# Progress: not



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Well it seems I have discovered how to get my H to behave towards me in the ways I have wanted: spontaneously affectionate, complimentary, arranging quality time off his own back...

Act like an uninterested *****.

Seriously. I wish I were joking! I have not been nasty. Nor mean. Just interested in me and not him. Not responsive to him. Just even. I have literally done all the practical stuff I do but none of the emotional. 

And he won't leave me alone! Keeps asking what is the matter. Asked me the other day to "hug me and tell me that you love me." I nearly passed out: he NEVER EVER says stuff like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, actually, that is progress. You have learned something useful.

Not pleasant, no, but useful.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You married a man who likes a little chase... he needs to feel like he is on the verge of loosing something to spark his interest. 

I hate to tell you to keep being an uninterested B****...but it doesn't sound like you was, just cutting out the caring side of romance (the emotional)... Some relationship dynamics are like this . He is stirred by you showing more interest in yourself - apart from him. You were too "easy" before...according to him. So don't be easy anymore. 

Personally I think this would be very difficult depending on what type of woman you are...I could not live with a man like this, and he wouldn't like me either, I'd grow into more of a b**** by the day If I had to cut out the emotional I was feeling - to turn him on & get him to jump through a hoop to show me some attention..... but if you can get this to work to your liking somehow..... I guess it is a little progress.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He just wanted the feeling of "suspense" again, maybe? Like when you're first dating and you wonder if they'll call or stay over or show up where you are...

Childish in a way, but it's that "I want what i can't have" attitude...and right now, you are giving that to him.

I don't know how long I could keep that up though.


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## IsAnyoneHappy (Jun 13, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> Well it seems I have discovered how to get my H to behave towards me in the ways I have wanted: spontaneously affectionate, complimentary, arranging quality time off his own back...
> 
> Act like an uninterested *****.
> 
> ...




Similar situation with my wife.
Had a talk about her not being affectionate in the slightest.

Now she says 'can I have a hug' or 'can I kiss you'

To me this is worse, yes she's trying, but how soul destroying is that, being asked, why doesn't she just come up to me and hug me or kiss me like I would to her?
I never asked to hug or kiss her, I just did, because I wanted to.

How can you deal with that


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

See, I am all for making positive changes. But it is such a huge departure from how I am usually. Yesterday he kept asking me what was wrong, had he done anything? I wasn't being off with him, or mean or anything. Just getting on with stuff.

I said no, why? Turned out he was convinced I was being quiet because something was wrong, plus he was "overdue" for having done something to upset me.

He is coming to find me in the mornings before he leaves for work to kiss and hug me goodbye. He is grabbing me for random cuddles. He sat with me ALL EVENING yesterday and put my legs to rest over his lap. That is usually something he hates. Asking how MY day has been when he gets in. 

I am not stupid... I can see what he is responding to. The lack of emotional pressure. I think may be a little like you ladies have said is the chase. I just do not know how to strike a balance here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

And IsAnyoneHappy, it might be awkward to you but recognize your W has obviously listened to you and is making the effort. If I were you I would mention it but frame it positively. Like when she asks you again say "of course you can have a hug, you don't even need to ask. I like hugs whenever you give them" or something similar.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

WW, you got his attention maybe not the way you wanted, but you got it...focus on the posistive side of this (not the neg) this is something...you know he cares other wise he wouldnt engage you, you have something to build from now, baby steps, a work in progress.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah!!! 
Good for you, WWounded!
With practice, keep on doing what you are doing. 
It won't seem so awkward after awhile. 
You are looking after you.. you probably haven't done it for a long time. 
Good luck!!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

deejov

You think?

I am struggling with this. I have been thinking about it. How I have been behaving. Yes I have seen he *can* do the stuff I have asked for and in response to how I am. I see that.

I just feel it is so departed from who I am that like has been said, I do not know if I can sustain this. I honestly feel like I am operating as just "me" and not part of "us" being like this. I allmost feel like I am being passive aggressive in a way. I have near enough completely detached myself from wanting or asking for sex or anything by way of emotional connection. Allthough he is responding, it is in actual fact in response to me doing nothing for him. I don't kiss him or spontaneously hug him. I don't say anything nice to him or do anything extra for him outside of what I/we deem to be my responsibilities practically by way of looking after the kids and work and housework. I only text or call for practical stuff. In fact I realize that if he turned around and asked what I am doing to meet HIS emotional needs, I couldn't say much. I am making no effort over the practical everyday keep the household functioning stuff. 

I just switched off somewhere. The stupid thing is that allthough he has just started to turnaround completely, I feel so detached from him. I feel so empty and sad. Like my hands are tied and I have to stifle me and who I am in order for him to show love how I would like it. I am so incredibly unhappy yet he has done so much this last two weeks that I have wanted for a while now. I cannot function like this forever.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

walkingwounded said:


> I just feel it is so departed from who I am that like has been said, I do not know if I can sustain this. I honestly feel like I am operating as just "me" and not part of "us" being like this. I allmost feel like I am being passive aggressive in a way. I have near enough completely detached myself from wanting or asking for sex or anything by way of emotional connection.


If you feel this way, then he is picking up on it. IMHO his reaction has nothing to do with the thrill of the chase. Its a combination of being concerned about you and a fear of losing you.

It is a critical mistake in marriage to play manipulation games. He asked you if there was anything wrong and you lied, saying that nothing was. That is doing a tremendous disservice to your marriage. The correct answer was Yes and :



> I have near enough completely detached myself from wanting or asking for sex or anything by way of emotional connection.


Your hustband needs to know this. He needs to know that you are hurting and becoming detached from him and the marriage. Don't play passive / agressive games. Tell him you are afraid that you are losing your investment in the marriage and that you need his help to get back in the game.

Good luck


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think this is a process. My husband was uninterested in me for a long time and then I did a 180 and pulled back. It worked and he became more affectionate. In his case what he needed was space to want me again. Eventually I was able to inch back in and go back to my normal touchy feely self without him running away.

Your mileage my vary but this was my experience.

Oh and this process took about 10 months.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Walking,
Your H had an EA, and has been pushing you away for a long time. 

Both issues are not resolved, you have recently been in the situation where your thoughts and actions have been 100% based on doing or saying whatever you think he wants you to do so he will love you more and not repeat an affair or worse.

From what you have posted, it seemed really really one sided. There wasn't a balance there. No matter what you did or said, it didn't work. He was always not happy with it, and your pain was evident in your posts. 

You have to find your own center again. Detach to attach in a healthier way. Healthier meaning your self esteem is not dependent on his mood of the day, or how often you have sex, or whether you said or did the right thing. It's hard to SEE this, unless you find yourself actually feeling happy. 

It's more about taking back control. He's been puppeterring YOU for a long time. Playing games with you. As the result of the EA, most likely. The or else card. It takes time. Sometimes a long time.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I hear you deejov.

I have been doing a lot of quiet reflection over this weekend. H booked us onto a climbing course we have wanted to do for a while but never had the free time to do. He arranged and booked it, and sorted out a sitter for the kids. I realize he was invested in this because he is particularly interested but he also knew I wanted to do it. It is another example of how he has stepped up recently.

We both enjoyed it. It was great doing something new together and having that to talk about afterwards. I definitely felt it added a dimension we have neglected, spending time together doing fun stuff. I guess like a form of closeness, bonding that is non-sexual.

I have noticed he has seemed to respond to negativity. I say thi in that any time I bring something up or cross words are said, he steers the conversation away, like, "let's not spoil things" or "how did we get talking about that?" I feel stifled. I don't want to argue. I just want to feel I am free to bring up any issue. I feel right now like he only shows me this recent kind of love (ie demonstrating it in ways he knows I would like) if I am upbeat or just getting on with stuff.

I admit I have said things are OK when they are not whilst I have been detaching. Last week I started to explain how he has been so responsive since I stepped back and he just told me I was overthinking stuff, I read into everything. I swear I am rational. But he has this way of making me question myself. So I just haven't brought it up since.

I am also on tenterhooks with the affection. He is being quite open, but I am acutely aware that as soon as I start to make moves even vaguely in his direction, he starts being uninterested, or "may be" ish. It does NOTHING for my esteem and I kick myself EVERY time I start to feel I can approach him again.


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