# Need advice



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I left my husband. Together for 13yrs. It's been really rough and rocky the past few years. I've thought about divorce often. I left him a year ago but took him back 6 months later. He has addictive behaviors, depression and anger issues. I'm not perfect. I've played my share of the damage. But I started feeling depressed too.. He was miserable all the time and it was causing me to become miserable too. I had no energy or desire to go anywhere or do anything because nothing was fun anymore.. We no longer lived like husband and wife. Didn't wear our rings. Didn't sleep in bed together. Fought all the time. Couldn't agree on anything. I know that I need to be separated from him so that I can repair myself and find myself again. He thinks that means I want to find someone new. The advice I need is how do I handle this? He's calling me all the time.. He's depressed, not eating, not sleeping.. Talking about quitting his job. He thinks of me as his only friend. I don't want to give him flase hope.. Yet I don't want to abandon him while he's so low. I know that I'm not the right person to help him get over me. How do I handle this situation. I'm afraid cutting him off completely will cause him to be more depressed and I feel horrible for hurting him.. But I know it's for the best; that we bring out the worse in each other. That all the fighting is dragging us both down. I truly believe that I'm not right for him. Help please!!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is trying to control you through emotional blackmail. He wants to guilt you and place his issues on your shoulders. Remember, he was this way before so he will say anything to drag someone else along his misery.

Here is a fact, if you stay with him, there would be two dysfunctional people, but separating from him, getting away from his sphere of influence, you have a chance of at least being mentally healthy.

Really, what would happen if he returns is the same old issue and pattern playing out again. His dysfunction will affect your family and you want a better environment for you and your children. It is not your job to make him understand, he is too focused on himself to understand.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Mr Fisty!!! So glad you are still on this site! How are you? Well, I hope! 

The thing about it is, last time we split up, I was a mess… I was crying, sad, lonely and scared. I was fearful of my decision and was second guessing myself. This time, I am ok. I haven’t cried yet. I don’t really feel sad. I know I’ll be ok. I know that I am doing what needs to be done for me and my girls. I know that no matter what happens, I rather be alone for the rest of my life then to spend another week, another month, another year being in the miserable marriage that I was in. I found my strength.. which wasn’t easy, to hold my ground and convince him to move again. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. No more pressure and misery floating in the air in my home. Then he started calling me the past few days going on and on. Complaining about money and not being able to afford living separate. Trying to convince me to change my mind, then accusing me of having another man when I hold my ground. To being miserable, hurt and depressed and acting helpless and clinging for life. The stress that he put on my shoulders caused me to miss a few hours of work today due to the intense stress combined with allergy migraine that I woke up with this morning. He knows that I’m ok and that kills him. Its so much easier to try to pretend that I’m not ok then to deal with the guilt of being ok. My vulnerability is that I do not like being the cause of peoples pain. I don’t like hurting people.. yet I must admit it makes me think a little less of him that he won’t stand up and fight for his own happiness. I do not approve of him succumbing to the sadness and misery that he is feeling. It’s just a frustrating situation all around.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

firefairy said:


> Mr Fisty!!! So glad you are still on this site! How are you? Well, I hope!
> 
> The thing about it is, last time we split up, I was a mess… I was crying, sad, lonely and scared. I was fearful of my decision and was second guessing myself. This time, I am ok. I haven’t cried yet. I don’t really feel sad. I know I’ll be ok. I know that I am doing what needs to be done for me and my girls. I know that no matter what happens, I rather be alone for the rest of my life then to spend another week, another month, another year being in the miserable marriage that I was in. I found my strength.. which wasn’t easy, to hold my ground and convince him to move again. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. No more pressure and misery floating in the air in my home. Then he started calling me the past few days going on and on. Complaining about money and not being able to afford living separate. Trying to convince me to change my mind, then accusing me of having another man when I hold my ground. To being miserable, hurt and depressed and acting helpless and clinging for life. The stress that he put on my shoulders caused me to miss a few hours of work today due to the intense stress combined with allergy migraine that I woke up with this morning. He knows that I’m ok and that kills him. Its so much easier to try to pretend that I’m not ok then to deal with the guilt of being ok. My vulnerability is that I do not like being the cause of peoples pain. I don’t like hurting people.. yet I must admit it makes me think a little less of him that he won’t stand up and fight for his own happiness. I do not approve of him succumbing to the sadness and misery that he is feeling. It’s just a frustrating situation all around.



I can see that. Being connected to him is emotionally draining. The goal is to ignore and live your life. The more you acknowledge his feelings, the more he will learn that if he continues this type of behavior, he will get a response.

And you are not responsible for his misery. If he did not create the environment like he did, would your relationship be in this situation. No, his dysfunction is the root of this particular circumstance.

If someone became a drug addict, and their family left because they could not deal with the issues that arise, should the family be responsible for that environment? Is the family responsible for leaving the drug addict, or is it because the behavior caused by the drugs and the inability to seek help the reason why the family left. Cause and effect. His addiction and depression is the cause of his situation. Your reaction is one of protecting you and your family from his dysfunction. So do not take blame for something you have no control over.

P.S. I am doing well. I am closing on a deal on my first home. It is so spacious at 2800 square feet, and I am the only one living there. Well, I am taking care of my little brother as well, and he is going to stay with me to finish his college education.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

tough love needed here. neither of you will be helped if you act against your true feelings and pretend with him. that will just be a bigger letdown in the future when you absolutely can't take it anymore. hopefully he can get support from friends or family or professionally.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

So besides recently separating, I have decided to quit smoking too. I’m not sure if my timing was the greatest… but it’s actually not going to bad. I’m not as tense or irritable I was the last time I quit for almost year. My biggest issue is not sleeping well and nightmares. Last night I actually slept the whole night.. minus waking up every hour.. but it’s better than tossing and turning until 3am so I’ll take it!! The only problem.. I woke up feeling more lost and sad this morning. 

I am standing my ground. He keeps calling and texting and promising me that he will change this time.. begging for another chance. He has weakened me a pinch.. but yesterday when he came over after I got home from work and tried to kiss me I had to tell him that we need more boundaries. That we cannot live like we are still together while we are separated and that we can NOT confuse the kids like his. 

“Being connected to him is emotionally draining. The goal is to ignore and live your life. The more you acknowledge his feelings, the more he will learn that if he continues this type of behavior, he will get a response.” – So true Mr. Fisty and I can see that clearly now. The less I talked to him the better I felt.. the more I let him in, the more drained and confused I feel!!


“P.S. I am doing well. I am closing on a deal on my first home. It is so spacious at 2800 square feet, and I am the only one living there. Well, I am taking care of my little brother as well, and he is going to stay with me to finish his college education.” - CONGRATULATIONS Mr. Fisty! That is fabulous!! I am very happy for you! When do you move in? That’s great that your brother will be staying with you. That is very kind of you to help him out.. I’m sure he appreciates that more than you know!!

Problem of the day… How do you make friends in your mid-thirties?? I feel like I have no friends. No one to hang out with.. to talk to take my mind off of my daily stress. After spending 13 years with my soon to be ex.. I kind of gave up my friends.. they moved away.. or they are at completely different points of their lives. It’s too easy to smile when my stbx texts or calls because he is the only one texting or calling.. I need a few friends!!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thank you Maneo - I think you are right about the tough love.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

firefairy said:


> So besides recently separating, I have decided to quit smoking too. I’m not sure if my timing was the greatest… but it’s actually not going to bad. I’m not as tense or irritable I was the last time I quit for almost year. My biggest issue is not sleeping well and nightmares. Last night I actually slept the whole night.. minus waking up every hour.. but it’s better than tossing and turning until 3am so I’ll take it!! The only problem.. I woke up feeling more lost and sad this morning.
> 
> I am standing my ground. He keeps calling and texting and promising me that he will change this time.. begging for another chance. He has weakened me a pinch.. but yesterday when he came over after I got home from work and tried to kiss me I had to tell him that we need more boundaries. That we cannot live like we are still together while we are separated and that we can NOT confuse the kids like his.
> 
> ...


You are grieving, all normal responses so don't fret or hide them with drugs/alcohol. I agree you need new friends and social support as you grieve the end of your marriage.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I am in my fifties and going thru a divorce now. What had been sort of amiable ceased being yesterday, as he was served with papers for a legal separation. I want to be able to buy a small condo, and can't do it while married, as I am in a community property state. He is very angry...hoping he will cool down soon.

Anyway...I too had "dropped" my friends due to my marriage, as my husband had become increasingly depressed and unsociable. His job stresses him out beyond belief but he has to put in another year or two for his retirement. I moved out at the end of last year and contacted two friends I had neglected. Both understood and have been of immense help to me these past several months. One or the other or both come see me every week in my new apartment (partly because they both fell in love with my new little dog, lol.) it turns out they understood all along that I was kind of "trapped" and not just intentionally cutting them off. 

Also, as much as I dread making new friends, I did join a senior center (not for you, obviously, but maybe some other type of club, book club etc...) and at least socialize on some level when I go for a meal. That way, I am easing back into how to talk to other people. I had really been isolated as I am also disabled by chronic pain, which can send people running. 

The hardest part will likely be learning to live and cope without considering him at every turn. I really lost myself while trying to keep the peace to some degree, over the last 5-7 years or so. No one could come to our home, so my sisters never came to town. No friends came by after work, etc...just take it day by day, but do reach out if there is a friend or two (locally, ideally) who you wish things had been different with, chances are they will understand and be welcoming.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Jane139 said:


> I am in my fifties and going thru a divorce now. What had been sort of amiable ceased being yesterday, as he was served with papers for a legal separation. I want to be able to buy a small condo, and can't do it while married, as I am in a community property state. He is very angry...hoping he will cool down soon.
> 
> Anyway...I too had "dropped" my friends due to my marriage, as my husband had become increasingly depressed and unsociable. His job stresses him out beyond belief but he has to put in another year or two for his retirement. I moved out at the end of last year and contacted two friends I had neglected. Both understood and have been of immense help to me these past several months. One or the other or both come see me every week in my new apartment (partly because they both fell in love with my new little dog, lol.) it turns out they understood all along that I was kind of "trapped" and not just intentionally cutting them off.
> 
> ...


I wonder if his depression is about to lift...DUDE


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

It hasn't so far...but I hope so.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Google Divorce Care in your city/area. This is supposed to be a pretty decent support group. Even people who have plenty of friends sometimes benefit from unbiased and sympathetic support. 

Also, look into meetup.com ....it's not a dating site. They have sub groups of people who are seeking common interests. You could find a hiking group, a bowling group, a dining out group, even single parent groups that go on outtings with the kids. 

In the meantime, see an attorney. Get your ducks in a row. Get some knowledge about the divorce/separation process. 

Tell your h that you cannot be his support system. Tell him that you are ok with your decision and will find your own support and that he should do the same. Tell him that he is making it harder on both of you and that you want at least two weeks of no contact at all. When he balks, tell him that you need some peace and breathing space and you can't do it while you are worrying about what he is worrying about. 

It sounds like you are doing well, staying strong and figuring out what YOU need. Now you have to work on not getting sucked back in. 

You can do this!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Thanks, my move in date is August 28. Is it weird that the owner likes me a lot that he is giving me his furniture and entertainment system?

Anyways, simply ask out coworkers, invite your child's friends over and ask their parents to join, find hobbies you like and bond with others who enjoy something you are interested in.

Small groups usually breeds intimate connection.

Btw, the more you contact him, the more you are reinforcing that bond. It releases bonding hormones and you become conflicted. On one side, you care about him and there is a drive to be with him, and there is your logical side that knows that you are in a cycle that needs to end.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Today’s feeling is: How dumb do you think I am??

Yesterday he sent me the sweetest text messages.. telling me how much he wants to change and be a better person. He described in detail how much he wants to do all these things with his life.. including my hopes and dreams of course.. you know, the things I’ve been telling him for years that I want to do and he kept shutting down and saying now’s not the time or we don’t have the money. I know not to believe words. I know that words mean nothing anymore. That anyone can talk the talk and tell me everything I want to hear. Well that’s what he did. He fitted the mold and told me, a simple girl that really doesn’t ask for much, everything I wanted to hear!! He may have tugged at my heart strings a bit and gave me slight hope that there was a possibility that he could change. (He is starting counseling tonight… again, with the goal of winning me back, not necessarily with the goal of helping himself heal and grow stronger)

Then this morning when I was getting ready for work my phone rang. It was him. Complaining that he was at work and not feeling well at all! That he was up all night in the bathroom. My questions were: did you eat anything that could’ve made you sick? Did you take anything that could’ve made you sick? His response was no and no. No he hasn’t eaten in days. He has no organization at the apartment because he hasn’t put anything away. He has no schedule or balance because he is making no effort. He asked me to write him a bill schedule because he I always managed the bills and he doesn’t want to put forth the effort. He said he is sick because he needs to come home. 

Ok. I thought I made myself clear.. but maybe I didn’t make myself clear enough. I will NOT ever go back to living in the miserable marriage that I was in the past few years. And although I care about him as a person and pray that he heals and becomes the person I know he is capable of being… I will not live with the depressed, stress, addicted man that he became!! I need to set some healthy boundaries for myself.. like yesterday. I don’t know where to start or how to write them out as “rules”. Like no calling every day. No texting every day. No more words, actions only. Ahh. Feeling frustrated today. I feel like I won’t be free to live my life and move on to a happier place until he finds his own inner strength.

Today.. I needed to vent that out!! I am trying to be strong. Trying not to complain to my family and friends because I feel like I have complained to them too many times over the past few years and I’m afraid they are all tired of hearing about it.. I know I would be. 

On a happy note.. I am still doing ok. Exercising daily. Not smoking! Getting through the housework and taking care of my kids on my own! I am a survivor!!!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Jane - Thank you so much!! It was great reading your post. It always makes me feel a little more normal when there is someone out there that understands what it is like living with a man that has fallen into stress and depression. It is very sad to see someone you love suffer so greatly but at the same time it is very hard to live as partner in the relationship. 

Thank you for the tips on finding friends and catching up with old friends. I will have to put myself out there a bit. 

I am glad you are doing well and hope you continue to do well!!!  

Dude - I understand that he is grieving. Me, I think I grieved the death of my marriage the last for years of living with him. I think I am finally feeling at peace with myself and my life. Is that horrible to say??

Sunny T - I had thought about looking on FB for support networks to try to find friends going through similar situations.. I'm just a bit reluctant to put myself out there like that. I will try meetup.com! Thanks. That sounds like a great starting boundary - two weeks no contact!! That would give me time to feel my own feelings without his feeling messing me up and confusing me. 

Mr Fisty - That's awesome! Maybe a little weird. Perhaps he will leave his name and number too!?! HA! 
Your advice is my problem. I live in a small town that I didn't grow up in. Everyone here has there own clicks. It's hard to break into the group and become a member.. especially being me.. a shy/introvert! 
"On one side, you care about him and there is a drive to be with him, and there is your logical side that knows that you are in a cycle that needs to end." - Read me like a book with that comment.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

When you do see a message from him, he is trying to alter your feelings. Things like I need you triggers you to want to help him. That he cannot do this without you, when in fact that he could not improve himself when he was with you. Just think manipulation when he messages you. Remind yourself that you are not responsible for his feelings and issues. He was this way when he was with you and he is this way without you, what part did you have in that equation that altered it in any way.

Congrats on not smoking! Kick a$$ in your own life.

The goal is to move on without him. If he changes enough to where you are secure, then perhaps you can re-engage at an emotional distance. Other than that, keep detaching and living. It is his actions that has decoupled you from him, so do not feel guilty.


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