# how do you deal with the humiliation and embarrassment?



## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

I am 7 months out from finding out the details of my H's EA and PA. I did the 180, full exposure, separated, filed for divorce...etc.
My H came out of the fog only AFTER the full exposure. I did it as a last resort. It wasn;t until I exposed his affair to his family, my family, friends, work, the OW spouse and family...

Things are going well between us. We continue with MC and it is a very slow and painful process. But, we have two young children (6 and 8) and I struggle with my dream of having my family together and my anger and pride that would kick him to the curb if not for my children. Don't get me wrong I have days when I feel like I love my H, However, there are days when I ask myself "WTF am I doing?" I deserve way better than this.

The hardest part is living with the humiliation and embarrassment of having everyone know he cheated on me and I have taken him back. I feel so pathetic because it goes against everything that I am. I WANT to be true to myself and sometimes think I should just move on as a single mother. (I have the means to take care of myself very well) I think I would feel better and honest with my soul. KWIM? 

BUT, I don't know if that is the best decision for my kids. I don't want them to come from a broken home. Some part of me still loves my H (but I don't respect him) He is trying to make it right, but I think he could be doing more. I still have lots of anger toward him for putting our family in this position.

I also HATE that everyone knows. I know it is the only thing that broke through the fog, but man I wonder how I am suppose to deal with the embarrassment.

Can anyone share some insight on how to deal with this. I would greatly appreciate it.

Thanks.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

What should you be embarrassed about? You did something that only people with strength are able to do, decide to fight for your family at the expense of accepting a cheater back. You will not be the first person to do it nor will you be the last. The thing that should come from the experience is the realization that the affair was not the problem, it was only a sign that there was already a problem in your marriage. What you need to do is really examine the dynamics of your relationship and get a full understanding of how you contributed to the marital issues. 

Understand that your husband is not exempt as he also had a role in your issues. But the one thing that you cannot do is control what he does. There are several books that I can recommend that will help you greatly in understanding what happened and they will give you some information on what to do to recovery from the affair.

"Surviving an Affair" will help with understanding what happened that may have caused your husband to think that an affair was a solution to his unhappiness.

"His Needs, Her Needs" will help you with understanding how men and women have different things they desire from their spouses and get you on a path that could prevent your husband ever taking this route again.

Educate yourself and implement what you learn. These are two GREAT books and I believe they will be well worth the investment. I hope that things will work out for you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

marksaysay is right. You should be proud of yourself for having the strength to keep your family together. That is admirable quality right there. As long as your H is remorseful and doing whatever YOU need to make things better, keep working on your marriage. Families are always worth it.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm only about 4 months from D-day Pacmouse, so I'm probably not much help, but I do have days where I get that "WTF am I doing?" feeling too. 

I am fortunate that my DS snapped out of the fog within hours of my finding out, so I didn't have to do full exposure. I did end up telling 4 of my close girlfriends for moral support and H's family. But I'm with you, it sucks having people know. However, I also feel it may help in the long run. Rebuilding is hard, but when the DS has to rebuild other relationships, the enormity of the infidelity becomes even more apparent.

I also have two children, so on difficult days I look at pictures of them for strength. But it's so hard to know what the future will bring. I wonder if all the pain and rebuilding will be worth it down the road. Will I trust my DS enough to not hurt me again and be the partner I always wanted in a fulfilling marriage.

I do believe we must be incredibly strong people to stay with someone after such a violation of trust. The hardest thing I've ever had to do. Having people know makes it even harder, but not hopeless. 

Until someone lives it, they just don't understand. However, with at least 50% of woman and 60% of men cheating at some point in their marriage... it seems like it's just a matter of time before someone else is walking in our shoes. I don't wish it on anyone, but the ones that seem to think it could never happen to them, are the ones I worry about the most. Sucks to get blindsided.

Not that I answered your question or added any insight, but sometimes it just helps knowing you're not alone in your feelings.


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## myhope (Dec 9, 2010)

that is an excelent question. i have often thought about it myself, and never saw anyone really talking about it. i am about a year and a half after d-day. i didn't know about this site, or really anything about being cheated on . . . if i had, i may have handled things differently. but who knows.

i didn't out him to everyone. i did tell a few of my friends and my family . . . but mostly i told them because it was my story. whoever he told was his story. surprise, surprise--he told no one. to this day, it makes me mad that his friends and family think that he has been the hero in our relationship--giving advice or making comments and not knowing even part of the story. i wish i HAD told them. but, at this point, i would just be vindictive. and what point does that serve?

as far as everyone knowing, and the emberrassment. of the few people i have told, enough time has passed that a few have come to me with questions or advice because they know i've been there. i AM glad for their sake. i don't want anyone to have to go through this alone. if you have to know personal business of mine--well, then i choose to see myself as a model of rising above. 

it's an actual choice i made. i don't want to be a victom. i want to be strength and dignity personified. and i believe that i, my husband, and our marrage will not be defined by his foolishness.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

it is unfortunate that people do get overly involved in our choices. i too have decided to work it out with my husband -- but the only thing is is nobody knows ... and that makes it difficult too because when i am having one of those moments (especially during my cycle) - it can be so overwhelming it is all i can think about ... i dont want to be near him or to touch him .. but then on any other given day -- our marriage is stronger and more intense ..... if others judge you for the decisions you make and they are yours to make -- then they can go there own way. You dont have to justify your actions or decisions to anyone but you and your husband....


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

It helps to have someone to talk about it.. Being here on TAM helps me..

Having told my best friend, she is being a great comfort to me lately.

And I talk to my therapist about it.

I haven't told anyone in our families. I don't need them picking sides and saying whos right and wrong.. but I do know it helps just to have someone to talk to.. and get it off your shoulders a little.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

This is my own personal opinion but here's the way I see it. 

When we do not show people -- friends and family -- who we really are (warts and all) in real life we are lying to them and putting out a false front. One of the things I realized as a former disloyal is just how DANGEROUS it is to not be transparent, and that means to everyone including family and friends. 

When your family and friends know that he cheating and know that you took him back and worked to honor your commitment in very hard circumstances, I will bet you MONEY that not one looks at you and thinks, "Wow what a weak little doormat she is." If the marriage really is saved my guess is that most people of high morals and good quality will look at you with some degree of admiration for your strength and tenacity. I know I sure do! I look at loyals who stay and also work on themselves as HEROES. And I look at disloyals who stop and do the right things as brave because it is not easy to make an enormous mistake and have the courage to repent in public. Most folks are too prideful! 

Soooo... in summary I would say rather than doing the "it's none of their business what happens in our private life" approach to everything, I would suggest practicing transparency not only to each other but to other people (like friends and family) as well. Let them see that your marriage isn't perfect and they may go, "Well thank GOD you brought that up, because I feel XYZ and no one will ever talk about it! Everyone else seems so perfect and I feel like such a freak that I'm the only one like that...." 

There will always be people who are snobby and say "Well I never!" but those aren't usually folks worth giving the time of day to anyway and you can always look them in the eye and say "You may not have, but I DID!"


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

hmmm, embarrassment...good pt/question.

i'd say depends it all on WHO u are, as well as yer "friends."

not everyone is comfortable with being transparent. i wont argue the pros/cons of that here (for now), 'cept to say it 
is dependent on (somewhat) who these friends or "others" are
that u are looking to confide in.

i mean, theres truth in the cliche "information IS power."

in an IDEAL world it'd be best to be transparent of course but,
then again....in an ideal world there wouldnt be the fornification
of infidelity and its aftermath on all of us.

Just ask Adam & Eve.

Your feelings are just that, FEELINGS. they will rise n fall like the ocean tides/waves depending on the winds that blow that
u can feel (see) or not feel (not see....ala present/future etc).
dont put too much stock in dem dare feelings.

i pray yer H comes around to full repentance and u in turn be able to recognize it when it comes, so that yer marriage will
grow into something stronger than it was, albeit, purer/virginal/new.

with God, anything, and yes i do mean ANYTHING, is possible.

Shalom yeladeem..................ray:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cb45 said:


> hmmm, embarrassment...good pt/question.
> 
> i'd say depends it all on WHO u are, as well as yer "friends.":


Very true. People of value will have compassion for your ordeal and will offer you and your husband emotional support.

In a way, you'll finally find out who your friends really are.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

This will sound very peculiar, but in a pathetic attempt to hang on to my husband and our marriage, I finally gave him permission to have extramarital affairs. He had been involved in a very intense emotional affair, but not a physical one.

He badgered me for a year about how he felt it would help our relationship if he could get his other needs met with other women. I finally threw up my hands and said "all right, do it but keep it under my radar".

I have been gritting my teeth for a year now, trying to force myself to be okay with his new polyamorous lifestyle. It wasn't working, and I finally told him so. Now we will divorce.

Talk about humiliation - to have sunk so low in self-esteem that I actually allowed him his affairs. In doing so, I realize I let him off the hook. Now he doesn't need to feel guilty. And the people who know I permitted it are understandably mystified, and that adds to my feelings of humiliation.

Finally I realized that I needed to do something to feel better about the humiliation, and how stupid I was to go along with his demented plan. 

I began to tell myself these things - that his behavior has nothing to do with me, and that I am permitted to make mistakes. I also am seeing a therapist, and he is a great guy who gives very positive feedback. It is important right now for me to hear that I am a good person worthy of respect and love. 

These are uncharted waters, and we're bound to get lost in the fog. But at last I am beginning to hold my head up and let the shame drop away from me. My very best wishes for your happiness.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I am having a lot of the same problems. Just keep your head up high.


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