# Making the Same Lame Decisions



## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

So I'm new to this forum... I hope someone can help me pinpoint why I'm doing the wrong things. My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half. We just had our first child in April... I haven't been to work so I've been surfing the internet and spending time on Facebook all day. We're members of a particular group which is mostly people our age who post memes and other randomness. One day out of the week is meant for posting freaky things like nudes or sexual stories or whatever. I don't really do that but I used to have the Whisper app on my phone. Something I did for fun was pretend to be a guy or use another woman's name... One of my postings on the app mentioned how I was "willing to do illegal things to pay off debt" and of course -- I got a ton of replies from men asking about it. Prostitution is obviously just implied as I wasn't specific at all about what I would do. I ended up entertaining a conversation where I declined an offer to go out of state. After I told the person no, he sent me an unsolicited picture of his penis. So I posted the conversation to the group page as I'd done with other conversations.

My husband doesn't check his social media often so he didn't know about the previous conversations. He was very upset and we got into an argument. I apologized and removed Whisper from my phone. The following week, someone in the FB group posted a short video about a woman who was involved in financial domination or findom. She basically made her living by having men send her money. I did some minimal research and opened a new FetLife account to try it out. I only made contact with one person but it didn't get anywhere. My husband found out about this by going through my phone and my browser history. We just talked about it and he wasn't happy. He thinks that it doesn't matter at this point what I do because I'm just going to do what I want. I ended up deleting that account tonight too.

The last thing that happened which I think he's unhappy about it that I went to a forum about obese husbands and sexless marriages. Our sex life is decent but it's been a bit rough lately since our child was born. His weight plays a minute factor. I've never viewed my husband as an unattractive man. I am worried about his weight and his health though. I've never even thought about an affair. But now that this has all occurred, I feel like he's even more unhappy... especially with me. Worst case is that he just gets fed up with me and leaves me and our baby. How can I stop making stupid decisions and show him that I mean it when I say I'm sorry for what I did wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You stop making stupid decisions by not taking any action until you have really thought about it.

Like don't open any online account, or do any of that sort of stuff for 24 to 48 hours after you have the urge and/or thought to do it.

I do this with shopping. If I see something that I really want, I wait 24 hours to buy it. I figure if I still want it in 24 hours and it's worth getting in the car and driving to the store for, then I'll get it. 99% of the time, I could care less about the thing by the next day. 

Do something like that about these things you are doing.


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You stop making stupid decisions by not taking any action until you have really thought about it.
> 
> Like don't open any online account, or do any of that sort of stuff for 24 to 48 hours after you have the urge and/or thought to do it.
> 
> ...


That's actually really smart... Not making a decision until 24 hours later.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hendrix said:


> That's actually really smart... Not making a decision until 24 hours later.


Works for me all the time. 


Are you bored at home with a home with a kid?


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Works for me all the time.
> 
> 
> Are you bored at home with a home with a kid?


Yeah... that was the reason I gave for posting the Whisper convo online. But after I said it it sounded kind of dumb. At that time, he said he was worried about what else I'd do if I got bored. Being home by myself with an infant isn't a bad thing. I like being home but it's a different feeling when he's actually here. I like when we're both home better than when he's not here.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

How about starting by asking your husband about any decision that affects your marriage before you do anything. You are not all of a sudden going to become smart about your choices in life. That will take time and a lot of work but by then it may be too late. Seems like all your bad choices have something to do with sex and I have a feeling that your story minimizes that aspect. Findom is not just about money. It is about dominating desperate men for money in return for a picture of you or perhaps buying you something sexy. You become their mistress and instead of a whip, you take their money to dominate them. Professional mistresses list that as one of their services along with all the other sexual domination stuff. Seems that all of your bad choices have something to do with sex and I have a feeling that it was not all very innocent as you say. Everything you do has to do with sex in one form or another. No wonder your husband has had it with you. Hopefully you are an intelligent person who can work this out. If not, your future will not be very good. I have seen women go from making bad choices to becoming very successful in all that they do. I have also seen women who continue to make bad choices the rest of their lives. They never learn from their mistakes.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Honest advice, you should quit the utterly destructive force called social media and get out more. What you're posting seems more than a bit childish. 

Young child or not, my best friend lives in an incredibly remote area and after her first, managed to join mommy meetup groups that would organize park walks and other outings together. 

Sitting on social media all day is satisfying your brain (dopamine), but it'll destroy your marriage, JMO.


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

Satya said:


> Honest advice, you should quit the utterly destructive force called social media and get out more. What you're posting seems more than a bit childish.
> 
> Young child or not, my best friend lives in an incredibly remote area and after her first, managed to join mommy meetup groups that would organize park walks and other outings together.
> 
> Sitting on social media all day is satisfying your brain (dopamine), but it'll destroy your marriage, JMO.


I've definitely considered that. Shutting down social media for awhile would force me find another way to spend my time. I wouldn't mind hanging out with other first time moms, moms in general (who aren't my relatives), or other married couples. I really don't want us to separate because of something so stupid and we're still starting out. Neither of us have any intention on raising our daughter separately... so I have a lot to do if I want to make sure this works.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many people consider any form of sexual interaction online to be a form of cheating.


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Many people consider any form of sexual interaction online to be a form of cheating.


I don't think he does... I'd never go and have and actually have an affair though. I really do love my husband.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Talk to him and make sure you are both on the same page about what is OK online. 



Hendrix said:


> I don't think he does... I'd never go and have and actually have an affair though. I really do love my husband.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You definitely should remove yourself from this group that has Freaky Wednesday (or whatever day it is). You're liking the attention that you're getting & are feeding off of it, even if it's shocking & destructive. Get off the group and start thinking about what you're about to do before you do it. Put the vision of your husband & child into your mind and ask yourself how they would feel if you do whatever it is you're about to do. Then, act accordingly.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, you and your husband need to sit down together and talk about what each of you thinks are rational boundaries for your marriage. That should have happened before the two of you tied the knot, but as it apparently didn't, then you need to have that conversation now. Find out what he wants his marriage to look like. Let him know what you'd like your marriage to look like. See if you two can agree on a common vision. 

What is cheating? Is anything but actual PIV intercourse okay, or would something like oral sex be off-limits? How about making out - kissing, groping, etc.? Is sending out sexually explicit pictures of yourself okay? Would interacting online in a sexual way via web-cam or even just chat, with a member of the opposite sex, be cheating? Is having opposite sex friends that you spend time alone with acceptable? Is talking about your marital relationship and/or sex life with opposite sex friends okay? Is sharing the intimate and explicit details of your sexual relationship with others acceptable? Do either you believe that emotional affairs are actually cheating, and if so then what constitutes an emotional affair? 

There's a lot to be considered when two people try to enter into a long-term relationship. You and your husband need to get on the same page regarding the nature of your marriage. Or, if you two find that you cannot agree on a set of boundaries that's acceptable to you both, you may find it simply better to go ahead and cut your losses sooner rather than later. There's no real future in a marriage where fundamental beliefs regarding what constitutes monogamy, and infidelity, are incompatible.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hendrix said:


> At that time, he said he was worried about what else I'd do if I got bored.


Given your actions, I don't blame him.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

So basically, you receive d!c p!cs, sign up for kinky sh!t and bad mouth his weight and sexual performance to another load of strangers. Way to go.



Hendrix said:


> Yeah... *that was the reason I gave* for posting the Whisper convo online. But after I said it it sounded kind of dumb. At that time, he said he was worried about what else I'd do if I got bored.


So what was the real reason?

I'd have left you after the d!c p!c and fought for primary care.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hendrix said:


> someone in the FB group posted a short video about a woman who was involved in financial domination or findom. She basically made her living by having men send her money. I did some minimal research and opened a new FetLife account to try it out. I only made contact with one person but it didn't get anywhere.


Was this an idea for you to make some money also? 

Are you struggling financially since having the baby and not working? 


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

TAM2013 said:


> So basically, you receive d!c p!cs, sign up for kinky sh!t and bad mouth his weight and sexual performance to another load of strangers. Way to go.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


1. You're a **** who can't read. The reason was boredom, like I said. Also, I didn't ask for the **** pic, the guy sent it to me without permission just like any other online *********. Any other woman can vouch that they've gotten some type of unwanted photo or message.

2. There's nothing wrong with signing up for kinky **** if that's what you're into.

3. I never "badmouthed his weight and sexual performance" just cause I said I went to a website. The name of the forum is "obese husbands and sexless marriages" that doesn't mean I think my marriage is sexless. If you have to know -- third trimester pregnancy, a caesarean, and recovery has made it uncomfortable for me to have sex.


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## Hendrix (May 17, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> Was this an idea for you to make some money also?
> 
> Are you struggling financially since having the baby and not working?
> 
> ...


Yes, it was just an idea. We're not really struggling. I make decent money at my job. I just wanted something extra. My work schedule doesn't allow me to get a normal part time job.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

You said they were lame. And I'm just telling it how many (including him) see it, OP.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Hendrix said:


> 2. There's nothing wrong with signing up for kinky **** if that's what you're into.
> .



Respectfully, this is a very big assumption to make and is likely the main reason why you find yourself asking advice about the situation you in which you currently find yourself...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hendrix said:


> Yes, it was just an idea. We're not really struggling. I make decent money at my job. I just wanted something extra. My work schedule doesn't allow me to get a normal part time job.


Are you currently working at a job? 

Men don't give women money for nothing on these sites, do they? 

I'm sure that you would have to do something. Are you interested in that whole fetishism area or is it just about money and a little excitement of attention? 

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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Edo Edo said:


> Hendrix said:
> 
> 
> > 2. There's nothing wrong with signing up for kinky **** if that's what you're into.
> ...


Especially if you don't clear it with the husband first.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If this is the kind of crap you like to do, you have no business being married. Honestly I dont understand why your H didnt kick your butt out after the dic pic debacle. Get your priorities straight.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

First, you need to start thinking like you're married. Every decision, from the small to large, impacts your husband and your relationship because you guys are a team. So, you need to start THINKING before you act. It sounds like you might be a little impulsive. Before you hit SEND or SUBMIT or CREATE ACCOUNT, stop and think how this will impact your husband. Is this behavior disrespectful or unloving to him and/or our relationship? Why do I want to do this? What are the possible consequences of this action? Will my husband be hurt by this?

You also sound bored. You need to find something productive and worthwhile to do with your time. Find a playgroup, so you can be around people. Take up a hobby, or find projects around your home that could be done. Figure out how to occupy your time so you're not bored.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What you're describing sounds pretty unusual for most marriages. Marriages come in all different flavors, but the key to a long-term marriage is that both people are in sync. What you're doing is not done very often by a married person, but it could be okay if your H was okay with it--which he's not.

If you want your marriage to last, you both *must* compromise so that you're both happy. It cannot be that you do whatever you want and he just has to deal with it (and the same for him). The path you are on does not have much chance for long term success. The more frustrated your H is about this stuff, the more likely he'll do something you won't like. And for you, there's a big chance you'll get tempted by someone giving you attention at just the right time.

You may be able to come to an understanding with your H about this stuff, but I feel it's much more likely you'll have to change to act more typical of someone who's in a marriage if you want it to last.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Poor decisions and making excuses. To me, you are cheating. Why are you married if you still want to participate in this behavior?


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Many people consider any form of sexual interaction online to be a form of cheating.


I'm one of them. If you came here posting that your husband had done this, I'd recommend letting him know in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and he needs to stop hurting you if he wants to stay married to you.

It sounds like you're lonely and possibly battling PPD? I'd look for a Mom's group or similar and put your energy into healthy activities/hobbies. Working out can be highly beneficial for managing feelings of isolation and loneliness, and even depression if your hormones are imbalanced (and many new moms struggle with this). What about joining a gym with quality childcare? I did this after we had our second and it was one of the best years of my life. I made friendships with other moms, my older child was able to play with the other preschoolers, and my infant was on premises so I could nurse him as needed. The facility was immaculate and they had a sauna and steam. It was a wonderful time and I felt very fortunate every day to be able to go for an hour and a half and spend the rest of the day playing with and caring for my children. It got us out too, so we often would pack a lunch and hit the nearby park afterwards.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

If you find yourself constantly making poor choices on all these online social media sites, I do believe it's time for you to unplug yourself from the online world and plug yourself into your Husband, child and the real world. 



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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hendrix said:


> I don't think he does... I'd never go and have and actually have an affair though. I really do love my husband.


So how do you like all the time he spends flirting with women online? Does it make you feel good? Special? Wanting to please him?

What? You mean he doesn't flirt with other women? Why do you think that is?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hendrix said:


> 1. You're a **** who can't read. The reason was boredom, like I said.


Boredom is a fair reason to talk to other men online? Are you trying to say that because the man is online and not your nextdoor neighbor, it's ok?



Hendrix said:


> Also, I didn't ask for the **** pic, the guy sent it to me without permission just like any other online *********. Any other woman can vouch that they've gotten some type of unwanted photo or message.


He did that RIGHT AFTER you said you'd do illegal stuff for money. Surely you aren't naive enough to think this wasn't your fault?



Hendrix said:


> 2. There's nothing wrong with signing up for kinky **** if that's what you're into.


So...it's cool for you to sign up for kinky sh*t BY YOURSELF? Without him? Please clarify.



Hendrix said:


> 3. I never "badmouthed his weight and sexual performance" just cause I said I went to a website.


So you went to that website and said how great it was that your husband was overweight? Please be honest with us.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> So basically, you receive d!c p!cs, sign up for kinky sh!t and bad mouth his weight and sexual performance to another load of strangers. Way to go.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah she sounds like a real prize.I would have dumped her the fine time she started talking to other guys.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Hendrix said:


> 1. You're a **** who can't read. The reason was boredom, like I said. Also, I didn't ask for the **** pic, the guy sent it to me without permission just like any other online *********. Any other woman can vouch that they've gotten some type of unwanted photo or message.
> 
> 2. There's nothing wrong with signing up for kinky **** if that's what you're into.
> 
> 3. I never "badmouthed his weight and sexual performance" just cause I said I went to a website. The name of the forum is "obese husbands and sexless marriages" that doesn't mean I think my marriage is sexless. If you have to know -- third trimester pregnancy, a caesarean, and recovery has made it uncomfortable for me to have sex.


OP,
You are simply immature. You are thinking like a child rather than an adult and that is conflicting with the adult body you are occupying and the position of wife and mother that you should be assuming. Instead of kinky ****, you should be into being the best wife and mother you can be for the sake of your marriage and your child. Suppose you consider how it would affect you if your H frequented a website forum called "obese wives and prostitution". Would that make you feel special.

You indicated that you love your H could you elaborate on how you treat those you do not care for? Perhaps it would benefit you to look for projects you can become involved with that could better your home, your marriage and your life. Take up art or macrame or knitting or whatever but leave the electronic cocaine alone. You cannot handle it so best to avoid it altogether. You are a wife and mother and if you want to remain one you should put more effort into that and less into kink. Good fortune.


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