# New member, I messed up. Need advice.



## Sunshine0809

Hi - I'm new to this so please bear with me. I need some advice on how to fix my marriage. I have been married to literally the world's most amazing man for a year and a half. He's sweet, caring, funny, loving and charming. I am lucky to have him...for now...

A few months ago, a male friend of mine and I had a deep conversation on a work trip and we kind of felt some feelings. Nothing happened, but we started communicating via email and text about some pretty deep stuff. Recently, I sent him some provocative pictures of myself via text. Today, my husband found those texts. He is currently locked in the bedroom and not speaking to me, telling me that he isn't sure this relationship is going to work. 

I don't know why I sent them, nor do I understand why I am feeling attracted to another man. My husband provides me with everything I need emotionally. I am a horrible, hateful jerk and I'm so confused as to why I would put myself in this position. I'm assuming this is infidelity (even though nothing physical has happened).

I don't know where to go from here. This is one of those deal-breaker situations for him. I spent a few hours begging him to come talk and now I'm trying to respect his feelings and leave him alone. I'm just not sure if this relationship is salvageable but I'd like some solid advice on how to make these next few days count to gain forgiveness. I'm afraid he's going to divorce me...he already said he'd never look at me the same and he can't trust me (obviously I don't blame him). Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.


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## EleGirl

He is reacting in a very normal manner. It will take him a long time to forgive you if he ever does. Generally it takes the betrayed spouse 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. This is a hard road you wil be on.

Ho wlong have the two of you been married?

It's not that this was 'just' and emotional affair. You crossed the line into providing the pictures... this it was well on the way to becoming physical.

So what do you do now?

Your husband has to first decide if he even wants to try to fix your marriage. Whatever you do during this time, DO NOT have any communications with other man (OM).

To recover from your affair, you will have to end all contact with the OM. This is done by you writing him a letter telling him that it's over, that you will have no further contact with him.. that what you did to your husband was cruel.

Then if you work with this guy you have to quit your job. Your husband will never believe that you have ended contact if you work with the OM. And let's face it, how do you end contact with a person you work with?

If the OM is married or has a girlfriend, she has to be told as she has the right to decide what she wants to allow in her life. You husband as the right to tell her. Do not argue with him if he decideds to do this.

Is the OM in a position of authority over you at work? An important question for sure.
You need to become 100% transparent with your husband. Give him the passwords to all of your personal online accounts and computer and your cell phone. Tell him that he is allowed to check your accounts any time he wants to. Tell him that he can install a Keystroke logger on your computer.

Only after you have been trustworthy for a long time (2 years or so) will he start to trust you again.

Your husband will ask you about your affair over and over. He will ask the same questions over and over. You need to be 100% honest and open. Tell him the complete truth. If you trickle the truth he will become convinced that you cannot be trusted.I know that here you said that you did not have sex with this guy. But if you did you better tell your husband. The truth always comes out. Tell what you did do.

This is the start of how you start to rebuild your credibility with our husband.


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## Jellybeans

What is the "pretty deep" stuff you texted? Expand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunshine0809

Thanks for the advice. I know he is going to be mad for a long time...I just want to know how to approach him going forward. I'm a big communicator - and over the course of our 3 1/2 year relationship, he's been much better at communicating. Now he's just shut down. I obviously want to give him his space - but this is a critical time and I don't want to lose the opportunity to try and work on things. I am a relatively stable person but when he said he wasn't sure if he could stay with me, I lost it. As much as this is hard to believe, my marriage means the world to me. And I am having a hard time understanding why I behaved in such a horrible manner. I just don't know what to say over the next few days.

As for work, we don't work "together," per se...we have similar jobs but don't work for the same company. It'll be very easy to avoid him going forward, so that I'm not worried about. All I want is my husband back. How do you cope when you know it's all your fault?


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## Jellybeans

Do not suffocate your husband now. Give him space as be requested. Because your marriage is so young, its very likely he may decide to terminate it. You did this because you wanted to. Own that first. What did the messages say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Stop looking for additional validation from this guy. Subconciuosly the OM is validating you! 

For some reason you need confirmation that you are a good person, but you behave in such a way that confirms what you *think* you are. 

You know it wrong but some were down the road you ingraved this idea that it is all you are good for. " I was told I was bad and now I'm acting bad and I don't know why" I hope this makes some kind of sence for you and you look in to why your actions don't represent who you want to be.


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## Affaircare

One of the first things you are going to have to wrap your mind around is that when you married your husband, you made a promise to forsake all others. Now you may not have used those exact words, but the sentiment was there: him and him alone from now on until you die. So that means you promised him 100% of your affection and your loyalty. 

So #1--you need to wrap your mind around the fact that you are not ever, *EVER *going to be able to communicate or contact the Other Man again. To save your marriage and honor the promises you made to your husband, you owe him 100% and nothing less...so you will need to tell the Other Man goodbye and probably all the "friends" you have who know "him and you". You will not be able to email him, IM him, cell him, or even find out about him from one of the "friends" (like "hey how's he doing?"). What is required now is a 100% clean cut ... and it is going to hurt and you'll probably feel bad for a little while... but it's like surgery to remove a tumor. Yes, the sharp cut of the surgeon's knife does hurt, and removing the tumor leaves "a hole" but the tumor will kill you!! 

Again, #1--You will need to never, *Ever*, EVER contact the Other Man again. That is not a "friendship" and you can't continue it. It's over. 

#2--Your husband built his world on the fact that you were trustworthy, so the foundation he built his world on has been shattered. Imagine if the thing you had built YOUR world on suddenly shattered! So he's in a world of hurt. 

From this point out, not only do you NEED to give up the Other Man, but you need to open up yourself and your life and your actions so that your husband can see what you're doing, who you're doing it with, what you said, etc. Think of it this way: you and your husband were meant to be "one" right? That means INTIMACY and not just sexually but also emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. The job of being married means "I will get to know you intimately (closely...deeply) and I will let you know ME intimately." So you be what I call "Transparent." That's where you are see-through enough that he can see the True You. And if the True You has an issue being lonely or seeking attention or whatever it is...you turn to HIM and show HIM your true thoughts and feelings. 

In addition, some easy "transparency" things are things like this: Let him see your cell phone. Let him see your emails. Give him your usernames and passwords. Let him check on you a little. And as time goes by and your words match your actions (you ARE where you say you're going to be...doing what you said you were going to do), then there's a chance for his trust to rebuild. 

If you choose to continue to hide things, or decide he can't handle the truth and keep trying to cover things up--be sure of this. He WILL find it...he WILL find out...and when he does your marriage will be killed!!!

Soooo, it's up to you. End ALL contact with the Other Man tonight and willingly offer transparency...and you may have a chance. Refuse either and you may as well go file for divorce tomorrow morning.


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## Sunshine0809

As for the "pretty deep stuff," it was about our current life situations (work, relationships, etc). Namely, my husband and I have had trouble getting pregnant and he and his wife went through a similar situation. It's caused a lot of sexual stress on my life and it was nice to talk to an unbiased third party (at the time). I know it was inappropriate to discuss this with someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't close to but it just happened.


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## EleGirl

Sunshine0809 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I know he is going to be mad for a long time...I just want to know how to approach him going forward. I'm a big communicator - and over the course of our 3 1/2 year relationship, he's been much better at communicating. Now he's just shut down. I obviously want to give him his space - but this is a critical time and I don't want to lose the opportunity to try and work on things. I am a relatively stable person but when he said he wasn't sure if he could stay with me, I lost it. As much as this is hard to believe, my marriage means the world to me. And I am having a hard time understanding why I behaved in such a horrible manner. I just don't know what to say over the next few days.
> 
> As for work, we don't work "together," per se...we have similar jobs but don't work for the same company. It'll be very easy to avoid him going forward, so that I'm not worried about. All I want is my husband back. How do you cope when you know it's all your fault?


I can only guess on this since I've never been in your shoes.

My guess is that you stay around until he comes out of his cave. Search on the internet about what a cheating spouse should do, the feelings and how to deal with them.

You are very interested in what you need to do. So far you have not really ask about the horrible pain your husband is going through. Maybe you should but some effort into thinking about what his happening to him emotionally and physically.

Are you preparing meals for him? He might now want to eat... something light like soups for example might be good.

When I found out about my husband's affair I hardly ate for about 2 weeks. I could not go to work. I could not talke to anyone. It was horrible. It was right up there with the pain I felt when my twin infants died... that is the level of pain you have visited on your husband. 

So what can you do for him instead of wondering what you can do to save yourself?


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## warlock07

Where are you from?


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## Will_Kane

First thing you need to do is choose your husband. Not just tell him you choose him. Show him. Write a letter to the other man and tell him you want no contact with him ever again. Let your husband contact his wife or girlfriend and expose what has happened. Do not resist this. The more enthusiastic about getting rid of the OM you are, the more likely your husband will be to get over this. Your willingness to throw the OM under the bus might be the most important thing you can do to win back your husband.

Second thing. Maybe a tie for first thing. Complete honesty. If your husband finds out later that you lied about any aspect or are holding back any details (lie of omission), your credibility will be shot and you most likely won't get another chance. Show your husband all of your emails and texts. If you've deleted them, try to find a way to recover them. If this means giving your phone or computer to a technician to see if the emails/texts can be recovered, do it.

Third thing. Also maybe a tie for first thing and second thing. If you and OM took a work trip together, your husband is not going to believe you didn't have sex. Especially if your texts and emails talked about how much you wanted to have sex and what you would do to each other. Even more so if you told OM how much you loved OM. Even more so if you badmouthed your husband or your marriage to OM.

Fourth thing. Quit your job. If you can't quit immediately for financial reasons, go to HR and tell them what is going on and get assigned job duties that will leave you no contact with OM and begin looking for another job immediately.

Fifth thing. Give up your communication devices for the time being. Tell your husband you want him to have them and he can give them back to you when he feels he is ready. At the same time, give him all passwords to accounts you use to communicate with OM.

Sixth thing. With all of the above. Attitude is of extreme importance. Doing these things grudgingly will not win back your husband. Doing these things while showing remorse for the pain you have caused and in order to help your husband get past that pain will go a long way.

Last thing I can think of right now. Any loyalty you show to OM right now will push your husband away. Say only negative things about OM to your husband.


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## EleGirl

Sunshine0809 said:


> As for the "pretty deep stuff," it was about our current life situations (work, relationships, etc). Namely, my husband and I have had trouble getting pregnant and he and his wife went through a similar situation. It's caused a lot of sexual stress on my life and it was nice to talk to an unbiased third party (at the time). I know it was inappropriate to discuss this with someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't close to but it just happened.


Ouch, that is some very personal stuff for you to be telling some guy you hardly know and who your husband does not know at all. 

Don't be surprised if your husband feels very betrayed that you shared such personal info with this guy. Men are very sensitve about such things.


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## ing

Hi. First of all, well done for making it here. It is a very supportive place for all concerned but you will get attacked if you try and minimise the affair. It is betrayal which is worse than death for your H. 

You need to take a step back at the moment and think about what you really did. Only you can know how deep you got in, how much you shared that you should not have and how much you wanted him.
Your husband is right now questioning every part of your relationship. He is looking though the entire marriage and wondering if anything you have ever said is real. 

" How could she do this if she loved me?"
" What is wrong with me that she talked to this guy, sent him naked photos?" 

Why? What is it that is driving you?
Why?
Why?

Stay in constant contact with you H. Nothing you do should be a mystery. If you want to have a chance at your marriage you are going to have to sacrifice your privacy for a LONG TIME.
Starting now.
Leave your phone around, open and unlocked.
Leave your email open
Leave your FB open.
If you get a call, say who it is to your H.
When the OM texts [he will] tell your husband immediately.
Block his number.
If you have to go to the shops. Take your phone, when you get back leave it out. Take the minimum time possible.
Think about your H. Small acts of love. All day.


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## Sunshine0809

Obviously, I feel horrible and the reason I am posting is because I am not sure how to handle my husband's feelings...he is so genuine and nice and I want to make the few words I do say count. He's very close to his family - it surprised me that he didn't turn to his sisters tonight by calling them. I know I made a HUGE mistake - one that I will regret forever...I am aware of what needs to be done. The OM and I don't speak all that often anyway. And my husband can access my information any time he chooses...I have no issue with that and I told him that already. I just want to know how to approach him when he leaves, when he comes home, at night when we're at the house, etc. What should I say to make him understand how sorry I am? Would anyone suggest counseling (either alone or together)? Again, thanks.


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## the guy

So how many kids does the OM have?


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## ing

If all these posts look over the top and a bit mad it is because right now you have a chance to maybe save your marriage. This is very much a pro-marriage site so don't be put off. 
An affair [EA] is like a nuclear bomb. There is the initial blast which obliterates everything you knew, and then there is the fallout.
Stay with us. Most of us here have either been in your shoes or on the other side..


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## Will_Kane

_As for the "pretty deep stuff," it was about our current life situations (work, relationships, etc). *Namely, my husband and I have had trouble getting pregnant and he and his wife went through a similar situation.* It's caused a lot of sexual stress on my life and it was nice to talk to an unbiased third party (at the time). I know it was inappropriate to discuss this with someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't close to but it just happened._

No husband is going to get upset about this type of discussion about infertility problems. These are clinical type problems. Sperm count. Ovulation. Maybe a little embarrasing for a stranger to know about, not so much when it's someone else going through the same thing.

*"we started communicating via email and text about some pretty deep stuff. Recently, I sent him some provocative pictures of myself via text."*

How does this work? You (to OM): "_Me and hubby had a doctor's appointment about our infertility. He wants to do some tests on my husband_." OM: "_That happened to us, too_." You: "_Would you like me to send you some naked pictures of myself?"_

*"it just happened"*

It didn't just happen. You made a choice to talk about it.

From my perspective, your story has a lot of holes in it and doesn't really make any sense.


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## the guy

'all that often' 

change that to 'never'

it will help

the OM is the enemy to your marriage, and treat him as such!

This mind set will selve you well!


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## Sunshine0809

ing- thank you so much - I appreciate you letting me know that this is a pro-marriage site. I completely acknowledge that I screwed up, I just want to know if anyone has experience reconciling after carrying on in an inappropriate manner and if so, the steps they took to make that happen.


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## Sunshine0809

And Will (I would quote, but I don't know how) - it was over the course of a few months. We had the discussion one evening at a dinner where we were placed at the same table (work-related). We had been acquaintances before and the discussion came up over a few drinks at dinner. We've kept in contact over the past few months and the conversations have obviously been a little more involved than just the infertility thing...that was just what sparked the communication. I'm not at all being defensive (as I know I am at fault), I am just trying to explain.


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## ing

1. Yes, get into counselling both Individual and Marriage. You almost certainly will fail without a skilled MC to guide you.

2. Own it. It didn't "just happen" you decided to do it. This is really hard to face and something many DS simply can not. Denial is a powerful thing. 
Your H needs you to own the affair. IC and MC will help here but today and the next weeks are critical. You must say.
"Yes I did this, I chose to hurt you, and I am sorry"
3. You H is going to be a wreck.
The person he loves
The person who just stabbed him in he heart
The person who he needs to come to for support.
The person who betrayed him.
The person who he can no longer trust.

This is not to bash you! Him accepting anything off you may be difficult. Keep offering, keep doing those things and hold him if he want you to. Your going to have to do 95% of everything at the moment. He is in denial just as you are now.


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## Will_Kane

Tell your husband: "I'm sorry. I made some very bad decisions over the past few months and acted in a way I'm now very sorry for."

Do not say: "I'm sorry. It just happened."

Shower your husband with attention. Even if he brushes it off, keep it up. Make him feel very desired. Whatever level of desire your husband saw in your emails to OM, triple it for your husband. Be available to him sexually. He may want to reclaim his territory. He will be questioning himself and your feelings for him. Your actions will speak louder than your words because you have in his mind now been lying to him (by omission) for the last few months.


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## Complexity

How can you go from talking about pregnancy issues to sending inappropriate pictures of yourself? and you say he's married too? wow

Sorry but you're not dependable or a person to have any trust in. To do this only 1 year and a 1/2 into the marriage is a massive red flag to what you'd be capable of in the future.


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## AngryandUsed

He is betrayed atleast emotionally. 

He will take his time to come to terms with what you have done. You say he is charming, fun loving etc. This will make him recoup faster, and this depends on how honest, transparent and truthful you are.

IMHO, he has observed you for some time .... as you have been flirting or emotionally involved with your OM.

Now that you understand the pain you have caused, do repent in action. He will see your repentence and reconcile.

Open your heart to him, what you did is wrong, dont put blame on him.


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## bryanp

I am sorry but things don't just happen. You wanted these things to happen. You not only talked about very personal relationship issues about your husband with another man, but you went on to send him provocative pictures as well. Please do not say you did not know why you did it because you know why quite well.

If the roles were reversed would you accept your husband's explanation as simply now knowing why he sent prvacative pictures? You sent the pictures because you wanted a specific reaction from this OM. This is exactly what your husband is thinking. You have self-destructed maybe just temporarily a wonderful relationship with your husband. Your husband feels demeaned and totally disrespect from you. You were willing to risk everything for some ego enhancement from another man. You are correct that your husband will probably never see you in the same light he saw you previously but it was indeed your choice and you clearly were willing to risk it.


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## Jellybeans

Do not call it a mistake or say it just happened. Because it wasn't and it didn't. Whatever your husband tells you he needs from you, do it. Try putting yourself in his shoes. You broke his trust and his heart. You say he was always there emotionally for you so do u feel anything was lacking in your marriage? Or was anything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunshine0809

Thank you all so much - I have definitely owned it, most importantly in front of him...I didn't fight, I didn't deny, I didn't yell when he yelled at me. I will absolutely do whatever I can to make him feel loved, desired, etc... And I made an appointment with an LMHC online for this week. We just rarely fight so his anger for something so devious and hurtful is something I don't know how to handle correctly. I hate myself and my actions right now...not just because I got caught - I have hated the few times I did this. But I know it's not about me and my feelings now...I need to be there for him. He did tell me he was going to come home after work tomorrow, although he has moved a lot of his stuff into the guest room for now. We've never spent a night in separate rooms. I hate myself. I just don't know what to do. Thanks again for all of your thoughts.


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## Jellybeans

How long was the affair? Did your husband suspect at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

Sunshine0809 said:


> He did tell me he was going to come home after work tomorrow, although he has moved a lot of his stuff into the guest room for now. We've never spent a night in separate rooms. I hate myself. I just don't know what to do. Thanks again for all of your thoughts.


He is going to yell and cry a lot. he is going to look really unattractive. He needs you to do what you are doing. Your doing okay. This is going to be a long haul. 

I have felt what your H is feeling and I wish my wife had come here, which is why we should be supportive guys! It sounds like you are willing to do the work and that is not a small step.

Something to do which you may not have thought about. Make sure your H has access to your phone account and do speak to HR about being away from the guy. 
You will need to change jobs. It is part of the very high "Stupid Tax" you have to pay I am afraid.


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## Sunshine0809

Jellybeans - you bring up a good point...I am not sure if something was lacking. I guess that is why I am going to see a counselor. I'm just hoping he will eventually agree to join me or at least go on his own so we can try and work through this. The OM and I have been talking for a few months, maybe three at most, and it was not a daily, regular thing. It was on and off, not that that makes a difference.


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## EleGirl

ing said:


> He is going to yell and cry a lot. he is going to look really unattractive. He needs you to do what you are doing. Your doing okay. This is going to be a long haul.
> 
> I have felt what your H is feeling and I wish my wife had come here, which is why we should be supportive guys! It sounds like you are willing to do the work and that is not a small step.
> 
> Something to do which you may not have thought about. Make sure your H has access to your phone account and do speak to HR about being away from the guy.
> You will need to change jobs. It is part of the very high "Stupid Tax" you have to pay I am afraid.


She does not work with him on a normal basis.He's not at her company.


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## EleGirl

Sunshine0809 said:


> Jellybeans - you bring up a good point...I am not sure if something was lacking. I guess that is why I am going to see a counselor. I'm just hoping he will eventually agree to join me or at least go on his own so we can try and work through this. The OM and I have been talking for a few months, maybe three at most, and it was not a daily, regular thing. It was on and off, not that that makes a difference.


Have you let the OM know that your husband knows?


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## ing

EleGirl said:


> She does not work with him on a normal basis.He's not at her company.


OOps, I will go and find my glasses, again..


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## Jellybeans

Ele, hope not. Because that would mean she hasn't broken off contact w her affair partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunshine0809

No, I have not contacted the OM. It's done, no more contact. And I can very easily avoid him at work stuff, as we literally see each other three times a year and I can busy myself with my other work colleagues.


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## bandit.45

You still haven't explained the "provacative" pics and why you sent them. My guess is there was at least some preliminary "sexting" and flirting going on that probably developed later on in the online affair.

When my wife met her affair partner at a conference, they immediately began the exact same kind of online comuunicating that you and this guy were doing. For the first month it was innocent, talking about work and politics and fave movies and stuff.

Then it evolved into talking about feelings and hopes and dreams and how I wasn't cutting the mustard as a husband. Then by the end of the second month it was open flirting and within weeks after that X-rated sexting, nude pics, and full blown cyberf*cking.

This is where you were headed Sunshine. Face it, you made choices to expose yourself emotionally and physically, by way of pics, to this man who you owe nothing to. 

I believe you did it simply because it was naughty, dangerous and exciting. You liked the attention being showered on you by a man you barely knew and had no investment in.

For you and your hubby to ever have complete closure you need to come clean to yourself and to him why you did these things. If you don't, and you do not figure out how to satisfy these needs in yourself, you are doomed to repeat the same mistake again.


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## ing

bandit.45 said:


> For you and your hubby to ever have complete closure you need to come clean to yourself and to him why you did these things. If you don't, and you do not figure out how to satisfy these needs in yourself, you are doomed to repeat the same mistake again.


IC and MC. I know you aren't too keen on it bandit, but if done right, it can be more effective than a punch to the head by a pro boxer


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## Sunshine0809

Bandit - I agree...I need to understand why this was happening. Did I like the attention? Yes. But the question is "why?" As I mentioned, I'm going to get counseling and I'm hoping to uncover the reason. I'm not one to be attracted to danger or naughty things so I'm not sure why I was doing this. However, that is going to be a process. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with my husband now.


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## bandit.45

ing said:


> IC and MC. I know you aren't too keen on it bandit, but if done right, it can be more effective than a punch to the head by a pro boxer


I agree with you halfway. I am in IC right now with a PTSD secialist. I spent close to three years and $20k on MC back in 1994 to 1997 after my wife's first affair. It worked! We had a great counselor who made my wife face what she did and helped me with the trauma. Problem was, my wife never felt true remorse for her affair, and after about six years we lapsed right back into our routine. 

Well you know the rest of the story.

Sunshine needs counseling to help her learn skills to avoid landing in the same situation and how to help her husband heal. But she doesn't need a couselor to tell her why she did what she did. She knows why.


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## EleGirl

Sunshine0809 said:


> Bandit - I agree...I need to understand why this was happening. Did I like the attention? Yes. But the question is "why?" As I mentioned, I'm going to get counseling and I'm hoping to uncover the reason. I'm not one to be attracted to danger or naughty things so I'm not sure why I was doing this. However, that is going to be a process. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with my husband now.


I have a theory about affairs... this seems to be especially true for people who cheat today.

We live in a society that worships instant gratification, love… as in new head over heels exciting love), we feel that we have to be happy all the time. Our society also seems to put a very high value on others making up happy… instead of each of us taking responsibility for our own happiness. It’s all about the thrill and passion in love that that this is more valuable than the long term, more quiet love that goes in a long term marriage.

Infidelity is more common in the younger generations today… those who were raised with more of the above values.

My bet is that you got involved in your EA simply because it feels good emotionally to be in that new love and exploring something new phase. It probably just made you feel alive again.

I would love to have that feeling again… every day as a matter of fact. But I don’t think that’s possible in a long term marriage. Those feelings are based on chemicals that your brain produce to help make two humans bound and breed. That’s why such relationships move to sex over time… breeding it THE reason for those feelings.. it’s nature’s reason for making our body chemistry work the way it does.


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## EleGirl

Sunshine0809 said:


> No, I have not contacted the OM. It's done, no more contact. And I can very easily avoid him at work stuff, as we literally see each other three times a year and I can busy myself with my other work colleagues.


YOu do still need to write him a no contact letter... with your husband being there. And your husband needs to mail it to the OM.

If you see this guy 3 times a year... 3 times a year your husband it going to fall apart with worry. 

How will you handle this? Not travel where the OM is? Have your husband travel with you?


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## Saffron

Fyi . . . traveling for work makes an environment ripe for affairs. It's too easy to compartmentalize the affair behavior from everyday life. Plus it creates too many situations where you socialize and interact with the opposite sex outside of actual work. After a long day at a seminar or on a job, the "out-of-towners" usually unite and relax with dinner. While enjoying a few drinks together to unwind, boundaries get crossed. Not to mention being out of town makes it very easy to slip to someone else's hotel room. There's no spouse waiting for you to come home or to ask where you've been all evening. 

To stay with your husband and help him heal, you may need to consider getting a job where you do not travel. Ever. Knowing you met your affair partner while on a work related trip, will most likely cause your H to trigger whenever you travel. If you work in an industry that requires travel, this may be a deal breaker for your H. It may take years before he'd trust you enough to be okay with you traveling for work again.

Start thinking, what's more important . . . your job/career or your marriage, because you may need to choose.

Remember to be 100% HONEST with your husband. Do not sugar coat the details of the affair. If you sent inappropriate pics six times, don't lie and say three times. Nothing does more damage to a marriage after infidelity than the trickle truth. The continued lying after a betrayal is almost as hurtful if not more hurtful than the actual betrayal. Deception by ommision is also a lie, so don't use loopholes in phrasing to avoid telling the truth. The truth is incredibly painful, but it hurts more to be lied too.

Good luck and be there for your husband, even if it's sitting queitly in the other room. For him to know you're not off doing something questionable probably helps in some odd way.


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## Riverside MFT

Sunshine0809 said:


> Would anyone suggest counseling (either alone or together)? Again, thanks.


Yes, counseling is very important in this situation. You do need to make sure you find a good counselor though. Go here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/29220-signs-good-marriage-counselor.html if you need any suggestions on finding a good marriage counselor.


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## 5stringpicker

Lets see Sunshine, a few months ago, you had deep conversations with a male friend, kind of felt some feelings, sent him provocative pictures. Sounds like the next step was in the works to me. Like my great uncle Andre Ruppell from New Iberia Louisiana would say, " I tink dos two done headed down dat road for a paresous liaison." Why don't you just tell your husband, “Don’t take this personally, baby, but I've been getting into some heavy talk and sending lewd pictures of myself to another male behind your back. Please forgive me and love me more!” 

The truth is that yes, your relationship with your husband is permanently damaged. But I’ll do my best to save it. First you need to be honest about why you wanted to play with fire. I think something is missing in you or your marriage. The excitement is not what it used to be, is it? And you were opting for this opportunity to feel that excitement again? As good as your husband is, he's no challenge is he?
That said, once he's talking to you again you’re going to have to take a beating every time there’s a disagreement about anything. You’re going to hear about the crappy thing you did. 
He'll probably be tempted to cheat on you just to make sure you really feel it. So you're going to think about all those hot and flirty women that might want to hear the story about his problems with his wife's shenanigans. Every time he dredges it up, you have to say, “I'm sorry baby, it will never happen again.” if he decides to stay with you. 
Because he was burned, he can’t give you what you had before this discovery. With time, good behavior and your ability to endure the punishment he may allow his trust and respect to get up to 80%. But it will never go to what it was. And there’s a good chance he will never be able to get over it. It depends on the individual man. Best of luck to you sunshine. You’re going to need it.


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## TRy

If you want a second chance, the number one thing that you need to do is make it possible for him to take you back while allowing him took keep his dignity and self respect. There is no one specif thing to do to achieve this, but keep his dignity and self respect in mind while you follow the many good ideas that have already been posted here. For example when he yells at you, do not yell back but allow yourself to be hurt by what he is saying; you being hurt shows that he matters to you. Feel his pain and show true remorse. Let him vent his anger on you and no matter how many times he repeats himself do not tell him you have already heard it before. Keep interacting with him as he vents, so that he knows that you are hearing him. Over time he will do it less and less as he gets it out of his system.

The very fact that you care enough to be here asking is a good sign. There are many on this site that wish that their cheating spouse cared like you appear to. I do not normally say encouraging things to cheaters, but in your case I wish you luck.


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## ing

I just thought.. Your H is probably wondering what you are doing on the computer! 
I think in your case, and I would rarely say this, you should show him this thread. It shows a willingness to do what it takes and although you have made a few really ****ty decisions recently you seem to genuinely want to try and fix them.


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## Sunshine0809

TRy - thank you for the encouraging words. I appreciate them. And ing - I plan to show him this thread.

An update - he just left the house and didn't speak a word to me. I went outside and sat in his car for about 10 minutes. I think he's more mad this morning than he was last night. He told me he honestly can't tell me if we're going to make it and he said it in a very angry tone. He's still wearing his wedding ring, so I'm hoping that is a good time. He moved all of his stuff to the guest room and told me he can't hang out with me. I so desperately want to make this better. I can't lose him. 

He's a very, very sensitive person and I know this cut him to the core. He told me he doesn't believe a word I say and he can't trust me, which I understand right now. I just wish I knew how to make this better. I'm a wreck (and I know I deserve to be). This was never intended to be anything more than what it was - I had no plans to see him or make plans to see him. I know that's also hard for all of you to believe based on your experiences but it was never even discussed. I just need help before I have a nervous breakdown.


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## Halien

Sunshine0809 said:


> I don't know why I sent them, nor do I understand why I am feeling attracted to another man. My husband provides me with everything I need emotionally. .


You don't know why you sent them? Look down. Not all the way to your feet, though. About half way. I'm pretty sure that the OM has a pretty good idea of why you sent them too. You even sanitize the sexual photos you sent by saing that they were provocative, and then try to make it sound like you made the mistake in confiding to a person of the wrong gender. Then, you say that his anger was 'devious'? Are you serious? Already you are sanitizing and de-personalizing what you set out to do when you sent sexually enticing photos of yourself. Until you get a handle on the fact that you did this deliberately, your husband will see how easy it is for you to cross that line. Better yet, let him read your replies and get a true picture of how you are mentally processing this inconvenient event in which he has horrendously overreacted (pun intended).


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## Sunshine0809

Hailen - I meant his anger towards my devious act, not him being devious. Please don't put words in my mouth - I am trying to be open and honest and truly looking for support. And you're right. Obviously it was a physical attraction that caused me to do these things. And I used the word "provocative" not to sanitize the situation, just to get across my point without saying "a picture of my tits." It's far from de-personalizing, it's the most personal type of hurt you can cause someone you love. Again, I am not trying to be defensive. I understand most of the posters on here are on the opposite side of the coin - as in they have been the victims of cheating and devious acts, so I can understand the anger. But I am willing to own it, do whatever it takes. My whole point in posting is to get some advice on what has worked for posters in the past as far as how to get started working on a reconciliation and what the guilty party (me) can do that won't minimalize his hurt or anger while at the same time trying to help heal it. I don't think my husband has overreacted - he has every right to yell, scream, move to another room, threaten to leave, etc. I'm just not going to go down without a fight and I wanted to get some concrete advice on how to do it in a manner that was beneficial and not counter-productive.


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## Chaparral

"As much as this is hard to believe, my marriage means the world to me."

Realistically speaking, no one with half a brain could believe this statement. And that's what you are up against. If you will do this when things are going good what happens in the hard times?


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## Halien

Sunshine0809 said:


> Hailen - I meant his anger towards my devious act, not him being devious. Please don't put words in my mouth - I am trying to be open and honest and truly looking for support. And you're right. Obviously it was a physical attraction that caused me to do these things. And I used the word "provocative" not to sanitize the situation, just to get across my point without saying "a picture of my tits." It's far from de-personalizing, it's the most personal type of hurt you can cause someone you love. Again, I am not trying to be defensive. I understand most of the posters on here are on the opposite side of the coin - as in they have been the victims of cheating and devious acts, so I can understand the anger. But I am willing to own it, do whatever it takes. My whole point in posting is to get some advice on what has worked for posters in the past as far as how to get started working on a reconciliation and what the guilty party (me) can do that won't minimalize his hurt or anger while at the same time trying to help heal it. I don't think my husband has overreacted - he has every right to yell, scream, move to another room, threaten to leave, etc. I'm just not going to go down without a fight and I wanted to get some concrete advice on how to do it in a manner that was beneficial and not counter-productive.


Ahh! But I was trying to give advice. Really. Maybe it is not the intent, but your responses tend to sanitize your actions, but speak with full emotion with his actions. Just like body language, people pick up on dismissive language. I admire the immediate intent to make this right, but people in your husband's position will pick up on language that tries to dilute the harm that you've done. If you can make yourself speak openly and honestly, I really believe that he will intuitively reach out to forgive. If he senses sanitizing language, he will respond with his gut in believing that you don't even know how harmful the actions are. I was hoping to show you how a typical man might reply to such language. If a guy who has never experienced infidelity can see it as artificial, imagine what a hurting man like your husband will hear. Trust me, he knows exactly why you sent those photos, even if you don't. Posing such a half attempt at self analysis as "I don't know why I did it" usually is a way we try to dismiss, or imply that it was a fleeting moment of instanity. That's not the kind of language he needs to hear if you want him to believe that you are really sorry. Just my opinion.


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## bandit.45

> he is so genuine and nice





> He's a very, very sensitive person


Are you married to Mr. Rogers? I find it interesting how you describe your husband. "Nice" is the word that sticks out at me. You use that word alot to describe him.

How would you describe your OM? Is he nice, or is he more masculine, aggressive and assertive than your hubby? 

This man has some traits your husband is lacking, or else you would not be attracted to him. What are they?


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## Sunshine0809

Hailen - thanks a million. I get what you're trying to say now. You're so right - I tend to handle everything like I do when I have a business conflict and I need to deal with this emotionally instead. This isn't a business conflict, this is my life and I royally screwed up. I am going to counseling to understand exactly why I felt the need to reach out sexually to someone else - is it insecurity? Have I not dealt with a situation from my teenage years? Am I just a total selfish ***ch? That's what I need to figure out. 

Bandit - my husband IS nice. And I can see where that would seem like a weird word to describe him, but he really is. Our roles as far as the feminine/masculine energies in our lives tend to be reversed. I am the aggressive, assertive breadwinner and he is the yin to my yang - he's level-headed, introspective and sensitive. Not to say that I don't have sensitivities... We have very similar senses of humor and he's my very best friend. He's not Mr Rogers but definitely the last person in the world who deserved this, and I'm the jerk who did it.


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## bandit.45

> Bandit - my husband IS nice. And I can see where that would seem like a weird word to describe him, but he really is. Our roles as far as the feminine/masculine energies in our lives tend to be reversed. I am the aggressive, assertive breadwinner and he is the yin to my yang - he's level-headed, introspective and sensitive. Not to say that I don't have sensitivities... We have very similar senses of humor and he's my very best friend. He's not Mr Rogers but definitely the last person in the world who deserved this, and I'm the jerk who did it.


Sunshine, I'm going to be blunt with my reply, so don't take this personally.

Women like to marry nice guys. They like to f*ck bad boys. 

I would lay money down that the OM is more of a bad boy than your husband.


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## bandit.45

Oh, and if you are the breadwinner of the family, that is half your problem. Is hubby a house husband? If he is, your marriage is doomed. 

You may be a liberated woman, but this type of arrangement never works. A woman is wired in her DNA to have her husband be the breadwinner, the leader, the anchor. Any deviation from this causes problems. Sorry, but this is the truth, and could be a root problem in your relationship. 



P.S.

EleGirl is gonna kick the sh*t outta me for that statement!


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## Sunshine0809

Bandit - he is not a house husband, he is in the public service field. But he has on more than one occasion mentioned being a stay-at-home-dad when/if we have a kid. He also talked about being my admin asst (I work at home and travel for a sales job)...now that you mention it, both of those comments have been major turn-offs for me. I respect his job and what he does - he certainly doesn't get paid well enough for his efforts. And it shouldn't be all about the money. He is the anchor of the family, and in some situations, he is the leader. It's a very, very interesting insight I will take with me to counseling. I just don't want to beat a horse when he's down. This is my mistake, and I don't want to blame him for something I chose to do.


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## Jellybeans

chapparal said:


> "As much as this is hard to believe, my marriage means the world to me."
> 
> Realistically speaking, no one with half a brain could believe this statement. And that's what you are up against. If you will do this when things are going good what happens in the hard times?


:iagree:

Therapy can guide you but it is not going to answer the questions of why you did what you did. Only you can do that. 

I find it interesting that you say your marriage is good and that your husband is so amazing and wonderful and is the best partner anyone could have. I guess I can't wrap my head around what happened then. Not to justify at all but sometimes when things are going wrong in a marriage or when a partner is unkind/dismissive/neglectful, people may have affairs. It doesn't sound like that was the case with you. 

If you haven't apologized for betraying him, I would start there. And not just "I'm sorry." Because "I'm sorry" doesn't really mean anything. It's just words. You need to explain WHY you are sorry. You need to listen to him and validate what he says. Empathy goes a long way. Maybe you can write him a letter expressing how you feel.

Reconciliation is your husband's choice. It is totally in his hands so no matter what he decides, you need to respect his decision. The ball is entirely in his court now.


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## bryanp

Since your husband said he does not believe anything you say, why don't you offer to take a polygraph (400-500 dollars) to prove you never met the OM and everything you have been telling him is the truth?


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## Sunshine0809

Jellybeans said:


> :i
> I find it interesting that you say your marriage is good and that your husband is so amazing and wonderful and is the best partner anyone could have. I guess I can't wrap my head around what happened then. Not to justify at all but sometimes when things are going wrong in a marriage or when a partner is unkind/dismissive/neglectful, people may have affairs. It doesn't sound like that was the case with you.


I know what you mean - it does seem weird. I'm not sure if it's an insecurity thing, if it's guilt for not being able to have a child, if it's lack of attraction for his complacency or what. I'm not the type to start drama so this is obviously way out of our wheelhouse as a couple. I just hope that I can weed through some of the garbage in order to find the true reason for my deception.


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## Sunshine0809

Bryan - I would be happy to do a polygraph. However, we DID see each other, but nothing has ever happened, just the texts.


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## bandit.45

If the OM is everything your husband is not (i.e. driven, ambitious, masculine, assertive, etc.)then I think you have your answer right there. Women are attracted to these traits in men. You're a woman. Don't overanalyze this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

My wife did pretty much the same to me with her old high school bf,they talked,texted alot and even met up a few times in a pulic place,I couldnt get her to stop till I kicked her out and she learned the OM was a loser that was saying all the right things,she loved the attention.It devestated me,really tore me up bad.Give him some time,answer all his questions,after awhile he will be looking for you to comfort him(oh the irony).Hope he will forgive you,gonna be a rough ride.Wife and I are in our sixth week of R and its going good for the most part but it still hurts like hell to know the person you care about more than anyone in the world could betray you...good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Sunshine0809 said:


> I know what you mean - it does seem weird. I'm not sure if it's an insecurity thing, if it's guilt for not being able to have a child, if it's lack of attraction for his complacency or what. I'm not the type to start drama so this is obviously way out of our wheelhouse as a couple. I just hope that I can weed through some of the garbage in order to find the true reason for my deception.


You keep saying you need to find the "true" reason or any reason or to figure out why you did this, that you need a counselor to help you "see why." 

This is not owning.

This is you trying to find excuses and reasons to explain away what you did. 

Until you can face the fact of what you did, your husband has zero reason to believe you really want to make things work or that you feel bad at all. 

Saying you need to find out "why" is a big slap in the face to him. 

Bandit--don't put the blame of her affair on her husband; he isn't the one who cheated on her. She had a choice and she made it. That is what all this comes down to.


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## Sunshine0809

I don't think therapy is going to "cure" me or help me come up with excuses. I think what I am trying to figure out is why I am making choices that an unhappy woman would make when I am a happy woman. Does that make sense? I'm owning up to the fact that I enjoyed the attention...that much is simple decision-making. What I'm really trying to pinpoint is what is going on in my head? Why am I hurting this great person. In dealing with him at home, I am owning up to it and I'm going to do whatever it takes to fix it. Personally, I just feel like I need to talk it out with someone - and if nothing else, maybe I can find out some good ways to broach it that makes it easier for us to discuss without angering him again so we can actually talk.

Bandit - you have definitely brought up some good points. I'm going to discuss the ambition attraction today and see what I come up with.


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## bandit.45

Not putting the blame on him. But he does own half the problems in the marriage. There is a disconnect between the two of them that has gone undetected and has led her to take the cowards way out by seeking what she wants with another man, rather than tell her husband how she feels about him. 

No, her affair is 100 percent on her and she needs to accept that and come clean with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

bandit.45 said:


> Oh, and if you are the breadwinner of the family, that is half your problem. Is hubby a house husband? If he is, your marriage is doomed.
> 
> You may be a liberated woman, but this type of arrangement never works. A woman is wired in her DNA to have her husband be the breadwinner, the leader, the anchor. Any deviation from this causes problems. Sorry, but this is the truth, and could be a root problem in your relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> P.S.
> 
> EleGirl is gonna kick the sh*t outta me for that statement!


Na Bandit, I will not kick the sh*t out of you 

I never intended to the bread winner in my marriage. I even scaled back my career and ambitions to take care of our children when I married my hubby.

When we married he earned more than I did. I had every intent of letting him be the major bread winner. My husband was the one who decide to sit on his a$$ for years, not get a job and let me support him and his kids.

I wanted him to be the 'leader' he apparently did not want that position either.

So no I have to problem with what you said.


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## sinnister

You seem contrite so there is hope. However I agree wholeheartedly with Jellybeans.

This is a lot less about what your husband is than the choice you made. I'm one of those guys who doesn't see a whole lot of benefit in counselling for these situations.

Some insight into how your husband is feeling? Yes it's betrayal but from the person in the world he thought he would NEVER have to worry about. Right now it's not just that he doesn't trust you, he doesn't feel that he even KNOWS you! You feel like a stranger to him if you can hurt him so deeply. I think that's what he's dealing with.

This is still very raw...so you're going to have to give him some time. Just remember that everybody is different and he's going to have his own way of dealing. We can tell you what may have worked in our own cases but it may not help your case.

Hang in there and be prepared to take what he's dishing out. He may lash out or just completely withdraw. You'll have to give him what he needs to deal.


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## morituri

Sunshine0809 said:


> Bandit - he is not a house husband, he is in the public service field. But he has on more than one occasion mentioned being a stay-at-home-dad when/if we have a kid. He also talked about being my admin asst (I work at home and travel for a sales job)..*.now that you mention it, both of those comments have been major turn-offs for me.* I respect his job and what he does - he certainly doesn't get paid well enough for his efforts. And it shouldn't be all about the money. He is the anchor of the family, and in some situations, he is the leader. It's a very, very interesting insight I will take with me to counseling. I just don't want to beat a horse when he's down.


This is information that he should know, should have known, for it may have subconsciously influenced your view of him as a less sexually desirable man compared to the OM. Let's face it, no woman, married or single, would send pictures of her naked breasts to a man she was not at least entertaining the idea of having sex with him. Imagine for a minute what would have happened if your husband had not found the texts and you had continued sexting with the OM. The sexual tension would have grown to fever pitch levels and if you and the OM had gone on another business trip, then all bets would be off that the two of you would have had enough restraint to not engage in sex with one another.

You also described as you being the aggressive one of the two, and since you have been having problems with getting pregnant, does that also mean that you may be the HD (high sexual drive) spouse who is the one that initiates sex in the marriage? If the answer is yes, then this is something that should be brought in couples counseling - preferably one with experience in helping sexually related marital issues.




> *This is my mistake, and I don't want to blame him for something I chose to do.*


*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.

C'mon did you seriously believe that sending pics of your naked breasts to the OM would not have negative consequences if your husband found out?


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## bandit.45

Once again Mori brings clarity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Sunshine0809 said:


> I think what I am trying to figure out is why I am making choices that an unhappy woman would make when I am a happy woman.


That is the million dollar question and why it's going to take a lot to convince your husband you are really into the marriage. Because you haven't at all expressed the marriage being in a bad state or him being a bad husband. To me, it seems that would be harder to work through than if it were the other way around. It's quite baffling, IMO. 

What did your husband say when you went and sat in his car?

How old are you guys?


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## Sunshine0809

Sinnster - thank you. I am extremely remorseful for my actions. It had been over a month since it had last happened - I forgot the text was in my list and it wasn't a regular occurrence. I don't think it was going to go any further as we had both more or less stepped away without even discussing it. Not to say that I can honestly tell you I wouldn't have made the same bad choice again, but I just don't know if there was even going to be another time it would have happened.

Mori - you're right. I knew nothing good could have come out of sending those pictures. And as stated before, it happened three times over a several month period...I don't feel like I was emotionally attached to this person, but maybe I was more than I thought. Yes, we had some insightful conversations and I enjoyed those. And yes, he is attractive and assertive and motivated. But I was never comparing him to my husband (maybe I was subconsciously). I don't think I could have ever gone thru with something physical, although I have been reading the Never Say Never posts and I can't say "never." I think I was "comfortable" sending these pictures because he lives several hundred miles away and I knew it would be impossible to be anything more than buddies. It just got way out of my control and I know I made the poorest of choices and now I might pay the ultimate price.


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## Jellybeans

Sunshine0809 said:


> I think I was "comfortable" sending these pictures because he lives several hundred miles away and I knew it would be impossible to be anything more than buddies.


Except that you weren't and aren't "buddies." Buddies don't send naked pictures of themselves to eachother when they are married.


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## Sunshine0809

JB - we are in our early 30s. 

He didn't say a whole lot when I got in the car. He just wanted to leave. He told me that looking at me made him sick to his stomach and he wasn't sure if he'd ever look at me the same again. I asked him if he was willing to try and work it out and he said he couldn't answer that right now. Then I asked if he was coming home tonight and he said he was, but would not be in the same room as me. I asked when we could talk and he said when I could answer his questions, which I have been more than willing to do, but the answers don't seem satisfactory for him right now. He is disgusted with me as he well should be. 

I have been in really bad relationships in the past - physical affairs, physical violence, alcoholism to name a few. My husband is none of these things. He's the first honest, caring man that I've been with in my life and I go and screw it up like this. I know I don't deserve him.


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## bandit.45

Have you cheated on past partners?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sunshine0809

bandit.45 said:


> Have you cheated on past partners?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. I have been cheated on by others (physical) - several times. So I know what he is feeling right now and that is what kills me most.


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## bandit.45

Sounds like you were attracted to jerks in the past and found a safe haven with your husband... the nice guy. Does the OM remind you of your past partners?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5stringpicker

Sunshine0809 said:


> No. I have been cheated on by others (physical) - several times. So I know what he is feeling right now and that is what kills me most.


Sunshine, I want you to go back and read my post as well as the post by Halien, Bandit, Ele and others. This business that, " I don't know why" is an insult to your husband's intelligence and ours as well. You do know why. And if and when he allows you to talk about it, you need to be honest. Or you can stick with "I don't know why", and he will add, "well if you don't know why this time you sure as hell won't know why the next time either. Additionally, you say you have never cheated before. Don't you think its a little strange that you didn't cheat on the abusers, drugsters, and drunks, but you choose to do it on, as you put it, " the first honest, caring man that I've been with in my life". You really need to take a self inventory and an inventory of your marriage. Like Bandit said, notice how you seemed to go for the bad boys.
He is not going to buy into your setting the limit at pictures. When you get to sending pictures, the next step is showing your goodies in the privacy of a hotel room. I know it, you know it, and he knows it. Moreover, do you know how stupid you were for sending pictures. If you think you've got it bad now, wait until they show up on the internet.


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## Dexter Morgan

Sunshine0809 said:


> Hi - I'm new to this so please bear with me. I need some advice on how to fix my marriage. I have been married to literally the world's most amazing man for a year and a half. *He's sweet, caring, funny, loving and charming. I am lucky to have him*...for now...
> 
> A few months ago, a male friend of mine and I had a deep conversation on a work trip and we kind of felt some feelings.


Yes, its called being horny for another man.




> Nothing happened, but we started communicating via email and text about some pretty deep stuff. Recently, I sent him some provocative pictures of myself via text. *Today, my husband found those texts*.


Good. He won't be kept in the dark like most betrayed spouses then.




> He is currently locked in the bedroom and not speaking to me, telling me that he isn't sure this relationship is going to work.
> 
> I don't know why I sent them, nor do I understand why I am feeling attracted to another man.


Oh please. You don't know why you sent them? Get real. You have the hots for the other guy and it is exciting for you to show him what you want to give him. You wanted him to see you in the nude, pure and simple. You want to show him what he could have if things went further. Simple as that.

You know why.



> My husband provides me with everything I need emotionally. I am a horrible, hateful jerk and I'm so confused as to why I would put myself in this position. I'm assuming this is infidelity (even though nothing physical has happened).


Yes, its cheating, doesn't matter if you didn't get to consumate the affair




> I don't know where to go from here. This is one of those deal-breaker situations for him. I spent a few hours begging him to come talk and now I'm trying to respect his feelings and leave him alone. I'm just not sure if this relationship is salvageable but I'd like some solid advice on how to make these next few days count to gain forgiveness.


For starters, get rid of your phone, get a new number, whatever. Lose the OM's number.

Secondly, you say you went on a "work trip"? So he is a colleague. You start looking for another job until you find one. Keep the one you have if you need the income, but you move mountains to keep looking for another job until you find one. Even if it doesn't pay as much. Reconciliation will never happen as long as you are still working with OM. 

And really, any job you have should NOT include "work trips" with the opposite sex, or work trips in general since you can more easily cheat while on them.

Third, for the time being, is honor his wishes. For example, if the "girls" are going out, then you don't. You have lost some privileges of a loving caring, trusting husband for a while. Consider yourself on house arrest for a good long time until things can be figured out.



> I'm afraid he's going to divorce me...*he already said he'd never look at me the same and he can't trust me* (obviously I don't blame him). Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.


I can relate to this as I thought the same thing of my x-wife. I couldn't look at her without seeing "cheater" stamped across her forehead. Now she actually did physically cheat, but it really doesn't matter in your case because if you were sending nude pics to him, and you found yourself on another work trip with him, you'd be in his hotel room riding him and you know it.

All you can do is give him time. Some people will never get over it and end it(or have an affair themselves), and some can get over it, although never forgetting, and at least bring the marriage back a little bit.

But make no mistake, it will never be the same for him if he decides to stay.


----------



## Chaparral

Sunshine, in a book you need to read "His Needs Her Needs" it explains why men want sex and why women want sex. For women, especially when it is thought out and not just a spur of the moment thing like a one night stand, it is all about an emotional need. You have lost an emotional need with your husband. No doubt because he is acting like what some describe as a beta male instead of an alpha male. And it looks like he is planning on becoming more beta
as a SAHD in the future. One thing that needs to be made clear sooner or later to him is that you do not respect that type of man.

Did the OM Send you pics?

Here is F-102's post about the evo of an an emotional affair:

Originally Posted by F-102 
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture? 

She secretly contacted him behind your back - RED FLAG 
She created a secret facebook account to facilitate contact with him behind your back - RED FLAG 
She told him to wait till things settle down and contact her on the secret facebook account - RED FLAG 
She would NOT have stopped contact with him if you hadn't found out about it 
She's playing the privacy card. What she wants is secrecy. There is no secrey in marriage. Privacy is when you go to the bathroom 

And no, it does NOT make anything better just because he's far away. And EA is an EA is an EA. My fWWs EA was online too, and OM is in Canada. Yet I found out in the later stages how she was searching on how to immigrate there and make her escape. 

Go here and read this with your husband. It is a rosd map for what you have to do. It is appx the 11th post down, click on the link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sided-need-perspective-please.html#post534068


----------



## Sunshine0809

Chap - thank you so much for that link. It was a great read and very helpful. I don't know what's worse - the yelling or the silent treatment. At least with the yelling, I know he still cares. This is going to be a long road but that article will be a great reference piece for me.


----------



## Chaparral

Sunshine0809 said:


> Chap - thank you so much for that link. It was a great read and very helpful. I don't know what's worse - the yelling or the silent treatment. At least with the yelling, I know he still cares. This is going to be a long road but that article will be a great reference piece for me.


You are more than welcome. Good luck and prayers.


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> Hi - I'm new to this so please bear with me. I need some advice on how to fix my marriage. I have been married to literally the world's most amazing man for a year and a half. He's sweet, caring, funny, loving and charming. I am lucky to have him...for now...
> 
> A few months ago, a male friend of mine and I had a deep conversation on a work trip and we kind of felt some feelings. Nothing happened, but we started communicating via email and text about some pretty deep stuff. Recently, I sent him some provocative pictures of myself via text. Today, my husband found those texts. He is currently locked in the bedroom and not speaking to me, telling me that he isn't sure this relationship is going to work.
> 
> I don't know why I sent them, nor do I understand why I am feeling attracted to another man. My husband provides me with everything I need emotionally. I am a horrible, hateful jerk and I'm so confused as to why I would put myself in this position. I'm assuming this is infidelity (even though nothing physical has happened).
> 
> I don't know where to go from here. This is one of those deal-breaker situations for him. I spent a few hours begging him to come talk and now I'm trying to respect his feelings and leave him alone. I'm just not sure if this relationship is salvageable but I'd like some solid advice on how to make these next few days count to gain forgiveness. I'm afraid he's going to divorce me...he already said he'd never look at me the same and he can't trust me (obviously I don't blame him). Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.


If you can get back on track you guys need to do His Needs Her Needs. Do the boundary setting.

You crossed a number of boundaries. Boundaries keep you out of this stuff. I know.


----------



## Initfortheduration

Sunshine, you need to journal. This way he can read what you think, even though he doesn't want to listen to you, I would wager that he would read it.


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I know he is going to be mad for a long time...I just want to know how to approach him going forward. I'm a big communicator - and over the course of our 3 1/2 year relationship, he's been much better at communicating. Now he's just shut down. I obviously want to give him his space - but this is a critical time and I don't want to lose the opportunity to try and work on things. I am a relatively stable person but when he said he wasn't sure if he could stay with me, I lost it. As much as this is hard to believe, my marriage means the world to me. And I am having a hard time understanding why I behaved in such a horrible manner. I just don't know what to say over the next few days.
> 
> As for work, we don't work "together," per se...we have similar jobs but don't work for the same company. It'll be very easy to avoid him going forward, so that I'm not worried about. All I want is my husband back. How do you cope when you know it's all your fault?


If he was a co-worker you would need to change jobs. 

If I was your husband I would have an ongoing problem with your work travel. I would be very concerned that you may again get attached and / or hookup with another man. I would have lost trust. 

Why should your hubby believe you will not run into this same guys again on a work trip?


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> As for the "pretty deep stuff," it was about our current life situations (work, relationships, etc). Namely, my husband and I have had trouble getting pregnant and he and his wife went through a similar situation. It's caused a lot of sexual stress on my life and it was nice to talk to an unbiased third party (at the time). I know it was inappropriate to discuss this with someone of the opposite sex that I wasn't close to but *it just happened*.


It just happened is not going to make the cut. You let it happen. You opened yourself to another man. This discussion was very wrong. But then you proved it was wrong by what you ended up doing.

I would also be conceend if I was your husband if I was getting trickle truth. For all he knows you had sex with this guy and the evidence is that you were planning to. Your excuse would have been ... it just happened. If you have good boundaries, nothing ever just happens like this.

By the way any man not a relative or your husband is not unbiased. You in your own way made your husband feel less of a man by doing this with the OM and by letting the other man know he was not able to impregnate you. Your husband has to feel you were going to another man in hopes to get pregnant and that he would then be expected to raise that child. You at least said that you and your husband were having sexual problems. OMG. :slap:

Your husband may decide to cut his loses since you do not have children now.


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> ing- thank you so much - I appreciate you letting me know that this is a pro-marriage site. I completely acknowledge that I screwed up, I just want to know if anyone has experience reconciling after carrying on in an inappropriate manner and if so, the steps they took to make that happen.


I quite my job. I went total NC. It took me over a dozen years to completely forgive myself. There were no naked pictures. There were no work trips involved.

Be aware that I did not fully realize I was in an EA until after I went NC was at my new job and had gone through withdrawal.

The bottomline is that my wife loved me enough to not cur me loose. We had tow children in high school at the time. 

I never ever, ever blamed my wife for any of this. Itwas all on me. There was never a hint about her sharing in any of the causes for this. It was about poor boundaries, long hours of work and allowing someone else to start meeting needs.

We did His Needs Her Needs.


----------



## Sunshine0809

I like the idea of journaling and letting him read it. But I also want him to see my heartfelt and sincere explanation of why this happened. I've been in counseling for two hours today and it really made me own up to the hurt I experienced by the lack of sexual encounters with my husband and I feel like I was into the attention I was getting elsewhere. Instead of talking to my husband about my insecurity about our sex life, I allowed it to manifest itself into this horrible situation. I was so scared to hurt him with the initial conversation - if I would have just talked to him, it would have been a day or two of discomfort, not a lifetime. I know I really made a bad decision...let's just hope I can explain to him why I felt like I did and we can move forward. I know you all hate me and think I am a terrible person...you are more than welcome. But as a whole, I'm a genuine, caring, funloving woman who made a bad choice. I am truly remorseful and I will do anything I can to salvage my relationship.


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> Bandit - I agree...I need to understand why this was happening. Did I like the attention? Yes. But the question is "why?" As I mentioned, I'm going to get counseling and I'm hoping to uncover the reason. I'm not one to be attracted to danger or naughty things so I'm not sure why I was doing this. However, that is going to be a process. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with my husband now.


His Needs Her Needs.

Just do not end up blaming this on your husband.


----------



## Sunshine0809

By the way, before everyone gets all over me, I DON'T think two hours of counseling solved anything. I'm just saying that being able to open up in a safe environment and get my thoughts in order helped me to pinpoint the reasons for my choices. I do NOT blame my husband for anything - I was the one who didn't bring up my fears and my upset and instead chose to get attention elsewhere. I just wanted to clarify that.


----------



## Entropy3000

TRy said:


> If you want a second chance, the number one thing that you need to do is make it possible for him to take you back while allowing him took keep his dignity and self respect. There is no one specif thing to do to achieve this, but keep his dignity and self respect in mind while you follow the many good ideas that have already been posted here. For example when he yells at you, do not yell back but allow yourself to be hurt by what he is saying; you being hurt shows that he matters to you. Feel his pain and show true remorse. Let him vent his anger on you and no matter how many times he repeats himself do not tell him you have already heard it before. Keep interacting with him as he vents, so that he knows that you are hearing him. Over time he will do it less and less as he gets it out of his system.
> 
> The very fact that you care enough to be here asking is a good sign. There are many on this site that wish that their cheating spouse cared like you appear to. I do not normally say encouraging things to cheaters, but in your case I wish you luck.


Probably changing her life style would go a long way. i.e. stop the travel. Especially for this company but altogether would be best. Priorities.


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> TRy - thank you for the encouraging words. I appreciate them. And ing - I plan to show him this thread.
> 
> An update - he just left the house and didn't speak a word to me. I went outside and sat in his car for about 10 minutes. I think he's more mad this morning than he was last night. He told me he honestly can't tell me if we're going to make it and he said it in a very angry tone. He's still wearing his wedding ring, so I'm hoping that is a good time. He moved all of his stuff to the guest room and told me he can't hang out with me. I so desperately want to make this better. I can't lose him.
> 
> He's a very, very sensitive person and I know this cut him to the core. He told me he doesn't believe a word I say and he can't trust me, which I understand right now. I just wish I knew how to make this better. I'm a wreck (and I know I deserve to be). This was never intended to be anything more than what it was - I had no plans to see him or make plans to see him. I know that's also hard for all of you to believe based on your experiences but it was never even discussed. I just need help before I have a nervous breakdown.


What you did has the appearance of cheating. Whether you planned to or not. Your husband does not know. He also does not know if you have told him everything or not. He does not know if this is the only guy this happened with. Once we are unfaithful and break trust, the whole deal is open for evaluation.


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## Chaparral

Sunshine0809 said:


> I like the idea of journaling and letting him read it. But I also want him to see my heartfelt and sincere explanation of why this happened. I've been in counseling for two hours today and it really made me own up to the hurt I experienced by the lack of sexual encounters with my husband and I feel like I was into the attention I was getting elsewhere. Instead of talking to my husband about my insecurity about our sex life, I allowed it to manifest itself into this horrible situation. I was so scared to hurt him with the initial conversation - if I would have just talked to him, it would have been a day or two of discomfort, not a lifetime. I know I really made a bad decision...let's just hope I can explain to him why I felt like I did and we can move forward. I know you all hate me and think I am a terrible person...you are more than welcome. But as a whole, I'm a genuine, caring, funloving woman who made a bad choice. I am truly remorseful and I will do anything I can to salvage my relationship.


Lack of encounters? Why haven't you been able to get pregnant?


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## bandit.45

> I know you all hate me and think I am a terrible person...you are more than welcome. But as a whole, I'm a genuine, caring, funloving woman who made a bad choice. I am truly remorseful and I will do anything I can to salvage my relationship.


Nobody here hates you Sunshine0809. We hate what you did.

We're the walking wounded. 

Many of us have been hurt by our partners, and for many the wounds are still open and bleeding. So take every post you read with a grain of salt. I'm one of the worst offenders when it comes to vitriol, especially when the mood is on me. We have some healers, attack dogs, bears and kittens, mages and fools in this motley crowd. Don't be afraid if some of us get boisterous.

But I appreciate your candor so far, and I do believe you are contrite. 

But I see alot of baggage under your surface that you need to expose; alot of unanswered questions that you need to face head on and answer for yourself and your husband if you want to have a shot at saving your marriage. 

Right now I place your odds of saving your marriage at about 20%. Like previous posters have said, the flirty emails and topless pics have all but convinced your husband that you went all the way with your affair partner. That you convince him otherwise is up to you. No amount of counseling is going to get him to believe what you say is true. 

If and when he talks to you, lay everything out to him... every dirty detail. Do not leave anything out. Share wih him what you came up with in counseling, but broach the sex issue very, very carefully. In fact, if you are too nervous to do this, ask him to come to your next counseling session and do it there with the counselor as a mediary. 

He's going to be hurt. He's going to cry. He is going to be very unnattractive to you in his moments of pain and weakness. You need to stay with him and be totally and completely contrite, apologetic and remorseful... nothing wrong with getting down on your knees and debasing yourself. 

Good luck. Know that you have friends who are here to listen.


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## Affaircare

Sunshine0809 said:


> I like the idea of journaling and letting him read it. But I also want him to see my heartfelt and sincere explanation of why this happened. I've been in counseling for two hours today and it really made me own up to the hurt I experienced by the lack of sexual encounters with my husband and I feel like I was into the attention I was getting elsewhere. Instead of talking to my husband about my insecurity about our sex life, I allowed it to manifest itself into this horrible situation. I was so scared to hurt him with the initial conversation - if I would have just talked to him, it would have been a day or two of discomfort, not a lifetime. I know I really made a bad decision...let's just hope I can explain to him why I felt like I did and we can move forward. I know you all hate me and think I am a terrible person...you are more than welcome. But as a whole, I'm a genuine, caring, funloving woman who made a bad choice. I am truly remorseful and I will do anything I can to salvage my relationship.


Sunshine~

I would like to give you some hope. I am probably one of the most honest, faithful, trustworthy people you'll ever meet and I had an affair. And like you, my Dear Hubby is a wonderful, caring, kind, gentle man--he's known here too. Anyone here will tell you the kind of people we are and that probably I would be the very last person you'd ever suspect would have an affair. We had a miscarriage--then found out that both of us were past the age of conceiving any more. Fertility, or lack thereof, can really reek havoc on the psyche. I'm not using this as an excuse but I do know that part of my own personal vulnerability was that I felt like an old, dried up, prune and didn't want to be old--I wanted to still be young and lively. 

So take heart. I was an idiot and made the biggest mistake of my life--but I also was at least smart enough to realize it was a mistake and stop it! Dear Hubby and I were able to save our marriage and part of it was because there had not been any contact ever--if I feel curiosity or wonder, it's MY job to tell myself no. Part of it is that we both were willing to save it! Part of it is that I let him verify because I knew that was one of the costs of my behavior. Part of it is that now I look at marriage like "how do *I* need to change to communicate love to him" and not how I'd expect him to change. Part of it is that there's no excuse to not have sex. Period. Part of it is that I was REALLY honest with him even when I was scared to be honest, and I still am. Part of it is that I learned about him. 

Soooo...it can be done and I'm living proof.


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## warlock07

Who initiated the t(s)exting? Was he asking you for the pics? Is the other guy married?


----------



## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> I don't think therapy is going to "cure" me or help me come up with excuses. I think what I am trying to figure out is why I am making choices that an unhappy woman would make when I am a happy woman. Does that make sense? I'm owning up to the fact that I enjoyed the attention...that much is simple decision-making. What I'm really trying to pinpoint is what is going on in my head? Why am I hurting this great person. In dealing with him at home, I am owning up to it and I'm going to do whatever it takes to fix it. Personally, I just feel like I need to talk it out with someone - and if nothing else, maybe I can find out some good ways to broach it that makes it easier for us to discuss without angering him again so we can actually talk.
> 
> Bandit - you have definitely brought up some good points. I'm going to discuss the ambition attraction today and see what I come up with.


Affairs are chemical based. Oxytocin and Dopamine. It is an addiction. That is why people who consider themselves to have good character can do very hurtful things. Because it feels ok. That is why boundaries are so important. But yes you found this other guy attractive. Having poor boundaries you let things creep from inappropriate to unfaithful to arguably cheating. It felt ok. But it was not ok.


----------



## morituri

Sunshine0809 said:


> I've been in counseling for two hours today and it really* made me own up to the hurt I experienced by the lack of sexual encounters with my husband and I feel like I was into the attention I was getting elsewhere.* Instead of talking to my husband about my insecurity about our sex life, I allowed it to manifest itself into this horrible situation. I was so scared to hurt him with the initial conversation - if I would have just talked to him, it would have been a day or two of discomfort, not a lifetime. I know I really made a bad decision...let's just hope I can explain to him why I felt like I did and we can move forward.


As you've seen, a sexless marriage is not something to be swept under the rug. There are marriages in which an accident or an illness has left one spouse unable to have sexual intercourse. Even so, many of these couples care deeply for one another and have found other ways to have a fulfilling sexual life with each other. It is not the lack of sex in and of itself that is the issue, but the feelings of rejection and lack of caring coming from the person who should be the most enthusiastic lover of all, your husband.

But a sexless marriage is not, and never will be, an excuse to behave in a fashion that betrays trust and causes emotional upheaval to the low sex drive spouse.



> I know you all hate me and think I am a terrible person...you are more than welcome. But as a whole, I'm a genuine, caring, fun loving woman who made a bad choice. I am truly remorseful and I will do anything I can to salvage my relationship.


I don't hate you but I most certainly hate what you did. The damage done by your bad choices may have done irreparable damage to your marriage and thus you should harbor no illusions that it will ever recover. Nevertheless you owe it to yourself and your husband to try to atone for your betrayal by doing everything in your power to become a better person who will never again do this to her husband or another partner in the future. Your actions - voluntary accountability, respect, and consideration - will go a long way to show your husband that you can walk the walk as well as talk the talk.


----------



## Goldmember357

Sunshine0809 said:


> Hi - I'm new to this so please bear with me. I need some advice on how to fix my marriage. I have been married to literally the world's most amazing man for a year and a half. He's sweet, caring, funny, loving and charming. I am lucky to have him...for now...
> 
> A few months ago, a male friend of mine and I had a deep conversation on a work trip and we kind of felt some feelings. Nothing happened, but we started communicating via email and text about some pretty deep stuff. Recently, I sent him some provocative pictures of myself via text. Today, my husband found those texts. He is currently locked in the bedroom and not speaking to me, telling me that he isn't sure this relationship is going to work.
> 
> I don't know why I sent them, nor do I understand why I am feeling attracted to another man. My husband provides me with everything I need emotionally. I am a horrible, hateful jerk and I'm so confused as to why I would put myself in this position. I'm assuming this is infidelity (even though nothing physical has happened).
> 
> I don't know where to go from here. This is one of those deal-breaker situations for him. I spent a few hours begging him to come talk and now I'm trying to respect his feelings and leave him alone. I'm just not sure if this relationship is salvageable but I'd like some solid advice on how to make these next few days count to gain forgiveness. I'm afraid he's going to divorce me...he already said he'd never look at me the same and he can't trust me (obviously I don't blame him). Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.


You have the cheating gene in you

If he is smart he would leave (imo)

best of luck


----------



## otchealth

Hi Sunshine0809,


I read your story, and i like that you don't want to another guy and you love your husband.
I want to tell you that please don't accept divorce from your husband. If he was love you then give him sometime to understand you very well. I hope that your husband understand you. 
And tell strictly to another guy don't follow you and leave you alone. 



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----------



## Will_Kane

Your story may be true, but it is not believable. Specifically, that you sent naked pictures to a guy with whom you communicated infrequently.

*"The OM and I have been talking for a few months, maybe three at most, and it was not a daily, regular thing. It was on and off, not that that makes a difference."*

*"it happened three times over a several month period...I don't feel like I was emotionally attached to this person."*


----------



## Will_Kane

_*"The OM and I don't speak all that often anyway."

"we have similar jobs but don't work for the same company. It'll be very easy to avoid him going forward, so that I'm not worried about"

"It's done, no more contact. And I can very easily avoid him at work stuff, as we literally see each other three times a year and I can busy myself with my other work colleagues. "*_

It's easy for you to avoid him, but given what has occurred, your husband may not trust you to avoid him. *"He told me he doesn't believe a word I say and he can't trust me."* 

Trusting you to avoid OM may not be enough for your husband. Seeing OM three times a year may be three times too much for your husband.


----------



## Sunshine0809

Again, thank you all for the feedback. 

Will - I get that my story seems "unbelievable," but what would I gain now from not telling the truth? The communication has been irregular with the OM - we both have lives (marriages, jobs, etc) and don't take it upon ourselves to be in touch on a regular basis. I guess I should say we "didn't," as there is no more contact. Yes, it might sound strange that I was willing to send pics to some guy I barely know but I think that's what was oddly comforting - that because it was not someone who I saw often, it was almost like it wasn't happening or wasn't real. And it only happened three times. You can question all you want, but I'm telling you the truth. 

Bandit - thank you for your support. I certainly I hope I have more than a 20% shot to save my marriage, though! He's hurt, angry, upset now. And I get that. But in life, he's a pretty rational and analytical person - I'm just hoping that he'll talk to me soon. 

Affaircare - thank you so, so much. Your story gives me a little hope. I am having a hard time being patient, seeing as I'm a "fixer," and just want to fix things. I know I need to give him his space all the while keeping our routine. I'm just fearful that the longer we go without talking, the less chance we have of reconciling. How long should I wait to approach him?


----------



## Sunshine0809

Also - some advice? My parents live about 30 minutes away from us. They offered to have me come and stay with them while my husband and I sort this out. Do you all think I should go and give my husband a few days alone? Or do you think I should stay at the house? Our current situation is that he is staying in the guest room (no TV, no computer) and won't come out when I am at home. I feel horrible that I am the one who has the run of the house and I'm the one who acted poorly...I'd just like him to be comfortable and able to veg out a little. The other day, I told him I'd go somewhere else so he could watch TV but he wasn't interested. What should I do?


----------



## bandit.45

> am having a hard time being patient, seeing as I'm a "fixer," and just want to fix things. I know I need to give him his space all the while keeping our routine. I'm just fearful that the longer we go without talking, the less chance we have of reconciling. How long should I wait to approach him?


If you want to destroy what is left of your marriage then try your fixing thing.

Aint gonna work.

You need to give your husband space. If he won't talk to you, write a letter telling him you love him and want to make things right and put it in his briefcase or on the seat of his car. Let him see you hurting during the times he does come out. Let him know you are on this site and let him read what you wrote and what has been written back.

You can do things to show him you love him like cooking his favorite meal and leaving it outside his bedroom door. Send him flowers at work.

But give him time. He'll come around at some point and give you an answer. Part of your impatience is that your worried he's going to lower the boom on you. He may. But wishing he would hurry up is not going to make it happen.


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## bandit.45

> Do you all think I should go and give my husband a few days alone? Or do you think I should stay at the house?


No. All that will do is make him think you want your own space to go and sleep with the other man. Stay put unless he asks you to leave. Then get on your knees and beg him not to kick you out. Show him he is the dominate male and you are the submissive female. Use male psychology to your advantage.


----------



## ing

bandit.45 said:


> No. All that will do is make him think you want your own space to go and sleep with the other man. Stay put unless he asks you to leave. .


He will think exactly this. Stay put!
Don't spend time on your cell phone.
Bear in mind he needs to eat. He probably isn't eating or sleeping much. Comfort food is what he is looking for.
Don't invade his space he is in the cave licking his wounds.
I know what he is doing in there. 
I wish he was here.


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## Sunshine0809

I've made him lunch the last few days to take to work and he's left it at home (on purpose). He is literally not even looking at me. How do I get him to eat if he is just holed up in the guest room? I know he's being stubborn and won't eat anything I make right now...


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## Halien

I'm curious. If he hadn't caught you, would you have ended the affair and told your husband on your own? Even if the other man redoubled his efforts? Now might be the time to let your husband know if there were any saving graces here, because you can be pretty sure that he thinks it would've gone physical without his intervention. As it is, you said that the communications backed off a bit, that I think that was all. Have to keep in mind that he likely thinks that you are only sorry that you got caught, and the remorse is fabricated. Sharing any thoughts you had about guilt you felt, the need to end it, boundaries that you were confident of never crossing, etc might at least be ways to open him up and talk.


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## Chaparral

Why haven't you explained you problems getting pregnant? You make it look like he doesn't want sex.


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## [email protected]

Write him a letter , dont email, write it, long letters put it in an envelope and leave it in the guest room, do one every day, explaining everything, and explain specifics why he is your man, why he is better than anyone, explain u have a weakness and you didnt know it was there , its like a physical ailment, and u need him to help you strengthen yourself, and u need him to work on your weeknesses, tell him what he means make the letters LOOOONG, and write it every day , repitition is good, he will read them when he is ready
and when he is in the guest room you sit in a chair outside nearby and stay there dont leave even if it means sitting on the floor


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## ing

Sunshine0809 said:


> I've made him lunch the last few days to take to work and he's left it at home (on purpose). He is literally not even looking at me. How do I get him to eat if he is just holed up in the guest room? I know he's being stubborn and won't eat anything I make right now...


I couldn't be even be in the same room as her Sunshine. 
I could not sit down with her for a drink of coffee, never mind eat.
You have betrayed him and every time he sees you he knows that you sent intimate photos to another man. he sees you and knows that you wanted some other man really badly, he feels like his heart has been ripped out. You know how he feels. You have been on the other end!

When people describe pain who have experienced the worst physical pain and betrayal, they put betrayal as the most painful experience. Cut him some slack hey..

You can not rush this. It is not going to get fixed fast.
He is not being stubborn he is in emotional agony.

He probably can't eat at the moment.


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## Sunshine0809

Halien said:


> I'm curious. If he hadn't caught you, would you have ended the affair and told your husband on your own? Even if the other man redoubled his efforts? Now might be the time to let your husband know if there were any saving graces here, because you can be pretty sure that he thinks it would've gone physical without his intervention. As it is, you said that the communications backed off a bit, that I think that was all.


The communications had backed off. This was a text from over a month ago that for some reason was still in my text list. There wasn't even a conversation about "backing off." I felt guilty all three times and even the times when it was just "hey, how are you?" talk after that? Since that last pic text, there have only been two other times we have communicated and it was not sexual. But even that stops now.

Why haven't you explained you problems getting pregnant? You make it look like he doesn't want sex.

The problems getting pregnant have been fertility issues. Not his, mine. I think what has happened is that sex has become so much about "making a baby" and so much less about the desire to be together. We've been to tons of doctors, had a bunch of tests, and have been put on a "sex schedule." So during the times when I am not in my optimal ovulation, we just don't have sex very often. I'm thinking it's psychological but it takes a toll - I have felt undesirable and unattractive.


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## bandit.45

I like the question Halien brought up.

If you had not gotten caught, would you have, on your own volition, ended this e-mail affair with the other man? 

That's a question you need to ask yourself and be honest about.


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## Sunshine0809

bandit.45 said:


> I like the question Halien brought up.
> 
> If you had not gotten caught, would you have, on your own volition, ended this e-mail affair with the other man?
> 
> That's a question you need to ask yourself and be honest about.



As stated, there wasn't a "we're never talking again" discussion - things just kind of organically declined as far as communication goes. If he contacts me again, I will definitely tell him we can't talk anymore.


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## bandit.45

> As stated, there wasn't a "we're never talking again" discussion - things just kind of organically declined as far as communication goes. If he contacts me again, I will definitely tell him we can't talk anymore.


Don't give him the opportunity.

Change your e-mail address and get a new phone number.


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## Halien

Sunshine0809 said:


> As stated, there wasn't a "we're never talking again" discussion - things just kind of organically declined as far as communication goes. If he contacts me again, I will definitely tell him we can't talk anymore.


I understand what happened, but what I was getting at is that this might come down to being very open about your through processes at the time. Hopefully, you felt some remorse at times. Hopefully, you honestly know yourself well enough to know that you have a weakness in interchanges that aren't face to face, but could never allow it to turn physical. Maybe the people who have been through infidelity can clarify if this will, or will not help, but you have to see that to some degree, this time period is almost like a big black box of fears of 'what might have happened'. Letting him know that there was a real person inside that box, you, will at least let him know exactly what went on in your mind.

Others mentioned writing letters and leaving them. If you only start the history of how you will be after the nightmare is over, he will have to swallow the fact that you might have really slept with the OM, were utterly in his control at every moment, or whatever he can imagine. While I'd suggest that you not write the details of your specific hurtful actions, since it leaves it open to interpretation, you can tell him things like, "I want a chance to give you the details you need, and even show how it made me feel so unworthy ..." Look, he won't talk to you now, but if he knows that you will be open and honest, instead of just asking for forgiveness, there's a part of him that will want answers, and maybe even begin to respect the courage it took to be so honest.


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## cabin fever

i've been in his shoes (only my situation was even worse IMO.) 

Give him space. 

WRITE HIM A LETTER. DO IT NOW! I can honestly say if it hadn't been for the letter my wife wrote me, I would be divorced today. I seriously gave up, and wanted nothing to do with her, untill I read the letter, and could read the hurt she was also experiencing. I would not listen to her, but for some stupid reason the letter let me hear her. 

I also disagree with leaving. I would give HIM the option. If he is holed up in that room everynight, just sitting on teh couch watching TV may make him feel better, just being able to get out of the room might help, and he doesn't feel comfortable being around you. I wouldn't leave unannounced but I would say something like, "I know you are hurting, and I want to help. Do you want me to leave? I can go to my dad's, but I am worried about you, and want to stay. do you want me to?"

Keep doing things for him, be preparred to be treated like a biotch, thats what he's thinking. You hurt him BAD, and its not something he is going to get over quickly, or easily. Or at all.


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## Shaggy

Sunshine0809 said:


> As stated, there wasn't a "we're never talking again" discussion - things just kind of organically declined as far as communication goes. If he contacts me again, I will definitely tell him we can't talk anymore.


I think you're in denial or maybe naive - but it is no doubt obvious to your husband where this was leading. This guy went from chit-chat to naked pics of you. He may have been playing it slow, but he has been very effective at knocking down what very little boundaries you seem to have.

i have no doubt that the next time you and he were in the same place and the opportunity arose, he would push it physically. Just a hug, then a kiss, and then more.

You need to understand this and accept that was the path you were slowly stepping down. One step at a time. But you were going there.

So now you need to prove that you didn't go there yet, and that you now won't go there.

1. Go get a polygraph to show your husband that you haven't have physical contact with the OM.

2. Send a letter to the OM telling him not to contact you EVER. I know you don't want to do this because your embarrased or worried about pissing off the OM. Think about that, you were OK sending him pics, sexting etc, and betraying your husband, but you are hesitant to choose your husband by sending a no contact letter to the OM. (show your husband the letter, and do not respond in any way - even answering - if the OM contact you. Tell you husband about each attempted contact. Show him any texts)

3. stop chasing and pestering your husband. Stay at home, when you go out be 100% transparent, and let him have time to begin dealing with the betrayal.


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## Sunshine0809

Halien said:


> While I'd suggest that you not write the details of your specific hurtful actions, since it leaves it open to interpretation, you can tell him things like, "I want a chance to give you the details you need, and even show how it made me feel so unworthy ..." Look, he won't talk to you now, but if he knows that you will be open and honest, instead of just asking for forgiveness, there's a part of him that will want answers, and maybe even begin to respect the courage it took to be so honest.


I love this, I will definitely use it. Thank you for that.


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## Sunshine0809

Shaggy said:


> Send a letter to the OM telling him not to contact you EVER. I know you don't want to do this because your embarrased or worried about pissing off the OM.


I'm not embarrassed or worried at all. I have no problem telling him I don't want to communicate with him anymore. But reading earlier posts, it seemed like I shouldn't initiate contact with him in any way so that is why I haven't been in contact to let him know this is over. He also hasn't contacted me in quite some time so I don't even know if he will. But again, I am not worried in the least about pissing him off.


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## morituri

The NC letter should be done in the company of your husband, not behind his back.


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## happyman64

Sunshine,

I was reading the LadyFrog thread and it was nice that she told you her story. 

*Do Not Go to your Parents!!!*

It was fine that you told them but you hiding there will not help you, your husband or your marriage.

You have to be there for your H no matter what he is doing right now. No matter how bad you are hurting you need to be there. As long as he is not abusive to you, you have to own it.

Be brave, speak only the truth when he is ready to communicate with you.

If you love him you need to tell him. If you are willing to fight for your marriage then start fighting. Ane even if he wants his space you can still let him know you are there for him when he is ready to communicate.

Good Luck, keep posting. We are all rooting for you to do the right things now.

HM64


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## crossbar

Just....watch out for your husband. The isolation, the avoidence, the moving to another room, the detachment....he's a pressure cooker boiling up right now. And sooner or later, he's going to explode. BE READY FOR IT!! He's gonna yell and scream, and is going to call you the most vile names you've never heard come out of his mouth. He's going to say VERY hurtful things to you. And you need to accept that, that is going to happen. He wants you to hurt as much as he is right now. So, keep that in mind if it happens. Let him boil over...


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## Entropy3000

Sunshine0809 said:


> Again, thank you all for the feedback.
> 
> Will - I get that my story seems "unbelievable," but what would I gain now from not telling the truth? The communication has been irregular with the OM - we both have lives (marriages, jobs, etc) and don't take it upon ourselves to be in touch on a regular basis. I guess I should say we "didn't," as there is no more contact. Yes, it might sound strange that I was willing to send pics to some guy I barely know but I think that's what was oddly comforting - that because it was not someone who I saw often, it was almost like it wasn't happening or wasn't real. And it only happened three times. You can question all you want, but I'm telling you the truth.
> 
> Bandit - thank you for your support. I certainly I hope I have more than a 20% shot to save my marriage, though! He's hurt, angry, upset now. And I get that. But in life, he's a pretty rational and analytical person - I'm just hoping that he'll talk to me soon.
> 
> Affaircare - thank you so, so much. Your story gives me a little hope. I am having a hard time being patient, seeing as I'm a "fixer," and just want to fix things. I know I need to give him his space all the while keeping our routine. I'm just fearful that the longer we go without talking, the less chance we have of reconciling. How long should I wait to approach him?


Ok, only three times. So it was more than once. It was still cheating. You can argue that but the relationship was all about being unfaithful. The pictures were just a symptom of the affair. And yes you need to put this into perspective at least for yourself. Do not minimize the betrayal. It is also true that had you had a ONS with this guy it would be worse. But again, your husband really is not sure what happened. Not trying to beta you up. This is tough stuff. If my wife did this three times, I am not sure I would care any more if ot were a hundred. Maybe a little, but it comes down to where his boundary is. Once is too much.

What this picture were and your husbands interpretation of your intentions is critical. This is actually harder to explain if there was not an EA.


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## Tall Average Guy

morituri said:


> The NC letter should be done in the company of your husband, not behind his back.


Would her writing it and presenting it to her husband as something that he could send be a useful step?


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## Jellybeans

I don't necessarily think you should write a NC letter. I do think you should have OM's # and emails completely blocked from your phone. You could do that in front of your husband.

Has husband said anything to you? At the other end of this is a wife who also got cheated on (and a family). 

These stories are so sad.


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## morituri

Tall Average Guy said:


> Would her writing it and presenting it to her husband as something that he could send be a useful step?


It sure would. More so if her husband is wanting to test her resolve to reconcile.

A NC is no guarantee of further contact but it is a symbolic first *action* that can help the betrayed feel that there might be some hope for the marriage.


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## Sunshine0809

As far as the letter goes, I'll offer it to him and see if it's something that would help him. I think him being able to go thru my phone and email at his leisure would be plenty for him but I will definitely offer the letter thing in case he feels it's something that would help him get over it. We have not spoken yet, but he did text me today. Here's the way it went, tell me what you think:

Husband: I have a conference after work so I'll be late. I just didn't want you to wonder where I was.

Me: Thank you for telling me. I love you.

Husband: You broke my heart.

Me: I know. And I will spend every day of the rest of my life doing everything I can to mend it.

That's it. I am not sure if he told me about staying late at work as a dig or if he's coming around to at least maybe begin communication. I'll take text/email right now if that's all he's willing to do.

And I won't go stay overnight with my parents. I'm glad that you all advised against it because I was thinking it was nice to give him his space but I see now why it would look like I was abandoning him. Thanks for your help with that.


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## Sunshine0809

20yrshurt&r said:


> SO start on the list I gave you. WHat are you waiting for? DO you mean what you say about wanting to help him?


I have written him a letter and told him about the counseling as well as suggested we go together. I also told him how sorry I am, how much I love him and I'm going to do whatever it takes to resolve this. I already have a calendar set up that he can access at any time. As for the software, I am researching it as we speak. He's already told me (when he was yelling the other night and I was offering for him to have access to whatever he wants) that he doesn't want to live a life where he is constantly checking my emails and texts. But just knowing he can will most likely make him feel better. I have changed my email will and figure out what to do with my cell number as it's a work account. I'm also going to block the OM on everything in front of him as JB suggested. I will offer the letter.


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## Jellybeans

It's a good thing he talked to you and told you why he'd be late. Anything is better than the silent treatment.

His mind is everywhere right now. Since you have been cheated on before, you know that he is going over every single part of your history and wondering if you ever loved him or were committed to him. Every conversation, glance, night you slept together, wondering what was real vs. what wasn't. 

Re: cell phone--call up the cell company and have his # blocked. You can even do that online.

Oh and hello, almost forgot--Facebook--if you have one of those or any other social networking where the OM is still your contact, BLOCK HIM. Or delete the entire thing altogether.


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## bandit.45

This is good news. At least he's communicating with you. Be ready with answers tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan

Sunshine0809 said:


> Chap - thank you so much for that link. It was a great read and very helpful. I don't know what's worse - the yelling or the silent treatment. At least with the yelling, I know he still cares.


Don't be too sure. I yelled alot, and rightfully so.

In the end I left my wife. I cared, for a brief period of time and yelled during that brief time. Then the infidelity made me numb to caring anything about her. I tried to stay, yelled when the triggers got to be too much, and in the end decided I deserved better and didn't want to yell any longer.


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## Dexter Morgan

Sunshine0809 said:


> I know you all hate me and think I am a terrible person...you are more than welcome. But as a whole, I'm a genuine, caring, funloving woman who made a bad choice.


No, no, NO!

Do NOT try to downplay what you did by saying it was a "bad choice". You did this because you wanted to, because you liked the thrill of showing yourself to another man, and getting the same from him.

To say it was a "bad choice" is an attempt to downplay. An example of a truly bad choice would be making a choice between 2 things not knowing which is the right choice.

You knew it wasn't the right choice to do what you did, you just did it anyway because of the excitement of it.

So if you want to do whatever you can to make things right with your husband, all the power to you. But do not try to make this into a "it could happen to anyone" thing. Its an insult to those of us who would never choose to do something we know is not right.


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## Dexter Morgan

Sunshine0809 said:


> I've made him lunch the last few days to take to work and he's left it at home (on purpose). He is literally not even looking at me. How do I get him to eat if he is just holed up in the guest room? I know he's being stubborn and won't eat anything I make right now...


Stubborn? I have been in his shoes. Eating is hard to do. I had absolutely no appetite for few weeks. I had to literally force food down my throat.

If this has only been a matter of a couple weeks, this is not a case of him being stubborn. His stomach is churning and boiling, probably is developing an ulcer.


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## Sunshine0809

Dexter Morgan said:


> No, no, NO!
> 
> Do NOT try to downplay what you did by saying it was a "bad choice". You did this because you wanted to, because you liked the thrill of showing yourself to another man, and getting the same from him.
> 
> To say it was a "bad choice" is an attempt to downplay. An example of a truly bad choice would be making a choice between 2 things not knowing which is the right choice.
> 
> You knew it wasn't the right choice to do what you did, you just did it anyway because of the excitement of it.
> 
> So if you want to do whatever you can to make things right with your husband, all the power to you. But do not try to make this into a "it could happen to anyone" thing. Its an insult to those of us who would never choose to do something we know is not right.


I used the words "bad choice" because I got blasted for using the word "mistake" in an earlier post. Goodness!!! I came here for support and advice, and I feel like I am getting picked apart for my use of vocabulary!! I am NOT attempting to downplay what I did. I f*cked up royally and I GET THAT. I love my husband, I did wrong and I want to make it better and fix things. I hate myself for what I did and I hated myself when I did it. Trust me, I have an ulcer from stress, I've lost 10 pounds from it as well and I've been going crazy. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for me - trust me, I know you won't. But I am hurting here too. I made the world's biggest mistake/bad choice/poor decision - whatever word works best for you. I am owning it as best I know how. This is not who I want to be. Please understand that I know you are hurting and someone like me is considered the enemy right now. I don't deserve your sympathy. Fine. But please try to see the genuine remorse I am feeling and the hatred I have for myself. Just because I use different words than you would does not by any means make me less guilty, hurt or sorry than I should be.


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## happyman64

Sunshine,

He is hurting mentally and physically. His heart is broken.

Of course he will not take the lunches. But keep doing it everyday until he says stop or thanks you.

Also, if he is holed up in the guest room, wait till he is gone and go in and clean it up for him or leave some fruit on a tray for him.

Do it while he is not there.

Actions speak much louder than words.

You need to show him action and keep showing him action.

That will get him to open up most likely. 

And Bandit is probably right, get ready for tonight. Just listen, do not get defensive and no matter what he says tell him you love him. 

And we do not hate you. We just despise the infidelity.

Good Luck

HM64


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## AngryandUsed

Sunshine0809 said:


> I used the words "bad choice" because I got blasted for using the word "mistake" in an earlier post. Goodness!!! I came here for support and advice, and I feel like I am getting picked apart for my use of vocabulary!! I am NOT attempting to downplay what I did. I f*cked up royally and I GET THAT. I love my husband, I did wrong and I want to make it better and fix things. I hate myself for what I did and I hated myself when I did it. Trust me, I have an ulcer from stress, I've lost 10 pounds from it as well and I've been going crazy. I'm not trying to make you feel bad for me - trust me, I know you won't. But I am hurting here too. I made the world's biggest mistake/bad choice/poor decision - whatever word works best for you. I am owning it as best I know how. This is not who I want to be. Please understand that I know you are hurting and someone like me is considered the enemy right now. I don't deserve your sympathy. Fine. But please try to see the genuine remorse I am feeling and the hatred I have for myself. Just because I use different words than you would does not by any means make me less guilty, hurt or sorry than I should be.


Thank him for not having gone dark. There is scope for recovery in your case.

He lost sleep? He is not focusing on things? He lost weight? 

Since you are repentant, more likely he will open up and cry on your shoulders! Patience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron

I tend to say "bad decisions" when describing my husband's infidelity. I didn't take major issue with your use of "bad choice", but it's good to know what language might trigger your husband. For sure "mistake" is a biggie, which you already know. I tend to use "bad decision" because it was just that, a decision my husband made and a bad one to boot.

You're doing a great job taking the heat from posters and it should help you when your husband finally decides to speak or yell at you. The reason everyone keeps harping on your language is because if your H perceives even the slightest hint of blameshifting or minimizing, he will latch onto it. He may even contradict himself, wanting you to say or act one way then denouncing it the next.

Be flexible and open to his mood shifts. If something he says hurts or sounds unfair, bite your tongue and wait until therapy to discuss later.

Keep listening and posting, it seems you're trying really hard to understand what your husband is going through and needs.

Sorry to bring up the language, when I know you're trying, but you might want to use the word _heal_ when describing wanting to do anything to help him . . you want to help him heal. A few times you've said how you want to help him "get over it" or "resolve this" and sadly, the answer is you can't. He will most likely never "get over it" or feel it's "resolved", it is now forever a part of your marriage. That doesn't mean your marriage is ruined forever, but after trust is broken, you have a new definition of trust and of your marriage.


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## bandit.45

Like I said Sunshine, some posters here tend to get a little high-strung. Don't take it personally. Keep talking to us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing

I am seeing a chance here Sunshine and we see so many threads where this is no chance Keep talking to us. Do the metal edit on posts, mine included. 
Some of the posts are tests. You see words are important to your H now. The way you say something is as important as your intention. It is like negotiating a mine field. Actions are what is really important though. Consistent and supportive.
The fact he said " You broke my heart" is a good thing. He is talking to you. Telling you he is coming home is good too.
The use of the word heal is very good. It recognises that he is wounded and in pain. "What can I do to help you heal?"

And.. We do get that you are in pain, we do understand that, but your going to get hit over and over again with exactly the sort of language and pain you see in the "attack posts" coming from your H. You will have seen it and you will know what it is.

We really do want to help and if you check out the BS threads you will see that we can be pretty harsh there too! They were to me! 
There is a whole mess of emotions and lies to put on the table and this is painful.


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## Affaircare

Sunshine~

Okay just FYI the first few days after finding out, it is just impossible to eat--I mean it is physically impossible to swallow anything past the lump in your throat. However, you know and I know (and he knows) that a human being needs to eat something to stay alive. Thus I suggest a few practical things. 

1) Buy some lotion kleenex and put them in his man-cave. Don't say anything and don't point them out...just put 'em in there. He may not want to cry in front of you, but I bet he is crying and if you use normal tissue is gradually chaps your eyelids and nose.

2) Buy some nice hearty Campbell's soups or maybe some dinners that are easy to "heat up and eat" and keep them in a place he can see. Soup is not a fab-u-lous dinner, but it is warm, it does fill the tummy, and when you have a lump in your throat it's thin enough to swallow. Again, you don't have to point them out, just put 'em where they can be seen. 

3) Stay at your home, stay as open and transparent as you can, and just wait. He spoke with you today when he said "You broke my heart" so that means he is thinking about it and said something out loud (a good sign). Just keep being patient and sort of "available" and when he's able to talk, he'll come to you. 

4) It is conceivable he may want to do something comforting and "non-relationship-related" like just watch a show you two like. Think of something simple and a bit light-hearted...not something like "hours of deep relationship talk." Shoot when you're in a GOOD relationship "hours of deep talk" doesn't sound fun!!!! So if you have something that's a little light...maybe just holding hands and no talking...that may be meaningful.


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## TDSC60

Sunshine,

In his mind you didn't even consider him at all. His love for you meant nothing to you and you tossed it aside like yesterdays trash. He is probably thinking his marriage is dead. He has been betrayed in the worst way possible. I know you say it was never physical, but he saw the nude pictures you sent to another man. This is physical in a way. To him, that was a promise of sex to the other man at the next opportunity. Why else would a married woman do that? He is also remembering all the trips you have taken with the OM and wondering what you did with him. To your husband you have given your body to the OM. Something that was intimate between you and your husband. That shared exclusiveness is gone forever. 

He told you that you broke his heart. What he is feeling is that you have ripped it from his chest and stomped on it. Now he is questioning everything. His trust in you, your love for him, his masculinity, everything he held near and dear about your life together is now in question. 

So what can you do for him? When he does start talking to you one of the first questions you are going to get is "Why" and "I don't know" or "I didn't mean to hurt you" are not going to be acceptable answers. You need to search inside yourself and find out why you felt that you had to do this. I saw in one of your post that sex was mechanical because of the scheduling. Maybe he felt that way too. You felt unwanted and unattractive. I think this explains a lot.

You seem to be truly remorseful for what you have done. As hard as it may be for you, now your husband is in charge of his future. It is his turn to make the choice of what comes next for him.


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## Initfortheduration

Hang in there sunshine. And don't feel the need to respond to every 2x4. Own what you did (you seem to be really contrite). These are potential responses from you husband. Imagine that these guys here are your husband. Develop the power to withhold any desire to defend yourself with him. If you need to vent, vent here. One thing this is good for is to make you think of why it happened. Please don't lose heart.


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## TDSC60

My comments above were not meant to bash you. It was an attempt to let you understand where your husband is in his mind currently.

You have said that you feel you need to fix this. Please understand that you can do nothing until your husband has decided if it can be fixed or not. Then he will let you know what he needs to move forward with you.

Be patient and understand that he cannot be pushed or persuaded into anything at the moment. It sounds like he is weighing his options. It could go either way. And he will let you know when he is ready.

Sometimes (rarely) a situation like this can bring two people together and make for a stronger marriage. If he decides to stay with you, you both will have to talk about feelings and wants that may be uncomfortable to you both. But you can set the ground rules for more open communication and a better marriage. Good luck.


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## Sunshine0809

An incredible thanks to all of you. I apologize for getting slightly heated, but with all of the emotions I have going on, I just lost it over something stupid. Glad I did it here instead of with my husband. And I so appreciate the supportive posts - they really help me.

So here's the update - when I got home tonight, he was already here and he was in the guest room. I knocked on the door and asked if I could ask him a question. He opened the door and allowed me in. I asked him if he was hungry and told him there was food in the fridge I had made for him earlier. Then I asked if he wanted to come out and watch TV in the family room - I'd go in the living room if he didn't want to see me.

It turned into a serious conversation. He asked me "why" and I told him I had felt neglected and rejected in our physical relationship and instead of coming to him and talking to him about it, I pu**ied out and found attention elsewhere. He considered this for a minute and told me he understood that. Then he called me a hypocrite, told me I had dragged our name through the mud and disrespected not only him but our families. He ended telling me that if I asked him to choose what was going to happen today, he'd either kick me out or move back home with his family. But he did say that he wasn't willing to make that decision yet. 

I guess the communication is a good start. I asked him if he wanted his space again and he said yes, so I came out to the family room and he's in the guest room still (watching TV now - he fixed it). I'm hoping that we can continue to communicate and see where it goes. And I'm hoping there is a third option when it comes to our situation - that we actually work it out.


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## Halien

I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going through with this discussion, and I wish you only the best. It took courage for you to approach it with such self-honesty, and I really think you did really well. Stay strong.


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## bandit.45

> Then he called me a hypocrite, told me I had dragged our name through the mud and disrespected not only him but our families. He ended telling me that if I asked him to choose what was going to happen today, he'd either kick me out or move back home with his family. But he did say that he wasn't willing to make that decision yet.


This is normal...

Your husband is hurting. You need to expect these outbursts for a while. He is reestablishing his dominance and territory. Let him act out.

If had wanted you to leave he would have asked you to leave long ago. Just be patient.


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## Shamwow

Wow...just blasted through your thread in the last hour or two.

If my XW had come to me and expressed the amount of concern for her actions as you are doing for yours...I may not have divorced her. Wanted so bad to have a reason to give her another chance. So you're on the right track.

Your H very well may choose divorce. Especially since this happened so early in your marriage. But if you really are as remorseful as you seem, you have a chance.

Good luck. There's always hope when both parties care.

P.S. Get a job where you don't have to travel. Either that or he comes with EVERY TIME from now on.

** And don't ever do it again.


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## happyman64

And Sunshine,

Continue the positive actions. Actions speak louder than words to battered spouses. We all have felt that we could not believe our battered spouses words because of the secrecy and lies. 

It is as simple as that.

Continue the positive actions. Give him his space but always let him know you are there for him and that you love him.

Way to Go!!! 

And Sham is right, do not ever do this to him again or he will be crushed.

Good Luck and stay in touch. If you get frustrated vent here not on him.

Happy


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## Sunshine0809

Thank you again - it's nice to hear that you all think I'm doing the right things. Based on his current reactions, I feel more like a burden being in the house but I know he's just hurting and eventually he'll make his decision. When we spoke last night, he asked me why I am sleeping on the couch instead of in the bedroom...I told him I wouldn't sleep in "our" bed until he was sleeping there with me. I guess I'm trying to show him that although he has relegated himself to the guest room, I'm punishing myself by sleeping on the couch where I should be. Today is the third morning he hasn't taken his lunch but I'll keep trying. I left him a letter yesterday in the room where he is sleeping and I'll leave another today - I also like the suggestion of leaving some fruit or a snack, so I'm going to the store to get some of his favorite snacks and I'll leave them on the nightstand. 

Although it was a tough conversation, I'm glad that at least we are communicating. The look in his eyes went from so hurt to almost dead. He was super upset about the answers to his questions - where/when/how/why - but I was totally honest with him (hardest conversation I've ever had). I told him I love him more than life, that I am willing to do whatever it takes (I offered the passwords, the spyware on my phone, for him to travel with me, etc) and he told me he doesn't want to live like that, where he is constantly looking at my email or my texts, or hindering me doing my job.

I told him that I had told my parents and he asked their reaction. I said that they are confident that based on how much we love each other, we can make it through this (true conversation). Our best friends (the couple we do everything with) also know and they said the same things. It seems like everyone who knows us who know the situation have the same opinion. The sad part is, we really were that couple that everyone strives to be. On the outside, it seemed like we were perfection. And if I wouldn't have been so scared and would have opened up to him about how I was feeling instead of letting it manifest itself into this, we'd still be that "perfect" couple. 

He told me last night that he has not told his family. I'm taking this as a good sign. They have never been my biggest fans so I know if they knew this, and with as much influence as they have on him, they would have told him to get his a$$ on a plane and divorce me yesterday. But these small signs (yesterday's text, the fact that he spoke to me, the fact that he hasn't told his family, he's still wearing his wedding ring) seem like small victories to me. Maybe I'm reading into it because I want to, but I'm looking for the smallest signs. His dad passed away in October and he told me that he's positive he would have told my husband, "don't take $**t from anyone - not even your wife," and to get out now. I said to my husband, "but we love each other more than to let this destroy us." He nodded, so that's a good sign too.

He left this morning without a word again. I'm just trying to talk when he wants to and leaving him alone when he's not ready. 

Again, I want to sincerely thank all of you for continuing to check up on my story. I don't feel like I have a whole lot of people to talk to right now - to be honest, it's mortifying to admit to people I'm close to that I behaved so horribly. Plus, I don't want to tell people that my husband doesn't want to tell just yet - I don't want to embarrass or emasculate him more than I already have. This forum has been my saving grace.


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## happyman64

Sunshine
These are all good signs.

Keep up the positive actions. Stick with the counselor to get your head on straight so this type of behavior never happens again.

It is good that you guys are talking. It is also good that you told your family and friends. 

Keep your husband updated on what you are doing to heal yourself and that you are in counseling to correct your behavior so you do not deal with these relationship issues in such a poor manner.

I think staying on the couch is a good idea for now.

Keep up the positive actions and let him know you love him and only him.

Happy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap

It's kind of surprising that the man you described as the nicest guy ever, with aspirations of a stay at home dad would crack down on the affair with this level of resolve. Quite an opposite from what we are used to see here!


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## Sunshine0809

snap said:


> It's kind of surprising that the man you described as the nicest guy ever, with aspirations of a stay at home dad would crack down on the affair with this level of resolve. Quite an opposite from what we are used to see here!


I guess it is surprising. In our almost four years together, I have never seen him this upset/angry/mad. Even when his father passed away. He still hasn't really dealt with that - he's been a rock for his mom for the last six months and hasn't really grieved (at least outwardly) so I'm sure that the combination of holding onto that and this being exposed has made it even that much more unbearable. It's also what makes this so much more delicate - since I haven't seen him like this (ever), I am not sure how to adequately deal with it. What does he want? What doesn't he want? Do I approach him or let him approach me? Am I even sure he has the capacity to forgive me? These are all thoughts I have rolling around in my head. I know time will make it better, and I know that the fact that he's communicating a little is a good sign. My fears are that we'll "work it out" for now and months from now, he'll still not have forgiven me. I suppose this is all part of being the one who was responsible for the betrayal.


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## Shaggy

I bet he is in his gut worried it has gone either physical or there have been others. He may not have voiced this to you, but it is likely there.

I do recommend you get a polygraph done to prove to him it wasn't physical - not even a kiss.


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## Sunshine0809

Shaggy said:


> I bet he is in his gut worried it has gone either physical or there have been others. He may not have voiced this to you, but it is likely there.
> 
> I do recommend you get a polygraph done to prove to him it wasn't physical - not even a kiss.


He actually did ask me if there were others. I told him no. And of course he grilled me about every person he knows that I work with. I told him that going forward, I would not go out with anyone one-on-one and I would try to schedule most of my meetings in one day so I can fly in and out in the same day. 

I also told him I'd get a polygraph and he laughed. He said, "Seriously? You want to spend money on that? It's not going to prove anything except that you were sending dirty pictures to this guy, which I already know." So the offer is out there but he doesn't seem to want it.


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## [email protected]

I wish all women were like u , u messed up but caught it early, but it will take time, fight for your marriage, fight for him, the best thing u can do write now, is if he needs his space give it to him, you are doing all the right things, just keep writing a letter daily and leave it in the room, tell him you dont have to read it now, just read it when he's ready and you will see, when god gives him strenght and wisdom and he gets some realm of control back, he will read them come out and hug you. Patience is key, devotion to him and actions , and then you both can work on your marriage together. This will be hard it will work out.


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## TDSC60

Sunshine0809 said:


> I guess it is surprising. In our almost four years together, I have never seen him this upset/angry/mad. Even when his father passed away. He still hasn't really dealt with that - he's been a rock for his mom for the last six months and hasn't really grieved (at least outwardly) so I'm sure that the combination of holding onto that and this being exposed has made it even that much more unbearable. It's also what makes this so much more delicate - since I haven't seen him like this (ever), I am not sure how to adequately deal with it. What does he want? What doesn't he want? Do I approach him or let him approach me? Am I even sure he has the capacity to forgive me? These are all thoughts I have rolling around in my head. I know time will make it better, and I know that the fact that he's communicating a little is a good sign. My fears are that we'll "work it out" for now and months from now, he'll still not have forgiven me. I suppose this is all part of being the one who was responsible for the betrayal.


His attitude is not that surprising really. He is one of a rare breed of men who is confident in what he wants and his ability to logically look at a situation and come up with the answer, then act on it. He is not one of the superficial idiots who has to be the center of attention or thinks that money and power over others are the mark of a real "man". He does not see the point in getting loud in an argument. He will simply state his opinion. He does not sweat the small stuff and will let small disagreements pass him by because they simply do not matter in the long run. In an emergency or difficult situation, he is the calm, cool guy who gets things done and deals with the situation instead of going to pieces emotionally. He is (or was) satisfied/confident with his life.

Does any of this sound like him?

If he is this type of man - you got one of the rare, confident guys who is his own man and will do anything to make you happy and protect you. But who has a definite set of values and will not tolerate people who cross the boundaries he has set for himself. This type of man is often mistaken for a Beta type until one of the boundaries is crossed then everyone is looking at him saying "who is this", "where did he come from". This is because he does not need the attention or validation of other people.

So if your husband is this type of man you have to wait for his decision. Even though he is in control of his temper and you have never really seen it, in this situation he could go off on you and get loud and nasty. It will not last long, but be prepared. If he does this it will be a good sign because he has most likely decided to stay. If he has decides to leave, he will tell you calmly because he has decided that you are not worth the effort going forth and can no longer hurt him.

The flip side is that if he decides to stay and work on your marriage, and you show your commitment, he will NOT decide down the road that he was wrong to stay and leave. But also remember, if he gives you a second chance, there will not be a third if you screw up again.

So far his reaction leads me to believe he is the type of man above. He could still go either way, but I think he is leaning toward staying.

Keep doing what you are doing.

EDIT: Forgot one thing. Having a child is probably off the table for now. Do not be surprised or hurt by this. He will not be comfortable bringing a child into this situation until he is confident that you have learned from your past and are totally committed to him and a life together.


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## snap

Be aware that the topic of pregnancy is likely to surface at some point. He will add two plus two, and it will really look like you were working around the fertility problem. Hope you are honest with everyone here, and this is just a coincidence.

You really, really have to have an other, better and crystal clear explanation as to why you did it.


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## Sunshine0809

snap said:


> Be aware that the topic of pregnancy is likely to surface at some point. He will add two plus two, and it will really look like you were working around the fertility problem. Hope you are honest with everyone here, and this is just a coincidence.
> 
> You really, really have to have an other, better and crystal clear explanation as to why you did it.


I guess I'm a little confused what you mean as far as the pregnancy thing goes. I've got issues getting pregnant. We've both been tested and I'm the one with the problems. The only issue is that our sex life was focused around going through all of these tests and schedules and somewhere along the line, we lost interest in the fun part. The other guy literally had nothing to do with pregnancy. And again, this wasn't a physical affair so that wasn't even an option. If I am misunderstanding your point, I apologize and please explain so it makes sense to me.


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## snap

Oh, I didn't realize that it was you who had the issues, sorry.

(I know it wasn't a PA by the discovery time, but it looks like it was heading there)


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## bandit.45

Sunshine,

Can we go back and talk about the marriage and affair timeline?

First, how old are you and your husband? I'm not sure if you already stated that. 

If I piece your posts together, you and your husband have been together in toto for 3.5 years. You have been married 1.5 years.

This seems like an awfully short time in which to have already been having marital issues, especially such that would cause you to engage in an affair. This indicates you really need to work on your personal boundaries. My wife and I were never able to have children due to her physical issues, but that was a problem which was completely isolated from her adulterous behavior. She cheated on me because she has non-existent personal boundaries and lack of morals. 

Were you ever worried during your courtship that you were sexually incompatible? I understand how the scheduled sex in order to make a baby may have put a damper on the romance aspects, but since the average healthy male is ready to have sex with his wife 24/7 this should not have really been an issue for your husband. It seems that this issue is more yours to own. Am I wrong? 

I'm just wondering if you rushed into a marriage with someone who is incompatible with you sexually, and not sure how to satisfay you in bed, either emotionally and physically. If you do pull out of this mess, and he does agree to go to counseling with you, I would also ask the counselor to refer you to a sex therapist who can help you and your husband overcome these issues.


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## Sunshine0809

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Just my opinion, but be cautious and selective about who you and he tell, including family. The more people you tell, the more people you will have looking at you in judgment. If you do decide to reconcile, it's going to trying enough without having to deal with everyone else's opinion about it. I think this is one of those too-many-cooks-spoil-the-broth situations. It's between you and your husband to work out.
> 
> My parents don't know what I did. They are very moral and it would kill them. They love my dh like a son.


I appreciate that. I had to tell my parents - we're very close and I'm an only child. I needed to talk to someone that knows us. Our best friends were there when the text was discovered. Other than that, I'm leaving it to him to decide who else we tell. But I know exactly what you mean, I definitely don't want everyone's eyes on us in judgement if we are able to work it out.


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## Sunshine0809

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Yikes...did I miss that in your original post? That must have been really awkward and strained with your friends there. How did that aspect of it play out?


I didn't go into much detail about the actual discovery...basically, we were in a separate car than our friends and we all stopped at a pharmacy so I could get a band-aid for my foot. I left my phone in the car because my husband was playing music on it. He came barreling into the pharmacy telling me to take him home and proceeded to ask me who "insert OM name here" was and to tell him what he just saw on my texts. They were also in the parking lot and we were around the corner from their house, so he told me to take him to their place so he could get out of my company. The friends have extended their support to both of us. They've both told both if us that they think our love will overcome. It was definitely tough to tell my parents as well. They are disappointed but supportive.


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## Sunshine0809

bandit.45 said:


> Sunshine,
> 
> Can we go back and talk about the marriage and affair timeline?
> 
> First, how old are you and your husband? I'm not sure if you already stated that.
> 
> If I piece your posts together, you and your husband have been together in toto for 3.5 years. You have been married 1.5 years.
> 
> This seems like an awfully short time in which to have already been having marital issues, especially such that would cause you to engage in an affair. This indicates you really need to work on your personal boundaries. My wife and I were never able to have children due to her physical issues, but that was a problem which was completely isolated from her adulterous behavior. She cheated on me because she has non-existent personal boundaries and lack of morals.
> 
> Were you ever worried during your courtship that you were sexually incompatible? I understand how the scheduled sex in order to make a baby may have put a damper on the romance aspects, but since the average healthy male is ready to have sex with his wife 24/7 this should not have really been an issue for your husband. It seems that this issue is more yours to own. Am I wrong?
> 
> I'm just wondering if you rushed into a marriage with someone who is incompatible with you sexually, and not sure how to satisfay you in bed, either emotionally and physically. If you do pull out of this mess, and he does agree to go to counseling with you, I would also ask the counselor to refer you to a sex therapist who can help you and your husband overcome these issues.


Bandit, you are correct. We have been together 3.5 years and married 1.5 (or just a little over). We are in our mid-30s. I can honestly say that we are sexually compatible, but the frequency with which we actually engage in sex is negligible. We've literally had sex four times in 2012. That is, since the beginning of the year. He doesn't have a physical problem, I'm just afraid I'm more in the "friend zone" with him. It has made me feel undesirable. We have gotten into a routine of come home from work, I make dinner and he watches TV, we eat, he cleans up, we watch our shows for the night and then go to bed. We tend to cuddle most nights but that's about where it ends. And I've tried - lingerie, cute underwear, whatever - and sometimes it works but a majority of the time, it's just like "I'm tired." Not to be a jerk, but I'm pretty cute, I work out to keep my figure in shape and I'm not afraid to try new things in the bedroom. He TELLS me all of the time how beautiful/pretty/cute he thinks I am, but there's not a lot of ACTING on it. We've had several occasions where the sex has been exciting and amazing. I want him to want me, and I guess right now, I don't feel like he really does. I did tell him that was the "why" I was looking for attention elsewhere. I was very careful how I said it and told him I don't blame him, I blame myself for not talking to him more openly about it. I used to try to "seduce" him a lot - I have more or less given up in the last six-eight months because the rejection was really starting to take it's toll. And occasionally, he'll make a joke about how we haven't had sex in three or four weeks or whatever. That's not a joke to me! I know those should have been my openings to talk, but I didn't take them. That's where I got off the track. And now it's led to this...


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## warlock07

I might have missed this part but was there a lot of sexting? Or just flirty messages? What do you mean by pretty deep stuff.

Were the pictures explicit or just risque ?(cleavage vs crotch shots)

I am mixing up stories here..


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## Sunshine0809

warlock07 said:


> I might have missed this part but was there a lot of sexting? Or just flirty messages? What do you mean by pretty deep stuff.
> 
> Were the pictures explicit or just risque ?(cleavage vs crotch shots)
> 
> I am mixing up stories here..


I would say they were more flirty than "sexting," minus the pics. There were three pics, two were cleavage, one (the one my husband saw) was breasts. No crotch shots or anything.


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## JokesOnMe

Honestly I don't think there is much you can do beyond what you have done. If I was a friend of your husband's the advice I would give him is to cut his losses. The idea that the woman he trusted would cheat on him while actively trying to conceive is disgusting. I think that is what the other user was referring to. I know it didn't reach an actual sexual affair but it was going there. What would have happened then? 

You didn't confess and he caught you. That is telling. I suppose you deserve some credit for coming clean but that is like applauding a rapist for confessing. A little too late. And you were not even married for two years. If it happened now its not a great sign. 

I wouldn't put too much stock in your husband not telling his family or still wearing his ring. Its embarrassing and emasculating to be cheated on. Its more likely he isn't ready to deal with the fallout than he is still wants you. 

I'm sorry if this is harsh but there isn't much you can do. The ball is in your husband's court. It is up to him if he wants to forgive you. I think he would be better off with someone else who is faithful and who can actually give him children. But its his call.


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## bandit.45

Well the pics would have gotten more risque and the flirting hotter had you not backed off of this relationship with the OM. You need to accept that as a real possibility. 

If you are able to get him to stay with the marriage then the issues of sex and intimacy need to be dealt with down the road. The two of you fell out of sync with each other during a time in your marriage when you should have been mating daily like rabbits. 
You each own 50% of that screw-up.
[


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## Jellybeans

Why don't you and your husband have sex? I am confused. I thoguth you said you felt all the sex you were having felt like "trying to get pregnant/babymaking sex" so it wasn't as passionate but now you are saying you barely have sex.

I am confused :scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration

By your husband's response it seems that all that is left is contemplation and a decision. I am encouraged by his response to your offering a polygraph. He is obviously in the acceptance stage. That doesn't mean anything more then he is over the initial shock. Right now he is considering what can be salvaged. He is thinking that he has a different wife then he married. He probably had you on a bit of a pedestal. Well the pedestal is gone, and hes looking at you straight in the eye. Have you thought of writing him an apology? Writing him a letter may help. It removes all facial expression and responses so that he can concentrate on what you are saying. There is not the pressure to come back defensively. It would simply be you pouring your heart out to him. Just remember, no one gets over this, till he gets over this. Good luck.


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## bandit.45

Like I said Sunshine, there are a lot of angry walking wounded on this board and some of them like to go off on the nearest wayward they can find. Take it all with a grain of salt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JokesOnMe

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> "actually give him children??" That is rude. Infertility, unlike infidelity, is not a choice, and it is painful to go through


Maybe it was rude. My intention was not to be rude. All I was trying to say is the betrayed husband is weighing his choices. If I was him I would consider her infertility. If he wants a family why stay with a cheating wife who cannot have children? I think the infertility is absolutely relevant considering the OP mentioned it as part of the reason they were having marital problems.


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## Bugz Bunny

JokesOnMe said:


> and who can actually give him children.



This part of your comment is just rude and disgusting...

When two people truly love each other,not been able to have children is the most ridiculous reason to break up/divorce...

When they truly love each other they always can adopt a child and be happy...

The topic here is about EA and how to help this person and her husband and not about insulting someone for not being able to have biological children...


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## happyman64

Very true lady frog. And sometimes one of us in the marriage requires a bigger shovel but both spouses need to shovel together.

Keep putting yourself out there sunshine!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JokesOnMe

Bugz Bunny said:


> This part of your comment is just rude and disgusting...
> 
> When two people truly love each other,not been able to have children is the most ridiculous reason to break up/divorce...
> 
> When they truly love each other they always can adopt a child and be happy...


Does the OP really love her husband? That is the million dollar question. I find it hard to believe that she does considering she was cheating on him while they were essentially newlyweds. Maybe its my personal bias talking but she can say all she wants that she loves him but you have to judge her by her actions. And of course you can be happy without children but the OP mentioned they wanted children and her infertility was an issue. 

I stand by the comment. I think you are misunderstanding it. It wasn't meant to insult or demean the OP. It was framed as advice if I would give to her husband. If having a family is important to him this may be his last chance. If he is half as good a man as Sunshine says he is he deserves better. My sympathy is with him not the OP. That is where I was coming from.


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## Bugz Bunny

JokesOnMe said:


> Does the OP really love her husband? That is the million dollar question. I find it hard to believe that she does considering she was cheating on him while they were essentially newlyweds. Maybe its my personal bias talking but she can say all she wants that she loves him but you have to judge her by her actions. And of course you can be happy without children but the OP mentioned they wanted children and her infertility was an issue.
> 
> I stand by the comment. I think you are misunderstanding it. It wasn't meant to insult or demean the OP. It was framed as advice if I would give to her husband. If having a family is important to him this may be his last chance. If he is half as good a man as Sunshine says he is he deserves better. My sympathy is with him not the OP. That is where I was coming from.


I dont know if Sunshine loves him or not...she had an EA and will probably end up divorced or in a miserable marriage because her husband will never forget and will trigger for a long time.Affairs destroy marriages and it's a fact...

And when I was speaking about "true love" I was speaking about couples in general that have infertility issues...

Maybe It wasn't meant to insult or demean the OP,but believe me this is a sensitive thing especially for women and no matter how kindly you point someones infertility issues out it is still insulting for persons that have that kind of problems...


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## JokesOnMe

Bugz Bunny said:


> will probably end up divorced or in a miserable marriage because her husband will never forget and will trigger for a long time.Affairs destroy marriages and it's a fact...


Wow. Way to blame the husband. Its not her husband's fault for struggling to forgive. Its Sunshine's fault for sending pictures of her tits to other men and whatever else she did.


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## bandit.45

> Wow. Way to blame the husband. Its not her husband's fault for struggling to forgive. Its Sunshine's fault for sending pictures of her tits to other men and whatever else she did.


Real smooth dude.


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## ing

<begin rant>
It is hard for a WS to come here. It takes guts to take what what we say. It takes guts to say " I was wrong. I did it. Help me"

Give the woman some credit. She had an EA sent a few photos and got sprung. 
Don't you wish your WW had come here and done this?
Don't you wish that your WW had had the guts?

There is a real chance this marriage can recover and we see precious few of those on here. 
Lets keep HELPING hey!
<rant over.>


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## JokesOnMe

I'm sorry? I didn't think I was being harsh. The idea that divorce is inevitable because the husband won't forgive is crazy. I do realize that the OP is not that bad of a cheating wife by comparison. Her cheating is fairly minor (the disclaimer being if it really was just the sexting). I doubt her husband feels great that it was "only" sexting. It does take some guts to seek help and I think she should be applauded for that. But it doesn't mean you can't mention that she had an affair (emotional or physical an affair is an affair).


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## Badblood

Sunshine, I believe that you and your husband should divorce, and I'll tell you why I feel that way. You have only been married for a year and a half, and already you have cheated. The reasons why you cheated are partly your own boundary issues with men, and partly sexual issues with your husband, but regardless, these are serious issues that have broken many a marriage. You should still be in the honeymoon stage. For at least 2 years after a marriage, you should still be f**king like bunnies, instead of only 4 times in 3 months. So even if you can regain your husband's trust, you still have a low sex marriage, so the same thing is likely to happen again. You were caught cheating, and if your husband had not caught you, you would, most likely have "done the deed", at some point. You showed no signs of quitting, before he caught you, so the affair would have continued. You have said that you feel your husband isn't "alpha", enough for you, so you are always going to admire those men who measure up to your criteria. BTW, the FIRST thing you need to do is forget all about those "alpha", and " beta", stereotypes, they are used by the gullible to explain their own ideas of success or failure, instead of looking at a person as an individual. Considering all of these issues, and considering your attitude, I feel that you BOTH would be happier with other people. You could have your shallow "alpha", male and your husband could have a loyal, caring wife, who sees that it takes more than muscle to make a man.


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## Badblood

BTW, if you have read any of my posts, you would see that I'm a Black Marine Officer. I am what most people call an "alpha", male. But the finest man I ever knew was 5' 8" tall, wieghed maybe 165 or 170. He was very quiet, and retiring, and VERY shy around women, but in battle, he had the heart of a Lion. He was impervious to fear, always clear-headed, and lead his men by example. During my deployments to Iraq and Afghanistan , he was my commanding officer, and the bravest human being I ever knew. So you and many other people need to forget all about that "alpha" and "beta" sh*t and learn to value a human being on their own merits. OK, rant over.


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## snap

ing said:


> It is hard for a WS to come here. It takes guts to take what what we say. It takes guts to say " I was wrong. I did it. Help me"
> 
> Give the woman some credit. She had an EA sent a few photos and got sprung.
> Don't you wish your WW had come here and done this?
> Don't you wish that your WW had had the guts?


Ing, there's a flip side to it. Just as plenty a folk love to bash an occasional wayward that wanders in here, there are people that project their hopes and urges to reconcile on any cheater who shows any sign of remorse.

From the waywards that stop by this forum, the better half is unremorseful, and much of those that do show remorse turn out either liars or not into it for the long haul. Remember wingsoflove?

So yes we shouldn't just bash WS endlessly, but it's best to be a bit more reserved and less congratulatory. As usual, we never know the full story.


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## Bugz Bunny

JokesOnMe said:


> Wow. Way to blame the husband. Its not her husband's fault for struggling to forgive. Its Sunshine's fault for sending pictures of her tits to other men and whatever else she did.


Ok,and how exactly am I blaming her husband for the posible divorce...I am a BS, my ex W cheated and after D day was remorseful,regreted everything,wanted to work on marriage,etc. but I filed for divorce because I knew that I would never forget and would never see her the same way as pre affair,and she would always be a trigger for me...

So the WS is to blame for the affair and divorce but when you have a remorseful BS who wants to work on the marriage the reason for divorce was the BSs inability to "get over it" and it's a normal thing and it's actually a miracle if the BS can forget,and view his/her WS the same way as pre Affair...There is no blame on BS for that because as I stated previously affairs destroy marriages and its a fact...


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## AngryandUsed

*BTW, the FIRST thing you need to do is forget all about those "alpha", and " beta", stereotypes, they are used by the gullible to explain their own ideas of success or failure, instead of looking at a person as an individual.*

True. Very.


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## JokesOnMe

Ok,and how exactly am I blaming her husband for the posible divorce? You said she would end up divorced because her husband probably wouldn't be able to forgive her. The impression I received from your initial comment was that was the primary reason for the divorce not the OP's actions. 

I guess I misunderstood what you were trying to say. What if felt like without knowing your full story is that you were making excuses for a woman who was cheating on her newlywed husband. I do think you have been awfully understanding (more so than is reasonable) towards the OP. She wouldn't have said a thing if she didn't get caught!


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## naperken

Sunshine,

I've been reading this forum for some time, but have yet to post until now because your story has touched me and I wanted to give you a little ray of hope and words of encouragement. I'm 2 and a half weeks out from the d-day of my wife's EA and I credit much that I've read from this community with preventing me from walking out and not reconciling with my wife.

I can identify with much of how you've described your husband. My wife would also describe me as smart (electrical/computer engineer at a govt high energy physics lab), logical, analytical, very cool and competent under fire, takes most of what life throws at me without breaking stride, compassionate, etc... you get the picture. But my wife's infidelity absolutely destroyed me to the very core.

Two things brought me back from the abyss and allowed me to forgive her and be open to healing our marriage.

First, she did exactly what you're doing. Took full responsibility, didn't once try to parse it in any way. Showed complete remorse, shame, and guilt for her actions. Answered every question I threw at her without hesitation. She's seeing a therapist and describes to me in detail what they discussed and how the therapist is taking her to task to confront her 'demons' (issues, baggage, call it whatever you want). Every day, without fail, she tells me how sorry she is and how she's fully committed to returning our relationship to a healthy and happy one. Do I believe her? The best way I can answer that questions is that I want to believe her more each day.

2nd, interestingly enough, was finding this community a week before d-day, looking for answers, and reading & identifying with a huge thread of a guy going through the suspicion and discovery of an EA, and the eventual start of a reconciliation. Many old-timers here would remember the 'MrNiceGuy' thread (AC, I'm sure, would). There were repeated references to Athol Kay's book, so I checked Amazon reviews and bought it. Most of it makes complete sense to me (ymmv), but the part that immediately caught me was his discussion of the 'rationalization hamster'... "It's what allows rational and kind people to do the most illogical and horrible things to the people that love them most in the world." Reading these words allowed me to be open to her when the full force of the discovery of the EA sucker punched me.

I'd like to believe that in the 2 and a half weeks since, we've made some good progress on a journey that will, no doubt take years to complete, if at all... I remain hopeful.

I hope my ramblings make some semblance of sense to you and you have my best wishes in your own reconciliation journey with your husband.


FWIW, I don't agree that 'Alpha' and 'Beta' concepts are for the gullible. Are they the only truth? Absolutely not, but IMHO they are a pretty big one.


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## warlock07

Brace yourself for trickle truth naperken. Some truth might be still lying out there..


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## Goldmember357

Fantasy world some people live in its obvious their are huge problems in this marriage lack of sexless marriage and i imagine a million other problems. Thus drove her to this among her also lack of control and being corrupted momentarily and possess the cheating gene all she needed was justification though under hard times it can seem appealing its never the right thing to do. An exception would be someone forced to marry who runs off with another.


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## naperken

warlock07 said:


> Brace yourself for trickle truth naperken. Some truth might be still lying out there..


Thanks for the concern and advise, Warlock, but I was all over that. She's given me numerous verifiable signals that she's out of the fog now. I'm not going into the co-dependent zone here, she knows what she has to do and what's at stake.


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## ing

snap said:


> Ing, there's a flip side to it. Just as plenty a folk love to bash an occasional wayward that wanders in here, there are people that project their hopes and urges to reconcile on any cheater who shows any sign of remorse.
> 
> From the waywards that stop by this forum, the better half is unremorseful, and much of those that do show remorse turn out either liars or not into it for the long haul. Remember wingsoflove?
> 
> So yes we shouldn't just bash WS endlessly, but it's best to be a bit more reserved and less congratulatory. As usual, we never know the full story.


It is a fair point and i suppose the fact the Sunshine appears remorseful is a something I would loved to have seen in my own STBXW and I may be projecting my hopes for intial R on this situation. 
I suppose that fact that this did not go to PA and Sunshine does not keep saying " But I am so in love with OM" makes me think that there is a chance.

There is something here that I had not absorbed properly though.
No Kids, 3 years in and infrequent sex
I suspect her H will end it. I probably would. There is not enough to fight for. There is not enough history to make the pain worthwhile.


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## TDSC60

ing said:


> It is a fair point and i suppose the fact the Sunshine appears remorseful is a something I would loved to have seen in my own STBXW and I may be projecting my hopes for intial R on this situation.
> I suppose that fact that this did not go to PA and Sunshine does not keep saying " But I am so in love with OM" makes me think that there is a chance.
> 
> There is something here that I had not absorbed properly though.
> No Kids, 3 years in and infrequent sex
> I suspect her H will end it. I probably would. There is not enough to fight for. There is not enough history to make the pain worthwhile.


They have only been married for one 1 1/2 years (18 months) according to her original post. She developed "feelings" for OM after one conversation on a business trip. Then she took it deeper to the point she was sending nude pictures of herself to him. She does not say how long the A has been going on.

I wish her the best but, I would not be surprised if husband walks away, as ING says, there is not enough history together at this point.


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## cledus_snow

i think the overall problem with reconciliation, lies in the doubt a BS carries about the loyalty and sincerity of a WS's love.

i think someone else pointed out the minimal amount of time these two have been together....marriage wise. 1.5 years, and she's already looking elsewhere? this is not a good start.

if i were him, i'd definetly hold off on having kids with her. there's just to many questions concerning character, here.


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## TDSC60

I quickly skimmed over this thread again because I suddenly realized that something was missing (or didn't remember seeing).

I see, guilt, remorse, "I am the jerk who did it", "my fault" - all the remorseful responses for being the cause of pain from a truly sorry WW.

I see nice, caring, honest, good man, didn't deserve this - husband.

I see the fixer wanting to fix this.

What I did not see is Sunshine saying that she is in love with her husband. What I do not see is her saying that she would be devastated if he goes for divorce and she loses him. I see her referring to the "relationship" but never calls it her marriage. It leaves me wondering if she is in love with her husband and committed to a marriage or just upset because she may lose the "safe harbor".

Sunshine?


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## Beowulf

TDSC60 said:


> I quickly skimmed over this thread again because I suddenly realized that something was missing (or didn't remember seeing).
> 
> I see, guilt, remorse, "I am the jerk who did it", "my fault" - all the remorseful responses for being the cause of pain from a truly sorry WW.
> 
> I see nice, caring, honest, good man, didn't deserve this - husband.
> 
> I see the fixer wanting to fix this.
> 
> What I did not see is Sunshine saying that she is in love with her husband. What I do not see is her saying that she would be devastated if he goes for divorce and she loses him. I see her referring to the "relationship" but never calls it her marriage. It leaves me wondering if she is in love with her husband and committed to a marriage or just upset because she may lose the "safe harbor".
> 
> Sunshine?


I agree with you but I hope it is just a wording issue. However, it is troubling in a Freudian kind of way that she hasn't said these things. I am doubting we will ever hear from her again. I'm not sure she liked the things she heard or maybe her husband already made his decision and there is no marriage to save anymore.


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