# I can't make a decision, and it is killing me.



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I think the title says it all. I can't make the decision to get a divorce or stay. I am the kind of person who sees the good in everything and everyone.

Here is the run down. We have been married for 20 years and we have 3 kids. I stay at home and my H works. I have always been a home maker and taken care of the family needs. My H has always been the provider. We have had a rough 15 out of the 20 years. 


I don't know what to do. When I am w/ my H I am miserable. He is not pleasant to be around. We all walk on egg shells around him. When I go to T I can say This marriage is not going anywhere, and it has some serious flaws. But when my H asks how are things going between us, I tell him OK I guess. I just don't want to start anymore crap with him. I think this isn't so bad. Then in the next 5 min I think GOD I HAVE TO BE CRAZY TO STAY WITH THIS MAN. 

Let me tell you the good things our marriage has going for it:
1. My H makes it so I can stay at home with the kids.
2. We built a new house and it is completely paid for because we saved money and worked out butts off and did with out a lot of stuff. 
3. He works hard, and goes to work every day even when he is sick or has a stomach bug, even if I ask him to PLEASE stay home. 
4. He manages all the money and all the bills have always been paid and the power or phone has never been cut off. 
5. He has a good since of humor, he tries hard, he is honest, he is well meaning. 
6. He's not lazy. He works 10 hours a day, and then comes home and mows or works on things around the house. 
7. He owns a successful business, and is respected in the community. 
8. He doesn't drink or do drugs.
9. He goes to marriage T with me. 

Those are the positives, but there are also negatives. 

The negatives are:
1. He most likely has aspurgers syndrome. So that likely makes it difficult to think of others. He also has OCD. 
2. He has never hit me, but he has been mentally and emotionally abusive. 
3. He is not nearly as abusive as he used to be, but he is still borderline abusive. The T has to help me see this. I am so used to being treated like crap I have come to accept poor treatment. 
4. He is not the best father ever. One of our children hate him, the other one fears him. I am afraid the 3rd is going to grow up the same way, hating her dad or fearing her dad. Had I known he was intolerant of children I would not have had children with him. 
5. He has been controlling in the past. Controlling the amount of electricity we were allowed to use, controlling how much I go out of the house by calling at random times, controlling how often I get to get out of the house by limiting the amount of money for gas. (Since T this has stopped) 
6. Everything is his way or no way. He will use your own words to hang you in a minute. 


I am just so torn. I haven't worked in 17 years. I don't want to loose this house we have worked so long to build. I am fearful that I will do worse damage to the children by divorcing there father then to stay in this marriage. I am afraid that the amount of money that he will have to give me for alimony and child support will leave him with nothing. I don't want my children s father living in poverty because of me. 

I just kills me that I can't decide and that I don't know what I want to do. 

Does any one have any suggestions on how to decide, any great books, any advice. I think I know the answer, I just need to know how to take that first step. I am so torn. When I talk to my H on the phone or about normal day to day stuff, I feel like I want to stay with him forever. But in a matter of seconds he can say some controlling thing, or some stupid thing, and I am so done and think what am I doing staying with this man.

HELP ME PLEASE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

He asks you your opinion of the marriage and you go mute. Why don't you tell him everything that you wrote here and see how reacts? He might take it a good way and even make more progress than he has already made. He is attending marriage therapy with you so that means he is more open-minded so don't be scared to lay it out for him.

How is your sex life by the way?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. 

I have some questions, the answers to which would really help.

How old are your children?

What is “T”?

Do you have access to the bank accounts? Do you do things like the grocery shopping? Describe your access to money.

Please give a few example of abusive things he does. May one or two of the worst and a couple of more normal things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok I read your other threads. .. T=therapy.

The other threads talk a lot about your sex life. How was your sex life when you first met and got married?


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Our sex life sucks. Due to meds killing my sex drive, and due to past rape in a long ago relationship, as well as CSA. (child sexual abuse) 

How old are the children: 16, 14, and 6.

T = Therapist, in my case MC in particular = Marriage Counselor 

So I have access to to accounts. My name is on them, but I don't write checks with out his permission. Usually I use money orders. 

I had no credit and no checking account. I had no credit, and one of my recent T's aided me in getting a credit card so I could establish credit, as well a a checking account for emergencies. He was livid, but he knew the T was watching him and he allowed it. That was two years ago he is still pissed about it and wants me co cut up the credit card (which I have used twice to buy purchases for him which he gave me cash in turn for to pay the bill) as well as close the checking account out. 

My access to money..... he gives me $900 a month. That is groceries for 5 people for a month, packing 3 lunches everyday, and a months worth of gas for a month. We live in the middle of no where and everything is 20 miles away minimum. That is all the money I get, If I need something to bad, if I want something forget it, wants are unacceptable. If a kid needs clothes tough luck, I go to yard sales and the good will, or hope someone will give me hand me downs. If I have to buy the clothes even at the good will the money comes out of the grocery money he gave me. 

examples of the abuse ..... He argues eith me and blocks the door so I can;t get out of the room we are in, he hovers over me and raises his voice, he stands in places I need to be and makes it so I have to ask him to move. He has since stopped these things in the past year. But the T still says he is bordering abusive because he neglects the kids, he wants me to admit guilt in all things, nothing is fault, he likes to condemn me and our oldest son. He demands answers and twists my words. I am very intimidated by him and he knows it. 

Any thing I like that he doesn't like is wrong and unacceptable because he doesn't like it. If It is something he likes then it is ok for me to like that. Ex animals, music, food. I am wrong for liking horses, heavy metal music, yard sales, olives. If it is not his way then it is simply WRONG. HE hates me to use the computer. He is very jealous and insecure even though he disagrees. HE threatens to not pay the internet bill, he hovers over me and reads what I am typing, he hates me talking in chat rooms. (Which by the way is a reputable web site, nothing horrible or bad, it is mostly females and retirees)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he know that you post here? If now how do you do it without him knowing? Just want to know who the audience is here.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

No, no he does not. He gets angry that I share things with strangers that I will not share with him. But strangers are safe for the most part. I know what his response is to what I have to say and I get triggered and I can't speak, I freeze and can't move, I can only stand in front of him and cry. I come apart, and he gets frustrated with me or it appears he likes to break me down. If it involves tears then he has gotten his point across. 

How do I get on the computer with out him knowing. I use it at night after he is asleep, or I use it during the day when he is not here. Sometimes he is out of town and I use it then.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Ok I read your other threads. .. T=therapy.
> 
> The other threads talk a lot about your sex life. How was your sex life when you first met and got married?


Our sex life was not great. HE did a lot of the things that my rapist did. HE would not take no for an answer and he would beg and plead, and eventually I would give in. Just like with my rapist I learned it was just easier to give in and not fight it. It would take that long anyway. 

We had sex before we got married. I thought I had to have sex with a man to keep him around. After I got married, WELL I had the man, so I didn't put out near as often. It was not unusual for me to throw up after sex or cry during or after sex. I have always been that way with my H. Some times it goes well other times not so much. 

Things were the same with a man before my husband. When we had sex, it was to keep him from straying, which he did anyway. And I often cried afterwards or threw up. The rape happened before this Bf, and before my H. I didn't know that was likely from the rape.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a lot to say to you here. Keep in mind that I was an abusive relationship for a long time, not 20 years but a long time. So much of what I say comes from experience.

You are caught in a behavior pattern. Each of you have a role to play. Your role is the beaten down wife whose husband rules her emotions. Been there done that. Well I did it until one day something pretty simple dawned on me. His behavior is about him. 

When he comes home and yells, throws things, etc., When he tells me that I'm a POS or that I should have done x instead of y... or one of my favorites was when he used to tell me how I had to use kitchen rags to clean the counter. Yep I apparently could not clean a kitchen counter right according to him. When he did these things it’s not because there was something wrong with me. It was because he’d had a bad day and apparently mistreating me made him feel better. 

On the day I had this revelation, he had come home and started in on me. A light went off in my head and instead of trying to justify myself, correct him, etc. I just turned to him and said. “Wow you must have had a horrible day.” And I walked away to another room leaving him to yell at the air.

The way you are reacting to his abuse is that you do more than half the work for him. You internalize it. You beat yourself up. Then you stand there and cry. For what? When was the last time your crying and beating yourself up made anything better? (I know I might sound harsh. I’m not trying to be. I’m trying to shake you out of a behavior cycle that the two of you have enacted thousands of times in the last 20 years.

Bottom line stop internalizing the sh!t he throws at you. It belongs to him, not you.
Practice lines like “I’m sorry you feel that way.”, “You must have had a terrible day.”

Now he might get meaner, he might stand in your way, he might follow you yelling. If he starts to use physical intimidation you call 911. If he knows that he will have to face the cops for what he’s doing, he will most likely pull back his intimation.

Another thing that I learned was to never allow any interaction between us to escalate into anger. There is a book, “The Dance of Anger”, that taught me how to do this. 

My safe work is “STOP”. When things started to get out of hand I said “STOP” very firmly and held up my hand in the stop jesture. If he continued to yell, I’d repeat it firmly a copule of times. Then I’d say something like “We need to stop this an cool down. “ And then I would leave the room for another room, or go for a walk, a drive, whatever. It was up to him to calm himself down.

I practiced this in front of a mirror, imagining one of our typical talks that would end in him yelling, pushing me, etc. So I’d imagine it getting to the point of anger. Then say “STOP”, hold up my hand and walk away. 

Then I sat him down when things were clam and told him that we were harming each other and our marriage with the anger. So I would no longer engage in angry arguments. I told him about the “STOP” and that I would leave to calm down and he had to calm himself down. I also told him that if he blocked me, followed me yelling at me, etc. that I was going to call the police.

I never had to call the police on him. He learned to go do something like take a bike ride to calm down.

You have so much more power in this relationship than you realize.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Big Mama said:


> Our sex life was not great. HE did a lot of the things that my rapist did. HE would not take no for an answer and he would beg and plead, and eventually I would give in. Just like with my rapist I learned it was just easier to give in and not fight it. It would take that long anyway.


I think that now in hind sight you can see how much the CSA and rape affected how you reacted to your husband wanting sex with you. As awful and painful as those experiences were, I am sure that your reaction left your husband very confused as to why his wife reacted to him as she did.



Big Mama said:


> We had sex before we got married. I thought I had to have sex with a man to keep him around. After I got married, WELL I had the man, so I didn't put out near as often. It was not unusual for me to throw up after sex or cry during or after sex. I have always been that way with my H. Some times it goes well other times not so much.


Well to be honest a woman does have to have sex with a man to keep him. And a man has to have sex with a man to keep her. So yea, I doubt he would have married you had told him that you did not want sex. I would not marry a man who did not want sex nor will I stay married to one who does not want sex. 

This is one the terrible consequences of CSA and rape. They can cause so much damage to a person mentally. 


Big Mama said:


> Things were the same with a man before my husband. When we had sex, it was to keep him from straying, which he did anyway. And I often cried afterwards or threw up. The rape happened before this Bf, and before my H. I didn't know that was likely from the rape.


 It’s good that you have finally worked to heal from the rape. I’m sure it will take more time but at least now your husband knows what’s going on.

When I was 21 some guy attacked me at night, strangled me, tried to restrain me and drag me into a field. I got away. But to this day (I’m 65 now.) there are things that I cannot tolerate. For example no one puts a hand on my throat.. No one. Not playing around, not to caress …nothing. I also found out that I cannot play around with bondage. When I tried it, I go right back to that attempted murder (and probably rape). If I’m ever walking at night, if a man is walking near me.. I cross the street… it panics me. The guy who attacked me was just walking down my street at night. He attacked me when he was passing me.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

There is a couple at our church and the man has asperger syndrome. It was rough on her but after 30 + years they seem to be making it work. 

The downside to that condition is they are not socially sensitive. He will not pick up on subtle clues. The upside is they are not socially sensitive. You can and should state your wants and needs directly and clearly. When you tell him you are okay, he is going to take you at you word. 

When I se them this weekend I'll ask her if she has any good book recommendations. Your therapist should have some suggestions for you too.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

ACOA - Thank you so much. That would be greatly appreciated. 

ELE - Thank you for your valuable insight. I have more to add to your response but I also have errands to run. I just wanted you to know that your responses are valuable to me, I did read them and I will respond in time.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

This maybe a starting point for you:

AANE - Living with Asperger Syndrome - Partners


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Do you love him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Do I love him, IDK. If he were run over by a bus I would be sad. YES. If he were hurt terribly in an accident would I still be available for him. YES.

Can people who have never met and who have arranged marriages fall in love. YES. So can I fall in love with a man I once loved. YES. 

Do I feel lots of love right now, NO. Am I hopeful that love is possible. YES.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He really needs to work on his issues, but if the 2 of you really love each other, maybe yall can work it out. You have to be straight forward with him and tell him how you feel. It takes a lot of courage I know, but if he can change yall have a chance of something special.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Thound Thank you. My H has changed his ways some, he is no near as abusive. He still has some serious changing to do. I do to I know I do. I hope we can both do it together or we are going to have to go our separate ways. I am 40 for crying out loud. This can't go for the next 40 years.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Thound Thank you. My H has changed his ways some, he is no near as abusive. He still has some serious changing to do. I do to I know I do. I hope we can both do it together or we are going to have to go our separate ways. I am 40 for crying out loud. This can't go for the next 40 years.



Best wishes to the both of you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Go to work. It might change your thinking. 

Secondly, don't put up with his crap especially regarding the kids.


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## stressedtothemax (May 29, 2014)

WOW! This sounds so much like my situation. My husband is a lot like yours, only mine is a drug addict. I too am having problems leaving even though I know that is what I should do. It's like he has some kind of hold on me. I wish I could give you some advice here, but I need help myself. Although I will say as far as the kids are concerned, I always worried about hurting them too. Now they are grown and gone and obviously couldnt wait to get out. They have told me they are so glad to be out of here. I look back now and regret keeping them in this situation.
I am sorry for your situation but know that you are not alone. Good luck.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Stressedtothemax - Thank you for sharing part of your story. I am sorry you are having similar difficulties to mine. 

Clipcolp - I did work for a bout 6 months and if I made just a few more dollars we would have lost Medicaid for our 3 kids. With me working a minimum wage job I just don;t make enough for before and after school care and enough to pay insurance on 3 kids. It is more beneficial for me to stay at home. I do odd jobs for folks and make a little bit of money but $100.00 in 3 months is just not enough to help very much, but I'll take it


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> Stressedtothemax - Thank you for sharing part of your story. I am sorry you are having similar difficulties to mine.
> 
> Clipcolp - I did work for a bout 6 months and if I made just a few more dollars we would have lost Medicaid for our 3 kids. With me working a minimum wage job I just don;t make enough for before and after school care and enough to pay insurance on 3 kids. It is more beneficial for me to stay at home. I do odd jobs for folks and make a little bit of money but $100.00 in 3 months is just not enough to help very much, but I'll take it


So your husband has a full time job that does not offer health insurance? And that pays low enough that you qualify for medicaid? :scratchhead:

Here is the thing. If you think you want to get out of this marriage, you HAVE to go and get a job. Your kids are all in school and dont need you home full time. You have kids old enough to watch the youngest when they get home from school so that should eliminate after school care. You need your own bank account. Even if you dont direct deposit checks into it, you need to have it. 

You worry about divorce damaging your children. Did you read what you wrote? :

"4. He is not the best father ever. One of our children hate him, the other one fears him. I am afraid the 3rd is going to grow up the same way, hating her dad or fearing her dad." 

Your children are being damaged NOW. I know exactly how they feel. They will probably do a happy dance if you announce divorce. (I did) You are teaching them that THIS is how husbands treat their wives. Do you want any of them to grow up and treat someone this way, or to be treated this way?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Go back to School. 

Work on a plan to better yourself. 

But I think you should be working anyway. Adult interaction.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

OK, I am having difficulty figuring out htis quote thing. It will just have to work this way. 



3Xnocharm said:


> So your husband has a full time job that does not offer health insurance? And that pays low enough that you qualify for medicaid? :scratchhead:
> 
> "Correct, my husbands place of employment doesn't offer insurance. It does pay 100% of his insurance and mine to though. We choose the insurance and the business pays for all of it. But the kids qualify for medicaid, well FAMIS insurance, which is still a government based low income type of insurance for those above the poverty line up to 15% above the poverty line."
> 
> ...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why did you have 5 kids on such a low salary? Religious reasons? Just curious.

You said you like being home for the little one and I get that. But liking it doesn't take care of business. You would need some babysitting but not full time. You can look for a job that is closer to the older one's School but you can also do more to ensure that he is prepared before ever leaving home. I don't run to the school whenever my kids forgets something. Tough! 

As for field trips, the school would have to provide a place he can go during the day of you or his dad were unavailable. It isn't a reason not to work. That said, your state laws might actually require the district to provide someone for him. Have you talked to anyone about this outside of the school district?

Your reasons for not working are reasonable up until we get to the place where you can't afford to support yourself and your husband would not be able to support you and the kids if he left.

How much money per month is saved by having the kids on free insurance? How much more would you have to make to call it a wash? What would you have to do to break through that barrier?

And again, what about your own education? You have time during the day and can probably find grants and assistance for tuition.


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