# some facts in an affair



## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm a betrayed & cheating spouse. My H cheated on me having an EA 3 years ago and then a PA some months ago. As for myself, I have a EA with a single guy. My husband had stopped his A but I'm still thinking of the other man.

I was in a forum discussion about affairs looking for some tips since the single guys had shown me his interests in experiencing each other in bed. But we didn't make it...yet.

After a month or two, I got to know how people do it, sneaking out to have fun without leaving any traces.
I had read stories shared by cheating spouses. Some stories are amazing. There are some facts that loyal spouses might not believe but you want to take those facts into considerations when coping with infidelity.

1. Not much guilts. Cheating spouses do feel sorry and guilty but it's not strong enough to stop.
Some of them don't feel sorry at all.
2. Once getting caught, they go underground & continue to date.
3. Sex is amazing, mind blowing and hot.
4. Emotionally attached & in love with each other.
5. Breaking up a discreet relationship by force is a mission impossible.
6. Incredible skills of sneaking out & intelligent ways of communication.
And more. Some ppl have no ideas that their spouses have been cheating for many year.

Do you know those facts?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

1. Not much guilts. Cheating spouses do feel sorry and guilty but it's not strong enough to stop.
Some of them don't feel sorry at all.

*They stop A after getting caught or after being dumped by AP. *
2. Once getting caught, they go underground & continue to date.
*
Not in all cases. Some WS do have genuine remorse and stop the A.*

3. Sex is amazing, mind blowing and hot.

*Sometimes, sex is either diminished or absent. The sign is the varied behaviour of WS.*

4. Emotionally attached & in love with each other.

*With who?*

5. Breaking up a discreet relationship by force is a mission impossible.
*
I dont know. When there is guilt and genuine remorse, the A breaks.*

6. Incredible skills of sneaking out & intelligent ways of communication.

*With AP or BS?*

And more. Some ppl have no ideas that their spouses have been cheating for many year.

*but signs are and were there.*

Do you know those facts? 

?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

> 1. Not much guilts. Cheating spouses do feel sorry and guilty but it's not strong enough to stop.
> 
> 
> Some of them don't feel sorry at all.


This is pretty obvious from the number of people who continue the affair for as long as it is secret.



> 2. Once getting caught, they go underground & continue to date.


This is why here on TAM complete transparency of the WW is required before any R is considered.



> 3. Sex is amazing, mind blowing and hot.


So I have heard..



> 4. Emotionally attached & in love with each other.


Intensity should not be confused with intimacy.



> 5. Breaking up a discreet relationship by force is a mission impossible.


Which is why we recommend that the BS expose the fck out of it. It is no longer discreet. 



> 6. Incredible skills of sneaking out & intelligent ways of communication.


We are not as dumb as you think! People think they are smart ,they invariably slip up eventually or somebody exposes the affair.


> And more. Some ppl have no ideas that their spouses have been cheating for many year.


You are quiet right. Some carry it on under the noses of their spouse. Denial is a powerful thing.



> Do you know those facts?


Er yes..


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

I think you might want to take a peek at the affair forum. It is hard to describe unless you have read the stories with your own eyes.

I simply wanted to share some facts that i observed. No offence intended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

I would like to paste a comment about views from a disloyal spouse: 
(So you know how they view loyal spouses)

I do lurk on betrayed boards too sometimes. I am really surprised at several things: 1 -betrayed spouses really hate affair parters (APs) , call them so many horrible names (*****s etc.) and wish them painful death, while they still "love" their spouses. They blameshift APs 90%, spouses are just a little guilty. I acctually joined one board just to tell them that the affair is 100% spouse's choice and a conscience decision they (we) make everyday. 2 -they believe their spouses are sooo remorseful and disgusted by the affair and themselves. I mean -if it would digust us, we wouldn't be doing it, right? 3 -none of them accepts any responsibility for the affair. They are the most wonderful spouses themselves that ever walked on this earth. Hmmm -why do we cheat on them if they are so wonderful to us? 4 -they are so shocked when they find out the affair didn't end, but went underground. There's no excuse for naivity the second time. 5 -they believe their spouses when they say that there was no sex or that sex was bad. I just have to laugh at that. 6 -none of them believes that their spouse actually loved (loves) AP even when they find texts or e-mails saying "I love you" and even if it was long-term affair. 7 -they only focus on "hard evidence" and not at all on feelings, emotions and reasons for their spouses straying. and many more ..... I acctually don't have much symphaty for betrayed spouses. Because they just don't want to see a bigger picture and they don't want to take any part of the blame. In their minds there is only one truth: APs are devils who seduced their weak spouses and their mission is just to prove them how horrible they are, and many of them are very cruel in doing that. And I am saying all this as a betrayed wife myself. When my H had a long-term affair, I needed no physical evidence, I didn't even look for them. I knew in my heart that H has developed strong feelings for another woman, that he loved her, so much that he couldn't have sex with me for 4 years. And as much as it hurt me I still knew exactly that I carry my half of the blaim for my H straying. We had marrital problems and it was not all his fault. I only felt sad because I thought he could try a little bit more and longer before he cheated, because it was less than a year of our problems at that time. But like we all H too is only human and I think he didn't go looking for an affair. He just felt alone and unloved and he fell in love. And now I cheat and I have numerous good reasons for doing it. 

NOTE, I'M NOT THE WRITER OF THIS COMMENT ABOVE.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You're in a train wreck. You can walk away from it. Don't get married again. Your boundaries are non existent.


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## FormerNiceGuy (Feb 13, 2012)

abdo said:


> I would like to paste a comment about views from a disloyal spouse:
> (So you know how they view loyal spouses)
> 
> NOTE, I'M NOT THE WRITER OF THIS COMMENT ABOVE.
> ...


Sounds like you are looking for reasons to justify doing something you know is wrong.

I told my wife, before we got married, that there weren't too many deal-breakers, but infidelity is one of them. A bright line - no possibility of reconciliation. Period. We took vows and I expect her to respect me and her vows. I have and I will continue to do so. If she doesn't like what I am doing, she needs to tell me. I will fix it or not and she can make another decision if I choose not to fix the problem.

All this garbage you posted is the product of dysfunctional minds trying to reconcile bad behavior. If you don't like your spouse or some aspect of your marriage, tell him/her and then either try to fix it or leave. 

Integrity.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You really aren't showing us anything new that we didn't already know about affairs and the mindset of those who have them.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yes, we know. There are several WS on the board


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Just an aside regarding your "this wasn't my post" post--

A few times, whoever did write it made mention of the betrayed spouse "refusing" to take any responsibility for the affair.

That's because the betrayed spouse bears no reaponsibility *for the affair*.

We most certainly do bear whatever portion of responsibility is appropriate *for the condition of the marriage*.

Two entirely different things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

> Do you know those facts?


Yes. And, basically, I couldn't care less about "facts", except for one "fact":

You cheat on me, you're OUT. Right now, no counseling, no discussion, go get your lawyer.

Yes, I will forgive you for having done this, in time, but there will be no reconciliation. Ever. Forget about it. 

I simply don't want to, and will not remain, married to someone who disrespects me and has so little concern for my welfare as to commit adultery.


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

No. Don't get me wrong. I shared facts to help coping with infidelity.

I have been there done that. I had an EA. It ended. I'm thinking of the other man but it doesn't mean I want to continue the EA with him. So there is nothing to be justified. 

Simply shared with you here some bloody facts in an affair when you are coping with a cheating spouse who has a physical + emotional affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Facts? Problems in a marriage are common to both the cheater and a person of integrity. Cheating is merely a personal choice to put your own sexual needs above your partner's psychological well-being, your integrity, and the most important committment you made in life.


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

No you can't change their minds with what you believe in life. He/she is out of your life only when you catch ... If you still want to save your marriage, coping with infidelity, you will need to talk to the affair partner and affair partner's spouse. 

There is still a big chance that they might go underground.

Being in that kind of forum helped me exam myself, my mind, and understand how most affair stories go.

It also helped me understand why my H cheated and why I strayed emotionally.

So don't take my information as a bad thing to attack. I'm not fooling with any married guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Well, if you refuse to understand your spouse and figure out what went wrong in his/her mind, how are you going save your marriage?

Forget about integrity. When marriage doesn't work out, an affair is the result of an unhappy marriage.

Breaking up is just a matter of time. Some disloyal spouses have mentioned that the only reason is they want to wait until kids go to college to leave their spouses. Most DSs confessed that their LSs are like roommates and would find excuses not to have sex because their desire & passion are with their APs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Halien said:


> Facts? Problems in a marriage are common to both the cheater and a person of integrity. Cheating is merely a personal choice to put your own sexual needs above your partner's psychological well-being, your integrity, and the most important committment you made in life.



You are right. But when passion is gone, sex became stale and desire fades, do those big words still mean anything to a DS?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Your EA is just as bad as an PA. The damage you have done to yourself respect will be very hard to heal. Affiars are for selfish people that cannot act like adults.


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

mahike said:


> Your EA is just as bad as an PA. The damage you have done to yourself respect will be very hard to heal. Affiars are for selfish people that cannot act like adults.


Thanks for your very judgmental comment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

abdo said:


> Thanks for your very judgmental comment!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And what is your judgement regarding your husband's EA compared to his PA? Was it equally damaging or not?


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Just an aside regarding your "this wasn't my post" post--
> 
> A few times, whoever did write it made mention of the betrayed spouse "refusing" to take any responsibility for the affair.
> 
> ...


You can defense yourself but your disloyal spouse's affair partner won't agree with you.
It takes courage to face the facts & fear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

abdo said:


> Thanks for your very judgmental comment!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a problem! Anyone that wants to talk about an affiard with an attitude of look at me needs some kind of wake up call. What your husband has done is wrong just like what you are doing is wrong.

Put on some big girl pants and act like an adult!


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Our going astray from the marriage make us understand something is missing - chemistry.
Cheating in other word is to find back the chemistry, the feelings of heart beating fast and feel young again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

There is a complicated need behind the pursue of an affair. You have to find out what is missing in the marriage. Reassure your spouse that you want to provide what he/she needs. That is the best way to beat his/her strong affair partner who has been providing what your spouse needs.

Unless you want a divorce, then you should let MC help you with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Hi mahike, I know my H & my cheating were both wrong. I want to understand all the intentions & reasons behind an affair. So that I can understand my H and myself better. 
I would share those facts with people here to help them take a deeper look at an affair.
Most people here are the loyal spouses and sharing the same views.
It's also a good idea to look from a DS's point of you and you are amazed why the thoughts and attitudes are so different without getting mad.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

An affair is not always the product of something wrong with the marriage but also because there is something wrong with the spouse who chooses to cheat (ie. depression, personality disorders, childhood sexual abuse, etc). Happily married spouses can also fall into an affair if they start crossing marital boundaries. 

But no matter what was the cause an affair happens to be, it represents a cowardly way of dealing with issues (personal and marital). An affair ends up destroying a marriage in the majority of cases.


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

morituri said:


> An affair is not always the product of something wrong with the marriage but also because there is something wrong with the spouse who chooses to cheat (ie. depression, personality disorders, childhood sexual abuse, etc). Happily married spouses can also fall into an affair if they start crossing marital boundaries.
> 
> But no matter what was the cause an affair happens to be, it represents a cowardly way of dealing with issues (personal and marital). An affair ends up destroying a marriage in the majority of cases.


There is a reason that every DS chose to be a chicken. And they don't mind to be cowards. You still look at an affair from your point of views.

I have asked many people why married but looking. Many have told me :
Affairs allow you talk about the topics that you can't share with your spouse and close friends.
Some stated that they can take a breath of the fresh air when their spouses are being unreasonable & hard to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

abdo said:


> You can defense yourself but your disloyal spouse's affair partner won't agree with you.


Of course the AP will disagree with the notion that the BS isn't responsible *for the affair*. Because...



> It takes courage to face the facts & fear.


The AP (and the WS) lack the courage to face the facts that the affair is wrong. So, they don't take the responsibility for making the choice to enter into the affair.

Again...most BS'es that I've seen here are more than willing to accept their portion of responsibility *for the conditions of the marriage* that led the WS to that proverbial fork in the road where they had to decide whether to act with or without honor and integrity. But the WS makes the choice which path to take, and this bears responsibility *for the affair*.

Using myself as an example, I own my part in our having drifted apart. (And she owns her part in that, as well.)

However, *she* chose to initiate inappropriate conversations with the OM. And _I_ certainly didn't bend her over a park bench and tell the OM to have at it three weeks after they met...that was *their* choice to make. In fact, that they hid it further reinforces that I was not part of that decision-making process, and thus, cannot take responsibility for their choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

abdo said:


> There is a reason that DS chose to be a chicken.
> 
> I have asked many people why married but looking. Many have told me :
> 
> ...


What they were actually saying to you was "I like having my cake and eating too". They are deadly afraid of being alone.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

abdo said:


> You are right. But when passion is gone, sex became stale and desire fades, do those big words still mean anything to a DS?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife and I accepted that an expectation of marriage is that both partners are committed. No infidelity here. No fading desire or missing passion. No unaccounted time, private emails. Its a big word marriage, I guess. You should accept no less than a big word marriage, where you and your husband can look forward to a life together with trust and integrity.


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Of course the AP will disagree with the notion that the BS isn't responsible *for the affair*. Because...
> 
> The AP (and the WS) lack the courage to face the facts that the affair is wrong. So, they don't take the responsibility for making the choice to enter into the affair.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you are hurting.
They are responsible to their own choices. However, when things blow up, it's not very useful to be harsh on your wife.
From her point of views, you are also responsible for something that she requested to change but you never change... Sorry too many cheating wives said so... They have worked so hard but things never changed, so they have given up their husbands. 

You want her to take the whole responsibilities you might lose her quick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

morituri said:


> What they were actually saying to you was "I like having my cake and eating too". They are deadly afraid of being alone.


Actually no. They tried to avoid having sex with their spouses physically and emotionally they are thinking of their lovers all the time!! 
For them, there are family matters to attend to but there are no cakes at home.

However, few DSs are happy married but cheating and they are happy that they have the cake and eat it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Halien said:


> My wife and I accepted that an expectation of marriage is that both partners are committed. No infidelity here. No fading desire or missing passion. No unaccounted time, private emails. Its a big word marriage, I guess. You should accept no less than a big word marriage, where you and your husband can look forward to a life together with trust and integrity.


Fantastic! Is your wife a DS?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

abdo said:


> I'm sorry that you are hurting.
> They are responsible to their own choices. However, when things blow up, it's not very useful to be harsh on your wife.
> From her point of views, you are also responsible for something that she requested to change but you never change... Sorry too many cheating wives said so... They have worked so hard but things never changed, so they have given up their husbands.


Is there any particular reason you're ignoring the multiple times I've said that I (and BS'es in general) are responsible for the part we played in the state of the marriage? (Although, you're also assuming that wants and needs in the relationship are being effectively communicated as they should be...not always the case, but that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish.) The fact remains that, whatever contributions the BS made to the state of the relationship, the WS had options open to them: try to resolve the problems, separate/divorce, decide to suffer in silence, or cheat. The WS is the one responsible for choosing how they respond to the problems, not the BS.

For example...my wife will be the first to admit that she contributed her fair share to the problems we faced. I tried to communicate with her to resolve them, win those pleas falling on deaf ears. I could have chosen to cheat as well. But I didn't. And I I had, that choice would have been all on me...I would bear responsibility for that affair...not her.



> You want her to take the whole responsibilities you might lose her quick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want her to take full responsibility *for her actions and choices*, which she has, willingly. Just as I've taken full responsibility for *my* actions and choices. None of my choices involved choosing for her to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abdo (Mar 26, 2012)

Thanks all for sharing your experiences & comments. 
@Grayson,
I understand your point of view as I was a BS, dealing with my H's 
OW. The process was difficult because they went underground.
It took sometime for me to understand & communicate with H & his OW who didn't want to give up the affair with my H, and tried to pick up a fight with me. She showed a very ugly & jealousy side that my H had never seen. Although I dislike her behaviors, I understand her pain... I know your pain and I understand your views.

@Everyone
I joined affair forum out of revenge and wanted to cash the free passes my H gave me.
The forum helped me view things from cheating spouses' point of views and it allowed me a chance to communicate & exchange thoughts with lots of disloyal & wayward spouses respectfully.

At first, i wanted to take revenge on my H but after many understandings of the secrets behind an affair. (the forbidden love, uncontrollable craziness, intense excitement, lust & passion when hooked. Confusion, struggles, pain & hurt when it ended...) I found many amazing & beautiful stories that deserved the discreet relationship that has changed the way I viewed my H's cheating.

I don't want to challenge myself to take that overwhelmed pursue of an physical + emotional affair.
However, the decision was not easy and the ending was an emotional torture... I still miss the other man, which are my emotional turmoils. I thought I could forget about him. It is gonna take some time.

I ended it for i don't see a future living in an affair and marriage. It's so hard to live in a double-faced life, sneaking out and lying. I just don't think I can live a life like that but it's not because I believe in moral standards or integrity... Nobody cares about these big words when thinking of having an affair. Only betrayed spouses care.... sad to say... You have to be in there to understand why bombarding your DS with big words doesn't work. Because you are telling them they are idiots that they don't know what integrity & honesty mean.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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