# Finding herself during our separation....?



## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

This post goes more in depth of our history:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/9883-shes-not-sure-what-she-feels.html


It been about 5 months since our separation. At the beginning, she was dead set on divorce citing the fact that I was never going to change. I wasn't able to look at myself and see what I needed improvement upon. Since then, I've gone to a marriage counselor, read books and what I found most helpful, reading the forums on this site. I've come to recognize the part that I've played in the demise of our marriage. If I could go back and change this, I would in a heartbeat. Of course without the help of Doc Brown's Delorean, that can't happen, all I can do is look forward.

My wife had filed an extension to our original divorce date twice. Each time, she's said that she's seen the changes that I've made and the willingness to improve. That's been big for her. She's said that when she originally filed, she saw no hope for us, now she's not so sure. All throughout this, we've had our "Monday Nights" where once I drop off my daughter, we end up chatting. Our chats sometimes are about us, and sometimes we chat about everything but us. It's been a comfortable atmosphere and she always says that she feels better after we talk. 

Fast Forward to today.....She still says that she's not sure what she wants to have happen. She sees our marriage as "broken" and not sure if she can ever get past the pain of getting to the point where she felt we needed to separate. She's seen that I'm committed to our relationship and that I've changed my perspective on things. What she's saying now, is that she's trying to figure out what she wants in life. Since our separation, she's felt that she's been able to try new things, like skiing, going to sports games and going out for drinks. Mind you, I was never opposed to doing these things with her, but since having our child, it's been difficult. This separation has given he a certain freedom that she hasn't had before. She's also gained confidence in herself. Part of that confidence came from her being able to split. She has said that she was scared about leaving, she thought her life would be over. When that didn't happen, she grew confident. The other part that was surprising to her, was the attention that she's getting from other guys. She's told me that she's been approached by several guys who she never though had any interest in her. She's never felt herself as "attractive," although I very much did and still do. I suspect that she's dated of few of these "interests" and I know she has an attraction to one of them as of late. The guys that she seems attracted to now are not the type of guys I would have thought she'd ever consider before. She was never attracted to tattoos, or guys that drink and hang out at bars. No offense to those that do, just that it was never her "thing." Her best friend, is one that leads a very "care free" lifestyle. Once that doesn't get bogged down in long term relationships and pretty much leads her own life. My wife seems to be attracted to this type of lifestyle and I'm not sure if this is the type of lifestyle she wants or if it's one she "thinks" she wants. 
Bottom line is that she seems to be trying to find out who she is and what she wants. She's also mentioned to me that she knows that each "path," whether it be a reconciliation with me or a new relationship with someone else, will have their issues. It's deciding which path's "issues," she's willing to pursue. 
I want very much to reconcile with my wife and she knows this. She says she feels guilty that she's stringing me along but that she's just not ready to make a decision either way. What should I do? How can I help her believe that life together would everything she's said she wanted from the start? I want to prove to her that giving us a second chance is worth the risk. Even if it were to not work out, I feel we'd both be a place where we could say that "we tried and we gave it our best shot."


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## hawk79 (Jan 21, 2010)

hi there,im in tha same sitiuation my wife of 17 yrs moved out 6 weeks ago after desiding marriage to me is not what she wants anymore,since she has gone she has become very distant towards me and our 2 girls and has told them she isnt wearing rings and wants a divorse and will probably start dating soon,my girls are very angry at her and dont like going to her place,it took her 5 weeks to moove and while she was still here she was very friendly towards me and seemed very confused,i still love my wife very much and would jump at a chance to reconcile.ive had trust issues and have been controling in the past do to my insercurities as a person but ive always put my family and her first all of the time and have done just about all of the family duties a wife and family could ever ask for and my girls adore me for being a great dad and tell me all the time,ive taken the aproach of leaving her alone,no text,phone calls,emails just been very cival and not mention us at all just general chat here and there when exchanging kids and have some how found time to look at myself and find happienest for me but deep down i love her and cant manige to think of live without her. very confused and dont know that to do in this next stage......


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## Nice Guys Finish Last (Jan 4, 2010)

wow, we're in the same boat almost.....except mine is not hanging out with dudes or going out much. i wish you the best brother. 
I felt strung along, but really i have to look at this situation as time to figure ourselves out and be positive given the situation. i'll trust in god and will make the effort to be positive to make this work...if it doesnt after that, then thats that i guess.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The only thing you can do is continue to work on yourself and be the best person you can. That goes for anyone in this boat. There is nothing you can do to "make" the other person come back--you can only show them who you are, and they may choose you, again, and recommit to the marriage. It's hard to wait, and you may reach the point where you decide you don't want to wait anymore--that is the risk your wife is taking. Unless she's a fool, she already knows that. You do not have to wait around for her to make up her mind; you can walk away, too. But if you do, don't do it in an attempt to force her to make up her mind; do it b/c you have decided YOU are done with the marriage. Any game or trick you play to try to force her to decide on your timetable can backfire quite easily. Just be yourself, live your life, let her alone, and see where things end up. Good luck and God bless.


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

So confusing! Last night I dropped off my daughter at 8PM as part of our visitation agreement. Now, for the time we've been separated, I've usually used Monday nights for my wife and I to talk. Here's how it goes, I drop off my daughter to her place at 8PM, we chat about all sorts of things while we put my daughter to bed. After she goes to bed, we talk more and eventually the talk leads to our situation and where we're at. All along she's been saying "She's not sure what she feels." "She's not sure what she wants." "She feels our marriage is broken and maybe can never be fixed" yada yada. I've since told her that I'm committed to us and I want to do whatever it takes to make this work. Last week, we had an impromptu chat where she said she was feeling guilty about stringing me along because she's still not sure if things will work out. I told her that yes, I feel like we're in limbo, but that I didn't feel strung along because she's been honest with me about what she's feeling up to this point. That it's my decision to continue to be here and try to work things out. Yes, I know things may never work out, but I'm willing to put forth the effort anyway. At least if it ends, I'll be able to say I tried everything I could to save us and have no regrets! She acknowledged this and said she's not sure she'd be able to do the same in my shoes. I know I'm taking a gamble, but I'm hoping she'll see that I truly do love her and prove to her my commitment to us. 
Ok, so last night, I tried a bit different approach. I didn't bring us up at all. I kept the mood light, I joked around and asked her questions about what was going on at her job. She seemed to enjoy our chat but one can never know. I left a bit earlier than I normally do. I gave her a kiss before leaving which she returned. I left feeling ho hum about it. In part because I'm getting to the point of not feeling fully invested in things. I'm beginning to reach the point where I'm ready to go either way. Either she's going to be willing to work on this or it's going to need to end. She's filed two divorce extensions and I cannot go through a third. 
Funny thing is that today, she called me a few times. The first two times I didn't bother to pick up. Not entirely sure why, just that I didn't want to talk to her. The third time I picked up and she tells me that she just called to say "Hi" and that she wanted to tell me a funny story about something my daughter had done. I laughed and was very nice to her. In my mind, I'm asking myself, what was that all about. She does this periodically, calling me to either tell me a funny story about something that happened or she'll call while I have my daughter and say that she's calling to say "Hi" to my daughter because she said that she told my daughter she would. I just find it very strange and I have no idea how to interpret it. Should I take this at face value, or is there a hidden meaning somewhere?


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