# My daughter's affair with MM, now she's talking of marriage



## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

On a public computer here in the UK; shared IP address (just mentioned, for the mods sake. Don't want to be banned just because I'm on a public terminal that loads of people use every day; this site was in the bookmarks already here on Firefox.)

I have a daughter who's 22, she lives away from home, at a flat in town, but came to stay over for the weekend. She told us over dinner that she's dating this guy, he's 43, a car salesman, has two girls aged 14 and 16, and says he's separated from his wife. She told us he's still technically married, but that he only married his wife for her money, not who she was as a person, said he told her it was a "marriage for money, but can't tell the wife that, can I, she's some wealthy American I met in London years ago, we're still married now, but, heh, I'mwith you, for keeps, **** my bint of a wife.".

She then went on to say she's been dating him for 18 months now, and she feels that the relationship's now become serious and that they'd secretly got engaged (in a McDonald's one day, when the man's daughters were at school). 

I can't stop her doing this, she's an adult, it's not my place to interfere there, I do worry for her. 

She then went on to tell us over dinner that he told her only last week that he was married, he spends a few nights in his apartment, a few nights at home, he's partially moved in there, wants to move his daughters in with him. 

My husband isn't at all impressed. Not one bit.

She claimed he was his soulmate, and that they want a kid together, even though the bloke has two already.

She continued by asking us to meet him, said she'd invited us to a branch of a local Subway or a Marks & Spencer cafe, said she'd buy us the meal, said it'd be a good day out.

I asked her, why not meet him at our house, she insisted it was better to do so in public with no explaining why.

My daughter also insists she'd be a good step-mum to them, and has bought them gifts already, early Christmas presents, bought the 16-year-old daughter Adidas gear and crop tops (she admitted to this) and the 14-year-old daughter some Rimmel lipsticks (over here in the UK we have Mick Jagger's daughter promoting a "Lipstick Revolution" on the telly!)

I do worry for my daughter, she's never really had serious experience of relationships, and only ever seriously dated 2 people before now, she's never really had that much dating experience.

Isn't she at 22 a bit young for all this sort of thing?

What she said next concerned me. She claimed "He's my soulmate, I don't ****ing care what others think, we're for life now, sure, he's older, but what the hell? He's like a sexy version of James May without the grey hair."

The age gap is 21 years between them.

Soulmates? Isn't this where fantasy-vs-reality comes into play here?

I know on some relationship sites people always cite the following as issues but how true are they as real-life tests of their relationship:



> Washing his dirty underwear
> 
> Paying bills together
> 
> ...



She's gushing about this bloke and how "sexy" he is, and claims he's her "soulmate".

I'm worried about my daughter, should I be? What should I do now?

Me and my husband are worried.

We need advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She is setting the stage for the rest of her life. I'm sorry. Your daughter does not value marriage. This guy is just using her. She will either learn the hard way or she will become hardened and end up in one failed relationship after another, possibly cheating on her future husband.... whoever he may be. 

All you can do is voice your disapproval and stand back and do your best not to enable her. Don't loan her money, don't lie for her, don't let her guilt you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think this relationship will crash and burn when she's still waiting around for him (to actually divorce) a year from now, so maybe the most you can do is just be there as her soft place to fall when it does. 

Has she met the teenagers??


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## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think this relationship will crash and burn when she's still waiting around for him (to actually divorce) a year from now, so maybe the most you can do is just be there as her soft place to fall when it does.
> 
> Has she met the teenagers??


Yes, she's met them, and convinced them to keep it a secret from their mum, got them to lie about where their dad got the gifts from, she said.

She told me she wants a marriage, with husband, kids etc.

As for the fact this man's wife is American (but the guy is British, well, English, like I am!), but the kids born here in the UK does that mean they're U.S. citizens? IIRC that was what I read on Wikipedia, but is it true?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It will end when he is done using her and he finds his next affair partner. I just hope he does it before she gets pregnant.

This is a lousy situation. 

About all you can do is follow what Bandit said. Any more and you push her away. 

You still want to be the one she runs to when it all falls apart.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Slaugan404 said:


> Yes, she's met them, and convinced them to keep it a secret from their mum, got them to lie about where their dad got the gifts from, she said.
> 
> She told me she wants a marriage, with husband, kids etc.
> 
> As for the fact this man's wife is American (but the guy is British, well, English, like I am!), but the kids born here in the UK does that mean they're U.S. citizens? IIRC that was what I read on Wikipedia, but is it true?


No they are not US citizens. They would have had to have been born in the US. 

They can qualify for legal residency since their mother is a US citizen , but they would still have to go through the naturalization process.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Slaugan404 said:


> Yes, she's met them, and convinced them to keep it a secret from their mum, got them to lie about where their dad got the gifts from, she said.
> 
> She told me she wants a marriage, with husband, kids etc.
> 
> As for the fact this man's wife is American (but the guy is British, well, English, like I am!), but the kids born here in the UK does that mean they're U.S. citizens? IIRC that was what I read on Wikipedia, but is it true?


Your daughter is teaching herself a lot of really bad behaviors. Getting the kids to lie for her? Oh wow.....


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Well, she's an adult. All you can do is allow her to make her own mistakes. That's part of the learning process, and what a parent sometimes (always?) needs to do with their children.

In this case, he might be on the up-and-up, but honestly, you probably don't think that's likely, do you? He still lives "at home" (with the wife, I assume?) and has an apartment. This screams "second life", cheating husband, a hide-away apartment. However, you did mention that his kids have met your daughter, so unless they're in on this with their dad (which would be rather twisted) then it does seem as though that marriage is over.

Regardless, no parent particularly wants their child (adult or not) to be involved with somebody nearly twice their age. Not saying that's a bad thing, necessarily, but 22 IS young. And this is a lot for your daughter to be getting herself into. I mean, honestly - the second the ex wife finds out about her, she will be the stereotypical younger woman her almost-middle-aged ex husband left her for. He might as well buy a sports car to complete the look.

My opinion, and mine only - I'm 40. Roughly the same age as this guy. I have nieces and nephews, and friends with kids that age. I don't identify with them at all (and I'm immature!). If I were 40-something and single, there'd really only be one thing I'd be interested in from a woman that age, and it sure wouldn't be a marriage and a future.

But, she needs to learn on her own. She may very well be in love with him, but she's also being short-sighted. Unfortunately, that's not your place to mention. If she were a few years younger, sure, but at 22, no way. She wouldn't listen, anyhow. And if (IF) things magically work out between them (it could, you never know), then you've shot yourself in the foot going forward.

Let her learn her own lessons, and be there if and when she needs you.


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## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

I should mention, my daughter is autistic, was diagnosed as so aged 15, so that's relatively recent, like 7 years ago, think it was February 2008 she was diagnosed as having autism spectrum disorder.

Legally here in the UK she's classified as a vulnerable adult, but I don't know what the American benefits system would classify her as though.


This complicates things a bit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Does he know she is ASD? 

You should involve the police. 

Under the circumstances of a much older man and a young girl who is ASD then if he has any sex with her it might constitute sexual assault.

The laws in the UK are now designed to protect vulnerable people like your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Slaugan404 said:


> Yes, she's met them, and convinced them to keep it a secret from their mum, got them to lie about where their dad got the gifts from, she said.
> 
> She told me she wants a marriage, with husband, kids etc.
> 
> As for the fact this man's wife is American (but the guy is British, well, English, like I am!), but the kids born here in the UK does that mean they're U.S. citizens? IIRC that was what I read on Wikipedia, but is it true?


Ask her why she wants to be married to a guy who encourages his kids to lie to their Mom...


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Oh my, this is dysfunctional on so many levels. 
Does he have a full time job even though his wife has money?
Does your daughter have a full time job?


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Slaugan404 said:


> My daughter also insists she'd be a good step-mum to them, and has bought them gifts already, early Christmas presents, bought the 16-year-old daughter Adidas gear and crop tops (she admitted to this) and the 14-year-old daughter some Rimmel lipsticks (over here in the UK we have Mick Jagger's daughter promoting a "Lipstick Revolution" on the telly!)
> 
> We need advice.



So, has your daughter ever used the words "soulmate", etc before? If not, this guy is brainwashing her. 

Unfortunately, you can't stop a train. Sounds like she going to let this guy into her life further. 

My advice, encourage her to let his kids move in with her fulltime. Usually having 2 teenage women in the house will crank up the reality. These teens will be angry and feel betrayed. It will probably create more conflict and crush this guy's fantasy crap he's been feeding her. 

If you are helping your daughter financially, I highly urge you to stop while this dude is around. If the money stops flowing, because he sounds motivated by cash, he may quickly lose interest. You can tell her something like, "Wow, you're clearly able to take care of yourself and his family, you don't need our help anymore." 

I know that this is stressful because you see her as making a huge mistake. But standing in her way will only make her want to run to him more. Keep your door open and allow her to talk about him. I'm sure she'll come around to see he's a loser, but she has to have these revelations on her own.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

if they are such 'soulmates' he should just leave his wife now. 

I bet once she finds out, he'll change his tune and drop your daughter in a heartbeat. He's just a lousy predator.

Maybe someone, <hint hint>, should help speed this process along and let the wifey know what's going on.

An anonymous phone call or letter might be just what this situation needs. If he's telling the daughters, it doesn't sound like they are being that discrete anyways.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ReidWright said:


> if they are such 'soulmates' he should just leave his wife now.
> 
> I bet once she finds out, he'll change his tune and drop your daughter in a heartbeat. He's just a lousy predator.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
I say you have nothing to lose at this point.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Slaugan404 said:


> She then went on to say she's been dating him for 18 months now, and she feels that the relationship's now become serious and that they'd secretly got engaged (in a McDonald's one day, when the man's daughters were at school).
> 
> We need advice.


One more thing, if she's hidden this from you for this long, she knows somewhere deep in her bones it's a bad match. It sounds more like she's trying to assert her independence and test boundaries with you. 

If I were you I would mention to her something very supportive like, "We love you so much, we love that you're out meeting people and dating. We always support you and want you to tell us about the adventures you're having. We don't know why you waited 18 months to tell us this!"

Sound as supportive and upbeat as you possibly can. She will most likely be totally bewildered because she's expecting this is not "good" news for you and your husband. And it is not good news, but this is more about trying to make her feel safe and allowing her to open up no matter the nature of the news. 

In other words, you've got to reverse psychology the heck out of this. She's wanting you to push her away towards him and her independence. Don't do it! support, nurture, love! 

Sounds like you're already on the right track by not having a big reaction/blow-up about it in front of her. 

Good luck!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I do worry for my daughter, she's never really had serious experience of relationships, and only ever seriously dated 2 people before now, she's never really had that much dating experience.


What are her friendships like with other people?

This is one those moments in life when people need to learn to be selfish. Your daughter is thinking that this guy is worth the benefit of the doubt and that she will is capable of being a very generous stepmother while having her own children with their father. We know that it does not always turn out that way.

Maybe attempting to point your daughter into more positive directions while refusing to recognize and enable her affair with this guy can help. 

Regarding citizenship, just one American parent gives offspring the right to American citizenship. Since the UK and the US have an agreement, the children can hold both citizenships even into adulthood.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you considered tracking down this "man's" wife and telling her yourself?

Clearly, he isn't leaving the money he married. If he were, his relationship with your DD would be out in the open. Your DD is the side piece he uses for sex and ego stroking while he's using his wife for her money. I'd bet my last dollar that if his wife found out he'd be so busy doing damage control and trying to keep her and her money with him that he'd be unable to continue on with your DD the way he has been.


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## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Does he know she is ASD?
> 
> You should involve the police.
> 
> ...


He doesn't know, according to my daughter, she's never told him.

As it is, we haven't met this guy yet. She told me he's a good lover, considerate, likeable.


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## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> What are her friendships like with other people?
> 
> This is one those moments in life when people need to learn to be selfish. Your daughter is thinking that this guy is worth the benefit of the doubt and that she will is capable of being a very generous stepmother while having her own children with their father. We know that it does not always turn out that way.
> 
> ...


She has friendships, but mostly with people our age anyway, she's always got on better with people older than her.

Our daughter does have a job, works in a warehouse, so she's at least earning some money within what UK benefit regulations say.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you considered tracking down this "man's" wife and telling her yourself?
> 
> Clearly, he isn't leaving the money he married. If he were, his relationship with your DD would be out in the open. Your DD is the side piece he uses for sex and ego stroking while he's using his wife for her money. I'd bet my last dollar that if his wife found out he'd be so busy doing damage control and trying to keep her and her money with him that he'd be unable to continue on with your DD the way he has been.


QFT!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Report him to the police.

Under UK law ignorance is no defence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> No they are not US citizens. They would have had to have been born in the US.
> 
> They can qualify for legal residency since their mother is a US citizen , but they would still have to go through the naturalization process.


Actually, the are eligible to obtain birthright U.S. citizenship under the concept of jus sanguinis.

As long as their U.S. citizen mother has lived at least 5 years of her life, 2 of which must have been after age 14, in the U.S. or its territorial possessions. If she has, then her children have the right to birthright citizenship in the U.S. since they are the result of a marriage.

There are legal differences for children born out of wedlock.

So they do not have to go through the naturalization process if their mother meets the above qualifications, which I would assume she does.

Ironically, I just happen to be teaching lessons on citizenship in my government classes the past couple days and was doing a class discussion on this very topic earlier today.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Actually, the are eligible to obtain birthright U.S. citizenship under the concept of jus sanguinis.
> 
> As long as their U.S. citizen mother has lived at least 5 years of her life, 2 of which must have been after age 14, in the U.S. or its territorial possessions. If she has, then her children have the right to birthright citizenship in the U.S. since they are the result of a marriage.
> 
> ...


Stole my thunder. Bastage.....

By the way, I think that is a bullshyte law.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Stole my thunder. Bastage.....
> 
> By the way, I think that is a bullshyte law.


lmao....sorry about that Bandit.

I actually don't have a problem with the law at all.

I know if I was living overseas, and ended up getting M and having children while doing so, I would want my kids to have the same opportunities as any other American.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm an American so they would be as well, regardless of where they were born.

Ironically, if it wasn't for the concept jus sanguinis John McCain wouldn't have been eligible to run for President in 2008.....he was born in Panama while his father was stationed there.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> lmao....sorry about that Bandit.
> 
> I actually don't have a problem with the law at all.
> 
> ...


It works the other way when alien parents have their anchor babies here in the states so they can stay. BULLLLLLLSHIIIIIITTTTT!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry OP, but this will not end well for your daughter. At all. But maybe this is a kind of lesson she needs to learn. If she wants to be treated like an adult, then she will have to face reality that this will very likely blow up in her face. 

I could be wrong, however, and they could have a great life together. I seriously doubt it though. He's not even divorced and on to the next one. He's still seeing his wife! 

Your daughter sounds like she's setting herself up to crash & burn if (when) this goes pear-shaped.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> No they are not US citizens. They would have had to have been born in the US.
> 
> They can qualify for legal residency since their mother is a US citizen , but they would still have to go through the naturalization process.


The children have dual citizenships; British & U.S. citizens. I was born in a foreign country with a native mother and American father. I had dual citizenships until the age of 18 when I chosed to vote in the U.S. I carried a U.S. passport as I enterred the U.S. The passport was issued by the U.S. Embassy. No naturalization process for the us (children). My mother went through the naturalization process as she wished to be a U.S. citizen.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your 22 year old daughter is a mistress of a 43 year old man. Don't condone this behavior. This will end up in a bad way. Expose this affair to his wife. This 43 year old man is manipulating your daughter and feeding her all sorts of lies. This is going to end up with your daughter's heartbreak.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> It works the other way when alien parents have their anchor babies here in the states so they can stay. BULLLLLLLSHIIIIIITTTTT!


No, it doesn't work the other way, they are completely different statuettes. If you removed the US citizen abroad rules, the one you don't like would still exists.
/derail.

I like the informing of the wife. Your daughter is considered vulnerable by your rules and she needs your help. Plus, teaching two teens to lie and split loyalty is awful.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, it doesn't work the other way, they are completely different statuettes. If you removed the US citizen abroad rules, the one you don't like would still exists.


Blahh!!!


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I've been cheated on and I can tell you, now that I a with my new mate, nothing, I mean nothing could have stopped my ex and his new wife. 

THEY WERE destined to be together. It was hard for me, I see now that it was not about me. I was perfect, but their inevitable union was stronger than me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I'm all for telling this scumbag's wife what her husband is up to, I'd be concerned about what that could do to your relationship with your daughter, if she were to find out that you were the one who told his wife.

Your daughter relies on you more than most 22 year olds given her ASD. This is not going to end well for her, and she's going to need you more than ever when it all goes to he!l in a handbasket.

If someone does inform his wife, it shouldn't be you...


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, it doesn't work the other way, they are completely different *statuettes*.


I'm not sure *that's* exactly what you meant. >


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Satya said:


> I could be wrong, however, and they could have a great life together. I seriously doubt it though. He's not even divorced and on to the next one. He's still seeing his wife!


I do just want to bring up the fact that, although he's still legally married (we assume), that that fact alone doesn't really have much, if any, bearing on the relationship IMO.

I started seeing my now-wife while I was still legally married to my ex wife. Here, there is a 1-year wait period before you can divorce. It's similar in most places. You can't just file for divorce and it's done the next day.

In my case, my ex wife DID move out, but she still had access to the house I was living in for several months. We did not have kids (kids complicate things!).

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the OP didn't say (or doesn't know) who's responsible for that marriage ending. For all we know, the wife is the one who ended the marriage, or cheated, or perhaps she even has a boyfriend as well.

Perhaps they still share the same household "for the kids". He has his own apartment, which he apparently lives in some of the time, so it's not a financial reason, it appears.

I'm just saying - people can and do date while waiting for a divorce. I can't imagine there are TOO many people out there who sit around and wait until a divorce is final to start seeing other people. It's just the way it is. This part of the story is rather irrelevant, if you ask me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let me see....

His wife never understood him like his new girlfriend understands him.

He now realises that he never really loved his wife in the way that she deserves to be loved, not to the extent that he loves his new girlfriend who is, of course, his soulmate.

Yeah. And he will marry her just as soon as the divorce is final. Just have to wait for the right moment to drop the hammer on his wife.

That will take place later this year. Or later next year or, they have decided to wait until the children finish school.

BTW if daughter falls pregnant he WILL do a runner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Let me see....
> BTW if daughter falls pregnant he WILL do a runner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he will persuade her to abort the kid, *then* do a runner.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Popcorn2015 said:


> No, he will persuade her to abort the kid, *then* do a runner.


That's also possible with a sleaze like that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> I do just want to bring up the fact that, although he's still legally married (we assume), that that fact alone doesn't really have much, if any, bearing on the relationship IMO.
> 
> I started seeing my now-wife while I was still legally married to my ex wife. Here, there is a 1-year wait period before you can divorce. It's similar in most places. You can't just file for divorce and it's done the next day.
> 
> ...


Alexm, I don't have an issue with people who choose to date before divorce is final. I am of a different mind on the matter, but that's because waiting was essential to me. 

I'm glad things worked out with your current wife. What prompted my response was specific to what I read from the OP, and in this case, yes I do think this part of the story is relevant:



Slaugan404 said:


> She then went on to say *she's been dating him for 18 months now*, and she feels that the relationship's now become serious and that they'd secretly got engaged (in a McDonald's one day, when the man's daughters were at school).
> 
> [....]
> 
> She then went on to tell us over dinner that *he told her only last week that he was married*, he spends a few nights in his apartment, a few nights at home, he's partially moved in there, wants to move his daughters in with him.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Satya said:


> Alexm, I don't have an issue with people who choose to date before divorce is final. I am of a different mind on the matter, but that's because waiting was essential to me.
> 
> I'm glad things worked out with your current wife. What prompted my response was specific to what I read from the OP, and in this case, yes I do think this part of the story is relevant:
> 
> ...


Fair enough, that's pretty sketchy.

All the same, though, whether he's married and in the process of separation/divorce or he's single - in and of itself - isn't that relevant, IMO. Obviously, keeping that from her for however long he did, DOES. But dating while one is in the process of divorce is generally okay (and I'm not just saying that because I did it). As long as your partner knows (preferably both partners, I suppose), and the marriage is truly done.

In my case, I didn't like it all that much, TBH. My marriage was 110% done. She left me for somebody else, no chance of reconciliation, bridges burned, etc. But I still was cognizant of the fact that I was seeing other women while legally married to somebody else. But I didn't hide it. And there were no kids to explain (or lie) to.

But yeah, I see what you mean. Was the marriage really over before he started dating OPs daughter? Is she nothing but a pawn in the divorce?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, our children have to grow up and learn their own lessons but this man sounds like a predator. Mi would at the very least, tell his wife.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

your daughter maybe seduced by the thoughts that an older man finds her attractive and that there's something cool about "beating out" another woman in the finding a partner sweepstakes. (damned society myths.....)

I hope that you can help her in building her self-esteem so that she doesn't have to settle a second time around guy at such a young age.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> Was the marriage really over before he started dating OPs daughter? Is she nothing but a pawn in the divorce?


Right. We wouldn't know without input from the guy in question. There's a lot of story we aren't getting. However, it is a red flag to me that he wouldn't be honest about his situation for 18 months. That's a rather large revelation after a year and a half of dating. I try not to be assuming, but really, one thing it tells me is that he probably wanted to move on and date (and maybe he really does like OPs daughter), he saw a young, fun girl, didn't want his baggage involved, so chose not to share it. Now OPs daughter is so hooked on him that the news of his marriage and kids is not really registering with her. She's a bit blind to what it really means for their future relationship.

I just don't see it ending well for her. I have no problem with the age disparity either, because there's one in my relationship as well, but building a relationship on dishonesty or lies of omission isn't that healthy imo. 

I'll leave the rest of my assumptions under wraps for now. Hopefully we'll see more of this story unfold.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think the one thing you should do is strongly but kindly reinforce with her that getting pregnant will make things a lot worse rather than better. Pregnancy never saves a relationship in trouble. Pregnancy never makes a good relationship easier.

This relationship is probably doomed, but there isn't really anything which can be done to convince your daughter to back off. The one thing you can do is help her not make the biggest mistake which would be to get pregnant.

I would do some snooping on who this guy is, who his wife is, where he really lives, etc. His story is likely full of lies. While you can't really tell your daughter easily that he is lying to her, if his story is totally false then you might tell her. 

The fact his daughters have met yours indicates his marriage probably isn't much of anything. They may even have an arrangement for an open marriage. Who knows. But if it turns out this guy is really living a double life, I'd expose it to his wife.


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## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

Thor said:


> I think the one thing you should do is strongly but kindly reinforce with her that getting pregnant will make things a lot worse rather than better. Pregnancy never saves a relationship in trouble. Pregnancy never makes a good relationship easier.
> 
> This relationship is probably doomed, but there isn't really anything which can be done to convince your daughter to back off. The one thing you can do is help her not make the biggest mistake which would be to get pregnant.
> 
> ...


My daughter showed me the guy's profile on a car dealership's website, so it at least proves he is who he says he is, it was the same guy as the selfie on her mobile phone. She also showed me an email from him (from some webmail account) with photos of him and his wife dated "20-10-14" (or as you Americans would write, 10/20/14), a screencap of him from Facebook with the title "Me and (wife's name) and a red X over it". It looked like a badly-done X in Paint, you know that Microsoft program. 

Is the car dealership profile of him with email address a better verification than a Facebook or Twitter one?

She also told me that he said:


> We can't tell my wife about this, she'd kick me in the balls if she found out, throw me out, but then again, I only married her money, anyway. But at least it's our little secret (and of course my daughters are in on it too, but they won't dare ****ing tell their mum about this).


This probably rules out the bit about an open marriage, then.

I've also seen a selfie my daughter took of him cuddling her on the bonnet of some BMW luxury car (one of them big BMW saloons) on a car forecourt.

What's her motivation for showing this? Honesty, or "look at me"?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> your daughter maybe seduced by the thoughts that an older man finds her attractive and that there's something cool about "beating out" another woman in the finding a partner sweepstakes. (damned society myths.....)
> 
> I hope that you can help her in building her self-esteem so that she doesn't have to settle a second time around guy at such a young age.


She will believe she is saving him from a loveless marriage to a beastly woman who doesn't understand him or who doesn't know him like she does. Etc, etc, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

BMW. Nice. What does this guy do at the dealership? Something with money and prestige? If his wife is money-bags, why is he working? Something doesn't fully add up here.

I'm having visions of the character in the movie "True Lies" :surprise:

I don't think you're going to convince her she's on the wrong path with this guy. She's going to have to learn for herself.

From what you've said, the wife would not be happy if she knew. That may be your best avenue to pursue if you want to break up this relationship. Just consider the possibility the guy actually does think he's your daughter's soulmate, and if his marriage explodes he may want your daughter to move in / marry him (though I don't think that is at all likely).


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Tell the guy's wife. Your daughter is ruining another woman's life and affecting the future of 2 innocent children. Have you told her that?

I wouldn't cooperate with her. It doesn't matter if she's your daughter. Her actions and lifestyle are shameful. Don't be an accessory to her behavior.

Tell the man's wife.


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## Slaugan404 (Nov 20, 2015)

synthetic said:


> Tell the guy's wife. Your daughter is ruining another woman's life and affecting the future of 2 innocent children. Have you told her that?
> 
> I wouldn't cooperate with her. It doesn't matter if she's your daughter. Her actions and lifestyle are shameful. Don't be an accessory to her behavior.
> 
> Tell the man's wife.


Since the bloke's been trying to get his daughters "on side" with him, getting them to keep it secret from her etc., that makes it even worse?

BTW, I heard this man's wife is a member of some American Womens Expat association or something like that (and a lot of its members _are_ wealthy). The couple are well-known in our area as it is, anyway.

I could tell this man's wife, but I worry shewon't believe me, and accuse me of being his OW when that's not the case.

What I do know is that my daughter wants a kid with this bloke, and to be stepmum to the 2 teenagers as well, which in reality, probably won't be "sunshine and roses" as she thinks.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You can inform her anonymously. Include your daughter's name if you want to. Or just provide enough information that she could verify for herself with minimal investigation that he is having an affair. Or you could engage a willing 3rd party to tell her so that you are completely out of the picture. If it were a man it would then give you plausible deniability, if you want it.

I don't see a lot of downside to informing her of the affair.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Slaugan404 said:


> Since the bloke's been trying to get his daughters "on side" with him, getting them to keep it secret from her etc., that makes it even worse?
> 
> BTW, I heard this man's wife is a member of some American Womens Expat association or something like that (and a lot of its members _are_ wealthy). The couple are well-known in our area as it is, anyway.
> 
> ...


yes, there are several American Women's clubs dotted around London and the southeast. Some of the women are wealthy. Some are trailing spouses and comfortable due to generous corporate expat packages that their husbands get. 

If she is really wealthy, her estranged husband will not want to let her go...no matter what story he tells your daughter.


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