# Husband had a one night stand



## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this? I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. I want to put it passed me, help!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It will be very hard to get past this. I mean meeting and then having sex with someone you met at a funeral? The funeral of your best friend? It's pretty sick.
It will take a very long time to deal with this, the trust has been shattered, plus he has shown that he cant be trusted being away from home or when he drinks.
The first thing he must do is get tests for STD's. He will need a test now and again in a few weeks I believe. Don't have sex till you have had all results.
In your place I would want the drinking to stop totally. Does he usually drink a lot? Substance abuse counselling will hopefully help with that, but normal counselling won't change the fact that he thought it was ok to committ adultery. That was down to his lack of integrity.
If you don't think he is telling the full truth then you could request that he takes a lie detector test. Often people will be more truthful once they are booked in for that. Has he told you who it was?

This is so recent, many say it takes 2-3 years to be able to get a marriage back on track after cheating, so don't expect a quick fix. Rebuilding trust is a very long process. You may both benefit from marriage counselling.

If you need it ask for a time of separation, it will give you the time and space to think and reflect and will also mean that he realizes there are serious consequences to what he did. Do you have children?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry @kampeaches that you are here. I know this is hurtful but your WH came clean very quickly and seems remorseful.
He has however major problems with alcohol and boundaries.
As for yourself you need to see if he is doing all the work necessary to show he is remorseful and he is becoming a better H so that he will never do this again or put himself in such a position.
You will go through a grieving cycle which is perfectly normal, you will be devastated, angry, etc but if he does the work necessary to help you heal you can both get through this.
I would suggest you get some individual counselling to help yourself and consider having your WH lead the recovery process.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

A lot of people will likely tell you that you MUST divorce him immediately. Only you can make that decision and hopefully the advice is to help you cope and help you to make the best decision for YOU. He messed up big time but that doesn't mean you can't get beyond it if that's what you decide is best. Whatever your decision, it's going to be a long road to rebuild your life inside or outside the marriage. I wish you the strength to get through this.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I mean meeting and then having sex with someone you met at a funeral? The funeral of your best friend? It's pretty sick.


I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.

*This is in no way an excuse* but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Alcohol is not an excuse. He chose to drink, he chose the consequences. 

Your next actions depend on your personality. I wonder what would happen if you told him that you are going to "sort of" have sex with a man to level the playing field. And you're going to make sure he goes down on you. I'm not suggesting that you do it.

You have a major problem on your hands. If you're having mind movies about him getting a blowjob and having sex (which he likely completed unless the alcohol induced a case of limberitis), your road to recovery and forgiveness could be long and hard. The work to save the marriage may not be worth the reward. Don't pass this off lightly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.
> 
> *This is in no way an excuse* but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.


I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do you have kids?

If not, I personally would divorce if this happened in my life 

There are many people who would stay with someone who had a hook up and many people who would not stay with someone who had a hook up. Only you know which one you are. 

There are millions of men in the world who, when faced with the loss of a friend and a "bad airline experience", don't drink to excess and decide to get into a sexual situation with another woman. I want one of those men to be my husband.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.


And to the BS.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It would help to find out why he came clean. I would be concerned that people witnessed it, or that someone threatened him with exposure, so he got in first. Given it was his best friend, lots of people there knew him.

If this didn’t happen, then you have a very honest man full of regret. 

I was the other woman once when I was single, I had my first and only physical incident after a lengthy emotional affair. I was blackout drunk but unfortunately I remember all of it. Guilt and doing the worst thing made my memory even sharper. 

So to get past this, you maybe could decide if you want all the truth or not. And decide then what to do with the truth?


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

First thank you for the advice. My husband is a wonderful man and seriously has been the best husband up until now. He told me because he doesn't lie, it's not his personality at all. He has and will probably be 100% truthful all the time. He is a very attractive man and he actually pays attention to people and will talk and get along with everyone, which some people do take as flirting. The thing that bothers me about this situation is that the woman was sober. He doesn't remember passed a certain point in the night and he is definitely not using any excuses to make this better. He straight told me he doesn't know why it happened. And I do know he knows it's from drinking way to much. I think he was taken advantage of. Like this girl say a really drunk man and drove him to her apartment and tried to have sex with but he was so drunk he couldn't.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

kampeaches said:


> I want to put it passed me, help!


I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's so painful that it's natural to just want to all go away, but that won't fix things. Sure, you'll be able to pretend all is well for a while, but it will come back to bite you. They call it rugsweeping, and that never ends well. It has to be dealt with, and unfortunately, dealing with it usually takes a good deal of time and effort.

This is a good forum though. Lots of good people here. Most won't sugarcoat anything, but the advice is meant to help not hurt.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It doesn’t sound like he is making excuses but I think your last post is filled with you making excuses for him. I understand this, you’re in shock and it’s a normal reaction given the horrible situation you’re facing. Be kind to yourself, but don’t cover up his act. Ok it’s happened, getting past it will take time, you’re probably in the denial phase of grief. All very normal.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Exactly what @Luckylucky said. If we're wrong and you're not in denial, it sounds like everything is good now. How can we help?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> And to the BS.


Of course yes. Mostly to the BS.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Hello, I am sorry you are here.

Before I talk about your situation, I wanted to give you my background here. I came to this forum years ago, because I am a husband that had a one night stand in similar circumstances. There was a lot of alcohol involved, there was a sense of mortality, and loss, and a lot of feelings that helped create thoughts of selfishness and a fear that life was passing me by. I cannot really tell what your husband was feeling, but I can see how the situation could create similar thoughts.

That was 9 years ago. My wife and I are still married, and very happy together. It took a lot of work and a lot of rebuilding to get here, but here we are.

It is a good sign that he told you right away. There will be a lot of opinions here of why he did it, but none of us know you or your husband, so trust yourself to figure out the truth and don't let this place poison your thoughts.

If they had sex, he needs to get tested for STD's. He should not balk at that either, it sucks, it is embarrassing, and it is what he needs to do. He also needs to be willing to tell anyone and everyone the truth that you want. It is not a secret he gets to keep if you want your parents or his parents or whoever to know.

If you are part of a church or organization, I recommend you speak to someone there about it as well.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. I am an open book and will do what I can to help.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

What's the deal with his drinking? That's excessive, don't you think? And even if you do drink, you can be cognizant enough to know NOT to sleep with someone who isn't your wife? Also, why weren't you at the funeral with him?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

kampeaches said:


> First thank you for the advice. My husband is a wonderful man and seriously has been the best husband up until now. He told me because he doesn't lie, it's not his personality at all. He has and will probably be 100% truthful all the time. He is a very attractive man and he actually pays attention to people and will talk and get along with everyone, which some people do take as flirting. The thing that bothers me about this situation is that the woman was sober. He doesn't remember passed a certain point in the night and he is definitely not using any excuses to make this better. He straight told me he doesn't know why it happened. And I do know he knows it's from drinking way to much. I think he was taken advantage of. Like this girl say a really drunk man and drove him to her apartment and tried to have sex with but he was so drunk he couldn't.


So he is blaming the woman. That isn't taking responsibility nor being repentant. He was taken advantage of? Come on now.
I appreciate that most cheated on spouses like to put most the blame on the 'terrible wicked' other person but he made the decision to go back to her place knowing what was going to happen drunk or not. He made the decision to carry on drinking for 4 days.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Also, do not make her the bad guy here. I am not saying she is a good person, but she made no vows to you.

Any blame you put on her, absolves him of responsibility. I was stumbling drunk and knowingly made choices that led to direct outcomes, do not give him that excuse.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> Also, do not make her the bad guy here. I am not saying she is a good person, but she made no vows to you.
> 
> Any blame you put on her, absolves him of responsibility. I was stumbling drunk and knowingly made choices that led to direct outcomes, do not give him that excuse.


Yes.

OP, your husband was aware enough to remember what happened enough to tell you. Drunk or not, he still thought it was okay to be that close to another woman. It didn't feel wrong to him. It's not like he had amnesia and forgot who he was and who you were.


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So he is blaming the woman. That isn't taking responsibility nor being repentant. He was taken advantage of? Come on now.
> I appreciate that most cheated on spouses like to put most the blame on the 'terrible wicked' other person but he made the decision to go back to her place knowing what was going to happen drunk or not. He made the decision to carry on drinking for 4


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Im usually one of those “get divorced now” types but I’ll say that your situation isn’t following the normal “cheater script”. Take note that I didn’t say he is innocent. He is absolutely responsible for his actions but there are some circumstances involved. If your description of him is accurate then I believe you have something to work with.
HOWEVER.... If he doesn’t agree to join AA or comes up with reasons why he doesn’t need to then your just wasting time.

Another thing: My father was recently discovered to have stage 4 lung cancer. That kind of news makes a lot of things swirl around in your head. Some of them not so good....


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I've been in similar situations myself and never fell for the bait while in a relationship. I know what I'd do, but that's me and short of roofies I don't buy the bs of "I was drunk, I don't know why".


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

He's only blaming himself, hes definitely not blaming the woman or even the alcohol. He is fully admitted to everything and has literally been crying since he told me. I don't know how he could forgot about me because he was literally talking about me (according to other people at the celebration). He is getting tested, that was the first thing I said to him and he agreed with no questions about it. I am making the excuses for him however I know my husband and I know that this isn't like him. I'm not blaming the girl because she was dumb and took home an intoxicated man that couldn't keep it up. I'm blaming her because he was drunk and she pushed herself on him. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because we couldn't afford all of us to go. We do have 2 children together.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I wouldn't make joining AA an absolute. 

@kampeaches you're approaching this very thoughtfully and correctly, hang in there.

I won't say what you should do or shouldn't do regarding the solution that works for your family. Only you'll know how you want to handle this.

Just approach with open eyes and require honesty from youself and from H in a serious evaluation. 

You can do it. Courage and compassion to you.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

kampeaches said:


> He's only blaming himself, hes definitely not blaming the woman or even the alcohol. He is fully admitted to everything and has literally been crying since he told me. I don't know how he could forgot about me because he was literally talking about me (according to other people at the celebration). He is getting tested, that was the first thing I said to him and he agreed with no questions about it. I am making the excuses for him however I know my husband and I know that this isn't like him. I'm not blaming the girl because she was dumb and took home an intoxicated man that couldn't keep it up. I'm blaming her because he was drunk and she pushed herself on him. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because we couldn't afford all of us to go. We do have 2 children together.


Ok, thanks for responding. I think in the future though, he shouldn't be trusted to go anywhere alone. He can't afford to bring you, then...he can't go. It's that simple. I don't know if you really want to live your life like that, but it seems you want to reconcile, which is fine.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Alcohol is not an excuse. He chose to drink, he chose the consequences.
> 
> Your next actions depend on your personality. I wonder what would happen if you told him that you are going to "sort of" have sex with a man to level the playing field. And you're going to make sure he goes down on you. I'm not suggesting that you do it.
> 
> You have a major problem on your hands. If you're having mind movies about him getting a blowjob and having sex (which he likely completed unless the alcohol induced a case of limberitis), your road to recovery and forgiveness could be long and hard. The work to save the marriage may not be worth the reward. Don't pass this off lightly.


Very bad route.

This is one of the "better" cases of infidelity. He had an emotional trauma and a huge loss, drank too much for too long while poorly coping and had one episode of drunken sex. He then immediately confessed and is displaying remorse.

OP is asking how to cope with questions and the emotions and how to reconcile in a healthy way.

She is working on R not D and I certainly approve in a situation like this one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> Ok, thanks for responding. I think in the future though, he shouldn't be trusted to go anywhere alone. He can't afford to bring you, then...he can't go. It's that simple. I don't know if you really want to live your life like that, but it seems you want to reconcile, which is fine.


This is apparently not a pattern of behavior but a significant emotional trauma where he abused alcohol to cope.

He needs counseling to not only deal with his betrayal, for which he is remorseful and fessed up to immediately, but also to help him deal with the blow of losing his friend.

OP needs to be involved and get the help she needs to heal as well.

This is not some type of serial behavior but an aberration brought on by a traumatic loss.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

kampeaches said:


> He's only blaming himself, hes definitely not blaming the woman or even the alcohol. He is fully admitted to everything and has literally been crying since he told me. I don't know how he could forgot about me because he was literally talking about me (according to other people at the celebration). He is getting tested, that was the first thing I said to him and he agreed with no questions about it. I am making the excuses for him however I know my husband and I know that this isn't like him. I'm not blaming the girl because she was dumb and took home an intoxicated man that couldn't keep it up. I'm blaming her because he was drunk and she pushed herself on him. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because we couldn't afford all of us to go. We do have 2 children together.


You are still blaming her. You say she took him home. So he had no choice as to whether he went home with her? She dragged him all the way there did she? Forced him into her car? Kidnapped him? You say she pushed herself on him(so he says), so he couldn't have stopped her? Said no? Sorry you have to stop blaming her and also realize that had he not been unable to get it up as you say they would have had full sex with all the risks if pregnancy as well. 
He is also clearly blaming her to a large extent and that means he isn't talking full responsibility. Until you both accept that he was fully responsible for cheating and stop blaming the OW You aren't accepting reality. 
I appreciate that it's very hard for you to accept that the man you love could have betrayed you so badly but he did and that's the reality. He choose to do this.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Very bad route.


We'll see. I've been down this road before.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> So he is blaming the woman. That isn't taking responsibility nor being repentant. He was taken advantage of? Come on now.
> I appreciate that most cheated on spouses like to put most the blame on the 'terrible wicked' other person but he made the decision to go back to her place knowing what was going to happen drunk or not. He made the decision to carry on drinking for 4 days.


No. He is taking responsibility. He was extremely drunk and OP thinks the woman might have taken advantage. He didn't say that. He also fessed up very quickly when he could have tried a bunch of nonsense about hiding it. 

It has happened to me twice in my life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> You are still blaming her. You say she took him home. So he had no choice as to whether he went home with her? She dragged him all the way there did she? Forced him into her car? Kidnapped him? You say she pushed herself on him(so he says), so he couldn't have stopped her? Said no? Sorry you have to stop blaming her and also realize that had he not been unable to get it up as you say they would have had full sex with all the risks if pregnancy as well.
> He is also clearly blaming her to a large extent and that means he isn't talking full responsibility. Until you both accept that he was fully responsible for cheating and stop blaming the OW You aren't accepting reality.
> I appreciate that it's very hard for you to accept that the man you love could have betrayed you so badly but he did and that's the reality. He choose to do this.


Diana, you have no idea what you are talking about because regardless of what you believe, you have led a very sheltered life.

A long time ago, when I use to get out of my mind drunk, women have taken advantage of me.

Once was right where I lay in a stupor and once was when a coworker took me to her apartment from a bar.

It happens.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think a lot of people are underestimating the power of alcohol or haven't been drunk properly... give the guy a break and a chance. And yes, before anybody mentions it, I'm a doormat...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> REDACTED


It's apparently never happened to you so it can't happen.

Preach on expert


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> This is apparently not a pattern of behavior but a significant emotional trauma where he abused alcohol to cope.
> 
> He needs counseling to not only deal with his betrayal, for which he is remorseful and fessed up to immediately, but also to help him deal with the blow of losing his friend.
> 
> ...


Most of us face losses in life, loosing a good friend at some point in our lives is probably pretty common among the population. 
While it's positive that he has told his wife, I don't see how making excuses for his behaviour helps. What will he do if someone else in his life dies? Or he faces another loss? Get drunk again? Find another lady?

I hope for the children's sakes that they can make it work but there are no excuses for cheating that can justify something so very serious.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> This is apparently not a pattern of behavior but a significant emotional trauma where he abused alcohol to cope.
> 
> He needs counseling to not only deal with his betrayal, for which he is remorseful and fessed up to immediately, but also to help him deal with the blow of losing his friend.
> 
> ...


Oh, ok. That was an oversight on my part. I thought it read that he was a drinker in general.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Once was right where I lay in a stupor and once was when a coworker took me to her apartment from a bar.


To avoid a threadjack, how was your experience compared with OP's?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> We'll see. I've been down this road before.


Your wife had an emotional trauma, got hammered, taken advantage of and fessed up immediately and it was an aberration that only happened once?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I think a lot of people are underestimating the power of alcohol or haven't been drunk properly... give the guy a break and a chance. And yes, before anybody mentions it, I'm a doormat...


He choose to drink for 3 days probably knowing that it was bad idea. Being drunk is never as excuse to act badly and shatter other people's lives.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Your wife had an emotional trauma, got hammered, taken advantage of and fessed up immediately and it was an aberration that only happened once?


It was someone with whom I had an LTR. Once she sobered up, it happened again (the next day), and he was fully capable of keeping it up.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> To avoid a threadjack, how was your experience compared with OP's?


He managed more control over his situation than I did. He actually tried to stop it at some point.

I just drunkenly let the woman do what she would and went through the motions. I really wasn't in a right frame of mind because that much alcohol really alters not only who you usually are in some ways, it destroys a lot of resistance and decisions go out the window.

There is a reason it can be charged as a sexual assault for a sober person to have sex with a staggering drunk.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Since it has happened to you and you were able to sell it to your SO, I see why you're defending her husband. It's actually a very normal reaction.


Since you have zero experience, you should probably not try to be selling anything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> It was someone with whom I had an LTR. Once she sobered up, it happened again (the next day), and he was fully capable of keeping it up.


A bit different from this situation. OP's husband tried to stop, didn't do it again and confessed immediately.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Since you have zero experience, you should probably not try to be selling anything.


You have NO clue what my experience level is. None. Zero. Nada.


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You are still blaming her. You say she took him home. So he had no choice as to whether he went home with her? She dragged him all the way there did she? Forced him into her car? Kidnapped him? You say she pushed herself on him(so he says), so he couldn't have stopped her? Said no? Sorry you have to stop blaming her and also realize that had he not been unable to get it up as you say they would have had full sex with all the risks if pregnancy as well.
> He is also clearly blaming her to a large extent and that means he isn't talking full responsibility. Until you both accept that he was fully responsible for cheating and stop blaming the OW You aren't accepting reality.
> I appreciate that it's very hard for you to accept that the man you love could have betrayed you so badly but he did and that's the reality. He choose to do this.





Diana7 said:


> You are still blaming her. You say she took him home. So he had no choice as to whether he went home with her? She dragged him all the way there did she? Forced him into her car? Kidnapped him? You say she pushed herself on him(so he says), so he couldn't have stopped her? Said no? Sorry you have to stop blaming her and also realize that had he not been unable to get it up as you say they would have had full sex with all the risks if pregnancy as well.
> He is also clearly blaming her to a large extent and that means he isn't talking full responsibility. Until you both accept that he was fully responsible for cheating and stop blaming the OW You aren't accepting reality.
> I appreciate that it's very hard for you to accept that the man you love could have betrayed you so badly but he did and that's the reality. He choose to do this.


I'm not blaming the woman he is claiming himself for getting himself into that situation. I know he is blaming himself and no one else. He didn't ejaculate he told me that because he got frustrated that it wasn't me and pushed her off. It doesn't make it easier, but at some point he did realize what was going on and end it. I don't blame her either I blame my husband I was simply stating that she is an idiot that took home a drunk man when she was sober and expected a good lay. He clearly is not blaming anybody or anything other than himself. Yes he admits that drinking was a factor but he has even admitted that he shouldn't have let himself get that way. He is going to a counselor for everything.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> You have NO clue what my experience level is. None. Zero. Nada.


You have displayed zero knowledge about being taken advantage of drunk so far.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Rebuilding after infidelity can take years. There are lots of ups and downs and triggers. You’ll never again trust him as completely as you did before his happened (and you shouldn’t). I reconciled under much different circumstances, very long ago, but I still remember the shock and sadness and hurt and anger. Time is the only way to get past it. One day you’ll wake up and it won’t be the first thing on your mind. It may take awhile but you’ll get there. I wish you the best going forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Diana, you have no idea what you are talking about because regardless of what you believe, you have led a very sheltered life.
> 
> A long time ago, when I use to get out of my mind drunk, women have taken advantage of me.
> 
> ...


My life has been anything but sheltered but I don't talk about most of it here so I can't blame you for not knowing how wrong you are. 

I do believe in taking responsibility though. For not blaming others for our own bad decisions. This is a married man with children not a single guy like you were then. 
His friend died, that is sad and yes he will grieve as we all do when we loose someone but making it seem almost acceptable that he cheated just because a good friend has died is quite bizarre. 
I appreciate that the thought today is that we excuse bad behaviour and blame it on everything and everyone but ourselves, but it's not helping anyone take personal responsibility for their own actions and their own choices.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Most of us face losses in life, loosing a good friend at some point in our lives is probably pretty common among the population.
> While it's positive that he has told his wife, I don't see how making excuses for his behaviour helps. What will he do if someone else in his life dies? Or he faces another loss? Get drunk again? Find another lady?
> 
> I hope for the children's sakes that they can make it work but there are no excuses for cheating that can justify something so very serious.


He didn't make excuses. You are making that up because OP didn't say he was at all.

He is getting help for this aberration. It hasn't happened before and it probably will never repeat since he immediately told her and is seeking help.

I'm very tough on infidelity and have been since coming here in 2013 but this is one of the "best" scenarios to recover from.

OP is asking for help dealing with the emotions and questions that come with infidelity.

The husband doesn't need hit with a 2x4 in this case and OP isn't deluded or in denial either.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> My life has been anything but sheltered but I don't talk about most of it here so I can't blame you for not knowing how wrong you are.
> 
> I do believe in taking responsibility though. For not blaming others for our own bad decisions. This is a married man with children not a single guy like you were then.
> His friend died, that is sad and yes he will grieve as we all do when we loose someone but making it seem almost acceptable that he cheated just because a good friend has died is quite bizarre.
> I appreciate that the thought today is that we excuse bad behaviour and blame it on everything and everyone but ourselves, but it's not helping anyone take personal responsibility for their own actions and their own choices.


Diana you have never been so drunk as to not give consent by the way you are talking about this.

You have very often spoken like one with experience and authority and been absolutely disconnected from the subject.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Diana you have never been so drunk as to not give consent by the way you are talking about this.
> 
> You have very often spoken like one with experience and authority and been absolutely disconnected from the subject.


I have never been drunk? And you know this how?

I have been through many awful things in life, things that you haven't a clue about and would probably be shocked to know about so please don't talk like you know me and my past.

This married man choose to drink for 4 days. He agreed to go to this ladies house. It's good he is largely repentant but it was his choices that have led to this mess. Hopefully he will learn from it and stop drinking and have better boundaries. Hopefully he will take full responsibility and make sure he is never in such a situation ever again. 

Loss is part of life, grief is part of life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kampeaches said:


> Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this? I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. I want to put it passed me, help!


I'm sorry this happened to you but it does sound like a terrible set of circumstances happened and your husband coped poorly with alcohol.

I've had women do the same to me back when I use to drink to drunkenness.

It isn't an excuse but you can't exactly give consent in those situations either.

You could both do with counseling. He needs greif counseling and you could both benefit from counseling together.

This obviously doesn't go away with a snap of the finger and you are experiencing very normal emotions.

The First thing you should realize is that what you are feeling isn't wrong at all and it's ok to let those emotions happen. You do need tools to work through your feelings in a positive way and there are some books that might be able to help.

Could you both try an experiment?

Sit down and have a conversation about how you both would feel if your positions were reversed.

If you two can explore how each of you would feel and act if you had been the one who was drunk and had a sober person have sex with you, it might be able to open up some good communication between you.

You have a pretty good foundation to recover from.

He doesn't appear to be the type to hide things from you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Next poster will say he was drunk for 6 days...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Does your husband have a tendency to go on drunken binges? This was a beat friend who died....was he showing signs of distress before he left for the funeral? Did you speak to him on the phone in those days he was drinking? Is there a reason you didn't go? My ex had to attend a funeral when we were married and was displaying distress. I wanted to be there for him to support him. 

I can tell you these situations can happen. One of my very good girlfriends who has been married for 30 years was drinking with a man that she met at a business meeting. She dearly loves her husband and has been faith all these years. She ended up in a situation with him which she told me about and told me she felt so guilty but she never admitted anything to her husband because she had no feelings for the man and she was afraid it would break trust between them. I became her "therapist"(LOL!) to help her thru the guilt. I also have man friends who are just that and I have heard all kinds of stories about being seduced by very bold women....not that it excuses his actions but there are lots of women who don't care what the man's status is. I would want to know if they exchanged numbers and if so I would want to know that the number was blocked and he has no more contact.

If this truly is not typical behavior for him I would try to let it go, work on forgiving. I would probably go with him next time he goes out of town, however.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kampeaches said:


> Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this? I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. I want to put it passed me, help!


There are many books available for helping you two work through this.

"How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda Macdonald might be a good communication tool and is available on Amazon.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Next poster will say he was drunk for 6 days...


Yeah. I sort of stepped in it didn't I?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. I sort of stepped in it didn't I?


It's actually happened to me too... luckily, I did not have a girlfriend at the time, but when you are drunk you do stupid things. I kissed this girl's neck when I was under the influence and it all snow-balled after... I didn't mean to, but it happened...


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

Sfort said:


> He wasn't too drunk to know where to insert the key. Maybe the key wouldn't hold up. Maybe it did. She's okay with his story, so that's all that matters.


Well she did the


AVR1962 said:


> Does your husband have a tendency to go on drunken binges? This was a beat friend who died....was he showing signs of distress before he left for the funeral? Did you speak to him on the phone in those days he was drinking? Is there a reason you didn't go? My ex had to attend a funeral when we were married and was displaying distress. I wanted to be there for him to support him.
> 
> I can tell you these situations can happen. One of my very good girlfriends who has been married for 30 years was drinking with a man that she met at a business meeting. She dearly loves her husband and has been faith all these years. She ended up in a situation with him which she told me about and told me she felt so guilty but she never admitted anything to her husband because she had no feelings for the man and she was afraid it would break trust between them. I became her "therapist"(LOL!) to help her thru the guilt. I also have man friends who are just that and I have heard all kinds of stories about being seduced by very bold women....not that it excuses his actions but there are lots of women who don't care what the man's status is. I would want to know if they exchanged numbers and if so I would want to know that the number was blocked and he has no more contact.
> 
> If this truly is not typical behavior for him I would try to let it go, work on forgiving. I would probably go with him next time he goes out of town, however.


Thank you. I did notice how distressed he was before the funeral. I'm not trying to give him excuses I just think these reasons add up. We, unfortunately, could barely afford the 1 ticket out there let alone 4 (us and our kids). The people at the celebration that know this girl said she does this to everyone and doesn't care what their status is. I talked to him on the phone up until the funeral and then I just felt like he needed to remember his friend with his other friends so I didn't call him. In retrospect yes I should have, but he's never put himself in this position before. They did not exchange numbers he doesn't remember her name she won't be able to find him on Facebook (he has a fake name on his account). He told me he wants nothing to do with her ever again. We did used to get this blackout drunk when we were younger, but once we started trying to have kids it stopped. Also yes we've already talked about if he needs to go out of town again we all go or no one goes.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

AVR1962 said:


> One of my very good girlfriends who has been married for 30 years was drinking with a man that she met at a business meeting.


Ah! Who could blame a woman who has been married for 30 years for drinking with a man she met at a business meeting? How old fashioned to think otherwise!



> She dearly loves her husband and has been faithful all these years.


See the previous quote. 



> She ended up in a situation with him which she told me about and told me she felt so guilty but she never admitted anything to her husband because she had no feelings for the man and she was afraid it would break trust between them.


How could screwing a business man she was drinking with break her husband's trust with her? After all, he was a business man, they were at a meeting, she was drinking, she had no feelings for him. Spreading her legs was just a drunken response. 



> I became her "therapist"(LOL!) to help her thru the guilt.


I hope her guilt is still eating her alive.



> I would want to know if they exchanged numbers and, if so, I would want to know that the number was blocked and he has no more contact. If this truly is not typical behavior for him I would try to let it go, work on forgiving. I would probably go with him next time he goes out of town, however.


What if it's just a business trip?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I would be more apt to forgive, but I'd still be done. I don't want to be with weakness. I'm particularly harsh on weakness as I've been hurt worse by weak people than I have malicious people.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Benbutton said:


> I would be more apt to forgive, but I'd still be done. *I don't want to be with weakness*. I'm particularly harsh on weakness as I've been hurt worse by weak people than I have malicious people.


You don't have any weaknesses?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This guy was drinking with lifelong friends who may not have all gotten together in a very long time, now brought together commiserating the loss of a friend they all grew up with. Typically one is in a very safe environment with friends that will care for each other as each becomes incapacitated. 
The amount of drinking in this situation is not uncommon. 

This is quite different than a business trip.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is one of the rare situations were I believe recovery is possible.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Stop with the excuses for his cheating. There aren’t any.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> It's actually happened to me too... luckily, I did not have a girlfriend at the time, but when you are drunk you do stupid things. I kissed this girl's neck when I was under the influence and it all snow-balled after... I didn't mean to, but it happened...


The important thing is that you weren't married with children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Stop with the excuses for his cheating. There aren’t any.


👏👏👏


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

OP, am I reading this right? Your initial question was “how do I get past this”, not should I divorce or reconcile or who is to blame.

What is it that you want to get past (apart from the obvious). Is it feeling of betrayal, breach of trust, disgust at your husband, anger, feeling of helplessnes, all of the above or something else?

Are you asking posters who have dealt with this type of betrayal to tell you what they did and how they did it?

Time for betrayed spouses to take charge of this thread?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Harold Demure said:


> OP, am I reading this right? Your initial question was “how do I get past this”, not should I divorce or reconcile or who is to blame.
> 
> What is it that you want to get past (apart from the obvious). Is it feeling of betrayal, breach of trust, disgust at your husband, anger, feeling of helplessnes, all of the above or something else?
> 
> ...


That actually is what she is asking as she is working through this and doesn't want to divorce.

I'm in the corner of this being a good situation for reconciliation which is almost non existent on this site for me.

I am usually, at best, a neutral voice only concerned about the health of those involved and I'm often against reconciliation because it isn't a healthy option.

This one is a no brainer.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I had a close high school friend pass away a little over a year ago (right before the pandemic hit). None of us had been close with him for years because unfortunately, he’d developed a drug issue, which led to psychosis and he was incredibly unstable. (not dangerous, just unstable). The majority of us had still seen him over the years around town and would talk to him, but the friendship wasn’t the same.


There was a group of about 30 of us in high school that were always together. So when he passed, almost every single one of us was at the funeral. We had all planned to go out after the funeral and have a few drinks and catch up in celebration of his life (back in the day, when he was “normal” that’s what he would have wanted).


The funeral was incredibly emotional. It wasn’t a standard funeral. We had all sent in some photos from high school and after and they played them on a slide show. People got up and talked about him. The funeral went on for 2 hours.


By the time we made it to the bar afterwards, every single one of us was an emotional mess. Almost all 30 of us went to the bar, along with our spouses. We closed the place down. It was hours of stories of him, stories of high school, laughs, tears, hugs, talking about who we are now. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a situation where I was so emotionally happy to see all of these people, while simultaneously sad over his passing and past years. I think we ALL felt like that, which contributed to the drinking. We were drinking our pain away while also celebrating all of the good times we had.

I’m not saying that makes it ok to cheat. By any means. Just shedding maybe a little light on why the drinking was so heavy. The emotional head space that can come from the loss of a dear friend, even if that friendship was many years in the past. My husband was not with me that night, because he’d had a pre-planned golf trip out of state with the guys. But I clearly remember texting him several times that night how surreal and hard the situation was. Again, not excusing the cheating. We all make choices. Maybe just giving some input on the excessive drinking that week.

As far as what you do? It’s up to YOU. He came clean. Most don’t. He came clean knowing that he could lose you in the process. That says something. But it is a long, hard road. You won’t forget. You can “get past it”, but it will always be there. Whether you think you can deal with it or not is only something you can answer.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> You don't have any weaknesses?


Oh I do, just not like that. I should have been more specific.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Conan, I wondered when I read your posts whether your account had been hacked 🤣.

Quite agree with what you said, just how does she do it? Think only a betrayed spouse can really answer that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Rugsweeping = repeated behavior.


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

Harold Demure said:


> OP, am I reading this right? Your initial question was “how do I get past this”, not should I divorce or reconcile or who is to blame.
> 
> What is it that you want to get past (apart from the obvious). Is it feeling of betrayal, breach of trust, disgust at your husband, anger, feeling of helplessnes, all of the above or something else?
> 
> ...


Yes that is exactly what I'm asking. I love him and I know he loves me and we want to get through this. He's getting his help I need to get mine. Where do I start? What do I do? Do I stop asking questions? He is literally so honest with me all the time I don't know if I want to ask questions and hear the truth or if I just move on with information I know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Rugsweeping = repeated behavior.


Sure does. Glad that isn't happening here.😉


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some want every detail. Some don’t. I didn’t because I knew I would never get rid of the mind movies. You’ll have to decide if you do or don’t but remember you can’t unhear them if you do.


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> That actually is what she is asking as she is working through this and doesn't want to divorce.
> 
> I'm in the corner of this being a good situation for reconciliation which is almost non existent on this site for me.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your help. He is a very honest man and I know we both still love each other. He is having trouble with this whole thing and is being completely honest and remorseful. He has yet to lie about any of it. He could have not told me any of it at all, but he couldn't even leave the state without calling me and telling me how he messed up. So I know this is possible, I know it's a long road, but where do you start?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

kampeaches said:


> Yes that is exactly what I'm asking.


My apologies. My responses are not answers to the questions you're asking. Yet.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kampeaches said:


> Yes that is exactly what I'm asking. I love him and I know he loves me and we want to get through this. He's getting his help I need to get mine. Where do I start? What do I do? Do I stop asking questions? He is literally so honest with me all the time I don't know if I want to ask questions and hear the truth or if I just move on with information I know.


You should set time aside once or twice a week. When questions or feelings come up in you, take a little time to write them down and save for one of your talk times.

Your husband should do the same because I'm positive he is dealing with a lot of self recriminations and negative feelings himself.

You both need a way to process this in a positive way and setting aside some time for yourselves to discuss questions and feelings is very important.

You shouldn't feel it's inappropriate to have questions. Even the same question that occurs often.

You should be patient with yourself and I can already tell you both love and are kind to each other.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kampeaches said:


> Thank you for your help. He is a very honest man and I know we both still love each other. He is having trouble with this whole thing and is being completely honest and remorseful. He has yet to lie about any of it. He could have not told me any of it at all, but he couldn't even leave the state without calling me and telling me how he messed up. So I know this is possible, I know it's a long road, but where do you start?


I could compile list of books with fairly good feedback about coping with infidelity?

I've described a couple of exercises that might be able to help you both work through feelings and questions.

If you want a list of easily obtainable books, let me know and I will list a few.


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## kampeaches (May 3, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> I could compile list of books with fairly good feedback about coping with infidelity?
> 
> I've described a couple of exercises that might be able to help you both work through feelings and questions.
> 
> If you want a list of easily obtainable books, let me know and I will list a few.


Thank you. I would really appreciate it. We are already setting about an hour a day to talk and get feelings out it is helping but I don't want to ask wrong questions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have a think about what boundaries you would like him to have going forward. 
Such as no drinking. No being alone with any other women. 
Making sure he knows that if it ever happens again it's over. 
As for questions ask him everything you want to know. Many who cheat do leave things out though. 
If it makes you feel better ask him for a lie detector test.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The thing is, lots of people get drunk, but like I said, he didn't have amnesia. _He knew who he was_. He even remembers the incident. Why did it feel okay, even while drunk, to be in a sexual situation with another woman?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Livvie said:


> The thing is, lots of people get drunk, but like I said, he didn't have amnesia. _He knew who he was_. He even remembers the incident. Why did it feel okay, even while drunk, to be in a sexual situation with another woman?


She's a peace with his explanation. Who are we to question her decision?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

kampeaches said:


> Thank you. I would really appreciate it. We are already setting about an hour a day to talk and get feelings out it is helping but I don't want to ask wrong questions.


There are no wrong questions, that's how you'll know how much remorse he truly has.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> She's a peace with his explanation. Who are we to question her decision?


Well it's a public forum, so I can post my thoughts in response to OP's situation and what to consider in moving forward. It's not a thread jack, so please, who are YOU to question my thoughts to OP?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kampeaches said:


> Thank you. I would really appreciate it. We are already setting about an hour a day to talk and get feelings out it is helping but I don't want to ask wrong questions.


An understanding should be established that you aren't asking wrong questions. You aren't trying to cause more damage. You are trying to work through your understandably negative emotions.

With this understanding between you, your questions should be allowed regardless of what they are.

How else are you supposed to work through your emotions?

I believe he will understand that it will be necessarily painful for both of you at times to work through this.

I'll get the list to you later today. Mrs. Conan is under the weather so I'm limited on how much time I can do other things until later this evening.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> The thing is, lots of people get drunk, but like I said, he didn't have amnesia. _He knew who he was_. He even remembers the incident. Why did it feel okay, even while drunk, to be in a sexual situation with another woman?


I can answer that easily. Being that drunk, you don't feel things normally.

I remember parts if my incident but I can honestly say I don't remember nearly as much if I had been sober and I really didn't enjoy myself because I wasn't myself. My inebriation was overwhelming pretty much every other sensation.

He tried to stop it and seems to have succeeded.

If he had better documentation and/or witnesses, he could have a case for sexual assault.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

As far as questions, you have to decide what you want to know. Fair warning, once you know, you can’t UN-know. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t ask if you feel like you need to know, but at the same time, once you have the information, it will always be there.


I made the mistake of not asking enough questions. I did ask a lot of questions, some I got straight answers to, some I got half answers to. (I also talked to the OW for 2 hours so I got answers from her). I had a ton of questions in my head, but I reached a point where I was completely emotionally exhausted and then just shut down and thought to myseflf “that’s enough”. I didn’t WANT to know any more. But now 3 years later, I have questions I’ve never had answers to that I want answers to. But I know if I ask them, it’s just going to reopen the wound and give me something else to think about. There are a couple of questions burned into my brain that I get so close to asking sometimes, but never follow through because I don’t know if I really want to know or not. On the flip side, my husbands OW messaged him through her moms FB account about a month after I found out about the affair and said to him “there are things I didn’t tell her that I could have”. I confronted him about it, but he swears I know everything. I know that I don’t. And that question eats at me. “What don’t I know?” On the flip side, I so wish I just never would’ve found out anything, he stopped on his own and just worked on a better relationship and took it to his grave. If I didn’t know, it wouldn’t hurt. But since I know SOME, it burns that I need to know ALL.


That’s a decision only you can make. Are you satisfied with what you know? Or do you have more questions? If you have more and he’s being honest – ASK THEM. And do it quickly. Waiting to ask the questions prolongs your hurt. I know it’s a lot to process. And it seems like it would be easier to find out a little at a time. It’s not. Because once you know something, you start to process it and feel a tiny bit better. You wait a week and ask something else and trust me, it takes you right back into the thick of the pain. If you want to know everything – ask now. Get it out in the open, rip the band-aid off and process it all in as much of one fell swoop as you can. Or trust me, you’re just prolonging your pain.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi kampeaches, I am sorry you are here today and hurting. As a fellow BS, I can tell you, you may never trust your husband 100% again, no matter how good a man you think he is now.

My circumstances were different though, so take my experience with a grain of salt. My first experience with being a BS (I had 3 with the same man b/c I was too damned forgiving, I really loved him and thought he loved me) was not as dramatic as yours.

I understand why you aren't considering divorce (2 children, and presumably your financial circumstances). Granted his infidelity happened when he was extremely vulnerable, but he still chose to get that drunk and go off alone with the woman.

Before all the drinkers (past/present) jump down my throat about my definite LACK of experience being blackout drunk
and not "understanding", consider why he was in the sole company of a "known homewrecker" in the first place, much less while in a drunken, emotionally vulnerable state. Where was everyone else?

Ok, so points for honesty, yucking up the details without prompting. My exH was supposedly an honest, upstanding "good" man who loved me. We were together for nearly 20 years, married just shy of 13. I loved him so much I was willing to forgive him the first 2 times b/c it was an EA. The 2nd time, he wanted to be "honest" and tell me before it became anything and wanted to do any and everything for me to stay. I regret wasting 10 years of my life on him, but we had no children to consider and admittedly, that was not the only rotten aspect of our marriage.

You are the one who has to live with the pain, constant distrust, reminders of his infidelity and resurgences at the most inopportune times. I think it was a good 5 years before I stopped panicking every time I heard him speaking about another woman too positively. I never trusted him after his first slip and although I was shocked, I wasn't at the same time that final betrayal.



kampeaches said:


> Yes that is exactly what I'm asking. I love him and I know he loves me and we want to get through this. He's getting his help I need to get mine. Where do I start? What do I do? Do I stop asking questions? He is literally so honest with me all the time I don't know if I want to ask questions and hear the truth or if I just move on with information I know.





kampeaches said:


> Thank you for your help. He is a very honest man and I know we both still love each other. He is having trouble with this whole thing and is being completely honest and remorseful. He has yet to lie about any of it. He could have not told me any of it at all, but he couldn't even leave the state without calling me and telling me how he messed up. So I know this is possible, I know it's a long road, but where do you start?


My advice to you would be to really watch his actions. Don't be overly eager to forgive him, or do ANY of the heavy lifting to repair your marriage. I made the mistake of being the fixer, and outlining what had to be done. Eventually, he stopped thinking he had to do anything.

If he truly loves you and is remorseful, he will go to IC, deal with his pain and learn to cope with emotional trauma in a healthier, positive manner. He will be patient with you when you are hurting, he won't be exasperated when you are triggered, even years down the line. 

Definitely go for IC also to get help dealing with your pain, and start educating yourself on what is acceptable/not in a marriage. I took on too much of the responsibility for my exH's behavior and I regret that. 

While I sympathize with him over the pain of his BF's loss, he still put himself in the position to be compromised by the series of choices he made over those days. Not just the drinking, but the company he kept while in a heavily inebriated, vulnerable state.

I would be less judgemental of him if he were a single, childless man. Alcohol tends to bring out deeply controlled desires when people are uninhibited. I am so sorry you have to deal with this, I do not wish the pain of betrayal on my worst enemy. For me, reconciliation was more painful and harder to live with, than divorce, but I understand why you have to try, regardless of who you think he is. Good luck to you.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I am so glad that you are rebuilding your marriage. Your marriage is definitely worth saving if he has been such a great man to you and your kids. 

We are all human and when life throws us curve balls, we are wimps and cope very very poorly. He now has learned the hard way that drinking is not a good route to cope with grief. This will help both of you grow and absolutely affair proof your marriage for the next curve balls life is sure to throw your way. BOUNDARIES must be implemented. You probably didn't really need them in the past as trust was not broken, but it is very different now. 

You know that sadly your husband doesn't cope well when a curve ball comes his way. The boundary of him not going anywhere unless you all go is a very good one. The drinking to self medicate is another boundary that must be implemented. 

There will be more deaths coming up. That along with illness, loss of material things, natural disasters that may leave you in a financial bind etc. I hope none of those things happen, but **** does happen. 

He is weak. He has poor boundaries. That all needs to change with time, knowledge, love and patience. He has a great partner to help him through all that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> Hi kampeaches, I am sorry you are here today and hurting. As a fellow BS, I can tell you, you may never trust your husband 100% again, no matter how good a man you think he is now.
> 
> My circumstances were different though, so take my experience with a grain of salt. My first experience with being a BS (I had 3 with the same man b/c I was too damned forgiving, I really loved him and thought he loved me) was not as dramatic as yours.
> 
> ...


I like a lot of this but getting hammered doesn't always bring out controlled desires.

One woman who took advantage of me outweighed me by at least a hundred pounds and the other was a coworker I was never attracted to before or after.

Maybe OP's husband was giving in to controlled desires when drunk but it doesn't really sound like it from the information available and I can guarantee I had no desire to be with the women who did what they wanted when I was out of it.

I'm in full agreement about who you allow to be around you when you're vulnerable and I was actually wondering about his friends as well.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

kampeaches said:


> Yes that is exactly what I'm asking. I love him and I know he loves me and we want to get through this. He's getting his help I need to get mine. Where do I start? What do I do? Do I stop asking questions? He is literally so honest with me all the time I don't know if I want to ask questions and hear the truth or if I just move on with information I know.



I think your situation is the best (if there is one) possible infidelity situation there is for reconciliation. It will still be very hard for you so I’m sorry that you are going through this.

I think you need to turn all that compassion, grace and understanding you are giving him back toward yourself. Stop questioning your needs and what you need to feel safe. If it makes you feel better to know more details, ask. If it makes you feel safe if he wrap himself in plastic wrap at night and do the hula while singing Diana Ross, well he owes it to you so tell him. It doesn’t matter what your needs are it’s his job to do what he needs to make you feel safe.

Get yourself into counseling, and let yourself have all the feelings you need to have. Allow yourself to take space from him when you need it and don’t apologize for it. You seem like you’re trying to be the strong fixer, who sees your husband as a separate entity from the one who did this. I think you can reconcile successfully, but you have to make peace with the fact it wasn’t some alternate person... your husband did this. It doesn’t matter if it was out of character or “not like him”, It WAS him. Accept that so that you can make peace with it. If you go around believing it was not the “real” him you’re never going to be able to accept and deal with the betrayal, and the betrayal is what hurts the most. This will surface and bite you for the long term of you use a rugsweeping viewpoint like “it wasn’t the REAL him”. All of our crappy pieces make up the real us, he happens to be immoral when he is drunk and grieving. Good to know.

On a side note, what kind of crappy friends let their piss faced, married with kids buddy go wandering off with the town rapist? I’d make sure never to have those people in my family’s life again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

No matter what questions you ask...there will always be more that pop into your head. Do not let your H put a deadline on your questions or your pain.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. thank you mods.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Is this thread killing flies with sledge hammers? OP is here asking for help, but what's left to say? He was drunk, he was mourning the loss of his friend, he was a way from home, his friends were there with him, the woman seduced him while he was inebriated, he quickly admitted to betraying his wife, and he'll possibly never do it again. What's left except for her to accept it and move on? (Not sarcasm)


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I like a lot of this but getting hammered doesn't always bring out controlled desires.
> 
> One woman who took advantage of me outweighed me by at least a hundred pounds and the other was a coworker I was never attracted to before or after.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you had that experience, but I can only comment based on what kampeaches said and my own experience. 

Maybe I made it sound more salacious than intended, with the tern "uncontrolled desires". Those aren't necessarily sexual, it can be as simple as feeling trapped by the responsibilities of life i.e. being a husband and father, and maybe sole earner/breadwinner, etc.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

kampeaches said:


> Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. *His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more*. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. *We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this?* I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. *I want to put it passed me, help!*


OK, here goes...

1. Make sure he follows up on counseling and substance abuse2. You need IC to work on your grief. His betrayal, regardless of the circumstances, has left you in a gamma of emotions and these emotions need professional help to get sorted through in order to save your relationship.3. Be patient with yourself. You need time to process everything that has transpired. You are fixing your relationship. Make it worth while by being patient with yourself like you are understanding of your husband's shortcomings right now. You need as much counseling as he does. Don't neglect yourself!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Is this thread killing flies with sledge hammers? OP is here asking for help, but what's left to say? He was drunk, he was mourning the loss of his friend, he was a way from home, his friends were there with him, the woman seduced him while he was inebriated, he quickly admitted to betraying his wife, and he'll possibly never do it again. What's left except for her to accept it and move on? (Not sarcasm)


She doesn't have to accept it and move on. She _could_ decide to end the relationship, if she wanted to.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> I'm sorry you had that experience, but I can only comment based on what kampeaches said and my own experience.


Yeah. There is nothing quite like waking up the next day and loathing yourself for what you realize happened the night before.

The big girl happened when I was at a party with my friends but they were out of it as well and I had a reputation so they probably didn't give me a second thought.

Nothing quite like not being able to move because you are numb and having someone, you do NOT want, taking her time with you.😵

I hadn't had any more than passing conversations with the coworker. My then girlfriend/now wife broke up with me and I was distraught so I brilliantly went out and got hammered. I went where a lot of coworkers hung out and one made sure I got home but the problem is it wasn't my home...

One of the worst moments of my life was the cold feeling in my core when I woke up the next day and realized what happened.

It doesn't sound like OP's husband really wanted it from what I can glean and I know from experience that men can be taken without being able to give consent.

I did learn to never become vulnerable in certain situations again.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I think the specific help she is asking for is "how do I get over it?" She wants to stay with her H.

The only thing that's going to help you is 1) time and 2) your H's actions.

Nothing we say here can affect either of those things. We can only encourage you to make sure you get what you need from your H to satisfy #2 above.

It typically takes 2-5 years to "get over" infidelity. In your case, it might be shorter than that due to the nature of the beast. He didn't love this woman, wasn't in his normal state of mind. But you can't waive a wand and get over it. It's a slow, gradual process only you can feel for yourself.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. There is nothing quite like waking up the next day and loathing yourself for what you realize happened the night before.
> 
> The big girl happened when I was at a party with my friends but they were out of it as well and I had a reputation so they probably didn't give me a second thought.
> 
> ...


This is rape Conan. I’m sorry this happened to you. Many men have been arrested and prosecuted for doing this to women, it’s unfortunate women are not held to the same standards.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> This is rape Conan. I’m sorry this happened to you. Many men have been arrested and prosecuted for doing this to women, it’s unfortunate women are not held to the same standards.


Yup. I'm just sharing data that can show men can get drunk and not be all that consenting to what happens especially with a determined and sober woman.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I did learn to never become vulnerable in certain situations again.


I agree with QR, i's rape. However, this sentence stood out to me. Please don't take this as me dismissing your pain or blaming you.

My point to kampeaches is that her husband needs to choose who he becomes vulnerable with carefully, not just for his personal safety and well-being, but for his marriage and family. 

Many people on this thread have looked at reconciliation favorably b/c of her husband's "honesty" and the circumstances, but I caution OP against being too actively involved in R. She might end up sending the wrong message and rugsweep in her haste to reconcile. Let him work for it. It's too easy to have your good nature, vulnerability and fear be taken for granted if your forgiveness is too freely given.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> I agree with QR, i's rape. However, this sentence stood out to me. Please don't take this as me dismissing your pain or blaming you.
> 
> My point to kampeaches is that her husband needs to choose who he becomes vulnerable with carefully, not just for his personal safety and well-being, but for his marriage and family.
> 
> Many people on this thread have looked at reconciliation favorably b/c of her husband's "honesty" and the circumstances, but I caution OP against being too actively involved in R. She might end up sending the wrong message and rugsweep in her haste to reconcile. Let him work for it. It's too easy to have your good nature, vulnerability and fear be taken for granted if your forgiveness is too freely given.


That's a good point of view.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Yup. I'm just sharing data that can show men can get drunk and not be all that consenting to what happens especially with a determined and sober woman.


Yes, I agree with this.

I don’t think we can know if the WH in this situation was having drunk consensual sex (which most people have done), if OW was actually sober, if it even went down that way... which is why I can’t in my mind give her advice as to him being allegedly raped because cheaters are known to say that kind of **** all the time.

I do not think he should get a pass, I think it should be treated as such that he had choices and options and they proceed with reconciliation by accepting that it was true infidelity and not rape. (I’m not saying you think he is or should get a pass, I’m just expounding)


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

kampeaches said:


> she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex


Since this "sexual assault" was against his will, did he call law enforcement and have her arrested?

Of course not.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> This is rape Conan. I’m sorry this happened to you. Many men have been arrested and prosecuted for doing this to women, it’s unfortunate women are not held to the same standards.


The standards are the same. He should have reported these assaults. In some states, there is no statute of limitations on rape. If he lives in one of those states, he can still report them. Of course hel'll probably get high fives from the law enforcement officers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Since this "sexual assault" was against his will, did he call law enforcement and have her arrested?
> 
> Of course not.


Neither did I. It is underreported anyway and men almost never report it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Sfort said:


> The standards are the same. He should have reported these assaults. In some states, there is no statute of limitations on rape. If he lives in one of those states, he can still report them. Of course hel'll probably get high fives from the law enforcement officers.


I don’t think it’s taken as seriously when it happens to men. Even by the man it happened to. Same thing when teenage boys are groomed and raped by their female teachers and the difference with male teachers.

Im sorry for the T/j, but yes, if he felt sexually assaulted he should have reported it. But I can see why he wouldn’t, because no man I know of would. And I’m sure the legal process would be a nightmare.

I’m not certain OPs H was raped. I won’t even try to untangle that mess because cheaters do lie and say that stuff! Conan from his account definitely was.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Kampeaches, first, I just want to say I'm really sorry you are having to go through this. Please don't feel like you need to make any decisions about what to do right away. It'll take time to sort everything out. Right now you probably wish this were all just a bad dream, something you never thought would be your reality, and you just want it to stop. The books already mentioned may be helpful. Forgive me, mods, if I'm not supposed to mention another site, but Surviving Infidelity can be a good one. (Some find it isn't for them, and others find it a lifesaver. It has a list of resources to start with.) 

I would advise not making decisions based on any one feeling but also not minimizing any of this. Take care of yourself, one day at a time, emotionally and physically. You will sort through it all one piece at a time.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sfort said:


> It was someone with whom I had an LTR. Once she sobered up, it happened again (the next day), and he was fully capable of keeping it up.


This isn’t the case here. Apples to oranges.

OP’s husband didn’t proceed in the same way.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> I don’t think it’s taken as seriously when it happens to men. Even by the man it happened to. Same thing when teenage boys are groomed and raped by their female teachers and the difference with male teachers.
> 
> Im sorry for the T/j, but yes, if he felt sexually assaulted he should have reported it. But I can see why he wouldn’t, because no man I know of would. And I’m sure the legal process would be a nightmare.
> 
> I’m not certain OPs H was raped. I won’t even try to untangle that mess because cheaters do lie and say that stuff! Conan from his account definitely was.


If has been for the few that have tried.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

JustTheWife said:


> I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.
> 
> *This is in no way an excuse* but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.


It is in no way an excuse but it happens and if lots of alcohol was involved then the normal social inhibitions and boundaries are missing


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lots of comments are based on theory here, without having been in the situation. Conan has, I have and I can tell you, you don't do it on purpose, it's the alcohol. It's not you. Of course I'm happy it hasn't happened to you. It's not pleasant.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Most of us face losses in life, loosing a good friend at some point in our lives is probably pretty common among the population.
> While it's positive that he has told his wife, I don't see how making excuses for his behaviour helps. What will he do if someone else in his life dies? Or he faces another loss? Get drunk again? Find another lady?
> 
> I hope for the children's sakes that they can make it work but there are no excuses for cheating that can justify something so very serious.


hopefully this will be a wake-up call that he cannot drink so excessively and needs to maintain boundaries to protect his marriage. No-one is making excuses for him. Hopefully it will make him realize what he almost lost.
How do you get past it?
1. Talk about it with him, make sure he is completely open and transparent, no rug sweeping
2. He must be the one to lead the recovery
3. Read literature suggested earlier (many books on Getting past the affair/the cheating, etc).
4. Get IC if you think it will help you to talk about it without judgement
5. Talk/confide in a close/trustworthy friend (someone who will not judge and be there for you)
6. seriously time is the best healer. take one day at a time. Do not be in a rush to forgive. be sure your WH is doing the work you need him to do to restore your trust. Let him know he has broken your trust, broken the marriage vows and it is up to him to work to restore the trust.
Take your time in dealing with the pain, hurt and emotions around this. Do not rug sweep as it will come back to bite you later.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I think a lot of people are underestimating the power of alcohol or haven't been drunk properly... give the guy a break and a chance. *And yes, before anybody mentions it, I'm a doormat...*


LOL


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.


I don't think it's so uncommon. I'm not trying to argue with your opinion that it's disrespectful but I think it's worth recognizing that people can deal with pain in destructive ways that create problems like this. Not everyone's reaction to tragic death is praying for the departed or going to church. Some people do self destructive things like drinking to dangerous levels, taking risks, doing violent things, destroying property, doing drugs, and yes, seeking intimacy from the wrong people. Disrespectful to the dead or not, these types of things regularly happen.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I doubt it's common but if it is then that's so disrespectful for the one who died and their family.


Let's just say it can be disrespectful, but in many, typical similar situations with one's original elementary school friends, now to grown and old friends ' status; it would be disrespectful to not have a celebration of life get together and extraordinary party in honor of that now lost friend who's passed.

That friend would want his closest in this world's friends to drink and party like they all did, growing up while learning their way in the world, celebrating all the firsts they and only they shared together and swapping stories only they're privy to.

Very common.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> He choose to drink for 3 days probably knowing that it was bad idea. Being drunk is never as excuse to act badly and shatter other people's lives.


People do stupid things like getting drunk. The problem is once you are so drunk you have no control over your body, not even over your mouth to say hi or no. Your mind goes on and off, it's a very weird state of mind.

Have you ever been so drunk you feel you have no control over your body?

Because it's real, you can behave badly while drunk and regret your actions the next day.

Not an excuse but this is what happens and why people do crazy **** while drunk.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

See my post a couple above.

I can say, in the tragic too young deaths of such as described close friends of mine, every funeral was not just the funeral but extraordinary celebration of life pot luck bbqs and days long get togethers at one of our friends homes, with large numbers of speakers, friends, telling old stories of how much the friend meant to each, and how he/she impacted our lives, and growth into adults.

The appreciation of knowing that friend and extended family was expressed, much love shared.

And yes, the drink and food flowed like water for days.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> He choose to drink for 3 days probably knowing that it was bad idea. Being drunk is never as excuse to act badly and shatter other people's lives.


when he is drunk, how does he act?
does he go crazy, do stupid things, and not remember him doing them?
Or does he just become a party animal, and acts fun and horny?

what i am trying to ask is: was he incapable of making a rational decision about cheating with some woman who turned him on, OR was he fairly rational even though he was drunk?

it would make a difference to me, if he CHOSE to cheat, and was blackout drunk and incapable of thinking anything thru


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I don't think it's so uncommon. I'm not trying to argue with your opinion that it's disrespectful but I think it's worth recognizing that people can deal with pain in destructive ways that create problems like this. Not everyone's reaction to tragic death is praying for the departed or going to church. Some people do self destructive things like drinking to dangerous levels, taking risks, doing violent things, destroying property, doing drugs, and yes, seeking intimacy from the wrong people. Disrespectful to the dead or not, these types of things regularly happen.


It may happen but it's no excuse to cheat on your spouse. It's a decision to get drunk do drugs or whatever, and we all know that people act terribly when they drink. It's just not worth the risk.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> when he is drunk, how does he act?
> does he go crazy, do stupid things, and not remember him doing them?
> Or does he just become a party animal, and acts fun and horny?
> 
> ...


He remembered what happened quite clearly so clearly wasn't totally blotto.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> People do stupid things like getting drunk. The problem is once you are so drunk you have no control over your body, not even over your mouth to say hi or no. Your mind goes on and off, it's a very weird state of mind.
> 
> Have you ever been so drunk you feel you have no control over your body?
> 
> ...


Yeh that's why many people don't drink. Because they don't want to act like total idiots.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> I don't think it's so uncommon. I'm not trying to argue with your opinion that it's disrespectful but I think it's worth recognizing that people can deal with pain in destructive ways that create problems like this. Not everyone's reaction to tragic death is praying for the departed or going to church. Some people do self destructive things like drinking to dangerous levels, taking risks, doing violent things, destroying property, doing drugs, and yes, seeking intimacy from the wrong people. Disrespectful to the dead or not, these types of things regularly happen.


I think funerals there must be very different from here in the UK. I have been to a fair few funerals and no one got drunk. People acted respectfully and talked and remembered and had a lunch or whatever and then went home.
Many didn't even have alcohol from what I remember. It's not like a wedding or party. It's about remembering the one who died and supporting the family.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

JustTheWife said:


> I think this is pretty common. There's obviously a lot of emotion when someone dies like that. A shared sense of sorrow can often bring people together like this. Your own husband or wife may not have had a strong bond to the departed (seems to be the case here) so there could be powerful feelings when two people are going through the same sorrow and others in their life can't really understand.
> 
> *This is in no way an excuse* but I don't think it's constructive to just label it as "sick". I doubt that it was a matter of him eyeing up someone at a funeral and looking for a good time or using the funeral to get laid. Just like he wasn't drinking to "party" or have a good time during this either.


I totally agree and the quote was typical judge mental stuff.
Telling one’s spouse right after is not the sign of a typical cheater who normally hide everything from their spouse.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Lots of comments are based on theory here, without having been in the situation. Conan has, I have and I can tell you, you don't do it on purpose, it's the alcohol. It's not you. Of course I'm happy it hasn't happened to you. It's not pleasant.


I understand this viewpoint and agree to an extent, but we have to also draw a line somewhere, being drunk doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for your actions, which is why drunk driving is prosecuted. 

OP is reconciling, so she is giving him a break and a chance and I think she’s gotten some good advice on how to move forward without trying to “forgive and forget” and that it would be wise to treat this as true infidelity not “I didn’t know what I was doing I was too drunk”. I don’t know any BS can make peace with that excuse. I still think Conan's situation is different. Maybe because I trust his perspective more and that makes me biased.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Yeh that's why many people don't drink. Because they don't want to act like total idiots.


My question was have you ever been so drunk you couldn't move?

I have, and I remember most of the night. I remember not being able to move. So the guy remembered but that doesn't mean he could do much because he was so drunk. 

You can be drunk thinking "I'm not too drunk I can keep on drinking" but when the alcohol gets in your system you are done.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I think funerals there must be very different from here in the UK. I have been to a fair few funerals and no one got drunk. People acted respectfully and talked and remembered and had a lunch or whatever and then went home.
> Many didn't even have alcohol from what I remember. It's not like a wedding or party. It's about remembering the one who died and supporting the family.


Of course they are different! You live in a different continent!

Going for a funeral doesn't mean you stay and drink at the funeral (not that much.) Op hasn't said where he got so drunk, it could have been at a bar, at a house, that's not clear yet.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> It may happen but it's no excuse to cheat on your spouse. It's a decision to get drunk do drugs or whatever, and we all know that people act terribly when they drink. It's just not worth the risk.


In the US, the law says that if you choose to drink (a sober decision) then you choose the consequences of your actions that happen while you're drinking. That's why we put drunk drivers in jail. Just think of a drunk driver killing someone in your family, and the drunk driver uses the excuse, "I was so intoxicated that I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally helpless to avoid driving head on into your family member. I didn't steer the car into the other lane. It did it by itself. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again." It's really sad that some people here, based on the responses we've seen to OP's husband's situation, may find this excuse acceptable. I don't. If OP accepts it, she'll have to deal with it again down the road. It's her choice, though. He was able to dip his wick into her well and remember it, so he wasn't paralyzed by alcohol.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> My question was have you ever been so drunk you couldn't move?
> 
> I have, and I remember most of the night. I remember not being able to move. So the guy remembered but that doesn't mean he could do much because he was so drunk.
> 
> You can be drunk thinking "I'm not too drunk I can keep on drinking" but when the alcohol gets in your system you are done.


He remembers what happened and seemed to be taking part as much as he was able. He went home with her so he clearly could move more than effectively. 
Honestly anyone would think that someone poured the drink down his throat while he was tied up. It was his decision to drink more even when this lady started showing an interest. It was his decision to go home with her from a funeral to have sex.
No excuses are good enough.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sfort said:


> In the US, the law says that if you choose to drink (a sober decision) then you choose the consequences of your actions that happen while you're drinking. That's why we put drunk drivers in jail. Just think of a drunk driver killing someone in your family, and the drunk driver uses the excuse, "I was so intoxicated that I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally helpless to avoid driving head on into your family member. I didn't steer the car into the other lane. It did it by itself. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again."


It can also be completely true. 



> It's really sad that some people here, based on the responses we've seen to OP's husband's situation, may find this excuse acceptable. I don't. If OP accepts it, she'll have to deal with it again down the road. It's her choice, though. He was able to dip his wick into her well and remember it, so he wasn't paralyzed by alcohol.


Accepting it is a completely separate question. 

Before I was married, I got blackout drunk one night. I "came too" in the middle of a sexual encounter with someone that sober I would not have touched with a 10 foot pole - I know this, because I worked with her for a year or two with no interest on my part. When I say "came too", I mean it exactly like that - it was like a light switch flipping on. I have absolutely no recollection of how I got there. In today's climate, were I a woman, it would probably qualify for another word. 

Having learned that lesson, I think that's the last time I got that hammered. I suppose my point is that it had to happen to me once before I knew this about myself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> In the US, the law says that if you choose to drink (a sober decision) then you choose the consequences of your actions that happen while you're drinking. That's why we put drunk drivers in jail. Just think of a drunk driver killing someone in your family, and the drunk driver uses the excuse, "I was so intoxicated that I didn't know what I was doing. I was totally helpless to avoid driving head on into your family member. I didn't steer the car into the other lane. It did it by itself. I'm sorry, and I'll never do it again." It's really sad that some people here, based on the responses we've seen to OP's husband's situation, may find this excuse acceptable. I don't. If OP accepts it, she'll have to deal with it again down the road. It's her choice, though. He was able to dip his wick into her well and remember it, so he wasn't paralyzed by alcohol.


I find it appalling that people here who normally condemn a person for cheating are excusing him because he drank too much, just because once when they were single they drank too much and had sex with someone. 
This was a married man with children. Not a silly 18 year old. A man who has acted terribly. 
Yes drink driving is a pet hate of mine.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I find it appalling that people here who normally condemn a person for cheating are excusing him because he drank too much, just because once when they were single they drank too much and had sex with someone.
> This was a married man with children. Not a silly 18 year old. A man who has acted terribly.
> Yes drink driving is a pet hate of mine.


I'm with you. There's a disconnect somewhere. In my state, it took a lot of lobbying to get our legislators to take drunk driving seriously. Why? We discovered that most of the legislators abuse alcohol and drive drunk. Maybe a lot of the defenders here have problems with alcohol. I don't. 

When people report their own actions as justification for the excuse, they're not observing their situation as an arm's length matter. They're defending based on their on emotions and biases. That's human nature.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> It can also be completely true.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He didn't wake up with someone he made the decision to leave a funeral to go to a woman's house to have sex. Good that you learnt though.
I got drunk a few times in my teens but once I realized that all it was doing was making me sick and feeling awful the next day I realized how pointless it was.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sfort said:


> I'm with you. There's a disconnect somewhere. In my state, it took a lot of lobbying to get our legislators to take drunk driving seriously. Why? We discovered that most of the legislators abuse alcohol and drive drunk. Maybe a lot of the defenders here have problems with alcohol. I don't.
> 
> When people report their own actions as justification for the excuse, they're not observing their situation as an arm's length matter. They're defending based on their on emotions and biases. That's human nature.


Yep you have hit the nail on the head. We can excuse things if we have done them. As I see it though doing something as an immature silly 17 year old is v different from a mature married man with children.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sfort said:


> When people report their own actions as justification for the excuse, they're not observing their situation as an arm's length matter. They're defending based on their on emotions and biases. That's human nature.


And conversely, in my experience, those who are the most strident in declaring everyone else flawed often have the most skeletons in their closet.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Cletus said:


> And conversely, in my experience, those who are the most strident in declaring everyone else flawed often have the most skeletons in their closet.


As you try to declare everyone else except you as flawed. LOL


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Sfort said:


> As you try to declare everyone else except you as flawed. LOL


Are you ****ing joking? You couldn't be further from the truth. I am as or more flawed than most - plus I have the added benefit of a lot of years of hindsight to temper my rage at the failings of others.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Cletus said:


> It can also be completely true.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, yet another rape of a **** faced man. I’ve learned a great deal from this thread and I have a lot to teach my son.

I am honestly disgusted with the world right now. What is going on with all these female rapists?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> He remembers what happened and seemed to be taking part as much as he was able. He went home with her so he clearly could move more than effectively.
> Honestly anyone would think that someone poured the drink down his throat while he was tied up. It was his decision to drink more even when this lady started showing an interest. It was his decision to go home with her from a funeral to have sex.
> No excuses are good enough.


You haven't answered my question.

I guess you haven't. How can you be so sure he was taking part or able to? Were you there with the cheater?

I'm not excusing his behavior, only he knows why he drank so much. And obviously he has to face the consequences of his actions. I never said he didn't have to! WTF??

But you are assuming a lot without knowing what it feels like to be wasted by alcohol. It's almost like you are paralyzed. Of course the guy should have known when to stop drinking, of course he shouldn't have done it. It's kinda of creepy to know the girl dragged him to take advantage of his drunken state. 

Hopefully he has learned his lesson about drinking. 

I don't think I can be so forgiving in the wife's shoes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> Well, yet another rape of a **** faced man. I’ve learned a great deal from this thread and I have a lot to teach my son.
> 
> I am honestly disgusted with the world right now.


Yes, indeed. People are amazing (and not in a good way). Imagine if the female got pregnant (maybe even deliberately).


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Yes, indeed. People are amazing (and not in a good way). Imagine if the female got pregnant (maybe even deliberately).


The way things are going with @Cici1990 and @VintageRetro, that may be next.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

kampeaches,
How have you been doing? Your thread's going wild, but I hope you are holding up alright. Please come back to update when you get a handle on things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cletus said:


> And conversely, in my experience, those who are the most strident in declaring everyone else flawed often have the most skeletons in their closet.


We all have different flaws but I don't call adultery a flaw, I call it a massive betrayal. People have tried to blame all sorts of things on alcohol or other drugs, but we choose to take drugs and we choose to drink. The parallel to drink driving is a good one. They are arrested because they choose to drink and then drive. If they declare that they aren't responsible because they were so drunk they didn't know they were driving I doubt the cops would be too impressed.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> You haven't answered my question.
> 
> I guess you haven't. How can you be so sure he was taking part or able to? Were you there with the cheater?
> 
> ...


He has told her what happened. He was aware enough to know what he and she did together!
Yes I have been very drunk a few times as a silly teenager. 
He is a mature married man with children. He should have known better.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> He has told her what happened. He was aware enough to know what he and she did together!
> Yes I have been very drunk a few times as a silly teenager.
> He is a mature married man with children. He should have known better.


While I can't speak for @Diana7, I would like to offer a narrowing of the topic. Here's what we know. 
1. He got drunk.
2. He went home with a woman not his wife.
3. He got a blow job from the woman. 
4. He tried to screw her but couldn't finish because of alcohol-induced limberitis.
5. He quickly admitted to his wife that he cheated on her.
6. He apparently is remorseful that he is a sleazebag.

What my (and I think @Diana7's) argument is, is being drunk does not get him a free pass. He's a POS for drinking so much that he couldn't keep his **** in his pants. Plus, there's the lingering suspicion that he's not telling the complete truth, but only he and his attempted conquest know for sure.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Sometimes the only reason people confess is because they know they're going to get caught anyways.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> I understand this viewpoint and agree to an extent, but we have to also draw a line somewhere, being drunk doesn’t absolve you of responsibility for your actions, which is why drunk driving is prosecuted.
> 
> OP is reconciling, so she is giving him a break and a chance and I think she’s gotten some good advice on how to move forward without trying to “forgive and forget” and that it would be wise to treat this as true infidelity not “I didn’t know what I was doing I was too drunk”. I don’t know any BS can make peace with that excuse. I still think Conan's situation is different. Maybe because I trust his perspective more and that makes me biased.


I was just going against all the silly arguments that he must have been in control because he remembered some things that happened.

I remember most of one incident, unfortunately, and a couple episodes from the other but it isn't like remembering a sober episode. It is more like being an observer that picks up enough information to know what's going on.

I'm not trying to give the guy a pass on getting trashed around people he apparently can't trust but I only have the OP's info to go on and her husband seems honest and remorseful, having told her as soon as he was able to.

I am done talking to people who keep insisting that he must have not been too bad off if he remembered anything.

There are only thousands of documented accounts (mostly from women) of people who remember enough to know what happened but were definitely not able to give consent.

I'm not claiming you are in the group I'm referring to @QuietRiot

I do think we don't need to keep entertaining the arguments of those who are trying to say he must have known what he was doing all along as the OP isn't asking about it or concerned about that aspect.

Helping her get the tools she needs to heal with her husband is what I am going to try and focus on. I do appreciate your empathy.🙂


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

I also don't understand the sense on this thread that what OP's husband did was some unavoidable accident on his part. As if he couldn't help but drink so much that he had sex with someone who wasn't his wife. If a sober woman took advantage of him when he was too drunk to consent, that was wrong. But this isn't the same as getting t-boned at an intersection or getting breast cancer. He had a responsibility to his wife and kids to maintain control of his behavior--all of it. If he wanted to be able to drink that much, he could have found a way to bring his wife; I'll bet she'd rather face a large credit card bill for plane tickets than this kind of pain. What makes it even worse is that none of this honored his friend. Grief doesn't entitle a person to throw the bomb he just tossed on his marriage and family.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Twodecades said:


> I also don't understand the sense on this thread that what OP's husband did was unavoidable accident on his part.


Be careful. You just got initiated into the small club of people who don't believe that it's okay to get drunk, screw someone not your spouse, apologize for it, and get off the hook, even if he was a rape victim, which he didn't report to law enforcement. 

In fact, now that I think about it, maybe BS should require him to report the rape to law enforcement as a condition of forgiveness. Right.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

There have been some good posts giving advice on how she could move forward but can we get back to the question the OP posed - how does she get past this, not some debate about the validity of being drunk as a reasonable excuse or male rape? These are valuable debates but maybe just not on this thread.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sure. Here's all she needs to know: Just do it.

EDIT TO ADD: Of course he needs to pinky swear to never allow himself to get into the predicament he was in.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I think funerals there must be very different from here in the UK. I have been to a fair few funerals and no one got drunk. People acted respectfully and talked and remembered and had a lunch or whatever and then went home.
> Many didn't even have alcohol from what I remember. It's not like a wedding or party. It's about remembering the one who died and supporting the family.


Choosing to interpret this like US funerals are wild cocktail parties and using that to conclude that the UK is more "respectful" is way off base, inappropriate and inflammatory. Maybe the UK controls it's drinking more than the US? Not sure anyone would fall for that! Quick google and you can easily see violent drunken brawls related to funerals in the UK. 

I'm sure funerals in the UK are pretty similar to those in the US. Generally sober and somber affairs. Nobody is saying that funerals themselves are parties (although i'm sure a few are). I think it's pretty clear in this thread that we're talking about self-destructive and/or irresponsible behavior triggered by a tragic loss (a very bad way to cope i think everyone would agree). Whether it happens on the day of the funeral, right at the funeral, at the wake, in the limo, at the grave in the middle of the night or whatever is not the point. The point is that dealing with tragedy, sorrow and sudden loss can trigger all kinds of things. Not about how people act at the funeral itself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@kampeaches 

Here is a link to a site that has a great book list and resources to help you and your husband get through this.

I hope you can find the tools you need to heal you both.






Best Books for Dealing With an Affair | Beyond Affairs


A comprehensive short list of best books for dealing with an affair, highly recommended by members of BAN - Beyond Affairs Network Affair Recovery Support




beyondaffairs.com


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JustTheWife said:


> Choosing to interpret this like US funerals are wild cocktail parties and using that to conclude that the UK is more "respectful" is way off base, inappropriate and inflammatory. Maybe the UK controls it's drinking more than the US? Not sure anyone would fall for that! Quick google and you can easily see violent drunken brawls related to funerals in the UK.
> 
> I'm sure funerals in the UK are pretty similar to those in the US. Generally sober and somber affairs. Nobody is saying that funerals themselves are parties (although i'm sure a few are). I think it's pretty clear in this thread that we're talking about self-destructive and/or irresponsible behavior triggered by a tragic loss (a very bad way to cope i think everyone would agree). Whether it happens on the day of the funeral, right at the funeral, at the wake, in the limo, at the grave in the middle of the night or whatever is not the point. The point is that dealing with tragedy, sorrow and sudden loss can trigger all kinds of things. Not about how people act at the funeral itself.


Never meant the imply that we are more respectful but that funerals here are generally not like that at the funeral or the wake. Yes we have drinkers here, largely youngsters who go out fri or sat nights and get v drunk, but in general not at funerals or wakes. There will always be exceptions though. 
I am guessing that the husband in this case was already tipsy at the funeral, apparently he had been drinking for a few days so it wasn't as if he just started after the service itself.


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## Newbies (Sep 23, 2018)

kampeaches said:


> Hello all. My husband and I have been together 13.5 years married for 7. His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning. He was at the celebration of life with his other friends and got so drunk he went home with a girl he met there and from what he can remember she gave him a bj and then he remembers kind of having sex, but stopping it. He says he didn't ejaculate and he regrets it cheating. He told me within 5 hours of it happening. We agreed to work on our marriage and he is seeking counseling and substance abuse counseling. I want to get over this but I need help. How do you move passed this? I was so numb when he first told me and slowly I've been feeling sad, angry but I can't stop myself from asking questions he doesn't know the answers too. He is so remorseful, loving to me still, wants to do whatever I want for our marriage. I want to put it passed me, help!


This was his BEST Friends services. He must have had other close friends there, he must know the deceased family.
I know it's not their responsibility to "babysit" but seeing the obvious drunken condition he was in (claimed to be in) why didn't someone else drive him to wherever he was staying? 
Why didn't anyone intervene with the situation that was being witnessed between him and this women. They must have been together and flirty while at the services.
Not one person thought to say "hey man, let me drive you to your hotel" or "let's go grab a coffee".....she had to be the one to drive him back to her place? Hmmm 
He flat out disrespected you and your marriage infront of these people that I'm assuming you know as well. I would ask someone that you trust that might have been there what they might have seen and how bad things actually were. They might tell you the truth.....but in order to heal you need to know what to heal from.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Newbies said:


> This was his BEST Friends services. He must have had other close friends there, he must know the deceased family.
> I know it's not their responsibility to "babysit" but seeing the obvious drunken condition he was in (claimed to be in) why didn't someone else drive him to wherever he was staying?
> Why didn't anyone intervene with the situation that was being witnessed between him and this women. They must have been together and flirty while at the services.
> Not one person thought to say "hey man, let me drive you to your hotel" or "let's go grab a coffee".....she had to be the one to drive him back to her place? Hmmm
> He flat out disrespected you and your marriage infront of these people that I'm assuming you know as well. I would ask someone that you trust that might have been there what they might have seen and how bad things actually were. They might tell you the truth.....but in order to heal you need to know what to heal from.


Excellent questions. However, he was drunk, had blacked out, and was given a blow job and raped by the woman. It wasn't his fault. He's a victim even though he didn't call the cops and have her arrested. 

Don't miss the sarcasm.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

kampeaches said:


> His best friend died 2 weeks ago and my husband became depressed and started drinking more. Well last week was the funeral/celebration of life and my husband had to go out of state to attend. He had a horrible airline experience and basically drank from Monday at the airport until Thursday morning.


Agree that a best friend dying is a rough experience, and airlines can be horrible, but a three day bender seems a stronger reaction than the causes should produce. I suspect there's some kind of additional hidden factor in all of this adding to what happened with him. And note that I have no idea what that factor is, I just suspect it exists.

And unfortunately, the story arc of one half of a couple going to a funeral, and having a complete meltdown / cheating / yada yada yada, is somewhat common. Especially if they've had any kind of prior emotional trauma in their life. It comes as a double whammy of the dead person being gone, AND their partner isn't physically there, so in the moment it comes as a sort of double abandonment. I've seen so many marriage ending critical moments from these scenarios my strong advice is either both go, or both stay home. And in all the cases it was a logistical issue that caused just one person to go to the funeral - money, couldn't get time off, kids needing to be watched, etc etc. It all felt like a forced move to the couple, one of them had to go, and one of them had to stay home. None of it looked like a disaster in the making at the time.

Plus the person that goes alone, ALWAYS says they will be fine to go by themselves... and then at some point absolutely not fine at all kicks in and it all goes sideways.

And please note I'm not assigning blame or giving excuses to anyone here. All I'm saying is I've seen this movie dozens of times now and if it goes bad, that's the way it usually goes.

It's all just rather unfortunate.


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## Whatsmyproblem (May 5, 2021)

Well for starters blaming alcohol for the reason he did that is completely absurd. Have you been drunk? Did you know what you were doing when you were drunk? I believe your answer is yes. So that excuse should not be tolerated at all.
It’s great that he is remorseful and was honest with you, that speaks volumes! 
sounds like you want to work on the marriage and good for you, a lot of partners do stay when their s/o cheats and many do not it all depends on what you can handle.
You can’t focus on the “why”. If you choose to work on your marriage you need to not obsess over it. Don’t set yourself up to be upset. Also, don’t use it as a weapon later, you choose to stay than you’re choosing to forgive. You don’t have to forget or not talk about it (don’t let it consume you) but don’t throw it in his face in the heat of an arguement. Yes he hurt you and you chose to forgive so that wouldn’t be fair. 
time...most important thing it will take a lot of time. And you’ll go through grief and ups and downs and doubts and that’ll go on for a long time. Totally normal. 
lastly, be sure to take care of yourself!! Seek help when you need to talk!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Atholk said:


> Agree that a best friend dying is a rough experience, and airlines can be horrible, but a three day bender seems a stronger reaction than the causes should produce. I suspect there's some kind of additional hidden factor in all of this adding to what happened with him. And note that I have no idea what that factor is, I just suspect it exists.
> 
> And unfortunately, the story arc of one half of a couple going to a funeral, and having a complete meltdown / cheating / yada yada yada, is somewhat common. Especially if they've had any kind of prior emotional trauma in their life. It comes as a double whammy of the dead person being gone, AND their partner isn't physically there, so in the moment it comes as a sort of double abandonment. I've seen so many marriage ending critical moments from these scenarios my strong advice is either both go, or both stay home. And in all the cases it was a logistical issue that caused just one person to go to the funeral - money, couldn't get time off, kids needing to be watched, etc etc. It all felt like a forced move to the couple, one of them had to go, and one of them had to stay home. None of it looked like a disaster in the making at the time.
> 
> ...


Don't you think that is weird that a person can't even go to a funeral without their spouse without acting like a total idiot? It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.
Millions fly on planes every day and they seem to cope without getting drunk, I don't get that part at all. Not as if he was flying to the other side of the world or had a near crash experience.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Who would have thought that a funeral was a great way to end a marriage (except for the subject of the funeral)? And if you're blacked out drunk, you're forgiven. Cool beans.


Diana7 said:


> Don't you think that is weird that a person can't even go to a funeral without their spouse without acting like a total idiot? It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.
> Millions fly on planes every day and they seem to cope without getting drunk, I don't get that part at all. Not as if he was flying to the other side of the world or had a near crash experience.


However, we are asked to believe that he was too drunk to fight off his attacker. In many states, her giving him a blowjob against his will is a "crime against nature." Having him dip his stick in her oil pan against his will is rape in EVERY state. When attacked sexually, the proper reaction is to call law enforcement so that the perpetrator will not attack other "innocent" "victims". The pieces of this puzzle just don't fit together.

If BS is willing to forgive and forget, good for her. That's totally within her rights to do so. Maybe the world will be a better place for spouses who are willing to overlook betrayal by their spouses. However, excusing his actions because he was very drunk (maybe) will probably come back to haunt her. If it does, she can deal with it then. TAM will be here to help if it does. BS came here for advice, and even though this is not what she wanted to hear, it's what she at least needs to consider.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Yeh that's why many people don't drink. Because they don't want to act like total idiots.


i joined a fraternity, back in the day. it was at a BIGTIME drinking school, and this fraternity was one of the bigger drinking frats!
we actively felt out the pledges as we recruited them. there are really two types of drunks:
1) those that get more fun and love to party and you love to party with them
and
2) those that get mean, cause fights, say stupid ****, and make horrific decisions.

We sought out the 1)s, and tried hard to weed out the 2)s.

my point? that are people who can be "good drunks".
If you are a "bad drunk", or are married to a "bad drunk", life is not going to go too well. perhaps you really do need to cut out ALL drinking!

I am not sure i can comment on if people are responsible or not for making poor decisions when drunk. they certainly DO become a different person. And i am sure they feel remorse when they sober up. but it IS them deciding to go out drinking that starts the ball rolling....so they can not be totally absolved of the guilt.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> Don't you think that is weird that a person can't even go to a funeral without their spouse without acting like a total idiot? It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values.
> Millions fly on planes every day and they seem to cope without getting drunk, I don't get that part at all. Not as if he was flying to the other side of the world or had a near crash experience.


I agree that it looks "weird", but I'm confident there's a hidden factor motivating all of this that would make his "weird" behavior seem far more predictable. 

The basic rule is that behaviors all have motivations, and extreme behaviors have extreme motivations. So when you see someone suddenly do something weird for them / major change in their behavior... you have to look for the answer to the "why" question.

_It's as if once they are away from their spouse they loose all of their common sense and moral values._

Usually it's more like when they are with their partner they are consciously holding it all together in a situation they are deeply unhappy with. Then once away from their partner, it's like they finally exhale and drop the containment field on a mountain of pent up emotion. Then it comes out all an giant jumble of excess or letting loose et al.

And again, just to be clear, I'm not trying to justify or excuse anything people do, I'm just saying once you can discover the motivations, the behavior becomes better understood and predictable.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

In my own personal experience I, oops, I mean people , drink to excess in that way to set up a "I was too drunk to realise I was going to got to bed with someone I am not married to" excuse.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

We all make mistakes, but this is a biggie. Is he an alcoholic, drinking non stop for days.How did he get an erection? No whiskey d---? You both would've been better off if he never had told you. Chalk it up to being a drunken, horny fool. But he did tell you. Maybe counseling is in order? I don't know how close you were before this mistake. Good luck.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> In my own personal experience I, oops, I mean people , drink to excess in that way to set up a "I was too drunk to realise I was going to got to bed with someone I am not married to" excuse.


Nailed it.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Yes.
> 
> OP, your husband was aware enough to remember what happened enough to tell you. Drunk or not, he still thought it was okay to be that close to another woman. It didn't feel wrong to him. It's not like he had amnesia and forgot who he was and who you were.


he is using being drunk as an excuse to fool around. I'm not buying his remorse. Some things are better left unsaid. This is one of them.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP hasn't been back in a month. I suppose she decided to forgive him until the next time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> OP hasn't been back in a month. I suppose she decided to forgive him until the next time.


That’s so often the case, unfortunately. And then we usually see them back at some point.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Openminded said:


> That’s so often the case, unfortunately. And then we usually see them back at some point.


I know. I did that myself. I lurked for years instead of posting until DD.


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