# Separated, ready for divorce and now totally confused!!



## itsjustme23 (Jun 1, 2010)

I'd posted this in another section of the forum but thought this might be the right place for it...any advice would be appreciated!
My original post is below the current.

Hello,
After writing this post back in June I took everyone's advice and told my husband I wanted a divorce. It was a mutual agreement but as he the weeks went by before he finally left he began being mean, vulgar, hurtful - basically anything he could to do make me feel horrible about myself. By the time he finally took his things and moved back to Tennessee I couldn't stand the sight of him never mind talking to him. So, here's what's going on now. He left the end of June. We agreed to divorce and agreed on all of the terms. No kids and no assets together made it so much easier. When he was leaving it was sad because of the good things I remembered but honestly, after he'd left my daughter and I breathed a sigh of relief and have been happy ever since. Now that he's been gone for about 4 months I have began to move on with my life and began doing things for my daughter and I ONLY and no one else. The past few weeks he's been texting me telling me that he's been gone for a while and realized what he'd done and wanted to talk to me to tell me what he couldn't tell me before. I told him, fine to call me and tell me so that he could get it off his chest and say what he needed to say but it wasn't going to change anything and we could both move on. He finally called last week and told me he loved us more than anything, missed us, that he realized he was selfish and a jerk, a$$****, treated me bad, etc. and that he was messed up and didn't know how to deal with moving here and being together. He asked me to give him another chance which I didn't agree to. The past few days he keeps texting me saying he wants another chance, he knew he made a mistake but it's a mistake and everyone makes them, that he is sorry and wants to prove how much he loves me, us, the marriage, etc. and he'll be a better husband. He'd gotten 2 jobs and things have been going positive for him. I haven't responded to him because at this point, I don't believe him and I don't really want to get back together because I can't see where things would be better and he is "fixed". How can I take him back if he's #1, living in TN and has jobs, not here in FL where I am and #2, how is he ready to try again in 4 months when he would have to start all over again in FL? He says that if we don't give it a try we'll both be making a mistake and that we'll both lose...I have been so hurt by what he did in the past I haven't been able to get past it and I really believe that if I forgive him, I won't ever forget and that wouldn't allow me to trust him, etc. and how do you have a good marriage if you can't trust, love and respect each other?
Please help with your great advice again! What do I do?? 

side note - I already have all the divorce papers signed by him...I haven't had the chance/money to file yet...it's not that I have had second thoughts about it.




> _This isn't a short story - my husband and I have known each other for about 5 years. He lived in TN and I lived in FL. His best friend lived up the road from me so that's how we met. When my husband would come to visit his best friend he'd spend time with me if he could. There came a point in time where he would just come to see me for a weekend, etc. and stay with his friend when he had to. We have always gotten along really well and know everything there is to know about each other. We decided that we were more than friends and started talking long term. He ended up moving to FL at the end of January, 2010. He'd not had a job in TN because he got laid off the previous January. I have been with my company for 9 years. I got us a house and I paid the deposit, etc. for us to move in plus paid all the deposits for the utilities, etc. He came to FL with a couch, loveseat, coffee table and a queen size bed. I provided everything else or I bought whatever I could afford after he moved here. He was supposed to look for a job and start working. Instead he chose to look into college which is great of course and I support it. He ended up starting culinary school within a week. I pay for his gas to get back and forth. I said well then I guess you'll have to get a part time job. I know we need the money because I know how much I had and what I needed as just for my daughter and I. He quickly dropped the subject of working. We got married 3/19/2010 (which was planned) and our honeymoon was already paid for which was a 8 day cruise. We've been fighting ever since we got married. I'm having a hard time because I'm struggling to pay our obligations, etc. and have asked him repeatedly to talk to me about what we're going to do because we need another income. He just ignores it and does other things. His class schedule is Mon 5pm - 11 pm, Tues 2pm - 11 pm, Wed off, Thurs 8am-12pm and off Fri, Sat & Sun. My schedule is Mon - Fri 6:15 am - 3:00pm and then I have to take care of my daughter and fit school in (online classes to finish my bachelor's degree) all the rest of the hours before I got to bed. I get up between 4 am and 5 am every day. I get my daughter up, ready for school and ready to head to the bus stop. I wake my husband up at 5:50 or so because he takes my daughter to the bus stop. I head off to work and he comes home to sleep mostly...or drink I believe, or smoke pot which I never have done. I ask him about getting a job and what we're going to do for money (when we're alone of course) and he just tells me to stop *****ing and maybe he wouldn't drink so much if I would just shut the f* up.
> 
> I'm so confused because before we got married he was the most wonderful man. Everyone I know loves him - my family (and most of all my daughter & son) love him. He's charming, intelligent, funny, well-mannered, etc. then once we got married it was like he no longer was that person anymore. I can't keep paying for everything and stressing about money 24/7 - it's killing me and it's too much to have on one person's shoulders. He tells me that NO one is going to tell him what to do and if he's told he'll just do the opposite. He also told me that he has a problem with authority. I said but hon, we're supposed to be 50/50 - partners, equals but I'm doing just about everything. He'll clean every once in awhile but it's barely nothing and only if he wants to do it..Before she started school he said he'd love to cook every night so that when I come home dinner would be made and one less thing to worry about for me. He only does that once in awhile and only if he feels like it. He does NOTHING else....in the time he has he could be grocery shopping or anything else but just does nothing...sleeps most of the time and is only up when I'm in bed. He's NOT LAZY so I just can't figure it out. He's always running around doing things. I just don't know what to do because I said to him over the weekend that I really think we need to look into him getting a job and maybe even taking the summer off so that he can stay home with my daughter (which he already said he'd do until he decided he wanted to take classes during the summer) because I can't afford summer camp this year. He flat out told me there's no way he's staying home and there's absolutely NO WAY he was going to take time off from school so we can get on our feet and take some of the stress off of me. He said, ok fine - I'll get a job but it's not going to be enough to pay what's in TN never mind some here too. I was like, what?? Why would you do that? My guess is that he just plain doesn't want to have to work at all. I actually asked him if I was his meal ticket to moving to Florida with all expenses paid and he said I was crazy...but that's all I feel like - a meal ticket because nothing gets done to help me and I've done everything I can to help him (including paying for his plane tickets and gas, etc to go back and forth to TN to visit his kids).
> 
> ...


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

It sucks to having to write this, but I think I'm your husband in this story and my husband is you....

He's the main bread winner...has been for 10 years.....

I do have a job, but I make 3 times less than him and it pretty much only pays for everything for the kids and my debt ....

He's asked for a divorce on Labor Day weekend because he feels like you....I'm not contributing much and it's killing him, because he can't see that it will ever change.....he's working overtime (he's a police officer) to support a good life and I pretty much blow most of my money.....

When I realized what I've done over the years it hit me like a jackhammer....I was devastated....

He's the love of my life and I don't want to lose him, but he doesn't want to give me a chance because he got so sick from it (depression, black outs etc.) that he feels like will only get better without me.....

I promised him to change, but he wasn't having it....

So I picked myself up, agreed to the divorce and started making the changes anyway because I knew I wouldn't be able to make it on my own if I don't change.....

We are getting along really well now (I still live with him and the kids).....maybe even to well (sex).....

I hope and pray that the change he sees I've made will make him change his mind and he will give us another chance....

The biggest question for you is....do you still love him ???

If he would change (being in FL with you) could you see yourself with him ???

If you do and you can, then I would tell him to try to find a job in FL....move to FL (not in with you) and then prove himself to you.....

Otherwise if you truly don't love him anymore.....just let it go...if you're happy, don't feel like you owe him anything....


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