# I could really use your help on this situation please!



## LoveIsAll

Hi everyone,

I need your advice on a difficult “decision” I have to make. I figure that the best way to approach this question is to ask long-term successful married people in this section. 

I have tremendous respect for those who have made it this far. I need your help so please dispense with your advice.

I may seem callous but the fact is I care for both of the women in my story a lot.

So here is my story:

I was dating this girl for 8 months (let’s call her “girl”), then broke up with her to get ready to marry to my ex-girlfriend (let’s call her “finance”) that I had been dating for 4.5 years prior to this. 

I could not predict how devastated the girl was after our break-up. According to her family and friends, she was never this devastated like this in her previous relationships. 

I was heartbroken as well. I never realized that this girl loves me that much. This girl and I are compatible in pretty much lots of ways. We are both laid-back and we enjoy each other’s company a lot.

I am in such a confusing state that I need as much help as possible from people out there who have lived through a marriage life and who have chosen well. I need your help to choose wisely.

Below are more descriptions of both of them:

My fiance is an extremely well-rounded woman. She is very hard-working and so talented in many ways. She loves her family. She can handle almost anything thrown at her. She is truly a Renaissance woman. Being around her, I really don’t have to worry about a thing. We argue sometimes but are able to mend any argument. I feel comfortable to be around her but not as comfortable as the other girl. 

The other girl, on the other hand, is a lot more naïve. She loves her family as well. She doesn’t know a lot about life, yet. She has to learn but I know she is willing to do so. But she will never match my fiance in term of being able to navigate life and deal with problems thrown at her. I think she was shielded from life's problems by her parents. But she loves me more than my fiance does. Being with her, I will probably have to take care of the majority of the issues in life, which I believe I’m capable of. Somehow I suspect life would be less exciting as I have to create adventures for us??? (not sure about that one). But I feel so relaxed and compatible being around this girl. We are somehow in-tune with each other's feelings. It's scary how compatible we are: We don’t argue at all. She wants me back terribly.

I’m very sure either one of them will make a fine wife as they are both decent women without major flaws. But I am unable to discern which one will result in a happier marriage for both of us due to my lack of experience and wisdom. I'd like to have kids someday as well and I'm not sure how to choose which woman that will result in a happier family.

I will have to make a decision as I can only choose one. I have never been married before so it is so hard to imagine a marriage and what it entails with either one of them. I don’t just want to jump to conclusions, or make rash decisions that result in a subpar marriage for both of us. Living with regrets such as "I should have decided differently..." will be hard, unfortunately. Currently, my feelings for both of them are probably the same.

Anyone got an advice based on experience? Which one should I choose that will have a better chance for marital happiness?

Thank you in advance for any advice!


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## 23YearWife

What a choice, but if you plan to have children, the fiancee sounds like she'll make a much better mother. The girl may very well grow into that kind of maturity, but you can't be sure, and her falling apart so severely underscores this. I don't mean to be morbid, but you might factor in the worst case scenario. You get married. The wife gets pregnant on the honeymoon. Something happens to you -- calling all angels to make sure it doesn't! -- a month later. Who do you want to raise your child?


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## YinPrincess

Not really been married very long myself - but I have a few questions... Why did you and the ex break up? Was the girlfriend a rebound? (It seems like you may not have moved on...) Do/did they know about each other and your current situation?

Honestly - it seems like you may not be ready to marry either. If/when you want to marry someone I think you should feel sure and be 100% committed, and it doesn't seem like you are... You may always wonder "what if" about the one you didn't choose... And that wouldn't be fair to all three of you. Just my thoughts... Good luck with your decision...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveIsAll

Thanks *23YearWife* -

At this point, somehow I'm leaning towards the girl. She's giving me a month to make up my mind.

About her maturity, I believe she has achieved some levels of maturity. She's refused other proposals in the past that she didn't think fit her personality.

Regarding raising a child, you're right, the fiance is probably going to be able to handle this situation better.


*
YinPrincess* -

Thanks for your honest opinions. My ex and I broke up over the fact that she had to move 600 miles for work and we had a couple of small issues. We only broke up once. The girlfriend wasn't a rebound at all. Currently they both know about each other and my situation. Maybe I'm the immature one in this situation, really =) 

But I really need successful folks' help as I'm in such a confusing state right now.


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## PBear

I think YinPrincess has it... You don't sound ready to marry anyone.

But to give you my thoughts, as a middle aged separated guy... I wish my STBXW would have been more of a "partner" in our marriage, rather than someone that needed to be taken care of.my current GF is much more capable of being that partner than my wife was. By that, I mean that I had to make all our "major" decisions. The only input I got from m STBXW when I asked her what her thoughts were on where we should move to, buying a car or house, etc was "whatever you think is best, dear". I really wanted someone that could help shoulder the load of a home and family.

From a financial perspective, there was also an imbalance. We agreed on her not working till the kids were in school, but even at best, she made about 10% of my income. She wasn't good at maximizing our money either as she did the bulk of our shopping, when money was tight. 

Anyway, just my thoughts... I married the wrong person for me. Doesn't mean she's a bad person or that she's the wrong person for everyone.

C


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## that_girl

How old are you guys? 

Step back and just chill for a while. When you want to marry someone, there shouldn't be 'choices' in the wing  Either you know, or you don't.


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## LoveIsAll

*that_girl*,

I'm currently 33. The fiance is 34 and the girl is 27. I think at this age it's at least appropriate time for me to contemplate marriage don't you think?


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## that_girl

Why? Because society says so?

psh. I was 31 when I met my husband but was not in any rush to get married. We married when I was 33...but had I not met him, I'd have waited until I found someone awesome like him. I was a single mom for years (never married) and was willing to wait until my 50s if I had to! I have seen "starter marriages" and I didn't want one. Do you?

Why marry when you aren't sure? There is no "good age" for marriage. Just find the right person. This is a big cluster eff...more like "The Bachelor"...too much drama.

I thought y'all were younger though. I really think you need a break to see what's up.


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## 23YearWife

I always follow my instincts, LoveIsAll and I think others should, too. Interesting, though, that you called one the fiancee and the other not a woman but a girl


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## Jimena

Just a few thoughts:
-Since when has how much you love someone been measured by how devastated you are without them? Her reaction seems to be more a reflection on her coping skills than her feelings.
-Every relationship has conflict. If you're not having any disagreements, then one of you is being non-confrontational and that's an easy way to build resentment and ruin the relationship.
-Do you want to marry an equal partner or someone you always need to take care of? That's' another quick path to resentment. You also seem to put yourself emotionally above the girl, that doesn't make for a healthy balance in a relationship.
-I believe marriage should feel like the next natural progression in a relationship. It should not be forced or rushed. You may not be ready to get married. Yes, you should be thinking about it but you don't sound ready to get married. People that are ready to get married only have one person on their mind. It would not be fair to your fiance to begin a marriage you're not ready for.


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## LoveIsAll

Jimena,

Thank you for your response. Currently I'm in such a confusing state that I need as much clarity and experienced input as possible. It's truly not fair for the fiance. We set the wedding date 12 months from now.


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## MadeInMichigan

Sounds like a typical "I can save the girl and make her better" scenario.


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## LoveIsAll

*MadeInMichigan*,

Not sure what you're talking about and about which girl but certainly that didn't help. 

In this situation, I'm really in no position to save any girl or make any girl better.


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## Mr Blunt

The “GIRL vs. the FIANCE


You described two women that have strong points of:

GIRL: Strong love, great compatibility yet Naive about life

FIANCE:	Competent, hard working, Talented


A lot depends on what your personality is. 

Do you mind taking on most of life’s responsibilities? Do you like to be the one to crate adventure and excitement? If you are a strong leader and like to be the leader in most situations then the “girl” has an edge. Why do I say that? Because your name is “LoveisALL”. That tells me that you put love as number one and the “girl” wins in that category according to your posts.

If you like a very strong talented woman that can take on a lot of the leadership and responsibilities in your relationship then the Fiancé has a little edge. However, if love and compatibility is more important then that will trump the talented, competent Fiancé.

I have been married for over 30 years and in those 30+ years the good outweighs the bad. 

Here is another thing to consider. Make sure that the love that you talk about with both women is real love. The best definition of real love is described in the Bible in 1st Corinthians 13.

Secondly, make sure that which ever woman you pick that they have been nurtured in their early family life. What I mean is did the family value and love the child and did they convey that to the child. If the girl child had any deep trauma such as molestation or other such traumas stay away. It is not the child’s fault but you will have to live with the consequences for a very long time or for life.

*I strongly suggest that you really do a lot of looking into the two above (Love and nurturing).* 

Assuming that both women do not have any deep serious nurturing traumas I would favor the “girl”. For a fairly competent and strong man, * love and compatibility are better for a life long marriage relationship than competent and a talented woman.*[/COLOR]


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## moxy

You seem pretty unsure about these women. Honestly, you don't sound ready for marriage. You might as well be flipping a coin to make your decision because your commitment isn't strong to either. That will cause problems for you. Don't get married. Continue to date until you want to commit wholeheartedly to one of them or someone else.


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## MattMatt

And the reason why either girl should marry someone as flighty as you is... what, exactly?


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## LoveIsAll

Mr. Blunt,

Thank you for your response. Here's what I got from 1 Corinthians 13



"13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,* but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "*


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## EleGirl

I would be very concerned about "the girl". Her reaction to you breaking off with her is a healthy reaction. It shows that she is not emotionlly strong. It does not show that she loves you.

Never, ever marry someone who you have known for only 8 months. This is not long enough to know everything you need to know about them for marriage. It takes 18 months for the newness of a relationshop to fade so that you see the real person.


I don't know about your marrying "the fiance". But "the girl" sounds like an unwise choice.


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## MattMatt

LoveIsAll said:


> Mr. Blunt,
> 
> Thank you for your response. Here's what I got from 1 Corinthians 13
> 
> 
> 
> "13 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,* but do not have love, I gain nothing.
> 
> 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
> 
> 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
> 
> 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. "*


*

You need to make sure you are ready for marriage. Marriage is a big commitment.

Love is all well and good. But are you ready to translate the ethereal concept of 'love' into something practical, something concrete? Something to last 30 40 or more years?

I hope so.

And yes, I was blunt. As a true friend should be!

And anyone can quote from the Bible. Living it? Ah... not so easy!*


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## xena74

I agree with the others, YOU do not sound like you are ready for marriage. 

When you are in love you know it, "b*lls to bones". If you have to ask, your not there yet.

The day I realized I was in love with my Dh, I started crying and realized I could not live without him. Hit me like a truck out of no where. All these years later, I still feel it. I would give my life to save his. Yes I may be dramatic, but thats what it felt/feels like for me.


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## MattMatt

xena74 said:


> I agree with the others, YOU do not sound like you are ready for marriage.
> 
> When you are in love you know it, "b*lls to bones". If you have to ask, your not there yet.
> 
> The day I realized I was in love with my Dh, I started crying and realized I could not live without him. Hit me like a truck out of no where. All these years later, I still feel it. I would give my life to save his. Yes I may be dramatic, but thats what it felt/feels like for me.


Tears in my eyes. I had that feeling the first time I saw my wife, 23 years ago. Been some tough times, but I still feel the same way.


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## TrueNorth

While I appreciate you seeking answers I have to be honest with you. I don't think you're ready for marriage if you are seriously debating it this way. I have been married for 17 years and I am that Renaissance girl. I'm not in a happy place in my marriage right now and I do tend to side with fiancée because who wants to be married to someone who may think "I married the wrong one" when you hit a trouble spot in your marriage (and trust me, you will hit one, regardless of which girl you marry). You may feel like you "fit" with the girl, as you call her, but that's because she is naive (your words) and is being molded by you. She hasn't grown into herself yet. Do you think you have? if not, then wait and please release your fiancée so she can find someone worthy. But if you know yourself well and see yourself equal and up to the challenge of your fiancée, then do it and do NOT look back. Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

Loveisall
First of all you have shown some maturity by seeking council from those that have been in a marriage for a long time. That is commendable!

Secondly, if you take the Bible seriously you have again shown wisdom. I have been married for over 30 years and I have found the verse you quoted below as the best description of the criteria of real love. Romance and feeling are nice but they will fluctuate quite a bit and are not the best measure of solid character. Anyone can be romantic and have exciting feelings for a short period but they do not last 30+ years.

*If the person that you are going to marry has the criteria that you quoted below then those character traits are more dependable than feelings and romance IMO.* Take your time and make sure that the woman that you will marry will have those traits. Also make sure that you have those traits. If you or your selected wife does not have those traits then work at it until you get them. You are young and do not have to be in a hurry. Marriage is a very serous step and should be a decision that you make for a lifetime.

*Ask God to guide you. He is a lot more reliable and with correct answers than anyone that has replied to you including me.[/*COLOR]

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


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## Thewife

For a while forget about what these to women can give you........think what you want from a wife then see who matches that criteria more. 

Love is not something that is obvious to say this person loves me more, the way each of us express love is different. 

If I were you I will not make any decision when I am confused, leave it there for a while and take a break and decide when you feeling clear about what you want. So what you need to discover is what you want not who is better.


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## Michelleinmichigan

Break up with fiancé for now. Not fair to her.

You never really know a person, and even then people change.

The best way to know a person is know their family. A person from a traditional family has a huge advantage in having their own successful family. They know what is takes, don't have unrealistic expectations, and don't have unseen traumas of divorce that can present itself with time. Regardless of her parents being together or not, someone with a loving, faithful, and selfless mother can not go wrong in my book.

That is why picking a spouse who will be a good mother is so important. A good education is important, but someone willing to sacrifice their own needs for that of their families' is even more important.

A person who has faith is the one that can withstand the obstacles life that brings. 

Good luck,


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## Coffee Amore

You bumped a thread that's nearly a year old. According to the original poster's profile, he hasn't been back to this site since July 2012.


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