# Girlfriend/Daughter meeting advice?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My ex and I are co-parents (not yet divorced) and our daughter is soon to start primary. Last year I met someone, and this year we became a couple. Now comes the uncomfortable inevitability of the girlfriend-daughter meetup.

What steps should be taken to keep things drama-free?


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## HypnoHealer (Feb 14, 2014)

Don't make it dramatic. Have a meal. Do simple stuff. Don't have your bf go out of her way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thats the plan for tomorrow, also introducing her as a friend first before anything else, my primary concern is my daughter's reaction considering shes always on about daddy coming home. How do you prepare a child for this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Be kind. Treat everyone politely.

Don't be a d!ck.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It was mentioned in another thread that an ill prepared meeting may result in repercussions, any other things to consider?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How long have you been with your new gf OP? I would wait as long as possible before introducing your daughter to any new gf, particularly as she still wants daddy to go home.

It will likely be very confusing for her.

It was a good six to seven months before I met my husbands daughter, and then the visits were kept very short - dinner together and not long after I would go home. No sleepovers until I moved in while she was there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We've been together throughout last year as exclusive FWBs, and became an "official" couple this year. So it's roughly around the same timeframe as yours although we weren't exactly dating "officially". I've kept the two away from each other throughout this time, but now that we are "official" my gf has expressed she has heard so much about my daughter and wants to finally meet her. Not to mention she wishes to see more of me during the weekends - which I have committed for my daughter.

I have no idea how to get my daughter to stop wishing "daddy comes home", relations with my ex is civil at the moment but it's a tight-rope, I am unsure of her feelings but I know she hasn't moved on completely as I can FEEL her resentment each time I see her that I walked away despite the fact she brought up divorce in the first place.

I do plan a short visit and to slowly allow my daughter to warm up to her, but that's it, a simple plan. I just hope I'm not missing any pointers - like I don't want a disaster considering my life is very steady now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It would help if you were officially divorced. Your daughter would be able to accept the situation without thinking your gf is keeping daddy apart from mommy.

How long does a divorce take in your neck of the woods?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Yeah, that's awkward if you are planning to introduce your daughter to your girlfriend if you aren't divorced yet. Is having a girlfriend/boyfriend while married being OK really the message you want to send?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It would help if you were officially divorced. Your daughter would be able to accept the situation without thinking your gf is keeping daddy apart from mommy.
> 
> How long does a divorce take in your neck of the woods?





Starstarfish said:


> Yeah, that's awkward if you are planning to introduce your daughter to your girlfriend if you aren't divorced yet. Is having a girlfriend/boyfriend while married being OK really the message you want to send?


I have to agree with the posters above. You guys have been FWB for a year & only official BF/GF for about a month (or less). I would personally wait to do any introductions, especially since the divorce isn't finalized. You never know if your STB-ex will go psycho at the thought of another woman around her daughter before the divorce.

If the new GF is that understanding, then she should understand your situation & how touchy it is. I don't recommend introducing her just yet.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

Looks like I should have asked this question sooner, as my gf is with me right now and she's excited about tomorrow... *sigh*

But just one meetup meal should be alright yes? As long as I introduce her as a friend, not a girlfriend. Daughter WILL ask though... *sigh*


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Until inevitably your daughter mentions it to Mom. "I met Daddy's new friend - she seems nice." 

Is your STXW the kind to grill your daughter? If you are still finalizing your divorce, are you in an at-fault state or do you want it considered during your proceedings that you are an adulterer presenting your affair partners to the children?

That just seems really messy for your in the long run for the GF to be happy. If you think your thing with her is long term why the need to do this before your divorce is finished?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Until inevitably your daughter mentions it to Mom. "I met Daddy's new friend - she seems nice."
> 
> Is your STXW the kind to grill your daughter? *If you are still finalizing your divorce, are you in an at-fault state or do you want it considered during your proceedings that you are an adulterer presenting your affair partners to the children?*
> 
> *That just seems really messy for your in the long run for the GF to be happy. If you think your thing with her is long term why the need to do this before your divorce is finished*?


:iagree:

This, this, this & this x1000!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> 
> Looks like I should have asked this question sooner, as my gf is with me right now and she's excited about tomorrow... *sigh*
> 
> But just one meetup meal should be alright yes? As long as I introduce her as a friend, not a girlfriend. Daughter WILL ask though... *sigh*


I think your STB-ex will know that your "friend" is not just a "friend" when your daughter mentions it to her. How sure are you that your STB-ex won't go psycho?

I still think you should wait until after the divorce to do any introductions. Is there anything holding up the divorce? If not, try to get it finalized ASAP.

ETA: Kids are a lot more intuitive & smarter than we give them credit for. Do you really think your daughter will believe the "she is just a friend" line? Don't insult her intelligence either.

Your daughter's life & emotional stability trumps your GF's excitement over meeting her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Youre right, ive decided to postpone, if my gf cant understand this then whatever


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Youre right, ive decided to postpone, if my gf cant understand this then whatever


Yeah, this is one of those situations where she either has to accept it or move on. When one dates a person with children, you have to have a certain level of patience & maturity.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, and I'm sure she will understand, if not then we're simply not compatible in this department.

Thanks guys for the advice, I would have steered off the cliff otherwise.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does your ex know you're in this relationship? 

C


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Not that I know of, neither does my daughter.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Until inevitably your daughter mentions it to Mom. "I met Daddy's new friend - she seems nice."
> 
> Is your STXW the kind to grill your daughter? If you are still finalizing your divorce, are you in an at-fault state or do you want it considered during your proceedings that you are an adulterer presenting your affair partners to the children?
> 
> That just seems really messy for your in the long run for the GF to be happy. If you think your thing with her is long term why the need to do this before your divorce is finished?


He is in Aussie, our system is different to yours. We don't have "at fault" here and post separation relationships have no impact on settlement. Actual even a during marriage affair does not impact settlement.
We have no alimony and the norm here is for shared custody.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> It was mentioned in another thread that an ill prepared meeting may result in repercussions, any other things to consider?


I know you have decided to wait...which is good. Here is why:
Your relationship is only a month old, now that you are more than FWBs. Wait for another 4-5 months. You will have a better idea of where it is going. When you do decide to introduce them, don't do a dinner or some event where they must interact. Do something fun, like bowling or a movie. Something which they can enjoy together but not feel pressured to interact. Keep it casual and simple. Make sure that whatever you choose appeals to her interests.

Does your daughter know you are dating? Start there. Just give her a heads up that you are dating...you don't need to be specific about who at this point, or that it is exclusive. Don't refer to her as your gf. i think the goal is to create a fun environment where your daughter can see your gf as a future friend. 

Waiting is good because if this doesn't work out, you don't want to show your daughter a revolving door of girl friends. She may really like your friend and may become attached (at this age, I think that is an issue...not so much later).




Holland said:


> He is in Aussie, our system is different to yours. We don't have "at fault" here and post separation relationships have no impact on settlement. Actual even a during marriage affair does not impact settlement.
> We have no alimony and the norm here is for shared custody.


Plus he has been out of the relationship for almost 2 years...

Basically, the goal is to model healthy friendships/relationships for our children.

Your daughter does not come first. YOU come first and because you are a caring/attentive parent, you will balance your daughter's needs with your own. Your GF should be respectful about your daughter's needs and should never ask you to choose. However, it is incumbent on you to set *appropriate boundaries* that prevent the GF* feeling forced to ask you to choose. Children can be manipulative little monsters (and the smarter they are, the more likely...) do not let yourself be manipulated by your guilt. Your daughter needs a dad that is in control and creates an atmosphere of solid nurturing. She is learning about relationships by watching you and seeing how respectful you are toward your SO and toward her.


* assuming your gf is reasonable, emotionally healthy etc.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Understood, and my GF has been fairly understanding of the change of plans, disappointed sure, but understanding. I have yet to talk about this with GF face to face however, as I was with my daughter - who remains clueless.

Nonetheless I have informed my ex of this development who has been surprisingly understanding. If our relations continue to be civil the divorce may be over without any dramas, not to mention hopefully my ex would be of some help getting the idea out of my daughter's head now that she is informed.

Also, GF and I never really had a heart to heart with serious developments as throughout our time together it's mostly been fun with no hassles. Now we'll be getting into the baggage. Also, for almost two years my daughter has lived with the current co-parenting arrangements and I'm unsure why she still hopes for "daddy coming home".

It may likely be due to the influence from the church which ex and daughter attends. Wild guess though. Regardless of this, it seems I have no choice but to face the music with my marital affairs this year.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

My advice....

Before you introduce ANYONE that is potentially a new/future "father or mother" figure to your child....you better make sure they are fit to do so.

In order to make sure, it's ALL ABOUT TIME.

OP said he's been FWB with her for a year and recently started being in a relationship? 

That's a NEW/FRESH relationship.

Give it AT LEAST 6 months to a year and see how relationship goes before you introduce this person to your daughter.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, and I'm sure she will understand, if not then we're simply not compatible in this department.
> 
> Thanks guys for the advice, I would have steered off the cliff otherwise.


Her getting upset with you doing a smart thing and waiting is a FIRST indicator of "sketchy person".

She should respect it, what you are doign is smart. 

Your relationship is FRESH.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

We had a heart to heart last night, she's alright thankfully.

I think we both just got carried away with the momentum since our vacation.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> We had a heart to heart last night, she's alright thankfully.
> 
> I think we both just got carried away with the momentum since our vacation.


That's ok...actually sweet. 

I think that daughters in particular hope that their daddies come home. It takes a very long time and some maturity before that goes away. That doesn't mean you have to put everything on hold, but it does mean that you have to take it slow. Good to hear that your stbx is going to be helpful...that makes a world of difference.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> We had a heart to heart last night, she's alright thankfully.
> 
> I think we both just got carried away with the momentum since our vacation.


Naw, that is sweet.

Why don't you, between now and when you do eventually introduce your gf and daughter, share your daughter with your gf through photos, kindy/school drawings/paintings etc. What's your daughter's favourite thing - this week, lol.

Then, when your gf does meet your little person, she'll be able to break the ice with something like "Your daddy tells me you love to paint, he said you're really good at it, can you show me how?"


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

It its inevitable then why cancel? If you're serious about your girlfriend then why not? You could meet a place your daughter enjoys and yes you can say she is a friend. Been here and done this. It was successful.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Fenix said:


> That's ok...actually sweet.
> 
> I think that daughters in particular hope that their daddies come home. It takes a very long time and some maturity before that goes away. That doesn't mean you have to put everything on hold, but it does mean that you have to take it slow. Good to hear that your stbx is going to be helpful...that makes a world of difference.


Lets keep our fingers crossed with STBX  She has been known to chuck fits at the last minute heh, which I'm hoping wont be the case. Currently my GF is satisfied that there is progress now - even though she has to wait to meet my daughter.



frusdil said:


> Naw, that is sweet.
> 
> Why don't you, between now and when you do eventually introduce your gf and daughter, share your daughter with your gf through photos, kindy/school drawings/paintings etc. What's your daughter's favourite thing - this week, lol.
> 
> Then, when your gf does meet your little person, she'll be able to break the ice with something like "Your daddy tells me you love to paint, he said you're really good at it, can you show me how?"


Well, that's what I've been doing all through last year, resulting in GF being frustrated that she can't meet her - yet lol



A_DelVeccio said:


> It its inevitable then why cancel? If you're serious about your girlfriend then why not? You could meet a place your daughter enjoys and yes you can say she is a friend. Been here and done this. It was successful.


Just postponing for now.


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