# New and need advice - Relinquishing Control



## bella (Aug 21, 2007)

Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm desperately working to save my marriage and could use some advice. My husband and I have been together almost 7 years, married almost 3 years. We are both 28 and we have no kids - in fact we are currently in the midst of dealing with problems conceiving (trying for almost 2 years with and without fertility treatments) and given the difficulties in our marriage, we decided to take a break from it for now which I think is for the best. This process has definitely caused strain in our relationship lately and caused me to become even more insecure and needy in our relationship.

There are some things that I have done throughout the course of the marriage that I am now coming to regret. They all stem from issues I've not fully dealt with in childhood and as a result, I have difficulty relinquishing control and trusting my husband in situations where he is out without me. I don't believe he would cheat on me. I don't even fully believe he would do anything bad. I just have this fear that something bad will happen to him or that he will get drunk and do something stupid to hurt me. My husband does not have a drinking problem - in fact he rarely drinks except on social occasions and he is usually fairly responsible. My fears stem from my childhood and having two parents who used alcohol irresponsibly and as a result caused me to be an adult much sooner than I needed to be. In turn I have now successfully made my husband feel isolated from his friends and made him feel guilty for much of our relationship for wanting to do things without me. After doing some soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that most of the times that I put up a fuss about him doing something is when I know he will be out drinking. As I said, this goes right back to the core of my childhood and I just don't know how to break it.

For years he put up with it, did as I asked, and for the most part didn't really complain. As a result I was under the impression he has been content with our marriage. Just recently (3 weeks ago), he told me he is unhappy, feels empty, resents me, and that he's not sure he wants to stay in the marriage. He has told me part of him wants it to work and part of him just doesn't. He has no faith left in me or my word to make changes. Hearing this has completely devastated me and is forcing me to do some real self-reflection. I have gone through therapy years ago but I don't believe I fully dealt with my control issues and have an appointment to start up again.

In the meantime though, I have promised my husband that I will show him I can improve. I fear he doesn't trust me and he has told me that he fears it is too far gone.  While I know a lot of this has to be vetted out in therapy (both with and without him), I feel more that I need a system to implement that will allow me to more easily relinquish control. He thinks it's sad that I feel the need to have him remind me that I can trust him and to reassure me that he's not like my father and won't do anything to hurt me. Maybe it is sad. But I really believe that by him doing this and reassuring me that he can be trusted when he's out without me, that over time I can begin to build up security and not worry so much when he's away.

These are serious issues for me and I really want to find a way to prove to my husband that I'm serious about making changes. He has been so mean-spirited and resentful towards me lately that it just breaks my heart and I feel stuck, like there's nothing I can do. I pray that it's not too far gone and I truly believe that if I can change for the better, that he too will come around and we can return to being the happy, loving couple that everyone around us knows.

Any advice at all is appreciated.


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

Once again, I certainly advocate therapy. I had to go...I had major trust issues, but nobody was being mean to me, either. I'm very upset to hear that your husband is being mean spirited. That's kind of what some would call emotional abuse...and do you really need that?
He feels empty. He feels unhappy. He resents you. He's not sure he wants to stay in the marriage. He says a part of him wants it to work and part of him just doesn't. Honey, those are all HIS issues, not yours. HE needs to evaluate his feelings.
Now what YOUR problems are is what YOU have to focus on. YOU need therapy to assist you in feeling more secure.
AS A COUPLE, IT IS BOTH OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY on working on this marriage IF there is a chance to work it out. But don't feel like you have to kiss his behind in order to make him love you. That's crazy. And let me remind you that it was HIS CHOICE to isolate away from his friends to appease you. He could have easily just discussed it with you back then and gone out anyway. He needs to take responsibility for not standing up for himself years ago! So basically BOTH of you are at fault and BOTH of you need to rectify this if it is to be resolved. Now, since he has been patient with you all these years, perhaps you need to ask him for some compassion regarding the issue that you have had in the past and that you are seeking resolution for in the future.
If you need some assistance or someone to talk to, you can send me a message to my inbox. I've dealt with childhood issues through therapy, and they really have helped now that i'm married.
Good luck.


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## bella (Aug 21, 2007)

MrsLV said:


> Once again, I certainly advocate therapy. I had to go...I had major trust issues, but nobody was being mean to me, either. I'm very upset to hear that your husband is being mean spirited. That's kind of what some would call emotional abuse...and do you really need that?
> He feels empty. He feels unhappy. He resents you. He's not sure he wants to stay in the marriage. He says a part of him wants it to work and part of him just doesn't. Honey, those are all HIS issues, not yours. HE needs to evaluate his feelings.
> Now what YOUR problems are is what YOU have to focus on. YOU need therapy to assist you in feeling more secure.
> AS A COUPLE, IT IS BOTH OF YOUR RESPONSIBILITY on working on this marriage IF there is a chance to work it out. But don't feel like you have to kiss his behind in order to make him love you. That's crazy. And let me remind you that it was HIS CHOICE to isolate away from his friends to appease you. He could have easily just discussed it with you back then and gone out anyway. He needs to take responsibility for not standing up for himself years ago! So basically BOTH of you are at fault and BOTH of you need to rectify this if it is to be resolved. Now, since he has been patient with you all these years, perhaps you need to ask him for some compassion regarding the issue that you have had in the past and that you are seeking resolution for in the future.
> ...


Thank you very much for the advice. Yes, I do sometimes feel like I have to kiss his behind in order to make this work. I feel like in a way he has given up on me which is very frustrating because I know I'd never do that to him. He says he has been acting so mean and resentful the last few weeks because he has held it in for so long and suddenly realized that he doesn't want to take this anymore. I can understand his frustrations, I really do. But at the same time, I feel like he deals with them immaturely by not communicating them to me until he is ready to leave the relationship. He has given me chances over the years to rectify my trust issues and I do say it will be better, but then I don't ever deal with it. Now I want to deal with it...not just for the sake of the relationship but for me. But I feel like he needs to be a little more caring and a little more understanding that these issues take time to work through and I'd prefer to do it together. He says that he just thinks it shouldn't be this hard and that we shouldn't have to struggle so much to make it work. That is extremely heartbreaking to hear because I believe that when you bring two people with separate baggage together, there are always going to be things you have to work through and you are always going to have to try new ways of approaching issues until you get it right. 

I spoke to him earlier today and told him that I CAN let go and I CAN trust him. But he needs to be understanding, reassure me when I need it, and not break my trust either. He seemed open to it and he said he could do that. But he asked why it took him asking for a divorce for it to make me want to change? I find this question silly because for years he didn't speak up about it and gave me my way. How can he expect that I'd fix something that I didn't really know was tearing him apart inside?


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## MrsLV (Jul 3, 2007)

This is true-you didn't know it was tearing him apart. Just tell him that it didn't take him wanting a divorce for you to want to get better...that you are not going to be threatened into doing ANYTHING (that way he won't try to use that method again), but that your love for him made you consider your love for yourself, you were going to get help anyway for yourself but at the same time you don't want to lose your marriage to something like that. 
You can always private message me if you want. Like I said, I went through this before and after therapy, I was able to have healthier relationships.
What state are you in?


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## lexied8604 (Aug 25, 2007)

Hey, I'm not married yet, so I don't know how good this advice will be, but I am engaged. One thing I can say to you though, from personal experience with other issues, is that try not to let whatever happened in your past control how you live now. Trust him, he's there, he's your husband. I'm sure you've heard other people tell you this, but I will say it to you again. When there is no trust in a relationship, there is NO RELATIONSHIP! Get counseling, couples counseling is best. And as for having kids, it seems like you're too stressed out, which is the worst time to even try to have kids. Trying to concieve should be a happy and exciting time. Relax. It'll be okay. If that still doesn't work... there's always the option of adoption. Have you tried that yet? Also, you could do some research on best way's to get pregnant. They say not to drink or smoke. They also say to excersize daily, take multivitamins, and lower your stress (there's plenty of ways to do this) Sometimes talking about it will help you to concieve. 
I have a question for you if you wouldn't mind helping me. I'm planning to get married in May of 09, but a lot of people who have been married say that I should go to marriage counseling. What do you talk about? We have pretty good communication already. 
Well I hope what I've said has given you some hope and help. If you want to talk again, an easier way to reach me is by e-mail. My e-mail address is [email protected].


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## bella (Aug 21, 2007)

lexied8604 said:


> Hey, I'm not married yet, so I don't know how good this advice will be, but I am engaged. One thing I can say to you though, from personal experience with other issues, is that try not to let whatever happened in your past control how you live now. Trust him, he's there, he's your husband. I'm sure you've heard other people tell you this, but I will say it to you again. When there is no trust in a relationship, there is NO RELATIONSHIP! Get counseling, couples counseling is best. And as for having kids, it seems like you're too stressed out, which is the worst time to even try to have kids. Trying to concieve should be a happy and exciting time. Relax. It'll be okay. If that still doesn't work... there's always the option of adoption. Have you tried that yet? Also, you could do some research on best way's to get pregnant. They say not to drink or smoke. They also say to excersize daily, take multivitamins, and lower your stress (there's plenty of ways to do this) Sometimes talking about it will help you to concieve.
> I have a question for you if you wouldn't mind helping me. I'm planning to get married in May of 09, but a lot of people who have been married say that I should go to marriage counseling. What do you talk about? We have pretty good communication already.
> Well I hope what I've said has given you some hope and help. If you want to talk again, an easier way to reach me is by e-mail. My e-mail address is [email protected].


I appreciate the advice. And while I'm sure stress has played _some_ role in our TTC problems, after having tried for nearly 2 years now, we both know there is a larger problem. Even the doctors have said that our chances of conceiving naturally are very low. So that leaves acupuncutre and fertility treatments. The acupuncture is great, although expensive, and has helped me alleviate stress a lot. It has regulated my hormone levels too. But the fertility treatments are difficult to endure and every month that turns up a negative pregnancy tests hurts me that much more. Unless someone has gone through this ordeal themselves, I don't expect people to have a full understanding of the emotional difficulties that come with it. If only relaxing was enough...

To answer your question. I'd recommend couples therapy for anyone, even if you aren't having problems. I have seen what it's done for us in the past and if you find the right therapist, it is really an enlightening experience. You can talk about anything that is on your mind. And the counselor will help you to communicate in a healthy way, which is extremely important, especially to prepare you for once you are out of the newlywed honeymoon stage and reality sets in. Good luck!


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