# Hurtful Words Contributing to Separation / Divorce?



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I find that one area that is rarely discussed is the power of words. Words can cut really deep and hold a person in a resentful position for a very long long time.

This is an open forum on this subject. Have words been used on you that knowingly or unknowingly contributed to your decision to leave the marriage (either separation ,divorce, straying/cheating)? No judgement here, I know a few people whose perfect girlfriends/fiancee's became the terrible wife and vice versa. The verbal abuse and words used cut so deep that they lost all attraction to the verbally abusive spouse.

In my case I was called everything but the "N" word. Considering the had the "Italian temper".....everything from invalid, disposable, useless. Those words cut really deep and contributed to the demise of the relationship. Anyone experience this?


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Been there, done that. That's one reason my husband and I are separated at this time. I cant seem to get past it. If i go back I think he will do it again and we will be in the same spot we are in now.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I'm with you on that 100%, actions can happen but words cut so deep the effects are eternal. Whenever I'm with our kids I miss the family life and then I think of the words my ex used (among other things) and I'm just SOOO thankful it ended. Been a couple of years now and to just think of what one endured verbally I almost can't believe it took that long...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Years before my divorce, in an attempt to really communicate and work out issues I saw in the marriage, that prevented some of the very best parts of a relationship, and later, became the very complaints she had towards me... I tried sitting down and talking to my wife. In ten seconds flat she was defensive. 
Was it my approach? Did I not pretense the conversation with enough fluff to land issues softly? No, her life had been sculpted to react to communication with stonewalling, self-centeredness, and if none of that worked, plain-old visciousness.
Her spending habits had us barely able to afford the minimum monthly payments on credit cards. Car repair hits, more credit card debts.... We neither had the money to address issues that arose (emergencies) nor did we have anything left to go out and have a romantic evening on, or plan for a romantic cruise..
We had to stay in, unless "she" had a little cash leftover from her check, then,, she would have another girls night out....
Guess who ended up being called "unromantic" and did not pursue her enough???

At the end of the discussion, which went quickly for some reason, the depth of her personal willingness to accept any responsibility and to work on the marriage was summed up in one statement...
"If you dont like the way things are,, why dont you just leave??"

that was the predicate to the attitude I assumed she would have upon every discussion I thought about having after that...
When I needed to tell her that we didnt have the money for her to do whatever she wanted (boy that was risky), I already knew what her attitude would be..

Every conversation after that was stopped before it started.


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## jillsafool (Jan 4, 2012)

My husband told me once that I didn't have what it takes to make him happy. Talk about hurtful. He says I took it the wrong way and he loves me more than anything. He also said that he only expects one thing from me as a wife and we all know what that is right? We've been married for 27 years (I'm 46 and he is 50). Who says that? Obviously he was right, caught him posting ads in the personal section on Craigslist trying to hook up with 21 year olds even though we have sex regularly and don't fight and had what I thought was a good marriage. I must be totally out of touch with reality to not have accepted that my husband doesn't love me at all. Even after he has posted these ads and exchanged e-mails with one of the girls who responded to his ad trying to hook up with her in person, I'm still in shock and willing to go to counseling to try to salvage our marriage. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Human Development and feel like a really stupid person right now.:scratchhead:


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

oh yea. A lot of why we are seperated right now. Anything from stupid, worthless, lazy, unfit mother, you name it. Just about anything and everything. I'm never good enough nor is anything I ever do good enough. Worthless is one of the worst. He said just because I work a full time job, take care of the house, cook, clean, and take care of our son, (while he goes to work and comes home and sleeps on the couch) that that doesn't make me special, anyone can do that,...i am just worthless. Words can sometimes hurt worse than physical violence. I don't know if I would ever be able to forget or forgive him for the things he has said and done


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## Yummy2011 (Jun 1, 2011)

I've been called everything and I've said everything and it made everything worse!! These things were said in the heat of the moment and out of anger and frustration on both parts. What can I say? I'm guilty but I can't change it. Ehh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyewonder (Jan 5, 2012)

Sticks and stones can't hurt me, but words can. There is truth to this saying. This results to an end in relationships. Now, if you plan in getting back together with an ex, then you have to weigh the consequences. You have to put your conditions if you want that to happen.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

jillsafool said:


> My husband told me once that I didn't have what it takes to make him happy. Talk about hurtful. He says I took it the wrong way and he loves me more than anything. He also said that he only expects one thing from me as a wife and we all know what that is right? We've been married for 27 years (I'm 46 and he is 50). Who says that? Obviously he was right, caught him posting ads in the personal section on Craigslist trying to hook up with 21 year olds even though we have sex regularly and don't fight and had what I thought was a good marriage. I must be totally out of touch with reality to not have accepted that my husband doesn't love me at all. Even after he has posted these ads and exchanged e-mails with one of the girls who responded to his ad trying to hook up with her in person, I'm still in shock and willing to go to counseling to try to salvage our marriage. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Human Development and feel like a really stupid person right now.:scratchhead:


Jill, anyone can be fooled. 2 Masters and a PhD program that I've nearly completed and I'm in a similar boat. My WH also did the Craigslist thing. Also called me worthless and a whole pile of other stuff whenever he was annoyed or upset with me. I supported us while he stayed home to watch porn, cheat on me, and tear me down whenever he was in a bad mood or annoyed that I wasn't inspiring enough to keep him from straying; this apparently makes me lazy and weak. Oh, and I'm a bottom feeder who has drained his life of all joy (this after the separation). Problem is, I still love the jerk and would definitely want to work things out through counseling if he would at least admit to what he did (cheating, lots of verbal abuse, controlling, violated my family's trust) and stop sending me waves of abuse everytime I replied to anything he said. Having your weaknesses and insecurities attacked by the person you love and trust is a traumatic thing. Love will fool us when we are least looking and it isn't logical.

Shooboomafoo, My WH said the same thing to me recently "If you think I'm so bad, why don't you just leave?" And a whole pile of other insults. The combo was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I decided that I will not communicate with him until he recognizes that I deserve a little more respect than to be so dismissed -- especially since he was the one who was cheating.  When the viciousness is what has helped them survive, it comes out when the stakes are high, doesn't it?

OP, In my situation, the words were part of what caused the separation and are currently what is in the way of reconciling. I was hurt by the verbal abuse, but endured it out of love and because I hoped it would change and because it was offset by the good things in our life together and the many years we had together. Unfortunately, I found out about his cheating and CL hook-ups and the bad behavior with my family, and that blew the lid right off of things. I would have forgiven him and moved forward in a heartbeat, but there was an intervention and his verbal abuse worsened exponentially after that...threats, insults, and all kinds of other things. I can hardly believe this is happening. Being told you are worthless and hated and good for nothing by the person you consider dearest to your heart, being told these things by the person who knows you better than anyone else and so knows your weaknesses and insecurities, being hurt over and over through them because that person wants you to feel bad for whatever reason (he's mad that his affairs have been exposed and that his family and my family know about them) really hurts. My family was also controlling and manipulative and verbally abusive at my weakest moments and I feel like I've been caught between the two sides like a tug of war. Difference is that when I disappeared on my family, they stopped being as overtly hurtful, but he continued because he wanted to provoke me. 4 months since separating. During this separation, I had a mental breakdown, just retreated from life completely and gave in to full blown depression. Recovering from it a little at a time. Still love him. Still want him to change. But....I've realized that I can't reason him into being who he used to be before the cheating got out of hand and if he loves me, he'll stop treating me this way and come back to me himself instead of using words as weapons.

The emotional and verbal punches....those are the ones that make you question your sanity when you're at you're most vulnerable.


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## chicka (Jun 27, 2012)

Wow I can't believe how many people are going through the same exact thing I am. I am right now in the midst of a heated fight with my husband of 3 years. He left the house who knows after how many days he'll be back, he said he wants the relationship over. He threatened divorce. This, after I went into a rage on him over ignoring me and my feelings. I was hurt about a little scuffle we had a few days ago where I said something hurtful to him and regretted it after but his reaction was the silent treatment and I just snapped and cried in public and he just ignored me. I was hoping to get an arm around me for being so hurt to the point of crying. But no. So he decided to ignore me which he does for a few days at a time after he feels insulted. But me I would like to talk things over and get things resolved. So I ignored him back, crying not around him and falling into a depression all alone. And thinking geez I married this person he has a responsibilty to communicate with me rather than ignore me like a little boy. Well apparently he doesnt like the taste of his own medicine because he responded by not talking to me but writing me an email that he wants out of the marriage that I make him feel like a loser. I saw the email today and just snapped and started crying adn the whole shebang and he gets up and leaves me alone again. He just left. I am just in bed with a crying headache and just depressed. It did not have to get to this, but he just won't communicate. He won't admit that he's hurt me and made me feel like a failure. He has a hard time thinking he's bad to me. I don't want to leave this relationship over a communication problem which is what it is. I love him dearly but feel very hurt by him. 
Everyone hang in there I hope things get better, thatyou feel better. I don't want to sit and reply to everyone but let me to desert-rose since her post was the longest. I was touched by your story especially the part where you say you fell into a deep depression during your separation. I feel like your husband has a bad way of communicating and does not appreciate your feelings. Much the same as mine. I don't know how I'd survive having to deal with cheating on top of all this. I really admire you for trying to make it work. And then the leaving threats you got from him I feel your pain. Its like everytime there's a cycle of fighting those words get thrown around. i hate myself for also throwing the divorce word around to my husband but I feel like he started with that, and the first time in the first fight it hapepned I remember how terrible it felt. Now we just throw it around every time we fight and I can't take it anymore to hear that. All I want is to communicate better.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

aston said:


> I find that one area that is rarely discussed is the power of words. Words can cut really deep and hold a person in a resentful position for a very long long time.
> 
> This is an open forum on this subject. Have words been used on you that knowingly or unknowingly contributed to your decision to leave the marriage (either separation ,divorce, straying/cheating)?


Oh, yes. Absolutely, positively yes. There are some things that were said that I will never forget. I think you make a good point -- we frequently forget the power of words.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

My H's words definitely contributed to our separation. If only he'd have learned to say one word to cancel out all the vitriol ("sorry"),things might be different now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Some of the things my ex said were very hurtful. I think the worst part was that I do not think she realized just how hurtful they were, even when I told her.

One of the worst was when she would say that she may as well be a single mom, and would say it to other people with me standing right there. 

When I told her it hurt, rather than apologize and stop, she would justify her statement by saying that I am at work all day, and she, as a SAHM had to be the one to get the kids to school, pick them up, help in their classrooms, take them to their activities. All the kinds of thing I would loved to have been doing rather than working, but that made her a single mom. 

Well, now she is going to get to be one for real.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> One of the worst was when she would say that she may as well be a single mom, and would say it to other people with me standing right there.
> 
> When I told her it hurt, rather than apologize and stop, she would justify her statement


That's terrible. To belittle and minimize the family contribution of someone who is doing his/her best, to try and shame that person into doing more just because one finds his/her own responsibilities to be too much is really manipulative. I know someone who does this same thing a lot. She is a stay at home mom with lots of help for household responsibilities, but feels rather neglected that her husband is away a lot for work; instead of recognizing that while he is a great provider, she wishes she had more of his company, she says often that she is a single mom. I think it's really sad; I feel bad for the man who is being so disrespected and sad for the woman who seems to have no capacity for gratitude and compassion for her husband because she only seems to see her own pain and struggle. It's unfortunate that people don't realize how nasty this kind of manipulation can be.  Sorry to hear that you, too, are on the receiving end of that kind of negativity.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Hurtful words are a kind of emotional abuse. Over time, they erode a person's emotional resilience, confidence, self-esteem, and even love. Some people give as good as they get and arguments become heated and unfair and nasty and, of course, people have different levels of tolerance for this kind of thing. Unfortunately, if it happens a lot, or if one person is fighting fair and the other person is always fighting unfairly, hurling insults and below the belt comments, then it becomes like bullying or abusive manipulation. Plenty of people are hot-headed, but, eventually they will learn that there are consequences for being cruel, even if it comes just from the heat of the moment and bears no premeditated malice. Being nasty to someone in this way kills a little of that person's love every time; eventually, there won't be any live stuff left.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Some things that have cut deep....

"I talk to people all day long at work. I don't have the energy or patience to listen to you talk once I get home" (said several occasions)

"Its your fault I cheated" (said 5 years after DDay)

"I did it on purpose to hurt you" (about why he cheated 5yrs ago and why he crossed marital boundaries recently)

"I don't have the energy to work on the marriage. I am tired and sick of drama"

"I think we should seperate and divorce, but I am not going to file"

"I don't respect you or your opinions"

"You will regret divorcing me. I am the best you will ever get"

"I'm not attracted you to anymore"

"I was raised to lie"

"I can't open up to you and be honest b/c you overreact and are crazy"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Thanks moxy. You are right, it really was very hard to hear. It made me feel very trapped. Those were not the only things she said like that. I never responded in kind, but I did begin to shut her out emotionally, and that dynamic between the two of us is part of what led me here. Rather than deal with it as it happened, rather than defend my boundaries, I retreated into myself to avoid the inevitable conflict.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Vi. You break my heart.

I had a few of those...

"you make me treat you like this (re abuse)"

and

"I have a career. You have a job."


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, Vi. You break my heart.
> 
> I had a few of those...
> 
> ...


I just can not imagine having anything like that ever passing my lips. So hurtful. How can people even say those kinds of thing, even when they are really angry or hurt?


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

"You are not a priority."

"Our marriage is not a priority."

"I think you need to learn to live without me...without the idea that we are going to make things work."

"I don't want a relationship right now."

These were said to me months ago, but I remember them all. And every time I look at her I will never forget them. 

It's funny though...after a period of an effective 180 I began to feel the same way about her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NEM (Jul 13, 2012)

I think I had it worst. As I man I tried to provide the best for my wife and son. We loved each other very much but things just don't work out the way we planned and wanted to. My father in-law is a successful businessmen, I had never asked or needed his assistance in anyway (financial or advice) in our marriage. My wife is the only child so I understand they loved her very much, but being spoiled is totally different from loving. 

Hurtful things was said to me

In-Laws:

1. "You have no talent, useless, selfish"

2. "You are garbage in this world"

3. "My daughter is better than you, you don't deserve her"

Wife:

1. Wrote her a love letter right after we decide to get back together and asked her to please don't take us for granted one more time and this is our last chance of being together.

"You selfish, you love yourself more" is all I heard from her. Out of 23 lines of love poem, she picked the last sentence to bicker at me. I was so hurt and I promise to myself never will I write a love poem to her again.

2. Took her to Seattle/Portland for shopping 4 days, 3 nights. First 2 days she gave hell, constant fighting, she ran off and rent another room. I went looking around the city for her, worried sick! Eventually I had to beg her, literally to have a peaceful trip.

Even thou, I am still hurt I forgive her because I think in life you need to forgive. I think there is a lot of hurtful things being said out of anger so I think we all should not take it too hard.

Let it be beautiful!


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

"I would have left you a long time ago if it wasn't for the kids"......and at the same time asking me not to divorce him and just let him live in the basement while he sees if it will work out with the OW (so as not to disrupt everything financially and with the 4 kids)...............in case it doesn't work out with her and he come back to me.

Oh yeah...BTW ...I filed Friday and he will be served this week.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Moxy,
This is where teaching a partner how to treat us is so critical.
My W and I had one exchange on this topic in our first 6 months.
She became hostile when I chose to work really late one night.
I told her that as long as I wasn't breaking a commitment and let her know, she had two choices:
1. Thank you for working so hard for us or
2. Silence
She apologized, and the next day thanked me

TE=moxy;860967]That's terrible. To belittle and minimize the family contribution of someone who is doing his/her best, to try and shame that person into doing more just because one finds his/her own responsibilities to be too much is really manipulative. I know someone who does this same thing a lot. She is a stay at home mom with lots of help for household responsibilities, but feels rather neglected that her husband is away a lot for work; instead of recognizing that while he is a great provider, she wishes she had more of his company, she says often that she is a single mom. I think it's really sad; I feel bad for the man who is being so disrespected and sad for the woman who seems to have no capacity for gratitude and compassion for her husband because she only seems to see her own pain and struggle. It's unfortunate that people don't realize how nasty this kind of manipulation can be.  Sorry to hear that you, too, are on the receiving end of that kind of negativity.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Rather than deal with it as it happened, rather than defend my boundaries, I retreated into myself to avoid the inevitable conflict.


That's how many people deal with similar situations, by internalizing them. We want to believe that those who have committed to us will not choose to hurt us. We forgive them, over and over sometimes, even in the face of lots of hurt. After a while, though, it becomes harder and harder to straighten up one's spine after all that bending backwards. How we deal with conflict, whether or not we take for granted those who are in our lives, and the ways in which we make or don't make amends do matter. The old saying "love means never having to say you're sorry" just doesn't apply when one person is always exploiting it and the other isn't.

However, you seem to recognize that you began to have trouble with boundaries. The good thing is that you can learn to work on boundaries -- either for this relationship or for others. Some people never recognize what the problems are and mistakes get repeated over and over. I suspect that hurtful words cut especially deep for those whose love language involves words of affirmation or things like that.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i hate you over & over again, in the beginning of my separation my wife accused me of being emotionally cold, i think after dealing with some of her mental illnesses & endless visits to the dr's that could never find anything wrong with her, she might have been right,i built up walls to deflect all that b.s., she said i wasn't there for her through the most important time of her life but i was next to her side the whole time, so much i walked away from a 3 mos old business to be by her side after the injury & brain surgery, i took her to vegas for our 7th anniversary, got a beautiful suite at new york new york,hot tub in the room,the whole 9 yards. she screamed at me the whole time,threw ice tea in my face, punched me in my chest,arms & face repeatedly etc. you know what i never thought about leaving her or ever wanting a divorce, i took my vows seriously & always hoped it would eventually get better someday. she has been a emotionally destroyed persson from the day i met her, but she always told me my patience & mellowness always healed her, she is just now getting ic. sorry for the long post but if any of you has followed my thread you know how hard this has been for me, today i kinda had a revelation that i'm going to be much happier without her, i meet with my lawyer this week & i'm filing for divorce this week. she moved a man into my house 4 weeks after separating, i have paid every bill imaginable inc trips to sac for more medical stuff, not no more though, aug is the last month i'll be doing that, oh yeah when i went to the court house to get my divorce packet, 2 women standing next to me & overheard her name, spun & looked at me & said my stbxw screwed her husband several times when they worked together, she caught them & i have comfirmed truth, my stbxw adamantly denies this of course & has the audacity to keep lying to me & tell me he doesn't live there & there not having sex, makes me wanna puke


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Hurtful words? Oh yeah I've heard enough to last me this lifetime.

I've been called: lazy, crazy, a bi#$h, a c*&t, useless, stupid... and the list goes on.

Just tonight on the phone he told me he left because he can't stand being around me. It hurts....

He says the door is still open to R, but I would have a very hard time getting past the things he has said to me. When I think of these horrible words, I start to cry. Am I really that bad?

It sure does a number on your self-esteem after a while. The IC says these words are about him, not me, but I remind her it still hurts to have it hurled your way as an attack on you. It starts to attack your soul.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

All these posts are so very sad to me. Sad because I was the abuser. I treated my husband so badly for so long that he finally threw his hands up and said "I'm done" and left. 

After reading through all of your posts, my heart just aches and I feel like I need to apologize to all of you for the bad behavior that we abusers inflicted upon you.

For the whole 28 years that my husband and I were together I've always had a short fuse. It's always been blown off as "hereditary" or "you're just like your father and brothers". I've only recently (in the past year) come to learn that my bad behavior and verbally abusive ways are the result of the depression and ADHD that I've dealt with my whole life. For years and years there was anger within myself that I never knew where it came from. I had a guy that loved me unconditionally, put up with my cra*, my moodswings, my bad mouth and verbal abuse, I had a job, a home, great kids, a family that loved me, but for some reason I was so unhappy ALL THE TIME and I took it out on him. When I think about the things I said to him over the years, I cringe. That he was a loser, an idiot, never will get to where he wants to be in his career, horrible name calling during very heated fights. I'd tell him that I'd be better off alone, that I didnt' need him, that he didn't make me happy. Oh, my heart breaks for him right now from all the things I've said. No wonder the man is no longer in my life. What in the world did I expect? One can only take so much abuse before they say they've had enough.

My heart hurts so badly for all of you and for the man that I truly love with all my heart, but that I've lost. I just wish that he could have hung on a little longer to see what a difference I've made, but sadly, for me, it's too late.


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## aandksdad (Jul 8, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Some things that have cut deep....
> 
> "I don't respect you or your opinions"
> 
> ...


This is what I got from my wife followed by "I dont want to have sex with you anymore because you are too fat."
We both said things that hurt and I accept my part in the break up of this marriage, just wish she would talk to me about it without all the accusations.


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