# My unhappy marriage.



## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

I have been advised in new member forum to post here. I have been married over fifty years and it is difficult to know where to begin. I suppose one always starts with the sex subject. I was very naive when I got married having no experience, and the people I spoke to about it also had never heard of it. I just could not get into my wife properly. I went to doctors and others they gave me hormone tablets and what not, but no one told me what was wrong. There was no internet then so I had no way of finding out. After forty years I read on the internet about dilators so I bought some and presented it to my wife. She got very angry and refused to discuss it. You must remember it hurted her just as much as it hurted me, so she refused sex almost all the time. After a short time for some reason of which I have no idea she said she would agree to use them and told me she had done. I looked at the dilators and could see they had not been used. Imagine my surprise and I should add my horror when she showed me a dilator which she said a doctor had given her forty years earlier to use and she had now used it. I dont think anyone reading this will believe it but it is true. I had been led to believe by her and by doctors all these years that there was something wrong with me. I feel myself cheated out of sex, something which I believe everyone deserves. I must add that she used it a few times, the sex wasn't good although I could get in and then stopped altogether which is now the case. Of course a marriage where there isnt proper sex cant be any good and it brought many many more problems. 
charles.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The first questions that beg to be asked is has she ever been aroused and wet? 

Have you ever made out hot and heavy and employed proper foreplay? 

Are you abnormally huge as in the size of a couple beer cans stacked on each other?

Have you EVER had intercourse and has she ever delivered children vaginally?


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Thanks. I dont know if you know much about dilators. So it is difficult for me to answer. As far as I understand it some women perhaps because they are scared of sex can decrease the size. That is not the correct way of putting it but I think one can understand what I mean. So your first two questions are answered in the affirmative but nothing I tried helped and try I did. I am quite normal. I also remember that once she was very tired and then I could get in normally. I have had intercourse but it was very painful for both of us. Her children were all delivered normally although the doctors did want to make a cesarean at first.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Vaginismus an automatic reaction where your vaginal muscles tighten up whenever penetration is attempted.
The main symptom of vaginismus is your vagina suddenly tightening up if you try to put something into it, like a tampon.

Treatments for vaginismus include talking therapy, relaxation techniques and pelvic floor exercises.

Vaginismus does not always have an obvious cause. Sometimes it can be caused by things like fear your vagina is too small or a bad sexual experience.





__





vaginismus - Google Search






www.google.com





I am sure that is what it was.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Why would you be M for over 50 yrs and this just now coming to be a problem you can't live with?

Kindly, it makes no kind of sense from an outside perspective, or any perspective really.

What has changed, that it's now a deal breaker. Unfathomable that one could be M that long without fulfilling needs another way, with W or other.

Can you share the why now reasons? These may lead to better advice.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

I did write originally that it was not a problem I cant live with. I have managed over fifty years and can carry on. I also wrote that I was really looking for a shoulder to cry on. The reason I only write now about it is because I only now found this site. I also wrote that I thought all the time I was the problem, so I couldnt fill my needs in a conventional way only through masturbating. I also wrote that this is just the start of many, many more problems. I just think that if I write about it, it will make me feel better. Since I am really bottling it up all the time. I have tried to discuss it with others men and women but find like I wrote that it is just unbelievable so I have stopped. That is why I have come here. I notice now on the side panel adverts for dilators, they are quick off the mark.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

examp said:


> I did write originally that it was not a problem I cant live with. I have managed over fifty years and can carry on. I also wrote that I was really looking for a shoulder to cry on. The reason I only write now about it is because I only now found this site. I also wrote that I thought all the time I was the problem, so I couldnt fill my needs in a conventional way only through masturbating. I also wrote that this is just the start of many, many more problems. I just think that if I write about it, it will make me feel better. Since I am really bottling it up all the time. I have tried to discuss it with others men and women but find like I wrote that it is just unbelievable so I have stopped. That is why I have come here. I notice now on the side panel adverts for dilators, they are quick off the mark.


Welcome to a place where there are many good folks to listen, and venting is good. 

Many have issues to discuss, and do the same; find a friendly place for fire side chats.

The common thread is problems and challenges to open up about to friendly souls, not that each problem or challenge is the same.

Glad to have you.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Thanks for the welcome and to all the hundred people who have been reading it in the small time it has been here. That already makes me feel better. I have as you can imagine in over fifty years much more to relate. Almost all of it unbelievable like what has so far been written. I wont disappoint in further posts. As an example I had bought specially made dear cakes for a male group I belong to and brought them home at night to be 'used' early the next morning. My wife saw them and took them saying she could do with them for herself and friends the next day before there would be time to make others. You can imagine what I looked like the next day when I didnt bring them except some rubbish my wife gave me instead for them which they didnt touch. This type of thing happened often and still does. If someone phones wanting to come or speak to me she will always give some excuse that I am not well and not available. If someone does come to me I make sure not to say anything in her presence, which she will always complain about, and if possible degrade me in front of them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

examp said:


> Thanks. I dont know if you know much about dilators. So it is difficult for me to answer. As far as I understand it some women perhaps because they are scared of sex can decrease the size. That is not the correct way of putting it but I think one can understand what I mean. So your first two questions are answered in the affirmative but nothing I tried helped and try I did. I am quite normal. I also remember that once she was very tired and then I could get in normally. I have had intercourse but it was very painful for both of us. Her children were all delivered normally although the doctors did want to make a cesarean at first.


This goes way beyond size issues or dialators etc but is a lifetime of sexual dysfunction and incompatibility.

She is now a post menopausal woman in her 70s with half a century worth of a free pass while you smoked the Hopium pipe.

Don’t divorce her, save that $$ for yourself. 

Never mention sex to her again. She will be relieved and happy about that.

Don’t spend any extra money on her other than whatever food is needed to keep her alive. No vacations, no dinners out, no new clothes etc and you can get her a nice card and box of chocolates for Christmas and birthday etc.

Take that money you save and get yourself a nice little sugar baby(s) or hottest escort you can find or start taking monthly trips to the legal brothels in Nevada.

Get out and live while you still have some life left in you.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Since you mention food. Here is another unbelievable story. I am not well and had radiation on my mouth which ruined my mouth muscles and my teeth were taken out. So I need special soft cooked food. My wife said I have to eat what I am given or starve which I did for some time and my weight went down. My doctor said he was sending in social services. I wasnt keen on that so I went to a neighbour and begged for food. She agreed but wanted me to eat it in her house she is scared of my wife who is quite a formidable woman to cross. I told her she neednt worry, so she supplied me with cooked food for over a year. My wife even phoned her up to bring it to me. I must say she tried every food possible to see what I could eat and would not accept any payment. Later I had an idea. My wife would not let me into the kitchen to cook my own food so I bought an electric slow cooker and used it in my room. My wife found out about this and agreed I should rather use it in her kitchen. So I have been making my own food since and my weight is steady. My neighbour is still offering to make me food and I thankfully dont need it anymore but I dont stop thanking her for it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

examp said:


> My wife said I have to eat what I am given or starve
> My wife would not let me into the kitchen to cook my own food


After hearing this, I think you were cheated out of a hell of a lot more than just sex. It becomes rather obvious that your wife cares very little for your feelings and needs. You have had, and still have, a very one-sided marriage.



examp said:


> in her kitchen.


I wonder how your wife feels about YOUR money.

I am not a person who ever advocates that anyone commit adultery, however, the entire rest of the advice given you by @oldshirt is spot on, in my book.
Tell your wife to either eat on the money she is given, or starve.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TJW said:


> After hearing this, I think you were cheated out of a hell of a lot more than just sex. It becomes rather obvious that your wife cares very little for your feelings and needs. You have had, and still have, a very one-sided marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


At this point it ain’t adultery. It’s simply trying to etch out a life with whatever time he has left.

She obviously doesn’t want sex so he’s not cheating her out of anything. 

She’s had the gravy train for a lifetime so now it’s time for him to try to live a little for himself.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well: from just the few posts you've made so far, beside the sexual issues, it looks like you have also spent a life time being a pushover when it comes to your wife. who's fault is that? are you a child or what? don't you have a say in anything? or are you so afraid of your wife that you won't stand up to her to do what you want? You should look inwards.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

First of all regarding money she has her own. Her parents left her their house. I am a pushover as you call me. It is not what you call stand up to her. She has no shame and clearly admits to no wrong. She doesnt even realise she is doing anything wrong. I have been married long enough to know that there is nothing I can do to change her. And it is easier to give in. I wont win anyway. For instance last week I had a bath and afterwards came into the kitchen to boil the kettle for a hot drink. She said she is just about to clean it and other things and should wait till she is finished that was half an hour. Whereas it would take me two minutes to boil some water. She didnt do it out of spite or to anger me, this is just typical her. On an occasion I bought her some dear flowers. She presented them to a neighbour who thought she had bought it herself for her. She told me she doesnt need it why not give it to a neighbour who does. I have learned that I just have to 'bypass' her. Let her do what she wants and make the best of it. She was going to a shop and I asked her to buy me some socks. She came home with socks a funky color that wasnt for me. She knew this and said that was all the shop had. So she is a good wife having done what I asked.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

This looks like very dysfunctional marriage. I understand if divorce is not an option. Are you able to separate your life from hers, so each of you just does his/her own things? This way you could still find some joy in life, without her. This is no way to live.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

examp said:


> came into the kitchen to boil the kettle for a hot drink. She said she is just about to clean it and other things and should wait till she is finished that was half an hour. Whereas it would take me two minutes to boil some water


What would have happened if you did put that kettle on?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ve said it before - some people come here looking for perspective and advice. 

Others come here to have people pat them on the back and tell them how brave and strong they are for being able to tolerate such poor treatment and keep coming back for more as well as to have others tell them how mean and nasty their tormentor is.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

If I would have done that I would still be hearing about it. It is her kitchen etc. In a way I do have a separate life from her. She cannot use a computer or a smartphone so I have to do it for her. We have joint finances so that also brings us together. She for instance is complaining to me all the time that interest rates have dropped for our savings as though it is my fault. She complains non-stop about anything and everything. And if for instance she ask someone a favor who refuses she wont stop cursing him. Not that she has ever said please or sorry or thank you in her life to anyone.
I thank you all for replying it does make me feel better.

I have already explained exactly what I come here for.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And here are the deeper troubles.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

examp said:


> I have learned that I just have to 'bypass' her.


So, did you ever consider that a "bypass" is an essential divorce ? It just doesn't carry the penalties you will get if you leave. You will be paying through the nose for her to do what she's always done, what she wants, without regard for you, your welfare, or your feelings.

Bypass her and do what the hell you want. The only power she has over your life is what you give her.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Considering your finances, is divorce an option?

it would be freeing to be yourself again, to do what you want, when you want it. Do you even remember that feeling?


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

You seem to think I havent thought about it. It is not an option. I do manage to do what I want. Except that I am missing a wife which I never really had. I also have to put up with her which is not easy. I also have medical problems as I have mentioned. I have not yet mentioned my children who are married but dont live near me. When they were growing up, I gave in to her all the time, everything about them. I thought it would be better for them, for us not to argue about them. In other words she chose their names, which schools they went to etc. They were used to hearing her ranting against me, all the time, and I let them take her side which they did. She still controls them and their spouses who are all scared of her. I dont mix into how they bring up their children but my wife cant stop. In a way I am a bit estranged from them, and they dont confide in me. So not only dont I have a wife I also dont really have my own children.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WandaJ said:


> Considering your finances, is divorce an option?
> 
> it would be freeing to be yourself again, to do what you want, when you want it. Do you even remember that feeling?


I’m usually pretty supportive of divorce if the marriage is toxic and clearly harming one or both parties.

In this particular instance though, I’m not sure it would be all that beneficial even if he was to consider it even though it’s pretty apparent he won’t. 

A divorce would just drain his finances and he’d just sit in a little one-room doing nothing and he’d probably end up calling her for entertainment anyway. 

The better option at his age and condition is to put her on permanent bypass, cut off any financial support to her other than the roof and enough food to keep her alive. 

Then use the remaining funds to do his own thing and start living his own life including sugar babies and Nevada brothels etc if he wants.

She’s had her way for 50 years so he’s entitled to having his day now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

examp said:


> You seem to think I havent thought about it. It is not an option. I do manage to do what I want. Except that I am missing a wife which I never really had. I also have to put up with her which is not easy. I also have medical problems as I have mentioned. I have not yet mentioned my children who are married but dont live near me. When they were growing up, I gave in to her all the time, everything about them. I thought it would be better for them, for us not to argue about them. In other words she chose their names, which schools they went to etc. They were used to hearing her ranting against me, all the time, and I let them take her side which they did. She still controls them and their spouses who are all scared of her. I dont mix into how they bring up their children but my wife cant stop. In a way I am a bit estranged from them, and they dont confide in me. So not only dont I have a wife I also dont really have my own children.


Are you sure they’re even yours?


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

This is a treatable issue your wife has. I have a friend that goes to pelvic floor therapy every week, takes medication and uses dilators all the time. This happens to older women and to younger women but you have to want to have sex in order to make it better. It takes work. She doesn't want to have sex, period. Nor does she want to take care of your special needs. After all this time and since you are 70 or older, why worry about this now. Stress makes you sicker and shortens your life. Reach out to your children every week, just text them about nothing. You will feel better and so will they.


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## Sdennis099 (Sep 2, 2018)

I just had my 21 yr Wedding Anniversary and it was after a huge fight. Ironically, we were the same place, same time last year. Is that a sign? Lately, nothing I do for or with my spouse is genuine, it’s more like let me get this over with to keep peace. Wow... how did I get here?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

TJW said:


> I am not a person who ever advocates that anyone commit adultery, however, the entire rest of the advice given you by @oldshirt is spot on, in my book.
> Tell your wife to either eat on the money she is given, or starve.


You might be willing to give a pass to a couple that was totally committed to each other, agreeing to watch over each other and care for each other and love each other for the rest of their lives, but for some reason did not want to marry because they had issues with the religious or governmental nature of the institution. You might respect them for what they are, no marriage but in every way living up to the meaning.

The flip side would be OP. He was, in my mind, never married to this woman. It was a marriage in name-only. Even after 50 years an annulment might be appropriate. 

Aside from that, there's this feeling that he's been kept in a cage by his wife. Controlled in every way she can. Every way except sex, the one thing that might be the cause of everything because she can't control it. She is psychologically damaged with no way out.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

examp said:


> If I would have done that I would still be hearing about it. It is her kitchen etc. In a way I do have a separate life from her. She cannot use a computer or a smartphone so I have to do it for her. We have joint finances so that also brings us together. She for instance is complaining to me all the time that interest rates have dropped for our savings as though it is my fault. She complains non-stop about anything and everything. And if for instance she ask someone a favor who refuses she wont stop cursing him. Not that she has ever said please or sorry or thank you in her life to anyone.
> I thank you all for replying it does make me feel better.
> 
> I have already explained exactly what I come here for.


I am sad that it took so long to come forth, but you should not have come to the end stages of life without ever having sought the light. Which you are finally doing now. 

Has she suggested you seek "comfort" elsewhere? Have you ever brought that option up to her? I would normally strongly advocate for NOT retaliating by cheating on your marriage vows, but she might have said them, but never believed them, never saw the power and meaning of the words. Yours was a marriage on paper and nothing else.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

I do intend to reply to everyone. But I have already said she has her own money and you still say cut her off. They are definitely my children, doing sex with anyone else would hurt her just the same. I already mentioned that it is treatable with dilators but I found out too late. I send and receive emails from my children all the time but usually saying nothing. At one time they sent me photos of my grandchildren to also show my wife, who found something to complain about every picture so I told them to stop. I dont what you call worry about what has been but I still suffer from her all the time. I think keeping in a cage is a very good way of putting what my marriage is like. She is definitely doing this. I think you have really understood it. And I thank you. I know I have no way out and therefore do my best to bypass her. For instance when I could eat she would be eating a nice cake in front of me and when I asked for a piece I was given some rubbish instead saying for something I had done or usually what I had not done for her I dont deserve it. Now seeing I cant eat I am offered it all the time. Of course then I bought my own without her knowing. But I have learned never to ask her for anything at all if I can help it. If I mention some news to her she usually finds fault with it. But is angry if I dont. One cant win with her. When I was ill in hospital and they wouldnt let me go home alone instead of her being with me which is usual, I went alone and had to wait hours for her to come to fetch me. If I had an appointment and she was with me, she would go and start screaming at the nurses to hurry up. Nothing they said could shut her up and she has a much louder and higher pitched voice than anyone something else I cant stand. I am not alone in this. This will give a very good example of what she is like. She used to drive her own car. Once at night I emptied from some boxes which contained worthless objects. She started screaming the street down that it was her car and she had to deliver them first thing in the morning etc. So I put them back. That same night the car was broken into but of course nothing taken except the glass broken. That taught her. The only way she can learn anything is by being taught a lesson. Nothing one can say to her can ever help. This is just one example.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

examp said:


> I
> But I have already said she has her own money and you still say cut her off.


The fact she has her own money is to your benefit.

Don’t spend any of your money on her. 

Use it to get out of your cage and get some sugar babies/escorts/brothels etc.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

examp said:


> doing sex with anyone else would hurt her just the same.


Maybe but not necessarily. 

One of the things that those of us that have been on these forums any lengths of time have come to understand is women can be completely cold and uninterested and seemingly asexual with their husbands but screw the guy down the street or at the gym or bar like a linx in heat. 

Vaginas have a way of drying up and slamming shut for one guy but rolling out the red carpet for others. 

Adultery is an issue of character and mores and not about sexuality itself. 

With as self centered and self serving as she is and as much lack of respect and honor that she has for you, it Would be surprising if she hasn’t hooked up with someone(s) else in 50 years. 
You may have been kept in a cage for decades. But she hasn’t. She has done everything that she has wanted and at various points in 50 years she has probably wanted to screw some guy at some point.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

It probably isn't much comfort, but she is truly miserable on the inside and it reflects on the outside. You know your situation and seem to have made the best you can under the circumstances. Glad you can come here to vent.

BTW: I lived a similar life in many ways--just opposite genders. Happiness became a choice for me. Are you able to walk, enjoy nature, help others--like your neighbor lady--when you see the need? There are a lot of other lonely folks in the world.

If I were you, I might try to work on being closer to the grandchildren--not necessarily in time, but in love, sharing ideas, compassion, being available if they need someone. Everyone needs hugs--even virtual ones. Of course, you may be wary that she would try to destroy this. 

Glad you have a men's group. Find others with similar interests, come here, look forward, not back, and do not make the mistake of wishing for her death--she sounds too mean to die and release you. Hugs.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> Has she suggested you seek "comfort" elsewhere?
> 
> I would normally strongly advocate for NOT retaliating by cheating on your marriage vows, but she might have said them, but never believed them, never saw the power and meaning of the them.


It’s not about retaliation at all. 

It would be about him trying to salvage a little bit of life left for him.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> It’s not about retaliation at all.
> 
> It would be about him trying to salvage a little bit of life left for him.


You are correct; "retaliation" was not the right word. My point was that the marriage vows are to be taken very seriously and in normal circumstances, cheating on your spouse is a decision that does not have moral or ethical backing. This is not a normal situation. Far from it.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Thanks. In a way you are right. I was living in a street (I dont live there now) where the women did not work and came together daily to discuss their husbands. I was poor and working very hard at the time and my wife told me what they said about me. I am quite sure she would have preferred one of the others. But times have moved on. Some of them are now dead and others a lot worse off than me. Yes she is miserable on the inside. She did say this many years ago, because then I stood up to her. And I suppose she is all the time trying to get her own back in any way she can. She couldnt care about herself just to annoy me. My neighbourhood lady is one in a million. I also have other neighbourhood ladies who are scared stiff of her. This happened three times that I recall with different ones. They heard her screaming at me for no reason. So I begged them afterwards to tell her to stop screaming, they didnt. Another young lady also offered me food at the time. I said no, she is too young, my wife would 'slaughter' her. Regarding my grandchildren, others have also told me that and I would add that my grandchildren even want it. I dont think it is a good idea because it would make my wife mad, and who knows what she will do to them. I therefore keep my distance. The main problem as I see it is that she really believes she is doing nothing wrong and never has done. That everything she does to me I deserve. That everything she requests from me or others has to be fulfilled and there is no such word as NO to her. She is very strong physically as well. I dont mean it like in real strength. But she had an operation and was better and on her feet quicker than anyone. Having a baby for her was more like having a tooth out. People tell me she is more like a man and has no real femininity. But she does use her 'charms' when she needs to. For instance when driving when she has to go back to let others through, she will get out of the car and tell the oncoming driver to drive it back for her or into a confined space. You mentioned death I find this very interesting. She wants to be buried next to me. But while we are alive does not want me to sleep with her.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You talking what she wants all the time. Focus on what you want and try to get some joy in your life. 
don’t give up on grandchildren. You gave up on your kids, try to make up with their kids.
It must be exhausting being so scared all the time.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> You talking what she wants all the time. Focus on what you want and try to get some joy in your life.
> don’t give up on grandchildren. You gave up on your kids, try to make up with their kids.
> It must be exhausting being so scared all the time.


I have already said that my wife would almost certainly make trouble for them if I did that. My joy is not worth that happening. I thank everyone reading this and posting. I intend to reply to everyone who posts like I have done till now. One can never know how something can help someone. I wouldnt call myself 'exhausting' or scared.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

examp said:


> I have already said that my wife would almost certainly make trouble for them if I did that. My joy is not worth that happening. I thank everyone reading this and posting. I intend to reply to everyone who posts like I have done till now. One can never know how something can help someone. I wouldnt call myself 'exhausting' or scared.


You can still keep in touch with them using technology. She doesn’t even have to know


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Must be frustrating to be in a 'life' where you must consider the repercussions from her. Perhaps, this is second nature now as her personality disorder is paramount to all. Where do you find happiness? peace?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

examp said:


> My wife said I have to eat what I am given or starve which I did for some time and my weight went down. My doctor said he was sending in social services. I wasnt keen on that so I went to a neighbour and begged for food.


Yeah. It sounds like she is seriously abusive. (She was quite probably abused herself as a child). The things you describe about the screaming and terrorising the neighbours. I am, frankly, concerned that you may be at risk if your health goes downhill. Is there anyone you can talk to?


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

I wouldnt use the word 'terrorise' for the neighbours. Just that they are all scared of her. I dont consider myself at risk and I have no one to talk to. She is getting older and calmer. If I could last out this long I can last out further. Please see the other threads who have taken up my case and what I write there.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Well, I think you may find some enjoyment on this forum. Beside relationship discussions that can get serious, you can go "Social spot" and chat on every subject available....
Welcome to our big house


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> You can still keep in touch with them using technology. She doesn’t even have to know


I'm getting the feeling he's been trying to figure out how to lead his own, separate & secret life, and that's what he's come here asking for help and/or validation with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@examp your wife sounds as if she has some form of mental health issues.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

I again thank all the almost thousand people reading this and those who have replied, it really does make me feel better even though I dont know you. Being the first time in over fifty years that I have really told anyone about it. I should have added this. My wifes mother was treated as a doormat and ended up separated and dead in a mental hospital. My wife her daughter says she is not going to end up like that and wont give me an inch. That also includes for instance not getting undressed when I am in the room although for some reason she has now relaxed that but I am not interested, anything which would give me joy. She has kept this religiously. My hands now are not dexterous and I have great difficulty peeling potatoes so I bought an electric peeler. My wife is still screaming at me it is a waste of money (they dont cost much) and she could be doing it for me.. She has seen me struggling in the past and has never offered.


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## SLO sandman (Sep 29, 2017)

examp said:


> I have been advised in new member forum to post here. I have been married over fifty years and it is difficult to know where to begin. I suppose one always starts with the sex subject. I was very naive when I got married having no experience, and the people I spoke to about it also had never heard of it. I just could not get into my wife properly. I went to doctors and others they gave me hormone tablets and what not, but no one told me what was wrong. There was no internet then so I had no way of finding out. After forty years I read on the internet about dilators so I bought some and presented it to my wife. She got very angry and refused to discuss it. You must remember it hurted her just as much as it hurted me, so she refused sex almost all the time. After a short time for some reason of which I have no idea she said she would agree to use them and told me she had done. I looked at the dilators and could see they had not been used. Imagine my surprise and I should add my horror when she showed me a dilator which she said a doctor had given her forty years earlier to use and she had now used it. I dont think anyone reading this will believe it but it is true. I had been led to believe by her and by doctors all these years that there was something wrong with me. I feel myself cheated out of sex, something which I believe everyone deserves. I must add that she used it a few times, the sex wasn't good although I could get in and then stopped altogether which is now the case. Of course a marriage where there isnt proper sex cant be any good and it brought many many more problems.
> charles.


You have a long marriage. I've been married before and over my life, I have been married over 30 years to another woman. I now live in a affectionless marriage. A little history. After my divorce from teh mother of my children, I met my current wife and we dated, eventually living together for a year before she proposed and we married. She was affectionate for the first 5 years as the kids became teenagers, the affection slowed until our 8th year of marriage when it stopped. When she met me, I was just recovering from a serious illness and was forced to retire early at 55. She opened her own retail business and began to earn her money as I only had social security. I had significant real estate assets which generated income and our finances have always been seperate with sufficient income to to live in a $1 million dollar home(paid off) and take domestic vacations each year. I even developed three startup businesses which never took off as I hoped and although she was supportive of my efforts, I began to feel like she thought I only had pipe dreams that would never amount to anything. I felt a lack of respect from her. The affection from her began to wane and although I tried, it was rarely returned. Sex became a thing of the past. At first I felt like it was our ages, because she was 60 and I was 66. Clearly, my libido was still strong and she had zero interest. I complained and she promised to have a doctor consultation to see if it was a medical problem. This promise was made for three consecutive years before she went to see the doctor. The doctor advised her that hormone treatments could help the situation, but her research and advice from her sisters had her frightened of the risk of cancer after prolonged use of hormones. She opted against the hormone treatments. Whenever I would reach out to her for intimacy, she would push me away. I began to feel bad about the rejection and felt a loss of confidence. Once, she agreed to have sex, but it was clearly obligatory and unsatisfying, in fact unpleasant for me. She rejected counseling. At that point, I began to feel like the marriage was dead. My struggle is that I love her now as a friend only and crave the affection of someone who could share the last 20+ years of my life with some level of mutual affection. She is a really good person who everyone loves. I believe she married me because I needed help after recovering from serious heath issues with two toddlers. I was also her 1st husband. She was 49 and I was 56 when we married. I am preparing for a life on my own at 66 and with little income. I know that selling my house and having income producing property that we will both be fine financially when we part ways. Its just hard to leave a good friend after 11 years. But, everyone deserves love in this life and to live comfortably numb the rest of my life seems like a miserable existence.
Thats my story and I feel better just sharing it. David


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

Thank you for your post. I think we have a very lot in common. There are many things you mention. Like your house and the retail business I have exactly the same. I dont know why you consider her a 'good' friend. I must be honest not being a woman I dont know why she cant have sex without any treatment with just zero interest. I know exactly how you feel. I like the way you right she proposed. My wife also did, she didnt wait for me to do it. At 49 it isnt usual for one not to be married and still want to be. You sound you are intent on parting ways, is that what she also wants or is she happy with life as it is. I also believe the 'lack of respect' is a reason for her 'zero interest'. My wife is also considered a 'really' good person whom everyone loves. She has a very large circle of friends. None of whom would believe what she really is like. That is why I keep quiet about it. I suppose you will divorce in the end having done it once before. I also felt a lot better after sharing my story on here. And I must also add, that since then I am getting on better with my wife. It must have made a great change in me.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

examp said:


> Thank you for your post. I think we have a very lot in common. There are many things you mention. Like your house and the retail business I have exactly the same. I dont know why you consider her a 'good' friend. I must be honest not being a woman I dont know why she cant have sex without any treatment with just zero interest. I know exactly how you feel. I like the way you right she proposed. My wife also did, she didnt wait for me to do it. At 49 it isnt usual for one not to be married and still want to be. You sound you are intent on parting ways, is that what she also wants or is she happy with life as it is. I also believe the 'lack of respect' is a reason for her 'zero interest'. My wife is also considered a 'really' good person whom everyone loves. She has a very large circle of friends. None of whom would believe what she really is like. That is why I keep quiet about it. I suppose you will divorce in the end having done it once before. I also felt a lot better after sharing my story on here. And I must also add, that since then I am getting on better with my wife. It must have made a great change in me.


Having sex with zero interest is not a good thing to suggest to your wife. OK, let's clarify that. Telling her that she ought to have sex despite zero interest is a bad thing. A very bad thing. She needs to have motivation, a reason, something SHE can buy into. That reason can be many things. You would like that reason to be "organic desire" on her part. That she just inherently wants to have sex with you because she desires sex. That likely isn't going to happen. But if she desires YOU, not sex, if it pleases her to do things that make you happy, that's an avenue you can explore. As in, there are a lot of things you might do (or SHOULD be doing for her) that you wouldn't normally consider fun or or your list of things you'd like to do. But you have learned to enjoy them because she does. That fuels you. Identify that and explore what it is about physical intimacy (calling it physical intimacy instead of sex will sometimes keep the conversation from going into deaf ears) that she can't see similarly.

If you haven't explored therapy, now is the time to do so. She may have deep-rooted issues that need to be addressed.

But individual counseling would be a good idea too, because just telling someone, or even thinking, that if they have zero interest it still shouldn't be an issue... that's not far from telling her, why can't you just pretend you're a sex toy for me for a few minutes? It's dehumanizing, disrespectful and just wrong.


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