# She doesn't want to leave



## madandsad (Sep 14, 2018)

Hi, I have been together with my partner for 16 years. We have three girls, a 7 year old and 11 years old that we had together, and a 19 year old which my partner had from a previous relationship when she was young. We are not married. We both decided long ago that it's not necessary and we can be in a happy and committed relationship without it. We still would regularly refer to each as wife and husband with other people, since we effectively lived and felt like we were married.

Anyways, this nightmare started last month when we were on vacation with another family that we were good friends with and have know for many years. They are married with two small children. On the last night of our vacation, I caught her making out with the other guy in the jacuzzi. She thought I had gone up to sleep but I went back after taking a quick shower to bring her a new towel. When I got there, her bikini bottom was on the side of the jacuzzi, he was all over her, kissing her neck/body and pleasuring her with his fingers. I'm not sure if he had his bathing suit on, it was outdoors and dark, but anyways he wears the tight speedo kind, so yea... assuming he had an erection it probably doesn't make a difference. All this in the 5 minutes I was gone from the jacuzzi.

I know everyone says this but before that night I never thought I'd ever have to worry one second about her cheating on me. But for whatever reason something didn't feel right and I wasn't really comfortable with both of them being in the jacuzzi alone late at night when everyone was sleeping. To be honest, the main reason I went back to give her a towel was to see if I was just being paranoid or not. I said here's a new towel for you, and as soon as he heard me, he dove under the water like a fish, not sure why, maybe he was hoping I didn't see anything.

Anyways, I didn't make a big deal about it, I went back up and she followed a couple minutes later to come to bed. I asked her what happened and at first she said "nothing", and after telling her that I saw them she told me what they were doing. She said she was sorry and asked not to make a big deal out of it. I think she knows that I'm the kind of person that avoids confrontation and rather like to think things through first, so that night I just stayed awake thinking about it the whole night while she was sleeping next to me. She basically said it was a mistake and she felt really bad, and promised me it would never happen again but we actually spent most of our talking time about everything that was wrong with me and what I needed to change. I admit I have been in a rut the last few years for various reasons (lack of work and health issues made me a bit anti-social and depressed), so I eventually gave her the benefit of the doubt and told her that I forgive her and I would do my best to change because I really wanted to make this work and I truly believed her that it was just a stupid mistake done on impulse. It still bothered me greatly inside, and for the past month I have not been sleeping well if at all, I just really didn't want to break our family apart.

She has actually been more distant even though I tried to do everything I could to change the way she wanted me to, she barely wanted to talk about what happened and our relationship. She said she was sick of me bringing it up all the time. I would ask her what she wanted and that she would always answer "I don't know" and "I need space". She seemed constantly annoyed at me and the last couple weeks she seemed to have been even more secretive and shady than ever. That made me even more paranoid about everything. I kept asking questions, where she was going, who is this guy, etc. She really hated it but I couldn't help it, she was mad that I couldn't trust her.

Fast-forward to yesterday, I couldn't take the way she was acting anymore and looking through her phone while she was sleeping, I find out she is still talking to this guy and from the nature of the messages, she was obviously still cheating. I didn't see everything, but she had apparently told him about a 5some she had (which I had no clue about! and she now says was a long time ago way before we knew each other). He said he really wanted 3some with her, and before going to bed she messaged him "I love you". Anyways, you get the picture, this showed me who she really was.

Finally, , I confronted her yesterday when she got home from work (to avoid doing it with kids around) and she had the same reaction, she felt bad, was sorry, blah blah. I again asked her what she wanted to do now and she said the same thing "I don't know I need time to think". I told her if this has any chance to work she needs to be completely honest, and so I asked her to le me see her phone to see what she has been saying during the day. She refused and started getting really mad and saying I wasn't giving her any time and space. I finally told her to leave the house, go stay with a friend or something. She packed her stuff and spent about an hour playing with the kids, i.e. delaying. Finally she gets up and tells me "you know what, this is my house, I'm not leaving, you leave." At this point I didn't know how to respond. I basically told her I was calling her lover's wife to let her know everything. I've actually been feeling really guilty that I haven't told her. She started saying it's not my place to tell her and that he should be the one to tell her on his own terms. I actually had her on the phone when my partner who was right there said "No don't, ok fine I'll leave." Apparently, it's more important to her that I don't tell her myself rather than trying to repair our relationship. I feel a bit bad using this to make her leave, and if the guy actually does confess today, my partner will probably come back and again insist that I be the one to leave.

Anyways this is where I am today, I have to go pick up my daughter from school so I'll leave it at that.

But just a quick question, I notice other threads here saying it's important to tell the other wife what happened, but nobody explains why?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

if you want to stop living with another man in your relationship it's the best way to stop it. Plus if you were his wife would you want to know.

It sounds like you are no confrontational even when your friend and partner are about to destroy you and your family with this affair.

Doormats get walked on. That's what you're acting like. It's also very unnattractive to women and makes her boyfriend look more attractive.

Better wake up. After your other thread you should realize this by now.

Indecision in these circumstances will just put you in worse shape.

What your wife is saying is she wants more time and space to try out her other man more.

This has probably been going on for a lot longer than you think.

She is cake eating off you right now. It's up to you whether you continue to feed her or not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Passive men get cheated on. As long as you are like this it is going to keep happening to you. It's your fear of confrontation they can smell it. Plus women don't like weak men they find it very unattractive. It plays out over and over on here. You should get some help with that. Why are you SO afraid that you would let her abuse and bully you? 

First of tell the guys wife, you are going to need her for back up. Besides that it's the honorable and strong thing to do. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you? Then go talk to a lawyer and find out your options. Your wife is a terrible ******* who totally disrespects you and your family. Worse you seem to be fine with that. If you are find with that why shouldn't she be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@madandsad You felt that you were married. Your "wife" however, did not.

You need to seek legal counsel to find out what your legal position is.

Also, your wife needs to take a lie detector test.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Get a lawyer and file for divorce ASAP. She doesn't love you. You are just a paycheck and home to her. You need to see yourself as a valuable person. You provide and love your family and she doesn't give a **** about the family. She is only concerned about herself. You and your family deserve better.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

If she wants space, give it to her in the form of a divorce notice. As people say, you can stop it at anytime, but it will shake her up enough to perhaps wake up.tell the OBS as if the shoe were on the other foot, you would want to know, as well you then have someone to keep an eye and compare notes with. Contact a lawyer, get your monetary affairs in order before you confront with divorce papers. She is not in this marriage. If you choose to reconcile, you can stop the divorce process. Do you really want to rugsweep is the question you have to ask yourself.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

madandsad said:


> Hi, I have been together with my partner for 16 years. We have three girls, a 7 year old and 11 years old that we had together, and a 19 year old which my partner had from a previous relationship when she was young. We are not married. We both decided long ago that it's not necessary and we can be in a happy and committed relationship without it. We still would regularly refer to each as wife and husband with other people, since we effectively lived and felt like we were married.
> 
> Anyways, this nightmare started last month when we were on vacation with another family that we were good friends with and have know for many years. They are married with two small children. On the last night of our vacation, I caught her making out with the other guy in the jacuzzi. She thought I had gone up to sleep but I went back after taking a quick shower to bring her a new towel. When I got there, her bikini bottom was on the side of the jacuzzi, he was all over her, kissing her neck/body and pleasuring her with his fingers. I'm not sure if he had his bathing suit on, it was outdoors and dark, but anyways he wears the tight speedo kind, so yea... assuming he had an erection it probably doesn't make a difference. All this in the 5 minutes I was gone from the jacuzzi.
> 
> ...


You want to know why? Isn't it obvious? Because she deserves to know her husband is unfaithful. She is living a lie and deserves to know the truth.

Also, if he is getting around (just because he didn't have intercourse with your wife doesn't mean he isn't screwing around elsewhere), he's exposing himself... and in turn her... to STDs as well. She 100% deserves... nay, needs to/must know.

Be a man, step up, and deal with the way it needs to be dealt with, which starts with letting her know. You've waited too long already.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

1. There is no divorce process here unless there would be _"Common Law"_ involved. You were never married. She could sue for child support. Are you sure they are yours? * Better lawyer up quick and learn your rights.*

2. *DNA test the kids*. Sets a tone.

3. *Get tested for STD's.* Infidels often have STDs.

4. *Do not* try to change yourself and try the "Pick Me Dance". It makes you look pathetic and never works. 

5. *Do not* expect to reconcile with a partner who show's no remorse.

6. Since you are not married, I would play the field and find someone who loves you.

7. *Stop being the doormat*. Its disgusting and you will hate yourself later.

8. They are *laughing* at you and you are chasing after her? Forget that.

9. The only people who come out of these things whole are *strong, courageous, and decisive*. Be those things for your children.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

OP, you must tell the OMW about the affair.

Second thing is to lawyer up.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

skerzoid said:


> The only people who come out of these things whole are *strong, courageous, and decisive*. Be those things for your children.


So true.

Here are a bunch of examples. 

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/consi...on/371010-thouse-who-move-through-action.html


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> @madandsad You felt that you were married. Your "wife" however, did not.
> 
> You need to seek legal counsel to find out what your legal position is.
> 
> Also, your wife needs to take a lie detector test.


I don’t think the polygraph deserves that...
It might lead a long and useful life if it doesn’t have to be exposed to such a nuclear overload of prevarications.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Who owns the house or is it in both names.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Two legal issues you face:

1. You can't kick her out of the house without a proper eviction.

2. Since you held yourself out as husband and wife you may have a common law marriage.

Contact an attorney to resolve these and other potential legal issues. 

Other than that, the chick has lost romantic interest in you. If you understood womanese you'd know you could summarize what she she is saying into, "Everything you do lately just chaps my azz." If it was me, I wouldn't include her in my retirement plans.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

you are being too passive and weak. You will get walked on, cheated on and taken to the cleaners. 

Start standing up for yourself and doing what is right without her consent or buy-in.

That means lawyer up and find out what you need to do to protect your property, finances, home and parental rights. 

Inform the OM's wife without warning your GF or threatening it- just do it. Your SO has already warned him and therefor he has already come up with a game plan on how to deal with his wife and they may try to block you from contacting her. 

Your GF and the OM have now had time to come up with other modes of communication and are now plotting their next moves against you and will try to use your passive and nonconfrontational manner against you. 

You are going to have to Velcro your balls back on and be strong and uncompromising for once in your life. Protecting your home, assets and parental rights is the hill to die on.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Some sincere advice coming your way. 

Harsh realities are this is the price you pay when you caught them out and did nothing of whatsoever. After witnessing the horrible ordeal of your wife being fingered and devoured by another man albeit a supposed family friend, instead of blowing up this issue like a Nuclear Bomb, to both his wife and their worlds you allowed your wife to blame you for her actions, then sleep beside you in the same bed. Then to top it all off you sweep this whole affair under the rug then play the pathetically weak pick me game when you find out her cheating hasn't stopped.

You need to Expose this Affair ASAP. Do not talk to your wife regarding anything. Actions speak louder than words. Put on your big boy pants, and man up. Pick up the phone expose to his wife, seperate any joint bank accounts etc, and take her off any of your Credit Cards. Go find yourself a Shark of a Divorce Lawyer and have her served. 

This can play out two ways. Either your harsh actions will snap her back into reality and make her take ownership of her cheating ****ty behavour and possibly save your marriage, or at the very least you can at least salvage your dignity and pride by taking strong action to prove to your wife that her foul behavour won't be tolerated. However you need to be strong. Don't talk to her, don't warn her don't negotiate with her just do it. I can guarantee you once exposed the other man will throw her under the bus in order to save his own marriage. Your wife is just an easy piece of arse for him. Do you really think his going to leave his wife and two young children for your wife? What are you waiting for? Hurry up and expose.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

madandsad said:


> But just a quick question, I notice other threads here saying it's important to tell the other wife what happened, but nobody explains why?


You REALLY need to be told that telling the other BS is the *compassionate* and humane thing to do? 

You need us to tell you that it's a pretty ****ty thing to know something *this* vital about someone else's life but you're choosing to sit on the information because using it as ammo to get your cheating, lying, low life of a wife to do what you want her to is more important? I'd boot her worthless ass out the door so damned fast her head would spin.

How would YOU like it if the shoe were on the other foot and the OBS knew this vital information about *your* marriage but didn't give enough of a **** about you to tell you about it because she was using it as ammo with her husband? So nice to be reduced to that while your entire life hangs in the balance.

Jesus, do the right thing and tell the wife. And do it today.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I'm a big fan of informing the other victim. However, if you can use it as leverage to keep her out of the house, I'm all for keeping quiet (for now). Once the divorce is final, you can shout it from the rooftops (unless you're in the UK where affairs are supposed to stay secret). 

Start the divorce process today. Maybe she can earn her way back into the marriage and you can halt the divorce process. But she has a hell of a lot of work to do and the only way to get her to understand this is by taking the drastic step of a divorce filing. You should force yourself to be strong, even if your inclination is towards compromising and showing weakness. Dig deep and find your anger. You're the victim here, not her.

She has taken advantage of your weakness all along. Cut her out right now. If and when she starts begging for a another chance she _might_ be a candidate for reconciliation. Whatever you decide, you will _never_ be able to trust her again, and you have to determine if you can live in a relationship like that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

They are not married.
They live together.

He should just leave, pay child support and find his own place.

He seeing the children his fifty percent.

Not marrying her was a mistake. She never felt 'owned' as belonging to you. 
Maybe? 
Not marrying her is 'now' a blessing;.a financial one, an emotional disaster.

Still no excuse on her part. 

She shamed herself, she shamed you, she shamed the wife of her friend.
She shamed her children.

..............................................................................................

I need to say this, I must.
Why in Gods name would you leave your wife in a Jacuzzi alone with a man while everyone is asleep?

When you left you should have insisted that she follow you to bed.

Or, told her you were coming back.

Not allowing her to make a fool of herself. 

I know, I know, now the truth is out.
Now you know what she is made of.

But you did not then, know she was loose.

Women have urges, your male friend has urges.

You gave them the time and the place and the opportunity to act on their urges.
That hot water heated their loins. And fired up their urges.


I urge you to dump her.


Just Sayin'


THRD


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> They are not married.
> They live together.
> 
> He should just leave, pay child support and find his own place.
> ...


He said he wasn't working and had medical issues so she'd be paying him child support.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> He said he wasn't working and had medical issues so she'd be paying him child support.


And this Dear folks is what led to the Jacuzzi incident.

He is not working, his parts likely not working well, well you get it. 

The Jacuzzi gave birth, melted, let forth the oozy Floozy to come out of her.

No excuse, but this is part of her 'real life' crappy inspiration. 

No man standing in her way, equals another man put in her way, by her hand, by her desires. 

Such is life, the part of life and living that sucks.

.....................................................................................

Note: This is not always the case. 

Some women, some men are just selfish, just greedy.
Unjustly, in deed, in action, indeed.

Yes.


Just Sayin'



SunCMars- from the archives.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

@SunCMars - I agree 100%. Although it might not be fair, men are expected to have a career as their primary means of contributing to the relationship, and without that they tend to get thought of as less desirable and women don't want to stay with them. Also, the lack of career tends to contribute to their depression. The cheating was a terrible way for his wife to deal with the situation and shows her poor character, but it isn't unexpected.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I'm a big fan of informing the other victim. However, if you can use it as leverage to keep her out of the house, I'm all for keeping quiet (for now). Once the divorce is final, you can shout it from the rooftops (unless you're in the UK where affairs are supposed to stay secret).
> 
> Start the divorce process today. Maybe she can earn her way back into the marriage and you can halt the divorce process. But she has a hell of a lot of work to do and the only way to get her to understand this is by taking the drastic step of a divorce filing. You should force yourself to be strong, even *if your inclination is towards compromising and showing weakness*. Dig deep and find your anger. You're the victim here, not her.
> 
> She has taken advantage of your weakness all along. Cut her out right now. If and when she starts begging for a another chance she _might_ be a candidate for reconciliation. Whatever you decide, you will _never_ be able to trust her again, and you have to determine if you can live in a relationship like that.


Show no weakness.

Separate from her. 
You are not married.

You cannot claim alimony from a women whom you live with in the Common Wealth.

Separate from her for at least two years. 

See if she wants to rejoin you, re-couple with you.

Sorry, minimum contact. Just for the children.

Do not mooch off of her anymore..... just because she is willing to carry you.
Regain your momentum and pride.

She needs to want to come back to you and your situation.. 
Not do so for appearance and for convenience.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

See a Lawyer ASAP. Married or not, you and her are likely so financially tied together it will in essence feel like a divorce.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

who does the house belong too? are both your names on the deed...if so call a realtor and sell it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

One of my clients told his wife to leave. Her response was absolutely the same, its my house. So, he goes to the kitchen, gets about four good size garbage bags. He fills them with her clothing, shoes, purses, coats, just about everything she owned. He places all four bags on the front lawn. All this time she was watching TV and did not notice. He pokes his head inside the door, and goes, "Hon, would you like to see the bonfire?" She wanders outside just in time to see him pouring the contents of a barbecue lighter can over every stitch of clothing she owned outside of what was on her body. He even took the laundry basket full of her soiled undies. He stood on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood, and said either you leave now, or you will have one pair of pants, one top, one bra, and one pair of panties. The rest I burn in front of all of our neighbors.

She apparently got it, as the last of the lighter fluid was covering the bags. She has a fit, grabs the bags and puts them in her car. Took weeks to get the lighter fluid smell out. She relocated to her mother's, and he proceeded to have the locks changed, security system installed etc. etc. She did not take well to being defeated.

I should add that he also sprinkled a little of the fluid her way, so that might have just intimidated her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Madandsad,

I'm sorry you're here and I know you're hurting. But you came here for advice and that's what I will give you. Non sugar coated. 

When you're a novice to being betrayed, you're almost always going to make mistakes. I counted 10 of them; either something you said or did. I made some of the same one's. But now I realize - there's a right way and a wrong way to handle a cheating. 




madandsad said:


> *1- so that night I just stayed awake thinking about it the whole night while she was sleeping next to me. *
> 
> You just caught her betraying you. If you didn't want to have an immediate confrontation, you should have separated yourself from her until you were ready. Sleeping in the bed with her served to minimize what she did.
> 
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

badmemory said:


> Madandsad,
> 
> I'm sorry you're here and I know you're hurting. But you came here for advice and that's what I will give you. Non sugar coated.
> 
> When you're a novice to being betrayed, you're almost always going to make mistakes. I counted 10 of them; either something you said or did. I made some of the same one's. But now I realize - there's a right way and a wrong way to handle a cheating.


Quoting this so you read Badmemory's entire post again.


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

Man up, take control and do a 180. Woman don't respect doormats, they only use doormats to clean their dirty feet. If you want to win a WW back show her you are the man. I have read many stories like you're situation. Doormat hubby does pick me dance. WW goes f**k her AP. Doormat hubby changes and does 180. WW tries desperatly to win hubby back. But of course? somethimes it has gone too far and there is nothing left anymore to be saved, then divorce is the only option.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Some great advice here in this thread mate. And I will add my little tuppence-worth in.

DO NOT announce your intentions to her regardless of what you are going to do. If she knows what you are up to, she will have the upper hand as she can lie/plan/manipulate the situation to foil anything you have in mind.

This is a tipping point for you and your life now. Do you continue on being A) a 'door mat' (and hate yourself for it), or B) stand up for yourself, and regain your self-respect,

Hard to see now, but most of us know which option leads to a more fulfilling, healthier life.

One more thing to consider. What type of lives are you setting your kids up for, if they see Dad getting walked on all the time, and not displaying honourable boundaries? If you are having trouble doing it just for yourself at this stage, do it for the future of your kids.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Taxman said:


> One of my clients told his wife to leave. Her response was absolutely the same, its my house. So, he goes to the kitchen, gets about four good size garbage bags. He fills them with her clothing, shoes, purses, coats, just about everything she owned. He places all four bags on the front lawn. All this time she was watching TV and did not notice. He pokes his head inside the door, and goes, "Hon, would you like to see the bonfire?" She wanders outside just in time to see him pouring the contents of a barbecue lighter can over every stitch of clothing she owned outside of what was on her body. He even took the laundry basket full of her soiled undies. He stood on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood, and said either you leave now, or you will have one pair of pants, one top, one bra, and one pair of panties. The rest I burn in front of all of our neighbors.
> 
> She apparently got it, as the last of the lighter fluid was covering the bags. She has a fit, grabs the bags and puts them in her car. Took weeks to get the lighter fluid smell out. She relocated to her mother's, and he proceeded to have the locks changed, security system installed etc. etc. She did not take well to being defeated.
> 
> I should add that he also sprinkled a little of the fluid her way, so that might have just intimidated her.


Not cool.

Rather childish.

She could have had him arrested. 

Three counts, unauthorized fire, threatening her with the lighter fluid, disorderly conduct.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I agree son C. It's amazing how many people decide to Chuck their own morals and character when someone betrays them. I know of attorneys who have advised men to plant drugs in their wayward wides luggage. I know people who have laughed over stories of a wayward spouse being set on fire. I know of a man who followed an OM's young SON around with a gun in his car!
All of those people are every but as low as the cheater.


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

You have to do it clever. Once heard a story.Wife cheated her husband. She eventually got the house after divorce. Before the man left he hid shrimps in the curtain rails. After a few weeks the whole house smelled like rotting shrimps. The ex wife searched but found nothing. Eventually she decided to sell the house, but no one was intrested. Eventually the ex man proposed to buy the house well under the market price. And now... The WW moved out and took everything with her, even the curtain rails... 🙂


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Knips said:


> You have to do it clever. Once heard a story.Wife cheated her husband. She eventually got the house after divorce. Before the man left he hid shrimps in the curtain rails. After a few weeks the whole house smelled like rotting shrimps. The ex wife searched but found nothing. Eventually she decided to sell the house, but no one was intrested. Eventually the ex man proposed to buy the house well under the market price. And now... The WW moved out and took everything with her, even the curtain rails... 🙂


 Say, that is just funny and excellent. Violence in law breaking or pathetic.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MaS,

Got some news for you buddy... Your "Wife's" hot tube adventure was not her first rodeo. Just the 1st time you caught her with her panties down. The first rule of cheating... LIE.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Not cool.
> 
> Rather childish.
> 
> ...


Who freaking cares, I think it is great. I would gladly pay the fine, times 2. 

I wish I would have thought of that. 

For what ever reason, my ExW left because I was spending the weekends at my GF's housel, not current GF, and that for some reason, bothered her. 

I don't know why that bothered her, we already filed, but it did. I was like GTFO, that way I can redo the bed room sooner...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Who freaking cares, I think it is great. I would gladly pay the fine, times 2.
> 
> I wish I would have thought of that.
> 
> ...


You say this.....

When you get a felony conviction on your record, it will screw up your whole life. They may not renew your passport. 

Try to get a great job. Soon as a prospective employer sees that, bingo, your name goes in the trash.

Try to borrow money when you have an average or little below credit rating 'and' you have a felony record.

Having a felony record limits what you can do in life.

Yeah, real smart.

Society has no mercy or patience with those that screw up badly.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Exactly. The court system isn't made up of angry BH's and shifty, dishonest lawyers who use their license to dole out vigilante and stalker justice.

A normal jury will sympathize with a man whose wife has cheated. A normal jury will not excuse a man who beats someone nearly to death, encourages suicide, plants drugs, sets someone on fire, or kills an OM's child.

No matter how much twisted people on a marriage forum might cheer.

The legal system and civil system also doesn't smile on anonymous emails, threats, doxing, cyberstalking, and the like.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

I really glad I don't live where a lot of you do ... too many rules to protect the guilty, although I suspect the excuse of "not breaking the law" is used to cover up plain old fear more often than not.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You say this.....
> 
> When you get a felony conviction on your record, it will screw up your whole life. They may not renew your passport.
> 
> ...


Yeah, only problem is in my state, burning her cloths is a misd, never a felony. 

May be a felony in other states but not mine. If I would have thought of is, I would have done it...


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Mad, are your still here? Who owns the house and have you found she cheated elsewhere or another time? Anyway, the pool thing would be a deal breaker for a lot of guys.


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## madandsad (Sep 14, 2018)

Hi, sorry for the lack of reply, and thanks to everyone for the great advice. We are currently renting and both of us are on the lease. I've spoken with a lawyer and we are moving forward with the separation. You are right that the pool thing was a deal breaker, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I forgave her, but internally I hadn't really... She did admit to cheating after I saw her messages as well; so yea we're done... Just need to figure out the housing situation and what's best for the kids now.

Thanks again everyone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Last act should be to inform his wife if you haven't.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Taxman said:


> One of my clients told his wife to leave. Her response was absolutely the same, its my house. So, he goes to the kitchen, gets about four good size garbage bags. He fills them with her clothing, shoes, purses, coats, just about everything she owned. He places all four bags on the front lawn. All this time she was watching TV and did not notice. He pokes his head inside the door, and goes, "Hon, would you like to see the bonfire?" She wanders outside just in time to see him pouring the contents of a barbecue lighter can over every stitch of clothing she owned outside of what was on her body. He even took the laundry basket full of her soiled undies. He stood on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood, and said either you leave now, or you will have one pair of pants, one top, one bra, and one pair of panties. The rest I burn in front of all of our neighbors.
> 
> She apparently got it, as the last of the lighter fluid was covering the bags. She has a fit, grabs the bags and puts them in her car. Took weeks to get the lighter fluid smell out. She relocated to her mother's, and he proceeded to have the locks changed, security system installed etc. etc. She did not take well to being defeated.
> 
> I should add that he also sprinkled a little of the fluid her way, so that might have just intimidated her.


Was your client a Marine?>


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Was your client a Marine?>


Funny you should say that, no we’re crazy canucks. However we are former Scottish regiment. (Wanna talk tough? Try parade in a kilt, sporin and dressed regimental - no underwear)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

madandsad said:


> Hi, sorry for the lack of reply, and thanks to everyone for the great advice. We are currently renting and both of us are on the lease. I've spoken with a lawyer and we are moving forward with the separation. You are right that the pool thing was a deal breaker, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I forgave her, but internally I hadn't really... She did admit to cheating after I saw her messages as well; so yea we're done... Just need to figure out the housing situation and what's best for the kids now.
> 
> Thanks again everyone.


This will be painful but in the end you will have a better life and heal much faster because you were decisive and stood up for yourself. Like the other poster said, tell his wife. Why are you not doing this?

Also don't lie for her, if people ask, "I didn't like her new boyfriend" or something like that. "She was cheating and I needed to be with a better person then that". No one will feel sorry for you they will admire you for standing up for yourself. If your kids ask I would tell them in age appropriate ways. "Your Dad loved Mommy but she decided to have another boyfriend, and that is now how a good marriage works." Bottom line don't give away any of your honor by covering up for her lack of it.

Your kids will be fine, half the kids in the western world grow up from divorce families. The most important thing is two active parents involved in their lives letting them know they are loved.

Finally your partner is going to crash and burn. That is what happens to people like this, she is obviously making a very reckless decision for some instant gratification like a drug addict. It's going to be painful to watch for your kids sake. Be mindful and take care of them. Don't take her back if she comes crying to you when her life is in the toilet. 

A 5some? Gross. DNA test might be in order.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

madandsad said:


> Hi, sorry for the lack of reply, and thanks to everyone for the great advice. We are currently renting and both of us are on the lease. I've spoken with a lawyer and we are moving forward with the separation. You are right that the pool thing was a deal breaker, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I forgave her, but internally I hadn't really... She did admit to cheating after I saw her messages as well; so yea we're done... Just need to figure out the housing situation and what's best for the kids now.
> 
> Thanks again everyone.


Well good, now you can get rid of a gal that's been betraying you.

Let her pay the rent and stay there. You move and get a fresh start! Or better yet make HER move out immediately!

Do not blame yourself or allow her to criticize you. You shouldn't need to change for anyone but yourself! And how dare she criticize you to deflect her betrayal - she is mean and cruel! This affair has been happening way longer than you think! Tell his wife in person immediately!

I repeat for a level of importance:

She's a liar and likely has been seeing him for a long time - inform the other wife - show up and tell her in person! His wife has been betrayed too. She deserves to know. They thought you both were fools - so much so that you all went on a trip together so they could have more sex right in front of you!

Your partner now has absolutely no say in what you do or dont do- about anything. Demand that she leave. Make sure she is UNCOMFORTABLE! Move all money into your name only. Get an attorney to help you get the kids as much time as possible.

Your partner needs consequences for her bad behavior.

Gently tell all family - but be honest that she's been cheating a long time and has been lying and has ruined the family unit beyond repair by not being trustworthy and faithful.

Make sure you provide a home for your kids... they need to feel loved and safe.

Do not be weak. Do not take her back when she begs. Be done with her - she disrespected you on a huge level!

Glad you finally saw what she's was doing. Don't be weak now - keep moving forward.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

Regardless of your decision to separate.... You must tell the OM wife and both families.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Black Watch, Germans called them “ the ladies from hell” if I’m right.

Oops, that was a reply to Taxmans comment.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Yeah so, here you are and now separating...But there is an upside. You can relish in the fact that you can be happy and guilt free. Her choice to cheat was ALL HER. And her minimizing and blameshifting is hers as well. She will be dreaming of this for years to come. Matter of fact, every time your kid yells for "daddy".

You may of lost your Cheating partner, but you gained some self-respect and some self love. That will pay dividends in the long run. The best revenge is to live life fully and be happy. Whatever makes you happy, do it! And do it well. Plus, enjoy your kids....They DO grow up soooo fast.

Finally, when the dust settles...You need to forgive her. And not just for her mind you. But to forgive yourself. It will help you heal and grow. And then, you have truly "won"......


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Dear Mad, I, for one, am proud of you. Keep your resolve!


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## ltsandwich (Sep 12, 2017)

Taxman said:


> One of my clients told his wife to leave. Her response was absolutely the same, its my house. So, he goes to the kitchen, gets about four good size garbage bags. He fills them with her clothing, shoes, purses, coats, just about everything she owned. He places all four bags on the front lawn. All this time she was watching TV and did not notice. He pokes his head inside the door, and goes, "Hon, would you like to see the bonfire?" She wanders outside just in time to see him pouring the contents of a barbecue lighter can over every stitch of clothing she owned outside of what was on her body. He even took the laundry basket full of her soiled undies. He stood on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood, and said either you leave now, or you will have one pair of pants, one top, one bra, and one pair of panties. The rest I burn in front of all of our neighbors.
> 
> She apparently got it, as the last of the lighter fluid was covering the bags. She has a fit, grabs the bags and puts them in her car. Took weeks to get the lighter fluid smell out. She relocated to her mother's, and he proceeded to have the locks changed, security system installed etc. etc. She did not take well to being defeated.
> 
> I should add that he also sprinkled a little of the fluid her way, so that might have just intimidated her.


This person is my spirit animal. Sometimes I wish my SO had put up more of a fight after she screwed me over. I would hope I would have done similar


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Well good, now you can get rid of a gal that's been betraying you.
> 
> Let her pay the rent and stay there. You move and get a fresh start! Or better yet make HER move out immediately!
> 
> ...



Please read this a couple times and take it to heart.

I am sorry, and wish you well in the long run.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just checking in on you. How are you doing?

Hang in there and be strong!!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

It's a sad and difficult story. First you probably don't take advice from her, and calling the wife is your call. You may be able to stay since this was your home, usually no one can compel the other to leave. 

Since there are children, I think you do have to think about reconciliation and addressing problems in this relationship. You outlined lack of work, health issues, and depression. If she is paying the bills, you are doing little work and are simply depressed, that is not particularly appealing. 



*P.S. as to Isandrich' story, "He stood on the lawn in front of the entire neighborhood, and said either you leave now, or you will have one pair of pants, one top, one bra, and one pair of panties. The rest I burn in front of all of our neighbors." The way I heard it, she said, yeah, and I'll be calling the local police where you be arrested for malicious destruction of property, along with other charges, 
and figure on spending the next 48 hours in jail, and not coming to the house, oh second thoughts champ.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Mad & Sad, Update, Down Date, Any Date?:|


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## madandsad (Sep 14, 2018)

Hi, sorry for lack of updates, I've been actively looking for work and already had a couple interviews! Had a friend actually offer me a job but it's in another city too far away, and I can't leave the kids...

I did tell the other wife in person; she was devastated. I had actually thought that she already knew and just didn't want to speak to anyone because she was not replying to my texts. Turns out the other guy was deleting the text messages on her phone before she could see them! Anyways, I am glad she knows now, I felt really bad/guilty about it.

My wife is still seeing him, so there is no reconciliation; and even if that weren't the case, now that I've seen her true colors, I doubt I would want it. She disgusts me, we still live together but I can't stand to even look at her. I am waiting for a mediation meeting with the lawyers to form an agreement. We still don't know who will be leaving... my lawyer is just waiting to hear from her lawyer now.

The kids still don't know, but I'm sure they suspect something's not right. She still wants to give them some BS story about how we've been drifting apart. I'm sure she's thought of a million reasons to make her feel less guilty about all this (she was unhappy, we were living like roommates, etc). Experts seem to say that we should tell them together to not have two versions of what happened and make them more confused/hurt, so I don't know what to do there...

I've told my immediate family, but not her side of the family. They live far away so they have no idea what's going on.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

madandsad said:


> Hi, sorry for lack of updates, I've been actively looking for work and already had a couple interviews! Had a friend actually offer me a job but it's in another city too far away, and I can't leave the kids...
> 
> I did tell the other wife in person; she was devastated. I had actually thought that she already knew and just didn't want to speak to anyone because she was not replying to my texts. Turns out the other guy was deleting the text messages on her phone before she could see them! Anyways, I am glad she knows now, I felt really bad/guilty about it.
> 
> ...


time to tell them the simple truth.
mom has a bf and has been going out on dates with him,
his name is ___________.
what mom is doing is called cheating, infidelity, having an affair.


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## dreamer2017 (Nov 7, 2017)

I agree with Oldtruck,

It's time to take off the gloves and expose all. Tell your kids the truth and don't sugarcoat it. Call her side of the family and let them know what is going on. My question to you; Why are you afraid to expose and tell the complete truth?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

With kids only 7 and 11 years old, it may not be appropriate to bring up cheating and infidelity to them. But you both should agree what to tell them before sitting down and telling them together. If she tries to stray from the agreement, then it may be time to bring the truth about Mom's boyfriend in and that you cannot stay with her after she has chosen to have another "boyfriend". 

If they ask specific questions in the future when they are mature enough to understand, tell them the truth at that point, but never get into the dirty details with a young child. Eventually they will see Mom and OM together and they will figure it out for themselves. Probably sooner than latter.

It really depends on how mature your kids are. I know at age 7, I would not have understood what adultery and infidelity were.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

yeah, I'd tell the kids that mom has a boyfriend and that once two people are married, there aren't supposed to be other boyfriends. And because you don't want to share your wife with other men, you are divorcing. You can tell them however you want, but I really think it will be a low point in your life that resulted in a bad decision, if you don't tell them the truth about their mother. I WOULD name the guy. It's not like they won't be seeing him. 

Your STBXW will want to make things out that you are a bad guy, and that's why Jody is her boyfriend now. She will make Jody out to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. Your name will be dirt. She will vilify you to your kids.

At least allow yourself the dignity that your kids know the truth about Jody. It's a shame, but your wife will do everything in her power to drive a wedge between you and your kids. The adoration and love they show you will be a dagger in her gut in the future. She will try to eliminate that dagger by eliminating your memory.

Expose the truth.

However, do NOT talk badly about your ex wife in front of your kids. You will have to spend every ounce of self control in maintaining a spotless record of not badmouthing her. She WILL badmouth you, guaranteed. You will need to let them see her as she really is--- a person that is attacking their father. No matter what, they will still love their mother and naturally react badly to anything you say negative about her.
Telling the truth about her boyfriend is not badmouthing her.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Don’t let her rewrite your relatiinship. 

Yes, tell the kids together, but tell them the truth, but in an age appropriate manner. If Young, tell them that their mother has a new boyfriend and that you can no longer be together. But reassure them that you both love them and that they are safe and that you both will always take care of them.


Great job doing the horrible task of tell the pos’s Wife. It is horrible, but had to be done.

Good luck and continue to be strong.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

As for telling others.... tell EVERYONE! It is a way for you to get the support you need, as well as preventing her from making up stories about you.

You don’t want to be made into a long term abuser in her stories.

Good luck


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Dump her cheating a**. Now.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Stormguy2018 is right! Get rid of her lying, cheating **s right now. Tell the kids. They are old enough to know there is evil in the world. They already know anyway.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> time to tell them the simple truth.
> mom has a bf and has been going out on dates with him,
> his name is ___________.
> what mom is doing is called cheating, infidelity, having an affair.


I would just go with the first bit.
mom has a bf and has been going out on dates with him,
his name is ___________.

it is important to tell them his name as then she can not introduce him as some magical new guy. This is why she wants to control the message.

Your kids may have questions, or they may not. Just answer them directly and accurately. Don't say anything bad about her. Don't cover for her. Don't rescue her. 

They will be feeling betrayed by both of you. it is important that you remain a place of truth and certainty because they sure as hell are not going to get it from your Soon to be Ex Wife. 

Don't take a job that takes you away from the kids. Insist on 50/50 and deal with the consequences.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They will figure it out. They will put two and two together. If you don't tell them the truth they WILL resent you later...for lying to them.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

madandsad said:


> The kids still don't know, but I'm sure they suspect something's not right. She still wants to give them some BS story about how we've been drifting apart. I'm sure she's thought of a million reasons to make her feel less guilty about all this (she was unhappy, we were living like roommates, etc). Experts seem to say that we should tell them together to not have two versions of what happened and make them more confused/hurt, so I don't know what to do there...


May I give you the best advice possible? Do not tell the kids that the two of you drifted apart or that you couldn't get along, because children have to go to school every day and you tell them that they have to buck up and deal with kids they don't get along with EVERY DAY. If parents can't do it, how in the world are kids supposed to do it? PLUS they would know it's not the full truth and then the message you're giving your kids is that they have to do what grownups can't ...and they can't depend on either of their parents to tell them the truth. 

My own children were 12yo and 10yo when their father cheated on me, and I told them that I believed that when a mom and dad got married, that they agreed to only love each other and not have boyfriends and girlfriends anymore. Then I said that their dad had a girlfriend and wouldn't stop, and that was not okay with me so we were getting a divorce. When they asked me about "Why did dad do that?" or any other question about what their dad did, I just told them that they would have to talk to their dad about that, but that I'd be happy to tell them what I thought and what I believed (and why) and that I would always tell them the truth even if it was sad. 

The end.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Your telling your children the truth will not hurt them.

What hurt them is your WW having an affair.

The OM hurt them.

Your WW lying to them hurt them.

They need to know the honest reason the most important relationship in their lives was destroyed.

Tamat


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mommy got a boyfriend and you're not supposed to have a boyfriend when you're married. So we can't stay together anymore.

That's all you have to say.


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