# New member needing advice/insights



## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Greetings,
I am a new member and have some support in my life but am just confused and looking for online support and to help others if possible. My wife of almost 10 years ago asked for a divorce about 20 days ago. It caught me completely off guard. I know a relationship is 50/50. I am not putting all the blame on her but asked her to do marital counseling which she refused. After 3 days of no contact, she agreed but said negative things about counseling like she "owes" it to the marriage, doesn't want to give guarantees or work on better communication, etc.

She moved out to her sister's and our adopted son who both hate me. We handed custody of him over to this sister several years ago because of his behavior problems (threatened to kill me in a journal, kill two other kids at school, possession of vapes/drug paraphernalia). The relationship with our son was never overall good with me but I tried very hard.

I know our relationship had been turmoil on/off but I never got a total disconnect from her until she left. Well, earlier today she basically started the divorce process and I will be served soon. I don't want a divorce, don't believe we should get a divorce. I know anyone can't get a divorce and I can't make her stay. It's just hurtful because she keeps trying to tell me she was involved in domestic violence with me, I am a manipulative, I am angry all the time, etc. She claims I am always yelling, breaking things, throwing things, etc. This is not completely true. I have lost my temper over hurtful things but never abuse. She had a traumatic childhood as a girl (dad chased her mom with a baseball bat).

I recently found some diaries of hers saying how much of a blessing I was to her, our son, we both want children etc. She talks about feeling bad for correcting me in front of our son when we were trying to discipline him. She also mentions saying evil things to me she wouldn't say to her worst enemy. I went through her old phone and found a 3 year old text message with her arguing with her parents about stop trying to convince her she is abused by me, stay out of our marriage and stop interrogating our son about therapy.

This may seem like an invasion of privacy, but she left the journals here and her old phone. My attorney told me to grab them just in case. She told the therapist I was abusive to her, manipulative, etc. Again, I'm not blaming her for everything and admit we had some doozy arguments. The therapist mentioned that we should put up strong boundaries with families and work on healing ourselves first. Well she only tried two sessions and quit and went with divorce. She has interrogated who I have talked too, what am I telling them, and did I tell her "side of the story."

Also, I admit, I had some strong urges to harm myself, but I got help from friends/family and put up weapons with a close friend. She knew about this plan for several days but then called my friend and our therapist claiming I was threatening suicide and had access at that moment which was not true. She also crazily claimed I was following her in an old vehicle owned.

I feel she may have cheated on me... mentioned a police officer flirting with her and asking her to marry him, some old family friend hitting her up for dates, ordered body spray and see through heart panties to our house (moved out 20 days ago), old bank records of eating fast food but paying $20 for a meal, etc. She claims she told me if these things in the past but I don't remember. I sold a bunch of silver and she nagged me to put it in the bank for house repairs but I did keep back $500 which I'm glad I did. While she was nagging me about that I found out she had already drawn up divorce papers, even though she said she was sticking with counseling. I am starting law school soon and obtained a lawyer because she tried to convince me just to cooperate in mediation but I'm not buying it. I think she is trying to pull something, cheated on me, and wonder what other surprises are coming.

I do have an attorney but again don't want a divorce. Btw, she told me 3 ways of ending the marriage for her was to overdose on her own medication, "screw" another guy, or hoped I died. Just trying to process and heal. Any advice is appreciated 👍


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Get an attorney, yes she’s a cheater.

Know it’s going to be excruciatingly painful for a while, but later you’ll be able to see that her filing for a divorce is a blessing, not a curse.

she’s going to do everything possible to get everything she can out of you in the divorce. Just be prepared. She will seem like a different person…. She is… treat her as the stranger she is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard.

You say that you don't want to do mediation. It can be a lot cheaper to do mediation. However, as you suggest, it's often used to bamboozle one party capitulate to the demands of the other. One thing you could do is get some consolations with a lawyer, so you know that the norm is for things like splitting assets. Then use that knowledge in medication. If she and the mediator push you to give her more than you feel is her 50%, then just stop the mediation and use your lawyer.

How old is your adopted son? 

You say he's living with your wife's sister, his aunt. Do you and your wife currently help your wife's sister financially for your son? Will that be part of the divorce?


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Thank you both. The adopted son turns 18 in less than 2 months. We weren't ordered to pay child support but we were doing it anyways. My attorney told me not to worry about it because by the time this thing is done he will age out. I think she is changing his name back to hers before the marriage but I think I want this as he obviously doesn't want a relationship with me and I don't want him trying to get anything of mine if I die. It's a shame because I just wanted to be a family.
She and her sister got into it a lot over the past few years over parenting issues with him, accusations he would make against his aunt (claimed she was driving with him drunk in her car), and I feel when he wanted attention, he would feign he was going to hurt himself. He never would and when we would try to get him to the hospital, he would quickly change his story to he is fine.
Like I said, I have journals and text in her own words to prove different on unstable marriage the whole time or domestic violence.
I don't want divorce but if mediation can solve things, I will agree. I obtained an attorney because of all the crazy story and feel she is going to try and pressure me into something I don't want to do. I have already caught her lying about finances (credit cards I didn't know existed). 
I feel she is cheating but I can't prove it and may never will. But why would she tell me these stories now and order these panties (claims they've been coming monthly)? She claims she needed the body spray and lingerie too. Yeah, to use them with someone is what I say. Why not just take the lingerie panties she already had with her? It's a sick game/joke she is playing and it hurts. Get me jealous, depressed (I've lost 20 pounds in basically 20 days)?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

she sounds like mentally damaged goods, AND likely was cheating on you. She THINKS you are abusive, and it is probably all her delusions telling her that.

I understand that marriage is something you have grown comfortable with, and do not want to disrupt the status quo. but what is best for YOU right now?

You no longer have the son.
She wanted the divorce, so already has detailed plans on your replacement.
YOU have plans for a law degree, which is going to take all of your time and finances to pull off!

time to get the heck out of Dodge. Sign the divorce papers. get a fair split of the finances, and never look back at that cheater.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

teutonic_metal said:


> She claims I am always yelling, breaking things, throwing things, etc. This is not completely true. I have lost my temper over hurtful things but never abuse. She had a traumatic childhood as a girl (dad chased her mom with a baseball bat).


It might not be completely true, but it breaks trust in a marriage. Maybe she is having an affair now, but to me it looks like she might have detached from you ages ago. Odd you didn't notice anything. Or you didn't want to notice. Sounds like your marriage is over. Sorry.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think she definetly is cheating on you. Women rarely will leave a man without a new one lined up. It's called monkey branching. Why else would she need sexy panties? She's obviously trying to impress the new boyfriend.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

teutonic_metal said:


> Greetings,
> I am a new member and have some support in my life but am just confused and looking for online support and to help others if possible. My wife of almost 10 years ago asked for a divorce about 20 days ago. It caught me completely off guard. I know a relationship is 50/50. I am not putting all the blame on her but asked her to do marital counseling which she refused. After 3 days of no contact, she agreed but said negative things about counseling like she "owes" it to the marriage, doesn't want to give guarantees or work on better communication, etc.
> 
> She moved out to her sister's and our adopted son who both hate me. We handed custody of him over to this sister several years ago because of his behavior problems (threatened to kill me in a journal, kill two other kids at school, possession of vapes/drug paraphernalia). The relationship with our son was never overall good with me but I tried very hard.
> ...


She sounds toxic and hateful, and I believe you should let go and move on.

Her saying all those bad things about you are typical of people who are cowards and are unwilling to take any responsibility for their own issues. This is NOT about YOU as much as it's ALL about HER.

She is revealing her true character...you need to be honest with yourself and see her as she truly is, and give her what she wants so you can concentrate on making your life the best it can be.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Unfortunately it does not matter that you do not want a divorce. She does. The default is always to the one who wants out. Sorry. 

This bombshell is new to you but she's been thinking about it for a while. While you may not have been abusive as you define the word, if your temper made her feel like she's walking on eggshells around you all the time, lest you explode, from her that was an intolerable situation. My first thought when reading that you & her gave custody of your adopted son to her sister & now she has moved in with them, makes me wonder if she resents you for giving up on your son. If there is even the slightest chance I'm right & that resentment festered, therein lies her motivation. 

Also you say you had strong urges to harm yourself but you are outraged that she sought to protect you by telling others you were threatening suicide. That is so unfair. What she did was an act of love, trying to help you when you were in a very dark place. She had no way of knowing that you wouldn't go through with it. Better safe than sorry. Don't be mad at her for that.

She may never tell you the whole truth about what went wrong. She may not be self aware enough to verbalize it. It doesn't matter. She has still checked out. All you can do is protect yourself & move forward, without her. Focus on law school. It's tough enough without additional distractions or financial burdens. 

Mediation is not about fixing the marriage. It's about amicably & cheaply sorting out who gets what so you can hammer out a property settlement agreement without motions & hourly attorney's fees. 

Good luck


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Thank you all for the post and positive thoughts. I know she will get her divorce and I don't want to be in this myself. I think I am just wrestling with it which is natural. I am trying to move forward day by day. I agree that things can trigger people and people have differences of opinions. That's why I said I am not blaming all her. I just don't like her painting me in a light to the therapist that I constantly abuse her which is not the case. She has done things to me before as well but I'm not keeping score here. 
About the calling the therapist, she already KNEW the weapons were out of the house and in a safe place. 2 days later is when she called my friend and the therapist and said I had ACCESS to them and was threatening myself. That is a total lie. She told me she did that to CYA, not she cares or loves me.
People are right though. It's a toxic relationship and it's not all her. We didn't handle our stuff in therapy and I acknowledge that. Someone said she probably resents me over our son leaving and I believe that but it was her and her family's plan. It just seemed like the best situation at the time.
Again, I appreciate the comments, reframing,and best wishes. I will get through this on the other side somehow. This has been helpful so far and I appreciate that!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

teutonic_metal said:


> Thank you all for the post and positive thoughts. I know she will get her divorce and I don't want to be in this myself. I think I am just wrestling with it which is natural. I am trying to move forward day by day. I agree that things can trigger people and people have differences of opinions. That's why I said I am not blaming all her. I just don't like her painting me in a light to the therapist that I constantly abuse her which is not the case. She has done things to me before as well but I'm not keeping score here.
> About the calling the therapist, she already KNEW the weapons were out of the house and in a safe place. 2 days later is when she called my friend and the therapist and said I had ACCESS to them and was threatening myself. That is a total lie. She told me she did that to CYA, not she cares or loves me.
> People are right though. It's a toxic relationship and it's not all her. We didn't handle our stuff in therapy and I acknowledge that. Someone said she probably resents me over our son leaving and I believe that but it was her and her family's plan. It just seemed like the best situation at the time.
> Again, I appreciate the comments, reframing,and best wishes. I will get through this on the other side somehow. This has been helpful so far and I appreciate that!


She has turned herself into your enemy. It is hard, but you can't let your love for her get in the way of protecting yourself. Get through this as quickly as you can without screwing yourself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. You’re currently in shock. The quicker you wake up and get strong the better off you’ll be. 
No one will keep you in limbo but yourself.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Sounds like she wants out and she wants it ugly.
You need to study up on the 180 and implement it.
Assess your attorney. If he/she is not aggressive enough to protect your interests, either you need to implore them to turn the aggressive up, or else you need to trade up to a shark.
She is the enemy. She wants nothing more then to do you dirt.
Realize it and realize it quick (like in the next five minutes.)
Any contact with her needs to be through your attorney.
If she makes any attempts to engage, document through audio/video means. 
The only thing that you say to her is "All contact is to be through my attorney."
I don't know much about the situation with your kid. However, at least for the short term, probably best to write him off.
She has showed her a**, both through her actions and how she handled herself in therapy.
You now know what she is truly capable of. Believe her.
Rid yourself of the toxicity and move on.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Agreed. I don't need to let my feelings of love screw me over. Here is the funny part, I don't have access to the phone master account anymore. She put me as a subordinate in the past some unknown time. I recently requested to have access to it and she never granted it to me even though she said she had nothing to hide. I can go on in my head about cheating and it wouldn't surprise me but I don't think it's going to do any good. I don't know if she physically cheated but believe she emotionally did with a guy she works with and talks about all the time. He was the only male on her whole female team she wouldn't complain about. They "worked" together a lot. I just want to move on with my life and work on law school. I'm sure I will see her on Facebook soon with another guy and that will be all I need to know.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

teutonic_metal said:


> Greetings,
> I am a new member and have some support in my life but am just confused and looking for online support and to help others if possible. My wife of almost 10 years ago asked for a divorce about 20 days ago. It caught me completely off guard. I know a relationship is 50/50. I am not putting all the blame on her but asked her to do marital counseling which she refused. After 3 days of no contact, she agreed but said negative things about counseling like she "owes" it to the marriage, doesn't want to give guarantees or work on better communication, etc.
> 
> She moved out to her sister's and our adopted son who both hate me. We handed custody of him over to this sister several years ago because of his behavior problems (threatened to kill me in a journal, kill two other kids at school, possession of vapes/drug paraphernalia). The relationship with our son was never overall good with me but I tried very hard.
> ...





teutonic_metal said:


> Greetings,
> I am a new member and have some support in my life but am just confused and looking for online support and to help others if possible. My wife of almost 10 years ago asked for a divorce about 20 days ago. It caught me completely off guard. I know a relationship is 50/50. I am not putting all the blame on her but asked her to do marital counseling which she refused. After 3 days of no contact, she agreed but said negative things about counseling like she "owes" it to the marriage, doesn't want to give guarantees or work on better communication, etc.
> 
> She moved out to her sister's and our adopted son who both hate me. We handed custody of him over to this sister several years ago because of his behavior problems (threatened to kill me in a journal, kill two other kids at school, possession of vapes/drug paraphernalia). The relationship with our son was never overall good with me but I tried very hard.
> ...


So you may not want a divorce, but honestly from reading your post, divorce may be the safest thing for you. Your wife and son sound toxic. It's really unfortunate but unless there is an affair, and there might be I think this is a consequence of your wife picking your son over you. The sad thing is if he is the way you say he will probably alienate everyone from her life.

However in the end this is not your issue anymore she is telling you as much. 

Stories like this, and I have read a lot of them are why I never adopted. 

Look man sometimes in life you lose the game even if you played your bast. Doesn't mean there isn't another game.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

teutonic_metal said:


> Thank you all for the post and positive thoughts. I know she will get her divorce and I don't want to be in this myself. I think I am just wrestling with it which is natural. I am trying to move forward day by day. I agree that things can trigger people and people have differences of opinions. That's why I said I am not blaming all her. I just don't like her painting me in a light to the therapist that I constantly abuse her which is not the case. She has done things to me before as well but I'm not keeping score here.
> About the calling the therapist, she already KNEW the weapons were out of the house and in a safe place. 2 days later is when she called my friend and the therapist and said I had ACCESS to them and was threatening myself. That is a total lie. She told me she did that to CYA, not she cares or loves me.
> People are right though. It's a toxic relationship and it's not all her. We didn't handle our stuff in therapy and I acknowledge that. Someone said she probably resents me over our son leaving and I believe that but it was her and her family's plan. It just seemed like the best situation at the time.
> Again, I appreciate the comments, reframing,and best wishes. I will get through this on the other side somehow. This has been helpful so far and I appreciate that!


Document all of this, I would even consider keeping a voice activated recorder on you. You never know what people may do when they are divorcing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

teutonic_metal said:


> Agreed. I don't need to let my feelings of love screw me over. Here is the funny part, I don't have access to the phone master account anymore. She put me as a subordinate in the past some unknown time. I recently requested to have access to it and she never granted it to me even though she said she had nothing to hide. I can go on in my head about cheating and it wouldn't surprise me but I don't think it's going to do any good. I don't know if she physically cheated but believe she emotionally did with a guy she works with and talks about all the time. He was the only male on her whole female team she wouldn't complain about. They "worked" together a lot. I just want to move on with my life and work on law school. I'm sure I will see her on Facebook soon with another guy and that will be all I need to know.


If she did sooner or later he will turn up. Given what you wrote about your son it's doubtful that this will be a long term situation for her. If she comes back after that fails don't fall for it. You don't want to be someones plan B.

This really sucks right now but you will recover. Honestly I think here are times that folks are in relationships that turn toxic and like the proverbial frog in the boiling water you just don't realize it until you escape. You may end up happier then you were.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

teutonic_metal said:


> Agreed. I don't need to let my feelings of love screw me over. Here is the funny part, I don't have access to the phone master account anymore. She put me as a subordinate in the past some unknown time. I recently requested to have access to it and she never granted it to me even though she said she had nothing to hide. I can go on in my head about cheating and it wouldn't surprise me but I don't think it's going to do any good. I don't know if she physically cheated but believe she emotionally did with a guy she works with and talks about all the time. He was the only male on her whole female team she wouldn't complain about. They "worked" together a lot. I just want to move on with my life and work on law school. I'm sure I will see her on Facebook soon with another guy and that will be all I need to know.


What are her actions showing you? Most in your situation will stay in denial for awhile. It’s a false comfort zone.
You are correct. Your best course of action is to drop the hopium pipe and move on. You can only control you. It won’t be easy but no contact is your new best friend.

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Thanks for more comments. I think that is what is going on with our son/her family. She chose them over me. Again, I don't want to say it's all her because it is a two way street but it helps talking to others and see just how I let her walk all over me in many situations (take over bills, forgive /forget real quick, allow her to push my buttons and just not confront her, etc.) I agree on people hiding stuff. I've already uncovered financial crap I knew nothing about. This is a decent website and has helped me some. Hope I can pass the favor onto someone else or others.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

A lot of marriage issues can be boiled down to the man becoming very beta over time.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Red flag alert: If your wife talks about a guy and work...she's into him.


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## LivedThroughIt (12 mo ago)

teutonic_metal said:


> Greetings,
> I am a new member and have some support in my life but am just confused and looking for online support and to help others if possible. My wife of almost 10 years ago asked for a divorce about 20 days ago. It caught me completely off guard. I know a relationship is 50/50. I am not putting all the blame on her but asked her to do marital counseling which she refused. After 3 days of no contact, she agreed but said negative things about counseling like she "owes" it to the marriage, doesn't want to give guarantees or work on better communication, etc.
> 
> She moved out to her sister's and our adopted son who both hate me. We handed custody of him over to this sister several years ago because of his behavior problems (threatened to kill me in a journal, kill two other kids at school, possession of vapes/drug paraphernalia). The relationship with our son was never overall good with me but I tried very hard.
> ...


You came to the right place. Even though everyone’s divorce experience is different, those of us who have gone through or are going through it can relate to a lot of each other’s story. For me as painful as the experience was, it eventually led me to be with someone I am more aligned with- and we now have 2 kids together. An incredible resource is Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and the Rebuilding seminars based on his works. Keep posting here. It can help.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

There's a lot of talk here about your wife's therapist. From your description of events, and mention of depression, along with a desire to stay married but knowing that you can never know (what she's been up to)... you may be desperately in need of therapy yourself. You've been through an awful lot and your ability to process things clearly is compromised. Your marriage is certainly over, but you've got the rest of your live ahead of you and what you've been through, how you process this time in your life, is going to affect things going forward.

Getting help is not a sign of failure. It's a sign of strength, of recognizing what you can't go on your own and getting help to get to a better place.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

Casual Observer said:


> There's a lot of talk here about your wife's therapist. From your description of events, and mention of depression, along with a desire to stay married but knowing that you can never know (what she's been up to)... you may be desperately in need of therapy yourself. You've been through an awful lot and your ability to process things clearly is compromised. Your marriage is certainly over, but you've got the rest of your live ahead of you and what you've been through, how you process this time in your life, is going to affect things going forward.
> 
> Getting help is not a sign of failure. It's a sign of strength, of recognizing what you can't go on your own and getting help to get to a better place.



It's not my wife's therapist. It was our marriage therapist. I am currently looking for a therapist. If I misrepresented that unapologize. I appreciate your advice though.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Why do you still want to be married to her? You feel she cheated, makes up lies about you, wants a divorce. 

Any one of those things should have you signing the papers.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

teutonic_metal said:


> It's not my wife's therapist. It was our marriage therapist. I am currently looking for a therapist. If I misrepresented that unapologize. I appreciate your advice though.


Good luck finding a decent therapist. A lot are notorious rugsweepers. They can cause even more damage long term. Therapists are not gods. If they aren’t working out find another.


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