# Caught hubby cheating



## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Hubby works in the Middle East and the kids and I normally live with him. I got sick so I had to go back home to our country with our 3 young children, youngest is only 7 months. We've been here for 1 month now and he rarely emailed us. Maybe just 3 times. Not even video chat or anything. He said that he would badly miss us and he would video chat everyday. I've been emailing him and getting no response. So I managed to get a hold off his other email account today and I found out that he's been chatting with 2 women there, flirting and he already slept with one. I can't stop crying and I'm hurting. I trusted him. This is the first time we've been apart for 9 yrs. I thought that he really loves me but he's actinglike he's single. I've been calling him but no answer. Should I really file for a divorce now? My kids are hurting esp. my 7 yr old. I don't know what to do now. Should I work on our marriage? I must admit that I've been controlling him and criticizing him all the tie and he kept complanning about that. He also thinks that I don't love him even though I show it to him. I'm just not the kind of person who says I love you all the time. I don't know what to do. Please help. Should I tell my parents no our situation or wait and see first?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I don't have experience with this issue, but I have friends and acquaintances who have. I think that you will get good answers from people in the CWI forum, so perhaps you should re-post over there.

However, my first reaction is to tell you to move back to the Middle East with your husband. Some men, when left alone, simply cannot control themselves. I've seen it time and time again.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Smooshie, I am so sorry you are here. I can relate, having been an expat and discovering my stbx was a serial cheater as well. Personally, I would file, but you have to do what you think best. If he is chatting up *several* other women, that doesn't sound like this is a one off thing. He is out being a player.

Life is hard when you have such young children. It can be especially hard as an expat in a country that you cannot work in. Many marriages break up abroad. There is a lot of 'temptation' around, as well as a lot of identity issues. It can be a toxic mix for so many people. That does not excuse his behavior though. Not at all.

My advice, since you have just discovered this, is to get in therapy. Try to get a handle on the situation. As you do that, get proof of the infidelity. It may matter in court in the long run, but it also will help with your decision.

I would suggest moving this to the Coping With Infidelity section too. Lots of good (and not so good) advice there.

*hugs*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Coping With Infidelity section, for sure! Just PM any Moderator who can do that for you!

Meantime, I'd visit with a local IC. And continue to weigh in here at TAM.

Hate to see you here, but you've come to a great place!*


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First, talk to him and figure out EXACTLY what you did wrong. Make a list and work on it. You will need to fix yourself and learn from this to prevent it from happening in the future.

Next, divorce...


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Okay I managed to get a hold of him. I talked to him on the phone and he told me that he's been unhappy with our marriage. He was blaming me about being cold to him all the time. I told him that it's vice versa that I've been feeling that he was too cold and uptight to me the whole time we're together. He wouldn't even let me listen to house music (I'm 12.5 yrs younger than him, he's 45). I saw his emails to these women and they he was proud telling them that he likes to party and listen to house musics. WTH? He told me that he only slept with someone once and it was a week ago. He said that he had already decided that our marriage was over when he did it. I'm so hurt. He's been going out of towns/country, partying, checking at the hotels while I take care of our 3 young children all by myself staying at my father's house. The only reason that I had to find out that the truth today about what he's been doing was we only have 16$ in our account left and he wasn't sending any money to us to us. He's now begging to work things out. I told him about coming home here ASAP and seeing a couple therapy. Deep inside I'm so hurt coz of the trust issue. I don' know if I can trust him again. Especially when I've read the emails (not all coz I couldn't handle it anymore), the way he was talking to these women were like they were just a piece of meat and very trashy. Not only that, he quit drinking long time ago and now he's been drinking again. I don't know if I'm doing the right things giving him another chance. I'm just thinking about our children and maybe I was really harsh to him during our time together. I am willing to change.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Is there any way that I can move this to Infidelity section?


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

I had a long talk with my husband on the phone and I don't really know that I am doing the right thing giving him another chance esp. he cheated on me. I can't ever trust him ever again. On top of that, I feel like getting even so he would feel how I've been feeling to prove to him that what he did is wrong and very disrespectful. Like I said, I'll be doing this for the children and I still love him. I'm kinda confused though that he was convincing me to work this out then he says that he's confused at the moment but he wants to work this out. Can anybody give me any opinions about this? Should I involve my parents about this? I only told my sis about this. Thanks


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

A revenge affair will solve nothing, it won't make him feel the way you do, so just put it out of your head.

Do not stay together solely for your kids, that's not doing them any favours. You need to want to stay for your own reasons.

Tell him to tell your parents, let him own his crap.

Realise the affair is about him, and his failings, not you. Yes, you have your share of the marital problems that you will need to work on, but the infidelity is all his.

You are going to cycle through emotions for quite a while, its not fun. Get an individual councellor. I wouldn't bother with MC right away. See your doctor. Get tested for STDs. Do not have sex with your husband until he gets tested and shows you the results. Have a consult with a lawyer or two, to at least get a feel for what that route (divorce) might hold.


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## lovelorn_wife (May 10, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear this. My husband hasn't actually slept with anyone but he has emotionally cheated on me and I think he's doing it again. Last time it was with a younger co-worker. He asked her if she would ever sleep with him and she said she didn't think of him that way. I have never gotten over it and he doesn't understand why. Now I saw a chat log where he told his online female friend that he loves her and that he will love her forever. I am so heartbroken. I can't imagine what you must be going through. If your husband has actually cheated on you and you are not around him he most likely will do it again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smooshie said:


> Is there any way that I can move this to Infidelity section?


Send a PM to one of the moderators and ask them to move this thread.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

smooshie,

Before you decide what to do, read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will tell you how to go forward.

It's reasonable to give him a chance and to try to recover your marriage. But this does not mean sweeping the affair under the rug. The book will tell you the things that both of you need to do. This is one chance ... that is what is reasonable.

Once you read the book you will understand a lot better what people here are talking about when they give you support.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Smooshie Ele is correct and there are a ton of people with more experience in this area there.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Thank you all for responding. I told my family about this and they're very supportive. All the yrs we've been together (9 yrs), I've never shared any marital problems with my family. I always kept it private. We always dealt our problems on our own. This is the first time I shared our problem with my family and I feel much better like this actually. I don't feel angry at all to my husband. I just feel very hurt. I was such a mess yesterday that I couldn't even really take care of our 3 children, or eat or drink. My family suggested to wok this out first before thinking of divorce. They did agree about my husband's excuse of ending this relationship because I've been very controlling to him. I admit 100% that I had been and I realized that I need to change. I'm trying not to think about the past now and trying on focusing on the present situation which means moving forward in a positive way even though I'm hurting very bad. I can't turn back the clock. Part of this is I'm blaming myself why this had happened. He said that when I flew back to our home country, he's been very unhappy that it was killing him inside so he started thinking about a divorce. The last time I talked to him about maybe 2 wks ago, I was mean to him again. I think this had made up his mind about really getting a divorce. He said that when he cheated, he already made up his mind about this. His plan was to tell me about getting a divorce. I read his emails to people and he was telling everybody that he was getting a divorce including his mom. So is this technically not cheating co he's already decided to move on without telling me yet?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, he's nothing more than a self-serving bastard! There's nothing worth saving there!

Do "the 180," get yourself down to a good "piranha" lawyer's office and literally take his a$$ to the cleaners for hefty child support, educational expenses, and at least some form of temporary alimony!

You've earned it, Girl!*


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's still cheating. He didn't tell you he wanted a divorce. He just started seeing someone else.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

arbitrator said:


> *IMHO, he's nothing more than a self-serving bastard! There's nothing worth saving there!
> 
> Do "the 180," get yourself down to a good "piranha" lawyer's office and literally take his a$$ to the cleaners for hefty child support, educational expenses, and at least some form of temporary alimony!
> 
> You've earned it, Girl!*


I will do this once he gets here and things didn't work out like he's not showing me that he's really sorry about what he has done to us/remorse then I will just walk away and ask for lots of money. I can't believe that he was spending all our money staying at hotels on weekends, going out of town/country acting like he was single while not sending any money to us. Unbelievable. He said that he was going to send money just been busy. Whatever!
I've been really thinking of seeing other guys so I can feel better about myself and get even. I told my sis about this and she said that it's my decision and she's very supportive. It'll also help me decide if this marriage is worth saving.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't do it. You then give him the ability to say "Well, you cheated too". Is that what you want?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

smooshie said:


> I will do this once he gets here and things didn't work out like he's not showing me that he's really sorry about what he has done to us/remorse then I will just walk away and ask for lots of money. I can't believe that he was spending all our money staying at hotels on weekends, going out of town/country acting like he was single while not sending any money to us. Unbelievable. He said that he was going to send money just been busy. Whatever!
> *I've been really thinking of seeing other guys so I can feel better about myself and get even.* I told my sis about this and she said that it's my decision and she's very supportive. It'll also help me decide if this marriage is worth saving.


*Don't do it yet, Smoosh! Social groups at Church or at Meet-Up.com are OK! But when going into a court room setting, you want to remain impeccable. If not, your sorry STBXH could go after child custody of his own under the mantra of, that while he was admittedly unfaithful, as the primary family wage-earner, he would be a far better financial provider for welfare of the kids. Don't ever allow him to play that self-serving card without being able to have your attorney use it hit a grand-slam out of the park with it for you! Just saying!

I'd also file and not even give him the pleasure of knowing that you've already done it! Pretty much the same way that he treated you!*


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Don't sink to his level. It won't be worth it. You won't even the score.

Aside from that, have some self respect. Are you really in any state to see anyone right now? You don't even know if you should try to save your marriage or not. Are your potential dates nothing more than walking ****s, there for you to use and throw away? What would that say about you? About them? Don't you already have more than enough on your plate?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

smooshie said:


> I've been really thinking of seeing other guys so I can feel better about myself and get even. I told my sis about this and she said that it's my decision and she's very supportive. It'll also help me decide if this marriage is worth saving.




Dont do this! Your playing field will completely change. The ball will be in his court and you will lose,...again... 

Your are hurting, and there is a saying around here that goes, "hurt people, hurt people." 

What you are feeling will change by the day, the hour, by the week, by the month. This is all just the beginning of a long road ahead yet to come, don't make it worst than it already is. 
So sorry you are here. 


-sammy


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

So are you all saying not to give him another chance and that I should file for a divorce now?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

No, we are all saying don't have a revenge affair, and don't rugsweep your husband's affair either. As to whether he should get a second chance, that depends if he earns it or not. Will he be remorseful? Will he take responsibility for his choices? Will he be open and accountable? Will he undertake to set good personal boundaries that respect your marriage? 

Starting divorce proceedings will send a message about how seriously you take infidelity. If he earns your trust, you can always stop the proceedings if you want, or you can even rebuild a relationship after divorce too.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

Ok my husband wii come and join me soon hopefully this wk or next wk. He just needs to sell our brand new car there in the Middle East. We're losing a lot of money coz of this but he'd been spending our savings anyways acting like he was single already ever since the kids and I flew back home. 
Once he gets here, should we talk about his cheating or not discuss it at all? I don't want us to fight anymore and to work things out. I will tell him to get tested though for sure.


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

I will also have some alone time for myself w/ no kids every wk like go out with girl friends, do sports, gym, etc which hadn't done ever since I got married in my 20's. I'm now 32. I want my husband to realize how difficult it is to take care of 3 children all on my own. Hopefully he'll start appreciating all the things I do for this family.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

smooshie said:


> Once he gets here, should we talk about his cheating or not discuss it at all? I don't want us to fight anymore and to work things out. I will tell him to get tested though for sure.



How can you reconcile/ heal your relationship if you don't talk about it?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Read this 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smooshie (Dec 29, 2011)

My husband sound like blaming me why things had happened. He emailed me this:

This is going to sound harsh, but I think there's just been so much bad energy in the past, waves and waves of it. Every contact with you always drags me down and makes me feel miserable. Gives me an intensely worrying feeling in the pit of my stomach. How do I know that will ever change? I think it's just the sheer amount of memory information encoded in my brain; i get into fight or flight mode every single time. It makes me wonder each time I open an email if it's going to be another attack against me. When I used to come home I always felt a sense of foreboding about putting the key into the lock; a draining sense that I wasn't safe, but that I just had to come home to you and take whatever ear bashing I was going to get. And it always came. That is not what life is about and I'm very, very wary. I didnt see it as being unfaithful, because you were unfaithful by constantly hating on me. How is that upholding your marriage vows? No one has the right to constantly talk down to me and treat me like **** every single f'ing day of my life. I love you but I worry about your emotional stability. I want to help if I can, but so far I havent been able to. It sounds like you've become very positive, but I just dont know if you ever really loved me. People that have to say it because they are unable to prove it in their interactions with you, tend to make me very suspicious. I dont want to be negative here, but I do want you to know I didnt feel you ever loved me and I'm not convinced you ever did. I'm really sorry to say that but it's my own personal daily experience.

I told him that if I didn't love him then why would I even bother giving him another chance? If I didn't love him then why was I very faithful all along. I had some temptations too but I stayed clear from that as I didn;t want to disrespect him n our children.
He sounds like I really deserved this and doesn't care that I'm very hurt.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know this is hard.

Let's first look at what he said. How much truth is there in it? Have you been negative, putting him down, etc? Or is he completely off base.

You do not need to defend yourself. This is just the process of getting to where you need to be.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It may very well be true that you contributed to problems in your marriage. It is fair for him to say how he feels in this regard, and you ought to do your best to listen to what he is saying and do your best to evaluate your own behaviour as objectively as you can. Acknowledge him if he has valid points, and figure out ways you will address your own problems, then tell him, and show him through consistent action.

That said, he was in NO WAY justified in engaging in infidelity. You deserve better than that. There were many options and opportunities available to him to attempt to address his concerns in a constructive manner, and I'd 5hose failed to improve your relationship, he should have had the basic decency to divorce you. Instead he chose the most destructive, cowardly and selfish option. That was HIS choice, I'm sure you had no input into that decision.

I think you should tell him that, and say that if he is unwilling to face up to his complete responsibility for the choices he made, well then there isn't a whole lot to work with to rebuild a healthy relationship.


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