# Snooping....do you?



## howdoiknow9 (Mar 4, 2015)

What kind of things do you snoop on your partner for?

Do you snoop? 

How transparent are you with your boyfriend or girlfriend?


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I snoop on his texts once in a while but I do it right in front of him.


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## howdoiknow9 (Mar 4, 2015)

When texts come across your phone, do you allow your partner to read them?


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

howdoiknow9 said:


> When texts come across your phone, do you allow your partner to read them?


yes, I do.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I don't really snoop on my husband at all because there's nothing to snoop on. I use his phone all the time, I could log into his facebook, or email, or whatever else if I wanted because he uses the same email/password for everything.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

howdoiknow9 said:


> What kind of things do you snoop on your partner for?
> 
> Do you snoop?
> 
> How transparent are you with your boyfriend or girlfriend?


GREAT question, and it will probably get a hundred different answers.

The "snooping" label really is only used by someone who's hiding something. 

Otherwise, it's just being transparent, and IMHO that's an absolute necessity for a strong, trusting relationship.

Been there - done that on the "snooping" thing....


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I don't "snoop", but as others have already said, I also have complete access to all his stuff and he has complete access to mine. But I rarely look at his stuff.

We do use each other's phones all the time. I have no problem with him reading any texts that would pop up on my phone. I'm sure he would find them incredibly boring though


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have quit, but sometimes I really want to.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Through other threads, I can see a little clearer the dual questions.

Married is one thing - dating quite another.

If my wife thinks that I am "snooping", that's a problem. If my GF thinks I'm snooping - she has every right to think that.

Rules change when you take vows - even though today's society doesn't even acknowledge that.

If you're married and hiding things - shame on YOU.

If you're single and "they" are just establishing that they are controlling - shame on you again - for putting up with it!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I don't "snoop", but as others have already said, I also have complete access to all his stuff and he has complete access to mine. But I rarely look at his stuff.
> 
> We do use each other's phones all the time. I have no problem with him reading any texts that would pop up on my phone. I'm sure he would find them incredibly boring though


Good for you, happy.

Should be this way for all married couples!!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't snoop on hubby nor he on me, but we're always transparent with each other. Our computers are always laying around, open so either of us could look if we really wanted to. He doesn't have a mobile phone so he often takes mine if he goes somewhere and I'm home, so we can reach each other.

I have snooped in the past though with an ex. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and one day the opportunity presented itself and I took it. I went through his phone and found out that he was dating his ex as well as me.

I've never had that feeling with my wonderful hubby


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I don't snoop on hubby nor he on me, but we're always transparent with each other. Our computers are always laying around, open so either of us could look if we really wanted to. He doesn't have a mobile phone so he often takes mine if he goes somewhere and I'm home, so we can reach each other.
> 
> *I have snooped in the past though with an ex. I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong and one day the opportunity presented itself and I took it. I went through his phone and found out that he was dating his ex as well as me.*
> 
> I've never had that feeling with my wonderful hubby


Big difference, huh Frusdil?

Complete trust and complete MIStrust are a VERY far way apart. Kind of like on the number line. Fifty and "minus" fifty are 100 apart....


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Through other threads, I can see a little clearer the dual questions.
> 
> Married is one thing - dating quite another.
> 
> ...


Sorta of agree with you but with some clarity.

I have laid out that prior to marriage I expect all passwords and 100% transparency. At that point I will absolutely check the accounts so that once married I know the baseline and there will be no one who can claim "I thought is was gone" And it's been made clear that this will occur so no shock and awe but rather incentive to clean house. Waiting until day of marriage is too late IMO. Should occur before the marriage date so there's no grey areas.

I think there's a point, even when not married, that the level of transparency increases as a relationship evolves.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Sorta of agree with you but with some clarity.
> 
> I have laid out that prior to marriage I expect all passwords and 100% transparency. At that point I will absolutely check the accounts so that once married I know the baseline and there will be no one who can claim "I thought is was gone" And it's been made clear that this will occur so no shock and awe but rather incentive to clean house. Waiting until day of marriage is too late IMO. Should occur before the marriage date so there's no grey areas.
> 
> I think there's a point, even when not married, that the level of transparency increases as a relationship evolves.


It's more about the level of commitment than marital status - agreed, but after the vows, a person either is transparent, translucent or apaque.

Problems START with translucent, and get to be insurmountable with opaque.

One of the reasons I'm sitting alone at a computer posting on TAM at 11:00 PM.....


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Every time I come to TAM's Coping with Infidelity section I get the urge to mount a camera on my fiance's forehead, a VAR between her boobs, a GPS tracker on her bum and a slap in her face in case she's been hiding things without my knowledge.

Then I take a look at her and realize what an idiot I am to even think like that.

I read her texts from time to time. I also log into her facebook occasionally (it's always left logged on on our home computer) just to look at some of her hot friends and relatives. She knows!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't snoop and never been in a relationship that warranted it. It seems a bit paranoid.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I have but I don't recommend it. Nothing good can come of it. Sure, you could find the smoking gun, which may justify any suspicions you may have had about your partner but it still gut punches you, you still feel guilty (or you should if you have any standards for privacy) and it drives people to feel foolish for choosing this person as a partner. You don't feel bad for snooping but you do wind up feeling like your judgement in people is severely lacking. 

Believe it or not guilt drives snooping. You feel guilty about having suspicions about someone even if they are throwing red flags up all over the place. When you snoop part of you wants to be wrong so that you can blame yourself and work on your paranoia and your partner can remain the ideal which, in turn, justifies your judgement in choosing this person. It's one thing to commit the minor flaw of snooping when you contrast it to the fact that you have poor judgement in people's characters.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Ladies
My wife considers it snooping if I ask if she has enough money for the month, although she has spent £400($600) on online bingo. I leave everything open so that she can see everything I do, I have nothing to hide, however she considers it an invasion of privacy if I even ask her a question. Now ask yourself this question ladies, if you want a quiet weekend away from arguments so that you can watch the rugby, what better way of ensuring her silent routine for forty-eight hours than quickly visiting a porn site, not forty-eight of peace but seventy-two hours. Beware of men preying on your insecurity.

Yours Sincerely

Jacko Jack


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Ladies,
Just conducted an experiment went downstairs from the study to fix myself lunch. Looked at the wife's computer screen "1 yard DIY leggings", response "What are you snooping for". Point proved, I think. You perhaps might say, what if she is looking at this site, I would be over the moon if she did/was, she might get a few answers to her "problems".

Yours sincerely

Jacko Jack


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I only snoop if I have a compelling reason to.

I don't think snooping for snooping sake is a good idea. I certain amount of privacy I think is a good thing.

I had a cheating ex. I had reason to suspect lying and cheating for a couple of months. Things weren't 'right' for a while. My gut told me something was up, but I didn't want to think bad things. She was up late at night on the phone almost every night. I found some pictures by accident she was exchanging by phone with a guy. So I went into full snoop mode and caught her, three times over about a year or so.

See, the thing is, with a lying or cheating wife or gf. they are not going to tell you the truth. You have to find out by snooping to know the truth. And the truth will set you free.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

BTW, if your snooping in front of your SO or they are aware, it isn't snooping.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

And I am currently married for two years, and have never snooped on my current wife, because there is no reason to.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I go through my wife's undies sometimes.


What--like you never do? DON'T JUDGE ME!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

if you're married, it aint snooping any more than looking through a magazine that has their name on the label.

the confusion is between privacy and secrecy. privacy is closing the bathroom door. no such thing as secrecy in marriage. all accounts, passwords and devices should be freely available to both. secrecy ends when the relationship becomes committed.

questions? call Hellen Waite...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

"-- if you have any standards for privacy" Erudite
"I go through my wife's undies sometimes." Fozzy

That was the point I was going to bring up. I do the laundry in our relationship. Phone snooping is kind of fiddly after washing her smalls. As to the pre-marital phone check, I've been married to long to have any experience there. I check phone / computer when ever I want to. If I didn't clean out her email quarterly it would never get opened. I encourage her to snoop on me. Probably because any attention would be better than no attention.
MN


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I don't snoop because my wife's stuff is completely open to me. (and vice versa). 

If she ever was secretive in ANY WAY.....I'd snoop.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Erudite said:


> I have but I don't recommend it. Nothing good can come of it. Sure, you could find the smoking gun, which may justify any suspicions you may have had about your partner but it still gut punches you, you still feel guilty (or you should if you have any standards for privacy) and it drives people to feel foolish for choosing this person as a partner. You don't feel bad for snooping but you do wind up feeling like your judgement in people is severely lacking.


 I totally disagree! Nothing good can come of it? In this day and age of rampant STDs (some fatal)!?! Protecting your own health is paramount! Of course you'll feel gut-punched...you've been LIED to, used and cheated on. It's NORMAL to feel that way. Yes, people feel foolish and question their judgment in people, but that is the first step in understanding what happened, learning the lesson, and moving forward in a healthier way. That's like saying, 'Don't find out you've got lung cancer from smoking. Better to live with the cancer than have to feel regret for your (admittedly) stupid choices.' Really?!? Would it be better to ignore the cancer, or TREAT it? Ditto for a cheating partner!



> Believe it or not guilt drives snooping. You feel guilty about having suspicions about someone even if they are throwing red flags up all over the place. When you snoop part of you wants to be wrong so that you can blame yourself and work on your paranoia and your partner can remain the ideal which, in turn, justifies your judgement in choosing this person. It's one thing to commit the minor flaw of snooping when you contrast it to the fact that you have poor judgement in people's characters.


 People may or may not feel guilty about having suspicions. Depends on whether they've been gaslighted, been dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, whether they were exceedingly young/inexperienced when they entered the relationship, etc.; lots of variables here.

Back to the original inquiry, I've never snooped. If I have ANY inklings/doubts about the honesty of a partner, then we're DONE. I can't/won't/refuse to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me or hides things. At that point, it's NOT a relationship; it's 2 people sharing living quarters. I can do *that* with a roommate with less drama, less cost, less mess.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I totally disagree! Nothing good can come of it? In this day and age of rampant STDs (some fatal)!?! Protecting your own health is paramount! Of course you'll feel gut-punched...you've been LIED to, used and cheated on. It's NORMAL to feel that way. Yes, people feel foolish and question their judgment in people, but that is the first step in understanding what happened, learning the lesson, and moving forward in a healthier way. That's like saying, 'Don't find out you've got lung cancer from smoking. Better to live with the cancer than have to feel regret for your (admittedly) stupid choices.' Really?!? Would it be better to ignore the cancer, or TREAT it? Ditto for a cheating partner!
> 
> People may or may not feel guilty about having suspicions. Depends on whether they've been gaslighted, been dealing with someone who has a personality disorder, whether they were exceedingly young/inexperienced when they entered the relationship, etc.; lots of variables here.
> 
> Back to the original inquiry, I've never snooped. If I have ANY inklings/doubts about the honesty of a partner, then we're DONE. I can't/won't/refuse to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me or hides things. At that point, it's NOT a relationship; it's 2 people sharing living quarters. I can do *that* with a roommate with less drama, less cost, less mess.


I understand what you are saying, truly, I do. I just feel like when it gets that bad it's all going to come out in the wash eventually. MAYBE you find something out quick enough to prevent more of the same but often it's too late anyway. Snooping really just teaches liars to become better liars, abuses just become more covert, excuses still come despite proof..

You have the right boundary in place. Leave before it gets to snooping! But some people are so afraid to trust their intuition. After the fact if "proof" is found it is easy to justify why someone would want to snoop in the first place. But most people, if they are sane, have a conscience and know that snooping is a violation of trust.

If someone has violated your trust enough to make you want to snoop then you don't even need to. Get out. Run.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Never had a reason to snoop; we have always had a transparent marriage; however, if I should ever have a gut feeling about something, I would snoop in a heartbeat! I hope I never have to though.....


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I'll snoop on her texts to see what kind of mood she's in - this way, I can tell if she's pissed about something. Also found out via this method that she gave $ to a relative (over $1K) without telling me - told her friend via text that she would tell me when it's paid back - not paid back yet. 

Nothing along the lines of cheating, more like checking moods and seeing if she's giving more money away


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I use to snoop using Facebook.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Don't snoop, and don't allow snooping.

I have all my electronics password protected. I am very private and some things are for my eyes only. 

If he feels the need to look, he can ask and I'll open things up any time he wants, but casual browsing behind my back, no.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Completely open. My Wife can look though it all at anytime. I have nothing to hide. She is the same way with me. If she wasn't we wouldn't be married. 

Clay


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Snooping...that's one thing I don't have to worry about. When your wife is as dumb as the broad side of a barn and doesn't know how to get on the internet, doesn't have a cell phone nor know how to use one and can barely drive that kinda limits your ability to snoop.


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## Bam85 (Feb 13, 2015)

Sort of. Well, yes.

He started it when we first moved in and he went through my old photos. No big deal, I have nothing to hide but I had to deal with cranky pouting for a week until he fessed up.

That triggered me to snoop, though. He has a really ****ty attitude about me asking to see his accounts or phone. I don't wanna argue about it so I used some of my account/computer hacking expertise to break into his stuff. He's never done anything that was a deal breaker for me...honestly, nor do I have the nagging feeling that he's cheating. However, I do see why he wanted his privacy. He was flirting with a coworker from his old job and I read stupid messages to another guy where he was talking about her. He's just an idiot, some times. He lies about stupid things that I wouldn't really be mad about if he was upfront. Just the fact that he hides things triggers me to snoop.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I don't snoop per se....

When she isn't working on a particular project at the office -I have her email forwarded to me. Otherwise....she doesn't check it. 

I keep track of her bank balance....to make sure there is money in it. 

I do have a habit of logging into her amazon account starting in about November to start getting an idea of what she's looking at...helps in the gift giving arena. I know her very well -but fashions change as well as clothing taste -If I didn't look -I would screw that up spectacularly.....she has pretty much caught onto this though -so I'm looking into other avenues for information gathering.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Don't snoop. Don't date snoopers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

No but I would if felt the need. I would first use intuition and probe with the right questions. If not what I wanted then would go to the next step. Hopefully never at that point in any relationship I would have to.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I don't snoop, ever. I don't hide much - but I do hide my interaction with this discussion group.

Funny story. I noticed that sometimes the passenger seat in my wife's car was pushed way back when she got home from work. A tiny part of my brain wanted to know what tall person was sitting there. Then I realized it was on days when she got the car washed......


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Bam85 said:


> Sort of. Well, yes.
> 
> He started it when we first moved in and he went through my old photos. No big deal, I have nothing to hide but I had to deal with cranky pouting for a week until he fessed up.
> 
> That triggered me to snoop, though. He has a really ****ty attitude about me asking to see his accounts or phone. I don't wanna argue about it so I used some of my account/computer hacking expertise to break into his stuff. *He's never done anything that was a deal breaker for me...honestly, nor do I have the nagging feeling that he's cheating. However, I do see why he wanted his privacy. * He was flirting with a coworker from his old job and I read stupid messages to another guy where he was talking about her. He's just an idiot, some times. *He lies about stupid things that I wouldn't really be mad about if he was upfront.* Just the fact that he hides things triggers me to snoop.


I was going to post my own reply, but this one pretty much sums up what I was going to say, anyway! (especially the bolded parts)

I do occasionally take a look at my wifes email or Facebook, but I've never actually expected to find anything, if that makes sense. I'm not sure if it's 100% all-out snooping or just me being protective. Depends on how you view things, I suppose.

As for her, I don't know if she snoops or not. She will read my emails or texts or FB messages if they're up, I know that. I'm sure that at some point she's purposefully opened up any of the above to have a look without me around, but I don't get the impression she does this regularly.

We also share a computer, she doesn't have a cell phone (had my old one for a couple months, but cancelled it), so she'll take mine if she needs it and we know each others passwords.

As for WHY I occasionally snoop/check up on her: she has had issues with guys at work, boundaries, etc. and because I'm not about to show up at her workplace 3 times a week and mark my territory, I don't have much choice, I guess?

My ex wife also had (possibly multiple but at least one) affairs before we split up, and I didn't even find out until afterwards. Makes one a little gunshy and paranoid, I suppose.

I keep it in check, though, and I'm sure she knows. Passwords haven't changed in 6 years, so that's good.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I have nothing to hide so she can check if she wants but more importantly i haven't felt the need to check up on her for some time, the mobile phone is no longer clued to her hand or left face down to hide screen lighting up with messages etc certain people blocked from her facebook at her doing and laptop and facebook no longer logged out or shutdown, not the same desire to go of out with friends on girls nights out to nightclubs apart from maybe one if their birthday nights out and a host of other things so after reading this maybe we are on the road to normality more than i realised


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Our passwords are the same on all of our electronics. 

She can snoop all she wants, but doesn't. I don't either.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

my GF and I (2 year relationship) are fairly transparent, and are OK but not entirely comfortable with snooping on each others' phones. For me, it is the most personal place I have, I keep my journal on it, and some of the bizarre (both sexual and nonsexual - but nothing immoral or illegal) things I may happen to look up on the internet I may wish to be none of ANY one's business but my own, I don't have any desire to fell compelled to have to explain myself for. If she wants to use my phone to make a call or a text, or look something up, or watch a youtube video I'm perfectly fine, but I do not like when she goes into my photos or looks around at other content I may keep there.

But as for actually "snooping" I was just thinking about this a little earlier today... I saw someone that looked like an old friend, a friend that I had at one point introduced to my now ex W, and whom became not just a mutual friend but actually closer to my ex W. After my ex cheated and I was snooping I happened to find a lot of private facebook messages between her and many people that had at one point been my friends before marriage who ended up mutual friends. For nearly a year after our separation I would on occasion snoop on those conversations and I learned a lot about many people I had considered my friends. In the end I was better off letting her keep those ones because they sure didn't offer me the support I could have used. After my reflection on this today I realized I am not regretful at all about my choice to pry into her personal correspondence with others even after she left, because it saved me from a lot more potential damage and was entirely caused by her deceit and secrecy.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

LonelyinLove said:


> Don't snoop, and don't allow snooping.
> 
> I have all my electronics password protected. I am very private and some things are for my eyes only.
> 
> If he feels the need to look, he can ask and I'll open things up any time he wants, but casual browsing behind my back, no.


I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, but what types of things are for your eyes only?

I'm not sure *I* would be comfortable with that. I get the privacy thing, I do, but what sorts of things are you doing/saying/looking at that you wouldn't want your husband to see?

Reason being is the perception it gives your husband, not knowing your passwords and you keeping your electronics locked. From your side, you're not hiding anything marriage-ending (I'm guessing), but to him, you're uncomfortable sharing. How does HE view this?

I mean, I have TAM, so I get it. My wife knows I occasionally refer to or post on a marriage site, but she hasn't inquired further. It's a semi-secret, I guess. I would hate for her to read some of the things I have posted here. If she ever asked further, I'd feel compelled to warn her first, but in the end, I wouldn't hide it from her.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

When a couple gives each other their passwords and tells eachother " go knock yourself out looking" is that snooping? 
To me snooping is when a couple does not have this agreement and one or both goes through eachothers stuff without permission.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richie33 said:


> When a couple gives each other their passwords and tells eachother " go knock yourself out looking" is that snooping?
> To me snooping is when a couple does not have this agreement and one or both goes through eachothers stuff without permission.


I think it's somewhat implied, if you provide your passwords to your partner. Doesn't mean they SHOULD be reading each others emails or signing in to Facebook, but you don't give somebody the keys to the bank vault without the assumption they will use them.

It's a question of trust. "Here are all my passwords", but never ever actually use them" sounds kind of silly.

But I suppose asking permission to use said passwords is also kind of shooting yourself in the foot. I'd be asking "sure... but why???"

There's a thought process I've seen here on TAM that I don't disagree with - marriage is an open book. No secrets, no lies, nothing hidden. If you are doing something, saying something, writing something, looking at something that you feel you need to hide from your spouse, then you shouldn't be doing it, or they should know about it. Privacy is key, yes, but to what end?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Should you read your partners journal/ diary? I am sure there are plenty here who will say of course...i say thats creepy and there is a limit.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

richie33 said:


> Should you read your partners journal/ diary? I am sure there are plenty here who will say of course...i say thats creepy and there is a limit.


I would say no, and honestly, only ever as a super last resort if you are 99.9% sure there's something major to be concerned about. Reason being is that diaries are for yourself, and NOBODY else. It really is the last (and only) bastion of privacy, imo.

Other things, like email, Facebook and cell phones involve somebody else, thus the complete invasion of privacy is minimal.

If one has nothing to hide with their usage of these things (and who they are using them to communicate with), then there should be no reason at all to feel that your privacy is being -actually- violated.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Okay - this is a VERY personal topic to me.

If you're looking in your SO's "personal" things, it's likely because there is some level of mistrust.

For those of us who have had their entire lives torn apart as a result of what we found while "snooping", I say this.

When I looked, I found horrible, life destroying things. If there weren't those things to hide, there shouldn't have been a problem. If there's nothing to hide - why hide it? If openness, honesty and transparency are only three words in a dictionary, then what has that individual relationship sunk to? Are there REALLY things that a spouse shouldn't be allowed to know?

My IC had a take on it that I haven't seen brought up. When a person is looking a those things, it is to determine what their OWN life and future is. They're essentially doing it to find out about their own future - as opposed to just looking for control.

The things that I saw - when "snooping" - tore apart a 17 plus year marriage.

Is it really so important to have one's "privacy" that it trumps the sanctity of marriage? Is it so important that each of us be allowed a venue to absolutely become a different person - secreted away and held in the guise of "privacy"?

Tought question, and I can see both sides.

Unfortunately, I can't just look at this thread as a casual poster....


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I was fine with my wife friending ex's on Facebook for a few years until I stumbled on a bit more activity than I expected. Snooped for a while and although her behavior never came close to crossing a line I realized I was no longer OK with the ex's there. Confronted her in a general fashion that I would like her to remove them out of respect for me. I had to follow up but she did remove them. Now I don't snoop, problem solved.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

imperfectworld said:


> I was fine with my wife friending ex's on Facebook for a few years until I stumbled on a bit more activity than I expected. Snooped for a while and although her behavior never came close to crossing a line I realized I was no longer OK with the ex's there. Confronted her in a general fashion that I would like her to remove them out of respect for me.* I had to follow up* but she did remove them. Now I don't snoop, problem solved.


Now you're blissfully ignorant that she communicates with her ex's on a second Facebook account you know nothing about, because she likely only accesses it from locations you cannot monitor from.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I'm going to attack this again, because it's an interesting topic to me for a number of reasons.

First of all, I see both sides of the argument, truly. I don't think one has a right to snoop, and I don't think one has a right to complete privacy, either. It's a real catch-22.

Where I'm coming from is a little different, and also difficult to deal with. My ex wife cheated on me, and I didn't see the signs (or refused to see them, whatever). Once the marriage was over, the signs were obvious, and I felt incredibly stupid. As in, she all but wore a sign on her forehead that said "I'm cheating on you, Mike". As anybody knows, it's a kick in the groin to find out your spouse has been cheating, but apart from that, it's actually embarrassing. Magnify that by 1000 if you were in a position like me and it was clearly obvious yet you missed it.

My current wife has been on both sides of the coin. Though she's never cheated (I believe her, and have no reason not to) she has been cheated on. And her ex before me accused her of cheating, which forced the end of the relationship (she left).

When we got together, we were on opposite sides of this coin. She had been accused of cheating repeatedly by a jealous ex. I had been cheated on by my ex. We both had our defenses up. When we were in the getting to know each other phase, she gave up little information about her past. To her, even some of the most basic questions were off limits, which baffled me. To this day, there are gaps in her life that I know absolutely nothing about, whereas she knows the good, the bad and the ugly about my entire life.

She is an incredibly private person, about pretty much everything, but that's more her just not wanting to talk about things, rather than outright hiding it. Truth is, I don't think she actually HAS anything to hide from me. And if she does, she probably has good reason and I wouldn't want to know, I suppose. So I see her side of things, but at the same time, I somewhat resent that she feels the need to keep some things entirely to herself.

It's the little things in our relationship like this that keep me on my toes. I can't say that I'm untrusting of her, however if I followed the letter of the law in regards to red flags, I'd drive myself nuts.

I'm in a very weird situation, in which my gut is telling me there's nothing to worry about, but my brain is in disagreement from time to time.

The s****y thing is that there are too many things that I don't know about her (especially her past) or things that she's been clearly uncomfortable talking about or otherwise glossed over, in addition to her working almost exclusively with men in a blue collar environment, and being treated as one would expect. She rather enjoys being the sole woman surrounded by guys, but I also don't get the impression AT ALL that it's anything more than harmless - to her. Boundaries have been discussed, but all the same.

Couple that with the fact that her ex accused her of cheating (he worked at the same place, so saw her interaction with her co-workers) and likely still believes to this day that she cheated on him. Her admission that they had sex once in the last 18 or so months of their relationship (no longer attracted to the man who accused her of cheating, just had a baby, etc.). This also means that, by the time she and I slept together the first time, she would have had sex once, with her ex, in over 2 years, which honestly, is difficult to reconcile in my brain. Not impossible, of course, but... difficult.

And no matter how much I trust her, it IS difficult to honestly believe that an attractive woman, who was looking to date, was coming out of a bad relationship with a jealous man, had had sex once in over 2 years, had been on dating sites while single and is flirty with men to begin with - hadn't had any luck. Not impossible, not unbelievable, but hard to reconcile in my brain. If not for anything else than women can get laid at the drop of hat if they want. I'm not saying she was looking to get laid, I think she was looking to date and get out of the house and move on with her life, but all the same. No rebound after her jealous and insulting ex and her broke up? Sex only once, with him, who she was no longer in love with, in 2 years? No luck from being on dating sites for 6, 7, 8 months?

It's hard to believe, but she maintained it. And I really don't have a reason to not believe her. What she did before we started dating is irrelevant (apart from being truthful about being tested, and recent partners). And that's what I'm saying - my gut trusts her, but my brain does not, which is the opposite of how it usually goes.

All that to say, that even though I do trust my wife, I still feel that I need to occasionally check on things from time to time. They're more orange flags than red ones, but there are enough. I don't think it's necessary, but I do think I'm being prudent with this.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

alexm said:


> And no matter how much I trust her, it IS difficult to honestly believe that an attractive woman, who was looking to date, [...] had been on dating sites while single and is flirty with men to begin with - hadn't had any luck. [...] No luck from being on dating sites for 6, 7, 8 months?


You're not married to my SO by any chance, are you? 

No, seriously... the situation you describe above (as I edited) describes my SO fairly well. My SO is not a troll, she's actually quite beautiful with a classic elegance, and is an extrovert to boot, so I wouldn't say she's "flirty" but she's extremely comfortable engaging strangers in social circles. She had been on several dating sites, and had virtually no luck finding a match. She did have several "coffee dates", but they were exclusively of her initiation. I was one of the only men who reached out to her, and thus she tells everyone that I "found her".

I think you will find the world of online dating is not as easy as some make it out to be (in terms of finding a match), especially if you have any standards whatsoever. Yes, if you're just looking to get laid, and don't care who you sleep with (physically, character-wise, etc.) then I suppose a woman would have a fairly easy time "hooking up" on a dating site. Although why bother, if she had no standards anyway, just go to the local bar and hook up with someone.

In this respect, I would have no difficulty accepting what your wife tells you WRT her dating site activity, based upon my SO's experiences as she related to me.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

I don't snoop. Takes to much effort. Anyway the truth will always come out in the end.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> Completely open. My Wife can look though it all at anytime. I have nothing to hide. She is the same way with me. If she wasn't we wouldn't be married.
> 
> Clay


Yup, this is my marriage as well. Privacy is for the bathroom.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Constable Odo said:


> In this respect, I would have no difficulty accepting what your wife tells you WRT her dating site activity, based upon my SO's experiences as she related to me.



That's the thing, I do believe her. I actually have no reason to not believe her. My gut believes her. It's just the brain isn't computing it for some reason. And I think it's due to her being ultra private in all aspects of her life, with me and everybody else. My brain tells me it's something she'd be okay hiding from me because a) it's irrelevant and b) she wouldn't have wanted me to think she got around (or whatever) prior to meeting me.

I don't think she's ever tried to portray herself as white as the driven snow, but on the same side of things, she's had the habit of glossing over things that would have portrayed herself negatively. The thing is, these things always come out in marriage, you can't hide everything. I'm undecided as to whether she's purposefully hidden things from me, or just felt it's no concern or of any great importance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I never really had cause to want to snoop ~ only until after "probable cause" had availed itself!

With W#1, the PC was her sudden lack of affection, no sex, unusual work hours and travel habits with a sudden new promotion. Then when I walked in on her in the bathroom when the door lock malfunctioned to see her womanhood totally shaved(something she'd never ever do for me)with her running up into the closet to keep me from admiring the artistry of her handiwork; which ultimately led to the recon work where I found out that she had been bedding down with a corporate VP thirty years her elder, all for a big promotion that she had recently received!

With W#2(Rich, Skanky XW), I was totally oblivious to everything as the only thing that she ever exhibited were her occasional mood swings, but she rarely ever turned down sex. Even after she requested the "trial separation," I chalked that up to her moodiness. And then only after having been physically separated for some 9-10 months did I come to discover, through the detailed examination of her cell phone records, that she had, not only one, but two out-of-town lovers that she made business trips in their particular locales to go see. Her FB dialogue with both of them later confirmed all of that!

But if there ever is a Mrs. Arb #3 in my distant future, I still would have to extend to her the benefit of the doubt as it is not in my inherent nature to violate their trust in perusing their personal diaries, emails, texts, or correspondence ~ not without just cause, anyway! *


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I investigate people at work every day. If I have to investigate my wife, I need a different partner. You investigate people you don't trust. Why would I wish to be married to someone I didn't or couldn't trust?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Nope, have never ever snooped.

I've proactively protected the best interests of my family by using investigative means, but have never snooped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> I investigate people at work every day. If I have to investigate my wife, I need a different partner. You investigate people you don't trust. Why would I wish to be married to someone I didn't or couldn't trust?


I check my car daily. When I find a GPS or DVR attached to my vehicle, I just ensure it is not an IED, place it back where I found it, and go along my merry way.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whoever gets paid to snoop on me has got to have the suckiest, most boring job on earth. Must be a position reserved for the private eye who screws up the most and just needs to be punished severely.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *I never really had cause to want to snoop ~ only until after "probable cause" had availed itself!
> 
> With W#1, the PC was her sudden lack of affection, no sex, unusual work hours and travel habits with a sudden new promotion. Then when I walked in on her in the bathroom when the door lock malfunctioned to see her womanhood totally shaved(something she'd never ever do for me)with her running up into the closet to keep me from admiring the artistry of her handiwork; which ultimately led to the recon work where I found out that she had been bedding down with a corporate VP thirty years her elder, all for a big promotion that she had recently received!
> 
> ...


Spot on, Arbitrator. Just cause can mean a LOT of things...


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> Whoever gets paid to snoop on me has got to have the suckiest, most boring job on earth. Must be a position reserved for the private eye who screws up the most and just needs to be punished severely.


:rofl:

And if they screw THAT up, they have to spy on ME...LOL


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you can't share it with your spouse then do yourself a favour and keep it within the confines of your skull. In other words, don't write, say or do **** you don't want them knowing about. If it's planning them a surprise (a good one), or planning an imminent escape from an abusive marriage, then those are obvious exceptions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shakazulu2420 (Sep 16, 2014)

It's healthy. Unless you share passwords.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

arbitrator said:


> *
> But if there ever is a Mrs. Arb #3 in my distant future, I still would have to extend to her the benefit of the doubt as it is not in my inherent nature to violate their trust in perusing their personal diaries, emails, texts, or correspondence ~ not without just cause, anyway! *


What is just cause, though? Is it up to the person to decide what that is? I imagine everyone in this thread would give a different idea of what just cause is, and it would be perfectly justified in their head.

I know that my wife and I see this topic from opposite ends of the spectrum. She's never actually hidden something from me, per se, but there have also been things she'd rather I hadn't seen/heard/read, either - things that didn't portray her in the way she wanted to be portrayed to me, for example.

It can get VERY tricky very quickly when two people clash about things like this. Where one person overdoes the privacy thing (due to a jealous and accusatory ex) and the other believes strongly in the open book theory (due to a cheating ex).

Neither person is wrong, really, but it leads to some negative reactions on both sides. In our case, neither of us is willing to meet in the middle it seems, even though we both understand where the other is coming from. At the end of the day, it makes her feel like I'm out to get her, and it makes me feel like she's hiding things. Neither is (probably) true.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

There are certain things that should be private even between couples.

I NEVER go into my wifes bag/purse or touch her phone. If I need something from her bag I will pass it to her for her to get out. If her phone 'chirps' as a message comes in I will not check it but will say 'I think you have a message'.
Its called respect.

I expect, but don't get, the same from her. If my phone 'chirps' she will pick it up and see who the message is from. She will go through my pockets looking for money - to clarify, I generally have cash on me, she doesn't so I don't mind giving her money to save her going to the cash point. I just wish she would ask me first.

When I ask her not to go into my phone or my wallet etc she says 'Why? Have you got something to hide?'...'No its called respect. I never go into your bag'.

If I do ever have something to hide I sure as hell aren't going to hide 'it' in my phone or pockets!

She never gets the hint....I will walk into the house with a plastic bag or a box and go straight into our bedroom and put it at the back of my wardrobe....she follows me..'Whats in the box?'...'Nothing...don't worry about it'...'Come on..whats in the box?'...'You'll find out soon enough'....'No, I want to know now!'..'Ok, there you go open it....its your birthday present for next week.' Happy now?

But its my fault...I should have spelt it out.... NO...I...AM...NOT GOING...TO...SHOW...YOU...BECAUSE...ITS...YOUR...BIRTHDAY...PRESENT... 
One has to speak to her the way one would a 5 year old! DO NOT PUT YOUR FINGERS IN THAT.....Told you so!


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Askari
I completely agree. People have a right to privacy - even in marriage.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Richard - too right. It boils down to simple respect.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

askari said:


> There are certain things that should be private even between couples.
> 
> *I NEVER go into my wifes bag/purse* or touch her phone. If I need something from her bag I will pass it to her for her to get out. If her phone 'chirps' as a message comes in I will not check it but will say 'I think you have a message'.
> Its called respect.
> ...


See, I really don't like when my husband asks me to get something for him out of my purse. I tell him to get it himself. I have nothing to hide in there and he should feel comfortable enough to just get what he needs. I think it's annoying to have to get what he needs, when he can easily do it himself. He can also go through my phone if he wants, but rarely, if he ever does. If I need a certain gift card or debit/credit card, I just get it from his wallet. He does the same from my purse/wallet. Not a big deal to us at all. 

For my marriage, we have access to everything from each other. I have all of his accounts and passwords and he has the same from me. We have complete transparency. I don't snoop on him, as I see no need to. If he started trying to hide things, I might, but don't now. The only privacy we like is in regards to the bathroom. Otherwise, everything is open to both of us.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening anonymous07
I am happy to get something out of my wife's purse - but I ask first. She is free to go through my stuff - but I expect her to ask first.

I don't hide my web history (um except for this site....), but I don't expect her to look at it either. I don't look at hers. 





Anonymous07 said:


> See, I really don't like when my husband asks me to get something for him out of my purse. I tell him to get it himself. I have nothing to hide in there and he should feel comfortable enough to just get what he needs. I think it's annoying to have to get what he needs, when he can easily do it himself. He can also go through my phone if he wants, but rarely, if he ever does. If I need a certain gift card or debit/credit card, I just get it from his wallet. He does the same from my purse/wallet. Not a big deal to us at all.
> 
> For my marriage, we have access to everything from each other. I have all of his accounts and passwords and he has the same from me. We have complete transparency. I don't snoop on him, as I see no need to. If he started trying to hide things, I might, but don't now. The only privacy we like is in regards to the bathroom. Otherwise, everything is open to both of us.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I always tell my hubby to get something from my handbag. I cant really see the problem with someone going down a handbag if you say they can.

My daughter will get something from my handbag or purse if i say she can. As long as they ask permission first before they do otherwise they know i will not be happy.

I do not snoop on my husband i do not need to as i trust him 100% and same goes for him. I know exactly where his phone is just like he knows where mine is if he needs it, but he never does.

If you need to snoop, then there is trust issues.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening anonymous07
> I am happy to get something out of my wife's purse - but I ask first. She is free to go through my stuff - but I expect her to ask first.
> 
> I don't hide my web history (um except for this site....), but I don't expect her to look at it either. I don't look at hers.


I like the asking part when dating, but would rather my husband just get what he needs without asking now that we're married. He doesn't need permission to get what ever he's looking for in my purse. I feel weird when he asks if he can get Advil or what ever else out of my purse. I've told him to just get what he needs, he doesn't need to ask. 

My husband knows I'm on here and he had joined and posted a couple times, but he doesn't go on now and doesn't check up on the site. If he did, that's fine. I'm open with him about the issues we have and things have been getting better.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

melw74 said:


> I always tell my hubby to get something from my handbag. I cant really see the problem with someone going down a handbag if you say they can.
> 
> My daughter will get something from my handbag or purse if i say she can. As long as they ask permission first before they do otherwise they know i will not be happy


I think it's different in regards to children. I would want my son to ask first, but don't expect my husband to ask. He has access to everything I have, completely transparent, but it's different for our son.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

See, askari I tend to side with your wife. I don't feel there should be privacy in marriage. A birthday gift maybe. But in my opinion and in my marriage privacy is for the bathroom.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> See, I really don't like when my husband asks me to get something for him out of my purse. I tell him to get it himself. I have nothing to hide in there and he should feel comfortable enough to just get what he needs. I think it's annoying to have to get what he needs, when he can easily do it himself. He can also go through my phone if he wants, but rarely, if he ever does. If I need a certain gift card or debit/credit card, I just get it from his wallet. He does the same from my purse/wallet. Not a big deal to us at all.
> 
> For my marriage, we have access to everything from each other. I have all of his accounts and passwords and he has the same from me. We have complete transparency. I don't snoop on him, as I see no need to. If he started trying to hide things, I might, but don't now. The only privacy we like is in regards to the bathroom. Otherwise, everything is open to both of us.


For some like you and your H this works, but for many people it doesn't. To me the ability to have complete access to your spouses personal things is not the same thing as transparency. Also complete transparency would require open door bathroom time which I'm staunchly opposed to 😧. For me, having a certain level of privacy respected is a relationship need, and it goes both ways.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> For some like you and your H this works, but for many people it doesn't. To me the ability to have complete access to your spouses personal things is not the same thing as transparency. Also complete transparency would require open door bathroom time which I'm staunchly opposed to 😧. For me, having a certain level of privacy respected is a relationship need, and it goes both ways.


I guess I don't understand why you would not want your spouse to have access to your things. What do you want to keep hidden/private? 

There is nothing that I have that I would be afraid of my husband seeing or knowing of. He's free to go through my purse. It doesn't have a whole lot, just my wallet, Advil, tampons, chap stick, a pen, my cell phone, keys, and maybe a couple other things. Nothing that makes me feel like I have to keep it private. I would find it strange if my husband tried to keep things private/hidden from me. We're married, it's our money, our things. I drive his car, he drives mine. We have a joint account. There is nothing of his that he needs to keep private from me. 

Keeping the bathroom shut helps keep things romantic, since it's not exactly "hot" to watch your spouse go #2. We do live in a place with only 1 bathroom, so there are times when he's in the shower and I have to go or something along those lines. Not a big deal, but we try to keep things private in only that area to keep the romance alive.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> For some like you and your H this works, but for many people it doesn't. *To me the ability to have complete access to your spouses personal things is not the same thing as transparency. Also complete transparency would require open door bathroom time which I'm staunchly opposed to* &#55357;&#56871;. For me, having a certain level of privacy respected is a relationship need, and it goes both ways.


The transparency you describe is radical transparency. It's different to expect everything to be open and shared instantly than to only have it upon request. 

Our version of transparency is really just being engaged with our spouse and being interested in what they are doing more than checking up.

The transparency I endorse is that anything obscured that is requested should be divulged. And most things should just be out in the open and not hidden. Where I'm going and whom I will be with, when I return are all things provided openly. What I'm doing on the computer is something that is not openly shared but my wife will often ask what I'm doing on the computer. At that point I let her know and we usually have a short discussion about it. If its a game she might participate. If its TAM we might discuss the thread I'm reading. If its messaging she may ask about whomever I'm talking with.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Why snoop? Tell her you want to see her phone. If she has a password, ask her for it. Look at everything right in front of her. Give her your phone with the passwords. Nothing to hide, nothing to worry about. If she resists too harshly, then start snooping. Same goes for the opposite.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

meson said:


> The transparency you describe is radical transparency. It's different to expect everything to be open and shared instantly than to only have it upon request.
> 
> Our version of transparency is really just being engaged with our spouse and being interested in what they are doing more than checking up.
> 
> The transparency I endorse is that anything obscured that is requested should be divulged. And most things should just be out in the open and not hidden. Where I'm going and whom I will be with, when I return are all things provided openly. What I'm doing on the computer is something that is not openly shared but my wife will often ask what I'm doing on the computer. At that point I let her know and we usually have a short discussion about it. If its a game she might participate. If its TAM we might discuss the thread I'm reading. If its messaging she may ask about whomever I'm talking with.


When it comes to interactions with third participants, absolutely i support radical transparency in a relationship, and my idea of transparency is much like yours, it's the choice to engage in each others interests and not be rejected. if there is something I'd share with another person absolutely i would not hesitate to share it with my spouse first - she takes precedence over everyone else. But many things I do are entirely for myself, and often i do not want to share or have to discuss it with someone, including a partner. Any relationship business is both of our business, but not all my own business is relationship business.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

If I ever felt like I had to snoop on my husband, I'd divorce him.

I've got better things to do with my time.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> When it comes to interactions with third participants, absolutely i support radical transparency in a relationship, and my idea of transparency is much like yours, it's the choice to engage in each others interests and not be rejected. if there is something I'd share with another person absolutely i would not hesitate to share it with my spouse first - she takes precedence over everyone else. But many things I do are entirely for myself, and often i do not want to share or have to discuss it with someone, including a partner. Any relationship business is both of our business, but not all my own business is relationship business.


Examples?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Examples?


Well if I won't tell my GF what makes you think I'll tell you? 

But seriously there are not too many examples, it is more about the expectations.

I have some fantasies that are mine alone, which I will allow my mind to dwell on occasionally. There are things I've read, studied analyzed for my own self improvement that are nobody's business but mine. These are thoughts that I have not invited my spouse into, and I fully have the right to protect that place with a privacy curtain.

Sometimes I just want to have boundaries for the sake of the exercise of protecting my boundaries, even if there is nothing inside the container within. Another example is feelings that I am still processing, feelings that I am reflecting on or pondering and of which outside influence would do me a disservice.

There may also be experiences and memories from my past that I believe just deserve to belong there. I don't mean secrets necessarily, particularly ones that would have negative consequences for my spouse, nor even ones that necessarily left scars or damage on me, just experiences that shaped me in some way or another. There are things like this that not only need not be aired publicly, but no need to air discretely to any other person. There are even some things that I may discuss with a counsellor and not even my spouse, because a professional counsellor's role is not at all the same kind a person has in a romantic or intimate relationship. And at any time it is completely my prerogative should I choose to invite my spouse into a certain place in my mind, but that is not to set up any sort of precedent or even be seen as some sort of "progress" or "improvement" - simply dealing with life as it comes.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

bfree said:


> See, askari I tend to side with your wife. I don't feel there should be privacy in marriage. A birthday gift maybe. But in my opinion and in my marriage privacy is for the bathroom.


:iagree:

"Privacy" is closing the bathroom door. "Hiding something" is denying access to things like emails, chats, messages and texts.

This transparency is the very foundation of a relationship. If you can't trust your SO when it comes to their "private" stuff, how can you trust them at all?

Again, this comes from the viewpoint of someone who COMPLETELY trusted their SO, only to find out that that trust was misplaced, and that there was a very long term EA that was hidden, camouflaged and indeed protracted by that trust.

It's difficult to put into words how devastating the whole thing is. It sounds good - to trust someone completely, but when you find out that the very core of your "doubtless trust" is the thing that your SO relies on, it hits you like a ton of bricks.

Just saying - from real first hand experience....


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> If I ever felt like I had to snoop on my husband, I'd divorce him.
> 
> I've got better things to do with my time.


I completely agree - but only to a point.

What would you feel if you discovered next Tuesday that your H had been in an EA for, just say two years? It might make you see things differently. It might make you feel like a dupe that sat around trusting someone whe couldn't be trusted. It might make you feel completely humiliated, totally stupid and more than a little "gullible". It might even make you never trust ANHYONE again.

I completely agree about not feeling compelled to "snoop", but at the same time, one must ask the question (again) "If there's nothing to hide - WHY hide it"?

I gave over ALL of my usernames and passwords to my ex a long time ago. She never reciprocated. That's a big red flag (I now know).


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'd be extremely suspicious if DH refused to give me a password." Why? What are you hiding?" would be my thoughts. If a person can't share everything they are doing on a device with their partner, they need to ask themselves if what they are doing is ethical and how would they feel if their partner was doing the same thing. Bringing toilets into the debate is ridiculous imo. Checking through bags and pockets... maybe I'm an open book compared to some but who the hell cares about loose change, dirty tissues and random crap that accumulates in a bag?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I have to agree with having some privacy and it being different than transparency. That's why I asked Lon for examples. I wasn't quite sure where it all was going and hadn't considered privacy. I just expected it, I guess. Although, if you ever had to take care of the elderly, there is no privacy. Sometimes a spouse will have to do that, but not often today. I really didn't care too much about privacy. If we were making love and she knew about my medical history, I saw it as it was up to her what she wanted to subject herself to, but I wouldn't encourage it. I can remember urinating with her in the bathroom. At the time, my blood pressure meds made waiting tough, sometimes. I didn't really like to do that, but I wasn't going to pee my pants, either. If, she was in the middle of taking a shower. We only had one bathroom. Odd? Maybe and maybe not. I loved everything about her, so the only thing I really didn't want to be a part of was some things that included blood or something like that, but not because I didn't love her. It was my inability to handle that kind of stuff without feeling queasy that stopped me.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lon said:


> When it comes to interactions with third participants, absolutely i support radical transparency in a relationship, and my idea of transparency is much like yours, it's the choice to engage in each others interests and not be rejected. if there is something I'd share with another person absolutely i would not hesitate to share it with my spouse first - she takes precedence over everyone else. But many things I do are entirely for myself, and often i do not want to share or have to discuss it with someone, including a partner. Any relationship business is both of our business, but not all my own business is relationship business.


Transparency does not mean you have to tell your spouse everything that goes on, everything you're doing, every interaction you've had, etc. Nobody expects that (or should...)

However, if it's something even remotely related to the relationship that you feel your spouse should know (or you would want to know if the roles were reversed) then tell them.

Transparency is not accounting for every second of every day.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> Again, this comes from the viewpoint of someone who COMPLETELY trusted their SO, only to find out that that trust was misplaced, and that there was a very long term EA that was hidden, camouflaged and indeed protracted by that trust.
> 
> It's difficult to put into words how devastating the whole thing is. It sounds good - to trust someone completely, but when you find out that the very core of your "doubtless trust" is the thing that your SO relies on, it hits you like a ton of bricks.
> 
> Just saying - from real first hand experience....


I'll second that.

One tends to look at this subject very differently when the previous method of doing things goes South.

It's maintaining a healthy balance that's key.

Eyes wide open, instead of eyes wide shut.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> "Privacy" is closing the bathroom door. "Hiding something" is denying access to things like emails, chats, messages and texts.
> 
> ...


You will also nd up angry with yourself when realise that all those moments when your partner was mean, angry,neglectful and otherwise AND not due to the fact that your partner was going through a mood; through high stress at work or any other reason that partners work out between one another....... but that they were neglectful of you because simply they have prioritised the needs of someone else over you while still fully expecting that you make them a priority. 

and when you make that discovery, you will not want to trust anyone ever again.

And take it from me, it's not a bad place to be. Having a spouse know he needs to be trustworthy more then I need to trust him works just fine for me.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> What would you feel if you discovered next Tuesday that your H had been in an EA for, just say two years? It might make you see things differently. It might make you feel like a dupe that sat around trusting someone whe couldn't be trusted. It might make you feel completely humiliated, totally stupid and more than a little "gullible". It might even make you never trust ANHYONE again.
> 
> I completely agree about not feeling compelled to "snoop", but at the same time, one must ask the question (again) "If there's nothing to hide - WHY hide it"?
> 
> I gave over ALL of my usernames and passwords to my ex a long time ago. She never reciprocated. That's a big red flag (I now know).


I wouldn't feel stupid, humiliated or gullible if my husband cheated on me at all.

People cheat. Sometimes being they have issues in their marriage...sometimes just because they're cheaters and have trouble avoiding temptation. Ultimately that's a choice they make, its not their partners fault...nor would I feel it was mine.

I thoroughly trust my partner. He's the best person I've ever met in my life. If he ends up cheating on me, I'd be very sad about that but I wouldn't think it was my fault or hold his actions against every other guy on the planet. I'd move on. I've been divorced, I know all about what it involves.

As I said, if I ever get to the point where I feel that I can't trust my husband....I'd first confront him face to face and if I felt that there was still something going on...I'd divorce him. I'm a smart woman and I'm not the jealous, suspicious or paranoid type. So if I suspected something, I'd trust my instincts. I'm not gonna bother wasting my energy on anyone who isn't thoroughly loyal to me or that I can't trust. Life is too short for that nonsense. Plus I can take care of myself and I'm not dependent on my husband so I have no fear of divorce besides the emotional anxiety that I'd have to deal with.

I think if you have to snoop on your partner...its just kind of pathetic and not much of a life. Find someone you can trust.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

EnigmaGirl
I wish I could click "like" more times. That is exactly how I feel as well.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> EnigmaGirl
> I wish I could click "like" more times. That is exactly how I feel as well.


Not a popular opinion around here but i feel the same way.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

See I guess I don't see things as snooping. I prefer to look at it as transparency. I honestly cannot think of anything in my life that I'd want to keep from my wife. Additionally I cannot think of one thing in my life that doesn't affect my wife in some way. Therefore I feel keeping any of it from her would be dishonest. I don't look at it in the context of infidelity although I do acknowledge that total transparency would make it difficult for an affair to begin let alone flourish.

I would like to ask those that value privacy in their marriages to cite some examples of things they would not disclose to their spouses. I'm not trying to denigrate anyone's opinions. On the contrary, I'm highly curious.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> See, I really don't like when my husband asks me to get something for him out of my purse. I tell him to get it himself. I have nothing to hide in there and *he should feel comfortable enough to just get what he needs. I think it's annoying to have to get what he needs, when he can easily do it himself. *He can also go through my phone if he wants, but rarely, if he ever does. If I need a certain gift card or debit/credit card, I just get it from his wallet. He does the same from my purse/wallet. Not a big deal to us at all.


I don't know...I feel a little strange about the purse thing. 

There are a few things I would just rather not do. On the list, is get into my wife's purse. I don't know whats in there (other than gum) and I don't really need to know


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I would like to ask those that value privacy in their marriages to cite some examples of things they would not disclose to their spouses. I'm not trying to denigrate anyone's opinions. On the contrary, I'm highly curious.


I don't know about others but I can't say that there's anything I'd keep private from my husband or that I know of that he keeps private from me. But I also don't really look through any of his things either.

His phone is his phone...his documents are his documents...his computer is his. I've never felt the need to look through his things or insist that I have the passwords to everything. I have no doubt he'd provide them if I asked but I see no need to do so.

If I ever feel like I need to have all of his information to check on what he's doing, I doubt our marriage would last long past that point. If I had any kind of credible feeling that my ex was doing anything to betray my trust or loyalty...I wouldn't bother continuing the relationship.

Both of us made it clear to each other from the beginning that infidelity was a deal breaker for us.

I have no doubt that if I EVER do anything to betray my husband, he would leave me no matter how much he loves me. That's the kind of man he is and I'm the same kinda girl. Loyalty is actually more important to me than love.

I'd get pretty pessimistic about my marriage if I started to feel the need to log into my husband's laptop or check his phone ... who wants to live that way? No thanks.


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

Never had a reason to and indeed very blessed for having this very secure feelings that I do not take for granted.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

alexm said:


> I'm not trying to pick a fight with you, but what types of things are for your eyes only?
> 
> I'm not sure *I* would be comfortable with that. I get the privacy thing, I do, but what sorts of things are you doing/saying/looking at that you wouldn't want your husband to see?
> 
> ...


I don't share everything in my life with anyone.


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