# My husband will not be in family portrait:(



## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

My husband is a workaholic and before i go any further i want to state that I am very appreaciative of all the hard work he does but there is a fine line and he has crossed it . We have 3 children together ages 12, 9 and 5 and we have never had a proper family portrait done . I have organised it for a saturday afternoon as that was the only day i could do it and i have had trouble in the past trying to get him to to take a saturday off he hasnt had one off since his christmas break he only gets to spend time with his kids on Sunday and then he sleeps half the day , and he can take Saturdays off he has done it to play golf when it suites him .Anyway to cut a long story short he has been away interstate all week refuses to be in this family portrait i have a big argument with him saying that the world doesnt revolve around Sundays . I am at my wits end , and then he threw in a comment " If you would get off your a** and get a job i wouldnt have to work like a dog !" I was crying my eyes out how dare he say that to me , i have always wanted to go back to work but couldnt becasue of school holidays as we have so many of them and i have no one to look after my kids. I am at my wits end my Daughter was so sad he wouldnt come to get the photo done she asked him if he was going to take the photo day off and he said maybe , i told her not to get her hopes up and that most likely he will be going to work . Does anyone have any advice on how i can handle this situation better as i feel he has no respect for me at all . I would really appreaciate anyones insight 

<3 Haniel


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Why didn't you schedule the portrait appointment for Sunday?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

River1977 said:


> Why didn't you schedule the portrait appointment for Sunday?


That's what I was wondering too. Also, you couldn't even get a part time job to alleviate some of the stress and he could have a bit of time off? You two should sit down and discuss the benefits and drawbacks of you having a job, be it full or part time. Also, if the concern is being home for the kids, why not babysit? There are also places that allow the luxury of working from home. Is there a reason you haven't tried any of those?Based on what you posted, he does sound resentful that he's working and he feels you do nothing all day. Also, you have absolutely NO ONE who could watch the kids on holidays?At first, I was going to suggest letting the 12 year old watch the other two... but then I thought about my 11 year old and my 5 year old... yea... that wouldn't work! LOL Not sure how to advise there. I just remember that I was 11 when my younger sister and I were allowed to stay home alone. But that was sooooo many years ago!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume that he's paid hourly? 

It sounds like the two of you need the extra money he earns. He's probably exhausted. 

You know, there are millions of working parents, single and married, who are able to find child care. I'm sure that there is something or someone near where you live who will watch your children. 

Your 5 year old will start school next year. It's a good time to start a career outside the home.

What kind of education and skills do you have? Could you run a child care from your home as someone above suggested.

How are your spending habits? Could you cut back so that your husband does not need to work so many hours?

It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble. This portrait is only a very small symptom.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I asked in effort not be too judgmental and hoping there was some really legitimate reason the sitting couldn't be scheduled for Sunday. I actually doubt there is a good reason, thinking there could be a different studio if this one isn't open on Sundays, or something else. Still, I hoped she'd return soon since she had only posted a few minutes earlier.

It appears she wants her husband to engage in his family, instead of working so much, but I don't think forcing him, trying to control him, and starting arguments is the way to go about it. Plus, her reason for not working is only an excuse. Everyone else works it out some kind of way, and so can she. If she doesn't want to work, just come right out and say and dismiss the drama.

Another marriage in serious need of counseling. I can guess why hubby stays away so much even though he makes time for himself ever so often. She's unhappy, probably lonely, and feeling like a single parent most of the time. Don't know where she went so quickly but sure hope she gets the message they are in desperate need of counseling.


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

River1977 said:


> Why didn't you schedule the portrait appointment for Sunday?


Because this was a special fundraising offer at my kids school and we were only allocated Saturday. Also i do want to work i have always worked but i do not want to leave my kids with strangers ,i have tried to work around my husbands hours and that is not an option either . I am trying to find work from home without getting scammed in the process with all these jobs they have online that sound to good to be true .


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> being home for the kids, why not babysit? There are also places that allow the luxury of working from home. , I was going to suggest letting the 12 year old watch the other two... but then I thought about my 11 year old and my 5 year old... yea... that wouldn't work! LOL Not sure how to advise there. I just remember that I was 11 when my younger sister and I were allowed to stay home alone. But that was sooooo many years ago!


Maricha , 

Thankyou for the baby sitting idea it is a prospect , i am looking for something i can do from home but like i typed in my above post to river i am worried about getting scammned as you hear so many horror stories and most of the jobs sound to good to be true . If i did leave my 12 year old to watch the other it would be all in war and i dont want my daugher lumbered with that responsibiliy she is to young .


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He should just get the damn portrait done but you should delve into the problem he has with you not working (Because he does have one).

No job because of school holidays?

I`m not getting that, I`m sure he`s not either.


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I assume that he's paid hourly?
> 
> It sounds like the two of you need the extra money he earns. He's probably exhausted.
> 
> ...



Yes we do need the extra money Elegir and he is paid hourly, i have retail experience , and i could get my old job back tomorrow but what do i do on school holidays ? I cant afford to send my kids to the programs the council runs and i dont like leaving them with strangers my Mum is the only person i have who could help but she takes care of my disabled brother and it is to much for her .. My inlaws are useless and my freinds all work themselves .


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> He should just get the damn portrait done but you should delve into the problem he has with you not working (Because he does have one).
> 
> *No job because of school holidays?
> 
> I`m not getting that, I`m sure he`s not either.*


I have a pretty good idea on that. When the kids are in school, it's no problem, mom can work while they are gone and be off in time to pick them up or be at home within minutes (MAYBE an hour or two?) of them getting home from school. When there are school breaks, be it summer or holiday breaks, no one would be home for the majority of the time and she is concerned how the children would fare. (I'm sure you know vacations are referred to as "holidays" in other areas. Not saying this in a condescending tone, some actually aren't familiar with that thought) As she stated above, that's a long of responsibility for a 12 year old, tho many children have fared well under such circumstances. Anyway, the point is that they need to sit down and figure this all out or the resentment, on BOTH sides, will grow.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Haniel said:


> Yes we do need the extra money Elegir and he is paid hourly, i have retail experience , and i could get my old job back tomorrow but what do i do on school holidays ? I cant afford to send my kids to the programs the council runs and i dont like leaving them with strangers my *Mum is the only person i have who could help but she takes care of my disabled brother and it is to much for her* .. My inlaws are useless and my freinds all work themselves .


Ok, I DO have experience in this area! My brother-in-law is disabled, both physically and mentally. Ok, how about this: the kids go to your mom's during the school holidays. Send whatever is needed for the kids, be it food or anything else, with them every day you work. I know it would be a HUGE responsibility for your kids, but ask them to help grandma in any way possible. Honestly, there is no reason your oldest, or even the other two, can't do basic cooking or use a microwave for meals. The 12 year old, for sure could cook on the stove. Grandma would be there to supervise if needed. And THEN if mom just needs a break for a few hours every once in awhile, YOU stay with your brother on your days off, if your hubby is working. Of course, that arrangement would have to be discussed with your husband and your mom. But it is a possible solution. And, it will give your mom some time to rest.


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

Thankyou Maricha i was going to type the exact same thing to tacoma . I am in Australia and we call them school holidays over here.They have all up segregated 12 weeks , four 2 weeks blocks and one 4 week block around Christmas .


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm in Australia too and tbh, your post really reminds me of a very high-profile poster on a couple of parenting forums here.

Anyway, if you're on a low income and you need to work part-time then you will be eligible for the child-care rebate for holidays. From the Centrlelink website : "Child Care Benefit
Child Care Benefit helps you with the cost of child care for long day care, family day care, occasional care, outside school hours care, vacation care and registered care."

If you're the poster I'm thinking of, I'm sure you will be back with many reasons why you can't access the CCB. If you're not, find out what assistance you're entitled to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

You never know.. If you were to get a job your employer might just be willing to work with you on needing time off when your kids are out of school. Most employers understand that their employees are human and have families.

In the meantime is there anything that you can cut back on to stretch your husbands pay? I consider one of my most important jobs as a SAHM is being thrifty. Being careful with the money he has worked hard to earn is a major way that I show my appreciation to him.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Haniel, I have to agree with some posters above, the family portrait is the least of your problems. Your husband is angry and resentful, and you need to work on that. Plenty of women work with children. I think you may need some outside advice on what to do, and I hope you can access that locally.


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I'm in Australia too and tbh, your post really reminds me of a very high-profile poster on a couple of parenting forums here.
> 
> Anyway, if you're on a low income and you need to work part-time then you will be eligible for the child-care rebate for holidays. From the Centrlelink website : "Child Care Benefit
> Child Care Benefit helps you with the cost of child care for long day care, family day care, occasional care, outside school hours care, vacation care and registered care."
> ...


Lyris , 

My husband earns above what centrelink class as a low income , ive checked all that out for parenting payment , but not for child care .I only ever used to put my kids in occaisional care for a few hours a week to socialise with other kids and it wasnt that expensive at the time . Thank you for your insight i will have a look again at what centrelink has to offer . Sorry i am not the poster you are thinking of .


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Ok, I DO have experience in this area! My brother-in-law is disabled, both physically and mentally. Ok, how about this: the kids go to your mom's during the school holidays. Send whatever is needed for the kids, be it food or anything else, with them every day you work. I know it would be a HUGE responsibility for your kids, but ask them to help grandma in any way possible. Honestly, there is no reason your oldest, or even the other two, can't do basic cooking or use a microwave for meals. The 12 year old, for sure could cook on the stove. Grandma would be there to supervise if needed. And THEN if mom just needs a break for a few hours every once in awhile, YOU stay with your brother on your days off, if your hubby is working. Of course, that arrangement would have to be discussed with your husband and your mom. But it is a possible solution. And, it will give your mom some time to rest.


Maricha , 

What you posted sounds like a great idea but my Brother is intullectually disabled, he suffers bipolar and anxiety and gets stressed out when the kids are around , and it would be to much pressure on my Mum and the kids dont like seeing him like this its very distressing for them .


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

Mrs.K said:


> You never know.. If you were to get a job your employer might just be willing to work with you on needing time off when your kids are out of school. Most employers understand that their employees are human and have families.
> 
> In the meantime is there anything that you can cut back on to stretch your husbands pay? I consider one of my most important jobs as a SAHM is being thrifty. Being careful with the money he has worked hard to earn is a major way that I show my appreciation to him.


Mrs K , 

I wish i could find an employer like that, i have been trying to find a job working the night shift so i could be home during the day , but i havent come across anything as yet , my husband starts at 6 am and gets home at 6.30 pm so if i could get a job starting at 8 pm it would be perfect but the thing that worries me is he is a heavy sleeper extremley heavy ,and i worry if he would sleep through if the kids were up during the night sick but im sure that my daughter would wake him up by shaking him and i am trying to spend less . I am only buying the necessities .


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Haniel, I have to agree with some posters above, the family portrait is the least of your problems. Your husband is angry and resentful, and you need to work on that. Plenty of women work with children. I think you may need some outside advice on what to do, and I hope you can access that locally.


Lagmaga, 

Thankyou for you insight i to hope that i can get some advice locally .


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Haniel said:


> Maricha ,
> 
> What you posted sounds like a great idea but my Brother is intullectually disabled, he suffers bipolar and anxiety and gets stressed out when the kids are around , and it would be to much pressure on my Mum and the kids dont like seeing him like this its very distressing for them .


Again, something I am familiar with. My husband is bipolar and suffers from anxiety as well. He is around our kids 24/7 when they are on school breaks. One of the kids is home all day anyway. And, if he gets stressed out, he goes to our bedroom to calm his anxiety. They can't go to a park or outside to play with any local kids while there? Or does your brother also have an aversion to large crowds, also like my husband? My husband has, essentially, been reclusive for the last four years. I can rarely get him outside the house. But he deals with the stress of our 11 year old, 5 year old, and almost 4 year old because it is necessary. 

Is your brother's therapist (or therapists) working with him on coping skills? What does he do when his anxiety level gets too high? Honestly, unless your children run wild, I don't understand how the 12 year old and the 9 year old at least would cause stress. The 5 year old, MAYBE. But if there are activities to do, places to go, that shouldn't be an issue for stressing him out. 

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. It's just with my experience dealing with these particular problems, there is a solution.


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## Haniel (Feb 27, 2011)

Maricha, 

My Brother is 35 with the mentality of an eight year old and he is very hard to control when he has these outbursts , he can go off at the drop of a hat it doesnt take much to set him off .It just wouldnt work as much as i would like it to . I have a sister as well but she is a recovering addict , how i wish i could depend on my sister , to look after the kids . My heart goes out to you with your Hubby i to feel my hubby is suffering some sort of depression as well as he has has rapid weight loss , mood swings , we went through a terrible time in our marriage where he wouldnt talk to me it was like living with a stranger . I told him that he should go to the doctors but he gets very angry with me . He has had extreme hearing loss due to his work and he refuses to get a hearing aid as well i feel this is also playing a big part in it .


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