# One month



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Today marks one month since meeting with my husband and the couple's counsellor to tell him that I wanted a trial separation. I've learned a lot in the last month!

I enjoy living on my own. Coming home to 2 really excited dogs is fantastic! Pre-separation, I'd find myself on edge, waiting for H's car to pull into the garage. The dogs would be super-excited, but the feeling that I got was more of heaviness and resignation.

Taking on all of the responsibilities on my own isn't a big deal. The only task that he really took over 100% was getting the garbage ready and to the curb the night before garbage day. In the past month, I've twice had to Google when the collection day is in my area because I keep forgetting, but the actual task adds 5 minutes to my day, that's all. I did probably 80% of everything else anyways, so taking on that additional 20% is okay. Living expenses are also a lot less, and I've cut down wherever I could.

I have great friends and family! I get random texts and phone calls from my girlfriends, asking how I'm doing, seeing if I want to go for a coffee or dog walk. Having their support and friendship means the world. My folks are also fantastic, and I talk to both of them pretty much everyday. The dog groomer suggested that I let the dogs spend more time with their "Grandpa" to keep up that male influence, and boy have they enjoyed that; both of them stay closer to his side these days. 

I have my sexual appetite back, and it seems to be back with a vengeance. There's a man that I've been friends with for about 10 years, and during that time, we've kept coming back to each other when our lives allow it. I wasn't sure if this should be happening during a separation, or if it's wrong, but after some thought, I came to the conclusion that I've felt single for most of our marriage, and that having fun and having fun with someone is something that I wanted to do. It's nothing serious; we both know that, but are just enjoying each other.

This weekend, my parents are coming over to help me out with a couple things, packing up some of H's things is one of them. It will probably be a tough task, but one that will also be cathartic. The marriage was never a healthy one, and it will be healthy for me to pack a few things away, and get my place back to more… my place. I've also got some future camping plans with a girlfriend, which we're both really excited about! Four days away to cook over an open fire, spend some time with one of my best girls, do some hiking and photography. It'll be fun!

Life's good, and so far, I have no regrets. I still haven't cried about the separation, which I thought for sure would happen, but it's just been such a relief for body, mind and spirit. I've also met with my therapist, and she noticed a change for the better; she said that I seemed way more relaxed. Plans for the future? I'm not sure! It's open, and that's scary and exciting all at the same time; mostly exciting!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Today marks one month since meeting with my husband and the couple's counsellor to tell him that I wanted a trial separation. I've learned a lot in the last month!
> 
> I enjoy living on my own. Coming home to 2 really excited dogs is fantastic! Pre-separation, I'd find myself on edge, waiting for H's car to pull into the garage. The dogs would be super-excited, but the feeling that I got was more of heaviness and resignation.
> 
> ...


I love this post !! I do !! :wink2: 

Especially the part about getting [back and forth] your sexual appetite, got MAN-nip-you-elated. 

This should be a man's most important job. 

The other jobs ensure that this one is welcomed. 

As boxes are completed and checked off.... 

Job Jar duties completed, the final Furry Box is reached, opened, sniffed.......
Your pleasure points are attended to and checked off, with the insertion and flurry of his fat ink pen....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Im so glad to read that you are doing so well! I can remember this feeling very clearly!


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

What a great post Ursula

Appetite is everything in life, no taste no life, enjoy yours fully

I feel a lot of what you have said is reflecting my experience also

My wife left three weeks past Sunday for a new man from her work

I have really enjoyed my own company, no rules but everything gets done

My wife only did the shopping and now my son and i enjoy this chore and we buy far healthier foods also

I have ripped up our house and gave her everything she wanted

It really is not all bad when bad things happen, i paid all the bills so no change their

In fact not to be too blunt, my morning wood is back after years away, welcome home soldier, you were missed.

Some people have really bad experiences and i felt very low for a few days but soon sprang into life when i realised i had a responsibility to myself to get some order back, and order is what i have restored

Waiting for my son to get in so i can start dinner and all is good, hope i can keep it up.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Yes.. I love this post too!!! I'm so happy that 'things' are moving along and your taking control. That's great and it inspires me...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You said this was supposed to be a trial separation, but it sounds like you've decided to make it permanent. Have you told him? If not, you are cheating.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> You said this was supposed to be a trial separation, but it sounds like you've decided to make it permanent. Have you told him? If not, you are cheating.


Hi MbH, this separation has been in the works for a good couple of years on my part, and I'm not sure what else to call it but a trial separation. We went to a couple's counsellor, and are meeting back there at the beginning of August to see where things stand. I have no idea where he stands or what he wants, but for me, this marriage has been over for quite some time. I've felt nothing but friend/roommate feelings for H for the past couple of years. But, this is what I worried about in getting sexually involved with someone during this time: am I in fact cheating when I feel nothing towards H but hope that he finds someone who compliments his personality and lifestyle. I also don't plan on getting back together with him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Hi MbH, this separation has been in the works for a good couple of years on my part, and I'm not sure what else to call it but a trial separation. We went to a couple's counsellor, and are meeting back there at the beginning of August to see where things stand. I have no idea where he stands or what he wants, but for me, this marriage has been over for quite some time. I've felt nothing but friend/roommate feelings for H for the past couple of years. But, this is what I worried about in getting sexually involved with someone during this time: am I in fact cheating when I feel nothing towards H but hope that he finds someone who compliments his personality and lifestyle. I also don't plan on getting back together with him.


My feeling is that if you leave with no intention of returning, you're free to do as you wish, including dating. My marriage had been over for years when I left - I had planned to leave for a long time, and she knew it - so I was ready to start dating again immediately once I left. And did. It wasn't clear to me if by "trial" you intended to try to get back together - if that had been the case, then dating certainly won't advance that goal!

Regardless, I'm glad that you feel so much better on your own. The sense of relief and freedom was incredible when I left - an incredible burden was suddenly lifted.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have always been of the opinion that if you are not working on (or even hoping for) reconciliation, then it isnt cheating if you start seeing someone while separated. Different story if you are actually trying to save the marriage. Do let him know though when you go back to the counselor that you ARE indeed done for good. To do otherwise is unfair and low.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Hi MbH, this separation has been in the works for a good couple of years on my part, and I'm not sure what else to call it but a trial separation. We went to a couple's counsellor, and are meeting back there at the beginning of August to see where things stand. I have no idea where he stands or what he wants, but for me, this marriage has been over for quite some time. I've felt nothing but friend/roommate feelings for H for the past couple of years. But, this is what I worried about in getting sexually involved with someone during this time: am I in fact cheating when I feel nothing towards H but hope that he finds someone who compliments his personality and lifestyle. I also don't plan on getting back together with him.


If you have not clearly and definitively communicated the end of all avenues to reconcile, what would you consider it?

Then live with your choice.

You have gained so much, be careful not to make it something that takes away from that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> What a great post Ursula
> 
> Appetite is everything in life, no taste no life, enjoy yours fully
> 
> ...


 @KevinZX, I just read your other thread, and am sorry to hear about your situation. From this post though, it does sound like you're holding up okay, which is great! I also felt pretty low for a few days, but as I started getting into a new routine, and keeping busy doing things that I enjoy, life started to settle down. One big thing that I noticed is that the fun-loving part of my personality started to come back. It still amazes me how much an unhealthy relationship can sap a person's spirit. I wish you and your son the best of luck for the future!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Does your husband realize it's permanent?

What was his reaction?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Does your husband realize it's permanent?
> 
> What was his reaction?


I would like to think that he realizes this, because of all the talking we had done about how unhealthy our relationship had gotten over the years. We had a half dozen conversations about it in the past year, and probably that many per year for the 3 years prior. He was still blindsided though, so I'm not sure what he thinks to be honest; he may think that things are still 100% peachy keen. They haven't been since 2013 though.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

I'm glad you're doing better!

You really need to tell your husband this is permanent if he doesn't understand that. As guys we need to be told very directly. Saying things like "trial separation" is counterintuitive to what you're actually saying here. 


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If the separation was presented to him as temporary then he probably still thinks it is. Since you know it's permanent -- and he doesn't -- why wait another month to tell him?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Why we're waiting another month is something that my own therapist questioned me about as well, and I'll say the same thing that I told her. When H and I met with the couple's counsellor, we made an agreement of no contact for 8 weeks, and I want to uphold my end of that agreement of no contact.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Why we're waiting another month is something that my own therapist questioned me about as well, and I'll say the same thing that I told her. When H and I met with the couple's counsellor, we made an agreement of no contact for 8 weeks, and I want to uphold my end of that agreement of no contact.


That really isn't a good excuse and a convenient way to avoid the conversation for now in my opinion. If your done your done, there's nothing wrong with that. Your making assumptions he knows its over but he could be holding out hope etc. Him potentially waiting around for a couple of months is only going to create bitter feelings for him, delay his and your "moving forward" from this marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I too think you should tell him directly that this is permanent and you're both free to do as you wish. 

Its honourable and could save you from accusations if you go forward with someone else.

What's obvious to you might not be to him, particularly if being away from you has caused him to miss you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

honcho said:


> That really isn't a good excuse and a convenient way to avoid the conversation for now in my opinion. If your done your done, there's nothing wrong with that. Your making assumptions he knows its over but he could be holding out hope etc. Him potentially waiting around for a couple of months is only going to create bitter feelings for him, delay his and your "moving forward" from this marriage.


I'm waiting because that's what we agreed upon. It's not an excuse at all, but an agreement. If our divorce ends up going to court, I don't want him to come back on me for anything that I did that violated any agreements. Plus, he was mad enough at the end of the last conversation, that the only way I'll talk to him the next time around is with a mediator. To be honest, I've been done for years, and he has been aware of just how unhappy I am, but has been in denial. I personally don't feel like I've cheated on him, and I very much also hope that he has found someone to go spend some time with. I've encouraged him to do that a couple times during the course of our marriage, and hope that he's done so now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you already knew you were done then why make that agreement at all? Were you concerned about his reaction and so you were trying to ease him into it?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

New is always fun and lively.

What happens in 6 months?


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I think you have an obligation to tell him your dating and having relations. If your done your done that is fine. I'm separated 3 months now...that would be the deal killer for and I would file. My opinion is you need to tell him even if it breaks you agreement so be it. He has a right to know...


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Openminded said:


> If you already knew you were done then why make that agreement at all? Were you concerned about his reaction and so you were trying to ease him into it?




^^This

Now. Who's gonna address the elephant in the room?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@Ursula, what is your friend's relationship status?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just divorce him and get it over with. Right now you are hedging your bets, maybe because you are unsure or maybe because you don't want to hurt him. If you start dating this guy while your husband thinks he is working to get you back you are just being dishonorable, inauthentic and frankly cheating. 

If you think you can start a new "healthy" life on a note like that your wrong. I suspect the fact that you don't want to address this hard situation is probably part of what contributed to where you are today. There is a reason why we tell people and live authentically, part of the reason is for YOU, because it's healthy and right. It gives you a strong foundation to live you life on, and make decisions. If you truly want to start a new life, do it by telling the person you committed to the old one with that you are done. Being afraid is not excuse.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Why we're waiting another month is something that my own therapist questioned me about as well, and I'll say the same thing that I told her. When H and I met with the couple's counsellor, we made an agreement of no contact for 8 weeks, and I want to uphold my end of that agreement of no contact.


Don't you think that although you agreed no contact for 8 weeks does that not imply after 8 weeks there is hope in saving the marriage through mediation? You are implying false hope. Just tell him you are sleeping with someone else, there is no point in meeting for meditation because as far as you are concerned the marriage is over and the divorce is going forward pronto with or without him. Then apologize for breaking the 8 week no contact rule but that you thought it would be cruel for him to believe there was any hope as you have clearly moved on.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I'm waiting because that's what we agreed upon. It's not an excuse at all, but an agreement. If our divorce ends up going to court, I don't want him to come back on me for anything that I did that violated any agreements. Plus, he was mad enough at the end of the last conversation, that the only way I'll talk to him the next time around is with a mediator. To be honest, I've been done for years, and he has been aware of just how unhappy I am, but has been in denial. I personally don't feel like I've cheated on him, and I very much also hope that he has found someone to go spend some time with. I've encouraged him to do that a couple times during the course of our marriage, and hope that he's done so now.


Last year I seperated from my long time gf for about ten weeks.If you had asked me one month into the separation would I go back to her I would have laughed into your face.We are now back together and have a better,stronger relationship than we ever had and we have a baby.
My situation was different than yours in that neither of us knew she was pregnant at the time we broke up.The one thing I didn't do during that break up was sleep with anyone else and I don't think she did either.
I think you should cancel your counselling/mediation session and just have him served because you are done with this marriage.
One more thing,have a blast as a single woman,you deserve it.


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Today marks one month since meeting with my husband and the couple's counsellor to tell him that I wanted a trial separation. I've learned a lot in the last month!
> 
> I enjoy living on my own. Coming home to 2 really excited dogs is fantastic!, I'd find myself on edge, waiting for H's car to pull into the garage. The dogs would be super-excited, but the feeling that I got was more of heaviness and resignation.
> 
> ...


That is great that you are feeling better. I don't have much advice about it since I am in a similar situation. A month separated and (like I suspected) I was already doing most of the work around the house except taking garbage out. Last week I replaced a sprinkler head by myself! 

It is nice going home and not worrying about seeing my stbx and spending time with my dogs who love me. 

I could also say that my interest in sexual attention is high and my marriage was definitely lonely. Not sure these are good reasons to jump into another relationship so fast even if you aren't labeling it as such. 1) Going through a divorce is hard enough without going through another break up at the same time. Double the pain? 2) A month isn't a very long time to decide anything. You aren't using the word divorce yet. 

Wish you the best!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Openminded, yes, given the mental illnesses within his family, that's exactly what I was trying to do. @ReturntoZero, in 6 months, I imagine that life will carry on, and I will keep on keeping on with it. @ZedZ, I know you and others don't agree with me, but I will be keeping to the agreement at this time. If I see a need to break it, I will, but I don't see any reason to knock on his door and say, "oh hello there, I just wanted to let you know that I've slept with an old friend of mine. Okay, thanks, bye!"
@ GusPolinski, my friend's relationship status is single, that I know of. I haven't questioned him about it to be honest.

That's all I have the time to reply to at the moment; will write more later when I get a chance to read the last couple of longer posts...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I must say that while I understand that you are not happy with your marriage, there is something that doesn't sit quite right with the way you have handled it. Here is another perspective …


You are with a man that you now know you should never have married. Nevertheless you did marry him and make certain vows. So did he. He was a virgin living with his mother. You knew that.

Things were not as great as you had hoped. Before you two started working on it, it seems like you gave up on the marriage but did not definitely break it off and file for divorce. Instead you agreed to this very confusing situation.

You got together with someone you had been sleeping with in the past - someone you stayed in contact with even when you were married. You were eager to get back with him - so you told your husband lets do a trial separation. Then you went ahead and slept with this other man with your husband not knowing this.

At this moment he thinks the two of you are in a trial separation. That, to most normal people would mean that this is a trial not a permanent route to divorce.

You still haven't told him about the OM. 

It would appear that you want to see if it works out in whatever way and if so you are going to cut your husband loose. He doesn't know this. If things didn't work out you have left the door open for you two to get back together. Where is your husband staying and where are you staying (who moved out) ? If he did and you are entertaining this man the house that belongs to the both of you, that is even worse and disrespectful.

And now you have every explanation in the world why what you are doing isn't wrong to the point, it would seem, of almost rewriting history (as to what you both agreed on and why).

The above is what it appears to anyone new reading your threads. That would not only make this cheating but also disrespectful in general. You should come clean, give him a fair divorce, and let him back into the house (maybe you should move in with the other man). At the moment, you most certainly a cheater. Not a good way to start a new life.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@sokillme, I'm 100% certain that I no longer want to be with my H, and we've been talking about this since our first year of marriage (working on things so that we don't separate). I'm not hedging my bets, but I did want to ease him into it because there's a huge amount of mental illness in both sides of his family, and his Dad killed himself over his and his Mom's separation. I didn't want that to happen to H because he's a great person who has A LOT to offer this world; he's just not the person for me. 

I don't plan on starting a relationship with this new guy, partly because I know I'm not ready, and partly because I know the type of person that he is, and I don't believe that I could handle a relationship with him. I'm absolutely not afraid of telling H that I would like a divorce, and plan to do so when we meet again at the counsellor's. Also, the counsellor that we saw is currently on holidays, and we cannot get in to see her until our appointment. I also really don't believe that H is working towards reconciliation, as he believes that he is perfect (he has told me this), and I really think that he believes that he is 100% not at fault for our situation. In reality, we're both at fault for it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Andy1001, thank-you for that insight, and I'm really happy for you guys in that everything worked out for you. I'm guessing that you probably managed to catch on that there were problems earlier on, and take action to fix those problems, and that you both also worked on them. If that's the case, that's fantastic! In my case, I've been saying since 2013 that we need (NEED) to do something about our issues because otherwise I feared that we wouldn't make it. I tried for a long time; he put effort in once in awhile, when he had the time to do so, which was a couple weeks every summer. A relationship (especially a weak one, a roommate-like one like ours) can't withstand that for long. It was never meant to be because we didn't take the time to really get to know one another to begin with.

Your situation differs from mine in 2 basic way: your GF was pregnant, and so that was probably a huge circumstance that made you guys try again in the first place, and you guys weren't married. 

I won't be cancelling out on our next mediation session because it's important to go to it. And yes, I'm enjoying this new life, and yes, both H and I deserve all the happiness that comes our ways, and I plan to relish in it because yes, it is deserved!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thestarsarefalling said:


> That is great that you are feeling better. I don't have much advice about it since I am in a similar situation. A month separated and (like I suspected) I was already doing most of the work around the house except taking garbage out. Last week I replaced a sprinkler head by myself!
> 
> It is nice going home and not worrying about seeing my stbx and spending time with my dogs who love me.
> 
> ...


Hey Stars, boy, you and I sound like we're coming from very similar situations. Congrats on replacing the sprinkler head! It's a great feeling to be able to take care of things like that for yourself. I'm a smaller stature, so physically there are things that are just beyond my limits, but I did most of the home repairs, partly because it's my home, and partly because I had the knowledge base and he didn't.

I hear you on the lonely marriage; I had no idea just how unhealthy it was until we separated. It's ridiculous how one can be living with someone, have them around much of the time, and be lonely as all get-up. I actually am not jumping into another relationship at this time, and certainly wouldn't label it as such. I have no idea if he's seeing anyone else, and it wouldn't bother me if he were because I don't plan on getting serious with him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I must say that while I understand that you are not happy with your marriage, there is something that doesn't sit quite right with the way you have handled it. Here is another perspective …
> 
> You are with a man that you now know you should never have married. Nevertheless you did marry him and make certain vows. So did he. He was a virgin living with his mother. You knew that.
> 
> ...


Hey sorry, I think I missed this post. Let me answer some questions...

Yes, I knowingly married a 43 year old virgin who lived with his Mom. The sex while we were dating was pretty good, and certainly something I could live with. Things changed when we were married. He cut off sex for a few weeks. I talked to him about it, but stopped when he said that he hated coming home from work for fear I'd bring up sex again. I really only mentioned it 2 or 3 times, but I stopped. We eventually resumed a once every 1-2 week schedule.

I didn't give up on the marriage before I started working on it. I worked on it for a long time, and he jumped in for a couple weeks every summer, when he found some time outside of work. After a couple years of trying and realizing I as the only one really trying, I slowed down my efforts. Since February of this year, I had stopped completely. 

I do have a couple male friends, yes, and yes I talk to them. This man however, I hadn't spoken to in years. Our lives went in different directions: I got married, and he was in a committed relationship and had a couple children with his girlfriend. They're separated now and have been for a couple years. H know that I have a couple male friends, and one of H's best friends is a woman.

H, I believe, has moved back in with his Mom, and I stayed put. The home is mine; I built it before we met, it's in our prenup that it goes to me, and his name isn't on the mortgage or the deed. 

I'm not trying to explain away my recent actions. They're my actions, and I own them. H and I have been roommates for years, but he has been in denial about it. I've tried talking to him many times, he shuts down, gets mopey, then is back to his normal self in an hour, cracking jokes, and confusing the hell out of me. 

As for my future actions, why would I let H back into my home? He doesn't have any ownership in it. I have zero plans of moving in with my man friend! Why in the world would I want to jump from the frying pan into the fire?! That's just silly. Plus, I've been single for a month. That's way too soon to be thinking about shacking up with someone.

I'm also sorry that I'm appearing to be a cheater. during the course of our marriage, I begged H for an open marriage, and for him to go sleep with other women. I sincerely hope that he's now moving on and doing that very thing. I guess I shouldn't have posted about the last month and how wonderful I've been feeling and doing. Ha, jokes on me!


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

So what's keeping you from just filing for divorce? You seem to be in a fog.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Nope @m00nman, no fog here. Things are crystal clear: I'm an idiot. I've been thinking for the last half hour, and have come to that conclusion. I've also texted my friend and told him that I can no longer see him until a divorce is finalized, and I'm free to do what I like. I'm going to sit down soon, and try to write out something to say to H about this, and let him know that he married a total ****up. And now I'm going to go have a glass of wine. Or a bottle. What a ****ing dummy.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Nope @m00nman, no fog here. Things are crystal clear: I'm an idiot. I've been thinking for the last half hour, and have come to that conclusion. I've also texted my friend and told him that I can no longer see him until a divorce is finalized, and I'm free to do what I like. I'm going to sit down soon, and try to write out something to say to H about this, and let him know that he married a total ****up. And now I'm going to go have a glass of wine. Or a bottle. What a ****ing dummy.




Good for you! You just let that other guy know that you're not easy. That makes you more attractive. That lets him know that you are respectable. That is attractive. 

I don't think you're a total ****up and I don't think your H does either. Let him know what the real deal is. And don't drunk text him while you're enjoying that wonderful bottle of wine! LOL


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@JBTX, thanks for that. I'm a complete ****up though. H will think so too, I'm sure. Spent the eve drinking and continuing to pack up H's stuff. There was no chance of reconciliation on my part, I'm done. But after realizing what a ****ty person I am, H would be an idiot to want me back anyways. Should be done packing his things soon.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Ursula said:


> @JBTX, thanks for that. I'm a complete ****up though. H will think so too, I'm sure. Spent the eve drinking and continuing to pack up H's stuff. There was no chance of reconciliation on my part, I'm done. But after realizing what a ****ty person I am, H would be an idiot to want me back anyways. Should be done packing his things soon.




It's ok to be ****ed up. You know if you're posting on this message board you're probably a little ****ed up, right? You're just like most of us posting here. I could blow your mind with some of the ****ed up **** that I've been involved with. 

Don't be so hard on yourself thinking that you're ****ty. You're done! Own that ****!! Your H is going to respect your honesty in the long run. 

I think you're a good person just trying to figure this mess out. It's scary and it sucks. We understand here. 

Get some sleep.... after One More Glass.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

BTW I am having a Corona


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## Thestarsarefalling (Apr 16, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Nope @m00nman, no fog here. Things are crystal clear: I'm an idiot. I've been thinking for the last half hour, and have come to that conclusion. I've also texted my friend and told him that I can no longer see him until a divorce is finalized, and I'm free to do what I like. I'm going to sit down soon, and try to write out something to say to H about this, and let him know that he married a total ****up. And now I'm going to go have a glass of wine. Or a bottle. What a ****ing dummy.


Who isn't **** up in one way or another. I am not sure what your situation is exactly but this whole separation and divorce process leaves me vulnerable to making poor choices. The goal seems to be to get through it as best as you can, trying to lead with your head and not with your emotions. 

Easier said than done.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@Ursula, why the quick turnaround and self loathing? Did something bad happen?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Satya said:


> @Ursula, why the quick turnaround and self loathing? Did something bad happen?




I hope everything is ok


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ursula said:


> I'm also sorry that I'm appearing to be a cheater. during the course of our marriage, I begged H for an open marriage, and for him to go sleep with other women. I sincerely hope that he's now moving on and doing that very thing. I guess I shouldn't have posted about the last month and how wonderful I've been feeling and doing. Ha, jokes on me!


You shouldn't regret telling the truth here -- you should regret NOT telling the truth to your husband.

If you're done, he deserves to know that, and he deserved to know it before you began or resumed a sexual relationship with your friend.

This isn't a judgement or condemnation thing, but rather an ethics thing:

If you're done and moving on (and it seems like you are), he deserves the opportunity to similarly move forward with his life _now_... as opposed to 4, 6, or 8 weeks (or whatever the agreed-upon timeframe was) from now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Satya said:


> @Ursula, why the quick turnaround and self loathing? Did something bad happen?


I could be wrong, but I read it as sarcasm.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Satya said:


> @Ursula, why the quick turnaround and self loathing? Did something bad happen?


Nothing bad happened.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

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GusPolinski said:


> I could be wrong, but I read it as sarcasm.


No sarcasm, I've handled myself poorly. The friend of mine is a player, and has been since I've known him. That's how I got tangled up with him both times before. I expect and want nothing from him, and don't want a future with someone who's always waiting for something/someone better to come along. Simply put, for the last few years, I've been with someone who knows next to nothing about sex, and I wanted to be with someone who knows more than just where to jackhammer it. I don't know what protocol is on divorces, or whether it's okay to have relations before a divorce is finalized, but in my locale, that can take a year. I'm 39, and want a family. do I need to wait until things are finalized and signed before starting to see what's out there? If so, is it then okay to put my name on adoption lists? That can take well more than a year! 

As for H, after a decent-ish night's sleep, I've decided to keep quiet about my actions. I don't plan on reconciling, and there's no need (in my mind) to hurt him further. It's one more month, I've stopped things with the OM, and I don't want to potentially drive H to a breaking point so he ends up following in his Dad's footsteps and taking his life. That's something major to consider, and I would rather have him alive in the world than have a clean conscience for my own benefit. Sorry to those who don't agree; I won't be changing my mind on this one.

Today, I continue to pack his things up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Honestly I don't see the point in waiting for the divorce to be finalized so long as you're up front and honest with all involved (your husband, any prospective partners, _and_ yourself) with respect to your intentions.

You should realize, though, that there will be plenty of folks that are... let's say _skeptical_ of people that don't wait OR are willing to date people that don't wait. To be fair, though, there are plenty of people that lie about being separated and/or divorcing.

And if, by the way, you do wind up reconciling with your husband (stranger things have happened), doing it properly will have to include a full accounting of any relationships that you engaged in while the two of you were apart.

And yes, the same goes for him.

Unless, of course, neither of you cares.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Wow. No need to beat yourself up. You just need to be honest with your H and tell him that you don't want to R and want to move forward with the D ASAP. In the meantime, have you been to IC? It sounds to me like H is just one of many troubles that you need to resolve before entering into another relationship of any kind.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Ursula said:


> @JBTX, thanks for that. I'm a complete ****up though. H will think so too, I'm sure. Spent the eve drinking and continuing to pack up H's stuff. There was no chance of reconciliation on my part, I'm done. But after realizing what a ****ty person I am, H would be an idiot to want me back anyways. Should be done packing his things soon.


This is a good place to start in IC


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ReturntoZero said:


> This is a good place to start in IC


I've gone to IC, and will have 1 more appointment with her once H's and I next session is done. At this point, I don't think I'm a horrid person at all; I fell into a situation that I shouldn't have fallen into, but have learned from it, and am back on track, focusing on the future.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I would like to think that he realizes this, because of all the talking we had done about how unhealthy our relationship had gotten over the years. We had a half dozen conversations about it in the past year, and probably that many per year for the 3 years prior. He was still blindsided though, so I'm not sure what he thinks to be honest; he may think that things are still 100% peachy keen. They haven't been since 2013 though.


I think you should be honest and tell your husband it's over. No matter how bad the marriage was he deserves that. Especially sense you are sexually active with someone else. No one deserves to be cheated on, even during a trial separation.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ABHale said:


> I think you should be honest and tell your husband it's over. No matter how bad the marriage was he deserves that. Especially sense you are sexually active with someone else. No one deserves to be cheated on, even during a trial separation.


Not much of a trial.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I think you should be honest and tell your husband it's over. No matter how bad the marriage was he deserves that. Especially sense you are sexually active with someone else. No one deserves to be cheated on, even during a trial separation.


Yes, I will be doing that at our next meeting. And, we both deserve better, and need to find someone else who is better suited to each of us. @ReturntoZero, no, it's been over in my mind for years, which is probably a good reason why I've taken the steps that I've taken since then, and why I've yet to cry over the loss of what could've been. I now realize that when we were dating/engaged, he weaved a lot of tales about the type of person that he is, and they weren't really true. So, what could've been is something that never really existed in the first place with him.


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