# So Numb



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

Married for 8 years. 2 kids. Have always been a loyal and devoted husband/father. Never had any other woman other than my wife. My kids are young 4 and 7 but are extremely internet savvy so I set up a transparent web proxy to keep an eye on them. Don't believe in sheltering them from the ugly world but be there when the fall or need a shield. I guess my wife forgot about having to log onto a proxy that logs everything to access the internet.

I normally don't check my wife's log but after seeing my daughter watching youtube on my wifes computer I decided to take a peek. I was shocked. Sick disgusting messages with random guys from craigslist. Trading pictures with guys over email and a memeber of ashley madison. I only have 4 days of logs as thats what I have set up. Day old logs get zipped automatically and 4 days old they get deleted. Except for my kids. So I dont know how long this has been going on but she has scheduled meetings with 13 guys in 3 days. Some talking about who's buying hotels. She has cleaned out my account and a 15k bonus for completion of a project ahead of schedule all gone in 2 days.

She is open with these guys about being married and the horrible stuff she says about me (husband never gives me any and the like) are hurtfull. Add salt to my wounds that she is using my money to pay for these encounters. She doesnt work she has been in school for 6 years (continually fails classes but I continued to support her).

I saw a lawyer a couple days ago and got myself STD screened today. I felt so ashamed telling the nice nurse I needed an STD screen. She does not know I know and I have been maintaining "All is happy and well" waiting for my ducks to be in order to confront her and start the ball rolling doing everything I can to make sure I keep my kids. I havent slept a wink in 3 days. I need to hold out 2 more days but it hurts so much laying next to a . . .

I need to stay calm and without emotion. I need to be a rock.
I must remain focused.

Sorry for ranting but I needed to get this off my chest. I have no one to talk to right now. Only family and friends and I am afraid word gets back to her too soon.


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Dude, this sounds really really bad. Like beyond what normal infidelities people describe here. You need serious legal help. Do not tell her that you know anything about this. Go get a good lawyer ASAP and start protecting your money from this woman. You also need to keep this documentation that you have. She is going to f$ck you up in court if you don't have it.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So far you are doing every thing right. get evidence, confront, expose.
Stay strong and continue to protect your self.
Go to Affaircare.com on how to confront.

Start a journal and documant her coming and going especially the times. Print out everything you can and make copies. Keep trake of all the phone numbers. For now don't worry about names, but keep track of the regulars.

Quitely investigate this and gather your proof, if you can hire A PI great. But get a voice activated rcorder and but it in her car...under her seat.
Pick up a GPS and plant that in her car. This hard evidence won't help in court but it will make a big diference in confronting her and her family. With out the black and white proof she will make you look like the bad guy....the controlling husband.

The #1 rule here is never leave the marital home no matter what....she will nail you with abandonment.

So continue to research in how to deal with this sh*t and gather your proof. 

You are so heading in the right direction by taking the cool appraoch and gathering your thought. So many here act out of emotion and make split secon dicision that they regret> I don't know how many time I read about how folks wish they had found this site before confrontin DS


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

so sorry drained. WTF is wrong with these people? One day your happily married to this person, then the next you don't know who they are. Her cleaning you out is despicable to say the least. And this person has kids... my god what is wrong in the world. Be strong.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Right now alls you have is "some fantasy play" or "I was just kiding"
my favorite "it was just a joke"
the gps will solitify her true intent when you have confirming locations.
Rememebr be prepared there is a sript to what she will say when confronted so read up and write your thought down for confrontation. When it happens your emotions will get away from you so set up a plan and work the plan.

Again you are doing great and stay stronge in the fact that give her enough rope and she will hang her self. and the controll will be yours and that is the thing here. get control in either fighting for your marraige or leaving it and coming out ahead.

Play your card right and the deny will not be an option for her no matter how hard she tries. Give her the shock and aw of what she has done to your family.
Then If you choose the both of you can figure out why the marraige failed....I'm getting ahead of my self...now is the time to get ready to confront. you can move to the next step after the big and all important confrontation.

Its hard as hell but distance your self from the emotion and treat this as a business. The best thing I did was treat my confrontation as a business deal with no emotion and definetly no crying or begging.
You can read more about this by reading up on all the site that or on the net with regards to infidrlity.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Print out everything---so you have visual proof

Go to the bank, and take all marital money and put it in an acct., with only your name on it---cancel all her credit cards, and all joint credit cards

until you actually do confront, and lay out boundaries, if you decide to stay, (even tho i am not sure why you would) give her only enuff money to by food, and get car too and from the market ( in the way of money for gas) give her nothing else---you need to dry her up, and stop financing her leg spreading sexcapades----you also may wanna think about doing a BK


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

It's done. I confronted a few days ago. She had nothing to say for herself. We went the next day to sign papers. The next day she left the country. She left me with sole custody of my 2 kids and didn't want any assets. Just up and left. 

I am not sure what I am feeling, but whatever it is it sucks. I just feel empty. Part of me wants to contact her and have her come back so we can work it out. But I know I will never trust her again and cant have that.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank god you proved your point, she could have lied and drawn this out and so many times the DS tells the LS they will stop and work on it only to find that they went deeper under ground, and continued the betrayal.

The only credit I would give her is she manned up and left, not dragging you along with lies and false hopes.

The evil is the fact that she could give you an explainasion, but would it matter....ask her no questions and she'll tell you no lies.

I hope you understand that these thought are normal, they can be compared to a sudden death of a loved one. I also hope you understand that contacting her will only give you half truths and more lies.

If and when she comes back from the dead and contacts you instead you may get some honest answers. 

So except the emptiness as a death of a loved one and with that we move on and the feeling of grief will fade and when your with someone that really respects you and the kids it will be just a distant memory.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will be fine--- life will be an exciting new adventure for you---without the misery of having to be with a cheater who really doesn't wanna be with you

Good luck, and stand tall


----------



## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

So far this thread is one of the most bizzare i've read on TAM.

then again, i have a poor memory sometimes....:lol:

as i was reading, i was thinking geez this harlots gotta drug 
habit of some kind.

but then u say she just ups n leaves the country? which countries we talking bout man? left her kids? maybe there
is crack or coke involved. somethings amiss/not right.

do fill us in.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cb45 said:


> So far this thread is one of the most bizzare i've read on TAM.
> 
> then again, i have a poor memory sometimes....:lol:
> 
> ...


I also thought it was bizarre that a typical affair scenario would be resolved in such quick and neat fashion. It went from very plausible to extremely implausible in just 2 posts. Bizarre indeed.


----------



## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

You know, in some ways, it may be better to just cut ties and be done. I have been in "limbo" land for 7 months. I know it will still take time for you, but maybe that was the better route? I wish you all the best. You will find happiness.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Wow. That is awful beyond all reason.

Hang in there.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sdesruiss said:


> You know, in some ways, it may be better to just cut ties and be done. I have been in "limbo" land for 7 months and it seems to just prolong the pain. I know it will still take time for you, but maybe that was the better route? I wish you all the best. You will find happiness in someone who is true to you.


I suspect that he is nothing more than a troll.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

wrote a response but didnt read the entire thread. Just the initial post. I really need to start reading the whole thread first!


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

morituri said:


> I suspect that he is nothing more than a troll.


This is the second time I have come here for help. And this is the second time I wish I hadn't. The first was about a year ago. My wife had become reclusive to me and wouldn't talk. I came here seeking advice on trying to make her happy. She comes from the Guam and I thought it might be an issue of her missing home (culture shock whatever). The only response I got after a week was a post from some lewd ***** trying to sell me vibrating dildos. 

I came here again because once again I had no one to talk to. I am the first man in my entire recorded bloodline to ever divorce. The only advice I have received from my father, brother, uncles and grandfather is that a man honors his vow no matter what the woman does and I am a **** bag for divorcing. So I came here. 

What more do you want me to say. I confronted her with the evidence I had. She said NOTHING. I said I have a lawyer. She said NOTHING. I said we could fight or you can agree to my terms (I get custody of the kids and whatever assets you want you assume the liability. (we have no assets not upside down)) She said that sounds fine. We went to lawyer. He said he would draw up the paper work right away cuz the case is easy. Wife said I want a plane ticket to the Guam. I got her one. She left. 

I spent 9 loyal years proving my faithfulness to a woman who ultimately left me for random guys on craigslist. What makes you think I feel like giving a **** enough to come on here to prove myself again to random ****ing self professed experts. This is my fault I guess for airing my dirty laundry. I'm done. I should not have come here.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

drained said:


> This is the second time I have come here for help. And this is the second time I wish I hadn't. The first was about a year ago. My wife had become reclusive to me and wouldn't talk. I came here seeking advice on trying to make her happy. She comes from the Guam and I thought it might be an issue of her missing home (culture shock whatever). The only response I got after a week was a post from some lewd ***** trying to sell me vibrating dildos.
> 
> I came here again because once again I had no one to talk to. I am the first man in my entire recorded bloodline to ever divorce. The only advice I have received from my father, brother, uncles and grandfather is that a man honors his vow no matter what the woman does and I am a **** bag for divorcing. So I came here.
> 
> What more do you want me to say. I confronted her with the evidence I had. She said NOTHING. I said I have a lawyer. She said NOTHING. I said we could fight or you can agree to my terms (I get custody of the kids and whatever assets you want you assume the liability. (we have no assets not upside down)) She said that sounds fine. We went to lawyer. He said he would draw up the paper work right away cuz the case is easy. Wife said I want a plane ticket to the Guam. I got her one. She left.


First, you come here with a very typical story of spousal betrayal and everybody comes out to give you advice. Then your second post is a bizarre quick resolution where the mother of two young children simply agrees to abandon them. If you were one of us, wouldn't you find it a strange outcome in such a short period of time?



> I spent 9 loyal years proving my faithfulness to a woman who ultimately left me for random guys on craigslist. What makes you think I feel like giving a **** enough to come on here to prove myself again to random ****ing self professed experts. This is my fault I guess for airing my dirty laundry. I'm done. I should not have come here.


*It is NOT your fault.*Regardless what the condition of your marriage was, SHE is solely responsible for her actions of marital betrayal.

As far as the label 'experts' is concerned, no we are just survivors of marital betrayal just like you.


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

Lately I have been feeling pretty horrible about the way I responded to y'all. 

During this whole ordeal and the weeks leading up to it I put myself in a stoic crisis mode for the sake of the kids. I have always been good at bottling up my emotions and apprehensions in a time of need (A skill I picked up in the Army). But these were the worst emotions/fear I have ever/still had. I feel I used the folks here as a vent for my rage anger and pain. I could not vent to my family during this because every single person in my family is dealing with their own emotional pain and I have always been the emotional rock to stand on. I want to apologize for this and ask for you're all forgiveness. 

I realize now how my posts would be construed as confusing or trolling. I can't really elaborate more on what conspired. It happened as I said. Confusing I know, especially from my perspective. I can't even now comprehend how someone could walk away from the most beautiful and awesome kids in the world. I just don't get it. She did not fight. Not legally not anything. Not fear of death, nor legal repercussion, not an international war tribunal would stop me from fighting for my babies. Yet all I can research/read of is men walking away from their families I can't see how a mommy can walk away from her babies. 

From across the world she initially maintained a web chat with the kids every other day. It has dwindled down to maybe once a week and now the last 2 weeks there has been nothing. There were always scheduling conflicts. I would say kids want to talk to you and she would say cant right now I am going to the club with my friends. I told her a couple weeks ago that I have to force my son to talk to her because he does not want to talk to her. And she displayed no emotion. If my son told me he did not want to talk to me I would want to kill myself. 

I thought I was handling all this well. It was not till earlier this week that I felt any reservation towards this matter (save for the pain I could see in my kids). But my son is spending the week with my sister (he has latched onto her like a big sister and has said his aunt can keep a secret so he trusts her) and my daughter is spending the week with her cousins (actually my cousins but the 2 girls love doing girly things with her). It has been so cold and lonely in this house. I suddenly lack any motivation or drive. 

My son though he is displaying this hardened "Her loss" kind of attitude has changed. He is very quiet not talking to me. And based upon what my sister is telling me of her conversations with my boy seems like he saw something that my ex did and knew was wrong but feels ashamed because he did not tell me. It kills me inside to know there is this barrier. I want him to feel he can talk to me about anything. I have told him this but he just is not talking to me. I do not want him to think any of this is his fault or responsibility. 

My daughter has nightly nightmares. She talks and sleepwalks. I constantly find her staring out the window at 2am. She says things like "I though I heard mommy's voice outside. She said she would cut my apples for me." She has gone from a spitfire smartass take no **** from anyone little girl who would backtalk to me. But now every time I scold her (I do not want to back off from discipline) she bursts into tears like I am going to leave her too. 

Anyway, I am sorry for my rants and I hope yall can forgive me.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get those kids in for some help, thats f*cked up. You can't control your x wife and stop having expectation of her...she is not like you...she is not like anything! 

The pros will help in how to deal with this abandonment crap, like stop all contact with her. IDK it just seem added pain the family doesn't need. I'm no expert, but it might be healtier if this kind of sh*t was handled like she has passed way or something along those lines. Some how the three of you need to mourn her lose and move on with out.

It sucks to keep a mother away from her kids, but come on, you would think in a BS sitch like this it might be for the best,


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

Hi everyone. Thought I would give a bit of an update. The last 10 months have been pretty darn good for my kids and I. 

My kids have really begun to open up and seem to have been healing well. My whole family has pitched in to fill the void for them. After a couple months my family (and I) started to note that my kids have not only regained their original personalities back but have developed new ones. Both have seemed so much more outgoing and happier than I have ever seen them. It caused me to look back on the marriage and her relationship with my kids. 

I realized she was such a black hole of negativity. She never talked with the kids. She only yelled at them. She never loved or laughed when they were being goofy but always seemed annoyed. Kids are going to be loud and noisy and annoying. That means they are enjoying life. I was talking about this to my sister. She said that she always knew something was off. Over 9 years she said she watched me transform into a broken lonely man who had just given up. But noted that I seem to becoming my old self again. She is right. 

It took me a bit. The hit to my self esteem was pretty bad and I had to ask myself if I had become a doormat or was this just emotional fallout. I forced myself after a couple months to get back out there. I did some online dating, tried the bar/club thing (not my thing) but my favorite was flirting in the grocery store  so many great ways to break the ice there. 

Picked up some of my old hobbies and passions I gave up when I got married. I started lifting weights and running. And eating better. (ex never cooked so it was always fast food and pre-prepared meals). I was 260 pounds when I got divorced. I am now 190. The downside is that my libido shot through the roof (and no outlet. I wanted to wait another 6 months after my first std screen before I tried anything). It is higher now at 31 than it ever was at 18. 

It wasn't long before I realized I cannot think of a single day in 9 years of that marriage that I was happier than where I have been the last few months. 

The ex is still on the other side of the globe living outside a military base (no lack of emotional validation through copulation there), and the kids talk about her less and less each day.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

I just read your story and am so sorry for what you've been through.

What a piece of work she is. Good riddance.

It sounds like you have your life back on track. You will find a good woman to love you and your kids. They are out there!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Any chance that she might come back and mess up your life again? And how does she make money?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Congratulations, on a new life, and what actually may be a success story----have a great rest of your life.


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Any chance that she might come back and mess up your life again? And how does she make money?


She is working in a nursing home and living with her parents her salary is not enough to even afford a studio appt. She is miserable there. She called to video chat with the kids a couple months ago. The kids said hi whats up and left the room to continue what they were doing. I ended up talking to her a bit. 

I finally got answers from her and a some closure. Turns out the truth was far worse than I discovered. It had been happening for 2 years before I found out. Explains why for last few years I was making more money than ever in my life not changing my standard of living and was living paycheck to paycheck yet after divorce I have a huge surplus of income. I got all the gory details I wont get into but I thank the Lord he was watching over me and my STD screens came back clean. 

She said the excuse was that she had some issues that caused her to self medicate with sexual validation. I asked why couldn't you let me be your drug. She said she did not know. Her behavior has gotten worse since leaving (if that was possible) The sheer number of partners since she left (living outside a military base makes this easy, and I don't say this out of spite to our service men I say this from experience 8 years army here) has been appalling. She is seeing a therapist 3 times weekly and said her therapist has diagnosed her with sex addiction. I think its an excuse as anything. Its all choices. Alcoholism is not a disease its a choice. Choosing to do meth and become a meth-head is a choice. If she had chosen to validate herself or get her high off of me or even came to me with her issues we would have grown closer.

She broke down crying and asked for forgiveness. I forgave her (mainly because I am done carrying this **** on my shoulder). She said that the men she was with weren't nearly the man I was and I was a great father and and more of a husband that she ever wanted. She said part of her issue was that she never felt she deserved me. I said that I was an amazing husband but that she only didn't deserve me because she CHOSE not to deserve me. 

She then asked about reconciliation and what followed I cant say I am not exactly proud of but damn it felt good! I lost it. I said no. . . ****ing. . . way. Statistically you caught genital herpes 2-3 times a week. You betrayed me. You stabbed me in my heart. And wost of all making everything else seem so minute. . . you abandoned your children. You left your babies hurting and confused. I do not want to go to bed at night with a ****. I want to hold a mother. A woman who would lay down her life to protect my/her kids. I am no longer angry at you. I feel pity for a broken ****ed up woman. And you do not deserve it but I pray for you every night. I pray that you find help. I am here to help you if you need it but if you continue down the path you are going with your legs open you will become more empty and empty till there is nothing left.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you secured your self legally? What if he decides to come back out of desperation? Or just out of spite? Have you consulted the lawyer regarding this?


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

warlock07 said:


> Have you secured your self legally? What if he decides to come back out of desperation? Or just out of spite? Have you consulted the lawyer regarding this?


I did! I actually had a lawyer that said (after I showed him logs and screenshots) that he would not only reduce my retainer but would cover me from start to finish for only 2k regardless of if she retains a lawyer herself. He said it was the easiest divorce he ever has done. I won't go into details for the sake of showing my cards if something were to happen in the future and we were back in court but my lawyer has a few nasty cards to play if that were to happen.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Drained,

Is your wife white or Chamorro? Just wondering since she is on Guam.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Addictions are real and if it is true that your ex-wife is a sexual addict, then she should have immediately sought help when she started down the path of self-destruction. Self-medication with PA (physical affairs) is a selfish choice that could have been averted if she had chosen to inform you what was happening inside her and asking for your help. My ex-wife got repeatedly raped by a male cousin when she was a teenager but in all the time the two of us were together, she never mentioned the horrible trauma she endured, and instead chose to have a PA for a year. I had to wait almost two years after my divorce was finalized to find out from a mutual friend who was told at the time, about my ex-wife's rape from one of my ex-wife's closest relative. If she had told me, I could have persuaded her to get the professional help she needed help her heal from the horrific wound from the past. But she didn't and now years after the divorce, she is finally getting it.

In any case, it warms my heart to see that you got some justice and that you and the kids are doing fine. I wish you and yours all the best.


----------



## drained (Mar 28, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Drained,
> 
> Is your wife white or Chamorro? Just wondering since she is on Guam.


She is phillipine. 



morituri said:


> Addictions are real and if it is true that your ex-wife is a sexual addict, then she should have immediately sought help when she started down the path of self-destruction. Self-medication with PA (physical affairs) is a selfish choice that could have been averted if she had chosen to inform you what was happening inside her and asking for your help. My ex-wife got repeatedly raped by a male cousin when she was a teenager but in all the time the two of us were together, she never mentioned the horrible trauma she endured, and instead chose to have a PA for a year. I had to wait almost two years after my divorce was finalized to find out from a mutual friend who was told at the time, about my ex-wife's rape from one of my ex-wife's closest relative. If she had told me, I could have persuaded her to get the professional help she needed help her heal from the horrific wound from the past. But she didn't and now years after the divorce, she is finally getting it.
> 
> In any case, it warms my heart to see that you got some justice and that you and the kids are doing fine. I wish you and yours all the best.


I didn't mean to come off harsh. Anything can be an addiction. We can self medicate with all sorts of unhealthy behaviors. I was just trying to say I had wished she had chosen me as her addiction.


----------

