# Trust before & after the EA



## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I come from a very dysfunctional family and as a result I suffered a lot of trauma and abuse. Even after 10 + years of therapy I still struggle to find a happy medium with anything. I tend to do everything in extremes. Too much or not at all. I didn't think I could ever allow myself to fully surrender and trust someone so completely the way I did with my husband. It took years and I tested that poor man more times than I can count but he hung in there and passed every time. He never complained. I went from not trusting at all to totally trusting him to the point I left myself wide open to be hurt. I've been reading the book, Not Just Friends, and it says affairs often happen because the opportunity is there. Does this mean by trusting my husband so much that I never checked up on him, I gave him the opportunity to cheat? Is there such thing as trusting someone too much? Should you check up on your spouse on a regular basis just to be sure? What is the idea amount of trust in a marriage?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Flygirl said:


> I come from a very dysfunctional family and as a result I suffered a lot of trauma and abuse. Even after 10 + years of therapy I still struggle to find a happy medium with anything. I tend to do everything in extremes. Too much or not at all. I didn't think I could ever allow myself to fully surrender and trust someone so completely the way I did with my husband. It took years and I tested that poor man more times than I can count but he hung in there and passed every time. He never complained. I went from not trusting at all to totally trusting him to the point I left myself wide open to be hurt. I've been reading the book, Not Just Friends, and it says affairs often happen because the opportunity is there. Does this mean by trusting my husband so much that I never checked up on him, I gave him the opportunity to cheat? Is there such thing as trusting someone too much? Should you check up on your spouse on a regular basis just to be sure? What is the idea amount of trust in a marriage?


He's performed an EA on you after passing all your tests?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Flygirl said:


> I come from a very dysfunctional family and as a result I suffered a lot of trauma and abuse. Even after 10 + years of therapy I still struggle to find a happy medium with anything. I tend to do everything in extremes. Too much or not at all. I didn't think I could ever allow myself to fully surrender and trust someone so completely the way I did with my husband. It took years and I tested that poor man more times than I can count but he hung in there and passed every time. He never complained. I went from not trusting at all to totally trusting him to the point I left myself wide open to be hurt. I've been reading the book, Not Just Friends, and it says affairs often happen because the opportunity is there. Does this mean by trusting my husband so much that I never checked up on him, I gave him the opportunity to cheat? Is there such thing as trusting someone too much? Should you check up on your spouse on a regular basis just to be sure? What is the idea amount of trust in a marriage?


Sometimes, what you read in a book, might not be true or might not be relevant in all situations.

May I suggest that you step away from that book? If you have no reason to suspect your husband.

Please don't find your husband guilty because of what you read in a book.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know your story from your first thread, Flygirl, so I know that your H had an EA and that you are dealing with it now.

Did you trust too much?

This is what everyone who has been betrayed asks him/herself. We go into love with trust and respect and commit to marriage with those expectations.

Given your story, I don't think you trusted too much. I think you gave your H the respect that you thought you would get back from him. He didn't do that with his co-worker. The way he left you high and dry over Thanksgiving while he went off with her certainly doesn't show respect.

So, should you have been more savvy to this type of betrayal? I don't think so. If you read threads here, you'll see that there are so many ways that someone can cheat that no healthy-minded person would want to try to be always on the alert for them in a reasonable marriage.

I think the word 'opportunity' in NJF simply speaks to the randomness of affairs. Many, many people never have any intention of having an affair, but bonds develop in insidious ways given certain opportunities. In your case, the opportunity is the close working relationship between your H and the OW (whom he should get rid of, btw). That was the opportunity to have the affair, not the fact that you trusted him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It's a wonderful blessing to be in a marriage where you can trust openly and completely. Savor it. 

Being in an intimate relationship with someone automatically opens your doors of vulnerability. It's great to be able to leave them open and live a good life with a loving spouse. 

If he's given you so many reasons to trust him over the years, you are blessed. Coming to TAM, where so many people have had their trust compromised, may get you paranoid! 

There are beautiful, loving, trustable people out there. They are few and far between. You have said you have many reasons to trust your man. He's been steady and loyal, right? So unless you are seeing red flags or imagining things, enjoy the incredible taste of purity that you have in your life. Accept it. Cherish it. Roll around in it!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Ah, alte Dame has opened my eyes. Her post showed up while I was writing mine. Damn.

Your trust has been compromised. That's not your fault, dear. 

I once told my fWW that I trusted her. When she was single and dating her latest, and I was in the midst of my crappy life, I told her well, she broke my heart but not my trust. She told me she was going to go out and LIVE, and while I couldn't blame her or stop her, I realized I loved her and didn't want her to get hurt. So the broken heart thing was real, but not like a jilted lover. 

Later, after her EA/PA, I asked her if she remembered me telling her that. She did. I told her well now you've broken my heart and my trust for real. 

So sad. You open the doors of vulnerability and your mate drives through it with a Mack truck along with her POSOM and crushes all the delicate little things that were stored inside. Takes a lot of glue to fix it, and some things you just have to throw away. 

My life is always a metaphor for something......


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

(Flygirl - I think you're experiencing why it's a good idea to keep things in one thread.)


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Flygirl said:


> I've been reading the book, Not Just Friends, and it says affairs often happen because the opportunity is there. *Does this mean by trusting my husband so much that I never checked up on him, I gave him the opportunity to cheat?*


It has nothing to do with you.
Many affairs are crimes of oportunity, with no premeditation. You only have to allow yourself to slowly drop boundaires here and there almost with no realizing it.
There's nothing you can do to prevent this on your end but to stablish what the proper boundaires are. You can watch your own boundaries becasue you are also at risk, as everyone but just that.
People don't cheat becasue their spouses have them with a short rope. If there's the will they will cheat and sometimes without that "will", just piss poor boundaires, the right frame of mind and circunstances.


> Is there such thing as trusting someone too much? Should you check up on your spouse on a regular basis just to be sure? What is the idea amount of trust in a marriage?


 You trust those you love, it's natural and perfectly right. Insight we realize that blind trust wa not such a good thing but only insight.
Your husband betrayal changed everything, you need to start a new marriage with very limited trust and hopely see it growing again. Still the mere awareness he was capable of doing this won't allow you to have blind trust again. Regainig your trust again is his task from now on. Still a limited trust it not a bad thing. I believe there's a healthy level of distrust.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> (Flygirl - I think you're experiencing why it's a good idea to keep things in one thread.)


Yes, i am. I apologize for the confusion everyone!


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I know your story from your first thread, Flygirl, so I know that your H had an EA and that you are dealing with it now.
> 
> Did you trust too much?
> 
> ...


Got ya! Makes sense. Last night my husband told me that I keep looking for reasons to blame myself for his behavior and actions and I should stop doing that because it's not my fault. It's his. I guess I am doing this. I don't know why the past two days have been so hard. I wish I could just shut my brain off for awhile.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Acabado said:


> It has nothing to do with you.
> Many affairs are crimes of oportunity, with no premeditation. You only have to allow yourself to slowly drop boundaires here and there almost with no realizing it.
> There's nothing you can do to prevent this on your end but to stablish what the proper boundaires are. You can watch your own boundaries becasue you are also at risk, as everyone but just that.
> People don't cheat becasue their spouses have them with a short rope. If there's the will they will cheat and sometimes without that "will", just piss poor boundaires, the right frame of mind and circunstances.
> ...


Do you think it's weird that he likes it when I check up on him? Before his EA I never did and I very rarely got jealous. Where as he has always been jealous. He would always say that the reason I don't get jealous is because I don't care.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Flygirl said:


> Do you think it's weird that he likes it when I check up on him? Before his EA I never did and I very rarely got jealous. Where as he has always been jealous. He would always say that the reason I don't get jealous is because I don't care.


Not necessarily. Either:

1) He's currently being good and knows you can't get dirt on him (I'd find it amusing to).

or

2) He's so good at hiding it that it's funny to him you can't.

I don't think anyone who has betrayed can, or should, be trusted ever again. 

So the next question is what does the betrayed do about it? 

You can try to trust but verify at all times, just let him/her do what they will and snoop when red flags pop up or not care and let them go. 

Either way, it's a lousy situation we betrayed are placed in.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Flygirl,

Did your H cheat?

Trust is just like love. It comes in automatically like the wind that comes inside your house, when you open the windows.

I dont know why you feel vulnerable. 

I know of very good human beings from dysfunctional families and very bad people from very good people.

Take care, you may need some counseling.

AU


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Flygirl said:


> Do you think it's weird that he likes it when I check up on him? Before his EA I never did and I very rarely got jealous. Where as he has always been jealous. He would always say that the reason I don't get jealous is because I don't care.


My wife mentioned after her affair that she thought I didn't care what she did. I never checked up on her, or questioned her, so in her mind that meant I didn't care. 

I had to call total Bu!!sh!t on that. I told her that I didn't interrogate her all the time because I had trusted her. We are a bit over a year past Dday and she is getting a taste of what it's like not to be trusted. She needs to tell me where she is going, who she is going to be with and when she will be back. If she isn't going to be home when she said, she has to call me beforehand to tell me what's changed. I monitor her communications and have a variety of operatives reporting back to me. 

Now she says she misses the freedom she had before Dday. I just told her too effing bad. That's gone, deal with it or leave.

But it proved a point to me. It wasn't the freedom that caused her to cheat. If she cheats again, I'm sure she will say it's because she was feeling controlled and was looking for an escape. The bottom line is, too much trust, too little trust or just right doesn't matter. Cheaters going to cheat.


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