# Another Crisis!!!! help please!!



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

But here is a new huge problem, Spouses Parent just passed away.. This has been really hard... It was a huge suprise it wasnt expected and I am holding strong for my spouse and my kids, but it has only made my situation worse.. I am not a bad person and my heart goes out to them, but I dont know how to cope.. I am working on my marriage, trying to be supportive and I know my spouse it greiving.

The thing is, how the family had treated me, it was awful, and having to go to there home repeatedly is causing me some major triggers.. and to have them huge me and tell me they love me, well then why did they work so hard to hurt me and my kids so much during the affair? 

I just want to know if there are any suggestions on how I am supposed to cope without falling apart emotionally myself.. This is just a hard, sad, confusing time for everyone and I do not want to make anything any harder for any of them.. I have been right there for them, because at one point in time I was there family, well I still am but its not the same anymore for me.. But there is no way I can act like anything is upsetting me, I would never allow myself to put anymore hurt on pressure on anyone going thru this, but I can come her to all of you and tell all of you, I have no one, and I dont know how to cope, and this scares me...... I cant turn to my spouse not in a time like this, and espically how much I been struggling with before this.. so NOW WHAT??? 

The back story if you all dont have time to read it, here is the quick version...


Spouse got caught cheating, walked in and caught S in bed with a girl. I say girl bc 10 months older than our kid, any way..It was me who they made leave, s parnets did this to me too, called the law, made our child leave after I left, I didnt know she was heading there, or that she would see this, but yep they made her leave to, but child didnt realize this was happing at her grandparnts home, then it just keep going, it seemed they just turned on us to keep S affair going, included Ap into there family, all the while My S keep denying it saying they were just freinds... still does, it was a on again off again thing..

I foung them out at S parnets house infront of a fireplace together and yep parnets were home... they lied for my spouse, tormented me with calls a few time... and just ripped my heart out along with there grandkids, they actually on 2 occasions made there grandkids leave while the ap stayed there with there parent this hurt them bad, because it happened to me as well that was so hard on me, I cant imagined the pain it caused the kids, for a parnet and grandparents to do this to them..

Hidden cell, finding them together.. all the bad stuff that goes along with an affair........ but still say they were just freinds ( I dont think so)

I am dealing with not being able to talk to him about nothing without him saying Im nagging... here is a link to that thread

This thread is located at:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-feel-but-just-becomes-argument-new-post.html



Now this... Im just so lost and confused and scared.. I dont know what to do anymore... but I wont be mean to anyone, I just need advice on how to cope the triggers are horriable,and the pain that they did care to make me indure or my kids is getting to me.. Help anyone


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I would find it difficult to not gleefully ask if I can throw the first shovel full on top of them. Vent away.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Triggers are bad.... really bad, because I have to go to there home with my spouse and kids to help take care of things now.... And its everywhere I look... I look left or right and these mental images are just popping in my head... I hate it, I feel like Im going to burst into tears.. I dont feel right there anymore.. And s family hugging me and telling me they love me...... of course they love the grandkids (maybe?) but they sure hated me when the affair was going on, and I never did a bad thing to them, it sure seemed as if they were taking pleasure in hurting me and my kids at the time..

But we are trying to make our marriage work, and thats hell all on its own. Now I have to go thru this to.... It doesnt take away my sympathy for husband or his family... I would never wish or enjoy anyone more pain than they are experiancing while greiving a loss.... but I am too!!!

I been a part of the family for many many many years and they just crapped on me when my husband decided he needed a freind to stay at there home with him they let him... they knew it was an affair there was no way to deny this...but they just acted like it was all okay.. 

and when the law was called and I had to leave my husband there with this girl.. and then my kid had to go thru the same thing twice.... yes it hurt still does... how do I cope?????


How do I try to be supportive and understanding and caring for my spouse but inside im falling apart? Fighting back tears most times because I cant stand to be there and deal with the triggers and this just causes me to re-live the pain they helped to cause me???


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

O and the whole time the affair was going on they knew he was telling me they were just freinds and they litterally helped him to cheat on me..... they knew about it all allowed her to spend nights with him there and they knew he was still trying to be my husband????


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This may sound cruel but my one brother in law and I were good friends. When I left for training and deployed to Iraq he and my wife's sister stirred up all kinds of issues for me and my wife. It was stupid stuff. Like he wanted to mow our yard and I just got a new mower for my wife. She wanted to stay busy while I was away and told him thanks but she wants to mow the yard. He got insulted. My wife and her sister were close and after this her sister stopped talking to her. Things got worse.

My BIL liked NASCAR and I got tickets when I got back from Iraq for him. He did not welcome me back and did not say a word to me. Needless to say I gave the tickets away.

Then he got cancer. I went to visit him in the hospital and he laid there with his eyes closed and did not say a word to me. His wife complained later that I could not wait to leave.

Now he is dying. I do not plan on going to his funeral nor support his family. I did nothing to him. His family is in poverty now that he has not worked in two years.

My opinion is I did not marry him or her. Family is family but what do I owe someone who has caused nothing but misery over the past three years. My wife has mixed feelings and does not know what to do.

I can only speak for me. I would leave them alone. After so much pain they cause I would not feel I owe them a thing in death.

Like I said it may be cruel but I can't stand drama and this would be too much for me.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> O and the whole time the affair was going on they knew he was telling me they were just freinds and they litterally helped him to cheat on me..... they knew about it all allowed her to spend nights with him there and they knew he was still trying to be my husband????


 I am sorry but you owe them nothing. They are evil people. Like all evil people, they saw you being a nice person as a weakness to be exploited rather than cherished. What they did is below any standard of moral decency I have ever heard of. They did not just betray you but their own grandchildren. They are less than scum and should be treated as such. 

Do not go if you do not want to. Just because someone dies does not make them or the surviving spouse pure and innocent again. It is time that you take care of yourself and stop worrying about them and what they think. If your husband does not like, too bad.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You do not have to go to that house and let people who hurt you lie to you. Do you think your kids are ok with it? You can offer them--in as neutral a way as possible--an "out." Tell them that if they find it difficult to go b/c of the history between you and their dad, then they don't have to.

It is one think for a family not to take sides when a couple is having issues. It is another for a family to actively permit the infidelity to go on in their home, and then lie about it. So hurtful. Stop trying to support them--they are not children grieving the loss of parents. If anyone judges you for this, then let them. No skin off your nose. And if h is still denying the affair--you caught them in bed? how can he?--then you don't really have any reconciliation going on. Take a stand and protect yourself; you deserve better.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Thanks for your advice it is really appreciated, I dont have anyone to talk to about this.. I come here because I can be open and honest and really let it all out and gain some support because all of this is way to hard..

My kids are not Ok with what happened between me and there dad.. they were very hurt by all of it, but like they told me that is there grandparents and yes they hurt them badly, but so did there dad, and there trying to forgive him and they badly want to forgive there grandparnets so they were working on this then the death, the sad part is the one who passed, even thou it was never stopped or they helped hide it, the one who passed it the one who checked on us thru it all, and said to me, this is wrong, those are my grandkids and your like my daughter, I dont know what to do except check on all of you, and im sorry... but I cant stop him Iv tried, he says there just freinds..... I dont know if they truley beleived that, to be honest there is no way they could had..

But my kids are hurting somthing awful from this, they were so close to them before all this, and they told me they loved them and they didnt want to just walk away because the do love them no matter what... and they want me there to support them..

My H..... well I had been posting on here before about the struggling about his denial, and the arguments about all of it.. he called nagging... the thing is... your right I am a nice person and I dont want to treat people like they did me, not when my kids need me with them, and I think it would hurt my kids if I just walked away... I dont want that... but I feel they get to use my niceness.. They know me, and they know I dont have the heart to turn on people.. So now they are turning to me for help... 

And its taking a toll on me, but I dont want it to take its toll on my kids either... my H is so thankfull I am there for him, he telling me this.. and he hasnt left my side thru it all.his pretty much clung to me and is talking to me about what his going thru which he said that he is talking to me because thats what iv been wanting so now he wants to open up to me about what his feeling and going thru. 


but that doesnt make all the other stuff go away...it doesnt make the pure hell he and them put me thru or my kids... But they are calling me, asking me to help with this or that.. really leaning on me.. WHY? because I am a nice person? that didnt make a diffrence when they shredded me!!!! See this is my struggle, years and years and years in the family only to be shunned for awhile to allow their son to play, then back to caring about me? I am ready to run...... I hate the triggers and I hate all the unanswered questions, I hate not being able to just say f all of you..... 

And right now, with my h loss I cant bring up what we were dealing with right now, I know he needs time to morne his loss, and so do my kids.. so now not the time to talk or try to anyway... its like I just got to hold it all in and march on with life.. but it cannot just disappear like it never happened either.. Its like everyone wants to act as if it never happened.. well it did, and Im struggling with it every single day of my life......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you have not, you might want to discuss this with your children. I am sure they have a lot of mixed feelings and need a way to vent those feelings.

Maybe you can minimize your time around the family. And tell your husband why. He brought this pain into your family. He can deal with it.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

If you are asking about have I talked to them about how there feeling as in.... the grandparents or go out there... yes I post that I think in the first paragraph.. they want to forgive, they said they are trying to forgive there dad, and they want to forgive the family to.... and they want me with them through this....

If you are asking me if I have said anything to them about the way I am feeling.. NO.. and I wont.. they have enough to deal with, they dont need to worry about me or my feelings. I need to be there to support them. They lost somone that was very close to them, and even thou they was hurt so badly by the A and the pure hell the was put thru, they was already making amends with them then the sudden death happened..and it really shook there world apart that much more.. 

If they thought I was still having alot to deal with, or if they thout that me and there dad was still having issues or if I wasnt solid ground with there dad.. then there world would crash and I dont think they could handle it.....they have been throu alot and there is no way I am going to even make a rippel in there life right now.. I will be there solid surface no matter what... And I cant nor will I just let them deal or cope with it all on there own.....


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

And its kinda hard to tell your kids No.... the family and H are all going to the home to deal with everything, you get asked to come.. then you get calls or text from your kids saying, momma your coming arnt you, or momma were you at I thout you was coming or already be here. Momma we need you here... there is no way to say No... they need me, and even thou it hurts me..... I cant allow it to hurt them.. there world has to stay steady, and they lean on me alot..... they try to protect me, and they are happy about me and there dad together, right now is not the time... I can not cause there life to become more diffculte....


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> You do not have to go to that house and let people who hurt you lie to you. Do you think your kids are ok with it? You can offer them--in as neutral a way as possible--an "out." Tell them that if they find it difficult to go b/c of the history between you and their dad, then they don't have to.
> 
> It is one think for a family not to take sides when a couple is having issues. It is another for a family to actively permit the infidelity to go on in their home, and then lie about it. So hurtful. Stop trying to support them--they are not children grieving the loss of parents. If anyone judges you for this, then let them. No skin off your nose. And if h is still denying the affair--you caught them in bed? how can he?--then you don't really have any reconciliation going on. Take a stand and protect yourself; you deserve better.


I could not agree more. :iagree:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Im sorry, I ran through this quickly... I noticed that everytime your mentiond the children, you said "my" children rather than "our" children.. I did notice you said the kid's dad a couple times though... 

Is you H your kids biological father? How old are they and how many kids do you have?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I have not talked to my family in almost 5 years b/c of toxic acts towards me during difficult times in my marriage, but nothing was nearly as bad as what you are going through. 

Long story short, we were having problems, H had a 9month PA, I had a one night stand, everything eventually came out, fighting, divorce papers filed, all that jazz...we finally came to terms and decided to work things out. My family was very supportive when I was ready to leave him and totally turned on me when I wanted to work things out. So that's why we don't talk. If you can't support me and my decisions or my marriage, screw you. 

I was so hurt by my family but kept going back to more of the toxic behavior from them. Eventually I said enough is enough and I haven't looked back. It was the best decision I have made for my sanity and my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if they helped contribute to some of the problems that created the perfect situation for both of us to stray with their toxic game playing.....

I don't want to sound harsh, but you need to stop thinking about those other people and do what is right for you. Who cares about their grieving at this point. You are grieving too. Grieving over your marriage and the betrayal that you have went through. THAT THEY HELP PUT YOU THROUGH. You need to take the appropriate time for yourself to heal. Being in a place with triggers left and right IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU RIGHT NOW!!!

It has been 5 years since all the b.s. went down in my marriage. And I still get triggers. He still gets triggers. I hate triggers. After all this time, they are not nearly as painful when they occur but they are still there. Don't do that to yourself. Don't surround yourself with all of those horrible memories and emotions. It will be even worse since everyone around you is grieving. The energy will just be negative and depressing. And all you will be doing is re-living everything. You won't be able to think about anything other than whatever memories you get from the triggers. DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN RELIVING THAT PAIN!!!!!

It would be one thing if they knew about it and just chose not to tell you, but the whole ordeal of knowing and hiding and helping....I just can't get over that. And I'm just a reader on a forum. I can't even imagine the betrayal you feel with the entire situation. 

Please, take care of yourself. If you are trying to R with your husband, just know it will be a long and painful road. Your relationship will be stronger for it, but it will be very long and painful. Don't put yourself through any more pain than what is necessary to heal. 

Tthose evil people who couldn't even support you or your children or your marriage vows....they don't deserve your support now.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Im sorry, I ran through this quickly... I noticed that everytime your mentiond the children, you said "my" children rather than "our" children.. I did notice you said the kid's dad a couple times though...
> 
> Is you H your kids biological father? How old are they and how many kids do you have?


Yes they are his bilogical kids.... and they are 18, 17 and 14.... and I guess I do say my kids, just because when he did what he did I went into protection mode, and it felt like he,, no he did abandone them... so It became my kids instead of ours... I guess I might need to work on that.. didnt realize I was doing it till you pointed it out...

And Im reading, and some of what is being advised is starting to sink in.. but what if this hurts OUR kids even more?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Yes they are his bilogical kids.... and they are 18, 17 and 14.........And Im reading, and some of what is being advised is starting to sink in.. but what if this hurts OUR kids even more?


While your kids need support and someone to talk to, they are old enough to make their own decisions when it comes to who they want to hang out with when it comes to family. 

And I honestly think them seeing you so upset at your in-laws will hurt them more than them seeing their mom have a backbone and stand up for herself and her feelings!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> While your kids need support and someone to talk to, they are old enough to make their own decisions when it comes to who they want to hang out with when it comes to family.
> 
> And I honestly think them seeing you so upset at your in-laws will hurt them more than them seeing their mom have a backbone and stand up for herself and her feelings!




OKAY? and thats been some of my points all a long... they chose to make amends.. or forgive.. that is there choice to make.. thats not what im having a problem with...

This is a very delicate time for anyone regardless of there age, and there still kids, they ask me to be there for them.. and I dont care who you are, if you see your kids hurting and needing you.. your going to swallow your self/pain.. and support them.. thats called having a BACKBONE....... 

My words was..... I am trying to cope.. and not let the triggers wich or bad right now get to me... I dont want them to see that and im not going to be selfish and allow them to go thru it on there own either...... Would you your kids,,, really?????? 


I think I have more of a Backbone by holding strong and teaching them that righting a wrong by another wrong isnt how its done, and I sure am showing them that I will Always be there for them, no matter what..... somthing they really need right now, to have a solid foundation in there life... I dont need to shake there world more than it already is.... 

Besides I know this is wrong, in many ways then one.... but at this point in time It isnt right to go into more drama and cause OUR kids more pain than there already expriancing.... 

I just dont get how I am being labled as weak or with no backbone.. I think I would be more of a weakling if I duct out when Our kids needed me so badley just because I didnt want to deal with it, and shattered them even more... And another thing.... I know this isnt over I got alot to deal with it... IN TIME... I just got to find out how, when... and do it properly if there is such a thing...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I think I misunderstood the tone in your previous posts as being unwilling to stand up for yourself to your in laws...

Good luck to you.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I think I misunderstood the tone in your previous posts as being unwilling to stand up for yourself to your in laws...
> 
> Good luck to you.


No I guess it could be coming out wrong.... Thanks for your help.. really thanks for your help..


One of my main issues is the triggers.. which are very bad... and the fact that for the time being, all of the R is on hold at least for me it is..

I cant ask or request or demand, whichever it is, to know the truth. It just a very bad time, and ya going out to the inlaws or the calls is alot on me, because I dont want this to rug swept. I am afraid that this loss is going to lead to that...

I dont really know how or what to do, or how to lower the anxiety from all of it or the triggers or the thoughts about rug sweeping.. I need to talk this out with him, when the time is possible...

this is just making it that much harder, how everyone seems to act NOW like it never happened...how in the heck am I supposed to bring it up.. start the conversation.. I already was having the issue before because he considered nagging... Now who knows what he will consider it to be........... And when??? how long??? It just feels so wrong to me, but I cant at this time bring it up,,,,,, I just need to cope... I think.. but honestly what do I know.. I been getting advice from this board for awhile, and if I hadnt who know were I would be right now,, I sure was doing everything wrong.... that is until I came here..

So dont take me wrong.. I appreciate EVERYONES help!!!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I wish I had this board to come to when I was going through my issues in my marriage. It was a very toxic and hurtful time for me and the situation while similar, I don't think carried as much backstabbing from family as yours. I am truely sorry for that. It will be hard to forgive them and then trust them; especially if they are trying to sweep things under the rug during this time.

Stay strong when you can, it is ok to cry, and keep posting


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I wish I had this board to come to when I was going through my issues in my marriage. It was a very toxic and hurtful time for me and the situation while similar, I don't think carried as much backstabbing from family as yours. I am truely sorry for that. It will be hard to forgive them and then trust them; especially if they are trying to sweep things under the rug during this time.
> 
> Stay strong when you can, it is ok to cry, and keep posting


Thank you for your help.... And I will keep posting.. this is the only place I have to go to really be able to talk about it.. and get some real unbiase advice... plus with others who have been thru it, well to me there knowledge far out -weighs peolple I know who just want to throw out their "Well if it were me" opnions... 

So if anyone gots any opnions about this... Please post to me it is very much wanted and appreciated.......


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