# separation vs divorce



## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

If you are unhappy and considering ending a marriage, how do you know which of these is the right thing to do?
Separation makes reconciliation easier, right? Does it also hurt less the feelings of the person being left? Can giving a marriage some "space" actually improve the chances of working things out?


----------



## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It's interesting that in some countries (Canada for one), a couple must be legally separated for a time before they can get a full divorce. I suppose it's kind of like a cooling off period. That would lead people to believe that "space," if it doesn't improve your chances of working things out, definitely allows you to make sure of your decision.

I'm not sure what you mean by the question "Does it also hurt less the feelings of the person being left?" As in separation may be less hurtful than divorce? The relationship is still breaking down in both cases.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Make no mistakes. A separation is simply a divorce that hasn't happened yet.

Divorce is both emotionally, and financially extremely painful. Prior to taking that step it is beneficial to both parties to come to terms that divorce is the only feasible choice as either your partner simply will not work with you, or your efforts together have been unsuccessful.

Separation can create an emotional buffer that enables you to more objectively examine what you want for an outcome. Is it emotionally easier than just going for the divorce? Absolutely not. My wife and I have been separated for 15 months. Divorce would have a substantial negative impact on the both of us.


----------



## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Separation can create an emotional buffer that enables you to more objectively examine what you want for an outcome. Is it emotionally easier than just going for the divorce? Absolutely not. My wife and I have been separated for 15 months. Divorce would have a substantial negative impact on the both of us.


I'm sorry to hear that it's been painful for you. Do you think that separating before divorce makes it easier to cope with the pain? My thinking is that by slowing down the process, you have more time for dealing with specific feelings which arise at each step of the break-up. Or is it better to go straight to divorce, get it over with and deal with all the varying emotional issues at the same time?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

sfguy said:


> I'm sorry to hear that it's been painful for you. Do you think that separating before divorce makes it easier to cope with the pain? My thinking is that by slowing down the process, you have more time for dealing with specific feelings which arise at each step of the break-up. Or is it better to go straight to divorce, get it over with and deal with all the varying emotional issues at the same time?


Best analogy I can give you is that it is like taking off a band-aid. You can rip it off and get the shock of pain over quickly, or you can try to remove it slowly, hoping that the pain won't hurt as much but will last longer. Either way, it hurts. One hurt isn't really better than the other.

Separation leaves the door open to reconciliation over time (if that is a possibility that both partners find desirable). In our case, we have both grown as individuals. We have made changes that we would not have made had we stayed together. Separation has not been an endless slog of tears and misery. Do we expect to reconcile and live happily ever after? No.


----------

