# True love and libido



## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Dear fellow humans,
I am almost 40, and when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life. We all seem to be healthy, thank God.We have a comfortable life, doing many outdoor activities, having an interesting social life, going on vacations every year, eating out quite often, etc... But, as nobody is perfect, I can't help but feel unhappy because of my love relationship with my wife.

She's becoming distant and not showing much affection (one kiss/hug a day, oftentimes 0).
... and, you see it coming, my sex drive is higher than my wife's, and as I got rejected more regularly in time, I ended up losing confidence and getting weaker, I've reached a point where I can hardly handle the rejection anymore. My faith helps me, A LOT. 

I have detected a recurrent pattern, that's draining my energy and hope. After being rejected, I am going through phases of not asking anymore, containing my pain and sexual tension until I can't no more. We argue. We have sex once or twice, the next week, and then the cycle reset. Let's make it straight, for me the perfect moment to have sex is when we feel like it:

I could do it every day, I'll be a happy man making love to my wife one day out of two. (BTW, it doesn’t have to be “penetration” all the time…)
My wife is more like once a week.
I see you guys coming, she owns her body, so she does what she wants. Yes. And then we married and promised monogamy... So, we rely on each other for sex. Men bond and cement relationship through sex, that's a known fact. Also, I love her to the point that if she's not happy with me anymore, I wish she's going to be happier than ever in her next relationship. So again, yes, I truly love her. Let's get some things cleared:

I am a good-looking person, sporty, kind and honest.
I am kind with my wife and generous in all aspect.
I am doing my share in the housekeeping,
and I try to be the best father I can be.
I also try to be the best husband for my wife too
Being the best husband doesn't mean I don't have an attitude and that I am a "yes" man 
Anytime we have sex we both bust a nut.
yes, I also have many defaults... but can communicate and work on them
My pain gets more intense as I know that after a certain time, some people might love their interest in having sex with their spouse. 95% of the time, I am the one who engages physically, either for a kiss, a hug or a sex. It seems to be the case for my wife. Not for me, I find her sexier than ever. Despite both of us getting older, but I am fine with it, what can we do about that? Wrinkles don’t make people ugly… beauty is a whole. But she, and I get it, lost her interest in me. And that's OK, it happens more often than we think... Monogamy might be the problem or it could be me, or her, or both of us...

My sadness comes from the fact that I know, her libido is not dead at all and could thrive again, but probably not with me... I've witnessed many separated couples that had libido issues, having the best sex life ever after they find a new partner. For how long, only God knows ... That's life, it works this way. I wish I could re-ignite my libido with my wife, (I have been thinking about living in a different apartment, leaving the house for a couple days from time to time… but we have kids…) but she is not a great communicant and this make me think we are doomed in the long term. I am stranded in my sexual unsatisfaction until the day I can't handle it no more and we’ll split... I hate this thought. While we REALLY always enjoy it when we have sex, and let’s pretend we truly love each other.

Why, if you know that something hurts your lover, wouldn't you make an effort to heal and relief this pain?

I can't understand why, a woman or a man, would not make the effort of having sex with his/her partner when they know that the other is suffering from this lack of sexuality, WHILE spending hours on social media apps or in front of TV... Love, attention, hugs, kisses… And sex, it's lasts 30 mins, 45 mins showers included. Then there are 23 hours and 30 mins lefts… My hanger is amplified as I would throw my hand a blade for my wife (or any member of my family or friend...) Worth to mention, she doesn't suffer from having sex with me, I swear.

"I am tired."
"I don't want to re-take a shower.""
"We did it two days ago."
"Ah chores time again"
"I never ask anything from you, why don't you leave me alone"

Sex should never be too complicated; we should keep it simple. SIMPLE. Why does our spouse, spend hours on Instagram or Facebook or watching tv shows and not spend 30 mins to save, or cement or make his/her partner happy?

Why?

For me it’s an adamant proof that I am not her priority anymore. Is monogamy a scam? Does she hide something that she hates about me, physically or mentally? I have asked for doctor’s help; they provided Zoloft and that helped reduce my sex drive but side effects were too important (it changed my mood; I wasn’t me anymore). Sleeping pills in order not to think to much while I have my head on the pillow before sleeping… same thing it’s not sustainable.
Again, my faith helps me a lot but I am not invincible and faces highs and lows… like tonight.
Please if you think you can help, have any idea on how to fix or ease the pain coming from this situation, don’t hesitate.

Thanks for your time.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

1. First of all, regarding your perfect life, it sounds life hasn't kicked you in the balls yet. It will.
2. Second, you sound like a really nice guy. Stop being a *****, add a little ****head to you repertoire & maybe you'll build some desire in your wife.
3. Third, there's no extra charge for Enter keys on this forum. Try inserting an extra one after each paragraph.
4. In the future, no coffee for you for 4 hours prior to posting on TAM.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

julius144 said:


> Is monogamy a scam?


No but marriage is. It is past time that you start taking care of yourself and doing the things that need done to give yourself YOUR best life.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

julius144 said:


> I am almost 40, and when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
> I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life.
> We all seem to be healthy, thank God.
> We have a comfortable life, doing many outdoor activities, having an interesting social life, going on vacatio


This all sounds really good. How long have you been married?




julius144 said:


> I could do it every day, I'll be a happy man making love to my wife one day out of two. (BTW, it doesn’t have to be “penetration” all the time…)
> My wife is more like once a week.


When you say you want sex everyday are you wanting the act (she didn't have to be into it just present) or shared intimacy? 

For some men it's about the act. Sex is just a way to feel pleasure and maybe get some validation that they are a "good" lover. For others, sex is about being sexually desired.. For others it's about intimacy and emotional bonding. The latter require a vested partner who feels the same as they do. 

Once you figure out which category you belong to, and which one your wife falls under then you can decide how to address the problem. 

Right now you want sex everyday but your wife is happy with once a week. Obviously compromise is in order but without knowing the drivers for sex, it's hard to give you advice. 



julius144 said:


> She's becoming distant and not showing much affection (one kiss/hug a day, oftentimes 0).


Do you try to escalate every instance of affection into a sexual encounter? She may avoid showing affection because she's afraid that when she does it signals "let's have sex" to you.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You can't make someone desire sex with you....I don't blame you for giving up. most people don't want to keep going after someone when they are getting rejected...Despite what people say, books they will tell you to read, self help crap, counseling, etc...more than often the best you are going to get is weak, lame, duty type sex...Some are satisfied with that, a LOT of people will never be(raises hand)...My guess is the once a week you are getting now is likely just to get you off her back and keep you from losing it entirely....If she never initiates, then its just another indication that it's just duty sex...

It all boils down to these options at this point....

-Stay and just "take care of yourself"....It sucks but millions of guys are doing this and accepting this fate, as it allows them to not blow up their lives and not go down the road of infidelity(yes, i know some people think jerking off is some form of infidelity)...also bear in mind, that a lot of men's libido will drop off right around your age and older....That is a crap shoot, because some never do...My grandfather had a few women he was screwing when he was well into upper 70's..

-Go get what you want on the street, with someone else, or even a sex worker...Sounds like because of your faith this won't work either and getting involved with someone else while still married has it's own problems which are well documented.....

-Just pack up and leave...You don't have to make it acrimonious,,, If you otherwise get along with her, it shouldn't be too bad, but let's face it, a lot of people don't leave until it gets to the point of unbearable...

It's really unfortunate....When you think about it, when one person abandons the other sexually, it leads them into this type of trap, that has no real easy way out...Face the lion, the bear, or the tiger...either way you are screwed...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you had a nice talk with her where you tell her where this is heading and she if she can let you in on what the problem is?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> You can't make someone desire sex with you....I don't blame you for giving up. most people don't want to keep going after someone when they are getting rejected...Despite what people say, books they will tell you to read, self help crap, counseling, etc...more than often the best you are going to get is weak, lame, duty type sex...Some are satisfied with that, a LOT of people will never be(raises hand)...My guess is the once a week you are getting now is likely just to get you off her back and keep you from losing it entirely....If she never initiates, then its just another indication that it's just duty sex...
> 
> It all boils down to these options at this point....
> 
> ...


Yep...100% agree with Hama

OP your choices are pretty much live with it or leave. (I don't think even finding someone just for sex is an option as not sure many women are into that...unless you pay them) Some here will tell you they were able to get their wives to turn around...others are just lucky and have a woman who wants sex. Either way, I think those numbers are low. Sure there are a handfull here that have but thats a very low percentage in the big picture. Go search the net and see how many success stories there are...not many.

Otherwise the rest are like you and I so the way I see it, your only choice is to leave and try to find a woman who does (like sex). Sad reality but thats how it is.

Best of luck


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Have you had a nice talk with her where you tell her where this is heading and she if she can let you in on what the problem is?


But you know she probably

1. Won't even want to talk about it
2. Say there is no real problem

But yeah you are right CC the first thing to do is to try to talk but I wouldn't give that too many tries.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> your only choice is to leave and try to find a woman who does (like sex)


...only to discover after a few months that she, too, doesn't have a sex drive and was using sex to promote a relationship with him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But you know she probably
> 
> 1. Won't even want to talk about it
> 2. Say there is no real problem
> ...


That’s fine. He says he loves her so he should at least try to see if she will come to him and if she’ll let him in on any problems.

It’s probably worth it for the OP to check out something like @dadstartingover book Dead Bedroom Fix to see if he has needy behaviors that are driving her away. If he does have those, correct all those things for several months before having the talk and at that point have it once.

The dynamic where OP is doing this repeatedly is bad and is causing resentment.

The OP admits she is likely LL4U in that if she was in a new relationship he imagines she would be having sex more freely. I imagined the same thing about my wife and I was right because I made myself into that person she’d be having sex with.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Some here will tell you they were able to get their wives to turn around...others are just lucky and have a woman who wants sex. Either way, I think those numbers are low. Sure there are a handfull here that have but thats a very low percentage in the big picture. Go search the net and see how many success stories there are...not many.


One component in common with all of them that I have seen and myself as well is that all of the success story people were willing to walk or in the process of walking.

I think it’s a critical component in that if the LL values the relationship at all they need to know it will not continue unless the bedroom situation gets fixed.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

julius144 said:


> For me it’s an adamant proof that I am not her priority anymore.


So at one point she was having sex at a level you found acceptable?

You need to let her know that this can’t continue and you will work with her to change whatever you need to change on your end to fix it, but if she doesn’t make an effort that’s it. You sound like you’re already kind of prepared to leave, once you know you will leave if it’s not fixed then make some time (outside the bedroom) to talk about these issues and let her know the situation can’t continue as it is now.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But you know she probably
> 
> 1. Won't even want to talk about it
> 2. Say there is no real problem
> ...


Um, do you think we could let the OP answer this before projecting your own situation into it?

Like Jeopardy, these things are much better in the form of a question...to the OP.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP:

What complaints does your wife have about you besides not leaving her alone? Not necessarily just about you, but about life in general.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy.

Used to make my head explode when wife would say "We just had sex the other day". 

No, it was 12 days ago.

Those books helped me realize some things and changes i needed to make. Along with removing her from the pedestal i placed her on. 

She finally came to the understanding that sex was much more to me than a feel good physical activity. It was an emotional bonding activity, and by it being sparce from her withholding it was doing damage to the bond i had with her and what that end result would be. 

We have sex almost daily now. Not quickies either...im not capable. Quick is 45 min. 40% of the time i do not even reach climax. I do not care, it is about the bond it creates that i feel with her. 

She had always had orgasm through PIV so it was not that. She had let so much stuff that did not matter take up too much of her head space. Hence not realizing last time she made love to her hubby was almost 2 weeks prior.


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## g62wolf (Oct 5, 2021)

, I've reached a point where I can hardly handle the rejection anymore.
My faith helps me, A LOT.
when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life.




1 Corinthians 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife.


even feminist may disagree, this is how it works ( and works well )


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tell your wife that she will be pleased to know that you have found a solution to your intimacy issues that you are sure she will be thrilled with, given that you won't need to bother her.

Then ask her if she knows what Only Fans is.
Make sure you know what it is first.

Serious side. Appears that your wife is very comfortable telling you, 'No.'
How comfortable is she getting the same response from you. And how often do you exercise 'No.'?


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I feel like from your post there is more in your marriage than just her low libido. It seems not only she does not want to have sex with you she is not interested in fundamental physical touch, kiss or hug.

"Ah chores time again" if my wife told me this even once I don't think I would be able to be intimate with her ever again.

I personally don't think I would be able to live in such marriage. Eventually, your resentment of her will boil over an you will either find what is missing outside of your marriage or you will finally leave her. Why wait until this moment occurs?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Sorry if I have no advice that may fit in your worldview and neither in the one of most of people.

I think that a sexless marriage (exception made for a well diagnosed health issue) is also a loveless relationship.
Sexual intimacy may or not need to always involve the activities that are classically understood as "having sex" (better if it does) but the kind of* full Love and complete Love* that ancient Greeks called Eros (the specific one suited for the human couple). The one that we use to name as_* being in love*_.
So, coming from that frame I find the Soul / Flesh dualism of some views as a kind of pervertion of our natures and of the nature of love itself.

That given and again I will not voice an advice to you but you may infer which one would it be.


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## Fibifib (Oct 7, 2021)

I am sorry to read your story. This must feel very tough on you!

I might be an unicorn, but I am honestly not believing in woman as less sexual than men at all — because I am a woman with an high sex drive. ( Depending on my cycle of course, but if turned on I could have sex every day!)

Although, it was a long way for me to become comfortable and confident enough to have “real sex”. I mean the freedom of letting go and showing my pleasure as well as telling what I really like.
It was a learning curve and I’ve been in relationships, in which I felt sex was a chore — because I didn’t know any better. 

After I had my first child, I had so much pain while having sex, that I feared it. We had to relearn how to have pleasure without having actual penetration. I went to see a Pelvic Floor Specialist and she really helped me release my pain. So, it might be one reason why your wife lost interest. It wasn’t easy for me to tell those things to my husband at the time.

What I am suggesting here is, that I believe there might be a solution for your problem, if your wife opens up to you. But it means for you to be patient and to give her the space and trust to open up and find her libido again. Sometimes this means going unconventional routes — like playing with massages, going on holiday, listening for her needs and cues or whatever would turn her on.

I feel I can trust my husband. I don’t feel forced to have sex with him. We show each other affection in small gestures daily without the pressure to have sex right away. And we both say no to each other on occasions, but more often yes.

I am pretty sure women are most often more sexual than their label. It’s just different and probably more complex than of men. There might be a high chance that you can reconnect with your wife, but it means to be open with her without putting pressure on her.

Maybe your way of initiating sex feels egoistic to her? Maybe if you show her you are interested in her pleasure and fantasies first, she might learn to really enjoy sex with you again?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

My wife is also a once-a-week person according to her but between her job, period and migraines it ends up being once every other week.

WRT to the zoning out, I would say that most middle-aged women’s brains are processing something when awake. The concept of the mental “nothing box” that guys routinely access is foreign to most women. We can switch from task to nothing box easily. Like your wife, mine is always going until it’s Saturday, and she’s got enough sleep, and she worked out and the kids are fine by themselves and she’s not on her period and she doesn’t have a headache and we have nothing planned… then she’s ready. But recently she told me she just never thinks about it and if it comes on TV she fast-forwards likes it’s gross. So she doesn’t understand what it’s like to think about it as much as I do nor do I not know what not being able to turn my brain off is like.

Sex doesn’t equal love for our spouses. It’s an itch to scratch that can quickly turn into a chore. Now if you reject them or chest… totally different reaction. An argument can be made that she does love you in a familial way primarily. You can’t force desire but you can argue that she takes your sexuality and attraction for granted. Everyday she just assumes her car will start or the credit card will work. There are thousands of women who would gladly change places with your wife. A lot of sexual desire is driven by something unpredictable.

Stuff I did…

- Explained what sex means to men in general and me specifically. She thought it was all about getting off like porn. She didn’t think I need connection… wrong.

- I took her off the pedestal and trying to make her life perfect and doing things she liked but that wasn’t her love language. She isn’t doing the same for me so why continue. It’s a covert contract.

- Stopped the pursuit. I used to get mad she didn’t do things with me that i liked and talking about what I wanted to about was like playing catch and the ball hits them in chest and falls to the ground. I would be romantic and thoughtful while she wasn’t. I became apathetic to her dreams and wants. Did she notice… yep and I explained why.

- Get needs met elsewhere. I told her our relationship is unfulfilling mostly due to her intimacy issues, fear of looking bad, and just a lack of curiosity. I connect doing things together, she assumes I want to do alone hence why I get a lot of “withdrawn lately” queries. She not much of a non-sexual touch person, OK, I’ll get a massage. Golf’s dumb? OK I’ll go with my buddies. Conversation? Get it from my friends and coworkers.

- Learn to say “no”. She was big on dreams of what “we need/want.” When it came to what wanted it was “nothing’s ever good enough for you.” I quit being a genie and pushed it back in her lap. New house was a big one. Lots of wants, zero interest in making it happen. Nothing is good enough for her. She gave up. I’ll talk about it to connect with her but don’t own her dreams anymore. I told her i would love our sex life to be a hobby instead of a super secret program we never talk about but nobody ever gets everything they want in a relationship.

- Communicate an uncertain future. My wife focuses on surviving today and a glowing fantasy future. That ignores the problems in the present. If we’re not connected now we won’t be in 15 years. Connecting 30 minutes a month (non-sexually) won’t cut it especially if it’s most how she wants to connect. She responded by trying to do date nights which she isn’t a fan of but she is happy being an exhausted mom.

Is it resulting in more sex… no… but the sex is better. She’s also decided she needed to work on herself a lot. Also two of her friends are divorcing which made her realize it’s never impossible.

Meeting needs is done best with a genuine heart to see your partner happy versus invalidating those needs which happens a lot with sex. You do have to take care of you and if that means you are on your own more so be it. If it’s apparent you’re drifting apart you can point out that you are but don’t mention sex. She will have a choice and odds are the distance will spark her desire to help the relationship.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Noman said:


> 1. First of all, regarding your perfect life, it sounds life hasn't kicked you in the balls yet. It will.
> 2. Second, you sound like a really nice guy. Stop being a ***, add a little ****head to you repertoire & maybe you'll build some desire in your wife.
> 3. Third, there's no extra charge for Enter keys on this forum. Try inserting an extra one after each paragraph.
> 4. In the future, no coffee for you for 4 hours prior to posting on TAM.


1 - Tell me something I don't know. I won't apologize for being in the pursuit of the best happiness at any given time.
2 - I get the idea, but unfortunately, this won't help because it ain't the case. I am nice man but I ain't a "yes" man.
3 - Fixed
4 - I don't drink coffee 

Thanks for your help


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> No but marriage is. It is past time that you start taking care of yourself and doing the things that need done to give yourself YOUR best life.


Agreed in some way (at least my way), we shouldn't confuse monogamy and marriage. I might have fallen for a bit in the pitfall of marriage by not thinking about myself as much as I should have.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Lila said:


> This all sounds really good. How long have you been married?
> 
> When you say you want sex everyday are you wanting the act (she didn't have to be into it just present) or shared intimacy?
> 
> ...


Hi there 

We've been married for almost 12 years and this problem started 3 years ago.

By everyday I mean: one day it can be a quickie, another one just foreplays, another one getting intimate (chatting in bed), another one the works, another one resting... She doesn't have to be in the "love" mood all the time, quickies are fine too.



> For some men it's about the act. Sex is just a way to feel pleasure and maybe get some validation that they are a "good" lover. For others, sex is about being sexually desired.. For others it's about intimacy and emotional bonding. The latter require a vested partner who feels the same as they do.


I must admit that for me it's pleasure + validation + emotional bonding as well. Which would refuse to be sexually desired... not me 
For my wife it ain't about validation, it's more about pleasure. She doesn't need it as often as I do, but when she wants/needs it.... damn she's a freak!
FYI even when she's not in the mood for it, she ends up admitted she enjoyed it (no arrogance here just facts)



> Do you try to escalate every instance of affection into a sexual encounter? She may avoid showing affection because she's afraid that when she does it signals "let's have sex" to you.


You might get a point here. This could be the reason she limits daily affection. 100% the reason she might avoid evening affection.

Thanks for your insight


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

hamadryad said:


> You can't make someone desire sex with you....I don't blame you for giving up. most people don't want to keep going after someone when they are getting rejected...Despite what people say, books they will tell you to read, self help crap, counseling, etc...more than often the best you are going to get is weak, lame, duty type sex...Some are satisfied with that, a LOT of people will never be(raises hand)...My guess is the once a week you are getting now is likely just to get you off her back and keep you from losing it entirely....If she never initiates, then its just another indication that it's just duty sex...
> 
> It all boils down to these options at this point....
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response, it is indeed, sad to reach the point we've reached. I'd add that her being a bad communicant doesn't help at all.

The hardest thing for me, and you got that, is the rejection.

I have pride... It's so hard for me to swallow it because of my physical needs.

I want to slap myself in the face when I accept her few initiations for sex. 

Refusing = frustration and anger
Accepting = frustration and shame

She wins, she knows she's got the upper hand, she can survive without sex and intimacy, I can too but with maximum mental pain.

While dealing with rejection should be taken lightly in order to overcome any psychological blockage. I've reached the point where I can't hardly handle the gentlest rejection from her (but she's never gentle)


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

aaarghdub said:


> My wife is also a once-a-week person according to her but between her job, period and migraines it ends up being once every other week.
> 
> WRT to the zoning out, I would say that most middle-aged women’s brains are processing something when awake. The concept of the mental “nothing box” that guys routinely access is foreign to most women. We can switch from task to nothing box easily. Like your wife, mine is always going until it’s Saturday, and she’s got enough sleep, and she worked out and the kids are fine by themselves and she’s not on her period and she doesn’t have a headache and we have nothing planned… then she’s ready. But recently she told me she just never thinks about it and if it comes on TV she fast-forwards likes it’s gross. So she doesn’t understand what it’s like to think about it as much as I do nor do I not know what not being able to turn my brain off is like.
> 
> ...


aaarghdub thanks for this thorough response and for sharing advice here. I clearly see similarities in our relationships with our wives.

Starting with your last paragraph, 100% agreed. Right now my mindset is not "I don't have enough sex and sex is the issue" it's more "I am not happy with our love life". I want her to be happy, truly.

"- Explained what sex means to men in general and me specifically. She thought it was all about getting off like porn. She didn’t think I need connection… wrong."



> Done that already, she knows I love sex, she's also the perfect sex partner when she's "on"


"- I took her off the pedestal and trying to make her life perfect and doing things she liked but that wasn’t her love language. She isn’t doing the same for me so why continue. It’s a covert contract."



> things are balanced here, she's got my back for cooking I got her back on other stuff (kid's homework, home maintenance etc)


"- Stopped the pursuit. I used to get mad she didn’t do things with me that i liked and talking about what I wanted to about was like playing catch and the ball hits them in chest and falls to the ground. I would be romantic and thoughtful while she wasn’t. I became apathetic to her dreams and wants. Did she notice… yep and I explained why."

"Learn to say “no”



> I might gear up on these ones, I am too supportive...


"- Get needs met elsewhere. I told her our relationship is unfulfilling mostly due to her intimacy issues, fear of looking bad, and just a lack of curiosity. I connect doing things together, she assumes I want to do alone hence why I get a lot of “withdrawn lately” queries. She not much of a non-sexual touch person, OK, I’ll get a massage. Golf’s dumb? OK I’ll go with my buddies. Conversation? Get it from my friends and coworkers."



> We shouldn't do everything together anyway, this maintains the routine, routine "can" be bad for the couple


Thanks for reading and helping man!


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Have you had a nice talk with her where you tell her where this is heading and she if she can let you in on what the problem is?


Too many times. We argued and talked so much that we convened that if the issue happens again we will consider separation.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> That’s fine. He says he loves her so he should at least try to see if she will come to him and if she’ll let him in on any problems.
> 
> It’s probably worth it for the OP to check out something like @dadstartingover book Dead Bedroom Fix to see if he has needy behaviors that are driving her away. If he does have those, correct all those things for several months before having the talk and at that point have it once.
> 
> ...


Hi CCpowerslave, do you have a link for the Dead Bedroom Fixes you mentioned?

Will you please share what you changed to become that man that your wife wanted to have sex with? 

Thanks


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> Um, do you think we could let the OP answer this before projecting your own situation into it?
> 
> Like Jeopardy, these things are much better in the form of a question...to the OP.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk





FloridaGuy1 said:


> But you know she probably
> 
> 1. Won't even want to talk about it
> 2. Say there is no real problem
> ...


We talked to often about this issue. She's stubborn, I am too... We know that we've been past the point of arguing again about this. Damocles' sword's above our heads.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> So at one point she was having sex at a level you found acceptable?
> 
> You need to let her know that this can’t continue and you will work with her to change whatever you need to change on your end to fix it, but if she doesn’t make an effort that’s it. You sound like you’re already kind of prepared to leave, once you know you will leave if it’s not fixed then make some time (outside the bedroom) to talk about these issues and let her know the situation can’t continue as it is now.


She's a great sex partner, only the frequency sucks.
A long time ago, before we became parents, she was the perfect partner. 
Also, about how it started, I am unsure if: my sex drive increased? OR it felts like it increased because she started declined more in time.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

farsidejunky said:


> OP:
> 
> What complaints does your wife have about you besides not leaving her alone? Not necessarily just about you, but about life in general.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Only thing she complains about face to face is me bugging her for more sex. I wish she would tell me the other things that bugs her about me. "God bless the ones that tell me the truth about my defaults."
She doesn't work so she's not happy with her professional life.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Read Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy.
> 
> Used to make my head explode when wife would say "We just had sex the other day".
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice, which one do you recommend me to start with? I think taking her down the pedestal and explaining that sex is much more than "physical" will help a lot here.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I feel like from your post there is more in your marriage than just her low libido. It seems not only she does not want to have sex with you she is not interested in fundamental physical touch, kiss or hug.
> 
> "Ah chores time again" if my wife told me this even once I don't think I would be able to be intimate with her ever again.
> 
> I personally don't think I would be able to live in such marriage. Eventually, your resentment of her will boil over an you will either find what is missing outside of your marriage or you will finally leave her. Why wait until this moment occurs?


You just can't imagine how hard it is to hear that, but at least she tells the truth. My pride is the only thing that shuts down my sex drive. When I heard that, as you might imagine I told her what I thought about that answer and then turned my back.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Deejo said:


> Tell your wife that she will be pleased to know that you have found a solution to your intimacy issues that you are sure she will be thrilled with, given that you won't need to bother her.
> 
> Then ask her if she knows what Only Fans is.
> Make sure you know what it is first.
> ...


She doesn't care when I say no as she can hold longer than me without sex.
But here's my point, I always down for sex...
When I say no, it's often a "revenge" no, I am then torn inside.

My cravings for sex might be my achille...


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Fibifib said:


> I am sorry to read your story. This must feel very tough on you!
> 
> I might be an unicorn, but I am honestly not believing in woman as less sexual than men at all — because I am a woman with an high sex drive. ( Depending on my cycle of course, but if turned on I could have sex every day!)
> 
> ...


"I might be an unicorn, but I am honestly not believing in woman as less sexual than men at all — because I am a woman with an high sex drive. ( Depending on my cycle of course, but if turned on I could have sex every day!)"



> That's what I need to figure out


"Although, it was a long way for me to become comfortable and confident enough to have “real sex”. I mean the freedom of letting go and showing my pleasure as well as telling what I really like.
It was a learning curve and I’ve been in relationships, in which I felt sex was a chore — because I didn’t know any better."



> the quality of our sexual relations has never stopped improving in time. we're open to each other about fantasies.
> maybe I am the problem by not succeeding in turning her on


"I feel I can trust my husband. I don’t feel forced to have sex with him. We show each other affection in small gestures daily without the pressure to have sex right away. And we both say no to each other on occasions, but more often yes."
"Maybe your way of initiating sex feels egoistic to her? Maybe if you show her you are interested in her pleasure and fantasies first, she might learn to really enjoy sex with you again?"



> maybe you're right I can't tell without being subjective


thanks for your help!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

julius144 said:


> . When I heard that, as you might imagine I told her what I thought about that answer and then turned my back.


Perhaps stating this would get through to her:
"Wow chores take precedence over making love with your husband. I guess I now see how far down your importance scale I am. I will have to start making these same changes so that YOU are no longer on the top of my importance scale."
And then START doing that. Do things for YOU and your kids. Let her fend for herself. Go to the gym for yourself. Go out and hang with friends for you.
By her doing this, she is being very disrespectful to YOU and your marriage. She is certainly not being Christian.


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## julius144 (Oct 10, 2021)

Fibifib said:


> I am sorry to read your story. This must feel very tough on you!
> 
> I might be an unicorn, but I am honestly not believing in woman as less sexual than men at all — because I am a woman with an high sex drive. ( Depending on my cycle of course, but if turned on I could have sex every day!)
> 
> ...


We had a discussion and you were right about the fact that she limits the physical contact by fear that I would systematically escalate to having sex.

Also, she said she felt pressured to have sex and this was blocking her.

Now we are stuck, I don't know how to initiate contact and be tactile with her. It's ridiculous as it forces us to go straight to the "you want to make love?" question... so cold.

I used to be very tactile very talkative until she barred me so rudely that I stopped. It turned me into a cold husband as well. It's a vicious circle.

She says I am asking too much, and if I was denying her more often maybe she would be more excited.

Tell a water deprived-thirsty man if he wants to drink...

How could you deny sex when you've been craving for it...

There is a big discrepancy in the way we handle this situation, I was ready for whatever to fix me, she is not... or she feels like she did her best.

Fixing me is also a mistake cause there is nothing to fix, I am as I am.

Marriage and relationship are about understanding each other and compromise to reach happiness.

She hears me, but she doesn't listen to me.

I would have given everything that I had to relieve my pain, now I know it is not a good idea. One cannot solve a "couple" issue it has to be two.

I wonder if someone has an idea about how to escape this vicious circle.

Can you expand on that part of your response?

"I feel I can trust my husband. I don’t feel forced to have sex with him. We show each other affection in small gestures daily without the pressure to have sex right away. And we both say no to each other on occasions, but more often yes.

I am pretty sure women are most often more sexual than their label. It’s just different and probably more complex than of men. There might be a high chance that you can reconnect with your wife, but it means being open with her without putting pressure on her. "

Has your husband already felt being sexually deprived and succeeded in barring you?

Some men can make it, but to be honest, I hardly imagine many situations when I'd say no to my wife initiating sex?


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Some good books mentioned here, I'd add in the Rational Male, books 1 and 2 at the very least. You want to get to the root of what caused this.

Good luck.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

julius144 said:


> She's a great sex partner, only the frequency sucks.


are you sure about this? What I'm hearing from you is different: 


julius144 said:


> she limits the physical contact by fear that I would systematically escalate to having sex.





julius144 said:


> We argued and talked so much that we convened that if the issue happens again we will consider separation.


Basically, seldom if ever (unless forced by fear) a woman would regain her libido for more; quite the contrary as time goes by is less, no more (certain medical/mental conditions can act as a catalyst for more, but usually this happens with somebody else not you).

So realistically speaking as time goes by, regardless of how much blah, blah, blah, you might try with the wife, all you're going to get is more and more rejections and avoidance, regardless of how she feels about you (romantically/emotionally), so you can try all the books you want, there may be a change in her thinking and might understand, and will "put up" for the sake of the marriage, but make not mistake, it won't be because she's now turn on by you every time you want sex. 

So you basically have three choices:
1. put up with the frequency and shut up.
2. Do not put up with the frequency and force the issue as to how often is a middle ground frequency for the both of you and agreed.
3. You go and get your needs met somewhere else. Not willing to do that? then look at number 1.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

julius144 said:


> Dear fellow humans,
> I am almost 40, and when I take a look at my life, I can't help but thank God.
> I have two beautiful children, a beautiful wife, a strong faith. I am also pretty successful in my work life. We all seem to be healthy, thank God.We have a comfortable life, doing many outdoor activities, having an interesting social life, going on vacations every year, eating out quite often, etc... But, as nobody is perfect, I can't help but feel unhappy because of my love relationship with my wife.
> 
> ...


Not sure about everything Norman said. I think your short story is well articulated and there are plenty of spaces between the paragraphs. lol I did laugh though. Unfortunately even as a woman I agree you may need to stop being SO NICE as Norman, put it a little more harsh than that. I'm in a similar situation, except my husband won't help in the slightest and has never been interested in making love, just getting inside then being done. I can't speak as to why your wife isn't responding in the way you hoped. Except she may just be too comfortable, complacent is the word for it.

Complacency in marriage is so dangerous. You stop appreciating your spouse and just get used to them and their routine that makes your life easier and things run smoothly. At least that is what it sounds like your spouse has done. It's a hard talk it sounds like you need to have.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

To OP, how does God helped / is helping you regarding the rejection in the bedroom with your wife? I assume you can’t just pray away the sex drive? I am not challenging your faith, I am genuinely interested in the answer.

** semi joking ** and you get it like once or twice a week and you call it bad? It’s a pain? You should check out those “sexless marriage” threads. LOL or simply just ask me. I have the memory of a dog and I don’t even remember when was my “last time”… LOL


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> So you basically have three choices:
> 1. put up with the frequency and shut up.
> 2. Do not put up with the frequency and force the issue as to how often is a middle ground frequency for the both of you and agreed.
> 3. *You go and get your needs met somewhere else.* Not willing to do that? then look at number 1.


I wonder how this conversation will change soon when the option of a realistic sex robot becomes available. with AI technology, they are getting much better at faking real human beings.

imagine being able to come home, access the sex bot app, and crank the robot's horniness up to 11!

I wonder how many women will end up in the ER, having been pummeled for hours by the sex bot until they can no longer walk.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

DLC said:


> To OP, how does God helped / is helping you regarding the rejection in the bedroom with your wife? I assume you can’t just pray away the sex drive? I am not challenging your faith, I am genuinely interested in the answer.
> 
> ** semi joking ** and you get it like once or twice a week and you call it bad? It’s a pain? You should check out those “sexless marriage” threads. LOL or simply just ask me. I have the memory of a dog and I don’t even remember when was my “last time”… LOL



I have to give my 2 cents on this older post. 
My ex-wife said, marry me and God will bless our marriage to get over any trouble that come our way. 
Fastforward and that became true. God helped me see the light and get out of that miserable relationship, then told me to watch out for the devil, he will deceive you in the beginning, in which he was talking about my ex-wife. Just ask her 5 exes since me and her miserable husband she has now.


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