# So Confused and Distraught About Wife's Behavior



## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

I have been trying to deal with all of this internally but I am so confused about what has happened I need to let it out. Here is the story (I will try to make it as brief as possible):

My wife and I were just married, prior to our marriage we moved to a new town where we knew little people. My wife had one friend she knew for some time here and I had a few of my own.

Once we moved, through unique circumstances I became a bit depressed and extremely busy with work. I was barely able to leave the office and when I did, I was too depressed to really make it out to socialize. Thus, my wife started hanging out with this new girlfriend and her boyfriend a lot. She had told me they usually hung out with this other friend, a single guy, and he was around a lot. I had met them all once or twice but did not get the opportunity to hang out with them a lot. 

At first everything was fine, i understood she needed to socialize and was fine with her hanging out with these people. Then progressively she started withdrawing from my emotionally and was out a lot more of the time. She would stay out late, party, etc. with these people and I would be in the office or home. I started getting curious and asking her about things and at first she got very defensive, saying that I was trying to control her. I let her know that I was fine with everything but didn't think she should be hanging out with the single guy alone in weird situations. 

Everything seemed OK, I got less depressed and began to socialize more with these people and others. Then about two weeks before our wedding, when I was out of town, she went on a trip with 5 other people (the girl, her boyfriend, one other couple I didnt know and the single guy. Basically what happened was she had told me she was invited before and I said I didnt think it was cool if she were going on a trip with just 2 other couples, her and some single guy but it would be fine if other single people were there. She got into this huge fight with me but then I think she realized I was right. After that, her friend called me when I was out of town and made some story up about other people going, not just the 6. 

I thought it was strange but my wife said there were other people going so i let it go, the next day she told me that it was just the 6 people and the others didnt go. I was livid and distraught, and I didnt know what to do. I later found out the friend of my wife called and made the story up to me, my wife says she had no idea she was going to do this. My wife (fiance at time) apologized for her lying but didnt think she shouldnt be able to go just because of this guy.

After I confronted her about everything she still wouldnt admit the friend lied until about a month later, after the wedding. This time I was very concerned about what she was doing because she was out of town and realized I was anxious because I didnt trust her. She finally confessed a lot of lies that I had been suspecting:

- she lied a few times about when the single guy and her hung out alone together, including one time she let him drive her home at 3 am and he came up and had a beer when i was out of town. Prior to this, she had said he just dropped her off.

- she lied other times about things with this guy or omitted certain times that it was just the two of them.

- altogether she gave me three or four instances where she omitted or lied about things involving them.

She maintains that nothing ever happened physically. I did not believe her so I made her call her friend on speaker without her knowing I was there and her friend seemed to indicate nothing happened. Additionally, i asked to read her emails and she let me - there was nothing that indicates anything physical expect for one time she mentioned to her friend that she had a "secret" and the couple did not know about it. My wife says she meant the secret was she had a "weird feeling" about this guy which quickly dissolved. One other email says that the "thing" fizzled and that was that.

There is a bit more detail but basically I don't know what all this means. I am having a lot of trouble trusting my wife. Was it an EA, more? what just happened to me?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You don't have any proof so far but since you were absent from the trip how can you be sure it was an EA and not a PA? I think that's more likely.

Have you talked to the other couple yourself? Maybe they'll clue you in some stuff.

Is she doing anything now that is suspicious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Ever since the wedding, she was fine and everything seemed fine. Nothing suspicious or shady, really. I just had bad feelings.

It has been about two weeks since she confessed the lies and all the stuff from before and she has since stopped talking to all of the group of friends. 

I haven't talked to the other couple except for listening in on a conversation with my wife and her friend about them, where my wife's friend said that nothing happened. 

My wife said they slept in different tents, and the friendship was never like that. She just really liked this group of friends and didnt want to miss out of doing cool things because I was away and not part of the group. 

She adamantly denies a PA even after I have told her I could forgive it. Its just hard for me to believe that she would feel compelled to lie otherwise. Yet there is no evidence, in the emails, phone calls, etc.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How about now, when you're away from town does she go out with friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

She says she is not going to go out of town with friends when I am away now because she wants to rebuild the trust she lost from lying before.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

clam said:


> She says she is not going to go out of town with friends when I am away now because she wants to rebuild the trust she lost from lying before.


Is this something you can verify and be 100% sure it's the truth?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes. Although she initially remained in contact with these people (texting and emailing them not in person), she told them she was not going to see them for a while and has since cut off contact.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Clam, I've been married 26 years and about 2 years ago my husband and I both hurt one another very badly. As you can see by me being here, I still hurt when I allow my mind to wander back to those days even now, but we are working it out wonderfully and have learned so much. 

What I have learned is to trust your instinct/gut. It's never wrong. There is a little bit of the truth in every lie, you just have to use what you know about human nature and common sense to figure it out. If this friend of hers (the girlfriend who lied) is not a friend of the marriage (and it appears she isn't) then there can't be a friendship between her and your wife. A husband and wife need to be best friends. You have to know beyond any doubt that your spouse will treat your heart better than you do, that they will have your back in any situation. If this woman and your wife have secrets from you and your wife has lied to you then you are not her best friend. This is a problem that will only become worse over time. Took mine 24 years.

My husband's EA and his lack of communicating about it after the fact has only proved to me that our imaginations are far worse than anything that may have actually happened so please consider that. Until you have evidence it would be best to drop it and not accuse but by all means don't be stupid. 

This trip and lack of proof may be best left in the past but from here on out, I would be very leery of this friend and under no circumstances would I allow my spouse to be alone with anyone, single or married, that I had concerns about.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks InsideJoke. After talking through these things with my wife, I was very concerned she would try to remain friends with the one girlfriend who was ruining our marriage. However, recently my wife has realized that it is best if she leaves her behind and cut off the friendship.

I think she realized that she was getting in the middle of our marriage and that she wasnt allowing my wife to be dedicated to me in a way a marriage requires. 

As for the relationship with this guy, though, I just can't get over feeling like something physical happened and my wife is still lying to me despite evidence showing that nothing did happen and very little evidence of PA aside from being in places and situations where it would happen. 

I just want the truth but all the lies from before, and the trickle truth, make it so hard to believe nothing really went on.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

Clam, your gut is telling you that something happened and it has been my experience that when I feel this way then something most likely did. BUT, remember that crazy imagination of ours. Don't let it run away with you!!! PA, I don't think so from what you've written, but a kiss or that she was maybe infatuated with this guy I would believe (if I'm reading your "gut" above correctly.)

It does seem that your wife is doing the right things now though. I agree, this woman is trouble and needs to be nothing more than an acquaintance. I know this is eating on you, it's a horrible feeling. You've looked for proof, there is none. Believe me when I tell you that if you continue to dwell on this it will eat you alive.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks. I agree I need to stop dwelling. She has mentioned before that she had a weird feeling about this guy but she says it was just that she thought it was weird that she was always hanging out with this other couple and this one guy and I was not around. 

I still think it was more than that, maybe a little crush, which the email I read to another friend indicated slightly, but maybe not. Yet for some reason, my gut which has been pretty spot on this whole time, is telling me there is more she is not telling me. 

Could it be that she initially thought she wanted to remain friends with these people and thus told me the details that were just her lies and nothing so egregious with these other people? Now that she is not friends anymore maybe she will let all the truth out?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Pretty likely that there was some cheating involved. Her behavior is pretty suspicious during that time. Her "secret" reference is also shady. And he was in your home at 3/:00 in the morning when you were out of town and he dropped her off regularly? Doesn't seem good at all. 



> there was nothing that indicates anything physical expect for one time she mentioned to her friend that she had a "secret" and the couple did not know about it. My wife says she meant the secret was she had a "weird feeling" about this guy which quickly dissolved.


This is most likely a lie. If it does not make sense, it is a lie

Ask to send from her mobile a message to this guy "Remember the last time we hooked up" or something similar and see how he responds back. If he denies it, you can play it off as a wrong number thing. More importantly, how she reacts to this suggestion will give you a lot of information.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You'll need to monitor her for some time. Get yourself a few voice-activated recorders (VAR) and plant them at places where she would talk on the phone. Plant one in her car.

Keylog her computer. Check the cell phone billing records.

Ask her for the truth again. Tell her you're going to bring her to a lie detection place. Make that appointment.

Your marriage just started. And she's already lying before you got married. 

Her friend lied to you. No need to talk to her or her husband since they cant be trusted.

Be prepared that she had sex with the single guy.

For now, do not have any joint bank accounts or loans/debts with her. No joint credit cards.

Be prepared if you have to annul your marriage.

Sometimes you need to be prepared to let her go in order for her to be serious about the marriage.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Ask to send from her mobile a message to this guy "Remember the last time we hooked up" or something similar and see how he reacts. If he denies it, you can play it off as a wrong number thing. More importantly, how she reacts to this suggestion will give you a lot of information.


Good idea.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

The dropping her off and coming up late at night only happened once. They really only hung out alone two or three other times, most of the other times there were people with them. 

That is a good suggestion about the text, thanks.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do it on the spot. Dn't give her heads up that you are going to do it


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

I wish I had thought of that a few weeks ago before calling her friend on conference. At this point, he will probably think something is suspicious but I think if she texts him something like --

"remember the last time we hooked up, do you think there could have been anyone who could have seen us?" that could work and even make it less suspicious since he knows she is already going through struggles with me.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

clam said:


> The dropping her off and coming up late at night only happened once. They really only hung out alone two or three other times, most of the other times there were people with them.
> 
> That is a good suggestion about the text, thanks.


How do you know what's the truth? She hasnt really been forthright now, has she?


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Very true. She wasnt forthright before and claims to have come clean with everything since. There really wouldnt have been many other times she could have since I wasnt out of town and she doesnt have many nights she isnt able provide a decent explanation for.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

InsideJoke said:


> Not dwelling is easier said than done (my presence here tonight) lol.
> 
> Got a short story for you about truth, it happened many years ago when we were married about 5 years. We married young, 21 & 22. Hubby and 4 of his buddies go to Dallas to a Ranger game. I'm at home with our children. Boys night, no harm right. Typical questions the next day from me to him, how was the game, etc. He came home stinking drunk around 4am, told me this big long funny story that one of the guys had thrown up and they took him to a car wash to wash him off, funny stuff right? He lost his cowboy hat somewhere during the night. Over the next few months I noticed that these 4 buddies weren't hanging around anymore, hardly called anymore, hubby said that they were single, he wasn't, he had outgrown them so to speak. My gut spoke to me then but I was young and busy with two little girls. I felt he was avoiding them.
> 
> 4 years later we are at a company picnic sitting around in our lawn chairs and the guy they took to the car wash that night was there and hadn't seen my H since that night and started joking around with him saying things like "hey man, did you ever get your hat back from that girl?" and "man that was fun, I danced all night." The look I gave my husband could have burned a hole straight through his head. Moral of this not so short story is the truth has a way of coming out,,, eventually. I tell you this story because I wonder if she has dumped these friends as my H did in order to put an incident she's not so proud of behind her and move on with you in a life she wants. These guys had "dirt" on my husband and he didn't want them around me anymore was my best guess.



Good story. Appropriate.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks for sharing. Definitely a good story. 

Why I doubt she dumped these friends because of any dirt, though, is because I was the one who urged her that she needed to take some away from them to help rebuild things. After a bit of time away, she started wanting to hang with them again. When they were unsympathetic to her after this time apart she finally and reluctantly admitted they could not be friends anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

clam said:


> Very true. She wasnt forthright before and claims to have come clean with everything since. There really wouldnt have been many other times she could have since I wasnt out of town and she doesnt have many nights she isnt able provide a decent explanation for.


How about during the day? Does your wife work? 

What about the single guy? What does he do?

Does your wife have a break during the day? Lunch? Could they have met up then?

I also find it strange that her "friends" would set her up with a single guy on that trip before the marriage. Why do they feel she needed to be coupled up? Didnt they know she was getting married in a week or so?



Oops, I have too many questions too, it seems.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

aug said:


> You'll need to monitor her for some time. *DEFINITELY!*
> 
> Get yourself a few voice-activated recorders (VAR) and plant them at places where she would talk on the phone. Plant one in her car. *A little over board, I think.*
> 
> ...


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Thanks for the questions, aug. Please feel free to ask as many as you'd like. 

To answer them:

- My wife works but this guy works far enough away that meeting during lunch would not be possible. 

- Her friends really didnt try to couple anyone up. The one girl and her boyfriend pretty much hang out with this third single guy all the time (why, i do not know). So while my wife would generally be making plans with her girlfriend, the guy would inevitably be around. As time went by, though, my wife started making plans with this guy and other people in the group of friends - when the girl was out of time - she claims the only time that really happened was the time he came to our house at night. 

I dont think they intended to couple her up with this guy on the trip, maybe they did or maybe not, but they claim to just be going as a group of friends, not really coupled up. My wife says she slept in the tent with the girl and her boyfriend and they hung out as a group pretty much the entire time.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

He needs the VAR so that he knows her actions matches her words and he can regain that trust.

The lie detector test is to give him peace of mind that she's telling the truth now.

But I agree that these are overboard and may have negative repercussion.


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## InsideJoke (Jul 26, 2012)

I agree she needs monitoring but in all honesty I think all of those suggestions would really cost some $ to do and maybe just doing one or two to start will provide enough info and he can judge from that if he needs to pursue.

Her lying even a little about this troubles me. People lie to either benefit or protect themselves, no other reason I can think of.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

The lies are the most troubling to me, too. She claims that she was lying because she thought I would not be happy with what was going on and would try to stop her from doing things and hanging out with them. She also claims that she omitted stuff and lied because she didn't want to deal with the confrontation knowing there was nothing really going on besides friendship.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

The other thing that troubles me is when I confronted her with the first lie and asked her for passwords for email, she immediately went into the emails and tried to delete some.

After I told her if she better not delete anything, she undeleted them and I found them. Just more dishonesty. 

Also, even though I was not really thinking I would look at the time, she deleted her texts with this guy before I could read them and said it was just impulsive and she did it because she was so frustrated that I needed to do this and didnt trust her this much. 

She has since admitted it was a terrible idea to delete that stuff but I am left worrying about what was in these texts she had to delete.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The other thing that troubles me is when I confronted her with the first lie and asked her for passwords for email, she immediately went into the emails and tried to delete some.





> She also claims that she omitted stuff and lied because she didn't want to deal with the confrontation knowing there was nothing really going on besides friendship.


These two are mutually exclusive. Nothing going on yet something is going on enough to motivate her to delete stuff?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Is it an iphone? If so, sync with iTunes. Then go to the backup directory to get the deleted texts. Google or a few posts on this website have the instructions.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

It is an iPhone. That is possible?


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

Let me see when the backup is from.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

She lied to continue hanging out with the single guy--sorry but that is it.

The friend lied to you because your wife told her to.

I know you say he only drove her home a few times and came in for a beer once. How many times alone do you think it takes to have sex?

New town, impending wedding..she should have been way more into you. Friends and especially new single guy friends should have been the last thing on her mind. She is deleting and back tracking. Something happened or else she wouldnt be so defensive. When she is in the shower or asleep grab her phone and send the text to him. Or grab her phone before you goto work (say it was an accident) that will give you more time to get #'s from her contact list & see the incoming emails/texts.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Did a quick search. Try this link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51334-d-day-2-a-5.html#post915261


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

The only other scenario is the girlfriend was sick of the single guy friend hanging out and being the 3rd wheel. Maybe she feels like the 3rd wheel and wanted to hook him up. Be glad this friend is gone.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Yeah, the girl friend is toxic and i would be wary of her being anywhere near the wife.


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## clam (Aug 7, 2012)

There is only a backup here until November, 2011. I think the rest is backed up to iCloud.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

clam said:


> The other thing that troubles me is when I confronted her with the first lie and asked her for passwords for email, she immediately went into the emails and tried to delete some.
> 
> After I told her if she better not delete anything, she undeleted them and I found them. Just more dishonesty.
> 
> ...


What about selective undelete. She only confessed what she got caught for or what she could minimize. Why would she indulge in so much deception for something that meant nothing?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

InsideJoke said:


> Clam, I've been married 26 years and about 2 years ago my husband and I both hurt one another very badly. As you can see by me being here, I still hurt when I allow my mind to wander back to those days even now, but we are working it out wonderfully and have learned so much.
> 
> *What I have learned is to trust your instinct/gut. It's never wrong. There is a little bit of the truth in every lie, you just have to use what you know about human nature and common sense to figure it out. If this friend of hers (the girlfriend who lied) is not a friend of the marriage (and it appears she isn't) then there can't be a friendship between her and your wife. A husband and wife need to be best friends. You have to know beyond any doubt that your spouse will treat your heart better than you do, that they will have your back in any situation. If this woman and your wife have secrets from you and your wife has lied to you then you are not her best friend. * This is a problem that will only become worse over time. Took mine 24 years.
> 
> ...


^^^^^^^^^^^
This is the most profound statement [ to me ]I have ever read on the CWI forum.
I don't want to hijack the thread,but let me share an experience.
My wife had a friend whose brother was wanted to f..k my wife. Of course he didn't tell my wife that,my wife thought he was a " cool guy" etc. I told her I did not like her talking with this guy. She was upset and told me the usual balh ,blah, blah. 
She asked me how did I know he just wanted to f..k her,I told her, " simple....", he is always uncomfortable around me and he does not like or respect me.
Sometime later, it came out that another couple were having serious marital problems, husband found out this SAME GUY was f..king his wife.....
My wife was speechless.

Lesson I learnt:

Anyone who is not a friend of the marriage CANNOT be a friend of either my wife or I.
If the OP had set such boundaries then it might have been different. However hindsight is 20/20.
Learn from this experience!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

clam said:


> -she lied a few times about when the single guy and her hung out alone together, including one time she let him drive her home at 3 am and he came up and had a beer when i was out of town. Prior to this, she had said he just dropped her off.


Personally,I would find this really bothersome.When I was young and single,had a supposedly committed woman invited me up to her place at that time in the morning for a drink while her husband was out of town there would be certain thoughts going through my mind.When you first started dating your wife did she ever present you with a similar situation? If so,what were your expectations at the time and what happened? Her boundaries are pretty poor for someone in a relationship,and the thing is,she's aware that they are or she wouldn't have lied and tried to minimize.This is just my opinion and I do hope you can find the answers that you need to be truly satisfied that your wife is as committed to your marriage as you are,because from what you have written in your OP she has been acting single for quite awhile.Good luck and take care.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

TBT... I get what you're saying and i agree. This woman cannot claim naivety as an excuse for all this, since she lied to keep on doing these behaviors. She knew what she was doing wasn't kosher.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't help but wonder if the real reason she is not hanging out with this group is that maybe she told the single guy now that she's married there isn't going to be any more fooling around and he's upset with her.

Since he'd been in the group longer, they ditched her because it was awkward with her there after she ended whatever it was with him.

One thing we can be certain of - the OM would have been chasing her. He started out as just part of the group, but he moved into being one of her main contact points. He moved into being the one to drive her home, and he was the only other single person on the trip. There is no way this guy didn't make a move given that opportunity and situation.

If she says he never even tried to kiss her/ask her out - then you know for sure she's holding back the truth. Let's see - guy + girl hanging out late drinking - and he never one tried something?? Really?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW - When you hear the words "Controlling" come out - that's when you should always start paying attention for cheating.


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## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

There are some serious red flags.



clam said:


> she lied a few times about when the single guy and her hung out alone together, including one time she let him drive her home at 3 am and he came up and had a beer when i was out of town.


If nothing was happening, she wouldn't feel the need to lie about it. That is to say, if she felt she wasn't doing anything inappropriate, keeping it from you wouldn't have registered with her.



clam said:


> she lied other times about things with this guy or omitted certain times that it was just the two of them.


See above.



clam said:


> ...she mentioned to her friend that she had a "secret" and the couple did not know about it. *My wife says she meant the secret was she had a "weird feeling" about this guy which quickly dissolved. * One other email says that the "thing" fizzled and that was that.


This is almost certainly b u l l s h i t. She is gaslighting you. The secret 'thing' is not a 'weird feeling'; it will be something tangible.



clam said:


> The lies are the most troubling to me, too. She claims that she was lying because she thought I would not be happy with what was going on and would try to stop her from doing things and hanging out with them. She also claims that she omitted stuff and lied because she didn't want to deal with the confrontation knowing there was nothing really going on besides friendship.


Again, if she felt she wasn't doing anything inappropriate, then this explanation doesn't make sense.



clam said:


> ...when I confronted her with the first lie and asked her for passwords for email, she immediately went into the emails and tried to delete some [. . .] she deleted her texts with this guy before I could read them and said it was just impulsive and she did it because she was so frustrated that I needed to do this and didnt trust her this much.


She was frustrated that you didn't trust her after she gave you several reasons not to trust her?! More lies. Treat this as seriously as it deserves: it is indirect evidence.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I can't help but wonder if the real reason she is not hanging out with this group is that maybe she told the single guy now that she's married there isn't going to be any more fooling around and he's upset with her.
> 
> Since he'd been in the group longer, they ditched her because it was awkward with her there after she ended whatever it was with him.
> 
> ...


I am thinking more of that her friends were pissed off that she was fooling around with this guy while married(Or that these 2 kept them out of the loop and hooked up behind their backs)


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I can't help but wonder if the real reason she is not hanging out with this group is that maybe she told the single guy now that she's married there isn't going to be any more fooling around and he's upset with her.
> 
> Since he'd been in the group longer, they ditched her because it was awkward with her there after she ended whatever it was with him.


My guess is the opposite. The WW dropped the friends because they know and saw too much. If BH starts interacting with these people, now that his depression meltdown is over, it can only result in exposure at some point. Ditched friends tell no tales.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Before my first marriage, I was basically a beta male. I found out my former wife (than fiancé), who was still in school, wanted to date a classmate. I stepped in with a confrontation and stopped it. I now know it was one of the greatest mistakes I ever made. When she wanted to date other guys, while being engaged to me, it meant her interest in me had depreciated to a point of no return. 
Things were never the same after the confrontation. We married several month later. It started off bad and got worse. No matter what, I could never please her. My self esteem was in the toilet. After 15 years of being "true-blue", I gave into temptation. For the next 6 years I became the worse woman chaser around here especially targeting married women and had dozens of affairs. I even done a little escorting during periods of separation before I pulled the plug and left for good. But I got my self esteem back. I also became an alpha. Women like that because they have more "O" with alpha males. (Hey, ask them)
I said all that to say this; if her interest level in you is to the point where she's seeing other guys, go ahead and give up. Even if you stay together, once she loses interest, it ain't coming back no matter what you do. The sad part is that most guys try to regain what they once had by becoming almost submissive, thinking, "If I love her enough, she'll love me in return." It never works.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Before my first marriage, I was basically a beta male. I found out my former wife (than fiancé), who was still in school, wanted to date a classmate. I stepped in with a confrontation and stopped it. I now know it was one of the greatest mistakes I ever made. When she wanted to date other guys, while being engaged to me, it meant her interest in me had depreciated to a point of no return.
> Things were never the same after the confrontation. We married several month later. It started off bad and got worse. No matter what, I could never please her. My self esteem was in the toilet. After 15 years of being "true-blue", I gave into temptation. For the next 6 years I became the worse woman chaser around here especially targeting married women and had dozens of affairs. I even done a little escorting during periods of separation before I pulled the plug and left for good. But I got my self esteem back. I also became an alpha. Women like that because they have more "O" with alpha males. (Hey, ask them)
> I said all that to say this; if her interest level in you is to the point where she's seeing other guys, go ahead and give up. Even if you stay together, once she loses interest, it ain't coming back no matter what you do. The sad part is that most guys try to regain what they once had by becoming almost submissive, thinking, "If I love her enough, she'll love me in return." It never works.


Another appropriate story. Take heed of the last paragraph.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Anyone inviting someone in for a beer - NOT a good sign.
Deleting messages & email = covering up something. 

Protect yourself first. Second, follow your gut and look for true evidence quietly. 

keep reading and learning from TAM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So she got her friends to tell you direct, deliberate lies? Oh.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

You tell your WW that you want her to take a polygraph test. It is needed to repair the broken trust.

Schedule the test. Give WW the time and date. Then as the day apporaches your WW as all do start to spill their guts. She will continue to trickle truth you enough to hope that you then cancel the test.

Don't cancel, tell her you need what she has said to be verified.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

On the brighter side, you now have more autority to protect your marriage (your wife called it controlling) so the next time around you can "protect" your marriage and the next time around a boundry has been established.

Never bend to this boundry again.

After 22 yrs of marriage I can tell you with the up most certianty that another toxic friend/s will come into your marriage and your wife will pull the controlling card on you and you can use this past experience as a lesson that "you are not controlling but protecting the marriage". Then it will be up to your wife to except this protection.

I hope you dodged a bullet here and the back up from the deleted text confirm your wife statements.

What sucks is if you can't get the confirmation that you need and the resentment builds in this marriage it will fail....I want to believe that this newly wed wife of yours was true and more important you find the evidence that with out a doubt she remained true.

Again you might have dodged a bullet, and now have even more autority to protect your marriage in the future.

It also sounds like your chick realized she was screwing up and has made some healthy choices in her marriage, lets pray she has learned her lesson and sees how important boundries are when picking her next friendship.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Clam---lets call a spade a spade, and stop beating around the bush---and throwing out all of these excuses

You may not have been married---but you were close enuff, so there should have been NONE OF THE CRAP THAT WENT ON

If you think nothing physical happened tween your wife, and her single friend---I have some property out near palm springs to sell you, and buddy, its 118 degrees out there today, and the sun ain't even out----like in a monsoon, the monsoon that's about to hit you, if you don't wise up

You wanna stay fine---then you do the following things

1. Polygraph---go to the closest police station, and have them get you a reliable operator.
2. Post--Nup---kind of early for this---but your wife seems to like to wander and lie about it, so it needs to be in place.
3. Absolutely NC---with any of that group ever again---FOR ANY REASON
4. No Contact with single men of any kind, for any reason whatsoever
5. Find a DECENT group of marrieds you can trust, and establish them as your friends
6. You need to adjust your job to your mge, or you WILL lose your mge.
7. Complete transparency by your wife---in all ways shapes and forms

Also know the following---THERE IS NO PRIVACY IN A MGE---your wedding vows dictate, you are open books to each other, and any time your wife tells you, you are controlling, cuz she doesn't like you keeping her away from slimy friends, and single males---you tell her in no uncertain terms, what you are doing is protecting/fighting for the mge, which she seems to want to wreck.


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