# New member trying to understand



## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Hello. A few of you already “met” me in a thread I started regarding my feelings (or lack thereof) about sex. I fear that some people thought I was just stirring the pot and my thread appears to have been temporarily? taken down with a notice that it’s awaiting approval before being posted publicly.

Anyway, my name is Busy Washing My Hair because that’s just one of those classic excuses if somebody calls or in my case somebody wants to have sex. “Not tonight, I have a headache” was a bit too long for a username. I’m making light of what I know could be a serious problem, or at the very least a puzzling one.

I’m a woman who just finds sex boring and I have little need or interest in it. I’ve been lurking here but was unaware that a post in such a topic might be seen as intentionally divisive. I’ve noted many threads from people (often men, but sometimes women) who came here due to dead bedrooms. I am here for the same reason, but in my case I’m not a spouse that is desiring the sex. I’m the other half of the equation who most often doesn’t see it as much of a problem to begin with so they probably don’t end up searching out forums to talk about it online.

I don’t think sex is bad. Enjoying sex is not wrong. Finding it to be an important part of a marriage or any romantic relationship is normal. I just do not find it to be an essentially need. I don’t understand why I feel this way and I have been trying to figure it out. Maybe there isn’t a reason and this is just how I am. If so, what can be done and what do I do as far as my marriage and husband is concerned?

I don’t post this here to start a duplicate discussion or for the questions above to be answered right now. Just trying to explain that I’m a real person and what brought me here.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Welcome!!

I hope they bring your thread back because I think it offers an interesting and potentially enlightening discussion of sexlessness in committed relationships, especially because you are willing to openly share your feelings and seeking to understand yourself better!

I know I have more questions for you!!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Hello. A few of you already “met” me in a thread I started regarding my feelings (or lack thereof) about sex. I fear that some people thought I was just stirring the pot and my thread appears to have been temporarily? taken down with a notice that it’s awaiting approval before being posted publicly.
> 
> Anyway, my name is Busy Washing My Hair because that’s just one of those classic excuses if somebody calls or in my case somebody wants to have sex. “Not tonight, I have a headache” was a bit too long for a username. I’m making light of what I know could be a serious problem, or at the very least a puzzling one.
> 
> ...


Welcome to TAM!
I saw your other thread and thought it was probably going to be one of those that set a few folks off.

I don't have answers, but am full of questions about this and am curious about this topic.

Is there anything (like fantasies or romance or ??) that "gets you going"? Anything enjoyable at all?

No need to be specific, that will get this thread deleted. Just high level.

Have you been to any kind of sex therapist or counseling?

I guess I should wait to see what happens to your other thread...

Never mind!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I didn’t see your thread but your situation is not as uncommon as reading here would make it seem. Some people of both sexes just don’t care very much (if at all) about sex. I think both high interest and low interest are included on the sexual spectrum. Unfortunately those who are high and those who are low seem to frequently end up together instead of with someone like them. That creates problems that are not often solved although there is the occasional success story (which usually involves the low interest partner realizing divorce might be considered if they don’t quickly change). Obviously not a good place to find yourself.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Perhaps if you don't want a marriage with frequent sex and your husband does, you aren't compatible and should go your separate ways.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Your original thread is back. I say keep posting there as opposed to here.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

My original thread is public again so I’ll keep that topic of discussion over there. But hello everybody 👋


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sounds like you are a-sexual. Nothing wrong with that, unless you marry someone who is not a-sexual. If you do, for that person it's a nightmare. Unfortunately there seems to be a lot of a-sexual people who marry and pretend they are into it, until they have their spouse trapped. This is not unlike the polyamorous who also lie and trap people. For both it seems to be about getting the most options possible in potential mates. After all if in the middle of dating you said, ahh, not that into sex, you wouldn't have as many prospects. I think this is a one of the big reasons why people are hostile to this kind of stuff.

It also should be understood that lots of men experience their greatest level of intimacy with their wives during sex, or at least it's a gateway to feeling close. This isn't all that unlike close deep conversation or romance for many women. It actually works best when both parties play to their spouses nature, and it's set up to do that. 

However plenty of wives are dismissive of this fact, and it's not unlike a husband who calls romance stupid. Yes there are plenty of husbands to balk and say they are just not romantic, my answer is always, ****ing try. It's important to her and it's not that hard. Pretty much my answer to wives who dismiss the importance of sex assuming their husband is a decent man who wants to make that connection with you.

You're married, you have some ownership in your connection.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Welcome to TAM! I read some of your first thread and can’t recall if your husband is okay about this or where that all stands? I think it’s great that you’re reflecting on this although I don’t think you’re “wrong” to not desire sex per se, but if it’s a problem in your marriage, then it could be a sign that you need to move on to find someone on the same page. Think you mentioned that you didn’t suffer any trauma that caused you to feel this way, but I’d say you’re missing out on an experience with your husband that is beyond any other experience - that sense of closeness and intimacy that I think only comes from having sex with someone you’ve made a deep commitment to. (That’s just my viewpoint.) 

I enjoy sex with my husband and it’s not just a physical pleasure, but an emotional bond we share. Do you see sex as having an emotional component to it?


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