# What does sex mean to men?



## jidanon

My wife and I, in an otherwise happy marriage, have a pathetic excuse for a sex life. We've been married for 7 years this August, meaning we've fought about this for roughly 6 1/2 years. We went through a hard time and separated for about 3 weeks, but the past year and a half has probably been the best part of our marriage, hands down. We get along for the most part, care about each other's feelings, and so on.

However, sex is something we still can't agree on. Tonight I got angry because she got in one of her sex-bad-moods - meaning as soon as I wanted to have sex, she got in a bad mood. 9 times out of 10 she will try to argue against having sex, but 9 times out of 10 she will still do it. This is a positive change she has made as a result of our many fights about it. However, she still believes to this day that sex is nothing more than physical. There is no emotion or meaning to sex. The purpose is to get a "release" and nothing more. She actually said tonight "Why do you care if I get off? What does it matter? I have sex with you because its what you want." That hurt. I feel like as my wife, she should want to have sex with me, just like I want to have sex with her. I have asked her, pleaded with her, to try and put herself in my shoes - imagine if I never showed interest in sex with her again, and when she wanted to I said it was just for her to get off, and I wasn't interested. She of course can't put herself in my shoes, or see why that would be painful, because its "just sex." I asked her if she would feel attractive if I never wanted to put my hands on her again. She has no response for those types of questions, half because I really don't think she wants to think about it, half because when I'm saying those things we are in the heat of the battle so she thinks I'm just being dramatic. She said multiple times tonight that I was just being dramatic. That, again, hurt. Even 30 minutes into the ... discussion ... she thinks I'm just saying things that will get me laid more. She can't see that I'm not just a caveman who wants to have an orgasm. I told her that there are feelings involved - that I, as a male, want to feel wanted. I am not a cheater. Never have been, never will be. If sex were nothing more than a physical action to me, considering I'm not getting it at home in a manner that makes me feel "wanted," I would cheat. That alone should tell her that sex means more to me than "getting off." Of course, that's not a great argument because there are obviously morals in place that would make a man not cheat on his wife no matter the situation, but hopefully those reading this understand my point.

As mentioned earlier, she made the point that ever since we got back from our separation and everything has been going well, she almost always agrees to sex. I rarely get turned down. For that, I'm thankful. But at the same time, I prefer quantity over quality. Further proof that sex is nothing more than a physical act for her is that she could never get off to regular, passionate sex. We have to get very rough and kinky in order for her to be interested. Sometimes I would like to take it slow, look her in the eye, kiss, "whisper sweet nothings," and all that other jazz....but, I know that's not in the cards and she will just be thinking about how she can't wait for this to be over with.

Before it's suggested - no, my wife is not cheating. When I'm at work, she's at work - when she's not at work, she's at school, or watching our 4 year old. I don't believe this is a matter of her having her needs fullfilled somewhere else. The sad reality is, I've started to believe her that to her, sex is a meaningless physical act that humans do.


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## chillymorn

sounds like maybe some abuse to her and she disconnected from sex. could she have been sexually abused at some time?


just a thought.


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## LovesHerMan

Was she always like this? What was your sex life like when you were dating? Does she harbor any resentments toward you? Does she know how her body works?

She may not understand the male sex drive. I wonder if she would take a look at this website:

Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs - Focus on the Family

It comes from a religious perspective, but it is a good explanation to women of how men need sex to connect emotionally to their wives.


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## Enchantment

jidanon said:


> The sad reality is, I've started to believe her that to her, sex is a meaningless physical act that humans do.


Yep, sounds like it. There are people, men and women both, who have this idea, unfortunately.

So, what do you think is meaningful to her in the way that sex is meaningful to you? Just wondering if she feels like she's getting her emotional needs met, or whether she's really resentful of other things going on (or not going on) in your marriage.

Have you two ever had a good sexual relationship?

What was her previous sexual history like?

And, I think that pleading and continuously fighting about it is counter-productive. She's heard you. She chooses not to engage - maybe she isn't capable of that at this point, who knows.

What do you do to keep yourself busy and active?

What do you do to let her know you care about her and love her?

What other things does she do to let you know that she cares about and loves you?

It's something that she's come back and is willing, though it sounds like it's grudgingly, after your separation. But, it seems that maybe more than sex is involved here. What's your relationship like outside of the sexual?

Best wishes.


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## FirstYearDown

Sex is acceptance and love for men, when it comes to marriage.

Constantly rejecting a husband screams: "I don't love you or accept you!"


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## accept

I have similar problems. She looks at it as a chore to get it over with. Talking pleading wont help. I suppose part of it is that she doesnt look 'up' to you. Youre no different than the dog. Part of the furniture. Somehow you have to change that. She has to feel that you are there and cant she cant be without you. Meaning she really needs you. Best explaining and emphasizing what you do for her.


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## Runs like Dog

Perhaps your wife needs some hard kink and doesn't know to ask for it. Some people perceive love as power not respect, domination not cooperation. Have you ever considered your wife is a sexual masochist and is looking for BDSM?


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## Pixie

How experimental are you both? Do you masturbate? Does she masturbate? Would she watch you if you asked her? Is she your only release? How often is loving affection & tenderness given without an expectation of sex? (women can sense an expectation a mile off, maybe even before you realize it) or just without sex full stop.... An idea.... Try banning all sexual activity between you for a certain period of time.... Give it, say 3 months..... No cheating, no manipulation, no giving in.. For 3 months... Talk about it first," we are both feeling uncomfortable, let's do an experiment... Are you willing to try this with me? " You look after your needs and she looks after hers.... But lots and lots of cuddles, kisses & tender touching... Let her know... By your actions, not words, that you love her & admire her without any sex (I'm assuming this to be the case)...., this may seem crazy, but it will give her some time to feel safe accepting affection without any expectation from you, which in turn releases her feelings of responsibility for your pleasure.... Note, you may not necessarily be handing her the responsibility... Women can tend to assume it, especially if there are deep seated issues regarding self pleasure... Try it & see what changes, and within the three months, take her dancing  oh! And don't jump on her the second the time is up, go slowly, but the chances are ... If she hasn't tried to initiated before 3 months... By 3 months & 3 days she'll be asking you why you didn't jump on her 3 days ago! .... Just an idea.. Take it or leave it.. I wish you well either way 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020

What happens when you just "take her" in an aggressive way? Does she like that? Sounds like she does not like "gentle". 




jidanon said:


> My wife and I, in an otherwise happy marriage, have a pathetic excuse for a sex life. We've been married for 7 years this August, meaning we've fought about this for roughly 6 1/2 years. We went through a hard time and separated for about 3 weeks, but the past year and a half has probably been the best part of our marriage, hands down. We get along for the most part, care about each other's feelings, and so on.
> 
> However, sex is something we still can't agree on. Tonight I got angry because she got in one of her sex-bad-moods - meaning as soon as I wanted to have sex, she got in a bad mood. 9 times out of 10 she will try to argue against having sex, but 9 times out of 10 she will still do it. This is a positive change she has made as a result of our many fights about it. However, she still believes to this day that sex is nothing more than physical. There is no emotion or meaning to sex. The purpose is to get a "release" and nothing more. She actually said tonight "Why do you care if I get off? What does it matter? I have sex with you because its what you want." That hurt. I feel like as my wife, she should want to have sex with me, just like I want to have sex with her. I have asked her, pleaded with her, to try and put herself in my shoes - imagine if I never showed interest in sex with her again, and when she wanted to I said it was just for her to get off, and I wasn't interested. She of course can't put herself in my shoes, or see why that would be painful, because its "just sex." I asked her if she would feel attractive if I never wanted to put my hands on her again. She has no response for those types of questions, half because I really don't think she wants to think about it, half because when I'm saying those things we are in the heat of the battle so she thinks I'm just being dramatic. She said multiple times tonight that I was just being dramatic. That, again, hurt. Even 30 minutes into the ... discussion ... she thinks I'm just saying things that will get me laid more. She can't see that I'm not just a caveman who wants to have an orgasm. I told her that there are feelings involved - that I, as a male, want to feel wanted. I am not a cheater. Never have been, never will be. If sex were nothing more than a physical action to me, considering I'm not getting it at home in a manner that makes me feel "wanted," I would cheat. That alone should tell her that sex means more to me than "getting off." Of course, that's not a great argument because there are obviously morals in place that would make a man not cheat on his wife no matter the situation, but hopefully those reading this understand my point.
> 
> As mentioned earlier, she made the point that ever since we got back from our separation and everything has been going well, she almost always agrees to sex. I rarely get turned down. For that, I'm thankful. But at the same time, I prefer quantity over quality. Further proof that sex is nothing more than a physical act for her is that she could never get off to regular, passionate sex. We have to get very rough and kinky in order for her to be interested. Sometimes I would like to take it slow, look her in the eye, kiss, "whisper sweet nothings," and all that other jazz....but, I know that's not in the cards and she will just be thinking about how she can't wait for this to be over with.
> 
> Before it's suggested - no, my wife is not cheating. When I'm at work, she's at work - when she's not at work, she's at school, or watching our 4 year old. I don't believe this is a matter of her having her needs fullfilled somewhere else. The sad reality is, I've started to believe her that to her, sex is a meaningless physical act that humans do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSoul1982

Giggity.


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## Mavash.

What's she's really saying is your needs don't matter. 

It would be like me telling my husband I have a need for him to have a job and he works at McDonalds for minimum wage then remarks to me "it's a job isn't it?"

She is a lazy woman who is trying to see what's the least amount of effort she can put forth and still keep you.


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## romantic_guy

Here are links to two articles that answer this:
The Dennis Prager Show

The Dennis Prager Show


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## ocotillo

jidanon said:


> The sad reality is, I've started to believe her that to her, sex is a meaningless physical act that humans do.


If we wanted to look at things in the meanest possible terms, the exact same thing could be said about a good massage, or a skillfully prepared meal, or even a thoughtful gift.

It's the act of love behind the physical act that is the point.


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## Hicks

Women don't put the premium on sex that men do. This is because as a man, you wanted to bed every woman you ever saw. As a woman, every man she ever met wanted to bed her. You are not differentitating yourself as special by asking her for sex, while the woman who agrees to have sex with a man makes him feel special.

You do need to explain to her with ever increasing forcefullness that her actions are wrong.


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## Runs like Dog

It's an end from a means instead of a means to an end.


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## gonefishin

Jidanon

Here is your problem. You said you prefer quantity over quality. Improve the quality and maybe your wife will enjoy it more. You are right it is much more than a physical act. If your wife is not connecting on an emotional level then something else is wrong with her or the marriage.


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## sinnister

And when you're supressed natural urge for sex manifests itself in a way where you can no longer continue to be rejected you will be villified for whatever outlet you choose.

Welcome to hell.


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## Runs like Dog

I forget.


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## proudwidaddy

For me sex with my stbxw was never just physical, even when we had passionate drunk sex there was still always an emotional connection. That is what hurts because now that we are going through a divorce (by her choice) she reminds me that I will have sex again in the future with someone else. I tried to tell her that it's not just the sex, it was always the emotional connection I felt with her as well. We were together for 11 years, of course it was going to be emotional as well. I think about the future, and I don't think I could be one of those guys that has a one night stand, I just think it would mess me up too much.


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## cloudwithleggs

sinnister said:


> And when you're supressed natural urge for sex manifests itself in a way where you can no longer continue to be rejected you will be villified for whatever outlet you choose.
> 
> Welcome to hell.


No you just leave and go to heaven.

I feel sad for the OP, they sound totally sexually incompatible.


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## Schill

I'm in a similar situation, but I just gave up all together. If she wants sex, she can come to me from now on. Probably not the best thing to do, but short term, it did have some affect. "why dont you want to have sex anymore.. " me: "dont really feel like it I guess" When you do ask, and she says no.. most guys freak out, get pissy.. hence the bad mood your wife is when you ask her. Think about times in your day/week where you could have made a few minutes for sex. Don't ask, just initiate it. If she says no or rejects, just say okay another time and go about your business. If you dwell on it, she'll know.

We have a dog who barks his head off every time there is physical contact with anybody. He'll bark even when my wife starts to take her pants off to change or even goto bed.


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## Stir Crazy

As a woman who has been in this situation where I didn't want sex at all with my previous partner (of many years) I can tell you it was because of two things: 1. He was selfish and bad in bed. 2. I felt that little else in our relationship was functioning well. 

That you wrote this that your wife said to you "Why do you care if I get off? What does it matter?" leads me to believe she thinks you DO NOT CARE if she gets off or not, in which case you have now been placed in the first category of being bad/selfish in bed in her mind. You could be in the second one as well, don't know though based on what you wrote. 

My former partner would always accuse me of being frigid, that I hated sex and so on... the truth was I grew to hate sex WITH HIM. It wasn't always this way. The more selfish he became in and out of bed, the less I wanted it to the point I would come up with any excuse I could find to avoid it. That is no way to live though.

I love sex, truly crave it. I am not uptight or ashamed of my body or anything of the sort, so it isn't that I am some less than interested woman in having sex. It is that I have to feel good about the relationship as a whole if I'm going to be feel truly enthusiastic about sex. Then I let loose and have some serious fun.  Fortunately I am now with someone who gets that.


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## Jeff74

My opinion is to not worry about it. She is not going to change after all this time but you can have sex pretty much whenever you want. 
My wife and I never have sex (once in the past 7 months or so I think) so I would love to be in your shoes! It's just a matter of perspective I guess. Enjoy the sex when you have it and stop worrying about how to change someone. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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