# Does it ever get easier?? :(



## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Hello,

I posted here a few weeks ago about my ex-fiancee cheating on me.

It's been 4 months since the break-up. He is parading his new girlfriend around for me to see and hurt over and I haven't made any progress! I keep trying to remind myself that I left him because he was a cheater and a liar, and he disrespected me on numerous occasions.... but it really hurts to see him happy with someone else and move on SO QUICKLY. (2 weeks!!! that's all it took geez) Why is he happy with her and treats her better than he treated me? How can he bring himself to be in a serious relationship when 4 months ago we were a short time away from our wedding? Meanwhile, I cry myself to sleep EVERY night.. I see his name pop up everywhere (unusually often) and I can't focus or be happy. 

I guess what I'm trying to ask is... when does it get easier? I am soooooo down on myself. Everyone tells me I am beautiful but I don't even see it anymore.. I guess that's what being cheated on repeatedly by a man you're in love with does to you. The fact that I left him and not vice-versa gives me little comfort too.. I just don't know what to do anymore. I keep looking at pictures of them on facebook... it's eating away at me.. I can't stop thinking about it! I actually think I'm much prettier than her (and everyone says so too) but clearly that doesn't make a difference. It hurts SO bad. I also think about the fact that I had an abortion early on in the relationship and if keeping the baby would have changed the outcome of our lives together.. I see all these couples trying to make it work for their kids' sake.. but I guess it would have been even worse if he cheated after the fact... I can't help but think about it though... especially since he blamed all the cheating on my abortion.

Does it ever get easier? Isn't 4 months a borderline long time to be feeling like this with almost zero progress?

Please help..


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It will get easier and 4 months is not that long. Have you taken up any new hobbies, activities etc? Something for you to get your head and teeth into?


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm sorry you're here. I can't answer the question in your title, but I do have answers to some of the things in your post. 

You are most likely prettier than the OW. There is a thread on here talking about "Affair Down". The OM or OW very often is less attractive in many ways than the person being cheated on. I think that to be the case in my situation. I have seen pics of someone on here and the OW in their case. It certainly was an "affair down" situation.

Stop looking at his facebook. That is self-inflicted torture, in my opinion. You need to learn to detach. (I do, too, but that is another story). He can't bother you if you don't let him. Just accept the fact that he is the one losing out. One thing that is comforting me is this fact. Most likely, no woman can make him happy. He is a cheater. I believe most of them fit this profile. You couldn't have done anything to make him happy. It is a character flaw. But the comforting thing is, this OW won't either. It is just a matter of time before he does the same thing to her. The next woman and the next and the next won't make him happy either. Unless something changes in him, he will never be happy. As long as he is looking for happiness outside of him, he will live a miserable life. That might not be much consolation, but it helps to get over the "What if I had done this or that?" crap.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> You are most likely prettier than the OW. There is a thread on here talking about "Affair Down". The OM or OW very often is less attractive in many ways than the person being cheated on.
> 
> Stop looking at his facebook.
> You need to learn to detach.
> ...


Accurate, so very true.
Concentrate on YOU!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You just had your heart broken this this turd so no, 4 months isn't going to make it magically go away.

You need to focus on WHY you dumped this jerk. I remember your post. This guy is a total jerk and you are WAY better off than being with someone who has so little respect for you.

STOP looking at his and her Facebooks. Block them completely or stop getting on FB altogether. 

NO MORE trying to find him anywhere, online, in person, whatevs, you know? 

And I agree with TN--he is a serial cheat. He will not likely ever stop doing this to women.


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

I want to believe that he is a serial cheater soooo bad... it would really help my self esteem and to stop blaming myself.. I also would love to stop running into him but..

The problem is that we are both salsa dancers... well, I'm closer to pro level than he is. Actually, it has always been my passion. Since we broke up, he has been coming to all the salsa clubs with her.. I don't want to stop going because it has honestly been my therapy through this break-up... I stopped going for a month and sank into a deep depression... now that I'm dancing again I am so happy but i see them together and it hurts more than you can imagine..

He even brings her to all the clubs that him and I were regulars at for years!!! I mean the entire community knows us and knew us as partners for years.. now I don't have a salsa partner (it's hard to find a good dancer that is also willing to practice and compete but I'm looking) and he has literally substituted her with me in EVERY sense of the word without as much as a flinch on his behalf! Like what we had meant nothing! And people honestly loved us and loved to see a young attractive couple that dated and danced well.. we were a hit everywhere and everyone knew about us.. (little did they know what went on behind closed doors.. the screaming and cheating and lying... he's a good actor in public) I know what you might suggest but I can't go to different clubs because I dance where all the pros dance and I'm very involved in the community..the festivals..the congress..etc etc

Another thing that bothers me is that she is Latina and I am not. I'm European (Spain)

He has always been OBSESSED with latinas and they're whole culture (he's not latino he is also from Spain)... I don't know why.. I find they're culture trashy but whatever. When we used to travel to Cuba just seeing the way he stared at some of the half naked girls that worked at the resort (and even flirted with them) made my skin boil.. funny thing is he didn't cheat on me with latinas (one was Arabic and the other was French) but now he's dating one and it hurts like hell to see the 2 of them together dancing.. especially when I know he's obessed with their culture (he always talked about it) and wants to move to South America.. I don't think I'll ever get over it if he moves there with her and lives happily ever after I might sound crazy but being with this guy for so many years and feeling inadequate because I'm not latina and then being cheated on and then seeing him with a latina.. the whole thing has slowly killed me inside over the past few years and I don't know how to build myself back up and find myself again.. it hurts so friggin bad! (it didn't start out this way.. I thought I was the love of his life in the beginning)

Please help.. I don't know what to do... the entire thing has eaten away at me.. I miss him like crazy and I don't understand WHY HE HAD THE GOOD LUCK to meet someone 2 WEEKS after I dumped him for cheating on me for the second time.. and I can't find someone to have that strong passionate connection I had with him.. nor do I even feel ready too.... I burst into tears at the thought. I've gone completely nuts.. almost to the point where I packed my bags and was ready to move to Spain. But my father passed away and I didn't want to leave my mother here alone.. sigh.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dior01, I kinda know how you feel. Seems like they have moved on so quick - in my W case it was zero weeks before she started dating again (well actually a negative number of weeks because she actually started "dating" before we technically separated).

I know what you mean about the latin community and it being a whole community, a close buddy is big time into Salsa (not quite pro, but atleast as involved) and it is very tightly knit.

It is also impossible to compete with something you can't be (ie the right race) in my case the FXW was all about black men (even when our marriage was good and she respected me she'd still sometimes brag that I was "black on the inside" which was really just her putting out her fantasy, I'm white bread thru and thru).

It'll get better, but it is impossible to tell you how that will look like for you. Myself, I feel much stronger when she is gone, and I feel unburdened by no longer being her provider. At the same time I feel lonely and so inadequate in a lot of ways even though I can see myself as an amazing catch.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Go and have a look at the Letting Go thread. You are worth so much more than this!

Unfriend on Facebook. Do this NOW
He is NOT your friend

Reclaim the places you want to go when you are feeling stronger
Do the 180.. .I am 5 months out after a 25 year relationship and feeling good. 95% of the time.

If I can do it. So can you.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

At least you didn't marry him. Consider yourself lucky on that front.

"I find they're culture trashy but whatever."- This is rather insensitive, though. I don't no if its true, but I've heard Spanish people often hold this type of sentiment when it come to people they "conquered" in the Americas- correct me if I'm wrong. That's pretty _Old World _thinking. 

Anyway, he's basically throwing it in your face right now given that you were the one to end it: he's punishing you for it now- *plain and simply*.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's interesting you say this:



dior01 said:


> Another thing that bothers me is that she is Latina and I am not. I'm European (Spain)
> 
> He has always been OBSESSED with latinas and they're whole culture (he's not latino he is also from Spain)... I don't know why*.. I find they're culture trashy but whatever. *


But then later you say this: 



dior01 said:


> I might sound crazy but being with this guy for so many years and *feeling inadequate because I'm not latina * then being cheated on and then seeing him with a latina.. the whole thing has slowly killed me inside


You sound prejudiced and confused and very insecure. 

As a latina, I will say it's sad when people think like you do.

While I don't agree with your assessment of the "trashy culture" I think you need to get over this fool... You knew what he was about the first, second, and however many other times he cheated on you and mistreated you and you stayed. This isn't about her, it's not about her being a latina, it's not about the other chicks being French, Arab or Cuban. This is about a man who won't keep his d!ck in his pants and who has gone chasing after more tail, and dumping you in the process. He's a serial cheat, plain and simple. You know that already.

The sooner you regain your dignity and self-respect, the better for you. Lashing out/deflecting from what the real problem is (that dude is no good) and feeling so offended he hooked up with someone from such a "trashy culture" is sad and won't help your recovery.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> You sound prejudiced and confused and very insecure.


I agree she sounds prejudiced, but I wouldn't take it too personally. She's in a bad state of mind right now. Latin women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. I mean, you can be 80 years old and still look like you're in your 30's.  I know that's a bit of a stretch, but not by much, Latin women just age very gracefully. 

She seems to be projecting her anger and hurt onto Latin people because her WS left her for a Latin woman and he was obsessed with them. It's really a shame that he's done this to her so many times.

@dior - Please don't blame the entire Latin community for this trashy woman and her wh0re ways or your sh!tty husband. The Latin community is rich with culture and beauty, just as the Spanish people are. Once you settle and your hurt and anger subside, I'm sure you'll see this. You deserve so much better than him and you'll eventually find someone that will make you feel that way. 

I agree with everyone else on here, you need to detach from this guy completely and have time to recover. That means deleting him from facebook and trying not to go to the same places he goes to. The depression you felt from not salsa dancing, was most likely depression from not being with him. He's made his choice, bad as it was, and she will eventually see him for who he really is. He is a real piece of sh!t for purposely torturing you like he is, but you need to quit torturing yourself too. In the end, you win. You have the opportunity to find love again, seize it and be loved.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

dior01 said:


> I miss him like crazy and I don't understand WHY HE HAD THE GOOD LUCK to meet someone 2 WEEKS after I dumped him for cheating on me for the second time..


Well, it's extremely likely he didn't meet her 2 weeks AFTER you dumped him. More likely 2 weeks, months, etc. BEFORE you dumped him. Forget about him. I know that is extemely hard to do. I am struggling with that myself. 

He will not live "happily ever after" with her. It will seem so for a while. It's just a matter of time before he tires of her and moves on to the next one. I'm sure there are plenty of salsa dancers where you have been going that have been longing for the opportunity to dance with you. Now that he is out of the picture, I doubt it will be long before one gets up the nerve to ask.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I agree she sounds prejudiced, but I wouldn't take it too personally. She's in a bad state of mind right now.
> 
> She seems to be projecting her anger and hurt onto Latin people



Oh, I don't take her prejudices personally at all. There are people like her everywhere. How they really feel always comes out. It's funny when they try to backtrack after the fact, too. 

I still maintain it's sad that people ascribe to that way of thinking. 

But that's another topic altogether. 

The OP's ex is still a d*uchebag, cheater loser abuser user, regardless of what she thinks about other cultures being "trashy" or not.


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Wasn't expecting so much backlash over ONE honest comment.. I guess I should have clarified that it's the girls from vacation that I was referring to! And even though I should not put them all in the same category.. if you saw the way they behaved and carried themselves and dressed (and I have been to Cuba and Dominican with him 5 times over the years) and on top of that you were with your pig of a fiancee who was drooling over it.. you would feel the same way I did at the time. It never used to bother me before though.... so I guess a lot of my sentiments come from the way I felt about him.. NOT that I give a **** about what latinas do and how they dress on a regular basis.. only bothered me when the ex was involved. Nevertheless, didn't mean to offend anyone... I am well aware that not all latinos are bad.. in fact I really like Argentina. And I also don't agree with the whole "old world" mentality comment. I really don't care that the Spaniards conquered the Americas during Colonial times.. quite frankly our culture is very different from theirs despite the fact that we speak the same language (although our Spanish is also a bit different and varies from country to country) I grew up in Spain and traveled to Argentina with family and I never once remember the 'better than them' attitude from my folks.

Anyways.. back to the real issue.. I appreciate the input and advice from everyone.. I guess it is possible that he did meet her before we broke up.. but he has a tendency to move quickly.. we moved in together after only 2 months of dating (yet another mistake on my part)

I am trying very hard to stop thinking about this. I deactivated my facebook.. definitely helps.. I guess I am just looking for some guidance on how to stop feeling so insecure about the whole 'not being latina' thing.. seeing as it is rediculous..and I love my culture and find the women very beautiful (and btw we age gracefully as well.. it's the same genes that run through our blood) Before this jerk I never felt insecure about anything.. and I also have never been this heartbroken.. so any advice on how to snap out fo this already would really help.. I can honestly admit that my views might be very skewed right now and I would love to change that and get back to the old me.. I feel like I lost myself a bit.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

dior01 said:


> I am trying very hard to stop thinking about this. I deactivated my facebook.. definitely helps.. I guess I am just looking for some guidance on how to stop feeling so insecure about the whole 'not being latina' thing.. seeing as it is rediculous..and I love my culture and find the women very beautiful (and btw we age gracefully as well.. it's the same genes that run through our blood) Before this jerk I never felt insecure about anything.. and I also have never been this heartbroken.. so any advice on how to snap out fo this already would really help.. I can honestly admit that my views might be very skewed right now and I would love to change that and get back to the old me.. I feel like I lost myself a bit.


It's great that you deactivated your facebook. That was a great first step. He's done enough crap to you that you don't need to "self mutilate" as well. All of us have felt insecure when we found out our spouses cheated on us. It may take time for you to realize and believe that you are not the reason he cheated and left. HE is the reason. You never deserved to be cheated on and treated the way you were. I can probably imagine that you are a beautiful woman and very fit, especially if you are almost at a professional level with salsa dancing. It seems you need a self-esteem boost. Go out to a few bars with friends, flirt with some guys, find out that you're beautiful again and that a lot of men would be happy to be with you. Go to places he wouldn't. Find out that life can and will be fun again. Basically, find yourself again. Jellybeans and I both know that you are coming from a place of pain with your comments. I can't tell you a magical thing to do to relieve the heartache, other than doing things that take your mind off of him. You will always have triggers that remind you, and yes they do lessen over time. Time really does heal all wounds. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth, just ask anyone on these boards that are awhile out from either leaving their spouse, or truly reconciling with their spouse. Life will move on and you will find someone that truly deserves and respects the wonderful person that you are. Good luck and know that you are a beautiful, wonderful, loving woman and that there is someone out there for you that will realize that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> Jellybeans and I both know that you are coming from a place of pain with your comments.


Restless, please do not put words in my mouth. While I understand she is coming from a "place of pain" that does not excuse or make her prejudiced comments any better or acceptable to me.



dior01 said:


> Wasn't expecting so much backlash over ONE honest comment


Yes, it's your honesty was very clear. 



dior01 said:


> I guess I should have clarified that it's the girls from vacation that I was referring to! And even though I should not put them all in the same category.. if you saw the way they behaved and carried themselves and dressed (and I have been to Cuba and Dominican with him 5 times over the years) and on top of that you were with your pig of a fiancee who was drooling over it.. you would feel the same way I did at the time..


I have travelled extensively and can assure you, no I wouldn't have "felt the same way" and deemed an entire "culture" to be "trashy" based on some d!ck's wandering eyes and manwh*re ways (of which you were clearly already aware of).



dior01 said:


> ... I am well aware that *not all latinos are bad*..


That's reassuring. 

Anyway, the main issue here is you are feeling insecure from his betrayal. That's normal. Stop giving him all of your power. Stop checking up on him. Stop believing you are less than because of something that he chose. He disrespected you way too many times and you need to see him for who he really is, not who you want him to be. Who you want him to be isn't real. It doesn't exist.

Get some counselling for yourself to find out why you are still attracted to someone who did you the way he did.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

You might not have thought your comments were insensitve, but they certainly were. 

"And I also don't agree with the whole "old world" mentality comment."- How is it NOT an Old World comment? Its the same as in Victorian times in America, where the upper crust viewed the less prominent peoples as "a lesser sort." 

I've also been to Argentina, and a few other Latin American countries, and many of the people exhibit a superiority complex towards the rest of their bretheren because of their "lighter" skin- BELIEVE IT! They point to their "Spanish" roots as a more prestigious background, rather than embracing their rich and beautiful culture rooted in the America's- so sad. 


Look, I know you're hurting and all, but you can't go around blaming a group of people for it. You need to move-on. I can tell by your most recent post that you STILL harbor ill will toward Latina's:"if you saw the way they behaved and carried themselves and dressed"- And your point is... It wasn't a Latina; it was your DUMBASS boyfriend who betrayed you.


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## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

I feel for you I am asking myself the same question, but I know it will get better with time, and I am finding if I stop myself from dwelling on it I feel much better  wish you the best sweetie


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> Restless, please do not put words in my mouth. While I understand she is coming from a "place of pain" that does not excuse or make her prejudiced comments any better or acceptable to me.


I apologize for overstepping. I know that her comments are not acceptable in any form or fashion. Her generalization of a people based on her husband is unacceptable.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No sweat.


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> You might not have thought your comments were insensitve, but they certainly were.
> 
> "And I also don't agree with the whole "old world" mentality comment."- How is it NOT an Old World comment? Its the same as in Victorian times in America, where the upper crust viewed the less prominent peoples as "a lesser sort."
> 
> ...


Ok..

First:

I said I don't agree with the old world mentality comment because you said I have that old world thinking! So I was explaining to you that I don't and neither do my parents and I was not raised that way since you seem to think that all Spaniards have that mentality! (wasn't debating whether or not that mentality exists because that would be a never ending debate) Which brings me to my next point: The fact that you just said you have traveled and noticed that people from Argentina and other latin communities have that old world mentality about their darker skinned bretherens because of the color of their skin and their European roots.. you yourself just made a negative overgenaralization about another culture! yet you're criticizing me for it? And you also made that observation from traveling (not from actually being Spanish, which I am so it would technically put me in a better position to comment based on what I have observed growing up) so clearly it has no merit just like you implied that my observation didn't have merit when I traveled to Cuba and Dominican. 

I think you just proved my point that people can't help but make certain assumptions at times based on their own experiences! And while you are correct that not all women in Cuba or Dominican are trashy.. you are very right about that.. the women that my ex stared at (and there were plenty) WERE! So perhaps I should have been more careful with my wording. Maybe this should have been my statement:

I don't understand why my ex was attracted to the latinas that acted and dressed trashy and then made me feel insecure about not being like them.

Better?

Again.. didn't intend to cause such an uproar. And you say I harbor ill will towards latinas?? really?? "Ill will"? That is very extreme.., I don't recall ever saying that I wish anything and upon them.. I COULD CARE LESS! I am only hurt and affected about the PAST and what happened in relation to my ex! Can't you see that is all I am trying to analyze to death?? Trying to come up with answers to ease my heart... that's it. Those women do not affect me beyond any point that is not DIRECTLY related to my ex and I'm pretty sure I made that very clear. So I am done defending that part of it.

Thank you for the rest of your input that is not related to this trivial issue. The only reason I came on here is to find some answers... I guess I was hoping for someone to relate to me and recognize what i have been through and give me some answers because I keep going over everything in my head and I am tired of doing that and of thinking about it. I genuinely am! So I appreciate all the advice in relation to that. Thank you


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I've also been to Argentina, and a few other Latin American countries, and many of the people exhibit a superiority complex towards the rest of their bretheren because of their "lighter" skin- BELIEVE IT! They point to their "Spanish" roots as a more prestigious background, rather than embracing their rich and beautiful culture rooted in the America's- so sad.


Argentina WAS a first world country until the mid 1950's. It's not really a disdain thing though. I mean next door Uruguay is 95% white European and the key reason is they didn't displace anyone, they simply showed up. It's more of a pioneer spirit I guess like the first families of Australia.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I only speak on what I've observed. 

Sorry, but I can't relate to insensitive remarks. I can guarantee that if you go to any forum with the same attitude you exhibited here, you'll get the same response.

When did I EVER lump EVERY Spaniard in the point I was trying to make? Unlike you, I chose my wording correctly by stating "some" people from Spain. Just like here in America- "some" people STILL have a backward mentality when it comes to class struggle. 

This is getting off the point from you being cheated-on(hurt), so I'll end this discussion right now. 

Just choose your words carefully before making these types of remarks degrading a certain segment of Americans- Latin Americans.


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