# Cruel husband



## XoLynn (Jan 16, 2021)

I want to start off by saying I’m pregnant so I am obviously more sensitive than usual - but overall I am an empath. One of the reasons my husband claimed to have fallen in love with me. Deeper into our marriage I’m starting to realize my husband has some extremely problematic behaviors as well as mindsets. When we first started dating he seemed conservative but open minded enough to the point that it didn’t seem as if it be a problem for my free spirited nature. Overtime I started to realize he is actually a pretty nasty person and it’s kinda alarming. And it may seem silly but that’s something I really can’t get funky with. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do not go around calling people pathetic and idiots. He thinks he is above everyone around him. The way he insults people is extremely unkind and overly harsh. Though he is a black man himself he goes out of his way to prove that he is one of the “good ******” and not a stereotype. He claims to be problack but idk how that could be when you refer to yourself as an extremist that supports the far right. I beg him to not talk to me about politics and race anymore because I personally think he’s anti black (despite being black). I’ve expressed to him this irritates me to the point I will divorce him and he’ll continue to bring it up and troll me. He gets off on trolling me and then treats me like I’m the problem when I snap. Idk I just kinda feel like he lied or hid a part of himself to get me. And now that he’s gotten me...he’s just not the person I thought he was. Idk what to do because he really has issues that I don’t care to help him with. He’s overly critical he was PISSED seeing adults riding on escooters referring to them as losers, he told me that if I wasn’t such a procrastinator and lazy I could’ve been a surgeon even tho he tried to get me to do his masters for him (I hold two degrees and two certifications -___-) he thinks that his views are held by the majority and will talk to you stupid if you hold a different opinion. He has an issue with me being bisexual and told me to never tell anyone he knows (I don’t walk around telling my sexual orientation anyway cause that’s weird). it’s like literally politics will be the end of our marriage (I don’t even ****in care about politics. I’m a ****in hippie I could honestly care less even tho I voted for the first time). He is like a grumpy old man and I don’t quite understand why he’s with someone like me when he could be with a like minded person. I’m at a lost. I really love my husband and outside of being a weirdo he honestly is great. How do I deal with this


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re pregnant. Your emotions are all over the place.
Consider seeing a marriage counselor, and consider talking to your husband about the things that annoy you when you’re in a level mood. 
There isn’t a person on the planet that doesn’t have some annoying traits. You’re only seeing the bad ones right now. 
I’m glad I’m not a woman. Being pregnant sounds hard. Hang in there.
You chose him. Surely he’s not THAT bad or you wouldn’t have.

Put together a list of his positive and negative qualities. Do this when you’re having a really good day, and again a couple of weeks later when having a really bad day.
See how they match up.

Show him both lists. Lol.
Good luck.


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## XoLynn (Jan 16, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re pregnant. Your emotions are all over the place.
> Consider seeing a marriage counselor, and consider talking to your husband about the things that annoy you when you’re in a level mood.
> There isn’t a person on the planet that doesn’t have some annoying traits. You’re only seeing the bad ones right now.
> I’m glad I’m not a woman. Being pregnant sounds hard. Hang in there.
> ...


You should really be careful dismissing my feelings let alone any other women’s feelings because they are pregnant. These are feeling I had before pregnancy and me being pregnant doesn’t change his behavior. Thanks for the weird advice tho


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

XoLynn said:


> You should really be careful dismissing my feelings let alone any other women’s feelings because they are pregnant. These are feeling I had before pregnancy and me being pregnant doesn’t change his behavior. Thanks for the weird advice tho


Good luck 


XoLynn said:


> You should really be careful dismissing my feelings let alone any other women’s feelings because they are pregnant. These are feeling I had before pregnancy and me being pregnant doesn’t change his behavior. Thanks for the weird advice tho


hmmmm

you’re welcome. Weird advice is my specialty.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

XoLynn said:


> He claims to be problack but idk how that could be when you refer to yourself as an extremist that supports the far right. I beg him to not talk to me about politics and race anymore because I personally think he’s anti black (despite being black).


Just because your black does not mean you have to be a democrat. I'm pretty sure he's not anti-black.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

XoLynn said:


> I want to start off by saying I’m pregnant so I am obviously more sensitive than usual - but overall I am an empath. One of the reasons my husband claimed to have fallen in love with me. Deeper into our marriage I’m starting to realize my husband has some extremely problematic behaviors as well as mindsets. When we first started dating he seemed conservative but open minded enough to the point that it didn’t seem as if it be a problem for my free spirited nature. Overtime I started to realize he is actually a pretty nasty person and it’s kinda alarming. And it may seem silly but that’s something I really can’t get funky with. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do not go around calling people pathetic and idiots. He thinks he is above everyone around him. The way he insults people is extremely unkind and overly harsh. Though he is a black man himself he goes out of his way to prove that he is one of the “good ****” and not a stereotype. He claims to be problack but idk how that could be when you refer to yourself as an extremist that supports the far right. I beg him to not talk to me about politics and race anymore because I personally think he’s anti black (despite being black). I’ve expressed to him this irritates me to the point I will divorce him and he’ll continue to bring it up and troll me. He gets off on trolling me and then treats me like I’m the problem when I snap. Idk I just kinda feel like he lied or hid a part of himself to get me. And now that he’s gotten me...he’s just not the person I thought he was. Idk what to do because he really has issues that I don’t care to help him with. He’s overly critical he was PISSED seeing adults riding on escooters referring to them as losers, he told me that if I wasn’t such a procrastinator and lazy I could’ve been a surgeon even tho he tried to get me to do his masters for him (I hold two degrees and two certifications -___-) he thinks that his views are held by the majority and will talk to you stupid if you hold a different opinion. He has an issue with me being bisexual and told me to never tell anyone he knows (I don’t walk around telling my sexual orientation anyway cause that’s weird). it’s like literally politics will be the end of our marriage (I don’t even ****in care about politics. I’m a ****in hippie I could honestly care less even tho I voted for the first time). He is like a grumpy old man and I don’t quite understand why he’s with someone like me when he could be with a like minded person. I’m at a lost. I really love my husband and outside of being a weirdo he honestly is great. How do I deal with this


When did he start becoming a control freak? After you said "I do"?


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## XoLynn (Jan 16, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> Just because your black does not mean you have to be a democrat. I'm pretty sure he's not anti-black.


I pretty sure I know my husband better than you. And who said he had to be democrat. I clearly said he’s conservative therefore he’s republican.


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## XoLynn (Jan 16, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> When did he start becoming a control freak? After you said "I do"?


He isn’t a control freak or anything. I guess he just realized how like...idk how to say it but I’m an empath and I sincerely believe in live and let live. So I feel like he hid a lot of who he was from me because obviously why would I be okay with him saying things like “African American people are scum” etc etc I’m not too sure why people are defending his racist rhetoric. Kinda alarming


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you both get some good marriage counselling? I dont see this as that serious to divorce over it, there are things you can both work on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

XoLynn said:


> He isn’t a control freak or anything. I guess he just realized how like...idk how to say it but I’m an empath and I sincerely believe in live and let live. So I feel like he hid a lot of who he was from me because obviously why would I be okay with him saying things like “African American people are scum” etc etc I’m not too sure why people are defending his racist rhetoric. Kinda alarming


So did you live together first and if so for how long?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

XoLynn said:


> I pretty sure I know my husband better than you. And who said he had to be democrat. I clearly said he’s conservative therefore he’s republican.


What in God's name are you talking about? I know what a conservative is because I am one. It didn't need to be explained.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

XoLynn said:


> He isn’t a control freak or anything.


What you described is controlling behavior...


XoLynn said:


> I’m not too sure why people are defending his racist rhetoric. Kinda alarming


Who is defending his rhetoric? Do you mean me, people in general, or people of TAM? I don't mean to be offensive, but you're a little bit hard to follow.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

People are trying to understand your situation and offer advice based on your OP. So far you are calling them names (weirdo, racist) and combative with every response. That is _*not*_ the behavior of a "live and let live" person.

Why not try and listen with an open mind?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

XoLynn said:


> I want to start off by saying I’m pregnant so I am obviously more sensitive than usual - but overall I am an empath. One of the reasons my husband claimed to have fallen in love with me. Deeper into our marriage I’m starting to realize my husband has some extremely problematic behaviors as well as mindsets. When we first started dating he seemed conservative but open minded enough to the point that it didn’t seem as if it be a problem for my free spirited nature. Overtime I started to realize he is actually a pretty nasty person and it’s kinda alarming. And it may seem silly but that’s something I really can’t get funky with. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do not go around calling people pathetic and idiots. He thinks he is above everyone around him. The way he insults people is extremely unkind and overly harsh. Though he is a black man himself he goes out of his way to prove that he is one of the “good ****” and not a stereotype. He claims to be problack but idk how that could be when you refer to yourself as an extremist that supports the far right. I beg him to not talk to me about politics and race anymore because I personally think he’s anti black (despite being black). I’ve expressed to him this irritates me to the point I will divorce him and he’ll continue to bring it up and troll me. He gets off on trolling me and then treats me like I’m the problem when I snap. Idk I just kinda feel like he lied or hid a part of himself to get me. And now that he’s gotten me...he’s just not the person I thought he was. Idk what to do because he really has issues that I don’t care to help him with. He’s overly critical he was PISSED seeing adults riding on escooters referring to them as losers, he told me that if I wasn’t such a procrastinator and lazy I could’ve been a surgeon even tho he tried to get me to do his masters for him (I hold two degrees and two certifications -___-) he thinks that his views are held by the majority and will talk to you stupid if you hold a different opinion. He has an issue with me being bisexual and told me to never tell anyone he knows (I don’t walk around telling my sexual orientation anyway cause that’s weird). it’s like literally politics will be the end of our marriage (I don’t even ****in care about politics. I’m a ****in hippie I could honestly care less even tho I voted for the first time). He is like a grumpy old man and I don’t quite understand why he’s with someone like me when he could be with a like minded person. I’m at a lost. I really love my husband and outside of being a weirdo he honestly is great. How do I deal with this


Decide what you are willing to do about his behavior. And then tell him, and do it. 

Either he will change his behavior, or you will change yours, or(most likely) both of you will. Just remember that it's a two way street.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I am an empath too, and the thing about us is that we are really influenced by our environments. When I was married, I always tried to have my home be a happy positive place. My exH changed, and he all of a sudden thought he was better than everyone and was very verbal about it and super insulting all the time. My happy home, became a place of negativity, and after a long day of work I didn’t look forward to going home because that negative energy brought me down, it’s exhausting to be around angry and hate. 

It sounds like you really don’t like your husband much. You don’t like his opinions or attitude. But you say you love him and everything else is great... what do you love about him?


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## Challenging (Jan 16, 2021)

XoLynn said:


> I want to start off by saying I’m pregnant so I am obviously more sensitive than usual - but overall I am an empath. One of the reasons my husband claimed to have fallen in love with me. Deeper into our marriage I’m starting to realize my husband has some extremely problematic behaviors as well as mindsets. When we first started dating he seemed conservative but open minded enough to the point that it didn’t seem as if it be a problem for my free spirited nature. Overtime I started to realize he is actually a pretty nasty person and it’s kinda alarming. And it may seem silly but that’s something I really can’t get funky with. I’m not perfect by any means, but I do not go around calling people pathetic and idiots. He thinks he is above everyone around him. The way he insults people is extremely unkind and overly harsh. Though he is a black man himself he goes out of his way to prove that he is one of the “good ****” and not a stereotype. He claims to be problack but idk how that could be when you refer to yourself as an extremist that supports the far right. I beg him to not talk to me about politics and race anymore because I personally think he’s anti black (despite being black). I’ve expressed to him this irritates me to the point I will divorce him and he’ll continue to bring it up and troll me. He gets off on trolling me and then treats me like I’m the problem when I snap. Idk I just kinda feel like he lied or hid a part of himself to get me. And now that he’s gotten me...he’s just not the person I thought he was. Idk what to do because he really has issues that I don’t care to help him with. He’s overly critical he was PISSED seeing adults riding on escooters referring to them as losers, he told me that if I wasn’t such a procrastinator and lazy I could’ve been a surgeon even tho he tried to get me to do his masters for him (I hold two degrees and two certifications -___-) he thinks that his views are held by the majority and will talk to you stupid if you hold a different opinion. He has an issue with me being bisexual and told me to never tell anyone he knows (I don’t walk around telling my sexual orientation anyway cause that’s weird). it’s like literally politics will be the end of our marriage (I don’t even ****in care about politics. I’m a ****in hippie I could honestly care less even tho I voted for the first time). He is like a grumpy old man and I don’t quite understand why he’s with someone like me when he could be with a like minded person. I’m at a lost. I really love my husband and outside of being a weirdo he honestly is great. How do I deal with this


Your feelings matter, pregnant or not. If anything, you have a more heightened awareness of what’s best for you and your baby. 

The second thing I noticed is that it was only at the very end that you said you loved this man, previously described in entirely unlovable light! You share that he is racist, cruel, and nasty.

What is there to love? I sincerely ask this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

XoLynn said:


> I’m not too sure why people are defending his racist rhetoric. Kinda alarming


I'm certainly not going to support his racism. It sounds extreme and anger-driven. In fact, he sounds rather scary to me.



XoLynn said:


> I don’t quite understand why he’s with someone like me when he could be with a like minded person.


Since you are the one posting your concerns, I'd like to ask you why you are with him. You call him a "grumpy old man" and a "weirdo." I don't consider those ways to describe one's spouse they claim to love. You also claim he trolls you and treats you as if YOU are the problem. Sorry, but I'm not seeing what there is to love here ...


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