# Can a marriage survive no physical attraction?



## Sprite

Ok, my dilemma.....I have no physical attraction to my husband at all. I have not had this for many years. Does anyone else have this problem and how can I work through it?

We have been working on getting our marriage back on track for the past couple years, but I have absolutely no desire to be with him sexually. Is this something I can work through? How do I go about doing that? Any ideas suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated.


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## Roger136913

Do you know why are not physical attracted to him????


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## Sprite

I can't honestly say why. I am not sure myself. He has let himself get WAY overweight over the years, but this never bothered me before, he was never small, so I don't know why this bothers me now.


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## Roger136913

My Wife is overweight, but her weight never bothered me, nor will it ever....

I know my Wife said the other day while looking through pictures how she liked me thinner..... I always weighed 168 lbs.... I am 5-11 I am at 209 lbs now....Though it's from eating no doubt, it's also I am limited at time due to back problems...

So with that in mind have you told him the added weight is bothering you?


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## Sprite

Yes, I finally admitted to him that it bothers me. I don't want to hurt his feelings and he is happy with who he is, I don't want to make him feel bad about it. He does know that his weight effects our sex lives...but seems to do nothing about it on a consistant basis. I worry about his health, but he doesn't seem to worry about it.


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## Princemomma

I feel as if I am in the same position. Although there are a lot more mental strain my husband has put me through. But when we are intimate, I have to think about other men to get through it. Maybe trying to find the underlying reason why you feel no attraction to him?


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## Roger136913

My Wife worries about my health and yep i don't. I am a smoker for over 30 years to boot.

I have no life insurance for my wife in case something.. I told her i will be getting some for her. 

I have decided i want to walk a few times each week with the wife.... She said that would be great... Maybe you can do the same??? Maybe he will want to???

I plan on talking and holding hands to make it more fun... If my Wife does not want to thats ok...Walking with her can be just as good...

It sounds like you Love your husband, and it's the weight thats the problem... Show him pics of before and how much you loved him then and want that attraction back... I know his feelings might be hurt,then again it might do a lot of good knowing how you feel when he hears it???

You can teach an Old dog new things... I am going on 44 and I have learned many new ones of late...


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## Sprite

We do say we are going to go for walks, we even attended a dance class for awhile. Sadly finances forced us to quit the dance class. I get upset sometimes that he can't keep up with me. We walk, and I like walking at a faster pace, but his ankle is always hurting him so we end up walking at a snails pace. I slow down to keep pace with him, but I feel like I am not accomplishing anything for myself by doing this(selfish sounding I know). I guess I could go for MY walk when he is at work, and when i walk with him it could just be for leisure.

I have mentioned us joining a gym together, but our finances now wont allow it. I tried talking him into a treadmill for years..but he didnt see how we really needed one. I have even opened up the possibility of us joining weight watchers, but to no availe.
Now, he is going to such extremes that he says he isnt going to eat for a week, and he wants to get rid of the new reclining loveseat we got that we JUST paid off. This is what he does...on a regular basis...he gets tired of being lazy and fat, so he decides to do something about it...it lasts at the MOST a month, then its back to the same old same old, sit on the sofa, eat chips and dip, fall asleep by 8pm...and that is that!

You know the funny thing is that he seems to have been reading my mind yesterday when I first posted this. He was really down on himself for letting himself get so out of shape. So, I spent the better part of the day trying to cheer him up and letting him know that we can do this. We took our puppy for a walk, which was quite a workout for me(I was the one holding her leash), since she is new to the whole walking on a leash thing...lol. BUT, this time he actually asked me for my help in this....WOW, a member of the male species asking for help....lol, I know what my job is now 

Like you, my husband has learned a LOT of new tricks in the past couple years...I guess I am just going to have to help him keep on track with this 

Thanks for everyone's input!


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## Mr B

A marriage can survive no physical attraction but depending on who isn't attracted to whom the marriage could very well end up sexless.

If a woman is not attracted to her husband she can physically still have mercy sex despite low or no sexual desire if she feels that other aspects of the marriage are worth preserving or they have small children.

For a man it is impossible to have intercourse without being aroused due to a lack of physical and sexual attraction. So unless the man is very unselfish and the woman doesn't mind a lack of penetrative sex and instead will take whatever he offers, there will be no sex, mercy or other.


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## sisters359

were you attracted to him at one time? How much--enough that you wanted to initiate sex with him, or enough that you could respond when he initiated? If it is only the latter, I suspect you simply were never really attracted to him physically and this can create a lot of problems if/when you start to want a more fulfilling sex life. I lived without one for a long time but couldn't keep doing it. I don't have any advice, but I do hope you find a way to work through things and that your husband will choose to be healthier for his own sake as well as yours. Good luck.


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## snix11

Mr B said:


> A marriage can survive no physical attraction but depending on who isn't attracted to whom the marriage could very well end up sexless.
> 
> For a man it is impossible to have intercourse without being aroused due to a lack of physical and sexual attraction. So unless the man is very unselfish and the woman doesn't mind a lack of penetrative sex and instead will take whatever he offers, there will be no sex, mercy or other.


I don't see how this can be true 100% of the time. My husband has NO sexual attraction to me, but we would still have sex 3-4x a week. I don't know what he was thinking of, but he never had any trouble getting an erection. 

Now that we don't have sex at all, he doesn't seem to miss it. 

He said in Jan that he can 'take it or leave it' as far as sex was concerned (what a blow to my ego!) and he basically has. 

It would seem that some men CAN have sex without any type of sexual attraction for the woman.


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## Hispetal

Sprite said:


> Yes, I finally admitted to him that it bothers me. I don't want to hurt his feelings and he is happy with who he is, I don't want to make him feel bad about it. He does know that his weight effects our sex lives...but seems to do nothing about it on a consistant basis. I worry about his health, but he doesn't seem to worry about it.


How did he react when you finally admitted it to him? 

I am very much in the same situation with my hubby. He is very overweight and seems less than enthusiastic about any effort to go on a weight loss program. He is probably 100 lbs overweight and is on bp meds ... and continues to drink alcohol quite a bit. Like you, I worry about his health, but he glosses over when I try to have a serious conversation about it. It's as if he's in denial.

I VERY MUCH want to find the right words and the right timing to tell him it's getting in the way (literally and physically!) of having a healthy sexual relationship. Sex is pretty much non-existant and it's mostly because I can't get interested in him. 

As a sidenote: I'd like to lose about 15 lbs and we have a treadmill that I occasionally use - and he just ignores it. I try to encourage healthier meals and he's still into the bacon and sausage breakfasts (which turn my stomach). So ... I'm trying to give a positive influence - but he's not into it.

I really feel for the situation you're in. Private message me sometime if you'd like.


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## Chopblock

The short answer: yes it CAN survive, but it won't be much fun. 

Maybe if neither party cares about physical intimacy, its not an issue, but that is a very very rare case. When one person craves intimacy and the other person doesn't provide it, there will be problems.

For those of you trying to get your spouses to lose weight, odds are you are wasting your breath. See, the problem is not with the "message", but sometimes with the "messenger".

I don't mean to imply that you aren't important, but it is a proven fact that many people do not take advice from their partners, for fear of being controlled.

In my case, it took a major event to get my partner motivated enough to start losing weight. She was invited to a formal event that required a lot of pictures and a lot of face time, and that she wanted to look a lot better than she did.

Once she started losing weight, things improved quite a lot. She felt much better about her self. Sex, which was literally non-existant, returned. It had been years since we had sex twice in the same calendar month, and it was GREAT SEX, not just "lets get this over with so you can stop complaining".

I am not sure how much you (the spouses) can influence this change. In your cases, you might very well be able to come out and say straight up "you've gotten really fat, and its affecting our lives". Men will be hurt, but as problem solvers, may actually receive and act upon the underlying message.

Otherwise, you can try things like talking, showing pictures, mentioning how sexy he looked back then, and how much fun you remember this and that being and how you'd love to do that again and so on so on so on... But losing weight is HARD, especially as one gets older. It just may not be within your control.


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## MrsRutland

Roger136913 said:


> My Wife worries about my health and yep i don't. I am a smoker for over 30 years to boot.
> 
> I have no life insurance for my wife in case something.. I told her i will be getting some for her.
> 
> I have decided i want to walk a few times each week with the wife.... She said that would be great... Maybe you can do the same??? Maybe he will want to???
> 
> I plan on talking and holding hands to make it more fun... If my Wife does not want to thats ok...Walking with her can be just as good...
> 
> It sounds like you Love your husband, and it's the weight thats the problem... Show him pics of before and how much you loved him then and want that attraction back... I know his feelings might be hurt,then again it might do a lot of good knowing how you feel when he hears it???
> 
> You can teach an Old dog new things... I am going on 44 and I have learned many new ones of late...


Can I ask this poster if your wife said look you've gained a bit of weight and its getting in the way of our sex life would you try and lose a bit of weight? I know I would but I'm a woman and for example if their were 2 hairstyles I liked one and not the other and my husband said he wanted me to have the one I didn't like I'd probably go with what he liked not the one I liked because I want to look good for him that may be a bit odd to some girls but there you go. I was just wondering for curiousity


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## dixie

I am in the same boat as you Sprite. I have NO physical attraction to my husband at all. I let him has sex with me which is yucky and only lasts about a minute, (I posted about this in the sex in marriage area).
He was really overweight but when he lost the weight the attraction did not come back. I can't even bring myself to really kiss him. Sometimes I have dreams that I am making love or kissing and am turned on but then I wake up and realize that it has been years since I have felt even close to those feelings. It is sad.(to wake up). We have only been married 5 years. Our anniversary was two days ago. We didn't even bother to have sex. I was relieved, sad to say. I long for a close relationship and am so sad that I don't have one.


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## Conflicted

I too got quite overweight over time (308lbs) and then i saw a photo of myself and then i only realized how fat i became. I used to be very fit and active, but work was an excuse to not get the training that my body requires. I started to cut out fries from meals and less sugar which resulted in me losing 22lbs, i then started a strict diet and lost another 55lbs and now i am on 231lbs (6'3"). Nobody would've been able to persuade me to do it other than me. It is a choice that the person must take himself and follow through. I knew i had to get in better shape for my own quality of life.


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## mumof2

I lost 85lbs just by a good diet and exercise. it can be done and I had been overweight all my adult life and have kept the weight off for 7 years now. Ironically when I lost weight my husband started to take less care of himself and put on weight,

You ask if you can survive without physical attraction, and all I can say from experience is that when my husband put on weight it was more his lack of motivation that made him unattractive. Does this make sense. 

All this is slightly wasted now as he wants to separate now anyway!!!


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## XiaSulin

I think it can survive if you're not physically attracted to him if you love his mind. I think that's just me though. I mean there are some people who I have loved who are visually unappealing but their insides(personality) are so beautiful. And (I don't know if physical attraction is the same as sexual attraction in this scenario) but I love my husband physically and mentally but not in a lusty way. I think it's the mental qualities I value, so if you like his mental qualities before looks I think it could work unless you feel like you have to feel like he is physically attractive.


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## Rambojam

dixie said:


> I am in the same boat as you Sprite. I have NO physical attraction to my husband at all. I let him has sex with me which is yucky and only lasts about a minute, (I posted about this in the sex in marriage area).
> He was really overweight but when he lost the weight the attraction did not come back. I can't even bring myself to really kiss him. Sometimes I have dreams that I am making love or kissing and am turned on but then I wake up and realize that it has been years since I have felt even close to those feelings. It is sad.(to wake up). We have only been married 5 years. Our anniversary was two days ago. We didn't even bother to have sex. I was relieved, sad to say. I long for a close relationship and am so sad that I don't have one.


I too am in the same boat as Sprite and Dixie. I've been married for 7 years and have always had doubts at whether I'm physically attracted to my husband or not. We are both Christians and when we got married I believed it was from God but slowly things have detoriated over the years, He's never done anything to hurt me and I've never cheated on him either but I can't help but wonder.. is this it?? Is this the way it should be? We have a beautiful daughter and as a mother I'll do anything to protect her but I'm not sure if we'd have have survived these 7 years without her. I'm so sad about this but I don't know what to do (if anything). I wish I had an answer to both Sprite and Dixie but I'm in the same boat. 

I hope someone is out there who can help us. X


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## jonas27

I feel the same and I have only been married ten months. My husband has gained a lot of weight, I have to tell him to shower and shave, which is a struggle to get him to do that. I know he hardly brushes his teeth which makes kissing nauseating to me. I am turned off by his smell and the thought of him on top of me is not something I want. I have no idea what to do. I would love the intimacy of a sexual relationship- but not with him YIKES


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## anonmom

I am in the exact same place. When our relationship first began it was great. Then about 4 months into it, I just didn't care if we even kissed. Ever since the beginning he has been putting on weight like crazy, and I have been on and off anti-depressants. I always thought it was the anti-depressants until one late night I was watching a "soft-porn" type movie and I was so incredibly aroused. Then I realized that when we do have sex, I close my eyes and struggle to imagine some one else, no one in particular, just anything I can think of to turn me on. He is horny all the time. I wear a low cut shirt and he hounds me. I think that me be part of it, he is not at all hard to get. Also his weight. But I also feel a lose of emotional connection between us. 


It is SO good to hear that I am not the only one in the world with this problem. I have no idea what to do either. We are starting counseling, but I have a very strong feeling it won't work. He says he is going to try to lose weight, but he has been saying that for over a year. He knows I might be more interested that way, yet he still does nothing. Somehow he thinks a few romantic dinners will fix everything. I thought long and hard about if I caould stay with no sex. Honestly I can't. I told my husband this. I thought about my past relationships and that what kind of person I am when it comes to sex, and I think staying with him would lead me to look elsewhere, which is a horrible thing to think.
Let me know how your situation is going, it really does sound so familar! Good Luck!


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## candygirl29

Princemomma said:


> I feel as if I am in the same position. Although there are a lot more mental strain my husband has put me through. But when we are intimate, I have to think about other men to get through it. Maybe trying to find the underlying reason why you feel no attraction to him?


I agree. I've been married 17 years and I had to think about other men just to stay faithful to my husband. Its the secret to success! IMAGINATION can save your marriage.:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Runs like Dog

Sure it can. In fact I've been married for >30 years & I doubt my wife and I even speak 50 words to one another a day, let alone touch. At this point even pretending to be attracted to one another would ring false and awkward and clumsy. I think we're just waiting to see who dies first.


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## 20matc11

Not sure if this is off topic to put this here but based on some reply perhaps not. Married three years...sex before marriage and the first year was great. Stress from both our jobs slowed it somewhat but apparently she got tired of curbing her frustration and had an affair that went from emotional to physical, while she would often slap my hand away and tell me she was tired if I tried to initiate. 
She told me not really because she felt guilty but because she wanted to use the trump card to end all trump cards during an argument. (in may of 2010) 
Anyway, about a month after she told me, things had improved and I thought the sex was getting better for her as she seemed satisfied more often, and I thought she stopped flirting with the OM, then in October of last year I found she sent another picture of her in her underwear to this guy and honestly I havent had any sexual attraction to her since then. I have tried and we have talked about it, but Im not sure if it will come back after all that has happened.


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## Mrs.G

Roger136913 said:


> My Wife worries about my health and yep i don't. I am a smoker for over 30 years to boot.
> 
> I have no life insurance for my wife in case something.. I told her i will be getting some for her.
> 
> I have decided i want to walk a few times each week with the wife.... She said that would be great... Maybe you can do the same??? Maybe he will want to???
> 
> I plan on talking and holding hands to make it more fun... If my Wife does not want to thats ok...Walking with her can be just as good...
> 
> It sounds like you Love your husband, and it's the weight thats the problem... Show him pics of before and how much you loved him then and want that attraction back... I know his feelings might be hurt,then again it might do a lot of good knowing how you feel when he hears it???
> 
> You can teach an Old dog new things... I am going on 44 and I have learned many new ones of late...


44 isn't old!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G

jonas27 said:


> I feel the same and I have only been married ten months. My husband has gained a lot of weight, I have to tell him to shower and shave, which is a struggle to get him to do that. I know he hardly brushes his teeth which makes kissing nauseating to me. I am turned off by his smell and the thought of him on top of me is not something I want. I have no idea what to do. I would love the intimacy of a sexual relationship- but not with him YIKES


I suggest having a serious talk with him about his hygeine. When that has improved, you can buy healthier foods as well as insisting that you do something active at least once a week. Tell your husband that unless he takes care of his body, being physical with him is impossible.
So sorry that your husband does not like to keep himself clean. That should NOT be an issue, as he is a grown man! Could he possibly be depressed about something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## janet82

I use to be on the same boat with some of you. I once heard my husband speaking in the dream about he really missed my shape before the marriage. I was really upset, but I then decided to work out. It's not easy to keep it on, but I somehow managed to do it. Now I'm almost back to the shape I use to be and my husband turns on more often now.


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## Rnewton

heyyy sry 2 interrupt i dont kno if urs could survive mine isnt doing so well and thats jus one of many problems....but could u guys check out my thread its i just need help....something lol i rly need some good advice im so stuck and lost and feel like im dieing!!!


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## ku1980rose

anonmom said:


> I am in the exact same place. When our relationship first began it was great. Then about 4 months into it, I just didn't care if we even kissed. Ever since the beginning he has been putting on weight like crazy, and I have been on and off anti-depressants. I always thought it was the anti-depressants until one late night I was watching a "soft-porn" type movie and I was so incredibly aroused. Then I realized that when we do have sex, I close my eyes and struggle to imagine some one else, no one in particular, just anything I can think of to turn me on. He is horny all the time. I wear a low cut shirt and he hounds me. I think that me be part of it, he is not at all hard to get. Also his weight. But I also feel a lose of emotional connection between us.
> 
> 
> It is SO good to hear that I am not the only one in the world with this problem. I have no idea what to do either. We are starting counseling, but I have a very strong feeling it won't work. He says he is going to try to lose weight, but he has been saying that for over a year. He knows I might be more interested that way, yet he still does nothing. Somehow he thinks a few romantic dinners will fix everything. I thought long and hard about if I caould stay with no sex. Honestly I can't. I told my husband this. I thought about my past relationships and that what kind of person I am when it comes to sex, and I think staying with him would lead me to look elsewhere, which is a horrible thing to think.
> Let me know how your situation is going, it really does sound so familar! Good Luck!


I totally feel for ANONMOM and DIXIE and other posters. I have been married 8 months and these posts sound like my posts. We have had sex 3 times since getting married and only 1 of those was on our honeymoon. Since we married, I have to initiate, or it is nothing. So, I quit initiating. I lost all my attraction to my H. I never did think he was super good looking, but I was attracted to him because of who he was to me. And when he initiated, I could become aroused at the idea of sex. We even had some good sex for a while. After we got married, though, he quit. Then I found him looking at porn. It was a blow to me when he wouldn't be with me, but would look at porn. He never turned me down when I initiated, but I don't initiate often. I know from past relationships, the man needs to initiate for me because I don't feel aroused, but he can make me feel aroused. However, at this point, I feel the loss of a sex life....but I don't have any desire for him to touch me anymore. He let it go too long. We don't touch at all. He moved out of our bedroom. I don't have "mercy" sex either. Maybe if I was attracted to him I would want to have sex with him despite being angry or upset or disappointed in him, but there is no physical attraction. What do I do now??


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## AvaTara539

It is soooooo common for women to have issues with sexual attraction and desire! If you know you're in love with your husband but not feeling turned on I would take a good look at your hormones and if they are fine and it's not a physiological problem, consult a therapist to discuss it. If, however, the problem is more emotional (as is the current situation with me- brand spanking newlywed and do not want to have sex with my husband at all because of how his personality has altered since we got hitched), then maybe you both can talk to someone together, or at least talk to each other in more depth about what's been bothering you.


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## flighty

I am in the same boat. I was attracted to my now husband, but as soon as we had sex, I realized it would never be good. 

I thought I could "put up" with it. I am now at my sexual peak and I feel like I am trapped.

I know he will not get any better - I have tried. I am also no longer attracted to him. He has many problems like rotted teeth, sweaty hands, and is overweight.


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## SecondSkin

Runs like Dog said:


> Sure it can. In fact I've been married for >30 years & I doubt my wife and I even speak 50 words to one another a day, let alone touch. At this point even pretending to be attracted to one another would ring false and awkward and clumsy. I think we're just waiting to see who dies first.


This makes me so sad! WHY are you doing this to yourselves? Split up FFS!!


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## Dulciean

These posts bring up strong feelings for me. My hubby is also quite overweight and I worry about the associated health issues. My own weight has gone up and down dramatically over the last few years. If I am brutally honest with myself my hubby is more ' hands on' when I am 10 kilos lighter, and have more definition in my body. I also prefer him a bit lighter. It seems important to respect each others need for physical attraction! But is something I struggle with.


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