# Financial incapable wife



## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Hello,

I need some advice regarding my wife who is driving me financially insane and I can't find any solution to her behaviour hence the reason posting here. It will be a long read so thank you in advance for taking your time. I try to keep it as neutral as possible and I want your honest opinion. I cannot talk to anyone in my social circle about that but I need to get all this of my chest and get an outside perspective.

It all started when I met her but I wasn't aware of the issue because I was in love and didn't worry too much about it. I inherited a large amount of money (50k) from my grandparents and was studying back then, her as well. We both wanted a child when we were still young so I decided that we could use this money until we both were in jobs and could cope without additional cash. We started out in my student flat. It was quite small but we were really happy so that worked out well. However back then I was not aware that my wife was already lying to me left right and centre about her financial situation. She had 27k student debt with the government and about 12k with privat loan companies that she made during her uni time (she was working crazy hours on the side but still had these massive debts). 

Went on expensive holidays though during uni. Apart from the student finance debt I was not aware of this. After about a year in our relationship she told me that she got a last warning for one of her debts. I think it was £800 and I offered to pay it because it was clear to me that it is the love of my life (which she btw is and I am really happy with her apart from the money issue). She said that she is so sorry about it but still held back about her full situation. This repeated itself about another two times and I always paid (including a court counter judgment). After about two years later 70% of the money was gone as expected which was totally fine because we decided to use it for our child. But I already saw a storm coming so we started arguing about money. Anothe big issue was that I needed a job straight away coming out of uni out of obvious reasons so I started looking for one in advance. 

I found a really good position with good perspectives and started the job. We had to move away for the job (about 500km) from her parents. But we made the move and I did not have a choice really, I needed a job to provide for my family. My wife hated being away from her family so far and she hated my job because it was the reason for the move but we made that decision together. I promised her when I was still a student that I would look for a job near her parents but it just did not work out so I had to take the other one. This was the reason for more and more arguments. First I got support from her family but this turned quite quickly into pressure. I blocked it all off and started more and more disliking her side of the family because of that. 

We wanted to get married so my wife started organising everything. It was a great wedding but here the financial issues really started for US. Back then I was already working, with my wife to be staying at home with our son in our one bed flat (we moved in the meantime). She would not stop spending on the wedding and after the money was gone the wedding still was not paid off. I started to get mad about it. Not because of the fact that the money was gone but how she handled it. We agreed on that she could stay at home with our son but after the first year has passed the did not look for a job and after the second year neither. Her parents got more and more involved about our financial problems and I was pressured a lot to stop always bringing money up and that I would ruin our relationship. Her parents are a typical low class family. 

Big family, no savings, no drive in live, relying on the government, unemployed most of the time, debts, father used to be a gambler but always telling me what they have achieved in life because they have a big family where love is the most important thing and in complete denial about all of that. My wife is different than that with her whole attitude to life but financially very similar to her father. I was in a good job but did not make so much to clear 4k of residual wedding costs. We had to borrow money from my father, 5k. I told my wife that this cannot continue like that and that she financially has to contribute to our household. Her parents told me that I have to earn more so their daughter can stay at home (crazy!!) 

She said she could not leave our son alone so she set up a childminding business where she would look after other kids at our home. We had to move in a bigger place in which we are living now because the old place would have been too small. Fair enough I said and we moved. A few months later she started with some kids and contributed about 1.2k per month. It helped but due to her whole financial attitude we were still struggling. We could not pay the rent once and a bigger car repair so we borrowed another 2.5k from my father. My father said that it cannot continue like that and that something has to happen with her spending and that she has to get in a proper job making decent money so we can cope. My parents are wealthy but not rich and they do not need the money back urgently but they want us to stand on our own feet. 

My wife knows that and therefore feels no need to pay them back. We split accounts in the meantime. She once borrowed money from her father £150 which I had to pay back so urgently. my father wanted us to postpone the wedding because he was seriously worried about our financial future. She flipped, got very very upset about it and we had the biggest row ever and she wanted to leave me. Anyway, we got married and now we are here with basically 42k debt and my wife and her parents are still in complete denial. We made an agreement that I pay our fixed costs and she has to sort out the food from her wage. I make enough now so I can put 0.5k aside every month but she cannot cope at all. She continues to ask me for cash which I refuse because I know she just spends it on crap that we don't need. She has no sense of how to save money. I had to give her £650 last month because she could not even buy food for her kids!! 

She tells me I don't help her out though. In the Meantime she managed to link my card to paypal booking money off behind my back giving it to her family. I had to block my cards and now I am at a point where I have to hide my cards from her. By the end of the year I want at least have paid my father back. But she does everything to prevent that. We split accounts a few months ago and I keep telling her that she lives over her means. She refuses to accept that. Two weeks ago she told me that she will financially struggle this month because of school holidays and her not getting paid. I told her that she knew this and that she should have planned in advance. Result, big argument. You know what she did the week after. She went to the see side with her parents on a camping trip costing £300 and yesterday she went for a day out costing another £60. 

I told her that as long as she has these habits she does not need to expect any additional financial help from me. You have to understand, it is not that I spend my money on myself. Every pound that I have spare goes in a savings account. I cannot remember the last purchase over £40 that I made. I once asked her if she could imagine that sometimes I would like to buy something for myself. She goes out about 3-4 times a week to a friend or to wherever. I told her to stop that but she says she needs the time off. I would like that too but she replies that I get my time off at work (she knows I love my job and that I made my hobby my job but at the end of the day it is a job and it can be exhausting no matter how much I love it.) Anyway, her time out costs us money, my "time out" brings money in.

When I gave her £650 last month she promised me she would give it back to me. I never saw the money again. Pushed my savings for the debt clearance back in a blink of an eye! She does not care. I am not giving her any money anymore until she changes. We have split accounts now so I do not know what is going on with her finances but it will go down hill, I already see that coming. She is already making debt with her side of the family and at least she is paying them back. She has three kids that she looks after so she must make about 1.2k a month, I dont know. She has no business acumen (she studied business management), she does not put money aside for tax payments, she does not have proper accounts that would give her an overview, as soon as she gets paid she spends the full amount. It is alien to me what is going on in her head financially. 

Another big thing was an investment that I could have made. My company basically gave me £2.5k in shares which I had to pay in advance and then get the money back but I could not make because I was missing £300 in my account to make the advance payment. I told her that not only does she waste our money, she even prevents us from getting money for free. She does not care. But she plays the lottery of course and goes to bingo.

She started to pay £100 back every month for her debts but she is not adjusting her spending to her income. She has no financial responsibility and still cannot cope. I provide the house that she needs for her childminding, I pay the gas/electric/phone bills, I pay council tax and I give her the car my father gave me as a graduation present so she can drive the kids around. The only responsibilities she has is that she has to make sure there is food on the table and that the car is running (fuel, maintenance etc.). She cannot even do that. I tell her that paying a debt back does not do anything if you make another one. She does not get it. I am sorry to say that so drastically but I think my wife is financially stupid.

I really need advice urgently!!

Thank you
Matthew


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Cut your losses!


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Well, that is not really an option. She keeps telling me how miserable I am towards life. Just told me that she will go to Cuba with her side of the family who btw have no money either but it is all hush hush. I asked her from what money to which she replied to that I do not need to worry about that and that I should stop talking to her so respectless. I said that in our situation I will definitely not go on a Cuba holiday and told her that if she is planning to go that this is much more respectless than what I said. She called me a big baby then who can't handle life.she emphasized that she has no.debts refering to her £100 monthly installment. I asked her how long she is planning to carry these debts with her to which she did not know an answer. I asked her if she can imagine that I might want to go to cuba as well? Was more of a rhetoric question. I left the house then...it is all so crazy and I cant seem to control her and bring her back to reality.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

CUT HER OFF, not a single cent more to her. Stop being so nice to her until she gets it you mean business.

Good luck

S1


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This doesn't sound good and sounds like a frustrating life. I have no good advice (positive). Unfortunately, my advice would be to not have any more children with her, and to consider ending this marriage. It does not sound like it will ever be pleasant. Sorry.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Yes, I will not give her anything anymore. I do not even know why I reacted to her cuba bs. I know she cannot afford it but on the other hand she would definitely make debt for a thing like that because "life is for living". I have seen it a couple of times that in her family consumption debt is something completely normal and I am the weirdo for not having this attitude (I was laughed at that when I told them my overdraft allowance is fir absolute emergencies and not for daily expenses). I want to start saving as soon as we are in a better situation. I know what she means when she calls me miserable but I am not, I just have different priorities. And at this point it is getting out of debt. What infuriates me is that I am obviously the saver and she is the spender but what I see coming is that in five years she still has her debts (obviously, to clear 7k with £100 a month will take about 6 years) and I have a big junk saved and she wants a piece of the cake. And that is probably what will happen because my career prospects are quite good whereas hers are quite poor. I would not have a problem with that at all but her attitude stinks. I do not expect her to save loads, she clearly can't solely from her income but I want her to cope with what she has. Then I would be happy but she cannot even buy the essentials for her kids!! But you would not believe how much crap she buys at the car boot sale. I started to bring stuff up the loft because it is getting to much and the garden and play room is full again. The other day I cleared the garden shed and got our buggy set out. This was a present of my parents (travel cot, buggy, car seat, etc) ant cost I think £700. Her father sat there and commented that I had to get a tip for all that stuff. I was like wtf?!?! Sprayed down everything and it looked like new. I ended up throwing away nothing, just cleaning stuff. This is what I have to deal with here. Really alien to me. I am really not judgemental towards people with not a lot of money but what I see in this family is just crazy and my wife would rather side with her father instead of saying, listen dad you have achieved nothing in live financially with your 55 years of age, you are in debt, you hardly have any cash, you constantly ask other people for money or they pay for things for you, just spare me your "wisdom". But she constantly runs to him when I am "mean to her". Today was a prime example. I did not talk to her about money for two weeks and evrrything was good, we were happy, has good times etc. Today I dared to ask how her financial situation is and this ended in her storming off, going to the carboot sale, buying ****, and it ended in planning a cuba holiday. Always the same...not bringing money up happy life, talking about money, arguments.

Like I said, I do not want to end it because at the end of the day I love her and we also have good times as a family. It is just the money thing. I told her plenty of times, lets just get our ducks in a row for one year and then all is good but she fights that with all her heart. She even throws a strop if I say, no let's not have a takeaway/eat out because we did that this week already.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Matthew L said:


> Always the same...not bringing money up happy life, talking about money, arguments.


This will never change. If you want to keep your marriage, you will have to control the finances tightly. All action, no talk, no options.

Her parents have taught her that irresponsibility with money is "ok"....somebody always bailed their assas out, and now, she expects you to clean up the mess. She is entitled to stay home and have you pick up the tab. She is asserting her "right" to spend as she wants because "it's OUR money" but YOUR bills and YOUR job.....


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your wife has learned bad money habits from her grifting family. 

In order for you to have any control over the money and bills, you need to be in control. You need to open new accounts in just your name. Call your credit cards and take her off all of them. Get your credit freeze or a credit watch company to monitor your credit, in case she tries to open accounts. Get a safe deposit box and deposit all of your important documents in it, including all credit cards.

You have to now start paying all the bills. You cant trust her with this or your credit will be ruined. 

Dont give her any cash. Buy all food and things for the kid.

If this is creating more problems and her family is interfering....maybe its time to go your seperate ways.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

I think there is a little bit of a misunderstanding. My wife is earning some money and we had an agreement that I pay for the rent, gas, electric, tax etc and put some money aside for the debts and she pays for food and petrol because this is what she needs for her childminding. The issue is that she cannot even cope with that responsibility without any financial help because she has never learnt to live by her means. 
E.g. the trip to the seaside. We basically went halfs on that and I had an argument with her dad telling him that his daughter can't afford this trip and he responded: did you go halfs or not? Well, here we are two weeks later with her having no money in her account. That she should have not gone in the first place using this money for her responsibilities (food, petrol etc) only found deaf ears. They all do not get what it means to manage money....all grown up people?!?! At this very moment I have no idea what her situation is. How much money she has got left for the month, if she borrowed some more...I have no clue. All I know is that she knows that I have money on my account.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people never learn to be financially responsible. You can't make her change so can you deal with this the rest of your life? That's the question to ask yourself.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

So, stop bailing her out. If she is short then tell her figure it out. Don't give her the money. She is acting like a child, so she needs to be treated like one.

When you stop bailing her out, she will learn to lean on herself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd see a financial counselor together, and a marriage counselor. I think that she needs to hear from someone objective, how she is treating you and the finances. She's not your daughter, where she gets an allowance lol she's your wife. I think she needs to realize that she is your partner, and it's not your job to take care of her, but rather...take care of each other, together. That's what I'd do though, it could help.


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

on one hand i can understand your wife getting upset when you ask her about money as if she has her own account and makes income she might feel being treated like a child, that you dont trust her but of course if you noticed that she just cant manage money you will be naturally asking her.doesnt she use this simple method when people keep money in few envelopes, lets say:£400 per month on food, £100 clothes and shoes, £50 take away, £100 outings £ 100 emergency repairs etc (my sums are just random numbers.she then needs to withdraw money from cash machine, put into envelopes and just cant spend anymore than what is in envelopes.I know nowadays most people pay for things with cards but just an idea that often is given by people who work in charities that help people who have problems with managing their house budgetsif something isnt spent from envelopes it goes to separate savings account that may be for holidays.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

There would not be a need to ask her about her financial situation if she could handle everything but she can't and even does she ask me for additional money. If she could cope and I would be a control freak I would agree with you. Definitely going to contact a financial counsellor. Envelope system....been there, done that. The budget was never enough....in her eyes (she could not budget if her life would depend on it).


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

My friend, You will never be able to "teach" her.... she thinks that she is "normal" and that she should "teach" you....BTDT.

Two options, get a lawyer and get the best settlement you can, or take "iron fist" control of all financial matters. Trying to allow her "latitude" is going to leave you facing a broke retirement.

Any budget you try to implement ...... she won't have enough....she'll start to use debt, and YOU will be the one who has to sacrifice your whole damned life on the altar of just treading financial water.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Matthew L said:


> she has never learnt to live by her means.
> They all do not get what it means to manage money....all grown up people?!?!


The apple doesn't fall far from the tree......


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A warning learned the hard way:

You are thinking that the problem is limited to MONEY. It's not. Lying, deceitfulness, going out with friends, etc. etc. These types of character flaws are not limited to one thing. They are PERVASIVE in all aspects of her life. 

You probably think she is incapable of cheating on you. Well, she hid her horrid debt for years from you, correct?

I'm not saying she's cheating. Nor do I think she is. But I think eventually, with her tendencies...... there is a strong possibility.

And ask yourself this (if cheating is a deal breaker for you)---- What have you shown her you will do if she does? 

So far, you have given your wife ZERO consequences for this outrageous behavior. You really need to keep in mind that your wife is pretty much a time bomb. She will implode eventually and take you down with her. 

You can either stop this now (unlikely), or you can ignore it (won't work), or you can move on.

Personally, I think you've set yourself up for a major disaster by allowing her to be a stay at home mom. You will finance her life from now on with alimony. I'd do everything I could possibly do to cut off her spending and debt building, and get her working outside the home. You are in a really bad position in life. And you do realize you are pretty codependent on her, right? You let her do whatever to you, disregarding your own needs. Classic symptom.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Matthew, to be frank, she is monetarily retarded.
There is only one cure for this, and it will involve being a martinet with money. Essentially, you become the clearing house, she has no funds of her own, and will turn over the proceeds of the child minding business on a weekly basis. You will be able to understand whether or not she is doing this, by randomly counting children, x the weekly rate. You will dole out money to her with an eyedropper. The reason that she is like this, is that she has never had to live within a budget. Children learn this through an allowance. (ie, my son made crap the first two years out of Uni. He wanted to move out, and made a pledge to himself that he would not go unless he had one year's rent saved. A year later, with some better paying clients and $15K in the bank, he moved into a lovely condo with a roommate.) 

Your wife has never had to figure out that spending on a whim will soon bankrupt you. She has never seen her parents struggle to keep food on the table and was always assured of a safety net. Right now you are the one supplying the safety net. She needs to learn a life skill in order to learn and execute financial independence.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> You probably think she is incapable of cheating on you. Well, she hid her horrid debt for years from you, correct?
> 
> I'm not saying she's cheating. Nor do I think she is. But I think eventually, with her tendencies...... there is a strong possibility.
> 
> ...


Well, I kind of think she would never cheat but on the other side I had thoughts about her cheating on me because she is not happy (she is always not happy when financial matters come on the table), or because I am such a "miserable sod". And then her blaming me for making her cheat. But that's in my head. However she would not understand that there are different types of infidelity (e.g. financial). Yes, cheating is a deal breaker and I would get a divorce which I have told her.

My parents have been saying this all along. They even offered to pay 50% childcare costs so she can start in a proper job. Oh guys, you should have seen the arguments that followed on that one. "How dare your parents etc". And of course I know I am dependent on her. My life would be financially ruined if she divorces me. 

Definitely not gonna ignore it, also will I not divorce her but how can I stop it. I can only not give her any money anymore which I wont but this does not make her not spend too much on crap that we dont need from money that is not hers. 

I have told her plenty of times to finally get a proper job. Wont happen....she has a "business" now. I told her that her business is bankrupt. You should have seen her explosion. I said that I constantly need to help her out with her great successful business and that this is not how a business is run. I have better accounting and business skills than her and im an engineer. (She did not even know what her fixed costs are....she hasn't any because I pay them for her). Anyway, that's what a husband is there for...to help his wife out. Honestly....
Still don't know how I could take control with her having her own account and income.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Where you live, does it matter if the debt is in your name or her name? In the US, it typically does not matter. If one spouse racks up huge debts, both spouses are responsible for it. If the creditors come for her debt, can they take your assets?

There is no nice way to solve this problem. You have to put your foot down and control all the finances. Be prepared to leave if necessary. Your options are: Control all the money, divorce, or deal with these financial messes for the rest of your life. The inevitable problem is that eventually her debts will be much greater than what you can pay back. It's like you're in a boat and she keeps poking bigger and bigger holes in the bottom. Eventually the boat sinks regardless of who made the holes.


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## ewam (May 28, 2017)

another way that works for some is she still has her own account you have yours but then you both have joint account from which you pay bills rent food etc.you both set standing orders from your individual accounts into mutual one(lets say if you earn 3600 and wife 1200 you both pay 1/3 of your salaries(even if you actually pay so much more it is fair as you pay by percentage the same amount of your incomes).whatever extra money you have left in your individual accounts you both can spend as you wish on own entertainment, clothes shoes perfumes etc.try not to have too much in your joint account, just enough that money kept there pays your bills and there is always still something left for emergency,holiday.yes, your wife might use some of this money for things that she should use own money for, but you both will be able to see bank statement so you would know if that happened.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Taxman said:


> Matthew, to be frank, she is monetarily retarded.
> There is only one cure for this, and it will involve being a martinet with money. Essentially, you become the clearing house, she has no funds of her own, and will turn over the proceeds of the child minding business on a weekly basis. You will be able to understand whether or not she is doing this, by randomly counting children, x the weekly rate. You will dole out money to her with an eyedropper. The reason that she is like this, is that she has never had to live within a budget. Children learn this through an allowance. (ie, my son made crap the first two years out of Uni. He wanted to move out, and made a pledge to himself that he would not go unless he had one year's rent saved. A year later, with some better paying clients and $15K in the bank, he moved into a lovely condo with a roommate.)
> 
> Your wife has never had to figure out that spending on a whim will soon bankrupt you. She has never seen her parents struggle to keep food on the table and was always assured of a safety net. Right now you are the one supplying the safety net. She needs to learn a life skill in order to learn and execute financial independence.


This is the worst thing. Her parents had no money, she went in debt for them. She worked during Uni to give them money. But even that did not teach her to manage her finances. She always claims how independent she was and that I got everything given. But at least I could cope with what I was given. My parents gave me a budget with which I had to manage. And I did. She worked her arse off, made loads of consumption debts and to help out her parents because they were too busy sitting on the sofa watching telly (she never got the money back. When I told her that she should demand it back she would block this off. 

She is just unbelievable what she comes out with. Yesterday she apparently cleaned the house for 7 hours. Today she told me I am a lazy man who doesn't do anything. Remember, her background is a house hold in which the mother sits on the sofa the whole day and her father was a gambler that would waste an entire monthly salary so there was no money for his family. If it wasn't so sad it would be laughable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She'd ruin you financially if you divorced her. YEP.

She's going to ruin you if you keep her. I don't think this is a case of "cheaper to keep her".... But I could be wrong.

It's clear that you fear her anger. You are not the stronger willed person in this relationship. It sucks.

If she is saying these negative things about you.... She has zero respect for you. 

And women who have zero respect cheat. Eventually. They cheat. 

You say you would divorce her if she cheated. I do not think you would based on what I've read. NO offense. It's just how I see it. And my suspicion is that she sees it that way, too.

Either way, I think you need to start figuring out a way to get out of this relationship BEFORE you are FORCED out of it.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

ewam said:


> another way that works for some is she still has her own account you have yours but then you both have joint account from which you pay bills rent food etc.you both set standing orders from your individual accounts into mutual one(lets say if you earn 3600 and wife 1200 you both pay 1/3 of your salaries(even if you actually pay so much more it is fair as you pay by percentage the same amount of your incomes).whatever extra money you have left in your individual accounts you both can spend as you wish on own entertainment, clothes shoes perfumes etc.try not to have too much in your joint account, just enough that money kept there pays your bills and there is always still something left for emergency,holiday.yes, your wife might use some of this money for things that she should use own money for, but you both will be able to see bank statement so you would know if that happened.


This it what we have been doing. I pay all bills and the rent and sometimes takeaway or other little things. I save the rest. With this method I can put £500 aside every month. I save that to pay my father back. Soon even more due to a promised salary increase. She has to pay for food and petrol. The problem is that she spends her money on stuff that we do not need (mainly toys, or decoration for the house) before she fulfilled her responsibilities and therefor never has enough for food/petrol and I would need to help her out. And this is the issue, I am doing without things whereas she buys what she wants. We are not in a position at the moment to go on a fancy holiday. We have debts and every spare pound should be used to clear them. By the end of the year I should have cleared the debts with my father and half of another shared debt. (All her debts are in her name and I am not liable for them despite us being married). After that I want to save three monthly salaries as an emergency found and then start investing for retirement and our child.


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> She'd ruin you financially if you divorced her. YEP.
> 
> She's going to ruin you if you keep her. I don't think this is a case of "cheaper to keep her".... But I could be wrong.
> 
> ...


Hi, not offended at all. I wouldn't agree with that she is so much stronger than me. I just had enough having to deal with this issues. We are two academics and should have plenty of money for all the nice things in life but it is a predicament that is hard to get out of. 
I think I will bring it up once things calmed down a little bit and propose a shared account. I would still pay what I am paying now but with the benefit that I would see where her money goes. Now that I am writing this, I actually do know where the money goes because I see it. Not cooking and buying pizza for her kids, toys from the carboot sale, overprized ready meal crap, shoes (ohhh, the shoes), mobile phone bill (she has a contract and exceeds it every month), blowing three fuel tanks per month because she is driving to her friends, nights out, not having a clue how to do a reasonable food shop, speeding tickets, presents for her family (my parents told me we do not need to buy them presents because they know our situation), but for her side we always need to buy presents, booking holidays without my knowledge that I tell her to cancel so she loses money on it, the list goes on.

I definitely would divorce her if she would cheat, I know that for sure. But I do not think she would because she would lose face to everyone and I would make sure everyone would know. I really do not think she would cheat on me. 

This whole situation is so frustrating. But it feels good to get it off my chest to some people who see it more objectively


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

She wanted £350 today because she ran out of money again. There was money though for a london trip, a birthday party, inviting friends for dinner. I did not transfer her the money and she flipped out. Told me that I ruined this marriage. That im not a husband etc. I did not give in. She is fuming and I hope tonight we will come to an agreement.
I told her that after what she has done financially I am not gonna give her any more cash.

Let's see...


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

I read many of times on TAM, people than run in circles of friends cheating with one of the person in the same group. Lots of time the others never knew what was going on with the two. 

The other thing that happens is you might think she's hanging out her friends, spending crazy amount of cash on drinks etc, but she just doing something else conducive to the marriage.

Someone not happy who's see the relationship as a burden and controlling for what ever reason, the constant fighting would find an ear in some person that would lend them one.

Don't mean to give you more reasons distrust your wife, but I'm seeing huge red flags here.

Keep an eye out

S1


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## Matthew L (Jun 10, 2018)

Suspicious1 said:


> I read many of times on TAM, people than run in circles of friends cheating with one of the person in the same group. Lots of time the others never knew what was going on with the two.
> 
> The other thing that happens is you might think she's hanging out her friends, spending crazy amount of cash on drinks etc, but she just doing something else conducive to the marriage.
> 
> ...


Well, I am not 100% happy with our current situation but I would never cheat. I logistically couldn't. I leave the house in the morning, work, come back home, look after the little one go to bed an repeat.
Anyway, today my wife went to the hairdresser and spent about £15in the arcades to win our son a stupid toy that he already has. That was what she needed the money for....just as well I did not give it to her. Still wondering where she got it from in the end but I will find out.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It seems like your marriage isn't that of two equal partners, but more like you're the dad and she's your kid, or something. I'd tell her how you feel. If you aren't respected by your wife and she just uses your money, uses you, and manipulates you into thinking she'll leave...I'd think about separating. No one needs to rush to divorce court, but I'd separate. It seems like SO many men get themselves into these messes though, taking care of women who sound like they use them for money. 

You mustn't be so afraid of the future. If she goes back to Cuba, let her. I think that your life with her, would be harder than without her, that's just my objective observation. Of course you love her, why else would you stay? But, does she love and respect you? That's the question that you perhaps need to ask her. If she cries and tries manipulating her way out of the conversation, you really need to set things straight that you won't be used. You didn't get married to be used.

Stand up, be kind...but firm.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I don't get why her cheating on you is a deal-breaker, but her unrelenting destruction of your and your child's financial security is not??? 

Looking at her family, it looks like her idea of love is having someone give all their funds to their loved ones- isn't that what she did all during college? It is a very dangerous financial imprint. I think based on this, she will always expect you to financially sacrifice.

I would be worried about so many things.

Trying to keep yourself above waters financially in the present
Worried about any additional debts she might be running up without your knowledge
What happens if she decides to divorce you in 10 years? You'll have to pay her 50% of whatever savings you've managed to scrimp together; you'll have to take on 50% of whatever debts are outstanding (even though she is probably the person who incurred 100% of it)

If you refuse to divorce her over this, I think your only real option is to accept that she will never be a financial contributor. Make an agreement that you will be the provider for the household- you pay all the bills and put $$ into savings- and her money is hers to spend on herself as she sees fit. Try to get her to agree to no new credit, cut up all credit cards and put her and you on a credit alert system so you can see if she ever tries to open new credit.

Don't be too comfortable; just because you won't divorce her doesn't mean that you still won't end up divorced. She could divorce you at any time. I'm not saying that she will do so, I am saying this so that you enact some kind of defense of you and your children.

I wish you the best!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Matthew, have you done a cost/benefit analysis on keeping her vs hiring a hooker a couple or three times a week. Two of the worse things in life for a man is living with a woman that can't control spending money or who she gives it up to.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

Cash your savings
Very soon your money will be taken to pay her off by the court order, because this woman does not seem continuing this marriage. She has no respect for you.


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