# How should I act during separation?



## justmefl (Feb 19, 2015)

My wife and I separated for about 4 months last year and we were able to work on our marriage and she allowed me to move back into the house.

In January, I confided in another woman and now we are separated again. She said last week that she wants a divorce. 
I love my wife and I'm sorry for my repeated mistake.

How should I be acting during this time? On Tuesday I was talking to her on the phone and she was telling me about this guy that was talking to her at the gym. He was telling her about some house that was for sale and she was interested in looking at it.

I saw on our phone records that he called her for 1 minute. This was during the time they were at the gym.

Regardless of the intent, I'm feeling jealous and hurt. She I talk to her about this? How should I be acting? I do not want push her away, I want to reconcile.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't understand how "confiding in a woman" = divorce but... You're separated. She told you she wants a divorce. You wanting to reconcile may be meaningless at this time. 

Best thing you can do is work on your side of the fence. At worst, it makes you a better man for your next partner. At best, she sees the changes and tries again.

What caused the first separation? 

C


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## justmefl (Feb 19, 2015)

An emotional affair caused the first separation.
It was the accumulation of issues for the past few years.

If it was just confiding in another woman, we would not be separated.

I'm looking into the 180 right now.

Last year when we reconciled, I deactivated my FB page.
My sister says I should reactivate it again. Would this be a good idea?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Have you and your W gone the counselling route yet? If R is anywhere remotely on the table, then you two should try and give it a shot! Never saying "never!"*


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## justmefl (Feb 19, 2015)

Yes. We have gone to counseling together in 2014.
We did reconcile and I was back in the house for the past year.

R is on the table for me. D is on the table for her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Honey, if she has told you she wants a divorce, then that's what she wants. You can try to tell her that you rae open to reconciling but it sounds like she wants out. 

If you really want to, tell her one last time that you are sorry and want to work things out. Don't pressure her though. She will either be into it or not. If she's into it, you need to stop cheating. If she's not, then you will have to accept that.

It only takes one person to divorce. Most divorces aren't mutual.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

justmefl said:


> If it was just confiding in another woman, we would not be separated.


Then why'd you originally post you were "confiding" in another woman? Just call it what it is. 

Also, how you feel jealous/insecure of this guy she told you about is exactly how she felt about you and the woman. Was it the same woman twice? 

Re: Facebook - if you want to activate, activate. If you don't, don't.


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## justmefl (Feb 19, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> Then why'd you originally post you were "confiding" in another woman? Just call it what it is.
> 
> Also, how you feel jealous/insecure of this guy she told you about is exactly how she felt about you and the woman. Was it the same woman twice?
> 
> Re: Facebook - if you want to activate, activate. If you don't, don't.


This second time it was different, but not in her eyes. My wife and I were in an argument and not talking. I was telling a contract employee about my marriage and we were having issues. This person lives on the other side of the country and I had not intention of having any type of relationship with. I was hurting that my wife and I were not talking. I should have addressed this with my wife and not this other person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife likely views what you did as another EA. When you confide in someone of the opposite sex that your marriage has issues, that says to your spouse that you are sending out "available" signals. 

She may change her mind or she may not. Regardless, you have boundary issues you need to work on. And if you're jealous and hurt, well, now you have an idea how she has felt -- twice. You can tell her you feel that way (although I wouldn't) but she probably won't care.


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## justmefl (Feb 19, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Your wife likely views what you did as another EA. When you confide in someone of the opposite sex that your marriage has issues, that says to your spouse that you are sending out "available" signals.
> 
> She may change her mind or she may not. Regardless, you have boundary issues you need to work on. And if you're jealous and hurt, well, now you have an idea how she has felt -- twice. You can tell her you feel that way (although I wouldn't) but she probably won't care.


Thank you Openminded. You are 100% correct with everything.
I won't tell her how I feel. I wrote it down in my journal. Thank you again.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I hope things turn out the way you hope they will.


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