# Dating After Divorce...???



## nice777guy

I don't have a ton of money to sweep anyone off their feet right now. And if I DID have some extra cash laying around - I would probably be (smartly) stashing it into a couple of college funds.

What do people at "our age" expect when you are trying to get to know someone and would like to spend more time with them?

- A cup of coffee on a late Friday evening?
- Rent a DVD? You'd have to go to someone's house...
- A walk in the park? Not really my thing - but I suppose it might be fun.
- Do you ever go "Dutch" on dates to more expensive places?

How are we suppose to do this, now that we all have kids and mortgages and child support...???


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## Paradise

Was just thinking about this very same thing! Swear you guys read my mind. 

I'm in the same boat as you. Most of my paycheck each month goes towards payments on debt and that is just minimum payments. 

I have come to the realization that I'm going to have to get more creative in where/how I meet ladies. This is also a big reason why dating sites don't do much for me. Fact is, I don't feel I can compete with others right now because I do not have much money and what little I do have I cannot justify spending it on someone that most likely will only be around for a date or 2. 

Been a little frustrated the past couple of weeks thinking about this because I am officially to the point where I would like adult companionship of the opposite sex but am cut thin regarding time and money.


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## nomoretogive

nice777guy said:


> I don't have a ton of money to sweep anyone off their feet right now. And if I DID have some extra cash laying around - I would probably be (smartly) stashing it into a couple of college funds.
> 
> What do people at "our age" expect when you are trying to get to know someone and would like to spend more time with them?
> 
> - A cup of coffee on a late Friday evening?
> - Rent a DVD? You'd have to go to someone's house...
> - A walk in the park? Not really my thing - but I suppose it might be fun.
> - Do you ever go "Dutch" on dates to more expensive places?
> 
> How are we suppose to do this, now that we all have kids and mortgages and child support...???


You do it the same way you did it before. Many of us on here were young and not exactly financially stable when we started dating our spouses to begin with. You get creative  

I would love to meet for a cup of coffee and talk, or dinner and a movie at home (or out if that's your thing). See if you still have a drive-in near you (we have one) and go there to watch a movie. 

Check your local papers, especially now that summer is coming. There will be tons of free festivals and outdoor concerts and movies. We have one every year that is a Blue's Fest, and even though that isn't my first choice of music, the atmosphere is fabulous and the food to die for, so it's something I can't wait for every year. 

Sign up for Groupon and Living Social alerts. They have some awesome deals on there, and I've been able to afford things I couldn't have otherwise because of them. 

You could do fun things like bowling, putt-putting, go-karting. Sounds childish, but still a lot of fun as an adult, especially for a little friendly competition, and pretty cheap, too. 

There's fishing, paddle-boating, hiking that cost almost nothing. 

You don't need money to sweep anyone off their feet...and if you come across the type of person that gives you that impression, you don't want them anyway!


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## nice777guy

nomoretogive said:


> ...and if you come across the type of person that gives you that impression, you don't want them anyway!


True...very true...


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## Dollystanford

cook me dinner! I'll bring the wine
if it's sunny sit outside, chew the fat
walk in the woods, or on the beach, or in the park

the beautiful thing about London is you can do so much for free - all museums are free, walking down the south bank and watching the street entertainers, seeing (most) of the sights

if a woman only wants you for what you can buy her she ain't a woman at all


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## nice777guy

Dollystanford said:


> cook me dinner! I'll bring the wine
> if it's sunny sit outside, chew the fat
> walk in the woods, or on the beach, or in the park
> 
> the beautiful thing about London is you can do so much for free - all museums are free, walking down the south bank and watching the street entertainers, seeing (most) of the sights
> 
> if a woman only wants you for what you can buy her she ain't a woman at all


And there are women out there who would appreciate the time spent - and not the money...???

Plus - at "our" age - doesn't everyone have some baggage?


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## nomoretogive

nice777guy said:


> And there are women out there who would appreciate the time spent - and not the money...???
> 
> Plus - at "our" age - doesn't everyone have some baggage?


Absolutely! At this point in my life, I've grown sick of material things replacing the things that should matter, and look forward to finding someone who appreciates and understands that quality time and being able to enjoy each other's company means so much more than trying to buy my love -- or their way out of screwing up again -- with some trinket. I'm looking for substance next time, and that only comes with spending time with someone and being able to cultivate a deep relationship based on trust and thoroughly enjoying each other. I would rather be happy and in love and poor as hell than miserable but surrounded by things that don't mean anything to me. 

As for baggage, sure, we all have it, especially at this stage of our lives. I guess I prefer to think of it as wisdom, instead, though.


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## Dollystanford

nice777guy said:


> And there are women out there who would appreciate the time spent - and not the money...???
> 
> Plus - at "our" age - doesn't everyone have some baggage?


oh my gosh of course there are ha ha 

and yeah everyone has baggage at 'our age' - you could go out with some 17 year old who has no life experience and literally nothing to say....

baggage makes us more interesting!


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## Deejo

Don't 'expect' to pay for dates.

Times have changed and all. If a woman has the expectation that you 'should' pay for the pleasure of her company, then she's not terribly on the ball, and probably not worth your money.

Expect Dutch, especially on dates 1 through 3. If she tells you she has no money, then you can choose to be a gentleman, but for me? That's a red flag.

If she is annoyed by the expectation that you both pay ... then guess what? She isn't all that into you in the first place.

I'm telling you, the ice cream date is one of my favorites. I also do breakfast dates, which are usually more relaxed and less expensive.

Cooking together is almost always fun ... especially if you open a bottle of wine to boot.


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## Lon

Deejo said:


> Don't 'expect' to pay for dates.
> 
> Times have changed and all. If a woman has the expectation that you 'should' pay for the pleasure of her company, then she's not terribly on the ball, and probably not worth your money.
> 
> Expect Dutch, especially on dates 1 through 3. If she tells you she has no money, then you can choose to be a gentleman, but for me? That's a red flag.


Some have informed me that nowadays if the woman expects you to pay for the first date than you should expect to get sex (or atleast third base I'd hope) by the end of it. And yes I realize this sounds like prostitution. But if she protests having to pay for herself and you think its worth a romp with her I'd bring this idea up


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## nice777guy

Lon said:


> Some have informed me that nowadays if the woman expects you to pay for the first date than you should expect to get sex (or atleast third base I'd hope) by the end of it. And yes I realize this sounds like prostitution. But if she protests having to pay for herself and you think its worth a romp with her I'd bring this idea up


Lol!!! So the "easy" girls will just leave their wallets at home! Got it!!!


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## Lon

nice777guy said:


> Lol!!! So the "easy" girls will just leave their wallets at home! Got it!!!


I have yet to field test that theory though, so YMMV.


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## Wildflower3

I personally would love a cup of coffee date to sit and relax and talk. I love putt putt, hikes, dinner and a DVD. I'm a pretty cheap date. I think any woman would enjoy those things and not necessarily need to go out on an expensive date. I think you'd be ok! And if she's a good woman, she'd respect the fact that you have "baggage". 

I have been wondering about the dating scene a lot lately too. Like I've said before, not that I think I'm ready as I've only been separated 6 months and still emotionally up and down, but just to go out with a guy casually would be new and interesting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wildflower3

Oh, and I'd expect "dutch" on dates. Unless the guy insisted.


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## angelpixie

Yep, I'm wondering the same thing. Luckily, STBXH and I were poor when we dated, too, so we did about every free thing available and I was already a 2-for-1 coupon user. So in spite of what advice columns say, if a guy (that I knew had child support, etc., to pay) wanted to use a groupon or something like that, he11, I'd think he was just being smart. 
And I fully expect to be paying my share on dates (cuz I *don't* want to be expected to put out, LOL).


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Yep, I'm wondering the same thing. Luckily, STBXH and I were poor when we dated, too, so we did about every free thing available and I was already a 2-for-1 coupon user. So in spite of what advice columns say, if a guy (that I knew had child support, etc., to pay) wanted to use a groupon or something like that, he11, I'd think he was just being smart.
> And I fully expect to be paying my share on dates (cuz I *don't* want to be expected to put out, LOL).


Prude!!!

Just kidding of course.

I guess I'm even a bit old fashioned - I would never presume paying (or not) would influence how far a date would go. 

I also wouldn't expect sex on the first date.

Some days joining a Monastery seems like the easiest choice!!!


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## soconfused1984

yes there are ladies that don't care about the money, they just want to be happy!!! when i started dating my STBEH he came straight honest with me and told me he would love to go out and spend time with me but couldn't afford to take me any where, so most of our time we spend it walking around the university hehe! and watching movies etc. it was so fun and i had the best time! then when we got married and could afford things, he tried to buy my love and my apologies with things, gifts, romantic dinners, trips etc. trying to make up for his mistakes and that just didn't work and not working at all,.....i would rather for him to change his behaviors than take me out and all this stuff so jut FYI...there are ladies that see beyond the money and going out to expensive place.. =)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I don't date guys for their money. If they can afford to take me out that's great but honestly, I am partnered right now and my guy's in rehabilitation hospital, when I was ordering dinner for him in the hospital he would ask if I needed money to pay for it! BUT, his friends take me out and others take me out and they pay for things as they can afford it. I have a friend who can't and I volunteer at the movies and get in for free. Another friend is going to cook dinner for me. A guy I met at a play at my college took me out for coffee after and bought me some spicy fries. I just say thank you, for friends I give them a hug but I'd do that anyway. Honestly, if people want my company and have the ability to pay I am more than happy to sit and eat. I never accept an invitation unless I have the money to pay my own way. If someone was deeply in debt without a solid reason I would be concerned, otherwise money is money, I tend to be more suspicious of people that have a lot of it, or I understand that having a lot of money means less time to spend with me or on doing things for himself, that means work stress and that's most definitely a turn-off. Plus I don't like the feeling of being bought. A sure way to get rid of me would be to buy me jewelry from a chain store.


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## sweetmelinda

Lon said:


> I have yet to field test that theory though, so YMMV.




Yeah, I would expect a terrible response to that approach.


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## Lon

sweetmelinda said:


> Yeah, I would expect a terrible response to that approach.


So the women get free meals then?


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## remmons

My separation occurred on Christmas eve of 2010, the divorce became final in July 2011, and I have not dated yet. But two months before the divorce was final she was already engaged to another.


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## working_together

I guess I got really spoiled in my marriage, he was very generous, even when he didn't have any money...too bad it wasn't my love language..but that's a whole other can of worms.

I think there are a lot of cheap men out there, my mom always told me.."cheap with money, cheap with love". I kind of go with that moto. Not that I want the lavish life or anything, but if the guy can't pay for a coffee...really? especially if he asks you out..not good.

A friend of mine is on a dating site, she gives me all the goods on the right way to do things. I chuckle at her stories, but she says most men are cheap, asking for half the money for dinner etc.

I like the idea of dinner at the person's house, as long as you know them a bit. I wouldn't have anyone over for a long time, as my snoopy 22 year old son would constantly be interupting.

So if the guy asks a woman out for dinner, should he pay???


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## Dollystanford

I always think it's a bit...awkward to start splitting the bill and totting up what you each have to pay
If he asked me out I would let him pay but insist on paying the next time (if there was a next time ha ha)


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## nice777guy

working_together said:


> I guess I got really spoiled in my marriage, he was very generous, even when he didn't have any money...too bad it wasn't my love language..but that's a whole other can of worms.
> 
> I think there are a lot of cheap men out there, my mom always told me.."cheap with money, cheap with love". I kind of go with that moto. Not that I want the lavish life or anything, but if the guy can't pay for a coffee...really? especially if he asks you out..not good.
> 
> A friend of mine is on a dating site, she gives me all the goods on the right way to do things. I chuckle at her stories, but she says most men are cheap, asking for half the money for dinner etc.
> 
> I like the idea of dinner at the person's house, as long as you know them a bit. I wouldn't have anyone over for a long time, as my snoopy 22 year old son would constantly be interupting.
> 
> So if the guy asks a woman out for dinner, should he pay???


So - you have no problem with "cheap" dates - like dinner at home or a cup of coffee. You're just saying if a guy asks you "out" - he should pay...???


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## WomanScorned

The guy I'm dating now won't let me pay for dinners, even though I always ask . I guess he's old-fashioned in that respect. But I have no problem with splitting a bill.


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## angelpixie

I figure that if we just send messages back and forth and say 'Hey, let's get together for coffee,' we can split the bill, but if the guy later wants to 'officially' ask me for dinner, then he wants to pay for dinner.


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## working_together

nice777guy said:


> So - you have no problem with "cheap" dates - like dinner at home or a cup of coffee. You're just saying if a guy asks you "out" - he should pay...???


Yes, if he wants to take a woman out, he should pay, at least if it's dinner. I guess if there was a second date, I would pay for it.

And cheap dates are fine, you kind of know if the person is broke, or just plain stingy. Like if you invite them over for dinner, and they show up empty handed...tacky and cheap.


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## Deejo

Had a first date, Saturday night.

We discussed this very thing. She brought it up. She doesn't like a guy stepping up to pay ... feels like something is expected or owed in return.
We also talked about dating, marriage, kids, the one thing that always makes you smile, and the origin of why women shave their va-jay-jays, if it is in fact driven by men, or if women simply use this premise and spread the belief to other women. So she asked me ... my response?
"As long as you are sharing it ... willingly and enthusiastically, we don't care ... I certainly don't care. Laughter ensued. Yep, typical first date conversation 

She paid for the date. I let her. Said 'thank you, and I very much appreciated it.'


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## angelpixie

Gee, now I'm scared. I'm not sure if I'm ready to divulge va-jay-jay secrets on the first date. Yikes! 



ETA: Now that I read that again, it sounds like "The Divine Secrets of the Va-Jay-Jay Sisterhood" or something. :rofl:


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## Deejo

She brought it up ... not me. 

My dating focus? Have fun. Be fun. Smile. It becomes contagious. And if it doesn't? Dump them like a bad habit.

But see ... now you have a great story to tell to a guy you are really interested in on a first date.

And you can put him on the spot if you choose and see how he responds.

Or ... you can swap war stories about exe's ... which of those two subjects sounds more likely to induce a smile and a laugh?

For the record, do NOT talk about ex's on first dates.


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## angelpixie

Holy Crap!!! I have a date! Tuesday at lunchtime. Someone from one of the dating sites. We chatted online for about an hour and fifteen minutes. He's got kids who are with him half the time, and that time is almost exactly the opposite of when I have DS, so weekday lunch was about the best we could do, LOL. 
And, OMG, I asked him to meet. This probably sounds really dorky to you guys, but I have NEVER asked anyone out before. In. My. Life. 
And, Nice, I will be paying for my own coffee.


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## Lon

Sounds good Angel! hope you have a fun time


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## Paradise

Angel, don't get kicked out of the coffee shop for making out like a couple of teens!!!!!

Actually, who cares.....Go for it!


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## nice777guy

Go get 'em!!!


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## Dollystanford

:woohoo:


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## OldGirl

I wanna hear all about it


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## angelpixie

OldGirl said:


> I wanna hear all about it


Well, y'all on TAM were the first ones I wanted to tell when we made the date, so I won't just leave you hanging.


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates

Wow... according to Lons reply I would assume if your paying and if you make it that ice cream date hope you get her at least 2 flavors if she has to put out after


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## remmons

nice777guy said:


> I don't have a ton of money to sweep anyone off their feet right now. And if I DID have some extra cash laying around - I would probably be (smartly) stashing it into a couple of college funds.
> 
> What do people at "our age" expect when you are trying to get to know someone and would like to spend more time with them?
> 
> - A cup of coffee on a late Friday evening?
> - Rent a DVD? You'd have to go to someone's house...
> - A walk in the park? Not really my thing - but I suppose it might be fun.
> - Do you ever go "Dutch" on dates to more expensive places?
> 
> How are we suppose to do this, now that we all have kids and mortgages and child support...???





Paradise said:


> Was just thinking about this very same thing! Swear you guys read my mind.
> 
> I'm in the same boat as you. Most of my paycheck each month goes towards payments on debt and that is just minimum payments.
> 
> I have come to the realization that I'm going to have to get more creative in where/how I meet ladies. This is also a big reason why dating sites don't do much for me. Fact is, I don't feel I can compete with others right now because I do not have much money and what little I do have I cannot justify spending it on someone that most likely will only be around for a date or 2.
> 
> Been a little frustrated the past couple of weeks thinking about this because I am officially to the point where I would like adult companionship of the opposite sex but am cut thin regarding time and money.


I did a rewind back to the beginning here and started to re-read the topic and the posts. I am in the same boat here, old student loans, child support, alimony, federal and state taxes....I am overwhelmed with debt. I was afraid of dating due to all of this anxiety of my debt, but I had a friend tell me that if my "date" truly understood she wouldn't worry about my financial status. But, as we all know, having some money is a must.

Back to the subject here. It has always been my rule to pay for the first date, and any date there after until she wanted to pay. I have went on some lunch dates with a friend of mine, and we traded turns on who bought. We never progressed beyond a friendship, we both still had things to work on.


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## Deejo

There are harsh realities at play here.

I purposely stepped out of the dating pool for over a year to get back on financial track.

My divorce was financial armageddon. I inherited ALL of the debt, by virtue of the fact that she had no way to pay it.

If you are up to your eye-balls in debt, or 'between jobs' ... then don't date ... period. Get your house in order.

To think that the 'right person' will understand, or won't care is simply naive. They may say they don't care ... but they do. And they should.

Keep in mind, that if you are divorced, those that you are likely seeing are also divorced. They know that it can be very difficult to recover ... therefore, where you stand financially says a lot. And there is a difference between someone who is getting by and is a home owner, and someone who is struggling to make rent. Nobody wants it to matter ... but it does.

You don't need to be rich or drive a sportscar, but picking up an occasional tab for a date should not induce anxiety.

And once you have transitioned from introductory dates, having dinner and a movie over at each others place is the norm.


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## Lon

Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates said:


> Wow... according to Lons reply I would assume if your paying and if you make it that ice cream date hope you get her at least 2 flavors if she has to put out after


Two flavors = second base?

btw this isn't my rule, just what I've heard from a few sources. I personally would never try following such a thing, I don't think I'm really capable of having expectations of physical contact by simply offering to foot the bill.


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## CandieGirl

Just be very aware that nothing is more of a turnoff than a man sitting there pretending he hasn't noticed that the waitress has brought the check...Money isn't hugely important to me; but once, years ago, when my boyfriend of 6 months mutely stared at the bill waiting for me to pick up the tab...well, like I said. Turnoff.

Be creative. Go places that aren't outrageously expensive. But unless she offers to start going dutch, dont go there. It's a turnoff (my opinion only).


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## Deejo

CandieGirl said:


> But unless she offers to start going dutch, dont go there. It's a turnoff (my opinion only).


Therefore, an invaluable tool to make use of when you are trying to ditch someone ... Always think of the up-side.


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## Deejo

angelpixie said:


> Holy Crap!!! I have a date! Tuesday at lunchtime. Someone from one of the dating sites. We chatted online for about an hour and fifteen minutes. He's got kids who are with him half the time, and that time is almost exactly the opposite of when I have DS, so weekday lunch was about the best we could do, LOL.
> And, OMG, I asked him to meet. This probably sounds really dorky to you guys, but I have NEVER asked anyone out before. In. My. Life.
> And, Nice, I will be paying for my own coffee.


Holy Crap!

You hound-dog! No, no ... I think it's wonderful you took the initiative.

And when you get there and make the realization that the photos on his profile are 15 years old, just say, "I'm sorry, I thought I was meeting your son ..."


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## CandieGirl

Deejo said:


> Therefore, an invaluable tool to make use of when you are trying to ditch someone ... Always think of the up-side.


Yuck. Lol.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> And when you get there and make the realization that the photos on his profile are 15 years old, just say, "I'm sorry, I thought I was meeting your son ..."


:rofl:


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## remmons

Deejo said:


> There are harsh realities at play here.
> 
> If you are up to your eye-balls in debt, or 'between jobs' ... then don't date ... period. Get your house in order.
> 
> To think that the 'right person' will understand, or won't care is simply naive. They may say they don't care ... but they do. And they should.
> 
> Nobody wants it to matter ... but it does.
> 
> You don't need to be rich or drive a sportscar, but picking up an occasional tab for a date should not induce anxiety.


Thank you for the reality check. This is probably the main reason that I have not dated yet. I have a budget set up to where I can have some spending money. I usually have enough to put away into a savings, but sometimes I apply it towards a bill to help reduce a debt. Thus far, it is working well, without having to take up a second job.

Very recently (just last night) a young lady had expressed an interest in me. I had informed her that I want to take this slow, get my bearings, to establish a foundation of where I would want for this to take me. Yes, there have been a few others who have had an interest in me too, but I have simply told them that I am not dating at this time. This, unfortunately, is probably hurting them, making them feel inadequate, unworthy, or unwanted. I try to explain to them that I am simply getting my life back in order from a recent divorce. This seems to lessen the impact some, but I still feel that they are hurt by me turning them down. (The old me would have dated them all and tried four flavors of ice cream, if you get my drift).


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## nice777guy

remmons said:


> Thank you for the reality check. This is probably the main reason that I have not dated yet. I have a budget set up to where I can have some spending money. I usually have enough to put away into a savings, but sometimes I apply it towards a bill to help reduce a debt. Thus far, it is working well, without having to take up a second job.
> 
> Very recently (just last night) a young lady had expressed an interest in me. I had informed her that I want to take this slow, get my bearings, to establish a foundation of where I would want for this to take me. Yes, there have been a few others who have had an interest in me too, but I have simply told them that I am not dating at this time. This, unfortunately, is probably hurting them, making them feel inadequate, unworthy, or unwanted. I try to explain to them that I am simply getting my life back in order from a recent divorce. This seems to lessen the impact some, but I still feel that they are hurt by me turning them down. (The old me would have dated them all and tried four flavors of ice cream, if you get my drift).


The one twist I've heard on this is that many people will understand how difficult divorce is - financially and emotionally. And maybe right now - like me - you're driving the old "family truckster" because its PAID FOR.

The twist being that if they know that you have a plan in place and can see evidence of that plan - maybe they will understand the difference between setting goals and being on a budget v. being a cheapskate.

And bottom line - for me - if I had a lot of extra cash floating around - it would be getting stashed into a college fund - and not on overpriced meals at fancy restaurants or flowers that die a week later.

If I can find a woman who understands and respects this - then maybe I've found someone who I'll know is incredible.


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## Deejo

I drive a Hyundai.

All I'm saying, is that YOU need to be aware of, and OK with where you are at.

You don't need to give a fig ... and you shouldn't, about what any potential 'date' thinks.

Remember the caveat that you KNOW you are worthwhile. Never, ever, ever, go into a date thinking 'I hope she likes me.' Because that is what you will focus on, rather than actually enjoying yourself and being the guy or girl, he or she will like.

My great dates, vastly outweigh my bad dates. And if you become familiar with indicators of interest, both verbal and non-verbal, as well as body language ... then you don't have to waste time wondering, "I hope she likes me ..."

Overall, I advocate for being master of your destiny ... because for better or worse, you are the only one qualified for the job.

Don't over-invest in somebody elses feelings ... especially at the cost of your own.

I had a great time Saturday. In fact I really hope this turns into something more. I am very attracted to her.

But ... that doesn't mean I'm cancelling my date with another woman for this Saturday as a result.

Rule of 3!


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## nice777guy

Just a side note - somewhat. Its amazing out of all the comments about my divorce - I think I've had 2 or 3 people comment on my getting the old Caravan out of the deal.

If that were really the WORST part of it - I'd be ****ting rainbows!!!

As long as the radio and A/C work and it can get me where I need to be - I'm fine!!!

And if I ever actually HAVE a ton of money - no one's going to see me flaunting it anyway.


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## Lon

nice777guy said:


> Just a side note - somewhat. Its amazing out of all the comments about my divorce - I think I've had 2 or 3 people comment on my getting the old Caravan out of the deal.
> 
> If that were really the WORST part of it - I'd be ****ting rainbows!!!
> 
> As long as the radio and A/C work and it can get me where I need to be - I'm fine!!!
> 
> And if I ever actually HAVE a ton of money - no one's going to see me flaunting it anyway.


My old mopar van got crashed, I'm glad, it was so cheap to drive I probably never would have replaced it - was doing my image severe disservice!


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## Dollystanford

when you say 'got crashed' do you mean you crashed it?


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## remmons

nice777guy said:


> The one twist I've heard on this is that many people will understand how difficult divorce is - financially and emotionally. And maybe right now - like me - you're driving the old "family truckster" because its PAID FOR.
> 
> The twist being that if they know that you have a plan in place and can see evidence of that plan - maybe they will understand the difference between setting goals and being on a budget v. being a cheapskate.
> 
> And bottom line - for me - if I had a lot of extra cash floating around - it would be getting stashed into a college fund - and not on overpriced meals at fancy restaurants or flowers that die a week later.
> 
> If I can find a woman who understands and respects this - then maybe I've found someone who I'll know is incredible.


I really don't have a ton of cash floating around. I have enough to where I can get a tire fixed, or replace my brakes, or get an oil change if I ever needed to. But if I ever blow an engine, then I am screwed on replacing it.

My primary mode of transportation used to be my 1968 Chevy 1/2 ton pickup. EFI, Disc brakes, A/C, are not even in the book. My newer daily driver is a 1988 Jeep Wrangler that practically took me two years to build up. It does have EFI and front discs, but no A/C. But then again, it's a Jeep, so who needs A/C?

My older kids are a lost cause for college. They would rather piss their life away drinking beer and smoking. Even my second youngest daughter had expressed to me and her mother that she will not go to college. The only one who might go to college is my youngest daughter from my second marriage. But she is only five now, so who knows what her plans will be for the future. The best that I can do now is to encourage her to go and start saving up.

I do not pass myself off, nor do I pretend, to be someone that I am not. I am who I am, and if no one can accept me for who I am, they are living in a fairy tale. My last X was expecting a prince Charming to come riding in on his white stallion and sweep her off her feet. She has been living a Cinderella story for as long as her dad cam remember. I am no prince charming. I am an honest, responsible, hard working man who meets and fulfills his obligations. If a woman wants me for more than what I am, they are going to be disappointed. I am comfortable with who I am. I do not put on a mask in the morning and pretend to be somebody that I am not. I am determined to better myself in life, one day at a time.


----------



## angelpixie

Had an IC appointment today, and of course my impending date came up in the conversation. She brought up an interesting point to consider for my future. Do I want to actually live with someone again? I've gotten to like living on my own. For example, I know I'm a clutterer. I always have 40 projects going on at one time.I can clean up when I need to, but at this point in my life, I accept that that is who I am. The chances of finding someone who will be OK with that is not very good. STBXH is also a clutterer, so you'd think he'd have been OK with it, but he was still really critical of me (not of himself, mind you). 
She asked me to think about how I'd feel just having a long-term monogamous relationship where we didn't live together. That kind of appeals to me. It would probably make things easier for my son, too. Especially since his father has a habit of diving headlong into every new relationship (me, his EAs, the OW) and that will be hard enough for DS to deal with over and over. 
What would you all think of a relationship like that? Do you think you could achieve a true intimate (not just sexual) SO relationship if you didn't live together?


----------



## Lon

Dollystanford said:


> when you say 'got crashed' do you mean you crashed it?


Well I was in it, behind the wheel even, when the front end of it got crashed into by the passenger side of another minivan. But I reserve the title of being crashee, credit for being the crasher goes to the drunk driver of the other vehicle for pulling a left turn at such an inopportune time.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Had an IC appointment today, and of course my impending date came up in the conversation. She brought up an interesting point to consider for my future. Do I want to actually live with someone again? I've gotten to like living on my own. For example, I know I'm a clutterer. I always have 40 projects going on at one time.I can clean up when I need to, but at this point in my life, I accept that that is who I am. The chances of finding someone who will be OK with that is not very good. STBXH is also a clutterer, so you'd think he'd have been OK with it, but he was still really critical of me (not of himself, mind you).
> She asked me to think about how I'd feel just having a long-term monogamous relationship where we didn't live together. That kind of appeals to me. It would probably make things easier for my son, too. Especially since his father has a habit of diving headlong into every new relationship (me, his EAs, the OW) and that will be hard enough for DS to deal with over and over.
> What would you all think of a relationship like that? Do you think you could achieve a true intimate (not just sexual) SO relationship if you didn't live together?


First thing that comes to mind is that you haven't even been on this date yet! Hope you don't plan on telling this guy that you're not sure you want him to move in! 

I know someone who is doing something like this. He truly loves the woman he's with - but also LOVES being able to go to his own home some nights - and to have his own home for when his son is visiting.

So - yes - I think it could work if both people wanted it to.


----------



## proudwidaddy

Angel,
That is a great question to ponder. I'm not there yet but I don't know personally if I could. I like the fact of making a home with the other person, veing with them for those moments that only seem to happen when you live together. That being said, with two children it would be awhile before I considered that option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## angelpixie

Nice -- LOL, no I'm not thinking about the guy I'm meeting tomorrow. This is something we've been talking about for a while. Trying to figure out who I am, separate from STBXH and how I planned and viewed my life before we split. Now that everything has changed, we figured it's a good time to re-examine everything and find out who angelpixie really is. 

I'm not even sure what to say or what I'm going to wear tomorrow, but you can be sure we're not going to talk about long-term relationships -- or va-jay-jays, either (like on deejo's date).


----------



## nice777guy

^Prude!!!


----------



## remmons

nice777guy said:


> And there are women out there who would appreciate the time spent - and not the money...???
> 
> Plus - at "our" age - doesn't everyone have some baggage?


At "our age", this is making me feel "old".

I agree, we all have baggage once we hit our thirties, some even in their twenties. My oldest daughter is 23. She has two kids and was divorced 1-1/2 years ago. That poor girl already has baggage.

I am a simple man. I don't want or need anything bought for me anymore. Not for my birthday, not for fathers day, not for Christmas. I would rather just have time spent. To me, this is more meaningful than presents and gifts.


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## angelpixie

I'm back! No spark in person (we IM'ed for another 2 hours last night and much flirting occurred), but that's OK. He was nice. We just didn't have as much in common as I think we both thought we would. 
But I made it through my first 'date.' And, for the record, since I invited him, I paid.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I'm back! No spark in person (we IM'ed for another 2 hours last night and much flirting occurred), but that's OK. He was nice. We just didn't have as much in common as I think we both thought we would.
> But I made it through my first 'date.' And, for the record, since I invited him, I paid.


Very cool!!!


----------



## Deejo

angelpixie said:


> I'm back! No spark in person (we IM'ed for another 2 hours last night and much flirting occurred), but that's OK. He was nice. We just didn't have as much in common as I think we both thought we would.
> But I made it through my first 'date.' And, for the record, since I invited him, I paid.


Congratulations. Have had that happen myself. Talked with a woman almost daily for 2 weeks. Met ... zero chemistry.

So ... I instituted the one week rule. After we have touched base via email, IM, or phone, twice, I ask for the date. The point is meeting in person, not being pen-pals. 

To me, it's a waste of time and energy to become emotionally invested in someone that you haven't actually met and spent some time with. Have learned that from experience.

Although in the scheme of things, there is something to be said about conducting 'banter' and flirting. Hope you learned a few things.


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## angelpixie

Deejo said:


> Although in the scheme of things, there is something to be said about conducting 'banter' and flirting. Hope you learned a few things.


Yep -- that I can still flirt, and that it's fun!


----------



## mr. blue

How do you guys feel about “chemistry vs. having a lot in common”? 

It’s been confusing for me... one woman is perfect on paper, but I feel a lack of spark, the other I am totally drawn to, but we are very different, and I worry it’s just newest and lust, and once it wears off, I’d be better off with one who looks good on paper.

:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


----------



## Paradise

@ mr. blue

I've actually thought about this and there doesn't appear to be any correct answer. But, at this point in my life either option A or option B is ok, but if I were looking for a long term partner then only the sum of both parts will suffice. Now, can chemistry be built? I believe in some situations it can but the fact is to find the person you are going to want to be with for life means that the stars are going to align and both people are going to like the good and the bad that comes with the other. 

I know for certain, however, that I am very hesitant to ever fall into a trap of equating "lust" for "love." Been down that road once now and it burned the hell out of me.


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## angelpixie

mr. blue said:


> How do you guys feel about “chemistry vs. having a lot in common”?
> 
> It’s been confusing for me... one woman is perfect on paper, but I feel a lack of spark, the other I am totally drawn to, but we are very different, and I worry it’s just newest and lust, and once it wears off, I’d be better off with one who looks good on paper.
> 
> :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


Well, today taught me that the whole '% match' thing is not foolproof by a long shot, LOL. Answering questions or tests similarly doesn't really guarantee that you'll have anything to talk about once you meet in person.


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## Dollystanford

got to be a spark, you don't have a relationship on paper


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## Marielle

mr. blue said:


> *How do you guys feel about “chemistry vs. having a lot in common”?
> *
> It’s been confusing for me... one woman is perfect on paper, but I feel a lack of spark, the other I am totally drawn to, but we are very different, and I worry it’s just newest and lust, and once it wears off, I’d be better off with one who looks good on paper.
> 
> :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


In my experience, chemistry (and a lot of it) has to be in place or the stuff in common won't carry the relationship too far. I need great chemistry as well as commonality. And then some.


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## angelpixie

Just tried another first date with someone I met online. Another situation where the online chit chat seemed fine, only to meet in person and have zero, and I mean zero chemistry. It would be like dating my much older uncle. Problem is, he is apparently into me. I got a message this morning asking if we could meet more privately because he thinks kissing me would take his breath away. I'm flattered, but, um, no. And I seriously don't want to hurt the guy. 

I think I'm done dating for now. I just don't have very many opportunities to meet guys 'organically,' so I don't have much hope that I'll just happen upon someone that I can become friends with first, and develop a chemistry with the old fashioned way. And it doesn't seem like guys that I'd like are online. Between this and my visit to the lawyer yesterday, I am really feeling like the stbxh is getting everything he wanted out of this split, and I will end up broke, alone, and living a sh!tty life. Sigh. And the day has just begun...


----------



## WomanScorned

Sorry to hear things aren't going too well on the dating front, angel. Online dating is fraught with weirdness, I would agree. But in this age it's a good way to meet people, I think. If I waited for an 'organic' relationship I'd be dead before it happened.


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## angelpixie

So you feel you've had some success with online dating? How have you decided who you'd respond to? I think there may be a problem in who I'm choosing.


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## Shooboomafoo

I signed up for a match.com acct and poked around for a few months. I got a few winks and whatever, but wasnt really successful finding someone to really chat with. Most women reminded me of an aunt or something, or, their income requirements were only matched by pictures of themselves and some other dude. WTF would they post a picture of themselves with some other guy?
Oh well. Not into "trains" if you know what I mean.

Im holding out for an organic meeting. I gotta see with my own two eyes and hope to find someone with a common sense of humor.
I need someone goofy and fun and not prone to positioning themselves as my "character cop". I handle my business, but god, my ex literally squashed so much of the fun we could have had.


----------



## angelpixie

That's what I'd love, too, shoo. Someone who likes me because they *already* know me. I feel like I try to be myself when I'm IMing with someone online, or when we do get together, but the guys have been so far from the way they've portrayed themselves. That's why I wonder if I'm missing something when I read their descriptions, or what?


----------



## Lon

yeah online dating is just weird. I pretty much have tried figuring out how it works. I will continue to check out profiles, reply to the ones I like, occasionally write different things on mine to change it up, but it will be completely random and I'm not going to invest any more energy into it.


----------



## Deejo

More Deejo dating advice ...

By no means do I claim to be an expert on dating, anymore than I claim to be an expert on divorce.
I have just already trod this ground, and hope that my experiences my be helpful to others.

So here is what I think ...

1. Most people, particularly guys, have no idea how to date.

2. Be selfish. Be particular. This is about you, finding the qualities that you want in someone else.

But ...

3. Be honest. Be respectful. Be aware. The dating trenches are littered with people that have no business
making an emotional investment in someone else. Unfortunately, sometimes they don't make that discovery
until another person has already made an emotional investment in them ...

4. You can't feel 'bad' about a lack of mutual interest resulting from a first date.

5. If it's obvious that there is no chemistry, but the person you saw is 'into you', then
they just aren't paying attention, or they are desperate.

6. Treat dating more like a game rather than looking for love or a soul-mate. Trust me, takes the pressure off.

7. You WILL get rejected or ignored. See point 6 above.

8. Don't talk about your ex or your divorce on a first date ... unless you are looking to tank the date.
That being the case, you may use it as a strategic tool 

9. Be fun. Have fun. I have met people that have their guard up, and after hearing some of the stories
from women regarding dating sites and men, I can understand why ... but, if you want to be out there,
treating a date like an interrogation session may weed out a few losers, but it can also put off a potential
partner.

10. Don't go overboard on emails and IM's prior to actually meeting the person. If a guy hasn't asked for a date within a week,
or if a woman hedges on a date after several points of contact ... move on.


----------



## Deejo

Deejo's Online Dating Code:

For dudes:

1. Don't send winks. Winks are for cowards or date spammers.
(A woman sending you a wink is a different matter. Just make sure it's not a porn scam.
That hot 27 year old with only 1 profile pic and speaking in pidgin English, is in fact, too good to be true)

2. Make emails brief and concise. State something that indicates that you read the profile.
Don't tell your life's story ... just don't. End with a question. If you don't get a response, move on.

3. Never send another email if your first hasn't garnered a response.

4. Don't click on 'Yes, I'm interested' on any of your daily matches. That person gets an immediate
notification that you are interested, thus they know that you 'found' them via a 'match batch'.
Don't know why this turns women off ... but it does. Trust me. Click on 'Maybe' instead, and then send them a 'hello' email.

5. Read the woman's WHOLE profile. If you have kids and she doesn't want kids, or if she wants kids and you don't, and you send an email; right out of 
the gate you are demonstrating that you don't pay attention.

6. (Personal) I ignore all profiles that have no photos or do not contain a full body-shot. I have a very specific attraction radar. Nuff said.
Therefore ... YOU would be wise to include a full body-shot. Don't list your salary. Women often will list their salary or salary requirements for a partner.
If you are on Match and don't have a job ... get off Match and go get a job.

For Chicks:

1. Ignore Winks 

2. You will be inundated with contacts. 95% of them you will likely ignore ... for good reason.

3. Trust your gut. Look at the written word coming from a guy, determine if it's in alignment with his profile. Can he spell? 
Does he at least appear to be intelligent, even if he looks like George Clooney or Zac Effron. If it doesn't feel right, ignore it or report it.
If a guy thinks throwing sexual inuendo into email #3 is the way to win you over, throw him on the heap ... unless of course you want to have sex with him.
I have heard some absolute doosies ... in terms of what guys will send to women.

4. Include a picture with a smile, choose the applicable body-type. False advertising for either sex just mean everybody ends up disappointed. Don't say, 'Writing about myself is hard ...' in your profile.

5. It's OK to have high standards. The odds are GREATLY in your favor, in terms of choosing, or selecting whom you wish to correspond with.

6. Be safe. Never, ever, have someone pick you up at your home on a first date. If a guy asks you to pick him up because 'his car is in the shop', or 'he let his friend/family member
borrow it, and wants you to pick him up', that's another huge red, flag. Let someone know where you're going, and maybe even have them call you as a fail-safe.


----------



## Deejo

Forgot the Rule of 3 ...

Never isolate your correspondence or dating options to ONE person.

Consistently shoot to have an ongoing contact/dating pool of at least 3 individuals. 

This doesn't make you a playboy/playgirl. It makes you smart.

Not putting all of your dating eggs in one basket is a self-protection measure for your well-being and self-esteem.

Once you have been on a few dates with each, you will have a far better idea of whom you might like to pursue something more with.

I will tell you from experience that approaching online dating like a conventional or organic relationship is fraught with hazard.

Narrow down your dating pool AFTER you have met and established that organic connection. The point of online dating is to introduce you to a pool of people that you simply otherwise might never meet.

What happens after you meet them, is as organic as it gets ...


----------



## remmons

Deejo said:


> Deejo's Online Dating Code:
> 
> For dudes:
> 
> 1. Don't send winks. Winks are for cowards or date spammers.
> (A woman sending you a wink is a different matter. Just make sure it's not a porn scam.
> That hot 27 year old with only 1 profile pic and speaking in pidgin English, is in fact, too good to be true)
> 
> 2. Make emails brief and concise. State something that indicates that you read the profile.
> Don't tell your life's story ... just don't. End with a question. If you don't get a response, move on.
> 
> 3. Never send another email if your first hasn't garnered a response.
> 
> 4. Don't click on 'Yes, I'm interested' on any of your daily matches. That person gets an immediate
> notification that you are interested, thus they know that you 'found' them via a 'match batch'.
> Don't know why this turns women off ... but it does. Trust me. Click on 'Maybe' instead, and then send them a 'hello' email.
> 
> 5. Read the woman's WHOLE profile. If you have kids and she doesn't want kids, or if she wants kids and you don't, and you send an email; right out of
> the gate you are demonstrating that you don't pay attention.
> 
> 6. (Personal) I ignore all profiles that have no photos or do not contain a full body-shot. I have a very specific attraction radar. Nuff said.
> Therefore ... YOU would be wise to include a full body-shot. Don't list your salary. Women often will list their salary or salary requirements for a partner.
> If you are on Match and don't have a job ... get off Match and go get a job.


Cool! I have been doing it right! (When I happen to "feel" the dating websites to check out who is out there). Of course, this is based on YOUR list of suggestions that just so happen to coincide with my beliefs. The next expert's advice will vary, of course, but I feel that they will all fall under the same general parameters.

1. I don't wink, that is just stupid to do anyway.
2. Short and sweet is the way I like it. I have to sometimes re-read and edit before I send.
3. Never sent a second if first was not answered.
4. Never clicked on "yes", this is showing too much interest way too soon.
5. Read the WHOLE profile, this sometimes tells me what I need to know before I am even interested.
6. Pictures of faces with Glamour Shots is a definite red flag to me. Yes, there are some women who want to show their beauty, but I prefer the face that I will be seeing every day.:thumbup:


----------



## Lon

my only issue with the rule of 3 is that I'm out of matches - it seems no matter what I change its the same few dozen women that pop up, maybe my city is just not populated enough... all the ones I can find I like I've already contacted, so now its simply a matter of waiting until new ones join, which feels desperate to me, which is why I'm kinda quitting the whole online thing (oh its funny, all the different free dating sites have all the same women, same profile descriptions same pics etc so basically I'm done with it cause there really isn't more lol).


----------



## remmons

Lon said:


> my only issue with the rule of 3 is that I'm out of matches - it seems no matter what I change its the same few dozen women that pop up, maybe my city is just not populated enough... all the ones I can find I like I've already contacted, so now its simply a matter of waiting until new ones join, which feels desperate to me, which is why I'm kinda quitting the whole online thing (oh its funny, all the different free dating sites have all the same women, same profile descriptions same pics etc so basically I'm done with it cause there really isn't more lol).


I am in the same boat as you are. My town is small, so there really isn't much to choose from, unless I change my range to 90 miles, then I get more results. BUT, am I really willing to travel 90 miles to have a date that could flop? Is it worth the chance? If I make a day of it and plan on doing something else then this may be feasible. Also to add, most of what I see online are ones who can't land a date due to "issues", "not very attractive", do not have the right qualifications, or have "excess weight".

I met a young lady once online who had a very pretty face, but never saw the rest of her. Even on a meeting she did not get out of her vehicle. Once I had finally met her outside of her vehicle, she was very heavy. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the heavy ones as long as they take care of their selves, like this one did. I still dated her, even had sex with her (she had the biggest set of twins that I have ever saw, but this is not why I dated her). But we did not click, we were both looking for something different.


----------



## one_strange_otter

I'm doing an in-house separation and the lack of intimacy since d-day is killing me but we promised not to date until we are physically in separate houses and even then she would like the divorce to be official. When I have alone time on weekends out and about in the big city I find myself wanting to hit on girls really badly. But Deejo's advice about online dating sounds fantastic and makes me feel a little more comfortable about putting my electronic self out there. ( and it always sounds better if Ron Burgundy is saying it...)


----------



## Deejo

one_strange_otter said:


> ( and it always sounds better if Ron Burgundy is saying it...)


----------



## Hoosier

Ok, I have done the Match thing, and it almost works to well for me. Maybe it is the fact that in my job I talk to strangers everyday and that translates to being able to talk to women. (Married 30 years never dated anyone except my XW until 6 months ago) Have met a number of very nice ladies who I enjoy their company but no "matches". I think that I dont fear rejection (part of my job) at all and that comes thru when we talk. My question: How is the best way to say, "hey you are really nice, I like you, but you are not the one for me on an exclusive basis"...without hurting their feelings? How do you "disengage"?


----------



## one_strange_otter

Deejo said:


>


You stay classy TAM......

yeah, i read every post you have in that voice...


----------



## one_strange_otter

Hoosier said:


> Ok, I have done the Match thing, and it almost works to well for me. Maybe it is the fact that in my job I talk to strangers everyday and that translates to being able to talk to women. (Married 30 years never dated anyone except my XW until 6 months ago) Have met a number of very nice ladies who I enjoy their company but no "matches". I think that I dont fear rejection (part of my job) at all and that comes thru when we talk. My question: How is the best way to say, "hey you are really nice, I like you, but you are not the one for me on an exclusive basis"...without hurting their feelings? How do you "disengage"?


Sounds like the way you worded the exit is perfect to me. Short, to the point......I don't think they like being drug out for a long time and not knowing. Your date may be just as anxious to move onto the next match as much as you are.


----------



## nice777guy

Is Match the only worthwhile site?


----------



## one_strange_otter

nice777guy said:


> Is Match the only worthwhile site?


Of my friends that date I'm told ******* is a close second. Dont' know anyone using eharmony.


----------



## Hoosier

In Indiana SeniorPeopleMeet.com - #1 Dating Community for Seniors is another good site.


----------



## angelpixie

one_strange_otter said:


> You stay classy TAM......
> 
> yeah, i read every post you have in that voice...


Same here! I don't even have to try, it just happens. :rofl:


----------



## angelpixie

one_strange_otter said:


> Of my friends that date I'm told ******* is a close second. Dont' know anyone using eharmony.


I'm on *******. There seem to be a lot of the same people on both. ******* has a free membership, so I wonder if you'll find more people whose money is too tight to spend for a monthly membership. Just a thought. 

OK, while you guys are congregated, I have a serious question for you (so, fight the urge to make comments, LOL ). How would you feel if you saw that someone limited her age range to guys no older than she is, or even a couple of years younger than she is? My stbxh is 10 years younger than I am, and because I was pretty much out of any kind of life for most of my 20's, I never felt like there was much of an age difference between us and neither did he (until he turned into a jerk). People who knew us were often shocked when they found out how far apart we actually are. Even my own friends forget and think I'm at least 5 years younger.

The guys I see online who are even a year or two older are (and I finally got the word I wanted) stodgy, almost like from a different generation. My son is still in lower grade school, and they have kids who are married or in college. I just don't even want them to show up in my matches, but I seriously don't want to be looked at as a 'cougar.' I'm afraid they look at my chronological age and think I'm more like them. Does that make sense? I think this may be a real problem for me.


----------



## one_strange_otter

angelpixie said:


> I'm on *******. There seem to be a lot of the same people on both. ******* has a free membership, so I wonder if you'll find more people whose money is too tight to spend for a monthly membership. Just a thought.
> 
> OK, while you guys are congregated, I have a serious question for you (so, fight the urge to make comments, LOL ). How would you feel if you saw that someone limited her age range to guys no older than she is, or even a couple of years younger than she is? My stbxh is 10 years younger than I am, and because I was pretty much out of any kind of life for most of my 20's, I never felt like there was much of an age difference between us and neither did he (until he turned into a jerk). People who knew us were often shocked when they found out how far apart we actually are. Even my own friends forget and think I'm at least 5 years younger.
> 
> The guys I see online who are even a year or two older are (and I finally got the word I wanted) stodgy, almost like from a different generation. My son is still in lower grade school, and they have kids who are married or in college. I just don't even want them to show up in my matches, but I seriously don't want to be looked at as a 'cougar.' I'm afraid they look at my chronological age and think I'm more like them. Does that make sense? I think this may be a real problem for me.



Personally I think the beauty of online dating is that you can set your preferences. You want to date 10-15 years in either direction? No problem. After all it's about what you want right? Not what other people think about. You can't do anything about how people view your relationship from the outside. I think the whole cougar thing is being overused. I always thought of a cougar as someone who was only after sex with youger guys, not a long term relationship. You like who you like and it's only your choice to decide who that is.

I have several female friends in their mid twentie's who all say they are more attracted to mid-30's and up because they are just mature. All the guys their age are still in college party mode and can't hold a conversation. And you can guarantee to turn heads and raise eybrows if your dating 15 yrs apart. But you also can't do anything to stop it except stop seeing that person but again....what makes you happy is more important than you making people you don't know happy. I'm 36 and I would like to think anything but stodgy.


----------



## angelpixie

Oh, from what you said, Otter, I realize that my post may have been confusing (that comes from thinking everyone already knows what's going on in your own head, LOL). My comment about my 20s was more to illustrate why I got together with someone younger in the first place. I am actually in my mid 40s. So, that's where I wonder if the cougar thing comes in. I would not think 36 would be stodgy at all, and if a guy that age had kids, they'd be more likely to be the same age as mine, too.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I'm on *******. There seem to be a lot of the same people on both. ******* has a free membership, so I wonder if you'll find more people whose money is too tight to spend for a monthly membership. Just a thought.
> 
> OK, while you guys are congregated, I have a serious question for you (so, fight the urge to make comments, LOL ). How would you feel if you saw that someone limited her age range to guys no older than she is, or even a couple of years younger than she is? My stbxh is 10 years younger than I am, and because I was pretty much out of any kind of life for most of my 20's, I never felt like there was much of an age difference between us and neither did he (until he turned into a jerk). People who knew us were often shocked when they found out how far apart we actually are. Even my own friends forget and think I'm at least 5 years younger.
> 
> The guys I see online who are even a year or two older are (and I finally got the word I wanted) stodgy, almost like from a different generation. My son is still in lower grade school, and they have kids who are married or in college. I just don't even want them to show up in my matches, but I seriously don't want to be looked at as a 'cougar.' I'm afraid they look at my chronological age and think I'm more like them. Does that make sense? I think this may be a real problem for me.


Cougar - pretty much!!!

:smthumbup:


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## nice777guy

Honestly - if I was close to the range I may still "apply" for the position. If I wasn't close, I wouldn't give it much thought and would move along...


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## one_strange_otter

angelpixie said:


> Oh, from what you said, Otter, I realize that my post may have been confusing (that comes from thinking everyone already knows what's going on in your own head, LOL). My comment about my 20s was more to illustrate why I got together with someone younger in the first place. I am actually in my mid 40s. So, that's where I wonder if the cougar thing comes in. I would not think 36 would be stodgy at all, and if a guy that age had kids, they'd be more likely to be the same age as mine, too.


Sorry if I misunderstood. But yeah, the cougar thing might come up if your mid 40's and your boyfriend is a real boy lol....You might have to stodgy him up a little bit so he passes the first glance test from your friends.... (I'm teasing. And yes, this guy has some kids since you brought it up. 4,8,11)

I'm scared to death of dating to be honest. I've snuck out the sites and looked and that's about all I did. But, sooner or later I'll have to jump back in there....hopefully sooner rather than later.


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## Deejo

Hoosier said:


> Ok, I have done the Match thing, and it almost works to well for me. Maybe it is the fact that in my job I talk to strangers everyday and that translates to being able to talk to women. (Married 30 years never dated anyone except my XW until 6 months ago) Have met a number of very nice ladies who I enjoy their company but no "matches". I think that I dont fear rejection (part of my job) at all and that comes thru when we talk. My question: How is the best way to say, "hey you are really nice, I like you, but you are not the one for me on an exclusive basis"...without hurting their feelings? How do you "disengage"?


What is the one quality that you will almost universally find in a woman's profile as far as what she seeks in a man?

No gentlemen, it isn't penis size ...

Honesty.

In being honest, it isn't incumbent upon you to declare that you are seeing other women or men on a first date.
In fact it wouldn't be very smart.
I automatically presume whomever I'm seeing is also seeing other people.

I have had good disengagements, and bad disengagements. It goes with the territory. Particularly new people to dating
can take it hard. Please keep in mind I'm talking about a couple of dates ... I'm not talking about seeing one another for 
a couple of months and having been intimate. 

If it's still at the dating stage. I use an email or do it over the phone. Gone are the days of 'doing it in person'. It's out-dated, and wastes both of your time.
I have no control over whether or not they see it as 'cowardly' or 'spineless', and importantly? I don't care. Method of delivery doesn't change
the message. I'm presuming that whomever I'm seeing wants somebody that wants to be with them, is attracted to them, and DESIRES them. If I'm not that guy, then I'm being disingenuous.

Honesty isn't always pleasant. I don't enjoy hurting anyone. But I'm presuming that they value their time, and want someone that wants them ... just like I do.

Dating is a fun way to use 'process of elimination'. Online dating can make the process much larger. I have pasted a piece of an email I sent just a few days ago following a date:



> I would never mind getting together with you socially again. But ... I didn't get the sense that there was a whole lot of chemistry or attraction between us, which to be clear, I'm cool with. It is what it is.
> Did you feel differently?


Basically, I have stated that I didn't feel a connection, and I'm inviting her to agree with me, thereby enabling her to save face. Hope that helps.


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## Deejo

In terms of the pool of candidates, I'm a big believer in you get what you pay for.

In other words ... pay.

There are lots of free sites. I was on POF briefly over a year ago. Didn't like it. Won't ever be on it again.


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## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Cougar - pretty much!!!
> 
> :smthumbup:


So, you're saying that's a good thing?  Should I play that up as a 'positive'?


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## one_strange_otter

angelpixie said:


> So, you're saying that's a good thing?  Should I play that up as a 'positive'?


Of course it is. Guys will high five other guys for dating older women, younger women, hot women....lol....we have no shame in that regard.


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> So, you're saying that's a good thing?  Should I play that up as a 'positive'?


It is what it is! Do not USE the word cougar unless you are just looking for sex!!!

Although I'm not "out there" yet - if someone my age (40) looked interesting but said they were looking for someone younger, I think I would still "apply."

I do kind of wonder how a 30 year old male might view your ad. Any of them around???


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## angelpixie

I get all kinds of strange responses to my profile. Yesterday a guy messaged me that he was coming to town to visit his dad, and wanted know if I liked younger guys...I looked up his info, and he's *19 ffs!*  I have NO idea how he came across my particular profile. Totally the wrong variety of 'babe.'  I need to find the magic medium between geezer and teenager.


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## Lon

angelpixie said:


> I get all kinds of strange responses to my profile. Yesterday a guy messaged me that he was coming to town to visit his dad, and wanted know if I liked younger guys...I looked up his info, and he's *19 ffs!*  I have NO idea how he came across my particular profile. Totally the wrong variety of 'babe.'  I need to find the magic medium between geezer and teenager.


I went on a date a few weeks ago, her and I talked about online dating - she is 40 and said when she had a profile up with pics she got flooded with pics of penises and 20 year olds that just wanted to hook up.

I personally think some of these young guys have figured that a lot of middle aged women really just enjoy sex a whole lot more than 20 something year old girls who seem to get entirely different things from their sex life at that age.


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## Deejo

Lon said:


> I personally think some of these young guys have figured that a lot of middle aged women really just enjoy sex a whole lot more than 20 something year old girls who seem to get entirely different things from their sex life at that age.


It's date spamming. They are playing a numbers game, that is all. They are presuming that eventually, they are going to meet someone that is flattered by their attention.


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## Freak On a Leash

Wow! This is some thread! 

Online dating. Not for me. I figure if I meet someone it'll be through one of my interests, social circle, club, etc. I don't want to shop for a potential date like I would a used car. I tend not to like most people and would only spend my time with someone I already had prior contact with. 

If you start asking me personal questions about where or what I shave then pack it up because you are not for me. That's totally gross to talk about on a first date. And I'm not sleeping with you on the third. That's not my scene. 

Money: My thing with dates is that if someone asks me out formally I'd like to be able to assume that they will pay. If they can't and explain that money is tight I have no problem with going dutch but if I ask the person out I will assume I'll be paying. I don't mind going back and forth with expenses. I'm living in this century and I know the score. I'd rather go dutch and go out to dinner and enjoy each other's company then not go at all. 

I have no problem with poverty..I am familiar with that concept myself. But I'm married to a man who has money and is cheap. I will NOT have anything to do with a cheap guy! I hate tightwads, penny pinchers and misers who HAVE money and won't have fun with it. 

That said, I don't need to go out to an expensive dinner. I just like to go out and have a good time. Coffee, some breakfast, a picnic, go and have a drink and a walk on the beach..it all sounds good. 

But I do want to hang with a guy who has similar interests to me. I'm done with being in a relationship with someone who has nothing in common with me. So if you like the great outdoors you'll be a hit with me. I'm into hiking, kayaking, biking, camping, skiing, etc. 

However I like to dress up and go out on the town too. I want to go out and DO things at night like dance, see a band, have a drink, etc. I want to be out in the Land of the Living! If you are into sitting at home and watching TV all the time then don't even call me. I'm done with that scene. Once in awhile I'm down with spending a quiet evening at home but I don't want it to be what we do as a routine. 

I'm in my late 40s and have no real problems with age. If someone is fun and young at heart and active he can be my age or older. I have a friend who is 10 years older than me and is into doing the same stuff I am. Age isn't necessarily a problem, it's attitude. 

As far as where a relationship goes. I'm not getting married again. I'm not living with anyone again. Leave your toothbrush at home. 

Oh, and the TRUE test of whether you are the guy for me is the reaction I get when I drive up in my Jeep Wrangler with the top down and doors off. If you say "Cool" and jump in you've passed! :smthumbup:


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## Lon

Interesting, just got a message from my online dating site from some lady looking to sex her up when her H is away. She only said hi, hope you are finding what you are looking for, but obviously phishing. OOOh that makes me mad. I can't decide if I want to just ignore it or tell her off for being a crappy person and cheating.


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## angelpixie

One of the first guys that contacted me was a married man that was looking for a little on the side. He asked me a rather suggestive question, and when I looked at his profile and I saw he was married, I told him to ask his wife the same question. That I had been cheated on and was not interested in being on the other end of the equation. He answered by saying that cheating is wrong and that he'd never do that. WTF? He's *married* and asking about having sex with *someone who is not his wife*. What's his definition of cheating?!?


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## Lon

Maybe he thinks his W is lousy and therefore it's like he's not married and thus not like he's cheating.

(when I wrote this in my mind I was hearing the the soulmateshmoopies computer voice)

moonlocks - YouTube


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## Deejo

Those are friggin' hysterical.


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## nice777guy

Lon said:


> Interesting, just got a message from my online dating site from some lady looking to sex her up when her H is away. She only said hi, hope you are finding what you are looking for, but obviously phishing. OOOh that makes me mad. I can't decide if I want to just ignore it or tell her off for being a crappy person and cheating.


Tell her off!


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## OldGirl

Lon said:


> Maybe he thinks his W is lousy and therefore it's like he's not married and thus not like he's cheating.
> 
> (when I wrote this in my mind I was hearing the the soulmateshmoopies computer voice)
> 
> moonlocks - YouTube


:rofl: We are soulmates. Everyone is happy for us.


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## nice777guy

OldGirl said:


> :rofl: We are soulmates. Everyone is happy for us.


I'm jealous!!! Screw "happy!"


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## nice777guy

Is dating really a part of the whole "moving forward" process?

I still feel there is some crappy connection between my Ex and myself that might be weakened if she even thought I might be dating...


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## angelpixie

Whoa! I just refreshed my screen, and what happened? Willy Wonka turned into The Man With No Name! Are you not *Nice*777guy anymore?! Say it ain't so!


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Whoa! I just refreshed my screen, and what happened? Willy Wonka turned into The Man With No Name! Are you not *Nice*777guy anymore?! Say it ain't so!


Not the first time I've used "Clint."


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## Lon

NG, dating is part of the whole "I am a man and I want to find a good woman" process. Or atleast it is for me.

Oh also don't be jealous, just follow the link... "our love is perfect, we are soulmates, everybody is happy for us" and laugh.


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## angelpixie

Lon said:


> Maybe he thinks his W is lousy and therefore it's like he's not married and thus not like he's cheating.
> 
> (when I wrote this in my mind I was hearing the the soulmateshmoopies computer voice)
> 
> moonlocks - YouTube


From my absolute favorite so far, The Big Apology:

WH: Fate steps in and makes people do things that just happen. I don't expect you to understand this, because you're always so critical. 

XW: You repeatedly pretended to go on business trips while taking your girlfriend on vacation.

WH: But I want you to know that I'm sorry for whatever I did that made you put too many kinds of cheese in the lasagna. If I wanted meatloaf, I should have told you. And because I did not address it a long time ago, there are things you did and did not do, and then things happened to me, that no one planned or wanted to have happen, but happened anyway, and now you have the divorce you wanted. Are you happy now?

XW: Yes.

:rofl:


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## Lon

lol.

Funny, I just got another message at my dating site from yet another married woman. This one is aparently atleast open, she wants a three way and assured me no man on man contact, lol.

I guess I'm popular after all, just not with the single ladies.


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## angelpixie

Did you accidentally sign up with the 'Single Guys and Married Ladies' dating site, LOL?


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## Lon

don't think so, I went back to check over my settings though, thought maybe I clicked a wrong checkbox somewhere.


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## AFEH

Another way of meeting a new partner is to start out with friendship in mind rather than romance. For me “dating” is a term full of “expectations” and possible rejections.

Maybe find something you’re Passionate about, something that in a way will come to define who you are and will be a lifetime interest, that you’ll become an expert in and will make you a very interesting person to be with.

Then look to meet and make friends with like minded people by joining clubs, participating in group activities at Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup and other such places.

Looking for friendship as opposed to getting a date is a totally different mindset. Look to see what their interests are and ask if you can join in if you feel it’s something you could develop and become passionate about. Then it’s not so much a dating experience but more of a bonding experience through shared interests.


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## OldGirl

nice777guy said:


> I'm jealous!!! Screw "happy!"


Nice Guy - I was quoting the funny YouTube thing that Lon linked. Wasn't trying to be a jerk! Sorry


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## mr. blue

AFEH said:


> Another way of meeting a new partner is to start out with friendship in mind rather than romance. For me “dating” is a term full of “expectations” and possible rejections.
> 
> Maybe find something you’re Passionate about, something that in a way will come to define who you are and will be a lifetime interest, that you’ll become an expert in and will make you a very interesting person to be with.
> 
> Then look to meet and make friends with like minded people by joining clubs, participating in group activities at Do something, Learn something, Share something, Change something - Meetup and other such places.
> 
> Looking for friendship as opposed to getting a date is a totally different mindset. Look to see what their interests are and ask if you can join in if you feel it’s something you could develop and become passionate about. Then it’s not so much a dating experience but more of a bonding experience through shared interests.


I agree, but I’m worried about the potential down side... I’m currently interested it taking it to another level (sex) with a “friend” - and she is too, but I’m finding myself being very hesitant because if things don’t work out, I risk losing a friend I like doing stuff with, and create drama in the circle of friends where we met.


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## remmons

Online dating has never really worked for me. The one time that it did we both ended up splitting apart anyway because we both had different paths to follow. I have tried the online dating thing many times, both free and as a paid subscriber. What I had gotten were mostly scammers hitting me up to "bail" them out of their "situation". Yes, I am being vague here as I am sure you can fill in the blanks as to what they are really doing.

I live in a small community, but where I live it is a booming community. We have oil and gas production going on, houses can't get built fast enough. There is a lot of potential here, but unfortunately the taste of money is strong here, so any single woman who is living a less than satisfying life are hitting up on these guys who rake in the dough. This is hurting my chances of landing a gal, well all except for the ones who a guy wouldn't give a second look at. I have met a few ladies in person, either through an acquaintance, or through my X, yes, I said X. But, these gals aren't really what I want.

There is this one though.....


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## AFEH

mr. blue said:


> I agree, but I’m worried about the potential down side... I’m currently interested it taking it to another level (sex) with a “friend” - and she is too, but I’m finding myself being very hesitant because if things don’t work out, I risk losing a friend I like doing stuff with, and create drama in the circle of friends where we met.


Well that sounds like a real crazy notion to me! Surely friendships outlast sex not working out? If indeed that’s what happens. And what does your notion mean anyway? That a wife/girlfriend can’t be a friend you have sex with?

Nothing ventured …..


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## mr. blue

^ Good points. I think divorce has left me a bit overly cautious.


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