# Anorgasmic and a healthy sex-life???



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

SO...I feel that I've made some progress in the past couple of weeks. I don't really feel ambiguous about DHs vasectomy anymore. Instead, I am just glad we are DONE with having babies, and we can fully focus on the beautiful family that we have. I also know what feels good to me and the more sensitive parts of my body. However, I still haven't orgasmed. I was doing some reading/research the other day, and I read that up 1/3 of women haven't ever had an orgasm. I'm not sure if I believe that or not. Judging by these forums at least, I am in the distinct minority. 

I've also come to the conclusion that my husband also has a fairly LD (compared with a lot of men on these boards at least). He's satisfied with sex 2-3 times a week. Unfortunately, my physical drive for sex is very, very low. I really only feel a physical urge to have sex when I'm ovulating. I'm taking a low dose of Zoloft (an antidepressant) and that is probably impacting my drive some. I'm also still breastfeeding my 15 month-old (please don't turn this into a debate on extended breastfeeding. I don't plan to breastfeed until he's 5). 

Ironically, I'm the more sexually adventurous of the two. I like wearing lingerie and trying new things (up to an extent at least). I've suggested trying oral in the past, but he is not interested. I brought it up again a few days ago. He was like "I would probably like to receive it, but I don't think I could give it." And that's pretty much fine with me. I don't have a huge urge to try oral. I certainly don't want to pressure him to do something that he feels is gross. I wouldn't enjoy it then anyway.

Anyway, even though I can get aroused, I don't really get past a certain point of arousal when it comes to sex. Honestly, there are times when I don't get a lot of physical pleasure from it at all. I try to show him what feels good, and he tries, but it gets to the point where it's really not doing anything for me. The one time where I was (when I was ovulating) super into it, he orgasmed. Then it was pretty much over. I did feel a little deflated after that.

So most of the time I have sex with my husband for other reasons than my own physical pleasure. Basically, I do it because I love him and it makes him feel so happy. I do think it is abusive to deprive a partner of sex. This is what our sex-life consists of right now. I guess I'm wondering if you can still have a healthy sex-life if one partner is, basically, anorgasmic.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

TMI warning: 
Look up positions online that stimulate your clit while having sex. Even if it makes you blush I promise it will be worth it. My favorite position is me on top almost chest to chest going back and forth as opposed to up and down. You need to make sure you have you clit covered with spit or actual lube for the best friction. If you look up how to do this position correctly you won't be disappointed. And good foreplay helps sooooo much in working you up to the big O. FYI this is the only position I can orgasm in during vaginal sex. 

I know quite a few women who find this position to be one of the most pleasurable during sex. if you want more pressure on your clit during this position have him grab your butt with both hands and help to press you down on him harder while you do your thing. Whatever you do don't give up! Once you get that first O I'm sure sex will be much more enjoyable and frequent for you 

Edit: I could have been even more detailed and spoke of little modifications to this position that can make it even more fun too but I'm guessing I may have already hone to far in my description. Lol


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Thanks so much for your replies! I really appreciate the input. This is such an awkward thing, and it's not like I have been able to talk about my climaxing issues with other people. 

I don't mind the intrusive questions. No, unfortunately I haven't ever orgasmed with my husband. I felt like I was getting closer by myself, but I haven't even been able to masturbate to orgasm yet. I've thought about buying a vibrator, but I'd rather "get there" without it if I can. I can just see it now: "uhhh...honey. That's not quite doing it for me. Can we just stop a minute so I can grab the vibrator? " LOL I don't know though. Maybe using a vibrator for now would be a "stepping stone" to regular orgasms.

My husband does know that I'm not orgasming. I used to fake it, but I'm tired of that. I think it bothers him some that I don't orgasm, but apparently not enough for him to climax quite quickly most of the time. 

I don't really feel that I have too much on my mind during sex. What usually happens is something feels pretty good and then, as you stated, the feeling goes "flat." After that, my mind sometimes does start to wander and I start feeling like "Let me just help him climax, cuz it's not gonna happen for me." 

I'm not sure how strongly he really feels about oral. It might be a soft limit to him. He's just not very adventurous in bed. He climaxes quickly, and it's not unusual for sex (including foreplay) to be a 10 minute experience. Thanks again for your comments. I'm going to keep trying.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi momtwo4 ~

Yah ... if only it was as easy for me to orgasm as it is for my H. 

Many women have problems with orgasming, particularly in partnered sex. I think the stats are that women are generally most successful with only themselves, are more successful if they have a female partner, and are least successful at O'ing if they have a male partner.

I think the key is to do some exploration on your own first, especially if your H is on the more reserved side. Check out something like the following book to give you some ideas:

Amazon.com: The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm (9781600940231): Vivienne Cass Ph.D. Ph.D.: Books

Don't give up! If you have absolutely no success on your own or with your partner, then make an appointment with your ob-gyn. It could be that your meds or your hormonal profile are also contributing to the situation as well.

Know that you are not alone ... I think that studies have shown that up to 10% of women (that's 1 out of every 10!!) have never had an O. While that may not be comforting to know, it should let you know that you are not alone in your struggle.

Anorgasmia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Best wishes!


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I don't mind the intrusive questions. No, unfortunately I haven't ever orgasmed with my husband. *I felt like I was getting closer by myself, but I haven't even been able to masturbate to orgasm yet. I've thought about buying a vibrator, but I'd rather "get there" without it if I can. I can just see it now: "uhhh...honey. That's not quite doing it for me. Can we just stop a minute so I can grab the vibrator? " LOL I don't know though. Maybe using a vibrator for now would be a "stepping stone" to regular orgasms.*


If you haven't had an orgasm by yourself, how do you expect to have one with another person?
You know your own body better than anyone else, time to get to know yourself better.
Take ownership of your orgasm & sexuality, go in the bathroom, lock the door, take a bath & have at it.
Don't get frustrated if things don't happen right away, you may need to experiment with different stimulation & pressure. 
Hands can be just as good as a vibrator & there is nothing wrong with using toys with your husband, he might even like you to use one on him. 
You won't know unless you ask.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If trying by yourself in the bath isn't working, simply try turning on the music, sitting in bed, get you some nice warming KY and see if you can relax enough to get yourself there  

I have a feeling once you start reaching that O, your libido will shoot through the roof.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Thanks so much for the specific suggestions. FrenchFry--you weren't rambling. I enjoyed reading the post, and I have to say I admire your perseverance and how you haven't settled for mediocre sex. I love how you refer to quickies as "McDonalds Sex!" LOL That is for sure. 

I stand by my belief that depriving your partner of sex is cruel. However, I have to be honest that sometimes I just feel like I'm a tool to help my H orgasm. And that is not a fun feeling. I'm definitely not blaming my husband. This is really my fault for not taking more interest in developing my own sexuality. I think I need to help H realize that sex is not necessarily over just because he's had HIS orgasm. That's pretty much been it. He tries a little, then off and away toward his climax. It's like he has no energy to even try afterwards. As a mom, I don't mind "quickies," but it would be nice to have a longer session maybe once a week. 

I'm going to try on my own a little longer, and if I get nowhere, I will buy the vibrator. I'm also going to look into those books. "First Time Orgasm"--sounds about right. "The Elusive Orgasm"--that would describe my predicament. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When I read here that 30% of women can't orgasm and some percentage of women lose their libido almost completely and half a dozen other things, I tend to think that maybe 'the feminine mystique' is all bullsh^t and in reality there's only a tiny percentage of women who have anything like a physiological response that parallels what men are capable of understanding. Maybe anorgasmic is normal. After all women are one of the few mammals who don't have an estrus cycle which is an evolutionary adaptation to populations under constant pressure and female orgasm doesn't provide much if any evolutionary benefit. Maybe you've just convinced yourself of the existence of something that isn't there, like ghosts and such.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> "uhhh...honey. That's not quite doing it for me. Can we just stop a minute so I can grab the vibrator? " .



UMMMMM... thats EXACTLY what my wife says if it's not handy... I love watching her use it, i participate during, and will use it on her while oral or intercourse...


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> When I read here that 30% of women can't orgasm and some percentage of women lose their libido almost completely and half a dozen other things, I tend to think that maybe 'the feminine mystique' is all bullsh^t and in reality there's only a tiny percentage of women who have anything like a physiological response that parallels what men are capable of understanding. Maybe anorgasmic is normal. After all women are one of the few mammals who don't have an estrus cycle which is an evolutionary adaptation to populations under constant pressure and female orgasm doesn't provide much if any evolutionary benefit. Maybe you've just convinced yourself of the existence of something that isn't there, like ghosts and such.


Well, I can't really click "like" on that can I? Don't worry. I think most women will assure you that I AM indeed in the minority. I do think that there are some women who orgasm way easier than others for whatever reason.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

momtwo4 said:


> Well, I can't really click "like" on that can I? Don't worry. I think most women will assure you that I AM indeed in the minority. I do think that there are some women who orgasm way easier than others for whatever reason.


I'm not debating that. I'm questioning if most or many women actually mean orgasm when they say or think orgasm. At least in the way that men experience it. I'm sure women having something they call an orgasm. But what it is is subject to debate.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm not debating that. I'm questioning if most or many women actually mean orgasm when they say or think orgasm. At least in the way that men experience it. I'm sure women having something they call an orgasm. But what it is is subject to debate.


I honestly do not know. But whatever it is, it must be more than what I'm feeling. I'm sure an orgasm is different for men and women. For me, I don't usually feel physically excited when I'm having sex. It's just something that I'm doing. I enjoy being close to my husband, but that is pretty much it. I've heard women talk about how men have "rocked their worlds" when having sex. I'm definitely not the one to discuss this with. LOL


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> UMMMMM... thats EXACTLY what my wife says if it's not handy... I love watching her use it, i participate during, and will use it on her while oral or intercourse...


That's encouraging to know.


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## JackOfAllTrades (Jun 7, 2012)

You really need to get him on board with oral, giving and getting. My wife could only orgasm through oral or manual for the first 3 or 4 years we had sex, then something clicked and she became so orgasmic during intercourse that it's now her favourite way to climax. She won't even let me finish oral on her most times! Can you believe that!  Tell your husband that it's an acquired taste, like beer. It'll taste a bit funny the first few times, and then he'll want the taste of you for the rest of his life!


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