# Depression sucks.



## askquestions (Apr 20, 2011)

Some background:

Became sexually active when I was 13. Have been struggling with the term "rape" though I'm almost accepting that's what happened to me.

Been struggling with depression off and on since then. Amazingly, through the depression and trust issues, found my husband when I was just 15. He broke through my barriers, and we were married at 19.

Been married 9 years now, and have been very proud of our relationship. No marriage is perfect, but I think what we have is good. Two kids under 5, and we're each others best friend.

My husband is military and often has to go away for lengths of time. This last time was the longest - one year. Needless to say, any length of time away from each other is difficult, but this was especially so near the end. Sometimes we felt closer and stronger than ever, being forced to work on communication because of the lack of physical contact, but then came this girl.

They were just friends, which I wouldn't normally have a problem with. Problem was, they started spending ALL free time together. He never hid it, never lied about it, but it was obvious it was too much time. Especially when he admitted he could see himself developing feelings for her. Became an even bigger issue when he continued his friendship with her, although trying to spend "less time" with her. I refused to give him an ultimatum, this had to be on him.

Our relationship with each other never seemed to suffer in the sense that we were still keeping open communication, regular video chatting (and other video things) and verbal displays of affection. And now that he's home, our marriage has never seemed stronger. He's supportive, attentive, loving, a wonderful father, and has been meeting my needs sexually better than ever before.

Now my dilemma is whether I am unhappy with us because I am suffering from depression, or because I am not over this other girl. It's still something we're dealing with. He does not initiate any communication with her, but she still tries to email him regularly (he keeps me informed of all their communication). She's even planning on stopping by on the way to her next duty station to visit. She has no idea what kind of stress she's caused in our marriage, which is why she seems relentless.

I'm not really sure what to do. Although I feel like, the way things are going, I should be happier than ever with our marriage... I can't shake this feeling of insecurity. Part of me knows that when he tells me he loves me and is very happy with our marriage, has no feelings for anyone else, etc, I should believe him. Another part of me worries that he's going to suddenly decide he's unsatisfied, or else I'm going to drive him away with my insecurities.

I'm trying to sort through my normal feelings of depression and my negative feelings about our recent situation. I'm trying very hard to look at our situation objectively and figure out what a "normal" reaction should be.

Any thoughts?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Does your husband's base have any mental health facilities you can use? There is probably some programs for families of deployed troops. I would seek them out w/o discussing them with your husband. Is he NCO or commissioned? If he's commissioned it will be harder to navigate the system w/o seriously hurting his career so you may want to go outside the military system. And moreso if you bring up the adultery issue. Most officers in the US Armed forces who are severely reprimanded are charged for 'zipper failure'.

In either case I would get a determination on your mental health first and then deal with the other issues based on that.


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## askquestions (Apr 20, 2011)

We're new at this particular duty station, and I'm not sure yet what kind of help is offered here. I can say though, that I actually sought help at our last duty station shortly after he left. I went regularly for awhile, and I was told what I had was a mild depression and that I am actually a very positive person. Apparently, what is serious depression for me is considered minor for most other people, and I likely do not need any further professional help.

My husband is a JNCO, soon to be SNCO. I hadn't really considered the infidelity as something that would hurt his career as I barely consider it an infidelity myself, but I'm glad you brought that to my attention. It's definitely something I'll have to consider if I do decide to get professional help.

Regarding going to someone on my own, I actually discussed it with him a month or so ago. I told him I was considering going back to counseling so I could deal with some things and work through some emotions, that it had really helped before, and he actually became a bit upset. Apparently his concern was that I didn't feel comfortable just coming to him to discuss my issues, and that he was worried he wasn't providing me enough happiness, although I never once said the reason I wanted to go was to discuss anything having to do with him. I may address the issue again, but I need to think on it a bit more.


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