# Wife screwing over deployed Soldier (LONG)



## Kevin_D (Jun 27, 2010)

First, I am new to this forum. Could really find what I was looking for. I really don't know what I am looking for.
This is the deal: I have been fully engaged in training up for a deployment since Dec. 09. My wife of nearly 9 years and 4 yr old son live in our town-home in Hudson, WI. From Dec-Apr. I saw very little of my family. Was on the phone a lot. A few days before I was to fly to Iraq, I found out she was cheating. I never saw it coming. She was loyal school teacher and this didn't seem like something she would do. We didn't have a great marriage and the deployment was going to make it worse. Before I found out about the affair, we talked that the deployment would give us time work things out. The affair killed me and right before I was to leave, I felt totally helpless, I so many questions. Something snapped in my head though. An awaking of sorts, I blamed myself for the affair, but I didn't force her to have sex with some one else. She could have just left. We talked it out, work on it, keep the family together. Communication was lacking in our relationship, but we talked, emailed all the time, Skyped. Communicating like we didn't for years. I pushed to get details about the affair but she never wanted to tell me, she didn't want to cause more hurt and pain for me. So I didn't want push her away I said fine, I don't want to know anymore. About the first week of June, she was distancing herself. Went to Vegas for a week, talked to here once and sent me a pic of her sunburn. Never called when she made it home safety. I became more suspicious; We are 6,000 miles apart, who knows who is in my house, in my bed? I had access to her phone records, that is how I found out about the first affair. So the same number keep coming up. I confronted her, asked if she was still sleeping around, she blew me off and said she had to pickup our son from daycare. Phone records indicated she called this dude after hanging up on me. I wrote her a letter a few hours later. I was pretty calm. I don't think I cared anymore, what was I going to do or say from 6,000 miles away, for God know how long til I get back home to keep her as my wife? She still has to be part of my life, we have a child. I have spent the last 3 days surfing the web, either to fight for the marriage or legal separation or a divorce? This was my email to her 4 days ago:
I can't believe this ****! I heard that story about that kid the other day and my mind got turning. After the comment about not being touched for so long and Chiropractor turns you on?! You were distancing yourself again, didn't want to talk about you anymore. Another red flag. I talked to someone about this today. Yeah sounds fishy, but I'm like no, she is working on things, she said she would give us another chance. She doesn't act like this. But I was played for a fool. There was no real commitment on your part. I paddled the boat with the illusion of you being in it. Faded in your image I would asked if you are still with me in the boat as you would speak quietly to me to keep paddling. You couldn't wait? My words meet nothing? I was all alone on this "process" Ya back stabbed me, you couldn't forgive the past. As I wiped the slate clean for you? You had the perfect situation, I find out about affair, I leave to different country as a separation. During that time work out interferences within ourselves and together. Didn't happen that way. This sucks for Brody and I. I wanted to give our relationship(YOU) another chance, but I didn't get another chance. =(
After 4 days of no contact with her, she emails me dis-morning.

Background: I emailed her of some tragic news that soldier blew his head because he got a Dear John letter, this was before I asked about if she was still screwing around. 
Alicia wrote: 
Kevin,
I needed to take a couple days to let the anger subside so I could write more clearly. I am so frustrated with you. You email me to tell me that some guy blew off his head. One of my worst fears. You know this because I have expressed my concern for your mental stability, and having lived through my moms attempt at talking her own life. But you still bring it up. So then I am worried about you and frustrated at the same time. You said you were going to be there for me and give me some space but then you berate me with interrogating questions, that the answers to could potentially toss you off your rocker, like that guy. So I get defensive, mad and frustrated. 

You want me to work on my stuff, you want me to be open with you, but then when I am the **** gets thrown BACK in my face? I shouldn’t have been that open with you I guess. I was ready to file for divorce and be done with the anxiety and pain that has been associated with our relationship but because this deployment was going to provide me with space and time I decided to wait. Then you had this life changing experience , that also influenced me to not make any RASH decisions regarding the future of our relationship for now. That is what MY commitment level was. But that is not enough for you right now. If you want to go ahead with the legal resolution of marriage we can. I will not allow you to have this power over me that causes me to feel such horrible feelings. I know I have control over how I respond to situations, but I am not good at controlling my emotions. I am quick to snap and when I feel like I am being hovered over like an Eagle to his prey I DO NOT LIKE THAT FEELING. And you bet your ass I am going to push you away. There is a fine line between caring, being genuinely concerned and being over bearing. The only person I need to be accountable to is myself. And that is how I am going to work through my stuff. 

You think I am not in the boat? Did you ask if I am in the boat? I think my constant answer to anything between you and me is I DON’T KNOW.

Today I am feeling this anxiety again. I think partially Because I had a dream about you last night. I haven’t dreamt about you in a long long long time. In my dream you called me and said that I am not taking you seriously and I need to take you seriously and then I heard a gun shot. Then today at nap time I dreamt I was in a room crowded with people and I flipped the **** out and started yelling at this woman for getting in my space. I haven’t felt normal since. 

I need you to promise me that you will talk to someone anyone if you ever feel like taking your own life. You taking your own life would be the most selfish thing ever. Despite how it would affect everyone who cares for you, It would **** up Brody irreparably. If you are serious about being a solid dependable father to him then please act like it and please don’t bring up stories where guys are killing themselves. 

Brody asked to talk to you today so we called and left a message. In the morning (Sunday) we are getting up early to meet my friend Nicole at her house. She offered us free VIP tickets to the Great American Air Show in St. Cloud so we are going. I asked Brody first and he said yes. We will bring the headphones. I guess we get free food/beverages all day long. Hopefully it stops raining because it’s been raining off and on for a couple days now.

We hope you are o.k. Kevin, I never wanted our relationship to be so volatile. And I would never want anything to happen to you. Please take care of yourself. You probably have Sunday off again. I hope it’s restful and revitalizing.- Alicia

I think we both were trying to point fingers. But am stuck with this situation now. My head tells me to get the F*** out, but my heart stuck on her. I want to at least be separated from her, doesn't that mean she can still screw around? But we are separated right now, so divorce the only option? I want to get my affairs in order, alot of paperwork is in my house. I don't want to tell her my plans, she might might try and screw me over more AGAIN. I request some Courses of Action to with this sticky situation.

Sorry so long.


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## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

That sucks to be over there and having problems like this with your wife. Women who screw around on soldiers like this should have their heads shaved so everyone knows who they are.

Don't do anything stupid, man. My guess is that you are a young guy. You have a whole big life in front of you whether you work it out or not. You're going to be there to go camping with Brody, watch him play baseball, go to his graduation, watch him get married, spoil his kids.... 

I would tell you to go talk to a psychologist over there, but I was in the military and know how it is. Maybe it has changed and now it isn't a stigma anymore. Things seem to have gotten better in terms of support for the troops. If that is the case it might be good to talk to someone over there and get some rational advice and grounding instead of having crazy thoughts bounce around in your head all day. You can PM me if you want. Hopefully people smarter than me will have some good advice.

I think the story about the soldier freaked her out. Either she is worried about you doing it and feels guilty that she is driving it to it. I wouldn't use it to gain any kind of sympathy or get her to start acting right. Most women aren't like that. Most are self-serving and it will only drive them away.


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## Kevin_D (Jun 27, 2010)

I am 37 years old, my mind is straight, trust me. I talked it over with a couple friends. i am trying to decide to try and work it or throw in the towel.. I told her that story before I confronted her about her cheating.


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