# Woman's behavior "why? return to this"



## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

I have a friend who was with a guy for a bit over 7 years. 

She started dating him a while back, he had a 5 year old,girl, she took on the mom role, she quit her college, she moved in, he was a drug taking, drinking guy, who did the minimal to keep her happy.

He had multiple affairs, treated her like luggage, known though out area as a real "winner" total a..hole...Always doing bad and wrong crap behind her back, crapped all over family and friends who continuously put a lot of effort in trying to help him, as one of them told me "we tried for 13 years and he showed no respect and **** all over us, we are done with him" 

She decided to leave after having a baby to "save" the relationship, (3 years old at this point) he lost it...She had a protection order, the whole bit, he wrecked her car, lots of other stupid ****. He ended up going to away (jail) for 9 months, now a few months after release and of course a changed and sober man.. 

I now appears that they are back together. 

Why would you put yourself and the kids he walked away and proved he did not care enough about to change his behavior before jail ..


Why would you go there and not move on?

Just curious.... It befuddles me.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't know why but I could share several stories of men going back to abusive women over and over so....I think sometimes people are just addicted to the drama.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't know why but I could share several stories of men going back to abusive women over and over so....I think sometimes people are just addicted to the drama.


Yes some certainly do.. the sad part of human nature. I wonder how we learn to live with drama like this in ones life.. Sad or so sad. I just feel sorry for the kids, how do you rationalize "dad" went to jail for destroying our home, going to jail and "now" he is better. 

Sure makes you look at people differently, I often wonder if this is related to socioeconomic groups, low self esteem or a combination of manipulation tactics.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

We get hard wired into it.

I am sure when you start a relationship, you don't think, I am going to be abuse and I will put up with it.

Some abuse victims want the love and acceptance of their abuser to validate them.

It is also a codependency issue.

If I love them enough, they will change.

Could be a multitude of issues.

The people that do return to their abuser needs help too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She is probably used to the dysfunction so much that it's her normal.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

There could be several reasons, she could have more than one reason too.

1. She was raised in a dysfunctional home and although she recognizes this is not "normal", it is normal to her.

2. Deep down, she is still attracted to him, that chemical attraction is very strong.

3. She is still young, even if she is 30, and can't see past the fact that he is her child's father. After all, isn't it best if a child is raised by their own parents, even if they aren't perfect?

4. She believes he really has changed and that he won't relapse.

5. She has really low self esteem, this has several reasons. She didn't finish college and her ability to be the bread winner is diminished. After years of abuse she doesn't feel like she is worth having a nice guy, etc., etc. etc.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

The common denominator of such relationships is low self-esteem.

The difference is that the dominant, abusive partner has a massive ego (or sense of entitlement) while the victim doesn't.

Strong people don't tolerate bullying so the bully needs somebody who feels worthless to stay with them and make them feel better.


The victim feels lucky to have anyone at all and sticks around cuz they think they can't make it on their own and nobody else will want them.

Many such relationships start off OK and might be fine for years until a 'stressor' intervenes. Once the dom/sub pattern is established it'll deteriorate to the nightmare scenarios we're all too familiar with.

Men are less likely to be physically hurt and are more reluctant to report DV/A,, but most research estimates that for every 10 female victims of these relationships there are 7 males.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> The common denominator of such relationships is low self-esteem.
> 
> The difference is that the dominant, abusive partner has a massive ego (or sense of entitlement) while the victim doesn't.
> 
> ...


Using this paradigm you make a "cheated on" spouse almost as if they are bullied, and the cheater is the "dominant" one. 

My belief is if you are cheated you have to remove the perception of dominance.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

AlphaProvider said:


> Using this paradigm you make a "cheated on" spouse almost as if they are bullied, and the cheater is the "dominant" one.
> 
> My belief is if you are cheated you have to remove the perception of dominance.


Given that I'm prone to enjoying semantics, I'm not sure I understand your point, beyond your dislike of the term 'dominant' being applied to a bully exerting force of will (or violence) over the weaker-willed (sub) partner.

We see it in this very OP - The dom' feeding his ego by cheating and the egoless sub' putting up with it,, along with the rest of his behaviour.

Cheating, while expecting or knowing a weaker partner will endure or rugsweep it, is abuse just like a smack in the face or verbal abuse.

Exerting strength, emotional or physical over another is to dominate them. The ying needs a yang. 

Abuser/abused

Dom/sub

Perp/victim

Plenty more of them. Take your pick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

FlyingD:

I can see you have no idea what a dom/sub relationship is.

What the OP has written about has no connection with a dom/sub relationship at all.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

I think you are talking about dom/sub S&M relationships. I am talking about dom/sub personalities - re: abusive relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> She is probably used to the dysfunction so much that it's her normal.


Valid point, I once had a friends daughter ask me why I treated her mom so nice... This was sort of off the wall for me.. We talked a bit about it and I told her that is how I treat everyone. 

She expressed that none of her mom's Ex's ever treated her like I did.. I was blown away as I did nothing out of the ordinary "my normal behavior" was very foreign to her.... This was "Normal" to me. Just living by the golden rule..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If people are pulled into a cycle of abuse during their childhood, from what I've read and seen, it's rare they break out of it. He picked her because she would take the abuse and not leave, though neither of them probably consciously thought about it.

He is all she knows, and she probably doesn't feel worthy of someone who'd treat her well. Probably wouldn't even know how to react to it.


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

Women return to these men because "they love them". I am an abuse survivor and it took me almost 2 years just to get up the courage to leave, and another 6 months for friends to convince me it was time. Even if she does leave him, she will suffer the affects of the abuse for many many years after. My relationship was almost 16 years ago and I still suffer from severe co-dependancy and low self esteem.

As for him changing in jail? Some people actually do change in jail, so until he goes back to the way he was before, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kresaera said:


> I am an abuse survivor and it took me almost 2 years just to get up the courage to leave, and another 6 months for friends to convince me it was time. Even if she does leave him, she will suffer the affects of the abuse for many many years after.


Spot on. They say a victim tries to leave their abuser on average 7 times before it sticks. Good for your for getting out.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Kresaera said:


> Women return to these men because "they love them". I am an abuse survivor and it took me almost 2 years just to get up the courage to leave, and another 6 months for friends to convince me it was time. Even if she does leave him, she will suffer the affects of the abuse for many many years after. My relationship was almost 16 years ago and I still suffer from severe co-dependancy and low self esteem.
> 
> As for him changing in jail? Some people actually do change in jail, so until he goes back to the way he was before, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.


Don't get me wrong, I really pray and hope this is true and it goes well, I am skeptical though... The DV thing is relativity new to me. 

I do have a friend she was, as she put it" I had 15 years of education" I was blown away I thought she had a PHD or at least a Masters... House paid off, car paid off, kids doing great in school, just about ready to retire, she is the most positive person I ever met... 

Her education was 15 of domestic violence, ex husband has put her in the hospital for over two weeks. he went to jail for 18 months...

I forgot to say she is only 39.... Wants to open a DV home in the area in the next few years and she will do it... 

...


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

breeze said:


> If people are pulled into a cycle of abuse during their childhood, from what I've read and seen, it's rare they break out of it. He picked her because she would take the abuse and not leave, though neither of them probably consciously thought about it.
> 
> He is all she knows, and she probably doesn't feel worthy of someone who'd treat her well. Probably wouldn't even know how to react to it.


This is exactly as one of our employees behavior exhibits. The "norm" is totally askew.. from what a healthy relationship is.


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