# why she got angry



## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

yesterday, me and my wife went to our friends birthday party.
there, we met a lady-unmarried up to now- who is our friend, she is my best friend exactly as i know her since we were child. to describe her, she is 34 year old lady with pleasant personality and intelligent one. she was in the same class-college with my wife and she was the best student in the class as my wife the second.

on the party, me and the lady talked about many things and probably around 45 minutes while my wife was with their friends. she just came back from overseas for a year. last time i met her was in august last year. after having talked with her, my wife whispered to me that she was uncomfortable if i talked to her much and she didn't like it. i kept calm and when we were at home, i explained to her that we just talked in normal way and we are best friend for since long time ago. she responded that i spent to much time talking to her during the party and she didn't like it.

i asked her why she felt odd when we were talking and i did ask her to join to the conversation but she just pop-up and went to other group talk. i told her that i don't understand why she felt like this.

then she gave all out that she knew that when we were separated, me and the lady had several times going together but we did nothing far.

she allowed me to cheat on her as the consequence of her act but i won't. then when i talked to my friend she became irritated. i dont have a clue on this.

any opinion here..?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Women are jealous creatures, don't you know that? 

If she sees somebody more beautiful than her or more intelligent than her, she won't like her. 

You dared talking to her in front of your wife? And you expect you wife not to get angry? 

Another case assures me that a married man shouldn't be friends with another woman. 

If you don't want your life to be complicated, just stay away from that woman. Only by this way, you will give your wife peace.............


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Your wife feels threatened by your friendship with this other woman. Whether you think she has cause to feel that way or not, she does feel that way. And in truth, reading what you say, I'm not entirely sure I could blame her. You talk about this other woman in a very admiring way, and at least once that I see, you compare her to your wife and find your wife lacking. That's not going to make your wife feel any better. 

As a general rule, I believe it's fine for people to have opposite sex friends. My boyfriend and I both do, and in fact, have dated some of those friends in the past. But there are times when those friendships become a problem, and it sounds like that's the point this friendship is at. 

You need to ask yourself which woman is more important: your wife, the woman you claim to love and want to spend the rest of your life with, or your friend, whom you've known for a long time but don't have a commitment with?


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

well .. thanks everyone for the respond

i rediscussed this with my wife and seemed she was still angry, i told her that i don't like her act against me and emphasized that me and the lady are just friend. there is no way to confront me if i talk to her as i did not do something flirty just talk in normal way.

i told her that if she did not like we speak alone then i asked her to join us in the conversation so she will know that me and the lady have no hit to each other. and she replied that she will be ok for this and apologized to me for being overreact.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

lobokies

Achieving a happy marriage is not easy, it needs a lot of trust and sacrifice.

Your wife already views that friend of yours a competitor. She won't enjoy talking to her. Ask your wife that. 

Want you to have a happy marriage.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

thanks green.

i really love my wife. to be honest, during our divorce/separation, i admit that there was a thought on my mind to find another lady who could make me happy then i thought that if i marry again to a woman then she did the same ****t as my wife did, i will be a jumper-man, marry-divorce-marry and divorce again so i decided not to marry another woman. but this does not mean that i will allow my wife to repeat the cheating on me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Lobokies

I am very glad that you think like this. 

The grass on the other side is not greener, it is still grass. 

Today, you are a man, you are stuck with a woman. We all have different problems, this woman has this problem, that woman has that problem, only the problems are different. 

If we realize this, then we try harder to work out our marriages. 

Our wedding day is the start of our marriage, never ever take each other for granted, it needs a lot of sacrifice to build up a happy marriage. 

You love your wife. It also tells me that your wife cares a lot about you by being jealous of that friend. If she doesn't care about you, then she won't be bothered. I am a woman, this is our personality. 

Please work hard on your marriage and make us another happy marriage on this earth. 

I want more people to be happy!!!!!


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

thanks again green ..

i talked to her again today and she told me that she doesn't like me to talk with my friend too long. she didn't want that because she is not comfortable and said that she wants me to behave properly when talking to other woman. 

WTF. she cheated on me then she hates my behaviour talking to other woman even in normal way. how very selfish. i wonder.. is woman more selfish than a man..


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

things getting worse...

the lady parents told me this morning that my wife that yesterday
came to their house afterwork to have a talk with her.

it was not a good talk as they heard a high tone was raised.
i know maybe she confronted her. i hate this ....

what do i do now..


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

earlier this AM ... i talked to her why did she conffront my friend... she said because she didn't like her. then i told her that she was not supposed to do that inappropriate act. then she got mad and told me that she has a right to confront her becauuse of i am her husband. i told her that she has no right for it and i said that i could do what i want even if i would cheat with my friend it is not her business ... then she replied "just do it with the *****". i then got really angry and i told her that "you are the ***** not her". she was sad and cried and i left her to work. later she called my phone and i didn't pick up and she texted me that she was really sorry for this. i texted back long after that and said it was a bad decision to reconcile with her and i regret why i decided to get back with her and in just few days of thinking because my mind was disturbed to take her back only within 4 days then decided it.

did i do the bad things to her. i am really mad and feel my anger to her.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Women are jealous creatures, don't you know that?


I wish you would stop categorizing all women as if you know. Not all women are jealous creatures. It is bad enough to hear a bunch of men spout that they know what all women feel.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Once again atruckersgirl is on target, IMO.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

From my point of view, I guess that because your wife cheated on you in the past ,then, she knows very clearly where danger lurks, maybe that's where she started her cheating. that's why she feels threatened?
cheaters don't have security feeling inside themselves.


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## nolongerlonely (Oct 20, 2010)

It's really quite simple. Your wife feels threatened, and maybe has low self esteem issues. 

I recommend reading up on how to salvage the relationship before it turns sour. This helped me out alot when my boyfriend and I broke up after dealing with issues of jealousy:

Magic Of Making Up | How To Get Your Ex Back | Relationship Advice | Break Up Advice

All the best to you! :smthumbup:


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

so .. its been several day since the last update. i told her not to live in my house a week ago and she went to her house. i am still angry at her, last night she called me and said that she will allow me to continue talking with my friend and she already accept if i will go too far with my ffriend as she considers that is the consequenceis of her infidelity. 

i told her that i am not similar to her. and slammed her with my words "I AM NOT A BAD GUY, I AM NOT LIKE YOU WHO SPREADED LEGS TO OTHER PERSON, **** YOU".

she shutted the phone and rang me back 8 times but i didn't pick up and this morning she texted me, saying that she loves me so much and she will do anything i want even if she has to killed herself for me.

hmmm ... weird person i think.


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## utterlyblue (Oct 23, 2010)

Hi there,

I'm sure you're aware of it, but you're still hurting because she cheated on you. I've been cheated on once, and it sucked.

I had this long distance friendship (like different hemispheres) that became a love relationship. We lived together for 1.5 years until she had to go back to her country. We kept the relationship. I was going there 6 months later to be with her and find work, I wanted to move there and get on with our lives. A month before I go I get this email from a guy she had been seeing... with nude pictures and everything else. It sucked a**.

I decided I couldn't handle that, and she had done some sketchy stuff before, so I felt like I couldn't trust her. But we weren't married, and this long distance thing made it much harder.

But she felt so bad about it she obsessed about me. She did a lot of crazy stuff... got really messed up. She even went after me when I was on a trip to europe. But I really think it had a lot more to do with the pain her guilt caused her than her love for me.

So, my point is, your wife will always feel bad for this. That guilt in itself will set her straight, in my opinion. You gave her a second go at it, so now let it be.

If you decide to, give her a new vow of trust and relax. If she breaks it again you might decide to let her go and that's it. That makes things clear in your head and in my opinion is liberating.

That's how I try to approach relationships, I trust people until the prove me wrong. So I don't have to suffer, worry and try to control anyone. If they do screw up, it's on them.

I think giving people a second chance is honorable, especially someone you love and you're married to. So just set your boundaries. 

I understand her jealousy. But feeling jealous is one thing acting out on it is different. I also understand your feeling of unfairness, since you weren't even cheating on her. But since you gave her a second chance, maybe try approaching things in a different manner: treat her the way you want to be treated. Maybe you'd feel a little jealous too if she spent 40 minutes talking to a guy friend by themselves. 

I think going there and talking to your friend was out of line, and I think it's good that you made that clear.

Be well, and take it easy!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her you want her to start going to personal therapy to work on her self esteem and jealousy (and cheating) issues. Maybe, then, you'll take her back. Maybe in 6 months after 6 months of therapy.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> so .. its been several day since the last update. i told her not to live in my house a week ago and she went to her house. i am still angry at her, last night she called me and said that she will allow me to continue talking with my friend and she already accept if i will go too far with my ffriend as she considers that is the consequenceis of her infidelity.
> 
> i told her that i am not similar to her. and slammed her with my words "I AM NOT A BAD GUY, I AM NOT LIKE YOU WHO SPREADED LEGS TO OTHER PERSON, **** YOU".
> 
> ...


lobokies lobokies lobokies

Sigh....what should I say to you?

Look! You have taken your wife back without forgiving her wrong doing in the past. You have carried an unpredictable bomb to rekindle with her. Now the bomb went off & ruined everything in utter devastation...

No offence, but your words were mean & wrong. She didn't spread her leg for other men ever since her mistakes, you know it very clearly, she wasn't not that evil woman many years ago otherwise you wouldn't consider take her back with you.

It's very insulting to her for you to shoot out all these terrible words & for you to spread salt on her unhealed wounds.

In short, you have no respect for this woman. You actually hate her to the bone.

You know everything, don't you? But you did it because of your resentment. You know she's jealous simply because she just got you back with a brand new hope, toghether with many insecurities & low self esteem problems due to the feelings her guilt.

She's jealous because she loves you madly, truely & deeply.

Why couldn't you stay cool & reasonable when she's unreasonable?

If I were you, I would say "Honey, I love you, please don't you worry! I won't talk to her for too long next time, it's not a big deal for me. She's not important at all. I need you to trust me!"

Then I would hug her & make love to her and make her O 3 times.

I would simply put her mind in peace. 

The most important thing is the new born relationship, it requires a bit more kindness, a bit more love, a bit more joy to nourish it for a healthy growth.

You have given her hope in the beginning but pain & insecurity for the rest of her life. I feel terribly sorry for her. No for you, if you can't gurantee her a happy future, why did you take her back and made her life even more miserable?

Please give it a consideration- apologise to her, not for being perfect right to talk to any woman as a friend (no problem in this part) but for insulting the woman you truely love & for hurting her so deeply.

Yes, you're right women should defend women. She's so poor. All her world revolve around you! Low self esteem, low confidences & low in everything & begging you with her head sticking to the ground. Now you're happy?


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Tell her you want her to start going to personal therapy to work on her self esteem and jealousy (and cheating) issues. Maybe, then, you'll take her back. Maybe in 6 months after 6 months of therapy.


sounds good ... but not sure to tell her


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

utterlyblue said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm sure you're aware of it, but you're still hurting because she cheated on you. I've been cheated on once, and it sucked.
> 
> ...


thanks for the advice...


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> lobokies lobokies lobokies
> 
> Sigh....what should I say to you?
> 
> ...


again Ms. i see your excuse and defending women. why should i apologize, i talked to my friend in front of her and i asked her to join us, she is our best friend. i never intend to make her jealous because it's just wasting my time. it is better for me to go sleep with OW then try to make my wife feel jealous.

i am not happy, but i just teach her how to act properly in this situation.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> again Ms. i see your excuse and defending women. why should i apologize, i talked to my friend in front of her and i asked her to join us, she is our best friend. i never intend to make her jealous because it's just wasting my time. it is better for me to go sleep with OW then try to make my wife feel jealous.
> 
> i am not happy, but i just teach her how to act properly in this situation.


I didn't say you should apologize for that reason. Can you read my post carefully?

You've carried your resentment to rekindle your wife. When you're getting mad with her, you insulted her & made her feel herself worth nothing. That's something you should apologize for.

And you don't teach any woman by insulting her and by making her head stick to the ground to beg for your love. That's not teaching!

You need a wife, you don't need a pet.

If you don't apologize for insulting your wife. I feel sorry for her because her world is revolving around you. There's nothing I can help, it's her fault to fall in love with a man who has no respect for her. You take her back for loving her, protecting her & comforting her or for insulting her & making her life even more miserable because of you?

Are you sure you are Christian? That really makes me wonder what your church has taught you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Lobokies, sometimes it helps to think in “opposites”.

Your wife tells you she loves you. Would you rather your wife tells you she loves another man? Which do you like the best?

Your wife tells you she wants to get back with you. Your wife tells you she doesn’t want to get back with you. Which one do you like the best?

Your wife tells you she’s sorry for what she did. Your wife tells you she’s not sorry for what she did. Which one do you like the best?

Your wife tells you she didn’t go with another man in all the time you were separated. Your wife tells you she went with other men when you were separated. Which one do you like the best?

I guess you get the idea. For my mind you should never have invited your wife back into your life if you are incapable of forgiving her. It sounds like you invited your wife back into your life in order to punish her. There’s only extreme sadness for the two of you if that is indeed the case.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Here's another perspective for you. You are standing by your wife's grave. What do you say to her?

Bob


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

"I AM NOT A BAD GUY, I AM NOT LIKE YOU WHO SPREADED LEGS TO OTHER PERSON, **** YOU"

What kind of man in hell would say this kind of words to hurt his woman? 

There's no respect!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I guess you get the idea. For my mind you should never have invited your wife back into your life if you are incapable of forgiving her. It sounds like you invited your wife back into your life in order to punish her. There’s only extreme sadness for the two of you if that is indeed the case.
> 
> Bob



Yes, if you can't gurantee a happy future for this woman, please don't take her back to let her have hope & joy for a while but living in the guilt with low selfe-steem for the rest of her life.

You used her love & hope to punish her. 

Maybe you should get married with this girl instead since you care about her feelings more than your wife's.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> again Ms. i see your excuse and defending women. why should i apologize, i talked to my friend in front of her and i asked her to join us, she is our best friend. i never intend to make her jealous because it's just wasting my time. it is better for me to go sleep with OW then try to make my wife feel jealous.
> 
> i am not happy, but i just teach her how to act properly in this situation.


I understand that you didn't intend to make her jealous but she's very insecure, which is true, so she already took action to protect her happiness that she painstakingly prayed to God for many years that finally return - you

She's very afriad of anyone who appears more attractive & confident than her to steal you. She has low self-esteem, which is also true.

So it's pretty much like talking to a very anxious person, don't be anxious. Tell an alcoholic, don't drink alcohol. So you have told a jealous woman, don't be jealous & act properly.


I wish you could give her a warm shoulder, a safe harbor, a lots of kisses & hugs. Those loving validations are much better response to make her feel more confidence & secure.

When she's confident in herself, she won't go to confront any of your (girl) friends & bring them unnecessary disturbances & inconveniences.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> So it's pretty much like talking to a very anxious person, don't be anxious. Tell an alcoholic, don't drink alcohol. So you have told a jealous woman, don't be jealous & act properly.


i agree with this ... i take this one very much.
but a weird thing for me ... why she told me that she will allow me to talk to my friend and she already prepares for the worst case scenario if me and this lady go too far(affair) as the consequencies of her cheat in the past. she keeps thinking i will cheat or leave her. i don't like her thinking negative on me. this is why i got big mad on her


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

Bob and Ms...

thank you for your thoughts ...

you know, i took her back because love her. well i know, i had so much resentment in the past for her affair and how she ruined our marriage. but i never think to punish her when we get back.

taking her back with punishment purpose means nothing in my life and just wasting my time. 

i did punish her for 3 years divorce/separation, when i would to continue the punishment ... i think i should have not taken her back.

she is the only lady i love in my life. but when we get back together, her trust for me is different from the past, she does not trus me completely, i never did any trust betrayal to her ... so why she mistrusts me. 

i don't like her thinking that i will cheat or betray her.

when i slammed her with my nasty words on the phone .. it was because i feel she considered that i will cheat on her .. she has disrepected me on this. she disrespected me and i reacted on the other way around.

i know i had make mistake by not minimiziing this trouble and lengthen this "party incident" until now. i agree with Ms. that i should be the one who could make her comfortable, secure and happy. but she has to do the same to me. how could i be happy, comfortable if she acts like this.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

*No offence, but your words were mean & wrong. She didn't spread her leg for other men ever since her mistakes, you know it very clearly, she wasn't not that evil woman many years ago otherwise you wouldn't consider take her back with you.*

Ms. Cheating is not a mistake ... it is a decision. remember when we debated on Dow's thread. you consider Dow's wife raped because she was affected by alcohol. fine

then on my wife case, she did cheat by going to the ****ing OM 
frequently. is this mistake or decision. no alcohol affection and she was aware that this is wrong. why she kept doing that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The thing is, you will get NOTHING you want by yelling and disrespecting her. Even if she has done something, that doesn't make it right for YOU to do it, too. Got it? 

If you want this to work, vow to take the high road. That means, you make a promise to yourself AND to her that you will always treat her with respect, consider her feelings, and do things that HELP the marriage, not HARM it.

And ask her to do the same.

As for your issues, tell her that her insecurity is driving a wedge in your marriage, and you need her to get help for it, if you are going to stay together. Ask her to go. Tell her that if she refuses, you don't know if you will be able to stay with her. Then step back and let her make her own decisions.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> *No offence, but your words were mean & wrong. She didn't spread her leg for other men ever since her mistakes, you know it very clearly, she wasn't not that evil woman many years ago otherwise you wouldn't consider take her back with you.*
> 
> Ms. Cheating is not a mistake ... it is a decision. remember when we debated on Dow's thread. you consider Dow's wife raped because she was affected by alcohol. fine
> 
> ...


I'm sorry this has happened on you. Your wife accidentally got to know this guy & he kept bothering her, saying sweet words, offering her affection & compliments, and constantly begging. This guy had a hold on her & he knew her weak spot. It's enough he learnt how to control her weakness, he could seduce her successfully. (He died already, so you don't need to kill him.)
There're many men who are terribly good at courting & begging women because they know how to make women believe in their sweat talks. I guess your wife lacked of experiences making boyfriends when she's young. She must be a good girl. I guess.
Anyway, women overall are emotional creatures & we need lots of loving talks for validations.
As for me, I was a much more playful girl and I have experiences.
So this kind of playboys I already know their tricks very well. 
Of course it was her choice. Is it possible she had a need that you missed to meet but her OM did?
What validations that she lacked?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

There's something about her you didn't know very well until now, you still have no clues why she would cheat, which has grown up bitterness. so my idea is you need sometime to figure out what were the reasons behind made her go astray. What kind of charms that this guy offered to attract her? You will need to make your communication with your wife deeper on her emotion past without losing your control again. 
However, I'm sure she's now very scared that you abandon her again, so she would reply you carefully.
Also it's long time ago, it's a wound that she would hate to touch or even look at it.
The best idea, find a therapy! The therapy knows how to talk to your wife and make her come clean all in details, so you can get your confusion cleared.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

she told me that .. nothng is missing from me.
she hated it so much for cheating.

if something is missing from me ... she will tell.

Oh, by the way. today, i took a leave and she knew it. when i was home, she came to my house. i told her, not to come for this moment until our problem is clear. we were civil today and when she initiated to kiss me, i responded her kiss and ending with sex. but i told her that we still need to separate for another week and we will try to work on our issue. she agreed to go counselling separately. so we will have counselling individually.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I totally get why you lashed out in anger, doesn't make it right but I get it.

Your wife tried to equate you speaking to a lifelong friend, who is also her friend, to her sustained period of cheating on you.

There is no equating such a thing. It was insulting and trivialized what she did.

Should you have held your tongue and counted to 10? 100? 10,000?

Yes.

You should apologize for saying something hurtful to her.

But what should she do?

That is the question.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

i have apologized to her for that nasty words...

now we're going to IC.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

lobokies said:


> i have apologized to her for that nasty words...
> 
> now we're going to IC.


Happy for you both!


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