# Is it an addiction or not caring?



## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

Hi everyone,
I don't know if this is a common topic or not, but I'm struggling to understand whether or not my husband has a sexual addiction or not. We've been married two years, and while dating lived separately. For the first 3 months of dating, I was unaware of how much he was looking at porn and webcams. I discovered this while using his computer one day and told him I did not like the webcams at all, and asked if he could restrict it to just porn since that wasn't live. He agreed.

Of course, fast forward months later I find out that he never stopped and only continued more frequently. . . This sort of continued on, except each time I became more upset. We got married, lived together and I thought that things were alright. How easy could it be to hide that sort of thing, right? Wrong. When I took showers, left the house for a break from the kids, took naps, ect. he 9 out of 10 times took that chance to look at porn and webcams.

It did come to a point where I would begin to cry and told him how much it hurt me that he couldn't respect my feelings on it. He says he understands and he loves me and doesn't mean to hurt me, he "doesn't know" why he looks at it. This has been going on for two years now and we are living separately. To make matters worse, we both found out that my sister is doing underwear modeling and he has even been looking at her photos!

I discovered this three times and the third time I told him, "no excuse, that's a boundary you don't cross, if you do this one more time I can't take it!" because I can't. This is ruining my self-esteem and making me very worried and paranoid about if he's being honest. And the second he had internet access, he was looking up porn and my sister!

So what _is_ this? He says now that he's trying everything to earn my trust and he can't live without me. That he wants to make things work. Is this him just not caring? He still answers that "he doesn't know" and he doesn't see the big deal with porn-- however if it wasn't a big deal, wouldn't it not be a big deal to just stop? I was recovering from a C-section and unable to have sex with him, but there have been times when he's too tired to have sex with me and I don't go off the deep end about it.

To make things more confusing, we're now going to marriage counseling and it has been only the first session, but the counselor told me to not monitor or check, or anything, on his internet usage. This has been going on for two years as a repetitive problem-- "this will leave the door open for him to look at porn, but (my husbands name), you need to respect her and not look at porn." But, my husband hasn't done that once... should this be treated as an addiction therefore keep the monitoring in place and actively fought against, or what?

I've seen recovering porn addicts saying that they keep monitors and filters and everything else on their computers, ect. because they do not want to slip up and they want to build trust with their spouse. I'm very confused about all of this. The issue is not with the content of porn, it's that my husband has blatantly disregarded my feelings and apologized, ran after me upset and told me he screwed up and wants to change, then gone right back to porn.

Help, opinions, anything?
I'd like to point out, bold, and highlight: He still says he doesn't see why I'm so upset about porn, however I've told him clearly that especially with the webcams, he's lied about it so many times that it now feels as if he's cheating on me with it. It really has escalated to that point of hurt. It seems he's expecting me to just forget or give up?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, I think that if he truly thinks its an addiction, he should be seeking help for that. Otherwise, it's just an excuse for not really wanting to stop. I'm assuming he can control himself enough to not look at porn at work and public places, so it's not an "uncontrollable urge". 

And I say this as a guy who used to look at probably more porn than was good for me.

C


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

He doesn't think it's a addiction, he just says he "doesn't know" why he does it. But, unless something is an impulse, an uncontrollable impulse, wouldn't you "know"? I just itched my cheek, because it was itchy. But no one would get upset about that. However, if I masturbated to another man on webcam because I was in the mood and no one else is around, that would obviously make him upset.

Two body functions, but there's thought behind them. However, he just "doesn't know". And he always wants to change, but never does. So I feel he doesn't really want to change.

Is there any end to this aside from me just giving up? We have two children, and I want us to work this out, but the only way this will go on and be healthy is if he stops. It's beaten up my self-esteem, my trust, everything and porn is not such a huge deal that it should even do that. But he's lied so many times about it and lied right to my crying face, and I just don't understand how someone could do that without it being a real uncontrollable thing.

After reading other posts about this, I'd also like to add in that this was an issue even while we were living together, watching porn together, living out "fantasies", and having sex every single day or sometimes more. And except for when I physically could not have sex from pelvic pain during the last weeks of pregnancy or recovering from C-section, I don't deny sex. But unless he has a physical problem that his penis will explode if not "taken care" of, in my mind there isn't an insatiable, uncontrollable need to look at porn.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If he doesn't know why he's doing it, how is he ever going to stop? I'd say that either he starts making a serious effort to figure out why, or you have to accept the fact that he's not going to stop, and make your decisions based on that.

C


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What is the difference between him watching video taped porn and watching live porn? If he's fantasizing about another woman, sexually, does it matter who she is?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Addiction straight up


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> What is the difference between him watching video taped porn and watching live porn? If he's fantasizing about another woman, sexually, does it matter who she is?


To me, taken to this level of disregard it feels the same. If there's a uncontrollable need or a lack of wanting to control that need then it does feel the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

He needs treatment for an addiction.


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> He needs treatment for an addiction.


This is what I thought after reading about porn addiction especially since he usually views it multiple times a day and his use grows and grows in routine. So, how to approach that? The first step is for him to admit to having a problem which he admitted to screwing up but not knowing why. That to me seems like a sign of a problem but he doesn't see that. Should we continue going to the counselor or switch to one that specializes in addiction? This one is focusing on other issues which are important but hasn't pressed him further about why he looks at it and is wanting no further attempts of monitoring thus letting him do it if he pleases... Would a drug addict be given the same advice? I'm new to counseling.
I'd like to add in that we've gone once to this counselor and have weekly visits scheduled. I thank everyone for their advice by the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

We went for our second session today and every time I bring the subject up its that I have MY insecurities ect. but nothing is said about the lies and hiding and dishonesty. And let's face it the complete lack of regard for how upset it makes me. Or my husband diverts the conversation to "she's immature and I'm mature".
He will not even begin to touch the subject, or say why he made promises he intended on breaking.
What the hell do I do??? I have 2 children with him and divorcing over this is ridiculous but he's just saying "it's easier to look at it". How is this result easier? How is shoving me out of the house and going behind my back knowing it will make me upset easier?
... I'm just torn and crying and absolutely at a loss. I do not want this all to be for nothing and he just seems ready to jump the gun and say I'm overreacting and until I can stop caring about porn we need to split. He's saying that im thinking of only my feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Some counselors are better than others. Your counselor for whatever reason isn't seeing the full problem here. But really, there is no reason you need to stick with that one counselor. It is your life and your marriage, you can change counselors. 

However, the problem here is that you married him knowing about this issue. You may not have realized how big of a deal it was going to be in your life, but that doesn't actually matter. You did see the huge red flag waving and you married him anyway.

So why would he think this is that big of a deal to you, since you married him? It doesn't matter that you keep bringing it up and he keeps hiding it, in his mind, you married him the way he is and this is the way he is.

What you really have to do now is understand you might be faced with two options:

1. Accept the situation.

2. Divorce.


He MIGHT come to realize he needs to handle his addiction, but if he doesn't, you are powerless over that. I'm sorry.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please see the link in my signature for help for sex addicts and their spouses. There's a link in there to find a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) Tell your husband that he needs to see a CSAT, and that this is a condition of you remaining together. Give him a time limit and then stick to it. Start your exit plan now.

You may also want to see a CSAT yourself. They also specialize in helping spouses.

You talk about porn and webcams. To me, those are two separate things. Porn, to me, isn't cheating, but interacting one-on-one with other women via webcam sure as hell is. Porn can of course be an addiction, which is also a problem, but if he's a 'sex' addict that's different than if he's 'just' a porn addict.

My sincere best wishes that you can sort all of this out. It isn't easy being married to someone with this type of addiction 

As for not monitoring, that counselor needs a whack in the head. What drivel - they obviously have zero experience with addicts.


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

I can't find any CSA therapist even in the next 100 miles. I believe that this is entirely up to him to really work out but don't want our marriage to end over it. Maybe seeing a different counselor would be a good idea. ... I'm not about to roll over and let this be all my fault. This kind of dishonesty is wrong. It doesn't belong in marriage. The guystuff counseling website looks interesting but its expensive and I don't think he will even take Internet counseling seriously if he's not taking traditional counseling seriously. He using this as a scape goat to make it all my issues. I've admitted I had self esteem problems, he won't even begin to speak beyond he "doesn't know" or doesn't see the big deal. I'm beginning to think he just absolutely does not care and that's heart breaking.

I regret marrying him with this being an issue. I should have remembered the golden rule of accepting someone for who they are entirely and not thinking they will change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So what about the webcam vs porn thing? What exactly is he doing?


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## Ladywriter (Mar 13, 2013)

kescalante said:


> Hi everyone,
> I don't know if this is a common topic or not, but I'm struggling to understand whether or not my husband has a sexual addiction or not. We've been married two years, and while dating lived separately. For the first 3 months of dating, I was unaware of how much he was looking at porn and webcams. I discovered this while using his computer one day and told him I did not like the webcams at all, and asked if he could restrict it to just porn since that wasn't live. He agreed.
> 
> Of course, fast forward months later I find out that he never stopped and only continued more frequently. . . This sort of continued on, except each time I became more upset. We got married, lived together and I thought that things were alright. How easy could it be to hide that sort of thing, right? Wrong. When I took showers, left the house for a break from the kids, took naps, ect. he 9 out of 10 times took that chance to look at porn and webcams.
> ...


 I guess the question is, why is he doing it all the time? I guess you need to talk to him properly about this and tell him why you dont like it. ask him what his reasons are for doing this? Everything always has reasons behind it.


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So what about the webcam vs porn thing? What exactly is he doing?


He was watching live nude cams. I don't know if he was chatting because I couldn't view a history of past conversations. I told him none of that and he did it the first chance, only he also contacted a girl and actively spoke with her on yahoo. That I know he showed himself and participated. I don't know if he's done webcams recently but I wouldn't doubt it with his track record... The porn, he definitely will jump on whenever there's a chance. That's not as disturbing as he classifies photos of friends, coworkers, and even my sister in the pornography folder in his brain. My sister is the most hurtful.

I've asked him why, why so much, why can't he stop ect. And the supreme answer is "it's easier than waking me" and "I don't know" and "it's not a big deal". However, I've made it clear that lieing and dishonesty/break if trust is a big deal. I've asked him to take a break from it so I can work on my self esteem issues and he can resume later. He will agree and I guess thinks hiding it is a better option? He blames me for his usage.there doesn't seem to be a straight answer, it's diversion or a weak answer. I've told him in every way I can why I don't like it ect. and it's fallen on deaf ears as this has been going on for two years. I'm really beginning to believe that he simply doesn't care.
He wants me to trust he isn't doing anything or lieing, but I've been told this countless times only to find out days or months later he was lieing the whole time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kescalante (May 18, 2013)

So I told my husband that we were entirely through because I couldn't take the dishonesty and hurt anymore (he was lieing, again, after promising otherwise) and he went through the cycle of being mad, apologizing, then being mad again when I wouldn't take him back after his apology. Then he went off and started sending me texts saying he was going to kill himself. I called 911, they tracked him down, he told them it was just to scare me and they said that was emotional abuse. Filed a report.

I'm still on the whole view that this relationship is not healthy at all and the whole hurt/comfort thing is breaking me down into a pathetic person. I was very confident until I met my husband and he has really made me doubt every aspect of myself. In 48 hours he's accused me of cheating, told me to get AIDS and die, told me he honestly doesn't care about me and hasn't for a long time, then said he loves me to death and I mean everything to him and he can't live without me. Then, it was back to I was a ***** and just wanted to run off and do whatever I wanted (since the title 'single mom' is SO glamorous, right?) once I told him I was really done with the relationship. Then he wanted to "talk" tomorrow, but oh I would also find porn on my phone because he was trying to "find me" on the internet through webcams, porn, and celebrity nude sites (since I'm entirely a celebrity.)

The next day (yesterday) I went and got my belongings and left. It was the same cycle only add in the police incident from above. He told me that he was really going to try and be honest and to trust him, ect. I say ect. because it's not anything new for him to say this. I love him, I really do, but I really don't think this is anything different from before.

Also, right now he's looking at being homeless possibly because the lease is up on the place he's staying at and he has no where to go. He's burned all his bridges with his family. And he's blaming me for him possibly being homeless, too. But in the next breath saying that he shouldn't treat me so badly and that I don't deserve what he says.

I feel like this is a whole round of hurt/comfort. To top it off he went out with my friend (a girl, but trustworthy and honest) and he got drunk off his ass and started acting the same way. I get that he's drunk and facing being homeless (but most likely his dad will take him in and he knows this) but getting drunk isn't a great way to prove your a mature, responsible adult that really wants to prove something. Not going to work because your spouse won't be with you anymore isn't, either.

Everyone is telling me that I'm not responsible for him and I know I don't deserve to be treated this way. I get that he may really, really care about me, but if you loved someone, why would you do so many hurtful things without remorse until your faced with being alone? I don't feel I should have let this go on so long.
Sigh.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

It doesn't sound like he cares about you, actually. He sounds awful, and I think you made the right choice to get away from that toxicity. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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