# 11 years of misery- both of us have had affairs



## Kayla. (Mar 26, 2017)

I'm going to attempt to shorten this as much as possible. To anyone who takes the time to read and respond, my gratitude cannot be expressed. 
My heart is breaking, it has been for many years. I met my husband just a few days after my 18th birthday. He is 9 years my elder and was active duty military at the time. At the time of meeting- he had just returned home from a deployment and was on leave. We met in February, I lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him. It was difficult to say the least. He was already training for his upcoming deployment and we rarely spent time together. I was young, unappreciative, and didn't see the value in all he was sacrificing for me. A quick fast forward- I am now 29, and as all people do, I have changed in many ways. I love deeply, too deeply. I deplete my emotions and energy into loving other people. Rewind- I moved to be with him in May of 2006, we married 9 months after meeting and in retrospect I can see it was a very hasty decision. We didn't even have the opportunity to get to know each other. His deployment day was set for January of 2007, less than a year since we first met. He deployed- two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was very difficult. My husband's tour ended up being extended to 15 months. At this point we still didn't know each other. We went weeks without contact during the deployment because of my husband's job, and I worried sick wondering if something terrible had happened. 
I was not faithful to my husband during his deployment. I am still repulsed by my actions. Saddened, unable to forgive myself. I was so young, and so dumb. He never learned of this, and I didn't come clean not because I couldn't accept accountability, but because I couldn't stand to break his heart. When he returned our child was 6 months old- we had two weeks together as a family after a 15 month deployment and he was sent to drill sergeant school. This lead to two years of hell. Drill sergeants are more or less deployed, just sleep at home. He worked 7 days a week, 16 hour days. Upon graduation, he returned the day of my mothers funeral. This incident turned my world upside down. Mind you- this was nearly 2 years into marriage and we were just starting our lives together- on a terrible note. I had no friends in the ARMY, and became depressed living on base. I sat in my home with my child day in- day out. Waiting, watching the clock tick, waiting for a text message- or phone call from my husband because I missed his company so greatly, and felt so incredibly lonely. My husband from the day we met was head over heels for me (or so I thought) I'm thinking it was an act honestly. He showered me with anything I wanted- and treated me with love. Never emotional connective love, that I've always craved so deeply. I've never been able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than income to pay bills. He doesn't ever put any men before himself. He isn't driven to do anything unless there is instant reward or gratification on his behalf. He has NEVER in 11 years known how much money we have- when bills are due, he has never worried with any sort of obligation for our family such as sick kids, school events, keeping our family running. He will show up, but waits on me to communicate everything to him. Step by step, holding his hand like a child. It's never felt like a partnership- NEVER. It's always felt like another child, a burden, he is ambitious about exactly NOTHING. He has no goals- he does nothing to fix anything "broken" in the form of our relationship, or household things. I have to badger him to get it done. It's exhausting. I've never had this with my husband. During this period in 2008, I stumbled upon this number on our phone bill 100s of times. Remember me saying I sat waiting on a call from him? I was lonely and missed him. How could he possibly have time? Who was he calling? I called the number and it was shockingly some sort of sex line. I know this is nothing he ever spent money on because I reigned over finances closely, because I was forced to do so. I was absolutely heartbroken. I had stuck by his side, supported his career, I was the best wife I knew how to be- he called this number multiple times a day. And it had been going on since before we met. I never got the truth about this scenario. I couldn't deal with the heartache- so I eventually made the choice to close the chapter and accept what he had done. I wasn't hostile about it, I questioned him and was obviously hurt. That was that, UNTIL several years later we visited a marriage counselor and had a private one/one on a date my husband couldn't attend. I shared this information with the psychologist, and he said he felt that my husband had gay tendencies and that he may have acted upon them. Omg, the shock, horror, no way was he right. He couldn't be right. I arrived home from this visit- questioned my husband, and he came clean in the sense of yes he had been listening to pre-recorded messages in gay/transvestite chat rooms. Again- he never told me the whole truth. My intuition is uncanny, and I know he didn't tell me the truth. Once again, unable to handle the pain, I closed the chapter. Later, I found this type of porn on his phone. He had become or had always been a pathological liar. I began to feel that everything had been fake. I didn't know him- he couldn't possibly love me. I had forgiven him more times than one can count but he continued to break trust. There was another incident with my best friend that was inappropriate, I never got any answers at all. I know I'm not clear of the truth of this matter. 
My husband separated fro the army honorably after 10 years basically due to an ultimatum I had given. Military life was too much. Deployment every other year, I couldn't do it. I knew if we had a chance he had to separate. he won't admit, but he has very bitter and resentful of this. Upon his separation from the military (5 years ago) I started to notice subtle changes in him that I'd never seen. Tendencies of deep rooted anger. Emotional abandonment. Poor choices. At this current time it's absolutely out of control. He is the definition of an emotional abuser. He was taught to not express emotions in childhood- and wasn't given the emotional love he needed. My husband parents highly favored his older sibling. It's very strange- their relationship. They're frivolous with financial gifts to us. But there's absolutely no emotional connection or love in the relationship, and they've never accepted me. I feel that years of harboring emotions has led to a midlife crisis for my husband. He has outbursts of anger- attacking me on my most fragile areas. He aims to hurt, and then denies it. He will say/do something and blantantly deny it. He will scramble the scenario and corner me to lose. He CANNOT handle any form of criticism, and during these hurtful times nor once has he said sorry during the incident- it always occurs days later. It's a cycle like clockwork. He blames everything on me. He minimizes my feelings- and it has gotten to a point that I am scared and ridden of anxiety in such an intense way that I allow him to control me. I have discussed emotional abuse with him. (I have suffered emotional abuse and abandonment, literally since birth). This outrages him, and he says I'm not a "****ing psychologist). I will make attempts to defuse, and request to have a moment to breathe. He will push me until I am an emotional wreck out of control of my emotions, and then tell me that I need psychological help. When I tell him this is unfair to say because of xyz, he uses his famous line "you're deflecting. This is about YOU!"
I believe strongly that there is a high probability that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. He is unwilling to admit any wrong treatment toward me. I have tried so many methods to help him- love him more, show love more in hopes of salvaging a relationship I've invested most of my life to. It gets me nowhere. When he feels weak, he remedies by jabbing me in the most hurtful ways. When it's clear to him that he has hurt me- he seems satisfied and then will walk away. Our first child now almost 10 tells me that sometimes she doesn't feel that daddy loves her. He doesn't listen to her feelings- he gets angry with her easily. I've shared this with him, guess who's fault it is? I've embedded those thoughts into her head. How could he not care about her feelings? I'm worried about her because I know first hand how childhood trauma leads to devastating circumstances in adulthood. When my husband isn't angry/ he's the worlds most loving dad! He plays, and is involved, he listens, and gives. Our children have always been priority over me.
Just two days ago my husband went through my phone and found two messages to two different men that were inappropriate, but I haven't had any physical contact with them. Regardless, it's not ok. It's wrong. I'm ashamed, I'm sad. I'm hurting for him. I've searched for these connections because I crave emotional connection so very much. I have expressed this to my husband 1000 times in a very loving and respectful way that I need this to be fulfilled in our marriage. 
He doesn't listen when I talk, he doesn't inquire about prior topics (a big hurt is that I suffer from autoimmune disease that doesn't seem to concern my husband a bit) he often insinuates that he is a trophy parent, and I'm a terrible parent. Simply because, I work long hours. It's hard. Almost impossible. But I do it for us. I want to provide for our family. After the end of a workday, I can't do anything except eat and sleep. This has built extreme bitterness toward me. He chips away at my self-worth day by day denying it all along. 
Upon finding these messages, he lost his mind. Called me sl$t, f'n b!tch, told me he didn't want me and to get the f out. I told him I had nowhere to go and he said he didn't care- and would give me as little as he possible could in divorce agreement. I'm certain that he will try to take my kids from me. He comes from money, I do not. I don't have a pot to piss in aside from my underpaid job. He said all these things so that my children could hear. I the past with his never ending lies and deceit, I never did this to him. My husband has transformed into a very unstable, and angry person. I have no idea what happened to him. 
I suffer from major depressive disorder, and suspect biderlijenpersonailty disorder stemming from childhood trauma and neglect. I keep myself in check- I'm very hard on myself, constantly feel like a terrible wife, Mom, and sometimes feel undeserving of life. He is aware, but continues to inflict pain to satisfy his pain and anger. 
I am sincerely sorry, I feel guilty. I'm lonely. I have very low self-esteem which is what Led me to this poor decision. 
I'm in shock st the words he used against me. I tried to tell him I had forgiven him many times, and never used these tactics. (Deflect, this is about YOU) he says. 
We are now 11 years into our relationship, and haven't had many good times. We are the epitome of incompatible. I am very much an old soul, very deep and compassionate. Empathetic, dependable, giving, a "caregiver"- never caring for me. 
I do not want to give up but I feel defeated. And have felt unwanted thoughts of ending my life. I wouldn't follow through with because I love my children too much. But the pain, the constant pain is unbearable. 
Was my husband justified in these actions? Was I deserving of this? What can I do to change the dynamic, and fix our brokenness? Please harshtruth, criticism, I welcome all forms of response. I feel that I cannot go on.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

What do you want to happen? There are no magic pills, no class that you can take to just make this all better. I think that you have to be honest, honest with your husband and honest with yourself. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. I get the impression that the relationship that you imagine in your mind is not real. I will save you some time and tell you that you can't fix him, you can only fix you. He must choose to fix his problems, that is if he has a desire to change. As you have already stated, there is plenty of blame to go around, but it almost seems like a moot point. I think you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation on whether you want to fix the relationship or just move on with life. If you decide to stay, then your lives have to be an open book to one another. No more phone calls to men or women that the other is not totally aware of from now on. You have to be accountable to one another. You also alluded to the fact that your relationship is more parent-child, instead of equal partners. This can not be sustain and is just a matter of time before it self destructs again. You need to set your boundaries, develop a plan to heal or just move forward. There is nothing easy or quickly that will fix this, it is going to take a long time, and lots of work.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

He's gay and you're a cheater. 

Nothing to save here.


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## Kayla. (Mar 26, 2017)

I want to salvage my marriage. I want a loving giving and compassionate bond. What do you feel is not real not real in my mind



VFW said:


> What do you want to happen? There are no magic pills, no class that you can take to just make this all better. I think that you have to be honest, honest with your husband and honest with yourself. I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problems. I get the impression that the relationship that you imagine in your mind is not real. I will save you some time and tell you that you can't fix him, you can only fix you. He must choose to fix his problems, that is if he has a desire to change. As you have already stated, there is plenty of blame to go around, but it almost seems like a moot point. I think you two need to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation on whether you want to fix the relationship or just move on with life. If you decide to stay, then your lives have to be an open book to one another. No more phone calls to men or women that the other is not totally aware of from now on. You have to be accountable to one another. You also alluded to the fact that your relationship is more parent-child, instead of equal partners. This can not be sustain and is just a matter of time before it self destructs again. You need to set your boundaries, develop a plan to heal or just move forward. There is nothing easy or quickly that will fix this, it is going to take a long time, and lots of work.


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## Kayla. (Mar 26, 2017)

Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.



stixx said:


> He's gay and you're a cheater.
> 
> Nothing to save here.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Kayla. said:


> Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.


Your husband was in gay chatrooms. He's GAY.

You are both cheaters, and you are in violation of forum rules due to bypassing of the forum word filter. 



Kayla. said:


> he says I'm not a "f$$king psychologist).
> Upon finding these messages, he lost his mind. Called me sl$t, f'n b!tch,


Ignorance of the rules is no excuse. 

Nice knowing you.

Please don't waste your valuable time praying for me, it's a waste of time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

stixx said:


> He's gay and you're a cheater.
> 
> Nothing to save here.





Kayla. said:


> Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.





Kayla. said:


> Please harshtruth, criticism, I welcome all forms of response.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Kayla
> I want to salvage my marriage. I want a loving giving and compassionate bond


.

The character that you described your husband to be is almost unbelievably negative. You both betrayed each other, he resents you, and you have low self-esteem. You wanting a loving and compassionate bond is almost impossible as it will take a miracle of biblical proportions to overcome all the negatives you both have.

If you want to look at the best possible chance for you to have a better life then do not waste time trying to get your husband to change. *You cannot change your husband but you should put all your efforts into changing yourself.* If you change and become stronger and your husband changes for a long time then you may look at reconciliation. At this point you will be wasting a lot of energy unless you work solely on yourself. As far as your current situation, it is like two people in the ocean that cannot swim and drowning and thinking each other will save the other. *You both are way too weak to help each other and can only help yourself by getting lots of good help from all sources.* I am not trying to kill your hope but giving some reality as I have seen in my 60+ years of life.

Doing what I have suggested will take an enormous about of action and bravery. However, your alternative, to try and fix the marriage right now has about as much chance as you winning the lottery. *Kayla, get the right help and know that in the end you can have a much better life. Millions of women have done it and so can you 
*


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Kayla. said:


> I want to salvage my marriage. I want a loving giving and compassionate bond. What do you feel is not real not real in my mind


I have a little bit of experience here as I am retired military and have been to every Army base in Georgia, I worked with Drill Sergeants for two tours and know how tough it is to be on the trail. Soldiers actually deploy more now than any other time in history. This leaves a young wife home, by herself, with nobody but babies to talk to and feeling very alone and depressed. When their husbands do return they are happy to see them, but it can be tough reconnecting together. I would say that this is not what you envisioned military life to be like when you left Smallville, IN for Fort Benning. You saw what your husband could be and what your life could be like. The reality has been substantially different. It is not that the relationship can't be fixed, but most couples don't put in the effort to repair the damage. They traditionally play the blame game or one half tries in vain to fix relationship by themselves, until they ultimately give into other possibilities. This doesn't have to be your fate, but you can't do it by yourself, so you have to take off the rose colored glasses off and be honest with yourself. I sincerely wish the best for you and your family.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sadly you married a man you didn't know and he has turned out to have many many issues, one of which is that he is probably gay.(Hetrosexual men dont spend ages on gay sex lines and chat rooms). He is also is also abusive, angry and cruel. You children must be suffering with all this stuff going on.Do you really want them to think this is how marriage is, that a husband acts this way?
Sadly I cant see any alternative to ending this marriage for your own mental health and your children's well being.


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## DepressedDiva (Mar 23, 2017)

It's possible that your marriage could be salvaged if your husband were agreeable to go back to marriage counseling. Maybe he's bisexual or was just curious? you should try to have a heart to heart with your husband.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

" lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him."


I wanna know what your parents said about this? There's no way I would allow my daughter to do this. Were you looking simply to get away from home? I'm guessing you don't have a positive role model of adult, mature marriage to look at? I would divorce this guy and start way back at the beginning with therapy.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to deal with these problems in the order in which they occurred.

First and foremost - you are a cheater. End of story. I do not believe that you love or are in love with your husband. You cheated on him during your early years of marriage. Its true that you married too young but you ARE a cheater - no question there.

Now if he is gay, bi or what ever doesn't matter until you deal with the above. I believe that you want a happy married life but I do not believe that you want it with him. This is evident from your post. As soon as you said you cheated you then went on to bash your husband to kingdom come in just how you had to hold his hand etc and how bad he was at home.

So what are you going to do to ensure that you don't cheat in your next relationship because this one is over! You need to work on making you a better person and you develop a better understanding of why you did what you did and then develop coping mechanisms for the future.

Now, on to your husband. I have seen very few truly bisexual guys. If a guy sleeps with a woman and then goes on to "secretly" look at gay porn etc then there is a high chance that he is really gay. And being military it would have been double hard for him to come out. As to his cheating, from what you say he looked at gay porn, called sex lines etc. Pretty clear that he is a classic closet case. Has he actually slept with anyone else so far ? I would say you need to develop a good co-parenting plan with him.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

for future relationships, no secrets.

You have to stop the contact with other men. Is your H the father of your child? He could be wondering.

You do have to be there for your daughter. Talk to an attorney to get good advice about your pending D. Time to move on with your daughter.

Hope you get a chance to move on, but in the future, find out why you thought it was good for your relationship to cheat.

I do not see much of a chance with your current marriage.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Kayla. said:


> I'm going to attempt to shorten this as much as possible. To anyone who takes the time to read and respond, my gratitude cannot be expressed.
> My heart is breaking, it has been for many years. I met my husband just a few days after my 18th birthday. He is 9 years my elder and was active duty military at the time. At the time of meeting- he had just returned home from a deployment and was on leave. We met in February, I lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him. It was difficult to say the least. He was already training for his upcoming deployment and we rarely spent time together. I was young, unappreciative, and didn't see the value in all he was sacrificing for me. A quick fast forward- I am now 29, and as all people do, I have changed in many ways. I love deeply, too deeply. I deplete my emotions and energy into loving other people. Rewind- I moved to be with him in May of 2006, we married 9 months after meeting and in retrospect I can see it was a very hasty decision. We didn't even have the opportunity to get to know each other. His deployment day was set for January of 2007, less than a year since we first met. He deployed- two weeks later I found out I was pregnant with our first child. It was very difficult. My husband's tour ended up being extended to 15 months. At this point we still didn't know each other. We went weeks without contact during the deployment because of my husband's job, and I worried sick wondering if something terrible had happened.
> I was not faithful to my husband during his deployment. I am still repulsed by my actions. Saddened, unable to forgive myself. I was so young, and so dumb. *He never learned of this*, and I didn't come clean not because I couldn't accept accountability, but because I couldn't stand to break his heart. When he returned our child was 6 months old- we had two weeks together as a family after a 15 month deployment and he was sent to drill sergeant school. This lead to two years of hell. Drill sergeants are more or less deployed, just sleep at home. He worked 7 days a week, 16 hour days. Upon graduation, he returned the day of my mothers funeral. This incident turned my world upside down. Mind you- this was nearly 2 years into marriage and we were just starting our lives together- on a terrible note. I had no friends in the ARMY, and became depressed living on base. I sat in my home with my child day in- day out. Waiting, watching the clock tick, waiting for a text message- or phone call from my husband because I missed his company so greatly, and felt so incredibly lonely. My husband from the day we met was head over heels for me (or so I thought) I'm thinking it was an act honestly. He showered me with anything I wanted- and treated me with love. Never emotional connective love, that I've always craved so deeply. I've never been able to depend on him for ANYTHING other than income to pay bills. He doesn't ever put any men before himself. He isn't driven to do anything unless there is instant reward or gratification on his behalf. He has NEVER in 11 years known how much money we have- when bills are due, he has never worried with any sort of obligation for our family such as sick kids, school events, keeping our family running. He will show up, but waits on me to communicate everything to him. Step by step, holding his hand like a child. It's never felt like a partnership- NEVER. It's always felt like another child, a burden, he is ambitious about exactly NOTHING. He has no goals- he does nothing to fix anything "broken" in the form of our relationship, or household things. I have to badger him to get it done. It's exhausting. I've never had this with my husband. During this period in 2008, I stumbled upon this number on our phone bill 100s of times. Remember me saying I sat waiting on a call from him? I was lonely and missed him. How could he possibly have time? Who was he calling? I called the number and it was shockingly some sort of sex line. I know this is nothing he ever spent money on because I reigned over finances closely, because I was forced to do so. I was absolutely heartbroken. I had stuck by his side, supported his career, I was the best wife I knew how to be- he called this number multiple times a day. And it had been going on since before we met. I never got the truth about this scenario. I couldn't deal with the heartache- so I eventually made the choice to close the chapter and accept what he had done. I wasn't hostile about it, I questioned him and was obviously hurt. That was that, UNTIL several years later we visited a marriage counselor and had a private one/one on a date my husband couldn't attend. I shared this information with the psychologist, and he said he felt that my husband had gay tendencies and that he may have acted upon them. Omg, the shock, horror, no way was he right. He couldn't be right. I arrived home from this visit- questioned my husband, and he came clean in the sense of yes he had been listening to pre-recorded messages in gay/transvestite chat rooms. Again- he never told me the whole truth. My intuition is uncanny, and I know he didn't tell me the truth. Once again, unable to handle the pain, I closed the chapter. Later, I found this type of porn on his phone. He had become or had always been a pathological liar. I began to feel that everything had been fake. I didn't know him- he couldn't possibly love me. I had forgiven him more times than one can count but he continued to break trust. There was another incident with my best friend that was inappropriate, I never got any answers at all. I know I'm not clear of the truth of this matter.
> My husband separated fro the army honorably after 10 years basically due to an ultimatum I had given. Military life was too much. Deployment every other year, I couldn't do it. I knew if we had a chance he had to separate. he won't admit, but he has very bitter and resentful of this. Upon his separation from the military (5 years ago) I started to notice subtle changes in him that I'd never seen. Tendencies of deep rooted anger. Emotional abandonment. Poor choices. At this current time it's absolutely out of control. He is the definition of an emotional abuser. He was taught to not express emotions in childhood- and wasn't given the emotional love he needed. My husband parents highly favored his older sibling. It's very strange- their relationship. They're frivolous with financial gifts to us. But there's absolutely no emotional connection or love in the relationship, and they've never accepted me. I feel that years of harboring emotions has led to a midlife crisis for my husband. He has outbursts of anger- attacking me on my most fragile areas. He aims to hurt, and then denies it. He will say/do something and blantantly deny it. He will scramble the scenario and corner me to lose. He CANNOT handle any form of criticism, and during these hurtful times nor once has he said sorry during the incident- it always occurs days later. It's a cycle like clockwork. He blames everything on me. He minimizes my feelings- and it has gotten to a point that I am scared and ridden of anxiety in such an intense way that I allow him to control me. I have discussed emotional abuse with him. (I have suffered emotional abuse and abandonment, literally since birth). This outrages him, and he says I'm not a "****ing psychologist). I will make attempts to defuse, and request to have a moment to breathe. He will push me until I am an emotional wreck out of control of my emotions, and then tell me that I need psychological help. When I tell him this is unfair to say because of xyz, he uses his famous line "you're deflecting. This is about YOU!"
> ...


Or perhaps he did...Also, could you explain the logic to me of not being able to tell (verbally) your H what you did so as to spare him pain, yet you could do (physically) that which would/does.


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## Kayla. (Mar 26, 2017)

Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him? 
I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.


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## Kayla. (Mar 26, 2017)

Your assumptions are pretty close. My parents were both drug addicts that neglected me. I was raised by grandparents in mtiple households. 



katies said:


> " lived in Indiana and he was stationed in Georgia. He was drive to Indiana as much as he could to visit. Within 30 days we were engaged. The day I graduated high school, I moved to Georgia to be with him."
> 
> 
> I wanna know what your parents said about this? There's no way I would allow my daughter to do this. Were you looking simply to get away from home? I'm guessing you don't have a positive role model of adult, mature marriage to look at? I would divorce this guy and start way back at the beginning with therapy.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Kayla. said:


> Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him?
> I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.


Kayla,
Please do not take this as an attack on you. The truth is, you did damage too and in order to fix things you have to come to terms that you were in he wrong too. Please trust me.... I am going through a possible separation/divorce with my husband of 9 years, mostly because of my behavior- I posted my dilemma on another marriage site and got my butt handed to me.... it made me so mad, sad, thinking to myself that here I was opening my heart and even saying that I was in the wrong, and they have to go and claw at those already open wounds.....but then it hit me......I needed to hear it. As much as I knew I was in the wrong, I didn't really accept it until they really drove it in- and then I knew right then that I needed to change. It hurts our ego, even when you think "oh I'm being honest and showing that I'm also to blame" but when someone really Exposes it, it's raw and it doesn't feel good. Take the criticism and turn it into something constructive, as I did. You are human just like the rest of us, as much as we love we also hurt those we love. As far as your situation, girl you need to exit. Exit for you and your kids. Detach. I'm currently trying to do this right now with my own husband, and it's amazingly hard. Leaving them with their thoughts and loneliness sometimes makes them realize what they had and want to get help. Sometimes it doesn't. You have to accept either way. Man, I need to take my own advice!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Kayla. said:


> Thanks guys for all of the lovely advice! I obviously never claimed to not be a cheater. I do love my husband. Why would I care to salvage if I didn't love him?
> I love him deeply. The past can't be undone sadly. The damage runs deep as each of you have reiterated. I wish we could have a do-over. I'm sad that this turned into an attack toward me. Assumptions, and conclusions that you couldn't possibly understand enough to conclude. To the ones who had anything positive to say- thanks. To the ones who had a negative outlook but said it in a thoughtful way-thank you.


Many cheaters say they love the one they cheat on. If you can love the person and still cheat on them what is the love really worth? It's like dollar store love. You say in your original post you love too much, but not enough not to be honest, again what does love really mean when you say it? Not what I or many posters feel about that because when we say it, it means loyalty as part of the word, fidelity as part of the word, honestly as part of the word. All those things have been lacking. 

You haven't even told him, so you don't love him enough to let him have agency in his own life. If it wasn't you would you want say your brother to live the rest of his life not knowing his spouse cheated on him? Would you keep it secret from your brother as to not hurt him? At least be honest about it, you are not telling him because you don't want to deal with the fall out. Feeling pain from the damage you have caused is the reason, not to prevent him from pain. You would tell anyone if you didn't have to deal with the fact that you caused the damage. With all do respect you are just a typical WW this part of the story is really just about your selfishness. 

Next you say he has BPD and seems to be gay? What exactly are you salvaging here? Look up Cost Sunk Fallacy. It's probably the case you are never going to have the kind of relationship you want with this guy. He has to want to change or at least see his problems and if he is gay there is that issue as well. However you are not going to have the kind of relationship you want with anyone until you fix what is in you that allowed yourself to cheat and then live a lie for a decade. 

I'm sorry but you have been a lousy wife to him and you know it, how can you expect to have a good marriage. There is no hope at all until you fix yourself, and you can't do that until you see yourself honestly and humbly. YOU are the only thing you have control of. Confess and see where it leads. At least the marriage will now be an honest one. Maybe it will shock him into changing, maybe he knows and that is part of why you have all the issues. At least you will break the inertia. Even if this doesn't work out you need the tools to be a better wife to the next one. What if he didn't have BPD then what would you say? What if he was just a kind, good sucker. 

Right now you are beating a dead horse aren't you? Your marriage has been dead from the point you cheated and you never did the work to start over yet.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I admit to only reading your title (wall of text = can't be bothered) but tell me - why are you still with a guy who has cheated on you and to whom you can't be bothered to be faithful??

Unless you've both had some kind of epic epiphany and are doing a huge **** ton of work both together and separately, on your marriage and on yourselves, there's zero chance you're gonna get what you want here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Individual counseling for both of you, then joint counseling followed by marriage counseling if it is determined that you are both healthy enough to sustain a marriage.

Regardless of your marriage success or failure, you both need to become healthy individuals.

You are honestly both bad candidates for marriage.

I understand your deep emotions but the problem is your decision making process and overall emotional health.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

There is a reason why the Roman legionaires were not allowed to marry during the twenty years they served as soldiers. It was a wise policy, one that I think the U.S. should adopt.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have no compassion at all for people who get themselves stuck on this situation. 

Stupid babies marrying when they are too young to know anything about life, thinking with their glands instead of their brains. Servicemen and women should be barred from marrying until they are at least 30.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, you cheated on him and didn't tell him, but then had the nerve to ask him to leave the Army before he wanted to in order to save the marriage? Wow. Just...wow. You love him so much you let him make a major life decision while ignorant of the facts. Hint: That's not love.

If you want to examine his side of the street, there is evidence he is either straight up gay, bisexual, or "gay while away" and he was willing to marry and have children with you while concealing his true nature. Hint: Also not love.

Since you both seem to "deny til ya die" I don't see anything to save here. A decent marriage would involve a LOT more honesty than either of you are willing to give.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Kayla, I strongly suggest your read Lundy Bancroft...Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. I believe once you read that you will understand that your marriage cannot be saved unless you are willing to continue to be verbally and emotionally abused. If/when you are no longer willing to accept that, he will leave you. He will have no further use for you if are not willing to be his garbage dump.

You can't change him, you can only change yourself. So you need to make a choice between getting yourself healthy or staying in the marriage. You can't have both.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well in all fairness, you did welcome all kinds of comments/advice. It was a bit of a harsh post though, but they do have a good point: your husband might be gay, or at the very least, bisexual. This is definitely something worth looking into, in my opinion, as it could have a lot to do with his anger.



Kayla. said:


> Very kind of you to provide such profound advice during such a traumatic period. You shouldn't be here if you're going to conclude things that you know nothing about. My husband isn't gay, and we've BOTH cheated. I'll pray for you.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Kayla. said:


> Your assumptions are pretty close. My parents were both drug addicts that neglected me. I was raised by grandparents in mtiple households.


honey, you need to start RIGHT HERE. There is no fixing anything until this is healed.


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