# Devastated and Confused



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

Let me start from the beginning. My husband and I were married 35 years ago. Our courtship was a constant revolving door of him dumping me to be with other women. Why did I marry him after all that? Well, I loved him and his “excuse” was that his first wife cheated on him with his best friend and that was driving his behavior. He loved me and wouldn’t do it again.
A few years into the marriage I found out he had a short lived affair. At this time we had two small children and I told him I was moving with the kids to be closer to my family and he could either join us or not, I didn’t care at that point.
He chose to join us and being around my parents allowed our marriage to heal and thrive. We had been going along perfectly (never fighting, always loving) for the next 30+ years.
In September of this year he traveled to his home state to attend his 40 year high school reunion. He came back home and I noticed he was a bit distant. I finally questioned him about it and he told me he wasn’t happy in our marriage. Bam - what a shock. Admittedly for the past few years I had been feeling very negative about my body and didn’t enjoy being naked in front of him. So, we had gone well over a year without having sex. So when he said he wasn’t happy I knew part of it was because of my issues and not showing him affection and intimacy.
However, I also knew there was more to him pulling away and discovered he had been chatting with a woman he reconnected with at his reunion. He had taken her to lunch and apparently my husband told her all about his marriage woes (of which I was clueless). He confided in her but swore nothing physical happened. I saw their texts (nothing intimate) but I also knew he had an attraction to her. I asked him to cease all contact with her. He resisted at first, but eventually deleted her information and we began to work on our marriage. We became intimate often, used communication cards to spark honest conversations and were on the right track. In late October we celebrated our 35th anniversary.
A month later, my mother in law passed away and we headed to his hometown. While there, we had lunch with one of his friends and he suggested the same restaurant he took that woman to. He didn’t know I knew (bank receipts told me which restaurant) and the whole time at the restaurant he pretended he had never been there before. At the end of the meal, we took some pictures with the friend and were on our way.
The next day I found a text where he sent a message to that woman and said “guess where I was” and then sent a picture - but it was a picture of him and his friend. He did not send the picture that included all three of us.
Obviously I was upset so I started looking through phone records to see if he had been talking or her behind my back. I found a few phone calls, nothing significant. However, I found 10 pages of texts (starting mid October) to one specific number over and over. In November there were two more phone numbers that had consistent activity. I was sure his phone had been hacked, so when I innocently asked if he knew what was going on he admitted he had been having dirty sex chats with porn sites. I looked back at the phone records and it started a couple weeks before our anniversary and it was every day. So he admitted to that and said he wanted everything on the table because he didn’t want anymore shoes to drop.
Since we got back from his mother’s funeral and all this hit the fan he has been very remorseful and crying a lot for how bad he feels because he hurt me. So, we’ve got some stuff to work through and I thought this was the worst of it. I reasoned I would rather have him chatting with strangers than having a physical and emotional affair with someone.
But, tonight I was innocently looking at his email trying to reset a password for one of our accounts when I came across a series of emails where he was setting up a 6 hour session with an escort/prostitute/hooker. He wanted it to be from 9am to 3 pm (so he could pretend he was at work) and he sent $300 Western Union to them. Of course he said it had to be discreet because he was married. They asked for more money so he sent another $250 then told them the specific motel he wanted to be at. When did all this occur? Well, it started 2 weeks after we celebrated our 35th anniversary. He carried on this conversation trying to get this set up for a total of 15 days before he realized he was scammed.
I’m blown away that during the time where I thought we were making strides and rebuilding the stressed and bent portions of our marriage, he was planning behind my back to pretend to go to work but really have an all day session with a hooker.
I’m devastated and at a total loss. I’m struggling how to ever heal from this. We were good and strong for over 30 years and I’m struggling to even process how we got here and where I go from here.
Is this even forgivable?


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Sorry your here...I think it's time to see a divorce attorney. Your husband is not happy and that not going to change. Do you always want to have to look over your shoulder wondering where he is and what he's doing ? 

Just think how much you don't know... I would get checked for std/sti's...Sounds like is not going to stop or has already slept with others.

Don't be a door matt...


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's forgiveable, but that doesn't mean you should stay. He has a pattern of unfaithfulness and betrayal that started before you even married, and to be honest it's unlikely it will stop after all this time.
You can choose to stay and accept that this is how he is, or you can choose to leave and be free of all this cheating, lying and deception. It's likely there is more you don't know about as well. 
Personally I couldn't live with a man who treated me so badly.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> Let me start from the beginning. My husband and I were married 35 years ago. Our courtship was a constant revolving door of him dumping me to be with other women. Why did I marry him after all that? Well, I loved him and his “excuse” was that his first wife cheated on him with his best friend and that was driving his behavior. He loved me and wouldn’t do it again.
> A few years into the marriage I found out he had a short lived affair. At this time we had two small children and I told him I was moving with the kids to be closer to my family and he could either join us or not, I didn’t care at that point.
> He chose to join us and being around my parents allowed our marriage to heal and thrive. We had been going along perfectly (never fighting, always loving) for the next 30+ years.
> In September of this year he traveled to his home state to attend his 40 year high school reunion. He came back home and I noticed he was a bit distant. I finally questioned him about it and he told me he wasn’t happy in our marriage. Bam - what a shock. Admittedly for the past few years I had been feeling very negative about my body and didn’t enjoy being naked in front of him. So, we had gone well over a year without having sex. So when he said he wasn’t happy I knew part of it was because of my issues and not showing him affection and intimacy.
> ...


This is a complicated situation.
I assume both you and your husband are middle aged.
You don`t get undressed in front of your husband and no s*x for a year, which means there is no intimacy between you and your husband, your choice not his.
Your husband is s*xually frustrated and has been in a celibate marriage for the last year with no indications this will change at any time soon.
So your husband is finding solace by chatting with other women, s*x chatting and hiring the services of prostitutes.
I can only see three options:
1. You continue on as present and let your husband go with prostitutes.
2. Visit a therapist and try to find a way whereas you can feel more confident about yourself and be intimate with your husband again, including a reasonable s*x life with him.
3. Divorce.
In normal circumstances I would say; a husband going with prostitutes is totally unacceptable and is grounds for divorce, but as I said, this is complicated.
I do strongly suggest you see a theorist and both go for marriage counseling in order to try and save your relationship and live a happy marriage, which is my answer to your questions.
Think about it.


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> This is a complicated situation.
> I assume both you and your husband are middle aged.
> You don`t get undressed in front of your husband and no s*x for a year, which means there is no intimacy between you and your husband, your choice not his.
> 2..Visit a therapist and try to find a way whereas you can feel more confident about yourself and be intimate with your husband again, including a reasonably s*x life with him.


yes, middle aged. I completely take accountability for the fact he was most likely s*xually frustrated. However, he did not seek out porn chat sites or prostitutes until AFTER he told me he was unhappy and we began to work on the issues. Late sept he told me he needed more and I realized what I was doing and immediately started changing my ways. We began to be intimate 2 to 3 times a week. Then in mid October, about a month after we were regularly having s*x is when he began to seek porn chat sites and then ultimately this prostitute. 
So, obviously this makes me feel like I was not satisfying him in the bedroom, which is just another blow to my self esteem.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Well - your husband got










Apparently his boundaries need adjustment and his common sense with regard to "paying for services" need some adjustment too. "Pay up front" is a very common scam - around where I live most common is home repair.

Working on your person (appearance or ??) is one thing - but not an excuse for him to put you and himself at risk for STDs. And - sex for hire is just a barren desert emotionally - get him a male sex toy so he can give himself orgasms.

Can you survive this? Yes but - you both need to work on yourselves. For your husband - send him back to Sunday School to learn how to behave and treat people. 

He is, sort of, telling you he is unhappy with his sex life and attraction to you. It will take both of you working together to sort out the issues keeping you and him from sharing the same attitudes and behavior regarding being a faithful partner.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I would say marriage counselling is a must , but only if both are will to go and willing to talk ,and everything in open and on the table ,

you husband had an affair in the early years , I think even though you managed to get past this , it was the elephant in the room , 

both have grown apart but your comfortable together , you have become companions or room mates , 

if both want to keep this together both will have to be a dame more honest to each other ,

it is not my call but for me I would be thinking of divorce ,


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> yes, middle aged. I completely take accountability for the fact he was most likely s*xually frustrated. However, he did not seek out porn chat sites or prostitutes until AFTER he told me he was unhappy and we began to work on the issues. Late sept he told me he needed more and I realized what I was doing and immediately started changing my ways. We began to be intimate 2 to 3 times a week. Then in mid October, about a month after we were regularly having s*x is when he began to seek porn chat sites and then ultimately this prostitute.
> So, obviously this makes me feel like I was not satisfying him in the bedroom, which is just another blow to my self esteem.


Definitely try marriage councilling, at least that will be a beginning and according to how that progresses you can decide your way forward from there.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> Late sept he told me he needed more and I realized what I was doing and immediately started changing my ways. We began to be intimate 2 to 3 times a week. Then in mid October, about a month after we were regularly having s*x is when he began to seek porn chat sites and then ultimately this prostitute.
> So, obviously this makes me feel like I was not satisfying him in the bedroom, which is just another blow to my self esteem.


I'm going to be blunt.

You let your body issues destroy the intimacy in your marriage. The bond weakened. When you finally re-established sex it likely felt wrong to him, different, I wish I had the words to describe that feeling. And that is when he internally knew, whether he wants to consciously admit it or not, that it's over. As-is, anyways. The question is can it be salvaged? If you're both committed to trying, seek counseling, and be brutally honest with yourselves and each other, maybe. Otherwise, just stick a fork in it and call a lawyer.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Going without sex for over a year when you were physically able to have sex certainly caused him to look and probably go elsewhere. He was already doing that before you cut him off. You made it easy for him to further disconnect from the marriage. It’s very unlikely that you can ever trust him to be faithful to you. In many ways, he has already moved on.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> Let me start from the beginning. My husband and I were married 35 years ago. Our courtship was a constant revolving door of him dumping me to be with other women. Why did I marry him after all that? Well, I loved him and his “excuse” was that his first wife cheated on him with his best friend and that was driving his behavior. He loved me and wouldn’t do it again.
> A few years into the marriage I found out he had a short lived affair. At this time we had two small children and I told him I was moving with the kids to be closer to my family and he could either join us or not, I didn’t care at that point.
> He chose to join us and being around my parents allowed our marriage to heal and thrive. We had been going along perfectly (never fighting, always loving) for the next 30+ years.
> In September of this year he traveled to his home state to attend his 40 year high school reunion. He came back home and I noticed he was a bit distant. I finally questioned him about it and he told me he wasn’t happy in our marriage. Bam - what a shock. Admittedly for the past few years I had been feeling very negative about my body and didn’t enjoy being naked in front of him. So, we had gone well over a year without having sex. So when he said he wasn’t happy I knew part of it was because of my issues and not showing him affection and intimacy.
> ...


I think the best way to heal is to leave. I mean how many more years of your life do you want to waste on this? It's clearly a pattern with him. He cries his crocodile tears, you go back and forgive, and the cycle starts again. I'm not saying what you did was wrong, what I am saying is he isn't a mature honest man. He's a teenager. You have proof that he was going to hire an escort. Even if it was a scam, he sent money, and was ready to go. Does he know you know about the escort?

Also, if you don't want to leave, I would suggest you live your own separate lives, kind of like roomates.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Deleted post. Never mind.


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm going to be blunt.
> 
> You let your body issues destroy the intimacy in your marriage. The bond weakened. When you finally re-established sex it likely felt wrong to him, different,


Yes, I let my body issues impact my marriage because I knew my husband was not attracted to me. It’s hard to be intimate when you sense your husband isn’t attracted to your body. After 35 years I feel it should matter more what’s on the inside than what I look like on the outside. But maybe a man thinks differently.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

..


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> Does he know you know about the escort?


Yes. He just sat there stunned while I read the emails I found describing the entire transaction. From him specifying he wanted an all day session with her (but it had to be on a weekday so he could pretend he was at work), to him saying, he needed to be discreet because he was married, to him sending money via Western Union, then the “handler” asking for more money and him sending it, to him describing that he wanted her to do everything and finally him providing the hotel location where he wanted this all day marathon to happen. 
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to unsee those emails. The timing of all this especially hurts because he did all this behind my back when we were in a place where we were actively working on fixing what was wrong in our marriage.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I'm sorry you find yourself here for this reason. 

You will never forget what he has done. You also can't ever trust a word he says. He has a proven track record of lying to you when ever it suits him. He is a serial cheater and odds are you have only scratched the surface of what he has done. He dumped you regularly for other women before marriage, he had a known affair, inappropriate interaction with his school friend, chatting up porn/sex workers, and had every intention to score an escort. And in that last incident he also committed financial infidelity by get scammed. 

You didn't do yourself or your marriage any favors by withholding sex for a year, but that isn't an excuse for cheating and in reality it just exposed a deep seated character flaw in your husband. He is a liar and a philanderer. This is the reality of who you are married to and living with. Knowing that only he can fix himself, do you believe he is capable of changing? What do you want to do at this point?


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Knowing that only he can fix himself, do you believe he is capable of changing? What do you want to do at this point?


He changed for 30 years. We had a rocky start but for 30 years we lived a very solid, uneventful life filled with lots of love. He didn’t take mysterious trips, we were together all the time, he wasn’t doing anything on the side. For 30 years. Then all of a sudden this. He absolutely hates his job, and he also has been extremely adamant that he does not want to grow old. I think he’s going through a midlife crisis. I’m not making excuses for him, but this isn’t the typical behavior I’ve seen over the last 30 years. So I don’t know if his job and his fear of aging has any bearing on his abhorrent and utterly disrespectful behavior lately. 

So can he change? I believe he’s proven he can. He stayed the straight and narrow path for a long time. He started counseling last week (his idea) but I also feel a once a week session isn’t enough. But I’m not a counselor, so I’ll let them figure out ways to hold him accountable throughout the week. 

What do I want to do? I don’t know. The discovery of the prostitute happened less than 24 hours ago, and I’m still reeling with disbelief. It’s hard to imagine dissolving 35 years of marriage. And, of course, I’m very scared of starting a new life all on my own. But, can I forgive him? Can I ever forget? I just don’t know the answer. It’s so fresh and raw and I’m just so devastated.


----------



## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m of the mindset that this is not even remotely forgivable. While telling you he’s working on the marriage he’s sending $850 to a hooker??? How can that be forgivable? I think (I have no experience with this) having an affair and then being completely remorseful can potentially be forgivable depending on the circumstances, but I think this is just the tip of the iceberg. Good grief. A HOOKER. No way this was his first rodeo. No way at all. Personally, I couldn’t even look at him after this. He’s had NO problem lying to you, repeatedly, and planning to screw a hooker, while being intimate with you, but here you are kinda feeling sorry for him and making excuses. While I’m sure you’re heartbroken, you should be livid, and you don’t seem to be. So I think you’re in for more of the same once he realizes he can just con you into forgiving him.


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> While I’m sure you’re heartbroken, you should be livid, and you don’t seem to be. So I think you’re in for more of the same once he realizes he can just con you into forgiving him.


Oh, I’m very, very livid. Words can’t even describe how angry I am at him. And he’s well aware of that anger as I pretty much screamed in his face last night that I hated him and I didn’t want him around me.
I just have a plethora of emotions I’m trying to sift through.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> Oh, I’m very, very livid. Words can’t even describe how angry I am at him. And he’s well aware of that anger as I pretty much screamed in his face last night that I hated him and I didn’t want him around me.
> I just have a plethora of emotions I’m trying to sift through.


It may help you to have a time apart so you can think and decide what you want to do. 
I doubt I could trust again after that, and while it's hard to start again many do and are happy.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> He changed for 30 years. We had a rocky start but for 30 years we lived a very solid, uneventful life filled with lots of love. He didn’t take mysterious trips, we were together all the time, he wasn’t doing anything on the side. For 30 years. Then all of a sudden this. He absolutely hates his job, and he also has been extremely adamant that he does not want to grow old. I think he’s going through a midlife crisis. I’m not making excuses for him, but this isn’t the typical behavior I’ve seen over the last 30 years. So I don’t know if his job and his fear of aging has any bearing on his abhorrent and utterly disrespectful behavior lately.
> 
> So can he change? I believe he’s proven he can. He stayed the straight and narrow path for a long time. He started counseling last week (his idea) but I also feel a once a week session isn’t enough. But I’m not a counselor, so I’ll let them figure out ways to hold him accountable throughout the week.
> 
> What do I want to do? I don’t know. The discovery of the prostitute happened less than 24 hours ago, and I’m still reeling with disbelief. It’s hard to imagine dissolving 35 years of marriage. And, of course, I’m very scared of starting a new life all on my own. But, can I forgive him? Can I ever forget? I just don’t know the answer. It’s so fresh and raw and I’m just so devastated.


He wanted to have sex with a stranger who screws nasty men. He went after that rather than you. He spent hundreds of dollars and lied. Not a lot to like there


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s done stuff like this before. You’re deluding yourself.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I say give marriage counseling a try, but you do already know that you can seem to be on a happier path but then find out he's just lying. You did your work and got back in the saddle. Now it's time to see if he is willing to do his work and own everything he's done all these years that would cause you to be distrustful and feel resentment.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You mention he was not like this for 30 years, yet you also say there was a revolving door of women as well as an affair. So it’s hard to unpack this. 

When you very honestly look at these two opposing statements, it appears you are accepting all of the blame on yourself for a very temporary episode of your lack of desire for sex. (A few years out of 30). 

In long term marriages there are sometimes temporary changes in the frequency or quality of sex. On both sides. Were there periods where you too were dissatisfied with your sex life?

So be honest with yourself, is this really new behaviour, or is it actually a pattern? 

How have you reacted during those decades when you had periods of feeling unwanted as well?

Sometimes these things can shock us into seeing our flaws and making changes, this is a good thing. But look also to how he has failed you? And then work from there? Counselling could be beneficial if it’s at his suggestion. I would look for signs of responsibility here and action, rather than the tears. For example, him taking the initiative to actually book an appointment and following through. Rather than you suggesting it, or making the phone calls or doing any research


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It may help you to have a time apart so you can think and decide what you want to do.


I agree. I think we need a bit of time apart.


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I say give marriage counseling a try, but you do already know that you can seem to be on a happier path but then find out he's just lying. You did your work and got back in the saddle. Now it's time to see if he is willing to do his work and own everything he's done all these years that would cause you to be distrustful and feel resentment.


Regardless of whether or not we stay together, counseling is definitely something we both need. He just had his second visit with a counselor and I need to set something up this week. I have a lot of hurt and betrayed feelings I need to work through.


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> You mention he was not like this for 30 years, yet you also say there was a revolving door of women as well as an affair. So it’s hard to unpack this.


There was a revolving door or women prior to getting married. I was young and naive and thought if we just got married that would all stop. We had two kids immediately and within the first few years of marriage he had one short lived affair. He got caught, we went to counseling, we actually moved to a different state and rebuilt our life surrounded by a family who loved us. 
For the next 30 years we raised a family and had a happy and loving home. No issues with other women, nothing that was even a hint of mistrust.
Then three months ago he went off the rails. Why?? What happened to trigger this behavior? That’s what I want to know and right now all he can say is he doesn’t know, but he’s trying to figure this out with the help of a counselor.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Broken-hearted35 said:


> There was a revolving door or women prior to getting married. I was young and naive and thought if we just got married that would all stop. We had two kids immediately and within the first few years of marriage he had one short lived affair. He got caught, we went to counseling, we actually moved to a different state and rebuilt our life surrounded by a family who loved us.
> For the next 30 years we raised a family and had a happy and loving home. No issues with other women, nothing that was even a hint of mistrust.
> Then three months ago he went off the rails. Why?? What happened to trigger this behavior? That’s what I want to know and right now all he can say is he doesn’t know, but he’s trying to figure this out with the help of a counselor.


Ok so the 3 months probably coincided with the years of no sex. Workable in counselling


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> it appears you are accepting all of the blame on yourself for a very temporary episode of your lack of desire for sex. (A few years out of 30).
> 
> In long term marriages there are sometimes temporary changes in the frequency or quality of sex. On both sides. Were there periods where you too were dissatisfied with your sex life?


I suppose to some extent I am partially blaming myself. In another post someone suggested it was my fault because I withheld critical intimacy in our marriage. 
Honestly, sex has never been something I’ve craved. Long, deep conversations are my form of intimacy. So sex has always been something that’s enjoyable but something I can also skip and be just fine. I realize it’s usually not the same for a man. So, upon reflection of the last year or so I do feel I didn’t give him something critical he needed. 
However, regardless of my actions, I am shocked and appalled at his betrayal and am at a bit of a loss right now on what feelings to work through first. My feelings and emotions are all over the place.


----------



## Broken-hearted35 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Sometimes these things can shock us into seeing our flaws and making changes, this is a good thing. But look also to how he has failed you? And then work from there? Counselling could be beneficial if it’s at his suggestion. I would look for signs of responsibility here and action, rather than the tears. For example, him taking the initiative to actually book an appointment and following through. Rather than you suggesting it, or making the phone calls or doing any research


A few weeks ago he took the initiative to reach out to a friend who had insight on marriage counselors. That friend suggested a few people, and last week my husband made an appointment and had his first meeting with one of the counselors. I didn’t push, I didn’t suggest. He took these steps on his own. 

During his first session he said he shared some things, but due to time wasn’t able to get into all of it.

Then over the weekend I uncovered this betrayal and yesterday was actually his second appointment. He said he was honest about everything and they will be meeting two times a week.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Maybe set a time, say 3 months, and ask him not to contact you. Personally I never understand why cheaters go to counseling after they are found out, except to try and get the BS to have them back.
The fact is that cheaters have low moral values and not much integrity and no amount of counselling will change that.

I would also want him to take a lie detector test about the years you claim he didnt cheat.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Broken-hearted35 said:



Since we got back from his mother’s funeral and all this hit the fan he has been very remorseful and crying a lot for how bad he feels because he hurt me.

Click to expand...

*Yeah. They pretty much ALL do that - when they're caught. Isn't it amazing how 'remorseful' they are for your pain only AFTER they're caught? I swear, it's a Christmas miracle.

Now let's be HONEST here - you already KNEW he was a cheater because he cheated on you early in the marriage when you had 2 young kids and nowhere to go, so you chose to stay with him. You can sugarcoat it all you want and claim that HE "followed you to your mother's house" but you *stayed* with him, so own it.

Your first mistake is assuming he's been a CHOIR BOY these last 30 years after you found out about his affair 30 years ago. Highly, HIGHLY unlikely. That was simply the first time you CAUGHT him, is all.

*



I’m blown away that during the time where I thought we were making strides and rebuilding the stressed and bent portions of our marriage, he was planning behind my back to pretend to go to work but really have an all day session with a hooker.

Click to expand...

*Yeah, this is what most of them do after their phony show of "remorse." They just *continue* doing what they've always done - cheating - and work harder at keeping it a secret from you, is all. I'm sure you got a phony show of "remorse" 30 years ago when you caught him the first time. I think you're being HORRIBLY naive to assume this guy has been some kind of a saint for 30 years and then all of a sudden, he "changed." Not likely. He's been a cheater RIGHT from the start, and you know it. You just don't want to believe it.

*



I’m devastated and at a total loss. I’m struggling how to ever heal from this. We were good and strong for over 30 years and I’m struggling to even process how we got here and where I go from here. Is this even forgivable?

Click to expand...

*OP, you're deluding yourself with this "things were perfect for 30 years" mantra you keep repeating. Sorry, but you wouldn't be the first woman to find out her husband has had a whole secret life she never knew anything about for years and years.

Stop being naive, OP. Naivete is only going to get the rug pulled RIGHT out from underneath you.

Can you imagine what you would have found had you been *DILIGENT* these past 30 years and checked up on him instead of telling yourself how perfect your marriage was? He didn't "change" suddenly. You've just become more diligent and _*look *_at the crap you're finding now that you ARE.

You've only seen the tip of the iceberg with this serial cheater. That's a PROMISE.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Diana7 said:



Maybe set a time, say 3 months, and ask him not to contact you. Personally I never understand why cheaters go to counseling after they are found out, except to try and get the BS to have them back. The fact is that cheaters have low moral values and not much integrity and no amount of counselling will change that.

Click to expand...

*Yeah. I agree 100% with you. He's a serial cheater and serial cheaters really don't get "cured." And it's true - a lot of cheaters throw out that desperate bone to their betrayed spouse, "I'll go to therapy!" as though it's some deep, dark maniacal force that "made" them cheat.

Truth is, it's usually just an itchy d*ck and a desire for sexual variety - and because it's exciting and fun for them and THAT'S why they do it. But some quack therapist will pull some lame-ass excuse out of the air for their cheating, such as, "he was neglected in his childhood" or, "he was bullied in his formative years." or some other nonsense reason that is magically to _blame_ for that itchy appendage and his lust for some other woman he finds sexually attractive. Sure it is. 😒😒

The guy is a serial cheater. I'll bet my house on it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah. I agree 100% with you. He's a serial cheater and serial cheaters really don't get "cured." And it's true - a lot of cheaters throw out that desperate bone to their betrayed spouse, "I'll go to therapy!" as though it's some deep, dark maniacal force that "made" them cheat.
> 
> Truth is, it's usually just an itchy d*ck and a desire for sexual variety - and because it's exciting and fun for them and THAT'S why they do it. But some quack therapist will pull some lame-ass excuse out of the air for their cheating, such as, "he was neglected in his childhood" or, "he was bullied in his formative years." or some other nonsense reason that is magically to _blame_ for that itchy appendage and his lust for some other woman he finds sexually attractive. Sure it is. 😒😒
> 
> The guy is a serial cheater. I'll bet my house on it.


Yes, that's why I suggested a lie detector test. I will eat my hat if he has been faithful for those 30 years.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yeah. They pretty much ALL do that - when they're caught. Isn't it amazing how 'remorseful' they are for your pain only AFTER they're caught? I swear, it's a Christmas miracle.
> 
> Now let's be HONEST here - you already KNEW he was a cheater because he cheated on you early in the marriage when you had 2 young kids and nowhere to go, so you chose to stay with him. You can sugarcoat it all you want and claim that HE "followed you to your mother's house" but you *stayed* with him, so own it.
> 
> ...


Generally agree with most of this. I find it hard to believe he was a good boy for 30 years between an affair sandwich.

Perhaps he didn't want to "cheat" and felt a prostitute wasn't really cheating but rather a necessary transaction to take care of himself. I don't know. Oddly, in some ways it's better it wasn't some bond he was forming. But also, it's just flat out more dangerous, from a health and legal perspective.

But he's clearly got this in him, and I'd be surprised if he went 30 years being faithful. He just successfully hid his flings.

He'll never admit this though. Ever. And with no proof, there likely isn't a point pursuing it. I'd just keep it in your head that this is a likely scenario.


----------

