# Length of sexual encounter time



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Curious if anyone else has this same hang up.....

I find if sex is too quick, even if it is good sex, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I have had some encounters with my wife that were admittedly "hot", but were 2 minutes start to finish and I always find I feel lacking afterwards. I think part of it for me is being the HD partner, it sometimes (subconsciously) makes me assume "that's it for a few days" and I have a hard time appreciating the encounter. Often I hide this, but sometimes my wife picks up on the emotion and it makes her feel inadequate (which is totally fair response). I hate that I feel this way and don't do it intentionally, but seems going back many years of feeling rejection, I look for every sexual encounter to have a lot of substance and discount quickies. I know I am the one missing out and should appreciate every sexual experience, but for some reason I just don't.

Anyone else face this?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think women encounter this a lot. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. 

But if your wife is getting off in two minutes, it's because she's really turned on and you're doing something right. If you want to slow it down some, that's your privilege, but she may lose her "erection" once in a while if she was ready to finish. Still, variety is the spice, and all that.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think women encounter this a lot. Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
> 
> But if your wife is getting off in two minutes, it's because she's really turned on and you're doing something right. If you want to slow it down some, that's your privilege, but she may lose her "erection" once in a while if she was ready to finish. Still, variety is the spice, and all that.


Its not really that I am "doing something right", we are a 100% of the time vibrator couple, so would have an orgasm even if I was standing next to her picking my nose (not that I do that, but you get my point). She often prefers sex quick and to the point. Sometimes that is really hot (like run quickly into the bathroom and get it on), but often times "straight to the point" leaves me feeling a bit lacking...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

No. That's still doing something right, if she likes the fast buzz. Believe it or not, that vibration can be too much for some who are overly sensitive to it. But that's what she likes, so...

But I can see where you'd feel a little unengaged maybe. Just tell her you want to mix it up a little and slow it down once in awhile so you are more in play for a longer period of time to savor her. Use that word. Tell her you often are still in the mood to "linger," when she's all done. I mean, she should be okay with that once in a while.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Its not really that I am "doing something right", we are a 100% of the time vibrator couple, so would have an orgasm even if I was standing next to her picking my nose (not that I do that, but you get my point). She often prefers sex quick and to the point. Sometimes that is really hot (like run quickly into the bathroom and get it on), but often times "straight to the point" leaves me feeling a bit lacking...


And she wouldn't be ok with spending more time on sex a few hours later or the next day...?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Married_in_michigan said:


> so would have an orgasm even if I was standing next to her picking my nose


Just FYI -- this is a truly horrific mental image...Lolol!!!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

2 minutes? She doesn't orgasm from it, right? (because it happens another way for her but hopefully not when you are picking your nose)? But is okay with 2 minutes of actual intercourse, a lot of the time?

If that's the case I'd say she isn't really interested in having intercourse with you and just wants it over with.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> And she wouldn't be ok with spending more time on sex a few hours later or the next day...?


Yes, sometimes. All depends. Lately she is only up for all quickies, so even though the overall frequency is fine (every other day or so), they are ALL quickies...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Is it possible you need to send the kids to a baby sitter once in a while? Does that come into play here?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Yes, sometimes. All depends. Lately she is only up for all quickies, so even though the overall frequency is fine (every other day or so), they are ALL quickies...


I think if you're having sex with someone who doesn't want it, the sex will be spoiled regardless of duration.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

For me quickies are great to get the dead done, and when you don’t have a lot of time or energy to do the whole sha-bang. I mean who has that sort of time/energy to always have sex hour long sex. 

I think you would be less dissatisfied if quickies were just one of many styles of sex you had. Also, do you have quickies in other places besides your bed? I’m the kitchen, on a chair, I’m the shower etc.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I won't say as to what the endless quickie type encounters mean but can offer it seems way to many in a row to me, my experience, in at least how my M sex life stays within the happy route navigational beacons.

We ha e quickies usually no more that two in a row, and non quickies usually three to five in a row.

Bear in mind we're past the child stage, although happily in the gc stage.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

our children are older, so its not that. Only one still lives and home and is gone fairly often. My wife says that she often does not stay connected very long and gets distracted, so she is pretty much very into the idea of getting straight to the point. There are times we have longer sessions, but seems we get into a rut where we go many sessions in a row of only quickies


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> For me quickies are great to get the dead done, and when you don’t have a lot of time or energy to do the whole sha-bang. I mean who has that sort of time/energy to always have sex hour long sex.
> 
> I think you would be less dissatisfied if quickies were just one of many styles of sex you had. Also, do you have quickies in other places besides your bed? I’m the kitchen, on a chair, I’m the shower etc.


90% of the time in the bedroom.....5% in the bathroom (someone home, hiding the noise) and 5% in the other places.....mostly the bedroom.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

@Married_in_michigan
Can I just ask you what is going right in your sex life? What does your wife think is going right? In your last several discussion you have indicated:
1. Almost all of your sexual encounters are quickies
2. Your wife needs a vibrator to finish
3. Sometimes she needs to hide from you and bang it out to get the big O.
4. Your wife always thinks of lesbian sex to get over the edge.
5. You also indicated that you are seeing or have seen a counselor to work on this.
6. Your wife is LD and does not really care to try new things.
7. She does not seem to have interest in romantic vacations.
In my mind all of these things start to add up to a big issue.

So now to address your comment in this thread. My wife and I hardly every have quickies, like maybe 2-3 % of the time. Surprisingly we have done it twice in the last week. But my wife knows that I have things planned to even the score. 
If I was getting quickies all of the time, I would not be getting the emotional connection I need, and I would address it.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Is it possible you need to send the kids to a baby sitter once in a while? Does that come into play here?


its not about a lack of alone time, its my wife preference to have quickies. We were even at a hotel the other night, spend hours at dinner, had some wine, talked, and then she initiated sex, but it was done in 5 minutes start to finish (by her choice).


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

leftfield said:


> @Married_in_michigan
> Can I just ask you what is going right in your sex life? What does your wife think is going right? In your last several discussion you have indicated:
> 1. Almost all of your sexual encounters are quickies
> 2. Your wife needs a vibrator to finish
> ...


you raise great points. Sex for me is a mess. Only positive thing is frequency is not an issue. Sex in my marriage has all kinds of things that are odd and don't sit well with me. That is the "one thing" we fight about and bothers me, and from many different points. Its a complicated mess.....


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> you raise great points. Sex for me is a mess. Only positive thing is frequency is not an issue. Sex in my marriage has all kinds of things that are odd and don't sit well with me. That is the "one thing" we fight about and bothers me, and from many different points. Its a complicated mess.....


I only know of the things you post here, so what I imply in this post could be completely wrong.

It seems like your wife is not really interested in you sexually, but she is very interested in keeping her marriage. Thus you get the frequency you need with minimal effort from her.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

leftfield said:


> I only know of the things you post here, so what I imply in the post could be completely wrong.
> 
> It seems like your wife is not really interested in you sexually, but she is very interested in keeping her marriage. Thus you get the frequency you need with minimal effort from her.


You very well may be right....Based on very detailed conversation with a MC, my current assessment is this:


Wife is fairly low drive, but enjoys the physical pleasure of sex (orgasm)
She is not overly sexually attracted to me. She loves and cares about me, but not really super sexually into me
She often uses external things to arouse her for sex, being that I "don't really do it for her"
She feels guilty (religious guilt) about what actually turns her on
She has some resentment about sex being the fights all our marriage
She feels that I make her feel inadequate due to lower desire
The interest in quickies and vibrator dependency have a lot to do with the above mentioned items


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If she's really not that into it but you're getting frequent sex, then I do not think I would push for longer sex. It might backfire on you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> 90% of the time in the bedroom.....5% in the bathroom (someone home, hiding the noise) and 5% in the other places.....mostly the bedroom.


Sounds like your sex life is better than mine at the moment!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> its not about a lack of alone time, its my wife preference to have quickies. We were even at a hotel the other night, spend hours at dinner, had some wine, talked, and then she initiated sex, but it was done in 5 minutes start to finish (by her choice).


How exactly was it a quirky by her choice? It sounds like she is the dominant one here. 

How long are your quickies and how long is your regular sex sessions?

I personally don’t see a big problem with your sex life. It’s not perfect, but no ones is.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Expand on #3, fix #5 as in stop it, and check the improvements, and go from there.

Hopefully your W won't keep adding to the items in the negative column as you improve things already on the list.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> How exactly was it a quirky by her choice? It sounds like she is the dominant one here.
> 
> How long are your quickies and how long is your regular sex sessions?
> 
> I personally don’t see a big problem with your sex life. It’s not perfect, but no ones is.


I vote for the quirky sex...😉


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

It would probably last longer, if you didn't ejaculate at the 2 minute mark.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For me the best sex is when I get plenty of buildup and tension prior, regardless of the time actually doing it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Married_in_michigan said:


> ... but seems going back many years of feeling rejection, I look for every sexual encounter to have a lot of substance and discount quickies. I know I am the one missing out and should appreciate every sexual experience, but for some reason I just don't.


Sounds like a major disconnect, sexually-speaking. But, for you at least, it also seems to be an emotional disconnect. You mentioned going out to dinner and spending time eating and drinking wine. Does your wife engage you in interesting/meaningful conversation during your dining experience? IOW is there a connection that gives you sustenance outside the bedroom?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

yeah, that would not be enough for most people. How about building up erotic tension throughout the day with sexting? Would she be interested in doing it?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> yeah, that would not be enough for most people. How about building up erotic tension throughout the day with sexting? Would she be interested in doing it?


My guess is no. It sounds like she isn't really interested in having sex with him.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Curious if anyone else has this same hang up.....
> 
> I find if sex is too quick, even if it is good sex, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I have had some encounters with my wife that were admittedly "hot", but were 2 minutes start to finish and I always find I feel lacking afterwards. I think part of it for me is being the HD partner, it sometimes (subconsciously) makes me assume "that's it for a few days" and I have a hard time appreciating the encounter. Often I hide this, but sometimes my wife picks up on the emotion and it makes her feel inadequate (which is totally fair response). I hate that I feel this way and don't do it intentionally, but seems going back many years of feeling rejection, I look for every sexual encounter to have a lot of substance and discount quickies. I know I am the one missing out and should appreciate every sexual experience, but for some reason I just don't.
> 
> Anyone else face this?


Hi Married_in_Michigan , I had a taste of that a time or two with my ex and I felt worse than being rejected outright. I saw other posters mention lesbian fantasy. This sounds like a downright miserable, soul-killing situation, I don't know how you feel ok knowing she wants someone else every time. How old are you guys? You cool spending the rest of your life like this, cause quite frankly it sounds miserable and lonely.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> My guess is no. It sounds like she isn't really interested in having sex with him.


This being TAM, there’s a lot read into tacking “with him” at the end of the sentence. Is it intentional?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I am a little confused because in my experience men usually have some control over how fast they orgasm. I realize she just wants to get off quickly, and I guess it would be helpful to know if you're in her before during or after the vibrator. But seems like you would get to take a little time before using it on her. maybe the key here is that you have custody of the vibrator and decide when to employ it and get her off if she is sensitive and you have to stop as soon as she gets off which some women are.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In reply to CO:

It wasn't. But now I have been reminded of some of the issues here, I had forgotten that OPs wife needs to fantasize about women in order to orgasm EVERY TIME. I'd guess the quickies are her way of having to be sexually entwined for as short a time as possible, and it seems to be working.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Livvie said:


> In reply to CO:
> 
> It wasn't. But now I have been reminded of some of the issues here, I had forgotten that OPs wife needs to fantasize about women in order to orgasm EVERY TIME. I'd guess the quickies are her way of having to be sexually entwined for as short a time as possible, and it seems to be working.


I agree.

She wants to get it over with and yet get credit for having participated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would say she loves you and wants to be married to you but she isn’t interested in sex with you. If she weren’t religious, she might admit that she really wants to have sex with women (instead of just fantasizing about it). But she can’t admit it so where the two of you are now is apparently the best she can do for you. The question is whether that’s enough — now and forever — for you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> _*our children are older, so its not that. Only one still lives and home and is gone fairly often. My wife says that she often does not stay connected very long and gets distracted, so she is pretty much very into the idea of getting straight to the point. There are times we have longer sessions, but seems we get into a rut where we go many sessions in a row of only quickies*_



It sounds like you're just another chore on her list to get done as soon as possible.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The lady loves to get off...
She does.

And, she wants you to get off of her quickly.

Do you weigh a lot, maybe over 250+ lbs., or 18+ stones?
Or, from her one big groan, _I can't breath_?

....................................................................

Either way, she enjoys an 'O', but not that true intimacy.
Namely, hugging, kissing, caressing, foreplay...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Low desire, LD, is _often_ a myth.

It is surrendering your passion to something cool, maybe cold.

Most who are LD can get horny with the right person.
At least, for a limited time.

LD, those _latter day_ cool, wish to extend the notion out into the near/far future.
A bleak future for most of us, though not for everyone.

Cool, are the *chemical reactions* within their temple, their body of evidence.
This is evident to me.

Those _somewhere_ on the spectrum are often, so made, as this.



_Are Dee-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Personal said:


> It would probably last longer, if you didn't ejaculate at the 2 minute mark.


This visual needs to be cleared up.

She is getting off, buzzed off.
Where is he in the action?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds like a major disconnect, sexually-speaking. But, for you at least, it also seems to be an emotional disconnect. You mentioned going out to dinner and spending time eating and drinking wine. Does your wife engage you in interesting/meaningful conversation during your dining experience? IOW is there a connection that gives you sustenance outside the bedroom?


yes, we have very deep and meaningful conversation often...


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> This visual needs to be cleared up.
> 
> She is getting off, buzzed off.
> Where is he in the action?


just to be clear....its not an issue of me lasting only 2 minutes. I outgrew that issue after being a teenager. I can almost always go as long as she wants. SHE wants it quick and she cums first (vibrator), then I finish.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> The lady loves to get off...
> She does.
> 
> And, she wants you to get off of her quickly.
> ...


no...i am not overweight much. 175lbs


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> yeah, that would not be enough for most people. How about building up erotic tension throughout the day with sexting? Would she be interested in doing it?


we sexted only a couple times....she liked it, but mood must be perfect


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I am a little confused because in my experience men usually have some control over how fast they orgasm. I realize she just wants to get off quickly, and I guess it would be helpful to know if you're in her before during or after the vibrator. But seems like you would get to take a little time before using it on her. maybe the key here is that you have custody of the vibrator and a side when to employ it and get her off if she is sensitive and you have to stop as soon as she gets off which some women are.


Its not an issue of me finishing to quick...i almost always finish after her. She just likes to get from start to finish quickly. I do sometimes try to take control of the vibrator, but 95% of the time she wants to keep control. She says its because of a specific pressure and placement


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

On some occasions you going te have to point blank tell her that she can certainly do it her way at first, then you both will be doing what you want for a half hour or so.

Just flat tell her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Its not an issue of me finishing to quick...i almost always finish after her. She just likes to get from start to finish quickly. I do sometimes try to take control of the vibrator, but 95% of the time she wants to keep control. She says its because of a specific pressure and placement


And that's valid. But you're in a weird situation. I only just this morning read the others saying she is attracted to women. I just wonder how long she plans to avoid just going that way. Puts you in a weird situation. Do you have a loving relationship with each other as far as just being kind to each other, or is it full of tension?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And that's valid. But you're in a weird situation. I only just this morning read the others saying she is attracted to women. I just wonder how long she plans to avoid just going that way. Puts you in a weird situation. Do you have a loving relationship with each other as far as just being kind to each other, or is it full of tension?


for the most part, all other aspects of the relationship are great. We would consider ourselves best friends, we get along great (other than the sex topic). I could (and wife would agree) say that our ONLY fight ever is about sex. It has been full of issues for many years)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> just to be clear....its not an issue of me lasting only 2 minutes. I outgrew that issue after being a teenager. I can almost always go as long as she wants. SHE wants it quick and she cums first (vibrator), then I finish.


Thank you.

When the air, or its aired-way, is not clear, some people cough up phantom phlegm. 

Not me, nope!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Its not an issue of me finishing to quick...i almost always finish after her. She just likes to get from start to finish quickly. I do sometimes try to take control of the vibrator, but 95% of the time she wants to keep control. She says its because of a specific pressure and placement


She is telling the truth, while she is lying in bed.

Sounds like, her it comes.....get ready for it....

It is all about her! 
Ka-wumpa

She needs to alternate. Make it all about her, one time, then all about you, the next., 

Yep, mark it on the calendar. 

Oh, Lordy..

My tongue is bleeding from all the biting!

(and from all the Biden).


_Are Dee-_


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> On some occasions you going te have to point blank tell her that she can certainly do it her way at first, then you both will be doing what you want for a half hour or so.
> 
> Just flat tell her.


From two minutes to half an hour? Seriously? I know there are folk here who can do the marathon sex thing, but even 15 minutes would be a huge improvement and when you add in cuddle time afterward, or before, whatever, you can have a pretty complete experience. Going half an hour for some, even someone relatively HD, might create boredom and possibly excessive wear & tear on both the cylinder & piston. The worst case scenario is that either the piston or cylinder begins to suffer from lubrication failure but the check engine light has been disabled (meaning he or she doesn't mention it) and after a while, the engine totally shuts down without warning.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sex is a pretty important aspect of marriage. To disagree about this, yet say everything else is "great" leaves me somewhat confused. Other things, such as shared hobbies/interests wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Not being on the same page as sex? Deal breaker. I can always find friends or clubs with whom I can share my interests. Not so with sex. Well, I suppose there are sex clubs out there ... to each his own.

The thing is, once AGAIN, sex is a pretty major "thing" in marriage. If that is unsatisfactory/leaving me dissatisfied, I would consider it the elephant in the room. No matter how deep the conversations, how much fun we shared together, if sex was the proverbial fly in the ointment, I wouldn't be enjoying other aspects of my marriage that much. JMO.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Sex is a pretty important aspect of marriage. To disagree about this, yet say everything else is "great" leaves me somewhat confused. Other things, such as shared hobbies/interests wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Not being on the same page as sex? Deal breaker. I can always find friends or clubs with whom I can share my interests. Not so with sex. Well, I suppose there are sex clubs out there ... to each his own.
> 
> The thing is, once AGAIN, sex is a pretty major "thing" in marriage. If that is unsatisfactory/leaving me dissatisfied, I would consider it the elephant in the room. No matter how deep the conversations, how much fun we shared together, if sex was the proverbial fly in the ointment, I wouldn't be enjoying other aspects of my marriage that much. JMO.


The problem is that the person for whom sex is more important just cannot relate to the spouse for whom it isn't. It doesn't make sense. In a logical world, there are so many relationship reasons why the non-sexual spouse should care about sex (unless both spouses don't care, but we don't read about that because they don't make waves, they're doing fine I guess). In absolute honesty, I've read, and have felt at times, that many spouses wish their partner were neutered. Neutered dogs get along just fine, right? We even call it "fixing" them. Most of us wouldn't consider that a solution. It's part of whom we are. So why doesn't our partner respect that instead of pretend it will go away if they ignore it? For a zillion reasons previously given, of course. That's not sarcastic. It's just simply the facts.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

x


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@Personal - I just edited my post to less than nothing, since I couldn't delete it in its entirety. But thank you for liking my "x". I'll attempt to post again. \


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Casual Observer said:


> The problem is that the person for whom sex is more important just cannot relate to the spouse for whom it isn't. It doesn't make sense.


Sure they can ... relate to it, that is. It's called empathy. It's called getting outside one's own head and making an honest attempt to see where the other party is coming from. It's called being a little less selfish. Going outside one's comfort zone. Trying to connect with one's partner. Seriously.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I lived with a man who didn't want me and lied about it. He told me I was "too much work", yet he "loved me" and wasn't there more to marriage than just sex? He expected to plug and play in 5 mins flat and barely touched me at all, then he had ED, tried viagra, claimed to have health issues from it and never touched it again. I sacrificed my needs and desires out of love, for almost our entire marriage (12.5 yrs). I wasn't a martyr, some of those years I had health issues that prevented sex, he seemed relieved during those times. I thought I could be content to have love with no sex until I found out he was cheating and he confessed he hadn't been attracted to me in years.

We had counseling (other issues), but that didn't help, so I felt like I was just waiting to die if things didn't change. It never occurred to me that I could leave him, I truly bought into "for better or worse, in sickness and in health", except for abuse or adultery. Anyway, once I filed, I figured I'd wasted enough of my life waiting to live and started dating (and having sex!) again. It turns out I'm not unattractive or lacking in sex appeal like I thought I was, I had quite a diverse lot of men interested. I've been dating my bf for about 10 months now and honestly, it's the best sex I've ever had and just keeps getting better. He's lower drive than me (He's good with every other day, I'd be thrilled with multiple times a day), but he makes the effort because he wants to please me. I do my best not to initiate and make him feel like a piece of meat anymore, but I know how to push his buttons to make him think it's his idea . The effort and interest though are what satisfy me, so I'm quite content.

I never realized how many of my health issues stemmed from extreme stress, depression from lack of sex and affection. My ex kept saying he loved me, but showed me he didn't and I refused to see it. Words are cheap, action is everything. Your children are grown, there's no excuse for "staying together for the kids' sake" anymore. Is passionless companionship truly enough for you for the rest of your life? The older you get, the harder it will be to _think _of the unknown, much less start over. It sounds like you've been dealing with this for a long time, maybe decades and it's been stripping you of your joie de vivre. We get this one short at life, are you truly happy?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is more complicated than the typical saga of a wife who is just LD. Instead, this is a wife who is LD and *100% of the time fantasizes about women* and orgasms very quickly with a vibrator so she can be done. Sex for her apparently is just sex with no emotional involvement — at least not with men. With women it might be another story.

Yet she says she loves you and your life together and wants to keep things as they are. But that doesn’t mean she will — or can — change. She may be able to tolerate sex with a male (not only with you) when it’s very brief but that appears not to be what she really wants. However, that’s also not really a subject she wants to focus on. What do you do with that?


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## Hungryman (Aug 11, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Curious if anyone else has this same hang up.....
> 
> I find if sex is too quick, even if it is good sex, it leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I have had some encounters with my wife that were admittedly "hot", but were 2 minutes start to finish and I always find I feel lacking afterwards. I think part of it for me is being the HD partner, it sometimes (subconsciously) makes me assume "that's it for a few days" and I have a hard time appreciating the encounter. Often I hide this, but sometimes my wife picks up on the emotion and it makes her feel inadequate (which is totally fair response). I hate that I feel this way and don't do it intentionally, but seems going back many years of feeling rejection, I look for every sexual encounter to have a lot of substance and discount quickies. I know I am the one missing out and should appreciate every sexual experience, but for some reason I just don't.
> 
> Anyone else face this?


Oh heck yeah.
Though I think my issue is twofold - I prefer a longer session (if it's enjoyable, why not take time to enjoy ?), and our (her) track record shows the next session may not happen for awhile - which is fine for her, not so much for me.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> This is more complicated than the typical saga of a wife who is just LD. Instead, this is a wife who is LD and *100% of the time fantasizes about women* and orgasms very quickly with a vibrator so she can be done. Sex for her apparently is just sex with no emotional involvement — at least not with men. With women it might be another story.
> 
> Yet she says she loves you and your life together and wants to keep things as they are. But that doesn’t mean she will — or can — change. She may be able to tolerate sex with a male (not only with you) when it’s very brief but that appears not to be what she really wants. However, that’s also not really a subject she wants to focus on. What do you do with that?


Is she really LD? I mean if she was having the type of sex that really excites her would she be LD? No one will ever know the answer to that question. 

@Married_in_michigan, what do you think is the best possible situation you and your wife can create?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

leftfield said:


> Is she really LD? I mean if she was having the type of sex that really excites her would she be LD? No one will ever know the answer to that question.
> 
> @Married_in_michigan, what do you think is the best possible situation you and your wife can create?


Yes, exactly. She’s LD with him but it’s unknown — I think — if she would be LD with a woman (since women are her only fantasy). MiM’s issue is that he isn’t a woman so how do you get past that?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> From two minutes to half an hour? Seriously? I know there are folk here who can do the marathon sex thing, but even 15 minutes would be a huge improvement and when you add in cuddle time afterward, or before, whatever, you can have a pretty complete experience. Going half an hour for some, even someone relatively HD, might create boredom and possibly excessive wear & tear on both the cylinder & piston. The worst case scenario is that either the piston or cylinder begins to suffer from lubrication failure but the check engine light has been disabled (meaning he or she doesn't mention it) and after a while, the engine totally shuts down without warning.


One has to remember sex isn't all physical and just made up of continuous pounding away. In longer sessions the mind and body are involved, and variety in positions, acts, and intensity.

I have to admit for our longer sessions I've already spent time mentally going over what I plan to bring to the encounter as well as a loose plan of different things i want to do, including what I know she likes, and well as being ready to stay in touch with her preferences as we go along.

Yes, I do plan ahead.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@Married_in_michigan what happens when you two take turns with a one-sided experience? As in one day it is all about her and the next day it is all about you. 

If that doesn't happen, it is something you should try. Each one-sided experience will reveal challenges and shed some light on things that need work. 

Generally speaking it sounds as if you are both not good at allowing the other to please you. You each just please yourselves and do so quickly as not to bother the other in the process that perhaps just gives an illusion of something shared. In my opinion. 

The reality is that receiving pleasure from a spouse and feeling deserving of it is perhaps a challenge that many face. The problem is fueled by low self confidence and feeling undeserving. So then it becomes easy just to take care of yourself quickly as not to bother the other. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

But is she actually interested in pleasing you? Maybe that depends on whether she’s bisexual or — more likely IMO — gay?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Openminded said:


> But is she actually interested in pleasing you? Maybe that depends on whether she’s bisexual or — more likely IMO — gay?


She is interested in pleasing me. I think she genuinely cares about me, but does have a lot of hang-ups about sex. She actually brought it up this weekend, as well as started reading some books (David Schnarsh) and admitted that she has a lot of mental blocks around sex. I was encouraged that she took on this reading on her own (no push from me)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree she really cares about you. And she doesn’t want a divorce. But actually attracted to you in a sexual way? I’m not seeing it. Apparently she knows her quickies aren’t doing it for you so now she’s trying to find a way that will allow her to be truly attracted to you. I hope she succeeds. But I think her real orientation is to women and she can’t change that. You just have the wrong equipment for her.

Many years ago I read an article about a woman who was married to a gay man. He loved her and their children and their life. He had sex with her regularly (and not reluctantly). But his real orientation was to men and she accepted that once a month he was going to be gone for the weekend so he could hook up with men. That’s what kept him going, Neither of them wanted a divorce because they loved each other and wanted to be together so that was their solution.

Sexuality is a lot more complicated for some than it is for others. I think your wife is one for whom it’s complicated.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> She is interested in pleasing me. I think she genuinely cares about me, but does have a lot of hang-ups about sex. She actually brought it up this weekend, as well as started reading some books (David Schnarsh) and admitted that she has a lot of mental blocks around sex. I was encouraged that she took on this reading on her own (no push from me)


Try not to invade her space as she reads and allow her to digest things on her own. At most perhaps ask is she found anything interesting and see if that starts a conversation. 

My wife has pushed back at me about her reading books that could help. When I do I think it comes across as if I am trying to be controlling or something. 

Schnarch is all about differentiation as a way to achieve closeness. That is understanding who you are as an individual and being aware of areas where you may be emotionally fused to your partner in ways that causes emotional drama. One exercise he talks about is being able to hug your partner until you completely relax. Some couples tend to build uncomfortable tension as they hug and tend to push away after a few moments. 

As I have worked on my marriage I have noticed a big change in my wife with regards to hugs. She used to push away and didn't like me "smothering" her all the time. Now she craves hugs as it has become something that helps her relax and decompress without feeling as if I am smothering her but more as if I am there to help emotionally calm her down so she can relax. 

The gesture of that sounds simple, but it takes a lot of work as a couple to get there. Eventually sex follows along the same path and it is about learning to be relaxed and emotionally present with one another as opposed to racing for an orgasm and getting it over. 

Badsanta


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear MiM;

You say you want longer sex. Is is really sex or is it really intimacy you desire? 

You might try some of the Gottman or Schnarch intimacy exercises. Things like long extended hugs, greeting and parting rituals, cuddling time, kissing eyes wide open, orgasms with eyes wide open to increase intimacy. Once upon a time my wife told me she wanted more intimacy, so I showed her some of the exercises and she freaked out. She told me yes she wanted more intimacy, but NOT THAT MUCH intimacy. So we worked on a compromise.

Sometimes when we are not scheduled for sex or after sex, I will hug her and hold her next to me just to feel being close to her. She actually likes that.

Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It sometimes just blows my mind that some Hs don't know it's a good thing to hug, kiss, grope their W frequently. 

Fun, enjoyable, can be sexy without sex, and always positive towards better bedroom time.

That every H and W doesn't automatically know it's all around both fantastic and necessary.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear MiM;
> 
> You say you want longer sex. Is is really sex or is it really intimacy you desire?
> 
> ...


I am familiar with your idea, and both my wife and I have read 4 of the Schnarch books (wife is actually re-reading them currently), but to be honest, not sure it is really our issue. We actually have a LOT of non-sexual touch, intimacy, and connection. The issues we face seem to be very much around the pure sexual dynamics. Its hard on TAM to fully explain, and I have multiple posts that I have tried to paint the picture of different facets of the sexual relationship, but as most of us know on TAM, sexuality and sexual relationship are complex. It is not just black and white and many issues are intertwined. 

For me, I do like and need intimacy, so the suggestions you have are valid, but I am actually getting that, so its not really a void


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Married_in_michigan 
You've been hanging in there, good for you. I believe you've been trying multiple things, always good.

Perhaps it's time to simplify. If just the sex dynamics maybe just schedule naked time in a regular repeating pattern for a month and see what happens. 

No overboard on talking about it for a long while just agreeing to both be naked at appointed times and each make their body available to the other to enjoy at will during the set windows.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It sometimes just blows my mind that some Hs don't know it's a good thing to hug, kiss, grope their W frequently.
> 
> Fun, enjoyable, can be sexy without sex, and always positive towards better bedroom time.
> 
> That every H and W doesn't automatically know it's all around both fantastic and necessary.


Not sure OPs wife wants that. She has to disconnect from him and imagine women to orgasm, and wants actual sex with him to be as fast as possible. There are some women who are not attracted to their husbands and don't want him groping touching flirting. One size does not fit all.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Not sure OPs wife wants that. She has to disconnect from him and imagine women to orgasm, and wants actual sex with him to be as fast as possible. There are some women who are not attracted to their husbands and don't want him groping touching flirting. One size does not fit all.


Yep, and isn't that a tragedy.

But the solution still stands. 

And if a W truly doesn't want her H touching, groping, flirting she should live her desires fully, truthfully, and quickly leave, move out, split, and let the both of them heal and each be free to find what they really want.

That would be living honestly and above board.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Her issue is that she loves him and their life but she prefers the idea of sex with women. However, because of her religious upbringing, she doesn’t want that life. In fact, she very likely doesn’t believe she’s gay — but she very likely is. She recognizes there’s a problem so now she’s trying to create something that is not natural to her so that their marriage can continue.

It’s easy to say she should have known this before she got married and maybe she did and maybe she thought it would go away. The problem is that it hasn’t because it can’t. Her orientation is not to men. And it’s not only a “her” problem. Many men and women who are gay want to be straight so they pretend — and hope. Not only do they do themselves a great disservice but their spouses suffer in the deception as well. 

MiM wants a good sexual relationship with his wife. And he absolutely should have that. But this is more complicated than a “normal” LD wife. This is a wife who can only orgasm if she fantasizes about women. That’s another story entirely.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Her issue is that she loves him and their life but she prefers the idea of sex with women. However, because of her religious upbringing, she doesn’t want that life. In fact, she very likely doesn’t believe she’s gay — but she very likely is. She recognizes there’s a problem so now she’s trying to create something that is not natural to her so that their marriage can continue.
> 
> It’s easy to say she should have known this before she got married and maybe she did and maybe she thought it would go away. The problem is that it hasn’t because it can’t. Her orientation is not to men. And it’s not only a “her” problem. Many men and women who are gay want to be straight so they pretend — and hope. Not only do they do themselves a great disservice but their spouses suffer in the deception as well.
> 
> MiM wants a good sexual relationship with his wife. And he absolutely should have that. But this is more complicated than a “normal” LD wife. This is a wife who can only orgasm if she fantasizes about women. That’s another story entirely.


I think you are on to something, but I feel it is more complex and more dynamics at play. Wife does like men and has expressed sexual interest in men (besides myself), but her most significant desire is for women. She presents to me more bisexual than truly homosexual. You are right on about the religious guilt.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I think you are on to something, but I feel it is more complex and more dynamics at play. Wife does like men and has expressed sexual interest in men (besides myself), but her most significant desire is for women. She presents to me more bisexual than truly homosexual. You are right on about the religious guilt.


Well,

If you ever decide to bail you could have a couple threesomes first.

Just trying to see a silver lining here. 

Pay no attention....


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I think you are on to something, but I feel it is more complex and more dynamics at play. Wife does like men and has expressed sexual interest in men (besides myself), but her most significant desire is for women. She presents to me more bisexual than truly homosexual. You are right on about the religious guilt.


Female sexuality can be a lot more complicated — and more fluid — than it appears. What you do know for certain is that she doesn’t want a divorce so she’s trying to work on the situation and that’s a positive. I was under the impression she wasn’t attracted to men at all so it’s very encouraging that she is — even if it’s at a lower level than her attraction to women. Things would be much more difficult if she were only attracted to women — that would be a case of the wrong equipment.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Well,
> 
> If you ever decide to bail you could have a couple threesomes first.
> 
> ...


I know you were half joking, but honestly might be a good thing in our marriage. Fun for both of us, and a chance for her to actually express some of her desires. Her religious guilt keep the option away, but it has crossed my mind many times, even if it was the beginning of the end.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I know you were half joking, but honestly might be a good thing in our marriage. Fun for both of us, and a chance for her to actually express some of her desires. Her religious guilt keep the option away, but it has crossed my mind many times, even if it was the beginning of the end.


I know you're in a tough spot, and you're hanging in there, much kudos for that.

Just throwing a little levity out there.

It's not easy but hang in there. I hope it works out the way you want it to. Whichever direction, you can do it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I know you were half joking, but honestly might be a good thing in our marriage. Fun for both of us, and a chance for her to actually express some of her desires. Her religious guilt keep the option away, but it has crossed my mind many times, even if it was the beginning of the end.


One issue with some fantasies is that while they are exciting as a fantasy, the real life implications of actually trying it are a complete different set of dynamics that may or may not be exciting or enjoyable. 

Imagine watching one of those TV shows where people bid on storage units and inside one is a locked safe. Wow do things get exciting when it becomes almost impossible to open it. Eventually find a way to do it and do something risky to get it to open. Nine times out of ten there is nothing worth while inside and it was way more fun leaving it locked, not knowing what was inside, and enjoying creative problem solving to try to see inside the safe without opening it. Now occasionally the safe does contain something rather exciting, but that is rare. 


__
https://www.reddit.com/r/WhatsInThisThing/comments/duiam5


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