# Hubby is Mad At Me



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Sometimes I just gotta vent. 

H and I have an ‘policy’ that I only do things outside the home 3 nights a week. 

I don’t 100% agree with it but it’s his ask for me. It made more sense before I was working one night a week. But now one night a week I don’t get home until 9pm. 

I also really love to have our grown kids over one night a week, which hubby counts as one of the nights.

So bottom line is it’s his request of me and I try to abide by it because it helps me not do too much stuff and be gone all the time. 
But I don’t agree with all of it.

Sometimes life is just really busy. This week I woke up on Monday morning and thought, “oh shoot, I have 4 things in a row this week and then another thing on Saturday!” (We usually don’t schedule Saturdays up either, which I totally agree with, but there are exceptions.)

I let my H know that I had accidentally done that, (2 nights are fun things with 2 of my girlfriends, and the other two are obligations for my paying jobs) H was bummed that there was only one night home with him and said so.

So I said I would try to reschedule my one friend, who I see about every other month, and do lunch instead of dinner.

I also said that since he is usually not ready to hang out until after 9 anyway (he has checkout time with his computer after dinner, or more often than not he takes a nap.) that maybe it would work out for us to have time together after my events. 
(I do resent his naps, so that did bleed through what I was saying.)

I talked to my friend today and she couldn’t change it so I just kept the plan for dinner.

I had just come home from my other friends bunco night and it was about 9. H was laying down when I came in and had asked me to come cuddle him which I did.

I told him I had tried to text him and he said he head his phone go off but didn’t want to get up and get it. What did I text? I said I had texted our signal for wanting to find time to make love tonight.

He was like, yeah that sounds nice but we do have a teenage girl upstairs and started telling me about her having a hard night and how he had encouraged her through it. I said that sounded like he was putting me off, and he said no, it just means you can’t be loud...

Then we kinda started chatting about our evening at that point, while cuddling. I told H at that I tried to rearrange the dinner with my other friend but she had an appt so I kept the date.

He then started getting mad. He said he thought he had communicated with me and what happened?
I said I had told him that this week was different than our typical week and I had put too much stuff on the calendar. 
That I had let him know as soon as I realized so he could be prepared.
He said, but I communicated with you!
I said yes I know it’s not your preference but sometimes this stuff happens.

His body language was changing and he was turning away from me and disentangling his arms from me.

He turned on his back, no longer cuddling me, and said, “I don’t want your dregs.
I don’t want to do everything on your time.
You said some bull**** about me not being ready to hang out until 9 but that’s just you trying to justify your way.
I’m not going to be on your time schedule.”

I said, “I don’t understand. What time schedule would you want to be on then? When you say you don’t want to work with me around my time schedule it just seems so....so, I don’t even know the word....oh, petty. It seems petty.”

So he got up and left the room! Saying if you want to spend all these nights away don’t expect to be close to me because I’m petty.
And he went in to watch TV!

I got my blanket and went in on the couch and asked, “Is this what you would like to be doing at this time?”
(Because we do like to watch shows together in the evenings so I thought maybe he would prefer that.)

He said, “I don’t want to talk to you.”

I got mad and grabbed my blanket (almost threw it at him, which I’m glad I didn’t) and marched upstairs in anger.

So here I am.

This isn’t the first time this kind of thing has happened. It’s usually after my period, which involves about 4-5 days of no sex. 
He needs sex and when we finally do he usually gets over his insecurities...but instead of going for it he does this **** and pushes me away for a few days first. So the 4-5 days turns into a full week which is unnecessary and stupid...but he’s not like he used to be. He has to feel emotionally good and connected in order to have sex. But he works himself up into this belief that I don’t want him. 

Ugh, what’s a girl to do?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He wants you home 3 nights during the week. But he does not want to spend time with you on those nights until 9pm because he needs to play on the computer and/or take naps.

So if you stay out until 9pm, he gets all pissy even if you are home in time for when he wants to spend time with you. 

Did I get that right?

I wonder if part of his irritation is that he had to spend some time doing something other than playing on the computer and/or napping. He had to take time for HIS child. So he is now punishing you for you not being there so that he did not have to pay attention to his child.

It sounds like your husband wants everthing to be on his clock and if it's not, he's going to act like a baby. I'd find that very hard to deal with.

I'd also find it hard to deal with not getting any couples time until 9pm. Where's the spontenaiety?


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me until 9 but it’s often the way it works out. He will fall asleep around 6 or 7 and I am resentful about that so I mentioned it as a way to say that he usually isn’t available until after 9 anyway so maybe we won’t miss much time anyway this week when I’m overbooked.

Honestly I have NO clue what this is really about. He’s not usually this unreasonable. But he does say this thing about not wanting my leftovers a lot. (Or dregs he said this time.)

I was hoping this made sense to someone.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

As for his child, no, he wasn’t resenting it. I only mentioned that to show that he does care for his family: I must not have presented it very well. It’s hard on these forums sometimes to paint an accurate picture.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He gave you exactly what would make him happy - then you disregarded his feelings.

Ya, I don't blame him because you made an agreement then broke it.

Why can't you tell people no? Say no... reschedule for a different week.

You know what your husband needs yet you are away so he has no way of feeling connected to you. He just wants to know you're home with him.

And then you feel guilty for slighting him so you manipulate with an offer of sex so he won't be mad.

But then you're surprised he's mad? He's on to you and the way you manipulate - it doesn't feel kind and loving! Can you blame him?

Why are you making him beg for you to love him? It's just sad for him.

I don't get why you need to be so busy... why don't you WANT to be home with him connecting to the person you say you love?


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

@Beach123

I was genuinely interested in having sex with my husband. It’s fine if he isn’t into it. That’s why I offered to watch tv with him instead. 

Yes I know he wants me home more...and I DO like to be with him. But it’s one week. I normally DO plan 3 things a week for him.

I want to hear what you have to say to help me understand his point of view, but I don’t get how wanting to have sex with my H is manipulating.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> @Beach123
> 
> I was genuinely interested in having sex with my husband. It’s fine if he isn’t into it. That’s why I offered to watch tv with him instead.
> 
> ...


He felt you were throwing him breadcrumbs.
That’s why it seemed manipulative.
You say you have adult children so you’re probably older than me but there is one thing I really don’t get about some marriages including yours.Why do people seem to think they have to live the single life while married,it appears to me that you have a busier social life than most single people that I know.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> He felt you were throwing him breadcrumbs.
> That’s why it seemed manipulative.
> You say you have adult children so you’re probably older than me but there is one thing I really don’t get about some marriages including yours.Why do people seem to think they have to live the single life while married,it appears to me that you have a busier social life than most single people that I know.


It's a matter of striking the right balance, though... if you start telling people you can't do this and that, the marriage won't last long. Allowing enough freedom is paramount, as far as I'm concerned. Seems to me the husband is insecure and need reaffirmation. And he is only available after 9pm! That's the time I go to bed these days... :laugh:


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

He needs to get out more...


----------



## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

tigerlily99 said:


> It’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with me until 9 but it’s often the way it works out. He will fall asleep around 6 or 7 and I am resentful about that so I mentioned it as a way to say that he usually isn’t available until after 9 anyway so maybe we won’t miss much time anyway this week when I’m overbooked.
> 
> Honestly I have NO clue what this is really about. He’s not usually this unreasonable. But he does say this thing about not wanting my leftovers a lot. (Or dregs he said this time.)
> 
> I was hoping this made sense to someone.



Leftovers can be good if re-heated. Dregs, not so much.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why does he fall asleep in the evenings?


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

tigerlily99 said:


> @Beach123
> 
> I was genuinely interested in having sex with my husband. It’s fine if he isn’t into it. That’s why I offered to watch tv with him instead.
> 
> ...


Dear, so you do want to be with him... OK then explain why at some point you and your husband had to make an agreement that you would spend ONLY 3 nights a week outside the home partying with your "Friends".

And two of the things this week had to do with your paying jobs, which sounds like an office party or some dinner. If it was WORK you would have said that. 

Your husband has stated his needs, made a reasonable AGREEMENT WITH YOU, and you resent it slightly but you generally adhere to the agreement. 

I am sorry, you are a selfish woman, no two ways to look at it. 

Your H wants to be a priority in your life, and to maintain a sibilance of that, he actually has to bargain with you to in order to have time with you. 

I would not have gone that far. If I had to bargain with a woman to GET my FREAKING WIFE to want to hang out with me, that bargain would include divorce papers.

So tell us all, has anyone in this relationship cheated at all? You, him? What is the age difference. 

Does he not like to go out with you? What hours does he work? 

And, does he really stay on his computer all the time till 9, or is that sometimes? Some of that sounds like justifying. 

I have to tell you, I like to go out, but I take my GF... Or we stay in if one or the other is too tired? You know why... because I want to spend as much time as I can with her. 

Here is something else, your H made a deal with you, so that you could go out and have friends and you violated that deal. He rightly thinks that he is not a priority in his life, and guess what, he is not...


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If he really wanted to be with her, he wouldn't be at his computer until 9pm or having a nap... he wants to be with her when it suits _him_...


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, I can see a lot of your husband's point of view. He communicated a request, you agreed to it, and then you broke it. He feels like he's at the bottom of your priority list. *This kind of thing can end marriages*. 

And then you told him "it seems petty". So that negates any apparent apology you may have made. Although I can't see in there where you mention apologising at all - just "letting him know".


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Maybe its because you cheated on your husband (according to your previous threads) and now you're still going out multiple times a week. Maybe he doesn't fully trust you anymore.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

barbados said:


> Maybe its because you cheated on your husband (according to your previous threads) and now you're still going out multiple times a week. Maybe he doesn't fully trust you anymore.


Oh! Yep. That'd do it!


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

barbados said:


> Maybe its because you cheated on your husband (according to your previous threads) and now you're still going out multiple times a week. Maybe he doesn't fully trust you anymore.


My bad - I missed that. "Maybe"?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well crap. I had this whole answer about what a pain in the ass he is constantly wanting to suck you dry every minute of the day and then further into the thread I see there was an affair.

You really should have prefaced your post with that so we'd better understand why your husband is acting like a Stage IV clinger.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

yes, it looks like it was an EA... :smile2:


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

barbados said:


> Maybe its because you cheated on your husband (according to your previous threads) and now you're still going out multiple times a week. Maybe he doesn't fully trust you anymore.


The op admitted in another thread that she doesn’t feel validated in her life unless it comes from an exterior source which is her explanation for having an “emotional” affair.
But she was “just about” to break up with her other man when her husband found out about the affair.Yeah......
Now she spends numerous nights out with her friends and work colleagues but can’t understand why her husband feels uncomfortable with having to pre-book an evening together.

In another thread the op said her husband was unhappy with her inviting her entire family for extended weekend parties and said her family had no problem if he wanted to go to bed while they stayed up all night and partied.They were gracious enough to allow him,in his own home to go to bed.
This woman doesn’t live in the real world.If I was married to her I would pre-book a meeting with my lawyer.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well crap. I had this whole answer about what a pain in the ass he is constantly wanting to suck you dry every minute of the day and then further into the thread I see there was an affair.
> 
> You really should have prefaced your post with that so we'd better understand why your husband is acting like a Stage IV clinger.


OMG, go back and glance at about the first 3 of her threads.... Totally clueless. 

Of course we are the believe that she never had sex with anyone but her husband, maybe, not likely.

Why he is even with her is a mystery to me, oh well...


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well crap. I had this whole answer about what a pain in the ass he is constantly wanting to suck you dry every minute of the day and then further into the thread I see there was an affair.
> 
> You really should have prefaced your post with that so we'd better understand why your husband is acting like a Stage IV clinger.


Read some more of her threads.
Entitled isn’t the word.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well crap. I had this whole answer about what a pain in the ass he is constantly wanting to suck you dry every minute of the day and then further into the thread I see there was an affair.
> 
> You really should have prefaced your post with that so we'd better understand why your husband is acting like a Stage IV clinger.



But how else could one get validation if one stayed factual about stuff?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A spouse going out 3 nights a week, all of those without the other spouse, is excessive and selfish. You are very lucky that he agrees to this at all, I sure as hell wouldn't, especially now that your past history has been brought out.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If you want to spend 50% of your social time away from your husband, why did you even marry him?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

How does it go?

The Truth hurts?
The Truth will set you free?

Truth is...

Truth can hurt.
Some Truth cuts you free.

Sometimes Truth does not bother with you.
It simply leaves you Alone.

Alone and free to your own devices.
Alone with your own Truth.
Alone to deal with that Truth.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Your husband wants to feel like a higher priority than your social life. Given your past he seems well justified in his feelings. My guess is once your 16 year old is off to college, he's out also.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Two unhappy folks without trust, respect, or even compatibility--sounds like a superficial arrangement. These are the times that affirm my choosing to remain single even though I'm sure there is a better norm somewhere.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was married to someone who wanted to spend nearly all of his free time out doing fun things without me. It wasn't that I didn't want to join him, but that he clearly preferred for me not to be there. I was cramping his style. I was a burden, an obligation. 

And, that, I suspect is the message that you're continually conveying to your husband, OP. Even without the affair, you've still sending him the message that you'd rather do something - anything - without him there with you. And you're sending it over and over and over again. You're telling him you don't really want him. In fact, you resent _having to_ spend time with him. You're like the rebellious teen who's been made to go visit your great aunt for the afternoon, slumped in the corner chair with your arms crossed, sulking and rolling your eyes as you suffer though family time. And then you want kudos because, after all, you did what he wanted. 

But what he really wants is not your begrudging presence and some sex to shut him up. He wants a wife who _wants_ to be with him, who _wants_ to spend time with him. He feels like you're giving him dregs because you are. He's getting crumbs and being told he should be grateful for your generosity. Meanwhile all the good parts are being given to everyone else or hoarded for yourself.

How sad.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> He gave you exactly what would make him happy - then you disregarded his feelings.
> 
> Ya, I don't blame him because you made an agreement then broke it.
> 
> ...


It's a no brainer. Hubby is a priority or not to you. Nothing he's communicated to you as his SO is unreasonable. 

If you don't prioritize him, he's not going to prioritize you. And how he doesn't make talking with you important after you've shown he doesnt rank before your girlfriends or grown children, is his call.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rowan said:


> I was married to someone who wanted to spend nearly all of his free time out doing fun things without me. It wasn't that I didn't want to join him, but that he clearly preferred for me not to be there. I was cramping his style. I was a burden, an obligation.
> 
> And, that, I suspect is the message that you're continually conveying to your husband, OP.  Even without the affair, you've still sending him the message that you'd rather do something - anything - without him there with you. And you're sending it over and over and over again. You're telling him you don't really want him. In fact, you resent _having to_ spend time with him. You're like the rebellious teen who's been made to go visit your great aunt for the afternoon, slumped in the corner chair with your arms crossed, sulking and rolling your eyes as you suffer though family time. And then you want kudos because, after all, you did what he wanted.
> 
> ...


Thank you for say this... And for saying it this way. Even, measured, concise....

And totally and completely correct...


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You could have said you had a prior affair.

Your H likely realizes you use sex as a bargaining chip/as a weapon against him.

If you don't want to prioritize time WITH him - why did you stay married to him?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Using a planner to block out days for your husband and then NOT blocking out days for him is bizarre, in my opinion.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Andy1001 said:


> He felt you were throwing him breadcrumbs.
> That’s why it seemed manipulative.
> You say you have adult children so you’re probably older than me but there is one thing I really don’t get about some marriages including yours.Why do people seem to think they have to live the single life while married,it appears to me that you have a busier social life than most single people that I know.


You make a good point that she sounds very busy. But keep in mind that two of her evening obligations this week are work, and one of her 3 nights out every week is also work. Also, she sent the sex request before he was upset, not knowing he was upset.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

What I see from the OP is: a weak, passive husband, a man that is lacking in the balls department (no Wonder why she gets to do, basically whatever she wants), knowing that all she's going to get is a passive-aggresive response. She's eating her cake, and used to it.

Women like this OP would be long gone out of my life, because, Knowing myself, I wouldn't put-up with her **** for a moment.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Ugg indeed.

I can see his point of view. I imagine he feels slighted that you actually have to schedule your time to spend evenings with him. There are a lot of un-communicated assumptions about marriage and one of his was probably that he'd have a warm, loving woman in his home almost every evening. Turns out he married someone more social and "on the go." Someone who doesn't need as much connection time. Someone who probably feels stifled by it. Which makes him feel needy and then he acts petty.

You made an agreement with him, but you did it grudgingly and I think you have every right to renegotiate it.

It sounds like you enjoy being with your husband, but you have other things you want to do too. Is there any way you can involve your husband in some of these things? I think his problem is not the literal time spent together, it's the feeling he has that you would rather be somewhere else, with someone else. AFTER you are done with your friends and business, THEN you come home to him.

Did you husband know you were this social when you married? Is he in favor of the job you have that keeps you busy one night a week? (Could you find a different job?)

I feel for you because it sounds like you love your H and are trying to meet his needs as well as yours, but I do think you are much more active than the average person. The thought of being out of the house 3 nights a week makes me want to crawl into bed and pull the covers up over my head!

I think you have mismatched energy levels and when you talk to him about this hopefully you can communicate YOUR need to be "on the go" just like he has HIS need to be a homebody with his wife.












tigerlily99 said:


> Sometimes I just gotta vent.
> 
> H and I have an ‘policy’ that I only do things outside the home 3 nights a week.
> 
> ...


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@working Wife said: "I feel for you because it sounds like you love your H and are trying to meet his needs"

Really? Loves her Husband? Have you read her previous posts? This OP is a cheater (supposebly "EA only").

That they are a complete missmatch that's for sure. She surely comes as a cake eater where her husband is just an obligation to meet in her busy social calendar, where she gets most of her needs met.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If her husband is sleeping and/or playing on the computer until 9pm every night, why does he need for her to be some before 9pm? He's not interested in spending time with her until he is ready at 9pm.

What is she supposed to be doing at home until 9pm until he can grace her with his company? 

I think that they are mismatched. She needs more social/emotional connection than he is willing to provide.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@EleGirl said "If her husband is sleeping and/or playing on the computer until 9pm every night, why does he need for her to be some before 9pm? He's not interested in spending time with her until he is ready at 9pm."

That most be his passive-aggresive responses. I wonder if this started with his discovery if her suppose EA, or from before; regardless, this couple are a complete missmatch. Neither has the guts to end it. And I suspect, she would end it before he would, because it is obvious that her husband is missing in the man department.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that they are mismatched. She needs more social/emotional connection than he is willing to provide.


And the OP went out and found it. H is in the bargaining stage. Time to throw in the towel.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

As a wife who has cheated on your husband - you aren't even trying to provide your betrayed spouse the tiniest bit of peace of mind/security HE needs.

Why is this STILL all about YOU? Your needs? THaT is what caused the trouble within the marriage to begin with! 

He could be thinking you're out meeting up with other men while "you're away from the house!"

You haven't done "your part" in fixing the damage you caused.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> You make a good point that she sounds very busy. But keep in mind that two of her evening obligations this week are work, and one of her 3 nights out every week is also work. Also, she sent the sex request before he was upset, not knowing he was upset.


They may be work Obligations, but that is not work. Or she would have said she had to work. 

It is probably a happy hours or some other work party. And if she has two jobs, then you know one is not that important. 

No she is a princess, not much doubt about that. He is just too weak to divorce her, like a lot of guys...


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The way you are participating isn't showing HIM he is your priority!

Everything else is more important - then as long as he's still there you settle him down with sex by manipulating him.

He knows it... and you just keep disrespecting him on so many levels.

He's told YOU exactly what he needs from you - yet you won't do it the way he's asked...why not?


You are about to be a single gal... do you know that?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> Ugg indeed.
> 
> I can see his point of view. I imagine he feels slighted that you actually have to schedule your time to spend evenings with him. There are a lot of un-communicated assumptions about marriage and one of his was probably that he'd have a warm, loving woman in his home almost every evening. Turns out he married someone more social and "on the go." Someone who doesn't need as much connection time. Someone who probably feels stifled by it. Which makes him feel needy and then he acts petty.
> 
> ...


All this makes sense until you realize she already cheated on him. Then all bets are off. Who knows maybe before she cheated he was fine with the arrangement. I don't know many people who would be cool with only seeing their cheating spouses 3 nights a week while the other 4 they were out doing who knows what, and the truth is if someone cheats you really have no idea. 

I see this as just another example of why trying to stay with a cheater is just not worth it. Cut your losses and move on.

For her he is just the light in the window. Something that makes you feel safe to come home to.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

This morning I apologized to H for making him feel unloved by over scheduling my week.
We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)
We renegotiated the 3 nights a week OUT to, I agree to be HOME, just available to him and hanging out at home for 3 night a week.
(No expectations, just present)

I appreciated the time y’all took to respond. But geez, you’re a tough crowd. (With certain exclusions)

I was just looking for advice...NOT whether or not I should be married or if I’m worthy of having a husband or whether or not you would tolerate me. Whew!


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Makes we wonder why people bother to get married then plan their life to spend as much time without them as possible. So strange


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

@EleGirl thank you for your first response. I needed that and it gave me the perspective to realize I needed to go back to the drawing board on our ‘agreement’...also I needed some boldness to be ok with that and you are bold! 
@Inabsentia thank you for validating my feeling of needing freedom to be a part of the plan. It also helped me realized that I needed to renegotiate.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So now you negotiated FOUR nights out a week?


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Why does he fall asleep in the evenings?




I am not sure. It’s a point of contention for me because it means he stays up late because he can’t sleep. 
But I love sleep and I feel that I don’t what to get in his case about it since he works all day.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

barbados said:


> Maybe its because you cheated on your husband (according to your previous threads) and now you're still going out multiple times a week. Maybe he doesn't fully trust you anymore.




I can see where you would come to this conclusion. 
We have been in reconciliation for 5 years and I have done the work. I’m not going out to anywhere that he feels unsafe. If he does feel unsafe he lets me know and I answer his questions until he feels good again. Or change my plans to suit his comfort.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

tigerlily99 said:


> I can see where you would come to this conclusion.
> We have been in reconciliation for 5 years and I have done the work. I’m not going out to anywhere that he feels unsafe. If he does feel unsafe he lets me know and I answer his questions until he feels good again. Or change my plans to suit his comfort.




But not really... because he was very clear that he only wanted you OUT 3 nights - yet you crossed that boundary and he showed you his hurt/pain.

Then what YOU did was to offer sex and renegotiate HIS preference... leaving YOU with another day out.


Don't you see how you're disrespecting him?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@tigerlily99 said: "We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)"

Woman you have it made. You gave him some and that was it. He rolled over. Like I previously said you have a husband lacking in the man department, no wonder why you want to stay away. Just close enough to keep the passive-aggresive hubby quietly satisfied.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> How does it go?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I appreciate this. 
I too am a truth seeker and I allow truth to cut me when necessary.
I love my husband very much and he was hurting I could tell, I just got a little tunnel vision as to why. You all helped point out the error of my ways. I cancelled my dinner with a friend and honestly I’m relieved. I was just trying to be a good friend by not canceling, but I’m tired. 

But in the end the truth was as I suspected: he needed sex!


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

tigerlily99 said:


> This morning I apologized to H for making him feel unloved by over scheduling my week.
> We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)
> We renegotiated the 3 nights a week OUT to, I agree to be HOME, just available to him and hanging out at home for 3 night a week.
> (No expectations, just present)
> ...


Dear, we are a tough crowd. 

Do you have any idea how your response looks to everyone here. Do you understand that you are not making your H priority. 

It would be nice if you address that. We would all like for your marriage to succeed, but your entitlement make me think, eventually your husband will bail, but maybe not...


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> @tigerlily99 said: "We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)"
> 
> Woman you have it made. You gave him some and that was it. He rolled over. Like I previously said you have a husband lacking in the man department, no wonder why you want to stay away. Just close enough to keep the passive-aggresive hubby quietly satisfied.



I don’t think he rolled over...like in submission.? He’s just an easily satisfied man. 
Calling him less of a man just because your different is rude.

I knew what he needed and he didn’t yet. It happens sometimes.
I’m not using sex to placate him, I wanted it too!


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> Dear, we are a tough crowd.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Help me understand.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> But not really... because he was very clear that he only wanted you OUT 3 nights - yet you crossed that boundary and he showed you his hurt/pain.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It’s not that I want another day out, it’s that I wanted to be a part of the negotiation process. When we made this ‘deal’ he gave me no choice in he matter. So I realized that I felt resentful.
Actually he thought that he was saying 3 nights in, so when we discussed it that’s how it began. I had to remind him that he had said the other. So it truly was an agreement, no manipulation on my part. 


The sex is actually unrelated to the renegotiation. But I can see how that might be confusing since I said it all together. Sorry.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ahahaha, ok TL


Hopefully you enjoy your husband while with him.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Do all of your married friends spend 4 nights out a week? That's more than lots of single folks who are on the prowl. That is not the behavior of a married woman. I guess if your husband doesn't care it's all good, wouldn't be for me.

re: Tough Crowd
If hearing the truth that you don't want to hear is equated to a tough crowd, then I guess this is a tough crowd. There are plenty of other forums where you can get backslaps and "You go girl"s for your behavior where you won't suffer from hearing anything that might make you aware of your entitled, self-centered attitude. Sorry if that is blunt but there is really no way to sugarcoat it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tigerlily99 said:


> I am not sure. It’s a point of contention for me because it means he stays up late because he can’t sleep.
> But I love sleep and I feel that I don’t what to get in his case about it since he works all day.


Get him checked out by a doctor?


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

@tigerlily99 seems as though everything has worked out. Glad you and your H have communicated and are now on the same page. 

But I do think you did yourself and us a disservice by leaving out a HUGE part of your story-that you cheated. It's hard for some of us to remember everyone's story.

I do wonder if that was a deliberate omission or truly an oversight? Surely you see that is a gamechanger in garnering our opinions? This is, after all, Talk about Marriage.

In any event, I am glad to hear that both of you are happy.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I think maybe I need to clarify what I mean by going out.
And also that this week was an exception, I’m not always ‘out’ 4 evenings a week.

Going out is usually one on one with a girlfriend, like deep discussions about life, religion, family, etc.

Or a meeting that has to do with church events. I was in the women’s ministry team and most of those events were in the evening. But I’m not doing that anymore.

Also I am the lead of a team at our church so I run a monthly meeting on an evening.

Most church event type things are in the evenings and I’m very involved with our church. 
Hubby is not very social and I understand, he works full time and is more introverted.

I recently took this job one day a week that goes until 8:30 (home by 9) to help supplement our income. And also I am in an minimally paid position at our church. (The monthly meeting plus daytime stuff.)

As for the EA I honestly didn’t consider how that would effect this topic. I feel like we are having typical marital issues at this point that are unrelated to the EA.

I see now that it is potentially relevant esp to those who didn’t know about it. 
In the past threads I’ve mentioned it in relation to issues but I really didn’t think about it this time. 

I’m sorry for saying you are a tough crowd. 
I don’t want to be high fives or congratulated for bad behavior, I do appreciate TAM.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> Ugg indeed.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Actually when we got married 25 years ago, he was the social one! So we’ve done a lot of changing.



WorkingWife said:


> Is he in favor of the job you have that keeps you busy one night a week? (Could you find a different job?)


Yes, he is in favor of the job. Plus it’s temporary so it will end mid-December.





WorkingWife said:


> I think you have mismatched energy levels and when you talk to him about this hopefully you can communicate YOUR need to be "on the go" just like he has HIS need to be a homebody with his wife.



Thank you for seeing that. (Mismatched energy levels) And in the end that’s really what we are tying to negotiate is the fact that we are very different people who want to stay in relationship and be able to have a life that we both love...because we genuinely LOVE each other. 
We are working on communicating the things that don’t just come naturally because of our very different ways of interacting with the world.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Every single move you make/words you use should always be considered with the fact that you have betrayed your husband.

You may not be considering it - but you should - and you should understand ALL of these things have a huge impact on Jim... and his wondering what you're doing/who you're with...

And it will affect him that way forever!

You have changed the dynamics of your marriage forever!

He knows you are now capable of betraying him - and every single decision you make should be to consider how HE will feel about it FIRST!

Your feelings became secondary when you had your affair.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I believe....

This is one [of many] where my post was aimed to make wince but not understood.

My post was taken wrong, wrong as written.

If beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, then peppered words can be read as mildly good.

Thank Goodness.

We need more Goodness, less shrill drivel.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> This morning I apologized to H for making him feel unloved by over scheduling my week.
> We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)
> We renegotiated the 3 nights a week OUT to, I agree to be HOME, just available to him and hanging out at home for 3 night a week.
> (No expectations, just present)
> ...


TL, all your husband WANTS is to spend time with you. Do you know HOW MANY wives wish their husbands would want the same? YOU ARE LOVED! Work to find a way for you to delight in that. You both will have a much better life.

As far is mismatched energies, I would like to point out that you are married 25 years and your husband wants to spend his evenings with you! And YOU cheated on him. He LOVES YOU! Life is short, celebrate that because it's rare and it is finite. Not saying not to go out with your girlfriends but still, you are lucky. This is not going to last forever even if you stay married until you die.

One other thing which you might not have thought about. First you had an affair, and every night you go out your husband is home ALONE. How much grace do you expect this man to give you?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> I am not sure. It’s a point of contention for me because it means he stays up late because he can’t sleep.
> But I love sleep and I feel that I don’t what to get in his case about it since he works all day.


Do you work?


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

tigerlily99 said:


> Ugh, what’s a girl to do?


Abide by your agreement.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Do you work?


See post #62


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

tigerlily99 said:


> We are working on communicating the things that don’t just come naturally because of our very different ways of interacting with the world.


I thought it was interesting in your original post that he said something like "But I communicated what I wanted with you." I thought that was odd wording for a man, LOL. I also thought - yes, and she communicated with him that she was going to cancel the dinner IF her friend could reschedule.

Anyhow - are you familiar with Marriage Builders? They have this thing 
called the policy of joint agreement that I thought of when I read your first post. In it you don't agree to anything you don't really agree with. But you also don't do things your spouse is not in agreement with.
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> See post #62


I got that, I meant I wasn't sure this was it or this was on top of a daily job. If she doesn't, it explains their different energy levels. If he is working a full time job to support them and she is out 4 nights a week and even passively resentful at his lack of energy, her getting a full time job is the best way to bring their energy levels closer to each other. I guarantee her level of energy will go down and maybe he won't have to work so hard and he will want to go out again like he liked to do in their youth, as she tells it. 

She wouldn't be the first spouse supported by the other who got entitled and ended up cheating or afterwords just taking his working for granted. It's why I don't believe in marriages where one spouse works and the other doesn't. At the very least in cases like that the spouse who doesn't need to work could be working and contributing to a retirement fund so the working spouse can retire earlier. Even ignoring the plain fairness of the situation, it also gives them common purpose.

I have just seen it too many times. I believe entitlement is the natural outcome with everyone but the most self-aware spouses. Even still, capable human beings are meant to have daily labor, and I don't mean the typical required with domestic upkeep. Modern housekeeping is not a full time job now a days, we are not at the turn of last century. Really NOT having SOME daily job/purpose is only the default of very young children or very old adults. One spouse wholly supporting the other sets up a parent child dynamic. Nothing good comes from that.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> @working Wife said: "I feel for you because it sounds like you love your H and are trying to meet his needs"
> 
> Really? Loves her Husband? Have you read her previous posts? This OP is a cheater (supposebly "EA only").
> 
> That they are a complete missmatch that's for sure. She surely comes as a cake eater where her husband is just an obligation to meet in her busy social calendar, where she gets most of her needs met.


No. I am just now seeing the affair stuff in this thread. :surprise:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tigerlily99 said:


> Ugh, what’s a girl to do?


Put her husband ahead of her extracurricular activities?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rob_1 said:


> @tigerlily99 said: "We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)"
> 
> Woman you have it made. You gave him some and that was it. He rolled over. Like I previously said you have a husband lacking in the man department, no wonder why you want to stay away. Just close enough to keep the passive-aggressive hubby quietly satisfied.


Maybe he was being facetious. Methinks he knows he was being 'soothed.' And probably hates himself for allowing it.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

turnera said:


> Put her husband ahead of her extracurricular activities?


For sure!

Schedule all social activities during his work hours.

The church stuff is enough outside socializing in the evenings.

Why can't you do breakfast or lunch with your friends? Some of them may work? Ok, why don't you work full time and see how your husband feels after a long day ALL week long?

You may look at coming home in the evenings to relax and be in the comfort of family a good idea too?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tigerlily99 said:


> As for the EA I honestly didn’t consider how that would effect this topic. I feel like we are having typical marital issues at this point that are unrelated to the EA.
> 
> I see now that it is potentially relevant esp to those who didn’t know about it.


No, it's especially relevant to your HUSBAND, not us. Your EA will always affect the marriage. There's a woman on this forum in her 70s who just last year left her husband for the cheating he had done 30 years ago. She just couldn't handle it, hide it, ignore it anymore.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When you say ugh, what's a girl to do? Shows a total lack of respect and love for your husband.


More like... he's an after thought and obligation you need to check in on to be sure he's all good with you doing whatever you want.



If you worked full time you'd be darn tired! So tired you wouldn't have time to think of having an affair.


----------



## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I got that, I meant I wasn't sure this was it or this was on top of a daily job. If she doesn't, it explains their different energy levels. If he is working a full time job to support them and she is out 4 nights a week and even passively resentful at his lack of energy, her getting a full time job is the best way to bring their energy levels closer to each other. I guarantee her level of energy will go down and maybe he won't have to work so hard and he will want to go out again like he liked to do in their youth, as she tells it.
> 
> She wouldn't be the first spouse supported by the other who got entitled and ended up cheating or afterwords just taking his working for granted. It's why I don't believe in marriages where one spouse works and the other doesn't. At the very least in cases like that the spouse who doesn't need to work could be working and contributing to a retirement fund so the working spouse can retire earlier. Even ignoring the plain fairness of the situation, it also gives them common purpose.
> 
> I have just seen it too many times. I believe entitlement is the natural outcome with everyone but the most self-aware spouses. Even still, capable human beings are meant to have daily labor, and I don't mean the typical required with domestic upkeep. Modern housekeeping is not a full time job now a days, we are not at the turn of last century. Really NOT having SOME daily job/purpose is only the default of very young children or very old adults. One spouse wholly supporting the other sets up a parent child dynamic. Nothing good comes from that.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> I think maybe I need to clarify what I mean by going out.
> And also that this week was an exception, I’m not always ‘out’ 4 evenings a week.
> 
> Going out is usually one on one with a girlfriend, like deep discussions about life, religion, family, etc.
> ...


Here’s a thought.
How about getting a real job,one that keeps you occupied during the day and brings in a salary.Im sure you and your friends “deep discussions” are putting the world to rights on a molecular level but maybe if you got of your ass and did something that actually means something in this world rather than the next you may use up some of this energy that you have.
As I said just a thought.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> This morning I apologized to H for making him feel unloved by over scheduling my week.
> We made love. (Afterward he said, “ah, all is right with the world now.”)


Men ain't gonna like hearing this, but she's not the only woman whose ever used a little sex to shut up a whining man.

And it works every single time.

Just sayin'.... 0


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Men ain't gonna like hearing this, but she's not the only woman whose ever used a little sex to shut up a whining man.
> 
> And it works every single time.
> 
> Just sayin'.... 0



Oh we love hearing this. But please....a little less talkie and more suckie...











Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Men ain't gonna like hearing this, but she's not the only woman whose ever used a little sex to shut up a whining man.
> 
> And it works every single time.
> 
> Just sayin'.... 0


This is the equivalent to the guy who just buys his wife stuff to make her shut up about something. Yeah it happens, doesn't make it a good relationship though or really fix anything.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Men ain't gonna like hearing this, but she's not the only woman whose ever used a little sex to shut up a whining man.
> 
> And it works every single time.
> 
> Just sayin'.... 0


I know your are right. Only, some of us are not as stupid as we used to be...


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Tigerlily,
I read your first thread and a few of your others, and thought how incredibly tone deaf and self-centered you sounded. That was in 2016. You have been here for 2 1/2 years and still sound the same. 
Your EA affects EVERYTHING in your marriage since you had it and always will. You should really work on some self-awareness and realize how selfish you are. It doesn't matter what the reasons you aren't at home are, and church stuff isn't some righteous reason that gives you carte blanche'.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I really don't think it helps if we just tell her how awful she is. She needs people to help her see it a different way.
@tigerlily99 I hope you come back and talk to us to work through some of this stuff.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have you considered working full time?

That way it levels the working field/amount of energy you may have at the end of a day to socialize outside the home.

I would think your husband would also like knowing more money is being contributed to the household - that way maybe he isn't carrying the bulk of the financial burden.

You get the idea, right? A team player...


----------



## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

This thread made me think because I do understand how easy it is to take on too much and suddenly you are gone 3 or 4 nights in a week. And if that is happening every week....that can be hard on most marriages. Add in a past EA and the impact grows. 


For what to do...be careful about the time you spend away! Keep track of your appointments and work hours in your phone/planner so you know what days to avoid when making plans. If he is open to it (doesn't mind people over), use one of your "nights out" at home and invite your friend over. If your husband doesn't want to do the church stuff, you may need to really limit how much you do with the church and keep it to 1 or 2 events a month, at least for a while as you continue to work on your marriage.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

tigerlily99 said:


> I appreciate this.
> I too am a truth seeker and I allow truth to cut me when necessary.
> I love my husband very much and he was hurting I could tell, I just got a little tunnel vision as to why. You all helped point out the error of my ways. I cancelled my dinner with a friend and honestly I’m relieved. I was just trying to be a good friend by not canceling, but I’m tired.
> 
> But in the end the truth was as I suspected: he needed sex!


Interesting that you were relieved when you canceled the dinner with your friend. Is it possible you are on the go so much not because you necessarily want to be, but because you have trouble saying "no" to other people? 

When married girlfriends of mine want to get together it's almost always lunch. Once in a great while it's an evening out, but that's really rare. 

Regarding your hubby wanting sex -- sex is also intimacy. It does help people connect and stay connected.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

sokillme said:


> I really don't think it helps if we just tell her how awful she is. She needs people to help her see it a different way.
> 
> @tigerlily99 I hope you come back and talk to us to work through some of this stuff.


I agree, but... Where is sokillme and what have you done with him??? (or her)


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> I agree, but... Where is sokillme and what have you done with him??? (or her)


(him), I am getting soft in my old age. Honestly I think I try to concentrate my criticism on the action not on the person. Though I am not sure if I am good at that. Also not saying that is what anyone here is doing. I think there is a difference between someone who doesn't get it, and someone who does get it but still treats others poorly. If you don't get it I concentrate on the action. If I seems like you get it but are just selfish then the problem is the person. In this case I think she really has a blind spot.

Anyway I will try to be less nice going forward. >


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sokillme said:


> (him), I am getting soft in my old age. Honestly I think I try to concentrate my criticism on the action not on the person. Though I am not sure if I am good at that. Also not saying that is what anyone here is doing. I think there is a difference between someone who doesn't get it, and someone who does get it but still treats others poorly. If you don't get it I concentrate on the action. If I seems like you get it but are just selfish then the problem is the person. In this case I think she really has a blind spot.
> 
> Anyway I will try to be less nice going forward. >


But the way that she writes, you want to try and be nice to her. And at the same time, you want to slap some sense into her. 

You will notice that she never denied not sleeping with her "EA" or someone else. I would suspect that H knows of her posting, maybe, and she does not really want to let the cat out of the bag. 

Could be wrong. 

I know this, if I ever thought that a woman was screwing me to shut me up, I would divorce or breakup so quick that it would make her head spin. 

I will say this, I will bet he is waiting till the kids are gone, and then divorces her. I could be wrong, who knows...


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I think there is a difference between someone who doesn't get it, and someone who does get it but still treats others poorly. If you don't get it I concentrate on the action. If I seems like you get it but are just selfish then the problem is the person. In this case I think she really has a blind spot.


 After 2 1/2 years of reading here and over 200 posts if she can't see that blind spot there isn't a big enough convex mirror to make that happen without a little self-awareness, hence my suggestion. With all of that, I would say she gets it and still continues to treat hubby poorly *while playing the victim*. The only way she can help herself is to realize that. Reinforcing her "victim status" surely won't help. It's like she shot her husband but is complaining the recoil hurt her wrist, while completely ignoring his gaping chest wound.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> After 2 1/2 years of reading here and over 200 posts if she can't see that blind spot there isn't a big enough convex mirror to make that happen without a little self-awareness, hence my suggestion. With all of that, I would say she gets it and still continues to treat hubby poorly *while playing the victim*. The only way she can help herself is to realize that. Reinforcing her "victim status" surely won't help. It's like she shot her husband but is complaining the recoil hurt her wrist, while completely ignoring his gaping chest wound.


This is a valid take too.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

After reading all of your posts and a lot of introspection, I have a few things things I want to share: 
First I want to say that this post and most of my other posts are written at my worst. Written from the middle of a fight, a frustration, a moment of self-centeredness. 
I don’t live my life there.
So some of your responses about my character and whether my husband should divorce me (Which isn’t even on the table), have been hard to take. That being said,
I am trying to understand the nature of Internet forums and I haven’t tried to defend myself too much or explain too many things because it seems like it looks like I’m being disingenuous.

BUT now I’m going to do just that, And let the chips fall where they may. 
Concerning the EA, no, it did NOT get physical. There were no physical boundaries crossed. It was all emotional and mostly within MY heart, as far as I know. I never did know for sure if the OM was genuinely interested in me or not. I only say that, to explain that we weren’t professing any secret feelings to each other. We were just chatting about neutral stuff...a lot.

The reason it was particularly devastating to my husband is because he knows that I am an empathetic, feeling, person who lives from my heart (probably why several of you think I’m so self-centered) and that when my heart shifts, that’s my whole world shifting.

It was VERY important for him to know that I had not crossed physical lines with OM because he would not have taken me back if so.
I knew this too. And I would not have been able to live with myself if I had crossed that line and didn’t tell my husband. 

Again because I am a person who lives from my emotions (and am still learning to regulate this) I would not even be capable of deceiving H if it had gone further.
I did not even try to deceive him during the EA. He had full access to my passwords, Facebook, email, cell phone, etc.
He knew that OM and I chatted, he knew that we messaged each other, and both OM and I talked to H about those conversations. (He was a friend of H)
The only thing H didn’t know was that my heart was disconnecting from him.
I mistakenly thought he didn’t care..

And I willl be honest, and have been honest with H, I was preparing to stray. I was on the cusp of a full blown affair if the opportunity had presented itself. I thought I was in love with another man. And in that moment it’s true, I am completely guilty. 

But God saw fit to circumvent that story and the whole thing literally blew up in my face. I took responsibility and apologized to OM’s wife thus sealing my fate as never welcome in their lives again.

I was devastated. I had betrayed my marriage, I had betrayed my own morals, and I entered into a 9 month depression at that point.

I can completely agree with the visual that 
Rubix Cubed painted, I was hurting from the recoil on the gun that blasted a hole in my dear husband’s heart.
I didn’t even know I had that much power. The proverbial gun went off and all I could see was my pain.
I was selfish because I didn’t realize I could hurt him so much since I thought he didn’t care

H, at this time valiantly came to MY rescue and set himself and his gaping wound aside to nurse ME back to health (Something I will FOREVER be indebted to him for) 
When I came to my senses i finally did see the ‘blood’ gushing out of the heart wound I had caused my husband. (Reading TAM stories helped with this a lot.)
I began to pull myself out of my stupor and become the woman I always should have been and take responsibility for the mess I had created. I asked for his forgiveness. I told him I didn’t want to lose him. I learned to regulate my strong emotions. (Still learning) I learned how to protect my husband’s heart, by putting up emotional boundaries and safe-guards, making sure I only did things HE felt safe with me doing...being open and willing to change all of my life and schedule, as long as necessary, so he could feel cared for and safe. (Examples are, going to a women only gym, not going out with certain friends, not drinking unless H was around, stepping back from certain commitments and roles in order to work on us, etc.)

We have only this year, been able to return to some semblance of normalcy.
Early this year we took classes together and we now coach other couples to walk through their hardships. This also helps us feel like our pain isn’t for nought.
We check in on each other’s inner world regularly. And we’re honest.
We have learned so much more about ourselves and each other.
I’m honest with him about my emotional needs because, whether all of you believe it or not, the reason we lost connection is because I thought I was just supposed to serve him and give him everything he wanted forever in order to be a good wife. And I did that for almost 20 years. But I wasn’t being honest about me! So he never got a chance to know me. And when I was needing him the most, he didn’t know.

The reason I’m taking the time to set this stage isn’t to make excuses but it IS to explain that we are just now stepping back into ‘normal life’ 

And some things we are still working out, this particular issue about my schedule vs his desire for me to be home, being one of them. We started having this issue about 5/6 years into our marriage so his concerns are not directly related to the EA anymore. But I do take to heart the point that the EA will always be in the back of his mind and certainly has forever changed the landscape of our marriage.

I have more to say, but my phone is about to die and this is too long already. 
Please be kind to me.
I’m trying very hard to see this blind spot you speak of.
I will share my introspection about that soon.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

tigerlily99 said:


> I am trying to understand the nature of Internet forums and I haven’t tried to defend myself too much or explain too many things because it seems like it looks like I’m being disingenuous.



There's a lot of failed psychotherapists round here... very skilled at twisting things around until you've had enough and decide to leave. Unfortunately, if you don't want to see that side of the coin, just don't post. Having said that, there is also a lot of good advice... sometimes there is too much stuff going on and it's difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

tigerlily99 said:


> After reading all of your posts and a lot of introspection, I have a few things things I want to share:
> First I want to say that this post and most of my other posts are written at my worst. Written from the middle of a fight, a frustration, a moment of self-centeredness.
> I don’t live my life there.
> So some of your responses about my character and whether my husband should divorce me (Which isn’t even on the table), have been hard to take. That being said,
> ...


Good post. And good job doing the heavy lifting. And you are taking the harsh comments like a champ- I see no defensiveness on your part. You generally have your hat in your hand and you are listening and still willing to improve and learn. Kudos to you. I wish you all the best.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Beach123 said:


> Have you considered working full time?
> 
> That way it levels the working field/amount of energy you may have at the end of a day to socialize outside the home.
> 
> ...


Can you answer this one?

I think you could repay your husband by working more to lighten his burden... after all - he has carried a lot for you.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So how long ago was your affair? 

One of the blind spots of which you speak that you don't see is this 



> so his concerns are not directly related to the EA anymore


it doesn't work that way, almost every concern is going to be heavily tainted by the affair. Going out without him and having a large invested life that he is not a part of is almost certainly going to cause him some fear and worse pain. You have demonstrated that you are not safe when it comes to that. Maybe you have done all the work, but even still that is never going to go away. The damage is done. Honestly the fact that you don't see that is probably a symptom of where you struggle in your marriage, why you could have an affair, and why everyone was hard on you. I hope you noticed the message was pretty consistent though. Lot's of post, all saying the same thing.

You start by saying you were at your worst when you posted this thread, but tell the truth, isn't that defense really - I was at my worst so I was too honest. Lots of times when we are angry or upset we say things that normally we keep hidden. One thing I would ask you is after you naturally get defensive when reading the paragraphs below, that when that goes away you really think about what I wrote and see if I am not onto something here. It will probably be painful but if I am right it may change the dynamics a little bit. 

So I'm sorry to say this to you but you just don't seem that mature. I feel like and I have consistently feel like your post almost always lack empathy for your husband. I think you are an emotional person, and at times have been a very emotionally needy person (hence the affair) but you have taken that to mean you are an emotionally mature person or at least the more emotionally mature person in the marriage. I think this is a common problem with people who cheat. I think it is a common misconception to think people who are very focused on their emotional needs are somehow much more in touch with their emotions then people who are not so outwardly emotional and don't require as much emotional attention. That just isn't the case, lots of time people who are highly emotionally focused (usually at what they are missing) are really less emotionally mature. The reason why they are emotional focused is because that have not learned to discipline these emotions. They don't have the tools to easily nourish their emotions so they seek out unhealthy ways to do that. Like a alcoholic who deals with depression by drinking. They also have not learn when some emotions or feeling are inappropriate and need to be stomped on. 

It's a part of maturing. Just like getting up and going to work every day or being an adult and skipping something that you know would be enjoyable because you have to take your kids to soccer practice. Or whatever the sacrifices we make because we have commitments. It's about having less self gratification because we have responsibilities. Emotional needs are no different. For instance as long as I stay married I know that I will never have those butterfly feelings that come from a new relationship. That's OK though. As an adult I know that I will never have my summers off like I did when I was a kid. As different as these two things are when it relates to maturity they are one and the same. Any kind of commitment will include sacrifices as well. It's why this kind of Disney thinking about love and marriage leads to such disappointment, but there is NO panacea to happiness. In a lot of way, love, relationships and marriage are a disciple that lead to happiness. Like learning to play the piano, but they are not a gateway to happiness. 

Seems to me this is what led to your affair. You allowed yourself the freedom to convince yourself that your husband wasn't attuned to your emotions and therefore something in your marriage and life was missing. From your posts you still seem to be saying this in some way. Another thing that stands out is you think that because you didn't have sex in your affair, it makes this whole thing a lot easier on your husband. I submit to you that even if he doesn't outwardly say it or ever really get a definitive (let me express to you how I feel) sense of that, that doesn't make that true. I can think of any more awful type of affair then to have my wife fall in love with a good friend of mine. I would also assume that your husband is probably frustrated by his inability to satisfy you emotionally. He is not stupid he know and I am sure you have made him aware of his failure there. I would guess long before your affair and even afterwords though you may not have said as much. Think about it, if my wife had cheated emotionally, fallen in love with my friend and still years later was going out 4 nights a week I would be acutely aware that something is missing in our marriage and that spending time with me was not fulfilling for her. Very, very hard. 

My contention is that you suffer from a kind of inner focus that most WS do which is exactly the thing that keeps you from feeling close to your husband. As I have been posting on this board I find it is not a coincidence that I have now pretty much asked these questions consistently to people who cheat. It's very much a pattern. So I will ask you. 


What do you think your husband thinks when he thinks about your marriage? 

What do you think he feels?

Do you think he thinks it has been a success?

Do you think he feels like a success when it comes to you, his primary relationship in his life (you)? 

Have you asked him?

How do you think you affair makes him think of himself?

Have you in anyway told him that you falling in love with his best friend was because something was missing in your marriage, the implication that something is wrong with his love for you?

If your husband had fallen in love with your friend how would you feel if after he apologized but afterwards he spent 4 nights a week doing extracurricular activities how would that make you feel about your connection to him?

Is your husband happy with his life?

Is he proud of his marriage?

Are you sure he is content to live the entire rest of his life with someone who is really primarily concerned by fill her needs without much thought to his?

Is this the marriage he wanted? One where he has to start a fight with his wife to get her to be around him more then 3 nights a week?

How do you think that makes him feel about himself?

Do you often ask yourself questions like this?

Do you ask yourself these questions when you make choices that effect your husband?

If not why not?

Does he feel safe with the person he gave all his emotional power and security to (you)?

What is your responsibility in your marriage and to your husband? (Hint the last question gives you the answer)

What is more important in marriage your responsibility to yourself or your husband? Be honest. (and hint if you are honest and you say yourself then you shouldn't be married because that is NOT love).

You want fulfillment, how much of his fulfillment (in his marriage) is your responsibility?​
You should always be asking yourself these question especially now after you had an affair but everyone should be asking yourself a variation of these questions about all your relationships in your life. It's these selfless questions that make you emotionally mature and attune to yourself. That is what responsibility is about. And after an affair you should be asking even harsher ones. I know this is painful but think about it, the fact that you needed to post on here asking about his pain from you going out 4 nights a week, that you were not able and still seem unable to see this in the context in your affair is a very large tell that you are NOT doing this. 

So finally and here is the bottom line. My contention is you are not emotionally bonded the way you want to be, not because of anything to do with your husband or marriage but because your primary focus is your own emotional needs. I suspect if you really start thinking of your husband first in everything you do, asking yourself these questions above when you make decisions you will start to feel much closer and emotionally connected to your husband. You will start to be curious about how he feels, and he will start to feel safer opening up to you. This will start the kinds of dialogs that you had with this boyfriend of yours and you will have a better marriage because of that. You are married, your life is no longer your own or about your needs. In a good marriage it should be about his needs for you, and your needs for him. It's OK to say, hey I have these needs, it's even OK to eventually say if you don't provide for these needs I can't keep doing this. It's not OK to abandon your responsibility to him while you are married. And it is really not OK to go into a marriage thinking that the point is to fulfill your needs, not unless that was strictly made clear. Beside a marriage like that is going to fail, just like marring for money rarely ever works either. Marriage and love is about giving up your own needs and making the focus on your spouses. 

Instead of investing in yourself invest in your husband and see if that doesn't change your attitude.
_
Or maybe I am wrong, I am very open to the fact I might be a failed psychotherapists as said above. One thing I know is I should get paid for all the stuff I have typed in the last two days! And also I must be losing my mind writing so much!!_


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

sokillme said:


> So how long ago was your affair?


It was 5-1/2 years ago.



sokillme said:


> Going out without him and having a large invested life that he is not a part of is almost certainly going to cause him some fear and worse pain.


He is not pained by me going ‘without him’ per say, because he is truly not interested in joining me. One of the things that i have changed over the years is expecting him to be a part of all the rest of my life and giving him grief over it. He has been much relieved to have me totally accept that he is happy to be home doing his thing and I no longer pressure him to be or do anything different.

After so many were saying this I got concerned and asked him if this issue had anything to do with the fact that I had an affair. 
He thought for a minute and said, ‘no, is there something I should be worried about?’

I think that answer both confirms what you are saying as well as what I am saying. Ha!





sokillme said:


> You start by saying you were at your worst when you posted this thread, but tell the truth, isn't that defense really - I was at my worst so I was too honest.


No, my point was, that this is one issue and the rest of my marriage is going really well. 




sokillme said:


> So I'm sorry to say this to you but you just don't seem that mature. I feel like and I have consistently feel like your post almost always lack empathy for your husband. I think you are an emotional person, and at times have been a very emotionally needy person (hence the affair) but you have taken that to mean you are an emotionally mature person or at least the more emotionally mature person in the marriage.


I agree with you on this concerning me 5 years ago, heck, even 3 years ago. I have grown a lot over the last 5 years. 
I have matured a lot. And my H and I have done this growing together, which is awesome!



sokillme said:


> I think this is a common problem with people who cheat. I think it is a common misconception to think people who are very focused on their emotional needs are somehow much more in touch with their emotions then people who are not so outwardly emotional and don't require as much emotional attention. That just isn't the case, lots of time people who are highly emotionally focused (usually at what they are missing) are really less emotionally mature. The reason why they are emotional focused is because that have not learned to discipline these emotions. They don't have the tools to easily nourish their emotions so they seek out unhealthy ways to do that. Like a alcoholic who deals with depression by drinking. They also have not learn when some emotions or feeling are inappropriate and need to be stomped on.


I totally agree with you. All of this is what I have learned about myself in the last 5 years. I have really especially learned to respect my husbands non-vocal way of processing his emotions.
I have taken responsibility for not knowing it was ok to share my emotional world with him and therefore he didn’t know me, couldn’t know me, and me opening up to a stranger to happened to have the ‘gift of gab’ was a paltry substitute for the real connection that H and I have now. 



sokillme said:


> It's a part of maturing. Just like getting up and going to work every day or being an adult and skipping something that you know would be enjoyable because you have to take your kids to soccer practice. Or whatever the sacrifices we make because we have commitments. It's about having less self gratification because we have responsibilities. Emotional needs are no different. For instance as long as I stay married I know that I will never have those butterfly feelings that come from a new relationship. That's OK though. As an adult I know that I will never have my summers off like I did when I was a kid. As different as these two things are when it relates to maturity they are one and the same. Any kind of commitment will include sacrifices as well. It's why this kind of Disney thinking about love and marriage leads to such disappointment, but there is NO panacea to happiness. In a lot of way, love, relationships and marriage are a disciple that lead to happiness. Like learning to play the piano, but they are not a gateway to happiness.


Very well stated. I appreciate your analogies and articulation of a concept that is very hard to accept. Especially the idea that marriage is a discipline that leads to happiness. Thats where we are....having been together since we were kids we are now in a space of learning who we are individually and how that fits together within marriage. Sometimes that is super ‘clunky’ hence my original post and our big fight. 



sokillme said:


> Seems to me this is what led to your affair. You allowed yourself the freedom to convince yourself that your husband wasn't attuned to your emotions and therefore something in your marriage and life was missing. From your posts you still seem to be saying this in some way.


I’m splitting hairs here, but I was convinced that H was not attuned to my emotional needs when in truth it was MY FAULT because I believed I was not supposed to ever let him know my needs. (Due to childhood stuff as well as misunderstanding his reactions to things) 
A person who denies having needs becomes the neediest person in the end. 

That’s what led to my affair.

I admit to still wrestling with this old way of thinking and in the issue addressed in this thread and all of the feedback, I am seeing that I have to face some of that again. Thank you.




sokillme said:


> Another thing that stands out is you think that because you didn't have sex in your affair, it makes this whole thing a lot easier on your husband.


That’s a misunderstanding on your part, I only mentioned that because several people on this thread kept alluding to the idea that I probably HAD sex with OM and just didn’t tell my H.
I originally was going to just let that go because I know the truth, but then Blues Power said again that I never denied it and I decided to dive in.
I actually DO feel that my affair is WORSE than if it had been just a sexual thing...except for the fact that H would’ve divorced me over anything physical.
So it’s better for ME that it wasn’t physical because my H was willing to stay married to me, but it’s not better for him at all. 



sokillme said:


> I would also assume that your husband is probably frustrated by his inability to satisfy you emotionally. He is not stupid he know and I am sure you have made him aware of his failure there. I would guess long before your affair and even afterwords though you may not have said as much. Think about it, if my wife had cheated emotionally, fallen in love with my friend and still years later was going out 4 nights a week I would be acutely aware that something is missing in our marriage and that spending time with me was not fulfilling for her. Very, very hard.


Before the affair, no, H had no clue that anything was wrong or that I was unhappy. He was sailing along on cloud 9...his wording is that he was on the party train thinking all was well, then it derailed and crashed and he was in absolute shock. 
Yes, after the affair he has felt very inadequate, and struggles a lot with worrying that he is not enough for me. The problem in this particular issue, my ‘blind spot’ is that I didn’t know that me being home even if he is otherwise engaged, makes him feel connected to me. That makes no sense to me since i am a ‘face to face’ kind of person. so I was struggling to understand that for him it’s the same. now i get that. 



sokillme said:


> So I will ask you. (...Questions...) You should always be asking yourself these question especially now after you had an affair but everyone should be asking yourself a variation of these questions about all your relationships in your life. It's these selfless questions that make you emotionally mature and attune to yourself. That is what responsibility is about. And after an affair you should be asking even harsher ones.


I am keeping your questions and looking over them to see if there are any that I am not addressing. thank you for taking the time to write those out.



sokillme said:


> So finally and here is the bottom line. My contention is you are not emotionally bonded the way you want to be, not because of anything to do with your husband or marriage but because your primary focus is your own emotional needs.


I actually DO feel close to my husband which is why I didn’t understand his need in this area. Duh! (On me) Now that I understand that me just being home makes him feel secure then I get it.



sokillme said:


> I suspect if you really start thinking of your husband first in everything you do, asking yourself these questions above when you make decisions you will start to feel much closer and emotionally connected to your husband. You will start to be curious about how he feels, and he will start to feel safer opening up to you. This will start the kinds of dialogs that you had with this boyfriend of yours and you will have a better marriage because of that.


i agree with this concept and i understand why you think I don’t do this, because I am on the other side of the pendulum swing. For the first 18 year what you described is literally how I conducted marriage. But in the process I just became a reflection of my H and his needs and desires. I was 18 when we got married and for 20 years I tried to be the perfect wife and lost who I was, by 38 I went looking for ‘her’. Emotionally i was 18 when I did that. Hence lots of stupid decisions and actions. I’ve grown up a lot in 5 years and still have a long way to go!
H and I do now have those dialogs and much better connection than I ever could have had with OM!
I’ve always sought to know how he feels and hear his heart, I just don’t always understand it. that’s why I came here. 



sokillme said:


> You are married, your life is no longer your own or about your needs. In a good marriage it should be about his needs for you, and your needs for him. It's OK to say, hey I have these needs, it's even OK to eventually say if you don't provide for these needs I can't keep doing this. It's not OK to abandon your responsibility to him while you are married. And it is really not OK to go into a marriage thinking that the point is to fulfill your needs, not unless that was strictly made clear. Beside a marriage like that is going to fail, just like marring for money rarely ever works either. Marriage and love is about giving up your own needs and making the focus on your spouses.


Yep!

Thank you Sokillme for taking this time for a total stranger.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tigerlily99 said:


> The reason it was particularly devastating to my husband is because he knows that I am an empathetic, feeling, person who lives from my heart (probably why several of you think I’m so self-centered) and that when my heart shifts, that’s my whole world shifting.


Wow. You're such a loving, giving, caring, feeling person that it gets misconstrued as being self-centered?

tigerlily, I like you. but you are your own worst enemy. You kind of remind me of my own daughter. Amazing, caring person - as long as she gets what she wants. Just tonight, I had a conversation with her new husband; told him not to let her get away with too much.



> I was devastated. I had betrayed my marriage, I had betrayed my own morals, and I entered into a 9 month depression at that point.
> 
> H, at this time valiantly came to MY rescue and set himself and his gaping wound aside to nurse ME back to health (Something I will FOREVER be indebted to him for)


Ok, here's why I have to ask. FOREVER! FOREVER! You'll be FOREVER indebted to your husband for YOUR transgressions. 

And yet you come back here complaining that he's encroaching on your 'personal' time and being whiny about it.

What happened to FOREVER INDEBTED?



> We have learned so much more about ourselves and each other. I’m honest with him about my emotional needs because, whether all of you believe it or not, the reason we lost connection is because I thought I was just supposed to serve him and give him everything he wanted forever in order to be a good wife. And I did that for almost 20 years. But I wasn’t being honest about me! So he never got a chance to know me. And when I was needing him the most, he didn’t know.
> 
> The reason I’m taking the time to set this stage isn’t to make excuses but it IS to explain that we are just now stepping back into ‘normal life’
> 
> And some things we are still working out, this particular issue about *my schedule vs his desire for me to be home*, being one of them.


So the thing is, HE wants a woman who will be home, be there for him. That is a TOP EMOTIONAL NEED for him. I recognize it because it was my dad's #1 need. He left my mom for it. 

If you aren't that woman, just be honest with him. If your 'needs' to be with other people, do things, is stronger than your need to please your husband - the ONE person you're supposed to love more than yourself, just be honest. Move on. Set him free to find the right kind of woman for him.

Of course, that would require that you get a full-time job to support yourself.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why aren't you willing to work full time in order to give your EVER loving husband a break so maybe he doesn't have to be so tired at the end of the day?

Are you willing to work moreknowing that you do owe it to him to make up for your cheating?

Why haven't you answered my question when I've asked?


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> Can you answer this one?
> 
> 
> 
> I think you could repay your husband by working more to lighten his burden... after all - he has carried a lot for you.




Yes I have considered working and hubby and I have discussed it extensively.
At this point he is happy with the arrangement we have.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> Why aren't you willing to work full time in order to give your EVER loving husband a break so maybe he doesn't have to be so tired at the end of the day?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




How would me working give him a break? He would still be required to work 40 hours a week.

I feel like you have formed your opinion of me @Beach123 and there’s probably not much I could say to change it.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Working a full week may help you understand how tired he is at the end of each day and you may look forward to being home in the evenings more than you plan to now.

Is it possible if you did that he could retire earlier than planned?

I haven't formed an opinion... just trying to think extra hard about ways for you both to have more time together and/or similar energy with each other. Some times it's a matter of considering things that may not have been considered before.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tigerlily99 said:


> Yes I have considered working and hubby and I have discussed it extensively.
> At this point he is happy with the arrangement we have.


Then I suggest you pick some place to volunteer at. Find something worthwhile to fill your life with; I think it will make a huge difference in your level of happiness and direction.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Beach123 said:


> Working a full week may help you understand how tired he is at the end of each day and you may look forward to being home in the evenings more than you plan to now.
> 
> Is it possible if you did that he could retire earlier than planned?
> 
> I haven't formed an opinion... just trying to think extra hard about ways for you both to have more time together and/or similar energy with each other. Some times it's a matter of considering things that may not have been considered before.




I stand corrected then. I may have mixed your question about working, with some other people’s comments about me.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

The suggestion of volunteering is a good one.

Can you volunteer to fill in your time during the week so that your away from home 40-45 hours a week being productive, busy and tired?

That way you would empathize more with how your husband must feel at the end of each day.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> Yes I have considered working and hubby and I have discussed it extensively.
> At this point he is happy with the arrangement we have.


Is he happy or does he just know that you are going to do what you want. Really that seems to be much of your answer to everyone. You politely tell us that we make good points but we are wrong, or you used to be like that but now it's different. 

Thing is we aren't the ones posting on the site because our spouses are mad at us. 

You have bet a very large part of your life on your husband's grace.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

tigerlily99 said:


> How would me working give him a break? He would still be required to work 40 hours a week.
> 
> I feel like you have formed your opinion of me @Beach123 and there’s probably not much I could say to change it.


He could retire sooner, all the financial responsibility would not be on his shoulders which at the very least could ease stress levels. Maybe you could use the extra money to do some fun things together.


----------



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I wanted to let you all know that your responses have helped me to take a harder look at the situation and I’ve discovered a different perspective on something. 

I realized something I haven’t understood about my husband’s request for me to be home more.
In my initial post I mentioned the part about him napping and playing computer until 9pm so i didn’t understand why he was so upset with me when I was home by that time anyway. 
That in particular is why I was coming to you guys with the ‘what’s a girl to do?’ question. 

A little background first: In the past my H had a really hard time with my need for more time with him. He used to say I was too complicated. Needed more from him than he was able to give. And that he isn’t a ‘talker’ so I needed to find other people to process with. (These are hurts from our past, pre & post-EA.)

He has also made it clear to me in the past that he has a high need for alone time and that he doesn’t need much human interaction to be perfectly fine with life. (Unlike me)

I learned to give him more freedom, stop trying to make him ‘be like me’ and stop pressuring him to do things that just don’t fit for him.
It was a good move on my part. It made me less needy, less reliant on him to be my sole source of social interaction. Through this process I’ve always tried to be very aware of hm and checking in on him and his needs and desires.

He’s self-proclaimed easy to please! He says this over and over again. 

So that’s how we arrived here, at this post, he seemed fine...I’m checking in verbally with his needs for the past several weeks, and then when I checked in last week, as is our weekly agreement, and told him I had overbooked myself I misunderstood him about rescheduling with my friend.

That’s where the confusion came in.
In retrospect I see that he was just being understanding thinking that once we get through this busy season, we’ll have time together.
(Btw it was a mutually busy season not just my busy)

Sooo, this is what I’m finally getting through my thick skull...

This is yet another area that I have misunderstood his need for time with me.

Turnera put it well when she said,



turnera said:


> So the thing is, HE wants a woman who will be home, be there for him. That is a TOP EMOTIONAL NEED for him. I recognize it because it was my dad's #1 need. He left my mom for it.



He doesn’t need face-to-face time like I do, he doesn’t require deep conversations like I do, so he thinks it’s hurtful that I want to come home at 9pm and have two hours together. He actually needs MORE time together than I do.
He wants to fall asleep on the couch and wake up to me still there, he wants to know that I’m somewhere in the house even if we aren’t chatting or doing the same thing.

To ME this is not meaningful. To ME this has actually felt hurtful because he says ‘I want you home’ and then doesn’t always spend time with me, BUT since the responses on this thread and discussing this more thoroughly with him I am finally getting it.
That’s HIS idea of a happy marriage, having a wife who is home and available.
And in actually he needs more time than I do!
Which actually makes me feel great, and happy to give that to him. Esp since he also has room for me to do what I like also.

Before understanding that this week, I thought he was trying to control me. 

Also, to clarify, he does give me those times that I need. The face-to-face, deep conversation times. We get up before he goes to work and drink coffee together almost every day and talk about whatever I want to talk about. I try to draw him out during these times too. If he’s up for it he’ll share, and if not I’ll just talk and ask for his input.
It makes me very happy and connected and I love that he gets me and is willing to give me that time.

I just didn’t understand. 

So, thank you all for your thoughts, ideas and input.

If I have any other things come up I think I will just add to this thread to avoid the confusion that arose about our past and you guys thinking I was trying to hide it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like an excellent step in intellectual growth, tigerlilly. Good on you!


----------

