# Alcohol, Infidelity (x3) and more....why am I still hanging on?



## roller coaster (Sep 28, 2011)

I will apologize now as this may be long. Hopefully I can condense this as much as possible and still give the "big picture".

My husband and I are pretty much high school sweethearts. I have known him since I was 14 years old. We had a short term relationship back in HS (6 months) during which time he messed around on me twice and we ended it. But I always carried a torch for him. Well we ended up starting to date after high school and I have been with him for 20 years (married for 13). We have two girls (11+7) who adore him immensely. He is a good father to them (most of the time). 

THE ALCOHOL
We have always been social drinkers generally getting together with friends over the weekend and drinking (sometimes to excess). My husband's parents were both alcoholics and both passed away about 10 years ago in their early 50's. About 7 years ago, my husband started going to the pub after work. Fast forward to today - he spends 3-4 afternoons in the pub after work and often comes home drunk, misses dinner, lies about where he is and never comes home when he says he will. He seems to be on a day on/day off basis - probably from guilt. Weekends become guilt free drinking because I am often having a few drinks myself (I never drink thru the week). 

In the past year, he will come home half-drunk and then start drinking wine or vodka and will often hide it from me. He also finds any excuse to find an opportunity to drink.

He has half admitted that he "might" have a problem with drinking and has also said he needs to go into rehab but never follows thru. 

He goes to work and is pretty much a "functional alcoholic". He has blamed me and said I am the reason he drinks. I am a nag and he cannot handle it. I am never happy. I am the reason his business failed a few years ago because I didn't help him enough (he has since got it going again).

He drinks and drives a lot now and there have even been a couple of episodes where he has had the kids in the car and he was clearly VERY DRUNK.

THE DEPRESSSION
He suffers from depression and takes anti-depressants (10 years). It intensified over the past year where he no longer takes any interest in what needs to be done around the house and I feel like everything is falling apart. He takes care of the absolute necessities like taking out the garbage and cutting the grass but that is about it. I pretty much take care of everything else.

I feel like he has checked out of everyday life and doesn't want to deal with anything. Everything other than going to work has become a "bother" to him and he thinks I put too much emphasis on keeping our home nice. He feels like he just wants to "LIVE" but I have told him that life has responsibilities - especially with two children who are busy with activities and school work.

He is cynical about everything - I always try to look on the bright side.

THE INFIDELITIES
My husband is a big flirt. He is a very attractive guy and super friendly to everyone - especially women. I have never in all the years suspected him of being unfaithful nor have we had any jealously towards each other in our relationship. Well about 3 years ago I discovered on his bank statements a weird posting - I looked into it a little further and discovered that was a massage parlour. I confronted him about it and he confessed that he went (first he said only once and then he said "maybe" a couple of times). He said he didn't know why he did it and was embarrassed and very sorry. He did seem very remorseful and I wanted to believe him. Of course - I love him.

Its no secret that our marriage is mess right now. We both know it and have talked about separation/divorce a couple of times. In combination with the drinking and depression which have been insane for the past year - I have been angry, bitter and so alone. 

I noticed this summer that he was spending a lot of time on his cell phone texting (which he was carrying around with him all the time and not leaving it around), a lot of time on the computer and generally very withdrawn (all the signs!!) and I felt like I had to look at his cell phone (something I had never done before). Well you know where this is going. I discovered a message saying that "the wife was still here, sorry I didn't get into see you I was working late, will try to come in tomorrow AMANDA".

I thought I was going to puke. I started shaking. He got out of the shower and immediately confronted him. I said "Who is Amanda" and of course he said "Who...I don't know" and said there is a message on your phone. Well then said that she was a waitress/bartender (at one of the other pubs he drinks), said there was nothing going on, that he sometimes talked to her about our marriage problems and that she was getting married. He swore up and down that he didn't have anything for her. That she had his number because he was going to do some work for a friend of hers. He also said he was friends with her on FB. I asked him to promise me out of respect for our marriage that he stop any communication with her and never go to that pub again.

Of course, there was already trust issues in our marriage due to the massage parlour thing as well as other issues with lying which mostly pertains to the drinking.

So we started marriage counselling (which was useless mainly because of a bad therapist). We also did marriage counselling earlier this year but he didn't like her.

I looked at her FB profile by going onto his FB and SHE IS NOT GETTING MARRIED - was no longer in a "relationship" months ago. 

I discovered that he had been to "that" pub again after seeing it on his bank statement. During marriage counselling, I asked him if he had been there and he said NO. 

Then I was driving by a few weeks later and saw his car there. I texted him and said "hope shes worth it". It was a big blow up and he continued to say that it was my problem and that I would never trust him - that nothing was going on.

A month later, he went to bed drunk one night and he left his email open. I found 3 emails with a girl who he used had a fling with. She is in another country and the messages talked about him coming to see her in December. So this time I decided to "keep watch" and see where this was headed. Of course, there was clearly no PA going on but definitely an EA. This was all through FB and he always deleted his messages so I never saw what he wrote but continued to monitor his email as every time she posted a message he would get a copy in his email box.

I watched several messages and then when we had the big blow out about the "other girl he was texting" - he must have sent her a message saying to "lay low" because she wrote back saying "sorry to hear you are having problems, hope I haven't contributed to it", then another message from her "trying so hard not to message you" - then I see her posting on her wall (so not a direct message to him but obviously so he can see it) - "reminiscing", then another "trying so hard....", then another "can't wait for December XXX".

It stopped for a few weeks but started up again. The one that killed me the most was a message from her to him just saying "PS I miss you too XXX". Obviously he must have said he missed her for her to post that message back.

Then he got a new phone which now allowed him to do all his facebooking in "real time" and I finally decided I needed to confront him.

I have to add that I also caught him a few nights on FB and I could see the computer screen (he didn't know that I could see him) looking at the bartenders profile which he "unfriended" on FB - why would he be looking at her profile - just to see her picture!!!!!!!! She is also 10 years younger than us, no kids and her FB profile is a picture of her in her bikini.

When I confronted him about the FB girl, he didn't seem very sorry but was angry that I had violated his privacy. He then said he knows it was wrong and was embarrassed. But I never got a sense of remorse from him and not a sorry. He just said "nothings going on" and that he wasn't going to see her in december....just playing with her.

TAKING CARE OF ME
I finally decided to start going to Al Anon which is helping. I have started to see my own therapist which he knows nothing about right now. It was something she said to me during yesterday's session that really hit home. She said that clearly he needs to stop drinking in order for our marriage issues to improve. Of course, I know thru Al Anon and she also reiterated that I cannot control this and only he can seek the help he needs.

So she said to me - I am really concerned for you. It seems like you are in your own denial and not dealing with your emotions. Your husband has clearly been "unfaithful" to you physically and emotionally - yet you are hanging on. Most women, would come in here raging and very emotional. I told her that I guess I want to believe him (especially about the bartender girl) and that I truly do love him. She also questioned the fact that since he is a "big flirt" perhaps there has been more infidelity that I have no clue about.

Just to add to this: our sex life has always been good. We have had ups + downs over the years but it has always been passionate and very fulfilling from both sides. I am an attractive women who is not overweight. Most of our friends have said to my husband "you are a lucky man...you married the most popular girl and the best looking girl from high school".

I also need to add that I have always communicated to him how I am feeling. He is not a very good communicator. I have expressed to him what some of my needs are in this relationship (simple things like flowers and romantic gestures) - as shallow as that may seem, I think a woman needs to feel loved and shown it every once in a while. He would rather spend time with his drinking buddies than do anything for me, with me or our family.

WOW....sorry for the long post. Of course there is SO MUCH more I could add to this but need to end this somewhere.

I guess I am looking for opinions, insight. I must be crazy for staying in this relationship but it is so hard to imagine my life without him, imagine him with another woman. This would devastate my kids of course if we split. I also think I am staying for fear of the financial burden it is going to put on me.

Are there any men out there who think that I am the fool?

I couldn't sleep all night - this morning he said "what's wrong" and I didn't want to get into it with him but I finally said 

"I AM NOT GOING TO CONTINUE ON THIS ROLLER COASTER RIDE. I don't want to be your door mat anymore. I think I might jump off this merry-go-round...actually I am choosing to jump off."

I think I am finally ready to get happy and move on with my life.


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## Outshined (Sep 28, 2011)

I've learned that there are things that happen that cause irreparable damage in a relationship. You certainly aren't the fool, and this is coming from a guy. I think it's all pretty basic. We all want to be loved and respected. Cheating damages both of those aspects. We all make mistakes and sometimes a series of events and circumstances can lead a generally good person down the road to infidelity.

My brother is an addict, and my aunt was too. If he has a drinking problem you have to assume it is a struggle he (and you) will face the rest of your lives together. Drinking opens up the possibility for other damaging things too, such as infidelity. Relationships are difficult enough and when you add in alcoholism, prior infidelities, etc., you have a long road ahead.

Each person is different though. Some people can love someone so much that suffering alongside their spouse would hurt less than not being with them. However, it's clear your husband has some major issues.

If he's unwilling to admit to his problems and his mistakes, then it will be impossible to even take the next step...which would be counseling and working towards resolving problems. He has to want to do it though, otherwise no matter what you try and do will be a waste of time unfortunately.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Time to end it. Hes a mess. You have a life to live. You deserve to be happy.


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

Oh my gosh, I don't even know what to say. My gut reaction is that you should take your kids and RUN not walk away from this situation. He is a complete mess and he is making you live with it. I almost stopped reading at driving drunk with kids in the car. How many things are wrong with that?

Your post is articulate and well organized and you sound like a reasonable, patient and confident woman. Those are all good things. I don't think you need to put up with the grief you are being put through. Should you choose to move on, you'll be fine. From this guys perspective, you are not a fool in any way, shape or form. You are asking to be treated like a human being and not much more than that. His behavior seems selfish, irresponsible and the drinking part sounds dangerous. You bear no responsibility for continuing to put up with that.

Honestly, if for some reason you really want to hang on to this marriage your only choice is to decide what your boundaries are, clearly articulate them and be prepared to act if they are crossed. 

Being "prepared to act" is the tricky part. It implies that you are willing to walk away from the relationship. If you aren't willing to do that (attempting to read "between the lines" of your post indicates to me that you may not be), don't even bother with boundaries because the consequences for crossing them are clearly meaningless. I'm sure you have expressed some disappointment (I'm being kind) with his behavior in the past yet it persists. It seems to me that the only recourse at this point is to walk away.

I'm thinking from the outside looking in, your family appears to be the iconic All-American family. Walking away from your marriage would destroy your world as you know it and the weight of that decision is in no way lost on me. It is a HUGE decision. From my perspective, his behavior is truly dangerous and a disaster is anything but far-fetched. Best wishes.


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## Struggle Within (Mar 1, 2011)

Rollor Coaster, very sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am a guy who has pretty much experienced what you are going through with my soon ex-wife. Like almost exactly. My wife started struggling with alcohol, she became depressed over her weight and she finally ended up cheating on me. It was exactly how you said you noticed the red flags; the constant texting on the phone, the chatting on the internet and then trying to hide it all. I couldn't stand it and finally broke into all her emails to find the truth.

But I tried to hang on for months myself and stay in the game. Why? Because you can't turn off your love for someone like a light switch. Even after so much pain, it's hard to walk away. Let alone the fact that you have children together.

But there has gotta be a point where enough is enough and like said above, you have to be happy in life. I've learned that nobody can make you happy in life but yourself. I know it hurts to know the future path you need to take but you need to get out. Because I'll tell you what, I'm 5 months living separate from my wife and while there have been tough days, it is really, REALLY nice to not have to deal with the drinking and her phone beeping every 5 minutes and the doubt about what your spouse is doing. It's just not worth it!!!!


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