# Lazy Wife - Starting to Crack



## WilliamMoney (Dec 16, 2014)

Let me preface this post by saying I'm using it mostly to vent.
I'll take advice but I'm not sure it'll do any good.

I'll try to make this as coherent as possible but I'll probably end rambling and it might not make as much sense as I hoped.
But here goes.

Over the past year or so I've been feeling really stressed out and on more than one occasion very pissed off.
The reason for this, is that I feel I do the Lions Share of work in this household. From the small (putting out the garbage) to the large (budgets and paying bills) it seems every task is on my shoulders. 
The only thing that my wife does is homework with the kids. 

I handle laundry, groceries, lawn care, car care, cleaning the house, budget, paying bills, home repair, garbage, recycling.... and now that I'm working from home I can now add meals to the list.
Before our 18-month-old came along, we had 2 kids in school full time and yet she still worked part-time.
During those Monday's and Friday's, she did nothing. 
I only found out later that she could have been working full time, but chose not to. I don't mind that, as long as she's using those 2 days off to help contribute to the household and family. But she wasn't.
I was still finding myself doing 6-10 loads of laundry on the weekend while cleaning the house. That's still on top of getting groceries and doing all my regular tasks.
After one weekend where I had done 8 loads of laundry, cleaned the house, gotten groceries and cooked all the meals, I kind of got upset.
I told her that i didn't think it was fair that she only works 3 days a week and yet I'm the one doing all the housework despite working a 55-hour workweek.
I then told her how much having a nice clean home is important to me.
So that Friday she cleaned the house from top to bottom. It was awesome. The house looked fantastic.
Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".
My wife said she nearly cried when he said that. She then realized that she needed to do more. Especially if it meant that much to her kids.
That was the one and only time she cleaned the house during the entire time she's worked part-time.
Even hearing her son tell her how much he loved a clean home did little to motivate her in doing more for the family.

I just don't feel like I have an equal partner in this relationship.
I don't feel like I have someone to lean on when I need help.
For example when we first got married I felt she should handle the bills and budget since she was in the financial advisory business.
As the years ticked by, I noticed our debt rising and rising.
I kept asking her (begging her eventually) to seek help from colleagues or another professional to sort things out.
Every time I brought it up she'd cry and say sorry and that she would make sure to get things in order. But she never did.
Eventually, one day when coming home from work, I stopped for groceries to get some milk and a few other supplies. 
The total was $21 and my ATM card got rejected. I tried to use my credit card, but that got rejected too. I found a 2nd credit card that had enough funds to pay for the food.
When I got home, and after we ate, I asked the kids to go play in their room and then I asked my wife what was going on.
Again, she broke down crying saying how she couldn't handle it and didn't know how to fix it.
I calmly told her that I'll take over the budget. Just like that, she stopped crying said "Thank-you!" and went on eating her meal.
I found out we were 30K in debt. It took me a year, and lot of re-financing and budgeting to get it all paid off.
I was able to consolidate a lot of our debt and found that we were overpaying for a lot of services. In less than a day, I had made enough changes, that we were paying $300 less a month. 
The point to this last statement was, that I didn't have to do a lot to figure out a way to save money. My wife had literally done nothing for the past 7 years to get our budget in order. She didn't even try. She just watched the bills and debt pile up.
She did what she's always done her whole life - waited for Mommy or Daddy to bail her out. In this, case I was the Daddy.
I love my wife, but she grew up in an Ivory Tower. If she needed money, she ran to Daddy. If she needed clean clothes, clean house, or a good meal, she ran to Mommy.
She never had to have a real job or pay for anything out of her pocket.
One year, while on summer vacation from highschool, she said she couldn't find a job. So her parents paid her to clean the house and cook meals all Summer.
She still laughs about that, because she told me all she did was sunbathe all day, and 30 minutes before her parents got home from work, she'd throw on a pot of spaghetti and run the vacuum over a few spots on the carpet to make it look like she did some work.
Her mom still made most of the meals, and then would clean the house on the weekends and evenings.
Even in college, when her parents paid for her rent in advance, along with her tuition, books and groceries, she'd need to ask for more by years end.
Her last year in college, while working 2 jobs, I had to pay her last 2 months of rent - even though her parents gave her all the money up front in September.
My point to all of that is she's never had to be responsible for anything, and it's carried into her adult life.
She's always had someone wiping her nose. When she married me, she simply moved from one Ivory Tower to another where everything is, once again, taken care of for her.

Heck, for the past 8 years she didn't even have to fill the cars up with gas. I'd take them to work where the prices were cheaper.
I didn't mind doing that, but all I asked my wife to do was tell me when the Truck had 100KM left on the tank - which is displayed in the trucks LED. 
She didn't even do that.
She'd wait until the light came on, then tell me. That forced me to put $10 in the truck before getting to work. My 1-hour commute in the morning is already a hassle and now I get to take 10 minutes more out of my morning to fill up so I can make it to the office.
And you want to know why she waited till the light came on?
Because when you first turn the truck on, the LED on the dash doesn't automatically show you how many KM you have left. You have to hit 2 buttons in order to get that information. She couldn't be bothered. 

And I think that's what has me so frustrated and angry.
I have a wife who doesn't even care to press a measly button twice in order to make her husband's morning's a little easier. The same husband who's filling the cars up with gas so HER life is easier.
For all I do, that's the easiest task for her to help me out, and yet she won't even do that.
In my mind, I feel she views me as some dumb beast of burden who was born to handle all these responsibilities and tasks. 
I have no other purpose and I'm not worth anything.
In fact, there are many days lately where I don't even think she loves me. I think she _believes_ she loves me, but in reality it's the conveniences I offer her that she loves - not me.
If I were out of a job, or I suddenly stopped taking care of 99% of the responsibilities in this house, she'd probably leave me.

In the past, my wife has sort of complained or mentioned that I give the kids more time than her. She feels that I put them ahead of her.
I know that I do that. But it's hard not to. First, they're only young once and I want to enjoy them while they still want to hang out with me.
I also want to make sure they grow up with the best childhood possible.
But I also feel I invest more time and effort in them because I actually get something back in return.
They're always happy to see me and they're always willing to please.
With her she always seems to be in a bad mood and can be very distant. And that only makes me angrier. 
She doesn't have any stresses that come with keeping the house afloat, being the main breadwinner or even maintaining a home. What on earth could make her so stressed or bummed-out? It's because she's never had to deal with stress so if just a little lands on her lap, she can't deal with it and it affects the whole household.
I think how happy I'd be if I had a spouse who handled everything and allowed me to work 3 days a week and never have to do any housework. 
I can't imagine living a life without having all those burdens and stresses on my shoulders. Yet, she acts like she deserves this pampered treatment.

The worst part is, there are days I think she's fully aware of how much more I do compared to her.
But she simply doesn't care, because I'm just a stupid mule who SHOULD be doing this stuff. 

I've tried talking to her in the past but every-time she ends up crying and promising to contribute more. 
But then it only lasts a week. Two weeks if I'm lucky.
Then it goes back to the status quo, and the cycle continues.

I guess I was okay with handling everything before our youngest was born. 
I guess I had a limit and it hadn't been breached yet.
But since she's been born, and with how hands-on and demanding she can be, the scale has tipped over. 

Even as I'm typing this I'm looking at the kitchen counter where she's left out the lid to the pot of soup she cooked this morning.
The Kuerig cup she used is still sitting on the counter as is the empty soup can.
And downstairs in the laundry room, she's left the ironing board and iron out for the past 2 weeks. 
That's where I do laundry, manage the kids sports equipment and have my clothes (so she has more room in our bedroom closet for her stuff).

I'm not sure how to talk to her about this.
I know she'll get upset and I also know it probably won't do any good. I don't see her changing.
Probably the only thing she'll do is put-out more so I stop *****ing. She was always good at that in the past. As soon as I started showing signs of cracking she'd put-out and I'd reset. 
But she doesn't even do that anymore.
At least when I was getting some, it made all this worthwhile. But without intimacy, all of this crap isn't worth it.

BTW, I take care of myself physically and maintain a healthy physique so I can be more attractive to her. She's the one that's about 40lbs overweight.
Despite that, I'm still very much attracted to her and I'm always trying to initiate intimacy. 
The only time she returns the feelings is if she's drunk, has just watched a movie with Channing Tatum or feels like she has to so I don't flip out and make her get a full time job or start helping around the house.
Good times. Good times.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

no boundaries.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Wow she has everything imaginable wrong with her.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I read "Boundaries in Marriage" and it helped me. We have 8 kids and at the time they all lived home and I did all the housework and yardwork. ALL H did was come home from his job and put his feet up.

After reading the book, I let the weeds go in the summer and stopped snow removal in the winter. When he complained that his socks were not color coded in the drawer, I stopped putting his laundry away. When he complained that his laundry was not done in a timely manner, I stopped doing his laundry.

Your W might just not be good at finances and remembering the LED thingy on the truck. I think your expectations are somewhat unfair and based on your very long list of complaints, she probably feels nothing but disapproval from you which is super unmotivating and probably leaves her feeling depressed and unloved.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I've been there...I was married to a lazy woman. I tried everything, but she didn't care if I was overworked and upset, she just wanted to coast through life with me as the provider. I'm no longer married, and that was probably the biggest reason...I was tired of doing everything, and I was sick of asking for her to help me, her promising to try harder, but never actually doing anything.

Why do you complain here, but enable her at home?

If you keep being her servant, doing everything for her, don't expect anything to change.

Stop doing things that she could be doing. Tell her she needs to stop with excuses, help out, and do half of the work in the relationship. If she still won't help out, you'll have to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that.


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## WilliamMoney (Dec 16, 2014)

Blonde said:


> I read "Boundaries in Marriage" and it helped me. We have 8 kids and at the time they all lived home and I did all the housework and yardwork. ALL H did was come home from his job and put his feet up.
> 
> After reading the book, I let the weeds go in the summer and stopped snow removal in the winter. When he complained that his socks were not color coded in the drawer, I stopped putting his laundry away. When he complained that his laundry was not done in a timely manner, I stopped doing his laundry.
> 
> Your W might just not be good at finances and remembering the LED thingy on the truck. I think your expectations are somewhat unfair and based on your very long list of complaints, she probably feels nothing but disapproval from you which is super unmotivating and probably leaves her feeling depressed and unloved.


Blonde, did that help your H become more helpful around he house?

I've tried doing the same thing. I stopped picking up after her but all it did was make the house a mess.
In one instance, I left the coke can she left out on the counter for over 3 weeks. She didn't care and I tried not to either.
Eventually, after the 3 weeks, I just put it away.

And to be honest, I've very rarely complained to her about this.
I've tried to be nice about my requests by asking nicely if she wouldn't mind picking up around the house on her day off.
At the end of the day, she'll tell me "I'm sorry I didn't get to the house. I had a bad headache, or had to visit my mom, or..."

I know I sound like the jerk after posting that long list of complaints, but it's been 13 years of this and despite many different approaches to get her to chip-in, I'm at a loss.

I really dislike being angry at my wife all the time. 
And I'm sure my attitude is noticeable and isn't helping her mood.
But even during the first 10 years of our marriage, where I never said 'boo' about any of this, she lacked any motivation to help around the house or with the kids.


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## WilliamMoney (Dec 16, 2014)

tulsy said:


> I've been there...I was married to a lazy woman. I tried everything, but she didn't care if I was overworked and upset, she just wanted to coast through life with me as the provider. I'm no longer married, and that was probably the biggest reason...I was tired of doing everything, and I was sick of asking for her to help me, her promising to try harder, but never actually doing anything.
> 
> Why do you complain here, but enable her at home?
> 
> ...


Thanks Tulsy. You're right, I need to talk to her about this.
I've tried in small doses in the past, but she almost always turns on the water works, admits her mistakes, and then it goes back to how it was.
I guess I'm just feeling that going through all of that again, won't help much.
But I want to make our marriage work so I have to try something.

Thanks again for the advice.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you told her you don't think it is sustainable to continue the way you have been?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense dude... But the reason why she acts this way is because you've taken on the role of daddy, and you enable her to act this way. Now you've got a lifetime of inertia to overcome. So how far are you willing to push things with her to force a change in your dynamic?

And WTF were you thinking, having another child with her after you got two already in school full time? You just reset her "slack ass" clock all over again!

C


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your scenario sounds very much like my 20 year marriage. In the beginning I thought marriage was a partnership where you "did for each other", I was wrong. Then I thought talking about needs and wants and priorities would help, I was wrong again. Since talking never helped I just started keeping my mouth shut and doing everything myself, wrong again. All that did was make me pissed off and resentful.

Bottom line is you are two very different people, you can't force or expect her to do what you think is necessary or important, she is who she is. She doesn't care about the same things as you, she places no importance on your wants or needs or feelings. You need to decide if you want to suck it up and live your life like this or divorce and hope to find someone more in sync with your life philosophies. From my own experience I tried to suck it up and stick it out but good god I was miserable, that's no way to live, thankfully I'm now divorced.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First of all, I think you're taking this too personally. You think that if she loved you she do x, y, or z but really that has nothing to do with it. Thanks to her upbringing she's simply incapable of taking care of anything and knows only laziness. You have two basic choices: leave or stay. If you want to stay you have to realize that you control you and only you. Drop your expectations that she actually contribute because all it does is set you up to be disappointed and start detaching from her. Next time she makes excuses either don't respond or respond with "whatever", then do whatever you're comfortable with. 

Set up a separate account without her and keep bill money there, then put a small amout in an account for her. If she runs out then so be it, and stop filling up her car. You are enabling a 5 year old. .... and for the love of all things stop having kids with her. 

Think about whether you can live with this long term though, because the longer you stick around the more alimony you'll be on the hook for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WilliamMoney said:


> Thanks Tulsy. You're right, I need to talk to her about this.
> I've tried in small doses in the past, but she almost always turns on the water works, admits her mistakes, and then it goes back to how it was.
> I guess I'm just feeling that going through all of that again, won't help much.
> But I want to make our marriage work so I have to try something.
> ...


That's what manipulative spoiled brats do because they get away with stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

WilliamMoney said:


> Blonde, did that help your H become more helpful around he house?


Yes, but I had to really let go of it. No nagging, no reminding, no mentioning. 

Had to TUNE OUT 5 foot weeds making our house look like a dump. And in the winter I parked my car at the end of the driveway and gunned it full speed through the snow while his was trapped in the garage with tons of snow between him and the road 

There's also the option of hiring things out. Once I warmed up to that idea, I would give him a week or so to address a home maintenance issue OR I was going to hire someone. Usually he addressed it but he also warmed to the idea of hiring some things out (took some pressure off him).


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

WilliamMoney said:


> Her last year in college, while working 2 jobs, I had to pay her last 2 months of rent - even though her parents gave her all the money up front in September. My point to all of that is she's never had to be responsible for anything, and it's carried into her adult life. She's always had someone wiping her nose. When she married me, she simply moved from one Ivory Tower to another where everything is, once again, taken care of for her.
> 
> I don't see her changing. BTW, I take care of myself physically and maintain a healthy physique so I can be more attractive to her. She's the one that's about 40lbs overweight. Despite that, I'm still very much attracted to her and I'm always trying to initiate intimacy. The only time she returns the feelings is if she's drunk, has just watched a movie with Channing Tatum or feels like she has to so I don't flip out and make her get a full time job or start helping around the house.
> Good times. Good times.


You knew what she is like before you married her. People don't change unless something catastrophic happens. How old are the both of you? How long have you been married? How old are your children? These are questions that you need to answer, so that posters will have enough background to help you with.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Blonde said:


> ... I think your expectations are somewhat unfair and based on your very long list of complaints, she probably feels nothing but disapproval from you which is super unmotivating and probably leaves her feeling depressed and unloved.


I disagree. If she is only working part time, she has plenty of time to do the things he's doing like laundry and cleaning the house. 

The only thing that's unfair is how much MORE he is contributing to the relationship. You make is seem like the reason she does so little to help out is because he is so disapproving, and that's not fair. She's not a victim here.

Marriage is about teamwork, not one person doing the bulk of the work while the other takes it easy. When one spouse is very busy, the other is supposed to pick up the slake and help out, not sit back and relax. 

It's frustrating and hurtful that he should have to keep going through this with her. She is able to help, she just chooses not to, and she knows that he will eventually do it for her. She's taking advantage of him.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

People treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Up until now, it simply has been easier for you to shoulder all the burdens than to screw up the courage to call her out on her behavior - with meaningful consequences if she fails to make meaningful contributions to the family.

You have to sit her down and tell her - straightforward - that the current system of handling things is not sustainable, that you will no longer put up with it and that there are consequences for not contributing in a more equal manner.

The first step in this process is determining what consequences you can threaten. Are you willing to go to divorce? Kick her out of the marital bedroom? Cut up her credit cards? Just how important / meaningful is it to you. The heavier the consequences that you can realistically act upon, the more you display the importance of these issues to you. But only threaten consequences that you can enact. If you threaten and don't deliver, your words are meaningless from then on out.

In short, you can come here and complain about your wife all you want. At the end of the day, the problem is you. You're demonstrated that you're willing to accept this unacceptable treatment. Fix yourself. Develop a sense of strong self-esteem that you deserve to be treated better than your wife is treating you. You do deserve this. She'll never believe that she has to treat you better unless you first believe it first.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... Do NOT lay out any boundaries that you're not willing to enforce. That is part of what's gotten you into the situation you're in now.

C


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## WilliamMoney (Dec 16, 2014)

Thanks for all the advice people.

You're all very right that I'm the main problem because I'm enabling her. I'm allowing her to take advantage of me.


Not to get too much into it, but I was brought up in a pretty dysfunctional household.
There was lots of fighting and tension.

It's the reason why I'm willing to do more in order to make things work and it's also why I'm afraid of confrontation.
Confrontation almost always led to my mom taking off on us.

My parents worked things out and it's much better now, but I guess I'm still kind of messed up.
I know I need to work on that first before I can get my own household in order.

As far as having more kids, the 3rd was a bit of an oops.
Actually, we were pregnant with our 3rd child but lost her due to an infection and complications.
After that, it really did feel like our life was missing that 3rd child so we worked on getting pregnant again.

I love my kids and I love my wife. I know I painted a really poor picture of her and I'm sure a lot of my feelings spilled over into my description of her.
She's a good mom and a good person, she's just very lazy and has never been given the proper building blocks to being an independent, responsible adult.
Even now, her parents will send her text messages letting her know if she left the house lights on, or stuff like that. They're still babying her and so am i.

P.S. for references sake, I'm 40, she's 37, we have 3 kids aged 11, 8 and 18 months.
We've been married for 13 years and together for 17.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

People don't generally change much. She's shown you who she is, now you have to decide if you want to be with that person long term, as is. 

If not, talk to a lawyer. Ask about alimony milestones. In some states it becomes lifetime after a certain anniversary.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are there any important things she would tell us if she came here that you may have accidentally omitted? Just so we have a more complete picture?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

WilliamMoney said:


> Thanks for all the advice people.
> 
> You're all very right that I'm the main problem because I'm enabling her. I'm allowing her to take advantage of me.
> 
> ...


Look up the book "Codependent No More". And how far away from your inlaws do you live that they can text to let you know the lights are on?

Have you guys ever considered counseling? Both individual (for you) and marriage? And I only say individual for you because that's the only part you have control over, and you acknowledge you have things to work on.

What would happen if you started with a chore list for everyone in the house? And quite frankly, If I was you, I'd be picking her laundry out of the pile for her to do on her own... 

C


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

tulsy said:


> I disagree. If she is only working part time, she has plenty of time to do the things he's doing like laundry and cleaning the house.


She has a toddler who is by OP's admission:



WilliamMoney said:


> But since she's been born, and with how *hands-on and demanding *she can be, the scale has tipped over.


Does she work P/T too OP? Could you change roles and you be the SAHD who works p/t (and manage the bills since she isn't good at that)? 

You sound mismatched on standards. My mom and dad were extremely mismatched- dad is an obsessive compulsive neat freak and mom was a hoarder. If you want to stay with your W you might need to accept that her standards for neatness will never match up with yours.




WilliamMoney said:


> Even as I'm typing this I'm looking at the kitchen counter where she's left out the lid to the pot of soup she cooked this morning.
> The Kuerig cup she used is still sitting on the counter as is the empty soup can.
> And downstairs in the laundry room, she's left the ironing board and iron out for the past 2 weeks.


she irons? really? :scratchhead:


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

WilliamMoney said:


> P.S. for references sake, I'm 40, she's 37, we have 3 kids aged 11, 8 and 18 months.
> We've been married for 13 years and together for 17.


My children are doing their own laundry by age 11 and help with cooking by age 8. My 12yos, 14yos, and 17yod do all the dishes and pots and pans. Every weekend we have a "tidy" for an hour or so with picking up and vacuuming.

H was the one who got the boys doing the dishes when he was unemployed and I worked full time. God forbid he do the dishes when the kids could do it! :rofl: (Dishes is my most hated job so when I was the SAHP I always did them myself rather than inflict the children with the torture)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

See if you can get her to go to marriage counseling with you. Give yourself a time limit, say like 6 months for MC and for her to start making some improvements. If you dont see things starting to change, then my advice would be to start looking into ending things. Your current situation is not a partnership. I understand why you have continued to take care of everything, because the household would fall apart if you didnt. But try to start letting some things go that you do for her...maybe leave HER laundry out, and only do yours and the kids', for example. She will be forced to do it or have no clean clothes. I do wish you luck, you sound very unhappy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think leaving out her laundry would likely make her feel unloved and resentful. Better to have a heart-to-heart talk first. 

At least warn her if you're going to do the laundry thing.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

When a males first post on TAM contains the word: VENT

It means that he has become:
- conflict avoidant in his marriage
- a doormat for his wife

And it means - that he has embraced the victim chair and has no intention of rocking the boat at home to try and improve things. 

His children grow up thinking that fathers are invertebrates. Very sad. 





WilliamMoney said:


> Let me preface this post by saying I'm using it mostly to vent.
> I'll take advice but I'm not sure it'll do any good.
> 
> I'll try to make this as coherent as possible but I'll probably end rambling and it might not make as much sense as I hoped.
> ...


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Ok, I understand that she's had a pampered upbringing and seems like she doesn't have the skills to take care of things. I agree also with other posters that you two are probably mis-matched.

I'd like to offer a couple of thoughts: When you say to someone who doesn't have these life-skills "Can you take care of the house more?" or "pick up around here a little?", it may sound strange, but to someone who doesn't have those skills, it's a vague question that they can't act on. It's called Learned Helplessness. She doesn't actually _know_ how to in any consistent, real, manner. Sure, when she's frightened enough she might do a cleaning binge, but essentially doesn't have the inner skills to know how to make this routine. 
So in some ways, she's stuck in a child like state- but doesn't realise that she is, because she's never actually been taught anything different. She's never had parents to say and teach her, "You need to grow up and learn." So whilst people can judge her as being lazy, I would like to suggest perhaps also a more compassionate view that she grew up this way, and doesn't have the inner skills to know a different way. I don't think she can just shake herself out of it without guidance, direction and 're-parenting'.

So whilst we can say she is 'lazy', I am speculating that it is not intentional laziness; it's because she can't see or know the opposite. 

Perhaps have another talk, and include in it something specific, using an "I" statement. I think first acknowlege that you realise that taking responsibility for house-work etc may be tough for her, yet it's also important in order to make the relationship work. Then choose one thing, say, the vacuuming. "Honey, it is really important to me that the living room floors are cleaned. When the floors are clean I feel (insert positive feeling) are you willing to vacuum, say, once a week? Ok, so would you agree to vacuum the living room, on, let's choose a day and put it on the calendar". Start with one thing. See if you can get her to c commit to one task, and at a set time and day, so it has structure. There is the possibility that you may have to call / text her a 'reminder' like her parents do, but it's a start. At least you aren't doing it yourself. Once it's an ingrained routine thing, you may be able to stop the reminders. See if she can take ownership of one task - even let her choose what that might be - and set down exactly what it is, and a time/date for it. Set reminders if you have to.
Praise her. Give her praise when / if she does it. Let her know how great it makes you feel, how much love for her it instils. 


Now to thought #2: I grew up with an exacting mother who, no matter what you did, it was never good enough. If you vacuumed, she would get cross that you hadn't done it properly, and would re-do it herself. I began to resent this, and over the years, I would either deliberately not do a very good job, since it was only going to be 'wrong' anyway, to just not doing it. Saying I would, but wouldn't. I then had subsequent relationships with men who found fault in much of what I did; everything from how something was cooked to the way I had trouble reading maps. I found over time both fear and resentment and a sense of helplessness - nothing I did was going to be up to this man's standards - so I became apathetic. I didn't care about pleasing him anymore, because all I ever heard was critcism. So I stopped doing stuff as much. This way, at least I could limit what I got criticised for. To my way of thinking, it was far better to be criticised for being 'lazy' than being critcised for everything I did. I hated this feeling that he had exacting standards and I was simply not going to live up to them. So out of fear of the criticism I shut down - your "not pushing the buttons to check the fuel" reminds me of the sort of thing I would do if I at all suspected that by my doing so I was somehow going to get it 'wrong'. So I would just avoid the task altogether, even though I knew he would be mad and expected it of me. 

Oh, he became very exasperated and angry about my 'laziness' and 'incompetence'. There was an emotional and psychological immobilisation going on with me based on his harsh manner that expected certain standards but was never pleased with what I did. Needless to say we are divorced. So I'm just offering this up that if you are a driven, perfectionistic individual and your wife is at all feeling like she might incur your disapproval or conversely, receive no praise, she may be just shut down to you because of the wayou come across. Just some other thoughts to throw into the pot.

Miss Metta


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> When a males first post on TAM contains the word: VENT
> 
> It means that he has become:
> - conflict avoidant in his marriage
> ...


Conflict and communication can be useful. Not always. Assuming we have an accurate reflection, it could be that she sees herself as doing all the work and him as the one with the easy life. Then nothing will get through. In this case, he is right to look outside for advice. If his confidence is shot, that may not be a big surprise.

There are some bold statements on here. 

Clearly, he should communicate that it is important to him and listen to her. This is the point at which most women assume the problem would surely disappear.

If that is done, we are into boundry setting. This is the point at which many men assume the problem disappears. It is also the point where she will start feeling abused.

If that is done, we are into 180 territory and manning up. This is the point where many men assume the problem will disappear. 

Ultimately, it may end up with having to face divorce and leaving the kids with a feckless mother. The man is concerned and that is reasonable.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry if someone else said this already, but could she be in depression?

Sounds like someone who thinks very little of herself and is so depressed she can barely move herself to action of any kind.

What is she doing while you are sitting there folding laundry? Is she there next to you, watching TV or something?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

MarriedTex said:


> ....
> In short, you can come here and complain about your wife all you want. At the end of the day, the problem is you. You're demonstrated that you're willing to accept this unacceptable treatment. Fix yourself. Develop a sense of strong self-esteem that you deserve to be treated better than your wife is treating you. You do deserve this. She'll never believe that she has to treat you better unless you first believe it first.


This is key. 

This abuse destroys your sense of self worth. You have to regain that. Most couples have some measure of co-dependence and there may have been years when that was safe. It is tough to identify and sort out, but is esential to work on.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Blonde said:


> She has a toddler who is by OP's admission: hands-on and demanding


I have a toddler of the same age who is a lot of work(not a good sleeper and very needy). I'm sure there are many days where my husband may think I'm "lazy" for not getting x, y, or z done around the house, but he also doesn't know what exactly we do all day(I can give him a very long list). There are many days where my husband will come home and there might be crumbs on the floor, his toys all over the place, or certain dishes not washed. The house isn't perfect, but our son is well taken care of. I try to get my toddler involved in helping me clean, but it's tough. The temper tantrums can be trying! Honestly, even if you don't say anything about how you feel, I'm fairly certain she can tell something is off by your body language. The more my husband complained about this or that, the less I wanted to put in effort to do those things. 

I also wonder if she may have PPD? Postpartum depression can come on several months after baby is born and last for quite a while. I had PPD come on at around 5 months postpartum and it lasted for several months.


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## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Thanks, Gabriel, I thought of that too and forgot to put it in my post!
cheers
Metta



Gabriel said:


> Sorry if someone else said this already, but could she be in depression?
> 
> Sounds like someone who thinks very little of herself and is so depressed she can barely move herself to action of any kind.
> 
> What is she doing while you are sitting there folding laundry? Is she there next to you, watching TV or something?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Op, if she does something (clean, vacuum, etc...) do you complain that it's not good enough and do it over?

Personally I have a one strike rule on that. It's a good way to guarantee that I'll not ever do that thing again. In my mind, complaining = volunteering.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MTO,
Is bold a euphemism for aggressive? 

The OP shared a story his wife told him. In that story she abused her parents love and trust to completely exploit them by doing as little as possible. 

And she tells that story with a smile. 

Not sure what you would call that in Denmark, but here in the US we refer to it as predatory. 

Not just the doing of it, but the happy memory of exploiting folks whose main weakness is they love you. 

So ummm - yeah. The OP wants to vent because he's afraid to rock the sinking ship of his marriage. 




Mr The Other said:


> Conflict and communication can be useful. Not always. Assuming we have an accurate reflection, it could be that she sees herself as doing all the work and him as the one with the easy life. Then nothing will get through. In this case, he is right to look outside for advice. If his confidence is shot, that may not be a big surprise.
> 
> There are some bold statements on here.
> 
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*

Isn't this a strange statement for a child?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*
> 
> Isn't this a strange statement for a child?


I agree. My kids never noticed one way or the other, lol. However, I guess if the house is normally a complete pigsty they might notice; the comment does seem a bit odd for a child.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Reading this, the OP can see what he has done wrong. He has indulged her.

What he cannot see is what to do about it. I suspect the story will be shaky and alter as he is cracking up a bit. What is needed is advice on what to do now.

This is a rare case when recommending books might be helpful.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*
> 
> Isn't this a strange statement for a child?


Ya, I couldn't get passed that either. Strange. 

I suggest making a list of all the chores, there may be some that she is doing that you don't even realize. Then split the list in a way that will be fair depending on you work hours and time spent dealing with the kids. 

There are some cases where if 1 person has an expectation of how it should be done, above what the norm would be, that they should take over that chore themselves. 
A basically clean but toddler lived home is expected and you both should work to get it there. If you need it to be beyond that then you might need to pick up extra items on your side to get it there. KWIM?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*
> 
> Isn't this a strange statement for a child?


Its not something that would come out of my kids (17 & 13) mouths, but they will comment after I've cleaned that the house looks nice. So kids do appreciate the effort at times. (or maybe I'm a worse housekeeper than I think)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*
> 
> Isn't this a strange statement for a child?


I thought so too, it sounds very phony and scripted. If I went to town on the house my kids would comment, probably along the lines of "house looks clean" or "smells like cleaners". I guess it's possible but it sounds like something out of Mary Poppins.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*
> 
> 
> 
> Isn't this a strange statement for a child?



I thought so too hence my snarky post on page one. Very, very hard to believe a little kid saying that. Maybe he has a degree in psychology,lol.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Why would she change when you keep wiping her a$$ for her


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

This woman sounds a lot like me. I was raised with a silver spoon in my mouth. Sure, I had some chores, but if I whined enough I didn't have to do them. I had no concept of bills, mortgages, rent, none of it. I never cleaned my room, my dad did it for me. I moved out at 17 and received a HUGE slap in the face when I spent my first winter without heat because I didn't have the money to fill the fuel oil tanks. 

Good luck getting her to change, it took a very cold winter to get me to even acknowledge that I was spoiled, let alone lazy. I still have cleaning issues, but thankfully I'm with a man who really doesn't mind


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Even my son noticed. When he got home from school he said to her "Oh Mommy, the house looks so nice! *When you clean the house, it makes me think you love me and want to take care of me".*
> 
> Isn't this a strange statement for a child?


:iagree:

I don't know what is expected in regards to what "clean" means, but no matter what, with a toddler, your house is going to look lived in. It doesn't matter how much cleaning I do, there is a mess that happens less than a minute later. I just swept and mopped my floors this morning and guess what, there are some new crumbs on the floor just a half hour later.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I thought so too hence my snarky post on page one. Very, very hard to believe a little kid saying that. Maybe he has a degree in psychology,lol.


Good Catch! You got me thinking, with a screen name like "William Money" and that HUGE long list of wrongs (a lot of time for an ordinary tr***), maybe there was a bet involved?

Mr Money has left the house... I wonder who won the bet?


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