# Was the texting too much



## Danmarr

I am brand new to this. I’m 44 and she is 50. We have been married 23 years. She is very outgoing and is a lot of fun and very attractive. Recently I found out that her and my best friend have been texting a bunch lately. It took some coxing but I finally was able to read their texts. I did not know they were texting. We usually text on a group message. I don’t care about minor things. Like can you send me that link to an article and stuff. But this was some emotional stuff. Really nothing taudry or anything but the frequency was a bunch. In the last 3 months they had tested nearly 5 days a week. Usually they did not text on weekends. Her and I have always discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to text too much with someone of the opposite sex because it could send the wrong message. And I find out that they have been texting this much. I truly don’t think they have done anything. I can’t comprehend either one doing something physically but I also didn’t know they communicated that much. She did say that she would not do that again and I appreciate that but I’m sirloin even happened. As green envy gotten ahold of me or was I correct in being bothered by that? Thanks.


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## manwithnoname

Danmarr said:


> I am brand new to this. I’m 44 and she is 50. We have been married 23 years. She is very outgoing and is a lot of fun and very attractive. Recently I found out that her and my best friend have been texting a bunch lately. It took some coxing but I finally was able to read their texts. I did not know they were texting. We usually text on a group message. I don’t care about minor things. Like can you send me that link to an article and stuff. But this was some emotional stuff. Really nothing taudry or anything but the frequency was a bunch. In the last 3 months they had tested nearly 5 days a week. Usually they did not text on weekends. Her and I have always discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to text too much with someone of the opposite sex because it could send the wrong message. And I find out that they have been texting this much. I truly don’t think they have done anything. I can’t comprehend either one doing something physically but I also didn’t know they communicated that much. *She did say that she would not do that again* and I appreciate that but I’m sirloin even happened. As green envy gotten ahold of me or was I correct in being bothered by that? Thanks.


This may mean they’ll use a different form of communication, beyond your prying eyes.


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## minimalME

If it bothers you, address it. It doesn't really matter what standards others have.

Her response (or reaction) to you, if you choose to bring it up, will let you know what value she places on your relationship and your marriage.

To me, the marriage should come first. Everything should be done to protect it.


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## Marc878

Danmarr said:


> I am brand new to this. I’m 44 and she is 50. We have been married 23 years. She is very outgoing and is a lot of fun and very attractive. Recently I found out that her and my best friend have been texting a bunch lately. It took some coxing but I finally was able to read their texts. I did not know they were texting. We usually text on a group message. I don’t care about minor things. Like can you send me that link to an article and stuff.* But this was some emotional stuff. *Really nothing taudry or anything but the frequency was a bunch. In the last 3 months they had tested nearly 5 days a week. Usually they did not text on weekends. Her and I have always discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to text too much with someone of the opposite sex because it could send the wrong message. And I find out that they have been texting this much. I truly don’t think they have done anything. I can’t comprehend either one doing something physically but I also didn’t know they communicated that much. She did say that she would not do that again and I appreciate that but I’m sirloin even happened. As green envy gotten ahold of me or was I correct in being bothered by that? Thanks.
> *Define emotional stuff. Were you able to read all the texts.
> BTW it’s NEVER a good idea to have that much contact with an opposite sex friend.*


This is how affairs start. Emotional first then physical. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. Read a few in the ‘coping with infidelity’ forum. I cringe every time someone comes on here swearing their spouse would never cheat.
Bud, ‘*we’re just friends*’ is the biggest lie told.
DEFINITION OF FRIEND - loyal, honest and trustworthy. Obviously this was carried on without your knowledge.


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## Marc878

Danmarr said:


> I am brand new to this. I’m 44 and she is 50. We have been married 23 years. She is very outgoing and is a lot of fun and very attractive. Recently I found out that her and my best friend have been texting a bunch lately. It took some coxing but I finally was able to read their texts. I did not know they were texting. We usually text on a group message. I don’t care about minor things. Like can you send me that link to an article and stuff.* But this was some emotional stuff. *Really nothing taudry or anything but the frequency was a bunch. In the last 3 months they had tested nearly 5 days a week. Usually they did not text on weekends. Her and I have always discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to text too much with someone of the opposite sex because it could send the wrong message. And I find out that they have been texting this much. I truly don’t think they have done anything. I can’t comprehend either one doing something physically but I also didn’t know they communicated that much. She did say that she would not do that again and I appreciate that but I’m sirloin even happened. As green envy gotten ahold of me or was I correct in being bothered by that? Thanks.
> *Define emotional stuff. Were you able to read all the texts.
> BTW it’s NEVER a good idea to have that much contact with an opposite sex friend.*


This is how affairs start. Emotional first then physical. Don’t think it can’t happen to you. Read a few in the ‘coping with infidelity’ forum. I cringe every time someone comes on here swearing their spouse would never cheat.
Bud, ‘*we’re just friends*’ is the biggest lie told.
DEFINITION OF FRIEND - loyal, honest and trustworthy. Obviously this was carried on without your knowledge.


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## bygone

You should be a little more skeptical about what they're hiding from you.

messaging is too much, they stop when you are at home, they are texting outside the group, 

You should have brought the two of them in front of you and talked about this issue, if he married, you should have let his spouse know about the issue you were uncomfortable with! You had to inform your bandmates, if they knew something you didn't realize, you would want them to tell you.

Are there any deleted messages? Did your partner send a message to the other man after your conversation?

Are there other communication channels?

Why ?


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## Marc878

If you go online and review your phone bill you can see text and call data. Phone info can be deleted so you may not have seen everything they texted. Under the circumstances it’s probably a good idea to see when this started and how much. Does the billing info match the amount of texts you saw on her phone?


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## Marc878

Definition of an emotional affair:
Secretive
Frequent contact
Exchanging emotions

There’s a great book on this. ‘Not Just Friends’ by glass.

It sounds like you may not know the full story here.


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## RebuildingMe

Never investigate with the assumption that “nothing happened” or that there’s “no way they could have done anything”. Keep an open mind that anything is possible, dig and you’ll find your answers.


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## rugswept

There are a whole slate of things "that you can't imagine" that may be coming your way. 

This sounds like a full up emotional affair in the making.


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## TRy

Danmarr said:


> As green envy gotten ahold of me or was I correct in being bothered by that? Thanks.


No, “green envy” has not gotten ahold of you. You cannot envy what already rightfully belongs to you. You are correct in being bothered by this. BTW, most cheaters will try to flip it back on you by claiming that you are jealous and controlling.

How your wife responds to your legitimate concerns will speak volumes about how deep she has gotten into this other man. Also, stop thinking of this other man as your best friend; he may have been once, but not anymore. You must end or reduce to a minimum all contact with him. If she does not follow your lead, you have a problem.


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## Rob_1

Danmarr said:


> . I can’t comprehend either one doing something physically but I also didn’t know they communicated that much.


And you are 44. In what world have you been living all these years to be so naive as if you just were 15?

C'mon dude, wake up to the real world. In this world if you haven't notice sometimes your own brother would take your woman away, and here you are convinced that your "best friend" would never do such thing.

But I wouldn't be too concerned about your "best friend", I would be concerned about your wife's boundaries... or lack of them; Whether she's being just clueless or otherwise.

Time for a chat on what's kosher and what's not. Delineation of clear boundaries from both of you should be talked and understood Going forward.


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## BigDaddyNY

Sounds like she is his best friend, not yours. He is texting and talking to her more than you.

Guess what, he isn't your friend and isn't a friend of your marriage.


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## AVR1962

This should not be happening at all!!!! There is absolutely no reason for the two of them to be texting one another and I would not assume this is innocent. This man you call a friend is not being your friend at all. No one that has respect for his friend would be texting his friend's wife, that is off limits, it is common sense. You have ever right to know what is going on. You have a right to see your wife's phone. Does not mean they won't find another means to communicate. You also have the right to tell your friend that you do not appreciate the private communication that he has had with your wife and ask him to stop.


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## frenchpaddy

*Steve Harvey answers this one better than I when asked if men can be just friends with women , 
Women can be friends with men , but Men can't be because there is a part in every man that is waiting for that day that there is a chance to get in there and be more than a friend . some men can wait years like a cat waiting to pounce on a mouse .*


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## TexasMom1216

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and is texting your best friend on the sly, it's a ducking cheater. Sorry, dude, throw this one back.


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## Evinrude58

He’s your best friend and secretly texting your wife every day. Sounds like he likes you so much he’s wanting to share everything with you, even your wife. Where’s the problem?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Danmarr said:


> I am brand new to this. I’m 44 and she is 50. We have been married 23 years. She is very outgoing and is a lot of fun and very attractive. Recently I found out that her and my best friend have been texting a bunch lately. It took some coxing but I finally was able to read their texts. I did not know they were texting. We usually text on a group message. I don’t care about minor things. Like can you send me that link to an article and stuff. But this was some emotional stuff. Really nothing taudry or anything but the frequency was a bunch. In the last 3 months they had tested nearly 5 days a week. Usually they did not text on weekends. Her and I have always discussed that it’s probably not a good idea to text too much with someone of the opposite sex because it could send the wrong message. And I find out that they have been texting this much. I truly don’t think they have done anything. I can’t comprehend either one doing something physically but I also didn’t know they communicated that much. She did say that she would not do that again and I appreciate that but I’m sirloin even happened. As green envy gotten ahold of me or was I correct in being bothered by that? Thanks.


All you have to do is reverse the genders.

If you were texting HER best friend steadily a lot she'd likely not like that.

Or, her and her best friend may be setting you up to see what you'll do. If your best friend hasn't said man this is weird something is fishy though.


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## Marc878

OP was probably looking for a magic fix. There isn’t one.


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## drencrom

Danmarr said:


> I am brand new to this. I’m 44 and she is 50. We have been married 23 years. She is very outgoing and is a lot of fun and very attractive. Recently I found out that her and my best friend have been texting a bunch lately. *It took some coxing but I finally was able to read their texts*. I did not know they were texting.


This right here is the suspect part. Why would she not tell you and why did it take "coaxing" to get her to let you see them. She is being secretive for a reason. The texts may not have been anything you thought was out of line, but the fact she was being shady about it tells me she has designs on him and vice versa.


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