# Hello, I'm 'losther's wife



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Hello, I thought I should introduce myself. My husband is 'losther' which is an appropriate name, because it's the truth. It's really weird having your personal life told online for people to comment on, but oddly enough I found it comforting. I had this fear that I may not be doing the right thing, it's good to see that I am.

It's amazing to me that complete strangers have my back on here. People I've never met. I want to thank you. 

I know at some point he will get back on here and will not be pleased with what I have done. Crashed his online pity party or whatever it was he was trying to accomplish. I cannot take the mental abuse anymore. I am done with this, I hope he accepts this fact soon.

Once again thank you for your help, very unexpected surprise.
Aislin


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Now THIS is very interesting...

It sounds like finding your husband's thread has given you some additional clarity in your situation. That's good for you...


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Yes it has. I was pretty clear that I wanted out, but this makes me feel better, lol.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Marriage counseling ASAP

It's easy to just quit and say I'm done, but VERY hard to both put your heads together and work things out.

That's what makes strong marriages.

I think if your husband has even an ounce of sorrow for his actions and recognizes his bad behavior (which he clearly seems to have in his thread)....he deserves a chance.

Give him one more...but ONLY one! It won't happen overnight though....it will take work and compromise on both of your parts.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Hello, I thought I should introduce myself. My husband is 'losther' which is an appropriate name, because it's the truth. It's really weird having your personal life told online for people to comment on, but oddly enough I found it comforting. I had this fear that I may not be doing the right thing, it's good to see that I am.
> 
> It's amazing to me that complete strangers have my back on here. People I've never met. I want to thank you.
> 
> ...


I am certainly glad you are here. 

My ex (Note: I said "ex") was alot like your husband. Very jealous and controlling. My life was like walking on eggshells, trying hard to convince him that I was faithful, loving, supportive etc. Until he cheated. Twice. Which gave me the strength and ammunition to divorce him. Ironic that I remained faithful to him for 29 years, and it was he, whose ego lead him to believe that he wasn't good enough for me, who ended up seeking confirmation elsewhere.

In reading your husbands version of events, I can clearly see that, while it is possible that he may get his anger in check for a period of time, he doesn't see that it is entirely his problem (not yours) to accept you as an individual with all of your virtues and faults. He is not willing to lose you as he sees you as a possession and not a person.

Maybe time apart will change this dynamic. Maybe not. But I do wish you well and (again) am glad to see you here.


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

DoF said:


> Marriage counseling ASAP
> 
> It's easy to just quit and say I'm done, but VERY hard to both put your heads together and work things out.
> 
> ...


I did give him his last chance. I have no more left in me. It's over. We went to counseling once, he ended up storming out. I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore, he's had over 16 years of "one more chance."


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

aislin'sdone said:


> I did give him his last chance. I have no more left in me. It's over. We went to counseling once, he ended up storming out. I'm sorry, I can't do it anymore, he's had over 16 years of "one more chance."


Understandable, can't blame you and by all means take whatever steps necessary at this time.

Just wanted to confirm, but sounds like he had plenty of chances AND some.

Good luck


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> I am certainly glad you are here.
> 
> My ex (Note: I said "ex") was alot like your husband. Very jealous and controlling. My life was like walking on eggshells, trying hard to convince him that I was faithful, loving, supportive etc. Until he cheated. Twice. Which gave me the strength and ammunition to divorce him. Ironic that I remained faithful to him for 29 years, and it was he, whose ego lead him to believe that he wasn't good enough for me, who ended up seeking confirmation elsewhere.
> 
> ...


Awe, thank you. I'm sorry about your marriage. Are you doing okay? Let me ask you, after it was over, did you feel you could breathe again?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have been where you are! Not just once, but TWICE. I never, ever looked back, and have never had a day's regret that I got the hell out. Not for a moment. He is having a pity party, and he gets no pity from me, thats for sure. You will have to shut him down, because if you try to be nice about all of this, he is going to think that it means that he has a chance. He will take everything as an "in". You will do him a bigger favor by going dark on him than to try and hold his hand through all of this. (not that you are) 

I put up with being treated like dirt for way too long, and that day that it hit me I was DONE, it was like the skies parted.


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

DoF said:


> Understandable, can't blame you and by all means take whatever steps necessary at this time.
> 
> Just wanted to confirm, but sounds like he had plenty of chances AND some.
> 
> Good luck


Thank you. It took me a very long time to be sure of this.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I read through that thread and I don't think he gets it at all.

Be careful, controlling people _can _get dangerous when you are leaving. Do you have family that can help?


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

aislin'sdone said:


> Awe, thank you. I'm sorry about your marriage. Are you doing okay? Let me ask you, after it was over, did you feel you could breathe again?


In time (it will take a while) you will feel SO much better. So just take it easy on yourself and heal.

it can be good 6 months/year before you are completely healed (could be much shorter since it seems you already started the healing process).

I would highly recommend to not date anyone during this time. PLENTY of physical activity (especially on days where you really feel bad....which is a given). This will hurt, and it will probably hurt for a while (all normal). 

Make sure you are completely divorced/healed and ready. Don't jump/rush into anything new for a while.

And this will also show your future special someone that you are smart.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hmmm!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

stick a fork in it!!!! sounds like its overdone or burnt to a crisp!


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have been where you are! Not just once, but TWICE. I never, ever looked back, and have never had a day's regret that I got the hell out. Not for a moment. He is having a pity party, and he gets no pity from me, thats for sure. You will have to shut him down, because if you try to be nice about all of this, he is going to think that it means that he has a chance. He will take everything as an "in". You will do him a bigger favor by going dark on him than to try and hold his hand through all of this. (not that you are)
> 
> I put up with being treated like dirt for way too long, and that day that it hit me I was DONE, it was like the skies parted.


Exactly! The sky's parted! Yes, he has called me those names before, so of course he expected me to get over it like usual. One of my assignments in counseling is to keep a journal and freely write what I'm feeling or anything else that comes to mind. I hid this journal in the bottom of an old desk we never use. He found it that night I was out. He read it and threw the things I has wrote in my face. That's mainly the reason for name calling. I knew then, I had to be done. He is not interested in my well being...at all.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

aislin'sdone said:


> Thank you. It took me a very long time to be sure of this.


I applaud you for giving it so many chances and so much time. Most wouldn't put up with it this long. Clearly you were very serious about this relationship.


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

DoF said:


> In time (it will take a while) you will feel SO much better. So just take it easy on yourself and heal.
> 
> it can be good 6 months/year before you are completely healed (could be much shorter since it seems you already started the healing process).
> 
> ...


Oh I have no interest in dating, as a matter of fact, that scares the crap outta me! To be able to breathe, not have to spend hrs explaining why I am 20 min getting home from work. What strange number is on my phone, who I talked to at the store, ect.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Awe, thank you. I'm sorry about your marriage. Are you doing okay? Let me ask you, after it was over, did you feel you could breathe again?



YES!!!!! I feel liberated!!! 

I can breath again. I can make decisions without having to second guess myself or worry what he would think. I am happy now and free. I have no regrets.

There were several times during the separation period where he could have owned what he did to me and the marriage and fixed it, but he was too narcissist ("it's all about ME") to be able to empathize and understand what was happening. A sincere and heartfelt apology would have helped, but he was not capable of doing that or even understanding the damage he had caused to me and the marriage. He fought me through the whole process - and I won in the divorce settlement. (He was shocked...lol)

Anyway, life is good now. It was worth it to me to leave. I can be "me" again.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Oh I have no interest in dating, as a matter of fact, that scares the crap outta me! To be able to breathe, not have to spend hrs explaining why I am 20 min getting home from work. What strange number is on my phone, who I talked to at the store, ect.


Its a WHOLE new world, believe me!


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, I would also recommend going back and figuring out yourself a bit. Clearly there is a lot to be learned from this entire situation.

What went wrong, how it went wrong and how did you allow yourself into this sort of relationship and let it go on for so long.

Remember, takes 2 to tango. Even though your husband clearly did a lot of things wrong, you do have to look in the mirror and accept that you enabled him to do this to you for many years.

You might even want to consider therapy. This will all help you better yourself and prevent it from ever happening again.

:smthumbup:


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

DoF said:


> OP, I would also recommend going back and figuring out yourself a bit. Clearly there is a lot to be learned from this entire situation.
> 
> What went wrong, how it went wrong and how did you allow yourself into this sort of relationship and let it go on for so long.
> 
> ...


Since I was in her shoes, let me offer some insight into what I did wrong.

I folded. His temper scared and intimidated me, so I folded. I shut down. For the sake of harmony and peace, I did not confront him. I remained silent. I held my tongue. When I needed to discuss things with him, I rehearsed the conversation in my brain first, in anticipation of his arguments. I went along with his decisions because they were his. As a result and in hindsight, he never really knew me (which incidentally was an advantage for me in the divorce process).

He never "got" my sense of humor because he would "shoot first and ask questions later". I'd say something funny and he thought I was serious. I would explain it to him later, but he would never apologize for his mistake.

I'm not trying to hijack the thread here, but I do see so much of my past in this story that I hope my experience will help the OP see some of the similarities and gain a better understanding of what may be in store for her later in the process.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Glad that you shared above, this will certainly help OP for sure!


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> YES!!!!! I feel liberated!!!
> 
> I can breath again. I can make decisions without having to second guess myself or worry what he would think. I am happy now and free. I have no regrets.
> 
> ...


That's good to know, and I too, am tired of watching everything I say, for fear he will twist it into something it's not. So, I quit talking about really anything. Not sure how the whole divorce thing will play out, but at this point I'm just tired of living in limbo.


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

DoF said:


> OP, I would also recommend going back and figuring out yourself a bit. Clearly there is a lot to be learned from this entire situation.
> 
> What went wrong, how it went wrong and how did you allow yourself into this sort of relationship and let it go on for so long.
> 
> ...


 I am in therapy, over a year and a half now. I do see how I enabled his behavior. Like surviorwife said, I was intimidated by him. I went along with everything for the sake of peace. I didn't want my daughter growing up with 2 parents constantly fighting. Every action I took all these yrs I thought I was doing to protect my baby, but it was also to protect myself. I'm just getting too tired anymore. I've noticed that since turning 40, I've gotten stronger, and I am no longer willing to put up with this. I've also noticed that I don't care about what people think of me or my failed marriage anymore.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> Marriage counseling ASAP
> 
> It's easy to just quit and say I'm done, but VERY hard to both put your heads together and work things out.
> 
> ...


OP, I don't agree with this post. His sorrow is for his own grief and loss of his ownership of you. He is sick in the head.


.... Sorry. I should have read the rest of the thread. My bad.


----------



## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

Make sure to keep yourself safe as well. I read a few things on his thread that made me go "wth" and "thats kind of scary" like he thinks he can make you stay :/. Other posters noticed it too.


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

TurtleRun said:


> Make sure to keep yourself safe as well. I read a few things on his thread that made me go "wth" and "thats kind of scary" like he thinks he can make you stay :/. Other posters noticed it too.


He always says that he will not let me go, that he will always be everywhere I go. He hasn't found out about this yet. Not sure if he gets wifi where he is at today, I'm assuming not since he's not responded yet. He has called me several times, everything is normal so far. Not really sure what his reaction is going to be. He's not going to hurt me, he's not the type of person that can handle jail, and he knows I will put him there.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TurtleRun said:


> Make sure to keep yourself safe as well. I read a few things on his thread that made me go "wth" and "thats kind of scary" like he thinks he can make you stay :/. Other posters noticed it too.


Yah. I would contact the local battered women's shelter for safe leaving advice.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

aislin'sdone said:


> \ He's not going to hurt me, he's not the type of person that can handle jail, and he knows I will put him there.


Is he able to stay in control enough to always think about the consequences of his actions though? 

I think it's best to have someone there with you when you are leaving. Have as much stuff ready as possible (important paperwork, money) and then do a quick move with a friend or family member present. There's no downside to being careful.


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

Thank you for your concerns. Fortunately, my sister lives next door, and my mom and dad just down the street. I don't want to be the one leaving, I'm afraid I will lose the house. When we agreed to split, I said I wanted the house. He agreed. I don't want to uproot our D. She is going to be going through enough. Months ago he FINALLY said he would find somewhere to live...so he looked into the house for rent...about 4 doors down. guess they chose someone else to rent to, because they just moved in last weekend.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

DoF said:


> Marriage counseling ASAP
> 
> It's easy to just quit and say I'm done, but VERY hard to both put your heads together and work things out.
> 
> ...


I believe he has had many chances! She is DONE, nothing will change it, now. Its way to late.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

aislin'sdone said:


> I am in therapy, over a year and a half now. I do see how I enabled his behavior. Like surviorwife said, I was intimidated by him. I went along with everything for the sake of peace. I didn't want my daughter growing up with 2 parents constantly fighting. Every action I took all these yrs I thought I was doing to protect my baby, but it was also to protect myself. I'm just getting too tired anymore. I've noticed that since turning 40, I've gotten stronger, and I am no longer willing to put up with this. I've also noticed that I don't care about what people think of me or my failed marriage anymore.


Smart

Not just for "failed marriage" but when it comes to ANYTHING.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ladybird said:


> I believe he has had many chances! She is DONE, nothing will change it, now. Its way to late.


Yep, OP already answered (just wanted to confirm)

This one is a wrap


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

aislin'sdone said:


> Thank you for your concerns. Fortunately, my sister lives next door, and my mom and dad just down the street. I don't want to be the one leaving, I'm afraid I will lose the house. When we agreed to split, I said I wanted the house. He agreed. I don't want to uproot our D. She is going to be going through enough. Months ago he FINALLY said he would find somewhere to live...so he looked into the house for rent...about 4 doors down. guess they chose someone else to rent to, because they just moved in last weekend.



See a lawyer. Yesterday.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Thank you for your concerns. Fortunately, my sister lives next door, and my mom and dad just down the street. I don't want to be the one leaving, I'm afraid I will lose the house. When we agreed to split, I said I wanted the house. He agreed. I don't want to uproot our D. She is going to be going through enough. Months ago he FINALLY said he would find somewhere to live...so he looked into the house for rent...about 4 doors down. *guess they chose someone else to rent to, because they just moved in last weekend.*


Thank God, can you imagine???


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Yah. I would contact the local battered women's shelter for safe leaving advice.


Better yet, conceal and carry.


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Aislin's Done:Very smart decision to divorce.I don't see him changing for the long term.Some of his comments got me nervous for you,like the one "I won't let her go....ever.That to me sounds like those guys who tell their wives or girlfriends if I can't have you no one will have you.You have put up with too much crap for too long and it doesn't look like it would ever end.It is good you have family around for support and to help you out.Stay safe and even though you said he won't do good in jail drunken people don't even think about jail when they are doing something wrong.Take care and the best of luck to you and your daughter.


----------



## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

He may have come here for a pity party but what I think he got was a blanket party instead.Surprise!


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Hmmm!



Uh oh! Really? You should know!


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Uh oh! Really? You should know!


Ya think?


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Thank you for your concerns. Fortunately, my sister lives next door, and my mom and dad just down the street.* I don't want to be the one leaving, I'm afraid I will lose the house.* When we agreed to split, I said I wanted the house. He agreed. I don't want to uproot our D. She is going to be going through enough. Months ago he FINALLY said he would find somewhere to live...so he looked into the house for rent...about 4 doors down. guess they chose someone else to rent to, because they just moved in last weekend.


Just as an FYI, you will not "lose" the house. Assuming it is titled jointly, you are entitled to half the equity. That will not change.

As for your leaving, most states recognize a term called "constructive abandonment" which means that you left with good reason and not for the sole purpose of forfeiting your rights to the home. For example, if you are an abused person, you have a legal right to leave and that action can't be held against you. It's quite possible that you could "leave" and then allow the court to grant you the right to live there with your child until she reaches the age of majority, then sell the house and split the proceeds with your spouse.

I'm telling you this so that you are aware of your options.....just in case.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Ya think?


What am I missing...? :scratchhead:


----------



## aislin'sdone (Apr 30, 2014)

survivorwife said:


> Just as an FYI, you will not "lose" the house. Assuming it is titled jointly, you are entitled to half the equity. That will not change.
> 
> As for your leaving, most states recognize a term called "constructive abandonment" which means that you left with good reason and not for the sole purpose of forfeiting your rights to the home. For example, if you are an abused person, you have a legal right to leave and that action can't be held against you. It's quite possible that you could "leave" and then allow the court to grant you the right to live there with your child until she reaches the age of majority, then sell the house and split the proceeds with your spouse.
> 
> I'm telling you this so that you are aware of your options.....just in case.


Oh, thanks. A friend told me to not leave the house for the fear that it will be some kind of abandonment thing.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> What am I missing...?


A healthy dose of skepticism.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I haven't caught or read any of your H's threads/posts but from your words on this thread.... sounds you are surely doing the RIGHT THING for you..... others tackled him and called him out too.. :thumbup:

Great to hear the other side to a story, it is good you shared, how often we wonder... how honest someone is being or what they are leaving out... Wishing you all the best for your new life ahead aislin'sdone...sounds a long time in coming...


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

aislin'sdone said:


> Oh, thanks. A friend told me to not leave the house for the fear that it will be some kind of abandonment thing.


I left the family home due to "extreme emotional abuse" and because my ex refused to leave - so I was forced to as you cannot start divorce proceeding while residing in the same home in my State. 

My Ex tried to say that I "abandoned" him and wanted me to pay him alimony (fat chance...lol). Anyway, he had to pay me 1/2 the equity in order to keep the house (I no longer wanted it - my kids are grown). If I wanted to keep it, I would have had to pay HIM 1/2 the equity. But I did not abandon my "interest" in the marital home.


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

aislin'sdone said:


> Oh, thanks. A friend told me to not leave the house for the fear that it will be some kind of abandonment thing.


When it comes to legal issues, please do NOT heed the direction well-meaning friends, UNLESS they are skilled in the area of law that you're dealing with. For example, I noticed that someone on this thread mentioned something about "constructive abandonment" and what they described is NOT what constructive abandonment is. 

The best way to find out about your rights is to ask an attorney; one who is skilled in divorce issues, such as custody, divorce, real estate, settlements, taxes, estate planning, etc. 
Laws vary from state to state, so even seeking or receiving well intended advice on a forum such as TAM isn't such a good idea since MOST of us aren't attorneys, and MOST of us probably don't even live in the same state as you. 

Whatever course of action you decide on, please protect yourself and your child. Find out what your rights are. In a situation such as yours, knowledge really IS power!

Vega


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Dear OP, 

First get legal advice. Do it.You won't know whats what unless and until you do.

Second, I advise you to get off this board. You do not want to get sucked into any conversations that might have legal or emotional consequences.

Good lukc!


----------



## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> Hmmm!


Truth *IS* stranger than fiction... either way it is an interesting thread...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

aislin'sdone said:


> I am in therapy, over a year and a half now. I do see how I enabled his behavior. Like surviorwife said, I was intimidated by him. I went along with everything for the sake of peace. I didn't want my daughter growing up with 2 parents constantly fighting. Every action I took all these yrs I thought I was doing to protect my baby, but it was also to protect myself. I'm just getting too tired anymore. I've noticed that since turning 40, I've gotten stronger, and I am no longer willing to put up with this. I've also noticed that I don't care about what people think of me or my failed marriage anymore.


Codependency No More would be a great book for you. 

I've walked similar shoes... All the best to you!


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

101Abn said:


> Aislin's Done:Very smart decision to divorce.I don't see him changing for the long term.Some of his comments got me nervous for you,like the one "I won't let her go....ever.That to me sounds like those guys who tell their wives or girlfriends if I can't have you no one will have you.


I didn't read it that way at all. It just means a man who refuses to give up on his marriage. We can always read sinister intents into any post when we want to. 

I thought "losther" sounded very sincere to me. If you look at that thread as a whole, over and over, the guy pulls no punches in saying what he did was wrong. 

However, I can understand if "aislin'sdone" is skeptical and has no more second chances left in her system. She knows her husband better than we do.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)




----------

