# what is happening ?



## justtrying10 (Jul 30, 2016)

I´m considering divorce after a serie of events that don´t seem to end. I feel so confused, I can´t seem to understand what is going on and why did everything in my marriage turned this way. the last straw was this las couple of weeks. My mother in law came to visit us and I don´t like a lot of the things she does and how she very passivelly pushes on and on and my husband doesn´t put any boundaries. My husband works 24 hours shifts and I go to school and take care of the house and our son, even though I have been looking for jobs as well. I recently started going to college and it is very important to me, I like studying, but my husband and I have had marital problems for a long time, we have tried a few counseling sessions but they didn´t work well, first, my husband wasn´t being honest about his alcohol addiction, he made it all seem like he´s giving a 100 percent and i am not, when it has been the other way around for more than a year. I feel though, like if all these details are beside the point. when he talks to me or when he is mad it really seems like he hates me. He has an alcohol addiction and I recently realized that that is the reason why anytime that we get to spend together it seems like he is absent, he pushes me away emotionally and disconnects. 
I always try to make plans as a family , also around things that are interesting to him but that doesn´ t stop him from making the worst of the trip with bad attitudes, getting frustrated for the minimum issue, is exhausting.
This last two weeks when his mom was here have been extremely difficult. first she came and immidiately try to get us to say yes to go on a 5 hour trip, obviously because of my husband´s job I am the one that has to go, even though i have school, he begged me to go with her, because it is so important to him that his parents have a good opinion of him. I tried explaining it to me and he blew up on me and I kept begging him to be rational, to see that it wasn´t a good time and that the trip would be exhausting for me and my baby and that his mother isn´t helpful but he didn´t understand. I told him that he was hurting me very deeply and that sort of made him change his attitude for a while. but that only lasted as long as I went on with his decisions. Later on i booked a tour for my mil so she could explore and not be bored and I was going with he , but casually the night before my son started acting weird, once again my husband freaks out because he thinks our son is sick and i say that i should skip going on the trip and that his mom could go alone , there is no danger. he blew up again, acting all dissapointed. 
Now he has just pushed me away and wont talk to me. 
in other occassions when we have considered divorce he has become very verbally abusive and I can´t understand what is going on and why he acts like that, but I have decided to get a divorce. but all of this and the way he reacts to anything, he manipulates words, i don´t get it. I keep asking myself if it is me, if I am doing something wrong.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's him. There is something wrong with him. These manipulating people have a way of making you feel like the crazy one, even though it's them. And they will never think it's them, it's frustrating. From what I read it seems he loves To make you the enemy. Are you 100% done with the marriage? My advice is to separate, be firm with him and create boundaries. Do you have parents or somewhere you can live and continue to go to school? You have some tough decisions to make.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

justtrying10 said:


> I´m considering divorce after a serie of events that don´t seem to end. I feel so confused, I can´t seem to understand what is going on and why did everything in my marriage turned this way. the last straw was this las couple of weeks. My mother in law came to visit us and I don´t like a lot of the things she does and how she very passivelly pushes on and on and my husband doesn´t put any boundaries. My husband works 24 hours shifts and I go to school and take care of the house and our son, even though I have been looking for jobs as well. I recently started going to college and it is very important to me, I like studying, but my husband and I have had marital problems for a long time, we have tried a few counseling sessions but they didn´t work well, first, my husband wasn´t being honest about his alcohol addiction, he made it all seem like he´s giving a 100 percent and i am not, when it has been the other way around for more than a year. I feel though, like if all these details are beside the point. when he talks to me or when he is mad it really seems like he hates me. He has an alcohol addiction and I recently realized that that is the reason why anytime that we get to spend together it seems like he is absent, he pushes me away emotionally and disconnects.
> I always try to make plans as a family , also around things that are interesting to him but that doesn´ t stop him from making the worst of the trip with bad attitudes, getting frustrated for the minimum issue, is exhausting.
> This last two weeks when his mom was here have been extremely difficult. first she came and immidiately try to get us to say yes to go on a 5 hour trip, obviously because of my husband´s job I am the one that has to go, even though i have school, he begged me to go with her, because it is so important to him that his parents have a good opinion of him. I tried explaining it to me and he blew up on me and I kept begging him to be rational, to see that it wasn´t a good time and that the trip would be exhausting for me and my baby and that his mother isn´t helpful but he didn´t understand. I told him that he was hurting me very deeply and that sort of made him change his attitude for a while. but that only lasted as long as I went on with his decisions. Later on i booked a tour for my mil so she could explore and not be bored and I was going with he , but casually the night before my son started acting weird, once again my husband freaks out because he thinks our son is sick and i say that i should skip going on the trip and that his mom could go alone , there is no danger. he blew up again, acting all dissapointed.
> Now he has just pushed me away and wont talk to me.
> in other occassions when we have considered divorce he has become very verbally abusive and I can´t understand what is going on and why he acts like that, but I have decided to get a divorce. but all of this and the way he reacts to anything, he manipulates words, i don´t get it. I keep asking myself if it is me, if I am doing something wrong.



Detach emotionally and physically. You need a clear head and some help dealing with your marriage which is a source of your issues. If he can manipulate your emotions and have you question logical decisions like staying with an abusive alcoholic, you need help undoing the damage it has caused on you mentally and emotionally. Him verbally beating you down is control tactics for you to be subserviant. The goal is to keep you off -balance, lose your own self-identity and worth so he can use you as an extention of himself.

By detaching and gaining some distance, you have a chance of gaining equilibrium and the capacity to make better sound decisions. When your emotions is high and rampant, less stimulation is aimed towards your logical center. You are questioning yourself should you leave an abusive alcoholic that devalues you as a person so you cannot stand on equal footing. If you were in a better mental state, this would be an easier decision but when it comes to your husband, he puts down all your opinion and decisions as long as he disagrees with them. So, you are wondering if you should leave something that is causing harm. Seek help and resources from abuse centers and shelters.


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## justtrying10 (Jul 30, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> It's him. There is something wrong with him. These manipulating people have a way of making you feel like the crazy one, even though it's them. And they will never think it's them, it's frustrating. From what I read it seems he loves To make you the enemy. Are you 100% done with the marriage? My advice is to separate, be firm with him and create boundaries. Do you have parents or somewhere you can live and continue to go to school? You have some tough decisions to make.


The day before we argued about the trips, like I said before, he wanted me to go on those trips to please his mom, even though she never told us she had those expectations and she knew we were havning problems, not really the time to demand. So, he got terribly mad at me, because all that is in his mind is what his parents will think of him, but even after I tried convincing myself to do it , for him I just couldn´t. and stayed home. My husband and I haven´t taken any enjoyable trips for a while, like I said , anytime we go somewhere is always about something and always stress coming from him. He also suffers from social anxiety. For my birthday we went on a trip and he couldn´t help it and pushed me away emotionally. it was a two days trip so after that there was nothing more to enjoy. Finally, after I said no to both trips with his mom, they decided to go on a trip, and I said well , could we find babysitter , since it will only be a day trip and I would like to come, then he convinced me that it was a bad Idea, because we would spend money on a babysitter. That hurt me. then he came home from his job and didn t say a word to me before leaving for the trip with his mom, at night , when he came back he tried to reconceliate, but not taking a no for an answer, like he is doing me a favor, after all in his mind I should apologize for refusing sucking up going on trips with his mom. On top of that he has created an opinion of me in his mind that i could have never imagine he would , i really dont get it. 
I am pretty sure of wanting a divorce, and i´m trying to not think about the new set of hassle I would have to face after divorce, I don´t have any family that can help me get on my feet, but certainly there is nothing to aim for in my relationship, respect is totally lost, there is no kindness. I am just having a hard time accepting that all of this is happening.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Men who can't stand up to their parents are the worst men to marry. THEY CANNOT CHANGE. Not without a TON of personal therapy. And the only way he will ever be willing to do that is if you either leave or start making plans to leave.

And you should be going to therapy by yourself. Nobody should accept verbal abuse. Why do you? A therapist will help you learn how to change that dynamic. Hint: It's not about him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Alcoholic-- don't waste your life with one

No concern for YOUR feelings? Go on a 5 hour trip with HIS mom when you have a young child, when you have stated you don't want to go????? He has no concern that you will be trapped for hours with your mother-in-law on a trip that you did not plan, nor did you express interest in?

That's a selfish, disrespectful person.

Think of it this way, you basically have no choice in this. Do you really think your life will be happy with a disrespectful, selfish alcoholic? I can't see how. Let his mother worry about him.


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