# A constant battle...



## md3d (Jan 9, 2012)

Hi all, I came here to look for advice/opinions on my marriage and what it has become. Hopefully you guys/girls can lend me some insight.

To start I am 29 have a great career and a wonderful child(3).

I recently decided I have had enough. After 3 years of constant berating and arguing and telling me im a person with issues and our marriage has problems because of me. The problem is we dont see eye to eye on this as I feel she has major anger issues and as confirmed by her doctor has bouts of manic depression which he put her on medication but refuses to take it at all. She says i dont do enough around the house and I dont spend time with her, to which I dont see how thats possible. I work a very demanding job which i am staying late quite often to meet deadlines. Every day i come home at around 730 to a house that is messy and my wife sitting on the computer on facebook or talking on the phone, not to mention she has a $150 a month pot habit and refuses to ackknowledge she has a problem which bothers me alot. I help out around the house as much as i can when im home doing all the laundry vaccumming mopping dusting cleaning the the bathrooms you name it, as well as trying to spend as much time with my daughter as possible on the weekends/weeknights.By nature she is a messy person and leaves clothes everywhere all over the house doesnt put anything back after shes used it but the minute i leave a glass on the table and forget to put it in the sink she berates me for 15 minutes on how im lazy and how shes very much perfect and any man would kill to have her. At this point i tune out when it starts as i cant say anything to her during this or she will tell me to shut up. She comes from a very unstable home and has no real contact with her family and me being italian is very much connected with my family who she cant stand for some reason and calls them phonies and says they dont like her because shes a strong woman and doesnt take **** from no one. The reason they dont like her which i have talked to my family about is that they feel she is controlling and verbally abusive. I guess I have put up with it because of my daughter who is the best thing to ever happen to me but im not sure I can do it any longer, she has no current job and refuses to even get a p/t job on the weekend to help save money and pay down debt but wants to do a free internship and have a nanny take care of our child the 3 days which she goes for the internship per week. I initially agreed to this only if she got a paying job on the weekend as my salary cannot afford to pay for a nanny and all the bills. She has had 3 p/t jobs and quit every one citing various excuses ie:my boss is a ***** or i dont like my cooworkers etc yet still wants to continue this unpaid internship while i pay for everything, then has the gal to say I dont do enough for her and threatens to leave all the time saying shes knows her own worth and there is a million guys who would want her.

We've had many issues over her verbal abuse and i have started to speak up more and have told her several times not to yell at me in front of our child but its as if she doesnt care and when she has something that angers her like me putting saran wrap on a bowl instead of putting the leftovers in a tupperware which turns out to be a 30 minute fit of her swearing and raising her voice to me about why it cant be in a bowl and how i got through life thinking i could do things the easy way. I recently started to just walk out of the room when she starts and tell her when you can talk to me politely and not call me names and curse in front of our child ill be ready to sort out your issue, but it only makes her more mad and she chases me wherever i go to yell at me and gets so angry to the point where she starts to get tears in her eyes. This kind of behavior is hard to accept and i dont want to subject my daughter to this anymore yet i feel so trapped because she has no financial help besides me and threatens to leave and take my daughter away and have me deal with lawyers directly. Im not sure what to do, however my family is behind me 100% with all my choicesand has always said they would be there to help me yet I struggle with this choice and remain unhappy in my marriage.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H and I fought about similar things for a long time, too. What saved my sanity, and indirectly the marriage, was doing Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. We read a section in the book and then write each other's answers.

It wasnt a quick or easy fix by any means. We still have yet to get through the entire book (three years later). I also had an explosive temper and I thought everything was my H's fault so I didnt take it well when he voiced some of his resentments. But the book is the ideal place to voice each other's resentments. It's constructive and gives you both direction. The advice is incredibly practical and will help you in all areas of your life. I would recommend it over counseling any day.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

Bottom line...you married a loser and ensured that you will be connected with her for life by having a child with her. I know if my wife were a stay at home mom that I would have pretty high expectations but, then again, these are things I kept in mind when selecting a partner. At the time I met my wife, I had just started reconnected with a woman I briefly dated 16 months earlier who I really liked but dumped in favor of another woman. Although this woman I reconnected with was really cute, was petite and slim, was educated, had a very pleasant personality and was 10 years my junior, she also smoked pot frequently--medical marijuana of multiple different strains and even had a $500 vaporizer--and she quit a career in television (behind the scenes) for a lower stress job as a personal assistant to a wealthy family. 

Instead, both the first time (ex girlfriend of 15 months between marriages) and the second time (my wife), I chose women who were both more career driven and who were OCD about cleanliness around the house. While I may have gotten along well with the twice passed over woman, and I was certainly attracted to her (at 28, she could pass for 21 and that is a huge turn on to a then 37 yr old guy), ultimately, I opted for women who I thought would make better life partners, although compared to many women, with her college degree, her own place that was clean (but not OCD clean) and aspiration to return to graduate school, the passed over woman was still a better option than many out there but I saw the red flags and went another direction each time.

In your case, nothing you can do about the past but it is doubtful she will ever get it together so you may be better off divorcing ASAP. I know in my home state that if you're married to a woman for ten years, that you could be looking at alimony for life if she was the one staying home and raising the child. Otherwise, however, alimony is only for half the time you were married...I had to pay 3 years alimony despite my wife being a small business owner with a great income but I was happy to do it to be rid of her and have the opportunity to start fresh again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

As I have written elsewhere on other similar threads you have to learn to over shout her. You even have to start the yelling, and make sure you dont stop till she 'feels' it.
There must be things she 'agrees' she does wrong. Write them down and have them ready at hand. She will soon learn to stop. Why do you let her 'smoke'. I have this question to many others here. How is it she started and you did nothing about it except giving her money to use for it.


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## md3d (Jan 9, 2012)

Thank you guys/girls it was very helpful to read your experiences especially yours "SecondTimesTheCharm". I have been thinking alot these past days and after seeing your comment and my families I have decided to go through with a Divorce. It was very hard for me to come to this but I just want to be happy and my daughter to be happy which I feel cant be accomplished with my current wife. As for her I really hope she can get her act together for our childs sake.

Thank you all 

M


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