# Ladies to the rescue



## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Ladies, 

My marriage sucks and its my fault so I need to start

1. dating my wife
2. chatting her up in the kitchen where she is when I get home
3. helping her more with stuff
4. being a man of action taking care of business
5. telling her what I want more directly
6. asking her what she wants more directly
7. saying no instead of being passive aggressive
8. saying yes and making the best of things she likes to do
9. giving a **** about her to talk about it and support it

What am I missing?


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## karmah (Feb 21, 2013)

Mr Used To Know said:


> Ladies,
> 
> My marriage sucks and its my fault so I need to start
> 
> ...


Could probably sum all of those up into "not taking her for granted" category. 


Do spontaneous things, surprise her, compliment her...those small gestures will go a long way.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Work on marriage building books with her. His Needs Her Needs and 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work are two excellent ones.

Find out her love language and start speaking it
The Five Love Languages


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Mr Used To Know said:


> Ladies,
> 
> My marriage sucks and its my fault so I need to start
> 
> ...


Well, you came to the right place to ask that question....these TAM ladies will set you straight for sure!


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

karmah said:


> Could probably sum all of those up into "not taking her for granted" category.


Definitely. This is my crime. I have fixed several times before but always back slide. I have not been able to stop. When I reengage, she reignites. I want to be consistent and not back slide again.



karmah said:


> Do spontaneous things, surprise her, compliment her...those small gestures will go a long way.


She loves text during the day but I am afraid it will become too predictable aka "unspecial" if I do it too much. She also says she loves me to bring her her facvorite candy bar, potato chips or a cool book mark or pen. I like to be original so I got her some fuzzy toe socks. 



Hope1964 said:


> Work on marriage building books with her. His Needs Her Needs and 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work are two excellent ones.
> 
> Find out her love language and start speaking it
> The Five Love Languages


She seems like she speaks all five languages and then some LOL. 

I think I need a checklist taped on my truck dashbaord but my staff will bust my balls LOL. I commute about an hour every day and when I get home I break the rules of marriage instead of do the deed and engage in attention, affection and appreciation. 

I need to stop and get something for her. 

Ive been so lazy. I wish I could get a redo but I jsut have to buckle down and learn all five langugages at once. She is so fluent in all those languages. LOL

Sounds exhausting but not as exhausting as an unsatisfying marraige. I have to pick my poison. Easy choice I guess.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

do you walk in, grab her, push her up against the wall and HAVE her right then and there?


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> do you walk in, grab her, push her up against the wall and HAVE her right then and there?


I have. She said she likes it when I pull her hair and kiss her. I also love her azz so I frequently cop a feel. especially when shopping. 

She would **** a golden rainbow unicorn though if I showed up with something thoughtful after work twice a week. I am drawing a blank on ideas and dont want to junk up the house with too much crap. Any ideas what would make you smile? She likes fuzzy, cute, pink, delicious, funny, wild for starters. 

We have a fuzzy dog, cat and hamster. She is an animal lover.

I also need to turn off the computer, stop watching news, PLAN dates, finish some stuff I started like the kitchen remodel trim and putting away the A/C units in the hall way. 

What fo you think of coupons for massages, honeydos, oil change?

Any other ideas?

Unpredictable date ideas?

I joined a few meetups so we can meet new couples. She will like that. Our social life could use some new people whose predictability is less well known. LOL


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Question: What does SHE do to make your marriage better?


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Dollystanford said:


> Question: What does SHE do to make your marriage better?


Not enough but I think I have caused it by neglect

She is solid on this list

Amazing meals 
Great mom 
Thoughtful texts
Very courteous about keeping me informed in her loop 
Thoughtful gifts like favorite candybar, cool keychain, new fat pens that I like, drinks, treats for the dog and me playing fetch, joke books, etc 
Takes care of things with daughter, animals, cars, house, bills, food, very reliable
Plans and schedules fun friends and family stuff 
Has amazing reltiuonship with my parents and helps with their biz
Takes good car of herself which I find very sexy
Responsible with our marital assets
Gets undressed in front of me which I love
Takes care of my sexual needs somewhat even if she isnt in the mood


Also 

Sometimes initiates intimacy in assertive way
Tries to break through my distractions 

room for improvement

Understanding what I like and comitting to more of it
getting my attention with a 2x4 when she feels left out or blown off
Making an effort with some of my interests
Honoring some of my requests like being more direct and using last names when she talks about people I dont know that well
Asking for what she wants 
Asking again for things I forgot or leavng a note
Writing things down 
Mix up the sex more 
Plan more dates
realize my daughter tries to monopolize her time squeezing me out


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

so thats it? no secret formula?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

No secret formula. We really just want to know you think about us a lot and show that we mean a lot to the men in our lives. Everyone is different as to how they show it.

If you want a hot evening, leave with a hot kiss, send a hot text in the middle of the day, tease her by coping a gentle feel in a naughty way and tell her 'later' with a wink. Foreplay all day on occasion is good.

Non-cluttery things:
Leave a little note where you know she'll find it
Random text like "I love your ass and I'm thinking about it right now!"
Random compliment like "You make me so proud to have you as a wife when you are nice to my parents."
Or when you see her distracted or overly busy just pitch in.

If you get into the mind set of "What can I do to show her I love her and to be a good husband today by making her day better?" then it will become habit.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Is your wife the type who prefers subtle displays of affection? Or does she want to see you actively trying to meet her needs?


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## 2ofus (Dec 25, 2012)

Mr Used To Know said:


> What fo you think of coupons for massages, honeydos, oil change?


Almond oil is great for a massage, a whole body erotic massage.

Coupons are cute too, you can make your own and give them to her.

I wish my H was here asking question like you are.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If you get into the mind set of "What can I do to show her I love her and to be a good husband today by making her day better?" then it will become habit.


This is my new approach because of the back sliding in the past. When our marriage is good its great and I seem to set the tone. I think she gauges me and reacts. If im not engaged she backs off. I would rather she hit with a brick but she wont. 

I need to wake up ready to rock her. I also need to reenter the house after work with a plan to give her a lift instead of blowing her off. Onj occassion I need to bring home something (little trinkety gifts, milk, oog food) so she knows Im paying attentionm give a **** and am a team player.



Created2Write said:


> Is your wife the type who prefers subtle displays of affection? Or does she want to see you actively trying to meet her needs?


She likes it when Im a total package. I have been told many times I turn charm on and off like a switch. I need to keep it on when with my wife and at home when I am too often concentrating on something. When she enters the room I need to stop working and start flirting and beinghelpful. She eats up the flirting and we both have dirty minds. When I am kidding her and making her laugh and teasing and being supportive and helpful without being a pansy, we are at our best and she jumps me most then.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I love your list! Would add perfum to the lost of gifts and suggest that you shop once and pic up a bunch to keep in your office. Grab one on your way out.

My H and I are dealing with back sliding too. The subtle signals we had agreed upon, in order to draw attention to back sliding, have been over looked lately. But works been a Bytch so he's super tired and stressed.

I got a new ironing board when H came home yesterday! I'm a lucky girl I am!

I particularly like Dollystanfords question/suggestion.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I asked my wife what things she likes. I actually wrote it down.

So...last Christmas, I got her some Shishado make up, some beautiful blank greeting cards from Thailand with pressed flowers on the front (we never have the right greeting card so these look wonderful and can be used for anything) and in an off the cuff moment, a $20 Channel knock off tee shirt.

She likes Channel. It was on her list.

She LIT UP when she got that stupid frigging tee shirt! She GUSHED about that stupid frigging tee shirt.

So that stupid frigging tee shirt wasn't so stupid. I wish I was brave enough to have gotten her a knock off Channel bag but women are very selective about their handbags. I asked what she likes but she didn't want a knock off. But I'm betting she wasn't being completely honest...at least with herself.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

How about bath gels that you pick yourself....something slightly better than the standard high street brands (but not too expensive)
Advantages
They are not too expensive 
It is probably good enough to appear like a proper gift
When you hand pick it, its special for her (bath gels my husband picks for me are always special to me even if the flavours are not really my kind lol)
Its not like a trinket that would just pile up in the house as it needs to be used up
Its a proper mix of assertive alpha and beta (where you are caring for her needs and yet showing you'd like her to use something you want)
You can compliment her when she's used it - maybe moving her hair and running your nose along her neck as you say 'You smell lovely...that's exactly why I got abc for you' (Two love languages taken care of here)
Its something you can buy twice a month - one less 'gift' to worry about

also, hand picked things will be of greater value with your woman (if she's genuine and not really materialistic) -> e.g. hand picked flowers from the garden instead of an expensive bouquet, hand written notes instead of a card etc etc -


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## southern (Dec 6, 2012)

My husband sends me at least one txt a day to say "good morning" or "I love you" and it never gets old. I am a stay at home Mom and there are a lot of days that I feel like the unpaid housekeeper instead of a wife. It also means a lot when my husband gets me flowers. Flowers never get old. It is nice when he puts his phone down and turns down the TV and just talks to me. He is the only adult that I come into contact with on a day to day basis.
There is not a magic formula to a healthy loving marriage. Just constantly show your wife that you are interested in her. If you have trouble remembering...set reminders in your phone. Maybe get her a gift certificate to get her hair done or a mani/pedi. I know there are times when I am knee deep in toddler toys and dirty diapers I don't feel much like a woman...let alone an attractive woman. This will give her a chance to take some time to herself. Hope this helps...


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Basically, whatever is important her, take that seriously. I'm a romantic girl, so lots of affection goes a long way with me. Love letters, cuddling, lots of kisses throughout the day. One thing my husband still hasn't learned is how to vocalize his feelings when we're together. He can put them in a text message, but saying them to me isn't something he does well, unless I coax it out of them. But then it doesn't mean as much.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well, from a males perspective remember al those things you did to get her in the beginning from your relationship.Think back
and start doing those again.Listen!! to her,laugh with her and spend time doing little things even house chores with her.
When was the last time you took her out to dinner?Rubbed her feet after work? or gave her a back massage.She sounds like a great lady and wife.Just surprise her and make plans,I"m 
sure she will be surprised and happy.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Helpful tips. Thanks all. 

List expansion 

10. Get into better shape (part of taking action) 
11. get some new clothes 
12. best me I can be
13. more laughs 
14. lighten up. I am too serious most of the time Gotta chill
15. Work less with better more efficient decisions and organization
16. Work life personal balance (work too much)

I have taken the clothes hangers off the gym equipment this morning and worked out today and put more effort into my appearance and used a different bathroom instead of sharing during the wrong moments. No more of that. 

Being thoughtful unfortunately will be a new habit I have to squeeze into former workholic space. Overworkingis not an easy bad habit to break. 

Im thinking for today of picking up a few groceries, a honey do or two, hugs, kisses, an I love you, plan and cook dinner, fill the window washer fluid, check oil, clean car today. 

We held hands last night and talked, She liked that. 

Had a nice deep connection in the intimacy department. So much nicer than usual. I am blessed that what is supposed to work actually does work. She is a naturally warm person but I stoke the flame or I dont. She thrives from it. She deserves my best. Trying to commit commit commit to an always thoughtful romance habit. I am excited to keep things going and firm things up and provide her what she deserves that I have neglected several times. so tired of the back slide and letting the inner glow go out under complacency.

I also get motivated by stories here of hsubands that took too long. I know I am replaceable by Joe Sauve. It is very humbling to read about marriage that went bad because husbands didnt keep up pursuit and or wives didnt have the ability or comprehension to get them on track. I will leave no hole unfilled and I still know its no guarantee but I dont want it to be my fault.

I am so so grateful I have no mystery to solve because she reacts normally to romance and pursuit. So many others try so hard and it just doent work. That is where I am lucky if I maintain it. 

Back sliding suuuuuuuccccckkkkks. Recovery is the bomb!!!


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## BellaLuna (Mar 3, 2013)

How about bringing home a nice bottle of wine & pouring her a glass while she is cooking dinner & telling you about her day.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

More importantly, be consistent. Once you decide to give all these extra effort for your wife, be sure you could keep it up till the end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr Used To Know said:


> so thats it? no secret formula?


The two books that were posted to you are the secret forumula. REad them. do what they say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now once you read the secret formula you could use ideas...

Does she like to take baths? Occasionally start a nice bath for her and poor her a class of wine. Tell her to go relax while you fix lunch or dinner. When she gets out go in there and pat her dry (or lick her dry).

You could also buy some nice bath salts or oils for her. Or make edible ones in a fancy bottle.. apricot oil, sugar and vanilla beans is a good one.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> lick her dry


Best suggestion so far. LOL


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Make sure that you get at least 15 hours a week with her, just the two of you doing things that you enjoy.

Maybe sign up for some class together.. like a ball room dance class, or suba diving. Learning together is a great way to bond.

Then you can use this new activity as themes for vacations. Go suba diving in the Bahamas. Or travel to ball room dance conventions. Find somthing to do together that both of you like.


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## helenab (Mar 11, 2013)

ince the beginning of the year, my husband has made a concerted effort to be the man of the house, he has stepped up to his responsibilities as a husband. That doesn't mean he's all caught up with the honey-do list. He is acting for the first time in a long time that he appreciates me. I can see the love in his eyes. Its not about the gift giving, its the effort. The one thing that he has done and I am very flattered and appreciative in return is a postcard that he leaves on the front table every morning. EVERY morning. The postcard is usually of art deco art because that is what I like--fashion illustrations from the 1920's. On the back, he writes some little something. "You are my princess." "I will miss you today." "You take my senses away." and on more than one occasion a simple, "I love you." Sometimes something much more torrid (but not lewd). To know that he loves me that way, keeps me going all day, and it makes me wait for him to walk thru the door at night with great anticipation. He says it has been hard for him to open up to me and we've been married 24 years. But after all this time, he wants more. You've got quite a list and you said you had trouble with consistency. Don't overwhelm yourself. Start simple and build on your successes. Recommit to her and ask her could she do the same for you. Working on it together is the only way. He's been reading lots too about men and their response to women. And I have had to do my part. At his request, I read The Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. And we've both read For Men Only and For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn. Don't feel guilty. Go to work!


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Mr Used To Know said:


> Ladies,
> 
> My marriage sucks and its my fault so I need to start
> 
> ...


Did your marriage suck because you failed to do the things on this list?


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## portabledorothy (Mar 19, 2013)

Firstly, I just want to say thank you for wanting to step up and be a good husband for your wife and caring so deeply about her. 

Secondly, I understand about the workaholic thing. Sometimes when my boyfriend and I are both home, I sit down and start working away on my computer while still "listening" to him. We started doing this wonderful thing where if he wants my attention and he sees me doing that, he'll sit down on the floor near me. It's his quiet way of saying he wants my attention, so I get off the computer and sit on his lap. This way we can fully engage with one another, talk, make out, etc. It always changes my mood and lets us take the time we deserve through silent signals without frustration. 

Not sure if that's helpful?


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You caught on to everything when you added the physical not sexual intimacy. Hugging, kissing, holding hands. When you added that to your already great list you got a bulls eye.


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