# Evidence of Affair, need advice



## throwaway9255 (Mar 13, 2017)

Crossposting this from the surviving infidelity subreddit for further perspective. Long story short, I've found evidence that my wife is having an affair. I've had a gut feeling for a while that something wasn't right, and there have been a few red flags that I've picked up on. This weekend, I found evidence that she's considered or has already engaged in an affair. There's no incontrovertible proof but I doubt I'm going to find any given the situation.

Backstory - We're both 30, married for 5 years, together for 7. Starting in February/March of last year we both got distant from one another. Both of us work in demanding careers with long hours and work was busy for both of us. I started to withdraw into myself due to the lack of physical intimacy from her (it was already a borderline dead bedroom situation at this point) and stopped meeting her emotional needs. I'm not entirely blameless here and I accept that. 2016 was a pretty **** year for our relationship.
In Late December we had a come to Jesus talk - she was considering divorce due to her needs not being met, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," etc. and I agreed I would work on fixing myself as a precursor to working the relationship. Starting getting **** done around the house, going out of my way to meet her needs, hitting the gym, visiting a counselor. She acknowledged all these changes as very positive and was very proud of me for making them. My life has done a complete 180 but she is still dragging her feet on being active in the marriage. 

This weekend, I snooped and found some things that are pretty hard to deal with. Based on browsing history, in March of last year she began looking for apps that would allow someone to message in secret. A few months after that, she began browsing pages on sexting (many many articles for this). I have never been the recipient of a sext from her. I also found evidence of searches for apps and ways to hide photos on an iPhone. All of these searches usually coincided with google or facebook searches for a particular guy. Several articles for spicing up the bedroom, sex moves, sexual health at a time we weren't having intercourse. Also there are searches for articles on ****** ******* and other affair-related articles. In addition, this guy is married with two children. Found multiple searches for their school and school hours (?). In addition, found evidence that she was out a restaurant when she specifically had texted and said she was stuck at work and would be home late.

I don't think I'm ever gonna find definitive proof as I suspect that all communication is happening over apps that don't leave a paper trail. I suspect it probably began in March last year as a way for her to seek emotional fulfillment she wasn't getting from me and blossomed into a full blown emotional affair and probably physical affair as well.

I had already previously brought up my concerns regarding this guy in late January after I found a bunch of facebook searches for him (searching like 2-3 times a week for 6 months). She said it was just a crush (yeah, right). She got really angry with me violating her privacy, deleted all her browser history and facebook history, changed the password on her phone, stopped wearing her wedding rings for a couple days, and then came back and said she wanted to work on our relationship and felt hopeful for our future. Things had been better until this past weekend where she seems checked out again with regards to the marriage. I checked her browsing habits and she has been looking this guy up on facebook again every day for the last 4 days. Last thing before she went to bed last night and first thing after waking up today.

tl;dr - We have our first couples counseling session in a week. I don't know if I can sit on this info until then. I really thought we could give things a shot again and it would work out but it seems like she is more than happy having her needs met elsewhere. I don't know that trust could ever be rebuilt. I'm willing to wait until counseling but another part of me just wants to have this over and done with. The problem is that I have a super busy work week, and a business trip this upcoming weekend for four days and I just don't have time to deal with the fallout of a divorce this week. Need advice, support, hugs, criticism, whatever you want to throw my way.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Which would you find more stressful:

A. Knowing your marriage is over and you are enroute to divorce?

B. You kept your mouth closed and she is busy making plans for a rendezvous with her boyfriend?


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

All I can say is get a friend to drive by the house a few times a day while you're away

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

This is a very tough situation to be in and I feel for you. What are your goals with her? Do you want to try to save the marriage or are you at the point that you are ready to end it? Or do you just want to get proof so you can make a more informed decision on what you want to do?


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## throwaway9255 (Mar 13, 2017)

Bananapeel,

I'm honestly not sure what my goals are. I go back and forth. I don't feel like this marriage can be saved because she's clearly still interested in him despite the progress we've made in the last few months. I would say I'd like more evidence to make the best informed decision possible.

*editing to add I've read the Standard Evidence Post and plan to use an iPhone backup recovery program on her phone the next time I have access to it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

throwaway9255 said:


> I don't feel like this marriage can be saved because she's clearly still interested in him despite the progress we've made in the last few months.


The first part of the sentence is very enlightened of you.
The second part of the sentence is very naive of you (if you'll pardon me saying so).

She is clearly leading you to *think* there has been progress, but in reality, there can be no progress as long as she is still in contact with her affair partner. It is quite simply, a rouse to placate you and lead you down one path while she continues with the OM. That is not real remorse, that is fake reconciliation.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

some things to remember

1. lots of marriages get too busy and spouses get stuck in the rat race and the marriage suffers as a result.
and they don't end up cheating. they stop and say "whoa, our marriage is suffering, we need to slow down and work to live, not live to work".

2. this tells me she was looking for love all in the wrong places.

3. trust your gut........yes she is cheating. and it's all on her, not your busy lives.

4. understand the lesson here for future marriage or serious relationships.........do not become workaholics at the expense of marriage.
the big house, the career aspirations and the dreams of early retirement are fine, but not at the expense of relationships.
good solid relationships and a great marriage are worth far more than gold or company awards and promotions

5. in spite of all the above, your wife was probably going to be a casualty even if you had not ignored the marriage.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Lot of red flags for sure.

To me, this is a situation where it's likely that she's cheating; thus you have a very good chance of catching her - if you do full scale monitoring. If you come up with evidence that she can't dispute, you can put yourself in a much better position strategically and your choices will be clearer. You can feel confident in your reasons if you decide to D, or you'll know what you're trying to forgive if you consider R.

Make yourself an expert on discreetly monitoring her. You have several options. Reviewing her cell phone records, spyware on her phone, key logger on her computer, VAR in her car, GPS tracking, recovering her text messages, PI. You can get plenty of help here.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Depends on which evidence you want, and here's what I mean:

If you're looking for evidence that you can use to prove infidelity in court, you might have enough already, though you'd probably have to make the case that you found her browser history and whatever other evidence that you have on a computer or other device that you own or share with her. If you want more evidence of this type, you may have to hire a PI or catch her with someone else (and, ideally, take pictures) yourself.

If, however, all you want is proof that you can use to prove to yourself that you're not crazy and/or confront her, a VAR and/or GPS in her car (along with tracking her phone via the "Find My iPhone" and whatever apps you're looking to use for data recovery) should do the trick.

Also, if she backs up her phone via iTunes using a computer that you're able to access, you can run recover against the backup. Similarly, if she backs up her phone to iCloud AND you have the email address and password associated with her iCloud account, you can run recovery against the iCloud backups. Also note that doing either of these (or running recovery against the iPhone itself) could trigger an alert sent to her via email, so you'll want to be ready to intercept that.

If you have an iPhone yourself (which would be ideal), test any apps or methods against your own phone/account FIRST.

By the way, NEVER give up your sources to her (or anyone else that isn't your lawyer) unless it's something that you're disclosing to prove infidelity from a legal perspective. And even then, don't reveal how you know what you know until you absolutely have to.

Once you have what you need, be sure to expose the affair to OM's wife.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yep. Doesn't sound good. Fwiw if my w was searching for another guy and removed her wedding ring I'd be done. And even though I have 30+ years with her - no infidelity.

The thing is - I trust her. I trust her to not cheat... but with those acts of disrespect I'd trust what she is saying - "I've moved on". Don't even start on the ILYBINILWY comment. That's definitive proof IMO

If it's advantages in court for more proof I'd pull out all stops with a PI or two. Otherwise it'd be D papers.

IF she came crawling back, sobbing, etc I MIGHT listen to her but your W did the opposite.

So are you going to believe what she's telling you, or not?

(BTW I rarely jump straight to D in my comments but you've presented a solid case IMO and frankly it sounds like you've made your decision)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

This does not look good. You have already voiced concerns, and it appears they have fallen on deaf ears. I hate to see the D option as the first option, however, in several of my clients' cases, the shock of the divorce and evidence piling up does cause a turn in the relationship. Whether it spurs her to end the A (if there is one-EA or PA), and commit to the marriage or it spurs her on to end the marriage, at least there will be an answer FWIW.

One hopes that you will get your answer.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Since you are short on time as you say, hire a PI to follow her while you are gone. At your work print off the divorce papers needed to file and fill out some sections. At your MC meeting hand her the papers and tell her she is obsessed with OM and she should go to be with him. Also have a friend contact the OM's wife while you are at therapy. Tell your wife that OM's wife is being filled in now about the affair. Then walk out, go home and begin moving her things to a spare room. 

When your wife gets home tell her she has been moved to the guest room, and she has until midnight to never contact or search for OM again. Tell her if she can do this you won't list OM and adultery as reasons for your divorce. This could shock her into admission, but in order to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it. Then implement the 180. Good luck.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

She is having an affair or had an affair. Either way she is thinking fondly or the OM. You have enough to divorce now but you may want more evidence to strengthen your resolve and explain yourself to friends and family. What you have is solid but she may call you crazy. Then you will spend time debating with her about how much circumstantial evidence is enough. Plus she will be more careful if you confront with what you have now. You need better evidence to avoid all that.

The post by Gus is great. The only thing I could add is to have her methods of communication monitored BEFORE you confront. That way you can know what she tells her friends or OM about your concerns. 

As Gus said never give up your sources. Think of them as your spies. Don’t rat them out because once you do they’re gone. If you find out something that you can only know because of a VAR then you can’t show that you know it unless you come up with another way you found out. Like someone saw them. Don’t give up the VAR. Never tell anyone about the VAR. I will disagree with Gus a little here. Telling your lawyer depends on the state. Some will have a legal duty to tell you not to but then they know. I would only tell your lawyer if you could use it in court. 

Also do what I call a “soft confront.” Do not present all your evidence. People make the mistake of spilling their guts because it feels good to get it all out. Your wife knows what she did. All you are doing is telling her all you know so she can make up a story that fits. Leave some evidence out. For example if you find two hotel receipts then tell her that you found one. Then you can see how truthful she is. 

HERE IS A GOOD LINK:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Sounds like you need more evidence. I agree with the previous post about getting a VAR and PI so you can get enough evidence to expose. All you have now are internet searches that confirm what your gut was telling you- something is off. BUT it could be a one-sided crush, in which case, you can turn it around if you want to remain married. But only if she isn't in an affair, which would require a different approach. 

She might just be fantasizing about having an affair with this guy and he has no clue. Or it could be an EA/PA.

If she's fantasizing and wishing for something else, it could be because your marriage needs help and there are ways to fall back in love. But you need to know what you're dealing with first.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'd find a way to secretly contact OM's wife and compare notes. 

You definitely need to put a couple VARs around her, mainly in the car and the bedroom.

You'll find your smoking gun soon. You have a sexless marriage at the young age of 30. Eventually someone will get their needs met. She's now just starting the prime of her sexual years. You're the one who should be benefiting.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sounds like you could use the services of a good PI. May be expensive, but at least you will get the proof you need to end this.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with some that you need more evidence. If it confirms your suspicions of an actual affair, you can move forward knowing that you're making decisions based on facts. If it shows that she is only crushing, then you marriage _might_ be salvageable. If you want any chance at finding the truth, you have to hold your emotions at bay, play clueless husband, and implement a few surveillance tactics. Do your best to be patient!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There's nothing wrong with not rushing to make a decision until you have the facts gathered. In addition to the iPhone recovery program (use the paid programs not the free ones) you can go to her text messages and click the circled "i" in the upper right hand corner. Scroll down and that will show pictures that were recently received even if they were individually deleted from the conversation (unless she's deleted the whole conversation). Good luck. I hope you find what you need to proceed and make an informed decision.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Gus has nailed it. VAR and phone.

This one smells like RDMU without the 50 Shades crap. DONT do any early confronts and for heavens sake SHUT UP to her about any suspicions. If she asks why you are acting odd... you have a stomach bug.

She may have coaching.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

throwaway9255 said:


> I would say I'd like more evidence to make the best informed decision possible.


Would it make THAT big a difference to you if she was telling a guy she wanted to suck him off versus actually doing it? It shouldn't.

Either way, A) she's cheating on you and B) she's remorseless (as evidenced by the fact she clearly has no intention of confessing.)

Which brings you to only ONE legitimate option in this situation. Slap her with DIVORCE papers ASAP. Salvage your dignity bro.

Maybe this will make her snap out of it and do WHATEVER it takes to win you back but frankly I wouldn't count on it. She's a ho, move on.

Any other move is compromising your self respect and becoming an enabler and a doormat. I hope you're not "one of those guys".


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

MC and talking is a waste of time and money when both parties to the marriage are not on board with trying to salvage the relationship and she clearly is not into that. She is chasing the unicorns and rainbows that come with the excitement and secrecy of an affair. She has left the marriage and is not interested in coming back.

YOU think you have made progress the last few months, but she hasn't. She is not even trying.

Let her go. Let her chase what she thinks she needs. Accept the fact that she is not the wife you thought you had. That wife is now gone for good and the person you are living with is a lying, sneaky, self-centered biotch who cares nothing for you nor your feelings.


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## throwaway9255 (Mar 13, 2017)

weightlifter, can you explain what you mean about her having coaching? Like the OM is talking her through the steps to hiding her activity?

Also, I keep seeing references to RDMU on here, what was the deal with that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

throwaway9255 said:


> weightlifter, can you explain what you mean about her having coaching? Like the OM is talking her through the steps to hiding her activity?


Yes.



throwaway9255 said:


> Also, I keep seeing references to RDMU on here, what was the deal with that?


He was another poster a while back. His wife was BDSM-style cheating with some dude named Bob (often referred to as "Boob"). Dude drew out his discovery phase waaaaay longer than needed and, in the end, opted to reconcile instead of divorce, which was kind of weird considering he lived in NC (which would've likely meant no alimony due to adultery).

Dude also wound up copying OM's moves in bed to get his wife off, which made it all the weirder.

And lamer.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> in the end, opted to reconcile instead of divorce, which was kind of weird considering he lived in NC (which would've likely meant no alimony due to adultery).


If he would have had to pay alimony, that would have been a legitimate reason to reconcile?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

browser said:


> If he would have had to pay alimony, that would have been a legitimate reason to reconcile?


Perhaps to some.

Not to me.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Me neither. There's some things money can't buy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

browser said:


> Me neither. There's some things money can't buy.


It's like getting a Walmart sheet cake for your birthday vs getting the most awesome cake ever made for your birthday --

Either way you're getting cake, but the latter is soooo much better.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> It's like getting a Walmart sheet cake for your birthday vs getting the most awesome cake ever made for your birthday --
> 
> Either way you're getting cake, but the latter is soooo much better.


Gus please don't talk about cake. There's a snowstorm here and I'm off of work and there's nothing to do but surf the web, post on TAM.. and eat.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

browser said:


> Gus please don't talk about cake. There's a snowstorm here and I'm off of work and there's nothing to do but surf the web, post on TAM.. and eat.


Pie?

Wings and beer?

Chicken and waffles?

You could always pig out and then go shovel snow to burn it off.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> MC and talking is a waste of time and money


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

She's lying to the MC - so what's the point??? Stop going and see a lawyer ASAP.

If you REALLY think you need more evidence then hire the PI and/or use the VAR.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You do need more definitive evidence. Although you do have evidence, even her word, she's not into you. You also have evidence she is stalking at least one guy. The hook up site she was checking out for married people is weird also. You should investigate it to see if she is a member........yet.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

throwaway9255 said:


> Crossposting this from the surviving infidelity subreddit for further perspective. Long story short, I've found evidence that my wife is having an affair. I've had a gut feeling for a while that something wasn't right, and there have been a few red flags that I've picked up on. This weekend, I found evidence that she's considered or has already engaged in an affair. There's no incontrovertible proof but I doubt I'm going to find any given the situation.
> 
> Backstory - We're both 30, married for 5 years, together for 7. Starting in February/March of last year we both got distant from one another. Both of us work in demanding careers with long hours and work was busy for both of us. I started to withdraw into myself due to the lack of physical intimacy from her (it was already a borderline dead bedroom situation at this point) and stopped meeting her emotional needs. I'm not entirely blameless here and I accept that. 2016 was a pretty **** year for our relationship.
> In Late December we had a come to Jesus talk - she was considering divorce due to her needs not being met, "I love you but I'm not in love with you," etc. and I agreed I would work on fixing myself as a precursor to working the relationship. Starting getting **** done around the house, going out of my way to meet her needs, hitting the gym, visiting a counselor. She acknowledged all these changes as very positive and was very proud of me for making them. My life has done a complete 180 but she is still dragging her feet on being active in the marriage.
> ...



This sounds very similar to how all of my problems started. Currently, I found at text on my wife's phone from another man that was very forward let's call it. Her response to that text wasn't as forward, a little suggestive that she liked the idea but not enough to really jump to the conclusion of a physical affair. I did confront her and the other man about what I saw and they both swear nothing has ever happened. I've been watching things very closely for the past month, I have also jumped to conclusions about some other things that turned out to be nothing which caused her to withdraw even more. Currently I'm just paying very close attention to things and collecting whatever evidence I find.

One thing that has been working to bring her out of her withdrawal some is that I have pulled a 180. I have been slowly disconnecting myself from her, not our relationship or our family, but from her. I have no non essential conversation with her, if she speaks to me I engage but I don't elaborate, just answer what she's saying and that's it. I've been going out with friends more and doing more things that I want to do. Sometimes, if things have been going well, I will extend an invitation, but I do that more of as a way just to be courteous. I'm essentially living my life and not worrying about trying to fix our relationship anymore. I found that me trying to fix things only pushed her further away, look up the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", it put a lot of things in perspective for me.

The other thing is I haven't let my guard down and I am keeping a close eye on her. She too was communicating with the other man though a messaging app, WhatsApp, so it is almost impossible to track the activity without access to the phone. What I have found though is this, she has a Pixel phone, the easiest way for users to access it is by simply swiping it open with their registered fingerprint. I know the newer iphones have a similar fingerprint scanner. If the phone reads the registered users fingerprint then it opens right up. What I do from time to time is once I know she's asleep, the best time is after she's had a few drinks before bed, but I take the phone, gently hold her finger out, and swipe the screen open. You need to very careful though, try and pick a time to do it that not only you know she's deep asleep, but at a time when her hand position is easily accessible. If you really need to manipulate her hand or finger too much you risk waking her and causing world war 3, lol. But I have looked through my wife's phone now on several occasions and I have seen that she's not talking to the other man and I'm seen conversations with friends that have also led me to believe more and more that the text was nothing more then just a text.

I also have VAR's hidden in places of the house that she talks on the phone the most. As nothing has turned up on any of the recordings, those recording can be helpful in other ways too. Some phones also have voice recognition software that can open unlock the phone. With the Pixel phone, simply hitting the microphone on the unlock screen and the phone hearing the "trusted voice" of the owner saying "ok google" will unlock the phone. I'm not sure if that works on the iphone but it might.

The biggest thing though, no matter what evidence you find, take pictures of it with your own phone, but DO NOT confront or even let on that you know anything until you have rock solid proof, and multiple pieces of evidence from multiple times and dates, before you confront her. And even then, do not show her the actual proof, just tell her that you know and be specific about things, but never reveal your actual sources. If she doesn't believe you or denies any of what you know for sure, tell her that it's time to get attorneys involved and let the courts decide.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> She's lying to the MC - so what's the point??? Stop going and see a lawyer ASAP.
> 
> If you REALLY think you need more evidence then hire the PI and/or use the VAR.


I don't understand the point of "collecting more evidence" either. 

From first hand experience, you become obsessed with it and it the end 99/100 it just confirms what was literally IN YOUR FACE the entire time. Expect now you get the added bonus of mind movies.. yippee!

Look if you "need" evidence your spouse is a cheat, then the TRUST is gone in your relationship and without TRUST you're relationship if OVER anyway. You should just file and be done with it. Don't be like this guy.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> What I have found though is this, she has a Pixel phone, the easiest way for users to access it is by simply swiping it open with their registered fingerprint. I know the newer iphones have a similar fingerprint scanner. If the phone reads the registered users fingerprint then it opens right up. What I do from time to time is once I know she's asleep, the best time is after she's had a few drinks before bed, but I take the phone, gently hold her finger out, and swipe the screen open.


OMG now that is ballsy!

On one hand I admire your tenacity on the other hand if your marriage has gotten to the point that you need to swipe her sleeping finger across her locked phone to read suggestive text messages between her and another man you might as well take her sleeping hand, put a pen in it and sign the divorce papers with it.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

browser said:


> OMG now that is ballsy!
> 
> On one hand I admire your tenacity on the other hand if your marriage has gotten to the point that you need to swipe her sleeping finger across her locked phone to read suggestive text messages between her and another man you might as well take her sleeping hand, put a pen in it and sign the divorce papers with it.


No, no ,no....I haven't found any other suggestive messages. When I found the one message, she had fallen asleep with her hand on the screen so it never shut off. I was moving the phone to the night table and looked at the screen and saw a text asking how I had been "being". I thought it was odd that she was talking to this guy about our problems so I scrolled though and saw the message. Since then I have done the sleeping finger swipe move just to confirm that she is no longer speaking to him as she had told me.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

AtMyEnd said:


> No, no ,no....I haven't found any other suggestive messages. When I found the one message, she had fallen asleep with her hand on the screen so it never shut off. I was moving the phone to the night table and looked at the screen and saw a text asking how I had been "being". I thought it was odd that she was talking to this guy about our problems so I scrolled though and saw the message. Since then I have done the sleeping finger swipe move just to confirm that she is no longer speaking to him as she had told me.




And you've never found anything? If that's the case you might be starting to sound like a controlling psycho though I'm assuming there was actual evidence at one point?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> And you've never found anything? If that's the case you might be starting to sound like a controlling psycho though I'm assuming there was actual evidence at one point?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, there was. There was a text sent from the OM first telling her things he wanted to do to her, followed by a goodnight message telling her to dream about all the things he would be doing to her in her dreams. She did respond to those texts but by vaguely saying she had good dreams. I confronted her and him about it and both told me that they had flirted before but nothing had ever happened and there were never any other texts like that one. She told me that she stopped talking to him and I have been periodically accessing her phone to make sure that was true and there were no more messages. What I'm thinking now is that I know she talked to the OM about our relationship, they both admitted to flirting from time to time, and what I think is that because of the flirting and knowing she wasn't happy in her marriage, that that message I saw was him trying to make a move on her and that I was lucky enough to catch it in time before it possibly did turn into an affair. I haven't let my guard down and things still aren't great but I am somewhat relieved.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If it looks like cheating, smells like cheating and tastes like cheating, there is a very good chance that it is cheating. I found out the easy way when I tasted semen while performing oral sex. Funny part was that I had tasted it several times before but could not tell what it was. I should have asked her the first time, but I think we all do not want to believe what our gut tells us is true.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@AtMyEnd, assuming that your wife _is_ up to no good, your 180 will likely prompt her to take things even further underground.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> I'm thinking now is that I know she talked to the OM about our relationship, they both admitted to flirting from time to time, and what I think is that because of the flirting and knowing she wasn't happy in her marriage, that that message I saw was him trying to make a move on her and that I was lucky enough to catch it in time before it possibly did turn into an affair. I haven't let my guard down and things still aren't great but I am somewhat relieved.


That's a reasonable way to approach and handle it. 

Don't let the "She's having an affair why can't you see this!" mongers on TAM convince you otherwise.

I still think you need a backup plan for when she awakens while you're trying to unlock her phone with her finger. Buy a ring at a garage sale that looks pretty. Have it nearby just in case. When she wakes up and pulls her hand away and says "WTF are you doing" say "you caught me trying to size this ring I bought you as a surprise".


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Damn I wrote a whole esey and got loged out. 

Sorry for saying this but your wife is in Emotional Affair. I belive it went full PA because of the length. If I remember corectlly it goes from March last year? That is long. Noone stays in EA for that long without sex. 

What makes me angry is her reaction. She never told you the truth about OM,she continue to have Affair while you tried your best,changed yourself,put her in the first place...

MC is pointless right now. Having a third party in your Marriage is not going to work,especially not knowing the truth. You are vasting your money. 

Another thing- never tell her about your information or your next step. Maybe you can find more. 

What ever you decide make sure to tell other woman. She deserves to know. She is in the same situation like you. 

Stay strong my friend.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

No kid! Why haven't you filled?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

@AtMyEnd

Why don't you have her PIN to unlock the phone? Or better yet, register one of your finger prints. You should have full access to each other phones.


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## throwaway9255 (Mar 13, 2017)

Well. iPhone was a no go. First attempt failed as my computer wasn't trusted. Second attempt on her computer was likewise unsuccessful as the iPhone backups are encrypted and it doesn't automatically sync with iTunes. No idea what the unlock code on her phone is now nor the encryption password.

I definitely wonder if there's something to the coaching comment as there's a level of tech saviness that's new for her.

I have my work obligations done for the week. Leaving for a conference Friday AM. Debating whether to confront now or leave a couple VAR's around and confront in front of a counselor on Tuesday. 

I think waiting for the counselor would be helpful just because it would help me having a third party present to prevent or minimize any gaslighting or blame shifting and I can walk out of there feeling like I'm not crazy or making this all up.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VAR in her car, VAR in the bedroom, and perhaps another wherever it is in the house that she tends to talk on the phone.

Use lithium batteries and Sony VARs.

See @weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread for configuration tips.

Use plenty of Velcro.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

throwaway9255 said:


> Well. iPhone was a no go. First attempt failed as my computer wasn't trusted. Second attempt on her computer was likewise unsuccessful as the iPhone backups are encrypted and it doesn't automatically sync with iTunes. No idea what the unlock code on her phone is now nor the encryption password.
> 
> I definitely wonder if there's something to the coaching comment as there's a level of tech saviness that's new for her.
> 
> ...



I would definitely at a minimum leave a couple VAR's around the house and find a trusted friend who knows what's going on to pass by the house from time to time while you're gone. But seriously, I have made this mistake myself, do not confront her about anything or even let on that you know anything until you have rock solid proof of an affair in your hands. And never show her the proof or tell her how you know what you know, not even in front of the counselor.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You are going away, and you are providing the perfect opportunity for a cheating spouse. If you were me, I would have a PI tail her. Have him contact you the minute something goes down, at that point, I would be sending her the message that you know what she is up to right at that minute and the consequences of her actions will be divorce, complete disclosure and all the fallout that it brings, and destruction of the boyfriend's life-he has a wife and kiddies. I default to PI's, first as I represent one active and several who are semi- retired. (Retired police detectives who keep their hands in-matrimonial work pays well)

A client, who is a former PI, said that he knocked on several hotel room doors, identified himself, and served the divorce papers on the spot to the cheating spouse. Shock and awe.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

throwaway9255 said:


> weightlifter, can you explain what you mean about her having coaching? Like the OM is talking her through the steps to hiding her activity?
> 
> Also, I keep seeing references to RDMU on here, what was the deal with that?


Im on here rarely. Nothing is really new here any more. Most things we see are something along the lines of "this one is similar to poster (user) X with a bit of poster Y"

Yours sounds a bit like a former poster named RDMU. His wife's OP was very experienced in cheating with other mens wives and had coached her extensively on avoiding detection. It didnt hurt that he (and his wife) were in their inner circle so there was always a reason they could be in contact. RDMU caught on well over a year later and only because his wife got careless. Similar in some ways, just like you he both messed up with an early confrontation.

Its ancient history if you care what went down on RDMU. Look in my history for a thread titled the RDMU Diaries. The original thread was deleted. The details listed were carefully screened and allowed by RDMU himself. Seems so long ago.


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