# I love you but Im not in love with you



## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

Ive been married for 16 years, 3 children and an up and down marriage. We go great for awhile then things go down hill, well I was away for 7 months working, she would send letters stating she misses me, loves me and cant wait till Im home because she feels safer and more secure when Im home.

I come home on November 4th and things didnt seem right, I saw her infatuated on facebook and when I did my digging found she was having an emotional affair. I brought that to her attention that I was aware of this, we discussed it and I moved past it, we seemed to have resolved our issues with that.

Weeks go by, I love you texts sent, I sent her a dozen roses with one fake one with a note, "I will love you until the last rose dies." At night I would tell her I dont want to lose her and she assured me I wouldnt.

Suddenly last Friday night she said it, I love you but Im not in love with you. I was shocked, I thought, "why in the hell did you lead me on? She said it isnt sudden, she wants her independence, her identity back etc...

So we begin to talk and I have noticed how there has been NO affection to me and our children, our children have come to me this week and said that mom doesnt hug them, doesnt say I love you. She sleeps a ridiculous amount of time, one minute shes wide awake and the next shes out cold.

No interest in much but TV and movies. Just dead to everyone. So we begin to research her feelings and how we can fix this, we started yesterday to keep a journal, open up about everything and made a commitment to fix this, her emphasizing TRY!

It feels like she just wants to be friends, like we are going to put all this work into this for the outcome to be friends and there I have wasted a year or years rebuilding this. 

I am at a loss, I dont know what to do and we are not going to try counseling, too many horror stories. One hour a week isnt going to do nothing but bring up past anger. 

Have you been here? Can you give me some real world advice and not text book knowledge please?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

This is a good place to start.

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books

This also has a strong whiff of a physical affair. Investigate, but keep suspicions to yourself. If that is the case, she will demonise you in her own mind to justify the affair. Wiser folk will post shortly.

If you do split up, you will have to ensure you are ready to stand on your own two feet emotionally. It is early, but it is a good place to start. Work out and remember what you enjoy in life independently. Being an independent man should make you more attractive anyway, but it is for your sake and no-one elses.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

How old are your children? Is she a stay at home mom? I second the depression possibility. Possible identity issues. Maybe she feels like she's losing herself staying at home. If that's the case. Just thinking out loud and going on my own past issues. We will need more info.


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

Yes she is suffering from depression, she has admitted that to me and she has some emotional issues from childhood that needs to be examined, we have also discussed the possibility of mild bipolar, due to some of the ups and downs. She was so against an affair, spoke of it like abortion, totally against it, thought people who did that were scum. So these episodes of the dishonesty, unloyalty and disconnection is SO not her. She is open for a counselor, the affair wasnt physical, we are in Minnesota and the other guy in NJ. Kids are 15,14 and 11. The oldest 2 have expressed to her that if this marriage breaks up they couldnt forgive her.

She was a stay at home mom for years, isnt any longer, I work from home so I am the stay at home dad for the most part, besides being gone for work for 7 months that was the longest weve ever been apart.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

You both are going to need counseling. There are a lot of underlying issues that have to be resolved. Was there any consequences for the affair? What would stop her from having another? Without treatment for the depression she may do it again to seek out that excitement. What about you and your feelings through this? Are you having trust issues now?


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

Hopefull363 said:


> You both are going to need counseling. There are a lot of underlying issues that have to be resolved. Was there any consequences for the affair? What would stop her from having another? Without treatment for the depression she may do it again to seek out that excitement. What about you and your feelings through this? Are you having trust issues now?


I've been to counseling myself, she is just starting to see she needs it. As far as consequences, the kid's have laid it out to her, she does it again and they're living with dad
She had my daughter who is 11 involved as well. The boys knew something was up, they were friends with her on Facebook
No more Facebook for either of us
As far as trust issues, no, she doesn't hide her phone, texts when she's on her way and she does seem to feel a nit of guilt
The other day I had a 8 page letter describing everything I love about her and what I miss, not a tear shed. No emotion
Like I said, this is soooo opposite of her
We see a doctor on Wednesday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

thank you


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> Weeks go by, I love you texts sent, I sent her a dozen roses with one fake one with a note, "I will love you until the last rose dies." At night I would tell her I dont want to lose her and she assured me I wouldnt.
> 
> Suddenly last Friday night she said it, I love you but Im not in love with you. I was shocked, I thought, "why in the hell did you lead me on? She said it isnt sudden, she wants her independence, her identity back etc...


She isn't responding to your gestures of affection. Please stop. You can still be there for her if she is truly suffering from a personal problem but right now it makes you look really needy. 

She is against affairs yet she has had an EA? Stay vigilant and watch her actions closely. When you hear those words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" many times that follows the typical cheaters script. Do your research and you'll see many examples of this. Many real life examples.

We'll need more info. on your situation but it sounds like you are initiating a lot of the work to fix your marriage. You need to stop. Her actions should tell you a lot about whether she is serious about saving your marriage. She had an EA and now she needs to find herself? Again this follows the cheaters script. 

How is your sex life? Any increase or decrease since the EA? How were things in the relationship when you left that 7 months? Do she go out with friends and coworkers?


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

Our sex life is good, not great. She went and bought two books by Dr. Phil, Relationship Rescue. 

I know shes truly into fixing this but that EA really threw her off. And I have been doing a lot of reading and yes, these words seem to always follow the affair. 

She doesnt go out at all, either its with me or our kids. We dont have a lot of friends we do stuff with so I am not concerned about her running around I guess.

Things in the relationship before I left were good, needed some work here and there but overall good, it was me being gone that really started this off. 

I want to email this guy she was talking to and let him know how he has destroyed a family but I know it wont matter to him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I'd sit down with her with the finances (unless you're rich), and let her see what living without you means financially. Many women fantasize about a great life alone, until they realize they'll be in a tiny apartment with no money.

And get her the book Not Just Friends so she can see what this EA is all about.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

She's on the fence about you and your marriage. Made obvious by the fact that she emphasizes that she will "TRY". What did you uncover when you discovered the EA? Your children imposed a consequence on her. What did you do? You won't be able to nice her out of the fog of infatuation. You need to set your boundaries and be prepared to enforce them. What are you willing to put up with?


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

Turnera, she is aware that she would be in a studio apartment without me, I told her that i would not support her in any way if she made this decision. She also knows that the children would more than likely come live with me, they too have expressed the no affection they get.

Trying, I discovered her telling this guy things Ive been wanting to hear since day 1, she says its easier to type it than say it. The EA started 5 days after our wedding anniversary in August and it was all this talk about movies and vampires and all that. This guy is so infatuated with whatever it is my wife finds interesting so she bought it. She called him "silly" and "a smart man" and talked about how she "likes bad boys" and hes a bad boy.... 

Ive laid it down, absolutely no more social media and if this happens again I am out and she will never speak to me again. Ive said Im not going to work on this if your end result is and will be that you just want to be friends, I will not be friends with a liar, cheater and deceiver. 

She had a girl friend on facebook who was splitting with her husband and her BF she met on FB was moving from Florida to Pennsylvania, leaving his wife and child so I think it was this whole fantasy of this romance that attracted her to this sort of thing. I saw she had wrote that on her EA's thread that it worked for Amanda and Eric, so she said she was buying a plane ticket and going out there. She never did, I have close watch on all finances and we have no credit cards. 

I believe it was the loneliness and seeing this other friends life looking so bright, what she doesnt see is that friends husband had all the money, now the house will be sold, cars gone and split. 

Tonight we start our reading and workbook by Dr. Phil. Hopefully this will help us. Im 39 years old, good looking guy and all but I dont want to start over, sure Ive been tempted by the fruits of others but the grass isnt greener.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Look for more toxic influences. 
It usually comes from more than one place.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ok, so she's depressed, had an EA, and is now freezing you and your children out.

What exactly does she bring to this marriage again?

Everybody's gotta pull their weight.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Not Dr Phil!!!!


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## Shoresofminnesota (Dec 30, 2014)

marduk said:


> ok, so she's depressed, had an EA, and is now freezing you and your children out.
> 
> What exactly does she bring to this marriage again?
> 
> Everybody's gotta pull their weight.


Thats the discussion we had last night, I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and run my own business. On top of that Im seeing my children to doctors, dentists and monitoring my one son with ADD at school. Already had to deal with him and a friend stealing shoes and the cops were involved. i told her this changes NOW or I am leaving, also, the deception, if I get deceived one more time by her I am gone and will never speak to her again.

Yesterday she got on meds for her depression so we will see where this goes. I told her that I feel like I need to start looking for someone who will appreciate what I do in the case that she goes with the "I want to be friends" line. As I explained, I will not be friends with someone who continues this behavior.

Her big hang up is, quit treating me like a child.... Well deary, when I clean up after all her messes, cook, clean, grocery shop, plan meals ETC its like I have another child in the house. 

Im not ready to give up on her, I will give this another go and see if things change.

An yes to Dr. Phil, the book is great, he answers a lot of questions I need answered


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## Hawaii50 (Jan 13, 2015)

Did you & your wife try the counseling yet?
Well I'm in a similar boat as you. I feel my husband & I are just friends sharing living expenses. We tried counseling but after about 4 months my husband felt we were doing well enough to stop going once a week. I know that it was too early to stop but the therapist said we could always try again. We never went back.
Let us know how the book by Dr. Phil is going.


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> Have you been here? Can you give me some real world advice and not text book knowledge please?


Shores - God bless you for being sweet and loving to your wife although you have been hurt. Your romantic gestures are so sweet.

Next lets identify that her behavior not only suggests physical affair. Her behavior suggests depression, being dead to the world. I wonder if your time away made her feel that way. And someone on Facebook showed her attention and she once felt lonely now felt desired? Not that you didn't do that, but a depressed mind can take you to dark places and imaginative places. Counseling seems like a waste of time but it truly is great to lay out issues and received an unbiased opinion. Your wife is likely to be told to her face she is being selfish, but a counselor can also identify a mental issue such as depression your wife may have.

My brother battled severe depression when he returned from overseas. His wife thought he didn't love her anymore, didn't want his family. But he was dealing with depression/PTSD. She finally was at her wits end and left. This caused my brother to get worse but my sister in law saw this and declared her love but also said, "Lets get help." He of course was reluctant... but after a few visits he let loose, he cried, and they are now so in love, so connected and he is getting one on one help for his PTSD.


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> Thats the discussion we had last night, I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and run my own business. On top of that Im seeing my children to doctors, dentists and monitoring my one son with ADD at school. Already had to deal with him and a friend stealing shoes and the cops were involved. i told her this changes NOW or I am leaving, also, the deception, if I get deceived one more time by her I am gone and will never speak to her again.
> 
> Yesterday she got on meds for her depression so we will see where this goes. I told her that I feel like I need to start looking for someone who will appreciate what I do in the case that she goes with the "I want to be friends" line. As I explained, I will not be friends with someone who continues this behavior.
> 
> ...


I would like to say "don't give up, and don't threaten to find another woman. That will feed the depression. Be encouraging, be loving, and then go in the garage and be the opposite." Your feelings are ok, you do so much and God bless you for that. But remember depression takes over that person you once fell in love with. Medications can help, they may make her feel worse the first week (I know) she may be on more of an emotional rollercoaster. Not because she hates you but because the medication is messing with her serotonin levels." 

The medication, your love and support can and will help her beat this!


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Shoresofminnesota said:


> Thats the discussion we had last night, I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and run my own business.


Read these now!

Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover


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