# Lost on what to do or think...



## JandAsmommy (Aug 18, 2011)

I am new to this forum and am at a total loss...Back story...My husband is in the military and has been for 9 years, he has been deployed 5 times and gearing up for his 6th. I am a stay at home mom to 2 wonderful boys (4 and 17 months) but started school again this past january to finish my nursing degree. I am taking this semester off to work on the marriage and see where is goes. 

My husband told me about 2 weeks ago that he loved me but is not in love with me and hadn't been for almost a year. It was a total slap in the face since this is the first I was hearing of it and felt like I had to fix it. I know now that its not my thing to fix but I still feel like I need to...Ok so here is my issue. My husband isn't talking to me about the way he feels and ways to work on this, granted we have talked about this for the first week after the bomb fell. I know that he doesn't like to share his feelings but come on!!!! I am his wife and need to know these things. He deployed last october and before the deployment I wasn't feeling good about myself (I am a bigger female and was 5-6 months post partum) and when he was trying to be more affecionate I told him not to touch me...I didn't tell him how I was feeling but he didn't either. He is at a loss of what we can do to try and fix this (fix really isn't the right word but cant think right right now...). He wants a separation (1 week) to get away and think things through and I TRULY don't want it but I can't deny him. I feel like if he does this it is almost set in stone that this marriage is over, although I know thats not ture...i just feel completely lost...We are in counceling but as individuals (which is better then nothing). He doesn't want marriage counseling so thats a no go. He won't say "I love you" because the words don't mean anything...they are hallow, he won't kiss me because its hallow and he feels nothing, and doesn't like to love on me because it hallow too. Tonight while we were sitting outside I could tell that something was on his mind but he wouldn't talk to me about it and I refuse to dig to get it out (I feel that if you want to talk I am here and if not then when you are ready come to me and we will talk then). I feel like he has made up his mind and just doesn't want to tell me becuase he doesn't want to hurt me...I don't want to lose him but feel like I am. We are having dates on the weekends and spending more time through the week and I know this is going to take time to heal if it ever will. I am starting to put up walls to protect myself and the boys which I don't want to do but feel like I have to.

So my question is there anything else that we can do and what should I do?

TIA


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## dontKnowMe (Jun 1, 2011)

Your story has many similarities to my own...except that I'm the one that's not in love. My wife reacted pretty much the same way you have described -- she feared a separation. I haven't left yet. I will tell you that a separation, at least for me, does NOT spell the end. 

He may be having trouble talking to you because of feelings of guilt. Few people enjoy hurting other people. Hell, he married you so he MUST care about you! He probably waited so long to tell you that he didn't love you because those are such strong words that can never be taken back. He needed time to be sure what he was feeling (or rather was NOT feeling) was real. 

A couple bits of advice. Do not try to force conversations about "the relationship." When you do talk about it try very hard not to make him feel guilty about what he's feeling. That's hard because you have a right to be upset (duh)! But if you make him feel guilty he's going to shut right back up and you won't solve anything. Keep talking as much as you can, it doesn't need to be about the relationship.

It's too bad that he won't do counseling together. I've found that the feelings of guilt are greatly lessened with a third party there.


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## JandAsmommy (Aug 18, 2011)

Dontknowme thanks for responding!! You are very right about how hes feeling/not feeling. It was a total slap in the face when he did say something considering he just got back from deployment 2 months ago. I had a feeling something was up but never thought it was this or this bad. 

I am getting better about not talking about the relationship as much (its all I talked about for the first week but its what I needed). I just hope and pray that everything works out!


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

My story is similiar. Military family for 12 years, two young kids. After his last trip he came home and announced a divorce. No counseling, no I love you's no talking about what the problem was.

The first night he returned, nothing was off, sex was good and he told me he loved me. Two days later, he dropped the bomb.

He had an affair. He has the OW waiting on the side until he can ship us back. I caution you to not get false hope. He called me by my pet names after announcing the divorce but it was just a ploy to get me in a better place so that I wouldnt think he was the bad guy in all of this.

He packed his clothes amd moved out and refuses to talk about anything and told our youngest he just cant like his mom anymore.

I filed for separation and I will ask for the max amount to get us setup in the states. His OW wont last young. I do have faith in that. But he is willing to throw away his family away for GIGS...

Sorry, my experience


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## JandAsmommy (Aug 18, 2011)

Thanks upset/confused...

I feel like the worst, b**chest wife ever right now....H moved out on monday and we had some contact monday morning but it was about out oldests soccer and thats it. Yesterday I wanted to buy an album from itunes and needed the password and didn't know it, so i changed it but it was under his email. While in the email I noticed that he had a gmail account that i didn't know about. So with the fact that he was sent pictures from a coworker (nude from the waist up) I went looking....bad idea because i found the pictures. I of course got pissed because he said that he deleted them but didn't tell me that he sent them to himself (his excuse they are nude pics, we dont have problems with porn). So that made me search more and since I am the primary on the cell phone I have full access to both accounts and what I found wasn't pretty! He started texting this OW on aug 4, all day the 5th and 6th and told me on the 6th that he loved me but wasn't in love with me. So of course I was pissed but didn't do anything at the time. He found out that I was in his email and facebook passwords. We skyped last night because he was to drunk to drive (has been the last 2 days) and he was unhappy/pissed at me for not trusting him. I said that I was sorry but when I found the email, then the pics, and the texts I was pissed too because it seemed like to me he was having an EA! I asked if he was going to Jays soccer game and he said that he would but wasn't sure if we were going on our date on sunday....great dont I just feel like the worst wife ever! Personally I think he should be mad at himself because I had nothing to do with him saving the pics and the texts and the fact that he got caught...but it feels so wrong of me....so what should I do from here?


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## JandAsmommy (Aug 18, 2011)

*Re: Lost on what to do or think...update and need advice!!!*

thanks!!


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

First, honey why do you feel like the bad wife? He was the one keeping secrets,texting OW, and keeping it completly secret. You are married and secrets are not part of the package. You need to read about the 180, and start implementing it. Only discuss the kids, finances and such. Cancel your date on Sunday. Don't let him control how you feel. You need to protect yourself and your kids. Focus on you, and let him see what he is missing. From your posts, you sound insecure and are trying to cling to him. Try to do the opposite, and show him that you are strong. Read and search about the 180 so you do it correctly. There are a lot of people here that can help you so don't give up but don't give in! Don't let him make you feel bad! Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JandAsmommy (Aug 18, 2011)

I guess I feel so bad because I didn't trust him after I found the gmail account and that caused me to dig further....he knows that I did it and changed his passwords "for privacy" but I wasn't the one to save the pics or have over 800 texts to this girl. He tells me they are just friends but I still find myself wondering if there is something more. He has been drunk for the last 2 nights....wonder how much figuring out he has truly gotten done....personally I don't think he has gotten much done. Where is this 180 thing that everyone is talking about, I would like to read it and start using it. Thanks for the replies!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Just friends right? I am ahead of you. 
Read this if you haven't but you will have to make the choice.

My choice was to let go. Let go all the way. I filed for legal separation and I am taking my kids back to the states.

It took me while to get to this place and everyday I struggle with some decisions, but down in my heart, the love and trust I had for him is gone. A man doesnt cheat because he loves his wife. He doesnt just have friends that you never meet. He doesnt glue his cell phone to his hip and change his passwords and then get defensive when you ask him about it.

I am living your life right now. I am moving on. He is not included.

It will be his relationship with his kids that suffer due to HIS selfish acts. You cannot take blame for his actions. There are always things we do in relationships that dont help things, but when one chooses to go outside to fullfil their need they are detaching. Mine did just that twice...I wish I would have left the first time and I would have saved myself alot of guilt and heartache.

_The Just-A-Friend: This line is classic. Just a friend is NEVER just a friend. The "just a friend" (JAF) is always minimized. #1, #2 and #3 all merge together when speaking about JAF. They lie to you about what their relationship with JAF really is. They make excuses when speaking to JAF and they blame shift on you in an attempt to get you to back off. They don't like the pressure. They often speak very ill of JAF to you. This is to throw you off of what is really going on. If you ever ask to be introduced to JAF, there is always an excuse as to why that's not possible. If you ask to read the text between your spouse and JAF, there is an excuse as to why you can't. Think about it, a person who has nothing to hide, will not only be happy to introduce you but they will hand over their phone for inspection without even blinking._

I am here if you want to send me a PM and I will help you the best I can. I dont have all the answers but I have to focus on my plan to let go, completely. I have to save my own life now.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sounds just like my situation with my wife she told me the same thing. I was thinking ah he)) as soon as I heard the words I knew what they meant I was just waiting for it and then came the separation and then came that she wanted a divorce. I rolled with the punches and did not really fight to much I did show some emotions and that is where I messed up trying to get her to stay. I just let go after our last conversation and said oh well. Just start trying to detatch yourself and I wish you luck.


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