# Stuck and Alone



## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

It's been about 7 months since the separation. She left me, but she continues with, "I never said I wanted a divorce." I told her unless she could give me a time frame of this "separation" I would be filing. She gave me no time. So she agreed to a peaceful quick separation, no lawyers, if I wanted. 
But my dilemma at hand is me. I am just stuck with working and hiding in my home. I'm stuck, no friends, no family here. It's hard after 30 years of being with who I thought was my only friend and to no longer have that. How do I get unstuck? Please don't say, "Just do it." Although I know that is what has to happen but mentally I am struggling. How do I get unstuck? Thanks.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> It's been about 7 months since the separation. She left me, but she continues with, "I never said I wanted a divorce." I told her unless she could give me a time frame of this "separation" I would be filing. She gave me no time. So she agreed to a peaceful quick separation, no lawyers, if I wanted.
> But my dilemma at hand is me. I am just stuck with working and hiding in my home. I'm stuck, no friends, no family here. It's hard after 30 years of being with who I thought was my only friend and to no longer have that. How do I get unstuck? Please don't say, "Just do it." Although I know that is what has to happen but mentally I am struggling. How do I get unstuck? Thanks.


Welcome to TAM.
7 months of being stuck sucks but at least you're ready to be unstuck.

Bottom line is to take control of your life and stop letting her control it.

Separations are not for healing a marriage, they are for divorcing or trying out a new bf. Or both.
So stop waiting for her to be done sowing her wild oats.

Take control by first divorcing. Go to a lawyer and get it done.

Next, start getting out with friends, go to a bar, join a church, help at the homeless shelter...anything to get you out in the world and out of the "funk". Only you can do it and there's no magic formula.


If you can find some friends to talk to in real life, then do that. Get a support system of men that have gone through similar things. And keep posting here on TAM...this place is the wild west so duck every now and then...but it's filled with wonderful people with a lot of life experience.

Take control of your life and move on. This part of it is over.
Best of luck to you!


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> It's been about 7 months since the separation. She left me, but she continues with, "I never said I wanted a divorce." I told her unless she could give me a time frame of this "separation" I would be filing. She gave me no time. So she agreed to a peaceful quick separation, no lawyers, if I wanted.
> But my dilemma at hand is me. I am just stuck with working and hiding in my home. I'm stuck, no friends, no family here. It's hard after 30 years of being with who I thought was my only friend and to no longer have that. How do I get unstuck? Please don't say, "Just do it." Although I know that is what has to happen but mentally I am struggling. How do I get unstuck? Thanks.


How to get unstuck. One small step at a time.
Have you filed for divorce?


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

MrBigBoy said:


> It's been about 7 months since the separation. She left me, but she continues with, "I never said I wanted a divorce." I told her unless she could give me a time frame of this "separation" I would be filing. She gave me no time. So she agreed to a peaceful quick separation, no lawyers, if I wanted.
> But my dilemma at hand is me. I am just stuck with working and hiding in my home. I'm stuck, no friends, no family here. It's hard after 30 years of being with who I thought was my only friend and to no longer have that. How do I get unstuck? Please don't say, "Just do it." Although I know that is what has to happen but mentally I am struggling.


Just went through this…separations are for testing out what she thinks will be a better life with out you. I would be astounded if she isn’t already seeing another person.

Take control of your life back and file for divorce. You are not someone’s second choice or back up plan. Once you take control you will feel a huge weight lift off your chest and that you have your balls back.
Work on the mistakes within yourself that caused her to want to leave so you don’t bring it into the next relationship. Exercise is key as it keeps your mind fresh and the blood pumping. So many women out there don’t get hung up on one who doesn’t deserve you.
Good luck and stay strong


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Separations are the Hospice for marriages. They don't go there to heal, they go there to die. It's okay to mourn what you have lost, but at sometime you will have to pull the trigger and move on. Perhaps you're just not ready yet. But when you are ready, get out of the house, get some hobbies, join the gym, go to church, anyplace to meet new people and make some friends.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MrBigBoy said:


> It's been about 7 months since the separation. She left me, but she continues with, "I never said I wanted a divorce." I told her unless she could give me a time frame of this "separation" I would be filing. She gave me no time. So she agreed to a peaceful quick separation, no lawyers, if I wanted.
> But my dilemma at hand is me. I am just stuck with working and hiding in my home. I'm stuck, no friends, no family here. It's hard after 30 years of being with who I thought was my only friend and to no longer have that. How do I get unstuck? Please don't say, "Just do it." Although I know that is what has to happen but mentally I am struggling. How do I get unstuck? Thanks.


After reading through posts, you need to file a d move on. There's some reason she's milking the time and stretching things out for her benefit.

At some point she'll reveal why the delay and blindside you with the sledgehammer.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

She's 100% stringing you along. She either has someone else or is looking to see if there is anyone better before she divorces you. 

If you want her back, give HER an ultimatum....a week or so to come back and work on the marriage or you are done. Just be prepared this may force her hand and she leaves. But that's alright. You deserve an answer either way so you can get on with your life...with or without her.

As for being alone...I'm in a similar boat. Have always worked for myself and don't have much of a social life by choice. I have joint custody of two teenage kids (first marriage), but they don't want to hang with Dad much. My STBX (2nd marriage) and I did everything together. But I'm not going to sit back and be sad. I'm getting active in my church, working out like a mad man and doing things around the house like gardening, which I never did before. Be selfish, take care of yourself. Find out what hobbies interest you and do them. 

When you think you are emotionally ready to date (have no clue where you stand on that...and obviously this would be after your wife and you are done) join a dating site and see what's out there. You're not looking for marriage, you're looking for friends at this point. Casual dating (didn't say sex, but whatever). Nothing worse than be dumped. I've been there. But once you see there are other women that find you attractive and are interested, you will feel much better.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Go ahead and let her control the narrative of the situation…. Yeah you just go ahead and ask her what the rules are and what you are supposed to do.

See how that works out for you 😳


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Why does she get to unilaterally decide the course for both your lives? Where is your say? 

Stand up for yourself. Fix the marriage or end it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

MrBigBoy said:


> How do I get unstuck?


Easy, you get a new woman (at least temporarily if it doesn't work out); which will make you realize that you've been miserably wasting your life waiting on your one and only "friend". If a new woman doesn't make you to finally divorce her, then, I'm afraid that the life you've been living for almost a year is the life you will live for the rest of your life. it's all your choice. We have been telling you for seven months now what to do. CHOOSE because no one can do it for you, only you can. No magic tricks.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Are you exercising?

Start a jogging routine or hit the gym, or even better do both...

It sounds cliche but it works... clears out the anxiety, increases self confidence....

The gym can also be a great place to practice talking to strangers if you are out of that habit.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

marko polo said:


> How to get unstuck. One small step at a time.
> Have you filed for divorce?


We're doing it without lawyers. And it has not been 1 year yet, only 7 months.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> Separations are the Hospice for marriages. They don't go there to heal, they go there to die. It's okay to mourn what you have lost, but at sometime you will have to pull the trigger and move on. Perhaps you're just not ready yet. But when you are ready, get out of the house, get some hobbies, join the gym, go to church, anyplace to meet new people and make some friends.


Yeah, I want to do those things but I just can't make myself move from the "security" of my home.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> After reading through posts, you need to file a d move on. There's some reason she's milking the time and stretching things out for her benefit.
> 
> At some point she'll reveal why the delay and blindside you with the sledgehammer.


When I mentioned the divorce she asked me why. She said that her sisters asked her if she was divorcing me and she told me that she told then no. Something is definitely going on, I just don't know what. I agree, it will be reveal eventually. I told her that this whole thing is odd and that even her sisters must think this is odd. I told her that I can't do it and wanted to file. I suggested a quick mutual divorce without lawyers and she said she would grant that if I wanted it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

MrBigBoy said:


> When I mentioned the divorce she asked me why. She said that her sisters asked her if she was divorcing me and she told me that she told then no. Something is definitely going on, I just don't know what. I agree, it will be reveal eventually. I told her that this whole thing is odd and that even her sisters must think this is odd. I told her that I can't do it and wanted to file. I suggested a quick mutual divorce without lawyers and she said she would grant that if I wanted it.


Do it. Save yourself.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

SCDad01 said:


> She's 100% stringing you along. She either has someone else or is looking to see if there is anyone better before she divorces you.
> 
> If you want her back, give HER an ultimatum....a week or so to come back and work on the marriage or you are done. Just be prepared this may force her hand and she leaves. But that's alright. You deserve an answer either way so you can get on with your life...with or without her.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I told her either we set a reconciliation date or I will file. She never wanted to talk about setting a date. So this is why I notified her about the quick divorce, and she agreed, if that's what I wanted. I told her that I did.
I have a garden that I forced myself to keep up, and I have. I'll be freezing a lot of green beans and greens. I have not started back with my other hobbies yet. Photography, guitar, golf ... I just can't seem to snap out of it.
I started going out and eating alone about 2 months ago(same place). That was weird but now I'm okay with it. I recently started buying things for myself. I bought a guitar, 75" tv, even a gold bracelet. I lost 60lbs. And I feel good, physically. 
I just feel like I'm the most unattractive, undesirable man. I'm sure most of this comes from her.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

theloveofmylife said:


> Why does she get to unilaterally decide the course for both your lives? Where is your say?
> 
> Stand up for yourself. Fix the marriage or end it.


I agree, that's why I called her and told her that I wanted the divorce. She sounded a little caught off guard. But I gave her a choice, either we set a date to come back together or I would file.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

re16 said:


> Are you exercising?
> 
> Start a jogging routine or hit the gym, or even better do both...
> 
> ...


No gym, but I am talking to someone at a karate school. I think I want to do that.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

MrBigBoy said:


> I started going out and eating alone about 2 months ago(same place). That was weird but now I'm okay with it. I recently started buying things for myself. I bought a guitar, 75" tv, even a gold bracelet. I lost 60lbs. And I feel good, physically.
> I just feel like I'm the most unattractive, undesirable man. I'm sure most of this comes from her.


Whatever you believe to be true about yourself, you will be correct. So don't let negative thoughts about yourself creep in. It will only take a few compliments before you start to believe it also... keep doing what you are doing and improving yourself.

What kind of guitar did you get... that is always good therapy...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> I agree, that's why I called her and told her that I wanted the divorce. She sounded a little caught off guard. But I gave her a choice, either we set a date to come back together or I would file.


Congratulations on the first step of becoming 'unstuck'. 'unalone' will follow.

Now hold your resolve and get it done even when she changes her mind.
Get yourself out of this hell you've been living in.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

MrBigBoy said:


> When I mentioned the divorce she asked me why. She said that her sisters asked her if she was divorcing me and she told me that she told then no. Something is definitely going on, I just don't know what. I agree, it will be reveal eventually. I told her that this whole thing is odd and that even her sisters must think this is odd. I told her that I can't do it and wanted to file. I suggested a quick mutual divorce without lawyers and she said she would grant that if I wanted it.


YOU don’t need her permission!
Since she isn’t acting married - divorce her! Find someone who makes you feel important… it’s not her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> YOU don’t need her permission!
> Since she isn’t acting married - divorce her! Find someone who makes you feel important… it’s not her.


If OP would only understand this.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> Thank you. I told her either we set a reconciliation date or I will file. She never wanted to talk about setting a date. So this is why I notified her about the quick divorce, and she agreed, if that's what I wanted. I told her that I did.
> I have a garden that I forced myself to keep up, and I have. I'll be freezing a lot of green beans and greens. I have not started back with my other hobbies yet. Photography, guitar, golf ... I just can't seem to snap out of it.
> I started going out and eating alone about 2 months ago(same place). That was weird but now I'm okay with it. I recently started buying things for myself. I bought a guitar, 75" tv, even a gold bracelet. I lost 60lbs. And I feel good, physically.
> I just feel like I'm the most unattractive, undesirable man. I'm sure most of this comes from her.


Many in your place have worked quickly to push the divorce through with favorable terms in hand. Likely if you choose to do the same you will also have few regrets when the dust settles/truth comes out.

Whatever fantasy your wife is chasing will come to an end sooner or later and it would be in your best interest to be rid of her sooner. Her agreeability will not last forever especially if whatever person or situation is distracting her comes to an end.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrBigBoy said:


> We're doing it without lawyers. And it has not been 1 year yet, only 7 months.


You are not listening. Get an attorney.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

re16 said:


> Whatever you believe to be true about yourself, you will be correct. So don't let negative thoughts about yourself creep in. It will only take a few compliments before you start to believe it also... keep doing what you are doing and improving yourself.
> 
> What kind of guitar did you get... that is always good therapy...


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

marko polo said:


> Many in your place have worked quickly to push the divorce through with favorable terms in hand. Likely if you choose to do the same you will also have few regrets when the dust settles/truth comes out.
> 
> Whatever fantasy your wife is chasing will come to an end sooner or later and it would be in your best interest to be rid of her sooner. Her agreeability will not last forever especially if whatever person or situation is distracting her comes to an end.


Wow, good point.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are not listening. Get an attorney.


I'm calling the clerk of courts to do a the Absolute Divorce. No attorneys needed. She agreed.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> YOU don’t need her permission!
> Since she isn’t acting married - divorce her! Find someone who makes you feel important… it’s not her.


Right I just found out that I can file where I am currently. I thought I had to file through clerk of courts in the state where we were married. I just found out I can do it here, it'll be certified mailed to her. Sounds simple. She's currently back home where we are from. Different states, but only 1hr away.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I'll be the first to tell you that being alone sucks. 

I destroyed my marriage. At some point, I just couldn't pine for my ex-wife anymore. I did her wrong, and I think I just felt I no longer had a right to miss her, or participate in any what-if scenarios. Suddenly my kids became my focus.. they always were, but even more so now. I think that focus pushes me to be better, and it forces me meet new people and above all else, heal and become a better person.

There are still times when I'm feeling lonely, but I'm always trying to DO something, a hobby, working out, listening to music. I know it will get better, I know it is just going to take time.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If OP would only understand this.


I have to feel important before I look for someone that makes me feel important.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

HarryBosch said:


> I'll be the first to tell you that being alone sucks.
> 
> I destroyed my marriage. At some point, I just couldn't pine for my ex-wife anymore. I did her wrong, and I think I just felt I no longer had a right to miss her, or participate in any what-if scenarios. Suddenly my kids became my focus.. they always were, but even more so now. I think that focus pushes me to be better, and it forces me meet new people and above all else, heal and become a better person.
> 
> There are still times when I'm feeling lonely, but I'm always trying to DO something, a hobby, working out, listening to music. I know it will get better, I know it is just going to take time.


How long have you been alone?


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

MrBigBoy said:


> I have to feel important before I look for someone that makes me feel important.


 Divorce is a very humbling experience.. If you have to feel important, divorce will truly teach you that is the least of your worries.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

I've been divorced since March... Separated New Years eve. I spent New Years Eve alone in a hotel.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mr b,
What are your good qualities that would attract a woman. If you think there are none, that’s the problem.
Being single is not so bad. I mean, you already are but are in a self imposed prison.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

By the way... I need no sympathy.. not asking. I created a mess and destroyed my marriage.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Mr b,
> What are your good qualities that would attract a woman. If you think there are none, that’s the problem.
> Being single is not so bad.


So true... Once you get through the initial shock and start to actually do something, being alone will actually be therapeutic.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

HarryBosch said:


> Divorce is a very humbling experience.. If you have to feel important, divorce will truly teach you that is the least of your worries.


For me, I think the divorce is the easy part. And I really want it. Its coming to the realization that I'm losing what I thought was a friend is the hard part.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

MrBigBoy said:


> For me, I think the divorce is the easy part. And I really want it. Its coming to the realization that I'm losing what I thought was a friend is the hard part.


I was married for 12 years... we were best friends for 13 years before that! She was my everything. You'll make new friends... it just takes time.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Cook yourself a good meal.. Bake yourself something delicious.. make a plan to get out and participate in life... read a book. listen to some music... it'll happen.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

HarryBosch said:


> Cook yourself a good meal.. Bake yourself something delicious.. make a plan to get out and participate in life... read a book. listen to some music... it'll happen.


I subscribed to an online dating site. Most of the women there are scorned, masculine, bossy or nuts.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrBigBoy said:


> For me, I think the divorce is the easy part. And I really want it. Its coming to the realization that I'm losing what I thought was a friend is the hard part.


You’re not losing a friend. You’re losing the imaginary person you had built in your mind and put on a pedestal. 
You will be gaining the opportunity to find someone who actually loves you.
Stop allowing yourself to only see the negatives.
She’s GONE! You aren’t losing ANYTHING.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrBigBoy said:


> I subscribed to an online dating site. Most of the women there are scorned, masculine, bossy or nuts.


All you have to find is ONE that you like, and you’re a helluva lot better off than today.
You’ll hit hot streaks and cold ones.
What can be worse than you have now?


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> All you have to find is ONE that you like, and you’re a helluva lot better off than today.
> You’ll hit hot streaks and cold ones.
> What can be worse than you have now?


Nowhere but up from here.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

Personally I'm not ready to date. I messed up, I needed and have gotten help. I'm still a long way off from getting involved with someone.

I have had some work friends introduce me to women, and it's inviting. My fear is it would go somewhere and I'm not healthy enough yet to be in any kind of relationship.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> It's been about 7 months since the separation. She left me, but she continues with, "I never said I wanted a divorce." I told her unless she could give me a time frame of this "separation" I would be filing. She gave me no time. So she agreed to a peaceful quick separation, no lawyers, if I wanted.
> But my dilemma at hand is me. I am just stuck with working and hiding in my home. I'm stuck, no friends, no family here. It's hard after 30 years of being with who I thought was my only friend and to no longer have that. How do I get unstuck? Please don't say, "Just do it." Although I know that is what has to happen but mentally I am struggling. How do I get unstuck? Thanks.


Are there kids?


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

MrBigBoy said:


> Nowhere but up from here.


The first step is the right attitude..


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Are there kids?


Two. They're adults, one married.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> Two. They're adults, one married.


It's just going to be an adjustment, but it sounds like you're already on the right track. You will be depressed and lonely some, of course. But that can happen married as well. You'll have to make a proactive plan to keep getting yourself out of the house doing active things, because honestly, that is the best medicine. If there's something you've been wanting to try, now is the time to do it. You might even join some activity meetups or something like that in your area. The active hobby ones like bowling, kayaking, hiking. Otherwise the social meetups are just awkward. But if you're busy doing things, you make some new acquaintances. If you might want to hang out with people from your work, you might start up a softball or bowling team. 

Any exercise relieves a lot of the stress and improves how you look, so that is a must. If you can live in a house with a yard, maybe get some traveling out of the way and then get a dog. They are wonderful loving companions. You'll never be lonely again. Best to have a yard and dog door so they're not alone locked up all day, though. Not everyone can accommodate that. Two dogs is better than one because when you're at work, they are each other's pack. They feel less anxious if they have another dog to be with. You can go to any rescue and ask for two that already get along with each other. Also, you could volunteer at a rescue or something else that appeals to you just a couple hours a week. You could volunteer at the zoo. 

When I was going through depression, volunteering at the zoo was very good for me, mainly because I was closed off from others, isolating, so I had little of interest to talk about (was working at home at the time). Doing the zoo work was educational (they make you take courses there) and they assigned me to some behavioral and telemetry work with ocelots, but I was occasionally asked to do something one-off, like watch a big bird being introduced into the herd exhibits or something like that and radio if there was problems or sit with an anesthetized cat after surgery just watching for any problems as it came to. Of course, I love animals, so that was up my alley. But you should have something you've always kind of wanted to do that maybe doesn't pay so you never did it. This is the perfect time. And my friends loved hearing the stories from the zoo. It gave me something to talk to them about that wasn't boring status checks. 

Also, you have grown kids, so you are free to roam or relocate to your dream place if you can manage the work situation. There's not time like the present. Change is usually good, but only if you don't let yourself stagnate! Good luck!


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> I started going out and eating alone about 2 months ago(same place). That was weird but now I'm okay with it. I recently started buying things for myself. I bought a guitar, 75" tv, even a gold bracelet. I lost 60lbs. And I feel good, physically.
> I just feel like I'm the most unattractive, undesirable man. I'm sure most of this comes from her.


Those are great first steps. When I was younger, I wouldn’t go to restaurants by myself. Now I enjoy it. Servers don’t care. Heck, you might catch the attention of a cute waitress. 

And kudos for spoiling yourself. It’s time for you, brother. 75” TV is massive! Do you have a sound bar with it? I just bought some new clothes and ON Cloud shoes. Also looking at a new bike (started riding again for the exercise and stress relief and love it).

Keep doing you. Try something new every few weeks. You’re probably a good looking guy, just over critical of yourself. Either way, looks fade but a good personality is the key. I dated some good looking women in the past and they were empty on the inside. Was only fun for a while.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's just going to be an adjustment, but it sounds like you're already on the right track. You will be depressed and lonely some, of course. But that can happen married as well. You'll have to make a proactive plan to keep getting yourself out of the house doing active things, because honestly, that is the best medicine. If there's something you've been wanting to try, now is the time to do it. You might even join some activity meetups or something like that in your area. The active hobby ones like bowling, kayaking, hiking. Otherwise the social meetups are just awkward. But if you're busy doing things, you make some new acquaintances. If you might want to hang out with people from your work, you might start up a softball or bowling team.
> 
> Any exercise relieves a lot of the stress and improves how you look, so that is a must. If you can live in a house with a yard, maybe get some traveling out of the way and then get a dog. They are wonderful loving companions. You'll never be lonely again. Best to have a yard and dog door so they're not alone locked up all day, though. Not everyone can accommodate that. Two dogs is better than one because when you're at work, they are each other's pack. They feel less anxious if they have another dog to be with. You can go to any rescue and ask for two that already get along with each other. Also, you could volunteer at a rescue or something else that appeals to you just a couple hours a week. You could volunteer at the zoo.
> 
> ...


A lot of good points, thanks. I bought a kayak about 2 years ago, only used it once. I think of getting back out, been awhile,... spirit was/is too low. I had a dog, but felt sorry for him and gave him away. I regretted it later. My mind, heart was not in the right place after she left. I just felt bad, and felt sorry for him. But I understand that I have to do something now.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

SCDad01 said:


> Those are great first steps. When I was younger, I wouldn’t go to restaurants by myself. Now I enjoy it. Servers don’t care. Heck, you might catch the attention of a cute waitress.
> 
> And kudos for spoiling yourself. It’s time for you, brother. 75” TV is massive! Do you have a sound bar with it? I just bought some new clothes and ON Cloud shoes. Also looking at a new bike (started riding again for the exercise and stress relief and love it).
> 
> Keep doing you. Try something new every few weeks. You’re probably a good looking guy, just over critical of yourself. Either way, looks fade but a good personality is the key. I dated some good looking women in the past and they were empty on the inside. Was only fun for a while.


Yeah, the 75" makes my old 55" look like a pc monitor. I bought a sound system. 
If I look anything like I feel no woman would want me. But I try to fake it sometimes.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

. If your thing works and you can write a coherent sentence, you’re ahead of a lot of the competition. Get out and enjoy life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> A lot of good points, thanks. I bought a kayak about 2 years ago, only used it once. I think of getting back out, been awhile,... spirit was/is too low. I had a dog, but felt sorry for him and gave him away. I regretted it later. My mind, heart was not in the right place after she left. I just felt bad, and felt sorry for him. But I understand that I have to do something now.


Well, they have kayaking clubs and meetups. Now is the perfect time. If you're unsure about a dog, wait on that until you know you are settled and committed to the dog no matter what. 

Everyone isn't the same, but for me, the most healing thing I can do is be on a river. It takes me back to my primal self, strips me right down to the core, and gives me peace, no matter what else is going on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> . If your thing works and you can write a coherent sentence, you’re ahead of a lot of the competition. Get out and enjoy life.


It's true!


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

MrBigBoy said:


> If I look anything like I feel no woman would want me. But I try to fake it sometimes.


Just be you. If there is anything I have learned it is to be true to yourself. Never try to fake" it, because in the end you are who you are, and someone will find that attractive. Trying to be something, or feel a certain way, that you aren't, isn't a good path to start down.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MrBigBoy said:


> Yeah, I want to do those things but I just can't make myself move from the "security" of my home.


This sounds like you have depression -- unmotivated, lackluster, etc.. IF you think that may be the case, visit your primary care Dr.

Also, take small steps. If you can't get to the gym, after work, just take a walk around your block. Then do a bit farther. Go for a bike ride, etc. SMALL steps.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

HarryBosch said:


> Just be you. If there is anything I have learned it is to be true to yourself. Never try to fake" it, because in the end you are who you are, and someone will find that attractive. Trying to be something, or feel a certain way, that you aren't, isn't a good path to start down.


Yes, but sometimes when depressed, you have to fake confidence until you become confident again, so I get that. Because you're not really yourself, and no one beneficial to you will be attracted to your worst self. So you have to kind of fake your way back instead of just isolating, which will make it worse.


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## Higherpath12 (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yes, but sometimes when depressed, you have to fake confidence until you become confident again, so I get that. Because you're not really yourself, and no one beneficial to you will be attracted to your worst self. So you have to kind of fake your way back instead of just isolating, which will make it worse.


Once you let go and stop giving a **** what other people think that’s when attraction level is peaking. Look in the mirror every morning tell yourself your a champion and own it. Without being an arrogant douche of course.

Dress nice…get good hair cuts and don’t give two ****s what other people think of you. Be honest..be kind..and do things that put yourself out of your comfort zone. The more you do that the more confident you become.

I’m going through it right now and it works. I push myself to do things that I wouldn’t before. People notice and people are drawn to you. Live life man we only get one.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Higherpath12 said:


> Once you let go and stop giving a **** what other people think that’s when attraction level is peaking. Look in the mirror every morning tell yourself your a champion and own it. Without being an arrogant douche of course.
> 
> Dress nice…get good hair cuts and don’t give two ****s what other people think of you. Be honest..be kind..and do things that put yourself out of your comfort zone. The more you do that the more confident you become.
> 
> I’m going through it right now and it works. I push myself to do things that I wouldn’t before. People notice and people are drawn to you. Live life man we only get one.


Different things work for different people then. If someone is able to look at themselves in the mirror still and think they're a champion, then they aren't really that depressed. People take a beating with depression from breakups, most of them, unless they're who wanted the breakup real bad.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> For me, I think the divorce is the easy part. And I really want it. Its coming to the realization that I'm losing what I thought was a friend is the hard part.


You will find that the person you though you married has never existed. The one that has so easily discarded you is the real woman you are married to. She is no friend to you. Never has been. You won't miss the real her at all.

The divorce will likely be easy if you work quickly, before she has time to really think the situation through.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, they have kayaking clubs and meetups. Now is the perfect time. If you're unsure about a dog, wait on that until you know you are settled and committed to the dog no matter what.
> 
> Everyone isn't the same, but for me, the most healing thing I can do is be on a river. It takes me back to my primal self, strips me right down to the core, and gives me peace, no matter what else is going on.


I signed up with a kayak club a few months ago, never attended, though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> I signed up with a kayak club a few months ago, never attended, though.


Good. Well, maybe you'll feel more like it now. At least you have that option when you're ready!


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

marko polo said:


> You will find that the person you though you married has never existed. The one that has so easily discarded you is the real woman you are married to. She is no friend to you. Never has been. You won't miss the real her at all.
> 
> The divorce will likely be easy if you work quickly, before she has time to really think the situation through.


I plan to be nice to her until it's final, but 2 things worry me.
#1. What if she likes that I'm being nice and change her mind or try stop or stall the process?
#2. What if she finds me being nice sorta weird and just backs up from the quick divorce?

I don't want to overdo it, you know? But how to determine how nice I should be?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> I plan to be nice to her until it's final, but 2 things worry me.
> #1. What if she likes that I'm being nice and change her mind or try stop or stall the process?
> #2. What if she finds me being nice sorta weird and just backs up from the quick divorce?
> 
> I don't want to overdo it, you know? But how to determine how nice I should be?


Just be polite, not overly friendly if you don't want to rock the boat. Be polite. Don't have any more contact than you have to have.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

marko polo said:


> The one that has so easily discarded you is the real woman you are married to


THAT right there is powerful.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s probably relieved that you’re filing because she didn’t want to be the one who got the blame for ending it. Some people care about having to be the one to file. I didn’t. My cheater husband wouldn’t so I took care of it. You do the same — and don’t look back.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MrBigBoy said:


> I plan to be nice to her until it's final, but 2 things worry me.
> #1. What if she likes that I'm being nice and change her mind or try stop or stall the process?
> #2. What if she finds me being nice sorta weird and just backs up from the quick divorce?
> 
> I don't want to overdo it, you know? But how to determine how nice I should be?


That’s not going to happen or we wouldn’t advise you to divorce. Once a woman starts this crap, it never gets better. When the switch is thrown…. It’s broken. 
I hate to tell you this, but you have to shift your mindset to seeing what a blessing it is to get loose from her and stop letting your mind backslide into reminiscing about false past with her that wasn’t really like your emotions try to make you think. It ain’t easy, but it’s got to be done. That’s why you’re floundering, you keep hoping she’ll change her mind. She isn’t, and won’t, EVEN if SHE lies and tell you her mind has changed and she sees you as her king again. Hopium—- as dangerous as any narcotic out there.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> I plan to be nice to her until it's final, but 2 things worry me.
> #1. What if she likes that I'm being nice and change her mind or try stop or stall the process?
> #2. What if she finds me being nice sorta weird and just backs up from the quick divorce?
> 
> I don't want to overdo it, you know? But how to determine how nice I should be?


Don't go overboard. Be polite and to the point. Don't ask about her personal life and if she asks you just say not much is new, same old boring you. Don't be afraid to lie and omit the truth. She has been doing the same to you. *Best case is speak with her as little as possible and only when necessary. *Not only does this eliminate her opportunities to attempt to manipulate you it denies her information about your thoughts, feelings and your plans going forward.

She likely won't want to stop or stall the process if there is someone else. If she does move forward anyway. Get a lawyer if you have to. Most places are no fault. You don't need her permission to seek a divorce judgement.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> That’s not going to happen or we wouldn’t advise you to divorce. Once a woman starts this crap, it never gets better. When the switch is thrown…. It’s broken.
> I hate to tell you this, but you have to shift your mindset to seeing what a blessing it is to get loose from her and stop letting your mind backslide into reminiscing about false past with her that wasn’t really like your emotions try to make you think. It ain’t easy, but it’s got to be done. That’s why you’re floundering, you keep hoping she’ll change her mind. She isn’t, and won’t, EVEN if SHE lies and tell you her mind has changed and she sees you as her king again. Hopium—- as dangerous as any narcotic out there.


I want to say that I agree with you and thanks. For awhile now I have been looking back, but now I am taking notice to signs that I didn't pay attention to. This helps me with my current reality.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

marko polo said:


> Don't go overboard. Be polite and to the point. Don't ask about her personal life and if she asks you just say not much is new, same old boring you. Don't be afraid to lie and omit the truth. She has been doing the same to you. *Best case is speak with her as little as possible and only when necessary. *Not only does this eliminate her opportunities to attempt to manipulate you it denies her information about your thoughts, feelings and your plans going forward.
> 
> She likely won't want to stop or stall the process if there is someone else. If she does move forward anyway. Get a lawyer if you have to. Most places are no fault. You don't need her permission to seek a divorce judgement.


I know it doesn't matter but I'd like to tell you my thoughts of what I think happened. She confessed to having a non sexual affair with a co-worker(maybe 2 years ago). She went on demanding that it was never physical and that she never, ever cheated sexually. Maybe not at that time. But I think she did cheat later with that guy. He was a broke younger guy(bum) that worked under her. This guy lived with his father. He didn't even own a car. My stbxw(I finally said this) was a manager at a fast food restaurant and I think the guy just wanted sex and she probably thought she was attractive enough to get younger guys again. I think something sexually eventually happened, but I don't think they're together now(I think he moved on. Younger guys don't want older, over weight, bossy, slightly masculine women). I think she's finding out that she is just another middle aged over weight woman that is probably going to be alone, after making sure she can't find a guy better than me. 
My stbxw wanted to see me a few weeks ago(to show me her new dog). I wouldn't let her come here to the house, so we met at the post office. She looked depressed and like she's in a weird daze and slightly delusional. She kept looking at me and said I looked really good and asked if I was on a diet(I'm down 60lbs, and feel really good). I told her no. I had on my $1k gold bracelet and drove my brand new pickup truck. 
I really want a clean divorce and will never, ever legally marry again.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> I know it doesn't matter but I'd like to tell you my thoughts of what I think happened. She confessed to having a non sexual affair with a co-worker(maybe 2 years ago). She went on demanding that it was never physical and that she never, ever cheated sexually. Maybe not at that time. But I think she did cheat later with that guy. He was a broke younger guy(bum) that worked under her. This guy lived with his father. He didn't even own a car. My stbxw(I finally said this) was a manager at a fast food restaurant and I think the guy just wanted sex and she probably thought she was attractive enough to get younger guys again. I think something sexually eventually happened, but I don't think they're together now(I think he moved on. Younger guys don't want older, over weight, bossy, slightly masculine women). I think she's finding out that she is just another middle aged over weight woman that is probably going to be alone, after making sure she can't find a guy better than me.
> My stbxw wanted to see me a few weeks ago(to show me her new dog). I wouldn't let her come here to the house, so we met at the post office. She looked depressed and like she's in a weird daze and slightly delusional. She kept looking at me and said I looked really good and asked if I was on a diet(I'm down 60lbs, and feel really good). I told her no. I had on my $1k gold bracelet and drove my brand new pickup truck.
> I really want a clean divorce and will never, ever legally marry again.


She has seen you doing well on your own. Work quickly.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

I have been talking with this woman from a dating site. On paper this woman would be an upgrade from my stbxw. I don't really talk to anyone else. I see nothing attractive about this woman. But I talk to her because I have no one else to talk to. Should I get rid of her or keep her to help with the process? We talk everyday, about 5-6 hours a day, sometimes more on the weekends. This has been going on for about 4-5 months now.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> I have been talking with this woman from a dating site. On paper this woman would be an upgrade from my stbxw. I don't really talk to anyone else. I see nothing attractive about this woman. But I talk to her because I have no one else to talk to. Should I get rid of her or keep her to help with the process? We talk everyday, about 5-6 hours a day, sometimes more on the weekends. This has been going on for about 4-5 months now.


Would be best to cool down any interactions. Quietly withdraw.

You may not be interested in her but that does not mean she is not interested in you. Women do not invest 5-6 hours a day in a man they have no interest in.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

marko polo said:


> Would be best to cool down any interactions. Quietly withdraw.
> 
> You may not be interested in her but that does not mean she is not interested in you. Women do not invest 5-6 hours a day in a man they have no interest in.


I'm aware that she is interesting in marrying me. She thinks I'm divorced. I was really looking for someone but I didn't find anything on the site, but this woman was there and I just sorta used her for conversation purposes and getting over my stbxw. Did I lead her on? I did, I am. I have no one else.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> I'm aware that she is interesting in marrying me. She thinks I'm divorced. I was really looking for someone but I didn't find anything on the site, but this woman was there and I just sorta used her for conversation purposes and getting over my stbxw. Did I lead her on? I did, I am. I have no one else.


It would seem you are your own worst enemy. There is no reason to fear being alone. Certainly you have fewer problems.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> I plan to be nice to her until it's final, but 2 things worry me.
> #1. What if she likes that I'm being nice and change her mind or try stop or stall the process?
> #2. What if she finds me being nice sorta weird and just backs up from the quick divorce?
> 
> I don't want to overdo it, you know? But how to determine how nice I should be?


Always be respectful...so at the end of the day, you can hold your head high. Never burn bridges, even if the other person is torching theirs. 

And ALWAYS be happy around the other person...even if you are miserable inside. You want her to think you are fine with moving on and actually happy about it.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

We talked yesterday and she said that she would be naïve to just do a quick divorce. She said "we have assets." So I told her we could make arrangements and agree on our terms or we could go to courts with attorneys and both end up in debt. I told her either way I'm okay and that I just want it to be peaceful. She was a little upset but kept saying she wasn't. She didn't really sound happy. She was a little combative. But I remained cool and we finished talking. I told her to think about it and get back to me with what she thought was fair. I have two semi small business purchases(properties) that I made for my business. She considers the properties, "ours." So I said to end this peacefully I would consider taking what was paid(towards the 2 properties) while she was here and paying her back a portion of that. I paid for that property through my business account.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Might as well get an attorney. You just think she’s combative now.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> Might as well get an attorney. You just think she’s combative now.


Attorneys are paid upfront? How much should I expect to pay for an attorney?


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> Attorneys are paid upfront? How much should I expect to pay for an attorney?


Many offer free consultations. See more than one, talk price and then decide. Choosing the lowest price lawyer usually gets you what you paid for - poor representation.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

I have a friend(a neighbor that walks through the community) that is a retired defense attorney and he advised to hire an attorney to find out what the outcome could be if I were to file. I called around and I'm getting an average of $200 for the 1 hr consultation.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

Just off of the phone with an attorney. He said that my stbxw is an owner of my business. And could get half of the equity that is in the properties that I mentioned, which is what I told her I would consider giving her but she doesn't like that idea. I think maybe she wants to add up everything that I own and get half equity of everything.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MrBigBoy said:


> If I look anything like I feel no woman would want me. But I try to fake it sometimes.


You do realize, that’s 95% within your control…

If you’re fat and out of shape, eat right, get to the gym and get in better shape. If you’re scrawny and weak, eat right, get to the gym and bulk up.

It will pay huge dividends for your attractiveness, as well as your confidence (which then further impacts your attractiveness).

If you dress like crap, go buy some nicer/better fitting clothes.

If you’re awkward around women, go read some books and practice being charming and learn how to flirt.

If you’re boring as hell and just sit around watching TV all day, go develop some more interesting hobbies and join some groups.

It is well within your capabilities and control, to be a man that women will want.


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## MrBigBoy (Sep 14, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> You do realize, that’s 95% within your control…
> 
> If you’re fat and out of shape, eat right, get to the gym and get in better shape. If you’re scrawny and weak, eat right, get to the gym and bulk up.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I appreciate your response. 
I think my issue is more mental maybe, but more exercise is something I want to do. I did go out and buy new clothes and it felt pretty good. And I have hobbies, just lost the motivation. 
I actually feel what I have and willing to lose through divorce is nothing compared to what I think I can accomplish with a healthy mind. I'm really willing and ready to start over.


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> And ALWAYS be happy around the other person...even if you are miserable inside. You want her to think you are fine with moving on and actually happy about it.


Wholeheartedly agree with this statement. Nothing bothers someone more when they are angry and you show you aren't.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

MrBigBoy said:


> I have a friend(a neighbor that walks through the community) that is a retired defense attorney and he advised to hire an attorney to find out what the outcome could be if I were to file. I called around and I'm getting an average of $200 for the 1 hr consultation.


Joke - Why are divorces so expensive? Because they are worth it. 

I didn't see the humor in this when I was going through a divorce. Likely you will not either. If you want to be free and want to leave the marriage without her potentially taking you to the cleaners you will need to retain a lawyer. 

It would be ideal if you went to see the top 3 lawyers in your area. Whomever you see in theory cannot then represent your wife even if you choose not to go with them. That means you can prevent two out of three top lawyers from representing your wife.

Your opportunity for a fast and easy divorce passed the moment your former wife saw you doing well. If you would not like to lose further ground, you need to start working quickly and utilizing every advantage available to you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You know what to do. Until you actually make an effort nothing changes. Your prior thread has all the info you needed.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

MrBigBoy said:


> Thanks, I appreciate your response.
> I think my issue is more mental maybe, but more exercise is something I want to do. I did go out and buy new clothes and it felt pretty good. And I have hobbies, just lost the motivation.
> I actually feel what I have and willing to lose through divorce is nothing compared to what I think I can accomplish with a healthy mind. I'm really willing and ready to start over.


You're in a rut right now and that's perfectly normal for what you are going through. Take time to grieve, but don't let it define who you are. Dude gave you great advice above on how to get out of the rut. Cliche, but the best way to get over one woman is by finding another. I don't mean dive in a serious relationship...you're not ready for that. But join a dating site and put yourself out there when you are ready. It will definitely help your self esteem and let you know there are plenty of others in the same boat as you.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> That’s not going to happen or we wouldn’t advise you to divorce. Once a woman starts this crap, it never gets better. When the switch is thrown…. It’s broken.
> I hate to tell you this, but you have to shift your mindset to seeing what a blessing it is to get loose from her and stop letting your mind backslide into reminiscing about false past with her that wasn’t really like your emotions try to make you think. It ain’t easy, but it’s got to be done. That’s why you’re floundering, you keep hoping she’ll change her mind. She isn’t, and won’t, EVEN if SHE lies and tell you her mind has changed and she sees you as her king again. Hopium—- as dangerous as any narcotic out there.


I would say that when I put the prospect of divorce on the table with my wife was when my marriage stopped limping along and started to improve, because it made it all real. We weren’t actually separated though.

Having said that this wife’s focus on assets would make me nervous. I would be positioning for the best deal I could on the assumption the marriage ends. I suppose she might be playing that card as a threat to slow him down, but if you are going to divorce you are going to divorce, and assets will be divided. May as well face an unpleasant reality if that is where it is. 

OP, even if your wife comes back, you will always know she left. It will never again be like it was. So you need to do some activities that develop social contacts. Also be very wary of viewing any social group you join as a de facto dating site. The rest of the group will pick up on that and it doesn’t go down well. Rather than beign friendly, some people would avoid you because they found it creepy.

Find strength within yourself, then go from there. You are braver than you think you are.


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