# Is it too soon to get married? Only 22.



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I just joined the forums, because I really need some advice from people who are already married or thinking of getting married. This may be a little long, but if anyone can provide input, I would really appreciate it. The story with my girlfriend and I was that i've basically "known of her" for over a year. Although, most of that time period we didn't talk. 

Let me explain. Her first boyfriend and "her first" was a coworker of mind and she would come in and visit him frequently through my time there, but maybe about a year and a half ago (last February or so) she broke up with him and she started messaging me on Myspace and wanted to go out on a date. Well, rest assured her "ex" was not going to let her go so easily. So after about 2 weeks of dating her back then I told her "goodbye" because I knew he wasn't out of the picture yet. So after another year or so (she would message me from time to time) she broke up with him entirely. Needless to say, it was very hard to get him out of the picture this time to the point where I had to go to the police about him. 

So, her and I have been dating now for almost 3 months. She told me she loved me 3 weeks into it and I said I loved her too and I felt on top of the world. Since then, not a day goes by without a hello, I love you, and i'm with her 90% of the time during the week. Everything I do I do to make her happy... i send her flowers to her work, I surprise her with random little things all the time. Her parents are very traditional and I have to ask them for her hand in marriage, but my problem, are the following...

I am diagnosed OCD and it can get pretty bad at times, but I am trying to live my life to the best of my ability despite it. What i really don't want is for what other people say to influence greatly the way I think. Now being OCD, I over-think and over analyze everything. People tell me that you should at least live with her first before you get married (which is not possible because we are both devout Christians and I am under the belief that if you love somebody enough you should be able to live together through anything), and people also say that you should date someone at least 2 years before marrying them. The way my mind is working at the moment is imagining a cup. Do I have to fill the cup up enough with love, and time and everything so once I do get married that cup's contents will last me a lifetime? What does it take to fill the cup, what is required, and how long does it take? (If that makes sense)

I'll cut this here before it gets too long. If anyone has any questions, or need elaboration or have advice I would really really appreciate it. 

Thank you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> ...and people also say that you should date someone at least 2 years before marrying them.


Welcome to the forums. 

I think there is some truth to this and here's my reasoning: I've read in several texts that the 'in love' feeling you experience in the beginning of a relationship, butterflies, that 'euphoric' feeling, etc. has a shelf-life of 2 years, maximum. 

It is only after that point where you experience a deeper love, you've seen more sides of that person and it isn't necessarily all rosey. At that point, if you still cannot imagine spending your life without them and you still want to see them happy and they still make you feel fulfilled the 'cup' you speak of is about as full as it will get as far as being ready for marriage. 

Once you make that leap and you feel your cup is full, the task then becomes keeping it full. There is a book by Chapman called the 5 Love Languages that I wish I read before marriage, but highlights discovering how your partner receives love and feels loved and can be very helpful in staying connected and keeping your relationship the priority.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Well, there are things about her that aren't rosey and we always work through them and we work through my "stuff" too. The only thing is, we won't be moving in together anyway until we're married so I can't see what it would be like to live with her on a daily basis. I honestly feel like I can commit my life to her and I feel like i've known her for a lot longer then I do. 

I know there are plenty of people out there who are living happily who didn't necessarily go by "the rules" to the perfect relationship. Everything is going great now and i have no complaints so i'm not worried about the future as far as that goes.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If you are doing all those sweet things for her keep it up. Give yourself time here. Enjoy the romancing and let her enjoy it. After a year or two get engaged for a year or two. Being young once I can tell you things change. Expectations change. You will know after two or three years if this is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. The more time and thought the better.

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i was 21 when i first married, my big mistake - but it doesnt mean it for everyone. 
sometimes i think we rush for fear of being left on the shelf.
i had other reasons for getin married the first time , controlling father and i felt that i had to get married to get out of the house from my father. 
it was a puppy love i had for my ex, someone i had grown up with, but again when we ended - i realised i didnt love him at all.
at 21, we think we know it all, but we know nothing. 
it was only when i was divorcing 15 months later. i realised there is so much more to life and living and having fun. 
i married for the second time at 27. by then i had a child. but this time it really felt right and yes you wil always have issues with whoever you end up with. its just the chemistry with the right one , that can make a difference to help resolve issues.
whether your single or married, its not always peaches and cream, you just have to remember that. 
however, believe me im not marrying again, im staying on the shelf.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> I just joined the forums, because I really need some advice from people who are already married or thinking of getting married. This may be a little long, but if anyone can provide input, I would really appreciate it. The story with my girlfriend and I was that i've basically "known of her" for over a year. Although, most of that time period we didn't talk.
> 
> Let me explain. Her first boyfriend and "her first" was a coworker of mind and she would come in and visit him frequently through my time there, but maybe about a year and a half ago (last February or so) she broke up with him and she started messaging me on Myspace and wanted to go out on a date. Well, rest assured her "ex" was not going to let her go so easily. So after about 2 weeks of dating her back then I told her "goodbye" because I knew he wasn't out of the picture yet. So after another year or so (she would message me from time to time) she broke up with him entirely. Needless to say, it was very hard to get him out of the picture this time to the point where I had to go to the police about him.
> 
> ...


Fill the cup up with love, honor, respect and trust. Don't ever go to bed mad at each other. Show respect for the other person. Say I love you at least once a day, and gives hugs as well. Life can get too busy then we lose even doing this sometimes. Try to keep the romance alive as much as possible, and if times get tough, don't cheat, talk out you problems. If this don't work then go to talk to someone. Always know that in marriage you will have to give and take some. No two people are alike, or like the same things. Usually find this out after you are married. Best of luck to you !


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> I am under the belief that if you love somebody enough you should be able to live together through anything


I am very happy you found someone you care about deeply. I myself was married at the young age of 22. I don't think I would ever take anything back I have done in my life, *BUT*, knowing what I know now I would have done things differently. Draconis is very right, things change. Specially when you are at the age you are. This doesn't mean your love for her cant develop and change with it though.

Me and my wife are now going through a divorce years later. We love each other, but that is definitely not enough. Love does not conquer all. There are other very important factors in a relationship like trust, intimacy, and respect. And these take time to develop. There is no way around that. After the "Romantic love" or infatuation (which sorry to say is nothing more than chemical reactions in our brains) fades with time, it is these principles that will sustain your "true" selfless love. If one of them is missing or weak, it will be hard to nurture and develop your ongoing relationship based on "love" alone. 

So don't rush it. You have plenty of time. Get to know her more, and take your time. It will mean so much more.



zamardii12 said:


> so I'm not worried about the future as far as that goes.


You will *Never* know what the future holds. If you did, what would be the point of the wonderful adventure of life known as "Marriage"? Things may end up great and they may not. The only guarantee in life is that one day you'll pass on.


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## gabrielbeth (Oct 1, 2008)

zam - i think that if you love this person and you know she is "the one", then no one and nothing should stop you from getting married. 22 is young, but it's not too young. i have been widowed now for almost 4 years and i married the love of my life when i was 20. 20! so young! and he was only 23. we only dated 3 months before we got engaged, but we just knew it was right and that we were made for each other. when you know, you know, right? we were so happy for almost 6 yrs when he was taken from me. 

i'm not telling you to go get married tomorrow, but i think you should listen to your heart and what it's telling you. no one can know what is right for you except for yourself. like some here have said, you never know what the future holds. sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. 

good luck! let us know how it goes.
gabrielbeth


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