# Wife fell out of Love



## jake913 (Feb 19, 2015)

My beautiful wife of 34 years just told me she loves me , but is no longer in love with me, because she loves me she felt she had to tell me a about a rekindled friendship with an old "Friend" that she hasn't seen in years. She tells me that for a couple of years she has been unhappy because I didn't give her compliments and I have been depressed and filled with negativity. The last couple of years have been rough on my work side. She is absolutely beautiful and keeps herself in great shape. Recently she underwent surgery to enhance her breasts. When she walks into a room she is stared at by all. They have been talking via Facebook, and have met on occasions. Last night we talked some more and she told me she really likes him but is not in love with him, she also says that as long as she is married she will honor the tradition. She also tells me she is still trying to work it out with me. She doesn't want a divorce , or for me to move out yet , but she's says she pretty sure at some time in the future we won't be together. We are even going on a vacation in 3 weeks. I am trying so hard , but when i'am not with her i can't function. All i do is think about her and look at the clock so i can go home to her. I have asked her to go to counseling, but she won't. I keep asking her what i can do to make things better , and she replies nothing , it's all her. I am a broken man , the thought of her with another man is eating me alive.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm a career woman, married for ongoing 35 years. See a divorce lawyer immediately. Cancel your vacation and take your vacation money to pay for your lawyer. Also, see a psychologist to get your mindset in the right direction.

Your wife is having and affair and has already plans to leave. Getting breasts implants only means that she will be trolling for men. She is hung up on her looks and is only thinking of herself. You have placed her in a pedestal. Place her on the floor where she belongs.

Get yourself together. This is not the time for you to drop the ball. You deserve a better life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some books that I think will help you quiet a bit. They will give you a roadmap of how to proceed. There is a possibility that this can be turned around. The books addresses how to go about it. Read them in the order listed below. 

(And don't tell your wife about them, especially not the first. If she knows you are reading them it will backfire as she will think and changes you are making are just a way to manipulate her.)

All of the books are by Dr. Harley.

"Surviving An Affair"

"His Needs, Her Needs" 

"Love Busters"


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm so sorry, but she is keeping you for a comfortable back up, while she slowly feeds this new relationship. Enhancing her body & telling you at some point in the future you won't be together, is basically putting you on her timeline, in which you won't know if it's tomorrow or next month, but at some point she will leave you.
The longer you stay together, the more hurt you will become, so save yourself a lot of future heartbreak.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Roselyn said:


> Your wife is having and affair and has already plans to leave. Getting breasts implants only means that she will be trolling for men. She is hung up on her looks and is only thinking of herself. You have placed her in a pedestal. Place her on the floor where she belongs.
> 
> Get yourself together. This is not the time for you to drop the ball. You deserve a better life.


She's right. At best she is making herself emotionally available to other men and seeking the attention of other men. For as much as you built her up in your OP, she doesn't sound like relationship material to me. I don't like implants, or the type of women who tend to get them, either.

Even if you still wanted a future with this woman, the only forward is to be prepared to lose her. The further you sink, and the further she climbs, the more unappealing you will become. She is already primed and searching for "better" mates, even if she hasn't found the right one yet. She's written you off and made you her "just for now, until something better comes along and I can escape," fallback plan. 

She's written you off already, but don't do anything rash or desperate. Don't grovel, don't lament over what could have been, and don't pity or blame yourself. There is a way forward, and it doesn't have to involve grasping at straws. 

Gather all of the clear-headed strength you can muster, listen to the advice given, and try to gain the initiative.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

jake913 said:


> She also tells me she is still trying to work it out with me.


False. Obviously not if she's unwilling to go to counseling.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Here's something that just might help you. It's titled *Just Let Them Go*


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

OP, when and why did she have breast enhancement surgery? Was it within the last few years when your marriage was supposedly bad? Some (not all) women after having cosmetic surgery become attention wh0res. If I were you I'd be wondering if this was the turning point in her behavior.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

jake913 said:


> *She also tells me she is still trying to work it out with me.*
> She doesn't want a divorce , or for me to move out yet , but she's says she pretty sure at some time in the future *we won't be together.*


Sorry you are here Jake. How much effort will she put into trying if she doesn't see you together in the long run? It seems more likely she's giving you a little hope so you won't cause her too much turmoil while she firms up her plans with OM. All the while you will find yourself in limbo. Don't be her fallback plan just in case her present plan falls through.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

She is definitely having an affair and keeping you as back up The more you try and cater to her or beg or do what she wants - the worse she will treat you and move towards the other man. 

That doesn't mean you haven't done anything wrong in the marriage, but instead of addressing it with you she has been unfaithful. 

Go to counseling, tell her either she ends the friendship and stops all contact and is completely honest or you are done. If you rug sweep this or ignore it she will either end up leaving you or think the behavior is fine and do it again. 

If she tries to blame you and won't agree to stop contact and work on the marriage, completely distance yourself, see a lawyer and counselor. start working on you and focusing on your happiness separate from her. If you have to pretend you are having a great time, go out, get new hobbies and separate funds from hers. Serve her with divorce papers. (You don't have to go through with it). Pay particular attention to your grooming and don't sleep in the bedroom with her. 

Good luck, I know this is awful and difficult. You deserve a fully committed wife. Oh and read those books recommended by Ele.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Dogbert said:


> Here's something that just might help you. It's titled *Just Let Them Go*


:iagree:

So much wisdom in that post.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Hasn't been in love with you or at least a couple of years but recently got breast enhancement surgery. That was for the OM and not for you. She's hanging around to honor the "tradition"? I suspect that tradition has to do with you paying bills. She needs to get her heart, her body, and her stuff all in the same place and get off the fence.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I dont believe in 'falling out of love'. This is a fallacy based on transitory feelings and the lack of understanding of what real love is.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> I dont believe in 'falling out of love'. This is a fallacy based on transitory feelings and the lack of understanding of what real love is.


Many people don't know what real love is. They're forever chasing butterflies while the rest of us who share a greater understanding of love soar like eagles.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tell you feel the same way and that its best to just end it as soon as possible.

even if you don.t feel that way.

then star getting prepared for your marriage coming to an end.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jake,
sorry you find yourself here

Don't confront her with what others have said here just yet. I also believe it is likely she is at least in an emotional affair at this point and it is likely she is stringing you along until she can get a commitment from the Other Man (OM) before she tells you "I tried but can't fall back in love with you"

DO NOT leave the marital home! Should it come to divorce this could be construed as abandonment. Also, since she is the one looking to end the marital contract, she should leave the home and not you.

Now is the time to start digging and see how long you have been deceived for. Get copies of your cell phone bills and see how far back this relationship goes. Go to the Coping With Infidelity section here and post your story and you will get tons of advice and investigative tips that may or may not help you should you go down the divorce path

You need to find out who this guy is and if he is married. If he is, you need o expose him to his wife

Best of luck to you


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

jake913 said:


> Last night we talked some more and she told me she really likes him but is not in love with him, she also says that as long as she is married she will honor the tradition. She also tells me she is still trying to work it out with me. She doesn't want a divorce , or for me to move out yet , but she's says she pretty sure at some time in the future we won't be together. We are even going on a vacation in 3 weeks..


HUH? Either she is with you, or she is not. Not this stringing you along type of BS. You don't deserve that. DO NOT go on vacation with her. Go by yourself or with a loved one or friend. Someone that loves you. Not someone who is looking out for herself!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Chicks dig confident guys!

Stop begging and crying for this marriage.

It's time to raise your attraction level by telling your old lady to go pound sand. Why in the hell would you settle for this limbo bull crap and being her plan B when you can go out and find another old lady?

I hope you see the point here....I get it...I love my old lady to..but not if she wants an open marriage... well then forget about it...I don't share! getting your old lady to start second guessing what she is going to loose and making her think twice is the goal here.

Your old lady knows you ain't going any were and the only reason she tells you she isn't banging this guy is cuz you just might bail on her and taking away any options she has to *play* if this @ss whole doesn't work out.

This infidelity crap is like one big iceberg there is always more to it so face it your old lady if phucking around.

Stop doing the chasing and go find someone that truly wants to be with you. it just might save your marriage.

or...


You can wait around until this new guy gets done using your old lady as a play ground and she comes crawling back to you...hell that could take months even years?

But I suggest you show your old lady you are not to be phucked with by asking her to just leave now.

That's my $0.02


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Angelou said:


> HUH? Either she is with you, or she is not. Not this stringing you along type of BS. You don't deserve that. DO NOT go on vacation with her. Go by yourself or with a loved one or friend. Someone that loves you. Not someone who is looking out for herself!


Worth repeating :iagree:


Its amazing what the wayward tells the betrayed just to keep having the cake and eating it too!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Toffer said:


> Jake,
> 
> 
> You need to find out who this guy is and if he is married. If he is, you need o expose him to his wife
> ...


This is one of the most important things to do.

Know you enemy. if this new guy is married and you expose this affair you have a hell of a better chance of saving this marriage when the OM (other man) is out of the picture trying to save his own marriage.

If the OM drops your WW (wayward wife) to save his own M it just might show your WW what a fantasy this all was and how she was being used by this POS.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

the guy said:


> Know you enemy. if this new guy is married and you expose this affair you have a hell of a better chance of saving this marriage when the OM (other man) is out of the picture trying to save his own marriage.
> 
> If the OM drops your WW (wayward wife) to save his own M it just might show your WW what a fantasy this all was and how she was being used by this POS.


I agree, but it is also very important to do the Magnum PI stuff to find out as much as possible about the extent of the affair. This will be important to determine if she has crossed a line which is a dealbreaker, and also to help with bringing her to total capitulation asap if OP wants to seek R.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Agree with all the others. Especially the poster who advised you not to move out of the marital home. Do NOT leave your home. If she wants a separation she can move.

Regardless of the state of your marriage, she chose to cheat - that's ALL on her.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is one of the most disrespectful and patronizing things a woman can say to a man.

It means she is no longer attracted to you, and the thought of sexual intimacy with you would be disturbing, like having sex with a brother.

Usually when they say this (and they say it often) it means some level of intimacy has taken place with the other man already, usually full on sex, more rarely it could be just an acknowledgement of feelings between them.

But you have been and are being replaced, and you cannot compete with the old flame, because she will have all the feelings of a new relationship with him. Do you see what you are up against?

It doesn't look good, when a woman sidelines you like that its unlikely they will be able to ever feel attracted to you again.


Sometimes if the affair does not go well they return to you (sometimes crawling back balling and begging) because you are a plan "B", but then we hear the husband complain that she still is not sexually interested.

The advice you are being given seem the opposite of what you would think, but you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it, otherwise you are only enabling her to move on, so don't be foolish.

Its early but the men who take actions do the best in these situations.

I wish you well, take care!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Blow the affair up. Expose to everyone you know: family, friends, etc. Make this inappropriate relationship see the light of day. It will not be nearly as fun for her then.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

So.... If you've been together 34 yrs it's safe to assume you both are at least mid 50's...which is too old to be getting a boob job, but I digress.

It's possible that she's going thru an "over the hill"(since mid life is crisis starts younger, no offense for anyone in their 50's, we'll all get their eventually,God willing)crisis and being controlled by her fluctuating hormones. They say women make a lot of life changing decisions around this time bc of the fleeting emotions and mood swings...so this could be a temporary thing till she comes back to her senses. If not, move on. I know it's easier said than done, especially after being married that long. I'm sorry!


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

First thing to address is why she "fell out of love" with you. That wasn't just by chance. Second, if you still want her then fight for her and don't feel sorry for yourself for even 1 second. You don't have time for that because OM isn't wasting time feeling sorry for himself. If OM is married then drop a dime on him. He's obviously not a person of any integrity at all because he's willing to see a married woman. People like that are scum bags. If you really don't love her, or doubt your love, then she's just doing you a favor.

Don't be her fallback plan. Have more respect for yourself than that.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

jake913, I know you feel lost. I noticed your other vague post. Listen, read and educate yourself here on this forum. It will be painful but you need to do the 180 (look it up). Good luck. You'll need to figure out what your boundaries are and enforce them.

Do the 180 and expose.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jake,

What happened to you????


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## jake913 (Feb 19, 2015)

Toffer said:


> Jake,
> 
> What happened to you????


Had discussion with wife, she admitted she has been using facebook to talk to him for 4 months. She swears she's telling me the truth. She has only met him twice, the nights his band was playing, and they have not had sex. She also tells me she has deep feelings for him but is not in love with him. She continues to tell me she has given me a second chance and is still trying to make this work. But she refuses to stop talking to him and says she will go see the band the next time they play. Last night I told her that I went on facebook and saw some things that bothered me. She got defensive and accused me of stalking. She quickly shut down the conversation about him and changed the subject. We them proceeded to discuss other things and our future vacation as if there is no problem. By the way he is in the process of a divorce which should be granted by the court any day now.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Well it's only a matter of time before they have sex, if they haven't already. You are going to have to risk losing your marriage to save it. What are you going to do about it?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BLOW. THIS. UP.

Grab your balls and expose it to anyone who is important. 

How could you listen to that without calling it for what it was: she is dating someone else while married to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shes lying through her teeth.

How has your sex life changed in the last few years? Has she cut you off, when?

Find out who his wife is and talk top her. Normally, the divorce story is a lie to keep you form ratting him out to his wife.

Tell your family and hers she is having an affair.

From what you are posting you are not going to do the tough things it takes to save a marriage. Acting needy, weak and begging will drive her off faster than a stick of dynamite.

Check the phone bills, see how much they are texting.

This is just me but I would go see his band too no matter what she says or does.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jake913 said:


> Had discussion with wife, she admitted she has been using facebook to talk to him for 4 months. She swears she's telling me the truth. She has only met him twice, the nights his band was playing, and they have not had sex. She also tells me she has deep feelings for him but is not in love with him. She continues to tell me she has given me a second chance and is still trying to make this work. But she refuses to stop talking to him and says she will go see the band the next time they play. Last night I told her that I went on facebook and saw some things that bothered me. She got defensive and accused me of stalking. She quickly shut down the conversation about him and changed the subject. We them proceeded to discuss other things and our future vacation as if there is no problem. By the way he is in the process of a divorce which should be granted by the court any day now.


I know you don't want to believe it but cheaters lie. Everything you typed so far from, suddenly unhappy to breast augmentation screams she is having an affair and planning her next move.

I'm sorry but having gone through this nonsense I will give you a piece of advice I wish someone would have given me. Your marriage is already over. She is completely checked out she is just trying to break this all to you gently. If she isn't having a physical affair she is certainly is an emotional one......and I don't buy for a second she isn't sleeping with this other guy.

She won't be interested in counseling or dropping the other guy. Ask her and you'll see what I mean. If thier are 99 moves from the time the word divorce is mentioned to the time the ink dries on the paper she is already 40 moves ahead. You have got to play catch up and quick. You need to 180 and get a lawyer asap.

Sorry but that is what I wished someone had told me. So I am giving you what I didn't have. Sorry you are in this place.

Ps. Don't believe any nonsene about how she fell out of love or you changed or didn't treat her right. Cheaters lie and cheaters more often than not rewrite history to make themselves feel better. Nothing changed till the other man came in the picture


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

I see that hit and run posting is as common here as it is on sports forums, politics forums, religion forums, etc. etc. etc....


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> I know you don't want to believe it but cheaters lie. Everything you typed so far from, suddenly unhappy to breast augmentation screams she is having an affair and planning her next move.
> 
> I'm sorry but having gone through this nonsense I will give you a piece of advice I wish someone would have given me. Your marriage is already over. She is completely checked out she is just trying to break this all to you gently. If she isn't having a physical affair she is certainly is an emotional one......and I don't buy for a second she isn't sleeping with this other guy.
> 
> ...


I second this post. My ex got the implants too, swore this, swore that. Never in a million years would I think she was capable of cheating. Guess what? Yes, correct, she did. Everything you are about to go through I and many others have went through. If you think your situation is unique, you are wrong. You can learn the hard way like many of us did, or you can be smarter than the rest of us and realise your marriage is over. She is in a new relationship, remember what that was like? He is all she is thinking about. Your only shot is to expose it, walk away, and not take it. You do not deserve nor should you tolerate being treated this way. 

Get counseling, read books recommended...do hobbies. It's a fresh start, try to make the best of it. She will act sad, angry, defensive...you will see many fake emotions. In the end, all she cares about is being with him. Don't fall for any of the BS that is about to come out of her mouth. Be strong.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does your wife work? Who's paying for her affair?


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

jake913 said:


> Had discussion with wife, she admitted she has been using facebook to talk to him for 4 months. She swears she's telling me the truth. She has only met him twice, the nights his band was playing, and they have not had sex. She also tells me she has deep feelings for him but is not in love with him. She continues to tell me she has given me a second chance and is still trying to make this work. But she refuses to stop talking to him and says she will go see the band the next time they play. Last night I told her that I went on facebook and saw some things that bothered me. She got defensive and accused me of stalking. She quickly shut down the conversation about him and changed the subject. We them proceeded to discuss other things and our future vacation as if there is no problem. By the way he is in the process of a divorce which should be granted by the court any day now.



What did you see that bothered you exactly? You should follow your gut. I assure you that you are thinking right. How exactly is she giving you a chance when she refuses to stop talking to this guy?

She's making you work for something that should already be yours. Meaning she's already checked out. The only way to get through this is to follow the advice here. Start moving on. Only after you've blown up your marriage can you start consider fixing it. Sounds crazy but we've seen it here time and time again.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

If you want to save the marriage, Exposure just might help.
It worked in my case, killed the affair and it was only EA at the time, I caught it the night before it was to go PA. It was the only thing I did right before I came here. Exposure may also give you some much needed support from other family members.
now I don't know if I would believe your wife about not having sex with OM but she could be telling the truth.

I didn't do exposure out of revenge or to be vindictive, I did, I think in my case out of fear not know what to do or where to turn.
in my case the exposure included these people ( it may vary from case to case):
I went to OM's house confronted him ( be careful here) if he would have said one thing smart to me i wouldn't be here.
OM was single so no wife or girlfriend to tell.
I told OM's mom (I figure she might want to know If she was going to have a daughter in law with an 8 year old child) she OM's mom also worked for his business.
I told my mom
I told our pasture and his wife we were very good friends at the time (my wife was very religious at the time)
I told her mom and dad ( these people gave me much needed support)
I also told one of her two sisters and one of my three sisters. (some more support help)
I did *not* tell my 8 year old son ( he found out a few months later by over hearing his aunts talking).

your wife is going to be angry from exposure that is normal, My wife said "how could you do that to me" I was speechless for a few seconds and I said how could you have an affair, how could you do that to me. she eventually saw it as me fighting for her and the marriage.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jake, I said it before and I will say it again......go to the infidelity forum and READ!


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Sorry to be so blunt, but if were me, I would file for divorce ASAP and end of story.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

jake913 said:


> Had discussion with wife, she admitted she has been using facebook to talk to him for 4 months. She swears she's telling me the truth. She has only met him twice, the nights his band was playing, and they have not had sex. She also tells me she has deep feelings for him but is not in love with him. She continues to tell me she has given me a second chance and is still trying to make this work. But she refuses to stop talking to him and says she will go see the band the next time they play. Last night I told her that I went on facebook and saw some things that bothered me. She got defensive and accused me of stalking. She quickly shut down the conversation about him and changed the subject. We them proceeded to discuss other things and our future vacation as if there is no problem. By the way he is in the process of a divorce which should be granted by the court any day now.


Don't believe anything she says.

She is planning on leaving you for him, you are in deep denial right now and it won't end well for you unless you start acting now. Dollar to donuts she is just waiting for him to get his own place before moving forward with the affair.

Tell her to stop talking to him or you will file for a divorce and be ready to file because she isn't going to stop (she may say she will but will just hide it). I don't think you really understand how serious your situation is. You need to start posting to CWI asap.


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