# Fed up and told her so...now what



## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

When I was a child I learned to leave my shoes in front of the door before my mother got home. I had tried doing things to please her. Example - I did the dishes after getting home from school and cleaned off the table and swept the floor. When she came home her only comment was, "at least you could have put the dishes away". So, after several failed attempts I learned (Subconsciously) that I could never satisfy her and she would always find something to yell about. So, every day I would leave my shoes in the entry doorway and then she would yell about them, I would put them away and then we could go one with whatever we were doing.

I now observe similar behavior in my wife and how she constantly moves the target on me and the kids. 

Last night I decided to vacuum the house. When I finished, she said, your missed a spot behind the water dispenser and there are some crumbs at the foot of the stairs. I know that my son just went upstairs with some cookies. But the real issue is that we have "Stuff" everywhere. We moved a year ago and have boxes and stuff in every corner. And if you were to look you could find crumbs and stuff behind/under a majority of the place. Its not filthy, just really got the not quite moved in look. I know this bothers her, but that doesn't give her the right to treat us like trash.

Yesterday was a bad enough day at work and I just wanted some space, but I also wanted to do something to help. So, when she made the rudish comment about the places I missed (and there was an attitude), I then proceeded to point out all the other dirt and "stuff" that needed to be moved to do a full cleaning, but that was not my intent on a weeknight. I then told her that she needs to be less critical of me and the kids when we do something to help or we just might not do it any more.

Last year she left for 2 weeks with the kids on a short family visit. I took 3 days and cleaned and organized like never before. The house was spotless. Got a dozen roses a welcome home sign and party favors. Her nasty comment was...Are you trying to prove you can do a better job than me.

I've had it... I am not going to let her manipulate me like that any more....

Help me with ideas of how I can be loving yet firm about these things.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You probably already know this but I'll confirm. It's not about the condition of the house. It's about the dynamic between you and her. Consider reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

Sometimes the best defense is a good offence, but you've got to be careful to not damage the relationship.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

MarriedMyMother said:


> When I was a child I learned to leave my shoes in front of the door before my mother got home. I had tried doing things to please her. Example - I did the dishes after getting home from school and cleaned off the table and swept the floor. When she came home her only comment was, "at least you could have put the dishes away". So, after several failed attempts I learned (Subconsciously) that I could never satisfy her and she would always find something to yell about. So, every day I would leave my shoes in the entry doorway and then she would yell about them, I would put them away and then we could go one with whatever we were doing.
> 
> I now observe similar behavior in my wife and how she constantly moves the target on me and the kids.
> 
> ...


The answer is you dont be loving about these things.

You put your foot down and demand to be treated with respect. I am really only affirming what you know- I can tell you already understand that being nice doesnt cut it.

A woman is attracted to a man's capacity to effect a positive environment in a way only he can. Any man can vacuum a house; what can YOU do that she cant get elsewhere?

For her to treat you the way she does even after you try to do nice things is something you must CALL her on right away as soon as it comes out of her mouth. At the same time, you must become "disgusted" or dismissive as if she must work to gain your attention back. 

For example, when she said the "trying to prove you can do it better than me" deal, I would have responded with: "No, I was trying to be nice by welcoming you home to a house you wouldnt have to clean and a gesture of thought from the husband you say you love. Thanks for the respect you have given me in return. Im leaving now." with a very calculated emotionless tone. 

And walked straight out the door. Call me a bastard- im tired of seeing nice guys get insulted, so I dont care. When she bombs your phone, dont answer for a few DAYS unless its about the children. Stay at a buddies house or get a motel.

When you come back, you could say "this sucks because I love you, but I will not allow myself to be treated in such a way just for trying to do nice things. I think we need to talk about divorce."

She'll get the message real quick: "if I treat him like crap, he wont put up with it and he'll divorce me. To maintain this marriage, I must treat him with respect and he must treat me with respect." If she cares about you at all, she will be all apologies real quick and in a hurry-like.

This is just one example. Do not softly press back- go hard or get ready for the divorce/bad-relationship thats coming. A swift brutally emotionless response that carries respect but allows zero acceptance for her to disrespect you.

Once she respects you, THEN your marriage can be a happy one.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You are in dire need of setting your boundaries. Your spouse will get away

with exactly what you allow them to. My pop was like your W. After

I was about 16, I told him...if you are the only one who can do it

the way you want it, then you need to do it." When I did things when

I was still with X, she rarely did what your W does but, I did say

"oh the place I missed, I meant to." Smiled, walked away. Course

it was dealing with waxing her car but...can relate it to anything.

How many hours do you work? Her? How many kids?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yep. Tell her you left that spot or chore on purpose as you knew she wouldn't be happy if she couldn't find something to criticize. Ask her if she can find your other 'missed' spots as you really, really want her to be happy.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I can certainly tell you what not to do. Don't stop doing things because she is like that. Keep doing them and more. Piss her the hell off. Let her handle her issues. You keep doing what you know needs done. I like the passive aggressive comment suggestions. I just don't know that words will speak louder than actions. 

She needs some counseling. I even got to the point of asking/telling x2 I wanted to make a list of duties we each were responsible for accomplishing. She said that wouldn't be fair. I guess it only wouldn't be fair because she could only do chores from her own list and worry about those?

This isn't about the chores or the dirt. What's going on in the rest of your lives and marriage? There is something missing here. It's most important. Is she satisfied that her needs are being met in other areas of her life/your marriage? 

You will have to open up and write more for folks to help you in the most effective way possible.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I would have handed her the vacuum and told her she's welcome to go over the spots I missed since it bothers her so much. 

My inlaws are like this. My nephew cooked breakfast for all of us at the cottage. He was about 14. Sure the kitchen was a little messy when he started. Instead of praising him for being thoughtful for cooking for 11 people when he didn't have to and nobody asked him to, my SIL comes in and yells at him for not cleaning the kitchen first. 

My BIL and I were flabbergasted. We called her out on it right on the spot (yes it would've been nice for him to do a few dishes first but he's fourteen man, I was just impressed that he whipped up a nice breakfast for the entire family without being asked to/just to be nice). 

My MIL is like that too. My BIL rarely does dishes. Once, he finally did some dishes up at the cottage, but he didn't wipe down the counters. Instead of being thanked for the mountain of dishes he washed she dug into him about not wiping the counters. He doesn't do them because of her attitude which is passive aggressive but understandable. Don't kick a gift horse in the mouth I say.


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> How many hours do you work? Her? How many kids?


I am a principal. She is a stay at home mo with one at home during the day (3kids). She does have a lot to do... we moved here because her dad died 2 years ago and her brother has a disabling illness. So, we moved here to be a help. She is carrying a lot of emotional things with this move. Our life is somewhat out of control, but I feel it does not have to be that way in our home.

As a principal, I deal with issues all day long and get calls at night. I get the kids up and out in the morning. We have setup a schedule for the evenings which I perceive she often sabotages so she can yell at the children. I mean we have a list of duties and she will do some of the kids which is confusing to them and then expects them to do other things... like a moving target. "You should see what needs to be done"...It empowers her and is demeaning to the kids.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I am a principal. She is a stay at home mo with one at home during the day (3kids). She does have a lot to do... we moved here because her dad died 2 years ago and her brother has a disabling illness. So, we moved here to be a help. She is carrying a lot of emotional things with this move. Our life is somewhat out of control, but I feel it does not have to be that way in our home.
> 
> As a principal, I deal with issues all day long and get calls at night. I get the kids up and out in the morning. *We have setup a schedule for the evenings which I perceive she often sabotages so she can yell at the children. I mean we have a list of duties and she will do some of the kids which is confusing to them and then expects them to do other things... like a moving target. "You should see what needs to be done"...It empowers her and is demeaning to the kids.*



Obviously this needs to change. How she treats you is important but more important is how she is treating the kids and also how they see her treating you.

Are you or her against her going back to work? Perhaps having something else to do outside of the home will help her relax in the home. 

Also, what about grief counseling? I imagine the loss of her father has been hard on her. Is there any connection between his death and her ill treatment of you and the kids? And I'd suggest counseling or a support group for caregivers as well if she is taking care of her disabled brother. 

What do you do when she yells at the children? You need to confront her and protect them even if it means having to take the barbs directed at them until A) you convince her to get help, B) she changes on her own or C) the situation becomes so intolerable that you leave her. 

A sit-down frank discussion about the children's expected chores and her chores is important. If kids are old enough, have a sit-down family meeting and renegotiate who does what. Then make sure your wife is clear about their duties and her own in the house and not to interfere with their jobs. It is unfair for them to have to keep jumping through these impossible hoops. This will affect them as your mother's disapproval affected you.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I was a SAHM for many years. IMO you should stay out of her business. Don't organize, vacuum, or nit pick. Do take care of yard work, cars, broken appliances, etc. Do be an involved father taking your children to activities, appointments, etc...

What if she came to your school and nit picked you about your job?

If it was ME after a move, the best thing my H could do is to take the children away to grandma's for a week so I could get things in shape without all the weight of daily life responsibilities interrupting (cooking, cleaning, laundry, chauffeuring, etc)



> When I was a child I learned to leave my shoes in front of the door before my mother got home.


So you learned to deliberately provoke your mother by repeatedly doing something you knew she didn't like? :scratchhead:

And your handle "married my mother".... Your wife does not want to be your mother. She wants to be your WIFE. Just sayin'


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I.. we moved here because her dad died 2 years ago and her brother has a disabling illness. So, we moved here to be a help. She is carrying a lot of emotional things with this move.


If I was her, I would sure feel lonely, unloved, and unappreciated making so many sacrifices and laying down her life for others.... and her H who made vows is so fed up with her and told her so...

I hope she has a good group of gf's for emotional support. Sux to be her 

Principals make good money. How about hiring some help for the disabled brother and ask your wife if she would like some hired help @ the house?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you brought some emotional baggage from your mother into your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*"It empowers her"*

This is why she finds fault with your efforts. Her payoff is when you get upset at her criticisms. She needs to find a new way to build her self-esteem - does she get a chance to go to the gym or have a lunch out with her friends?


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

I am a principal/teacher at a private school... I make 1/4 of a public school principal. But, even though we struggle financially, money has never been a separating issue. We both have problems spending too much at times and that does bother her more than me. But that has never been a serious issue in our marriage.

3 years ago her best friend, where we live now, died in an accident. She has no GFs here. I feel for her in that way. She does have a lot of stress and family expectations. She is under stress... We both are. We left a wonderful home and community with all the comforts of friends and we moved to a sparsely populated area to be with her mom and brother... My kids have no nearby playmates, the school has a few kids that they get along with but our homes are an hour apart.

However, all of this in consideration... It is not fair to take her frustrations out on her family. We all have stress... I have often told her it would be much better to ask me for help and look to me for support than to use me as a punching bag. But she wants me to be able to read between the lines of her accusations and bad attitudes. 

When she yells at the children, which is a daily/hourly occurrence, it makes me bristle, especially when what she is yelling about is a situation that she created.

I do love her... I find her to be the sexiest creation on earth... I tell her that often... But she sees herself as fat and ugly... She homeschooled our kids until we moved here last year... now they are in my classroom (except for the little one)... After our blowup night before last she has said nothing to me or the kids... Every time the kids come to her she says something nasty.. she even threw stuff at our 11 year old for asking if we were going to eat supper. Our 5 year old asked me if mommy stilled loved her... I said yes "mommy is just having a bad day".

Our 13 year old is a little more forward... He came to me yesterday and said "Why does mommy always change things and then get mad when I don't get it?" I said "that is a good question... write it down and ask her sometime when she isn't mad."

I am really struggling with all this right now... But, I have come to the point where I am not going to be beaten or allow the kids to be accosted just because she is in a bad mood.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let me ask you this: how much do you think you're an emotional support for her? Women more than men really need this.....we tend to seek out gf's much more for emotional support then men do with their buddies. Right now your wife has none, and doesn't even get out of the house for work to at least mix with other adults. For sure she shouldn't be taking this out on you but before you get in her face you might consider if you could be a better emotional support for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I
> However, all of this in consideration... It is not fair to take her frustrations out on her family. We all have stress... I have often told her it would be much better to ask me for help and look to me for support than to use me as a punching bag. But she wants me to be able to read between the lines of her accusations and bad attitudes.
> 
> When she yells at the children, which is a daily/hourly occurrence, it makes me bristle, especially when what she is yelling about is a situation that she created.
> ...


I feel for ya. My H can be extremely harsh and vent stress similarly. He suggested to me that I should question him something like this "The way I am hearing that sounds rejecting and hateful. Is that what you are trying to communicate?" (I have gotten very close to D over it though. A gentler approach would be "When you ____, I feel ____. Are you trying to communicate ____?")

I always stand up for the kids and I'm 100% with you there. What I do is remind them that daddy is in a bad mood, it is his issue, please try not to internalize/take it personally. And I give them positive affirmation in an attempt to undo some of the criticism.


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Let me ask you this: how much do you think you're an emotional support for her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is a tough question... Whenever I try to talk to her about "her", she usually sees me as a threat or patronizing. Then she starts her "stabs"... So, I usually stop.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> 3 years ago her best friend, where we live now, died in an accident. She has no GFs here. I feel for her in that way. She does have a lot of stress and family expectations.


She needs GF's. She needs down time for herself. If I was in her shoes, I would like H to help by taking care of the homefront while I get to do something social (church activity, exercise class, hobby, etc)


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

Blonde said:


> She needs GF's. She needs down time for herself. If I was in her shoes, I would like H to help by taking care of the homefront while I get to do something social (church activity, exercise class, hobby, etc)


We live 30 miles from town... I have always stayed home with the kids to give her time out... But she hates doing it alone and she doesn't seek out friends easily... she also doesn't like the social scene... She likes shopping with a GF.. she had that at our last place and knows I do not have a problem watching the kids, but she needs to find someone compatible first.

I don't have a good friend either here... Our home here is very constricting... we owned before and had shop, garden, chickens, dog... now where we are (Mom's location demands it) we rent and have no "hobby" things to do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I am a principal. She is a stay at home mo with one at home during the day (3kids). She does have a lot to do... we moved here because her dad died 2 years ago and her brother has a disabling illness. So, we moved here to be a help. She is carrying a lot of emotional things with this move. Our life is somewhat out of control, but I feel it does not have to be that way in our home.
> 
> As a principal, I deal with issues all day long and get calls at night. I get the kids up and out in the morning. We have setup a schedule for the evenings which I perceive she often sabotages so she can yell at the children. I mean we have a list of duties and she will do some of the kids which is confusing to them and then expects them to do other things... like a moving target. "You should see what needs to be done"...It empowers her and is demeaning to the kids.


I stopped reading here. What I say will probably already have been said.

I taught in public schools for about a decade. Principals work from

about 7am to 7pm, on average. Your plate is already more than full.

I would not be a principal for 100k. Too many politics, smoozing.

Have you considered having a maid service stop by 3x a week?

Now I understand the grieving process...but can she not "pitch in?"

If she is not doing what she can at the house, is that a sign of

her being lax on raising the children? A close death is horrible,

I lost one of my parents in early 20's. But there has to be a point where

you need to make some type of progress. She needs grief counseling

but more important...you need to set your boundaries... the same

way you would a teacher.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I am a principal/teacher at a private school... I make 1/4 of a public school principal. But, even though we struggle financially, money has never been a separating issue. We both have problems spending too much at times and that does bother her more than me. But that has never been a serious issue in our marriage.
> 
> 3 years ago her best friend, where we live now, died in an accident. She has no GFs here. I feel for her in that way. She does have a lot of stress and family expectations. She is under stress... We both are. We left a wonderful home and community with all the comforts of friends and we moved to a sparsely populated area to be with her mom and brother... My kids have no nearby playmates, the school has a few kids that they get along with but our homes are an hour apart.
> 
> ...


Please seek IC / MC / FC before this gets too far out of hand.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

My uncle and aunt have been married forever. When they were younger she was very critical of my my uncle and she still is. He is miserable with her but they are getting old now and I guess he fills stuck.

I would stand up for myself and kids, let the chips fall where they may or you will be in for a lifetime of this treatment.

Might even stop helping with housework and if she says something just say well I don't ever do it good enough to suit you anyway so I thought I would stop.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

Thebes said:


> My uncle and aunt have been married forever. When they were younger she was very critical of my my uncle and she still is. He is miserable with her but they are getting old now and I guess he fills stuck.
> 
> I would stand up for myself and kids, let the chips fall where they may or you will be in for a lifetime of this treatment.
> 
> Might even stop helping with housework and if she says something just say well I don't ever do it good enough to suit you anyway so I thought I would stop.


This actually brings up something from my past. At one point where my dad got off work earlier than my mom, he would come home and completely clean the house.

He did this every week day for a few months actually. She was very thankful and everything was fine.

One day, my dad just didnt feel like cleaning up. When she came home and dishes were needing to be cleaned, she was furious. My mom never insulted my dad, but she was the passive-aggressive type where she would pout and let anger fester. She would snap at him for dumb things during this period.

As soon as she did that, he stopped cleaning the house entirely (prior it had been shared). She got the message. He still fixed the cars, remodeled various things in the house, brought home $$, etc.. but he wouldnt clean. Eventually, she apologized.

They were happily married until he died, she never cheated on him, and he never cheated on her.

She paid a price for treating him with disrespect, and she respected him for it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

OptimisticPessimist said:


> This actually brings up something from my past. At one point where my dad got off work earlier than my mom, he would come home and completely clean the house.
> 
> He did this every week day for a few months actually. She was very thankful and everything was fine.
> 
> ...


Great story! And it's even better that they turned out fine.


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

The kids and I made breakfast this morning and she chose to leave and said she would not be eating with us after what happened last Sunday morning. We had previously agreed on working in teams for Sunday breakfast. Last week was my son and her first time and she got out cold cereal.. I told her it didn't seem fair and the kids were disappointed.. Usually Sunday morning is our big breakfast and we look forward to it.

This all came to a head with the floor cleaning incident and when I stopped the yelling at the kids. She actually hit me for the first time that night and broke some things in the house.

Ok... I am 50 and she is 43... She said she doesn't want to talk... but she emailed me from the other room last night... Here is our correspondence... Please feel free to give me advice. (Our school calendar calls for a canoe trip today)

Her: Are we going canoeing tomorrow?

Me: I would like to... It's probably our last opportunity... I emailed the parents that it was not happening... I'm not sure if you want to be around me, but I am wanting to be around you and would like to go as a family...  Don't know where though...

Her: You are so sick in the head. I guess I didn't hit you hard enough the other night. How quick you are to push under the bed troubles. You avoiding there is a problem doesn't make it go away. And TV is not the answer just for you to escape till the next blow up. As for wanting to be around me - if I recall I said I am so done with you, and you said the same. Try to take that one back.

Me: I am not pushing this one under the bed. As I said last night... We need to talk. I am ready, just waiting for you to be willing. Though I love you, I am done with you treating me like trash when you've had a bad day. When you walk into the house you often come in like a commanding officer. I know that you have a lot of demands on you. I know you don't have a friend to do things with. I know that our troubles with dealing with the kids seem impossible. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me badly. You have so many wonderful qualities. But, you have let the stresses of life make you bitter. Instead of coming together to encourage one another our relationship has become a dumping ground for bad feelings.

I hope you will be willing to give it a chance. I am glad you have the opportunity to get away for a week (She is going on a vacation with her mom next week). Hopefully it will give you some needed relief. I am ready to talk whenever you are.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

hmmm...vacation with mom for a week? Red flag for me with her attitude and how long this has gone on and at the intensity it has become. 

It could all be innocent. It is me. So, take this post with a grain or three of salt. 

I think it is time for some espionage. Some others can help with what and how to do that. I don't think it is uncalled for at this point. I think it must be kept secret and you must do it to know how to proceed. 

Sorry about your troubles.

ETA: Her hitting you and smashing things is pure spousal abuse. Keep an electronic recording device on you when you deal with her. Place a few of them around the house. Where are our experts? The one who calls the police first is less likely to be considered the offender. Don't call unless it is abuse. False claims are worse than the abuse for a man.


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> hmmm...vacation with mom for a week? Red flag for me with her attitude and how long this has gone on and at the intensity it has become.
> 
> It could all be innocent. It is me. So, take this post with a grain or three of salt.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the thought... However, she is going with her mom and 2 aunts that i know well... Grandmas in the church...lol

As far as abuse goes... If it happens again I will do something.. She usually prides herself in not going to those levels... I have been the one in the past to break things... TV went out the window once... Never directed anything to her.. only the appliances in dispute...


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> The kids and I made breakfast this morning and she chose to leave and said she would not be eating with us after what happened last Sunday morning. We had previously agreed on working in teams for Sunday breakfast. Last week was my son and her first time and she got out cold cereal.. I told her it didn't seem fair and the kids were disappointed.. Usually Sunday morning is our big breakfast and we look forward to it.


Again, you are sticking your nose in her job and it annoys her. 



MarriedMyMother said:


> When you walk into the house you often come in like a commanding officer.


Could this be projection? Your nit picking about the vacuuming and the Sunday morning breakfast sounds bossy and controlling to ME. My H would get a piece of my mind for that (now that I am a *recovering* doormat...)



> I have been the one in the past to break things... TV went out the window once... Never directed anything to her.. only the appliances in dispute...


Good for you for admitting it. She might have some residual fear of you. How much do you outweigh her?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> Thanks for the thought... However, she is going with her mom and 2 aunts that i know well... Grandmas in the church...lol


My best friend is 20 years older. Grandmas from the church can make excellent friends!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You both need some intense counseling, IC and MC. This is pretty bad and it is my guess that it will not end happily ever after.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Again, you are sticking your nose in her job and it annoys her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


ray:

Blonde please don't start this on this thread. Can we ever have a thread about men and women having a dispute and you call out the women for their behavior? 

It's going to turn into the OP defending every insignificant thing to you. And whenever he does admit mistakes your going to point to those being the cause of his wife's behavior. And alleviate her of all responsibility. I've seen this dance so many times...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

MarriedMyMother said:


> This all came to a head with the floor cleaning incident and when I stopped the yelling at the kids. She actually hit me for the first time that night and broke some things in the house.


We all hear about equality right? Call the police. File a report.

This has nothing to do with you saying her punch hurt you at all.

This is 100% setting your boundary.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

No wonder they let each other get away with this crap. They are both doing things over-the-top. 

Get that counseling. 

How long has this behavior of yours been going on? What is/was the frequency of your angry, violent outbursts? I ask the same of her's, though she is not here to answer.

I know why you have no boundaries. You feel guilty as hell. Work on you first. You can only change yourself. She can only change herself. Then, the marriage, if there is any left, can be worked on. 

I stand by my previous likes and posts.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Maybe your wife feels justified in her outburts because of some of the previous ones you've had OP. Or maybe you guys have always had this type of relationship and now you don't want it anymore? But I don't like her mistreatment of the kids or her hitting you. It sounds like she just may want to have all the control and attention in the house. 

I'll add though, that email was frustrating to read. She sounds like her hitting you is the right thing to do. She has somehow positioned herself to be above you and the kids and she doesn't want to come off of that. That's her perception of the relationship.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Likely because of some counseling from others. Could be friends/counselors/community orgs. Who knows? 

Also, could be because of his actions in previous disagreements/arguments. She's been coached. She is in part correct and in part incorrect. Likely she hasn't been as truthful across the board. 

We all tell from our side. The truth is somewhere in the middle.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife and her mother are taking a 1 week vacation. Are they taking her brother with them? 

Perhaps you can think about moving back to your old community. The mother might be better adjusted now and this arrangement is not good for anyone in your family. 

You uprooted the family for your wife's benefit and she craps on you and her kids. That's a fine how-do-you-do. Keep that communication where she admits hitting you - it might come in handy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is it possible that you guys have developed an employee employer relationship, where you work and she has to answer to you regarding whether she's doing her job? This is a common dynamic with a stay at home spouse.....it's usually not intentional but the working spouse starts to evaluate the job the stay at home is doing, creating a relationship imbalance. Eventually it becomes a parent child dynamic. It's terrible for a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is it possible that you guys have developed an employee employer relationship, where you work and she has to answer to you regarding whether she's doing her job? This is a common dynamic with a stay at home spouse.....it's usually not intentional but the working spouse starts to evaluate the job the stay at home is doing, creating a relationship imbalance. Eventually it becomes a parent child dynamic. It's terrible for a marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well it doesn't have to be if a stay at home can realize what a good deal they have and make sure to save the working spouse time and energy. They should want to do these things and not be forced.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Well it doesn't have to be if a stay at home can realize what a good deal they have and make sure to save the working spouse time and energy. They should want to do these things and not be forced.



Ah yes, it's a great deal to be dependent on someone who nitpicks and scores everything like a controlling parent but then still expects enthusiastic sex and a good mood. not saying this is their dynamic, that's why i'm asking him. It works for some but not for others.

I've been a sahm and I work outside the home now; I'd take the work anytime. I'm not dependent, if my hb doesn't treat me well he can gtfo, and I don't answer to anyone. Well beyond normal things spouses should discuss with reach other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ah yes, it's a great deal to be dependent on someone who nitpicks and scores everything like a controlling parent but then still expects enthusiastic sex and a good mood. not saying this is their dynamic, that's why i'm asking him. It works for some but not for others.
> 
> I've been a sahm and I work outside the home now; I'd take the work anytime. I'm not dependent, if my hb doesn't treat me well he can gtfo, and I don't answer to anyone. Well beyond normal things spouses should discuss with reach other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Both of you depend on each other, he is not your slave and neither are you his.


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

I do not expect many things. She works hard and does a great deal of work around the house. She works too much at times. It's hard for her to find time for herself. Whenever she asks me to watch the kids or for a night out or to go out for dinner I always help in any way I can. The few times I make a point that I would like something different or maybe expecting something else (Like last Sunday's breakfast)... Are often met with nasty attitudes. I can never recall a time though that I have ever accused her of not doing her part or working hard enough... However, the one thing she seems to oppose me on is a set schedule for our kids and chores. She seems to feel very threatened by it. She thinks everyone should automatically know what needs to be done and do it. Then she lapses into a fury of yelling when they don't do what she thinks they should.

In fact, since the blowup she has been doing everybody else's wok of cleaning, etc.. Without communication. Our little girl asked what she could have for supper and she responded by saying, "I don't know, the pizza that I made is just for me" Very sarcastically. So, she came to me and asked what she could have. I told her she could make her favorite PBJ sandwich. When she saw our little girl making the sandwich she finally told her she could have some pizza..... I don't get it...


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I do not expect many things. She works hard and does a great deal of work around the house. She works too much at times. It's hard for her to find time for herself. Whenever she asks me to watch the kids or for a night out or to go out for dinner I always help in any way I can. The few times I make a point that I would like something different or maybe expecting something else (Like last Sunday's breakfast)... Are often met with nasty attitudes. I can never recall a time though that I have ever accused her of not doing her part or working hard enough... However, the one thing she seems to oppose me on is a set schedule for our kids and chores. She seems to feel very threatened by it. She thinks everyone should automatically know what needs to be done and do it. Then she lapses into a fury of yelling when they don't do what she thinks they should.
> 
> In fact, since the blowup she has been doing everybody else's wok of cleaning, etc.. Without communication. Our little girl asked what she could have for supper and she responded by saying, "I don't know, the pizza that I made is just for me" Very sarcastically. So, she came to me and asked what she could have. I told her she could make her favorite PBJ sandwich. When she saw our little girl making the sandwich she finally told her she could have some pizza..... I don't get it...


It sounds like she has lost herself. The only thing she has that is her own is taking care of the house. It gives her a sense of authority and purpose. It shouldn't. She probably feels like any attempt to alleviate responsibility is just a way of someone trying to take her job. She hates doing it but doesn't want anybody else to do it. Hmmm.... this could be difficult...


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Is it possible that you guys have developed an employee employer relationship, where you work and she has to answer to you regarding whether she's doing her job? This is a common dynamic with a stay at home spouse.....it's usually not intentional but the working spouse starts to evaluate the job the stay at home is doing, creating a relationship imbalance. Eventually it becomes a parent child dynamic. It's terrible for a marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe you missed the part where he helps her and she doesn't want his help? He is not forcing her to do anything. Also, she is the one that seems to want to control. He also mentioned that she hit him. I really don't think this dynamic applies to this situation.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> In fact, since the blowup she has been doing everybody else's wok of cleaning, etc.. Without communication. Our little girl asked what she could have for supper and she responded by saying, "I don't know, the pizza that I made is just for me" Very sarcastically. So, she came to me and asked what she could have. I told her she could make her favorite PBJ sandwich. When she saw our little girl making the sandwich she finally told her she could have some pizza..... I don't get it...


How old is your daughter? I don't get this ^^




> I do not expect many things. She works hard and does a great deal of work around the house. She works too much at times. It's hard for her to find time for herself. Whenever she asks me to watch the kids or for a night out or to go out for dinner I always help in any way I can. The few times I make a point that I would like something different or maybe expecting something else (Like last Sunday's breakfast)... Are often met with nasty attitudes.


This I get. BTDT. She does a herculean job with the house. She homeschooled the kids. She takes care of her disabled brother and elderly mother leaving behind her life and friends to do so....

...and her husband ignores everything positive she does, all the responsibility and stress she has on her plate, and nit picks about vacuuming and Sunday morning breakfast...

It made me feel like I was just a thing, like he had absolutely no understanding nor comprehension of what it feels like in MY shoes, like I am just his slave that he wants to boss around and get what he wants on demand, just very un-appreciated and devalued...

SAHM sux IME. It is a thankless job. 

Does she have an education? Career options?

If it was me, I would seriously consider making my mom and disabled brother move to civilization as the price for my assistance. Maybe you could get a house with a mother-in-law suite and a better paying job at a public school?

And if YOU have to have a hot Sunday morning breakfast, YOU cook it and maybe let your W sleep in for a change.

ETA: 



MarriedMyMother said:


> When I was a child I learned to leave my shoes in front of the door before my mother got home. I had tried doing things to please her. Example - *I did the dishes after getting home from school and cleaned off the table and swept the floor. When she came home her only comment was, "at least you could have put the dishes away".*



Occurs to me that you *treat your W* like *your mother treated you*.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I gather that you are Christians and maybe your school is?

I suggest: give her this book and tell her to read it and highlight the things she identifies with.

Discovering The Mind Of A Woman: The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is...: Ken Nair: 9780785278115: Amazon.com: Books


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I gather that you are Christians and maybe your school is?
> 
> I suggest: give her this book and tell her to read it and highlight the things she identifies with.
> 
> Discovering The Mind Of A Woman: The Key To Becoming A Strong And Irresistible Husband Is...: Ken Nair: 9780785278115: Amazon.com: Books


I don't think Christ would hit his / her spouse


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> I don't think Christ would hit his / her spouse


The Bible says to live with your wife in an understanding way or your prayers will be hindered. It's an interesting Bible promise

Here's a quote from the book. I suggest he have his wife read it and see if she agrees. 

Let me remind you that a wife is not oblivious to the fact that her hostile, angry, irrational responses are not godly. She feels guilty because she believes she is not responding to the grace of God, which she understands is sufficient for her.... You see, her knowing that her responses are wrong is also part of what is eating at her. It is heaping inner guilt on her and making her spirit even heavier.

Yet what is your purpose: to focus on her shame or to care for your wife’s spirit? Do you think you will minister to her if you merely get an admission from her that her responses are wrong?...

Isn’t your goal to build your marriage relationship so that its central focus is Christlikeness- letting your wife know that no matter what, she can trust you to respond with a Christlike attitude toward her?...

I’d like to emphasize the need to get past the tendency to point the finger of blame at what we perceive is “wrong” and move on the more beneficial territory of ministering to the need represented by the “wrong”

Imagine a friend coming into your house bleeding from a stab wound and getting blood on your favorite carpet. Would you scold your friend for getting blood on the carpet? Would you justify the scolding as necessary because “after all a carpet was not really made to be bled upon, was it?”

Wouldn’t it be more cruel if the one who did the stabbing (even accidentally) was also the one doing the scolding?...

My job is to help husbands see how they are stabbing the spirits of their wives. You see, if husbands stopped stabbing the spirits of their wives, they would no longer have to scold them because their emotions are bleeding all over their marriages... 139-40​


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You got all the advice you needed in the first few posts. Nowhere did anyone tell you to point out that she has no friends is under stress and communicate through email.

Stand up for yourself. If she mistreats you confront it on the spot. If she speaks to you in any tone other than nice and sweet tell her to stop speaking to you that way. If she does anything mean to the kids tell her to get out of the house.

You never should have moved. Your wife needed you to tell her that her own children and husband are the proiority over her mother and brother.

Don't appeas her constantly. Stand up for yourself.


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

Blonde said:


> I gather that you are Christians and maybe your school is?
> 
> I suggest: give her this book and tell her to read it and highlight the things she identifies with.


We tried reading "the purpose filled life" together and it demands participation of both... She said she didn't want to do her part of it. But wanted me to go ahead and do mine... Not what it was for....

I could give her the book and ask her... but the convo I gather will be something like "What another book to try and straighten me out?" "No, a book to help me be a better husband." "I've already told you what you need to do." "Could you help remind me?" "No, you figure it out. If you don't know by now, nothing will help."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why is this woman so angry with you? Something is missing in this story.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Hmmm..this is what I am have been speculating about...

OP, you mentioned that growing up you had a very dysfunctional relationship with your mother where you could never make her happy and nothing you did was ever good enough. It sounds like you accepted this as a normal behavior. Maybe you just decided to do whatever and because you couldn't trust what your mother was saying as being genuinely helpful, you became insensitive to her "supposed" needs. Could it be that perhaps you expected a certain type of volatile communication and dysfunction when dealing with women? Maybe your wife has always been this way and you ignored it because this is what was considered normal to you. How was she in the beginning of the relationship?

I am wondering why she just can't trust you with her feelings or be vulnerable to you. Because it sounds like you are trying to reach out to her. But this is now. You mentioned that you had gotten angry in the past. How bad did the arguments get? How often was the fighting?


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

The Sunday morning thing was not a rude demeaning comment... I said, "I thought we were going to have a big brekfast"

Dig a little deeper in the well...

Arguments about life things have always been a part of us... Not violent anger though... The pastor that married us said we were polar opposites... I am easy going and not much bothers me. She on the other hand is very observant and detail focused, her private sphere is huge. She does have some abandonment issues... When she was 7 her father got cancer and left for 3 years...

She was raised in a home where the father's word was law. She often has expressed that she wishes i was more like her father. I mean, I love the man but I am not going to dictate my household as his manner was. It has always been hard for her to make decisions.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Sooo.. 

Your wife has always been high maintenance and has some deep rooted insecurities. She wants to you take a more leadership role but is fighting your ability do it because she doesn't want to feel useless. Wow bro. That really does sound like a moving target:corkysm60:.

Honestly I would have thrown a few things as well in the course of this marriage:banghead:


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

MarriedMyMother said:


> The Sunday morning thing was not a rude demeaning comment... I said, "I thought we were going to have a big brekfast"
> 
> Dig a little deeper in the well...
> 
> ...


if she wants you to dictate decisions, then do it. see what happens. she may respond well to it. my wife is like that. she is very stressed out and can get quite high strung if she feels like she is wandering with out direction.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Blonde said:


> The Bible says to live with your wife in an understanding way or your prayers will be hindered. It's an interesting Bible promise
> 
> Here's a quote from the book. I suggest he have his wife read it and see if she agrees.
> 
> ...


blonde, i hope your not implying that it is HIS fault that she was physically abusive...


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Blonde, please read that first post again, and try to drop your prejudices this time. He vacuumed, presumably he saw a need and filled it, as she has repeatedly asked. SHE is the one nit picking his vacuuming, not the other way around.

And the thing with the shoes and the mother, he was a kid, he figured out that she (the adult) was screwed up, and would not be happy until she found a fault everyday, so he gave her what she demanded. Not bad for a kid. More emotionally intelligent than his mother.

I think you need to move back to your life. If the mom and brother are in such dire straights, they can move closer to you, and presumably more resources and supports in a more densely populated area.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

The food has become an issue. It was an issue with the breakfast and an issue with the pizza.

A counselor might call it a "presenting issue"

Sorry but the pushing for a big Sunday morning breakfast sounds controlling to me. As does complaining about the boxes when vacuuming.'

In addition, being like another child allied with your young PBJ making child... sorry but for me that would be infuriating. YOU could make the child something to eat if it concerns you and YOU could make the Sunday breakfast if it concerns you. 

Send your wife over to read my perspective and ask her if I "get it".


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> blonde, i hope your not implying that it is HIS fault that she was physically abusive...


 reading comprehension, man...

His wife feels guilty about struggling emotionally (as Nair NAILS!!!) so she is now doing all the chores herself in an attempt to stem the tide of her emotional bleeding all over the family.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

How old is she? With teenage children, she could also be perimenopausal to add to her already emotionally overwhelming burdens...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

For us guys, it is easy to focus on the little incidents wondering how in the world can a wife flip out over such a small thing? It is like this because the issue is above and beyond the scope of the incident.

I believe your wife is reserving a lot of contempt for you for various reasons, and probably expects that you should know why, but is incensed that you don't "get it."

The only thing I can imagine that is firing her up is probably that she is perceiving some passive controlling behavior on your part...where you seem to be applying your principle methods to the family dynamic...that's great for child/money/schedule management, but WRONG for a marital relationship.

Your wife is acting out of control and probably feels out of control...and your insistence on focusing on chores, duties, fairness is probably sending her through the roof...making her feel crazier. Not saying her ill behavior is acceptable, but she wants you to confront her, show her some passion, some pushback...showing that you CAN HANDLE some of the ugly feelings that she is dealing with by hearing them, nodding, saying you understand, and holding her. Like the saying goes, Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. In this manner, this will alleviate her lonliness and won't feel constantly emotionally abandoned by you. Her resistance to a schedule may actually be her rejection of you leadership. You need a new leadership style in the home. It sounds like you are a good father to your kids, but you wife wants a different dynamic.

I would read The Love Dare. The first several challenges are vital (even if you don't finish the whole stupid thing) but practicing with shutting your yap about any form of negative criticism and replacing it with a compliment of any kind is powerful stuff.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Chuck71 said:


> I don't think Christ would hit his / her spouse





Blonde said:


> * reading comprehension, man...
> *
> His wife feels guilty about struggling emotionally (as Nair NAILS!!!) so she is now doing all the chores herself in an attempt to stem the tide of her emotional bleeding all over the family.


considering what you were responding to with that quote, i think my reading comprehension is fine. thanks for clearing that up.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> I would read The Love Dare. The first several challenges are vital (even if you don't finish the whole stupid thing) but practicing with shutting your yap about any form of negative criticism and replacing it with a compliment of any kind is powerful stuff.


i agree. 
another thing i would add... weakly sit downs for discussing what works and what dont in the relationship, and how to handle crazy moments.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hmmm. I see "sh!t tests", galore.

My response simple would have been...

"I don't have to prove anything, honey. I already know I'm the best!"

Then drop the subject.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> The Bible says to live with your wife in an understanding way or your prayers will be hindered. It's an interesting Bible promise


Well if we're going to relate things to the Bible.... 

"When a man hath taken a wife, and married her, and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him write her a bill of divorcement, and give it in her hand, and send her out of his house."


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Blonde said:


> How old is she? With teenage children, she could also be perimenopausal to add to her already emotionally overwhelming burdens...


Did you pull this from the excuse factory too?

What next....."Well Judge Brown I did not mean to sideswipe

a family SUV and permanently disable two children. But I am

going through the change....oh...and having a mid-life crisis.

For other famous ones mail check to

Excuse Factory
PO Box 24642
Washington DC 20500


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

PMS and menopause are God's gift to men so that they can learn to be more sensitive. 

There are lots of ways to frame the differences between men and women.

Venus/Mars

Spaghetti/Waffle

Subject to/Rule over

Captain/First Officer

Butterfly/Buffalo

A husband has a great deal of power to impact the atmosphere of the home. I liken it to gravitational pull. He can use it negatively and wilt his wife or in a positive nurturing manner which causes her to flourish and depend on his strength instead of fearing him.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Let's not bash blonde for trying to understand where OPS wife is coming from. 
From what I gather, blonde is trying to say that his wife is suffering emotionally, and if that's the case, I agree with her. 
Now, let's move on to helping OP solve the issues in his marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

Life has been a bit nuts.. She went on her week vacation and Saturday morning she gave me the best time in bed we have had in a long time. I was showing her some affection later in the morning while we made breakfast and she turned into Hyde. She said she was angry at herself for "giving in" and that she didn't want to talk about it or for me to touch her. Then she started bringing up all the things that are wrong with our house, cars, jobs, children, and most of all started listing all my shortcomings... The house was in great shape when she returned, thanks to the kids. I had to work late almost every night while she was gone. 

I said there were some things we needed to discuss. She is responsible (Volunteered 3 months ago) for setting up our fall festival in 2 weeks at the school. She had told me 2 weeks ago she wanted nothing more to do with the school and to never ask her to do anything again. So, I told her that it seems that all the families of the school are going through some really stressful times with moving, harvest, sickness, and newborns. I had suggested to the other families that it might be a good idea to postpone it for this year. When I told her that she blew a gasket saying "I'm done, I'm done!!"... Now today she is asking for the parents contact information to coordinate the fall fest...

I am writing her this email... please help me to see if I am doing the right thing... (I changed the actual names)

"I know that you are very stressed over the many things going on including our relationship. However, I need some clarification. You said several times in the last couple of weeks that you want nothing more to do with the school. Donna (The other parent/leader) has expressed several times that the harvest fest needs to be changed or said "Do we have to do it?" ... I had thought she just wanted encouragement. But then I realize that she too is feeling overwhelmed with the changes that are happening in their lives. Joyce (the other teacher) said she is throwing in the towel and it is up to you and Donna as to when it is going to be. When I mentioned to you that maybe it was best to cancel, you flew off the handle. Honestly, at this point, I could care less if we have it or not. I am sorry for this letter, I know you said you don't want to discuss anything more to do with the school. But, I need you to talk to me about this. After this I will say nothing more about the school and encourage the kids not to talk about their day as well." (She has asked them not to talk to her about things at the school)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sending that email is a mistake. Mentioning the harvest fest at all, from this point forward, is a mistake. This thing is not your problem. No good can come of you continuing down this road. Just drop it. She will sink or swim without you. And when she sinks, accept exactly zero blame for it. Shut down any conversation about it. Just walk away.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do not send that note. PLEASE I am begging you not to send that note.

Take step back. Your wife is discusted with herself becuase she had sex with you. If you are not going to get a divorce you better be figuring out what is making her feel like that.

Second, do you know why your wife say "I'm done. I'm done." Is it becuase she thinks you are making her look bad by trying to cancel the event?

Tell her the following. "I think it's best to cancel the school event. If you want to keep things as they are, I'm ok with that. But I expect you to either take my offer to cancel it or you turn your attitude around. Let me know what you decide. I will send out an email canceling first thing tomrrow if I don't hear back from you".


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

OK... thanks for your advice. I have held off sending the email. The other parent called and asked for my wife's phone number to discuss fall fest. I think i may go the other way and talk to her, the other parent that is in charge, to get her honest feelings at this point.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> OK... thanks for your advice. I have held off sending the email. The other parent called and asked for my wife's phone number to discuss fall fest. I think i may go the other way and talk to her, the other parent that is in charge, to get her honest feelings at this point.


Or you could give the other parent the number like she asked for and let the chips fall where they may.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Life has been a bit nuts.. She went on her week vacation and Saturday morning she gave me the best time in bed we have had in a long time. I was showing her some affection later in the morning while we made breakfast and she turned into Hyde. She said she was angry at herself for "giving in" and that she didn't want to talk about it or for me to touch her.


Maybe you should post this in the thread on the new laws for institutions of higher learning? I think it would be an eye opener for some there.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I did not read back this entire thread.
Your wife getting upset about "giving in", and saying "I'm done" are indicators that she is very unhappy in her marriage and specifically she is mad at and or hates you.
So you have a problem with her, and she has a problem with you. Are you fixing whatever you are doing to cause her stress, dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and hatred? Do you know what those things are? IF you do, can you fix them? Have you done any marital counseling? That seems warrented here.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

and don't you dare tell the kids not to discuss their day at home. That's just ridiculous. 

you are nice guying everything to death. and it's going to hurt your children as much as your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Wow, I just read this for the first time and it was painful. It is obvious that the two of you have serious issues. There is a lot missing to this story that is impossible to convey via a forum.

There is no magic pill to fix this. You need to find a non-confrontational way to sit and talk. I can feel the resentments ozzing out of this thread. Go to a counselor, meet with your pastor, or something. You all need to find a way to communicate in a way that you can divulge your resentments without the other flying off the handle and try to find a path towards healing. This is going to be a long road, be prepared.

You are on the road to an end to your marriage if something does not change.


@ Blondie: WTFU. Women are just as messed up as men. Get off your high horse and stop making excuses.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

C3156 said:


> @ Blondie: WTFU. Women are just as messed up as men. Get off your high horse and stop making excuses.


I can read between the lines here.... These are fundamentalists who don't do Halloween but Harvest party. They are deep into it- he is the principal of a religious School.

Women in that culture have no power and no voice. They are expected to be submissive at all times and the men develop a high entitlement mentality. Been there, done that. Got the scars... and I won't apologize for advocacy on behalf of a woman stuck there.

If she is anything like me, she will be having a midlife crisis about now and that theology is on its way out (along with her H unless he can adjust to her new feminism).


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

Blonde said:


> I can read between the lines here.... These are fundamentalists who don't do Halloween but Harvest party. They are deep into it- he is the principal of a religious School.
> 
> Women in that culture have no power and no voice. They are expected to be submissive at all times and the men develop a high entitlement mentality. Been there, done that. Got the scars... and I won't apologize for advocacy on behalf of a woman stuck there.
> 
> If she is anything like me, she will be having a midlife crisis about now and that theology is on its way out (along with her H unless he can adjust to her new feminism).


Borrowing from one of my favorite movies

"The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants."

Your understanding of the culture is antiquated and probably still applies to many "traditionalists" but not our present state.. However, it IS the world my wife grew up in. 

I, on the other hand, was far from anything you would equate with religion.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

MarriedMyMother said:


> However, it IS the world my wife grew up in.
> 
> I, on the other hand, was far from anything you would equate with religion.


Menopause and the MLC (mid-life crisis) is a bumpy ride but ultimately, perhaps it will increase your compatibility?

Even though she doesn't seem old fashioned to you, those roots of hers run deep and the internal battle with feeling ashamed of one's failure to be a "good Christian" is hard (eg the way she does ALL the chores- I wonder if she feels guilty about how she deals with the kids and perhaps its her way to punish herself and protect them?)


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Women in that culture have no power and no voice. They are expected to be submissive at all times and the men develop a high entitlement mentality. Been there, done that. Got the scars... and I won't apologize for advocacy on behalf of a woman stuck there.
> 
> If she is anything like me, she will be having a midlife crisis about now and that theology is on its way out (along with her H unless he can adjust to her new feminism).



His wife does have a voice. And she does seem to feel as though she has some type of entitlement. 

But I do think his wife is similar to you. Just my opinion...


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