# Why The Dishonesty?



## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

My husband has been secretly masturbating and lying about it since we were dating. He knows how much I hate it. More than the masturbating, I hate the fact that he feels the need to hide it and even lie whenever I bring it up. I thought that maybe, after we were married, he would feel comfortable enough to just be honest about it. Apparently not. We've been married for 9 years and this is still happening. I finally reached a breaking point and demanded that he discuss it with me. This happened after I caught him hiding in our bedroom closet to finish masturbating because I woke up and he didn't want me to catch him while he was mid-orgasm. That was the last straw for me. 

I thought we had a productive discussion. I expressed the fact that it was not necessary for him to hide it from me and that I am offended by him lying to me about it. He told me that he has always done it but has always felt ashamed by it. It was basically a habit for him to hide it and deny it. I told him that the hiding and denying was the problem for me. Yes, I would prefer if he didn't do it and just had sex with me instead, but I can accept it as long as he's honest about it.

Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and we are back where we started. Whenever he hears me approaching, he fixes himself up and comes out of whatever room he was masturbating in. Same ol', same ol'. Why?


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## Mjuly540 (Jul 4, 2018)

Is he watching anything while masturbating?


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Mjuly540 said:


> Is he watching anything while masturbating?


Yes, he watches porn while masturbating.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Masturbation is fairly normal for men and women. Doing it in private is also fairly normal. Neither men, nor women use it as a conversation starter in everyday life, or even in marriage. So, I have to wonder how often he does it and how often you have sex. I'm not looking to get deep into this conversation with you. I figure most members will want to know these things so they can help you.

You really do need to be his first choice. If you are ill, or unavailable for some reason, I don't think it is wrong to relieve himself...….. once in a while. 

Is he watching a great deal of porn? Why doesn't he want you? What's happening at home? Something makes it easier and less of a struggle to have sex with his hand than with his wife, you.


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## Mjuly540 (Jul 4, 2018)

Have you seen what type of porn he’s into? If not, maybe he’s into something he’s ashamed of sharing with you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Things we need to know to help you:

How often do you have sex?
Are you satisfied with that amount?
Is he satisfied with that amount?
Do you refuse him for sex, and if so how often?
Does he refuse you for sex, and if so, how often?
How old are each of you?
How do you feel about his porn use?


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

You said he knows you hate it. Probably what motivates him to hide from you. He feels shame because you are ashamed of that part of him. However assuming you have an otherwise healthy sex life and he isn’t a porn addict his behavior is fairly normal.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Masturbation is fairly normal for men and women. Doing it in private is also fairly normal. Neither men, nor women use it as a conversation starter in everyday life, or even in marriage. So, I have to wonder how often he does it and how often you have sex. I'm not looking to get deep into this conversation with you. I figure most members will want to know these things so they can help you.
> 
> You really do need to be his first choice. If you are ill, or unavailable for some reason, I don't think it is wrong to relieve himself...….. once in a while.
> 
> Is he watching a great deal of porn? Why doesn't he want you? What's happening at home? Something makes it easier and less of a struggle to have sex with his hand than with his wife, you.


I've been trying to figure all of that out for a while now. I have no idea. He masturbates once a day at least. We probably could be having sex more often, but 2 or 3 times a week isn't that bad right? When we talked he did mention that the challenge of having sex with 3 kids in the house is discouraging. I understand that. He says that he always wants to have sex with me, yet he masturbates instead of even trying to initiate sex.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Mjuly540 said:


> Have you seen what type of porn he’s into? If not, maybe he’s into something he’s ashamed of sharing with you.


I keep thinking this may be an issue too.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Things we need to know to help you:
> 
> How often do you have sex?
> Are you satisfied with that amount?
> ...


We have sex several times a week. I am not satisfied with that, but I can deal with it. He says he wants more sex, but doesn't really initiate it. I used to refuse him, but I was ill and that was a few years ago. He never refuses me for sex. He is 43 and I am 36. I don't usually mind the porn. I think what is bothering me is the dishonesty of it.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

stro said:


> You said he knows you hate it. Probably what motivates him to hide from you. He feels shame because you are ashamed of that part of him. However assuming you have an otherwise healthy sex life and he isn’t a porn addict his behavior is fairly normal.


I hate the dishonesty. Not the masturbating. When he hides it from me and blatantly lies to me about it. That's what I hate.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

A lot of the time dishonesty and hiding things comes from a lack of trust.

Perhaps you could try simply accepting him exactly as he is and not bring it up anymore, and see if that helps?


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

I honestly don't remember giving him any reason to be dishonest about it. If I did, I would hope that he might say something about that when I confronted him.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I honestly don't remember giving him any reason to be dishonest about it. If I did, I would hope that he might say something about that when I confronted him.


It might have nothing to do with you, but it still could cause him to feel shame - and that leads to a need to hide and protect ourselves.

It's when we feel loved and accepted that we come out of our shells.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

minimalME said:


> A lot of the time dishonesty and hiding things comes from a lack of trust.
> 
> Perhaps you could try simply accepting him exactly as he is and not bring it up anymore, and see if that helps?


I have always accepted him. In the 13 years we have been together, I have brought it up twice. Once when we first started dating and once a few weeks ago. I will not accept dishonesty. I have never been dishonest with him and I don't deserve dishonesty from him.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I've been trying to figure all of that out for a while now. I have no idea. He masturbates once a day at least. We probably could be having sex more often, but 2 or 3 times a week isn't that bad right? When we talked he did mention that the challenge of having sex with 3 kids in the house is discouraging. I understand that. He says that he always wants to have sex with me, yet he masturbates instead of even trying to initiate sex.


Well, first of all, he has to help with things at home to lessen the burden on both of you. The kids have to be in bed at a certain time, all the time, or as much as is possible. You two need to talk and date each other. You need to remember that you two lusted after each other and why. It takes time and effort, but even a schedule for those who don't really like them can be okay, if it isn't mentioned, but is planned for with sexy and loving teasing and things for prep beforehand. I think you know what I mean. I am not very proficient today with expressing myself. I hope you do, anyway.

There are some books you can read. Someone knows what they are and they seem to help most couples. 

One thing you have to keep in mind is, what is enough for you may not necessarily be enough for him. I know. You are exhausted and doing the best you can. That's why he will have to help you unburden your mind from the responsibilities you have and court you, if I may use that term. He needs to make love to your mind first, before your body will want to follow through. 

I feel like I'm telling you what to do and I don't like that. Sorry, if you feel that way after reading this. These are suggestions, not orders.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I will second the "old habits die hard" comment. I've been masturbating since high school. No one ever talked about it and masturbation was always the butt of jokes, even in the locker room. The punchline was always along the lines of, "you do that because your hand is your only friend". Same thing on TV, if it was ever mentioned. No one ever talked about it, and you'd certainly never admit to doing it - even though you knew everyone else was doing it. Well, everyone except girls because girls never thought about that   (I kid, yet I don't kid).

Fast forward to being married for 24-ish years. I still have a very difficult time masturbating in bed next to my wife when she's not in the mood for sex. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable. I would rather wait until she's asleep or not around, or just not do it even though I might be horny. Part of it is wondering what she thinks about me wanting more sex than she does, maybe even a little worry about being judged. Also, while I do often entertain myself with fantasies about her and sex with her, sometimes it's other weird stupid fantasy stuff.

All of which is to say that you're fighting a very deeply ingrained sense that masturbation isn't something you share with anyone. I don't think that you need to "get over it", but I think you need to change your approach. I think it might be useful to say, "it's okay if you feel like it's too personal to share" rather than saying "don't hide it from me". You can also beat him to the punch as it were by offering to masturbate with him sometime. Not just saying, "hey ask me" (which could be a good idea) but sometime when you're in bed say "hey, I was thinking about rubbing one out, wanna watch?" Make it something that you can share together. It will probably lead to sex, which makes it part of your shared lovemaking. Even then, it will probably take a while for him to get over the "don't ask, don't tell, keep it private" mentality.

Edited to add : He might think that he's doing you a favor by taking care of himself when you're not in the mood. Also, "sex for one" seems kind of awkward (and maybe even rude) when someone else is in the room. You watching him might make him uncomfortable.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sorry to say that many, if not most men masturbate as your husband does. Men are visually stimulated while women are not. Masturbation is far better than cheating which is the alternative some men choose. Masturbation is good. It reduces stress and exercises his prostate which reduces his chance of Prostate cancer in the future. Masturbation is not cheating anymore than looking at attractive women in every day life or fantasizing. Women normally also see attractive men and more than a few think about them when having sex with other men. I know that my wife does.

Masturbation is only a problem if it interferes in his life or your marriage. I do not mean you just not liking it due to being insecure about your desirability, but when he refuses sex with you due to having masturbated too much. If he is taking care of your sexual needs, there is no problem other than that you have decided to be a problem. Many times by masturbating to porn, the man has more sex with his wife. She reaps the benefits of his masturbation fantasies. 

Do you masturbate? I know my wife and every girl I have ever dated has a vibrator and masturbated. I assure you that they were not masturbating to images of me. Most people masturbate and if you do not it may be worth while to explore why not with a sex therapist. It is as old and natural as mankind is. We are all wired to be sexually attracted to others and masturbation is the safest outlet to feed that need.

Having said all this there is something that is very popular among couples these days. It is called Chastity Play. The man wears a chastity cage that is locked around his penis with his wife holding the keys to the lock. While not 100% foolproof, it will tend to make the man not masturbate or masturbate less. Google Male Chastity and follow some links. You are not the only women who does not want their mate to masturbate and there are men who feel it is interfering in their personal and married lives who need help in breaking the habit. Masturbation is not technically an addiction. It is a habit.

I masturbated since I was 12 to pictures of naked girls. I have masturbated even when I was living with two girls and dating another. It relieved my stress and eased me into sleep each night. In my case my wife was always willing to try something new and we played with others and we both fell in love with the same women who came to live with us. We tried all the fetishes we could fine and I did not even visit a sex site online. No need to as my wife had arranged our sex life so that we were both more than sexually satisfied and did not need to go top outside sources. Still we both masturbated at times as it is nice to just do it yourself when no one is around.

You may want to explore why you find your husband's masturbation unacceptable. Does looking at images of women who he will never ever meet or have feelings for threaten you in some way. Do you think it is disrespectful in some way and why. We all think about other girls so to your way of thinking all girls are disrespected by all men. My wife masturbates much more than I do and I am not threatened by it or think it is disrespectful. In fact, I encourage her to masturbate as it is good for us all.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

minimalME said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > I honestly don't remember giving him any reason to be dishonest about it. If I did, I would hope that he might say something about that when I confronted him.
> ...


I love and accept everything about him. I always have. That's why this one thing confuses me so much. I happen to think we have a good marriage in general. We're like partners in crime. This is really the only real ongoing conflict we have. Everything else we've been able to talk about and work out.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I have always accepted him. In the 13 years we have been together, I have brought it up twice. Once when we first started dating and once a few weeks ago. I will not accept dishonesty. I have never been dishonest with him and I don't deserve dishonesty from him.


Everyone's dishonest to some degree. No one is 100% forthright about their motives and intentions.

You're free to create any standard you wish, and you're free to present it to your husband, but you're on shaky ground when you begin to try to dictate what people think about and how they express themselves sexually.

Having said that though, I get it. My ex-husband chose pornography and masturbation over a healthy sexual relationship with me. And I did divorce him.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> Sorry to say that many, if not most men masturbate as your husband does. Men are visually stimulated while women are not. Masturbation is far better than cheating which is the alternative some men choose. Masturbation is good. It reduces stress and exercises his prostate which reduces his chance of Prostate cancer in the future. Masturbation is not cheating anymore than looking at attractive women in every day life or fantasizing. Women normally also see attractive men and more than a few think about them when having sex with other men. I know that my wife does.
> 
> Masturbation is only a problem if it interferes in his life or your marriage. I do not mean you just not liking it due to being insecure about your desirability, but when he refuses sex with you due to having masturbated too much. If he is taking care of your sexual needs, there is no problem other than that you have decided to be a problem. Many times by masturbating to porn, the man has more sex with his wife. She reaps the benefits of his masturbation fantasies.
> 
> ...


Wow. Ok, I didn't exactly read your entire post yet because I think you kind of missed the point of mine and I wanted to address it ASAP. I am upset with his dishonesty about it. Not the masturbation Itself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Time to slowly talk with him about it. Hopefully, you will be alone with him and have time. That's tough to do.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

minimalME said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > I have always accepted him. In the 13 years we have been together, I have brought it up twice. Once when we first started dating and once a few weeks ago. I will not accept dishonesty. I have never been dishonest with him and I don't deserve dishonesty from him.
> ...


You're right. I haven't been 100% honest. No one is. I don't always tell him everything, but when asked a direct question about anything I do always tell the truth. I don't expect him to just blurt it out everytime I walk into a room or anything. But if I notice clear signs that you were just masturbating and I ask you if you were, why would you say you weren't?


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> Time to slowly talk with him about it. Hopefully, you will be alone with him and have time. That's tough to do.


It is sometimes difficult to find an appropriate time for those talks and I don't want to keep bringing it up. I'm not a fan of nagging. I just want him to tell me what is going on.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> You're right. I haven't been 100% honest. No one is. I don't always tell him everything, but when asked a direct question about anything I do always tell the truth. I don't expect him to just blurt it out everytime I walk into a room or anything. But if I notice clear signs that you were just masturbating and I ask you if you were, why would you say you weren't?


I don't know. Maybe he feels shame. Maybe he thinks it's none of your business. I have no clue.

But I doubt that bringing it up anymore will help. 

You have every right to decide what you're willing to live with and what you aren't, but you need to be fully prepared to follow through if you issue an ultimatum.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I love and accept everything about him. I always have. That's why this one thing confuses me so much. I happen to think we have a good marriage in general. We're like partners in crime. This is really the only real ongoing conflict we have. Everything else we've been able to talk about and work out.


The thing is that this is not about you accepting this about him, IMO. I don't think it's about you at all. It's about a lifetime of thinking that masturbation is something private, and yes even embarrassing. I close the bathroom door when I take a dump too. Not because I feel like I have to hide it from my wife, but because who wants to watch that? 

I think it's important to pick your battles and decide which hills you'll let your marriage die on. This doesn't seem like one of those to me, but I get where you're coming from. I'd suggest just letting him know that you're okay with it, that you don't really understand the secrecy but that you'll respect his desire to keep it private anyway, and let this one go. Marriage can be hard enough without obsessing over something that, frankly, seems to boil down to a matter of perspective. You view it as hiding it, he views it as "me time" that is awkward when you're in the room.

This is going to be TMI, but there was a time when we were in a serious sexual dry spell in my marriage. I won't go into it here, but I will say that there were times that my wife would encourage me to masturbate when she wasn't in the mood. She would kiss, caress, play with my nipples, and put her hand over mine while I took care of myself. It was very hot, and she enjoyed being able to do that for me when sex wasn't in the cards, but even then it seemed kind of awkward to me. It was a nice gesture, and it it did make it easier to talk about it, and it was nice waiting until she was asleep. Maybe something like that will help make it something the two of you can share, and make him less likely to sneak off to rub one out.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> Sorry to say that many, if not most men masturbate as your husband does. Men are visually stimulated while women are not. Masturbation is far better than cheating which is the alternative some men choose. Masturbation is good. It reduces stress and exercises his prostate which reduces his chance of Prostate cancer in the future. Masturbation is not cheating anymore than looking at attractive women in every day life or fantasizing. Women normally also see attractive men and more than a few think about them when having sex with other men. I know that my wife does.
> 
> Masturbation is only a problem if it interferes in his life or your marriage. I do not mean you just not liking it due to being insecure about your desirability, but when he refuses sex with you due to having masturbated too much. If he is taking care of your sexual needs, there is no problem other than that you have decided to be a problem. Many times by masturbating to porn, the man has more sex with his wife. She reaps the benefits of his masturbation fantasies.
> 
> ...


Now that I have fully read your post, I can assure you that this is not my issue. I would prefer that he not masturbate, but I understand that he feels like he needs to. That's fine. And yes, I do masturbate on occasion as well. It has always been when he was unable to have sex. His dishonesty about it is what upsets me. That's all.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> You're right. I haven't been 100% honest. No one is. I don't always tell him everything, but when asked a direct question about anything I do always tell the truth. I don't expect him to just blurt it out everytime I walk into a room or anything. But if I notice clear signs that you were just masturbating and I ask you if you were, why would you say you weren't?


Because a question like that is loaded with judgement. "Did you eat the last cookie?" You both know he ate a cookie, so try just affirming that it's okay instead of asking. "Hey, sorry I interrupted your moment .. don't mind me" or "I'd love to give you a hand if you'd like" acknowledges that you know what's up, don't mind, and aren't giving him the "Are you masturbating again?" stink eye. Just my $.02.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> It is sometimes difficult to find an appropriate time for those talks and I don't want to keep bringing it up. I'm not a fan of nagging. I just want him to tell me what is going on.


I doubt he will give it up, if he is getting sex like three times a week every week possible. He may want it to be more exciting and adventurous, but knows that's too much to ask because he really does know you are so busy. Plus, with kids, I don't know how you can find a time and place to let your wild sides hang out together. I get the sense you would if you could, and you'd enjoy it. I think you both need to work on that, but first, find out what is going on by talking. 

See, finding the time to talk will help get you closer to him and him to you. It will show you both you can make time for each other. It will make you closer and want to help each other free up time, because there is a nice reward for both of you. 

Well, that's my hope for you both. I can't know, since I don't really know either of you. You have to think about all of these suggestions and take them with a grain of salt, so to speak. Decide what is best for you, even if you don't get it right the first time, there are other ways to approach it all. Work on it and you will both appreciate each other more.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

pplwatching said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > I love and accept everything about him. I always have. That's why this one thing confuses me so much. I happen to think we have a good marriage in general. We're like partners in crime. This is really the only real ongoing conflict we have. Everything else we've been able to talk about and work out.
> ...


What's funny is that he is not that private. He uses the bathroom with the door open....no matter what he's doing. Lol.

I see what you mean though. There was a period of time where we tried mutual masturbation and even just me watching him masturbate. We stopped doing that because he said it made him feel awkward. I get that he needs "me time". It is not my intention to make him feel bad about doing it or stopping him. I just want him to stop lying to me about. I hate miss, but most of all I hate unnecessary lies.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> See, finding the time to talk will help get you closer to him and him to you. It will show you both you can make time for each other. It will make you closer and want to help each other free up time, because there is a nice reward for both of you.


I think it would bring them closer if he actually initiated the conversation and wanted to talk about it, but he doesn't. She's 'confronted' him twice (?), and so if she continues, I'd think it'd do the opposite and shut him down even more.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

pplwatching said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > You're right. I haven't been 100% honest. No one is. I don't always tell him everything, but when asked a direct question about anything I do always tell the truth. I don't expect him to just blurt it out everytime I walk into a room or anything. But if I notice clear signs that you were just masturbating and I ask you if you were, why would you say you weren't?
> ...


I see what you're saying, but there's no judgment or "stink eye" when I ask. Is more of a "Hey, were you busy?" type of question. The stink eye comes after the lie is told.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > I've been trying to figure all of that out for a while now. I have no idea. He masturbates once a day at least. We probably could be having sex more often, but 2 or 3 times a week isn't that bad right? When we talked he did mention that the challenge of having sex with 3 kids in the house is discouraging. I understand that. He says that he always wants to have sex with me, yet he masturbates instead of even trying to initiate sex.
> ...


I just saw this post. These are definitely good suggestions. Thank you.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I see what you're saying, but there's no judgment or "stink eye" when I ask. Is more of a "Hey, were you busy?" type of question. The stink eye comes after the lie is told.


Asking the question can be a form of stink eye in and of itself to someone who feels like they just got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely agree that he shouldn't lie and shouldn't even feel like he has to lie. But if you make this a deal breaker, then prepare for a broken marriage. Is it worth that compared to the rest of your marriage?

All that I can suggest given that you're okay with the act itself and know that he won't 'fess up, for whatever reason (embarrassment, awkwardness, etc), is that you either don't say anything or get in the habit of giving him a sexy wink and a smile (even if he says "what?"). Throw in the occasional "I'm here for you any time you need a hand" if you want. You will have communicated effectively, and it will be a lot less stressful than confronting him.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

pplwatching said:


> I will second the "old habits die hard" comment. I've been masturbating since high school. No one ever talked about it and masturbation was always the butt of jokes, even in the locker room. The punchline was always along the lines of, "you do that because your hand is your only friend". Same thing on TV, if it was ever mentioned. No one ever talked about it, and you'd certainly never admit to doing it - even though you knew everyone else was doing it. Well, everyone except girls because girls never thought about that <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a> <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a> (I kid, yet I don't kid).
> 
> Fast forward to being married for 24-ish years. I still have a very difficult time masturbating in bed next to my wife when she's not in the mood for sex. Frankly, it makes me uncomfortable. I would rather wait until she's asleep or not around, or just not do it even though I might be horny. Part of it is wondering what she thinks about me wanting more sex than she does, maybe even a little worry about being judged. Also, while I do often entertain myself with fantasies about her and sex with her, sometimes it's other weird stupid fantasy stuff.
> 
> ...


I just saw this post. It's tough to keep up when I'm on my phone instead of my PC. I guess I could probably try a different approach. I figured he might be able to just tell me if it's something that is not up for discussion. I can deal with that a lot better than him lying about it completely.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

pplwatching said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > I see what you're saying, but there's no judgment or "stink eye" when I ask. Is more of a "Hey, were you busy?" type of question. The stink eye comes after the lie is told.
> ...


Well we aren't in broken marriage territory. Not over something like this. It's just something that I think about more than I'd like to. Mainly because it seems like just when I have gotten over the anger, a few days later I run into the same scenario. I approach the room and hear him fumbling around to hide what he was doing. A lot of the time I am fuming over it and he has no clue that I'm even upset with him.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Why do you question him about his masturbation habits when you two are having sex 3x per week?


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I guess I could probably try a different approach. I figured he might be able to just tell me if it's something that is not up for discussion. I can deal with that a lot better than him lying about it completely.


Speaking only from personal experience, we're told that we're supposed to be able to talk about anything. It can be difficult to acknowledge that there's something that we don't want to talk about. Even so, I think it would be better to break down the barrier with a playful approach rather than just bury the subject completely.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> Well we aren't in broken marriage territory. Not over something like this. It's just something that I think about more than I'd like to. Mainly because it seems like just when I have gotten over the anger, a few days later I run into the same scenario. I approach the room and hear him fumbling around to hide what he was doing. A lot of the time I am fuming over it and he has no clue that I'm even upset with him.





SevenXII said:


> He knows how much I hate it ... More than the masturbating, I hate the fact that he feels the need to hide it and even lie whenever I bring it up .. I finally reached a breaking point and demanded that he discuss it with me ... That was the last straw for me.


Hate, anger, fuming, no clue I'm upset with him, just got over it and it's back again. These are all precursors to bigger problems if you aren't careful. They can also be symptoms of other problems that are simply manifesting themselves in your sex life. 

I applaud you for wanting truthfulness in your marriage. It's what we should all be striving for. If this is something you can approach differently knowing what you know, then immovable object doesn't have to meet unstoppable force. You may be able to get where you need to be eventually, but as with many things in marriage a little patience may be in order. 

Best to you both


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Red Sonja said:


> Why do you question him about his masturbation habits when you two are having sex 3x per week?


It's more of me questioning the noises I hear when approaching whatever room he's in.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

pplwatching said:


> SevenXII said:
> 
> 
> > Well we aren't in broken marriage territory. Not over something like this. It's just something that I think about more than I'd like to. Mainly because it seems like just when I have gotten over the anger, a few days later I run into the same scenario. I approach the room and hear him fumbling around to hide what he was doing. A lot of the time I am fuming over it and he has no clue that I'm even upset with him.
> ...


Thank you


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SevenXII said:


> It is not my intention to make him feel bad about doing it or stopping him. I just want him to stop lying to me about. I hate miss, but most of all I hate unnecessary lies.


But it IS your intention to make him 'admit' it like it's something he 'has' to confess to you.

He doesn't WANT to. It's embarrassing for him and it's something he does on his own and he doesn't want to be reporting to you about it every time he does it. Why can't you just *respect* that and stop acting like he's not entitled to 10 minutes of privacy?

Don't want to be lied to? Then stop grilling him about it if you 'catch' him. He's not your child. He's a grown ass man.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> But it IS your intention to make him 'admit' it like it's something he 'has' to confess to you.
> 
> He doesn't WANT to. It's embarrassing for him and it's something he does on his own and he doesn't want to be reporting to you about it every time he does it. Why can't you just *respect* that and stop acting like he's not entitled to 10 minutes of privacy?
> 
> Don't want to be lied to? Then stop grilling him about it if you 'catch' him. He's not your child. He's a grown ass man.


I'm not grilling him. I don't expect him to report to me about anything. Most of the time when I "catch" him I am asking him out of concern for something that's not even related. It doesn't dawn on me that he was masturbating until after he lies about it. Then I think about it and and notice the signs. After that I say nothing. I respect him. I get upset with his dishonesty because I feel like it is disrespectful to me for him to lie lime that.

As a "grown ass man" he should be man enough to truthfully answer a simple question, such as "Are you ok? I heard a strange noise." How exactly is that grilling him? 

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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

SevenXII said:


> My husband has been secretly masturbating and lying about it since we were dating. He knows how much I hate it. More than the masturbating, I hate the fact that he feels the need to hide it and even lie whenever I bring it up. I thought that maybe, after we were married, he would feel comfortable enough to just be honest about it. Apparently not. We've been married for 9 years and this is still happening. I finally reached a breaking point and demanded that he discuss it with me. This happened after I caught him hiding in our bedroom closet to finish masturbating because I woke up and he didn't want me to catch him while he was mid-orgasm. That was the last straw for me.
> 
> I thought we had a productive discussion. I expressed the fact that it was not necessary for him to hide it from me and that I am offended by him lying to me about it. He told me that he has always done it but has always felt ashamed by it. It was basically a habit for him to hide it and deny it. I told him that the hiding and denying was the problem for me. Yes, I would prefer if he didn't do it and just had sex with me instead, but I can accept it as long as he's honest about it.
> 
> Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and we are back where we started. Whenever he hears me approaching, he fixes himself up and comes out of whatever room he was masturbating in. Same ol', same ol'. Why?


My view is this that when people have nothing substantial to disagree about, they will invent something and that new thing may escalate and cause a divorce totally needlessly. 
There are a lot of people who masturbate and a lot of them alone even though married. The reason for being alone may be that is how they learnt to do it when they were younger. Being alone recreates the correct atmosphere for it for them. It may make them feel naughty and excited by that. 

The interesting thing is that you find it objectionable that he does it alone. Why does it bother you? I hear you when you say he is being dishonest, but why do you even think that? Why not just leave him be? I do four hours per week at the counselling place and over the years I have learnt that a lot of personal activities happen in marriages
1 A lot of women masturbate after sex because the man is too fast, leaving them short
2 A lot of men do it because it is a totally different experience from sex with the wife and does not mean he is not having enough. 
3 A lot of women pretend they have orgasmed when they have not.
4 A few men also pretend they have orgasmed. 

These things happen a lot. I am not saying they should be allowed to happen, but perhaps we need to understand the reasons for them a lot more than we do. Some people may never eel free to do certain acts with their spouses. There is a lot of psychology involved in relationships and it may not be helpful to prescribe how you want him to behave. It just then focuses on certain otherwise trivial acts and make them important beyond their actual value. 

My issue with him in your shoes would be that he is not providing enough sex. The rest I would not bother with.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> The interesting thing is that you find it objectionable that he does it alone.


Where do you see me saying that?



MaiChi said:


> Why does it bother you? I hear you when you say he is being dishonest, but why do you even think that?


It bothers me because I don't understand why he is lying. I don't think he is lying. I know he is lying. 



MaiChi said:


> 1 A lot of women masturbate after sex because the man is too fast, leaving them short
> 2 A lot of men do it because it is a totally different experience from sex with the wife and does not mean he is not having enough.
> 3 A lot of women pretend they have orgasmed when they have not.
> 4 A few men also pretend they have orgasmed.


1 I have done this and have TOLD HIM THE TRUTH when he asked me about it.
2 That would be fine with me. I have told him this. He knows it wouldn't be a problem.
3 I haven't done that since my college years. Long before I met him.
4 As far as I know, he has not done this. 





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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@SevenXII



2ntnuf said:


> I doubt he will give it up, if he is getting sex like three times a week every week possible. He may want it to be more exciting and adventurous, but knows that's too much to ask because he really does know you are so busy. Plus, with kids, I don't know how you can find a time and place to let your wild sides hang out together. I get the sense you would if you could, and you'd enjoy it. I think you both need to work on that, but first, find out what is going on by talking.
> 
> See, finding the time to talk will help get you closer to him and him to you. It will show you both you can make time for each other. It will make you closer and want to help each other free up time, because there is a nice reward for both of you.
> 
> Well, that's my hope for you both. I can't know, since I don't really know either of you. You have to think about all of these suggestions and take them with a grain of salt, so to speak. Decide what is best for you, even if you don't get it right the first time, there are other ways to approach it all. Work on it and you will both appreciate each other more.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

2ntnuf said:


> @SevenXII


Thank you. I'll try to bring it up for discussion at a better time and be more casual about it. In the meantime, I guess I'll just work on trying to not let it upset me.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

People don't always want to go into details when asked about their sexual habits or proclivities, or bathroom habits, or other private activities. I think it is normal to try to duck the question.

Are you a very intense person? Why is this a big deal? You're asking about something that is private. It's not like he is lying about spending money or where he's been, etc. 

Are you so concerned for his health that you question every odd noise? Is there something else going on? Your line of questioning to him and then upset reaction because he's "lied" to you feels claustrophobic to me.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

RoseAglow said:


> People don't always want to go into details when asked about their sexual habits or proclivities, or bathroom habits, or other private activities. I think it is normal to try to duck the question.
> 
> Are you a very intense person? Why is this a big deal? You're asking about something that is private. It's not like he is lying about spending money or where he's been, etc.
> 
> Are you so concerned for his health that you question every odd noise? Is there something else going on? Your line of questioning to him and then upset reaction because he's "lied" to you feels claustrophobic to me.


I do have a tendency to be paranoid about things, but that's more of a PTSD thing from childhood experiences. He knows about all of that. Things that are unusual will sometimes cause me to think the worst. So yes, every odd noise that happens around the house bothers me unless I figure out exactly what it was and where it came from. I do the same thing to my kids. They all know that I do this. It is not new. 

The point is, if it's about privacy and feeling that it is none of my business then he can tell me that. I'm not demanding an explanation from him, I just want him to stop lying to me about it. I can handle a "None of your business" better than some crappy lie that's insulting because he believes that I'm dumb enough to believe it.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

I'm new here so I have to ask...

Is this one of those forums where when you post about a problem you're having and it has any mention of masturbation, even if the masturbation itself is not the problem, the OP is automatically the unreasonable one? I feel liKe a lot of the replies here are completely missing my point. 

On the other hand, if I am just considered unreasonable for being angry about my husband blatantly lying to me when it is completely unnecessary for him to do so, then I guess I don't need anymore feedback on this subject.


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

SevenXII said:


> RoseAglow said:
> 
> 
> > People don't always want to go into details when asked about their sexual habits or proclivities, or bathroom habits, or other private activities. I think it is normal to try to duck the question.
> ...


You have said further up that you don’t grill him. So if you ask your husband as you indicated above, how does he respond that is lying? 

If he said he’s okay, everything is fine, how is that being dishonest or lying? Or are you upset that you notice he has been rubbing one out and didn’t confess to the act? 

The only way I can infer from your posts that he is lying is if you actually confront him and he’s too awkward or embarrassed to admit it. 

Just as you have PTSD and have must investigate every sound to place your mind at ease, his not fessing up may be easier for him to place his mind at ease. 

Either way, it seems like a mountain is being made out of a molehill.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Husband2016 said:


> You have said further up that you don’t grill him. So if you ask your husband as you indicated above, how does he respond that is lying?
> 
> If he said he’s okay, everything is fine, how is that being dishonest or lying? Or are you upset that you notice he has been rubbing one out and didn’t confess to the act?
> 
> ...


What mountain?

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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OK, this makes more sense to me. You have some degree of an anxiety disorder (PTSD) IME people with anxiety to tend to experience things in an amplified manner, so the "fight or flight" instincts are triggered more easily than in less sensitive/anxious people. Your adrenal is turned up more frequently and for a longer duration than in less sensitive/anxious people. This would explain why you get jittery with odd noises, etc. 

With the additional information, I have two thoughts for your consideration:

1. My experience working with higher-anxiety people is that they don't always understand that they can be very intense. You are asking questions that many people who are less anxious/triggered wouldn't ask and if they did, would realize that they might not get a factual answer. My guess is that you want the factual answer because knowing exactly what is going on is soothing to you; however, most people would not be comfortable giving the factual answer. 

My advice is to try de-personalize his resistance to saying exactly what he is doing. His resistance is not because he thinks you're so stupid that you would believe his answer; 
instead, his resistance is due to a perfectly normal hesitance to talk about *that* particular topic. I'd take it as a positive that he fumbles with a stupid answer back, at least he isn't a smooth and experienced liar. 

2. Since you do need some sort of certainty, you might talk with him and come up with a different term or phrase that he can say when he doesn't want to talk about private things. "It's none of your business" would come off to me as a hostile statement. If it were me, I'd go with "Just having a personal moment" or "Getting some Me time". But work out something between yourselves that will get you the info you need without pushing his limits of comfort.






SevenXII said:


> I do have a tendency to be paranoid about things, but that's more of a PTSD thing from childhood experiences. He knows about all of that. Things that are unusual will sometimes cause me to think the worst. So yes, every odd noise that happens around the house bothers me unless I figure out exactly what it was and where it came from. I do the same thing to my kids. They all know that I do this. It is not new.
> 
> The point is, if it's about privacy and feeling that it is none of my business then he can tell me that. I'm not demanding an explanation from him, I just want him to stop lying to me about it. I can handle a "None of your business" better than some crappy lie that's insulting because he believes that I'm dumb enough to believe it.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

This is helpful. Thank you! I haven't considered that I may be intense, but I will definitely keep that in mind. Your guess would be correct. Knowing exactly what is going on puts me at ease. When someone lies to me I get very anxious and that's when I get angry. I didn't figure the PTSD into it at all so thanks again for bringing it to my attention.



RoseAglow said:


> OK, this makes more sense to me. You have some degree of an anxiety disorder (PTSD) IME people with anxiety to tend to experience things in an amplified manner, so the "fight or flight" instincts are triggered more easily than in less sensitive/anxious people. Your adrenal is turned up more frequently and for a longer duration than in less sensitive/anxious people. This would explain why you get jittery with odd noises, etc.
> 
> With the additional information, I have two thoughts for your consideration:
> 
> ...




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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

SevenXII said:


> What mountain?
> 
> Sent from my LGMS550 using Tapatalk


I could be way off, I am just a stranger on the internet. But since you came here asking for advice, here it is. 

Your question above is an example of the intensity that I am talking about.

It's just my experience, but I often interact with two people who have an anxiety disorder (one is PTSD and one is Generalized Anxiety Disorder); in both cases, they are nearly always turned up. It can be like talking with someone who is always talking loudly, but they don't know that they are talking loudly. It's like they can't modulate or miss certain social cues. Everything is always turned up; it can feel aggressive at times, even though there is no aggressive or ill intent at all.

In your case, it's like you don't see that asking if someone is masturbating is a socially awkward question. Just asking the question can be seen as hostile; as someone put it above, just asking if someone's hand is the cookie jar is the same as giving the side eye. 


It's like someone asking a woman if she is changing a tampon or asking for the details of it. Most women, myself included, are not going to talk about it outside of very specific instances (like talking to a doctor or someone looking for guidance or advice.) It is not normal conversation.

So to most of us, the fact that your husband won't own up to rubbing one out is expected behavior. It is the molehill. The fact that you take it personally that he won't own up to is and you get upset is you making the mountain. 

You don't see that you've made a mountain. You don't see that this level of questioning and your reaction is Turned Up. You don't view or experience it as Intense, probably because it is normal to you. To many of us, it can feel very intense.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@SevenXII, I am glad my post helped. I am not writing about the Intensity factor to make you feel badly, but rather to help explain why others might react in certain ways. I lost a friendship with a lovely person who had high anxiety because I didn't understand some of her reactions, and I myself reacted badly. 

It took me a while to put the pieces together and realize her Fight or Flight reactions, and I how I could have acted differently. However, I have been able to learn something from the experience and go on to have more successful relationships because of the knowledge I finally picked up. 

So I don't know if this particular bit is helpful at all but I wanted to share it. I wish you the best!


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

I think I'm beginning to understand it now. I understand that it is not normal conversation and all. I mean, I certainly wouldn't ask anyone else. I know that it is a socially awkward question which is why I just let it go for several years before we got married. I guess I just assumed that as a married couple we should be able to be honest about those things. I wasn't trying to have a conversation with him about it or anything. I just wanted him to stop lying about it unnecessarily, but I get that he probably just really doesn't feel comfortable with me bringing it up at all.



RoseAglow said:


> I could be way off, I am just a stranger on the internet. But since you came here asking for advice, here it is.
> 
> Your question above is an example of the intensity that I am talking about.
> 
> ...




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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

I don't feel bad at all. I actually feel a bit better. Thanks!  



RoseAglow said:


> @SevenXII, I am glad my post helped. I am not writing about the Intensity factor to make you feel badly, but rather to help explain why others might react in certain ways. I lost a friendship with a lovely person who had high anxiety because I didn't understand some of her reactions, and I myself reacted badly.
> 
> It took me a while to put the pieces together and realize her Fight or Flight reactions, and I how I could have acted differently. However, I have been able to learn something from the experience and go on to have more successful relationships because of the knowledge I finally picked up.
> 
> So I don't know if this particular bit is helpful at all but I wanted to share it. I wish you the best!




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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SevenXII said:


> I hate the dishonesty. Not the masturbating. When he hides it from me and blatantly lies to me about it. That's what I hate.


In my opinion your husband has learned to be ashamed of his own sexual pleasure. When you are being together intimately he may be focused solely on you and struggling to enjoy himself in front of you. 

Here is my suggestion. The fact he is hiding it and lying to you should just be a sign that he is struggling with shame. Nothing more and nothing less. Getting upset with his efforts to masturbate will only make things worse which will add lots of stress to your marriage.

While this may be difficult, you need to work on making your husband feel loved and accepted during his self exploration. Ask if there are ways you could encourage his self exploration that helps create more desire for him to be with you. An example might be to buy a jar of coconut oil at the grocery store and encourage him to enjoy self exploration with it. Ask him to imagine using coconut oil with you in creative ways and to imagine the ways it could enhance the ways you touch each other. Describe to him some things you might like to try with it, but insist he should spend some time imagining and exploring that on his own it first. 

The idea is to work on letting go of shame and encourage a behavior that transforms into something positive in your marriage. While watching porn can be problematic (overstimulating and faked pleasure), try to have a conversation to explore ideas and ways of things you both approve of for use that enhances his self exploration. You want him to seeing you caring about his pleasure BOTH when you are together AND when he is alone. 

Another thread on a similar topic was a husband that had a similar problem. As he and his wife worked through it he shared an fun story. She used aromatherapy to enhance his self exploration. She sprayed her favorite perfume onto a pair of sexy underwear. She hid it under his pillow along with a bottle of lotion and a love note for him to enjoy thinking of her while she was away. He woke up smelling her and was overwhelmed with excitement at the surprise she left for him to enjoy. 

Hopefully you and your husband can find similar way to transform this topic from frustration and arguments into something extremely positive and fun for the two of you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I totally get where you are coming from...your issue is only with the lying. That's a legitimate complaint. I hate being lied too also.

When you have asked him, "Are you ok?" and he says, "yep, I'm fine" and you realize right then that you interrupted a session...try to let that roll off you. He's embarrassed, and he doesn't want to acknowledge it. Don't take it personal.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm not getting this. He's lied in the past, but you had a conversation about masturbation where he honestly admitted that he did. Why do you need to know every instance of his masturbation? Why does he have to report each event to you? I can imagine my wife asking me if I went poo every time I came out of the bathroom, because she "heard strange noises." Seriously, why would she need to know? And yeah, I'd be embarrassed to talk about it and would feel degraded for having to report it. 

There are deeper issues that you're not addressing. You should consider that you're uncomfortable with the fact that he masturbates, or that he might sometimes prefer porn over having sex with you. Those both seem like valid points. But trying to disguise that by claiming that it's the dishonesty that's bothering you isn't really credible.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I see two different issues.

Masturbation: I think that as long as it isn't interfering with your sex life - eg as long as he rarely turns you down for sex, I don't see a problem. Different people are different with different frequencies of sexual release, and using masturbation to fill in the gap seems fine. 

Lying: This is a discussion I've seen many times, and I think there is a critical difference between "privacy" and "lying". Different people have different thins that they consider "private" and asking someone about something that they fell is private will cause all sorts of problems. Deep conditioning from childhood makes them essentially unable to answer the question. Maybe with lots of time, and a lack of of negative feedback they might - but why work at it so much.

I know my wife lies about masturbating. Not that I ask often, I just once asked out of curiosity because I buy all our sex toys and asked. She said she never did. OK, no reason at all for me to push it, but I do notice that sometimes her vibrator has been moved since the last time we used it. I don't feel she is *lying*, I think she is just not comfortable discussing it - and in our case she is by far the one limiting our frequency of sex. 


I think the only valid reasons to ask someone about masturbating are:

1) If your sex life is in deep trouble and you think that they are masturbating instead of having sex with you.

2). If you want to watch (and will return the favor), or want to join in. 


OP, I'm not trying to give you a difficult time here. I just think that you have walked yourself into an unnecessarily bad mindset. You are asking questions about something extremely private to him, and pressuring him in a way that can badly damage your relationship.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Ok.....I get that you may not want to read through every previous post and reply. But your entire post is very inaccurate and maybe it would be best if you read a bit more of the discussion. I don't know why this somehow turned into me being some sort of masturbation detective. I never said anything about needing to know "every instance of his masturbation". I don't really need to know at all. And he doesn't need to lie about it. Yes, he lied in the past. Yes, we had a conversation about it and he said HE WOULD NOT LIE ABOUT IT ANYMORE. Yet, HE CONTINUES TO LIE. 





Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm not getting this. He's lied in the past, but you had a conversation about masturbation where he honestly admitted that he did. Why do you need to know every instance of his masturbation? Why does he have to report each event to you? I can imagine my wife asking me if I went poo every time I came out of the bathroom, because she "heard strange noises." Seriously, why would she need to know? And yeah, I'd be embarrassed to talk about it and would feel degraded for having to report it.


The second part of your post below is a valid assumption, but completely wrong in my case. When my husband and I discussed this situation I explained to him that this was not issue. Masturbation and having desire for or fantasizing about other people sometimes doesn't bother me. Hell, I do it too. When he's caught me I always tell him exactly what I'm doing or I give him a sexy/mishievious smile. I just wanted that same honesty from him.



Tatsuhiko said:


> There are deeper issues that you're not addressing. You should consider that you're uncomfortable with the fact that he masturbates, or that he might sometimes prefer porn over having sex with you. Those both seem like valid points. But trying to disguise that by claiming that it's the dishonesty that's bothering you isn't really credible.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

OP, many of your responses are so confrontational, aggressive and dismissive.

If you are approaching a loved one with that attitude/dynamic, I can see that lying would be the easier course...easier, and perhaps healthier, than directly dealing with someone with harridan tenancies. 

In short, lighten up lady.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Spicy said:


> I totally get where you are coming from...your issue is only with the lying. That's a legitimate complaint. I hate being lied too also.
> 
> When you have asked him, "Are you ok?" and he says, "yep, I'm fine" and you realize right then that you interrupted a session...try to let that roll off you. He's embarrassed, and he doesn't want to acknowledge it. Don't take it personal.


Thank you! I was feeling like I wasn't getting my point across at all. 

If his responses were along the lines of "yep, I'm fine" it wouldn't be a problem at all. He's an explainer. He can never just give an answer. He always gives an answer and an explanation. No matter what you ask him. He was like that when I met him. That's actually one of the things I love about him. 

Anyway, the main point of my issue is just that he lies about something that he doesn't need to lie about. He lies about something that requires no explanation whatsoever.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Wow. This poor husband.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Which ones?


23cm said:


> OP, many of your responses are so confrontational, aggressive and dismissive.
> 
> If you are approaching a loved one with that attitude/dynamic, I can see that lying would be the easier course...easier, and perhaps healthier, than directly dealing with someone with harridan tenancies.
> 
> In short, lighten up lady.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

I don't see these many "confrontational, aggressive and dismissive" responses you mentioned. 

My anger about this situation has developed after 13 years of him lying about it. I have not expressed my anger to my husband in any way. I told him how it makes me feel and we had discussions about it. We have NEVER argued about this. Any emotional reaction I have had regarding all of this I have kept entirely to myself.


23cm said:


> OP, many of your responses are so confrontational, aggressive and dismissive.
> 
> If you are approaching a loved one with that attitude/dynamic, I can see that lying would be the easier course...easier, and perhaps healthier, than directly dealing with someone with harridan tenancies.
> 
> In short, lighten up lady.


I assure you....my husband is just fine.


dadstartingover said:


> Wow. This poor husband.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

I appreciate the few who really took the time to try and understand my issue and offer good advice. 

I've come to understand that for the majority of you, masturbation is an extremely sensitive subject. I posted here in order to maybe gain some insight on why my husband feels the need to lie to me. If he wants to keep it private, he can say that. If he feels like it's none of my business, he can say that. 

It seems to me that the fact that this situation had something to do with masturbation has triggered some of you. I'm sorry you all can't see past that, but that is not my issue.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Never dare insinuate that masturbation is wrong on here...

The masturbaters are a mean and angry bunch..lol...


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## Paradox777 (Jul 5, 2018)

SevenXII said:


> I appreciate the few who really took the time to try and understand my issue and offer good advice.
> 
> I've come to understand that for the majority of you, masturbation is an extremely sensitive subject. I posted here in order to maybe gain some insight on why my husband feels the need to lie to me. If he wants to keep it private, he can say that. If he feels like it's none of my business, he can say that.
> 
> It seems to me that the fact that this situation had something to do with masturbation has triggered some of you. I'm sorry you all can't see past that, but that is not my issue.


Maybe this is the wrong place for the post. Hopefully there are less triggered people in another thread. 


CatholicDad said:


> Never dare insinuate that masturbation is wrong on here...
> 
> The masturbaters are a mean and angry bunch..lol...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Never dare insinuate that masturbation is wrong on here...
> 
> The masturbaters are a mean and angry bunch..lol...


I'm glad you put LOL behind that. Honestly, that's a broad and (dumb?) statement that doesn't make much sense.


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## Paradox777 (Jul 5, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm glad you put LOL behind that. Honestly, that's a broad and (dumb?) statement that doesn't make much sense.


I definitely took it as a joke. He's obviously trying to make light of the confusion in this thread. 

The OP clearly has issues with being lied to. I assume she felt she wouldn't have to deal with dishonesty from her husband once they were married. The fact that the dishonesty persists even after marriage seems to be the problem. 

But almost everyone who replied made an issue out of the masturbation part of it. Lol....I'm sorry, but the way it all went downhill is pretty hilarious. All of a sudden the OP is horrible for wanting honesty.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, this is one thread where I strongly believe you and H will work things out. You seem like a nice person.

I'd offer.....in your posts you mention you caught H in the closet (of all places) rubbing one out.....I'd be a little concerned about why he felt like he had to go to the closet.... Focus on his relationship with you based reasons, not his personal/upbringing based reasons.

Good luck!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you considered that the hiding, lying and just plain sneaking around gives him a little thrill? Like he's putting one over on mommy? Seriously, what grown man is going to hide in the damn closet to jerk off. Especially, when his wife doesn't care.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you considered that the hiding, lying and just plain sneaking around gives him a little thrill? Like he's putting one over on mommy? Seriously, what grown man is going to hide in the damn closet to jerk off. Especially, when his wife doesn't care.


I've got to say I didn't think of that! I like your answer as one more good possibility..


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## Paradox777 (Jul 5, 2018)

Good answer! And a definite possibility. I hope the OP sees this one.


Blondilocks said:


> Have you considered that the hiding, lying and just plain sneaking around gives him a little thrill? Like he's putting one over on mommy? Seriously, what grown man is going to hide in the damn closet to jerk off. Especially, when his wife doesn't care.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > Never dare insinuate that masturbation is wrong on here...
> ...


I put LOL because I laughed at the truth of this statement not because it was a joke. I've found that almost no one on here will even consider that masturbation (and porn) might actually be low class or wrong. Oh well, I'm sure I've just stirred up the hornets nest!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll throw out that while I get that his masturbation habits are to some extent his business and there may be a variety of reasons he lies about it....
AND op may be taking this a bit too personally and probably shouldn't be making such an issue about it......

A grown man continuously lying like this makes him look like an unattractive little kid. 

Whether op should be pressing it is another issue.

Kids lie.....adults don't.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

...


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## Paradox777 (Jul 5, 2018)

Eh...


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

Why is almost everyone trying to take up for this guy? He needs to be an adult and stop lying. I don't care what is going on. There is no excuse for lying when you are an adult....NONE! 

Ridiculous...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I appreciate the few who really took the time to try and understand my issue and offer good advice.
> 
> I've come to understand that for the majority of you, masturbation is an extremely sensitive subject. I posted here in order to maybe gain some insight on why my husband feels the need to lie to me. If he wants to keep it private, he can say that. If he feels like it's none of my business, he can say that.
> 
> It seems to me that the fact that this situation had something to do with masturbation has triggered some of you. I'm sorry you all can't see past that, but that is not my issue.


As anyone could tell you, it will do you well to "grow a thick skin" when here. There are all different types and you need to sift through posts to find what you need or what you think is good advice. The rest, you don't have to feel obligated to entertain. 

I don't mean they are bad folks. I don't know any that are really bad folks. It's just lots of ideas and different personalities. It's fun if you can stand back and not take it too seriously when you read something you don't like. It's not easy at times. You can get great help here. 

You can also take a break from here any time you choose. It's all up to you.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

SevenXII said:


> I love and accept everything about him. I always have. That's why this one thing confuses me so much. I happen to think we have a good marriage in general. We're like partners in crime. This is really the only real ongoing conflict we have. Everything else we've been able to talk about and work out.


I hear you. I was surprised to find out several years ago during a rather routine discussion with my husband when I asked him how often he masturbated and the answer was: daily.

The answer surprised me because it was a secret to me. Like you, it also disturbed me - not because of the masturbation but because of his apparent need to keep it a secret when that wasn't necessary. It felt like dishonesty and not really me invading his privacy. I didn't care one way or the other. 

What I did care about was his sense of freedom and openness so he could be happily himself without shame or fear of reprisal. Hiding his masturbation from me was an indication to me that he had things going on that he didn't want me to know - not the masturbation itself but the underlying issues that were associated with it IN HIS CASE.

In the many years since, as he has opened up more and more, the discussions have led to much discovery - self discovery for him and co-discovery with me. 

Masturbation is a part of a person's sexuality expression. There are often emotions involved in the activity that people don't talk about much until, well, until they talk about it with a safe, trusted partner. 

When a person has a willing sexual partner but chooses masturbation in addition, it can simply be a pleasant release, "it feels good" or it can be a tension release or it can be a reaction to stresses that the person encounters and does not choose to deal with in another way. 

From my viewpoint, I wanted my husband to not associate masturbation with hiding, shame or guilt. I didn't want him to view sex as something he didn't feel like he could express as a part of who he is. 

I think I was also puzzled and even a little bit frustrated at first as we worked through the discussions. But, as we have, we have discovered a lot about ourselves as individuals and as a couple. If you can learn a bit from me, what my sage voice would say is: find time to talk calmly, lovingly as a trusted partner who stays open-minded and helps him out of the hide-y hole he's in, slowly and good-naturedly bringing it a little more and more out in the open between the two of you. I can't say I wasn't always un-shocked and sometimes I was like, DUDE, you don't have to hide it! I love you, you're sexuality is a part of you and I love you so that's included also.

When masturbation is used often and repeatedly to relieve stress or emotional tension, I think this is something to explore. It's like taking a drug. Eventually, down the road, it might be an exercise to, instead of masturbating, to let oneself actually experience the feelings that are going on for which the masturbation is providing an escape - just to see if maybe there is another way to process what's going on. Our feelings/emotions are there to tell us something - and if we're always escaping them, we miss the message.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

happiness27 said:


> I hear you. I was surprised to find out several years ago during a rather routine discussion with my husband when I asked him how often he masturbated and the answer was: daily.
> 
> The answer surprised me because it was a secret to me. Like you, it also disturbed me - not because of the masturbation but because of his apparent need to keep it a secret when that wasn't necessary. It felt like dishonesty and not really me invading his privacy. I didn't care one way or the other.
> 
> ...


Just my two cents... when there is M going on in addition to being there for/and in addition to a mutually agreeable/good/great sex life with an SO...... you're overthinking the M act ie your statement: 

"Eventually, down the road, it might be an exercise to, instead of masturbating, to let oneself actually experience the feelings that are going on for which the masturbation is providing an escape - just to see if maybe there is another way to process what's going on. Our feelings/emotions are there to tell us something - and if we're always escaping them, we miss the message."

Some times the reason isn't deep at all.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Just my two cents... when there is M going on in addition to being there for/and in addition to a mutually agreeable/good/great sex life with an SO...... you're overthinking the M act ie your statement:
> 
> "Eventually, down the road, it might be an exercise to, instead of masturbating, to let oneself actually experience the feelings that are going on for which the masturbation is providing an escape - just to see if maybe there is another way to process what's going on. Our feelings/emotions are there to tell us something - and if we're always escaping them, we miss the message."
> 
> Some times the reason isn't deep at all.


Keyword: "sometimes"

What I described was not normal in our case - there are some deep issues that came out in conversation - and a pattern of using masturbation as an avoidance for experiencing stressful feelings. Without getting too far into it on this forum, it had to do with childhood trauma and conditioning.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

This is laughable. A lie for any other reason would be seen for what it is - A LIE.

If the lie is over masturbation or porn, a particular subset of "men" will justify it with their dying breath.

It would be amusing if it weren't so weakly hypocritical.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In a sense I agree. The right answer to "do you masturbate" is generally "none of your damn business". The question is in appropriate unless the person asking wishes to join in the fun.

The question is inappropriate because to a good approximation *all* men masturbate, as do a substantial majority of women. The only reason to ask, other than for active sexual interest, is to humiliate the person you are asking. 

Sometimes though a lie results in less hostility than directly confronting someone who asks an inappropriate question. 

Similarly an honest answer to "do you ever fantasize about someone other than me", is really not appropriate. The great majority of people *do* fantasize about others, so what is the point in asking?





personofinterest said:


> This is laughable. A lie for any other reason would be seen for what it is - A LIE.
> 
> If the lie is over masturbation or porn, a particular subset of "men" will justify it with their dying breath.
> 
> It would be amusing if it weren't so weakly hypocritical.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@H27, just for OP research data, in your opinion is it OK for H (and others) to M? And after the reasons and locations are discussed between OP and H is it ok for H to continue to M assuming things with OP are ironed out?

It is in mine, and as the good Uhtred shares is ok etc (and I agree) most men do and many/majority of W do. 

Best,


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @H27, just for OP research data, in your opinion is it OK for H (and others) to M? And after the reasons and locations are discussed between OP and H is it ok for H to continue to M assuming things with OP are ironed out?
> 
> It is in mine, and as the good Uhtred shares is ok etc (and I agree) most men do and many/majority of W do.
> 
> Best,




I would never make an issue about M (as you call it) regardless of the circumstances under which it was done by my husband. If he wants to do it wherever and whenever, its up to him. If I want to do it its up to me too. If we want to do it together its up to us. There has to be other things already wrong for the matter of M to be a problem. I have heard some women saying "I caught my husband masturbating." almost like describing catching a burglar in your house. I cannot work out why it could be an issue when looked tat on its own. What harm could it possibly do?


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

This is so stupid!

- The title of the post is "Why The Dishonesty". 
- The OP has repeatedly stated that it is the lying that is upsetting.
- The OP also stated that she doesn't care about him masturbating and has told him that.
- They discussed it and he told her he would not lie about it anymore.

Yet people are continuously focusing on the masturbation and telling the OP that there is nothing wrong with it. She knows! She does it too and can be an adult about it when he asks her. 

So why does he lie? That's the question.

Geez....no wonder she hasn't responded anymore...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Xitch said:


> This is so stupid!
> 
> - The title of the post is "Why The Dishonesty".
> - The OP has repeatedly stated that it is the lying that is upsetting.
> ...


Exactly. The focus is NOT on helping the OP. It's a "defend masturbation" tirade. Just like EVERY porn thread becomes.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some people are responding this way because they believe that masturbation, not lying *is* the issue. 

Let me give a completely different example that we've seen here: A husband who complained that his wife *lied* when she stopped at the grocery store on the way home an didn't tell him. He was terribly upset about her *lying*. The thing is that many of us saw the problem as his wanting to track everything she did all of the time, and that expecting a detail report of her life was unreasonable. 

Even in marriage, some parts of life are private. 



Xitch said:


> This is so stupid!
> 
> - The title of the post is "Why The Dishonesty".
> - The OP has repeatedly stated that it is the lying that is upsetting.
> ...


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Some people are responding this way because they believe that masturbation, not lying *is* the issue.
> 
> Let me give a completely different example that we've seen here: A husband who complained that his wife *lied* when she stopped at the grocery store on the way home an didn't tell him. He was terribly upset about her *lying*. The thing is that many of us saw the problem as his wanting to track everything she did all of the time, and that expecting a detail report of her life was unreasonable.
> 
> Even in marriage, some parts of life are private.


People who think that the OP is upset about masturbation are jumping to conclusions. I understand that some think there may be another issue besides just the lying. IF that is even the case, it's obviously not masturbation. Instead of badgering the OP with information about how masturbation is normal, which she already has no problem with, how about trying to address just the lying? 

It seems to me that a lot of those who replied felt the need to continuously push a masturbation "agenda", so to speak. It was like a bunch of campaign speeches (Masturbaters Unite 2018!)  None of those replies really addressed her concern. People were jumping on the bandwagon to take up for her husband. An adult who had a chance to bring up whatever it was that caused the lying in the first place, but didn't. After having a conversation about it, this adult, her husband, told her he would not lie about it anymore. Then, this adult, continues to lie about it. I'm sorry there is no defense for that. Tell the OP not to let it bother her too much and give her some advice on how to handle the lying, fine. But don't take up for the guy. I mean, come on. 

That's all I'm saying.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe it's a religious thing? As a catholic man, I was always told that masturbating is a sin and you should be ashamed of it... and I was. It's something that is pushed in your head and it's difficult to "delete"...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@SevenXII


If I understand correctly:


You don't care if he masturbates [though you'd prefer if he had sex with you]

You don't care about him using porn

You DO care about him lying

So, if I was you, I'd just assume that he masturbates to porn and doesn't want you to know about it.

Just accept this and don't ask him about it again.

However, be a little bit wary about him lying about other things, eg.: lying about money, lying about where he was. Hopefully the lying is because he is ashamed about masturbating; and that's all it is. In other words, it's a one time lie about an embarrassing subject; it's not that he is an habitual liar, or anything like that.


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

Xitch said:


> People who think that the OP is upset about masturbation are jumping to conclusions. I understand that some think there may be another issue besides just the lying. IF that is even the case, it's obviously not masturbation. Instead of badgering the OP with information about how masturbation is normal, which she already has no problem with, how about trying to address just the lying?
> 
> It seems to me that a lot of those who replied felt the need to continuously push a masturbation "agenda", so to speak. It was like a bunch of campaign speeches (Masturbaters Unite 2018!)  None of those replies really addressed her concern. People were jumping on the bandwagon to take up for her husband. An adult who had a chance to bring up whatever it was that caused the lying in the first place, but didn't. After having a conversation about it, this adult, her husband, told her he would not lie about it anymore. Then, this adult, continues to lie about it. I'm sorry there is no defense for that. Tell the OP not to let it bother her too much and give her some advice on how to handle the lying, fine. But don't take up for the guy. I mean, come on.
> 
> That's all I'm saying.


In all fairness, OP did say she’d rather he not sling the yogurt factory. Do I feel some where missing the point of the post? Sure and I agree with you on this point. However, OP did admit some suggestions she had not thought about. Perhaps pointing out shed rather he not rub one out combined with the lie could have been a factor. As an example, I tell my W I’ll put the dishes away and load the dishwasher. If I do one but not the other, she’s generally okay, but if she wakes up the next morning and I let her down on both accounts, she’s fuming. 

But we don’t know exactly what the H says that OP considered lying. That is jumping to a conclusion. We gained some more insight when she described him as an explainer and it seems he concocts some long winded explanation for the noise and why he was in whatever room or closet. Is that really a “lie” in the sense? I don’t believe so. As an example, W tried on clothing and asked “how does this look?” And H says “you look great!” When he really thinks it’s meh or outright bad because he thinks/knows if he was 100% honest it would hurt W’s feelings over a trivial matter. So I respectfully disagree there is no excuse for a “white lie”, adult or not. 

Perhaps the H picked up that she’d rather he not rub one out, even though she’s mostly okay with it, so he tries to do it outside her presence. It is perfectly normal, married or not, that masturbating is still kinda embarrassing. If my W caught me in the middle of it, and she saw me straightening myself up, I’m not gonna fess up. But we both well know what was going down. Most people would just laugh it off. 

Providing the Hs perspective of why he might be giving a story than fessing up is not necessarily jumping on the bandwagon. But providing a view that Just perhaps she’s making something out of nothing. Not to say it doesn’t bother her, as discussed in posts above, but trivial nonetheless.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Xitch said:


> This is so stupid!
> 
> - The title of the post is "Why The Dishonesty".
> - The OP has repeatedly stated that it is the lying that is upsetting.
> ...


I think what you're witnessing is wise adults who can read the deeper meaning and see the issues that are really lurking under what she's posted. 

FACT: She had a conversation with him in which he admitted to masturbating and being ashamed of it. He was truthful. He's no longer lying. 

But now it appears that she'd like to be able to grill him any time her suspicions have been aroused. Is this really necessary? My wife goes potty sometimes. Do I really need a full report of what happened each time she comes out of the bathroom? At some point, my questioning of her would only serve to humiliate her or control her behavior. We're asking OP to look at the reasons why she wishes to emasculate her husband. 

Does she disapprove of the masturbation as her initial post suggested? If so, she's the one who needs to be honest with both herself and her husband. She needs to stop hiding behind "I don't mind him masturbating" when she's got him on the waterboarding table. 

She's not responding because she came here looking for validation from the sisterhood and got everything she needed. Whether those responses were in good faith is another matter. The responses contradicting that made her uncomfortable, with good reason.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Wow, lying is okay now because its not actually lying....

Do those contortions hurt?


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

It’s not a contortion or surprising at all, so no, it doesn’t hurt.


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## Husband2016 (May 27, 2018)

Husband2016 said:


> It’s not a contortion or surprising at all, so no, it doesn’t hurt.


Let me clarify, it’s not a contortion or surprising in the circumstance presented on this thread. 

Being 100% honest 100% of the time, without holding back at any point for any reason and speaking your mind without a filter no matter the time, place, or circunstances (on top of being impractical) would be detrimental to 99.9% of every interpersonal relationship one has. In my opinion.

Granted, this would apply only in very limited and small trivial matters. I do not condone lying, but on trivial matters, it has no effect, it doesn’t matter one way or another. I don’t believe it is so black and white.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think what you're witnessing is wise adults who can read the deeper meaning and see the issues that are really lurking under what she's posted.
> 
> FACT: She had a conversation with him in which he admitted to masturbating and being ashamed of it. He was truthful. He's no longer lying.
> 
> ...


I don't think it is wise to make all these assumptions without any clarification. 

Why not ask the OP more questions? I realize the OP didn't explain much in the initial post, but don't just assume that those are all the details. Some people don't reveal every detail about their problems until they know people are even willing to help. I know I don't. 

If you notice, the few who did give her good advice about the lying mentioned almost nothing about the masturbation. They asked more questions to have a better understanding and the OP revealed a bit more in other posts. She was accepting of those suggestions and seemed very grateful for the help. One person was actually able to find put that the OP has PTSD from just asking more questions. Now that's wise.

From what I've seen of people wanting validation is that they only appreciate those who agree with them. They even get upset with people who give them advice. I don't see that here. What I see are people reading a "deeper meaning" that most likely doesn't exist and badgering the OP about it without any attempt at clarification. That's wise? 

I don't want to assume that the people replying and taking up for her husband are possibly looking for validation for themselves. But it sure looks that way. 

There may be a deeper meaning. Who says it has to do with masturbation? People are talking about her hounding her husband constantly. Where did she post that this was a frequent run in with him? You guys are assuming the frequency of her asking him. You all are assuming that she is expressing anger towards him whenever she does have these run ins. Now, because of your assumptions, he's being "emasculated" and "humiliated". Seriously?


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

Maybe the "deeper meaning" is that she thinks he being secretive because of the content of the porn he is watching. Only one person brought that up at the beginning and the OP did admit that it was something she thought about. Of course that got overshadowed by the masturbation lectures she was getting. But it wasn't fully addressed. 

Maybe the "deeper meaning" has to do with her wanting to explore more of their sexuality as a married couple. In my own marriage, we began exploring a lot more things together sexually. Our sex life has improved tremendously. I can tell you one thing. If my husband was being dishonest and secretive about something as little as masturbation, I would have never even brought up doing anything else. 
And we would have fallen into a boring sexual routine that might feel like a chore. 

Maybe the "deeper meaning" is that the lying insults her. I hate lying too. It makes me feel like the person lying to me thinks I'm some sort of idiot, especially coming from my husband. And it's not a quick little lie from this guy. It's an entire explanation that is completely false. What a great way to make your wife feel like you acknowledge and respect her intellect!!! 

Maybe the "deeper meaning" is her wanting to feel like she married an adult male. Coming up with a lie like a short story fiction is what my 10 year old does. Hell, my 16 year old son is more of a man than this guy! Of course no one tells the truth 100% of the time (the OP admitted that too, by the way). At the very least he could answer with something that keeps his stupid secret and and doesn't involve lying to her. There are a lot of ways to do that.


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## SevenXII (Jul 3, 2018)

Wow....um ok.

I feel like I just rushed into the ER for a cough and was being bombarded with speculations of a lung infection. 

I stepped away from this thread because I was getting frustrated with being completely misunderstood. During that time I read some other forum posts and I see that a lot of them indicate very serious, complicated issues. So I see why it's tough for some to accept the simplicity of mine. I guess I should only post here when I have a "real emergency"? 

Anyway, I wasn't going to even respond anymore because it seemed like people had their own issues that they felt the need to project onto me. I realize that I didn't explain my situation at length in the original post. I thought that I could maybe explain more later by answering specific questions. I try not to provide more information than what is needed because I have a tendency to ramble. I was not at all prepared for the fixation on one aspect of my post that was so insignificant. I don't even want to type the word in this thread anymore (You know what that word is). Some of you seem to have your own issues with it and I don't want to make it any worse than I already have.

So, I came here mainly to update everyone. I don't know if people normally post follow ups on here or anything, but I've been hearing a lot of notifications ping on my phone from this forum and I just want to offer a conclusion to it. Instead of talking, I wrote my husband a simple note. Sprayed it with fragrance and everything. To summarize, I simply came clean about my anger towards him and explained that it really wasn't necessary for him to lie to me. I left the note on his computer and didn't say anything to him about it. Eventually, he brought it up and apologized for lying. He actually thought I believed them because my reaction was always to just say "Oh ok" and walk away. He didn't think it was that much of an issue because it didn't happen very often. 

Long story short....everything is fine. Apparently, he felt that lying was better than making me feel like he was shutting me out. He knows that the lying is worse in my case, but he thought I didn't pick up on the fact that they were lies. Instead of lying, he said he is perfectly ok with just telling me that he is "busy" or requires a bit of privacy if we happen to cross paths in that way again. I won't go into detail about the entire conversation. Most of it was him coming clean about his own issues stemming from his past. At any rate, that's all there was to it. 

The anger and frustration I was holding back from him seems to have oozed out of my fingers an into my posts in this thread. Eventually magnified from repeatedly being misunderstood by some of you who were replying. I apologize for any responses from me that seemed aggressive and to anyone I may have offended in any way. 

That's all for me guys. Thanks to those who helped. And to everyone who read the posts thanks for "listening" at least. I'll be exploring "home remedies" from now on. I will not be returning to the "ER". LOL


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MaiChi said:


> I would never make an issue about M (as you call it) regardless of the circumstances under which it was done by my husband. If he wants to do it wherever and whenever, its up to him. If I want to do it its up to me too. If we want to do it together its up to us. There has to be other things already wrong for the matter of M to be a problem. I have heard some women saying "I caught my husband masturbating." almost like describing catching a burglar in your house. I cannot work out why it could be an issue when looked tat on its own. What harm could it possibly do?


You do not see the problem with him J'ing off?

His wife wants sex more then he is giving to her.
It is as if his hand is his AP.

Manual manipulation is not the problem. The problem is when
that gets priority over one's spouse.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

SevenXII said:


> ....Long story short....everything is fine. I'll be exploring "home remedies" from now on. I will not be returning to the "ER". LOL


 @SevenXII, thanks for coming back and updating! It is great to read a post about how things went, especially when the underlying issue has been discussed and resolved. Hopefully your resolution works out well!

I hope you keep posting, even if just to give your thoughts on the situations we see in the ER. :grin2:


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Lying is even more common and normal than masturbation. Everybody lies, every day. Most of the time for no apparent reason. To demand another person refrain from lying is to ignore the log in your own eye, to borrow a Bible-y analogy.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

The point is that he was lying about something he doesn't even need to lie about. Which is just stupid and childish on his part. 

No one said anything about him not lying about anything ever at all. No one said anything about making demands for anyone to stop lying. 

Damn....people around here sure seem to enjoy jumping to conclusions. It's like it's contagious! 


Randy Lafever said:


> Lying is even more common and normal than masturbation. Everybody lies, every day. Most of the time for no apparent reason. To demand another person refrain from lying is to ignore the log in your own eye, to borrow a Bible-y analogy.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

It's not even an issue anymore....good for her!



SevenXII said:


> Wow....um ok.
> 
> I feel like I just rushed into the ER for a cough and was being bombarded with speculations of a lung infection.
> 
> ...


----------



## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Xitch said:


> The point is that he was lying about something he doesn't even need to lie about. Which is just stupid and childish on his part.
> 
> No one said anything about him not lying about anything ever at all. No one said anything about making demands for anyone to stop lying.
> 
> Damn....people around here sure seem to enjoy jumping to conclusions. It's like it's contagious!


She kept harping on the being dishonest thing. I think she really does think he should be 100% honest about everything (and she somehow thinks she is being so towards him).


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

She never said anything about complete honesty about everything. She was concerned about him lying about masturbating when it isn't necessary for him to do so. She even said in one of her replies that she knows no one is 100% honest and that she lies sometimes too ( you must've missed that one). 

The only reason she keeps "harping" on it, as you say, is because people keep trying to make it about something else.


Randy Lafever said:


> She kept harping on the being dishonest thing. I think she really does think he should be 100% honest about everything (and she somehow thinks she is being so towards him).


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Xitch said:


> She never said anything about complete honesty about everything. She was concerned about him lying about masturbating when it isn't necessary for him to do so. She even said in one of her replies that she knows no one is 100% honest and that she lies sometimes too ( you must've missed that one).
> 
> The only reason she keeps "harping" on it, as you say, is because people keep trying to make it about something else.


No of course I didn't read all eight pages, I don't have an hour to kill on one thread.

Has she ever tried to explain why she cares if he masturbates or not? Like, I keep badgering my wife about what she is typing to her mother in a text, and she says "nothing much" but it really was something important to her?!?! Why the lie?!?!?


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

She doesn't care about the masturbation. She told him that. He said he wouldn't lie about it anymore and still continued to lie about it. The point is that he was lying about something that she didn't have a problem with. Not just a simple few words lie, but entire explanations that were completely false. 

People who were replying kept bringing up the masturbation as if she was upset about that. So she kept bringing up how she was upset about him lying unnecessarily. That's the only reason it keeps showing up in the thread like that. I think she was getting frustrated. Hell, I would too. Instead of getting advice about her issue, she was getting lectures about masturbation like she was in some grade school sex ed class. 



Randy Lafever said:


> No of course I didn't read all eight pages, I don't have an hour to kill on one thread.
> 
> Has she ever tried to explain why she cares if he masturbates or not? Like, I keep badgering my wife about what she is typing to her mother in a text, and she says "nothing much" but it really was something important to her?!?! Why the lie?!?!?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

So the problem is twofold. He feels the need to lie and conceal his acceptable behavior, and she feels the need to be told the truth about the acceptable behavior. Both could use some professional help.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

Not exactly.....

She just didn't want him lying. She would've been fine with him just saying he was busy or whatever. He didn't really have to tell her anything.




Randy Lafever said:


> So the problem is twofold. He feels the need to lie and conceal his acceptable behavior, and she feels the need to be told the truth about the acceptable behavior. Both could use some professional help.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

Did you see this last post from her though? It's pretty much been resolved.


SevenXII said:


> Wow....um ok.
> 
> I feel like I just rushed into the ER for a cough and was being bombarded with speculations of a lung infection.
> 
> ...


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

I couldn't figure out the thing about the lung infection so I gave up on that post.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

She was using that as an example. You go to the ER for some minor thing, but because it's the ER they treat it like it could be more complicated than it really is. 

She's new to the forum. I think she means that this forum is full of mainly more complex issues. Her issue is very simple. But it isn't treated as a simple issue because people are looking for something more. They see more of a problem where there isn't one. Something like that...


Randy Lafever said:


> I couldn't figure out the thing about the lung infection so I gave up on that post.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. No matter where you shake the ashes off.


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## Xitch (Jul 5, 2018)

So true. Sometimes it just isn't really about sex at all.


Randy Lafever said:


> Freud said sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. No matter where you shake the ashes off.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gosh,
It is such an odd coincidence that you CatholicDad - have such a similar screen name to this other fellow on TAM. Now that guy was a very angry fellow. But he was angry because he considered masturbation a mortal sin and his wife wasn’t quite meeting his needs if you catch my drift. 

He was very interested in discussing other people’s sinful tendencies but not much open to discussion of how his strength training was maxing out his testosterone levels. 

I don’t know about you, but me - I always wondered if God considered vanity to be the same as or worse than lust. 






CatholicDad said:


> I put LOL because I laughed at the truth of this statement not because it was a joke. I've found that almost no one on here will even consider that masturbation (and porn) might actually be low class or wrong. Oh well, I'm sure I've just stirred up the hornets nest!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MEM2020 said:


> Gosh,
> It is such an odd coincidence that you CatholicDad - have such a similar screen name to this other fellow on TAM. Now that guy was a very angry fellow. But he was angry because he considered masturbation a mortal sin and his wife wasn’t quite meeting his needs if you catch my drift.
> 
> He was very interested in discussing other people’s sinful tendencies but not much open to discussion of how his strength training was maxing out his testosterone levels.
> ...


Actually, haughty eyes and a proud heart ARE two things the Bible says God hates.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Ressurected post? I hate porn but do not hate the porn lovers like yourselves. I totally forgot what we were debating to say more 😊.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SevenXII said:


> My husband has been secretly masturbating and lying about it since we were dating. He knows how much I hate it. More than the masturbating, I hate the fact that he feels the need to hide it and even lie whenever I bring it up. I thought that maybe, after we were married, he would feel comfortable enough to just be honest about it. Apparently not. We've been married for 9 years and this is still happening. I finally reached a breaking point and demanded that he discuss it with me. This happened after I caught him hiding in our bedroom closet to finish masturbating because I woke up and he didn't want me to catch him while he was mid-orgasm. That was the last straw for me.
> 
> I thought we had a productive discussion. I expressed the fact that it was not necessary for him to hide it from me and that I am offended by him lying to me about it. He told me that he has always done it but has always felt ashamed by it. It was basically a habit for him to hide it and deny it. I told him that the hiding and denying was the problem for me. Yes, I would prefer if he didn't do it and just had sex with me instead, but I can accept it as long as he's honest about it.
> 
> Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and we are back where we started. Whenever he hears me approaching, he fixes himself up and comes out of whatever room he was masturbating in. Same ol', same ol'. Why?



how many times a week are you having sex? How many times would he like to have sex? How many times a week are you willing to have sex? There could well be something that you should be doing more of for him. Sex is an essential need for a man, please go and find out more and do not look at it through the lens of a female.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

SevenXII said:


> My husband has been secretly masturbating and lying about it since we were dating. He knows how much I hate it. More than the masturbating, I hate the fact that he feels the need to hide it and even lie whenever I bring it up. I thought that maybe, after we were married, he would feel comfortable enough to just be honest about it. Apparently not. We've been married for 9 years and this is still happening. I finally reached a breaking point and demanded that he discuss it with me. This happened after I caught him hiding in our bedroom closet to finish masturbating because I woke up and he didn't want me to catch him while he was mid-orgasm. That was the last straw for me.
> 
> I thought we had a productive discussion. I expressed the fact that it was not necessary for him to hide it from me and that I am offended by him lying to me about it. He told me that he has always done it but has always felt ashamed by it. It was basically a habit for him to hide it and deny it. I told him that the hiding and denying was the problem for me. Yes, I would prefer if he didn't do it and just had sex with me instead, but I can accept it as long as he's honest about it.
> 
> Anyway, fast forward a few weeks and we are back where we started. Whenever he hears me approaching, he fixes himself up and comes out of whatever room he was masturbating in. Same ol', same ol'. Why?


Would you be ok with him being honest with you and telling you that he has masturbated if you were to ask him, however, let him have his privacy and do it privately? He clearly isn't comfortable you being around when he is doing it, and forcing him to be comfortable probably isn't going to work.

Also, what are you gaining by being around when he is masturbating?


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Why don't you offer to do it for him?


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