# Not here yet, but getting prepared..dating Q's...



## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Hi all. Im 42 with 4 kids, married 12yrs. My STBXH is reminding me everyday of our getting divorced... He is leaving me. I believe deeply he has had an affair although i cannot prove it and he swears he hasnt, but the signs... they are all there. This morning he told me he will be marrying someone much younger, hes looked into the cost of reversing his vasectomy and will be having 2 more kids with her... BTW my marriage is ending because i didnt put him first.

I cant get over him, and im starting to get this eeling to meet someone else - quickly, to try to move on probably because he already has.

From people who have been there done that... any tips on moving on? how long did you wait before dating? Anyone older with more than 2 kids find a serious relationship?

Right now i feel like i will be stuck being lonely the rest of my life while my ex has this great new life? never loving anyone and risk these feelings again and what if my kids like his new wife better? and dying alone... uuhhggg, just need some reassurance that somehow, someday, there will some peaceful exsistance


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Oh, honey, slow down. You sound so frantic. You are NOT in a race with your ex to see who can hook up with a new lover the fastest. Do not judge yourself that way. You do not have to be the first to "move on" (which most of the population interprets as finding a new lover immediately, lest we be labeled a "loser"), and the worst thing you can do right now is to desperately fling yourself at some new guy just to prove your worth to your twerpo husband.

I do understand what you are feeling. I am a 52-year-old mother of a teenaged daughter, alone after an 18 year marriage. The fear and sadness well up. I am aging. Am I still pretty? Will I find someone new, or will I be alone for the rest of my life? But we cannot let these fears be the things that drive us, or we'll skid right off the road.

My husband had affairs while we were still together, and since our separation a year ago, he has been involved with God only knows how many women. He goes out all the time, has a much more active social life than me. His life looks a lot more fun than mine. In his eyes, he has "moved on." In the eyes of other people, he has "moved on".

I have not had a single date, nor have I had sex since our breakup exactly one year ago. I live a quieter life. Many people would view this as not "moving on". Perhaps they even view me as a loser.

They don't get it. I am moving on, by cultivating my life. I read, I write, I take care of my daughter, I go to concerts, I'm learning to cook really good food, I've lost ten pounds and look damned good in my jeans for a 52-year-old, I am appreciated at my job. I am tentatively starting some new post-divorce friendships. I do what pleases me. My life is more calm and sane than it has been in years. This is my time, and I am dedicating it to me, and to my daughter.

I don't negatively judge myself because I haven't found a new man yet. I'm not even looking, and expect that I may not for a couple more years. I'll take my time, thank you very much.

If my ex judges me negatively because I am not in a new relationship, screw him. If other people judge me negatively because I am not in a new relationship, screw them. There are many ways one can "move on" after a divorce, and the healthiest ones do not involve desperate attempts to find a new lover before you've taken any time to heal your own broken heart. 

Don't compare your life to his. If he has left you behind, stop following him. Keep a solid grip on your steering wheel and turn yourself onto a different path. Slow and steady, no skidding! You're moving into uncharted territory, and it will be bumpy, but keep on driving. Eventually, you'll be the one who leaves him behind.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Slow down...take a deep breath! We all have those fears of not finding someone or not being "enough" for the dating scene. It will work out.

Right now your 4 children need you and their dad. 

Given his snippy remarks regarding have a new family with the new, younger girl....make sure he PAYS for your children. Don't be nice either! He sounds like he is a bit resentful and ugly at this point but you are under no obligation to worry about him now (other than the father of your kiddos). I hope he still stays connected with his children.

He will get his share of Karma...you find your own path.

If you DO start dating, PLEASE leave the kiddos out of your romance. Don't introduce them to someone unless they are marriage material. It's often confusing and yes...annoying (older ones). My opinion.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

"I'm Consumed With My Ex."

I enjoyed this article by Margaret Paul.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Solitude - I love what you wrote. Reading things like that is the main reason I come on here


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Finding a new love isn't going to help you move on if you're not ready. It sounds like you're not ready. My ex married his affair partner (20 years younger) and got her pregnant. I feel a lot of the same fears you do: will the kids like her better? Will the ex still pay attention to his kids now that he has a new family? How come he gets to move on blithely happy while I have to wallow in my heartbreak?  But dating before you are ready isn't going to help you feel better in the long run. I started dating about 7 months out from the initial separation and found that time in between valuable for exploring who I am and what I want out of life. I probably should have waited longer, but overall I think the time was right for me.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

usually the first to move on is the first to be miserable bc they didn't deal with the loss of their former life properly.it's a grieving process just like death sometimes.

I learned that the hard way.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Solitude, thanks for your reply. I am still reeling from the loss, confused, frustrated and hurt beyond words. I should mention i am a sahm and have no job, no car, no friends and no family close by. All these things make it harder to cope for me. I cant throw myself into work, I cant pick up and go someplace, and cant talk to anyone (hence i am relying on the kind words of strangers) I just look at the same 4 walls and get reminded constantly of whats happening and dealing with the kids (more reminders-of whats to come) and devasted that he will have to be in my life with someone else for at least 13 more years (our youngest is only 5)

This is my very first heartbreak i had never been left and I just desperately want to get over him and move on and get back to being my usually more confident self and get it together, and i dont know how. Im not in a race to hook up, he already beat me there. But if i was to be brutally honest i would have to say i want to be validated as a woman. I am not looking for a lover or another LTR/marriage, god knows... but a distraction, and the feelings of something to forward to, that someone might want me, find me interesting. Wanting to get to know someone different . That although my husband was perfectly fine throwing me away. That im not down and out.

Your post was inspiring though, you seem at peace, it gives me hope that i wont be crawling in my skin forever... That i will come to terms although it just doesnt feel like it ever will right now.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Womanscorned, thanks for your reply, I have also read some of your other posts. I identify with you for some reason, idk why, probably because you are living what i will be going through.
I suspect i will have to reach out to you as this unfurls and all on your experience.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> Hi all. Im 42 with 4 kids, married 12yrs. My STBXH is reminding me everyday of our getting divorced... He is leaving me. I believe deeply he has had an affair although i cannot prove it and he swears he hasnt, but the signs... they are all there. This morning he told me he will be marrying someone much younger, hes looked into the cost of reversing his vasectomy and will be having 2 more kids with her... BTW my marriage is ending because i didnt put him first.


Wow. What a jerk. 

The next time he goes off like this tell him "Yes I know you're divorcing me and I'm waiting for the divorce papers. What is the hold up? Make it happen fast so we ecan both move on."

Wen he says how he's marrying someone else and having babies tell him "Congratulations. Good for you. I plan to do the same." 

UGH He sounds AWFUL. 



HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> From people who have been there done that... any tips on moving on? how long did you wait before dating? Anyone older with more than 2 kids find a serious relationship?


Time and NO CONTACT are the only way to get over someone. If you have to talk to him, only discuss legal matters and co-parenting. Anythin gelse is off limits.

Get a new haircut, exercise, flirt with a hottie, buy some new perfume/undies. SMILE and get sunlight.

The faster you get him out of your life, the sooner you can move on.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Take some of his support money and by some new colorful paint and give those walls a new look.


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Jellybean, 

He sure is being a jerk ...

uh, i dont know how to put a quote from your post but i should let you know i cant tell him i will do the same. 
He knows I can no longer have children i hit "the change" 2 years ago. I think hes enjoying rubbing it my face that shes younger and can still have children, maybe i somehow became less of a woman in his eyes for being infertile and that played into all of this somehow.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> Womanscorned, thanks for your reply, I have also read some of your other posts. I identify with you for some reason, idk why, probably because you are living what i will be going through.
> I suspect i will have to reach out to you as this unfurls and all on your experience.


Feel free to reach out. I will try to help you out as best I can. It's all new territory to me, too


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## frigginlost (Oct 5, 2011)

HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> Jellybean,
> 
> He sure is being a jerk ...
> 
> ...


Not to butt in, but that guy is an absolute a**. Go no contact on his pathetic butt. No woman deserves to be thought less of in your position. Try to keep your chin up, and come here to vent. It will help.

Also, post the name and address of this bozo so some of us can go b*tch slap him. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Frigginlost, You made me LOL on that last sentence, thank you for that! It had been a while. I am not really supposed to be here I think, since we are not divorced yet... But you guys have made it this far so there is wisdom here  .

And believe me, the way things are going im worried TAM is gonna block my IP from all the venting.... I'll be around here someplace, my process is basically just getting started, maybe ill get to the point where i can give and not just get help.

Thanks again.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

I'm not nearly as peaceful as I appear.  I am still in a fair amount of turmoil, but I think I'm also gaining some wisdom along the way.

I know how much it hurts, to have the person you love most in the world turn on you. The final two years of my marriage were awful, full of bad treatment that I did not deserve. How my sweet loving guy morphed into such a monster will always be a mystery.

You must do everything you can to protect yourself. Turn to ice on this man. As much as possible, cut contact with him. Topics for discussion: the children, the divorce, finances. Listen to no other words from him. The instant he starts with the insults and abuse and bragging, turn without a word and walk out of the room. You do not have to take that cr*p from him.

I am sorry that you are without family and friends to help you through this. If you live in mid-Michigan, I'll meet you for coffee.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HeartbreakHotelGuest said:


> Jellybean,
> 
> He sure is being a jerk ...
> 
> ...


Yes you can tell him that. You can tell him anything just as he's telling you. Tell him "And I am also going to find a 20 year old boytoy and have the most amazin sex of my life with him. After all, I'm in my sexual prime." and wink at him.

Girl, don't let him railroad you. He can dish it? Dish it right back. And be confident.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Great post solitude. Love your perspective!

My STBXW and I were talking last night, I was telling her about all the fun stuff I have been doing. And she said, "See, you're going out and enjoying being single too!"

My response was, "When my daughter and son are older, if they are doing the things I'm doing, I'll be proud of them. If they are doing the things you're doing, I will be saddened."

I think it shows the mark of wisdom and self-respect when you do activities that enrich your life, not just bar hopping or hooking up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> My STBXW and I were talking last night, I was telling her about all the fun stuff I have been doing. And she said, "See, you're going out and enjoying being single too!"
> 
> My response was, "When my daughter and son are older, if they are doing the things I'm doing, I'll be proud of them. If they are doing the things you're doing, I will be saddened."


:rofl: Hilarious.


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