# My wife of 15 year feels disconnected



## willingandable (Oct 18, 2011)

I just stumbled on to this website and it feels like my prayers are being answered, I have been married to a wonderful woman for going on sixteen years and have to awesome girls and we have sure had our ups and downs. For that last couple of year I belive she has been trying to connect us 100 percent we have had intimacy issues and the last time we had a down we sat down to seek help from a therapist, I walked away thinking I had all kinds of tools in my belt, I was thinking she needed more help and support around the house doing chores etc. Last week I was blown away to find out she was DONE....I could see it in her eyes and it really scared me!! She says she has a place in her heart that has cement poured around it. I got down on my knees and prayed that we could make it better, I feel I have been gifted new sight and awareness but am starting to thik it might be to late. The new sight is what I see I mmissed, she did need help around the house but she also needed me to be there for her emotionally and spirtiually and I not giving her what she needed she starved. I want nothing more than to keep my family together and any make things work. I could really use some input.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

No man ever made his woman desire him by how well he could handle a vacuum.

You sound like a nice sincere guy. That's likely where your problems start.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

See if you find yourself in these links.

We're in the Men's Clubhouse if you have any questions.




willingandable said:


> I just stumbled on to this website and it feels like my prayers are being answered, I have been married to a wonderful woman for going on sixteen years and have to awesome girls and we have sure had our ups and downs. For that last couple of year I belive she has been trying to connect us 100 percent we have had intimacy issues and the last time we had a down we sat down to seek help from a therapist, I walked away thinking I had all kinds of tools in my belt, I was thinking she needed more help and support around the house doing chores etc. Last week I was blown away to find out she was DONE....I could see it in her eyes and it really scared me!! She says she has a place in her heart that has cement poured around it. I got down on my knees and prayed that we could make it better, I feel I have been gifted new sight and awareness but am starting to thik it might be to late. The new sight is what I see I mmissed, she did need help around the house but she also needed me to be there for her emotionally and spirtiually and I not giving her what she needed she starved. I want nothing more than to keep my family together and any make things work. I could really use some input.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Okay, so she SAID she was done because she felt abandoned emotionally and spiritually?

From experience and what other women tell me, I can tell you that what a woman wants most is to feel cherished. Perhaps she says she is done because she has lost hope.

Has she made any plans to end the marriage?

The best thing to do is to tell her that you have been wrong in ignoring her needs as your wife and partner and that she can be as mad as she wants to be for as long as she needs to be, but you mean to regain her trust.

Then treat her as if she is your reason for living.

Best,

Lyn


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My question to you is: *IF not you, WHO IS doing those things she wants?*

I don't believe she is going from something to nothing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

willingandable said:


> For that last couple of year I belive she has been trying to connect us 100 percent we have had intimacy issues and the last time we had a down we sat down to seek help from a therapist, I walked away thinking I had all kinds of tools in my belt, I was thinking she needed more help and support around the house doing chores etc. Last week I was blown away to find out she was DONE....


As a woman speaking, something doesn't compute. You say she was trying to connect "100 percent," then you state there have been intimacy problems, but you both went to a therapist. From there, you felt you had the tools necessary to resucitate the marriage, only to find out suddenly that your wife is finished with the marriage. Kaput. Outta here. 

Something about this does not sound right to me. Doing chores around the house is all well and good, but what about the tools to ensure emotional support and intimacy? I assume you had those at your disposal as a result of therapy.

And I'm in total agreement with michzz on this one: so WHO is it that is satisfying those needs if you aren't? Sounds like you've been replaced with someone else. Just a guess on my part, but when a woman blindsides a man with the I'm-so-over-this-relationship speech, it means she's been over it for AWHILE, but just decided now is the time to make the official announcement.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

It is another one. There are many of these 13, 15, 17, 20 year marriages where the woman give notice that she is emotionally out of the marriage. Mine was a shock to me earlier this year. Since then I have seen similar posts multiple times.

You will now hear about Manning-up, learn about the 180, the "Walk away wife syndrome", the female verison of a mid-life crisis and of course the possiblilty of another man.

My personal experience did show that manning up helps you, which is most important. The 180 is useful and almost like a shock treatment to get her heart beating again, in some cases, understand it fully be for starting. I believe to some degree that all these women are experiencing a mid-life crisis, which relates to the doing the walk-away (physically and/or mentally), and without a doubt due dilligence is need required to investigate if there is an EA or PA going on.

The hardest part for me is knowing that I understood our vows to mean that there would be ups and downs in the marriage. Not holding true to those vows is a breach of contract. 

I wish you well. Be strong!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

All I can say is that yeah, women would like to be cherished, but myself, I would settle for just being treated like I matter. It doesn't need to be all flowers and candy all the time and the whole venus treatment. 

If you had been ignoring her feelings like they don't matter for that long, and then her feelings froze up and now you are scrambling and now you care...it is now pathetic. The "too little too late" syndrome. It might seem like you've been forced to be caring and considerate of her now. I'm just grasping at some straws here and I know they aren't pleasant, but...maybe true? I don't know your whole situation but I do speak from experience and from witnessing a few other cases in which the same thing happened. There is just a difference between doing something because you want to, and doing something because you now have outside coercion or because, uh-oh, things are really looking like they are messed up. 

It's a tough situation and I wish you the best. Please, if you guys figure out a solution, let us know here because I would like to know how you can fix something like this myself.


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## tuli (Oct 23, 2011)

Conrad said:


> No man ever made his woman desire him by how well he could handle a vacuum.


I'm new here, I searched for a forum like this because I feel disconnected from my husband. I've been married for 17 years, after marrying at 18. Have 3 kids. 

I can't tell you how many discussions I had with my husband about needing more help, involvement, and there's no change. The above quote jumped at me. Ironically I do find it sexy when my husband helps out around the house. Because it tells me that he cares. He helps out for about 30 minutes every 6 months or so. I make sure I tell him how much I appreciate it, and lavish him with attention and care. He doesn't like to help me out no matter what, and of course there's no emotional connection either. 

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. I think you are doing the right thing. I'd be thrilled if my husband showed so much interest in staying together. I would have tried to work it out. 

My marriage is obviously in worse shape than yours--my husband is a very proud, stubborn mand. He would never show me that he wanted to stay together, never 'beg'. 

Be there for her. Show her that you are willing to work on the relationship. I hope you work things out.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

"My marriage is obviously in worse shape than yours--my husband is a very proud, stubborn mand. He would never show me that he wanted to stay together, never 'beg'."




I have seen men like these change their tunes when their bags are on the sidewalk or they come home to find the wife they have dismissed and abused for 50 years is dead. My father, for one. If they don;t feel there is any reason they need to change, they won;t. Sometimes they need an outside motivation.

Best,

Lyn


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think the fact that we all are here at this website shows we care.

Tuli and Lyn give advice that does not apply in my case. As Tuli describes it she would have found me very sexy husband. I have always helped with the chores and actually do much more than she. In Lyns description, I am the only one showing I care about the marriage and was the first to mention she was disengaged from the marriage and the only one interested in trying to repair it.

Maybe it is less about male or female and more about one person caring more about the marriage. I have thought in my case it comes down to a degree of which person is treating the marriage more like an adult and the other more like a teenager.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

willingandable said:


> I just stumbled on to this website and it feels like my prayers are being answered, I have been married to a wonderful woman for going on sixteen years and have to awesome girls and we have sure had our ups and downs. For that last couple of year I belive she has been trying to connect us 100 percent we have had intimacy issues and the last time we had a down we sat down to seek help from a therapist, I walked away thinking I had all kinds of tools in my belt, I was thinking she needed more help and support around the house doing chores etc. Last week I was blown away to find out she was DONE....I could see it in her eyes and it really scared me!! She says she has a place in her heart that has cement poured around it. I got down on my knees and prayed that we could make it better, I feel I have been gifted new sight and awareness but am starting to thik it might be to late. The new sight is what I see I mmissed, she did need help around the house but she also needed me to be there for her emotionally and spirtiually and I not giving her what she needed she starved. I want nothing more than to keep my family together and any make things work. I could really use some input.


And she may very well just could be done. BUT, do some investigation and see if she is having her needs met by someone else. Just best to eliminate that first. If she is in an affair you cannot work on the marriage.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

This is me said:


> Maybe it is less about male or female and more about one person caring more about the marriage. I have thought in my case it comes down to a degree of which person is treating the marriage more like an adult and the other more like a teenager.


Good point. 

Best,

Lyn


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## willingandable (Oct 18, 2011)

I posted up my story on another thread on the 17th and decided to open my own, since then I have had a chance to really talk with my wife and get real about the marriage. After spending several hours talking and feeling out what we both want we are going to make our marriage work, We both have alot of work to do but I do have faith that the marriage will work. We have spent some awesome one on one time and I understand on my part where I went wrong......I could tell you everything there is to know about the latest archery gear from bow,arrows or broadheads but could not tell you the last time we just sat down and talked or that I even really listened to her. I understand moving foward I need to prioritize what means the most to me and by far that would be my wife and kids.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Good for you for getting started. Make sure you are asking her specifically she wants more of (alone time with you, dates, little gifts, physical affection, more verbal admiration, etc.). Don't assume again you know what she wants.

I would also give her a list of what you want from HER. I'm sure if she feels disconnected, she feels like she wants to give you more of what you want. And when she gives you more of what you want, it can motivate you to giver her more of what she wants, and so on and so on.

Good luck!


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

willingandable said:


> we are going to make our marriage work, We both have alot of work to do but I do have faith that the marriage will work.


Excellent news! Good for you guys!

Probably the best advice I can give you on putting your marriage back together is to be patient and keep putting one foot in front of the other...it worked for us.

Best,

Lyn


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Lyn said:


> I have seen men like these change their tunes when their bags are on the sidewalk or they come home to find the wife they have dismissed and abused for 50 years is dead. My father, for one. If they don;t feel there is any reason they need to change, they won;t. Sometimes they need an outside motivation.


Not exactly my case, but close. Once I started trying to win my wife back after her "walking away", I was devastated to find out that it was my fault. I wanted this woman back more than anything, and to find out the condtion of my marriage was MY FAULT? She'd always told me what was wrong, but there were never any negative consequences. Once those consequences were laid out in front of me, I changed overnight.

This post is not for the OP. His wife is gone. They don't come back. 180? Do it for YOU. You can man up and 180 all you want. All it takes is ONE little slip up and she see's you for the man you WERE. She won't take you back because she's already protected herself from more hurt.

My wife hit me with a brick. I don't lose my temper AT ALL any more. Once I saw that my family happiness was more important than getting out of the house on time, or the kids putting my tools away, or (insert cause for temper blowout). I don't say mean things to people any more.

I saw the negative consequences, but it was too late. Girls, hit your husband/boyfriend with that metaphorical brick early in your relationship. If it doesn't help, hit harder. If that one doesn't work, leave.


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## Mis. Loved (Oct 25, 2011)

I also feel disconnected from my husband of 14 years. We have a 3 year old. Just a year prior to our sons birth, I had told him I was done. He just laughed. I had written him a letter and told him he'd better read it because it wasnt a joke. I had already spoken to a lawyer by that point. When I finally stopped being his maid, cook and sexual appliance, he figured out I WAS serious. Then he eventually begged me to not leave. He swore he would change. Be more loving and emotionally attached to our life together. Fast forwar and I am sitting here in the same ole situation, except now I have my sweet son to worry about. I have tried everything. I have emailed him helpful links that I have read and he mocks me with them or throws them up in my face. Then acts like I am crazy when I tell him not to mock me. Then wants to try to put the moves on me after mistreating me all day. So sad about yous and my situation. 
I hope your's works out soon.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Mis. Loved said:


> Then acts like I am crazy when I tell him not to mock me. Then wants to try to put the moves on me after mistreating me all day. So sad about yous and my situation.
> I hope your's works out soon.



These are techniques to intimidate you. I'm very sorry you are going through this.

Best,

Lyn


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT (Oct 24, 2011)

Mis. Loved said:


> I also feel disconnected from my husband of 14 years. We have a 3 year old. Just a year prior to our sons birth, I had told him I was done. He just laughed. I had written him a letter and told him he'd better read it because it wasnt a joke. I had already spoken to a lawyer by that point. When I finally stopped being his maid, cook and sexual appliance, he figured out I WAS serious. Then he eventually begged me to not leave. He swore he would change. Be more loving and emotionally attached to our life together. Fast forwar and I am sitting here in the same ole situation, except now I have my sweet son to worry about. I have tried everything. I have emailed him helpful links that I have read and he mocks me with them or throws them up in my face. Then acts like I am crazy when I tell him not to mock me. Then wants to try to put the moves on me after mistreating me all day. So sad about yous and my situation.
> I hope your's works out soon.


Put divorce papers in his hands and see how that mocking turns to fear.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This disconnection syndrome is crazy happened at year 17. As many of you know my wife "disconnected " two years ago. crazy thing is everything is normal and happy except for the sex. I felt compelled to enforce a 6-month celibacy just to get her to address the issue head on.

I think women just get too busy to care...they disconnect from their husbands we try to fix things and they just reap all the benefits without doing anything to re-connect. It's disappointing.

I had to threaten divorce if we can't get our sex life back... it's crazy women make us go to such extremes. It's a form of infidelity.

I love my wife no matter what but this whole two year period of virtually no improvement makes ZERO rational sense.

Oh well 2012 is only a few months away. At least she has a date in her mind of when she should re-connect by. Seeing changes in her everyday for the better. Seems liek we are heading toward a better tomorrow.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I think women just get too busy to care...they disconnect from their husbands we try to fix things and they just reap all the benefits without doing anything to re-connect. It's disappointing.



I remember reading about this a few years, back. It has a name, and of course is referred to as a "syndrome." Women are too busy and distracted to enjoy their relationships, between work, home, children, leading, ultimately, to exhaustion.

Best,

Lyn


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I think my wife may have this syndrome.


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## willingandable (Oct 18, 2011)

So we have been spending alot of one on one time together doing things we have not done for along time and it feels good, my issue right now is trying not to push foward to fast. I know it took a long time to get real bad and it will take alot of time to get back to great. I still have faith we will get there.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

willingandable said:


> So we have been spending alot of one on one time together doing things we have not done for along time and it feels good, my issue right now is trying not to push foward to fast. I know it took a long time to get real bad and it will take alot of time to get back to great. I still have faith we will get there.



Good for you!

Lyn


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

willingandable said:


> So we have been spending alot of one on one time together doing things we have not done for along time and it feels good, my issue right now is trying not to push foward to fast. I know it took a long time to get real bad and it will take alot of time to get back to great. I still have faith we will get there.


That's great to hear! I would suggest reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman. I believe in a situation such as yours it will show your wife that you are making the effort on your own to re-connect, but it is also a great book for both of you to read & better understand what makes each of you feel loved and valued in the marriage. While you may believe helping around the house is showing her love, she may not receive it that way and may be more inclined to respond to spending time together, speaking loving to her, etc.


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## willingandable (Oct 18, 2011)

I wanted to try and gage where we are right now so I asked her where she is seeing us as of now, she said she feels really guilty because she can see I am giving 110% and even though she has enjoyed the time we have spent together she is sitt not feeling connected. I did tell her that it took a long time to get there so i am not expecting things to happen over night. All the input has been helpful and if anyone has some ideas on trying to reconnect please give me you input. thanks


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

willingandable said:


> I wanted to try and gage where we are right now so I asked her where she is seeing us as of now, she said she feels really guilty because she can see I am giving 110% and even though she has enjoyed the time we have spent together she is sitt not feeling connected. I did tell her that it took a long time to get there so i am not expecting things to happen over night. All the input has been helpful and if anyone has some ideas on trying to reconnect please give me you input. thanks


Shock and awe..worked for me. Two days ago.

Make her make a choice! But you have to be at the point if things go south you are ok with that.

My wife's feelings changed in two hours! After two years of sexlessness after the ILYNILWY speech. I busted my butt for two years it was her turn! Because she put me through hell I made my demands.

I went bold demanded 2-3x sexual output with variety and enthusiasm plus be open to fantasies and try new things  from her as she was really the cause of making me act out in the first place with her low sex output... two years meant time her "healing" time was UP! She is really happy I see that by her actions towards me now. Some women don't have time to fix things themselves that "feeling" junk is just a cop-out giving her permission to DELAY and eventually FAIL.

Do it after your wife screws something way up and makes you upset. It's more effective when you have her obvious screw up to point out. Hit her when shes down... her feelings and connection will magically re-appear. Especially if you show her the door if she objects. Women need a strong man not one that is willing to let her step on them. Like you right now. I was there I know.

you have to use the shock treatment or you will suffer a slow agonizing death. Quit asking her how she feels let her know how you feel and its up to her to change that! Be quick about it!

Be the man. You know what a great marriage should be like DEMAND it especially when your woman pulls the feelings junk.

Hit her hard in words and shock her to make a decision now.

Be the adult...you don't have time for this junk.

It's like a giant anchor has been lifted off me.


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## Mis. Loved (Oct 25, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Shock and awe..worked for me. Two days ago.
> 
> 
> Be the man. You know what a great marriage should be like DEMAND it especially when your woman pulls the feelings junk.
> ...


So I feel the same way about my hubby, but the shock and awe formula has not worked as I have tried this before. 

He did pay attention to me this weekend, which was nice. SO I think maybe he gets it. Wrong. Sex one time and he is back to his normal routine.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Mis. Loved said:


> So I feel the same way about my hubby, but the shock and awe formula has not worked as I have tried this before.
> 
> He did pay attention to me this weekend, which was nice. SO I think maybe he gets it. Wrong. Sex one time and he is back to his normal routine.


Then follow up with your threat. Then he'll get it.

You can't shock and NOT follow through. If ours goes south I'll pack her bags.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

willingandable said:


> I wanted to try and gage where we are right now so I asked her where she is seeing us as of now, she said she feels really guilty because she can see I am giving 110% and even though she has enjoyed the time we have spent together she is sitt not feeling connected. I did tell her that it took a long time to get there so i am not expecting things to happen over night. All the input has been helpful and if anyone has some ideas on trying to reconnect please give me you input. thanks


She doesn't feel connected because she doesn't act connected. Simple as that. If you wait for her to act, you will be waiting forever, so you need to be the one who takes action. Bid for connection. Don't quit no matter how many times she turns away. Keep it up until you get what you need. 

How to mend bids for connection


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## willingandable (Oct 18, 2011)

swedish said:


> That's great to hear! I would suggest reading 'The 5 Love Languages' by Chapman. I believe in a situation such as yours it will show your wife that you are making the effort on your own to re-connect, but it is also a great book for both of you to read & better understand what makes each of you feel loved and valued in the marriage. While you may believe helping around the house is showing her love, she may not receive it that way and may be more inclined to respond to spending time together, speaking loving to her, etc.


We just started reading this book together two nights ago, I have already learned what one of the five love languages she speaks.


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## willingandable (Oct 18, 2011)

So the other night we were reading the 5 love languages and my wife says her hang up is than when I did not figure out how to speak her love languages she basically just gave up on them and found away to block them out, what do I do to get her to open back up so I can try and like they say in the book fill her love tank?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Shock and awe.

I'm serious my wife was same as yours... a closed book. Two years little change. In a month I opened her heart to me using the celibacy arrangement then shocking her with a major reality check. I told flat out her things will change one way or another! She was free to leave if anything sounded crazy. She stayed 

That did it for her... she's happy now. I'm happy now.

She is no longer emotionally disconnected. This is after her shutting off emotions for me two years ago.

Took two years total to get here. I was filling her love tank all along without much in the way of positive reinforcement. I was consistent. It was non stop mental anguish. Now my minds clear. Like the fog lifted. My wife is delightful again.

Get to the point of being OK with or without her, become a man any woman would love. Don't be afraid to stand up to her all along let her know when she upsets you. Keep trying for sex don't ask just try...if she says no then say you know what I'm not in the mood either anymore and leave. Try again another day. Don't ever feel bad about your desire to have sex with your wife. Don't give up.

Become a man she respects.

The problem is you let this thing drag out it gets harder and harder to change the reality of a sexless existence. I learned that in research so two years was my limit of waiting for the natural progression of healing. Shock was absolutely necessary to affect major change. So glad I did it! So is she.

Its not all your fault...it's both your faults. Lead her out of this...she is incapable of doing it obviously. take control of your marriage. Don't ask her just do it.

Bottom line...Most sexless/disconnected marriages either drag on for many years/lifetimes OR they fail.
Only a handful get fixed. I didn't like the other outcomes. It takes a plan. Never give up.

Here was my timeline...

2 years ILNILWY (We hugged she said it'd just take her time)

Pleaded, groveled, went overboard I looked weak

1.85 Sincerely apologized for my part in letter (She cried and gave me a hug thank you hug)

1.75 Let her know what I need sexaully (She felt lectured too)

1.5 Another talk (She said lets go with flow)

1 Another talk (Same "feelings")

0.5 Another talk (Same "feelings")

1 month ago talk (same "feelings") / Firm letter and new celibacy period

2 weeks ago SHOCK told her exactly what I desire. Gave her a major REALITY CHECK.

Now... looking forward to sex on Saturday. Then after Thanksgiving, in December a few times...

Get a plan in place and a timeline... there is no quick fix. Work on yourself and be consistent.

DON'T ACCEPT SEXLESSNESS/DISCONNECTION


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