# Ending a short marriage before it goes too far



## teraru (Mar 23, 2019)

I am thinking of ending my short marriage rather than waiting it out. 

I'll start out by saying that we have NO kids. We also have separate finances.

My husband and I are in our mid 20s. We have been together for five years, married for two. 

My husband is caring, kind, and responsible. I know he loves me, and would be devastated to know I was even typing something like this out. The 
problem is, I just don't like him that much. I could list off the reasons, but basically we are incredibly different people. We get along fine, but aren't thriving. Had we still only been dating, I may have ended it already. Our sex life is unsatisfying (tried multiple ways to fix it), and our personalities are totally opposite (he's an extremely passive, pushover type. I'm very bullheaded and assertive). 

I was shocked when he proposed, and in hindsight, I should have postponed everything. I was never that excited to be married, but I am fairly deadpan so just chalked it up to that. Everyone around me was so excited, and my husband was/is normal, suitable, and handsome. But, I don't think I've ever actually been head over heels in love with him. 

I feel like a complete spoiled "b" for being this way. I just find myself having constant thoughts that I don't want to be married anymore. This has 
been going on for probably a year, getting stronger, more frequent, and lately unbearable, with recent events...

I started a new job last August. I will spare you the details, but I am terrified that I'm falling deeply in love with someone I met there. I feel for this person deeper than any lust/crush/infatuation I've had before. We have not done anything physical, although I feel like I've committed emotional cheating just by my level of feelings for this person. We just "click" and the chemistry is insane. We have vibrant conversations. We do tease each other, but on a flirting scale of 1-10 (1 being grade school-level tame, 10 being full-on sexting), I'd rate it like, a 2 or 3. This has been a slow-growing relationship, but it's at the point where I need to say STOP until I make a decision. I'm not going to betray my husband (although I already feel like I have, a little) and I don't want to string another person along.

Now, I know this potential workplace romance is a trap that lots of people fall into. I'm not denying that. 

Whether there is a real possibility with this other person or not, I still don't think I'd like to be with my husband long term. These feelings aren't new. It's just a matter of waiting and trying to work it out, or taking a huge chance and acting faster. 

Like I mentioned, we have no kids, and our finances are separate. I do want kids eventually, but don't want to have them with my husband, just to possibly split up 5 or 10 years down the way, and be that much older, with kids, finances, and more emotional baggage to deal with.

I feel like my life is stagnant at 25. I also feel like a terrible, selfish person for even having these feelings. My husband does not deserve this. He hasn't done anything wrong (except pick a rotten wife like me). But at the same time, I can't kick this feeling of "what if."

Any advice, similar stories, or just a kick in the butt would be appreciated. 

Thanks.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you're very bullheaded and assertive at 25, you better be able to back it up with earnings, job performance, accomplishments, and the like. 

I have two daughters your age that by all measures should be very assertive etc. They aren't. They're too busy building their future. 

Bottom line, if you're super assertive and such now you won't suddenly mellow out because you met someone else. 

If you're not a good match for your partner that's one thing. But you can't expect to act the same way and hope to attract prized catches. You need a paradigm shift.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

teraru said:


> I am thinking of ending my short marriage rather than waiting it out.
> 
> I'll start out by saying that we have NO kids. We also have separate finances.
> 
> ...


I can sympathize with how you feel. But it's important for you to realize that this coworker is a stranger to you. He has problems, ugly secrets, and nasty habits. You don't have to live with him, or put up with any of the aforementioned issues. Which leaves his "suitability rank" in your mind hovering around perfect. Don't delude yourself.

But let's talk about your husband. How did your relationship start? What attracted you to him in the beginning? Why did you say yes when he asked you out? Why didn't you break up with him during the first two years of your relationship?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think the real question is ...... did you feel this way about your husband BEFORE you met this guy? Be honest with yourself (and us).

If the true answer is yes you did feel that way...... then I'm going to say dump and run. If the answer is no then I'm going to say you

need to tell your husband what is happening and see a marriage counselor and get your marriage back on track.

I hope your on birth control.

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Edit: Your going to hate yourself if you get involved with work guy. Do right by your husband first whatever that outcome may be. Your so young
you have all the "field time" you need later.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you an the other man (OM) talked about all this? Or do you have these feelings and it's one sided as far as you know? Is the OM married, have a girlfriend, or otherwise in a relationship.

You are falling into what is called an "affair fog". That's when you meet someone new and your brain chemistry goes full force into the infatuation stage. It's not real. Your brain is making and up taking feel-good hormones like dopamine at a very high level. This puts you into the fog and into fantasy land. F or this reason, the wayward spouse (WS) re-writes the history of their relationship/marriage. In the infatuation state, it's very normal for a person to say the things you are saying about never really being in love with your husband.

Keep in mind and only about 3% of affairs ever last beyond the marriage breakup & divorce of one or both of the affair partners (AP). Even if you decide to end your marriage, the worst thing you could do is get into a relationship with his guy before your divorce is final.

If want to save your marriage, you need to get away from the OM. This might mean finding a new job. Then you can concentrait on your relationship with your husband. There are two books that could help you restructure your marriage into one that is passionate and loving: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". You and your husband would read the books and do the work that they say to do.

I do have a question for you. How many hours a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you doing date-like things (quality time)?


On the other hand, if you really have never really been in love with your husband, your best bet is to end your marriage. He deserves better than wife of does not really love him.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I would definitely keep the two decisions as separate as possible - whether to abandon your husband and whether to date your co-worker. 

You say that you keep your finances separate. Depending on where you live, that might matter. I live a community property state. If I married someone and kept separate finances, I'd still have significant financial issues if I divorced because they would have a claim on half of my marital earnings and vice versa. 

I would be very, very careful about pursuing your co-worker. At the very least, I would keep things from progressing any further until you are fully divorced. If I was a single man and a married woman started coming on to me, I would never trust her, even after she got divorced. She would have clearly demonstrated to me that she's the type that cheats on her spouse. 

You talk about your cw like someone that is infatuated. That's an emotion that isn't a very trustworthy guide for forming relationships. Regardless of how this goes, you need to learn to better sort out what are the things that indicate that you can be happily married to someone and what aren't. Feelings of giddiness, excitement, and lust are feelings that inevitably decline as we grow accustomed to being around someone. Feelings of respect, admiration, friendship, trust, comfort - those are better indicators of relationship compatibility. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be a mixture of both, but that people get the former more easily than the latter and that those emotions don't have the same lasting power.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Twenty-five, no children, and never really wanted to marry him? You're not the first and you won't be the last to have second thoughts about marrying the wrong person. The problem comes when you think time or children or whatever will fill that void and then years later you realize that didn't work. 

Move on and give your husband a chance to find someone who wants to be with him (and get out before you have an affair since you're well on your way).


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes end it. Better now then 5 years from now with two kids. It will suck for your husband but he will be better off in the long run.

A word of caution for you though. You have the potential to have that kind of feeling with thousands of men, and sometimes in new and exciting ways. This is why you must guard yourself so you aren't tempted. It's a mistake to assume that something is wrong in your primary relationship because you are attracted to someone else. 

Marriage is sacrifice, and yes that also means sacrificing potential romantic relationships that could be wonderful. Now hopefully, when you look at the whole of your marriage it is wonderful too, but it may not be at the present. You are playing the long term. 

Don't think that any marriage to anyone is going to solve your problems. You should marry someone because you love them enough that you want to give yourself to them, not because you are going to get anything from them. That doesn't mean you don't have standards and protect yourself. 

Love doesn't stop attractions to others except in the very early stages. You have to fight against your nature. That's marriage, even the very best ones. 

Love is just as much about not acting on emotions as it is about acting on them.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you clearly communicated all of this to your husband? If not, he deserves that at the very least. 

Is there anything he could do that would change how you feel?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

People who find someone else always claim that they not longer love their spouse. That's because they are comparing the lust and excitement for real love which it isn't. 
You clearly loved him enough to be with him for 5 years and marry him 2 years ago, but suddenly you have met a new man and your poor husband is apparently too 'boring'. Don't you realise that in a few years the new man will be boring compared to yet another new man who comes on the scene? Why would you even be interested in a man who thinks its ok to flirt with another mans wife anyway? Not much of a man is he. I hope that he isn't married or in a relationship as well. 
Your poor husband deserves someone better, not a woman who compares him to other men and thinks its ok to flirt with them and think of them as partners. Someone who cant even keep the vows she made just 2 years ago.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

teraru said:


> I am thinking of ending my short marriage rather than waiting it out.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And there it is, the sound of the other shoe dropping.

You get bored easily, hence discontent, hence unhappy.

Your happiness is outside you. This is unfixable.

Divorce your husband, you are not compatible.

He can find a woman who can appreciate a stable intimate connection with a man like him, and you can find the passion and excitement you are wired to desire.

Make haste, make haste, lingering in one spot will only cause you to sink more deeply in the bog.

Once it encloses around you the suffocating mass will render you a mummified testimony to those failed Tennyson's sentiment, "I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all."

Never so deeply, never so passionately, never so purely, and now with the clarity of knowing yourself on the highest level... you owe it to life...you owe it to love...you owe it to those who have loved and lost, and supremely, you owe it to yourself to inform your husband, fly to this lover, and consummate this coalescence of body and soul that sustains the heartbeat of true love for another generation.

For not in every generation do soulmates quench this fire and ice. 

They will write songs about you, and will retell the story for 500 years.

Be quick, be quick, for every day you delay you mislead the one, and the other you betray!


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

You know what your husband deserves even less than a surprise divorce? To find out that his wife never really loved him, didn't know why she agreed to marry him, didn't want to have kids with him, and was constantly toying with the idea of leaving him because she couldn't stand him. Go find one of the many threads here of husbands who found that out many years in and see how crushed and devastated they are. Rip the bandaid off now while he still has time to find someone who loves and cherishes him and so will you.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

There's a 99% chance that your next relationship will fail also and the misery will be worse than you imagine. I'm not being a debbie downer but don't think for a sec that ending this marriage and pursuing another is smooth sailing. You wilk find out it may take years.and dating lots of different guys to shift thru to find another. It's fustrating and agonizing and the fruit of the labor to achieve this wouldn't be worth it. Even if you get involved in a rebound it ends badly and the depression people I see go thru this isn't worth it. My ex spouse divorced me and I didn't look back thought I could do better always looking for the one. Looking back I kinda wished we worked it out sort of speak even though I didn't truely love her I would find something about her to love but that is my past. Now i'm divorced twice dated a butt load of women and still haven't found the one. 

My advice is marriage isn't a lifetime movie where in the end your dreams come true. It is something God created and those who enter it should seek God wisdom concerning matters in this area. I hope this helps I hope you do the right thing and maybe you reconsider and make things right between you and your husband. If not I wish you the best of luck you gonna need it and if you're next relationship doesn't pan out the misery is worse than what you're going thru at the moment.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

yes you were not ready to be married. Divorce and move on while there are no childen involved.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If you dont like your husband, then you need to end the marriage. It is unfair to him and also to yourself. A marriage cannot thrive without even a basic like for your spouse. And stay away from your coworker.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

nekonamida said:


> *You know what your husband deserves even less than a surprise divorce? To find out that his wife never really loved him,* didn't know why she agreed to marry him, didn't want to have kids with him, and was constantly toying with the idea of leaving him because she couldn't stand him. Go find one of the many threads here of husbands who found that out many years in and see how crushed and devastated they are. Rip the bandaid off now while he still has time to find someone who loves and cherishes him and so will you.


Bingo!

That is the core right there. Everything else is just ornamentation on this discussion


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

I would probably dump the poor guy. You sound like my ex wife. She too was assertive wanted to be in control. We met when she was 23 and planning on being a teacher, and by the time she was in her late 20s wanted to be a big career woman, like her parent's. I wasn't a pushover, but she wanted to do what she wanted. If she wanted guy friends sniffing around, then that's how it would be. We were trying to have a kid, but STOP- she doesn't want kids now.

It was rough at the time, but I'm glad I'm not with her. And I'm sure she is happier without me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well, we could go around and around on this for another dozen pages or so.

Answer is kind of sitting there staring you right in the face, no?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Stay with your husband for now. Get weekly IC for yourself for at least 3 months before making a decision. Discuss your relationship vs what you're looking for in a long term partner. Marriages are complicated. Among other things, consider that one of the most important things you'll do for your children is: who you pick to be their father. 

In the interim, cease flirting with the COW/go NC. Your EA will poison your IC as well as your marriage (no spouse can compete with a fantasy/COW). NC is a consequence of your inappropriate behavior with the OM.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy (Jun 18, 2018)

there is a very good chance your attempt is to rationalize your crush by picking apart your marriage, be very careful here.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

SongoftheSouth said:


> yes you were not ready to be married. Divorce and move on while there are no childen involved.


Second this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@teraru

I am not being rude, but I think you might be reinventing your relationship.

Also, here is something to consider:



> My husband is caring, kind, and responsible.


Therefore you must want someone who is:-



> disrespectful, uncompassionate and irresponsible


You are, I fear, in the dictionary under: "wanting the moon on a stick."





To be blunt, your husband deserves better than you can offer him. Because if he really doesn't know that you actually dislike him, then you have played him and played him for a fool for the past five years. And how do you expect him to be able to forgive you for that?


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