# Want to Separate, but Concerned About Our Children



## rham4488 (Mar 4, 2016)

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to share my story... My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have two children (4 and 1). You can do the math - we found out she was pregnant with our first within 6 months of dating. Our relationship moved very fast from the beginning. She told me she loved me after about our 5th date. Within about 2 months we were living together, and basically in a "honeymoon" phase. However, as we got to know each other better I started to pull away emotionally, while her attachment grew stronger. I just knew in my heart that she wasn't the one that I wanted to be with. There were (and still are) too many things about her personality and outlook on life that I didn't like. Right around the time that I come to this realization, she told me she was pregnant. I instantly became fully committed to supporting her through the pregnancy and working on our relationship. At first, we didn't want to get married for fear that people would judge us. Our friends were understanding and supportive, but we met resistance from our families. My (now) father-in-law would refer to our unborn child as "the bastard child." The pressure became overwhelming, and I felt for the sake of the baby and our families we should tie the knot. So we did, about 2 weeks before she was born.

The first year was rough, as it is for all new parents. But we got through it, and have raised a healthy, wonderful, beautiful girl. We loved her so much that we decided to have a second. However, the problems I had with her never faded and only intensified. I resented the fact that I double-down on my commitment to her, and that I had put my life on hold for her. Everything began resurfacing in our marriage that I had previously either ignored or swept under the rug, and I again became distant. 

My wife and I are exact opposites. We have different political and religious affiliations (she's an R and Christian, I'm a D and spiritual, but no affiliation), we have completely opposite personality types (she's type A, I'm type B), we value different things, and she is very confrontational while I am laid back. There have been many instances where she's lashed out at me in public in front of family and friends, and I will not respond until after we have removed ourselves from the scene. I've told her not to violate this space, especially in front of my family, but she cannot control herself. The biggest thing that irritates me is her temper. I have told her time and time again that she needs to learn to control it. At the very least she acknowledges that she has a temper, but she has never taken steps to get it under control. She yells at our oldest whenever she doesn't listen (which, if you know how 4 year olds behave, is pretty frequent), she yells at anyone who doesn't honor her schedule, yet she is free to change plans whenever she sees fit. 

These instances are but a tip of the iceberg so that you have an idea of my situation. Anyway, what I'm mainly concerned about is our life moving forward with 2 girls. My wife is about to be offered a job in another state, which would mean we would have to move. I like my job, but her position pays more than 2x as much as I'd make, so it'd be financially good for our family. However, I know in my heart that I don't love her, and I want to be with someone I love deeply. I know that she isn't this person, and I feel trapped. But then I look at our two beautiful girls and I think, I don't want to screw up their lives. I created this situation, and I should swallow my pride and suck it up for their sake. But I'm deeply unhappy, and I'm very concerned about the long term effects of remaining in a loveless relationship.

Just searching for some general advice on what to do. Appreciate any feedback.


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## Left arm optimistic (Feb 19, 2016)

I can relate to some of what you say so feel your pain. Hard to know what is potentially more damaging to your kids - staying in a loveless marriage, or calling it quits since you know that the fundamental differences between you are unlikely to be resolved. If you're deeply unhappy now, and your wife is unlikely to change, then your kids have the prospect of growing up with deeply unhappy parents living together rather than happier parents living apart... But I can relate to the sheer horror of the thought of moving out and not seeing your kids every day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, this is tough. Is your wife at all aware of where you are with things, how unhappy you are? In the long run, you do everyone a disservice by staying where you are unhappy. Not only will that rub off on the people around you, but in reality, you take away from both you and your wife the chance to have real happiness. (and therefore your kids as well) You need to talk to her, before she takes that other job.


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## rham4488 (Mar 4, 2016)

I really appreciate all the replies. 3xnocharm - the article you posted is tremendous, and it's exactly what I needed to read. To elaborate, recently I told her that we needed to start doing counseling, and she's agreed to go. We've had three sessions so far, and I've brought up the issue of her temper and it's effect on everyone. She has agreed to try to change, but I don't see it happening long term. She isn't aware of my deeper unhappiness, but she may be able to sense something at times. I'm not constantly unhappy and we do get out occasionally and have fun. I guess my concern is the big picture, and the fear that I'll be spending a good portion of my life with someone who I know is not right for me. But she may change. After giving it more thought (and reading the article from the good men project), I believe I owe it to our girls to try, which means being honest with her when I object to an action she's doing. If, after the counseling, I become convinced that she is not going to change, then it's time for me to move on with my life. 

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I'm glad there are others who can sympathize and provide guidance.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm glad you found the article helpful! Its good that you guys are doing counseling. You say she isnt aware of your deeper unhappiness...maybe you need to make her aware of it, being in counseling gives you the perfect platform to bring it up and discuss it. MC will do you no good unless you are totally honest.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

If I were you, I would show your kids what a marriage is supposed to be like, even if it is not with your wife. You wouldn't want your daughters to grow up to be in unhappy marriages but just dealing with it because of their kids do you? Heck no. When I was little, my parents made the house full of tension and it was so bad to the point that I never wanted to come home. When they decided to split I was upset, but eventually realized that I was so much happier seeing my mom and dad happier without each other. They were able to co-parent and be civil and I felt the love from both of them just the same. So my advice...make yourself a priority too and take the steps you need to be happy. Your kids will be upset at first but it will get easier.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

wow. I TOTALLY relate to this!! I have such a similar story. husband, 2 kids (boy2 &girl3) I got pregnant within the first year and since than it's been all about the kids.. and not about US. I get the lack of love, but a sense of duty as a partner.. especially with kids around.
I'm going to tell you what I'm trying to understand myself! People in situations like us NEED to stand up for ourselves. Yes, this will hurt your kids. It will hurt you. It will hurt her. but within a year or two... everyone will be so much better off.

You're daughters are going to end up marrying into a relationship like the one you model for them... and right now, thats cold, and distant. Is that the kind of marriage you want to advertise to your girls? Because that's what you're doing when you stay.

I am also a child of divorce. I was 6 when they split and I still have a good relationship with both. I was angry as a child... but as an adult, i think my parents did the RIGHT thing. And I would encourage them to do it again if I could. It was a negative marriage.. and my mother didn't want us thinking that that was OKAY. Because of that, I am making the steps to leaving my own negative marriage. IT'S THE HARDEST THING IVE EVER DONE. But... it'll be worth it in the end... i think 

GOOD LUCK! YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!


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## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

That is a hard thing to admit, and I am in a simaliar situation. Seeing this makes me face it a little bit. I just made a post about my wanting to leave, and I'm ready to let her. I think a lot of our issues have stemmed from the fact that I jumped into quickly and didn't really love her. I have lied to my self and her, and our friends and family for years because I thought that I could love her, I could make it work, I had to make it work. And I think she knows that, not because i told her but because she can feel it, it's not real, it's forced. Our only commonality is that we love our daughter. Thank you for your post it really hit home. Hard truth to face.


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## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

I want to clarfiy, that she is the mother of my daughter and we have lived together for 5 years, so In a respect I do and will always love her. I am just not nor have I ever been pasionalty in love with her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Pinto3 said:


> I want to clarfiy, that she is the mother of my daughter and we have lived together for 5 years, so In a respect I do and will always love her. I am just not nor have I ever been pasionalty in love with her.


You only live once. 

"You love her but are not in love with her", comes across. She is the mother of your children, but the connection is not there. You have said that, repeat ably. We hear you.

File for divorce. Let her take the job. It will give her a good income She will then have a new start for herself and the girls. 

You will find out quickly what she thinks about you, your relationship and all that it entails. The divorce will impact your finances for a long time. 

Be totally supportive of her until she is on her feet in the new location. Tell her up-front that the marriage is not going to work but you have deep feelings for her and want her to succeed and be happy. 

This dialogue will not be an easy one. Take the high road and stay on the high road. 

Maybe, in the future, you too can find a job in her new area, so as to be closer to your children. Just a thought.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

I have very strong feelings about the "staying together for the kids" thing. My parents stayed together for us kids and it's made me a very negative, nihilistic jerk when it comes to relationships.

Leave her. Now. Don't wait until your oldest is 12, as in my situation. Don't wait until they both say they never want to see you again, as in my situation. Above all, don't wait until your kids are in their 30s and think that relationships like yours are what marriage is all about. Don't do it. Just leave. ASAP.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

My story is so similar to yours. I have been through MC. Originally we agreed we would go for at least a year. Instead we only did 6 sessions. I think divorce will be the ultimate outcome. Like you, I am afraid for my child. I also believe my wife is a good woman, but we are not compatible. I think she and I deserve to be happy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So why did you not take a stand when you knew you really didn't love her? Like you said she was drawing closer to you but you were pulling away. Now it is time to fix your mistake. From what you have posted, this is all on you. It doesn't matter what she is doing if you never loved her like you should have. Then you have another kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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