# Can't get past old, unresolved infidelity. Part II



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-cant-get-past-old-unresolved-infidelity.html

I was going to post on my old thread, but I figured I'd save some folks some time reading. See link, if you care. I was going through that thread to use as a template for this one. Get some history. It AMAZED me at some of the advice I got at the time. Halien, how did I not engrain every word you typed into my brain I don't know. So insightful and articulate. Entropy, Thundarr. Thank you all. I didn't think I got the magic bullet I craved: to make peace with this and save my family. Of course it wasn't there. But reading it again 9 months later, I see the answer that I was looking for was there all the time. 

I see it now because I have finally come to the realization that I can not live the rest of my life the way I have been for the past 3 years. The unresolved infidelity goes well before that. 3 years ago was when I started trying to fix it. I handled it wrong, and in the process figured out my wife hasn't loved me in a long, long time. Hasn't been attracted to me in a long, long time. May never have enjoyed my kisses. My world collapsed, and my wife refuses to work with me on it. Everyone back then agreed I needed to shake up her world. I didn't see it as an option because I saw it as inconceivable that I would break up my family for this. But I can't live this way any longer. I need my sanity. I need to go to bed without it killing me a little more each day as she turns her back to me with barely a "good-night", then get up and walk away without a "good-morning". I need a woman to love me. I desperately desire to have a woman long for my kisses. That woman will never be my wife. 

There are many reasons I now realize I must split with her. Not loving me and being unwilling to work on it is first in line of importance. Many people pointed out I was raising three kids to be in a loveless marriage. Teaching my boys to be spineless jellyfish. So raising my kids right is number 2. A distant number three in terms of severity of our problem is her summer, a long, long time ago, when she sought out and surely found the affections of strange men. Did it right under my nose. It was the most horrible summer of my life. Relatively minor indiscretions so long ago, but far and away the thing that kills me most each day. Below is some background culled from that original post. It's hard to believe I'm ending my marriage in great part due to my wife going out a few times one summer. Hopefully these descriptions can convey some of my pain. 

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My wife’s partner in crime was the wife in one of the couples we were close friends with. Her husband was (still is) a close friend of mine. She would go out regularly and drink at bars and clubs until closing. Sometimes with friends, sometimes she'd sneak out alone. I've never talked to him about it (his wife's escapades were only alluded to in whispers among outside observers, if it was discussed at all), but I'm pretty sure he agreed to it because she didn't spend any money while she was out. I'll let you figure out for yourselves how she would do it. I'll give you a hint: she was pretty hot back then. Still is. They have since divorced.

My wife got sucked in one summer. My wife knew what she was in for the moment the friend invited her along. I found out they were going out for the first time as I saw the back of my wife while she told me she was "going out dancing with ____" on her way out the door, leaving an infant and a toddler at home with me. Never a discussion. She'd get home at 2:30 AM, turn her back to me, say good night and go to sleep. Never a word about where she'd been or what she did. Which drinker (her or her wingwoman) drove home. Any word beyond "did you have fun" was answered with a vagueness that made it sound like an interrogation if I continued, so I stopped asking. A process that repeated itself 7 or 8 times over the course of the summer.

But what kind of a Neanderthal has a problem with his wife going out to let off a little steam after giving birth to his two kids? So I sucked it up. I even suffered on weekends she DIDN'T go out. Since she never gave me warning that she was going, I'd stress every Saturday until party time came and went. Repeat cycle. Every weekend, even when she DIDN'T go out made me suffer.

I have known my wife for 25 years now. In that entire time, I could tell you how much cash she had in her wallet at any give time. How? Did I spy and count the cash in her possession regularly? Was I an ogre with the finances? NO, it was simpler than that. The answer was always "none". My wife never carries cash to this day. So as she was leaving, with no notice, to spend 6 hours partying at meat markets, I knew she had no money on her. I think her and her wingwoman made a game about seeing if they could party all night and not spend a dime.

And all of that time, 6 hours at a shot. are all a blank. I want to talk to her about what they talked about on their way to the clubs. How they decided which to go to. What they did when they got there. Who they partied with. Who bought them drinks. What did they have to do for those drinks? Were there slow dances, drunken kisses? Worse? Did they meet up with the same people on multiple weekends and party with them? Did they go to peoples houses? Bar-hop? What went on all of that time? What did they talk about on the way home? Did they talk about it during the week? Which club was better? Played better music? Had more/hotter guys?

I can't get over her continued lies about it (she doesn't remember any of it now, supposedly). The men she partied with, danced with, flirted with. Where did she go all of those nights until 2:30AM? (She never even told me WHERE she went, and I didn't question it because I was afraid to appear controlling and jealous) Did she slow dance with these men? Little drunken kisses? Did she meet up with the same men on different weekends? I know they spent no money. How far do you have to go with men to get them to keep buying you drinks? 

I needed info so I went to the only place I kew how. Old credit card records. I guess I was looking for cover charges for the Hook-Up Club, or something. Of course there was nothing. Nothing except, like clockwork, once a week, religiously, a charge for Weight-Watchers. I don't know how I'd forgotten that. She had a second kid, weaned him off of the bottle pretty quickly, hit the gym, got looking good, and hit the clubs like it was Christmas and her Birthday all rolled into one. And I already mentioned that her toxic friend, who my wife would later refer to as having been "kind of wild back then", was drop-dead hot. They must have made quite a duo. The sky was the limit when they hit the bars as an experienced team. My visions of all of the men that keyed in on them as they walked in...

Some (edited for brevity) responses I got back then:



Entropy3000 said:


> I wish you luck. She may very well be open to moving ahead, but she is wanting to take her indescretions to her grave. She is rug sweeping. If she was really interested in working through this she would deal with this for your sake if not hers. By not talking about what happened it leaves open the door that this was way worse than you have imagined. That may of may not be the case. It was infidelity for sure. But why keep it so secret? I think that not telling you about it is as unfaithful as what she was doing at the time.
> 
> When a spouse "gets away" with infidelity in this manner it hurts the marriage in many ways. For one the WS knows there is a secret. They know they disrespected their spouse. They know that the BS knows this as well. They therefore have even less respect for the BS. She remembers what happened. She was actually being overly cruel to you in doing it in the manner she did. She may have been all about her but her actions were all about hurting you.
> 
> The infidelity of the continued secrecy keeps you from moving past the original unfaithfulness.






Halien said:


> When people think about a past incident, we often forget about the subtleties of the exhanges that occurred at that time. Women are very intuitive. Even if you didn't say anything about her club-hopping, she knew how you felt. Why else would you get the backside silence from her when she came to bed? So this incredible tension went unresolved. It was easier to forget it.
> 
> BTW - I asked my wife about amnesia. She's not a full fledged doctor, but a nurse practioner who treates patients who are suffering from degenerative conditions that are life threatening. Unless a biologically driven disease is present, we don't completely forget things that we deliberately set out to do over a span of time, UNLESS extreme trauma occurred at those events. So, if she wants to stick to this story, she should be evaluated my medical professionals, or psychologist to understand what happened that she is hiding.







Thundarr said:


> Sorry this is long winded. I think the reason you can not get past this is very explainable. I had a similar situation years back. My wife is the best but many years back when we were just first dating something happened and it was horrible, the "in my face" flirting part really made me feel so small but she never admitted to infidelity and I got past it...... She looked so guilty while denying it.
> 
> 13-14 years after the actual thing and 7 years into a great marriage, I felt stupid because this would pop back up in my head and I didn't know why so I read a lot of these types of forums and psycology post and I finally understood why it would NOT go away. I needed confess and to not filter anything. I had to have the terrible details and your wife will not give you those. I layed everything out on the table and told my wife that I did not trust her because I knew it was a lie and that it kept me from loving her the way I should. Our marriage was not strong without trust no matter what we wanted to think and I did not trust that she was telling me the truth.
> 
> The problem was AND YOUR PROBLEM IS. You can not move past it until you know what it was. Remember she has every detail. You only have little pieces. If you can get your wife to understand that you deserve to hear the plain simple truth no matter how much it hurts for you to hear or her to fess up to then that's the way to get over it. (Trust me I was so distressed about this I was considering leaving otherwise she may never have opened up.) She has to be responsible completely. Seriously no filtering of information. I mean don't ask for what you can't handle was he good, etc but really you have to get the trust back and the only way for that is if she stops trying to filter information. No half answers. No deception to make her feel less bad, no deception to spare your feelings. Just the HARD, TERRIBLE truth.


Now I am faced with the most horrible decision of my life. To break up my family. Break up my home. Hurt people I love. And now it's more than just because "my wife doesn't love me". "My wife doesn't like sex with me". "My wife is not attracted to me". "My wife won't kiss me". It's as simple as I just can't live this way any longer. I just can't

I will start tinkering in the "Considering Divorce and Separation" section. I've stayed out of there because I was convinced it wasn't me. I hope folks there can help make this decision easier. But this has been my forum for three years. I would like any advice I can get before I go there. It has been so easy for three years to say to others "leave the lying tramp". Not so easy when you need to do it yourself. Thanks to all that have helped me over the years. 

"The first day of the rest of my life". Such an underrated phrase for the first 50 years of my life. Now the scariest. Three and a half years ago I was telling a good friend of mine that I had the strongest marriage imaginable. Sure, the sex wasn't there but everything else was. Then my life fell apart. Time to fix it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Before you file for D - if you go there - you need to have the discussion with your wife based on the logic and stuff in your note above.

Lay it on the line - you are thinking it can't be fixed and thinking D is the only option, but you are willing for the kids and what you once had to give serious MC a try.

meanwhile get yourself a copy of Married Man's Sex Life by Kay Athol - read it and get on the MAP. Even if it doesn't save your marriage, it will build you up into something attractive to future woman after the D.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MrK, thanks for the update. My situation is different in details but similar in the underlying issues of trust and deception.

I really appreciate the part you wrote about how your decision was based on not being able to live like this anymore. It isn't the amnesia on her part or any specific event. This is speaking to me right now, and I thank you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Before you file for D - if you go there - you need to have the discussion with your wife based on the logic and stuff in your note above.
> 
> Lay it on the line - you are thinking it can't be fixed and thinking D is the only option, but you are willing for the kids and what you once had to give serious MC a try.
> 
> meanwhile get yourself a copy of Married Man's Sex Life by Kay Athol - read it and get on the MAP. Even if it doesn't save your marriage, it will build you up into something attractive to future woman after the D.



I have tried talking to her about all of this for three years. She refuses. We've tried counseling. She refuses. And the scary thing about the D talk is that it can't be a bluff. She's already insinuated that she'll leave if forced to discuss it further. So if we have that talk it's on. And if by miracle of miracles she really DID want to start working, and if she really COULD convince me she was serious, I'm not sure i'd go there. For three years she has made it quite obvious that she will do and say anything to shut me up then go immediately into her safe mode (where I don't exist). 

No, it's taken me over a year of REALLY hard work to force myself to not love her any more. I'm not going back this time.

And MMSL is on my shopping list. Too many people recommend it to be ignored. I think I will soon be looking for another mate soon. I'll need it. Thanks.



Thor said:


> MrK, thanks for the update. My situation is different in details but similar in the underlying issues of trust and deception.
> 
> I really appreciate the part you wrote about how your decision was based on not being able to live like this anymore. It isn't the amnesia on her part or any specific event. This is speaking to me right now, and I thank you.


They were very similar. I recently realized I don't need to live like this anymore. I have control (if I can work up the balls to exercise it)


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but, it's about time! Good for you for realizing your own self worth!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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