# Wife having EA but I want to work it out...help...



## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

After reading this forum for several weeks now, I've decided to post something because I've seen some great advice and support...and if nothing else, it's nice to vent and empathize with others that have been or are in the same situation.

I realize my situation is not that unique now. My wife and I were college sweethearts, been together for 13 years, married for 8, no kids. In the past couple years, I admit that I had started to take her for granted, and that I had been neglectful of many of her needs, though we always were comfortable, content, and great friends. She did voice her displeasure at times, but never to the point that I thought our marriage was in jeopardy. 

It turns out she was internalizing a lot of it, so it hit me like a ton of bricks when about a month ago, she told me she was truly unhappy, she had checked out of our relationship, and felt it was over. The classic ILYBINILWY. I didn't really have the immediate reaction of begging/pleading that she may have expected (I was kind of cold and emotionless), and that confirmed to her that I was not really in love with her any more. To be honest, it was more just shock that resulted in my lack of emotion rather than an actual absence of emotion. We lived in different places the next week, and during that week, I was absolutely torn apart. I couldn't eat or sleep, and I did alot of things that the 180 suggests not to do (calling her, promising I would change, etc.).

A week later, the other shoe dropped when she told me she had fallen for a coworker, and that this had actually happened several months before. She told me this wasn't about him, that even if he wasn't there, she would have prompted the end-of-marriage talk, etc. But she also said she felt he was her soulmate, that he just "got" her, that she emotionally connected with him in a way she couldn't imagine with me any more, and that he was spontaneous and romantic. She claims it is only an EA, not a PA yet. She has since admitted to two instances of PA in the past (pure emotionless sex), so I'm inclined to believe her about the EA, since she doesn't seem to be pulling any punches right now. Anyway, I did the usual begging and pleading and promising, which she just wasn't buying, given the 13-yr track record she had of me. How could she believe I would change now? Why would it take the threat of divorce to make me change? (to which I answered, because it is the threat of divorce!) Still, she didn't seem to be able to make the final leap one way or the other (give up the OM or file divorce papers).

In the past 2 weeks since then, we've been in the hell of uncertainty. We sometimes live together, sometimes don't. We have great sex, then avoid having physical contact. We have more open, freeing conversations than we've ever had, then have those awkward silences. We're trying to do fun things together that we always said we would do (salsa lessons, couples cooking lessons). This has just ended up making us more confused. Our interaction vacillates between things seeming to really click with us and things being on the brink of filing divorce papers. She runs hot and cold, goes from being emotionless to sobbing that she feels so horrible and that she doesn't want a divorce. I am hanging on to any thread of hope and want to work this out at all costs, but she seems to switch from wanting to give me a chance to feeling in her mind that she needs to give herself a chance with the OM. 

Not being able to take this state of limbo any more, I asked for a trial period of several months to show (not just say) that I can change and make her fall back in love. I asked her to go NC with the OM during the period of time to concentrate on sorting out our issues first without outside influence. One part of her seemed to be open to it, but another part said it's not fair to the OM to make him wait that long! That made me furious, but I kept my emotions in check... Anyway, she's mulling it over now and we're finally going to our first MC session next Monday where I hope we can get some clarity regarding where we are. 

Any advice I could get regarding whether I should see this through or whether it's a hopeless scenario would be really appreciated. Part of me feels like a sucker for letting her be a cake-eater for so long, but I know I want to be with her for the rest of my life and my love for her is unconditional. I still want to give every chance for this to work. Thanks in advance for advice and/or a splash of cold water...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

There is no chance of recovering your marriage while she is with the OM (not fair to make him wait - WTF).

Accept that she never was the wife you thought you had. Were the two PAs with the current OM or have there been others?

I just do not see much hope here. She checked out long ago, she just did not tell you.

Divorce and move on. You can do better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you really know about her other PAs? Why did she tell you about them?

What do you know about her current affair partner? Is he married or have a girlfriend?

Have you been investigating her phone, texts,facebook etc.?

From what you have been reading here, you should probably be aware you can believe nothing that she says.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gear,

You are setting yourself up for failure. Being a doormat does not get your wife back. It just tells her to leave you.

Your wife is in the fog. There is no going to MC while she has the OM. She will not get feelings back for you because she has the OM.

You might have been a crappy husband but you did not cheat. She owns that.

Instead of being in limbo for 2 weeks you should have gone to an attorney. Get divorce papers. Hand them to her and say "There cannot be 3 in our marriage, make a decision now".

She will know your serious and you can finally stand up for yourself.

Take control of your life my man. She is out of control and making very poor decisions about your marriage without you having a say in it. 

Good Luck and take your life back for you!

HM64


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

PAs were with two different people, neither being the current OM. I believe her when she says those were simply physical, nothing more. She doesn't want to get into PA with current OM because she actually cares about him. OM broke up with his GF half a year ago and is single, so no drama on his side. I don't think she is trying to hide anything at this point. She is being very upfront even if she knows it is going to hurt. I mean, she is telling me straight up that she can't go NC. She is also upfront saying part of her wants to try and work it out but she can't commit wholly because of what she feels for OM. Is this case closed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks HM64. I am getting to that point now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She can go NC, she chooses not to. That is the same as choosing him over the arrange.

Look she's nt that much of catch frankly, she has cheated on you in the past and now this. Let the OM have her and you can upgrade to someone who will actually value enough not to cheat. This one has proven she isn't worth any effort on your part.

If she had any respect for you, or any interest in the marriage the OM would be gone.

As fir making him wait, yeah it's called saving the freaking marriage. You should be her priority not some POS OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dump her. She's trash.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why is this even a question? She had multiple affairs, shows no remorse, no respect for you nor the marriage.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So she has cheated on you with 3 lovers---unemotional or not---she spread her legs for the others, and in doing so---put you on the back burner., you were nothing to her---for one in love, with their H., does not have sex with others, unemotional or not.

What were the causes of her having the other 2 sexcapades.

Right now she is calling the shots----she is deciding whether to D., or stay together

Tell me what are you deciding??????

If you get back together, given the past history, of this mge., and the past history of your wife---SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN,AND SHE WILL DO IT ANY TIME SHE WANTS----Cheating in this mge., does not bother her one iota

She, at this point is more worried about how her present lover will feel, than how you will feel

You cannot control, nor make any decisions for your wife-----this mge., very well may be over------but whether you wanna R., or D.---YOU MUST TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, and live/make decisions, independently of your wife

You have a long future ahead of you, and you need to think hard about what that future will be like

You can continue on, as you are with a wife, who has you 2nd to her present lover, and who thinks nothing of having sex with other men----or you can end this, what is right now a farce of a mge---and move on into the world---and hopefully find a woman, who you can have a good, positive, strong, relationship with.


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## DietColaGirl (Apr 4, 2012)

I don't think YOU can make someone fall back in love with you. If it happens, it's because of some revelation THEY'VE made about themself. That might involve a "time out" from one another.... but as others have pointed out, she may not be open to change/sorting things out as long as she is with this other man.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You're insane to even think of taking her back. 

Don't waste your life with someone that has such little regard for you. How many men does she have to plough through before it hits you that this woman does not love you nor has she ever.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gear,
Yes. End it. You deserve better. Your wife is a coward and a cake eater. Serve her D papers.

As bad as you describe yourself I think you have been desensitized by her past affairs.

Dump her. In a little while you will feel better.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

So during your marriage your wife has admitted to physical affairs with two different men but hey it was only sex.....What is wrong with this picture? Now she tells you she has fallen in love with another man. How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? She had no problem having sex with other men and putting your health at risk for STD's. Look she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Why would you feel special and proud that she is your wife since she has played you for such a fool in the past and the present but hey it was only sex (sic). By the way if the roles were reversed I doubt she would have been so accepting as you have been and begging you for recovery.

I think she is lying about this present guy and she most likely has had sex. You are in denial. I would strongly suggest
1. get tested for std's
2. See an attorney.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. If she is not willing to give up contact with the OM to try and salvage our marriage, why am I putting any more effort in... I think it's because I'm trying to atone for being a neglectful husband in the past, but if she's not even going to let me have a chance to prove I can change, I think I'm done.

Filing for divorce will either give her a wakeup call forcing her to go NC, or lead to actual divorce. Either way, at least the purgatory of limbo will be over. 

God, this sucks. I can't believe someone I thought I knew for so long could change like this...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> PAs were with two different people, neither being the current OM. I believe her when she says those were simply physical, nothing more. She doesn't want to get into PA with current OM because she actually cares about him. OM broke up with his GF half a year ago and is single, so no drama on his side. I don't think she is trying to hide anything at this point. She is being very upfront even if she knows it is going to hurt. I mean, she is telling me straight up that she can't go NC. She is also upfront saying part of her wants to try and work it out but she can't commit wholly because of what she feels for OM. Is this case closed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:slap:

LET HER GO.

This is not the wife you are looking for.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :slap:
> 
> LET HER GO.
> 
> This is not the wife you are looking for.


I have to sadly agree


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ughhhhh....she's a ho. Let er go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Not just a **ore. She is batsh*t crazy. 

Two previous PA just for sex, nothing else (we all know that makes everything alright and excuses her f*cking OMen). Now she says she will not f*ck current OM because she cares about him too much. Plus she will not commit to you.

If you stay with this evil woman - you are crazy. There is no up side for you. Just prolonged pain and suffering.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

we have our first MC session early next week. my wife promised to be very honest with the MC regarding what she is feeling right now (in terms of not giving up the OM, but still seeing good parts in our marriage). i'm hoping the MC can give one of us a wake-up call...either: (i) she needs to give up OM because it is pure infatuation, or (ii) i need to divorce and move on since her refusal to give up OM makes this unworkable.

my mind's made up. if after the session she refuses to give up the OM, i'm done. i will not be second place to someone she has really known for only a couple months.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It's fairly common for people to think they've found their soulmates after knowing them for only a few weeks or months. This is before they can see the other person's flaws. Then it takes a few years before the other person's flaws really bother them. So, in about three years, your wife will be done with this other man. That doesn't do you much good, though. She may or may not want another chance with you at that time.

But put yourself in her shoes now. She knows you have flaws and she knows you are not her soulmate. She took vows with you and feels bad about breaking them. But she will be able to rationalize it. She thinks she's found her soulmate.

If you thought you had found your soulmate, would you stay in the marriage?

You don't have kids, which is a huge reason spouses stay together through something like you're going through.

I don't see her choosing you over him. I don't see the harm in trying the marriage counseling for a few weeks before making a decision.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm sorry but does anyone else believe the OP's wife when she says it has not gone physical. For her to hang on to him this long and this hard they are definitely in a PA in my opinion. And MC doesn't work that way gear. If she is actively in an affair MC is useless.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's a liar and has slept with the OM repeatedly. 

MC is a waste of money unless the wayward has dumped the affair partner. That's TAM 101.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At least she's not trying to hurt you anymore by continuing to decieve you. What I mean is most guys don't invest the time with out getting "it".

Sorry, until OM is out of the picture you are in a lossing battle, Your #1 concern is doing what you can to show her that your making the changes for your self by being positve and confident...Fake until you make it.

The perception she sees when you smile and show her an indifference towards her may get her to really think twice.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gear,
You have set your limit. Now stick to it. No matter what the mc says. Either you are #1 or you are not.

You deserve better. Never forget that.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its physical, she's not going to leave him, just a prediction. Get your ducks in a row, talk to a lawyer, let her know what her financial responsibilities will be, tell her she will be leaving not you. After MC ask her to get out.

The prevailling wisdom is that serial cheaters can not change. This is at least her third affair. 
Find a real woman.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Beowulf said:


> I'm sorry but does anyone else believe the OP's wife when she says it has not gone physical. For her to hang on to him this long and this hard they are definitely in a PA in my opinion. And MC doesn't work that way gear. If she is actively in an affair MC is useless.


It's physical and the BS is playing the MC card, its it going to work. The OM is safe to continue interfering with your marriage because your allowing it.

Work or no work , expose the affair to her coworker, boss, HR , his family and SO. Drive him and and make life very difficult for him . 

Cancel MC , do you seriously think the MC is going to insist she stop seeing the OM . Go for the divorce option and at the same time do your damdest to get him or her fired or at least the topic of gossip in the work place.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Read the newbie thread below there is a lot of good information therein 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Switch to a hard 180, link below.

Fence Sitters
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

gear1903 said:


> In the past couple years, I admit that I had started to take her for granted, and that I had been neglectful of many of her needs, though we always were comfortable, content, and great friends. She did voice her displeasure at times, but never to the point that I thought our marriage was in jeopardy.
> 
> It turns out she was internalizing a lot of it, so it hit me like a ton of bricks when about a month ago, she told me she was truly unhappy, she had checked out of our relationship, and felt it was over. The classic ILYBINILWY. I didn't really have the immediate reaction of begging/pleading that she may have expected (I was kind of cold and emotionless), and that confirmed to her that I was not really in love with her any more. To be honest, it was more just shock that resulted in my lack of emotion rather than an actual absence of emotion. We lived in different places the next week, and during that week, I was absolutely torn apart. I couldn't eat or sleep, and I did alot of things that the 180 suggests not to do (calling her, promising I would change, etc.).
> 
> A week later, the other shoe dropped when she told me she had fallen for a coworker, and that this had actually happened several months before.


I could have wrote all of this about my situation, this is pretty much exactly how I started out.



> She told me this wasn't about him, that even if he wasn't there, she would have prompted the end-of-marriage talk, etc.


She believes this but its not true, if the OM wasn't in the picture she would have at least tried MC/IC or stuck with the marriage. Her wanted to leave is very much about the OM.


> But she also said she felt he was her soulmate, that he just "got" her, that she emotionally connected with him in a way she couldn't imagine with me any more, and that he was spontaneous and romantic.


EVERYONE thinks this about their AP because the OM in this case is courting her. Its an illusion and she is buying into it because it feeds into her fantasies. The OM could literally be anyone and she would say the same thing. Its the affair that is making her feel "high", not the OM. 


> She has since admitted to two instances of PA in the past (pure emotionless sex),


The fact that she did this is grounds for a divorce right there. Don't blow this off as if its nothing, don't be a cuckold.


> Anyway, I did the usual begging and pleading and promising, which she just wasn't buying, given the 13-yr track record she had of me. How could she believe I would change now? Why would it take the threat of divorce to make me change? (to which I answered, because it is the threat of divorce!) Still, she didn't seem to be able to make the final leap one way or the other (give up the OM or file divorce papers).


Of course she won't believe you'll change, she doesn't WANT to. If you change then that would mean was wrong and she just made a huge mistake having an A. She will not allow that so will purposely not believe any of your changes are real (you are just acting like you've change but if you R then things will go back to the old ways she'll tell herself). You have to change for yourself and not worry about if she believes you or even can see the changes herself.


> Not being able to take this state of limbo any more, I asked for a trial period of several months to show (not just say) that I can change and make her fall back in love.


You are NOT going to make her fall in love with you again with the OM still in the picture which brings me to...


> I asked her to go NC with the OM during the period of time to concentrate on sorting out our issues first without outside influence.


...and she in NOT going to give up the OM. This is something you need to accept asap. You are delusional if you think she will give up the A for the M after telling you all of the above. Why would she?

Her problem now is her guilty for hurting you but rest assured she does plan on leaving you regardless of what you do or say. She does still care or she would have been gone by now but its not enough to stop her (right now). 


> One part of her seemed to be open to it, but another part said it's not fair to the OM to make him wait that long! That made me furious, but I kept my emotions in check... Anyway, she's mulling it over now and we're finally going to our first MC session next Monday where I hope we can get some clarity regarding where we are.


MC is not going to save you M, she is going to use this to find the best/easiest way to leave you without hurting you too much. That and she is going to go to "looK" like she is trying to save the M but all she is doing is trying to save face. I know, mine did that.

I'll tell you what happen to me since our Ws are like twins and are doing the exact same things (except she never had PAs).

She slowly moved out and was staying at her mothers. My W and the OM made plans to get a place together and after a couple of months did. It didn't even turn into a PA until they moved in together. After living together for 2 or 3 months she started missing me and left the OM to come back home. We tried to R but it was a false R (she still had feelings for the OM) so when the OM called her 6 months into our R she left again.

If I had to do it again, I would have went NC for a bit to see how she would react without me then filed for a D. If I would have gotten angry and insisted on divorcing her for what she was doing and went hard NC (I mean ignoring her and only passing messages through a third party) I MIGHT have stopped her from taking the next step. Reality would have come crashing in on her a lot sooner.

There may be nothing you can do to stop her from banging this guy but most likely when she does (and if you are smart already filing a D and cut her out of your life) the A will fall apart and she will regret what she has done. Nothing kills the fantasy of an affair faster than turning it into a real relationship. Once they are a couple then the courting stop sand she will be right where she was before.

ETA: I did R with my W and we are still together. She left the OM again once she saw his true colors and after I basically told her to go to hell and started dating. She filed for a D but I pushed to get it finalized and she stopped me. The BEST thing that I did was get angry at my situation and tried to get away from her. This forced her to try to win me back (which wasn't my intent) and it worked. My only regret was acting too nice at the beginning and not filing for the D myself.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

wow army, thanks for the post. it seems like our situations were indeed similar. 

i think it makes sense for me to go NC/180 hard and fast (basically filing for D). that's the fastest way for me to get back on track and happy w/ myself, as well as the fastest way for WS to follow her path, whether that leads to success of falling flat on her face. 

nothing is getting resolved by lingering like this, although some people seem to be saying give MC one or two sessions, at least so the two of us can come to terms w/ things even if it doesn't mean getting back together.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MC only works if the OM is out of the picture. Save the money and use it to get a new apartment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> nothing is getting resolved by lingering like this, although some people seem to be saying give MC one or two sessions, at least so the two of us can come to terms w/ things even if it doesn't mean getting back together.


Stop fooling yourself and wasting money on MC. You can't change her, she will continue to sleep with other people. By doing this she is not only disrespecting you and the marriage, but also putting your health at risk for STD's. Plus the humilitaion of being a cuckold.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

:iagree:


bandit.45 said:


> MC only works if the OM is out of the picture. Save the money and use it to get a new apartment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As long as the OM is in the picture, OP is a cuckold. She doesn't want to make the OM wait? WTF does that mean? Wait for what? Talking like that just means that she's willing to delay the inevitable and give you false hope. Man, your marriage is over whether you're willing to admit it or not. She's not giving up the other man willingly and if you nag her into it she'll still never be completely committed to you.

That doesn't mean that you can't cause a little carnage on the way out. Make sure everyone at their company knows what happened. Tell all of her friends and family that she's a cheater (x3). But at the end of the day, get yourself out. Get a little self respect.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

gear1903 said:


> wow army, thanks for the post. it seems like our situations were indeed similar.
> 
> i think it makes sense for me to go NC/180 hard and fast (basically filing for D). that's the fastest way for me to get back on track and happy w/ myself, as well as the fastest way for WS to follow her path, whether that leads to success of falling flat on her face.
> 
> nothing is getting resolved by lingering like this, although some people seem to be saying give MC one or two sessions, at least so the two of us can come to terms w/ things even if it doesn't mean getting back together.


Like everyone said. MC is a waste of time. You can start the 180 right now by telling her you changed your mind and don't want MC, that you are going to go ahead and "give up" on her and move toward a D. That will confuse her and make her question herself. To get her to want you again, you have to reject her now.

Another thing that really helped me was realizing the A was not my fault. I wasn't the best husband in the world so I thought I deserved what happened and let her get away with way too much. It's not your fault, there's a million options she could have chosen instead of an A but she did it anyway. 

Her problem is because she is in an A all the negative aspects of the M is magnified 100x. She has to do this to justify to herself for being in the A. Once you are out of the picture for a while (NC) she will start to miss you and all the negativity will begin to fade. Of course by then it will be a PA. There lies the rub, if you wanted to R it will be anywhere from 3 to 6 months from now and after its a PA. If you try to R now she will be pinning for the OM and asking herself "what if" and would end up starting the A up again. The only way to get her to give up the OM is for her to stop caring or hate him. He can't be that great, he's chasing a married woman so you know he has questionable morals. No "knight in shinning armor" would hook up with a married woman.

There's a type of guy that when put in this situation would say "Get the hell out, you want to be with your boyfriend so bad go be with him and get out of my life. You are not worth my time anymore" and kick her to the curb. Those guys don't post here unless its about how to get rid of the WS. The Ws in those situations almost always give up their OMs and get on the hands and knees begging for their Hs to take them back. Its almost like the meaner you are to them, the more likely they are to want to stay. My W did not like my ignoring her one bit and when I pushed to set a court date she did all she could to drag her feet on it.

So I'm saying throw in the towel now and you will feel a lot better and she may turn around before she gets too deep. Being nice just makes them want to leave it seems.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

:iagree: Good advice gear.

When you chase someone they keep running away from you. Its only when you stop chasing then they stop running. Then they look around and wonder where they really are.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I like Juan's advice but one thing you might look at is a website called divorce busting. Not sure what it entails but it has been recommended here before.

Your wife says she has had two previous affairs. What details did she give you besides it was just for sex? According to her she had sex with two people she didn't have feelings for. Now she has great feeling for the OM, who is her soulmate, but has not had sex with him. How can that possibly be true. Have you looked at her texts/chats?

I don't recall you having kids, is that right?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

She checked out long,long ago and I suspect she will be saying that it is not all about him. Almost that he is incidental?

She will continue to see the OM until all your love has drained away. You loved her more than she loved you.
Move on . She has been selfish to string you along and you have been blind. It no longer matters. She has gone.

There are plenty of women out there who will want a good man. She can have the POS. 
Sorry .


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

chapparal, she said she wasn't feeling attractive any more b/c i wasn't giving it to her (i wasn't as physically attracted to her for a period of time, and i now realize i could have done more to help her out, like go to the gym and exercise w/ her). so she had those PAs just to confirm she was physically desired, which apparently she was. random, no last name, no contact afterwards-type deals.

regarding this EA, i don't have evidence to prove one way or the other whether it has gone PA, but i just feel like she hasn't pulled any punches recently so why would she hide the fact that the EA went PA? it's not like she's been trying to not hurt my feelings any more. in fact, at one point, she told me she revealed the PAs so it would trigger me into getting so angry that i'd file for D. it didn't, but if that was her intention, why not just say the EA went PA as well?

and no, we don't have any kids, so our decisions will only be based on what we feel.

we are still living under the same roof but are like complete strangers now. we barely acknowledge each other, sleep as far apart on the same bed as possible, and we are both playing it extremely cool/indifferent, as if testing who will blink first (though i don't think she actually is testing me at all...i think she's really checked out).

we plan to talk about how to deal w/ our house and some of the logistical stuff for D. advice? just play it cool and go along w/ everything, while continuing to go out and live my life, hang w/ my friends, and not check in on a regular basis? i feel like such a bad person just ignoring my relationship, but is that really what it takes?? no one said the 180 was going to be easy...


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

180 is about ignoring her. The 180 is about working on you and making you better. And there is no relationship as long as she is still in contact with the OM.

BTW, take the money you were gonna use on MC and bet it on either black or red because the money would have been better spent that way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The 180 is about ignoring her? Where did that come from?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Advice, you want advice.........throw the gutter stank out!! She's dorked at least two other men, possible a third that she openly admits to and you find that what, endearing???


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

gear1903 said:


> i feel like such a bad person just ignoring my relationship, but is that really what it takes?? no one said the 180 was going to be easy...


Chapparal, from OPs post.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

haha, kenmoore, when you put it like that, it does seem pretty fckng stupid, doesn't it? 

but love (or maybe more like what i thought was love) makes us do stupid things. 

i gotta wake up, and TAM has been really helpful in giving me an objective reality check.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> chapparal, she said she wasn't feeling attractive any more b/c i wasn't giving it to her (i wasn't as physically attracted to her for a period of time, and i now realize i could have done more to help her out, like go to the gym and exercise w/ her). so she had those PAs just to confirm she was physically desired, which apparently she was. random, no last name, no contact afterwards-type deals.
> 
> regarding this EA, i don't have evidence to prove one way or the other whether it has gone PA, but i just feel like she hasn't pulled any punches recently so why would she hide the fact that the EA went PA? it's not like she's been trying to not hurt my feelings any more. in fact, at one point, she told me she revealed the PAs so it would trigger me into getting so angry that i'd file for D. it didn't, but if that was her intention, why not just say the EA went PA as well?
> 
> ...


Here is the thing gear. When you do the 180 you have to be positive. Smile a lot. Act like your life is great. Its just a life without her. Go out and don't tell her where you're going. Get dressed up. Look sharp. Get a haircut, new clothes. Smile when you leave and smile even more when you come home. She needs to see you are moving on and can live without her just fine and that your life is and will be fantastic. Don't be surprised if she starts asking you about what you are doing. Don't be surprised if she starts to engage with you more. Read these statements and memorize it well.

Women want men that do not need them.

Women want men that are better than they are.

Women want men they cannot have.

Women want men that have options.

Women want men that are confident, secure and live their lives on their terms.

You do that and see what happens. If she comes back to you and you decide to give it another shot, fine. But if she has permanently checked out you will be in a much better position to move on.

Remember you are the prize...not her!


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

great advice beowulf, thanks.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> Chapparal, from OPs post.


The reason I asked is people are constantly getting the 180 wrong. There is no ignore in the 180. The point is not to act pi$$ed off and rude. The point is to take back control of one's life and become a stronger better person.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

chapparal, i guess what i am trying to say is that when taking control of my own life and focusing on making myself a better person, some part of me feels guilty that i'm focusing my time and energy on me rather than on showing my wife what she still means to me. so i guess i drew some connection b/w the 180 and 'ignoring' my relationship.

what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> chapparal, i guess what i am trying to say is that when taking control of my own life and focusing on making myself a better person, some part of me feels guilty that i'm focusing my time and energy on me rather than on showing my wife what she still means to me. so i guess i drew some connection b/w the 180 and 'ignoring' my relationship.
> 
> what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.


The 180 isn't about your relationship with your wife its about you. It can also be modified to fit your needs. Doing the 180 wrong will hurt your relationship. Doing it right can save a reltionship though that is not its goal but a side effect. Ifyou are doing it right it will make you strong and atractvie to women, including your wife.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> chapparal, i guess what i am trying to say is that when taking control of my own life and focusing on making myself a better person, some part of me feels guilty that i'm focusing my time and energy on me rather than on showing my wife what she still means to me. so i guess i drew some connection b/w the 180 and 'ignoring' my relationship.
> 
> what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.


Is your wife desperate? Is she in a time of need in her mind? 

Cantsitstill essentially walked out/ was thrown out of her house. She hit rock bottom and almost had a nervous breakdown. That's when calvin came and helped her. Before that he also tried to convince her to give up the OM. She wouldn't listen. They won't as long as they are in the affair. You can't turn her away from him. You can't turn her toward you. You can only control what you do. She has to decide to turn away from him and toward you. If she does maybe then you can reason with her. If she doesn't then she is already gone and nothing you can do will bring her back.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> Thanks for the feedback. If she is not willing to give up contact with the OM to try and salvage our marriage, why am I putting any more effort in... I think it's because I'm trying to atone for being a neglectful husband in the past


No, it's because you don't want to lose her and start your life all over again, it has nothing to do with a sudden need for "atonement".


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> what makes it harder is hearing from some former WSs in other threads about what made them forego their APs and come back to their spouses. some seem to indicate that realizing how much their husbands loved/supported them in their time of need and desperation is what drew them back. but maybe this is more the exception than the norm.


It seems you are seeing in these examples what you want to see. Nearly in every one of them (mine included), WS came to senses after their BS let them go and checked out.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

hi everyone, thanks for the advice and support so far. i have a little update.

so my WS revealed a couple things yesterday:

first, she's starting to have doubts about the OM. she feels like she can't trust anyone right now (that includes me and the OM), and she seems to be wavering ever so slightly about her EA. could be she is just starting to peer through the fog. 

second, she's decided to move to a different office within her company (as in, a branch office in a different country) for a month. this is so she can disconnect somewhat from both me and the OM and figure out who she is as an individual.

as some of you following this know, i had told her that as long as she wasn't giving up the OM, she could expect D papers, and i have begun the steps to getting that filed. now as she is wavering in her EA and becoming willing to distance herself from connection with the OM (albeit with me as well), and given that we will have this month-long break, do i still proceed with my D filing now or just leave her alone and discuss D when she gets back to see if anything has changed?

she has lost trust in everyone and feels alone. i have lost some measure of trust in her as well because of the EA. still, she was my friend for over 10 years, and i hate to see someone i care about suffer. during this time of need, i almost feel like i'm choosing between two extremes: kicking her while she's down (by going forward with the D), or being the knight to rescue her. i don't know what is better for salvaging things...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> hi everyone, thanks for the advice and support so far. i have a little update.
> 
> so my WS revealed a couple things yesterday:
> 
> ...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

She may be starting to see things more clearly now that she is afraid of actually losing something (you). This is not a time to backslide. This is a time to be as consistent as you can. This is critical. If you don't stay the course you could undo everything.

Her changing branches to get away from you and the OM is a test to see if you will chase her. If you do you are sunk. Let her go if that is what she wants. Act like it doesn't bother you in the least. Remember if you chase them they will run. If you stand your ground they will start to respect you.

You proceed with the divorce. This is to put her "on the clock." The only way you stop the divorce is when and if she turns her attention back toward the marriage and starts to show remorse. If you cave in you negate all the good you have done till now.

She was your friend for 10 years but she chose to cheat on you. She is still not actively engaged in your marriage. She and you are going to suffer regardless. If you try to help her in any way you will just drive her further away from you. You need to wait until she comes to you. Don't be her emotional tampon.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Continue on with the D..... for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Continue on with the D..... for you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Continue the D

Until she takes the step to confirm NC you will have to assume she is still contcating OM so there for the D continues.

The choice she is making is not helping the marriage and for some it just looks like your wife wants more time with OM and is just giving you a line so she doesn't hurt your feelings.

If she wants the D to stop then she can make the choice to be with you with continued validation to her commitment to you.


Right now she want to be with her self let her be by her self....

Right now you know she doesn't want to be with you, thats the bottom line, so move forward with the D.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yep. Assume at this stage in the game that every word that proceedeth forth from her piehole is a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Gear,

Been there. Got the T shirt. My ex H did all of this and more. But only because I let him, I see now. I did absolutely everything wrong. You're not going to get a do over. Go find a girl who doesn't believe in cheating, so you can have kids and know their yours. Peace to you.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

hi all, i've moved to the "going through divorce" forum, as that's what i'm going through now. thanks for all your support, advice, and reality-checking. if you would like to see how the story continues or would like to continue providing advice (which of course i always appreciate), please check me out over there:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...on/44151-moved-cwi-going-through-divorce.html

wanted to give a special shout out to beowulf, army, and chap for their advice.


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