# See the signs, make the right moves



## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

Last Sunday, I had my last drop of alcohol. God, how that makes me sound like a major alcoholic. It wasn't that I had a drinking problem, per se'. My husband and I like to have a couple drinks on our bowling league nights and each night we might have 1 drink with dinner. 

The problems seemed to be more so than not, when drinking was involved and my husband and I would ever get into a coversation on anything of importance, not one, but both of us, stopped not only truely listening but communicating. Other times, it was his crutch, even when I was still my typical cheerful self, to use that I had too much to drink, because he was annoyed at the fact of something I said or the way I said it.

After explaining that it was affecting our communication and getting nothing in return, I explained it appeared ultimately it seemed it was regardless becoming a problem, and obviously the 'blame' is always pointed my direction. Therefore, I would not have another drop, as my marriage was more important than a relaxation drink after work or drinks with friends and drinks on our date nights during league. 

Since those words have left my mouth, as has the alcohol. December 4, 2022 was my last drink. I had to make a change for the better, a sacrifice for something that may relax my depression and anxieties in a moment, but not such a sacrifice if you look at what it does in the end. Its a reward in the end. 

While it doesn't seem all that long ago. Its been hard as he sits every night still drinking. While he has 3-4 at the bowling alley. When his mother told him 'throw all the alcohol out and support your wife' and his reply was 'I am trying to drink it all to get it out of the house'. 

As I explained to both him and his mother, this was my decision. And I don't expect him to quit on my expense so he will regret me later. If he wanted to quit he would have done so. If he wanted to quit with me he would have dumped the alcohol and joined me. 

While his form of support is strange at times, ie: suggesting non or low alcoholic beer at the bar, he intentions were there. I had to explain that putting the taste of beer in my system would not 'help'. I am taking it in stride. 

I could hide out, skip the bowling hide at home, hide in another room when he drinks. But, I have to be my biggest supporter in these times. I also, can't ask him to stop doing what he enjoys, I can't be selfish in those terms.

In a selfish way though, it would be nice to hear "I'm proud of you and see what you are doing for yourself, and for Us." Unfortunately, when I made a comment of falling off the wagon or wanting a beer, the response was "If thats what you want, thats on you". I just thanked him for being behind me and helping me. 

I am a simple person and don't ask much in the marriage. Thats really all I ask is that he support me in encouragement and in being proud to have me as his wife. He's not one to be complimentary, or even attentive to much so its hard to tell at times.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’ve been off the drink for less than two weeks.
Two weeks.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I had a friend that often told me he is given up the drink ,he even picked up a bottle of very fine expensive whiskey to celebrate his last drink which each time lasted for a few days ,
We here are not experts of helping people with a drinking problem but are very happy to have you here and wish this time next year you can add to this topic by saying your a year without a drink , 

it is a day by day thing ,it is your battle while a lot of people around you like to see you do it and get away from the drink there is very little we can do


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Congratulations! 

Unfortunately your husband is not capable of supporting you. He is an alcoholic. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him support you, or get him to stop drinking. He doesn’t want to stop, and he’s not going to. You‘re on your own. 
i would suggest you attend an AA meeting. Ask him to go with you? He will say something like “why do you want to waste your time”, “that’s only for alcoholics”, “do whatever you want”, but he will not go. Each person’s journey and recovery is a personal one. unfortunately your journey will probably be much harder as your husband will constantly be trying to drag you down. 
Seek the help you need to continue to stay sober, and to deal with his alcoholism.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

lmucamac said:


> Congratulations!
> 
> Unfortunately your husband is not capable of supporting you. He is an alcoholic. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him support you, or get him to stop drinking. He doesn’t want to stop, and he’s not going to. You‘re on your own.
> i would suggest you attend an AA meeting. Ask him to go with you? He will say something like “why do you want to waste your time”, “that’s only for alcoholics”, “do whatever you want”, but he will not go. Each person’s journey and recovery is a personal one. unfortunately your journey will probably be much harder as your husband will constantly be trying to drag you down.
> Seek the help you need to continue to stay sober, and to deal with his alcoholism.


Read the above post several times so you fully understand. Your husband will not support you because he wants to continue drinking, in truth he will probably undermine your efforts. He is afraid if you truly stop drinking the dynamics of your relationship will change (and they will).

Being the sober partner in a relationship while the other is a chronic drinker is very very difficult (been there, done that). BUT...that's no reason not to work toward your own sobriety. Sometimes in life we need to do what's best for ones self. I wish you good luck.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

lmucamac said:


> Congratulations!
> 
> Unfortunately your husband is not capable of supporting you. He is an alcoholic. There is nothing you can say or do that will make him support you, or get him to stop drinking. He doesn’t want to stop, and he’s not going to. You‘re on your own.
> i would suggest you attend an AA meeting. Ask him to go with you? He will say something like “why do you want to waste your time”, “that’s only for alcoholics”, “do whatever you want”, but he will not go. Each person’s journey and recovery is a personal one. unfortunately your journey will probably be much harder as your husband will constantly be trying to drag you down.
> Seek the help you need to continue to stay sober, and to deal with his alcoholism.


Having 3 or 4 drinks on a weekly or biweekly night out with friends, and a drink with dinner nightly, HARDLY makes anyone an alcoholic. Millions of people drink alcohol in this way and are not alcoholics. I’m not exactly sure why she was feeling a problem. What I got out of that is she would have her 3-4 drinks and instead of relaxing and having fun use that as the time to talk about serious issues. She should simply not do that if it’s causing a problem on what’s supposed to be fun date night. I fail to see why he should have to give up his very moderate drinking because she decided to. I mean, good for her, it never hurts to give up any vice, but I’m not seeing where his few drinks out bowling is problematic. And one drink with dinner is hardly making either one of them drunk.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Alcohol loosens up your tongue, and sometimes, temporarily tightens your sphincter.
You hold it in, only so long, then the words come out in a rush.

Bad outcomes happen when under the influence.

Bravo on staying dry. 
You do not sound like an alcoholic, oh yes, your husband is one.

Sorry for your situation....in dealing with him.

You live with two men.
Your sober husband is likely hungover, and crabby, while the drinking one is overbearing and cruel.

Why is it, you tolerate his abuse?

What am I missing?

Why does this husband of yours...resent you, so much?


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Having 3 or 4 drinks on a weekly or biweekly night out with friends, and a drink with dinner nightly, HARDLY makes anyone an alcoholic. Millions of people drink alcohol in this way and are not alcoholics. I’m not exactly sure why she was feeling a problem. What I got out of that is she would have her 3-4 drinks and instead of relaxing and having fun use that as the time to talk about serious issues. She should simply not do that if it’s causing a problem on what’s supposed to be fun date night. I fail to see why he should have to give up his very moderate drinking because she decided to. I mean, good for her, it never hurts to give up any vice, but I’m not seeing where his few drinks out bowling is problematic. And one drink with dinner is hardly making either one of them drunk.


You are correct, it wasn't, iant a drinking problem, but drinking and then it loosening the tounge and being able to be more open in talking that was the problem at which then we both became stubborn and both wanted to be heard. Problem was we stopped listening enough to each other to communicate leading to being flustered. 

In this now 2 weeks, and again, not all that long as it was made even more oh so clear by Andy.. haha. 

The communication has been more open and better, and there hasn't been the frustrations. That in itself has been worth is. He has been more supportive in me talking to him. He does understand I am not asking him to quit with me. I do plan to continue this journey, but also have told him if I ever do decide to have a drink again it will be metered to one drink only and that there will not be the mistakes of any talking of important matters. We are working on what the problems are that were happening with it. He doesn't want me changing WHO I am, is his main thing.





SunCMars said:


> Alcohol loosens up your tongue, and sometimes, temporarily tightens your sphincter.
> 
> You hold it in, only so long, then the words come out in a rush.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the bravo, appreciated and yes, it feels good. 

Bad influences and outcomes do happen with alcohol. Its something that sure, in the moment can seem like it solves all our problems but its never the solution. 

I don't believe its resent. Fear of my independence, maybe. He doesn't know how to handle alot of times that I can't or don't need help. Even when it comes to his parents its a constant having to remind them, I am not his ex, of whom hes been divorced from 10 years now. Whatever that marriage was it did them all dirty.

He has said he's not used to having aomeone who is as good to him and his daughter as I am. All I can tell him, in a fun manner, even 5 years later is get used to it, because its all I know how to be. 

He's far from the abusive type. He is a good man all in all. I can say neither of us are perfect. He deals with my invisible monster of depression and anxiety on a basis not fair to anyone, so there is that. 

I'm honestly not here to say my marriage sucks or is horrible. Its by far that. But, I know they all have their peaks and valleys and we all need that little bit of advice on how others may have dealt with getting thrpugh some things.

If that makes sense?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

When both people are addicts, one can get nervous when the other wants to stop and get healthy. 

You do speak of him differently now, with clarity. So I’m confident you’re going to do ok. 

He doesn’t see things your way though. 

If you stay sober, what will hold your marriage together? 

Was most of the marriage based around alcohol? Or was it gradual.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> When both people are addicts, one can get nervous when the other wants to stop and get healthy.


Agree. Op, did you ever consider to visit anonymous alcoholics?


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

I have not, but I am still doing well on the road I have taken so far. While some days are a challenge I tell myself that one sip or whatever has got me thinking I feel I need a drink is only mental and the next day will be a regret and a restart.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

redHairs said:


> Agree. Op, did you ever consider to visit anonymous alcoholics?


OP,
If so, don't. You'll only be around folks that hit bottom from really serious drinking and like to stay victims, for the most part.

Your social drinking is not even in the same universe as that type of drinking.

So you've decided to drink less, even stop for a good while, all good. Don't make it a larger problem than it is or could be 

You'll do great.


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Dgk2022 said:


> I have not, but I am still doing well on the road I have taken so far. While some days are a challenge I tell myself that one sip or whatever has got me thinking I feel I need a drink is only mental and the next day will be a regret and a restart.


Well, you're doing good. Proud for you. Good work. 



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Your social drinking is not even in the same universe as that type of drinking.


Well, unfortunetly, it's the same problem, if you have an addiction. Just different stages. OP made a right choice to stop it.


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## Dgk2022 (5 mo ago)

@Ragnar Ragnasson & @redHairs 
Thank you both!


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## redHairs (6 mo ago)

Dgk2022 said:


> @Ragnar Ragnasson & @redHairs
> Thank you both!


Not a problem. Feel free to always tag. My first BF had problems with alcohol, I could probably advice something. Copy/paste what I wrote today in the another thread:

_Please run. My first relationships were with alcoholic guy. I loved him so much like you. He saved my life. I spend 3 years. And things with his addition became even worse. You likely co-addicted. And have behavior patterns which make things even more worse. I not said, it's your fault. And not even his fault - I mean alcoholic additiction or your co-addiction.
But, fact that he cheated, make things even worse.
I could suggest to escape him and try, if you love him, to help him. And do never consider to return back until he did impressive work with his honestly and additction. Did he ever visited anonymous alcoholics? My first BF were. And at least it were a sign that he went out of it.

And, I'm sorry about that. I know what it is. I know this shame to clean up a room from beer bottles, because you expect visit from friends. I know how you probably helped him with his parents (probably they're no longer alive, but...) to lie, and pretend that he is OK. Or maybe even you helped him with work/his boss (I did this s*t, yeah). It doesn't work. It could never work. He should want to change at least.

When we broke up with my first BF, I stayed with him as friend. We still have our friendship. He were a senior sale manager - he sale medical equipment. And it were pretty common to drink there after a good contract. Right now he is computer helpdesk in bank, because in this work, despite much, much lower income, he could manage his addiction. After me he had one girl and I helped him with advices. But for now he is alone again.
He also had bad problems with liver. But still alive, and much more healthy than that time. I've met with him in 2007._


Unfortunately, I think, he can be a reason for you to start drink again. I think, you need to ask him to want to stop this. And this idea:_ 'I am trying to drink it all to get it out of the house'._ should not be acceptable.
OP, sadly, you're most likely have so-addiction. It's not about your own problems with alcohol, it means you're both probably have an unhealthy behavior, because he is heavy addicted. I were so-addicted as well (and never had chemical addictions myself)
I do not advice you to terminate it, because common problem should help to understand each other. But I believe, you, guys, at least need a relationships therapy in order to eliminate co-addiction (or confirm that I were wrong and OP doesn't have it yet).


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Having 3 or 4 drinks on a weekly or biweekly night out with friends, and a drink with dinner nightly, HARDLY makes anyone an alcoholic. Millions of people drink alcohol in this way and are not alcoholics. I’m not exactly sure why she was feeling a problem. What I got out of that is she would have her 3-4 drinks and instead of relaxing and having fun use that as the time to talk about serious issues. She should simply not do that if it’s causing a problem on what’s supposed to be fun date night. I fail to see why he should have to give up his very moderate drinking because she decided to. I mean, good for her, it never hurts to give up any vice, but I’m not seeing where his few drinks out bowling is problematic. And one drink with dinner is hardly making either one of them drunk.


If drinking is causing problems in your life and your relationships it doesn't really matter if you drink less than what most would consider "alcoholic" or over the line. +

I never imagined my life without alcohol in every social situation growing up in a large Irish-American family, and being a 'partier' in high school and college (and for years after). But here I am, without having a drink for I do not actually know how long. I think 3 or 4 years. I really do not care much that others drink but I certainly will not minimize the effects of regular drinking on physical and/or mental health, and what impact it can have on relationships.


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