# When it comes to the fog



## Curious_Guy (Aug 21, 2013)

I shared this with a few people and I thought why not share it here??

When it comes to a WS trapped in "the fog," he/she will refuse to listen and get out of this fantasy. It seems like the only way for a person to realize he/she is trapped in the fog is for them to continue living in it, and then they'll soon realize the grass was not greener on the other side. To do this, the BS has to learn to let go. By the time the fog lifts, this is when the WS realized he/she made a mistake. This is when they want to go back to their original spouse (the BS), but by that time, the BS may have moved on and found someone else.

What do you guys think? Just something I learned by reading posts here on TAM and other threads.


----------



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

It all boils down to cake eating. I don't believe in epiphany. If they were not aware that the BS and the life with the BS had value, then they would walk away from it all for the OW/OM, rather than keep BS in a little box until they are forced to make a choice.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Yep the fog is the 'testing ground' and definitely NOT love

If the 'fog' is real love how come you never hear that "I looked into his eyes, realized he was THE ONE and got out of my marriage straight away - said to my husband "sorry we are done" and got divorced so I can be with THE ONE in a new proper relationship so we can be together properly"

No we never hear that . Why? because it's try and test time first. 

"I want more than I've got, even though what I've got is really good" so I'll test it first. If it's better I'll make the jump if it's not then I've had some fun in the meantime

This is the very definition of eating cake 

How many times was the outside cake better than the main one 

*'in relationships that are forged from an affair 95% of them fail'* 

..... there's your answer about the 'fog' as opposed to 'the love'


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Curious_Guy said:


> I shared this with a few people and I thought why not share it here??
> 
> When it comes to a WS trapped in "the fog," he/she will refuse to listen and get out of this fantasy. It seems like the only way for a person to realize he/she is trapped in the fog is for them to continue living in it, and then they'll soon realize the grass was not greener on the other side. To do this, the BS has to learn to let go. By the time the fog lifts, this is when the WS realized he/she made a mistake. This is when they want to go back to their original spouse (the BS), but by that time, the BS may have moved on and found someone else.
> 
> What do you guys think? Just something I learned by reading posts here on TAM and other threads.


The fog is an addiction and it is no different then the emotions of love. It is super strong physiological urge that overtakes some reasoning to obtain the high. 

Quite frankly most BS have no idea that it is very real and very strong. I was in the fog and for me it wasn't as strong as some bit it is not a choice it is a real feeling that you need to resist and withdrawal from its effects. You do go through withdrawal when you are fighting it which is why NC is critical. See my link for more info on the fog.


----------



## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

My WS was in the "fog" until he realized another man wanted me. He did an about face, decided I was not fat and did not want to lose the marriage. He has been great for several weeks now, but to me too little too late. Not real sure I want the marriage any longer.


----------



## sqrt314 (Jun 14, 2011)

pollywog said:


> My WS was in the "fog" until he realized another man wanted me. He did an about face, decided I was not fat and did not want to lose the marriage. He has been great for several weeks now, but to me too little too late. Not real sure I want the marriage any longer.



WS cheat because that the perception of security and the impunity from consequences. My WW went so far as to ask me to drop her off at their rendezvous location, figuring that I'd be non wiser. Even after confrontation, she still expected me to finance her during our separation, while she has affair with OM. 

I spoilt her during the marriage, and she probably figured that I loved her too much to let her go. She expected me to understand and support her during this period of self realization. 

Completely separating and going dark on her is not something that I'd done in the past. Forgiveness is also not on my mind at all. She needs to understand that a bottom line was crossed, and I'm not interested in the relationship anymore. 

She is certainly in a fog with OM - but sooner or later she needs to face reality. But the longer she ponders in the fog, the further she will wander away from her home. When she's out of the fog, she'll realize that she's sadly lost. Touche.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Curious_Guy said:


> When it comes to a WS trapped in "the fog," he/she will refuse to listen and get out of this fantasy. It seems like the only way for a person to realize he/she is trapped in the fog is for them to continue living in it, and then they'll soon realize the grass was not greener on the other side. To do this, the BS has to learn to let go. By the time the fog lifts, this is when the WS realized he/she made a mistake. This is when they want to go back to their original spouse (the BS), but by that time, the BS may have moved on and found someone else..


Disagree with the letting them continue living in it part. 

Distancing is the key for several reasons. One, it creates your own pasture and they find themselves on the other side of that proverbial fence. Second, it allows you to let go of outcomes or trying for anything specific; You will survive without them and can work on yourself. Third, you stop relying on them for feedback on your direction... you become you instead of trying to be something you think they might want. And last, they never really consider that you are ‘unique’ and they really can’t predict or write your script; To them, who you really are is some fantasy version they’ve created in their own head using cherry picked information to compile the ‘character’ in their headspace that has become ‘you’ to them.

To destroy the fog; you attack the fantasy on all fronts. So, you confront with incontestable facts. That distance will help you remove the ‘I don’t want to hurt their feelings’ filter. You aren’t trying to win them back, you are trying to shatter whatever image they believe they see in the mirror and replace it with the truth. And it’s ok to be irrational... Remember when I used to not want to hurt her feelings when asked if she looks ok in those jeans? Guess what porky...

Don’t hide the pain, anger, and hurt... it is part of you after DD. Don’t be something you are not hoping that you can show them ‘a better person’. No one can ‘nice’ a foggy wayward out of the fog.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

meson said:


> The fog is an addiction and it is no different then the emotions of love. It is super strong physiological urge that overtakes some reasoning to obtain the high.
> 
> Quite frankly most BS have no idea that it is very real and very strong. I was in the fog and for me it wasn't as strong as some bit it is not a choice it is a real feeling that you need to resist and withdrawal from its effects. You do go through withdrawal when you are fighting it which is why NC is critical. See my link for more info on the fog.


Okay I get that "the fog" is a feeling BUT at some level you know what you are doing is wrong....it is not like we are robots. 
At some level, the erring spouse KNOWS what they are doing...I do not buy into the philosophy that we are mindless sheep at the mercy of some overwhelming powerful force......
Choices man.
Choices.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Curious_Guy said:


> I shared this with a few people and I thought why not share it here??
> 
> When it comes to a WS trapped in "the fog," he/she will refuse to listen and get out of this fantasy. It seems like the only way for a person to realize he/she is trapped in the fog is for them to continue living in it, and then they'll soon realize the grass was not greener on the other side. To *do this, the BS has to learn to let go. *By the time the fog lifts, this is when the WS realized he/she made a mistake. This is when they want to go back to their original spouse (the BS), but by that time, the BS may have moved on and found someone else.
> 
> What do you guys think? Just something I learned by reading posts here on TAM and other threads.


I think this is what you are talking about:

_Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them. _


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

The "fog" is a mix of denial and euphoria. The long process of building enough justification to overcome guilt and to allow the belief that somehow your are in the "right" to have an EA or PA...requires an extreme amount of DENIAL...the purposeful dismissal of truth. But there is also EUPHORIA...the super high, elation they get from the sneaky, risky, and confused behavior...that sends their happy feelings sky rocketing. They actually think they may be in "love"...and selfish people don't like to quit things that make them feel good...no matter how destructive it is...and if they are prone to love or sex addiction...all the harder to quit. When people are in the fog, they will lie and cheat and barely blink an eye.

What kills the fog is consequence...when the pain of their actions exceed their ability to fool themselves about it. Consequence is a buzz kill. This is why we do not make it easy for a cheating spouse. Consequences must be swift and blunt...no room for bargaining.

When my wife was cheating on me...she was an absolute jerk to me before I discovered it...and she told me all sorts of garbage that made me feel small...and that her unhappiness was all my fault. But when I stopped being a weenie about it..and truly didn't care and was blunt...she def. changed her tune.


----------



## rubpy3 (Nov 19, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I think this is what you are talking about:
> 
> _Just Let Them Go
> 
> ...


Damn, this is good ****. This is seriously good. 

Seriously good.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

rubpy3 said:


> Damn, this is good ****. This is seriously good.
> 
> Seriously good.


I took it from someone else who in turn had taken it from someone else, so I don't know who actually wrote it. It wasn't me.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I shared this with a few people and I thought why not share it here??
> 
> When it comes to a WS trapped in "the fog," he/she will refuse to listen and get out of this fantasy. *It seems like the only way for a person to realize he/she is trapped in the fog is for them to continue living in it,* and then they'll soon realize the grass was not greener on the other side. To do this, the BS has to learn to let go. By the time the fog lifts, this is when the WS realized he/she made a mistake. This is when they want to go back to their original spouse (the BS), but by that time, the BS may have moved on and found someone else.
> 
> What do you guys think? Just something I learned by reading posts here on TAM and other threads.


No, disagree here. As long as the A is not disturbed the fog will continue, even thicken. If a BS wants his/her WS back then the fog has to be dissipated by force, meaning a hard confront and exposure. It will not lift on its own. My W was in an EA fog for years without my knowledge--the fog only lifted when her AP died of alcoholism.


----------



## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Philat said:


> No, disagree here. As long as the A is not disturbed the fog will continue, even thicken. If a BS wants his/her WS back then the fog has to be dissipated by force, meaning a hard confront and exposure. It will not lift on its own. My W was in an EA fog for years without my knowledge--the fog only lifted when her AP died of alcoholism.


Spot on 

People don't 'wander' in and out of the fog 

They have to be snapped out of it kicked into touch about it exposed a thousand percent about it all and even then some of them still don't get it.

Brutal exposure and time sorts out 'the fog'

Niceness never took a wayward by the hand and lead them gently out of the fog

If only


----------



## Line In The Sand (Nov 15, 2013)

How do you know if it's the fog or they just actually aren't interested in you anymore ?


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Curious_Guy said:


> I shared this with a few people and I thought why not share it here??
> 
> When it comes to a WS trapped in "the fog," he/she will refuse to listen and get out of this fantasy. It seems like the only way for a person to realize he/she is trapped in the fog is for them to continue living in it, and then they'll soon realize the grass was not greener on the other side. To do this, the BS has to learn to let go. By the time the fog lifts, this is when the WS realized he/she made a mistake. This is when they want to go back to their original spouse (the BS), but by that time, the BS may have moved on and found someone else.
> 
> What do you guys think? Just something I learned by reading posts here on TAM and other threads.


I agree with what the OP is saying in the simple fact it is an abridged version to explain someone outside the marriage what is going on.. 

Yes there are many variation and nuances. But Yea, when someone is in a fog there isn't much you can do about it. No matter how much you try to show someone how *"Wrong"* the fog is they won't believe you, because its *YOU*... You are the enemy, why should they believe anything *YOU* the enemy says.. 

Look I can add in Exit Affair into this equation. But I think this is fine if I had to explain to an outsider about the Wayward fog..

Finally I think many of what others posted here the OP has listed in his statement about the Fog. The OP just didn't expand on it like other here did.. 

For what the point is I personally think its fine.. Short and simple


----------

