# Help So Confused



## ktmmom (Nov 16, 2008)

I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and married for 17 years. We have one teenage son. We have had 10 difficult turbulent years of marriage. My husband says he doesn't know who I am and he doesn't love me anymore and is only staying for financial reasons and until our son is 18 (4 more years). What does this mean? He too has changed and has Rheumtoid Arthritis. Neither of us has had affairs or anything like that. He still wants sex several times a week but never says anything about love. Am I a body to him or perhaps he still has feelings for me and finds me attractive. I am so confused as most posts show husbands who say this type of thing generally don't want to be intimiate with their wives. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks.


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## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

That attitude would confuse me too. I think he must have some feelings for you if he still seeks to be intimate. I would like to hear a guys opinion on this one.

Personally, I wouldn't be able to give myself to someone who tells me he doesn't love me.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ktmmom said:


> I have been with my husband for almost 20 years and married for 17 years. We have one teenage son. We have had 10 difficult turbulent years of marriage. My husband says he doesn't know who I am and he doesn't love me anymore and is only staying for financial reasons and until our son is 18 (4 more years). What does this mean? He too has changed and has Rheumtoid Arthritis. Neither of us has had affairs or anything like that. He still wants sex several times a week but never says anything about love. Am I a body to him or perhaps he still has feelings for me and finds me attractive. I am so confused as most posts show husbands who say this type of thing generally don't want to be intimiate with their wives. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated. Thanks.



that would be tough to take, but then again, so is RA. maybe it's just wearing him down. one of the sweetest guys on the planet, a friend of mine has RA. he is a touring comedian. he says it makes him not funny. and this dude is hilarious!

you probably know of his grueling pain, so i'm not revealing anything to you that is new. please just keep that top of mind.

turbulent means what? any more info would allow respondents to be more helpful.


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## ktmmom (Nov 16, 2008)

I have been feeling that as well but it is just creating more barriers between us so I am practicing keeping my side of the street clean and being a loving wife so I can at least bring down my walls. My total detachment doesn't seem to be helping at all while bringing down my own spiritual program in order


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## ktmmom (Nov 16, 2008)

voivod said:


> that would be tough to take, but then again, so is RA. maybe it's just wearing him down. one of the sweetest guys on the planet, a friend of mine has RA. he is a touring comedian. he says it makes him not funny. and this dude is hilarious!
> 
> you probably know of his grueling pain, so i'm not revealing anything to you that is new. please just keep that top of mind.
> 
> turbulent means what? any more info would allow respondents to be more helpful.


We are both very strong people with our own opinions so we do fight. We have had financial issues on top of the medical, and then after 21 years sober I relapsed on prescription medication due to not working a program and the pain of my marriage at home. I now have 40 days sober again and am strongly working my program which I had let lapse. My husband no longer goes to meetings and definitely in a dry drunk even though he is still sober. My fear of him and his anger has caused me not to always relay financial issues which has caused a lack of trust in him. So there is a lot of anger, resentment, hurt, and fear on both of our sides from lots of different issues.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

no excuses from him, that's cool. he's dealing with his pain by himself. that's gonna be rough. he could be a cranky fellah. 

you make several clinical and therapy-based comments. are you seeing a counselor?


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## ktmmom (Nov 16, 2008)

voivod said:


> no excuses from him, that's cool. he's dealing with his pain by himself. that's gonna be rough. he could be a cranky fellah.
> 
> you make several clinical and therapy-based comments. are you seeing a counselor?


No counselors, therapists for me. 12 steps of AA, meetings, a good 4th step and a strong sponsor. We have tried marriage counseling a couple of times. I have been through drug treatment as well as codependency counseling long ago. Personally I am not all that into counselors as I find if they haven't dealt with addictions as well in all areas of life it doesn't work well.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ktmmom said:


> No counselors, therapists for me. 12 steps of AA, meetings, a good 4th step and a strong sponsor. We have tried marriage counseling a couple of times. I have been through drug treatment as well as codependency counseling long ago. Personally I am not all that into counselors as I find if they haven't dealt with addictions as well in all areas of life it doesn't work well.


i saw the codependency lingo. good strong 4th step. good for you. that's tough. here, let's let everyone in on our little blessing:
12Step.org for Sobriety, Strength and Serenity - Step 4

strong sponsor. one you can talk to about this? cuz you need to, in my humble opinion.

another little nugget for you. if you think counselors don't handle addictions well, you'll be interested in THIS:

How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

good luck. say a prayer. He listens.


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