# Unsure how to process things



## Theconfusedkne (Jun 10, 2021)

New member here. I am having a rough time. Me and my wife had a separation or break that lasted about a month this year. We weren't doing good in our marriage, we became docile and not really having sex, had talk about having kids. I wasn't the best husband. I would get done work and play video games, wasn't really spending quality time, we would do stuff together but when that was done I would just play video games. She said she wanted a separation to find ourselves and better ourselves to make sure we can work on the relationship. When I found this out I was devastated. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, was super depressed. I thought even though we had a rough time that we were doing good. No talks that I can recall about any issues or problems or anything like that. I know I wasn't doing my best in the emotional or physical department. After the first week we had a couples therapy where she didn't even want to go but did so because I was a wreck. We talked and I better understood that I needed to better myself. I started to go therapy, going to the gym, taking care of the property and animals. During this time we both were living in the same house but in different rooms. She would ask me to sleep in the bedroom with her or she would come into the room I was in and hug me or cuddle and than next time back to how it was. About a month later, she ask me to sleep in our bed, says the break is over but she didn't feel like she had to announce it. (We didn't lay any ground rules about anything) so I thought we were still on a break. During the break I noticed a few weird things, she didn't want me to do her laundry anymore, she would look the bedroom door to the master bedroom, she was buying new clothes, putting on makeup, going out a lot, she asked me to bring her a towel in the shower and I saw her bring her phone with the camera on into the shower with her and changed her password on her phone. I didn't say anything. After she saying that we are done the break, she won't look at me or will barely look at me. Will talk to me and what not but won't really look at me. Won't cuddle with me or show affection. About a week later she starts holding my hand while driving, cuddling me in bed, holding me in public. Going out for food together and just spending time together. Like a switch was flipped. So about 2 weeks later she left her phone at home, I had a moment of weakness and uneasiness and went through her phone. I know I shouldn't have but what I found just floored me. I was numb. The texts between her friends show that she was sexting guys even before we went on the break a month prior, she added her old fling back on snap and was already best friends before we went on break. She told a friend that her boobs look amazing and than tells me that she doesn't like them. The guy she added came to our house earlier this year to do some yard work. She told me he was gay but didn't tell me they use to have sex all the time before we got together. There are messages to her friends about having a different guy pick her up again, saying something about this other guy and than nothing else (missing conversations/ deleted). When the flip switched for her, she got a call from this old fling at 4 am and saying how he was about to explode, she texts him and tells him that she didn't want to be treated like a trashy f buddy. That he doesn't take the time to get to know her and that if he can't treat her right that he shouldn't talk to her. She sent this to her friend and friend tells her that if it doesn't work out between me and her that she needs someone better than this guy and that if he does it again she should just block him. Wife states that I am putting in a lot of work and that is why she is less tolerant of this guy's bs and he won't change and still might end this. Other messages say that she is out to bars with friends and is getting drunk and trying to make out with random guys, she wants a guy that is single and ready to give her affection. She has a lot of love to give, wants a guy who is older and makes more money. I took pictures because she was deleting a lot of stuff, I tried to hold it in and move on but it was just tearing me apart. I brought it up to her and she is like we were on break, I said we didn't discuss boundaries (I tried and she just avoided it), I thought we were working on ourselves to better the marriage. She was like yes I sexted other guys and said things a married person shouldn't say. She said She said wanted to have a fantasy fulfilled and wanted to be lusted and desired. I asked why she couldn't tell me these things, why didn't you feel like you could come to me, she started to defend one of the guys and danced around the questions. She said she didn't have a physical relationship. That was about a month ago and she hasn't had any contact with any of these guys since she started showing me affection. She won't talk about what she likes or doesn't like or how I can make her feel better. I am not playing video games when she is home and taking care of all the property and house work, I a lot of time with her, we just started having sex again but says she doesn't feel sexual to discuss what she likes. Says to give it time. Which hurts me even after thsi month that she was able to sext those other guys, send them pictures and do who knows what else and she can't tell me about anything. The other hard part is when I brought this up in therapy session for us she tried to deny it and I said she is still friends with these guys on social media and in contacts. She didn't really say anything and just kinda moved away and blamed me for going through her phone and invading her privacy. She did say she wanted to work on the marriage and I want to trust her that nothing else is going on but she was saying she didn't do anything physically and was just texting and wasn't with any guys in q vehicle with just them. I feel that if I find out that she has a physical affair that she lied to me multiple times about it and was hiding everything that idk if I could move forward with the marriage. I know what was done was done but I still worry that if I slip up or do something wrong or something that she will go back to these other guys again. She has talked about having a kid, we have had sex, she has been more cuddle and affectionate. Idk if I am just over thinking everything or need to move on. 

Thank you for everything and the time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's lying. Additionally, if her fling had treated her any better than a booty call, she'd have been out the door for good.

Ditch the video games, keep the gym routine, and file for divorce ASAP.

Make no mistake – this will end in divorce. It's just a matter of who files first.

Oh, and since you'll likely continue having sex at least until you come to your senses, insist on using condoms from here on out. You don't want to get her pregnant.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DO NOT have a kid with her. She "separated" so she could try to find your replacement -- she as much SAID that to her friends. Yes, it sounds like she DID have sex with at least ONE of those guys.
She is trying to get you to rug sweep this whole thing -- not talking about it, accusing YOU of violating her privacy instead of fessing up to what she did, NOT taking any responsibility for this, and trying to F you into accepting her back.

If they are still in her social media, she is lying to you. Also, her friends helping her out with this -- they are NO friends to your marriage and if you have any chance, they have to go -- and I mean NO contact for her with them. She doesn't like it -- too bad, there are consequences to her actions....

I would make sure that you get yourself checked for STD's and at least talk with a couple of lawyers to find out what divorce would look like for you so that you can make an informed decision.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Your wife has brought multiple other men into your marriage without your knowledge or consent. Result? Marriage is now over.

Why prolong your agony while she plays with other guys?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Why stay married to someone that isn't married to you?


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