# confused!



## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

In my recent thread, I discussed with you guys about my wife possibly having an affair with her ex (my stepdaughters father). After the good useful advice you guys gave me and installing a VAR in her car, I caught her red handed. I confronted her about it, never revealing my resources and told her that I know and theres no reason to lie. Well, she tried to lie at first and then she finally came clean. 
On the Recorder, she calls him the love of her life! She talks about him all the time to her friends and when she talks about me, she complains about what I'm not doing and makes me look bad. She picks him up in OUR car while I'm at work and spends the day with him. All her friends (who I liked) knew about this affair. I know she hasen't had sex with him because she told her friends that she's not having sex with anyone random but, if she decided that, it would be with him. 
I'm emotiionally destroyed. My question is, When I confronted her about it yesterday, she was completely upset, saying she's sorry, it was a mistake, she didn't want to leave her marriage and so forth. Today she is being a total (excuse me ladies) bit--! She tells me that our marriage was destroyed long before this. That her affair has nothing to do with the problems in our marriage. She says she's innocent and that it could have been worse, she could have had sex with him. She shut down on me, she wont talk to me. She won't let me vent and get things off my chest. She says she doesn't care anymore, she should have left a long time ago, because now my focus is on the affair and not the problems we already had. 
What the hell! how did all this get turned around on me? How did I end up being the bad guy? I feel betrayed, belittled, and scorned and all she can do is flip the blame! I hate her for that. Now I can't get anything from her but sarcasm an anger. Why is she not the remorceful wife like before? The car that she drives(and also drove him around in) is past due for inspection. I put it in the shop yesterday to get it inspected. In the meantime she has no car. She has the freaking nerve to tell me today that she can't believe I waited this long to get the car inspected. and that she is going to start taking care of things herself. WTF!!!!! I said if I wasen't an emotional wreck all month dealing with your lies and trying to find out the truth, I would have had time to inspect the car. What gives!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Welcome to Hell! Sorry you are here.

It is utterly heartbreaking to go through this. Just remember that you are not alone. It is all too common. TAM is your best friend until you can breathe again.

You will receive great advice. You can also read the countless threads, and see what your life probably will be like in the next few weeks, months, and years.

Brother, just know you will survive. You also need to know that it was NOT your fault.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Also, I told her that she broke my heart, and since she didn't have sex with him, maybe we can get counciling and work on our problems and all. My wife is not the type to accept restrictions and guidlines, but I told her in order for us to even have a chance, she has to cut permanent communication with her ex. I know that they have a daughter together but all that is going to be delt through me now. I'm going to be involved in every conversation that they have and all. She says... that is so stupid! how is that gonna work. If she has to say something to him she is going to say it. What!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

P.S. - If you try to appease her, you will make it worse. Expose and distance yourself emotionally ASAP. Read up on the 180.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

While we wait for others to chime in, please know that going dark on her is far better than trying to plead with her.

Tell her you are done, and that you are going to file for D. Then DO IT!!! Sorry, but it is the ONLY way she will consider what she is doing.

It hurts worse than anything, but know that you must walk away from her.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Thanks, you are right, pleading does no good. I'll focus on the 180. I've been reading up on it already. Now its time to apply it. She has been so disrespectful to me its sickening.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

typical blameshifting tirade


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Do you have any kids with her? If not, leave. She's not over the ex.


:iagree:


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Our marriage had its ups and down, but I never emotionally or physically abused her. I thought I was the ideal husband. I worked 7 days a week, she worked part time. We have a stepdaughter together. Yeah, I do t think she's over him. The way she talked about him was really irritating! She just loves this dude. I'm done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

weird223 said:


> All her friends (who I liked) knew about this affair. I know she hasen't had sex with him because she told her friends that she's not having sex with anyone random but, if she decided that, it would be with him.


 Just because she has not told her friends that she is having sex with him does not mean that she is telling them the truth. Although she admits to having a secret friendship with this other man (OM), admitting to having sex with him would put her in the bad light of being a cheater, so it is doubtful that she would admit this to them. The truth is since she already has had sex with him in the past, and admits to wanting to have sex with him now, it is highly likely that she has already had sex with him. While your are at work paying the bills, she picks him up in your car to spend the day with him for gosh sake.

She was surprised that after you caught her cheating that the issue was not that you were going to end the marraige, but how much it hurt you and how much you wanted to save the marraige. She lost what respect she had for you right there. Now she is in full on disrespect mode knowing that she can have you back anytime that she wants. You need to file for divorce and mean it. You can always change your mind, if she makes the effort to earn a second chance.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sounds like you cleared your head quickly. Facing the bitter truth is difficult. You appear to be doing that exceptionally well. Much better than I did.

I can't imagine wanting to be the second string person in her world.

Think about yourself as someone would see you. You obviously had some attractive traits, or she would have never wanted to be with you. Use those good things for a fresh start with someone new. If you are a little rusty, improve yourself.

It probably is a situation that leaves you no option to come out ahead. Learn from it, and find a better woman for the next go. 

My $0.02.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer up. Protect your finances. Document. Plan ahead. Do it quickly.
Hard 180. Dark on her. Don't ask, don't demand, don't talk.
Cut ties with so called friends.
Tell her to move in with OM. You can even help her pack. To hell with her.
Be kind, caring, loving to step daughter.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Your mistake was the minute she got caught, she was scared, afraid her comfortable life as she knew it might end...then you took her home and played nice.

The minute she learned she had actually nothing to lose was the moment she switched it back on you.

The next time even the mere hint of disrespect is even uttered, you kick her out and tell her you're not having it. She will either learn to respect you then you can work on your marriage..or she will continue to disrespect you, if that is the case then your marriage is pretty much done.

She essentially told you to be grateful she didn't bang him. There is nothing to be confused about. That's blatant disregard for you and the family.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OUCH!

Your wife has shown nothing but contempt and disrespect for you to her Ex and her friends. These people (right or wrong) have been looking down on you for months now while she has basically cuckholded you. 

I too find it almost impossible to believe that she hasn't had sex with him since "she calls him the love of her life" and " She picks him up in OUR car while I'm at work and spends the day with him. "

She has taken the typical cheaters tactic of turning it all back on you. Start doing the following since she feels "she is going to start taking care of things herself":

Take her name off (or cancel) all joint credit cards
Take half the money in any joint bank accounts and move it into account(s) with only your name on it/them.
Cancel her car insurance and let her know that since "she is going to start taking care of things herself" she can get her own insurance.
If the cell account is in your name, cancel her phone.
Tell her that since it's obvious she wants to be single, here's her chance. Also let her know since she's the one who broke the marital vows, she should be moving out

If for some reason you consider R with this woman, insist that she take a polygraph first to see how far this little tryst actually went


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

How do you "have" a stepdaughter with someone? Whose kid is she?

JFYI when two adults that are attracted to one another spend entire days alone together, they have sex.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

Try: I understand, that makes total sense. I think I've been the fool long enough. It's time to file. Truth really hurts.
Lovemytruck: I'm not doing well at all! I'm emotionally sick! I can't believe my WIFE, my love, has betrayed me like this! I called the OM last night and I wanted war! I think it's denial dude. People are really that cold. My WIFE is really that cold. I could NEVER be her second string and live with that. Thanks for the reality check.
Acabado: thanks for the advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Weird sorry man just file and go cold on her and focus on getting your ducks in a row. Don't tell her just do it.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Harsh. This group here is a great supportive resource. There is basically a script being played out for the millionth time and now you get a leading role! Your story can either be dark and mean spirited or slightly less dark and a rebirth of sorts. Keeping a level head, not being aggressively spiteful can roll you out of this like a boss, opportunities for happiness are waiting and you will be the great man you already know you are. 

It's been just over a year since I found out my wife of 10 years was having an affair and leaving me. Now I am better off in every way, including having a smarter, sweeter, more fun and more sexually active woman in my life than before.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The harder you try the worse she will likely respond. I find it hard to believe that she speaks so highly of him, slept with him before, and spends the day with him now but does not put out. Perhaps she lied to the friend. 

At a minimum do a hard 180.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

weird223 said:


> Try: I understand, that makes total sense. I think I've been the fool long enough. It's time to file. Truth really hurts.
> *Lovemytruck: I'm not doing well at all! I'm emotionally sick! I can't believe my WIFE, my love, has betrayed me like this! I called the OM last night and I wanted war! I think it's denial dude. People are really that cold. My WIFE is really that cold. I could NEVER be her second string and live with that. Thanks for the reality check.*Acabado: thanks for the advice
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know the emotional stuff is hell. So sorry for that!

What you are doing well is facing the bitter truth. You seem to have a very good grasp on what has happened, and what you need to do. Most (including myself) have a longer denial period.

My hat is off to you for that.

My last word of advice for the day is to avoid doing anything that is self-destructive. Avoid the war today. Just go about getting the things in place to protect yourself. Let your rage be tempered. Don't allow anything to get you into trouble with the law. Most of these types will bullsh!t the cops if they think they can make you look bad. 

Yup, it happened to me too. I know how it makes you feel like vomitting too. So sorry you are here.


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## mg2977 (Mar 20, 2013)

Sorry you are here. 

I think she slept with him, but does not want to tell her friends because they may not keep it a secret. It just does not make sense that she hasn't and remember everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. 

File for D now, do not waste your time contacting OM, unless it is to call him to ask what time would be good to drop off your W's belongings bc she is moving in with him. I would even offer to help her pack her stuff. She won't expect that but if they are so in love, they should be together. 

File D and no more communication. She thinks she can handle things by herself, then let her, starting with supporting herself and her daughter. I know you are devastated but she will not expect you to take the hard line, so do it and do not threaten her with D, just file and serve (the surprise of D papers will effect her much more). 

Good luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

File for D now, do not waste your time contacting OM, unless it is to call him to ask what time would be good to drop off your W's belongings bc she is moving in with him. This is the mindset you need now.:iagree:


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It's odd, to me, to know for a fact that sometimes people (it's been women in my life experience) can transfer affection to someone else when they are still in love with the "original" (whether an ex or a crush or whatever). That's what it sounds like may have happened in your case. She took you on to keep him from getting under her skin, but since they have a kid (I surmise), he's always going to be around. 

Digressing now.... I'm lucky in that respect as my beautiful wife's ex never had interest in their daughter. Doesn't sound like it makes the daughter lucky but then again, you've never met the dude....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

weird223 said:


> I called the OM last night and I wanted war!


Stop calling him. He could care less about your right to your wife. Right or wrong, from the OM's point of view, his daughter and the mother of his daughter are the real family, and you are nothing more than the interloper that prevented his wife from coming back to him. If he is Catholic, then he does not even believe in divorce, thus your marriage was invalid as she was and still is his wife; viewed in this light, her relationship with you is the immoral one, while his relationship with your wife is nothing more than him taking back what was his under God. BTW this is exactly the point of view that he is trying to get her to buy into. I am not saying that this is right. I am just saying that you are wasting your time talking to him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have to think that your old lady doesn't have the submission required to help you heal and make this marriage work.

So you going to have to heal on your own, so with that said why do you need her around?

its been my experience here at TAM that it goes 2 way in confronting, 1) Wayward gets pissed off and walks, only to come back the next day for forgiveness now that they see what they are about to lose 2) Wayward gets scared and asks for forgiveness and is a shamed of the morality and then the next day realizes that they will not submit to this crap and regrets apoligiling in the 1st place.

Since the later is your deal, you can have with the up most confidence that she has stepped out and there is no need for you to sit on the fence with this matter....cuz this matter (the marrriage) is over.

See the mind set your STBXW has? 

The analogy is this; when getting pulled over you are very nice to the cop even though your were speeding, but once you get your ticket and the cop is gone, then that said cop is the biggest POS that ever was.......even though you were in fact speeding.

So some folks drive off from getting pulled over saying to them selves " damb I cant believe I was speeding"...while other folks say " phuck that cop, how dare he write me a ticket. Even thought both types of people were very nice and apoligetic to the officer.

You got a lot of great advice from the vets here at TAM. I just wanted to add my anoligy to help clear this up for you.


Then again I may have confused you more. lol


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Weird, kick this woman to the curb. She only had you around to pay for her and her kid. I agree with the others that she's been banging the ex. Divorce her tomorrow.

You also need to learn some game. How old are you?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Lawyer up. Protect your finances. Document. Plan ahead. Do it quickly.
> Hard 180. Dark on her. Don't ask, don't demand, don't talk.
> Cut ties with so called friends.
> Tell her to move in with OM. You can even help her pack. To hell with her.
> Be kind, caring, loving to step daughter.


Were it me in this specific situation, I'd load her in the car, drive her to the OM's place and leave her there. Let her be his problem.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Weird-----you call your wife out, and you tell her---since her attitude is that she thinks, little or nothing of you, and she doesn't wanna be in this mge---that D IS ON THE TABLE RIGHT NOW

Tell her you will go to an atty, and get the D process started----and do so---if you don't wanna spend the money----and wanna find out her reaction---then google your state's legal forms, print out the Divorce/Custody/Property settlement packets---and leave them where she can see them

Also tell her that as of today---she is responsible for paying half of all marital bills, including mtg., all insurances, car payments, utilities, and all other necessities that belong to the mge

Go to the bank, and put all marital money, in an acct. with only your name on it---and cancel any and all CC's she has in her name, or jointly with you

Lets see how she handles a bit of reality-------it is time for you to give her a taste of what life will be like if she is single and on her own---lets see if her lover wants to take care of her and all her needs----again DO NOT BE NICE ABOUT THIS---SHE NEEDS A TOUCH OF REALITY---also tell her since she doesn't wanna be with you, and thinks so little of you---she can pack all her belongings and go be with her lover-----once you say and do the above------you go dark on your wife---do not argue, nor discuss anything with her----let her think/know---this is the way it will be, she doesn't want you---fine then tell her she can just move on without you, as you will do without her


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

TRy: I definitely wont call that POS anymore
the guy: I see her mindset and you didn't confuse me. Makes total sense. I continued to record her yesterday and I check the recorder last night. She tells him about all our issues, even after I called this POS the other day! She asks him to come save her!.....and asks him for advice about our marriage. This Shlt is almost comical! 
Machiavelli: I am 33 years old. Yeah, I'm sure my game is off. We are over.
jnjexpress: She actually agreed to pay half the bills. I give her the cold shoulder. I'm currently applying the 180. I'm not mad anymore, I just feel the size of an ant.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You will get better Continue with your plan for D. Find comfort knowing that you have a chance to rebuild your life without her and OM in your life. You cannot be happy in a marriage playing second fiddle to your spouse's love interest. 


Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I'm not sure if you mention this but Why did they break up since she describes him as such this great person?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

weird223 said:


> TRy: I definitely wont call that POS anymore
> the guy: I see her mindset and you didn't confuse me. Makes total sense. I continued to record her yesterday and I check the recorder last night. She tells him about all our issues, even after I called this POS the other day! She asks him to come save her!.....and asks him for advice about our marriage. This Shlt is almost comical!
> Machiavelli: I am 33 years old. Yeah, I'm sure my game is off. We are over.
> jnjexpress: She actually agreed to pay half the bills. I give her the cold shoulder. I'm currently applying the 180. I'm not mad anymore, I just feel the size of an ant.


I'm glad you've decided to move on. You should have no trouble attracting younger, hotter women without her quantity of baggage if you get your game up. Start getting into serious bodybuilding. You're looking for the Golden Ratio, which is triggers the female limbic sexual response. Keep the Sixteen Commandments. Check your attractiveness level (dating market value. Have fun and good luck.


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## weird223 (Apr 20, 2013)

WD: Thanks. 
Natural Heart: According to her, he use to physically abuse her and he was a serial cheater.
Machiavelli: Yeah, I'm moving on. It IS some beautiful honest women out there.. I've always been into working out. My max bench is 300. Thanks for the advice. 
Again, thanks guys for being there for me in this time of need. This forum is awesome!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Weird. Sorry this happened. 

What did the OM say to you? Question: were they totally done when you guys started dating? Was she married to/involved with him previously or he just was a fling who knocked her up?

Nonetheless: don't beg her to stay with you. When she turns it around saying there were issues before (and there probably were, every relationship has issues) just tell her: "That may be true HOWEVER you are still wrong for cheating. That is on you. And I will not tolerate a marriage with someone who is having an affair. I deserve better. "

End point. Decide what you want to do. If it's to stay, then she must cut ex off. If not, then move on. The hardest part about your situation is that if you reconcile, you will still have to deal with him forever since he's the father of her daughter. It's not like a normal situation where the OM is a stranger or something. He is always going to be a part of your lives as long as you are with her. 

DO NOT GROVEL. DO NOT BEG. Just let her know where you stand. She is either on board or isn't. Her choice. But you have one too.


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