# Confessions of an LD husband



## redbaron2014 (Sep 7, 2014)

Hello all,

I'm 44, wife is 40, married almost 12 years, we have a lovely 5 year old boy. We are highly educated, have highly paid jobs, have lived and worked in 3 countries, visited 10+ countries.

We are from an Asian culture that frowns upon premarital sex, though it does happen and quite frequently. I was a virgin till I married (for reasons stated below), but my wife had a string of relationships averaging 1 per year for 6-7 years. She came into the marriage with emotional baggage, and I came into the marriage clueless.

We did not make love on our wedding night, and our sex life in the first years after marriage was pathetic. I put it down to either
- Shoot, I think I'm not sexually attracted to my wife, OR
- Oh, I think like love, lust will take time (go figure!)
My wife's thinking at this point:
- I deserve this after all my failed relationships.

Result: We never talk about the absence of passion and frequent sex, go on with life, have a son, move states, jobs.

And then: 4 years ago, my wife confides in her colleagues (medical doctors) and they decide I must be gay or asexual.She also went to a website called "Savage Love" by a guy named Dan Savage, more of an entertainer than a therapist. You can imagine the advice she got there. My wife suddenly starts angrily confronting me, usually after coming home drunk. Stung, I hit back saying she is not attractive, nothing is wrong with me, I can get off with porn, just not with her, etc. etc.

About 2 years ago, the penny drops: After scouring the internet, I myself realized my problem based on my symptoms and upon consulting physicians found:
1> I had moderate sleep apnea: causing me to be tired and sleepy, affecting libido. Treated w/ CPAP.
2> I had hypothryroidism: very low, but enough to cause depression and affect libido. Treated w/ synthroid (levothyroxine)
3> My T-levels were on the lower side of normal (meaning I had the T-levels of an 85 year old), which practically meant I had zero libido. Only last year did I find a urologist who agreed to treat me w/ T-shots.
4> I had always had a problem retaining erections (like your hubby), but when I turned 40, I lost my morning erections as well. The urologist gave me Viagra which restored my erections and mitigated ED.
5> I consulted a sex therapist to learn not to be ashamed about women's sexuality and to think about them as sexual beings just like us.
When I did the above, I found I could appreciate women for their sexiness and I felt the "stirring in the loins" that I never had for so many years. I could get spontaneous erections and flirt with beautiful young women I just met/approached.

Unfortunately, it was 4 months too late. During those 4 months I spent away from my family due to work (I returned home weekends), my wife had an affair with a neighbor (how cliche). His wife told me about it, I found the phone records, wife continued to blame shift, denied it was physical,etc. She also almost got busted being drunk while on call (she could have lost her medical license). 

Result: I'm trying to get my wife to agree to a "collaborative divorce" which is more cost-effective than litigation and keeps things private. 

The main culprit I see here is lack of communication between us. We never took the time to sit down and gently articulate the problem, then moving forward as a couple to address the problem.
The result: Our innocent five-year old's life is about to be turned upside down by our impending split. Epic tragedy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

That sounds like more like a series of monumental fvck ups, not tragedy.

Not once do you mention that you loved your wife.
If she had a medical degree one would think she might wonder about your thyroid and T levels prior to considering your possible homosexuality?

But that is all forensics, right?

Moving forward, you now understand much more about the importance of communication, sexuality and how it is felt and expressed, and communication about sexuality. Your next woman will be much happier for a man who can show her his love and desire for her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In many cultures, culture trumps common sense every time...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> In many cultures, culture trumps common sense every time...


I think that's one of your most brilliant posts John.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The main culprit is communication? I would think the main problem is that you promised a woman that you would be her husband when you had no intention of really being one and you dragged her around for 12 years without making a serious effort to be her husband. This doesn't sound like a "we" problem. It sounds like a "you" problem. Her own husband neglected her basic needs for years and told her she wasn't sexually desirable. You are surprised she had an affair? I'm surprised she stayed as long as she did. 
Now that you've got some willie pills you think it's time to treat this woman like a human being and you think she should devote a few more years to give you the chance? Your child has been alive five years and you've been treating his mother like garbage for all five. Only now that she wants to leave you remember you have a child and you are concerned how your relationship with his mother will impact him?


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## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

Guys, don't be so judgemental of this poster! I think he's been honest. We all make mistakes.

The problem with sexual incompatibility is (i) we don't see it coming (ii) we don't understand its reasons. This is classic. In most cases.

Why blame one guy?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> The main culprit is communication? I would think the main problem is that you promised a woman that you would be her husband when you had no intention of really being one and you dragged her around for 12 years without making a serious effort to be her husband. This doesn't sound like a "we" problem. It sounds like a "you" problem. Her own husband neglected her basic needs for years and told her she wasn't sexually desirable. You are surprised she had an affair? I'm surprised she stayed as long as she did.
> Now that you've got some willie pills you think it's time to treat this woman like a human being and you think she should devote a few more years to give you the chance? Your child has been alive five years and you've been treating his mother like garbage for all five. Only now that she wants to leave you remember you have a child and you are concerned how your relationship with his mother will impact him?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Damn unbelievable, I'm speechless. I have misjudged you. You CAN see through the cloud of your own pain.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I think that's one of your most brilliant posts John.



There's more 

Seriously tho you can't appreciate culture till you're dealing with someone from a culture so far off the wall that you question everything...

In retrospect that's the root cause of lots of issues.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> There's more
> 
> Seriously tho you can't appreciate culture till you're dealing with someone from a culture so far off the wall that you question everything...
> 
> In retrospect that's the root cause of lots of issues.


I have a theory that more women from cultures with very restrictive gender roles behave in BPD ways because manipulation, covert contracting, and over the top emotional responses are the only way their voices get heard. Their frustration with being dismissed and ignored as a class and as an individual has kept them totally ignorant about asserting and advocating for themselves.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think most cases of BPD begin with moderate to severe abuse in childhood. It isn't a reaction to society, it is that the trauma to the young child causes a crack in their formation.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Based on what little we know of this story, I have a hard time blaming the wife for having an affair. OP, truly hope you understand how to be a better husband next time around.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redbaron2014,

You seem to be catching some flak here. I'm sure that you feel a bit attacked.

Life is not fair and very often our own behaviors make it seem even more unfair.

You have had lack of sexual desire and ability to perform for 12 years. That you have this is not your doing/fault. Like I said, life is not fair. Where you failed is not that you have these issues but that you waited 12 years to look into them. Now that you are in a better place sexually, do you feel rejected and hurt by your wife? It would seem that you do. It's painful.

Life has not been fair to your wife either. She married a man who had health and sexual issue and who did not care enough about their marriage to even diagnose the cause and work to fix it.. not for 12 years. For 12 years she was married to a man who did not care enough for her or for their relationship to do everything he could to meet her needs. That rejection and hurt you feel right now? That's pretty much the same type of rejection and hurt that she had felt for 12 years.

You even let her feel that your lack of sexual interest and desire was punishment for her having some lovers before you married her. That's a very unkind thing to do.

I am sure that communication has been a problem in your marriage. But it’s not the core problem… the core problem is that you have rejected your wife for 12 years. When a person is as severely low drive as you have been and does not even bother to look into why and does not try to deal with it… the message to their spouse is… I do not care enough about you to love you in the want that a husband/wife should love their husband/wife. 

The tragedy here is that you ignored your own issues for 12 years. You know better than that now. You know that ignoring huge problems is the source of a lot of human tragedy. 

Your wife had an affair because she no longer cared. This was of course a tragedy for the neighbor’s wife. I can understand why she had an affair. I’m not saying it was the right thing to do. It was not. I’m saying that she’s human and she did what a lot of people who are seriously neglecting in their marriage do.

It is very good that you now recognize that you have made a very terrible mistake. It's good because with that you can now go forward with your life in a more positive way.
Yes, your innocent child’s life will be changed now. You have a large part of the responsibility for this. This is what happens when people do not make the marital relationship the major focus. 

At this point, you need to turn your focus to yourself and your child. At some point you will be able to build a new relationship with someone else. You will have an opportunity to start from scratch and use the knowledge you now have that major issues must be dealt with immediately to have a better marriage. I would also suggest that you look for a woman who is also low drive. That way you will both be a better match sexually.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think most cases of BPD begin with moderate to severe abuse in childhood. It isn't a reaction to society, it is that the trauma to the young child causes a crack in their formation.



Or at an older age as is the case with Dr. J2... 

Anon's assessment is also true from my experience, I have seen many women from repressive societies that end up as total doormats or total BSC's with few in the middle ground.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. Not too sure about your question but this is either a divorce and separation issue or coping with infidelity or both.

Sorry for your situation BTW but do you need help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> OP. Not too sure about your question but this is either a divorce and separation issue or coping with infidelity or both.
> 
> Sorry for your situation BTW but do you need help?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Good advice was given but this thread belongs in another forum other than the sex in marriage forum


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

john117 said:


> Or at an older age as is the case with Dr. J2...
> 
> Anon's assessment is also true from my experience, I have seen many women from repressive societies that end up as total doormats or total BSC's with few in the middle ground.


So who abused J2 at an older age?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> So who abused J2 at an older age?



A series of unfortunate events did a number on her, beginning with her sister's death, job troubles, stress, family issues at home, etcetera... 

As is typical with her and her culture instead of coping with the issues she tried to find someone else to blame.

Eventually there was a shift from the spunky and quirky person I was happily married to for 25 years earlier into someone else and the rest is history. Adult onset BPD is not common yet the traits are usually there....

Anyhow, we've been over this.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I see what you mean, didn't know that's what you were referring to. I get it.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Dogbert said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Good advice was given but this thread belongs in another forum other than the sex in marriage forum


Why? It's a good warning to the LD if they happen to read it. It also may be encouraging to some wife dealing with this to know it may not be her fault, even if her husband says ugly things. He also states the medical issues that contributed and a couple could look into those things, so I think it most definitely fits right here in Sex in Marriage.


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