# anyone else's Kid's make you feel guilty?



## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

My 5 year old keeps asking "why can't you and daddy just get back together?" and then yesterday, she said to the babysitter "I slept in my own bed because I'm trying to get mommy and daddy to stay together". (fyi - we are trying to R, so I've been staying in our house more often than not).
What have ya'll done about this?? I know there's gotta be other people dealing with this!! It's making me feel so bad about all this. But I know I shouldn't stay somewhere that I'm not happy......


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Can you give more info? What were the reasons for your wanting to leave the marriage? Have you seen a marriage counselor?

Your son's reaction is normal, and his saying "I'm trying to get..." is his way of dealing with the situation and trying to be part of the solution. That's very sweet, but I know it must also be difficult on you.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

I had been thinking of leaving for a couple years, then after I had an EA, I knew that whether or not I had someone, I needed to be happy and my daughter have a healthy upbringing. My H drank A LOT, he also put everyone in front and his family on the back burner (I knew this from the beginning, but thought maybe it would change when the baby came. It didn't). He knows it was wrong and he apologizes for it now. I haven't spoke with the OM from my EA. 
We have been in R mode since Thanksgiving. My feelings haven't felt any better. We tried counseling, didn't go well for either of us. We actually communicate better now than ever before. Our daughter is both of our #1 priority through all these bumps.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

NotSoSureYet said:


> My 5 year old keeps asking "why can't you and daddy just get back together?" and then yesterday, she said to the babysitter "I slept in my own bed because I'm trying to get mommy and daddy to stay together".:


I don't have any sage advice, but I just wanted to point out a flashing red light for me. When your daughter says that she slept in her own bed to get you to stay together, I worry that this is a sign that she's feeling guilty that perhaps her behaviors (sleeping in your bed, perhaps) helped cause the rift between you and H. I just want to make sure you see that so you can reassure her that it's not her fault.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

At that age it is very normal for her to feel at fault for what is happening around her. It is the stage of development.

All you can really do is reassure her that the separation/divorce/relationship issues are not her fault and that you and H love her no matter what and will always be there for her.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

My kids also act differently, it's normal for them to want to fix things. My son never wants to buy anything for himself since he's become aware his dad doesn't pay child support, he said if he doesn't need anything I won't worry about money and be mad at dad since he doesn't give me any. (he overheard a conversation that he shouldn't have and I explained he will always be taken care that is not something he needs to worry about)


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Thanks for the input!! One thing that we make sure of is that we talk to her about our separating and that it isn't her fault or a result of anything she has done. I make it a regular topic of conversation to let her know that she can ask us anything, anytime. 
I just get really uncomfortable when my H looks at me after our daughter says, "just get together guys". It really sucks.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Being that my kids are pretty much grown they have handled things somewhat differently. My DD, now 18, asked me "why would you want a cheater back, Mom?" These words said in reference to her own father. 

DS, newlywed and expecting his first child soon, prefers to just not even talk about or even to his dad. When asked if he had spoken to him recently, he replied "why? So he can ***** at me about money?" Both kids just don't even bring up Lieceratops rarely, if at all, and neither do I. They understand but yet they don't, if that makes any sense.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You said you've been in R mode and your feelings haven't changed.

Are you receiving any affection from your husband? Is he doing all he can? I just want to know which party is less emotionally vested.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

It's kinda funny you bring that up.....I actually talked to him about affection and that I need him to show me he loves me. He just says that he isn't a really lovey/touchy guy - and that I knew that from the beginning. He is trying to change some things like he is slowing his drinking and not away from home all the time, but it doesn't seem to make a diff to me anymore. I feel horrible about it, but I just keep 'trying' to feel better towards him.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Well it's easy to see that deep down you still don't want to believe whatever positive energy you're getting from him. You're simply deflecting the good and absorbing the bad which makes things feel "blah".

I'm afraid as much as your husband might be the problem, part of the problem is your own reservation to trust him. You definitely have your reasons for this, but that doesn't mean it's constructive to allow it to resurface again and again. 

Try to dive deep into your heart and forgive your husband for every thing he has done. Love him for the little boy inside his big body and then see if you still want him out of your life. This may take a long time and lots of awakening, but it's the most wonderful feeling to be able to love people without any reservation. 

I'm not saying you will stay together, but you do need to find peace with your feelings for your husband. You are half of the equation and should do your own soul searching without expecting him to do the same for now. Be the better human being. You will need this in your next relationships anyway, otherwise they will all end up being the same.


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

Hi,

I've been separated from my husbands for 15 months now and my daughter still makes me feel guilty. From being a non existent father coming home at 2am. After I've left him he comes home at 8 pm and takes her form me daily.

I think by ex is filling her head with ****. He's quite manipulative and I think he's brainwashing my daughter into thinking I'm the bad one who left them. She keeps asking me to come home.

Every time I have a fight with my daughter even if it has nothing to do with being separated she would bring up "You must come home and live with us".

I'm working mum and that already makes me feel guilty. So I crumble every time she tells me to go back home or threatens me saying I'm never going to stay with you. 

I still haven't figured it out. Bu tI understand


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

Fatimam - sorry to hear that you believe your H is telling your daughter things like that. I know that is the number one issue that wee are in total agreement over! We don't want her to have to stress out because of our issues. We want as little impact as possible. My parents D when I was 7 & my mom STILL talks bad about my dad - and it was over 25 years ago!! Ridiculous!


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## fatimam (Jan 19, 2012)

NotSoSureYet, I agree 100%. He claims that he isn't warping her young mind. But he's a controlling man and he even has me believing that I was such a terrible wife and mother.

My sister said to me if he could warp your mind, and I was a strong and semi confident woman, imagine what he'll do to my 5 year old daughter.

I refuse to tell her bad things about her father. But he doesn't pay in kind. He tells her things and it drives a wedge between myself and my daughter.

He scares me cos I don't know, he has the power to destroy me.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

fatimam said:


> NotSoSureYet, I agree 100%. He claims that he isn't warping her young mind. But he's a controlling man and he even has me believing that I was such a terrible wife and mother.
> 
> My sister said to me if he could warp your mind, and I was a strong and semi confident woman, imagine what he'll do to my 5 year old daughter.
> 
> ...


Just make sure you stay a great mom when you have your daughter. Kids do see what is happening. I remember never totally believing what my mom would say about my dad. Hopefully your daughter has an older cousin/relative/friend that she plays with (on your side) that can talk to her and keep her in lone. Otherwise, if I were you, I'd get her in a counselor or church program that she can talk to others that will talk to you about how she's doing and if he's being manipulative.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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