# she never initiates



## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

What does it mean if she will never initiate? If I initiate then she always orgasms and enjoys sex.

She knows I am dying for her to initiate in 10 years but she has done only rarely say about 10 times.

I take it as emotional abuse and being manipulative. She has gotten everything she wants this way .... I am putting a stop to this nowadays with suitable responses.

Do you think it is emotional abuse too?


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

I don't know if I'd go as far to say it is emotional abuse.

Some people have hang ups. Being here as long as I have, initiating appears to be a very common hang up.

Have you flat out told her that you want her to initiate?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

If she is doing it because she KNOWS it is hurting you and she WANTS to hurt you, then yes, I guess it is emotional abuse. Odds are though that she doesn't want to hurt you, and she may not even know just how bad it hurts you, so no, I wouldn't say it's emotional abuse in all likelihood.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

She may feel shy about initiating, she may fear rejection, there may be any number of reasons that are not emotional abuse.
I have been married nearly 25 years & have only just started to initiate sex with my H. I still feel weird & a bit anxious in case he says no. (never happened yet).


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

She knows how much it hurts me. I have told her countless time of my need but she has often said "I dont care".

We started out following the way set out by Harley in "his needs her needs" and she knows that but today she made the pretence of her menstruating and when I checked she did not have a spot of blood but she was merely wearing the pad so that it would make that noise indicating she was wearing it.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

You checked her pad?
That's new



trying_to_rejuvenate said:


> She knows how much it hurts me. I have told her countless time of my need but she has often said "I dont care".
> 
> We started out following the way set out by Harley in "his needs her needs" and she knows that but today she made the pretence of her menstruating and when I checked she did not have a spot of blood but she was merely wearing the pad so that it would make that noise indicating she was wearing it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Most women refuse to initiate because they think it's the man's job. Or, because they have responsive desire and only get in the mood after we start warming them up. Or, because they just don't want sex with us.

Your wife is either in one of those camps, or she may just be sadistic and want to screw with you. If you really think that she's trying to hurt you, then I think you need to turn down the thermostat.

Identify some primary needs of hers that you are currently providing and cut back on them. That will get her attention. When she asks about it, tell her that you've decided to match her level of effort in the relationship and you will only meet her needs to the extent that she meets yours.

Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's showing up and participating as a sexual partner. Life could be worse.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I just see a man who is not satisfied with his life. 

It's interesting. Some men's wives don't want to have sex, they have reasons to complain. Some men's wives don't initiate, and it's big deal. Some men's wives are not kinky enough, and that's not enough. Of course, some men's wives want sex too much, and that's wearing them out. 

No matter what kind of situation they are in, they have reasons to complain. 

I just see unsatisfied people looking for reasons to be unhappy in life!!!


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

When I was a newlywed for the first time, and in my 20s, I wanted it every day. I got it "only" three times a week. I was bummed.

When I was in my thirties I wanted it twice a week. I got it only once a week. I was bummed.

When I am in my eighties, I'll fantasize about getting it one ...more ...time ... and curse my selfishness for not appreciating what I had, _when_ I had it


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Why do you assume it's emotional abuse? Nothing in your OP indicates that.

Women have been taught for a very long time, at least in this country, that men are the initiators of sex. That notion has been slowly changing over the last few decades, but there are still tons of women who will not initiate, even when they want to have sex with you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Checking her pad? Wtf? Umm op I will wear a pad when there is no bleeding yet and thats not for it to merely make noise. I do that because it will be around the time my period starts. It never starts on the exact same day or date and the flow at the start always varies. Better to be safe then sorry ya know. I think you went a bit overboard with the pad thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> I just see unsatisfied people looking for reasons to be unhappy in life!!!


That seems to imply that everyone, or most people, should actually be satisfied with their sex lives. And that's obviously not true.

Sure, I get a bit of a chuckle when we get the occasional post from a man who wants sex daily instead of his current frequency of "only" 4 times a week. But that's a pretty rare type of post. Most folks on here have legitimate complaints and reasons to be unsatisfied.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jaquen said:


> Why do you assume it's emotional abuse? Nothing in your OP indicates that.


I think abuse is too strong of a word. But, if your spouse repeatedly asked you for something, told you it was extremely important to him, and your response was, "Tough sh!t," it wouldn't exactly be a very nice thing to do, would it?

This guy wants his wife to show some interest in him and initiate sex and his wife can't be bothered to do it more than once a year. Now, I get that women are shy and demure and responsive and all that. That's why I would tell this guy that it's unreasonable to expect his wife to initiate every time, or every other time. But asking his wife to change her frequency of initiating from "almost never" to "occasionally" is a reasonable request.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

trying_to_rejuvenate said:


> She knows how much it hurts me.* I have told her countless time of my need but she has often said "I dont care".*
> 
> We started out following the way set out by Harley in "his needs her needs" and she knows that but today she made the pretence of her menstruating and when I checked she did not have a spot of blood but she was merely wearing the pad so that it would make that noise indicating she was wearing it.


Maybe what she is really saying is that "she doesn't care about you", the sex issue is just a by product of that.
Find out why she doesn't care about you.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I think abuse is too strong of a word. But, if your spouse repeatedly asked you for something, told you it was extremely important to him, and your response was, "Tough sh!t," it wouldn't exactly be a very nice thing to do, would it?
> 
> This guy wants his wife to show some interest in him and initiate sex and his wife can't be bothered to do it more than once a year. Now, I get that women are shy and demure and responsive and all that. That's why I would tell this guy that it's unreasonable to expect his wife to initiate every time, or every other time. But asking his wife to change her frequency of initiating from "almost never" to "occasionally" is a reasonable request.


I don't think there is a single person in this thread, myself included, who suggested he didn't have a legitimate concern.

The only point I am baffled at is why he classifies this as abusive behavior.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Great, now i'm going to be listening for the "pad noise" when I walk.

I think there is more to the story. She may feel like one of those performing monkeys when he asks her to initiate. Many women are responsive, and initiating doesn't happen like it does with men.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Shiksa said:


> *Great, now i'm going to be listening for the "pad noise" when I walk.*
> 
> I think there is more to the story. She may feel like one of those performing monkeys when he asks her to initiate. Many women are responsive, and initiating doesn't happen like it does with men.


I don't even know what pad noise is, maybe I use the silent brand. 

TBH the whole checking her pad comes across as controlling and may be a clue as to why there is an issue. 
Problems in the sex life are not always related to sex.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jaquen said:


> I don't think there is a single person in this thread, myself included, who suggested he didn't have a legitimate concern.
> 
> The only point I am baffled at is why he classifies this as abusive behavior.


I would guess it's because, when your wife tells you that she doesn't love you enough to show some interest in you sexually, it's devastating. I don't know if I would have used the word abusive, but it's cruel, spiteful, and callous. Maybe it is abusive.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Holland said:


> TBH the whole checking her pad comes across as controlling and may be a clue as to why there is an issue.
> Problems in the sex life are not always related to sex.


Perhaps he's controlling. But, when menstruation is used as an excuse to avoid sex, a man will become interested in menstruation. If she had told him she was too undernourished to have sex, he would be counting her calories. It's understandable.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

If your wife is blatantly telling you she doesn't care about your need to feel wanted that's a major problem. It's one thing to be shy, nervous, or naive about it, but it's a whole other ball game to flat out say she doesnt care about a need of yours.

I wouldn't call it abuse but I would say its pretty selfish to not want to put in any effort in the matter.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Perhaps he's controlling. But, when menstruation is used as an excuse to avoid sex, a man will become interested in menstruation. If she had told him she was too undernourished to have sex, he would be counting her calories. It's understandable.


I mean perhaps his controlling behaviour in regard to checking her pad might be a clue as to controlling behaviour in other areas of their lives, very much a turn off.

Some things should be private, if a man checked my pad I would resent him immensely and sex would be the last thing I would want to do with him.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61085-snapshot-my-our-turning-corner-perhaps.html

Above happy post is the latest status of my struggle  

This post was a vent to one of my recent moments of despair. But today I am most optimistic about the future.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

thanks for all the comments as usual.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I don't think there is a single person in this thread, myself included, who suggested he didn't have a legitimate concern.
> 
> The only point I am baffled at is why he classifies this as abusive behavior.


There are other aspects of my story I perhaps did not explain enough. But maybe this aspect you r right is not emotional abuse in itself. but probably other unexplained parts could shed more light. At least she had been emotionally abusive by withholding affection and was a master emotional manipulator.

However I may have turned a corner... 
See my latest post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61085-snapshot-my-our-turning-corner-perhaps.html


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## Hosieryishot (Sep 12, 2012)

My wife hardly ever initiates either. We have been married 14 years. In the last few years, she has actually more or less lost all interest in sex period. We have kids, she is tired and stressed out, and she is on some medication which substantially reduces her sex drive.


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## trying_to_rejuvenate (Aug 21, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I think abuse is too strong of a word. But, if your spouse repeatedly asked you for something, told you it was extremely important to him, and your response was, "Tough sh!t," it wouldn't exactly be a very nice thing to do, would it?
> 
> This guy wants his wife to show some interest in him and initiate sex and his wife can't be bothered to do it more than once a year. Now, I get that women are shy and demure and responsive and all that. That's why I would tell this guy that it's unreasonable to expect his wife to initiate every time, or every other time. But asking his wife to change her frequency of initiating from "almost never" to "occasionally" is a reasonable request.


thanks so much. please see my previous comment. u hit it on the dot so to speak.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Holland said:


> I mean perhaps his controlling behaviour in regard to checking her pad might be a clue as to controlling behaviour in other areas of their lives, very much a turn off.


I understand that. But, I doubt your concern is valid. The fact that the OP has accepted his wife's behavior up to this point suggests that he's not very controlling.



Holland said:


> Some things should be private, if a man checked my pad I would resent him immensely and sex would be the last thing I would want to do with him.


You're confusing the cause with the effect. His wife didn't stop having sex with him because he was verifying her menstruation. He was verifying her menstruation because she was using it as an excuse to stop having sex with him.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I understand that. But, I doubt your concern is valid. The fact that the OP has accepted his wife's behavior up to this point suggests that he's not very controlling.
> 
> 
> *You're confusing the cause with the effect. His wife didn't stop having sex with him because he was verifying her menstruation. He was verifying her menstruation because she was using it as an excuse to stop having sex with him*.


We don't know that. It may well be the other way around. She may find him a controlling person (or other negative trait) in other areas of their lives so she used that to put him off.

Regardless I hope it all works out for you OP.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Holland said:


> We don't know that. It may well be the other way around. She may find him a controlling person (or other negative trait) in other areas of their lives so she used that to put him off.
> 
> Regardless I hope it all works out for you OP.


I guess anything's possible. Maybe his breath stinks. But we can't glean that from his posts. He stated that he was checking her pad because she was using menstruation as an excuse to avoid sex. Avoiding sex is the cause and checking the pad is the effect. Arguing the opposite just makes no sense.


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