# I think I'm depressed



## butterfly_daisy (Feb 26, 2009)

Hello everyone,

This is also my first post. I've been married now for a year and a half. These past few months have been just wow (and that's not in a good way lol) I can't drive for a year due to a seizure disorder. I hate that I have to depend on others to drive me places, and can't help but feel like I bother him sometimes if I need to go somewhere and he has to drive me. 

He's had a problem with drinking, but he quit for good a few months ago! Thank God! (thats a whole different story and another time lol)

I try to talk to him about how I feel, but he doesn't seem to care or want to listen. Once (while drunk) he told me the reason he would huff and puff, roll his eyes and walk away when I tried to talk to him is b/c he doesn't want to deal with me or my problem, and if he did that enough I would just leave him alone. I said you don't know how it feels to know (or think) you can't rely on your husband to be there when you need him. 
He said that's not true I'm always here for you. 
Since then I have tried to talk to him and it seems like he just does not care he'll ask whats wrong I will start to tell him (im just sad b/c im here at the house all day by myself, miss having a job, just lonely, not happy, etc..) and he just sighs heavily and walks off.. I now do not talk to him at all about anything that is bothering me. 
On a brighter note-- he is affectionate with me opening doors for me, holding my hand, always telling me loves me, etc.. 
The two things I would really like from him is one- to be able to talk and communicate (really communicate) with him I love him otherwise I wouldn't have married him
and two- a little more thoughtfulness, on my birthday he didn't get me anything not even a card, he gave me some money a few days later but I mean not even a card just acknowledging my birthday? No anniversary gift and he knew I bought him something again just a card would've been nice. I've tried telling him over and over I'm not asking for you to go out and get me a big nice gift I would just like to know you took the time and picked out a card for your wife..you know? 
I don't know what it is I'm just not happy anymore. I want to be I just don't know what to do. I want to go to couseling, but don't think he does. He did at the time but whenever I would mention it later he said we don't need counseling.
I love him and I miss the way things were I think the turning point for me being sad was when the seizure disorder came into play. 

Sorry this is so long and thank you to all who took the time to read this and reply. I don't know that I really have a question, but just looking for suggestions on what I can do to help the situation.


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## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

You are still in the very beginning of marriage. This is the training stage. You have to teach you spouse what is and isn't acceptible. People have varying levels of expectations. These misaligned expectations cause hurt. 
For example, I think "Why should I get her a mother's day gift, she's not my mother." She thinks, "He thinks I'm a terrible mother and he hates me, that's why he didn't get me a gift."
He probably has no idea he's being a c*cksucker. He doesn't need emotional intimacy to bond, he only needs physical proximity. If two guys play raquetball for an hour and don't say a word, they bond. He feels bonded to you just being around you. When he says he's always there for you, he means that he's physical present, which is sufficient for a man to bond. He probably doesn't understand emotional intimacy, and the whole concept is so frightening and disturbing, that it is painful for him to even contemplate. 
Guys typically don't want to sense, feel, or otherwise want to be aware of other's inner selves or raw feelings. It is very difficult for guys to understand this and become motivated towards emotional intimacy. Their male brain cannot conceive this easily, and they rarely take you on your word. Instead, you seem perplexing, needy, and bizarre. If you want intimacy don't beg for it, just take it. 
Create situations (away from a bed) that are romantic and arousing. Men magically open up and share and listen better when their sexual antennae are up. (This is physiological, not manipulative.) But the best time to bond is after sex. Both of you get heavy doses of bonding hormones. Feed him grapes and chocolates or give him a full body massage with sandalwood oil. Entice him to open up about his childhood or something else nostalgic that gets him in the frame of mind of sharing. Reward him for opening up by trying some newfangled position that men swear is the cats meow, or some other highly erotic sexual favor. Keep reiterating how much it turns you on when you talk, how it revvs your engines to keep going and going. 
It is unlikely that he will ever understand emotional intimacy. But if you train him right, he will begin to understand that "talking" (a concrete thing that men can understand) about and "listening" are the key to unlocking your sexuality, and giving you a satisfying sexual experience. (And most men are willing to do anything to give their wives a satisfying sexual experience.)


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