# Should you do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking for their credit report?



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking them for their credit report? Would you feel offended if you were the one being checked out or asked for this information?

Thoughts?

Maybe these questions came to mind because I recently watched The Tinder Swindler on Netflix? I don't _think_ that guy had a prior record though, but he went to jail so he should have one now.

Editing to add: This post is for discussion purposes. I'm not asking the questions to seek advice.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

so_sweet said:


> Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking them for their credit report? Would you feel offended if you were the one being checked out or asked for this information?
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> Maybe these questions came to mind because I recently watched The Tinder Swindler on Netflix? I don't _think_ that guy had a prior record though, but he went to jail so he should have one now.


Ask for whatever you want. If he doesn't like it, screw him. Or don't screw him. You know what I mean. 

Seriously, background check? Absolutely.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Honestly, if I met someone and had a feeling I needed to do a background check, that to me is enough of a red flag to say no thank you and walk away. And if someone did that to me, also, no thank you. If you can meet me and think you need to run a credit check, or you have in the past been with women with whom such a thing was necessary, then we are ill-suited and should part with no hard feelings and no further contact. That is drama I do NOT need.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> If he doesn't like it, screw him. Or don't screw him. You know what I mean.


Okay, that literally made me laugh out loud!


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Absolutely 💯! This should be the rule of thumb with anyone you bring into your life


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

so_sweet said:


> Okay, that literally made me laugh out loud!


LOL. It's about time someone picked up on one of my lame attempts at humor.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Honestly, if I met someone and had a feeling I needed to do a background check, that to me is enough of a red flag to say no thank you and walk away. And if someone did that to me, also, no thank you. If you can meet me and think you need to run a credit check, or you have in the past been with women with whom such a thing was necessary, then we are ill-suited and should part with no hard feelings and no further contact. That is drama I do NOT need.


I was giving this some thought but I would have to concur with this.

I've never done it and can't think of a situation where I would need to.

I'm likely to not be single unless I live so long my dating days would be gone anyway, but I vett people enough to trust someone that has impressed me enough to marry.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> unless I live so long my dating days would be gone anyway


I think being really old might be the best time to date. Neither one would remember why the other pissed them off!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's a no from me. It wouldn't enter my head to do that and if I felt I needed to then as has been said that is a red flag in itself.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If I'm into a woman enough to marry her I couldn't care less about her credit report or criminal background.

She killed her last boyfriend? Hide all the knives and sleep with one eye open. Spends too much money? Keep her on a budget. No problem is unsolvable when every fiber of your being is drawn to someone. 

Also if you pay close attention you should be able to spot garbage like the Tinder Swindler in short order so no, I see no reason at all.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If I was in a relationship and felt like I needed a background check, that would probably be a sign that it's time to exit the relationship. 

_However_, I have children and it would probably be the smart move for my peace of mind as well as my hypothetical XW. I would absolutely want one from my hypothetical XW and any partner she found, based on her past pickings, so it's only fair. 

I wouldn't judge someone for getting one. Their past is probably a good reason why they feel the need for it. If I were asked for one, I don't think I'd mind unless the woman was suspicious of me for no reason. 

As for a credit check, absolutely. I think that topic would come up naturally though, and there would likely be signs if they had present credit issues.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Since you asked -

Dating should last long enough such that you get to know each other and the natural progression would be to suss out each others history.

If you still have reservations - you should be reading the tea leaves and seeing something suspicious. 
If a devious discussion cannot elicit the information your gut is talking to you about - then I would allay my fears with one of the on-line "search all pubic information available" web sites and find out about your prospective partner. If you are really smart - maybe a PI too if lots of assets involved in combining your
households

Just to get the feel - investigate yourself! Fee isn't very much. 

A friend of mine "fell for" a guy - some people who know him and her advised her to "look under the rugs carefully." She did one of those services and "holy xxxx!" guy had a dozen criminal charges some convictions. Horrible driving record and a credit score under 500 - deadbeat. Well known by his peers
as a lazy-AXX person to boot.

And the kicker? She MARRIED him anyway! 

And the next kicker - She couldn't change him and is divorcing him after six years. She wasted several years of her "prime of life" she is 36 now - and a walking wounded. 

Good part in the mess is she at least was properly informed and took the gamble. 

To check or not to check? for the love of all that matters - INFORM yourself before getting tangled up and
follow your BRAIN - not your hormones.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse?


Absolutely! It wouldn't hurt to do one before things get too serious,


----------



## Ladyrare (Aug 30, 2021)

It can actually be a deal breaker, so you should ask whatever you want. 

Now if I am the one who is being checked, I won't be offended tbh, I would understand instead.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking them for their credit report? Would you feel offended if you were the one being checked out or asked for this information?
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> ...


Absolutely do a background check.
Just keep your existing finances separate and make sure that your names are both on anything you buy together.

Just be sure you know them well enough before you get married that you know if they are paying their bills on time and that sort of thing which is really easy to notice.

And don't marry someone if they're spending habits and yours are greatly different. Like if he seems to live well beyond his means or seems to have to have every new man toy that comes out whether it's a watch or a car or a boat, proceed with extreme caution. 

I know a woman who really got herself in a bunch of financial problems because her husband just kept buying large items he couldn't afford and eventually because she was married to him she was also responsible. She had a divorce him to make that Carnage stop and then she kind of stayed with him once they were not married and she was not responsible for his crap.

Probably the most common problem is that people live beyond their means by a whole lot and carry a lot of debt.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Absolutely do a background check.
> Just keep your existing finances separate and make sure that your names are both on anything you buy together.
> 
> Just be sure you know them well enough before you get married that you know if they are paying their bills on time and that sort of thing which is really easy to notice.
> ...


Such great advice! 
I can kind of relate to the woman you know, except I had to put stuff under my name when my ex-husband couldn't due to his credit, things like a bank loan, credit cards and co-signing for a car. When we separated, he continued to make his car payments, but he didn't pay a cent for all the other debt and my credit score went down the toilet. 

I worked hard to get my credit back up and I think it was about three years later that I financed a new car. Getting the car was a HUGE deal to me at the time for so many reasons! It helped me believe in myself after that horrible marriage. 

The salesperson gave me a "Sold" sign to hold and took a picture of me next to the car. I have that photo framed sitting on a shelf in my home office. If I ever have self-doubt and feel like I can't acheive a goal, I look at that picture and know that I can.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> Such great advice!
> I can kind of relate to the woman you know, except I had to put stuff under my name when my ex-husband couldn't due to his credit, things like a bank loan, credit cards and co-signing for a car. When we separated, he continued to make his car payments, but he didn't pay a cent for all the other debt and my credit score went down the toilet.
> 
> I worked hard to get my credit back up and I think it was about three years later that I financed a new car. Getting the car was a HUGE deal to me at the time for so many reasons! It helped me believe in myself after that horrible marriage.
> ...


That just sucks, but you made a good comeback. I know someone right now who's having to incur more than her share of expenses because of something that was completely not within her own control. I don't know how it's going to come out.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That just sucks, but you made a good comeback. I know someone right now who's having to incur more than her share of expenses because of something that was completely not within her own control. I don't know how it's going to come out.


You know it doesn't cost much to do those little background checks. And if you are actively dating, you might just do a subscription for a while so you can run anybody you want to. 

Sometimes you can just Google and find things out but it really depends on the municipality they live in and whether they make information public or not. Like we don't really do that public information where I live but yet when I got in a car wreck with someone and I googled them I found a page where they had been convicted of child molestation. And I had a car wreck with them in a school zone. So sometimes something will just come up. 


When I was looking for an old flame of mind 20 years ago when the internet was very undeveloped, I found his resume online as well as a couple of DUI notices. Because that City just published that type stuff.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> That just sucks, but you made a good comeback. I know someone right now who's having to incur more than her share of expenses because of something that was completely not within her own control. I don't know how it's going to come out.


Thanks!
That's awful about what's happening to the person you know. I hope that it works out for her.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> I worked hard to get my credit back up and I think it was about three years later that I financed a new car. Getting the car was a HUGE deal to me at the time for so many reasons! It helped me believe in myself after that horrible marriage.
> 
> The salesperson gave me a "Sold" sign to hold and took a picture of me next to the car. I have that photo framed sitting on a shelf in my home office. If I ever have self-doubt and feel like I can't acheive a goal, I look at that picture and know that I can.


There is NOTHING better for your self-esteem than independence and self-reliance.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> Thanks!
> That's awful about what's happening to the person you know. I hope that it works out for her.


Thank you. I'm staying in weekly contact with her to support and help any way I can. She has such a busy schedule and as having to deal with so much that she has trouble even finding time to Google stuff to find out how to do it.


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Thank you. I'm staying in weekly contact with her to support and help any way I can. She has such a busy schedule and as having to deal with so much that she has trouble even finding time to Google stuff to find out how to do it.


DownByTheRiver, it sounds like you have a heart of gold and I'm sure your helpfulness is really appreciated by that person.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

so_sweet said:


> DownByTheRiver, it sounds like you have a heart of gold and I'm sure your helpfulness is really appreciated by that person.


Thanks. She's like a sister to me. She is a real good-hearted person and, you know, sometimes people like that can't even imagine how bad some people can be.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I have a split mind on the question of background check.

For the most part, I agree with the "No Way" crowd and think that's probably the wiser approach. If you think you need one...it's not right for you.

However, I know myself.
I tend to be a bit on the paranoid side sometimes... credit my upbringing and life events... so I'm a little broken in this area.

So I see the path where I'm totally head over heels but something is bugging me about SO.

I _think_ (but not certain) I might be ok with a background check to calm my own brokenness, rather than throwing away a good thing and hurting someone else unnecessarily.

I don't know...tough question and an impossible scenario for me I think.

@so_sweet If you keep asking all these tough questions I'm gonna have to ignore you so that I don't have to actually think beyond my own box.


----------



## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Dating is a background check. If you can't talk about stuff like this, or get any sort of vibe from their family and/or friends they keep, you shouldn't be getting married.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

so_sweet said:


> Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking them for their credit report? Would you feel offended if you were the one being checked out or asked for this information?
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> ...


If someone has to go to these lengths prior to marriage in my humble opinion they have not gotten to know their potential spouse very well.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I watched that show too (“Tinder Swindler”) and the main problem to me, was that the women he attracted seemed too willing to give him money without really knowing him. I don’t think he’s in jail right now, and I think they said at the end that he’s back on Tinder.


----------



## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I think asking for a background check is a sign that you don't fully trust the person. It would be a bit offensive to me if a love interest was asking for a background check.

As far as a credit check, I couldn't care less about their credit report or score. I have no idea about mine and haven't checked mine in ten years. I don't use credit anymore. The last time I used it was for a mortgage ten years ago.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I do backgrounds on every guy I go on more than one date with, if I can find out their last name that is. You wouldn't believe the stuff that comes up at times. Most of them are clean though. The one thing that won't show up and is what I consider very important is mental health issues lol! Can't do a crazy guy check.

So by the time I've been with someone long enough to consider marriage, which hasn't happened, I'll already know everything there is to know. Usually within the first week.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think some sort of background check should have been done long before talk of marriage comes up. It doesn't have to be a fully formal thing but you should search the internet, verify what you are being told, meet friends & family. Heck, I used to play a game early on in dating called "let's compared driver's license photos" under the guise that they are always terrible. I didn't really care about the photo. I wanted to see the address & license # to make sure. 

I am also a big believer in pre-nuptial agreements. Marriage is about love but divorce is about money. Having the tough conversations before you tie the knot when you are in love & happy is much better than trying to figure this out when you are at each other throats. Significant credit issues have to be disclosed as part of that process. Some financial conversations should have happened prior. By keeping your eyes open & talking as part of the get to know you process, there should not be surprises by the time you get to an engagement.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

For young people thinking about matrimony, it is imperative to have some of those 'uncomfortable' conversations that simply don't cross your radar when in the flush of new love. Like discovering the man or woman you just married has over 80K in student debt, and another 60 between car and credit cards. And no job. Or maybe paying attention to the fact that your partner or soon to be spouse has 3 failed marriages already behind them. That kind of stuff ... 🧐


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Not said:


> The one thing that won't show up and is what I consider very important is mental health issues lol! Can't do a crazy guy check.


You have to develop your own spidey senses for that.


----------



## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I wouldn't hold failed marriages against a woman nowadays. There's so many dud men out there it's shocking if she doesn't have at least one divorce under her belt. And I have more respect if she's willing to get rid of a dud rather than jump through all kind of hoops and misery to keep him.

Also, with the average wedding cost being 30k, whether it's credit card debt or something else you get to pay one way or another. I'd much rather die after years of hot, passionate sex with the woman of my dreams than be buried in a gold plated coffin. And luckily for me I married her. 😍 (And she had no credit card debt by the way).


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

gaius said:


> Also, with the average wedding cost being 30k


Holy moly… really? When did this happen?
I‘m older than I thought I guess… that’s depressing.

Yet another reason to never do that again!


----------



## aphroditie (May 23, 2018)

Definitely unless you know them and their family for years. subscribe to checking site on the internet briefly and drop the membership before maybe one month. or Join longer. There are too many bad people out there mining the internet or just living in your city. Don't be stupid so ever tell them!!! I think its 30% of all men have affairs/affair, so stay interesting and check their bank accounts, e mails and social media account. Less women do but some do. I am a senior citizen and quite decent looking and still pretty sexy. I sure as hell don't trust any social medias impact on my husband. Married 50 years. You would be surprised about who and what is on social media. Social media designed to be addictive and it is.




so_sweet said:


> Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking them for their credit report? Would you feel offended if you were the one being checked out or asked for this information?
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> ...


y


----------



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

aphroditie said:


> Definitely unless you know them and their family for years. subscribe to checking site on the internet briefly and drop the membership before maybe one month. or Join longer. There are too many bad people out there mining the internet or just living in your city. Don't be stupid so ever tell them!!! I think its 30% of all men have affairs/affair, so stay interesting and check their bank accounts, e mails and social media account. Less women do but some do. I am a senior citizen and quite decent looking and still pretty sexy. I sure as hell don't trust any social medias impact on my husband. Married 50 years. You would be surprised about who and what is on social media. Social media designed to be addictive and it is.
> 
> 
> 
> y


Congratulations on being married 50 years! That is a beautiful thing.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

When my one of my daughters was in college, she had a boyfriend we really liked. He was a sharp guy. We sensed they were getting serious. We did a background check on him. There was a warrant for his arrest for chopping cars. "It's all a mistake", he said. It wasn't a mistake.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sfort said:


> When my one of my daughters was in college, she had a boyfriend we really liked. He was a sharp guy. We sensed they were getting serious. We did a background check on him. There was a warrant for his arrest for chopping cars. "It's all a mistake", he said. It wasn't a mistake.


The mistake was showing up thinking you were going to let him marry your daughter. 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Ya know, there are so many people out there who don't tell the whole story. I didn't do a background check on my hubby before we got married but if he wanted to do one on me that wouldn't have bothered me a bit. You can never be too careful, sometimes it's easy to trust an untrustworthy person.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> Do you think it's smart to do a criminal background check on a potential spouse? How about asking them for their credit report? Would you feel offended if you were the one being checked out or asked for this information?
> 
> Thoughts?
> 
> ...


I think that long before you marry someone, when you first start dating them is the time to do a background check. We no longer live in small communities where people know each other or know someone who knows this new person in their lives. And keep in mind that a lot of people meet online these days.

Last year, a friend of mine, she's an RN living in California, was dating a guy. She initially met him online. She was crazy about him. She called me and told me about something odd he said. I asked her to send me his photo and any info she had on him. I found him. He was using a fake name and identity and the entire life story he gave her is a lie. He's married. He's a wealthy real estate investor. She lives in LA area. He lives in San Francisco. But he told her that he lives in New York and was able to keep up that lie for the better part of a year. She did call him and confronted him with the info I gave her. Caught... he admitted that he lied. She was heartbroken and no longer uses dating sites.

It's far too easy for con-men/women to pull off stuff like this today.

Now about the credit report. I am also aware of people who were totally shocked when months, even a few years, after marriage they found out that their spouse had been hiding all sorts of debt. And they kept adding to the debt after marriage so their spouse was also responsible for it.

So, yea, I think that checking the credit report is important before marriage. A lot of marriage is sort of a business deal where the couple joins their income, assets, and debt. Discussions about how they will handle finances after they marry is one of those discussions everyone should have before they marry. My take on it is for both people to bring their credit reports, be open about their financial situation and then the couple works out how they will handle their finances after marriage.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I don't want to do a background check. I don't care where they come from as much as where we go. 

Doing a background check is a surefire way to make certain that you WONT see them as they are.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You can’t even get a job now without a background check at most larger companies. I think it’s probably a good idea, especially for women with regards to safety.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A background check is a great idea. There is seldom such a thing as too much information. A good person likely doesn’t have anything to hide. I had to do background checks every once in a while in my capacity as a secretary for my fraternity. Not a big deal. Why not? Lots of people are con artists and can hide themselves for a while. Why not get at least part of the scoop early before getting attached?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think asking for a background check is a sign that you don't fully trust the person. It would be a bit offensive to me if a love interest was asking for a background check.
> 
> As far as a credit check, I couldn't care less about their credit report or score. I have no idea about mine and haven't checked mine in ten years. I don't use credit anymore. The last time I used it was for a mortgage ten years ago.


You should. It’s a huge indication of how responsible a person is.


----------



## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

To be honest, if I met someone and had the impression that I needed to conduct a background check, that is enough of a red flag for me to say no thanks and walk away. And if someone did that to me, I'd say no way. Really, a background check? Absolutely.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

williejaytstrong said:


> Better to be safe than sorry later. Along with a criminal background check there needs to be a character background check with someone he/she been with in the last 5 years. Also I would get a private detective to see if he/she was cheating; people cheat too much these days; cheating is destroying our world: IT IS TIME FOR US TO CHANGE
> A.
> We need to stop whoremongering (cheating, preying on others for sex … and being with people for only money.). Plus stop teaching to be whoremongers in songs.
> 
> ...


Don't think that's a good way to determine if someone is going to cheat or not. Cheaters are a type sure, but furthermore anyone is still capable of it. 
You mitigate the risk by following your instincts when choosing your partners, following your instincts regardless of trust, and maintaining healthy boundaries.


----------

