# Pretty upset with 18 yr old



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

My twin son has been sick, he's almost 4. My twin girl is fine. I've taken them to stay with my mom off and on all week because daycare won't take him with a fever. My oldest daughter lives with my mom, all about a hour one way. So last night she proceeded to take my little girl over to her bf's house leaving my little man in tears, on top of him not feeling well, because he is really seldom far from sissy. 

I don't know who to be the most upset with, my mom for letting them go and then calling me to let me know I need to come get my son because he's so upset, or at my oldest for just going. I know how she can be.. 

Once we got in the car to go get my son, I did call oldest D and lay into her and told her to meet me at X to give me sissy. Sissy and brother were back together within an hour. 

Am I just too sensitive?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I wonder if you ought to have got the twins used to being apart earlier on. It's nice to be twins and bonded, but at some point in development it could become emotionally crippling, keeping the development of one in check because of insecurity of being alone or keeping the development of the other in check because of the burden of carrying the weight of two. And it could be reversed depending on the situation. Even when two people are married and very close, or two friends, very close, there is always distance between. It's likely just a wake-up call for you to think about how you can foster individuality amongst your children. Maybe getting a sitter who can spend special time with one while you have special time with the other, and vice versa. I'd maybe apologize to your older daughter, she actually did something that was logical, trying to give the one twin time to rest since it's him that's sick and not his sister, and not making his sister sit out a sister-bonding opportunity just because her twin was sick and it was her role/job/duty to stay put regardless of what she might have needed, to be the anchor for an ill sibling. 4 year olds who are healthy want to have fun, not be a nursemate/comfort object. That is Grandma's job! The kids need to become secure in having different people meet their needs, both physical and emotional.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but I also wonder how upset you can be for someone else not taking care of your kids in exactly the same way you would. A lot of people would be grateful just to have a loving family member around to take care of their kids.

Maybe she didn't know how he would react?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

PBear said:


> No offense, but I also wonder how upset you can be for someone else not taking care of your kids in exactly the same way you would. A lot of people would be grateful just to have a loving family member around to take care of their kids.
> 
> Maybe she didn't know how he would react?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am grateful, BUT I was called by her complaining of the situation (son won't stop screaming/crying because my 18 yr old took his sissy) and she wanted me to come pick him up, all at 10:30 at night. Why'd she call me? He wanted his sister, not me. Call sister and tell her to bring little sister back, he'll probably quit crying...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

And you're teaching your son if he throws a big enough fit he gets whatever he wants. I get that he's a twin but that doesn't mean he OWNS his sister. She is not here to comfort him.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

How was your daughter while she was out with her big sister? I hate to say it, but if she was okay, then maybe she NEEDS some time away from brother. 

I get what you are saying, my boys aren't twins, but they are close in age and VERY close to one another, but we have to make sure they both get time to do their own thing, and encourage that they both do it! They need to know what they like to do, and need to find what inspires them!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't think that an 18 year old has the maturity to understand that your son might have been upset at being left behind. She may also have been worried about spreading germs to her BF's household. Your son, being sick, was more emotional than usual and subject to crying fits.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> And you're teaching your son if he throws a big enough fit he gets whatever he wants. I get that he's a twin but that doesn't mean he OWNS his sister. She is not here to comfort him.


I was getting ready for bed  and my mom called me to come get him because he was upset about his older sister leaving with his twin sister, what did I do wrong? Was I suppose to tell my mom no?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Could you have taken a day off from work to take care of your child? 10:30 at night or not, I would have driven to get my kid is he was screaming and crying, and explained to him that sometimes it's okay to be apart from his sister, especially when sick so sissy doesn't catch his cold.

I don't think your 18 year old did anything wrong at all.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> I was getting ready for bed  and my mom called me to come get him because he was upset about his older sister leaving with his twin sister, what did I do wrong? Was I suppose to tell my mom no?


I had a hard time following that part of the story. Your son was at your moms because daycare wouldn't take him. Your older daughter and baby sis was there too. Mom lets older daughter leave with baby sis which caused your son to have a meltdown that she couldn't handle. Did I get this right?

If so what you had to do was go get him. He's your son not hers. The 18 year old did nothing wrong.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The twins need to be separate human beings. My twin daughters were never bothered by being separated. They actually liked it. 

Sick children are fussy. That could have played a role in the drama. Your 18 year old probably thought she was doing your mother a favor by giving her a break from two children. I honestly don't know why your mother called you to come get your son because he was having a tantrum. With her being an experience mother, she should have been able to handle the situation. I know my mother would have.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe the boy just wanted his momma  He was sick...

I know when my babies are sick (13 and almost 4), gramma won't cut it.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I get what most of you are saying, but the son was SICK. That's not the time to develop/encourage individuality - especially at 4yrs old.

Cherry, since this is now "over", I would talk to both your M and D about what you expect. If they are willing to help out, then they should respect your wishes, but they need to know what those are. If they aren't willing to do what is expected, then you have a decision to make: a) accept what they do or b) don't rely on them. 

Don't know your history, but what does H have to say about this - or is he not in the picture.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

As has been said, I agree your son has to get used to not being around his twin 24/7 but when he is sick is probably not the best time to put this into practice if he has not been used to it beforehand.

Must have been very inconvenient to have to go get him at that time of night so if you don't want this sort of thing happening again, soon as he's well, start getting him used to have some positive time apart from his twin. Meanwhile I would try and smooth things over with older sister and grandmother or they might not want to get involved next time he's ill.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> I had a hard time following that part of the story. Your son was at your moms because daycare wouldn't take him. Your older daughter and baby sis was there too. Mom lets older daughter leave with baby sis which caused your son to have a meltdown that she couldn't handle. Did I get this right?
> 
> If so what you had to do was go get him. He's your son not hers. The 18 year old did nothing wrong.


Even if she offered to keep him? Here's what I don't understand... My daughter was leaving the home at 10 pm with a four year old. I wouldn't had agreed with that to begin with. But if its customary to take a four year old to a teenage sleepover, okay. But my mother offered to keep my sick son for me. I don't think she should have made the choice to allow my 4 year old to go out with my daughter and then call me because my other four year old was upset about a decision they made. 

Oh well. I don't see how I did a thing wrong.. but yeah, water under the bridge.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Even if she offered to keep him? Here's what I don't understand... My daughter was leaving the home at 10 pm with a four year old. I wouldn't had agreed with that to begin with. But if its customary to take a four year old to a teenage sleepover, okay. But my mother offered to keep my sick son for me. I don't think she should have made the choice to allow my 4 year old to go out with my daughter and then call me because my other four year old was upset about a decision they made.
> 
> Oh well. I don't see how I did a thing wrong.. but yeah, water under the bridge.


Okay I think I read your OP wrong. LOL I've just done THREE open houses at school and I'm fried. 

Your mom should NOT have allowed your 4 year old daughter to leave at 10pm. Period end of story. No wonder your son got upset. Geesh.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Cherry, I assume your sick son was overnight at your mother's because she was taking care that day and the following one and it was just easier than picking him up and dropping him off again?

And as far as your older daughter goes, she's living at your mother's house: her house her rules, if she is fine with the 18 year old leaving late, along with your sis, its her call and I wouldn't expect it would have made a difference, your son wanted you not his older sister.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lon said:


> your son wanted you not his older sister.


He wanted his twin, the younger sister. And had the mom used some common sense and kept her home when it was clearly late none of this would have happened.

The 18 year old going out is a whole other issue.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Kid is 4, should begin to understand that his sis can't be attached to him at all times. But he was sick and all...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

10 pm and leaving?

Yea. No. My almost 4 year old is in bed at 8. For that, I would tell my oldest not to do that again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If he was sick he's going to be irrational anyway.
Your mom could have comforted him and let him cry it out til he fell asleep. Honestly, sometimes letting a kid fall asleep is the kindest thing to do. Lots of people get irrational when they're sick, it's the effect of sinuses pressing on the brain, and fever. A bit of Children's Benadryl goes a long way towards relieving symptoms and encouraging sleep, if he had any kind of flu or ear ache. Ear ache is the worst, it will make a kid cry just because the sun is up or the sun has set.

It's summer, kids are just awake when they're awake. A lot of kids will sleep during the heat of the day as there are naps provided after lunch at most day cares, and then they are more active at night when it's cooler and the sun has gone down. This is actually a normal sleep cycle for the summer and no need to go knocking a mom down because her 4 year old is up and out at 10:00. An Anglo American schedule is not the only one that is observed in the world. Millions of kids have survived with long siestas and then going to bed at midnight and rising at 8. It's hardly life-threatening, or harmful.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I think it all depends WHY why big sis took little sis ? 

Could it be that grandma was struggling a bit and that was really at the root of the decision process to let those 2 leave at 10 and then ring for rescue by you ?

Maybe a family chat is needed as the view from the OP seems to be that big sis is more at fault than grandma but us outsiders actually see grandma as more at fault.

Don't know your circumstances but not sure why Grandma had 3 of your children when only one was sick. Is it because you NEVER split the twins? If that's true then I think that needs working on sooner rather than later.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

YellowRoses said:


> I think it all depends WHY why big sis took little sis ?
> 
> Could it be that grandma was struggling a bit and that was really at the root of the decision process to let those 2 leave at 10 and then ring for rescue by you ?
> 
> ...


No, we seldom have split the twins up. When we have, we generally keep one entertained until the other is out of site. That works. Apparently my mom tried to do that at first, but he noticed big sissy and little sissy leaving.. At that point, she figured my son would cry it out.. but when he didn't, she called me to fix it . 

I think you're right, gma tries so hard to take care of the twins for us from time to time, it can be overwhelming on a normal healthy day.. if one or both are sick, its even that much more difficult. Use to be my oldest daughter would help her and now, because D is 18, she just takes off. 

My mother probably didn't want to tell her no when she said she was taking my younger daughter, and no doubt thought my sick son would calm down and fall asleep. When he didn't 30 mins later, my mom didn't want my oldest to think she was trying to control her by calling her to come back to the house, sooo she called me. He wanted his twin sissy, not his big sissy, but big sissy was the mode of transportation for twin sissy. 
I get that maybe we should work on separating the twins, but on a night when brother is sick and away from mommy and daddy probably isn't the most ideal time to adjust to not being around your sissy after being with her every day for 4 years and the extra nine months in my womb.

As for the schedule, again, I don't care what time my mother puts them to bed.. her house, her rules... But when it affects me directly and threatens to derail a pretty tight schedule the following day, for what? So my 18 year old daughter can take my little girl and go play house with her boyfriend? Take my little man, he's the one who can't go to daycare... I don't care what kind of emotional capacity she might have at 18, momma has to work the next day to pay the fvcking bills and to not let my company down. If my 18 year old doesn't understand that, I failed as a parent. That said, I refer back to my 3rd paragraph.. I think my mom made a bad judgement call by calling me first. 

Moral of the story, my mother is getting older... She use to be able to handle a wailing toddler, but I think she's just tired. I'm not mad at her.. my oldest.. well I guess she probably didn't even know what was going on once she left the house with my youngest. I really didn't let her get a word in when I called her on my out there to lay into her. 

You know what? This couldve been disastrous if I was still drinking... I would've easily said some really hateful things to both of them in the heat of the moment and being drunk  two days later and everyone is still getting along... I REALLY appreciate this sober stuff!


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> I don't think that an 18 year old has the maturity to understand that your son might have been upset at being left behind. She may also have been worried about spreading germs to her BF's household. Your son, being sick, was more emotional than usual and subject to crying fits.


I very much agree with this.

Your son should of not left and stay back to rest. This was very wrong on your 18 year old.

I have an 18 year old that also lives with my parents. They have more money, a car for her always filled with gas and no rules. :/


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Nicole01 said:


> I have an 18 year old that also lives with my parents. They have more money, a car for her always filled with gas and no rules. :/


OT...my mom is trying to teach my 18 yr old economics! She also wanted the huge f150 when she turned 18... We warned her about the gas issue.. and she was told that she'll need to start paying for her gas when she graduated HS. My mom let's her drive whatever other vehicle is available, instead of giving her cash. I'm trying to stay out of it, I really wouldn't give her a cent or let her drive our cars.. unless there was an absolute valid reason her entire paycheck was gone 2 days after payday. 

My mom admits she has spoiled her (its just been her and my mother for the past six years)... I guess she gave her the childhood she couldn't give us. BUT it was my mothers idea and I was at a pretty low place when I signed over guardianship when my oldest was 12.


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