# Just seperated, what can i expect next?



## manin_charge (Sep 17, 2009)

My wife broke the news yesterday and said we should spend time apart. She is now with her sister, and I am staying at the house. Right after she told me we should seperate, she said I should consider getting a car, and that we should cancel marriage counseling because it's a waste of time and money. From the looks of it, it seems like she's done. Should i prepare for the inevitable


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

yep. and prepare to find out she has a boyfriend as well.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I hate to say it but listen to Sirch. Sirch you once said keep an eye on to me and I have. Unfortunately you were correct.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, I hate to do it but I guess I will add salt to the wound.

They usually don't leave to be "alone" by themselves; they usually leave to seek comfort from someone else.

I am sorry you are going to through this; my wife did the same to me several years ago. We are fine now but it was a terrible time in my life. Has she told you that she is just lost and doesn't feel anything for you anymore. That she needs to find herself; that you are not making her happy.

Yeah, well if you can get access to her phone records or emails, see if you can peak in on them. Phone records are the first indicator of a cheating relationship.

If you want to save your marriage; talk to her calmly and see if there is something you might be able to change in yourself to make her happy. Good luck to you I wish no one had to go through this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best.

Do what you need to do to protect and care for youself.

Sorry this is happening.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

your wife said it's a waste of time and money because she doesn't want to deal with issues that are HERS. a decent counselor would get her focused on HER and she knows part of whatever issue exists is HER.

she doesn't necessarily have someone else. it's just the number one fear right now. good to see that previous posters can feed your fear. geez guys...

my wife left to find comfort because i was so uncomfortable. she is back at college, so good for her, her self-esteem is so high right now. makes me happy to see that she found what she needs. thoughtful women have better insight into what they "need" and "leavers" sure as [email protected]&k dpn't "need" another screwed up dude in their life.

you ask "should i prepare for the inevitable?" what is the inevitable? make your own reality. make it inevitable that you two reunite. do so by making improvements in YOU. it's the only thing you can change. fitness, both physical and mental, financial, morals, relations with your kids...then alow the "inevitable" reunion to occur.

oh, as far as snooping through phone records and email...ask any scientist. set forth to find evidence of ANYTHING and you can subjectively find what you suspect. this is why forensics is so difficult. the human condition includes vast amounts of prejudice.


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## manin_charge (Sep 17, 2009)

Well I talked to her sister today, she said that she doesn't think it's someone else. I feel she would be fairly honest since her husband cheated on her at one point. And she thinks her sister is making a huge mistake. This is also the sister she is staying with so at least her sister can help on my behalf. I really appreciate all the response and advice. It's good to know that I'm not alone. At I have someone to relate my feelings with. I feel that maybe it's time to start focusing on me, instead of the marriage. Right now i feel like it's outside of my control, and anything I do makes it worse. She said the more I try, the more it makes her want to back away. Not sure what to think about the situation, but I know that it's time to focus on me, and worry about myself, because if I don't, who will? What do you think about it?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sounds good since that is all you can do anyways. And V is correct that we piled on a little. But that is a possible reality. My w told my parents, her mother, and our counselor that there was nothing physical was going on. But she was having an EA. Now beyond that.

Talking about your love for her to her will push her away further at this point. You need to detach a little and just be you. That was a mistake I made in the beginning of my journey. Doesn't help. Seems like the right thing to do, but isn't. Try and stay positive when around her and focus on improving you.


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## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

I'm right there with you buddy. You can try and be the best husband/dad around. Maybe your wife will notice...maybe not. It hasn't worked with my wife.....I agree with the others.....give her space and you may have a chance. I did the same thing as you and it has only made things worse. Generally when the wife says she's done and doesn't even want to try there is someone else in the picture.....best of luck to you!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

hey there
V is correct (philosophically) we have the power to influence the future and one of the best things about going through these testing times is that we MUST draw on power - our own power that somes from the best place inside us to keep on going....

truth is at this stage nonbody really knows what is going on with your W. chances are that it is a mystery to her....I think if people leave for clear reasons..(i.E. you have been ignoring me for years and now I am going) you have a fairly high chance of attracting that mate back....
if people leave for less well established reasons that have to do with them and not their spouse..well the chance that you have to influence whether she comes back is lower 
(just my thoughts)

but V is right - if you can start to slowly re-focus on yourself on who you want to be, on what you want your life to look like, it is amazing how 'self-fulfilling' that will be....


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## baissier (Jun 21, 2009)

Every situation is different. Just follow what you think is right. For me, we have been separated four months now right after the 10 years anniversary. I haven't seen her or talk to her since. It was toughest in the first two months because you are not sure what was going on. She said she is not happy and is trying to find herself and asked me to move out. I followed the advice here and gave her lots of space...hence the no talking - only limited to notes I left on the dinning table and notes she left back. I couldn't stand the uncertainty at 2nd month and asked her what she wants, whether there is someone else and if she just wants to end it. She told me there isn't anyone else and she is not sure. But she also said she is not sure if this is the end either. So I told her I will wait. She haven't talk about what she wants ever since and I haven't ask her either. 
Just keeping myself busy by running and going to the gym. Running a half marathon in two weeks from now  Emotionally walking on thin wire and so I try to not even think about the relationship. It's going to be tough so try not to think about it. 
I guess tell her that you are willing to change if it is your problem and you will be there if she wants to talk about it. After that, there is not much you can do. Wait if you wish or move on if you can't stand it any longer.


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