# controlling husband



## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi all,

First post here. Not even sure where to start so here goes.

I have been married for 27 years. I am attractive, do a tremendous amount of volunteering, am prominent in the community all while taking care of the house and my husbands needs. I am a good person. 

My husband who is also prominent in the community is a millionaire. I have nothing. I worked a six figure salary until a horrible accident that I have recovered from but have never been able to return. 

My husband controls everything and I mean everything. I have no idea where the money is or the stock portfolio or how many accounts he has. I do know there are many. He also has a huge trust in which his father makes large distributions to him and his brothers every year. Upon his death, the trust is distributed between the 3 of them. Spouses and grandchildren are not included.

I do not see tax returns, (my electronic signature is on file) he gives me a small amount of money for food each week which I am expected to also pay the cell phone bills, put gas in the vehicle I drive, (he owns). Any car I have owned has been repossessed because he refused to make the small payment on it. He does not allow me to have a credit card, (he used to and I never put much on it). I have to beg for money to get my hair cut. He comes with me if I need clothes. The stress has made me lose a lot of weight and lack of funds to feed us both. Went from a size 8 to a size 2.

He plays golf when he feels like it, never answers the phone when I call, does not buy me gifts for holidays, birthdays, etc. All decisions regarding anything are made by him. I am left feeing totally unimportant.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

One word. Lawyer. Why would you want to be married to a person like that?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Going to have to echo that. Lawyer up. Why live life with someone like that?? 

You're left feeling unimportant because the man has zero respect for you or for the partnership that is marriage.

What have you done to make him see what he's doing is unfair?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He is not only controlling, he sounds cheap. 27 years is a lifetime to be putting up with it. When you bring up your concerns what is his response?


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## Nextlife (Mar 16, 2014)

I got upset reading this.. He is controlling and yes seems cheap.

my husband is wealthy also we live in a mansion, we have nice things.. HOWEVER, I know all about our money. Notice I said OUR money. My name is on everything. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I'm a SAHM and that is my job. I can go to the bank when I want, but I never abuse or go crazy. I know we have bills to pay so I am aware of what we need. 

We go out to dinner, he buys me beautiful things etc. He is always generous etc. 

Yes "control" as far as he "makes" the money so he needs to address what needs to be spent and why and where, but If I need money for whatever, he will give it to me or I take it. 

I find your situation extremely controlling because if he wasn't a millionaire … he wouldn't have anything to say right? 

Did you marry him for money? Be honest and did you sign any pre-nup?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I'm not a lawyer but I think, since you are married to him, you do not have nothing, under the law. More likely about half of what he has is yours, in effect.

With that chit in your hip pocket, what would happen if you just asserted yourself? Why even bother being diplomatic in fact? Just tell him your tired of all the mystery regarding the "family's income" and you want two things:

1. You want to examine every piece of paper indicating sources of income and assets. Why? Because it is your business and right to know. And maybe you're just curious, and you are not asking permission, you're telling him what you want.

2. You want an account opened that you can draw from directly, because you're fed up with how things are being done right now.

And you just reiterate, as needed, that # 1 and 2 are not 'debate topics' they are what you want and expect to get. And no matter what he says or how perturbed he gets, don't back down.


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## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Nextlife said:


> I got upset reading this.. He is controlling and yes seems cheap.
> 
> Did you marry him for money? Be honest and did you sign any pre-nup?


Oh my gosh no. He didn't have money when I married him. He is a self made millionaire. His daddy has money. Never any gifts from him either for holidays or birthday. Only yearly distribution from trust but not for me, only him. I knew he would most likely outlive me. Yes my husband is beyond cheap just like his dad.

I actually made more money when we were married and I shared, he did not.

Yes, my problem is that there is a pre-nup in place, however I feel that I am being emotionally and financially abused. He can treat me as badly as he wants since he knows if I left, it would leave him with his real love, MONEY. He cares about nothing else.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

totallyunimportant said:


> Yes, my problem is that there is a pre-nup in place, however I feel that I am being emotionally and financially abused. He can treat me as badly as he wants since he knows if I left, it would leave him with his real love, MONEY. He cares about nothing else.


Personally, I simply would not stay with someone in this kind of situation, money or no money. What you have does not sound like a partnership or a marriage. You can find someone who loves you for you. 

What are the conditions of your pre-nup?

Here is my advice right now:

1. Speak to a lawyer and check the laws of your state. Some state laws override certain elements of prenuptial agreements.

2. Put your foot down. If he won't share his money with you, tell him that regardless of the prenuptial contract, a divorce will still be more expensive than simply giving you enough access to the bank accounts to get your haircut, for heaven's sakes. 

3. Finally, even if the pre-nup is ironclad and gives you nothing at all, you still have one powerful bargaining chip. *STOP AUTO-SIGNING YOUR TAX RETURNS UNTIL YOU GET TO SEE THEM!!!!!!!* You have a right to see what your husband has been claiming on his returns, because your signature makes *YOU* equally liable for fines or *prison* if he's been cheating on his taxes. If he continues to use your signature on file, call the IRS and tell them you didn't sign the return and they will have to reject it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

TU,
Sounds pretty awful. 

- How long have you been married?
- Any kids with him or from prior relationships ?
- Have you showed the pre nup to a lawyer? If it's crazily one sided, it is likely not enforceable.







totallyunimportant said:


> Oh my gosh no. He didn't have money when I married him. He is a self made millionaire. His daddy has money. Never any gifts from him either for holidays or birthday. Only yearly distribution from trust but not for me, only him. I knew he would most likely outlive me. Yes my husband is beyond cheap just like his dad.
> 
> I actually made more money when we were married and I shared, he did not.
> 
> Yes, my problem is that there is a pre-nup in place, however I feel that I am being emotionally and financially abused. He can treat me as badly as he wants since he knows if I left, it would leave him with his real love, MONEY. He cares about nothing else.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

totallyunimportant said:


> Oh my gosh no. He didn't have money when I married him. He is a self made millionaire. His daddy has money. Never any gifts from him either for holidays or birthday. Only yearly distribution from trust but not for me, only him. I knew he would most likely outlive me. Yes my husband is beyond cheap just like his dad.
> 
> I actually made more money when we were married and I shared, he did not.
> 
> ...


Totally
I'm a little confused. Your H had no $$ when you married but there is a prenup in place? You mean the prenup is regarding his dads money I assume. The Millions your H made during the marriage - those are joint assets..aren't they?


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## theorydo (Mar 17, 2014)

I can go to the bank when I want, but I never abuse or go crazy.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I'm some where in between the circumstances of totallyunimportant and Nextlife. My husband isn't a millionaire by any means, but makes a high income. I've always worked at least part time. So he is the one supporting us, and I contribute a small amount. He spends his money on things and is also extremely materialistic. But I have access to the accounts and can see bills and whatnot. Also my name is on this house as well as his. I spend very little, being the opposite of materialistic, and probably make enough to pay for most of my personal things (clothes, haircuts, shampoo etc) but since our money all goes to the same place he makes me feel guilty whenever I spend something, I would say outside of grocery and the dogs but even that's not always true. He's made more money recently in the last few years, and with it came changes in our relationship that were negative.

So, totallyunimportant, you say you have been married 27 years. Has it always been this way? Or were things more balanced and happy in the beginning? Or id it change when you stopped working? These answers could bring some clues into whats happening, or even what you should do. I somewhat can feel your pain, I am very sorry you feel this way. Hugs.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

How many lives do you have? One.

Whether or not you fight for money in court is beside the point to me. Divorce and move on.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OP's husband reminds me of Scrooge Mc Duck.

Sad truth is, I've seen men like that, in real life.


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## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice. 27 years is a long time dealing with this.

I haven't seen the pre-nup since it was signed. I know it was filed in another state where we were living at the time. I will search for it. He keeps "his" stuff hidden, but I'm pretty sure I can find it when he goes to his other office out of state. That will be next Tuesday.

I know I need to do something. It has made me physically ill and will continue to do so unless I do something about it. 

I'm so stressed out you can't even imagine.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

totallyunimportant said:


> Thank you all for your advice. 27 years is a long time dealing with this.
> 
> I haven't seen the pre-nup since it was signed. I know it was filed in another state where we were living at the time. I will search for it. He keeps "his" stuff hidden, but I'm pretty sure I can find it when he goes to his other office out of state. That will be next Tuesday.
> 
> ...


After 27 years I would be shocked if the pre-nup was even worth anything as far as protecting his assets go. I always thought if you truly want to protect assets after that many years you'd need to do a post-nup. 

You do need to do something before the stress of this causes major health issues for you. If he's wealthy you can be assured you will get your share of the marital assets and you'll be just fine. Freedom isn't something to fear. You've been living in a cage for 27 years hon,time to bust out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

It's funny that this topic came up when it did. In another thread we were talking about how materialistic some women can be. Your experience is something they need to understand. Often I hear the scenario where a woman married a wealthy guy and then gets treated like an object. They can go hand in hand.

Sorry for your experience. I hope you can find a nice man in the future.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> After 27 years I would be shocked if the pre-nup was even worth anything as far as protecting his assets go. I always thought if you truly want to protect assets after that many years you'd need to do a post-nup.
> 
> You do need to do something before the stress of this causes major health issues for you. If he's wealthy you can be assured you will get your share of the marital assets and you'll be just fine. Freedom isn't something to fear. You've been living in a cage for 27 years hon,time to bust out.


Through my research it seems the only thing protected would be what ever accounts they had when they were married. whatever wealth they grew together over the last 27 years should still be open for splitting.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> It's funny that this topic came up when it did. In another thread we were talking about how materialistic some women can be. Your experience is something they need to understand. Often I hear the scenario where a woman married a wealthy guy and then gets treated like an object. They can go hand in hand.
> 
> Sorry for your experience. I hope you can find a nice man in the future.


It's a miserable existence that isn't worth all the money in the world.Been there,done that.So scarred by the experience that if my worst enemy came to me and said she was marrying a super rich guy I'd tell her to run as fast as she can away from him.


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## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Through my research it seems the only thing protected would be what ever accounts they had when they were married. whatever wealth they grew together over the last 27 years should still be open for splitting.


We have never had a joint account


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

totallyunimportant said:


> We have never had a joint account


I'm no lawyer but I'm not sure if that matters. From what I understood of my own divorce,whatever money he made after the wedding was marital money that was split 50/50.Even though I declined my half when I left him I was still legally entitled to half of all things acquired after the wedding regardless of my name being on it or not. They'll ask him for tax returns,retirement accounts,etc.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

totallyunimportant said:


> We have never had a joint account


Scarlet is correct, it doesn't matter if the accounts were all yours, his or joint. Normally pre-nups can only cover what a spouse owned at the start of the marriage, everything else created since then is 50/50.

And once again, I STRONGLY advise you not to sign the tax return unless you've seen it. If your husband has already filed taxes this year, I recommend you call your husband's tax specialist and say it was signed without your consent. If they don't show you, then call the IRS. If you both get audited by the IRS and they find tax fraud, you can't claim you didn't know and use that as a defense.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Lawyer up and do not tip your hand because if you guy you call a husband finds out you are likely to be screwed for a long time if not indefinitely. This is the type of guy who could likely show a zero balance sheet if push came to shove.

What a miserable prick.


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## Redpill (Mar 20, 2014)

*LOL* at the sisterhood telling her to lawyer up. 

Time to have big daddy gubberment step in and take half of everything he's  worked for and hand it over to his wife.

You say you have recovered, why do you not get a job? Because it won't pay six-figures? You can even start at something low-level if you need to. You're obviously not contributing financially to the household. He's *not* your bank.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

totallyunimportant said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I have been married for 27 years. I am attractive, do a tremendous amount of volunteering, am prominent in the community *all while taking care of the house and my husbands needs. *I am a good person.


Why are you taking care of his needs while he treats you so poorly? 

You've gotten some good advice here. Meet with a lawyer and see what your options are. You've got a lot of living left to do; don't waste in this prison of a marriage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

totallyunimportant said:


> I worked a six figure salary until a horrible accident that I have recovered from but have never been able to return.


You mean you have never been able to return to work or the six figure salary? Are you able to work? If you are unable to work, you could get SSI and your husband would not have to know about it. You could open a separate account and accumulate money until you were able to have something as a cushion when you leave. Otherwise, it would be good for you to go back to work. Being completely reliant on someone who is abusive is not a healthy way to live.


Theseus said:


> 3. Finally, even if the pre-nup is ironclad and gives you nothing at all, you still have one powerful bargaining chip. *STOP AUTO-SIGNING YOUR TAX RETURNS UNTIL YOU GET TO SEE THEM!!!!!!!* You have a right to see what your husband has been claiming on his returns, because your signature makes *YOU* equally liable for fines or *prison* if he's been cheating on his taxes. If he continues to use your signature on file, call the IRS and tell them you didn't sign the return and they will have to reject it.


This is the first thing that came to my mind. You have personal responsibility here. If you have to sign an tax return, you have money. If you don't have to sign it unless you have money. It is possible that your husband doesn't need your signature at all.
I would not say a word to him. I would see a couple of attorneys for their free consultation and find out what your options are. If you tip your hand, your husband will be able to hide everything. Refusing to sign a tax return could cause things to get even worse. Start looking for an attorney now. Make some appointments and go find out what you can do about this situation.
Does he keep paperwork at home or at the office? You need to have access to your own financial information. Do you live in a community property state?
You can do something about this. He is certainly more powerful than you, but that doesn't mean you are powerless.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

totallyunimportant said:


> I haven't seen the pre-nup since it was signed.


Why not? You should have been given a copy of it when you signed. Did you have legal counsel to represent you in order to understand the totality of the document? 

I understand your stress. But knowledge is power. You signed a legal document. You have every right to review it.

Granted, your husband is controlling. But you have permitted him to control.

Whether you live in an equity state or community property state, it depends on the wording of the pre-nup. Most people naturally think a community property state means a spouse is entitled to 50% of what the other spouse earns during the marriage. Not so if you have a pre-nup that states otherwise.

However ... you have a marriage of longevity. Unless you signed away all rights to spousal maintenance, the guy will have to support you the rest of your life if you walk. 

Basically, that means you have a right to a place to live and other basic necessities of life. You also have an opportunity to get any education and/or training in order to obtain gainful employment.

You survived this for 27 years. I suggest you take this opportunity to quit surviving and start living.

Seek good legal counsel. Get a copy of the pre-nup. And get what the law deems to be rightfully yours.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Redpill said:


> *LOL* at the sisterhood telling her to lawyer up.
> 
> Time to have big daddy gubberment step in and take half of everything he's  worked for and hand it over to his wife.
> 
> You say you have recovered, why do you not get a job? Because it won't pay six-figures? You can even start at something low-level if you need to. You're obviously not contributing financially to the household. He's *not* your bank.


Wow! Hey bud? What made you so bitter? It's time to let go of those demons your carrying around...,

What if thus was you? You stayed at home to run the household, enabling your spouse to have all the time in the world to amass millions. And, in kind, put you in a virtual prison because your spouse never even gave you enough money to buy proper groceries, and even for that you had to beg for it.

You would have put in your sacrifice for 27 years to HELP your spouse make that fortune. Wouldn't you want some return on your own investment?

Oh right! You wouldn't. You'd swallow your pride and work waiting tables because your spouse isn't your bank. Because you obviously aren't contributing financially to the household, even though by staying at home you saved the family literally tens of thousands of dollars in child care and other expenses.

Maybe you should try the blue pill once in a while.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

CynthiaDe said:


> You can do something about this. He is certainly more powerful than you, but that doesn't mean you are powerless.


It's funny how some people, ie. OPs husband, think they are being so clever. There's not really such a thing as "hiding" money, or having "hidden" money. It's all traceable. Particularly when the FEDS get involved. They will rip him a new poop shoot if they suspect fraud on taxes, and won't stop until they uncover anything and everything. Same goes with lawyers, particularly the good ones....or should I say "bad" ones.

OP...I would call the FEDS to get a copy of your tax returns. They are yours. My spider sense tells me you made "tons" of money since you've been a stay at home. Particularly, enough to reduce your husbands claims by a favourable amount.

Well, now you are NOT powerless. If he didn't actually pay you but claimed he did....that's tax fraud. See paragraph one above...


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

totallyunimportant said:


> Oh my gosh no. He didn't have money when I married him. He is a self made millionaire. His daddy has money. Never any gifts from him either for holidays or birthday. Only yearly distribution from trust but not for me, only him. I knew he would most likely outlive me. Yes my husband is beyond cheap just like his dad.
> 
> I actually made more money when we were married and I shared, he did not.
> 
> Yes, my problem is that there is a pre-nup in place, however I feel that I am being emotionally and financially abused. He can treat me as badly as he wants since he knows if I left, it would leave him with his real love, MONEY. He cares about nothing else.


I really doubt that the pre-nup will be effective 27 years after the marriage. Go see a lawyer.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Fenix said:


> I really doubt that the pre-nup will be effective 27 years after the marriage. Go see a lawyer.


Actually....his love of money and hubris may be his own downfall. If, in fact, he did claim that the wife made money when she didn't, any lawyer worth their salt would have a heyday with that. 

Lawyer.."look. You obviously partook in tax fraud..,using your wife's name unsuspectingly. We want 5 million in a bank account next week, in your wife's name...or perhaps you'd like to deal with the FEDS, and possibly some jail time to boot."

OP....this is hypothetical. Don't take this as advise. I'm just having some daydreams about karma buses running over your husband. You need to find a real lawyer to help you out with this...

Time to 'woman up" and take back control. Right now, your in a virtual prison.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Redpill said:


> *LOL* at the sisterhood telling her to lawyer up.
> 
> Time to have big daddy gubberment step in and take half of everything he's  worked for and hand it over to his wife.
> 
> You say you have recovered, why do you not get a job? Because it won't pay six-figures? You can even start at something low-level if you need to. You're obviously not contributing financially to the household. He's *not* your bank.


Oh please,there are men here telling her to lawyer up as well.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Redpill said:


> *LOL* at the sisterhood telling her to lawyer up.
> 
> Time to have big daddy gubberment step in and take half of everything he's  worked for and hand it over to his wife.
> 
> You say you have recovered, why do you not get a job? Because it won't pay six-figures? You can even start at something low-level if you need to. You're obviously not contributing financially to the household. He's *not* your bank.


For the record Axelrod I am not part of the Sisterhood however I do love the ladies here and only a knuckle dragger would not be advising the OP to get legal counsel and fast.

By the way he is the bank. Evidently that is the way he set things up. The day of reckoning appears to be nigh at hand and I hope she moves forward wisely and silently so she can get out from under his ignorant thumb.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I assume the prenup was for his DAD's money, correct?

Any money he earns while you're married is yours, too. 

Get the lawyer. Today.

But also start looking for a job.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

totallyunimportant said:


> I do not see tax returns, (my electronic signature is on file)


This is your first itme once you decide to stop this madness. Get a lawyer and send a certified letter to your husband informing him that he does not have your permission to use your electronic signature on any documents. The request copies of all tax returns for the last five years, as well as any other documents that he has used your e-signature on. As a signer, you also can get you tax returns from the IRS.

My fear is that he has used that electronic signature to put you in some bad situations. Figure out where you stand right away.


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## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you for the support. I really needed to hear how abnormal and dysfunctional this is.

For the one recommending I get a job, easier said then done. I wouldn't mind working in a low paying job at all. The problem with that is he would cut off the food money and expect me to pay for it along with what I am paying for out of that money now. IE: Cell phone, vehicle gas. I literally have bare bones now. It would become much worse with a job. A friend and I have opened a business of which we cannot take a paycheck now. As with any new start up, we need to put any money made back into the business to grow it. Surely we do not even know if this will work at this point. So with that said, even though I do go to work and trying desperately to make it work, if he uses the vehicle I use and I ask him to please put gas in it, he says to me, well you're working.

I am not looking for him to be my "sugar daddy". I am looking to feel as though I am important to him, respected and loved. I do not want extravagant things. The things I am talking about are a coffee sometime or that new mascara that came out. I no longer go to the mall to see the new fashions or shoes etc. Why bother? I can't buy anything no matter how inexpensive it may be.

I am an attractive 53 yr old, 5''6" and weigh 117lbs. I do everything I can to keep myself attractive for my self esteem. I will beg for 10 dollars for a box of hair color. If I need shoes, he comes with me to pay for the purchase. BUT, I have to really need them.

I know I need to get my ducks in a row. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else. I'll keep you posted.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

totallyunimportant said:


> I am not looking for him to be my "sugar daddy". I am looking to feel as though I am important to him, respected and loved.


I feel very bad for you. You have been financially and emotionally abused for so long that you are not thinking clearly. I agree with the others to see a lawyer but it doesn't seem to resonate with you and/or maybe you are very scared of your husband.

Do you have any family members that you are close with to confide in? I think you need to forget about starting a business & get any paying job you can find so that you can feed yourself properly before you waste away. 

Please realize that your husband is very abusive & unlikely to change into a man that will "respect & love" you. Once you accept this reality, maybe you will take the steps necessary to support & take care of yourself.


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## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Emerald said:


> I feel very bad for you. You have been financially and emotionally abused for so long that you are not thinking clearly. I agree with the others to see a lawyer but it doesn't seem to resonate with you and/or maybe you are very scared of your husband.
> 
> Do you have any family members that you are close with to confide in? I think you need to forget about starting a business & get any paying job you can find so that you can feed yourself properly before you waste away.
> 
> Please realize that your husband is very abusive & unlikely to change into a man that will "respect & love" you. Once you accept this reality, maybe you will take the steps necessary to support & take care of yourself.


I do realize I am not thinking clearly. That is way I found this site and needed advice/support. I have read all over the internet the signs of emotional and financial abuse. Yes, I fall into the category. My husband is in a position of power, I know that. He is charming, handsome and well liked by many. On the outside looking in, all appears to be the perfect life.

Afraid? Perhaps. I do walk on egg shells. He has never been physically abusive and I have no reason to believe he ever will.

He has made me feel worthless frequently. This is my fault. I have allowed it.

He is golfing now and I plan to spend some time on the beach today. (Florida residents) I need to clear my head and find some courage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the library and get this book. Read it asap.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How in the world have you managed to live with that pos for 27 years? You didn't say if you have children, if you do, enlist their help. Even if you are intending to get the hell out of Dodge, at least he'll be recognized for the jerk he is.

Don't worry about another woman snatching him up - not another woman on earth would tolerate his crap.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are waking up. You have been in survival mode for so long, but you are finally waking up to the reality of your situation. The fact that you are starting a business with a friend is terrific. I hope it takes off for you.
Now is the time for you to start working on growing in your own life until you are able to either stand up for yourself or leave.
Have you seen an attorney yet?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another thing you need to do is start telling people the truth. Are your parents around? Start with them, or siblings, or a good friend. You need someone who knows the truth, so you have some backup, some help believing in yourself.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

turnera said:


> Another thing you need to do is start telling people the truth. Are your parents around? Start with them, or siblings, or a good friend. You need someone who knows the truth, so you have some backup, some help believing in yourself.


Yes, this is very important. Truth brings freedom. This doesn't mean going around telling everyone how awful, controlling and (fill in the blank) your husband is, but it does mean not trying to make things look like something they are not. It means living your life as it is and not being ashamed or trying to cover up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My biggest regret was not telling my mom the truth about my husband. I didn't tell her until I'd been married 30+ years. Sadly, she knew. But she assumed that, since I didn't say anything, she wasn't allowed to bring it up, either. Don't be like me. People want to help you; let them.


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## OptimisticPessimist (Jul 26, 2010)

I have to mention I wonder what isnt being said, because this seems so fantastically sad and tragic that I almost cant believe it. I have always believed there is two sides to every story and the truth generally lies somewhere in the middle.

But I mean damn.. If its true, this was a womans LIFE. Her one chance to walk around this rock spinning around the sun. If he seriously has done all of these things, I dont know how you can have any respect for him as a human being regardless of what he does for a living.

He has literally CONSUMED another person's life for his own benefit. He is essentially guilty of emotional slavery. What a prick...

Again, we rarely hear the other side of the story, so not to offend the OP but I will hold a certain amount of suspicion.

If it is true (which only the OP can truly know)? Divorce. Hand him papers and make the most of what life you have left.. Just wow..


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

totallyunimportant said:


> Oh my gosh no. He didn't have money when I married him. He is a self made millionaire. His daddy has money. Never any gifts from him either for holidays or birthday. Only yearly distribution from trust but not for me, only him. I knew he would most likely outlive me. Yes my husband is beyond cheap just like his dad.
> 
> I actually made more money when we were married and I shared, he did not.
> 
> Yes, my problem is that there is a pre-nup in place, however I feel that I am being emotionally and financially abused. He can treat me as badly as he wants since he knows if I left, it would leave him with his real love, MONEY. He cares about nothing else.


Two word - Community Property.

Not sure about where you live, but in most places, "his" wealth is also yours!

Like the others have said - lawyer up, lady. Pre-nups are by and large about the individual finances going in. The wealth accumulated afterwards is pretty much always community property.

One other thing that comes to mind - he is selfish!

Maybe he doesn't know how well he has it. Maybe he should find out!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

turnera said:


> I assume the prenup was for his DAD's money, correct?
> 
> Any money he earns while you're married is yours, too.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

YES!!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

totallyunimportant said:


> We have never had a joint account


That doesn't mean anything. Joint accounts are only granting "access" to the money. the actual "ownership" of what is MOST likely community property is what matters.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, whatever he's earned since you married will be split 50/50 and every lawyer knows it. You just need to go find one tomorrow. Promise me you will, ok?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

totallyunimportant said:


> Oh my gosh no. He didn't have money when I married him. He is a self made millionaire. His daddy has money. Never any gifts from him either for holidays or birthday. Only yearly distribution from trust but not for me, only him. I knew he would most likely outlive me. Yes my husband is beyond cheap just like his dad.
> 
> I actually made more money when we were married and I shared, he did not.
> 
> Yes, my problem is that there is a pre-nup in place, however I feel that I am being emotionally and financially abused. He can treat me as badly as he wants since he knows if I left, it would leave him with his real love, MONEY. He cares about nothing else.


Pre-nups mean nothing if found to unreasonable by the court. Many times pre-nups are used to protect certain assets BEFORE the marriage like trusts, property or money going to children from previous marriages. Because of the length of your marriage, I would recommend you speak to an experienced attorney and see if they can work something out. Your husband has a lot to lose here as most states would consider all assets accumulated during the marriage as community property. If you live in California your husband would need a truck full of KY just to get your lawyer out of his ass. Lawyer up.


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## totallyunimportant (Mar 17, 2014)

Just to make it clear. I have no motives here. I came here because I am desperate. I do not want pity. I have lived this for a very long time and don't think I can live it any longer. I was not sure if this is something that could be fixed. I had hopes it could. 

Our children are 2 beautiful women. 26 and 29. They are my world. They know what I go through as does my mom. They are supportive. I am a fixer by nature. However, I do believe I need to consult an attorney. I will have the chance to get documents together as I will be alone this week.

What you have done for me is confirm this is not fixable and will not get better.

The last thing I wanted to do was come on a forum and post my living nightmare. It is daily that tears come to my eyes and now it is time to think about me and my emotional and physical wellness.

I'll let you know what I find out in hope that I may be able to help someone else going through similar circumstances.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

tu, just think of the life you're going to get to live, once you are rid of this scum. Go wherever you want, spend whatever you want (and you WILL get half of all he has earned), never worry about answering to anyone again, see your girls as often as you want (in between your vacations to the Bahamas and Europe and Alaska, lol)...

My mom kicked my dad out when she was about 35, after she caught him cheating. He went out to sow his oats, realized no hot young 20s would take him, and came back crawling. She said no way! She'd spent her whole marriage trying to please that selfish SOB and nothing was ever good enough! She was single the rest of her life, by choice, and said she would never have changed a thing.

I'm just telling you that to show you that, no matter how the rest of your life turns out, you are capable of being happy.

And personally, I daydream regularly about being single.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

totallyunimportant said:


> What you have done for me is confirm this is not fixable and will not get better.


Is it possible that your husband is a decent person deep down, and on some warped level, he thinks he is doing you a favor by being thrifty and saving for his family? Does he spend a lot of money on himself?

I'm asking that because if he thinks that way, then maybe your marriage can be salvaged through marriage counseling rather than dumping him altogether. 

If so, then, I STRONGLY recommend that after consulting a lawyer, you call on a marriage counselor before you draw up any divorce papers.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The thing is, if you let him know what you are up to, he may hide assets. First find out everything you can to take to the attorney this week. You could file for divorce and do whatever is necessary to find assets before they disappear. If he seems to want to resolve the issues in the marriage, then you could set some serious boundaries financially and set up marriage counseling. He needs to see that you mean business and that you are prepared to stand up for yourself.
You have been caring for your husband for years. He is treating you as less than a servant. Servants get paid for their work. You simple have the basic necessities in exchange for caring for his home and cooking for him. That's really an unbalanced relationship.
It is going to be hard as the reality of your situation becomes more clear. You are coming out of denial and into the truth of what you have been living under, but you can do this. You will probably feel much better after you have been to an attorney and have a good idea of what your rights are. If your husband has a business, he would have to buy you out, because it is half yours. You have been there to support him and raise your children while he has been able to solely focus on the business. Now it's your turn to reap the benefit of your union.


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