# Really struggling today



## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Today marks a full week since the wife left. I had a good day yesterday. I went in the city and took some photos. It was the first time I was able to go 5 minutes without thinking about it. I had a dream last night about her, and now this morning, I am having a setback. I'm just too human, I think. I haven't been alone for 21 years. I just am so lost when it comes to figuring that one out. Anyway, I'm just feeling extremely lonely and sad today. I hope everyone in my shoes is hanging in there.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lost_without_her said:


> Today marks a full week since the wife left. I had a good day yesterday. I went in the city and took some photos. It was the first time I was able to go 5 minutes without thinking about it. I had a dream last night about her, and now this morning, I am having a setback. I'm just too human, I think. I haven't been alone for 21 years. I just am so lost when it comes to figuring that one out. Anyway, I'm just feeling extremely lonely and sad today. I hope everyone in my shoes is hanging in there.


Are you journaling at all?

Just writing out your feelings, until you can get into counseling, may provide some relief.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Stay tough, brother. Your life has changed, adjusting will take time.

What diversions, distractions do you have? Something to focus on. Are you with a gym? A social group? A hobby that you can throw yourself into?

If not, get one. You'll need to spend that energy somewhere, or it'll just build up.

And DON'T reach out to her. As discussed, LEAVE HER ALONE! 

You've got this!


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

jld said:


> Are you journaling at all?
> 
> Just writing out your feelings, until you can get into counseling, may provide some relief.


I have been. I actually discovered yesterday that is was pretty relieving to make an anger ID map to pinpoint events that led to my problems. I will try again today, maybe it will help. Just such a sinking feeling today. Thanks for your suggestion, it's much appreciated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lost_without_her said:


> I have been. I actually discovered yesterday that is was pretty relieving to make an anger ID map to pinpoint events that led to my problems. I will try again today, maybe it will help. Just such a sinking feeling today. Thanks for your suggestion, it's much appreciated.


You are grieving. It is normal to have that "sinking" feeling.

Have you looked around that Ultimate Husband website? You might find some comfort and inspiration there.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

DayOne said:


> Stay tough, brother. Your life has changed, adjusting will take time.
> 
> What diversions, distractions do you have? Something to focus on. Are you with a gym? A social group? A hobby that you can throw yourself into?
> 
> ...


Well, the sad part is I have a lot of distractions. I'm a photographer, I make music, and I do go to the gym. I'm working on the social scene, but I'm new to the city and don't know anyone. Pretty much all alone out here. I have dogs, a parrot, work, self improvement exercises, anger mgmt. exercises, There's a lot to keep me distracted, but I have been doing all of these things non-stop since I was able to make myself get up and do things, even though I really wasn't interested. Nothing seems fulfilling without the one you love to share it with. Today, I just can't find any motivation to do any of those things. I've kind of worn it out, you might say. I wish I could kick this.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

jld said:


> You are grieving. It is normal to have that "sinking" feeling.
> 
> Have you looked around that Ultimate Husband website? You might find some comfort and inspiration there.


I haven't. I will check that out today. I've seen it mentioned a few times. I should have went there years ago apparently. Thanks again.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lost_without_her said:


> Well, the sad part is I have a lot of distractions. I'm a photographer, I make music, and I do go to the gym. I'm working on the social scene, but I'm new to the city and don't know anyone. Pretty much all alone out here. I have dogs, *a parrot,* work, self improvement exercises, anger mgmt. exercises, There's a lot to keep me distracted, but I have been doing all of these things non-stop since I was able to make myself get up and do things, even though I really wasn't interested. Nothing seems fulfilling without the one you love to share it with. Today, I just can't find any motivation to do any of those things. I've kind of worn it out, you might say. I wish I could kick this.


The parrot is the answer...it is.

Teach him these phrases:

"Hi Handsome"

"Get laid today?"

"I love you"


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## RooksGambit (Apr 30, 2017)

One thing that helped me was the meetup website. It might take a bit of searching to find a group that you're interested in and is active but it's worth the effort. Everyone I've met has been very welcoming and friendly and it's keeping me out of the house and active 4 days a week, which is a blessing.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

lost_without_her said:


> Today marks a full week since the wife left. I had a good day yesterday. I went in the city and took some photos. It was the first time I was able to go 5 minutes without thinking about it. I had a dream last night about her, and now this morning, I am having a setback. I'm just too human, I think. I haven't been alone for 21 years. I just am so lost when it comes to figuring that one out. Anyway, I'm just feeling extremely lonely and sad today. I hope everyone in my shoes is hanging in there.


Hang in there it is tough we all understand, I have been on this journey for about 6 months and still currently living together which is not good as it prolongs the pain.

All you can do and I know its easier said than done because I am there with you but just focus on yourself, new hobbies, interests, keep busy, work on why you had anger issues and just make yourself into a happier better person over time.

I was only married for 12 and a half years so not as long as you but I understand the loneliness and feeling lost since my entire adult life has involved my W and now she is no longer apart of it, you will continue to have set backs but they do come less often and finish faster as time goes on. 

I was consumed with thinking about nothing but the situation and like you also had the dreams i think it is just because that was your normal and it is missing and like someone told me on here you will find a new normal and gradually get over it.

Not sure of all your story and everything that has happened but you never know what is going to happen in the future and if this is for sure the end of your relationship or if acknowledge and fix your issues there may be another chance for you in time and if not you wont have this same issue again in future relationships.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

lost_without_her said:


> Well, the sad part is I have a lot of distractions. I'm a photographer, I make music, and I do go to the gym. I'm working on the social scene, but I'm new to the city and don't know anyone. Pretty much all alone out here. I have dogs, a parrot, work, self improvement exercises, anger mgmt. exercises, There's a lot to keep me distracted, but I have been doing all of these things non-stop since I was able to make myself get up and do things, even though I really wasn't interested. Nothing seems fulfilling without the one you love to share it with. Today, I just can't find any motivation to do any of those things. I've kind of worn it out, you might say. I wish I could kick this.


What you're experiencing is completely normal and it just takes time to get through it. Keep doing what you are doing, even if it feels like you are just going through the motions because it really is therapeutic to be active.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

lost_without_her said:


> Well, the sad part is I have a lot of distractions. I'm a photographer, I make music, and I do go to the gym. I'm working on the social scene, but I'm new to the city and don't know anyone. Pretty much all alone out here. I have dogs, a parrot, work, self improvement exercises, anger mgmt. exercises, There's a lot to keep me distracted, but I have been doing all of these things non-stop since I was able to make myself get up and do things, even though I really wasn't interested. *Nothing seems fulfilling without the one you love to share it with*. Today, I just can't find any motivation to do any of those things. I've kind of worn it out, you might say. I wish I could kick this.


You may be depressed i think it is called Situational depression it is what my IC mentioned as I lost motivation for everything and could not sleep or think clearly as my head felt like it was trapped in a fog all the time.

*Nothing seems fulfilling without the one you love to share it with* i hear you on this, even recently I have still missed the W i thought i had and wanted to share my day or thoughts with her or reach out to feel loved again but no go. I can only I hope your pain subsides because I know how bad it makes you feel.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> The parrot is the answer...it is.
> 
> Teach him these phrases:
> 
> ...


I can't win for losing. My parrot sounds like my wife when he talks. His particular breed like's to latch on to one person, (me) and then they tend to mimic the voice of the person closest to that one person. (the wife) smh.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> Hang in there it is tough we all understand, I have been on this journey for about 6 months and still currently living together which is not good as it prolongs the pain.
> 
> All you can do and I know its easier said than done because I am there with you but just focus on yourself, new hobbies, interests, keep busy, work on why you had anger issues and just make yourself into a happier better person over time.
> 
> ...


My post was a little misleading. We were married for 6 years and together for 11. Unfortunately, this is the second marriage that I've managed to lose. You'd think I'd be more prepared for this, but I'm just not. I was married to the first wife for 5 years, and we were together for 10. I really appreciate your encouragement, it helps. Staying positive and not getting consumed is definitely a challenge. I definitely do hold on to hope that she might consider coming back. I always will, but every instinct I have is telling me she never will. I'm really trying to proceed as such My story is in another post down the way. It's primarily my fault that I'm in this boat. I think I have killed my chances, or at least made them very, very low. I do know that the answer is to fix my issues and focus on that, thanks to all the great support from people here. That's the answer if she comes back or not. 

On a more recent note, I had to let her know I was depositing some money for bills in our joint account earlier. It was brief, and at the end I told her I hoped she was doing ok. She told me she hoped the same for me, and that was really the first semi-normal interaction we have had since this all happened. It was nice that she was a little receptive. Maybe we'll be able to grow on that and at least start getting some clarification and closure soon. Thanks for the words.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> You may be depressed i think it is called Situational depression it is what my IC mentioned as I lost motivation for everything and could not sleep or think clearly as my head felt like it was trapped in a fog all the time.
> 
> *Nothing seems fulfilling without the one you love to share it with* i hear you on this, even recently I have still missed the W i thought i had and wanted to share my day or thoughts with her or reach out to feel loved again but no go. I can only I hope your pain subsides because I know how bad it makes you feel.


I believe you're probably right. I'm definitely depressed, although I don't feel like I'm in a fog so much at this point. The first marriage I lost, we had a child together. That one wasn't so much my fault, but did definitely contribute to my anger issues to this day, mostly surrounding our son. She was never really good to me, so I wasn't so much hung up on her as I was being separated from him. I never truly felt I could be happy with her. This one is different. I do love her deeply. Mostly, I'm just so full of regret, though I know I can't take it back. I have to get over it, but the struggle is pretty immense. All of your words are helping me very much and are greatly appreciated.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

lost_without_her said:


> I believe you're probably right. I'm definitely depressed, although I don't feel like I'm in a fog so much at this point. The first marriage I lost, we had a child together. That one wasn't so much my fault, but did definitely contribute to my anger issues to this day, mostly surrounding our son. She was never really good to me, so I wasn't so much hung up on her as I was being separated from him. I never truly felt I could be happy with her. This one is different. I do love her deeply. Mostly, I'm just so full of regret, though I know I can't take it back. I have to get over it, but the struggle is pretty immense. All of your words are helping me very much and are greatly appreciated.


We all need encouragement and support, I often update on here or PM people just to talk to someone and to try and pick myself back up.

It is hard with the Children I have 2 and they do not know the plan is to tell them tomorrow so that i going to be tough and has been really upsetting me recently. 

I loved my W deeply and have regrets on some things i could have done better but trying to learn to let go and accept it was not all my fault I did the best with what I had at the time and she was not blameless either as I am sure your W is not.

PM me anytime if you want to vent or talk, I have had some very supportive people on here and I am so appreciative of the support they have provided it has helped tremendously and they continue to check in and pick me back up or set me straight so dont do this alone, reach out whenever you need.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

MovingForward said:


> We all need encouragement and support, I often update on here or PM people just to talk to someone and to try and pick myself back up.
> 
> It is hard with the Children I have 2 and they do not know the plan is to tell them tomorrow so that i going to be tough and has been really upsetting me recently.
> 
> ...


It has definitely helped me a great deal to post here and just share my honest thoughts. I think I'd probably be in a hospital somewhere right now if not for the objective support from outsiders looking in. 

I'm really so sorry to hear that you're going through it. It sounds like tomorrow will be a challenging day for all involved. I hope that it will go as well as possible for all of you. I'd like to say I feel my situation is a little easier. We don't have any children together. However, she is very close to my son from a previous marriage though, and it's taking a toll on him to some degree. (He took it much better than I expected.) I hope you will have the same results in that arena. 

I am starting to come to terms more with the fact that it takes two. I had an anger mgmt exercise today. I had to write a letter to her that I throw away after I write it, deleting the anger with it. She never gets to see it. I've told myself I can't be angry at her that she left. It was really was primarily my fault that she left and took me up on my irrational, emotional response to tell her to never come back. That being said, it's humanly impossible not to have some anger when someone leaves you, even if you pushed them away. Just a basic human response. I'm really more mad at myself, but the exercise gave me a lot of perspective to see that there were a lot of opportunities for both of us along the way to give ourselves a much better chance to succeed. It also gave me a way to deal with my anger constructively. 

I stood by her through the worst times of her life. Both of her parents died from cancer within a year of each other. She had issues with her previous marriage. Her grandfather died of cancer, and then her grandmother. I stood by her through some pretty bad times when she had problems with drinking. They say alcoholism is a disease of sorts. I feel like my anger problems were a disease much the same. I just wish so bad that she could stand by me to help me fight my disease, and that pretty much sums up my anger. I did let it go with the letter though, and it was very therapeutic for me. I recommend it. 

Thanks so much for your words of support. I may take you up on that PM sometime. Everyone here has been very supportive, and I'm very grateful to have all the advice.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Hello LWH,

I am sorry for the predicament you are in. Making it through the death of a marriage where betrayal is involved is one of the worse things a person can face. Infidelity is very tough for those who DO have a support network, and I imagine it's unbearable for those who don't have people to support them. I'm almost one year into it [for the second time (same spouse)], and my friends, family, colleagues, and church have been a huge source of comfort, love, and support. I don't talk to most of them about my issues, but just having them around and knowing that they are sympathetic helps. They have helped me to count my blessings, and that source of gratitude has given me a very healthy perspective. Nine months into D-day and two months since the divorce finalized, I am now stronger and happier because of it.

This may be a challenge, but you really need to reach out to family and friends for support. If you are a person of faith find a church and become a part of that community. Prayers and fellowship are the best medicine. Also, I strongly recommend that you find a "Divorce Care" group at a nearby church. Even if you are not a member of the church and are not religious the group will provide great emotional support and instruction as you go through ordeal. Meeting with people who are experiencing the same pain and being able to sort it out with the team of facilitators can be healing. 

Remember that you must allow yourself to go through the grieving process. There are many emotions to process--anger, sadness, despair, resentment, pain--and there are no short cuts. You must let yourself go through it. Dating and drinking and any other form of self-medication won't help. In fact, it will make it worse. So go through the process, and find support. You also should exercise, join clubs or groups that pursue common interests, do service work, and just keep busy doing things that are productive and positive. Grow, grow, and grow. This year, in the midst of all of this turmoil, I started writing for a blog for a Bay Area Newspaper covering the local NBA team. It was one of my saving graces. Finally, remember that this too shall pass. 

Good luck and God bless!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Go see your MD, ASAP!!! 

Tell them what's going on and get something to take the edge off.

This is what meds are for...


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> Hello LWH,
> 
> I am sorry for the predicament you are in. Making it through the death of a marriage where betrayal is involved is one of the worse things a person can face. Infidelity is very tough for those who DO have a support network, and I imagine it's unbearable for those who don't have people to support them. I'm almost one year into it [for the second time (same spouse)], and my friends, family, colleagues, and church have been a huge source of comfort, love, and support. I don't talk to most of them about my issues, but just having them around and knowing that they are sympathetic helps. They have helped me to count my blessings, and that source of gratitude has given me a very healthy perspective. Nine months into D-day and two months since the divorce finalized, I am now stronger and happier because of it.
> 
> ...


Those are powerful words, and I appreciate them very much. I'm sorry that you're also going through it a second time. I was too young my first time around, but I really wish I'd have learned a lot more. I've had a very difficult time finding any kind of immediate help. This website is my lifeline at the moment. I can't get into IC for a few weeks. None of the churches within my reach are willing to offer any temporary counseling. I was really quite surprised. In all honesty, I can't lie, I've never really been a religious man. I've always struggled to believe. I'm more of a science kind of guy, but I don't really discount the possibility of God either. I don't want to seem like a hypocrite, but I have prayed more times than I can count since this has happened. 

Unfortunately, I'm 1000 miles away from all of my life long friends and family. They have been very supportive over the airwaves, but cannot be in my company. I have been here for 10 months. I really don't know anyone. My job is photographing houses, so it's just me and the house, rarely interaction with people. I have a few cousins here, but I'm not very close to one batch and the other batch are very young. Without her here, there's literally nothing that feels like home. I'm better off here in every way, but it's such a catch 22. It's very isolating. She works at a doctor's office, and has become pretty close with a few of her co-workers. She's staying with one, and she always has someone around. I'm really glad that she has that, but of course, I wish I did as well. 

I have been keeping pretty busy, all considered. I've about worn myself out exhausting my options. I have a car lined out, but it's getting some minor body work to fix a gap at the dealership. I think once I have a reliable vehicle, it will help a lot. I need to get out of the house more. I think that will help with my grieving process and make me feel a little bit whole again. We sold my dream truck to move here. We just got a new car a few months back. Her old car is on it's absolute last leg, and that's what I'm working with now. I don't go farther than I absolutely have to. I'll feel a little less crippled then, I think. Thanks so much for taking the time to share your thoughts. It is very helpful. 

I sincerely hope that your situation works out for the best, and mine too. All of us.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> Go see your MD, ASAP!!!
> 
> Tell them what's going on and get something to take the edge off.
> 
> This is what meds are for...


Right now, I don't have any insurance. We haven't established a policy yet. Her group policy was outrageous, and I'm self employed. We were looking for something when this happened. Without two incomes, I'm having to really watch my spending. I might be able to afford a round to get me started if push comes to shove, but I'm not quite there yet. I have been on an anti-depressant before after my first divorce. Unfortunately, it made me very anxious. They added an anti-anxiety med, but then I felt like I was in a constant fog. This experience has made me think more clearly than in a long time, so I'm going to hold off with caution for now. Thank you for the suggestion. I wish I reacted better to them. Maybe a newer drug will work for me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lost_without_her said:


> Right now, I don't have any insurance. We haven't established a policy yet. Her group policy was outrageous, and I'm self employed. We were looking for something when this happened. Without two incomes, I'm having to really watch my spending. I might be able to afford a round to get me started if push comes to shove, but I'm not quite there yet. I have been on an anti-depressant before after my first divorce. Unfortunately, it made me very anxious. They added an anti-anxiety med, but then I felt like I was in a constant fog. This experience has made me think more clearly than in a long time, so I'm going to hold off with caution for now. Thank you for the suggestion. I wish I reacted better to them. Maybe a newer drug will work for me.


I would really try to stay off pharmaceuticals if I were you.

When my son got cancer, I briefly thought about getting a prescription for a sleeping pill. But I held off, and am glad I did.

You can handle this. You are already doing very well. The way you are accepting your responsibility in what happened, owning your own hand in your troubles, being brutally honest with yourself, is praiseworthy. You should feel very proud of how maturely you are handling this.


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

jld said:


> I would really try to stay off pharmaceuticals if I were you.
> 
> When my son got cancer, I briefly thought about getting a prescription for a sleeping pill. But I held off, and am glad I did.
> 
> You can handle this. You are already doing very well. The way you are accepting your responsibility in what happened, owning your own hand in your troubles, being brutally honest with yourself, is praiseworthy. You should feel very proud of how maturely you are handling this.


I'm with you on that, jld. I'm not a fan of pharmaceuticals either. I avoid them as much as possible. I was almost a nurse before switching my major in college, and studying various drugs only reinforced my position there. I'm really sorry to hear that your son developed cancer. That's terrible. Unfortunately, I'm all too familiar with cancer also. That is very tough, and I hope that everything is ok with your son presently. I have an interesting story about a cancer treatment that gave my dentist an additional 4 years after receiving a prognosis of 6 months for pancreatic cancer. I can tell you about it sometime if you'd be interested. 

I really appreciate your vote of confidence, that means a lot. Today was a really hard day, but by the end of the night here, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think I turned a small corner earlier. I started to think about the possibilities for myself instead of just the possibilities of her coming back, getting ready for the worst if need be. For the first time, I even felt some optimism. That.. "who knows what could happen" feeling.. I could have it worse, and many others do after reading many of their stories here. My heart goes out. 

Thanks again, jld. I appreciate it always.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Lost without her, I hope you dong okay, I have just been flicking rough the posts and know where you are at, I'm 6 weeks into my separation, although we had separated 2 years back but reconciled for the last 18 months, this time it is done for sure and yes I fall back to wondering, what if's and all sorts, I am 8hours drive from family, but fortunately I have built up some good friends where I am at now, and I'm sure you will in good time.

As for the here and now, you do sound like you have a good mind of where you are at and accepting of that which is good, but also you are on with things for you even the small things to concentrate on, and like you say the good days turning the corner it is happening and will only happen more, you will find more forwards than backwards more positives to the negatives and then you will make your home your castle, it will feel right and you will enjoy. I'm telling you it will happen, you just keep in there, doing for you and in the meantime when needed just let loose with whatever it is that is hitting hard.

One day at a time and you will get there.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

lost_without_her said:


> Today was a really hard day, but by the end of the night here, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I think I turned a small corner earlier. I started to think about the possibilities for myself instead of just the possibilities of her coming back, getting ready for the worst if need be. For the first time, I even felt some optimism. That.. "who knows what could happen" feeling..


Great update, brother! Keep pushing forward. 

:allhail:


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Just checking in. What can you do to keep yourself busy and involved with other constructive things? Do you have a plan as you recover from this?


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Rick Blaine said:


> Just checking in. What can you do to keep yourself busy and involved with other constructive things? Do you have a plan as you recover from this?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/380194-update-she-broke-silence.html


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