# It's finally go time... Leaving my alcoholic husband



## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

I will admit I am on here for support. I am making such an incredibly hard decision and I keep second guessing if I'm "doing the wrong thing" because I'm told now that "you've never been a supportive wife, you never loved me".

Truth is I was probably an enabler without realizing it. I loved him. I wanted to help him. I gave him love and kindness and forgiveness over and over and over... But it's not enough. Love alone isn't enough to cure this.

I guess there's no perfect right or wrong way to finally come to that brokenhearted place that you simply can't be with the man you once loved. He's been replaced by a drunk, abusive man who makes my heart and head hurt.

I've only been married for a little over a year. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until we moved across the country, left my family and friends, so he could be near his family and adult kids. I have 3 teens from a previous marriage.

Then... Because I was at home and not working yet and he was working from home I could see that he was drinking daily. I was finding evidence all around the shop and garage. A full case of beer. 24 cans. He was more argumentative. He often passed out drunk on the sofa.

The final straw came when my teenage son texted me from his part time job after work saying "*** is slurring and drunk, what do I do mom??" Sadly I didn't get his text until later... My H drove him home hammered!!!

I was livid!!! I told him if he drank again I would leave him because I will not have my children be put in harm's way, emotionally or physically.

Then he drank. Again the ultimatum as he's begging me to please give him "one more chance" The promises to quit. The sponsor at AA. The lies of sobriety and attending meetings, meeting with his sponsor, yet he was still actively drinking. Then he was sober... For a week. Maybe?

Monday, I saw him pull up in his company car and take a pee in the driveway. I knew he was drinking. I ran down to the car as he's trying to stash a partly drunk bottle of vodka under his seat. And I just gave up. I'm done. I'm tired. I'm tired of being lied to. Tired of broken promises. Tired of the cycle of drinking/barely sober and the intense painful loneliness that comes with this.

I'm putting the house on the market, I'm getting an attorney, I'm moving myself and my kids back home. He's becoming belligerent. I've seen a nasty side of him that makes me understand why his ex wife of 20 years hates him so much. He's very very cruel...I feel like I'm losing my mind when he talks to me drunk.

I can't stay in hell. I won't. I have to be done for my health and my children. 1 year with an actively drinking alcoholic was enough for me. It's like watching a train wreck up ahead and barely jumping out of the way before it takes you down with it.


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## Angelwanderer (Mar 20, 2018)

Wow. That's a wild read. You sound like you know the deal though. That's a good thing.

Some people go forty years before realizing how deep they are. By that time, they feel stuck, can't get out and can't say anything because they won't change it. 

Not you. Good luck. 

-A

Wrote a letter about my troubled marriage. It became a novel (SEETHINGS), mostly fiction wink. Read it on Smashwords for free.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I certainly know how it feels. It's a crazy train ride. Best of luck to you. I hope you continue on your path of resolution. I just bounce back & forth. My empathy & fear of the unknown gets in the way.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I certainly know how it feels. It's a crazy train ride. Best of luck to you. I hope you continue on your path of resolution. I just bounce back & forth. My empathy & fear of the unknown gets in the way.


I don't want to have to do this. I have a huge beautiful farm. My dream house. My nightmare husband to share it with...😭 
I've been grieving for months. When he's sober he's good but I've not seen him sober since we were first together. 

I'm sorry you know this rollercoaster.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Angelwanderer said:


> Wow. That's a wild read. You sound like you know the deal though. That's a good thing.
> 
> Some people go forty years before realizing how deep they are. By that time, they feel stuck, can't get out and can't say anything because they won't change it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Just in case you waver, remember that if child services finds out this guy is driving your kids around drunk and you knew about it you may well lose your kids.

Is a drunk and your farm worth it? Is it worth your kids lives?

As for what he says about you not being supportive who the **** cares? That's what addicts do.....blame everyone else. My sister is a meth/heroin addict and nothing is her fault and the family abandoned her (that's code for stopped giving her money).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Tobeknown,

Based on your description of your marriage, you are making the only reasonable choice. His alcoholism is his problem, not yours. It's certainly not your children's problem.

Don't pay attention to his nonsense about you not loving and not supporting him. That's very typical alcoholic/addict speak.

Be strong. Stay strong. You can post here any time you want, 24/7. We are here to give you support.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, absolutely get out of that mess ASAP. There are too many risks associated with being married to an alcoholic IMO.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @Tobeknown,
> 
> Based on your description of your marriage, you are making the only reasonable choice. His alcoholism is his problem, not yours. It's certainly not your children's problem.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this.
I feel like I'm battling between 2 choices.
1. Stay and hope he will go to rehab. Which has ALWAYS thus far been empty promises and lots of pain.
2.Get out, accept the loss of the dream I had for us, and not have to ride that rollercoaster of crazy.

I know I want to leave but letting go of the dream is hard. He was sweet to me last night. Apologetic. But that's his cycle after remorseful binge drinking & bad behavior. 

I still love him but it's changed into more concern than that full heart love that you feel with someone who pours back into you.

I know I must take my terrible tasting medicine, which will save me and my kids, but I finally felt like I owned something worthwhile because so much was taken from me in my last marriage. 

But things all around me don't make up for the dysfunction my kids see nor the agony of this terrible cycle of pain. 

Sigh


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Just in case you waver, remember that if child services finds out this guy is driving your kids around drunk and you knew about it you may well lose your kids.
> 
> Is a drunk and your farm worth it? Is it worth your kids lives?
> 
> As for what he says about you not being supportive who the **** cares? That's what addicts do.....blame everyone else. My sister is a meth/heroin addict and nothing is her fault and the family abandoned her (that's code for stopped giving her money).


Bang on!!

I know you're entirely right.

And I won't let him drive my kids anymore. Not worth the risk. I've never wanted to slap out a man so much as when I knew what he'd done. Momma bear came out and if I had a way of paying the mortgage...I would have thrown him out. 

It's why he's here still and why he's not gone. I was in the process of getting my career licensed here. So we're (myself and kids) are going back home to where I have a job. It's so crazy expensive to live there but I don't see I have another choice.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

You deserve to live a happy and rewarding life without the fear and agony of dealing with this drunkard husband.

I agree, it is finally time for you to go. It's only going to get worse IMHO.

Best of luck with everything. Please stay safe!


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Yes, absolutely get out of that mess ASAP. There are too many risks associated with being married to an alcoholic IMO.


Yes, sadly when I see the numbers of 100% recovered alcoholics, I grow more hopeless about this marriage. 

I wish I'd seen the signs. I know better now. He refuses rehab, wants to do it on his own with talking to people etc and meetings but I think he's beyond that. He can't stay sober beyond a week anymore.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

ah_sorandy said:


> You deserve to live a happy and rewarding life without the fear and agony of dealing with this drunkard husband.
> 
> I agree, it is finally time for you to go. It's only going to get worse IMHO.
> 
> Best of luck with everything. Please stay safe!


Thank you! You are right.

My last marriage was so painful for me and my kids. My STBXH has never used foul language against me though he's been unkind, argumentative, irrational when drinking.

He is a very sweet man when he's sober, total opposite of what I was with for almost 15 years before... So I felt like this was SO much better.

But the cycle is unbearable. I find for a few days after he stops drinking it's great, but then comes the emotional withdrawal and he's edgy, anxious, and I find myself feeling totally alone. If he makes it to 2-3 months (it's only been a few times in the last 2 years) them I see the man I used to know... But how sad to only see that man for a few days... Something stresses him out and bam, drinking.

He used to come to me too tell me he's done this. I would accept it and comfort him. But over time I'm tired of this cycle. He now hides it from me and lies and I can't stand betrayal in any form!!

So I am pulling myself together, trying to find an over priced rental back home, and trying to figure out how to sell off everything I own because I don't want to take it all... Again...2000 miles away. Meanwhile he's crying, asking to go to counseling with me. 

But will he ever be sober and can I ever really have a healthy marriage with him?? Stats aren't in his favor sadly

I


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It‘s very unlikely he’ll succeed. Most continue for the rest of their lives. 

The sooner you and your children can leave there and return home the better.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Openminded said:


> It‘s very unlikely he’ll succeed. Most continue for the rest of their lives.
> 
> The sooner you and your children can leave there and return home the better.


No you're probably right.

His mom is an alcoholic, drinks every night about 6 tall boy beers. Then she drunk texts me things like "take care of my baby boy" _OMG barf!!_

His dad is an alcoholic too. Sober 2 weeks this time.

My husband drank through his whole marriage with 2 kids last time. 20 years. Sober for 4.5
Met me, stress, triggers, life...idk but started drinking. Slowly and he big time hid it. I've only learned things as we're together. And I would NEVER have married him knowing what I know.

I'm amazed that in the face of losing everything again (he gave his last house to his wife free and clear) why would he not fight to be sober??? 

Baffling


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

Just to be clear... I'm not taking the "easy road out"... That's what he tells me.

Selling off my farm, horses, machines, furniture etc etc and moving to where I can barely afford rent is not the freaking easy road I can assure you!!!

Sorry... Venting 😢


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)




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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Tobeknown said:


> Just to be clear... I'm not taking the "easy road out"... That's what he tells me.
> 
> Selling off my farm, horses, machines, furniture etc etc and moving to where I can barely afford rent is not the freaking easy road I can assure you!!!
> 
> Sorry... Venting 😢


You will be in for a rough time to be sure! He is a fool if he thinks you losing everthing is taking "the easy road out."

Go home, take yourself and your 3 teens to safety! Safety of the four of you is of upmost importance.

You don't have anything to be sorry for! You have much to vent about thanks to Mr. Drunkard.

I wish you nothing but the best!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Tobeknown said:


> I'm amazed that in the face of losing everything again (he gave his last house to his wife free and clear) why would he not fight to be sober???


Why? Because he's choosing to drink over everything else: "We deal with alcohol: cunning, baffling, powerful." (That's from AA's Big Book.) 

I was married to an alcoholic. I eventually left. I watched him drink his way out of three jobs in six years, go broke, lose our house, get another job (just to be fired again), and eventually he died alone in a shabby apartment.

Bottom line is, alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. If he wants to get sober, he will. And don't buy the crap he's feeding you about getting sober on his own. If he could, he would have already. That's why rehabs and AA exist - to get a willing alkie sober and to maintain sobriety. You will NEVER be able to make sense of his behavior; after all, you're not an alcoholic. 

Do yourself a favor, and own what is yours to own. I started going to Al-Anon in 1996. It was a lifeline for me throughout my ordeal with my husband. I learned to handle my own life and to stop trying to handle his.


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## Tobeknown (Mar 24, 2020)

"Bottom line is, alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages."

Thank you Prodigal! Very very insightful!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tobeknown said:


> I will admit I am on here for support. I am making such an incredibly hard decision and I keep second guessing if I'm "doing the wrong thing" because I'm told now that "you've never been a supportive wife, you never loved me".
> 
> Truth is I was probably an enabler without realizing it. I loved him. I wanted to help him. I gave him love and kindness and forgiveness over and over and over... But it's not enough. Love alone isn't enough to cure this.
> 
> ...


Get out now while you can, he will not change until he hits rock bottom if he ever does. You and your kids do not deserve this. is this why his first wife left?

He sounds like he is far gone. Do not give into all his promises, they are words only, if actions are not changing, he will not change. Alcoholics are like a tornado, going through your life damaging everything in its wake. the next morning the sun is out and they act like nothing ever happened and what is your problem?, But the damage is done already, this cycle will continue until he either gets help or you leave him.
I have lived this, I have done the threats, the leaving, etc.they will not change, you cannot change him either. Mine got help and is doing ok so far, though he has his moments but in that time I made me stronger. I no longer lie awake worrying (though now he is home every night), if he goes down that road again I am prepared, I refuse to live on that roller coaster again. The statistics say only around 5% ever get truly sober so don't live your life on 'hopium" Take your life back now when your kids need you.

I would suggest you check out the website SoberRecovery.com as the people there have much more experience of dealing with addicts including alcoholics. Lots of lived experiences and wisdom there for families of alcoholics.
It is easy for the spouse of an alcoholic to get sucked into hope, and believing all the promises. it is easy to become co-dependent and not realize you are enabling the alcoholic. You know you cannot do this anymore. You also need help via Al-Anon, please join the classes so you can move forward, your kids can go to Al-Ateen. This becomes a family disease. You are making the right decision to go.

Oh and record everything on your smart phone from here on out including the drunken nastiness. Play it back to him when he is sober. I used to do that. It also reminds you of what he really is like when he's drinking. When they want, they can lay on the charm, do not fall for that.

link to site Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information


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## raiseravens88 (Aug 2, 2020)

Man, I feel this stress just reading your post. My husband has actually been sober for 6 months (if you don't count marijuana). I used to think that when he was sober things would be magical again. Oh man, what a false hope. Truly. I've been in this alcohol on and off battle for over 10 years and I'm only 32. I feel like I lived through a war.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

raiseravens88 said:


> Man, I feel this stress just reading your post. My husband has actually been sober for 6 months (if you don't count marijuana). I used to think that when he was sober things would be magical again. Oh man, what a false hope. Truly. I've been in this alcohol on and off battle for over 10 years and I'm only 32. I feel like I lived through a war.


I hop you are going to Al Anon. Alcoholism is a family disease, it destroys the family members too. if you can leave, do so now while you are young.


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