# Should I stay the better guy till the end?



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Ok, 

Everyone out there. It's been awhile, so here is a quick update/question. So me and my manipulative stbxw have been slowly marching towards divorce. Saw our respective lawyers and told to come back after we have a rough draft of the dissolution of assets in hand. My stbxw that was at first gun-ho(after I shut off the ability for her boyfriend to call her cell) to get a divorce, is now predictably slowing things down. She's back on the "I don't know what I want anymore. What if you really were the one and I regret this for the rest of my life for something I can't even figure out that I want?" Well I have been pretty steadfast in my conviction, and despite a few minor slip ups(going on vacation with her), I have been distancing myself pretty well mentally and emotionally. So this leads me to my question. 

You see I know that I am moving towards a mutual divorce. Now the wife is having second thoughts and two months ago I would have been hoovered back into the relationship all over again. This time though, call it self respect or just being so damned tired of it all, it rings like the boy who cried wolf to me. Also I'm down 30 pounds, hitting the gym, and carrying myself a little differently because of this whole ordeal. In that process, I have begun to attract members of the other sex(I seem to have forgotten that I'm 6'2, 35yrs, and successful to a certain degree) So before I would never take up an offer, or even notice it before my mental separation from my wife, now I'm tempted. A resident I met in my hospital has been hanging around me, and has asked me to go out for drinks, or a bite to eat a few times in the last month. At first I thought it was a harmless "lets sit down and talk about my research project stuff", but at the taunting of my staff I'm being told that I'm a moron and this girl isn't just looking to go over research designs.(I really can never tell if a girl is hitting on me, I'm oblivious) So here is the question, should I wait until the ink is dry on our divorce before seeing another woman? I know that my wife is still very much in the fog and seeing her Co-worker incognito. However, I have a pretty steadfast level of integrity, and I know I would just end up hating myself if I let anything happen, or led someone on without any intention of following through. So what does everyone else think. When did everyone else wait to date after their WS put out the white flag?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It's ok to go out for drinks if your intentions are truly divorcing your wife. It may even help. Just be honest with that other girl.

Be prepared for your wife to go ballistic though and a lot more drama. Up to you whether you can handle it or not or whether it's worth it. I know me; I'd personally hold off until my wife is my ex-wife and living somewhere else. At that point, it'd be real easy to just tune her out.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Because you wrote "I know I would just end up hating myself if I let anything happen or led someone on...." I think for your integrity you should hold off until after you and the wife are truly done. In the meantime, enjoy good conversations and company but not in one on one situations.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Raised Garden: All I can tell you is what I did. My xw had a year long affair with a good friend of mine. When I discovered the affair, she literally packed two suitcases, and WALKED 5 blocks to his home and moved in with him. She wanted the divorce and wanted it fast (they were married 6 months after divorce was final, took 82 days to get divorced) this after 30 years of marriage. Within a month of her moving out, I found out, like you, that I was considered a pretty good catch. I began working out, and I "look good on paper". A woman friend, who I had known for a couple years, approached me about going out for coffee, BLEW ME AWAY! I wanted to but was reluctant to do so while still married. I talked with a few people, some told me to wait until the agreement was final, some told me to go ahead and go out. I finally realized that I had made the promise to my xw! In front of God,legally, but to HER, I didnt really care what a Judge had to say. As was the case then, she called me a couple of days later about something (have not talked with her since the Divorce, over a year ago) and during the conversation I said. "J, I need to ask you something....I made a promise to YOU to love, cherish and forsake all others.... Obviously you do not feel the same way. I would like to ask you to release me from my vow to you. I have some women interested in seeing me, but will not until either you release me or I am officially divorced." She was taken aback a bit but said,(and I will never forget, can hear her saying it now) "Go for it Hoosier!" I thanked her and hung up. Called the lady, had coffee and have never looked back. I felt totally comfortable on my date, not at all guilty. Had I not talked to the xw would not of been the case. What ever you are comfortable with is best.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

You have mentally reached your own conclusion so I have to ask you, *what has changed that you would second guess yourself?* What is your wife offering you today that would make you want to take her back after she has had sex (I'm assuming it was a PA) with another man behind your back? Is she suddenly become more trust worthy? Has she shown real remorse? Has she shown you the moral character that indicates that she will never do this again? If you ask yourself these questions I'm sure that the answer will come up NO.

Your self respect means a lot! In my mind, how can you maintain your self respect if you stay with a woman who brought another man's filth home to you. You see, by having a relationship with this OM, she made you ... her life long partner by vows ... just another choice she can make. Do you really want to be just another choice? You made up your mind already, stick to it and follow up with the divorce ASAP.

As far as dating goes, your a free agent. Go out and have some fun.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Tough one

How long before you could be done with the D?

Does the resident know what's going on in your life?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Your marriage is over. The vows you took were meaningless, you owe your soon to be exwife nothing. 

Integrity isn't part of this equation.

Why let yourself be penalized by the slow legal process in order to move on with your life?

Some divorces take years. Are you supposed to sit there and pass up dating opportunities because you made a worthless promise to an individual who will soon be completely out of your life?

Do you think all those separated people out there who are dating and screwing others lack integrity? Do you put yourself on a higher moral pedestal than them?

These questions are all rhetorical and don't need to be answered just to make you think.


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## NotSo (Jul 23, 2012)

If you have no intention of getting back with your WW, by all means have coffee, tea, beer, wine, rum, whiskey, etc... Who care's if she is having 2nd thoughts. You say, "I would hate myself..." well, dont let anything happen if that's how you truly feel. Getting back in the dating/looking/chatting with the opposite sex has been fun so far.

I like what @Hoosier did in calling his WW - I'm thinking of doing that just to slap it in the biotches face, till our D is final.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> "*I *don't know what *I *want anymore. What if you really were the one and *I *regret this for the rest of *my life *for something *I *can't even figure out that *I *want?"





> I know that my wife is *still very much in the fog and seeing her Co-worker* incognito.



if you want to keep your dignity and self-respect, like you've said, you'd be smart to divorce her. it's still all about HER.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> if you want to keep your dignity and self-respect, like you've said, you'd be smart to divorce her.


Did you read the thread?

If so read it again.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

^i am reiterating his statement concerning this very thing. in other words, go ahead with the divorce as she only has HER self-interest at heart.

get it, now?!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Life is short, stop being a saint, your wife was not. Just MY 2 cents David


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## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> You have mentally reached your own conclusion so I have to ask you, *what has changed that you would second guess yourself?* What is your wife offering you today that would make you want to take her back after she has had sex (I'm assuming it was a PA) with another man behind your back? Is she suddenly become more trust worthy? Has she shown real remorse? Has she shown you the moral character that indicates that she will never do this again? If you ask yourself these questions I'm sure that the answer will come up NO.
> 
> Your self respect means a lot! In my mind, how can you maintain your self respect if you stay with a woman who brought another man's filth home to you. You see, by having a relationship with this OM, she made you ... her life long partner by vows ... just another choice she can make. Do you really want to be just another choice? You made up your mind already, stick to it and follow up with the divorce ASAP.
> 
> As far as dating goes, your a free agent. Go out and have some fun.


The second guessing comes from the fact that up until now my stbxw has been balls to the wall Deny, Deny, Deny. Then it turned into "Well if you had the something then this would never had happened". She never had any remorse, a little social guilt but that was it. So I finally wised up and moved the divorce along. I cut off her communication with the OM while I was still paying for it. I no longer became her valet and house keeper. Two months later, now I'm hearing "I may have made a mistake", always hedged with "I just don't know, I want to make the right choice". That right there killed it for me. When it got boiled down to "Well it's either the man I have been with for 14 years, or some hot body nothing underling at work" I said screw her. Picked up my balls from her purse, and have been tirelessly working towards D. What is starting to get to me is I am starting to see her in pain. Regardless of what she did to me, I hate to see someone suffering. That is where that pan of recompense comes from. She is not longer a building that needs to be stripped and dropped to the ground. It was the woman who I asked to marry me. 

Good news is that in all of this though. I have kept a stiff upper lip, and tried to remain above the fray. As, some other poster told me months ago. You will not be remembered for what happened to you, but what you did when you found out. So we are beyond any chance of reconciliation, what I am afraid of doing though is being at her level. To go and do something in the end as bad as her. That is where the doubt is from, not am I going to get back with her, but can I get back on that horse again gracefully and with the fullest knowledge that I did it with the utmost integrity.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

cledus_snow said:


> ^i am reiterating his statement concerning this very thing. in other words, go ahead with the divorce as she only has HER self-interest at heart.
> 
> get it, now?!


I don't think so.

You told him to get divorced but he's already getting divorced. He wants to know what people think of dating others before the divorce is final. 

Why tell him to do something he's already doing?



RaisedGarden said:


> So me and my manipulative stbxw have been slowly marching towards divorce. Saw our respective lawyers and told to come back after we have a rough draft of the dissolution of assets in hand... should I wait until the ink is dry on our divorce before seeing another woman?





cledus_snow said:


> if you want to keep your dignity and self-respect, like you've said, you'd be smart to divorce her.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> You will not be remembered for what happened to you, but what you did when you found out. So we are beyond any chance of reconciliation, what I am afraid of doing though is being at her level.
> 
> *It is too late in the game to do anything that is at the level she did because you are not acting out of deceipt or betrayal at this point*
> 
> To go and do something in the end as bad as her. That is where the doubt is from, not am I going to get back with her, but can I get back on that horse again gracefully and with the fullest knowledge that I did it with the utmost integrity.


I feel that you were like me after separting and moving toward a D. I think that there is a different clock for different people. Getting on the horse gracefully is probably a personal choice. I come from a very conservative background/culture. I started dating prior to the D being finalized. I really felt no shame in it. A year and a half later, still no regrets for dating prior to a judge signing a legal document.

I don't hate my exWW. I feel that it was healing for both of us to move on. I could never meet my standard of being a good husband to her after knowing that she betrayed me on so many levels. It is in her best interest to start over. 

You sound as if you are at that point now. Move at an easy pace and reflect on your feelings as you go. Be honest with whomever you date about your status. That is fair and graceful. Follow your heart, and relax. You might even begin to enjoy your new path.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Hoosier said:


> Raised Garden: All I can tell you is what I did. My xw had a year long affair with a good friend of mine. When I discovered the affair, she literally packed two suitcases, and WALKED 5 blocks to his home and moved in with him. She wanted the divorce and wanted it fast (they were married 6 months after divorce was final, took 82 days to get divorced) this after 30 years of marriage. Within a month of her moving out, I found out, like you, that I was considered a pretty good catch. I began working out, and I "look good on paper". A woman friend, who I had known for a couple years, approached me about going out for coffee, BLEW ME AWAY! I wanted to but was reluctant to do so while still married. I talked with a few people, some told me to wait until the agreement was final, some told me to go ahead and go out. I finally realized that I had made the promise to my xw! In front of God,legally, but to HER, I didnt really care what a Judge had to say. As was the case then, she called me a couple of days later about something (have not talked with her since the Divorce, over a year ago) and during the conversation I said. "J, I need to ask you something....I made a promise to YOU to love, cherish and forsake all others.... Obviously you do not feel the same way. I would like to ask you to release me from my vow to you. I have some women interested in seeing me, but will not until either you release me or I am officially divorced." She was taken aback a bit but said,(and I will never forget, can hear her saying it now) "Go for it Hoosier!" I thanked her and hung up. Called the lady, had coffee and have never looked back. I felt totally comfortable on my date, not at all guilty. Had I not talked to the xw would not of been the case. What ever you are comfortable with is best.


I like this. Quite alot, actually. Shows alot of style and class.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

RaisedGarden said:


> Ok,
> 
> Everyone out there. It's been awhile, so here is a quick update/question. So me and my manipulative stbxw have been slowly marching towards divorce. Saw our respective lawyers and told to come back after we have a rough draft of the dissolution of assets in hand. My stbxw that was at first gun-ho(after I shut off the ability for her boyfriend to call her cell) to get a divorce, is now predictably slowing things down. She's back on the "I don't know what I want anymore. What if you really were the one and I regret this for the rest of my life for something I can't even figure out that I want?" Well I have been pretty steadfast in my conviction, and despite a few minor slip ups(going on vacation with her), I have been distancing myself pretty well mentally and emotionally. So this leads me to my question.
> 
> You see I know that I am moving towards a mutual divorce. Now the wife is having second thoughts and two months ago I would have been hoovered back into the relationship all over again. This time though, call it self respect or just being so damned tired of it all, it rings like the boy who cried wolf to me. Also I'm down 30 pounds, hitting the gym, and carrying myself a little differently because of this whole ordeal. In that process, I have begun to attract members of the other sex(I seem to have forgotten that I'm 6'2, 35yrs, and successful to a certain degree) So before I would never take up an offer, or even notice it before my mental separation from my wife, now I'm tempted. A resident I met in my hospital has been hanging around me, and has asked me to go out for drinks, or a bite to eat a few times in the last month. At first I thought it was a harmless "lets sit down and talk about my research project stuff", but at the taunting of my staff I'm being told that I'm a moron and this girl isn't just looking to go over research designs.(I really can never tell if a girl is hitting on me, I'm oblivious) So here is the question, should I wait until the ink is dry on our divorce before seeing another woman? I know that my wife is still very much in the fog and seeing her Co-worker incognito. However, I have a pretty steadfast level of integrity, and I know I would just end up hating myself if I let anything happen, or led someone on without any intention of following through. So what does everyone else think. When did everyone else wait to date after their WS put out the white flag?


Your wife has a boyfriend.
Id go for it.

At this point it is your life and not a life of good marriage.

If you want to do it, just do it.
Go there with the mindset it is a business meeting because maybe it is.

I don't know the rules of all this.
I just feel as long as your honest with the new girl
then you need to start doing what you want to do.
Time for yourself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm..........

I guess another way to look at it is that if was OK for your STBX to date WHILE you were married, it should be OK for you too!


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> When I discovered the affair, she literally packed two suitcases, and WALKED 5 blocks to his home and moved in with him. She wanted the divorce and wanted it fast
> 
> I would like to ask you to release me from my vow to you. I have some women interested in seeing me, but will not until either you release me or I am officially divorced." She was taken aback a bit but said,(and I will never forget, can hear her saying it now) "Go for it Hoosier!"


This blows my mind and I gotta tell you that takes a lot.

The woman cheated on you, betrayed you, broke your marital vows, she moved in with the other man and couldn't divorce you fast enough and yet _you feel the need to ask for her PERMISSION to move on with your life?_

Seriously?

Now I've read everything.

She was probably taken aback because she couldn't believe you'd give her that much power and control over you after how she treated you.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Chances are that you're not really ready for a relationship. If you're going to have ANY involvement with ANY woman, it's only fair to be clear and up front about that so you don't hurt someone else in your healing process.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

totamm said:


> This blows my mind and I gotta tell you that takes a lot.
> 
> The woman cheated on you, betrayed you, broke your marital vows, she moved in with the other man and couldn't divorce you fast enough and yet _you feel the need to ask for her PERMISSION to move on with your life?_
> 
> ...


Vows are serious business, or at least should be. I think Hoosier found a way to deal with the situation with integrity and honor. But like they say, YMMV.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I remember your thread very clearly. Your W has been anything but kind to you.

I think it's OK to be kind to yourself. That includes 1) not falling for your W's doubts now, and 2) allowing yourself some good female company once in a while. Given what you've been through, I see no moral dilemma and it could be very good for you in other ways.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

For me, my vow was for better or for worse. I knew that legally/morally I was going to be released. But important for me to honor my committments. Had she said no, I would have waited until the divorce was complete. So while she had some control, was in no way absolute and limitless. If a person does not honor their commitments how can they complain when others do not? Not saying my answer was the best, just best for me. I have three adult daughters, was important for me to handle myself correctly in front of them. Just sayin....


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Vows are serious business, or at least should be. I think Hoosier found a way to deal with the situation with integrity and honor. But like they say, YMMV.


They might be serious when you make them.

Not when you've been cheated on and you're getting divorced and the wayward spouse is living with her affair partner.

I'm stating the obvious, but at that point the vows are meaningless. Promises made to this person no longer need to be kept, they no longer deserve the respect inherent in the request.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> For me, my vow was for better or for worse. I knew that legally/morally I was going to be released. But important for me to honor my committments. Had she said no, I would have waited until the divorce was complete. So while she had some control, was in no way absolute and limitless. If a person does not honor their commitments how can they complain when others do not? Not saying my answer was the best, just best for me. I have three adult daughters, was important for me to handle myself correctly in front of them. Just sayin....


So by your logic. You still didn't honor them.
You just got permission from your wife to break them.
If the moral part was so important then I spose only ur god could habe released you.

Bottom line is, we each deal with crap as best we can and do what works for us.
That may be the true gist of what he is trying to say right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

totamm said:


> They might be serious when you make them.
> 
> Not when you've been cheated on and you're getting divorced and the wayward spouse is living with her affair partner.
> 
> I'm stating the obvious, but at that point the vows are meaningless. Promises made to this person no longer need to be kept, they no longer deserve the respect inherent in the request.


I'm the guy who advocates screwing the OM's wife if given half the chance, so I don't hold myself up as a model of integrity.

But I like Hoosier's style, simple as that.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> So by your logic. You still didn't honor them.
> You just got permission from your wife to break them.
> If the moral part was so important then I spose only ur god could habe released you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Passive aggressive much?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Passive aggressive much?


Maybe.
Jewish by blood I know that for sure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Go out on the date. 

1. Its a DATE not marriage. 

2. No one is saying your gonna get lucky. 

3. Shoot straight from the hip.. Don't want to put you in a position. I am going through or getting divorced. If this bothers you then no problems. 

4. IF you get lucky wear a jimmy. So you don't have to get remarried that fast.

5. Have any female friends that can feel her out for you ? She might say I don't care about his divorce, he's hot.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Raised, I remember your thread too. You have been through a lot. Your marriage is over. Your vows - exchanged between you and your wife - were trashed by her. Even then, you tried to make it work. 

If you had a contract to pay x$ every month for a car and the dealership took back the car would you keep paying every month until a judge told you to stop?
Would you still honor that contract? Same idea here.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

RaisedGarden said:


> What is starting to get to me is I am starting to see her in pain. Regardless of what she did to me, I hate to see someone suffering. That is where that pan of recompense comes from. She is not longer a building that needs to be stripped and dropped to the ground. It was the woman who I asked to marry me.


Please tell me where you live so I can come over there and slap you silly. Read your quote above and tell me how that sounds sounds to you. Seriously?! The woman whom you asked to marry you was busy fvcking another guy! Why in the name of god would you care about her pain? Did she care about how you would feel when the OM was banging her? I think not. DON'T SECOND GUESS YOUR SELF. Any woman who does this does not deserve a good husband and a family. Please PM me if you want to know what I really think she (and others of her ilk) actually deserves.

You, however, deserve a good relationship and a committed partner. As I said, you are now a free agent. The divorce may not be final but she already broke the contract (vows) so go out on a date and have an good time, sex or no sex!



RaisedGarden said:


> So we are beyond any chance of reconciliation, what I am afraid of doing though is being at her level.


That's the ticket, and don't worry about being on her level, you aren't going to be banging someone while you are in a committed relationship; your STBXW ended that relationship already. You're just waiting for the paper work to come through.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

a famouse line from animal house

f*ck her fu*k her brains out. squeze her t*ts.

thats what I'd do! and thats whats she wants!


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