# How do ladies see divorced fathers?



## zillard

Wondering how single ladies out there are going to view a divorced man who is primary custodial parent to early elementary age daughter? 

Oh how sweet? 

WTF did he do to drive her away?

Wow, his picker is broken!?

How could he take her away from her mom?


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## Lon

If you are the primary parent it means you will garner sympathy. No mom leaves her child in the primary care of the father and no court awards primary custody to the father unless she is crazy and/or certifiably so.

Now if you are co-parenting, with shared custody, you will not garner sympathy, but you will not be disrespected, atleast not by people whom matter.

However if you are looking to use your parental status to attract women (and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that - I try to do it with my own son  was easier when he was a baby instead of a fierce 5 year old) that only goes so far, you still need to be rocking some good style and social skills.


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## zillard

I will be primary parent with stbxw out of state. Not so much lookin to use D6 as a hook, moreso tryin to see if situation will be seen as a negative. 

Not worried about style!  skills, yeah. Been out of the game for a decade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ano

If anything its more attractive that you have accepted the responsibility of your child as the primary parent. I think it will definitely earn you extra points with the ladies!


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## that_girl

I dated a man with a child. Divorced. He was great. I loved his child. But....his ex wife was INSANE and the way he would bow down to her so he wouldn't get yelled at was unattractive and I lost all respect.


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## zillard

that_girl said:


> I dated a man with a child. Divorced. He was great. I loved his child. But....his ex wife was INSANE and the way he would bow down to her so he wouldn't get yelled at was unattractive and I lost all respect.


That shouldn't be a problem. She's wacky but not THAT wacky - and knows D6 will be better off with me and my extended family. She will have parenting time (joint legal) but only as much as she can afford to travel out of state, which won't be much. Then she'll have D6 for a few weeks in the summer in her state, but only until her PTO runs out (she doesn't trust babysitters).

I won't rugsweep after her A, hence the split. She's unwilling to do the work to rebuild M... so I'm gone with DD! Consent decree done and notarized.


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## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> Wondering how single ladies out there are going to view a divorced man who is primary custodial parent to early elementary age daughter?


Don't take this the wrong way but if I met a guy who had primary custody of a young child I'd say "goodbye" and run away fast. I'm done dealing with young children. 

I've raised two kids of my own and don't want to be involved in the family life of anyone I date..at all. I don't want to deal with the kids, his parents or any of his relatives. Been there, done that and hated every minute of it. 

I have no problem with someone who keeps his family life separate but don't expect me to get involved with it. 

I guess I'm looking for a childless man who is an orphan. 

I commend you for being there and taking care of your daughter. She's going to need you a lot in the coming years. I'm sure I'm in the minority and most woman would be good with you. It's harder for women with kids because a lot of men probably feel like I do.


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## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> Don't take this the wrong way but if I met a guy who had primary custody of a young child I'd say "goodbye" and run away fast. I'm done dealing with young children.
> 
> I've raised two kids of my own and don't want to be involved in the family life of anyone I date..at all. I don't want to deal with the kids, his parents or any of his relatives. Been there, done that and hated every minute of it.
> 
> I have no problem with someone who keeps his family life separate but don't expect me to get involved with it.
> 
> I guess I'm looking for a childless man who is an orphan.
> 
> I commend you for being there and taking care of your daughter. She's going to need you a lot in the coming years. I'm sure I'm in the minority and most woman would be good with you. It's harder for women with kids because a lot of men probably feel like I do.


Not offended at all! I appreciate your honest response. Isn't that what we're all looking for here? A little honesty?


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## Lon

Freak On a Leash said:


> I have no problem with someone who keeps his family life separate but don't expect me to get involved with it.


Well to be fair, the two women I've had any kind of dating experience with both said the same thing about their kids and agreed with me about mine, yet when I was with my son they still would become upset that I wasn't at their beck and call. The first got insecure and assumed the worst, that I was with other women or something - like I had time for other women I was barely able to make time for her every other weekend and a couple nights in my off week.

The other one understood and decided that the relationship would just have to simmer, and I couldn't handle that so I ended it because it just seemed like there wasn't interest.

A couple almost would be dates with single moms from POF who also coparented never got off the ground because we had opposite schedules and nobody wants to change around an entire schedule just to schedule a meet and greet.

As for childless singles, I am learning it is a rare thing for men and women alike once you get into your late 20's and up. My parents are always disappointed that my brother can't find a good woman who doesn't have kids, but sorry mom he's in his 30's and biology never stopped ticking.


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## Pepper123

It would be a big plus in my book...


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## EleGirl

I had a son from previous marriage and married a guy with primary custody of his 2 children. My son was 10; his children were 10 and 12.

All of the children are in their mid 20's now.

You will find women you react in every way imaginable. Unless you are looking to collect a harem, you are only looking for one. So you just need to find the one woman who is fine with the idea of dating a man with primary custody. You might do best with a woman who also has primary custody of her child(ren).

One kind of woman to watch out for is the type that will ooo and awww all over you child until she thinks she has you hooked. Then we will start competing with your child for your attention and even try to drive your child out of your life. Or at least try to completely destroy your relationship with your son. (Some men do this same thing so this is not a gender bias thing.) 

I suggest that you do some reading up on dating while you have young children, step parenting and even blending families. It’s a mine field. 70% of all second marriages end when there are step children involved.
Something’s to consider is to not introduce any woman to your children until you have been dating for a long time (1 yr or more) and you are sure she is the one. You do not want your children to see one woman after another going through your life and theirs.

Your children will most likely suffer some very hard times since their mother has basically abandoned them. With my step daughter she was suicidal for years, she did cutting, she was determined in your little girl mind to break me and her dad up so that her parents would get back together. My step son tried all kinds of antics as well. 

We are beyond that now, but it took them till they were in their 20’s to come to terms with me being In their lives. They have still not gotten over the trauma of their mother abandoning them. I’m not sure they ever will.

I’m tell you all of this to make the point when there are children involved you need to go into dating and maybe later blending families very, very carefully. It behooves you to learn about how to accomplish this without adding turmoil to the live of your child who is already in turmoil.


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## zillard

Pepper - California, huh? 

Ele - Thank you! Excellent advice. Lovin me some Amazon Prime. Any book suggestions?


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## EleGirl

To get you started..


Dating for Dads: The Single Father's Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly, Paul D. Halpern

The Single Father: A Dad's Guide to Parenting without a Partner (New Father Series)

Stepparenting: Everything You Need to Know to Make it Work, 
Jeannette Lofas


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## zillard

Thank you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> Don't take this the wrong way but if I met a guy who had primary custody of a young child I'd say "goodbye" and run away fast. I'm done dealing with young children.


Out of curiosity, does the age of the children make a difference to you (or anyone else willing to answer)? Or the custody schedule?

My STBXW and I, for example, are aiming for 50/50 joint custody on alternating weeks, and our children are teenagers.

Even having my own kids, I can understand your point of view, Freak. I'm not necessarily against getting into a relationship with a woman who already has kids, but... I don't want to (and can't!) make more, and I'm not especially keen on starting over with young kids again.



Pb.


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## Paradise

This is a great conversation. Most of the ladies I have met and even the ones with kids do not want their partner to have children. I've had two women tell me that the first marriage was for love and the second will be for money. They were not joking. 

I've actually had more luck with the ladies without children than the ones with kids as they see how much I care about my daughter and I think their "kid genes" kick in and think "he'll be a great dad to our kids." lol

But, I've also been told "no way" by several women without children because they don't want that hassle. 

I'll admit, I would rather find someone without children but that would mean dating younger for the most part. Seems there are a lot of professional type ladies out there who do not want kids, however. I'll also admit that I would still love to have another child or two if the right person came along but I don't worry about that. Matter of fact, after going through divorce and the emotional crap that followed I don't worry about much of anything anymore. Definitely changed my outlook on life and relationships.


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## zillard

Pbartender said:


> Even having my own kids, I can understand your point of view, Freak. I'm not necessarily against getting into a relationship with a woman who already has kids, but... I don't want to (and can't!) make more, and I'm not especially keen on starting over with young kids again.


Same boat here PB. The ol' snip snip snipperoo.


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## zillard

Paradise said:


> I'll admit, I would rather find someone without children but that would mean dating younger for the most part. Seems there are a lot of professional type ladies out there who do not want kids, however.


Yeah, that's a wrinkle. I went 5 yrs younger the last time. Not sure I want to do that again. But then again... 5 yrs younger now wouldn't be a 19yo.


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## ScarletBegonias

When I see a man with custody of his child I think How wonderful for him and there should be more great dads out there!

Then I think I'm glad I'm not dating him.


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## zillard

Care to explain why that is, scarlett? Just curious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

zillard said:


> Care to explain why that is, scarlett? Just curious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Scars from wars previously fought 

kidding,sort of.I'll openly admit I cannot handle a relationship with a man who has little ones depending on him.It's a flaw I have that I don't expect anyone to accept or agree with.I'm plainly too selfish with my partner to want to share him with his child's mom or his child.I want my time with him to be all about us and no one else.So rather than put myself through the trouble of attempting to make it work with a man who has children, I stay away from them completely.

The problem isn't them,it's me and how I feel about being in last place.


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## zillard

ScarletBegonias said:


> Scars from wars previously fought
> 
> kidding,sort of.I'll openly admit I cannot handle a relationship with a man who has little ones depending on him.It's a flaw I have that I don't expect anyone to accept or agree with.I'm plainly too selfish with my partner to want to share him with his child's mom or his child.I want my time with him to be all about us and no one else.So rather than put myself through the trouble of attempting to make it work with a man who has children, I stay away from them completely.
> 
> The problem isn't them,it's me and how I feel about being in last place.


Thank you for explaining. The perspective is helpful. I don't see it as a flaw, but a preference. You know what you want and need so why waste time (yours and theirs) with something that doesn't give you that? I can respect that.


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## Pbartender

ScarletBegonias said:


> Scars from wars previously fought
> 
> kidding,sort of.I'll openly admit I cannot handle a relationship with a man who has little ones depending on him.It's a flaw I have that I don't expect anyone to accept or agree with.I'm plainly too selfish with my partner to want to share him with his child's mom or his child.I want my time with him to be all about us and no one else.So rather than put myself through the trouble of attempting to make it work with a man who has children, I stay away from them completely.
> 
> The problem isn't them,it's me and how I feel about being in last place.


Though I don't necessarily agree with it... I've always felt that there's plenty of love to go around for everyone. I've also think that it's not so much about "sharing" as much as making sure you give each person (or group of people) all your love when you're there with them. Personally, the amount of love I have for and show to my kids (or any other relative or friend) has no bearing whatsoever on the love I might have for and show to a significant other.

...I can understand how you could feel that way. And at least you can recognize it and admit it to yourself.



Pb.


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## Paradise

ScarletBegonias said:


> Scars from wars previously fought
> 
> kidding,sort of.I'll openly admit I cannot handle a relationship with a man who has little ones depending on him.It's a flaw I have that I don't expect anyone to accept or agree with.I'm plainly too selfish with my partner to want to share him with his child's mom or his child.I want my time with him to be all about us and no one else.So rather than put myself through the trouble of attempting to make it work with a man who has children, I stay away from them completely.
> 
> The problem isn't them,it's me and how I feel about being in last place.


In my experience you are not in the minority. I think if I was content with just dating a person then I wouldn't care about the "kids" thing because in the end it's just to fulfill a need of mine. But....I still think deep down I have this vision of finding the right partner and getting married and having some kids, etc....I think it's about time to get that out of my system because most likely it's not gonna happen. 

Scarlet, you are right about one thing, though....Any lady that comes into my life right now will take a back seat to my daughter.


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## sayjellybeans

Lon said:


> The first got insecure and assumed the worst, that I was with other women or something - like I had time for other women I was barely able to make time for her every other weekend and a couple nights in my off week.
> 
> The other one understood and decided that the relationship would just have to simmer, and I couldn't handle that so I ended it because it just seemed like there wasn't interest.


So, you needed the first to dial it back and the second to turn it up? Are you certain the second wasn't interested? My first impression is that maybe you needed too much validation. 
If you're taking care of your kid, then a wise, interested woman may indeed give you your space, confident that when you could, you would seek out her company. 
Of course, if the companionship itself is lame, then you have cause for concern.


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## Lon

The second was interested, and I am pretty sure I was trying to get some validation, which is why I was the one unsure if my own interest level was there. It wasn't the same as indecision it was more about being very inexperienced at dating and stumbling through the awkward moments, but having to take things EXTRA SLOW was a big barrier to breaking through all that. So even when it ended with her there was still mutual attraction and interest but the missed opportunity to really connect.


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## sayjellybeans

Lon said:


> The second was interested, and I am pretty sure I was trying to get some validation, which is why I was the one unsure if my own interest level was there. It wasn't the same as indecision it was more about being very inexperienced at dating and stumbling through the awkward moments, but having to take things EXTRA SLOW was a big barrier to breaking through all that. So even when it ended with her there was still mutual attraction and interest but the missed opportunity to really connect.


Oh Lon, I'm sorry. 
I addressed the impression I got from your post because I thought you were OP. I feel bad for giving unsolicited advice. 
I appreciate how self-aware you are, though.


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## unsure78

After my divorce I have preferred dating men with children. I have one son(4), and i actually like having a guy who understands my kid comes first and I dont always have a lot of free time. I am now dating a guy who has 2 kids right around my sons age. I find the mutual respect for time with the children and the ability to relate to lifestyles has been very important. The only thing that has made this difficult has been lack of time together due to schedules, but we do our best.


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## Lon

No worries SJB, I think it all has some relavence to the subject of the thread!


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## staystrong

Someone suggested waiting a year to introduce the romantic partner to the kids? That seems like a really long time.


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## zillard

staystrong said:


> Someone suggested waiting a year to introduce the romantic partner to the kids? That seems like a really long time.


Probably not too long if you want it to succeed. But hard, yeah.


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## ScarletBegonias

staystrong said:


> Someone suggested waiting a year to introduce the romantic partner to the kids? That seems like a really long time.


my rule is 3 months.but then again, my son is older so people with younger more impressionable kids might think waiting longer is better. part of the agreement is we wait at least a year until leaving the child alone with the person we're with though...


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## underwater2010

My first thought would be...what the hell is wrong with his ex that he gets sole custody. As far as dating....Am I willing to deal with the contact that is necessary to raise a kid? I have a lot of respect for single fathers. But I would not want to be introduced until the relationship was very serious.


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## lee101981

Zillard,

As a mother of two great, strong willed girls it says alot to me so see a man taking responsibiliy for there children and not by just sending money. It will show the right women your true colors and show her what is important to you. The right women will see your kids as a blessing and they are an extention of you. If they really like you / love you it wont be and issue, if it is run....


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## sayjellybeans

lee101981 said:


> an extention of you


Exquisitely stated.


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## zillard

lee101981 said:


> Zillard,
> 
> As a mother of two great, strong willed girls it says alot to me so see a man taking responsibiliy for there children and not by just sending money. It will show the right women your true colors and show her what is important to you. The right women will see your kids as a blessing and they are an extention of you. If they really like you / love you it wont be and issue, if it is run....


Thank you.


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## lee101981

I would take a man with a child/ kids then a man without....

You will be surpirsed....I am not the only one....

It really does say alot....Dont be afraid.... 

You will know when the time is right for introductions.. Listen to your gut and relie on it....


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## hope4family

I feel for you. I am to-be single Father now. I do slightly worry about how it will all mesh together. I'm not too worried for my DS1. He will know his Dad always loves him. Worried even less about any future spouse. They WILL get theirs. 

In my mind, the further the distance of your ex-wife. The better for you.


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## lee101981

I wont lie and say that the thought has crossed my mind as well Zillard, seeing how I wont be having anymore babies of my own. I know that will be an issue for some of the men out there as well....


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## hope4family

lee101981 said:


> I wont lie and say that the thought has crossed my mind as well Zillard, seeing how I wont be having anymore babies of my own. I know that will be an issue for some of the men out there as well....


Not really. I already got mine.  I am REALLY young so I dont like having my options closed. But if its the right woman. It isn't a deal breaker.


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## lee101981

so how young?


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## hope4family

28, ok so maybe not so young. But there is a lot of time in my mind.


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## zillard

Yeah, I already have my D6 too. Light of my life. I know ol sniperoo may be an issue for some younger women without any. But I come from a HUGE family so not opposed to more if she were to bring her own into it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981

I agree!!! I feel younger than I am....


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## zillard

33 here. Not too far ahead of you Hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981

31 
2 daughters 4 and 7
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

Obviously from the replies it depends on the woman and the situation. For most women it won't be an issue at all, especially since there is little drama with the ex.

I only have a D13 and having only one child seems a bit beneficial in the dating world. But I didn't have her until I was almost 31 and it appears most men my age have kids in highschool, college, or are even grandparents at 45. They want the spontaneity of going away for weekends and being available week nights, which I am not.

Personally I'd welcome other children. I wished I had more than one but I could see my marriage falling apart so adding another child seems irresponsible. I've thought about foster care but I know I would get too attached and giving them up would be heartbreak. But I'd love it if I met someone with kids.


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## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> Well to be fair, the two women I've had any kind of dating experience with both said the same thing about their kids and agreed with me about mine, yet when I was with my son they still would become upset that I wasn't at their beck and call. The first got insecure and assumed the worst, that I was with other women or something - like I had time for other women I was barely able to make time for her every other weekend and a couple nights in my off week.
> 
> The other one understood and decided that the relationship would just have to simmer, and I couldn't handle that so I ended it because it just seemed like there wasn't interest.


Ah, these forums are full of posts like this. In a relationship you often get people who are just like that, not just about kids but if you want to engage in some time with friends, hobbies, etc, you get the whining and guilt trips. Ugh. 

That wouldn't work for me. I spend a lot of quality time with my kids and expect to do that all my life. I'm very close with my kids. I don't necessarily want or expect an SO to become part of that but I do be able to spend time away from someone without being hassled or guilted, whether it be with my family, friends or engaging in my hobbies. I'm one to take long trips on my own. I need my "alone time". Anyone who can't handle that and NOT give me a hard time is not for me. 

MY STBX started guilting me about stuff in recent years, whether it was playing my game on the computer or going away to do something and that contributed to my emotional break with him. I hate clingy people, so that's a deal breaker big time. 

Conversely I do not want to HAVE to get involved in someone else's family life. I don't want to be expected to take someone else's child on a day trip or become a candidate for a replacement mother or have to spend holidays with someone else's family. I've always been like this, that's why I was never a good candidate for marriage.


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## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> Out of curiosity, does the age of the children make a difference to you (or anyone else willing to answer)? Or the custody schedule?
> 
> My STBXW and I, for example, are aiming for 50/50 joint custody on alternating weeks, and our children are teenagers.
> 
> Even having my own kids, I can understand your point of view, Freak. I'm not necessarily against getting into a relationship with a woman who already has kids, but... I don't want to (and can't!) make more, and I'm not especially keen on starting over with young kids again.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


I'd prefer if the SO's kids were older and on their own. My son is a teenager (15) and my daughter is a freshman in college (18). She's basically on her own. My son is a great kid and he lives with me and is doesn't have any real issues but I know a lot of teenagers can be a real handful. 

I have a friend who married a man with teens and she stepped into a real nightmare with those kids, drugs, bad behavior, an ex wife who was a horrible mother and one of them ended up moving in with them and disrupting their lives big time. All the problems eventually killed her marriage after putting up with some horrible abuse from her ex and his kids. 

I wouldn't chance it. If a man has adult children who aren't living with him that'd be cool but don't expect me to get involved with them (ie, going to family events). I'm not into that at all. 

I just want to date the PERSON, not his his whole family. You want to hang out with them on your own, that's fine. I'll go camping and hiking or stay home and play WoW or something.


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## Pbartender

EnjoliWoman said:


> But I didn't have her until I was almost 31 and it appears most men my age have kids in highschool, college, or are even grandparents at 45.


Heh... I'm 36 and I have a 14 years old son and a 13 year old daughter. And yeah, I love them both to pieces, but I'm looking forward to having them out of the house by the time I'm 40-ish.

Around here in my neck of the woods, it feels just the opposite... Everyone my age has very young kids.



Pb.


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## Pbartender

Freak On a Leash said:


> I just want to date the PERSON, not his his whole family. You want to hang out with them on your own, that's fine. I'll go camping and hiking or stay home and play WoW or something.


I can grok that... A lot of it depends on the kids and their relationship with the parent.

I know that from the other side of things, I sort of feel the same, in a way. Once our divorce goes through, I'm not certain how comfortable I'll be dating right in front of my kids just yet. At least to begin with, I think I'd want to keep kid-family time separate from dating/girlfriend time. Neither will get ALL my time, but when I'm there, they should get ALL my attention.

I guess that'd be one of the advantages of split custody... The schedule would make it a lot easier to keep things distinct, if you wanted to.



Pb.


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## lee101981

I am sure that this might come across as wierd but once I met the kids, I would want to meet there mother. As a mother of two daughters I would like to know who my children are spending time with. I would want to know about the other person, and what the intentions are along with expectations. Not friends but would like all to be on the same page as far as the kids are concerned


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Honestly, I know a single dad with shared custody and when he sends me photos of his girls and says he's cooking them dinner, I kind of wish I belonged to the household. Really, it is all about attitude. You can either end up being desperate and clueless, or you can be on top of your game and absolutely rock. Or, you can be somewhere in between...which is fine. Honestly, I am a single mom, I have my kids during the school weeks and sometimes weekends and holidays, and sometimes I am on top of my game, and sometimes I wonder what the heck I was thinking, having kids! (And I scratch my head wondering how do I go to school and pull A's and have time for work which goes along just fine and also have time to get out for fencing and dance lessons, let alone grocery shopping and exercise and even dating....) Most people with kids just muddle along, trading off one thing for another and hoping to enjoy their kids enough before they grow up.


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## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> I know that from the other side of things, I sort of feel the same, in a way. Once our divorce goes through, I'm not certain how comfortable I'll be dating right in front of my kids just yet. At least to begin with, I think I'd want to keep kid-family time separate from dating/girlfriend time. Neither will get ALL my time, but when I'm there, they should get ALL my attention.
> 
> I guess that'd be one of the advantages of split custody... The schedule would make it a lot easier to keep things distinct, if you wanted to.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.


When I do date I will be keeping it under wraps. No strange men will be hanging out in my apartment with me. My daughter says she'd love to see me find someone who would make me happy but I'm not sure how my son would react. He's been through a lot and I don't want to throw that at him anytime soon. 

If my STBXH wasn't an alcoholic who has basically sh*t all over my kids I'd be into split custody. The H says he wants it because "No way am I giving you any money". Isn't that sweet?  He only wants to spend time with our son on account of the money. :slap: 

My kids want nothing to do with him. Custody is one of the problems we'll have to deal with as the divorce proceedings unfold but I don't want or plan to have my son living with his drunk bum of a father anytime soon. 

But I wouldn't mind shared custody in theory because it would give me "alone" time that I really like and want and free me up but as things stand now I've got my son living with me full time. 

Fortunately he's 15 and rather independent so I'm able to go out and about when I want but overnighters and trips aren't happening for awhile, at least until my daughter is back home for the summer from college. In a few years things should improve in that respect. With a teenage boy one can only hope.


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## Serenity_Prayer

At my age and with two kids, I'd prefer a divorced father with a kid or two. And the ex out of the picture for the most part? Even better. I agree the kids shouldn't meet your dates until you've decided they are good enough to meet your kids, but if you marry, you do marry the entire family.


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## jpr

I prefer dating a man with young kids. I'm 36 years old. My son is almost 2 years old, and I have 75% custody. ...so I don't have a time of time.

I need someone who understands that...and, truthfully, I find men who are good fathers and put their children first incredibly attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lee101981

Zillard you sure did get alot of responses, was it what you were expecting?


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## EleGirl

staystrong said:


> Someone suggested waiting a year to introduce the romantic partner to the kids? That seems like a really long time.


(using 'you' and 'your' here in a generic sense)

Most dating relationships break up within a year. Waiting a year is so that your children don't keep getting dragged through one relationship after another.

Keep in mind that your kids are not smitten by your new girlfriend. They are probably still hoping that mom and dad will get back together.

People often think that their children should be all excited about their new found love. They bring this person around and marry them bringing this person into the children's lives. The children had no say is this. They don't want to person around all the time. And not this person is trying to parent them. It often does not go well. This is why over 70% of second marriages with children invovled fail.


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## EleGirl

lee101981 said:


> I am sure that this might come across as wierd but once I met the kids, I would want to meet there mother. As a mother of two daughters I would like to know who my children are spending time with. I would want to know about the other person, and what the intentions are along with expectations. Not friends but would like all to be on the same page as far as the kids are concerned


You say that you would want to know "who my children are spending time with". Why would your children be spending time with the mother of his children? I'm a bit confused by your post.

It's very rare for the a person and their ex to be on the same page with the children. My step-children's mother would not talk to me. She felt that their father and she were the parents. I was not a parent to her kids. She also sabataged everything we tried to do. The children did not see her much or hear from her much, but every time they did it threw everything into chaos.


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## Pbartender

EleGirl said:


> You say that you would want to know "who my children are spending time with". Why would your children be spending time with the mother of his children? I'm a bit confused by your post.


I think what she means is that, if the situation were reversed, she'd want to meet the women her Ex-husband is dating, so she knew who her children were spending time with when they were over at his house.

So, by the same respect, if she were dating a single father, she'd want to meet the ex-wife, so that in return the mother would know who her children might be spending time with.

She's saying that she'd want to show the same courtesy to her boyfriend's ex-wife as she she'd want her ex-husband's girlfriend to show to her.



Pb.


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## lee101981

Pbartender said:


> I think what she means is that, if the situation were reversed, she'd want to meet the women her Ex-husband is dating, so she knew who her children were spending time with when they were over at his house.
> 
> So, by the same respect, if she were dating a single father, she'd want to meet the ex-wife, so that in return the mother would know who her children might be spending time with.
> 
> She's saying that she'd want to show the same courtesy to her boyfriend's ex-wife as she she'd want her ex-husband's girlfriend to show to her.
> 
> 
> 
> Pb.



Yes thanks pbartender that is how I ment it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard

lee101981 said:


> Zillard you sure did get alot of responses, was it what you were expecting?


Thank you all for the responses. A lot more positive ones than I was expecting, but all of them have been helpful. Much better to get an understanding of how ladies see things than flounder about and assume. 

I'm still very apprehensive and frightened of this. I went out with a single friend of mine last night to a few clubs and quickly realized that I am nowhere close to being ready to date - and definitely not feeling the club/bar scene at all. What a circus!


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## EnjoliWoman

Time to introduce kids has been different for me, the guy, the situation... generally I want to be serious about the guy and feel like they will be around a lot. I didn't want my daughter to think poorly of me by parading a long line of men past her! LOL When she was very little (6) I waited until I had dated the guy 7-8 months. Later another guy was a date who went platonic (friend zone) then benefits, then back to friend zone - he came around whenever because he helped with home improvement stuff. This last guy I felt strongly right away and he met her after 4 months but she's 13 now.


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## zillard

So what about single moms and play dates? Those that you could see possibly going somewhere as you've been great friends for years?

How would you handle that?


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## lee101981

Nice and slow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123

Honestly I'd love for a man to take that appeoach, but agree it should be done slowly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard

Just seems so foreign to me. Kid would know daddy's friend but if ever became more would have to be very careful to pretend for quite some time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> So what about single moms and play dates? Those that you could see possibly going somewhere as you've been great friends for years?
> 
> How would you handle that?


:scratchhead: What do you mean by "play dates"..You mean going with the kids someplace just as a friend, not an actual date? 

I guess that would be OK assuming the kids are good with having someone else along and that person is presented as just a "friend". However it would have to be up to the kids because they might be wanting you all to themselves. 

I personally would pass. I don't need or want interaction with my SO's kids. If he has time off and want to hang with me that's good. I want to keep it all separate, including the time I spend with my kids. If he has his kids for the day I want nothing to do with it. 

I wonder how many feel as I do? Seems a lot of people here want to have a family unit again while I feel the exact opposite. Maybe it's my age? Probably more my attitude. I just don't want to get involved with an SO's family life.


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## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> :scratchhead: What do you mean by "play dates"..You mean going with the kids someplace just as a friend, not an actual date?


Yes. Spending time together somewhere while the kids play. One on one dates should not involve the kids. 



Freak On a Leash said:


> I guess that would be OK assuming the kids are good with having someone else along and that person is presented as just a "friend". However it would have to be up to the kids because they might be wanting you all to themselves.


Daughter gets plenty of time with me and needs interaction with other kids. So why not the kid of a good friend who is also hot. As long it is about the kids during that time.



Freak On a Leash said:


> I personally would pass. I don't need or want interaction with my SO's kids. If he has time off and want to hang with me that's good. I want to keep it all separate, including the time I spend with my kids. If he has his kids for the day I want nothing to do with it.
> 
> I wonder how many feel as I do? Seems a lot of people here want to have a family unit again while I feel the exact opposite. Maybe it's my age? Probably more my attitude. I just don't want to get involved with an SO's family life.


I do eventually want a family unit again. absolutely.


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## happysnappy

i have my kids 90% of the time so i have done play dates if i think there is potential. I am careful not to be affectionate in front of the kids until i'm ready for them to know i'm actually dating the person. I have a lot of guy friends that stop by for a beer or an actual home cooked meal and they are just that....friends, so it doesn't spark any questions if we are hanging out with someone else's kids whether it's a guy or a girl.


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## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> I do eventually want a family unit again. absolutely.


I forget how old your kids are but you are definitely in a different place and mindset than I am. But if you find a woman who has kids who are the same age as your child and they are compatible (BIG "if") then why not? Can't hurt. 

But I agree, it has to be about the kids in a situation like this.


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## zillard

Freak On a Leash said:


> I forget how old your kids are but you are definitely in a different place and mindset than I am. But if you find a woman who has kids who are the same age as your child and they are compatible (BIG "if") then why not? Can't hurt.
> 
> But I agree, it has to be about the kids in a situation like this.


Only one. 6yo daughter.


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## Freak On a Leash

zillard said:


> Only one. 6yo daughter.


Yep..Def in a different place in our lives and totally different mindset. I want a guy who is childless or if he has kids they are independent, or at least won't factor into my life. 

Anyone with a young child is basically off my list because I don't want to be involved with raising their child in any way, shape or form. Any man who has a child that age SHOULD be making that child a priority and it would fall to reason that anyone they date would have some role to play, if only a secondary one. I don't want to be dealing with that at all. 

I'd think a play date situation would work well. Take her to a playground, I'll bet you find loads of single woman there! 

I still remember those days and have no desire to go back to that life. I hated when my kids were that age.


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## WorkingOnMe

Good way for a guy to get friend zoned. I would avoid it. Not that I'm going to be in that situation any time soon.


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## Holland

staystrong said:


> Someone suggested waiting a year to introduce the romantic partner to the kids? That seems like a really long time.


I have read a lot about blending families and most suggest at least a yr before introducing kids. I tend to agree with this, SO and I are on the same page with it.

My ex introduced our kids to his new partner and her kids way too soon, he is having a lot of trouble now with our daughter. I am now having to fix up his stuff up.


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## Holland

zillard said:


> So what about single moms and play dates? Those that you could see possibly going somewhere as you've been great friends for years?
> 
> How would you handle that?


Be very, very careful with this. Children are way more perceptive than adults give them credit for.

My ex did something similar and it has backfired terribly and really hurt our daughter. 

IMHO do not involve the kids at all until 12 months and then do it openly and honestly with playing silly games. Kids will see straight through you and the risk is they will get terribly confused and hurt.


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## lee101981

I think it is all in how you go about it and what you tell the kids..


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## angelpixie

To answer Z's question -- I'd say a lot of it has to do with what you're hoping the relationship turns into. I'm not looking to remarry. Ever. I had my son late, so I'm running into some of the things EW mentioned -- guys my age have teens and older. I'm not sure _they_ want to deal with _my_ young son. Any relationship I get into will be a situation where we keep separate living spaces. My son comes first. I agree with unsure and jpr -- a dad who makes his kid(s) #1 is great to me. I understand, and I think it's attractive, too. My son has absolutely no idea that I've gone on dates. He won't know until he has to. 

And that's partly because in February his father started (openly) dating a woman with whom he had an EA. DS knew her as one of his dad's friends (who was dating another of his dad's friends at the time -- yeah, two cheaters). They became joined at the hip from then on. DS was never really happy about it, but STBXH is totally oblivious. She went to another country to teach this fall, and DS got closer to his dad again. Over Christmas break, she came home and decided not to go back to her job. She has now moved in with STBXH and DS (we share 50/50 custody). DS has started to get very upset when it's time to go see his dad. His dad gave him no say and moved everything along with no consideration of how DS felt. Yes, his dad is a divorced father, but though he would deny it, his son does not come first. And our son is hurting because of it.

If I dated a divorced father who was pushy about meeting his child early on, or seemed to resent having to work around his child's schedule, that would actually be a couple of red flags for me. It would tell me that he was a very selfish, entitled man, and I'd better stay away! Likewise if he resented my child and the fact that, as a mom, I have some limitations on my schedule. If he's not mature enough to handle that, I'm staying away.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Literally, not usually on weekends. 
That's when most of them have their kids. 
And that's when I'm most free.

My kids would like for their dad to meet someone fun.
But they also understand that he's unlikely to, due to his various eccentricities.
Even my daughter who is 8 understands this.
But they still have their dreams. 
Maybe if he did introduce his kids to his date, he would have more of a chance.
I'd say he's more fun when he has the kids, and he does go to fun places.
But when he's there, they said usually he's on his laptop or working out, so he never notices any of the people around.
He goes out on dates once in a while but they don't amount to anything.
He's growing a beard and he looks a bit more approachable, less gaunt and more homey. Who knows?
He's going to have the kids 3 weeks straight this summer and is stressing about not being able to do some 100 mile event. I told him when I had my older son all on my own I used to arrange for a sleepover weekend for him and then trade back in return some child care or payment. Sometimes I used an overnight sitter, like for conferences or travel when I was gone for a while.
He has NEVER used a sitter, EVER. 
I keep telling him he needs a backup plan but his idea of a backup plan is only for emergencies and for that he would ask his boss who is a friend. In his mind, the only emergency he could ever have is to work late, and his boss would cover that, or a co-worker he knows. I like both of these families so I don't have a problem with it. I just think it's odd to have shared custody for over 8 years and to have never used a sitter. I think everyone needs a sitter who is familiar with their home and on the pickup list for school/camps for their kids.

I have guy friends that I do things with. These guys are not dates. They are friends. My kids know them and we have been to eat together, etc. They also knew the guy I dated during the summer. That was educational for them because they got to experience someone before and after week and after and before going off antidepressants. They 'get it' now about what even a small 'addiction' to a drug can do to a person and his life.

They didn't know about my boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage until it happened. They'd met him at the dance studio but that was when we were friends. They visited him in the hospital with me, the staff in the neuro icu encouraged it, they said it was good for him, and my kids actually asked to go and visit him. They cared for him very much. We went to visit him in rehab too. I think that was a valuable experience for them. They got to see what you do when your friend is very very sick, and how to be helpful in a hospital setting. They saw him in a coma and the breathing tube/respirator, the poop and pee bags, the feeding tube, the pressure cuffs on his feet...they saw him slowly recover and begin to do things like talk and eat and color and write. Mostly they learned the value of love and friendship. I don't think I would have wanted to hide all that from my kids. They helped out at home doing dishes. They tolerated the hour drive to the hospital and back. I learned a lot about how awesome and flexible and caring my kids are. Other posters are right, kids don't really miss a thing. I think if I tried to hide all that from them, they would have missed a valuable experience in how to be truly human.

But to get them involved for the sake of convenience, because you're too cheap to pay for a sitter or you want help with your kids, or are just too eager to have what you think is a 'normal' life. No, that's not healthy at all.


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## Garry2012

unsure78 said:


> After my divorce I have preferred dating men with children. I have one son(4), and i actually like having a guy who understands my kid comes first and I dont always have a lot of free time. I am now dating a guy who has 2 kids right around my sons age. I find the mutual respect for time with the children and the ability to relate to lifestyles has been very important. The only thing that has made this difficult has been lack of time together due to schedules, but we do our best.


Yeah, i think when i start i want to date a woman with kids. 1) they understand the bond and the demands and 2) you get to see how they parent as they may be around your kids alot someday.


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## zillard

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> But to get them involved for the sake of convenience, because you're too cheap to pay for a sitter or you want help with your kids, or are just too eager to have what you think is a 'normal' life. No, that's not healthy at all.


Not this at all. I have a huge family where I'm going who are more than happy to watch my daughter. 

I do not want help with my daughter outside of family and occasional sitters. 

I do not want a serious relationship anytime soon. This woman was a friend before my M, but we had little contact during my M. I'd like to do things with her and our daughters as friends but do see a possibility of something developing eventually. If nothing ever does - awesome too. She's a great friend to have.


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## loveispatient

I don't think it would be an issue dating someone divorced with kids to be honest. The only hiccup I'd have is that IF the divorce was messy and the X was constantly causing issues, which would in turn cause issues with new relationship. 

I don't have kids and I'm 34. I'm not sure I want to try again after infertility treatment and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't date someone with kids as long as I don't have to deal with the aftermath (*crazy ex-wife etc.) 

For me, it's the flip-side. Would someone date a woman in her 30s who may not be able to have children (biologically)? (*not that I know why; it's unexplained) Is that a question I have to address down the road?


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## zillard

loveispatient said:


> For me, it's the flip-side. Would someone date a woman in her 30s who may not be able to have children (biologically)? (*not that I know why; it's unexplained) Is that a question I have to address down the road?


I absolutely would, LIP. 

I already have my awesome daughter and can not have anymore, so totally not an issue. I'm sure there are plenty of men out there in similar situations.


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## hope4family

LIP - A good portion of men, who are good men won't care. A good part of good men will feel differently. 

To add myself to the sample. It wouldn't be an issue for me. I suppose if I was with a woman and we got desperate we could always adopt.


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## Garry2012

loveispatient said:


> I don't think it would be an issue dating someone divorced with kids to be honest. The only hiccup I'd have is that IF the divorce was messy and the X was constantly causing issues, which would in turn cause issues with new relationship.
> 
> I don't have kids and I'm 34. I'm not sure I want to try again after infertility treatment and all that jazz. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't date someone with kids as long as I don't have to deal with the aftermath (*crazy ex-wife etc.)
> 
> For me, it's the flip-side. Would someone date a woman in her 30s who may not be able to have children (biologically)? (*not that I know why; it's unexplained) Is that a question I have to address down the road?


Depends i guess. I have kids, and really dont want to start over again with diapers. So, I wouldnt have a problem with it at all. Just like im sure ill run into women with older kids (18+) who dont want to date a guy with kids 5-10...they have been there done that.


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## loveispatient

I think it worries me a little. I'm attractive (I'm told), but I'm not really one to care much about how I look. I sort of "became" attractive in college so I never noticed it when it happened but others did. Guys and dating were never an issue so it was fun. But this happening in my mid-30s plus the infertility crap/pregnancy losses has me looking at the future differently. This is coming from a highly motivated professional 30-something year old who has been very lucky and blessed in life despite my struggles. I start IC next week, so hopefully my head will be in the right place. 

I don't remember the LAST time I've been on my own. That's the challenge for me, but I'm handling it slowly - thank goodness for great friends. I don't want a relationship or anything committed at this point. Maybe the future, but still not sure I will set my heart out again. I find that when I love, I love deeply and care fully. When it breaks, it breaks in so many broken pieces. 

In any case, thanks for the insight. Didn't mean to hijack Z's thread.


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## Garry2012

I left home at 21, moved out of state by myself and never looked back...so im ok on my own. I know my heart will be set out again...thats just how i am....and i DONT want to hold the sins of my X against my future spouse...but she will have to know its a project, and i will have trust issues for a bit.

I would be happy just going for drinks etc with some different women...but then your viewed as a player etc. So ill just hang on the sidelines for a while and get used to the new single dad role.


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## zillard

loveispatient said:


> I don't remember the LAST time I've been on my own. That's the challenge for me, but I'm handling it slowly - thank goodness for great friends. I don't want a relationship or anything committed at this point. Maybe the future, but still not sure I will set my heart out again. I find that when I love, I love deeply and care fully. When it breaks, it breaks in so many broken pieces.
> 
> In any case, thanks for the insight. Didn't mean to hijack Z's thread.


You aren't hijacking. In a thread about how women see divorced fathers, divorced women's feelings about themselves and dating are definitely relevant.



Garry2012 said:


> I left home at 21, moved out of state by myself and never looked back...so im ok on my own.


Good! I left home at 17 and finished up HS on my own. Then did like you and moved out of state and put myself through college (during which I remained single). I think this has had a huge impact on my healing. Much less lonely than I would have been otherwise.



Garry2012 said:


> I know my heart will be set out again...thats just how i am....and i DONT want to hold the sins of my X against my future spouse...but she will have to know its a project, and i will have trust issues for a bit.


Trust will be a big hurdle for me too. I have to work on forgiving the woman in my past in order to trust the women in my future.



Garry2012 said:


> I would be happy just going for drinks etc with some different women...but then your viewed as a player etc. So ill just hang on the sidelines for a while and get used to the new single dad role.


Who cares if you are viewed as a player? If you aren't one it can't come back to bite you. At least not with anyone who's opinion matters. Just have fun.


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## Garry2012

zillard said:


> Who cares if you are viewed as a player? If you aren't one it can't come back to bite you. At least not with anyone who's opinion matters. Just have fun.


Yeah...just not who i am or was. But I would like to do some light dating when this is over.


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## loveispatient

Garry2012 said:


> I left home at 21, moved out of state by myself and never looked back...so im ok on my own. I know my heart will be set out again...thats just how i am....and i DONT want to hold the sins of my X against my future spouse...but she will have to know its a project, and i will have trust issues for a bit.
> 
> I would be happy just going for drinks etc with some different women...but then your viewed as a player etc. So ill just hang on the sidelines for a while and get used to the new single dad role.


Well since we're talking about leaving states and stuff, I left my country to come here for college. So I have ZERO family in-country, which has made this even harder when I would rather have a place to run to for a bit. But flying across the world isn't an option right now while I figure out the separation-soon-to-divorced (even though H has no idea what he wants *snort*). But such is life.. Resilience in character. 

I don't think there's any harm in drinks with different women at all. Especially if it's done with full transparency. 

I have a male friend who is currently separated and he's testing waters right now, but it's hard for him. His wife cheated, so he's having issues dealing with that and he still has feelings for her but D is certain. BUT he's dating a female friend of mine and in a way using her (sex; she genuinely likes him), so I've had to sit down and listen to both sides of the situation since I know them both. So I would say, drinks are OK but if you're not quite ready, then sitting on the sidelines might be smart of others could be hurt.


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## Garry2012

loveispatient said:


> I have a male friend who is currently separated and he's testing waters right now, but it's hard for him. His wife cheated, so he's having issues dealing with that and he still has feelings for her but D is certain. BUT he's dating a female friend of mine and in a way using her (sex; she genuinely likes him), so I've had to sit down and listen to both sides of the situation since I know them both. So I would say, drinks are OK but if you're not quite ready, then sitting on the sidelines might be smart of others could be hurt.


Yeah, my situation too. Im just not ready, and I generally get along with people really well, so women tend to start to attach to me easily, and i dont want to hurt anyone or deal with THAT drama, when i have my own.


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