# Please help - Honest opinions appreciated!



## Mauihoney (Jun 10, 2011)

Hi,

I've just joined here, am female and live in the UK - sorry for the long post but would really appreciate some honest opinions / advice if anyone can spare the time. I'm trying to see things from my Husbands point of view but struggling so honesty welcome - your time is really appreciated.

I got married 9 months ago and we have been ttc baby one for 5 months.

My family is very difficult, I have an awful sister with 3 kids who my Mum has residency of, they are 14, 15, and 4. My sis has had long standing on/off alcohol/drug problems - they are much more on than off and it's very, very unlikely she'll ever sort herself out (she has before then always relapses/goes awol) She has cost me and H a lot of money from trying to help her out with housing etc and we now don't speak at all.

My Mum is in her late 60s and is widowed, and her health has started to get quite bad. She recently had a fall, and at hospital they found a problem with her breathing that she needs further testing. Hopefully nothing too sinister but bascially she's getting too old and weak to look after the kids, espec the youngest boy, aged 4. We've always said if she dies (God forbid but has to be considered) me and H would take the older two as I've grown up with them and that's always been that, she's only had the youngest boy (YB) since he was 2 - at the time I was against her taking him because of her age, and coping, and also sort of knew it would fall on me and I thought at 2 he could be given a chance to start again with a new long term family (as much as it would sadden us, it seemed the best life for him) However my Mum thought sis might sort herself out and couldn't bear to see him in foster care. Two years later she hasn't and we're in this horrible situation.

I want to take the YB to live with us (if all parties agree of course) as I think my Mum could cope with the older 2 and it would make such a difference to her health. OR I need to think if that doesn't happen now then sooner rather than later we'll hit the point where she physically can't cope and then we'll do that. My H is completely against it though, now, in the future, or even when my Mum dies. Since Sunday we have either not talked or argued bitterly about it, and he has said we will split up if I take him and I am so confused, but honestly thinking we might split up over this, and I just don't know what to do.

He wants us to have our own life, our own family and not be tied to my horrible sis, which I completely understand and I want this too. I just love my nephew and at 4 (or upwards) think it would be horrendous for him to be put with a family he doesn't know. I know it would be hard, but if we worked together I think it would be fine - but deep down now I know how strongly H feels, it wouldn't as if he did agree (unlikely) he would be so resentful and probably not treat the YB equally to our kids. If I back down and agree we won't, I can't imagine ever feeling happy/ok with my decision, I would feel so guilty and so resentful of my H.

H said this morning he feels misled into marrying me - very hurtful, but I do know what he means because he did always make it very clear that he couldn't take YB, and it wasn't what he worked, saved for, etc. He didn't want to take the older 2 but agreed, as that was always the plan. My Mum said to me she didn't expect me to take YB if she couldn't manage - that we had our own lives etc, and this was a month before our wedding. I told H that, but added that although Mum didn't expect it, I still felt guilty and confused. Obv though it was just before wedding, we had so much going on, and all H remembers is the Mum part, and says I should have made it clearer how I felt because this would have possibly been a deal breaker. I didn't know how I felt, and I'm still not completely sure - all I know is I wanted H to consider it and be on the same side - not blow up like this, and start talking the way he has been.

I feel completely mortified at what has happened, scared, confused and totally muddled and sad. I sort of feel I've married someone without very much compassion, and I don't know if I'm being totally harsh?

I know everyone is different and I am very caring and thoughtful - not boasting - it's an affliction if anything! So to me it just seems like the right thing. H is thoughtful and caring to me - he's an amazing H in loads of ways, everyone loves him and he's considered 'a very nice person' but he is very sure and fixed on whats right for him and me, and very confident in his views. He's also quite an angry person when he gets going - not just about this but generally when we argue, and I can't see things changing. I jsut don't know what to do, I love him and we're barely married but yet I can't shake this feeling that over something this big, I'm perhaps not with the right person if we just can't meet over it?

H has said if he goes into care we could still see him and 'be there' to an extent - but not a very big one, and the more I think about it, I would not be okay with this - we have the power to make this little childs life okay and I couldn't not do it now. I don't know how much of his resistence is him, or thinking his parents wouldn't agree, or if it is just that he is so set on his 'life plan' - getting married, having kids...which is what I want too, but am now at the point of wondering Is his life plan more important to him than me? As if we had the YB now, or in a few years (all being well with my Mum), we can still have the life we want, just with some differences.

I'm so sorry for the long post, but I really needed to get it down and basically ask, WWYD and what would your partner do and do you have any advice / suggestions at all? Think others views will really help me understand both sides, which I so desperately need to.

TIA x


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"home is where you go, they have to take you in", "home where you go when you have nowhere else left to go".

You have to work to help your husband past this objection. It's not your 4 yo nephew's fault his mom is a crackhead. He didn't 'sign up' for that. Yeah ok so it didn't all work out with rainbows, unicorns and such. Ok, get over yourself, man. The measure of a man's character is how much of the best of him he will lend to help the least of all of us. 

Keep Calm and Carry On


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

You guys need counseling, STAT! Find a professional who can help you deal with this situation. I think you are very wise and have carefully thought about the situation (re: resentments that you two will build in either scenario.) You also need to consider this may be a deal breaker. 

I tend to agree that he is a little on the lacking compassion side, but I can see his point too. If it were me, I would take the child in.......heck, it HAS been me! I am raising my husbands two kids after their mother abandoned them. My husband has since decided that he doesn't think he loves me anymore and wants to separate. We leave in a week (out of state.) They are coming with me. 

My heart goes out to you in this situation, because I can understand how you feel. That poor baby didn't choose who he was born to. Your sister is obviously a mess and it's a good thing that you no longer have contact with her. It would be different if the child were given up for adoption as an infant (which is what I hope happens with any subsequent children "sister" has.) But since he was accepted into his family, he needs to stay in it. Your H may have said from day one that he didn't want to take the child on, but he KNEW about the child and the situation. Don't let him guilt you into doing something you might regret forever.


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