# What should I do?



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife argues with our teenager daughter (16 year old). Usually about my daughter wanting to do something. They go back and forth and my wife gives up and says, "Talk to your father about it!"

When I get home from work my daughter asks me the question and I give my answer. Then my wife is mad at me because I gave the 'wrong answer'.

This is a constant problem in our marriage as my wife and I are always fighting over the kids.

What should I do?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Don't answer until you talk to your wife and arrive at a response together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You are correct Clip. That is what normal people would do.

An example would be ..... She tells me our 16 year old daughter wants to go to the gym to work out with a friend for an hour. I see no reason why she can't go to the gym. She doesn't have a good reason why she won't let her. We end up in a fight about it and can't agree on what to allow.

In a normal relationship, a parent should be able to make a decision without having to talk it out together. I can't have her call me all the time while I am at work to make these decisions.

We had this agreement where we are supposed to support each others decisions regarding the kids. If she tells them no, then I support her. If I tell them yes, she doesn't support me. She tells me I am an idiot for allowing them to go somewhere. 

She is always saying no. I am always saying yes. She feels like she is always the bad guy.

I don't know how to get out of this fight.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Don't answer until you talk to your wife and arrive at a response together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


STICKY please someone. Someone please recognise this is the only way parents can be seen to be parenting together. Even if one barely knows the other's answer, they should have some faith that it might be reasonable so go with it. Purleese....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What if you don't agree with your spouse? What if they are being unreasonable?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> What if you don't agree with your spouse? What if they are being unreasonable?


Well that belief shouldn't become apparent, or aired, in front of the children (particularly the child to whom it refers).


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

We didn't have this issue when they were children. 

I am talking about a 16 year old. She drives a car. She isn't stupid. She knows her mother and she knows me.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

The way I do it is this. If I feel strongly that the answer is no, I will tell the child no. If I am ambivalent, he can decide. If I think the answer is yes, our kids still need to go to him because he may have other ideas or something planned. Basically, no is no. If I have no objection whatever he says goes.

She isn't being honest with you or your daughter. But I think the meta message is that she feels unsupported in dealing with your daughter. If she says no, let that be the answer. Otherwise you can yeah or nay as you see fit. My h does the same thing when it is him who is approached first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> STICKY please someone. Someone please recognise this is the only way parents can be seen to be parenting together. Even if one barely knows the other's answer, they should have some faith that it might be reasonable so go with it. Purleese....


See I think this is completely wrong. If she wants to abdicate, she has to live with what she describes. OR she can handle it herself. Cake. Eat too. Or something.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, there's one benefit for being a single parent. lol Seriously, though, there shouldn't be a big need to argue over such things. It sounds as though your wife is having a hard time allowing your daughter to grow up. 

Since your daughter is 16 and driving she needs to learn to make some decisions on her own. When my daughters reached that milestone last year I went another direction. I simply told them the ground rules and what time to be home. I essentially stopped micro-managing their day. If something should come up during the day that will deviate from the boundaries, then they call me and we discuss it. It has eliminated most of the strife in our household.

The hard part for you is going to be getting your wife to agree to something like that. Perhaps counseling may be the direction to go. It's a whole lot easier when each and every one of the teenagers' activities do not have to be discussed and debated.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with you Aug. That is precisely what I want to do. She wants to control them. She doesn't trust. Thinks they are doing something other than what they say. 

Funny thing is, I met my wife when she was 18. She had moved away from home to go to college. Couldn't wait to get out of the house. Her dad wouldn't let her do anything. Made her feel like a trAmp. The other night my daughter was crying in my arms, telling me the same things about her mother makes her feel. Not so funny! How do I protect my daughter?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think you are looking at this wrong. This isn't about your daughter. She will grow up and leave. This is about you and your wife. Keep your eye on the ball.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree. My kids say,"you and mom will get along much better once we move out!". Isn't that sad.

My wife will flip between really controlling and really lenient. A bit ago she told my daughter to see if she could take the car. I talked to my daughter and found out her plan was to pick up a friend and drive around looking for a job. I told her no. That if she really wants a job, she needs to look by herself. I figured there would be a bunch of driving around and not much looking for a job. My wife sent me a text accusing me of being too hard on her because she was grumpy the day before. I have in the past tried to guess what my wife's answer would be and say no even though I would have said yes. This doesn't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Does your wife also "control" you? If so, things may not be better when the kids leave home. Will she not even discuss working out a boundaries plan? Really convince her it will be so much better for her--and less stress for everyone. I love it now. My daughters are so much more responsible. I have actually gained more trust in them; they are much more open about everything.

Hope you find a workable solution!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife will happily admit that she never intends to cut the apron strings. NEVER. If the kids could come home and stay home forever and never get jobs or wives or kids or anything she would dancing on a gigantic pile of their laundry she would happily do 24/7 while she cooks and cleans for them and drives them wherever they want to go as long as it's not 'out' to do anything or see anyone or escape her unblinking eye. She lectures our 26 year old about safe driving and whether to drive at night. She recently, maybe last year, stopped driving to his house (my house) 80 miles away to cook and clean and shop for him weekly. The second lives at home and has no inclination to ever leave. The baby in college is that only one I think there's hope for. He'll probably move as far away as he can as soon as he can. If she still wants to fly across the country every week to wipe his nose and his bottom when he's 30, it will have to be on her dime. Hell or high water I'm out when he graduates.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I were you, I'd be dragging my wife to a counselor to get this fixed. If you have to, set one up for the daughter and tell the wife that the counselor wants to see all 3 of you. Work it out there.

And you're right, you need to step back and start letting your daughter have more freedom. We actually had to go to counseling with our daughter, for my husband to hear from the counselor that he needs to let go. He wouldn't let her go to the mall when she was 17 without him! It took the words of a professional to get him to understand. Obviously he wasn't about to trust MY opinion, lol.


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## alicew332 (Jul 20, 2011)

SadSamIAm, if you are who I think you are from usenet past, it seems to be you have been under your wife's boots for years. Changing the dynamic so that you can set personal boundaries is going to be HARD. Turnera's advice is good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you've been having trouble standing up to her for a long time, it will help you to start small. Pick one small thing that you give in on all the time. Tell yourself that you will not accept it any more. Determine ahead of time what you'll do if it happens - role play, kind of, to see yourself saying no.

When it happens, use your rehearsed comment, and go do what you determined to do! It will be scary, but usually the true outcome isn't as bad as your imagined one.

For instance, if she says D16 has to go to bed at 9:30, and you think she should go to bed at 10, and she tells D16 to go to bed, calmly say "I think that, since she's older now, she should go to bed at 10." Stand your ground. Tell D16 to go to her room, but she doesn't have to go to bed yet. That removes D16 from the room, so you and your wife can hash it out. Do NOT give in! Remind her that you are one half of the parenting team and your decision is just as valid as hers. Do NOT show weakness. Be a man. Let her know you've decided, and that's that. It really does work.

But start small. Change one thing at a time.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks for your comments everyone!

My wife told me this morning that she can't stay with me any longer. She says I never support her and that we aren't a team. She says she has to decide what she is going to do. I know she has been searching for jobs and for an apartment.

She told me that our daughter says that we should work as a team and we should make decisions together. I told her our daughter told me the same thing. She told me that I should have a say in what goes on. It shouldn't be just mom deciding.

My wife said that we should have talked and both decided that our daughter couldn't go work out the other day. I told her we could also have talked and both decided that she should be able to. She told me I was stupid for thinking she should have been allowed to go. Good team work hey!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry it has all come to this. The problem is much bigger than whether your daughter should go out. If it wasn't this particular issue, it would be something else. Your wife is the one with a problem and she just refuses to get help. I don't know what else you can do. I wouldn't give in though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you separate, maybe it will be good for your daughter. I'm sure she'll choose to live with you, and that may be a good thing.


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## alicew332 (Jul 20, 2011)

Team work means do things my way or the highway. Will she consider counseling with you? I don't remember. I know it has been suggested.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I guess I kind of left this thread hanging with my last post about my wife saying she is ready to leave.

I pretty much ignored her and let her be by herself for a day or so. Then I had a discussion with my children about pitting my wife and I against each other. That if their mother (or I) tell them NO, that there is no debate. That if they come running to me after mom says NO, they will be in big trouble. That their mother and I are going to try to work together to come up with the best decisions.

The next day, my wife told me that she was glad that I had a discussion with the kids. She admitted that she has work to do with trusting the kids. I said that we need to stick together. She has been in a good mood the last few days and we have gotten along very well. 

She hasn't talked about leaving. She bought a bunch new plants for the yard, so that tells me she must be staying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women need their men to be strong.


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