# My wife avoids conversation or sex



## rmak (4 mo ago)

For the past several months since my wife had a new job, I've been noticing that she seldom converses with me the way she used to do before. Also, I always initiate sex with her, and I do the foreplay stuff to bring her to the orgasm. She is least bothered about my arousal. We are picking more fights, have arguments over little things more frequently nowadays and I know it is all because of my frustration that she has embedded in me with her less interest in intimacy for months. I lost my parent 2 months ago and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless which she refuses to do so bluntly saying that she can't sacrifice her sleep even in the weekends. I am 41 and she is 38. It has been six years for our marriage, and we have two little kids, five- and three-year-old.


----------



## elliblue (7 mo ago)

rmak said:


> I lost my parent 2 months ago and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless


Sorry for you loss!
It sounds your situation is putting a lot of wait onto your wifes shoulders. You seem to need to see a doctor, if after 2 month you're grief is disabling you from working. 
I don't want to be disrespectful, but you're a grown up man. The death of your parents or one shouldn't effect you in such way for two months.
What was the cause of death? I mwan was it such a horrible traumatising cause of death like a hprroble acciddnt you did vitness?

Your wife gave you two children who are still very young. I assune she also did take care of them while you were going to work. And now your unable and she has to take care of the finances, the household, the children and of your needs???
And you can't work, but you still crave intimacy and sex? 
What are you providing your wife with?
It seems like any balance between giving and taking isn't existing at all in your marriage.

At least your not forcing her, but it sounds you see yoir wife as some sort of servant because you were spoiled as a child by your parents.

Did you by any chance grew up being taking care of by your mother and in addition to it by servants?
Did you have to do anything on your own when you grew up or was there always someone doing everything for you?
This is a serious questions as this would explain your situation and grief issues. You remind me of a couple of people I met, rhat grew up with servants and ended up extremly unable to cope with stress and unable take care of themselves always expecring other to serve their needs.
Not in a mean way. To them it was just normal.
Your case sounds a bit like this...

Anyway, the issue is you at the moment I am afraid. Take some time and think about what your wife needs.
Don't be sad anymore about your parent. He or she is now in a better place in peace. Soon or later parents die and after two months you are still entitled to grief, but you should not throw away your life. It is also OK to seek psychological assistence if the grief is too much to bare. But just don't let the grief ruin your life or your marriage.

But seriously, if you can get up asking for sex, you are fit enough to go to work.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

You need to see a Dr. Right away. If your so depressed that you cannot work...sooner or later your wife will tire of taking care of you. She's not your mom.
Get some help from a professional


----------



## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

For starters, I am sorry for your loss. Losing someone close to you is never easy. I've been there and it sucks. Now I've got some harsh truths for you. Some of this might not be fun to hear but it's reality and I don't wanna blow smoke up your butt just to look like a good guy. That doesn't help you. Here goes.

There is a time limit on grief. It sounds ridiculous but it's true. When you have something devastating happen to you, you're gonna grieve and that's normal. The problem comes in when you're here months later still crying to your friends and family about how sad you are. I have a friend that spent a full year or more talking about her dead grandma almost every day and people started to avoid her. Everyone has problems in their life and your friends and family should be supportive but there are limits. I'm thinking you reached yours a while back.

Your wife is losing her attraction for you because of your behavior. You've spent months now laying around, not working, skipping housework, and just being plain needy to your wife. This isn't going to sound very "modern" of me but women are attracted to strong, capable men. It's your job to be there for your wife, you shouldn't be begging for hugs at night because you're sad. Your behavior is going to kill all attraction she might have for you if you keep it up. You should not be asking your wife to give up on sleep at night because you need hugs. Ever. All of this needs to stop, like yesterday.

This is the best advice I have for you. All of that stuff you don't feel like doing because you're sad, do it anyway. Go back to work. Go back to doing the same housework you did before. I know you're sad but you're still physically capable of doing these things, so force yourself to do them. Stop acting sad in front of your wife while you're at it. Stop asking for late night hugs. Stop asking to get laid. Start pulling your weight again, basically. You're still gonna be sad, but like they say, "fake it until you make it." I'd suggest finding an outlet for your grief. Something productive like a new project at home or a new exercise routine. If your wife asks about the new project, do NOT say it is an outlet for your grief. Just say you remember her saying she wanted an island in the kitchen (if there was something like that she ever mentioned.) Anything like that, do it. Stop expecting your wife to take care of you because you're sad. 

You're still gonna feel sad but you have to stop living sad. One day you might break and cry in the car on the way home from work or something. Clean off your face, take 5 minutes to gather yourself, and go home like it never happened. We are all dealing with something and in the end, it's up to each of us to deal with it individually. I can tell you this much though, if you keep going the way you're going, your wife will lose all attraction for you and one day you might have a divorce to be sad about too. In short, toughen up. Grieve when no one is around and don't expect your wife to be your rock, you're supposed to be hers.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

First exercise is a natural anti-depressant. Yes, you need help and support. Your wife has a new job and two young children, she also needs help. Is there anyway you can afford someone to come in a clean and do laundry once a week or every other week? Is there some way you can turn making frozen dinners a week at a time into a family project you do on the weekends? Is there a way you can take the kids out for walks, or two a swimming class one or two days a week so she can get some rest?

By all means go see a doctor about depression. 

Good luck. You have a marriage in crisis and neither seems to want to go the extra mile to help the other.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

elliblue said:


> Sorry for you loss!
> It sounds your situation is putting a lot of wait onto your wifes shoulders. You seem to need to see a doctor, if after 2 month you're grief is disabling you from working.
> I don't want to be disrespectful, but you're a grown up man. The death of your parents or one shouldn't effect you in such way for two months.
> What was the cause of death? I mwan was it such a horrible traumatising cause of death like a hprroble acciddnt you did vitness?
> ...


You lost me at "the death of your parent shouldn't effect you in such a way for two months"?????

The man just lost a parent and he's grieving. He should be fine after two months???

Have some compassion for the man for crying out loud.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

As a person who recently lost his father I can tell you that you need to get over it. A total loss of the ability to function in life is not a healthy response to such a situation. You are a grown up and not a child. It is no wonder your wife has had enough of you. You can’t place the entire burden of your reaction on to the shoulders of your wife. That isn’t fair. It is time to be a productive human again.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

sideways said:


> You lost me at "the death of your parent shouldn't effect you in such a way for two months"?????
> 
> The man just lost a parent and he's grieving. He should be fine after two months???
> 
> Have some compassion for the man for crying out loud.


The complete inability to function isn’t an adult response.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Sorry for you loss!
> It sounds your situation is putting a lot of wait onto your wifes shoulders. You seem to need to see a doctor, if after 2 month you're grief is disabling you from working.
> I don't want to be disrespectful, but you're a grown up man. The death of your parents or one shouldn't effect you in such way for two months.
> What was the cause of death? I mwan was it such a horrible traumatising cause of death like a hprroble acciddnt you did vitness?
> ...


Thanks for giving your time to be here with me at this testing moment.
I lost my dad 12 years ago; he had a heart attack and now it's my mom and it has shattered me altogether.
Prior to the passing of my parent, I had been supportive even though I was doing most of the house chores myself. I would cook for myself and kids whenever she used to be late in attending parties or events after work. Before I wanted her to spend private time together once a week especially when kids were asleep, but she avoided it intentionally by showing me that she's exhausted or lying on bed with her mobile phone holding it in front of her face all the time and whenever there was a call from her sibling or mother or anyone from her office she would get up like a flash as if some magic tonic had been pumped into her blood.
My mother was bedridden for almost two years, and I was the only one to look after her. The caretaker/nurse would do the jobs like washing and feeding but still I had to give her time and take her outside for the checkups.
Just recently I wanted to talk to my wife when she came back home after visiting her family on Saturday's night, and yet again she showed me no interest in any kind of conversation.
I have grown up in different cultures that means we had been immigrating from one country to another from time to time. I have spent my childhood both in crisis and luxury and started doing full time job when I was 15.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rmak said:


> For the past several months since my wife had a new job, I've been noticing that she seldom converses with me the way she used to do before. Also, I always initiate sex with her, and I do the foreplay stuff to bring her to the orgasm. She is least bothered about my arousal. We are picking more fights, have arguments over little things more frequently nowadays and I know it is all because of my frustration that she has embedded in me with her less interest in intimacy for months. I lost my parent 2 months ago and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless which she refuses to do so bluntly saying that she can't sacrifice her sleep even in the weekends. I am 41 and she is 38. It has been six years for our marriage, and we have two little kids, five- and three-year-old.


Why are you broken? You saying you need support hugs all the time is kind of off putting even to read.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

rmak said:


> Thanks for giving your time to be here with me at this testing moment.
> I lost my dad 12 years ago; he had a heart attack and now it's my mom and it has shattered me altogether.
> Prior to the passing of my parent, I had been supportive even though I was doing most of the house chores myself. I would cook for myself and kids whenever she used to be late in attending parties or events after work. Before I wanted her to spend private time together once a week especially when kids were asleep, but she avoided it intentionally by showing me that she's exhausted or lying on bed with her mobile phone holding it in front of her face all the time and whenever there was a call from her sibling or mother or anyone from her office she would get up like a flash as if some magic tonic had been pumped into her blood.
> My mother was bedridden for almost two years, and I was the only one to look after her. The caretaker/nurse would do the jobs like washing and feeding but still I had to give her time and take her outside for the checkups.
> ...


You are going to lose your wife. And you may have already but don't know it yet.

Tragedy, loss, and grief hits us all. I lost my wife way before her time, and both my parents.

But your responsibilities toward your family don't stop when bad things happen.
Take time to grieve, sure. But you have to find the strength to be a man to your family, you can't just put that on hold for months at a time.

Is all this worth losing your wife over?
Cause that's where this is going.
Snap out of it.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I disagree on their being a grief time limit, I do however believe there comes a point where you have to make the conscious effort to pull yourself out of it and function. No one can do that for you? Including your wife.

I understand not wanting to sacrifice sleep for sex, because I was the only one to ever get up with my now 5 year old. My husband never and I do mean never help, with the exception of a few days about month after I had him when my back went out and I couldn’t lift him out of his crib or lay him down in it. 

Maybe you have older children, but if she is baring the brunt of the home, working and generally keeping things going during your grief, well, I’m not sure what you expect out of her?


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> You need to see a Dr. Right away. If your so depressed that you cannot work...sooner or later your wife will tire of taking care of you. She's not your mom.
> Get some help from a professional


Thanks for your friendly advice!
My blood pressure went up to 240/130. I was taken to emergency, my sister took me there, had all checkups and the results were all normal. Stress!!! Especially due to my wife's behavior at this very moment. She couldn't even give an ear to listen to my words. She is not struggling, she is fine.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

rmak said:


> Thanks for your friendly advice!
> My blood pressure went up to 240/130. I was taken to emergency, my sister took me there, had all checkups and the results were all normal. Stress!!! Especially due to my wife's behavior at this very moment. She couldn't even give an ear to listen to my words. She is not struggling, she is fine.


Why do you feel she isn’t struggling? And what stress are you experiencing. Look… I am coming out six months after losing my husband to suicide. Loss is hard, parents passing is a part of life.

I actively choose daily not to wallow in self pitydue to my circumstances and my circumstances aren’t easy. So this is NOT your wife’s fight dude. It’s just not. YOU have to seek help and I’m not talking about your wife being your listener ear.

While our partner should be a safe space to vent, there are somethings they just should have to bear. How do you know she’s not struggling. Do you mean she’s not struggling with the loss of her in law? Do you mean, you think she has it easy in your household therefor she isn’t struggling? I’m looking for better context.

A listening ear and sex is not going to fix what you have going on.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

First of all, sorry for your loss... it's never easy.

It seems to me that your wife never liked you that much in the first place and now you are further burdening her with your grief and depression and wanting hugs and she has no time for that. She is annoyed. She probably thinks you are a wimp and should stick to your primary role: being a servant in the house. Don't take it personally. I think you are a good man and your wife is wrong.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are going to lose your wife. And you may have already but don't know it yet.
> 
> Tragedy, loss, and grief hits us all. I lost my wife way before her time, and both my parents.
> 
> ...


About time this was put out there. 👍


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Do you have a real job …. ever ?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> First of all, sorry for your loss... it's never easy.
> 
> It seems to me that your wife never liked you that much in the first place and now you are further burdening her with your grief and depression and wanting hugs and she has no time for that. She is annoyed. She probably thinks you are a wimp and should stick to your primary role: being a servant in the house. Don't take it personally. I think you are a good man and your wife is wrong.


Still a little wimpy....🙄


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Still a little wimpy....🙄


well, he lost his mother two months ago, so it's still a bit raw. I'm giving the OP some slack.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> As a person who recently lost his father I can tell you that you need to get over it. A total loss of the ability to function in life is not a healthy response to such a situation. You are a grown up and not a child. It is no wonder your wife has had enough of you. You can’t place the entire burden of your reaction on to the shoulders of your wife. That isn’t fair. It is time to be a productive human again.


"You need to get over it"???

After two months?

I know quite a few people who if you said that to them would knock you on your @$$!!


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

sideways said:


> "You need to get over it"???
> 
> After two months?
> 
> I know quite a few people who if you said that to them would knock you on your @$$!!


Yea, "get over it" enough to be a functioning person.
Grief can last for years and no one is saying it's wrong to grieve for as long as it takes.

But life doesn't stop. A person still has to work or feed their kids or whatever life situation they have. 

And right now, OP is self-wallowing and his wife is getting tired of that.
If he doesn't pull out of it, he will be alone and even more miserable, possibly even worse.

When you're in hell, staying in one spot and self-pitying your situation is a death sentence.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

rmak said:


> *For the past several months* since my wife had a new job, I've been noticing that she seldom converses with me the way she used to do before. Also, I always initiate sex with her, and I do the foreplay stuff to bring her to the orgasm. She is least bothered about my arousal. We are picking more fights, have arguments over little things more frequently nowadays and I know it is all because of my frustration that she has embedded in me with her less interest in intimacy for months. *I lost my parent 2 months ago *and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless which she refuses to do so bluntly saying that she can't sacrifice her sleep even in the weekends. I am 41 and she is 38. It has been six years for our marriage, and we have two little kids, five- and three-year-old.


So, did her acting like this come before you lost your mom and fell into this depression?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, "get over it" enough to be a functioning person.
> Grief can last for years and no one is saying it's wrong to grieve for as long as it takes.
> 
> But life doesn't stop. A person still has to work or feed their kids or whatever life situation they have.
> ...


I understand that he's allowing his grief to cripple himself to an extent that it's affecting his ability to function. HOWEVER, telling someone to "get over it" is PATHETIC. Especially after only TWO MONTHS???

Someone that has an OUNCE of compassion would have the intellect to realize there's a much better way to convey the message.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

bobert said:


> So, did her acting like this come before you lost your mom and fell into this depression?


He lost hid dad 12 years ago and his mother 2 months ago... so, I would have thought so.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> He lost hid dad 12 years ago and his mother 2 months ago... so, I would have thought so.


Then all the comments about how unmanly he is doesn't have much to do with his current issue with his wife, seeing as he used to do all the chores, etc and she scrolled away on her phone.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> well, he lost his mother two months ago, so it's still a bit raw. I'm giving the OP some slack.


I dig that.
OP must not realize these phases in life are the same in everyone's life.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> Then all the comments about how unmanly he is doesn't have much to do with his current issue with his wife, seeing as he used to do all the chores, etc and she scrolled away on her phone.


If he's the maid that's a whole additional problem.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

bobert said:


> Then all the comments about how unmanly he is doesn't have much to do with his current issue with his wife, seeing as he used to do all the chores, etc and she scrolled away on her phone.


I completely expect his wife has moved on to greener pastures, the red flags are there.
But until OP pulls his head out, he's not going to face that.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

sideways said:


> You lost me at "the death of your parent shouldn't effect you in such a way for two months"?????
> 
> The man just lost a parent and he's grieving. He should be fine after two months???
> 
> Have some compassion for the man for crying out loud.


I don’t think anyone said that OP should be FINE after 2 months. The point is that he needs to be FUNCTIONAL.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Mr.Married said:



The complete inability to function isn’t an adult response.

Click to expand...

*I couldn't agree more. There are those posters who think you're not being 'compassionate' enough because you're not *encouraging* the OP to continue wallowing.

We all lose our parents eventually, but it's not an excuse to become completely paralyzed for months with no end in sight as the OP has done - while expecting his wife to function FOR him.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> Then all the comments about how unmanly he is doesn't have much to do with his current issue with his wife, seeing as he used to do all the chores, etc and she scrolled away on her phone.


If he was doing all the household chores like a good little houseboy in a maids outfit that's a major contributor to his W losing respect. Say what you will, it's a fact.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he was doing all the household chores like a good little houseboy in a maids outfit that's a major contributor to his W losing respect. Say what you will, it's a fact.


I think he said "most", I spoke for him and said all. So I guess it would depend on the division breakdown, including who did the childcare.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sideways said:


> "You need to get over it"???
> 
> After two months?
> 
> I know quite a few people who if you said that to them would knock you on your @$$!!


You need to get through it, without whining, otherwise how can you help others. 

Getting over it can take time. Getting through it like a grown man should be accomplished without crumbling.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I couldn't agree more. There are those posters who think you're not being 'compassionate' enough because you're not *encouraging* the OP to continue wallowing.
> 
> We all lose our parents eventually, but it's not an excuse to become completely paralyzed like the OP has done and his wife to function FOR him.


Did anyone (or I) say they should be "encouraging" the OP (or anyone that lost a loved one)???????

Saying "get over it" after two months? 

When I lost both of my parents thank God NOBODY ever said "get over it" to me. Obviously OP is allowing his grief to cripple himself. Can think of a thousand other things to say to someone doing this to themselves and trust me it wouldn't be "GET OVER IT".


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I may not be empathetic but I’m usually on point.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I can see both sides. Not enough info to determine if your wife has always been cold and showed no compassion towards you losing your mother, or if you not functioning just got old. If she showed little to no empathy the entire time, then she is in the wrong. Part of marriage is the ability to lean on our partners during rough times, so there's that side of it.

But, if you are laying around like an amoeba during the day, and then suddenly ''come alive'' when you want sex...that could be a large part of the problem.

You need to discuss with your wife where the future is heading...if she doesn't want to stay with you, then she needs to say that. Giving you the cold shoulder isn't the answer. And you need to start improving the quality of your life...getting back into an active lifestyle again. Things may improve naturally, as she sees you making the effort. 

But, you can't expect to stay in the current situation, and she's going to get excited to have sex with you. 

Sorry about your losses, grief is hard. But it is manageable, if you try to manage it. 💙


----------



## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I agree with most here and I don’t think the get over it was meant literally, but if an adult is unable to function in the most basic parts of life, that’s beyond how the vast majority of people cope. I lost my beloved and cherished father nearly 9 years ago. I actively feel that loss every day. I will never get over it. But I functioned. I had 2 young children, a husband, a home and a job. I never became a lump on the couch. I might have been crying while unloading the dishwasher, and definitely balling while driving to work a week later, but continued my responsibilities. I think that’s what most people are saying. I feel like we need info on how the marriage was, and it’s structure, going back before the death/long illness of his beloved mom. The way this reads now is that she is completely disengaged from the marriage and that doesn’t happen over night. I’m truly sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved parent is absolutely profound and you have my deepest condolences. But it is time to get up and fake it. Laying ALL responsibilities at your wife’s feet is just pushing her out the door. She’s got to be exhausted, and probably angry.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bear in mind most responses are from people who have lived through the parents passing season of life and are speaking from experience. Parse what you will word-wise but a person usually doesn't crumble and stay in a fetal position for months, it's not healthy at all.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You need to get through it, without whining, otherwise how can you help others.
> 
> Getting over it can take time. Getting through it like a grown man should be accomplished without crumbling.


Totally agree with what you just said. How about conveying exactly that to OP (and someone else being crippled by grief) instead of telling them to "get over it".


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sideways said:


> Totally agree with what you just said. How about conveying exactly that to OP (and someone else being crippled by grief) instead of telling them to "get over it".


It's not self explanatory?

I try to not treat people like children.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I've seen people in this type of depression. It usually requires hospitalization and meds to break them out if it


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You are going to lose your wife. And you may have already but don't know it yet.
> 
> Tragedy, loss, and grief hits us all. I lost my wife way before her time, and both my parents.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he was losing his wife before this and now it’s just accelerating.

Being the maid and the nanny - not attractive
Asking for / nagging about sex - not attractive
Being passive in general - not attractive
Becoming non-functional over the loss of a parent - not attractive
Needing constant hugs and support from her -not attractive

his wife is clearly not attracted to him, doesn’t want to have sex with him, apparently barely wants to talk to him. And it likely stems from a general lack of respect for him. And it started a long time before his mom died.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

rmak said:


> For the past several months since my wife had a new job, I've been noticing that she seldom converses with me the way she used to do before. Also, I always initiate sex with her, and I do the foreplay stuff to bring her to the orgasm. She is least bothered about my arousal. We are picking more fights, have arguments over little things more frequently nowadays and I know it is all because of my frustration that she has embedded in me with her less interest in intimacy for months. I lost my parent 2 months ago and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless which she refuses to do so bluntly saying that she can't sacrifice her sleep even in the weekends. I am 41 and she is 38. It has been six years for our marriage, and we have two little kids, five- and three-year-old.


Gotta ask the question. Does she go out alot? Drinks with coworkers or friends?


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Sounds like he was losing his wife before this and now it’s just accelerating.
> 
> Being the maid and the nanny - not attractive
> Asking for / nagging about sex - not attractive
> ...


And It seems to have gotten worse in the last couple of months.
Just when she started a new job.
And just when OP went into a funk.

2+2


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

elliblue said:


> Sorry for you loss!
> It sounds your situation is putting a lot of wait onto your wifes shoulders. You seem to need to see a doctor, if after 2 month you're grief is disabling you from working.
> I don't want to be disrespectful, but you're a grown up man. The death of your parents or one shouldn't effect you in such way for two months.
> What was the cause of death? I mwan was it such a horrible traumatising cause of death like a hprroble acciddnt you did vitness?
> ...


"Don't be sad anymore about your parent". Wow!!

TL; DR version:

Men are not allowed to grieve. Your wife finds this behavior very unattractive. It is not masculine.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

There is a lot of previous history we don't know. To me, it sounds his wife is fed up with the OP, whatever the reason, even if he is probably in charge of all the chores. There is more to this than just grieving too much.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> "Don't be sad anymore about your parent". Wow!!
> 
> TL; DR version:
> 
> Men are not allowed to grieve. Your wife finds this behavior very unattractive. It is not masculine.


You don’t understand anything anyone has said.

Of course he is sad and should grieve. But he still needs to be functional. It’s expected.

Grieving is not unattractive or un-masculine. Falling apart and being non-functional for 2 months and counting is.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> "Don't be sad anymore about your parent". Wow!!
> 
> TL; DR version:
> 
> Men are not allowed to grieve. Your wife finds this behavior very unattractive. It is not masculine.


If grieving freezes and cripples one, they're grieving abnormally at least for a guy.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Ok so....we should not be putting parameters around how a guy should grieve. If anything, maybe just encourage OP to get help but do not judge how another person experiences loss.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> Ok so....we should not be putting parameters around how a guy should grieve. If anything, maybe just encourage OP to get help but do not judge how another person experiences loss.


We are explaining to him how his wife (and others) are likely perceiving him. He needs to understand that reality because it’s affecting his already-strained marriage.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Why do you feel she isn’t struggling? And what stress are you experiencing. Look… I am coming out six months after losing my husband to suicide. Loss is hard, parents passing is a part of life.
> 
> I actively choose daily not to wallow in self pitydue to my circumstances and my circumstances aren’t easy. So this is NOT your wife’s fight dude. It’s just not. YOU have to seek help and I’m not talking about your wife being your listener ear.
> 
> ...


She is not struggling in any way her routine is set and she is least bothered just about everything about me. I understand thats not her problem, but all her problems are mine. I have learned and experienced for months that she only wants a functional man. Lack of communication, thats what I am experiencing now.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

rmak said:


> She is not struggling in any way her routine is set and she is least bothered just about everything about me. I understand thats not her problem, but all her problems are mine. I have learned and experienced for months that she only wants a functional man. Lack of communication, thats what I am experiencing now.


She shouldn't be married, then. Suppose you were in a car wreck and paralyzed? Or you have cancer someday? Of course, women want strong men, but you're human, and life happens sometimes.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

rmak said:


> For the past several months since my wife had a new job, I've been noticing that she seldom converses with me the way she used to do before. Also, I always initiate sex with her, and I do the foreplay stuff to bring her to the orgasm. She is least bothered about my arousal. We are picking more fights, have arguments over little things more frequently nowadays and I know it is all because of my frustration that she has embedded in me with her less interest in intimacy for months. I lost my parent 2 months ago and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless which she refuses to do so bluntly saying that she can't sacrifice her sleep even in the weekends. I am 41 and she is 38. It has been six years for our marriage, and we have two little kids, five- and three-year-old.


You can't expect someone to be happy about not working or doing house chores. 

I am so sorry you lost a parent and are depressed. Maybe you need to go get help for that and get back to work and doing your part. 

Once you do that then you can see if your sex life is permanently in the tank or not.

If you feel you can't do that then you need to go get professional help. You can do that online now. Do therapy with a psychologist online. 

But you need to get back to work before you can expect her to get back to normal.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

rmak said:


> She is not struggling in any way her routine is set and she is least bothered just about everything about me. I understand thats not her problem, but all her problems are mine. I have learned and experienced for months that she only wants a functional man. Lack of communication, thats what I am experiencing now.


I am going to take a shot in the dark here. I first lost my dad and then later I lost my mom. When she died, I felt in some respects that I no longer had family that could provide me unconditional love. My children needed my love. My wife was not at the time into giving me unconditional love, even my dog had died.

That thought and your discussion about doing all the chores reminded me of Glover's book, No More Mr. Nice Guy. Nice Guy's are all about being co-dependent on women, getting their emotional validation from women, and being into covert contracts that often are oriented around household chores. 

Part of you problem may be that you are a nice guy and no longer have a woman who will validate you, so you are emotionally a drift.

Again, I would recommend exercise, especially as a way of giving your wife a break by taking the kids out walking or carrying the youngest, although discuss it with you wife as an explicit contract where you are doing something with the kids, because you love her and want to give her some space and time for rest so she can take care of her self. Then ask her to cuddle with you and spend some time talk with you.

Good luck.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> You lost me at "the death of your parent shouldn't effect you in such a way for two months"?????
> 
> The man just lost a parent and he's grieving. He should be fine after two months???
> 
> Have some compassion for the man for crying out loud.


In my opinion you should be able to function after the death of a parent. Now if it was a big traumatic event that's different but he didn't say that.

I grieve most for my dogs and I can tell you that getting back to my work routine is my quickest way to recovery. Getting up out of the bed that is missing a dog to cuddle with in the morning is the best thing for it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sideways said:


> "You need to get over it"???
> 
> After two months?
> 
> I know quite a few people who if you said that to them would knock you on your @$$!!


It's not that you get over it. It's that you summon the maturity and discipline to do what you need to do through it because those are your responsibilities.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If he's the maid that's a whole additional problem.


Well except he's not working.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

sideways said:


> You lost me at "the death of your parent shouldn't effect you in such a way for two months"?????
> 
> The man just lost a parent and he's grieving. He should be fine after two months???
> 
> Have some compassion for the man for crying out loud.


Not being able to work for 2 months is way way outside of normal, not being able to help around the house still after 2 months. I don't think there are many woman who would not quickly lose attraction for their husbands with this going on. A week or two maybe, 2 months no. I have lost my father, I took 2 days off from work mainly to help my mother with stuff. If I sat around for 2 months crying I have to believe my wife would find that pathetic and I also think my father would have come back from the dead and slap me in the face. 

Sometimes people need to hear harsh truths to be shaken from emotional paralysis. Everything @Enigma32 said was 100% spot on. 

Very sorry for your loss OP but you need the get on with your life. Ask yourself what your mother/father would think if they saw you letting your life fall apart over their death. I seriously doubt they would be happy to see it.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

What I don't understand (well lots)

Losing a parent shouldn't debilitate you. Especially if you were the primary caregiver for 2 years as OP said. That means you knew it was coming. That means they've been sick.

You can certainly be sad. I still get sad that my mom died. She and I were best friends and she died in my house suddenly. It was hard.

But to stop functioning is kind of beyond. I am sure that after 2 months she is detaching.
It's one thing to need a rock. It's another to need a rock or an anchor for 2 months in which you have stopped being a partner.

Someone mentioned well what if you were paralyzed. 1st many spouses do abandon you if you get sick or injured. However this isn't that. This is a choice and if he's isn't choosing to wallow and he's so sad he can't work after 2 months he needs serious mental health help. He needs to go to the doctor, and he needs medication probably as well. This would be beyond what a partner could fix.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well except he's not working.


True. Hence, being the maid, still a problem.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Your mother would not want you to let your life come to a stop and destroy your marriage because you were grieving for her. How long you grieve is no measure of how much you loved someone. Honor your mother by doing your best.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

bobert said:


> So, did her acting like this come before you lost your mom and fell into this depression?


Yes. It has been going on since she had a new job and now it has gotten worst. She stopped intimacy all of sudden 10 months ago and now avoid even conversing.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Your mother would not want you to let your life come to a stop and destroy your marriage because you were grieving for her. How long you grieve is no measure of how much you loved someone. Honor your mother by doing your best.


Thank you for your encouraging words!!


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I can see both sides. Not enough info to determine if your wife has always been cold and showed no compassion towards you losing your mother, or if you not functioning just got old. If she showed little to no empathy the entire time, then she is in the wrong. Part of marriage is the ability to lean on our partners during rough times, so there's that side of it.
> 
> But, if you are laying around like an amoeba during the day, and then suddenly ''come alive'' when you want sex...that could be a large part of the problem.
> 
> ...


That was when she started doing job, her libido dropped to zero. Now, she doesn't even like to converse properly. I feel all alone helpless perhaps betrayed!


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

rmak said:


> She is not struggling in any way her routine is set and she is least bothered just about everything about me. I understand thats not her problem, but all her problems are mine. I have learned and experienced for months that she only wants a functional man. Lack of communication, thats what I am experiencing now.


When your mother past how was your wife in the days week immediately following? Was she at all supportive immediately following the loss? Your extended disfunction is not normal, but if she was not at all supportive even in the first days/weeks, that is also not normal behavior for a spouse.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> When your mother past how was your wife in the days week immediately following? Was she at all supportive immediately following the loss? Your extended disfunction is not normal, but if she was not at all supportive even in the first days/weeks, that is also not normal behavior for a spouse.


The bigger problem here is that his wife stopped having sex with him almost a year ago, right after she started a new job.
Clearly she lost attraction and respect for him then, which is now just further exacerbated by his lack of functionality following his mom‘s passing.
He had a dead bedroom before this recent issue and was clearly passive and without much power in his marriage in the first place for putting up with a dead bedroom for months already.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I lost both of my parents and it never occurred to me that not being a functioning adult was am option.

Get yourself to a doctor now... you have no business not working or contributing, leaving your wife to shoulder everything with 2 little kids, then whining thar she won't talk to or have sex with you. 

Losing parents sucks but it happens to all of us, unless the kid dies first and that's just wrong. Imagine if everyone who lost a parent just stopped working and contributing.

If your wife dumps you the you'll have to get a job.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> The bigger problem here is that his wife stopped having sex with him almost a year ago, right after she started a new job.
> Clearly she lost attraction and respect for him then, which is now just further exacerbated by his lack of functionality following his mom‘s passing.
> He had it dead bedroom before this recent issue and was clearly passive and without much power in his marriage in the first place for putting up with a dead bedroom for months already.


Well dudes who don't work aren't attractive.

He said he might have done a few chores prior, so it sounds like he's never contributed very much.

When was the last time he actually worked?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not that you get over it. It's that you summon the maturity and discipline to do what you need to do through it because those are your responsibilities.


Ok I didn't fall apart and not able to function when both my parents (and countless other loved ones) passed away. So I understand where you're coming from.

That wasn't my point. I specifically responded to a post where the advice given to the OP was to "get over it". After only two months.

I Sent out an email earlier to about 300 hundred friends and family members asking them if they would (or ever have) uttered these specific words ("get over it") to someone (to anyone) that was grieving the loss of a loved one?

Not one person thus far has said they would say this nor do they know anyone that has said this and EVERY single response thus far has been amazed that someone would say those specific words to someone grieving. In fact, like I said previously, numerous people said if someone said this to them they'd haul off and punch the person in the face.

Everyone thus far agrees it isn't healthy to fall apart to the point where you can't function and take care of responsibilities. But if something needs to be said, you sit down with the person and listen to them, ask them what's going on, show some compassion, explain to them that this isn't what your mom or dad (or whoever the loved one who passed away) would want for you. They'd understand that you're upset. But that they would want you to press forward and live the best possible life you can.

Countless people also said sounds like such a comment that would come from a keyboard warrior. Real brave saying this on social media but let's see if this same person would have the balls to say this to someone's face??

Said what I have to say about this and if others want to disagree have at it.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I’m a little confused (or perhaps just didn’t read carefully enough), have you been working at all? 
Were you working before your mom passed or was your wife the main/sole breadwinner for the family?


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> When your mother past how was your wife in the days week immediately following? Was she at all supportive immediately following the loss? Your extended disfunction is not normal, but if she was not at all supportive even in the first days/weeks, that is also not normal behavior for a spouse.


I remember she wanted me to see a professional after I experienced some hallucination (that's what she calls it a symptom of psychosis). Other than that, she remained distant from me most of the time, I feel alone, broken, I try to collect myself every day and try to be normal with people including wife, but something happens I lose everything.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

rmak said:


> I remember she wanted me to see a professional after I experienced some hallucination (that's what she calls it a symptom of psychosis). Other than that, she remained distant from me most of the time, I feel alone, broken, I try to collect myself every day and try to be normal with people including wife, but something happens I lose everything.


You need to get yourself in therapy. Your wife can't cure you. You really do need help and I'm sorry about that, but you do.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

sideways said:


> ("get over it")


My apologies if your mis-contexting of my words has triggered you in such fashion that you feel the need to email 300 people about it.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

rmak said:


> I remember she wanted me to see a professional after I experienced some hallucination (that's what she calls it a symptom of psychosis). Other than that, she remained distant from me most of the time, I feel alone, broken, I try to collect myself every day and try to be normal with people including wife, but something happens I lose everything.


What you need is professional help. The situation you are in is a byproduct of something else. Your life will remain broken until you fix the root of the problem. Your wife is not the root issue. I’m surprised your wife has lasted this long and her current actions may be the start of that lasting….coming to an end. With that in mind you need that professional help as soon as possible.

When I say Get Over It …. I mean it. You need to start putting one foot in front the other and start moving forward. No good will come of your current actions.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

DudeInProgress said:


> The bigger problem here is that his wife stopped having sex with him almost a year ago, right after she started a new job.
> Clearly she lost attraction and respect for him then, which is now just further exacerbated by his lack of functionality following his mom‘s passing.
> He had a dead bedroom before this recent issue and was clearly passive and without much power in his marriage in the first place for putting up with a dead bedroom for months already.


Yah it does sound like this is an ongoing problem that regardless of the wife requires a tremendous amount of self improvement on his part. Psychiatric help might be part of the improvement.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’m a little confused (or perhaps just didn’t read carefully enough), have you been working at all?
> Were you working before your mom passed or was your wife the main/sole breadwinner for the family?


I had been working as a prototype designer, but then I had to give time to my mom kids and house chores since we both were working. Wife would've not done it especially for my mom obviously. So, I had to reschedule my work accordingly. Everything was done upon agreement between the two of us. Right now, I am unable to focus on my work my eyes go blurry, I try very hard to be normal, but then I lose control of myself.


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> My apologies if your mis-contexting of my words has triggered you in such fashion that you feel the need to email 300 people about it.


I didn't "mis-context" anything. Your specific words were, "that you need to get over it". Feel pretty confident you wouldn't be popping off with such a comment face to face with someone.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

rmak said:


> I had been working as a prototype designer, but then I had to give time to my mom kids and house chores since we both were working. Wife would've not done it especially for my mom obviously. So, I had to reschedule my work accordingly. Everything was done upon agreement between the two of us. Right now, I am unable to focus on my work my eyes go blurry, I try very hard to be normal, but then I lose control of myself.


What happens when you "lose control of yourself"? It sounds like you really need some professional help. Depression can be crippling, like you describe. When you're having the loss of control can you rationally think I need to be doing x,y,z but then can't get your brain to actually get you doing it? It sounds like you have a psychological issue beyond grief based depression/sadness. It sounds more like a mental issue that requires clinical treatment. You won't be able to work on any marriage issues until you get your head straight. 

You should find a psychiatrist and make an appointment ASAP. Focus on getting yourself right. It's like being on an airplane when the oxygen mask drop, they instruct your to first get yours on before helping those around you.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> What happens when you "lose control of yourself"? It sounds like you really need some professional help. Depression can be crippling, like you describe. When you're having the loss of control can you rationally think I need to be doing x,y,z but then can't get your brain to actually get you doing it? It sounds like you have a psychological issue beyond grief based depression/sadness. It sounds more like a mental issue that requires clinical treatment. You won't be able to work on any marriage issues until you get your head straight.
> 
> You should find a psychiatrist and make an appointment ASAP. Focus on getting yourself right. It's like being on an airplane when the oxygen mask drop, they instruct your to first get yours on before helping those around you.


That is where I am heading to. Looking for the right professional is a bit more challenging. Well, I just wanted someone close listen to me what I am really going through in her free time.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

rmak said:


> That is where I am heading to. Looking for the right professional is a bit more challenging. Well, I just wanted someone close listen to me what I am really going through in her free time.


It would probably be easier to find a support group like “divorced dads” or similar and then ask from the collective group if they know of someone professional you can speak with that worked well for them. You could speak to the group to get some stress out, speak to the professional to get some stress out… and hopefully the professional can then direct you to the right person for further help. The first two steps of the process are likely to make you feel somewhat better on their own.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Double post ……


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Ok I didn't fall apart and not able to function when both my parents (and countless other loved ones) passed away. So I understand where you're coming from.
> 
> That wasn't my point. I specifically responded to a post where the advice given to the OP was to "get over it". After only two months.
> 
> ...


You said it right and I agree with you on this one. This is all about.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

rmak said:


> Thanks for giving your time to be here with me at this testing moment.
> I lost my dad 12 years ago; he had a heart attack and now it's my mom and it has shattered me altogether.
> Prior to the passing of my parent, I had been supportive even though I was doing most of the house chores myself. I would cook for myself and kids whenever she used to be late in attending parties or events after work. Before I wanted her to spend private time together once a week especially when kids were asleep, but she avoided it intentionally by showing me that she's exhausted or lying on bed with her mobile phone holding it in front of her face all the time and whenever there was a call from her sibling or mother or anyone from her office she would get up like a flash as if some magic tonic had been pumped into her blood.
> My mother was bedridden for almost two years, and I was the only one to look after her. The caretaker/nurse would do the jobs like washing and feeding but still I had to give her time and take her outside for the checkups.
> ...


I don`t like the;
She was lying on bed with her mobile phone holding it in front of her face all the time and whenever there was a call from her sibling or mother or anyone from her office she would get up like a flash as if some magic tonic had been pumped into her blood - I would cook for myself and kids whenever she used to be late in attending parties or events after work - Just recently I wanted to talk to my wife when she came back home after visiting her family on Saturday's night, and yet again she showed me no interest in any kind of conversation - lack of sexual interest.

On her phone a lot, arriving home late, lack of sexual and general interest and conversation with you.
Sorry my friend, these are all classic indicators that your wife maybe having an affair.
I would certainly suggest that you begin scrutinising your wife`s activities a lot more..


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

@rmak your wife is cheating on you.

She found a boyfriend at her new job and has cut you off. This isn’t the first time I have seen this scenario and it has always been the wife cheating.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I don`t like the;
> She was lying on bed with her mobile phone holding it in front of her face all the time and whenever there was a call from her sibling or mother or anyone from her office she would get up like a flash as if some magic tonic had been pumped into her blood - I would cook for myself and kids whenever she used to be late in attending parties or events after work - Just recently I wanted to talk to my wife when she came back home after visiting her family on Saturday's night, and yet again she showed me no interest in any kind of conversation - lack of sexual interest.
> 
> On her phone a lot, arriving home late, lack of sexual and general interest and conversation with you.
> ...


I used to check her phone whenever she left it on bed or on table before going to bathroom or kitchen, but I didn't find any suspicious activity in it maybe she's good at keeping it private. My sister told me that people usually delete the conversation and history in the apps and that might be the reason she leaves her gadget fearlessly. Also, I noticed that she sometimes takes her phone along while going to the bathroom. One thing that which negates it is that she doesn't change her passcode.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well dudes who don't work aren't attractive.
> 
> He said he might have done a few chores prior, so it sounds like he's never contributed very much.
> 
> When was the last time he actually worked?


I worked and did house chores myself for 5 years ever since I got married. This year she got a job and misbehaving with me since then.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I don`t like the;
> She was lying on bed with her mobile phone holding it in front of her face all the time and whenever there was a call from her sibling or mother or anyone from her office she would get up like a flash as if some magic tonic had been pumped into her blood - I would cook for myself and kids whenever she used to be late in attending parties or events after work - Just recently I wanted to talk to my wife when she came back home after visiting her family on Saturday's night, and yet again she showed me no interest in any kind of conversation - lack of sexual interest.
> 
> On her phone a lot, arriving home late, lack of sexual and general interest and conversation with you.
> ...


Hello, I just found something fishy on her mobile phone messenger. It's a guy from another city whom she's sharing our fight arguments we had just recently and every detail about me in a negative way and asking him what to do about it and he tells her to wait and see for some time before moving towards separation or divorce.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

That's BS -- she shouldn't be sharing your marriage details with ANYONE except a counselor, or maybe her parents/siblings.
Some random guy? NOT GOOD -- that sounds like an EA (at least) to me -- has she ever been to that city?
You should research the guy if you can -- is he married? does he come to YOUR city? etc...

Make sure you make copies (photos) of those discussions so that you have proof and they don't "disappear".


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> That's BS -- she shouldn't be sharing your marriage details with ANYONE except a counselor, or maybe her parents/siblings.
> Some random guy? NOT GOOD -- that sounds like an EA (at least) to me -- has she ever been to that city?
> You should research the guy if you can -- is he married? does he come to YOUR city? etc...


I found out some of his details, he is from the city where my wife never been to. He seems younger than us both maybe 25ish from the photo I got it from his other social app profile. I have given his number to an agent he ll find out his further details in a couple of days. Thats completely disgusting unacceptable sharing our details with a guy I never met or know anything about.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Time to get your own divorce attorney and see what your options are.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

rmak said:


> For the past several months since my wife had a new job, I've been noticing that she seldom converses with me the way she used to do before. Also, I always initiate sex with her, and I do the foreplay stuff to bring her to the orgasm. She is least bothered about my arousal. We are picking more fights, have arguments over little things more frequently nowadays and I know it is all because of my frustration that she has embedded in me with her less interest in intimacy for months. I lost my parent 2 months ago and I am numb. I am unable to work or do any house chores, I am broken, I need her support hugs especially during night when I am helpless which she refuses to do so bluntly saying that she can't sacrifice her sleep even in the weekends. I am 41 and she is 38. It has been six years for our marriage, and we have two little kids, five- and three-year-old.


Hello, something was really going wrong, my intuition never lies to me, just recently I hacked her locked phone and found many flirty messages she has been texting to several men. She has been even meeting in person with a few of them. This has enraged me so much that I am unable to think like a normal person. Disloyal wife!


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I disagree on their being a grief time limit, I do however believe there comes a point where you have to make the conscious effort to pull yourself out of it and function. No one can do that for you? Including your wife.
> 
> I understand not wanting to sacrifice sleep for sex, because I was the only one to ever get up with my now 5 year old. My husband never and I do mean never help, with the exception of a few days about month after I had him when my back went out and I couldn’t lift him out of his crib or lay him down in it.
> 
> Maybe you have older children, but if she is baring the brunt of the home, working and generally keeping things going during your grief, well, I’m not sure what you expect out of her?


She has been disloyal I just found out by hacking her phone that she has been texting flirty messages to other men for quite a long time now. How come she has extra time now? And where is her sleep when she usually chat with other men during late hours?


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

rmak said:


> Hello, something was really going wrong, my intuition never lies to me, just recently I hacked her locked phone and found many flirty messages she has been texting to several men. She has been even meeting in person with a few of them. This has enraged me so much that I am unable to think like a normal person. Disloyal wife!


Yea, sorry guy. I’m not surprised. Right now you need to do 2 things.

First, get to a counselor. You need help to deal with this along with your grief. Do not try to do it alone., this is a heavy load to carry and you were already struggling.

Second, talk to a lawyer about divorce. Leave the betrayer. I’m not sure how this looks in your country, but you need to get away from your cheating spouse.


----------



## rmak (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, sorry guy. I’m not surprised. Right now you need to do 2 things.
> 
> First, get to a counselor. You need help to deal with this along with your grief. Do not try to do it alone., this is a heavy load to carry and you were already struggling.
> 
> Second, talk to a lawyer about divorce. Leave the betrayer. I’m not sure how this looks in your country, but you need to get away from your cheating spouse.


Right! Thats what I think it has headed to, finally. I told everything about it to my sibling, hope she ll help but need time to collect myself I am drowned in my own mixed thoughts


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I’m late to this thread, but it was obvious after the original post that she was likely cheating.

Surprised at the gun shyness and how long it took for that to be pointed out.

Sorry @rmak , you have depression and a divorce to navigate.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

manwithnoname said:


> Surprised at the gun shyness and how long it took for that to be pointed out.


I saw that but didn’t call it out because OP was already dealing with a loss to the point of being non-functional. Adding infidelity in that mix could be an overload. His discovery would come as he “got over it” as was so wonderfully debated.

I just read a story yesterday on Reddit…it made the news in my state when OP took advice and WW turned homicidal. Real world consequences. Nobody's fault, but real.


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

rmak said:


> She has been disloyal I just found out by hacking her phone that she has been texting flirty messages to other men for quite a long time now. How come she has extra time now? And where is her sleep when she usually chat with other men during late hours?


That’s unacceptable for sure. Have you addressed this?


----------

