# Filmed without knowing



## 2020Lost (May 4, 2020)

We have been married for 16 years, have 4 kids and we both work, i work 60hrs+/week so I am usually exhausted. Before I was working so many hours, I found a video of, not all of me, but of my husband and I being intimate, which I had NO idea he was doing that, and there were quite a few of them mixed in with his online collection. I felt very uncomfortable, and I did delete the ones I believed were of me, he placed the phone where I wouldn't be able to see it.

Fast forward, he had to get a new phone, my drive has had a major decrease because I am just so exhausted, there was a point i was coming home after 12hr shifts to make a late dinner, clean the house and help the kids with homework, that is not as bad now, but i still have to ask him for help on occasion, yes he does work also. Back to my initial topic, yesterday, by chance, I looked at his phone, and there were more videos of him going under my shirt while I am sleeping, I am a heavy sleeper. I am just very weirded out by all of it, I don't even know how to approach him since he always has some smart ass comment after sex, like well, better enjoy it since Idk when I'll get that again, and any confrontation or argument gets turned into my fault that I don't even argue anymore.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

2020Lost said:


> We have been married for 16 years, have 4 kids and we both work, i work 60hrs+/week so I am usually exhausted. Before I was working so many hours, I found a video of, not all of me, but of my husband and I being intimate, which I had NO idea he was doing that, and there were quite a few of them mixed in with his online collection. I felt very uncomfortable, and I did delete the ones I believed were of me, he placed the phone where I wouldn't be able to see it.
> Fast forward, he had to get a new phone, my drive has had a major decrease because I am just so exhausted, there was a point i was coming home after 12hr shifts to make a late dinner, clean the house and help the kids with homework, that is not as bad now, but i still have to ask him for help on occasion, yes he does work also. Back to my initial topic, yesterday, by chance, I looked at his phone, and there were more videos of him going under my shirt while I am sleeping, I am a heavy sleeper. I am just very weirded out by all of it, I don't even know how to approach him since he always has some smart ass comment after sex, like well, better enjoy it since Idk when I'll get that again, and any confrontation or argument gets turned into my fault that I don't even argue anymore.


Its his fault if he’s recording anything without your consent. I understand you dont want to fall in any argument with him because he’s smart to tackle such things. 

Find out ways to object on these things. Well, theres nothing wrong if you ask him only once to check his gallery. I hope you guys are frank enough to give access to your smartphones.


More on your reply 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yep, for most successful ltr and marriages, each spouse can look at the other's anytime. And it's not a big deal at all.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP this may not be just his collection. There are whole forums and threads where men swap pictures and videos. I'd think carefully what you want your boundaries to be and have a talk with him. If you aren't ok with him recording and talking nudes then you need to tell him. If he doesn't stop then he has no respect for the marriage or you. I'd also ask him where all these pictures are posted. You said you deleted the ones you thought you were in. Does he have video of him screwing other women? Does he have pictures of videos of other couples. That would feed back into the swapping theme.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

2020Lost said:


> We have been married for 16 years, have 4 kids and we both work, i work 60hrs+/week so I am usually exhausted. Before I was working so many hours, I found a video of, not all of me, but of my husband and I being intimate, which I had NO idea he was doing that, and there were quite a few of them mixed in with his online collection. I felt very uncomfortable, and I did delete the ones I believed were of me, he placed the phone where I wouldn't be able to see it.


What your husband is doing is most likely a crime in your state. 

_"Taking video or photographs of a person committing sexual acts or in a nude or semi-nude state without his/her consent is usually a criminal act if the pictures or videos are taken in a place where you can reasonably expect to have privacy. For example, if someone places a hidden camera in your bathroom or bedroom and without your knowledge, this is almost always illegal. However, if you are on a nude beach or in a public park and someone takes a video of you nude or doing sexual acts, it may not be illegal to share these images since you likely cannot expect to have privacy in that public place. Again, the specific laws in your state will make it clear what is and is not illegal. "





Is it a crime for someone to take or record private or intimate video or images of me without my knowledge or consent?


It depends. Taking video or photographs of a person committing sexual acts or in a nude or semi-nude state without his/her consent is usually a criminal act if the pictures or videos are taken in a place where you can reasonably expect to have privacy. For example, if someone places a hidden...




www.womenslaw.org




_​


2020Lost said:


> Fast forward, he had to get a new phone, my drive has had a major decrease because I am just so exhausted, there was a point i was coming home after 12hr shifts to make a late dinner, clean the house and help the kids with homework, that is not as bad now, but i still have to ask him for help on occasion, yes he does work also.


He is not taking responsibility for his fair share of housework, etc. Not good.



2020Lost said:


> Back to my initial topic, yesterday, by chance, I looked at his phone, and there were more videos of him going under my shirt while I am sleeping, I am a heavy sleeper.


And this is sexual assault since it is done without your consent. Now you might not want to bring charges against him, but what he is doing is not ok.



2020Lost said:


> I am just very weirded out by all of it, I don't even know how to approach him since he always has some smart ass comment after sex, like well, better enjoy it since Idk when I'll get that again, and any confrontation or argument gets turned into my fault that I don't even argue anymore.


Yea, I get why you are weirded him taking intimate videos of you when you have no idea it's going on and you have not consented. I would not tolerate some my husband doing this. 

Between him videoing you in secret and his rude comments about sex with you, I think you have some serious issues to deal with.

One thing that concerns me is that often, men will swap video of their sex life with others online. If I were you, I'd look for evidence to see if he's doing that.

You are going to have to take a stance with him that you will not tolerate all this. It might help if you were to write down what you would like to say to him. Since he is disrespecting you with smart comments, you could always give it to him in written form. 

What do you think you want to say to him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Yep, for most successful ltr and marriages, each spouse can look at the other's anytime. And it's not a big deal at all.


What do you mean "each spouse can look at the other's anytime"? What can they look at? Phone? Computer? Or do you mean each others private parts? Could clarify?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

2020Lost said:


> We have been married for 16 years, have 4 kids and we both work, i work 60hrs+/week so I am usually exhausted. Before I was working so many hours, I found a video of, not all of me, but of my husband and I being intimate, which I had NO idea he was doing that, and there were quite a few of them mixed in with his online collection. I felt very uncomfortable, and I did delete the ones I believed were of me, he placed the phone where I wouldn't be able to see it.
> 
> Fast forward, he had to get a new phone, my drive has had a major decrease because I am just so exhausted, there was a point i was coming home after 12hr shifts to make a late dinner, clean the house and help the kids with homework, that is not as bad now, but i still have to ask him for help on occasion, yes he does work also. Back to my initial topic, yesterday, by chance, I looked at his phone, and there were more videos of him going under my shirt while I am sleeping, I am a heavy sleeper. I am just very weirded out by all of it, I don't even know how to approach him since he always has some smart ass comment after sex, like well, better enjoy it since Idk when I'll get that again, and any confrontation or argument gets turned into my fault that I don't even argue anymore.


So many issues here. 
You guys sound like an absolute disaster. 
First all of this filming and doing stuff without you knowing is 100% not ok. You should destroy his phone and in the most demonstrative way possible way let him know to not ever do that again. 
Secondly, you working 60 hours a week? What the hell? Why even be married, you are married to your career. Your job is your husband, just divorce and get it over with. Who wants to be "married" to someone who is never there, always working, work is their only priority.....there are millions of jobs but he has to get stuck with one in which he has no spouse, her life at the job and with all the co-workers is her real life. He is just a roommate who gets an hour before bed and maybe one day off. 

So on so many levels you two seem to have a really, really messed up marriage.
You are an absentee spouse who is married to her job.
He is filming you and touching you while unconscious. 

Pretty bad. 
Confront him and make him stop. Divorce if he doesn't.
Scale back to 40 hours a week or change jobs. Family and relationships trump work.....on your death bed you'll regret the failed relationships, letting people go from your life, not prioritizing those you love and the grudges you held onto that robbed you......you WILL NOT regret not earning that extra $5,000 or not making that next rung of success at work.....not working 70hours instead of only 60.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@2020Lost,

What do you do for a living? What does your husband do for a living?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean "each spouse can look at the other's anytime"? What can they look at? Phone? Computer? Or do you mean each others private parts? Could clarify?


Smartphone , or computer. Or private parts, too.

But here I meant smartphones and computers.

Because smartphones, tablets, laptops, desktop computers are just tools and labor saving devices with entertainment thrown in. And we don't say let me see your phone activities but make it a point to never hide away actions, whoever's phone is handy can always be used by either, same with computers.

Granted all can be used for nefarious activities but hence the trust thing.

One has to start out with trust.

Now on to the private parts.....well, maybe not. That's between DW and I.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Smartphone , or computer. Or private parts, too.
> 
> But here I meant smartphones and computers.
> 
> ...


LOL... when I first read your post, I thought you meant that what he was doing is ok... then re-read it and wondered. Thanks for clarifying.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> LOL... when I first read your post, I thought you meant that what he was doing is ok... then re-read it and wondered. Thanks for clarifying.


I just about laughed out loud  .

I saw I didn't specify which device, well, ok there, but it didn't dawn on me you'd think I was believing what the H was doing was ok.

For shame....🙂👍.


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