# Need to make a Decision - Torn



## jojo72 (Jan 23, 2009)

Well, I will join the people looking for advice here. Long story short ( as much as I can), been married 7 years, have a 2 year old. Have not had any affairs, but been tempted. Not attracted to husband at all anymore, no sex in a year. Enjoy going out with friends because I feel free. In couples counseling, and individual counseling. Individual thinks a trial separation might help to sort through things. Husband wants all or nothing - no trials. Home from work today, sad, confused, looking for answers and just not knowing how to find them. How can you be best friends with someone, but still feel like you are missing out on life? Feel trapped when I am with him, but can't imagine him not being there either. He loves me more than anything, and I can not say the same. When are you being a selfish jerk vs. being true to yourself? THese are what I am wrestling with - I am leaning towards a separation - but the thought of all the logistics overwhelms me. Any words of wisdom?


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Why does your husband want it to be all or nothing , with no chance of a better relationship and a sorting out of issues that nmay result from a seperation? I ask because my husband said the same thing to me...a seperation leads straight to divorce in his eyes too - no coming back. 

How is he as a father? How much effort does he put into the relationship? Are there other issues besides a lack of attraction and therefore sex? How well do you feel you two communicate?

It sounds like you are still attached to him, but is that because you are simply afraid of being alone and being a single parent facing the unknown or because you are still not quite sure of how you feel about him?

You ask whether you are being selfish, but it seems you have taken steps to save your marriage....are you really asking if you have a right to find happiness?


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## jojo72 (Jan 23, 2009)

Those are great questions - he is a good dad actually. Up until now, I have been the one doing the individual counseling - he is "supposed" to start his own next week. Our communication has been awful. It has gotten better since we started counseling, but after years of no communication, a lot is built up.
I am attached to him. We actually discussed/decided on a separation last night, and then when I saw him with our daughter this morning, I felt so sad and scared. And yes, I am terrified of the logistics of a separation/divorce. 
He loves me more than anything - and I don't feel the same. Deep down, I don't think that is fair to him. But it is so hard to let go. Especially when there is no abuse, infidelity, or "bad stuff" to push me. He is generally a nice guy - hence the guilt. 
And I agree that a separation might actually help me sort through some things. I thought we could start with a trial - I could go stay with my folks for a month or something - but he wants it legal because he's done going "back and forth". Hmmm.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

I totally understand about the whole fear of going it on your own. My sister has been through a divorce and has told me the first year is the worst - the one where you question yourself over why you thought it was a good idea in the first place, but that after that it all becomes easier. My best friend from High School also said that it can be very difficult and that there is never a good time to get a divorce, but she has no regrets over doing so - she said she knew it was the right thing to do to give her some happiness - she knew he would never change.

You say your husband is "supposed" to start counselling...has he made and missed appointments before or just kept putting it off because something else keeps coming up?


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

jojo72:

I can relate to what you're saying, even though our issues are very different. I haven't been attracted to my wife (for several reasons), for years, but stuck it out, because I believed it was the right thing to do. We've been married 21 years.

We went to a lot of counseling together in the past 3-4 years, but it ultimately ended up in a separation. We've been separated for 10 months now, but talk several times/week. We have 2 kids; 16 & 18 yrs old. 

For the most part, I believe our marriage is over, but it's so hard to let go and pull the divorce trigger...even with all the unresolved issues that have killed our relationship.

Hopefully you're husband will make his counseling appointments and the two of you can resolve your differences and have a happy, fulfilling relationship.


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## jojo72 (Jan 23, 2009)

He hasn't missed any appointments yet - but was supposed to start going months ago and never got around to it. 
We are trying - going to go on a date tonight - for me, it seems like one last attempt to reconnect and try to see if anything "sparks" so to speak. We'll go from there. Thank you for your advice and wisdom. I'll keep you posted.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Hope the date night goes well...try to avoid talking about all the issues in your relationship and concentrate on having fun instead...talk about good times you have enjoyed together, your first date perhaps, maybe even the weather...lol...but try to keep it fun and light hearted if at all possible. 

Scottish Proverb
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.

Robert Anthony
Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Hmm i understand your situation wish mine was like yours in some ways but tough is tough either way , but i seen some people say they new there significant other would never change , Now what if that other does take the steps to change does that effect anything or are you still just set in mind and going to go through with it out of pride or some other reason or is it going to make you think about it seriously or what?? For you JoJo all i can say is if he is that good maybe you can try to spend more time with him doing more fun things with him excitement a lot of the time brings that spark back that may be buried underneath the confusion.. give that some thought and maybe discuss that with your other half and see what you both think of that ??


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Were you attracted in the beginning?

If so, what changed?

Is he not emotionally engaged or is he TOO emotionally engaged/too close to you, crowding you? 

Is he fun/playful/aggressive with you? In and out of bed?






jojo72 said:


> Well, I will join the people looking for advice here. Long story short ( as much as I can), been married 7 years, have a 2 year old. Have not had any affairs, but been tempted. Not attracted to husband at all anymore, no sex in a year. Enjoy going out with friends because I feel free. In couples counseling, and individual counseling. Individual thinks a trial separation might help to sort through things. Husband wants all or nothing - no trials. Home from work today, sad, confused, looking for answers and just not knowing how to find them. How can you be best friends with someone, but still feel like you are missing out on life? Feel trapped when I am with him, but can't imagine him not being there either. He loves me more than anything, and I can not say the same. When are you being a selfish jerk vs. being true to yourself? THese are what I am wrestling with - I am leaning towards a separation - but the thought of all the logistics overwhelms me. Any words of wisdom?


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