# Don't want to call it quits



## thischick2788 (Aug 6, 2014)

I've been with my husband for about 2 1/2 years now. I love him dearly and I really don't want to call it quits but I'm at a loss for what to do anymore. Here's a little bit of background:

We married in 2012 and it seems that since then each argument we have had gets more and more escalated and it's always about the same things. I will agree that when we moved in together I didn't know how to be a true house wife so my cleaning and organizational skills were lacking. I'm not saying I was a slob but if I had a magazine on the table, a shirt laying over the chair, the bed unmade, laundry washed and folded but not put away, it seemed ok to me. I wasn't embarrassed to invite people in. Now add that with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and I just didn't feel like doing anything most days. We argued all the time about this. I finally decided someone has to change their ways and I knew it wasn't going to be him. I now mop the floors on my hands and knees once a week, bed made every day, dishes done, lunch is packed, dinners are planned. Everything he has asked me to do I do it. How is it still now enough? Today I had dinner ingredients Sat out bc apparently I'm a bad cook and am not allowed to make dinner anymore, and I had to table set. I got reemed out bc the table was set too early. 

Each argument we get into consists of him insulting me in some way (I'm stupid, retarded, unintelligent, etc), him telling me that what I do (housework, grocery shopping,meal coordination. Raising two kids) is not enough and he wants more out of me, and then saying he's leaving me (when he's all talk anyway),and then an apology in the morning via text. I come away from each argument so hurt but more determined to prove that I'm not dumb and I'm not a piece of crap. The only thing I have ever asked of him is to treat me as an equal. To show me love and affection. To tell me I'm beautiful (which tonight he has informed me that I'm not) and to surprise me every once in awhile and not materialisticly either. He has yet to do any of it. In front of family or friends or out in public I feel like a friend to him and not a wife. I don't get to hold hands or get a speck on the cheek. I don't even get a thank you for just doing what I should. No appreciation, nothing. 

When I lay it out like that people wonder, how can you still love him? I'm not really sure any more but I just know that I do, and I really want to make this thing work. Help?

Ps counseling is out of the question. To him it's a joke.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

Let me guess. You don't have a job and can't support yourself right?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Who cares if you can't support yourself, slap him a divorce and get him to support you and the kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

thischick2788 said:


> Today I had dinner ingredients Sat out bc apparently I'm a bad cook and am not allowed to make dinner anymore, and I had to table set. I got reemed out bc the table was set too early.
> 
> Each argument we get into consists of him insulting me in some way (I'm stupid, retarded, unintelligent, etc), him telling me that what I do (housework, grocery shopping,meal coordination. Raising two kids) is not enough and he wants more out of me, and then saying he's leaving me (when he's all talk anyway),and then an apology in the morning via text. I come away from each argument so hurt but more determined to prove that I'm not dumb and I'm not a piece of crap. The only thing I have ever asked of him is to treat me as an equal. To show me love and affection. To tell me I'm beautiful (which tonight he has informed me that I'm not) and to surprise me every once in awhile and not materialisticly either. He has yet to do any of it. In front of family or friends or out in public I feel like a friend to him and not a wife. I don't get to hold hands or get a speck on the cheek. I don't even get a thank you for just doing what I should. No appreciation, nothing.
> 
> Ps counseling is out of the question. To him it's a joke.


This is not ok. It's not healthy or conducive to a happy, satisfying marriage. 

Have a talk with him - a serious talk - about how when he does these things, how it makes you feel. He is supposed to be your partner/husband, not someone that belittles you/tears you down or makes you feel bad. He should make you feel loved/supported, not like some random woman living in his house. 

The bit about him always saying he's leaving you - that is not fighting fair at all. It's a power ploy. Don't feed into it.

I'm not surprised he doesn't want counseling. These types never do. 

If this dynamic does not change, I can tell you what your future will be: you will eventually become so sick of him doing this that you will not want to be around him or have sex with him (which no doubt, he will expect at his whim, even when he's talking sh*t to you). You will lose respect for him which means you will start to resent him and that all about kills the love. You will either get so fed up and leave him one day and/or become a shell of yourself if he doesn't stop doing this and live in a completely unhappy marriage.

Stand tall. You are worth more than how you are being treated. Let him know that. 

And worst case scenario: get a job to support yourself and make a life/way for yourself. Without him.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

:iagree:

That was my life. I stayed far too long. I'm so much happier now. This is not good for you and it's not good for the kids to see it. They will not respect you, they will fear him and in the end you will be a shell of yourself it you don't leave or at least stand up to him, tho I don't really expect he'll change.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

I know you have often wondered why women who are abused don't leave their abusive husband/partner. No matter how badly and how often he beats her, she still loves him. I know you've wondered why. I know you have wondered how these women can put up with such awful indignations and still stay. I know you have wondered why they put up with his anger, his meanness, and him disrespecting her so badly. I know you've wondered. We all wonder all the time. Now.......

Go look in the mirror.

You are those women. You are just like them. So, ask yourself why you put up with this. He might not beat you, but he surely is abusing you just as badly. Google the different types of abuse and you will see.

There's a lot I want to tell you, but I know it won't do any good. So, please let me tell you this little bit.....

You are not supposed to spend your life trying to please a man like him. He is not your father, and you are not his child for yuo to be jumping through hoops doing everything he demands of you. And, you are setting a very bad example for your children in showing them women are supposed to be mistreated and men are supposed to mistreat them. You have to learn to think enough of yourself and have enough self esteem to realize that you are being abused and refuse to tolerate it. 

Maybe he won't go to marriage counseling, but you should still get individual counseling to help you understand why you put up with this, why you still love someone who treats you so badly, and to help you gain self esteem and sense of worth so you will want better for yourself. You want to be loved, but you're not being loved. He might say those words sometimes, but clearly you're not getting love the way you need it, so his words are empty and meaningless.....and yet you accept that.....and you love him still.

Help yourself to learn how to love yourself because no one here can help you with him. But you can learn a little bit more about him if you're interested. There are lots of books and web articles to show you the kind of person he is and whatever disorder he has because you are dealing with a very sick and twisted man.

Types of Abuse
Educate yourself about abuse

Romeo is Bleeding
When Mr. Right Turns Out To Be Mr. Wrong

Why Does He Do That?
Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
You can purchase a copy of the book from this page, and there are lots of excerpts on the page that you can read. I strongly urge you to buy the book.

Verbally Abusive Relationships
How To Recognize It And How To Respond

The Emotionally Abused Woman
Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself

Narcissistic Abusive Men

Borderline Personality Disorderd Abusive Husband

How to Deal With Emotional Abuse

Psychological Abuse

All types of abuse fall under the spectrum of Domestic Violence, which includes the emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and psychological abuse that you are experiencing. There are DV shelters everywhere, but people just don't know about them because their locations are kept secret for the safety of the abused women who flee there.

However, most DV shelters offer free counseling (in addition to a lot of other assistance programs) to abused women. You don't have to leave your husband to take advantage of the counseling they offer. 

You can find domestic violence shelters in your area by either calling 211 or the DV Hotline 800-787-3224. They can give you the phone numbers to shelters in your area. You may have to call more than one to find which ones offer the counseling.

I know you don't want to leave, but please at least get yourself help.


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