# How to get OM out of mine and her mind



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

We have been doing much better after four months since EA discovery. One of the main issues left is that every so often the thought of the OM (physical touch, etc.) raises its ugly head in my mind and I believe in her mind too. How do you cope with these kind of thoughts.

Thanks,
M.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Force them out as soon as they pop up. I letterally say "stop that" then I take my thought to how she loves me now... she kisses me, makes love to me and is home for me.

Basicaly I replace the thinking about the past with the positive things my wife is doing for me now. In addition I will think about a brighter future with her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

One more thing, think about the sex you will have with W, what you will do and how you will do it. That will replace those thouht of OM and most any thing else you were thinking about'-)


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Those kinds of thoughts pop into my head from time to time as well. I just force them out and think about how much my wife loves me and how we have worked so hard to get our relationship back on track.
It's been 1.5 years and those thoughts come less and less.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I work on my hobbies. Maybe you should consider a new one?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You have no control over what happens in someone else's mind, but you do have control over your's. The more you focus on something, the more you cement the connections in your brain which carry this information. You are training your brain every day to either think positively of your wife or to think negatively about her, actually changing your brain structure. When you have one of these poison thoughts, just stop, and make yourself think about something positive about your wife instead. DanF's plan is a good one.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Everytime they pop in, do something together that reestablishes connection between you. A text, a call, email, a kiss. You can reprogram yourself over time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I told my wife, I'd be bring this crap up a dozen times a day. Talk about push away....


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

plastic899 said:


> Tell her about them. They're her fault, and she needs to take full ownership of them.


I did tell her. "Get help!," she said.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thats meesed up. My W said sorry...
I believe the wayward spouse will never take "ownership" for our pain. They will spend the rest of there life knowing they commited adultary..... some will justify it ..... most will do there best to forget... but the loyal spouse will have the burden to stuggle with forgiveness. And how we do that really depends on our spouses.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You can try to replace or think about something else, or you can train your brain and you can screw your W brains off but there's a side effect.
The more you tried to CONTROL and COMMEND yourself forcefully, the harder will bounce back to you in the future. To be more natural, things should fade away by themselves naturally. Believe it or not, I have been trying to remove my OM from my mind by replacing his image with my husband,(pls refer to my posts and my hard work) I also tried to F my husband more often. Result? It only worked for the first 2 months. Now the OM is here 24 hours in my mind and also in my dreams! I'm very suffering and controlling myself not to contact him. So the only thing I have realised is- I can't lie to my heart... The fact was my heart didn't want to let him go, even my brain understood it a right thing to do for my marriage. Now? Things only get worst. I don't want to have sex with my husband at all, already one month I have been MBing with the OM on my mind.
Anyway, it's just my bad experiences. Maybe you won't experience what happened to me, the side effect. Just want to tell you when you force yourself, there's a side-effect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

It's really difficult. I think my OH probably think the same way as Miss Lonely and the question I am left with is do I stay with her knowing that for the forseable future that's how it's going to be and that it's just best to get on with life. (BTW we have both tried to get the spark back but it simply hasn't happend - theres a lot of love left but pretty much no sex desire - she says it's guilt etc - who knows). Also I had an EA 4 years ago and it was 12-18 months before I stopped thinking about the OW in a sexual way. I know there are many positive things on this site but I am begining to feel like it may be better to look to the future without my OH and let her find someone that she loves in that way - life is way too short and although I love her very much, the idea that she thinks about her OM pretty much ends it for me. I know this is hypocritical as I was in the same boat but did not have sex with the OW. One other point I do think it takes years to get over it but anyone would require a good year out before embarking on another 'serious' relationship anyway.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Is there really a way not to fall in love or not to crush into a person? Or is there a way to withdraw our passion after crushing into a person?
I have spent 3 years to remove my OM from my mind and he always comes into my mind naturally. In reality we haven't talked to each other at all but it seems he would never leave even after another 3 years I guess.
The only way to break this attachment of memories, I guess is to actually live with him because people don't always get alone when living together after knowing each other's many flaws. Love is blind unless we would go near to see it and feel it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Actually, you don't have to let go your wife. There are many reasons that she doesn't leave you for her OM. In many parts, you're stronger than her OM. It's just the sparks that seem hard to ignite between many couples.
You might want to recall what made her fall in love with you and recreate that sense.
My husband never thinks about to create a romantic moment. When it's time to have sex, we basically inform each other to get ready in an hour, which is quite predictable and I won't expect an old dog would learn new tricks... You might want to figure out what things are the obstacles between you and her that made her go astray for the OM. Do you know her fantasies are? To help her remove OM, you have to figure out what she desires the most.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

I have said to my other half that if she still felt that way towards him 1 year on then it is time for us both to go our separate ways. It's not good for either of us to stay together when you know someones heart is not in it and if we didn't have kids then that would now be my choice now as it feels like we just have the friendship part left - which is still nice but I can feel the bitterness creeping in from both sides...
I think we will make a nice Christmas this year, then see where the next year takes us....


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## diesel73 (Oct 27, 2010)

I have done some really sexy things with her in the past and want to do this again, but I can see that her heart is really not in it - also I would love to tell her that I just want to [email protected] her brains out in a hotel room or do something equally romantic also - I have a few things planned but there is still a barrier and I find it hard now to say sexy things with any conviction - I guess it requires alot of confidence to get it right and I'm running on fumes!!


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

Good to know that I'm not crazy (as she suggested to get help). But I also might be doing a lot of mind reading. Who knows what's going on in somebody else's head? 

Thanks to all who shared your views.

with best regards,
M.


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