# How can you love someone, yet hate them so much?



## tinkerbell (Dec 7, 2008)

Hi,
This is my first post and visit to this site and feel as though this might be a god send for me. I really need help and advice (mainly to know i am doing the right thing and knowing how to do it).
Well, i am 27 years old and have been with my partner for 5 years, married for 3, we have a beautful little girl who is 2.
I moved to Norfolk from Northamptonshire and met my husband whilst i was working in a bar, he told me he didnt have kids etc etc, usual rubbish which i guess you want to hear, within a couple of weeks of starting to see him - i found out that he had been married and had 3 children - OK, no problem said stuff previously trying to impress, wasnt expecting things to go further, Ok all done. But he told me his youngest was 4, found out a few months later she had only just turned 1 - great (alarms bells should have been ringing i know). Well, we plodded along on my own cloud nine, suspected affairs (but never any proof). I did everything in the home, dinner, cleaning, rubbish out, etc. all his mates laughed that he had such an easy life but hey at the time i was happy to do it and didnt feel as though i was being taken advantage off. During this time we had regular contact with his 2 boys, took them on holiday, had them over at weekends, etc - just before our wedding CSA started taking money from his wage, yet we paid his ex in cash every pay day, he told me he had not heard from the CSA, which i soon found to be a lie as found letter in bin. So we moved in with my parents to pay off catalogues, debts and save some money for a new home (rented) and baby. 
Then when i fell pregnant, I had time off work for a while as was having problems with bullying at work (due to falling pregnant), during this time we were still saving at approx £500 a month. I then went back to work and as i had not been out for a while i checked our savings to find about £800 left in there, i could not believe it, i called him staright away and he told me he had been buying surprises for me and the baby, etc etc, and whats my problem if i dont trust him then he will go, i begged and pleaded with him not to and that i did trust him. Also was coming up to my birthday which he says he had got me a gift for £65 but was broken he went to get a replacement, but apparaently would not give him one or his money back, so i never got anything - i believe he did not buy me one - which i dont mind, just want to know the truth. He never came to ante-natal classes with me and left me a fair few amount of times (all this whilst we were still at my parents). We then used the reamaining £800 and more on a deposit for a house. At this time, his ex stopped us seeing the other children which we had assumed was due to our baby (or so i was made to believe), i called solicitors, CAB, arranged appointments to which he didnt show, found out rights etc. but yet he did nothing. He became angry, drinking, picking fights, staying out, saying he was going work (to which no money ever materialised), saying he was going fishing but yet his fishing gear had never moved - i will still swear to this day i believe he was having an affair but i have no proof and he has always denied it. I had a really dreadful pregnancy which i also believe to be down to the stress, i was always in and out of hospital (luckily never having to stay in over night until the last few days) on a featal heart monitor, blood tests, i developed mild pre-eclampsia and the itching, so was a nightmare - to which when this first happened was told was a waste of time going to hospital as nothing would be wrong. 
Well, then he left me again as this was becoming quite regular only over night here and there, during day - saying at work - i then had a text (2 weeks before i was due) saying that he had spent all of our savings on gambling and there was nothing for the baby, i forgave him straight away as i needed him, i wanted him, i wanted our family which was planned. So here we were no wages, nothing for the baby, we had no choice but to turn to the catalogues to get the stuff which was needed, pushchair, car seat, clothers, cot, etc. Also applied for loan, so here i am now in debt upto my eyeballs, as we had no way of paying back so didnt, please dont think of me as stupid as i know this.
Well when our baby was 6 months he had to take a job working away, during this time CSA caught with him, so left job, during this time i was opening his mail, he had a letter from the CSA saying about another child who he was the father to - i asked him about this and he said he did not know about her and as the woman hadnt told him about her obviously didnt want him in his daughters life so was happy not to be - but surely CSA would not be involved if he was not on Birth Certificate - which also cannot happen as he was not married to her but this child is also only 3 months younger than his youngest with ex - which means he was cheating on her whilst she was pregnant. I told him i would support him with whatever he decided to do, but i also said that i think he should try to make contact.
Since all of this he has had numerous jobs, and i overheard a conversation when he thought i was asleep (phone had woke me) that he had lost a job due to being drunk and that he had hit someone with a forklift (i have never confronted him a bout this) but he told me they were taking advantage of him so he walked out (previous to him telling me this he had not been paid for 2 weeks - saying there was a mix-up with wages and he wasnt only one - but guess what he never did get the money he was due). He had another job last christmas, but they sacked him for stealing - i have since spoke to someone within the industry and was told basically if he was sacked for Fraud there is slim to no chance that he hadnt done it - i honestly believed he hadnt done it, mainly because they didnt get police involved like they said they were going to, but have since been told this company dont get Police involved unless going into a few thousand pounds rather than £1000 - yet when i said we would appeal he did nothing to appeal - alarm bells ringing - once again no - believed in what he said.
I was then diagnosed with post-natal depression and have every day and stronger.been suffering really bad with anxiety, i hate leaving my daughter but am now getting braver
I went out one night with my friends (which i met via mums group on internet - she has since become my best friend and rock), i got very drunk got home and passed out on floor and instead of leaving me he threw water over me and recorded me saying i had cheated on him (on the recording is him asking if i had cheated and me saying - yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh all slurry). Since then i have declined every invitation i have had to go out with my friends as i thought it was not worth it and that my marriage is more important. My friend left her partner for someone else so i am constantly getting accused that i am goling to do the same.
We have since moved again and i have done everything, decorating (he was working so cant blame him too much for that as people do need a break and sleep). I have made some very good friends and i have a stong suppost network (i have made these friends through my daughters toddler group). I have since realised how lazy and selfish he is, he does nothing with our daughter, we have a park opposite our house but doesnt take her. He works away alot so you would think he would want to spend time (quality time) with her especially as he doesnt see his other children, but everything else is more important, the computer, sky, football - and i have become fed up with it, iw ant what is best for my little girl - i take her out and she attaches herself to any male that is playing with his children as this is what she wants, she loves kicking a ball around with him. She has now attached herself big time on her grandad (my step dad) as he has time for her, plays with her, gives her attention - he see her a little less than her own father so cant say its time.
I spoke to him a bout this and said i wanted to make our relationship work and what was needed on both sides (i admit i have let our relationship slide since our daughter was born - she sleeps in bed with me and he in her room - this was both of our choices not just mine - but i have now been using this as an excuse as dont want her to go into her room as i really dont want to share bed with him, smells of smoke, lacks hygiene and snores really bad (but so do i -- but doesnt effect his sleep)). Whilst away (2 weeks after initial coverstaion) he said he will make more of an effort and i was on cloud cuckoo so so happy but hey he got back and nothing had changed, tries for a while then goes back to normal. He said he didnt realise things were that bad - how much more planer did i have to say things i had already said that if things dont improve our relationship will have to end.
Well, since then, and finalyy his ex wife has been in touch with me via facebook looking for him as boys have had no end of emotional problems since he had walked out them - hang on - she had stopped him - no appearently not he just decided not to see them anymore - there is alot more to this than just this but this is basically it. He has lied to me saying she stopped him but i have her saying boys want him to get in touch - he doesnt want me to talk to her - which i didnt at first until she sent a message to in-laws saying its probably cause i dont want them in our lives and that is so far from truth, i couldnt have her or the boys thinking that, not a day goes by when i9 dont think of them and what my daughter is missing out on - with her brothers. I got in touch and she has agreed to meet, but until this happens will keep in touch via facebbok, i hate the fact that i have now done this behind his back, but i was always told she didnt want to know me or meet me, so i have finally done what i believe to be right for the boys and my daughter.

Well, my dilemma is i have now decided to leave for all of these reasons and know i can do this on my own, but am worried for my daughter that he will walk away, if he does i want him to walk sooner rather than later as i dont want her effected like the boys (13 years old, emotionally and menatlly sacreed, feeling unwanted, unloved, having nightmares and wetting the bed). I am also scared that if i stayed what else is going to appear, anymore children, etc.
He has knocked my confidence, etc for so long made me need and rely on him but i now know and feel that i am better off without him as i cant trust him and am starting to hate him so much - but problem is i love him too. I have tried talking and making this work but to no avail. I obviously wont be doing anything until after christmas for the sake of my daughter and him as he has emotional blackmail over me, nowhere to go, no car, cant get work (if i was thinking of myself he would be out now) so worst time of year to feel alone (he does have his mum but says would rather die of cold, hunger in a ditch somewhere).
I am so sorry this is so long but it anyone has any advice on how to handle this and how i end things i would apprevciate it and sorry to keep you up x
Am i doing the right thing, i have tried and when i married him i did honestly believe would be for life and there would be nothing other than an affair we would not be able to overcome x

Oh also i have found womens numbers on his phone which he has told me was men from work but called them to find they were women - who have denied anything happened between them (straight away - i didnt even have to ask - just say who i was) x

This is tearing me apart, making me cry every day and worrying my daughter who wont leave me not even to go bed, most times wont go bed until i go too x


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You married a liar. Also a gold digger. He's a con man. And probably not only of you. I'd think about a background check. And protecting your assets. 

I'm sorry you had to find all this out the hard way. 

Do you love him? (at this point, why?) Do you want to stay? Do you want to make it work? 

What is it you're seeking confirmation of?


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## tinkerbell (Dec 7, 2008)

Yes, i love him but i am no longer in love with him, thankyou it helps so much to have an outsiders view of things x
Any other advice much appreciated?
I think i am seeking confirmation, that i have done all i possibly can to make our relationship work and there is nothing else i can do so i have no option but to end things for the sake of my sanity and the happiness of our daughter x


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

From all that you've posted, I'd say go ahead and end it. And PROTECT YOUR ASSETS!  

Get on with your life without him. 

Please take care of yourself and your kids! They are paramount right now. 

Make sure a lawyer (solicitor for you UK types - does that make me bilingual?  ) advises you of your rights and a clear separation of financial responsibilities (and debts). Also, seek redress of financial affairs.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Hon, the only possible reason why you would still love him is because you must not love yourself. How on earth can someone love a person who has done the things he's done to you? Have you read your post and the history of his behavior toward you (and his ex!)? It's appalling. The man is a complete zero.

Stop loving him. It's absurd that you love him. And it's absurd that you accepted so much crap from him to this point. Learn to love yourself. Learn to care for yourself. Learn to see a liar and a cheat when you meet one. You will need to teach these things to your little girl. So you must start now to live your life how you want her to model it. You must start to treat yourself how you will want her to treat herself someday. If it was your daughter that wrote the things you wrote, what would you tell her to do?


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

sounds like he's a *insert prosanity here* unreliable liar. don't know about you, but i couldn't stay w/ someone i can't count on. you need to do what's best for you and your daughter. if that's him being out of your lives, then you know what to do. i hate marriages ending and try to encourage people to work things out, but he sounds bad for you and your daughter. he obviously doesn't give a damn about his other kids, so you need to take care and protect her.


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## tinkerbell (Dec 7, 2008)

To put another spanner in works now have found out i am having a hip replacement at end of January - should i wait or leave now?


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