# Wife talking to her x boyfrien



## dusty747 (Jun 8, 2015)

My wife of 22 years is talking to her x boyfriend 
I frist found out when she left her facebook open, she was texting him on instant messages , when I confronted her she said she would quit
Then a few days later I found out her friend at work has him a friend on facebook, what made me think something else was going on is her friend don't know him at all he lives 3 states 
away my wife told me stopped also found out she is talking to him on her work phone 3 times a week 
anyone haveany suggestions on what to do


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Did you see what the texts were about?

Either way, she seems to be hiding something from you and that is never a good sign.

(unless this ex can get something super special for your birthday and you wife is only using him to get it for you) 


Sorry for the poor attempt at humour. 




Good luck.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Mean what you say and follow through. If you catch her, and you can, easily enough (find the standard evidence post)...Pack her a bag and tell her to leave. Your through...have papers drawn up and ready to sign. 

To save your marriage and create strong boundaries...you must be willing to end it. 

In most cases, this approach will end her BS immediately. It probably will in yours too....but if you waver...at all...you will lose.

Then...you need to figure out why this happened...are you being the best you, that you can be? Think back and try to find the things that she has asked of you or needed, that maybe you didn't pay enough attention to...if you think hard enough, your going to find it. Don't bother asking her...this is on you at that point. 

Stop the damage first, then figure out how your marriage made it into harms way and fix that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MarriedDude said:


> Mean what you say and follow through. If you catch her, and you can, easily enough (find the standard evidence post)...Pack her a bag and tell her to leave. Your through...have papers drawn up and ready to sign.
> 
> To save your marriage and create strong boundaries...you must be willing to end it.
> 
> ...


I agree.

There are margins and boundaries for all marriages. If she decides she values his friendship over your marriage be prepared to end it.

This sounds like there are some deep seated issues in your marriage. Start dealing with those as well.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do what MarriedDude and thatbpguy said.

Then get back to us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fuemangsh (Jun 8, 2015)

she seems to be hiding something from you and that is never a good sign.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

"also found out she is talking to him on her work phone 3 times a week "

Massive issue. Why would a married woman talk to an ex 3 times a week?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you should ask to see the content if this is bothering you. Most friendships are innocent. If there is anything inappropriate in the content, though, then you are justified in asking her to break all contact.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I would post this under Coping with Infidelity...because that's what this is.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

This happened to me, only with e-mails. 

Long Story Short: My wife’s sister made friends on Facebook with an ex-boyfriend of my wife’s from HS days. He asked my SIL to give him my wife’s e-mail address so they can catch-up and my (stupid) SIL connected them. Well, I discovered the e-mails between my wife and her ex and I thought my head was going to explode. While the e-mails were fairly benign, it was clear to me that this guy was fishing. And to top it off this guy lived fairly close to us and suggested that they get together one day to talk about “old times”. Well the first thing I did was I copied the e-mails for myself and then I deleted them from her e-mail box. Then I deleted his email address from her address book and I put a block on his mail address so no e-mails could get in from him or out to him. I sent him an e-mail from my mail account and said that if he tried to contact my wife again, I would be having a conversation with his wife. I blocked Facebook at the router (no access to Facebook for anyone in the house) and then I waited for my wife to say something. When she did, I told her I found the e-mails, which as I said were benign, and I said that I didn't like her being in contact with an ex-boyfriend without my knowing about it. After a very heated discussion I told her if she wants to have a relationship of any kind, no matter how innocent, with her old HS boyfriend, she has to leave the marriage; I had no plans to make it easy for another guy to hit on her. I also told her that when the kids ask me why they can't access Facebook, I will tell them it's because their mother is talking to other men on line. After a week, she agreed not to contact him again.

Needless to say this changed our relationship a bit. This is a woman that I love with all my heart; the only woman for me since I was 21. I was really having second thoughts on how I handled the situation, which brought me to TAM, but now there is no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing, mistakes and all. Yes, the relationship took some damage because I was a bull in a china shop, but it was worth it, given that I may have prevented myself from being played for a fool. The main thing I learned from TAM was there is no room for EX's in a marriage. A marriage is between two people, not three and I'm willing to bet that if I didn’t react, my wife could have been banging this guy at some point.

My advice to you, draw a line in the sand. Him or you. If she chooses to stay in contact, you may not have had a real marriage in the first place.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I posted this before, and here it is again:

Right now, the texts, e-mails, calls may be innocent, but soon they will morph into

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels you're not ALWAYS there for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she loves to talk to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/e-mails/calls now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you don't give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's already talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?

Right now, she somewhere between:

How she looks forward to his texts/e-mails/calls and
How she feels young again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Oh, and she's already lied to you about "ending it" and has, as they say here, "taken it underground".
Be looking for a secret e-mail account, pay-as-you-go phone, new passwords to all of her devices, etc...

And be ready for her to start with her screaming that there's nothing going on, you're paranoid, you're invading her privacy, you're controlling and abusive, you're trying to isolate her, you're just an abusive Neanderthal. Don't cave in: that is CLASSIC Cheater Script.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

While I agree that nipping potential affairs in the bud is a good thing, I have always felt that if one has to use brute force to stop a wife from talking to undesirables like ex-boyfriends, then the marriage is not worth it as she will always be resentful i.e. if she does not see this as wrong for herself then is it worth staying with her ? I guess this is open to debate and I am sure there will be many viewpoints.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> This happened to me, only with e-mails.
> 
> Long Story Short: My wife’s sister made friends on Facebook with an ex-boyfriend of my wife’s from HS days. He asked my SIL to give him my wife’s e-mail address so they can catch-up and my (stupid) SIL connected them. Well, I discovered the e-mails between my wife and her ex and I thought my head was going to explode. While the e-mails were fairly benign, it was clear to me that this guy was fishing. And to top it off this guy lived fairly close to us and suggested that they get together one day to talk about “old times”. Well the first thing I did was I copied the e-mails for myself and then I deleted them from her e-mail box. Then I deleted his email address from her address book and I put a block on his mail address so no e-mails could get in from him or out to him. I sent him an e-mail from my mail account and said that if he tried to contact my wife again, I would be having a conversation with his wife. I blocked Facebook at the router (no access to Facebook for anyone in the house) and then I waited for my wife to say something. When she did, I told her I found the e-mails, which as I said were benign, and I said that I didn't like her being in contact with an ex-boyfriend without my knowing about it. After a very heated discussion I told her if she wants to have a relationship of any kind, no matter how innocent, with her old HS boyfriend, she has to leave the marriage; I had no plans to make it easy for another guy to hit on her. I also told her that when the kids ask me why they can't access Facebook, I will tell them it's because their mother is talking to other men on line. After a week, she agreed not to contact him again.
> 
> ...


Not to hijack the thread, but that was the perfect decision IMHO.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

I get the protecting the marriage thing but it feels like a sign of weakness that you have to go to those lengths to cut it off at the knees like that. Feels like a ton of insecurity. Just read this on understandingrelationships.com




Here is my response:

Hi Tom,

Thanks for your questions! I would have handled the situation differently regarding your girlfriend still talking to her ex’s. A confident alpha male is not threatened by other men hitting on his girl. He takes it as a compliment. fashion beautiful young couple 

However, when your girlfriend is talking to ex’s who are constantly trying to get her to leave you for him, it can create major problems. In your case, I would have said to her (your girlfriend)…”I am okay with you talking to your ex’s and you having a mature friendship where they respect the fact you are with me and in a relationship. However, I would prefer that you tell the ex’s that are constantly hitting on you and trying to convince you to leave me for them to take a hike. Since, they are not respectful of our relationship and are constantly trying to interfere and break us up, it is not healthy for our relationship to have these negative outside influences. If you really love me and are committed to us, I would think you would agree. The situation makes me feel uncomfortable, and I would rather we not have outside influences trying to damage or end our relationship.”

Now, if she refuses to break off contact with the ones who are trying to create problems, it would communicate to me that I am not really that important to her, and therefore she is not really committed to our relationship 100%. 

It would also draw into question her integrity. A woman who loves you, but wants to keep interfering ex’s in the background, either still has feelings for these guys, or is too insecure to commit to you both 100%, and therefore keeps these ex’s as backup in case things don’t work out between you two. 

Most women that sense their relationship is not 100% secure will keep ex’s and male “friends” around as your potential replacement if you screw up. 

What you have to determine, if you want to patch things up with her potentially, is whether she has any integrity. If she does not, then she is out. She’s fired. Not a candidate. Disqualified. Does not measure up. Not good relationship material, etc. You get the picture. Keep her as a friends with benefits girl or have an open relationship with her, not a committed exclusive relationship. She will never make you feel comfortable. You will always be sleeping “with one eye open,” wondering if she is going to screw your neighbor, best friend, etc. when you are not around, or when things go sideways. 

Women that are mature and know how to communicate will work things out with you through communication instead of calling the ex’s and looking for the exit. I dated a woman like this once. I never trusted her. I still don’t trust her. Never have and never will. 

However, I love her dearly and will always care about her and be grateful for our time together. I learned many years ago, she is unwilling to learn any communication skills. The man is always going to have to break through her barriers to get her to open up when she shuts down emotionally, because she gets mad and gives the silent treatment when she gets mad or feels hurt. As hot as she was, and as good as the sex was, it was not enough for me to want to spend my life chasing after her and breaking down her walls every time she got butt-hurt. 

That is what her father always did when she and her mother stopped talking over some petty disagreement. This would go on for months, and then her Dad would go over and get her to talk to her mother so they could heal the rift. 

She got married earlier this year. We were talking on the phone last summer and she brought up her lack of communication skills. She laughed and said how I know she has no communication skills. She is aware of it, but is simply not interested/motivated to learn or improve this issue of hers. I am just not built that way, (like her Dad). It wore me down after a few years of this. I remember the day we broke up. She was pissed at me for something, and I just simply did not want to muster the strength to open her up again. It was petty and I was simply tired of it. I let it fall apart. It was sooo hard to move on, but I did it. Deep down, I knew it was time. We’ve been friends for years since. I don’t think she will ever change. Hopefully her new husband does not get tired of it and leave like all the rest of us have after we’ve had enough. 

So what should you do now? You need to communicate and resolve issues like adults, instead of breaking up over them. Young happy couple talking each other sitting on a sofa However, if she has no integrity or is unwilling to communicate better, would you really want to get back together with this girl? I think not. Women that are good long term relationship material will bend over backwards to make you feel comfortable and communicate with words and deeds that they love you. Those relationships are effortless and worth the time and money investing in yourself to become better with women and relationships. If you continue to work on and invest in yourself, it will make you the ultimate alpha male so you can land a total ten when she comes along.

From my heart to yours,

Corey Wayne


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dusty747 said:


> My wife of 22 years is talking to her x boyfriend
> I frist found out when she left her facebook open, she was texting him on instant messages , when I confronted her she said she would quit
> Then a few days later I found out her friend at work has him a friend on facebook, what made me think something else was going on is her friend don't know him at all he lives 3 states
> away my wife told me stopped also found out she is talking to him on her work phone 3 times a week
> anyone haveany suggestions on what to do


Your W is using the coworker as the go between. The coworker is toxic to the marriage if she has allowed this. I suspect your W has put a black cloud over your marriage thus convincing her coworker to facilitate the contact on her FB page. 

There appears to be more to this story than you know.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Morcoll said:


> I would have handled the situation differently regarding your girlfriend still talking to her ex’s. A confident alpha male is not threatened by other men hitting on his girl. He takes it as a compliment.


1. I know you're trying to help, but girlfriends can't take half your assets, the roof over your head, halve the time you have with your children (possibly), and get alimony. Being married is a completely different ball game.

2. _”I am okay with you talking to your ex’s and you having a mature friendship where they respect the fact you are with me and in a relationship."_ is delusional. It's safer to believe that exes don't give a crap about your relationship. Have a look in CWI for some case studies.

3. In a marriage either spouse has right to voice who they don't consider a friend of the marriage. If a party is deemed to not be a friend of the marriage, they have to go.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The other guy isn't the problem.

The reason why your wife isn't being honest with you is the problem.

Figure that out, and you figure out everything you need to know.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yup, btdt with my wife of 29 yrs. Go take a listen to the Brad Paisley song "Facebook Friends". That is precisely how these things go. Any marriage / family counselor will tell you they see this exact progression all day long every day in their office.

The way to approach this is with requests and boundaries. The boundary is something like "I will not remain in a relationship with someone who is diverting their emotions into a relationship with an ex". So you are not telling her what to do or not do, you are stating you will not stay in the marriage if she continues this contact.

The request is where you should start. Request that she un-friend and block ex-bf. Request that she end all contact with him. Request full transparency in all communications, which means you both share all passwords for email, social media, cell phones, etc.

But what you'll likely get is immediate and complete denials when you make the request. She'll say he doesn't mean anything, he's gotten old and looks terrible, etc etc etc. She'll say she doesn't want to be rude to him. This is what my wife did, and I would describe her FB contact with him as innocent looking. He was obviously fishing. She was enamored and hooked back in immediately by his first message. He lives 2000 miles away so I know it was never a PA, and I don't believe there was anything sexy or inappropriate in their few brief messages. Yet she was pulled back in. Listen to that Brad Paisley song. 

Your wife is in at least an Emotional Affair. She will resist your efforts to break off her contact with him, and she may even believe it when she says she's done nothing wrong. She's a drug addict at this point, high on brain chemicals.

You have to shock and awe her back into the marriage. Nice won't work! Set a nuclear boundary after she refuses your request of no contact.

I suggest you gather as much intel as you can in the next 2 days. You have to be quick to stop it before it goes PA, if it hasn't already. So don't delay. But you need hard proof or else she'll deny. Or, you can set the nuclear boundary but you have to be ready and willign to pull the trigger immediately. I think you need to talk to a lawyer immediately, too.

Sorry you're here under these circumstances.


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