that! :rofl:

My mother used to work in a hospital back in the early '70s. She wasn't a nurse, but her department was on the same floor as the psych ward. Every so often she would come home with a 'good story' about one of the in-patients. One day she told me that she had been chatting with a young male patient for about 10 minutes. She said that he sounded pretty 'reasonable' at first. But then she said that the conversation SUDDENLY turned 'spooky'. He told her (out of the blue) that he believed that if EVERYONE F***ED EVERYONE else, then *EVERYONE* would _be happy_! She quickly excused herself so she wouldn't start LAUGHING in the poor soul's face.

Between my mother's story, my exh, the HuffPost author's 'view', and others in-between, hearing the pitiful excuses cheater's make for their behavior, I can't help but wonder...

...is this world getting MUCH, MUCH *WORSE*?

Vega


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey, SlowlyGettingWiser? I'm the author of the article sited, (Chump Lady, not Vicki Larson) and for the record -- I'm about as granola-headed, liberal, and hippy dippy as they come. Oh, and I went to a liberal arts college and then went to graduate school with African marxists. 

Rethink your "liberal" bias. We aren't some monolith. I'm pretty judgmental, (clearly). I'm a preacher's kid, and I worked at the defense department (OSD) once upon a time. All attributes you might mistake for a conservative. 

I'd point out that cheaters come in every political stripe imaginable, and so do their defenders.

Fuzzy headed thinking knows no political party.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is actually a great deal of truth in that article - monogamy is natural for some people, but the human species is not generally monogamous. We try to force monogamy on people via social convention, so of course it doesn't work well. Most people don't know about or understand the alternatives, so try to go with the default which ends up being too difficult. It really is a lot like obesity in some analogies.

A great deal of research supports the facts that human fall within a spectrum from monogamous to promiscuous by nature. It is usually better to work with nature than against it. Monogamy attempts to make one size fit all, when it obviously does not. Sort of like blaming the tiger for eating the trainer - you can make a tiger jump through hoops using rewards and punishments, but eventually the tiger may just be a tiger and act according to its nature.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> There is actually a great deal of truth in that article - monogamy is natural for some people, but the human species is not generally monogamous. We try to force monogamy on people via social convention, so of course it doesn't work well. Most people don't know about or understand the alternatives, so try to go with the default which ends up being too difficult. It really is a lot like obesity in some analogies.
> 
> A great deal of research supports the facts that human fall within a spectrum from monogamous to promiscuous by nature. It is usually better to work with nature than against it. Monogamy attempts to make one size fit all, when it obviously does not. Sort of like blaming the tiger for eating the trainer - you can make a tiger jump through hoops using rewards and punishments, but eventually the tiger may just be a tiger and act according to its nature.


..and when the tiger bites you, you say 'bad tiger', don't eat the humans.. bad bad tiger...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> She is either grossly obese or a cheater. Or a grossly obese cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is neither. Very fit and her husband left her for his mistress. She has written dozens of articles for HuffPo about how cheating destroys hearts and families. In this article, she was responding to an article called "The State of Affairs" written by a completely different author. She isn't agreeing with it, she is saying that infidelity is as widespread as obesity, low birth rates and divorce so shouldn't we also view infidelity as a societal issue? That was her point. 

If you know nothing about this woman's situation, it's easy to glean from this one article that she supports infidelity which couldn't be further from the truth. She explores infidelity from all angles and writes as a coping/healing mechanism.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

chumplady said:


> Hey, SlowlyGettingWiser? I'm the author of the article sited, (Chump Lady, not Vicki Larson) and for the record -- I'm about as granola-headed, liberal, and hippy dippy as they come. Oh, and I went to a liberal arts college and then went to graduate school with African marxists.
> 
> Rethink your "liberal" bias. We aren't some monolith. *I'm pretty judgmental, (clearly)*. I'm a preacher's kid, and I worked at the defense department (OSD) once upon a time. All attributes you might mistake for a conservative.
> 
> ...


On this particular issue you seemt o think very clearly in my opinion....and I like the biting nature of your articles lol


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> There is actually a great deal of truth in that article - monogamy is natural for some people, but the human species is not generally monogamous. We try to force monogamy on people via social convention, so of course it doesn't work well. Most people don't know about or understand the alternatives, so try to go with the default which ends up being too difficult. It really is a lot like obesity in some analogies.
> 
> A great deal of research supports the facts that human fall within a spectrum from monogamous to promiscuous by nature. It is usually better to work with nature than against it. Monogamy attempts to make one size fit all, when it obviously does not. Sort of like blaming the tiger for eating the trainer - you can make a tiger jump through hoops using rewards and punishments, but eventually the tiger may just be a tiger and act according to its nature.


My issue with this is that it should be up to the individual to know themselves well enough - and be honest enough with their partners - to say whether they are or are not one of the monogamous ones. My husband found monogamy "too hard" to manage. But he did not tell me that before marriage. He did not tell me that before he cheated on me the first time, or the last time, or any of the times in between. He knew I loved him and that I valued honesty above all else. He was also aware - because I had told him several times - that if he was ever unhappy enough that other women looked like a solution, to tell me and we would amicably split so he could pursue other relationships. 

My husband's problem was not that monogamy was being "forced" on him by "society". His problem was that he was unwilling to he honest. He had options. He could have divorced me, or asked me for an open marriage, or even not surprised me with a proposal of marriage in the first place. So he doesn't want to be married and doesn't think monogamy is for him? Then why the dog and pony show? Why not be honest? I would not have agreed to an open marriage, but there are women who would. Why not find one of them? 

The issue is cowardice and entitlement, not that monogamy is being forced on anyone. People who don't want to be monogamous should either not marry or marry people who know and accept that an open relationship will be part of the deal. Cheating is a lack of integrity, a lack of courage, a lack of honesty. Simply not being inclined to monogamy doesn't make anyone a cheater. Lacking the integrity, courage and honesty to inform others about who you are before you marry them - or a the very least before stepping outside the marriage - does.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> She is neither. Very fit and her husband left her for his mistress. She has written dozens of articles for HuffPo about how cheating destroys hearts and families. In this article, she was positing that if she hadn't assumed monogamy, perhaps her world wouldn't have been ripped apart the way it was.
> 
> If you know nothing about this woman's situation, it's easy to gleen from this one article that she supports infidelity which couldn't be further from the truth. She explores infidelity from all angles and writes as a coping/healing mechanism.


That's a very dangerous and destructive thing for her to do. 

She's out there making a strong case for cheating, and because its posted on huff post, a lot of people will view her as an authority figure to listen to, and to follow the advice in the article.

So how many marriages is she going be helping destroy because one of the partners reads her essay, that as ZERO of the qualifications you cite?

Ok she's in pain and hurting - then grieve. But getting on a widely accessed soap box and writing the article as she did, is irresponsible like yelling fire in a theatre.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> That's a very dangerous and destructive thing for her to do.
> 
> She's out there making a strong case for cheating, and because its posted on huff post, a lot of people will view her as an authority figure to listen to, and to follow the advice in the article.
> 
> ...


I posted my comment in haste, left out some key parts and have since added a few things. Vicki's article was in response to another article called "The State of Affairs" written by a completely different author. Her point being that infidelity is as rampant as obesity, low birth rates and divorce.....all of which are viewed as societal issues so why isn't infidelity viewed the same way? Each one of those is about personal choice yet something we as society are trying to fix. Why isn't the same attention given to infidelity since it is as destructive as the other three and also a choice. That was what Vicki's article was about. 

Here is the actual article Vicki wrote, not this ridiculously edited version. That said, Chump Lady is a heck of a writer on HuffPo as well. I'm saddened she gleaned this from Vicki's article. 

Is Infidelity A Societal Problem? | Vicki Larson


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Rowan said:


> My issue with this is that it should be up to the individual to know themselves well enough - and be honest enough with their partners - to say whether they are or are not one of the monogamous ones. My husband found monogamy "too hard" to manage. But he did not tell me that before marriage. He did not tell me that before he cheated on me the first time, or the last time, or any of the times in between. He knew I loved him and that I valued honesty above all else. He was also aware - because I had told him several times - that if he was ever unhappy enough that other women looked like a solution, to tell me and we would amicably split so he could pursue other relationships.
> 
> *My husband's problem was not that monogamy was being "forced" on him by "society". His problem was that he was unwilling to he honest. He had options. He could have divorced me, or asked me for an open marriage, or even not surprised me with a proposal of marriage in the first place. So he doesn't want to be married and doesn't think monogamy is for him? Then why the dog and pony show? Why not be honest? I would not have agreed to an open marriage, but there are women who would. Why not find one of them?
> 
> The issue is cowardice and entitlement, not that monogamy is being forced on anyone. * *People who don't want to be monogamous should either not marry or marry people who know and accept that an open relationship will be part of the deal. Cheating is a lack of integrity, a lack of courage, a lack of honesty. Simply not being inclined to monogamy doesn't make anyone a cheater. Lacking the integrity, courage and honesty to inform others about who you are before you marry them - or a the very least before stepping outside the marriage - does*.


:iagree::iagree: Great points..well stated


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

IMO, she talks out of both sides of her mouth. On the one hand, infidelity is a scourge. It's a "societal problem." On the other hand, she puts the blame on monogamy -- and questions if it's fair to expect everyone to conform to the Great Societal Pressure to be monogamous. 

I believe that monogamy is not the problem. If you don't want to be monogamous, don't be. Whether that is an open marriage or staying single. As excerpted above, what the "monogamy is unnatural" argument fails to address is that there is a power dynamic in infidelity -- that the sexual jollies are predicated on duping someone, on *cheating*, on gaming the system. That's part of the high, it's what gives it the frisson of danger and naughtiness. 

IMO entitlement thinking should be blamed for infidelity. It's the greed of wanting the perks of marriage with the thrills of screwing around on the side. That is an issue of character.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

chumplady said:


> IMO, she talks out of both sides of her mouth. On the one hand, infidelity is a scourge. It's a "societal problem." On the other hand, she puts the blame on monogamy -- and questions if it's fair to expect everyone to conform to the Great Societal Pressure to be monogamous.
> 
> I believe that monogamy is not the problem. If you don't want to be monogamous, don't be. Whether that is an open marriage or staying single. As excerpted above, what the "monogamy is unnatural" argument fails to address is that there is a power dynamic in infidelity -- that the sexual jollies are predicated on duping someone, on *cheating*, on gaming the system. That's part of the high, it's what gives it the frisson of danger and naughtiness.
> 
> IMO entitlement thinking should be blamed for infidelity. It's the greed of wanting the perks of marriage with the thrills of screwing around on the side. That is an issue of character.


This simply isn't true for most. The expectation of monogamy really is the basis of the problem, because it is contrary to human nature. Monogamy has been imposed by society, and no other models and options have been offered (and if they are, have been suppressed or denigrated), so most people won't even ask the question about their own preferences since they aren't aware they can. It's only in the last few decades that monogamy has had any serious challenge, and it's still largely a taboo topic for most. It's more than a little disingenuous to expect people to know what they want when they aren't even aware of the possibilities.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Lacking the integrity, courage and honesty to inform others about who you are before you marry them - or a the very least before stepping outside the marriage - does.


I agree that asking for an open marriage would be the best way to address any need for sexual diversity. 

But, not all affairs are about sex. I know that is difficult to believe. 

Most, IMO, are about meeting someone who feeds your flagging ego. 

Are all cheaters, lacking integrity or courage, it depends on the stage of life in which they had the affair and why. Some do feel entitled but not all.

Not all people think they will have an affair when married, most plan on being faithful. So, they are not even aware that they may succumb to cheating. 

If my wife had an affair, and admitted it was poor judgement and I felt it was out of character, I would not divorce her. 

I truly think that that is the true premise of the article. 

In France for example affairs are common and expected by both the man and the women. 

In France, people do not divorce due to an affair. 

That is the larger point, IMO, we need to take from the article.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Cheating is breaking a promise. Forced monogamy doesn't seem the problem to me because marriage, at least in our western society, is a voluntary thing, it's not forced upon anyone. Don't want to be monogamous? Don't promise it! It's that simple. Free will is a beautiful thing.

My husband had a co-worker that lived in our neighborhood. Dang, this guy would go walk the dog after dinner, stop by our neighbors to bang the wife of another co-worker while the dog was waiting outside. I witnessed this frequently while sitting at the dinner table with my family. His excuse: "...couldn't help it", "...man are like that", "...wired to spread it around". I do not believe for a second that this guy was simply the helpless victim of some caveman genes that forced him to bed everything with a pulse. He did what he did because he wanted to, it was his choice. 

The problem I'm having with the pre-wired to cheat theory is that if we were indeed polygamous by nature, then being cheated on wouldn't be that devastating to us.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FourtyPlus said:


> Cheating is breaking a promise. Forced monogamy doesn't seem the problem to me because marriage, at least in our western society, is a voluntary thing, it's not forced upon anyone. Don't want to be monogamous? Don't promise it! It's that simple. Free will is a beautiful thing.
> 
> My husband had a co-worker that lived in our neighborhood. Dang, this guy would go walk the dog after dinner, stop by our neighbors to bang the wife of another co-worker while the dog was waiting outside. I witnessed this frequently while sitting at the dinner table with my family. His excuse: "...couldn't help it", "...man are like that", "...wired to spread it around". I do not believe for a second that this guy was simply the helpless victim of some caveman genes that forced him to bed everything with a pulse. He did what he did because he wanted to, it was his choice.
> 
> The problem I'm having with the pre-wired to cheat theory is that if we were indeed polygamous by nature, then being cheated on wouldn't be that devastating to us.


Wow..were they ever discovered? Where was her husband?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

chumplady said:


> I believe that monogamy is not the problem. If you don't want to be monogamous, don't be. Whether that is an open marriage or staying single. As excerpted above, what the "monogamy is unnatural" argument fails to address is that there is a power dynamic in infidelity -- that the sexual jollies are predicated on duping someone, on *cheating*, on gaming the system. That's part of the high, it's what gives it the frisson of danger and naughtiness.
> 
> IMO entitlement thinking should be blamed for infidelity. It's the greed of wanting the perks of marriage with the thrills of screwing around on the side. That is an issue of character.


Part of the high may be the act of deception involved in infidelity, for some,..... but to generalize that to everybody is just as irresponsible as saying that monogamy is the reason for each individual infidelity. 

Most people who make such definitive pronouncements have no training in human psychology or endocrinology. They are typically self anointed experts with loud opinions and a self created bully pulpit.

Personally, IMO, I don't think it's monogamy that is the problem. I think it is the way society romanticizes infidelity on the silver screen. 

It's not romantic, it's ugly and painful, for the the betrayer and the betrayed, in the end. Unless the cheater is a psychopath without a conscience, both the betrayer and the betrayed suffer, in the end.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chumplady said:


> IMO, she talks out of both sides of her mouth. On the one hand, infidelity is a scourge. It's a "societal problem." On the other hand, she puts the blame on monogamy -- and questions if it's fair to expect everyone to conform to the Great Societal Pressure to be monogamous.
> 
> I believe that monogamy is not the problem. If you don't want to be monogamous, don't be. Whether that is an open marriage or staying single. As excerpted above, what the "monogamy is unnatural" argument fails to address is that there is a power dynamic in infidelity -- that the sexual jollies are predicated on duping someone, on *cheating*, on gaming the system. That's part of the high, it's what gives it the frisson of danger and naughtiness.
> 
> IMO entitlement thinking should be blamed for infidelity. It's the greed of wanting the perks of marriage with the thrills of screwing around on the side. That is an issue of character.


First off, I love your writing on HuffPo and am an avid reader of your work. You are razor sharp, witty and I agree with most if not all of what you write. 

That said, I think you misinterpreted what Vicki was saying in this article. She was saying that there are other issues we as a society face that are viewed as a societal one because of the destruction it does to "us" as a collective unit, obesity being one of them. Obesity costs us plenty in rising health care costs and disability. It also makes up 30% of our population. Cheating also costs us plenty and makes up 50-70% of our population if statistics are to be believed. Women (now) on public assistance post divorce, job loss, alcohol and drug abuse, children acting out in oftentimes criminal ways, psychological issues, healthcare costs for venereal tests/diseases, court costs, enforcing child support and in some cases prosecution/defense costs due to physical altercations. We as a society are deeply affected by infidelity so why is it not viewed as a societal issue? That was her point.

As for monogamy, she was citing another article in Salon magazine which said "Stigma may play a big role in the health of the obese" from a "fat positive body love coach" named Golda Poretsky who is part of a fat acceptance movement. Vicki posited that those who cheat face a lot of stigma too, so should there be an "infidelity acceptance movement"? It was tongue and cheek and all her readers knew that.

I'm bummed that you gleaned from her article what you did. Both you and Vicki have been to hell and back because of infidelity. This article was written with snark, as she often does. It was mocking the notion that personal responsibility doesn't matter anymore.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I really hate those forced societal rules:

No raping...
No murder...
No stealing...

I am sorry but also in France... Not a Fracophile. If there is anything that I don't want my kids to grow up to be it's French. The French are just like the mustard,... Yellow.

I think the point is some people feel entitled to their happiness no matter what the cost is. Marriage is a joint pact where both people VOW to do certain things. One of the primary things is to love and respect the other. Having an affair at least here is neither loving nor respectful. It often leads to divorce, has a huge and lasting effect on children and decimates the family financially.

Like it has been stated before. If you don't want to be monogamous don't join the pack where everyone who does is supposed to be. Oh that is right, cheaters are cake eaters. They want the safety that marriage brings and comfort of having their back up plan, i.e. trusting spouse, but they also want to F anyone they feel like. Who cares, they are not hurting anyone, right?

When I got married I took a vow. I honored my vows. I don't know, to me giving your word to someone is a big deal. I teach this to my kids all the time. I want them to grow up to be men, not adult males. Just about everything can be taken from you, except your word and your honor. You really have to give those away. If you do, then it's just sad and to me you just are a pitiful wretch.

Maybe I'm old fashioned. I give a moral compass and I expect great things.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> I am sorry but also in France... Not a Fracophile. If there is anything that I don't want my kids to grow up to be it's French. The French are just like the mustard,... Yellow.
> 
> 
> Maybe I'm old fashioned. I give a moral compass and I expect great things.


Does your moral compass include allowing you to insult other nationalities and cultures? Some would say it doesn't. 

To me, you are entitled to your opinion. 

The point of liking the french or is of no consequence. 

The point I was trying to make is that the issue of a marital affair always destroying a marriage appears to be a cultural one. 

It is influenced by culture. The french are not as unforgiving of an affair as are the people in the U.S. 

They are more willing to look at the person or the marriage in it's entirety. 

Everyone has flaws. No human is perfect. Some people cheat on their spouses by spending money on expensive items and concealing that fact. 

Some men go to bars and drink too much, but neglect to inform the wife, some go to topless bars and get lap dances, some women do the same, but never tell. Some people have emotional affairs but don't recognize them as such and keep them low key enough to go undetected for years or forever. 

For some those above indiscretions would be deal breakers. 

To my mind giving up too easily on a marriage is also a growing problem in society. Everything is disposable.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Does your moral compass include allowing you to insult other nationalities and cultures? Some would say it doesn't.
> 
> To me, you are entitled to your opinion.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: That part of your post I agree with 110%....I don't knwo exactly waht can be done about that though...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Try reading the article and come to your own opinions:

Is Infidelity A Societal Problem? | Vicki Larson

I think chumplady has an axe to grind because she was cheated on, so her opinions are suspect in my mind.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh the irony. A guy who tells a writer she has an axe to grind because she was cheated, her opinions are thus suspect, yet cites another author who was also cheated on.


One shows distinct bias, one does not.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I never stated that ALL liberals held this viewpoint, only that everyone who held this viewpoint was a liberal.

All humans are not men, but all men are humans.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> One shows distinct bias, one does not.


Both are divorced women due to cheating. I fail to see how either is because of bias.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I never stated that ALL liberals held this viewpoint, only that everyone who held this viewpoint was a liberal.
> 
> All humans are not men, but all men are humans.


Never met my cheating conservative Republican father did you? Over his 38 year marriage to my mother, he had from what my sister and I could actually put together something in the neighborhood of 60 to 80 partners. Human? Hardly. 

Why you say cheating is a political party is beyond me. People cheat because they are of low moral character and all around *******s but naturally lets make it about political affiliation.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Never met my cheating conservative Republican father did you? Over his 38 year marriage to my mother, he had from what my sister and I could actually put together something in the neighborhood of 60 to 80 partners. Human? Hardly.
> *
> Why you say cheating is a political party is beyond me. People cheat because they are of low moral character and all around *******s but naturally lets make it about political affiliation*.


I may not agree with your politics but you are spot on about that....we had Bill Clinton AND Newt Gingrich in office at that same time...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Truthseeker1 said:


> I may not agree with your politics but you are spot on about that....we had Bill Clinton AND Newt Gingrich in office at that same time...


Politics matters little. There is only one common denominator among cheaters and that is entitlement. My father would have lost his [email protected] mind if he thought my mother cheated on him, meanwhile he was nailing anything that moved. She finally came to her senses, divorced his ass, didn't go for the jugular like she could have in California yet until the day he died claimed he was a victim because he had to split "his" assets with her. Yeah, what a gold digger that chick of 38 years was. Nothing more to say really other than what a complete and worthless pile of sh!t he was.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Politics matters little. There is only one common denominator among cheaters and that is entitlement. *My father would have lost his [email protected] mind if he thought my mother cheated on him*, meanwhile he was nailing anything that moved.


Yes! I find it ironic (and downright hypocritical) that the cheater often _demands_ and _expects_ fidelity FROM us, yet they're not willing to give it TO us. 

That is the WORST form of _arrogance_, IMHO. 

Vega


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All you need to know is that it was penned by an alcoholic MFA in womyn's studies from Smith or whatever who has found her home at Huffington Post with all the rest scrawling columns about the heteronormative patriarchy. Frankly I'm shocked she didn't write about how obesity and adultery are really just freedom fighting aka justified terrorism. There are some idiots you can no longer even make fun of because they're too good at doing that to themselves and the rich white morons at Huffington Post are good examples.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

My dad is fat, and he is a cheater. 

I wonder if there is a connection...

Or perhaps it is due to a lack of self-control. 

I love donuts and McDonalds. So I get fat because I eat them everyday because I lack the mental discipline to not eat trash everyday. 

I love women, therefore, I marry one, and get extra on the side because I lack the self-control to keep it in my pants.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I hate politics and generally take a neutral and by-issue approach on things, but want to point out a few things specific to the OP's article.
Huffpo is a liberal paper IMO.
When you look at cheaterville posts and check out the Map view, they show a dense area of cheater locations in largely Liberal locales.
It's the me-me-me-I deserve-entitlement attitude that makes me sick.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Interesting read. Truthseeker has a way of making some thought provoking threads.

I really don't have a problem if someone chooses to avoid monogamy. Monogamy is probably sexually less exciting. 

My problem comes from the promises made that are intentionally broken. Then the dishonesty in blameshifting and cover-up.

Go over-eat! Have all the junk food you want! Sleep with as many as you can! Just don't vow to God and me, then betray me with lies and blame. I really don't want some other guy's juice in my wife's body. Or his diseases. 

If you don't love me, set me free. Finding a new love is not that difficult, and can be very exciting. 

I ain't got time for dat. Lol!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MovingAhead said:


> I really hate those forced societal rules:
> 
> No raping...
> No murder...
> No stealing...


Yeah, because infidelity is right up there with rape & murder.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

badcompany said:


> I hate politics and generally take a neutral and by-issue approach on things, but want to point out a few things specific to the OP's article.
> Huffpo is a liberal paper IMO.
> When you look at cheaterville posts and check out the Map view, they show a dense area of cheater locations in largely Liberal locales.
> It's the me-me-me-I deserve-entitlement attitude that makes me sick.



Correlation isn't causation.

There are more cheaters on a GPS map in liberal areas because liberal areas are dense urban cities where conservative areas are far less dense, rural, and spread over larger areas.

Think...then speak.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It speaks volumes to me that so many conservative posters are desperately grasping at infidelity as a "Blue State" problem.

Is there any level y'all won't stoop to?

Un ****ing real.


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## chiksam (May 4, 2012)

Interesting post. I found it very thought provoking. So much so that I found myself thinking about something other than the heavy heart and mind movies (god...those mind movies?!) that are becoming part of the furniture inside my head.

The way I see it, sure, ultimately cheating is a behavioural choice that each individual makes for themselves, a likely consequence of a myriad of biological, chemical, emotional, cognitive, and moral processes. 

But you can't divorce human beings from the societal "stage" or "platform" upon which they live out their lives. Monogamy is...still (although I'd argue this is in decline)...the DESIRABLE relationship model in the world we live in today. Sure, we CAN choose to shun monogamy in favour of the alternative (I know I'm done with it after the last two years)...but the general social perception of individuals who choose that path is often that they live a shameful existence or are somehow "missing out" by not being in a monogamous relationship. There is still a social norm out there that heralds and champions the monogamous relationship.

Now, IF we ARE (or even some of us are) somehow "wired to cheat" or find it a "battle" to remain faithful, how can monogamy be to blame?

Well, it can't directly be to blame. But it could be part of the cultural preconditions that make it more likely. I mean, IF we live in a society where a monogamous lifestyle is championed and forwarded as something to aim for (it is something many feel a social pressure to find) then members of that society will construct the idea that they need this in order for their lives to have meaning (as with the job, the car, the house etc etc). Problem is some of them (if we buy the idea of the wired to cheat thing) are not cut out for that, yet may feel a social pressure towards the monogamous way of living in order to give meaning to their lives. They would find themselves in a state of internal conflict because of this and the chances of them cheating are higher.

So it wouldn't be monogamy per se that would be to blame here...but rather the fact that we live in a society where monogamy is the championed and dominant model of relating.

I have a buddy who is gay. He is married but his partner and he no longer f&£k. Each night they satisfy themselves sexually by hooking up on the web. So they get companionship from each other and sex from all over. Most people think they're discusting and lack morals. Alternative models to monogamy are available...but not socially accepted...that's why many who may not be cut out for monogamy find themselves in it and struggling.

That sound enough like a liberal arts Professor for you?


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

If you aren't capable of being monogamous, don't get married.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

badcompany said:


> I hate politics and generally take a neutral and by-issue approach on things, but want to point out a few things specific to the OP's article.
> Huffpo is a liberal paper IMO.
> When you look at cheaterville posts and check out the Map view, they show a dense area of cheater locations in largely Liberal locales.
> It's the me-me-me-I deserve-entitlement attitude that makes me sick.


Yeah, it's only liberals who cheat.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

tacoma said:


> It speaks volumes to me that so many conservative posters are desperately grasping at infidelity as a "Blue State" problem.
> 
> Is there any level y'all won't stoop to?
> 
> Un ****ing real.


Hey - liberals sling just as much mud....so get off your high horse ok?


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Wow..were they ever discovered? Where was her husband?


The cheating co-worker's wife knew something was going on. She used to say "I would cut him off, but I don't know where he's getting it!" 

The banged wife and her husband had an open marriage, no problem there. 

The cheater's wife later on looked for and found someone online, told her husband she was going to see her brother and went on a sex-vacation, I'm assuming to get even with her husband. He found out, they got divorced. We ended up having to take in their dog and find him a new home.

Disgusting!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FourtyPlus said:


> The cheating co-worker's wife knew something was going on. She used to say "I would cut him off, but I don't know where he's getting it!"
> 
> The banged wife and her husband had an open marriage, no problem there.
> 
> ...


Wait so he cheats on her and divorces her over infidelity? :rofl:

:wtf: can't people find a hobby like bowling? lol


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Wait so he cheats on her and divorces her over infidelity? :rofl:
> 
> :wtf: can't people find a hobby like bowling? lol


Yep, that's exactly what he did. He's remarried now, wife #4 I think.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

FourtyPlus said:


> Yep, that's exactly what he did. He's remarried now, wife #4 I think.


Wife number 4..I'm shocked the other 3 let him get away..what a prize...


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