# I don't feel safe. Is it him or me?



## beaumusic (Jun 19, 2017)

I am 35 my husband is 47. I support us financially 70%, but even if I wasn't the main provider I still would not believe in obligatory sex or "duty sex". He is overweight and says he's depressed. He thinks sex will fix it. But he is often in a bad mood. He has been too rough in bed (including foreplay) repeatedly in the past and recently (yesterday). Yesterday after I initiated sex, I excused myself after being hit on the ass hard, and did not continue the sex. I have grown scared anticipating pain and one hard hit now turns me off completely. He says my "tastes" have changed, though we have discussed this problem for the last 2 years, with two different therapists. I don't think he sees it as a lack of control on his part, but a change in me. This has stolen my peace of mind: if he's too rough how is that my fault? I am in incredible shape, like sex a lot, feel sexually unfulfilled, and afraid of having sex with my husband, because I feel like he's taking out his emotions out on me during physical intimacy. He grew up watching men hurt his mother, so I don't understand how this could be happening to us. We have a 2 year old.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He grew up watching men do this to his mother. So that is what he learned. He's acting out what he saw. It's not all that unusual for a child who lived through, or witnessed, abuse to become abusive as an adult.

Since you have already tried counseling and his is not only not getting better, but is escalating, I think you have only one choice here. You need to leave him.

Has he ever forced you to have sex when you did not want it?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Why did you marry him? You are in great shape, bring in 70% of the money, he is 12 years older and is overweight. I think this is very important that you know this. The heart wants what the heart wants?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

beaumusic said:


> ...we have discussed this problem for the last 2 years, with two different therapists. /QUOTE]
> 
> Try a third???


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Unwelcome rough sex speaks volumes about the man and his attitude to you, none of it favourable. Your 35 and clearly the breadwinner, time to lead the better life you know you can.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Not to minimiz what is happening, but what have the therapists said? What do they suggest? How does your husband see the problem when speaking to the therapist?

I realize therapists don't take sides, but I find it highly unusual for you to have a problem like this and two therapists have been unable to help you be heard, or help you see that you're unlikely to be heard? 

Can you explain why this is?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> beaumusic said:
> 
> 
> > ...we have discussed this problem for the last 2 years, with two different therapists. /QUOTE]
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its a little difficult to get the picture of what is going on from a post, so a few questions:

Have you made it very clear that you don't want him to be rough, and what you do and don't consider rough? 

Do you enjoy some types of rough sex play and not others? Is it possible he doesn't know what you like? Or have you made it clear to him that he is too rough. 

"Rough" covers a lot of range. Are we talking about a slap on the bottom that some people might view as fun play, or beating / rape?

I'm trying to understand whether we are talking about someone who likes slightly rough sex or an abuser / rapist. The first doesn't mean that its OK, but it is a different sort of problem from the second.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

beaumusic said:


> I don't understand how this could be happening to us.


Generally speaking people project their own models and ideas of sexual pleasure onto others. This may not be so much about him controlling or taking his emotions out on you than it is his "idea" of what might bring the most pleasure for the two of you. 

There are a great number of folks out there that like a little adrenaline mixed in with sex to make it more exciting. This manifests itself in a wide variety of ways such as BDSM, extreme novelties, open relationships, and various forms of rough sex. 

So if your husband is suggesting more intimacy as a way for you to help him out of his depression, he also seems to want a little extra spark of excitement, AND you are uncomfortable with this... 

...try restraining him! Also do something for him sexually that help give him a boost of adrenaline. Something that makes the experience a little rough for him, but since you can be in control it can be very gentle and relaxing for you. 

My suggestion would be to get a TENS Therapy device (usually sold for back pain management) at your local pharmacy. Attach some adhesive pads to his hind end, and set it to "tap." If he does not do exactly what you want him to do, just crank up the intensity until he does whatever you want. This would create a sensation exactly as if you were spanking him, but a TENS unit will not harm the skin in any way as it just overstimulates the nerves until they become overwhelmed and can no longer feel pain (thus the aspect of pain management). You do not have to do anything rough to him, other than turn a dial and watch his reaction to make sure he is enjoying it. 

DO NOT just do this to him. Talk with him beforehand, make sure he understands what you want to do and that he agrees with you restraining him. Odds are he might get excited with the idea.

Hope that helps!

Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP hasn't been back that I can see. 

I think we need to understand if this is misunderstanding over kinky sex, or if this is abuse. Advice for one case doesn't apply at all to the other,


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## beaumusic (Jun 19, 2017)

No, he has not physically forced me. I have been very clear about what hurts and what not to do again. I have not been ambiguous. I have said he is too rough many times. 

Yes, many years ago we had rough kinky sex. That changed because I kept getting hurt. Trust is broken. So that can't happen now. Is that complex or confusing for men?


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## beaumusic (Jun 19, 2017)

That's the question that keeps me up at night. "Didn't the therapist say to stop doing this?" The first therapist we discussed this with, a psychiatrist, didn't do couples. He prescribes my husband's ADD meds, and only saw us together once at my request. He told my husband that you can't hurt her in bed and to stop. It was direct. He asked my husband why. I didn't understand his reasons. He said my tastes had changed and something like I tell him everything he does in bed is wrong now. But that was almost a year ago...

The next therapist, a psychologist PhD, took us awhile to find. But I only brought this up briefly last week. We always talk about something else. Wow I am avoiding talking about this. Why I am avoiding dealing with this? We've been close to sexless for the past year, handful of times. Half of it was problematic. I will bring it up again tomorrow at our next session.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not confusing to "men" but it could possibly be confusing to him.

Do you think he is intentionally hurting you during sex, or does he get carried away and lose track of how rough he is? Does he apologize afterwards or does he think you should be OK with it.

Is his interest in kink limited to being the dominant one, or does he like to be dominated himself?

Does he sometimes not stop doing things that hurt you as soon as you ask?


I'm sure you know that BDSM is all about consent. If it happens without consent its not BDSM its abuse. 








beaumusic said:


> No, he has not physically forced me. I have been very clear about what hurts and what not to do again. I have not been ambiguous. I have said he is too rough many times.
> 
> Yes, many years ago we had rough kinky sex. That changed because I kept getting hurt. Trust is broken. So that can't happen now. Is that complex or confusing for men?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

beaumusic said:


> That's the question that keeps me up at night. "Didn't the therapist say to stop doing this?" The first therapist we discussed this with, a psychiatrist, didn't do couples. He prescribes my husband's ADD meds, and only saw us together once at my request. He told my husband that you can't hurt her in bed and to stop. It was direct. He asked my husband why. I didn't understand his reasons. He said my tastes had changed and something like I tell him everything he does in bed is wrong now. But that was almost a year ago...
> 
> The next therapist, a psychologist PhD, took us awhile to find. But I only brought this up briefly last week. We always talk about something else. Wow I am avoiding talking about this. Why I am avoiding dealing with this? We've been close to sexless for the past year, handful of times. Half of it was problematic. I will bring it up again tomorrow at our next session.


You do need to bring it up. If you do not consent, then it is abuse.

If he says again that your tastes have changed, tell him that you do not believe that they have. But even if they did change, it does not matter. What matters is that you do not want to be treated that way.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

beaumusic said:


> No, he has not physically forced me. I have been very clear about what hurts and what not to do again. I have not been ambiguous. I have said he is too rough many times.
> 
> Yes, many years ago we had rough kinky sex. That changed because I kept getting hurt. Trust is broken. So that can't happen now. Is that complex or confusing for men?


Hard question. If he's injured you previously, and can't provide credible reassurances and reliably make changes to guarantee it never happens again and rebuild trust, how could it be otherwise? Feeling safe is a bedrock requirement for such vulnerability. 

Yet I do think it's often tough when men perceive that their partner used to enjoy X and no longer allows it. It may feel like moving backward, or losing one's mojo, whatever the surface explanation may be. (The common stereotype of APs enjoying kinkier/wilder sex than BHs aggravates this perception, whether there's been infidelity or not.)

None of this necessarily makes the explanation or underlying issue any less real or valid, but it complicates acceptance. "No means no"--and yet our society undeniably encourages token objections and resistance on the part of women, while setting up men to overcome them and sweep them aside through some alchemy of strength and sexual magnetism. 

Unfortunately the symbolic and the actual are easily (and sometimes conveniently) confused, particularly if there is a history of non-transparency and veiled motives in the relationship (I have no idea if this applies in your case or not). Are you always radically honest with each other, or is there a tendency to read meanings between the lines of what is literally said?

If the latter, your H may "hear" you on an intellectual plane, and yet also believe at gut level that all your reasonable objections are subconscious excuses that would mysteriously vanish, if only he still attracted you as powerfully as he once did. 

Being 12 years older, overweight and financially dependent may play into this insecurity in a big way, and could explain the compulsion to dominate you & maybe push boundaries to the point of abuse, which is inexcusable regardless of motive.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He's under-employed and his young wife makes more than he does, he's overweight, and sexually, he's clueless and acts like he was raised by wolves.

It sounds like you married a science experiment.

Since he's so 'depressed' at clearly being inferior to you, maybe he should spend his spare time *bettering* himself instead of looking to you to 'fix him' with sex. The guy is really a clueless dolt.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

next time he slaps your ass slap his balls one good slap deserves another.


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