# Jealousy!



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Is jealousy an issue in your relationship? How do you deal with jealousy?

I am struggling with jealousy, especially with a long distance relationship. And he says that he is not willing to change his life to feed to my dysfunctional thinking. He wants me to trust him and he is honest with me. He shares so much details with me that he doesn't have to share. We skype every day. He is involved so much in church and in contact with lots of females. It is positive that he keeps sharing with me his plans in details even when he knows I might overreact. But for me I can't get over it, I can't handle to know a female riding his car, especially for a long ride, even if it is for church activities. He does it anyway and I feel a lot of pain. He says that he understands how I feel but disagrees with me and asks me to change if I want to keep the relationship. 

In my opinion I think he should not take a female in his car when he is in a relationship.

Am I in unhealthy jealousy, should I work on my jealousy and compromise or not?


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Do you go to church also?

If so, could you talk to your pastor about this?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

LVS said:


> Is jealousy an issue in your relationship? How do you deal with jealousy?
> 
> I am struggling with jealousy, especially with a long distance relationship. And he says that he is not willing to change his life to feed to my dysfunctional thinking. He wants me to trust him and he is honest with me. He shares so much details with me that he doesn't have to share. We skype every day. He is involved so much in church and in contact with lots of females. It is positive that he keeps sharing with me his plans in details even when he knows I might overreact. But for me I can't get over it, I can't handle to know a female riding his car, especially for a long ride, even if it is for church activities. He does it anyway and I feel a lot of pain. He says that he understands how I feel but disagrees with me and asks me to change if I want to keep the relationship.
> 
> ...


No.
You don't need to work on your jealousy, what you need to work on is setting proper boundaries for the type of treatment you will not accept for yourself and probably ultimately getting a man who understands and respects those boundaries.

And why exactly does he _need_ to have these females or that particular female alone with him, on long journeys in his car?

How do you think he would feel if you were riding long distance with a male coworker he doesn't know, whilst he's apart from you?

Next time you two skype , before the video chat starts, make sure to have a male friend come over to your place , sit on the couch with you and say hello to your boyfriend when both of you start video chatting.
Also you may want to post some pics on facebook of yourself having fun with other strange male " friends" at social events or church. Just to make sure everything's *_transparent_* and your boyfriend sees.

Then and only then he would understand. It's called
" _a taste of your own medicine._."

By the way I love your avatar.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

LVS said:


> He says that he understands how I feel but disagrees with me and asks me to change if I want to keep the relationship.


He gave you a very clear answer right there. He set his boundary, and it's your choice if you can handle that or if you need to move on.



> _In my opinion I think he should not take a female in his car when he is in a relationship._


There are no universal rules for these things. But think of it this way - since he lives long distance from you, if he was disposed to cheating he could easily do it anyway, whether the other woman carpooled with him or not. 



> _Am I in unhealthy jealousy, should I work on my jealousy and compromise or not?_


Jealousy is seldom healthy, especially what you describe here, where you have no actual reason to think he's cheating on you (or if you do, you haven't shared it with us). If you continue down this road, you will eventually drive him into the arms of another woman and so ironically, your own jealousy will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I agree. Your jealousy isn't the issue. The lack of boundaries is. 

I like CM's advice.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I agree. Your jealousy isn't the issue. The lack of boundaries is.


:scratchhead:

Look at my comment above. On the contrary, he gave her a very clear boundary. It's up to her whether to accept that or not.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My best advice is to read the book Not Just Friends. I just read it myself and it answers these questions. She discusses the difference between unhealthy jealousy vs being gaslighted and how to tell the difference.

Its a good read and I highly recommend it to anyone in this situation.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My best advice is to read the book Not Just Friends. I just read it myself and it answers these questions. She discusses the difference between unhealthy jealousy vs being gaslighted and how to tell the difference.
> 
> Its a good read and I highly recommend it to anyone in this situation.



She _is_ being gaslighted.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

LVS said:


> Is jealousy an issue in your relationship? How do you deal with jealousy?
> 
> I am struggling with jealousy, especially with a long distance relationship. And he says that *he is not willing to change* his life to feed to *my dysfunctional thinking*. He wants me to *trust him* and he is honest with me. He shares so much details with me that he doesn't have to share. We skype every day. He is involved so much in church and *in contact with lots of females*. It is positive that he keeps sharing with me his plans in details even when he knows *I might overreact*. But for me I can't get over it, I can't handle to know a *female riding his car, especially for a long ride*, even if it is for church activities. He does it anyway and I feel a lot of pain. He says that he understands how I feel but disagrees with me and *asks me to change* if I want to keep the relationship.
> 
> ...


At a church I attended, pastors, etc. were not allowed to be alone with the females. There is SO MUCH cheating that goes on. Men with positions of authority get hit on a lot. I think he has poor boundaries and is a cheater in the making. You need to do all the changing to hang on to him. Really? 

Just because it is cloaked as being a "church" activity does not negate the need for boundaries. You are being gaslighted. I hope you stand up for yourself. This is not unreasonable jealousy. Church people cheat just as much as regular 'ole people, they just hide it better. Maybe you can gift him the book _Not Just Friends._ He's going to need it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> At a church I attended, pastors, etc. were not allowed to be alone with the females. There is SO MUCH cheating that goes on. Men with positions of authority get hit on a lot. I think he has poor boundaries and is a cheater in the making. You need to do all the changing to hang on to him. Really?


CM and Firefly,

Suspicious minds abound!

A cheater in the making?? Are you serious? That's a pretty serious accusation to make without evidence. And where is the "gaslighting" going on here? Someone please point this out for me.

Look at what the OP actually says:

He skypes with her every day
He shares his plans in detail
She calls him "honest" and has found no reason not to trust him

The only issue is that he shares rides with females on long rides sometimes, and it's not even clear if they are alone together in the car. This isn't Iran or Saudi Arabia where unmarried males and females aren't allowed to ride in a car together. If I were the OP, I would only be concerned if I had some evidence of cheating, flirtation, or even an EA.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I agree. Your jealousy isn't the issue. The lack of boundaries is.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 :iagree:


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you all for taking time to reply. Your opinion is match appreciated.

We actually met on a dating site, we are in relationship since January. I am in my late forties and he is in his mid fifties. He came to visit me 3 times in the past 10 months. I am going to visit him for the first time on the Thanksgiving week. He is willing to relocate once he sells his house.
Not only we skype everyday, we also keep skype open the whole night. But even if we don't skype at night, I don't doubt him and I don't feel I am gaslighted.
I know that he is able to hide everything and tell me what pleases me but he doesn't, he tells me the truth. He says jealousy is not healthy and that he didn't give me a reason to be jealous or doubting him. 

We just have different ways of seeing things for him we are in a committed relationship he says he doesn't flirt with females and he doesn't date any other female while he is in a relationship. He wouldn't mind if once in a while a guy rides in my car or if I am around guys, he says it's because he trusts me.

For me I am more cautious, I say that I trust him but I don't like risking things and having a female riding alone with him or a male riding with me is like playing with matches . He disagrees with me and doesn't see it this way at all he says he is positive and confident of his love and commitment to our relationship. He also says if I see it this way than it means I doubt myself and I shouldn't let a guy ride with me.


I don't know if I should set boundaries as CM said and stick to my opinion or I should let go my fears and work on my insecurity and get over those things.
I agree as MissFroggie said that the distance is playing a huge part in my insecurity and jealousy.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I can relate to the frustration of the long-distance relationship. Especially if you have not yet visited him on his turf. 

To me what would be important would be HOW he listened to your concerns.... Was he minimizing or belittling or dismissive of how you felt? Or is he genuinely concerned, understanding, and reassuring? 

In other words, are you in this together? What affects one, affects both.

I think, also, your ages are an important factor. At least my H and I found this to be true. It's harder to make some changes when habits and social patterns are well established, as they so often are when we're in midlife. 

So, for me, what mattered more was whether I had a sense of working on things together as we learned more about each other over time. BTW even though I eventually relocated, we still don't live together all the time because of dueling needs... (Established careers are another midlife reality.) So we are still working on fine-tuning some of these pre-existing "bad habits." Which is harder when you don't control the same space. 

The important thing is to feel that we're on the same team and care about each other's concerns, and work toward mutually agreeable solutions.

Things may shift naturally when you go see him at his place.


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## amiotcqss (Nov 14, 2013)

I agree. Your jealousy isn't the issue.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LVS said:


> he says he doesn't flirt with females and he doesn't date any other female while he is in a relationship. He wouldn't mind if once in a while a guy rides in my car or if I am around guys, he says it's because he trusts me.


My ex used to say s hit like this...along with things like "I don't see why we have to put a label on our relationship".

Yeah.

I caught him cheating with his ex.

Do you really want to be with someone who is so dismissive of your feelings?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

frusdil said:


> My ex used to say s hit like this...along with things like "I don't see why we have to put a label on our relationship".
> 
> Yeah.
> 
> I caught him cheating with his ex.



That is a classic example of "projecting".




> _Do you really want to be with someone who is so dismissive of your feelings?_



Just curious... Would you ask that same question to the husband in this other thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...male-gynecologist-im-upset-advice-please.html


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're dating. Dating is a time for learning if you're compatible. You're not compatible. So what does that tell you?

I think you are overreacting myself, so apparently you and I aren't compatible either. That doesn't make either of us bad or even wrong. But he's being open with you about what he's doing. He just doesn't see it as being wrong. So it wouldn't change even if he lived close to you.

C


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

LVS said:


> We just have different ways of seeing things for him we are in a committed relationship he says he doesn't flirt with females and he doesn't date any other female while he is in a relationship. He wouldn't mind if once in a while a guy rides in my car or if I am around guys, he says it's because he trusts me.
> 
> For me I am more cautious, I say that I trust him but I don't like risking things and having a female riding alone with him or a male riding with me is like playing with matches . He disagrees with me and doesn't see it this way at all he says he is positive and confident of his love and commitment to our relationship. He also says if I see it this way than it means I doubt myself and I shouldn't let a guy ride with me.
> 
> ...


Ok.

LVS, 
I just had a look at some of your past post because I realized that this is not your first post or thread.

What I think I see is a pattern of abuse in your past relationships. You have been subjected to abusive relationships in the past.

What I think you should do is align the dynamics of your present relationship with those of the past , and see if there are any parallels between what exists now and your visceral feel reaction to it.
If you see any parallels , the it simply means that you are making the same mistake as before.
Your boyfriend may not be an abusive person, but because of your temperament , the balance of power in the relationship would always be tipped in his favour. That he is unwilling to compromise to accommodate your feelings on such a simple issue speaks volumes for the future of the relationship.

Sometimes people find themselves making the same mistakes in choosing partners because they subconsciously attracted to a certain type.

Again, he set his boundaries, you must not allow him to dictate yours. You set your boundaries and if he wants you to respect his, then he must respect yours.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband has always gone off on business with female colleagues. They have shared cars, gone to hotels (not in the same room, obviously!) and it is really not a problem for me at all. So, as others have said, I too think your reaction is probably over the top. Not wrong; but not helpful.

I think the advice to visit him in his home town and then re-evaluate is excellent.

If your BF suddenly has to tell some 80 year old biddy that he can no longer drive her to the soup kitchen due to his GF's jealousy then he is going to look a bit foolish.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

:iagree:



> I think the advice to visit him in his home town and then re-evaluate is excellent.
> 
> If your BF suddenly has to tell some 80 year old biddy that he can no longer drive her to the soup kitchen due to his GF's jealousy then he is going to look a bit foolish.


I am totally in agreement that first you have to visit on his home turf before feeling you understand all the ins and outs of his decisions and habits!

It was nearly a year before that happened for me and my H. I was at last able to put faces and places to all the names I had heard. It made a huge difference. He made sure to have me meet the special people in his life (many of whom were women because of his work), see where he worked, etc. I quickly realized that there was no one like me around! 

Again, though, a lot of your sense of safety in this relationship will likely come from how you listen to each other's concerns. As has been said (I think by John Gray), 90% of what we get upset about doesn't even have to do with what's in front of us. It's our own past. So we have to be gentle w/ each other and listen more than complain. 

Well, at least in my experience--I'm still trying!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hi LVS, long time!

I'd normally say having another woman in his car is an issue, but I see some things here that might make it not so much of one. In the first place, nearly everything that takes place at or for churches will have more women participating than men. And lots of times rules are strict about who can do what, like if kids are involved. Our church won't allow a man to be alone in a car with a kid, even if they're dropping kids off at their homes and there's only one kid left. And sometimes churches don't have the funds to have buses or vans, so a lot of car sharing goes on. 

Note that I have no idea if any of this applies to your bf's church; just putting it out there. 

In the second place, your past experience with your ex may be affecting your feelings or possibly your ability to have faith in him. From what you describe in this guy, he has nothing to hide, dotes on you, is 100% honest with you. And this is all going to change when he moves to your city anyway. You can be doing these things together.

Therefore, I suggest you tell him it bothers you, to keep the honest going, but leave it at that.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies, i hear a lot of wisdom there. hi Turnera and PBear Hope everything is well with both of you.

CM you have a good point in what you said. The thing is in the past i wasn't jealous but also i am a different person now and what i have agreed for it to happen in the past i don't accept it now. 
For now, i don't want to lose a good relationship because of my insecurity and fears. I sense that he reached his limits.

I am going to take the advice given to me and wait until i visit him. Maybe it is a way to just accept this situation and work more to overcome my fears and insecurities. He didn't give me any reason to doubt or not trust him all the past since we started dating.


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## Linda2015 (Nov 15, 2013)

I agree With *Caribbean Man*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

turnera said:


> In the second place, your past experience with your ex may be affecting your feelings or possibly your ability to have faith in him. From what you describe in this guy, he has nothing to hide, dotes on you, is 100% honest with you. And this is all going to change when he moves to your city anyway. You can be doing these things together.


From all I have read ...how this man is being described thus far...the guy sounds like a KEEPER to me....it's just unfortunate you live so far away...it is the "not seeing each other" -building the emotional intimacy - that is affecting you, not knowing these women in the church, our minds can build things up. 

and HOW YOU WERE HURT IN THE PAST...this is clouding you, this man deserves a clean slate, not to be looked upon , as though..."well he is probably just like the rest"..

Tell me...were the previous men this upfront / forthcoming with their activities, all those details? 

.....Really...who in the world would offer all of this... if they were doing things in secret to hurt you...would be awfully foolish , wouldn't it...

It is those who feel stuff is "none of your business" that would concern me.. NOT what is being described here ...I would prefer this sort of man... and if I was him, I would have concerns ahead about if /when he talked to another female , is she going to build that up in her head....some people can be overly jealous and ruin a good relationship - to the point a spouse feels they are walking on egg shells.. This is equally as damaging as not sharing enough, or hiding...it even brings that behavior on -if it gets out of hand...

If this man has been honorable in all his ways..his dealings with the opposite sex...should he have to change his lifestyle and tip toe around to appease.. 

This is a valid question as well.

He isn't picking them up in a bar setting...or the strip club.... 

I think you need to meet some of these people ..and your mind would be at ease...The long distance thing..this can cause many issues ..it's not an easy thing -in dating...



> *LVS said*: He didn't give me any reason to doubt or not trust him all the past since we started dating.


 Be careful not to dump a good man, or allow your insecurities to drive him away.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

No, I don't think you have a problem with jealousy whatsoever. This is an issue of boundaries and what makes you uncomfortable. Frankly, his reaction to your concerns bothers me more than anything you did. He doesn't understand, much less respect your boundaries. Do your self a favor and wear the jealousy label with pride and stick to your guns.

I admit, I am a jealous husband and I'm not ashamed of it. I don't think my jealously is because I'm insecure or because I'm controlling ... I just don't like my wife having social or other interactions on a personal level with other men, especially when I'm not around. I just don't think it's right and it's a deal breaker for me. Once or twice things got difficult between us because of this and I was prepared to walk because of it.


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## amanthatcares (Nov 9, 2013)

Theseus said:


> That is a classic example of "projecting".
> 
> 
> 
> ...


exactly. it is the same thing, but in the other thread the guy was ambushed for his feelings, but this kind of jealousy is supposed to be fine


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Hello everyone,
Thank you for all your input. I had great time with him. I met all his friends. Nothing was different of what he shared with me.
He is a great guy and with my insecurity i was pushing him away.
Since i switched to the trusting person i overcame jealousy an d he is more sharing with me


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Glad to hear it!


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