# Is knowing "why" necessary?



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

This is a question I wonder a lot about lately. There are two things I still struggle with: mind movies and a need to understand why she cheated.

I've posted a separate thread dealing with the mind movies http://http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62719-how-much-should-you-know.html
In this thread I'd like to discuss how important it is to know "why".

My wife had two ONS with two different men. I was in the Navy and both times I was deployed. The first was 22 years ago and the second was about 15 - 18 months after that, so 21 to 20 years ago. I found out 5 months ago. She was very cooperative and incredibly remorseful. 

The problem is that she has never really been able to tell me why. At first all I could get was "I don't know", which was completely unacceptable. We went to MC and that helped her uncover some things which helped me understand how she could have done it but not exactly why.

Part of the problem is the amount of time that has passed. She says she even went through a period of several years that she never thought about it. She was remorseful afterwards and buried it psychologically.

The question is: "is the why important"? No reason can justify it, so "why" shouldn't matter. Our marriage has changed so much for the better that "why" most likely doesn't exist anymore; therefore, should not matter. The problem is that to me it still does matter. To be honest I sometimes feel like it would be easier for me if she said "I fell for someone while you were away" or "you were gone and I was drunk and horny". While these would have there own issues to deal with at least they would be a reason.

Any thoughts? Has anyone else dealt with not knowing "why"? If so, how did you handle it?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

I'd be more concerned that she lied to you for 22 years and wasn't remorseful until you found out about it recently.

Your entire marriage has been a lie.

I'd be wondering how she was able to keep the secret for so long.

I'd be wondering if she only admitted to what you apparently just found out about and if there's more that she hasn't shared with you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

She knows why but she just doesn't want to let you know that she was horny and you were gone so she took the first guy that was available.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> She knows why but she just doesn't want to let you know that she was horny and you were gone so she took the first guy that was available.


My guess too. That mixed with alcohol.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

kindi said:


> I'd be more concerned that she lied to you for 22 years and wasn't remorseful until you found out about it recently.
> 
> Your entire marriage has been a lie.
> 
> ...


None of this is helpful. Does it make you feel better to be destructive in your post?

1. She was remorseful long before I found out but was not able to hurt me by admitting things. She had decided that if I ever asked or found out she would admit everything.

2. My entire marriage has not been a lie. It has contained a lie. Big difference.

3. I have wondered how she could keep it secret for so long. I really think it's a type of defense mechanism that she simply never even thought about it.

4. She confessed the second affair after I confronted her about the first. No one but her knew about the second and there was no reason for her to tell me except that she had decided to come clean.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> She knows why but she just doesn't want to let you know that she was horny and you were gone so she took the first guy that was available.


I don't think this is it but it could be. She didn't really even like sex at this time. We got married very young; I was 17 she was 19. Only got married because we thought we were in love and I got her pregnant during my senior year in HS. She never had orgasms until a few years after the affairs.

She did have a very upsetting sexual history. 
She had an uncle and several cousins try to have sex with her. She said she was raped when she was 16 but then went the the guys house a week later and was "raped" again. 
She witnessed aunts and uncles not married to each other have sex. 
They came to her room to escape their respective spouses while they thought she was asleep.
Her mom and dad both cheated. She has a half brother; her mom and her dad's brother are the parents.
Her mom always told her all men cheat. Told her I was cheating while I was away.
She passed out drunk at my friends house after our first date and woke up naked in his bed. He said they had sex then changed his story when I got angry.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Just dna the kids already so you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> I don't think this is it but it could be. She didn't really even like sex at this time. We got married very young; I was 17 she was 19. Only got married because we thought we were in love and I got her pregnant during my senior year in HS. She never had orgasms until a few years after the affairs.
> 
> She did have a very upsetting sexual history.
> She had an uncle and several cousins try to have sex with her. She said she was raped when she was 16 but then went the the guys house a week later and was "raped" again.
> ...


 I'm so sorry. Look's like you've got the mother of all projects on your hands.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You have already figured out half of your answer. There is no reason that will ever justify infidelity.

The why though, does matter, and the reason is that if she does not own up to it, how can she possibly say it won't happen again, even 22 years later?

You can go around and around, but when you strip everything away, you'll be left with one answer in the end. Why? Because she wanted to and she was selfish enough to at the same time. That's it. That's all there is. She, like millions(billions) of other human beings is self centred enough to place her wants at the very core of her life at times.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Many wives feel abandoned while their sailor husbands are gone. They are young and lonely. They want to depend on someone. They are surrounded by other young virile men. 

The deal is that you have no idea how many times she actually cheated on you. 

The why is really that she chose to do so. Because she could. You were not there so she went for it. She justified it to herself.

Seen it way too many times while I was in the Navy. She seems to have found her way into other mens beds before this as well.

Good luck.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Entropy is correct. CF, read through your wife's sexual history again. That sounds like the background of a woman in the sex industry. You know with that background, it's highly unlikely your wife only had two ONS while you were out at sea. She's probably had that many this year. Ever heard of female minimization? Now you have.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> You can go around and around, but when you strip everything away, you'll be left with one answer in the end. Why? Because she wanted to and she was selfish enough to at the same time. That's it. That's all there is. She, like millions(billions) of other human beings is self centred enough to place her wants at the very core of her life at times.


Well that's what it really all boils down to. Selfishness.
No matter what the reason, a choice is made to do something that could destroy your marriage as well as the psychological well being of your spouse. You either make that choice to purposefully hurt them (exit affair, vengeance, etc) or to satisfy yourself selfishly disregarding how your family will be affected.

For what it's worth here are her reasons as best as I can understand them.

Affair #1 - She was at a bar with a live band that she and a girlfriend had become friendly with. Her "friend" ditched her so a guy in the band offered her a ride home. She was so drunk she doesn't even remember most of it. She found herself in his truck with him kissing her and trying to remove her pants. She says it was easier to let him do it that try to stop him and that she was worried it might turn violent if she tried.
He tried to see her again about a month later. He came by the apartment and she told him she was married and had two young children and he could not see her again. There has been no other contact. She doesn't even remember his name and says she never even knew his last name.

Affair #2 - She had moved home with her mom while I was deployed. We put our furniture in storage before I left. I was going to get out of the Navy about 13 months after returning. We decided to let her move home and get a job and get the kids into school and not have to move them later. She went to a mutual friends house (girl) with another mutual friend (guy). They were up very late drinking and smoking pot and talking about old times (we all worked together before I joined the Navy). When he went to take her home they talk about how she was not coming back (to Norfolk) when I returned. She says he started to kiss her and she didn't stop him. She said went it started she was thinking "well he's (me) probably cheating on me right now". She said it was over in less than a minute and she's not even sure he fully penetrated her. She said the thing she remembers the most is being extremely embarrassed. This one really stings because I knew the guy.

She says at the time she didn't regard sex as anything good even in our marriage. It simply had no real meaning to her. It's not like that anymore and we have a great sex life. Our marriage was ideal until this came out. This doesn't make me understand why she could make these choices but it helps me understand who she was at the time and how she could do it.

It's almost 5am so I'm gonna try and get an hour of shut-eye before the day begins. Five months out and this still has the power to keep me up all night and ruin my day.

Thanks for the help.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I spent a year thinking about it constantly. It doesn't change, there is no other answer. At some point you just sort of accept it, and work to incorporate that into your life. I am married to a person who is perfectly willing to betray me in the worst way if we are not careful in how we treat each other.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> She was so drunk she doesn't even remember most of it. She found herself in his truck with him kissing her and trying to remove her pants. She says it was easier to let him do it that try to stop him and that she was worried it might turn violent if she tried.


She doesn't remember most of it only that she let him do it because she was afraid of him becoming violent.

Very convenient.



confusedFather said:


> She says he started to kiss her and she didn't stop him. She said went it started she was thinking "well he's (me) probably cheating on me right now". She said it was over in less than a minute and she's not even sure he fully penetrated her. She said the thing she remembers the most is being extremely embarrassed.


Yeah ok. First she tries to shift the blame to YOU. "He's probably cheating on me so I'll do the same".

Once again she can't recall any details other than it was "over in a minute" and he never "really even penetrated her".

Look if it makes it easier for you to believe this utter claptrap to be the truth so you can stay with this serial cheater who continues to lie to you then go ahead. Sometimes life is simpler that way.

Reminds me of that movie where everyone exists inside a software program. They think they're living normal lives but they're really prisoners inside some sort of large test tube.

This thread is better labeled "Is knowing the truth really better"


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## shattered man (Oct 28, 2012)

In my situation Knowing or not knowing is irrelevant...she cheated...plain and simple....why? doesnt matter she cheated....her excuse was.....He said things to her that made her feel good and it evolved from there....just proves what a slimeball he is.....I wish you the best on this.....sometimes the best answer is to wipe the slate clean, not rehash the past and build for the future....


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kindi said:


> She doesn't remember most of it only that she let him do it because she was afraid of him becoming violent.
> 
> Very convenient.
> 
> ...


13th Floor


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> Well that's what it really all boils down to. Selfishness.
> No matter what the reason, a choice is made to do something that could destroy your marriage as well as the psychological well being of your spouse. You either make that choice to purposefully hurt them (exit affair, vengeance, etc) or to satisfy yourself selfishly disregarding how your family will be affected.
> 
> For what it's worth here are her reasons as best as I can understand them.
> ...


She put herself out there. She had no boundaries. A married woman does not hang out with a guy smoking pot and not know that there is the likelihood of somebody getting laid. I would divorce my wife for hanging out with the guy period. Let alone smoking pot with him and banging him.

Very common for young Navy wives to hit the bars with their wingwoman in search of some strange.

You do know that the old, he is probably cheating on me [email protected] is a total cheater thing to say. Like that would justify anything.

So the answer is no it does not matter why she cheated. She was totally selfish and messed up in the head. Not your job to fix her.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Sorry man. Bet it's tough if you're at a dinner party and couples start talking about their first dates. That could ruin a night.

It's not appropriate for me to second guess her troubling sexual past that you described. You, yourself seem to question the rape at 16 but who knows. These things can be complicated. Regardless of what level of reality and seriousness these events had in her formative years, one thing is clear - she (and you) are making a connection to her cheating with her being a victim.

Of the two cheating ONS, the first one she felt the guy could be violent so she let him do her - she was the victim. In the second, she felt she was the victim of your cheating so she cheated.

Let's face it, most people want sex and can strongly crave some or all aspects of it - the closeness to another person, feeling wanted, the touching and kissing, the game of pursuit, the sex act itself, etc. People in monogamous relationships are supposed to be strong and resist natural urges. She didn't resist because of her view of herself (rightly or wrongly) as a victim.

Again, this is not really about whether or not she really has been a victim. It's about how she perceives herself. If her 'victim' status is all consuming in her mentality and how she sees herself then she will have all kinds of harmful behaviors. Regardless of her past, she needs to get over seeing herself as a victim in life and build some strength of character.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

the why answer is, because she wanted to.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I think the burning desire to know "why" is so we can target our own weaknesses, where we failed and try to fix it. It is hard for anyone to accept failure and a cheating spouse is at least to me the biggest failure I have.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The decision to cheat is alway based upon selfish reasons and the lack of courage to discuss problems and/or first leave the relationship before having an affair. 

Having said that, examining the reasons behind "why" can be helpful. I know in my case, I did take our marriage for granted and did not fill my wife's "emotional cup" so to speak. I assumed marriage was for life - but relied upon the "vows" instead of doing constant work on the couples part of the relationship. I assumed raising a family was enough, being a great Dad, etc. Kind of neglected the couples part - the spark - especially after 20 plus years of marriage. Sex was great, but the romance was missing - the emotional connection broke down. So the conditions for a less than satisfactory marriage were set by both of us, and I accept my side of the responsibility. Of course: That is no excuse for infidelity, lying, cake eating - but is IS helpful in the sense that it gives me insight into my own shortcomings and will help me in future relationships.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Is knowing "why" necessary - No

Is knowing "why" your WW won't tell you "why" necessary - Yes

Advice from someone who has been where you are at;

1) Do not believe a word she tells you. Your wife is a liar. Follow the facts...(ex. you turned your back and she F*cked another guy)

2) Stop "Fantasizing" your marriage. If your WW wife knowingly broke her wedding vows then you were not married.

3) Put ALL the heavy lifting on HER to reconcile your marriage.

4) If you stay with her, then get in the "Game". Lie to her, cheat on her and counter all her wayward techniques. Think of yourself as a pitcher in a baseball game. She is on first base and trying to steal second. Throw the ball to first base to keep her in check, step off the mound occasionally and once in a while do a pitch out with the catcher to keep her honest. This is the reality of your future life with her because she will not tell you the "why".

I know because I lived it...best of luck to you.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

The “why” is absolutely critical. She’s going to need to dig really, really deep on it to. Do not accept the superficial answers. 

How affairs happen isn’t just “one dumb mistake”. There is a massive series of thoughts that precede and prepare them to have one. I believe anyone is capable of having an affair under the right circumstance. If you start digging, I bet you’ll find points where she steered herself toward making those circumstances happen. Sort of a spiraling thought pattern... Like she may of started dwelling quite hard on how long you were deployed so she could feed the loneliness. That provided her the excuse to go out with friends more. That provided further excuses to make friends with guys. That provided opportunity to select one to “fill the void”.

Boundaries need to be in place and knowing how she manipulates things toward outcomes need to be realized so they can be averted in the future. So next time she starts feeling lonely or unwanted or distant or whatever, she can learn new methods of finding it from within instead of looking to others to ‘fill that void’. She might even be able to learn how to feed other thoughts so she doesn’t keep feeling that depressed and lonely feeling.

Why is important. Otherwise..... Why would they cope differently next time?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> None of this is helpful. Does it make you feel better to be destructive in your post?
> 
> 1. She was remorseful long before I found out but was not able to hurt me by admitting things. She had decided that if I ever asked or found out she would admit everything.
> 
> ...


Keep this thought! 

And listen to only the answers that ring true. Don't be swayed and made needlessly angry...especially in your present sensitive and emotional state you are in right now.

Is your wife generally honest? If so, this answer you gave above is all you need. And time. Please, please, don't be made angry by the anger you feel that is fuelled by the blind anger in some posts.

Your wife seems to have given you more than was necessary. That says a lot! Do not discount that or see it as meaningless. If she is an honest woman, she is no doubt telling you the truth. She didn't have to come clean. But she did. And regardless, it will take time to rebuild the trust. And you have a darned good chance due to the fact she has been honest so far, and as it was all so long ago.

I think your wife actually needs some recognition for all she has gone through and how well she has come out of the other side of that. To be brought up to believe that all men cheat, and to be shown that (all) people cheat, and that marriage is meaningless, as well as sex, as well as care and genuine love for fellow human beings...to have had only 2 misdemeanors is astounding, and I say that in the full knowledge that cheating is not just a misdemeanor. But she hasn't had affairs, continual ONS's, even though she believed you were probably cheating and had been brought up to believe you absolutely would be, she stopped. She did not continue or pursue. She has been shown that love and sex are meaningless, and yet you have had a good relationship for all this time and she has not cheated for 20-21 years...and only screwed up twice! If you can even call it 2 whole times.

I have much admiration for your wife. I think when you have been brought up in that kind of environment then you are on to a losing battle. Your whole youth is screwed up from the experiences of your childhood. Many who have had less problems have screwed themselves up and others around them ten fold more. Yet your wife has not fallen to her obstacles and barriers to a massive extent, and been true to her husband after a huge mistake that was in her damaged youth. And she has been honest.

We all make mistakes. Some are bigger than others. And we all make bloody big mistakes. She obviously learnt from hers. She has been good and strong and decent for over 20 years. She has been totally honest to you (from what I gather from your posts). Be kind to her.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Racer said:


> How affairs happen isn’t just “one dumb mistake”. There is a massive series of thoughts that precede and prepare them to have one.


Yes. It is called mental and sexual abuse. And to happen in one's childhood it is a massive issue. And a massive reason.

Oh....and neither of them were an affair.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Racer said:


> The “why” is absolutely critical. She’s going to need to dig really, really deep on it to. Do not accept the superficial answers.
> 
> How affairs happen isn’t just “one dumb mistake”. There is a massive series of thoughts that precede and prepare them to have one. I believe anyone is capable of having an affair under the right circumstance. If you start digging, I bet you’ll find points where she steered herself toward making those circumstances happen. Sort of a spiraling thought pattern... Like she may of started dwelling quite hard on how long you were deployed so she could feed the loneliness. That provided her the excuse to go out with friends more. That provided further excuses to make friends with guys. That provided opportunity to select one to “fill the void”.
> 
> ...


Agreed, it was knowing the why that helped me leave my ex.
Or I should say, knowing the why made it that much easier to leave my ex.
When you hear "because I could" it pretty much cements your decision to end the relationship, can't really come back from that much selfishness. 
It also helps you process what they chose to do, instead of wondering why they chose to.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

cj9947 said:


> Is knowing "why" necessary - No
> 
> Is knowing "why" your WW won't tell you "why" necessary - Yes
> 
> ...


What a load of crap!

Threads like this make me so mad because even though this poster will be disagreed with by many, they will also be a part of the 'many' due to the word 'cheated' and so the script rolls out.....circumstances are null and void!


Edit: What he lived was a wife who cheated and continued to do so. And no doubt treated him like crap in the process. Absolutely not what you have! You have a GOOD marriage. Do not ever listen to a post like this!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And yes, the 'why' is ALWAYS necessary. ALWAYS. But I think she has told you the why, and been forthcoming in all she can. You both need to talk, talk, and talk. And she needs to know that she has to answer you with the questions no matter how often or repetitive they come. 

Read the 'newbie' link and that should help the both of you. The pain you feel, even so long after, and what she needs to do to make it easier on you.

I wish you both the very best of luck.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

For those of you who offered genuine advice, I thank you. "Remains" your posts are the most lucid I've read in any thread. Too may people speak from their own dark emotions. 

It's amazing that a forum designed to help others has so many condescending know-it-alls. Their ability to know someone's situation better than the person living it based on a few sentences is simply incredible. And it's not just my situation that they have such a keen insight for. Every thread they post their message is one of righteous negativity and anger. You know who you are and I truly hope you conquer your own demons someday.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> For those of you who offered genuine advice, I thank you. "Remains" your posts are the most lucid I've read in any thread. Too may people speak from their own dark emotions.
> 
> It's amazing that a forum designed to help others has so many condescending know-it-alls. Their ability to know someone's situation better than the person living it based on a few sentences is simply incredible. And it's not just my situation that they have such a keen insight for. Every thread they post their message is one of righteous negativity and anger. You know who you are and I truly hope you conquer your own demons someday.


The thing is, there is a general consensus about how you deal with a cheater. A present cheater. That is correct...generally. But that is the only thing that is consistently correct here. And that is a 'cheater'. As soon as the word is uttered, the script comes out! And yet the same script comes out for someone who has done nothing of the sort for 20+ years! Which is the same script for someone who is shagging your best mate, your dad, and your brother! And that is a real shame. Because in that scenario the advice is this. In any other scenario, the advice does not change......much. Which is stupid beyond belief! And a huge injustice!

If your wife is honest, believe her. And only time and talk with openness and honesty will get you to the nirvana of a deeper, closer, and more loving and honest and open relationship. You will probably find that with your wife's wishing to amend, you will find a whole new and better relationship at the end of this hurt. One that holds no barriers or walls. One that is 2 as 1. In the greatest sense. And I do hope so.

Time is the only thing that will mend your hurt. And your wife's understanding. And patience. 

Read the 'newbie' link together!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

There is always a 'why' but not always what you want to know or want to hear. Most likely, she doesn't want to face it either.

It's often when a woman wants attention and feels low that she'll seek out male attention. I'll even say it doesn't always mean they want to have sex or sexual attention but they'll flirt, act sexy and some will have sex in an effort to keep getting that attention. 

I would say that your wife needs some professional counseling to deal with her past but she also needs to really start exploring what occurred during your marriage and give you more insight in to what she was thinking/feeling. I'd be really concerned about her statements about 'sex not being anything good' in your marriage. I am a strong believer that intimacy and sex act as a glue in a strong marriage. Without those needs being met on both sides, it's a very dangerous situation.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> For those of you who offered genuine advice, I thank you.


I gotta give you a lot of credit there cF. You're one of the few who is able to take good advice even if it's contrary to what they're expecting, and when it's definitely not something they want to hear, and see it for what it really is. 

Lots of people come to forums like this and they immediately reject any advice which is contrary to what they want to believe and of course it does them no good to stick their heads in the sand and worse yet, to lash out and attack the very posters who are taking their valuable time to help them deal with their problems in an effective way. 



confusedFather said:


> It's amazing that a forum designed to help others has so many condescending know-it-alls.


Well that's the internet for you, you just have to apply the filter and discard advice that you can't possibly use but remember sometimes that advice just might be better than you first realize and after you think it over, as you have obviously done, you come to the conclusion that you need to refocus and redirect your thinking. You know the definition of crazy "Doing the same thing over and over yet expecting different results".

Change is scary but it's often times necessary. 



confusedFather said:


> Their ability to know someone's situation better than the person living it based on a few sentences is simply incredible.


When a person is going through a life crisis they are understandably not thinking clearly and they're biased by their own fears and emotions. Often times an outsider can read their story and figure out exactly what is going on and have the advantage of not being in the midst of it so they can redirect the person going through it. Assuming of course, the person is able to hear it without reacting negatively and that can be very tricky as many therapist can probably tell you. 

As far as your situation with your wife goes, although she told you about a second affair without prompting, and there's no reason she "had" to tell you this, I urge you to look up the definition of "trickle truth". 

Here's a quick definition to save you some time:
_
Trickle-truth (trik el - trooth), n. 1. a series of verified or undisputable facts that flow in a slow, irregular manner out of the mouth of a person who was previously reluctant to tell the truth. 
2. the culmination of small bits of information shared by an unfaithful partner over an extended period of time, often in an attempt to protect either the unfaithful partner or the betrayed partner. --v. 3. the act of initially lying by omission and/or denial but gradually letting the truth (or parts of it) be known. _

This woman lied to you for 22 years, and if you hadn't found out and confronted her about the first affair, she'd have kept the lie going for another 22 years. Nothing she says can be believed, odds are she told you about a second one so you won't ask about a third, or fourth, etc.. 

She threw you a bone by disclosing more than she had to, don't think for a single minute it's anything less than the tip of the proverbial iceberg. 

But I think you get that now. 

And you're quite welcome.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Knowing "why is necessary....for your wife!

How can she affair proof the marriage and learn the tools in preventing it from happening again?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I spent a year thinking about it constantly. It doesn't change, there is no other answer. At some point you just sort of accept it, and work to incorporate that into your life. I* am married to a person who is perfectly willing to betray me in the worst way if we are not careful in how we treat each other*.


I was and she did anytime she didn't get her way... she turned a completely confident man into a doormat in 3 yrs. 

CD, how exactly did this come out after 20 years? What brought it up?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Ostera said:


> I was and she did anytime she didn't get her way... she turned a completely confident man into a doormat in 3 yrs.
> 
> CD, how exactly did this come out after 20 years? What brought it up?


That bolded part applies to every BS who attempts R.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Anytime I asked why she would somehow always make due to something I did.

"I thought you stll loved your EW and got jealous." (even though I hadn't talk to her in 5 yrs"

"I wanted to see if it was really over between me and my EH."

"I was with him and got drunk and couldn't drive home, so I stayed at his place and it just happened."

"This relationship is over, we can't get along."

"I have known him since we were in high school and he is someone who listens to me, you alway preach at me."

Mind you we are talking about a 52 yr old serial cheater.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

OP there is no point in coming on to a forum like this, asking advice and then complaining about the advice. It's really a little rude to be honest.
A lot of the people on here have been there and done that and helped many people to resolve their marriages one way or the other.
If anyone is giving what you feel to be advice derived from their own pain and anger just ignore it. With the attitude you've just displayed many people who have offered you advice they feel will genuinely help you will now wonder if you are complaining about them.
If somebody continually responds in a manner you don't like put them on ignore. And if anybody is rude report them using the little red triangle in the lower left of each post.

A lot of it is in the interpretation. You say your marriage was not a lie but it contained a lie.
When I married I made a vow to love, honour and cherish my wife. I don't know what your marriage vows were but breaking them does make the whole basis of the marriage a lie.

Best of luck, hope things work out for you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Remains said:


> Oh....and neither of them were an affair.


Ordinary casual adultery. Is it really any better?


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Why: who knows? I don't even know if she does anymore.
Fact: She cheated without protection.
Affect: My head is a mess. This sucks.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Ordinary casual adultery. Is it really any better?


I don't know. Maybe slightly. Both are cheating. Both cruel and selfish. 

But given the choice I would rather deal with a one night stand than a long period of emotional attachment that turns to love. I think! Though I think both have major pitfalls and create a whole host of insecurities.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

kindi said:


> I'd be more concerned that she lied to you for 22 years and wasn't remorseful until you found out about it recently.
> 
> Your entire marriage has been a lie.
> 
> ...


I totally disagree with this and do not see the logic in it.


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