# Lessons learned



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What I personally have learned from my EA, and the subsequent demise of my marriage:

1. Pay regular attention to your marriage. Ask yourself is it's time to review how things are going, and what needs to be improved. 

2. If you did not do the above, and you find yourself making friends with the opposite sex, you might be headed for an affair.

3. If you did not do step #1, and ended up having an affair, you might end up confused and wondering how you got where you are. You might start searching every corner of your mind for answers. Save yourself some time and months of mental anguish, it started by not doing step #1 above.

4. Decided if you still love your spouse during and after the affair. If not, the answer is clear. If you are unsure, prepare yourself for a journey into a mental hell.

5. Forgive yourself, have short-term regret by putting positive changes in place to prevent it from happening again. Be remorseful, loving, and caring towards the ones you have hurt, including yourself. 

6. You have, and always have had, the power to change you for the better. Learn how, and do it. Transform into something very positive that everyone can respect. Don't live in the past, live in the now as a new and improved you.

7. Continue to seek your calling in a peaceful and loving way. Think of the needs of others, and not your own needs. Your needs will be met by your actions. You'll get what you give.

As you may be able to tell, I have been seeking a spiritual understanding of all things. Not religious, spiritual. I've learned so much about me these past months. It helps me cope, while still caring for others. Many of the problems I've had in my life have been self imposed by my thoughts alone. A simple change in thinking has removed them all.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Are you staying with your wife?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

"and the subsequent demise of my marriage"


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

HerToo said:


> "and the subsequent demise of my marriage"


How's things HerToo? How's your wife coping?
As the BS I am also finding comfort in rediscovering my spirituality. It also helps me to treat my H with respect and kindness despite his EA. holding on to resentment and bitterness only makes it harder. The road is a long one. Little steps everyday!
Unfortunately my husbands guilt and lack of Forgivness towards himself is a real stumbling block for him. He still finds it hard to come to terms with what he has done. I hope he finds peace one day.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm moving on with my life. I don't know if I will be alone or not for the rest of my life, and it really doesn't matter. I will let things happen as I start living my new way. 

My wife is doing okay, most of the time. 

As you stated indirectly, anyone holding on to negative thoughts only damages themselves. Embrace the past, and then discard it if it's negative. It's as if one decides to carry a bag of their personal manure around and they wonder what stinks.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

I wish I found this place years ago. I needed to hear the honest truth. Living with lies makes lying the normal thing to do. Nothing justifies being a cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Can you describe any specific things that you did to come to this understanding? It would help a lot of people here who are struggling with emotional decisions.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Just search for HerToo's threads. There are dozens of them, describing him laboring over his situation. It was a heart-wrenching self-analysis that seemed to have an inevitable conclusion from the very beginning.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes, I remember the agony of coming to a decision. But I was wondering what process he used to end the agony.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I listened to many of Dr. Wayne Dyer's audiobooks / CD's, and watched many of his videos for free on Youtube.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Good to know. I have seen him on PBS and he seemed so phony. I will take another look at his videos. I agree that a change of attitude is required, and I am always interested in how people effect change in their lives.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I thought the same thing, until I was standing neck deep and couldn't find a way out.


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