# Is it okay to love someone for "practical" reasons?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Many of you know that there was some turbulence in my marriage due to affection issues, and even though those issues are being worked on, I decided to take stock of my M and accentuate the positive. I love my W with all my heart and never want to leave her, and here are the things I love about her:

She's a good, faithful woman. She doesn't really do GNO's and neither of us are "partiers" or even drink. She would never do anything to hurt me out of malice or spite.

She gives me peace of mind. She never complains about material things, never compares me to others and feels that she's lucky to be here with me.

She's a great mother to our daughter. She is very concerned with her well-being and upbringing, as am I. We both are on the same page when it comes to raising her.

She's very careful with money. I never have to worry about the finances with her. I hear all these horror stories of guys who hide the credit cards because their wives go through money like kids in a candy store, and I remind myself that I am very lucky indeed.

She is a good cook, and never complains about me doing (or NOT doing) my fair share around the house.

She puts up with my hobbies and the fact that I work crazy hours.

So, do you at TAM think that it's okay to have good practical reasons to love someone, or is that "putting a price tag" on it? A friend of mine once said that that is "conditional" love and it's not real. (The same jerk that has been divorced 3 times-and for many of the reasons I just listed)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Most marriages throughout history have been primarily for "practical" reasons. Most of the marriages in the world today still are. The woman you have described sounds like a very good catch.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think it's great to love someone for practical reasons.I also really like that you've listed the things you love about your wife.That's such a positive step.It's so easy to think of a million negatives for most people and takes more work to focus on the positive stuff.

I feel practical love,while not the stuff of steamy novels and movies,will last.Ideally we should all have practical love and passionate romantic love for our partners but if I had to choose,I'd choose the more realistic and practical kind of love.It's comforting and constant.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The qualities you've listed are mostly rooted in common personal values. I'd say that means it is NOT conditional because you're wife isn't likely to become a different person suddenly. I'd say a more conditional love is loving someone for their looks or money because those can change drastically at the drop of a hat, but an even tempered, nurturing, practical woman isn't likely to.

Like Scarlet, I'd go for that kind of love any day. That's the kind that will last, IMO as long as you continue to foster those good feelings.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Many of you know that there was some turbulence in my marriage due to affection issues, and even though those issues are being worked on, I decided to take stock of my M and accentuate the positive. I love my W with all my heart and never want to leave her, and here are the things I love about her:
> 
> She's a good, faithful woman. She doesn't really do GNO's and neither of us are "partiers" or even drink. She would never do anything to hurt me out of malice or spite.
> 
> ...



I think you have a fabulous foundation to work on. You are in a position that little nudges and some work can pay off because from what you posted she's essentially a great wife. You can work with a great wife. You can't turn a bad wife into a good one so consider yourself lucky. 

My father once said that their are women that you bang, and their are those who you take to the altar. Now that's not to say that you can't have both but OP you have the proverbial bird in the hand right now and you should work with it. Just take a gander at some of the horror stories on TAM to see how NOT green the other side of the pasture really is. Good luck!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> but an even tempered, nurturing, practical woman isn't likely to.



Love this. Not like...love!:smthumbup:


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

F-102 said:


> So, do you at TAM think that it's okay to have good practical reasons to love someone, or is that "putting a price tag" on it? A friend of mine once said that that is "conditional" love and it's not real. (The same jerk that has been divorced 3 times-and for many of the reasons I just listed)




It's nobody's business but your own why you are with your spouse.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Because love in an emotion, I don't believe that is ever borne of practicality, but I do believe it's possible to learn to love someone who fulfills most of our needs... 

According to social psychologist Zick Rubin, love is characterized by three different things: attachment, caring and intimacy. If someone is providing us with all those things, I should imagine love is possible.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

This is what mature love looks like. Your wife is saying with deeds and actions that she loves you and values your marriage. Good for you for recognizing this and being grateful for the positive things that she brings to your relationship.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

As long as there is love, then that is all that should matter. Period. End of story.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

All I read was qualities you love about your wife, don't see at all how that's 'putting a price tag' on it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> This is what mature love looks like. Your wife is saying with deeds and actions that she loves you and values your marriage. Good for you for recognizing this and being grateful for the positive things that she brings to your relationship.


Yes, I've been reading "The 5 Love languages", and she is definitely an "Acts of Service" type.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Absolutely. Isn't that why people date and talk and get to know each other before marriage?
> 
> I personally think it is all of those things you mentioned plus having a good sexual relationship. It is best to be compatible in all areas. I think you have to know yourself and the other person as best you possibly can before you get married. I think you have to go in with eyes wide open. I can't see being in a relationship where there are lies or deception from either party. I can't see how a marriage could work if we are not honest with ourselves first and foremost and also honest with the potential marital partner.


Yes, we are very compatible. Even though we come from different cultures and countries (US/Korea), we seem to compliment each other very well.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Y'know, it's funny. We see here on TAM so many people venting about what is "wrong" with their marriage and spouse (and at times, I am guilty of the same deal), I began to wonder: Okay, so what is "RIGHT" with your marriage. It made me take a good look myself.

And while it isn't perfect (hell, no marriage is), I do know that am am luckier than most.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sanity said:


> I think you have a fabulous foundation to work on. You are in a position that little nudges and some work can pay off because from what you posted she's essentially a great wife. You can work with a great wife. You can't turn a bad wife into a good one so consider yourself lucky.
> 
> My father once said that their are women that you bang, and their are those who you take to the altar. Now that's not to say that you can't have both but OP you have the proverbial bird in the hand right now and you should work with it. Just take a gander at some of the horror stories on TAM to see how NOT green the other side of the pasture really is. Good luck!


I know, but I wanna BANG her, too!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Many of you know that there was some turbulence in my marriage due to affection issues, and even though those issues are being worked on, I decided to take stock of my M and accentuate the positive. I love my W with all my heart and never want to leave her, and here are the things I love about her:
> 
> She's a good, faithful woman. She doesn't really do GNO's and neither of us are "partiers" or even drink. She would never do anything to hurt me out of malice or spite.
> 
> ...


Without reading other replies, I think any marriage made without considering the practical reasons is likely to be doomed. There are just too many ways for marriage to fall apart when you're bringing two people from completely different value systems and backgrounds together into a relationship where they have to get along for the rest of their lives. They *better* have enough similarities and shared values to make staying worthwhile.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> That's what to look for and partly where I made my mistake. First one was OMG I wanna do you now. Second one was good, but........I can wait. It's alright.
> 
> I made other mistakes. This is in keeping with the theme here or what I perceive it to be.
> 
> Having that whole package makes everything worthwhile. What I want to know from you is this. Do you think having such a well rounded relationship/marriage requires more work or is it more work and easier because you enjoy it more OR Is it less work?


I dunno...it really doesn't FEEL like work. But i like to keep tabs on things, cuz when our daughter leaves home and it's empty nest time, I don't want us to be looking at each other wondering: "Who the hell are YOU?"


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