# phone passwords...WTF?



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I read so many threads that have this involved.....i want to check my W/H phone but cant, they have a password. If your SO has a password on thier phone and you dont know it, your relationship is in big trouble. When my stbxw started that, i knew something was up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

While I was in my EA, I left mine unlocked because I didn't want it to be a red flag. It never was, I was. The phone just verified it for my wife.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Well, there are a lot of thing that I want to keep private from my H that have nothing to do with EA.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Well, there are a lot of thing that I want to keep private from my H that have nothing to do with EA.


Like what?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would like to put a lock on my phone but simply because if it were stolen, then the thief would not be able to put expensive phone calls or anything else on it.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Maintaining separate private lives and secrecy is a really bad idea when you live under one roof and sleep in the same bed. I'm yet to hear an example where it doesn't point to something unhealthy.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Well, there are a lot of thing that I want to keep private from my H that have nothing to do with EA.


Really, like what?

the only thing I keep secret from my wife are her birthday and christmas presents. Everything else is an open book. Without BOTH parties being willing to do this, it is almost impossible to build trust.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

We are different and what we think about everything is different.

I am just simply showing my opinion and that is it.

If people find it useful then I helped some body.
If not then their is nothing to get fuss about.

Lets keep this on topic.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who cheated, yes, I put a lock on my phone while I was having an affair. The change in behavior is a big red flag. Now that I'm separated, no more lock. The only possible reason I can think of for a lock is to keep the kids from getting on my phone and mucking with it, but even that's a stretch. And if you're truly worried about losing your phone, there's no reason for your spouse to not know your password.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Why do you have to be so spiteful EleGirl?
> 
> I see that you are happily marriage so why don't you let other have the same thing.


You didn't answer her question, though...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

My WW never locked her phone because she didn't have to. She had it on her at all times. Now she leaves it laying around and sometimes forgets to bring it to work. 

So yeah, if it seems their damn cell phone is glued to their hand, they take it into the bathroom, sleep with it under their pillow, etc, that's a huge red flag and nothing good can come from it.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Have you asked him to see it? Or maybe you can leave your phone at home when you go out and ask to borrow his and take a quick look. If he catches you looking and gets upset you have another red flag.

I myself have a pw on my phone but I also have a special needs son who loves to play with electronics, the pw is there to keep him from running up my bill. I offered my H at the time the pw but he was never interested.

As for people having "privacy" on their phones, I personally feel that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Unless its Christmas time, really expensive and meant for me


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My phone is password locked - I can't figure out how to take it off - very annoying. Nothing to hide at all, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

My phone is password locked, hubby's isn't but he knows my password. No real reason there's a lock, just set the phone up that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The issue is when the phone is password locked and they don't want you to know the password.


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## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Many company policies require it if it is also for work


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> My WW never locked her phone because she didn't have to. She had it on her at all times. Now she leaves it laying around and sometimes forgets to bring it to work.
> 
> So yeah, if it seems their damn cell phone is glued to their hand, they take it into the bathroom, sleep with it under their pillow, etc, that's a huge red flag and nothing good can come from it.


^ That's exactly the reason why I became suspicious of something being up with my exhusband


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I understnad there are exceptions to every rule...but if you have something that requires a password and can it can be used to facilitate an affair and ur SO doesnt have access if they so choose..you are wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

My fiance's current assignment (a certain large software company in Redmond, I'll give you once guess as to who... ) requires that her iPhone be locked. Actually, in order set up the phone to check your email account there, part of the setup requires a passcode to be set and the phone to auto lock.

However, she shares all her passcodes/passwords with me, and vice versa -- more specifically all of my (numerous) accounts and password are stored in a special file and backed up to flash drive which lives in our filing cabinet. In the event of a need, we can access and act on behalf of each other.

So it's not the fact that the phone is locked, but the fact that 1) you didn't know about it and 2) you are not given unrestricted access to it as you desire... that where I see red flags coming from.

Same can be said about email accounts. We almost never look at each others email, but the fact that we can at any time (and we just rediscussed this as I am typing) is comforting to both of us as part of a larger picture of shared openness and respect.


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## xomelissa (Dec 7, 2011)

I've been married a while, almost fifteen years, and we've always maintained separate accounts for everything - banking, cell phone service, email and more. Neither of us have access to the others personal business, and it's never been an issue. That' s not to say our approach is any better, or worse than any others. It's just the way we've always done it and for us, it seems to work.
My cell phone is always locked, I have quite a few online accounts, several personal email accounts, and I have my very own FB account. I cannot comment on what my spouse has because I don't know. I don't ask, and I'm not really worried about it. But, that's just me.
We've both spent nights out, weekends away every now and then and, like many other working couples, we've both stayed at our jobs way past the hours normally worked. I cannot recall a time when either asked of the other -where were you, who were you out with, who were you talking to and so on. I'm not going to ask for passwords, and I won't be answering calls on their cell phone unless specifically asked - a very rare occurence, and vice versa. I have no need to read email or text messages that aren't addressed to me, recent call lists aren't of much use to me either.
I guess it's kind of like this for either one of us - if I want you to know, I'll tell you. If you have a need to know, of course I'll tell you. 
And if not? Honestly, I wouldn't let it bother me and I doubt I'd have any reason to suspect anything was wrong. Maybe I'm idealistic? Optimistic? Or, maybe just plain foolish?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Between 35 and 50% of married people


xomelissa said:


> I've been married a while, almost fifteen years, and we've always maintained separate accounts for everything - banking, cell phone service, email and more. Neither of us have access to the others personal business, and it's never been an issue. That' s not to say our approach is any better, or worse than any others. It's just the way we've always done it and for us, it seems to work.
> My cell phone is always locked, I have quite a few online accounts, several personal email accounts, and I have my very own FB account. I cannot comment on what my spouse has because I don't know. I don't ask, and I'm not really worried about it. But, that's just me.
> We've both spent nights out, weekends away every now and then and, like many other working couples, we've both stayed at our jobs way past the hours normally worked. I cannot recall a time when either asked of the other -where were you, who were you out with, who were you talking to and so on. I'm not going to ask for passwords, and I won't be answering calls on their cell phone unless specifically asked - a very rare occurence, and vice versa. I have no need to read email or text messages that aren't addressed to me, recent call lists aren't of much use to me either.
> I guess it's kind of like this for either one of us - if I want you to know, I'll tell you. If you have a need to know, of course I'll tell you.
> And if not? Honestly, I wouldn't let it bother me and I doubt I'd have any reason to suspect anything was wrong. Maybe I'm idealistic? Optimistic? Or, maybe just plain foolish?


Between 35 and 50% of married people supposedly have affairs. 
Since 1997 adultery has tripled (internet, cell phones?). 70 to 75% of people admit they would have affairs if they NEW they wouldn't get caught. 

So I would suggest you ,as with almost everyone else, simply are not aware of how bad things have gotten. Almost everyone that comes here trusted their spouse and is in complete shock. When they start checking off the list of red flags, its OMG.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

xomelissa said:


> I've been married a while, almost fifteen years, and we've always maintained separate accounts for everything - banking, cell phone service, email and more. Neither of us have access to the others personal business, and it's never been an issue. That' s not to say our approach is any better, or worse than any others. It's just the way we've always done it and for us, it seems to work.
> My cell phone is always locked, I have quite a few online accounts, several personal email accounts, and I have my very own FB account. I cannot comment on what my spouse has because I don't know. I don't ask, and I'm not really worried about it. But, that's just me.
> We've both spent nights out, weekends away every now and then and, like many other working couples, we've both stayed at our jobs way past the hours normally worked. I cannot recall a time when either asked of the other -where were you, who were you out with, who were you talking to and so on. I'm not going to ask for passwords, and I won't be answering calls on their cell phone unless specifically asked - a very rare occurence, and vice versa. I have no need to read email or text messages that aren't addressed to me, recent call lists aren't of much use to me either.
> I guess it's kind of like this for either one of us - if I want you to know, I'll tell you. If you have a need to know, of course I'll tell you.
> And if not? Honestly, I wouldn't let it bother me and I doubt I'd have any reason to suspect anything was wrong. Maybe I'm idealistic? Optimistic? Or, maybe just plain foolish?


It's all well and good until someone has an affair, right?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ahhhh....blind trust, I remember you


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Nope another blanket statement like talking to a ex on facebook will get you divorced, your wife going out with the girls will get you divorced, this is just another one of those farces. 

My wife and I have done all three and I still have a password on my phone I trade stocks, deposit checks, bank apps, etc


The strategy employed in this thread is just like the one used in over zealous churches. You can play that arguement with anything in life "It's all fun till you get a ticket", "All great until you die of a heart attack", "All great until you __________".

The bottom line is many of us do have some privacy and free time in our marriages and they are great. Sorry for those that arent!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My company requires that my company phone and company computer be password protected and the password must be changed every 3 months or I will be locked out.

My personal phone is also password protected now because I lost one years ago and had a lot of expensive calls made before I could cancel the account.

But if my wife ever asked to see any of the phones or the computer I would unlock it and hand it over. She knows this and I know all her passwords also.

Having a password protected device is not immediately a red flag for me. Not giving the spouse access when requested could be.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> I would like to put a lock on my phone but simply because if it were stolen, then the thief would not be able to put expensive phone calls or anything else on it.


Anyone who is clever enough to get your phone away from you is also clever enough to crack your phone. A lock won't stop them. It is best not to store important data such as bank account numbers and whatnot on your phone. As for phone calls, I suggest you get a calling card or borrow a buddy's phone and contact your phone company the moment you notice it missing to prevent the expensive calls.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

snap said:


> Maintaining separate private lives and secrecy is a really bad idea when you live under one roof and sleep in the same bed. I'm yet to hear an example where it doesn't point to something unhealthy.


I agree 100%! 
If you are doing nothing wrong, then what are you trying to hide? Isn't this the person you WANTED to share your whole life with? And now, you have parts you don't want to share? That smells of trouble to me. 

I only have one acception to this: If my husband asks to see something, email, phone, etc...that's fine. If he goes behind my back and snoops at it, I feel violated. It is this point that I can see some of you may feel uncomfortable and threatened.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Nope another blanket statement like talking to a ex on facebook will get you divorced, your wife going out with the girls will get you divorced, this is just another one of those farces.
> 
> My wife and I have done all three and I still have a password on my phone I trade stocks, deposit checks, bank apps, etc
> 
> ...


Yeah, sorry for those of use who get burned with infidelity because we trusted, huh? I forgot you've got one of those perfect marriages and you and your wife never cheated when talking with former flames. Good for you. It sucks to be the rest of us. Until you get burned, you won't know what its like.

That's the same type of attitude that gets people burned for drunk driving. They NEVER think it can happen to them or that they'll get caught. You think its overzealous to wear a seatbelt while driving? I guess not because it can never happen to you, you're a great driver.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Yeah, sorry for those of use who get burned with infidelity because we trusted, huh? I forgot you've got one of those perfect marriages and you and your wife never cheated when talking with former flames. Good for you. It sucks to be the rest of us. Until you get burned, you won't know what its like.
> 
> That's the same type of attitude that gets people burned for drunk driving. They NEVER think it can happen to them or that they'll get caught. You think its overzealous to wear a seatbelt while driving? I guess not because it can never happen to you, you're a great driver.


No not at all the point is the pendulum now swings the other way. Sort of like Dave Ramsey he lost everything now preaches all debt is bad debt. Once cheated on now many preach 100% transparency all the time or it's a sign of cheating.

People that want to cheat will cheat there is no stopping it period!! They can hide everything or nothing they can still cheat.

We are all different if it works for you awesome!! Just don't preach it like it's law because it clearly IS NOT!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Putting a password on your phone is NO SNEAKIER than surreptitiously looking at someone's phone w.o. their knowledge or permission. 

When my wife's phone rings I will hand it to her w.o. even looking at who is calling. Not my business unless she shows it to me.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

Its common best practice for companies to require employees who use their phones for business to have a password/passcode on them.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> ahhhh....blind trust, I remember you


lol, nicely said


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Being on this forum and knowing how affairs are enabled by not sharing passwords is a poor excuse for privacy. I readily without prompt will hand over both my phone and the company smartphone and give out the passwords to family including my children. The only reason not to do so is if your claim to privacy outweighs your respect for your spouse .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Nope another blanket statement like talking to a ex on facebook will get you divorced, your wife going out with the girls will get you divorced, this is just another one of those farces.
> 
> My wife and I have done all three and I still have a password on my phone I trade stocks, deposit checks, bank apps, etc
> 
> ...



Good for you. Pity about the vast number of waywards that support this very opinion.

Hey why hide things from your spouse and not telling is hiding by default. No marriage is affair proof . Openness and honesty are good qualities for a couple to have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Good for you. Pity about the vast number of waywards that support this very opinion.
> 
> Hey why hide things from your spouse and not telling is hiding by default. No marriage is affair proof . Openness and honesty are good qualities for a couple to have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, I agree 100%!! For many here it's not open and honest it's sneaking and prying, it's doubting and plotting, and it's looking for the worst in others. That's fine if it works for you the day my wife starts saying "Hey, honey gimme your phone, so I can look at everything on it okay..." I would say "Sure, but what's really going on?" 




*****TOTALLY OFF TOPIC DON'T READ UNLESS BORED******

If you sleep in the same bed every night, talk 20 times a day, have date nights, consider the other the better half, make memories regularly, listen talk and meet each others needs, dream, plan, and make the future happen together... there is a very small chance affairs are happening. You are right no marriage is affair proof!!! Theoretically it could be happening, but if it is there are ZERO signs. If there starts to be some maybe I'll pry and spy, but it's not in my nature. To be honest I wouldn't even want to know....

My wife and I being married for 15 together 20 it's easy to look around and see why many affairs happen. Husbands and wives play too many childish head games and don't put there spouse ahead of themselves. 

My wife and I look around often and are grateful for our relationship and for us it's easy to see how affairs happen. People think we are the wierd ones because we txt 10-15 times a day.....little "I'm thinking of you!!" " Miss you" "Can't wait to tap that ass later.....lol" "I got the kids go get a coffee love you".

We go on date nights, we share chores, share homework, cleaning, we both work we are like a atom all revolving around each other. Most of our neighbors are divorced and it's easy to see why:

The women have all gained alot of weight.
Many of the men have gained alot of weight.
The guys go hunting, fishing, or live sports all the time.
Many families have gambling or alcohol problems.
The husbands are seflish.....me first grrrrr mentality
The Wifes are too kid focused and not enough husband focused.

I could write a book.........we are labelled as "He loves you so much!!" Your wife keeps in such great shape afte having 3 kids.

Here is a example of something I did for her two years ago:

She always wanted a BMW, but we couldn't afford one at the time. Years of minivans she always wanted something nicer and after driving many she was in love with X5's. I started saving and after 9 months had enough for a substantial downpayment. We went test driving cars just to make sure she still wanted a 
X5. She 100% did "I love this car how much is it?" "OH.......wow we can't afford that!!" It was fun though.....and it solidified that was what she wanted the smile on her face during the test drive sealed the deal for me. 

So, I found one 1 year old X5 in her favorite color combo......about 600 miles away. I told my wife I was going to go to the racetrack and make some runs in the car which happens to be 3 hours away. I was going with two other acquaintances who were car afficionados. I should be home around 6pm. I hadn't gone in years.......so instead of going to the track I parked the car behind her favorite restuarant and got in a taxi flew 600 miles bought the car (all prearranged etc) and drove it back barely making it in time for dinner. I called and said "Hey just meet me at the restuarant"......I downloaded a bunch of race pics off the internet and sent them to her throughout the day so she would see how much I had racing......lol. Pictures of Twin turbo Vipers, Lamborghinis, etc etc.

At the restuarant I purposely drank 3 drinks and after eating said "Hun, you need to be driving.........I'm good after these" ...she laughed and I threw her the keys......Once she saw the BMW logo she screamed and couldn't believe it. The Bartender, Waitress were in on it too it was fun.

I could tell you many more stories just like this how we surprise each other all the time. Yes, no marriage is affair proof......I'll take my chances phone passwords and all!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Yep, I agree 100%!! For many here it's not open and honest it's sneaking and prying, it's doubting and plotting, and it's looking for the worst in others. That's fine if it works for you the day my wife starts saying "Hey, honey gimme your phone, so I can look at everything on it okay..." I would say "Sure, but what's really going on?"


So what's a guy who's never been betrayed, has a perfect marriage, can give his wife a BMW, trying to give advice in the Coping With Infidelity Forum, to those of us betrayed spouses who have been burned by infidelity and whose WS did hide/protect their phone? 

You will never understand until you've been in our shoes. You see, its a BS thang.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> People that want to cheat will cheat there is no stopping it period!! They can hide everything or nothing they can still cheat.


100% wrong.

It's strange that you would dismiss environment as a causative factor in cheating, then brag about the environment of your marriage. Don't you know that a wife gaining weight will have absolutely no influence on her husband's decision to cheat? He either will or he won't. It's predestined.

I suspect that you don't really believe the statement you wrote above, but if you do, you should Google "environment influences behavior" for a multitude of peer-reviewed, scholastic studies and articles that show exactly how wrong you are.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Relax
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I agree with PHTlump.

The decision to cheat is a personality and character trait. You are either that kind of person or not when you wake up each morning and walk out the door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> I agree with PHTlump.
> 
> The decision to cheat is a personality and character trait. You are either that kind of person or not when you wake up each morning and walk out the door.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You missed the point of my post. The first part of the post was sarcastic. I think most people have the capacity for infidelity. It is usually the environment that influences the decision.

If a person is in a happy, stable marriage, he will not cheat. Put that same person in an unhappy, unstable marriage, and he will cheat.


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## zelika (Dec 20, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Well, there are a lot of thing that I want to keep private from my H that have nothing to do with EA.


And you totally have that right under normal circumstances. If he's caught you cheating, he has a right to see exactly what you are doing if you hope to save that relationship. If you aren't cheating and don't otherwise do anything that might make you're husband suspicious that you are then you should have no problems. 

Once someone cheats, they lose any and all rights to privacy as far as I'm concerned.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

zelika said:


> Once someone cheats, they lose any and all rights to privacy as far as I'm concerned.


I think when one marries, one loses privacy rights.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> Yep, I agree 100%!! For many here it's not open and honest it's sneaking and prying, it's doubting and plotting, and it's looking for the worst in others. That's fine if it works for you the day my wife starts saying "Hey, honey gimme your phone, so I can look at everything on it okay..." I would say "Sure, but what's really going on?"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I envy your marriage. I think you two meet each other's needs and that's why you're so secure. It's a positive thing - not something to be jumped all over for. Isn't that what we all strive for? The person who would hand over all passwords etc., but we don't feel need to ask for it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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