# Recently separated



## Claire214 (Nov 10, 2019)

My husband told me he no longer loved me in August after 19 years together and we agreed to separate. I found out yesterday that he is sleeping with someone else and whilst we are separated it doesn’t stop it hurting, I don’t get how he can go sleep with someone else so soon after us splitting up. Sorry for the blurb I’m just so cut up and hoping for some support through this site.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I know it doesn't help any but this situation is EXTREMELY common. The separation is the hall pass (like it or not) to move on. 

Think he had her in the background before you two split ?


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## Claire214 (Nov 10, 2019)

He says not and only started speaking to her after he moved out. I think what’s frustrating is we went to relate counselling to work things through during the same time he was speaking with her. Just feel a complete fool for trusting him and not sure how I move on as well. I’m stuck in the house whilst we sell it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The truth is that it really doesn't matter in the end and will only serve to scramble your brains trying to figure it out.

I have seen a lot of people swim in the depths of hell while they dwell on it. Try not to be that person. You will only hurt yourself.

It is tough, it is for everyone. What you do with the left over pieces will determine a lot about your future. 

Keep your head held high and trust in yourself always.


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## Claire214 (Nov 10, 2019)

*Trying to get through each day*

So we separated in August after 19 years together and I thought I’d accepted it but he went and slept with someone else last week.
He wants to remain friends with me but I can’t see how that is possible I feel as if he has cheated on me. I’m guessing I was holding out some hope that we would get back together.
I’d started OLD but there are a lot of creepy men out there who think it’s appropriate to tell me what to do in the first message. I think I need to take a break from that and work how my life is going to be from now on.
trouble is all I’m thinking about is how could he do this to me and how could he sleep with someone else so quickly. I’m absolutely devastated and just can’t see a way forward.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Trying to get through each day*



Claire214 said:


> So we separated in August after 19 years together and I thought I’d accepted it but he went and slept with someone else last week.
> He wants to remain friends with me but I can’t see how that is possible I feel as if he has cheated on me. I’m guessing I was holding out some hope that we would get back together.
> I’d started OLD but there are a lot of creepy men out there who think it’s appropriate to tell me what to do in the first message. I think I need to take a break from that and work how my life is going to be from now on.
> trouble is all I’m thinking about is how could he do this to me and how could he sleep with someone else so quickly. I’m absolutely devastated and just can’t see a way forward.


A bit confused; you were in the OLD game at the same time he slept with someone else? What prevented the opposite scenario from happening... you finding and sleeping with someone first? It sounds like you were both resigned to infidelity prior to divorce. He just got to it more quickly. What am I missing?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Trying to get through each day*

A couple things sound confusing.



Claire214 said:


> all I’m thinking about is how could he do this to me and how could he sleep with someone else so quickly.


This sounds like two different charges you're making against him, but the only thing you told us about was that he slept with someone last week. So, what else is it you feel he did to you? You gave us no other details, nothing about the reason for the separation or anything.

The other thing is that you've been OLD, yet you're angry that he slept with someone. So, you were moving on until your knowledge of him set you back. But honestly, I don't see the difference.

I also don't necessarily see it as cheating from his perspective. You and he are over, so why do you call it cheating? People on public forums like this say its cheating because, you know, there's this purity standard that exists among anonymous strangers. But there's really no way to know how many have done or would do the same. The average person wouldn't see any reason to wait 3 months to a year or longer before becoming involved with someone even if their involvement is not serious or just a ONS. Most people do it because, to them, the marriage is over. That is, until they're sitting in the judgment seat of others. It is, of course, morally the best practice to wait until the divorce is final. I'm just saying those going through it at the time feel it is ended and so they feel they are free to do as they please, which is the way you apparently felt. So, if you and he are separated, what's the difference? You were trying to do the same thing. I'm not saying you were looking for someone to sleep with because I don't know that for certain, but you were in the process of moving on with your life by actively looking for someone else. So I don't get it.

I know you're sad, and I know people, we women especially, have this imaginary expanse of time before our ex can start seeing someone new. But please know that's it's just your imagination. Over is over. Nobody has an internal time-lapse clock to know when it's okay to move on. Some people do it right away because it helps them get over the doldrums that the breakup caused. Others take longer. There is no written or understood formula.

I hope you feel better soon or are able to meet someone that helps you to feel better. And I think you're right that there are an awful lot of creeps out there on dating sites. Just be careful because some who don't initially seem like creeps can still turn out to be the worst creeps of all. Or do the moral thing and wait until the ink is dry like you feel he should have done. Otherwise, you will be cheating on him. In the meantime, try taking St. John's Wort to help you feel better.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

*Re: Trying to get through each day*

:::My husband told me he no longer loved me in August after 19 years together and we agreed to separate.:::::

The above is from your other thread.

After the agreement he decided to move on. I know it is tough to swallow but it just is what it is.

Like I said in the other thread .... How you pick yourself up and carry on will determine your future.

Try not to dwell on him and what he does. It's a black hole ......dont get sucked in !!!


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## Claire214 (Nov 10, 2019)

[/quote]A bit confused; you were in the OLD game at the same time he slept with someone else? What prevented the opposite scenario from happening... you finding and sleeping with someone first? It sounds like you were both resigned to infidelity prior to divorce. He just got to it more quickly. What am I missing?[/QUOTE]
It’s how I feel it’s not meant to be technically what happened, I know we are separated and he is entitled to move on as am I, it’s horrible hearing that he has after such a short time.
Whilst yes I was on OLD it was to see what it was all about having been with the same person for 19 years it’s difficult to put myself out there in the first place. I wouldn’t be rushing into bed with anyone I’ve only ever been with my ex.
He told me he no longer loved me and I had to agree that we had drifted apart just doesn’t stop it hurting any less.


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## Claire214 (Nov 10, 2019)

I should have added we were childhood sweethearts not that it changes the outcome just hopefully puts things into perspective to others as to why I’m struggling with the transition.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Trying to get through each day*



Claire214 said:


> > A bit confused; you were in the OLD game at the same time he slept with someone else? What prevented the opposite scenario from happening... you finding and sleeping with someone first? It sounds like you were both resigned to infidelity prior to divorce. He just got to it more quickly. What am I missing?
> 
> 
> It’s how I feel it’s not meant to be technically what happened, I know we are separated and he is entitled to move on as am I, it’s horrible hearing that he has after such a short time.
> ...


Yes, I'm sure that hurt quite a lot. I wish you guys had decided to work on things rather than end it. Based on what he said, it sounds like he'd been thinking about it and probably checked out long before the actual separation and probably anxious to move on. I'm sorry this happened to you. 19 years is a long time to throw away.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Claire214, I'm so very sorry to hear you are hurting. I know exactly what you're experiencing. 

My ex and I were married 19 years when he too told me that we'd grown too far apart and he was no longer in love with me. No doubt he had long since checked out but he did have someone waiting in the wings to make his transition out of married life smooth. He too wanted to stay friends. Dollars to donuts your husband was seeing someone before he asked for the divorce. 

From experience, your transition is going to test your endurance and strength like nothing else you've ever experienced. Whether for better or for worse, your life is about to radically change. You need to focus on the things you can control and find ways to let him go. Focus on self improvement. 

The best thing I did to help me move on was to take the lead on the divorce. I recommend you do so as well. 

I also recommend you limit your interactions with your ex to only talking about the kids, money, and the divorce. Don't ask him about his day or what he's up to, and whatever you do, do not talk about your relationship. That's dead and buried. Nothing he says will help you find closure. Trust me on this. 

Surround yourself with your supportive friends and family. Look to them when you are in a funk or tempted to play the mind movies. 

And lastly, do not go searching for another man to take his place. You'll most likely end up with someone worse because you're in no place to enter another relationship. 

Get divorced, get some therapy, get used to living alone. 

If you're anything like me, learning to be alone (unpaired) will be really difficult because you've been with your ex most of your adult life but you have to do it. Statistically, the likelihood of finding another person for a long term relationship is really low. It's best if you accept you will live the remainder of your life without expectations. If you're lucky and you end up in another long term relationship, then great! If not, then you are no worse off.


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## Claire214 (Nov 10, 2019)

[/QUOTE] I wish you guys had decided to work on things rather than end it. 19 years is a long time to throw away.[/QUOTE]

We did try we even went to relate but it too late he had already made up his mind. He was already speaking to someone else by the time we went to the 2nd session.
As you say he had already checked out long before he told me.
It’s like he is friends with her on Facebook and he used to make a big deal about not adding people they had to add him but he added her. He is just constantly lying about stuff and being a complete idiot (refrain from saying something stronger!) trouble is I’ve got to stay in touch whilst we sell the house.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Trying to get through each day*



Lila said:


> @Claire214...Statistically, the likelihood of finding another person for a long term relationship is really low. It's best if you accept you will live the remainder of your life without expectations. If you're lucky and you end up in another long term relationship, then great! If not, then you are no worse off.


Is that really true, that statistically your odds are low of finding happiness again (assuming you had it before) in another long term relationship? That sounds so cold and harsh. And people aren't just statistics anyway. Reading your own posts & story I have to believe you're (speaking of @Lila here) going to find someone who has great appreciation and respect for what you have to offer in a relationship. I do understand the concept of keeping low expectations to avoid disappointment, and further that jumping back into the game too quickly likely isn't a good idea because you might be vulnerable. Not enough self-respect maybe? 

But I want to believe there's hope for those who feel like they've left their best years on the table and are thinking of facing the future on their own. I want to believe that there are a lot of real catches out there, good people, very good people, who were left behind by someone not so good. If you know what I mean. 

But I've not been there. I don't know what it's like. I'm just hopeful that it's not quite as described. My heart really goes out to @Claire214 and @Lila.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > @Claire214...Statistically, the likelihood of finding another person for a long term relationship is really low. It's best if you accept you will live the remainder of your life without expectations. If you're lucky and you end up in another long term relationship, then great! If not, then you are no worse off.
> ...


I'll start another thread so not to thread jack this one.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Why the separation?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Claire214 said:


> My husband told me he no longer loved me in August after 19 years together and we agreed to separate. I found out yesterday that he is sleeping with someone else and whilst we are separated it doesn’t stop it hurting, I don’t get how he can go sleep with someone else so soon after us splitting up. Sorry for the blurb I’m just so cut up and hoping for some support through this site.


 @Claire214, your husband is/was cheating on you.

You should see a solicitor who specialises in divorce.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Dating/seeing someone else while in counseling only seeks to undermine the whole purpose of it. Chances are he may have developed this interest in someone else prior to the separation, which is also very common.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Trying to get through each day*

Communication about selling the house is something that’s necessary but his sex life obviously isn’t part of that discussion. Or shouldn’t be. If he brought the subject up, tell him you don’t need to hear it. If you brought the subject up, you need to resist the temptation to ask. 

Yes, this is very difficult to deal with and it takes time to come to terms with it all. You need to totally focus on you and not him. And, most of all, don’t hold onto hope that he’ll change his mind. That will keep you from moving forward.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Claire214 said:


> He says not and only started speaking to her after he moved out. I think what’s frustrating is we went to relate counselling to work things through during the same time he was speaking with her. Just feel a complete fool for trusting him and not sure how I move on as well. I’m stuck in the house whilst we sell it.


Did his nose grow long when he was saying this? He probably started this long before he left. It hurts of course but now you must

1. go to counselling for yourself
2. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself
3. Tell all family and friends what has happened, about Relate and that he is sleeping with someone else (don't let him get a way with it, shame him)
4 Do the 180 so that you detach and move on
5. Have you kids?
6. Ensure you get a good lawyer, get every penny you can out of him. Do not go easy out of a false sense of love or loyalty, he has none for you at all.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Claire214 said:


> My husband told me he no longer loved me in August after 19 years together and we agreed to separate. I found out yesterday that he is sleeping with someone else and whilst we are separated it doesn’t stop it hurting, I don’t get how he can go sleep with someone else so soon after us splitting up. Sorry for the blurb I’m just so cut up and hoping for some support through this site.


*Truth be known, common sense would dictate that your H was probably already sleeping with the OW prior to the separation!

Get a good family attorney and take him to the cleaners!*


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@Claire214 Your husband didn't meet a woman as soon as the separation was in place. The separation happened SO he could move in with a woman he was already carrying on with. Don't let him take you as a fool. You are a trusting person, and want to believe in him. Know this: cheaters never tell the truth, sometimes not even when they are caught red handed.

Let the slimy cheaters have each other. Their fantasy relationship won't last. I'd suggest that you divorce him and start your life fresh without him. Do you have a lawyer yet?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Claire214 said:


> My husband told me he no longer loved me in August after 19 years together and we agreed to separate. I found out yesterday that he is sleeping with someone else and whilst we are separated it doesn’t stop it hurting, I don’t get how he can go sleep with someone else so soon after us splitting up. Sorry for the blurb I’m just so cut up and hoping for some support through this site.


Yeah, I already *knew* he had someone else by the time I read the *first* sentence in your post about how you separated due to his claim of not loving you anymore. So I wasn't surprised at all when I got to your 2nd sentence talking about his 'someone else.' And I'm also not surprised that the two slime balls are trying to save face by claiming they didn't meet until AFTER you separated. Sure they didn't.

From everything I've ever seen, heard, lived or read, most men DON'T leave their marriages just because they're unhappy or have fallen out of love with their wives. They don't leave. Most will stay out of a sense of responsibility to family, or they'll stay because they don't want to look like the bad guy or a failure to friends, family and co-workers, some will stay because they don't want their children to 'hate' them for leaving, and lots of them stay for FINANCIAL reasons - they don't want to split assets or lose future retirement funds or pay alimony, etc. etc.

But *rarely* do they walk out the door simply because they've 'fallen out of love' with their wife - unless someone is waiting for them on the other side.

And she was waiting for him, OP. Sure as the sun rises in the morning, he was involved with this woman *before* he ever left your marriage.

The *liar* can claim all he WANTS that he didn't meet her until after he left. He's a LIAR trying not to look like the bad guy, is all. And if you have kids, that's another reason he's lying - he doesn't want his kids to know what slime balls these two are. Another reason he's lying to you is that he doesn't want you ANGRY when it comes to you being agreeable to the property settlement agreement in your divorce. So of *course* he's going to lie to you in order to keep you calm.

Get to a lawyer NOW and find out just how *much* you can screw this POS with your pants still on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen.

In all likelihood, this started as an affair. Your marriage just got in the way of his fling, so he ejected you and your marriage. It's that simple. I say that having gone through it - so I know that it sucks and I know that it's devastating and disorienting and makes you question everything.

I sat there searching for "why" for months as my ex wife pretended it was a "trial separation" to "get some space" but I soon found out, like you, that it was actually totally over and she had moved on before we actually separated. That everything she really ever told me was a lie, and everything I believed in with her was a lie.

One day, I started to act. My mom literally brought me a binder with a bunch of lawyer's names in it, I picked one, and called. And started to write down the things I needed to do:

1. make an appointment with the lawyer
2. draw up some kind of fair draft property separation agreement, so think about what I wanted and didn't want
3. open my own bank account, redirect my checks there, and make a copy of all the bank transactions since we separated (she had been totally emptying our joint account)
4. list our condo for sale (she had been living there and I was paying the bills. So I stopped paying the bills and called a realtor to assess the condo. That got her attention that the free ride was over)

I got the ball rolling on that all in one day. I also got a bunch of books on how to divorce, joined a divorce support group, told my boss, all my friends, and all my family that I was done with the marriage.

And then it started to be done! I felt so much better when I stopped trying to figure out how the person I loved and believed in could totally undermine and destroy the life of someone she claimed to love, but at the end of the day, people that do this have no integrity and do it because they want to. And that's all you really need to know as far as their thought processes are concerned.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Claire214

I merged both of your threads since they are on the same topic. You will get better replies this way.


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