# Why Men and Women See Infidelity So Differently



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

A very nice person here sent me this article. It is very interesting and possibly helpful. If you haven't read it, I recommend that you do so. 

*Why Men and Women See Infidelity So Differently*


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Actually, it goes deeper than that. You need to go back a few hundred of thousand of years of primates' social evolution to see the evolutionary stresses for both sexes as to what was important as far as making sure the progeny would make it alive till they were around 12 to 14 years of age at which age the progeny already had a chance of making it for then to start a new generation.

For males the imperative was and still is transfer of their own genetic material, and not that of another male. Which dictated how little or how much possible involment with rearing as long as they knew that the female was impregnated by them. 

For the females, once impregnated, the stress was and still is the cooperation of the male partner to ensure that the partner would stick around until at least the progeny was ready to be on their own. Therefore, emotional involment was and still is a major tool for females to make a male to desire to stick around.

Since it was not a guarantee that the male partner would return alive or, wanted to return, females evolved sticking together to help each other. You see this to this day. Now we call it the female's network.

Females network constantly in order to ensure the availability of help in the eventuality thst the male won't stick around. The emotional involment of females is in average much higher with their female peers, while males don't to this day invest as much emotions with their males peers. It's more of a necessity bonding.

Bottom line: females more emotionally invested. Males less emotionally invested. In today's world you now see males more emotionally invested, but still to the big majority not as deep as females.
Therefore the sexual differences in average as far as sexual liaisons for males and females: for males on average sex is sex no need to involve emotions. Females: emotions are on average most likely always involved.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Definitely an article written for a female audience. Men cheat because they're horny but noble woman does it for love and romance.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sfort said:


> A very nice person here sent me this article. It is very interesting and possibly helpful. If you haven't read it, I recommend that you do so.
> 
> *Why Men and Women See Infidelity So Differently*


I think it's pretty much common sense, we're different. We have just been taught this post modern nonsense that there are no differences for about 20 years now. When we should have been taught that our differences don't make either one of us less valid or worthy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> Definitely an article written for a female audience. Men cheat because they're horny but noble woman does it for love and romance.


There is truth in this too.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I mean...is it really that different? It seems like what they're saying is men and women cheat. I'm not sure it matters to the betrayed spouse the why...maybe it did. But reasoning like this makes me nervous because it can potentially be used to rationalize cheating. "It wasn't me honey, it was evolutionary biology. I compartmentalize. " Or if it's a woman. "It wasn't me honey, it was my Miss Marple spider senses that picked that loser."


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## Angel00911 (May 31, 2021)

Good article but its no black and white
But a 5000 shade of grey


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> I mean...is it really that different? It seems like what they're saying is men and women cheat. I'm not sure it matters to the betrayed spouse the why...maybe it did. But reasoning like this makes me nervous because it can potentially be used to rationalize cheating. "It wasn't me honey, it was evolutionary biology. I compartmentalize. " Or if it's a woman. "It wasn't me honey, it was my Miss Marple spider senses that picked that loser."


Of course men and women cheat. If we human didn't cheat, there weren't any need for forums like this.
We had bought somehow into the notion that we are a monogamous species, NO we are not. If we were, we would be like the swans, pairing for life and never having to even know the notion of infidelity. 

That article, basically written for women, is just a veiled attempt to explain cheating' s dynamics from an emotional point of view, without assigning society's constraints or guilts, just the cheating, not the wrongs.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I think the article is on the money. Just on this forum, men ask, "Did you have sex with him" while women ask, "Did you tell her you love her?" Life is certainly more complicated that one magazine article, but this one seems to make a lot of sense.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sfort said:


> I think the article is on the money.


Looks like the usual stereotypes to me.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Of course men and women cheat. If we human didn't cheat, there weren't any need for forums like this.
> *We had bought somehow into the notion that we are a monogamous species, NO we are not.* If we were, we would be like the swans, pairing for life and never having to even know the notion of infidelity.
> 
> That article, basically written for women, is just a veiled attempt to explain cheating' s dynamics from an emotional point of view, without assigning society's constraints or guilts, just the cheating, not the wrongs.


I don't agree with the bolded. Some species of swan will actually "cheat" btw but that's neither here nor there since we're talking about human beings. The things that bothers me most about this point of view, is that it is used by cheaters to excuse their actions. But if one feels that way, great. But then why marry? Why have children? Why pretend to have a monogamous relationship? It's senseless.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Monogamy is one of the traits that separates humans from dogs. Some people don't make the grade.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Sfort said:


> Monogamy is one of the traits that separates humans from dogs. Some people don't make the grade.


So...good for the dogs, I didn't know they were monogamous.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> The things that bothers me most about this point of view, is that it is used by cheaters to excuse their actions.


Most likely, those that are going to cheat don't even know about this point of view, but some do. 

We humans, have been cheating since the beginning of time, and at that time there were not psychological or behavioral excuses, we just do. It takes commitment, character, and control for most humans to not cheat when the cookie jar is opened for us.

Throughout time the deterrents were dired, specially for women, it still happens in some areas of the world.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I know for a fact a lot of women cheat for lust and no other reason needed.

Women are, in my observations, more subject to image issues and pressures when it comes to sex and generally more vulnerable to unfavorable outcomes so I agree with the article in part.

If a woman is in a good enough position to be relatively secure or safe, she will behave in much the same manner as a man sexually and that includes cheating.

Most women are not in a situation where the risk to themselves is mitigated down to more the level of a man so while I might agree with the article on a lot of the behavior of women cheaters, I disagree with the motivations.

Women have nearly the same motivations and urges men do when it comes to sex but they have differing MO's.

It is less safe for most women to cheat and I'm convinced that developing emotional connections with the AP is almost a survival mechanism for if she is discovered. She can then be paired and say anything about her previous relationship/marriage she wants to and there by socially justify her perfidy.

Often times obtaining that emotional connection to an AP results in neglecting or becoming disdainful of the betrayed man and leads to her dissolving the old relationship in favor of the new as a consequence because a lot of people aren't wired to be attached emotionally like that with more than one person.

Make no mistake though, the initial impetus to cheat is usually lust plain and simple.

Women who are in secure positions and/or positions of secure power and wealth have been proving that women cheat to fulfill lust exactly the same as men and this has been happening throughout history.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Interesting, but as others have said, there are many shades of grey when it comes to the whys of cheating. I think it really boils down to disrespect. When you cheat, you rob your spouse of making an informed decision about their life. The cheater puts their BS in the position of living a lie. 
In my situation, I definitely fit into the article's female cheater profile. My H was a serial cheater, so many that he claims he doesn't remember the number. I half believe him because he was drinking so heavily back then. My reaction was to shut down and then years later I had what I term "reactive" affairs myself. In the first instance it was always just sexting, never met in person, only talked on the phone a few times. I convinced myself that there were real feelings involved and that he reciprocated those feelings. Which was a joke because he was also serial cheater. My 2nd AP was a friend first so the warm feelings were already there at the beginning and it didn't take much to latch onto him as my KISA who was going to rescue me from my miserable marriage. Looking back on both affairs I can see how pathetic I was, but also how lonely and desperate for sexual and romantic love. From my perspective, I never bought that my H cheated for sex only, it was also done out of contempt for me. I told him in MC that I could have understood it more if he had fallen in love with someone. That as hard as that would be, I could at least accept that and move on from there as we had profound compatibility issues then. His answer was, it was just the sex.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Women have nearly the same motivations and urges men do when it comes to sex but they have differing MO's.


Maybe so, but I hear SO many women say otherwise. "Women don't even need to have orgasms with sex." Well, men do. That fact alone seems to contradict your statement.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Maybe so, but I hear SO many women say otherwise. "Women don't even need to have orgasms with sex." Well, men do. That fact alone seems to contradict your statement.


History and women in secure positions today verifies what I believe.

Women are generally more vulnerable than men.

Take away that vulnerability and sexual behaviors even out quite a bit.

The fact that we have different sex organs that certainly function differently doesn't have any impact on lust in both men and women.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> History and women in secure positions today verifies what I believe.
> 
> Women are generally more vulnerable than men.
> 
> ...


Maybe so. I'm the least qualified person here to know the answer. What you are saying differs from what I've been told. As I recall, you or your spouse has never experienced infidelity. If that's true, has that affected your attitude on this topic?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I know for a fact a lot of women cheat for lust and no other reason needed.
> 
> Women are, in my observations, more subject to image issues and pressures when it comes to sex and generally more vulnerable to unfavorable outcomes so I agree with the article in part.
> 
> ...





Sfort said:


> Maybe so, but I hear SO many women say otherwise. "Women don't even need to have orgasms with sex." Well, men do. That fact alone seems to contradict your statement.


I was approaching menopause when I cheated and absolutely STARVED for sex. My youngest sister is now around the age I was when I cheated and she's making some of the same moves I did - getting in great shape, more irritated with her partner, looking at a career switch. I tell her to be very careful about her choices as the 50's are a dangerous age for women. For many women it feels like they are staring down the last years of sexual attractiveness.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sfort said:


> Maybe so. I'm the least qualified person here to know the answer. What you are saying differs from what I've been told. As I recall, you or your spouse has never experienced infidelity. If that's true, has that affected your attitude on this topic?


I haven't been cheated on but have been a very close witness to all kinds of bad sexual behavior, including cheating, for my entire life. I've also studied it for years and years and been involved in ministry and marriage counseling and had access to privileged information.

I've seen a lot of women cheating and had the inside scoop.

Mrs. Conan was the other woman twice and cheated on both her first and second husbands but there were mitigating circumstances.

She has been the model of loyalty and fidelity for me the nearly 30 years we have been together.

I have a pretty good grasp of human nature though and I'm usually pretty accurate in being able to tell the how, what and why when it comes to behavior.

Mrs. C was the other woman twice in positions of remarkable power imbalance.

The first was a married deacon in her church who had direct power over her. She was 18 and a virgin and he was pure scum.

The second time, she was a live in nanny and her boss took advantage of the situation because she lived with them and depended on them for her livelihood.

She felt traumatized by the first and hated her weakness for the second.

Her first husband was almost a marriage of convenience and he blatantly cheated on her first so she felt her marriage was a sham and stopped caring. It lasted only two years.

Her second husband was very charming but a paranoid schizophrenic with substance control problems. He was also a terrible bully who needed to manipulate and control people though through emotional and mental means as he wasn't a physical specimen.

He got her pregnant, blamed her, cheated on her and then tried to move his mistress in with them before she gave up and disconnected emotionally and had a fling or two herself before leaving him. Even then she was trying to make it work but her health and her son's were becoming at risk while they were with him.

She then met me and no infidelity has occurred since.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

blahfridge said:


> I was approaching menopause when I cheated and absolutely STARVED for sex. My youngest sister is now around the age I was when I cheated and she's making some of the same moves I did - getting in great shape, more irritated with her partner, looking at a career switch. I tell her to be very careful about her choices as the 50's are a dangerous age for women. For many women it feels like they are staring down the last years of sexual attractiveness.


So you cheated due to lust. Is sex without orgasms satisfactory to you?


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Sfort said:


> So you cheated due to lust. Is sex without orgasms satisfactory to you?


I cheated for a number of reasons, lust being one. I wanted the orgasms, yes, but I could do that for myself. More than that, I wanted a man inside me again. I wanted to feel that specific kind of closeness, of having a man take me that way, if that makes sense. And I never got it. The two times we attempted sex, my 2nd AP was unable to maintain an erection for more than a minute, most likely out of nervousness and from medication he was on. He took care of me orally, but I was still deeply disappointed. Regardless, I convinced myself I was in love with him and wanted to be with him. Which makes me wonder if women just convince themselves that their affairs are for the emotional connection because society tells us that this is an "acceptable" reason for women to step out on their marriages. I think Conan is right that it's about lust, but I see it as more complicated than that.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

blahfridge said:


> I cheated for a number of reasons, lust being one. I wanted the orgasms, yes, but I could do that for myself. More than that, I wanted a man inside me again. I wanted to feel that specific kind of closeness, of having a man take me that way, if that makes sense.


If that makes sense? You just lit up every guy who reads this post!



> And I never got it. The two times we attempted sex, my 2nd AP was unable to maintain an erection for more than a minute, most likely out of nervousness and from medication he was on. He took care of me orally, but I was still deeply disappointed. Regardless, I convinced myself I was in love with him and wanted to be with him.


Are you still with him?



> Which makes me wonder if women just convince themselves that their affairs are for the emotional connection because society tells us that this is an "acceptable" reason for women to step out on their marriages. I think Conan is right that it's about lust, but I see it as more complicated than that.


My interpretation of what you just said is that the article is essentially correct, but lust should have been added to the list. I didn't see the description in the article as being mutually exclusive with lust.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

blahfridge said:


> I was approaching menopause when I cheated and absolutely STARVED for sex. My youngest sister is now around the age I was when I cheated and she's making some of the same moves I did - getting in great shape, more irritated with her partner, looking at a career switch. I tell her to be very careful about her choices as the 50's are a dangerous age for women. For many women it feels like they are staring down the last years of sexual attractiveness.


That's very insightful. And a good warning.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Sfort said:


> If that makes sense? You just lit up every guy who reads this post!
> 
> Lol!
> 
> ...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Sfort said:


> Maybe so, but I hear SO many women say otherwise. "Women don't even need to have orgasms with sex." Well, men do. That fact alone seems to contradict your statement.


There are many times i have not had orgasm during sex. It bothered my wife, but i was fine with it. I very much enjoyed the connection with my wife. But i am a man that the sex is not about "bust'n a nut", except when we were working on children.


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## Hippieluv034 (Apr 26, 2021)

The answer is simple you, simply give her a reason to come home to when you treat her like a real woman with love and appreciation. I completely agree with getting more in touch with your partner emotionally, I found that it brings my personal relationship to a Tantric level. There’s nothing wrong with treating your woman like a goddess, because when you do your relationship will be at a level. I promise!


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Hippieluv034 said:


> The answer is simple you, simply give her a reason to come home to when you treat her like a real woman with love and appreciation. I completely agree with getting more in touch with your partner emotionally, I found that it brings my personal relationship to a Tantric level. There’s nothing wrong with treating your woman like a goddess, because when you do your relationship will be at a level. I promise!


Someone may be blowing a little smoke up the proverbial butt here. If one is allowed to say.

Definitely treat your woman very well, yes.

Does that guarantee a successful relationship? No.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Hippieluv034 said:


> The answer is simple you, simply give her a reason to come home to when you treat her like a real woman with love and appreciation. I completely agree with getting more in touch with your partner emotionally, I found that it brings my personal relationship to a Tantric level. There’s nothing wrong with treating your woman like a goddess, because when you do your relationship will be at a level. I promise!





CountryMike said:


> Someone may be blowing a little smoke up the proverbial butt here. If one is allowed to say.
> 
> Definitely treat your woman very well, yes.
> 
> Does that guarantee a successful relationship? No.


Every situation can be different since every person is different to some degree, but in my experience Hippieluv is right. My wife and I have always had a good marriage and relationship. In spite of that a couple years ago as we were becoming empty nesters I really stepped things up with her. As Hippie said, I really tried to treat my wife like a goddess. It has been amazing for our relationship. My wife has reciprocated which makes me want to do it even more and it just snowballs, in a good way. Like I said, every situation is different and other people may react differently. However, my experience is this works and makes it easy to get the love and intimacy we need right at home. 

As for the article, it is quite interesting. I can see how it may be looked at as playing into stereotypes, but even stereotypes have some truth to them. And keep in mind that what they are talking about is subconscious thoughts that we may not even be aware of. Look at what blahfridge said. She cheated because she lusted after a man, just wanted him inside her. In spite of that very animalistic drive for sex she still had thoughts of loving and being with him. Was that social pressure as she suspected, or was it really her evolutionary subconscious instincts coming out?


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Every situation can be different since every person is different to some degree, but in my experience Hippieluv is right. My wife and I have always had a good marriage and relationship. In spite of that a couple years ago as we were becoming empty nesters I really stepped things up with her. As Hippie said, I really tried to treat my wife like a goddess. It has been amazing for our relationship. My wife has reciprocated which makes me want to do it even more and it just snowballs, in a good way. Like I said, every situation is different and other people may react differently. However, my experience is this works and makes it easy to get the love and intimacy we need right at home.
> 
> As for the article, it is quite interesting. I can see how it may be looked at as playing into stereotypes, but even stereotypes have some truth to them. And keep in mind that what they are talking about is subconscious thoughts that we may not even be aware of. Look at what blahfridge said. She cheated because she lusted after a man, just wanted him inside her. In spite of that very animalistic drive for sex she still had thoughts of loving and being with him. Was that social pressure as she suspected, or was it really her evolutionary subconscious instincts coming out?


The caveat being that yes, it's good to do so but doesn't guarantee a positive relationship in all cases as the response stated.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

This made me laugh:

Men typically do not need to be in love to enjoy sex. In fact, they don’t even need to be in _like_; they just have to be turned on. Generally, it’s more difficult to get a woman interested in sex because they want a deep voice AND big biceps AND a sense of humor AND a guy who listens AND a desire to have kids and fix up a house together AND a whole bunch of other stuff.


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