# Trouble Initiating



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Wife and I used to have an active intimate life. After the birth of our child it has slowed. I understand that it won't be where it was before. My issue is that I never feel comfortable initiating. I have never been the one to initiate, but when our intimate life was very active I didn't mind. Now I want to initiate occasionally. I feel like I'm not able to. Whenever my wife doesn't initiate, she sends signals that make it clear she isn't interested. Any suggestions?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You have a six month old baby... listen to her.

Her energy, physical, mental, spiritual are focused right now... if you push her too hard she will question your respect and a division may be created that will take you a long time to overcome.

Our intimacy did not return to pre-child levels until the children left the toddler age completely... more than likely around 4 to think about it and we had children 19 months apart which meant it a 6 year window.

Although our desires try to tell us otherwise, it's not all about us my friend... what are you doing to allow her to relax when it's just the three of you?

The more she can relax around you, the more often the warm thoughts will come.


----------



## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

How much are you helping with baby? That can have a huge impact on how good she's feeling. If she's doing all the baby stuff all day then she's probably feeling touched out and cannot rise herself to meet the needs of another person. My husband and I have three kids and it is definitely hard for at least the first year or so. 

Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Give it another 12-18 months, then make it an issue. Yes you will get turned down a lot most likely, have some reasonable conversations. Then be an ******* if necessary...


----------



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Mollymolz said:


> How much are you helping with baby? That can have a huge impact on how good she's feeling. If she's doing all the baby stuff all day then she's probably feeling touched out and cannot rise herself to meet the needs of another person. My husband and I have three kids and it is definitely hard for at least the first year or so.
> 
> Sent from my LG-D852 using Tapatalk


 Childcare duites are split 50/50 between us. Honestly, I get tired as well. I'd being lying if I said that I was always in the mood. I'd just like more than once a month. I would never be unreasonable and expect things to be like the past. I'd just like the chance to initiate occasionally. I don't feel like I get that chance at this time.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

I personally would not give it another DAY. Fix this right now, or your marriage may be doomed. 18 months from now...it may be divorce time otherwise.


----------



## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Seeker72 said:


> Wife and I used to have an active intimate life. After the birth of our child it has slowed. I understand that it won't be where it was before. My issue is that I never feel comfortable initiating. I have never been the one to initiate, but when our intimate life was very active I didn't mind. Now I want to initiate occasionally. I feel like I'm not able to. Whenever my wife doesn't initiate, she sends signals that make it clear she isn't interested. Any suggestions?




Communication......sounds like you two don't discuss the issue. I'd sit her down explain exactly how you feel and ask her what she thinks you could ask her to think it over and set a date and time to discuss more but no more than 48 hours. See how it goes but as I see it you are headed towards being "just" friends with no benefits for you. 
Bye the way......What are your ages? 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

[email protected] said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > Wife and I used to have an active intimate life. After the birth of our child it has slowed. I understand that it won't be where it was before. My issue is that I never feel comfortable initiating. I have never been the one to initiate, but when our intimate life was very active I didn't mind. Now I want to initiate occasionally. I feel like I'm not able to. Whenever my wife doesn't initiate, she sends signals that make it clear she isn't interested. Any suggestions?
> ...


 Thanks. We are both 30. Our child is only six months old. Because of this, everyone I speak to has told me to give her time. I don't want to come across as insentive. However, I don't want to keep my true feelings to myself either. My issue is that we are down to once a month. This is a drastic drop from the past. 

I worry that things aren't going to just magically get better when our child grows older. I'm concerned that this will become new norm. The fact that we don't discuss it is one of the biggest problems. I'm concerned that I will be viewed as being out of line. I love my wife immensely. You hit the nail on the head with the friend comment. I miss feeling romance with the person I love so deeply. Relationships require multiple ingredients to work well together. Right now I feel like we are missing a major ingredient.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

With a new baby it's hard to find romance. How often do you guys just sit, alone. No tv, no baby. Having alone time and dates will help keep the sex alive. 
Do you have a sitter who can help you have date nights? May have to do date nights in sometimes. 
Make a romantic meal, put the baby to bed and then eat out on the balcony or by candlelight.


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Seeker
I worry that things aren't going to just magically get better when our child grows older. I'm concerned that this will become new norm. *

It may never get back to halfway like it used to be. It will become the norm if you don't speak up now. Too many people stay silent and 5 years from now, they wished they were not married.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Being intimate is not just about sex, how much time do you actually spend with her and you (leaving baby out of it). At this stage women feel unattractive, overwhelmed, etc what have you done to make her feel sexy and attractive, etc. You might get more action that way.


----------



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> With a new baby it's hard to find romance. How often do you guys just sit, alone. No tv, no baby. Having alone time and dates will help keep the sex alive.
> Do you have a sitter who can help you have date nights? May have to do date nights in sometimes.
> Make a romantic meal, put the baby to bed and then eat out on the balcony or by candlelight.


 Good suggestions. I especially like the no tv suggestion. It may be something worth mention. This is where I think that my wife and I need to communicate on this topic. We get to spend many evenings together when the baby goes to sleep. The problem is that my wife will make a statement like "I need to sleep" before going to bed. I interpret that as her shutting things down. The only time she doesn't say that are the evenings when she initiates. This happens about once a month. I couldn't be happier with my wife as a person and best friend. I just don't like things beginning to feel so platonic.


----------



## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Seeker72 said:


> Thanks. We are both 30. Our child is only six months old. Because of this, everyone I speak to has told me to give her time. I don't want to come across as insentive. However, I don't want to keep my true feelings to myself either. My issue is that we are down to once a month. This is a drastic drop from the past.
> 
> I worry that things aren't going to just magically get better when our child grows older. I'm concerned that this will become new norm. The fact that we don't discuss it is one of the biggest problems. I'm concerned that I will be viewed as being out of line. I love my wife immensely. You hit the nail on the head with the friend comment. I miss feeling romance with the person I love so deeply. Relationships require multiple ingredients to work well together. Right now I feel like we are missing a major ingredient.




Have you ever known any bad thing to get better all on its own, except the common cold? i was thinking that maybe you were being tolerant because you were older like late 40's. If I were you I would sit her down and gently ask what the problem is. There are only a few reasons everthing else is an excuse because she doesn,t want to say the reason.
Medical would be a reason, she has gained a bunch of weight and has a problem with her body. That too would be a reason. You have somehow pissed her off and she is depriving you as punishment that is a reason. You have gained a bunch of weight and she now finds you unappealing....all of the above is fixable. 
Does she work away from the home? Do you work together? Do you have any fun other than raising children?
Do you work at home or away? Do you travel on business?


----------



## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Seeker, some women get tired of initiating most of the time and want a man to warm them up and initiate. Some women need a man to lead and take charge, plan out an evening, so they can feel desired-wanted.

Read the posts men make about the W never initiating. Read and hear how unappreciated/desired the men feel.

Work on leading and don't leave initiating all up to your W. This initiating is a "two way street."


----------



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

Handy said:


> Seeker, some women get tired of initiating most of the time and want a man to warm them up and initiate. Some women need a man to lead and take charge, plan out an evening, so they can feel desired-wanted.
> 
> Read the posts men make about the W never initiating. Read and hear how unappreciated/desired the men feel.
> 
> Work on leading and don't leave initiating all up to your W. This initiating is a "two way street."


 I agree. This is where I'm not certain if I'm reading things correctly. My feeling is that I don't feel like I get the chance to initiate. Whenever we get time alone she says that she is exhausted and needs to get to sleep. She then proceeds to move away from me. A just get the impression that initiating would not be well received.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Seeker72 said:


> I agree. This is where I'm not certain if I'm reading things correctly. My feeling is that I don't feel like I get the chance to initiate. Whenever we get time alone she says that she is exhausted and needs to get to sleep. She then proceeds to move away from me. A just get the impression that initiating would not be well received.


 @Seeker72 you need to get over your fear of rejection, and replace that with unrealistic overconfidence. 

When I initiate and my wife tells me she is tired and just wants to goto sleep, I'll respond with a big smile and say, "I think I can work with that no problem, you just relax and go to sleep!" Then she will look at me like "WTF" and start laughing. Once the two of us are both giggling and actually playful towards one another, then I actually do have something to work with. 

My main point is to not be so serious, and try to have fun together.

Badsanta


----------



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Seeker72 said:
> 
> 
> > I agree. This is where I'm not certain if I'm reading things correctly. My feeling is that I don't feel like I get the chance to initiate. Whenever we get time alone she says that she is exhausted and needs to get to sleep. She then proceeds to move away from me. A just get the impression that initiating would not be well received.
> ...


 Thanks for the advice. One issue is that whenever we have alone time after the baby goes to sleep, my wife plays around on her tablet. I just feel like I don't get the chance to get close. I'm not sure how to tell her to put it down without sounding bossy. It's like the tablet is a signal that she isn't in the mood. On nights that she is in the mood, she'll set the tablet down. The problem is that it only happens about once a month now. 
We have been doing great adjusting to life with a baby. The only problem I have is how platonic our relationship has become. It seems like something is wrong imo. I would like to figure out what it is before addressing my wife, and potentially making her resent my comments.


----------



## Seeker72 (Sep 3, 2017)

I considered creating a new topic, but I didn't want to be responsible for creating a second topic as a more recent member. I figured by bumping this topic, maybe some posters could help me find an answer to a challenging question. 

My wife and I are intimate about 2-3 times a month. I suppose that isn't terrible considering that we have an eight month old. However, this often occurs several weeks apart. I can deal with 3 times a month. I respect my wife immensely, and I want to be understanding. The only issue is that two weeks apart can feel like a very long time. In the five years that we have been together, stretches such as two weeks without intimacy never occurred. It sometimes feels frustrating. 

I do not want to be insensitive. I understand that caring for a newborn is very challenging, but our baby sleeps through the night, and we share duties. I knew that things would change, it just feels like they've change too much. I worry that something is bothering my wife that she doesn't share. 

My question is how do I address this concern with my wife? Does anyone have experience doing so? It's so strange how timid I am to talk about this topic with her. I just don't want to come across like I'm being a jerk, and make matters worse. Keep in my mind that we also have a work schedule where we only see each once every few days. If we miss our moments a couple consecutive days off, several weeks go by quickly.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Do me a favor and describe yourself, and importantly how you interact with your wife.

We have a limited volume of information about your relationship dynamic outside of the two threads you have, regarding frequency of sex, and your discomfort with her bringing up exe's in retrospect of when you are in particular circumstances or locales.

Just want to make sure I have the right picture here, and some of m presumptions are correct based on how I've read your posts.

Is your wife your first/only long term, or sexual relationship?

Who makes most of the decisions?

How would your wife describe you as a partner?

You indicated that in the past it is your wife who usually initiates sex. When she hasn't/doesn't, how do you approach or engage with her to make sex a likelihood?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Zombie thread.


----------

