# Confused



## wzcolvin (Mar 22, 2015)

I have been married for four years and with my wife for six years. Since about our second anniversary I have felt this emptiness inside. I don't understand because my wife is everything I wanted with a spouse. She is loving, compassionate, and loyal. I don't think that I could ask for better traits in a spouse. However, I feel back and fourth that i just don't love her like a husband should. I find myself backing out of affection and not being sexually or emotionally attracted to her like I was in the early years. We have talked several times about how I feel but I don't know what to do. I don't want to just keep hurting her, but at the same time I can't control how I feel. I feel like I love her like a father loves his children but not as a husband loves his wife. My behavior shows too. I feel I have changed a lot from six years ago and we want very different things in life. I don't want to leave my wife who depends on me to be the husband she married and kick her to the curb like she is nobody but i don't want to live my life feeling like I do all the time. We married when we were 19 and both had never been with anyone else sexually. I am finding myself more and more detached every day. Every time I think I might go through with it I see how sad she is and like a father to his child, I want to give her what she wants to make her happy again. Is my lifetime of happiness worth sacrificing for another? And would I even be happy divorcing my wife? I have not cheated or anything and neither has she. I just don't know what to do. She has built her entire life around me and her future as well. Can I really rip it away from under her for my own selfish adventure for happiness? 

-W


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are both about 25 now. Is that right? People change a lot between the ages of 19 and 25. 

Is there any part of your life that you are happy with? Do you do things that enjoy? If so, what are they?

Do the two of you have any children? You don't mention any.

With the little bit you have give us here, I would suggest that you give the marriage a bit longer.. say 6 months. During that time get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Get her to read them with you and work through them with you. 

Then if after you both do all that work you are still this disconnected and unhappy in your marriage in 6 months, then divorce might be the right course for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Some paragraphs would sure help!


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## wzcolvin (Mar 22, 2015)

Let me go in a little more detail from when I began feeling disconnected. We have no kids by the way.

I first noticed feeling detached when I was about four years into our relationship. After talking it over with my wife and having "discussions" for about two weeks, my wife instantly began diving into marriage books. We read a different combination of books. All pretty similar to a book called "The 5 Love Languages," I think. At this point I was desperate to find something that would help us. Unfortunately no amount of reading or talking about the situation changed how I felt. She felt I was bringing this up out of the blue. I had been thinking about this for about a year and was to ashamed to say something.

After a while I was convinced into the idea that we got married too young and I just had the common desire to experience freedom as a single guy. I never told her this because I wasn't sure and I felt there was no need to bring that up and hurt her feelings if I wasn't sure. I was prepared to fight past these superficial problems for the time being. 

Brought the problems up over the next year, and it just seemed to go nowhere. She doesn't understand or want a divorce. I won't want to get one, but I feel we both deserve happiness.

As of late I have begun to realize that I just really long for another human connection in an intimate (not sexual) way. I feel I just can't connect with my wife anymore. Even at night when I am asleep I wake up on the edge of the bed like am trying to be as far away as possible. I feel relieved when I am home alone and have my free time. It tears me up inside because I don't want to feel this way. I just have heard the "give it a little more time" thing several times and it never changes. Even the therapist told us the same thing. How long do I give before I know? I am afraid to make footsteps in any direction.


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