# hurt and confused



## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

I am truly new to all this and will listen to all advice and consider it...After 40 years of marriage I found out that my wife had an affair.. It had not ended in her mind untill I found out last week but I do now believe it is over ...She works with the OM as of now.. I truly hate to end a 40 year marriage but some days I think I love her but most of the time I hate her...We are to start counciling this week..My problem is I think I can stay married but I dont know if I could ever get back into bed with her again...I know that sound strange coming from a man but the last 7 monthes that the affair has been going on has been the best of our lives together sexual and otherwise....What di I do...Thank you all


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Usually there is something that the cheated on partner could have / should have been doing all along for their partner. It sounds like something from the affair was meeting some unmet need in her.

This is not to say that she was justified in cheating on you, just that it is possible to have an even better relationship after the affair is discovered than before it. Their may well be a silver lining in these dark clouds.

Go into counseling with an open mind.

And no it's not easy.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

Believe me I know I am not a perfect husband...I did tell her every day that I loved her and never forgot a occasion..I am sure there is something I could have done different..I think all people no matter how many years they have together get to comfortable...All I know is the 7 months this affair went on was the happiest or at least seemed to be the happiest time in our life...Fro sex to talking to going out together... We will work thru it and see what happens.......


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

40 years is a very long time and I'm sorry you are hurting like this. Has she given you any indication of what she turned out side the marriage to find? She will probably be very hesitant to do so--because she knows it will likely hurt you as much as the affair itself did. But if she can't tell you, then you have no way to address the deeper issue, what she went looking to find.

How well do you handle negative feedback from her? Can she trust you if you tell her that no matter what she says, you will still try to work on the marriage? She may need to hear that. 

She may have been keeping something from you for 40 years--tell her you understand that. Be prepared, though, to follow through on hearing without attacking her or whatever. Imagine if she tells you that she's hated the way you kiss or make love for 40 years; how will you react? It may not be anything like that, but imagine the most painful thing she could say to you and figure out what you will do when you hear it. Then prepare to hear something you can't even imagine her saying (hard, I know!) and play your reaction accordingly. You will have to get to the root of it, but once you do, then you can make progress if you both choose to try.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

I can handle anything said to me ...Of all the things you mentioned they could have been addressed at any time ...Like I said I have faults but cant change if I dont know....


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