# Is there something I’m missing?



## Christin Springer (Apr 23, 2019)

I haven’t been on this site in a while. The advice I have gotten in the past helped tremendously! So I find myself seeking advice once again. My husband and I, have been married for 4yrs. He owned the home prior to our marriage, I moved in with him. Our differences in opinions are creating major turmoil. So much so, that it’s making me feel less than and not equal. To the point of no return on my part. During disagreements, on no certain subject my husband will say “I invited you into my home” or “if I moved into your home”. I don’t understand why he even states that, nor do I see how that matters. I told my husband, I feel the only time those statements should be brought up, is during separation or divorce. The fact that I moved in with him does not give him in any way more rights, advantage, or upper hand in our relationship. I asked him if he feels that he has some type of superiority over our relationship because I moved in with him. He says that it doesn’t but...... He still throws that up in my face. I think he really believes that it matters in someway. I just don’t see how it affects a relationship marriage or partnership!? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t want to be close minded and so therefore I’m seeking out all advice on other people’s viewpoints, Your thoughts opinions and advice might be what keeps me in this relationship.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



Christin Springer said:


> I haven’t been on this site in a while. The advice I have gotten in the past helped tremendously! So I find myself seeking advice once again. My husband and I, have been married for 4yrs. He owned the home prior to our marriage, I moved in with him. Our differences in opinions are creating major turmoil. So much so, that it’s making me feel less than and not equal. To the point of no return on my part. During disagreements, on no certain subject my husband will say “I invited you into my home” or “if I moved into your home”. I don’t understand why he even states that, nor do I see how that matters. I told my husband, I feel the only time those statements should be brought up, is during separation or divorce. The fact that I moved in with him does not give him in any way more rights, advantage, or upper hand in our relationship. I asked him if he feels that he has some type of superiority over our relationship because I moved in with him. He says that it doesn’t but...... He still throws that up in my face. I think he really believes that it matters in someway. I just don’t see how it affects a relationship marriage or partnership!? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t want to be close minded and so therefore I’m seeking out all advice on other people’s viewpoints, Your thoughts opinions and advice might be what keeps me in this relationship.


A ship needs a captain.
Then a co pilot. 
Or it will be driven into rocks and sink. 
Which will YOU be?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sounds selfish, controlling, and arrogant.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I guess you need to decide how much of the current culture are you going to let into your relationship?
Are you willing to sacrifice your marriage for it?
You take the man out of your man and you will resent him soon enough. 
All for the sake of sociability?
You can only change yourself, you cannot change him. 
What can you change in yourself to make a better marriage?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*

Too vague.

Are the issues related to the actual home? Like you want to move the bathroom from one side of the house to the other?

Details, or it's just a bunch of random, anonymous speculations.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well unless you are peeing on the carpet or breaking windows, I think thats a little selfish. I mean that is a marriage, you become one. Their is no mine, only ours. Unless you divorce, then its a ****show of mine vs yours.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*

You are not mistaken. This is a childish power play on his part. 

I would probably respond with something like 
"You keep making it clear this is your home, not ours. Excuse me from this conversation while I go look for a place I can call home"

Then walk away from the conversation. Go for a drive. Let him sit and ponder that line for a minute.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Horrible thing to say... I wouldn't be with a man who says these things to me...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



TheDudeLebowski said:


> You are not mistaken. This is a childish power play on his part.
> 
> I would probably respond with something like
> "You keep making it clear this is your home, not ours. * Excuse me from this conversation while I go look for a place I can call home*"
> ...


That's the best advice.
Leave.


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## Christin Springer (Apr 23, 2019)

It’s always just at random. I really don’t know why he feels the need to say that, or what he thinks it matters


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Does he only throw this out when there are issues or decisions to be made in regards to the house? Or does it not matter what the discussion/argument is about? I can kinda understand feeling protective of the house since it has been his, but that still doesnt make it ok. This is now supposed to be YOUR HOME. HE is supposed to be your home. I think you two probably need to find a new home together if this is how he feels about it. 

If the house thing comes up during all disagreements, then his mindset is the issue. It sounds like he feels he did you some huge favor by "allowing" you to be in his life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



Christin Springer said:


> I haven’t been on this site in a while. The advice I have gotten in the past helped tremendously! So I find myself seeking advice once again. My husband and I, have been married for 4yrs. He owned the home prior to our marriage, I moved in with him. Our differences in opinions are creating major turmoil. So much so, that it’s making me feel less than and not equal. To the point of no return on my part. During disagreements, on no certain subject my husband will say “I invited you into my home” or “if I moved into your home”. I don’t understand why he even states that, nor do I see how that matters. I told my husband, I feel the only time those statements should be brought up, is during separation or divorce. The fact that I moved in with him does not give him in any way more rights, advantage, or upper hand in our relationship. I asked him if he feels that he has some type of superiority over our relationship because I moved in with him. He says that it doesn’t but...... He still throws that up in my face. I think he really believes that it matters in someway. I just don’t see how it affects a relationship marriage or partnership!? Is there something I’m missing? I don’t want to be close minded and so therefore I’m seeking out all advice on other people’s viewpoints, Your thoughts opinions and advice might be what keeps me in this relationship.


Does he want a lodger or does he want a wife?

There is something missing. Your husband's heart, perhaps?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



StillSearching said:


> That's the best advice.
> Leave.


Only temporarily I would add. Power struggles are part of some relationships in the beginning that can be overcome. Much easier than many other issues I might add. Some couples it takes work for two to become one. This is an issue you can work through OP. In the end, you will both grow. Perhaps he feels your own bids for power are hurting him and resorts back to this mindset he has of "his home" 

We are often not as innocent as we believe we are. Search yourself in this mess too. While you point the finger, take time to notice the other the other fingers left pointing at yourself when you do this.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You're not clear whether he does this regarding the house itself or regarding all aspects when it comes to decision-making. I lived for just about 3 months with someone who was narcissistic and controlling. He dictated everything with regard to his house and wouldn't let me do anything for my own comfort or convenience. I mean, I set up a second dishrack in the kitchen for when I washed dishes, but he took it off the counter and told me I couldn't have it there. That's how ridiculously controlling he was. But like I said, I put up with his arse for less than 3 months.

You need to level the playing field. Tell him you want the two of you to buy or rent a place together. That way, it will belong to both equally and bring his superiority complex down to earth. If he refuses, then you have to find a place yourself, and tell him he's welcome to move in with you.

If you're too afraid of losing the marriage to do anything about the situation, then there's no point in complaining about because no one here has any magic potions for you to give him to make him become human. If you want things to change, you have to be willing to change in order to bring about the change you want to effect. If you don't work and have no financial resourses of your own, then you screwed yourself completely and rendered yourself powerless to his dictatorship.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Know what it is you are fighting for and why.
Is he abuse, destructive and harming you in anyway?
If he is, leave.
If he's not, he just being an a**hole. Well news flash, men at times can be a**holes. 

You're going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don't do. You don't get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you're going to take. That's it.
Be sure, at cost of peril.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



Christin Springer said:


> It’s always just at random. I really don’t know why he feels the need to say that, or what he thinks it matters


He thinks it matters because he is a jerk.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do you have disagreement about finances? Did you suddenly or unilaterally quit a job and just expect him to support you? Does he express that he doesn't see you contributing to the relationship?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

StarFires said:


> Christin Springer said:
> 
> 
> > It’s always just at random. I really don’t know why he feels the need to say that, or what he thinks it matters
> ...


We don't know the background to the situation.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



Christin Springer said:


> It’s always just at random. I really don’t know why he feels the need to say that, or what he thinks it matters


Nothing is said at random, unless he's a delusional schizophrenic drug user. 
Look to yourself.
That's all you can really do.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



Livvie said:


> We don't know the background to the situation.


And we never do. It isn't possible to know any more than OPs come here and tell us about. Yet, you, me and everybody respond with comments based solely on that. Therefore, based on what we do know according to what she told us, he is a jerk to use that to control her in situations or to control her involving decision-making with regard to their relationship and/or *his* house. It was pointless to make such a statement since it's a given in every single thread on these boards. The sample of the extreme few where both partners provide their side of the story are negligible. 

So, if that applies according to you, then why are you here commenting on any threads at all if you're going to try to tell me I shouldn't say what I have to submit?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There's a lot missing from this story.

How long had he owned the house when you two married? How much equity did he have? What do you contribute financially? Did you discuss the financial position of the house before marriage?

I had a similar situation with my ex hb. My situation might be very different from yours but I'll share mine and you can see if any of it applies.

My ex bought our house a month before I moved in. He did bring a down payment from selling his old house.

I paid for pretty much everything except the mortgage. Since he had no other obligations he was able to pay down a lot of it.

But he never really saw it as our house. He'd make referencs to "his" house. If you asked him he'd deny it and claim that of course it was ours, but he really didn't see us as a team. I now realize that it was part of a greater issue of him not incorporating me into his life. He had "his" house, "his" friends, "his" interests, etc.

When we divorced he did give me a payout after the credit for his down payment, but he made references to "giving" me money. He never saw me as a partner even though I contributed just as much as him.

So does any of this sound like your hb?

Answering my original questions would be helpful.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> You are not mistaken. This is a childish power play on his part.
> 
> I would probably respond with something like
> "You keep making it clear this is your home, not ours. Excuse me from this conversation while I go look for a place I can call home"
> ...


Yep.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

My take base on your other posts. He is showcasing what he brought to the table via the house because he hasn’t brought anything in a long long time and doesn’t want criticisms for not working in years and years. Holding that over you gives him some standing instead of being a deadbeat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*



lifeistooshort said:


> There's a lot missing from this story.
> 
> How long had he owned the house when you two married? How much equity did he have? What do you contribute financially? Did you discuss the financial position of the house before marriage?
> 
> ,,,,,,,


 @Christin Springer

I'd like to know the answer to these questions as well. They could very well make a difference in the response.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*

I just deleted a threadjack with 2 members arguing. It's not helpful to the OP. 

- speaking as a moderator


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## Christin Springer (Apr 23, 2019)

My husband making the remarks that “he invited me into his home that he built ect” happens at random in all honesty. But I can think of a scenario we’re my 12 yr old son was being annoying. All kids are at times, as a mother I’m used to that kinda thing. My husband has 2 older girls that are now 21 and 23 so he’s very much over the raising kid thing. (And states his kids never annoyed him or never had to be told more than once) I’ve dubbed them the robot kids lol Therefore he has no patients when it comes to kids or kids that aren’t his own . Example my son asked my hb what’s for dinner. Hb responded burgers and baked beans. My son than repeated baked beans walking thru out the house just being silly. My hb took that as being disrespectful mocking and doing so directly toward my hb. It got kinda heated (all the while my son is being called disrespectful that he needs a paddling and that he was mocking or making fun of how my hb says those particular word)....my son looking hurt wounded and confused because he didn’t mean it like hb was taking it. I pulled hb to the side and tried to explain my son was just being a kid, he didn’t have it out for my hb, he was just bored, repeating words as he walked from kitchen to his b.room. Kids are annoying at times I think most would agree. Whereas my hb was saying he needed to be paddled for mocking him and was a very disrespectful kid. The opposite is true, my son didn’t even know that his step father was seeing from a totally different stand point. Behind closed doors, I tried to make my husband understand that my son loves him, gets upset feelings hurt when my hb is this way. I see both sides my son can be annoying and my hb takes thing personally a lot and thinks it’s all about him when in fact it’s not. The above was an example of when my hb would say “ I invited you into my home and have been putting up with your son for 33 days now. Or “you moved in to my home and going to let your son disrespect me. And to be very clear my hb does not have a speech impairment I guess he’s self conscious but even I didn’t know. My son is on fire for Jesus very sheltered for age 12. Sons fathers a pastor and takes things a bit extreme. My son know my hb and I are going thru some things and cries because he wants us to fix it. He loves my hb and is not out to get on his nerves intentionally. 
Hope this helps


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## Christin Springer (Apr 23, 2019)

My husband owned house 10 years prior. Only became livable few years before I moved in. The house was talked about before marriage in the manner of, if ever things didn’t go as planned the house would remain his, the law in to upholds that fact as well. My husband has not worked in 4 years m, 500 mth income from his mom to look after a rent house of hers. She also pays the taxes and any other debt for her son. I have worked all but’s year first just anything waitress than paralegal. Always handing my hb the money, not because he ever asked but because it made me feel good. Feel responsible idk. I finally stopped that when he would say I invited you into my home I pay all the bills and I bought everything. He said my money went to the cost of living. So I wasn’t aquring anything helping with bills (so he says) no credit for my contribution than I’ll pay half bills and my own phone car insurance car repairs ect..... did I mention I have not worked for past 8 months but this all started way before and I still pay my own way trying not to be a burden and overwhelm him


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## Christin Springer (Apr 23, 2019)

My hb allows me to decorate, paint accent walls and things like that, without bringing up that it’s his home. He often times reminds me, of how much he lets me do in his home. Stating, I let you decorate, paint etc. its more about the rules or how he wants to live his life that he will throw those comments in my face. He said growing up he was not allowed in his parents bedroom, They kept the door shut at all times. He had to knock only in emergencies. I’ve had my son for the summer vacation, I’m uncomfortable relaxing in bed watching tv with the door shut. My son being the only one in the home, makes me feel that hes closed off from us, especially knowing he’s not allowed to knock on door unless he absolutely needs something. I tried to talk to my hb about this saying, I would feel more comfortable if we could just leave door cracked. That way I didn’t feel I was pushing my son off to the side while he was playing his video games. If my son wants to say hey mom how do you do this.. I want him to be able to. My hb was raised accordingly. My hb would say if I moved into your house I wouldn’t be trying to come in and change things and make rules. I calmly explain to my hb, when you were growing up you were raised one way and I another. I was raised where it’s OK for the kids to come and cuddle on the bed with the parents if something was on that was suitable for the kids to watch, again I tried to explain to my hb, he was raised one way and I Another, but this is my husband’s house, I moved in with him. 
I don’t think it should matter in a relationship we both moved into each others lives. Both should make the other happy by bending a little here and there. I do feel this is my hb world and he’s allowing me to live in it. His world his rules. His house his rules. His life his way of life. His beliefs his way of believing. I don’t think he’s completely open in all aspects to share his life. Yes he’s sharing his home with me but.... it will never be my house. He says this is my house it’s your home. Well I want to share a house and a home. I’m pretty deadset on getting my own. Been looking for a week just hoping someone out there can tell me something that would change the course for me


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Is there something I’m missing?*

You married your husband. But he didn't marry you.

I don't wish to be rude about him, but he seems to be dysfunctional and unable to be either a proper husband or a good father figure.

And he graciously and kindly allowed you to do thousands of Dollars worth of free work on _*his*_ home, decorating it and making it look nice?  Give me a break!

Do you want to continue living in his home? To allow him to be a part of the life of you and your son?

Could you get yourself a place of your own if you needed to for you and your son?

As for his upbringing and the way his parents raised him? That might be why your husband is dysfunctional as a man and why he cannot grow into an adult male.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Asking him would you rather i live in my own house and we just take turns at each other's home...we are either all in one and separate in two. Frankly i would seriously think of selling the house and buying a house in both your name.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

My concern is more about the son only being able to knock on the door ifbit is an emergency. That is just stupid. Most likely the raising of his children were done by his X. She kept the kids out of his way. The way he wanted it. 

Is he using the closing off into the room as a way to isolate your son. Out of sight out of mind., if son feels unwelcome at the age of 12 he will get to the point he will stop wanting to come over. He will be a teenager soon and his wants would be considered more than if he were younger.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like a 18th century marriage...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Girl I am going to lay it out there... your husband is an ASS. Why are you tolerating this crap behavior towards you AND your son?? You both deserve better! He is alienating your poor kid in (what is supposed to be) his own home, why are you allowing this? Lording the home over your head while not working for FOUR YEARS is abusive. Why isnt he working and what is he doing to bring money into the household? 

You need to get out and go find your OWN HOME. Let him rot in his by himself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's obviously very controlling. Forget about the house for a moment and focus on how your son is being impacted by all of this. That's a major issue that will get worse with time. Think a 12 year old boy is annoying? Try the teenage years. They really will drive him crazy. 

He's not interested in being a step-parent so you have to wonder why did he marry you knowing you had a child? Maybe he hoped he'd only see him rarely? Keep looking for another place to live. 

BTW, don't expect him to be happy you may want to move out. That's not his plan at all. Your income comes in very handy and he's not going to want to lose it.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I hate to be blunt, but I agree with 3 times in that your husband is an “ may I go a bit further to say arsehole” I purchased the house we live in for my ex and our children, it’s no mansion, but it was ours. We had a yours and ours group of kids.

When my ex left, without my two stepsons, our house was their home. 

Upon my getting married to my present wife, this became “ her” castle, humble as it may be. I’m a very alpha character, but if she wants anything in her castle, she gets it.

He needs to get over himself and either be in the marriage or get out. Unfortunately that may set you back some, but my dear lady, you need to get your ducks in a row and pull the plug when he pulls that crap again. 

I hope things work out for you and your son as he obviously is not in the same marriage as you.

OT


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