# I hate his job



## katies (May 19, 2015)

but there is nothing I can do. He eats lunch twice a week at service organizations, as it's part of his job to be in the community. I go home to eat lunch. He sees many people during the day. I see 13 year olds. 
I saw on FB there was a video sitting at a table at Rotary eating lunch with his buddy and a bunch of women. What am I gonna do, say don't sit with women? Does it matter? If he wants to cheat he will and me putting parameters on him isn't gonna stop him. 
I'm not sure what I want. Total trust. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. What is the alternative? Never be in a relationship again? 
Ugh.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I understand you are probably just venting but you should try to avoid victim speak. 

It does nothing to help you have a joyful and positive day.

Take your life back.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Are you concerned because he cheated previously?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Are you concerned because he cheated previously?


yes. 


take my life back? How?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

katies said:


> yes.
> 
> 
> take my life back? How?


Make friends and go out to lunch yourself.

Don't focus on him so much and focus on a positive life for yourself.

No you probably won't 100% trust him again but it doesn't mean you can't be happy.

I reconciled like four years ago. I'm happy because i choose to be. 

How long since he cheated?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Make friends and go out to lunch yourself.
> 
> Don't focus on him so much and focus on a positive life for yourself.
> 
> ...


Oh we're doing really pretty well. But things like this set me back. It's just not fair.
I can't go out to lunch. I'm a teacher. 
Almost 5 years since cheating. A lot of growth in the last year. 
I'm happy too, for the most part. But anger creeps in sometimes when I see things like this and I'm pissed. You just can't decide your feelings.
I think what I hate is that I can't control not being hurt.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

katies said:


> Oh we're doing really pretty well. But things like this set me back. It's just not fair.
> I can't go out to lunch. I'm a teacher.
> Almost 5 years since cheating. A lot of growth in the last year.
> I'm happy too, for the most part. But anger creeps in sometimes when I see things like this and I'm pissed. You just can't decide your feelings.
> I think what I hate is that I can't control not being hurt.


Once you decide to reconcile there is definitely a downside to it.

Your thoughts can be downright tough to deal with.

When these feelings occur, recognize them for what they are and move on.

Least that's what I do anyways.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Once you decide to reconcile there is definitely a downside to it.
> 
> Your thoughts can be downright tough to deal with.
> 
> ...


yeah, what I really wanna do is say F You for putting me in this position. Just a few times here and there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> but there is nothing I can do. He eats lunch twice a week at service organizations, as it's part of his job to be in the community. I go home to eat lunch. He sees many people during the day. I see 13 year olds.
> I saw on FB there was a video sitting at a table at Rotary eating lunch with his buddy and a bunch of women. What am I gonna do, say don't sit with women? Does it matter? If he wants to cheat he will and me putting parameters on him isn't gonna stop him.
> I'm not sure what I want. Total trust. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. What is the alternative? Never be in a relationship again?
> Ugh.


Has he done stuff to lead you believe that he is untrustworthy? If not what is the big deal that he eats with woman? Sounds more like you hate your situation and are projecting onto his. Maybe if you can change your situation so you do more then sit with 13 year olds at lunch. If he hasn't done anything wrong it's really unfair for you to resent him for getting to have lunch with other people because of his job.

Edit: I see he cheated. In this case you will have to learn to deal with the resentment because you chose to stay, this is one of the downsides. Your situation is never going to be fair. That is just the way it is. I would work on having enough in your life that your happiness isn't base on his commitment to you. You can get joy from it sure, but not your own long time personal happiness. That way if he does mess up again you can just detach for good.

And yeah F him.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Edit: I see he cheated. In this case you will have to learn to deal with the resentment because you chose to stay, this is one of the downsides. Your situation is never going to be fair. That is just the way it is. I would work on having enough in your life that your happiness isn't base on his commitment to you. You can get joy from it sure, but not your own long time personal happiness. That way if he does mess up again you can just detach for good.
> 
> And yeah F him.


I have lunch at home. It's not the lunch thing. It's the having many many opportunities to interact with women I hate. I have a big life. It's just that I see this and I'm like f you. Hasn't happened in a while but it occasionally does.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, Katie. It is one of the many mind ****'s of infidelity. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> I have lunch at home. It's not the lunch thing. It's the having many many opportunities to interact with women I hate. I have a big life. It's just that I see this and I'm like f you. Hasn't happened in a while but it occasionally does.


Taking back a cheater is always a raw deal for the one who was cheated on.

F him one more time for cheating on you. Just for good measure.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

katies said:


> yeah, what I really wanna do is say F You for putting me in this position. Just a few times here and there.


This made me laugh. I know full well how you feel.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> take my life back? How?


Divorce him. Your current purgatory is of you OWN doing.

FIVE YEARS IN AND YOU STILL FEEL THIS WAY?!?

Why are you doing this to yourself?!? This is a nightmare.

Surely you can find another partner? I'm positive you can.

Why is he so irreplaceable? Get him off the damn pedestal.

Last I checked cheaters are a dime a dozen.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Taking back a cheater is always a raw deal for the one who was cheated on.


QFT. 

Good luck to anyone willing to throw their dignity away to take back a remorseless cheater.

I think it says a lot more things about you than them and NOT in a good way. It validates them.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Divorce him. Your current purgatory is of you OWN doing.
> 
> FIVE YEARS IN AND YOU STILL FEEL THIS WAY?!?
> 
> ...


Because worrying about this is about 3% of my life. The rest of it is happy and we are good. 
I want to keep the family together and we are in love. But, I still hate this very small part of our life. 
It IS of my own doing because I decided to stay. But occasionally I want to say FTS and leave. 
I can find another partner, sure. I think mistrust and the desire to not be hurt would come with it. 
And then I share holidays with the kids, see him with someone else, my financial life
is a little threatened, get another guy's baggage, etc.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

What does it say that most of us know what FTS stands for without looking it up?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> Because worrying about this is about 3% of my life. The rest of it is happy and we are good.


You wouldn't be here if that were really true. You're giving him a pass to justify staying with him.



katies said:


> I want to keep the family together and we are in love. But, I still hate this very small part of our life.


You are codependent. Love is mutual. He clearly doesn't love you enough to keep it in his pants. There is no "we" in this love.



katies said:


> It IS of my own doing because I decided to stay. But occasionally I want to say FTS and leave. I can find another partner, sure. I think mistrust and the desire to not be hurt would come with it.


Well it shouldn't. Why project your husband's trashy behavior on innocents? They are MANY loyal men out there who would fall all over themselves to have you.



katies said:


> And then I share holidays with the kids, see him with someone else, my financial life is a little threatened, get another guy's baggage, etc.


Once you find a man who REALLY loves you, then you won't give two sh!ts if he has a harem of girls.

Is money really MORE important to you than your dignity? The kids will be fine, they want to see mom happy.

And I seriously doubt you'll find a guy with more baggage than the man wh0re you decided to stay with.

You're codependent and scared to be alone. You have SETTLED for his EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

You have the power to fix this. You lack the will. He sees that, that's why he knew he could get away with cheating on you.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> You have SETTLED for his EMOTIONAL ABUSE.
> 
> You have the power to fix this. You lack the will. He sees that, that's why he knew he could get away with cheating on you.


He hasn't cheated in 5 years and he's emotionally abusing me?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> He hasn't cheated in 5 years and he's emotionally abusing me?


Yes. You are in pain and he has NOT done enough heavily lifting to fix it if after FIVE years you still need to visit an anonymous internet forum to vent about him. 

You are clearly traumatized, you will never fully trust him again and if he was an honorable man he would LEAVE you rather than keep you for selfish reasons and watch you suffer.

Since you clearly lack the will to dump him yourself. I'm sorry you are here. I know EXACTLY how you feel but I had enough sense to KNOW I would never get over the resentment.

I wish you would wake up, dump him, and START TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AGAIN. One that doesn't haunt you with the past of a man who didn't give a damn if he hurt you or not.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@katies, you mentioned an "OW1" in another thread... how many OWs in all?

You've also mentioned that he's not cheated in 5 years. When was D-Day #1 for you? How many D-Days in all?

As for the OWs, how well do/did you know each of them? Is your husband -- to your knowledge -- still in contact w/ any of them? (You implied in another thread that you suspected he might be.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We are six years out, and it's been far more than a year since I had any thoughts along the lines you're having. I don't think EFF YOU about ANYthing my husband does now.

I think the biggest part of your problem is that you can see the lunches and stuff on his facebook. I think your husband should get rid of his facebook. My husband has never been on facebook and never will be, just because we both agree that it's 1) not a necessity in our lives and 2) an easy platform for temptation. My husband learned right away after he cheated that there are certain things he can't expose himself to, just because he doesn't want to have to deal with the threat of any type of temptation. He has lunches with women once in a while at work, usually one-on-one, but I certainly don't see them on facebook, and if I did I'd be pissed.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> QFT.
> 
> Good luck to anyone willing to throw their dignity away to take back a remorseless cheater.


He's not remorseless


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> We are six years out, and it's been far more than a year since I had any thoughts along the lines you're having. I don't think EFF YOU about ANYthing my husband does now.
> 
> I think the biggest part of your problem is that you can see the lunches and stuff on his facebook. I think your husband should get rid of his facebook. My husband has never been on facebook and never will be, just because we both agree that it's 1) not a necessity in our lives and 2) an easy platform for temptation. My husband learned right away after he cheated that there are certain things he can't expose himself to, just because he doesn't want to have to deal with the threat of any type of temptation. He has lunches with women once in a while at work, usually one-on-one, but I certainly don't see them on facebook, and if I did I'd be pissed.


It wasn't on his facebook page, it was on the Rotary's page. One of my friends liked the Rotary page so I went there and there he was waving to the camera, enjoying his lunch with his buddy and the gals.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> @katies, you mentioned an "OW1" in another thread... how many OWs in all?
> 
> You've also mentioned that he's not cheated in 5 years. When was D-Day #1 for you? How many D-Days in all?
> 
> ...


2 OW

they were 4 months apart so both roughly 5 and 4.5 years ago. 2 ddays. I caught him both times, which is part of the problem. 
I didn't know either of them. HE is not in contact. One works about 100 yards away from him and lives here. The other lives about 20 miles away and doesn't work here anymore. Here = this town.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Sorry, Katie. It is one of the many mind ****'s of infidelity.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So true, and why so many can't reconcile. There's always something.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> He's not remorseless


What about you? Was it for revenge? For lust?



katies said:


> My husband never sees my AP. He moved 4 hours away. I don't think forgiveness helps with triggers. We have forgiven each other. I have to forgive myself for staying, apparently. Not in the cards to forgive any AP.


So you're both cheaters. What is the point of this marriage?!? 

Why are you hiding behind the kids when DS is 24? If there are others they are grown.

For the money? Do you really need to hang out at the country club? Please.

Codependency? On a guy with two OWs (THAT YOU KNOW OF, there's always more)

Nobody says to themselves, "I think I'm only going to sleep with TWO people."


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> What about you? Was it for revenge?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't believe there is more. You sure have a negative attitude. Friendship and love is the point of this marriage.
I think I've been to the country club once this year so yeah, no.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> I don't believe there is more. You sure have a negative attitude. Friendship and love is the point of this marriage.
> I think I've been to the country club once this year so yeah, no.


It's your life and I don't know you so why would I feel negative or otherwise?

I divorced my cheating wife and it was the best decision I ever made.

You wanted to know how to stop feeling like this. I told you how. It's up to you. 

At least admit you are a codependent and get some counseling for it. Maybe then you will come to your senses.

Rather than rattle off excuses for why you decided to stay with a cheater who played you for a fool.

BTW: You best believe there's more. No SERIAL cheater stops at two. All you've seen is the tip of the iceberg.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It sounds like you don't like your job.
If you can go home for lunch, then why can't you go out for lunch?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

katies said:


> yeah, what I really wanna do is say F You for putting me in this position. Just a few times here and there.


Why can't you say this to him?

3% is still affected with bitterness and resentment... 

It's not that he is isn't replaceable, we all are, what you have to replace is that 3% bitterness and resentment mentioned above.

Not, this is how you do it because each path is uniquely ours to walk, but more, how would you like to do it?

Look what being so embittered does to you this for this so very small percentage... you have cried too much because of him, not enough with him.

Does he own the last 3% of the tears?

I know you are hurting, but be gentle on yourself... your husband chose this outcome because of the disrespect he showed you, show him he can't best your spirit and if he holds true remorse, be humbled as you close your pain and replace it with new strength.

I would also compliment him on the photo... let him know your confidence know no boundaries while you are observing his. :wink2:


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Wow... wayward with 2 in under 6 months... what a broken period of life.

His choices picker was pretty damaged... do you know what led him down such an unmindful path?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> No SERIAL cheater stops at two. All you've seen is the tip of the iceberg.


he's not a serial cheater. he had two reactive affairs to my affair.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Why can't you say this to him?
> 
> 3% is still affected with bitterness and resentment...
> 
> ...



oh I will say this to him.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> do you know what led him down such an unmindful path?


yes. he couldn't handle the pain of my affair.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

katies said:


> he's not a serial cheater. he had two reactive affairs to my affair.


Wait, so you can't really blame him for putting you in this position, because you put yourself in this position when you cheated first.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> It sounds like you don't like your job.
> If you can go home for lunch, then why can't you go out for lunch?


ha! I do like my job. I have 23 minutes for lunch that's why. I live a block away. There are no restaurants on this side of town.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> he's not a serial cheater. he had two reactive affairs to my affair.


Ahhhhhh. The real reason you won't leave. You feel guilty, so you have justified his retribution.

I will take my leave of this conversation as I can no longer be impartial toward it.

Personally, I don't feel any sympathy for a cheater who had a revenge affair(s) happen to them.

Good Luck.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

katies said:


> yeah, what I really wanna do is say F You for putting me in this position. Just a few times here and there.


He forced you to train as a secondary school teacher?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> Wait, so you can't really blame him for putting you in this position, because you put yourself in this position when you cheated first.


yeah, I don't buy that. he should have handled his pain in another way. I should have too. But that is not what this thread is about.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

katies said:


> yeah, I don't buy that. he should have handled his pain in another way. I should have too. But that is not what this thread is about.


Isn't it?

You wouldn't have made this post if not for the combined ramifications of both your past actions. You are where you are mentally due to them. 

I get that you're venting. I don't know how helpful anyone can be unless there's an actual question or problem you want help with. 

If you're tired of lunch with 5 year olds, you could change careers. I've known many people who made a complete change to a new discipline, myself included. 

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, look within yourself for the solution. You'll only be disappointed if you give that power and responsibility to someone else.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> Once you decide to reconcile there is definitely a downside to it.


Words worth repeating. The downside becomes more manageable, but lingers for a life time - in this case both sides.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

That certainly does paint things in a new light. You two might as well put your names in an online dating site as being swingers. 

As for the resentment toward his job, was it instrumental in your desire to cheat in the first place? I know that nowadays there is a very fine line between "professional" relationships and fraternization. If you both admitted to your affairs then that line has been drawn. Also, you don't specify whether these lunches you see with coworkers is part of an internal company function, or just a meeting with clients or vendors in an informal situation or whatever. If it's the latter, have you ever approached him about possibly attending such functions? From what I'm beginning to see, it's not uncommon for people to bring their spouses to such events.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Satya said:


> Isn't it?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Brother... people really can't read. I'm not tired of lunch with 5 year olds. I LOVE my lunch at home. I LOVE my job. What I'm tired of is him being around so many women.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

katies said:


> yeah, I don't buy that. he should have handled his pain in another way. I should have too. But that is not what this thread is about.


Action, reaction. Someone hurts us, one of the things that immediately comes to mind is to hurt them back, but infidelity magnifies this pain by a hundred fold. Unless he came here for help, most people wouldn't know how to handle that pain. I guess he wanted you to feel the pain that you inflicted on him. Anyhoo...there was a story on here about a betrayed husband who had a revenge affair. The wayward wife wanted to work on their marriage but the husband wouldn't stop revenge cheating, and they ended up divorcing. There are spouses who must feel that need to get their pound of flesh.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

m00nman said:


> That certainly does paint things in a new light. You two might as well put your names in an online dating site as being swingers.
> 
> As for the resentment toward his job, was it instrumental in your desire to cheat in the first place? I know that nowadays there is a very fine line between "professional" relationships and fraternization. If you both admitted to your affairs then that line has been drawn. Also, you don't specify whether these lunches you see with coworkers is part of an internal company function, or just a meeting with clients or vendors in an informal situation or whatever. If it's the latter, have you ever approached him about possibly attending such functions? From what I'm beginning to see, it's not uncommon for people to bring their spouses to such events.


thank for for constructive advice! I cheated 7 years ago. His was 5. No it wasn't any resentment. It was my own selfishness. 
He's not with co-workers, he's with other BUSINESS PEOPLE, probably networking to a point. I cannot attend any function as I have 23 minutes for lunch.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

katies said:


> yes. he couldn't handle the pain of my affair.


So the hurt is pretty well understood then...

I won't go into too much more then since this is a cornucopia of lessons for both of you.

Since the betrayer became the betrayed, I truly hope your cycle of lost trust will complete with the closure of your final 3%.

How we live is truly our choice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

katies said:


> It wasn't on his facebook page, it was on the Rotary's page. One of my friends liked the Rotary page so I went there and there he was waving to the camera, enjoying his lunch with his buddy and the gals.


So then YOU should get off of facebook.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> Action, reaction. Someone hurts us, one of the things that immediately comes to mind is to hurt them back, but infidelity magnifies this pain by a hundred fold. Unless he came here for help, most people wouldn't know how to handle that pain. I guess he wanted you to feel the pain that you inflicted on him. Anyhoo...there was a story on here about a betrayed husband who had a revenge affair. The wayward wife wanted to work on their marriage but the husband wouldn't stop revenge cheating, and they ended up divorcing. There are spouses who must feel that need to get their pound of flesh.


ok, but discussing his why is really not getting to issues we currently have as a RESULT of what we did. I can tell you for sure that having RA took none of his pain away from being a BS.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> So then YOU should get off of facebook.


So I don't see he's having lunch with other women? That just opens my eyes to what is going on. Would I rather not know? He certainly would never tell me.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So the hurt is pretty well understood then...
> 
> I won't go into too much more then since this is a cornucopia of lessons for both of you.
> 
> ...


not really understanding this but ok....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you want to know????? Are you the type of person who likes to be pissed off about stuff?

You posted a problem, people are suggesting solutions, and you're just shooting every one of them down.

Frankly I don't think you're anywhere near as happy as you claim to be.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Steve1000 said:


> Words worth repeating. The downside becomes more manageable, but lingers for a life time.


This is exactly what is happening. It's more manageable, but lingering. I don't want any lingers. I've put up with enough. If my 1 = his 2, then no more. Enough.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Hope1964 said:


> Why do you want to know????? Are you the type of person who likes to be pissed off about stuff?
> 
> You posted a problem, people are suggesting solutions, and you're just shooting every one of them down.
> 
> Frankly I don't think you're anywhere near as happy as you claim to be.


let's see the solutions are get a divorce, don't get on facebook, get a new job, go out to lunch. The only constructive things are yeah, it'll get more manageable or choose to make yourself happy or something like that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

katies said:


> let's see the solutions are get a divorce, don't get on facebook, get a new job, go out to lunch. The only constructive things are yeah, it'll get more manageable or choose to make yourself happy or something like that.


In other words, you just want to keep on complaining and being unhappy. Gotcha.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So you cheated. 

Then your husband cheated because you did. 

So what is the problem. Is he having these lunches for work or pleasure? 

Is this the same job he had before he cheated? 

Sorry but poeple deal with betrayal in deferent ways. Your husband chose to see what it was like to be with someone else just like you. Then he decided to stay in the marriage. 

With him staying and doing what he did I would say he lost all respect for you at the time. You broke the bond between the two of you and he shattered it. 

Don't know what you are wanting. If he is being faithful now this is your problem not his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katies said:


> let's see the solutions are get a divorce


Well actually, I retract my advice about that. I didn't know your full situation.

I think you actually do deserve each other and hope you have a LONG marriage together.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Okay, did the two of you seek out outside counselors or per your posts you chose to "heal thyself". According to your posts that does not seem to have worked.

Not all counselors are good, it takes some effort to find a good one so the two of you will need to do that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One thing you can do is talk with your husband and explain how these photos hurt you. Then try and work something out. 

The solution is there, the two of you need to sit down and find it together. 

Good luck katies
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Okay, did the two of you seek out outside counselors or per your posts you chose to "heal thyself". According to your posts that does not seem to have worked.
> 
> Not all counselors are good, it takes some effort to find a good one so the two of you will need to do that.



yes, thank you for the constructive feedback. We graduated from MC a couple years ago. That doesn't mean there will not be lingering problems. I'm not sure that we should run back to MC because I don't like how many women he sees every day. I think if I just said I hope he appreciated the effort I make that he does his job with no restrictions. I may not trust him all the way. But I trust him MOST of the way. I would hope he appreciates that I've stayed with him and we are still here, etc. If you've read my other threads you'll know I don't really want to live here.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

katies said:


> but there is nothing I can do. He eats lunch twice a week at service organizations, as it's part of his job to be in the community. I go home to eat lunch. He sees many people during the day. I see 13 year olds.
> I saw on FB there was a video sitting at a table at Rotary eating lunch with his buddy and a bunch of women. What am I gonna do, say don't sit with women? Does it matter? If he wants to cheat he will and me putting parameters on him isn't gonna stop him.
> I'm not sure what I want. Total trust. NEVER GONNA HAPPEN. What is the alternative? Never be in a relationship again?
> Ugh.


When you mentioned that he is interacting with adults, but you are interacting with 13 year olds and don't get enough time for lunch to go anywhere of spend time with adult, it implies to me that you are unhappy in your job as well as unhappy that your husband has a job where he gets a lunch where he interacts with adults, along with the fact that you are upset that he is interacting with women.

Living in a marriage where there is a consistent undercurrent of resentment is not healthy. Your husband is always going to have opportunity to cheat, just as you will. If you think you will have trouble in any relationship and you want to stay with your husband, that sounds perfectly reasonable, but in order to not have these issues with your husband’s job, you will have to forgive him and let go of the resentment. It’s not going to go away on its own. It is something that you have to be mindful about. It’s a choice that you make and you follow through on it. You decide not to worry about him being around women. Women make up over 50% of the population, so he can’t avoid them.
Therefore, any job that your husband does is going to involved women. There is almost no career choice that would allow him to only be around men. Being upset about that is counterproductive as far as your happiness is concerned. Looking at things on Facebook that upset you is also counterproductive. If you can’t control that, staying off Facebook entirely isn’t a bad idea at all. There are things you can do, but they involve refocusing your attention and letting go of resentment and fear.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

ABHale said:


> One thing you can do is talk with your husband and explain how these photos hurt you. Then try and work something out.
> 
> The solution is there, the two of you need to sit down and find it together.
> 
> ...


thanks! Yes, I will do that.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> When you mentioned that he is interacting with adults, but you are interacting with 13 year olds and don't get enough time for lunch to go anywhere of spend time with adult, it implies to me that you are unhappy in your job as well as unhappy that your husband has a job where he gets a lunch where he interacts with adults, along with the fact that you are upset that he is interacting with women.
> 
> Living in a marriage where there is a consistent undercurrent of resentment is not healthy. Your husband is always going to have opportunity to cheat, just as you will. If you think you will have trouble in any relationship and you want to stay with your husband, that sounds perfectly reasonable, but in order to not have these issues with your husband’s job, you will have to forgive him and let go of the resentment. It’s not going to go away on its own. It is something that you have to be mindful about. It’s a choice that you make and you follow through on it. You decide not to worry about him being around women. Women make up over 50% of the population, so he can’t avoid them.
> Therefore, any job that your husband does is going to involved women. There is almost no career choice that would allow him to only be around men. Being upset about that is counterproductive as far as your happiness is concerned. Looking at things on Facebook that upset you is also counterproductive. If you can’t control that, staying off Facebook entirely isn’t a bad idea at all. There are things you can do, but they involve refocusing your attention and letting go of resentment and fear.


I am happy at my job, like I said. I could stay here and have lunch in the lounge but I dont.
This isn't a constant undercurrent. We haven't had an issue in months. 
I just want him to appreciate the trust I DO give him. I dont' interact with the opposite sex as much.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

katies said:


> thank for for constructive advice! I cheated 7 years ago. His was 5. No it wasn't any resentment. It was my own selfishness.
> He's not with co-workers, he's with other BUSINESS PEOPLE, probably networking to a point. I cannot attend any function as I have 23 minutes for lunch.


Yeah- sorry I was being kind of tongue in cheek there. 

I'm unclear though. Do you hate him OR his job - or is it an "AND" situation? If you feel like he puts his job before you, then my point stands: he needs to have a social calendar that includes you, but if work also has a social calendar that your schedule can't accommodate then why complain? If you see him in a group situation where there happens to be other women within the group and they are just smiling and waving then I don't see the justification for your insecurity. If however, you do see images of them in some sort of informal event and there's an implication of fraternization beyond "team building" then you need to address that with HIM. 

Personally, my red flag is seeing people drinking alcohol or doing sports related activities unless it's for charity work. YMMV but my point is this: if you have concerns that work is coming between you and him then he needs to choose. That there was an affair (or two or three or whatever) in the past that was forgiven, then that means it is off the table. You don't get to renegotiate by reopening old wounds, yours OR his. That's not what marriage is supposed to be IMO.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

katies said:


> Brother... people really can't read. I'm not tired of lunch with 5 year olds. I LOVE my lunch at home. I LOVE my job. What I'm tired of is him being around so many women.


:laugh:

You sound like a middle school teacher!

Considering the circumstances of his wayward behavior (yes, poor choices abound).

My inner Sergeant says "you should just suck it up and drive on".

My inner Emerging Buddhist says "Extract yourself from this maze of suffering so you can see with clarity the path... if you can't pick whether to forgive and forget, just choose one of them".


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

katies said:


> let's see the solutions are get a divorce, don't get on facebook, get a new job, go out to lunch. The only constructive things are yeah, it'll get more manageable or choose to make yourself happy or something like that.


The main point is that one of your choices is NOT controlling his business lunches. Men and women work together these days.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

m00nman;16886737
That there was an affair (or two or three or whatever) in the past that was forgiven said:


> Oh, forgiveness is so very different than trust. Both of us would say that. We don't beat each other over the head with it but we do occasionally say, "that still hurts." or we ask the other more questions about where we're going and who is all there than we used to. We both try to gauge propensity of the other's actions so as to assuage potential hurt. Like we can circumvent it with knowledge. While we know in our head that doesn't and won't work, our heart still yearns.
> 
> I know his triggers and I try my darndest to avoid putting him in a situation where he could be. I've extracted every single snowman from Christmas (long story). He quickly switches the station when an Adele song comes on the radio for my sake (another long story). We know the other still hurts.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> The main point is that one of your choices is NOT controlling his business lunches. Men and women work together these days.


I know. I don't. 
I'm here swallowing it and venting to you guys.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

katies said:


> Oh, forgiveness is so very different than trust. Both of us would say that. We don't beat each other over the head with it but we do occasionally say, "that still hurts." or we ask the other more questions about where we're going and who is all there than we used to. We both try to gauge propensity of the other's actions so as to assuage potential hurt. Like we can circumvent it with knowledge. While we know in our head that doesn't and won't work, our heart still yearns.


That doesn't make any sense. Are you and he in MC?


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> :laugh:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think I can do that if he can meet me halfway. He doesn't even have to change his lunch plans, just effing appreciate my willingness to attempt the trust.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

m00nman said:


> That doesn't make any sense. Are you and he in MC?


No we were dismissed 2 years ago and maybe had one follow up session since then. 
If you lived our path it would make perfect sense I think. We still hurt a little, we still don't trust all the way, we're still a little scared. Forgiveness doesn't automatically cure all that.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

m00nman said:


> Do you hate him OR his job - or is it an "AND" situation?


to be clear I hate some of the situations working at his job puts him in.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

katies said:


> I know. I don't.
> I'm here swallowing it and venting to you guys.


Oh well cheers. Never understood the point of venting. But if it is your thing, rock it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> yeah, I don't buy that. he should have handled his pain in another way. I should have too. But that is not what this thread is about.


Might not be what you want the tread is about but it seems like it was what his affairs were about. Some people (raises hand) don't even believe he cheated on you because when you cheated first you broke the marriage contract so no contract to be cheated on. You essentially forfeited your marriage. His mistake was not divorcing you and then possibly giving you another chance, maybe if you deserved it. 

By the way your blatant double standard is spectacular. I sense a lot of misplaced resentment and entitlement in you, I suspect this is why you cheated in the first place. 

My advice to you is to stay together you guys make a good fit.

Bottom line you wrecked your marriage this is what you have to live with.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

katies said:


> Brother... people really can't read. I'm not tired of lunch with 5 year olds. I LOVE my lunch at home. I LOVE my job. What I'm tired of is him being around so many women.





katies said:


> but there is nothing I can do. He eats lunch twice a week at service organizations, as it's part of his job to be in the community. I go home to eat lunch. He sees many people during the day. I see 13 year olds.


OK then my bad for clearly misinterpreting the supposed dissatisfaction in your first post.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

So the gist of what I get from reading here is that you're scum and don't get to be happy because you cheated first. Isn't that pleasant?

Personally, I think it's ok that you do not like that he has lunch with women. However, it's part of his job so unfortunately it's something you are going to have to find some sort of peace with. You want to say f you. So SAY f you! I don't generally condone saying f you to your spouse. But you said you guys talk about your pain and you understand each other's pain. So how about next time you say - "ya know dear hubby, we've come a long way. 97% of the time, I adore you. But in today's 3% where you were having lunch with women, that triggered me, I don't like it because of our past. And for a short time today.....I wanted to scream f you!" You do not have to be angry about it. At that point let him do what he needs to do to soothe you for his actions. I don't care who cheated first. You both did so you're both responsible for the pain you caused. 

Maybe just putting that voice to it is enough for him to be more conscious of who he eats lunch with if it is affecting you. 

And for the record, I think there are a lot of married couples who have no infidelity who occasionally get so overwhelmed with married life that they want to say "f you" sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Thank you. I love this^^^^


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

katies said:


> Oh, forgiveness is so very different than trust. Both of us would say that. We don't beat each other over the head with it but we do occasionally say, "that still hurts." or we ask the other more questions about where we're going and who is all there than we used to. We both try to gauge propensity of the other's actions so as to assuage potential hurt. Like we can circumvent it with knowledge. While we know in our head that doesn't and won't work, our heart still yearns.
> 
> I know his triggers and I try my darndest to avoid putting him in a situation where he could be. I've extracted every single snowman from Christmas (long story). *He quickly switches the station when an Adele song comes on the radio for my sake* (another long story). We know the other still hurts.


Well, it's good you married a man with culture and good taste in music! :smthumbup:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> Oh well cheers. Never understood the point of venting. But if it is your thing, rock it.


Because it stops this from happening at home


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

^^^ these are good points.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

katies said:


> I have lunch at home. It's not the lunch thing. It's the having many many opportunities to interact with women I hate. I have a big life. It's just that I see this and I'm like f you. Hasn't happened in a while but it occasionally does.


The problem is you aren't over it and you haven't forgiven him. You are jealous. You say you have a big life, but it's not big enough in your opinion. You need to truly forgive him and live with your choice to stay. Or, you need to leave. You are being unfair to yourself and to him.

Edited to say...Oh, you cheated, too.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So the hurt is pretty well understood then...
> 
> I won't go into too much more then since this is a cornucopia of lessons for both of you.
> 
> ...





katies said:


> not really understanding this but ok....


You understand the hurt you inflicted on him, yet he delivered it back to you in spades... you both have a lot of lessons here and you should be well enough aware of them, here's hoping that the lost trust you jointly share are quelled when you come to terms with your final 3% of the time you are not healed.


But that choice is ultimately in your control.

Forgive me... been meditating a lot today. :wink2:


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Would be great if forgiveness = trust but it doesn't. He still asks me about things. Does that mean he hadn't forgiven me? I don't think so. 
There's a big difference between hoping for the best and absolutely knowing someone has your back.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP

What were the reasons that led you to cheat in the first place ? Its sounds like your H's reasons were revenge, but it might be helpful to know what was going through your mind when you did, and then more fully understand where you both are at the present


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

barbados said:


> OP
> 
> What were the reasons that led you to cheat in the first place ? Its sounds like your H's reasons were revenge, but it might be helpful to know what was going through your mind when you did, and then more fully understand where you both are at the present


I would say we had a very child centered marriage and it felt good to have someone pay attention to me. I was sorely lacking in living my values and being intentionally committed. I thought love was a feeling and not an action.
But, we have worked through all this. I worked really hard on myself to live with intention and appreciate how great he is. 
So, I know this but I'm not sure how it effects us now.


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