# The Ex's Family - A lesson and a warning



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I wanted to share something that I've found to be true. 

I was the betrayed spouse, xw was a horrible person who did a horrible thing and ran out. Her family all swooned over me and told me how much they love me, how much they hated everything she had done, how angry they were, etc etc 

A good (experienced) friend told me that this would not last and to not get to cozy with them. I did anyway.

Well, that friend was soooo right. They've all turned on me for no reason. Nothing has changed, just all the sudden I'm dead to them. I even got a nasty letter in the mail from one. 

That's all. Just wanted to mention that the warning was right and people are fickle.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yeah, sadly learning this, too. No nasty letters, but just kind of faded away as if I never existed. I heard 'You'll always be my daughter' from my in-laws in August, but by Christmas, they signed their card with their first and last names as if they didn't want me to call them Mom and Dad anymore. One SiL didn't even send a card (and wouldn't have last year if I didn't send one first). Surprisingly, I still hear from the other SiL, but I don't know how long that will go on. They've totally bought into the OW (we're not divorced yet). 

Blood is thicker than water. And I'd add, don't believe when your spouse says he's detached from his family. When he needs the support, he runs home. And gets that support.

Look out for yourself.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Sorry to hear you found out the hard way.

I cut ties with mine back in August.

Nothing provoked by them.

Felt it was needed.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I'll keep this in mind. My ex's parents were the same towards me.

We have less contact as expected, but, I'll be ready for the turn.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I distanced myself before they did me. There were so many lies, even that I physically abused my ex. Some of her fam believed it but at that point I had already severed ties with them.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

blood's thicker than ink on marriage certificate 
yes i've been through the same. i do the 180 first and they step back instantly.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Yes I got tears on the phone from his mother 'oh I can't lose you and D'

She's not phoned me once in nearly a year - any contact that has been made has been made by me because I feel bad. But apparently it's my responsibility to ensure the contact is maintained with someone she was a grandmother to for 13 years. Like mother like son I guess


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I really and truly loved my in laws they were great but the distance is now there... But I guess it goes both ways ...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I had moved the ex's mother into our marital home three times in the thirteen years we lived there. Various reasons that called for our help. However there was always sort of a veil between us despite the civility and laughs.
I had hoped she would be a positive influence on her daughter, and someone besides myself would encourage more focus on the marriage and less on spending and destroying the future..but she wasnt, and didnt, and had nothing to ever say...

Her brother was a stand up guy, and at one point mentioned that he wouldnt be able to stay married to a woman that was fooling around with someone else, while we were talking about his sister (my ex) and her going out.... 
The last birthday party I went to for my kid, the ex was there and her brother and his two kids, and they ran up to me and gave me hugs and all. I will truly miss being in those kids lives like it was. There really is no cause to be in much contact with them, I wouldnt know what to say.. but they are the type of people to not care, and would likely accept me on close friend/family levels still..

I guess theres no hard set rule to what to expect from the ex-inlaws. Satya got money.. Im jealous..


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I’m going through this also, My SIL and I was especially close, were the same age, a lot in common. She had been cheated on also and had mentioned to me several times how much she loved and admired me and knew how much I had to put up with and that if I ever left him we would still be sisters. When she found out that I asked him for a divorce and his OW (again) she was very supportive, but once I actually filed, I was the bad person, I’m greedy and I’m lying. Even though he moved right in with the OW she said "but he's living in the basement" really? My BIL was much more honest about it, called me up and said as much as we love you and you have been a part of our lives for 35 years, blood is still thicker than water. We will not be contacting you but still respect you as the mother of our nephews. Too bad they don’t know what he did to their own son.......


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

drc2 -- Did you ever talk to that nephew again about that incident? If his parents never knew, that means (unless he went on his own as an adult) he never received counseling. If I were you, knowing what I've known all these years, and learning what I'm learning now about your ex's personality, I'd have a hard time just putting that incident in the past. Maybe it's time they *did* find out what he did to their son. They have a *right* to know. God forbid someone molested my son, and I later found out people knew and didn't tell me, and that my child had to have repeated contact with that molester at family gatherings or whatever....wow, I can't even put into words how I'd feel. Seriously, I'd probably be in jail for what I'd do. 
You no longer have to worry about getting along with them, but you have a chance to do the right thing. At least think about contacting the nephew and see if he's ever told his parents (I'm guessing not), or ever received any counseling. If not, urge him to do both. If word gets back to your ex-in-laws somehow, who cares?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I didn't think that I had anything I could add to this thread but actually reflecting on stuff I do. I think I block crap out of my memory on purpose....

When xH cheated on me in 2007 and was living with OW, I had to go up to get my dogs from the ILs. I can't remember why they were watching them but I was done with my ex at that point and didn't want to deal with him. Thats why I drove the 3hr drive to get my dogs. 

Anyways, upon arriving and talking to the IL's I just couldn't stand it. I confronted them balling my eyes out. 

"Did you not give enough attention to xH?"
"Has he always had a history of needing attention?"
"Do you feel your cheating caused him to act this way"

I mean I was just grilling them left and right, balling my eyes out. I think we were all up until about 3am discussing things. After I got all my feelings out, I felt better and figured they could understand all the pain I was going through.

Fast forward to this year. I decide to leave xH due to an EA I discovered. I even emailed his parents to tell them the reason I was divorcing was their son was attempting to court other women again and I wasn't going to stand for it. I figured with our "heart to heart" years ago they would understand he is a serial cheater.

Well I was so wrong about that. His dad actually married my x and his new bride this past December (oh yes, the ILs are Pastors!) Welcomed both of them to their house for the holidays with open arms. All the while, they knowing he was not divorced from me yet before getting engaged. 

Talked about a f*cked up family!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Same situation here. STBXW comes from a financially well-to-do family, who really came to love me, or so I perceive. I came to love them as much as I did my own Mom and Dad, and my own brothers.

STBXW gave me an almost 90 day notice of a "trial separation" into which I was moved out of the family home and into a rental property in a city that is in an adjoining county. She only requested that I say nothing to her family as she led me to believe that the "separation" was largely done to get us to begin working things out between us.

Six months later, STBXW leaves a copy of her filed petition for divorce at my new premises leaving it with my sons. My attorney advised me to go through our cell phone records for two years prior to see if I spotted any evidence of possible infidelity. She further recommended a "no-contact" policy with STBXW's family until the finalization of the D.

Long story short, she wasn't seeing just one man from her past, but two~ in different parts of the state. And her EA's/PA's with them had gone on even while I was domiciled there at the house with her as husband and wife, oblivious to her other travelling "carnal-val" activities with them, all while still having married sex with me and the whole nine yards. And her activities are, as far as I know, still ongoing with one of her OM, even to this date. To my knowledge, she still has no idea that I even have a clue about any of her sordid activities.

While I have assembled quite a compendium of her cell phone calling, texting, and travel timelines that are firmly convicting of her adulterous activity, as soon as the D is finalized I planned on sending her brother, sister, and a couple of mutual friends nice copies of it so that they could see for themselves exactly where the marriage's downfall occurred, what was going on at the various points in time, and who was primarily responsible for it!

Not meaning to threadjack, but do I continue with this plan or do you think that I'm just deluding myself and spinning my wheels?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Depends, arb -- what are you hoping this will accomplish? If they believe you (and we've heard stories of families standing by cheaters with the most overwhelming of evidence), it won't mean they will stay _your_ family. It may make them mad and disgusted at her, but it won't last forever. You'll know your truth is out there, which might have its own benefit, separate from anything else. I didn't tell anyone in NearlyEx's family my side of what was going on, and now I never can. Sometimes, I kind of regret that. He has been talking to them and giving them his spin since. But truth be told, they know he's had issues for years -- longer than I've known. But it hasn't stopped them from circling the wagons. I'm learning my lesson, keeping things cordial for DS' sake, and moving on.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> drc2 -- Did you ever talk to that nephew again about that incident? If his parents never knew, that means (unless he went on his own as an adult) he never received counseling. If I were you, knowing what I've known all these years, and learning what I'm learning now about your ex's personality, I'd have a hard time just putting that incident in the past.


I think that’s why I brought the subject up originally on my message board, it can’t help but spring up in my mind, especially now that Im not going to be around him to make sure he doesn’t have any one on one time with young boys. Its not that I ever even thought he would but you can’t help but keep an eye out. As for the nephew I never spoke about it again with him, he did make a joke to me about it, he and my stbx met up a couple years ago in a nearby state were the nephew was in a police training facility for training his dog to find drugs (I was to meet them the next day) and they stayed overnight in the nephews hotel room. When I asked if they had a good night the nephew said yes but he slept with his gun under his pillow just in case and winked at me. Keep in mind he is 50 now and his parents are in their 80s (there is a 26 year difference with my husband and his brother). Like I said before I have considered telling them, I just can’t do it during a divorce and I would want to make sure I really needed to. It does kill me though that the "blood" that is thicker then my 35 year relationship with them, hurt their son.......


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I think that my primary objective in doing this is to:


Where the proper blame should be pinpointed.
To convey independent substantiated facts from 3rd party documentation.
To dispel any lies or falsehoods that STBXW may have maliciously spread against me in her defense.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I understand how tough it is, thinking about the elderly parents. But chances are good that your ex didn't just molest his nephew. 

He needs to find his way onto a sex offender registry. If your nephew is a cop, he should know all this, too. It's not something to joke about. But if the nephew isn't going to follow through for the sake of other possible victims, I don't know what else you can do.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Arb -- If that's all you want to do, and not to actually change anyone's treatment of, or feelings towards, your STBXW, then I guess you should go for it.


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