# What should I do?



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Here goes.....

After finding this forum whilst looking for help with building a stronger bond in my marriage I did an awful lot of reading and now find myself at a new cross roads in life and don't know what to do?

This is some of my story and maybe you will understand where I am coming from?

About a year and a half ago I caught my wife having some kind of EA on the internet(facebook as usual it seems?), I was a little naive and shocked I suppose and immediately confronted her about it and she kind of confessed to it and after a few heart wrenching months of talking and discussing we moved forward.

I know this is sounding like I am dredging up the past and I should let it go, but I was never one to let anyone get close enough to hurt me and when I did I thought everything was ok and when I found out my trust was broken it hurt me, I know I am not the only guy here to be hurt by their wives so I am not here looking for sympathies, and I have kind of withdrawn myself again as a means of protecting myself from the world, doing what I do best I suppose.

The hardest part is trying to rebuild the trust, learning to trust her again and enough to not remain withdrawn emotionally any longer.

But here is where I find the trust hardest to build, she admits only ever having this one EA that I can prove, but the trouble is the behavioral pattern had existed long before I caught her but I suppose I wasn't looking to make problems in my marriage and just dismissed my thoughts on her behavior, but in knowing the pattern that lead to my discovery in the first place I know that there is absolutely no way it was the first and after finding messages from a random guy on another social networking site I then quizzed him a little as though I was her and another key point in time coincided with certain events in our marriage just four or five months earlier and that was just before we moved to an area without internet access, and for the months we were there her behavior became different again, distanced if you like, and then another house move and within days of having internet access the behavioral pattern started again and that was what aroused my suspicions and lead to me investigating for myself and blowing it out of the water.

When we hit rock bottom I asked her outright about the OM on the other social networking site and she denied knowing anything about it and palmed it off that her account was hacked , Every time I asked her about it and told her to tell the truth she would cry and ask why I don't believe her and told me it simply wasn't her.

I really don't know what to do, things between us now are actually better than ever and she seems much more committed to our marriage, but with all of this baggage rumbling around in my head again I want to put an end to it and find the resolve but at the same time I don't want to dredge up the past and turn the world upside down again just because I couldn't deal with the rubbish in my head.

But in her only owning up to the one I have definitive proof of it means I should have little to worry over in the fact that things are so much better, but if I am right and as the behavioral pattern suggests it had been going on a long time then am I better to D and separate now and save myself from going through it all over again if she decides to start it all over again?

One of the issues that is rifting in my head after reading other peoples stories is, how long before it went from a EA via the internet to a PA or ONS with some random guy, was it lack of opportunity at the time that only allowed the internet thing? Or was the internet thing just the start of what could have become a lot more damaging?

So, what to do really? 

I am losing sleep over this and finding myself withdrawing more each day and I am becoming depressed of it to be honest.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

If she admitted it, what would you do?

Let's face it. You already know the answer. There have been several EA. You know with certainty of 2 and I will guarantee there were others. If things in the relationship are better. Set specific boundaries:
1) No opposite sex friends that aren't friends of the marriage
2) keylog the computer she uses. 
3) Absolute transparency with passwords and telephone.
4) Monitor the phone bill
5) Marriage counselling for the two of you and perhaps IC for her
6) You both read Not Just Friends
7) You start working MMSL program

If this is a deal breaker, just move on.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Are you sure she is not just better at hiding things? Any other red flags going on now? 

Did she have to reset her password , you know since her account was hacked
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Account is hacked my ass. Tell her hacking doesn't work that way and using terminology she read about some where but has no idea about only ends up making her look like a fool.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Get her to take a STD test and a polygraph test. Install a keylogger on your home computer. Do you have kids ?


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Yeah, hackers have better things to do than steal your wife's account to send messages. You can't allow behavior like that stand because it shows a clear willingness to lie to you and a belief that you will accept that lie if she cries a bit. It will degrade you and embolden her to continue to lie and cheat. You don't need to hit rock bottom again unless the truth leads you there, but you should get to the bottom of this issue, because it is clearly still bothering you (and rightly so).

Definitely monitor your wife, and if she comes up clean and she's committed as you say, you can help each other move past the issues in your marriage. She must be willing to provide transparency: to tell you what happened, why it happened, and why it will never happen again. She must work even harder to fix herself and the problems in your relationship that have caused her to act this way. Have you guys been in counseling?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

First of all my WW looked me straight in the eyes and lied about things I had proof of. In the beginning I couldn't call her bluff without revealing my source of information, so it was heartbreaking to know she was lying right to my face and thought nothing of it. It was very frustrating.
But the point is that wives (husbands) will lie right to your face even if you are holding a picture of them with another man, they will claim it was photoshopped. If you believe it happened then just act like it happened no matter what she says. I did that and it drove my WW nuts until she finally confessed. No matter what she said I just acted like "whatever". She had no idea what I knew (which wasn't much) but she knew that I knew she was lying and she couldn't handle it. It took a few months but when she finally broke down she told me everything, and she still doesn't know what I knew and what I didn't.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Get her to take a STD test and a polygraph test. Install a keylogger on your home computer. Do you have kids ?


wranglerman, the above may sound too extreme, but it's isn't.

The STD test is for your own safety(as well as hers). Not to mention that she'll feel like crap having to get one. It'll be something for her to ponder if she thinks about doing this again.

Just the mention of a Poly could get her to start telling you the truth(or more of it anyway). Don't back down on this. Many a WS has suddenly remembered things in the days leading up to the poly test.

The keyloger is a no brainer. She's using facebook on a PC. She may also have other accounts on FB and else where.

Good luck.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> .
> 
> The keyloger is a no brainer. She's using facebook on a PC. She may also have other accounts on FB and else where.
> 
> Good luck.


I have been wondering about whether to install a key logger and track her internet usage, although we both clear our histories a lot due to slow providers and it almost an essential for fast speed on computers!!

But this is probably a prominent point, a week before she was due to travel back to England to bring our dog back over from my parents place she decided it a good idea to spend more than 3 weeks wages on a laptop and only a week before she made a long trip and I kept insisting she kept the money by her as a "just in case" fund but she was adamant that all would be well and that we didn't have to worry, I suppose at that point we both shared my laptop and could only be one of us online at any time so it kind of made sense just the timing was bad, seems I am beginning to notice other things as I begin to think back on it all.....

How do I go about installing a key logger?

Sorry not a techy just a horseman.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Well I am sitting here still wondering whether or not to say something?

Things have been good, we are very much closer and I really don't know whether I ought to just let sleeping dogs lie and just try to get over it myself without rocking the boat.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> Well I am sitting here still wondering whether or not to say something?
> 
> Things have been good, we are very much closer and I really don't know whether I ought to just let sleeping dogs lie and just try to get over it myself without rocking the boat.


I haven't used a keyloger, but others will post here shortly to suggest what to do here.

Why do you say "Things have been good, we are very much closer"? Have you, her, or both been working on your relationship?

Or, have things just seemed to improved on their own?

If the latter, you have to wonder why...


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

My FWW went from meeting OM online to sexting in a week and banging in 2 weeks. 

So from just talking to sex was about 3 weeks. 

Many of these types will throw themselves at ANYONE who isn't you. Richer poorer worse looking better looking doesn't matter at all. They just want different. 

I'd wake up the dogs, kick the sleeping dragon and see what's what. But then i prize the truth above all. 

Trust your gut, it's natures early warning system.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Now I am at a little bit of a loss as now we have time to talk and as I was about to say my piece she asked me what I thought about moving?

Now what should I do?

I feel insecure and unsettled as I am, moving with her work means I will not have a job and is it possible that a new start away from these walls with those memories will erase some of the hurt and present a new environment and better challenges?

Will rethink tonight but I also see a flip side, if our talking does not bring forth the truth then I can stay here and she can move on with her job and then the divorce will come easier if I don't have to see her everyday or pass her doing the groceries.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I haven't used a keyloger, but others will post here shortly to suggest what to do here.
> 
> Why do you say "Things have been good, we are very much closer"? Have you, her, or both been working on your relationship?
> 
> ...


TBH she has been putting a lot more effort in to our relationship and I have probably just remained consistent or possibly putting less effort in, There has been none of the behavioral pattern from the past in over a year now.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You are making this complicated when it is real simple. Can you move on with the uncertainty of not knowing? Does this matter enough to you? Once you answer this you will know what to do. Some don't NEED the truth others find that anything built without knowing the truth just rings false. It is a personal preference. I would say either way do not factor in how the relationship is NOW look at how you will feel years down the road is this still going to bother you?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

CEL said:


> You are making this complicated when it is real simple. Can you move on with the uncertainty of not knowing? Does this matter enough to you? Once you answer this you will know what to do. Some don't NEED the truth others find that anything built without knowing the truth just rings false. It is a personal preference. I would say either way do not factor in how the relationship is NOW look at how you will feel years down the road is this still going to bother you?


It bothers me now, some parts of my job are spent alone and at the moment this rubbish is drifting around in my head and I seem to want to know the truth more than to save our marriage, is it worth saving? I thought so, but if the latest version is based on a tissue of lies then sooner or later those tissues tear or become sodden and everything we built washes away. The trouble for me is that I want to move forward but not with doubts in my mind and certainly not with her deceiving me and being confident in her ability to cover her tracks should things occur in the future.

I just want her honesty, and after the dust has settled and the truth is actually there on the table I will know how far we have to go if we are to reconcile or if it would be better to save myself from hitting rock bottom again?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You know this person is proven untrustworthy. You know this person is proven to only fess up when caught or about to be caught (and barely even then.) 

And really? hacked? Come on. That's the worst excuse i've ever heard. 

My advice is to ignore what she says and pay attention to what she does. 

If you choose to be with this person you will have to realize that there's more you will never know. They will never tell you. For whatever reason they do not want you to know, and once the trail is cold there is no way to find out. 

Trickle truth can last years, even decades. The story of a cheater CHANGES to match the evidence. They will say only flirting until you see sexting. Then only sexting until you see kissing. Only kissing until sex. Only sex once until it's every other weekend etc. 

They will stone wall every step of the way. Eventually you will run into a wall too thick to get through, and there you will be stuck. 

Do not fool yourself into believing someone who has shown you they cannot be trusted. That person must work to earn that trust back, or not. One of the best ways to earn trust is coming clean. None of them do that though. They all want to do it the messy way.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

awake1 said:


> You know this person is proven untrustworthy. You know this person is proven to only fess up when caught or about to be caught (and barely even then.)
> 
> And really? hacked? Come on. That's the worst excuse i've ever heard.
> 
> ...


What are my options then?

I am so confused about what to think or do and I have been busy for more than a year trying to bury it in my head and now it seems to have resurfaced again.

Part of me wants to stay together and to work our way through our problems but the other half of me is thinking that when she needs us to move with her job then she should either move with her job and we separate or she moves first and I then spy on her so to speak to see if she can be trusted to be a few hundred kilometers from me and stay true to me.

Which is the best way forward, I think I know that dredging up the past activities will be blanked and would more than likely see us split anyway but I suppose you are right more so when you speak of actions at the present state of play.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> What are my options then?
> 
> I am so confused about what to think or do and I have been busy for more than a year trying to bury it in my head and now it seems to have resurfaced again.
> 
> ...



Id do as warlock suggested and get a poly. Guage her reaction. You must follow through. Many times liars will agree to it and start to go through only to have a "parking lot confession". 

Std test and keylogger are good too. If you dont know how find a geeky friend or look up a guide on google.
This can give you a little comfort. Do not be surprised if your gut was right. And whats wrong with her getting a new job? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

Since she's on FB, that'swhat you need to see. If you have her password, or better yet- its not password protected, put a keyloggeron it. I have used Spector for years, gives every keystroke, screenshots every 5 seconds (in case she's Skyping). You can also opt for their real-time alert program called eBlaster, it sends to your email (be sure its private). Both install in 10 minutes, erases all trace of install. 

If you're not that good w computers, you have a sympathetic friend? Or think of some reason to get her laptop "tuned up?"
Or grab hers "by accident" and get it out of the house? 

Get quiet, act like nothings going on, no suspicions at all, and watch everything.

FINALLY-do not confrontif you find anything. Post here and people who have been there will help you to not make mistakes.

Good luck, and keep us posted.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Nothing wrong with her job just they are moving locations as current overhead costs are just too high in this area and a move over a county will see overheads cut by a serious margin so her boss wants to relocate, pretty much everything will be taken care of, accommodation etc.

To be honest, my gut is telling me that a poly will bring bigger problems, and that I need to focus on the future not dwell on the past, now had there been no company move then last night would have seen a show down and most likely a poly at the end, but I am now thinking that she should move on her own first and I can stay in my job with my own safety net and start learning what and how to use to track her, I think it best after a long think that I let her free to choose her own path and just monitor, and lets face it, if she does head in a wayward direction then I will know about it without her telling me and I will have my own self securities to ensure I am not hanging in the breeze needing to move out and find my way even further down the line.

Does that seem like a reasonable plan? This way I can just stay calm and be an observer, calculate decisions based on facts, because it is possible that a person can change, I changed many times in my life, each step was a step towards a more honest and successful life!


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

You cant control her no. If you want to let sleeping dogs lie thats fine. 

You can monitor this woman forever. You wonder what shes up to. You can check the key logger daily. You can look over her shoulder each time she texts. You can spend all your time thinking about her.

OR you can concentrate on yourself. Diet. Exercise. Reconnect with friends and make new ones. You can make her the focus of your life or an addition. I can tell you the second approach is better for you.Have you read married man sex life and no more mr nice guy?

Keep checking but dont obcess. You caught her already and werent half as observant as you are now. 

Thats my advice if you wanna try to forget the past
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> It bothers me now, some parts of my job are spent alone and at the moment this rubbish is drifting around in my head and I seem to want to know the truth more than to save our marriage, is it worth saving? I thought so, but if the latest version is based on a tissue of lies then sooner or later those tissues tear or become sodden and everything we built washes away. The trouble for me is that I want to move forward but not with doubts in my mind and certainly not with her deceiving me and being confident in her ability to cover her tracks should things occur in the future.
> 
> *I just want her honesty, and after the dust has settled and the truth is actually there on the table I will know how far we have to go if we are to reconcile or if it would be better to save myself from hitting rock bottom again*?


Well you obviously don't think/feel that she has been honest about what's happened. She's only admitted to what you've had proof of, so far. You said that you want the truth so that you can move forward.

You said you don't want to suggest a poly test because you might cause damage to the relationship that you have now.

Either she starts telling you truthfully of what she has done up to this point. Not very likely and how would you even know if it's the whole truth.

You spy to try to find out the truth. This may, or may not learn you of the past, but it would let you know what's going on(if anything) in the present.

OR, you suggest a poly to her. Watch her reactions when you ask her to take one and during the days leading up to the test.
If there was more that she had not told you about, it will most likely come out before the poly. Just look at russ01 thread. His WS swore that there never any physical contact and on the day of the poly she back out of the test and told him she had had sex on time. Then it was sex a few times that one day. Then there was also sex the next Morning.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Wrangler. Trust is very hard to come by. You popped to early. Gathering that evidence is key to nuking that crap apart. Kando and others, along with myself have been right where you are today. Your gut yelled, you listened and you did find something. That means there is more. Chillax for a few weeks and do your homework. The reason or reasons she is working is because she knows you know. She will now TT and gaslight and go underground.

I'm with the rest, do not go to the extreme right now. Keylogger, VAR (car,house &bedroom) GPS and so on. Anyone of those things should yield something. What worked for during my horse crap was exercise, eating right and moderation of booze. You need a clear head, to keep the paranoia at bay. Gather facts, but use common sense on other things. If you find things she is saying and what she is actually doing don't connect, well then they don't connect.

Keep coming back here and make sure she doesn't find this site. These pros here got it down to a science. That is why I come here. We will help you and in the end you will hopefully come out on top. Good luck brother.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Well whilst doing some more mundane chores I have decided to leave the past alone.

But......

I am more curios to know what she will do when left to her own devices?

So I am going to engineer things so that I stay here for a couple of months and she will move with her job, now without me around every day she will have all the time in the world to do as she pleases, now, for me, I am fully expecting the worst, not to say it won't hurt some when/if it comes out!!

Keylogger on her laptop, VARs ready to be planted in her apartment when she moves in, she doesn't drive so no car to track but I can do that via her cell phone.

I can visit on days off and collect the information when I am there, come home and piece it all together and then if necessary just let go and move on, it will be a lot less messy this way, a lot can happen in two months, if she is being good now then no problem but two months on her own might see a return sooner to the old ways and for moving on sooner is better than later, but the flip side is two months is not long to wait for my busy time to end here and leaving this job will be nicer for my employers when it is quiet and plenty of notice for them to find another wrangler.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Wranglerman Just Remember

"THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS BE"


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Wranglerman Just Remember
> 
> "THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS BE"


That is the truth!!

I want to know less of the past and after the last few weeks events I want to live in the now, my wife has her faults as I have mine, she now understands I am not going to tolerate any crap from now on and I am focused on my well being now, I want to be in a place where take it or leave it, she stays or she goes, she chooses, and she now knows I will not tolerate any further lies or omissions, the past is the past I have not chosen to rug sweep but to just leave it in the middle of the room, if she trips up on it she can clear it up if we both move on to a better place in our marriage, it will still be there but less likely to trip us up if that makes sense?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

just got it 55 said:


> Wranglerman Just Remember
> 
> "THE TRUTH WILL ALWAYS BE"


And remember this

"FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN"


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did you end up doing the VAR and keylogger or end up not parting?

Please dont do to me what you did to those two dudes for asking... LOL


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Did you end up doing the VAR and keylogger or end up not parting?

Please dont do to me what you did to those two dudes for asking... LOL


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Did you end up doing the VAR and keylogger or end up not parting?
> 
> Please dont do to me what you did to those two dudes for asking... LOL


I have webwatcher on her laptop and as she has stated she will not move without me I have little use for the VARs except for saving my own a$$.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

You do realize that by distancing yourself in order to protect your feelings, will ultimately push her away, right?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Carlchurchill said:


> You do realize that by distancing yourself in order to protect your feelings, will ultimately push her away, right?


Yes this is an awkward way to be but I would not describe it as pushing her away, that to me would be asking her to leave, this is more about finding myself in all of this mess and if she sticks around and supports me in it then she wants to be here, if not then so be it and she can leave at any point in time.

I am prepared to lose my marriage for the sake of saving it, how could I save anything from dying when I was so wrapped up in figuring out the past? I couldn't, and now I just don't want to, I want to be back in that place where life can happen all around me but not affect me, as long as I have a job, money and a place to call home I will be happy with that, for the rest, it is all about me now. 

I look back at the insecure wreck I was a few months ago and how the mere hint of her going on the show for a week or two would have me panicking in my head and then it would all kick off again, triggered by this, that and the kitchen sink, sod that, better off this way, she mentioned that there was another show in a couple weeks time and today, nothing, no butterflies no nausea no agitation just "thats nice, which state this time?" and to be honest she is finding it easier too not to have to pu$$y foot around me just in case she says something, seems to be working out better, and I suppose that by the time I feel fully healed enough inside to love again and to show it there are two possibilities, 1) she stayed and worked it out or 2) she got pizzed with it and moved on, either way, I need to be ok, that may seem selfish but I would rather become stronger and more self reliant than to get hung up on the insecurities every time she goes away or if there is a text while sitting on the sofa together, why should I waste another minute in that state of mind? Call it selfish but I am not a cheater and I will not cheat on my wife, she understands how this works and says she is prepared to stay strong no matter what.

Only time will tell, but I want to be in that better place, sooner rather than later!!


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