# Depressed Boyfriend. Advice for me?



## Thelen (Jul 1, 2010)

Hello, 

I've never posted on a message board like this before, but I'm hoping that some of you can provide some insight about what is going on in my relationship right now. 

My boyfriend and I are both 26. We have had an amazing relationship for the past 7 months, and it all went by like a storybook romance. We said "I love you" quite soon, and everything was seemingly perfect. For the first time in my life, I finally felt what is feels like to really be in love (something I thought I had experienced before but quickly realized I hadn't once I met this guy). It's almost like we are the same person...we have the same beliefs on travel, family, and lifestyle. We have the same sense of humor and usually spend most of our time together laughing hysterically (a characteristic that I MUST have in a guy). Needless to say, I was thinking this guy was the one. All signs pointed to him being perfect! 

He recently relocated to my home city for the summer (from his home of Ireland), and the plan is for me to go back with him at the end of summer to begin my postgraduate studies in Ireland. Everything started out great, and now he is depressed. 

I realize he is in a new place where he doesn't know anyone but me. I try to encourage him to go out and do fun things, get to know the city, utilize the numerous "meetups" that take place for 20s/30s in my city. He is walking distance to public transportation, and could easily go anywhere he pleases. He works freelance, so he isn't always working, and he finds himself with a lot of time on his hands during the day when I'm working my 9-5 job. 

He first expressed his feelings of depression and loneliness/anxiety about being in a new place last week. He had a good cry, I was very supportive, and things seemed to get better after that. He said he would make an active effort to get out of the house, maybe even take some guitar lessons, and he did. 

I had a week off work this week, and he kept saying how good it was going to be for us to get out of town and be "us" again. I agreed. We drove to the beach, we had a great evening, we went to sleep, and he woke up depressed and crying, saying he didn't know why he was feeling that way. 

Today, after only being at the beach (a 6 hour drive) for 24 hours, he begged to go back to our house. Then he said he wasn't sure where he was at. I asked if he loved me, and he said he didn't know anymore and he couldn't say at that exact moment. I drove us home on a deadly silent 6 hour ride back. We have just arrived. We are in separate beds because I can't stand to look at him knowing that he's questioning his love for me. 

I realize that depression can mess with a person's mind, but it shouldn't make you think you don't love a person, should it? What should I do? I'm heartbroken over this, and the replay of him saying what he said to me today is going around and around in my mind. I told him that love meant loving that person ALL THE TIME, through good and bad. But it seems that he is throwing away our entire relationship because he's recently felt sad and lonely. Is there any going back from that? I feel as though I couldn't trust him to tell me he loved me now, even if he said it again. 

Sorry for the long winded post. I just need to know if any of you have experienced the same kind of hurtful things from your depressed partner/spouse, and how you coped with it?

THANK YOU.


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## Capital P (Jun 17, 2010)

Thanks for posting Thelen. First things first, let me assure you that there is absolutely no way that he does not love you. You have to believe that, and try to find a way to look beyond the fearful thoughts that cloud your thinking right now. You cannot turn the thoughts off, but you can know deep in yourself that they are a natural defence mechanism that you can rise above. 

As a woman, you are likely to be feeling that if he can't say he loves you at every moment, then there's a chance that he'll reject you. The consequences of that happening are too great for you to bear, so your 'flight-or-fight' instincts are kicking into gear. Your mind may be telling you that in order to avoid the rejection, you must reject him first. However, rejecting him is too dire for you to contemplate because you love him, so the fight instinct is rearing its head - i.e. It wants to fight for his declaration of love until that declaration or demonstration of love soothes the fear inside.

There is a man-woman perception divide here also. When he uses words like "I don't know anymore and I can't say at this exact moment", he is, as a man, speaking in that exact moment, not for the whole of life. The thing that is so damaging about depression is that it not only alters emotions but also alters perceptions. It is likely that he is quite emotionally numb at present. In his mind all those emotions and perceptions that have made up 'love' to him until now are being challenged. This may well be a natural manifestation of entering into a new phase in life - he may never have been this deeply in love and so fully committed to someone before, and he is struggling with reconciling the reality with the pre-determined fantasy. His thoughts may well be along the lines of "I always thought that when I was really in love with a woman that I couldn't get depressed, but now I am, so that causes me to doubt my love." 

In telling you he doesn't know, he is not saying that he thinks he might not love you, but that he doesn't know what love is anymore because this is going beyond what he ever understood love to be. He is trying to be as honest as he possibly can with you - not trying to hide things inside because he things they might sound bad. Take it from me as a man (and one who struggles with depression and marriage), this is more of an expression of love to you than anything on Earth. He will work through this, allowing his perception of love to 'catch up' with the reality. All he needs at this time is your love - the love that you have for him that stands independently of whether you feel his love in return.

As hard as it is (and you may need some guidance from other women in this), one request I have as a man, is please do not lay down ultimatums at this time (as in "Just say you love me!") - it will make him feel that he has no choice but to say what you want to hear, rather than being free to express himself openly. This will take some real courage and vulnerability on your part. But above all else, using this time to connect rather than divide is what's important.

I hope this is in some way helpful, and hasn't come across too confrontational. Let me reassure you, you two have something worth building on together. You can do this.


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## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

Depression can do all sorts of things. If he is truly depressed and it is something that he has dealt with for along time then he needs to go to a Dr and see about getting medication and also start talking to a counselor. Both can completely transform a person.


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## mackenzie7386 (Jun 21, 2010)

Thanx for sharing

 Drug Rehab


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## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

:iagree: Capital P: You gave some great advice. All relationships face challenges. When you are depressed, your emotions are irrational, and that is probably what prompted his confusion about his love. I've learned through therapy that when you're depressed, you can't live by your emotions; rather, you have to think rationally and live by your values. This is difficult to do when you're depressed. I'm speaking from experience here. I know I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but when I'm depressed, I don't "feel" like I love him. It has taken some time for him to recognize and deal with this. Don't give up on him. This phase will pass. The best thing you can do is to be there for him and ride it out.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have been treated for depression in the past. When you are in the midst of a massive depressive episode, you can feel completely disconnected from everyone and everything. As someone else said, emotions and perceptions are altered by the depression. I seriously doubt that he doesn't love you. The depression has just affected him in such a way that he doesn't know what he feels, and he would probably give the same response if you asked him if he loved his mom or his cat. 

Not to throw your words back at you, but you believe that loving someone means loving them all the time. Live up to that. Be there for him as he goes through this, and don't give up on him. Don't let him walk all over you or treat you horribly or abuse you, of course, but don't just walk away because of that one comment. Support him and be there, and when he comes out of this, I'm sure he'll assure you that he does in fact love you, and that your support and love helped get him through and made him love you even more.


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## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Capital P that is good advice. I'm married, 3 years now, and am experiencing my husband go through some sort of depression. He has just started seeing a therapist, and I have decided to stand by him whether he knows if he still loves me or not. As we are, he doesn't know (i believe he still does, but...) he thinks the spark has gone, and is bringing up examples of differences we have in certain view points, and turning them into realisations of why we are not working anymore, in his view...It is hurtful. Very hurtful. And I have just only been told by him a few days ago...

But reading your advice, it gave hope. I need that.


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## BBB2111 (Sep 26, 2012)

I am going through the exact thing right now, how did things pan out for you?


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## BBB2111 (Sep 26, 2012)

Capital P said:


> Thanks for posting Thelen. First things first, let me assure you that there is absolutely no way that he does not love you. You have to believe that, and try to find a way to look beyond the fearful thoughts that cloud your thinking right now. You cannot turn the thoughts off, but you can know deep in yourself that they are a natural defence mechanism that you can rise above.
> 
> As a woman, you are likely to be feeling that if he can't say he loves you at every moment, then there's a chance that he'll reject you. The consequences of that happening are too great for you to bear, so your 'flight-or-fight' instincts are kicking into gear. Your mind may be telling you that in order to avoid the rejection, you must reject him first. However, rejecting him is too dire for you to contemplate because you love him, so the fight instinct is rearing its head - i.e. It wants to fight for his declaration of love until that declaration or demonstration of love soothes the fear inside.
> 
> ...


this post has been extremely helpful to me as I am currently going through this with my boyfriend. 2 years in a loving caring relationship and he left my house 8 weeks ago after we had been away. We had been making plans for Christmas, holidays, our future and he left my house that night saying he would ring me the next day. That was 8 weeks ago today and I haven't had any contact at all. I message him now and then to tell him that I love him and that I am still here for him, as I always have been when this happens. This time it has gone on longer though, and he has completely ignored my calls and texts. Part of me thinks that because he has not actually said he wants us to break up, that he doesn't want to or at least doesn't know if he wants to. I just have to wait and see what happens. Your post gives me a glimmer of hope. I am sure he loves me, I have never doubted it. This depressions seems to be worse over the summer months, he told me he struggles at that time of year. Do I just keep reassuring him by texts and e mails that I love him and I'm here for him? It's making me feel like a fool sometimes.


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## BBB2111 (Sep 26, 2012)

What good advice CapitalP, reading that has made me feel a litle better today. My boyfriend of 2/3 years suddenly left my hous 8 weeks ago after slipping into depression again. He said he would call me the next da. That was it. Nothing despite my calls texts nd visits. he has not replied to anything and wouldn't open his door. We were in a loving caring relationship ad were planning things right up til the night he went home.

I am the first person he has had a relationship for 3 years. He told me when he 'disappeared' the first summer that he has ruined every relationship because of his depression. This is the third summer that this has happened, each time lasting 2/3 months. He was really optimistic this last year and told me that he was never running off again and that he was going no where. He really believed it too. Then it just happened again. I noticed the signs over a week or so. We were going away with my kids on a weeks holiday and I know he would have given anyting to drop out even though he booked it and paid for it. It must have been a real struggle for him to even pack his case. We went away but it was awful. He was picking on my kids, blaming them for his anger etc. He told me he had been depressed the week before (which I knew anyway, I saw the signs) He kept saying he should go home and leave us there because he couldn't cope with i??? The kids didn't really do much wrong? I think he was just looking for a way out. He seemed 'overwhelmed' So, we came home a day early and that was the last time I saw him or spoke to him. I message him once a week letting him know I love him and that I'm here for him. What else can I do???.


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