# Can't picture it anymore



## Meryl (Aug 14, 2013)

I'm new to posting here but have been reading this forum awhile. I could really use some advice. I'm feeling more and more like my marriage should be over. I'm afraid this will be long - sorry...

Married for 21 yrs (together for 24), I'm 44, H is 48, no kids. H's work has always been a driving force in our life. We've moved back and forth across the country 5 times for his work which made it hard to make and keep friends. I've had depression problems from feeling isolated and lonely for many years. H works long hours and has deep seated worries over money so we didn't go out much until recently. All along we focused on how life would be in the "future". How great it will be when we have money and a beautiful house. We'll spend time together and travel and retire early... Well as you can guess, all that time working for the future means we didn't work on our present. The future is here and we have nothing in common and vastly different ideas of what time together should look like. In my depression I didn't make much of a life for myself and just waited around for H to be available. 

The first couple of years we were together we had sex about once a week and then once or twice a month. When it went down to 4 or 5 times a year 10 years ago I started trying to "liven" things up. I brought home toys to use together and started trying to initiate sex. The toys turned him off and he usually turned me down. Now we haven't had sex in 2 years. I realized that if we did have sex it wasn't really good for me. I asked him to perform oral sex and he said he didn't like to. He also doesn't like oral performed on him even though I used to like to do that. I told him 2 years ago that if he didn't put some effort into my pleasure then I didn't want to have sex with him at all (not a big leap anyway...). He said we needed to work on our relationship before he would feel comfortable working on our sex life. We've tried therapy (he was reluctant) and he didn't like the therapist I chose so that didn't last. He's seeing someone on his own now and so am I and we've read some relationship books which helped temporarily. 

Recent stuff:
-We moved to a city with a lot of things to do and experience. I've been putting myself out there and trying to make friends and come out of my depression.
-H likes to be home and garden and does not have much interest in going to different restaurants or exploring the city. He wants me to garden with him and take walks in the evening and that would be all he needs.
-At first H was really upset when I would go out without him. I took a class that met once a week and he thought that's all I should do, not go out with friends since I was already gone once a week. I told him that wasn't reasonable since I want to make close friends and experience the city. He eventually agreed that I should not have to limit my outings to once a week. I've joined groups and do things 1-3 times a week without H.
-I made a friend through work and we started to go to happy hour every other week or so. She's a consultant and lives in a different city. Her contract lasted about 3 months and now she's in another city. H has stated that he is hurt that I never asked him to go out for happy hour and says I'm cutting him out of a big part of my life by not asking him out with us. I said it hadn't really occurred to me to ask him to come. We just talked about work and admittedly about our marriages (she's been married a long time as well). I told him she isn't here for very long and I don't really want to go out with her and him together. The happy hour time is for me to talk to my friend.
-I had happy hour with work friends after a stressful project. My manager said lets get together and talk about how it went. H was livid that I didn't invite him. It did not occur to me to invite him. I told him it was about work stuff and just relaxing with colleagues. He said that was not true since we have gone out after work before just for fun so this was no different. I've asked him to join us on other occasions but he never did since he was not close. This time we were close to his work. He stated that I am cutting him out of my life and he doesn't know me any more.

So this incident is what prompted me to finally post. I feel like I'm starting to come out of my depression and I realize that I want more in my life (the sex thing is a whole other monster...) So am I going about exploring my interests and making friends the wrong way? Am I being insensitive? 

Sorry for such a long post. I'd appreciate any advice or insight you can offer.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Sounds like a lot of things are coming to light for you. Honestly you sound like you are in a good place compared to most people on here including me. Usually something big happens in someone's life(like an affair) to make people open their eyes to what's really available in life and what they've settled for. 

You are early in this. Discovery is the first step. Do some research, find some good people to talk to, keep posting her and use the advice that feels right to you. Take your time making decisions.

I would say it is important to include your husband in how you are feeling. Honestly is always best in my opinion. 

Remember as I have recently - you only have one life to live and only you are responsible for your own happinness. Own it. 

Best.


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## Meryl (Aug 14, 2013)

Thanks for your posts. I'll take a look at the book mentioned. I'm coming to realize that my happiness will only occur if I insist on it.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Remember you are in a good place. You don't have to rush anything. Take your time and breath. You always have power. Power to make the decisions about yourself that affect your life. The power to make yourself happy.

Use it wisely.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Meryl-

emotionally, you seem to be in a good place. for 21 years, my wife was everything and I know it's coming to an end. 

I really like that you are getting out to meet new people. That is exactly what I am trying to do. It seems like it would be easier for a woman to develop friends than a man. I was always somewhat of an introvert. In am coming out of my shell and it scares the heck out of me. 

You did post in the CDS section. Is that what you believe will happen? 

Encourage your husband to do the same. I know, you can never control what he does. He will need a good support system when you decide to leave him. 24 years is a very long time.

I don't think you are doing this the wrong way


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## Meryl (Aug 14, 2013)

Trickster,
I still have some hope that we can work it out but I'm serious about leaving if we're unable to resolve our issues. Specifically I need H to be supportive of my spending time on activities that interest me outside our home. I need to develop meaningful friendships which sometimes means spending time with them without H. And I need sexual intimacy. These are my bottom lines, as my therapist would say. 

I can't imagine H posting to a forum but you never know. He is seeing his own therapist so he does have that outlet and support. 

Keep putting yourself out there. Sounds like you are determined like me to make connections with others and live a happy life.


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## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

Interesting thread
Married 24 years, going through infidelity on her part 12 years ago, communication sucks, no intimacy, no connection, no sex at all, list goes on.

Seems you are doing things for yourself, and he might be jeleous. Good for you to get out there and enjoy yourself. I am starting to do that as well, you need to have friends to do things with, interests and time away from your marriage is not a bad thing.

My wife has no friends, never goes out, and I feel like its my responsability to entertain her, crazy huh?
I have encouraged her to get out, make friends and do something for herself, and she is not moving in this direction.

I feel when I am home alone, I feel at ease. When she is home I feel syfled and not free to do as I wish.
Funny how we can feel about our spouses whom we are suppose to adore, but the resentment pile prevents this.

Keep enjoying yourself. You are not doing anything wronge, he knows where you are, and he should be happy you have connected with others and enjoy yourself.
I would think if he loved you that he would be more supportive, but I think he might be jeleous.

Craig


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

While its good that you get yourself out there, I think its a good idea to invite your husband along. Even if he says no, at least he feels included, it sounds like you dont even give him a thought. Unfortunately, I dont see the two of you staying together unless you are able to come to a resolution about your sexual issues.


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## Meryl (Aug 14, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> I feel when I am home alone, I feel at ease. When she is home I feel syfled and not free to do as I wish.
> Funny how we can feel about our spouses whom we are suppose to adore, but the resentment pile prevents this.
> 
> Craig


I feel like this as well. H was out of town and I was relaxed and enjoyed myself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Meryl said:


> I feel like this as well. H was out of town and I was relaxed and enjoyed myself.


This is a pretty sure sign that you are done.


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## Meryl (Aug 14, 2013)

I agree that I should invite H along to some things but I feel I should be able to have some separate activities & friends. And him wanting to go to a gathering where we would just be discussion work and no other significant others were there seemed invasive to me...

I am worried that even if we can sort most things out so we are both happy with the day-to-day, our sexual issues could still cause us to split. He says he's willing to go to sex therapy. Does anyone have experience with this? Did it help?


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