# Is she going to have an affair?



## Joewal (Aug 30, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for over 25 years and I think she is considering having an affair. I am almost positive it hasn't happened yet, but I found some internet searches/websites on her computer that she is looking at, that give me reason to believe she is considering it. She apparently has a crush on a guy at the gym where she works out. Our marriage has been pretty healthy and I love her and have never been unfaithful, but like every marriage it has its ups and downs. I think she has been faithful as well. But the internet searches (all together at the same time) like "I am married but have a crush" and "married but lusting" "how to get a guy to want you" etc. I am wondering if I should confront her based on the internet evidence I found or should I let this play out. I honestly think she has been scared to take the next step...but now appears to be seriously considering it.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Joewal

Why wait until the affair starts, you have a suspicion address it now before the “crush” becomes a serious problem in your marriage.

Have a very direct conversation with your wife tell her that you are aware she is looking elsewhere, do not give her any evidence, remind her of the boundaries of a marriage, if you are on firm ground do not pull any punches in what you say. Be firm, be consistant and have the words ready. 

Ask why is she is looking and consider that you will need to make changes. She may lie to you keep on the pressure. On your other thread you were advised to get monitoring software, do so now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

then it's time to change up your marriage. Print out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what YOU do that bothers her, so that you can STOP doing them!

Then ask her to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire, which will tell you what her top ENs are, so you can make sure you are the only person meeting those needs.

If you don't do those two things - stop harming her and start meeting her needs - she will either suffer in silence, have an affair, or leave you.


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## Joewal (Aug 30, 2010)

I confronted her today...didn't go to well at first. She denied then lied even though I had the internet evidence right in front of her. She was extremely defensive, so I didn't push it. She even threatned to pack her bags and leave at first. As the day went on she eased up and more or less admitted that she was thinking about other men by asking me if I had ever thought about being married to someone else. She accused me of surfing porn, which I have from time to time, but when I asked her if she did, she denied it. Again, not true, based on the internet history tracks she left behind. I didn't press her on that one. I believe her that she isn't cheating on me, but I am still concerned about her having a "crush" on this guy at the gym. I hope to change some of things that bug her about me and make things work. The big question, should I still install the computer monitoring spyware? If she found that, there would be a trust issue that might be devastating. Afterall, she denied things today and the evidence was right in front of her face.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Heck yes you should.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Load the software. You know your wife is not being open with you. Why should she be devastated, she lied to you and is still being dishonest. O yes she will threaten and say many things but stay on coarse. 

Her behaviours are in line with the script. Do not be scared. 

Plan for the worst and know your next steps.

I suggest in the interim find out who the guy is just in case. You may never need the info but at least be prepared. 

A few small things, NO porn I assume this stopped. Buy his needs, her needs by Willard F Harley, both of you need read this as soon as. 

Have another chat with your wife, she must trust you and open up, hear her and listen to her. 

Show her the extract from the link breeze sent.

Whatever happens do not sit back and wait. Take action now and keep on a steady course.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

A crush by itself is harmless. And honestly, the first two searches you mentioned ("married but have a crush" and "married but lusting") could potentially have been her looking for ways and advice on how to stop that. It's the 3rd one, on making a man want you, that indicates trouble. Her denial of doing anything wrong...well, again, those first two might have been innocent, and because those two were innocent, she convinced herself everything else was. 

She has a crush on a guy at her gym - a gym is not like a job, or your child's school, where trying to avoid said person could change everyone's lives and possibly for the worse. She can easily change gyms, even if she does have to pay an early release fee from a contract or something. I would tell her that she needs to change gyms, and for the sake of trust, maybe even locate a women's gym, if there is one around. 

As for the computer software...I'm iffy on that one. In one way, it makes sense to do it so you can see what she's up to. But on the other hand, she's been caught and this might have scared her into knocking off what she was doing, and if she finds out you've done this with the software, that could destroy her trust in you, and if she doesn't trust you, and you don't trust her...what do you have left? Perhaps, as an intermediate step here, you could tell her you want access to her emails, phone logs, internet history, etc. and see what her response is. If she agrees, and allows you access, check it all regularly. If nothing seems suspicious, then leave it at that. If you feel she's deleting/hiding stuff, or she denies you access, then I would consider installing the software.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

I agree that a crush, in itself, is harmless, however it is a sign of a bigger problem. Generally speaking, women who are having their emotional needs met within their marriage don't develop crushes on other men. 

I like the idea of taking the lovebusters quiz and the keylogger software. I think reading His Needs Her Needs is probably a good idea, as well.

This is a fixable situation, but the success really depends on your ability to accept that you're part of the problem.


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## Joewal (Aug 30, 2010)

No doubt ATruckers, that it takes two to make things work and we're both at fault when it doesn't. Let me ask this to any woman reading this...at the risk of being niave...she seems more prone to these type of internet dabblings at "that time of the month", as the case happens to be this time. Are the hormones firing differently then that might be a cause?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK, the only change I ever saw in myself was that I had to have one 'cry' each month. Even now, in menopause, I still feel like crying, once a month. It certainly wouldn't get me surfing the web looking for other men.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I admit that my hormones get wacky at that time of the month, but it's more in the I-wanna-cry-right-after-I-laugh-but-before-I-get-angry kinda way. When that time is coming, I don't think "Gee, I wanna cheat". 

However, there is a possibility...if she has some kind of issue, say bipolar or something, I suppose it's possible that the monthly hormone fluctuation could combine with whatever issue to make her act differently. But I'm no doctor, so I can't say that for sure...it's just a thought.


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