# Would you have divorced over this?



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

If you found out your Wife/husband kissed another man/woman (whilst supposedly drunk) on a girls/lads holiday but then proceeded to keep in touch with them when you arrive back via hundreds of phone calls and text messages would you class this as cheating and leave them?

14 year relationship at the time and 2 children aged 1 and 3.

After looking through their phone, there was browsing history apparently looking for hotels half way between our city and the other persons. At the time of finding this out (by looking through their phone because they always seemed to be on it) the wife/husband at the time was sitting on the couch whitening their teeth.

It's common knowledge i have other threads detailing whats gone on since this happened but i wanted to know what people's opinions are on this alone.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If they did not stop the millisecond I found out, you bet you. 

The one kiss MIGHT not do it, but the continued contact after the trip sure as heck might.

I would be VERY hurt if my husband kissed a virtual stranger and then texted them when he got back.

I would be way MORE upset if he got naked with her.

Kind of like a sprain versus a crushed bone.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It seems like a lot more than one kiss took place. I'd be done, and would divorce. There was ongoing contact beyond the first, (forgivable - IMO) drunken kiss, and so, there was INTENTION to cheat after that.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, and this is cheating.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I would definitely classify that as cheating. Both the kiss and texts are cheating but the kiss I would be able to overlook if it was an isolated, drunken, incident. The continued communication is proof positive that it was not though. My spouse it clearly pining away for this person and wanting/intending to meet up with her.

Would I leave? If I didn't have kids? Yes. Cut my losses and find someone better who has never betrayed me to forge a life with. With kids? It gets more complicated. I think that would depend on my husbands reaction when caught. Is he truly remorseful and willing to cut off all contact with this person and put precautions in place where there is no opportunity for secret messages to others? And work on OUR relationship? 

If not, I can't say what I _*would *_do because I've never had children, but I think I would divorce. 

Regardless of the children, I think these actions justify divorce for anyone. No one should feel obligated to remain married to someone they can't trust with their heart.






BIL310 said:


> If you found out your Wife/husband kissed another man/woman (whilst supposedly drunk) on a girls/lads holiday but then proceeded to keep in touch with them when you arrive back via hundreds of phone calls and text messages would you class this as cheating and leave them?
> 
> 14 year relationship at the time and 2 children aged 1 and 3.
> 
> ...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cheating. And yep.


----------



## Flood Light Forty (Jan 30, 2019)

Instantly. The second the drunk kiss happened crossed the line. It would be over with no possible reconciliation.


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

I rang this person and warned him off ever contacting my wife again. I did check her phone bill online and after the next day when I confronted her there was a couple of phone calls if I remember but never anymore after that.

My wife’s swears that she would never have gone to meet him.


----------



## Unwantedposter (Jan 31, 2019)

BIL310 said:


> I rang this person and warned him off ever contacting my wife again. I did check her phone bill online and after the next day when I confronted her there was a couple of phone calls if I remember but never anymore after that.
> 
> My wife’s swears that she would never have gone to meet him.


Sorry for your pain. Hundreds of phone calls? Yeah, that is cheating and it is time for a divorce. Hang in there!


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some would divorce over that and some wouldn't. 

Everyone's reasons for staying with a cheater are different.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I would consider it cheating. That might not lead to divorce if my wife wanted an open relationship which I might consider trying before divorce.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Who knows whether she would have met him or not. Cheaters lie. And at this point why would it matter what she did then since you presumably forgave her.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BIL310 said:


> I rang this person and warned him off ever contacting my wife again. I did check her phone bill online and after the next day when I confronted her there was a couple of phone calls if I remember but never anymore after that.
> 
> My wife’s swears that she would never have gone to meet him.


Is she apologetic and genuinely remorseful? Is she willing to let you see her email/texts any time now?

BTW - how was the marriage from your perspective during this time that all the texting was going on? Was your wife loving and present with you or checked out and dismissive of you?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

WorkingWife said:


> Is she apologetic and genuinely remorseful? Is she willing to let you see her email/texts any time now?
> 
> BTW - how was the marriage from your perspective during this time that all the texting was going on? Was your wife loving and present with you or checked out and dismissive of you?


You should probably know that this information only came out after the OP physically cheated on his wife recently and his wife caught them naked in a hotel room.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Yes I would. From my experience she's lying. 
She probably did go further. 
You can't trust your past, present or future now......can you?
I'd file.
Then you'd know some things for sure.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, why are you rehashing this incident now? Bringing it back up will do nothing to encourage your wife to forgive you for your own cheating. And pointing out that she cheated first isn't likely to have a positive impact on either the attempted reconciliation you seem to be suddenly scrambling for or on creating the right environment for an amicable divorce. 

Yes, she was cheating on you, emotionally at the very least. Presumably, you forgave her and continued in the marriage. It was an unhappy, unhealthy, damaged marriage for a long time. Now, you've gone and got caught shagging another woman. Your wife doesn't seem interested in forgiving you or continuing the marriage. Please, in the name of all that is holy, just cut the cord. You and your wife are both cheaters and your marriage has been broken for a long time. Get an amicable divorce, work on being good co-parents to your children, and move on with your lives.


----------



## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> You should probably know that this information only came out after the OP physically cheated on his wife recently and his wife caught them naked in a hotel room.


Oh my. Um.... Ooops?!

Probably time for a divorce. Or maybe they actually make a good couple.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Yes that would be considered cheating. 

I am really curious though, what you considered it, prior to your own “issues”. Your previous posts before the current situation talk about lack of affection and money stress. You posted about her booking girls trips to Spain within the last 18 months and complained about her spending the money. Most BS, whether you rugswept or not, would be sick if their WS booked a trip to the scene of the crime. Hell, I wouldn’t even be able to eat tapas ever again. But only the money part seem to bother you until you caught trying to get your own **** wet. Really odd. 

And you seem to have spent the last week focused on what she did, how it compares to what you did, and that she should forgive you and never speak of it again because that is what you did. The thing is, she isn’t you. She is allowed to have different (better) boundaries than you did. Even this post seems to be a sad attempt to make your wife the bad guy that you should have divorced, could have divorced, but didn’t. And you think that makes you somehow superior? Less bad? 

Listen, I have been both the betrayed and the cheater. My XH cheated first and when I cheated I totally played the “well you cheated first” card. The difference being I didn’t want to reconcile with him (I’m married to the OM) and my XH bought in to the line of garbage I was spewing. Took me a long time to not buy into either. 

Did she cheat? Yes. Does that have any bearing on your cheating or her reaction to it? Nope.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well, for some drunken kiss, probably not if they were contrite and that was all it was. But all you detailed, I would have to believe there was way more than just a kiss. Seems very likely they were having a sexual affair. That I would divorce over without looking back. Been there done that, never again.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> *If you found out your Wife/husband kissed another man/woman (whilst supposedly drunk) on a girls/lads holiday but then proceeded to keep in touch with them when you arrive back via hundreds of phone calls and text messages would you class this as cheating and leave them?
> 
> 14 year relationship at the time and 2 children aged 1 and 3.
> 
> ...


*If there were indeed a secret hotel situated twixt the two cities, then it's rather safe to say that this couple didn't just go get themselves a room to practice up on their French-kissing!

Paint it any color that you want to, but it appears to be a rather dark shade of "deception!" *


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well, if the story is OP cheated first then its fair game. What does the cheater expect? He opened that Pandora's Box.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Please would you just divorce already. 

It was not a kiss, it was and IS an affair, You are not having sex in your marriage, she is totally not into you, she has been cheating for a while, and you refuse to come out of denial about all of it...

Dude, I am sorry, you need to divorce and get therapy about all of it. 

Please listen...


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Please would you just divorce already.
> 
> It was not a kiss, it was and IS an affair, You are not having sex in your marriage, she is totally not into you, she has been cheating for a while, and you refuse to come out of denial about all of it...
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Rowan said:


> OP, why are you rehashing this incident now? Bringing it back up will do nothing to encourage your wife to forgive you for your own cheating. And pointing out that she cheated first isn't likely to have a positive impact on either the attempted reconciliation you seem to be suddenly scrambling for or on creating the right environment for an amicable divorce.
> 
> Yes, she was cheating on you, emotionally at the very least. Presumably, you forgave her and continued in the marriage. It was an unhappy, unhealthy, damaged marriage for a long time. Now, you've gone and got caught shagging another woman. Your wife doesn't seem interested in forgiving you or continuing the marriage. Please, in the name of all that is holy, just cut the cord. You and your wife are both cheaters and your marriage has been broken for a long time. Get an amicable divorce, work on being good co-parents to your children, and move on with your lives.


I know that I just wanted to see what percentage of people would class that as so serious enough to divorce. The marriage is over and the divorce route is the direction we’re going Down.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Please would you just divorce already.
> 
> It was not a kiss, it was and IS an affair, You are not having sex in your marriage, she is totally not into you, she has been cheating for a while, and you refuse to come out of denial about all of it...
> 
> ...


Don't forget that HE cheated as well.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> You should probably know that this information only came out after the OP physically cheated on his wife recently and his wife caught them naked in a hotel room.


He was nake, in bed and on top of his affair partner when his wife found him, right? And now he claims that it should be ok because there was no penetration yet. LOL


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Don't forget that HE cheated as well.


I get it. I really do. And I am not saying that he is a prize. 

But we all see this as such a screwed up mess, and bless his heart, he has so many thread trying to figure it out. 

It is really simple, she is done with him, and she was probably done with him when he cheated... 

The only problem I really have with her is... Hey he is a cheater and clueless to boot, YOU (OP's wife) should have had the balls to divorce him years ago. 

I think we can agree that staying together, with holding sex, having several affairs, and stringing him along is wrong. 

Not saying that he did not set himself up for that. 

What is don't get is how people that can read and write cannot READ AND WRITE what people who know neither of them can see with such clarity? 

How does that work?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BIL310 said:


> I know that I just wanted to see what percentage of people would class that as so serious enough to divorce. The marriage is over and the divorce route is the direction we’re going Down.


Many people would consider it cheating. Many people would forgive and reconcile their marriage. There was after all no physical sex.

You forgave her. So there is no justification for your own infidelity.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I get it. I really do. And I am not saying that he is a prize.
> 
> But we all see this as such a screwed up mess, and bless his heart, he has so many thread trying to figure it out.
> 
> ...


Where the holy heck did you get what I bolded??? Do you just make things up??


----------



## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > You should probably know that this information only came out after the OP physically cheated on his wife recently and his wife caught them naked in a hotel room.
> ...


I wasn’t naked in bed and on top of her. She was naked and I had shorts on.
She’d just gotten out the bath. Not that it really matters anyway. I opened the hotel
Room door.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BIL310 said:


> I wasn’t naked in bed and on top of her. She was naked and I had shorts on.
> She’d just gotten out the bath. Not that it really matters anyway. I opened the hotel
> Room door.


You're right, It doesn't matter. You arguing about these things to save face illustrates your lack of taking responsibility.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Where the holy heck did you get what I bolded??? Do you just make things up??


Tell me this. Do you honestly believe that her trip to Spain was just a kiss. You believe that? 

Further, do you think, that this is the first time that she has slept around on him. They have not had sex for what 14 months or something. 

If I am mixing up threads then fine, but if this is the correct thread, then yeah, she has cheated more than once. 

If I am wrong, then I am wrong. But if this the right OP and his cluster of threads, then yeah, she cheater more than once...


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I would divorce my husband for being drunk never mind for doing some cheating while drunk. 

We both do not drink at all and that was a strong reason for marrying him. 
I do not think I would cope very well with someone who blames their behaviours on a liquid. People know what they want to do before they consume any alcohol or use drugs. 

So yes, I would divorce him asap.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would divorce, then if I met another women who seemed genuinely into me I would be able to pursue a healthy relationship. I also wouldn't have to deal with the fallout from an angry wife as well as losing the high ground. 

That's me though.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It would be better to keep your story contained in one thread so posters trying to help don't end up confused.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BIL310 said:


> I know that I just wanted to see what percentage of people would class that as so serious enough to divorce. The marriage is over and the divorce route is the direction we’re going Down.


I doubt if I would divorce over a kiss, but going on all men or all women holidays is asking for trouble anyway. Not something I would ever do as a married person.

If it was one kiss and the person was repentant and cut off contact with the other person, then I may try and make things work but the trust would take along time to build again.

However its irrelevant as you have now cheated in a far more serious way and the marriage is over.
BTW how did she know where you were and how did she get into you hotel room?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BIL310 said:


> I wasn’t naked in bed and on top of her. She was naked and I had shorts on.
> She’d just gotten out the bath. Not that it really matters anyway. I opened the hotel
> Room door.


Thats got to be one hell of a shock for any married person.


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Its an EA.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

First of all you know that women on women's holidays in Spain dont just meet men and kiss and hold hands. You know deep down that she slept with him. And wanted to continue to do so. So the answer to your title question is (in this context) - YES! And you were advised to divorce her at the time.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> *I wasn’t naked in bed and on top of her. She was naked and I had shorts on.
> She’d just gotten out the bath. Not that it really matters anyway. I opened the hotel
> Room door.*


*Strictly being in the hotel room, alone with another woman, all without either your wife's knowledge or permission, I'd have to say made you rather culpable, my friend!*


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> You should probably know that this information only came out after the OP physically cheated on his wife recently and his wife caught them naked in a hotel room.


Not true! The OP posted about this a long time ago and was advised not to rugsweep it and was also told that his marriage was probably over and that he should consider divorce - long before his cheating. Read his past threads.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

BIL310 said:


> If you found out your Wife/husband kissed another man/woman (whilst supposedly drunk) on a girls/lads holiday but then proceeded to keep in touch with them when you arrive back via hundreds of phone calls and text messages would you class this as cheating and leave them?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hell no I would never. If she would ever do that and I found out I would help her along by letting her know she was now single. Enjoy your new life sweetie.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BIL310 said:


> I rang this person and warned him off ever contacting my wife again. I did check her phone bill online and after the next day when I confronted her there was a couple of phone calls if I remember but never anymore after that.
> 
> My wife’s swears that she would never have gone to meet him.


Cheaters lie a lot. If he's married a better solution to your problem would have been to inform his wife. He's not affraid of you or he wouldn't have done what he did. I've seen this play out before.

Helping them hide this gets you nothing.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > You should probably know that this information only came out after the OP physically cheated on his wife recently and his wife caught them naked in a hotel room.
> ...


I have read all of his posts that I can see and never saw one mention of it. He only had two threads prior to his own cheating that show up and they were both about her needing booze to want to have set with him. Was he posting under a different name or am I blind? First post shows April 2017.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BIL310 said:


> If you found out your Wife/husband kissed another man/woman (whilst supposedly drunk) on a girls/lads holiday but then proceeded to keep in touch with them when you arrive back via hundreds of phone calls and text messages would you class this as cheating and leave them?
> 
> 14 year relationship at the time and 2 children aged 1 and 3.
> 
> ...


P.S. It was more than a kiss.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Uh yea


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BIL310 said:


> If you found out your Wife/husband kissed another man/woman (whilst supposedly drunk) on a girls/lads holiday but then proceeded to keep in touch with them when you arrive back via hundreds of phone calls and text messages would you class this as cheating and leave them?


Absolutely cheating. Tell her/him it ends this very second or you're leaving.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BIL310 said:


> I wasn’t naked in bed and on top of her. She was naked and I had shorts on.
> She’d just gotten out the bath. Not that it really matters anyway. I opened the hotel
> Room door.


Oh.

Then just divorce yourself.

You're not worth having as a spouse.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BIL310 said:


> I rang this person and warned him off ever contacting my wife again. I did check her phone bill online and after the next day when I confronted her there was a couple of phone calls if I remember but never anymore after that.
> 
> My wife’s swears that she would never have gone to meet him.


If I live to be 1,000, I'll *never* understand why men think 'chasing off' the other man is the answer to their problems.

The other guy *isn't* your problem, OP.

Your cheating wife is your problem.

Let me fix that. Your cheating, *LYING* wife is your problem.

*ETA*: Meh. He was supposedly caught in a hotel room with a naked woman (who the hell opens the door when a woman is NAKED? Hmmm...) so I'm just going to sit back and eat my popcorn.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I heard that "only one kiss" lie before from my XWW. It was actually a full blown affair and had been going on for 1 1/2 years. 
The step from being platonic to the first kiss is much greater than the step between the first kiss and sex. 

Sorry, time to see a lawyer!


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

BIL310 said:


> I wasn’t naked in bed and on top of her. She was naked and I had shorts on.
> She’d just gotten out the bath. Not that it really matters anyway. I opened the hotel
> Room door.


What comes around, goes around


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

WasDecimated said:


> I heard that "only one kiss" lie before from my XWW. It was actually a full blown affair and had been going on for 1 1/2 years.
> The step from being platonic to the first kiss is much greater than the step between the first kiss and sex.
> 
> Sorry, time to see a lawyer!


 LOL. That's the Number #1 lie cheaters tell right out of the Cheaters' Handbook - "it was only one kiss."

Sure it was.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Some would divorce over that and some wouldn't.
> 
> *Everyone's reasons for staying with a cheater are different*.


I really, really like this statement.

It's raw, on point, and cuts out the mental gymnastics of "why" that so often gets talked to death.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> Tell me this. Do you honestly believe that her trip to Spain was just a kiss. You believe that?
> 
> Further, do you think, that this is the first time that she has slept around on him. They have not had sex for what 14 months or somethithng.
> 
> ...


this brings up an interesting point.

its obvious to most here his wife's extravaganza was more then just a kiss and the probability that she cheated is extremely high.

that doesn't excuse what the OP has done....BUT.....it certainly doesn't earn giving his wife the moral high ground to judge and be as harsh as she is. I mean of all people a cheater should understand it having been there them selves.

another clue to me that she did cheat was the fact that she was on to his affair so quickly and caught him the way she did. How is that possible? most spouses are clueless.....yet this went down quickly. How? because having been a cheat herself, she knew what to look for and the warning signs, and then busted him royally. still think she is miss innocent? I don't.

OP if you are reading this don't be so harsh on yourself. and don't let your wife pound you into oblivion for doing exactly what she has already done and I say call her out on it. the sad part is it doesn't change anything but at least let her know she isn't any better then you are for what has transpired.


it could be argued what she has done is worse.....beating him over the head with his infidelity and hiding hers. nice.


----------



## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

For me it would be an automatic divorce. Physical cheating of any kind ebds things.


----------

