# Does reconciliation ever work out?



## Y17

My husband and I were married for 8 years. We have only been separated for about 2 months. We have been living apart and have not had any contact until Easter. Our kids have been living with me and he did not have visitation until Easter. We haven't spoken to each other, but he left a letter in one of our kids backpacks saying that he was going to change, that he was going to get help for problems that he has and he wants his family back together. I'm pregnant, due in 2 months, and emotionally a mess. It has been extremely difficult transitioning to a single parent and making a lot of sacrifices. I don't want to make the wrong decision, on either end of the spectrum.


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## Relationship Teacher

Separations tend to make things worse. There needs to be interaction for things to progress well.


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## Evinrude58

What does he need to change?


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## aine

It is good to have a break, a breather however, you need to be taking some action, such as getting IC or MC, concrete steps to either fix it or to move on.


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## Y17

If I were to decide to try to reconcile I would put in an effort to do so. As it stands right now I'm planning to let the divorce go through. 

He is very controlling. He wants things done his way and only his way. Such as, our school-aged kids have been homeschooled (by me) because that's what he wanted. He chose what we had for dinner everyday, even though I was the one making it. He didn't control every single aspect of our life, but many. More towards me than our kids. Towards the end his control behavior got worse and he was doing things such as taking my cellphone or car keys and being very controlling and stuck in his ways towards sex. He wrote a 4 page letter about how he wants to fix himself, that he knows he has a problem and was wrong, doesn't want to lose our marriage and family. I don't want to be stupid and give him a chance, but I don't want to be stupid and not give him a chance.


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## hifromme67

That isn't controlling, that's considered domestic violence/abuse. By taking your cell phone and keys is very abusive. If he is being honest about getting help, he needs individual counseling and then marital counseling. 


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## EleGirl

So there was no infidelity, right?

Before you tried to reconcile, he would need to go to counseling to learn not to be that way. And he would have to stop the abusive behavior for the rest of his life.

You too need to go to counseling because you allowed him to control and abuse you. You need to find out why you allowed it and how to never allow it again. If you don't do this, you will end up in another abusive relationship. 

and then to reconcile, you two would also have to go to marriage counseling to learn completely new patterns in your relationship.

For example, you probably need to get a job. You should never put yourself into the position of letting him, or any man, being able to isolate you and control finances.

No one can tell you what to do.

If you want to try to fix your marriage get all the help you can so that both of you learn new behaviors. And do not move back in together until you both have been through counseling and you have a strong support system to help you if he relapses.


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## aine

People can change if they are committed to do so. He needs professional help as do you, you sound co-dependent. You have to ensure that your children grow up in a healthy environment.


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## Y17

hifromme67 said:


> That isn't controlling, that's considered domestic violence/abuse. By taking your cell phone and keys is very abusive. If he is being honest about getting help, he needs individual counseling and then marital counseling.


He said he already stared counselling and wanted to do marriage counselling as well when I felt ready. 



EleGirl said:


> So there was no infidelity, right?
> 
> Before you tried to reconcile, he would need to go to counseling to learn not to be that way. And he would have to stop the abusive behavior for the rest of his life.
> 
> You too need to go to counseling because you allowed him to control and abuse you. You need to find out why you allowed it and how to never allow it again. If you don't do this, you will end up in another abusive relationship.
> 
> and then to reconcile, you two would also have to go to marriage counseling to learn completely new patterns in your relationship.
> 
> For example, you probably need to get a job. You should never put yourself into the position of letting him, or any man, being able to isolate you and control finances.
> 
> No one can tell you what to do.
> 
> If you want to try to fix your marriage get all the help you can so that both of you learn new behaviors. And do not move back in together until you both have been through counseling and you have a strong support system to help you if he relapses.


I am not aware of any infidelity. Maybe since we have been separated, but that wouldn't be infidelity I guess. 

My husband said he has already started therapy and wants to do marriage counselling as well, when I'm ready. He has said a lot of things that will change and has implemented some of them. 

I know that I have to learn to say no instead of going along with everything. When we first met I wasn't a pushover, but I wanted to keep him interested and it spiralled out of control. 

I didn't want to give up my career. It was cheaper to stay home than put our children in daycare and private school. My husband wanted the older children homeschooled. I'm working on getting it back now. 

I want to stay away from him because it was hard enough to leave the first time. But if we can work on it and fix it I don't want to let the divorce go through (long ways from that still). 



aine said:


> People can change if they are committed to do so. He needs professional help as do you, you sound co-dependent. You have to ensure that your children grow up in a healthy environment.


I left because of my children. They have always been my top priority. When they could tell that something was wrong I left. I didn't want them to be exposed to that.


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## farsidejunky

Here is the thing, Y17...

Yes, people can change. However, it does not happen overnight. Also, for someone to COMPLETELY change (which is what is needed here) is rare. Normally, change is a 5 degree alteration in course trajectory, when he desperately needs 90 degrees or greater based upon what you have written.

I would let the divorce go through. Tell him that if he is committed, he can do individual counseling for a year following the conclusion of the divorce. Then, at the end of that year, you can reevaluate whether or not you want to try to reconcile based on how well he co-parents with you.
@turnera would have some good suggestions regarding things to look for in that year.

I'm sorry you are here, but glad that you recognize that things cannot continue for you as they are.

Take care.


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## Y17

farsidejunky said:


> Here is the thing, Y17...
> 
> Yes, people can change. However, it does not happen overnight. Also, for someone to COMPLETELY change (which is what is needed here) is rare. Normally, change is a 5 degree alteration in course trajectory, when he desperately needs 90 degrees or greater based upon what you have written.
> 
> I would let the divorce go through. Tell him that if he is committed, he can do individual counseling for a year following the conclusion of the divorce. Then, at the end of that year, you can reevaluate whether or not you want to try to reconcile based on how well he co-parents with you.
> 
> @turnera would have some good suggestions regarding things to look for in that year.
> 
> I'm sorry you are here, but glad that you recognize that things cannot continue for you as they are.
> 
> Take care.


It doesn't mean much because the bad outweighs the good, but he was a good in some aspects. He spent nearly all of his free time with me and the kids, he works a lot in a high stress job, he's really good with the kids, he always helped as much as he could with the house and kids. I want him to change, but he has always been this way. It was just hidden in the beginning. I want him to change for the right reasons, for himself and our kids. Not for the wrong reasons, to just get me back, to avoid the massive amount of child and spousal support he's getting slapped with, to have control again. I don't know if he is capable of the massive about of change that is required. I don't want to be thinking like this just because I miss him and life is hard right now. 

I think, and I could be wrong, that if we go through the whole divorce process then that's it. We are not going to have a quick, easy divorce. There are too many factors and assets in play. It is going to destroy any chance at reconciling.


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## As'laDain

It's extremely rare that people change. Usually because they do not believe they can. The people around them often remind them of who they are trying to no longer be. 

I'm going to say something that may upset you, but the truth is, the quickest way to get him to change is for you to change yourself. If you change and you have the constant interaction with him, he will have no choice but change. 

That means you will have to respond to his controlling behavior in ways that you have never done before. You will have to learn how to apply and enforce proper boundaries. You will have to learn to apply consequences for his actions while having patience as he learns to change. It will be just as difficult and awkward for you as it is for him. At least, it will at first. 

Changing who you are is as simple as changing what you do and what you think. That said, it is so difficult for people to believe that they can change that they usually believe that divorce would be easier. 

Truth is, it's only easier to believe in.


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## farsidejunky

This right here should tell you all you need to know.

If he were committed, he would be willing to take the year to work on his issues, which are large.



Y17 said:


> I think, and I could be wrong, that if we go through the whole divorce process then that's it. We are not going to have a quick, easy divorce. There are too many factors and assets in play. It is going to destroy any chance at reconciling.


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## Y17

As'laDain said:


> It's extremely rare that people change. Usually because they do not believe they can. The people around them often remind them of who they are trying to no longer be.
> 
> I'm going to say something that may upset you, but the truth is, the quickest way to get him to change is for you to change yourself. If you change and you have the constant interaction with him, he will have no choice but change.
> 
> That means you will have to respond to his controlling behavior in ways that you have never done before. You will have to learn how to apply and enforce proper boundaries. You will have to learn to apply consequences for his actions while having patience as he learns to change. It will be just as difficult and awkward for you as it is for him. At least, it will at first.
> 
> Changing who you are is as simple as changing what you do and what you think. That said, it is so difficult for people to believe that they can change that they usually believe that divorce would be easier.
> 
> Truth is, it's only easier to believe in.


Would having a lot to lose not give a person enough motivation to change? 

For 8 years everything that he said went. I know that I would have a hard time standing my ground. I would have to learn to do it though, and not give wiggle room for him not to change. He has demonstrated that he has a temper, especially leading up to my leaving. It is another thing that he has to work on and I know it would make me nervous to be around him and go against what he wants. He has become physical to varying degrees and he said that he is working on that and won't come near me until he has it under control. There are other things that I would need him to do or agree to before I would feel comfortable being around him again. Hopefully in time the uncomfortable feelings would lessen.


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## Y17

farsidejunky said:


> This right here should tell you all you need to know.
> 
> If he were committed, he would be willing to take the year to work on his issues, which are large.


He said that he would take as much time as needed to fix himself and allow me room to breathe. He didn't say anything about stopping or postponing the divorce but I just have a feeling that fighting in lawyers offices and court is not going to help our situation. We had a prenup that is being thrown out and he isn't happy about that.


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## As'laDain

Y17 said:


> Would having a lot to lose not give a person enough motivation to change?
> 
> For 8 years everything that he said went. I know that I would have a hard time standing my ground. I would have to learn to do it though, and not give wiggle room for him not to change. He has demonstrated that he has a temper, especially leading up to my leaving. It is another thing that he has to work on and I know it would make me nervous to be around him and go against what he wants. He has become physical to varying degrees and he said that he is working on that and won't come near me until he has it under control. There are other things that I would need him to do or agree to before I would feel comfortable being around him again. Hopefully in time the uncomfortable feelings would lessen.


People can have all the motivation in the world, but that doesn't mean they will actually believe that they can change, mainly because they think change starts with how they feel. For instance, how can he just not be angry anymore? How can you just not feel intimidated and anxious when he is angry? 

The change in emotions come after the changes in behavior. For instance, you could keep a VAR on you and record his angry outbursts. After gathering a lot of audio evidence, you could then give a copy to a trusted third party and inform him that if he does not accept that his behavior is wrong and work to change it, you will leave. And if he tries to make up lies about you in order to paint himself as the victim, you will use the recordings to set the story straight. 

Under such an arrangement, you will know that his behavior is recorded and the truth will be known. He will know that as well, which may force him to actively work on dealing with his frustration and anger in a non destructive way. If you were to encourage such effort with positive reinforcement and respond with consequences for destructive behavior, he may be able to develop the coping skills into habits that become his new "normal". 

Wanting to change is never going to be enough to cause change. It requires a plan for how that change is going to occur. What is going to motivate the new behavior? What is going to discourage the destructive behavior? It has to be consistently applied until it becomes habit.


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## jb02157

farsidejunky said:


> This right here should tell you all you need to know.
> 
> If he were committed, he would be willing to take the year to work on his issues, which are large.


He's not been given a year though. I think this guy is being treated like some kind of criminal. He admits he has made mistakes and wants to change. Shouldn't he be given a chance? Or would it be better to destroy the family just so there is a little less control. What does the OP want, to control everything herself? I don't see why these two can't work on their marriage and have it be better for everyone involved.


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## Bananapeel

Y17 said:


> He said that he would take as much time as needed to fix himself and allow me room to breathe. He didn't say anything about stopping or postponing the divorce but I just have a feeling that fighting in lawyers offices and court is not going to help our situation. We had a prenup that is being thrown out and he isn't happy about that.


This doesn't make sense. How is it being thrown out? It you haven't gone to court yet the judge won't have decided on that.


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## Bananapeel

I don't understand not giving him a chance. There are kids involved with a new one on the way, and no history of infidelity. It's worth trying to fix the problems before tossing out the marriage.


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## Vinnydee

Sometimes, but with no one I have ever known who tried it. Adults rarely change their basic personality and nature. They try and try but eventually their true self reemerges and the same old problems come back. It is a chance you take with the odds against you. Many try it because love does not go away so easily. Love is caused by chemicals in your brain and we cannot will it into or out of existence. Plus the prospect of a divorce makes us grasp at any chance to avoid it. Whether you try or not is up to you because none of us have to live with the consequences.


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## Y17

As'laDain said:


> For instance, you could keep a VAR on you and record his angry outbursts. After gathering a lot of audio evidence, you could then give a copy to a trusted third party and inform him that if he does not accept that his behavior is wrong and work to change it, you will leave. And if he tries to make up lies about you in order to paint himself as the victim, you will use the recordings to set the story straight.


I had to look up what VAR meant but I do think it could be a good idea, if for nothing else than when/if we have to have a conversation. Before we separated I let my phone record a "fight" that my husband and I had. I didn't yell because I didn't want to make it worse but he was and he was being rough. Just playing it back to myself made me realize how bad it sounded (and was). I think if he heard that himself he might realize more what he was doing. I would have to look into the legality of it, especially before using it to incriminate. 



jb02157 said:


> He's not been given a year though. I think this guy is being treated like some kind of criminal. He admits he has made mistakes and wants to change. Shouldn't he be given a chance? Or would it be better to destroy the family just so there is a little less control. What does the OP want, to control everything herself? I don't see why these two can't work on their marriage and have it be better for everyone involved.


I can't fully blame him for all of our problems because I didn't want to make waves. If I didn't agree with something or didn't want to do something I went along with it without making a sign that I didn't want to. Some things he knew I didn't want to do and I'd say that I didn't want to, but I never put my foot down. I always caved. I enabled him. If he can fix it now that he really knows and the reality set it, I want to give it a chance... 



Bananapeel said:


> This doesn't make sense. How is it being thrown out? It you haven't gone to court yet the judge won't have decided on that.


My lawyer and my husband's have both said that it's not going to stand. Based on when and how it was written and circumstances now and if it were implemented. 



Bananapeel said:


> I don't understand not giving him a chance. There are kids involved with a new one on the way, and no history of infidelity. It's worth trying to fix the problems before tossing out the marriage.


If we could fix our problems and be happy together, it would be better for our kids. They are very affected right now and it's clear in their behaviour. I don't want to hurt my kids either, but giving false hope or putting them into a situation to be hurt. It would be a long time before I would be ready to move back in with my husband.


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## bobsmith

Only a member here with my own list of issues but I will offer my advice as a man AND one that is currently watching a pretty controlling relationship with a friend. DIVORCE!!!! Hel, I am here talking about reconcile of my own situation but as a man, abuse is one thing I don't believe any woman should have to endure. Sure, I would bet he will go through the motions, act like its all better, but in another 10yrs, it will be right back. 

I still cannot figure out how and why men are wired to be controlling priks! 

Example, a good friend of mine that I work closely with is in a relationship with maybe a lesser woman than he can get. For that reason, he thinks that is an open invitation to be an azz to here and say things that even I cannot tolerate and even tell him that. Bottom line is she needs to leave!!!! But she is confused and jaded and needs someone to set her straight. It is sick to watch. 

I commend you for getting out!!!! So sad to see a family shattered but I am afraid he did that and truly believe some men are wired to be abusive, and they will revert back to that, and somehow they find women that will accept it for a long time. 

I try to put myself in that picture of telling you what I want for dinner every day, and tell you when you can make a call. How is that a mutual relationship of any kind? 

I agree with others to proceed with divorce so at least that part is done. I am sorry if my post seems cold. I have seen abuse and I hate it.


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