# Sex and emotion



## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

My wife says she doesn't get the emotional tie to sex. She doesn't get why I feel closer to her and says she would never have sex for an emotional reason. This broke my heart as I feel so emotionally vulnerable and close to her when we have sex. I thought she felt the same. She says it's weird that people do it out of love and doesn't believe that anyone ever does. That it's purely lust and biological instinct. To quote her "why does you putting your penis in me show me you love me?" help! My heart is broken I thought we had something special.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I'd ask her what kinds of things/actions that you do for her show her that you love her? Do you understand why those things do?


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> I'd ask her what kinds of things/actions that you do for her show her that you love her? Do you understand why those things do?


Oh absolutely I get it. When I pay close attention to her feelings when I'm responsible when intake her advice when I respect her and when I express my opinion. All of those thing show I care about her because it shows that I know what matters to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

matman said:


> My wife says she doesn't get the emotional tie to sex. She doesn't get why I feel closer to her and says she would never have sex for an emotional reason. This broke my heart as I feel so emotionally vulnerable and close to her when we have sex. I thought she felt the same. She says it's weird that people do it out of love and doesn't believe that anyone ever does. That it's purely lust and biological instinct. To quote her "why does you putting your penis in me show me you love me?" help! My heart is broken I thought we had something special.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't show her that you love her. Being open to you sexually shows YOU that she loves you.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

matman said:


> Oh absolutely I get it. When I pay close attention to her feelings when I'm responsible when intake her advice when I respect her and when I express my opinion. All of those thing show I care about her because it shows that I know what matters to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great. You asked her specifically and this is what she told you?


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Whether or not she loves me is somewhat up in the air. We were speaking as if she did though. I want sex to be for both of us I don't want her to do it for me. I want her to want me because if how she feels about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> Great. You asked her specifically and this is what she told you?


Yes I did
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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

matman said:


> Whether or not she loves me is somewhat up in the air. We were speaking as if she did though. I want sex to be for both of us I don't want her to do it for me. I want her to want me because if how she feels about me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she's letting you, she wants you. Would you like her to tell you that? Could it be you're being a bit insecure about this "wanting her to want you?"


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> It doesn't show her that you love her. Being open to you sexually shows YOU that she loves you.


This is the point you need to make. You as a person find closeness and intimacy when you have sex with your wife. You receive love from her via sex. She receives it in other way (deep talks, gifts, whatever). The point is that neither way is superior, but is just the way it is.

Also, ask her if this is the case, does she believe in sex outside the marriage? If not, why?


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is the point you need to make. You as a person find closeness and intimacy when you have sex with your wife. You receive love from her via sex. She receives it in other way (deep talks, gifts, whatever). The point is that neither way is superior, but is just the way it is.
> 
> Also, ask her if this is the case, does she believe in sex outside the marriage? If not, why?


 Ha! Good point. My point is though I don't like things done just for me. I want it to be for us. I have a high sex drive and feel a lot of love and emotion through sex. But if she's just having sex for me not because she wants to I don't want it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

matman said:


> Ha! Good point. My point is though I don't like things done just for me. I want it to be for us. I have a high sex drive and feel a lot of love and emotion through sex. But if she's just having sex for me not because she wants to I don't want it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she's having sex for you she's showing you that your needs matter to her and she wants to give you that


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> If she's having sex for you she's showing you that your needs matter to her and she wants to give you that


We have sex once a month roughly and she always blows it off to that her body was just ovulating and wanted sex. I.e it's just biological.
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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This all seems to go back to: I love you but, I'm not "in love" with you. Am I reading this right? 

I believe when you are "in love" there are emotions connected with the act. When you do it cause you want to please the spouse, you really don't want to do it but, "it's the right thing to do". 

Am I off base?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

matman said:


> Ha! Good point. My point is though I don't like things done just for me. I want it to be for us. I have a high sex drive and feel a lot of love and emotion through sex. But if she's just having sex for me not because she wants to I don't want it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can't change her. If she does not receive love that way, then you are stuck with sex once a month. You need to work on accepting that she loves you enough to give you sex. That is a good thing. By accepting it, and taking the pressure off her having to want it, you may find that she is free to actually want it more (that is what happened to my wife).

Also, take a look at the Married Man's Sex Life book. Don't let the title fool you - it is really about you improving as a man and working on the things that make you more attractive. Not fool proof, but definitely some things that work well (again, this helped us).


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Perhaps I should have asked if you were unhappy about the frequency of sex in your relationship as this is what this thread is coming down to. You want it more than she does?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

well love is a feeling i suppose one could state that it does not really exist. Faith in something does not mean it truly exists 


Anyhow i would be really sad and shocked to hear that. I am surprised you did not know she felt this way about sex before marrying her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

matman said:


> My wife says she doesn't get the emotional tie to sex. She doesn't get why I feel closer to her and says she would never have sex for an emotional reason. This broke my heart as I feel so emotionally vulnerable and close to her when we have sex. I thought she felt the same. She says it's weird that people do it out of love and doesn't believe that anyone ever does. That it's purely lust and biological instinct. To quote her "why does you putting your penis in me show me you love me?" help! My heart is broken I thought we had something special.


If I felt this way, my husband would be the most sorrowful man..it would devestate him... sensitive men feel as you....

I can't say I understand how a women doesn't feel at least a measure of this in your intimate moments, do you feel it has been something she has been taught ? I doubt a man who feels as strongly as yourself would be expressing "objectifying" behavior to his wife, or aggressive selfish tendencies. 

This article attempts to explain how a man feels loved through sex/ Love making.... if she would be willing to read some insight : 

Sex Is an Emotional Need -


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If I felt this way, my husband would be the most sorrowful man..it would devestate him... sensitive men feel as you....
> 
> I can't say I understand how a women doesn't feel at least a measure of this in your intimate moments, do you feel it has been something she has been taught ? I doubt a man who feels as strongly as yourself would be expressing "objectifying" behavior to his wife, or aggressive selfish tendencies.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If I felt this way, my husband would be the most sorrowful man..it would devestate him... sensitive men feel as you....
> 
> I can't say I understand how a women doesn't feel at least a measure of this in your intimate moments, do you feel it has been something she has been taught ? I doubt a man who feels as strongly as yourself would be expressing "objectifying" behavior to his wife, or aggressive selfish tendencies.
> 
> ...


I have severely damaged my marriage due to past behaviors (see previous posts to see what crappy person I am) and am currently paying the price with the abuse. I just guess I was hoping that because she agreed to stay that that meant shed be active in the marriage but I guessing I was wrong and that's heart breaking.
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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Yeah, it's usually supposed to be the other way around......

Don't take this the wrong way but, don't over-do the sappy/"our hearts are entwined when me make love" stuff. Women get turned off by that.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

matman said:


> I have severely damaged my marriage due to past behaviors (see previous posts to see what crappy person I am) and am currently paying the price with the abuse. I just guess *I was hoping that because she agreed to stay that that meant shed be active in the marriage* but I guessing I was wrong and that's heart breaking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From reading your first post on this forum I'm thinking that she had a brain snap moment when the DV incident occurred and she emotionally disconnected from you and probably stopped being in love with you. If you had been having issues prior to that, that incident could have been the final straw. From my point of view, she's just staying for the kids since it is not really 'normal' to not understand the emotional connection that sex brings. It sounds like she is being purposefully hurtful saying some of those things.

I say this from experience as I had a brain snap moment where I literally felt myself stop loving my husband after a big fight. I decided then that I didn't want to be intimate with him again after that, and we haven't been in many months. He really doesn't understand how the things he said to me in that fight just killed my feelings for him. 

You both really need to go to MC..if she doesn't want to I don't hold much hope of real reconciliation. My H thinks we have a perfect marriage so won't go to counciling which makes things very difficult to heal past hurts and our other issues. You don't deserve this continual abuse, you have taken action to better yourself, now she needs to start pulling her weight to heal the marriage. If she thought you would leave, do you think she would go to MC? Maybe you need to make a serious decision about not putting up with this anymore and be willing to leave for her to snap back to reality, or are you afraid she would be okay with that?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If I felt this way, my husband would be the most sorrowful man..it would devestate him... sensitive men feel as you....
> 
> I can't say I understand how a women doesn't feel at least a measure of this in your intimate moments, do you feel it has been something she has been taught ? I doubt a man who feels as strongly as yourself would be expressing "objectifying" behavior to his wife, or aggressive selfish tendencies.
> 
> ...


Great article. My H and I have had this very discussion and he has expressed these very feelings. I try to never reject him. And feel extremely connected to him thru sex. He is very open and willing to be vulnerable. A rare thing for him and I love it!

Matman- Your wife NEEDS to read this article. It really lays it all out there in explaining the true feelings of a man with regards to his need to be sexual with his wife. Some women really believe that all men want is sex, they truly dont understand the emotional need for them.

Also, can you give the bullets on the 'past behaviors' you refer to?


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

I am sad to say I relate w/ your wife & the cat got out of the bag this wkend. No, I never turn him down & do everything he wants sexually. But, my heart isn't in it. I love him, but am not IN love w/ him now. Many past hurts. I would love to be back in love & feel tingly when he touches me. Now I am slightly turned off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Yeah, it's usually supposed to be the other way around......
> 
> Don't take this the wrong way but, don't over-do the sappy/"our hearts are entwined when me make love" stuff. Women get turned off by that.



Uh, no. Maybe some women are turned off by that, but not all of us. If my husband were to actually take the time and say that exact sentence to me, my clothes would be off in seconds.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Have you apologized for the past behaviors? Have you been meeting her emotional needs? Have you been showing love to her outside of the bedroom?


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## matman (Aug 26, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> Have you apologized for the past behaviors? Have you been meeting her emotional needs? Have you been showing love to her outside of the bedroom?


Oh absolutely I've made amends with myself turned everything around and just got it on track. That's what's making this hard. I'm ready you know?
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## married14 (Sep 6, 2012)

Wow...I think that I have said the very same things your wife has said to you to my own husband! In fact, I found this thread by searching google (it did not lead me here directly) for "feeling emotionally disconnected during sex". Yesterday I was admiring him from afar and I suddenly decided I wanted to be intimate. I kissed him which is my way of letting him know what I want. We had a few minutes to play around while the baby was asleep and the boys were at school. I got very into it and once we stopped he asked me what had gotten into me? I said that I was probably ovulating which is true! This is most likely why my positive feelings toward him suddenly inspired me to initiate physical intimacy in the middle of the day! Later that night we continued and although I was very enthusiastic and so was he,I totally fizzled out during the act because I could not sustain a feeling of emotional intimacy and instead began to feel detached and analytical. In the past I may have interrupted everything to discuss my feelings but usually that does not facilitate more intimacy and in fact can lead to such hurt feelings on his part that he reacts with irritation and anger because he feels that I don't trust his intentions. I on the other hand do not necessarily distrust his intentions meaning that I think he only wants sex and that he has been manipulating me by being a "good boy" to get it but I do feel like he goes someplace else where I just don't go and I need to understand his feelings and my own feelings intellectually to follow him to the place of emotional contentment he so easily gets to; otherwise I feel alone during the whole act. It is really kind of an embarrassing position because rather than feeling sexually confident I begin to feel childish and insecure. The whole thing is mentally exhausting and I gladly give all the analysis up and just say...sex is motivated by biological processes and that is what is causing me to get all hot and bothered but that really only happens when I'm influenced by my bodies urge to reproduce.

In the past when I have been angry at my husband I have mentioned the fact that men use sex to fulfill their emotional needs without putting in any of the mental work to actually reach a place of emotional intimacy. Instead they do “good things” to show they are worthy and bypass actual mental discussion of the relationship. I have come to understand that men need sex to feel loved but I believe women do too but they need to reach a state of emotional intimacy through intellectual means first. Trusting the intentions of your partner is one way to get a place of emotional intimacy but for those of us with difficulty sustaining it there are deeper roots. We have to be able to figure out why we are not feeling it and we need partners who are able to let go of their own emotional insecurities and help us along that path.

I’m still trying to discover why I have this difficulty and my husband has yet to take my hand and say let’s figure this out together. I can only hope that someday he will


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

matman said:


> My wife says she doesn't get the emotional tie to sex. She doesn't get why I feel closer to her and says she would never have sex for an emotional reason. This broke my heart as I feel so emotionally vulnerable and close to her when we have sex. I thought she felt the same. She says it's weird that people do it out of love and doesn't believe that anyone ever does. That it's purely lust and biological instinct. To quote her "why does you putting your penis in me show me you love me?" help! My heart is broken I thought we had something special.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I never have understood that sex is just sex. I can see that attitude under some circumstances but not in a marriage.

Some say, women need to connect to have sex and and that men have sex to connect. Surely this varies as all things do.

The connect definitely includes emotions. Otherwise it is kinda masturbation in a vagina to me.

But I think it is a combination of feelings that ebb and flow. Not all sexual encounters are the same.

Not to get on a tangent, but this is partly why I think sex should be discussed prior to marriage ... 
These kind of things.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I feel like I'm unique amongst all the other responses posted here but for me sex is not particularly emotional. I find a deep kiss or heartfelt hug to be more emotional than sex.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I feel like I'm unique amongst all the other responses posted here but for me sex is not particularly emotional. I find a deep kiss or heartfelt hug to be more emotional than sex.


A deep kiss is very intimate. Many people can have sex readily but have difficulty with a deep kiss.

i.e. Athol's Ten Second Kiss


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think there could be "confusion " due to things not limited but such as I want to "make love to you " Im showign YOU my love and how much YOU mean to me and Im recieving (I think LOL0 love from YOU..IT is THAT meaningful to me so if you reject me and you wont do it I'll whack off to porn /hire a prostitute /..cheat on you or even divorce you ..THATS how much having sex with YOU means to me..


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