# Feeling overwhelemed and in Limbo



## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

I will try to keep it short. I am 47 my wife is 45. She woke me up one morning and said we needed to talk. The next thing I know she is telling me she is unhappy and thinks she doesn't love me anymore. As many of these posts go, I had no idea. We have a history of 30 years. 24 in marriage. Two kids. No serious fights EVER (I know some of you may suspect that but it is true). She packed a bag and left for her mothers. I started reading the forums. I started the 180 steps. I have been working out. I have lost 20 lbs. Female coworkers are complimenting me and it feels good. My wife and I had another conversation. I was a good listener, I did not judge, I did not accuse. I acknowledged her feelings. I did let her know that I believed that marriage was forever and that I was willing to work on the marriage. Talking with her she had no plan. She did tell me she was talking to a man but he was just a friend. I did not ask anything more and did not show any anger for it. I know who it is. It is her former boss. He lives in another state. He is 15 to 20 years older than her and also divorced. As I said my kids are older. 22 and living at home while going to college and 16 finishing high school. Before she makes any changes she wants to make sure my youngest finishes high school and seems to want to keep them in the dark about our situation. I think this is crazy. Both are smart and have figured out what is exactly happening. They have asked me questions and I try to keep in simple. I will not use them against her but I will not tell them everything is okay when they clearly know otherwise. She isn't fooling anyone. My youngest calls her CRAY CRAY. They both have been very supportive. She told me the other day that she would stay one more day at her moms and asked if that was okay. HUH? I'm thinking to myself why are you telling me? I tell her that she should take as much time as she needs. I can take care of the house. At this point I figure she will move out to her moms and make the decision on what she will do. So I come home one day and she is home. She has started cleaning the house and doing laundry. Things weren't in that bad of shape as the kids and I have been on top of things. I figure once I came in she would make an excuse and just leave. She stays. She asks the family to sit on the couch and watch a show we usually watch. This includes me. She is acting like nothing happened. She is treating my very nice. My daughter keeps looking at me and mouthing CRAY CRAY (I love her so much). My wife brought fast food for all of us. I'm tripped out. She finally says she has to go and I walk her to the car. Honestly her attitude was like nothing had happened between us. She gets in her car, gives me a little smile and waves. 

I'm not sure what happens next. I am 100% for reconciliation. If she said there was a chance I would work my hardest to repair the marriage.

I also realize (not saying emotionally prepared) to let her go to. It will hurt but I know I can get through it.

I'm not sure I can do either if she is going to move back in and play pretend house. I don't know what to think about this. On the one hand she is back in my sphere of influence. If nothing else I get to show my 180 steps move. On the other hand I'm not a pretend guy. It's just not me. I'm not sure what to make of this and she hasn't communicated anything more to me. I'm not sure what to do. If I confront her am I breaking the 180? Should I just say nothing let her come back and continue the 180? Really tripped out. Feels like I am in limbo.

Any thoughts appreciated.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Has she always been this lousy at communication?


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

Yes, she bottles up her emotions until she explodes. Horrible communication skills.


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## buddylake (Jun 25, 2015)

These problems are too big to handle alone. Ask her to attend marriage counseling with you. If she won't, then continue the 180 and tell her that she can ask the kids out to lunch or dinner on her own, but you aren't comfortable doing 'family nights' under the circumstances (assuming you are not).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Instead of everyone sitting around confused do the following:
1. Tell her to make a choice between marriage and divorce.
2. Allow her 2 minutes to think about it.
3. IF anything other than a firm choice for marriage comes out of her mouth, then file for divorce.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

_She did tell me she was talking to a man but he was just a friend._ 

OKaaaay....lets revisit this. Have you seen their texts? Has he been out to visit her? 

If you want a reconciliation you need to find out what is going on here.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Oko is right, she has lost respect for you. Next time she stops over, you need to be prepared to calmly tell her directly that you are finished with this marriage. Then do not spend any time with her. Being nice to someone who treats you with such disrespect does not work. Rebuild your self respect.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This man she's communicating is a bigger part of the problem than you realize. If, or when, he cuts off communication then it's very likely she'll want to R since she has no plan. But without working on her issues, your marriage will not succeed. Be careful what you agree to, if she decides she wants to R, and don't give her all the power.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

oko said:


> She's having a long distance affair with her boss. She's trying to figure out if she's going to make the big move to be with him and dump you and the kids in the process. Your needs, your children's needs are of no concern to her, she's only interested in what works best for her.
> 
> Yet you are 100% for reconciliation and you are jumping around trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for her and not upset her because you think that this will in some way make a difference.
> 
> It won't. Grow a set and stop putting up with this BS. She might actually start to respect you.


Oko is right - on all accounts. Do the 180 and start immediately.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't play happy family, because you aren't a happy family. You're teaching your children the wrong lessons here. She wants out, she stays out.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Try to stick to one thread.

What have you done to find out how deep this rabbit hole with her old boss is? Its unlikely he isn't the reason for her leaving her family and friend zoning you. Its also unlikely she dumped everything without having sex with him. Can you reconcile if that's the case.

Separation is usually pulled in order to legitimize, in their minds, their affair.

What kind of detective work have you done? How much is she texting him? Phone calls? What is she doing for a car? Look up the STANDARD EVIDENCE THREAD in the Coping With Infidelity section.


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

I know who the man is. He works in the same company but located in a different state. She has a very, very stressful executive job and he has been there to guide her. When he first came in the seen she told me about him. He is divorced. At the time I did not take him as a threat. He is fairly older than her. She is 44 and his in in his 60's. I don't think they have had much real actual time together. Our marriage is VERY family oriented which takes up our time (Soccer, Movie Night, Walking Dead, Nintendo Night). The business I work at is right next to hers. We usually car pool in and out together. Until 2 months ago we would have lunch with each other EVERY DAY. I have seen the phone records though and they are disturbing. Texts and Calls start increasing a few weeks ago and at inappropriate times. 

This next part is NOT and excuse...but I want to say it. She insists he is just a friend and needs him for emotional support. She works in a mostly Male dominated work environment and I know he has gone to bat for her. I work in a female dominated environment (k-8 education) and I have a lot of female friends too. I text and talk to them. I don't feel she has tried to hide him from me or be deceptive. Quite the opposite actually. Still evidence is evidence and it suggests that an emotional attachment in forming. Maybe a romance.


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

amen!


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

Got to get her to talk first. We only ever had one "sit down". She spent most of it keeping silent, rocking back and forth, playing with her wedding ring. She has not said the words divorce or separate. She is in avoidance mode.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The boss may or may not be anything more than a trusted sounding board. This sounds like a mid-life crisis of sorts - she may be evaluating her life as it has turned out and comparing that to what her dreams used to be. Reconciling the two may depend on how different they are, and what she decides she wants for her future.

While this is going on, continue the 180 and observe - perhaps do a little investigation as well.


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

oko said:


> She's having a long distance affair with her boss. She's trying to figure out if she's going to make the big move to be with him and dump you and the kids in the process. Your needs, your children's needs are of no concern to her, she's only interested in what works best for her.
> 
> Yet you are 100% for reconciliation and you are jumping around trying to figure out how to make things comfortable for her and not upset her because you think that this will in some way make a difference.
> 
> It won't. Grow a set and stop putting up with this BS. She might actually start to respect you.


Oko I have. I was stunned at first. I was blindsided. It took me 5 days to get oriented. Since then I have 180. I apologize but I did a forum mistake and made another thread. Read this one http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...6850-will-you-please-just-leave-me-alone.html to find where I am now.


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> The boss may or may not be anything more than a trusted sounding board. This sounds like a mid-life crisis of sorts - she may be evaluating her life as it has turned out and comparing that to what her dreams used to be. Reconciling the two may depend on how different they are, and what she decides she wants for her future.
> 
> While this is going on, continue the 180 and observe - perhaps do a little investigation as well.


Yes, I like your advice. I want to prepare for the worst hope for the best. That said even if this marriage ends( and it isnt looking good). I want to know that in the end even if Im the one who files for the divorce did everything I could to save it. This is about closure. I am aware of having to "man up" and keep my dignity. I will continue to develop MY exit plan and executing the 180. I am observing very carefully. This is what I have done so far. Sorry about making another thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...6850-will-you-please-just-leave-me-alone.html


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

buddylake said:


> These problems are too big to handle alone. Ask her to attend marriage counseling with you. If she won't, then continue the 180 and tell her that she can ask the kids out to lunch or dinner on her own, but you aren't comfortable doing 'family nights' under the circumstances (assuming you are not).


You are correct on all points.


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

Openminded said:


> This man she's communicating is a bigger part of the problem than you realize. If, or when, he cuts off communication then it's very likely she'll want to R since she has no plan. But without working on her issues, your marriage will not succeed. Be careful what you agree to, if she decides she wants to R, and don't give her all the power.


Yes, I think you are right. But right now she seems to be this little confused bunny. When I retreat she comes closer, when I try to move closer she runs for the hills. I am doing the 180.


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## ti994a68 (Jul 1, 2015)

I am learning that posting in a forum is hard. I think I have given you guys all the info but realize I have failed in some areas. YES, I have investigated.

1. I have looked on her home computer for anything - none
2. Logged into facebook and twitter - nothing
3. Physically searched car - nothing (I know she didnt drive 5 states away)
4. I have searched the house up and down. Opened every drawer and every envelope. Nothing
5 I can account pretty accurately here whereabouts back until signs of trouble appeared. Nothing fishy. No late night meetings. 
6. I cannot access her work environment. She has a work email that I cant check.
7. Obviously the cell phone log is a big concern.
8. Up until a month ago we car pooled and went to lunch together. That said I work in the building next to hers and when I went home I could see her car in the parking lot and she was never more than a few minutes behind me.
9. I have check all bank and credit cards.
10. I have looked in her undie drawer (actually all clothing). There is nothing frilly or new.

No denial here. This could be an affair (physical or emotional or both) but If it is that it is in it infancy. Not that matters in anyway.

This women has been right by my side for 30 years. I mean RIGHT BY MY SIDE. My eyes are clear and my ears are open. Something is up, but at this time I dont know what. I like the 180 plan. Watch and Listen while preparing to get on with my life. It just seems that she doesnt have a plan. She is running. Running from me. Yes, there will come a time that if she keeps running then I will just have to take the steps to end it (which I have already started by seeking legal council). This by the way makes me feel like I control my own destiny. In a detached way the educator in my is fascinated by her behavior. It is just so odd. It's a train wreck and I'm in it but it will make a great story one day. I want to thank everyone here for the input. It helps to hear different thoughts and reasoning and helps me solidify my thoughts and feelings. It helps me take one step further.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Her relying on him for emotional support is walking a fine line. You, female friends and family should be a good support system. Once he starts meeting her needs (emotional support!) they may find themselves in love! Maybe it is just an EA, but will turn into a P)A most likely very soon.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Definitely an affair. But hey, at least she was decent enough to stay at her mother's house while involved w/ another man... right?

Sorry. You're probably not laughing.

Anyway, if you want to save your marriage, you've got to get out in front of everything. Confront her w/ your knowledge of her involvement w/ OM, and tell her that she needs to either move home and fully commit herself to the reconciliation of your marriage (which obviously would involve her quitting her current job), or that you'll be moving forward w/ divorce.


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