# Need advice



## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

I’m asking for some advice on being married to a former alcoholic. I don’t have a problem with drinking but basically stopped for him for the last few years. Now I feel like I want a glass of wine now and then or when we go out for dinner.I feel like I’ve agreed to so many things with him that we’re just for him and changed myself so much that now I’m living this weird version of a life with him that I don’t know who I am and how I got here. I don’t want to leave him but need advice on how to stay married and find myself again or get myself back if that makes sense


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s not a former alcoholic. He’s an alcoholic and always will be.
If you are considering ending your marriage because you can’t have a glass of wine with a meal then I would respectfully suggest that there are more problems in your marriage than you are telling us.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. 

If you would seriously end your marriage because you can't have a glass of wine, and feel like you've lost yourself because of it, then I'd question whether you also have a substance abuse problem.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Actually I don’t want to leave him. Sorry if my ramble wasn’t clear. I’m asking really for advice on how to stay married and get the courage or strength to pull myself back not just the wine but other aspects of myself I’m not sure if I’m too far gone in it because I am such a people pleaser . He doesn’t really mind if I drink he’s said but at the same time I don’t push it because I want him to be happy. I almost feel now that I have to ask permission to order a glass of wine at a restaurant maybe that is the tip of my iceberg


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

bobert said:


> Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
> 
> If you would seriously end your marriage because you can't have a glass of wine, and feel like you've lost yourself because of it, then I'd question whether you also have a substance abuse problem.


Not sure where you got this? I didn’t say anything about ending my marriage 🤔


bobert said:


> Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.
> 
> If you would seriously end your marriage because you can't have a glass of wine, and feel like you've lost yourself because of it, then I'd question whether you also have a substance abuse problem.


I didn’t say I wanted to leave at all. If you read what I put you would see. Thanks thoigh


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It must have been very difficult during the ‘before’ and for the family members of addicts it can take years for the new normal to sink in, I understand what you’re going through, it’s a huge adjustment for everyone. 

Is there, or has there been some specific professional support for you along the way? 

It’s like ptsd in many ways, sometimes we hold out until everything is finally ok for the emotions and so on to come out. You’re finally safe now, you’ve probably held everything together a long time and your body and mind is potentially going to go into flight mode - in small ways, like, ‘what to do if I want some wine’. 

Talk with him about this, how’s he doing?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think it's pretty selfish to drink in front of an alcoholic, but I am sure there are other changes you can make that won't make things harder for you both.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

It sounds like you got lost along the way...Maybe you are a caretaker? 
I wouldn't focus on the wine, if you want to stay in your marriage, but you can start by doing wonderful things for YOURSELF every single day.
Take up a new hobby, take a class, go to lunch with a girlfriend, Etc.



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I’m asking for some advice on being married to a former alcoholic. I don’t have a problem with drinking but basically stopped for him for the last few years. Now I feel like I want a glass of wine now and then or when we go out for dinner.I feel like I’ve agreed to so many things with him that we’re just for him and changed myself so much that now I’m living this weird version of a life with him that I don’t know who I am and how I got here. I don’t want to leave him but need advice on how to stay married and find myself again or get myself back if that makes sense


I think there are two things going on here. 

You are married to a former alcoholic and it would be wise not to drink. There isn't something so fundamental about drinking that it defines who you are. And trust me you don't want to be married to a current alcoholic.

Now the other issue is you've changed so much you don't recognize yourself. You can start to change that. You can have your own friends, hobbies, and preferences. Identify something you like and set aside time to do it. 

Many people change in a relationship to more meld together. So are these changes ones you made on your own or are these changes your husband wanted?

There are big differences between the two.

Obviously drinking is a poor choice as an example. How about naming a few others. Many people 'wake' up to all these changes when a relationship is falling apart.

What's going on with your marriage? How long have you been married?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I’m asking really for advice on how to stay married and get the courage or strength to pull myself back not just the wine but other aspects of myself I’m not sure if I’m too far gone in it because I am such a people pleaser .


Classic codependent.

I was married to an alcoholic. I lost my own identity. Why? Because alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. It doesn't matter if your husband is drinking or not. He's an alcoholic. And you are not tending to keeping YOUR side of the street clean. HIS addiction is his to own; not yours.

So get busy cleaning up your issues and owning what is yours to own.

*Al-Anon.*

And if I haven't been clear enough about that, let me reiterate: *Al-Anon*. Like yesterday.

ETA: Does your husband work any type of recovery program?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I’m asking for some advice on being married to a former alcoholic. I don’t have a problem with drinking but basically stopped for him for the last few years. Now I feel like I want a glass of wine now and then or when we go out for dinner.I feel like I’ve agreed to so many things with him that we’re just for him and changed myself so much that now I’m living this weird version of a life with him that I don’t know who I am and how I got here. I don’t want to leave him but need advice on how to stay married and find myself again or get myself back if that makes sense


My best friend is alcoholic but she's been sober for a long time and I certainly didn't bring alcohol around her in the early part of that but it wasn't long before she said you can have a drink if you want to it won't bother me. I still didn't. But her husband has a drink every now and then. You should get to where you can handle that if you're really working the program. Now on the flip side of that nobody's sober wants to be around somebody very drunk very often. It's just not a good dynamic.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Actually I don’t want to leave him.


 you say that you want to leave him ; but only talk about the fact you want to drink the odd glass of wine as a reason but when other posters say there must be more going on you ask where they get that from ,


Lovinlifemostly said:


> Not sure where you got this? I didn’t say anything about ending my marriage 🤔





Lovinlifemostly said:


> .I feel like I’ve agreed to so many things with him that we’re just for him and changed myself so much that now I’m living this weird version of a life with him that I don’t know who I am and how I got here.


tip toeing around him might be part of it , you are tip toeing around the subject here 
my experience of any of the alcoholic people i know or know in my life time one thing stands out they are good manipulators , 

sorry I can not give you advice on what to do if you say once that you want to leave him and you say also once that you don't to leave him , 


Lovinlifemostly said:


> I don’t want to leave him but need advice on how to stay married and find myself again or get myself back if that makes sense


 you do not say how long your together 
you say he is dry a year now , it is a good time if you lived with him during his drinking you know the worst of him , and your living on egg shells 
now your afraid to leave him because you don't want to be blamed for his returning to drinking i think


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> you say that you want to leave him ; but only talk about the fact you want to drink the odd glass of wine as a reason but when other posters say there must be more going on you ask where they get that from ,
> 
> 
> tip toeing around him might be part of it , you are tip toeing around the subject here
> ...


Sorry I didn’t say he’s dry a year….


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

yes few years , good for him , 
i wish you well


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Have a drink if you want one! Be yourself.

He needs to do what’s best for himself. You are separate from him and should do what you want.

Long term sober here - worked a solid solid program of recovery… I’m around drinkers most every day. What they do is none of MY business - I do me - they do themselves.

If you aren’t the alcoholic - have a drink!

Read up on codepency… it seems you could benefit from reading codepency no more.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Living a false version of yourself just to uphold someone else’s problem will get old fast and become a huge resentment. I personally believe you should go back to being who you are and if that doesn’t suit him then your just not compatible as a couple.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It must have been very difficult during the ‘before’ and for the family members of addicts it can take years for the new normal to sink in, I understand what you’re going through, it’s a huge adjustment for everyone.
> 
> Is there, or has there been some specific professional support for you along the way?
> 
> ...


Thank you this is good advice I was thinking the same that I should talk to him more about this . It has been hard holding on and trying to do everything right


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So is your husband in any sort of recovery program? Thought I'd ask again.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So is your husband in any sort of recovery program? Thought I'd ask again.


Yes he’s in AA. He’s been sober 6 yrs I stopped drinking myself a few (about 3) years ago just before we moved in together I still have the odd drink when I go out with friends, but never drink with him anymore. When we were first dating he said it’s fine if I drink so I would have wine or whatever if we’d go out but I just always felt weird drinking knowing he didn’t and so I slowly just let it go.We don’t have alcohol in the house and I don’t really want that. Maybe I’m being selfish or having a bit of FOMO now that the world is opening up again after covid. I’m not sure really. I’m thinking alanon might be wise and someone else suggested or the obvious idea of talking to him about it


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He's working a program. You should be working a program too. I started attending Al Anon in 1996. When I first started, I had no idea what everyone was talking about. Why weren't they discussing the alcoholic(s) in their lives?

The only request made to me was to give six meetings a try. If I didn't feel it was for me, I could walk away. 

And I learned to work on my own issues and to stay out of my husband's addiction. Ultimately, I had to respect my husband's decision to drink himself to death. He's been dead for six years. I still attend Al Anon.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> I think it's pretty selfish to drink in front of an alcoholic, but I am sure there are other changes you can make that won't make things harder for you both.


It's also pretty selfish to be an alcoholic if you think about it.



Lovinlifemostly said:


> Yes he’s in AA. He’s been sober 6 yrs I stopped drinking myself a few (about 3) years ago just before we moved in together I still have the odd drink when I go out with friends, but never drink with him anymore. When we were first dating he said it’s fine if I drink so I would have wine or whatever if we’d go out but I just always felt weird drinking knowing he didn’t and so I slowly just let it go.We don’t have alcohol in the house and I don’t really want that. Maybe I’m being selfish or having a bit of FOMO now that the world is opening up again after covid. I’m not sure really. I’m thinking alanon might be wise and someone else suggested or the obvious idea of talking to him about it


While I agree in abstaining from drinking during his early sobriety days, you can't be expected not to ever have a drink again, given that you're not the one with the problem. I don't see any harm in you having a drink if you feel like it.

I have an old friend who is a recovering alcoholic, she's been sober for almost 30 years now, and regularly hosts dinner parties with the wine flowing - for guests. She doesn't touch a drop. It can be done.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Living a false version of yourself just to uphold someone else’s problem will get old fast and become a huge resentment. I personally believe you should go back to being who you are and if that doesn’t suit him then your just not compatible as a couple.


Thank you you’re right and I feel that once resentment shows up that is normally the beginning of the end


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

frusdil said:


> It's also pretty selfish to be an alcoholic if you think about it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for the hopeful message 😊


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

frusdil said:


> It's also pretty selfish to be an alcoholic if you think about it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you this is good news and a nice example that it’s not all doom and gloom


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> Actually I don’t want to leave him. Sorry if my ramble wasn’t clear. I’m asking really for advice on how to stay married and get the courage or strength to pull myself back not just the wine but other aspects of myself I’m not sure if I’m too far gone in it because I am such a people pleaser . He doesn’t really mind if I drink he’s said but at the same time I don’t push it because I want him to be happy. I almost feel now that I have to ask permission to order a glass of wine at a restaurant maybe that is the tip of my iceberg


What is wrong with taking him at his word on this?

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## Elijah220 (Jun 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I think it's pretty selfish to drink in front of an alcoholic, but I am sure there are other changes you can make that won't make things harder for you both.


Firstly, her mentioning the wine was. A mere example of her bigger picture.

Secondly…as a child of 2 alcoholics and former bf of a meth addict, please don’t talk about how OUR actions are selfish to THEM. I assure you there is none more selfish than an addict.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I hear ya. When my XBF was living with me I didn't drink around him because his Dad was an alcoholic. I guess because it wasn't a personal challenge for him, he made a point of saying it was fine but I didn't want to trigger any trauma. Eventually I asked - is it cool if we keep a bottle of wine to cook with and I can just have a glass occasionally?

In the end it wasn't such a big deal. Some days I was like "i would really enjoy a glass of wine" but don't like to drink alone so I wouldn't really do it unless we had guests who were also drinking. I cut out alcohol for health reasons recently and he has long since moved out. I think it's a habit like anything else and doesn't really define who you are. If you want to do it to support your husband, I think it'd be a nice gesture to support his sobriety. 

Can you elaborate a bit on how you feel you don't recognize yourself? Is it just not being able to have a glass of wine around him? Or is there more that you're not mentioning that alters your behavior whe n you're around him?


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Living a false version of yourself just to uphold someone else’s problem will get old fast and become a huge resentment. I personally believe you should go back to being who you are and if that doesn’t suit him then your just not compatible as a couple.


Thank you very much


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> I hear ya. When my XBF was living with me I didn't drink around him because his Dad was an alcoholic. I guess because it wasn't a personal challenge for him, he made a point of saying it was fine but I didn't want to trigger any trauma. Eventually I asked - is it cool if we keep a bottle of wine to cook with and I can just have a glass occasionally?
> 
> In the end it wasn't such a big deal. Some days I was like "i would really enjoy a glass of wine" but don't like to drink alone so I wouldn't really do it unless we had guests who were also drinking. I cut out alcohol for health reasons recently and he has long since moved out. I think it's a habit like anything else and doesn't really define who you are. If you want to do it to support your husband, I think it'd be a nice gesture to support his sobriety.
> 
> Can you elaborate a bit on how you feel you don't recognize yourself? Is it just not being able to have a glass of wine around him? Or is there more that you're not mentioning that alters your behavior whe n you're around him?


Thank you I think you are reading between the lines correctly. I find I do alter myself around him i mean even censoring myself when I speak sometime.. it is getting better over time but I have a very big fear of rejection when it comes to him specially. It’s frustrating and I tend to over think it and things in general and that makes it worse.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lovinlifemostly said:


> I’m not sure if I’m too far gone in it because I am such a people pleaser.


For men in this situation there is a book called, "No More Mr Nice Guy!" which is mostly about learning to take care of yourself and setting boundaries before devoting yourself to take care of others. The book also talks about the notion of "covert contracts." This is an awkward phenomenon based on the Golden Rule of treat others as you would have them treat you, but with the realization that you can't expect others to be nice and try to please you just because you have been nice and tried to please them. You just have to be nice and expect nothing in return. 

The bottom line of that book is basically to know who you are, take care of yourself, love yourself, and then share that with those around you.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Thank you I’ll look for that book.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Elijah220 said:


> Firstly, her mentioning the wine was. A mere example of her bigger picture.
> 
> Secondly…as a child of 2 alcoholics and former bf of a meth addict, please don’t talk about how OUR actions are selfish to THEM. I assure you there is none more selfish than an addict.


Amen.


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## Lovinlifemostly (Apr 15, 2021)

Elijah220 said:


> Firstly, her mentioning the wine was. A mere example of her bigger picture.
> 
> Secondly…as a child of 2 alcoholics and former bf of a meth addict, please don’t talk about how OUR actions are selfish to THEM. I assure you there is none more selfish than an addict.


Thank you so much for this.


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