# Seeking advice on marriage



## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

So my husband of 1 1/2 years suddenly is asking to go out once a month and will come home late...and he kind of brought up that he'll come home at about 1 am. We have been together for 4 years and we have 2 kids, (7 year old and 5 month old). 

Just wondering for married couples with kids, do you and your partner have some sort of arrangement when one of you would go out one night with friends and parry and the other one does the same on a different week? Is this healthy? I necessarily don't need to feel the need of something like this but I feel like he does...

I'm kind of getting paranoid that he is seeing someone because he's never asked for something like this and now it seems like it's mandatory that he had this time with his friends to drink, have fun, party and stay out late... 

Thanks. 


Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I always went out with my wife before we had kids. Except when my squad went out to the e-club or I was d driver. That happened a hand full of times a year. 

After kids, I would try date night and other things but could not get her to do so. But she found time for baby shower's and other things with her friends on occasion. 

But yes, your husband needs that time with friends and so do you. 

Are you cheating when and if you go out with friends? If not don't assume your husband is. 

But if you are not already, make time for the two of you 3 to 4 times a month. Date night. You will regret it if you do not. My wife not making one on one time went I was trying to about destroyed our marriage. We are still picking the pieces up.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

jasmine1984 said:


> So my husband of 1 1/2 years suddenly is asking to go out once a month and will come home late...and he kind of brought up that he'll come home at about 1 am. We have been together for 4 years and we have 2 kids, (7 year old and 5 month old).
> 
> Just wondering for married couples with kids, do you and your partner have some sort of arrangement when one of you would go out one night with friends and parry and the other one does the same on a different week? Is this healthy? I necessarily don't need to feel the need of something like this but I feel like he does...
> 
> ...


If it's just one a month for a few beers with the guys, then perhaps it's just to de-stress. 
Maybe you should do something similar and get him to look after the kids. 

Does he bring you out for date nights though? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

jasmine1984 said:


> *So my husband of 1 1/2 years suddenly is asking to go out once a month and will come home late.*..and he kind of brought up that he'll come home at about 1 am. We have been together for 4 years and we have 2 kids, (7 year old and 5 month old).
> 
> Just wondering for married couples with kids, do you and your partner have some sort of arrangement when one of you would go out one night with friends and parry and the other one does the same on a different week? Is this healthy? I necessarily don't need to feel the need of something like this but I feel like he does...
> 
> ...


Jasmine,

This is bull ****. Why SUDDENLY?? if this was something that you two had done regularly it might be different, but out of the blue with no explanation and coming in at 1AM. Give me a break. Where is he going, who is he going with, and is he going out dressed up or like a bunch of guys who were just hanging out would look like. So basically from what you have posted, he is a bachelor once a month and you have no clue where on earth he is. 

Now, if once a month you put on your slinkiest sexiest dress and go party at a club with girlfriends, not telling him where you are going or who with and he sits home until the middle of the night then maybe the situation is a little different. How would he like that????

yes it is good to have friends and ONCE IN A WHILE do something with them. But not leaving your spouse clueless until the middle of the night.

if you read a book called "Not Just Friends", a very popular relationship book, it will tell you and other books will tell you that after the workplace, incessant and unaccounted GNO and BNO is one of the most likely breeding ground for affairs to begin. Are the nights out co ed?? my guess is you have no clue./

Sounds like he wants the old fashioned caveman marriage where he is the king and little wifey is the baby sitter. you need to challenge this SUDDEN NEED to disappear until the middle of the night.


----------



## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I always went out with my wife before we had kids. Except when my squad went out to the e-club or I was d driver. That happened a hand full of times a year.
> 
> After kids, I would try date night and other things but could not get her to do so. But she found time for baby shower's and other things with her friends on occasion.
> 
> ...


Hi. 

I had another post titled "Advice" under daisy1984. I forgot my password so I had to create another acct. If you have a time to read it, this post will make more sense. 

We do date nights twice a week. 

And I don't usually go out at night to a pub or bar because I am currently breastfeeding our 5 month old and I'm in charge of bedtime for both of our kids every night which starts at 730 pm until 830 ( for the 7 year old) and up until 930 for our 5 month old. 

I have also let him go hunting for a week, 9 hours a way when our baby was only 2.5 months and hen another 4 day hunting trip last month. I let him do whatever he likes. 

This month however, last week, he mentioned that he has a work function (a 2-dayer). He mentioned that on one of the nights, he was thinking of crashing at one of his coworkers truck camper (he's known him for 10 years I think) instead of coming home so the it's easier for him to go to work the next day and doesn't have to take a cab home. That raised a red flag... 
This coworker of his is newly divorced and I understand that he needs to be there for him. Like the time last month when he came home at midnight from a work function when his boss left at 9:30 pm...

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


----------



## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> If it's just one a month for a few beers with the guys, then perhaps it's just to de-stress.
> Maybe you should do something similar and get him to look after the kids.
> 
> Does he bring you out for date nights though?
> ...


Once a month is fine. But lately at work functions he's been staying out late than usual.... we do date nights but nothing like drinking our faces off as I am unable to drink because of breastfeeding. 

But like what I said from I'm my reply from the first post, (if you have time to read it, please do) he's gone out hunting for a week in September, and 4 days last month. And he stayed out later than usual from a work function. He's also gone out last month too with his buddies to support one of their friends who was getting divorced. So there's been plenty of times for partying. But it just scares me that partying all of a sudden became important for him. 

I do ask for at least an hour to myself being a stay at home mom during my Maternity leave. An hour of either going to the gym/yoga, craft class or just going to a store and walk around. I do go out with my friends to a movie and this month I was out from 7 pm - 10 pm for a music show (kind of like a mini concert) at a bar. I am home at a decent time because I am the food source of our baby as she won't take a bottle.

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's more to her story/their marriage than is being disclosed here.


----------



## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Jasmine,
> 
> This is bull ****. Why SUDDENLY?? if this was something that you two had done regularly it might be different, but out of the blue with no explanation and coming in at 1AM. Give me a break. Where is he going, who is he going with, and is he going out dressed up or like a bunch of guys who were just hanging out would look like. So basically from what you have posted, he is a bachelor once a month and you have no clue where on earth he is.
> 
> ...


I feel like he is trying to impress someone. He just left for work and he got dressed up saying it's for a photo or something. My husband is pretty honest, but lately..I've been a bit paranoid. If you have a chance to read my replies from my other responses on this post, you'll understand. I also had another post titled "Advice" from a different username. I couldn't remember my password so I had to sign up for another account.

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

So he goes out even more and doesn't come home. Hmm. 

Oh, he takes guys "hunting trips" yeah my husband used to take trips too, they went to strip clubs and who knows what else. 
I put my foot down and said it's the trips or me. He chose wisely. 

He should bring you on trips outdoors and hunting when the baby gets older and you finish breastfeeding. 

He's being selfish, he should be spending quality time with the kids and giving you a break. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> So he goes out even more and doesn't come home. Hmm.
> 
> Oh, he takes guys "hunting trips" yeah my husband used to take trips too, they went to strip clubs and who knows what else.
> I put my foot down and said it's the trips or me. He chose wisely.
> ...


I believe him going hunting because he packs up our trailer with all his gears and comes home all beardy and just like he's been out in the wilderness for a week. 

It's just these work functions that had been happening a lot lately that I'm not so sure of. It becomes an excuse for him to party and now I think he wants more of that. Last night when we were talking he quickly mentioned that it's important to have fun and I said , "well I hope you think I'm still fun" he said well you don't really like going to the pub and weren't you sick and tired of drinking? I told him "we were still going to the pub for drinks until I got pregnant last year (October) and I just felt out of place to be going to a pub.

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why suddenly?

He got bored?

Someone invited him to join their group?


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

My husband and his friends use to bring their golf clubs on the plane but still managed to find time for "extra curricular activities". 
So just because he brings gear, grows a beard, brings home some meat doesn't mean he's innocent. 


jasmine1984 said:


> I believe him going hunting because he packs up our trailer with all his gears and comes home all beardy and just like he's been out in the wilderness for a week.
> 
> It's just these work functions that had been happening a lot lately that I'm not so sure of. It becomes an excuse for him to party and now I think he wants more of that. Last night when we were talking he quickly mentioned that it's important to have fun and I said , "well I hope you think I'm still fun" he said well you don't really like going to the pub and weren't you sick and tired of drinking? I told him "we were still going to the pub for drinks until I got pregnant last year (October) and I just felt out of place to be going to a pub.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## jasmine1984 (Dec 1, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Why suddenly?
> 
> He got bored?
> 
> Someone invited him to join their group?


I don't kow.

Maybe? 

Most of his friends are single or divorced. 

Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, now the thing is, you don't just magically stay married and happy. Y'all are near the 7-year itch. Those 'happy chemicals' you felt when you were dating, where you felt in love, those fade out of your body by the 2nd or 3rd year. After that, if you two aren't still finding ways to HAVE fun and BE fun, well, guess what? You become no fun. And when you add babies into the mix, even more so. 

How often are you two having sex? Do you know that it's a man's #1 need? If you aren't providing it, you're risking him finding someone else who will. 

A man's #2 need is usually admiration. Are you showing him you admire him or are you taking his providing for you for granted? 

A man's #3 need is usually fun. ARE you fun? Do you have a babysitter? Do you guys go bowling or hiking or to the movies? Men marry a woman expecting her to still do fun things with him. Are you?


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

As I mentioned in your earlier post I believe your husband is doing exactly what he wants, and what he wants is to spend more and more time away from home. There could be lot's of reasons, maybe the responsibility of the new baby, maybe you, maybe he has a girlfriend, or maybe he's doing drugs. Regardless, the more he detaches himself from you and the kids the less likely he will ever become the husband or father he should be.

And for the record I'm not saying a spouse shouldn't enjoy some free time or some socializing, heck we all need that. You just can't start ignoring your responsibility to your family, and part of that responsibility is being present.

OP you need to find out what is going on, why he is suddenly looking for reasons to be away from home. It starts with a conversation about how you are feeling and why, he either respects and loves you and the kids enough to set his own boundaries and curb his partying...or he doesn't care any longer and that can only end badly for all of you.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Cooper said:


> As I mentioned in your earlier post I believe your husband is doing exactly what he wants, and what he wants is to spend more and more time away from home. There could be lot's of reasons, maybe the responsibility of the new baby, maybe you, maybe he has, girlfriend, or maybe he's doing drugs. Regardless, the more he detaches himself from you and the kids the less likely he will ever become the husband or father he should be.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Agree.

There is a reason.

Communicate and deal or talk to you in the divorce column.

Beat luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Here's my take. Unless you're a really needy or jealous person then no red flag should be ignored.

Relationships have boundaries and one is that (IMO) neither should ever have OS friendships without the spouse or several coworkers present.

I only say that to point out that it's ok to set, monitor and enforce boundaries. It means monitoring is absolutely fine in my book.

I've got 30+ years on a good relationship with no infidelity, but I doubt either of us has ever let our guards down - meaning we immediately address uncomfortable situations.

I don't know if you have this relationship. If you do and can express your concern and he'll bend over backward to reassure you (as me and W would) then I'd go that route.

If you're not sure, then monitor to gain your own assurances. That may mean iPhone tracking, following up a bit to look for inconsistencies in his stories, and I'd put a VAR in his car.

Some Others here and ALL WS get worked up about "being spied on" but I don't see it that way. I have a right and obligation to protect myself, my marriage, my family, finances, etc. So it's not about the other person - it's about your own standards.

Hopefully these actions will give you the positive answer you hope for. If so, then start the dialog about boundaries and monitoring them and get on the same page.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Sorry to be the person, but unless you are psycho, (which I hope not), .chase girl. They wont ever change..


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey, understand not drinking, but date night doesn't need drinking. Glad to hear it is twice a week. 😁

Don't know what else to say. But hanging out with friends a few times a month is pretty normal. The over night thing could be legit. I would stay out over night for a pig roast we would do. I was the one of few that cooked it over night. We would drink a few and play cards. 

If it is about spending more time with him, tell him so. 

Just talk with him and be open about how you are feeling. 

One more possibility. You might have a touch of PPD. My wife did after all three of ours. Talk with your doc about that. M was, well, not herself let's say.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I did read your other thread, and I do think he is up to no good. That opinion is going to be reflected in my reply below.

Rarely do I ever go out with my girlfriends and it is never to a bar or a place that is known for hookups. We go have dinner together at a normal dinner time and come home. We still laugh and gossip and have fun girl time, the atmosphere is just not one of improper temptation. I'm not saying it is wrong to go to a bar, it is just not something we as married women feel the need to do.

IF I am going to go to a bar, I go with my husband...period. Lets not be naive and pretend nothing bad can come of this. Personally in your situation, I would pump some milk, leave kiddos with grandma or whoever you leave them with and go out with him. There shouldn't be anything he can't enjoy alone with his guy friends, just as well with you there. If there is something, than he probably shouldn't be doing it. He sounds like he hasn't grown up yet, and still wants to play single as often as possible.

You have very good reasons to be concerned. Just my opinion...


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

jasmine1984 said:


> I feel like he is trying to impress someone. He just left for work and he got dressed up saying it's for a photo or something. My husband is pretty honest, but lately..I've been a bit paranoid. If you have a chance to read my replies from my other responses on this post, you'll understand. I also had another post titled "Advice" from a different username. I couldn't remember my password so I had to sign up for another account.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G900W8 using Tapatalk


Jasmine,

As a BH, and probably most BS will tell you, that right after guarding the phone and living with it attached to person, the next red flag for indifelity is changing grooming and appearance.

Now, not quite sure what occupation your husband is in, but unless he is up for promotion or got a new boss, who is he trying to impress and more importantly WHY??? 

There is also an old saying on this forum and it is " trust your gut". Your gut is worked up enough to register and post your questions on a forum of strangers. So you need to find out who is is going out with on non hunting trips, where he is going, and what they are doing. And if alcohol is involved, that just adds another red flag.

So to recap, you have a husband who suddenly has started to in essence DISAPEAR once a month and surface again in the middle of the night, at the same time he is getting "spiffed" up for work in a different manner that you have noticed. Whats missing is an explanation of any of this and since you are married you deserve an explanation, which my guess is he will not give.

Date nights mean nothing. Not regarding what you are questioning. Men who do enter into inappropriate relationships mainly do so for sex and have no intention of even contemplating leaving their spouse. With women, there is generally a little more emotional involvement.

Only you can decide how to proceed. If you are really troubled, if you ask him he is going to lie to your face if he is doing anything wrong, and that is called "gaslighting". But something sounds fishy about this


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

How about showing up unprompted one night at the bar when he's there? 

Quietly get a babysitter or family member to watch the kids. 

Get dolled up and just go with fun in mind. His reaction when you show up unexpectedly will say it all.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Satya said:


> How about showing up unprompted one night at the bar when he's there?
> 
> Quietly get a babysitter or family member to watch the kids.
> 
> Get dolled up and just go with fun in mind. His reaction when you show up unexpectedly will say it all.



Jasmine,

Not a bad idea but so far you have not stated you have any idea where he is going. If it is totally innocent you will feel silly. Have you checked the cell phone records. Is his phone locked?????


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Here's my take. Unless you're a really needy or jealous person then no red flag should be ignored.
> 
> Relationships have boundaries and one is that (IMO) neither should ever have OS friendships without the spouse or several coworkers present.
> 
> ...


I have not read your other thread, OP. But if my marriage ever got to the point where my husband or I felt the need to put a VAR in each other's car, I would know it was over, or should be.

Are you going back to work soon? If so, can you afford to support your children on your own? Because if I were you, that is the direction I would head if he does not stop this partying and hanging around with unattached guys at once.

How about calling his parents and telling them what he is up to? And then having them there with you next time he gets home from work? Maybe his dad can explain what the responsibilities of a family man are. 

Very sorry you are in this position. Very wise of you to give up drinking during pregnancy and even breastfeeding. I hope you and his parents can knock some sense into your husband before he loses his family.


----------



## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

straightshooter said:


> Jasmine,
> 
> Not a bad idea but so far you have not stated you have any idea where he is going. If it is totally innocent you will feel silly. Have you checked the cell phone records. Is his phone locked?????


Good point. If she's not sure where he's going, she can ask. There's no reason to be afraid to do so. If he avoids giving straight answer, that will be telling. 

What I'm asking her to do is not be paralyzed by fear. These are simple, normal steps. She is his WIFE. She is not a stranger trying to snoop on his business. 

Ask to see his phone periodically. 
Ask where he's going and when you can expect him home. 

Don't stalk him, just be PRESENT. 

Guys will get away with everything they can. It's not about being the chill or cool wife. It's up to us as wives to set the boundaries of what is OK and NOT OK, based on our comfort levels.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> How about showing up unprompted one night at the bar when he's there?
> 
> Quietly get a babysitter or family member to watch the kids.
> 
> Get dolled up and just go with fun in mind. His reaction when you show up unexpectedly will say it all.


I like this idea a lot...


----------



## MSalmoides (Sep 29, 2016)

...


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Satya said:


> Guys will get away with everything they can. It's not about being the chill or cool wife. It's up to us as wives to set the boundaries of what is OK and NOT OK, based on our comfort levels.


We will?

Hmmm... I'm not trying hard enough. :wink2:

Seriously through... asking him where he is going is not out of line and you expect him to be truthful. I have a buddy I see once a month and I always let my wife know with whom, where, and an expected how long... sometimes it goes over and she is cool, if too long sometimes not, but if I change locations for that craft beer I always let her know.

My boundaries for myself are valued even more than her boundaries applied for me.

That said, if she was to ever drop in she would be welcomed with open arms... probably bored to no end with the conversation, but welcome nonetheless.

Just a little trust-meter calibration we all tend to need from time to time but be careful... when mistrust comes in, love goes out.


----------



## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

jasmine1984 said:


> and we have 2 kids, (7 year old and 5 month old).


IMO, a parent's primary responsibility is to their kids and this does not seem like a very healthy situation for your kids.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Satya said:


> Guys will get away with everything they can. It's not about being the chill or cool wife. It's up to us as wives to set the boundaries of what is OK and NOT OK, based on our comfort levels.


Some of us guys actually care about our partner and don't need boundaries because we don't have a need to test the limits so we can selfishly fulfill our own needs at our partner's expense. I happen to be one of them.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I go out to get drinks and dinner with my guy friends about once a month, I am never home later then 10:30, and lots of times I am texting my wife while there. Not a good sign the he has a 5 month old child at home and he is out late. I can't even imagine going out if I had a 5 month old kid. We would be going out together at that point and getting a baby sitter. Maybe, I say maybe if I was sure she wasn't going stir crazy. She would be going out with her friends too.


----------

