# why should I have to lose everything?



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Spoke with H today regarding the house, he wants us to be able to get out of it, so we can afford to set up our own households. So ok, I guess we have to look into selling, not being given much choice. I have 6 dogs that I adore, they are my childrens pets. I contacted the human society today, gonna have to start rehoming them because at this point, there is no marriage to save, as he said he doesn't believe in marriage anymore. 

So then I am sitting here thinking, why do I have to lose everything because he wants to be happy? I cannot live out here on my own, even when I do get a job and combined with child support, with all of the utilities, and upkeep, there is no way. I mean, I want him to be happy with or without me. But why do I have to lose our pets? Why do I have to now look into section 8 housing, and find a place to live, that will more than likely be a cramped little apartment? He says he wants what is best for all of us, how is him living in a little apt, not seeing his kids everyday best for him? Everything he wants to do, he could still do with his family. I am not sitting here pining for the marriage btw, I am just really getting angry because me and my children now have to give up everything cuz daddy doesn't see a reconciliation. This is me more venting than anything. I do love him enough to let him go, which is what I am doing. I am just angry, because we now have to find a way to get rid of our home, our little hobby farm. 

This farm girl now has to move into town, we lived in town the first few years of marriage, and I hated it. I can't take any of my pups with me, the one that is hardest is my big baby lab. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I have already lost my marriage, why do I have to lose my furbabies to? I shouldn't have to lose everything, it is just not fair that my life here should have to end because he can't see what the right thing is to do. I will do it, because I am not being given a choice, I cannot force someone to stay with or love me, I have accepted that. He wants out, I have no choice but to accept that, now maybe there could be a slim chance that he could turn around, but I am not putting money on it. Just the anger of me and my children having to drastically change our lives is consuming me at this very minute, sorry for the rant.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Were you the one that had the affair or him?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

both, he first, EA, an EA/PA, and now another EA twice with same girl. Myself an EA/PA same time as his. Now I know what you are thinking, but most people on here know my story. If you want to take the time look through my past threads.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

You say it is a hobby farm. I take it that means there is a small amount of acreage. Is there possibly enough acreage that you can sell a piece of it to raise enough money to keep the rest? Maybe a cheaper piece of land somewhere around? Maybe there are some options that allow you to keep your horses and dogs. 

You're right. It does suck that you and the children have to give up the farm life because of your husband's refusal to give up the OW. I am sorry you are having to go through that.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

You have 3 horses, is that right? How big of a barn? Could you board other people's horses there? My kids would love a horse, but we don't have a place for one. I'm sure there are many in that situation that wouldn't mind paying some boarding fees for a place to keep thier horse. Just thinking of ways you could keep it, regardless of what your husband does.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Paramore, I'm so very sorry. Why do you have to sell your house? I'm certain with the number of kids you have, your husband's infidelity, your kids being in school, etc. that no judge would force you to give up yours and you childrens' home. You should file for the divorce - request child support and for your H to make half the house payment (at least). The judge may put in a stipulation that if you remarry or sell the house that your husband will get half of the proceeds from the sale. I don't know about the area you live in, but the housing market here is not good. Even if you were to sell your house, the value may have decreased such that it would not pay off the mortgage, depending upon how much equity you have. You may be better off to stay where you are. I heard on the radio recently that rent prices have skyrocketed due to the market being flooded by people losing their homes, etc. 

You should go see a lawyer and see what his recommendations are. Don't agree to anything until you do. 

I certainly understand the tragedy of losing animals that are like family members. You nor your children should have to do that. Since your husband caused this situation, it's his responsibility to see that his children have a place to live, etc. Please speak with a reputable attorney to get his advice. Best of luck to you.

P.S. Do you live close to a college? Perhaps you could find a reliable college student to move in w/you for room and board that could help you with child care and getting your kids to and fro. Just a thought. Things will work out Paramore.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Got it. Not pre-judging. Just asking the question first. Yeah, if you both are equally guilty, which it sounds like you are, it isn't fair that you take the brunt of it in this manner. There are some great suggestions above. Maybe one of those will work.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

We have a first and second mortgage on it, and there is no way with me not having much for job skills, I have watched children in center settings/out of my home since I was 21 years old. There is no way between mortgages, utilities, upkeep I could afford it. There is no way he could afford child support and his half of the bills, and afford to live on his own. He is living rent free in his sisters basement right now, and is still paying everything here with me. He just wants out of the house so he can get his own place, as he doesn't want to mooch off his sister. I am not sure how the market is here, I have gotten in touch with the bank to explore options, and I have put a phone call into my bro in law who is a realtor, and hopefully see what he says. Hurt, our barn is little, and I am not sure if I could break up the land, that is something I suppose I could look into, def a possibility, not even sure who I'd contact to see if i could break up a small acreage. I'd be happy with one or two of the 6 acres.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Get a lawyer now Para. Don't worry about him or his need for an apartment. Let the Judge decide. If he's destitute and has to live with his sister so what. GET A LAWYER.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Here's the kicker, I can't afford a lawyer, I have called one, but unfortunately they need over 1k to just start the process. I mean, I am more than willing to get a job, I don't know if a judge would make him continue to pay for a house that he does not live in, I mean obviously he would be responsible for all of the bills we incurred together, I mean both of us would, I will call a few more tomorrow, not so much to start proceedings, but to see what my options are. Only reason i have not looked for a job is because I watch two kids right now, I was going to ride it out, and about beginning of July start looking for jobs when my son starts kindegarden in the fall. I don't think it makes sense to get a job, where I'd have to pay at least 400 dollars a month in daycare. I have no issues getting back into the job market, and am actually looking forward to it, just seems to make most sense to ride it out for the summer and start a brand new job when the little one starts school.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Check with your parents. My dad had a family lawyer he used for years. I started using him 30 years ago. He treat me very fair and doesn't charge so much. In any event , you can't do anything about the house without legal support.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

This I agree on, I am waiting "just in case" to see what the bank says some of our options could be. I did do some looking around, I would be eligible for a decent amt if I could get on sec 8 housing, get a nice little 3 bedroom trailer out where my parents live. It is a nice little trailer court, but no dogs, between income and child support, it would be a nice little place. Definately possible. Kicker is, when I spoke with my vet, and the local humane society, they both agreed it would probably be most humane to put my older 3 dogs down, they are 10, 11, and 14, I do not think they would do well in a shelter environment, as I have had them for so long, and as most of you know, most people don't want older dogs. First I am going to put them in local paper and see if I can rehome them that way, and of course make sure the homes are good homes, I am very picky. In the past, I have lied to people when I rehome animals, if they didn't sound like a good fit, i would say someone else has called on them first, but would ask questions about them, while dishonest to the stranger, I owe it to my pups to give them a good life that they have left if it isn't going to be with me and the kids.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

paramore said:


> Here's the kicker, I can't afford a lawyer, I have called one, but unfortunately they need over 1k to just start the process. I mean, I am more than willing to get a job, I don't know if a judge would make him continue to pay for a house that he does not live in, I mean obviously he would be responsible for all of the bills we incurred together, I mean both of us would, I will call a few more tomorrow, not so much to start proceedings, but to see what my options are. Only reason i have not looked for a job is because I watch two kids right now, I was going to ride it out, and about beginning of July start looking for jobs when my son starts kindegarden in the fall. I don't think it makes sense to get a job, where I'd have to pay at least 400 dollars a month in daycare. I have no issues getting back into the job market, and am actually looking forward to it, just seems to make most sense to ride it out for the summer and start a brand new job when the little one starts school.


Could he haul a trailer to farm and set up house there? Not sure how you get along or how awkward but just til everyone gets on their feet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I have thought of that, we do have an "apartment" that is in disrepair and would cost a pretty decent amt of money to fix up, I have thought of asking him if he wanted to live there. Really we do get along very very well, that could be an option, if he were willing to consider it. We have very very old trailer hookups, but both of kinda mowed over some of the connections LOL.

Problem is....what if he brings a girl up there, I am not sure if I could handle that. It's not like at this point I am his landlord and say, "you can't have girls up there" ya know? lol


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

paramore said:


> I have thought of that, we do have an "apartment" that is in disrepair and would cost a pretty decent amt of money to fix up, I have thought of asking him if he wanted to live there. Really we do get along very very well, that could be an option, if he were willing to consider it. We have very very old trailer hookups, but both of kinda mowed over some of the connections LOL.
> 
> Problem is....what if he brings a girl up there, I am not sure if I could handle that. It's not like at this point I am his landlord and say, "you can't have girls up there" ya know? lol


You'd need some ground rules for sure but if it could be managed til you both could come out a little ahead financially. Throw it out there - why not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

paramore, I'm so sorry all of this is happening. How much acreage is there? I would be in your situation if it weren't for my family. Otherwise I have no idea where I would put eight horses, one llama, and three house cats. Due to the current economic situation it's next to impossible to even sell a horse. I really feel for you and your children.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

6 acres, 2 mini horses, 6 dogs


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Perhaps look into keeping foster kids for the state. Someone actually suggested that to me, since I have so much room. I've yet to do that though.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Not sure if I would wanna go that route, just cuz of me being a "single parent" right now, and so much going on. I do love and adore kids, and I have a big heart, with all of this it wouldn't be fair to throw kids that are having issues into this crap. 

I did throw the idea out to H golfergirl, haven't heard a response back yet. I don't want him to think it is a way to "get him back home" it isn't by any means, but I don't want the house to go into foreclosure, he wants to see his kids, we would have ground rules, but he has to want it that bad, makes financial sense, but obviously can't force the dork.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

paramore said:


> Not sure if I would wanna go that route, just cuz of me being a "single parent" right now, and so much going on. I do love and adore kids, and I have a big heart, with all of this it wouldn't be fair to throw kids that are having issues into this crap.
> 
> I did throw the idea out to H golfergirl, haven't heard a response back yet. I don't want him to think it is a way to "get him back home" it isn't by any means, but I don't want the house to go into foreclosure, he wants to see his kids, we would have ground rules, but he has to want it that bad, makes financial sense, but obviously can't force the dork.


I have my fingers crossed for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you babydoll!!!! I am prepping for the worst, hoping for the best!!!!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Paramore,

It's not the worst. It just feels like it. Stay true to yourself. You will get over this hurdle too. Maybe not in the best way you envision right now, but things will truly get better for you in the near future.

Hoping the best for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Thank you, just taking it day by day, prepping for the worst, not holding out much hope for the best, but just doing what needs to be done right now.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

paramore said:


> Thank you, just taking it day by day, prepping for the worst, not holding out much hope for the best, but just doing what needs to be done right now.


What's the equity in the farm net of the 2 mortgages?

Could you get someone interested in a shared equity scheme where they buy out hubby and maybe an additional percentage (part of your holding) in turn for you staying there and paying over part or all of the section 8 housing payment? It means giving up something but your children don't have the upheaval of a move and loss of animals.

This is where it is all wrong. The law is an ass when it can't help sort out important issues for people who can't afford the advice. 

If you could get a backer that takes capital and future growth from your home while you make the land work for you and start working from home (maybe offer daycare services for other people's kids rent some land out to a farmer and try some network jobs from home). You need support and advice from many agencies. 

The bank will just want their money. Speak to realtor brother he should have some connections or clients interested in buying into in part a hobbyfarm.

Your husband is being totaly selfish for himself and his actions have major life consequences for your children. In spite of your situation, understand he is interested in himself not the wellbeing of his children, otherwise he'd be looking at ways to help you stay in the home and be creative with the financing of a new apartment for him and his new skirt...but she'll be around for how long? 

Consider offering the outbuilding to someone who'd like to make it their home and see how much it could raise. You need some help independent of the bank. Any help and advice would need to take into account or buy out the bank's interest. Don't feel daunted. When your back is against the wall (which it is) you need to come out fighting...for you and the kids. Don't accept the bank's offer immediately use this time to start asking lots of people both here and elsewhere in financial fields to get the ball rolling.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The reason I keep suggesting a lawyer, is they should be willing to consult without processing the full divorce. They can tell you what he could be required to do when D is processed in terms of child support and alimony since you don't work. You might be surprised. The court will consider the kids first and not give two nickels if he has to stay in his sister's basement - especially if they knwo this his choice and not yours and that he is showing no real interest in the kids other than some minor visitation. You should also talk to your parents and seee if they wouold be willing to take the older dogs.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

And you could also see about the possibility of renting your house for a few years until you could get on your feet enough to move back. This would also give you some extra income each month if you were to rent for more than your monthly mortgage payment, or you could rent land to someone. You said you had 6 acres? Look into renting out say 4 acres to someone who could maybe plant crops, or keep cattle or something. You should contact an attorney as suggested. Not only will they help you protect yourself and your children, they can also tell you if my suggestion would be feesible or not. I know you feel like if speak to a lawyer, that is like calling the marriage over, but that's not the case, you need to protect yourself and not worry if anything you do might upset him.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Paramore, call the State Bar of your state and ask if they have a legal aid office in your area. Maybe you could get an attorney who would handle your case pro bono or at a drastically reduced fee.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> And you could also see about the possibility of renting your house for a few years until you could get on your feet enough to move back. This would also give you some extra income each month if you were to rent for more than your monthly mortgage payment, or you could rent land to someone. You said you had 6 acres? Look into renting out say 4 acres to someone who could maybe plant crops, or keep cattle or something.



I don't think I'd recommend renting the home to someone. I was a landlord for a while. While the rent payment was more than the mortgage payment, it wasn't very much extra. For 2 years or so, I had a great tenant and all was well. The next 2 renters were absolutely horrible. Then it sat vacant for a while. I don't think you need all that extra stress at this time. Just my 2 cents.

On renting some of the land, that might be a good option. I don't know how much it would bring, but every little bit helps.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I don't think I'd recommend renting the home to someone. I was a landlord for a while. While the rent payment was more than the mortgage payment, it wasn't very much extra. For 2 years or so, I had a great tenant and all was well. The next 2 renters were absolutely horrible. Then it sat vacant for a while. I don't think you need all that extra stress at this time. Just my 2 cents.
> 
> On renting some of the land, that might be a good option. I don't know how much it would bring, but every little bit helps.


This is a good point. You can never know what kind of tenants you may get.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Lazarus said:


> What's the equity in the farm net of the 2 mortgages?
> 
> Could you get someone interested in a shared equity scheme where they buy out hubby and maybe an additional percentage (part of your holding) in turn for you staying there and paying over part or all of the section 8 housing payment? It means giving up something but your children don't have the upheaval of a move and loss of animals.



Nice alternative thinking, Lazarus. Very creative. You must be in the real estate business.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Para, you're not losing everything. You're gaining. You're gaining the chance at a life to be happy. You are gaining not being stuck in a toxic relationship with someone who won't cut off extra-marital relationships that have been detrimental to your marriage. you are gaining your self-respect by not tolerating this BS anymore.

Can you borrow $ from a family member for a lawyer?

Just because your husband wants out does not mean he gets to dictate what happens from here on out (what you split, how things are settled legally). Don't roll over for him.

I would file for child support at minimum.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> This is a good point. You can never know what kind of tenants you may get.


When we privately rented a condo in Connecticut, our landlord had us pay for a background check on us both


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

These are all very very good ideas, I will call the lawyer I spoke with a month or so ago and roll some of these ideas off of him. I have been a landlord before, we rented out our first house for a few years so we could move out here, and our last tenants ended up buying it


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

The main thing is not to let him control this. He is the one who wants out, but you need to maintain control so that he can't just completely screw you over. Protect yourself and your kids. 

Hoping for the best for you, sorry it has come to this.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

me too Strugglingman, for sure. We will see what the future brings, just taking it one day at a time. Each day seems to get a little bit easier.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I'm glad you at least have some support network here. 

I know that for me, having all of you and your experiences to draw on have helped me survive the past few weeks a lot better than I would have otherwise. 

If you need to vent more, you know where to come.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Just keep in mind Para your a great lady and someday you will find a man that cherishes you for what you are and will show what love and commitment really means. Is still wish I wasn't so old and could be that guy!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

awwww, you aren't old!!! Thank you for the kind words, your wife is a very lucky woman


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

My wife is very happy and keeps thanking me for rescuing her. She realizes what she has and almost lost. It's going very well for us and I love her deeply. I don't think she'll try to contact again. It's still a long road ahead but keeps getting easier every day.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Now I have another dilemma. He did abide my request at a few days notice, said he would like to come get the kids after he gets off work today, keep them overnight, and bring them back tomorrow, quite reasonable, as he hasn't seen them in a week and a half. I agreed to it. Well I didn't realize my middle girl agreed to babysit for her aunt tonight, so she is kind of stuck there, it's either that or I get stuck with the two little ones, no way.

My problem is that both of my girls have said this in the past, but really really were quite verbal saying they dont want to go over to the aunts house (where he is staying) it's boring over there. They don't care if they see him or not, both pretty much verbatim. They don't seem to have an issue with him coming here and seeing them, I said well it's just as boring at home, they say nu uh, all we do over at aunts house is sit there and watch movies, at least at home we can do other stuff while hanging with dad.

My thing is, do I force them to go? The boy doesn't seem to have an issue going over there, I want them to want to see their dad, it hurts to hear them say they don't care if they see him or not. One thing they have said, is when he was home, they never even noticed he was here, they have disconnected with him so badly, it hurts to see. They won't speak up and be brutally honest with him, I mean I don't blame them, they are just kids. But hearing it from me doesn't have the same impact, I don't want to have me tell him how they feel, and have all he hears is, "Im keeping your kids from you, I'm keeping your kids from you." That isn't the case at ALL, the girls know that, I know that. There is nothing court ordered, this is just us handling it ourselves, I have a few hours to go, I don't know how to handle this. The girls not caring if they see their dad, and not wanting to go over to where he is staying.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Well, this is how it played out. He didn't make the girls go, he took the little guy over for the afternoon and gave him the choice to stay over or not, he said no, but if he changes his mind, they are two miles away he can come and get an overnight bag. I did tell their dad that I can't be stuck in the middle of the girls and their not caring if they see him or not. I said those issues you need to sit and talk to your girls about, it is my job to encourage the relationship. As their mother, I encourage them to see their dad, I say go and have fun. As their father, I do believe that it his job to stand up and say yes, you are going. As I said nothing is court ordered right now. Keep this in mind, I also do not want to "force" anything on them, I do not want them to build resentment towards him or me, if that makes any sense, things are messed up so much as it is right now, I would like to prevent more negativity to build up. I have never ever denied him our kids, he also hasn't stepped up alot in the last almost 4 weeks to see them either. I understand he has been working alot. There were other opportunities where he could have had them, last weekend he said he was very sick and spent the two afternoons he could have had them sleeping, understandable yes, but when I am sick I don't get to pawn them off on someone so I can sleep, if that makes any sense. I have been trying to encourage the e/o weekend and some time during the week.

He knows I am plenty open to him seeing the kids, and I have expressed respectfully that I wish he would reach out more and make more of an effort, but that is all I can do. I cannot force him to ask for more time, all I can do is encourage the relationship, I cannot force it. When it comes to me and him, I am just plan B'ing it the very best I can at this point.

But since I have the afternoon off, I could be doing laundry and cleaning....I am choosing to hang and actually enjoy being by myself, maybe play some video games, goof off on here, catch up on the phone with some friends. I should be mowing, doing laundry, etc, painting...but I don't get to be alone very often, so I am going to have a few beers and enjoy it. 

Unfortunately I just noticed he left his pack of smokes here, so I am sure he will be back shortly for them.

You all would have been very proud, I was polite, didn't say a whole lot. I did ask if he spoke with the eldest, who was at a friends house, he gave her permission to stay the night again, which I didn't really dig, cuz I was going to go get her, but whatever, nothing to nit pick over, I wouldn't get my bit of alone time then, which I have been craving since pretty much being with the kids nonstop. When I heard my son say he didn't want to stay the night, I did start getting teary eyed, because I want him to see his dad and spend time with him, but I didn't cry, I just got up and pretended to have to use the rest room. I did suggest that he call and speak with a mutual friend of ours, as I found out today that she has inoperable brain cancer, he should know that, that was pretty much the extent of the small talk. I wasn't unpleasant, I was polite, just expressed my concern over my daughters, left it at that, didn't say a word about the relationship at all.

I did express to him politely though that the level of disconnect that is going on with his daughters and him brings me sadness. I did say that they seem not to want to really deal with their feelings, and suggested he makes time for the three of them to sit down and really talk. I told him that as their mother it saddens me that they don't care if they see him or not, and I left it at that. I mean I am being honest, and at the very least, I should communicate about the kids, I am trying to encourage some dialogue between them, I cannot force it, but I can do my best to foster open communication between the 3 of them the best that I can, the rest is in their hands. Well I should say the 4 of them, but the 6 year old can't really communicate his feelings as effectively as the elder two.

The older two do want us together, but as I have told them, and they understand that we can't right now, they understand that we are having problems, and that if he came home now, even if he wanted to, it wouldn't be good. They do understand that we have problems within ourselves that need fixing first, and things that do need to be resolved, they do understand that daddy has to want the marriage. Now understand, I do not get into the nitty gritty of the problems, but if they ask me a pointed question, I will be honest, not brutally, as I do agree I do not want them brought into our problems, but they do deserve to know where their future is possibly headed. I am much simpler with my baby boy.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Nice alternative thinking, Lazarus. Very creative. You must be in the real estate business.


No. However, since Dday I've had to deal with 5 realtors, 5 attorneys, 3 accountants, 4 banks and all the emotional turmoil too. By all accounts, I should be dead with a heart attack with the stress of it all. I've learned to become very creative in the need to survive, especially when one's back is very much hard up against an never ending wall. Incredibly, against all the odds, I've managed to rescue what seemed almost impossible. 

Paramore just needs to be creative and keep on asking for help and when many doors are closed to keep a determined stance until just one door opens in her favour.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Great stuff Laz
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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