# Scared



## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

I am really scared to post about my marriage, I do not want to be judged or even worst be in a situation to defend what I am dealing with. I am safe or will this just be another way that I am attacked. Is this a place to find friends and solace.
I am so alone I do not know where else to turn.


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## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

Ok it is obvious I am going to have to start some where, deep breath here goes. My husband wants to live a part he said we can not work on our problems living together and I think how can we do it apart. I am not a saint in our problems I am very volitile and have problems controlling my temper and yelling, he hates that and I am trying. I just get so frustrated sometimes that he does not seem to listen to what I am trying to say. He likes to go out with his friends and I agree its ok some times and with limits but he always pushes the limits staying out really late and I am not a fool I trust him but there is temptation out there so why go, why test our relationship I just do not understand


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## TheLoveGuru's (Sep 29, 2008)

First of all, we want you to know, everything is going to be ok. It will. Believe that. *Big Hug* Its going to be alright love. 

Right now, your husband is feeling suffocated, he feels controlled. No one likes to feel this way. (Please understand, we are not judging you in any way ok? We just want to give you some insight into how he is feeling.) When a person loves another, it is that love that moves them. Love that is to last, must remain pure. What we mean is, you must let go of thinking of the worst. Begin by thinking the best of your husband. Remove fear from the relationship, and work on trust and stability. Trust what he tells you. Trust that he will not do anything. Not only this, but trust that if something should happen, you will find out. You don't have to worry about the worst, if you are only focused on the best. 

Its a cycle honey. If you think the worst is happening, you will treat him this way. The problem is, its not fair. If your husband is not doing anything wrong, then why punish him for it? Try to find other solutions. 

Have you asked about going out with him? While he's out, why not send a text, or make sure to give him a call? These are ways to ensure that he remembers you, and that you are keeping steady contact. 

The control is the problem honey. If you can find a way to allow him to live his life, while at the same time communicating to him your fears, you two will get past this. Contact us if you need to.

Tita & Tibu


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

allaloneinbr said:


> My husband wants to live a part he said we can not work on our problems living together and I think how can we do it apart. I am not a saint in our problems I am very volitile and have problems controlling my temper and yelling, he hates that and I am trying.


No one is here to judge you. Each of us has our own issues and we've all done things we are not proud of. I know i certainly have. I also have a volatile temper. 

Aside from that behaviors do have consequences. You may not like them but it is best that your H leave. You need to go to counseling, read books, find a support group, to fix your temper. Until then, you have no right to ask your H to subject himself to your temper. 

If you do things to fix your temper so you can be respectful towards him, then you have a right to ask him to come back.


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## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

Thank you, I know he doesn't want to controlled. I guess my insecurity in regards to some female friends he has caused some of our troubles I told him I trust him but I am lying I guess since it is so hard to understand why he needs to have other females to talk to, he said he is not attracted to them in a sexual way and only wnts me, I guess I just finally pushed too hard. Thank you so much for your honesty I guess I really needed some insight I will give him space and let him make his own choices but stay strong if he moves out and we start over like he wants to then I have to obstain from sex with him because it just makes being seperated harder for me. I will when I can trust him again I think that is fair for me he will have to understand that much and no more yelling I have to keep repeating no more yelling stop stop stop I also suffer from hypothyroid desease and mild depression


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## TheLoveGuru's (Sep 29, 2008)

Your welcome honey. Everything will be fine. You know what you have to do to get thru this; and you will.


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## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

Again thank you I have never felt so clear, now I just need to stay on track and be strong.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

allaloneinbr said:


> I am really scared to post about my marriage, I do not want to be judged or even worst be in a situation to defend what I am dealing with. I am safe or will this just be another way that I am attacked. Is this a place to find friends and solace.
> I am so alone I do not know where else to turn.


I have posted a lot of things, and I must say that EVERYONE here is OPEN AND HONEST. I have never FELT like I have been attacked or felt like I have to defend myself or my marriage. If I had to say anything about this forum, it would be you can REALLY express yourself here. You do not have to worry about hurting anybody feelings like you would if you spoke to your spouse face to face. This is a good place to get impartial opinions. So feel free to express yourself.:smthumbup:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Why do you feel alone? Do you have friends/family that you spend time with? 

I'm not good with yelling and anger so I can see your husband not wanting to be around you when you get like that. I definitely think learning to communicate calmly when you are frustrated should be on the top of your list of things to work on. 

As far as his social life with other women, that would bug me too. People feel differently when it comes to their spouse and friends of the opposite sex so the most important aspect of this is that he respects how you feel. Yelling won't help but talking to him might if you don't approach it like an attack but more out of your love for him and your own insecure feelings. If the conversation is calm, you might come to a compromise that you both feel comfortable with...maybe you go along when he goes out or whatever balance you need in place so you feel safe/secure within your marriage and he still feels independent (not controlled).


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## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

I am alone because I have no family in the area and all his friends are mine well kinda he rides sport bikes and hangs out with a mix of people some married some not so it is like he is living out both of the lives he wants the married lets get together with my couple friends and the I want to hang out and party with the single friends too. I think it is very selfish of him but I am trying to not place blame anymore I need to work on not yelling and letting fear and insecurity take over, its not even like I am me when I start yelling things I say and my reactions are just not the person I think I am or want to be. So I decided last night to accept the blame for his feelings when I yell and try to not tell him what to do but to ask him based on my feelings about the situations etc. So pray for me, I hope that with control on my part and some give from him, well if he wants too things will work out. I love him more than anything and we both agreed we do not want a divorce so its a start!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

allaloneinbr said:


> I love him more than anything and we both agreed we do not want a divorce so its a start!


This is a huge start. As long as you are both on the same page not wanting divorce, with some compromise and understanding you will get through this. 

I think for you, doing some things you enjoy on your own, meeting new friends will help you gain some independence and get rid of some of that lonely feeling. It might be easier for you to drop the anger if you are less dependent on him.


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## allaloneinbr (Sep 29, 2008)

I know you are right...thank you for the words of encouragement.


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