# Only having sex when you really want to



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about how one should only have sex when you really want to. 

So, here's a hypothetical:

A married couple each want to have sex twice a week. However, one wants to have sex on Monday and Thursday and the other wants to on Wednesday and Saturday.

How can this be resolved, other than having no sex at all, without someone having sex when they don't really want to?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is easy, both compromise and they have sex on Monday, Wed, Thur and Saturday.

One meets others expectation, and the other does too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

What are the reasons for picking those days? How much do they not want to on other days? Could they pick one day from each and both be happy? 

I can't say how I would resolve it without knowing more info.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I prefer this hypothetical. 

Is it ok for me to ONLY do whatever I want/don't want to do in my marriage without ANY regard for what my spouse does? 

Is it ok for me to consistently lie about why I will/won't do those things? 

That said, sexless marriages almost always consist of two parties:
- A refuser and
- An enabler 







Buddy400 said:


> I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about how one should only have sex when you really want to.
> 
> So, here's a hypothetical:
> 
> ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> What are the reasons for picking those days? How much do they not want to on other days? Could they pick one day from each and both be happy?
> 
> I can't say how I would resolve it without knowing more info.


The point is just to pick an arbitrary difference (could be mornings vs. evenings).

I just can't see how the statement "you should only have sex when you really want to" can possibly lead to anything but problems.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> I just can't see how the statement "you should only have sex when you really want to" can possibly lead to anything but problems.


Don't take it to the extreme though.

There is days when I can **** all day and night, but I would not ask for that of my wife (even though I'm sure she would consider).

In general, both partners should be doing their best to meet their partners sexual desires and expectations!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about how one should only have sex when you really want to.


There's a lot of REALLY STUPID talk going on, then!

What if we want to, but don't "really" (high enthusiasm) want to?

What if it's always good and you're glad you did despite not feeling enthusiastic beforehand?

What if both are seldom "really" wanting to, allowing the marriage to become sexless and fall apart, whereas making a little effort will be highly beneficial and enjoyable?

Of course, if one seriously does not want to and seldom wants to, then you end up like so many sexless couples who are contemplating divorce. And I think that's what they should do ASAP.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Buddy400 said:


> The point is just to pick an arbitrary difference (could be mornings vs. evenings).
> 
> I just can't see how the statement "you should only have sex when you really want to" can possibly lead to anything but problems.


But that's not to say your spouse can't try to make you want to. 

Just because I'm not in the mood at the moment doesn't mean I'm not open to getting there. 

If I really don't want to, say I'm sick or just too tired nd it's just not going to be good, then no. I shouldn't have to do it anyway and not enjoy it. It will make me start feeling negative about it and resentful.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think that in a committed relationship you should sex whenever your partner wants unless you actively do not want it - in which case you own then a sexual "favor" next time. 

If you are in a committed relationship and find you very rarely or never want sex, then you should rethink the relationship.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about how one should only have sex when you really want to.
> 
> So, here's a hypothetical:
> 
> ...


Do people really live like this?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Do people really live like this?


I know right? We never ever talked about some mandatory minimum of sex per week Laundry Monday, Sex Tuesday, clean bathroom Wednesday, etc.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Do people really live like this?


No. I doubt there is any couple with exactly this problem (hence "hypothetical").

Do some couples have mismatched sexual desires and believe that they should only have sex if they *really* want to have sex? Yes.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I have sex only when I want to have sex. sometimes will do some "charity" work though


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> I have sex only when I want to have sex. sometimes will do some "charity" work though


I only have sex when I really want sex because that is the way my husband likes it. And he really makes me want to have sex. But not on Tuesdays. Because Tuesdays are yucky. WTF?


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## IvyGirl (Aug 26, 2014)

I don't think it's fair to say you should only have sex when you really want to.
I think it's very fair to say you should only have sex when you're willing to.
To me, there's a pretty big difference between the two.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sucks but my hand always wants sex...I just can't turn it down!

My old lady on the other "hand" wants it just as bad.

Sometimes one has to stop thinking about what they want and be more worried about what they need.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yep only when i really want to, morning, then night. And only at lunch if i am especially horny that day. That should cover all the bases. :smthumbup:


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Do some couples have mismatched sexual desires and believe that they should only have sex if they *really* want to have sex? Yes.


Of course they do, but that is very selfish of the LD spouse. 

No one is always in the mood, every single time but people should try to meet the needs of their spouse. It doesn't mean there aren't times when someone REALLY doesn't want to have sex, just that most of the time if it won't kill them, just do it, lol.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

These types of hypotheticals don't apply to two people who actually want sex.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

People who are free to do only what they want to do have no need to take vows because vows are solemn promises to act in certain ways regardless of our feelings. This is the whole idea of "commitment". If you accept a job, you make a commitment to show up on the days you are scheduled and do what you were hired to do. If you adopt a kid or a puppy, you are committing to care for them, regardless of how you happen to feel. Maybe some of you remember the words "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?". There's no mention of "if you feel like it". Should a husband remain sexually faithful to his wife, even on the days he doesn't feel like it?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Can I ask those who believe if freedom of choice and do it only when feel too obviously they r LD or at least they are not HD.

U adore eating Swiss dark chocolate and ur husband doesn't .u pass by a place that sells great products with your hub , facing it is there is a place that sells cigars or games , your spend all money 
On his favorites how u will feel?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

So :
if your husband spend all money 
On his favorites how u will feel?

Any feedback !


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Myself and husband are both very sensitive natured about *Desire*...if I felt he wasn't into it.. I'd SPIT on that...I'd get very emotional & take it personally (I'm such a baby).... and if he felt I wasn't into it.. he'd loose his erection so fast.. & probably wouldn't touch me again till I came on to him... 

However, none of this bothers me, at least we understand each other.. we both love sex & pleasing each other...it's one of marriages greatest joys even...

If one likes it in the morning.. and the other likes it more at night for instance...(and I speak here more of regret)... without opening this up and talking about it.. this was part of our issue in the past.. I would get horny at night -while he was sleeping.. and he was ready to roll in the am!! ..... Darn we missed each other too many times...









So talking about it ...sharing how we feel, when desire comes upon us...should take place.. but after this..

ATTITUDE ~ ATTITUDE ~ ATTITUDE is everything.. bring the *enthusiasm* to the bedroom!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

IvyGirl said:


> I don't think it's fair to say you should only have sex when you really want to.
> I think it's very fair to say you should only have sex when you're willing to.
> To me, there's a pretty big difference between the two.


Good point. Case in point is my wife. As of late last year we started turning our failing marriage around. Initially to show she was serious about doing so she brought sex back into our sexless life even though she really didn't feel like having sex a lot of the time. She admitted that she loves it once we got going but getting motor started was often hard. Now with a great marriage again most of our sex is scheduled so initiation is almost not needed. It just happens. I belive it also takes away that whole getting in the mood thing and wondering if your going to be rejected. And despite the sex being scheduled, I still work hard to get her in the mood and ramp up emotions in the hours leading up to sex. For us this works very well. We've learned that if you wait till your in the mood for sex to happen, it will never happen. For when she is in the mood, I'll be busy or. It in the mood, or vise versa. 

Bottom line. Sex is very important in a strong marriage and both spouses have to work to make it a priority to keep the marriage strong. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Myself and husband are both very sensitive natured about *Desire*...if I felt he wasn't into it.. I'd SPIT on that...I'd get very emotional & take it personally (I'm such a baby).... and if he felt I wasn't into it.. he'd loose his erection so fast.. & probably wouldn't touch me again till I came on to him...


This.

Nothing kills the mood faster than thinking the other one might not be into it. We're both, like you too, very sensitive to desire.

Which is why if one of us isn't in the mood, we're both free to say "not yet". Our sex life is totally built on the tenants of mutual desire. Without that we'd be dead in the water as neither of us would, or could, exist in a marriage where we put out solely for the sake of the other. I don't do corpse or duty sex, I find the entire concept sickening.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why stop there. What if you want sex at 9:14pm and s/he wants it at 7:43 in the morning? My god we'd better negotiate the crap out of that one forever.


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