# Erection question...



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I have a weird erection question, I'll post my query, then my theory for evaluation.

Background - 9 weeks off an ONS, I'm the BS, he also had a porn addiction that he has "quit" since. 

Query: 
The other day my husband and I were going through some foreplay, and I know he was hard because I was messing with him, he gets up to strap me down in the under the bed restraint ( thanks to tips from here, LOVE it! BTW) and I look over and his erection is gone... I asked him about it and he said "that's normal" because he wasn't touching me and such...

From past relationships I've never seen anything like this. So later I asked so you could look at porn and not get an erection? And he says yes... Because at this point I'm feeling very unattractive, because in my head I'm thinking obviously you strapping your naked wife down to the bed is not exciting enough for you to get an erection...


So, after much thought, literally I've been tossing this around for a week, my theory is that he has a heightened need for excitation due to excessive porn use? 

I've love some opinions on this. I'm also concerned because it used to be if I butted up to him in bed, I usually sleep naked or in just panties, he used to get an erection. And he doesn't anymore... and I'm really starting to take it personally! I do have to say that in general we've been having more sex than we have in the past though ( hysterical bonding, currently on the decline, down to every 2 days).

Hoping some guys could please help give me some insight on the matter....


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I loose erections sometimes during foreplay. Even when I'm in the moment and enjoying it. Now it bounces back pretty quickly, so it's not a big deal... but once in a while yeah it will even surprise me and go flaccid.

I wouldn't associate loosing an erection every time with loosing interest or not being excited.

Though extensive porn use I don't think is good for anyone personally. He would do well long term to cut it down to a small amount or eliminate it (and I'm not saying the later because I'm on some anti-porn crusade).


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Not a guy, sorry -- but my guy, who is very sexual, can't maintain an erection for long without direct stimulation. It's an age thing. It bounces right back, though! (Sorry.)


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Browncoat, he has quit it since the incident. It's bad when even other guys tell him that it's the last thing to have in the house right now, lol. 

Lamaga, no problem all input is good input.

I don't remember this being an issue before, which is why it concerns me, and I know it wasn't with my ex... he had the problem of not being able to get it go away if it was there, not with it just dropping off mid-foreplay.

As for age, he's almost 33...


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If I get an erection during foreplay, I will usually lose it within a few minutes if I am not being "stimulated", even if I am eating her out. However the last time I can remember getting an erection from "watching" porn, I was maybe 13 or 14 years old. I cannot get an erection by watching porn, unless I am actively "stimulating" myself. If I quit stimulating myself while watching porn, within 20 seconds of stopping, half of my erection would stop as well. 

With my wife, the idea of her gives me an erection but it does NOT keep it. That is probably the only thing these days that can give me an erection without the "physical" stimulation. However, my body still has to be stimulated to keep that erection. I'd prefer to do all foreplay and oral without getting an erection, and then when it's time to get "busy", her giving me oral usually gets my soldier up and ready for action.

I also find that if my penis gets erect then soft during foreplay, erect then soft during oral, by the time I am ready for intercourse, my erection will be at maybe 70-80%. It will not be a good erection.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I would say it's a rare event when I will loose an erection, so if it's happening often either wait to see if time away from porn helps or see a doctor now.

If it's happening fairly often I'd recommend seeing the doctor now.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Yeah it happens. I find my wife very attractive but can sometimes lose my stiffy if I'm concentrating on her too much. When I slow down and give her time to pay attention to me then I'm back up and in the game. Don't take it too... uh... hard.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

As I age visual stimulation has less and less of an effect on me.

I'm getting to where I require some manual stimulation to get erect at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I'm not able to give him oral right now without a condom (HIV watch), and I'm sorry, but I'm not sucking on a chunk of latex... He wouldn't even ask me too. 

But that is interesting Aristotle, I have noticed when he gets oral stimulation in the past the erection is always much, much stronger, and therefore more satisfying for me!

Browncoat, I've considered that we may need to see a doctor. 

I don't know if this information matters as well, but he did have a vasectomy over 3 years ago, and so normally we didn't use condoms, so that is something that might add to it as well? 

Thanks everyone for their input thus far!


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It happens. It goes up and down depending on direct stimulation. In those situations though it comes back quickly. I would just think that he was concentrating on tying you up.


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

If I am stressed out about something else, no matter how bad I try, if I can't get my mind into it, it's not going to happen at all.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Thanks everyone! I feel much better now. I know each guy is different... Just with everything going on I think I've been extra sensitive to the littlest things I probably didn't notice before.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

31 here.. my erections can wax and wane depending on a number of factors.

If my wife is in 'dead fish' mode and not being proactive / enthusiastic, I am more likely to have an issue. OR if for whatever reason I just take too long to cum and run out of steam; whcih is more likely if we are two days in a row, or morning/bedtime of the same day. Conversely, it's impossible for my wife to ever get her mouth around my flaccid ****. 

Lifestyle stuff like tobacco, alcohol, nutrition, exercise, porn/masturbation habbits, stress, anxiety - all that can make a difference as well. 

I wouldn't take it personally at all. There's a good chance it has nothing to do with you. If this becomes a recurring issue, he should probably see a dr.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just read the HIV watch condom thing. Any reminder that I had to wear a condom and why would cause me to lose wood. I would strongly suspect it has to do with this. Look it's your health and you have to do what makes you feel comfortable but 6 months of having to wear a condom is a pretty strong reminder of what he did. It's a pretty strong statement and it would be very hard for me to perform under those conditions.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Riven said:


> I have a weird erection question, I'll post my query, then my theory for evaluation.
> 
> Hoping some guys could please help give me some insight on the matter....


Erection is an autonomic response, like goose bumps or erect nipples. 

Humans don't have direct control over the autonomic nervous system and lots and lots of factors can affect those responses.

Even young men get 'stuck in neutral' sometimes


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Condoms can make an 18 year old with a swimsuit model lose wood. Not saying you should not use one but...

He may just need to give it a few yanks to get it going


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

If you're stuck using condoms for the time being... not all are created equal. Some of the really thin ones can actually be quite nice.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lets say that no sex is a 0. And freaky hot tie your wife up sex is a 10. Wearing a Trojan brings it down to a 3, which is still better than 0. Nader is correct that there are great condoms on the market that will probably only bring it down to a 6. Better, but still not a 10. But that 6 assumes you're using the condom for birth control or some other benign reason. But you're actually using it because your husband cheated, so the condom is a reminder of this. That means that it's probably back to a 3 or maybe 4 even with the best condom on the market. Basically, it's not the quality of the latex, it's the reasoning behind it that's the problem.

Again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be using a condom. If you feel that there's still a risk then by all means.... But with this kind of in your face constant reminder, he's bound to have some effects on his erection. The limitations make it impossible to forget and be lost in the moment. Obviously you can't be lost in the moment either...I get it, fair is fair.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I has a vasectomy about 15 years ago and it has never caused any erectile problems for me. Just another data point.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Thanks for the info, sorry I forgot to put that in the original post. I understand it's a constant remind for him, it is for me too... But then again not having sex at all is too... it's a terrible situation in that aspect.


----------



## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Closing in on 42 in a few weeks. Over the past 2-3 years, I've noticed that the spontaneity (for want of a better term) and intensity of my erections has waned. I would draw a causal relationship to my wife's A, but these problems began before the A and have continued into R. Some of it is indeed clearly mental, but it would seem that the bulk of it is physiological due to age. Either way, it might still be worth him consulting his doctor. When mine first prescribed Cialis, he said that many of his patients found that, after regaining confidence through using it for a while, they no longer needed the medication.

For what it's worth, I likes me some dirty pictures and video, but haven't had...um...spontaneous reactions to them for several years. I still enjoy them, just don't have an immediate physical reaction. It happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Riven said:


> my theory is that he has a heightened need for excitation due to excessive porn use?


Quite possible. Is he overweight? Blood pressure, diabetes? As a guy gets older his skin sensitivity decreases and it takes more work to stay hard. Emotional issues such as dealing with his infidelity and porn problems can also cause erection difficulties.

A light dose of an ED med might be just the ticket for him. He should in any case see a doc to be sure his overall health is ok.

At 33 he is a bit young for age related ED problems.

If he starts getting soft the best thing to do is to do something else. Especially don't focus on his erection. Don't you try harder to get or keep him hard. It just makes the psych factor that much bigger.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

He's going to be 33 this weekend, a little over weight, 6' 215 lbs. Normal BP, no diabetes. I know that his nipples are still "normally" sensitive, lol. 

Thanks Thor for the last tip. I hope eventually everything will get better. I hate to say anything about going to the doctor because of like you said on the end there, I don't want to make him MORE conscious of it. He can get it up when he needs to. Apparently it's not that out of place from the comments I've seen. 

Thanks again for everyone's input.


----------



## WillK (May 16, 2012)

FWIW I was about to post my own thread, but I'm 40 and after last Christmas it was apparent I was having ED issues. So I went to my general practice doctor and he prescribed 10 mg Cialis. This fixed my ED problem, but I wasn't really satisfied he had made any effort to find the root of the problem.

After the second pill, I started having joint pain. I had to figure out on my own that a 5 mg dose would be a better dose to try, that would hopefully still get the job done and not cause the joint pain. It worked.

But I now have run out of my prescription and for a week the doc's office has been flaky about calling in the refill to the pharmacy. I still had some 10 mg left so I'm having to take that in the mean time, which worked good for this afternoon but could've been better for this evening.. I somewhat suspect I still have an underlying issue that needs to be diagnosed.

At any rate, I have an appointment set with a urologistin a week and a half for this concern and to discuss a vascetomy.


----------



## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Will, are you one any beta blockers or other prescription meds? A lot of meds that lower BP will cause ED issues.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I have gone semi soft while doing 69' because while I was really enjoying her activity on me, I was very engaged on working on her and well there's only enough blood for one head as they say, and I would be really be enjoying what I was doing to her.

Do I wouldn't worry about. He could ave been concentrating on the strap down and getting done right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

My wife was very positive and supportive when I had problems, and that is a big deal. I would advise you to approach it with him as this isn't a worry for you, and this is something for the two of you to deal with.

The first time a wife says to her husband he is less of a man because of his ED, the marriage is OVER. Guaranteed.

The opposite is also true, though, that being positive and non-judgmental is a big win for the marriage.

I think you should encourage him to see a doctor in order to rule out other potential serious medical conditions. He might have a hidden problem like diabetes or heart disease, and now is definitely the time to find it before it gets worse. You aren't sending him to the doc because he is failing in the bedroom, you are sending him to the doc to be sure everything else is ok.

btw, cialis and staxyn can be split easily. It reduces the cost, and he may be fine with a lower dose. I really like Staxyn because it takes effect in less than 15 minutes, so it can be taken on the spur of the moment. For me it has fewer side effects than cialis the next day (headache, back ache).


----------



## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Riven said:


> Will, are you one any beta blockers or other prescription meds? A lot of meds that lower BP will cause ED issues.


The cialis is the only meds I'm taking at all.


----------

