# Could it get worse than this?



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

My story is regrettably, a long one. It’s really not possible to describe everything that happened without writing a novel so I’m condensing as best I can.

My wife and I have been married for 24 years and have a grown son. We’re both working professionals. It’s been an up and down relationship over the years, but despite that I have always loved her and believed she loved me. I’m a very private person, some would say to the extreme. I don’t particularly enjoy socializing, don’t have any close friends, no other family to speak of, and am perfectly content to stay at home most of the time. For most of my career I’ve had to travel away from home so I tend to enjoy being there, but otherwise that’s just the way I am. Quite the opposite from my wife who is a very social person. She has a lot of girl friends, likes to talk on the phone and go out with them, and I’ve never begrudged her doing that. That’s one way we’ve managed to stay married over the years. 

I’ve never been physically or emotionally abusive to my wife. But for the last three or four years I was constantly frustrated due to her disinterest in sex and more recently, her increasingly distant behavior. As my resentment about the sex increased, I withdrew from her even more. For this reason and others, I became severely depressed and began self medicating with alcohol. So it goes without saying that I was not always pleasant to live with during this time, but honestly, neither was she. I could have understood if she had wanted to divorce and I often thought of it myself. But two years ago, I finally admitted to her that my drinking and isolation was a major problem. I agreed to go rehab, completed it successfully, and apologized to her for putting her through that. After that I hit the gym, lost 120 lbs., got a job that didn’t require travel, agreed to socialize with her more and tried with all my heart to be an attentive husband. I realized that if I wanted to improve my life and hold on to my marriage, that was my choice. She agreed to a fresh start and I was hopeful that things would turn around for us. 

Part of socializing with her meant going to her friend’s parties and get-togethers. That was difficult for me because there was always drinking, but I tried to stay true to my promise. But as the weeks passed, despite my efforts, she became increasingly distant and started avoiding sex again. She tried to convince me that because of her friends’ drinking, it might be better if I left the get-togethers early. Then, eventually, it was fine with her if I just stayed at home. After that, she stopped inviting me to go with her, discouraging me even if I volunteered. But believe it or not, at that point I trusted her and didn’t want her to feel trapped at home. I didn’t really want to be around the drinking, and wasn’t that crazy about most of her friends, so I didn’t object. At least not for a while. But as time passed, she was gone more and more often, and out later and later. I noticed that she was constantly on Facebook, especially early in the morning and late at night. When I finally started complaining to her about it, she would remind me how stressful her job was and that she needed to socialize with her friends, but didn’t want me to be around the drinking. The fresh start and togetherness I had hoped for was slipping away. I began to get suspicious and decided that the next chance I got; I would look through her cell phone for texts. That was ten months ago.

One night I got that opportunity after she went to bed and left her cell out. I found about 4 text messages from some unknown person, with “I love you’s” between the two of them, from the prior two days. All the others had been deleted, so there wasn’t much to go by other than that. At first I thought it was from one of her girl friends, but as I read on, I realized that wasn’t likely. Then I looked at our cell phone bill. She had been texting and calling to and from that same number several times over the last several weeks, some conversations lasting for hours. I confronted her the next morning. After some stalling, she told me that she had been having an EA with her best friend’s husband for 3 or 4 months, but that it essentially ended a few weeks ago, after his wife found his phone records (her friend never bothered to let me know that). But she admitted she still had feelings for him and they were still texting from time to time - to his pre-paid phone. She looked me in the face and said she had never even kissed him. I was stunned and hurt of course. We had a long discussion. She agreed to no further contact with him and I watched as she sent him a text to that effect. I called his wife to tell her, but she didn’t seem too concerned about it. In fact she told my wife she didn’t want me to contact her again because I was causing trouble. Her husband actually convinced her that I hacked my wife’s phone to create his messages. Yes, really. I of course remained suspicious, not so much that she would try to contact him again, but that she hadn’t been honest with me about their relationship. A few days later I found an email on her computer, where 9 months earlier she had sent him bikini photos and a picture of nothing but her bare legs. These were photos that I had taken of her years ago on vacation. She had obviously overlooked deleting that message because there were no other e-mails to or from him. At that point, I realized her EA story was unlikely, but this time I said nothing. I kept looking for evidence when I had the opportunity. One other thing; I’m very good with computers and electronics and she was well aware of that. But apparently not well aware enough. 

I was able to access her Facebook page (I used a key logger to get all her passwords) and found that if she had ever been messaging with him, all the threads were deleted. But I did find a few messages she had sent to her group of friends, criticizing me for a number of things. I still said nothing. Then a thought suddenly hit me. I’m not on Facebook (of course), but I thought I remembered that received Facebook messages are forwarded to the receiver as emails. As I mentioned, I found no e-mails from him on her computer, but I knew I could probably still recover them if they had been deleted. I re-opened her e-mail account on my own computer and downloaded all her e-mails that were still on the server. I used e-mail recovery software to get the rest from her hard drive. In fact I recovered practically every Facebook e-mail message she had ever received; including over 3700 of them from him, sent over the prior year and a half. The messages ended right about the time his wife had found his phone records, so at least that part of her story was apparently true. It took hours and hours to read through them. I couldn’t retrieve her sent messages because they’re not saved to the server or the hard drive, but it really didn’t matter.

To say that I was shocked and devastated at the depth of her betrayal would be an understatement. You would really have to know my wife to understand, because I or anyone else wouldn’t have believed that she was capable of doing what she did. There was apparently nothing that happened between the two of us, in or out of the bedroom, that she didn’t share with him. She let him read my heartfelt apology letter I sent her before I left for rebab. She allowed him to look through my computer at home while I was away from the house. And then, I read the gory details of the sex. They had sex at hotels, sex at my mother-n-laws house (she was bed ridden), sex at his house and sex at my house. They texted genital pictures to each other. They had threesome sex with another woman on one occasion. He tried to talk her in to having threesome sex with one of his buddies. He bragged to her about how proud he was that he had my woman and how she would do anything for him sexually. He told her he couldn’t wait to tell me how much he enjoyed f***g her. He berated and insulted both me and his wife. He detailed disgusting sex fantasies about her. He tried to convince her to be patient until he got things in order to leave his wife. But when his wife found his phone records he apparently ended the physical relationship, at least for a while, though they were still texting and calling each other. It would take too long to tell everything else they did or how they talked about me. I just can’t describe how gut wrenching it was to read through all of them. I could be wrong, but as a wife’s betrayal goes, I don’t think it gets worse than this.

The evidence was so devastating and completely documented, that to me it didn’t even warrant a discussion. At least not until I had calmed down a few days. That night I simply told her that I had recovered her Facebook messages from him, didn’t want to talk to her, and asked that she go stay at her mother’s house, a couple of miles away. I said nothing else to her and she did as I asked. She packed a few things and left. She texted me over the next several days about how sorry she was. She begged me not to tell her best friend, because they worked at the same place and she could lose her job. I didn’t respond except to tell her that I needed some time to think before I talked to her again. I couldn’t even imagine not divorcing her. I began making preparations to go forward with my life without her.

After a few days I texted her and told her I would meet her at our house if she was willing to answer all my questions and not lie to me again. She agreed and we met. She admitted that the affair had started 6 months before my rehab and continued a year and a half afterwards, not ending physically until his wife found his phone records. He had convinced his wife there was nothing to it, that they had just gotten too friendly. She had been cheating with him for two full years. She told me that when I found his texts; that ended it completely for both of them. She said he was trying to avoid his wife finding out. She actually admitted to me that she would have left me for him, if he had left his wife. Though she didn’t say it, I was obviously her fall back plan. I asked her why she didn’t just divorce me, and she said she was afraid of the financial consequences to her. She was a classic cake eater. She said she didn’t want me to leave her.

After a few more days alone it hit me. Insecurity; afraid of living alone with no friends or family - other than my son; guilt that my isolationism and drinking pushed her toward this; increased sexual desire for her after reading all the details of their sex. I’m sure I was affected by all of these things and others. It was the worst thing I had been through in my life and I was a complete mess. The contempt I held for this a-hole was almost uncontrollable. I got some counseling but the counselor wasn’t too empathetic. She said I should look at my own past actions that contributed to this and work on being more social. She told me that sometimes things like this can improve a marriage if both are committed. But this betrayal was so brutal I wasn’t sure I could get beyond it. I thought about it for a few more days.

I finally told my wife that I would give us another chance, but let her know that I wouldn’t commit to stay. I let her know that I would try my best to be a loving husband, but if I wasn’t convinced she still loved me, that she wasn't remorseful, I would leave. That’s the best I could offer. I also told her she had to be totally transparent in everything she did and I would be monitoring her for as long as I felt the need to. I told her that I would be sending all 3700 of the e-mail messages to his wife and I would include a letter, making sure that his remarks about me were repaid, and then some. I told her if she lost her job it would be her own doing, but I agreed to wait until the end of the school year (she’s a teacher) before I gave them to her. She told me that if I would wait till then, she would find another job or retire. Not only that, she volunteered to deliver the messages to her best friend on her last day of work, since she probably wouldn’t accept them from me. (There were so many I had to put them on a thumb drive.) So she agreed to everything I asked.

That was ten months ago. Since then my wife has kept her promises, has shown me love every day, sex is good, she’ kind, attentive and we spend almost all of our time together. She lets me know where she is, where’s she’s been, and who she’s talked to or texted during the day. The truth is, I know anyway. She may or may not realize it, but if she does, she has no problem with it. She delivered on her promise to give the messages to her friend a couple of months ago, but when she did, she found out her husband had confessed to the affair a while back. She still stayed with him. My guess is he didn’t want to take the chance that I would stay quiet. It was a shock to both of us because her friend never told her about it until my wife gave her my thumb drive. I heard she read my letter, and found out things he didn’t confess to. I don’t know if she’ll read all the messages, but at least he knows she has them and she could bury his perverted ass. Did I mention I hate that SOB?

I hoped that I would never have to hear his name or his wife mentioned again after that, but unbelievably, this friend of hers still wants to be friends and talk with and text with my wife – her best friend who cheated with her husband for two years and would have stolen him away in a heartbeat. To the ladies on this forum, is it me or is something wrong with her? It’s great that she could forgive my wife and move on, but I simply don’t trust her and she certainly did me no favors. I finally asked my wife to end all contact with her to help us both get closure and separation from him. She wasn’t happy to do it, but she did it. At least so far. If that makes me a controlling a-hole, then that’s what I am now. 

Finally, I’d like to say this story has a happy ending, but it’s a struggle for me every day to think about what my wife did to me. There hasn’t been a day go by in the ten months since then that my thoughts don’t migrate to it. I’ve struggled when I’m alone and to this day, despite how well we’re getting along, I’m not sure I made the right decision. I’m told time heals, but I feel permanently scarred and often depressed. If I was answering someone on this forum and they described to me what I just described, I probably would have told them they were a fool to stay.

So I guess I’m writing this because I have no one else to tell this too and I’m hoping I can find some cathartic relief from expressing my thoughts. And maybe even some encouragement or practical advice from someone who has dealt with something similar. What mistakes did I make in handling this? If you’ve managed to read through all this, thanks for listening.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think you were right to make her end contact with the friend. I don't see how she could maintain NC with the OM if she was still friends with the OMW.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The pain does not go away quickly. I am at about the same point as you as far as a timeline goes and I am now married 30 years. I am still dealing with the mind movies from time to time. 

I have good and bad days, I am sure you do as well


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The thing about exposure is you do it without giving notice ahead of time to your spouse. You don't warn your WS or the OM that you'll release the emails and other info. That gives them a heads up to get their stories straight. You give the BS of the OM the evidence directly. You don't ask your WS to do it. 

What precautions has she put in place to ensure this never happens again?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Over two years since the first D day here and the pain is still there. It's diminished, but every once in a while something brings it back up. We are reconciling and doing well, but it's a tough road, that's for sure.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you even want to stay with this woman!! I can't even comprehend !! Yuck!!


Reconciling out of fear of staying/left alone ?


----------



## Danaerys (Aug 20, 2012)

Wow I'm surprised the OMW stayed friends with her. If I read 3700 emails from my husband to my best friend, some of them x rated, I don't think I'd stay friends with that person!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Only 2 years and 1 guy.....geez come on man try 13 years with 20 different guys. 

My point is you are not alone some guys have had there wifes cheat on them for 6 years some 8 years with the same guy. Some guys have seen their chic have group sex with clowns. Some guys read about it some guys catch them red handed. You will get throught this and yes it sucks, and no, you are not a fool.


Lets just say after the 13 years of of a 23 yr marriage were crappy and 20 OM, me and the mrs. are doing good...sure 2-1/2 years ago I was were you are and I feel your pain. but let me tell you once you your chic undestands who she is and understands her self that is a big part of affair proofing the marriage.

I get the whole thing about "alone time" I love it and sure it wasn't the healthiest thing for my marriage but either was pushing my wife around but I learned the tools to have healthier behaviors and thru anger managment and IC I'm a better person.

Just like my old lady, she has learned the tools to be an emotionally healthier person thru IC and MC and she owns her crap just like I own my crap but these days (2-1/2 years later) things are good...we meet each others needs.

lets face it me and you are married to some " bad girls" but we keep them around cuz they are doing the heavy lifting to keep it that way.

Dude it will get better as long as that submission your wife has for you stays only with you. So alpha up and show her whos boss and give your wife what she needs like a good spanking LOL

Sure I'm wired a lot different then most but hopefully you can take what I have to say to heart and have a desent marriage.....maybe trust is over rated but no one walks in yours or my shoes so f^ck um and do what you need to do to be happy, and if thats keeping your wife arounds as long as she behaves and excepts the consequences then good for you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Crikey! What horrible story! I am pleased you have been able to reconcile with your wife.

The OM was a real POS. As to what his wife was thinking? Who can possibly know?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

24 years of GNO and cheating behavior? Are you sure you got 1/10 of the whole deal yet?

Your story kinda makes me mad because you realized you were the "backup plan" and then went ahead and accepted being the backup. For fear of being alone to to top cherry the cake...

Sorry for you mate...


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks, the guy, the perspective you gave me and your advise is appreciated. You sound like you know what you're talking about.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I expected to have some who thought I was nuts for staying. That's fine. I'm absorbing everything I hear from you.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I've made her agree to every precaution I could think of. At this point she can't scratch her butt without me knowing about it, and she stays home with me every night. But I don't claim to be an expert in these matters. Am I overlooking something?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

How do you know your wife gave the thumb drive to the OMW and that she read your letter?


----------



## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

besides the obivious disrespect by cheating,myself being a very private person your wife showing the om your private letters and letting him go thru your computer would of been way more than enough for me...i wish you luck.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Am I overlooking something?


I fear the background means this is just the tip if iceberg. She started cheating before. Before you starte coping with alcohol, which I believe it was a side effect of her gaslighting.

Sorry man. You are not a fool. Here I am, going towards three years after the sh!t hi the fun. My wife deeply in love with some married loser POSOM who just used her. Wounded becuase he dripped her like a hot potato nad bever loocked back the day I busted them. She wanted to leave a marry her soulmate too.

I also had the whole affiar in emails and texts. I'm maybe more lucky becuase I was not mocked and bashed that bad. I think it's the worse. Sharing even you apology letter? You have to feel utter violated.

Hang tough man.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

TBT said:


> How do you know your wife gave the thumb drive to the OMW and that she read your letter?


:iagree:

That's the only thing I think he did wrong. Normally you give the evidence personally, or send a certified letter.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

TBT said:


> How do you know your wife gave the thumb drive to the OMW and that she read your letter?


Good question. Because, I read texts between them discussing it. This confirmed my wife's story, but in all honesty, I can't be 100% certain.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

badmemory, sorry you had to read the very graphic emails that OM sent to your WW. I had a similar experience this year. Its so hard to imagine that someone you love could do something so dastardly and practically evil. Especially when OM boasted about wanting to tell it to you personally and rub it in your face. 

Its good that at least she's making the effort for R, being transparent and doing the heavy lifting. Yes, you are the backup plan, and that's something that you have to accept sometimes if you want R. 

Just keep in mind that ultimately, it's up to you to stay in the marriage. You may find someday that you can't recover from this. There's no shame in giving up, because you've tried your best. But if you can heal enough, then continue R.

Also, fire or never go back to that sorry excuse for a counselor. There are so many horror stories about incompetent counselors here that its pathetic. There are for too many counselors that simply make things worse because they don't know how to deal with infidelity, concentrating instead, like yours did, about YOUR actions, instead of dealing with the infidelity and holding her accountable. 

I would suggest you and your WW go to MC, but shop around first. Make sure you find one that is experienced in dealing with infidelity issues. I know the first one left a very bad taste in your mouth, but there are some good ones out there that can help you out.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

STD tests?

Any desire to get rid of the bed/couch they used or the clothes she wore?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She disparaged you to her friends. Ever consider asking her to write a letter to those friends apologizing for that?

She disparaged you to other man. Does she ever disparage him to you? She probably never mentions him, but how do you think she feels about him now?

You wrote her a letter of apology a couple years ago for your drinking. Has she written you a letter of apology? It it were me, I would want one. Including her thoughts on the other man.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Also, does she have any Toxic Friends (TF) who provided emotional support (enabled) for her and the affair? If so, any TFs must be cut out of her life too. If they knew of the affair and enabled it or facilitated it, then they are no friends of the marriage and must be out of your lives.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> STD tests?
> 
> Any desire to get rid of the bed/couch they used or the clothes she wore?


As far as I can discern they didn't use our bed, and I never asked her what clothes she wore. Outside of the hotel rooms, apparently their sex was oral, except for one time at his house. When you have 3700 messages, you get a fairly accurate accounting without having to rely on confessions.

Yes I got tested for STD's.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> She disparaged you to her friends. Ever consider asking her to write a letter to those friends apologizing for that?
> 
> She disparaged you to other man. Does she ever disparage him to you? She probably never mentions him, but how do you think she feels about him now?
> 
> You wrote her a letter of apology a couple years ago for your drinking. Has she written you a letter of apology? It it were me, I would want one. Including her thoughts on the other man.


Yes, I did think of asking her to Facebook her friends, but decided not too when she essentially cut ties with that group.

She doesn't like to speak of this guy, but when she did at first, it was related to his betrayal of her and how he mislead and deceived her. Frankly, I didn't want to know any more about their time together.

I may be wrong, but asking her to write me a letter of apology wouldn't seem sincere. She did write me a letter thanking me for forgiving her and how much she wanted to make up for what she had done.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Also, does she have any Toxic Friends (TF) who provided emotional support (enabled) for her and the affair? If so, any TFs must be cut out of her life too. If they knew of the affair and enabled it or facilitated it, then they are no friends of the marriage and must be out of your lives.


Not really, this was a secret to all of her friends. She would be to humiliated to let them know and the messages I read confirmed that.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

I have a fear you're going to be like struggling4ever and be back here in about 10 years or so. She out right told you that you were a backup plan, the only reason she's staying is for the $$ so please don't divorce her.

She might become the best wife in the world but I think the poison seed has been planted and it's only a matter of time before you rot from the inside out.

Let her suffer, never be 2nd place to anyone ever.

Unless you can push those words out of your mind and get over them, I don't see you making it in the long run.

Everyday for the rest of your life, if you keep playing it over and over in your head

I would have left you if he left his wife. I only stayed because I can't make it financially by myself so don't divorce me.

I don't even care if it's said while she's in the fog, it's been said.

Can it get worse, yep, she could find the next upgrade who will leave his wife or is single. If you're not #1 on the list, she's going to be always looking for it.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Good question. Because, I read texts between them discussing it. *This confirmed my wife's story, but in all honesty, I can't be 100% certain*.


Maybe you should find out for sure


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bad Memory

All I am going to say is your wife is the devil and you are her Angel.

She is one lucky woman to have you. I hope she never forgets that.

And POSOM deserves to be hit by a bus. In fact they both do.

Good luck on your healing. You deserve it.

HM64


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> They had threesome sex with another woman on one occasion. He tried to talk her in to having threesome sex with one of his buddies. He bragged to her about how proud he was that he had my woman and how she would do anything for him sexually. He told her he couldn’t wait to tell me how much he enjoyed f***g her. He berated and insulted both me and his wife.


This is to much for me to bear and I'm just reading the story. Are you sure staying with your wife is best for you emotionally? Do you feel she is really remorseful and not settling for you because the affair was exposed? I know you don't want to be alone but It might be better for you in the long run.

To have the OM brag to her about cuckolding you is just to far out there. I hope the best for you to R with your wife only because that's what you want, but I feel this women's actions is too far over the line that she is capable of doing and saying anything. I feel this betrayal runs to deep, too disrespectful, too malicious. She could could have given the thumb drive to the OMW but I think she edited it first.

The OM has to pay for his actions. The blatant disrespect for you and the perverted desire to brag about the A to your face is atrocious. Who knows what kind of lies or brainwashing he has on his wife. I would expose this A to his boss and friends. A person like this should not be working in the school system. 

IMHO She showed the OM your intimate messages. Had threesomes and god knows what else. This women cannot be trusted ever. When the chips are down, I don't think she has or truly cares to have your back. I also feel she is just bidding her time for someone else who comes along. I feel anybody in this situation deserves better. Maybe you should leave your wife so you can truly heal. You made the effort to be more outgoing to please your wife, now make the effort to please yourself and meet new people. Overall I hope everything works out for you no matter what you chose.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

AlphaHalf said:


> This is to much for me to bear and I'm just reading the story. Are you sure staying with your wife is best for you emotionally? Do you feel she is really remorseful and not settling for you because the affair was exposed? I know you don't want to be alone but It might be better for you in the long run.
> 
> To have the OM brag to her about cuckolding you is just to far out there. I hope the best for you to R with your wife only because that's what you want, but I feel this women's actions is too far over the line that she is capable of doing and saying anything. I feel this betrayal runs to deep, too disrespectful, too malicious. She could could have given the thumb drive to the OMW but I think she edited it first.
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Personally, I wouldn't even think of R if I had read messages like that about me. Her sh!t would be out on the lawn so fast. She would be so damaged to me, that even Hysterical Bonding would be out of the question.

Having said that, badmemory knows that he is the backup plan because she admitted it was so. And badmemory has chosen the path to R and the WW is doing the heavy lifting. So we have to respect his desire for R, even if we don't agree with it. 

But he's 10 months out and still having trouble coping with it, and it may still be a deal breaker in the end. Only time will tell.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

badmemory, while your story is heartbreaking by any standards, I would have to say that yes, it could get worse. Check out Tover26's story. His WW even made videos for her OM at his request, even one where he ordered her to wear her wedding dress and masturbated on camera for him, all the while she and OM were bashing and ridiculing Tover26. And even after all that, he's decided to R.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/33914-lesbian-bi-serial-oh-my.html

Its been almost a month since he logged on, but you can try to send him a PM and ask him how he's coping.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What makes you think you you are not the back up option? The OM dumped her, right? 

The emotional betrayal is much worse in this case than the physical one.(considering that it involved threesomes). The scars will be there permanently and you will never be able to trust her again. No wonder you are guarding her like a hawk. She was depriving and blaming you while she was having the best time of her life and new sexual experiences with other men. As if it is not enough, she was belittling you and was very accepting of the OM cuckolding you. How do you even get over that ? 

Maybe she is staying with you because she is ashamed of the exposure. Remove that doubt. Your wife is a horrible person. I don't know why you would even consider remaining with her!!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> This is to much for me to bear and I'm just reading the story. Are you sure staying with your wife is best for you emotionally? Do you feel she is really remorseful and not settling for you because the affair was exposed? I know you don't want to be alone but It might be better for you in the long run.
> 
> To have the OM brag to her about cuckolding you is just to far out there. I hope the best for you to R with your wife only because that's what you want, but I feel this women's actions is too far over the line that she is capable of doing and saying anything. I feel this betrayal runs to deep, too disrespectful, too malicious. She could could have given the thumb drive to the OMW but I think she edited it first.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If I was the OP, I'd nuke this marriage and expose all to everyone the OM and his wife knows. It's time to act like General Sherman on his march to Atlanta...


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If I was the OP, I'd nuke this marriage and expose all to everyone the OM and his wife knows. It's time to act like General Sherman on his march to Atlanta...


:iagree:

There is no question that this OM must be exposed and that whatever nastiness happens to him as a consequence is pure karma


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What have you done to improve your marriage?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Good question. Because, I read texts between them discussing it. This confirmed my wife's story, but in all honesty, I can't be 100% certain.


I think the only way to confirm is voice or face to face. 

OM could have been on his wife's phone or email sending the texts.

I believe I would call OMW.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Are you sure that this was her first A? What was she doing during her GNOs earlier?

Your wife may have warned the OM about the thumb, which may have made him for a partial confession. You did the mistake here by handing over the thumb to her, At least you may have present there.

Then about her cheating and berating you and allowing OM to rub his ass on your back is cruel and ultimate. Its toooooo much to swallow. As you have decided to R, good luck to you. But you can readily walk away with your head held high as you have tried your best for R.


----------



## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> :iagree:
> 
> If I was the OP, I'd nuke this marriage and expose all to everyone the OM and his wife knows. It's time to act like General Sherman on his march to Atlanta...


I have done this as well because it was what I needed. Badmemory needs to feel its what he needs. 

That being said a good way of spreading the word is to go to the FB page of the OM and OMW and identify the family members and send them private msgs. If you don't find the OM its mostly because he has blocked you so create a new FB account or use a friends. Do not discuss this with your WW unless it is a condition you agreed to.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Maybe she is staying with you because she is ashamed of the exposure. Remove that doubt. Your wife is a horrible person. I don't know why you would even consider remaining with her!!


I think you're very insightful about the staying with me because she's afraid of the exposure. I've thought about that myself.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Badmemory,

How old are you and your wife?

And if you did expose her A to your families do you think she would stay with you or leave the marriage?

Has she ever discussed what she would do if you exposed the A?

Hm64


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If your chic really wants to own her sh*t and turn over a new leaf she should get this monkey off her back.

I think exposure is just another consequences she needs to face, a lesson that may help her affair proof her marriage in the future.

may old lady faced her demon and it seems to have panned out for her. To me that would said alot about what she was and what she wants to become.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Happyman64 make an awsome point, this kind of thinking sure would tell you alot about what she is all about now.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would never take back a cheater who would not admit what he did to his parents.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Badmemory,
> 
> How old are you and your wife?
> 
> ...


I'm 55, she's 49. Each of our parents are now dead. She has 2 brothers that live out of town. She's fairly close to one of them. I essentially have no family that I stay in touch with other than my son, and I told him when I found out, but spared him the gory details.

We've actually never discussed my exposing her further. I doubt she would leave me over it, just be mad for a while. I think she'd be more worried about that one brother and everyone in the community knowing. However, she told me OM's wife told several of her friends about it, so if I know women (don't mean to sound sexist), probably all of them do. 

Funny, while I was typing this, she just called me and asked me if I minded if she had drinks with some of her friends from school this afternoon (she's now retired from teaching). She told me that one of them, is one I consider of the toxic variety. (I know because I read her Facebook messages over this period). I told her yes I did mind because that one person was in the group. She acted disapointed but said OK. It was a short conversation.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's unbelievable to me that she could even think she could go out drinking without you. You have some real boundary issues my friend. You need to lay down the law.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good for you!


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The fact you posted on here now means you are still having a really hard time. The Happy Ending to the story is not happy at all, in my opinion.

Do some self-introspection and really, really think about your reconciliation. She is a constant trigger to you, and her betrayal is spectacularly cruel. 

I agree with other posters that you need to expose a certain few of these OM messages to some key people that the OM wouldn't want to see them. Bring his world down.

Good luck to you - I couldn't imagine sticking this out. You are a more tolerant man that I am.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

badmemory said:


> Funny, while I was typing this, she just called me and asked me if I minded if she had drinks with some of her friends from school this afternoon (she's now retired from teaching). She told me that one of them, is one I consider of the toxic variety. (I know because I read her Facebook messages over this period). I told her yes I did mind because that one person was in the group. She acted disapointed but said OK. It was a short conversation.


See with exposure she could tell her friends "that since the marriage is fragile right now and it is important to me, I want to be with my husband".

I also suggest you talk to your wife and acknowledge her respect in calling you and it will be some time before you can heal from her past behavior and a GNO would not help at this time.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

the guy said:


> See with exposure she could tell her friends "that since the marriage is fragile right now and it is important to me, I want to be with my husband".
> 
> I also suggest you talk to your wife and acknowledge her respect in calling you and it will be some time before you can heal from her past behavior and a GNO would not help at this time.


:iagree:

Absolutely. You have to go there with her everytime. It is like potty training a little kid. You have to show them how to do it everytime until they can do it on their own.

And BadMemory, it might not hurt to go talk to a counsellor about this event in your life.

In fact I think it would help you a lot.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree wholeheartedly with happyman and the guy. 

...the guy...you really are the guy! I think you post some great stuff and I think your opinion is sound. What u say in all I can think of that I have read is spot on! 

Yes, acknowledge her respecting u, give her something back for doing what it is you want, what you need. She acknowledges her wrongs, she does things to put right, does all she can to put right. You are the one forgiving what she did, so acknowledge it and give encouragement, even if only a little. If you cannot forgive, then let her go. What she did was unbelievable, and in order to deal with it she will need the little acts of encouragement too to know she is not doing it all for nothing. And indeed to spur her on to continue giving her all and making up entirely. I am sure she will accept much anger in return for bits of positive reinforcement that you can give in the hope she can make things ok again. Give her hope too. If indeed that is what you want.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I am sorry, I have downplayed a lot I feel about the intensity of how you must feel. I got you a little confused with another. I still stand by what I said, and my agreement with the above posters...totally...but also I think you need some proof in her loving you, wanting you, you for you, also. You need to try and gain that proof, and I guess the anger you feel is one way in gaining that. As in, if you are angry enough, push her away enough, and she remains, then she must love, otherwise why would she stay. But you need something more than that? I would I think. In fact I do. And I did not experience what you did. What can prove the love though, the real love. And not just the loyalty or the sense of duty. Your situation is a tough one. Do you trust what comes out of her mouth? Do you trust what she says? I hope you find a way to move past this. But remember, 10 months isn't long. It took me a year just to begin to accept, and I did not experience your situation. Mine was not as bad. 

Lots of talking and opening up to each other is the key. That will unlock your freedom to enjoy again.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hello all. Thought I’d give an update on my R. If you’re not that interested, that’s OK. It’s just cathartic for me to pen it.

I’m still struggling in many ways. Even after 14 months, the mind movies reoccur on a daily basis. As much as I want them to go away, they stay. My emotions and attitude still swing like a pendulum, even if not quite so wildly. 

On the other hand, I now have the loving wife I’ve missed for so long. Remorseful, kind, affectionate, regular sex. Why did it take this betrayal to find her? She tells me she didn’t think I loved or cared for her before; that by my willingness to R, she now realizes that I do; and because I’m now kind and attentive as I wasn’t before.

I don’t monitor her much anymore, because she’s passed all the tests. She’s now retired and at home all day. She could be shtooping the entire neighborhood for all I know, but I really don’t think she is or worry about it. I wonder why I don’t, but I just don’t.

The delusional POSOM’s wife, her former best friend, has finally stopped the (friendly) communication to her. She did send a Merry Christmas text, but I let that one go. My wife is not responding to her.

I have so much hate for the POSOM. I think about him every day and what else I can do to make his life miserable. He’s retired too, so my options are limited. I still can out him to his friends and (preacher) father but I think I’ve waited too long to do that. He’s already sent me a Cease and Desist letter so I have to be careful. I know that is unhealthy but I don’t care. I’m still working on my “served cold” master plan (lol).

I can’t help but feel my wife hasn’t suffered enough consequences and of course that’s my fault. What were the results to her? When her mother died, we used her inheritance to buy the remaining years of her retirement time. So she no longer has to work and spends the day lounging in our newly remodeled house or shopping. (She did work 25 years as a teacher, so I shouldn’t begrudge her that I know.) Besides our grown son, none of her family knows what she did since our parents are dead; and she gets a new and improved husband – even if I was her plan B. 

Yes, she has fewer friends now. She has to live with my mood swings and her own moral failings; and I’m sure she’s not overly confident I’m going to stay – but that’s about it for repercussion. I hope she’s not too confident, because I’m not.

It’s a very conflicting feeling – to be happier and sadder at the same time.

Recently I read an old thread where Theguy dispensed some sage advice. He wrote (spell corrected):

“*Ask your self are you running away from something or are you running towards something.

If you’re running away from this affair and can't feel the monkey off your back and can't smile as you move on then it is a negative for you to move on.

But if running towards a better life and you do feel a load lifted off your back and feel good and can smile knowing you're doing a positive thing...well then move on.

Until you can do this and have a smile about your decision then you are not ready and it will only bring you regret. Until you can walk away with a good feeling that the choice is right and you can smile about it then wait....wait until the time comes that you are not running away but running towards something.”*

That struck a chord with me and I PM’d him as much. As I head into this next year I think that will be my goal. I need to figure out if I have something to run towards, and prepare as if I do.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Bad Memory

Your post struck a chord with me.

Do not let the hate for Posom ruin your future. 

He is so not worth the thoughts.

TheGuy's advice is very wise. He became wise from experience.

And he is spot on.

Make 2013 your year to move forward and be happy with yourself and your wife.

Drop the hate for the POSOM. You have better things to do with your time. Take his cease & desist letter, wipe your butt with it and return it via his mailbox with your own note:

"Dear POS
My response is enclosed. I will never give you another thought in my life as long as you stay out of it. Karma is what you make of it.
Bad Memory"

Have a great New Year. Strengthen your marriage and work on you to ensure a bright future. And ask your wife to match your efforts.

You deserve it.

HM64


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Hello all. Thought I’d give an update on my R. If you’re not that interested, that’s OK. It’s just cathartic for me to pen it.
> 
> I’m still struggling in many ways. Even after 14 months, the mind movies reoccur on a daily basis. As much as I want them to go away, they stay. My emotions and attitude still swing like a pendulum, even if not quite so wildly.
> 
> ...


Well if I was you I'd 'have' him. But then I'm a vengeful person at times. I'm 56 and there is somebody from school days that I still need to settle a score with.

Plus getting revenge on him would probably help you in laying some of this to rest.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Hi badmemory,

Good to hear that your R is doing well.

The mind movies take a real long time to go....in your case she is now within the range of your expectations, hope you will overcome the mind movies early.

I still have the feeling that you have rugswept her affair and she really had no consequences. Sharing those heartfelt apology letters, oh.

Keep a vigil. Stay strong.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> I still have the feeling that you have rugswept her affair and she really had no consequences.



I didn't realize it the time and have since tried to deny it to myself; but I did rugsweep. A huge mistake, but I just have to live with it and move on.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

badmemory said:


> I didn't realize it the time and have since tried to deny it to myself; but I did rugsweep. A huge mistake, but I just have to live with it and move on.


Sorry about that. So, take care of yourself at emotional level.
Are you in IC?


----------



## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” 
Lewis B. Smedes 


“When we forgive evil we do not excuse it, we do not tolerate it, we do not smother it. We look the evil full in the face, call it what it is, let its horror shock and stun and enrage us, and only then do we forgive it.” 
Lewis B. Smedes


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you building up your marriage with better, new memories? The more better new ones you make, the harder it is to reclaim the bad ones.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Sorry about that. So, take care of yourself at emotional level.
> Are you in IC?


I had a bad experience with the counselor I saw after Dday. Her recommendation was that I consider what I had done to cause my wife to have an affair and work on those things. 

I remember she also asked me; don't you think it's possible for a woman to be in love with two men at the same time?

I eventually fired her, but that certainly didn't help me react appropriately in the following weeks - partially blaming myself.

So, I've not had IC since then, but have recently begun to look around. Hard to find competent counselors in my neck of the woods.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

turnera said:


> Are you building up your marriage with better, new memories? The more better new ones you make, the harder it is to reclaim the bad ones.


We are certainly trying to do that. In fact she is trying harder than I am to do different things together. Seems much of the time, all I can think about is sex. 

I'm still a very introverted person and prone to isolation, so that's one of the things I know I have to work on.

Maybe I can join the Moose Lodge (joking).


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Better than that...Toastmasters.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I usually don't comment once the BS chooses to reconcile. But I think in your case, you should re-examine your motives on why you reconciled. You reconciled out of fear of being alone at this age. 



> On the other hand, I now have the loving wife I’ve missed for so long. Remorseful, kind, affectionate, regular sex.


Not sure if you can call her remorseful. The OM dumped her. She was insulting you along with the OM during the affair. They made plans to run away before he cheated her. She did sexual stuff with him she never offered you.(threesomes etc) She, like you does not want to be alone at this age. So she reverted back to her plan B, throwing you crumbs, things she repeatedly denied you during her affair.

You reacted in panic when you took her back. You were happy just to have your wife back.(Co-dependency). Now only are you slowly digesting the betrayal that went on. if I were you, I would be in a semi open marriage for the rest of my life if I had to reconcile with a woman like your wife.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

badmemory said:


> I had a bad experience with the counselor I saw after Dday. Her recommendation was that I consider what I had done to cause my wife to have an affair and work on those things.
> 
> I remember she also asked me; don't you think it's possible for a woman to be in love with two men at the same time?
> 
> ...


What an utterly useless counselor !! Any bets on whether she is cheating on her H ?


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I usually don't comment once the BS chooses to reconcile. But I think in your case, you should re-examine your motives on why you reconciled. You reconciled out of fear of being alone at this age.
> 
> 
> Not sure if you can call her remorseful. The OM dumped her. She was insulting you along with the OM during the affair. They made plans to run away before he cheated her. She did sexual stuff with him she never offered you.(threesomes etc) She, like you does not want to be alone at this age. So she reverted back to her plan B, throwing you crumbs, things she repeatedly denied you during her affair.
> ...


Warlock, 

You at least have a consistent perspective on infidelity, even if not a balanced one. I've read your prior perspective on my situation as well as this one and considered it. For every empathetic and encouraging point of view found here, you eagerly provide the "two by four to the head" counterpoint. Some can provide this tough love approach without sarcasm. You apparently find this difficult. 

You think that my wife's affair, by nature of it's severity, is beyond R. She couldn't possibly be remorseful after what she did. You don't think she deserves another chance and that I've lost my self respect by even considering it. I'm a desperate codependent. I get it.

You may very well be right. If so, I'll be back looking for support from TAM members after I finally figure this out and proceed with divorce. I'll accept the "I told you so's" willingly, but I won't have any regrets for having attempted to save a 25 year marriage.

I sense that if we are able to reconcile, that you'll be disappointed at how I lowered myself to make it possible.

Fair enough. We all have our opinions.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm curious when you say you have a loving wife back. But do you have a passionate wife? She gave it all to the OM, nothing was off the table. Nothing was withheld. And now for you? Is the same offered to you?

Your wife stopped cheating, but has she brought the passion she gave to the OM to you?

As for the OM, I do hope he is on cheaterville.com


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think that in your wife's case, you should make her read out loud the entire texts that she and the OM sent each other, you should have er do this on the anniversary of Dday.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I haven't read the thread yet, but I have to say that titling it like that is just TEMPTING the Gods to show you that, though you ARE in a deep precipice...you are in fact on a LEDGE.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Warlock,
> 
> You at least have a consistent perspective on infidelity, even if not a balanced one. I've read your prior perspective on my situation as well as this one and considered it. For every empathetic and encouraging point of view found here, you eagerly provide the "two by four to the head" counterpoint. Some can provide this tough love approach without sarcasm. You apparently find this difficult.
> 
> ...


First thing.

I apologize if my post was offensive
But I think we have a misunderstanding here. I am not attacking you. And I wasn't being sarcastic or passive aggressive.. All I meant to say was that you should re-examine your decision to reconcile. You mentioned your fear of being alone being one of your reasons to reconciled in your first thread . I am not adding or insinuating any new stuff here. You should go do whatever you are most comfortable with anyway.




> You think that my wife's affair, by nature of it's severity, is beyond R.
> 
> *The betrayal was very bad from what I remember. R or not is upto you.
> *
> ...


Go read my post again when you are in a better mood.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> He bragged to her about how proud he was that he had my woman and how she would do anything for him sexually. He told her he couldn’t wait to tell me how much he enjoyed f***g her. He berated and insulted both me and his wife.



Did your loving wife elaborate on her actions as she heard this from the OM??? 


You make it seem like her thinking is:

If she knew you loved her so much she wouldn't have done what she did. And now after all her actions (extreme)she realizes that you do love her, so it was a good thing she had an affair to make her realize you do care because your still around. 

If she was looking for an emotional connection then why the orgies and the sadistic sex and humiliation? Ask her about that.



> I still can out him to his friends and (preacher) father but I think I’ve waited too long to do that. He’s already sent me a Cease and Desist letter so I have to be careful. I know that is unhealthy but I don’t care. I’m still working on my “served cold” master plan (lol).


Does a cease and desist letter matter if you contact anyone else but him and his wife? You have the evidence and the accomplice to prove it right there in your house. Expose the smug bastard anyways.


----------



## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

badmemory said:


> We are certainly trying to do that. In fact she is trying harder than I am to do different things together. Seems much of the time, all I can think about is sex.
> 
> I'm still a very introverted person and prone to isolation, so that's one of the things I know I have to work on.
> 
> Maybe I can join the Moose Lodge (joking).


I've just read this whole thread. I'm in awe of what you have been able to do. Most of all, I really admire the way you went through all of that and didn't go back to the booze. Huge respect! I wish you well.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When you look for a new counselor, find a man. Make sure he is experienced in dealing with infidelity AND PTSD. Do not discount this as a major trauma.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife got a better husband because she cheated on you. You got a better wife because she cheated on you.

So her cheating was a good thing happened for both of you.

Good luck.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> Did your loving wife elaborate on her actions as she heard this from the OM???
> 
> 
> You make it seem like her thinking is:
> ...



He need not expose the A to others by what OM wrote to OPs wife he has already bragged to all of his friends how he enjoyed ***ing OPs wife. Its already secret known to everyone.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

BTW a C&D letter is just a letter, nothing more. It's not an RO issued by a judge. It's just a whiny letter saying "Please stop or I will be pissed enough to try to do something about it".

If you are telling the truth, the C&D means nothing.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> I think that in your wife's case, you should make her read out loud the entire texts that she and the OM sent each other, you should have er do this on the anniversary of Dday.


 Excellent idea.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

badmemory said:


> Warlock,
> 
> You at least have a consistent perspective on infidelity, even if not a balanced one. I've read your prior perspective on my situation as well as this one and considered it. For every empathetic and encouraging point of view found here, you eagerly provide the "two by four to the head" counterpoint. Some can provide this tough love approach without sarcasm. You apparently find this difficult.
> 
> ...


I don't want to cause you any bad feelings.

In my humble opinion, you should deal with your insecurities first. Your fear of loneliness drove you to mend your fences and allowed your wife to come back, without any consequences. 

I realize that she is doing the heavy lifting. Goodlucks. How sure are you?
Why did she cheat in the first place? Do you have answers?
Is she repentant?

Without your dealing with insecurities, you will only be targeting symptoms and not the root cause. If she cheats again, you will still take her back?

She knows and knew that you are a solitary person. After so many years in marriage, you both should have understood each other's nature.

I still don't understand why you keep blaming yourself for your solitary nature. Does she take the blame for her cheating nature? I think you have already caved in more than what is required.

Sit down and contemplate.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks to all that have responded on my update. 

In answer to the questions about my wife's "passion"; all I can say is it is at a level that it hasn't been since our first years of marriage. Is it the same as it was when she was with the POSOM? Probably not. 

In regards to her level of remorse, as I've said before I couldn't ask her to do any more. For the last year, she's really been a better wife than she's ever been to me. So unless that changes, lack of remorse won't be the issue. The bottom line will be whether in time, I can get past what she did.

I agree with those who suggest that I have insecurity issues. That's fairly obvious. I'll be trying to find a decent counselor to work through this and I like the idea about maybe trying to find one who's a male. 

Anyway, I thank everyone for their input and perspective. Yours too Warlock.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you been to Los Angeles life men's coach, support group activities, counseling retreat community yet? Great website for men in your shoes.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Bad Memory, impressive that you could read Warlock's cutting analysis, understand it and hold on to your position, which is obviously precarious, given the depth of the hurt you suffered.

I think that if we remember our school days when a bully picked on someone, really tormented and degraded them for amusement, not everyone had the courage to stand up to them. Your wife may was in awe of a bully but inside there may have been a part of her that was horrified and even afraid. By reconciling with her you saved that element of her person who was also violated. You are now nurturing that person.

It is also not surprising that this softer part of your wife is not as passionate about sex. You don't engage her so sadistically and if you tried it probably wouldn't be you.

It is also possible that wife whole heartedly enjoyed the evil words that the OM spewed out at the time. If so, that would be very hard to accept.

It is hard to imagine how you can ever give up seeking some means of revenge against the OM; that would be an obsession for many after reading what he wrote.


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Will the pain ever leave? Yes, once she is just a memory.
will you always be aware of your naivety, yes because that
will be the hardest to forget.
If you stay, you will always be her plan B (or possibly c or d)


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Remorse, in my opinion, comes months and years later after you realize the road you took, the life altering event of the affair and how much damage did, often to the person who really loves you. I've never been much of a fan of the perp showing remorse shortly after getting caught. Most of that, I believe is fake. Remorse comes when you have time to actually realize the hurt and suffering you caused the person you really love; not the pain it caused you by getting caught and the lose you may suffer. (which is the remorse that many nabbed cheater demonstrate) is Most cheaters are never remorseful.


----------

