# Hope someone has some advice for me...



## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi everyone,

This might get a little long so please bear with me and I apologize in advance.

I have been married for 13 years, together almost 20. The love between my wife and I had and I believe is still very deep. I have read many postings and each has individual nuances that make their story different.

Mine is this, there were addictions, first to booze and in the recent past pain killers. I call them dependencies and emotional bandaid's more than addicitions, because I walked away from both and can still have a drink now and again without having any major interest. My wife and I both enjoyed drugs together and she still smokes weed from time to time to deal with her anxiety.

I was a hard partier for a long time and I was neglectful for far far too long to a woman who once loved me to the end of the earth. 

In both cases of my own dependencies, I was completely functioning. However, despite some major professional successes, there have been some professional failures. I got laid off in 2009, started my own catering company but had lost my motivation long before that. I worked from home for 6 years and while times were good...but when times got bad...

So, my wife also got laid off middle of last year and we both decided it was time to move to a new city. My wife found a job in Miami and I stayed back to tie up loose ends and find a renter for our house because the real estate market stinks. I took care of everything and moved a 26ft truck out to Miami with my three dogs.

All the while it was my belief that we both saw this as a new beginning for it all. It must be noted that I craved the move, not only because where I was was sucking the life out of me but also because I needed to get away from a couple of people who wouldn't let me out of my addiction to pain killers. The day I drove off, was one of the best days of my life. I don't even think about those horrible things anymore.

It must be noted that in between the day my wife got hired and the day I moved down here, my wife got fired for no reason after three months on the job. I could get into that but you just have to trust me that it was the most disgusting thing I have ever, personally, seen a company do. My wife spun out of control ! She is a perfectionist and someone who has always done incredibly well in her chosen profession, so being fired twice in succession was a huge blow to her. She then found another job outside her profession and that didn't work out either. She is back in her field, since last week, and seemingly comfortable. ( ideally she would rather not have to work at all as she believes she has done her share over the last number of years and that I should be able to take care of her...it's a thought but she is a smart girl and therefore knows that it's not possible ).

In the meantime, I found a very good job, decent base but with great potential, in sales in the aerospace industry. One of the things I read most from forums like these was, if your unemployed, and your marriage is suffering don't expect any return to normal until you find that new good job. Obvious I know but....anyway that objective accomplished.

There is so much more to the story but where I sit right now, my wife live under the same roof, I see moments where I know she feels for me. She has a light social life without me, which is sometimes a bother for me, because I came down here with a new lease on life and a desire to make up for all of the things I failed at for too long, including showing her the kind of love and attention she deserved.

We had a conversation today and she re-iterated the despite her moving closer, when I touch her or hold her she feels like I am a stranger, that she is not feeling it. That she see us as friends, but that for some reason she just can't let me go. Neither one of us are dependent on the other, now, and so there is no financial reason or other to stick together.

We could be buying a new house shortly which is a commitment and she seems completely fine with that and she talks about how we can do this and that and that we will have friends over for couples dinner parties, that this is what she wants. 

I meanwhile, am only interested in being that good husband she has been craving. We have a beautiful 9 year old boy who is the light of my life and whom I want to spend every moment with,especially now that he is becoming more independent and out with his buddies, but I do end up being the home at home, while she is out shopping or where she is now, just hanging with some buddies.

I haven't followed up on a couple of new friends made through other friends down here. Have feared that if I do go socialize, she could then say " oh he's back to his partying ways " and that she will retaliate by partying harder, which would just have us ending up back in that vicious circle again of hurting each other.

Anyway, I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just someone who might know what my wife is thinking. I love her desperately, always have and am fighting tooth and nail to keep this family together because I just can't see us all not together, as a divorced family.

I don't understand why my wife will not let down the wall around her and give it one last try because I know this time would be the winner. We both came down here without one having hurt the other directly, lots of history but...

Any thoughts and advice would be welcomed. I have decided to follow up on these couple of friends and start to build some independence but I am deathly worried it will backfire on me and could be just the straw needed to break my wife's back, even though she has said " you need to get out and make your own friends ".

Et voila that's my story.

Thank you all in advance for reading my ramblings and for your response.

Patrick


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Welcome to the boards.

You outline a great deal about the circumstances that led to your issue, but you actually provide very little information about the issue itself.

I'm speculating, but between a very big move, feeling unsettled, the job loss, and your unpredictability (as you outline it) that your wife feels very insecure about what and who she can depend on ... primarily when it comes to you.

The house is meaningless as a commitment if the foundation of your relationship isn't solid. I have a family member that bought a new house, lost it, and their marriage in less than 2 years. If the marriage is questionable, buying a house is downright foolish ... unless one of you ending up with it is part of the plan.

Part of the very reason that she may be less attracted to you is exactly what you laid out ... she has realized she doesn't depend on you.

Only suggestion I can make is that you avoid any of the pitfalls where your addictions are concerned and do what you need to do in terms of holding the job and maintaining stability. What were you like when she met you - and _was_ attracted to you?


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## frenchmanfl (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi Deejo, thank you very much for your response. I really appreciate it. I want to reply, but it might not be until next week that I can do so, very busy week ahead, but I will respond. 

I ended up cutting my story short, as you noted, because I felt I was just going to bore the reader, because it's such a long and complicated one. 

I have read many stories and while there are many similarities, each one has it's nuances.

I will be back and thanks again so much for taking the time to respond and provide such valuable advice. I believe you are absolutely right about her fears about herself and me. I guess I was hoping things would move a little faster. I never expected her to suddenly click back to loving me but...

Thanks again and have a great week.

Patrick


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