# Am I wrong if I want some time



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

I am posting for the first time here but I've been reading these forums for some time and I really love the posts by the members here.

I am writing today to get help about my situation.
I am married to my husband for last 1 year after dating him for 2 years. We get along pretty well. Now,I am in NY since my husband got a job and moved here and I joined him too. now, I want to take 3 months off to go and see my siblings and family in my home country. My Husband does not say no but he is just sulking when I ask him about this. He tries to 'alienate' me and makes me feel guilty. Can I not have 3 months of my life?
I don't know how to handle this. We are so nice to each other on otherdays.Only when the talk of my trip comes, my husband gets all upset. I understand that he needs me here but I really really want to go.

What should I do to convince him?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Thanks for the reply Hunt Brown

The issue is he makes me feel so 'guilty' about this whole thing. He pretty much give me a lot of freedom but his only unsaid 'condition' is I should always be around him with the exception of just taking 1-2 weeks off for my friends/family. Isn't this a bit too much? Or what I am asking is too much?
I'm still confused. I love my husband so much and I can't understand this behavior of his.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he American?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Is he American?


No, and what has this got to do with your reply?


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I think you are asking too much. No husband or wife would want their spouse away for 3 months. Not only is he unable to understand (neither can I) why you want so much time away from him, but he is hurt that you want so much time away from him. I sure would be hurt and prompted to wonder if something is going on. Is there someone else (a man) you want to spend time with? Are there problems in your marriage? Are you sick of being around him? My mind would be racing to understand and figure this out. His mind is probably going a mile a minute. No one in love with their spouse, having no problems in the marriage, would even WANT to spend that amount of time away. What is going on with you? I understand you miss everyone back home, but your home is with husband now. Couldn't you compromise and take a few weeks or a month instead? Even compromise and take 6 weeks? That's still a long time, and it is completely understandable your husband doesn't want you away for so long.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because Americans don't typically take off 3 months at a time for anything! So it would seem pretty odd to him, if he were, that you'd want to be gone that long.

I'll tell you that the first 3 or 4 years we were married, my husband wanted me to be joined to him at the hip. We had to do EVERYTHING together. He constantly asked me if I really loved him. He just needed to be reassured that I wasn't going to decide I'd made a mistake, and leave him. If I had tried to go somewhere for two WEEKS he would have blown a gasket, let alone 3 months. I get that going to other countries makes it a little harder to just pick up and go and come back at will, but 3 months ... well, that is a long time to be gone when you've only been married for one year. Sorry, but newlyweds typically don't separate for such a long time without a really good reason. They would try to go together, do things together. I think he's probably feeling the same thing and wondering why you have to be gone so long.

Why don't you try to reach an agreement somewhere in the middle? That way, he feels like he's been heard, and you still get _plenty _of time to visit.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> I think you are asking too much. No husband or wife would want their spouse away for 3 months. Not only is he unable to understand (neither can I) why you want so much time away from him, but he is hurt that you want so much time away from him. I sure would be hurt and prompted to wonder if something is going on. Is there someone else (a man) you want to spend time with? Are there problems in your marriage? Are you sick of being around him? My mind would be racing to understand and figure this out. His mind is probably going a mile a minute. No one in love with their spouse, having no problems in the marriage, would even WANT to spend that amount of time away. What is going on with you? I understand you miss everyone back home, but your home is with husband now. Couldn't you compromise and take a few weeks or a month instead? Even compromise and take 6 weeks? That's still a long time, and it is completely understandable your husband doesn't want you away for so long.


Thank you for this. I really wanted a reply like this that helped me analyze the situation. I do not have any problems in my married life and I love my husband to the core and so does he. Now I get the point. I'm going to apologize to him tonight and let him know that I'd be gone for just a couple of weeks. The thought of leaving him is scaring me too as he is kind of totally 'dependent' on me. I was in 2 minds and I think I'm having a clearer picture now.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Because Americans don't typically take off 3 months at a time for anything! So it would seem pretty odd to him, if he were, that you'd want to be gone that long.
> 
> I'll tell you that the first 3 or 4 years we were married, my husband wanted me to be joined to him at the hip. We had to do EVERYTHING together. He constantly asked me if I really loved him. He just needed to be reassured that I wasn't going to decide I'd made a mistake, and leave him. If I had tried to go somewhere for two WEEKS he would have blown a gasket, let alone 3 months. I get that going to other countries makes it a little harder to just pick up and go and come back at will, but 3 months ... well, that is a long time to be gone when you've only been married for one year. Sorry, but newlyweds typically don't separate for such a long time without a really good reason. They would try to go together, do things together. I think he's probably feeling the same thing and wondering why you have to be gone so long.
> 
> Why don't you try to reach an agreement somewhere in the middle? That way, he feels like he's been heard, and you still get _plenty _of time to visit.


We are also joined at the hip and I'm feeling so bad to leave him. I think that's what is hard for me to handle. I actually have my sibling planning her wedding day,so I thought I'd be part of the fun but looks like 3 months is too much. How about a month instead?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> we're all responsible for our own feelings. he's not "making" you feel guilty.... he may be pushing buttons, he may be acting out, but if you feel guilty it's because you feel guilty... so maybe you want to explore that... maybe you do think three months is too much, but you're locked into a power struggle because he won't go for it.
> 
> I still suggest that if you want to understand his behavior that you sit down and TALK with him. Mirror. Learn what's driving him, what's bothering him. it may be that two months won't bug him and won't trigger your guilt, but you won't know until you... talk
> 
> Hunt Brown


Yes, you got it right. Its kind of a power struggle. I would not mind if he just said 'stay' or 'leave'. He seems to be directing negative energies toward me since 2 days and I'm not able to handle it. that's why this post. And, also he just does not want to talk about it. He says "you may do as you please". Knowing my husnand so well,I can say that this means he is terribly upset and hurting.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> whether you change your itenerary to two days, two weeks or two months its just a guess that it will make him happy and you are rewarding his behavior, behavior you do not enjoy.
> 
> try the mirroring, just say "I know you're terrbily upset and hurting and I want to understand.... "then after you've heard him and he knows it then you reward him by saying that his feelings make sense and you are going to change your itenerary and how does two weeks sound... or whatever number you got out of it... anyway... bingo... you are in a dialogue, you are communicating.
> 
> ...


got it! It makes more sense to just sort out the feelings of each other rather than take decisions.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Just to update you guys :
I spoke to my husband and he is saying now that its fine if I go. But, he is acting little cranky ans showing the anger to me in small things by not talking properly,no touching etc. I'm not going to allow it to make me feel guilty. I really think I need this trip. It's my sibling's marriage in a couple of months and I want to be there before-hand.
Hope all goes well. Please pray for me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you try to negotiate a smaller amount of time?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Did you try to negotiate a smaller amount of time?


Yes,its going to be 2 months.
He is acting crazy,whatever may the time frame. I think its selfish of him.Don't I deserve a couple of months off? Im kind of bored with this schedule. I dont even work as of now - Im at home.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're kidding, right? No offense, but you sound like a spoiled woman with a sugar daddy.

You're bored? Get off your butt and get a job. Or go volunteer somewhere.

You don't marry someone and then go away for 2 or 3 months to run back to your family just because he has to go to work full time to support YOU and doesn't have time to whisk you off your feet every day.

How old are you, again?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

May be I'm spoiled. I'm 25. But,the issue is I'm kind of tied up between parents,siblings, friends and my husband here. They all want to see me and I don't know what to do.:scratchhead:I did not mean that I want my husband to 'entertain' me. I'm pretty much happy with the way he is just that I am dying to see my parents. They travelling here is ruled out. Is that a crime?


----------



## countrygirl (Jul 6, 2010)

Hi,

I didn't read all the other responses, so sorry if I'm repeating what's already been said, but...

It sounds like your husband is trying to guilt you into not going, but it's also possible he's just having a hard time hiding his feelings about it. He doesn't feel he has the right to stop you, but he's really not happy with the idea.

What about going for a shorter visit? Three months when you've only been married a year is a LONG time. How about going for a month? You could still be there for the wedding and get to spend plenty of time with your family.

Good luck!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you do? You honor your marriage commitment and put him FIRST. That means you make sure your marriage is in great shape before you bail on him for 2 months when he CLEARLY is unhappy about it. Will you do that your whole marriage? Go do what you want because you want to, and if it upsets him he'll have to deal with it? I promise you, he won't stay married to you for long.

Go get His Needs Her Needs and read it this week. You will understand why what you are doing is harming your marriage. And learn what you should do to take CARE of your marriage so that he remains happy with you and WANTS you to be happy. If you had followed the tenets of HNHN for the past year, he'd probably be glad for you to go and get to spend 3 months with your family; as it is, it sounds like he feels like HE is getting nothing from the marriage and is resentful that, while he works every day and you play housewife, you THEN want to go take a 3-month vacation, what's in it for him?

I'm serious. What's in it for him? You have an obligation to ensure he is getting what he needs in this marriage. 

As for your family? They SHOULD be mature and smart enough to understand that you are now married, and marriage takes precedence over hanging with your family. It they aren't then you are in for a very rocky marriage.

I promise you, one month is PLENTY of time to get to help with a wedding.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

countrygirl said:


> Hi,
> 
> I didn't read all the other responses, so sorry if I'm repeating what's already been said, but...
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply.
This is EXACTLY what is going on with me. He feels that he cannot stop me but still is not able to talk about his feelings. I think I"ll look at making it one month.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As someone has already suggested to you, why don't you make this an opportunity to make him feel LOVED? Instead of just announcing you will only go one month - YOUR choice, YOUR control - why don't you go to him and say 'I see that this is hurting you and I love you and want you to be happy. How much time do YOU think would be a fair amount of time for me to go, so that everyone is taken care of?'

That is showing him that you DO care about him and his feelings. Right about now, I imagine he feels like a meal ticket.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Go get His Needs Her Needs and read it this week. You will understand why what you are doing is harming your marriage. And learn what you should do to take CARE of your marriage so that he remains happy with you and WANTS you to be happy. If you had followed the tenets of HNHN for the past year, he'd probably be glad for you to go and get to spend 3 months with your family; as it is, it sounds like he feels like HE is getting nothing from the marriage and is resentful that, while he works every day and you play housewife, you THEN want to go take a 3-month vacation, what's in it for him?


I"ll try to get the book when I can. I've done all I could to make him happy. He is just confused about the fact that how he "ll manage without me,I guess. Its partly selfish too.
I"ll look at taking just a month. That makes more sense. Its not like my folks are forcing me for this visit. They have not even mentioned it but I feel obliged somewhere. My sis is immature and keeps talking about me visiting her. That's where the problem lies. Im not able to say no to her for a long time.I've post poned this visit for 3 months now.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> As someone has already suggested to you, why don't you make this an opportunity to make him feel LOVED? Instead of just announcing you will only go one month - YOUR choice, YOUR control - why don't you go to him and say 'I see that this is hurting you and I love you and want you to be happy. How much time do YOU think would be a fair amount of time for me to go, so that everyone is taken care of?'
> 
> That is showing him that you DO care about him and his feelings. Right about now, I imagine he feels like a meal ticket.


Yes, I"ll sit with him tonight and let him know that I want to make him happy too and that we will work something mid way like a month. I'm kind of going to break down. Not able to handle so much guilt for so many parties.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Try to imagine how your husband is feeling; that will help. It sounds like he feels you care more about your family than him. All it takes to persuade him otherwise is for you to talk to him more, ASK him more, and learn what makes him happy (his Emotional Needs or ENs) and BE that person who meets his ENs. Once you do that, he will want YOU to be happy.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

There’s an old Chinese saying. “If you haven’t seen your friend for three days, take a careful look, they may have changed”. Three months? Rest assured you’ll return to a very different man to the man you think you know now.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

First you write.........



luvmydarling said:


> I"ll try to get the book when I can. I've done all I could to make him happy. He is just confused about the fact that how he "ll manage without me,I guess. Its partly selfish too.
> I"ll look at taking just a month. That makes more sense. Its not like my folks are forcing me for this visit. They have not even mentioned it but I feel obliged somewhere. My sis is immature and keeps talking about me visiting her. That's where the problem lies. Im not able to say no to her for a long time.I've post poned this visit for 3 months now.


And then Turnera writes.........



turnera said:


> It sounds like he feels you care more about your family than him.


And that is exactly what you are doing. This is so selfish of you it is beyond understanding. You *ARE* putting your family first and placing them over your husband. How do the words come from your mouth that you "cannot say no" to your sister but have no problem whatsoever saying no to your husband? You insist on granting her wish and just adamantly insist on disregarding his wish. You would not appreciate him doing this to you. It's not just a matter of you going for so long but more about you not respecting his wishes, not placing him above your family, and loving him so little that you WANT to be away from him for so long. And for no apparent reason. It isn't as though your job is sending you away. It isn't as though you are in the military. I asked before if there are some kinds of problems in your marriage or another man. Now it certainly appears there must be. No one wants to be away from their spouse for such an amount of time - not in a happy marriage as you claim. Even a month is way too long, but you want 3 months.

And that's another thing. You want 3 months and then replied to my response that a month will be better. Then, your very next response within moments was to say 2 months. I come back to this thread after many days to see you stuck with 2 months for a while but are now saying 1 month again. What is your problem???

You are not fooling anyone but your husband. That poor man is hurting over this and doesn't even know why. He just cannot wrap his brain around you wanting to be away from him for soooo long. He just cannot process his feelings meaning nothing to you. He only knows how much it is hurting him but has no idea why it is so important to you. My guess in the first place was that either there is something wrong in the marriage or there is a man you want to see back home. You have vacillated and wish-washed your way through this thread to make it more than obvious one of my guesses is right. And you even have the nerve to try to shift blame to your husband by calling him selfish for not wanting you to go for so long. You are displaying the typical behaviors and way of thinking as that of a person who is cheating. You are just pushing way too hard to make it happen. Nobody in love with a wonderful man (the way you describe him) acts this way. Nobody! It does not so much as even occur to anyone. No one disregards their spouse in the way you are doing, except a cheater or woman who wants to get out from under an unhappy marriage. Which one are you? You might as well come out with the truth since you made it so obvious.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Try to imagine how your husband is feeling; that will help. It sounds like he feels you care more about your family than him. All it takes to persuade him otherwise is for you to talk to him more, ASK him more, and learn what makes him happy (his Emotional Needs or ENs) and BE that person who meets his ENs. Once you do that, he will want YOU to be happy.


Yep, I do understand howhe will be feeling. Im kind of in a very bad situation. I think Ill take 1 month vacation instead.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

@susan,
May be I am acting selfish. I do not have anyone back home or any affair. I just want to see my family.
Ok,I am wrong. I'm going to cancel this trip but I don't know what I"ll be telling my sister and parents/friends.I've told everyone that I would be there. I don't know why God has put me in such a terrible situation where I'm made to choose between extremes. Or the other option is to go for a couple of weeks. But, the issue is my country is a 16 hour flight from the New york. This means 2 days wil go in the travel itself.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

AFEH said:


> There’s an old Chinese saying. “If you haven’t seen your friend for three days, take a careful look, they may have changed”. Three months? Rest assured you’ll return to a very different man to the man you think you know now.


I only hope it does not happen to me.


----------



## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Is there no way he could go with you for part of the time? Maybe you go for two weeks on your own and then he comes and enjoys a vacation and the last two weeks with you as well as the trip home?

You maybe could save some sight seeing and alone time with him and share your homeland, sounds romantic!


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

OneMarriedGuy said:


> Is there no way he could go with you for part of the time? Maybe you go for two weeks on your own and then he comes and enjoys a vacation and the last two weeks with you as well as the trip home?
> 
> You maybe could save some sight seeing and alone time with him and share your homeland, sounds romantic!


He can come only in november. this means I need to be there alone until november-mid from the time I leave. We plan to attend weddings of close friends/family and get back in time for christmas to New York.. So, the mid of november will be with him and plan to leave in 4 weeks from now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> @susan,
> May be I am acting selfish. I do not have anyone back home or any affair. I just want to see my family.
> Ok,I am wrong. I'm going to cancel this trip but I don't know what I"ll be telling my sister and parents/friends.I've told everyone that I would be there. I don't know why God has put me in such a terrible situation where I'm made to choose between extremes. Or the other option is to go for a couple of weeks. But, the issue is my country is a 16 hour flight from the New york. This means 2 days wil go in the travel itself.


 Now you're being silly. No one is suggesting you stop your trip. Only that you INCLUDE your husband in PLANNING your trip.

Why does that have to be an extreme?

I can't tell you a single person in MY life who has EVER gone on a 2 or 3 month trip apart from their spouse, especially when they are only married one year!

Don't you see how extreme THAT is?


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Now you're being silly. No one is suggesting you stop your trip. Only that you INCLUDE your husband in PLANNING your trip.
> 
> Why does that have to be an extreme?
> 
> ...


Well then may be 1 month would be ideal. I'm going to talk to my husband tonight. I'm sure he would feel fine with 1 month. I only thinkg its the 3 months factor that is causing both of us pain. Im not even able to go ahead to book my tickets. I'm just smothered by myself.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Needs Her Needs will help you navigate all this stuff. Give it time. You're still a newlywed, ok? No one expects you to have it down pat yet. And bravo to you for coming some place to learn, instead of staying in a bad place.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> His Needs Her Needs will help you navigate all this stuff. Give it time. You're still a newlywed, ok? No one expects you to have it down pat yet. And bravo to you for coming some place to learn, instead of staying in a bad place.


I'm glad that you guys are seeing some improvement in myself. Thank you for the positive words.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

thank you so much Brooks. Appreciate your time and response.
Your last lines filled my eyes with tears.
Yes,it is this thought that confuses me too - how my husband would feel when he comes home to an empty house and not for days but months.


----------



## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

Well I understand how you feel.You should talk to him that how you feel and understand he works and live in NYC for 3months alone ,and tell him that the reasons you just wanna visit your siblings with a nice tone.remember you are talking to your husband,i think your hubby will understand how you feel.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

dsfg_lover_001 said:


> Well I understand how you feel.You should talk to him that how you feel and understand he works and live in NYC for 3months alone ,and tell him that the reasons you just wanna visit your siblings with a nice tone.remember you are talking to your husband,i think your hubby will understand how you feel.


thank you for being non-judgemental of me. Yes, i have spoken to him


----------



## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

luvmydarling said:


> thank you for being non-judgemental of me. Yes, i have spoken to him


I think I understand where you're coming from, too. From some of the things you've mentioned, I'm guessing your home country is somewhere in South Asia. People here don't understand the strong family pulls that exist in these cultures, where the good and benefit of the family is put above individual wishes. 

I understand that they feel you are thousands and thousands of miles away in a foreign land, and they miss you and haven't seen you in ages, and frankly probably can't understand why your husband can't share you for a few months. I understand their point of view because my husband is Asian, but I also understand the American point of view, which says spouse and immediate family come first.

I think for these cross-cultural marriages (East/West) to work, there has to be compromise on both sides. Does your spouse understand how important your extended family is to you?

That being said, if my H wanted to leave for 3 months I would flip out. He wants to go soon, and I can't really get much more time off than 2 weeks from my job. I don't like the idea of one month either, but the tickets are so expensive, plus it essentially takes two days to go, two to come back, that staying less than 3 or 4 weeks doesn't really make sense. And I understand how his mother feels. She hasn't seen him in 4 years!!

So, I think it has to be a compromise definitely. How long has it been since you've been home?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

luvmydarling said:


> We are also joined at the hip and I'm feeling so bad to leave him. I think that's what is hard for me to handle. I actually have my sibling planning her wedding day,so I thought I'd be part of the fun but looks like 3 months is too much. How about a month instead?


I don't have much advice, but just a comment.

Wow, I sure hope you appreciate that you have so much free time and resources to travel. 

OK, I do have one suggestion. Instead of pining away for your relatives so much that you want to go there for 1/4 of a year, maybe you can invite some to visit part of the time? Or maybe plan shorter visits, but more frequent?

As a man, having my wife want to be gone would make my mind wander. And unmet marital needs would be a factor.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> Because Americans don't typically take off 3 months at a time for anything! So it would seem pretty odd to him, if he were, that you'd want to be gone that long.


WHAT?!?! If your spouse's family lived in say India, where it takes forever to get to, you would think it weird that she would want to visit the family of her birth?


I am American. And I would not have the teeniest problem with facilitating my spouse's visit to family.




> I'll tell you that the first 3 or 4 years we were married, my husband wanted me to be joined to him at the hip. We had to do EVERYTHING together. He constantly asked me if I really loved him. He just needed to be reassured that I wasn't going to decide I'd made a mistake, and leave him. If I had tried to go somewhere for two WEEKS he would have blown a gasket, let alone 3 months. I get that going to other countries makes it a little harder to just pick up and go and come back at will, but 3 months ... well, that is a long time to be gone when you've only been married for one year. Sorry, but newlyweds typically don't separate for such a long time without a really good reason.


Your "typically" and my "typically" are very different. I would say anyone who needed that much reassurance and to be melded to their partner was wildly immature and mentally unhealthy, bordering on controlling abuse!

OP my concern is less about the visit than his handling of the disagreement. In any marriage, there are disagreements. And we need to learn to handle them effectively. In my opinion, sulky pouts and guilt trips are not effective handling. Open and loving honest communication is. There are a zillion and one books on the subject! 

Good luck.

S


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

tealeaves,
thanks for lightening my soul. I was stressed when I was judged here in the earlier posts and I was a little hurt too. But, I still took it in best spirits.

Yes, I'm from Asia(south) and so is my husband. We met here when studying. I am so much in love with him and he with me. We are not able to think of being separated for over a month but I really need to go and he has become understand now and is seeing reason.
For me to, the travel distance and time is so much that I cannot just pack my bags and go or come in 2 weeks. I would definitely need a month.

michzz,
I am not working now so I have the time.

I am worried too of unmet marital needs. Life becomes so much with each other. But, I know that a short separation of a months will not do any harm. Just that, in my case its going to be 3 months.

S,

Well, I am going to India too.
Another update is that my husband has gladly now accepted that I do need to go and that he has also done my tickets. But,I'm feeling miserable thinking of the separation.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> WHAT?!?! If your spouse's family lived in say India, where it takes forever to get to, you would think it weird that she would want to visit the family of her birth?


They have only been married a year. Where did I say it was weird for her to want to visit her family? I said she made a commitment to a marriage, only a _year_ ago, and already is putting her family ahead of her husband. 

What I asked her to do is ask him to work WITH her on a solution that will satisfy both of them - as married couples should.

ETA: And apparently, what she wants, trumps what he wants: 3 months it is.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

That’s what they do in SE Asia. The wife’s family Is more important than her husband. And her husband knows this because he is from the same culture, SE Asia.

“I am worried too of unmet marital needs”. That’s the Issue.

Bob


----------



## lillyr (Jul 13, 2010)

Hello luvmydarling,

I think you have been given a bit of a hard time by a few people on this forum. After all, the reason you have posted is to try to understand the situation more and come to a good decision. 

I agree that you should try to find a happy medium and reassure your husband that you are not rejecting him but just trying to keep a connected relationship with your family. You are lucky to have a close family. That is to be cherished and nurtured, but obviously within balance with your marriage. It is not that you love your family more - it is just that you need them, as well as your husband, in order to be a whole, happy person. I have found that people who haven't had a happy family life may have a hard time understanding this. However, it does sound like your husband understands this and that you have now worked things out. Good for you!

Just one more point. For a couple to be 'joined at the hip' is fine as long as both are happy, but if a deep need is not being met and even being vetoed by one partner - that is not healthy for any relationship. It seems to be a natural trait for women to just give up parts of their lives and give in to what their partners want and this usually leads to an unhealthy balance. I do speak from experience. I think the posting by 'brooks' is very good advice - communication and mutual respect are so important.


----------



## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

AFEH said:


> That’s what they do in SE Asia. The wife’s family Is more important than her husband. And her husband knows this because he is from the same culture, SE Asia.
> 
> “I am worried too of unmet marital needs”. That’s the Issue.
> 
> Bob


Ohhh... I must have missed that. I was assuming he wasn't the same culture.

I just felt that she was getting some slightly harsh replies too, and that some of that stemmed from people misunderstanding the cultural constraints.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

AFEH said:


> That’s what they do in SE Asia. The wife’s family Is more important than her husband. And her husband knows this because he is from the same culture, SE Asia.


I don't know how much truth there is in this sweeping generalization. I have been feeling terrible myself and just trying to overcome my feelings so that I can balance all relationships.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

lillyr said:


> the reason you have posted is to try to understand the situation more and come to a good decision.


 this was exactly my motive and I have been made to feel miserable by some ....
Now, I too think that this could be a reason:

_I have found that people who haven't had a happy family life may have a hard time understanding this. _

Yes, I'm trying to speak out with hubby and looks like he has understood now. Now, i'm the one feeling all stressed out thinking how he will manage alone...:scratchhead:
My husabnd is very very understanding..just that wen i first broke the news..he was little dull...he seems fine now...


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> that some of that stemmed from people misunderstanding the cultural constraints.


well,thank you for ur kind words,anyway....i was being judged so strongly that it broke my heart...things are better now and i will keep u all posted on the developments:smthumbup:


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi luvmydarling,
A few years ago our son’s wedding was coming up, it was in another country in Europe. My wife announced she was flying out two weeks before the wedding day to stay with our soon to be daughter in law. Of course I didn’t have a problem with that. What I did have a problem with though is that my wife, daughter-in-law and her parents had all discussed this together and I wasn’t included in the discussions and planning, I was just “told”. Two weeks, no big deal, I just let it go though I was upset at the time.

Perhaps that’s why your husband felt the way he did. Perhaps he too expected you to talk together about your trip and plan it along with you instead of it just being “announced”. If that is what hurt your husband, little treats go a very long way to repair any damage done.

Bob


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which is all we have kept saying - that you talk to him and let him HELP you determine how long you'll be gone, rather than just TELLING him what you're doing.

I'm sorry if you think that's being judgmental, but you came here and asked, and that is the advice we gave. But you didn't want to hear it; you wanted to be told you had the right to do things the way you want - and you ended up getting what you want anyway - 3 months. 

No one here is saying you should avoid your family; only that you consider your husband FIRST because you made a vow to be one with him.


----------



## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Ok. I just read through this thread. I'm just going to say it. You are making a big mistake leaving your husband of 1 year for 3 months. The first two years of marriage are by far the hardest. Many many people give up during this time. I would not have it. I'm sorry. I would not let my husband leave for 3 months now and we have been married 5 years. No way. I would be so hurt that he would even want to. It would create a canyon between us. You are selfish for leaving. You do not need 3 months, you do not need 2 months, you do not need 1 month. You need maybe 2 weeks. Why would you need a vacation from your husband after 1 year. You are not thinking at all. You are going to leave him unhappy and miserable and then you are going to come back to this board in 6 months posting in the coping with infidelity section because your husband met someone else while you were on "vacation" from your marriage for 3 months. Wake up. This is your marriage, the man you promised to love for the rest of your life. Take care of him. Respect him. Love him. His needs should trump your families needs. Why hurt him like this? You could very well come to regret this someday. Your family will always love you and they will understand that you cannot leave your husband of one year for 3 months. What do you think he is going to do during this time? Men have needs. He is going to start looking at porn and that will lead to thinking of other women. I've learned recently that no marriage is safe from an affair. There are other women who are attracted to your husband. I would almost bet money on that. They are going to sympathize with him too because they aren't going to understand why you left him alone for 3 months. They will try to comfort him. In the other women's eyes, you abandoned your husband. They aren't going to give a rat's patoot about you meaning they won't feel bad if they pursue your husband while your gone. It's not like you are in the military and you are getting deployed. You are choosing to leave your H knowing he is uncomfortable and hurt by it. I can only explain your decision by believing that you just want to escape. You aren't happy. You want to run back to your family because you are bored and marriage isn't what you thought it would be. It's hard work. You need to be fighting for your marriage right now. It's new and vulnerable.


----------



## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Unfrotunately in my opinion this is a case of luvmydarling's 

->I<- want, ->I<- want **foot stomping**.

Sorry, luvmydarling 

Being apart for 3 months for non-business related reasons, especially that early into a relationship, is according to me waaay too much.

In my opinion a person going away on, let's face it, a vacation and is leaving a working spouse behind for that long may trigger a feeling of resentment/some form of envy/jealousy.

My Husband had to leave me in Europe for close to 4 months and go to Asia for strictly business related reasons (we are self-employed), yet despite that I kinda sorta felt resentful for awhile even though I myself knew that feeling this way towards my Husband was completely unfair (Sure, you go away on business but still there is room for some form of relaxing away from the constant daily grind, if you know what I mean).

Your Husband, by coming around to your way of thinking, may have simply buried that *envy*, for now. Great for you, temporarily, because you got what you wanted. He is from your culture, so he should understand the family visiting reasons, he is Asian so he should undestand even the economic reasons behind you being away in your country for 3 months. 

But the part about you going away for so long to your home country on "a vacation", because you can as you are otherwise not engaged at work, whereas he can't take such a long leave, is.. well, unfair.


----------



## jhef83 (Jun 7, 2010)

My wife's a week into a 2 week trip. I was hurt that she wanted to spend time away from me. Maybe I was being selfish but it felt like a slap in the face. She said she needed a break. She probably does but I guess I don't. Well she'll have had her break so I hope to see some improvement in her treatment of me. Her "thing" this year has been doing things that don't involve me. That's not going to be acceptable too much longer. Hope she gets it out of her system. I'm sure your husband's thinking the same way. I'll let you slide this time, but this better not be the start of a trend. Feeling left out is a very bad feeling, not something you do to your best friend.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

Hello Everyone,
I'd like to thank each one of you for being a part of my decision.Well, here's what I have decided:
I too felt 3 month is very long a break for me. People try to not do it for business reasons too, and I 'm doing it for pleasure. I felt very guilty. I could not see my husband feel left out and all lonely. At the same time, I need to see my family too. I've decided on 3 weeks and we both are very happy with it. 3 weeks will give us the right 'break' without pushing us away or distancing us from each other. I saw that we were mentally moving away from each other thinking odf how we would be without each other in this break. I realized that my husband is my emotional support and BEST friend now, so how could I leave him that long? He is more than happy with my decision.

LEt me know your thoughts 

Thanks again.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If you are both happy and comfortable with the decision then it's the right decision.

You've both learnt about compromise ... and sacrifice. Again well done to you both. You've also learnt about negotiation all magical things in a marriage.

You've also learnt to seek outside help. You've learnt of different views and how others would handle similar situations. You've listened to that advice, taken it on board and actually applied it to your relationship with your husband.

And as you went along this hiccup and worked on it you additionally kept at an absolute minimum any resentment that may have occurred from the non negotiated 3 month trip. That’s a very big accomplishment in and of itself.

And all this within the first year of your marriage. Reckon you two should recognise all this and give yourselves a Very Big Treat.

I'm so pleased for you both.

Bob


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Good job!


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Runawaytrain said:


> Ok. I just read through this thread. I'm just going to say it. You are making a big mistake leaving your husband of 1 year for 3 months. The first two years of marriage are by far the hardest. Many many people give up during this time. I would not have it.


You wouldn't LET him?!?! He needs to ask your permission to visit his family?!? 

This whole board if ****ing depressing. Do people really think that marriage is about guarding your spouse so they don't wander off? She doesn't NEED 3 months to visit the family of her birth half a world away? Marriage is somehow supposed to supersede all other relationships. You would be all hurt because your husband wants to see his brothers and sisters? Who the hell are you to tell her what she needs?

If people spent half the time trying to meet the needs of their spouse, supporting their spouse and making their spouse happy rather than looking to protect their own needs, demand more and more for themselves and think that they can stop their spouse from wandering by watching their cell phones and whatnot the whole entire section on sex and infidelity would be completely empty.

Peace out of this stupid board.

S


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

AFEH said:


> If you are both happy and comfortable with the decision then it's the right decision.
> 
> You've both learnt about compromise ... and sacrifice. Again well done to you both. You've also learnt about negotiation all magical things in a marriage.
> 
> ...


thank you for your kind words. I can't tell how relieved I am to have made this decision. Ultimately, we are happy too.


----------



## luvmydarling (Jul 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> I agree. Good job!


Thank you


----------

