# need hope from divorced women in midlife



## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Hi, I won't post my whole story here but I am a BW, married 20 years, SAHM and have been in R for 1 year this month...just past 1year anniversary of DD2. 

I am very depressed mostly due to coming to terms with the death of the vision I had for myself when I married. I realize now (too late) that I was in total denial about all aspects of my relationship with my husband. My whole identity was tied up as his wife and as a mother. Totally my fault and my mistake. 

Anyway, my wish would be that we can survive and build a strong marriage but from reading CWI it seems the odds are against us especially with our history. 

Despite my wish I am thinking more and more about what life without my husband would be like. I am rather cynical at this point in time about relationship and don't have a strong desire to date again.

I can envision myself in a small apartment/condo in a safe neighborhood with a job which provides enough money for me to survive. It would be a drastic change in standard of life for me but I don't mind that part. 

My question is how many of you ladies who are divorced and without a partner in your late 40s are happy and fulfilled? I always envisioned myself growing old with my husband just like my parents. But I wonder if I can be happy and content alone as it seems I am heading that way. 

Just looking for some hope.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Happiness and contentment comes from within you. Look to yourself for these things.....not in someone else. Life is short, live it to the fullest. Many single people are quite happy in their life. Get your mind right, the rest will follow.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm not in my 40s but I'm in my *ahem* mid 30s and divorced and happier than I've been in a long time
Because I am independent, I am free to do what I want and with who I want, I don't have to constantly worry about someone else
I reconnected with my friends, I go out more, I'm enjoying my life

It helps that I'm financially independent I guess but the feeling of satisfaction you get from your paycheck being yours and yours alone is quite something


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you and I do know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I now see all the mistakes that I have made. I do like the idea of not having to answer to anyone and not having to worry about being lied to anymore that's why I think I have been giving so much thought to a life without H. 

Unfortunately the truth is I am really stuck and have been for a while. My IC has been doing her best with the tough love approach but has eased up as I have become increasingly depressed. 

Trouble is I don't like myself and my self esteem is very low. I am trying to get some confidence. I have been looking for work but don't have a resume since I have been a SAHM for 19 years and lack a formal education. H says I need to work since we are having some difficulties financially...income down 40% in last 4 years and college tuition to pay. I feel a lot of pressure both internally and externally.

Thank you for listening.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, I'm PAST your age limit (kind of the opposite of Dolly). I'm 55yo and have just left my H of 19yrs (together 22yrs). I was a SAHM and was NOT employed for the last 10 years.

I left him in May, got a job in June and have been ECSTATICALLY happy since! I love having my own income and the bills PAID ON TIME. I love doing things that I want to do (alone or with family/friends). I love not having to BABY a full-grown man. I love NOT having to compromise and acquiesce and constantly give-in to keep the peace.

I deserve a HAPPY LIFE, so I went out and GOT IT for myself. I'm never GOING back, I'm never LOOKING back, I'm never TURNING back.

I'm more than 1/2 way to dead, but by God, I'm going to KICK AZZ the rest of the way out of here!


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

What is CWI?

FavM; I am mid 40's married 25 yrs (together 28+) and have been (sometimes still feel) in your shoes.

The following is probably not going to be popular, and is only my opinion.

Your happiness comes from yourself.... I say, ..blah di blah. You should expect a level of behavior/treatment from your spouse and people who surround you that elicits happiness from you.


but...
You have to decide what makes you happy,
You have to decide what your boundaries are.
You have to be willing to stand by your choices.

Here is what I have learned:

Are you going to have a very rough time finding work? Survey says... probably yes.

No matter what you feel your standard is going to be.. tighten that belt a few more notches.. really. This I have seen a few times.

Are you going to get remarried? Survey says.. probably not.
(BUT that is a big probably. There are many reasons why women shose this option)

Are you going to rank yourself as "happier than before"? Survey says... yes, most divorced women do.

If you are willing to face these tough questions state and calmly and rationally find the answer to be "yes/ok".... I would say you are on a path to a different life... 

Do you have a backgroung thread of your story?


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Thank you and I do know that I am responsible for my own happiness and I now see all the mistakes that I have made. I do like the idea of not having to answer to anyone and not having to worry about being lied to anymore that's why I think I have been giving so much thought to a life without H.
> 
> Unfortunately the truth is I am really stuck and have been for a while. My IC has been doing her best with the tough love approach but has eased up as I have become increasingly depressed.
> 
> ...


WHOA, just saw this. The above items have nothing/little to do with your marriage, directly - these are depression/anxiety/financial and self image issues.

Getting a divorce is not going to fix any of these...
I think getting some work, would help your self confidence,
But you need to be 
wwwayyyyyy better established than this before you decide to end your current situation.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> My question is how many of you ladies who are divorced and without a partner in your late 40s are happy and fulfilled? I always envisioned myself growing old with my husband just like my parents. But I wonder if I can be happy and content alone as it seems I am heading that way.
> 
> Just looking for some hope.


I'm not in my late 40's but from what I've read around here and elsewhere,women in their late 40's who are single/divorced are WAY happier and more fulfilled than single/divorced women in their 20's and 30's.

While I think you should try as hard as you can to save the marriage,you also shouldn't do it at the cost of your emotional health and stability.
Being alone isn't terrible.I find the freedom is liberating and comforting.It's true your lifestyle won't be the same but that isn't a bad thing if you don't make it a bad thing.

You can either leave and be alone,sad,deeply depressed,and isolated. OR you can leave and be alone,find yourself again,cultivate your interests,branch out to the world and experience wonderful things!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If you are a happy, positive person with a sparkling personality, you won't be alone for long.

When I left a long term marriage at age 48, I had the misconception, that men my age only wanted younger women. I went on a dating site & there were plenty of interested men.


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## favoritemistake (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and perspectives. I have been through a lot of pain in my marriage but the brunt of it has just recently hit me with the revelation of his affair. You see I was "the queen of denial" for many many years and excused the imbalance in our relationship away. I always managed to convince myself that deep deep down my husband loved me equally despite his actions to the contrary. 

Anyway, the Thanksgiving through Christmas holidays have been historically hard for me. Every bad thing that has happened in my marriage has come to a head at those times...him leaving (week of Christmas he told me he didn't think he ever loved me), DD1, DD2. I think I am feeling a little extra glum because of the time of year and also the 1 year anniversary if DD2. 

My therapist says that I am not at a point yet where I am ready to leave because I am apparently not at my limit, in other words I am not in enough pain for it to be a better option for me to leave. 

I am still very much in love with my husband but feel that the chances of him leaving this marriage are very high so I am trying my best to be prepared for that. 

Ugh, I have been crying so much, I am sitting here now with tears, Just a rotten place to be.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

favoritemistake said:


> Ugh, I have been crying so much, I am sitting here now with tears, Just a rotten place to be.


It won't make it stop hurting but whenever I get this way I go for a walk...even if it's cold or blazing hot outside.Observe everything around you,little distractions are the best for snapping you out of a crying jag.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

College tuition? Don't tell me you're expected to ruin your health and well being to pay college tuition for a fully grown adult child (or spouse) when you yourself have not yet been to college? 

Also, so income is down 40%, so your family can find a way to reduce cost of living by 40%, maybe you can get a job, but you shouldn't be expected to pick up the slack to maintain a standard of living that includes a lot of luxuries. 

The college tuition thing floors me. That just sounds ridiculous. My son is 22 and he goes to a college that costs 55K a year. He has scholarships and jobs, I don't give him any money. I do work, but not excessively so that he can play while I slave...in fact I am a college student myself...and...I just woke up from an hour long nap, during the day, because I was tired. 

Self care is everything, you have to advocate for yourself and draw the line. Make sure your basic needs are taken care of, then manage your time and resources to contribute to the family, but as part of the family you alone should not turn into a wage slave, just the same amount of effort as everyone else, and everyone reduce expenses. That's fair.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

If you divorce you would be considered a displaced home maker. There are free job training programs in some areas. I would google "displaced homemaker job training" and see what comes up. 
I'm in my early forties and my life went from horrible to great. It took time to rebuild my life but it was so worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You would also most likely get alimony if you are in an alimony state. Or he might have to provide support for a few years while you get job training. 
You wouldn't be expected to pay for your children's college costs. I would talk to a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

favoritemistake - you and I are in the same age range but with some different circumstances. My ex and I separated a few years ago and just divorced this year. There was no cheating but we had both been very unhappy for years and I finally had had enough. I had a career my entire adult life so it is different from you but it was still scary when we actually separated. It can get better though. It did for me by leaps and bounds. I am sooo much more content, relaxed and less lethargic about life now. However with your depression and self esteem issues, I think what others here have said about building up your skills asap is imperative. If/when he decides to leave, you need to have something to build on and get going with in your life. Btw - this quote: "My therapist says that I am not at a point yet where I am ready to leave because I am apparently not at my limit, in other words I am not in enough pain for it to be a better option for me to leave. " - how much pain is "enough"? I don't quite get that. Does your therapist mean that you personally are not ready to move on or does s/he actually think that you need to experience more pain? I'd say knowing that your husband is messing around is "enough" pain for anyone.


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