# Question



## imjustsaying (Jul 27, 2012)

I have been married to my husband for 6 years and been together for 7 years. From the beginning of our marriage his ex-girlfriend has been a ghost that won't die. When we were first married I found out that she came to our apartment while I was at work to seduce him. He swore it wasn't like that. After that I requested that he no longer speak to her. He said okay. Well, he lied. He lied time and time and time again. 

Each time I tried to move on because they weren't physically having sex. Years later I find e-mails between him and her reminiscing on how good the sex used to be, sending pictures to each other. I check our phone records, late night phone calls and text messages while I was pregnant with our son. Check online and he's flirting with random women online. I confronted him and he got furious. He threatened to leave me and seeing how I was currently pregnant, all I thought was what am I going to do? We went to counseling and I thought okay, this will be the end of it. 

Recently he had to go overseas for his job. My son and I hadn't heard from him for days, when he finally did call he told me how he talked to her and she wanted to send him a care package. I flipped. I'm tired. I am so tired of being treated like this. I am sad, furious, disgusted with myself, hurting for my son, and just pissed. I am seriously contemplating divorce but I don't want to be a failure. I believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment, but I want someone who just doesn't say they love me, but proves it in their actions. 

He has turned me off in every way possible. Sometimes just the thought of him makes me want to punch a hole in a wall. I guess this time he sees how serious I am because he's acting scared and begging me not to leave. He keeps apologizing. But frankly I'm over the cry of the bull dog. I've witnessed it before. 


I am under 30 and I still have a lot of living to do. I don't want to regret spending anymore time with him wasting my life. I don't know what to do. He says he will do counseling, honestly I am not interested. But for the sake of saying I will try everything for my marriage; I said I would go counseling again. I dream about being single now. I dream about finishing college and taking on a new job. I dream about being happily alone and making new friends that have nothing to do with him. I dream about meeting someone who is NOTHING like him who understands the value of a good woman in his life. In those moments when I am dreaming I am the most happy... I'm not perfect and I make mistakes but I can't operate in a marriage of lies and hurt and distrust. 

What would you do?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

that's up to you. If it were me I would have left when he tried to use your unborn child as a bargaining chip. That's just despicable to me. Your husband has carried on an Affair pretty much since day one. The only part your failed was addressing and making sure the A was over. You trusted over and over again and basically gave him an easy way out. 
You need the do the NMMNG and the 180. It is time to prepare to move on. If your WH decides that he was a fool (which he is) and wants you back. Then you can choose to take him back. That won't happen until there is NC. 
If you don't take steps to change you will always be his fall back plan. That is not a marriage. 
If you can't trust him anymore get lawyered up.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

imjustsaying said:


> He says he will do counseling, honestly I am not interested. But for the sake of saying I will try everything for my marriage; I said I would go counseling again. I dream about being single now. I dream about finishing college and taking on a new job. I dream about being happily alone and making new friends that have nothing to do with him. I dream about meeting someone who is NOTHING like him who understands the value of a good woman in his life.


 Counseling is for people that want to truly work on their marraige. It does nothing for someone like your husband that continues to stay in contact with his ex and other women.

Truthfully your husband knows how difficult it would be for you to move on right now, and he is thus exploiting the situation. You have a child and must plan accordingly. My advice is for you to focus on finishing college and getting a good job ASAP. Once you have done this, see if your husband has really made the changes that he needs to make. If not then move on and be happy.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

How to Leave a Cheater

check this out


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He says he will do counseling


He needs IC, not MC. There nothing wrong with the marriage, there's nothing wrong with your demands, he knows it. He's a cheater. He needs to affair proof himself.
If you are ready to D then do it, if you needs time tell him he's the one to fix himself and make you believe he's worthy of another chance. Tell him to get help and take care of yourself meanwhile.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Leave....now. Phuck him. You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I am seriously contemplating divorce but I don't want to be a *failure*.


You don't want a divorce but you're willing to keep yourself in a *failed* marriage?

See what i did there?

This guy needs to shape up. He should not be taking calls from this woman or contacting her in any way after that talk you had with him. He must understand that the consequences will be real. He must see you really willing to go the distance. Or this will go on forever or until he finally leaves you for another woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So why did he tell you that he spoke to her and she wants to send him a care package? What did he tell her about the care package?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I am seriously contemplating divorce but I don't want to be a failure.


 You are not. He failed, miserabily. You can acknowledge it by divorcing his sorry a$$. Talk to a lawyer at least, find out how things will likely play financialy and custody wise.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

What would I do? I've been in your shoes, kid. And I divorced him. And then some years later, i DID marry the guy who loves me right and respects me and cherishes me. And you know what? There is NO comparison. None. And I was a single mom for a long time and alone for a long time, and that was good too. Much better than living on the crazy train.

You wrote: I am seriously contemplating divorce but I don't want to be a failure. I believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment, but I want someone who just doesn't say they love me, but proves it in their actions.

When I look back, I see that my failure wasn't divorce. It was codependency. It was not valuing myself enough, not asserting my boundaries. This is not YOUR failure. It's his. You can't hold a marriage up by yourself. Please don't own that.

Better IS out there. Hold out for it. There are men for whom monogamy is not 12-step. Who can love you right, right out of the box. They don't need therapy to figure out the basics of respect and decency. You really deserve better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What would I do? For one, I would not be disgusted with myself.

If anyone should feel disgusted with themselves, it is your husband. And the OW.


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## imjustsaying (Jul 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So why did he tell you that he spoke to her and she wants to send him a care package? What did he tell her about the care package?


I guess because he felt that as long as he told me he was talking to her then that made it okay. Stupid... I know... but given his track record, brainy doesn't really come to mind...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So when are you filing for divorce?


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## imjustsaying (Jul 27, 2012)

TRy said:


> Counseling is for people that want to truly work on their marraige. It does nothing for someone like your husband that continues to stay in contact with his ex and other women.
> 
> Truthfully your husband knows how difficult it would be for you to move on right now, and he is thus exploiting the situation. You have a child and must plan accordingly. My advice is for you to focus on finishing college and getting a good job ASAP. Once you have done this, see if your husband has really made the changes that he needs to make. If not then move on and be happy.


I think that's what I am going to do. It's a hard decision to come to and I admit I cried over it a little. I don't know if it was from relief that I am finally ready to be over it, or what. I am going to bide my time, finish college, and carefully set myself up to be able to take care of my son and myself with or without his help. 

He keeps emailing me now asking stupid questions that just sort of piss me off. Asking if I miss him and acting hurt like he's the victim in this. I laugh at him (hurtful, I know, but I'm numb and could care less about his feelings at this point) and tell him I can't answer that because I don't. He's telling me about how he's getting sick from his nerves being bad over this. I feel like a horrible person but in my head I think, "I don't care." I guess I should write e-mails to him about his infidelity and have him e-mail back admitting to such so I can have evidence for the divorce? Is that smart?


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## imjustsaying (Jul 27, 2012)

A quick question, how does separation work? He's a government employee, so I go to college with a discounted rate. I don't want to stay with him, but I do need my discounted rate. Would a separation allow me at least collect some money from him for our son but live without him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What state do you live in? I don't know if all states have legal separation.

You could file for a legal separation. Division of property, spousal support if any and child support, child custody and visitation could be worked out. But since you are still legally married you can get the schooling benefits, medical care, etc.

If you divorce, you can file for divorce and get an interim that addresses all of these issues. This will be in place until the divorce is final. While the divorce is pending you are still his wife and still get the education, medical and other benefits.

A divorce can take months or years to be finailzed. Once final you would lose his education and medical benefits.

You might be able to get some re-habilitative spousal support after divorce. If you qualify you'd get child support as well (you probably qualify).

Of course you might also qualify for federal and states financial aid for school once the two of you are separated. If you do not intend to get back with him and he's living out of country you might be able to get the finacial aid now.


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