# Family at war.Marriage suffering Too what a mess :(



## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Hi ladies I'm after a bit of advice. 
i'm 21 weeks pregnant after ivf everything is really hard at the minute

There is a lot to this so I've tried to narrow it down a bit. Its very long* 
So I understand those that want to read and run..* 

Lots of family arguments are going on at the moment and I guess I'm asking for advice because I can't think straight recently. 

My sister is younger than me and has 4 children and twins due any day.
My sister is under the watch of social services due to various reasons, she married her husband 6 weeks after knowing him and a few months later they
were out drinking and he beat her up really badly* * He has a drink problem and previous domestic violence charges... A month later she is pregnant with twins by him….. Really Clever!* 

She has had her problems in the past drinking, drugs (all whilst pregnant) which as you can imagine struggling with conceiving my own child was very difficult for me to see her not appreciating her children. All she wanted to do was go out and party and would leave the children with anyone who'd babysit them. She is lazy, never worked a day on her life none of her children were planned and between the six there are at least three different dads
We are not close anymore as you can imagine! Haven't been for years.

My mum always runs around for her dropping her kids off at school picking them up, feeding them, clothing them and taking them to doctors hospital appointments etc

My mum has turned down invites to holidays etc because she has to be there for my sister. My mum and step dads marriage is so strained because of her, he thought he'd be enjoying time with my mum now we're all grown up and be a grandparent. Now he finds himself pretty much a full time dad again!

With all this going on with the social services my mum has become stressed and worried that the children will be taken in to care but* it seems to be my mum fighting for the children etc. shes terrified they'll be taken into care.

My mum* doesn’t sleep hardly eats and she does this all around working her own business too she looks awful.* ** I don’t see why she wont back off and let my sister sort it out and stepup and be a mum. She knows she isn't capable I'm guessing, even though she wont admit that she defends her 

My sister has thrown accusations around about me and the rest of the family that we are reporting her to social services?!* Also That when we used to have my nephews stay over we would question them?!* We've never questioned them they are just children!
My sister is paranoid!

She sent me a nasty text after reading some texts I had sent to my mum which was nothing insulting about her just the truth about how I feel about it all how Im worried my mum is taking on too much, how she is tired all the time etc. 
I've taken the back seat for years whilst my sister has caused havoc.

My sister* in the text has now stopped me seeing my four nephews whom I love very much* I feel she is doing this out of spite to hurt me and not considering what her children need.

Her one son age 6 told me the other day he wanted me to be his mummy? That’s not right is it? I know my nephews love me and my husband very much.

My mum defends her a lot and will stick by her whatever. She says that my sister is changing and that she just needed to realise what she could lose i.e. her gorgeous children…
I dont think she will ever chamnge her eldest is 7 what does she need to realise?! her children are lovely!
Me and my mum don’t seem to agree on it all and its making it very difficult for me and my mum to have a normal relationship.

My mum says I don’t ever contact her,I don’t often because she has no time for me. My mum is very needy and she likes running around after my sister and playing mummy to them, I'm the wrong one for growing up being a good person making a life for myslef and not clinging to her a$$! Doesn’t seem fair! 
I will bring my child up myself because I want to.

I guess my mum sees it that she has more at stake to lose with my sister and her 6 kids :nope: she doesn’t want to be lonely later in life I know that. My mum is very insecure.
She is loving and was a fantastic mum but she likes to be needed a bit too much. She says she would do the same for me if I needed her, the difference is I wouldn't expect my mum to mop up the mistakes I make in life. i want to pamper her etc make her proud and show her what a good mum I will be

Would my child be different to her other grandchildren becasue she spends so much time with them? 

She says he wants a relationship with us both and does not favour any of us.
She makes me feel guilty for speaking my mind and how I feel 

I've just really had enough I really do feel depressed and Im* angry my sister can start the arguments when Im pregnant…* 

Shes hiding away whilst my mum is on the frontline defending her and arguing with the family members who dare try and sort this out

I don’t feel anything will ever change, my mum is scared to tell my sister to sort it out as my sister will do the same to her- cut her off from the children…
My sister is very manipulative and clever

Me and my meet once a week at a pub to see each other whilst my sister is lounging around at my mums home waiting for her to get back.
Why should my relationship be like this with my mum?

My husband is so angry he doesn't want my mum at our house. I understand hes angry and trying to protect me as I am
So low recently.


My sister hasn't just fallen out with me but my dad and aunty too.
She has caused a massive problem in the family. We are so different I don't see how we can ever sort this. My mum thinks I shoudl sort it so I can see my nephews. I cant I'm so angry with her and my opinions of her won't change.

I am supposed to be enjoying the most happiest time of my life and all I seem to do is cry. 

What kind of family will my baby have? What will happen at Christmas? I can't go to the house.
I can't even look at pictures of my nephews it hurts too much I miss them.

My mum is going to be hurt when she can't see our child  

Please help 
My husband and I are feeling the strain and I can't cope
With this too 
_Posted via Mobile Device_

My husband won't accept anything my mum buys for our baby


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your mother is trying to save your sister because she sees your sister crappy mothering as a reflection on your mom! It's not! Your sister is a grown woman; if she makes poor choices (continually or not), it's on HER!

Why is your husband trying to cut your MOTHER out of your life? Cutting your sister out, makes sense; she's toxic. Your mother is an over-involved parent who loves/worries about the grandchildren and feels she can make up for how poor of a mother your sister is. Making your sister look LESS crappy as a mother enables your mother to feel like she's not a 'failure' with your sister's upbringing. I would suggest you and your husband give your mother a chance to grandparent YOUR child (you'll be hurting your child by depriving him/her of a grandparent relationship) before you cut her out!!

1.) Change your cellphone and home numbers. Give them to your mother, your dad, your aunt, your friends and let them know your sister is NOT to have it.

2.) With a new number, there will be no contact with your sister.

3.) Allow your mother to visit you and your new child on your terms:
* call ahead, no drop-in visits
* mother only, no sister allowed
* your sister and her problems are NOT to be discussed in your home

I think you should give your mother a chance to visit. You might even institute this new policy (and new phone numbers) NOW and see if things can turn around while you're still pregnant so your mom can enjoy your pregnancy with you!

Best of wishes to you.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

That sounds like a really rough situation to be in. I'm a believer in if what you've been doing hasn't been getting you the results you want, try something else. I think maybe you should back off your sister and your mother as far as contact is concerned. Especially being pregnant you'll have your own family to look after which will be stressful enough for you and your husband without worrying about relatives you have no control over.

Just like your sister, your mother is a grown woman who is responsible for the choices that she makes. While it's normal to be concerned about her well being, you shouldn't feel burdened by her choices.

Your sister is toxic and your mother is an enabler and she also sounds very co-dependent. Regardless of your mother's motives, that is a pretty destructive combination as far as healthy relationships are concerned.


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## sljl060908 (Aug 1, 2011)

Thank you for your replies I do appreciate it. My sister is toxic yes I love my mum how do I speak calmly to my husband that I want my mum to be involved in our babies life?
He's right about my family  feel in the middle.

My mum makes me feel guilty about not seeing her so much now I don't have much to say to her because I am so angry.
My sister is probably loving all this! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Tell your husband that you want to give your mother ONE CHANCE to be involved in your life and your baby's life in a HEALTHY WAY. Just like a child who has divorced parents may have two sets of rules (things allowed at one parent's home may not be allowed at the other parent's home), your mother can learn to live with two sets of behavior (what is acceptable with your toxic sister, is NOT necessarily acceptable with you and your husband). Make THIS clear to your mother as well as your husband.

Give your mother a chance to interact with you according to your rules. If she succeeds, YAY; everybody wins. If she doesn't, then you cut her out as your husband wants.

Your mother doesn't make you feel guilty, YOU make you feel guilty. If you can really sit down (maybe with paper/pencil) and SEE the logic of what you're requesting and how it affects you, husband, baby, then you WON'T feel guilty because you'll KNOW (in both your head and your heart) that you are doing what is best for YOUR family that you've creating with husband. Not seeing your mother doesn't make you a bad daughter, it makes you a wise/concerned wife/mother.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*
Give your mother a chance to interact with you according to your rules. If she succeeds, YAY; everybody wins. If she doesn't, then you cut her out as your husband wants*

I agree with this. We can't choose our family, but we make the best of the one we got! Try to allow your mom some quality time while you are pregnant.... apparently she LOVES her grandbabies! Ya know, even if you don't like what your sister does you have three choices:

1. Accept the sister .... good and bad...AND her children... and have more peace within the family. (Do this on your terms, whether visiting with sis or only with mom and kids... or with whole family activities)
2. Deny the sister...but accept the children.... via mom (which gives you some quality time with mom, and ya it's ok to say keep loser sis out of it... but also gives your child the cousins and grandma, which is a good thing!) 
3.Deny the sister and mom... which means your child foregoes a doting grandmom who has proven how important grandchildren are.

ETA: I don't think it matters if mom is enabling sister or not. MOM is focusing on the grandkids.... for the betterment OF the grandkids. As a mother of a teen mom, and an educator who has done some research on this subject... the MORE attention these grandkids get, the better for them in the long run. So it may seem as if mom is an enabler for sister, when actually she is mostly PRO- healthy grandkids who have a better chance than if she weren't putting forth the effort! My point is, consider that mom is trying hard to "be there" for the kids... because sis is a slacker. Nothing wrong with allowing a grandmother who is PRO children to be in your childs live. (Ok, off my soap box now.)


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

ETA #2: Ya know, you could say... if it comes to it.... that you would rather skip the drama with the family and just want to enjoy the kids and/or mom. You are allowed to remove yourself from the drama. Just refuse to get sucked in.


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