# Physical Violence



## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

Hi Everyone

To make a long story short there was some physical violence in my relationship with my wife many years ago. It been pretty quiet but recently my wife and I have been getting into some fire filled argument. She put her hand in my face and i feel disrespected so I my hand in her face. As we argue there is alot of walking around the house from both of us. I feel that sometime she get to close or gets in my face on purpose. When we bump into each other she stays there and tells me to get out of her way and if I don't she tries to bogard her way through me. So I push her off of me. Immediatly she get into a karate stance to like if she's going to hit me. So I invite her to go ahead and "hit me". Recently she has pushed me and I pushed her back then threatened to call the police if I kept arguing with her, so I told go ahead. she went and called the police. They didn't do anything but I don't think I was in the wrong pushing her back after she tries to go through me. The police didn't say anything to us specifically they just asked us both if we were going to work and left us alone. 

I guess my question is did I do anything wrong? I felt that she tried to use the police to manipulate me. Should I leave? I want to but I put so much into trying to pay off the bills and the mortgage to leave it to her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're both doing something wrong. You both need to do something to learn new ways to discuss things with each other without getting physical. You should be able to discuss things without that happening.

If you can't do that, start putting some effort into a separation/divorce agreement so you can split. Spend as much time out of the house until that happens, without actually moving out (i.e. find someplace you can hang out in the evenings). Heck, if the two of you could agree that this is going to a bad place, it would be nice if you could each agree on an "out of the house" schedule, so could still "live" in the same house without crossing paths regularly.

C


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Who says you have to leave? Go get a restraining order on her and force her out. 

My advise was to never use violence against her. You may feel justified, but that is never an answer. Her aggression has no excuse either.

Do you have kids? If so, don't just leave. I'm not sure what your divorce laws are, but you just leaving is sometimes seen as abandonment, so you need tobe careful or you will lose everything.

I would recommend seeing a lawyer if it's that bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

It so hard not to reciprocate when she pushes me or puts her hand in my face. I've come to the point now that I feel like I hate her. She so HyperCritical. This stupid argument is all because I didn't buy milk that day. I did all the work bought all the food, cooked, had to do maintenace at my job and watched the baby when she went to do laundry. She called me lazy and selfish so I tried to point out all the thing I did that day to get her to back off.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You need to read the sticky in the men's forum about nice guys. Maybe this is you. Check it out.

She obviously is not respecting you at all. You have a big challenge ahead of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> You need to read the sticky in the men's forum about nice guys. Maybe this is you. Check it out.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not so sure a man who feels justified shoving BACK fits the "nice guy" profile. But finding cooler-headed ways to stand up to her--in the nice guy threads--could be very helpful.

Not the point. No, she shouldn't have gone crazy over not buying milk. No, she shouldn't have shoved first. Yes, she is posturing to intimidate him. YIKES.

This also is not the point: "Did I do something wrong?"

The point is: your fighting is unhealthy and destructive. 

Please look into marriage counseling.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Why don't you walk away and refuse to engage with her when she is behaving like that. It sounds like you both have huge anger control issues. 

You need to stand up and say, "I am leaving the room, do not follow me, I will talk to you about this calmly when we have both settled down" Don't accuse her, and blame her, and take responsibility for your self and diffuse the situation.

If she tries to follow you , then calmly tell her you are going for a walk, that you will be back, and then you will talk calmly with her. Don't act like you are leaving her.


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Why don't you walk away and refuse to engage with her when she is behaving like that. It sounds like you both have huge anger control issues.
> 
> You need to stand up and say, "I am leaving the room, do not follow me, I will talk to you about this calmly when we have both settled down" Don't accuse her, and blame her, and take responsibility for your self and diffuse the situation.
> 
> If she tries to follow you , then calmly tell her you are going for a walk, that you will be back, and then you will talk calmly with her. Don't act like you are leaving her.


I've tried the leaving the room thing before, I end up locking myself in the bathroom with her standing at the door of the bathroom just going to town with her mouth. Leaving and coming back either has had the same end result or her just walking around the house talking to herself about me as if I was not there.

So I'd sit either in the bathroom till she stopped or tried to focus on something else. This left me feeling like she always got the last word so I decided to stop doing this.

But in retrospect I just never went back to her to discuss the issue afterwords it just went unresolved. So this is probably where I need to change.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> I've tried the leaving the room thing before, I end up locking myself in the bathroom with her standing at the door of the bathroom just going to town with her mouth. Leaving and coming back either has had the same end result or her just walking around the house talking to herself about me as if I was not there.
> 
> So I'd sit either in the bathroom till she stopped or tried to focus on something else. This left me feeling like she always got the last word so I decided to stop doing this.
> 
> But in retrospect I just never went back to her to discuss the issue afterwords it just went unresolved. So this is probably where I need to change.


Alphaomega's recommendation was good---read the nice guy/man-up threads.
Lots of strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Alphaomega's recommendation was good---read the nice guy/man-up threads.
> Lots of strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is actually a good time to bring this up.

What is the entire point of "manning up" - which could also be called "growing up"?

Why does it "work". I've heard people doubting whether it does. I can assure you it's helped change the entire dynamic in my relationship.

The OP here could be describing a scene between my wife and I a few years ago. It's how it went. Right fighting. Neither one giving an inch.

How would a 'manned up' man handle this.

He would stay in complete deadpan control of his emotions.

Why? What's the point? LOOK at what she's "getting away with".

Or is she?

What happens when you stay like an emotional rock. Unmoved. No big emotions. She's ranting like a fool.

The answer?

She actually sees herself.

And - that's a VERY big deal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Either both of you start going to a marriage counselor to learn how to stop the negative behavior, or divorce.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh for chrissake what's the damn point? You're practically pounding on each other. Split up before it ends up on TV with you in cuffs and your wife beating on the cop sent to rescue her.


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Either both of you start going to a marriage counselor to learn how to stop the negative behavior, or divorce.


Thanks. I'll do what I need to do for me and get her out of my life. Won't be easy but it needs to be done. Especially after the nightmare of a counseling section we received from her church.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I never recommend church counselors. They didn't go to college for at least 5 years strictly for psychology. IMO they do more damage than good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Question, though. You mention physical violence years ago. Was that YOU being violent? What have you done to remove that risk from your life?


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

Both, but I was the agressor, I went to anger management for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Doesn't sound like it worked.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

TO me, when a woman picks a fight with me, its like a little kid picking a fight with me, they pose no real threat so why engage them? Be a man and walk away, 

...or in my case Id just let the woman slap my face , THATS HOT!


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

franklinfx said:


> TO me, when a woman picks a fight with me, its like a little kid picking a fight with me, they pose no real threat so why engage them? Be a man and walk away,
> 
> ...or in my case Id just let the woman slap my face , THATS HOT!


This women is a trained fighter she is a purple belt and engages class for 3 hours a week. 

Even a little kid can kill you with a weapon in their hand. My mother stabbed my father with a glass shard. I've also been stabbed by her in the stomach and have a scar on my face caused by her when I was 12.


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Doesn't sound like it worked.


Maybe not. Well I didn't push her out of anger it was out of self defense. She was on me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> This women is a trained fighter she is a purple belt and engages class for 3 hours a week.
> 
> Even a little kid can kill you with a weapon in their hand. My mother stabbed my father with a glass shard. I've also been stabbed by her in the stomach and have a scar on my face caused by her when I was 12.


That totally explains "where" your problems with anger came from.

You grew up in the middle of it.

Perhaps you may both love each other - but it sounds as though you are toxic to each other and love cannot overcome that.

You need to find a "better" way of hashing out your issues.

Or like Runs said - we're going to see you on an episode of Cops.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You've gotten great advice--get help and/or leave now. This cannot turn out well. Because you are likely the larger, stronger one, she will be viewed as the more likely victim--and she may feel justified in using a weapon to even the odds. Do you really want to either end up in jprison, dead, or debilitated? That is the trajectory you are on. Since you are the one with the record, too, it will go worse for you. 

I don't think the "refuse to leave" advice is good if it means you will both be in the same house. Leave when she is there, perhaps, and be seen around otherwise. Are kids involved? Do you own the house? If neither of those two things are true, just get out and protect yourself from a sitaution that is likely to turn against you. Good luck, and although I think you are making a mistake when you DON'T lock yourself in the bathroom (who cares if she gets the last word? Run the water loudly), it sounds like you have been trying not to repeat past mistakes--you can take some pride in that, but ultimately, it is not her behavior, it is your CHOICE about how you respond to her behavior, that says whether or not you have really changed.


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> You've gotten great advice--get help and/or leave now. This cannot turn out well. Because you are likely the larger, stronger one, she will be viewed as the more likely victim--and she may feel justified in using a weapon to even the odds. Do you really want to either end up in jprison, dead, or debilitated? That is the trajectory you are on. Since you are the one with the record, too, it will go worse for you.
> 
> I don't think the "refuse to leave" advice is good if it means you will both be in the same house. Leave when she is there, perhaps, and be seen around otherwise. Are kids involved? Do you own the house? If neither of those two things are true, just get out and protect yourself from a sitaution that is likely to turn against you. Good luck, and although I think you are making a mistake when you DON'T lock yourself in the bathroom (who cares if she gets the last word? Run the water loudly), it sounds like you have been trying not to repeat past mistakes--you can take some pride in that, but ultimately, it is not her behavior, it is your CHOICE about how you respond to her behavior, that says whether or not you have really changed.


I'm getting help for me and I am getting out. Of course I will figure out how to get out properly as I own the home and have kids.
I try to just stay out of the house and come back later.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> I'm getting help for me and I am getting out. Of course I will figure out how to get out properly as I own the home and have kids.
> I try to just stay out of the house and come back later.


Does she know that you are leaving or planning to?


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Does she know that you are leaving or planning to?


No and honestly I don't think she'd care or even notice.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Yea you are doing something wrong - being stupid :tool: and letting her egg you on so you will do something so she can have you arrested fool. I am being confrontational to get your attention. 

You can leave the premises and tell her you will be back when she calms down and can have a civil discussion.

Who is the adult here? Why don't you step up to the plate and nix this dangerous dynamic now. You are the one who can do the most damage to her if provoked so don't let her provoke you and you stand the chance of the consequences of your actions. 

Don't be stupid, either divorce or get counseling. I hope you take the initiative to be the adult.

Apropo of Runs post, I'll add you will end up on Cops or Dr. G Medical Examiner.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Yeah looks like she is aiming for you to get locked up. don't engage her. If she gets violent. Call the cops on her.


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

Thank You for your advise and encouragement. I will take them to heart and put them into practice.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Best of luck. You really have to get out of this before it ends badly.

I can not believe you are still there when she stabbed you in the past!!. How do you know she will not do something to you in your sleep. She is capable of extreme violence and it does happen. 

Please, for your protection, get out. If you have kids show them that violence is not tolerable in a relationship. Make sure they will not be subjected to abuse if your wife gets into another relationship. She is likely to get into another relationship and have the same dynamic if she does not get help.

I think you need more help even though you have improved greatly with anger management. You have to examine why you staid in a relationship with a woman who seems determined to kill you or put you in jail. :scratchhead:


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## [email protected] (May 3, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Best of luck. You really have to get out of this before it ends badly.
> 
> I can not believe you are still there when she stabbed you in the past!!. How do you know she will not do something to you in your sleep. She is capable of extreme violence and it does happen.
> 
> ...


Sorry Catherine I think you misunderstood it was my mother who stabbed me when I was young. I was giving FranklinFX an example that women can also hurt men physically in the right circumstance. FranklinFX was say that a women picking a fight with him was like a child picking a fight with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you ever seen the move The War of the Roses? Might help.


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