# This will sound like a really weird "standing for my spouse story" but......



## ALK (5 mo ago)

Hi! So I am new here tonight. Not sure how to explain my situation. Husband went into a MLC 20 years ago after losing his BF, mom and dad all in a row. Definitely had affairs. Went form being an extremely involved Christian into our church and still believed in God, but was angry with Him. We have always maintained contact. We always were there for each other when needed. I have always sent him cards periodically letting him know that I was praying for him and thinking about him and that I hoped he is well. Just recently I had an emergency situation in which I needed to call him to locate something in the basement. This caused a conversation. I had not talked with him in 2 years. He has returned to church for these 2 years. Very remorseful. We have been taking on the phone for a few weeks. Out to eat. Movies takeout at my house. Strictly plutonic. No pressure. My concern is my husband suffers from depression. He works hard but has financial issues. I have financial issues as well but am on a good track to correcting those issues. I have an excellent long time job. He would never take or ask me for money. I have excellent insurance and he is on it as I am on his. I am considering as a DOWN THE ROAD POSSIBILTY to have him live with me. Not pushing the relationship necessarily but considering he has no one and I am that stability in his life. He is renting. Two can live cheaper than one right? No kids. I have never loved anyone else. I love him with all of my heart. I think we can be good for one another. Encouraging, etc. I AM NOT WANTING THIS TO HAPPEN TOMORROW. When the time is right. I would like to talk to my husband about this sometime soon. His depression concerns me. During our separation he did try to commit suicide and was almost successful .I worry that he will become suicidal once again over these financial worries. I was the only one with him in the hospital. This is why I would at least like to have this conversation with him now. To give him some hope for our future, Just as something to consider and think about for the future. As a possibility. No pressure. He has hinted at reconciliation, but is concerned because of how much he has hurt me. I am extremely forgiving. Twenty years and a strong faith in God has worked wonders for me. * All opinions and thoughts as well as prayers would be greatly appreciated! *


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oooh, big red flag that he has been suicidal. Did he go into therapy or commit himself? He needs to. 

How will you feel about it if you become roommates and he starts (or continues) dating other women? Because you must know that is a real possibility.


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## ALK (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Oooh, big red flag that he has been suicidal. Did he go into therapy or commit himself? He needs to.
> 
> How will you feel about it if you become roommates and he starts (or continues) dating other women? Because you must know that is a real possibility.


Yes! He did do therapy. However that was sometime ago. Not seeing this all happening right now. I see clear boundaries and many conversations. Time together and trust being built first. Remember. It has been 20 years. I am not the same young person I was. I am much older and very certain about what I will and will not accept in a relationship. I am very certain that therapy is needed for him. Trying to choose correct times for these conversations to be had. I see it like peeling an onion I guess. One layer at a time. I am very realistic. I think being older I definitely see things differently. I am also stronger in my faith now. Continuing to follow Gods lead in this.

*Your comments are definitely valid and I appreciate the reminder to see things how they really are. Definitely need to keep my head in the game right??*


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ALK said:


> Yes! He did do therapy. However that was sometime ago. Not seeing this all happening right now. I see clear boundaries and many conversations. Time together and trust being built first. Remember. It has been 20 years. I am not the same young person I was. I am much older and very certain about what I will and will not accept in a relationship. I am very certain that therapy is needed for him. Trying to choose correct times for these conversations to be had. I see it like peeling an onion I guess. One layer at a time. I am very realistic. I think being older I definitely see things differently. I am also stronger in my faith now. Continuing to follow Gods lead in this.
> 
> *Your comments are definitely valid and I appreciate the reminder to see things how they really are. Definitely need to keep my head in the game right??*


Yes. Keep your head in the game. Pay attention to actions, not words. Maybe go to counseling together if needed. Keep us posted about what happens!

Also, be sure you know what contributed to his former actions. We get a lot of people who have problems from mainly the husband getting addicted to p*** which changes their perspective and expectations and just generally causes a lot of problems. He could have some other thing going on, some addiction or anything, But be sure you know what was motivating him when he was becoming out of control.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Are you looking for a way to avoid facing your husband doesn't love you anymore? It doesn't sound to me he is fighting for you. You seem to come up with reasons why he needs you, because he is lonely. Even if he is lonely, it doesn't mean he wants to be with you to be honest. And I doubt playing his caretaker will make him fall in love with you again or whatever you're trying to achieve. Do you believe he tried to commit suicide because of your seperation besides his other losts? I am not so sure. Did he tried to get you back before he attempted? What about yourself? You are mainly talking about him and his needs. I read once on TAM:_ 'STOP BEING HIS MOTHER'. _ Men lose interest in their wifes if they care too much. Can you relate to this? I mean that you were always taking care of him in your marriage? Did you still have a sexlive before you seperated? I am wondering if you have a sexual interest in him at all. You don't say anything like this in your post. He cheated on you? Most people worry and want to know why they've been betrayed and lose confidence. You don't seem to. Is he looking for something you're not providing (anymore)?


ALK said:


> This is why I would at least like to have this conversation with him now. To give him some hope for our future, Just as something to consider and think about for the future. As a possibility. No pressure.


 Strange way of thinking. Really strange.


ALK said:


> He has hinted at reconciliation, but is concerned because of how much he has hurt me.


 Did he really? Did he ever fought to get you back? Even if he did hint on reconciliation, it sounds rather half-hearted. It is just... why are you so convinced that being with you would make him happy or help his depression??? Maybe your relationship was part of why he is unhappy? Maybe he likes you as a friend, but not in a romantic way anymore? If he doesn't come up with it more clearly why would you? You seem very confident and convinced of your-self being what he needs. It sounds almost you know better then him and only you need to tell him, because he doesn't know what's good for him. It is like you're playing sinner and saint. Your the saint and if you keep being nice he'll come back in remorse and loves you. Nevertheless, I am right or wrong. *You shouldn't offer yourself to him yet or at all. He cheated, he needs to fight for you, if he wants you back. *


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you talk about how you still love him , 
do you see your self ever making love to him if you get back together 
he has hinted at reconciliation , 
Reconciliation is a long way off love , 
you have learned and will not jump into anything , but do you think he has learned from his past


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Is there any reason why neither of you instigated a divorce?
It doesn't sound to me that he has made any real effort to sort himself out or improve himself. 
Personally I wouldn't go back to his mess again, especially after he had multiple affairs. I couldn't trust him. 
You can still have contact if you really want to, but at a distance.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t see why it’s going to work. He’s still got issues. You’re lonely and he’s broke. That’s no reason to go back in time when he’s mistreated and disrespected you in the past - no matter that it’s been a long time.

some relationships shouldn’t be revisited.


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