# Marriage is flopping



## Dearscrilly (Jun 23, 2013)

Hi,

I am new member but have come across this site few times in the past when looking for insight. Really looking for some insight as I do not feel I can talk to friends at the moment.

I have been with my husband for 8 years married for 3 but it is bcming a struggle. We seem to be going over the same issues in the same cycle of 'incident, festering, arguments, cold shoulder, distance for however long he sees fit and then waiting. I feel I cannot do right for wrong because even if something is his fault, in his eyes it is my fault anyway because I caused his reaction to my action. If that makes sense. 

After a stressful year, I took a short career break but have yet to find a new job which is soul destroying. I am actively looking, living on my own savings, pay more then my fair share of all the household bills, pay for all groceries, keep house, ensure dinner and lunch is cooked for him and am trying to get fitter - already lost over 30 pounds. I have some bad traits obviously, selfish, can be distant, emotional and sarcastic. I struggle with confidence so throw myself into things and then don't follow them through.

When we argue now he talks as though he is there to be taken advantage of. He won't tput anything away after himself, thinks I do nothing all day and brings up old issues. His anger can go on for days and he never want's to resolve anything unless it is on his terms.

Frankly as I type this I feel angry and manipulated. There is no fairness in the disputes, I have told him I hated him previously during our worst argument and he is called me a 'cheeky c*~t' something I cannot get over. In the beginning of the relationship we said we would never be like that with each other, calling eachother names and etc. Now here we are.

There is an age gap of a decade. So sometimes there is an element of schooling going on which I resent. I do not want a father or a co-dependent set-up. I want to be an equal but the more this goes on the more I become like that and don' t know what I am anymore.

I feel like we are doomed.

Any advice appreciated.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

The age gap in itself is not necessarily a factor unless you have a psychological issue with it. I know of many long term successes with as much as 30 yrs between them.

It sounds like you're familiar with co-dependence and headed that way. A helpful poster with my own thread suggested the book for me "codependent no more". 

Being out of work, especially if you are the responsible type, sounds like it is aggravating the situation. Hope you find something soon. Hang in there. Maybe it will iron itself out when you get back to work if you are used to having that routine in your life. 

Your relationship probably has some underlying issues, but your own life may feel too chaotic right now without having a job.

You mentioned you gave it up after a "stressful year". Can you mention what that was about?

On the other hand, just having the extra time together may have opened your eyes to problems you could keep in the background. That may be why so many people I know divorce shortly after retirement unfortunately.


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