# Need advice



## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Hello everyone. Never, ever thought I would be here in this web site. 
I trusted him blindly and completely. Until his lover of 4yrs texted me and told me she was sleeping with my husband. When I confronted him, he told me he had been dreading this moment for a long time and that she was no one he would ever leave me for, and, as if it would make me feel better, he told me that it was seeing her only for the sex, that he only used her. 
I told him to telephone her and tell her that she could have him, to come and pick him up because he would take nothing with him, nothing. He didn’t hesitate... he called right away but she didn’t answer. Then he texted her; ‘answer the phone you coward’ and she answered back “No, the time for talking was yesterday and you refused, now you just trying to set me up” She had called 42 times the day before but H never answered her calls. He went on to tell me that she had been blackmailing him. Every time he stayed away she would blackmailed him by saying that she was going to call me and tell me everything. He would call and visit only appeasing her, but I find that so difficult to believe that he would do that for 4 years!!!!! 
Strangely, I do know he loves me. 
I went through a difficult period in my life where I was so busy and so tired I neglected him terribly. He tells me it is no excuse and that he made a bad choice with the wrong woman, and when he did it he rationalized by thinking he was too young to live totally without sex. 
Mainly, he thought he could use this woman, have me and his family and keep it all apart and secret.
I have forgiven him and we are working hard to overcome all the damage we have both caused to this marriage. 

H has turned in all phone bills, e-mails and its passwords, all information pertaining to her and her apartment key, yes her apartment key. I don’t know what to do with that key. 
I want to go to her place of work and give it to her personally while I say ‘Your services are no longer needed’ I feel so negatively towards this person. That is what I want to do but at the moment I’m not thinking right. I would like to know what you think I should do. Thank you and thanks for listening.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Leave the OW alone. Your husband made a choice and he is to blame. Throw the key away.

You did nothing to make your husband cheat on you, nothing.

You are 1/2 to blame for any marriage issues up to the A, but you are not responsible for him cheating on you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

When you drop off her stuff, make sure you package up your husband and drop him off also. 4 YEARS!!! And he only went back because she was blackmailing him, OH, that's a good one.

When you drop him off, make sure you spin him around a couple of times, hopefully he'll forget where you live also.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

OMG Betty I am sorry you are here. 4 years??!! The best advice I can give you is not to make any decisions about anything right now. Give yourself time. It is on your time frame now. Agree w/Thorburn, leave OW be for now. (Soon you will need to have your H send a NC letter, if you decide to stay...)The marriage problems are both of you, but the affair is 100% him. 

It would not be wise to work on the marital issues till you deal with the affair, IMO. Why work on the marriage if he isn't 100% in? Marriages have a hard enough time with 2 people willing to be honest with each other. Evidently, he was not even meeting this standard. 

Take whatever time you need- and please take good care of yourself.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

I’m at a loss guys, I don’t know what to do next. I have asked him questions and he has answered all of them. I want so much to believe him. I know he is remorseful.
Thorburn, I have not made contact with OW. I just want to so badly and at times I am as if obsessed by her. Cheetinghubby, I know! It has been the most difficult part of this A, 4 years!!!! very difficult to swallow. 
Lostwifecrushed, how, how do I deal with the affair? We have had several lengthy talks about the A, questions that I have, but don’t know where to go next. Unfortunately, I still love him.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

BettyBoop said:


> I’m at a loss guys, I don’t know what to do next. I have asked him questions and he has answered all of them. I want so much to believe him. I know he is remorseful.
> Thorburn, I have not made contact with OW. I just want to so badly and at times I am as if obsessed by her. Cheetinghubby, I know! It has been the most difficult part of this A, 4 years!!!! very difficult to swallow.
> Lostwifecrushed, how, how do I deal with the affair? We have had several lengthy talks about the A, questions that I have, but don’t know where to go next. Unfortunately, I still love him.


I know. I still love my H too......

Don't forgive too quickly, no matter how badly you want to. Because the anger and/or resentment will ebb and flow.....

What I did was sleep in the library, and take care of myself. I let the hurt die down till I was ready to "talk"....but these talks were painful, and my H was still denying a lot.

How long ago did you find out? Had you been suspecting----or did it get revealed by "accident'?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Also, I started posting here. It helped to just talk to others. My DDay was 2 months ago.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Take some time alone and gather your thoughts.

Someone has a post here doing pros/cons of your marriage seeing if it is salvageable. Also, he has to be truly remorseful and showing it, not just saying it (actions speaks louder than words).

As to R, it's gonna be up to you, can you eat the pain and hurt by pushing it so some far corner of your heart and moving on with your husband? Can you still find happiness being with him?

Can you even touch him, knowing he's been with another woman without wanting to throw up? Can you forgive him enough to move on? Can you still see the 2 of you in 5 years or 10 years and see a happy couple together?

There are alot more questions than these but it's questions that you must be able to answer truthfully.

So, get yourself together 1st and then start going over if you even want to have your husband back at this point. You're too emotional to make a decision at the moment.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A few considerations :

The man you love is the man you married , not your husband. The man he is now is very capable of lying to you and has done so for 4 years.
Send him in for an STD test and have one yourself.
Your husband is gas lighting her and blameshifting.
Don't be fooled by your husband , he more than likely told her he loves her , made up stories about you and implied your marriage is bad. 
They would have discussed their future together and it is likely she got tired of his promises to leave you and is now hoping to break you up.

The only person to blame here is your husband. 

After a four year affair I suspect when things have calmed down between them they will take it underground.
There is a process to follow read the newbie thread, call his and your parsons and tell them of the affair . Expose the affair to her family (I am assuming she is a single OW) and friends.

If there is one rule to follow: it is , do not believe a word hat come out of your husbands mouth.

As hard as this sounds you have to park the emotions you are going through and follow a hard line, you have been used , lied to and your marriage is a sham. Go see a lawyer and understand you rights. Ask your husband any question you choose , what gifts he gave her and she him, where they had sex, who paid for the dinners , hotels,etc. even when he gives you answers k ow he is withholding the whole truth.

If you choose to reconcile I suggest you have your husband take a polygraph, for any recovery to happen you want him to evidence his changes.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If the OW is married, expose it to her husband. However, I assume she's not, since your husband had his own key to her place. If she is single, just leave her alone. She didn't take any vows to honor and cherish you.

It's good that your husband is acting remorseful. There are many stories of disloyal spouses who refuse to show any remorse. However, it's too early to tell whether the remorse is genuine. You just need to verify that his actions are consistent with his words. It's good that you have his passwords. However, put a keylogger on the computer to verify that he hasn't created a new email account for affair correspondence. Also, you could put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of his car. This would catch him if he bought a prepaid phone to use for communicating with the OW. However, since the OW contacted you, they seem to have had a falling out. I would be much more nervous if someone else had exposed them.

It's also good that you recognize your role in the problems in your marriage. No, you're not to blame for the affair. But, you did make mistakes that made your husband more likely to make the bad decisions that he made.

Just concentrate on strengthening your marriage and you may be able to make it through this.

Good luck.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Oh, he was away from OW and that is why she told you about the A. Otherwise, he had no intention of telling you.

I think you have forgiven him very quickly. He was not remorseful? No reaction from you for his affair?

If she is blackmailing him, can cops be called in?

Too early to take a call on this. Many info absent.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Be ready to drop him if he does not evidence on every way his commitment to you. He has had the drug of the affair in him for a long time, the script says when it becomes hard work to show his commitment he will wander back or start fishing to see if the OW is still interested. 

Why do I say expose the affair to her family and friends ? I suspect your husband would have met them , may have pretended he was seperated or single or they have a total disregard for your marriage. Whatever they know or don't know it is important the OW is not given a free pass to come back and damage your marriage even further. 

Do not discuss the exposure with your husband. 

To help drive the OW off , have your husband hand write a no contact letter in your presence and in your case I suggest extra words are added where he says if she contacts him or you again he will take legal action against her . Make a copy thereof and you post it such that she has to sign for delivery. Send a copy to her parents and his.

These are a few of the steps to take to secure yourself even if you have not yet decided to R or D. Read the following link there is a lot of good information that can help you.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

and don't accept any responsibility for the affair , nor allow him to blameshifting in any way , he chose to cheat not you. 

Get yourself a VAR and carry it on you . These are early days and your going to go on a rollercoaster , visit a doctor and ask for support . Find a trusted friend or family memeber to talk to . MC at this stage is waste of time until your husband has evidenced his commitment to you. I do however suggest you go to Individual counselling .

Be very prepared for him leaving and running back to the OW . This is her game plan.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nadine (Mar 28, 2012)

4 yrs!!! and where were you all this while?!! you were so ignorant towards him and your life together or was he so smartly able to keep you from gettin to know? how can u forgive the man whom you've loved and devoted yourself over the years while all he has been doin is driving you towards heartbreak city and you are unawares..
wen he dint flinch a bit, you shouldn't too.. gather all your courage and send him packin to hell. i know you love him and its gonna be real tough for you to take this step but you need to get rid of him and his filth out of your life..
dont you think life could possibly much more beautiful without him now that his true picture is in front of you clearly? take action and take fast before he is successful in cunningly makin way back into your heart and life
good luck mate :smthumbup:


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

I thank you all for your willingness to help. I’m going to try to give you as much info as I can, but forgive me because my thoughts are not very organized right now. 
You have no idea how unprepared I am for this tragedy in my life. I never suspected anything. He was NEVER gone, came home on time etc. Never saw any other signs but maybe I was/am just very ignorant. I found out of the affair 17days ago when his lover texted me and told me she had been sleeping with my husband. When I read it I thought it was a prank. I went and asked who that person was and the color left his face. He said “I have been dreading this moment for a long time. She is a crazy woman, who I would never leave you for.” 
Later, I asked him why he was so willing and so ready for the opportunity to call. This is when I first found out and told him to call her to inform her that she could have him and to come and pick him up. He said he called her to tell her off in front of me. The secret he had tried to keep from me for so long was out anyway, because he was trying to protect me from being hurt. I did see a sense of relief in him and I thought he was happy to see me in such pain. His story is he was going to let her have it in front of me but she didn’t answer the phone, she only answered to the text ‘answer the phone you coward’ her response was ‘you just trying to set me up, the time for talking was yesterday’. 

He is showing genuine remorse and can’t do enough for me. It is difficult to touch him knowing he’s been with another woman. 
I am, as many of you say forgiving him too soon. He claims that if I leave him he would never go back to her as it is her plan. He says that she would threaten him that if he ever stopped seeing her that he would regret it for the rest of his life. That if he wanted to know what trouble and pain was for him and his family to go ahead and leave. He says she has anger issues and calling her every day would appease her and also kept him from going over to her place as much. He told her we live as brother and sister that she was the only one he had sex with, and she would always make inquiries ‘Have you been having sex with Betty, you’ve better not having sex with your wife, and he would always reaffirm that we weren’t. When I asked him why so long he said that for the first year the sex was very satisfying but he had no feelings for her, for that one year they meet off and on for the sex. Until she started to, as he says, ‘turn things around’ wanting more and more. Then the threats started but still that leaves 3 yrs of that.
She called my daughter at her place of work and told her that she was someone from church and would like to get in touch with me. My daughter unaware of the situation gladly gave her my number. After she sent me the text and I saved her to my contacts I found out that she had been calling me for a while but since I didn’t recognized the number I only answered once and she told me she had dialed the wrong number. 
She is a 3 times divorcé. Her kids want nothing to do with her and she wants nothing to do with her kids. My H knew her brother but he was killed in a work related accident. I can get in touch with her family if I wanted to but I would feel like a pig in the mud right next to her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It is way to early for you to say your husband is showing true remorse. From hard experience a four year affair involves the L word, please don't fool yourself that he is being honest with you and stop trying to find reasons to see him in a better light. As for exposing her , this sets the record straight , I assure you your husband has said a lot more that your living as brother and sister, it is very likely he promised to leave you and marry her.When exposing the affair to her family,use the words from the template in the newbie thread , the words are neutral and none threatening. As said before it undoes the lies they have both been spinning about you.

To gain more clarity of your situation read the book "his needs, her needs" by W Harley.

At the moment your instinct is to ignore the advice as it sounds counter productive , its not and is the combined experience of countless affairs.

BTW : the term we use for the OW in your case is bunnie boiler.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry you are in a very bad turmoil. Go and see your doctor.
There is a link for newbies. Please take time to read it and re-read several times.
First take care of yourself.


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

Just finished reading 'newbie' How exhausting it is to see in black and white all I am doing wrong, because this newbie post relates to me 99%. Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, I do not know at this point what to do, it is very scary to lose him and yet he’s been gone for a very long time. I need to read this over and over however tiring it is and face my predicament. Should I ask him to leave? Should I let him stay and talk more and work on this problem? Can I live without him? Can I live with him? Can he live without her?

I need strength, my friends are taking me out to celebrate my birthday.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Go to the doctor as soon as you can, explain the situation and stress your under.

Write down some notes for yourself , take the input from the newbie thread and what we have posted to you. Create a plan with steps to follow , secure the document as it is for your eyes only.
A first set of tasks is the NC letter, close down all avenues of communication he has used with her, buy a VAR hide it in his car and monitor to verify he is staying true to NC , get legal advice for yourself. 

Do not discuss your plan with your husband. Give him the book " his need, her needs" to read and read it yourself.

Make no commitments or big decisions. 

Gentle steps , your emotional stability is paramount as you are yet to hit the next stages of anger , confusion etc .

Eat well , exercise and rest .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

BettyBoop said:


> Just finished reading 'newbie' How exhausting it is to see in black and white all I am doing wrong, because this newbie post relates to me 99%. Oh my gawd, oh my gawd, I do not know at this point what to do, it is very scary to lose him and yet he’s been gone for a very long time. I need to read this over and over however tiring it is and face my predicament. Should I ask him to leave? Should I let him stay and talk more and work on this problem? Can I live without him? Can I live with him? Can he live without her?
> 
> I need strength, my friends are taking me out to celebrate my birthday.


Answers to these questions you have will come later within you. For the present, focus on yourself and your emotional recovery, physical wellness.


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