# How to talk to someone who has been cheated on in every relationship they ever had?



## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Friend of mine is a thirty something female. Single mom with two girls. I chat with her on fb. Not trying to start a relationship but just like talking to her because she has some old fashioned views I find interesting. Anyways, she has horrible self image because every man she has ever dated and through one failed marriage has cheated on her...anytime I talk about her dating she just shuts me down and starts talking about how horrible men are and she will never trust them again. Then starts in on herself saying how she must have something wrong that makes them do it to her.... I don't want to be her counselor but at this point I can't even get her to believe she is actually attractive. Advice?
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Sounds like one of my friends.. I'd suggest IC.. and say something like... "Oh knock it off (Name of friend) you need to start believing your attractive and stop being so negative on yourself! Think positive... as hard as it may be.. try and look at the good aspects of yourself.. not the negative!"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Send her flowers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Friend of mine is a thirty something female. Single mom with two girls. I chat with her on fb. Not trying to start a relationship but just like talking to her because she has some old fashioned views I find interesting. Anyways, she has horrible self image because every man she has ever dated and through one failed marriage has cheated on her...anytime I talk about her dating she just shuts me down and starts talking about how horrible men are and she will never trust them again. Then starts in on herself saying how she must have something wrong that makes them do it to her.... I don't want to be her counselor but at this point I can't even get her to believe she is actually attractive. Advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My advice is to stop talking to her about the men in her life and how she interacts with them. The way you describe her steering the convo tells me she's not receptive to learning anything, and just wants tons of reassurance. Let someone else be her emotional tampon.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KathyBatesel said:


> My advice is to stop talking to her about the men in her life and how she interacts with them. The way you describe her steering the convo tells me she's not receptive to learning anything, and just wants tons of reassurance. Let someone else be her emotional tampon.


Awww that's a little harsh. I mean there is a point where one refuses to heed good advice & becomes consistently annoying.... but give a little leeway....

Many many people are insecure & hurting for a variety of reasons, she may really need a friend right now. ...If everyone abandoned them in a huff...noone would ever grow, they might further wallow in their self defeating behavior. 

I wouldn't vote to leave her in the dust at all... but be a listening ear - if you enjoy other aspects of her personality that is.... concentrate on those... ... and along the way...you can encourage her to NOT make these same mistakes... your presence in her life could make a difference. 



> *3leafclover said*: If they could recognize this and figure out their reasons for doing so, they would have a much better shot at choosing differently in the future.


 Help her see this light. 

Of course if you have zero designs on ever thinking about the 2 of you together.... you stand the awkward chance of her getting attached and secretly hoping for "a little more".


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Clearly, her picker is broken. She is choosing the men she chooses for some reason that she is not even aware of.

Beyond pointing that out, you're not her therapist. I hope she has one, though...


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Awww that's a little harsh. I mean there is a point where one refuses to heed good advice & becomes consistently annoying.... but give a little leeway....
> 
> Many many people are insecure & hurting for a variety of reasons, she may really need a friend right now. ...If everyone abandoned them in a huff...noone would ever grow, they might further wallow in their self defeating behavior.
> 
> ...


He doesn't want to be her therapist. I'm pretty sure he wants to date her. Why else would he be trying to figure out how to get her to think she's attractive?


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Friend of mine is a thirty something female. Single mom with two girls. I chat with her on fb. Not trying to start a relationship but just like talking to her because she has some old fashioned views I find interesting. Anyways, she has horrible self image because every man she has ever dated and through one failed marriage has cheated on her...anytime I talk about her dating she just shuts me down and starts talking about how horrible men are and she will never trust them again. Then starts in on herself saying how she must have something wrong that makes them do it to her.... I don't want to be her counselor but at this point I can't even get her to believe she is actually attractive. Advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No matter how many times you tell her she's attractive, she's not going to believe you until she thinks it of herself. I completely understand where your friend is coming from because I've been abandoned, betrayed, or cheated on by every one of my ex-boyfriends, in teenage years. The relationships that were the most significant were also the ones that caused the most damage. I have a lot of baggage from those relationships and for awhile I thought there had to be something wrong with ME that made them want to do those things. I'm in IC for it and I think your friend should be as well. As a friend, be supportive, but you are not a therapist. 

What helped me come to terms with it the most is when I took a class on love and forgiveness. I realized that my ex-boyfriends really weren't thinking about me when they made their decisions. That doesn't mean anything is wrong with me. They weren't trying to hurt me, they were being selfish and thinking about themselves. I also came to terms with my role in allowing what happened to me to ruin my life. I allowed them to rent out too much space in my head. I learned how to forgive and though I haven't forgiven completely, I definitely don't think about it as much and I don't sit on my pity pot as much anymore either.

If your friend would even consider forgiveness, suggest that she read Forgive For Good by Dr. Frederic Luskin. It was really helpful for me but I was ready to stop being in so much pain. I'm pretty open-minded in that way to begin with, some people aren't. Some people think that forgiveness means condoning what happened or forgetting what happened. That's not what this book suggests. She may not have had a role in what they did to her, but she definitely had a role in holding onto it for all these years.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> He doesn't want to be her therapist. I'm pretty sure he wants to date her. Why else would he be trying to figure out how to get her to think she's attractive?


In that case his picker is broken too.

Way too much emotional/esteem baggage in this chick
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> He doesn't want to be her therapist. I'm pretty sure he wants to date her. Why else would he be trying to figure out how to get her to think she's attractive?


Well, so what if he wants to date her? He's separated.

But because I'm fond of our otter, I'd like him to date someone not quite so troubled.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

lamaga said:


> Well, so what if he wants to date her? He's separated.
> 
> But because I'm fond of our otter, I'd like him to date someone not quite so troubled.


Aww, I'm feeling the love lamaga......

No, I'm not trying to date her. I'm just trying to be a friend. When she talks about how she's giving up on men and just wants to be an old maid I just tell her that what happened with those men had nothing to do with her. It's their selfish behavior that led them to cheat and leave. Then I say that I think she has a lot to offer in a relationship and when she looks in the mirror that what she sees and what men like me see are two different things. Then I might tell her that I think she's still a young attractive woman and to not give up on love because even in my situation with the divorce I"m not giving up on it.

But I always say it like just a good friend would. Not in a way that sounds like i'm trying to hit on her. In fact I'm up front with her about that. I've told her that I"m not looking for a relationship. She's stuck at home a lot because she's been unemployed for a while and doesn't have a lot of adult time so I've offered to let her hang out with me on one of my free weekends just to get out of the house. Honestly it's more out of pity than anything because I feel sad for anyone that is stuck at home 24/7 with two little kids. I know that feeling.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, but if she's been cheated on in every relationship, then something IS likely "wrong" with her. Her people picker is broken, she hasn't figured out how to meet her partners needs... Something isn't working, and the one thing in common with all her relationships is her. She really does need some good guidance.

And as an FYI, it does sound to me like you have a sweet spot for her. . Nothing wrong with that, though. But keep in mind that if you keep telling her she is attractive and a great catch and otherwise building her up, at some point she may very well start to feel like you want more of a relationship. And if you reject her because that's not what you want, you'll further reinforce her beliefs about herself, because all that stuff you finally had her believing was obviously a lie to make her feel better.

C
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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

*How to talk to someone who has been cheated on in every relationship they ever had?*
You could start by talking to me:rofl: 

Every woman I've had a relationship with either cheated on me emotionally or sexually(awww lol:rofl. My ex wife had her exit EA and left me for a real loser, and the others were just too damn immature to have anything meaningful with. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person, I just have bad tastes in women and need to work on that.

What I found was that I was a codependent person and always looked for girls to rescue, the victims, the poor abused girls. I loved to play the hero and they loved to play the victim.... that is until they're confidence was boosted and they got so full of themselves and quit. As soon as I stopped giving they gave up.

The problem was I wasn't attracted to those who were stable and had all their sh!t together, and neither is she. Your friend may try to use that bullsh!t "all men suck" line, but I want to say she's been trying to play the care-taker for years. Her relationship will keep failing unless she breaks that codependent need and learns to keep certain boundaries in relationships.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Friend of mine is a thirty something female. Single mom with two girls. I chat with her on fb. Not trying to start a relationship but just like talking to her because she has some old fashioned views I find interesting. Anyways, she has horrible self image because every man she has ever dated and through one failed marriage has cheated on her...anytime I talk about her dating she just shuts me down and starts talking about how horrible men are and she will never trust them again. Then starts in on herself saying how she must have something wrong that makes them do it to her.... I don't want to be her counselor but at this point I can't even get her to believe she is actually attractive. Advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


as a woman who has been brutalized by lies and deceit, I will say this...she will not trust any man or anyones advice for a long time...especially someone who doesn't understand her situation. She is scarred. Every time she hears a word of encouragement for her to "move on" "it'll be okay" she's just going to roll her eyes and think "it's so easy for you to say that" or "you haven't been through what I've been through" The only people she will believe now are possibly people who are in the same situation, or, a man who can fully understand where she's coming from. But if I was her, and if you were talking to me and telling me you're not interested in me, but you were trying to get me to hang out with you, I would get a confused feeling. So all you are doing is making her feel confused now. That is a huge red flag to her being that she already has huge trust issues. Also, she might think, ok...he doesn't want me, but is trying to help me. If she's anything like me, she will take that as pitying. And no woman wants any man to pity her especially if he's not interested in her as a romantic partner. It's a degrading feeling. Are you seriously not interested at all in her? If not, I would say that being you're a man (the gender she can't trust the most), possibly have no expertise in this area, and being that you say you don't have feeling for her and have expressed that already.....there's almost no chance she will want to believe you or accept what you're saying as honesty. I'm just saying what I would think, being that I know exactly how she feels.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> Sorry, but if she's been cheated on in every relationship, then something IS likely "wrong" with her. Her people picker is broken, she hasn't figured out how to meet her partners needs... Something isn't working, and the one thing in common with all her relationships is her. She really does need some good guidance.
> 
> And as an FYI, it does sound to me like you have a sweet spot for her. . Nothing wrong with that, though. But keep in mind that if you keep telling her she is attractive and a great catch and otherwise building her up, at some point she may very well start to feel like you want more of a relationship. And if you reject her because that's not what you want, you'll further reinforce her beliefs about herself, because all that stuff you finally had her believing was obviously a lie to make her feel better.
> 
> ...


Just because a man cheats does not mean the woman isn't meeting his needs. It's not true in all cases. I myself have tried every trick in the book (and I mean Everything)...to get my man to turn only towards me before, and he still always cheated no matter what kinds of love or affection I gave him. 
And her people picker may or may not be broken, but either way, those men she dated chose what they chose. They are responsible for treating her that way. Not her.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Clearly, her picker is broken. She is choosing the men she chooses for some reason that she is not even aware of.
> 
> Beyond pointing that out, you're not her therapist. I hope she has one, though...


Not just her or anyone's picker but also her ability to choose good boundaries and having the confidence to enforce them.

I was reading an article by a journalist who decided to volunteer at a woman's shelter. She said after a couple of group sessions hearing woman after woman talk about being gang raped she said that it was difficult to be supportive of the women who "allowed" these things to happen to them more than once. Until one of the regular staff members explained to the journalist that many of these women have just never been taught proper boundaries when dealing with others.

I am sure that people who have good boundaries also have fewer problems with others.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can only advise her up to an extent. It's up to her to believe she is awesome and worthy of better. So if she starts again tell her "Ya know, i'ts no wonder yo ufeel so down--all you speak is negativity. You are worth so much more." 

If s he continues tell her "I realize you're upset but you should really try thinking more postively as the down and trodden conversations get so routine... " then change the subject.

Personally I would find that hella annoying and wouldn't want to talk to someone all the time who does that. You are not her therapist.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Not just her or anyone's picker but also her ability to choose good boundaries and having the confidence to enforce them.
> 
> I was reading an article by a journalist who decided to volunteer at a woman's shelter. She said after a couple of group sessions hearing woman after woman talk about being gang raped she said that it was difficult to be supportive of the women who "allowed" these things to happen to them more than once. Until one of the regular staff members explained to the journalist that many of these women have just never been taught proper boundaries when dealing with others.
> 
> I am sure that people who have good boundaries also have fewer problems with others.


good men are good men.....rapists are rapists.....and people choose to cheat or not cheat....she could be the ugliest, dumbest, most annoying, worst picker of men there is...but the facts remain that these men cheated on her, whats to analyze? whats the point in trying to say that something's wrong with her? Do you know how many men cheat? Millions. It's not like it's uncommon to find that many men who are willing to cheat. Women get deceived....point blank.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> good men are good men.....rapists are rapists.....and people choose to cheat or not cheat....she could be the ugliest, dumbest, most annoying, worst picker of men there is...but the facts remain that these men cheated on her, whats to analyze? whats the point in trying to say that something's wrong with her? Do you know how many men cheat? Millions. It's not like it's uncommon to find that many men who are willing to cheat. Women get deceived....point blank.


I'm not saying that anything is wrong with her. I am saying that it is possible that she could have done things differently. I refuse to be so fatalistic on life.

For most situations, there are 3 groups of people
1. Those will do whatever they damn well please
2. Those who will follow the rules for whatever reason their obedience to it
3. those who might follow the rules but if they see an opportunity to get away with it, well maybe.......



so in addition to getting one's people picker in full gear (since that's not always fool proof anyway)........

just learning to have good boundaries and to be able to see a problem before it hits you in the face is just a good idea in my opinion.

And really, having good boundaries will help you to avoid Group 1 in the first place.


for those who support strengthening one's "people picker" or "partner picker", I don't see much discussion on how to get that working. at least not here.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

3leafclover said:


> My SO was physically cheated on in every relationship she's ever been in until ours. I'm not sure about her boyfriends as a teenager, but as an adult, that makes 5 times, most of them longterm relationships (one marriage, 4 female partners/girlfriends). She came into our relationship with a lot of emotional baggage from this.
> 
> I think people who have this consistent a record of this in past relationships are probably in a pattern of choosing partners with certain traits that predispose them to cheating. If they could recognize this and figure out their reasons for doing so, they would have a much better shot at choosing differently in the future. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with HER, though. Even attractive, intelligent people with great personalities and a lot to offer can fall into negative patterns.


3Leaf is right on. We all do this subconsciously -- it's because we are who we are. She needs to go to IC-- and hopefully this trait of hers will be pointed out.

That is why it is very important for people who have had their hearts broken to find the courage when they are ready to step out of their comfort zone.

Nothing is certain in life --- so even doing this may lead to a bad relationship. But doing the same thing over and over -- I will just leave it at that.

Good luck to your friend.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm not saying that anything is wrong with her. I am saying that it is possible that she could have done things differently. I refuse to be so fatalistic on life.
> 
> For most situations, there are 3 groups of people
> 1. Those will do whatever they damn well please
> ...


do what differently.. go into these relationships with more discernment you mean? How does one truly know what "group one" is, when there are all types of cheaters? Even the best man in the world who's woman has analyzed him up and down before they decide to be together...HE can even falter. Can I use people like President Clinton as an example? Deceived are those who believe that there is one perfect person out there. I myself do not believe in groups, but in individuals and to each his own decision. On another subject...lots of people are awesome liars....they've got it so down pat that it's like breathing for them. You would literally need x-ray liar vision to see through these people or to see the problems that they are planning to bring on. Anyway, all I'm saying is....this poor girl we are talking about here is obviously troubled with bad experiences. We don't know the guys she's been with...for how long..or anything. All I know is...she can't trust anyone..and who can blame her?? She has nothing good to say about herself...who wouldn't feel the same way at times? Being cheated on that many times is a slap in the face, it's mean, cruel, and it's hits the other person's self attitude. There's no reason to say that she could have done things differently....she's already left these guys...what else should she have done?? She's only human.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> do what differently.. go into these relationships with more discernment you mean? How does one truly know what "group one" is, when there are all types of cheaters? Even the best man in the world who's woman has analyzed him up and down before they decide to be together...HE can even falter. Can I use people like President Clinton as an example? Deceived are those who believe that there is one perfect person out there. I myself do not believe in groups, but in individuals and to each his own decision. On another subject...lots of people are awesome liars....they've got it so down pat that it's like breathing for them. You would literally need x-ray liar vision to see through these people or to see the problems that they are planning to bring on. Anyway, all I'm saying is....this poor girl we are talking about here is obviously troubled with bad experiences. We don't know the guys she's been with...for how long..or anything. All I know is...she can't trust anyone..and who can blame her?? She has nothing good to say about herself...who wouldn't feel the same way at times? Being cheated on that many times is a slap in the face, it's mean, cruel, and it's hits the other person's self attitude. There's no reason to say that she could have done things differently....she's already left these guys...what else should she have done?? She's only human.


You are entitle to your opinion.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I've read a lot of good advice from everyone and I appreciate it. I could see your point that if I'm not interested in dating her then why am I trying to lift her up? Well, only thing I can tell you is I'm just a caring compassionate person. Yes it borders on being a Nice Guy if I'm out giving my shoulder to people to cry on. But so what? I'm just trying to be a friend. Her dad has been in and out of the hospital a lot and we talk about that more than anything. Plus we both read the same book recently so we discuss it. I may have exaggerated tht every single converstaion get turned into "o woe is me" but it comes up often enough.

Seems like everyone is divided into two camps. You either pick a cheater or you allow someone to cheat on you. I think the real world is pretty average between the two. A true narcissistic cheater would be able to hide that until he hooked a girl in and then start cheating. A truly codependent unrespectable spouse could also fall back into those habits after dating a while also but regardless there's never a reason that someone can say "this is why I cheated on you" and the reason have anything to do with the person. You should always end your first relationship before starting a new one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Most people do not "Pick a cheater" willingly. If at the beginning of the relationship the yare told "X is going to cheat on you in a few years" i am sure most would avoid getting involved with them. That isn't rocket science.

The fact is: unless your relationship began as an affair, most people do not think their partner will cheat on them.

I do not at all agree that it's her fault she got cheated on. Come on. The person who cheated made a choice.


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