# Sexually incompatible... (a little long)



## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Hi guys, I'm new here. DH and I have been married 5 1/2 years, together for 6. Our kids are 5 and 3. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. It wasn't a shot gun marriage by any means though. We were so caught up... We have never seen eye to eye on sex. A lot of this wasn't apparent until we were married. He thinks of sex as something dirty unless you're in love. He's had 3 partners other than me and speaks distastefully of having sex with them. The only good kind of sex to him is married "sacred" sex. No he's not a religious fanatic. I, on the other hand, was more experienced than he was and think it's ok to have sex with someone you're dating, or even a friend with no strings attached if you trust them. Sex was never dirty to me. He's made it clear to me that this is unacceptable behavior, and actually made me feel like I was wrong. He also doesn't want me to masturbate when he's not around. If I do, I end up feeling like I'm doing something wrong. I'm always afraid he'll catch me or something. So screwed up, what is he my parent?? So, as a result of this and a couple of other things I don't really want to have sex with him most of the time. I love him, he's a great father and treats me better than any previous guy, but I just keep thinking "Is this all there is?". A little background: we recently went through a foreclosure and are both stressed to the max, but these are feelings I've had for a long time. I think I can't ignore them any more. I believe that all the trauma has brought them to the forefront and I'm not able to bury them. Sex isn't the only issue. We differ in parental styles and he's unwilling to compromise. He also shuts himself down emotionally whenever anything bad happens and I'm tired of it. Has anyone been through this? Sorry for the long post...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Sounds like he is a bit of a control freak. Sex is just
one of the areas involved.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Are you sure the lack of interest in sex with him isn’t due more to the emotional shut down he displays and not the attitude toward sex. When you do/did have sex, was it the kind of sex you wanted?

(By our standards, this is not a long post.)


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Well, it's not as if he's a total prude. He's willing to try certain things, but as far as toys that's a BIG no. I've told him he can use them on me and lock them up in a closet if that's what it takes, but he's just not into it. I've expressed to him MANY times how best to approach me when he wants sex, but it never sinks in. I'd like a little more romance and he's content to act like Beavis and Butthead. I.E. "So, you wanna suck on my schlong?" I'm not kidding. Maybe that's ok every now and then, for a quickie, but sometimes I'd like for him to come up behind me and kiss the back of my neck or something to initiate. Also, I've always had a problem with the way he made me feel like a **** because I had a more open minded view of sex. He doesn't do it now, it was only early on and I don't think he really meant to, but the damage is done.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Oh, and the emotional withdrawal is really getting to me as well.

Oops, I may have typed a banned word... It starts with an s and ends with a t.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

I do want to say that he is not a bad guy at all. there are a lot of areas that are ok. It's just that sex is important to me... I don't know what to do. I don't want to live the rest of my life sexually unfulfilled, but I don't want to just give up either, especially when there are kids involved.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

atropa said:


> Well, it's not as if he's a total prude. He's willing to try certain things, but as far as toys that's a BIG no. I've told him he can use them on me and lock them up in a closet if that's what it takes, but he's just not into it.


Is it possible he is intimidated by the toys. That he fears you will get more enjoyment from them than from his own equipment?


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Yes, he does think that I'll like them more than him. He doesn't get that HE would be the one in control of them. I understand him not wanting to use a huge dildo on me, but even something as simple as a clitoral stimulator? And it's not as if he's small down there either. The moral of the story is, he has some big time hang ups. And I can't talk to him about it, it gets me nowhere. If I do talk to him he goes on the defensive immediately and turns it around to transfer the blame even if I'm not "blaming". This is something he does every time I try to communicate with him about ANY issue, sexual or not.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

atropa said:


> I.E. "So, you wanna suck on my schlong?" I'm not kidding.


ewwww, that would turn me off too. Do you confront him right then and there when he says that kinda stuff?
That is rather immature. I don't blame you for being turned off...
if my husband said that to me, I'd let him know right there
that is a total turn off.

Then I'd suggest a few alternative ways to ask for sex that are more apporpriate.
I'd not have sex with him until he could act like a man and not a horney, crude teenage boy.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Yeah, it's a major turn off, and I've heard it so many times I'm numb to it. It's like he really thinks I'll think it's funny. I'm at the point now where all the little things seem big, and I know that's not good. I know it's partly brought on (or magnified) by all the stress we're under, but if he doesn't learn to cope with hard times better one day I'm going to get sick of it.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

Plus, there's this nagging question: Do I have to give up good sex for love? Why can't I seem to have both?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Shutting down emotionally when something bad happens is a man thing. Men like to 'figure it out themselves', and it is a sign of him trying to do just that. The very male "if I need help I'll ask...otherwise I'm fine" attitude. (See Men Mars/Women Venus...he calls it the man-cave)

The big question is: Can you make him see that your sex life is a legitimate problem? If so, maybe you can channel the male "fix-it" gene into this problem. 

He sees sex as dirty unless you're in love? married? Well he's in luck then hopefully. As the two of you are married, and he loves you?

You say he isn't a 'religious fanatic', but are his feelings on sex religiously based? There are a few Christian books that talk about the topic in an open, loving way. Perhaps that approach? I don't remember the one I read, but there are a few out there. ("Sex, God, and Romance What every Christian Husband needs to Know" is one)

Give up good sex for love? I sure hope not! 

Try reading a few of the relationship books on your own, or with him if he'll do it. The whole Mars/Venus series: Mars/Venus, Mars/Venus in the Bedroom, etc., also The Five Love Languages, Mating in Captivity (very good!). Even if he doesn't read with you, one of the biggest things they'll do for you is help you see a few male 'quirks' and be able to phrase things in a way that he'll take better instead of going on insta-defense.

Oh, and certainly don't reward the Beevis & Butthead remarks! I'm with Preso on this. If he wants sex with you, he should behave like a man, not a sniggering boy.


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## atropa (Jul 8, 2009)

> The big question is: Can you make him see that your sex life is a legitimate problem? If so, maybe you can channel the male "fix-it" gene into this problem.


I could try, I haven't thought of taking that approach.



> You say he isn't a 'religious fanatic', but are his feelings on sex religiously based? There are a few Christian books that talk about the topic in an open, loving way. Perhaps that approach? I don't remember the one I read, but there are a few out there. ("Sex, God, and Romance What every Christian Husband needs to Know" is one)


He isn't even Christian! He has pretty heavy Buddhist tendencies though. He wasn't raised by religious people and his 2 brothers aren't the way he is about it. It's really strange.



> Oh, and certainly don't reward the Beevis & Butthead remarks! I'm with Preso on this. If he wants sex with you, he should behave like a man, not a sniggering boy.


Yeah, I'm DONE with that. Next time he won't get it. At least until he "gets it". I don't know why he's the way he is. All I know is after almost 6 years I'm so sexually frustrated I could scream. It's like the male/female perceptions of sex are switched with us...


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## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

atropa said:


> And I can't talk to him about it, it gets me nowhere. If I do talk to him he goes on the defensive immediately and turns it around to transfer the blame even if I'm not "blaming". This is something he does every time I try to communicate with him about ANY issue, sexual or not.


Has he tried seeing a therapist? My wife and I have a very compatible sex life together, but I had gotten very depressed with alot of things that were going on with our relationship and life and ended up shutting off emotionally and playing the blame game with things; much like your hubby is now. Our sex life suffered terribly to where it was down to maybe 2 or 3 times a month and even then it was an effort to work up the want to have sex. Even though we had great sex together, I wasn't feeling it so I didn't want it. It took a very traumatic situation to occur in our relationship for me to realize what I was doing with pushing her away and sinking into myself. He could end up doing the same thing with you and push you away, and I don't want that to happen to anyone else. I got lucky and we caught this before it was too late, but you guys might not if you don't work together and tackle your problems. 

And with the sex toy thing, if he's not comfortable with it personally then he probably won't ever. Try not jumping right to physically pleasing tools like that, suggest maybe blindfolding or restraints, and if he's shown that an 'aid' can intensify the encounter then maybe you guys can work up to something a little more what you're looking for.

And with the Beavis and Butthead comments....you don't give a dog a treat when it pees on the floor do you? Just a thought. He wouldn't ever say it if it never got what he wanted. Just one time to get our foot in the door is all it takes for all of us pervy jerks 

Hope you guys can work this out.


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