# I cheated



## Kristy37

New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.

37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.

Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


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## RebuildingMe

Your husband is a fool to accept this. You’re still
working with and in contact with your affair partner? The economy is fantastic for people looking for work. Go find another job.


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## sideways

He may "want to work it out" right now but with you still working with your AP every day the odds are against the two of you reconciling.

How did this affair start?

How long has it been going on?

Did you confess to your husband or did he find out on his own?

Any kids?

Did you have anyone that knew about the affair (friends)?


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## HarryBosch

You are extremely lucky. I was foolish enough to fall for porn, and I never physically cheated on her nor did I ever want to. I loved her dearly and I paid the ultimate price for my stupidity.

No offense, but I get angry when people sleep with someone else and get rewarded with chances. Heck If my wife cheated on me I would probably have given her a couple of chances myself... but after you do stupid things, you don't get any prizes.. stupid or otherwise. My Ex did the best thing for me... she walked. Now she'll forever be the one that got away because of something as stupid as a computer screen and my lying to hide it.

Yes... consider yourself VERY lucky.


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## Kristy37

sideways said:


> He may "want to work it out" right now but with you still working with your AP every day the odds are against the two of you reconciling.
> 
> How did this affair start?
> 
> How long has it been going on?
> 
> Did you confess to your husband or did he find out on his own?
> 
> Any kids?
> 
> Did you have anyone that knew about the affair (friends)?


It first started on a business trip. Had been going on roughly 4 months. He suspected something and ask me and I confessed the truth. We have 2 kids. I have 1 coworker friend that knows.


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## bobert

Kristy37 said:


> It first started on a business trip. Had been going on roughly 4 months.* He suspected something and ask me and I confessed the truth.* We have 2 kids. I have 1 coworker friend that knows.


Just like that? Seems believable 

You absolutely need to find another job. If you have to suffer a bit, well, that's a consequence of your actions. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.

You also need to make sure you are not rug sweeping the affair because it never works. Reconciliation is a process that takes years. If it doesn't and it seems like you recovered quickly, then you aren't doing it right.


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## HarryBosch

bobert said:


> Just like that? Seems believable
> 
> You absolutely need to find another job. If you have to suffer a bit, well, that's a consequence of your actions. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.
> 
> You also need to make sure you are not rug sweeping the affair because it never works. Reconciliation is a process that takes years. If it doesn't and it seems like you recovered quickly, then you aren't doing it right.


 Amen to that... by the time it is all tolled, you'll be nothing but an afterthought. I fully expect to never never see her again the way we used to be. She's gone.

Thats the first step to moving on... realizing that switch is turned off, forever.


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## RebuildingMe

Again, what “today’s husband” is willing to accept…mind boggling.

She’s still working with the dude!!!


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## Lostinthought61

Is the other man married? If he is you owe to tell his wife you need to make amends...and you also need to tell your husband what you are going to do to put him first and fix this marriage.


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## Evinrude58

Why did you cheat?
Why won’t you just do it again? I mean, he’s taking you back…

working with AP….. doom.
Realize if you keep working with him, your husband is going to be reminded every day of your affair as he should… he’s broken right now. Once he heals some and gets off the roller coaster if emotions you put him on—- he’s not likely going to go for you working with the AP, and is likely to choose divorce to get out of his pain. Unless he’s insecure snd not confident he can find a woman.. Lots of those these days. 
Btw, first two questions weren’t to offend. They’re two questions your husband is going over in his mind 10000 times a day, and something you need to answer for him in a logical way, if you hope to reconcile.

last question: Why did the affair end?

bravo on confessing. Few waywards do, even when caught red handed.


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## Marc878

Affairs are like an addiction. You get the addict around the source you can get relapse. 
Is your AP married? If so does his wife know?

What most don’t realize is infidelity is a life long gift. Your husband like a lot don’t think longterm. If you don’t do this right he may end up with heartburn. Not to mention when you open that door you have no control over what happens later.


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## Marc878

You should probably read up on how to handle infidelity on your end. It doesn’t affect you like it will your husband. Better put the work in upfront because your husbands life and your marriage is forever changed. 
Some can reconcile some can’t. That may not be apparent up front and can rear it’s ugly head later.
Know what you are dealing with.


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## Marc878

Here is a starter. There is plenty of info out there.
If you don’t fix the root of the problem it can happen again. *BEWARE !!!!!*
I would be careful with marriage counselors. Many are rugsweepers or will maybe even blame your spouse for your affair. They can cause even more damage if you go that route. The affair is on you. Avoid blame shifting. I would also avoid clergy. Most are not knowledgeable or educated well enough to deal effectively with infidelity.








15 Powerful Steps for Surviving Infidelity in Your Relationship


These steps are the slow & careful way to surviving infidelity, but if you and your spouse work together, you can rebuild your relationship and get over the affair.




www.rd.com


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## frenchpaddy

I agree with all that say get another job , any type job even if you have to take a wage cut , 
Or ask your ex-lover to move, I can understand the people here that think it is the right thing to do to inform lover boys wife if he has one , IT IS A FORM of revenge, but I think that would be up to you to find out yourself and your husband which action is best ,
she has a right to know but it should be done for the right reason and not just a way of shifting responsibility ,Avoid blame shifting .

A lot now depends on your husband and you working on rebuilding ,
I have never been cheated on and think it is the worst thing one can do to a relationship ,
I even think for people that open marriage can work for some as it is agreed to by both but cheating is the worst type of damage one can do

I hope you find the help here and where even you can to rebuild your new marriage as this is now your second chance and everything will be different , and don't think that becoming a sex slave will do it for you because the worst part is that every time your husband has sex with you he will be thinking of the other man .


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## Beach123

You describe the affair like you’re reading a newspaper - ho hum…

do you realize you’ve actually just completely RUINED everything good about your marriage?
Your attitude doesn’t scream “I’m so sorry I’ve ruined my marriage!”

just divorce him - he deserves way better than you mistreating him.

IF you plan to stay married then sit all your family down (including your kids) and tell them exactly what you’ve done!


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## Bulfrog1987

I had an affair 3 years in to my marriage. Worst mistake I ever made. I should have left before I did that. I was miserable. He was drunk every night, and I didn’t matter. It was like he didn’t care as long as he was able to drink nonstop every night and slink into our bed to do me really fast and get back upstairs to his bottle. He was good. 


I said, what’s the harm? M doing my wifely duties at home, my husband has everything he wants.. He will never know. And, he would have gone on forever that way, drinking and just getting his sex when he wanted without regard to me. but non the less he found out and I spent the rest of our almost fifteen years together trying to make it up to him. I never could. I did quit my job just to not have any chance interaction on the days the affair might be up there for any number of reasons. He volunteered there and worked on the HVAC from time to time.

I was wrong, and it’s true some people can reconcile, but my husband just wanted to use it as another reason to drink, to control, to abuse. He shot himself this past spring and died. There were far bigger issues going on than I ever realized.

You should definitely leave your job. That’s just the first stepping stone and the respectful thing to do. But do know, like everyone has said, it is the gift that keeps giving.


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## Beach123

Maybe you’re just sorry you got caught… not sorry you did it.
Either way - ALL your family needs to know. You owe that to your husband.


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## sokillme

If you stay working with this guy the chances are very high that this will eventually kill your husband's spirit, and finally his love for you. I may still happen even if you move on but the constant reminder that you dress up every day to go to work, are with the man you disrespect your husband and your marriage will eat at him. Now you will probably say you won't see this guy, but your husband has no way of knowing. He will assume the worst. Eventually he will be forced to make a choice, live every day with the agony of worry, or deal with the pain of starting over. That is a decision that all people who are cheated on and don't leave right away must face.

To be blunt if you want to stay together you best chance is to do everything in your power to be worth it. Right now he is probably desperate to save his family and is probably in shock, eventually he will recover and then be angry, and weighting the pain of staying with you against the risk of moving forward and being free of that pain, with the possibility of the promise of someone else who brings him joy. If you want to save your marriage, it's very important that you do everything in your power to provide him less pain. You need to understand just your presence is a trigger but going to the job will make the trigger worse.

I suggest you work very hard to find another job. In general it's still an employees market.

You probably won't like that answer but it's the truth.


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## Dictum Veritas

Firstly, if you, OP, were my wife, we'd be talking divorce and nothing else. That being said, if you are in daily contact with the POS other man, the affair is not over. You may not be sleeping with him, but your continued interaction is a daily slap in your husband's face. Your husband is going to wake up to this and you will come home to divorce papers one day soon.


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## colingrant

Kristy37 said:


> It first started on a business trip. Had been going on roughly 4 months. He suspected something and ask me and I confessed the truth. We have 2 kids. I have 1 coworker friend that knows.


Sometimes knowing what not to do is as much help if not more help in reconciliation. 

- Don't shift the blame to him. If marital issues existed, then they are marital issues. Period. Issues require patience, communication, therapy, love and then more patience and repeat if necessary. more patience and love. These are coping mechanisms and potential resolutions. You independently choose to betray your husbands and your family's trust, honor and promise to love and protect them. An affair means you made the decision to dishonor, disrespect and expose your husband and your family to personal, physical and emotional instability. 

- Don't be defensive. 

- Answer all questions truthfully. Even the ones that may embarrass or expose certain things within yourself you had no intention of showing him.

- Depending on his personality, he may or may not seek sympathy. I didn't want it when I was cheated on, but I'm finding many if not most men want reassured and nurtured. Personally, that infuriated me even more but I've found out that's not the norm. He'll show or tell you if he needs it. I think there's a 80% he will. 

- Don't confuse empathy, crying, makeup sex and telling him non stop that you're "sorry' with remorse. Remorse is an unmistakable consciousness the wayward has where they are 100% committed to aligning there emotions with the betrayed spouse. In other words they mindfully seek to understand the pain. depth and devastation they have caused and prioritize there spouses comfort by staying away, getting closer or providing the spouse whatever they may need. Not to confuse you but it may be sex and intimacy is the answer, but don't do this independently on your own. Learn to understand what he's going through and patiently obtain that as dutifully and caring as possible. 

- If you're inclined to ask him after 3, 6, 12 months or 2 years even when your marriage will return to its pre-affair state, you mind as well file for divorce and offer him the moon. There is NO place in reconciliation for the wayward spouse to have a timetable on the betrayed persons recovery. 

Additionally, his personal recovery is not to be confused with your marital recovery. It's very possible, if not probable it will never return to the pre-affair state. You will have to okay with this. Reconciling means you accept this new reality. 

- Speaking of recovery. Wayward spouses who seek reconciliation want to reconcile first and help there spouse recover at the same time. Truth be told, recovery should happen first and then reconciliation. False reconciliations happen frequently because the betrayed spouse is still traumatized and emotionally unstable while trying to reconcile. Once they recover they realize the foundation of the reconciliation was unfit for long term success. An example might be a person under duress signing a legal document. In court it won't stand because cognitively, elements were missing that enabled the signee from doing what's best for them. Help him recover then reconcile if he wants to. hELP HIM


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## SRCSRC

Obviously, you need to find another job. You must also notify your boyfriend's significant other about the affair. You are absolutely lucky your husband wants to work things out. You have a hell of a lot of work to do to make reconciliation possible. You owe him big time for the rest of the time the two of you are together on this earth. You have also jeopardized your children's well-being for your selfishness. Get into therapy with someone versed in infidelity. You cannot continue to have contact with your boyfriend.


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## AbsoluteBeginner

Krysty, first of all take all advice here with a grain of salt and don’t let others judge you or your husband.

Any solution proposed here will work for some couples and won’t work for most. That is because each couple is different. Each situation is different.

I agree that reconciliation is difficult. But this is less because of the graveness of the transgression and more because of the circumstances that led to it. Forgiving is the easy part if there’s still love. Do you really love if you cannot forgive?! The hard part is to change the relationship to be good for both (again).

The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. The underlying problems are the bigger danger to the ship. So you have to work through the questions why it happened and if you both are willing to make changes to have it not happen again. Some couples even arrive that extramarital affairs are not so much of a problem at all and open their relationship because they have other values than monogamy that are more important to them.

Others find that the marriage met the end, separate and pursue happiness by themselves.

I wish your family all the best and that you find your way.


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## Beach123

The only thing people here are assessing (not judging) are her actions she has stated and the words she chose to describe those actions.


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## Lynnsnake

Kristy37 said:


> New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.
> 
> 37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.
> 
> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


Why did you do it. How long did the affair go on. Where did you go to have sex with him. after work? Just need more details. Who was the aggressor, him or you? More details would be helpful.


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## Marc878

AbsoluteBeginner said:


> Krysty, first of all take all advice here with a grain of salt and don’t let others judge you or your husband.
> 
> Any solution proposed here will work for some couples and won’t work for most. That is because each couple is different. Each situation is different.
> 
> I agree that reconciliation is difficult. But this is less because of the graveness of the transgression and more because of the circumstances that led to it. Forgiving is the easy part if there’s still love. Do you really love if you cannot forgive?! The hard part is to change the relationship to be good for both (again).
> 
> The cheating is just the tip of the iceberg. The underlying problems are the bigger danger to the ship. So you have to work through the questions why it happened and if you both are willing to make changes to have it not happen again. Some couples even arrive that extramarital affairs are not so much of a problem at all and open their relationship because they have other values than monogamy that are more important to them.
> 
> Others find that the marriage met the end, separate and pursue happiness by themselves.
> 
> I wish your family all the best and that you find your way.


Smells like blaming the affair on the betrayed spouse. Nothing is more destructive than infidelity. It says the marriage, vows, etc weren’t worth preserving.
Everything is judged. Your post wreaks of judgment (Take all advice with a grain of salt) (won’t work for most)
Infidelity is very much the same. That’s why it’s often called the cheater script. They all follow the same script for the most part. Just change the names.
I agree. Take this post with a grain of salt.


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## jparistotle

Kristy37 said:


> It first started on a business trip. Had been going on roughly 4 months. He suspected something and ask me and I confessed the truth. We have 2 kids. I have 1 coworker friend that knows.


Sorry you are here but if you have one work friend that knows they all know. You AP and his work friends know and your work friend and his/her work friends know. Do not fool yourself. They have no allegance to you and whenever they see you husband. They already form an opininion on him. 
You say you are happily married but you cheated on your huband for 4 months. If you think he picked up that something was wrong, then your work "friends" als pick up qeues.


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## snowbum

Doesn’t sound like you really care too much tbh. Sounds like you want to keep working with him.


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## Casual Observer

RebuildingMe said:


> Your husband is a fool to accept this. You’re still
> working with and in contact with your affair partner? The economy is fantastic for people looking for work. Go find another job.


A different take is that she is the fool for believing economics, keeping her job where she interfaces with her AP, is more important than taking the painful steps needed to make it clear to her husband that things can work out.


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## Diceplayer

Casual Observer said:


> A different take is that she is the fool for believing economics, keeping her job where she interfaces with her AP, is more important than taking the painful steps needed to make it clear to her husband that things can work out.


Agree with this. Everyday that she goes to work, she is telling her husband that her job and her benefits are more important to her than her marriage or her husband . Affairs have consequences. Time to start paying them. Leave the job and contact your affair partner's wife and tell her what you have done. She deserves to know. And yes, if your husband wants to work things out, you are extremely lucky. A lot of other men would burn your world to the ground.


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## frenchpaddy

Lynnsnake said:


> Why did you do it. How long did the affair go on. Where did you go to have sex with him. after work? Just need more details. Who was the aggressor, him or you? More details would be helpful.


why would we need to know where they went to have sex , who said there was an aggressor, 
An affair need not even HAVE SEX IN IT TO BE WRONG


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## frenchpaddy

Diceplayer said:


> Agree with this. Everyday that she goes to work, she is telling her husband that her job and her benefits are more important to her than her marriage or her husband . Affairs have consequences. Time to start paying them. Leave the job and contact your affair partner's wife and tell her what you have done. She deserves to know. And yes, if your husband wants to work things out, you are extremely lucky. A lot of other men would burn your world to the ground.


I agree with all the points you made about leaving the job , I don't know if she should tell his wife , but her husband would be right to tell her , but I am open to any explaining why she should


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## SunCMars

My dear Christy,

You stated your case, you admitted guilt.

You stuck your neck out and the jury at TAM took the time to take your head off.

The jury was not hung, it was unanimously in favor of convicting you...with special malice.

The jury was not hung, they performed like very short-sighted weenies.

Yes, you need to get away from your affair partner, do that and the mud will eventually wash free.

You act cool, because you are cool, not a hot mess.

We are, what we are.

Thank you for being honest and good luck.


_King Brian-_


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## D0nnivain

Money or your marriage? You might not be able to have both. If your husband is willing to look past your dalliance the least you can do is stop working with temptation. If your family really can't take the financial hit, at the very least you best be sending out 5-10 resumes / applications for new jobs every day & doing whatever your husbands asks of you by way of transparency -- letting him review text messages, social media, emails, IMs, DMs, etc Your AP cannot be one of your social media friends / contacts not even on Linked In. You should check in with DH frequently regarding your whereabouts so he knows you are where you belong, not off in a hotel. Make a lot of his favorite meals & basically kiss his a$$ to make up for what you did.


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## manfromlamancha

So you faced no consequences?!?!? Your hubby just decided to forgive and work on the marriage?!?!? If that is the case, it doesn't matter if you leave your job or not - wherever you go, it will happen again (given the right circumstances).


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## sideways

Have you really thought this through? I mean truly thought this through??

Your husband knew something was going on and confronted you. I give you credit that you at least admitted it. Did you tell him everything?

Think about what this is doing to him. Every single day you're going to the office and he has NO idea what's going on. His mind is going to be a roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions that are going to flat out torture him. It's ABUSE!!

By choosing to remain at this job what you're telling him is you don't care. That $ is more important than him, your marriage and your family.

If (and I mean IF), his spirit and soul and well-being is important to you, and the stability of your family really means something (not just saying the words but enough so to take ACTION), then you would start looking for another job. Even if it means less $, that you have to potentially downgrade and sell your house and get into something more affordable, even if you have to move to another city, you do this because this is in the best interest of your husband and your marriage and your family even if he can't see this right now.

Going into the office every day (even if you don't see your AP at all) will NEVER sustain itself.

The word reconciliation is just a word. Right now your H is willing to attempt it, and there's no guarantee that it will be successful. You have to show him that you can be a safe partner even if he can't wrap his mind around this right now. He just wants this nightmare to go away and to go back to the way things were before.

This is basically sticking his head in the sand and rugsweeping this. At some point he's going to see that not only did you have an affair but after being caught you chose $ and benefits and the excuse of the job market over him and he's going to realize once again where he is in your pecking order. He may lie to himself and pretend it's OK but it's going to rear its head and it's going to slowly but surely strangle what's left of your marriage to death (which is hanging on by a thread right now).

Do NOT go to marriage counseling. That's a HORRIBLE idea!!

Your marriage didn't cheat you did. It would behoove you to get into counseling to figure out why you cheated. What's broken inside of you that you were willing to blow your family up?

Why are you here?

Sure you'll read some tough comments, but there's going to be a lot of wisdom conveyed to you that can truly help you if that's what you want??

Life is about the choices we make.

You obviously made a bunch of bad choices that have brought you to where you are right now. Consequences are tough. They ALWAYS are. If your Husband, your marriage and your kids mean EVERYTHING to you be grateful that you've been given an opportunity (and that's all it is) to try to heal your husband.

Look at it like this. Your Husband has been stabbed multiple times, and he's lying there bleeding to death, and YOU are the one that stabbed him.

What are you willing to do to try and save him?

Every day is filled with numerous choices. I would start with the choice to find a new job even if he says it's OK and even if it means you need to make some major changes to your life (move, downgrade homes etc).

I sure hope you stick around because you're going to need a lot of guidance to help navigate this nightmare that you brought on your husband and kids.


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## Kristy37

Lynnsnake said:


> Why did you do it. How long did the affair go on. Where did you go to have sex with him. after work? Just need more details. Who was the aggressor, him or you? More details would be helpful.


Sorry if I was light on details. Was a bit frantic when I first wrote this.

First off I accept totally I was wrong, selfish, and am the one that needs to make amends. We are in counseling now and I see a counselor 1 on 1 as well now.

I did it because I was immature and selfish. My husband was working a lot and we were going through the motions of life. The other man, who is divorced, pursued me and I found that validating and exciting. Again I say that knowing how selfish and immature it is.

We had sex on business trips and typically after work or during lunch, usually at his house.

Again I realize I broke the trust and could have ruined our lives, but my husband thinks we can work through and he wants to. So please say what you will about me, I deserve it. But please don't judge and insult my husband's decisions and actions.


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## Kristy37

Marc878 said:


> Smells like blaming the affair on the betrayed spouse. Nothing is more destructive than infidelity. It says the marriage, vows, etc weren’t worth preserving.
> Everything is judged. Your post wreaks of judgment (Take all advice with a grain of salt) (won’t work for most)
> Infidelity is very much the same. That’s why it’s often called the cheater script. They all follow the same script for the most part. Just change the names.
> I agree. Take this post with a grain of salt.


To be clear I place zero blame in my husband. This was a decision I made and take on all the responsibility for it.


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## Diana7

Two things. His wife/partner should be told and you must leave your job even it means a lower income. What is more important, your marriage or staying in your job? I am astounded your husband hasn't requested that at the very least.


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## Diana7

Di


Kristy37 said:


> Sorry if I was light on details. Was a bit frantic when I first wrote this.
> 
> First off I accept totally I was wrong, selfish, and am the one that needs to make amends. We are in counseling now and I see a counselor 1 on 1 as well now.
> 
> I did it because I was immature and selfish. My husband was working a lot and we were going through the motions of life. The other man, who is divorced, pursued me and I found that validating and exciting. Again I say that knowing how selfish and immature it is.
> 
> We had sex on business trips and typically after work or during lunch, usually at his house.
> 
> Again I realize I broke the trust and could have ruined our lives, but my husband thinks we can work through and he wants to. So please say what you will about me, I deserve it. But please don't judge and insult my husband's decisions and actions.


Did you have sex at your house in your bed? If so does your husband know?


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## Kristy37

Diana7 said:


> Di
> 
> Did you have sex at your house in your bed? If so does your husband know?


I'll say when was confronted and confessed to my husband I was totally honest. I did not want to continue lying to him and he deserved the truth. So there is nothing about what I did that he doesn't know.


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## Kristy37

Diana7 said:


> Two things. His wife/partner should be told and you must leave your job even it means a lower income. What is more important, your marriage or staying in your job? I am astounded your husband hasn't requested that at the very least.


I have been looking for a new job but not found anything similar yet.

My AP his divorced.


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## snowbum

You can’t work with a man you snuck off to have nooners with. You cannot do that. Did you don’t quit you will get a divorce. I can say with s 100% certainty if my husband worked with his affair partner while reconciling I’d file for divorce. If you stay you chose your f buddy.


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## Marc878

What are you feelings toward your AP now?


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## snowbum

Did you share positions? What you said? How you schemed to hide things from him? What you told the other guy? Did you like other guy better? I doubt you shared these things.if you didn’t like the other man more you wouldn’t have kept this going. Lunch break. Yuck.


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## snowbum

I think you killed your marriage it just has been called yet


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## Kristy37

Marc878 said:


> What are you feelings toward your AP now?


At first anger toward him. Wanting to blame him. But I realize he did not make me do anything or take advantage. It was my choices.


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## Butforthegrace

There is a book called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's considered sort of the bible of infidelity healing books. If you read that book, take it to heart, and do everything it says, you have taken the first baby step.

Healing from infidelity, especially the kind you describe which is highly sexual, can take years. Like 3-5 years. And there is no guarantee that even if you do everything 100% right, you will stay married in the end.

As others have intimated, the work is an issue. Every time you go to work, I can assure you, your BH's stomach is in knots, wondering if/when/where you will relapse and enjoy another quickie or tryst with the AP. The hours between leaving home and returning home are like slow torture for him. If your family relies on your income, then you of course need to be mindful about how you approach a change of employment. But continuing to work with the AP is untenable. You really do have to end it.

By the way, one thing I've seen done as proof to the husband of your remorse is a self-report to HR about the inappropriate workplace relationship. I'd strongly suggest it.

The other point is your husband's feelings of emasculation and sexual humiliation. It sounds like you invested a pretty high degree of energy and brio into the sexual aspect of your affair. You should be aware that this impacts men very profoundly. Many women don't grasp this. Under no circumstances should you minimize this. "It was just sex." "It didn't mean anything." "He wasn't very good/didn't get hard/had ED/I never orgasmed." None of that. If you went back repeatedly for sex, clearly you enjoyed the sex. Own it and be honest in a blunt, locker room manner.

Finally, never use the word "mistake". You didn't make a mistake. You made a series of choices, probably hundreds of them. Your task is to figure out what is messed up in your moral compass that led you to those choices and fix yourself. Clearly your moral judgment is broken.


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## frenchpaddy

Diana7 said:


> Two things. His wife/partner should be told and you must leave your job even it means a lower income. What is more important, your marriage or staying in your job? I am astounded your husband hasn't requested that at the very least.


 the other man was divorced


----------



## TexasMom1216

Kristy37 said:


> I'll say when was confronted and confessed to my husband I was totally honest. I did not want to continue lying to him and he deserved the truth. So there is nothing about what I did that he doesn't know.


So you got caught? Is that correct? I'm sorry if you've already said and I missed it.


----------



## Kristy37

Butforthegrace said:


> There is a book called "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It's considered sort of "the bible" of infidelity healing books. If you read that book, take it to heart, and do everything it says, you have taken the first baby step.
> 
> Healing from infidelity, especially the kind you describe which is highly sexual, can take years. Like 3-5 years. And there is no guarantee that even if you do everything 100% right, you will stay married in the end.
> 
> As others have intimated, the work is an issue. Every time you go to work, I can assure you, your BH's stomach is in knots, wondering if/when/where you will relapse and enjoy another quickie or tryst with the AP. The hours between leaving home and returning home are like slow torture for him. If your family relies on your income, then you of course need to be mindful about how you approach a change of employment. But continuing to work with the AP is untenable. You really do have to end it.
> 
> By the way, one thing I've seen done as proof to the husband of your remorse is a self-report to HR about the inappropriate workplace relationship. I'd strongly suggest it.
> 
> The other point is your husband's feelings of emasculation and sexual humiliation. It sounds like you invested a pretty high degree of energy and brio into the sexual aspect of your affair. You should be aware that this impacts men very profoundly. Many women don't grasp this. Under no circumstances should you minimize this. "It was just sex." "It didn't mean anything." "He wasn't very good/didn't get hard/had ED/I never orgasmed." None of that. If you went back repeatedly for sex, clearly you enjoyed the sex. Own it and be honest in a blunt, locker room manner.
> 
> Finally, never use the word "mistake". You didn't make a mistake. You made a series of choices, probably hundreds of them. Your task is to figure out what is messed up in your moral compass that led you to those choices and fix yourself. Clearly your moral judgment is broken.


Thank you so much. I have never heard of that book but will get it.

I have not minimized the sexual aspect. Have been honest as I can be. Also never say mistake. Always try to say my choices and decisions.

As far as work, I offered to quite but our budget doesn't allow it right now. I have applied for other jobs.


----------



## Kristy37

TexasMom1216 said:


> So you got caught? Is that correct? I'm sorry if you've already said and I missed it.


He suspected something was going on. He confronted me. I confessed all to him. So not truly caught but I did not come clean on my own either.


----------



## Marc878

Kristy37 said:


> At first anger toward him. Wanting to blame him. But I realize he did not make me do anything or take advantage. It was my choices.


You will realize at some point he didn’t care much about you or your family, etc. He was interested in self gratification. Unfortunately you were the gate keeper so your actions were worse.
You are correct he was taking only what you were giving.

Unless you find your way back your marriage and family are in jeopardy. It sounds like you are at least on the right path. It’s important to understand as much as possible. Your end and your husbands. Infidelity is extremely destructive and may not manifest itself until later.

As I said before things can change. Your husband is probably on a roller coaster.
Upfront most betrayed spouses just want their waywards back without thinking about what they are getting back. That can come later. Your actions, etc will be crucial. 

I hope you have a decent counselor. Many are not. If they come across trying to put some blame on your husband you would be wise to find another. They are not Gods. It’s on your dime.

Affairs from what I’ve seen stem from poor boundaries. If you walk on the ledge you can fall off. If you don’t go near the ledge you can’t.


----------



## TAMAT

Kristy,

Did you write out a timeline for your BH? Offer to take a polygraph?

Get tested for STDs?

If the OM is your Boss report him to Personnel, make him leave the job.

The OM is divorced and likely a serial cheater expose him to his parents, family and etc or have your BH do so.

There has to be a cost to the OM is your BH larger than him?


----------



## Sfort

Kristy37 said:


> He suspected something was going on. He confronted me. I confessed all to him. So not truly caught but I did not come clean on my own either.


A lot of people here are going to beat you up. It's the way we work. However, you may have a lot to offer this group if you will endure the lashings and stick around. The benefit is that you will learn everything you want to know about yourself, your husband, and your AP. Keep an open mind. This group is full of experts on the topic. Most of them have great advice.


----------



## Kristy37

TAMAT said:


> Kristy,
> 
> Did you write out a timeline for your BH? Offer to take a polygraph?
> 
> Get tested for STDs?
> 
> If the OM is your Boss report him to Personnel, make him leave the job.
> 
> The OM is divorced and likely a serial cheater expose him to his parents, family and etc or have your BH do so.
> 
> There has to be a cost to the OM is your BH larger than him?


1. Did not write out a timeline but I would if he wanted me to. We have discussed it chronologically several times.

2. Have not been tested but thats a good idea that i hadn't considered.

3/4. AP is not my boss, we don't even work in the same department. But no why would I do any of that? Because I made a terrible choice he should be destroyed? He may not be a good person but he didn't lie or break any promises. Wouldn't this be deflected my guilt off me and onto him? Plus what kind of rabbit boiling psycho goes to someone's parents?

5. How would it be good for my husband to become more involved in anyway with my AP? This is like saying to my husband it wasn't me! the AP did this to us. No, I did this to us.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Do you have kids? How long have you been married? How old are you two?


----------



## snowbum

It’s very telling you don’t AP destroyed. Protecting him is not a good sign.


----------



## Kristy37

snowbum said:


> It’s very telling you don’t AP destroyed. Protecting him is not a good sign.


I'm not protecting him at all. But destroying him would require me to invest even more time and energy into him and wouldn't do anything for my marriage. I think I've done that enough already.


----------



## frenchpaddy

it sounds like you want her husband to go give him a black eye ,lol


----------



## snowbum

Did you tell him you love him? You put the time and energy into destroying your husband.


----------



## Marc878

What did your AP say when you told him you confessed?

You traveled together and obviously worked together even if he’s not in your department. How are you handling that now?


----------



## Marc878

Kristy37 said:


> I'm not protecting him at all. But destroying him would require me to invest even more time and energy into him and wouldn't do anything for my marriage. I think I've done that enough already.


This area is up to her husband at this point. She should follow his wishes.


----------



## Butforthegrace

A few other notes:

As said above, get tested for STD's. Your BH also needs to get tested. Do it again in 6 months.

I think you realize that your AP just wanted sex from you, nothing else. You gave him that, NSA. I point this out because this is ultimately the so-called "s#!t sandwich" your BH will have to swallow in order to remain married to you. Assuming your wedding vows were pretty typical, this is something you made a solemn promise, in front of God and your families, that you would never do. I can't emphasize enough that the dynamic of a cheating wife eagerly giving sexual pleasure to another man, who gives nothing in return, while the husband is busy trying to support his family and be a father, "earning" his status as husband and lover, this is a very, very difficult pill for any man to swallow. As I said above, this will eat at him for years. Frankly, even if you stay married, it will be a permanent plus one in your marriage. Are you a long distance runner. Are you prepared, 20 years from now, to see the flicker of pain and humiliation in your BH's eye when he happens to stumble upon a trigger?

As you note, right now he's in the roller coaster phase. That's likely to continue for even a year or more. At some point, though, he's going to realize that the woman he is married to is the kind of person who will lie, sneak, and manipulate, specifically for the purpose of having adulterous sex. As part of empathy, you need to ask yourself whether you would choose to be married to a man who is the type of man to do that. You also need to recognize that you are in fact that type of person. The cheating type. It's way too soon for you to have figured out what is messed up in your moral character and fixed it. 

Your BH was in the same marriage and presumably he didn't solve the marriage issue by having sex with another woman. At some point he's going to start focusing on that dynamic. Will you have the patience and humility to see that in his eyes for years? These are important questions to ask yourself, because by engaging in R, you are essentially telling your BH that you are ready for this.

As to the written timeline, that is often recommended, but it should be up to your BH whether he wants it. Affairs like yours involve a lot of lying. As painful as it is to learn the details via a timeline, often the restoration of honesty outweighs the pain. Most recommend that you sit in front of your BH and read it to him, so that you can see the pain it causes.


----------



## Marc878

Marc878 said:


> This area is up to her husband at this point. She should follow his wishes.


As with any forum take what you need. Leave the rest.


----------



## Kristy37

I agree with all this and no I do not think I fully understand my moral failings, all I can say at this point is I'm committed to do so.


----------



## Diana7

Kristy37 said:


> I'll say when was confronted and confessed to my husband I was totally honest. I did not want to continue lying to him and he deserved the truth. So there is nothing about what I did that he doesn't know.


So yes then. Are you getting rid of the bed?


----------



## Evinrude58

You never said why the affair ended. Why have your feelings for your AP changed?

Why should your husband ever trust you again?

You Said your marriage was just kinda going through the motions if I recall correctly. Why was that? Why weren’t you in love with uiur husband and shy do you feel you are now?

just some things I’d want to know if I were him.


----------



## snowbum

It sounds like you really don’t understand the pain. You haven’t used love when speaking about your husband.


----------



## snowbum

I’m not a ***** by nature and not perfect. But something about this particular situation seems so cold and unfeeling. Your friend at work knows? I bet a lot more people know.


----------



## Ursula

Kristy37 said:


> Sorry if I was light on details. Was a bit frantic when I first wrote this.
> 
> First off I accept totally I was wrong, selfish, and am the one that needs to make amends. We are in counseling now and I see a counselor 1 on 1 as well now.
> 
> I did it because I was immature and selfish. My husband was working a lot and we were going through the motions of life. The other man, who is divorced, pursued me and I found that validating and exciting. Again I say that knowing how selfish and immature it is.
> 
> We had sex on business trips and typically after work or during lunch, usually at his house.
> 
> Again I realize I broke the trust and could have ruined our lives, but my husband thinks we can work through and he wants to. So please say what you will about me, I deserve it. But please don't judge and insult my husband's decisions and actions.


I haven't read many replies at this point, but with this post and the sentiments behind it, I really do feel like you feel badly, are willing to make amends, and are on the right track to fixing things with your husband. The only thing that I would say to do is to actively look for another job. OK maybe you can't just up and quit yours due to economic reasons, but look for another so that you can put space between yourself and your affair partner. It's going to be tempting for you guys because you still work together, and your husband is always going to be on high alert while you're around the other man.


----------



## Kristy37

Ursula said:


> I haven't read many replies at this point, but with this post and the sentiments behind it, I really do feel like you feel badly, are willing to make amends, and are on the right track to fixing things with your husband. The only thing that I would say to do is to actively look for another job. OK maybe you can't just up and quit yours due to economic reasons, but look for another so that you can put space between yourself and your affair partner. It's going to be tempting for you guys because you still work together, and your husband is always going to be on high alert while you're around the other man.


Thank you for the kind reply and I agree with all you said.


----------



## Ursula

Kristy37 said:


> Thank you for the kind reply and I agree with all you said.


 You're welcome, I've taken more of a tour through the thread, and while it may not be the popular opinion, I do think that you're on the right track. Just keep moving forward and being transparent with your husband. Keep up the marriage and individual counselling. Marriage doesn't always survive infidelity, but the fact that you both are willing to work so hard on your marriage speaks volumes.


----------



## Kristy37

Ursula said:


> You're welcome, I've taken more of a tour through the thread, and while it may not be the popular opinion, I do think that you're on the right track. Just keep moving forward and being transparent with your husband. Keep up the marriage and individual counselling. Marriage doesn't always survive infidelity, but the fact that you both are willing to work so hard on your marriage speaks volumes.


Well thank you. We really are committed. I can undo what I have done so just focusing on how to get better.


----------



## D0nnivain

I'm stuck on the work thing. I am glad you are looking for a new job. Look harder. 

If you can avoid it, do not go on more overnight business trips with your AP. If you are required to travel, make sure you are in constant contact with your husband. I'm talking about texting him every hour & calling him before bed, in the middle of the night to prove you are alone & 1st thing when you wake up. You need to do everything in your power to reassure the poor guy. Heck invite him on the business trip. He can sit in the hotel or use the pool or sightsee while you are in meetings. But he needs actions to show him he's your priority. 

I applaud you for taking responsibility & trying to fix this.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Ursula said:


> I haven't read many replies at this point, but with this post and the sentiments behind it, I really do feel like you feel badly, are willing to make amends, and are on the right track to fixing things with your husband. The only thing that I would say to do is to actively look for another job. OK maybe you can't just up and quit yours due to economic reasons, but look for another so that you can put space between yourself and your affair partner. It's going to be tempting for you guys because you still work together, and your husband is always going to be on high alert while you're around the other man.


It is highly likely that she does not even say hello to the ex lover now when they pass ways at work unless they have to out of work respect , more than likely she holds him in detest but still mixed feelings for him , but a change of job would be best and I would be suprised if the others at her work don't know , but if it was like here in France we would not care .


----------



## Kristy37

snowbum said:


> Did you tell him you love him? You put the time and energy into destroying your husband.


I never told my AP I loved him and he never told me that. Wasnt like that.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Kristy37 said:


> Well thank you. We really are committed. I can undo what I have done so just focusing on how to get better.


you are lucky to have a husband , the last time i looked up the numbers for another debate a few years ago 
about 80 of men divorce women that cheat , but only 40 percent of women divorce cheating men , but judging by TAM these numbers are not right , so I don't know 
It is grate that both you are putting in the effort to rebuild your relationship , it will never be as it was 
having said that it could well be better than before, you would learn a lot strangely from the swinging lifestyle people but I am not going to suggest that to you but I AM ONLY TALKING FROM THE SIDE of how they deal with building trust and how them talk and live their life,

YOU said you can undo what you did , I think not it will be something that at least one of one will have over your head for ever more , you need to build your husbands trust every day for the rest of time together . the day you get help up and he is at home waiting for you he is going to be twice as worried ,


----------



## Kristy37

Marc878 said:


> What did your AP say when you told him you confessed?
> 
> You traveled together and obviously worked together even if he’s not in your department. How are you handling that now?


He just said he would back off. Realy didn't discuss it much beyond that. I avoid him as best as I can. Fortunately only around him in group settings.


----------



## RebuildingMe

As a guy who divorced two exs due to cheating, I can’t relate to reconciliation. I tried it, I couldn’t do it. I have nothing to add. I hope you and your husband can make it work. You sound like you are sincere in owning up to your behavior. I don’t know if you two have kids? Is there a chance they are not your husband’s kids?


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> I never told my AP I loved him and he never told me that. Wasnt like that.


Did you and your AP have unprotected sex?

Did you do things (sexually) with him that you never would do (or wouldn't do) with your husband?

These are questions that your husband is going to want to know.


----------



## Kristy37

RebuildingMe said:


> As a guy who divorced two exs due to cheating, I can’t relate to reconciliation. I tried it, I couldn’t do it. I have nothing to add. I hope you and your husband can make it work. You sound like you are sincere in owning up to your behavior. I don’t know if you two have kids? Is there a chance they are not your husband’s kids?


We have 2. They are definitely my husband's kids.


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> Did you and your AP have unprotected sex?
> 
> Did you do things (sexually) with him that you never would do (or wouldn't do) with your husband?
> 
> These are questions that your husband is going to want to know.


The answer to both your questions is yes we did.

My husband knows this and we have discussed it a lot in therapy and at home.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Kristy37 said:


> We have 2. They are definitely my husband's kids.


Depending on the timeline, your husband may have doubts about this though. If not now, in the future.


----------



## sideways

And I don't think you answered Diana's question.

Did you have sex with your AP in your home?


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> And I don't think you answered Diana's question.
> 
> Did you have sex with your AP in your home?


Yes I did.


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> The answer to both your questions is yes we did.
> 
> My husband knows this and we have discussed it a lot in therapy and at home.


I can only speak for myself, but as a man (and a husband), knowing my wife not only cheated but also did things sexually with him that she wouldn't do with me would end it for me. I'd file for divorce immediately and there would be no attempt at reconciling. 

Obviously I'm not your husband but that's going to be hard for him to deal with.


----------



## uwe.blab

Kristy37 said:


> Sorry if I was light on details. Was a bit frantic when I first wrote this.
> 
> First off I accept totally I was wrong, selfish, and am the one that needs to make amends. We are in counseling now and I see a counselor 1 on 1 as well now.
> 
> I did it because I was immature and selfish. My husband was working a lot and we were going through the motions of life. The other man, who is divorced, pursued me and I found that validating and exciting. Again I say that knowing how selfish and immature it is.
> 
> We had sex on business trips and typically after work or during lunch, usually at his house.
> 
> Again I realize I broke the trust and could have ruined our lives, but my husband thinks we can work through and he wants to. So please say what you will about me, I deserve it. But please don't judge and insult my husband's decisions and actions.


How was it? 

I have never been in an affair. 

Did you think it was fun at the time? Did you consider him more exciting than your husband? Did it ever cross your mind to leave your husband for this man?


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> I can only speak for myself, but as a man (and a husband), knowing my wife not only cheated but also did things sexually with him that she wouldn't do with me would end it for me. I'd file for divorce immediately and there would be no attempt at reconciling.
> 
> Obviously I'm not your husband but that's going to be hard for him to deal with.


I know it is hard. Is why I was fully honest abd let the choice be his. No secrets anymore or trying to control the situation.


----------



## RebuildingMe

This is about as bad as they come. All of your answers would be dealbreaking for me. I could never come back from any one of these, let alone all of them. You are being brutally honest with him, which is great. He needs to know what he is potentially forgiving.


----------



## Kristy37

uwe.blab said:


> How was it?
> 
> I have never been in an affair.
> 
> Did you think it was fun at the time? Did you consider him more exciting than your husband? Did it ever cross your mind to leave your husband for this man?


I'll be honest the sex was very good and exciting. But no I never considered leaving my husband. It never had feelings for my AP lile that. I was very selfish.


----------



## Kristy37

RebuildingMe said:


> This is about as bad as they come. All of your answers would be dealbreaking for me. I could never come back from any one of these, let alone all of them. You are being brutally honest with him, which is great. He needs to know what he is potentially forgiving.


Yes it is terrible but he deserves the full truth.


----------



## snowbum

If you’re not in the same dept why are you in group settings? Do you mean social settings? Total disconnection is a must


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> Yes I did.


I appreciate your honesty.

This too would end it for me. Bringing another man into my safe haven, my kids home, and into our marital bed?? I would never be able to step foot into my home again. The entire home would be defiled to me.

Bringing your AP into your home and bed is the ultimate F YOU to your husband.

NO respect!!
It's VINDICTIVE and ANGER and aggressiveness pointed at your husband and to then have unprotected sex with your AP and doing sexual things with this loser that you wouldn't do with your husband is F'n messed up!! Did you even wash the sheets afterwards?

What was running through your mind afterwards being in bed with your husband after committing adultery with another man in the marital bed?

You are obviously broken and I commend you for trying to find out why you're broken. I don't think you'll ever be able to grasp what you've done to your husband.

He will NEVER be the same!! Which means your kids will NEVER get the best of him.


----------



## snowbum

You betrayed your husband repeatedly with a guy you really didn’t like and still see. I think your husband deserves to be set free. If you cheated for cheap sec and no connection you’ll probably do it again.


----------



## EleGirl

*Hello everyone,*

*I know that some posters here on TAM are triggered by the topic of this thread. *

*@Kristy37 posted here to get support in helping her husband deal with a bad thing she did. She's also here trying to understand her own actions. *

*To those of you beating up on her, this will not help her, her husband, or her children. So, STOP IT!!!*


----------



## snowbum

Wait? You did this in your home ? Oh hell no. This is beyond bad. It sounds like you just want to move on as nothing happened. You can’t undo this


----------



## Works

@Kristy37

I am not sure if you already mentioned, but, if I may ask... what was the reason you stepped out of your marriage?

Also, I commend you for still responding back given some of the things others here have said. Some newbies (like myself years ago) wouldn't be able to handle it and stop commenting.


----------



## RebuildingMe

snowbum said:


> Wait? You did this in your home ? Oh hell no. This is beyond bad. It sounds like you just want to move on as nothing happened. You can’t undo this


This is going to be a tough thread, obviously. I don’t get the feeling that OP is looking to just “move on”. Other than quitting her job (which she should do immediately), she’s showing remorse and being honest with her husband. She’s posting on here and, hopefully, has already ordered “how to help your spouse heal”. I believe she also said she is in therapy.


----------



## Kristy37

Works said:


> @Kristy37
> 
> I am not sure if you already mentioned, but, if I may ask... what was the reason you stepped out of your marriage?
> 
> Also, I commend you for still responding back given some of the things others here have said. Some newbies (like myself years ago) wouldn't be able to handle it and stop commenting.


Well I almost stopped but then figured I won't get through this the easy way.

No singular reason. It was selfishness on my part. Our marriage was fine but in a rut of just living and working. The other man was very exciting and until this my husband had been my only man so some curiosity too.


----------



## Livvie

EleGirl said:


> *Hello everyone,*
> 
> *I know that some posters here on TAM are triggered by the topic of this thread. *
> 
> *@Kristy37 posted here to get support in helping her husband deal with a bad thing she did. She's also here trying to understand her own actions. *
> 
> *To those of you beating up on her, this will not help her, her husband, or her children. So, STOP IT!!!*


I haven't yet posted in this thread 

I did notice OP in starting this thread said she "wanted to talk about it", not that she wants support helping her husband.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Works said:


> Also, I commend you for still responding back given some of the things others here have said. Some newbies (like myself years ago) wouldn't be able to handle it and stop commenting.


Same. Lots of people here have been cheated on and are still hurting. That you're being calm and answering their questions makes me believe you really are sorry for what you've done. I can imagine what your husband is going through, it has to be really hard for him, especially since you can't quit your job (which I understand, I agree you should find a new one ASAP but get that you can't just up and quit). I can't really give you advice because I've never been where you are (or where your husband is) but I'm glad you're in therapy and I hope you realize that you can't "undo" this. It will never be like it was before, but that doesn't have to mean it can't ever be good again.


----------



## sideways

I appreciate your honesty Kristy.

And you're right your husband deserves to know the truth. You're definitely doing a lot of things right at this juncture. 

There are as EleGirl mentioned a lot of people triggered being that TAM deals with infidelity and I'm assuming one of the reasons you came here.

Are you here for help? 

People (like myself) are asking questions so that we have a better idea about your situation. There are people on here who have successfully reconciled who can help you. Just because others chose not to R (like myself) doesn't mean that we can't help you.

I think the betrayed spouses here can help you get a better idea what your husband is going through. Now and as you move forward. 

Nobody wants to run you off nor stone you. I hope you stick around because it will help you.

How old are your children?

Do they know something is going on?


----------



## EleGirl

Livvie said:


> I haven't yet posted in this thread
> 
> I did notice OP in starting this thread said she "wanted to talk about it", not that she wants support helping her husband.


Almost no one who opens a thread here on TAM says all that they have to say in the opening post. She mentioned it in other posts. the point is that beating up on her will not help anything except let some people let off steam.


----------



## bobert

Some people are clearly too triggered to be posting anything helpful.

Yeah having an affair is bad. Having a work affair is bad. Taking the affair into the marital home and bed is bad. Unprotected sex is bad. Doing things with the OM that you won't do with your husband, pretty typical but also bad.

It's up to the BS to decide what he can handle.

My wife did all of the above and coming up on 4 years later I really don't think about what she was doing in this house or what she was doing in general. It's not like I forgot about it but I just don't think about it much and I'm not triggered to all hell just reading this (though I could be if not careful). It wasn't easy getting to that point but some people can.

So again, it's up to the BS to decide what he can handle and when to tap out.


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> I appreciate your honesty Kristy.
> 
> And you're right your husband deserves to know the truth. You're definitely doing a lot of things right at this juncture.
> 
> There are as EleGirl mentioned a lot of people triggered being that TAM deals with infidelity and I'm assuming one of the reasons you came here.
> 
> Are you here for help?
> 
> People (like myself) are asking questions so that we have a better idea about your situation. There are people on here who have successfully reconciled who can help you. Just because others chose not to R (like myself) doesn't mean that we can't help you.
> 
> I think the betrayed spouses here can help you get a better idea what your husband is going through. Now and as you move forward.
> 
> Nobody wants to run you off nor stone you. I hope you stick around because it will help you.
> 
> How old are your children?
> 
> Do they know something is going on?


Thank you so much. I do want help for my husband and for us.

Have kids 13 and 11. They have an idea but my husband and i have told them it isn't their concern and we love each other.


----------



## jsmart

Kristy37 said:


> I did it because I was immature and selfish. *My husband was working a lot and we were going through the motions of life*. T*he other man, who is divorced, pursued me and I found that validating and exciting.* Again I say that knowing how selfish and immature it is.
> 
> *We had sex on business trips and typically after work or during lunch, usually at his house.*


It must have been intoxicating to be this guys sex toy for those 4 months. Sneaking off on your lunch break or after work for a quickie had to be addicting. How have you turned off your feelings for this guy? What has changed that now this guy's attention will no longer have a pull on you? Is there still a part of you that gets turned on when you see him and think back on your time together? 

Speaking of wife and mother, what has changed in your marriage that you now view your hardworking husband as
desirable again? Is he still the same guy who's putting in long hours to provide for the family? You found that new
guy much more exciting, how are you now supposed to only be your husband's woman again?

When coworkers have an affair and then stop because of they had a d day (discovery day), it is VERY common for the affair to restart after the smoke clears if they're still working together. I'm sure you're going to say, "no, not me. I've learned my lesson." But that's not usually what happens in real life. Just know that your husband's mind is wondering about what you're doing at work all the time. Even if he doesn't bring it up, he's non-stop thinking about you and that guy. When you have sex with your husband, I hope you're not thinking of other guy. But you're husband probably has mind movies of what you did with OM. I've read that for some guys it gets so bad that they lose their erection in the middle of sex. One minute he's enjoy the sex or BJ, then next he's picturing the other guy doing those things with you.

I tell you this, so that you're aware of some of the things that you're husband is going through. I don't know if it's because English is not your 1st language but your post don't read like a wife who is really torn up about what she's done to her husband and father of her kids. I feel a disconnect in your words. I hope that in real life you're making an effort to make your husband feel wanted.


----------



## Kristy37

bobert said:


> Some people are clearly too triggered to be posting anything helpful.
> 
> Yeah having an affair is bad. Having a work affair is bad. Taking the affair into the marital home and bed is bad. Unprotected sex is bad. Doing things with the OM that you won't do with your husband, pretty typical but also bad.
> 
> It's up to the BS to decide what he can handle.
> 
> My wife did all of the above and coming up on 4 years later I really don't think about what she was doing in this house or what she was doing in general. It's not like I forgot about it but I just don't think about it much and I'm not triggered to all hell just reading this (though I could be if not careful). It wasn't easy getting to that point but some people can.
> 
> So again, it's up to the BS to decide what he can handle and when to tap out.


Thank you for saying that. I'm totally honest with him now and he is adamant he wants us to try to work it out. For those saying I should let him free, i have and he didn't leave.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Kristy37 said:


> Yes it is terrible but he deserves the full truth.


The fact that you brought the other man into your marital home, your husbands home, and betrayed him in his own home and his own bed- indicates a fundamental lack of respect for your husband.

This wasn’t just a selfish lapse of judgment, the degree of betrayal here shows a deep lack of respect for your husband as a man.

And I’m not putting that lack of respect on you (obviously the betrayal is on you). You don’t owe anyone your respect, but if you’re don’t respect your husband as a man, why bother trying to reconcile?

Do you really even want to remain with a husband you have so little respect for as to betray him to this degree?

Is that being addressed?


----------



## Kristy37

jsmart said:


> It must have been intoxicating to be this guys sex toy for those 4 months. Sneaking off on your lunch break or after work for a quickie had to be addicting. How have you turned off your feelings for this guy? What has changed that now this guy's attention will no longer have a pull on you? Is there still a part of you that gets turned on when you see him and think back on your time together?
> 
> Speaking of wife and mother, what has changed in your marriage that you now view your hardworking husband as
> desirable again? Is he still the same guy who's putting in long hours to provide for the family? You found that new
> guy much more exciting, how are you now supposed to only be your husband's woman again?
> 
> When coworkers have an affair and then stop because of they had a d day (discovery day), it is VERY common for the affair to restart after the smoke clears if they're still working together. I'm sure you're going to say, "no, not me. I've learned my lesson." But that's not usually what happens in real life. Just know that your husband's mind is wondering about what you're doing at work all the time. Even if he doesn't bring it up, he's non-stop thinking about you and that guy. When you have sex with your husband, I hope you're not thinking of other guy. But you're husband probably has mind movies of what you did with OM. I've read that for some guys it gets so bad that they lose their erection in the middle of sex. One minute he's enjoy the sex or BJ, then next he's picturing the other guy doing those things with you.
> 
> I tell you this, so that you're aware of some of the things that you're husband is going through. I don't know if it's because English is not your 1st language but your post don't read like a wife who is really torn up about what she's done to her husband and father of her kids. I feel a disconnect in your words. I hope that in real life you're making an effort to make your husband feel wanted.


I have admitted to my husband the sex with the other man was exciting and pleasurable. I am still physically attracted to him but as a person and seeing what I have caused in my husband and what I put at risk has allowed me to disengage from the AP.

My husband hasnt changed. He is still amazing. I got bored and instead of talking to him about it I let things fester and then selfishly had an affair.

I am looking for a new job, I agree it just presents unneeded risks to our future to stay there.

Right now we are in the hysterical bonding phase so hubby and I have been having a lot of sex. When he or I have thought we immediately discuss them, even if they come up during sex. It has often been brutal but so far it seems to be what we need. Open honest immediate communication about everything.


----------



## Works

Kristy37 said:


> Well I almost stopped but then figured I won't get through this the easy way.
> 
> No singular reason. It was selfishness on my part. Our marriage was fine but in a rut of just living and working. The other man was very exciting and until this my husband had been my only man so some curiosity too.


Thank you for being honest and not stopping.


----------



## Ursula

EleGirl said:


> Almost no one who opens a thread here on TAM says all that they have to say in the opening post. She mentioned it in other posts. the point is that beating up on her will not help anything except let some people let off steam.


And some people just thrive on drama, whether it be their own or someone else's, and will post and post, creating nothing but more drama and issues.


----------



## Kristy37

Ursula said:


> And some people just thrive on drama, whether it be their own or someone else's, and will post and post, creating nothing but more drama and issues.


Trying to ignore those that seem to be most angry at my husband for not leaving me.

Thank you for the support.


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> Thank you so much. I do want help for my husband and for us.
> 
> Have kids 13 and 11. They have an idea but my husband and i have told them it isn't their concern and we love each other.


Is your husband sharing his feelings with you (alone or in counseling) or is he bottling things up?

Has he broken down in front of you (crying)?

Has he shared his thoughts with you and what he's dealing with knowing you're in the office with this guy?

Since the discovery have you and your husband been intimate with each other?

You know (or do you know about) hysterical bonding?

I like that you're not trying to control the situation and trying to control the outcome. 

Kristy has your husband told anyone? Friends or family? Not to throw you under the bus but for support?

How long have the two of you been married?

Since you've been in a committed relationship with your husband (besides this affair) have you ever been with any other men (physically or emotionally)?

How committed are you to trying to get yourself fixed and to healing your husband. They say it takes 2-5 years. Are you in this for the long haul?

I will also say that I'm proud of you for answering these tough questions. 

Do you feel that therapy has helped you and your husband thus far? How often are you going?

Does your husband know about TAM?


----------



## bobert

Kristy37 said:


> Trying to ignore those that seem to be most angry at my husband for not leaving me.
> 
> Thank you for the support.


If there are people you don't want to hear from, you can put them on ignore. Hover over or tap their username, then the three dots, then ignore.


----------



## Butforthegrace

bobert said:


> Yeah having an affair is bad. Having a work affair is bad. Taking the affair into the marital home and bed is bad. Unprotected sex is bad. Doing things with the OM that you won't do with your husband, pretty typical but also bad.


Betrayed men often tend to be very focused on the sexual aspects/details. Most of the men here (including me) are betrayed men. As you can see, some men here still have a high degree of trauma, sexual humiliation, and emasculation. Those facets of your affair are sort of the holy trinity, the "worst of the worst" a cheating wife can do in terms of inflicting this type of trauma on a betrayed husband.

As you see, some men here are highly triggered by your mere presence here. Others have personal stories showing that R is possible, even after the worst of the worst.

I do wish you the best. I think you're brave for coming here and exposing yourself in this context. I'll be interested to see where this goes. It's still brand new in terms of process. As I mentioned above, this is a marathon, not a sprint. Years, not months. In the interim, it's likely your BH will experience wild vacillations in terms of his emotions. Among other things, he should experience a lot of anger. Rage even. I mention this because if he does not express rage toward you, including vulgar epithets and such, you should worry. It means he's bottling it up inside, which is a bad thing to do with rage if one wishes to heal from it. You should watch for that in the coming 2-10 months.

Another common symptom experienced by BH with this degree of sexual trauma is ED or some similar type of sexual dysfunction or inability. It is likely that sex, with you, is going to be a very big deal for your BH in many different ways. To that end, I often use a cake analogy. If your BH has previously told you that he likes chocolate layer cake, but you didn't in the past bake these for him because you said you didn't enjoy it, your BH probably accepted that and honored your expressed feelings. But if he finds out you baked a lot of chocolate layer cakes for the AP, and enjoyed doing it, he's going to be hugely triggered. Among other things, if you now attempt to bake chocolate layer cakes for your BH, he's going to have a difficult time believing that the sentiment behind it is not ersatz. He may gag at the sight and smell of any cake you bake for him at present (at least after HB passes).

It boils down to an element of affair recovery that I call the "ephemeral matter of the heart". End of the day, if your BH can't believe, in his heart, that your sexual desire for him is genuine and passionate, it's unlikely the marriage will last in the long run. I don't have any magic formula to suggest for this. The heart feels what it feels -- meaning, your BH's heart will either believe your desire for him is true, or it won't. It's a gamble for both you and your BH at this point. However I would submit that your high odds play is to start baking those chocolate layer cakes for your BH as often as you can, as enthusiastically as you can, in every conceivable location and position and time of day you can think of, over and over again, making it clear to him that this is the thing you wish to be doing more than any other thing.

I would suggest also that you make it a point -- a ritual even -- to rid the family home of every horcrux of the affair. If you has sex in the marital bed, throw it away and replace it. Or couch. Also, any gifts from the AP, any lingerie you purchased to wear with the AP, any mementos. Burn them. Offer to fund the replacement of these objects by selling something that is precious to you -- perhaps a keepsake from a deceased family member.


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> Is your husband sharing his feelings with you (alone or in counseling) or is he bottling things up?
> 
> Has he broken down in front of you (crying)?
> 
> Has he shared his thoughts with you and what he's dealing with knowing you're in the office with this guy?
> 
> Since the discovery have you and your husband been intimate with each other?
> 
> You know (or do you know about) hysterical bonding?
> 
> I like that you're not trying to control the situation and trying to control the outcome.
> 
> Kristy has your husband told anyone? Friends or family? Not to throw you under the bus but for support?
> 
> How long have the two of you been married?
> 
> Since you've been in a committed relationship with your husband (besides this affair) have you ever been with any other men (physically or emotionally)?
> 
> How committed are you to trying to get yourself fixed and to healing your husband. They say it takes 2-5 years. Are you in this for the long haul?
> 
> I will also say that I'm proud of you for answering these tough questions.
> 
> Do you feel that therapy has helped you and your husband thus far? How often are you going?
> 
> Does your husband know about TAM?


1. My husband shares his feeling at hime and in therapy with me several times a day now.
2. He cried early on but not since then.
3. It of course bothers him a great deal that i still work with the man. We discuss dit often and i call and text him throughout the workday.
4. We have been intimately everyday and are in hysterical bonding now I believe.
5. He has told his mother and she has been a great supporter of our efforts to work it out.
6. Married 14 years.
7. This is my only affair.
8. I don't care if this takes 10 year. I'm committed.


----------



## Ursula

Kristy37 said:


> Trying to ignore those that seem to be most angry at my husband for not leaving me.
> Thank you for the support.


Some people are very triggered by certain conversations, and some just like stirring the pot. Most here though just want to help, even if they ask the hard questions in order to gain more info to help out more. You will get to know who's who the longer you stick around.

When I first arrived here with my own situation, I was beat down by a lot of people. Insulted, put down, made to feel like pretty terrible person, and I almost left because of that. It was really eye-opening to go somewhere to get help and not really get much of it. Or, it didn't feel that way anyways. Turns out that many of those people had been where I was and just wanted me to open my eyes and see things as they were. Turns out that they were right.

So, stick around, learn some stuff and keep posting. You and your husband have 2 options with the situion: you'll choose to get through it, or you'll choose to separate. Hard work, honesty and time will tell, but in the meantime most of us are here to help you and your family out.


----------



## RebuildingMe

There are quite a few members here that have reconciled. I’m sure you will get some help and advice. Most of us men have been in your husbands shoes. Be prepared for a lot of highs and lows and emotional swings/outbursts. Good luck @Kristy37


----------



## snowbum

The fact you still say you are attracted to I’m is concerning. I also read your tone as feeling this is a minor nuisance and not a huge deal in the scheme of things. Maybe I’m wrong. But the fact that you were bored led to this is puzzling. Honest question: how would you feel if the tables were turned? Are you people of faith?


----------



## EleGirl

Kristy37 said:


> 1. My husband shares his feeling at hime and in therapy with me several times a day now.
> 2. He cried early on but not since then.
> 3. It of course bothers him a great deal that i still work with the man. We discuss dit often and i call and text him throughout the workday.
> 4. We have been intimately everyday and are in hysterical bonding now I believe.
> 5. He has told his mother and she has been a great supporter of our efforts to work it out.
> 6. Married 14 years.
> 7. This is my only affair.
> 8. I don't care if this takes 10 year. I'm committed.


Something you need to keep in mind is that about 50% of BS (betrayed spouse) end up having what is call a 'revenge affair'.

After I found out about my husband's cheating, at one point I because obsessed with thinking that if I just had an affair, it would even things out. It would take away the humiliation I felt for being cheated on. I ended up being able to fight this and never did cheat. but boy was the urge strong... like that little devil sitting on my shoulder was yelling at me to just do it.

There is a 50% chance that your husband is going to have an affair. Take that seriously. Most who have revenge affairs regret it, but that's only realized afterwards.

This is not just about you dealing with what you did, it's also about how to make your husband feel whole again. It can take years ... usually 2-5 years.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald:


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> 1. My husband shares his feeling at hime and in therapy with me several times a day now.
> 2. He cried early on but not since then.
> 3. It of course bothers him a great deal that i still work with the man. We discuss dit often and i call and text him throughout the workday.
> 4. We have been intimately everyday and are in hysterical bonding now I believe.
> 5. He has told his mother and she has been a great supporter of our efforts to work it out.
> 6. Married 14 years.
> 7. This is my only affair.
> 8. I don't care if this takes 10 year. I'm committed.


Kristy, has your husband ever had an emotional or physical affair?

I know you're being asked a lot of questions and it can be overwhelming but it can help the people here at TAM get a better understanding of your situation and how they may be Able to help you.

Why do you think you came here? 

I sure hope this works out for you and your husband and your two kids. Like I said, people can overcome this and are able to rebuild a new marriage and I sure hope that you and your husband are successful doing this even if it's a long road ahead of you.

I hope that one day you can get to the point where you can forgive yourself. Yes hopefully your husband can get to this point one day as well. One step at a time.


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> Kristy, has your husband ever had an emotional or physical affair?
> 
> I know you're being asked a lot of questions and it can be overwhelming but it can help the people here at TAM get a better understanding of your situation and how they may be Able to help you.
> 
> Why do you think you came here?
> 
> I sure hope this works out for you and your husband and your two kids. Like I said, people can overcome this and are able to rebuild a new marriage and I sure hope that you and your husband are successful doing this even if it's a long road ahead of you.
> 
> I hope that one day you can get to the point where you can forgive yourself. Yes hopefully your husband can get to this point one day as well. One step at a time.


 He has never cheated no.

I came here because I think the more I think about it and try to figure it out the better. Hoping this place is another tool for that.


----------



## manwithnoname

Be prepared for the possibility of your husband deciding down the road that he doesn’t want to work it out. This may still occur after things seem back to normal.


----------



## Kristy37

manwithnoname said:


> Be prepared for the possibility of your husband deciding down the road that he doesn’t want to work it out. This may still occur after things seem back to normal.


Yes it may. Its his choice to make. Right now he is trying hard.


----------



## D0nnivain

Since some of this happened in your house, you probably need to consider moving. Yes, even in this crazy housing market. 

At a minimum buy a new bed. 

The fact that your husband was your 1st & until this your only has to be killing him inside. I felt the gut punch on that & the location -- violating your marital home. 

I urge you to stop talking to your husband about what you did with the other guy & start talking to him about what he needs to feel more secure in the marriage & to learn to trust you again. Then go about giving him that, without argument.


----------



## Kristy37

D0nnivain said:


> Since some of this happened in your house, you probably need to consider moving. Yes, even in this crazy housing market.
> 
> At a minimum buy a new bed.
> 
> The fact that your husband was your 1st & until this your only has to be killing him inside. I felt the gut punch on that & the location -- violating your marital home.
> 
> I urge you to stop talking to your husband about what you did with the other guy & start talking to him about what he needs to feel more secure in the marriage & to learn to trust you again. Then go about giving him that, without argument.


Id love to do that. Bit husband keeps asking me about what I did with the other guy. I don't want to seem deceptive by trying to change the subject.


----------



## EleGirl

Kristy37 said:


> Id love to do that. Bit husband keeps asking me about what I did with the other guy. I don't want to seem deceptive by trying to change the subject.


Have you discussed this with your counselors? I think it's not a good rabbit hole to go down.


----------



## Kristy37

Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. He keeps asking the same questions.


----------



## bobert

snowbum said:


> The fact you still say you are attracted to I’m is concerning. I also read your tone as feeling this is a minor nuisance and not a huge deal in the scheme of things. Maybe I’m wrong. But the fact that you were bored led to this is puzzling. Honest question: how would you feel if the tables were turned? Are you people of faith?


Attraction doesn't just disappear. It can take a lot of individual work for that attraction to go away, if it ever does. I know my wife still finds one of her AP's attractive at times, depending on where her head is at. It's something that has to be continously worked on. 



Kristy37 said:


> Id love to do that. Bit husband keeps asking me about what I did with the other guy. I don't want to seem deceptive by trying to change the subject.


Keep answering the questions, no matter how often he asks them, and without getting annoyed about it. I did the same thing and many other BS do as well. At some point it stops but that's something he needs to work on, not something you can control.


----------



## ABHale

Kristy37 said:


> Sorry if I was light on details. Was a bit frantic when I first wrote this.
> 
> First off I accept totally I was wrong, selfish, and am the one that needs to make amends. We are in counseling now and I see a counselor 1 on 1 as well now.
> 
> I did it because I was immature and selfish. My husband was working a lot and we were going through the motions of life. The other man, who is divorced, pursued me and I found that validating and exciting. Again I say that knowing how selfish and immature it is.
> 
> We had sex on business trips and typically after work or during lunch, usually at his house.
> 
> Again I realize I broke the trust and could have ruined our lives, but my husband thinks we can work through and he wants to. So please say what you will about me, I deserve it. But please don't judge and insult my husband's decisions and actions.


Actually it is the complete lack of any morals. Also that you really don’t love your husband.

Almost everyone at your place of work knows what you did. They might not know the extent of what happened, they know you and your lover boy got it on. He has been bragging about how he was able to f your brains out and all the nasty **** you did or didn’t do. He could have told everyone that you laid there like a dead fish as well.


----------



## jsmart

For a 4 month affair


Kristy37 said:


> I have admitted to my husband the sex with the other man was exciting and pleasurable. *I am still physically attracted to him *but as a person and seeing what I have caused in my husband and what I put at risk has allowed me to disengage from the AP.
> 
> My husband hasnt changed. He is still amazing. I got bored and instead of talking to him about it I let things fester and then selfishly had an affair.
> 
> I am looking for a new job, I agree it just presents unneeded risks to our future to stay there.
> 
> *Right now we are in the hysterical bonding phase so hubby and I have been having a lot of sex. When he or I have thought we immediately discuss them, even if they come up during sex. It has often been brutal but so far it seems to be what we need. Open honest immediate communication about everything.*


I applaud your honesty about still being attracted to OM. It's hard to turn off those feelings over night but that makes that much more important that you get yourself out of that environment. It sounds like you were very sexually wanton for OM, that will linger in his mind and he might eventually want to go back for another taste. That He has backed off has probably helped you remain faithful since your confession but you don't how you would react if if he comes back laying on the charm. 

Your description of your feelings for your husband doesn't match the actions of a wife that had such a sexual affair. The selfishness you say over came you sounds like you decided to eat the last piece of cake. No, your affair is way more than a season of being selfish. Let's be real. you completely lost respect for not only your husband but even your kids weren't important. You brought this man into your family home. What if your kids came home early from school? As a divorced man, him bringing you to his house was no big deal but for you to bring him into your marital home was truly disrespectful. I would say even worse than performing sex acts with OM that you didn't with your husband. 

I not sure if you're doing a fake it to you make it but it is best to be honest with your husband. You don't want to over sell your love if you're not really feeling that way. I once again applaud how you're there for your husband when he has to deal with mind movies. That is how a WW should react. Not getting defensive will go a long way for your husband.

It sound like your husband truly loves you and more importantly doesn't want to break up the family and become a part time dad. If you can continue to show your husband that you're truly sorry for what you did to him and your family, you will be able to R but I really think that you MUST get another job. That you're still attracted to him, means that you're still vulnerable.


----------



## ABHale

snowbum said:


> It’s very telling you don’t AP destroyed. Protecting him is not a good sign.


Why should she do this? OP is the one that was cheating on her husband not him.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Kristy37 said:


> Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. He keeps asking the same questions.


I was the same way. He keeps asking the same questions to see if your story changes. I pulled the plug on the marriage 3 years later. She had been a model wife for those 3 years and was shocked. Anything can happen at anytime, so be prepared.


----------



## Butforthegrace

It's pretty normal for a BH to want to know the "dirty details." It's also pretty normal for marital counsel to discourage this. Most marital counselors have little or no experience with the trauma caused by infidelity. Further, they view the marriage as their patient, rather than the husband or the wife. If they can keep a couple married, even if it's with chicken wire and duct tape and white knuckles, they view that as a notch on their belt.

To that end, if infidelity is involved, rug-sweeping is their common go-to tactic. Another is to get the BH to "acknowledge his role" in your decision to cheat. As if he pushed you onto another man's ****. Which, to be clear, is a fallacy. You were both in the same marriage, but only one of you decided that, instead of trying to fix the marriage, or leave it, you'd simply arrogate the right to secretly declare that your half was a one-sided open marriage.

From the BH's perspective, the mind creates scenarios and visions of you having sex with the AP. They're called mind movies. For most BH's, the only way to stop the mind movies is to know the complete factual truth, all details, as if he was a fly on the wall. It sounds as if your case involves details that are about as awful as they can be, but at the very least, knowing this will stop his imagining others.


----------



## snowbum

I don’t care if this is “mean”. Screwing someone in you home is a big F You you your spouse. I hope you realize how much work it’s going to take to overcome this/ build a new relationship. You are starting from scratch. If you feel he should move on in a month. A year, etc you should probably walk away


----------



## ABHale

Kristy37 said:


> Id love to do that. Bit husband keeps asking me about what I did with the other guy. I don't want to seem deceptive by trying to change the subject.


He needs answers to his questions.

His mind is racing with different things that you did with your lover. The very less you can do is be completely honest about it. How can you rebuild a relationship on half truths. 

You shouldn’t be in MC yet. Your both need IC for now.


----------



## Sufi22

Krysty - just came across your post. I'm a BS and my wife compartmentalized everything. She still can't fully acknowledge the depths of how she behaved during her affair. So I want to say how much I appreciate your openness here and your willingness to respond to so much pain. Keep being honest and open with your husband. It sounds like you're still coming to grips with how much damage you caused. His continuing to ask the same questions over and over about sex is a classic trauma response; like another poster said, this is all still very fresh to him. This is going to take a long time and 100 percent commitment from both of you to work through. There are going to be some real pitfalls ahead so be alert and keep your eyes on the long term. Good luck.


----------



## ABHale

snowbum said:


> I don’t care if this is “mean”. Screwing someone in you home is a big F You you your spouse. I hope you realize how much work it’s going to take to overcome this/ build a new relationship. You are starting from scratch. If you feel he should move on in a month. A year, etc you should probably walk away


Not much if her husband is just sweeping it under the rug and taking the blame for it. He probably feels like he has never meet her needs sexually so he caused her to look elsewhere. Especially doing things with her lover that she never did with him.


----------



## Butforthegrace

ABHale said:


> Not much if her husband is just sweeping it under the rug and taking the blame for it. He probably feels like he has never meet her needs sexually so he caused her to look elsewhere. Especially doing this with her lover that she never did with him.


A lot of attacking going on here, based pretty much purely on speculation. OP hasn't described much about her BH or his actions and/or reactions. Maybe give OP a chance to explain the reality rather than externalizing.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I think the fact you carried on the affair in your marital home is going to be very hard to overcome.When the place that is supposed to be your safe place becomes a trigger, that's a difficult thing to get past. I think you will have to consider selling the house if this is to have a chance.


----------



## Openminded

It could, of course, take your husband years to move beyond this. Everyone is different in how they recover. There are lots of ups and downs that go along with reconciliation so be prepared. I wish you both the best.


----------



## ABHale

Butforthegrace said:


> A lot of attacking going on here, based pretty much purely on speculation. OP hasn't described much about her BH or his actions and/or reactions. Maybe give OP a chance to explain the reality rather than externalizing.


There is a lot of speculation but no attack. I am simply stating what betrayed husbands have posted in the past. Is it not wise to post things that OP’s husband might be thinking so she can deal with it?

OP has no clue what her husband is going through. Her words here show this.


----------



## Zedd

Kristy37 said:


> Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. He keeps asking the same questions.


Just keep answering them honestly. It's how you rebuild trust - by answering consistently. He keeps asking the same questions to see if you answer them differently and can get any new information you may have stepped around previously. Every time you change the answer, it'll blow him up again and you're back to square 1.


----------



## Kristy37

Zedd said:


> Just keep answering them honestly. It's how you rebuild trust - by answering consistently. He keeps asking the same questions to see if you answer them differently and can get any new information you may have stepped around previously. Every time you change the answer, it'll blow him up again and you're back to square 1.


Thank you. I have been consistent, even graphic when he requests it.


----------



## Beach123

Kristy37 said:


> To be clear I place zero blame in my husband. This was a decision I made and take on all the responsibility for it.


so why did you allow the affair to happen?
What have you done to repair the damage you caused?
What have you done to learn about what you need to do to assure you’ll never cheat again?

why do you think your husband should stay with you?


----------



## sideways

ABHale said:


> So you’re lying to them as well. What a great example you’re setting for them.


Why in the world should a 13 + 11 yr old know what's going on at this juncture? They are KIDS for crying out loud. 

Mommy + daddy are trying to figure things out right now and if they decide to go their separate ways they sit the kids down and have an age appropriate discussion on what's going on.

Why put all this weight on these innocent kids right now when they're trying to work things out?


----------



## Kristy37

sideways said:


> Why in the world should a 13 + 11 yr old know what's going on at this juncture? They are KIDS for crying out loud.
> 
> Mommy + daddy are trying to figure things out right now and if they decide to go their separate ways they sit the kids down and have an age appropriate discussion on what's going on.
> 
> Why put all this weight on these innocent kids right now when they're trying to work things out?


They know something is off with us is all.


----------



## Butforthegrace

ABHale said:


> OP has no clue what her husband is going through. Her words here show this.


I don't agree. I think OP is trying very hard to figure that out. It's still in the brand new stages. I sense that, among other things, OP is the type who will consider how she would feel if she learned that her husband was engaged in a highly sexual affair with a woman whom he found more sexually attractive than her, whom he still finds sexually attractive.

We have no idea why OP's BH is still in the mix with her. She says she offered to let him go, but he told her he wants to work it out. My own expectation is that this will change eventually. The first instinct of any newly minted BH is to try to return to the "before time", to the loving wife who is faithful. At some point, probably after HB ends, he'll realize that the wife he thought he was married to doesn't exist.

To me, the big takeaway from this is something I've said to myself all along: never get married to a person for whom you are their first and only. It's a recipe for them to later get curious and wander. You're way better off marrying somebody who has been around the block.


----------



## Marc878

Kristy37 said:


> I know it is hard. Is why I was fully honest abd let the choice be his. No secrets anymore or trying to control the situation.


Thats your best path. An affair can end a marriage. Lies after usually will end a marriage.


----------



## snowbum

No it’s called communicate with your spouse and address issues rather than jump in someone else’s bed.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

@Kristy37 I will say that you seem to have the right attitude for reconciliation to happen. That is a good start. You can be guaranteed that if your husband were on here from the other side of this affair he would be told by most if not all that he should leave right off the bat. However, if he were set on staying he would be told how the WS (wayward spouse) should react and act. You are checking all the boxes, with the exception of no longer working with you AP. I would be surprised if that didn't start really bothering him at some point. If he asked you to quite tomorrow, would you?

Something you have to keep in mind is no matter how this plays out, even if reconcile, your husband will never ever forget what happened. Throughout the rest of his life with you there will be things that trigger him. Out of the blue he will be thinking about the OM that you did things with that you haven't allowed your husband to do. He will never, ever see you the same way. You can never be the loyal wife, ever. Even if you are 100% loyal from here on out you will forever be the cheater. There is no time limit.

My wife, GF at the time, cheated on me right at the beginning of our relationship. I won't get into the details here, you can read my intro post if so inclined. Her cheating had far more mitigating circumstances, yet I can never ever forget. I can never quite shake it. I go long stretches without thinking about it, but it will always be there in my mind. I have forgiven her though. That was 35 years ago and we are happily married for over 32 years, so it can work out.

How long has it been since you told him about the affair?


----------



## snowbum

Does he have access to your phone? Did you quit work social events without him?


----------



## Openminded

What you will need to guard against is the situation in the future when you’re tempted again because you’re bored or things are off between you and your husband or whatever. My exH swore after the first time I caught him that it would never happen again. Maybe he meant it at the time but it still did happen again. And what you’ll forgive once isn’t always something you’ll forgive twice. He may never again trust you the way he once did. He may always be suspicious of your actions. Everyone handles reconciliation differently. He’s probably still trying to sort it all at this point.


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> They know something is off with us is all.


To be expected. 

"Sometimes mommy's and daddy's have arguments and even though they're parents and supposed to be adults they do things that hurt each other. Just like you and your brother have arguments and hurt each other from time to time. We're getting help and trying to work it out". 

Leave it at that for now. Why burden your kids (repeat KIDS) with any of this at this point. Things may change in time but right now in my humble opinion it's not in their best interest to know this grown up stuff.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

snowbum said:


> No it’s called communicate with your spouse and address issues rather than jump in someone else’s bed.


I'm disgusted by it too, but the genie is out of the bottle. She can't undo the affair or redo all the past poor choices. What is done is done and she is trying to pick up the pieces as best she can. It is too bad she didn't have more of the attitude she has now before she embarked on the affair, but again, it is done. She is looking for help and it should be given.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Kristy37 said:


> Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. He keeps asking the same questions.


Whatever you do, don't get upset when he asks. He is just trying to wrap his mind around what has happened. Trying to understand why you would be sexual with another man, even doing things you've never done with your husband. Have you asked yourself that? Why you would be more sexually adventurous with a work colleague than with your husband?


----------



## colingrant

Kristy37 said:


> Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. He keeps asking the same questions.


He knows it's real but it's hard for him to believe it. Most men place there wives on a special pedestal no other women sits upon. Think if you had a very respectful teenage daughter whose teacher came to you and said she's peddling drugs into the school and was also caught blowing her teacher. 

Imagine the difficult of believing this if your daughter showed no signs of acting this way. At first you might think, "oh, they must have it all wrong" or, "she must have been coerced or setup by her friends" into doing this.

That's where your husband is at this point. It's hard to for him to accept his wife stands among all the other women in the world. Faithful, loving husbands love having there wives on the pedestal and the reality of them no longer being there is first met with denial and then a very, very sad realization that she's now just the mother of my children and a person I still love but ............

Men find it so difficult to believe in that if you read of other men who were betrayed, 90% of the time they will underemphasize there wives role in the affair and overemphasize her AP's role. Never mind the fact that the AP means nothing to the betrayed husband yet the wife promised to love and protect him. 

The husband will STILL assert his wife was manipulated, fooled, played, pursued and coerced. What's even sadder is the wife will go along with it seeing an opportunity to be a victim while actually doing the victimizing.


----------



## Kristy37

BigDaddyNY said:


> Whatever you do, don't get upset when he asks. He is just trying to wrap his mind around what has happened. Trying to understand why you would be sexual with another man, even doing things you've never done with your husband. Have you asked yourself that? Why you would be more sexually adventurous with a work colleague than with your husband?


I never get upset. I try to be calm without being about it. I have ask myself and am trying to work it out. I think the fact I had no other life stresses or history with my AP and my AP's attitude toward sex led to it. But I'm still working on understanding it.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Kristy37, since you told OM about telling your husband, has he contacted you in any way? A simple text asking how you're doing?? Do you think he will back off, or lay low for a bit and come back around?


----------



## Kristy37

He hasn't contacted me at all and is already seeing someone else. If he stops seeing her I could see him contacting me again and I'm trying to be aware and prepared for that.


----------



## Marc878

It sounds like you are on a good path. It’s good you are looking for help, info and support.
Honesty is a big thing. Probably the most important.
Without that you can stay together by it makes reconciliation impossible. 
I would also say reconciliation will be a lifelong process. You’ve seen how easily these things can escalate. I’ve been here many years. Repeated infidelity happens. Usually through rugsweeping. It looks like you’re smarter than that. A huge amount aren’t and repeat. 
Trust may never come back 100%. I think that maybe a good thing. A marriage has to be good enough to stay in it. 
It’s sounds like you’re doing the best you can,
Good luck.


----------



## Marc878

Kristy37 said:


> He hasn't contacted me at all and is already seeing someone else. If he stops seeing her I could see him contacting me again and I'm trying to be aware and prepared for that.


That shows you who he is. It didn’t take him long to find a replacement. 
How do you know? Any type of contact is dangerous. You should block any form of contact. Until you can get away from this job situation.


----------



## uwe.blab

Kristy37 said:


> I never get upset. I try to be calm without being about it. I have ask myself and am trying to work it out. I think the fact I had no other life stresses or history with my AP and my AP's attitude toward sex led to it. But I'm still working on understanding it.


What is your APs attitude toward sex? What does that mean?


----------



## Kristy37

uwe.blab said:


> What is your APs attitude toward sex? What does that mean?


He was very sexually aggressive and I guess you'd say kinky and open minded. Was just different.


----------



## snowbum

Do you prefer his approach to your spouse? Do you enjoy being monogamous? Some people just dont


----------



## Rus47

Kristy37 said:


> The *other man was very exciting* and until this my husband had been my only man so some curiosity too.





Kristy37 said:


> I'll be honest the *sex was very good and exciting*.





Kristy37 said:


> I have admitted to my husband the *sex with the other man was exciting and pleasurabl*e.


So now that you have tasted the forbidden fruit, how will you weather the temptation to go taste it ( or a different fruit ) again? Every time you are with your husband, you will be contrasting what it is like with the same old boring husband as compared to an exciting illicit AP. And every time, he will be thinking about what you are thinking about.

I have no answer, but would seem that going forward this is going to be a tremendous temptation to you. And your AP already has you in his "rotation". And all the other males ( single and married ) at work know what the score is and that you just might be available to try out. 

How do you raise fences high enough so you don't climb over them 1, 2, 5, 10 years from now?


----------



## snowbum

I’ll be honest . You are being honest with dh. And that’s good. But what you are conveying… he was better than you and I really had fun is crushing, do you feel that’s surmountable? And if so why? You weren’t happy ic you did all those things.


----------



## Butforthegrace

Kristy, are you also your husband's first and only?


----------



## jsmart

It sounds like this affair ended pretty recently. It is way to soon to start refusing to answer your husband's questions. It will take a while for him to feel like he has all of the info to put his mind at ease. Not that his mind will ever be at ease but less obsessed.

I know sex questions can make you feel uncomfortable but just know that it is even more uncomfortable for your husband to ask. I know you said you did sex acts with OM that you never did with your husband. If these were things that he was never interested in then it may not bother him as much but if he was asking for them but you said no, then it will always bother him. 

It sounds like you were each other's first, so that means that he's going to feel very sexually disadvantaged. Having your wife sexually betray you is very emasculating but throw in the wanton acts and it can make your husband feel like he's less of a man. It's going to take time to help build him back up.

It's something that is very hard for women to understand but we men are very possessive of our wife's body. You gave this guy the most precious thing he had, an untouched wife. Many wives that were virgins find it hard to grasp how special you are to your husband. Our society tries to shame women for being a virgin but to your husband, you were a beautiful rare jewel. Now? He still loves you for your history and that you're the mother of his kids but does he see you as his precious? It's doubtful. But like @BigDaddyNY described in his case, he will forgive and eventually your marriage can heal but even decades later, he will still think about this betrayal. 

Despite all that, I am hopeful for your reconciliation. It sounds like you're willing to patiently do the work and your husband appears to want to fight for you. I hope you continue to fight for him. I'm rooting for you.


----------



## Kristy37

Butforthegrace said:


> Kristy, are you also your husband's first and only?


I am yes


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Kristy37 said:


> It first started on a business trip. Had been going on roughly 4 months. He suspected something and ask me and I confessed the truth. We have 2 kids. I have 1 coworker friend that knows.
> [/


You seem very contrite throughout this thread but where was your conscience during this 4 months? Had the affair not come to light, would it still be going on? Can you take employment in another sector or field for the time being? Keeping that job will be a reconciliation killer garanteed.


----------



## Spoons027

Either of you in individual therapy? And if you can’t quit your job, at least make sure you can work as far from your AP as possible.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Kristy37 said:


> I am yes


That’s not good. You do realize that (on top of everything else) there is now a new, ugly existential imbalance in your marriage, compared to a situation where you weren’t his first. I can’t imagine that’s not going through his head.


----------



## Butforthegrace

If you don't mind me asking, why did you two get married as first-and-onlies? Did you get married young? Or is it a religious/cultural thing? Do you reside in the US? I find it rather unusual for couples in the US to marry as first-and-onlies except where (a) they marry very young, or (b) there are cultural or religious reasons.


----------



## jsmart

Kristy37 said:


> He was very sexually aggressive and I guess you'd say kinky and open minded. Was just different.


Be careful with OM, he's very likely going to want you again. He's laying low for a while but he got a taste of another man's wife. Guys will use the push and pull. Right now he's pushed you away and is already on to his next conquest but he could just as quickly, lay on the charm to get you in bed again. You've already admitted that you still find him attractive and that the the sex you had was exciting. 

Some guys get off on getting a wife to betray their husband. That you were also a mother just added to the conquest for him. That he got you to perform wanton sex acts and brought him into your home and I'm assuming had sex on your marital bed, just builds that guys ego up. In his mind, he's thinking how hot I am, I got this woman to betray her family. He's very likely to want another bite at the apple for that ego boost that he can get you to betray them again.

Just remember that the degree with which you built up that OM by your betrayal, that is much you pushed down your husband.


----------



## Beach123

How long ago was the affair discovered? 
how long did it take you after that to end the affair?


----------



## Marc878

It seems like Kristy is doing all the right things. At this point it’s not uncommon to see hysterical bonding.
That won’t last. 
It will then be up to her husband. Can he handle it longterm? Some can, some can’t.
Having an affair is bad enough. Bringing the AP into her home, bed where her husband and children live is the ultimate thrill for her AP and the worst disrespect and betrayal to her husband, children, family.
After hysterical bonding is over the true test will begin. Most upfront just want the wayward back. At some point I suspect reality will set in.


----------



## Kristy37

Beach123 said:


> How long ago was the affair discovered?
> how long did it take you after that to end the affair?


Discovered 2 months ago. Took me a week.


----------



## Kristy37

jsmart said:


> Be careful with OM, he's very likely going to want you again. He's laying low for a while but he got a taste of another man's wife. Guys will use the push and pull. Right now he's pushed you away and is already on to his next conquest but he could just as quickly, lay on the charm to get you in bed again. You've already admitted that you still find him attractive and that the the sex you had was exciting.
> 
> Some guys get off on getting a wife to betray their husband. That you were also a mother just added to the conquest for him. That he got you to perform wanton sex acts and brought him into your home and I'm assuming had sex on your marital bed, just builds that guys ego up. In his mind, he's thinking how hot I am, I got this woman to betray her family. He's very likely to want another bite at the apple for that ego boost that he can get you to betray them again.
> 
> Just remember that the degree with which you built up that OM by your betrayal, that is much you pushed down your husband.


He did seem to really get a thrill out of being with me in my home. So yes he is not a good person as I said. I'm looking for a new job.


----------



## Marc878

Kristy37 said:


> He did seem to really get a thrill out of being with me in my home. So yes he is not a good person as I said. I'm looking for a new job.


Did you and your AP have disrespectful conversations about your husband?


----------



## Kristy37

Marc878 said:


> Did you and your AP have disrespectful conversations about your husband?


No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


----------



## snowbum

I just don’t get how or why you brought him home. Why? You haven’t mentioned live for anyone. Is there a chance this is something you just don’t see why it’s such a big deal? I’m sensing discomfort over dealing with this but not a lot of true regret or dismay over losing the love of your life.


----------



## Cynthia

Kristy37 said:


> Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. He keeps asking the same questions.


He is trying to process it. He may not even remember asking the same question over and over. He could also be looking for cracks in the story to see if you add, subtract, or change the story. He's trying to establish a baseline.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Why did it take you a week to end the affair after confessing?


----------



## Captain Obvious

Kristy37 said:


> Discovered 2 months ago. Took me a week.


You didn't have one last romp with OM after you told her husband?


----------



## Kristy37

Captain Obvious said:


> You didn't have one last romp with OM after you told her husband?


I did yes honestly.


----------



## jsmart

Kristy37 said:


> Discovered 2 months ago. Took me a week.


Wait, so for an additional week you continued having sex with this guy after confessing to your husband?


----------



## snowbum

If you search your heart and are honest, are you staying to keep your kids lives “normal” or out of live for your husband. You seem very very callous.


----------



## snowbum

jsmart said:


> Wait, so for an additional week you continued having sex with this guy after confessing to your husband?


That’s cruel.


----------



## HarryBosch

colingrant said:


> Sometimes knowing what not to do is as much help if not more help in reconciliation.
> 
> - Don't shift the blame to him. If marital issues existed, then they are marital issues. Period. Issues require patience, communication, therapy, love and then more patience and repeat if necessary. more patience and love. These are coping mechanisms and potential resolutions. You independently choose to betray your husbands and your family's trust, honor and promise to love and protect them. An affair means you made the decision to dishonor, disrespect and expose your husband and your family to personal, physical and emotional instability.
> 
> - Don't be defensive.
> 
> - Answer all questions truthfully. Even the ones that may embarrass or expose certain things within yourself you had no intention of showing him.
> 
> - Depending on his personality, he may or may not seek sympathy. I didn't want it when I was cheated on, but I'm finding many if not most men want reassured and nurtured. Personally, that infuriated me even more but I've found out that's not the norm. He'll show or tell you if he needs it. I think there's a 80% he will.
> 
> - Don't confuse empathy, crying, makeup sex and telling him non stop that you're "sorry' with remorse. Remorse is an unmistakable consciousness the wayward has where they are 100% committed to aligning there emotions with the betrayed spouse. In other words they mindfully seek to understand the pain. depth and devastation they have caused and prioritize there spouses comfort by staying away, getting closer or providing the spouse whatever they may need. Not to confuse you but it may be sex and intimacy is the answer, but don't do this independently on your own. Learn to understand what he's going through and patiently obtain that as dutifully and caring as possible.
> 
> - If you're inclined to ask him after 3, 6, 12 months or 2 years even when your marriage will return to its pre-affair state, you mind as well file for divorce and offer him the moon. There is NO place in reconciliation for the wayward spouse to have a timetable on the betrayed persons recovery.
> 
> Additionally, his personal recovery is not to be confused with your marital recovery. It's very possible, if not probable it will never return to the pre-affair state. You will have to okay with this. Reconciling means you accept this new reality.
> 
> - Speaking of recovery. Wayward spouses who seek reconciliation want to reconcile first and help there spouse recover at the same time. Truth be told, recovery should happen first and then reconciliation. False reconciliations happen frequently because the betrayed spouse is still traumatized and emotionally unstable while trying to reconcile. Once they recover they realize the foundation of the reconciliation was unfit for long term success. An example might be a person under duress signing a legal document. In court it won't stand because cognitively, elements were missing that enabled the signee from doing what's best for them. Help him recover then reconcile if he wants to. hELP HIM


This is some great insight... Thank You.


----------



## TexasMom1216

snowbum said:


> That’s cruel.


Agreed. I'm struggling to believe there is remorse if that happened.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Kristy37 said:


> I did yes honestly.


Oh boy. Your husband knew you continued the affair after confessing it and he still wanted to work things out?


----------



## Lostinthought61

Kristy37 said:


> The answer to both your questions is yes we did.
> 
> My husband knows this and we have discussed it a lot in therapy and at home.


I am just curious why you would perform sexual acts with a complete stranger (for the most part0 then the man you plan on spending the rest of your life with...how could eve face your husband after something like that


----------



## Kristy37

Captain Obvious said:


> Oh boy. Your husband knew you continued the affair after confessing it and he still wanted to work things out?


Yes he did. I confessed to it right away.


----------



## Kristy37

jsmart said:


> Wait, so for an additional week you continued having sex with this guy after confessing to your husband?


Not proud of it but yes.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Since you were both your one and only have you offered your husband the right to eventually have another woman ? and more importantly could you handle that ?


----------



## Rus47

Kristy37 said:


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


Sad. So I guess your husband knows he is smaller than OM. Something he cannot fix. Sad


----------



## Rus47

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am just curious why you would perform sexual acts with a complete stranger (for the most part0 then the man you plan on spending the rest of your life with...how could eve face your husband after something like that


This is the norm


----------



## snowbum

You have said the Om loved taunting your dh, used his bed , was kinky, bigger, and better. You couldn’t even stop screwing after confessing. You still haven’t said a word about love. Please leave this poor man. You’ve enacted every nightmare I can imagine. Are you telling dh this stone faced Luke a news report? If this is real, it’s so sad and appalling.


----------



## Imnobodynew

Can you ask to work from home until you find another job? Tell your work something is going on at home and you need to be available. Leave your work contact methods up so your husband can scan them at any time? The problem here is transparency. When you are with an affair partner in unverifiable times, your BS will be living through hell. This is the same scenario you cheated on him with and with the same person. The mind games must be torture. I'd be sending out 30 resumes a day. 

A few other books that came up in my reconciliation helped tremendously were:
Not just friends
Come as you are.
How to help your spouse heal from an affiar

From AsOneAfterAffair (reddit) wikki:
*ESSENTIAL READING*

*NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity* - Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D. with Jean Coppock Staeheli
*How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* - Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT
*Post-Infidelity Relationships*

*After a Good Man Cheats: How to Rebuild Trust & Intimacy With Your Wife* - Caroline Madden, Ph.D.
*After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful* - Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D. with Michael Spring
*Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair* - Michele Weiner-Davis
*Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild and Affair-Proof Your Marriage* - Steven Solomon, Ph.D. and Lorie Teagno, Ph.D.
*Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating* - Robert Weiss
*The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity* - Scott Halzman, M.D.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Rus47 said:


> This is the norm


No. It can't be the norm. 😟 I'm sure it is though, cheaters compartmentalize and tell themselves it's "different" with different people.


----------



## ThreeHundo

Kristy37 said:


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


So, you at least discussed your husbands size, compared to your AP’s. He got off on screwing you in your house in your husbands bed and you allowed it to happen. I mean, we are now beyond the trifecta of betrayal here. 
1. You were each other’s one and only. That special bond is gone. Forever. There is now a comparison for you to judge sex with hubby against. He will be thinking about it as will you. 
2. You had a good marriage and betrayed your husband because you were in a rut. So, it didn’t take much at all to betray him and your communication with him is crap.
3. You did things with the AP that you haven’t done with the man you’ve been with for years? Why?
4. You did these things in your husbands HOME. This is really a giant F U to your husband. The AP got off on it and you likely did as well. Why in your home? You allowed this to happen in your home, enjoyed it and told hubby you enjoyed it. Sounds like you enjoyed his size as well. How is your husband supposed to over come that? What prevents you from doing this again or running back to AP later?

Did your husband ever get sloppy seconds? 4 month affair. I’m guessing yes. Does he know of this nuke bomb?

I can hardly think of more you could have done to destroy your husband. How did you allow this level of betrayal in a marriage that seems like was pretty good but in a rut? What happens the next time you’re in a rut?

I feel just terrible for your husband. I hope he is getting all the support he needs.


----------



## snowbum

Your actions and attitude are deplorable.


----------



## ThreeHundo

Kristy37 said:


> I did yes honestly.


Wait. What? Your husband asks about the affair, you admit to it, and then have sex with the guy again? And your husband knows this? My god.


----------



## uwe.blab

Kristy37 said:


> Not proud of it but yes.


Oh no. Part of you still wants this guy, in a physical/sexual way, yes?


----------



## Imnobodynew

I want to say this if you are serious about reconciliation:


Be brutally honest about everything. Sex acts, verbiage, times, etc... Let your spouse choose to reconcile with the real you. IF you don't, you're doomed to fail. (remember you are already labeled as liar in his mind).
Offer a timeline;
stick with IC and do your HW. 
Keep a journal. 
Do not give half-ass answers.
Ponder questions your BS might ask before he asks them, and answer them thoughtfully. If you don't know the answer, say you don't know but you're working on it. 
Do not blame shift
Please do your research and then do it again... and again.... and again: Look up things about empathy, being genuine, and managing your partner's triggers. 
Let things be on his terms...


----------



## Butforthegrace

So, to be clear:


You cheated on your husband with an AP who is a coworker
It was a highly sexual affair. Among other things, you brought the AP into your marital home and had sex in your marital bed, and the AP gloated about this. Keep in mind that this was something you gave the AP, at the expense of your BH.
You willingly performed sexual acts for the AP that you had previously denied your BH
You continued having sex with the AP after your BH learned of the A. As I understand it, all of the sex was unprotected, meaning you exposed your unwitting BH to any STD that the AP might have.
You still work with your AP
You and your BH were first-and-onlies before the A. Now, you have had the experience of a fun sexual escapade with somebody new, but your BH's total life sexual experience is limited to the sex that you now describe as boring and routine, and only with one person.
You and your AP discussed the fact that your BH is smaller than the AP.
You still crave the AP sexually
From the perspective of trauma, sexual humiliation, and emasculation, it would be difficult to imagine a fact scenario that is worse. Maybe if you allowed your BH to perform oral sex on you after the AP finished inside of you, or you gave your BH an STD, or maybe if you were pregnant with the AP's child. Any of those might be marginally worse, but only marginally. It's so extreme that some posters are wondering if you are a troll, because real life rarely produces this level of depraved violation of a marriage. Me, I wonder if you're either living in a country other than the US, or, if you're in the US, you have a cultural origin elsewhere. Something about your tone here, it feels somehow foreign.

Honestly, the degree of depravity involved in your A is so extreme it shocks even jaded readers of infidelity forums. What shocks even more is that your BH apparently wants to try to R with you. I hope you succeed, but you should know that if you do succeed, it would be the biggest R miracle I've ever read about on any infidelity forum.

Again, I do commend your courage for coming here. Also, to the extent a WW can check off the boxes in terms of taking the right steps in the right direction toward R with a BH, you are doing it. It's just that the hole you've dug is so deep. As other have said, dishonesty or other bad acts after Dday can kill a marriage, but at the same time, all the remorse and empathy in the universe can't always save a marriage. Sometimes the cumulative weight of the pain and insult from the details of the A is simply too massive to overcome. It feels like it here, like it's just a matter of time before the other shoe drops. 

I do think that in some way you'll need a grand gesture. The sex life asymmetry is probably going to be a big deal. In some way, I think your BH will at some point rue the lack of a joyous sexual relationship with another woman. I've seen threads where couples figure this part out creatively. I'd suggest you put your imagination to this.


----------



## BetrayedDad

@Kristy37 

There are only two options to make him "whole again".

1) He dumps you, which is appears he lacks the courage to do. More than likely you've lost more respect for him. (Not your fault, that's on HIM).

2) Buy your husband a night with a high-end escort and let him experience the porn star sex you got to have. YOU arrange the whole thing.

Otherwise, he will spend the rest of his life resenting (even silently) you for getting to experience something he was denied. Your marriage with be a lie.

I can assure you, he's probably just as bored in bed with you as you were with him... Let's not deny you said "no" to the same things you eagerly did with AP.

So are you willing to put your ego and pride aside and allow this (especially since you are his only lay) or only you get to have all the fun at his expense?


----------



## Sfort

People seem to be dumbfounded by her answers, but I think it’s because she’s being brutally honest. In fact, she’s telling us things that other betraying spouses have done in their affairs but are refusing to admit. Instead of being honest, they say, “I don’t remember,” “I didn’t enjoy it”, “I couldn’t feel anything”, or one of the other well-worn lies.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Butforthegrace said:


> You cheated on your husband with an AP who is a coworker
> It was a highly sexual affair. Among other things, you brought the AP into your marital home and had sex in your marital bed, and the AP gloated about this. Keep in mind that this was something you gave the AP, at the expense of your BH.
> You willingly performed sexual acts for the AP that you had previously denied your BH
> You continued having sex with the AP after your BH learned of the A. As I understand it, all of the sex was unprotected, meaning you exposed your unwitting BH to any STD that the AP might have.
> You still work with your AP
> You and your BH were first-and-onlies before the A. Now, you have had the experience of a fun sexual escapade with somebody new, but your BH's total life sexual experience is limited to the sex that you now describe as boring and routine, and only with one person.
> You and your AP discussed the fact that your BH is smaller than the AP.
> You still crave the AP sexually
> From the perspective of trauma, sexual humiliation, and emasculation, it would be difficult to imagine a fact scenario that is worse.


I mean.... only reason I think she could be possibly legit is all that happened to me except, 6 (we were not each other's first) and 7, mine's much bigger cause I saw the d!ck pic on her phone lol. Size is not a deterrence folks!!!!


----------



## Kristy37

I guess i said too much. Sorry if i over shared. I am never said i wasnt a terrible person for doing this.


----------



## Imnobodynew

OP?
Is cheap, shallow, disgusting affair sex really that pleasurable that you would sacrifice your husband's heart? That you think about it and you would do it again after confessing?
It seems to be a harsh question, but you need to answer it. To some, it is... to others they recognize it as trash and pales in comparison to real love.


----------



## HarryBosch

I've been reading this and although it is truly sad, it offers a perspective of frankness from both the OP and those that have responded. This forum clearly has a lot to offer when it comes to perspective and what we can learn, I'm just sorry that someones pain has to pitch the learning curve.


----------



## snowbum

I hope what you did sinks in. I hope you truly realize your husband will suffer anxiety, self doubt, second guess every time you didn’t answer a call, turned sec down, and wholeheartedly trusted you. That faith is gone. I hope a bigger **** was worth it.


----------



## Imnobodynew

snowbum said:


> I hope what you did sinks in. I hope you truly realize your husband will suffer anxiety, self doubt, second guess every time you didn’t answer a call, turned sec down, and wholeheartedly trusted you. That faith is gone. I hope a bigger **** was worth it.


For the rest of his life. No matter who is with. He will always be damaged and hurting..even if he stays with you..People don't recover from this kind of wound for decades. they learn to cope. That is what you have done....Please take to heart.


----------



## Butforthegrace

Kristy37 said:


> I am never said i wasnt a terrible person for doing this.


I actually don't think you're a terrible person. Also, that line of thinking is contra to healthy reconciliation.

In fact, you've been courageous and honest here, to a degree. You actually seem like a pretty good person all around.

Rather, what I'd say is that you did an extremely hurtful, even hateful thing to your husband. That doesn't make you a bad person per se. It may simply be your subconscious telling you that you don't actually wish to be married to your husband, but you can't acknowledge that so you just killed the marriage in a passive-aggressive way. Or, it may mean that you married too young, grew into your whole adult self, and that evolved self no longer wishes to be married.

My point is, there are other ways to view these facts other than "I'm a terrible person". Further, "I'm a terrible person" is a sort of backward way of seeking sympathy, when in fact you are the bad actor here. It's your actions that are terrible, not your character.


----------



## HarryBosch

Sfort said:


> People seem to be dumbfounded by her answers, but I think it’s because she’s being brutally honest. In fact, she’s telling us things that other betraying spouses have done in their affairs but are refusing to admit. Instead of being honest, they say, “I don’t remember,” “I didn’t enjoy it”, “I couldn’t feel anything”, or one of the other well-worn lies.


This is exactly why it I'm sure is being read by those that have sowed the seed of distrust in their spouses. I have yet to see a level of honesty on this forum like this... and it sheds light on everything from betrayal to mistrust to acceptance.... it may all be unhealthy but the brutal honesty of betrayal is clearly on display.


----------



## Imnobodynew

Kristy37 said:


> I guess i said too much. Sorry if i over shared. I am never said i wasnt a terrible person for doing this.


I don't think you overshared, this helps the community that wants to help you understand how. I think this is still about you from some of your responses. Butforthegrace can be articulated as this: Instead of saying you are a terrible person, you are a broken person., rather you did an extremely horrible thing to someone. This needs to be about your husband not you....


----------



## snowbum

Yah, it’s bad character. People of good character don’t continuously lie. People of good character don’t break vows to be faithful in their home and continue after being completely honest. Likewise they don’t use a bland reason of boredom to ruin a life. She could have instigated kinky sec. Used a toy. Had a talk. And if that happened with no response, then separate. These actions are hateful, they aren’t a bored mom. They are entirely calculated to cause pain.

Yes, you did very ****ty things and while doing them showed ****ty character. I think that’s hard to come back from.


----------



## Sfort

HarryBosch said:


> This is exactly why it I'm sure is being read by those that have sowed the seed of distrust in their spouses. I have yet to see a level of honesty on this forum like this... and it sheds light on everything from betrayal to mistrust to acceptance.... it may all be unhealthy but the brutal honesty of betrayal is clearly on display.


Moreover, it demonstrates the most likely truthful answer to the “why” question: It was exciting and fun. Pure lust.


----------



## Kristy37

Imnobodynew said:


> I don't think you overshared, this helps the community that wants to help you understand how. I think this is still about you from some of your responses. Butforthegrace can be articulated as this: Instead of saying you are a terrible person, you are a broken person., rather you did an extremely horrible thing to someone. This needs to be about your husband not you....


Ok point taken. I'll be sure to focus on him a lot more here.


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## snowbum

Sure. But that kind of fun is soul crushing. A few minutes of fun justifies years of pain?


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## BetrayedDad

snowbum said:


> Sure. But that kind of fun is soul crushing. A few minutes of fun justifies years of pain?


LOL at thinking they considered "consequences".... why else do you think they don't use protection?


----------



## HarryBosch

Now that she's gotten it from all sides... I've heard some solutions. whats next OP? What kind of things are you thinking of implementing to save the things you want to save, what moves do want to make to mop this mess up?


----------



## DudeInProgress

Kristy37 said:


> I guess i said too much. Sorry if i over shared. I am never said i wasnt a terrible person for doing this.


Don’t apologize, your apparent honesty and transparency (now) is probably your only saving grace here, and probably the only reason most of the folks here are genuinely trying to help you navigate the nightmare you created. You seem to be doing the right things at this point, so stay the course, if that’s what your husband wants.

One question you never really addressed though, the lack of respect you had for your husband as a man. 
The level of degradation you subjected him to by bringing the other man into his home and his bed, by ****ing him again after you confessed.
Those things are not just making a selfish, destructive decision. Those things are only made possible by a fundamental lack of respect for your husband as a man. 
Have you explored that with yourself/your individual therapist?


----------



## TAMAT

Kristy,

I think most affairs are this intense as you have written, but are minimized and details are omitted as part of trickle truth. You ripped the band aid off all at once which is preferable to trickle truth.

I'm glad you were perfectly honest about everything, I suspect that your BH will be able to respect you even if he divorces you.

One way to think of affairs is as addictions and in your case the OM is like a drug dealer. Of course you went back to the OM you were in withdrawal, in some ways you are still addicted to the OM and will always be this is your new reality.

I wish that my W had been as honest I could have made an informed decision.


----------



## Kristy37

DudeInProgress said:


> Don’t apologize, your apparent honesty and transparency (now) is probably your only saving grace here, and probably the only reason most of the folks here are genuinely trying to help you navigate the nightmare you created. You seem to be doing the right things at this point, so stay the course, if that’s what your husband wants.
> 
> One question you never really addressed though, the lack of respect you had for your husband as a man.
> The level of degradation you subjected him to by bringing the other man into his home and his bed, by ****ing him again after you confessed.
> Those things are not just making a selfish, destructive decision. Those things are only made possible by a fundamental lack of respect for your husband as a man.
> Have you explored that with yourself/your individual therapist?


We are just delving into it. To be honest at this point I don't fully understand that aspect yet. I'm trying to.


----------



## Imnobodynew

Kristy37 said:


> Ok point taken. I'll be sure to focus on him a lot more here.


Can you answer this question honestly? If your AP or anyone like your AP came back can you safely say it wasn't worth it? Can you tell your husband that? Projecting out ten years, will you be craving it, more than your marriage or your husband? I ask this because I was asked this. It's a very real question. Regardless of your husband's desire to stay married, if you cant do it..can you let him go?


----------



## BetrayedDad

DudeInProgress said:


> One question you never really addressed though, the lack of respect you had for your husband as a man.
> The level of degradation you subjected him to by bringing the other man into his home and his bed, by ****ing him again after you confessed.
> Those things are not just making a selfish, destructive decision. Those things are only made possible by a fundamental lack of respect for your husband as a man.
> Have you explored that with yourself/your individual therapist?


He won't leave her, so is she wrong not to respect him? I don't think so.

Once a woman "checks out" they NEVER check back in. She'll be pretending the rest of her life.


----------



## Kristy37

Imnobodynew said:


> Can you answer this question honestly? If your AP or anyone like your AP came back can you safely say it wasn't worth it? Can you tell your husband that? Projecting out ten years, will you be craving it, more than your marriage or your husband? I ask this because I was asked this. It's a very real question. Regardless of your husband's desire to stay married, if you cant do it..can you let him go?


I believe I can but honestly need to put more thought into it all.


----------



## Imnobodynew

Kristy37 said:


> I believe I can but honestly need to put more thought into it all.


That's a good place to be. When the guilt wears off and you have to face the real you.... it's frightening.


----------



## manwithnoname

After getting caught up on this thread and reading all the “honesty”, I can honestly say I sincerely hope OP’s husband divorces her, because I don’t think it’s possible to recover from that, and I would hope no one would put themselves through that.

Of course, it’s his life and his choice.

I’m out.


----------



## Rus47

Kristy37 said:


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


So you must have let him know how much bigger he was than your husband. Did he laugh about your husband?


----------



## Rus47

Cynthia said:


> He is trying to process it. He may not even remember asking the same question over and over. He could also be looking for cracks in the story to see if you add, subtract, or change the story. He's trying to establish a baseline.


He is maybe hoping somehow it is just a nightmare he will awaken from. Alas, it will last the rest of his days on this sad planet.


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## BigDaddyNY

Kristy37 said:


> Yes he did. I confessed to it right away.


Your husband is a rug sweeper. He is showing you that you can cheat, tell him about it, go back for some more, tell him and he still won't do what needs to be done and ditch you. I would bet big money you will do this again. You have suffered no consequences for your actions.


----------



## bobert

It does seem suspect, with how many boxes the OP is ticking and the way they are posting (emotionless, knowing the lingo, and giving more and more info as it's basically handed to them). We have seen this before and the thread is later closed and OP banned. 

It does happen IRL though. Most of the same boxes, and then some, were ticked in my situation and in a situation that I know of IRL. 

I'd like to think it doesn't happen but I know all to well that it does. So who knows.


----------



## DudeInProgress

BetrayedDad said:


> He won't leave her, so is she wrong not to respect him? I don't think so.
> 
> Once a woman "checks out" they NEVER check back in. She'll be pretending the rest of her life.


OP, the above is another fair point/question to think about.
Does your husband’s immediate willingness to reconcile and stay with you (and accept this level of betrayal and disrespect) increase your respect/desire for him, or erode it even further? I strongly suspect it’s the latter.

Once you get past the initial relief that he didn’t blow up your wold and dump you on the spot, this issue will likely manifest itself, loudly.


----------



## Rus47

TexasMom1216 said:


> No. It can't be the norm. 😟 I'm sure it is though, cheaters compartmentalize and tell themselves it's "different" with different people.


The illicit nature of an affair and the endorphins from a new relationship drive the sex to heights they have never been before. It IS the NORM. A WW will *ALWAYS* do *ANYTHING* her AP wants, to keep him coming back for more. Anything he can imagine and tell her he wants, he will have no questions asked. She will do things with him her husband was refused from day one. There are threads on here where the wayward admitted to her husband doing stuff I never even knew existed! Like rimming for example. 

If the affair ends, the WW will still never do for her poor husband what she did with her AP. Because she wants to keep those things "special" in her memories. To savor long after AP is gone.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Rus47 said:


> The illicit nature of an affair and the endorphins from a new relationship drive the sex to heights they have never been before. It IS the NORM. A WW will *ALWAYS* do *ANYTHING* her AP wants, to keep him coming back for more. Anything he can imagine and tell her he wants, he will have no questions asked. She will do things with him her husband was refused from day one. There are threads on here where the wayward admitted to her husband doing stuff I never even knew existed! Like rimming for example.
> 
> If the affair ends, the WW will still never do for her poor husband what she did with her AP. Because she wants to keep those things "special" in her memories. To savor long after AP is gone.


It’s so sad. WH are the same I’m sure.


----------



## Megaforce

Kristy37 said:


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


How would he know about your husband's size? Did you disclose?


----------



## HarryBosch

BetrayedDad said:


> So hubby gets a hooker, then he has his own "spank bank" to cherish for years. I gave her the solution, her ego won't allow it to happen. Let's ask hubby OP, see what he thinks about it?


I know the whole brutally honest thing here, I've gotten my fair share of it myself. But she came here for help. Is making fun of her and embarrassing her continually necessary?


----------



## Kristy37

He asked me and i told him


Megaforce said:


> How would he know about your husband's size? Did you disclose?


He asked me and i told him


----------



## Rus47

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s so sad. WH are the same I’m sure.


Not from what I read on these forums. The dynamic is different. And usually the BW is more interested in whether her WH became EMOTIONALLY attached. Did he tell his AP that he LOVED her. For the WH, it is "just sex" and which acts, what positions, etc aren't that much of a driving force.


----------



## BetrayedDad

HarryBosch said:


> I know the whole brutally honest thing here, I've gotten my fair share of it myself. But she came here for help. Is making fun of her and embarrassing her continually necessary?


I'm serious as a heart attack friend. The entire principle behind the justice system is to make a person whole again. What's the alternative, never ending questions and resentment? There's an easy fix for that. He gets to sip the margarita too...

Of course, why would she be okay with that? She might get jealous....


----------



## DudeInProgress

BetrayedDad said:


> So hubby gets a hooker, then he has his own "spank bank" to cherish for years. I gave her the solution, her ego won't allow it to happen. Let's ask hubby OP, see what he thinks about it?


negative, a hooker would be even more degrading to the husband.

No, what would actually be the closest thing to “balancing the scales“ (which can never really be achieved) would be for him to go out and have his own passionate sexual affair with a woman who truly desires him as a man.

That would be the only way to even get anywhere close to bringing back relative symmetry on the sexual front.

Still wouldn’t help with the betrayal, disrespect and degradation though.


----------



## ConanHub

Kristy37 said:


> I am yes


I really didn't want to jump in but if course the other guy is going to be exciting. He's got a lot of notches on his wang and you're just one of many.


Your poor husband has only had you.

I haven't reviewed the whole thread but are you both in counseling?

I think you need some very experienced and professional help to surmount this.

Why should your husband settle for just you when you obviously didn't afford him the same consideration?

Doesn't he deserve excitement too?

How are you going to overcome this pile of crap you dumped on your family?

How are you going to help your betrayed husband to overcome your nonsense?

I'm not trying to dump on you. I'm asking legitimate questions that need answering and you will probably need a lot of professional help to be able to answer some of these questions and find workable solutions.

You ruined something very rare that most people don't have.

How do you repair it and strengthen it?

You must realize that far more experienced women could probably blow your husband's mind far better than you as well?

I'm not suggesting he stray. I'm getting your head into the reality of the mess you made.

I suggest you do the "heavy lifting" and research how to help your husband heal from your affair and start looking up marriage therapists and/or counselors with experience with infidelity. It might take a while to find a good one and it's a lot of work but it's the least you can do.

This is your mess to clean up and your husband's choice is if he even accepts your efforts as enough for him.

If you haven't looked into professional help, do so.


----------



## ConanHub

Kristy37 said:


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


This just keeps getting better. Did you talk about your husband's penis compared to your AP's?

This is right out of a bad story.


----------



## Rus47

@Kristy37, did you write that you both paying for MC? If so, for what purpose? I could imagine that he especially needs IC, but what at this stage in things does MC accomplish besides building the counselor's bank account.

How will you avoid going free agent again 1, 2, 5, 10 years from now? That is on you, MC isnt going to change that outcome.


----------



## BetrayedDad

DudeInProgress said:


> negative, a hooker would be even more degrading to the husband.
> 
> No, what would actually be the closest thing to “balancing the scales“ (which can never really be achieved) would be for him to go out and have his own passionate sexual affair with a woman who truly desires him as a man.


Disagree, I don't condone lying or revenge affairs.

OP must sanction him sleeping with another woman.

If he can pick up a girl at a bar then I doubt she would of had the affair.

Based on what I've heard, I'm guessing an escort is a much easier option.....

Does it erase what she did? Nope. Does it balance the scales more, definitely.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Rus47 said:


> Not from what I read on these forums. The dynamic is different. And usually the BW is more interested in whether her WH became EMOTIONALLY attached. Did he tell his AP that he LOVED her. For the WH, it is "just sex" and which acts, what positions, etc aren't that much of a driving force.


I get called out for generalizations and sexist stuff like this. This is absolutely incorrect for me. If it’s “just sex” with her, it’s “just sex” with me too. It’s dumb for any woman to think or believe the transparent lie that she is different or special to him. This is just yet another way to say that it’s ok when men are unfaithful, because it means something “different” to them. So it’s ok for men because “it’s different because I “love” you.” That you think this way changes my opinion of you. Cheating should be wrong for everyone. That’s a shame, I’m disappointed in who you turned out to be.


----------



## bobert

I can say from personal experience that revenge affairs can help in some ways but they also add _a lot _more problems and complications to an already overflowing plate. If someone is going to take that route, buckle up for an even more hellish ride.


----------



## Cynthia

Kristy37 said:


> I guess i said too much. Sorry if i over shared. I am never said i wasnt a terrible person for doing this.


You are answering questions. That's not over-sharing.

Revenge affairs don't help the marriage. They have agreed to work on the marriage. That means the marriage has to be closed. She needs to rebuild trust. That is going to take a long time. Her husband going out and finding a prostitute only brings more drama into the situation and a much greater possibility of STDs. I think it's an insult to the husband to even suggest such a thing.


----------



## colingrant

*Comments and Questions: *



> He has never cheated no. I came here because I think the more I think about it and try to figure it out the better. Hoping this place is another tool for that


.
Well said and quite courageous of you.


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


*Q: Maybe I missed it but how did AP know of your husband's size? Did you share this with him? 

Q: I read where you never badmouthed your husband, but did you defend him when AP was belittling (my term) his size? If not, why?*


> He hasn't contacted me at all and is already seeing someone else. If he stops seeing her I could see him contacting me again and I'm trying to be aware and prepared for that.





> I am still physically attracted to him


I'm not surprised but I am very concerned for you here. Sex and lust has powers nothing else has outside of God. Physical attraction and lust compromises the strongest of people who are willing to risk any and everything as you already know. You chose sex with your AP over your husband and family. Only a second chance with a reasonable, even tempered man offers you a chance to redefine your future life.
*Q: What did you expect the outcome to be? It had to cross your mind, no? *

I'm concerned because your attraction (to him) makes you more vulnerable than you think. The fact that you went back for more after confession should reveal to you the power of lust and the AP holds the power. He has no wife or life to lose. Lust beats logic and discipline more times than not.

The opposite of this can be offered in other examples. Very often, betrayed men and women who are married to very attractive and sexy wayward spouses are no longer attracted to them post affair. They still consider there spouse to be attractive but are no longer attracted *"to them"* if that makes sense. In fact, men go limp when they would normally be erect.

It's because of the pain that person has caused. In your case, your pain and that of your husband has not curbed your attraction to AP. Your body can't deny attraction and offers a true unfiltered read on where you are so I'm assuming you're reading your personal reaction to his presence. Just wanted to make you aware you're still extremely dangerous for your husband and family and it's quadrupled by still working with him.


> It of course bothers him a great deal that I still work with the man.


Although you have seemingly responded favorably for your husband you are still unknowingly selfish and choosing yourself and your AP. You fear today's employment climate but don't fear adding to your husband's pain each day you leave for work. He may not say it because he doesn't want to tell you everything that you're supposed to do, but immediately severing all ties to anything that makes your husband feel unsafe is something you are supposed to do!

The response of your husband gives me the impression he's a thinker. The fact that you are still working with the AP is the 3rd most significant fact for me personally, following the affair itself and going back for another round post confession. Each day you have chosen to work with AP are days of which your have chosen yourself and AP over husband and family. As a thinker he could very well conclude this as well. Might want to rethink this, pronto.

His recovery is up to him however his safety and security is up to you for as long as you're married and has you and your family to oversee. Only you can provide this. Texting and communicating from work means nothing considering the ruthless influence AP has. You've already been in the affair and know full well a rendezvous only takes minutes. Despite your candidness you appear very far off the mark.
*Q: How did the affair end up in your home bedroom? Was it your AP's wish and was it frequent? Were you 100% positive your husband wouldn't come home or did your lust win over your husband possibly coming home?*


> My husband hasnt changed.


He's changed. You just don't quite know where yet and neither does he. It's impossible to not be deeply effected in a traumatic way. Don't allow his strength of presence to falsely give you a read that's less serious than it actually is.


> He keeps asking the same questions.


A written timeline might help. Maybe.


> Thank you. I have been consistent, even graphic when he requests it


.
The graphic part might be a way for him to scale the level of betrayal. For instance it's one thing to cheat. It's another thing to cheat at home. Then it's another thing to cheat without protection. Then it's another thing to cheat while trying to get pregnant with your husband. See how it builds. Each step is a decision that's made for your husband or against him. He has to know who his wife is before he can reconcile with her. By the way if you weren't thinking about him then that's essentially saying you didn't care enough to stop. I just wanted to put in perspective why he may be asking for the details.
*Q. Your husband confronted and you confessed. What were your plans for the affair?

Questions your husband might ask if he hasn't already*

What if you got pregnant?
How long were you going to have the affair?
Did you think of me and if so, was I not enough to stop the betrayal?
How much of our financial resources were used to advance the affair?
Have I met the AP?
What does he know of me?
Did you choose to be with him during our anniversary, holidays or special times?
Who else knows at work?

All the above is an offering to foster further thought and discussion in areas possibly not considered. Just dispose of what doesn't provide this and hopefully you can use what does.


----------



## Megaforce

Kristy37 said:


> He asked me and i told him
> He asked me and i told him


Yikes. Be honest, do you really love your husband? The things you describe doing seem to indicate you do not. Some of the stuff seems gratuitously cruel.
And how on earth did STD testing not enter your mind until now? You have exposed your husband to the other guy's entire se ual history. That is mind bogglingly dangerous. You seem to have no problem risking your husband's life. Amazing.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Cynthia said:


> I think it's an insult to the husband to even suggest such a thing.


Know what's more insulting? Screwing another guy in his bed. 

That ship sailed a long time ago..... He's welcome to use a rubber.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Here are my thoughts about this situation. You describe this whole affair in a rather blase and indifferent manner. It is clear that you do not respect or love your husband, It is also clear that you did subconciously "bash" your husband when with the other man. Why else would you tell him the truth about the comparison in sizes when you knew he got off on emasculating your husband (having sex with his one and only wife in his home and then having the wife confirm that his **** was bigger). You knew what you were doing and quite cruelly sticking it to your husband for your own twisted enjoyment. And now you casually say that "well, I was honest with him and I wanted it to be his choice" while we all know that you would be with the other piece of crap if you thought it would last (you know what he is and would definitely not be long term partner material). 

So what you should consider is this: why is your husband still trying to make it work when nothing (and I do mean nothing) suggests that he should? There is something wrong and broken with him and if therapy manages to repair him and restore his self-esteem, he is going to be out of this marriage like a bat out of hell (like he should have in the first place). So for whoever is commending you on being "honest" and suggesting that you keep going, you are enabling this on-going cruelty and if you really cared about him, you would be honest and tell him that you do not love him, cannot see yourself changing your opinion about him, and let him go try some strange like you have.

You have to divorce him - he is clearly not thinking clearly right now.

And maybe you will be honest with us and tell us the real reason you want to "stay" with your husband. You fancy the other craphead, he is better endowed, you had no problem with emasculating your husband for his and your pleasure etc. So why stay?


----------



## Rus47

TexasMom1216 said:


> I get called out for generalizations and sexist stuff like this. This is absolutely incorrect for me. If it’s “just sex” with her, it’s “just sex” with me too. It’s dumb for any woman to think or believe the transparent lie that think she different or special to him. This is just yet another way to say that it’s ok when men are unfaithful, because it means something “different” to them. So it’s ok for men because “it’s different because I “love” you.” That you think this way changes my opinion of you. Cheating should be wrong for everyone. That’s a shame, I’m disappointed in who you turned out to be.


Whoa. I only know what I read on these forums. And what I read is that the dynamic of a WH and a WW are different because the genders are different. I honestly know nothing of this stuff other than what those who have gone through it write. 

Cheating for either gender is 100% wrong of course. I was describing what I read as the mentality of the cheater and the mindset seems different by gender.

Apologies


----------



## HarryBosch

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm serious as a heart attack friend. The entire principle behind the justice system is to make a person whole again. What's the alternative, never ending questions and resentment? There's an easy fix for that. He gets to sip the margarita too...
> 
> Of course, why would she be okay with that? She might get jealous....


While I agree, I think your hooker point has been taken. I just don't find how it helps to pound it into her that her husband deserves to have an affair a couple more times. I'm sure she at this point in her confession is well aware of how she would feel if it was done to her. But nevertheless, I respect your opinion.


----------



## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> I get called out for generalizations and sexist stuff like this. This is absolutely incorrect for me. If it’s “just sex” with her, it’s “just sex” with me too. It’s dumb for any woman to think or believe the transparent lie that think she different or special to him. This is just yet another way to say that it’s ok when men are unfaithful, because it means something “different” to them. So it’s ok for men because “it’s different because I “love” you.” That you think this way changes my opinion of you. Cheating should be wrong for everyone. That’s a shame, I’m disappointed in who you turned out to be.


Many men ( probably due to insecurity) have a hard time accepting that women can like sex with no emotional involvement.
The fact is that women, often, have higher sex drives and greater capacity and stamina than many men. They have the ability to have multiple orgasms without the recovery time a man requires and can accommodate a multiple partners in a short time period.


----------



## DudeInProgress

BetrayedDad said:


> Disagree, I don't condone lying or revenge affairs.
> 
> OP must sanction him sleeping with another woman.
> 
> If he can pick up a girl at a bar then I doubt she would of had the affair.
> 
> Based on what I've heard, I'm guessing an escort is a much easier option.....
> 
> Does it erase what she did? Nope. Does it balance the scales more, definitely.


1. I’m not suggesting a secret revenge affair 
2. OP does not need to sanction it. Husband could simply tell her - this is what’s going to happen and you can either either accept it as part of my healing process or not.
3. If OP’s husband is not the type of man who could (after perhaps some guidance and effort) find and engage another woman who would be interested in him sexually - then that’s a problem that’s on him that he needs to address. And if that’s the case, it probably contributed to OP’s lack of desire for him.


----------



## BetrayedDad

HarryBosch said:


> While I agree, I think your hooker point has been taken. I just don't find how it helps to pound it into her that her husband deserves to have an affair a couple more times. I'm sure she at this point in her confession is well aware of how she would feel if it was done to her. But nevertheless, I respect your opinion.


Fair enough, she's gotten the point. For the record, it's not my plan A.

Plan A is he WAKES up from fantasy land and dumps her. I'm suggesting an alternative that keeps them together without one-sided resentment. Where is the heavy lifting from her in all this?


----------



## TexasMom1216

Megaforce said:


> Many men ( probably due to insecurity) have a hard time accepting that women can like sex with no emotional involvement.
> The fact is that women, often, have higher sex drives and greater capacity and stamina than many men. They have the ability to have multiple orgasms without the recovery time a man requires and can accommodate a multiple partners in a short time period.


I don’t disagree with your post but I’m not sure of the connection to my post? Im honestly asking, I truly don’t understand and want to. Will you explain?


----------



## jsmart

Rus47 said:


> So you must have let him know how much bigger he was than your husband. Did he laugh about your husband?


That is what makes her affair so much worse than just the typical affair. There was no compartmentalization that most WW do to try to not make themselves be the bad guy. There was a thread on SI by "MADEAMISTAKE" little of a year ago of a WW who had an affair with her husband's boss. That WW's OM made a point of wanting to have sex in every room in their house, including their marital bed. There was 1 room she said they didn't do it, even though he wanted to. I'm assuming t was their 3 year kids room. That OM got off on saying humiliating things about her husband, and she admitted that she went along with it. It finally got to be too much for her when he wanted her to call the husband so he could have sex with her while she talked to her husband. 

In OP's affair, she allowed the OM to say humiliating things about her husband while they were having sex and I'd bed my next mortgage payment that she participated and got off on it. How do you go from humiliating your husband to all of a sudden wanting to save the marriage. After confessing, she even continued to have sex with the guy for an additional week. And I'm sure it wasn't only 1 last romp either. 

How do you look at your broken husband eyes and then continue to have sex with OM? Simple, she doesn't really love her husband. She may have some fondness for him after all these years, appreciate him as a provider and a father to their kids but as a man, nope, that's not love. Could there be in time? Maybe, but I'm truly concerned that she's vulnerable to hooking up with OM again. Right now he's pulled away with a new girl, but he will come back around for more. What OM doesn't want another taste of another man's wife that he got to debase herself. Talk about ego boost. She admitted that she's still attracted to him, and I detected in her description of him being with another woman, a hint of jealousy. She doesn't even know it but she's so ripe for OM to come back and retake her.

I


----------



## DudeInProgress

BetrayedDad said:


> And that guilt is mostly mitigated with an approved and paid for escort by the OP.
> 
> Not sneaking around from WH. Revenge affairs don't work...


Dude, if OP has to approve it, her husband is still operating in her paradigm, like a child. 
And he doesn’t need a hooker, he needs a woman who is attracted to him and wants to willingly share her self with him sexually.

He doesn’t need her to approve anything at this point. He could simply tell her I’m going to do X because I think it will help me. You can accept that or not.


----------



## BetrayedDad

DudeInProgress said:


> Dude, if OP has to approve it, her husband is still operating in her paradigm, like a child.
> And he doesn’t need a hooker, he needs a woman who is attracted to him and wants to willingly share her self with him sexually.
> 
> He doesn’t need her to approve anything at this point. He could simply tell her I’m going to do X because I think it will help me. You can accept that or not.


If she doesn't accept it and he does it, it's a revenge affair and he's no better than her. Just divorce.

He can inform her and if she has an ounce of respect or remorse left for her hubby, then she will say "okay".

Even her offering it and him saying "no" but knowing she would be willing to do that is a HUGE positive for OP. It shows a willingness to "sacrifice" after all her selfiness.


----------



## HarryBosch

jsmart said:


> That is what makes her affair so much worse than just the typical affair. There was no compartmentalization that most WW do to try to not make themselves be the bad guy. There was a thread on SI by "MADEAMISTAKE" little of a year ago of a WW who had an affair with her husband's boss. That WW's OM made a point of wanting to have sex in every room in their house, including their marital bed. There was 1 room she said they didn't do it, even though he wanted to. I'm assuming t was their 3 year kids room. That OM got off on saying humiliating things about her husband, and she admitted that she went along with it. It finally got to be too much for her when he wanted her to call the husband so he could have sex with her while she talked to her husband.
> 
> In OP's affair, she allowed the OM to say humiliating things about her husband while they were having sex and I'd bed my next mortgage payment that she participated and got off on it. How do you go from humiliating your husband to all of a sudden wanting to save the marriage. After confessing, she even continued to have sex with the guy for an additional week. And I'm sure it wasn't only 1 last romp either.
> 
> How do you look at your broken husband eyes and then continue to have sex with OM? Simple, she doesn't really love her husband. She may have some fondness for him after all these years, appreciate him as a provider and a father to their kids but as a man, nope, that's not love. Could there be in time? Maybe, but I'm truly concerned that she's vulnerable to hooking up with OM again. Right now he's pulled away with a new girl, but he will come back around for more. What OM doesn't want another taste of another man's wife that he got to debase herself. Talk about ego boost. She admitted that she's still attracted to him, and I detected in her description of him being with another woman, a hint of jealousy. She doesn't even know it but she's so ripe for OM to come back and retake her.
> 
> I


as I continue reading this I feel myself getting more ticked off. If I had a wife that did this I would truly be angry. Having been married for as many years that I have, and now divorced, I'm really getting an education on how brutal some people are to each other... and this is brutal. I can't imagine how this husband must feel... and even worse if this was in a small town.

Personally I would probably do something to the AP that would be unpleasant... and would probably get me into trouble.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Honestly, from what you have shared, and that your husband wants to R after all of this, I have lost way more respect for your husband then I have for you. I see why you cheated. You knew there would be no consequences. 

I don’t know if this is real. You haven’t posted more than two sentences in any reply and haven’t talked once about any love you have for your husband, then or now.

I’m out also.


----------



## DudeInProgress

BetrayedDad said:


> If she doesn't accept it and he does it, it's a revenge affair and he's no better than her. Just divorce.


Totally disagree.
If I were advising him, I would advise him to take full and complete control of his own recovery/healing.
And if that includes him finding other women to **** for a while, then that’s his decision. As long as he’s upfront and open about it.
She doesn’t get to approve or disapprove anything at this point. If she can’t accept his course of action, she can end the reconciliation and divorce.


----------



## BetrayedDad

DudeInProgress said:


> Totally disagree.
> If I were advising him, I would advise him to take fall and complete control of his own recovery/healing.
> And if that includes him finding other women to **** for a while, then that’s his decision. As long as he’s upfront and open about it.
> She doesn’t get to approve or disapprove anything at this point. If she can’t accept his course of action, she can end the reconciliation and divorce.


And if he had that kind of courage and self confidence, he wouldn't be staying with her in the first place.

You can't have it both ways.


----------



## Cynthia

BetrayedDad said:


> Know what's more insulting? Screwing another guy in his bed.
> 
> That ship sailed a long time ago..... He's welcome to use a rubber.


Less insulting is still insulting.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I suspect things are going to take a huge turn for the worst once the hysterical bonding wanes. Right now he is trying to reclaim you but, he will eventually realize that is not 100% possible. Would I be right in assuming the AP is divorced due to prior infidelity?


----------



## DudeInProgress

BetrayedDad said:


> And if he had that kind of courage and self confidence, he wouldn't be staying with her in the first place.
> 
> You can't have it both ways.


Fair enough

Edit to add:
Which is why her husband really needs some good guidance here (and not from some marriage counselor)


----------



## Sfort

I don’t know. People here drag the truth out of new posters and then pat themselves on the back. She comes in here and starts with full disclosure and is brutally attacked. No wonder people come here and trickle truth. She’s not here for your approval. She’s here for help. If you don’t have anything helpful to add, just leave it.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Sfort said:


> I don’t know. People here drag the truth out of new posters and then pat themselves on the back. She comes in here and starts with full disclosure and is brutally attacked. No wonder people come here and trickle truth. She’s not here for your approval. She’s here for help. If you don’t have anything helpful to add, just leave it.


Actually, I think she’s been commended a number of times on her apparent honesty and transparency. Many posters have noted their appreciation of that, myself included. I think she’s received a very fair and reasonable mix of helpful guidance, support, and necessary/brutal reality.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Sfort said:


> She’s here for help.


She's not the one who needs help, her WH does.

She came her for self flagellation, not heavy lifting.

Are you reading the same posts I am? 

How many times is she going to call herself "terrible"?


----------



## snowbum

If you do t love or respect someone there’s no helping them


----------



## HarryBosch

Sfort said:


> I don’t know. People here drag the truth out of new posters and then pat themselves on the back. She comes in here and starts with full disclosure and is brutally attacked. No wonder people come here and trickle truth. She’s not here for your approval. She’s here for help. If you don’t have anything helpful to add, just leave it.


I said those exact same words. If I were reluctant to share and new here, reading posts, I would be more than a little hesitant to want to share or be honest.


----------



## ABHale

sideways said:


> Why in the world should a 13 + 11 yr old know what's going on at this juncture? They are KIDS for crying out loud.
> 
> Mommy + daddy are trying to figure things out right now and if they decide to go their separate ways they sit the kids down and have an age appropriate discussion on what's going on.
> 
> Why put all this weight on these innocent kids right now when they're trying to work things out?


They are old enough to know that mommy cheated. They don’t need the details.

They are seeing daddy colder then he was to mommy and that mommy is sad about it.

They will start to resent their dad for making the cheater sad.

They have the right to know that their dad has good reasons to get angry and sad at their mom.

If nothing else, they should know that mom did something that will take their dad years to get over.

I know this for a fact. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 4. I figured it out when i was 8 or 9. All of us kids went to live with our dad when we turn 13.

Your not protecting your kids. Your protecting your rep and how they see you. This will back fire on you.


----------



## snowbum

ABHale said:


> They are old enough to know that mommy cheated. They don’t need the details.
> 
> They are seeing daddy colder then he was to mommy and that mommy is sad about it.
> 
> They will start to resent their dad for make the cheater sad.
> 
> They have the right to know that their dad has good reasons to get angry and sad at their mom.
> 
> If nothing else, they should know that mom did something that will take their dad years to get over.
> 
> I know this for a fact. My mom cheated on my dad when I was 4. I figured it out when i was 8 or 9. All of us kids went to live with our dad when we turn 13.
> 
> Your not protecting your kids. Your protecting your rep and how they see you. This will back fire on you.


We’ll said. Great insight.


----------



## DudeInProgress

HarryBosch said:


> I said those exact same words. If I were reluctant to share and new here, reading posts, I would be more than a little hesitant to want to share or be honest.


Here’s the catch to that though, and the reality of it…
If an OP (whether wayward or betrayed) can’t handle tough questions, challenges, critiques, and even some insults, from strangers on the Internet, who are largely trying to help them - then there’s no way in hell they’re going to be capable of effectively handling their challenging marital situation with their spouse.

So really, anyone who is scared away that easily or has such thin skin as to huff and puff and bail, wasn’t going to be helped anyway.


----------



## ABHale

Kristy37 said:


> I am yes


Are you your husband’s first and only?

Because that can’t be said about you. First, yes. Only, never again


----------



## Tested_by_stress

ABHale said:


> Are you your husband’s first and only?
> 
> Because that can’t be said about you. First, yes. Only, never again


She said earlier in the thread that she is his first and only.


----------



## ABHale

Kristy37 said:


> No we didn't. Other than AP liked to talk about his size compared to my husband.


So, yes you did have disrespectful talks about your husband. How in the hell would he know he was bigger if you didn’t say so. Any compliments you gave your lover boy was a disrespectful conversation against your husband.

If ****ing him in your husband’s home wasn’t bad enough.


----------



## sokillme

Well OP you say you are on here because you want help but to help you I can't pull any punches. So understand some of what you read here will be hard. You should read it an really think about what I am saying. I have no reason to try to hurt you here, I don't care. But what I write is brutal, because what you did is brutal.

I don't think you have an idea yet what you are looking at. You husband is probably in shock right now. That will change.

First off it's not going to take 10 years it will be a lifetime. There is no chance that your relationship won't be forever changed. By cheating on your husband you were abusive to him, and understand this is no different than a guy who hits his wife, the only difference is the damage is emotional and you can't see it. It's not anything worthy of songs or for you to look back fondly on.

The size thing will probably always be an aspect of this thing for the rest of your husbands life even if he divorces you. He will probably always struggle with his size on. Not unlike a women whose husband leaves her face disfigured from a brutal beating.

Make no mistake that was your affair partners point. He brought that up to dominate your husband and also dominate you. Sounds like he got off on the power aspect of that, and since the man he wanted to humiliate is your husband it was just as much about dominating you as well. He knows you picked him to marry, and he wanted to basically make fun of both of you, while having sex with the guys wife. This is not domination as in control the whole losing yourself in abandon but as in to humiliate, to leave damage to carve his initials into your marriage, in a sense in you as the remainder for the rest of your life. I suspect that kind of thing was a big part of this whole thing.

I don't know how any spouse will ever feel safe again with a spouse who lets their affair partner belittle them. That is what you are looking at. You say stuff like you never planed to divorce and it happened because you were bored. What you did to alleviate that was to let another man belittle the man who you say you love so he could have a really good ejaculation and then feel powerful for a few days and you could have a rush. Guys like that also brag about it to other like minded guys, so be aware other people know. (To be very blunt about it.) Did the guy take trophies like pictures? They have probably been shared. Did he want to do it in your home? Again a way to dominate, humiliating both of you. This is about braking your stuff, because it's not his stuff. Tainting your house so that even when he is gone he will be there. Again it's all about power.

I wouldn't over think and try to figure out why you did it. Way too many people get stuck here. You already know why the basic reasons. You were bored and it felt great. It was exciting, I am sure it feel naughty. Listen everyone has the potential to feel those things. I am sure cheating is fun while you are in the middle of it. The sex is taboo and probably a great rush. There is nothing special about any of that though. Lots of things work like that. It's just that only some of them are at the expense of others. Violence has the potential to work like this too. I suspect it makes you feel very powerful. Everyone can feel this way, it's not magical or special, it's part of our nature. But lots of awful things are a part of our nature.

I didn't write all that to condemn you, but to make you really think about your affair. So you never again romanticize it but to see it and this guy for what it was.

My point is THAT'S THE REASON. All the hidden stuff that someone will charge you a fortune to dig around for is just ********. Don't waste your time.

The one caveat to that is if you knew it was about humiliation and that was attractive to you. Then that is something you need to really work through. I would suspect if this is the case you have some sort of sexual abuse in your history. Again you need to work through that. Maybe you were angry at your husband and wanted to have him be humiliate. Those are reasons to pay someone to help you.

Besides that the real question you need to ask yourself is how can you love someone and allow someone who is basically a stranger to things to intentionally belittle and humiliate that person just to feel good for a short period of time? How could you let a reaction to being bored do something to risk and eventually blow up your entire life. These are questions that when someone really starts to emotionally understand what they did usually haunts and takes a lifetime to figure out.

I will start the process by asking you some questions.


Do you love your husband?
What do you mean when you say that?
Why do you think you do when your actions show the opposite?
Do you or have you ever believed in loyalty?
Why were you not loyal to your husband just to feel good?
Why would it be any different now?
These questions will be difficult but believe me once your husband gets over his trauma he will be asking. You will need to be prepared with answers.


----------



## ABHale

Tested_by_stress said:


> She said earlier in the thread that she is his first and only.


Her husband isn’t the only man she has been with now. She can’t claim that anymore.


----------



## snowbum

She’s never said she loves her husband. Replied 51 times but never mentioned her loving him.


----------



## ABHale

@Kristy37 , if the situation was reversed, would you forgive your husband?

Would you keep quite about it?

Or, would your family and friends know what he did to you?

Many betrayed wives have kicked their cheating husbands out at first. Would you have done so?


----------



## BetrayedDad

snowbum said:


> She’s never said she loves her husband. Replied 51 times but never mentioned her loving him.


She might be the first honest cheater on this forum..... red flag!


----------



## jsmart

snowbum said:


> She’s never said she loves her husband. Replied 51 times but never mentioned her loving him.


That’s because she doesn’t really love him. She’s trying to muscle through R and says her husband is amazing, even though she humiliated him for her OM’s enjoyment. If OM were in love with her and wanted her for himself, does anyone here doubt that she would be gone?

Despite knowing that he used her like a free prostitute, I suspect that she still yearns for OM. It is only because he pulled back that affair hasn’t restarted. Will she be able to resist when he inevitably tries rekindle the affair? I hope so, but don’t really think she will be able to if he really pursues her hard.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

snowbum said:


> She’s never said she loves her husband. Replied 51 times but never mentioned her loving him.


Imho, i don't think you could possibly love someone and do what Kristy did. Hate maybe but love? No way.When you love someone, they matter to you. You don't shut it off and turn it back on at your leisure.


----------



## Cynthia

Kristy37 said:


> New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.
> 
> 37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.
> 
> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


Why did you stop the affair?
Do you love your husband?
Are you in love with your husband?
Why do you want to reconcile?


----------



## BigDaddyNY

ABHale said:


> Her husband isn’t the only man she has been with now. She can’t claim that anymore.


And if that wasn't bad enough, she confessed to him, which I'm sure included lots of crying, I'm sorry and I'll never do it again. Then she goes and breaks it off with the OM by sleeping with him again, then confessing to her husband AGAIN. She was saying all the right things here, but reality is she is a terrible person and he husband is a doormat for sticking around. I mean can you imagine? As if it wasn't enough that she cheated for 4 months, but she did it again literally right after she told her husband. Why in the world would he give her a third chance? She might as well go for a 4th chance. I mean it is obvious her husband won't leave.


----------



## Megaforce

TexasMom1216 said:


> I don’t disagree with your post but I’m not sure of the connection to my post? Im honestly asking, I truly don’t understand and want to. Will you explain?


I was trying to make the point that this oft stated opinion that WW and WH cheat for different reasons( the allegation that women cheat for more emotional reasons vs men for mere physical release) is not true. Many men want emotional intimacy as part of an affair and many women are simply seeking physical pleasure. I suspect the ratio is, roughly, equal.
When I was younger, decent looking etc. I was approached by many women looking just for sex, I mean a ton of times.
This appears to be true in this woman' s case. She just wanted some strange. She, clearly, cares little for her husband.


----------



## ABHale

Kristy37 said:


> Not proud of it but yes.


This proves you have no love for your husband. You don’t even care about him. Poor guy, he has no clue the hell you are going to put him through.


----------



## Willnotbill

Kristy37 said:


> Yes have discussed it. At this point I don't know what else i can tell him. *He keeps asking the same questions*.


If you stay together, your husband will ask questions for a long time. It could be years later and you think he's past it, he will be triggered by something and bring it up again and again and again. Being a betrayed spouse is some of the worst pain a person can go through. I think the only thing worse would be losing a child. Its a pain that will never go away so you will need to have a lot of patience with your husband if there is a chance to get through it. The best thing you can do is answer all of his questions honestly and completely. If he thinks you are hiding something then it will only make it worse.
All cheating is bad but after reading your story I think you have a real uphill battle. Repairing your marriage is nearly impossible and will require a lot of from both of you, but especially you.


----------



## frenchpaddy

HarryBosch said:


> I know the whole brutally honest thing here, I've gotten my fair share of it myself. But she came here for help. Is making fun of her and embarrassing her continually necessary?


 One thing that sticks me is the Self-righteousness is a sin all people are guilty of but often oblivious to in their own selves. Along with other important lessons,in the bible . Jesus’ encounter with the woman caught in adultery exposes this pharisaical, hypocritical tendency in us all. 

Many here are willing to stone the woman , others are portending to be shocked but AT THE SAME TIME ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT SEX ACTS showing their own kinky side , but very little has been offered in the way of advice on how two people make their marriage better 

This provides an excellent example for us to follow when we find ourselves reacting judgmentally or with an attitude of self-righteousness toward someone else’s sin.


----------



## frenchpaddy

What about what the husband wants , she has said this man gave her attention , she was tempted and she admits she did wrong , she slipped and stepped onto a path that brought her into something that was far from what she normally would do. 

They have I think 2 children so far are not affected by her affair 
some here made a big deal of she ended the affair, BUT how do people come to end any relationship , 
I have never ended a relationship in my life , so I don't know , it was not as if she was seeing the lover every day 
her husbands wants to stay and keep the family together 
does his love for her his wiliness to rebuild a life together 

Every couple has the right to make their own rules, 
Modern relationships are experiencing a revolution 
It is really the first time in recent history that couples allow themselves the freedom to put the culturally prescribed norms aside and define their own ways of being together. We are no longer assuming what the rules are; we are negotiating them together. For many couples, 

THE day is long gone that you expect to have sex with a virgin on your honeymoon,
we no longer put a woman through a test to prove she was a virgin like Lady DI before her wedding 

this couple will have to find the way to rebuild trust in each other 
some here think she should find him a escort , 
I at one time in my marriage was offered this by my wife not because she had cheated but because she had been raped before I met her which had a very bad effect on our sex life, 
there was a time that when making love we would get to a point and then she would kick out with the power of a horse 
then say sorry and in a effort to make it better offed to get a escort , the thought of it was sicking , 

It is the level of trust that we place in each other that gives meaning to the rules we define together, as we rely on each other to respect them. When trust is compromised or broken, most couples doubt their ability to move on. MOST split up, Yet, there are many who decide to give a relationship another chance. On their path towards recovering broken trust, many couples find ways to reconnect on a more profound level. 

So, what breaks it is what makes it, and what makes it is a range of expectations and behaviors that differs from couple to couple. When we talk and read about broken trust, we usually refer to infidelity, 
It’s important to notice that there are different layers of trust, and some things are more at the core of it than others. Simply put, some rules are more important than others. For some couples, The strongest couples are the ones that can talk about their feelings openly 


The emotional response depends on the damage a transgression has caused to your relationship.
It differs in its intensity, and it includes a cocktail of emotions: anger, frustration, guilt, remorse, sadness, betrayal,
One of the most important reasons for which broken trust causes so much pain is the vulnerability that’s behind it. We never have a 100% guarantee that a person will be true to us, but we nevertheless choose to believe and act as we do. It is a leap into the unknown at the risk of getting hurt. Broken trust can shatter our ideas of love, mutual care, commitment, sense of emotional safety 
This is why some describe the act that broke trust as the relationship’s death sentence. The experience of betrayal through a transgression 

It is important for each partner to reflect on what they are feeling and allow each other to process the wide-ranging emotions they might be feeling.Time heals all , but as one, at least one poster said he will never forget, but don't ask him to forget 

There’s a person who broke the trust – the villain, and the victim, a person who suffers the consequences of the transgression. But we are not going to stone her. Let the one without sin through the first stone.
the villain then shows remorse and does whatever is possible to regain the trust and earn the forgiveness of the victim. On the other side, it’s the victim who defines the path of rebuilding trust because the forgiveness is in their hands only. It’s the victim who is allowed to have and express strong emotions when the villain is denied the opportunity to do so. The villain has no rights; the victim has all of them.
This dynamic is not useful in recovering trust. These roles are not focused on recovery but on the interplay of guilt and power. While a person in the victim role can say, “How can I trust them to never lie to me again?” the supposed villain can ask, “How can I trust them not to punish me for this for the rest of my life?” The point is, if a couple decides to work towards recovery, there’s no privileged role. Both partners need to sit shoulder to shoulder, looking at the aftermath of transgression, discussing ways they can move forward. 
The road starts with each partner taking the time to reflect on how this experience affected them. Before they join the efforts to discuss ways to move forward, both partners should consider their own needs and expectations. 

Another question, a couple needs to answer together is: “Where do we begin?” Talking things through and rebuilding the small rituals a couple used to share can be a start. Depending on what partners need from each other, it’s useful to agree on certain priorities. Not everything can be fixed at once, but one step at a time can make a big difference. In rebuilding trust, a couple needs to relearn how to walk before they can run again.
This is a topic to be addressed with each other and/or in counseling, if available to a couple. One of the most difficult aspects of being patient with a partner is not knowing whether the distance and the passing of time are bringing you closer or pulling you further apart. 

Healing the damage in the aftermath of infidelity and dishonesty is a challenging process.
Yet, it’s the one that can teach us about ourselves and our needs from the partner and the relationship. This increased awareness allows us to make better choices, whether we choose to stay together or start new with someone else.


----------



## Diana7

Must admit that if I was cheated on the thought of them having cheated in my house in my own bed would be the ultimate in betrayal and disrespect. Then the fact that it was supposed to have ended only for them to have sex again would be another total disrespect. Then to make only a half hearted attempt at finding another job, citing the good salary as a reason to stay would be another betrayal.

I am astounded that your husband can stay but he may well be thinking of the children or not wanting all the upheaval and cost of a divorce, who knows. It's hard to know how he will ever trust again and he may not be able to.


----------



## SnowToArmPits

Hi OP. Good for you for asking for help to right your marriage. You need thick skin to post as a Wayward Wife on this forum, you seem to have that, and haven't lashed out when the criticism came fast and furious. Good for you for that.

You're very lucky your husband wants to reconcile. Lucky as well your kids are a little older, not toddlers, so if you divorce it will likely be easier on you and them. Fortunate too that you have a job/income in case you divorce.

Answer all your husband's questions, be patient when he's asked the same question for the 20th time a year from now. You're probably looking at a project here of several years to try to reconcile.

You really need to dig into what caused you to be so selfish and cruel to your husband and your kids. If you've been married 14 years, you're not a kid. Hopefully this isn't who you are now: someone who gets bored easily with her sex life, her marriage, someone who's willing to risk her marriage and kid's future for sex outside the marriage. Someone who is so disrespectful to her husband she brought her affair partner into her home to have sex. <--- Taming this 'tiger' through therapy is I think your best bet. It's a tall order, lady you were about as mean as a wife can be to her husband.

For God's sake take up a hobby next time, or exercise yourself to exhaustion, anything but f'ing another man. Your marriage is hanging by a thread here, don't mess it up again. Talk to your closest sister or best friend if you start getting these feelings again to cheat. Good luck to you OP.


----------



## MattMatt

*Moderator general warning:*-

You will stop attacking and harassing the original poster.

And you will stop bringing the character of her husband into disrepute. Meaning no more "your husband must be a real wimp! He's a beta!" etc, etc.

Because if these attacks happen again, you will be banned.


----------



## manfromlamancha

frenchpaddy said:


> What about what the husband wants , she has said this man gave her attention , she was tempted and she admits she did wrong , she slipped and stepped onto a path that brought her into something that was far from what she normally would do.
> 
> They have I think 2 children so far are not affected by her affair
> some here made a big deal of she ended the affair, BUT how do people come to end any relationship ,
> I have never ended a relationship in my life , so I don't know , it was not as if she was seeing the lover every day
> her husbands wants to stay and keep the family together
> does his love for her his wiliness to rebuild a life together
> 
> Every couple has the right to make their own rules,
> Modern relationships are experiencing a revolution
> It is really the first time in recent history that couples allow themselves the freedom to put the culturally prescribed norms aside and define their own ways of being together. We are no longer assuming what the rules are; we are negotiating them together. For many couples,
> 
> THE day is long gone that you expect to have sex with a virgin on your honeymoon,
> we no longer put a woman through a test to prove she was a virgin like Lady DI before her wedding
> 
> this couple will have to find the way to rebuild trust in each other
> some here think she should find him a escort ,
> I at one time in my marriage was offered this by my wife not because she had cheated but because she had been raped before I met her which had a very bad effect on our sex life,
> there was a time that when making love we would get to a point and then she would kick out with the power of a horse
> then say sorry and in a effort to make it better offed to get a escort , the thought of it was sicking ,
> 
> It is the level of trust that we place in each other that gives meaning to the rules we define together, as we rely on each other to respect them. When trust is compromised or broken, most couples doubt their ability to move on. MOST split up, Yet, there are many who decide to give a relationship another chance. On their path towards recovering broken trust, many couples find ways to reconnect on a more profound level.
> 
> So, what breaks it is what makes it, and what makes it is a range of expectations and behaviors that differs from couple to couple. When we talk and read about broken trust, we usually refer to infidelity,
> It’s important to notice that there are different layers of trust, and some things are more at the core of it than others. Simply put, some rules are more important than others. For some couples, The strongest couples are the ones that can talk about their feelings openly
> 
> 
> The emotional response depends on the damage a transgression has caused to your relationship.
> It differs in its intensity, and it includes a cocktail of emotions: anger, frustration, guilt, remorse, sadness, betrayal,
> One of the most important reasons for which broken trust causes so much pain is the vulnerability that’s behind it. We never have a 100% guarantee that a person will be true to us, but we nevertheless choose to believe and act as we do. It is a leap into the unknown at the risk of getting hurt. Broken trust can shatter our ideas of love, mutual care, commitment, sense of emotional safety
> This is why some describe the act that broke trust as the relationship’s death sentence. The experience of betrayal through a transgression
> 
> It is important for each partner to reflect on what they are feeling and allow each other to process the wide-ranging emotions they might be feeling.Time heals all , but as one, at least one poster said he will never forget, but don't ask him to forget
> 
> There’s a person who broke the trust – the villain, and the victim, a person who suffers the consequences of the transgression. But we are not going to stone her. Let the one without sin through the first stone.
> the villain then shows remorse and does whatever is possible to regain the trust and earn the forgiveness of the victim. On the other side, it’s the victim who defines the path of rebuilding trust because the forgiveness is in their hands only. It’s the victim who is allowed to have and express strong emotions when the villain is denied the opportunity to do so. The villain has no rights; the victim has all of them.
> This dynamic is not useful in recovering trust. These roles are not focused on recovery but on the interplay of guilt and power. While a person in the victim role can say, “How can I trust them to never lie to me again?” the supposed villain can ask, “How can I trust them not to punish me for this for the rest of my life?” The point is, if a couple decides to work towards recovery, there’s no privileged role. Both partners need to sit shoulder to shoulder, looking at the aftermath of transgression, discussing ways they can move forward.
> The road starts with each partner taking the time to reflect on how this experience affected them. Before they join the efforts to discuss ways to move forward, both partners should consider their own needs and expectations.
> 
> Another question, a couple needs to answer together is: “Where do we begin?” Talking things through and rebuilding the small rituals a couple used to share can be a start. Depending on what partners need from each other, it’s useful to agree on certain priorities. Not everything can be fixed at once, but one step at a time can make a big difference. In rebuilding trust, a couple needs to relearn how to walk before they can run again.
> This is a topic to be addressed with each other and/or in counseling, if available to a couple. One of the most difficult aspects of being patient with a partner is not knowing whether the distance and the passing of time are bringing you closer or pulling you further apart.
> 
> Healing the damage in the aftermath of infidelity and dishonesty is a challenging process.
> Yet, it’s the one that can teach us about ourselves and our needs from the partner and the relationship. This increased awareness allows us to make better choices, whether we choose to stay together or start new with someone else.


This was not a question of her slipping up because her needs were not being met. This went beyond the normal stories that we read about. This was a wilful act to sleep with someone she lusted for (regardless of her past experience or lack of) and the ongoing cruelty and emasculation that she unleashed on her husband - informing the POSOM that her husband's penis was smaller, allowing him to indulge his need to belittle the husband by letting him screw her in their home AND marital bed, the sleeping with him after she had come clean with her husband (well when she was asked about it), the admitted ongoing attraction to the POS, the telling POS that she loved him etc. And then casually passing it off by simply saying "it was my fault" and "I am not lying to my husband - I have told him everything that he asks about" and making it seem that she is now somehow a good person. 

Again this is not a case of modern dynamics in relationships - it is simply bad! Bad behaviour! Bad morals (and I am not talking about the cheating)! Bad empathy with her destroyed husband! And the continued lying as in "I love my husband", "I realise that the POS was bad" etc.

What you should be concerned about here is that the BH is so shell shocked he is not exhibiting normal behaviour. And if the counselling or therapy is working, he will soon snap out of this and get the hell out of there. We need to help him even if it is the OP who came here to get advice. To the OP I would say stop lying and take active steps to give her BH an amicable divorce. But she seems to have disappeared.


----------



## MattMatt

After the raving attacks on her, I am not surprised. Still, another wayward chased off, so all is good?


----------



## Butforthegrace

snowbum said:


> She’s never said she loves her husband. Replied 51 times but never mentioned her loving him.


OP, if you're still here, I'm interested to hear what you might say in response to this. It's an insightful observation.

At the risk of being presumptuous, was your marriage an arranged marriage?


----------



## frenchpaddy

Butforthegrace said:


> OP, if you're still here, I'm interested to hear what you might say in response to this. It's an insightful observation.
> 
> At the risk of being presumptuous, was your marriage an arranged marriage?


 any one that so willing to do so much when the affair came to light , and in the running of things in the affair world most often the person unless they are found in bed with someone they don't admit to it , so in how she has tried to make amends and in how she even carried out the affair shows she is not an expert in the game , because to many that are cheaters it is a Game to them 

I would not expect the OP to respond to the last posts , she lives in the USA and keeps down a job , all so now has been cough having an affair and is trying to be on her best so giving many hours on the net responding to people that asked her every details about the sex but never asked her the simple stuff .
Just shows the ones demanding are leaning to the perverted side.

NOT TO TALK ABOUT THE ONE THAT THOUGHT SHE WAS TO bad to be American, 
as to paint the rest of us on here that don't live in the USA as lesser moral people.

I would not be suprised if she comes back later tonight ?
But if she does she will be more careful about how much she shares ,
A some posters played the sneaky game of posing questions in a leading way for an inexperienced 
person to end up giving out information that had nothing to do with why she was here , 
and just feeding the perverts that sit on their Self-righteousness and claim to have the perfect marriage so much so as one even stepped up to stone the scarlet lady , 

Thank God he was not in the public the day JESUS defended the woman caught in adultery .


----------



## Rus47

frenchpaddy said:


> Another question, a couple needs to answer together is: *“Where do we begin?”* Talking things through and rebuilding the small rituals a couple used to share can be a start.


Isn't the original marriage actually dead and gone after infidelity? Isn't a couple better served beginning from scratch with talking, dating, each deciding over the course of months if they even want to be married to one another anymore?

So the bolded question seems a pretty good place to start. And answering that question likely takes some major effort and time. In @Kristy37 case, they haven't yet arrived at this beginning because they are still processing the end of the original marriage. The AP is still in her head and heart ( and in BH head ), so that has to be flushed out first. I have always read that a relationship takes as long to end as it's duration. So they are a minimum of 4 months after she stops seeing AP ( at work or anyplace ) and goes 100% NC before they can BEGIN attempting to close out the old marriage and building a new marriage.

And, until she is working elsewhere and has gone 100% NC they can't even begin to begin. Every time she goes off to work or on a business trip, her husband will logically conclude she is meeting up with her AP.

Of course, either or both of them may decide over the months and years ahead that they don't want to continue trying to build a new marriage. And that is good too. Best not to paper over what has actually happened "for the kids' sake" or otherwise, make a clean break and carry on with a new life.

It sure seems that just starting from scratch with different people would be easier and with a higher likelihood of a happy future.


----------



## ABHale

MattMatt said:


> After the raving attacks on her, I am not surprised. Still, another wayward chased off, so all is good?


MattMatt, this one was different. There was no remorse for what she did. She also didn’t know, if the AP came to her again, if she wouldn’t have started it back up.

Like others pointed out, she never said she loved her husband.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Rus47 said:


> Isn't the original marriage actually dead and gone after infidelity? Isn't a couple better served beginning from scratch with talking, dating, each deciding over the course of months if they even want to be married to one another anymore?
> 
> So the bolded question seems a pretty good place to start. And answering that question likely takes some major effort and time. In @Kristy37 case, they haven't yet arrived at this beginning because they are still processing the end of the original marriage. The AP is still in her head and heart ( and in BH head ), so that has to be flushed out first. I have always read that a relationship takes as long to end as it's duration. So they are a minimum of 4 months after she stops seeing AP ( at work or anyplace ) and goes 100% NC before they can BEGIN attempting to close out the old marriage and building a new marriage.
> 
> And, until she is working elsewhere and has gone 100% NC they can't even begin to begin. Every time she goes off to work or on a business trip, her husband will logically conclude she is meeting up with her AP.
> 
> Of course, either or both of them may decide over the months and years ahead that they don't want to continue trying to build a new marriage. And that is good too. Best not to paper over what has actually happened "for the kids' sake" or otherwise, make a clean break and carry on with a new life.
> 
> It sure seems that just starting from scratch with different people would be easier and with a higher likelihood of a happy future.


 I hope Your right in that it takes as long to brake a relationship as it did to make it might be one of the reasons why her husband is willing to work at forgiveness .
Her story is like the song "Torn Between Two Lovers"
yes I would be suprised if for the rest of her life she will from time to time think of the good things about the affair , 
and the husband will all so have to deal with them , 

TRUE every time she is late getting home he will think could be gone again but hopefully as you said the years that have gone into their relationship will be stronger and hold it together , 

Their relationship would not be the first to have survive an affair and in perfect worlds we would wish it never had happened , 

But we are not here to cast the baby out with the bath water 

SADLY there is now not only one relationship but 2 one based on one type of love and has children and years spent on it but there is the second that has been put on hold and hopefully stays that way as it seems to be built on lust


----------



## uwe.blab

ABHale said:


> MattMatt, this one was different. There was no remorse for what she did. She also didn’t know, if the AP came to her again, if she wouldn’t have started it back up.
> 
> Like others pointed out, she never said she loved her husband.


At least she didn't fake those sentiments. Many of us would have.


----------



## MattMatt

ABHale said:


> MattMatt, this one was different. There was no remorse for what she did. She also didn’t know, if the AP came to her again, if she wouldn’t have started it back up.
> 
> Like others pointed out, she never said she loved her husband.


Not different. Not at all. and she did say she loved her husband. 

And her posts are filled with remorse. 

Like several other posters on this thread you are reading what you want to read, not what is actually in the thread.

Bullying is not pretty and it's against the TAM posting rules.


----------



## MattMatt

@frenchpaddy the song "Torn Between Two Lovers" still triggers me (a bit) after all these years.

My first long term relationship girlfriend told me, tearfully, that she was dating me and someone else at the same time.

I went home, confused and hurting and I turned the radio on. It was tuned in to BBC Radio Two and Torn Between Two Lovers was playing. I'd never heard the song before. It gave me some comfort. 

_Which brings me on to a more general point to people who find themselves triggered._

If a thread triggers you, badly, back away from it. Don't indulge in rage posting. The wayward spouse who is posting is not your ex, so don't use the zingers on them you would have used on your own wayward spouse had you thought of them at the time.


----------



## frenchpaddy

MattMatt said:


> @frenchpaddy the song "Torn Between Two Lovers" still triggers me (a bit) after all these years.
> 
> My first long term relationship girlfriend told me, tearfully, that she was dating me and someone else at the same time.
> 
> I went home, confused and hurting and I turned the radio on. It was tuned in to BBC Radio Two and Torn Between Two Lovers was playing. I'd never heard the song before. It gave me some comfort.
> 
> _Which brings me on to a more general point to people who find themselves triggered._
> 
> If a thread triggers you, badly, back away from it. Don't indulge in rage posting. The wayward spouse who is posting is not your ex, so don't use the zingers on them you would have used on your own wayward spouse had you thought of them at the time.






We are of the same vintage 
The point many have missed on this topic and a mistake often happens to respond to a topic often we put ourself in the shoes of the poster or their partner but we don't know the in this case Husband 
We don't know what his threshold is on what he is happy to except , for all we know 
the husband could hold secret hopes of having a hot wife or been a cuckold or that something makes him value his relationship more than we might if the tables were turned


----------



## drencrom

Kristy37 said:


> New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.
> 
> 37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.
> 
> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


Then you get a transfer to another department.

And in any case you bust your ass looking for another job while keeping the one you need. You send out resumes to no less than 3 companies a week until you get something. If you have to take a hit, do it. If you aren't willing to do that, then you have no respect for your husband, as if you had any to begin with by betraying him.


----------



## drencrom

Captain Obvious said:


> You didn't have one last romp with OM after you told her husband?





Kristy37 said:


> I did yes honestly.


 Really? Then it's safe to say you weren't really remorseful and wanted to get in a couple bangs before giving OM up completely.

After reading this, I hope your husband decides it's not worth it any longer. Your statement above tells me you only want the marriage for convenience since it's obvious you want your little fun on the side.


----------



## snerg

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @Kristy37
> 
> He then GROOMED you in order to turn you into his ESCORT. To him, you will be the perfect notch on his belt. He made his move when you were ready.


Why is this a thought.
This statement takes ownership away from the cheater and puts the blame on the person they cheat with.
She's not a 5 year old. She's not mentally deficient.
He said everything she wanted to hear to justify to herself that she could cheat.



LeGenDary_Man said:


> @Kristy37
> You mentioned that he was VERY AGGRESSIVE while having you. This is the hallmark of being a "sexual predator." They pounce on their PREY like a peace of meat. You became his PREY and he treated you like a peace of meat (Cat vs. Pigeon situation and dynamic).


Excuses and justification - this is noise. She's angry that he had porn sex with her and she's no longer getting it so now she makes an excuse and a justification as to why the sex wasn't good.
Again, saying she was his prey is taking away her ownership of her part in the affair.


----------



## drencrom

..


----------



## jsmart

Rus47 said:


> In @Kristy37 case, they haven't yet arrived at this beginning because they are still processing the end of the original marriage. The AP is still in her head and heart ( and in BH head ), so that has to be flushed out first. I have always read that a relationship takes as long to end as it's duration. So they are a minimum of 4 months after she stops seeing AP ( at work or anyplace ) and goes 100% NC before they can BEGIN attempting to close out the old marriage and building a new


To get OM out of her head & heart will take at least as long as the affair. I think with how he had her completely under his spell, it will take longer. She humiliated her husband for the OM. There’s more to how she humiliated her husband than was shared here. How does a woman that was so completely on team OM, turn it around so quickly?

I see she’s trying to muscle through this because she is seeing how her husband is fighting for her despite how cruel she was to him. But having been on TAM and other sites for years, I know that Rs don’t usually work like that. Despite a wayward seeing the hurt in their spouses eyes, they still feel the pull of the OM/OW. 

After 2 months of R and going through hysterical bonding, she still admits that she’s attracted to her OM, still has fond memories of the sex she had, which included humiliating her husband, and worse of all, still works with OM. Notice how she’s keenly aware of OM’s current love life. I could feel her jealousy jump off the page, when she described the OM already has another woman he’s involved with. So I m sure she will need more than the time of the affair to get over OM.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

drencrom said:


> Really? Then it's safe to say you weren't really remorseful and wanted to get in a couple bangs before giving OM up completely.
> 
> After reading this, I hope your husband decides it's not worth it any longer. Your statement above tells me you only want the marriage for convenience since it's obvious you want your little fun on the side.


I was all on board with helping OP until she confessed that she had to go back for at least one more romp after telling her husband. Could have been more since it took her a week to break it off with him. I don't sense any remorse for what she did. Maybe remorse for not being able to keep sleeping with her lover that she says was bigger, better and more adventurous than her husband.


----------



## jjj858

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @Kristy37
> NEVER fall for sexual predators AGAIN. You need to seek therapy in this respect.
> 
> Become role-model wife to your husband. Strive to be a wife that he never had before.


I don’t subscribe to the “he was a sexual predator who took advantage” thing in this instance. It’s take two to tango and she was a more than willing participant.


----------



## drencrom

MattMatt said:


> After the raving attacks on her, I am not surprised. Still, another wayward chased off, so all is good?


With all due respect, if a wayward comes in here and confesses an affair and seems truly remorseful, there is plenty of help and advice that can be given.

But when one comes in and says they continued to have one last week of flings, after coming clean about the affair, because of her cravings for the OM and, of all things, had so little respect for her husband she did the guy in the marital bed and let the OM know he is much bigger than her husband, then it's obvious this is a marriage of convenience for her and she still craves this other man.

She can say she loves him all she wants. Her actions tell us otherwise. However, she never really said she loves him, only that they told the kids they love each other.
Not once did she come out with remorse and said she loves her husband....just what they told the kids.

If I was her husband, I wouldn't believe her if she says she loved me after:

1) continuing the affair to get a couple good ones in before giving up the OM
2) having such disrespect sleeping with him in the marital bed
3) telling the OM his penis is bigger
4) and simply cheating in general

All of her actions reek of disrespect for her husband and point to only wanting the marriage to work out of convenience and simply wants to avoid the mess of a divorce.


----------



## drencrom

Butforthegrace said:


> Betrayed men often tend to be very focused on the sexual aspects/details. Most of the men here (including me) are betrayed men. As you can see, some men here still have a high degree of trauma, sexual humiliation, and emasculation. Those facets of your affair are sort of the holy trinity, the "worst of the worst" a cheating wife can do in terms of inflicting this type of trauma on a betrayed husband.


The worst part of it all is a life of never being truly at peace. Even years later the "mind movies" will haunt the husband. She has given him a lifetime of something to think about that isn't good.

The only question is can he come to a point where the mind movies don't cause him as much pain in the future? Possibly.

For me the only way for the mind movies to not hurt was to get rid of the source of the pain, the wife.


----------



## drencrom

BigDaddyNY said:


> I was all on board with helping OP until she confessed that she had to go back for at least one more romp after telling her husband.


As was I until I read a little further into the thread.


----------



## Diana7

jjj858 said:


> I don’t subscribe to the “he was a sexual predator who took advantage” thing in this instance. It’s take two to tango and she was a more than willing participant.


Yes I have read that sort of statement before. Both are equally responsible.


----------



## frenchpaddy

With her guilt and shame addressed she is trying to do right but you lot provides an excellent example for us to follow when we find ourselves reacting judgmentally or with an attitude of self-righteousness toward someone else’s sin.


----------



## drencrom

frenchpaddy said:


> With her guilt and shame addressed she is trying to do right but you lot provides an excellent example for us to follow when we find ourselves reacting judgmentally or with an attitude of self-righteousness toward someone else’s sin.


Please, she wants to appear to "do right", but first had to get a couple of sessions in with the OM before letting go of him. 

And if you want to ignore the fact she was talking to the OM about having a bigger penis than her husband and doing it in the marital bed...well, there is cheating, then there is IDGAF cheating.

If she had come clean about the affair and ceased contact with the OM and said she loved him, I suspect her responses would be different.

No, she came clean, decided to get a few more good ones in, disparaged her husband to the OM, and admitted she enjoyed the monkey sex. This is not your run of the mill cheating and reconciliation case here.


----------



## masterofmasters

All I know is her husband is a SAINT for even thinking about reconciliation. The amount of damage this woman has done...Jesus Christ!

After hearing his wife tell him that she humiliated him to a tee, I bet he feels he's so small that nobody else would want him.

She enjoyed the sex greatly, meaning she enjoyed humiliating her husband. She loved every second of it.


----------



## Sufi22

Krysty, if you're still reading. This may not be the best venue for you to continue. You may want to look at some of the other marriage venues that are more open to supporting the kind of self-examination you desperately need. In particular the Wayward section of surviving infidelity.com has a function where you can limit the discussion to other wayward. They give a lot of honest and frequently harsh criticism but it comes from a perspective of people who have walked in your shoes and made the kind of bad decisions and rationalizations you have. It's not as active as used to be but there are still some excellent voices posting.


----------



## Works

BigDaddyNY said:


> I was all on board with helping OP until she confessed that she had to go back for at least one more romp after telling her husband. Could have been more since it took her a week to break it off with him. I don't sense any remorse for what she did. Maybe remorse for not being able to keep sleeping with her lover that she says was bigger, better and more adventurous than her husband.


Same here... I felt for her until that part sadly. 😪


----------



## lre1045

I have been haunted by your post(s) for several different reasons. There is a level of detachment that may be an indication of your writing style or a reflection of you personality (and level of concern).
As a man, I will admit that your statements concerning your AP's "equipment" and prowess would be totally emasculating. Added to that, the level of disrespect indicated by having sex in your husband's home and having a "last encounter" after disclosure is quite concerning.
I would urge you to carefully examine your true motives in all of this. Was it really just about sex or do you harbor some deep underlying resentments against your husband?
I do not think that the full depth and breadth of your betrayal has hit your husband. I predict "troubled waters" ahead.
There is a story of another couple posted on another forum that you might find useful. The poster's screen name was "Walloped". I believe he and his wife post on the forum from time to time.


----------



## Rus47

@Kristy37 maybe the Reconciliation forum on TAM would better address what you are seeking than the Infidelity forum?


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I scratch my head why someone in the husband's shoes would want to try and salvage this. Are his reasons financial? Is it possible to trust her again after this?


----------



## Rus47

Tested_by_stress said:


> I scratch my head why someone in the husband's shoes would want to try and salvage this. Are his reasons financial? Is it possible to trust her again after this?


Put yourself in his shoes. Married for at least 13 years to the only woman you have ever been intimate with and you were her one and only until a few months ago. Two preteen kids, a mortgage, living life. Then a grenade gets thrown into your living room. And the more you talk with your “wife”, the worse it gets. He is in shock. I believe she mentioned he is doing the hb thing.

The trajectory for both of them sounds pretty plain vanilla based on the stories on this site. Those of us who have never walked that road paved with broken glass barefooted always think we would do it differently. Likely we would do exactly the same.

Time will unreel the final story after years have passed, no matter how that story ends. It has only been months since his one and only climbed over the fence.


----------



## ABHale

MattMatt said:


> Not different. Not at all. and she did say she loved her husband.
> 
> And her posts are filled with remorse.
> 
> Like several other posters on this thread you are reading what you want to read, not what is actually in the thread.
> 
> Bullying is not pretty and it's against the TAM posting rules.


I just didn’t see it bud. Wasn’t trying to bully her, sorry if it came across that way. I looked for her saying she loved her husband, I must have missed it.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Tested_by_stress said:


> I scratch my head why someone in the husband's shoes would want to try and salvage this. Are his reasons financial? Is it possible to trust her again after this?


A combination of shell shock, codependency and fear of the future.

This marriage has been dead for years, unfortunately no one gave him the memo.


----------



## jsmart

TAM can be a good place to get real feedback and advise. The wayward has to be open to criticism. Everyone here told her what her husband is thinking. He may have told her his feelings but how truthful is he being when he’s obviously fearful of losing her. She crushed his world and he’s probably desperately trying to keep the family together. 

To learn that his once virgin wife not only debased herself by performing sex acts that she never did with him but that she also made a point of humiliating him. Going along with OM ridiculing his size, having sex in the marital bed, and even continuing to have sex (plural) with OM for a week after seeing her husband tearfully want to work on the marriage. There’s more but that is for her to share.

All that to say if she weren’t such an extreme WW, she would not have gotten so many 2x4s because many were seeing that she really seems to want to turn it around.

But if you want to improve fast, this is a great place. I think that the heavy handed rules at SI can hamper progress. The wayward section has very little traffic. sometimes a good thread gets started but then stalls out due to lack of interaction. Then you have LS, that is a haven for WWs to commiserate about how hurt they are that OM isn’t willing to blow up his family for them. Not to mention the very heavy handed moderators, that coddle waywards. Definitely not a place to change for the better.


----------



## Rus47

jsmart said:


> o learn that his once virgin wife not only debased herself by performing sex acts that she never did with him but that she also made a point of humiliating him. Going along with OM ridiculing his size, having sex in the marital bed, and even continuing to have sex (plural) with OM for a week after seeing her husband tearfully want to work on the marriage.


It would never happen, but what might help @Kristy37 BH more than anything would be to participate on TAM. He would certainly get plenty of affirmation here, the only downside is a large fraction of posters would be telling him to D, and giving him a hard time if he didn't file tomorrow. 

At the very least, reading the threads on here from the betrayed would show him that what she did and how she did it and why she did it is all just as common and mundane as the day is long. She is nothing unusual or special in any way. The whole business about his endowment relative to the OM is really ho-hum. There are threads on here where the WW got with an OM for months, doing him as often as possible and the OM was inferior by far to her husband in size ( and every other attribute ). What OM had going for him is he wasn't her husband. Full stop. 

Her husband would see that none of this had anything to do with him, what he has or what he has done. He rolled the dice in marrying his "one and only" and came up snake eyes.

Their situation is about the same as one of two or three marriages. If it hadn't happened now it would have later. She only ever had one man in her life, so she was ripe to want to know what it was like to ride another. There are threads on here where the wife ( or husband ) begins longing for strange when they are around 50. Wondering what they missed. Not realizing what they missed was a train running over them and their family. Now she knows what another man rides like, she liked it, so the risks are even higher going forward. It could just as easily been her husband who went over the fence "looking for love in all the wrong places".


----------



## BetrayedDad

Is she an "extreme" wayward? Her story sounds pretty typical to me. My ex acted pretty much the same way.

Did she go out of her way to have an affair? She was presented an opportunity and let her crotch control her brain.

Did she set out to humiliate and emasculate her husband? I don't think she give him a single thought.

The opposite of love friends is indifference not hate. Remember that folks....


It also surprises me how many people are shocked by "the week" of sex after discovery.

How many drug addicts can go cold turkey immediately? She was addicted to the AP, believe that. I'm impressed it only took a week.

I do question the "it was just sex" mentality she seems to have.... I think she was WAY more into AP emotionally then she wants to admit.

She never says she loves her hubby in this thread cause she was too busy being infatuated (which she equates to love due to immaturity) with AP.


----------



## jjj858

I’m astonished that she was able to pull off a week of consistent sex with this guy -after- confessing. If that was my wife who had confessed to me and I somehow miraculously hadn’t thrown her out of the house she would be under 24/7 surveillance, gps tracking, voice recorder, strict schedule, etc. I’d be sitting at her work waiting for her to leave. I’d be there at lunchtime to see if she leaves. Not to mention I probably would have beat this guys ass by now too. I don’t understand how this guy can just passively sit by and let someone abuse him like this. That’s why I’m wondering if this is just a fantastical thread designed to get everyone whooped up. There was another woman who posted a very similar thread about six or seven months ago that was nearly identical and included the supposed well endowed lover belittling the husband also.


----------



## masterofmasters

BetrayedDad said:


> Did she set out to humiliate and emasculate her husband? I don't think she give him a single thought.
> 
> I do question the "it was just sex" mentality she seems to have.... I think she was WAY more into AP emotionally then is admits.


this is the problem she has. building her husband's masculinity back up will take years. i'm not sure she has it in her. think about it...if she truly left, she can't even handle the warranted harsh criticism this site has given her. so what makes anyone think she has what it takes to help her husband build himself up?

she was indeed emotionally attached to the AP as well. if she wasn't, she would have been appalled by her AP badmouthing her husband. she loved every second of it though.


----------



## Rus47

Kristy37 said:


> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it


There have been 17 pages, mostly others throwing brickbats. What are your thoughts?


----------



## ConanHub

@Kristy37 , what is your business relationship entail with your affair partner now?

Do you still have to go on business trips or outings with him?

Do you report to him?

He sounds like a predator and he honestly might need consequences or he will continue to sexually harass women he works with.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Kristy37 said:


> New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.
> 
> 37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.
> 
> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


If you're in the US, this is literally the best time I've ever seen in my long life time to get a job.


----------



## jjj858

I don’t get the calling him a predator thing like she’s totally absolved of any responsibility here. She slept with him repeatedly on her own volition and willfully deceived her husband in the process. That’s something that takes a concerted effort to do. Women aren’t some frail brainless things lacking any autonomy who are at risk of falling into bed with any man who looks at them or talks to them. People do things because they want to.


----------



## jsmart

masterofmasters said:


> this is the problem she has. building her husband's masculinity back up will take years. i'm not sure she has it in her. think about it...if she truly left, she can't even handle the warranted harsh criticism this site has given her. so what makes anyone think she has what it takes to help her husband build himself up?
> 
> she was indeed emotionally attached to the AP as well. if she wasn't, she would have been appalled by her AP badmouthing her husband. she loved every second of it though.


She really needs help to help her to dig into why she so enthusiastically humiliated her husband for other man’s pleasure. But that has to take a back seat to her building up her husband. She truly crushed him. She confessed all to him, so he has to be spiraling, feeling totally emasculated. Why a wife would want to do that to the father of her 2 sons is beyond me. 

Does she have it in her to do the heavy lifting for the long haul? She seems to have been saying the right things but I get a sense that she’s trying to muscle through it out of guilt for what she did not love for her husband.

Could she get to remorse in time? Maybe but I too suspect that she was into the OM more than she realizes. After an additional week of having sex with him, he finally backed off. Had he not, would she really have turned him down with him putting on the charm? I think everyone here knows the answer to that.

My concern is that with her still seeing the OM at work, the temptation is there. It must take a lot of will power on her part not put herself in range of OM, so he can come on to her. I detected a hint of jeolousy when she described that OM moved on to another woman. If he pursues her again, I think she’s is VERY vulnerable to fall back into the affair.

Why? Well besides how she still describes OM in glowing terms vs how little she speaks about any love for husband, I still come back to how she put the needs of her affair partner ahead of her husband. Not only because she performed sex acts with OM that she never did with her husband but how she did NOT compartmentalized her affair.

The humiliation of her husband was part and parcel of how she submitted to her OM. Her going along with OM talking about her husband size during them having sex and her actually egging OM on and agreeing to having sex in their marital bed knowing it was so OM can humiliate her husband. 
The OM was a divorced guy so he had privacy at his place anytime. He made a point of wanting to desecrate their home and she enthusiastically went along with it. That tells me that she was REALLY into OM and that she cared very little for her husband. 

If he were here we’d all tell him to dump her but he’s desperately hanging on to save his family. I just hope she fights for her Husband with the same vigor that he’s fighting for her.


----------



## ConanHub

jjj858 said:


> I don’t get the calling him a predator thing like she’s totally absolved of any responsibility here. She slept with him repeatedly on her own volition and willfully deceived her husband in the process. That’s something that takes a concerted effort to do. Women aren’t some frail brainless things lacking any autonomy who are at risk of falling into bed with any man who looks at them or talks to them. People do things because they want to.


I'm not taking any blame away from her perfectly abhorrent actions.

She's a self admitted terrible person and I don't disagree with her.

The AP is targeting women he works with, married or not, for sexual conquest and definitely deserves his own consequences.

In all actuality, the AP is a very small man (,not commenting on his height) and is in need of crushing like the cockroach he is.


----------



## frenchpaddy

jsmart said:


> She really needs help to help her to dig into why she so enthusiastically humiliated her husband for other man’s pleasure. But that has to take a back seat to her building up her husband. She truly crushed him. She confessed all to him, so he has to be spiraling, feeling totally emasculated. Why a wife would want to do that to the father of her 2 sons is beyond me.
> 
> Does she have it in her to do the heavy lifting for the long haul? She seems to have been saying the right things but I get a sense that she’s trying to muscle through it out of guilt for what she did not love for her husband.
> 
> Could she get to remorse in time? Maybe but I too suspect that she was into the OM more than she realizes. After an additional week of having sex with him, he finally backed off. Had he not, would she really have turned him down with him putting on the charm? I think everyone here knows the answer to that.
> 
> My concern is that with her still seeing the OM at work, the temptation is there. It must take a lot of will power on her part not put herself in range of OM, so he can come on to her. I detected a hint of jeolousy when she described that OM moved on to another woman. If he pursues her again, I think she’s is VERY vulnerable to fall back into the affair.
> 
> Why? Well besides how she still describes OM in glowing terms vs how little she speaks about any love for husband, I still come back to how she put the needs of her affair partner ahead of her husband. Not only because she performed sex acts with OM that she never did with her husband but how she did NOT compartmentalized her affair.
> 
> The humiliation of her husband was part and parcel of how she submitted to her OM. Her going along with OM talking about her husband size during them having sex and her actually egging OM on and agreeing to having sex in their marital bed knowing it was so OM can humiliate her husband.
> The OM was a divorced guy so he had privacy at his place anytime. He made a point of wanting to desecrate their home and she enthusiastically went along with it. That tells me that she was REALLY into OM and that she cared very little for her husband.
> 
> If he were here we’d all tell him to dump her but he’s desperately hanging on to save his family. I just hope she fights for her Husband with the same vigor that he’s fighting for her.


Some good points , if I try to put myself in the place of the husband ,and the fact he for now wants to save his relationship ,
what ever reason we don't know ,

I find it very hard to ask on here for help ,apart from all the posters that would tell me I am mad and worse ,
but what help could we bring to the husband in regard to rebuilding their relationship after an affair ?


----------



## sideways

Kristy37 said:


> Not proud of it but yes.


Man that is MESSED UP!!!

I don't think you really understand what you've done to your husband.


----------



## manfromlamancha

drencrom said:


> Please, she wants to appear to "do right", but first had to get a couple of sessions in with the OM before letting go of him.
> 
> And if you want to ignore the fact she was talking to the OM about having a bigger penis than her husband and doing it in the marital bed...well, there is cheating, then there is IDGAF cheating.
> 
> If she had come clean about the affair and ceased contact with the OM and said she loved him, I suspect her responses would be different.
> 
> No, she came clean, decided to get a few more good ones in, disparaged her husband to the OM, and admitted she enjoyed the monkey sex. This is not your run of the mill cheating and reconciliation case here.


All true plus add to this that she STILL lusts after the POSOM, she thinks sex with him was and is better, that he looks better than her husband and has a bigger ****. Great way to get back into a marriage.


----------



## Bluesclues

@Kristy37 I will admit your post triggered me for a few. My husband had a workplace affair with a woman named Kristy and she was 37 at the time. You are obviously not her, but boy I didn’t expect to feel a gut punch like that after almost 9 years. It really is a lifetime sentence even when you think you have healed.

I don’t believe that you going back for more with the AP after the initial confession means that you are not remorseful now (or at least heading there.) Remorse is not instant. It does not happen in a day or a week. Anyone that acts remorseful in that timeframe is doing just that, acting. The affair “fog” is very real and isn’t broken by discovery. Most affairs happen because someone feels “bad” about something (themselves, their spouse, their job, etc…) and their coping skills are too immature to identify the issue and tackle it head on. The affair feels “good” and is an easy hit. Why would anyone expect a WS to suddenly have the maturity and coping skills to handle the fallout of the discovery of something awful they have caused? Those “bad” feelings they had before the affair have now been pumped up to “horrific” upon discovery. Of course they are going to seek out another easy hit of “good” feelings. Reading this thread made me realize that my husband probably did the same. I feel stupid for not realizing it earlier.

This is why IC is so important and MC is a waste in the aftermath of an affair. The marriage fixing can only come after you have figured yourself out, if that is even possible. MC does so much damage at this point. I understand why everyone keeps posting about how your husband has been impacted by this to illustrate the gravity of the situation, as a 2x BS I understand. But your focus needs to be on developing those self-soothing skills through IC. Counterintuitive to focus on yourself when your spouse is in so much pain from you being selfish. But that is what addiction recovery is like, and you behaved like an addict.


----------



## frenchpaddy

manfromlamancha said:


> All true plus add to this that she STILL lusts after the POSOM, she thinks sex with him was and is better, that he looks better than her husband and has a bigger ****. Great way to get back into a marriage.


 She has been painfully honest both to us and to her husband , 
As when he suspected she had been having an affair she told all 
When he asked much the same questions as posters did she did not lie .
It SEEMS she while she was having the affair one side of her was eaten up with guilt , 

sadly peoples reaction to beat her for her actions we have lost the chance to know what makes a woman 
do these things 

what is the power the new lover brings to her 
What does it feel like to be wound up in a 3 way love triangle,
Loving her husband , we are told by the experts that love only lasts 3 months and then it becomes 
more companionship , 
did she love the AP or was it just the sex ,

what is it that makes a other wise shy woman that had only one lover all their life change and take risks and become so sexually willing to try so many different things , 
Almost like taking a jump out of a plain without any experience of doing it before


----------



## Sfort

frenchpaddy said:


> sadly peoples reaction to beat her for her actions we have lost the chance to know what makes a woman
> do these things


I'm willing to bet if people will be respectful she will come back and answer all questions. I hope it happens.


----------



## Rus47

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you're in the US, this is literally the best time I've ever seen in my long life time to get a job.


For awhile longer. Unfortunately a recession is on its way.


----------



## Rus47

jsmart said:


> She confessed all to him, so he has to be spiraling, feeling totally emasculated. Why a wife would want to do that to the father of her 2 sons is beyond me.


People do this all of the time to their spouse. A woman is just as crushed by the man she has been faithful to for a lifetime, going off with some 20 something hottie from his work who winks at him. Regardless of gender, most eventually do the same thing. Because they want to and the opportunity presents itself.


----------



## Rus47

ConanHub said:


> In all actuality, the AP is a very small man (,not commenting on his height) and is in need of crushing like the cockroach he is.


Unfortunately, while true this is rarely how the world actually works. During my career there were numerous men exactly like the AP in this story. And few of them ever got crushed or even dented in any way. One MARRIED manager in my department bedded many of the "married" women, and actually had some of them in a rotation. The women knew one another and seemed to be ok as part of his harem. Always thought he would lose his job or be killed by an irate husband (or his "wife"). But he retired to nice area.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Rus47 said:


> For awhile longer. Unfortunately a recession is on its way.


 in this case when the recession comes the last one in is the first one out ,


----------



## frenchpaddy

Rus47 said:


> Unfortunately, while true this is rarely how the world actually works. During my career there were numerous men exactly like the AP in this story. And few of them ever got crushed or even dented in any way. One MARRIED manager in my department bedded many of the "married" women, and actually had some of them in a rotation. The women knew one another and seemed to be ok as part of his harem. Always thought he would lose his job or be killed by an irate husband (or his "wife"). But he retired to nice area.


we had only two guys like that in all the men we worked with over the years , 
One was like you say able have women of every type that were happy to stand in line , he was not super good looking 
he was not tall well built , but women said he had hands of a god and made you feel like the world , 
they loved the way that he liked women like they were fine wine, women were his world , but he was married and had his photo on facebook with his wife and he had a lot more photos of his wife on his profile he had only one photo of himself ,


----------



## ConanHub

Rus47 said:


> Unfortunately, while true this is rarely how the world actually works. During my career there were numerous men exactly like the AP in this story. And few of them ever got crushed or even dented in any way. One MARRIED manager in my department bedded many of the "married" women, and actually had some of them in a rotation. The women knew one another and seemed to be ok as part of his harem. Always thought he would lose his job or be killed by an irate husband (or his "wife"). But he retired to nice area.


Because no one did anything. I've experienced different results but I'm kinda contrary.


----------



## Rus47

If life had turned in a different way, I could have been in @Kristy37 husbands shoes. Wife and I were “one and only”. We thankfully managed to somehow dodge the infidelity bullet. Maybe because we were born in an earlier day


----------



## ABHale

I believe focusing on the AP is a no go. What crime has he committed beside being a POS?

The women he has dated, married or single, chose to date him. The married ones made the decision to betray and humiliate their husbands.

This isn’t sexual harassment.


----------



## Rus47

ConanHub said:


> Because no one did anything. I've experienced different results but I'm kinda contrary.


The only one who could deliver justice to the AP would be @Kristy37 or another of his conquests at work. Near the end of my career, ( after the Manager I mentioned had retired ), several similar cases where I worked were given their walking papers because of Sexual Harassment suits from females on the job. The company adopted a zero tolerance for nonsense.

But @Kristy37 has already said that isn't happening. She is in love with him, though she doesn't yet acknowledge that.


----------



## ABHale

An earlier day before sex and cheating were not promoted and glorified like it is now.


----------



## Rus47

ABHale said:


> I believe focusing on the AP is a no go. What crime has he committed beside being a POS?
> 
> The women he has dated, married or single, chose to date him. The married ones made the decision to betray and humiliate their husbands.
> 
> *This isn’t sexual harassment.*


Correct, because none of the women objected to his attention. But I promise if @Kristy37 (or another) were to complain, the AP would be at risk of his job. I have seen more than one guy at work lose because of a "woman scorned". The company acted based on a single complaint. But you are also correct tha AP is only dining from the meal(s) on offer. Opportunity knocked and he answered.


----------



## jsmart

Rus47 said:


> People do this all of the time to their spouse. A woman is just as crushed by the man she has been faithful to for a lifetime, going off with some 20 something hottie from his work who winks at him. Regardless of gender, most eventually do the same thing. Because they want to and the opportunity presents itself.


Rus, in your average affair, there is compartmentalization that takes place. In this case there was purposeful humiliation that took place at the instigation of the OM. It’s not just that she she did acts that she never did with her husband. Which we all know what that meant. It is the point that humiliating her husband was part of the affair. 

The humiliation is much worse than what she shared publicly on this thread. She was already getting a lot of 2x4s for what she shared so I advised her privately not to mention the additional levels of humiliation. I’ve been on TAM for many years, so I know what is typical. Even though she’s not the first to do what she did on average few WWs do these things to their husbands.


----------



## oldshirt

Really the only thing actually different about Kristy that’s different from any other affair is how bluntly she disclosed everything.

There really isn’t anything different about her experience than any garden variety affair. 

Doing in the wayward’s home, complimenting his equipment, being enamored with his assertiveness, doing things she doesn’t do with BH, having lasting feelings and desire for AP, going through mourning after the breakup with AP and even having stolen moments and hook ups after DDAY are all part and parcel of almost every affair…..people just don’t admit to it. 

The only thing that separates her from everyone is that she has been stone cold candid about it. 

If you hear the real harsh truth, spend a day reading the threads on Reddit’s WS forum. 

This OP’s story is relatively tame compared to what gets discussed there.


----------



## MattMatt

Why do it with the AP in the marital bed? Apart from an idiot AP with humiliation issues, the bed is a known, comfortable location, so an obvious place to have sex.


----------



## oldshirt

jsmart said:


> Even though she’s not the first to do what she did on average few WWs do these things to their husbands.


We were posting at the same time. 

But I dispute this above.

I do believe this OP is the average and the norm. 

Where she may differ from the other WWs we typically see here on TAM is she was blunt in disclosing details. 

The typical WW that turns up here makes a few posts trying to paint herself as a virtuous maiden that got swept away in a moment of emotion and tries to do some damage control and preserve her normally virtuous persona before she gets tarred and feathered and ran off. 

The WW accounts we get her are often watered down versions and usually only a few posts before they bail. 

This OP not out of the ordinary in how the affair went down.

She is out of the ordinary in how candid she was in describing it.


----------



## frenchpaddy

oldshirt said:


> We were posting at the same time.
> 
> But I dispute this above.
> 
> I do believe this OP is the average and the norm.
> 
> Where she may differ from the other WWs we typically see here on TAM is she was blunt in disclosing details.
> 
> The typical WW that turns up here makes a few posts trying to paint herself as a virtuous maiden that got swept away in a moment of emotion and tries to do some damage control and preserve her normally virtuous persona before she gets tarred and feathered and ran off.
> 
> The WW accounts we get her are often watered down versions and usually only a few posts before they bail.
> 
> This OP not out of the ordinary in how the affair went down.
> 
> She is out of the ordinary in how candid she was in describing it.


 All most ALL OP on any topic that is about their relationship give the watered down versions , some go over the top with I am the perfect and they are all bad


----------



## oldshirt

frenchpaddy said:


> All most ALL OP on any topic that is about their relationship give the watered down versions , some go over the top with I am the perfect and they are all bad


Yeah my personal hunch is anything from a WS, after their initial post and they get barraged with the opening salvos of the attack, they try to go into a damage control mode and know they need to choose their words carefully.

This OP held in there and was upfront much longer than the norm.


----------



## Rus47

@Kristy37. If you are still reading. Whatever else you do, please get a full STD panel done and have your husband do the same. ASAP and again in 6 months. Your husband is fully exposed already by virtue of his hb with you. You and your husband are exposed to anything your promiscuous AP has and to anything his promiscuous partners have/had. I rather doubt he was exclusive to you for five months of your romance


----------



## Evinrude58

I have refrained from posting on this one, because it’s just …… awful…,.
But the more I think about it….
If a spouse is having an affair…… they clearly not only don’t have any feelings for their spouse, they DO NOT MIND the horrific pain they’re inflicting. So why should they worry about comparing bodies in a demeaning manner, banging in the marital bed, doing sex acts not ever done for the husband???…….

The obvious question I would ask is: Why would anyone take them back knowing the love isn’t there, and why would the wayward want to go back knowing the love isn’t there, other than for continuing to use their betrayed spouse. OP doesn’t love her husband. She’s just using him for security. She will cheat again, because in all honesty, she can easily be fine without him. His value has already been measured, in her eyes, he’s been found wanting.
this marriage was toast a long time ago. Let’s face it, OP is probably already back in infidelity.


----------



## drencrom

oldshirt said:


> The only thing that separates her from everyone is that she has been stone cold candid about it.


No, what separates it is not all WS's go back to get a few last snogs in with their affair partner after admitting it to the BS, screwing them in the marital bed, and stroking the OM's ego by telling him his celery is bigger than her husband's. 

These 3 aspects go beyond the humiliation she imposed on her husband by already simply just engaging in an affair in the first place.

She wanted to be forgiven and work on the marriage.....but not until she got a couple last rolls in the hay with Mr. Big Stuff.


----------



## drencrom

Rus47 said:


> Put yourself in his shoes.


I have been in his shoes. I divorced her.


----------



## Rus47

Evinrude58 said:


> Why would anyone take them back knowing the love isn’t there,


Her husband hasnt fully processed yet. And wont for months, maybe years. Werent you once where he is? He has gone from what he thought was secure to a nightmare that wont quit. Give him some time.

As far as tge WS, they ought to fully contemplate if they really want to R. @Kristy37 has gone free agent, and really enjoyed it. She needs to fully contemplate if fulltime free agent is what she really craves. Boring hubby can never compete with Mr Wonderful


----------



## drencrom

ABHale said:


> I believe focusing on the AP is a no go. What crime has he committed beside being a POS?
> 
> The women he has dated, married or single, chose to date him. The married ones made the decision to betray and humiliate their husbands.
> 
> *This isn’t sexual harassment.*


While I agree with this on principle, the law and company likely won't see it that way. If this guy is just a regular worker and not any of these womens' superior, then I agree with that statement.

If he is in a superior position where these women are subordinates at the company, it most definitely can be classified as sexual harassment, no matter if consensual or not(even though I think that's bulls***)

Case in point, lady where I worked had a consensual fling with her boss. Her husband found out, exposed the affair. The company, based on their legal team's advice, let him go because he was the boss. They didn't let her go because even though it was consensual, she could bring suit against the company since she could claim he preyed on her since he was a superior.


----------



## Evinrude58

Deleted.


----------



## oldshirt

drencrom said:


> No, what separates it is not all WS's go back to get a few last snogs in with their affair partner after admitting it to the BS, screwing them in the marital bed, and stroking the OM's ego by telling him his celery is bigger than her husband's.
> 
> These 3 aspects go beyond the humiliation she imposed on her husband by already simply just engaging in an affair in the first place.
> 
> She wanted to be forgiven and work on the marriage.....but not until she got a couple last rolls in the hay with Mr. Big Stuff.


I wish I could confirm that she was the exception with all of those things, but unfortunately that is the norm.

People DO do those things regularly in affairs,, they just don’t admit to it. 😞


----------



## frenchpaddy

there is at least 10 sites just for adulteress sites could be more so it is stretching it to say this is different 
Different all right the others are better at hiding it and don't bring them home , 
Act of a armature ,


----------



## Rus47

@Kristy37. If your husband hadnt asked, would you still be doing your AP? If the answer is yes doesnt that mean you transfered your allegiance to AP? How can that ever return to your husband?


----------



## oldshirt

frenchpaddy said:


> there is at least 10 sites just for adulteress sites could be more so it is stretching it to say this is different
> Different all right the others are better at hiding it and don't bring them home ,
> Act of a armature ,


Actually bringing the AP into the home/bed isn’t at all uncommon. 

It’s even discussed here on TAM quite a bit and quite a few BS’s have reported here that it has occurred. 

Nothing the OP here has reported is at all rare or common.

Of course not every single WS done every single thing in the playbook.

But what Kristy has reported here is probably more average and the norm than it is exceptional in any way.

While I wish I could say that she showed an exceptional level of depravity, the reality is this was just a garden variety affair.

This is simply what WWs and their OM do.


----------



## bobert

drencrom said:


> No, what separates it is not all WS's go back to get a few last snogs in with their affair partner after admitting it to the BS, screwing them in the marital bed, and stroking the OM's ego by telling him his celery is bigger than her husband's.


I don't think it's out of the norm to do it, most probably won't admit to it though. 

My wife did the first two with one of her AP's, and probably the third with him as well but I have no desire to ask about it. He seems like the type to be into that and I'm sure she would have gone along with it. 

I did the first and third (female version at least), and came close to doing the second and likely would have if it had worked out. 

Another affair I know about involved at least the second and third, not sure about the first. 

Sure that's just my experiences with it but I doubt it's as uncommon as some may think. 

We also don't know her motive for going back to the OM after confessing (or the rest of it), and we won't unless she comes back to post rather than just read.


----------



## Rus47

drencrom said:


> I have been in his shoes. I divorced her.


You were resolute and did the only thing that made sense. But most BH are on hopium, trying to figure out how to salvage a marriage that is in fact dead and gone.


----------



## frenchpaddy

Rus47 said:


> @Kristy37. If your husband hadnt asked, would you still be doing your AP? If the answer is yes doesnt that mean you transfered your allegiance to AP? How can that ever return to your husband?


I think most cheaters Think they can have it all ,

LIKE the joke every man needs to look for 5 things in a partner
1 A woman that can cook 
2 A woman that can blow his mind in bed 
3 A woman that gives a super massage 
4 A woman dance like a star
5 A woman that will be at the door waiting for him when he gets home 

and hope the 5 women never meet 

well most people and more men than women think they can love the partner stable and all the other reasons that are solid then they have the extra that feeds a side they thought they lost , the power to pull a younger or more powerfull job type like the boss 

It is said that most men on *Gleeden* 
say from the start that they are in a loving relationship (lol) but they need that little plus but they will never leave their wife


----------



## oldshirt

Rus47 said:


> @Kristy37. If your husband hadnt asked, would you still be doing your AP? If the answer is yes doesnt that mean you transfered your allegiance to AP? How can that ever return to your husband?


Considering the fact that she got with him again following DDAY and considering the fact she said if OM were to approach her again now that she doesn’t know if she would be able to say no, I think we can safely assume that the affair would have continued.


----------



## Rus47

oldshirt said:


> she said if OM were to approach her again now that she doesn’t know if she would be able to say no,


I didnt read where she said that. So what is the point of IC, MC, or pretending that R is even a possibility? Isn’t that just further victimizing the betrayed. Sticking the knife in and twisting?

We all know she is in AP’s rotation and he will be back to take another bite of that apple. Maybe go knock in their door some evening when hubby isnt home. Just a matter of time.

Is this a case of undisclosed and deep seated resentment, a desire to harm the husband as much as possible?


----------



## bobert

Rus47 said:


> I didnt read where she said that. So what is the point of IC, MC, or pretending that R is even a possibility? Isn’t that just further victimizing the betrayed. Sticking the knife in and twisting?


It's the reality of affairs. It's not a tap that can suddenly be turned off, which is were the IC comes in.


----------



## SunCMars

TexasMom1216 said:


> I get called out for generalizations and sexist stuff like this. This is absolutely incorrect for me. If it’s “just sex” with her, it’s “just sex” with me too. It’s dumb for any woman to think or believe the transparent lie that she is different or special to him. This is just yet another way to say that it’s ok when men are unfaithful, because it means something “different” to them. So it’s ok for men because “it’s different because I “love” you.” That you think this way changes my opinion of you. Cheating should be wrong for everyone. That’s a shame, *I’m disappointed in who you turned out to be.*


_Not to be._
It's how he is, how, many are.

In this world there are many lights, some bright, some dim, some barely discernible.

Some people see only their own light, and bask in it, foolishly.

Some of us here, those with me, in my realm, they do this.

I dine with sinners.

I do chide them, _Nemesis_ pins their hide to the wall, and they bleed.

Thus far, to no avail.
They are _incorrigible.



King Brian-_


----------



## SunCMars

oldshirt said:


> Considering the fact that she got with him again following DDAY and considering the fact she said if OM were to approach her again now that she doesn’t know if she would be able to say no, I think we can safely assume that the affair would have continued.


There is that outside _Force_, and that _Fate_, that takes them to that place.
Takes them and holds them in place.

A place so comforting.
It need be comforting, why else remain there?

The Force that I speak of, also aided in her creation.

It knows of her soft spots, it created her.
It owns the key to her vulnerability.

Its warm hands are irresistible......to some, not all.

She is not unique, no, many have these vulnerable soft underbelly's. 
Fate will test you.

IT Must.
That is _The Plan_.

Special note is given to those who resist, not those who succumb.

Let me ask all, which is the better deal?
Referencing those living, not those answering for their deeds.


----------



## oldshirt

bobert said:


> It's the reality of affairs. It's not a tap that can suddenly be turned off, which is were the IC comes in.


Much depends on the temperament and agenda of the OM.

Most OM are in it for the quick and easy poon and exit stage-left once the light get shed on the situation and they don’t want the drama or to get their ass kicked. They just move on to the next. 

But if an OM is persistent and puts in the effort, she’ll go back.

And from what I’ve seen, if the OM decides he wants her fulltime himself and is willing to step up to the plate and fight for her, most of the time she will monkey branch to the OM.


----------



## Gabriel

Late to the party here, but clearly:

1) sex with this AP was better - Kristy couldn't get enough of it
2) sounds like they had sex VERY often, like multiple times a week
3) Kristy is very honest here on the forum, it seems
4) she's ready for whatever consequences she needs to face
5) Kristy doesn't have any emotional attachment to the AP, it was really just great sex

Now it's up to her H to process this enormous violation of his trust and life. This processing takes a long time, usually a year or two, then another 2-3 years after that to "recover".

6) I could never rebound from this much physical intimacy and my wife emasculating me by comparing our prick sizes. I have no clue how this ends in a reconciliation.


----------



## MattMatt

The length of the penis doesn't matter. It's what it's attached to that is important. In this case an utterly foul piece of excrement in human form.

And I think @Kristy37 is fully aware of this.


----------



## SunCMars

MattMatt said:


> The length of the penis doesn't matter. It's what it's attached to that is important. In this case an utterly foul piece of excrement in human form.
> 
> And I think @Kristy37 is fully aware of this.


Yes.

In this case, the girth of the thick head above his shoulders, has no intrinsic value.

This OM is the type to stab a corpse, long after its death.


Why?

Because he can.
From that, he gets joy.

An utterly soulless, and selfish creature, he be.

Look at me, look at me, he, so thinks.

Ugh, thrice.


----------



## Rus47

MattMatt said:


> In this case an utterly foul piece of excrement in human form.


She enthusiastically joined herself to that piece, and enthusiastically allowed him to enter her to the fullest extent of his capabilities, who knows how many times over five months? She very much enjoyed it, she said as much that the sex was best she could even imagine. She felt him in depths her husband had never and never will plumb. 

@Kristy37 may be aware of his character on an intellectual level, in fact she said as much. But at the lustful level, I see no indication that she felt anything but good being with him. It is like a drug addict knows they shouldn't, but go back for hit after hit. If he calls, she will answer. She can't help herself.

And if the magnitude of his maleness didn't matter, why did she enthusiastically discuss it and recount that discussion to her husband. Turning the knife?


----------



## Diana7

oldshirt said:


> Really the only thing actually different about Kristy that’s different from any other affair is how bluntly she disclosed everything.
> 
> There really isn’t anything different about her experience than any garden variety affair.
> 
> Doing in the wayward’s home, complimenting his equipment, being enamored with his assertiveness, doing things she doesn’t do with BH, having lasting feelings and desire for AP, going through mourning after the breakup with AP and even having stolen moments and hook ups after DDAY are all part and parcel of almost every affair…..people just don’t admit to it.
> 
> The only thing that separates her from everyone is that she has been stone cold candid about it.
> 
> If you hear the real harsh truth, spend a day reading the threads on Reddit’s WS forum.
> 
> This OP’s story is relatively tame compared to what gets discussed there.


I agree. 
I don't think that she has faced any worse here than another cheater who comes to TAM.


----------



## MattMatt

Rus47 said:


> She enthusiastically joined herself to that piece, and enthusiastically allowed him to enter her to the fullest extent of his capabilities, who knows how many times over five months? She very much enjoyed it, she said as much that the sex was best she could even imagine. @Kristy37 may be aware of his character on an intellectual level, in fact she said as much. But at the lustful level, I see no indication that she felt anything but good being with him. It is like a drug addict knows they shouldn't, but go back for hit after hit. If he calls, she will answer. She can't help herself.
> 
> And if the magnitude of his maleness didn't matter, why did she enthusiastically discuss it and recount that discussion to her husband. Turning the knife?


At the risk of appearing obtuse, why the hell do you think people have affairs? 

There's actually a variety of reasons. Not all of them what you'd think of.

Logic doesn't come in to it, often.

People risk everything for some tawdry sex with an AP.

Sometimes it's not the sex that's important. There are deeper things going on that make a person vulnerable to a predator. 

And yes, I have been there so I know of what I talk.


----------



## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> I agree.
> I don't think that she has faced any worse here than another cheater who comes to TAM.


Actually, that's not a good thing, is it? All it means is that bullies like to bully.

Besides which, some of the replies were quite quickly removed from the site, so you might not have seen all of them.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

It would take a special human being to forgive and rebuild after something like this. Most of us would councel him to dump her but, it's entirely his choice and I wish him well. Personally, i couldn't get to the lawyer fast enough and the AP would have to go into hiding from me.


----------



## Rus47

@Kristy37, I hope that someday somehow you and especially your husband can find peace within. It will be a long journey. We all have done things that harmed others. We can make restitution if not reconciliation. The first only requires our willingness.


----------



## MattMatt

@Kristy37 something I have been meaning to ask you, you said you have children. How many do you have? What are their ages? Are they aware that there is a problem between you and your husband? 

If they are aware of problems (not the cheating necessarily, but just that mom and dad are in a difficult situation) between their parents? If so, I would suggest counselling for them. 

If you give me the location of your nearest large city (not your actual location, obviously!) I might be able to come up withy some professional counsellors who could be of benefit to your children. Family counselling might also be a good option, too, plus couple's counselling which can help post-affair.


----------



## Blondilocks

It looks to me like some members are getting a little too giddy with this thread. Some posts are coming across as smut.


----------



## jjj858

Rus47 said:


> The only one who could deliver justice to the AP would be @Kristy37 or another of his conquests at work. Near the end of my career, ( after the Manager I mentioned had retired ), several similar cases where I worked were given their walking papers because of Sexual Harassment suits from females on the job. The company adopted a zero tolerance for nonsense.
> 
> But @Kristy37 has already said that isn't happening. She is in love with him, though she doesn't yet acknowledge that.


I agree that she wouldn’t do any of that. She clearly loves the AP and had the best sex of her life with him. She was more concerned about pleasing him than doing anything for her husband clearly. She doesn’t want consequences for him. I can’t believe the husband is fine going forward after being completely torn down root and branch and emasculated. The sanctity of his home and bedroom desecrated forever. I have a feeling he’s just in shock right now and in an unstable emotional state understandably. Once he gets a grip on things the anger will likely come out. It will fester throughout the rest of this relationship. Just when she thinks everything is ok she can expect one day he will probably pull the carpet from underneath and serve her with divorce papers.


----------



## Diana7

MattMatt said:


> At the risk of appearing obtuse, why the hell do you think people have affairs?
> 
> There's actually a variety of reasons. Not all of them what you'd think of.
> 
> Logic doesn't come in to it, often.
> 
> People risk everything for some tawdry sex with an AP.
> 
> Sometimes it's not the sex that's important. There are deeper things going on that make a person vulnerable to a predator.
> 
> And yes, I have been there so I know of what I talk.


I dont know if your past experiences have made you more likely to think that he was the predator and she was the poor victim. I don't see that at all. I see two people equally responsible for their actions. It's not as if she is a teenager who may have been taken advantage of by a much older man. They are both mature(in age) adults. She a married woman with children.


----------



## drencrom

....


----------



## drencrom

Blondilocks said:


> It looks to me like some members are getting a little too giddy with this thread. Some posts are coming across as smut.


I think they are just keeping it real considering the smut of the situation.


----------



## Evinrude58

drencrom said:


> Just to be fair, the OM, while most certainly being guilty that, isn't the only one.


He wasn’t cheating. He was just taking what was freely given. He didn’t even get a new gf until she broke it off. Well, kinda broke it off. She knows he has a new gf so clearly she’s keeping tabs. 
So I agree with your statement.


----------



## drencrom

MattMatt said:


> At the risk of appearing obtuse, why the hell do you think people have affairs?
> 
> There's actually a variety of reasons. Not all of them what you'd think of.
> 
> Logic doesn't come in to it, often.
> 
> People risk everything for some tawdry sex with an AP.
> 
> Sometimes it's not the sex that's important. There are deeper things going on that make a person vulnerable to a predator.
> 
> And yes, I have been there so I know of what I talk.


So you have 2 people who loved the tawdry sex, neither could get enough....but it's the OM that is the predator here? I think they both were more than willing. Please don't put all of this on the OM, as much of a scumbag as he is.

They are both cut from the same cloth. He's just in a position as a single guy to move on.


----------



## drencrom

Evinrude58 said:


> He wasn’t cheating. He was just taking what was freely given. He didn’t even get a new gf until she broke it off. Well, kinda broke it off. She knows he has a new gf so clearly she’s keeping tabs.
> So I agree with your statement.


Oh, you are absolutely right. But that doesn't absolve him from being a scumbag or hopefully one of these days suffering at the hands of someone's husband.


----------



## Megaforce

Diana7 said:


> I dont know if your past experiences have made you more likely to think that he was the predator and she was the poor victim. I don't see that at all. I see two people equally responsible for their actions. It's not as if she is a teenager who may have been taken advantage of by a much older man. They are both mature(in age) adults. She a married woman with children.


I agree. This whole predator/victim dynamic is an attempt to minimize responsibility. And, to the extent it is disproportionately used in the WW situation, it is patronizing, condescending and the product of some archaic notions about women, their sex drives and their capacity for evil. Men and women are, essentially, character flawed about equally. 
I have seen it where a BW wants to look at the OW as a victimizing pursuer. But, much less frequently than men ignoring their wive' s active role.


----------



## Diana7

drencrom said:


> Oh, you are absolutely right. But that doesn't absolve him from being a scumbag or hopefully one of these days suffering at the hands of someone's husband.


Some may say the married person is far worse because they have a spouse and children. The single person doesn't. So no the OM isnt a predator, they are equally responsible.


----------



## Diana7

Megaforce said:


> I agree. This whole predator/victim dynamic is an attempt to minimize responsibility. And, to the extent it is disproportionately used in the WW situation, it is patronizing, condescending and the product of some archaic notions about women, their sex drives and their capacity for evil. Men and women are, essentially, character flawed about equally.
> I have seen it where a BW wants to look at the OW as a victimizing pursuer. But, much less frequently than men ignoring their wive' s active role.


Yes thats happened so many times here where a betrayed husband had portrayed the OM as the evil predator and his wife the innocent victim 'taken advantage' of. I know women who were actually much more of a predator that the OM.


----------



## Evinrude58

drencrom said:


> Oh, you are absolutely right. But that doesn't absolve him from being a scumbag or hopefully one of these days suffering at the hands of someone's husband.


Totally agree. I do not mess with married women. 
Why do guys go after married women (I think it’s just to get the wild monkey sex and let the husband take all the negatives of dealing with her) when there’s plenty of single ones. It’s a mean, soul crushing thing to do. This AP was such a louse that he enjoyed the man’s own wife in the man’s own bedroom and got a kick out of it, Evil I’d say. 
Yes, he is a total scumbag.
But one of a flock that flew together.


----------



## drencrom

Guy where I live got his teeth knocked out for screwing someone else's wife. Local cops played favorites, sided with the husband since he could claim the guy trespassed on his property.


----------



## Diana7

Tested_by_stress said:


> It would take a special human being to forgive and rebuild after something like this. Most of us would councel him to dump her but, it's entirely his choice and I wish him well. Personally, i couldn't get to the lawyer fast enough and the AP would have to go into hiding from me.


I would try to forgive for my own well being but for me the trust would be gone so the marriage would be over. I would also order a new bed with bedding and possibly even have to move house. My safe haven would no longer feel safe.


----------



## mickybill

BetrayedDad said:


> A combination of shell shock, codependency and fear of the future.
> 
> This marriage has been dead for years, unfortunately no one gave him the memo.


Or after a month or two of trying to save the marriage he will wake up and understand how much his wife intentionally chose to hurt him in some of the worst ways and rage will appear.
Who know where Kristy will be at that time, still the contrite wife or the it's time to move on wife...


----------



## jsmart

While I do not subscribe to the innocent damsel, who has no agency, being taken advantage by the sinister playerin this case he pushed the OP to actively humiliate her husband. He wasn’t the typical OM, who’s satisfied with tons of hot sex which included getting her to do sex acts she never did with her husband. As a divorced dude, he didn’t have to use her place to have sex. He made a point of desecrating their home and she knowingly went along with it. She privately admitted to more humiliating things she did to her husband but I’ll leave to her to reveal that. 

But why did she do all of that? Because she was obviously enamored with him and wanted to please him. she said she didn’t love him and that it wasn’t like that but actions speak louder than words. 

One wonders, why was the OM so spiteful towards her husband? Because it’s a way to get the WW to get more wanton. It wasn’t because he was jealous of her husband because he quickly moved on to another woman and hasn’t come back yet. That tells us 2 things, 1. that she didn’t mean anything to him and 2. he’s a high sex rank guy who can easily pull women. 

I hope she and her husband have gotten tested for STDs. He probably has really been around the block. Thank goodness that she didn’t end up pregnant. Imagine another situation like Cici where she doesn’t know who the father is?


----------



## DudeInProgress

MattMatt said:


> The length of the penis doesn't matter. It's what it's attached to that is important.


The actions of many WW seem to indicate otherwise.


----------



## Rus47

@Kristy37 hasn't said anything in awhile here. IMO, discussing motives/actions/whatever about anything having to do with her without her participation on a thread *she* started is rather pointless. She originally said she wanted to talk about the affair and aftermath but evidently changed her mind. Hopefully she will get whatever help she was seeking somehow.


----------



## DudeInProgress

Rus47 said:


> @Kristy37 hasn't said anything in awhile here. IMO, discussing motives/actions/whatever about anything having to do with her without her participation on a thread *she* started is rather pointless. She originally said she wanted to talk about the affair and aftermath but evidently changed her mind. Hopefully she will get whatever help she was seeking somehow.


It’s her husband who desperately needs help here.
It occurs to me that if she is truly as remorseful, transparent and focused on helping her husband heal, she should send him here to see everything in black-and-white and have the opportunity to onboard all of the information and perspectives.


----------



## truststone

Kristy37 said:


> He just said he would back off. Realy didn't discuss it much beyond that. I avoid him as best as I can. Fortunately only around him in group settings.


Have you thought about how it makes you Husband feel that you still have contact with AP at work even if you try your best not to !! thats the whole point of being truelly remorseful never putting yourself in a position to posible trigger your Husband.. the fact you are still working with him for whatever reason is in itself a trigger to your husband.. And if you are thibking of him which now you have too how can you even justify staying . its a constant reminde to your husband whether he says it or not !!! you must see that . if you cant see that then your arent as sorry as you claim you are!! this is something that you should of done immediately once your Husband chose to give you a chance !!


----------



## ConanHub

Rus47 said:


> But @Kristy37 has already said that isn't happening. She is in love with him, though she doesn't yet acknowledge that.


Yeah, I must have missed where she said that.

I have a hard time believing her husband is tolerating her work environment.


----------



## Mr.Married

If there was ever a thread that did a great job of punching an OP in the face this would be the one. A lot of people were way out of line. It was like some grade school bullying BS. A lot of people here have triggers but it doesn’t mean you can act like a total jerk.


----------



## TAMAT

About this OM and the workplace ignoring everything else for a moment.

From a strictly economic standpoint a serial cheating OM who has affairs with coworkers will cause some of them to quit.

Whatever training and expereience the WWs have will be lost, this is an enormous expense especially if he picks stable and productive coworkers. This is a consideration independent of the lawsuit potential.

Given the tendency for OMs to jump on new employees, the effect may be increased because the employees has become productive just when the affair goes wrong.


----------



## truststone

quick question after she confessed she continued for a week?
did she end it or did the AP end it ?
if she didnt end it she never wanted it to end ?

i beleieve what someone said she is being very honest the question is why ?
1) to help herself deal with what she did ? and unltimately not have to totally deal with the guilt
2) does she even realy love her Husband ? and being honest is a way for her to go through the motions without facing the consequences

i just cant understand why she fealt the need to demascuate her husband.. and the kicker she continued for a week


----------



## Mr.Married

A lot of questions from a lot of people would be clearly answered if they just read the thread. The same questions were asked over and over and over…..


----------



## Captain Obvious

I think Kristy has left the building.


----------



## Sfort

Captain Obvious said:


> I think Kristy has left the building.


That seems to be the way TAM operates lately through no fault of the moderators.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I'm not sure what Kristy's objective was coming here. Was she looking for advice on how to fix what she did? Such advice is probably way beyond the pay scale of most of us here. If her marriage survives long term, I would call it nothing short of a miracle. The odds are not in her favour. I didn't know before but my boss told a couple of us today about the time he caught his ex wife in an affair with his best friend. He said she confessed to sleeping with him for approximately 6 months by the time the jig was up. This included multiple times in the marital bed. He couldn't get past it and divorced her. Incidentally, she is now remarried to her AP.


----------



## Sfort

Tested_by_stress said:


> I'm not sure what Kristy's objective was coming here. Was she looking for advice on how to fix what she did?


Yes. Unfortunately she was brutally honest, triggered a lot of people, and got hammered. Hopefully her attackers never have to come here for help.


----------



## ABHale

Captain Obvious said:


> I think Kristy has left the building.


She was on today about 5 hrs ago. She just isn’t posting anything.


----------



## ABHale

Think most of the “attackers” have been help here.

It is hard to help someone that isn’t remorseful for what they did.


----------



## GusPolinski

Kristy37 said:


> New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.
> 
> 37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.
> 
> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


So when are you planning to end the affair?


----------



## Diana7

Mr.Married said:


> If there was ever a thread that did a great job of punching an OP in the face this would be the one. A lot of people were way out of line. It was like some grade school bullying BS. A lot of people here have triggers but it doesn’t mean you can act like a total jerk.


It always happens when a cheater comes here. Not saying it's right at all, but it's no different to usual.


----------



## Marc878

MattMatt said:


> Why do it with the AP in the marital bed? Apart from an idiot AP with humiliation issues, the bed is a known, comfortable location, so an obvious place to have sex.


AP inflicting the ultimate disrespect on her husband. Aided and abetted by the wayward wife. AP and probably his wife thrill seeking. I’ve seen it before on another site.


----------



## Marc878

Marc878 said:


> AP inflicting the ultimate disrespect on her husband. Aided and abetted by the wayward wife. AP and probably his wife thrill seeking. I’ve seen it before on another site.


To add to this. One betrayed husband tried to reconcile because they had been married over 25 years. He did destroy the marital bed but couldn’t get over the betrayal even though his wife was doing everything possible. He ended up divorcing her 5 years after. I think he regretted the 5 years.


----------



## Mr.Married

GusPolinski said:


> So when are you planning to end the affair?


seriously….. read the thread


----------



## manwithnoname

Mr.Married said:


> seriously….. read the thread


Read between the lines, or in this case, line.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

I'm sure if Krsty was to come back and give an honest answer, she would say she had no intentions of ending the affair before it was exposed.


----------



## Slow Hand

I don’t believe the affair is over...


----------



## TeeTee78

I can relate to this! My hubby and I worked through it. I did end up leaving the job not because of the guy i had an affair with but because of the job itself. 



Kristy37 said:


> New here and made an account just to have a place somewhere to discuss this.
> 
> 37 married mother here, but had an affair with a man I work with. I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my husband wants to work it out. However I still work with the other man and given the current economy and my salary and benefits getting another job is unlikely.
> 
> Not even sure what I'm asking or saying by stating this. Guess I just needed to talk about it.


----------



## GusPolinski

Mr.Married said:


> seriously….. read the thread


I did.

For as long as there is contact — on any level — with the AP, the affair is ongoing.


----------



## Megaforce

Problem with asking for advice on how to fix this is we do not know her husband, his tolerance, philosophy, and, especially, whether he has any history of trauma. 
Good book on the differences in brain chemistry, and the neurochemical differences in terms of which chemicals are released in previously traumatized folks vs folks with no such history is The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson.
In my case, I was sexually abused as a child, and raised in a home headed by a very abusive alcoholic parent. I know infidelity is no picnic for anyone, but, I think my childhood made things even more traumatic. I had, with a lot of struggle, come to completely trust my XW. I had never let anyone before( or since) get that close.
Anderson explains that folks with histories similar to mine, betrayal history, have very different neurochemicals released upon subsequent betrayals.


----------



## In Absentia

It's funny how people are saying the affair is still going on when there is absolutely NO PROOf of this. Come on, guys, let your triggers alone and be objective for once. Every single OP coming here with a story of infidelity, to discuss her/his feelings, or how to move forward, is bashed to death instead and driven unceremoniously out of the building.


----------



## Rus47

Is it possible that the title of this forum naturally focused toward the betrayed rather than a wayward? If @Kristy37 had started her thread in the Reconciliation forum (assuming that fit what she is interested in doing), would that have yielded better results? Would a forum labeled as for waywards facilitate better results?

i kept waiiting for @Affaircare to post in this thread. She always seems to have good and kind advice for waywards.


----------



## snowbum

I think the fact she piled on by screwing the AP after “ coming clean” eroded good will. She doesn’t seem to care about dh, more so for the Om


----------



## In Absentia

snowbum said:


> I think the fact she piled on by screwing the AP after “ coming clean” eroded good will. She doesn’t seem to care about dh, more so for the Om


Where did she say that?


----------



## Captain Obvious

In Absentia said:


> Where did she say that?


on page 10


----------



## In Absentia

Captain Obvious said:


> on page 10


ah ah, yes, she did... still... she stopped the affair after that, though... I guess nobody believes her?


----------



## Evinrude58

t.


In Absentia said:


> ah ah, yes, she did... still... she stopped the affair after that, though... I guess nobody believes her?


I think it’s delayed ……until OM comes sniffing around again…

No consequences whatsoever….. she’s still attracted to her affair partner, still works with him. Didn’t stop even when she saw the horror on her husbands face.

there is zero reason for her not togo back to the well. She now KNOWS her h won’t leave her.


----------



## Beach123

snowbum said:


> I think the fact she piled on by screwing the AP after “ coming clean” eroded good will. She doesn’t seem to care about dh, more so for the Om


That - and the fact that she didn’t quit the job right away. Giving her access to her OM on a regular basis.

AND that her husband seemed so easily to want to forgive her with no consequences. 

Did they even expose the affair to family/friends? I don’t see where there was any penalty for her bad behavior.

Which normally indicates she will do it again - given the opportunity.

I hope the OP will get professional help so she won’t do it again.


----------



## ConanHub

Mr.Married said:


> seriously….. read the thread


I'm pretty sure he is inferring she hasn't ended it despite her claims due to her continuing contact and attitude towards her AP.


----------



## Captain Obvious

Beach123 said:


> That - and the fact that she didn’t quit the job right away. Giving her access to her OM on a regular basis.
> 
> AND that her husband seemed so easily to want to forgive her with no consequences.
> 
> Did they even expose the affair to family/friends? I don’t see where there was any penalty for her bad behavior.
> 
> Which normally indicates she will do it again - given the opportunity.
> 
> I hope the OP will get professional help so she won’t do it again.


i believe she said his mother knows about the affair and was encouraging them to reconcile. I seriously doubt mom knows the extent and magnitude to which her little boy was betrayed.


----------



## oldshirt

Rus47 said:


> Is it possible that the title of this forum naturally focused toward the betrayed rather than a wayward? If @Kristy37 had started her thread in the Reconciliation forum (assuming that fit what she is interested in doing), would that have yielded better results? Would a forum labeled as for waywards facilitate better results?
> 
> i kept waiiting for @Affaircare to post in this thread. She always seems to have good and kind advice for waywards.


There almost needs to be some kind of warning on the infidelity board for Waywards that many of the people that frequent that board are the Betrayed and that anything short falling on their sword and publicly disemboweling themselves in shame will result in attack. 

It’s really not a place where waywards can commiserate or seek valid advice and support on how to sort out their own conflicting feelings and make plans and strategies for moving forward. 

I’m not sure creating a specific wayward section will be beneficial either as I think it would just turn into a battlefield with the betrayed wanting blood.


----------



## Rus47

If I am not mistaken, absent a forum focused for waywards, a wayward could begin a conversation with others from their own profile. And, if the setup of the focused forum sternly warned that it was for waywards and 'recovering' waywards only, wouldn't that suffice? Of course, the ignore button works well in my experience, but new posters may not know about it and how useful it can be.


----------



## bobert

Rus47 said:


> Is it possible that the title of this forum naturally focused toward the betrayed rather than a wayward? If @Kristy37 had started her thread in the Reconciliation forum (assuming that fit what she is interested in doing), would that have yielded better results? Would a forum labeled as for waywards facilitate better results?


Unless TAM had rules similar to SI (waywards only), it wouldn't help.


----------



## In Absentia

Evinrude58 said:


> t.
> 
> I think it’s delayed ……until OM comes sniffing around again…
> 
> No consequences whatsoever….. she’s still attracted to her affair partner, still works with him. Didn’t stop even when she saw the horror on her husbands face.
> 
> there is zero reason for her not togo back to the well. She now KNOWS her h won’t leave her.


This is a possibility, obviously. But still a conjecture…


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Does it really matter if the affair is over given the extent of the damage? There is already enough carnage to kill the majority of marriages.


----------



## bobert

Tested_by_stress said:


> Does it really matter if the affair is over given the extent of the damage? There is already enough carnage to kill the majority of marriages.


Of course it matters. Reconciliation cannot happen with an ongoing affair.


----------



## Livvie

How long is this thread going to continue to grow-OP hasn't participated in ages it's just members discussing stuff.


----------



## ConanHub

Livvie said:


> How long is this thread going to continue to grow-OP hasn't participated in ages it's just members discussing stuff.


She's still observing at least.


----------



## Beach123

bobert said:


> Of course it matters. Reconciliation cannot happen with an ongoing affair.


And it’s really difficult to reconcile when she was so focused on the OM - to the point of continuing to have sex with the OM after DDay, sleeping with him in their bed and sharing that her OM has a penis that’s bigger than her husbands.

That kind of disrespect is tough to get past.

Op… does your H know all these details at this point?


----------



## bobert

Beach123 said:


> And it’s really difficult to reconcile when she was so focused on the OM - to the point of continuing to have sex with the OM after DDay, sleeping with him in their bed and sharing that her OM has a penis that’s bigger than her husbands.
> 
> That kind of disrespect is tough to get past.
> 
> Op… does your H know all these details at this point?


Of course it's difficult to get past those details, or even just the fact that there was an affair at all. It's possible though, _if_ the affair has ended. 

The OP has already said that her husband knows the details. As of when she posted, he wanted to reconcile.


----------



## truststone

Mr.Married said:


> A lot of questions from a lot of people would be clearly answered if they just read the thread. The same questions were asked over and over and over…..


I agree im just looking at the questions previously asked in a different light
- from the standpoint its about only her
1) people say give her a break because she is being totally honest 
- im like sure but the assumption alot are making is shes doing it because she doesnt want to be dishonest anymore and wants to change who she became or something on those lines
***-- I on the other hand always look at a persons actions which led me to a different assumption and wonder why nobody has suggested the same. she is doing everything from a selfish standpoint !! which i believe is not having to deal with the consequences . shes saying the right things doing the right things but no real concrete actions that would make anybody beleiev shes doing it for her husband unless i missed something !!!

everything she has done has been about her ?? she is the benificator
Not once has the focus been her husband !!! Again here look at the actions..
Even the councelling etc why do that if your still in an environment that isnt healthy for guess who - her husband ( hence why she is still at work or continued the affair for a week after being HOnest thats right she was complelty honest and continued - what does that tell you ..

That is why I revisited the questions previously asked

I will post what Aftercaire wrote a long time ago and you will see the difference 


This is what she wrote 
Hi @Newgem 

I'd like to introduce myself to you: I am a former wayward spouse too. Very similar to you, my dear hubby and I tried for a baby for a couple years, I finally got pregnant and miscarried. After that, we did some medical tests and found out that I was going into peri-menopause and he had low sperm count and they were not formed right. Long story short, we were infertile. It hit me like a ton of bricks--losing the baby AND losing the chance to ever have one again. My whole life had revolved around my identity a sexy, alive, fertile woman...and suddenly I was NOT any of the things I thought of as my identity. So my dear hubby and I mourned differently. He tended to withdraw into his cave and I tended to need hugs and reassurance. The more I tried for sympathy--the more he withdrew. So I thought he didn't care about me and just decided to do my own thing...and I met someone in a game. The OM in the game "said" I was amazing, smart, and interesting when my own husband couldn't care less (or so I thought) and yep, I fell for it and hard. 

So as you can see, I can at least understand where you're coming from--though I have to say that in MY instance, when my hubby discovered he told the OM "If you think I'm going to give up my wife without a fight, you've got another thing coming!" and I was shocked that he gave a ****! But after discovery, and after he essentially said to me that I could go if I wanted but if I went out the door I would never, ever come back again... I chose to stop and end it. After that, both of us, together, rebuilt a new marriage and actually reconciled. I think the difference between you and I, though, is that I realized that what I DESERVED, and was the rightful result of my actions, was to lose my family and my marriage. To receive the gift of time to be able to prove myself was SUCH AN ENORMOUS GIFT that I never, ever, Ever, EVER again took that for granted. In addition, the first time around, I really took the time and spent the time looking deep into my own self and the way I thought and literally changed my way of thinking. It's not just that I "changed my mind" but rather, I changed the entire way that I thought. And having made that change, thereafter and to this day, I know my weak spots, I share my weak spots, and I safeguard my marriage and my spouse from being hurt by me by literally GUARDING my weaknesses. 

For you, I suspect that right now the biggest motivator in your mind is that you don't want to experience the natural consequence of your choices. See, you didn't accidentally trip and fall onto the OLD website and sext with these guys via buttdial. LOL  You made little choices all along the way. That's how you cope with sorrow--by reaching out to others for attention. Attention= I am still loveable. So one thing you are going to have to just accept is that natural aftermath of behaving in an untrustworthy way, is that you will not be trusted. In your head--and your heart--you may THINK "Yeah but I mean it now. I won't do it again. You can trust me" but your words and your actions don't match! People trust when words and actions match: you do what you say you're going to do; you ARE where you say you're going to BE; you are with the people you say you're going to be with, etc. Once you start even "little white lies" words aren't matching actions! And thus if you are saying now "I mean it. I won't do it again. You can trust me" that means that you don't mean it, you will do it again, and you can't be trusted! LOL Make sense?

So #1 begin to accept that the natural repurcussion of infidelity (unfaithfulness) is that your partner will no longer have faith in you! That's just the cost!

Likewise, when you act in a way that kills the intimate closeness of a relationship, you can't just say "Can it go back to the way it was?" Envision it like this: if you had a knife and over and over again stabbed your spouse until they died, and then you realized what you had done, even if you are VERY, VERY, VERY sorry, and swore you'd never kill again and really did mean it--your spouse would still be just as dead, your spouse would still never be alive again, and you'd still need to go to jail because society has to protect itself! It's pretty similar here. Your actions where like stabs over and over and over again to your marriage. Because of the stabs (lies) it is now dead. Even if you are very sorry, swear you'll never do it again, and really will put in the effort now--the marriage may still be just as dead, it may never live again, and you'd still need to figure out how to protect yourself and others from your tendency to cope with sorrow this way. 

So #2 begin to accept that the fact that your actions caused the death of your relationship with your spouse. 

Now, getting through just those two things is often more than many people can bear. In real life, people very rarely do recover and TRULY reconcile after infidelity because it takes two miracles: 1) the unfaithful person has to be VERY humble and look at themselves and examine some deep stuff that can be pretty painful, and 2) the faithful person has to be VERY patient and generous at a time when they are the wounded party! 

I will write more maybe later tonight, but I wanted to start at least writing and see if we couldn't strike up a dialogue.


----------



## truststone

Sfort said:


> Yes. Unfortunately she was brutally honest, triggered a lot of people, and got hammered. Hopefully her attackers never have to come here for help.


Again i think your wrong it not triggers thats a naive thought or way to look at it !! its because we have see so much that we now are able to sieve through the BS sometimes when it is being hidden or masked under trying to be sincere.. look at an earlier post i wrote and youll see what i mean !!


----------



## truststone

Evinrude58 said:


> t.
> 
> I think it’s delayed ……until OM comes sniffing around again…
> 
> No consequences whatsoever….. she’s still attracted to her affair partner, still works with him. Didn’t stop even when she saw the horror on her husbands face.
> 
> there is zero reason for her not togo back to the well. She now KNOWS her h won’t leave her.


Not only is she attracted she has stated it !!


----------



## bobert

truststone said:


> Not only is she attracted she has stated it !!


No ****. She wouldn't have slept with him if she wasn't attracted to him


----------



## truststone

The beautiful thing about TAM is BS has no chance so when people come on here if they are they will soon realize it .. those that arent you will see TAM come to their side and help. But TAM will first and alway has to check to see if its authentic because most have seen alot and most under no circumstance will never put up with a cheater who comes on here with BS - EVER and if they are sincere they will get the support - but part of that support doesnt come easy just like reconciliation you have to want it at all costs...


----------



## Tested_by_stress

bobert said:


> Of course it matters. Reconciliation cannot happen with an ongoing affair.


How could anyone (who knows all the gory details) reconcile after something like this? The only thing keeping the relationship alive at this point is the hysterical bonding.


----------



## jjj858

Tested_by_stress said:


> How could anyone (who knows all the gory details) reconcile after something like this? The only thing keeping the relationship alive at this point is the hysterical bonding.


I agree completely. This relationship is all but over. The husband is not in his right mind right now due to the trauma and grief. That’s what causes hysterical bonding. It’s when the relationship dies when you weren’t ready for it to die or weren’t expecting it to. This is as bad as the sudden death of a close loved one. The level of grief is the same or worse.

I know because I’ve been in the husbands shoes before. Looking back I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. I was too caught up in my trauma to step outside myself and see this person for what they really were. I vowed to never let myself fall into that trap again. I look back on my pleas for her to stay and continue the relationship as kind of pathetic and totally out of character. But you live, you learn.


----------



## bobert

Tested_by_stress said:


> How could anyone (who knows all the gory details) reconcile after something like this? The only thing keeping the relationship alive at this point is the hysterical bonding.





jjj858 said:


> I know because I’ve been in the husbands shoes before.


I've been in those shoes as well, gory details ans all. Still married almost 4 years later and those details are just part of what happened. Getting to that point takes time, effort, and money.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

bobert said:


> I've been in those shoes as well, gory details ans all. Still married almost 4 years later and those details are just part of what happened. Getting to that point takes time, effort, and money.


Bobert, you are definitely an exception to the rule. Your strength of character is amazing and your wife doesn't truly know how lucky she is.


----------



## drencrom

Mr.Married said:


> seriously….. read the thread


seriously......the affair may have ended, but there is a high chance of it starting back up since 1) she still works with the man and 2) clearly didn't want it to be over because even after she confessed, she still got a few good ones in with OM before parting ways.

As long as she still works with this guy, this marriage will be in peril. Also, the way she went above and beyond to disrespect her husband....had sex with the OM in the marital bed, disparaged her husband's manhood to the OM, and #2 above...she will always look back fondly on her monkey sex with the OM. I really wish her husband were reading all of this, because he likely doesn't realize the disparaging happened and also doesn't realize she likely will always crave this sex with the OM.

This husband is going to likely reconcile without knowing everything.


----------



## drencrom

In Absentia said:


> ah ah, yes, she did... still... she stopped the affair after that, though... I guess nobody believes her?


She compared her husband's d*** to the OMs, let the OM know he was bigger, slept in the marital bed, went back for more after confessing, relishing the monkey sex she had with the OM....

No, I don't believe her.


----------



## drencrom

bobert said:


> No ****. She wouldn't have slept with him if she wasn't attracted to him


I don't think that was her point. Alot of remorseful waywards lose the attraction because, if truly remorseful, the thought of the AP should disgust them.

And it went beyond attraction to the OM, she enjoyed the type of sex she didn't have with her husband. It was exciting to her, and if anyone, based on what she has said here, thinks that if the opportunity presented itself that she wouldn't hop in bed with him again, you are fooling yourselves.


----------



## drencrom

Tested_by_stress said:


> How could anyone (who knows all the gory details) reconcile after something like this? The only thing keeping the relationship alive at this point is the hysterical bonding.


That's just it, does he have all the gory details? Unless she admitted it and I missed it, I'm not certain she told her husband that she stroked the OMs ego by telling him he has a bigger d*** than he does.


----------



## Sfort

drencrom said:


> A lot of remorseful waywards lose the attraction because, if truly remorseful, the thought of the AP should disgust them.


Please elaborate. Why would a WS, who is 100% responsible for the affair (as is AP) become disgusted with AP?


----------



## Sfort

drencrom said:


> I'm not certain she told her husband that she stroked the OMs ego by telling him he has a bigger d*** than he does.


She did.


----------



## drencrom

Sfort said:


> Please elaborate. Why would a WS, who is 100% responsible for the affair (as is AP) become disgusted with AP?


By being disgusted with the affair itself and anything being tied to it, which includes the affair partner.....that is IF she is truly remorseful.

If not, then if she still holds attraction to the OM, she will sleep with him again if the opportunity presents itself and her being attracted still to OM isn't something hubby should have to put up with.


----------



## drencrom

Sfort said:


> She did.


I didn't see where she told her husband she compared his size with OM.

If you are talking about post #242, that is Kristy telling the OM how big her husband was because OM asked.


----------



## Sfort

drencrom said:


> By being disgusted with the affair itself and anything being tied to it, which includes the affair partner.....that is IF she is truly remorseful.


I'm not arguing or disagreeing. It's just not logical that WS becomes disgusted with AP because of the WS's decision to cheat. If the AP was manipulative, I could see it. However, the responsibility for cheating is 100% on the WS. 

I fully acknowledge that things get complicated.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

drencrom said:


> That's just it, does he have all the gory details? Unless she admitted it and I missed it, I'm not certain she told her husband that she stroked the OMs ego by telling him he has a bigger d*** than he does.


She said she told her husband everything she's told us.


----------



## ABHale

drencrom said:


> I didn't see where she told her husband she compared his size with OM.
> 
> If you are talking about post #242, that is Kristy telling the OM how big her husband was because OM asked.


She said that her AP ask about her husband and she told him that he was bigger.


----------



## ABHale

Tested_by_stress said:


> She said she told her husband everything she's told us.


And we have been lied to by other waywards as well. That is what they do, they lie. There is no way to know what the true is, this whole thread could be a lie as well.

To be honest, I believe that she told most of the truth. I don’t she her holding anything back to protect her husband. She just doesn’t care enough for him to have done that.


----------



## drencrom

Sfort said:


> I'm not arguing or disagreeing. It's just not logical that WS becomes disgusted with AP because of the WS's decision to cheat.


I wasn't tying it to the WS's decision to cheat. I was tying it to a WS who ends an affair and is truly disgusted with themselves for doing it, and sometimes in turn being disgusted with the AP as well.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

scorched earth is the only right answer, ever.


----------



## drencrom

Tested_by_stress said:


> She said she told her husband everything she's told us.


I looked at all her posts. I didn't see where she said that at all.

The only thing I saw her say was that she "confessed all" to him....that doesn't mean she told him how she disparaged him and his lesser manhood to the OM.


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## uwe.blab

ABHale said:


> And we have been lied to by other waywards as well. That is what they do, they lie. There is no way to know what the true is, this whole thread could be a lie as well.
> 
> To be honest, I believe that she told most of the truth. I don’t she her holding anything back to protect her husband. She just doesn’t care enough for him to have done that.


Ok so if she is TOO honest she is just cruel and if she isn't honest enough she is just a liar like all waywards. I mean, what is the point of reading this if that is your conclusion....?


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## UpsideDownWorld11

drencrom said:


> I saw that she told her AP that her husband's penis was smaller. And if she did tell her husband that, I'd sure love to know how that topic was breached and how she relayed it to him.


If it was relayed then he needs to visit a divorce lawyer asap. No putting that genie back in a bottle


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## Numb26

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> scorched earth is the only right answer, ever.


This!! There is no trust, no reconciliation afterwards


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## TexasMom1216

Numb26 said:


> This!! There is no trust, no reconciliation afterwards


There shouldn’t ever be any trust.


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## drencrom

ABHale said:


> She said that her AP ask about her husband and she told him that he was bigger.


Yes, that's what I read as well.


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## Numb26

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Well even IF you do end up reconciling. You first burn it to the ground. Then you go back pour more gasoline on the ashes and strike a match again. And while the fire is raging you go and bang everything in sight.


That's what I did! 🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## drencrom

uwe.blab said:


> People communicate in writing differently. My step-dad's emails and texts are very straight-forward, but he is much different in person. It appears that she is answering the questions asked. Is she cruel and uncaring? Maybe, maybe not.
> 
> But being TOO honest? You can't have it both ways. You say she is a cheater, and therefore she could not have told the truth. But that she is too truthful as well.


Cheaters usually put forth half truths. As in this case, she said she confessed all, but I highly doubt she told her husband she told the OM he has a bigger stick. Becasue 1, there aint no coming back from that disrespect. And 2, what did she say if she did say it, "oh by the way, I told him he has a bigger d*** than you because it's true and I really enjoyed that monkey sex with Mr. Big Bone."

No, I don't think she told him everything.


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## Gabriel

250+ posts since the OP's last one. Maybe it's best to wait....


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## OddOne

OP doesn't need to do much of anything beyond whatever it is she's already done, and she can probably stop that too.

She doesn't need to quit her job.

She doesn't need to keep contact with AP to a minimum while she still works with him or in proximity to him.

She can probably even resume her affair for a second time.

It also makes no difference in her reality if she is remorseful.

Her BH is going nowhere because he doesn't have it within himself at this time to hold her to account. Even if he is in some state of shock, she can probably tell when he is about to come out of it, and there's no telling how long he'll be in that state anyway, which she'll probably fairly easily be able to deal with. Her BH simply has more tolerance than most have or claim they have. He may also figure it's cheaper to keep her and want to keep the family intact for as long as possible.

OP is in control and she knows it. If the marriage ends, it will almost surely be because she decided to end it, which she will do, perhaps, when the time is convenient for her.


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## truststone

I looked at everything again and something seems off 
1) she was a virgin before her husband and so was he --- this is the level of innocence we start with
2)she went from 1 partner to cheating - again not okay but this does happen
3) look at everything she did eg where she cheated ( the marital home/bed) , how she continued the affair , comparing d##k size
- now remember this all came from woman that was a virgin so im assuing if she waited that long to loose her vrgiity wouldnt she value or atleast keep the house sacred .. i have talked to many women and a women that has valued her virginity that long would not do a 180 to that extrent or extreme..its not in theor makeup otherwise they would of lost their virginity a long time ago especially in this scoiety nowadays !! it doesnt add up !!!! even coupes or cheaters that hate each other dont go that extreme level of betrayal with such a blatant disrespect for the Spouse let alone the one person who took their verginity away!!!

That is why i call this story BS its BS how esle can you explain it !!!!! it simply does not add up.. ALot of us who have been betrayed know how hard it is to see past it as a man. and to see how easily he did given he too was a virgin again seems fishy and i call BS . the speed at which they got into counceling also fishy, the level at which she demasculated him doesnt add up with her innocence, the fact he is okay living in that house c'mon good try we dont easliy get fooled..ANd the reason for still working with AP while still having feelings SMH - again BS then you come on TAM and talk about being completely honest as most of us know "trickeled truth ". his family encouraging him to work it out C'mom under any other circumstance yes but with this story this doesnt add up again !! and to top it off everything is about her her her again another obvious red flag it would be about him and oing everything possible to prove to him and i mean everything possible

Someone please tell me im wrong for assuming this !!!

I always use @Aftercaire as a template or gold standard of what is needed for any who has betrayed their spouse and what it means/takes to be affored a second chance . Anything less just wont work and am sure if she joined in the conversation she would call this story out like i have !! its a fabricated story simple BS or atleast we dont have the complete truth !!!


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## Livvie

How long will this thread keep spinning on without OP's input?


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## uwe.blab

truststone said:


> I looked at everything again and something seems off
> 1) she was a virgin before her husband and so was he --- this is the level of innocence we start with
> 2)she went from 1 partner to cheating - again not okay but this does happen
> 3) look at everything she did eg where she cheated ( the marital home/bed) , how she continued the affair , comparing d##k size
> - now remember this all came from woman that was a virgin so im assuing if she waited that long to loose her vrgiity wouldnt she value or atleast keep the house sacred .. i have talked to many women and a women that has valued her virginity that long would not do a 180 to that extrent or extreme..its not in theor makeup otherwise they would of lost their virginity a long time ago especially in this scoiety nowadays !! it doesnt add up !!!! even coupes or cheaters that hate each other dont go that extreme level of betrayal with such a blatant disrespect for the Spouse let alone the one person who took their verginity away!!!
> 
> That is why i call this story BS its BS how esle can you explain it !!!!! it simply does not add up.. ALot of us who have been betrayed know how hard it is to see past it as a man. and to see how easily he did given he too was a virgin again seems fishy and i call BS . the speed at which they got into counceling also fishy, the level at which she demasculated him doesnt add up with her innocence, the fact he is okay living in that house c'mon good try we dont easliy get fooled..ANd the reason for still working with AP while still having feelings SMH - again BS then you come on TAM and talk about being completely honest as most of us know "trickeled truth ". his family encouraging him to work it out C'mom under any other circumstance yes but with this story this doesnt add up again !! and to top it off everything is about her her her again another obvious red flag it would be about him and oing everything possible to prove to him and i mean everything possible
> 
> Someone please tell me im wrong for assuming this !!!
> 
> I always use @Aftercaire as a template or gold standard of what is needed for any who has betrayed their spouse and what it means/takes to be affored a second chance . Anything less just wont work and am sure if she joined in the conversation she would call this story out like i have !! its a fabricated story simple BS or atleast we dont have the complete truth !!!


You are wrong for assuming this. Your whole premise is irrelevant. Just because she had an affair absolutely does not mean she 'would have lost her virginity a long time ago'. Brain chemicals.


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## MattMatt

*Moderator Note:-*

This thread has been closed and the OP banned.


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