# I cheated... Can he forgive?



## lola44 (Feb 10, 2012)

I will make my long story short...
Basically I have been married for 6 years, to my best friend and the father of our young child. I starting questioning our relationship about a year ago now and started distancing myself. What didnt help is I met someone who was putting a lot of garbage in my head and I was stupid enough to believe it. I did not have a pr with the om until I asked my h to move out. my husband was devastated... At that point the pr started. it only lasted 2 months - and I had realized the pain I had caused everyone around me including myself. I had realized the enormity of my mistake. I had realized that the only real best friend I ever had I ditched. I cant believe who I was during that period of time. For months I pleaded and begged to work it out. I completley broke down and had scary thoughts. Finally about 5 months of me pleady to work things out, h agreed to mc. In mc he said he loved me still and he wanted his life and family back aswell. We went for about 2 months. So he's moved back in we are very happy I love him more today then the day I married him. He is truley the man of my dreams and inspires me with his ability to move forward. 

My concern is... Did he really forgive? Is it really possible we can move on and make it? On my end I know that I can never live without him, that I am POSITIVE about. But I wonder will he ever start to second quess his dicision? A
I was hoping a couple who has been thru this can give their 2 cents :scratchhead:

Thank you & God Bless,


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That's kind of a strange position for a cheater to adopt - and I'm one myself. You have to trust him - you now have some slight idea of the huge leap of faith he is putting in you by taking you back. 

The reality of the situation is that he can change his mind at any time - just like you could change your mind and cheat again at any time. But really at this point only one of you has given the other any reason to worry - right?

Accept his gift of reconciliation and don't look back. Pour your heart and soul into him and making the marriage right.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't know if he forgave, but I will say HE WILL NEVER FORGET.

I expect he will second guess his decision on a regular basis, especially when things trigger (remind) him of how you kicked him out of the family and home to you could cheat.

Have you thrown out everything you used with the OM - bed, couches, toys, clothers, shoes, jewelry, makeup?

Every last trace of the OM and your betrayal? If not, get busy today, because while he may be back at the moment, he could decide like many betrayed spouses that it is just too hard to come back.

See, while away he convinced himself to give it a second try. His energy was up for it. You were working hard to get him back, which I assume meant you being super nice, super positive, and giving him all the sex he could handle.

So what happens now that he's home and you begin to go back to the way you were before. When you stop feeling the need to be super anything to him - or when you begin to resent how he gets to be angry at times (and oh boy will he when he hits a trigger).

What then?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One more thing - you must also realize that you're going to be walking in a new marriage where he no longer will or should give you the benefit of the doubt. 

So girls only nights out or weekend trips - nope.

You hanging with male friends - nope

You chatting /text with males friends - nope.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

This is all good advice to you from Shaggy.


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## lola44 (Feb 10, 2012)

The om never came to our home so.. the house or anything in it wouldnt trigger. He does get angry and when he does I immediatly back down and let him have time and space. I understand It will take a very long time to build trust before I do "girls nights and such" I dont really have girlfriends so im not worried about that. I pretty much hang with my family.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lola44 said:


> The om never came to our home so.. the house or anything in it wouldnt trigger. He does get angry and when he does I immediatly back down and let him have time and space. I understand It will take a very long time to build trust before I do "girls nights and such" I dont really have girlfriends so im not worried about that. I pretty much hang with my family.


Ok for the marriage bed - but what about any clothes etc you wore when meeting up the OM?

Look, this is more than symbolic- it is showing your husband in a clear way that you are purging the OM from you.

So dump the clothers, shoes, makeup - all of it that we ever seen by the OM, doubly so if you bought if FOR the OM.

do it visibly and in front of you husband.

then go out and buy new stuff that is ONLY for him.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> But I wonder will he ever start to second quess his dicision?


Almost everyday for years to come.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lola44 said:


> The om never came to our home so.. the house or anything in it wouldnt trigger. He does get angry and when he does I immediatly back down and let him have time and space. I understand It will take a very long time to build trust before I do "girls nights and such" I dont really have girlfriends so im not worried about that. I pretty much hang with my family.


It will take forever lola, not a very long time, forever. Over time the hurt and anger goes away but they never forget. You're late one night and your spouse might make a snide remark or give you the cold shoulder.

You don't answer your phone, same thing happens. Triggers for life and you never know if one day they've had enough (burying their feelings) and walk right out the door without even a look back. How does he get rid of the triggers forever, he gets rid of you.

GL and I hope it works out for the both of you. And learn from this, do whatever you can to not give him another excuse to kick you to the curb and wish that he had left you instead of sticking it out.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

***What didnt help is I met someone who was putting a lot of garbage in my head and I was stupid enough to believe it. ****

Lola, can you elaborate more about that?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> ***What didnt help is I met someone who was putting a lot of garbage in my head and I was stupid enough to believe it. ****
> 
> Lola, can you elaborate more about that?


I love you, I miss you.

You're the most beautiful person I've met.

We were meant for each other.

You're the love of my life.

Why didn't I meet you when you were younger and single.

Your husband should be on his knees thanking God he's got you.

You deserve better then what you have right now.

I'll always be there for you no matter what.

You know, say whatever you can to get them to open up, literally.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If he has come back home and has goner mc with you then he has already forgiven you. He will never forget it thats something that you both will have to deal with. I think it is important that you make reassure him that he is enough for you and that you wont do anything like that again. I think within time the trust will be gained by itself, but as I said you dont need to worry about him really forgiving you as his made the choice of still being with you after you did what you did. If he does change his mind it will probably be down to the fact that he will not be able to forget it and that may play on his mind. Good Luck


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

He may forgive, but he will never forget. It is going to take a long time.

You should consider yourself very lucky that he is giving this a chance. I have been married for 17 years. My wife and I have discussed the what ifs. We agreed that if one of us ever cheated on the other, the cheater leaves.

I am amazed in the year of 2012 husbands leave the home because the wife asks them to. Your husband did nothing wrong, his life was tipped upside down.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

lola44 said:


> The om never came to our home so.. the house or anything in it wouldnt trigger. He does get angry and when he does I immediatly back down and let him have time and space. I understand It will take a very long time to build trust before I do "girls nights and such" I dont really have girlfriends so im not worried about that. I pretty much hang with my family.


How do you know it wouldn't trigger? My WS had a virtual affair, his AP was never in my home, never stepped foot in my country even, let alone my province...

The house is a trigger for me, certain rooms, certain sounds, the computer, the telephone, the mic headset (I destroyed it, broke it on purpose), webcam, laptops, cell phones...

You can't say the house isn't a trigger because it's not you who has to deal with it. He is the only one who can say what is a trigger and what is not... Maybe you should ask him to help reduce the effects of those triggers.


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## Mr.Right (Feb 10, 2012)

been married for 6 years, to my best friend and the father of our young child. I starting questioning our relationship about a year ago now and started distancing myself. What didn't help is I met someone who was putting a lot of garbage in my head and I was stupid enough to believe it.



All I can say is if didn't want you he could of said no, but he wanted you back he loves you the real question is do you love him you kick him out of a house that all build together for what because you had second thought about be with each other?? . If you love him and he love you that's all you need. its not like you cheated on him or like you let someone talk you into kicking him out his house that you started a family with. just saying love him and he will love you back.

P.S- You know he loves you after months since he saw you just do not do anything dumb again it hard enough to find good men don't make it harder for yourself. Never let no one talk you into thinking that he its the one for you because in that case you are not the one for him and the last six-yrs has been a lie. he loves you question is do you love him????


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

i think you have to move on with your life and accept that he has forgiven you. people do stupid things.. i know that i have.. he may completely forgive you or he may not... i think the most damaging thing would be for it to bottle up inside one of you until it explodes.

i think you should talk about it with a moderator or counsellor... if there are any issues, let them come out in the open. no woman or man is perfect.. we all make mistakes, sometimes huge ones.. you need to find a way to deal with it and communicate with him.. if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out... hopefully it does though, and your relationship will grow because of it.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Lola, you can read my stories. We successfully reconciled and I am so happy.
Triggers? Yep, still there from time to time.
Girls Night Out? Never
Boys night Out? Never
Forgiveness? Completely on both sides.
Forgetting? Never


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Mr.Right said:


> . its not like you cheated on him or like you let someone talk you into kicking him out his house that you started a family with. just saying love him and he will love you back.


What? Did you read the post? She did all of the above!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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