# I'm pregnant and my husband doesn't know



## ncwtd (Oct 9, 2017)

My husband isn't the type of man who wants a big family. He didn't want any kids (we already have one). He's also not the type of man to "come around" after the shock wears off and be a supportive partner during a pregnancy or in the early stages after birth. I know, because I've already been there.

My husband and I had an unplanned pregnancy caused by a night of stupidity and plan b failure. His immediate reaction was abortion, something I couldn't go through with. He was not supportive at all during my pregnancy and had no interest. He tried to be nice about it but the lack of happiness showed very clearly. It was very hard having no support, having him think pregnant women look gross and not wanting to have anything to do with the pregnancy. When our son was born he tried, but still wasn't interested for at least the first year. Things are better now. He stays home with our son a few days a week when I'm at work. He's good with him and we enjoy ourselves as a family. But he did not want kids, ever, and he still doesn't want more. We are finally happy, but it took a lot to get there. Nerves are holding him back from a vasectomy, not hesitation.

5 days ago I found out that I'm pregnant and I have no clue what to do about it. I had an iud, a pregnancy was not planned. While I'd be happy to have another, my husband wouldn't be. He regularly says he never wants more and would rather die. My iud has moved out of position, making it less effective. The nurse said it was because the strings were left too long. I feel like I did something wrong and it's all my fault.

I need to have the iud removed this week, and that could result in a miscarriage. Part of me doesn't want to tell him until/if that doesn't happen. Just telling him feels like it will ruin our marriage. Why bother if the pregnancy will come to an end anyway (miscarriage). Maybe it's best to keep it to myself. 

I know he's going to suggest abortion, and I don't know how I'd ever go through with it. We've had now 2 unplanned pregnancies and I got "my way" on the first. Does he get his on this one? 

The other day he was touching my lower abdomen and I told him that every time he touches me there it reminds me of when he wouldn't touch me there when I was pregnant. His response was a snarky "well its time to get over it". I don't know if I can go through another pregnancy like that.

He's admitted that he wasn't attentive during my pregnancy or the first year, because he didn't want a kid. After our son was born he still had no interest and it took well over a year. He said it could be different another time around but "we'll never know".

I just don't know what to do and I'm freaking out...


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

he doesn't get a turn to "get his way". no BC is 100% effective, so this isn't your fault. if you are against an abortion, then don't get one. it is time for him to man up and take responsibility, or move out and sulk elsewhere.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am going to come out and say this....men like this are real jerks, one hand They complain they don't want kids but then they expect The wife to deal with contraception. I call bull crap on that...ask him why does he not get a vasectomy and be done with it. What a jerk.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you're taking all the responsibility here, which is absurd.

If he is so against children, then why hasn't he had a vasectomy? Does he wear a condom during sex? Or is the 'childlessness' completely your duty?

He sounds very entitled here & you sound like you enable it.

Why not wait until you have the IUD removed. If you miscarry, you can keep it to yourself, but then insist on a vasectomy. He needs to step up. It sounds like all he's done to ensure his preferred life without kids is lay down the law, which isn't a form of birth control the last time I checked.

If you don't miscarry and can't/won't abort, then you really don't have any good choices. I think you know that. You could divorce and raise your kids on your own. While not at all ideal, I know, it is better than having to live forever with a man who has the attitude that your H has about his family.

Remember, you didn't trap him. It takes two to tango.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband sounds like a complete douche canoe.

If he never wanted kids, he should have been more care - and got a vasectomy.

This is a child's life - your baby, that you conceived together. I would give ANYTHING to have had my own baby...anything. I'd take years off my life to have had my own family.

In your shoes, I honestly would have left my husband during my first pregnancy. I couldn't look at him the same way knowing he wanted our child murdered.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I'm sure he must have some good qualities but I'd be hard pressed to stay. I certainly wouldn't abort a baby to please a man who can't be bothered to get a vasectomy. 

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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You did what you could getting an IUD. The two of you made the baby, not just you. You need to tell him you are pregnant, and that he needs to get a vasectomy if he wants to prevent pregnancy. Even that is not always 100%. If you have a miscarriage, your husband needs to know, so he can help you. Miscarriages are painful, emotionally and physically. I hope he does the right thing and steps up to the plate.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

As weird as it feels, I'm in 100% agreement with the women in your thread. 
You should be able to tell your husband anything without fear he's going to flip out, within reason. An unplanned pregnancy is what it is. Not your fault. As much as I wouldn't want another child myself, if my so got pregnant and I didn't want it (I would), I'd just put the baby up for adoption (I mean, if neither of us wanted it). I don't believe abortion should be for birth control.

Tell him to go get a vasectomy. And, I don't see any harm in not telling until you're sure it's going to happen.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I am sorry to hear that you are afraid to tell your husband about your pregnancy. Marriage is supposed to be about facing life together and being in it together. It doesn't sound like you have that kind of situation in your marriage. It sounds quite lonely to be in a place where you cannot share this with your husband and expect his love and participation.

How could you be at fault for this pregnancy? You are using one of the most reliable forms of birth control. Pregnancy naturally happens from sex and your husband was fully involved in that situation.

If you get an abortion due to pressure from your husband, you will likely have serious emotional problems to deal with from that.You would be better off divorced. Your husband does not sound like a kind or loving husband. The way he has treated you through the first pregnancy is unconscionable, especially since he has put all of this off on you. I'm sorry, but he really needs to get his heart examined and step up to be a good husband and father to both of your children.

I always told my kids, "Sex causes pregnancy. That is what our bodies are designed for and sometimes there is nothing you can do to stop it." I know many women who were using reliable forms of birth control and they got pregnant. One of my children was conceived while I was using birth control, plus a back up. Thankfully my husband literally danced for joy when he found out our methods had failed since I was the one not wanting to get pregnant. Our unexpected child has been and continues to be a huge blessing and someone who has helped shape my life to be a better person.

Your child is unexpected, but you clearly do not want to abort. Please do not let anyone talk you into it. Women who abort against their conscience suffer tremendously.

Your husband may feel justified in his attitude, but he is not. You two created a child together and rather than giving you grief, he should step up and be the kind of man who cares for his wife and family, not someone who makes life more painful.

If you stay with your husband, please insist on him getting an vasectomy. I know a woman who tried various forms of birth control and she kept getting pregnant. Everything from the pill to the IUD. They already had four children and went on to have three more while using these supposedly very effective forms of birth control. You are showing a propensity towards that same scenario. This could happen again.

I really hope that you find peace in this situation and that your husband has a change of heart regarding his entitled, oppressive attitude towards you, your body, and your child.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, this a great thing.

Now, presently, you have your' son and yourself.

Later, you will have your son, the new baby and yourself.

That, my Dear ups it to "three to one" against this selfish clown show that is your husband.

I pray that the baby come to full term and lives a long happy life with it's Momma!

You will gain a life long love and friend.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you may lose the fetus when the IUD is removed, then you can wait the week to tell him. After that, you *have* to tell him - it deeply affects him as well as you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Even if you do lose the baby when the IUD comes out, you have to tell him. And tell him that he has to get a vasectomy because if you get pregnant again, you are going to have the baby. If he does not want any more children, it's up to him to get the vasectomy. And then don't have sex with him until he does.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ncwtd said:


> My husband isn't the type of man who wants a big family. He didn't want any kids (we already have one). He's also not the type of man to "come around" after the shock wears off and be a supportive partner during a pregnancy or in the early stages after birth. I know, because I've already been there.
> 
> My husband and I had an unplanned pregnancy caused by a night of stupidity and plan b failure. His immediate reaction was abortion, something I couldn't go through with. He was not supportive at all during my pregnancy and had no interest. He tried to be nice about it but the lack of happiness showed very clearly. It was very hard having no support, having him think pregnant women look gross and not wanting to have anything to do with the pregnancy. When our son was born he tried, but still wasn't interested for at least the first year. Things are better now. He stays home with our son a few days a week when I'm at work. He's good with him and we enjoy ourselves as a family. But he did not want kids, ever, and he still doesn't want more. We are finally happy, but it took a lot to get there. Nerves are holding him back from a vasectomy, not hesitation.
> 
> ...


I am so sorry you are going through this, it's not as if he doesn't have a part to play in this, but when one partner doesn't want a kid then it is difficult.
Go get the IUD removed and see what happens.
Then you have to tell him and discuss the future.

How are things with your marriage at the moment, would you call it strong, or is he un-supportive in general?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry. 

I'm not sure if telling him will accomplish anything ifyou miscarry. It sounds like he won't care and you'll need support emotionally. 

Why are you with such an unfeeling man? It's not your fault that your bc failed. You did what you could to not become pregnant. While there's no issue from me that he chooses not to have kids, why is it all your responsibility to ensure it doesn't happen?

He really sounds less than pleasant.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My prayers are with you!

FWIW, keep the child and make the arrogant, self-serving SOB go get a vasectomy!*


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't believe in secrets in a marriage. You should tell him now. Face the truth about your marriage. 

All you are doing is enabling his childish attitude. He may never grow up, but he surely won't if you shield him from such opportunities to grow.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ncwtd said:


> My husband isn't the type of man who wants a big family. He didn't want any kids (we already have one). He's also not the type of man to "come around" after the shock wears off and be a supportive partner during a pregnancy or in the early stages after birth. I know, because I've already been there.
> 
> My husband and I had an unplanned pregnancy caused by a night of stupidity and plan b failure. His immediate reaction was abortion, something I couldn't go through with. He was not supportive at all during my pregnancy and had no interest. He tried to be nice about it but the lack of happiness showed very clearly. It was very hard having no support, having him think pregnant women look gross and not wanting to have anything to do with the pregnancy. When our son was born he tried, but still wasn't interested for at least the first year. Things are better now. He stays home with our son a few days a week when I'm at work. He's good with him and we enjoy ourselves as a family. But he did not want kids, ever, and he still doesn't want more. We are finally happy, but it took a lot to get there. Nerves are holding him back from a vasectomy, not hesitation.
> 
> ...


Your H is selfish. Needs to grow up. If your H is going to tango he is responsible for the outcome. 100% contraception is abstinence. Your H knew the risks.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

What an a-hole.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ncwtd said:


> My husband isn't the type of man who wants a big family. He didn't want any kids (we already have one). He's also not the type of man to "come around" after the shock wears off and be a supportive partner during a pregnancy or in the early stages after birth. I know, because I've already been there.
> 
> My husband and I had an unplanned pregnancy caused by a night of stupidity and plan b failure. His immediate reaction was abortion, something I couldn't go through with. He was not supportive at all during my pregnancy and had no interest. He tried to be nice about it but the lack of happiness showed very clearly. It was very hard having no support, having him think pregnant women look gross and not wanting to have anything to do with the pregnancy. When our son was born he tried, but still wasn't interested for at least the first year. Things are better now. He stays home with our son a few days a week when I'm at work. He's good with him and we enjoy ourselves as a family. But he did not want kids, ever, and he still doesn't want more. We are finally happy, but it took a lot to get there. Nerves are holding him back from a vasectomy, not hesitation.
> 
> ...


This is sad. I'm sorry OP.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Only solution is to tell him, so get it over with rather than stressing over it for weeks. It could be much worse like when my wife's married girlfriend got pregnant by some guy she met at a club. Want it or not, your husband will accept it and be happy.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OP,
Your husband is a total douche bag. If he doesn't want children then he needs to do his part to make sure that it doesn't happen. Does he normally blame others for his actions? I can't imagine having to go through what you went through during the last pregnancy. He needs to go get the damned vasectomy, like yesterday.

FTR: I never wanted children. Best thing to ever happen to me though.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, and I'm sorry to say this, but your husband sounds like a first rate jerk. Secondly, when you guys were dating, did you talk about having a family? Were you upfront with what each other wanted? If so, and you knew this beforehand, why would you go through and marry him?

The pregnancy is NOT your fault at all. You were using birth control, was he? If he's so against having a larger family, then he needs to man up and go get that vasectomy to prevent future pregnancies. If you do miscarry when your IUD is removed, is that something you can work through on your own, or would you want someone to lean on?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wouldn't want to spend a second with a man who so readily wants to kill his own child. I would also not have married a man who didn't want children and was so immature. I am also not sure why you have to have the IUD removed. Cant it stay? 
He has the choice to leave if he hates the idea so much, but if you kill the baby because of him you will be left with resentment and anger and probably depression. 

I would just tell him and make it clear straight away that you wont be aborting the baby. Then the ball is in his court.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

An IUD can become lodged in the developing child. It has to be removed before that can happen.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

I am sorry that you are in this position but as we all know no contraceptive is 100% so there was always a chance.

Your husband is the one who doesn't want kids so he needs to make sure that doesn't happen. This is his "fault" and not yours. 
It took both of you to make this baby.

Tell him now, otherwise you will work yourself into a horrid state going over and over it. 

"Hey I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm keeping it. I know you don't want more kids but contraceptives are not 100% so you need to get a vasectomy or we could end up with 5. I will not put up with having no support this time. I will be pregnant and we have a toddler. It's time to figure out how this works, together."

Do not even entertain any talk about abortion/adoption. If he gets negative or whiny walk away. 

He needs to grow up.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BTW your husband does sound like an unsupportive person. So it's important that you not make lifelong decisions based on his desire. You should no way shape or form consider things like getting your tubes tied or hysterectomy unless you're absolutely sure you don't want anymore children. In a few years you may find that you guys are not compatible and get divorced. You want to be able to have more children should you choose to .


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