# How to deal with different incomes and power in the household



## little.queen.513 (Jul 14, 2011)

My boyfriend and I have been looking forward to moving in together for a long time. Our relationship has always been very loving and gentle. We disagree on a few things, as many couples do, but there is one topic that is very difficult for us. When I first met him I had just graduated from college, getting a worthless degree and diving into a pathetic job market. I will admit that at that time I was a marijuana smoker. I do not want to spark a completely different debate here, but you have to know what I'm talking about to understand this post. 
A few months into the relationship he confided that he was not comfortable with me smoking so I stoped. Some background to his story is that he has had girlfriends in the past that smoked and they cheated on him, therefore he associates weed with those horrible experiences.
I haven't done it since then but the other night we were having a discussion and I said that I hoped someday when we live together that he could try it with me. He then got very serious, almost mean, and said that I WOULD NOT smoke weed in HIS house. 
At this point I was very hurt and confused. I don't remember us ever discussing living in a house that was "his." I want to live in our home. I feel like all of my nieve dreams have gone out the window. What else will he say that I can't do in "his" house? How can I contest anything he says when I know that his income will always be higher than mine. The saying "money is power" keeps coming into my head.
I love him dearly and would do anything for him, but I don't want to be in a relationship where he holds all the power. I honestly don't know what to do because I've never been at this point in a relationship. Considering the statistics about how men earn more that women I know that there must been some ladies out there who have some advice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are a lot of red flags here.

Sounds like the weed smoking is a dealbreaker to him. If you aren't willing to compromise, you are going to have a bad relationship in the long run.

Also calling his degree worthless sounds like you resent him a little bit.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> There are a lot of red flags here.
> 
> Sounds like the weed smoking is a dealbreaker to him. If you aren't willing to compromise, you are going to have a bad relationship in the long run.
> 
> Also calling his degree worthless sounds like you resent him a little bit.


I believe she was speaking about her own degree. He probably has strong feelings against the pot smoking and so feels strongly that his house. He most likely doesn't mean that its not "our house" just that its His too and she feels very strongly about it. 

This is a stretch but stay with me, if I am disagreeing with my wife about something to do regarding our kids, I might say something like "My kids will not be dressing like that". I don't mean that they aren't her kids too.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with Incognitoman. He said his house, but the message wasn't who's house it is. The message is he doesn't want to be married to someone who smokes pot (anywhere). If you want to smoke pot, don't marry this man.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I agree with Incognitoman. He said his house, but the message wasn't who's house it is. The message is he doesn't want to be married to someone who smokes pot (anywhere). If you want to smoke pot, don't marry this man.


I agree with this. He's told up upfront that smoking pot is a dealbreaker. Either agree to those terms or find someone else.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I'm not sure this is about differences in incomes and power, as much as it is a difference in values and lifestyle preferences.

I wouldn't see this as any different than someone who doesn't want to live with a (cigarette) smoker. And, trying to convince someone to start smoking because you do, can fall on deaf ears.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Aside from what the others are saying about pot smoking, I challenge the notion that income equals power in a relationship. I would not choose to be in a relationship in which power was even a thought. The spirit of win win and compromise should prevail in my opinion. I think you need to examine if that is operational in your relationship or if you are making an assumption.


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