# Anyone ever had a lazy lover improve



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a number of posts here from people who's lovers are for lack of a better word "lazy". These people will not do foreplay, or oral, or various other things that their partners desire, but will still expect to be pleased in return.

Has anyone successfully improve this situation - turned a lazy lover into a giving passionate one? (other than by leaving and finding someone new).


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Starfish starfish in my bed, please roll over and give me head. 

Me personally? No. I divorced him after 10 years of trying. 


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This is a good thread because I have not heard a success story but if there is one, I'd love to. 

I'd also want to know if the partner was always lazy or became lazy somewhere down the line because I think there's more hope if you got complacent vs. just lazy.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh and no. 10 years of trying, books, videos, giving, going on strike, begging, etc. You name it, I tried it. 

Never any significant changes.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In my case, my wife was always selfish, never changed. (so no "blame" to her, it wasn't a bait and switch).


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Nope not here either in fact she told me she had no intention of changing

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## TheMoon (Feb 3, 2016)

Sort of.
I don't know for sure what helped. I think it was a combo. I pushed enough lifestyle changes over the years that I think his test levels went up just enough to not find girls and sex icky. The other factor was me not caring anymore. Once I no longer needed any validation via sex, it was easier since it wasn't rife with emotion. It created a lighter vibe, so to speak.
So now, instead of sex being an F it is more like a C+ since he seems to want it every week and even cares if I enjoy it. He didnt before.
So, probably not the example you're looking for since he didn't go from F to A. More like blech to meh.


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## jaumeat (Jun 4, 2017)

uhtred said:


> There are a number of posts here from people who's lovers are for lack of a better word "lazy". These people will not do foreplay, or oral, or various other things that their partners desire, but will still expect to be pleased in return.
> 
> Has anyone successfully improve this situation - turned a lazy lover into a giving passionate one? (other than by leaving and finding someone new).


If always has been like this it's harder to change. Some ppl just hate oral. If it happened after sometime being together could be lack of motivation or attraction.

The key here is to express clearly your needs and how important is this for you, and that this has to change or other way you cannot see a future with him/her.

If that person cares about your needs will do an effort, if not then you know.

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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jaumeat said:


> If that person cares about your needs will do an effort, if not then you know.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


This is where it got tricky for me because it wasn't good enough for me. If he tried and made an effort for me (mostly to stop the fighting or stop me from leaving) I didn't want it. 

I wanted him to WANT to. 

It was the most frustrating part because I could ask and ask for something and then when he was finally willing to do it, I didn't enjoy it. I needed the desire. I needed him to want it as much as I did. 

He used to just roll his eyes and tell me I'll never be happy and all I wanted to do was b*tch. 
Now that I have what I was looking for, it was really what I needed. It was a night and day difference.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes but not without a serious consequence if it didn't change and willingness to follow through.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I suppose it is possible to teach a cat to bark, but the odds are not good. The two best options would be learning to appreciate meowing or trading the cat for a dog.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No, I have never turned a lazy lover into a giving, passionate one. 

He wasn't a giving, passionate lover because he either didn't have those feelings for me, or because his "emotional brokenness" (which presented other general relationship problems) kept him from letting himself be totally sexually connected...or a combination of both.

I think if someone has it in them to be your giving, passionate lover, then they just are. Unless you have treated them poorly and they have withdrawn due to your poor treatment.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What consequences? Did they actually become a good lover, or did they just perform the acts you wanted in order to prevent those consequences? 




Wolf1974 said:


> Yes but not without a serious consequence if it didn't change and willingness to follow through.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Yes! But the reality was my 'lazy' lover turned out to be simply not confident. Rather than dealing with his lack of confidence he found it easier to not bother - it was all too emotionally risky. 

I have worked really hard to increase his confidence which basically equates to me showing him my sexual pleasure in an overt way. Being able to give me multiples using a vibe was a huge turning point. Me doing stand alone acts made him feel sexually attractive and loved. Me wooing him in a fairly dominating way made him think differently about his sexual attraction. We also became very comfortable talking about sex which often led to interesting conversations about the RIGHT things we do for each other - which I guess we had taken for granted. I had no idea he needed to hear - "you are very, very good at...." or "I love it when you do....". One thing that I said which I could see pleased him was "We fit perfectly" (referring to our penis/vagina). 

My H is a very typically masculine person, bottles things up, does not do vulnerability, stiff upper-lip. We needed to be open with each other about what we do to provide sexual fulfillment which involves being vulnerable and trusting. I then noticed that he would guide me, giving me verbal communication about what I do right and what he loves about me and my body, or what he would like us to do. THIS is what I have been striving for since I first came to TAM. For him to be proactive in spicing things up and not solely rely on me to keep things going. 

It has taken literally years.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

No. Never happened for me. If they are having lazy sex, either they aren't into sex, aren't into you, or have personal issues that aren't likely to resolve.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

uhtred said:


> What consequences? Did they actually become a good lover, or did they just perform the acts you wanted in order to prevent those consequences?


It wasn't acts it was more reciprocal attention. The consequences were laid out on what was ok and not ok for me in the relationship. 

Hard to say if she became a good lover cause of that or just prevention but either way 4 years later and she is be best lover I have had so what's the difference?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'd say the odds of turning a lazy lover around are slim to none. Just my IMO.

My ex wife started out as a lazy lover, as I recall. She didn't have a lot of experience at that time, and essentially didn't know all the ins and outs of sex. Not sure if I can qualify her as "lazy", per se, just generally unsure of what to do. We learned together, and we probably squeaked out a couple of years of pretty decent sex.

As time went by, she became complacent, and she started to "starfish" a lot. Most of the time, actually. Maybe once a month she put forth an effort, otherwise sex was really for her benefit. She'd even initiate it half the time, but then just lay there and have me do all the work. :/ 

But the reality was that there was little or no emotional connection with me, thus the desire to please me, or make a big deal out of sex simply wasn't there. It was, quite literally, never for my benefit after a certain (very early) point in our relationship. So it was odd, in that the starfish sex was not for me, but for _her_. Usually that kind of sex is _for_ that person, not the other way around. To be blunt, she wanted a **** inside her, and that was it. Save for that once a month or so where she'd participate.

I agree with the others who say it's about emotional connection (or a lack of) rather than a purely sexual one. Not in all cases, mind you, but probably most, IMO.

My current wife, by contrast, does not have the drive my ex wife did, however she participates fully each and every time. We DO have an emotional connection to each other, and that makes the difference, IMO.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing well. If I ask (or tell) my kids to do something, like mow the lawn, they'll usually do a half-ass job of it - because they don't care. They don't want to mow the lawn (obviously) and don't care how it turns out. Thus, minimal effort. They "did" the job, but... When my wife or I mow the lawn (something we don't particularly want to do, either) we do a good job of it, because we care.

To some people, simply doing the job, even poorly, is satisfactory.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

My wife has a pretty low drive (almost non existent) in general and when she is willing, it's almost always a very "vanilla" position. This got a lot worse after the wedding too, almost to the point where it felt like a bait and switch. With her, I don't think it's laziness as much as the Catholic upbringing. She just never got into trying anything new or exciting (and she's even said in the past that sex is really a low priority for her anyway, since we're probably done having kids). Occasionally, I'll try to gently push her into trying something new, but she just doesn't like moving out of her comfort zone. Perfect illustration is oral. Seems pretty run of the mill, right? She adamantly refuses to receive it and only gives it on special occasions like my birthday or X-mas...(if I'm lucky).


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

peacem said:


> Yes! *But the reality was my 'lazy' lover turned out to be simply not confident*. Rather than dealing with his lack of confidence he found it easier to not bother - it was all too emotionally risky.
> 
> I have worked really hard to increase his confidence which basically equates to me showing him my sexual pleasure in an overt way. Being able to give me multiples using a vibe was a huge turning point. Me doing stand alone acts made him feel sexually attractive and loved. Me wooing him in a fairly dominating way made him think differently about his sexual attraction. We also became very comfortable talking about sex which often led to interesting conversations about the RIGHT things we do for each other - which I guess we had taken for granted. I had no idea he needed to hear - "you are very, very good at...." or "I love it when you do....". One thing that I said which I could see pleased him was "We fit perfectly" (referring to our penis/vagina).
> 
> ...


THIS is a great SUCCESS story peacem. Good for you for having the patience and confidence to get there with your husband. This is exactly why I came to TAM too.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> I suppose it is possible to teach a cat to bark, but the odds are not good. The two best options would be learning to appreciate meowing or trading the cat for a dog.


I like this analogy, especially coming from someone with the screen name of @zookeeper!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have had good, passionate lovers turn complacent and then disconnected right before they dumped me for someone else (and I assume they were passionate and engaged with them after they had left me)

And I have had hot, passionate, porno sex become a little more routine over a long period if time.

But no, I have never had lackluster sex at the beginning of a relationship ever become good. 

One time I even continued dating a gal a couple years because everything else about her and everything else about the relationship was good. I just simply couldn't ever get past the lack of sexual compatibility.

And the clincher was I can't really even accuse her of being lazy. She would try and she would make an attempt to follow my lead and suggestions - she just wasn't any good at anything. We just didn't click and I am pretty sure she'd say the say about me.

I have been with enough people over the years that I believe that some couples are so out of sinc and so incompatible sexually that nothing can make them have good sex.

And I believe some people are just simply bottom feeders in bed and are simply poor performers. And some are so inhibited and so uptight from religious upbringing or CSA that nothing can make them passionate lovers.

And some people are just selfish. Entitled A-holes and crappy people and nothing will make them engaging and skillful and giving lovers.

I will give a little leeway for first time jitters and learning the likes and dislikes of someone new for a few times. But if someone if the sex is still lackluster or awkward and inhibited after a few times, that's all need to know and no reason to keep test driving or keep hoping things straighten out.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

With enough creativity and energy on behalf of the HD it is possible to find ways to make things really exciting, even if it is just one person doing all the work! Even better if the lazy lover can't quite hang on during all the excitement as it creates spontaneous situations and positions!


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