# Think it might be time..but what's the next step?



## Pandamum (Nov 24, 2016)

Hi- hoping that someone might be able to give me some help- as my brain, which is normally quite efficient, has become a turmoil of doubts and I seem to have emotionally regressed to being a teenager again..despite being in my 40's!

This is due to my relationship and the stress I am enduring. 

My husband constantly blames, criticizes and puts down. I have put up with it for the sake of our children as no mother wants to break up the family unit, however I am at breaking point and there seems to be no other way than to end the marriage. I think he is messing with me, as after a long 'lecture' delivered by him on Monday where he insisted that I create a joint back account and pay in my salary and all the bills(which I pay all of at the moment) so that he can see what money I have coming in and going out-and then complaining that I am not helping him enough to work (he is self employed, but I work full time) by picking the kids up from school (usually his job as I work 9-5pm). 

I decided to make an effort and although I didn't agree to pay my salary into a joint bank account, I did set up a joint bills account so that he could see our outgoings and contribute as much as he can. But when I told him this he said he's not interested unless I have my salary paid into it- he thinks I am lying about my salary and that I get much more than I do. 

Then I agreed to take the kids to school the next day so that he could go to work early, but at 8am he was still in bed! i thought he had overslept- so woke him, and he was angry! I hadn't agreed to get to work late so that he could sleep in!

Then our daughter was ill at nursery yesterday, and they accidentally phoned him instead of me first, to ask if they could give her some Calpol. He said yes, but didn't let me know that they'd phoned. I got a call from the nursery at 3pm to ask if I could pick her up as she had got worse...but I didn't even know she was ill in the first place! I told him that this was out of order and that he should have let me know- and he was angry about that too. 

Anyway- these issues and the continued lack of love and respect have resulted in me feeling totally indifferent to our future- I don't feel sad about whether our marriage ends or not anymore- I just don't know how to approach it. But then again I worry about how things will pan out in the future- will the kids be totally damaged and resent me? 

Any help/ advice/ expereince welcome. 

Many thanks 

x


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Today is Thanksgiving.

Thanks for letting me help someone else. Wishful thinking on my part, Eh?

From what you have written, he is stressed out, stretched out, and if his stress releases; is allowed to jerk back to a new norm, he will still be Jerk Able. His mind set is not compatible with anyone female, even a canine companion would hate this guy. He is depressed, angry and blames you for his shortcomings.

Answer: Successful Marriage Counseling or Bust. 

No success? Bust out of the nest. Fly away and find another soul flight-mate.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

People who constantly blames, criticizes and puts down others are simply insecure in themselves... this often turns to bullying, which is the worst of "messing with you".

I would recommend a direct deposit anyways so you have a clear deposit record for your own benefit, but for him to insist on it is a serious manipulation maneuver formed as a lack of trust statement... very unmindful on his part.

From what you shared, it sounds like he is trying to "check out", if he hasn't fully already... you cannot control him but you can prepare yourself for anything present and future.

You can control your path here... you need to consult with legal and begin to find the best for you... because the best for you in a healthy and mindful way will flow down to your children, trust me... they need your clarity and stability right now and this doesn't appear to be it.

Offer counseling for the two of you, and if he is not interested go yourself and keep your mind moving in what you need day to day right now... the present is challenging enough, the future will follow based on the decisions you make today.

Time to disengage... this is not done in anger from you but to preserve self and protect your children, not informing you of an illness is troubling, especially when medication is applied, and begin to accept/take the role of single parent... this seems to be how it is in the present anyways.

I am sorry you are faced with this.


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## Pandamum (Nov 24, 2016)

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving!
You are right we do live very seperate lives and I do feel like a single parent.We don't share any time together..I.would love to sit on the sofa and watch a film snuggles up together but he never even sits next to me..even though I've asked..we never have a conversation, or go for a meal together..infact we haven't been out alone for 8 years since our sone was born! He helps out sometimes , like picking the kids up from school but its usually under sufferance, he doesnt't appreciate how it is something to be thankful for. Also he does whatever he wants when he wants but if I ask for some time alone, to get my hair done or meet friends he says no.. So I either have to take the kids everywhere or not go...I think he is insecure and feels undermined as he has blamed me for him not being successful in his life (even though I have supported and tried to help him at every turn). I am the breadwinner and have qualifications that he doesn't have so I think there is some jealousy there too..but short of doing a degree for him I can't do much about that! Anyway..as the house is mine, he would need to be the one to leave but I don't think he could afford to..or would do it willingly..so not sure how to.approach this..so in the meantime I am trying to ignore him and keep things 'professional' between us..until I figure this out. He won't go to counselling. 
Thank you!
X


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry Pandamum,

You need to visit a lawyer just to see what the outcome would be if you decided to kick him out and divorce him, see how the finances would work out.
Is his business making any money? Does she produce financial statements for tax purposes? Ask him to divulge what he is earning from his self employment, has he?
How do you know what he is earning?
Try to keep calm but start getting your ducks in a row. Ask the lawyer how to ensure you can walk away without having to support him and how would custody of the kids work out.
He probably feels like a eunuch as you are the main earner, you control your finances, you take care of everything basically, what do you need him for.
Perhaps you could try to get him to talk about everything, if he refuses then plan to get out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of your joint income does your husband earn?

What percentage of your joint bills does your husband’s money pay?

You say that he thinks you are not telling the truth about your income. Does he see your paystubs?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He wants your check deposited so that he has access to your money. I don't believe for a second that he thinks you are lying about the amount. I don't trust this at all, don't do it. 

Its not your problem if he cant afford to move out or not. If you want to end it, then do so...he will have to take responsibility for himself and figure it out, he IS a grownup after all. Does he work from home for his business?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

This man is not a husband, he is a selfish, self-absorbed teenager. He mooches off you instead of supporting you. He wants access to your money, wants you to do all the parenting or is unreliable when parenting is unavoidable. He provides nothing that would be expected of a loyal and loving partner. You've basically become his mum. The only way this situation could get any worse is if he gets himself a girlfriend.

Thinking back, was he always like this in your relationship, and you thought he'd improve over time? Or was there any traumatic event (job loss, failing school, illness, death in the family) that may have catalyzed this? Marriage counselling may help turn things around, if you think he would even consider it.

If it's been tried before and didn't stick, or he rejects the idea, then you really should move on to separation/divorce.

Do some research, consult a lawyer or two or three, find out what could potentially happen legally if you were to separate. I don't know what divorce laws are like where you are, but in my area, the house would have to be shared, you'd probably owe him spousal support, and the children's time would probably be shared too.

No matter how awful that sounds though, it's completely worth it to get away from this man who contributes nothing to your life, and probably precious little to your children's either. In fact, he is causing damage to your children, who will grow up thinking it's perfectly okay to behave as he is, and that this marriage you're modeling is perfectly normal. It isn't.


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