# Wanting separation and/or divorce...



## Leaise Igoa (Sep 7, 2010)

I posted this in another area and got 58 views but no comments. I am really hoping to get some input from anyone. Thank you.

I got married a little over a month ago but I have wanted a divorce since about 3 days after the wedding. I actually tried to break off the engagement at least 3 times before the wedding happened but she was so emotional and swore to me that she would do whatever it took to change so I believed her.

My wife has some serious anger issues and will get very mad, to the point of screaming and cussing at me, and it seems to get more and more frequent. She will accuse me of things and say hurtful things to me when she is upset. If I do the same to her though, it will just elevate her rage.

When we first started dating I never saw this side of her, although years ago she dated a friend of mine and he told me he had to break up with her because she was always mad at him. We started dating 4 or 5 years after knowing each other. I thought she had changed. Once we decided we wanted to be married, her anger started to surface. Small things would set her off and she would become very hostile, rude and aggressive. These mood swings would soon turn into her gritting her teeth, balling her hands into fists and using colorful language. We had a few talks about it and she apologized about it and described them as isolated incidents that would never happen again. The situation did not improve so I told her I wanted to end the relationship. She cried and begged me to give her another chance and that she would do everything in her power to change. These events continued to repeat themselves but each time she promised that this time would really be different and then gave me a guilt trip if I didnt believe her and have "faith" in her. I came to realize that repeatedly asking her to change was not working.

For some dumb reason I thought that if I reflected her anger back at her she would see how ugly it is and it might cause a change in her attitude. So every time she got angry, I decided to match her anger and volume or even exceed it. We then got into huge fights that consisted of extreme volume levels, finger-pointing, recalling past faults, name-calling, swearing and I even started punching inanimate objects out of anger. Needless to say, this method did not work. It just made hate the person I was turning into.

So I decided to try being more passive than ever. I started showing no signs of stress when she would try to provoke me to anger. When she would yell I would calmly try to persuade her to lower her voice. I tried to sit and speak in the most non threatening manner possible to get her to stop being angry so that we could communicate more effectively. This method also did nothing to curb her automatic response of anger toward any situation of which the outcome was not to her liking.

I have tried many times over the past 6 months to persuade her to join me for marriage counseling but she will adamantly refuse every time. One time she met with one of our religious leaders by herself but since then has made no effort to do anything like that again. Her reason for discontinuing those meetings were due to the fact that she "doesn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about our marriage." Once while she was admitting to having anger issues, she agreed to go look for some books that might help her change. We went to Barnes & Nobles and she picked out 2 books but since then has spent very little time with them because she claims she doesn't understand them or that they're of no interest to her. Its hard for me to believe that she wants to change when she makes no effort to try and understand the books or to get new books, or any other resource, that might help. I'd also like to note that the time she sought counseling and the time she got those books were immediately following me expressing that I wanted to leave her.

I am beyond frustrated with her. We fight around 2 times a week and in bad weeks up to 4 or 5 times. Every fight makes me feel less and less in love with her. She has already noticed that my desire to have sex with her, talk to her and spend time with her is gradually declining. I am constantly having to defend my every word and action because she takes offense to so many things, regardless of the fact that I don't ever do anything to intentionally upset her. Work can be stressful but I love my time at work because that is the one place she cannot be negative towards me. It is my escape from her which makes me not want to leave work at the end of the day.

I want to leave her. I have wanted to end this relationship for about 7 months now but she will not let me. One time she saw me packing my bags and she grabbed my stuff and threw it all over the house while screaming at me "you're not leaving me!" She is so full of rage and fury when she is angry that Im afraid to know what she'll do when I actually do leave her. I need to get away from her but I have no idea how to do it. Advice?


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

If I were you and had no kids in a new marriage I would: Pack my bags while she's at work and head directly to an attorney.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Mom said:


> If I were you and had no kids in a new marriage I would: Pack my bags while she's at work and head directly to an attorney.


+1 to the above.

If you continue to have sex with your wife, make sure you are using multiple forms of birth control until you resolve these arguments.

I would suggest when your wife goes on the warpath as you described, in a calm voice tell her you will continue the discussion when she calms down. Make if very clear that you will not tolerate this behavior, you will not tolerate her cussing at you, throwing things, etc. Disengage from the argument, and insist that she treat you like a human being. Leave the house, go to another room, what ever it takes, do not tolerate this behavior.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

Get out now...... no doubt. She needs lots of help and unless you have the time, patience, and a deeeeeep love then you are in for years of therapy and then that may not be enough.


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## LADYGAINES (Aug 30, 2010)

I'm sorry. I can't recall a time when I ever suggested someone leave until now. Get out, leave, head for the borders as soon as you can. Don't for get to update this post when you do so we know tha she hasn't resorted to physical violence against you. If she is home when you leave please consider having a police escort. This is a horrible living situation and thank God there are no children in the picture. If you can't raise children with this woman [if you want any] there would be no point in staying with her. I think you have given it your best. You have talked, tried methods that failed, suggested counseling, been there with her to buy books etc. She just doesn't get it. Or doesn't take you seriously. But a normal well balanced woman would get the hint which leaves me to believe this woman is in need of medication.


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## Leaise Igoa (Sep 7, 2010)

Thank you so much, you guys. This weekend her rage and violence reached an all time high and I was attacked several times. Saturday I tried to call the police but she managed to keep knocking the phone away from me. Finally yesterday(Sunday) after she became violent with me again, I contacted the police and they showed up. They helped me to get my things packed and leave safely. Im now staying at a relative's house and I feel that I did the right thing.
Im struggling a little because I really do love her so much but I just cant take the abuse anymore. We've been in contact by phone and she said she has made an appointment to receive help for her anger. I told her that Im not even going to consider coming back until I hear from a professional directly that she has been going in and is making a lot of improvement. Is that too kind of me or am I being to harsh?
She is also trying to tell me that she is pregnant but when she just took a few pregnancy tests a week ago I know that they came out negative. I dont believe she's pregnant but since I left she's been trying to tell me that she is. She also keeps trying to give me reasons why I need to come back and give her rides to places or talk to her. She claimed to get locked out of the house when she went for a walk and that she needed me to come open the door, she said she forgot something in my car so I need to come back, and then she called me in the middle of the night crying about pain in her stomach and that I needed to come pick her up and take her to the hospital. I told her to take ibuprofen and then I turned off my phone. I felt so cold doing that. I had the hardest time dealing with that decision but I just dont trust her anymore. Then I spoke to her this morning and she said her stomach feels fine now. I just hate hanging up on her, not being there when she needs me, and ignoring the majority of her calls. At the same time Im so conflicted because she uses my kindness against me to control and manipulate me. Even tho she is abusive I cant get past how much I love her and I really hope and pray every day that she will change. I want children but I will not raise them in an abusive environment.


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