# I miss my wife. I need her back



## I Miss my wife 76 (Feb 10, 2012)

I have been married for just under 15 years My wife and I have 2 boys a teen and a 6 year old, and as of last Sunday my wife and I are seperated. It all stemed from text messages she was sending. I did not believe it was just a friend and I BLEW up into a verbal rage. I said things to my wife that no one should ever say to anyone. And wort part is I said all of this in front of my children.

This starts a long time before then. I had an affair on my with just over 3 years ago and I left the house for a few days during that time. I had the affair because I felt like I was not being loved and respected. I did move back home and my wife found out about what had happened. We tried marriage counciling and I think it worked to a point. But the fact is we stayed married.

A few months later it had come to my attention that my wife had been emailing and texting her boyfriend from before we met. This is when I first went into a rage and started my screaming and hurtfull words to her. This is the day I started not to trust my wife.

In October 2009 I went to work overseas in Iraq and now I am in Afghanistan. Looking back everytime I am home (every 3-6 months) I am constantly checking my wifes phone and emails. I have never found anything until this past time home. I found that she had been texting an old work aqquaintace, I have no idea what the text consited of as she always deleted them But looking at the bill I am able to see the time and how many between them. 

I asked her and she said they are just friends and they talk about work and life. I quess I did not believe her as I went into a rage verbally assulting her and her family. I told her numerous times that I wanted a divorce.

I decieded that I could not be at the house as I was so angry I went and spent the night at a hotel by the airport as I was leaving for Afghanistan the next day. 

This is when it hit me. I Love my wife beyond anything immaganable. She said she is done with the verbal and mental abuse I have put her through. NBow that she is gone I realize my true love for her and that she is my best friend.

It has only been 6 days since this happened and I am emailing her and calling her trying to tell her how sorry I am and that I am goign to seek help for my anger when I return to take a job back home in a few weeks. I keep telling her that I love her and she does not respond. She says the only love she has for me is that I am the father of our children.

I want her to love me again, What do I do. She says she has not trusted me since I cheated on her and I guess I have not trusted her since she was seeing her ex boyfriend (She says notheing ever happened and I can only trust her word)

I feel so hopeless being 7,000 miles away. I have not slept in 6 days I have lost 15 pounds I cry all the time. I did say to her the morning that I was leaving that I was just going to come home and she said not to as I need to get myself straight. How can I get myself straight being over here. I realize now I have destroyed my marriage and my true love. I am sick that it took this for me to realize how much I love her.

I am not willing to throw our marriage away. I keep asking her what she wants and she does not answer. No I stop asking her? What do I do to get my wife to love me and want me back. I know it wil take time but every day that goes by I am getting worse. I need help I need advice I just want my wife back.

For many years I have not treated my with with respect. I did not treat her like a wife should be treated. I rarley ever sked her how her day was at work or whats new. I now see this is not helping. How do I convince her I will change and to come back

Anyone PLEASE


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Marriages can work with people away for extended periods of time, but it's far from ideal and when things are shaky it's almost guaranteed to cause a wedge. If you want to fix your marriage, you need to be there to make it happen. You can't fix it from the other side of the world. I don't think you can in your particular situation. You can pray for your marriage while you're there, but there's nothing you can do yourself.

My recommendation is, if it is at all possible in any way, return ASAP. If you can investigate your wife's activities online or on her cell phone via a keylogger or voice-activated recorder, do it. If you find nothing major, decide to trust her and then be there for her for a while to repair your relationship. 

Sometimes there is no substitute for spending time together.


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## I Miss my wife 76 (Feb 10, 2012)

I am going home in 4 weeks time as I have a new job. I dont want to investigate any more. I need to trust her word. And if I look into it then I cant trust her word


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## nick15 (Jan 17, 2012)

Well, first off I'm glad you were able to reveal your past history. I think most would agree that an affair is an affair. It does fracture the foundation of a marriage to the core. These small fractures turn into large ripes to the sole if not delt with in the mannor it merrits. Some of these wounds sometimes just will never heal. It doesn't matter whos to blame. I don't know that even if you do make a carrier change if she would be up for staying in the marriage even for the kids. You loosing your cool may have been that straw that broke the back of something all ready in a compromised shape. I hate to sound harsh here but the grim reality is you know yourself that something in you is hurting deeply that you are sufforing remorse over. You need to come to terms with it. Talk to someone soon. We are human and we have to take ownership of our choices. Only then can you begin to understand if the marriage is salvageable or given the space that it may require to move forward in a civilized manor for the sake of the children. I know you are hurting. I'm sure that she is too and probably has been for awhile. Her reaching out to someone else I don't know what to make of it, but it's obvious that attention to the family must come first... I really hope the best for you and your family, talk to a counselor soon. One that will call it straight up and not soft pettle the truth.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I Miss my wife 76 said:


> I am going home in 4 weeks time as I have a new job. I dont want to investigate any more. I need to trust her word. And if I look into it then I cant trust her word


Fair enough. Stay in touch with her in the meanwhile, but don't be needy. Be positive. Talk about happy things, as much as possible. Ask her about her life, in a non-threatening manner.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dude, you need to understand a harsh reality. I had to learn it myself. When a woman tells you they don't love you anymore, they move out, and they don't speak to you---- it's virtually impossible to change their minds. 
Anything you do positive toward them, they will see as manipulation to get them back. Isn't it?
You can go home, but if she is not in love with you, it will serve no purpose. You'd be better off staying where you are and figuring a way to detach. 
From what it sounds like, she's been having at least emotional affairs with other men. You said you had an affair and said why. No, it wasn't because you were feeling xyz, it's because it was fun banging another woman.
Whatever your wife has done, your affair gave her an excuse. It also was the death knell of your marriage. I don't know if she'll ever want to come back, but I do know you'd be better off learning to be a better man, and much easier to get the love of another woman than to get it back from your wife.
There's just no way to fix this with them when they make up their mind and stop loving you. It took a long time to get to this point. It's not going to change in her mind overnight, or likely ever.
My advice. Detach and move on.
That's not what you want to hear. But it's the thing you should do. That would be the best chance for you period. Of you go home and badger her, it will push her away, if she sees you changing your life, she might (unlikely) reconsider and reach out to you.
Sorry man.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Dude, you need to understand a harsh reality. I had to learn it myself. When a woman tells you they don't love you anymore, they move out, and they don't speak to you---- it's virtually impossible to change their minds.
> 
> Anything you do positive toward them, they will see as manipulation to get them back. Isn't it?
> 
> ...




ER , this is a five year old thread bumped to the top by a spammer.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

It was a great answer Evinrude.

Save it for the next guy.

I'm sure he'll be here shortly.


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## kendonim (Apr 3, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Dude, you need to understand a harsh reality. I had to learn it myself. When a woman tells you they don't love you anymore, they move out, and they don't speak to you---- it's virtually impossible to change their minds.
> Anything you do positive toward them, they will see as manipulation to get them back. Isn't it?
> You can go home, but if she is not in love with you, it will serve no purpose. You'd be better off staying where you are and figuring a way to detach.
> From what it sounds like, she's been having at least emotional affairs with other men. You said you had an affair and said why. No, it wasn't because you were feeling xyz, it's because it was fun banging another woman.
> ...


Yeah I needed to hear this too.


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## tryingtocopedad (Apr 11, 2017)

I can relate to your pain. I F***ed my life and marriage up beyond recognition. I had an affair 10 years ago (not even sex, but it doesn't matter) and then went to prison for two years for financial issues. My wife was left alone with three kids. Not the same situation as you, but what I've realized from the responses to my own post is that we are both being selfish trying to win our wives back. One person wrote that when a woman is "done" she is done and it's a wrap. 

No easy solution, but give her space and if necessary move on. Be a good dad. That's what I'm going to do.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

tryingtocopedad said:


> I can relate to your pain. I F***ed my life and marriage up beyond recognition. I had an affair 10 years ago (not even sex, but it doesn't matter) and then went to prison for two years for financial issues. My wife was left alone with three kids. Not the same situation as you, but what I've realized from the responses to my own post is that we are both being selfish trying to win our wives back. One person wrote that when a woman is "done" she is done and it's a wrap.
> 
> No easy solution, but give her space and if necessary move on. Be a good dad. That's what I'm going to do.


If you put your life together and live well, no telling what she will do.

But, you'll be happier.

That's what's important.


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