# I can't forgive myself



## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

My husband and I were having a very rough patch 6 months ago. My sister in law got my drunk and made advances. I took them. For the past 6 months I cry everyday over my idiocy. She convinced me not to tell... well I did. She has a history of infidelity. I don't. I told him, he said its not the same because its a woman but it kind of is. He dealt with it internally a bit, and now is acting like nothing happened. He asked if there were men involved... no there weren't. He said he forgives me and loves me, but I don't forgive or love myself. I feel like the scum of the earth. I don't know what to do. Its only been 2 days since I told him. Do I believe he forgives me? Or does he secretly hate me? He looks sad. I wish I could take it back, my family (I told them, because I feel I deserve to be shamed) are very supportive and said, give him time. They also said its not the same. Am I the only one who thinks its a big deal? They also told me if I cant get over it, nobody will....if everybody forgives me... how do I forgive myself? Granted I was drunk, in a bad place and with a bad influence...I thought I was better than that... I really hate me.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> My husband and I were having a very rough patch 6 months ago. My sister in law got my drunk and made advances. I took them. For the past 6 months I cry everyday over my idiocy. She convinced me not to tell... well I did. She has a history of infidelity. I don't. I told him, he said its not the same because its a woman but it kind of is. He dealt with it internally a bit, and now is acting like nothing happened. He asked if there were men involved... no there weren't. He said he forgives me and loves me, but I don't forgive or love myself. I feel like the scum of the earth. I don't know what to do. Its only been 2 days since I told him. Do I believe he forgives me? Or does he secretly hate me? He looks sad. I wish I could take it back, my family (I told them, because I feel I deserve to be shamed) are very supportive and said, give him time. They also said its not the same. Am I the only one who thinks its a big deal? They also told me if I cant get over it, nobody will....if everybody forgives me... how do I forgive myself? Granted I was drunk, in a bad place and with a bad influence...I thought I was better than that... I really hate me.



OK, am I right in thinking your sister in law made advances on you, another girl, and you went for it..and your H isn't too bothered because you're the same sex?

Sorry, just need to clarify if I've read that correct?


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

I think I'm asking for advice from someone who has been there... or something, I could really use a response.. I just don't know what to do. My husband is my rock. He means more to me than anything in the world (besides my children) what do I do? Do I leave him alone? Do I do what I think I should do and get on my knees and beg for forgiveness? even though he has already given it to me?


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

you were drunk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

LRgirl said:


> OK, am I right in thinking your sister in law made advances on you, another girl, and you went for it..and your H isn't too bothered because you're the same sex?
> 
> Sorry, just need to clarify if I've read that correct?


Yes. But at the same time I see he kind of is... he said "I know its not the same as if it were a man, but its still sexual and outside our marriage"


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> you were drunk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very. I was throwing up for 2 days afterwards. But that doesn't make it right. He was out of town a lot then. Going to bars and playing pool with other women. I feel like my sister in law made it worse. She kept talking about what they (my BIL and H) might be doing. And giving me shots, but I took them, I did it. I trusted her. She was like a big sister. Im 24 and shes 32 btw. The husband and I have been together for 8 years (married) today.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

michzz said:


> Cheating is cheating. But what you did adds in another layer by it being presumably your first lesbian experience.
> 
> This could be bigger than "mere" cheating or you were drunk.
> 
> ...


I told them because I felt lost. My SIL was telling me I was making a big deal out of nothing, and I was confused. My family also said I was "experimenting" and to let it go. But I just felt so guilty and had so much respect for him, I thought I should tell him. I don't understand your second question. I stopped drinking hard alcohol after it happened. I also Don't drink without my husband. He doesn't think we need counseling. I spoke to one individually and they told me to tell him when the time was right and to stop drinking.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your husband has forgiven you and you have showed remorse. I would suggest that maybe you write him a loving letter and give it to him at night and be especially loving to him right now. Beating yourself up is not going to help your marriage. Work on your love and your marriage today. I wish you luck.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

One other think is that you indeed respect your husband by telling him immediately. I think that says a great deal.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Your husband has forgiven you and you have showed remorse. I would suggest that maybe you write him a loving letter and give it to him at night and be especially loving to him right now. Beating yourself up is not going to help your marriage. Work on your love and your marriage today. I wish you luck.


This is what my family keeps saying. I just feel lie I deserve to feel like crap. I really thought I was a better person. I don't know how to forgive myself for something so horrific.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

YOur husband has said he forgives you. But I suspect he is in the very early stages of dealing with this. Right now his heart and mind are probably in a state of shock. What he says tomorrow or next week could be a different thing entirely. Please know that his emotions may be all over the place for a while. He may be angry, hurt, crying and needy.... and a hundred other things before he begins to settle down.

Give him room to feel all of that. And focus more on him and not so much on yourself. You did him wrong. Quit thinking so much about YOU.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

bryanp said:


> One other think is that you indeed respect your husband by telling him immediately. I think that says a great deal.


I wish this was the case. I told him 6 months after it happened. After I decided that it wasn't " no big deal" and stopped listening to the people around me. He told me thanks for telling him, but is kind of just avoiding it. My family says if I keep pestering him about it I'll make it worse. To leave it alone. But I feel I need to show him I'm truly sorry. Fix it somehow.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

youkiddingme said:


> YOur husband has said he forgives you. But I suspect he is in the very early stages of dealing with this. Right now his heart and mind are probably in a state of shock. What he says tomorrow or next week could be a different thing entirely. Please know that his emotions may be all over the place for a while. He may be angry, hurt, crying and needy.... and a hundred other things before he begins to settle down.
> 
> Give him room to feel all of that. And focus more on him and not so much on yourself. You did him wrong. Quit thinking so much about YOU.


I understand.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

This is just a thought but what if your husband had cheated on you. What would you want him to do to prove his remorse and love to you?
Once you figure this out then do those things to him.

One other thing. Does the husband of the sister in law know what happened because he needs to be told also.

One last thing. You said your sister in law is a known cheater and engages in this sort of thing a lot. It may not be a bad idea for you to get checked for STD's as well as your husband.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Slow down---1st lets get some things straight---how old is your H---how long have you been married-------

I understand that you have been together since you were 16-----are there any kids

OK ---you screwed up, and cheated on your H----

BUT

It also is way, way, way--out of line for your H---to be going to bars, poolhalls, drinking and carousing with women---AND HE NEEDS TO BE TOLD THAT IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS

He may be sliding what you have done---because he may be doing the same thing to you----he sure as he*l is out of line, in how he deals with you and the mge

I don't think any of your family have any clue, as to what the definition of a mge is---maybe ALL OF YOU---need to start there, at what the definition of a mge is

If you have no kids---please do not bring any in to the world---until ALL of you learn what mge., is truly all about---cuz right now none of you have a clue!!!!!!


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

FS:

Please start counseling. I sense that you are struggling with this and not getting traction where you need it from those around you. It's a good idea to deal with your feelings about this separately while your H is not responding, in preparation for when he does.

I applaud your approach - now get yourself fixed so that you can be strong for your H if it does hit him.

Good Luck


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I agree with you, IT is a big deal. You cheated physically on your husband. Doesn't matter who the other person was, you cheated.

And then you lied to him for 6 months.

So yeah, it is a big deal, and it speaks volumes about you that you do feel remorse. Shows you have a sense of right and wrong.

Have you exposed to your SILs husband?

Have you cut the SIL out of your life?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You were drunk. If a guy did the same, it would be called rape. I would still call it a rape because she got you drunk.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

feelingstupid said:


> I wish this was the case. I told him 6 months after it happened. After I decided that it wasn't " no big deal" and stopped listening to the people around me. He told me thanks for telling him, but is kind of just avoiding it. My family says if I keep pestering him about it I'll make it worse. To leave it alone. But I feel I need to show him I'm truly sorry. Fix it somehow.


Victims take time to process their emotions. You need to start seeing a counselor. You are engulfed by too much guilt to be receptive of any advice. If he tells you he isn't bothered, believe him


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think Warlock makes a great point. Would this be considered rape?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> I told him, he said its not the same because its a woman but it kind of is. He dealt with it internally a bit, and now is acting like nothing happened.


If you confessed and your husband is OK with it, then why is there a problem?




> I wish I could take it back, my family (I told them, because I feel I deserve to be shamed) are very supportive and said, give him time. They also said its not the same.



Did it occur to you that your family *didn't want* you to confess this?? I have a daughter myself, if she ever did the same thing I wouldn't want her to "confess" it to me!! The only people you should have told are your husband, and your SIL's husband (if he didn't already know).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Theseus said:


> If you confessed and your husband is OK with it, then why is there a problem?
> 
> 
> 
> Did it occur to you that your family *didn't want* you to confess this?? I have a daughter myself, if she ever did the same thing I wouldn't want her to "confess" it to me!! The only people you should have told are your husband, and your SIL's husband (if he didn't already know).


Sorry, but this is awful advice and is blaming the OP for exposing herself. She cheated, she feels guilt, and she's taking corrective action to deal with it.

Frankly, the SIL is the one really being exposed here big time as a cheater who went after the OP. gotta wonder how many other times the SIL has cheated on her husband.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bryanp said:


> I think Warlock makes a great point. Would this be considered rape?


If she passed out before any sex happened, yes. But that's not what happened. She got drunk, which lowered her inhibitions. That's when she had sex with her SIL. That's not rape.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I think Warlock makes a great point. Would this be considered rape?


The only problem would be if the SIL is blackout drunk too. If she isn't, there is no argument that this is rape


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

bryanp said:


> This is just a thought but what if your husband had cheated on you. What would you want him to do to prove his remorse and love to you?
> Once you figure this out then do those things to him.
> 
> One other thing. Does the husband of the sister in law know what happened because he needs to be told also.
> ...


Well, she has cheated once, I never have. But I did have an STD check a few months ago for some medical things.. 

I would just want him to promise to be faithful and love me. I couldn't see much else he could do. I did think of it, and if he were with a woman, it would kill me, but if he were with a man, it would confuse me. I would also like to add that it was all one sided, for some reason, I knew it was wrong for me to be touched, but didn't think it was wrong the other way around. I "snapped" back to reality mid way and drove home...very drunk, another bad move


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

feelingstupid said:


> Well, she has cheated once, I never have. But I did have an STD check a few months ago for some medical things..
> 
> I would just want him to promise to be faithful and love me. I couldn't see much else he could do. I did think of it, and if he were with a woman, it would kill me, but if he were with a man, it would confuse me. I would also like to add that it was all one sided, for some reason, I knew it was wrong for me to be touched, but didn't think it was wrong the other way around. I "snapped" back to reality mid way and drove home...very drunk, another bad move


Im not saying this is ok.... I was just adding, and also wondering what in the world it means....if anybody knows..


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

feelingstupid said:


> I think I'm asking for advice from someone who has been there... or something,


Had lesbian sex with their sister-in-law? Not many people have been there.

I do think this is a big deal. Your SIL will be at family functions forever. You can't get away from her. And every time your husband sees her, he will be forced to picture her having sex with you. So you've really put a damper on every future Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, wedding, reunion, etc.

Also, you told him two days ago. He's probably in denial. That's natural. He will get angry about this. Just give him time.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Did you inform the sister-in law's husband what happened? He has a right to know this information as well.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You were drunk. If a guy did the same, it would be called rape. I would still call it a rape because she got you drunk.


No its not rape...I do feel like I was lead into it because she wanted me to be as "bad" as she is... but I participated. I remember her saying "its ok" over and over. It makes me want to throw up.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Did you inform the sister-in law's husband what happened? He has a right to know this information as well.


Yes. I don't know what is going on with them. He is also a cheater. They know how to deal with this

As to my H in bars with women... its still doesn't make me right


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

You should give your husband some time and then verify that he's forgiven you. I don't think you should harp on it. It's very possible it's not bothering him much at all.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I still think, in addition to the mess with the SIL----you have problems with your H

He is probably also in his mid 20's---when there is an admission of cheating----a very large %, have an immediate problem with what was done----and things good/bad start to happen

That didn't happen here---the H was/is indifferent---he seems in the I could care less category---why is that---could it be cuz he is married in name only, and he really doesn't care what wifey does at home, just so IT DOESN'T INTERFERE WITH HIM GOING TO BARS, POOL HALLS, AND MESSING WITH OTHER WOMEN

No one seems to wanna look at that fact----what you got here is a very dysfuntional screwed up mge---OR a mge involving a H and W, who don't really have a clue----take your pick


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

OK, this is a new one. I have never heard that drunkeness can change your sexual orientation. Feelingstupid, have you ever had Lesbian sex before? I think you should first decide if you are sexually on the same page as your husband. It really doesn't matter whether you pitch or catch, if you're straight, you shouldn't have even wanted to be in the game. Being drunk is no excuse for anything. First you need to sort your sexual identity out.
As far as your husband is concerned, he might not think it's a big deal now, while the info is new, but give him time to think about it and he, most likely, will sing a different tune. Cheating is cheating and soon he will realize that. I'm betting that this will be a bone of contention for a long time to come, and might even lead him to begin to question if he wants to be with somebody who disrespects him and who he cannot be sure even desires him. Think about it. If he went out and had sex with another man, how would you feel and how would you know where you stand ? You can't "fix" gay, and you can't "fix' cheating. You basically need to decide your sexual orientaton, if you really love and desire your husband , then you must go to the wall to prove both to your husband.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> OK, this is a new one. I have never heard that drunkeness can change your sexual orientation. Feelingstupid, have you ever had Lesbian sex before? I think you should first decide if you are sexually on the same page as your husband. It really doesn't matter whether you pitch or catch, if you're straight, you shouldn't have even wanted to be in the game. Being drunk is no excuse for anything. First you need to sort your sexual identity out.
> As far as your husband is concerned, he might not think it's a big deal now, while the info is new, but give him time to think about it and he, most likely, will sing a different tune. Cheating is cheating and soon he will realize that. I'm betting that this will be a bone of contention for a long time to come, and might even lead him to begin to question if he wants to be with somebody who disrespects him and who he cannot be sure even desires him. Think about it. If he went out and had sex with another man, how would you feel and how would you know where you stand ? You can't "fix" gay, and you can't "fix' cheating. You basically need to decide your sexual orientaton, if you really love and desire your husband , then you must go to the wall to prove both to your husband.


Orientation is fluid in most women. She hasn't said she's gay, there's no reason we should think she is.

For what it's worth, what she did wouldn't bother me so much as it doesn't sound like she liked it much and she's contrite. I'm not excusing it, but the aforementioned plus the fact that it wasn't a man surely softens the blow.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

jnj express said:


> I still think, in addition to the mess with the SIL----you have problems with your H
> 
> He is probably also in his mid 20's---when there is an admission of cheating----a very large %, have an immediate problem with what was done----and things good/bad start to happen
> 
> ...


He is 28. The bars/poolhall, etc. was happening about 6 months-1 year ago, when my stuff happened. We are over it, it was a weird time in our lives, when he was working out of town with my BIL ( the SIL's husband) I think he is dealing with it because he realizes it was in the past. Our strange aweful mix-ed up past. Our 8 year anniversary was coming up and I needed to tell him so the past was out on the table. I wanted to make sure we could move on cleanly with the rest of our lives. He is not shrugging it off, he is quiet, and I can see he is upset. But I think he is putting it in the past. Now its not fair for you to pick at my marriage like that. Yes, we have had the last year that was crazy. In 10 years together, we have messed up, but we are dealing with it. I just wanted to know how to forgive myself and put it in the past.. as I see him doing. I ignored your previous comments about children, but that too, is unfair. I am raising 2 beautiful, secure intelligent children that are well behaved and very loved. We are still growing up, and mistakes will be made. I just wanted some support from those who have been in (quasi) similar situations. I don't appreciate your hostility.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

BrockLanders said:


> Orientation is fluid in most women. She hasn't said she's gay, there's no reason we should think she is.
> 
> For what it's worth, what she did wouldn't bother me so much as it doesn't sound like she liked it much and she's contrite. I'm not excusing it, but the aforementioned plus the fact that it wasn't a man surely softens the blow.


Sexual orientation is no more fluid in women than it is in men. To say it is, is sexist. Women aren't any more likely to be gay than men are. If she had gay sex , it means that she is receptive to it, and has nothing to do with her drunkeness. Feelingstupid needs to do some soul-searching before she can deal with the cheating aspect.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

I also find it odd that no one in your family thinks this is a big deal, particularly since it's obviously disturbing to you. I am very sorry you are in this situation.

I would suggest counselling for yourself, and talk to your counsellor about how you can get closure from your husband.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> Orientation is fluid in most women. She hasn't said she's gay, there's no reason we should think she is.
> 
> For what it's worth, what she did wouldn't bother me so much as it doesn't sound like she liked it much and she's contrite. I'm not excusing it, but the aforementioned plus the fact that it wasn't a man surely softens the blow.


No, I am not gay. I am definitely confused by my actions. I'm still working on that. As for my first experience. I kissed a girl when I was 12. That's it. I think that's where he is. Because its not a man. He told me if it was it would be a different story. He also told me that he hopes I learned my lesson, because it could have been a man. He is very understanding, because we were so young when we got married, he thinks I'm "growing up" his words.

I'm very grateful for such a good man, and will never do anything so stupid again in my life, I just needed to vent, confess, and come to terms with it all...

I just spoke to him on the phone. He told me "I don't know how to feel, I don't wanna freak out on you so you don't tell me anything anymore, but I don't wanna go easy on you so you think you can do it again" He also told me that if it was a man it would be over.

I'm in for a long road, but I'm going to prove I can be a better person


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

I appreciate everybody's input. I think I will no longer be using this site. I now feel as if I am being selfish to get this off my chest. I think that when (or if) I am supposed to feel better about this, I will. until then, I need to focus on my husband and my marriage. If I remember, I will come back in a few months to update you all. 

I just wanted to say, I read some of the other posts, and I am truly sorry for everything "us" cheaters have put you through.... I see that most of "us" seem to be more inconvenienced by being caught than really trying to be right. I sure hope I can prove my love, I hope I can prove that it was a mistake.

Thanks again.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

feelingstupid said:


> I appreciate everybody's input. I think I will no longer be using this site. I now feel as if I am being selfish to get this off my chest. I think that when (or if) I am supposed to feel better about this, I will. until then, I need to focus on my husband and my marriage. If I remember, I will come back in a few months to update you all.
> 
> I just wanted to say, I read some of the other posts, and I am truly sorry for everything "us" cheaters have put you through.... I see that most of "us" seem to be more inconvenienced by being caught than really trying to be right. I sure hope I can prove my love, I hope I can prove that it was a mistake.
> 
> Thanks again.


Get some counseling though. I think you need it too. You are too wrapped in guilt to fix anything or help your husband


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

feelingstupid said:


> I appreciate everybody's input. I think I will no longer be using this site. I now feel as if I am being selfish to get this off my chest. I think that when (or if) I am supposed to feel better about this, I will. until then, I need to focus on my husband and my marriage. If I remember, I will come back in a few months to update you all.
> 
> I just wanted to say, I read some of the other posts, and I am truly sorry for everything "us" cheaters have put you through.... I see that most of "us" seem to be more inconvenienced by being caught than really trying to be right. I sure hope I can prove my love, I hope I can prove that it was a mistake.
> 
> Thanks again.


Good luck to you, Feelingstupid, and be sure to get some individual counseling to help you with your issues.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

FS, If I were you, I'd stay away from the SIL


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey FS---I don't know if you are still here---but there was no hostility in my posts---they were reactions to what YOU WROTE

When we give you an answer or our thots---they are based on what we read from what you write---------It looked from what you wrote---that your H, was out carousing, and if he was, and was messing around, that could have explained an indifferent reaction to what you did

When you further explained what is happening, and what your H is about---that puts a different light on the matter, and WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A DIFFERENT POST FROM MYSELF, AND PERHAPS OTHERS

Do not leave unhappy with us---we can only respond to what we read from your posts.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey FS---I don't know if you are still here---but there was no hostility in my posts---they were reactions to what YOU WROTE
> 
> When we give you an answer or our thots---they are based on what we read from what you write---------It looked from what you wrote---that your H, was out carousing, and if he was, and was messing around, that could have explained an indifferent reaction to what you did
> 
> ...



Im here for a moment longer. I don't mean to react that way. I am just a big mess right now. I see how it looked, but, no, it was just a strange time.

I really do love him, I hope we can get through this.
I used to be so negative towards cheaters... and I became one, its such a shame I allowed myself to act like this.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

karole said:


> FS, If I were you, I'd stay away from the SIL


I am. She is horribly upset I confessed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, it is a big deal. BUT! This does not define who you are! You did something stupid and something bad.

And you know what not to do in future. Use this to learn and grow.

Counselling might be of benefit to you.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

You sound remorseful. I would say let time do the healing, and try to forgive yourself. Your sister in Law took advantage of you in a drunken state, she needs to deal with that now. You can't control what your H is feeling, you can only take this day by day. 

Take care


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thread Jack Cleaned Up. Nuff Said!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, but this is awful advice and is blaming the OP for exposing herself. She cheated, she feels guilt, and she's taking corrective action to deal with it.


Who else is to "blame" for exposing herself? Unless I missed something, she did it (although the word "blame" is not how I would put it). No one else did. There's such a thing as overexposure, and I just think that telling family and friends outside this whole situation was the wrong thing to do. It's not their business, and chances are they didn't want to hear about it. But that's just my opinion.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Rookie4 said:


> Sexual orientation is no more fluid in women than it is in men. To say it is, is sexist. Women aren't any more likely to be gay than men are.



Actually that's not true at all. And truth can't be sexist. Studies show that women are far more likely than men either to be bisexual or to experiment with it; while men are far more likely than women to be homosexual. 

You can actually see the ratios on a roundup of various studies here, on p.4:

http://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Gates-How-Many-People-LGBT-Apr-2011.pdf


And here's a couple other articles that on the subject:

More women experimenting with bisexuality - Health - Sexual health | NBC News

lehmiller - The Psychology of Human Sexuality - Is Bisexuality Really A More Natural Tendency For Women Than*Men?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

It's okay because you were drunk. 

You can actually do it again and be okay, just make sure you're drunk this time too.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It sounds like you are showing more remorse than is typical - remorse is GREAT, so much better than someone who gets defensive and won't learn from their mistakes - but I'm a little concerned that you might be carrying this event with you almost in a posttraumatic sort of way. That's more common on the betrayed spouse end of the equation (I'm dealing with that myself, as it's just a couple months since I learned about my husband's affair). 

We don't get what soldiers get, the full PTSD thing, because we don't meet the criteria of having been exposed to a death or threat of death. But we get traumatized, and relive certain aspects of our trauma - the wayward spouses tend not to go through that as much. But you seem to be hounded by this experience, which is why I urge you to seriously consider counseling to help you process it. Going over it with your husband, who seems to be more "over it" than you are, isn't going to help HIM. But you need some help to deal with the guilt that is so heavy on your heart.

Take care of yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your current feelings of self worth are very concerning now with regards to the future choices you make and the intend to sabatoge good things that you can have latter in life.

Please see a professional before you find your self make another stupid choice "cuz you already phucked up your life"!

I want you to go through life making choices cuz you diserve good things...not cuz you diserve bad things!!!!!!!!

Go get some help!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think there are two schools of thought here.

There is a person as an adult makes a bad choice and figures there self worth is already broken and continues to make unhealthy choices.

Second there is a person that was used and abused and doesn't get it... they haven't learned that they diserve good things cuz ever since they were young they were tough that they don't diserve good things.

In both mind sets there is a great concren for self distruction and in this thread I think that years from now it will come back to bight you in the @ss when your asking your self why you do the things you do that seem to sabatoge the good things in your life.

So please get some help.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Actually that's not true at all. And truth can't be sexist. Studies show that women are far more likely than men either to be bisexual or to experiment with it; while men are far more likely than women to be homosexual.
> 
> You can actually see the ratios on a roundup of various studies here, on p.4:
> 
> ...


Thank you, Theseus, I will look this over.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

I spoke to him last night. He said that it is hurtful, and he is upset, and if it were a man it would all be over. He said it scares him that I am capable of that. He also said he wants to drop it, not talk about it and when my nephew (in the Army) comes to town, he gets a free trip to the strip club. I guess he kind of equates it to that. He seems really ok, but I also see him get quiet, and sad. I don't know how this will go, but I think he sees it as much less offensive than I do. I think that the advice has been basically unanimous, for me to stop going over it again and again and to take my lead from him.
I don't understand how someone could forgive me for this. But, I am sooooo grateful he is. He has always been very logical and forgiving, and I think he sees it as a drunk stupid mistake. He is more upset with my SIL, however I kept saying it was my fault too.
Please, if you pray, pray for my family. Pray for my H to be ok. Pray for me to learn from my mistake. I wish it was all over, and that's what he looks like he is doing, putting it all away I the past, but I really need to do the same thing. This doesn't mean I will forget my mistake and do it again...EVER... it just means I need to let go. I think its going to eat me up and kill me. I am always so careful to do the right things in my life, and I cant believe that I could do such a hugely devastating thing. 

Please pray for us.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

His coping method is to ignore it. By constantly bringing it up, you are making him relive it.

So, you don't mention it again. You stay away from GNOs (girls night out) and the hard liquor.

Needless to say, family functions will be SO MUCH FUN! If they are there, you stay GLUED to his side.

I assume you've done the basic stuff like de-friending her and losing (or BLOCKING) her phone number.

So take his lead and channel your guilt into being an incredible wife. That is your penance.

At some point he may blow up at you. Accept it with saintly peace as punishment and then move on.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

The statement "Free Trip to the Strip Club" indicates he is not over it and there is going to be continued fallout.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Feelingstupid, there are phases of behavior during reconciliation. He is in ignore/minimizing mode, but at some point, he will probably go into anger mode and you need to be prepared for it. A good website to visit is "Marriage Builders". The will give you step by step info on how to handle the situation.


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## anchorman (Mar 21, 2013)

Feelingstupid, I have been in a similar situation as your husband in that my wife had a same-sex affair and while each circumstance around infidelity is somewhat unique, I can say that I had similar feelings as your husband in that I didn't feel as threatened as I would have if it had been an affair with another man. So I guess my point is, I can validate your husband's feelings to a certain degree. 

When you say "sister-in-law" is this your husband's brother's wife or your brother's wife? Either way there is some family dynamics that will need to be addressed. If she was also a close friend then managing the relationship between you all will be critical. Protect your marriage first but also realize that the family dynamics will need to change.


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## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> The statement "Free Trip to the Strip Club" indicates he is not over it and there is going to be continued fallout.


I predict this might lead to a revenge from him.

*feelingstupid*, did I understand right, the girl you slept with is your husband's biological sister?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I will take a wag at this. I like this definition of forgiveness. Forgiveness is the highest level of acceptance; even though it happened, it no longer influences your thoughts or actions.

Honestly, I don’t think it’s possible with traumatic events. They’ll always be there and probably you’ll continue to passively monitor the world around you based on your experience. So what you are aiming for is as much acceptance as possible that this is in you and you need to monitor yourself. Start small and let it grow.

For instance, forgive yourself for getting drunk with her around. And keep at those little things like allowing yourself to drop your guard. Look for ‘normal’ stuff you shouldn’t beat yourself up over even if it is a bit ‘risky’. Keep going at it until you start having to make excuses for yourself..... you don’t need to do that with things that seem “right”. I learned to listen to that little voice whispering in my head. 

So, “drunk”... Not a great behavior, but it happens and I don’t feel a need to justify why I got drunk... just doesn’t feel “wrong” and fits into who I’m comfortable with. “Flirting with a girl”; this is something that crosses my personal boundaries of right and wrong because I’m married. I can excuse the heck out of it, but I do know internally it is still wrong. That is where I look toward ‘why’ I feel I needed to do that. In me, it usually goes back to how I feel about myself; I want to be desirable. So there is where I begin to work on myself, asking, but not expecting my wife (who is the WS) to help me out. I learn to self-soothe and get better “tools” to deal with feeling ugly.

Then move onto the ‘next thing’ I know I do that is wrong or unhealthy for the relationship. On and on plodding forward. The more I fix about me, the easier it is to accept who I am.... thus forgiveness of self for my past 'ignorance of me'.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

JCD is absolutely right. The more you talk about it; the more you make him relive it. You are forcing him to deal with it in a way that he is not comfortable to. Stop that and just be a good loving wife. When he wants to talk about it he will. When he does be understanding and supportive.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

If I might take a stab at why he sees it as less offensive than you.

Firstly, a lot of men feel this way, I believe - that female-female intimate relations aren't serious - or aren't a serious threat. (There may be biological reasons for this - I mean a woman can't make another woman pregnant, so there's no reproductive threat there.)

So it's likely that he simply doesn't see it as beingthat much of an issue.

There's also the possibility that there's an erotic component - lots of men find female-female erotica arousing (hence the large amount of that type of pornography.)

As I understand it, most affairs cause more problems due to the lies, than anything else (YMMV) - but you've been honest, open and remorseful, and it was a one off (how much stock is placed in drunkeness is a personal issue - after all, as you said, you chose to get drunk) so that takes a big problem out of the equation.

So long as you let him know that you will do what he needs - whether it's talk about it in counselling, recount whatever details you can remember, or never mention it again - and do that (even if he changes his mind - he's allowed to, and you conform to the new reality of what he wants) then I think you'll probably be doing everyting you can - and everything he needs.

Good luck.


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## feelingstupid (Apr 16, 2013)

Rags said:


> If I might take a stab at why he sees it as less offensive than you.
> 
> Firstly, a lot of men feel this way, I believe - that female-female intimate relations aren't serious - or aren't a serious threat. (There may be biological reasons for this - I mean a woman can't make another woman pregnant, so there's no reproductive threat there.)
> 
> ...


I really appreciate this. I have read it over and over this morning. It makes me feel human to see it (maybe) as he sees it, and to know I'm doing the right things. I guess I kind of just figured I would do the wrong things forever because I did a wrong thing. I hate myself for causing any kind of pain inside of him, he doesn't seem to have any, which I am so grateful for... however, it doesn't mean I am ok with my behavior, and know in my heart their will not be a re-peat.


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