# he can't remember why he loved me



## hoping4thebest (Jun 1, 2010)

It's been a rocky few weeks. My husband of 5 years (been together 9) started going to therapy for himself, but it turns out he really wanted marriage counseling because for years he's been questioning our marriage. He loves me but feels we've become more of roommates. I should also mention I am pregnant. He doesn't want to hurt me and wants to be there for our baby, but he is very unhappy. 

I admit that I have not been the perfect wife. I have felt us growing apart and I would like to change many things about myself, but none of this seems to be enough because he is stuck in the past. He wants to go all the way back to the beginning and says that he feels like we moved too fast living together and that he can't remember a time when we were passionately in love. He can't even make a list of reasons why he is or was in love with me. He so stuck on these concerns from the past with how our relationship began. I think that much of how I've acted (really I have been negative, selfish, rude to him at times and never took his last name - i'm sure everyone is thinking that's a subconscious sign, but also I've been very supportive and loving too) has jaded things to the point he can't remember good times. 

He suggested counseling and he wants to work on our marriage, BUT the more I talk with him the more he admits that he just doesn't know if he was ever in love with me so he doesn't know if he can get that back. I have felt our relationship being stuck in a rut for a long time now too, but i am positive we can do things to pull ourselves out of it, but he can't be that positive because he feels like we never connected deeply on the level he always thought he would in a marriage. All the online advice I read and books I read says that most couples go through a period where they lose that loving feeling in a way, but it can be relearned or found again...I want him to want to work on that. He's in such a depressive state about this that no conversations wind up with us feeling good because he just keeps going back to the one thing I can't do anything about.

It's just hard being 31 with child living away from family with a man you love more than anything who on one hand says he wants to try but his words and actions speak otherwise...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing I would do is check his phone records and internet access to see if there's a phone number he's calling/texting a lot, or an online person he's contacting. I say this because, if he IS cheating - and it happens a LOT to men when their wives get pregnant - then you have to address the cheating first; that's because if he's into someone else, you can throw a TON of 'fixing' your marriage at him and it won't matter one bit - he's got someone else meeting his needs now.

Now, if you check for a couple weeks, and find nothing, THEN we can show you all kinds of things to fix your marriage.


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## hoping4thebest (Jun 1, 2010)

More Info:
I will admit that we've grown apart over the years and become comfortable with each other almost like roommates. There was romantic passion but we met and moved in together quickly then moved away from family and friends to another state (like 16 hours away). Life's stresses, etc made us lose the romance quickly, but it was still there just maybe not the way it is for others.

He and I have talked about the cheating. He reconnected with a girl online that he knew back when he and I met. They were friends but there was potential for more, then he met me and boom. She is,of course, in an unhappy marriage with a 4 year old boy. She lives back closer to home 16 hours away, so physically cheating no, but talking online and playing that what if game yes. I looked on his cell phone records and there are about 4 calls to her or from her. He admitted to talking with her online, then he felt like it wasn't going to help us so he cut it off. He was honest about it with his therapist and finally opened up to me before I went for my first session with her. Next week we go together for the first time. There haven't been any more phone calls and he is honest so I believe that they haven't still been talking on Facebook. I can see his computer and have been eying it a bit more but not obsessively.

I can say that 4 years ago I really started to notice that we weren't as happy or connected but I think a lot of my shortcomings were things he tried to ignore then drove us apart. He admitted that he'd just give in to arguments before they happened and concede to anything I said or wanted. We never really "fought" but he says now that it's been building. He got diagnosed with an illness a few years ago and it brought us closer together because he saw how unselfish I could be but it also set him into depression - job, marriage, etc, but the marriage is the biggest thing he's stuck on that is making him unhappy because if he's honest with himself he's felt the disconnect for so many years. Now he's questioning if there ever was a solid enough connection to really sustain or if it was just out of comfort. He loves me. He still seems attracted to me, but he's always had more of a sex drive than me which was another wedge. He says he doesn't even know who he is anymore and he's just so unhappy. 

I agree there are things I want to work on about myself that I don't like how I've become, but there's no way for me make him remember the good times with us. He says he can't remember us having deep long conversations or just throwing ourselves so into love that the world didn't matter. We got comfortable too fast and never spent enough time getting to know each other. If he doesn't feel in love with me, then I'm just not sure what I can do to change his mind - really I can't. I've already starting acting like a more loving wife - we watched Fireproof the movie and I got The Love Dare, but I'm hitting a point where the things it wants me to do make him feel like I'm being clingy or needy which isn't helping. I keep wanting to try date nights or going out and doing fun things together, but it's not really working. He feels like we don't connect and don't talk on a deep level, and lately I suppose we haven't but we used to laugh and talk tons. He just doesn't remember. I try to get conversations started but he's not responding to them so much.

I think even in his sleep he's pulling himself away - not just awake - he doesn't cuddle anymore or ever want to touch me. He wants to step back from sex because he doesn't want pure attraction or sex drive to cloud his thoughts or to give me false hope. The therapist and I agree, I think, that this is part of our relationship and I am afraid leaving it behind will only continue to disconnect him more from me.

A few weeks ago I had no idea things were this bad...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you are SURE they are not still in contact (and sorry, but I think he's just hiding it better), then the next thing I would do is address his depression. Medically.


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