# I have no interest in sex



## Xeveria80 (Apr 4, 2015)

I am a 34 year old healthy and fit female. For the past several years I have had no interest and a very low libido. I dread it when my husband wants to be sexual. I am not sure if it's me or if I am just not passionate about my husband anymore. It almost grosses me out in a way and and I feel that I have to be a bit tipsy to go forward with it.

My husband is not ugly or overweight. So, I am thinking it may be me. We don't do a lot of romantic stuff together nor does he compliment me much or take me out too often. Could this be the reason why? Or perhaps maybe I have something wrong with me? Does anyone have this problem or has had it before? I am not satisfying him enough and I am not sure what to do. I feel as though I could go on for years with no sex and be fine with it. Perhaps I need a solution or a OTC drug? I am not on any hormones or anything.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Get checked for hormone and thyroid levels. Take an honest assessment on whether you were ever attracted to him. Figure out if you never felt a need for sex or if you lost it somehow. Think deeply to figure out if you have any resentments against your husband. Just some things to look at.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You are surprised your husband doesn't compliment you or take you out very often? Isn't a little surprising that he still comes home to a woman who's grossed out to be with him, who dreads being sexual with him? He's been hauling himself home to her for several years! That's the mysterious part of the story.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Xeveria80

I take it you would like a lot of romantic stuff and from your other post about finance, you would like him to be adventurous.
You would like him to compliment you. This may seem a simplistic solution but you could ask him to write down what he would like to do for you and vice versa. Sorry to sound so simplistic but it might just be a matter of communication. Hope it works.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If you made the effort to have fun and adventurous sex with your hubby often, I bet you, he would be romantic, take you out to dinners more, do things you want to do a lot more often, compliments, surprises, etc. But if you no longer desire sex, no sex with him really, you honestly expect him over the years of this to still do the following for you?

If you take care of his needs, he will take care of your needs.

If you don't take care of his needs for years now, why should he be taking care of your needs?

When married, you are to take care of each others needs as your own and you aren't your own anymore.

Take the 5 love languages quiz, then exchange the results to each other and you both might be very surprised at the results. Then focus on each others love languages from that point.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Xeveria, would you be pissed off or grateful if he found a NSA chick on the side and quit pestering you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I see the guys here have made the assumption that her loss of libido preceded her hb's not complimenting her or taking her out. How do you know this behavior didn't come first and contribute to it?

OP, would you clarify? Does your hb have good hygiene? What is your relationship like otherwise? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Xeveria80

I agree with cuddlebug, it may be just that simple you do what he wants he does what you want. Question is who starts first, being the more intelligent sex, you would not be on these boards if you where not, please take the initiative, I hope you will be pleasantly surprised by its results.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Did you ever have a high drive? Did it ebb off slowly or suddenly? What have you tried so far to recapture your own sexuality? Do you masturbate? 

If you're doing it for him that isn't really sustainable for decades. You need to want sex for you. There are otc products out there. I didn't have any luck with them but I know people who have. 

Is there anything specific about sex that is turning you off? You need to be honest about things you like and don't like, with him and with yourself. A glass of wine to relax isn't a bad thing if stress is making it difficult to get in the mood.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

So what options are on the table? You know something has to give eventually but how many options are you and your husband willing to look at? I'm just curious how flexible the situation is. It sounds like you believe it's your libido is a lot of the problem rather than general health or attraction. 

- sexless marriage. I think this is a bad option.
- hormone therapy. Worth a try.
- marriage counseling. Worth a try.
- sex therapists. Why not?
- some kind of compromise with scheduled sex. (likely what you're doing now).
- open marriage. In this case not so much open but more like he has an indefinite hall pass. Maybe this sounds too far out there.
- divorce. If none of the above work then maybe this is where it's going.

Oh. Are you on any medications? What kind of diet?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Honest question: why do you want to be married to someone who grosses you out sexually?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Xeveria80 said:


> I am a 34 year old healthy and fit female. For the past several years I have had no interest and a very low libido. I dread it when my husband wants to be sexual. I am not sure if it's me or if I am just not passionate about my husband anymore. It almost grosses me out in a way and and I feel that I have to be a bit tipsy to go forward with it.
> 
> My husband is not ugly or overweight. So, I am thinking it may be me. We don't do a lot of romantic stuff together nor does he compliment me much or take me out too often. Could this be the reason why? Or perhaps maybe I have something wrong with me? Does anyone have this problem or has had it before? I am not satisfying him enough and I am not sure what to do. I feel as though I could go on for years with no sex and be fine with it. Perhaps I need a solution or a OTC drug? I am not on any hormones or anything.


It is not clear from what you have posted why you do not want sex with your husband. It might be a hormonal issue or it might not.

Will you answer some questions?

When did you first notice that you did not want sex with him? Was there something that changed at that time?

Are you on any medications? birth control? anti-depressants?

Are you upset/resentful of your husband most of the time? If so why?

How many hours a week do you and your husband spend together, just the two of you, doing date-like things?


.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Did the loss of your desire coincide with a gain in resentment for other issues in your marriage? I think for a lot of women it's very difficult to be physically intimate when there is resentment or a loss in emotional intimacy. 

I think for some women, if their husbands want them sexually but don't meet their romantic needs - the woman can start to feel just used for sex. Not like it's something two people are sharing but just a place for him to put it. 

Is it like that in your situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MissScarlett said:


> Did the loss of your desire coincide with a gain in resentment for other issues in your marriage? I think for a lot of women it's very difficult to be physically intimate when there is resentment or a loss in emotional intimacy.
> 
> I think for some women, if their husbands want them sexually but don't meet their romantic needs - the woman can start to feel just used for sex. Not like it's something two people are sharing but just a place for him to put it.
> 
> Is it like that in your situation?


There are many reasons for a person, man or woman, not wanting to have sex with their spouse. You are right that the reasons you suggest happen.

Most people, men and women, who do not want sex with their spouse harbor anger/resentment towards their spouse. It leads to no sex or very little sex.

Another thing that happens, is that if a woman's non-sexual intimacy needs are not met by her husband she will very often lose her desire to have sex with him. Why is this? Because the level of hormones like Oxytocin that cause bonding and desire drop in her body. If the couples spends little to no quality time together, the woman's oxytocin level will drop so low that she no longer wants to even be touched. She no longer desires sex with her husband. This happens to men as well. But it's more pronounced in women. 

The good news is that there is a way to get the oxytocin levels back up and thus re-establish the bond and desire. How is that done? Start spending a lot of quality time together, just the two of you. Once sex becomes something you desire again, having lots of sex will increase the body's production of oxytocin and other good bonding chemicals.

In humans, non-sexual intimacy and sexual intimacy are equally important.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Most people, men and women, who do not want sex with their spouse harbor anger/resentment towards their spouse. It leads to no sex or very little sex.


I wonder if its most or not? Sure it might be most or it might just be a lot. I can think of scenarios where resentment squashes desire but then I can think of about the same number of scenarios where lack of desire creates resentment. I guess as it pertains this thread we have to wait on Xeveria80 to chime in and give us more insight.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We teach others how to perceive us and how to treat us. When we dated, when we married, and for several years after, I thought my wife was the sexiest woman alive. After being daily turned away, turned down, and ignored for years, it's nearly impossible for me to even imagine her as a sexual or romantic person. If she completely did a 180 and found her libido again, I'm not sure I would be able to train myself to see her as female again. You can eventually make the dumbest, most loyal dog bite you.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Sounds like resentment to me according to this post that you wrote.



Xeveria80 said:


> My husband works full time and I work part time myself and am a housewife. Early in our marriage we both worked full time but it became difficult for me when I would clean the house on my days off and he would not be helpful in sharing those duties. He would just play video games. I am not a clean freak or anything, I just don't like living in a **** show of a house. Before we were married he would let dirty laundry pile up for weeks before he washed it. I probably should have spoke to him about that before we got married
> 
> Here is the issue with our marriage and I would love your opinion..My husband is very conservative with our money. He will save and keep over $20,000 in our finances for anything that could happen. I admire it and think it's very smart. However, he loses sleep over it and we rarely will go out and do anything together as a couple. We make enough money between the two us to pay our bills and save mind you. He gives me a sum amount allowance every month to buy groceries and other personal items. If I use another card, he will confront me and tell me not to use the other debit card and if I am low on funds for groceries we need to buy ramen for the rest of the month. All of our arguments are about money. I believe in saving money, but at the same time I think it's great to live a little and buy items for enjoyment from time to time. I'd love to go out somewhere fun on a date with my husband without him worrying about money the whole time. I can't buy concert tickets without asking him first to surprise him. Likewise, he never surprises me with anything either. What should I do? I have talked to him before about this.
> 
> P.S.Here is an example that happened yesterday. I wanted to give my 2 nieces and my nephew some money in an Easter egg hunt to do tomorrow. He doesn't get excited about it at all. All he does is complain about how they don't need any money. That I don't need to buy them baskets too and do that. I feel like I married a scrooge!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

T&T said:


> Sounds like resentment to me according to this post that you wrote.


Beat me to it. I was about to post the same thing.

Xeveria is not having any fun with her husband. He's a cheapskate and doesn't carry his weight around the house, and it sounds like they don't do anything fun together.

No quality time leads to disconnect.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> How do you know this behavior didn't come first and contribute to it?


I can't know for sure, but there are a couple of good indicators:

1) The OP said she feels like she can go for years without it.
2) The seemed kind of non-committal on the issue of not having her needs met.

Seems like most of the emotionally neglected women are pretty clear about wanting sex but not with their husbands, and that their emotional neglect is the driver of the situation.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Beat me to it. I was about to post the same thing.
> 
> Xeveria is not having any fun with her husband. He's a cheapskate and doesn't carry his weight around the house, and it sounds like they don't do anything fun together.
> 
> No quality time leads to disconnect.


No one wants to have sex with a horse's ass. It would kill my libido too.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I am wondering if her husband grew up in a family with issues around money, it would explain his behavior.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> We teach others how to perceive us and how to treat us. When we dated, when we married, and for several years after, I thought my wife was the sexiest woman alive. After being daily turned away, turned down, and ignored for years, it's nearly impossible for me to even imagine her as a sexual or romantic person. If she completely did a 180 and found her libido again, I'm not sure I would be able to train myself to see her as female again. You can eventually make the dumbest, most loyal dog bite you.


It also looks as if X80 has checked out.

There are two sides to every story....and which came first.....the chicken or the egg?

Did they have a good sex life at first or has it waned over the years?

There is another post about duty sex...if the OP gave her husband willing and caring duty sex because she knew he wanted it and she gave it willingly and with love then all good....but if she couldn't be bothered to make the effort why should she?

But again, we need to know more. Maybe he is a ba$tard so she has gone off him..??

We men are very simple creatures indeed...look after our sexual needs and we will do anything.

Ignore our sexual needs and we will start backing away. If a lioness continually rebuffs a lions advances he will, eventually, give up and go seek a 'receptive' lioness.

We guys are much the same.

Over the years my wife has gone off sex completely...I would still try to woo her...help with chores...do ALL the cooking...buy her flowers etc (i like them around the house too)....basically I kept on 'investing' and was getting nada/zilch/sweet FA/nothing in return. So, in the end I stopped investing.
And she didn't even notice!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

askari said:


> It also looks as if X80 has checked out.
> 
> There are two sides to every story....and which came first.....the chicken or the egg?
> 
> ...


Maybe the wooing and the cleaning, cooking, and flowers wasn't what she valued about the marriage. Maybe what she valued was green, could be folded, fit in a wallet, and could be exchanged for material possessions. 

You notice we have "Millionaire Matchmaker" and "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" but we don't have "dishwasher matchmaker" or "who wants to marry a sweet guy who cooks?"


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

She hasn't got the intelligence!

Her parents are (like mine) in their late 70's/early 80's and have a very nice holiday home in rural Tuscany in Italy.

A couple of months ago her sister + husband, my wife and I were discussing the inevitible...what would happen when their parents died...what would come of the holiday home in Tuscany. Both my brother in law and I said it should be kept, rented out to provide an income etc.

Both sisters turned to us and said 'its none of your business...its OUR inheritance'...
They are both clearly not clued up enough to know that in a divorce EVERYTHING goes into the pot.....irrespective as to where it came from (unless illegal of course).

Of course there are legal ways round it...like trust funds in childrens names etc and 'named' Trustees etc.
I'm not going to inherit anything! Ha Ha!

She really has shot herself in the foot!

Sorry to hijack....


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Do you take any medications?

Hormonal birth control, antidepressants, and blood pressure medications are among the medications which can destroy libido. 

See your doctor.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

ok, your husband doesn't rev your engine up anymore. Does anyone?

is there a hot movie star, or rock star that does? any cute coworkers, etc?

are you ever sexual....when you're by yourself (if you know what I mean)?

if isn't not birth control, antidepressants, or hormones, it's time for some counseling to get to root cause.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Xeveria80 said:


> We don't do a lot of romantic stuff together nor does he compliment me much or take me out too often. Could this be the reason why?


I think this could very well be a reason why you aren't feeling a ton of desire for him. Do you feel emotionally close to him? A lot of times, women need to feel that emotional connection to have a truly great and satisfying sex life with their partner. Is he nice to you? Kind? Do you feel attraction to other men? Are you depressed? What else is going on in your life. Surely, he has addressed it with you before, right? Do you still have sex with him?


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