# dazed and confused



## sparkhunter (May 21, 2013)

well , I never thought I would be talking about divorce or separation.
My wife and I have been married almost 24 yrs . 
About 6 mths ago she blind sided me and says she's not happy and thinks we should separate for awhile, but she doesn't really want me to move out and has been saying for the last 6 mths that she loves me. WTF. I asked her if she is unhappy with ME or something else. She replies that she doesn't know and has to have space to figure it out. So I sleep in a separate room. We have had sex 4 or 5 times in that 6 mth period , she even joked that I was her boy toy. She acts like we are together , but then withdraws from me. Needless to say I am totally
confused on whats going through her head and she gets pissed off when I try to talk to her to figure her out , and she says don't analyze her. She does have chronic pain in her back and neck, and i believe it just sucks the life out of her, and she just isn't happy with her situation, but i don't really know. She's never been the type of person to come up to me and give me a kiss or hug , unless i initiate it. I work out of town for 3nights ,4 days and when i get home i try to do a lot of the chores and stuff.
I thought of moving out , but she says she loves me still , so I don't want to jeopordize what there is left. I love her very much , but I also have started planning ahead , by working out and taking care of myself in case I things go to hell. Is that wrong? 
I have tried to be patient , but its wearing thin. I told her the other day that I was going to back off and if she wants me,then come get me and if she doesn't then don't, but how long am I supposed to hang on to this glimmer of hope, that she will want to stay with me? If any of you have some 
advice for me it would be greatly appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have a job?

At this point you are right to back of and start taking care of yourself and do things for yourself.

Is there any chance that she is having an affair. Since you are say a good part of that time she has ample opportunity.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You're option 2! She wants it to work with her boyfriend but not sure if he'll leave his family yet. Cut her money off NOW, if you're giving it to her! Speak with an attorney ASAP! Find out what preparations you should be making for your upcoming d!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Spark,

While it may not be happening, you need to do some investigating to see if she's involved with anyone else during the time you're away.

There's a few simple things you can do:

Go online and review the cell phone bill. Are there alot of calls/texts to 1 or 2 numbers you don't recognize?

Buy a couple of voice activated recorders (VARs) and place one under the front seat of her car with heavy duty velcro. Cheaters feel comfortable talking in their cars. Place the other one in a palce in the house where she typically likes to make/receive calls and also use it to switch out with the one under the seat so you can listen to the recordings

Get a keylogger on your PC now. It will help track down any secret email or FB accounts

Does she seem to get alot of texts/calls when you're home? Is her phone glued to her side? Is it password protected? What about her FB account?

Also, do you guys have any kids


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## sparkhunter (May 21, 2013)

I forgot to mention one thing. About 1 1/2 yrs ago she got into on- line poker, not real money , but would be on it till 1-3 in the morninig.
I was choked because that's all she would do. Well I decided to go on her laptop and snoop. Well I came across part of a conversation which was somehow saved in part of a download. It wasn't like bad or anything , and I really don't know if it was her or not, because all the names and email addresses were different. Anyways I confronted her about it and she said it wasn't hers , but I wasn't sure and blew my lid and smashed the computer. I felt bad and bought her a new one the next day.She never played on-line poker again . UNTIL. 3 mths before she wanted to separate.She started playing again. But not near as bad , but prob 4 times a week. Ever since then she has put passwords on her phone and computer.
Anyway , I thought it coincidental that 3 mths later she is unhappy. I kept my suspicions to myself until last night I asked her if shes been having chats with other men and she got pissed and said she didn't like what I was insinuating. I honestly think shes not cheating physically, but she could be chatting , which is as bad.
She does work.
I did figure out how to get onto her computer. But if I did she would know someone deleted her password. I haven't been able to crack her cell phone code. I thought about a keylogger , but again she would know someone got on her computer. I have checked her cell phone text numbers, but she uses it for work and all the numbers are local and nothing past 9 or 10 oclock. I think if she was texting someone from online it would be a long distance number. We live in pretty small town.
If I am wrong and try to spy on her , it will prob be the end , so i'm not sure I want to risk it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You arent wrong to spy on her, she is giving you NOTHING, and is acting like an affair is a real possibility. You have every right to find out if you are indeed plan B, because that is what it sounds like from this side.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You don't have a choice but to "risk it" you have nothing to lose. She's already gonna dump you the second here bf dumps his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

VAR the car now

In regards to texts and calls, you need to look for ALOT to 1 or 2 numbers, especially ones that happen when you're not around

Do you actually know the PW to her laptop?

Sorry but all the passwords are a bad sign.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

One quick thing - you broke the computer?

While I'm with the others in suspecting there's something going on, I'm not sure you breaking the computer was the right way to go. That was unpleasant business which may or may not have been dealt with (buying a new computer isn't really dealing with it).


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## sparkhunter (May 21, 2013)

i broke the computer 11/2 ago not 6 mths ago


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Spark,

Did you VAR the car yet?


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## Searchingforpeace (May 24, 2013)

She is in a place where she wants you and something/someone else too. I say this because I know. I am separated from my husband and have since met someone else. I tell my husband I love him because I do but I know that me and him will never work. She is going to continue this behavior as long as you still show her you are there. Just go on with your life and if she comes back hopefully it will be genuine.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm not one to instantly jump on the "affair" band wagon either. This sounds more like "rut" to me so far. 

Rule 1 with a possible affair is NEVER mention it unless you have 100% proof. She sounds like she's just starting to disconnect from the marriage, which isn't good either. 

Looking at yourself in an honest and open way, have you done enough to keep your marriage ALIVE, keep it fresh, spend quality time with her, show her your appreciation? Do you normally have anger issues that have prevented her from talking to you about issues she might have? Has she been giving you hints at unhappiness that you've ignored or down played, or looking back might have just missed? I promise you this didn't just start last week or last month, these are signs of a year or longer unhappiness.

If you think any of the above might be an issue, you need to get back in touch with her, connect emotionally. Marriage counseling is always a good start.

Give : Winning Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late: Dr. Gary Smalley, Deborah Smalley, Dr. Greg Smalley: 0020049055939: Amazon.com: Books 
a read. Maybe even 5 love languages too.

Get a hold of yourself and your marriage, don't take these actions lightly, she's been reaching for a while. Sounds like you just missed the bus to me.


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