# Please... I need a friend to "listen"



## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

I discovered by husband of 16 years was cheating with a woman in another state. A friend of a friend. ( He doesn't work out of state anymore)
I THOUGHT we had a great marriage.4 kids, great jobs, everything we ever wanted. Usually arguements like you would expect.
He denied all the texts and pics I found. Not smart enough to deleted the old ones. 
I can't talk to my family ( big family, brothers would be irate, parents would kill him)
I am so embarrassed. I hate his guts, but I still love him. For the past 3 weeks it is so "fake". Anything I want. New camper, trips, clothes, money. 
I can't sleep, I just exercise like mad, and think of ways to hurt him emotionally and physically. 
I am a good looking woman, always attentive to him.
I feel like I am ranting all these random thoughts, but I literally dont' have anyone to talk to. I don't want anyone to know. 
We live in a very small town, no therapists. I can't tell my pastor.....My children are teenagers and don't have a clue
Please someone talk to me.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Is he still denying the affair? When did it happen? Is he faithful now? There are answers to many of your questions that could lead to healing your marriage, if you want to. What do you want? Feel free to rant and vent. The more details the more helpful it will be to considering your options. We are here to help.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

I found out a month ago. He cannot deny it because of what I read and saw.(pictures) He cried and said I am the most wonderful woman in the world...blah blah blah. That is how I feel . He said he never loved her, it was a one time stupid mistake. 
Oh ... I forgot. He did it in his home state, where his sisters live. His sisters' best friend of 25 years. She is married and has youngerish kids. He is friend with her husband. THEY STILL TEXT TO THIS DAY!!!! I hate feeling like this. I am a calm, fun person. I just want to die most days. Or wake up from this nightmare.But no... have to put on a happy face, go to work. ( My parents large company, very demanding stressful job)

What do I do????? When he touches me I want to vomit. My mind goes crazy wondering if he said this to her or touched her like this. I hurt so much I can't cry anymore.

As far as I know he has been faithful since, I is stuck to me like glue every second after work. But now I feel like how can you ever know if your husband is faithful.

Thanks sooo much for replying.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You need to sit down with him a calmly tell him how you feel. Can you forgive him? If you can you will heal. He must make some promises to you. How do you find trust again? Transparency! You need some honest talk. Look in his eyes and talk to him like a soulmate. Read His Needs, Her Needs by Harley. Samples are on his website, marriagebuilders.com. The book in invaluable and less than $20. He needs to read it to. He also has a book about recovering from an affair. It is filled with practical advice. Your marriage can be better than ever. You have been dipped into the fire. You are now alot smarter. Take advantage of this opportunity. Others will pipe in as you get closer to their time zone. 
Do you want to have a happy fulfilling marriage? It will take some work. Is your hubby up to it? I think so. He really sound remorseful You should understand that is rare at this stage. Most will be in denial no matter what you do or say. Most will blame the betrayed spouse and come up with justifications. He is taking responsibility. Your pain is still horrible. Most of us here know that pain. But you are in a great place. Let it pass. Let him touch you and hug you. Don't chase him away. That pain will be even worse. 
Make some alone time. Most couples only spend a few minutes a day talking about personal, no logistic things. Spend time alone. Two hours a day. No friends . No tv. Go for a walk. Play a board game. Stay in bed an extra hour snuggling. (When was the last ime you did that? Any of us? That is one of the reasons we are on this site.)


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

We have been doing exactly what you said. He took us out alone for a weekend. ( My kids were gone for a week). I have told him how I feel. He did listen and told me he will do anything and everything he can to make things right for me.

We were just sitting at the dinner table and my boys start talking about this person..( did I mention I am the only one in the family who doesn't know her) and I just lost my appetite. My husband gets this "lost puppy" look in his eyes and comes over to me and starts holding me and saying that I am his only girl, his special girl and things like that. In my mind I am screaming ..... and you risked all of this for her?????? 
So do I just go through the motions a little,and pretend? I do honestly love him. But what do you do when your best friend and the only one who can make things right, is the one who hurt you?

( I know this is vain and wrong, but she is sooo not skinny and beautiful like I would have thought .. somehow that seems like it would be easier to deal with)

This forum is a life saver... I mean that sincerly......

New question..... should I talk to my pastor? I have not been to church since I found out. For some reason I just cannot go.


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## NoBodyAskedMeBut (Jul 25, 2010)

I believe that you are entitled rage against what has happened to you! Right now you are probably feeling like you were not good enough but this not true, so do not internalize these emotional toxins because the poison harmful. If you allow it; the stress will slowly eat you alive from within - not a good experience and it is also unhealthy. This is definitely exhausting, time and energy consuming too. I believe that he didn't own up to what he has done after you confronted him with the evidence because he was afraid, but if he is sincere about restoring your relationship, he must refrain from contacting this other woman permanently.
In addition, he should understand that you are not interested in any type of intimacy right now because this situation has destroyed your confidence in your marriage and robbed you of the safety and security that you have come to expect, respect, and rely in within this relationship. This feels awful; I understand because I have also been on the receiving end of this day time nightmare! I do think that you all should openly discuss the who, what, when, where, and why so that you can repair this indiscretion in privacy. I honestly don't blame you for being smart enough to keep other people out of your business you will recover - it doesn't seem like it right now, but you will get better. If you feel like talking, send me a private message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

He has promised he will never speak to her again. We had a trip planned this fall and were going to go to this state and visit family. He stated he will never go there again. He gives me his phone constantly and tell me to look and see he deleted the contact. 
He is soooo not an internet person, never gets online unless I help him. ( He is a physical labor kinda guy.. not a tekkie)
I told him I am getting every phone record and if that number shows up ever again. I am done. No questions. Period. His phone is on my account through my parents company, so there is no issue with me not being able to see everything. 
The day after I found out, he called her and told her don't ever call or text again. Very rude, quick and to the point. He said she is terrified I will tell her husband. In my down moments... I think about calling him, but I probably won't. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. I pretty much know the logistics of what happened. He says out of respect for me, he won't give me the details I want. That's probably for the best. I feel like this clinging, insecure little girl, when I have always been a proud,secure easy going woman. I hate this !!!!!!!!!! It is not me!!!!

He just left to take our 14 year old to football practice. Now my mind is tormenting me.... He put on cologne, wore his new shorts.ect ect. Maybe he is looking for someone new. I want to trust him, but my mind is a dark evil place right now. How long will this last? Will is slowly get better? Do I just tread water and pray right now?


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

It will get better. You will feel a little bit better every day. There may be some triggers that will hurt you from time to time. But 60 days from now you should be in pretty good shape. I think you have a pretty good man there. He has a character flaw but he is better than most. 85 to 90% of marriages suffer some kind of infidelity. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. There are alot of bad marriages. I would guess most people think they are in bad marriages. So you are in a good place. Both of you want the same thing. You have to FORGIVE him to move on. YOu can not cling to this pain. Your pastor will certainly tell you this. Get head of the curve. Has he asked you for forgiveness?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi Tootired....

You've come to a great place to help you through this - and we're glad to help you any way we can. In reality you are in a _very_ good spot with your husband, with a great opportunity to create a much better, stronger relationship than you had before. That probably sounds strange right now, partly because it most likely seems that things were going very well before all this happened, and also because right now things seem very bleak and dark.

Be of good courage - there is hope for your marriage. 

When an affair ends, there is a lot of broken dreams and expectations that must be overcome. You have to rebuild your relationship, and your spouse must act in a way that shows you they are on your side and wish to work on the marriage with you. To that end, we normally advise three steps: 

*1)* Your husband must establish _absolutely NO contact_ with the other woman. That means not even by proxy - asking her husband (who is his friend, right?) 'how she is' is just as much a form of no contact as any other. My advice is that he end his relationship with his friend. This is the price of an affair. Such a step would be quite reassuring to you, right?

*2)* Your husband must be completely open and honest with you - this means you have complete access to his computer, passwords, phone, etc., at least for a while, until YOU believe you can trust him to stay faithful again. Even then, I believe that absolute transparent honesty is a must between married partners.

This means, however, that he does NOT have the right to withhold ANY details of this affair that you wish to learn. My advise is that these details are irrelevant (with one exception: if there was sexual contact he must get tested for any STDs). Beyond that, I'd say that there is no point in seeking details. The problems is not in WHAT happened, but is WHY it happened - and it is on that point that your marriage will be recovered and improved. But my point here is that this is YOUR decision, not his. In effect, he is not giving you details because that might cause you to react in ways that he does not want. In other words, he is withholding information in order to manipulate you. That is neither transparent, nor honest.

*3)* He must make a specific commitment to working on the marriage WITH you. That means some deep thinking, some strong introspection and examination of your relationship - and some intense learning of how the two of you interact, and what each of your emotional need and live extinguishers are. 

Consider this: it is never enough to ASSUME that you know what your partner wants or needs from you: look at how he's been acting - to quote you... "...Anything I want. New camper, trips, clothes, money..."

Not working, is it? Your response is "...I just exercise like mad, and think of ways to hurt him emotionally and physically. ..."

Instead, he needs to find out what YOU are really like; he needs to learn how to act in ways that make you feel loved, secure and wanted. And only you can teach him those things

Likewise, only he can teach you about himself. 

You asked if you should go to your pastor. That depends upon why you wish to go to him. If you wish to go to see if he can join you in inflicting some hurt on your husband, I'd say no. Your pastor should be a counselor - that is, if you DO go to him, I suggest that _both of you_ decide to do it together, and then go to him for counsel about how to deal with the hurt - and also how to reconcile. 

You can do an awful lot of work between the two of you. I'd suggest talking this over with your husband - but only after you educate yourself very thoroughly about affairs and dealing with them. You'll be surprised at what you learn - and also - how well you can heal the rift.

So please, think about hurting your husband if you need to, for the time being - but GO NO FURTHER. That is extremely counterproductive. You'll be in a lot of pain for a while, but you'll get better.


Why affairs happen

What do you do when you discover an affair?


Take your time! Go peacefully and stay calm. It's a storm that passes.

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Now playing: J. J. Cale - Humdinger
via FoxyTunes


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

thanks soooo much. 
i don't know whether to go to my pastor, because i really am so embarrassed i dont want anyone to know. my entire family goes to this church. VERY small community.

Your responses are so helpful, they make me cry.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

TooTired: 

Whatever happens think of YOU.

Go to the pastor, the church group will be then able to give you the support you need.

It’s your husband that will be embarrassed.

A few ponters…

A No Contact letter in writing is a must – You must know and assume the affair is still ongoing regardless of what he says, even if it is in his heart.

http://www.affaircare.com/Articles/NoContact.htm

It only stops when all know about it and the link is cut.

As for the other woman, well always a tough one….

I personally say it is early days and you should let her husband know, no details.

It will ensure that she will not contact your husband again and help her family start fixing their marriage, the other woman’s husband will be in more pain later when he finds out other people knew and did not tell him. What will he think if you do not let him know and your husband has to stop dealing with him. 

This is not revenge it is an approach to remove the future threat to your marriage, and look at it this way, she can learn to love her husband again.

If on the other hand you were divorced and then found out I would have said leave it..

A link below for you 

http://affaircare.blogspot.com/2010/07/7-steps-to-rebuilding-your-marriage.html


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

TooTired.... try not to be embarrassed. See it for what it is. You were a faithful spouse and your H cheated. HE should be embarrassed. I asked my husband once, a while ago, if it was such a great idea to sleep with the woman he cheated on me with, why he didn't go brag and tell anyone. Why didn't he? Because he knew it was wrong and he was embarrassed, as she was married too. He was someone's man wh***. LOL. Sorry, that sounds funny even in my mind. 

The people here all have great ideas towards moving past affairs, you just have to take it. At first you will stumble and think some of the things are unneccesary ( guilty over here too!!) but then you will realize it all helps towards closure and reconciling a HAPPY marriage. 

One of the things that happens after an affair, is that the spouse who was betrayed suffers a hit to the ego, and there are great ways to work on that as well. Go stand in your mirror, look at yourself, REALLY LOOK, and realize how wonderful you are. Ask yourself if you want this marriage. And if you decide yes, which I hope you do, then start following all the steps on this site. You are in my thoughts, and if you need anything let me know. I have been there too.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

I just what you mean. I look at myself, and I look at her picture( found it on facebook) and I think..... you risked all this to have sex with that???? 

I am really having anger issues. How long can I stand to be this angry inside? It is exhausting. I have been reading all the links provided. They are really starting to give me a tiny bit of hope. But I don't ever want to be stupid or naive again.

OH well, another day another 5 mile run/jog. ( that is my best attempt at humor, sucks doesn't it)


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> OH well, another day another 5 mile run/jog. ( that is my best attempt at humor, sucks doesn't it)


I hear that sprinting for 5 miles tends to relieve anger....


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

Today I spoke one on one with my pastor. He is 70 years old and the wisest person I know. He told me many of the same things I have read on here.
I can honestly say a weigh has been lifted just by talking to someone who will never break my trust.
He advised me to not be naive, question everything until I am satisfied , think of myself, then my children, then my marriage. 
He said I can be angry and not sin. ( I have been very concerned about my thoughts lately)

He also said when you don't know what to do... stand still and wait on God. WOW. Just what someone else said. 
I don't have to decide my entire life right now. He said he knows I can get through this, and he will not say anything to anyone including his wife unless I give permission.

For the first time in a month, I feel like I can take a deep breath and calm down the tiniest bit.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am glad you talked to someone. I think it is truly a must when going through something as difficult as this is. Just someone to help you sort your thoughts and make a plan. And he is right, no need to rush to any decisions. Take your time and let some of the anger out first. 

About your anger...sooo normal. And to release mine I would put on a pair of gloves at the gym and take it out on the punching bag. Between that and posting here I let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey been there, don't worry about the embarrassment, you have nothing to be embarrassed about, I found it actually took some pressure off me to tell others......it's so hard living with that kind of secret.
You deserve to be mad, sad, hurt, you can cry all you want....you can just feel anything you want, this is a lot like a death and the stages you go through with that......
Take your time, feel what you want.......you need to look after yourself first and then decide what you need to.......
You are worth every bit of effort you need to use right now....
There are many triggers in this kind of situation that just bring back all the hurt and anger you are feeling right now.....
Your husband does sound and is acting like he is on board with recovery of this marriage......
I know what all this feels like, it seems so pointless to put your marriage at risk for someone else that really didn't mean that much in the first place, what we believed in shattered and the man we thought we were married to seems to be someone we don't know anymore, how could they be capable of hurting us like this......
You just be honest with him and you go ahead and cry when you want to. journal your feelings, I find that just writing it down gets rid of some of my anger, you don't have to show anyone, it's just for you.......
So many emotions that we now have to deal with.....this is your chance to get the best husband that you have ever wanted, this is what I have now, it's been 8 months now since I found out about his affair.......I thought things would never get better but he has convinced me what a mistake he has made and he has told me that he is going to spend the rest of his life making this up to me........
I still don't understand how this man of mine could have done this and I'm sure you ask this question as well many times during the day/week.....for me it's still a trust issue and can I believe what he says....????? I am at this point only paying attention to his behavior and his actions.......it gets easier as each day passes..........
take all the time you need.....


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Good job!!!!! There is so much hope for your marriage! Well done!


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I am glad to hear that you can take that deep breath...especially after that long run. You are doing great. A little progress every day is all you need. Nice work. Give that huband of your a big hug.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

Well... we went out for dinner. It was so nice. It was just like an actual date.For the most part I just shut my mind down and enjoyed dinner and some conversation. Nothing serious, just work, jobs, football for my son. 
Then out of nowhere he gets a text from a mutual friend and I just mentally"freaked out" .
He showed it to me and nothing was out of line ( it was a guy) I know his number and know him, but I just had this terror that he was talking to her. I am a nutcase.
He insists I look at his phone and stuff so I can be reassured, I dunno...........
baby steps I guess


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Well, first give him a punch in the arm...
Then give him a big hug.
 
It it tough **** that is given to us to deal with.
Honestly, one thing that hleped me keep perspective - especially if your H is working hard to repair and repent - is to think of other people who have to live with absolute awfulness in their lives - a sick child, cancer... It may seem like a downer, but in the end of the day your burden - the one put on you unwillingly - is far different. Perspective. 
But yeah, give him a punch in the arm first, then a hug.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

When I was talking with my pastor, he has been battling cancer for several years, he told me that if he had a choice he would not trade my pain for his pain. I was kinda shocked. He said in his opinion it would be easier to deal with a physical problem than your spouse cheating. He said that it might even be easier to deal with the pain of death rather than your spouse cheating. 
This kinda took me off guard until I thought about it. I have dealt with many different kinds of "pain" in my life ... kids, nieces, nephews, suicide, death. Is it selfish to think this is more painful for me than anyone of those things?

I will say it again, I am so thankful I searched online and found this site. It is an absolutely sanity saver.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Well to that, yes.
A wise person once told me that a spouse who has cheated... has died. The person I WAS married to does not exist anymore. I always say to myself that I'm on my second marriage. The first was very different.
I WAS married to "the nice guy" who actually treated me like a real a-hole.
NOW I'm married to a guy who is officially a real a-hole, but he treats me like such nice guy.

What do you do with that?

A friend recently lost her husband. He died very unexpectedly - completely out of the blue - an allergic reaction. The emotions she expresses, the shock, etc - it was identical to the emotions I felt after finding out about my H.

The difference...
My H is still here. He's healthy. I'm healthy. And we are working together to make a better future for US. I think its that perspective of second chance that is so precious. 

I'm at the two year mark and recently posted "The We" - see if it makes sense to you.
Good luck. Here's to today being a little bit better.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I have heard repeatedly that the pain of finding out that your spouse has gone rogue is the most painful thing you can experience. My mom passed away last year and I thought that was the worse I could feel. But she had died and there was nothing I could do. With the affair, it feels like a death, but I am also trying to bring my marriage back to life. So the pain continues.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

Just thought I would share a few thoughts today.
Things are better for me. I feel better, and my thoughts are better. I have spent more quality time with my husband in the last two weeks than in the past 2 years. He is doing almost everything right, but not in a "fake" way. I did not think it was possible to get over this hurt, but I can start to feel forgiveness. At random times I cry and want to lash out at him,and although I think I am entitled to ... I have not. We are taking the camper and leaving in a little while. Just for a couple days. I am actually looking forward to it. 

Can I ask a graphic question? If this is too much, I apologize, but I just have questions. 


I did agree ( halfheartedly at first) to have sex again with my husband, We have always had a great sex life, but the past few days are just so ....... wonderful, for lack of a better word. I almost feel like my body is betraying my mind. Does that sound weird? I feel like I should hold back, because I still feel so betrayed, but the sex if just off the charts ....... thoughts anyone?


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## willzy (Aug 4, 2010)

V similar situation for me. Her affair is with a guy 20 yrs older. He is grey haired and weird looking. Not to brag but I know that women find me attractive and prior to marriage I had the pick of the field.

I feel like you. Really?? You risked our family for that??? I can't even compare to some weird grandad figure????

If it was George Clooney deepdown I prob would have thought fair enough, you've done well go for it...

On the bright side if i could be where you are in a month I would be over the moon. You are connecting physically (which imo is so so important to re-building love). I would just say on that - go with it and don't question it. Your relationship can only be better for it, there is literally not a single downside to having great sex with your husband.

It also sounds like he is trying to be open with you and allay your suspicions. Sounds to me like you have some momentum. Grab onto it and look fwd not backwards. You give me hope - GL


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Honestly, stick with your boundaries. If you need him to get tested to even feel comfortable with any physical contact, then request it and make sure to tell him you NEED that to feel safe and close with him. If you are just worried you are setting yourself up for more hurt, well we all take that risk everyday lol. 

Mentally, having sex will allow you to connect deeply with him, but it also isn't going to make the problems and the hurt disappear. It might actually be really hard on you the first couple of times. So take it step by step and go with what you are comfortable with. Make sure you communicate to him how you are feeling about it the whole time. He may take your not wanting to have sex in a whole different way. So you have to tell him what is going on so he can be understanding and be by your side helping you work through it.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You are doing great. Stay the course. Rebuilding the love is what you need to work on. Meet his needs and stay away from the love busters. Now that the bond is getting stronger work on being the soulmate. Treat him like you are dating. What do you want to do with your future? Try some different things. If you have differing ideas on what you want to do today or tomorrow, find mutual ground and try your best to both be satisfied with where you are going. Enthusiastic agreement. 
Have you read Harley's His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving an Affair? The have been read and used by most of the regulars on this site.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

So .... I just wanted to post that this site is so helpful and I read others' posts everyday. 
My H and I are doing really good for the most part. Yesterday we booked a 7 day cruise and are going to the Carribean in October. I am so excited.

Question------ This weekend we were camping with several friends and some "aquaintances" ect. Large group about 75 including kids. 
An "kinda" friend is talking to my H and I . We all chipped in for the meat for dinner and she was telling us what we owed. Well she puts her hand on my H 's arm and squeezes and says Oh you didn't know, we are secret lovers and we can take it out in trade. My H kinda laughes and say something... at this point I actually can't hear the conversation because of the "buzzing " in my ears. I literally almost attacked both of them. I guess I looked weird, because she says I was only kidding. My H immediatley hugs me and we walk away and he reassures me over and over. I told him that this kind of joking can not happen right now because of my feelings. ( 6 months ago we would have all laughed and that would have been the end of it)
Now it brought everything right back front and center in my mind and I have to work everyday all over again to concentrate on all the positives. And as strange as it sounds I truly feel like my marriage is better than it ever was in the past 16 years.


Is it normal to over react to a normal ordinary comment like this? I felt sick for at least an hour. I wanted to have fun, but it kinda wrecked that evening for me. Everyone has such great advise and comments, is the just part of the process? 
( now my "kinda" friend thinks I am mad at her, and I do not want to tell her why I acted like that) 

???


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Totally normal. That's a pretty obvious trigger to get your mind buzzing again & if your friend has no idea what went on, I am sure she was just joking as usual. Your h was probably stuck too, can't really say anything and it probably didn't trigger anything for him, until he saw your reaction. It does get better over time (especially with hearing how things are going well in your marriage)


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I'm glad you talked to your pastor, do you have a friend that is close that you can talk to also, that can "hang out" with you and be there with you? For my situation, my sister in law is my go to person. We are in counseling, so we have that, but the person outside of counseling that I can talk to, text or call is my sister in law. 

Are you still keeping this a secret? I assume that you are. I understand why. I know what it's like to live in a small community. However, you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You didn't cheat. I can tell you from experience that it is VERY liberating to tell people that my husband had an affair. In fact, in my situation because my husband was in such denial, I had an intervention. So, basically all our friends know, my family knows, his family knows, one of our neighbors knows. While he's thoroughly embarrassed, it's served it's purpose in allowing me to free the shameful secret and then move on. The support I got from EVERYONE around me was amazing!! That is helping me heal. I know it may be difficult for you to let the secret out, but it may be necessary so that your friends can help support you. I'm sure if your friend knew she wouldn't have made the comment/joke she did at the camp out. She would have been supportive of you instead.

Something else to consider, the details of the affair. I know you don't want to know what they are. But, as I learn more and more about my husbands affair, I realize that the reasons for the affair have more to do with the state of our marriage before the affair happened than anything. The other woman in my case isn't nearly as attractive as I am. My situation has a twist though that I won't go into, but I know as my husband and I work on what was wrong with our marriage before the affair, we are actually repairing a lot of damage made by the affair. For me, the details have been part of this because in those details I am learning what the problems were, that he didn't find her more attractive than me. My confidence is actually being repaired by learning the details of their affair. While I know your spouse may not want to share them, mine didn't either, with time the details have come out more and more and it has helped me. It may not help you, but think on it and consider it.

You must tell the other woman's husband. You are not the one that will be hurting him. She has already done that. You will serve a couple of purposes by sharing this with her husband. First, you ensure that the affair will not start up again because she has her own deterrent keeping her from contacting your husband. The other is that you will be giving her husband the chance to make his own decisions based on the best information he could have. You never know what their marriage is all about, but he should know what happened so he can make his own decisions. I would share the information and proof you have about the affair with him, he may need it to believe something happened. Yes, my husband had an affair with a woman that was married and yes I told her husband. It was one of the best moves I made.

You are grieving. I've lost many people to death in my life. I've been through the grieving process quite a bit. I know it well. I feel the same way I do when a loved one dies. The big difference is that death is final and you can learn to adapt and move on from that loss. With infidelity, the spouse is there always to serve as the reminder that they had an affair. You are grieving for the marriage that you felt safe and secure in and now is gone. You have to rebuild that and it can be a difficult process to go through, much more so than grieving for the death of a loved one. Having this feeling is normal.

You will ride the emotional roller coaster, as my counselor calls it, the crazy train will arrive in your life, you will climb on and ride it for all it's worth. This is normal. But, you have to figure out ways in your life and with your spouse to be able to get off that crazy train and not ride it for quite as long as you did the last time. I've boarded the crazy train plenty since I found out about my husbands affair, but I'm not getting on it as often or staying on it as long.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

As strange as it sounds, I really don't want to tell a friend, or anyone else ( I did talk to my pastor) I am starting to get to the place, where I don't think about it everyone moment. It I had overreacted with a close friend, I might feel differently, but this was just an aquaintance. 
As far as telling the OW's husband, I just can't bring myself to do it. I feel like telling at this point would only be negative for me. Then I kinda feel guilty for not telling. Since my H and I are doing so well and have total transparency with everything, should I really tell. I just want to be done with the "drama" and work on our lives together. Do you think it will hurt our healing process if I don't tell the Other Husband?


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Only you can decide if it'll hurt your healing process. In my situation I had to tell her husband because I needed to ensure in every way, I had control over, that I caused the affair to permanently end AND having it aired to everyone we know and to her husband would also prevent it from happening again.

I guess I also see it like this.... I would want someone to tell me about it. I wouldn't want to be left in the dark and not know about something so significant. But, only you can make the decisions that are right for you. And right now, all your decisions should be made with YOU in mind before anyone else.


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## TooTired (Jul 26, 2010)

This was my first post on this site. I just took a minute and reread everything I wrote. It almost feels like I / we are totally different people. 
We have other "issues" which I posted about a couple weeks ago. But that seems a little better as well . 
I just wanted to let everyone know that you can survive a cheating spouse. It is by far the hardest thing I have ever went through. It has been about 2 1/2 years since I found out. I will say that still it is never away in my mind. I might go a day or two at most and think about it, but always it is there. I have taught myself to push it out of my mind and to not dwell on it. I think of it as a battle scar, it will always be a part of me, but I don't have to look at it all the time, and in a very painful way this scar has made me a better person. 

Thanks to all the friends above who posted to help me through. 
I pray God helps you find peace!


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You need to place as much pressure on your H to prevent a relapse and avoid rug sweeping.


The excitement of cheating in the mind is too great (Dopamine x novelty), he will fall if you do not help him, because he cannot help himself. Do not fall into a FALSE reconciliation, rug sweeping the affair.

Find the OWH and expose to him. The OW/OW Spouse is the best bet. Tell his family members if not yours. 

Tell him you want transparency, std tests, constant location check, absolutely no drinking, no going out with friends, no golfing with pals, no burner phones, no personal use on work phones, no extra marital/curricular activities.

The vacation is nice and dandy but this can cause false reconciliations. There has been crying, great vacations and yet in the end, these cheating addicts end up where they started AND sometimes WORSE.


It does not seem you are going through any hysterical bonding, quite the contrary. 

Take into account that your emotions and your mind has been capsized. Use the 180 to help distinguish your real thoughts from random thoughts :
The Healing Heart: The 180

Show him tough love. His cheating has no excuses, 100% selfishness, and no one to blame except for himself.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Ummm Clean ...

She was just posting an update from 2 years ago. Look at the posting date on the previous responses.

TooTired:

Sounds like you're doing well. Take care and god bless.

Edit: Never-mind, I found her other thread.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

ironman said:


> Ummm Clean ...
> 
> She was just posting an update from 2 years ago. Look at the posting date on the previous responses.
> 
> ...


whoops


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Thanks for the update


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