# What do WS lose from their BS's opinion of them?



## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

I have been struggling to put words to the feeling I have. I understand I lost a lot of respect, love, trust. I can't figure out what "died" in me with my opinion of my WS.

I'm sure this feeling is common among other BS. So to get other peoples point of might help me understand what this feeling is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

I've lost my sense of self, as it relates to my WH. Not only did he turn into a stranger, so did I.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

It's like you have to get to know an entirely new person because the old identity as you knew it died or never existed. 

It's also like an eyewitness who later learned they were wrong, and now have shattered confidence in what they perceive.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Everything. All emotions, all memories associated with the WS become a painful remainder.


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## DeterminedToThrive (Nov 2, 2013)

I lost my footing in life, it was like nothing I knew to be true, was real any longer. Being a BS makes you question everything, including your own self-worth. You have to re-evaluate everything. I felt ... a drift, with nothing I could grasp onto.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> I have been struggling to put words to the feeling I have. I understand I lost a lot of respect, love, trust. I can't figure out what "died" in me with my opinion of my WS.
> I'm sure this feeling is common among other BS. So to get other peoples point of might help me understand what this feeling is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Provocative question Cloaked.

On D-day my other half, my best friend, my protector and soulmate, the man I once knew, disappeared without a trace never to return. Dramatic? No. Reality? Yes.

The grief was not unlike what I might have felt had I gotten a call to say he was run over by a truck. A flood of adrenalin rushed through my body, my heart pounded and I felt I couldn't breathe - the fight or flight response. I was in shock. I suppose no WS could even begin to imagine what that moment is like, the moment when a BS reads those words on the small screen of a cellphone. 

In an instant, our whole history was wiped out. And what was I to do with the bittersweet memories of the nights he made love to me and I slept in his arms afterwards, yet in the morning he sent OW a text? 

I was left with the part of me that existed before I met him. But that too was utterly changed. I will never again allow myself to have a soft place to fall, with him or anyone else. That's a big loss. 

Being betrayed is an assault on the self.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Respect for them.

And it also makes you question all other life decisions you have made. Because if you got the biggest decision of your life wrong...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It seems that to be in a pair relationship is to be utterly vulnerable


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

illwill said:


> Respect for them.
> 
> And it also makes you question all other life decisions you have made. Because if you got the biggest decision of your life wrong...


I must say, in my case, we were both checked out of the marriage by the time I found out my husband had been cheating on me. 

But when I found out he had cheated, how long he had been cheating, the serial cheating, the thousands of lies he told while looking me in the eye, the above quote, still haunts me.

How could my judgement of someone been so wrong? I never dated "players", I always went for the straight-laced, nice guys, my husband was a shy country boy. I was so wrong in the decision I was so sure of. I don't think I will ever be able to trust my own judgement again with regards to choosing a partner.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> It seems that to be in a pair relationship is to be utterly vulnerable


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> I have been struggling to put words to the feeling I have. I understand I lost a lot of respect, love, trust. I can't figure out what "died" in me with my opinion of my WS.
> 
> I'm sure this feeling is common among other BS. So to get other peoples point of might help me understand what this feeling is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You lost of a foundation belief. You lost what you thought she/he was (incapable of fallibility). You lost confidence in your self to see the difference.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> I have been struggling to put words to the feeling I have. I understand I lost a lot of respect, love, trust. I can't figure out what "died" in me with my opinion of my WS.
> 
> I'm sure this feeling is common among other BS. So to get other peoples point of might help me understand what this feeling is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a really good question, and the answer is obviously very hard for us to put into words. I've tried to articulate it to my wife but not very successfully. The way I explain it is "I do not feel safe putting my heart in your hands anymore."


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Lost? Everything I believed in, everything I cared about. I lost faith in God, humanity, and the power of love. I lost my ability to know what I see is reality or some kind of fantasy created by my mind. I lost the ability to believe what anyone says and look for the hidden agendas behind anyone's words. I lost friends whom I also trusted, family as I could not be there for them, I lost my footing in this world and the desire to be here. I lost all the years I believed I was living as one person only to find out I was someone else. I'm no longer knew what is right or wrong, the black and white foundation now has areas of gray. There is not one little piece of my world left unturned and without question. Everyone says I am such a strong person and I will get through all this yet I feel like such a fake. I smile, I laugh, I take care of everything and usually have solutions to all problems yet inside I am in such turmoil. Fake it till you make it is my daily chant. I lost all and any dreams those lay shattered along the highway with nothing to replace them with. Been there and done that, now what? I'm not going anywhere I remain in place, work on me what's there to work on I did nothing wrong but love live and get sick. Now I have even lost the calmness from all the work I did do getting through the abuse from childhood and the worst from 28 yrs ago. Now everyday is racked up in more loss and the grieving never ends as I have lost close family members very close friends and my pets. The grieving never ends as if a dark cloud has settled in over our heads. I have lost the sunshine and the ability to look forward with hope.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> That small piece of innocence that remained from childhood is gone. The feeling that no matter what happened in life I always had her as a backstop. We were in it together. We were a team. I am no longer innocent in any way. I am jaded! I lost my ability to be happy, to laugh, to smile. Oh I do all those things but they aren't genuine.
> 
> That was about 28 years ago now and I try to act as if I doesn't bother me and I don't think about it much but i do daily in fact almost every waking hour that I am alone it consumes me. One word haunts me, WHY? The conclusion I always come up with is it was my fault; I was to much of a nice guy. I took it to heart when she said things like "you are trying to control me" So I let things like GNOs go on. I could have and should have stopped them but I wanted her to be happy.
> 
> ...


Stonewall--is your story here somewhere? You have lots of posts but your threads don't look like they tell your story. Sounds like you have made a successful marital recovery after infidelity but are still suffering. What you have to say might be instructive.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

jupiter13 said:


> Lost? Everything I believed in, everything I cared about. I lost faith in God, humanity, and the power of love. I lost my ability to know what I see is reality or some kind of fantasy created by my mind. I lost the ability to believe what anyone says and look for the hidden agendas behind anyone's words. I lost friends whom I also trusted, family as I could not be there for them, I lost my footing in this world and the desire to be here. I lost all the years I believed I was living as one person only to find out I was someone else. I'm no longer knew what is right or wrong, the black and white foundation now has areas of gray. There is not one little piece of my world left unturned and without question. Everyone says I am such a strong person and I will get through all this yet I feel like such a fake. I smile, I laugh, I take care of everything and usually have solutions to all problems yet inside I am in such turmoil. Fake it till you make it is my daily chant. I lost all and any dreams those lay shattered along the highway with nothing to replace them with. Been there and done that, now what? I'm not going anywhere I remain in place, work on me what's there to work on I did nothing wrong but love live and get sick. Now I have even lost the calmness from all the work I did do getting through the abuse from childhood and the worst from 28 yrs ago. Now everyday is racked up in more loss and the grieving never ends as I have lost close family members very close friends and my pets. The grieving never ends as if a dark cloud has settled in over our heads. I have lost the sunshine and the ability to look forward with hope.


Beautifully written, Jupiter. The pain and anguish you are feeling emanate from your words. I feel so badly for what you have gone through. I read your profile and you are still listed as "married". Were you able to forgive your husband for his infidelity? I did not check to see what other threads you may have started. Perhaps I should do that. I hope you are well and getting some healing out of life. Bless you for sharing with us.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

For me personally as a BS,infidelity became a catalyst to refortify the walls to protect myself.I chose divorce.I knew in my heart of hearts that no matter how much I may have wanted it to work,my instinct to survive with minimal pain was stronger.The wall between her and I became too strong to ever come completely down again.Logically to me I couldn't compartmentalize that the infidelity was unique to her so I became more wary in my ensuing relationships.Relationships...yes,because taking a chance to be all in again with my heart became a thing of the past.Not everyone is willing to settle for that.So here I sit feeling safer,yet a little more solitary and a little less fulfilled.It's hard to be contrary to what I assume is human nature to want to belong somewhere and with someone,but it's also my nature to protect myself.

So I can't really speak to what my ex may or may not have lost.Only she really knows.As for me,it's not really so much about what I've lost,but what I stopped allowing myself out of fear.

Still changing everyday though.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Cloaked said:


> I have been struggling to put words to the feeling I have. I understand I lost a lot of respect, love, trust. I can't figure out what "died" in me with my opinion of my WS.
> 
> I'm sure this feeling is common among other BS. So to get other peoples point of might help me understand what this feeling is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go get a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup and then get a bottle of the fake Walmart stuff, taste them, the Walmart stuff is close to chocolate and tastes o.k., now taste the hershey's that is the real stuff holy sh1t can't get enough.
Your WS is now the Walsmart stuff, used to be hershey's but after the infidelity never gonna be that good.
Side by side they may look similar but the reality is one is a cheap copy of the real thing, to everyone else they may even be the same but to you who had the real thing it's just not you will always know and feel the difference.
Your love, marriage everything is not the same as it was, you long for that old taste when you couldn't get enough now sometimes it is really good and other times not as sweet.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> I think, when we learn to trust ourselves and build the confidence that we can survive and find happiness alone, we then have the ability, emotionally, to share our lives with others. I don't know if that'a possible for all of us. I'm hurt deeply and like you, TBT, have built walls to defend from that pain. It is not as rewarding as vulnerability. Vulnerability is overrated, though. * I think we can be as vulnerable as needed* and still protect ourselves wisely. Just my guess.


Some in a relationship take advantage of vulnerability in my opinion 2nt,so you can get unequal footing as far as dependance is concerned.Having sloughed off most of my innocence over the years I realize there are limits to what I'm willing to offer in terms of vulnerability.Finding someone of similar give and take is hard to find but I know they can be.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

********** said:


> Provocative question Cloaked.
> 
> On D-day my other half, my best friend, my protector and soulmate, the man I once knew, disappeared without a trace never to return. Dramatic? No. Reality? Yes.
> 
> ...



I was going to post but ********** said it so beautifully.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I believe it was the loss of innocence.
> ...the one thing that is gone forever is innocence.


when I read that it just hit me.that's the one thing I've been morning the lose of this entire time and didn't know it. Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

Gonnabealright said:


> Both my parents are dead and my ws hurt me much more.


Hmmmm. That brings up an interesting thought. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/166569-where-would-you-rate-severity-emotional-pain-caused-infidelity.html#post7038113
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

love=pain said:


> Go get a bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup and then get a bottle of the fake Walmart stuff, taste them, the Walmart stuff is close to chocolate and tastes o.k., now taste the hershey's that is the real stuff holy sh1t can't get enough.
> Your WS is now the Walsmart stuff, used to be hershey's but after the infidelity never gonna be that good.
> Side by side they may look similar but the reality is one is a cheap copy of the real thing, to everyone else they may even be the same but to you who had the real thing it's just not you will always know and feel the difference.
> Your love, marriage everything is not the same as it was, you long for that old taste when you couldn't get enough now sometimes it is really good and other times not as sweet.


Yep. But I decided to toss the walmart totally, and go find some Godiva. 

When I discovered what I married, it rocked me to my foundation. But it also allowed me to discover just how strong I am. I firmly believe that within 5years, it will be the best thing that ever happened to me.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> Hmmmm. That brings up an interesting thought.
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ional-pain-caused-infidelity.html#post7038113
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I deleted my post. I didn't answer your question. You wanted to know what WS loses from BS's opinion of them. The BS loses the marriage and if they do what TAM members suggest in an honest attempt to reconcile, they often lose the respect of all of their family, kids and friends after seeing and knowing what the truth of the WS's actions are unless the WS chooses to take the actions the BS is offering. If the WS agrees there is a chance of regaining the respect they lost.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Fenix said:


> Yep. But I decided to toss the walmart totally, and go find some Godiva.
> 
> When I discovered what I married, it rocked me to my foundation. *But it also allowed me to discover just how strong I am. I firmly believe that within 5years, it will be the best thing that ever happened to me.*


That's how I feel as well. The best thing that ever happened was my then FI cheating on me, because I got the hell out of that relationship, one that we had been in for almost 11 years. To answer the OP's question, once I found out, I lost every single once of trust I had in him, without which there is no sane relationship. 
With the trust gone, I REFUSED to live my life wondering if...he wasn't with me, was he with another woman, if he didn't answer his phone, was he with another women. Nope, no way was I going to live my life that way for one minute. As soon as I found out, I was DONE, he killed the love I had for him, I told him to get the hell out & never come back. 

Flash forward over a year later, I met my now husband. Our mutual deal breakers are only 2, cheating and abuse, everything else is negotiable and worth saving our marriage over. To us, if one of us cheats, then there is no reason to save the marriage, as the other gave away what we held scared to each other.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

What did she lose from me?

The look of pure love, that special glow that would radiate from my face to hers... 
and the twinkle in my eye whenever I'd look into hers.

Gone and never to return.
Replaced by a dull stare into nothingness.

I learned that whomever your WS was before you found out about
their A is soon buried alive in your heart, forever. 

They did the digging and put themselves in the grave, while you can do
nothing but sit there and watch, while mourning the loss.

RIP former self.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Cloaked said:


> when I read that it just hit me.that's the one thing I've been morning the lose of this entire time and didn't know it. Thank you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too Cloaked


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Gee Cloaked - you sure started something.

You asked a simple question which stopped all of us in our tracks. What followed was an outpouring of raw grief that I have not seen the like of in any other thread. 

There was no disagreement, no suggestions for how it might be fixed, no talk of snoopng, 180, MC, IC and all the devices we use when the bomb hits. 

Because there was nothing to be said. 

I too think Cloaked that Mrs JA came closest. The loss is a loss of innocence, that lightness of being that's gone forever. 

Your question made me realise that I have always denied to myself that I was damaged and changed forever. 
But I am. 
I always thought I would get back to who I was before. 
But I won't. 

Nobody ever became innocent again having lost it.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Good point, **********. It is thought provoking to focus on this one aspect of betrayal.

What that loss of innocence changed in me is a hardened attitude with a vow to never be anybody's fool again. The thought of a committed relationship scares me right now.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> They did the digging and put themselves in the grave, while you can do
> nothing but sit there and watch, while mourning the loss.


profound.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I lost my trust in her. I have regained most of it, but it will never be 100% like it was.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> We had a successful R. She did every thing righ. Without the resources of internet; I have no idea how she knew all the correct steps to take but it was textbook.


 I think that indicates a deep, heartfelt remorse and the bravery and humility to face her failings. That is a rare thing.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

The safety and security I once enjoyed with the husband is nonexistent. The connection and attachment I thought was there appears to only have been one-sided.

I miss looking forward to the future with him because it's no longer a give.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Cloaked said:


> I have been struggling to put words to the feeling I have. I understand I lost a lot of respect, love, trust. I can't figure out what "died" in me with my opinion of my WS.


For me, it isn’t so specific to her. It was my ‘belief’ in “us” and her role in being the other half of this whole entity. Way beyond just trust and respect. It’s that before, no matter how bad things got, I believed in us. 

Those things all were shattered: A “union of two souls” called “us”. Now I just see her and I: Two individuals rather than one entity. That is the loss I feel as much as I think I might feel the loss of a limb I’d once relied upon. She might restore herself of a person I respect and trust, but seeing us as one entity is gone. I will always know, there is some circumstance or limit she’ll reach and act out in a entirely self-centered way regardless of this other half. 

So, you have acknowledge the reality and work on yourself so you are whole by yourself and do not rely on her to “complete you”. Sad, but you can’t indulge the fantasy anymore. She will not always watch out for you and protect you like you are a part of her being. Your dreams and hopes of “us” died with the betrayal.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I believe it was the loss of innocence.
> 
> ..but the one thing that is gone forever is innocence. If only I could undo what I have done...the same thing he wishes everyday of his life.


This is it for me. Even though I am relatively "okay" and my wife is very remorseful....and even though are R is going pretty well.....there is something missing that haunts me daily. The innocence of our marriage is gone and nothing will bring it back. The foundation of our life together was broken and even though we can fix it to be stable again, it will always have a crack running through it.

Thats probably the saddest thing for me. I lost that special feeling of being the only man she would ever love and make love to. She lost the "pureness" I would see in her as the woman I loved. She is tarnished as well as our marriage.

I always saw it as us against the world, standing side by side or back to back to fight whatever life threw at us. She was my heart and my soul, I would die for her. Now, shes someone who I cant trust to be back to back because one day she may feel the need to put the knife back in.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> It seems that to be in a pair relationship is to be utterly vulnerable


Yes, no matter what a BS decides or has decided to do. Being vulnerable is not a bad thing. Does it involve pain? Yes. I've been a master at running and hiding from pain.

I'm working on that, and I'm in R. It is hard work but we all make our choices. Mine is not being made out of convenience, fear, laziness. I'm facing the pain dealing with it all. 

I haven't lost anything in my "opinion" of my WH. Sounds strange. He had always been "perfect" to everyone. Well welcome to the human race. Today and I'll say it's day by day. I experience a range of emotions, deep love is one of them. 

Right now no matter how things proceed. I'll know I've come to know, love and understand him better so that is what he and this has "given" me.

BTW I'm normally a cynical jaded person. I'm losing that part that doesn't serve me at all. It's been my fake armor.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> For me, thoughts of any relationship scare me.


I hear ya.

Think I'll get another couple of dogs and settle into singlehood.

I can't imagine trusting someone again. The level of deceit and lies and hurt I've been subjected to has put a scar on my soul I don't know I'll ever recover from.

And it seems from the tens of thousands of posts on TAM alone, my experience is not unique.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

I guess I'm different in that I know that there are plenty of good,
loving women out there who would bend over backwards to be
with a man such as myself.

My xww's affair destroyed me but I know that if I'm to ever experience
true love again, I have to be able to trust again. It doesn't scare me
any longer because I'm in control of my feelings and crave that connection
with someone who wants, needs and deserves my love.

If it takes months or years to find it, so be it... but I know it's out there and
I don't think it's fair to discriminate against other women based on what my
xww did to me with her terrible decision making.

I've learned from my mistakes and don't fear anything like I fear being alone
for the rest of my life. I have too much to offer someone and I'm ready to prove
it to the right woman again. 

Some day.


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## CaptainLOTO (Nov 6, 2013)

The list of what was lost is almost endless. It's been 5 years and I see things in my everyday life that have their roots in her infidelity.

When the kids tell me something (they're great kids and never get in trouble) but I'm skeptical.

When my parents speak to me, I assume the tragedy that I experienced and hid may be something they struggled with as well.

Every human who I thought I knew is now seen as a mask. Conceptually, the idea that we put a mask on for the world was one that I'd always accepted but now it is internalized so that I NEVER assume anyone is being completely truthful with me.

I've been working at about 10-20% of my capacity for 5 years. Fortunately, my reputation and bursts of brilliance is keeping me from financial ruin but for how long?

All this because the person whom I trusted with my very life and soul, whom I would have willingly laid down my life turned out to be a complete facade. The paradigm of how the world works was shattered. I took the blue pill but instead of waking up in the real world with NERO-like powers, I ended up in a parallel universe where everyone operates purely on self-interest, nothing is real and therefore, nothing really matters (work, engage with people, eat, workout - none of it really means anything so why bother.)

It's not about what my WS's opinion of me - that doesn't matter either. It's the fact that I now see reality as it really is and it generally sucks.

And YES, I'm still married to my serial cheater. Shortly after our 2nd or 3rd effort at reconciliation (to which she only gave lip service), I was prepared to finally divorce her. That's when she was diagnosed with Cancer and I couldn't divorce the mother of my 3 teenagers at the same time she was diagnosed with cancer. So, I'm essentially stuck for the moment.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

CaptainLOTO said:


> All this because the person whom I trusted with my very life and soul, whom I would have willingly laid down my life turned out to be a complete facade. The paradigm of how the world works was shattered. I took the blue pill but instead of waking up in the real world with NERO-like powers, I ended up in a parallel universe where everyone operates purely on self-interest, nothing is real and therefore, nothing really matters (work, engage with people, eat, workout - none of it really means anything so why bother.)


This. 
I'm afraid I'll feel like this...jaded...for the rest of my life. And it's true. All of it. It's hard sometimes not to just break down and say "To hell with it" and just play the same game as everyone else is. It would be slightly comforting to stop giving a damn.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

It's incredible how betrayal changes everything. You see it on TV and your are like, meh, it's not that big of a deal. Either you split or you don't right? Bu!!$hit. It's so much more complex.

What did she lose, well, she lost a lot resprect. She lost all my trust. The trust will come back over time, but not to what it was like. I'll never respect her like I did. 

Back in the days before fire, I took comfort in the fact she loved me and only me and would be with me forever. She would be that one person that would share everything with me. All of my joys would be her joys and in times of pain I would always have someone to turn to that could just be there for me. 

Then the fire came. She betrayed me in order to experience some fleeting rush. She traded a lifetime of togetherness for cheap thrills. 

We did reconcile. But it's different now. If i take Joy in something, she can come along for the ride, but I'm not waiting on her. I went through a great deal of pain that caused. She can try to comfort me, but it seems empty. 

She lost the ability to tell me something and have me take it at face value. She lost my expectation that she will always be there for me. She lost the desire on my part to put her needs in front of my own.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

Acoa you hit it very much nothing will be the same or complete. They are there but anything that could bring me joy in the future will not mean anything as much as it once would have. Nothing can be taken at face value again. Even if they express happiness for something I do, any amount of support I might need will not mean as much or have the same degree of fulfilling the basic need for another person in my life that gets it with me. I will always have to be taking inventory to see if they are really meaning what they say or just trying to pacify me. I don't have to wait for them or bring them along anymore we are separate no longer one blessed by God in marriage.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Excellent thought

My most recent history with very stbxw highlights my experience and answers to this 

two weeks before xmas we were 20 months after dday / split 
(serial cheat) - we are done and dusted (or so I thought) 

Since Aug we had found (my initiating) a new found amicability , for the children, 
Just before xmas we were heading 'happily' towards divorce.
Suddenly from nowhere she "I want to come home I know how much I love you, my mistakes" etc etc

Over the past years every time she wanted to come back, be back together I had been desperate for it needed it. However unblinded by her presence in my current 'new' life, this unexpected situation suddenly left me in control complete control of what I wanted. 

Sure I did find annoyingly that my heart fluttered and "could we? is it possible" etc etc BUT moreover I found myself asking the question you are asking in your opening post.

On that day I looked at her and found myself running on 'empty' and as a temporary window, from her, of honesty revealed some new more recent revelations about her and om's time together allied with my last few years with her I found myself squirming in my chair wondering how I could form any kind of attachment to her. There was a physically strong pull still there - we clearly still wanted to bonk each other silly (which I did not allow!) but inside mentally I found myself almost repulsed by her 

the respect was zero 
the 'friendship' was absent 
the 'soul mate' aspect that was always there even when we split up before was missing
hearing her say "I still love you" for the very first time ever since I met her did not make me tingle, make me tremor. My heart did not skip a beat although it did say "come on we can still do this"

*All in all - the connection had died * (from me anyway)

I also kept saying to myself "you don't fking deserve me" here you are still with someone else and in fact doing the same to him (although beautifully he deserved it !!) and wanting to come "home" to me, the 'other man' this time 

This made me realize exactly what I had been in love with all these years - this terrible, selfish, unremorseful damaged barsteward who thinks only about herself. I think the time away from her has given me a 'reality' perspective about her that 'love' had always clouded over. Did I want the same life I had with her before ? No no and no thanks again

I can still get along fine with her, somehow that episode which cleared so much up between us has allowed me to be congenial, friendly even, but now _indifferent_ 'whatever' 

If somebody now asked me about my "opinion" of her - I'd respectfully not comment! 
(well it would take too long to answer for one thing!)


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: What do WS lose from their BS's opinion of them?*



jupiter13 said:


> Acoa you hit it very much nothing will be the same or complete. They are there but anything that could bring me joy in the future will not mean anything as much as it once would have. Nothing can be taken at face value again. Even if they express happiness for something I do, any amount of support I might need will not mean as much or have the same degree of fulfilling the basic need for another person in my life that gets it with me. I will always have to be taking inventory to see if they are really meaning what they say or just trying to pacify me. I don't have to wait for them or bring them along anymore we are separate no longer one blessed by God in marriage.


....agree. Instances of possible future joyous occurrences will ...to me ...always be diminished ...however little that may become as time passes.

.....looked at a beautiful sunset several years ago ...enjoyed it for a milli-second ...then I thought ( as tears welled up in my eyes ) ..." I remember when this was breathtaking".


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Being able to believe even the inconsequential, insignificant things that he says. (Him: "The sky is pretty blue today." Me: "Oh is it?" *Looks out the window and sees clouds.* "Fvcking liar!"). 

Making plans for the future, without the clause in my head of "if we're still together." This extends to anything such as trips, household purchases like furniture... everything.

Just the awe. There was admiration there before that isn't there now. 

I still do a lot of "loving" things that I did before. However they are just habits now and don't mean anything like they used to.

I go through the motions of intimacy when we kiss, talk, cuddle, have sex but the wall around my heart leaves a lot to be desired. 

We are still here but we're gone forever. Everything looks the same but nothing is.


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