# Comfortable and Lonely



## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

That probably sounds like a strange title!  I live in a lovely place with my children who I love more than anything in the world. I have been lonely in the marriage for years, for reasons which I tried to resolve but couldn't. Life is good really, I'm not lonely with my Mum around but I fear she may not be with me for more than a couple more years. The children will grow up and I'm imagining being over 50 and feeling like it's too late to start looking for someone else (I'm already in my mid-forties). Seems like I can't find love without leaving the home and destroying the children's family security. The marriage isn't unbearable, just lonely (we're on very good terms). Not sure what my relationship with my husband and his family would be like after separation. Trying to think of ways to meet the right kind of people while mainly at home caring for my mother and children, who are still quite young.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Let me ease your mind. I live in a 55+ year and older community of over 150,000 people. People are finding love and getting married all the time around here. In fact, most find their second marriages much better because they are mature, know what they want and are not marrying to have kids like their friends or because they are pregnant. They marry for companionship and love. I overheard a group of single women in the pool when I first moved here. They were talking about what they look for in a guy. At the top of their list was a good sense of humor. They said life is short and they rather live with someone who makes them laugh each day. At our age looks fade and we know what we want from a mate. We want a companion, love, someone who will be by our side through the ravages of old age. It may not be pretty or convenient at times but it is damn good to know you have someone who loves you and can make you laugh by your side.

You have the best years of your life ahead of you. This place is for active adults. There are over 2,000 activities with 1,000 active every day. There is free entertainment nightly in our three town squares with lots of dancing going on. It is a very social place with lots of support as you get older. There are a lot of widows and widowers living here looking for love again.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

LittleMissBusy said:


> That probably sounds like a strange title!  I live in a lovely place with my children who I love more than anything in the world. I have been lonely in the marriage for years, for reasons which I tried to resolve but couldn't. Life is good really, I'm not lonely with my Mum around but I fear she may not be with me for more than a couple more years. The children will grow up and I'm imagining being over 50 and feeling like it's too late to start looking for someone else (I'm already in my mid-forties). Seems like I can't find love without leaving the home and destroying the children's family security. The marriage isn't unbearable, just lonely (we're on very good terms). Not sure what my relationship with my husband and his family would be like after separation. Trying to think of ways to meet the right kind of people while mainly at home caring for my mother and children, who are still quite young.


I am sure you will find what you are looking for - after the kids have flown the nest. My mum found love in her 50s and 60s. It's just a question of waiting and when the time is right telling your husband you want to move on.

Cant you tell him you are not happy now? If he is prepared to leave the home you would be free.


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Do you have friends?


I used to meet friends in the city but too busy now. Maybe should invite people here - the children need a variety of different friends. I live in a touristic place but would like to also spend time in the UK. Feel a bit isolated in a different culture.


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

Thanks! Just the optimism I need right now. So true that you have the right priorities when you're older.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

?


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

Thanks again for the reassurance. I think you need to meet lots of people in order to find a soul mate and I'm not meeting new people mainly because of living in a village in a different culture and family commitments. I do occasionally meet people online. I would have to get to know someone very well before I could consider another relationship. Friendships are my main priority at the moment.


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

Yes, sorry, I meant the children also need to meet new people of all ages, too. I love spending time with them and feel like they're growing up too quickly but I need to balance this with my own social life. Caring for my Mum is a full-time job at the moment so I'm limited re. social activities. I live in Turkey and speak the language but the culture is very different although they are nice people.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> At our age looks fade and we know what we want from a mate. We want a companion, love, someone who will be by our side through the ravages of old age. It may not be pretty or convenient at times but it is damn good to know you have someone who loves you and can make you laugh by your side.


:iagree:

Wise thinking at any age.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

"I live in Turkey and speak the language but the culture is very different although they are nice people."

Seems that you are a British/Western woman who has married a Turkish man and you live in Turkey - get on well with your husband but he is not ultimately the man to make you happy and you want to meet your soul mate. Would prefer to live in th UK. No doubt your husband would be opposed to you moving to the UK with the kids and he would also probably not like the idea of you yearning for a soul mate while married to him and raising his children with you.

If you want to find a soul make - that is not going to be too easy living in Turkey.

Your mum lives there with you but is old/unwell and could die in the near future. This event could compound your lonliness.

"life is good really"

I doubt that, from what you have said and the circumstances you state. I have no doubt that Turks are lovely people - but their mindset and culture is utterly different from western - they are also headed towards dictatorship and I would question whether this is a good country to bring up your children. But that is your choice.

I would advise you to try and get out of this cold marriage and alien culture. Bring your children and mum to the UK - you will be much happier and you can find someone who really values and loves you.


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Wise thinking at any age.


I agree, too! Love your quote!


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Wow. This adds a whole new complexity?
> 
> Are you Western but your spouse is not? Or are you Western living in Turkey.
> 
> Btw, I love the UK. Hope to visit again this year.


Yes, I'm British and my husband is Turkish. He's very open and well-educated, not sure if our problems are to do with culture differences. I could have had the same problems (or worse) with someone from any culture. I get on well with the in-laws and they help out a lot. There is always someone there if I need them. I could jeopardise this by separating and certainly by moving out of the country where I wouldn't have family to support me. I have relatives on my side of the family but they don't live in England any more. Hope you enjoy your travels in the UK!


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## LittleMissBusy (Apr 28, 2017)

MrRight said:


> "I live in Turkey and speak the language but the culture is very different although they are nice people."
> 
> Seems that you are a British/Western woman who has married a Turkish man and you live in Turkey - get on well with your husband but he is not ultimately the man to make you happy and you want to meet your soul mate. Would prefer to live in th UK. No doubt your husband would be opposed to you moving to the UK with the kids and he would also probably not like the idea of you yearning for a soul mate while married to him and raising his children with you.
> 
> ...


I have thought a lot about going back home. I suppose the wonderful climate is keeping me here  We all like living in a beautiful place with the sun and sea, I think the ideal would be to meet someone English and for us to live in Turkey but people in their forties and fifties usually have careers, children etc. and may not like living abroad. England is nice, too! I just haven't summoned up the courage to actually make a definite plan to go back there after over 10 years. I could find it's a huge struggle on my own, financially and practically, which is why I keep putting it off. Also I feel like I owe my children the best childhood they can have because they give me so much happiness. I feel like I have to put them first. I just don't know when I will decide to put my happiness first - when they leave home or before that. Seems that even amicable separation can harm children emotionally, but they must be able to sense the coldness and lack of affection between us.


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## MrRight (Apr 17, 2017)

LittleMissBusy said:


> I have thought a lot about going back home. I suppose the wonderful climate is keeping me here  We all like living in a beautiful place with the sun and sea, I think the ideal would be to meet someone English and for us to live in Turkey but people in their forties and fifties usually have careers, children etc. and may not like living abroad. England is nice, too! I just haven't summoned up the courage to actually make a definite plan to go back there after over 10 years. I could find it's a huge struggle on my own, financially and practically, which is why I keep putting it off. Also I feel like I owe my children the best childhood they can have because they give me so much happiness. I feel like I have to put them first. I just don't know when I will decide to put my happiness first - when they leave home or before that. Seems that even amicable separation can harm children emotionally, but they must be able to sense the coldness and lack of affection between us.


If you want to give your children the best life - surely a UK education would be a good place to start - and living in a more liberal society with all the opportunities here must be more sensible than a life of sun sand and sea. Of course I dont know what their status is - if they dont have EU or UK nationality rights - you might struggle. Is there any chance of your husband agreeing to you leaving him and taking the children back to the UK? If you even give him the idea you are thinking this way - you might find a big attitude change towards you - be careful. 
From what I understand of Turkish society - they give massive respect to wives - as long as they fit in with what they expect. But a whole family can turn nasty if they think you are less than the 100% faithful loving loyal wife they think you are.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

How old are you children? Have you talked to you husband about how you feel? What is he saying to you? Maybe he feels disconnected too?


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