# Long read but please help me



## Ataloss47 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm new to this site. I'm not one to share my feelings but I can't keep it to myself anymore and need to admit to someone I don't know what to do. 
I'm 47. My H and I have known eachother for over 20 something years. I was 22 and he was married and had just adopted a child at the time. We lived in different states but spoke everyday work related only. We became best friends. I was somewhat friendly with his wife also. I went on to marry someone in my late twenties. Over the years his marriage became to unravel and so did mine.( his wife was cheating and abusing the children and I was neglected by mine) We supported eachother.
I had my hands full from the minute We decided to date. I gave up my hopes and dreams to help his two children. At the time I remember thinking I was sent there to save them. I wanted to wait to get married but he insisted and we married at courthouse. Afterwards, I still had to walk on the other side of the street when we got close to our home and close to office. He wanted to keep marriage secret. So I walked around the block and rang doorbell as if I was visiting, never answered our phone, basically lived as if I was single to the outside world yet was raising two children and was married. I did it for him..... He wanted it that way until he was ready to share with everyone the truth about us. 
We did go (with a lot of hard work...doctors, hormone shots) to have 4 biological children....2 are with us but 2 passed at birth....
It's been a long journey with this man. From career (I work for his co) to raising children. Everything I have done has been for H and his children. They were choicestrust made and I don't regret them. I did my best....idid save one child... They are my gem...and my younger children are happy. 
But I'm not.
Here I am at 47 and I feel trapped. Over the years I've been so busy at saving people and making them alright that I've forgotten about myself. I need to be saved. My H is busy with himself and constantly looking for me to tell him everything's ok. 
He's not the man I married 12 years ago
Ive explained what i need and his answer is that it's all me. 
We tried counseling. Most counselers have told him he's passive aggressive, insecure and defensive. He drops out every time. He says he loves me, adores me and can't live without me but will jump to attack me on most things. (I'm now giving it back to him) 
I don't know if I should stay or leave. I'm at a loss....I have my kids and my mother lives with us as well. 
I want to do what's right. I don't want to hurt anyone but don't I have a right to being happy too? 
Thank you for listening to my rambling.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Saving someone is not a reason to marry. But if you loved him then, and he isn't the same man now. Well, thats obviously going to happen as people get older. Question is, what can you do to change yourself to make everyone better? Including you. 

I'm not saying your the problem. Far from it. I sense that life has changed, that you changed for this person and now that he is no longer the person you changed for you feel regret and want out. 

My biggest question mark. Is when you say "H is busy with himself and constantly looking for me to tell him everything's ok." What do you mean by that? Is he going through a hard time as well? 

Depression is a very real thing. It sounds like both of you are depressed for one reason or another. Rather then just ending it, try and figure out how to get yourself out of depression. Then, work on your H.


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## Ataloss47 (Nov 27, 2012)

Thank you for responding Hope4family

What I mean is....since the beginning of our relationship H has always been in some sort of crisis....first it was marriage, then divorce,then child custody against his abusive ex, threats from his ex who had to be arrested, his career..... At the beginning I thought "once I help him with this hurdle things will be peaceful" But I've been waiting year after year for peace and year after year it's always another crisis. I've been supportive. I've been there for him but I'm always told "I'm uneducated" and I don't know anything. All of this is effecting my health and my joy
Am I depressed? I haven't a clue


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

How about taking a few steps back here and imagine the life you really would like to live. What would make you happy? What would you be doing? Most importantly, what are the qualities of your ideal partner, the one who you can share everything with, who makes you laugh, who supports you to go after your dreams (and helps you get there), the one who makes you feel deeply happy and safe.
It IS possible to find that person - they're out there looking for you too. You just need to believe in yourself and start taking some positive action.
Think about your ideal life and start doing a few things to move in that direction. What do you like to do? 
Start to believe in yourself - in YOUR life.
All the best


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