# Sexual Desert: obese husband



## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that. We started having sex a year after dating. We haven't had sex in 5 months now, & I've been going crazy over it for the past 3!! I don't know how much longer I can take!!!

First off, some background: I (the wife) have never been able to orgasm either by myself or with my husband (who is the only man I've ever been sexually active with). I've been told by people that I must have a mental block about orgasming. While we were dating, I know for sure that was the case because I was raised that sex should be saved for married, & in my mind I thought what I was doing was wrong. But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."

My husband has always been on the bigger side (lineman in football body type) but he's gained 100 lbs. in the past 2 years while I've remained the same. He is now in the morbidly obese category (6'0", 295 lbs, very little muscle). I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off. Making love to him physically is like making love to Flubber (the green blob). His boobs are bigger than mine, and I have 34C's!! Talk about a turn-off!! Plus, I feel like his stomach gets in the way of us being successful at trying new sex positions. I feel like he can never go in as deep as he is able to.

He and I discuss everything; we've always had great communication skills. However, in this case, I've probably over-communicated to him in the past how I feel about his body. He knows I find him repulsive physically, & obviously he's not happy about this. I imagine this is the primary reason he stopped asking me for sex 6 months ago. I do everything I can to help him lose weight: I cook all of our meals at home, am SUPER meticulous about the quality of ingredients I buy & any potential allergens that could cause unnecessary inflammation in the body, make his breakfasts each morning & pack his lunches for when he goes to work, and encourage him and keep on top of him when it comes to exercising. He exercises for 60-90 minutes at the gym 4-5 times per week, but still hasn't been losing weight!! I don't know what's wrong with him! I know in the past he's secretly eaten food without me knowing; I know this because he always fesses up to it later & gets all guilty about it and gives me the "I'm determined to change" speech. I've yet to see any results from his supposed "determination". I'm fairly certain he's stopped this eating behind my back because I haven't seen any restaurant charges on our credit cards & I know when he withdraws cash from our bank account.

When it comes to his weight & our sex life, he knows that he needs to shrink in order to improve our sex life. But it seems like that's never going to happen! I mean, he's been trying to lose just 20 lbs for the past 9 months!! Meanwhile, I'm over here getting SOOOO unbelievably sexually frustrated!!! But since I can't orgasm, I don't know if my sexual frustration is more physical or emotional. All I know is that I want to have hot, steamy sex with my husband!! I've resorted to romance novels and movies and tv shows with steamy sex scenes: they're my escape. But then I'll start fantasizing about the actor/character & then I'll start feeling guilty over the fact that the majority of sexual thoughts that arouse me don't involve my husband at all... like I'm mentally cheating on him with fictional characters! Of course, I don't want this to happen & know theres no substitute for the real thing. I want the real thing so badly!! But when I do get the real thing, I want it to actually be good, not another let-down. We're both in our mid/late 20's, and I feel like this is the time in our lives when we should be having the most amazing sex! I mean, if we don't have it now, WHEN will we?!?! Will it ever even happen?!!?

I don't know how to make this happen, though. I want to be a good, understanding, caring, supportive wife who loves her husband unconditionally, but I don't know how else to help him. There's just something about his rolls of fat that I can't get past when we're having sex! For as sexually frustrated as I am, I just see his fat and then am instantly turned off! Doesn't matter how horny I am/was; I see him without his shirt on (or even with his shirt on & his stomach popping out from underneath his shirt and spilling over his waistline) or I'll see him fully naked and instantly go from 100 to 0 on the sexual desire scale.

Side note: outside of our sex life, our normal life and marriage are absolutely wonderful. He is my best friend & I trust him with my life and happiness completely. Now if only the sex would match the rest of our life!

I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Buy a vibrator and figure yourself out.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

lHde90j said:


> I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."
> 
> ... I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off.


Wow you've got a big problem here. I think you need to take the next step and have a serious talk with him and his doctor about getting him a gastric bypass or sleeve or something. You have a multitude of reasons to do this. The bigger he gets, the more he stretches his skin permanently. Even when you lose weight, it doesn't just go back to the way it was. And, it's not just for you, his health will deteriorate over the years if he continues. And check his Testosterone levels. Higher T levels can help a man build muscle and lose weight faster/easier.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The only way he can lose weight is by himself. You can give him all the tools, but he has to determine what he is going to do. If he doesn't, then you really have no choice, you should leave. Don't waste your life with someone who has given up on himself. Not only does he repulse you, but his health will be a factor as well as many other things. 

He can't make the promise to you, he has to make it to himself. Tell him to try low carb and put everything he eats into an app that monitors what goes in and goes out. Tell him you won't EVER look at it, but he should. Tell him to put all his sneaky foods in there (he still is sneaking) and then look at it every week. Tell him if he really remembers that Double Whopper he had 3 days ago and if it was really worth it. Or that sundae. Or that apple fritter. Wait, Im getting hungry now...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

wantshelp said:


> Wow you've got a big problem here. I think you need to take the next step and have a serious talk with him and his doctor about getting him a gastric bypass or sleeve or something. You have a multitude of reasons to do this. The bigger he gets, the more he stretches his skin permanently. Even when you lose weight, it doesn't just go back to the way it was. And, it's not just for you, his health will deteriorate over the years if he continues. And check his Testosterone levels. Higher T levels can help a man build muscle and lose weight faster/easier.


Good points. I think this is about more than just the weight gain (but that is an issue that DEFINITELY needs to be addressed).

All these things are tied up together. He can't make you orgasm; this is probably very emasculating for him, because he feels like he is failing to meet your needs. This may be why he's avoiding sex. And yes, I think he's avoiding sex. You don't mention how tall he is; 295# on a tall man with a large frame might be overweight, but it's not going to stop him from having sex. (Trust me, I KNOW.) If he's a shorter man, and/or has a slight frame, this may be more of an issue, but... I have known men who are short and heavier than your husband, and that doesn't stop them from being sexually active. 

So I think he's avoiding sex, for a number of reasons. 1) He's embarrassed/upset that he can't make you orgasm. That might be making it difficult for him to get/keep it up. 2) He's self-conscious about the weight gain. He knows that you've noticed it. He knows that you find it repulsive. You may think you're hiding it well, but you're likely not. He knows. And a man who knows his wife finds him unattractive isn't going to initiate sex. 3) Weight gain can cause impotence, because the extra weight can cut off blood flow. So he might be embarrassed/ashamed that he's having problems keeping it up.

You need to talk to him about weight loss, but leave the sex part out of it. Let him know that the weight gain concerns you because of the long-term damage to his health, and that you're concerned the two of you won't be able to grow old together because of this. Not because you would leave him--but because he might die an early death due to health problems caused by his obesity. Tell him you will do whatever you can to support him, but he needs to put in the effort to lose the weight. And you'll need to make sure that he's eating healthy--do it with him, and prepare healthy meals at home. Don't monitor and nag, but encourage. And get him out of the house and moving. Do more active activities together.

Meanwhile, start working on yourself. He'll never be able to make you orgasm if you can't do it yourself. Seek out a sex therapist if you need to, but figure out what you need to get off. And practice it. LOTS. The more comfortble you become with your body, the more quickly you will be able to make yourself orgasm, and this will make it easier for HIM to make your orgasm. And you need to know what you like and what gets you off so you can tell HIM what you like and what you want him to do. 

Do all this while he is working on the weight loss. Because once the weight starts to come off, his confidence will come back, and so will his sex drive. It will ROAR back. Exercise increases testosterone, which will put is sex drive into overdrive. And you want to be ready for that. If he finds that you've been working on the orgasming thing, that will likely turn him on even more.

Good luck!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You moderate his food intake, he works out 4-5 days a week, and he's not losing weight?

Bullsh*t.

Hit the button, folks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?


If you CAN'T have an orgasm all on your own and have grown frustrated to a point where you are blaming your husband's weight, this is very problematic! 

1) Get a vibrator
2) You use it on your own
3) You use it in front of him
4) Let him use it on you
5) Use it while he is inside you
6) Have simultaneous orgasms together as often as needed
7) Feel great and THEN help him loose weight

Hope that helps!

Badsanta


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> You moderate his food intake, he works out 4-5 days a week, and he's not losing weight?
> 
> Bullsh*t.
> 
> ...


This.

He's eating more and working out less than you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

lHde90j said:


> My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that. We started having sex a year after dating. We haven't had sex in 5 months now, & I've been going crazy over it for the past 3!! I don't know how much longer I can take!!!
> 
> First off, some background: I (the wife) have never been able to orgasm either by myself or with my husband (who is the only man I've ever been sexually active with). I've been told by people that I must have a mental block about orgasming. While we were dating, I know for sure that was the case because I was raised that sex should be saved for married, & in my mind I thought what I was doing was wrong. But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."
> 
> ...


Half the people I know who had gastric bypass surgery lost weight and gained it all back within 2 years. Unless you keep up with water and protein intake and be a portion nazi the surgery will not work. Even with surgery, discipline is the only true effective tool in weight loss.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> This.
> 
> He's eating more and working out less than you think.


It's one or the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> It's one or the other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Both, but considering his amount of excess it's likely more of option 1. It's a lot easier to eat then to burn off.

I know a number of obese women who claim they eat 1000 calories per day. Yeah, no. 

But I don't think they're intentionally deceptive....they honestly don't realize how much they eat and drink.

It's easy to lose track if you're not careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Both, but considering his amount of excess it's likely more of option 1. It's a lot easier to eat then to burn off.


Sorry, I wasn't clear --

Either his food intake and/or activity isn't what she thinks it is or the entirety of OP's narrative is bullsh*t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would say the chances that he is eating junk food that you don't know about are very high. If he is not sneaking food, then something is bad wrong medically if he is eating and exercising as you say...he should be in great shape.

If he can't loose on his own, he should research weight loss surgery.

Now on to you. Have you tried a lot to orgasm on your own? Have you tried a vibrator while you are reading your smutty books? Do you get wet when you are turned on?

I think that you do have a mental block perhaps from your faith. Like you said though, you are married now. Let that go. You "fixed" the error. Do lots of self exploration of your body and I think you will have success. Once you learn it yourself, then you can teach him.

I wish you both the best.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Both, but considering his amount of excess it's likely more of option 1. It's a lot easier to eat then to burn off.
> 
> I know a number of obese women who claim they eat 1000 calories per day. Yeah, no.
> 
> ...


This is totally the case. I had no idea until I used one of those online recording apps.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> I want to change this SOOO BADLY but don't know what I can do! I've tried to psyche myself into enjoying sex with him, by telling myself "this feels so good" or "this is amazing" or "focus on the connection and intimacy" while we're having sex, but these mantras don't seem to increase my pleasure or desire at all. I always end up getting distracted by his giggling fat; it feels like I'm sitting on top of a giggling water bed. I feel like the ball is in his court. Trust me, if I could eat and exercise for him, I would!!! But since I can't, is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?


Thank you for posting this. 
I also have difficulty with the weight and my wife is too nice to tell me like it is.
It's nice (honestly) to see you describe what a fat husband does to your sexual mind. It gives me incentive to keep it off and maybe lose more weight.

I am 6' 200lbs and lost 50. I don't do anything in particular other than eat less and NOTHING after dinner. It IS one of the hardest things to do and you can never be finished. I hope your husband achieves his goal!


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> So I think he's avoiding sex, for a number of reasons. 1) He's embarrassed/upset that he can't make you orgasm. That might be making it difficult for him to get/keep it up. 2) He's self-conscious about the weight gain. He knows that you've noticed it. He knows that you find it repulsive. You may think you're hiding it well, but you're likely not. He knows. And a man who knows his wife finds him unattractive isn't going to initiate sex. 3) Weight gain can cause impotence, because the extra weight can cut off blood flow. So he might be embarrassed/ashamed that he's having problems keeping it up.


Great points. I know I felt the same way. When I lost 50 pounds, I was a new person. I could move better and get into different positions. The one thing that benefited the most was my confidence. 

OP, there is hope. 25 years into my marriage, after losing 50 pounds, we are having some great sex.

BTW as Dr. Oz said, you do gain 1" of penis size for every 35 pounds lost. 
The "fat pad" gets smaller and the penis appears larger. Appearance is everything


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is totally on your husband, he has the means to lose the weight but doesn't. I'm kinda going through the same thing. My wife is very overweight and it has seriously affected the marriage. I wonder if overweight people have a higher probability of either becoming or just being LD? Seems that she would rather stay the way she is and keep the marriage in the poor state it is.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do you work? Find a coworker to have sex with.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Do you work? Find a coworker to have sex with.


Surely you're not serious.



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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Surely you're not serious.


Obviously you never had a spouse gain 100 lbs and stop wanting to have sex. Barring a medical reason, when one spouse does that they are saying "F*** you" to their partner.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> You moderate his food intake, he works out 4-5 days a week, and he's not losing weight?
> 
> Bullsh*t.
> 
> ...


He might be hitting the vending machine at work. If he's not committed, then her best efforts will not help him lose weight.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Obviously you never had a spouse gain 100 lbs and stop wanting to have sex. Barring a medical reason, when one spouse does that they are saying "F*** you" to their partner.


I haven't had that experience, and you might be right about this situation being a gigantic middle finger to the other spouse, but it's tough to see cheating as being an appropriate response.

My wife tells me to f*ck off, chances are pretty good I'm going to do just that.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Obviously you never had a spouse gain 100 lbs and stop wanting to have sex. Barring a medical reason, when one spouse does that they are saying "F*** you" to their partner.


Yeah, that's basically what I feel like. Like she took her middle finger and stuffed it up my nose. They have the ability to lose the weight and they don't and don't care how you feel about it. When this happens resentment is not far behind.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Obviously you never had a spouse gain 100 lbs and stop wanting to have sex. Barring a medical reason, when one spouse does that they are saying "F*** you" to their partner.


No I have not had a spouse gain a significant amount of weight. One thing to consider: some people have food addictions. That addiction is as real as a drug or alcohol addiction, only it's harder because obviously we all need food to survive.

You see it as a big f*** you to the marriage. I see it as someone in need of help in what may be a true, bona fide addiction. And, in all of my travels through my adult life, I have never seen a scenario where stepping out on your spouse is Justified. You divorce first, then get your freak on. I see Affairs as Nothing But Cake eating.

OP sorry for the thread jack. However, I believe your husband is sneak eating.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, I wasn't clear --
> 
> Either his food intake and/or activity isn't what she thinks it is or the entirety of OP's narrative is bullsh*t.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just read the forum rules and you're not supposed to say that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> No I have not had a spouse gain a significant amount of weight. One thing to consider: some people have food addictions. That addiction is as real as a drug or alcohol addiction, only it's harder because obviously we all need food to survive.
> 
> You see it as a big f*** you to the marriage. I see it as someone in need of help in what may be a true, bona fide addiction. And, in all of my travels through my adult life, I have never seen a scenario where stepping out on your spouse is Justified. You divorce first, then get your freak on. I see Affairs as Nothing But Cake eating.
> 
> OP sorry for the thread jack. However, I believe your husband is sneak eating.


Very few people have food addictions. Over two years, OP's H overconsumed on the average 480 calories in excess of his daily requirement. That is 3 cans of coke or nearly a whole Big Mac per day in excess. It takes at least 45 minutes on the treadmill to burn that off, so basically the workout is ineffective in weight control. 

Most people can easily over consume that in a day. Just eat a breakfast or lunch at Denny's at you are nearly done for the calories for the day. But doing this day in and day out is a conscious effort. The person keeps having to buy new clothes and those are check points in the relationship. And each time new clothes are bought it is a nail in the coffin for the marriage. Saying they have an addiction gives them an excuse and relieves them of responsibility. 

I fully understand OP's situation and don't want her two years to became 5 years or 10 years.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> I fully understand OP's situation and don't want her two years to became 5 years or 10 years.


I agree. But suggesting she have an affair? Come on, man.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> I agree. But suggesting she have an affair? Come on, man.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


My response was to OP, not you (I have to say that to avoid TJ).

OP asked "..... is there anything I can do to improve our sex life?" I gave her an option.

There are multiple levels to this. If H THINKS she is flirting at work, maybe he will be motivated to lose the weight and ____ his wife, and not let some other guy do it. And if he cares not to, then she has his implied permission. Or she finds a replacement and divorces him. 

I never explicitly said cheat. I said find someone else at work. The timing of events (sex, not divorce ; sex, divorce ; divorce, sex, etc) is left to OP decide.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Well, he needs to change for himself, not for her. And she needs to only support him in what he's willing to do. If he's serious about losing the weight, then he will get himself to a doctor if he has sincerely tried other things. He could be sneaking or he could have a metabolic or thyroid issue. In any case, it's his job to solve and hers to support him. Now, if he's unwilling then she has new information on which to base a decision.

And as for the sex, I'd say get a vibrator while you wait for him to make changes. He's got work to do, and you have needs. This is an interim phase that you can both get through if you are each committed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Begin again said:


> Well, he needs to change for himself, not for her. And she needs to only support him in what he's willing to do. If he's serious about losing the weight, then he will get himself to a doctor if he has sincerely tried other things. He could be sneaking or he could have a metabolic or thyroid issue. In any case, it's his job to solve and hers to support him. Now, if he's unwilling then she has new information on which to base a decision.
> 
> And as for the sex, I'd say get a vibrator while you wait for him to make changes. He's got work to do, and you have needs. This is an interim phase that you can both get through if you are each committed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


K. I have a serious objection to the advice I have seen on this thread about getting a vibrator. (OP I am being silly here... kind of.) It should be a Hitachi magic wand. Ok for the uninitiated get a regular vibe first. Get acclimated. THEN get a Hitachi magic wand. A Hitachi Magic Wand. End of story.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I've been obese a number of years and have frequent sex. But I don't have a confidence problem. I can absolutely say it is possible to retain weight with a lower calorie intake than you might imagine. I can also say my body tells me to eat; I get hungry. So there are a number if mechanisms at work.

Slower metabolism, bad timing / patterns (work late; eat late; sleep is a common but horrible pattern), stress, lack of sleep, etc all impact your ability to lose weight and keep it off.

I work out with a personal trainer 1.5 hrs a week very, very hard - I've made huge strength gains over the past 1.5 years - but I ONLY lose weight on specific diets and working out only allows me to remain stable. (Btw I also walk several miles a week and do cardio). Got TKD black belt a few years ago but also got close to 295 at 5'8. So activity and weight loss are only correlated at best and not for everyone.

Lost about 40 lbs last winter on a 100% strict high protein, zero added carb (except veggies) diet. Enjoyed a lot of beer this summer  and gained 8-10 back but am doing another 4-5 month sprint diet starting sept 1. I'm about 250 now and am shooting for 205-215 for this sprint. I figure I can annually do a sprint and lose over time. I want to retain my muscle gains so there is a balance that I need to achieve.

My point is if you are a certain body type with ingrained habits, bad insulin response, etc you have to make systemic changes to diet and sleep to succeed in weight loss. Lots of water too.

Btw my W makes all my meals and I only supplement at night .

So you both have work to do. You need to figure out your body and try to see your H past his body and he needs less body.

Change positions so you are not distracted by his body. Face down, ya know? That's a great way to O for many women anyway and you can manipulate yourself and create whatever imagery you need. We bought wedges to make this very comfortable for her. We vary positions and my weight doesn't interfere with sex. Sex is a 50-90% mental (your results may vary).

Ok and 20 something doesn't mean you should be having amazing sex. Many people, women in particular, take decades to learn their bodies and BECOME good at sex. It is often in your 40s to 60s that you can hit your sexual prime. So don't buy that hype about youth and sex. You are over stressing yourself. 

And we just used that cordless hitachi the other night - you should google that and watch some women getting off on it - it's porn but it can be tasteful and you would benefit from seeing women getting themselves off. I think it might remove done of your anxiety about it. And it's sexy as h3ll .

Good luck.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You moderate his food intake, he works out 4-5 days a week, and he's not losing weight?
> 
> Bullsh*t.
> 
> ...


Yep. He's feeding you a tale. He doesn't want to lose the weight... not really.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

What is his daily caloric intake look like? What is his workout schedule?


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

Yes, you're probably right.  Or maybe he's not actually going to the gym when he says he is!! If only he'd go on hikes & come swimming with me. I would like him to come, but he always says "no, I'm going to the gym". 
Oh crap! Is the "gym" code talk for Pizza Hut?!?!?!


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

Concerning orgasm, I do own a vibrator but still haven't been able to make myself orgasm. I don't use it as much as I used to; that wasn't intentional, I think I just gradually started using it less and less because it didn't do anything for me. Yes, I'm able to get wet & get turned on physically. I don't think it's a medical issue I have, which means it still must be mental. Seeing a sex therapist is not a bad idea.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

Wow! Thank you for your reply!! I'm glad our situation could motivate you.  Great job on the weight loss!! You may not discuss weight with your wife, but I'm almost certain she is very happy to have you slimmer & more fit! Plus, like other comments have said, being fitter will lead to a longer & happier life with your wife. Good luck!


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

Lol  Yes, I do work... with a bunch of 60+ year old men and a middle aged woman. I'm not looking for an affair or a future divorce. lol


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

41362 said:


> What is his daily caloric intake look like? What is his workout schedule?


I make his protein smoothie for him in the morning, which is about 500 calories. Then for lunch, what I pack him is usually around 400-500 calories. I'll also send him some pieces of fresh fruit or nuts as snacks while he's a work, so an additional 200-300 calories. For dinner, we usually just have a small green salad, which we eat at least 3 hours before going to bed to aid digestion.

For his exercise, he goes to the local gym. I don't have a membership (I hate gyms) so I've never seen him workout. He's very self-conscious about working out in front of me. I think it's because of all his jiggle. I love the outdoors & offer for him to come join me on my hikes or swims, but he says he's not in good enough shape to do that yet & keep up with me. :| He's had personal trainers in the past & done CrossFit, but I didn't notice any significant results from that, and he stopped the personal trainer after 3 months due to finances.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Ok and 20 something doesn't mean you should be having amazing sex. Many people, women in particular, take decades to learn their bodies and BECOME good at sex. It is often in your 40s to 60s that you can hit your sexual prime. So don't buy that hype about youth and sex. You are over stressing yourself.


THANK YOU!!! That's exactly what I needed to hear! I talk to my other married 20 something girl friend & they all talk about how wonderful their sex lives are. I start comparing myself & get really jealous. But perhaps we'll start having a good sex life later in life & once he's decided to lose the weight.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

BTW I burned about 500 cal in a 45 minute workout in if I extend my workout to include cardio I can burn up to 800 cal.so you can't under feed him if he's working out hard, he'll get over hungry then eat too much. Also if he claims he's working out that much (time wise) I question how hard it is actually. Most people I see at the gym don't work very hard and are on their phone most of the time. They're just abating their guilt by going. Meanwhile my shirt is completely soaked through with sweat. So it's not the amount of time, it's the effort


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

At his size he should he wear a heart rate monitor. I wear a polar H7 with Bluetooth and monitor my heart rate and calories using the free polar beat app


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> BTW I burned about 500 cal in a 45 minute workout in if I extend my workout to include cardio I can burn up to 800 cal.so you can't under feed him if he's working out hard, he'll get over hungry then eat too much. Also if he claims he's working out that much (time wise) I question how hard it is actually. Most people I see at the gym don't work very hard and are on their phone most of the time. They're just abating their guilt by going. Meanwhile my shirt is completely soaked through with sweat. So it's not the amount of time, it's the effort


I hope you wipe down the machines and benches after you work out. :wink2:

I doubt H is building a sweat. You a right about getting hungry after working out. Protein drinks (the no sugar added kind) are great to help with that.

He needs more weight lifting and less cardio. That will have him burn more calories even after working out. But he will negate all that with eating cookies or whatever.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

First time responding to someone else's thread so hope my insight can help a little. 

As someone who gained a lot of weight the last couple of years triggered by depression, I can tell you that not every diet works for everyone. I have tried EVERYTHING out there, literally and on most of them I lost nothing or found them too high maintenance to work into my busy life, or, I was able to lose 10-15lbs, hit a plateau, got discouraged and gave up. But the weight would always come roaring right back as soon as I stopped dieting. I went to my doctor asking for bypass surgery and she refused to refer me as I don't have the support system to be able to succeed. I was very discouraged. She did run several tests and turns out I do have a low thyroid, and she also switched my depression med for one that does not have weight gain as a side effect. I had also taken a lot of steroids the past few years for joint issues and these can also cause weight gain and make dieting pointless. I decided the extra weight was more painful for my joints in the long run and decided to refuse steroids going forward unless I am in absolute agony. 

Long story short, I'm dieting again and in the last 4 months have lost 55lbs. as of today. I do believe it's important to note that H has never expressed repulsion, although he has expressed concern for my health. It was the health issue that scared me straight. If it helps, I'm using Nutrisystem and it's the first diet I feel I could be happy on forever. I don't have to count calories or carbs, all that work is done for me. I just eat strictly portion controlled meals and as many veggies as I want, and I don't feel like I'm giving anything up. I actually feel great.

I would definitely have him get a complete physical...have his T levels checked, thyroid etc. and have him ask if any meds he takes might cause weight gain/appetite increase. 

As for sex, let me say, that though H and I have other issues, over 25 years together our sex life has only gotten better for the most part over time... even the times I was larger. Like others have said a lot of sex is mental. Because I felt sexy and he still wanted sex the weight never stopped us. And I can also attest that as I have aged (I am 46 now) I know a lot more about what I like and don't like in bed, and the longer you are with your partner the safer it feels to try new things and experiment. Like you, I had difficulty reaching O in my early twenties (for me it was due to a past trauma). But, after working through those issues in therapy and exploring myself with and without my husband I not only reach O, but multiple Os. For me it was partly a mental block and partly that it almost always requires clitoral stimulation to get there... Many women are like this. My advice like others have said, is yes to vibrator/hitachi... and be sure to try it on the clitoris as well as vaginally as it may be more effective that way for you. See if your H will do it for you... let him watch you do it for yourself... you get the idea. Enjoy!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

anonmd said:


> Buy a vibrator and figure yourself out.


This. I don't use one anymore, but once you do, and you have the O of your life, then you will be able to guide your husband in how to please you.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I would be tempted to follow him to the gym to see if he's actually going. You can't exercise that many hours a week and not change. Likely he is getting snacks from somewhere too. If that's the case, you might be at the point of an ultimatum. Love is ACTION, not words. If he can't put in the effort to be a good husband, he doesn't deserve you.

If he actually is exercising, it's time to see a doctor to work out why it's not working! It's not just your sex life and relationship at stake, but his health and life span (you know this - he has to realize it). 

As for awesome sex, I feel like after I had children I knew my body much better and had much stronger full body orgasms. Sex gets better with experience and awareness. Might be time to ebay a range of toys till you work out something that works for you (do this either way, you owe it to yourself to work out the O  )


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> K. I have a serious objection to the advice I have seen on this thread about getting a vibrator. (OP I am being silly here... kind of.) It should be a Hitachi magic wand. Ok for the uninitiated get a regular vibe first. Get acclimated. THEN get a Hitachi magic wand. A Hitachi Magic Wand. End of story.


We have one, and it is awesome! It makes her have an O, even when she doesn't want to!


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

A woman's vibrator is like a man's best friend. Helps him get the job done faster and more efficiently so he can have his turn and get to sleep that much faster.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lHde90j said:


> .....But now that we're married, I don't feel like anything is inhibiting me. I REALLY want to be able to orgasm, but in the moment when we're having sex, I honestly don't really think about it. It's only after we're done (more like after he's done) that I lie there in bed thinking "Wow, that sucked. I'm so unsatisfied and still very horny."
> 
> ....... I know this will sound terrible, but to be honest, his weight COMPLETELY repulses me! I find him absolutely disgusting from the neck down. I love him (his mind, his personality, his soul) with everything in me, but when it comes to his body, I find him disgusting and a total turn-off.
> 
> ...


Assuming this is all real, you are your biggest problem. He doesn't want to have sex with you because you have made it clear you find him repulsive and you don't view him as an adequate lover. Very few men would want to have sex with a woman like that.

Personally I would rather masturbate than put up with that. Harsh, yes, but think about what emotional abuse he must feel. 

You have made this all his problem with you being the victim. You are part of the problem. I strongly suggest you read the M W Davis book the Sex Starved Wife and learn about what you can do to change yourself and improve things. Your post screams out for your doing a "180."



Herschel said:


> The only way he can lose weight is by himself. You can give him all the tools, but he has to determine what he is going to do. ...


Absolutely correct.

However, I am reminded of a radio talk show where the female host said it was just about impossible to make a husband loose weight.

A wife called up and said no, it is really easy and she had gotten her husband to loose 60 pound quite quickly.

Since she was his wife, she knew how to motivate him. She sat him down and said she loved him and wanted him to live a long time so the could have lots of fun in retirement, but to do that he would have to take better care of himself. She told him that she would help motivate him. For every 10 pounds he lost, he could buy her any outfit he wanted her to wear in the bedroom. She got some really strange outfits, but the weight came off him really quickly. 

Obviously, until the husband feels loved and wants to have sex with the OP, this method won't work. But if she changes herself first, does some 180's, she may be able to provide her husband with some reward or positive reinforcement for "his" decision to loose weight.



lHde90j said:


> ...For his exercise, he goes to the local gym. I don't have a membership (I hate gyms) so I've never seen him workout. *He's very self-conscious about working out in front of me*......


Again IHde90j, you are part of the problem. You need some tough love and introspection.

Every gym I have ever belonged to has had guest limited passes. you can go with him a few times and work out on adjacent treadmills or elliptical trainers. If he is as overweight as you say, then just hand in hand walks in your neighborhood, a park or a shopping mall would be a great start. There are things you can do........if you want to improve things.

You are not a victim, unless you want to be one. If you can't first change yourself, then set him free so he can be loved by a woman who really wants him. Even then to be happy you will need to work on changing yourself.

Good luck


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> We have one, and it is awesome! It makes her have an O, *even when she doesn't want to*!


When IS this? Who would not want to?


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> We have one, and it is awesome! It makes her have an O, even when she doesn't want to!


I hate when that happens.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> We have one, and it is awesome! It makes her have an O, even when she doesn't want to!


I agree... there's a reason it's called the Magic Wand


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

lHde90j said:


> I make his protein smoothie for him in the morning, which is about 500 calories. Then for lunch, what I pack him is usually around 400-500 calories. I'll also send him some pieces of fresh fruit or nuts as snacks while he's a work, so an additional 200-300 calories. For dinner, we usually just have a small green salad, which we eat at least 3 hours before going to bed to aid digestion.
> 
> For his exercise, he goes to the local gym. I don't have a membership (I hate gyms) so I've never seen him workout. He's very self-conscious about working out in front of me. I think it's because of all his jiggle. I love the outdoors & offer for him to come join me on my hikes or swims, but he says he's not in good enough shape to do that yet & keep up with me. :| He's had personal trainers in the past & done CrossFit, but I didn't notice any significant results from that, and he stopped the personal trainer after 3 months due to finances.


Well, when he comes home from the gym does he resemble a drowned rat and smell like a gym sock? If not, well, he's either not going or he's sitting there on his phone. If he does, he's got to be "supplementing" his meals.

Regardless, he needs to want this for him. If he isn't motivated for himself it's just not going to happen. Honestly, he probably knows that you're revolted by him and that has driven him further down.

You need to find another tactic to motivate him. Do you all have kids? Plans for any?


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

41362 said:


> Well, when he comes home from the gym does he resemble a drowned rat and smell like a gym sock? If not, well, he's either not going or he's sitting there on his phone. If he does, he's got to be "supplementing" his meals.
> 
> Regardless, he needs to want this for him. If he isn't motivated for himself it's just not going to happen. Honestly, he probably knows that you're revolted by him and that has driven him further down.
> 
> You need to find another tactic to motivate him. Do you all have kids? Plans for any?


He doesn't looked like a drowned rat  but he does usually have red cheeks. Then again, I don't know how hard he's working out. I think I'll get a guest pass & go to the gym with him, even though he doesn't like exercising with me there.

No, we don't have kids. We planned on starting to try once he loses the weight. 

He knows I'm turned-off by his fat, but I want to make it clear: I still tell him REGULARLY that I love him & that I'm willing to help him get through this. Just because I don't find him physically attractive doesn't mean I don't love him. So he knows that. That's not the problem. Personally, I can't think of any better motivation to lose weight than to be attractive again to your spouse! The only rewards that seem to work for him are food rewards, like having cake or fast food once or twice a week, but that totally counteracts all the healthy eating & exercise we're trying to get him to do consistently.

Also, he knows junk food is not allowed. We're not just trying to get him to lose weight, but we're also trying to make him healthier so that he has the healthiest sperm when we're ready to conceive. I'm a nutrition educator & love to cook, so I make everything from scratch at home. The good thing is that he loves my cooking. I just think he's eating behind my back still, too. I'm going to recommend he go see a counsellor or therapist because I think he has a food addiction.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@lHde90j

Working out 60-90 minutes, 4-5 times a week, along with reducing the amount of food eaten; will result in weight loss.

I would guess that he is walking on the treadmill at 2 m.p.h., for 30 minutes; then going for a fast food run.

And although you don't necessarily have the best sex life in your 20's; I would say that most people do. Or, it was good in a way that it can never be good again. Lots of erections for a (healthy) guy, *you* get wet really easy (or are almost always wet naturally). When you're in your 20's; that is the best looking that you are ever going to be.

A person *might* lose weight in your 30's or 40's and look great. That person would have looked even greater in their 20's. There's no substitute for youth.

Your energy levels, physical flexibility, sense of adventure---yes, those things _can_ increase with age----but probably not.


I say these things to you to prevent you from procrastinating; thinking that, "well sex gets better when you get older".

Not necessarily. By the time your husband gets to his mid/late 40's, he'll probably be dealing with some kind of ED due to aging. Your own body won't be "better" in your 40's or 50's---at the very best, you could maintain it, but never improve on it. And if you have kids, your body is going to change.

Take action now, if you want a good sex life.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> He knows I'm turned-off by his fat, but I want to make it clear: I still tell him REGULARLY that I love him & that I'm willing to help him get through this. Just because I don't find him physically attractive doesn't mean I don't love him. So he knows that. That's not the problem.
> 
> *Telling your spouse he is physically repulsive is a problem, sorry, it just is. *
> 
> ...


You sound a little controlling, it would be oppressive to me.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

anonmd said:


> You sound a little controlling, it would be oppressive to me.


I feel like I need to be the motivator because he seems to have no motivation of his own, only when I continually bring up what needs to be done & what he needs to do. That's the only time he does anything good for his health.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @lHde90j
> 
> Working out 60-90 minutes, 4-5 times a week, along with reducing the amount of food eaten; will result in weight loss.
> 
> ...


I don't know what other action I personally can take without controlling every single little thing my husband does (which yes, despite some comments, I do realise is bad & unhealthy for any relationship, particularly a marriage).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lHde90j said:


> He doesn't looked like a drowned rat  but he does usually have red cheeks. Then again, I don't know how hard he's working out. I think I'll get a guest pass & go to the gym with him, even though he doesn't like exercising with me there.
> 
> No, we don't have kids. We planned on starting to try once he loses the weight.
> 
> ...


So food rewards motivate him. So help him with that.

look at the keto diet and/or some kind of carb rotation diet. with carb rotation he can have some treats during the week. then make him low carb treats and even get him to make them.

For example you can make a great low carb cheese cake.

But with carb rotation is can have a piece of cake or two a week and still lose weight, just not half the cake.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lHde90j said:


> ....No, we don't have kids. We planned on starting to try once he loses the weight.
> 
> He knows I'm turned-off by his fat, but I want to make it clear: I still tell him REGULARLY that I love him & that I'm willing to help him get through this. *Just because I don't find him physically attractive doesn't mean I don't love him.*
> 
> .....*I'm going to recommend he go see a counsellor or therapist because I think he has a food addiction*.


First, hold of on the kids.

Actually not finding him physically attractive (you earlier implied repugnant), does mean you don't love him.

Finally, you BOTH need counseling, but for different things. You aren't going to get where you want by having him just loose weight. You both have a lot of changing to do.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I honestly don't understand how people gain so much weight.

you have to really put in some effort to gain 100 lbs. it doesn't just happen. 10-20, I can see how that could just happen if you're lazy. 100+ is like another human jumping inside your shirt for a ride. crazy.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

lHde90j said:


> I feel like I need to be the motivator because he seems to have no motivation of his own, only when I continually bring up what needs to be done & what he needs to do. That's the only time he does anything good for his health.


There's a very thin line between motivator and controlling.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Anon1111 said:


> 100+ is like another human jumping inside your shirt for a ride. crazy.


:lol:


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> My husband and I have been married for 2 years and dated for 6 years before that
> 
> My husband has always been on the bigger side (lineman in football body type) but he's gained 100 lbs. in the past 2 years while I've remained the same.





> I'm a nutrition educator & love to cook, so I make everything from scratch at home.



I'm curious, how did he gain a hundred pounds while being your bf./H for the last 6 years. Especially since his weight gain started when you got married, 2 years ago?

I mean, you are nutrition educator who loves to cook from scratch at home?:scratchhead:

I don't suppose that after you got married, he was angry that he was going to have to eat vegetables, whole grains, low-fat dairy and lean cuts of meat?

And he decided to "show you"? IOW, deliberately eat garbage outside of the house; because you cook only health stuff at home?





lHde90j said:


> I don't know what other action I personally can take *without controlling every single little thing my husband does* (which yes, despite some comments, I do realise is bad & unhealthy for any relationship, particularly a marriage).


Yes, that is the point. You CANNOT control him. Not only every little thing he does----you can't control any other adult human at all. He has to do this because he reasonable, and sees the sense in it.





EleGirl said:


> look at the keto diet and/or some kind of carb rotation diet. with carb rotation he can have* some *treats during the week. then make him low carb treats and even get him to make them.
> 
> For example you can make a great low carb cheese cake.
> 
> But with carb rotation is can have* a piece of cake* or two a week and still lose weight,* just not half the cake*.




The low carb/Atkins/Paleo diets can be a good idea for those who cannot/will not portion control.

I had family members do Atkins, when I was a kid in the 70's. They could eat all the bacon, steak, cheese, cream and sugar free Jell-O etc, etc, that they wanted. The massive amounts of protein and fat are obviously going to make you feel full. 

You have to gradually add in some fruits and vegetables.

Could/would your husband do this?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> I honestly don't understand how people gain so much weight.
> 
> you have to really put in some effort to gain 100 lbs. it doesn't just happen. 10-20, I can see how that could just happen if you're lazy. 100+ is like another human jumping inside your shirt for a ride. crazy.


I *completely* agree.

According to the OP, this guy has *not* had a lifelong weight problem - he gained this 100 pounds in the last TWO YEARS.

Whether it's hormonal or caused by depression or whatever, he seems to have NO ambition whatsoever to tackle the problem. I'll bet he's 'going to the gym' - more like he's going to Burger King and Wendy's every night.

It's also very possible he's doing what a lot of people do - once they 'land' their mate, they think it's OK to just let themselves go. I'm kind of amazed that everyone is hanging the responsibility for his crap behavior on the OP, as though he's some kind of victim and it's HER job to motivate him, HER job to cook for him, HER job to monitor every single thing he puts in his moth, and HER job to be his cheerleader 24/7.

What about *accountability* here? He wasn't morbidly obese when she married him so obviously, something has happened in the last 2 years. Has he *bothered *to go to a doctor and get a full check up to SEE if this is a medical issue? Has he bothered to do anything other than LIE and claim he's not eating anything he shouldn't be and pretending that he's working up a sweat at the gym?

That's great that the OP is knocking herself out to make all these low calorie dishes from scratch and doing everything SHE can to support his supposed weight loss, but when does* HE *pick up the damned ball and run with it?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> He doesn't looked like a drowned rat  but he does usually have red cheeks. Then again, I don't know how hard he's working out. I think I'll get a guest pass & go to the gym with him, even though he doesn't like exercising with me there.
> 
> No, we don't have kids. We planned on starting to try once he loses the weight.
> 
> ...


One thing I did when I lost 50 pounds was to take one day a week off.
I would be good all week and then eat ANYTHING I wanted on Saturday. When I say anything, I mean anything and everything.
I still lost weight. 

Might be something your husband could try.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> I honestly don't understand how people gain so much weight.
> 
> you have to really put in some effort to gain 100 lbs. it doesn't just happen. 10-20, I can see how that could just happen if you're lazy. 100+ is like another human jumping inside your shirt for a ride. crazy.


It's a mental thing. For myself, I would basically eat to sooth myself. Problems at work? Get home and eat ice cream.
Wife won't have sex? Eat and eat some more.
It's an addiction, a drug, at least for me.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I am getting a major controlling vibe here. It's no wonder he's rebelling.


> I think I'll get a guest pass & go to the gym with him, even though he doesn't like exercising with me there.
> 
> No, we don't have kids. We planned on starting to try once he loses the weight.
> 
> ...


So, this is what you're communicating to him:
- you're physically repulsive. 
- you're too irresponsible to actually work out at the gym, I'm coming with to make sure you do
- you're GOING to lose weight, and then make me pregnant once your sperm is good enough
- I decide when we're having a baby
- you've lost your right to chose what you eat, I decide for you because I'm smarter than you and I know best
- no junk food for you, not even a cheat day
- you need to see a therapist because you're not doing what I say

I know he appears to be irresponsible, lazy and uncaring of your feelings. But that's because you completely emasculate him, and he is rebelling to try and regain some control over his life. There is nothing men hate more than being told what to do and how to do it, by their wife. YOU are the reason he piled on the weight.

What he needs to do is OWN his problems and solve this himself, in is own way. But that will never happen with you directing him and 'helping'. 

I used to be controlling, it is a hard habit to overcome. I learned how to let go, bit by bit. And then I saw what my husband was really capable of becoming. I always thought I was 'helping', but I was only ever standing in the way and building resentment.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Is it possible that he's using the weight gain as a way of holding off on having kids? I know that awful to say but maybe he's not ready and the weight is the excuse for him to use?

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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

UMP said:


> One thing I did when I lost 50 pounds was to take one day a week off.
> I would be good all week and then eat ANYTHING I wanted on Saturday. When I say anything, I mean anything and everything.
> I still lost weight.
> 
> Might be something your husband could try.


Did the same... only a cheat meal. Not usually a day.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> I honestly don't understand how people gain so much weight.
> 
> you have to really put in some effort to gain 100 lbs. it doesn't just happen. 10-20, I can see how that could just happen if you're lazy. 100+ is like another human jumping inside your shirt for a ride. crazy.


Been there, done that...still have the 3X tshirts I got as a door prize.

It sneaks up on you, and then suddenly it's this giant mountain to climb and you have no idea"how." So, you deny, you procrastinate, you start hating yourself and what you've become... It's ugly. 

It can be done, I did it, but it's hard to start. So hard. My motivator was the real risk of diabetes...and not being around for my wife and kids. Now it's mostly the kids, but that's still enough to be in the gym three days a week, putting in long run miles three days a week, and basically eating better than I ever have before.

You can steer him, but you can't motivate him. The spark to "go" is going to have to come from inside of him.

If you'd like, ask him to read my story (it's in the signature). I think he'll identify with it. Hell, you can ask him to join TAM and put him in touch with me.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

41362 said:


> Been there, done that...still have the 3X tshirts I got as a door prize.
> 
> It sneaks up on you, and then suddenly it's this giant mountain to climb and you have no idea"how." So, you deny, you procrastinate, you start hating yourself and what you've become... It's ugly.
> 
> ...


Yes, in my case it definitely snuck up on me and fast. Even though my weight has fluctuated a bit all my life, when it got bad it got bad fast. To the point I no longer recognized myself.

It took me facing the possibility of my children losing both parents to medical issues for me to be motivated. My husband can't control his cancer but I can and will improve my weight. My kids deserve at least one parent to see them grow up.

Your role can be to provide help when he asks for it, and positive reinforcement when he doesn't. If you see him making strides, let him know you are proud of him. My H told me just last night that he was afraid commenting on my weight loss right away would make me stop trying. But when he finally mentioned that I was looking great? I got such an ego boost from it that I am more committed than ever to seeing it through to my goal.

Just a quick comment on a few diet suggestions... no one diet is right for everyone... I have tried all of them over the years. In my case Atkins was not sustainable. At the time I only needed to lose maybe 20lbs... I did that and as soon as I stopped the diet the weight came roaring back and then some. I ended up heavier than I started. So be careful that whatever plan works for him to lose is also something easy to sustain. A good diet will teach new habits for a lifetime, not just take the weight off fast.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

41362 said:


> Did the same... only a cheat meal. Not usually a day.


Yah if I did a whole day it would have skewered the weight loss.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

UMP said:


> One thing I did when I lost 50 pounds was to take one day a week off.
> I would be good all week and then eat ANYTHING I wanted on Saturday. When I say anything, I mean anything and everything.
> I still lost weight.


It wouldn't have happened unless you were determined and committed to lose weight. How long did it take to lose the 50?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Steve1000 said:


> It wouldn't have happened unless you were determined and committed to lose weight. How long did it take to lose the 50?


About 1 year


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

OP I do not think it is a good idea to join your husband at the gym. He has flat out told you that he does not like to work out with you. You should listen to him and respect his boundaries.

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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> OP I do not think it is a good idea to join your husband at the gym. He has flat out told you that he does not like to work out with you. You should listen to him and respect his boundaries...



I think the reason why she might go to the gym is the key factor.

If she is going so that she can spend time with him and be supportive I don't see a problem. Serious weight loss gym time can take a lot out of a normal couples "us time" unless something else gives. Besides, lots of studies show that exercise increases sexual desire, she might after a hard workout even want to have sex with her H.

If she is going to check up on him and make sure he works out at a certain or higher level of exercise or to boss him around, she should not go.

If he feels like she is watching his repulsive body jiggle, then no she shouldn't go.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I think the reason why she might go to the gym is the key factor.
> 
> If she is going so that she can spend time with him and be supportive I don't see a problem. Serious weight loss gym time can take a lot out of a normal couples "us time" unless something else gives. Besides, lots of studies show that exercise increases sexual desire, she might after a hard workout even want to have sex with her H.
> 
> ...


I don’t disagree with you. However, in a previous post OP said her Husband said he didn't want to work out together. She should respect that.



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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

Idun said:


> I am getting a major controlling vibe here. It's no wonder he's rebelling.
> 
> 
> So, this is what you're communicating to him:
> ...



I feel like I became controlling due to the weight gain. I used to not control anything & let him do his own thing, and look where that got him: 100 lbs weight gain in just under 24 months! I'm scared to think of what will happen if I let him do his own thing again. I really don't know if I can be married to someone who is 400+ lbs! Of course, if that happens, he'll probably die in the next few decades anyway (a fact that he is aware of, but doesn't seem to be a good enough motivator for him to lose weight).


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Is it possible that he's using the weight gain as a way of holding off on having kids? I know that awful to say but maybe he's not ready and the weight is the excuse for him to use?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


I really don't think so. He's a very family-oriented man & wants to have kids/a big family. We both want children equally.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

41362 said:


> If you'd like, ask him to read my story (it's in the signature). I think he'll identify with it. Hell, you can ask him to join TAM and put him in touch with me.


Thank you!!


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> OP I do not think it is a good idea to join your husband at the gym. He has flat out told you that he does not like to work out with you. You should listen to him and respect his boundaries.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


I agree, but on the flip side, how do I actually know he's going to the gym & working out? He's proven to me in the past that I can't trust his word about dieting, because I would find out he had tossed the lunch I made him & gone out to eat with co-workers instead. This has happened on several occasions & I'd find out through photos posted on Facebook or the very occasional receipt in his pocket when I do laundry, though he's pretty good about erasing his paper trail of his eating habits. 
When I talk to him about this, he tells me that the only way I can trust him again is by him proving his word is good to me again. But I still have yet to see that happen. It's like he knows what the issue is & he knows he needs to win my trust back, but he somehow can't! SO FRUSTRATING!!! I don't know how to help him anymore! I suggested counselling to him & he said he's think about it.

(Also, the only things I don't trust him on pertain to diet & exercise. I trust him completely on everything else in our lives and marriage, & he has never given me a reason to doubt him on anything not pertaining to diet & exercise).


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> I agree, but on the flip side, how do I actually know he's going to the gym & working out? He's proven to me in the past that I can't trust his word about dieting, because I would find out he had tossed the lunch I made him & gone out to eat with co-workers instead. This has happened on several occasions & I'd find out through photos posted on Facebook or the very occasional receipt in his pocket when I do laundry, though he's pretty good about erasing his paper trail of his eating habits.
> When I talk to him about this, he tells me that the only way I can trust him again is by him proving his word is good to me again. But I still have yet to see that happen. It's like he knows what the issue is & he knows he needs to win my trust back, but he somehow can't! SO FRUSTRATING!!! I don't know how to help him anymore! I suggested counselling to him & he said he's think about it.
> 
> (Also, the only things I don't trust him on pertain to diet & exercise. I trust him completely on everything else in our lives and marriage, & he has never given me a reason to doubt him on anything not pertaining to diet & exercise).


I know it's frustrating and I realize it's a huge hurdle in your marriage. But be careful. Respectfully, you sound like his mother. You can only support him so much. There's a real fine line between supportive and controlling and from where I sit, you're dangerously close to being the food and workout police.

Look, he's an adult. He KNOWS it's a problem. You cant make him do anything, frankly. Sounds like right now in his life, he doesn't want it bad enough.Then you're left with whether you can live like this. 

Don't go to the gym with him. I'm telling you, he'll grow really resentful if you do. I'm hopeful of the fact he's open to counseling. Try that route first. 



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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Hold's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get (or stay) married if there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Violating 1 is bad. But violating 2 is 100 times worse. Do not even think of having kids with your husband if you do not find him sexually desirable. If you hear your clock ticking, more reason to divorce him quickly and go find someone else.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> I know it's frustrating and I realize it's a huge hurdle in your marriage. But be careful. Respectfully, you sound like his mother. You can only support him so much. There's a real fine line between supportive and controlling and from where I sit, you're dangerously close to being the food and workout police.
> 
> Look, he's an adult. He KNOWS it's a problem. You cant make him do anything, frankly. Sounds like right now in his life, he doesn't want it bad enough.Then you're left with whether you can live like this.
> 
> ...


I agree. I think OP could be crossing the line into being controlling. As soon as I found out that he was dumping his meals, I would stop making them. You can't change him. You can't "fix" him. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lHde90j,

Sometimes, the reason people put on weight is to put a barrier between them and others, or someone else. This could be his way of creating an environment where sex is not part of the relationship. Or he needs emotional space from you and the weigh gives it to him.. it can be a passive aggressive way of protecting himself emotionally.

And the more you try to control him, the more you try to "help" him the more he needs the barrier. It's all very subconscious of course.

I think you need to back off and either just accept him as he is and let him decide if and when he loses weight or you need to not accept him as he is and leave him. Those are the only two choices that make any sense.

If you stay with him, you can still make healthy food. But what he eats is up to him.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@lHde90j

A lot of folks here are seeing you as controlling. And none of us knows you.

To me, it sounds like you are desperate; and want to help your husband do the right thing.

But the sad, pathetic, depressing truth is, that even if your husband knows that eating healthy is the right thing-----if he doesn't want to do it, he isn't going to do it.

Some people are happy to "dig their grave with a fork".

I have to say again, this weight gain has taken place, since you got married. This is significant.

Prior to marriage, did you live together? If you didn't, what were his eating habits when he was single---and still fairly thin?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

This is a very interesting experiment where a personal trainer added a lot of weight in a very short period of time.

Its a MUST Watch.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdwSR9RhkM0


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lHde90j said:


> I agree, but on the flip side, *how do I actually know he's going to the gym & working out? He's proven to me in the past that I can't trust his word about dieting,* .....


You are not his mother. Stop acting like it. He needs to take responsibility for his weight. You can support his decisions, but you can't make them for him.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Lay off OP. At this point you are driving this man away

BTW it isn't that hard to put on 100 lbs. Depending on your metabolism, genetics, etc, storing fat may be your thing. I have a few sets of twins - and in each set one is like me (thicker) and one is like mom (thinner). There is no question genetics has a lot to do with it

Lay it out for him. You can't be married to him if he doesn't lose xxx lbs on his own over the next two years. Be honest because that's what I hear.

Then let HIM take 100% control. He'll wait, do nothing, expecting you to mother him. PROVE to him you respect him enough to make a choice to stay married to you.

Then over the next two years, get marriage counseling and IC and work both your stuff out.

That's the only solution IMO if you expect a long term relationship. Good luck. 


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @lHde90j
> 
> I have to say again, this weight gain has taken place, since you got married. This is significant.
> 
> Prior to marriage, did you live together? If you didn't, what were his eating habits when he was single---and still fairly thin?


No, we didn't live together till we got married. After college, he lived with his parents then with roommates then on his own. I think he just ate a standard American diet before we got married... nothing out of the norm. He was a lineman on the high school football team & exercised moderately throughout college. He was always bigger simply because of his build (tall, wide shoulders), but was never obese & always had somewhat defined muscles. That all started to change a couple months into our marriage.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> This is a very interesting experiment where a personal trainer added a lot of weight in a very short period of time.
> 
> Its a MUST Watch.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdwSR9RhkM0


OH MY GOSH!!! This is so relatable!! I'm showing this to my husband. Thank you!!! :grin2:


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

lHde90j said:


> No, we didn't live together till we got married. After college, he lived with his parents then with roommates then on his own. I think he just ate a standard American diet before we got married... nothing out of the norm. He was a lineman on the high school football team & exercised moderately throughout college. He was always bigger simply because of his build (tall, wide shoulders), but was never obese & always had somewhat defined muscles. *That all started to change a couple months into our marriage.*



Once again, (sorry to beat this to death), but why then?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

lHde90j said:


> He knows I find him repulsive physically.


I think that is the ultimate demotivator...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Once again, (sorry to beat this to death), but why then?


That is the million dollar question! I have no idea! Nothing really changed in our relationship or marriage at that time, & if anything, our professional lives got better/less stressful. The only thing I can think of is that he subconsciously started to see himself as "settled down", & thus could let himself go.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

soulpotato said:


> I think that is the ultimate demotivator...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One would think, right? I know that information would definitely motivate me (which is why I shared those feelings of mine with him in the first place). Apparently it doesn't bug him enough to motivate him, though. Or more like it does motivate him, except to eat more instead of workout more.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lHde90j said:


> That is the million dollar question! I have no idea! Nothing really changed in our relationship or marriage at that time, & if anything, our professional lives got better/less stressful. The only thing I can think of is that he subconsciously started to see himself as "settled down", & thus could let himself go.


He felt safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

lHde90j said:


> I really don't think so. He's a very family-oriented man & wants to have kids/a big family. We both want children equally.


Well, then maybe you have a talk centered around this. You can tell him that you're tired of "riding" him about his diet and excercise and that you'll try and stop doing it. That you realize he has to be the one to decide how he is going to treat his body. That said, tell him your apprehensive (or a nicer word..."concerned?") about kids because of the potential health issues facing him not too far down the road. That the idea of being a single mother in ten years isn't a draw. Nor is being his caregiver at that early age.

Before this talk, maybe have his doc lay out this consequences for the path he's choosing. Vascular issues, diabetes, amputation... fun stuff.

Then let it go.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

lHde90j said:


> One would think, right? I know that information would definitely motivate me (which is why I shared those feelings of mine with him in the first place). Apparently it doesn't bug him enough to motivate him, though. Or more like it does motivate him, except to eat more instead of workout more.




I think you misunderstand men. This is so emasculating that it is demotivating.

"Bugging" a man often means you are demonstrating contempt, disgust, and certainly a lack of admiration.

Please read "his needs her needs" and you will see you respect and admiration are probably TOP needs AFTER sex. In one fell swoop all his needs are wiped out - and furthermore he hears that even if he worked his butt off - literally - he has lost the admiration and respect.

The only thing I can think of that is equivalent is if he completely stopped talking to you, quit his job, and became totally unreliable. That would hit a lot if your needs I suspect.

Don't think this is about weight or fat.

BTW I started my diet today and I'm targeting 70 lbs with a nearer term target of 30 by the end of the year. I understand quite a lot if this but my W has never been anything but supportive of me and has never directly mentioned my weight.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I think that the OP needs to read MW Davis and figure out what a 180 is, as what she is doing and wants to do is clearly not working.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What has happened with the orgasm issue? Is your DH aware you aren't having orgasms? Is this something you guys discuss? 

I didn't have an orgasm with my DH for 18 years, but we had never discussed it at all. I could orgasm on my own though. Most women can't have PIV orgasms. It doesn't happen on accident. For me personally it has to be oral or vibrator, clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time. 

I'm not really a believer in mental blocks, I find that too convenient of an excuse. I think most non orgasming women have a stimulation problem or an intimacy problem. My issue was definitely because sex wasn't providing me with adequate physical stimulation. I was just feeling warmed up by the time it was over. However, I was surprised how difficult it was to become sexually intimate with my DH and tell him the things I never had before. We both had to sexually grow up a lot. 

As far as your DH weight issue - there is nothing you can do. That is on him. You aren't sabotaging him when he is trying to diet. Like with so many things in life you can't will him to be what you want. You've already disclosed that this is a turn off to you. There's nothing more to be said. Work on yourself, keep yourself busy working on yourself. People have their burdens to bear. We don't have to like it but we need to accept we only have so much control. What if your situation were reversed? What if DH said you were too skinny and he wasn't going to be attracted to you unless you gained 50 pounds. And then he micromanaged what you ate and did in order to make you into what he wanted you to be, not what you are?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

To further elaborate on my comment re:mental blocks. I feel this suggests a switch in your mind can be flipped and you will start having orgasms during sex. I find this belief too simplistic. We are dealt the physical cards we are dealt. Learning to orgasm especially with a partner is something that has to be worked at and learned by both parties. 

I mean yeah there are those ladies who had an orgasm the first time and every time and whatever. But there are a lot of women that don't. I have 2 close friends married 20+ years and no orgasms with their DH. They will not, do not, talk to their husbands about sex. Ever. Like I used to be with my DH.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

It does not make sense to me you have not had sex for 5 months, it is a major issue for you, yet you have not mentioned in 7 pages what conversations you two have had about the lack of sex. Maybe I missed those posts?

You state you are attempting to limit his diet to About 1600 kcalories a day if my math is right, and he is a 6ft man weighing 300lbs and working out 5 times a week. Yet, according to this site, https://www.supertracker.usda.gov/bwp/index.html, he should be able to eat 2300 kcals per day and not change his exercise habits and lose 100lbs in a year.


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## lHde90j (Aug 23, 2016)

Stumbled across this old account and old post of mine, so I thought I'd give an update:

We're coming up on our 5th anniversary soon. I took the advice given here and worked on myself. I started seeing a therapist, since my husband couldn't commit to going to one with me. Therapy helped me unpack a lot of my sexual baggage. It took a lot of work, but I was finally able to bring myself to touching myself in a sexual way with my hands (something I couldn't bring myself to do before due to what I was taught about masturbation as a child and teen) and using a vibrator (I got a better quality one, since the cheap one I'd tried before was a p.o.s). I had my first orgasm half a year ago. Since experiencing an orgasm, my libido has skyrocketed and I find I'm able to look past my husband's fat during sex, use the vibrator on myself during sex since it's just a clit vibrator, and finally get some sexual release that way. Me initiating sex multiple times a week has increased by husband's confidence and has improved our relationship as a whole (not to mention it's made me way less stressed/controlling... who would've guessed that all I needed was a good orgasm lol). 

My husband, still 6'0", is now somewhere around 350lbs. Since I started backing off about his diet and exercise routine, his weight gain has slowed, though it's still continued. He now also has high blood pressure; his last reading at the dr's office was 163/113. His doctor recommended he lose weight, which my husband says he wants to do. That last dr's visit was about 3 months ago. I've come to the conclusion that it's his life and his body and he's going to do with it as he sees fit.

We now also have 2 children, both young and close in age. I'm hoping that once they're older and running around and doing sports, he'll realize just how immobile and inactive he's become. Maybe that will motivate him to get healthy, since having a sexy body for himself and his wife to both enjoy isn't motivation enough. He's a wonderful father and I love spending time with him. I've accepted the fact that we probably won't have one of those 50+ year marriages, even though we both married in our early/mid 20s, so I'm trying to enjoy every minute with him as best I can.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I'm going to be blunt here but there's no winner in this. Once a spouse request the other spouse regarding weight mainly losing weight to look better really comes off distasteful. There's no nice way to express it no nice way to encourage it. From what little I read you seem to "brow beat him" about his weight. The truth is he can only do this for himself just being honest.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

jlcrome said:


> I'm going to be blunt here but there's no winner in this. Once a spouse request the other spouse regarding weight mainly losing weight to look better really comes off distasteful. There's no nice way to express it no nice way to encourage it. From what little I read you seem to "brow beat him" about his weight. The truth is he can only do this for himself just being honest.


Ya....
No

Hes unhealthy. He's setting a bad example for his kids.

This isnt shallow, it5common sense.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

jlcrome said:


> I'm going to be blunt here but there's no winner in this. Once a spouse request the other spouse regarding weight mainly losing weight to look better really comes off distasteful. There's no nice way to express it no nice way to encourage it. From what little I read you seem to "brow beat him" about his weight. The truth is he can only do this for himself just being honest.


Health related issues aside, there's an extreme level of disrespect for your spouse shown when one lets themselves go. I wouldn't stand for it myself. Putting on 10lbs after having a kid is one thing. Putting on 50lbs because you're shovelling cheeseburgers down your throat is very disrespectful to your partner, not just yourself.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I think you misunderstand men. This is so emasculating that it is demotivating.
> 
> "Bugging" a man often means you are demonstrating contempt, disgust, and certainly a lack of admiration.
> 
> ...


I can't get here. I won't lie. If I were married to someone who became obese, I can say these things

- I would be disgusted by his body.
- I would be completely unable to to admire the unwillingness to do anything effective as with this example.
- I would NOT want to be responsible for his feelings of lack of masculinity for this.

The thing about admiration being a masculine emotional need, that should not place the requirement on a spouse to pretend to admire that which is in-admirable. I have very little patience for the notion that to provide someone's "needs" mean accepting any and all behavior like pretending they are admirable when they aren't. I will move heaven and earth to help with any self improvement that is desired. But I would not pretend I wanted to f an obese person nor would I expect my husband to. 

Man, I am mean.

OP wrt your update, I am glad you worked things out. I am just responding to this one opinion... I am glad things are better for you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> > I think you misunderstand men. This is so emasculating that it is demotivating.
> ...


I completely agree.

If you want to be admired, be admirable.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Let me chime in here. I was like your husband, just not as tall. I was 5'9" and 330lbs. I was the ex high school jock, played football and wrestled. I never learned to get my eating under control. Then, after uni, I became an accountant. Sedentary job, high stress, and I compounded the crap I put into my stomach, by developing a cigarette habit. So, one Sunday morning, a strange feeling overcomes me, and then an elephant sat down on my chest. First heart attack at 40. AND I LEARNED NOTHING. Our sex life sucked, I still smoked. I still stuck any piece of crap I could find in my mouth. So five years later, almost to the day, I am at work, on a Sunday, with a cigarette burning in the ashtray, another strange feeling came over me, this time I knew. I dialled 9-1-1 and waited for the paramedics while downing a donut or two, and sucking on a cig. Smart boy? Nope!

Now, this heart attack almost killed me. They attempted another angioplasty, and it failed. They hit me with a blood thinner, and set off a cascading clot. I was in a coma for a few days. I awoke with very little immune system, and weak as a kitten. It took years to build my resistance back up. Another side effect, turned out I was diabetic, and did not know it. So, spent ten years rebuilding. Still my weight was not in control. I joined Weight Watchers. Asked them not to tell me my weight, til I had dropped several pant sizes. Around 280 I asked. WOW, I joined at 330. Took me a good number of years. I am now 195. That is 135 lbs lost. The side effects? I can run, I can walk without getting winded. I no longer sweat when I eat. I sleep without snoring. I discovered 2 additional inches on my penis, under all of the fat. My wife and I used to have sex once a week or every other week. Now it is every other day. I look great. Just bought a suit for my kid's wedding. First suit in years. I never was a 44 regular, all of my years in the financial district, my suit size was a 56 or more. 

OP, your husband will not respond to anything right now. He is complacent in his weight, and does not really get that there are side effects to being morbidly obese. I cant stress how important it is for him to get this under control. All of us as ex jocks think we can just carry on merrily with the eating and loafing around. It comes back. I have asked my wife how she regarded me all of those years, where I wasn't really pretty to look at, and she says that I was a challenge back then.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jlcrome said:


> I'm going to be blunt here but there's no winner in this. Once a spouse request the other spouse regarding weight mainly losing weight to look better really comes off distasteful. There's no nice way to express it no nice way to encourage it. From what little I read you seem to "brow beat him" about his weight. The truth is he can only do this for himself just being honest.


The man is 6' and weighs 350 lbs and gaining. This is about more than looks - this is about this man being around to help raise his children. He's a good 180 lbs overweight.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

There's really good programs out there. Have you looked into any in your area? In Dallas, SOTA weight loss is probably one of the best programs. They have incredible results. Were talking 100+ pounds in 20 weeks, consistently shown with many different people. I'm sure there's something similar in your area.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The one thing that you absolutely got to look into is diabetes. I have known a lot of overweight men in my time. My first Weight Watcher's class was an all male. What really got me, is that nearly 75% of the class, those over 45 had become type 2 diabetics because of the weight. Now I have lost pretty much all my weight, however, I have managed to **** up my body so terribly that the diabetes has persisted. I have titrated my insulin downward, but I am still popping metformin with my meals, and still take Victoza to lower the insulin resistance in my cells, but according to my internist, I am likely going to be insulin dependent for the rest of my life. I exercise now to protect my heart, and try to keep the dangerous parts of diabetes at bay.

I do not want the diabetes to rob me of ANY appendage. My business partner has been diabetic for a decade longer than myself. She has lost 3 toes on one foot, and 2 on the other. Plus, I know plenty of guys whose diabetes left them impotent. NO GODDAMNED WAY: If they tell me I have to power lift a half ton in order to keep Mr Happy working, then I will find a way!!!!!!!!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Piggybacking off Taxman...

Fast weight loss is not NEARLY as important as HEALTHY weight loss. The worst thing he can do is go on one of those pill and injection laden programs that melts of the weight, only to have it come back.

It's a LIFESTYLE change.

This isn't a gym rat priblem; it's a medical issue.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Health related issues aside, there's an extreme level of disrespect for your spouse shown when one lets themselves go. I wouldn't stand for it myself. Putting on 10lbs after having a kid is one thing. Putting on 50lbs because you're shovelling cheeseburgers down your throat is very disrespectful to your partner, not just yourself.


I completely agree with this.

I think most reasonable people understand that life happens, so some weight due to health issues, age, pregnancy, etc is understandable.

Weight gain due to laziness violates the spirit of marriage vows.....you are not honoring or cherishing your spouse by getting comfortable and letting yourself go.

I'm athletic and I meet men who are also athletic and pay attention to health. That's a high priority for me and I expect my partner to maintain a commitment to health as much as possible.

When you willingly let yourself go you're telling your spouse that they are no longer important enough to warrant the effort. Who wants to have sex after that message?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

And you know, it is unspoken for the most part, how obesity effects the marriage. My wife would never admit it, but I was nothing to look at. By comparison, I have a body now. Still have a touch of my gut, but I have pecs and shoulders. It may sound immature, but now that I am part way there, I want the "superhero" body (Don't think I will look like Affleck any time soon), and since my wife already has a fabulous body, we look great together. And I can see that there is a difference in how we touch, make love, and do the day to day things. We are more attracted to one another. The sex is off the charts. The love and contentment meter is running quite high. All in all, getting healthy physically, enhances just about everything else.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Taxman said:


> And you know, it is unspoken for the most part, how obesity effects the marriage. My wife would never admit it, but I was nothing to look at. By comparison, I have a body now. Still have a touch of my gut, but I have pecs and shoulders. It may sound immature, but now that I am part way there, I want the "superhero" body (Don't think I will look like Affleck any time soon), and since my wife already has a fabulous body, we look great together. And I can see that there is a difference in how we touch, make love, and do the day to day things. We are more attracted to one another. The sex is off the charts. The love and contentment meter is running quite high. All in all, getting healthy physically, enhances just about everything else.


Not to mention the longevity of that happiness. I agree with POI, the program I mentioned is all about diet and Meal prep mixed with exercise. No pills or injections. Just a healthy approach that is not a bandaid, but a sustainable lifestyle. The fat melts off, you get to your target weight, and then you have no issues maintaining that weight anymore with this new lifestyle.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Not to chase a rabbit too far, but I have come to loathe the term "diet." What most of us who have struggled with weight need is not a diet, but an entirely different lifestyle with regard to food and activity. Diets tend to come with that unasked question "When can I eat normally again?"

The goal is to make healthy living your new normal.

And yes, it can suck, and yes, it does change things. I had to stop by the grocery store this morning because I had no lunch - I had forgotten it. I passed a big bin full of those movie theater candy boxes for 88 cents each. Wow - 88 cents! In the past I would have grabbed a box of Milk Duds without thinking. I love milk duds. They are bad for you and have tons of points, sugar, etc. So I didn't get them. There will never be a time I will be able to grab a box of milk duds every time I go to the store. Maybe if I actually go to see a movie at the theater, as a special treat. Wah Wah. Our local bakery just closed - been there for over 50 years. Everyone was going there this week to get a cupcake or cookies or a donut one last time. I didn't go. Wah wah.

BUT, I am off blood pressure medication, I feel better, my skin and hair look healthier, and I can wear "those jeans" again. The payoff is worth it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jlcrome said:


> Once a spouse request the other spouse regarding weight mainly losing weight to look better really comes off distasteful. There's no nice way to express it no nice way to encourage it. From what little I read you seem to "brow beat him" about his weight. The truth is he can only do this for himself just being honest.


What's distasteful is a spouse becoming a real lard azz after marriage; not only in attitude but to look at. Of course someone would want their spouse to lose weight, or better yet, never gain an inordinate amount of weight to look better. Who can feel proud going somewhere with a spouse who has a gut hanging over their belt. In my view, a spouse becoming a beached whale after marriage is highly disrespectful to the other spouse. Don't get me wrong. I like a "full figured woman" with ample breast and a butt slightly on the larger side. But if they become real porkers, I'd have a problem with that; not as much with the weight but the lack of respect toward me. (exempting weight gain from medical conditions)
I've never had a problem with weight and staying in shape. At currently 5'10"+, 200 lbs and 72 yo I'm certainly among the oldest and may be the oldest on this site. However I still have 17 inch biceps, 46 chest, 36 waist (working on it) 8 inch wrist. I work out at the gym 2-3 days a week, and exercise daily with my 6 ft marital arts staff and often throw in a little taekwondo. Over the years I've put in a lot of hours doing rather than watching but remaining in shape when you're older is well worth the effort. Hell, I can still run with the younger mid fifties and sixty year old guys.
Man or woman, if youre not in shape, get in shape. Not only will you feel better and have better health, but your spouse will like it to.


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