# I don't know how to coap after my husband affair



## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

My huband of 10 years. Has been having an affair for the last 6 months. He works out of town a lot and started an affair with the desk clerk at the hotel he was staying in. He says he had sex with her three times between November and December, but has continued and emotional affair with her through calls and text till I caught him through phone records 2 days ago. I love him and don't really want to leave him. But I am feeling so betrayed and I cannot get the images of them out of my head. I wonder if I will ever be able to be intimate with him again without thinking of him with her. In the two days since I found out and he told her it was over he has been very considerate of my needs and we seem emotionally connected again. (He has been emotionally detached and I thought something was wrong). He talks to me and hugs me almost like an injured child. But last night when he tried to kiss me goodnight images of him and her go through my head and made me sick to my stomach and I started to cry uncontrollably. He held me through my tears and that kind of tough was comforting for me. But I am wondering if he will ever be able to touch me intimately without the images and the pain coming back. Has anyone else had these thoughts? Will they ever go away? Oh I am also having bad dreams that they are texting each other and I wake with a panic and look for his phone because it seemed so real. Are the dreams normal? Will they ever go away? I am so tired I need sleep:sleeping: and eat but I am so sick to my stomach and there is a not in my throat that eating is painful will this feeling go away?
P.S. they did not use a condom every time so I am also very worried about an STD I will be tested on Monday and I am so scared.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

It's very normal for you to go through all of this pain. Nightmares, not being able to eat and not being able to sleep is, unfortunately common. You WILL get through this! Many of us have and are better for it. Do you have any family or friends who can give you support? Is there a pastor or counselor you could speak with? People on TAM are lovely and experienced. Listen to them.


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

We moved from Utah to Pennsylvania about 2 ½ years ago for his work and I have friends through PTA, Soccer, and Cub scouts but it does not feel right to talk to any of these people about it and I don’t really want to call family because I really don’t think they would understand why I would want to stay with him. And my pastor said he was not trained to council in marriage but would find a Christian Marriage councilor for me. I just found this forum and hope it helps me learn to deal with the wide range of emotions I am going through. Thank you for your reply I really need advice and an ear. ~Hurt but not broken~


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## strongsad (Mar 2, 2013)

I am very sorry you are here, but you have found a good place. I am in a similar situation myself.

My Dday was 10 days ago today, and my 5 anniversary with my WW is in 13 days. It will be a hard day, and i don't look forward to it. I wont get too much into my story but WW is a serial cheater, mulitple affairs, 3 OM for the past 5 months, and has basically used them when she wanted to. I felt so destroyed, and useless. But im not, she has and is full of problems, and she was selfish and completely evil in her actions. Ive done nothing wrong and while im not perfect and i need work, I am a good person and partner and there was nothing i could have done to ever deserve this. Make sure you know that.

Did you catch him? or did he turn himself in? Have you had any problems before this?


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## Marriagecounselor101 (Mar 9, 2013)

I am very sympathetic of your situation, however I admire your strength in not easily walking out of your marriage. Your husband obviously still loves you, and demonstrates that he is also hurt for what he did. Your reaction is normal it is a betrayal, however unfortunately time cannot be re winded only adjustments can be made to evitate a repetition in the future. Also comfort yourself now and its time to put your well being as a priority. The time to come to terms with the betrayal will not come easily and cannot be ignored because unless you distress those feeling, and slowly heal that very opened womb you will grow a deep feeling of resentment and mistrust that will later not be able to be repaired. 
STEP 1: You will do anything in your power to occupy your mind on anything else in the world except the affair for the next seven days. (Suggestions: exercise is a must -It pumps up your endorphins. Physical activity helps to bump up the production of your brain's feel-good neurotransmitters, called endorphins. Although this function is often referred to as a runner's high, a rousing game of tennis or a nature hike also can contribute to this same feeling.
STEP 2: Identify what you have been doing in life the last five years. Write the positives.
STEP 3: What is the top 5 things you think you need to do to better yourself/What are the top 5 things you need to feel happier in your marriage.
STEP 4: You will be physically active NO SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND for the next 7 days. 
STEP 5: Meditate during these days, close your eyes and envision what you want in your life for the next 10 years.
STEP 6:Let your emotions out! Don't be afraid you are strong! 
STEP 7:Although you are hurt don't completely as as if your husband doesn't exist during this time, however you are hurt and its okay to breathe and give yourself time to think and reinvent yourself as an individual. 
STEP 8: This will be on the last of the seven day at your bedtime. You will write the top 5 things you have enjoyed about your last six days. Write the top 5 reasons you love yourself. Search for 3 inspiring quotes that suite you at this time could be biblical or other quotes. The following day you will reserve a time to speak to your husband and identify how he feels and explain how you feel. Ask question (exp: How do you feel right now, explain what you have enjoyed these last couple of days, ask what you both envision 10 years down the road, and speak openly about the affair. There are questions you have and no matter how ridiculous you may think they are YOU ASK! You need to heal to move forward and no matter what questions you deserve answers. You two need to identify what was missing in your relationship and why the affair occurred.If hes away on business you may need to keep your connection by video chatting and rekindling when you meet again. 
Keep in mind after the talk between the two of you on this day you either choose to forgive him or not. You are not to bring up the affair again in other arguments or situations. Also, let your husband know you love him and need to rebuild trust and that time will be of an essence. After this day the affair will circulate in your mind for years perhaps, however you will find a healthy way to block out those images and use that time to better yourself. You feel depressed and its normal but you need to block it out and grow from it not allow it to consume you. Follow these steps and I assure it will be a step in the right direction. Let me know if this helped.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Hurt, I know exactly what you have been going through because I am also going through the same thing since December. It seems like you want to stay with your husband and if he is sincere I think you will probably get through this. 

Since December I have just started letting my husband touch me in the last few weeks, and I am talking about any kind of touch whatsoever, including hugs. I had made up in my mind that the person who hurt you can never comfort you but I guess what won out for me is that since my H admitted his cheating, he has done everything that could be expected to keep our family together. I actually asked him how long can he go without sex and he admits it's killing him and he is taking it one day at a time but if it will keep our family together he will go through it. We recently did have sex and it was so bittersweet that I wanted to cry afterward but held it back.

So, if your husband is really trying, and you want this too, please hang in there. I know for me, I have no face to put with the OW because I did not know her. So I don't know what to say about the images except maybe keep talking to your husband about it, tell him you feel and let him comfort you. It is a long road and all of the ground has to be covered.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Marriagecounselor101 said:


> I am very sympathetic of your situation, however I admire your strength in not easily walking out of your marriage. Your husband obviously still loves you, and demonstrates that he is also hurt for what he did. Your reaction is normal it is a betrayal, however unfortunately time cannot be re winded only adjustments can be made to evitate a repetition in the future. Also comfort yourself now and its time to put your well being as a priority. The time to come to terms with the betrayal will not come easily and cannot be ignored because unless you distress those feeling, and slowly heal that very opened womb you will grow a deep feeling of resentment and mistrust that will later not be able to be repaired.
> STEP 1: You will do anything in your power to occupy your mind on anything else in the world except the affair for the next seven days. (Suggestions: exercise is a must -It pumps up your endorphins. Physical activity helps to bump up the production of your brain's feel-good neurotransmitters, called endorphins. Although this function is often referred to as a runner's high, a rousing game of tennis or a nature hike also can contribute to this same feeling.
> STEP 2: Identify what you have been doing in life the last five years. Write the positives.
> STEP 3: What is the top 5 things you think you need to do to better yourself/What are the top 5 things you need to feel happier in your marriage.
> ...


While some of that you are saying is okay, I know a lot of it would not work for me. Are you a marriage counselor? Having steps and other similar methods might work for some but not all. It is too much like getting a chain email that says send this to 5 other people and whatever is bothering you will go away.

I have to admit, this is just me, because I tried two marriage counselors and both of them my H and I left like this :scratchhead: and then this :rofl: It help because that is the first time we had laugh together about something since 2 months. We decide to talk to the Pastor of our church and his wife even though they let us know they were not marriage counselors, it was just to talk. They have help more than anything just talking to us about what love truly is from 1st Corinthians

I am still a LONG LONG ways away from healing but those counselor was not helping anything at all. Sorry to have to say that. Because it seemed a lot like the things you are saying.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Make sure you are staying for the right reasons, and that he is worth it, because it will be the hardest thing you will ever do. I would ask him to make a list of 5 reasons why you should stay and 5 why you should leave. The idea is to force him to have empathy. I also think you need to find a close friend or relative to confide in, this place is great, but we can't hug you. Best of luck. I wish some moments of peace during this storm.


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

strongsad said:


> I am very sorry you are here, but you have found a good place. I am in a similar situation myself.
> 
> My Dday was 10 days ago today, and my 5 anniversary with my WW is in 13 days. It will be a hard day, and i don't look forward to it. I wont get too much into my story but WW is a serial cheater, mulitple affairs, 3 OM for the past 5 months, and has basically used them when she wanted to. I felt so destroyed, and useless. But im not, she has and is full of problems, and she was selfish and completely evil in her actions. Ive done nothing wrong and while im not perfect and i need work, I am a good person and partner and there was nothing i could have done to ever deserve this. Make sure you know that.
> 
> Did you catch him? or did he turn himself in? Have you had any problems before this?


Strong sad I am sorry you are also having problems. I am like you I know I did nothing to deserve it I am a very good wife and mother. I have given everything I have to make sure my family is happy. This happened because he has a problem not me. He told me that he had met someone and that they talked back in October and that she kissed him and that was all. I caught him through our phone bill and it seems that he has been honest with all of my questions. But I don’t think he would have ever told me the extent of his affair if I had not caught him.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

It's too soon for you to decide anything. Take some time out and pamper yourself. Process your feelings. Sounds like he's being sincere. That's a big help. Express to him how you are feeling and tell him how hurt you are. You are having mind movies, that's normal for trauma. You are still in shock. Read the newbie thread on here by AlmostRecovered.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

OP,

First has ALL contact been stopped, and have you verified this, this is critical.
Next, you WILL talk about this far more than seven days. This will consume you for a while, there is NO way around it. your pain will subside over time, sorry but thats what will help you the most, time. 

How your husband handles this will determine a lot.
Is he open to talking about this, is he answering ALL your questions. These are things he must do to help you get through this. Note I said through this, there are no short cuts, you can't ignore it, not talk about it etc. you must deal with it head on. if you want to reconcile then he must participate also. 

All your feelings right now are valid, especially the mind movies, I am 9 months out and they still get me occasionally. It's far better but they can still hit me hard sometimes. 

My wife is EI on this forum she had a 15 month full blown ea/pa so sex images and thoughts haunted me terribly. We are doing very well now, so it is very possible to reconcile but it's hard work, takes lots of communications and lots of effort on your spouses part.

You do need to look into the why it happened. That will help you as bad as it may hurt. What he did is not excusable, there is no justification but there is a reason and knowing that will help you.

Oh and the lump in your throat will be there for a while. If possible take some time off work, I did, I could not function the first week after I found out. All I can really say is talk, talk, talk with him. 

You are probably wondering about the details, how much to get. For me, I wanted it all, others only want to know the basics if they had sex and when. Others like myself wanted to know positions, how long it lasted, and far more details. My wife gave them to me. If I had it to do over, I think I would still get them, even though there are some I wish I didn't get. Just be prepared, if you ask, be ready to handle some serious hurt. When my wife gave me those details the one thing I knew is that she was probably be honest, and I was getting the truth which was important to me. Then when I had a important question, one that meant a lot to me I felt confident she was being honest. You are going to have question after question, they will hit you while driving, sleeping, eating, taking a bath, they will come at you constantly.
Don't hold back, if they are eating at you most likely they won't stop Until you get an answer. 

Know this, your hurt is real, your not crazy the pain seems unbearable, but you will get through this, it will get better. Hang in there and if possible get to counseling ASAP. You need individual and couples counseling. What you are going through is traumatic and one of the single worse things a person can endure. I am sorry you are here but this place has a lot of good people who can help, most of us have been In your shoes including me so we have been there done that experience.

You can find my story in a thread titled reconciliation. It's a very large thread with some great people on it. 

I don't generally venture out from it too much but your story just touched me and my wife. I know your pain all to well, so do many others here.

One more thing have your husband watch this video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8QKOUbosNo
And you watch it too.


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## Marriagecounselor101 (Mar 9, 2013)

I have counseled couples and have seen my fair share of cheating husbands. Some repented and some just admitted to not be in love anymore. In the case of (hurtbutnotbroken) her husband's response demonstrates that he cares for her pain, and it is a marriage that has room for growth and improvement. The biggest turn out of cheating husbands is a scorned wife who finds it hard to communicate about the situation without breaking down and getting through the much necessary conversation, as a result I have seen the steps I provided have a positive turnout. The worst state to speak about the matter is a state in which you have not had time to yourself to reflect on the situation. I agree the steps don't work for a everyone, but it has had a more positive response than a negative one.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

hurt but not broken said:


> My huband of 10 years. Has been having an affair for the last 6 months. He works out of town a lot and started an affair with the desk clerk at the hotel he was staying in. He says he had sex with her three times between November and December, but has continued and emotional affair with her through calls and text till I caught him through phone records 2 days ago. I love him and don't really want to leave him. But I am feeling so betrayed and I cannot get the images of them out of my head. I wonder if I will ever be able to be intimate with him again without thinking of him with her. In the two days since I found out and he told her it was over he has been very considerate of my needs and we seem emotionally connected again. (He has been emotionally detached and I thought something was wrong). He talks to me and hugs me almost like an injured child. But last night when he tried to kiss me goodnight images of him and her go through my head and made me sick to my stomach and I started to cry uncontrollably. He held me through my tears and that kind of tough was comforting for me. But I am wondering if he will ever be able to touch me intimately without the images and the pain coming back. Has anyone else had these thoughts? Will they ever go away? Oh I am also having bad dreams that they are texting each other and I wake with a panic and look for his phone because it seemed so real. Are the dreams normal? Will they ever go away? I am so tired I need sleep:sleeping: and eat but I am so sick to my stomach and there is a not in my throat that eating is painful will this feeling go away?
> P.S. they did not use a condom every time so I am also very worried about an STD I will be tested on Monday and I am so scared.


Firstly, I'm so sorry that you are here. You probably thought, like all of us, that this would never happen to your relationship, but accepting that it has is one of the most important things to do before you can heal...(IMO)

It has been a year and a half since I found the sexting msg. My H in the beginning, didn't want to be with me or our family even with our new 6 week old twins, he wanted her but she didn't want him, she wanted to stay with her fiancé who could offer her finical security. So, in a way you are lucky that he IS remorseful now, and hopefully is not in some FOG as that is hard for them to come out of...

It took my H 3 weeks to come out of his fog and then he tried very hard to reconcile with me and our family.

The nightmares and not eating stage, is very common, I went threw that too, and still have them although not as much. You may also go threw stages of resentment later too, feeling like you have 'taken him back, or forgave him' too quickly, so I would sugess making sure their are some consequences for his actions.

Trust is going to be very hard to get back again, if ever, I still can't trust him.

Oh god, I'm probably not sounding very positive about the whole matter, but I am trying to prepare you for a long long road doing it hard, you will have lots of ups n downs in your emotions, recovery is not easy.

Please make sure you get into MC and IC asap, this will save you and your marriage!

I would definitely get tested for any STD's and definitely wouldnt have sex with your H until you can think straight and know for sure that there is no STD, the last thing you want to feel is regret for giving yourself too easily- respect yourself and others will respect you!

Lastly, don't be afraid of making a hard decision, thinking you may loose him. I wish I had of made harder consequences for my H & I regret it everyday. If he can't fight for your love and respect now, then he may never be able to and you have to really ask yourself is this really what you want in your relationship for the rest of your life?

Bottom line, recovery is possible if you get help. You will start to feel normal again but expect bouts of emotions for a long time. Have a plan, take care of you right now.

Hope this helps you, I'm truly sorry you are here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

Well today is day 3 of my healing D day is a blur and day 1 I spent doing recon my H left his phone with me when he went to work to show me that he has no intentions of contacting her again. Well she texted him and she Texted me I thought she had nerve after a few texts of her saying she deserved to talk to him one last time and me telling her no she didn’t I told her that he was a great husband and father before she came around and that with her gone I thought he would be again. Thankfully we have not heard from her since. I have never been a distrusting wife perhaps that is why the affair was able to go on for 6 months. So I decided that I was going to be one of those wifes that always know where her husband is and who he is talking to. So I set both our phones up with the find my phone app and imessage when either of us receives a message the other one will receive it to. To me this seems crazy stockerish but I do think it will help me build trust in him again if I can see where he is and who he is texting and I learned that verizonwirless.com updates the call history everyday so I can also see who he is talking to. He knows I have done all of this and is fine with it he has not made me feel like I am a crazy stalker he said he wants to help me trust him again and if this helps then it is ok with him. I have no intention of checking it often but it is a comfort to know I can. Last night Day 2 of healing he came home from work with a rose, two very touching cards and mounds (he remembered a conversation that we had had about mounds vs almond joy so it was thoughtful). I cried and he held me and listened to me talk. I had spent most of my day on this site and others like it trying to understand why and how to fix I told him what I read and he agreed to do everything the websites say to do to heal. This was the first night I slept at all I did have some nightmares but they were not as frequent. Day 3 is Sunday and the kids and I went to church he stayed home and read the websites that I had up. We didn’t really talk about anything deep today but he made us lunch before he had to go to work. I am really hoping that he can tell me why he had an affair. I am afraid that we won’t heal if he can’t tell me why. So hopefully he has been thinking long and hard about why and can tell me soon. He was able to kiss me today without me bursting into tears, but I don’t feel comfortable doing anything else yet because I still have the “mind movies” they are awful will they ever end? We have always had a pretty good sex life when he was home. And I so badly want to be able to get there again but I need time. He told me that he will wait as long as I need. He is at work right now and he has been texting me more than usual so that feels good. He is also talking about future plans with me and the kids I really do feel that he is trying and genuinely sorry and has full intentions of making it up to us. Today at church a friend told me to remember if God brings me to it than he will help me through it I have never understood the full meaning behind that saying until now I have never really had to deal with anything this painful. I hope no one minds my rant but it feels good to be able to tell my story to people that don’t know us and maybe understand what I am thinking.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

It's way to early to start trusting.....he cant trust himself right now, you need to check cell records for a while. You left him alone while at church, check the records. This was a pa\ea there were feelings involved. They probably said I love you to each other. This does not get all better in a week. Feelings cannot be turned on and off like a faucet.

My ww contacting her ap 2weeks and at 3 weeks after Dday. It happens ALL the time. Especially when there are feelings involved.

Him heal?? Tell you soon?

YOU are the one who needs to heal, you are still in shock, traumatized by his adultery. Did you hear that, he committed adultery, he was wrong, he lied to you and deceived you for 6 months. And he has yet to tell you why he did it? What is he waiting for? Why are you waiting?

He owes you explanations, he owes you time and owes you more than making some lunches and looking at a few websites.
Please understand this is a BIG deal, you seem to be taking it lightly worrying about him, he cheated on you. Worry about him later, right now get some answers from him, ley him know your hurting, this has severely damaged your marriage, trust and life as you know it.

Understand too that this isn't your mess to fix, you are looking for ways so you can fix this. He should be doing this, sure look at your marriage prior, see where you can work on it, but this affair this is all on him, he needs to make this up, he needs to repair that mess.

Hbnb you need to understand something, this is his wrong, not yours. This is his problem to fix, this affair was his choice, his doing. Everything right now points to a remorseful husband, still you need to check up on him, monitor him and verify. 

Don't just rug sweep this. Also, can you get into counseling, look into that if you can.


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

Day 4 of my healing today was bad my H worked all night and came home around 7:30am he helped get the kids ready for school because we all slept in (darn daylights savings) any way once the kids got on the bus I had a complete melt down because I had to go to get the std testing and I was (and still am) scared as hell. He offered to take my place and I told him no a few times but then agreed to change my appt to his name because I am going to the doctor latter this month any way and can get tested then. I am insisting that we both get tested anyway. I am so mad that I even have to think about STDs that there was nothing he could do today to not make me want to punch him in his face I didn’t but I wanted to. The stress of the tests made me madder about everything that has happened in the last 5 days. I was mad that when he told her it was over (in front of me) he was not mean. I have never been the type of person that would want to hear someone be mean to someone but I wanted to hear him hurt her like he hurt me. I know that it is his fault he had an affair and that he is the one that betrayed me but what kind of person will sleep with a married person? I mean really our wedding rings are tattooed on! That seems so stupid now but he cannot wear his ring to work for safety reasons so we had them tattooed on. Well that didn’t stop them. He claims that since December their relationship has not been intimate I say bull crap. Sure they probably have not slept together since them because he has not worked in her town. But the amount of texts and calls between them had to of been intimate. I mean really some of their calls were 90 mins long, and some days they texted over 100 times. How could it not have been intimate. I would really love to see the texts between them, but the only way to get that is with a lawyer for court and I still don’t know if I am going to leave him or not. I did tell him today that if his test does not come back negative for all things I have to leave him, I really don’t think I could handle a medical problem on top of all that I am going through. He cried when I said that he seems just a scared as me right now. Another thing I am mad about and cannot quit thinking about is that he says he loves me so much but that feels like a crock if he loves me so much how could be even think about being with another woman. Oh and he finally told me why he thinks it happened. And I don’t think it made me any better in fact I think it is worse because it is not something I can prevent in the future. He said he was intrigued by having someone new to talk to. He said that I know everything about him (we have known each other since we were 9 and 12). That is not a reason I can fix. I was hoping his reason was that he was working out of town so much and he went out drinking with coworkers and got carried away. That I think we could fix. But he was intrigued to have someone new to talk to I don’t know how to prevent that from happening again. I honestly have no doubt that he is sincerely sorry for what he has done. He has said that watching me be in this much pain and knowing he caused it is the most pain he has ever felt. But I am just not sure that I will be able to trust him again. And I think trust is a crucial part of a marriage and without it we won’t make it but I will not just give it back to him he has to earn it. We are going to start seeing a pastor that has agreed to council us but I am looking for a councilor that can see us both individually. There has been a lot of stress in our lives in 2012 aside from the affair. My brother and his daughter moved in with us in February 2012 I ended up kicking my brother out after 9 months (he is not a good person) but he left his daughter so we now have three kids. And I had a WLS in May and have gone from 264 lbs to as of today 149. He also got a promotion at work that gave him much more responsibilities. And he had to work out of town a lot. Also from June to October (when the affair started) the people renting our other house owed us $4000. And we were trying to evict them. I am not trying to give him any excuses because there isn’t one. But we have both been under a lot of stress and I wish we would have been seeing councilors all along maybe then he wouldn’t have been so intrigued to talk to someone else. 
Sorry about the rant and the over share of personal information I am sure reading my story is getting pretty tedious especially because I am not a writer and I am sure my grammar and spelling really need to be worked on. ~Hurt but not Broken~


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

hurt but not broken said:


> Day 4 of my healing today was bad my H worked all night and came home around 7:30am he helped get the kids ready for school because we all slept in (darn daylights savings) any way once the kids got on the bus I had a complete melt down because I had to go to get the std testing and I was (and still am) scared as hell. He offered to take my place and I told him no a few times but then agreed to change my appt to his name because I am going to the doctor latter this month any way and can get tested then. I am insisting that we both get tested anyway. I am so mad that I even have to think about STDs that there was nothing he could do today to not make me want to punch him in his face I didn’t but I wanted to. The stress of the tests made me madder about everything that has happened in the last 5 days. I was mad that when he told her it was over (in front of me) he was not mean. I have never been the type of person that would want to hear someone be mean to someone but I wanted to hear him hurt her like he hurt me. I know that it is his fault he had an affair and that he is the one that betrayed me but what kind of person will sleep with a married person? I mean really our wedding rings are tattooed on! That seems so stupid now but he cannot wear his ring to work for safety reasons so we had them tattooed on. Well that didn’t stop them. He claims that since December their relationship has not been intimate I say bull crap. Sure they probably have not slept together since them because he has not worked in her town. But the amount of texts and calls between them had to of been intimate. I mean really some of their calls were 90 mins long, and some days they texted over 100 times. How could it not have been intimate. I would really love to see the texts between them, but the only way to get that is with a lawyer for court and I still don’t know if I am going to leave him or not. I did tell him today that if his test does not come back negative for all things I have to leave him, I really don’t think I could handle a medical problem on top of all that I am going through. He cried when I said that he seems just a scared as me right now. Another thing I am mad about and cannot quit thinking about is that he says he loves me so much but that feels like a crock if he loves me so much how could be even think about being with another woman. Oh and he finally told me why he thinks it happened. And I don’t think it made me any better in fact I think it is worse because it is not something I can prevent in the future. He said he was intrigued by having someone new to talk to. He said that I know everything about him (we have known each other since we were 9 and 12). That is not a reason I can fix. I was hoping his reason was that he was working out of town so much and he went out drinking with coworkers and got carried away. That I think we could fix. But he was intrigued to have someone new to talk to I don’t know how to prevent that from happening again. I honestly have no doubt that he is sincerely sorry for what he has done. He has said that watching me be in this much pain and knowing he caused it is the most pain he has ever felt. But I am just not sure that I will be able to trust him again. And I think trust is a crucial part of a marriage and without it we won’t make it but I will not just give it back to him he has to earn it. We are going to start seeing a pastor that has agreed to council us but I am looking for a councilor that can see us both individually. There has been a lot of stress in our lives in 2012 aside from the affair. My brother and his daughter moved in with us in February 2012 I ended up kicking my brother out after 9 months (he is not a good person) but he left his daughter so we now have three kids. And I had a WLS in May and have gone from 264 lbs to as of today 149. He also got a promotion at work that gave him much more responsibilities. And he had to work out of town a lot. Also from June to October (when the affair started) the people renting our other house owed us $4000. And we were trying to evict them. I am not trying to give him any excuses because there isn’t one. But we have both been under a lot of stress and I wish we would have been seeing councilors all along maybe then he wouldn’t have been so intrigued to talk to someone else.
> Sorry about the rant and the over share of personal information I am sure reading my story is getting pretty tedious especially because I am not a writer and I am sure my grammar and spelling really need to be worked on. ~Hurt but not Broken~


I just wanted to say good luck with your test today... Im saying a prayer for you... 
My H had a one night stand many years ago and didn't tell me, I found out threw text msg to another woman who he was having an EA with in 2011. He insists that he wore a condom that she provided, but I still have those fears that; what if that condom had a hole in it, intentionally so she could get pregnant? Or what if he lied about using protection and he does have a child out there that we don't know about?
I was tested/screened for all sorts of things when I was pregnant with our twins in 2011 (his ONS was some time in 2006?07) at the time I joked to him about being tested for any STD's- little did I know that I would be greatful for it months to come, when I was made aware of his affair...

Good luck, God bless, hope to hear good news...
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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Glad to see your getting counseling. Hope the test comes back ok.
Hang in there it's a rough road your on, a roller coaster as its so rightly called. Just know your emotions will be all over the place, it's normal to be angry one minute and in tears the next.

I'm not real big on his reason either. That would make me nervous and make it very hard to trust again. He was basically bored, what the heck do you do with that? There is nothing to work on. Hopefully counseling will have some answers.

Definitely get individual counseling too.

Good luck.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Glad to read you are getting on track, but also want to say that sometimes when the cheater willingly hands over their cell phones to be tracked/monitored ect.... Sometimes they just go out and get a prepaid burner phone so be vigilant and keep an eye open. He probably loved the attn he was getting from the phone calls/texts and may not give all that up so easily esp if he thinks he can get away with it. 

Hopefully your H is being truly sorry.


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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

B1 said:


> Glad to see your getting counseling. Hope the test comes back ok.
> Hang in there it's a rough road your on, a roller coaster as its so rightly called. Just know your emotions will be all over the place, it's normal to be angry one minute and in tears the next.
> 
> I'm not real big on his reason either. That would make me nervous and make it very hard to trust again. He was basically bored, what the heck do you do with that? There is nothing to work on. Hopefully counseling will have some answers.
> ...


Thank you b1 it is good to know that my feelings are normal for my situation I really am on a roller coaster one min I love him and want to accept all of his efforts to make it up to me and the next not wanting him near me and thinking it is all to little to late but then I want it to workout the next minute. Then I want him to pay and suffer then I don't I really don't trust my own thoughts right now. So I am hanging out with friends more and shopping and doing more things for myself. I am really trying not to make any decisions while I am so on again off again I guess only time will tell. I really do think he is sorry and trying to make it right but I am afraid if I forgive him too easily then there will be nothing to prevent it again. He says that seeing the pain he has caused me is enough to keep him from ever doing it again.
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## hurt but not broken (Mar 9, 2013)

sunshinetoday said:


> Glad to read you are getting on track, but also want to say that sometimes when the cheater willingly hands over their cell phones to be tracked/monitored ect.... Sometimes they just go out and get a prepaid burner phone so be vigilant and keep an eye open. He probably loved the attn he was getting from the phone calls/texts and may not give all that up so easily esp if he thinks he can get away with it.
> My eyes are defiantly open I don't trust anything he does. I guess I have turned into one of those crazy wife's that never wants her husband out of her site. It feels awful to be so paranoid.
> Hopefully your H is being truly sorry.


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