# New member



## bsoto (Mar 17, 2020)

Hi everyone, I'm new to this chat room my alias is Javier.

Recently I found out my wife had an affair after 32 years of marriage or I should say 32nd anniversary coming up next month she denied it at first but then came clean some what? 

We are trying to work on our marriage and maybe save it. We have started counseling and I just don't know if I can trust her ever again she betrayed my heart and now it is broken and I don't know if it can ever be repaired with her.

I had put her on a pedestal and maybe in doing so I'm the one that created this monster?

32 years of marriage there were a lot of ups and downs but one thing that remained constant was my love for her, the way I would have put it before is the one thing that remained constant was OUR love but now that feeling has changed!

I feel like our marriage has been a lie that all the times she said she loved me was just words with no meaning...

I was a relatively a happy man but now I feel like a zombie just going through the motions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@bsoto

Welcome to TAM and sorry you are going through this. Many of us here have and survived it.

It's a long road to repair a marriage. Your wife needs to do most of the work to prove to you that she regrets her actions and can be trusted again.

About 85% of marriages are able to recover from an affair and go on to have a good marriage. So it can be done. But it will take a while for you to heal from all this.

In addition to the counseling, there are some very good books available that can help. Here's a link to one of them.

*After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful*


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

bsoto said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new to this chat room my alias is Javier.
> 
> Recently I found out my wife had an affair after 32 years of marriage or I should say 32nd anniversary coming up next month she denied it at first but then came clean some what?
> 
> ...


Read "The Rational Male" That's a good start and a place to understand inter-sexual dynamics. And why things happened in the marriage. https://therationalmale.com/category/game/relationship-game/
I read all the touchy feely books too...none of them worked to get my life back in order.
Check this out at 1:30


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yeah. Sucks big time, doesn't it?

We have been where you are and we Understand the pain.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We are sorry you found yourself.....here.

Tell us what you know about her affair. 

How far did she go?
How low did she go, might be the better question?

Can she still be in it? 
Is it over?

Who is the other man?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When you are ready @bsoto please share your story.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

When was the affair?

How are you doing?

Stay strong and do what is best for YOU! Don’t let anyone pressure you into doing anything

Good luck


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Are you still here?

Hope for the best.

Stay strong


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

bsoto said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new to this chat room my alias is Javier.
> 
> Recently I found out my wife had an affair after 32 years of marriage or I should say 32nd anniversary coming up next month she denied it at first but then came clean some what?
> 
> ...


I take it you are trying to save your marriage. In doing so there is one thing your wife needs to provide you, and that is honest answers as to any question you may have. I put mine on a pedestal as you did only to find out that pedestal was made of clay so to speak. Mine cheated after 29 years of marriage.

My initial questions to you are: 1) How long was the affair going on? 2) How did you discover and validate the affair? 3) Was this her only affair? 

I would encourage you to schedule a lie detector test. Do not let her know you are doing so, and simply go for a “drive” if you catch my drift. Her willingness or refusal to do so will tell you all you need to know. I had my wife take one and I told her one lie, it is over. No ifs ands or buts. She passed. I asked six very pointed questions to her. An uncomfortable time for both of us to say the least, but this helped me arrive at my decision to R.

How you now feel is normal. From one who has been in your shoes and is now on 4 years of R, take your time. Do not make rash decisions, and first and foremost make sure your MC is good. I would strongly encourage you as I have others to get a male MC, not a female. This was solid advice from my cousin who is a female as well as a counselor. Best advice I had as I started the journey of reconciliation.

Keep in mind you are in a marathon not sprint. To successfully work out of the situation you are now in will take time. Experts say 2-5 years before some form of normalcy returns to your relationship. Your WW needs to feel your pain and before you make a decision to R, make sure you see remorse from her.

During our first joint MC session my wife and I Were read letters to each other we had written as instructed by our MC. Hers was read first and was a letter from her apologizing to me. Mine was approximately 20 pages long and I wrote of the PAIN she had inflicted on me. I spared nothing in pouring out my pain to her in this letter. It was tersely written, harsh, and honest on my part. While our MC was midway through my letter, my FWW fell from her chair and curled up in a fetal position and bawled her eyes out while repeating over and over how sorry she was. I went to pick her up and the MC put his finger to his lips and I knew he wanted me to stand down and let this play out. This went on for 15 minutes. At that point I knew I experienced true remorse and we could slay the dragon of infidelity. I found out too my MC was one sharp individual.

Only until you see true remorse will you be able to move forward with her. As I tell others who have been in our shoes a quote from one of my favorite sports figures, the late Pat Summitt...”left foot, right foot, breath and repeat”

Again, make no decision either way to D or R until you have a clear head. I hope all works out in a good way for you sir. Peace.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have the two of you committed to any form of marriage or pastoral counseling?*


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@bsoto, any updates?


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