# Not attracted to my spouse - help please!



## Rob776 (Aug 23, 2012)

I have been living with my girlfriend for 11 years. We are both early 40's and have no kids.

I am not at all attracted to her sexually, and i am trying to figure out what to do.

Apart from sex, our personalities are compatible and we complement each other well. We have a good complicity. We are cute together. We get along well and have fun together, even to this day. We have had some issues in the past because of the way we view things (her: more emotional; me: more rational). This has sometimes gotten in the way of communication and decision-making. We have however consulted and progressed on this and i do not think it still represents a major issue in our couple.

When we first met she was she was extremely beautiful, but she was not 100% the type that i am usually attracted to. Even though i did not feel the same level of physical chemistry that i may have felt with some other women, i was still attracted to her.

When we started dating we were in a long distance relationship, as i had been stationed in another state for work. The sex was satisfing when we could see each other. For the first few months of living together, the sex was satisfying, and we had sex about twice per week. After that and for the first 6 years the sex was less frequent (about 3x per month), but was still satisfying. We had some issues with communication which we consulted about and it was resolved. About 5 years ago she was having a decrease in libido due to health issues that she had had, and turned me down more often for sex. For the past 3-4 years, i have not felt sexually attracted to her. During that time we have had sex about 3 times per year, and it was not out of actual attraction, at least on my end. In other words i felt like we had to do it just so that our sex life is not zero, so i forced myself to do it. The more time passes, the less i enjoy the rare sex i have with her. Instead, i am feeling very sexually attracted to other women.

I like to experiment with sex and i am open to trying different things, including being a bit rough and kinky sometimes. She is more conventional. She likes romantic smooth sex and she is uncomfortable outside of that zone.

We went to sex therapy together. We worked on trying to understand what the other one likes and trying to find a middle ground. We tried to spice things up with ideas such as vacation getaways, romance, using lingerie, accessories, etc... All things that were within her range of comfort. The success was limited. I am still not attracted to her. I know i have to focus on things that i find attractive on her instead of focusing on more negative aspects. I have tried that. The problem is that i do not find anything sexually attractive about her. I also tried to focus on the things i generally like about her as a spouse, but it did not get me sexually aroused. I tried to remember the early days of our relationship but it did not get me sexually aroused either. 

She exercises moderately and still looks good compared to most women her age, but her body has aged over time. I understand it is not her fault. I try not to focus on the extra pounds and the wrinkles, but i cannot help that i no longer find her sexually attractive. 

She does not complain about the sex, and she does not bring it up if i don't. As long as we still have some cuddling and kissing and these few episodes of sex she is happy with it. If i wanted to have sex more often she would be willing to as long as we find the right times during the week, but if not she is fine with it too. She says that she loves me a lot and seems very emotionally attached to me. 

When she tells me she loves me i respond that i do too, but honestly i am uncomforatble when she says it lately. The truth i do not know whether the way i feel about her is "romantic love". I find romantic love is hard to define and identify. I do enjoy her presence. I find her cute. I would not want bad things to happen to her. But as i said, i am not sexually attracted to her. I do not feel butterflies with her, but i know that is normal after 11 years. If i am not with her, i do not think i really miss her. If she were to disappear from my life, i think it would probably have the same emotional effect on me as if i lost a friend, but not more. It all sounds pretty sad the way i say this, but maybe this is just because the way i am (not very emotional), and maybe it has nothing to do with her. In other words, maybe i would feel like this with any woman after 11 years? Also, maybe the lack of sexual attraction impacts negatively the love feeling, or maybe it is the other way around.

I woud like to stay with her because we have good compatibility outside of the bedroom. She generally has a lot of the qualities i look for in a woman. I know from experience that a woman with all these qualities is hard to find. Despite the sex, i find she is a good catch, and i am afraid that if i leave and start a relationship with another woman, the same thing may happen over the years and i may be in the same position or worse than i am now. I know it sounds more like a business decision than emotion, but i have to be honest and say what i really think.

We have pretty much exhausted all avenues in trying to have sex together. I now have little hope that it could work between us sexually.

I know i would be capable of seeing another woman on a regular basis just for sex and not fall for her. That is just my personality. I have tried to raise the option of an open relationship for both members of the couple, but she is not willing to go for that. She would be too jealous. Sometimes i think i should just get a mistress or see prostitutes for sex, but i do not want to hurt my girlfriend if she were to find out, not to mention the other problems it might bring. Perhaps i am being ovely cautious. Perhaps i should just do like a lot of people, which is to cheat, be careful about not getting caught, and then if i do get caught make a big scene and say that i'm really sorry, etc. Maybe i am being too honest and by the book about this?

I know it will devastate my girfiend if i leave her. I find that sex is a strange reason for leaving someone with whom you are otherwise compatible, and with whom you have built a life history. There has got to be another way.

Perhaps plastic surgery to make her look like a twenty-something again might help? I know i am being shallow, but i am sorry i have no control over what does or does no turn me on...

Thank you for offering your advice.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Google the term 'coolidge effect'

You can work to counteract it and keep the loving feelings going.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

She sounds like the "cool roommate" that you used to be in love with.

People do fall out of love & sadly it appears from your post, that you have. It seem like more than "no more sexual attraction." Think about very elderly couples who may no longer be sexually attracted to each other & cannot even have sex, but are still deeply in love.

My advice would be not to cheat, be honest & kind about your feelings & leave.

She will be heartbroken at first of course but most people with healthy self-esteem & self-respect would not want to be with someone who is not sexually attracted to them and/or no longer in love with them. She deserves better.





You both deserve to be happy.


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## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Well firstly your needs are important too, sometimes you can turn into friends rather than keep that feeling of romanticism going. A lot of people accept that and keep going because they feel they said they would is more important than its not really working out. 

It does puzzle me though, I know physical attractiveness is important of course you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone. But the whole reason people call it shallow is because it's something that often changes and therefore can be a fruitless thing to place a lot of emphasises on. 

And that would be a bit unfair if she went and made herself all 20 something looking and your still all 40 something looking ( not that there's anything wrong with that), I hate pointing out typical gender tendencies but she's probably more emotively sexual , which I've personally never got myself but even still I think sexual chemistry is far more important and consistent than physical appearance. If physical appearance is so very important to you, your probably not cut out for a lifer, I mean you both aren't gonna get any younger looking.

Personally I think if a good looking person does it for you your pretty easily pleased. There's plenty of good looking people I've been with who were a bit like having mattress mambo with a sack of potatoes. Obviously it's important but sexual chemistry always controls the whole spin on things.

Is she really compatible for you sexually? Then you have to decide what you want most right now, keeping in mind sex is extremely healthy.

I think the best thing to do as well is relax, don't over think it, accept what you want and need and you'll know what to do when the time comes.


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## LoveYourself (Aug 19, 2012)

Emerald said:


> My advice would be not to cheat, be honest & kind about your feelings & leave.
> 
> She will be heartbroken at first of course but most people with healthy self-esteem & self-respect would not want to be with someone who is not sexually attracted to them and/or no longer in love with them. She deserves better.
> 
> ...


Also , this!


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