# I cheated and I want to reconcile



## TryingToReconcile

We've been together for more than 20 years but I had an Internet based affair (never any physical contact) that's was both sexual and emotional. 8 weeks ago I confessed everything after my wife discovered messages between the OW and I on my phone. The affair lasted 18 months. distrust and pain are at an all time high. We've been arguing, and she's opened separate bank accounts. She's contacted a lawyer. She wants a legal separation. I have been going to IC and have begged her to go to couples counseling but she's adamantly refused. This is not the first time I've betrayed her. I flirted with a close female friend online many years ago. Same outcome. I went to counseling alone.

I know I am the only responsible party when it comes to the affair. I could have and should have not sought out the attention of another. It started out sexual and became emotional too. Social media allowed anonymity and fantasy to be fulfilled. I have cut off all contact since the affair. Confessed everything I've ever done, but we are at an impasse.

I know I cannot force her to do anything, but I truly love her and our family very much and committed to doing the hard work it takes to repair and rebuild our marriage. She has always been my best friend and a wonderful mother. We've just drifted apart emotionally and physically over the years, which is what motivates my infidelity.

We are still in the same house, but the tension is awful.

Any advice on what to read or how to proceed in a no threatening way to get her to stay with me? I firmly believe that divorce will be awful for us both as I know we both still love one another and are hurting tremendously. I feel that I'd rather give every last ounce of energy to saving the marriage as opposed to ending it.

Any help would be appreciated.

Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

It sounds like you made strike two. I think it would be hard enough to have this happen once, but the second time make you very untrustworthy.

All you can do is change yourself and sometimes the other person sees the change and also changes. Trust is crucial in a healthy marriage and how she can gain confidence in you is hard for me to see.

I would plan for the worst and focus on changing your bad ways for your next relationship.

All in my humble opinion.


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## In_The_Wind

Are yall attending MC ?? if not now would be a good time to start do not beg grovel cry to her maybe try rebuilding trust for example if you tell her you will be home at 6pm be home at 6pm start doing things with her that yall did when you first started going out like when yall talked for hours etc if you have children get a babysitter and take her out movies, restraurants, etc develop some new hobbies together walking or jogging is a good one or walking in a park in the evening the key is to spend time without the pressures of the day and or children and watching TV does not count


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## TryingToReconcile

In_The_Wind said:


> Are yall attending MC ?? if not now would be a good time to start do not beg grovel cry to her maybe try rebuilding trust for example if you tell her you will be home at 6pm be home at 6pm start doing things with her that yall did when you first started going out like when yall talked for hours etc if you have children get a babysitter and take her out movies, restraurants, etc develop some new hobbies together walking or jogging is a good one or walking in a park in the evening the key is to spend time without the pressures of the day and or children and watching TV does not count


She will only do things with me if she has no choice. Like attending one of our kids sporting events. Time out together just the two of us is not something she's even remotely interested in. We barley talk. I'm doing my best not to argue with her or beg or cajole about MC anymore. I'm just trying to be present and show verbally and trough actions that I'm committed to being there for her and our kids no matter what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu

WHY on earth would you repeat this???? She already gave you a second chance right? What do you have to offer to prove yourself worthy of a third???


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## TryingToReconcile

canttrustu said:


> WHY on earth would you repeat this???? She already gave you a second chance right? What do you have to offer to prove yourself worthy of a third???


The first time was a flirtation. Not an affair. She was offended by my tone in a post to an old female friend. I deleted the post and the account at the time. I felt she was over reacting. I underestimated the pain it caused her the first time. I have much more insight now, but I had never had a full blown EA or PA until this event.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToReconcile

This is me said:


> It sounds like you made strike two. I think it would be hard enough to have this happen once, but the second time make you very untrustworthy.
> 
> All you can do is change yourself and sometimes the other person sees the change and also changes. Trust is crucial in a healthy marriage and how she can gain confidence in you is hard for me to see.
> 
> I would plan for the worst and focus on changing your bad ways for your next relationship.
> 
> All in my humble opinion.


I see your point, and I am already doing the work that needs to be done to assure I never do this to her again, or anyone in the future if God forbid this marriage ends. I have given her all of my account passwords, deleted all my social media accounts, have tried to account for my whereabouts at all times without her having to ask. I'm being completely transparent. I hope you're not right about this being beyond repair. I am doing my best to better myself while preparing for the worst.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu

TryingToReconcile said:


> The first time was a *flirtation. Not an affair*. She was offended by my tone in a post to an old female friend. I deleted the post and the account at the time.* I felt she was over reacting.* I underestimated the pain it caused her the first time. I have much more insight now, *but I had never had a full blown EA or PA until this event.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS is minimizing. You did something that YOU KNEW would likely cause GREAT animosity between your wife and yourself, correct? You gave your attentions to yet ANOTHER woman AFTER she let you know how she felt about merely 'flirting' so you escalated to a full blown Affair and now your confused???? Make NO mistake- in your wifes mind- THIS is indeed a second strike. Until you get that 100% youre going nowhere fast.


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## TryingToReconcile

canttrustu said:


> THIS is minimizing. You did something that YOU KNEW would likely cause GREAT animosity between your wife and yourself, correct? You gave your attentions to yet ANOTHER woman AFTER she let you know how she felt about merely 'flirting' so you escalated to a full blown Affair and now your confused???? Make NO mistake- in your wifes mind- THIS is indeed a second strike. Until you get that 100% youre going nowhere fast.


Like I said: I do see your point. Both acts were betrayals of trust and of our marriage. I'm not denying any of the pain my actions have caused or my responsibility for those actions. I'm just trying to find out what course I can take to have the best chance of convincing her that I'm worth one last shot. I truly do love her and I'm committed to doing whatever it takes to rebuild and repair our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Sounds like strike two, and now you are OUT.

I would divorce you too. Sorry.

What you did the first time crossed the line. You were given a second chance and you blew it. Learn from this huge mistake and take away this - DO NOT repeat it in whatever new relationship you manage to forge.


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## TryingToReconcile

Hope1964 said:


> Sounds like strike two, and now you are OUT.
> 
> I would divorce you too. Sorry.
> 
> What you did the first time crossed the line. You were given a second chance and you blew it. Learn from this huge mistake and take away this - DO NOT repeat it in whatever new relationship you manage to forge.



If I wanted to be told off I would have written this to my wife. If you can't say anything positive or constructive please don't interact with me. I'm looking for answers to the most painful problem I've ever had in my life, not reinforcement of how worthless I already feel for the pain I've inflicted on my wife and family. I'm doing a fine job of that on my own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu

Yep. Im R'ing after an EA. THIS is his ONLY shot. If I were her- I'd be gone knowing what I know now. 

I have no suggestions OP. If this happened to me at this point AFTER what we've been thru- Yeah, I'd be gone. She warned you. You've spent 20 yrs with this woman you HAD to know she wasnt about to tolerate an 18 month long affair and just let it go again. I do hope you get some counseling though and improve yourself. Be a better partner to the next woman. And be decent to your wife in this divorce- afterall its your fault.


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## canttrustu

TryingToReconcile said:


> The first time was a flirtation. Not an affair. She was offended by my tone in a post to an old female friend. I deleted the post and the account at the time. I felt she was over reacting. I underestimated the pain it caused her the first time. I have much more insight now, but I had never had a full blown EA or PA until this event.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS is not recognizing what you've done. NOT. THIS is rugsweeping and minimizing to the hilt. It was 'just flirting' yep, thats the first step. Just like when people say "it was supposed to be just sex but now I have feelings for her" yep, thats the way it works 1 little step at a time til youre in WAY over your head. Your wife knew this the first time she caught you. But YOU knew better. SHE was overreacting. See where that got you???


Also what have you offered her??? What are you doing to get her back? Besides words, what actions???


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## TryingToReconcile

canttrustu said:


> THIS is not recognizing what you've done. NOT. THIS is rugsweeping and minimizing to the hilt. It was 'just flirting' yep, thats the first step. Just like when people say "it was supposed to be just sex but now I have feelings for her" yep, thats the way it works 1 little step at a time til youre in WAY over your head. Your wife knew this the first time she caught you. But YOU knew better. SHE was overreacting. See where that got you???


I'm not denying the severity of what I've done. I'm looking for answers for what I can do now and from here on in to help rebuild trust and our relationship. I KNOW I caused her immense pain with these actions. I'm not minimizing what I've done. It's just that what I've done recently was far more deceitful and more of a betrayal than what I did before. I cannot focus on what I have done in the past, I can only learn from it and focus on doing what right from here on in. None of you have addressed my question: what steps can I take now to try to save my marriage if its even remotely possible?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu

TryingToReconcile said:


> I'm not denying the severity of what I've done. I'm looking for answers for what I can do now and from here on in to help rebuild trust and our relationship. I KNOW I caused her immense pain with these actions. I'm not minimizing what I've done. It's just that what I've done recently was far more deceitful and more of a betrayal than what I did before. I cannot focus on what I have done in the past, I can only learn from it and focus on doing what right from here on in. None of you have addressed my question: what steps can I take now to try to save my marriage if its even remotely possible?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, Ive asked you twice what YOU have DONE besides talk. WHAT have you done????????? Of your own valition? What have you done? There are threads on here for helpful suggestions for what to do as a WS. Have you given passwords? Closed your social networking? Read any books? To name a few...


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## daisygirl 41

TryingToReconcile said:


> I'm not denying the severity of what I've done. I'm looking for answers for what I can do now and from here on in to help rebuild trust and our relationship. I KNOW I caused her immense pain with these actions. I'm not minimizing what I've done. It's just that what I've done recently was far more deceitful and more of a betrayal than what I did before. I cannot focus on what I have done in the past, I can only learn from it and focus on doing what right from here on in. None of you have addressed my question: what steps can I take now to try to save my marriage if its even remotely possible?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your wife will view each betrayal equally. You have betrayed her trust on both occasions. How on earth do you expect her to trust you again?
There is not much you can do. You have to let her make her own mind up. 
Realise your wife is devastated and hurting badly.
Nothing you say to her now will make any difference!
Let your actions show her how you are willing to do all that is needed to fix this. Just be prepared that it could be too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu

Thorburn has an article that helps WS know what to do to hopefully R. Its the best I can do. Look it up.


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## underwater2010

As a BW with only one EA (facebook, email, sexting) I am willing to give my FWH of 13 yrs another chance. That being said it is his only chance.

I hate to tell you but you crossed the line a second time. You threw her love into the dirt once, but the second time you stomped on it. You have KILLED your marriage. There is NO excuse for a second affair. After seeing the devastation you caused the first my only question is HOW COULD YOU DO IT AGAIN? 

I would tell your soon to be ex wife to run for the hills. She deserves so much more than you are willing to give her. Stay in counciling and figure out your issues. Then maybe you can have a real relationship built on trust and respect.


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## underwater2010

TryingToReconcile said:


> She will only do things with me if she has no choice. Like attending one of our kids sporting events. Time out together just the two of us is not something she's even remotely interested in. We barley talk. I'm doing my best not to argue with her or beg or cajole about MC anymore. I'm just trying to be present and show verbally and trough actions that I'm committed to being there for her and our kids no matter what.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you blame her? I would not even want you in the same house. Those poor kids.


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## underwater2010

I know my posts sound harsh, but there is nothing you can do but grovel and tell/show her you love her. DO NOT expect anything in return. Only she can decide if you are worth another chance. You have learned a hard lesson, to bad it took a second smack upside the head for it to sink in.


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## daisygirl 41

She's probably wondering how many others times its happened to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bribrius

hmmm. i dunno.
you kind of deserve this, as already mentioned repeatedly.

About the only thing i can think of is a post nup. Which might only work if you have anything worth anything. Last chance post nup. Have a lawyer draw it up. In it sign away EVERTHING to her that you own on the grounds of in case you do it again, she walks with it ALL.
Explain it to her, you are willing to put everything you have up, or that you might get out of a divorce up, for one last chance.
And if you screw up then, you lose it all.
She may not even take that, but it might give her something to believe you by if you have something to lose and then you are taking more risk. Double down your bet, sort of speak. If you have two hundred k in your retirement, maybe a hundred k in home equity. Your next stupid mistake just cost you a minimum of a 150k for you online affair plus whatever else and child support perhaps.


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## Hope1964

TryingToReconcile said:


> If I wanted to be told off I would have written this to my wife. If you can't say anything positive or constructive please don't interact with me. I'm looking for answers to the most painful problem I've ever had in my life, not reinforcement of how worthless I already feel for the pain I've inflicted on my wife and family. I'm doing a fine job of that on my own.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not trying to tell you off. I am telling you the truth. I am sorry you don't want to hear it.

The pain you are feeling is nothing compared to what your wife is feeling. but I do know something of your pain. I am currently reconciling with my WH and I see what he goes through.

There are many articles and links in the CWI forum, a couple of which are linked in my sig and others. I suggest you do a few hours of reading so that you understand what she's going through. Then all you can do is wait for her to make a decision. It's out of your hands now.


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## COfan

Hello, Trying,
I can tell you and your wife are both hurting. What a hard place to be in.  I hope you guys can work on this and find a way to build a strong marriage. Let us know how things work out.


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## tom67

Yea a second time? I'm sorry but her trust in you is gone and don't see it ending well.


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## Abstract Annie

Hey, my husband and I are reconciling after his EA online also. It was, and continues to be a very painful experience for me. I'm not your wife, I don't know what, if anything, can be done to make things better. I'll try and help though.

I truly believe you're sorry, that you went to a place you never imagined you would go, but your wife is paying for that now. Te her that has to live with the thoughts of what you did. It's her that thinks back to times when you were intimate and wonders, "was he thinking of her at the time?". She is effectively paying for your sins, and that's a very difficult thin to move on from. To me it sounds like she's feeling defeated. The wall has gone up. You can say until you're blue in the face that it will never happen again, but there is no solid way to prove that. Only time will tell, but giving you the gift of time is giving you a measure of trust that she obviously doesn't have for you anymore.

MC is imperative at this point. It's helped DH and I tremendously. Would you be willing to read up on the subject? There's a book I'm reading that might be useful. Give her all usernames and passwords to your emails and such. My husband even let's me GPS track him from his phone at any give time. I rarely use it, but knowing I can is of some comfort.

Like I said, I'm not her. She may have decided to check out already. I know I would if my DH did it again. Give her time, maybe a separation wouldn't be such a bad thing, but don't just not talk with her. Try and date her again. Do everything you can to show her you're sorry. But just understand that you saying "I'll never do his again" will mean nothing. You don't truly know that, and neither does she. She has to decide if you're truly worth the risk of having her heart crushed again.


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## TryingToReconcile

Abstract Annie said:


> Hey, my husband and I are reconciling after his EA online also. It was, and continues to be a very painful experience for me. I'm not your wife, I don't know what, if anything, can be done to make things better. I'll try and help though.
> 
> I truly believe you're sorry, that you went to a place you never imagined you would go, but your wife is paying for that now. Te her that has to live with the thoughts of what you did. It's her that thinks back to times when you were intimate and wonders, "was he thinking of her at the time?". She is effectively paying for your sins, and that's a very difficult thin to move on from. To me it sounds like she's feeling defeated. The wall has gone up. You can say until you're blue in the face that it will never happen again, but there is no solid way to prove that. Only time will tell, but giving you the gift of time is giving you a measure of trust that she obviously doesn't have for you anymore.
> 
> MC is imperative at this point. It's helped DH and I tremendously. Would you be willing to read up on the subject? There's a book I'm reading that might be useful. Give her all usernames and passwords to your emails and such. My husband even let's me GPS track him from his phone at any give time. I rarely use it, but knowing I can is of some comfort.
> 
> Like I said, I'm not her. She may have decided to check out already. I know I would if my DH did it again. Give her time, maybe a separation wouldn't be such a bad thing, but don't just not talk with her. Try and date her again. Do everything you can to show her you're sorry. But just understand that you saying "I'll never do his again" will mean nothing. You don't truly know that, and neither does she. She has to decide if you're truly worth the risk of having her heart crushed again.


I have literally begged her to go to marriage counselling with me to break down our barriers to communication. In fact, I begged her years ago too. She refused to go then and even more so now.That's gotten me nowhere so I've stopped asking. It just seems to push her farther away. As far as actions, I'm doing everything I can. I know talking can't make her trust me. I've confessed everything and given every gruesome detail she requested. I've given her access to all my email accounts and my phone. Deleted all social media accounts, and I'm trying to back off and demand nothing in return. She has my schedule and knows my whereabouts at every turn. I don't want to give her any more reason to add to her to distrust of me.

I am heartbroken at the pain and insecurity and loss I've caused her, and wish to God I hadn't done what I have done. I know I cannot force her to do anything, I just want to prove to her that I am sincere and will do anything in my power to understand and change my behavior and make it worth her while to stay and try with me.

I truly do love her, and although we had drifted apart over the years, she has always been my best friend and partner in all things. I hope against hope that we can rebuild our marriage and trust and love, and that we can be intimate spouses again one day.

She is in no way obligated to give me another chance after the horrible pain I've caused her, but I just want to know I've given every last effort in the attempt to earn her consideration in that regard.


Thank you for your perspective.


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## underwater2010

TryingToReconcile said:


> I have literally begged her to go to marriage counselling with me to break down our barriers to communication. In fact, I begged her years ago too. She refused to go then and even more so now.That's gotten me nowhere so I've stopped asking. It just seems to push her farther away. As far as actions, I'm doing everything I can. I know talking can't make her trust me. I've confessed everything and given every gruesome detail she requested. I've given her access to all my email accounts and my phone. Deleted all social media accounts, and I'm trying to back off and demand nothing in return. She has my schedule and knows my whereabouts at every turn. I don't want to give her any more reason to add to her to distrust of me.
> 
> I am heartbroken at the pain and insecurity and loss I've caused her, and wish to God I hadn't done what I have done. I know I cannot force her to do anything, I just want to prove to her that I am sincere and will do anything in my power to understand and change my behavior and make it worth her while to stay and try with me.
> 
> I truly do love her, and although we had drifted apart over the years, she has always been my best friend and partner in all things. I hope against hope that we can rebuild our marriage and trust and love, and that we can be intimate spouses again one day.
> 
> She is in no way obligated to give me another chance after the horrible pain I've caused her, but I just want to know I've given every last effort in the attempt to earn her consideration in that regard.
> 
> 
> Thank you for your perspective.


It sounds as though you are doing everything you possibly can. The problem is that it is a little to late. Not everyone is strong enough to try again. Not everyone is strong enough to leave. Both avenues are open to her right now. You can only be proactive and wait for her to make the decision. It is sad that you have created this world. I hate to say it but it sounds like she checked out. Good Luck!!


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## Coffee Amore

TryingToReconcile said:


> I have literally begged her to go to marriage counselling with me to break down our barriers to communication. In fact, I begged her years ago too. She refused to go then and even more so now.That's gotten me nowhere so I've stopped asking. It just seems to push her farther away. As far as actions, I'm doing everything I can. I know talking can't make her trust me. I've confessed everything and given every gruesome detail she requested. I've given her access to all my email accounts and my phone. Deleted all social media accounts, and I'm trying to back off and demand nothing in return. She has my schedule and knows my whereabouts at every turn. I don't want to give her any more reason to add to her to distrust of me.
> 
> I am heartbroken at the pain and insecurity and loss I've caused her, and wish to God I hadn't done what I have done. I know I cannot force her to do anything, I just want to prove to her that I am sincere and will do anything in my power to understand and change my behavior and make it worth her while to stay and try with me.
> 
> I truly do love her, and although we had drifted apart over the years, she has always been my best friend and partner in all things. I hope against hope that we can rebuild our marriage and trust and love, and that we can be intimate spouses again one day.
> 
> She is in no way obligated to give me another chance after the horrible pain I've caused her, but I just want to know I've given every last effort in the attempt to earn her consideration in that regard.
> 
> 
> Thank you for your perspective.


Talk is cheap at this point. You've showed your words don't mean much since you've lied so often. You must have said many lies to keep your affair going. Actions are what matters, but if she's decided that your second affair is a dealbreaker (and she's completely within her rights to decide that) then there's not much you can do.

While deleting your social media accounts and giving passwords to your betrayed spouse are good actions, and often recommended by infidelity experts, the truth is some people don't want to be parol officers for their spouses. They don't want a marriage where they have to monitor their spouse's whereabouts every day. Your wife may be one of those people. She doesn't want to be your prison warden. She wants to be a wife.


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## indiecat

It's a tough situation. And no doubt you've asked her to go to MC, and told her how very remorseful you are for hurting her. I suppose the high road would be to tell her that you want her to be happy, and though you very much want to be with her, you will let her make her own decision and not pressure her. Ask her if she would agree to a separation period and not rush to divorce.


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## Lostinthis

indiecat said:


> It's a tough situation. And no doubt you've asked her to go to MC, and told her how very remorseful you are for hurting her. I suppose the high road would be to tell her that you want her to be happy, and though you very much want to be with her, you will let her make her own decision and not pressure her. Ask her if she would agree to a separation period and not rush to divorce.


I hope you didn't ask her for separation. because that will make it much worse, she will think that you want separation cos you want to go back to your old way. and confuse her more.
She is confused, Hurt and scared. and she got hit with low self steam.............That plus being a Mom, work.
YOU need to hand her your left nut. offer to give her access to all your accounts even your work email. CLOSE facebook totally and you may never have facebook ever again. if she said NO. write them on piece of paper and hang it on the Fridge close to the handle and don't tell her that you did that. guess what she will check on you when she is ready to work on it and see that she can trust you again. if you have an Iphone get find my iphone app. any wrong move will slim your chances forever. you MAYBE miserable for 18 MONTH but if you love your wife and family, you will have whatever it takes attitude.
Don't ask for separation. don't tell her that she is the best Mom that is why you wanna stay with her. offer any answer to her question but remmber any answers about the EA should be to the miumun to that question, don't tell her extra details she didn't ask for. becuase that will make image in her head and backfire later. don't blame her for anything. when things start to improve give her hints that you are missing her as wife.

Do the opposite of the above if you will be happy seeing your wife married to another man in the future.

About me. Separated Man who was cheated on by his wife after 8 years of marriage. and I wish she did this or understand what I was going through instead she did all the opposite of this.

YOU DID THIS AND YOU NEED TO FIX IT. She will never dump you for trying to build TRUST!!!!!!!!!


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## Bobby5000

He is entitled to minimize it because it wasn't an affair. I wasn't right, and did violate trust, but it was not an affair. Obviously there are many things that cause great animosity that are not affairs. "Until you get that 100% youre going nowhere fast." Other than disagreeing with this lady, I am not sure what you should do. Part of me feels like you two should discuss the underlying problems, and see what's bothering you and work on it. 

One supposes from her perspective, she does not want to constantly worry you are thinking about someone else, and being with someone who finds others more attractive. She may be saying either love me fully or go away and if there is something preventing you from loving her, than that should be discussed. 







canttrustu said:


> THIS is minimizing. You did something that YOU KNEW would likely cause GREAT animosity between your wife and yourself, correct? You gave your attentions to yet ANOTHER woman AFTER she let you know how she felt about merely 'flirting' so you escalated to a full blown Affair and now your confused???? Make NO mistake- in your wifes mind- THIS is indeed a second strike. Until you get that 100% youre going nowhere fast.


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