# Wife's ex and long term friend died



## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

Hi
I am new here and just need somewhere to get this out and maybe some opinions or feed back.

Story goes we have been together for 5 years married 2.5.

When we first started going out she had an ex who is also a pot head and other stuff, so he rang her one day and wanted to meet up with her for sex she told him she had started seeing me and wouldn't.
So she rang me at the time upset and just wanted to tell me.
That was fine but then I started seeing her phone bills and she was still talking to him

When I confronted her and told her I didn't like it she told me he was a childhood friend, lived with her family for a while and it was nothing more than supporting him as a friend.
So this went on for a while and I asked her to stop talking to him as it was making me feel insecure we were engaged by then.

She said ok she would well I few months before our weeding I felt she was still talking to him and found his number in her phone under another name.
She denied it and ran of and deleted it and latter came clean to me, told me she was only talking to her because of there past.
Fast forward a few years and it was becoming an issue for me. after a number of fights she finally agreed to text him and tell him she couldn't keep in contact with him.

That was a few moths ago and we have not be doing well lately either, throwing around the idea of separation, well last week he got shot dead in the head. She was historical, I tried to help but said a few things like would you be this upset if it was me.

She seems to be blaming me for it and says she doesn't feel anything for me at the moment and can't deal with us, as she is has lost him.
She has told me it's over.
I love her so much and I have tried to support her since.

But I am hurting to as Im losing my wife, and I have no other real family.

Its a long story but thanks for reading, not sure what I want to hear but anything would be appreciated, am I in the wrong?

One of my concerns when she told me was how I should feel about it, should I have been upset she was so upset over him.

Thanks again

Emm


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

man ... if she is upset about the dead ... that is understood.

but blaming you for this is 200% wrong. you are her husband, even you were married, she still kept in touch with her ex. his tragedy is not the reason for her to blame you. 

if i were you, i should have left her. she blamed you for this. oh man, she did not think that you are her husband. she must not do this. she has to respect you. ask her, tell her if she keep blaming you then you don't like and she has no respect on you.


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## dazedbeauty (Sep 25, 2010)

Emm, wow this is really difficult stuff. I don't know your wife so I can't say for sure, but if she's an average gal then I'm really sure she would be hysterical if something like that happened to you! She was wrong in keeping up with the guy, looks like she had an emotional attachment that was unhealthy for your marriage. She is hurting right now so just give her some space, although it may be hard for you, why not let her cry on your shoulder and express her pain to you. I would refrain from any further comments about how you felt about their friendship, it's of no use anyway.
Just be kind to her and gently walk her through this crisis and show her that you truly care for her and consider her feelings. 
db
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It is a horrible end to a long term friendship for her. I'm sure there must be shock in there, and guilt, on top of her grief. Guilt makes people want to place blame, because they cannot face it. She will be feeling regret now over not having spent time with him before he died, however, she is not psychic, and neither are you. You asked her to end a friendship that made you uncomfortable, it also made her uncomfortable at some points. This didn't kill her friend. He had his own life, he made his own choices.

I think she needs a little time to get over this, she may need some space. She has made the decision that it is over between you, and I think you should respect that, and try to move on. Maybe when she's had time to reflect on what is important to her in her life, she will realise that she has a chance to make her marriage work, or she can dwell in the past and be miserable. If her choice is the latter, is this the sort of life you want anyway?


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## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

Thank you so much for your thoughts people especially dazedbeauty you make a lot of sense.

I have tried to be there for her and I wanted her to cry on my shoulder, But she has told me she needs to be left alone and wants to spend time with his family.

I have so many mixed emotions, I am angry that she is so upset and I feel like she is picking him over me I know he is dead but I feel like second best I guess.
I am so sad for her and at how hurt and upset she is and wish I could help her but I can't, and she won't let me try.

And then I am hurt and upset that I could be losing my wife to something that was out of my control.

Again thank you all.
Its good to get it all out and know that someone is hearing me.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Ur wife has the okay to be hurt, but not the okay to blame you. Especially when she kept up a friendship with a guy despite your word not to. THere needs to be clear boundaries in a marriage. No ex's on speed dial, its as simple as that, i don't care if they are dying of cancer or you guys shared the same bath tub as 2 year olds. She just basically ignored your wishes and did what she wanted to do. You are trying to help her, but her hurt isn't letting you. She sounds almost sadder losing him then if she lost you.


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## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

Thanks Rob.

Thats basically how I feel.
I feel second best to him, and she has told me she will never get over him dying. She needs to around people that new him.
And it seems like her family think I am the bad guy because I was confused about how to react when she called me historical and i questioned weather she would be this upset if it were me.
Probably not the best thing to ask her at the time but I was hurting and very confused by seeing her so upset over her ex.

She tells me she can't deal with us at the moment because she has lost him and needs to deal with him.
And she can't make this about me.

So I am just trying to be here for her.

Thanks again

Emm


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When someone close dies, and you go through the "anger" phase of grief, you may lash out and blame others for your grief and possibly even the death itself. She's angry now, and because she knew that you didn't like him, she is probably feeling towards you some feelings like: "He's gone, I hope your happy!" She will eventually get over this, and I wish I could tell you something more useful, but just want you to know, I'm pulling for you.


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## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

Thank you all so much, it means a lot to here all your kind words of support even from strangers on the inet, all though you don't feel like strangers at the moment.

I think I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
She has been talking and crying with me today and although some of it can be hard to hear at times I at least feel some closeness to her now and Im am comforted by her letting me be there for her.

The funeral will be on Friday and hopefully this will give her some closure and we can start fixing us.

I have to say this is probably the hardest thing I have had to deal with in long long time and very emotionally draining.
But I think we will get through this and hopefully be stronger for it.

Emm


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Why don't you go with her to the service? Show her you're there for her, even though it hurts you. Hopefully, she'll see what you're willing to go through to help her.


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## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

I have offered to drive and her and pick her up but she doesn't want me to, so there is no way she would want me at the funeral. 
And that is understandable, I don't think it would be right for me to go anyway.
Her family is going with her so I know she will be looked after.

She is doing better and thanked me for being there for her yesterday, So things are looking up, She doesn't seem angry with me know

So I guess you knew her better than me 

Thanks
Emm


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## amihappy (Oct 20, 2010)

Okay maybe I'm in the minority here but the poster has rights and feelings too. Yes very sad the guys dead. But the O.P. is not and he's married to the woman. He has a right to her full attention in the relationship and her attachment to him is not healthy for her and not healthy or fair to you. If he was so great she should have stayed with him. You have right to happiness too.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hi emm- I think I may be able to identify what your wife is going through and what you too are going through. My ex H died in Feb and I took it extremely hard, even though I hadn't spoke to him in 6yrs. We were very close back in the day, but we moved on and I have been in the relationship I am in now for almost 13yrs. When my ex died it was my current man who informed me of this. I lashed out at him, sort of a 'kill the messenger' kind of thing. 

Your wife feels anger to you like I did my man even though it was no fault of his. I'm not sure even to this day why I was mad at him. He, of course, was upset that I was so mad. I think I was just mad that at the world and he was the one to take it out on. I had a hard time crying in front of him because I didn't want him to feel jealous of a dead man, but I think in hiding my crying, I started to get the emotions out by being angry at him. 

I think once your wife gets through the grieving process she will be more open to working on your marriage. Hang in there!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Listen to the Black Crowes "Sister Luck".


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## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

She told me last night once this is over we can start working on us.
She also said she does understands what I was going through and how hard it has been on me as well.
And thats all I really needed to hear.

I have gone out of my way to support her the last few days and she told me last night my support has helped her get through the last few days.

So after tomorrow the worst will be over (funeral), and we can start working on our marriage.
And I am looking forward to our future together again

Thank you all for your support and kind words.
It really helped me through a tough time.

F-102 
That song now has a new meaning to me.

Emm


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## emm70 (Oct 18, 2010)

Well she has been to the funeral and is pretty upset and just wants to be alone.

This is so hard I just want to be there for her but she wants to be alone at the moment.
Its hard to comprehend, if it were me the last thing I would want would be to be alone, I'd just want her close to me, i would want her to help me through it.

I get my strength from being there for her but I can't help her at the moment she wants to be alone.

I am scared that she might not want me anymore because she misses him so much, maybe this has bought up feelings she didn't realise she still had for him, maybe that's why she doesn't want me helping her. Does that make sense?

I am really feeling second best, and selfish at the same time for feeling like this.

My wife is so upset over her ex, another man but I am her husband.

I guess I just need to be try and be strong in front of her and give her the space she needs.

It hurts like hell!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He's gone. She literally cannot choose him over you, she can only grieve for him, and that's it, not fall in love with him again. She has only just gone to the funeral, meaning it's only been a few days since he died, and he died very suddenly. Just a few days, in the big scheme of things, is such a small period of time.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Don't expect her to come running back into your arms overnight-grieving can take time. Give her her space, but don't "abandon" her. She will really need you, but there will be times when that anger will come up again, and she won't even want to look at you, or anyone else, for that matter. Be patient and hang in there


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