# TAM causing problems in my marriage



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

My wife found TAM a while back when we were having problems. She did a lot of reading, and got some good advice, and it helped quite a bit. 

The problem is, spending time on TAM now seems to have taken on a life of its own, and now it is causing more harm than good. She spends far too much time reading and posting (IMO), she seems to immerse herself in other peoples problems and absorbs the depression and negative emotions, she pours everything she has into her posts to try to help people (she was helped here, and I think she feels an obligation to pay back), and at the end of the day I am left with an irritated, grumpy, shell of a wife.

It's difficult to prove because it's a matter of degree. It's not like she was never distant or distracted or tired in the past (everyone is), but now she is consistently more distant and more distracted and more tired, and over the last year or so her time on TAM has increased to the point where she is probably here a couple hours a day, and when I am home she is constantly checking on certain threads and she gets irritated when she doesn't keep up with what's going on. 

We've talked about it, but she denies that her time on-line is the problem. She blames her moods on being busy, or she blames the problems on me because I have a stressful job. She insists that her time on TAM helps her. It almost sounds like what you'd hear from an addict and I considered posting in Relationships and Addictions (but those folks are dealing with much more serious issues). Anyway, there seems to be no way to prove it one way or another. 

Has anyone else dealt with this, and do you have any advice? I've been a long time lurker and I think I saw threads along these lines before, but I can't find them now.

Thanks.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Does your wife know you posted here? Will she respond, too? Just curious.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

I did not tell her I posted and I don't think she knows I have an account. I opened the account a while back to learn a little more about the site because she spoke highly of it. 

There is a chance she may see this thread and guess it's me. If that happens, I'll own up to it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

So many women will be looking over at their husbands to see if this is him 

Immersing herself in TAM could be a _symptom _of being stressed and not necessarily the cause. 
Where does she typically post? Some areas make me more upset than others. I usually have to stay pretty far away from the infidelity board and if I do land on there I can only read for a bit before I see some derogatory comment that makes me upset. 

How are things going other than that? How much time do you spend a week together alone? How are you dealing with the stress from your job? Do you guys have a plan to get less busy at some point?


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> So many women will be looking over at their husbands to see if this is him  *I'm doing my part to spread Christmas cheer :grin2:*
> 
> Immersing herself in TAM could be a _symptom _of being stressed and not necessarily the cause. *That's true.*
> 
> ...


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Would you say you have a curious wife?


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Would you say you have a curious wife?


No, but thanks for playing. :smile2:


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

Let me try this a different way. If you're married and your spouse asked you to leave TAM, would you do it? Assume they truly believed TAM was hurting the marriage.

Maybe I should have made this a poll. I think it's too late now.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If you don't mind, was she on the LD or HD end of the sexual problem?

How bad is the TAM addiction? Does she do it when she should be doing other things (taking care of the kids, cooking, had something else planned) or is it her downtime when there isn't anything else really going on? 

What kinds of things would you like her to be doing with you when you are home together instead of TAM? If you planned something, even if it's just putting on movie and popping some popcorn, would she be happy about shutting the computer off for it or would she be annoyed she's missing her threads?

Do you have a thing you do? TV, video games, computer, etc? I am on TAM often but H watches youtube or plays his games while I am so we both have a downtime thing.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

HA, you could be my husband easily. I mean, I know I can't be Mrs. Mulligan. But most of the facts line up pretty well.

I spend a lot of time here, primarily because i'm an escapist. When my life is unsatisfactory, and i have a a problem that i don't have the tools to fix, it give me satisfaction to come on here and offer advice when i can. I like puzzles and problem solving. And there are some great people on here, lots to learn. Maybe some of its schadenfreude, who knows.

Is there anything at home or work that she's trying to get away from mentally? 

I've seen a few times on TAM, where people will tell you that if you are the one taking issue, then you will have to be the one who makes the effort. Even if it is her "fault". Either that, or accept that you will stay in a vicious cycle. In fact, i just copied this word for word off of another thread. He says it more eloquently than i can.



Sawney Beane said:


> The trouble with any approach where no-one does anything because both people aren't is that it ignores a simple truth: The job that takes the longest is the one that no-one is prepared to start.
> 
> If both partners sit there waiting for the other one to do something, guess what? Neither of them will. Someone has to act.
> 
> As for it being her issue to solve, well, it might be, but it doesn't seem to be bothering her, so she's not likely to go charging off to fix it unilaterally, is she?


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Mulligan said:


> Let me try this a different way. If you're married and your spouse asked you to leave TAM, would you do it? Assume they truly believed TAM was hurting the marriage.
> 
> Maybe I should have made this a poll. I think it's too late now.


You can start a new thread with a poll. post the link here.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

IMO and I Am a female.

Telling her leave the forum could do some damage, she feels the site helped her a lot and would probably feel lost. My H knows I'm on here , he is busy doing his own thing but we do still spend quality time in the evenings. 

She does need to learn to keep the forum out of her relationship, if it is affecting her mood/attitude. It is hard sometimes because you really start to feel, what the other person is going through especially if you can relate and you want to help them all you can.

I would first try to talk to her about limiting her time in evenings and spending that time with you (communication is key). Keep in mind she could be doing something worse online as we all could be, but instead we are here going through it together.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

TAM has helped me immensely, however, I can understand your concerns. I have found that when I read some of the posts, it rekindles some of the resentments I worked so hard to get rid of. I want to share & help other people with what I have learned, BUT, sometimes I have to limit my exposure. Otherwise, I find myself feeling frustrated when really, my marriage has improved.

Could you wife agree to limiting time?


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If you don't mind, was she on the LD or HD end of the sexual problem? *she was LD, I was HD.*
> 
> How bad is the TAM addiction? Does she do it when she should be doing other things (taking care of the kids, cooking, had something else planned) or is it her downtime when there isn't anything else really going on? *There is an effect on her productivity, but it's not horrible. She manages the kids (she is a SAHM) and much of the household chores. Some things don't get done (e.g., grocery shopping might get postponed, or cleaning), and it's an inconvenience, but it is not creating any real hardship.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

It's called "helpers high". She gets a high(endorphins) helping others. It's actually probably very therapeutic for her. Maybe she could only do it during certain hours like 9p-11p or some other window. Don't take it away from her or you'll have a depressed wife for sure because it would be a loss to her psyche. Hope this helps!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mulligan said:


> Let me try this a different way. If you're married and your spouse asked you to leave TAM, would you do it? Assume they truly believed TAM was hurting the marriage.
> 
> Maybe I should have made this a poll. I think it's too late now.


Yes if my wife asked me to stop reading/posting at TAM then I would stop. If she thought TAM was a problem then I would much prefer a compromise over an ultimatum though.

I think TAM is the most addictive for people who want to feel like they're helping others and for people searching for more purpose in life. Mulligan, have you considered joining your wife here openly with her knowing your user?


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> HA, you could be my husband easily. I mean, I know I can't be Mrs. Mulligan. But most of the facts line up pretty well.
> 
> I spend a lot of time here, primarily because i'm an escapist. When my life is unsatisfactory, and i have a a problem that i don't have the tools to fix, it give me satisfaction to come on here and offer advice when i can. I like puzzles and problem solving. And there are some great people on here, lots to learn. Maybe some of its schadenfreude, who knows.
> 
> ...


Well, she is a SAHM. I don't blame her for wanting to escape chasing kids, doing laundry, and cleaning bathrooms. I think TAM probably is an escape. And I think she enjoys the conversation here. I think she sees it as productive. But it takes a toll too.

And you are right. I am the one who wants change, so I need to do the work. I'm just not sure how to do it. We've been through a rough time already, and I don't want to drive us into another. But I truly believe this is causing problems, at least for me.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

In her threads does she admit her ld is an issue? Or does she defend it?


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

Lostme said:


> IMO and I Am a female.
> 
> Telling her leave the forum could do some damage, she feels the site helped her a lot and would probably feel lost. My H knows I'm on here , he is busy doing his own thing but we do still spend quality time in the evenings.
> 
> ...


I agree, ultimatums are not the way to go. And we've tried limiting her time, but she can't seem to regulate herself. We've talked about it and she admits that she sits down to respond to one thread and it turns into an hour and a bunch of posts. And then she keeps coming back all day to check on what's going on in those threads and posting more. But she denies this has any effect on her moods. That's where we keep going around in circles. 

I don't mind her spending time here if that's what she wants to do, the problem is that it effects her mood in a way that is a problem, at least for me. By the time the evening gets here, she is spent on TAM (at least that's the main cause IMO) so we don't have that quality time.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> It's called "helpers high". She gets a high(endorphins) helping others. It's actually probably very therapeutic for her. Maybe she could only do it during certain hours like 9p-11p or some other window. Don't take it away from her or you'll have a depressed wife for sure because it would be a loss to her psyche. Hope this helps!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More likely its an interactive replacement for reality TV


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> TAM has helped me immensely, however, I can understand your concerns. I have found that when I read some of the posts, it rekindles some of the resentments I worked so hard to get rid of. I want to share & help other people with what I have learned, BUT, sometimes I have to limit my exposure. Otherwise, I find myself feeling frustrated when really, my marriage has improved.
> 
> Could you wife agree to limiting time?


What you describe with yourself seems spot on.

We tried limiting time, but she doesn't stick with it. She cheats a little, and then a little more. I'm not around to monitor her all day, and I don't want to. 

When I raise the issue, she waves it off as no big deal. I don't want to make her time on TAM a big deal EXCEPT it seems to take a lot out of her in the evenings.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> It's called "helpers high". She gets a high(endorphins) helping others. It's actually probably very therapeutic for her. Maybe she could only do it during certain hours like 9p-11p or some other window. Don't take it away from her or you'll have a depressed wife for sure because it would be a loss to her psyche. Hope this helps!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Helpers High. I've not heard of that before, but it sounds like what I see in her.

We've tried limiting her time on TAM but she doesn't stick to it and I can't really enforce it.

But if I could make something work, I think the evenings would be best (e.g., 9-11) so that she was not spend before dinner. Maybe I can get her to buy into that.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Yes if my wife asked me to stop reading/posting at TAM then I would stop. If she thought TAM was a problem then I would much prefer a compromise over an ultimatum though.
> 
> I think TAM is the most addictive for people who want to feel like they're helping others and for people searching for more purpose in life. Mulligan, have you considered joining your wife here openly with her knowing your user?


I do think she gets satisfaction and feels she is helping others.

Posting together seems like a good idea except that I'm not really an on-line forum sort of guy. I'm more of a hands-on/physical world sort of person. I don't think I would not stick with post here. I think that's one of the reasons I find her activity so frustrating.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> In her threads does she admit her ld is an issue? Or does she defend it?


I know I will lose a lot of sympathy here, but our sex life is much improved and is not an issue anymore.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mulligan said:


> Well, she is a SAHM. I don't blame her for wanting to escape chasing kids, doing laundry, and cleaning bathrooms. I think TAM probably is an escape. And I think she enjoys the conversation here. I think she sees it as productive. But it takes a toll too.
> 
> And you are right. I am the one who wants change, so I need to do the work. I'm just not sure how to do it. We've been through a rough time already, and I don't want to drive us into another. But I truly believe this is causing problems, at least for me.


SAHMs deserve a lot of credit but sometimes they don't get much from society and they often weren't taught to respect being a SAHM growing up either. You go to work 5-6 days per week so you get lots of adult interaction but she's stuck at home with the kids. TAM and other social media are probably meeting a need for her adult time so she's not going to like giving it up.

So what kind of circle of friends and family do you guys have and how often is she able to be one of the adults and not mommy? That two hours per night or what ever on TAM is her "I'm an adult" time.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Yeah it is not good she is bringing the bad mood/attitude to your relationship, she needs to learn to control and to separate the two.

I understand where you are coming from now, and I understand how this could make for a miserable evening at home. I wish I had a solid answer to give you on how to make her understand that her time on the site does affect her mood and therefore the relationship. 

Would she be willing to spend time with you, before she gets on the forum or would she find it offense since she does not think there is an issue with it? Or does it not matter when she is on for her mood to change? 

I know that if my H felt the way you do, I would definitely try to remedy the issue especially if we were having /had any type of problem and make sure that was solid and kept it nourished. Sometime we get to comfortable and forget what needs to be done to keep it all going.

I hope she will realize how it makes you feel and learns how to keep the two separate.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Mulligan said:


> What you describe with yourself seems spot on.
> 
> We tried limiting time, but she doesn't stick with it. She cheats a little, and then a little more. I'm not around to monitor her all day, and I don't want to.
> 
> When I raise the issue, she waves it off as no big deal. I don't want to make her time on TAM a big deal EXCEPT it seems to take a lot out of her in the evenings.


So, cutting the time down, or off, isn't going to work. Replacing it? Could you ask about what she's posting on? Could you use that to have a conversation? Could you then make a trip to the library or barnes and noble to get coffee and look at self help books together? 
-or-
If she likes to help, could you nudge her toward some volunteer work? When i volunteered a lot it gave me the same sort of helper's high. Plus if it's busy, like a soup kitchen, then you don't have time to become deeply invested/affected by the individual.

I'm sure there are other ways to draw her away from forums, and replace the time with something more positive, but similar. Those are the two first ideas to come to mind. You know her best, i'm sure you have an idea of what would draw her in.

I saw @Thundarr said it was her adult time. That's extremely likely. It's why my two suggestions were places where she would also be "adulting"


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> SAHMs deserve a lot of credit but sometimes they don't get much from society and they often weren't taught to respect being a SAHM growing up either. You go to work 5-6 days per week so you get lots of adult interaction but she's stuck at home with the kids. TAM and other social media are probably meeting a need for her adult time so she's not going to like giving it up.
> 
> So what kind of circle of friends and family do you guys have and how often is she able to be one of the adults and not mommy? That two hours per night or what ever on TAM is her "I'm an adult" time.


I agree. It is tough and often thankless job. 

She gets out without the kids a couple times a month with friends. To the gym a couple times a week.

I don't begrudge her some adult time or an escape each day, my only issue is the effect this particular escape is having. I'd gladly give her all of her time on TAM for another activity that leaves her less drained.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LOL. She's going to find you.

I give you until Monday afternoon tops.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mulligan said:


> I do think she gets satisfaction and feels she is helping others.
> 
> Posting together seems like a good idea except that I'm not really an on-line forum sort of guy. I'm more of a hands-on/physical world sort of person. I don't think I would not stick with post here. I think that's one of the reasons I find her activity so frustrating.


It's a lot easier to be a "hands-on/physical world" person if you're in the physical world on the daily basis though. She's trapped in four walls with the kids all day long. Even though it's her choice, it still has an affect.

Frustration is normal I think. My wife gets frustrated with me during football season because I'm trying to watch it all day long on Saturday. I get a little frustrated when she comes in from work monday-friday and fires up DVRd Steve Willcos shows because they are garbage. But I leave the computer and watch an episode with her when I can stomach it lol.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Mulligan said:


> I don't begrudge her some adult time or an escape each day, my only issue is the effect this particular escape is having. I'd gladly give her all of her time on TAM for another activity that leaves her less drained.


You seem like a reasonable and smart guy to me. She's probably displaying some signs of being addicted and letting it get to her. I think sixty-eight had a couple of really good suggestions about replacing social media purpose with IRL purpose. It might help.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I'm going to be a contrarian. I think we need more women posting on TAM. And so I welcome your wife to TAM.

Of course that doesn't help the OP much, but then he's already had some excellent advice from some of the women already here.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can probably relate. This forum, no offence to those here, sucks the life out of you.

I have longer and more frequent breaks now. I find myself coming back if I need distraction from the stress I'm under, but it's like reaching for the petrol to put out the flames.

It's great for short periods of time. You get some advice or different perspectives, give your own opinions on some things, then leave. Generally I take it as my queue to leave when someone gets all butthurt over an opinion I give, as if it matters what the hell I think, and I realise I have better things to do than feed their issues.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mulligan said:


> My wife found TAM a while back when we were having problems. She did a lot of reading, and got some good advice, and it helped quite a bit.
> 
> The problem is, spending time on TAM now seems to have taken on a life of its own, and now it is causing more harm than good. She spends far too much time reading and posting (IMO), she seems to immerse herself in other peoples problems and absorbs the depression and negative emotions, she pours everything she has into her posts to try to help people (she was helped here, and I think she feels an obligation to pay back), and at the end of the day I am left with an irritated, grumpy, shell of a wife.
> 
> ...


If things were groovy with your marriage, your wife wouldn't be on TAMS. People who are well rarely hang out in the hospital.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mulligan said:


> She spends far too much time reading and posting (IMO), she seems to immerse herself in other peoples problems and absorbs the depression and negative emotions.


I stopped posting here for a while for this very reason. My SO told me that I was also starting to project some of the toxic misogynistic spoutings I read here onto him, and it actually started to affect our relationship! :surprise:

Your W might want to step back for a while.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> I stopped posting here for a while for this very reason. My SO told me that I was also starting to project some of the toxic misogynistic spoutings I read here onto him, and it actually started to affect our relationship! :surprise:
> 
> Your W might want to step back for a while.


Some of that has actually been great for my marriage because I get scared about what's out there in the dating scene :laugh: 

But sometimes I'll read something that just gets me all riled up so I try to just close the tab and walk away.

I had to leave for a few months after my H's affair because it was just a toxic place to be in and too much triggering and angry people.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
TAM is an online forum available to anyone with a device and an internet connection. It is no more causing your diffuculties than guns are causing people to be shot. Your problem lies elsewhere. Your wife is finding solace or distraction in this venue and the real question you need to answer is why and from what. If you disvover that answer and work to correct it then your problem will dissipate as her need for this solace/distraction diminishes.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

There's probably plenty of reasons why she's using the forum, but that doesn't mean it's not causing issues. It somewhat reminds me of this quote from Matrix:

Agent Smith: I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it. 

For a woman on this forum, the hatred oozing for women in this place can make you sick inside.


----------



## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

This site is a triggering heaven for people with issues in their marriage, I've read stories seriously depressing where a guys wife is actively cheating on him and for months he just whines and mopes and it can put me in downright bad mood, you want to slap the guy through the computer. When that happens I take a break, it's not good for anyone, and I've noticed I'll give my wife the cold shoulder if I've been reading cheating wife posts (which seem to be 99% of the CWI forum).


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

knobcreek said:


> This site is a triggering heaven for people with issues in their marriage, I've read stories seriously depressing where a guys wife is actively cheating on him and for months he just whines and mopes and it can put me in downright bad mood, you want to slap the guy through the computer. When that happens I take a break, it's not good for anyone, and I've noticed I'll give my wife the cold shoulder if I've been reading cheating wife posts (which seem to be 99% of the CWI forum).


Yes this. Self awareness goes a long way so hopefully Mulligan's wife is thinking this over even if she hasn't responded well yet. That could be pride talking.

We all have to be accountable for how we let words and other people influence us. TAM is a great forum but there are lots of trigger threads and bitterness, and a lot of otherwise intelligent people getting sucked into gender warfare. It's affects quite a few posters negatively in my opinion. There's something about setting behind a keyboard as an anonymous user that makes us debate less tolerant and more hypothetical.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> So, cutting the time down, or off, isn't going to work. Replacing it? Could you ask about what she's posting on? Could you use that to have a conversation? Could you then make a trip to the library or barnes and noble to get coffee and look at self help books together?
> -or-
> If she likes to help, could you nudge her toward some volunteer work? When i volunteered a lot it gave me the same sort of helper's high. Plus if it's busy, like a soup kitchen, then you don't have time to become deeply invested/affected by the individual.
> 
> ...


I think there is a lot to gain by us spending more time together and away from the kids. At date night at Barnes and Noble would probably be a great escape for both of us. We need to make it a priority, and I will take responsibility for that.

The tricky part is trying to keep her in a decent head space late enough into the day so that we can spend some quality time after work. But I got some good ideas here, and I will redouble my efforts.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. She's going to find you.
> 
> I give you until Monday afternoon tops.


You may be right. But she was on last night and said nothing to me, so I may be in the clear as long as this thread does not spend too much time on the "Recent Discussions" list.

I considered deleting the thread, but I got some good feedback and may want to come back, so for now I will leave it and take my chances.

So, based on Gus' handicapping, the over/under is Monday at 3PM. If she finds me out before then, I will come back and let you know.


----------



## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who responded. I am sorry I did not respond to every suggestion or question, but I read all of the posts and I appreciate everyone's efforts.

I got a lot of good advice and ideas. Overall we have a good marriage, I just need to tweak this aspect somehow. I'm going to give it some thought over the weekend and decide how to proceed. 

I may come with an update. Thanks again.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I spend a lot of time here myself, but I discovered TAM after it was too late to help my marriage. I'm sure my ex would have been frustrated at how much time I spend on it, but right now I'm single and don't have anything else better to do.

Personally, being told to spend less time here would get my back up, and I'd just ignore the demand. Nobody tells me what to do like that. A partner would have to give me incentive to spend less time on TAM. I don't mean by just verbally pointing out how it was hurting the relationship either, I mean by being a better, more interesting, and more rewarding use of my time.

If your wife spends more time on TAM than she does on your marriage, work on the marriage until she'd rather spend more time with you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it hasn't been discussed yet, posting on others' threads meets a need for some people. The need to be valuable, the need to be needed, the need to be helpful.

Those are needs you could be filling. If you were filling them, she'd look forward to being WITH you than in her computer.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She could be depressed.


----------

