# dancing with others



## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Briefly, recently my wife suggested going to a dance without me. I have explained that I feel that would be inappropriate, but the fact that she suggested it *greatly* bothers me. I am not sure if I should discuss it with her further...if she got defensive it could make matters worse.
Larry


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Duplicate thread?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

WHY does she want to go without you?


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Laruppert said:


> Briefly, recently my wife suggested going to a dance without me. I have explained that I feel that would be inappropriate, but the fact that she suggested it *greatly* bothers me. I am not sure if I should discuss it with her further...if she got defensive it could make matters worse.
> Larry


The dance is a daytime dance, mostly married couples who dance together, but many singles as well. It is social dancing...swing, slow, rumba, waltz, etc.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Laruppert said:


> The dance is a daytime dance, mostly married couples who dance together, but many singles as well. It is social dancing...swing, slow, rumba, waltz, etc.


Why didn't she invite you to come with her?


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> WHY does she want to go without you?


I'm sure she would say she really likes dancing, and that dancing with others would not be 'that bad.' She has also suggested that I would be able to play tennis.


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Duplicate thread?


Sorry, my first time at this...not sure how I did that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

No worries. A mod will fix it. Best to just be active in the one that's already active.

Welcome aboard.


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

leftfield said:


> Why didn't she invite you to come with her?


We were going regularly, prior to Covid, when the dance was suspended. During the suspension, I played tennis. Now the dance is restarting. We always planned to resume the dance when the dance restarted. I have never suggested I didn't want to do. Although she presented it as a way for me to keep playing tennis, but I think that is likely a way to excuse her going alone.

Larry


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Laruppert said:


> We were going regularly, prior to Covid, when the dance was suspended. During the suspension, I played tennis. Now the dance is restarting. We always planned to resume the dance when the dance restarted. I have never suggested I didn't want to do. Although she presented it as a way for me to keep playing tennis, but *I think that is likely a way to excuse her going alone.*
> 
> Larry


The bolded part is exactly why you don't feel comfortable with this. Why do you think she wants to go without you?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Laruppert said:


> I'm sure she would say she really likes dancing, and that dancing with others would not be 'that bad.' She has also suggested that I would be able to play tennis.


In that setting, are you a good dancer, would you have plenty of choices if you went alone without her?

Something is up, the presentation of the question could suggest she wants to dance with others and see what it's like.

Age, stability of marriage, emotional stability between you two, any other trouble spots in the M or intimacy problems in the M all may contribute to why she's asking.

My answer would be no, I don't share W embraces with others, W knows better to bring that up.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

If it bothers you, that should be enough for her. Ask her why she wants to go without you, that seems odd if you were always going before. Context is everything with dancing I think. My wife likes to dance with the girls when we go to a nightclub we like, but she wouldn't go alone or even ask to. Sometimes we go with a married couple we've known for 20+ years and every once in a while we dance with each others spouses but we'd never do that if one of us wasn't there. Most of the time dancing is pretty benign, it's not when one partner wants to go it alone.


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Why would she put forth the idea of going alone it she didn't want to do that?? In fairness, she has since said that she would like me to go to the dance with her. Still, her willingness to go alone bothers me.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She likes to dance, and apparently you do as well. You both used to go pre-covid. So go with her and schedule tennis for another time; tell her that you'd prefer spending fun time with her, over tennis. Or trust her to go alone, and play tennis - your choice. Personally, I'd have no problem with my wife going to such an event alone, but I'd probably choose to go as well. (And my wife would have no concerns if I went to such an activity if she did not want to go.) I think your wife is assuming that you'd prefer tennis, which may not be true - so correct her impression if that's the case. When we went dancing, we'd often dance with other people; it makes you a better dancer, too.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Laruppert said:


> Briefly, recently my wife suggested going to a dance without me. I have explained that I feel that would be inappropriate, but the fact that she suggested it *greatly* bothers me. I am not sure if I should discuss it with her further...if she got defensive it could make matters worse.
> Larry


Is her dancing with othwr men a boundary for you?
Man up and tell her.
Also, if you want to go.....go.
Tell her you do not appreciate her trying to exclude you and that hwr doing that makes you question her motives.
Don't be wishy washy. If you want to go...go.


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> In that setting, are you a good dancer, would you have plenty of choices if you went alone without her?
> 
> Thanks for responding. You wrote: Something is up, the presentation of the question could suggest she wants to dance with others and see what it's like.
> _I am concluding the same._
> ...


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

hinterdir said:


> Is her dancing with othwr men a boundary for you?
> Man up and tell her.


I certainly have told her that I didn't thing dancing with others was appropriate, and certainly not going to a dance alone.
Larry


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> In that setting, are you a good dancer, would you have plenty of choices if you went alone without her?
> 
> Something is up, the presentation of the question could suggest she wants to dance with others and see what it's like.
> 
> ...


(RE; first question) I forgot to mention that we are very good dancers. I wouldn't go alone, but if I did, I'm sure I would be able to dance with others.
Larry


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> She likes to dance, and apparently you do as well. You both used to go pre-covid. So go with her and schedule tennis for another time; tell her that you'd prefer spending fun time with her, over tennis. Or trust her to go alone, and play tennis - your choice. Personally, I'd have no problem with my wife going to such an event alone, but I'd probably choose to go as well. (And my wife would have no concerns if I went to such an activity if she did not want to go.) I think your wife is assuming that you'd prefer tennis, which may not be true - so correct her impression if that's the case. When we went dancing, we'd often dance with other people; it makes you a better dancer, too.


We are now going to the dance, and I do play tennis at other times. But that was not the issue for me. All of the people going to the dance (that I know), are either in a relationship (as with married couples), or they are single ladies who are open to a relationship. I don't know any married ladies who go to the dance alone. Although there is no longer and issue regarding whether I play tennis or go dancing, I am still bothered that she would want to go alone (and dance with other men).
Larry


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Laruppert said:


> (RE; first question) I forgot to mention that we are very good dancers. I wouldn't go alone, but if I did, I'm sure I would be able to dance with others.
> Larry


So, ask her if you can go alone, to that dance club or another of your choice, should circumstances show any points of concern to you. And do, if she says ok, that may be telling. 

How are ther other areas in your M?

Those are part of the overall topic as well, at least potentially. 

There is some reason she wants to go alone. That's the crux of the question from her.

Maybe innocent, maybe not. Many cases lean towards not but only you know the intimate details.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Since you were going together before I agree it seems like an odd request.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

How invested does she think you are in tennis, and has she done anything untoward in the past to make you doubt her? Have you ever talked about boundaries?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

During this covid period has she been communicating with some one who will at the dance single? for her to mention it out of the blue, means she already has a potential partner in mind.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Laruppert said:


> Why would she put forth the idea of going alone it she didn't want to do that?? In fairness, she has since said that she would like me to go to the dance with her. Still, her willingness to go alone bothers me.


I don't think this is necessarily a big deal...if she was just asking, she might have been trying to make you happy. You could be completely misreading her intentions and thoughts. 

I used to do this with my husband all the time - offer him to do what he wanted in case he didn't want to join me in what I was doing. I ALWAYS hoped he would want to be with me, but I was fine if he would be happier doing his own thing too, and I wanted to give him the freedom to choose.

It's hard to know what your wife's motivations are without knowing more about how you both relate to eachother.

Do you have anything to worry about...? Maybe. But for ME as a partner, this is just a way to be caring to you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do understand the issue here. OP and his wife like dancing and are good at it - the only reason he played tennis is because dancing was suspended. And his wife KNOWS this. Given this, she has tried to broach the subject of her going dancing alone because she wants to dance with other guys (for whatever reason). This is not a question of her being kind to him but merely using tennis as an excuse. Of course, she said she would like to go dancing with her husband (but was testing to see if she could go alone).

OP is concerned about her readiness to go alone when she knows (a) he likes dancing, (b) has been dancing with her all along; (c) is good at dancing as is she; and (d) that tennis is really a red herring here. OP you need to find out why she would like to dance with other men (and it is clear that she would). Is she normally flirty with other men, are there problems in your marriage, is she looking for attention, is your sex life lacking etc etc. You need to get to the bottom of this. By the way is this Latin Dancing or Ballroom?


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## BrianZA (Nov 18, 2018)

Who did you play tennis with?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BrianZA said:


> Who did you play tennis with?


🍿


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Laruppert said:


> I certainly have told her that I didn't thing dancing with others was appropriate, and certainly not going to a dance alone.
> Larry


That was the correct answer, and as long as she accepted it without much fuss or trouble, there’s no problem.

She floated an idea that was not acceptable to you and you shut it down. Unless there’s other concerns or red flags going on, I wouldn’t read too much into it.

Women will push boundaries to see what they can get away with (sometimes consciously, sometimes subconsciously). It’s up to you to uphold boundaries and not allow behavior that you’re not ok with. Accept it for what it is and don’t get butthurt over it. As an old boss once told me, never try to fight human nature or market realities.

You handled it right, she responded right, you’re good to go. I’d move forward and not worry about it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hmmmm, dancing isn't something I'd do without my husband, and I wouldn't want to go alone. I too find it odd that she would be ok going on her own.

My husband has told me before that he wouldn't want me dancing with other men, he said in a group he'd be ok, but up close and personal, nope. I think we had that chat after a thread on here come to think of it, lol!


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## Laruppert (Apr 26, 2021)

Laruppert said:


> We are now going to the dance, and I do play tennis at other times. But that was not the issue for me. All of the people going to the dance (that I know), are either in a relationship (as with married couples), or they are single ladies who are open to a relationship. I don't know any married ladies who go to the dance alone. Although there is no longer and issue regarding whether I play tennis or go dancing, I am still bothered that she would want to go alone (and dance with other men).
> Larry


In case there is anybody out there, still interested in this line of discussion, I can tell you that my wife and I have now talked. As feared, it did create a lot anger with my wife, but hopefully that will be short term.
I feel the issue is resolved. Her explanation that she wanted to give me the option to play tennis and that she only planned to line dance and visit with her friends. She said she hadn't intended to dance with other men.
I think I can live with this explanation, and I felt it helped me greatly to able to discuss it in this forum. Many thanks for all those who helped.
Larry


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you used to dance together but you have since developed an interest in playing tennis, it sounds more like she thinks you like tennis better than dancing so she made a suggestion which she thought would enable you to both enjoy the activity you each preferred more. 

She was trying to be nice. It's not nefarious. What else is going on that you immediately jumped to a suspicious place & had such a negative reaction to a kind gesture?

My post crossed with your update that in fact my theory was correct. She was trying to accommodate you. So my Q to you stands: why did you immediately think the worst?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Laruppert said:


> In case there is anybody out there, still interested in this line of discussion, I can tell you that my wife and I have now talked. As feared, it did create a lot anger with my wife, but hopefully that will be short term.
> I feel the issue is resolved. Her explanation that she wanted to give me the option to play tennis and that she only planned to line dance and visit with her friends. She said she hadn't intended to dance with other men.
> I think I can live with this explanation, and I felt it helped me greatly to able to discuss it in this forum. Many thanks for all those who helped.
> Larry


Did you really expect her to give you any other explanation?? So she has now turned this on you. But it still stands that she was trying to go dancing alone. What has you playing tennis got to do with her going dancing really? You could play tennis, she could play tiddliwinks, but the two of you go dancing together. Instead when you nipped it in the bud, she says she was only going to do the hokie cokie or whatever and talk with friends - that's why she wanted to go alone. 

Keep alert my friend - you have not gotten to the bottom of this and instead fallen for some DARVO (her turning the tables on you - achieves two things: offers you an explanation and guilts you into never asking again). You have chosen not to answer questions at the outset yet something prompted you to post here - lets call it a gut feel at the very least.


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