# Once a cheater, always a cheater???



## Betrayedby79 (Oct 15, 2018)

I am 32, my husband is 40. This is my first marriage, his second. He's been divorced 4 years. We have been married for 5 months. A few months before the wedding I found out that he had "reached out to an ex" and also was engaged in sexual pleasure he paid for (backpage/craigslist/happy endings). The text he sent to the ex didn't seem like it was just a casual text. But he had the nerve to tell me he only reached out to her to see what his shortcomings were because we were getting married. He must think I am some type of fool. I also found out he still had an active plenty of fish page. He apologized profusely and so I thought maybe it was a case of poor judgment and because of my love for him, I went ahead and married him anyway. Fast forward a few months ago, I saw that he was trying to pick up girls but was never going to call them so he says and he had even googled his ex wife. I was more upset about the ex because he said that they had a terrible marriage and so why would you care what she's up to now? They have no children together. He even still had her saved in his phone with her married name (his last name) with a picture of the two of them as an icon. He says he forgot to delete it...after 4 years? And googled her out of curiosity. 

I told him I was skeptical about his past and was having trouble coming to terms with his sexual history. I never saw myself loving a man who could pay for sexual pleasure. Does he not value himself or his body? Or is he a sexual deviant? His response is that he's made some questionable decisions. But I feel that he is just saying this to appease me, while I wish he could understand how disturbing this would be for a person to cope with. It never really feels like I am getting the full truth.

I feel as though he pretended to be a certain type of person and now that I've uncovered who he really is I am questioning everything. I realize now how stupid I was to have married him in the first place but what's done is done. So here I am after having been lied to numerous times with no sign that he's ever really going to own up to anything wondering if this relationship is even worth holding on to. I am lost. I have no idea where to go from here. He is unable to have children and I have already started an IVF cycle (it failed) but we have 2 eggs left. The eggs are frozen but the money is spent (>$20K to be exact). 

In anyone's experience do spouses "learn their lessons" after cheating? Should I have left him when it first occurred? Now that I stayed I feel like I have to see it through? I am so confused..


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Betrayedby79 said:


> I am 32, my husband is 40. This is my first marriage, his second. He's been divorced 4 years. We have been married for 5 months. A few months before the wedding I found out that he had "reached out to an ex" and also was engaged in sexual pleasure he paid for (backpage/craigslist/happy endings). The text he sent to the ex didn't seem like it was just a casual text. But he had the nerve to tell me he only reached out to her to see what his shortcomings were because we were getting married. He must think I am some type of fool. I also found out he still had an active plenty of fish page. He apologized profusely and so I thought maybe it was a case of poor judgment and because of my love for him, I went ahead and married him anyway. Fast forward a few months ago, I saw that he was trying to pick up girls but was never going to call them so he says and he had even googled his ex wife. I was more upset about the ex because he said that they had a terrible marriage and so why would you care what she's up to now? They have no children together. He even still had her saved in his phone with her married name (his last name) with a picture of the two of them as an icon. He says he forgot to delete it...after 4 years? And googled her out of curiosity.
> 
> I told him I was skeptical about his past and was having trouble coming to terms with his sexual history. I never saw myself loving a man who could pay for sexual pleasure. Does he not value himself or his body? Or is he a sexual deviant? His response is that he's made some questionable decisions. But I feel that he is just saying this to appease me, while I wish he could understand how disturbing this would be for a person to cope with. It never really feels like I am getting the full truth.
> 
> ...


I would leave--divorce or annulment. The bolded above answers your question. He lies, seeks illicit sex, is not husband material. 

What lesson would he learn? Cheating is embedded in his psyche.. You are 32 with much of your life ahead. Don't regret your lack of current action in 5-10 years. Acknowledging a mistake like this marriage takes courage. (There are several choices if you are saying you have frozen eggs, not embryos.) Sorry you are in this situation.


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## Annabegins (Aug 10, 2018)

Betrayedby79 said:


> I am 32, my husband is 40. This is my first marriage, his second. He's been divorced 4 years. We have been married for 5 months. A few months before the wedding I found out that he had "reached out to an ex" and also was engaged in sexual pleasure he paid for (backpage/craigslist/happy endings). The text he sent to the ex didn't seem like it was just a casual text. But he had the nerve to tell me he only reached out to her to see what his shortcomings were because we were getting married. He must think I am some type of fool. I also found out he still had an active plenty of fish page. He apologized profusely and so I thought maybe it was a case of poor judgment and because of my love for him, I went ahead and married him anyway. Fast forward a few months ago, I saw that he was trying to pick up girls but was never going to call them so he says and he had even googled his ex wife. I was more upset about the ex because he said that they had a terrible marriage and so why would you care what she's up to now? They have no children together. He even still had her saved in his phone with her married name (his last name) with a picture of the two of them as an icon. He says he forgot to delete it...after 4 years? And googled her out of curiosity.
> 
> I told him I was skeptical about his past and was having trouble coming to terms with his sexual history. I never saw myself loving a man who could pay for sexual pleasure. Does he not value himself or his body? Or is he a sexual deviant? His response is that he's made some questionable decisions. But I feel that he is just saying this to appease me, while I wish he could understand how disturbing this would be for a person to cope with. It never really feels like I am getting the full truth.
> 
> ...



You don’t have to see anything through if you don’t want to. Acceptance of past behavior does not mean you have to continue to accept the same behavior. I would give him two options: total disclosure and transparency or divorce. 

On another note, it sounds like there’s a possible sex addiction. If that’s the case, there’s nothing you can do to change his behaviors and his behaviors also have absolutely nothing to do with you. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I would say that people make mistakes and should have the ability to atone for them, work to earn trust back .... GIVEN that person was trustworthy and honorable to begin with, with good character. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like your husband is making mistakes, he's actually living out who he is, his character his lifestyle. People like this rarely and I mean rarely change and when they do, it's when they acted like this as a teenager and grew up into adulthood as a different and changed human being. We are talking about a 40 year old man here that is already established in the ways that he will live out the rest of his life. 

Sorry you are dealing with this, no one should fault you for giving him a chance when you saw all the red flags, that's a sign of your own character and forgiving nature. However, you have now been giving a 2nd chance, not at misery or pain but a 2nd chance to live the life you know you deserve but it's going to take some hard times and it's going to take letting go of this guy and letting him live the life he only knows, which isn't what you want for you or future children.


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## Betrayedby79 (Oct 15, 2018)

Thank you for the correction and advice...they are frozen embryos.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Yes, with this kind of guy, once a cheater always a cheater. 

You only know the barest tip of the iceberg of what he has done while MARRIED to you. 

What as newly weds you guys were not having sex? I doubt it.

Divorce now, and move on.

At 32 you are young, but you don't have the time to waste on a man like this...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Once one cheats, with extremely rare exception, the cheating routine is duly learned, and can be used by them whenever needed!

That's why one of my ardent dealbreakers is that if a potential spouse either admits to, or I have discovered that they have cheated in a prior relationship, then our future as a committed couple is pretty much doomed! *


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I don't know anyone who has cheated in the past and then refrained from cheating for many years. I know a lot of people whose spouses are always forgiving them because they repeatedly offend. I used to do four hours per week at RELATE and I have come to learn a lot about cheating.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Infidelity is always a choice. It's a decision. There are always other choices. Unless you held a gun to his head and forced him to have sex with someone else, it's on him not you. It's easiest to accept when you realize the simplest answer I can think of for why is, he wanted to. Really, anything else is just an excuse.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Betrayedby79 said:


> I am 32, my husband is 40. This is my first marriage, his second. He's been divorced 4 years. We have been married for 5 months. A few months before the wedding I found out that he had "reached out to an ex" and also was engaged in sexual pleasure he paid for (backpage/craigslist/happy endings). The text he sent to the ex didn't seem like it was just a casual text. But he had the nerve to tell me he only reached out to her to see what his shortcomings were because we were getting married. He must think I am some type of fool. I also found out he still had an active plenty of fish page. He apologized profusely and so I thought maybe it was a case of poor judgment and because of my love for him, I went ahead and married him anyway. Fast forward a few months ago, I saw that he was trying to pick up girls but was never going to call them so he says and he had even googled his ex wife. I was more upset about the ex because he said that they had a terrible marriage and so why would you care what she's up to now? They have no children together. He even still had her saved in his phone with her married name (his last name) with a picture of the two of them as an icon. He says he forgot to delete it...after 4 years? And googled her out of curiosity.
> 
> I told him I was skeptical about his past and was having trouble coming to terms with his sexual history. I never saw myself loving a man who could pay for sexual pleasure. Does he not value himself or his body? Or is he a sexual deviant? His response is that he's made some questionable decisions. But I feel that he is just saying this to appease me, while I wish he could understand how disturbing this would be for a person to cope with. It never really feels like I am getting the full truth.
> 
> ...


People can change but they have to be motivated to like an Olympian level. You will have to determine if he is all in so to speak. Besides that don't settle on your life. It's hard to start over, but it's harder after 10 years with a young child. You are only 32.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Betrayedby79 said:


> I am 32, my husband is 40. This is my first marriage, his second. He's been divorced 4 years. We have been married for 5 months. A few months before the wedding I found out that he had "reached out to an ex" and also was engaged in sexual pleasure he paid for (backpage/craigslist/happy endings). The text he sent to the ex didn't seem like it was just a casual text. But he had the nerve to tell me he only reached out to her to see what his shortcomings were because we were getting married. He must think I am some type of fool. I also found out he still had an active plenty of fish page. He apologized profusely and so I thought maybe it was a case of poor judgment and because of my love for him, I went ahead and married him anyway. Fast forward a few months ago, I saw that he was trying to pick up girls but was never going to call them so he says and he had even googled his ex wife. I was more upset about the ex because he said that they had a terrible marriage and so why would you care what she's up to now? They have no children together. He even still had her saved in his phone with her married name (his last name) with a picture of the two of them as an icon. He says he forgot to delete it...after 4 years? And googled her out of curiosity.
> 
> I told him I was skeptical about his past and was having trouble coming to terms with his sexual history. I never saw myself loving a man who could pay for sexual pleasure. Does he not value himself or his body? Or is he a sexual deviant? His response is that he's made some questionable decisions. But I feel that he is just saying this to appease me, while I wish he could understand how disturbing this would be for a person to cope with. It never really feels like I am getting the full truth.
> 
> ...


In his case it isn't once a cheater though is it, its multiple times. 
You should never have married him once you found out about his multiple cheatings, and its 
probably also why his first marriage ended as well. 

I think you will have nothing but misery,lies and deception if you stay, its not as if it was one thing but many. You still have plenty of time to meet a decent honest man, and have children normally, than be miserable with this liar and cheat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Betrayedby79 said:


> Thank you for the correction and advice...they are frozen embryos.



You can either go ahead alone and try again with IVF on your own, after all they are not his children, or end this marriage and meet a decent man with some moral values.


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