# What the Heck is LOVE?



## anonmom (Aug 4, 2009)

This is awful and I know it is SO diffeerent for everyone, but I need some answers here. I came on this site to find out more about peoples views on love, and most of what I have found is about sex and complaints of what signifigants others are OR are not doing. 
So here is my story, I will try to keep it short! 

When I got my first pet, I was so happy. I loved that darn dog SO much(I was 18). I took him everywhere with me. Just think about him now makes me smile and my heart race a bit. I know that kind of love.
Years later I had my child. The moment I held him I cried. The love I felt was amazing. He made my heart skip and I felt like if anything ever happened to him I would die. (I was a single mom, my own decision)
My family I feel the same for, I know that kind of love.

Then I met my husband. He is perfect. Funny, smart, gorgeous, sensitive(not too much), and exactly the kind of man I always pictured myself with. He reminds me of my Dad, in some little ways, which seems kind of weird at times, but it just lets me know he is a good man. After all my Dad is a good man. So we have had 6 years of a great relationship. But never in 6 years have I felt that heart racing, butterflies, nervous, crazy overwhelming on the inside feeling. I convinced myself that that feeling was something else. And someday it would come. Six years and nothing. I am happy, I just miss that spark and chemistry. I wish I could even remember back to when we had it, but we never did. Well, he says he felt it, I never did. I just thought it would come to me.
Here is where it is a bit strange. I was engaged before many years ago just after college. And I had all of those feelings. And it was so wonderful and different and had so much spark and chemistry. We were together nearly 3 years when he was killed in a car accident. I miss him everyday still, and always will. (PLEASE, This was years ago, I am not looking for sympathy or tears, just help with my current preoblem!THANKS) 

The problem is, for me, that lack of spark, has made me really not want to kiss him or be with him physically, for me it has been that way since the beginning. He asks then how can I love him, but I feel like I do love him, just with out chemistry. So do I not love him because I don't feel those feelings? We are just now trying counseling but the fighting at bedtime this last year has gotten so bad, I am not sure I can wait for her to help. Any suggestions??


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You are decribing LUST not love with the racing heart and all... 
that is not love.


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## anonmom (Aug 4, 2009)

I know, sorry I am terrible at descibing this, and it kind of all gets a bit mashed together in my head since this whole thing has caused sexual problems with my husband and I. What I mean is, what I feel for my pet, my son, my brothers and sister, mom, dad, that feeling in my heart that I love them. I can not describe it well. It's this over powering want to just hug them when I can, spend time with them every chance I have, and I get excited thinking of the time we share together. To know that when they are gone I miss them like crazy. 
I do miss my husband when he is gone, but it feels different. When we hug I just feel numb, same with when he kisses me and when we have sex. But when we are hanging out he is my best friend, and we have so much fun, and get along. Is that like "IN LOVE" vs "LOVE". I don't know. I suggested a few days to a week apart just to have a breather and sort out my thoughts, he said, "No way, we have to face every obstacle together."


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Love is a feeling and we can change how we feel about people by being more positive about them in our minds. Think about all the wonderful things you do together and how he is with your child... see yourself being attracted to him in that way. You will be surprised how it works. I was not like that with my husband the first few years, but the better he was to me and the more I concentrated on that.. the more the spark was there.

Also.. lust does not make for a lasting relationship. Are willing to give up what you have to another woman? Because if you let him go that is what will happen.

Think about it.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Countless poets have pondered that very question for centuries... 

I don't think there is a definitive answer. While the butterflies sounds more like infatuation, I think you're talking about romantic love. If you've never felt a spark, have never felt like you can't wait till his arms are around you, etc... then you might love your husband platonically.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

to some love is feelings of butterflies and infatuation
as they are immature emotionally.
To others its actions as in patience, kindness that you give to someone.
Everyone will have their own version of what love is according to their beleifs and upbringing. Most of what you see in the world is dysfunctional love... which include envy, jelousy, possessiveness, control, even violence and hate...
You will act and believe according to your own understandings of life. Infatuation is lust and not love but many people marry thinking its love. I suggest you go on a mission to educate yourself of the many beliefs of what love is and ponder it all before you think you know what it is.


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## jdskr88 (Aug 11, 2009)

Dear Anonmom:

What you are asking is really a very good question and one I think we are all a bit confused about in our society. How we define love sets us up for all kinds of expectations in marriage that too often lead to disappointment.

My opinion is that our language is very limited in it's ability to convey what love is. We simply have one word for it. The ancient Greeks on the other hand had several words for different types of love.

They are: Phila, Storge, Thelema, Eros and Agape. Now bear with me. I'm really not trying to be an intellectual snob. I have simply found these discriptions helpful in sorting out the different feelings and ideas you have expressed about love.
These aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. We may experience more that one for the same person.

Phila is the kind of love you have for a friend, which as you described can include your spouse.

Storge is affectionate love like what you might naturally feel for a family member or your child

Eros is passionate love and sensual desire

Thelema means "desire" in ancient and modern Greek. It is the desire to do something, to be occupied. (e.g. I love ice cream or I love my job).

Finally, Agape love is the highest and purest form of love, one that surpasses all other types of affection and is unconditional. This is the kind of love I think people are refering to when they say that love is a verb. It compels us to unselfishly give to others even when we don't feel like it. Whether we knew it or not this is the kind of love we promised to our spouses at the alter - not romantic love like Eros. Agape love is patient, kind, forgiving, long-suffering, quick to apologize and does not keep a list of wrongs.

You may find it helpful to think of the different types of love and apply them to the people and things in your life that you described. More marriages have been destroyed by the notion that a spouse no longer "loves" the other spouse when what they're probably talking about is Eros (infatuation/lust).

I think of Agape love as true love, the love that conquers all, the love that gives, the love that God has for us and the way we should love our spouses.


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## gabejoel (Jul 8, 2009)

You do love him, but there is a difference between loving someone and being in love.The sparks are usually there when you are in love.My hubby still gives me a funny feeling in my gut when i think about him or see him.Lust - is also part of love...separting feelings is not how it should be...when you love someone deeply all the feelings come together as a whole.You have to ask yourself and him alot of hard questions...you found out what or why you feel the way you do.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your husband is a minor player in your drama

he deserves better

he deserves a woman who thinks of him first second and last.


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## anonmom (Aug 4, 2009)

Thanks jdskr88--Made sense. Gives me something to think about definetly. 

Thanks everybody, I know it's a bit of a broad topic, and hard to answer, but I am enjoying reading everyones answers!


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## Venus Willynoad (Aug 14, 2009)

Love is a very hard subject to explain and there are no real answers as it means something different to each one of us.
I believe there are varying degrees and types of love. The love you feel for a child is normally quite different to the love you feel for your best friend - and even your Parents. 
The butterfly feeling for a partner normally wears off after a certain period of time for most people - and if you have that feeling still after say being in a relationship for 10+ years, then you are very lucky!  I think the 'in love' feelings are what you feel for someone at the start of relationship. As the relationship continues, your love for each other changes. I love my hubby very much - but I'm not 'in love' with him. 
I hope this post makes sense.


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## deejay (Aug 14, 2009)

Love is never having to question it !!! no?


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## Venus Willynoad (Aug 14, 2009)

deejay said:


> Love is never having to question it !!! no?


That's a very good answer! :smthumbup:


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