# Thoughts on setting up a sucessful retirement years marriage.



## Young at Heart

OK, I promised myself that I would leave the darkness of the CWI topic and move to the Long Term Success in marriage topic. Unfortunately when I looked at specific threads they seem to be more about troubled marriages.

So My question is, "Any thoughts on setting up a successful transition from active work life to retirement that builds one's marriage.

My wife an I are about two years out from retirement. We are healthy, like/love each other, have some shared hobbies, travel, certain activities. We are well set for retirement financially, we have all our legal documents updated. We also have individual friends and hobbies so we will not be too clingy with each other. We have further taken some seminars on active retirement and how to transition into retirement.

I have talked to many older friends who have shared some of what worked and caused problems when they retired in their relationship with their wife.

Based on all of the above, my wife of 46 years and I have decided that sometime next year we should get into some marriage counseling sessions together. Not because we have a real problem, but more in the sense of expressing our fears about life transition and getting a marriage "tune-up" before the next big change in our lives. I have seen where some MC's offer life transition counseling, whatever that might be (probably divorce, empty nest, widow(er) or death of parent).

Part of what is a huge plus and minus is all the time we can spend together doing things we like, or getting in each other's way or actively doing things to avoid each other.

I would love to hear from folk on their thoughts as to what you have seen working well as people transition from a two career family to a two-retiree family.

So far my wife wants a month or two long second honeymoon when she retires with us traveling to different countries she has always dreamed of. 

Thanks.


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## Married but Happy

We are planning extensive travel together when I retire, and are easing into it over the next few years (six trips this year). We anticipate being away from home anywhere from 10 to 26 weeks. We each have extensive interests and hobbies that we can pursue separately so that we have time alone whenever desired, but we truly enjoy spending our time with each other - having more time together will be a positive thing.

We read various articles about these transitions as we come across them, are planning for the change, and have friends who have done well moving into retirement, so I think we're pretty well prepared.


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## SunCMars

I hate retirement. I need structure.

Do all the long trips and the tedious journeys and activities sooner than later. Things that you can easily do in youth can become challenging as you age. Especially, if one of you were a lifelong couch potato [not me!]. 

You cannot count on your health or your spouses health to last. You may be healthy and your spouse gets sick and stays sick. There goes all your grandiose plans.

Keep in mind, every thing that you want to do will cost money. Lots of it. Have fun but keep an annual budget.


Plan out every year together. You can plug in the dates later. Use AAA and other providers, on occasion. Do a few bus tours.


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## SunCMars

I also enjoy going on trips with other couples.


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## jb02157

I would recommend against counseling, especially since there's nothing wrong and no real reason why. I get that you want to be abundantly prepared for retirement and in doing that I think you over did it. Counseling will just be a way for someone not familiar with you or your situation to pull and prod around at things that may not have been issues and make them issues. Counseling have nothing at stake and if they mess with the wrong thing, their apt to make either you or your wife mad when there was no reason. 

Don't over complicate things, DON'T do counseling.


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## Young at Heart

Married but Happy said:


> We read various articles about these transitions as we come across them, are planning for the change, and have friends who have done well moving into retirement, so I think we're pretty well prepared.


Maybe we should create a "reading list?"


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## 247769

Retirement is wonderful especially when you both are retired. But there are some downsides too. First the upside, your stress is reduced tremendously especially if you are empty nesters. My advice is slow down, stop and smell the roses. Don't be in a hurry to do something or get back from somewhere. Keep your relationships outside of marriage strong, you will need time and activities away from each other. Plan your day together and don't be upset if the spouse doesn't want to go with you, likewise they shouldn't get upset if you chose to pass on their choice of activities for the day, but do a lot of stuff together after all you did marry each other. 
Now for the downside. If your sex drives are opposite it's tough on the high drive spouse. You quickly realize you can have sex whenever you want and as often as you like, morning, noon or night whenever the mood strikes the problem comes when the LD spouse still searches for excuses not to have sex. 
Good luck with your upcoming retirement, I highly recommend it, it's better than I thought 👍

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone

Retirement seems to be a make or break moment for many couples......Whatever you have to do to enhance your chances of success is what you should do.....Kind of scary......


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## Diana7

Betrayedone said:


> Retirement seems to be a make or break moment for many couples......Whatever you have to do to enhance your chances of success is what you should do.....Kind of scary......


I guess the cracks(if there are any)show up far more when you are together all day.:|


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## john117

This year's interns are particularly cute. My projects are science fiction interesting. Why retire?

Seriously, the biggest change and challenge is where to live. My top retirement spots are all cool places: Cambridge MA, Lincoln Park IL, Arlington VA... 

Active retirement... Sounds like work 😎


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## Diana7

We are in a slightly different position in that my husband works from home part time and I don't work. So I suppose you could say that he is semi retired and I am retired. We dont get our pensions for another 5 years, so we still need an income and he can earn much more than me He also enjoys the work he does. 
So we are both at home and he does the work there when he gets some. Neither of us ever did any retirement courses or retirement/marriage counseling and didn't even think about it or feel we needed it. I always preferred being at home to working anyway. 

We get on really well and have never had any problems with being together all day.
We go away about twice a year, to nice parts of the UK, where we live. We have recently moved to a new part of the UK which has been good for us and a new challenge(I had lived in my last area for 32 years),so we are making new friends mainly in our really nice new church, and we each have groups we go to during the week. He started up a mens group as there wasn't one. 

We love to walk the dog, he cycles 3-4 times a week, I love reading and in the better weather we often go out exploring new places/towns/villages/parks and seek out dog friendly coffee shops! We are intending to start swimming again soon as we used to go regularly. 
We visit the children/grandchildren who are spread throughout the country, or they come and visit us. 

There is always plenty to do. I am never bored.


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## Young at Heart

peterrabbit said:


> Retirement is wonderful especially when you both are retired. But there are some downsides too. First the upside, your stress is reduced tremendously especially if you are empty nesters. My advice is slow down, stop and smell the roses. Don't be in a hurry to do something or get back from somewhere. Keep your relationships outside of marriage strong, you will need time and activities away from each other. Plan your day together and don't be upset if the spouse doesn't want to go with you, likewise they shouldn't get upset if you chose to pass on their choice of activities for the day, but do a lot of stuff together after all you did marry each other.
> Now for the downside. *If your sex drives are opposite it's tough on the high drive spouse. You quickly realize you can have sex whenever you want and as often as you like, morning, noon or night whenever the mood strikes the problem comes when the LD spouse still searches for excuses not to have sex.
> *Good luck with your upcoming retirement, I highly recommend it, it's better than I thought 👍
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


Thanks for the advice. I am HD and she is LD. At one point we had a sex starved marriage. After a few months with a nationally knows sex therapist, we reached an agreed upon sexual frequency (twice a week). I have learned that more than that is too hard on her and she has learned that less than that is too hard on me. So I think we have that one worked out.

One of my concerns is that there will come a time when either temporary or permanent medical conditions will mean less sex. One of my hopes for marriage counseling prior to retirement is to discuss and figure out and agree to what happens then. My desire is that if the body can't handle sex, then I hope that we can substitute other intimate orgasm producing behaviors to maintain intimacy and connection.


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## Young at Heart

Diana7 said:


> I guess the cracks(if there are any)show up far more when you are together all day.:|


Very true. That is why I really want to make sure to fix as many as possible and then figure out how the two of us can institutionalize a degree of flexibility for the new crack or reappearing old cracks that come to life during retirement.


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## anchorwatch

All I can say is you have to enjoy each others company. I think that's as important as being financially prepared. I've seen so many couples who are unable to get along that are quite miserable/resentful. 

We are retired a few years now. When we became empty nesters we put a lot of effort into reconnecting. It's paid off well. We are both enjoying doing things together and our individual hobbies too. If I knew it was going to be so much fun I would have done it sooner. haha 

Best


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## Young at Heart

Betrayedone said:


> Retirement seems to be a make or break moment for many couples......Whatever you have to do to enhance your chances of success is what you should do.....Kind of scary......


Very true.

I have for years done retirement planning with my wife. We have just switched from asset acquisition to tax efficiently modifying our investments for income during retirement. That was an incredible challenge.

Then their are issues of getting the home ready for retirement. They range from reducing future maintenance as we get older to allow us to remain in the home longer (gutter cleaning, types of landscaping, etc.). Doing health related modifications so we can age in the house (grab rails in the bathrooms & showers, reducing slip dangers with proper floor coverings, changing out shower nozzles so that a person can sit in a chair and shower, etc). 

Figuring out medicare supplemental health care was another planning issue.

Perhaps the one we have both been warned the most about is the unwritten and assumed expectations of each other. The "honey do" list or the assumed grandchild visitation/child care schedule.

Knowing that at some point there will be medical reasons that change our independence and figuring out how to be flexible so that a quality life together is what we have seen from others to be the biggest challenge in aging. It sure makes you believe in the "life is short" "use it or loose it" approach to living and to remaining flexible and positive in all things.

Thanks.


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## AlaMakled

Married but Happy said:


> We are planning extensive travel together when I retire, and are easing into it over the next few years (six trips this year). We anticipate being away from home anywhere from 10 to 26 weeks. We each have extensive interests and hobbies that we can pursue separately so that we have time alone whenever desired, but we truly enjoy spending our time with each other - having more time together will be a positive thing.
> 
> We read various articles about these transitions as we come across them, are planning for the change, and have friends who have done well moving into retirement, so I think we're pretty well prepared.


This sounds like a good plan! :grin2:


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## SunCMars

Betrayedone said:


> Retirement seems to be a make or break moment for many couples......Whatever you have to do to enhance your chances of success is what you should do.....Kind of scary......


Yes, true.

Now you are "stuck" in the house....hopefully NOT with a stranger. One with no common compatibilities.


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## Diana7

Young at Heart said:


> Thanks for the advice. I am HD and she is LD. At one point we had a sex starved marriage. After a few months with a nationally knows sex therapist, we reached an agreed upon sexual frequency (twice a week). I have learned that more than that is too hard on her and she has learned that less than that is too hard on me. So I think we have that one worked out.
> 
> One of my concerns is that there will come a time when either temporary or permanent medical conditions will mean less sex. One of my hopes for marriage counseling prior to retirement is to discuss and figure out and agree to what happens then. My desire is that if the body can't handle sex, then I hope that we can substitute other intimate orgasm producing behaviors to maintain intimacy and connection.


No matter how much planning you do you just don't know what will happen in the future and can't plan for every eventuality. You are very fortunate to have so much money that you can afford extensive holidays though, few have that sort of money in retirement so you won't have to worry about spending too much at least. 

To be honest we didn't see the need to worry about retirement.We get on really well together and he works part time from home and has done for many years anyway. We love doing stuff together.


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## Yeswecan

My W and I are selling everything and buying a large motor home to tour the US. When we finish the trip we start all over again.


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## 247769

Financially speaking, the earlier you start planning and saving for retirement the better off you'll be when it arrives, the same goes for emotionally planning for retirement with your spouse, it can be a blessing or a curse. Communication is key to being like minded in the activities you want to do when that day comes.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

Yeswecan said:


> My W and I are selling everything and buying a large motor home to tour the US. When we finish the trip we start all over again.


Do you have children/grandchildren?


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## Yeswecan

Diana7 said:


> Do you have children/grandchildren?


Two daughters. Today's technology....skype us! See you at Christmas and Thanksgiving! Pay our bills on the internet. :grin2:


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## Diana7

peterrabbit said:


> Financially speaking, the earlier you start planning and saving for retirement the better off you'll be when it arrives, the same goes for emotionally planning for retirement with your spouse, it can be a blessing or a curse. Communication is key to being like minded in the activities you want to do when that day comes.
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


Our initial plans for retirement fell to pieces when both of us had very unexpected divorces after long first marriages. Now we trust God for provision and our retirement in general. We can never know what the future will bring no matter how carefully we think we have planned. 
For us we didn't plan what to do when we retired, we are pretty relaxed about it. We know each other well enough to know what we each enjoy, what interests us, where we like to go etc. and we have children scattered about who we make time to visit and spend time with. We are also involved in our local church and have friends there.
I suspect that my husband will carry on working part time from home for many years yet if the work comes in as well, so that will help financially and he actually enjoys the work he does.


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## Diana7

Yeswecan said:


> Two daughters. Today's technology....skype us! See you at Christmas and Thanksgiving! Pay our bills on the internet. :grin2:


We have 5 children between us and 2 grandchildren who all live in different parts of the country(UK)so we make time to go and see them all fairly regularly(every 2 months or so, max 3 months for the ones who live furthest away). Or they come and stay with us. I couldn't bear to not see them for most of the year especially the grandchildren who when they are tiny are completely different if you don't see them for such a long time. They so love seeing us as well.:smile2:


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## Yeswecan

Diana7 said:


> We have 5 children between us and 2 grandchildren who all live in different parts of the country(UK)so we make time to go and see them all fairly regularly(every 2 months or so, max 3 months for the ones who live furthest away). Or they come and stay with us. I couldn't bear to not see them for most of the year especially the grandchildren who when they are tiny are completely different if you don't see them for such a long time. They so love seeing us as well.:smile2:


The beauty of a motor home is being able to stop by anytime! In all reality once around the country is enough. Sell off the motor home and settle in a small home near family.


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## Taxman

We were planning on retiring in our mid-60's. I was already semi-retired when I turned 55, however, the business I was involved in was uncomfortable, due to marital difficulties between my business partner and his wife. So, I decided that I'd just do some tax returns during the busy season. That was fun and it brought me back to where I started in 1979. The firm took some notice of "old-school" skills, and asked if I would not mind coming in after the busy season. That quickly ramped up to 5 days a week. By mid-fall, the principal asked if we could not make this arrangement permanent. A year later she made me a partner. I have agreed to go another ten years. I will likely start diminshing my schedule after 65. 

My wife is in a similar predicament. She was a freelance accountant for the last 10 years, and when her major client decided to close the doors, she wanted to fill in a day or so per week. She landed an electrical firm whose accountant was retiring. Same scenario, they approached her to do more and asked for two more days. She ended up dropping another client. Then, as with me, they asked if she could do another ten years. So...for two people who were going to waltz off into the sunset at 60, it looks as if we are going to shepherd our respective businesses til we are 72. Yikes. (we both really have no complaints, the businesses are both really social, and I plan on pushing the grunt work off to a few subordinates so I can concentrate on just meeting with clients-my partners and I bought out a little practice in the funky part of town, and I have made this my baby. We don't live in that part, but whenever my wife and I go out, or attend festivals in that part of our city, it is like old home week-too bad the crappy houses in that area are about $1.8-2million each)


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## Married but Happy

Yeswecan said:


> My W and I are selling everything and buying a large motor home to tour the US. When we finish the trip we start all over again.


We did this for two years after 9/11, when my highly-paid consulting job went away. It was a lot of fun! While the money lasted, anyway; then we had to settle down and get jobs again but we were only in our 40s. I think we'll do something different in retirement - but may still rent an RV occasionally for certain trips. Keep in mind that staying at RV campgrounds can be as expensive as paying a mortgage each month, RVs tend to need a lot of expensive maintenance (and gas!), and depreciate (while a house may increase in value). If you can afford the costs, then this is a _great_ way to spend a few years in retirement.


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## Yeswecan

Married but Happy said:


> We did this for two years after 9/11, when my highly-paid consulting job went away. It was a lot of fun! While the money lasted, anyway; then we had to settle down and get jobs again but we were only in our 40s. I think we'll do something different in retirement - but may still rent an RV occasionally for certain trips. Keep in mind that staying at RV campgrounds can be as expensive as paying a mortgage each month, RVs tend to need a lot of expensive maintenance (and gas!), and depreciate (while a house may increase in value). If you can afford the costs, then this is a _great_ way to spend a few years in retirement.


The RV was one thought. We do know that our home needs to be paid off. Use a car for extended road trips. Like a route 66 tour type deal. See the biggest ball of twine. Stuff like that. Seems silly to some but my W and I like road trips. 

We have signed up for Hilton and Wyndam rewards. The points allow for free nights stay here and there. AARP discounts. Yeah...going there. lol Why not? 

As it stands now we both have items as I stated in my first post that we love/hobby/activity. My W a pool which she absolutely loves. Me, classic cars of which I have two. Both of these after the initial expense cost very little to maintain but provide activity almost all year for a slew of years to come. Cars shows are plenty every weekend. The weather right the pool, beer and our outside speaker system on our wooded lot is there for the enjoyment. Not only for swimming, but each other. :wink2: 

There are several avenues my W and I could take in my retirement. I'm 52. However, my W said I can not retire because that would mean I'm old. :surprise:


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## Jessica38

jb02157 said:


> I would recommend against counseling, especially since there's nothing wrong and no real reason why. I get that you want to be abundantly prepared for retirement and in doing that I think you over did it. Counseling will just be a way for someone not familiar with you or your situation to pull and prod around at things that may not have been issues and make them issues. Counseling have nothing at stake and if they mess with the wrong thing, their apt to make either you or your wife mad when there was no reason.
> 
> Don't over complicate things, DON'T do counseling.


I 100% agree with this. If you want coaching tips on how to improve your marriage, I'd take a look at Marriage Builders. They have a lot of retired couples who frequent the forum and the founders have been married 50 years and have a great marriage. And Dr. Harley talks about how most marriage counselors have a very low success rate in improving marriages. 

I'd get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs and use that as a guide for keeping the romance and feelings of love in your marriage, which will ensure a happy retirement together. He recommends making each other your favorite companions, finding recreational activities to do together that you both enjoy, making sure that opposite-sex friends are friends of the marriage only and are treated with appropriate boundaries (this is actually a big one in retirement, from what I've read on MB), how to negotiate, and how to avoid lovebusters and annoying habits that erode love for each other.


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## Young at Heart

Jessica38 said:


> I 100% agree with this. If you want coaching tips on how to improve your marriage, I'd take a look at Marriage Builders. They have a lot of retired couples who frequent the forum and the founders have been married 50 years and have a great marriage. And Dr. Harley talks about how most marriage counselors have a very low success rate in improving marriages.
> 
> I'd get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs and use that as a guide for keeping the romance and feelings of love in your marriage, which will ensure a happy retirement together. He recommends making each other your favorite companions, finding recreational activities to do together that you both enjoy, making sure that opposite-sex friends are friends of the marriage only and are treated with appropriate boundaries (this is actually a big one in retirement, from what I've read on MB), how to negotiate, and how to avoid lovebusters and annoying habits that erode love for each other.


Thank you for your advice.

My wife and I have been to a great sex therapist/marriage counselor that helped save our marriage. We have been to a session with the Gottmans at one of their Art and Science of Love weekends. I have read more relationship books than I care to admit. We would not stand for a marriage counselor that did provide us with what we need. My wife and I are kind of type A people who demand a lot from others and are pretty good at spotting people with skills that can help us. 

So I am not afraid of firing an MC and asking for a recommendation. Having been helped by them, I am not afraid of help and will evaluate the soundness of any recommendations.


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## WilliamM

I can't contemplate retirement.

The president of the company spoke with me and said they would keep me as long as I wanted to keep working. We've explored various ideas how to use my expertise. It is unlikely I will retire any time soon.

Neither my wife nor I want to travel. To us one place looks much like another, and we spend most of our free time just paying attention to each other. But we both recognize that 24/7 of that could possibly be a bit much. Mary is mostly afraid I will be bored. Keeping me entertained could prove difficult.

Staying on focus learning things is tough if I don't think there may be a way to put my knowledge to use some time.

I know several people, all men actually, who have retired and then gone back to work after an extended vacation. You might decide to do that.

Although, we did have one theoretical mathematician who was a female who continued to work until she died, at well past 70 years of age.


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## lisacolorado

Betrayedone said:


> Retirement seems to be a make or break moment for many couples......Whatever you have to do to enhance your chances of success is what you should do.....Kind of scary......


Right? My husband has been talking retirement at 63. We've already got problems not being addressed, and I don't feel ready for him to retire at all. That's why it's scary. It sounds easy but things that have been on the back burner will now be moved forward.


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## Young at Heart

lisacolorado said:


> Right? My husband has been talking retirement at 63. We've already got problems not being addressed, and I don't feel ready for him to retire at all. That's why it's scary. It sounds easy but things that have been on the back burner will now be moved forward.


Exactly, which is why I am considering a "marriage counselor" tune-up.


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## Diana7

lisacolorado said:


> Right? My husband has been talking retirement at 63. We've already got problems not being addressed, and I don't feel ready for him to retire at all. That's why it's scary. It sounds easy but things that have been on the back burner will now be moved forward.


In what way dont you feel ready?


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## lisacolorado

Diana7 said:


> In what way dont you feel ready?


He commutes to another city most weeks of the month, and has done so for years, to the point where I like it better when he's away. I don't want to be sitting at the table listening to him chew his food and sip his coffee and do the newspaper puzzles. 

But it's becoming clear, the problem is in me and I have to solve it for myself. What can I do to be full of meaningful pursuits, that I'm not doing already? Must see to it that I find that. Otherwise I'm going to be a real ***** to live with. Or I'll leave. Acting nice about it is what I've been doing for years and I hate it.


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## Diana7

lisacolorado said:


> He commutes to another city most weeks of the month, and has done so for years, to the point where I like it better when he's away. I don't want to be sitting at the table listening to him chew his food and sip his coffee and do the newspaper puzzles.
> 
> But it's becoming clear, the problem is in me and I have to solve it for myself. What can I do to be full of meaningful pursuits, that I'm not doing already? Must see to it that I find that. Otherwise I'm going to be a real ***** to live with. Or I'll leave. Acting nice about it is what I've been doing for years and I hate it.


Sounds like you need to both get some good marriage counseling. Hopefully, you can also both get some enjoyable interests and hobbies going when he retires.


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