# I'm concerned...



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

So, my husband and I have gone through a miscarriage over the last few weeks. Although the physical process seems to be nearing its end, the emotional recovery process has been slow. I definitely expected this, and my husband and I have a great support system. I'm doing much better lately; letting go of the guilt, allowing myself to grieve when I need to, etc. 

But, I'm really concerned for my husband. Physically I've needed support and assistance, and he's been there every step of the way. He holds me when I cry, he reassures me and supports me. But I don't think he's grieved at all. I've asked him if he's okay, because I want to support him like he has supported me, and he says he's fine. I asked him if he's grieved and he says, "No, not really. I don't feel like I need to."

Is this common? My husband nearly always stuffs his feelings away until he doesn't notice them anymore, and he's always struggled with being open about his feelings. He's never been dishonest about them, but he rarely(if ever) says how he feels without being asked. And even then, he doesn't go into detail. I'm worried that he needs to grieve, but doesn't know how. And I sure as heck don't know what to do to help him...

Advice please? I don't know what the consequences might be if he doesn't let himself grieve...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm really sorry about your loss,C2W.

When I miscarried while married to my ex,he didn't grieve at all.He said his concern for me and helping me get through the physical pain and emotional trauma of it.

I always wondered if maybe some men don't register it as a real loss the way we do?Not that they don't consider it a loss but perhaps it doesn't hit them as hard for some reason?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

from what I've read, this is a fairly common reaction

he's detached himself so he won't have to feel the loss and also to be "strong" for you

unfortunately, miscarriages and other such similar tragedies can really cause major damage to a marriage

I wish I could offer helpful advice other than to keep open and honest communication about it


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

We haven't had issues yet, but I'm worried that if he doesn't grieve, issues may arise in the future. I can't _make_ him, obviously...and I don't want him to feel that he has to cry and make a fuss like I did. So I have no idea what to do....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> We haven't had issues yet, but I'm worried that if he doesn't grieve, issues may arise in the future. I can't _make_ him, obviously...and I don't want him to feel that he has to cry and make a fuss like I did. So I have no idea what to do....


well the key is patience and understanding that his grieving process is different than yours. Just be there if or when he needs you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I always wondered if maybe some men don't register it as a real loss the way we do?Not that they don't consider it a loss but perhaps it doesn't hit them as hard for some reason?


I think there is something to this. I know that I never felt the pregnancy the way my wife did, and it certainly never felt "real" until later into it. Intellectually, I know it was real, but I did not feel that connection like she did.

We had a scare early for our second child. It took a couple of days to get in to confirm that it was nothing, but it really shook my wife. While I was sad, it did not hit me like it hit her. I know part of that is our personalities and how we handle grief, but I do think part was because it occurred so early that it did not register emotionally like it did for her.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Honestly, miscarriage is so different for everyone. I've miscarried once (possibly twice, but that was unconfirmed), and I didn't grieve. I just never bonded with my babies in early pregnancy, and I understood that miscarriage is common. I tend to keep this to myself, because I don't want anyone to think that just because I didn't feel a loss, I think that theirs is less valid.

So, not a man, but I'm sure if it's possible for a woman to feel this way, it's much more common for a man to feel it too.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

First off, let me say I am genuinely sorry for your loss.

It is such a mixed bag for men. We get pounded - via societyr- by that message that we're supposed to be strong, women don't want weakness, we need to be the rock, etc. It sounds like he did that.. At the same time, we hear, "Open up, share your feelings..." It can be exhausting trying to strike a balance.

I am sure your husband is greiving inside. It sounds like he has pushed it aside in the interest of comforting you. You offered to help him cope and he declined - gently to you, I assume. In that case, just assure him that you are there for him. Watch and make sure he is not exhibiting signs of depression or misdirected anger; confront those as you would at any other point of your marriage. At the same time, neither of you should let grief become the defining emotion of your marriage. So erstwhile parents do and the union never recovers. After a suitable mourning period, a life together still beckons.

In the meantime, let him be. He may simply internalize his loss. Many men do and if they so opt, they just have to bear it alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Honestly, miscarriage is so different for everyone. I've miscarried once (possibly twice, but that was unconfirmed), and I didn't grieve. I just never bonded with my babies in early pregnancy, and I understood that miscarriage is common. I tend to keep this to myself, because I don't want anyone to think that just because I didn't feel a loss, I think that theirs is less valid.


This is an excellent point that should definitely be considered.

I think it makes sense that you didn't feel a loss for an early term miscarriage.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I think there is something to this. I know that I never felt the pregnancy the way my wife did, and it certainly never felt "real" until later into it. Intellectually, I know it was real, but I did not feel that connection like she did.
> 
> We had a scare early for our second child. It took a couple of days to get in to confirm that it was nothing, but it really shook my wife. While I was sad, it did not hit me like it hit her. I know part of that is our personalities and how we handle grief, but I do think part was because it occurred so early that it did not register emotionally like it did for her.


I guess what worries me is that he usually does feel things really strongly, but _never_ tells me so until I bring something up. He's been this way since I've known him, and while it's never caused major issues, it has been difficult for me because I want him to be open about how he feels when things happen; whether that be something I do that hurts him, or stress from his job, or the miscarriage, etc. If he's in pain I don't want him to suffer alone. 

But if he says he isn't in pain, then I guess I can only believe him...


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

First, I'm very sorry for your loss 

Like other people mentioned, I think people react to this much differently. 

You know when people get pregnant and some say men don't really 'get it' till the baby is actually there? So maybe for some men it doesn't really 'register' or click so when a miscarriage happens, they don't feel the loss in the same way. 

Anyways, I'm sorry for your loss, I would just tell your husband you're there to talk if he wants to but otherwise you just have to take it as his word that he doesn't have anything else to share, at least not now.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

C2W,

Having been in the position that your husband is currently in I will say that he is acting normally.

The main difference between my wife and I when she suffered her miscarriages was the basic fact that you carried that life within you and your body nutured that life. I truly believe that a man cannot appreciate what that means and like your husband, I was more concerned with the affect the loss had on her and what it did to her than what it did to me.

Do I ever wonder what could have been? Of course but not often and I do not dwell on those type of thoughts. I was happy that eventually my wife was OK and we still had many tommorrows to look forward to together.

My condolences on your loss


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Don't push him, it might anger him and you'll get nothing out of him. Try someone neutral, if he has a sister or even a close friend to perhaps just ask him in a casual way if he's ok with what has happened.
If he says he's ok, accept it. I know you are concerned for him and that is admirable, but if you keep at it he might think that you don't respect his answer...and you don't want that.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

If your husband was normally very expressive, and this stoicism was a new development, then I think you would correct to be concerned. Since this is normal for him, I think you should just let him be.

Good luck.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Sorry to hear it C2W. It has been a very long time since this happened to us, but I agree with some of the others - we don't necessarily get emotionally attached. Might depend on how long he knew. 

When we did have success, I think it was after we went for the sonigram or maybe once she started to show that I felt attached. That is probably different for different men.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> So, my husband and I have gone through a miscarriage over the last few weeks. Although the physical process seems to be nearing its end, the emotional recovery process has been slow. I definitely expected this, and my husband and I have a great support system. I'm doing much better lately; letting go of the guilt, allowing myself to grieve when I need to, etc.
> 
> But, I'm really concerned for my husband. Physically I've needed support and assistance, and he's been there every step of the way. He holds me when I cry, he reassures me and supports me. But I don't think he's grieved at all. I've asked him if he's okay, because I want to support him like he has supported me, and he says he's fine. I asked him if he's grieved and he says, "No, not really. I don't feel like I need to."
> 
> ...


This is very common. I have been this may most of my life. I am actually trying to deal with all of it now.

Many of us guys were brought up this way. We just take the pain and the loss. We suck it up. We hold it in. 

He may just need some time. He lost a child. His wife has gone and is going though a tough time. He actually wants to take on your pain for you. So he is being stoic. He is probably afraid to let go. He may not even realize this. It could be six months from now and he may just break down. 

He may need to discuss this someone. He is probably wanting to show the strong face for you. So you can lean on him. I totally get it. We put ourselves in harms way.

But yeah, he is hurting. He may not know how much yet.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My 2 cents ...

He is acutely aware of how this has impacted you. YOU are his focus. YOU are his concern.

The loss simply doesn't impact him, nor does he even see it, in the same way you are experiencing. 

He needs his wife. He knows his wife needs him. 

Let him know if he needs support that you are available ... and leave it at that.
Don't ruminate over whether he is dealing with it or not.

I have a very close friend who lost her son two weeks before his due date. She had to go through the entire labor and delivery process ... knowing full well what was waiting on the other side of that experience.

Her husband wanted to be there for her. Was he hurt? Of course, but being able to put the needs of those we love before our own is at times exactly what we need to do.

Let him deal with it in his own way. And I can all but guarantee that his way, will be very very different than your way.

I wish your family nothing but love during this challenging time.


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## Sennik (Feb 15, 2011)

I can tell you that after my wife's miscarriage I was all about supporting her and her grief. I was a little sad, but not even close to the level she was. I just did not have the same connection she did.

It was not until years later that it hit me like a ton of bricks when a good friend of mine noted that there was a 'big gap' in our kid's ages. That gap of course was our miscarried child.

I would let him process in his own way, just be ready to support him when/if he needs it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you so much for the replies. My husband and I are very different when it comes to emotional expression, and while I know we will never deal with things the same way, I felt that we should be dealing with this at the same time. I see now how that probably wouldn't be possible. He has been supporting me and being there when I need him to be. Now, I really want to do the same for him, but I definitely don't want him to feel disrespected or smothered...so I'll do as others have suggested and reassure him of my support, and then let him deal with things the way he needs to. 

I worry about him, so I'm just going to have to suck it up and let him alone until he comes to me, if he even does. And that's going to be an opportunity for me to grow.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I think this is a very typical reaction. My husband and I suffered a loss early on, right after we first began having sex. I had a difficult time with it, but it never affected him in the same way. Guys typically don't feel the loss the same way we do. Most men don't even really consider it a 'child' or feel like a real dad until the baby is born. It's like the saying that women become mother's once conception occurs, but men become father's once the baby is born and placed in their arms. I'd make sure he knows you are there for him, but I wouldn't worry about him so much. He's dealing with it the same way many do.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> We haven't had issues yet, but I'm worried that if he doesn't grieve, issues may arise in the future. I can't _make_ him, obviously...and I don't want him to feel that he has to cry and make a fuss like I did. So I have no idea what to do....


I suggest he's grieves in his own way. I have known a few couples to go through this and it hits the wife much harder. I think it's because she is the one carrying the child. He is not yet as emotionally attached. 

I recommend just letting him be and in time I think it will set in.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

northernlights said:


> Honestly, miscarriage is so different for everyone. I've miscarried once (possibly twice, but that was unconfirmed), and I didn't grieve. I just never bonded with my babies in early pregnancy, and I understood that miscarriage is common. I tend to keep this to myself, because I don't want anyone to think that just because I didn't feel a loss, I think that theirs is less valid.
> 
> So, not a man, but I'm sure if it's possible for a woman to feel this way, it's much more common for a man to feel it too.


I've had one miscarriage and this is how I was as well.. it was very early, I only knew about the pregnancy a week, even had a dream I was going to loose it...and I'd be OK... I think I was worried as I had 0 morning sickness (not normal for me) and felt something wasn't right...

I grieved this very quickly, got some books at the Library, read them ....cried ...knew we'd try again and it was over... 

I can't say my husband felt much of that.. or any of it really, he just felt bad it happened and that was that. We both felt it was more of a blessing, if it was going to happen that it happened THAT EARLY...I can't imagine loosing one at 5- 6 months or later... that would be traumatic. 

Being a 1st...this is what was so very hard.... one good thing...you are very fertile Created2Write.... even on Birth control ! Miscarriages are very common... Maybe your husband just looks at it more logically (as many men do)... and trusts you will walk this way again...and all will go smoothly... and chances are ...IT WILL !


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Created

Lots of good advice here so I will just add my expressions of sympathy to that of others.

Best wishes for the future.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband could not feel any real attachment to the baby until he could touch them. Prior to that the pregnancy was an abstract idea. I think he may not be experiencing the kind of mourning you are feeling because he had not yet attached to the baby, even though he probably had attached to the idea of the baby.


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