# Husband $$



## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

My husband has always been the main bread-winner even though I've always worked. His workload decreased somewhat over the past few yrs but he insisted on building a huge new house. Now his work has decreased even more and he keeps adding to our debt. He seems content to work a week or so to get by then beg, borrow & steal to pay the bills until he works again. When I get quiet because I'm worried about money or ask him if he's asked around for work he goes nuts on me. Tells me I've found a big money man, or sorry he can't meet my needs, he'll just leave so I can find a rich man, blah blah blah! He ends up accusing me of already having a new man! When I ask him to apologize he comes back with "sorry I ruined your life. There's no use just file for divorce" WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY I AM SORRY! I DID NOT MEAN TO HURT YOU! Does he really want to leave me?!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

hbgirl said:


> My husband has always been the main bread-winner even though I've always worked. His workload decreased somewhat over the past few yrs but he insisted on building a huge new house. Now his work has decreased even more and he keeps adding to our debt. He seems content to work a week or so to get by then beg, borrow & steal to pay the bills until he works again. When I get quiet because I'm worried about money or ask him if he's asked around for work he goes nuts on me. Tells me I've found a big money man, or sorry he can't meet my needs, he'll just leave so I can find a rich man, blah blah blah! He ends up accusing me of already having a new man! When I ask him to apologize he comes back with "sorry I ruined your life. There's no use just file for divorce" WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY I AM SORRY! I DID NOT MEAN TO HURT YOU! Does he really want to leave me?!


 I think that he probably knows that what he is doing is very dangerous, and your concern is a trigger to release his denial and guilt. Its immature. I think that you have to pick a time when the bills are finally paid, and then try to talk about it rationally, and let him know how hurtful the accusations are. Let him know that you would much prefer working on the problems together. I could imagine that it might make you feel helpless to see it happening.

Sadly, it seems like this often becomes an addiction, of sorts. The hurtful remarks to you are almost classic symptoms. If he would be receptive to it, there are a number of web sites for money matters and getting out of these types of problems. Would he be willing to look at information like this with you? If he could somehow be encouraged to turn this near obsession into a hobby of becoming debt free, he's got a lot of energy to funnel.


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## Chelhxi (Oct 30, 2008)

Sounds more like he is begging for you to set some boundaries for yourself and your relationship. Not necessarily that he wants to leave or even wants you to leave.

Do you have a clear picture of all actual debts, assets, income and expenses? I'd start with trying to get that. And then actually decide how much of this nonsense you are willing to put up with. And then what are you going to do about it?

I don't have the same type of issue myself, but when my husband says stupid things like that, I just call his bluff. I always just say ok in a matter of fact way. If he suggests doing something I don't think he should do, I encourage him to do it, because if I ever told him he couldn't do something he'd want to do it. Kind of childish, but it works for us.

So if he won't have a normal conversation about money managing, try starting a normal conversation about separating your money and divorcing. See what he says then.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

He knows the situation he is in and is simply hyper-sensitive about it.


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