# What do you think?



## chichi0225 (Dec 8, 2015)

I'm new to this forum.. I put this thread in "Long Term Sucess in Marriage" but was suggested to move my thread here for more responses.. 

Hello, 

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dated for 8. He is quite a popular guy. He has many friends both male and female and I don't have a problem with that. I think he can be friends with whomever he wants.

However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning. 

When I tried to talk with my husband that I feel uneasy about this, he shrugged it off and said they are just friends and that I am overeacting. Not only does he continue to talk with her as much as he does, he also hides his phone. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

chichi0225 said:


> I'm new to this forum.. I put this thread in "Long Term Sucess in Marriage" but was suggested to move my thread here for more responses..
> 
> Hello,
> 
> ...


You're right to be concerned, because it sounds like your husband is in the midst of (at least) an emotional affair w/ this other woman.

Who is this woman?

Does he work w/ her?

Does she live nearby?


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## chichi0225 (Dec 8, 2015)

she is an acquaintance. We met her through a mutual friend. I met her twice before.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

HUGE RED FLAGS!!!!!

I would say this is at the least an emotional affair. My husband has done this throughout our 10 years of marriage with his ex. When I bring it up, he gets angry, defensive, says it's "nothing", that I'm overreacting, they're "just talking". He's even gone so far as to say that *I* am the one that pushes him towards her by bringing up what he's doing too much. It makes him want to talk to her. 

Your husband needs to know how this makes you feel and you need to make it clear this is unacceptable to you because you are not comfortable with it. If he continues - HE IS CHOOSING HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH HER OVER YOU. And I can tell you first hand, that's a really ****ty feeling.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I wouldn't do this but it's something to think about. Send her a text and ask to meet for lunch. At lunch ask her to show you the texts she has sent to your husband. If she refuses tell her fine I'll just send the email to everyone we know about your affair. Then pull your phone out like you are going to send an email. Watch her panic as you are sending it to all of her friends on Facebook also. 

The best I can advise is the standard evidence thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

chichi0225 said:


> When I tried to talk with my husband that I feel uneasy about this, he shrugged it off and said they are just friends and that I am overeacting. Not only does he continue to talk with her as much as he does, he also hides his phone. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do?


I would tell him that unless he syncs you into those conversations, you will consider him to be cheating on you and you will be moving on without him.

And if she's married, call her husband and tell him.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I wouldn't do this but it's something to think about. Send her a text and ask to meet for lunch. At lunch ask her to show you the texts she has sent to your husband. If she refuses tell her fine I'll just send the email to everyone we know about your affair. Then pull your phone out like you are going to send an email. Watch her panic as you are sending it to all of her friends on Facebook also.
> 
> The best I can advise is the standard evidence thread.


This is it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

drifting on said:


> I wouldn't do this but it's something to think about. Send her a text and ask to meet for lunch. At lunch ask her to show you the texts she has sent to your husband. If she refuses tell her fine I'll just send the email to everyone we know about your affair. Then pull your phone out like you are going to send an email. Watch her panic as you are sending it to all of her friends on Facebook also.


Even better! Do it! You're fighting for your marriage. You have to be strong and protect it.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Ofc you should be concerned. Your husband is texting another female and sharing personal informations with her and then he hides it from you.

You need to act fast. Please dont be like some of us and let it go and then after 1-2 years you find out that your heart is broken.

Tell him to stop contacting this woman. 
If he got something to talk about -you are there for him,his wife-best friend.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Google "Emotional Affair".

Show the results to your husband. Guaranteed his affair with this woman will hit 8 out of 10 known indicators of an Emotional Affair.

Force him to choose. You and your marriage or her. DO NOT listen to "it's nothing", "just a friend", you know that is not true.

I would not demand access to his phone at this time, but you have to remain vigilante now matter what he says. Even if he agrees with you and vows to stop, continued protection of his phone is a red flag that the affair has gone underground and has not stopped.

Gus and a couple of others can advise on how to gather evidence off his phone/computer.


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

chichi0225 said:


> *They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.*


Smoking gun. I cant imagine to many spouses that would be ok with any of this.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Yes your husband is cheating. read the link given about the evidence post. He is minimizing the affair because he is cake eating. What do you want?


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## HiRoad (Oct 22, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Yes your husband is cheating. read the link given about the evidence post. He is minimizing the affair because he is cake eating. What do you want?


EA for sure. Maybe not a PA yet, but he is on his way. 

First comes infatuation, curiosity, flirting.


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## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

This is definitely an emotional affair and you must stop it or there's a good chance it will turn physical, if it hasn't already. 

You need to show your husband the definition of Emotional Affair and you both need to realize that this is what's going on right now. It needs to stop and you both need to figure out why this has happened. Listen to everyone here, because they know what they're talking about. 

If you allow him to brush it off and you accept it, you're playing with fire, and the next step is it turning physical with her or someone else in the future. This is exactly what happened to me and a lot of people on here. You'll be back here with a much worse story soon if you don't do anything. 

It would be a good idea for you (and him) to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

Here is an excerpt from Part 1 - Slippery Slope in that book:
"In the new crisis of infidelity, platonic friendships and workplace relationships are turning into emotional affairs, usually gradually, without premeditation. Parties cross boundaries of emotional intimacy, sharing intimate information with a friend that is usually appropriately the exclusive territory of a husband or wife. When emotional boundaries are overstepped, the partner has taken the first step onto a slippery slope leading to emotional and eventual sexual infidelity."

There's a quiz for your husband attached, from the book. It will gauge how far this has gone. Have him answer those questions and score it.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

chichi0225 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 3 years, dated for 8. He is quite a popular guy. He has many friends both male and female and I don't have a problem with that. I think he can be friends with whomever he wants.
> 
> However, I noticed recently he has been talking to 1 particular female back and forth throughout the day, every day. I feel that he confides in her more than he does with me. He would send her private messages and pictures about what he is eating/hobbies/jokes more than he does with me. They are actively talking to each other via private messages, twitter, facebook, instagram, even online games. Sometimes I would see messages at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am in the morning.


I'll be one of the first on this board to jump up and defend OSFs in a relationship, and I get flamed for it!!

But this is way outside the limits. Private conversations that you aren't included in, inside jokes, texts at silly times of the night and private messaging through 3 or 4 different services. This is ridiculous. 

From what you have said this is an EA and it needs to stop. Not only that but this is clearly abusing the trust you have shown in him with his other friends.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My H has OSFs, always has. But the big difference? He never hides it from me. He shows me their texts. He has no passwords and has no problem with me picking up his phone or his computer.

Why? Because he has nothing to hide!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Definately an Emotionall Affair. If this is not jumped on now it will turn physical. 

You need to come down on this hard. If he refuses to end the friendship you need to take serious action and move out.

He needs to be made aware this type of behavour wont be tolerated


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

HiRoad said:


> EA for sure. Maybe not a PA yet, but he is on his way.
> 
> First comes infatuation, curiosity, flirting.


EA only is not likely. If chichi has met face to face with this woman twice, then she has met with Chichi's husband a lot more than that. 

Again I ask, what do You want Chichi?


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