# Its so easy to say move on, and yet so difficult to do



## Soveryalone

I know people are just trying to be helpful when they say " move on". I know it comes from a place of kindness and caring. But I think for some people its not an easy concept to grasp. People often say for men its a much faster process, and men should go out and drink and have meaningless sex with the first women who says yes. This sounds so cliché but I am not that guy and that's honestly the very last thing I want to do right now.

My ex fiancé fell in love with someone else , it happens , people fall in love all the time and she gets to be happy and I am proud of her for that to be perfectly honest. I am not angry at her, I am am angry that the guy , a friend of mine from long ago didn't back off but it was the right time , I had my chance with her, 12 years 

The more I read on this site and other sites about love , and marriage and infidelity the happier I am , the more relieved I am. Because as exciting as it was to fall in love with her nearly 13 years ago, the pain of her falling out of love with me has devastated me for life and I refuse to ever let it happen again. 
People might read this and say " its only been 2 months give it time, you need to focus on yourself , you need to jog and exercise , you need to do push ups or sit ups , just focus on what makes you happy" People will say its too early and when you heal again and when the time is right you will fall in love again. Everyone isn't entitled to being loved. Some people are just too broken.

I am a broken person who is in so much pain and so much anguish. I am just happy that I never have to be let down again. I am relieved that I wont ever have to let someone else down again. I am absolutely miserable alone, I am used to being with someone , have been involved with someone the last 16 years of my 37 years of life. I am sure others feel this way as well, some people just are better when they are with someone I suppose. I am just so very confused , and hurt. I don't know what to do , who to turn to. :scratchhead: Just thinking about never speaking to her ever again causes so much anxiety and sadness, its nearly too much to bare. its quite ironic, I need people , friends so very badly at this time in my life and yet the only person who calls me is my Exes brother in law to give me updates about her and her new BF. anyways maybe I can make some friends here on this site, perhaps people will be caring and patient enough with me, because honestly I am so very hesitant to let anyone even remotely close to me right now. I feel so guarded, and I feel the walls building up, and I don't foresee them ever being knocked down.


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## angelpixie

Pour it all out here, sweetie. You were in a relationship for a long time, and it does take a toll when it ends. The pain is all you can concentrate on right now, so it does seem beyond belief that you could ever feel close to another woman again. You don't have to believe it right now. 

There are stages of grief, and they are just as applicable to a relationship break-up as they are to a death. 

I hope it's ok for me to tell you that it's a bit premature to be thinking in terms of 'not ever' doing or letting something happen in your life again. Never is a very long time. 

You're doing a good thing for yourself by recognizing that you're putting up walls, and that they will get in the way of the relationships with others that will make your life the way you feel happiest. Share your feelings here, and please allow yourself to hear some of the things people here will say to try to help you. You are feeling hurt and betrayal right now, from your fiancee and your former friend. 

But not everyone will treat you that way. Start creating the life you want, and standing up for the relationships you want. To start, the next time your ex's BIL calls to tell you about her, firmly tell him that you are no longer interested. Period. If he doesn't respect that, then it's time to change who you associate with. And you can. 

Let's talk about what kinds of things you can do to have a better life. Things don't have to stay like this. Lots of us have been through similar situations, and we'd like to help.


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## Soveryalone

Yes someone earlier said I was in the first stage of grief. I am really not looking forward to the "anger" phase. I pride myself on being someone who just lets go of anger, but I understand I need to experience this In stages. 

Thanks very much for your thoughtful reply. Its nice to talk with people who have a clue what I am going through right now. Its nice to know others have gone through what I went through and much more. I am just completely relieved her and I didn't get married, and don't have any children. 

Its quite alright for you to say its very premature in this process for me to say "never again" I just have this feeling inside I cant seem to shake. And those walls are coming up rapidly and just when I need people to support me the most , I am keeping everyone at arms length. I was always the first person , with family or friends to jump in and be there for someone who was in pain. And It certainly does help to read and write on this forum. 

I am sure you are right , I know there are many amazing women out there but the trick is , I was certain for 12 years she was one of them. and she honestly was completely faithful and loving for the whole relationship. I mean she had her flaws , as did I but she was always honest , and faithful to me until the end. 

I thank you very much for your kind words , hopefully we can chat again.


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## COguy

You're still in the phase of grief where everything sucks and nothing makes sense. That's OK.

It's OK to feel like a ball of a$$ for a while. Don't try to stop it.

I don't think you can "move on" or "get over it". It's not something you can just will yourself into.

What you CAN do, is force yourself out of your comfort zone to get involved in things that will be good for you. Force yourself to go to support groups, meetups, exercise, etc. Do something that you always wanted to but didn't because you were married (I went ballroom dancing).

Sometimes it will be uncomfortable, especially at first. But as you start to build up experiences and a new life, you will take the perfect view of life that you had in your mind and stop idolizing it.

Life can be so exciting, and being in your situation can be a very amazing time once you get past the initial pain. You get a chance to reexperience the world, like a little kid almost.


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## Soveryalone

Are there ways to progress into the stages of grief ? or do they just sort of come when they come ?


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## COguy

Soveryalone said:


> Are there ways to progress into the stages of grief ? or do they just sort of come when they come ?


You just have to take it.

I got through my grief pretty quickly after d-day and after we split up. I'm a firm believer in just accepting the pain and sad feelings instead of trying to make it stop. Every time I felt sad I just tried to understand why, what it was that making me upset, and just kind of work through that as much as I could.

It's not easy, I mean there was a 2 week stretch where I felt like a pile of mush, but I'd rather get it all over with then be perpetually hurting for years like the people that try to just bottle it up or act like nothing is wrong.

Everyone takes a different amount of time to get back to a normalized state.


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## Soveryalone

thanks , yes I would much rather just not prolong this


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## darklilly23

Sovery, 

My therapist says (and I very much feel this way) that it would have been easer to actuly lost stbx to death then to be betrayed in this fashion, it makes you doubt yourself, other people and reality . I am not only grieving my lost love, I am grieving the erroneous image I had of him.

I guess my point Is all this, you have just been through a serious mind eff and it is no surprize that you are in shock,
therefore give your self some room you are asking your brain to change everything that it knows to be true "hey the sky is green," it's going to take some doing. I know that's like telling someone on a torture rack to "hang in there" 
but it really is the only way through this [email protected] And yeah your thoughts are going to be messed up for a while. So just take everything that your brain comes up with in context of the Trauma that it has had to go through.

The reason that I am not going out and playing drinking ect is two fold.

1. That is what stbx is doing and I am better than him lol
2. I know good and well that anything I would get into right now would crash and burn just like stbx will do (small evil grin)

You don't even need to worry about other women right now for (unless It makes you feel better, which I doubt.)
For ghosh sakes you just fell out of a plane man! give your head and heart wounds a chance to heal before you start worrying about if you can ever fly a plane again!
And think about the whole walls building up thing, completely natural, your psyche way of trying to protect its self, very natural there is just no need to make it a credo before you are even flight ready...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soveryalone

Darklilly, I was thinking about that earlier. I really feel like my Ex died 2 months ago, she isn't the same person anymore. And I know people say that often " well he or she is so different now" but I am not kidding she isn't the same person she was and it totally f's with my head. It makes me doubt reality, makes me doubt everything. :scratchhead:

I think that's what's frightening for me right now, the way I feel now, it feels very permanent, it doesn't feel like things will ever change. I feel like this anxiety, this grief, this whatever the hell it is growing and evolving each day. I feel like I am in the movie groundhog day with bill murray ? Each morning I wake up ( if I sleep at all) and I usually have nightmares , or even worse I have dreams of her , I dream I am in bed with her and I wake up and try to cuddle up next to her and ... blah so corny I know haha 

What you said about about my thoughts being messed up ( my goodness if you only knew ) I really should just write a novel because my thoughts , more like a constant movie playing in my head, they are uncomfortable and troubling to say the least but they do pass. But you are 100% right anything my wild imagination comes up with has to be taken within the context of the trauma. I feel like my mind is still in shock , and heart smashed into 50 billion little pieces , my god I really am a mess. I do not have any idea how I am going to survive this  the days keep getting longer and longer, the nights even long

This site if really great I have gotten a lot more replies than on the other , so thanks very much for telling me about it. all the people are super nice and quick to reply with support and kind words. and plus the smileys are super funny :rofl:

and you are right and great analogy about being flight ready haha 
but i think my pilots license has been revoked for EVER !! at least it surely feels like that way , i swear its such a conundrum , an absolute paradox , I know letting people in close ( friends) will help speed up this healing process and i am sure when the time is right, but at the same time there is this little voice in my mind saying " keep building the walls, deal with this pain alone " , i am 37 now so i figure when i am 60 years old, if i ever decide to try to fly again I will do so SO very slowly that no sane woman will want to go that slowly , plus allow me time to get used to talking to people and such , but at the same time i just really hate most people.. not you or the nice people on this site of course


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## angelpixie

Nobody has mentioned this yet (I don't think) but you said this has gone on for months already. If you really, truly feel like you cannot get a decent night's sleep, you might want to consider talking to a doctor for a short-term Rx for a sleep aid. Just to get you over this hump. The funny thing is that a lack of sleep can help depress your mood, and a depressed mood (and stress) can disrupt your sleep. Just something to consider. 

And darklily is totally right on about self-protection mode setting in. That makes total sense. If two of the people you trusted the most did this, how can you trust strangers? Absolutely natural reaction. But I think you know that it doesn't feel 'right' to extend this to _everyone_. That's why you're reaching out. Take it slowly. Obviously, not everyone is like the two of them. It does hurt worse than a death, but letting yourself grieve it and process it will let you put it in perspective against your entire life. 

Many, many of us have dealt with those nightmares while trying to sleep, and mind movies during the day. Distraction is your friend at times. Physical activity is great for this. Oddly enough, many of us have found that getting dumped has helped us to get into the best shape we've ever been.  We started lifting weights, dancing, biking, running, swimming, hitting the gym, etc., to help get over our break-ups. 

I know you said that the only person who was calling you was her BIL. Do you have anyone else _you_ can reach out to, not even to talk about this (that's what we're here for  ), but to get a cup of coffee or go to a movie with? Co-worker? Someone at your gym or church or an organization you belong to? Don't wait for people to come to you. There are things you can do to start thinking about other things besides what she did to you. One thing many of us recommend is volunteering with an organization that is meaningful to you. It makes you feel good, you make contact with new people who share that same interest, and you're doing something different with your mind and your time. Believe it or not, these are indirect ways of helping you deal with this pain. It really isn't best for you to stay alone and process everything alone.


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## Soveryalone

Well I am going to try OTC med , like Benadryl tonight actually , I think it might actually do the trick because I seem to be pretty tired tonight. I used to be on several different meds 5 years back for a variety of issues I have. But I really hate to feel numb, I like to experience life , the good and the bad. And I like to feel emotions , good and bad. But you may be right. Perhaps getting back on some meds might help , even temporarily, to get over the hump. 

And I am sorry if I was overly dramatic , when I said a "friend" ( this new guy in her life) He was not really a close friend of mine, he was more an acquaintance from online ( from the chat room I met her in 13 years ago) She started up a facebook page for people from that chat room to reconnect, and that's where he reappeared. but in any case there was the trust factor, the mild friendship I had with him and what I had with her. 

And the more I post on here the more I realize how toxic a relationship it was. And with each passing day I see it with more clarity. I just cant help but wonder why she put on a huge act for me the last couple years. Honestly the one major red flag was the lack of sexual intimacy but she had me convinced she was just depressed or , feeling inadequate , and I sort of just believed it was a normal part of a long term relationship. 

I am very close to the getting physically fit stage I think, I would love to start some sort of physical activity, sooner than later. but as far as having people to talk with , Her BIL is the only person who calls me other than my mother , so sad I know lol I have a few female friends I talk to now and again on the phone ,but I cant really openly vent to them if needed. So long story short , right now I am fresh out of friends to call. 

I know volunteering will help I am going to look into that, but for right now, for tomorrow sadly my only option is to be here alone, and to try to deal with all of this alone, it is what it is , lost touch with all of my friends over the years, tried to reconnect with them , but it was not happening , and my family has their own issues going on, health issues , new babies , loss of jobs. no one wants to hear about my pain. So I just do a lot of writing for now, and now reading forums and replying to them, it seems to be very helpful. Although some times I wonder if it makes my mind spin even more.:scratchhead:


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## angelpixie

Well, there is that risk of other people's situations triggering you rather than helping you to heal. Quite a lot of us have discovered the Social Spot threads here. For a lot of us, they've become a bit of a pressure valve while we've been going through whatever issue it might be that led us here. And many of us have made good friends, too. Depending on your style of humor, or things you like to talk about, it might not be your cup of tea, but then again, it might. 

Another thing that is often suggested to help when the thoughts just don't seem to stop is journaling. The physical act of writing or typing your thoughts and feelings out, without censoring them or judging yourself, can actually be a way of cleansing them. I don't know how many journals I filled after I first moved away from my ex, writing out our history, some episodes more than once. My therapist later recommended doing this when I had a big downturn and was waking up at night with nightmares, unable to fall back to sleep: She told me to have a journal and pen handy and a lamp with a low-wattage bulb so I didn't wake up too much. Then, when I was awakened at night, I'd just put a mug of milk in the microwave to heat it up (without turning the bright kitchen light on), and drink my warm milk while I wrote out everything that was on my mind. Then go back to bed, and do deep breathing and relaxation exercises til I fell back to sleep. It really helped. Eventually, I realized I didn't need to journal all the time, and I wasn't waking up at night anymore, either. Since you're starting that phase of going back and analyzing your relationship, journaling might help to clarify things.


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## Soveryalone

I do ALOT of writing , it actually helped me get to a pretty decent place. When I looked at the relationship in its entirety it allowed me to gain a new perspective. Rather than focusing on the last month and the OM, it allowed me to realize all of my mistakes , my many mistake all caused by a past trauma I went through and some of the mental illness issues. I actually have written several things that I printed out that I would read when needed. 

I do a lot of deep breathing in through the nose and hold it as long as possible then slowly exhale out of my mouth , at the same time I count to 10 and then back down to 0, this seems to help me focus some. And from time to time it does allow me to drift off to sleep.

One thing that does really make me angry about , is She has been so very cold and cruel to me , intentionally and she knows it is robbing me of sleep , which baffles me , I did what she wanted , I gave her space , I wished her well. and still it wasn't enough , she needed to say the cruel things she has said. What kills me is she isn't losing any sleep. I am sure she is sleeping just fine . that alone is reason enough to get through all of this mess and achieve some peaceful sleeps. That's all I want at this point, and I don't feel like its too much to ask for , I just want some peace of mind, some clarity and calmness. But I know that's going to take some time.


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## angelpixie

You are doing some great things already, SVA. What you wrote about in your first two paragraphs had me going :smthumbup: and 

I'm sorry about how she's acting. It just hurts. There's not really anything else to say. I hope you're not still having fresh contact with her (and won't be any longer with the informative BIL, either). Not having new things to process will allow you to just work on the stuff you already know and experienced. There was a point in my long break-up process that I had to see that my ex had been making choices for quite awhile that benefitted mainly him, rather than us. I had been doing things for us. I had to change my mindset to be more like his -- Choose to care about, think about, and focus on myself. At this point, it doesn't matter whether she's sleeping or not. (I _know_ it might give you short-term pleasure to find out she's miserable and doesn't sleep a wink and looks like hell all the time) It really only matters what's happening with *you* now. Yes, she was and is a cruel b!tch. What can we do to help *you* get back to sleeping and getting on your feet again. When your mind starts drifting to her, visualize shutting a door and turning yourself away from that closed door and instead looking at yourself and start thinking about you. It might sound silly, but sometimes we have to purposely push back at those thoughts with images and thoughts that we interject. It sounds like you're starting to feel a little angry. That's good. Anger at this point can be a powerful tool and fuel to get you moving forward. You mentioned above that you don't really want to experience the anger stage, because you would pride yourself on letting go of anger. That's good at times. Eventually, you'll get to that stage with this, too. But you've earned this anger, and you have a right to it. Not experiencing denies you a bit of the process of getting through this all the way. It won't take you over if you don't let it. You are _always_ in control. 

You're doing great, SVA. You're going to be OK.


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## Soveryalone

Well , after her BIL told me the new guy met my Exes father ( who I am sure they madly fell in love because her dad is a army Veteran from Vietnam and the guy was in the army as well but served state side) so later on after her BIL told me that I sent a very nasty email to her which she replied to within a minute. without being crude my email to her was " so how did it feel to " be with him" in the bed that I bought for us, but I didn't quite use those words. so we emailed back and forth and it was mainly me being a sarcastic ******* and her ( or whomever it was I was emailing with , I think it was her but not 100%) so if of course those emails got my mind going . I honestly think it wasn't her, it was pretty late at night and she normally doesn't stay up that late, but I don't know.


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## Soveryalone

There is a lot to this story I haven't yet shared, but honestly I tried my very best to love her the best I was capable of for the entire relationship. I really did, and I feel extremely proud of how I handled this whole end. With a few exceptions early on when I called or texted her , I did my very best to give her the space she needed. I have my issues, like everyone, but I did the most difficult thing I have ever done when I walked away and got on that airplane. And I did my very best to not contact her, and deep down I knew she was just getting closer and closer to him ( she still denied it for the first 3 weeks) 

I am just completely baffled that it played out this way. And I am extremely happy and pleased with myself for how I handled it. And I am ashamed that I was with her for as many years , yes she was fantastic and did treat me very well, she was madly in love with me at one point and that seemed to last a good 10 years but I am not sure I ever fully loved myself. And never fully accepted her love. But she was honest and hard working and loving for a very long time until the very end. But I guess the end is sometimes what we think of the most?


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## angelpixie

OK, very very common for this to happen. Been there, done that, regretted it, lol. If this type of thing happens again, where you feel like firing off an email or a text or whatever, go ahead and type it out, then save it and put it in a folder. think on it for 24 hours and then see if you still want to send it. Chances are, you won't. 

It's like the journaling thing - you still get it out of your system. You've taken the physical action of typing it up, so you are _doing something_, but you avoid the back and forth that happens, and the mind movies and obsessing and ruminating that come after. 

Some questions to consider after that 24 hours have gone by:

Why am I doing this? What do I hope to accomplish by sending this to her? Is this something that will help me to move forward, or is this something that keeps me down in the mud with her? Reading this gets my adrenaline going again. Instead of firing this off to her, what else can I do to take care of this adrenaline?

So you're not denying yourself that outlet, but you know, deep down, that sending it to her isn't going to get you the reaction you want -- her admitting that what she's doing is horrible and that she's sorry that she's turned into an unfaithful biotch. I'll bet you don't really feel all that great about sending that email, right? that if you had it to do over, you'd think twice before sending it again. So, skip that whole part and just keep working on detaching from her emotionally.


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## angelpixie

Soveryalone said:


> There is a lot to this story I haven't yet shared, but honestly I tried my very best to love her the best I was capable of for the entire relationship. I really did, and I feel extremely proud of how I handled this whole end. With a few exceptions early on when I called or texted her , I did my very best to give her the space she needed. I have my issues, like everyone, but I did the most difficult thing I have ever done when I walked away and got on that airplane. And I did my very best to not contact her, and deep down I knew she was just getting closer and closer to him ( she still denied it for the first 3 weeks)
> 
> I am just completely baffled that it played out this way. And I am extremely happy and pleased with myself for how I handled it. And I am ashamed that I was with her for as many years , yes she was fantastic and did treat me very well, she was madly in love with me at one point and that seemed to last a good 10 years but I am not sure I ever fully loved myself. And never fully accepted her love. But she was honest and hard working and loving for a very long time until the very end. But I guess the end is sometimes what we think of the most?


Of course. It's the most recent, and the most significant point in the relationship. It leaves a much stronger imprint than the mundane days where not much happened except living your lives. 
It is great that you walked away. And great that you are realizing things about yourself, too. Not loving oneself is probably the biggest thing the betrayed partner has to undo. 
And oftentimes, he/she has to start undoing it at a the very time they feel most unlovable. But again, it can be done, and it sounds like you're starting to do it, by recognizing behaviors that go along with your personal values. We all do things that we're ashamed of. Forgive yourself and learn from it.


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## Soveryalone

Thanks again for your thoughtful replies to my posts , and thanks for that sleeping tip , when a thought comes in literally imagine a door closing, it helped tremendously. I am going to really try my best to not obsess today, if I have a worry or something I need to talk about I will , but I think I actually slept a little better , I know for certain when I woke up I did just lay there for a few minutes knowing everything I was feeling and thinking was because of the trauma I had experienced and I was not the only person who has been through this, also that everything I was thinking and feeling was completely normal and natural , and just a part of healing. thanks again.


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## ThreeStrikes

SVA,

You were an individual before meeting your ex. You made the same mistake that a lot of us have. Over the years, your "identity" became entwined with, and dependent on, your partner. Now that your partner is gone, you feel lost and without an individual identity.

Try to remember who you were, back when you were single. Before you met her.

Work on becoming that person again.


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## Soveryalone

Yes that sums it up perfectly. But I am striving to be a completely new person, who I was before I met her was someone I don't really care to be ever again. I was careless and a risk taker, ( I am 37 years old now , when I met her I was 25 and still acting like an 18 year old) but I understand what you are saying, My identity was insanely wrapped up in hers, and I feel lost


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## ThreeStrikes

Soveryalone said:


> *My identity was insanely wrapped up in hers,*


Work on your issues so this never happens again. Start with IC, and reading. 

Get the Married Man Sex Life Primer, by Athol Kay. It's not about sex or marriage. 

Google 'one-itis'.


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## Soveryalone

Since starting here on this site a few days ago I have really noticed some great progress for myself. I have been so much less obsessive and sort of gained a new perspective on the whole situation, I am sort of in this mode.. Yes I made many mistakes over the years but I didn't deserve what happened in the end , so f ck her and F ck him and karma is a ***** , and one day maybe not next week or next year , some day I will have a face to face chat with him, and I am looking forward to that day, just to look him in the eyes and tell him he is a piece a ****


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## Hoosier

So sorry for your troubles. I would suggest that you go no contact. I had my wife leave after 30 years for a mutual friend,. I said that it was like having a stroke, I had to relearn everything. I would be going somewhere and think "I need to call and tell her", then I would remember, oh...yeah. So I know exactly how you feel. Going no contact really really helps with this. Besides, to tell her anything You might as well be talking to a wall for what good it does. Read up on the 180, and do it! Not for her, not so you can get her back, do it for you. Stay on TAM, post often, plenty of people here for you. Pulling for you!


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## COguy

Soveryalone said:


> Since starting here on this site a few days ago I have really noticed some great progress for myself. I have been so much less obsessive and sort of gained a new perspective on the whole situation, I am sort of in this mode.. Yes I made many mistakes over the years but I didn't deserve what happened in the end , so f ck her and F ck him and karma is a ***** , and one day maybe not next week or next year , some day I will have a face to face chat with him, and I am looking forward to that day, just to look him in the eyes and tell him he is a piece a ****


Sounds like you got some anger...good. That's an important breakthrough. Don't worry, you'll vascillate between all the stages of grief for a while, don't let it surprise you.


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## Soveryalone

Thanks very much COguy , I actually started a new thread about the stages of grief , I was really surprised when people would suggest I was in one stage or another , thanks very much for letting me know that its not a cookie cutter set of stages that there will some day by day progress through the various stages. I have my moments throughout the day, just little moments here and there of anger or depression or whatever the case may be. I am wondering if I might need to really focus on the anger and get it all out thought , and as much as I hate that idea I am wondering if in the end it will help?


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## proudwidaddy

@Soveryalone,
Brother your story has made me sit at the computer and cry my eyes out. My heart literally hurts for you. I wish I was there to shake your hand, give you a hug, whatever. I can tell you the pain does get easier, but time is the only cure. My ex-wife devastated me. Been divorced a year now, two wonderful children. Long time TAM members know my story.

This is not about me this is about you. Give yourself time. Be gentle to yourself. Right now you need to do what helps you heal. I still break down after awhile.

As for love, I'm 36 years old my man, I was like you I didn't think I would find anyone again, at least not on that level. I'm happy to say I did. 

It will happen again should YOU choose to allow it to happen. But what I want to tell you is this....there is no rush on that. Find yourself, live the pain, learn what makes you put the walls up so you will know how to take them down. 

I'm not on here much but if you need to talk outside the forum private message me and I'll give you my email.

Take care brother,
-Proud


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## Soveryalone

thanks for the support Proudwidaddy, Ye man I am trying to keep my head above water for right now, still going back and forth in and out of the stages of grief. I am getting close to the point where I wanna email my " old friend" and ask him to name a time and place so we can talk  I understand **** happens , people who are married / in serious relationships get involved with other people or fall in love , but the way they handled this after I literally got on a plane and left, 1000 miles away was complete and total bull****. I feel some of these flashes of anger and I know that's one of the stages , but it frankly scares the living **** out of me, anyways , hopefully I survive this mess, thanks for the kind words my friend , appreciate the support indeed


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## Stretch

Sorry you are struggling friend. Logically, there is no way to erase so many years of memories in short order so we all have to suffer through the process but progress happens constantly even though it might not seem so.

If you have not started I would suggest exercise like crazy to burn stress, get out and do things you like to do and when it comes to your health, try supplements before drugs (like Solace for sleep) or accupuncture, and consider some professional counseling.

Head up bud, there is an awesome world out there for us if we open our eyes and our minds and our hearts to find and enjoy it.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## Soveryalone

Thanks Stretch , I think I am at the point where I am thinking about the relationship in its entirety , which helps out a lot. I wish there was a magic pill to just forget, and I understand what you are saying , no matter what , each second that passes , I am 1 more second away from it and 1 second closer to the next chapter.

I try to go for walks , but I imagine , ramping it up a little exercise wise is absolutely a great idea , it will only help. 
thanks for the post. I am just getting really worn out and sick and tired of the ups and downs , just when I think I am feeling slightly better, something triggers me, and my mind starts with the thoughts , images , movies playing in my mind. It certainly NO doubt has gotten easier, I should really start to keep a journal or something to notice the changes. 1 month ago I know my sleep was extremely worse and the racing thoughts were so f ing horrible . Now throughout the day , I have my moments , but I know I will survive this.


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## angelpixie

That's excellent -- you're experiencing changes over a month ago, and you're aware of them. So many times, it's easier to just think things haven't changed. That we feel as bad as we always did. Sure you'll still have ups and downs. It's only natural. But things do even out, and getting better sleep is probably helping you to handle things --- while working through things is helping you to sleep better in the first place. It's all connected. 

Getting sick and tired of how you're feeling is also a great impetus for changing your own life. You sound like you're dealing with things really well, SVA.


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## doubletrouble

Soveryalone said:


> Are there ways to progress into the stages of grief ? or do they just sort of come when they come ?


Stages of grief have been identified by psychologists, because it's nice to be able to put things in categories when you're trying to be scientific and analyze things. But real life is different than a textbook. 

You and I and everyone here will grieve diffferently. It will take different amounts of time, it will take different courses, and you may not "progress" through them in the order specified. You may regress into something you previously felt, after you thought you were over it. 

It takes time, it takes a toll on you, and if you are a people person, you need to surround yourself with good folks. Hard to find good folks? Well, you have loved ones, I hope, and they are a good place to start. 

Try to NOT let your pain change your worldview or change the way you are inside. You've had external influences deep inside of you, into the vulnerable parts of you. It sucks. *But you are still YOU.* Get inside your own mind. Think of who you used to be, 20 years ago, 30 years ago. Who did you think you were then, as a person? Even as a child, we have positive self images, we have ideas and ideals for our future. Work on those things, define them, get them concrete. 

Then program your subconscious. Instead of saying "I hope/wish I was..." say "I am happy to be..." as if it's present tense. Your subconscious mind has no concept of the past or future. It's all in the now. So tell yourself it's NOW and your subconscious, which works in the background even while you sleep, will bring you to those places you want to be. 

Seriously. It works for body builders, people who want to lose weight, and people who feel they are in dire straits. You can do it too.


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## Soveryalone

thanks for the posts and the support  hopefully something drastically changes within my mind sooner than later , because I really don't feel well today. I feel like there is a black storm cloud circling in my brain and no matter what I do , its there. I don't really feel depressed or anxious ( except for fleeting moments) mentally I just feel strange, I have these waves of thoughts and feelings and the only word I can use to describe them is strange. this too shall pass I suppose


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## maincourse99

I'm almost 15 months past D-day and I still hurts. It's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thought before sleep.

The difference is that it isn't the searing pain that I felt initially. A callous is forming over it. I'm numbed, but I can see clear progress. 

I can find joy in things now and I don't feel the severe anxiety anymore. I know that it's only a matter of time, I'm past the worst of it. 

So be assured you will eventually get through this. I completely understand your desire to not fall in love again. I'm feeling the same way, but I would never say never. 

I've been through two divorces and am 15 years older than you. I'm doing well as a single person and I'm raising a 12yo daughter. My goal has been to learn to be content by myself without a romantic relationship. I'm almost there and it's a good feeling.

You're fairly young. Ride this out, stay healthy and if you can't sleep, consider medication. I did and it helped me immensely.

I wish you the best.


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## Soveryalone

*I started a new thread for this but someone suggested I try to keep my posts on one thread so people know my whole story, but in any case this is for people who might suffer from depression and or anxiety*

I feel so stuck. I keep telling myself this healing process will take time and in the end I will have peace of mind and happiness. No matter what I do these random intrusive thoughts plague my mind. I think about my Ex fiancé and rapid fire thoughts run through my mind, worrying , wondering. I wonder about the first time her and the OM exchanged I loves you, that thought popped into my head last night and it loomed in my brain like a storm cloud. I wondered was it on the phone, or when they first met, was it before I actually left or after? I really want to believe her, and the night before I left , it was like the first time we were together , all the laughs, and jokes, smiles and hugs. We were so passionate that night , so I guess maybe she may be telling the truth , that they were just friendly and she needed someone to talk to, other than me and he jumped at the chance. And they waited the appropriate amount of time, in this case 3 weeks, and I guess she and she alone wanted to tell me about them, because she didn't want me to hear it from someone else. 

I just wish I could go back in time, wish I could have changed my phone number, email , cut off any and all contact. I left and gave her the space she asked for , and had I just fought the urge to communicate with her, things would be so different right now. We would have slowly just forgotten one another, and the healing process would have been so much easier.

Am I the only person who wishes they had walked away and cut all ties completely? I wish I changed my phone number and email and completely shut her out of my life. I know I cant be the only one who really really regrets having post relationship contact?
I see so many horror stories on here but also see so many extremely brave and strong stories. I really envy the strength I see in many relationships on here. When one spouse betrays and the other forgives. But I also feel such sadness and pain for those who were in my position, and those who cant quite get over it yet. I guess this post was a warning for anyone out there who may have depression or anxiety, who may be in the middle or a separation /space/ time apart situation, please please please if she or he asks for it, respect their wishes and as very hard as it is, Don't contact them, don't contact their family or friends. Don't look at their facebooks. Because if you are anything like me, any contact with them could drastically effect your life , and cause more pain than you could ever imagine, more pain and anguish than I would wish on my very worst enemy


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## Soveryalone

*The difference is that it isn't the searing pain that I felt initially. A callous is forming over it. I'm numbed, but I can see clear progress*. 

I can definitely feel a numbness, and at least the start of a callous most of the time, other times it feels like the wound is being torn up and rubbing alcohol poured in it. but it nice to focus on any sort of progress I suppose, but then again its like a viscous cycle , I feel some progress and then all of a sudden I regress.

*I can find joy in things now and I don't feel the severe anxiety anymore. I know that it's only a matter of time, I'm be past the worst of it. *
I guess I need to consider myself lucky because I know prior to me leaving the apartment my Ex fiancé and I shared together , the last 3-5 days felt like one extended anxiety attack. I have to come up with a mantra I think, but also knowing that time will heal this does help me a great deal.


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## Dewayne76

bub, as you've found out, you're not alone. I'm 8 months past final divorce date, and almost a year, i mean in just a week or two, a year from when the madness really started. 

Like you, i feel numb sometimes, and then it all rushes back to me. Of course, it doesn't help that I lost everything valuable and would up living in my truck for the last 4 months, but hey. No, i get ripped open too. I can't help but to feel the same way. No, it's not to the point of me crying every night, but I do still cry. I do still hurt so much I often pray to go to sleep and not wake up. 

But we both can look back and see progress, tho it feels paper thin in size, it is progress. Paper stacks up though> So we should just keep our heads as high as we can and plow through to see w/e is next for us. 

Ohh, I too feel just as broken! I feel I can't do anything right, confidence is down and feel like it's gonna be there (the dark cloud) no matter what I do or accomplish. 

good luck to you bro.


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## angelpixie

Dwayne -- not to hijack SVA's thread, but I'm glad you popped on here again. I hope you'll give us an update on you and Jojo. ((hugs)) sweetie.


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## indiecat

I try to think of how many types of suffering there are in the world when I get really down. Some people suffer terrible addictions, some have horrible health conditions, some suffer the death of their children, or homelessness. It helps sometimes to think of how much suffering there is, and how many forms it takes.
Betrayal IS one of the worst ones though, it just is. I tried to work it out with h after, but once you have that picture of them in someone else's arms it's just very, very difficult to feel the same about them.


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## illwill

What did you lose? A cheater will no class or respect for you. Be glad you did mot marry her. Perhaps she came in your life so when your real soulmate arrives you'll appreciate her for lacking all the issues that your ex had. But you'll never meet her feeling sorry for yourself. And stop talking to her family.


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## indiecat

Avoid all 'triggers'; places you went with her, talking to her family, throw out anything that reminds you of her.


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