# Can your wife prefer a sex toy than being with you?



## Paul170337 (May 30, 2013)

I have concerns that my wife perfers her toy than being with me. Look i understand that everyone has there own private moments and i think that is healthy, but when it starts to impead on your relationship then i think it is a concern. 

I have been with my wife for about 12 years and our sexual relationship has been good, but is slowly getting less. I always thought this was normal as in relationships this happens especially with kids come along.

At the moment we have sex once or twice a month and i was comfortable with this, but about 6 months ago i found that my wife has a sex toy. Before i found the sex toy we would have sex around 4 to 5 times a months.

She didn't tell me about it and thats fine, and she doesn't know i know. Over the 6 months i have continued looking at where the toy is and its placement. It moves position alot so i gather when it moves that is when she is using it.

I would say over the six months she would be using it around 2 to 3 times a week. As said i understand that everyone has there private moments, but i am concerned she is preferring to use her toy than being with me. If this is the case i fear for our relationship in the furture. I love being intimate with her as i feel that is when we are really close.

She does has some self image problems, she has had depression in the past when kids come along and understand time factors especially with kids around. Would this have something to do with it? Maybe she feels more comfortable doing it on her own as no one will judge or it is easier for time or she doesn't have to live up to anything? I do not know, i am just guessing.

Some advice or other examples where this happened and how you have dealt with it would be good?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

There is no way a sex toy could ever replace sex! If anything, it's increasing her drive. A lot of women have toys. Some use them alone, while others don't. Suggest using a toy with your wife, maybe she'll tell you she already bought one or two.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Masturbation is normal and healthy. This might be a sign of a problem in your relationship but I would suggest it sounds like you aren't initiating sex as often as she could certainly handle. I would suggest some romancing is in order.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

My husband got a we bit of a shock when he found out I masturbate every day as well. I would love to do something with him a couple times a day but thought that might be asking a bit much. Now that he knows, he prefers to have the "first right of refusal" as he puts it....he usually shows up first thing in the mornin to see if I need any lovin to get my day started. You might want to have a talk with her about being willing to have sex a little more often if she would like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is this a vibrator I'm assuming? If it is - that is a different kind of stimulation than you can get from sex or manual stimulation. I don't know that I would be too concerned.


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## Paul170337 (May 30, 2013)

Thanks guys for your advice. Yes it is a vibrator.

I think all your responses are relevant and reassuring, but the problem i have is i don't want to embarrass her and bring it up.

As most men would say, size is always on the back of our minds. I didn't mention it in first post as its always a tough subject for men, but maybe this is also an issue? Probably not, but it plays on your mind when you find these things out.

Anyway as "mule kick" said, maybe i need to do more romancing and initiating

Thanks again for advice and comments. Much appreciated


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Toys can be fun and are often an easy way to get off, but they can't hold a candle to the intimacy that sexual relations with my husband provides. 

I have also noticed that when I am getting more action, alone or with my husband, I have a higher drive.

My husband and I have several toys that we like to use together. They have added a different kind of fun to our play time.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Are you interested at all in incorporating it into sex or perhaps you might want to watch her? Both of those may be options to get you more laid and not make her feel like she should be embarrassed or stop using it.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Get a sticky note, stick it to her vibrator. Write on it, "I have one, too... and it even squirts when you do!"

Okay... maybe not...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My SO and I love using her favorite bullet vibrator during sex... I'd also suggest incorporating it in your sex time. 

My bigger concern would be the lack of communication between the two of you with regards to your sex life.

C


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Do yourself a favor. Do a board search for one of the several threads where a wife is complaining that her husband is choosing porn and masturbation over her. There is a lot of advice in those threads for people like you, where your spouse is choosing to have a regular, frequent sex life with an outside source NOT you. I would not be quick to dismiss this as a non-issue, which is what most of the people will tell you.

I hate to say it but because it's a woman who has the problem, you're not likely to get taken very seriously or any real advice. But apply some of the advice on those threads where the husband is the one who is abandoning the wife, and just tailor it to your circumstance, and you might just break some ground.

Good luck brotha!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Paul170337 said:


> Thanks guys for your advice. Yes it is a vibrator.
> 
> I think all your responses are relevant and reassuring, but the problem i have is i don't want to embarrass her and bring it up.
> 
> ...


Well ... yes, I guess that can be disconcerting. Obviously the women here can answer that better than I can but I can relate. I never worried about my size ... never thought about it. I'd been told I'm a good size so I never had a concern that I wasn't enough ... until one day my girlfriend introduced me to her vibrating friend. Holy mother of god! I immediately felt inadequate, lol ... just a "wee bit" intimidated  So ... I figured, if you can't beat it then you might as well just join in the fun. She used her toy when she was by herself and we frequently used it together (awww yeah!!) ... but I had nothing to worry about, she still preferred me. 

Unfortunately, I married my next relationship ... and she has no interest in masturbation or toys. I've managed to convince her to try it at points in our marriage, even buying a toy ... but she'd try it once, say ... meh ... and it would never get used again. I only wish my wife was comfortable enough with her sexuality to explore it ... even just a "wee bit" 

So my point is .... enjoy!!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How old are you? Sex once or twice a month is a very low number.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Join her in her affair with the sex toy. There's nothing like a little playfulness in sex.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

richie33 said:


> How old are you? Sex once or twice a month is a very low number.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I would guess he's aware of that :scratchhead:

I don't think age has much to do with it. My wife is 42 and should be right in the middle of her peak period. We've had sex 3 times this year and 7 times in the last 5 years ... this is a good year  Can you spell 'marital problems' 

Hopefully OP can get this resolved. I'd suggest he joins in the fun.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

What are you scratching your head about? He stated he was comfortable with once or twice a month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Paul170337 said:


> Thanks guys for your advice. Yes it is a vibrator.
> 
> I think all your responses are relevant and reassuring, but the problem i have is i don't want to embarrass her and bring it up.
> 
> ...


Whatever you do, don't say that you have discovered the vibrator. Last thing you want is for her to get angry about you spying on her. However, if it is in a place where you could legitimately stumble upon it when looking for something else then I suppose you could bring up the subject that way. Personally I agree with those who have said you should just initiate sex more and see what happens.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is she perhaps not having O when you guys have sex? Have you asked or is this something you know first hand?

In the interest of full disclosure - I have not been having O during sex. Vibrator was the only way I was having it. Although I would not say I prefered it to being with my husband I was needing both to round out the experience.

You said she has suffered from depression, is she on AD? If so that may make it very difficult for her to have O and the vibrator may be the only way she can.

In any case 4-5x/month or 1-2x/ month - I would also not be happy with that amount and would feel resentful of the masturbation too. I missed the frequency issue the first time I read your post.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can her toy wrap it's arms around her? Can her toy tell her it loves her? Can her toy kiss her? Can her toy make her feel safe and loved? Can her toy make her laugh or comfort her when she is feeling down?

No toy, ever, no matter what, can ever take the place of a living breathing man in love.

I like all the suggestions here, especially eyuop's about leaving a sticky note....except I would suggest you try to incorporate her toy into your sex play.

I also think jaquen has a point with regard to her using the toy while the frequency of sex seems so low. How often do you approach her for sex and how often does she put you off? is she otherwise comfortable with physical intimacy as well as emotional intimacy with you? While women certainly aren't immune to intimacy problems that would facilitate a porn/masturbation issue, it is much less likely for women to evidence itself via this kind of issue.

I think you should try to increase the affection every day, and THEN increase the sex frequency while at the same time try to bring her toy out in the open.

Children have toys, adults have toys. Children have fun with toys, so should adults!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *MissScarlett said*: Is she perhaps not having O when you guys have sex? Have you asked or is this something you know first hand?


I am guessing too.....she must not be orgasming through intercourse or something... do you do Oral on her? The majority of women get off this way over intercourse... 

Me personally... I have never understood the allure women have with sex toys ....but I've always orgasmed easily through intercourse...I struggle more with oral ...

I never even bought one till I was 42.... visited "Adam & Eve" & started reading those reviews....... bought my 1st vibrator & dildo...when he was struggling to keep up with my sex drive... I didn't like the vibrator at all... and hardly used the other either... I prefer the man every single time...he told me to put them away.. music to my ears..as it just seemed "hollow" to me in comparison. 

How is the *emotional connection* outside of the bedroom? I would think this would lead to more intimacy IN the bedroom, her being more open to please you - knowing you desire more sex (if you do, I seen another mention you were good with 1-2 times a month... Really???)

If this is true and she feels that..I guess it makes sense she bought herself a sex toy! 



> *Paul170337 said:* *maybe i need to do more romancing and initiating*


 Yes.... DO this... make it fun... FLIRT... show your desire... Romance your woman...obviously she has a sex drive ! Take advantage of it... learn if she struggles to get off through intercourse...if so, you may have to bring those lovely toys in the bedroom, suggest it -- she doesn't have to know YOU KNOW... visit "Adam & Eve" together online... buy some things... Spice it up !


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I have found myself in ruts where I prefer my toys to my husband. Sometimes I'll fall into a sex toy routine and find myself not horny enough to want my husband. Luckily I've learned to notice the pattern and can stop it. But I only realized after my husband pointed out that we didn't have a lot of sex at one point. Masturbation is good, but once it affects your sex life, its not good 

You need to point it out to your wife so she lessens her amount of usage, thus wanting you more. 

Toys cant make love and be romantic, but they are quick and easy. The convenience is hard to pass up.


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## Paul170337 (May 30, 2013)

Hi Guys,

Again thanks for your advice. I guess from what was written I have some challenges on my hand.

The point was made about the frequency of our sex and me being ok with it. Well the issue is I always initiate sex and get knocked back sometimes. After a while you can only get so many rejections before you say, ok...I am ok with where we are at? It’s not good to get rejected!

The issue of the big O was brought up. Well this is something I have never thought about as I thought she was ok. She has never said anything and she seems to orgasm, but maybe an issue. The problem with this is how do I find out? I don't want to cause embarrassment or confrontation.

It’s hard to think that I don't satisfy her. That’s a blow for your ego, but maybe an issue if she is using it so much?

About letting her know I know about the vibrator is a delicate situation. She will think I am spying on her and again don't want to embarrass her.

The time factor and the convenience of it sounds possible. She is fairly busy with the kids!

I think from all the advice, they maybe a little of everything above. I guess I need to communicate with her better! It’s just how I go about this without? I don't want to make the situation worse.

Anyway, I will think about and keep everyone updated about it.

Again thanks for your advice, it has been great. I wish I found this site earlier

Also, she is 36 I am 44


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Paul, I really would have loved it if my husband just outright asked me if I was having O or if there was anything he wasn't doing that I would like him to do.

Even in his post Sex And The City world it is still very difficult for some of us ladies to bring up - especially if we do not want to hurt feelings and / or it embarrasses us to think we need extra services when it seems like every other woman is getting off just fine.

Being one of those women that needs extra - its not that I feel my husband is a bad lover or that I am unattracted to him. Poor, embarrassed communication. (both of us) on the subject led to a bad pattern and current situation. I don't blame him for not asking me outright - but man, it would have made things so much easier. Especially if he seemed willing to try new things or help me out.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

A couple of years ago, my wife went through the typical female mid-life hormonal shift, and she became sexually insatiable for about 6 to 7 months.

During this time, she discovered masturbation for the first time in her life. Before this time, she had a lot of hang-ups from her strict Catholic upbringing regarding masturbation, and between that and her low-normal desire, she really didn't have any motivation for self-pleasure.

So I went out and bought a vibrator, ostensibly for us to use together. She also confessed to using the tub faucet to get herself off. I travel for work, and a few times she told me that she had used the vibrator while I was away. We also use it together frequently, she usually will use it on her cl!t while we do PIV, which is great.

At first I wasn't sure what to make of this, and I was somewhat insecure about her using the bathtub or the vibrator instead of me. However, she told me that sometimes she just likes to have a quick orgasm or two (she can come with the tub faucet or the vibe in about 5-10 minutes) without all the muss and fuss of actual sex. She also told me that if she masturbates a couple of times a week, it increases her desire for me, and her ability to have orgasms either alone of together, which is a good thing IMHO.

She is still very private about maturbating in front of me. She will not let me in the bathroom when she is having a "private moment", but sometimes I can still hear her grunt or moan, which is a huge turn-on for me.

She will also not let me watch her go solo with the vibrator. She did tell me that she rarely uses it penetratively, that it is a bit too large for her unless she is really worked up and really wet. Recently she did let me watch her use it on herself while she was lying under the sheets, which was still pretty hot.

The net of the story is that I enjoy using the vibrator together, and if she wants to use it or the tub faucet without me, than that is her business. As long as she doesn't reject me in favor of masturbation, and masturbating increases her desire for me and her orgasmic potential, then I am all for it.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, I would guess he's aware of that :scratchhead:
> 
> I don't think age has much to do with it. My wife is 42 and should be right in the middle of her peak period. We've had sex 3 times this year and 7 times in the last 5 years ... this is a good year  Can you spell 'marital problems'
> 
> Hopefully OP can get this resolved. I'd suggest he joins in the fun.


:iagree:

I also don't think age has anything to do with it. My husband is 32, and I am 29. We haven't had sex yet this year. 
I have the opposite problem though. My husband would prefer to use toys on me, rather than himself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You said your sex life was good but would she agree? That's the answer you need; if she does prefer toys over you there's a reason for it. You need to find out what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think it's possible you're on to something with your comment about her self esteem. If she's unsecure about how she looks she's going to be more comfortable about being with a vibrator than a human being who could potentially judge her.

Try finding ways to reassure her about her looks and if things are that bad do things together (eating healthy...exercise) to help make her feel better about herself. Approach it in a way that it's something you want to do as a couple to both get healthier for the long haul.


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

Its been a while since I have responded on TAM, I love this site, just too much work. Paul, you have some severe issues on your hand. Its your responsibility to make sure your wife Os and that she's satisfied. She probably turned you down, because you do the same thing, missionary, or you suck, sorry. This happened to me, so learn from my mistakes. First, go and get her a rabbit, silicone, my wife loves it, then offer to use it in a session, don't reveal that you know about hers. You should probably leave kids with in-laws and time it so its a week after her period, when they tend to be horniest. Cook her dinner or take her out, get some whine and tell her that you want to experiment with her, rough it up, oil, toys, anal, bdsm, anything that you don't do. You will be surprised what she will open up to and then show her the rabbit. Then ask if she can tell you when she uses it, this will determine her frequency and her trust in you. Now lets talk about oral, my wife loves it, there's nothing like it, not penetration, toys ect, according to her. If you want your wife to want you or your tongue, you need to learn and do it, she will drop the rabbit to a distant second. Then work with these options and grow sexually, read books, web, you have to make it engaging and exciting for her, not just get your rocks off. Another thing that helps is getting your wife to sleep naked, this will lead to a-lot more sex. Also masturbating with her, erotic and they love that..I am 39 and she is 34, we have 3 kids, 3,5 and 6, all boys and we are having crazy sex average 15-20 times a month, sometimes more. our kids kills us, we use sex to deal with life...get a ratting system for her Os and ask after each session, go to work and good luck...


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

Paul170337 said:


> Hi Guys,
> 
> Again thanks for your advice. I guess from what was written I have some challenges on my hand.
> 
> ...


I bolded the above... You need to let go of this mentality and TALK TO HER. Sit down with her, gently tell her you found it, and discuss it with her. 

I don't see how being open and honest with your spouse can make a situation like this 'worse', but continuing to spy on her _definitely_ could if she catches you doing it. 

It's a hard first step, but nothing is going to happen/change if you don't start communicating with each other.


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## Paul170337 (May 30, 2013)

Again thanks for the advice.

I have really thought about what everyone has said. I am going to take the plunge and have a chat to her about all this. Its a difficult conversation and never really had one like this with her before.

I just need to know how to start this, what to say, when to do it, etc etc?

I will try and do it over the weekend at the right moment. Not sure what i am going to get and nervous about it, but right move i think. I will let you know how i go.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Needy_Wife said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I also don't think age has anything to do with it. My husband is 32, and I am 29. We haven't had sex yet this year.
> I have the opposite problem though. My husband would prefer to use toys on me, rather than himself.


Something is wrong then.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Something is wrong then.


:iagree:

His rocks need checked, or somethin'...


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## CreekWalker (May 31, 2013)

richie33 said:


> How old are you? Sex once or twice a month is a very low number.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can I ask....what IS normal? Seriously? I feel like once every two weeks is high in my marriage. If I don't push for it I'm lucky once every month or less. I'm 36 and he is 42. I could go for it much much much much more.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your husband must be LD. I am 40 and my wife is 34 and the past year we average around 3 times a week.
You should be honest with your husband and tell him your unhappy with the amount of sex your having. 
He may think its acceptable but clearly you do not. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

CreekWalker said:


> Can I ask....what IS normal? Seriously? I feel like once every two weeks is high in my marriage. If I don't push for it I'm lucky once every month or less. I'm 36 and he is 42. I could go for it much much much much more.


Nobody can define "normal" for your marriage. Sex should be done at a frequency that is at least moderately satisfying for both parties. For some that is sex daily and others sex rarely, depending on the drives, and desires, of the couple.

What is "average" is 2-3 times per week for married people younger than the geriatric years.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Dude you from Melbourne!!!! Ozzies are the randiest people around...well after africans, brazilians, indians, and the japanese lol


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I missed this thread, so my input may be a little late. For what it's worth, yes women can prefer a toy to their husband. I don't know about permanently but the toy is an easy thing to get addicted to for many reasons...such as:

- The toy can probably get her off faster than you can, since it does things a human cannot
- If she has trouble orgasming with you, or cannot orgasm with you at all, the toy will be an easy way out when she is in the mood...less chance of frustration
- the toy will not look at her or care what she looks like or what she is doing to get off, no need for her to feel the need to prep herself for sex or worry about what another person thinks
- the whole process from start to finish can be done in under five minutes, vs a lot more time and involvement for real sex
- she doesn't have to please the toy or worry about how what she's doing feels for the toy, it can be all about her pleasure, a chance to be selfish without any guilt involved

Those are just a few that come to mind, take your pick of what might apply to your situation. The hardest part is that your body can become accustomed to getting off with the vibrations to the point that it becomes more difficult to get there with a real human being. So it can be a vicious cycle.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about...you are both consenting adults in a sexual relationship. You should be able to talk freely about sex and what you like/dislike. No surprise she masturbates....most adults do.

Hope the talk goes well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paul170337 (May 30, 2013)

Well, had the chat on the weekend. It didn't go all that well! One thing lead to another and we ended up arguing. She wasn't happy that i was spying on her even after i indicated i wasn't. 

Anyway, she indicated, not directly, that she doesn't orgasm with me! Wow.....so many years not knowing! Can't really believe that she doesn't. Thought sex was good!!! Its not great for the ego!! Especially being a man! Not sure if she wasn't saying this as she was mad or.....??? 

She indicated that her friend got it for her after there conversations. She said, she would never have got one herself, too shy. Might change now......?

We haven't really chatted much since so i guess i let things simmer down and see how i go from there, but really not sure where to go as my ego and confidence is shot?

Anyway, one thing about this site is how accrute people are. Great site for advice!! 

Not sure if people want to know happenings from here so thanks for the advice and really appreciate peoples feedback.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But you WERE spying on her...

Anyway, you have some choices to make now. Yes, you can chose to get your knickers in a twist about her not having orgasms with you and not telling you. But that's history, and you can't change that now. Your better choice (in my opinion) is to take this knowledge and endeavour to change your future. Work with her to help her orgasm with you. Find out what gets her going, what's been missing, what she needs. I think most people would prefer to have a vibrant and fulfilling sex life rather than masturbating by themselves.

C


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## caram3113 (Nov 21, 2012)

Oh wow; sorry you guys had to argue to get to the heart of the matter. The good news, though, is that you know. And the better news is that she can have orgasms, she just doesn't have them via the sex you were having. 

Why is that good news? Because it means you can try to learn how she can have an orgasm -- with you -- during the sex you have together. I'm not saying it will be easy, and you definitely can't go back to the kind of sex you were having earlier, but look at it as a fun, sexy journey the two of you can take together! 


Don't get caught up in your ego; likely she was just not telling you about not orgasming because she was trying to spare your feelings and avoid you doing just this. Believe me, none of us want to have that talk, no matter what sex we are. 

The vibe isn't a replacement; it's a tool (and a very nice one at that). It's convenient, and she can make it work for her pleasure. So can you! like PBear said, endeavour to change your future!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm interested in updates if you are willing to give them. I'm actually in the same situation, but am the wife in my scenario. Because I never felt I could tell my husband I wasn't getting off its now 18 years down the road and he is just now learning how to do it.

Some of us ladies need a lot of clitoral stimulation - perhaps more than we feel comfortable asking for from someone else. 

My husband spent 2 months not wanting to have sex after our conversation but is now coming around and trying some new things. 

Oral, manual or vibrator - that is what it comes down to. 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I'm glad she told you, though. Cant fix a problem you don't know is there. 

Why is sex so hard to talk about!? It shouldn't be so hard. (That's what she said.)


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