# Is this divorce worthy?



## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Many of you know my story ... Although it's been awhile since I've been here. 

I make more than 6 figures a year, but because of past financial sins.. filed for bankruptcy. Alone. My husband recently quit his job (his choice) and encouraged me to take a new job in a different state. I've been on this job for 4 months and I'm doing well. But because of the financial problems.. I also have a side consulting business. I spend about 16 hrs a day "working". My husband works about 3 hours a day. I recently had a come to Jesus with him and told him he HAD to step it up. He was upset because he lkes being home in the afternoon when our 7 year old gets out of school. (at 3:15). The rest of the day.. He can do whatever. I said since I'm working my arse off.. It just needs to change. He made some small moves to recruit more business. I thought we would see a turn around. He agreed to downsizing on our house lease and things were improving. 

So yesterday I had a meltdown. I spent all day packing out house while he and our son went to a sporting event. When he came home I told him (through tears) that I am so lost and feeling like a failure and that I'm bankrupt and scared I will never get the kind of money to get everything fixed. He listened for a bit, but never reached out to comfort me. He eventually said... Well just FYI I got a message that the city job you told me to apply for.. That I may get an interview. I said great! He said well what I want you to remember is how I feel about it. I do NOT want to take it because I feel as if things are really good for son... Since I'm home with him in the afternoon. I said that would be great if we have a cushion, but we don't and I don't think you have a choice. We've got to get on solid ground. I told him I'm cracking.. He just repeated that he didn't want to take it. I had to end the convo there because I wanted to strangle him. 

I just don't know what I'm going to do. My problem is when I open up and really talk to him and share my vulnerabilities .... I am left so disappointed. I tell him how scared I am about money and disappointed in myself... And he responds with... I don't want to work?! 

I don't know how to move on from that.... Am I wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

I don't know if its divorce worthy, but at least you need to let him know exactly how important this is to you. Don't expect him to read between the lines, tell him exactly how you need him to support you and the family, and what it means to you.

At that point, if he is unwilling to change, it could be time to move on.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I have tried many times. Once when I asked him to consider a job that would have more family like hours ( he was working 1 to 11pm and had opportunity to change to a different shift) he was angry and threatened to go work at Walgreens. He said "then maybe I could give you the hours you want". 

That was indeed a couple of years ago, but the theme is the same. 

Last week he told me I should go ask my general manager to create a position for him ... In my department since he thinks my co workers suck. 

He said if he could work with me... Then he'd take the job. 




whathappenedtome said:


> I don't know if its divorce worthy, but at least you need to let him know exactly how important this is to you. Don't expect him to read between the lines, tell him exactly how you need him to support you and the family, and what it means to you.
> 
> At that point, if he is unwilling to change, it could be time to move on.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I don't know your story. Can you provide a little more backround?

Was your husband ever the primary breadwinner?

How did you end up in bankruptcy if you are making 6-figures?

Who would care for your son if your husband worked full-time? What would it cost?

How much do you reasonably expect your husband can make working full-time?

How is the rest of you relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It appears your husband isn't interested in working more than a few hours a day. If you don't like it, tough. If he does get a full-time job, he's putting you on notice he will dump his rotten attitude on you.

It also appears you are too weak to just walk away from what sounds like a thoroughly crappy marriage to a lazy man with a huge sense of entitlement.

Whether your situation is divorce-worthy or not is something only you can decide.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

I agree with zookeeper, we need more background information. 

I do feel like your husband should be taking your concerns more seriously and sharing the financial responsibility. It isn't fair that you're the only one stressed out over the money situation, working long hour days and taking care of the house, while he's out having fun with your son all day. I'm sure you would love to have that time to spend with your son as well. 

It doesn't sound like he's willing to work with you on this or do his part... I would suggest counseling if possible.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

No he has never been primary breadwinner. He has been successful in his own area of expertise. Very successful but his top job paid 70ish. 

He could make about 70 if he took the job with the city. 

Our son would have to have after school care for about 2 hours a day. 

He would be home by 5, with his potential new job. 

Other areas are not so good.... But it just depends on how you define it... Right? 




zookeeper said:


> I don't know your story. Can you provide a little more backround?
> 
> Was your husband ever the primary breadwinner?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

mega1 said:


> No he has never been primary breadwinner. He has been successful in his own area of expertise. Very successful but his top job paid 70ish.
> 
> He could make about 70 if he took the job with the city.
> 
> ...


Your husband should be taking that job and helping you out. He will still see his son a lot... two hours in daycare is not that much! That is an excuse not to have to work more hours. And he'll still have weekends with your son, right? 

Your husband sounds very childish. I see no reason why he wouldn't take the job, other than pure selfishness.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> It appears your husband isn't interested in working more than a few hours a day. If you don't like it, tough. If he does get a full-time job, he's putting you on notice he will dump his rotten attitude on you.
> 
> It also appears you are too weak to just walk away from what sounds like a thoroughly crappy marriage to a lazy man with a huge sense of entitlement.
> 
> Whether your situation is divorce-worthy or not is something only you can decide.


:iagree:


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

It just doesn't seem to register that things are tough. But I don't know how much better it would be for our son if we divorced. 

Although I can already see he is growing up w a sense of entitlement as well. I'm trying to work on that. 

Life would be drastically different if I divorced and I would end up prob working more and seeing our son less. Maybe I'm just not appreciative enough of a stay at home dad. Maybe I'm the [email protected]? I don't know. That's how I feel. 





Prodigal said:


> It appears your husband isn't interested in working more than a few hours a day. If you don't like it, tough. If he does get a full-time job, he's putting you on notice he will dump his rotten attitude on you.
> 
> It also appears you are too weak to just walk away from what sounds like a thoroughly crappy marriage to a lazy man with a huge sense of entitlement.
> 
> Whether your situation is divorce-worthy or not is something only you can decide.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mega, what exactly are your priorities? His is clearly "being there for son." While that's great in principle, in practice, it seems to be hurting your family. His desire to be with son doesn't trump your right to spend family time, too. 

On the other hand, $170k a year income is more than enough to live comfortably. Is your son suffering the loss of parent time because you want a bigger house or newer car? 

There are many families making it comfortably on $100k a year. What will work for YOUR family is something you and hubby will have to determine. You need to highlight your individual priorities and compare them. Negotiate how to have the top two or three priorities addressed and let all those other competing things take a back seat.

If his list said: 1. Relationship with son 2. Relationship with Mega. 3. A big house.

and your said: 

1. Comfortable lifestyle 2. Relationship with Hubby 3. Relationship with son

then you might determine that both of you have your marriage and your family relationships high, but you also want a comfortable lifestyle. You'll have to ask yourselves "How much comfort can we afford without harming the relationships we care more about?"


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Actually, I think this is reversed. Part of my trouble is that "I" want to spend time with our son. And I don't get to because I am not only bringing in too little to make everyone happy with my primary gig... I am trying to make up for it with my side consulting biz. So it seems that I'm the work horse and i have repeatedly told 
My husband that I want to be normal. Enjoy life. Stop worrying about business building etc. 

It seems the only way for me to achieve this is if I find the next big thing and have a rocking business that allows me to quit my day job and have money too. I'm working so hard to find this solution, but it's exhausting. I just want to have more time being me... Being with my family. And enjoying life. All I do is work. And it's really getting to me. So I told that to my husband and his response is essentially that he doesn't want to take a very good paying job. 

He would work Til 5. Son gets out of school at 3:15. I currently work until 9 every night! 



KathyBatesel said:


> Mega, what exactly are your priorities? His is clearly "being there for son." While that's great in principle, in practice, it seems to be hurting your family. His desire to be with son doesn't trump your right to spend family time, too.
> 
> On the other hand, $170k a year income is more than enough to live comfortably. Is your son suffering the loss of parent time because you want a bigger house or newer car?
> 
> ...


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

So why is it specifically that you are working two jobs... where is the money going? What can't you afford that requires you to work the extra job? I am assuming it is to do with the bankruptcy which is why it is *you* working extra and not your H?

(Apologies if this sounds obvious... I do not know much about bankruptcy.)


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Agreed with walkingwounded...why are you working the night shift on your separate job? I think it is commendable that your husband wants to be there for your child, and until he NEEDS to work he won't. Quit your 2nd job, live on less, and if he wants to have the bigger house, more $$ stuff, then he has to work. 

It sounds like you don't care as much about the material things so I don't know why you are working yourself into the ground for it. It can be addictive to work a lot, I know. Sometimes you have to take control for the lifestyle you want (more time with your kid, less stress) and just do it.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mega1 said:


> Actually, I think this is reversed. Part of my trouble is that "I" want to spend time with our son. And I don't get to because I am not only bringing in too little to make everyone happy with my primary gig... I am trying to make up for it with my side consulting biz. So it seems that I'm the work horse and i have repeatedly told
> My husband that I want to be normal. Enjoy life. Stop worrying about business building etc.
> 
> It seems the only way for me to achieve this is if I find the next big thing and have a rocking business that allows me to quit my day job and have money too. I'm working so hard to find this solution, but it's exhausting. I just want to have more time being me... Being with my family. And enjoying life. All I do is work. And it's really getting to me. So I told that to my husband and his response is essentially that he doesn't want to take a very good paying job.
> ...


You are burnt out, clearly. But take responsibility for it and change it, your husband is being clear that he wants to be happy & working the city job for 70k would not make him happy. I respect that. I once worked like you do, and then I divorced and was forced to cut back so I could take care of my kids. It was the best thing that happened to me but I needed that catalyst. Forget about your husband, the money. What do YOU want your life to look like? How much money do you really need, do a budget, etc. 

I don't remember from your other thread, have you & your husband actually done a budget together so he can see how much money you need to live your lifestyle?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

greenfern said:


> You are burnt out, clearly. But take responsibility for it and change it, your husband is being clear that he wants to be happy & working the city job for 70k would not make him happy.


If the husband was single and not happily letting his wife bear the brunt as long as he can get away with it that would be fine.

The problem is that women lose respect, and then desire, for men who decide they shouldn't have to put any effort into bringing income into the marriage.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

If one spouse if fine with working so the other one can manage the household, it's a good arrangement as long as both are in agreement. Does hubby have any empathy that your time to spend with your child is limited due to him not working and/or needing goods and services that aren't really necessary?

Bankruptcy changes the rules and wants. Everyone would like to be there for the child. If the ship is sinking, that isn't doing the child any good. If the working parent doesn't have time for anything but work, that isn't doing the child or marriage any good.

The non working spouse needs to understand that either drastic lifestyle cutbacks need to be made or contribute financially. It is a good lesson for the child also that we can't always have everything we want and a lesson in respect also.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

Face it, you're married to a deadbeat. DS gets out of school at 3:15 and H could be home by 5:00. That's 1 hr and 45 minutes son would be with a babysitter or at an afterschool program. Then, he could have BOTH of his parents in the evening. When you bring this up, H threatens Walgreens? Entitled much? What is this teaching your son? He needs a mother, too. 

I'm so sorry you are in this position. However, you are choosing to be in this position. I would let cut back to your main job and let material things fall apart around you if they must. Your H needs to step up and be a husband and a father. Right now, he has play time ALL morning. This is less about being Dad, and more about being lazy.

My sister's H is like this. No kids, but she now carries the burden of being the only bread winner heading into retirement with health issues. Her H has a standard of living that he deems acceptable, so all of the burden and worries fall to her. You are young, still. I hope you work this out and teach your son some sort of work ethic. I also hope you teach him that women are not there just to provide 100%. Your H is taking advantage of you, and you are letting him.

Stop working such long hours. If things fail, so what. Maybe your H will look around and actually take some responsibility for the state of things. Your son needs your time, too. You have so much to teach him. If you do not build a relationship with him now, while he's young, when will you???? Do not default on your son. Everything else is just material.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Oldrandwisr said:


> If one spouse if fine with working so the other one can manage the household, it's a good arrangement as long as both are in agreement. Does hubby have any empathy that your time to spend with your child is limited due to him not working and/or needing goods and services that aren't really necessary?
> 
> Bankruptcy changes the rules and wants. Everyone would like to be there for the child. If the ship is sinking, that isn't doing the child any good. If the working parent doesn't have time for anything but work, that isn't doing the child or marriage any good.
> 
> The non working spouse needs to understand that either drastic lifestyle cutbacks need to be made or contribute financially. It is a good lesson for the child also that we can't always have everything we want and a lesson in respect also.


The thing is I think he does work, its just part time. Mega1, its something like 3 hours a day & he earns somewhere around 45k a year, correct? Is the extra 25k a year, increased stress for him taking a job he doesn't want, the child being disrupted in his normal care routine, worth it?

What I think the bigger problem is you have some idea of an income you *need* and you will just work harder and harder to get it. That makes you blame him even though (perhaps?) he hasn't asked you to do it? I'm really not clear how much he is forcing you to work these hours or if you are just doing it because you have a better handle on the finances and know that it is necessary.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I had to file bankruptcy (alone) but as I stated previously -- it was dismissed. That means it wasn't granted.

So, I'm trying to avoid it, by trying to do a settlement with different people I owe money to. That means I have about 
100k in debt. It is almost entirely due to a lawsuit that I ended up settling. But, (long story)...I ended up handling the mediation etc. When I offered to settle the debt (it was the best decision) for 10k....I got it done. However, my husband screwed up the bank deposit that covered the settlement. He made a deposit in the ATM and told me I was good to write the check. Well, the check bounced and I ended up with a HUGE penalty of 100k because of it. It was insane. My husband advised me to file bankruptcy...because of HIS bank mistake.

So to answer the questions here -- I am trying to work my ars* off to get this all taken care of withOUT refiling bankruptcy. My husband doesn't seem to want to do that..... 

He agreed to downsize on our house lease. This is good.. and he's trying to cut back on spending. However, he just doesn't seem to want to take a full time job. The problem with his current arrangement is that it's hit or miss. It could be 3k one month...and nothing the next. That's why I am trying to get him to take a job.

This past weekend, as I posted, I broke down crying...sad that I feel so trapped about our current circumstances and scared. And his response was that he may get the interview for the full time job, buy that he really feels he shouldn't take it...because he wants to keep going the way he is... 

So....I can honestly say it's driving me crazy... I realize that I don't feel propelled to leave for some reason (probably my bad childhood filled with abuse)... but I also recognize if I don't right the ship..we will have nothing. 

I do like the fact that he's home for our son....and I think that's really good. But, he would just have a sitter 2 hours a day....if my husband had a real job. It just seems like a no brainer.

My husband and I used to work for the same company and now one of my co-workers suggested him for a job opening. My boss called me in and asked if it was okay with me if they spoke with him. I said it was...he is VERY talented in his own niche.

However, today my husband told me that he wanted me to go find out what the hours/pay would be before he even formally applied. He then suggested again that I go ask my boss to create a position for him so he could work in my department...because he thinks my co-workers suck. 

Bottom line, my husband is very good at his job and I think he would be an asset to our company. However, do you see what he's doing? He's using me to try to get his "perfect scenario".....

I think my resentment comes in when I recognize that I would LOVE to have his selective life. I can't even phathom being able to say ...honey, I want to stay home for our son and work part time. I would LOVE that , but it's not even in the cards. I am realistic. He's not. 

So should I continue to allow this behavior? I have already done SO MUCH for him...and I want him to work...so of course, I try to help.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Oh I thought you were "in" bankruptcy not trying to avoid it - I don't really know anything about bankruptcy.

But I do know about being a workaholic & not being able to let go of it (from my first marriage) and I know about being jealous of someone for living a lifestyle you wish you could have (my current relationship).

If I could suggest - do NOT have him work in your company. That seems like a recipe for disaster, his behaviour will reflect on you, and you will be even more bitter towards him. What if he called in sick & wasn't really sick? Ugh.

I still think a firm budget is the way to go. Maybe you can do "his", "hers", and "ours". He is responsible for his part of the budget which means you don't get to micro manage him but there are consequences if he doesn't meet his end of the bargain. You don't bail him out, keep your money separate somehow and don't even tell him how much you are making. The thing here is you are so used to being in control, you need to let go of that. 

The tricky part there is the debt, I really don't still understand your situation, you are paying a 90k penalty to creditors? Are you paying this monthly, do you have a plan? That debt needs to come out of both of your budgets. While it was your husbands bank mistake, is it possible that bankruptcy actually is the best solution?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're not married to a team player. Your son is a convenient excuse for him not to carry his share. And by the way, your son is going to grow up fast and you'll miss everything. Is the money worth it? Call his bluff; stop working nights, file bankruptcy (which by the way is joint debt- you're married) and let the chips fall. If you divorce him he'll have to get a job. As it stands right now you'd have to pay him child support and alimony. I repeat: stop making excuses and stop working so much. Hubby will have to suck it up.
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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I really don't have any choice about my hours. I have to work until 10pm every night. I go into work around 12:30. I spend the morning working on my consulting business.

I do wake up and take our son to school in the morning at 6:30....so I get to spend some time with him and I try to make it home for dinner. 

I just can't quit...my job because it's our main bread and butter.

So...for me...I'm stuck. I've got to keep up the hours...until my contract is up (another 1.5 years) or I win the lotto.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You're not as stuck as you think; you have tunnel vision. Think about it.
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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Well, it's my career -- and if I just quit -- I wouldn't be able to get a job that pays nearly as well.

If I were to leave my husband -- I would need that career to hang on to... and help pay my bills.

I agree I may have tunnel vision, but what would you suggest, if you were in my shoes?

My husband has improved a lot over the years -- but in this area-- he remains weak. I was upset a few years ago and told him I wanted to quit and go to law school. This was when he was working fulltime. He nearly had a heart attack. Seriously. He told me that was impossible.... and it was. Still is.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mega1 said:


> I think my resentment comes in when I recognize that I would LOVE to have his selective life. I can't even phathom being able to say ...honey, I want to stay home for our son and work part time. I would LOVE that , but it's not even in the cards. I am realistic. He's not.
> 
> So should I continue to allow this behavior? I have already done SO MUCH for him...and I want him to work...so of course, I try to help.


mega, you posted about this before and got tons of responses. I mean, how long are you going to keep asking total strangers out in cyberspace as to whether or not you should tolerate his crap and stay?

The reason your husband has a "selective" lifestyle is because you enable it. Yes, you do allow his behavior. What are you looking for - permission from total strangers to get a backbone and tell this jerk to pull his fair share or pound dirt?

You won't stop enabling, but you resent him for taking advantage of you ... which YOU allow. And an FYI ... most of the TAM folks who responded to you the last time around are not longer responding.

Why? Because you keep asking the same old questions over and over. You either have the guts to tell your husband to pull his weight or get out. Either way, you don't see your son much.

Frankly, I wouldn't want a man like your husband raising/influencing my child. So quit going 'round and 'round the same old mountain.

Either make MAJOR changes in your marriage and tell your husband to stop his whining or suck it up.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

mega1 said:


> My husband has improved a lot over the years -- but in this area-- he remains weak. I was upset a few years ago and told him I wanted to quit and go to law school. This was when he was working fulltime. He nearly had a heart attack. Seriously. He told me that was impossible.... and it was. Still is.


Not going to law school may be the luckiest thing that ever happened to you. Starting in about 2008/2009 the entire job market for new law school grads competely imploded. Heck, for all lawyers, not just new grads. Many established firms folded and even partners were laid off. The number of people applying to law school is down about 50% from just a few years ago (i think that is what I heard), because there are simply too many lawyers and not enough jobs. I attended a recent ABA meeting and one of the major topics of discussion we had was how to expand the use of your law degree.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mega1 said:


> I really don't have any choice about my hours. I have to work until 10pm every night. I go into work around 12:30. I spend the morning working on my consulting business.
> 
> I do wake up and take our son to school in the morning at 6:30....so I get to spend some time with him and I try to make it home for dinner.
> 
> ...


I don't think anyone was saying quit your day job, just your "night job" (which sounds like your morning job?)

Is there any way for you to get a job with more normal hours 12:30 to 10pm is a tough shift. I guess you must work from home though? Sounds like you would have very little time to spend with your husband maybe he doesn't want to get a 9 to 5 partly because then you two would never see each other?
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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

With child support I make way less than 50k. Including my job and I have 3 children. I just cannot wrap my head around this, even with the debt, that you cannot survive off of one 6 figure salary, even if it were just 100k. Yes, you need to establish a payment plan for the settlement, but seriously, you also need to cut back DRASTICALLY. 

Is it tight off of barely over poverty level? Yes. Am I in debt out my ears? Yes. Most of which was marital debt, so I'm doing better about taking on more. But I've been working with creditors to correct that. And I've had a few kind souls help me in emergencies. But, it does not come close to even what your husband makes part time.

You cannot continue to live like you do. Really, 45k for a part time job is excellent. I'd be ecstatic with that as my full time job right now. I don't believe he is being a dead beat. If he worked, more childcare costs would cut into that. Part time care is even expensive. 

I believe your joint expectations for living are too high. You need to examine this, and cut out all extras. No more gifts, no more restaraunts, no more trips until you get a hold of things. Budget. Seriously budget. It can be done.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I am not too familiar with the bankruptcy laws in your country, but your husband sounds a bit inconsiderate of the sacrifices you are making to upkeep the family's standard of living and he seems to be using the SAHD / being there for the kid argument as an excuse for his laziness.
You're out working your a$$ off to provide for the family and he's holding back?
A basic " man code" in life is "_ never thrive off another man's
[ woman's] labour ._"
Doesn't sound like an " equal partner" arrangement to me.
Is that divorce worthy?
Yes , I think it is.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

mega1, 

I went over your posting history and I've gotta tell you that this whole finances thing is really only the tip of the iceberg. At least from what I've read in your posts you really don't seem to be happy with any aspect of your marriage. I am not anti or pro divorce but in your case I think you should consider it. If you can't resolve your issues after making an effort there is no point in going through life miserable. 

On a side note, you are very fortunate to have good income. If you make some changes and reduce spending in some areas you should be able to recover.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I am not too familiar with the bankruptcy laws in your country, but your husband sounds a bit inconsiderate of the sacrifices you are making to upkeep the family's standard of living and he seems to be using the SAHD / being there for the kid argument as an excuse for his laziness.
> You're out working your a$$ off to provide for the family and he's holding back?
> A basic " man code" in life is "_ never thrive off another man's
> [ woman's] labour ._"
> ...


Exactly, it doesn't seem that there is equality in this marriage. OP is working for some 16 hours a day while H is working for 4 hours (I guess, since it's part-time), and H working full time only sacrifices less than 2 hours of interaction with their son anyways, but it makes a big difference for OP. Doesn't OP deserve to be with their son as well?

There is a limit to selfishness, and such selfishness and lack of consideration wrecks relationships. If he doesn't care about that then he doesn't deserve a wife.

Personally I wouldn't mind my H working only part time and stay home, as long as I can handle it and our overall effort (work + house chores and such) is balanced, but no way I'd be happy if my H feels entitled to work part-time while I'll endure 16 hours. Geez, 16 hours of work is crazy!!


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> Exactly, it doesn't seem that there is equality in this marriage. OP is working for some 16 hours a day while H is working for 4 hours (I guess, since it's part-time), and H working full time only sacrifices less than 2 hours of interaction with their son anyways, but it makes a big difference for OP. Doesn't OP deserve to be with their son as well?
> 
> There is a limit to selfishness, and such selfishness and lack of consideration wrecks relationships. If he doesn't care about that then he doesn't deserve a wife.
> 
> Personally I wouldn't mind my H working only part time and stay home, as long as I can handle it and our overall effort (work + house chores and such) is balanced, but no way I'd be happy if my H feels entitled to work part-time while I'll endure 16 hours. Geez, 16 hours of work is crazy!!


Since OP works from 2:30 pm to 10pm, she wouldn't see son more anyways, whether the husband takes the full time job or not.

It does sound like there are other major issues in the marriage and you (mega) are just focussing on the financial aspect. You guys must not spend any time together, since you are working constantly & when not working clearly under a lot of stress. When do you get time to be together? And as myself & other posters have stated, do you have a budget? Have you consultant an accountant or whoever gives bankruptcy advice to see if it is the best option for you? I see a lot of blame applied to H when there is also some work to be done on yourself.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

mega1 said:


> So, I'm trying to avoid it, by trying to do a settlement with different people I owe money to. That means I have about 100k in debt. It is almost entirely due to a lawsuit that I ended up settling. But, (long story)...I ended up handling the mediation etc. When I offered to settle the debt (it was the best decision) for 10k....I got it done. However, my husband screwed up the bank deposit that covered the settlement. He made a deposit in the ATM and told me I was good to write the check. Well, the check bounced and I ended up with a HUGE penalty of 100k because of it. It was insane. My husband advised me to file bankruptcy...because of HIS bank mistake.
> 
> I missed this reading this part earlier, a lot of questions here. Did you have an attorney file for bankruptcy on your behalf?
> 
> Was the 10k a settlement amount agreed upon through mediation? Who imposed the 100k penalty? This seems unjust and quite extreme to me. Have you had an attorney try to negotiate the penalty amount? Penalties can often be negotiated down.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yes, that mess is just too far along. I used an attorney and it is absolutely a done deal, unfortunately.

Thanks for thinking about this..though.

I know i've gotten some tough feedback for continuing to post about my issues. I think at the end of the day...I am just so scared to leave. I am scared for our son....and I'm scared for all of us.

But, days like today, make me realize he's a bit more of a liability than anything else. Texting me and calling me at work...because he can't find keys... or needs to tell me something he heard on the radio. And he KNOWs that I was so, so SO overwhelmed today. 

The worst part is that I requested to move into a cheaper lease house. But the house he picked I HATE. He wouldn't budge and I am SO depressed about the move. It's supposed to be tomorrow. And he didn't take the day off and expects me to handle it all by myself in the morning. I told him tonight that I was going to push it back... because I can't do it all alone and he said he'd do his best to be home by noon. The movers come at 8:30 am! And I have to do it all.... 

I told him I was cancelling and I was going to try to find a replacement tenant and find a house that "I" like too. He's livid. Told me he's forbidding me from cancelling. 

He is SO angry with me. I don't take confrontation well and I am trying very hard to be strong. 

It's just that I hate where we are moving to...I hate that I have to handle the move individually and I am VERY depressed. 

Seems like an awful future...that I just can't seem to see with glass half full anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here's the deal, mega ... quit making lame excuses to stay in a marriage. Why do I say that?

Because you keep b!tching and try to justify it. I'm afraid, I hate confrontation, I'm this, I'm that. 

Hon, you don't want to leave this man because you get something out of playing the martyr/victim role. It's all on you.

I KNOW all I need to know, or want to know, about your husband. I don't like him. You don't like him. 

But if you are going to stay, it is your choice. No, you aren't afraid to leave. This isn't a diagnosis of a brain tumor. It's a dysfunctional marriage. Nothing more. You are afraid to break out of the role you play.

After all, if you leave him, you can no longer play the hero who holds up the sagging marriage. You will only have yourself to blame for your shortcomings and mistakes. Yep, hubs does serve a purpose. 

But staying in this marriage allows you to find someone else to be unhappy about (other than yourself). 

This isn't tough advice. It's just the reality of WHAT IS. 

By all means stay with your husband if you want to. But for cryin' out loud, if you are going to stay then you have to accept him for who he is. He doesn't want to change.

And as long as you let this guy walk all over you, but keep complaining about it when he does ... I suggest you seriously consider how long you can keep venting on this forum before people just tire of giving you advice.

mega, why don't you just state what it is you want ... for YOU and your son. Try to leave your husband out of the equation. Because what he is doing is his to own; not yours.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Mega,

First of all, I have to say that I am impressed that you actually took a real step to improve your finances by going through with the move. I wasn't sure that was really ever going to happen, so good for you. 

Second, moving is one of the biggest stressors in life (I am about to do it myself!). I think maybe you shouldn't try to decide IMMEDIATELY whether you should divorce, like put thinking about that on hold for a month or so at least. Remember that getting your finances in order may help you think more clearly about the marriage. As I said in your other threads, you make enough money that you could be comfortable, and yet you are stressed about money because of your bad financial situation, which in turn increases your resentment of your husband, who is not making much. I think that if you could get to a place where you don't NEED him to make more (since he may or may not ever do it), it will be easier to examine the marriage otherwise.

Third, about the house: you will find ways to like it. You hate it now, but you will decorate it and put your things in it and make it your own. I have moved four times with my wife and am on #5, and my wife and I often go through this thing where one or the other of us hates the move at first (the house, the location, etc.) but then grows into it.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Yes, that mess is just too far along. I used an attorney and it is absolutely a done deal, unfortunately.
> 
> mega,
> 
> ...


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

It seems like from your newer post that you didn't move over the weekend...and are still trying to decide where to go? Or did you move & now are considering moving again?

I really think you could use some stability in your life mega1, and maybe trying to break a second lease would not be the best financial move at the moment? 

Have you done a long term budget for the repayment of your debt, I watch a lifestyle show called "til debt do us part" you should check it out! It is for couples who are in bad financial situations & it is causing stress & relationship problems. The goal for the couples is to define a FIRM budget, with about a 3year debt repayment plan. If you knew each month what you would pay, maybe you wouldn't work so much or be so stressed. 100k is not that much debt to pay off in 3 years if you have a combined salary of around 140k & reasonable living expenses.

I'm not really clear I guess what you are doing to solve your problems other than getting super stressed & lashing out at your husband. He agrees to move to a smaller/cheaper place but then you don't like it. He starts looking for more freelance but you are pushing for the city job. 

Have you gone to personal therapy? Do you do any stress management techniques like meditation, yoga?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, the FIRST thing I would do in your situation is get a new bank account and move ALL MY MONEY into it so he cannot touch it. Set up a debit card at your grocery store, pay the bills (the real bills, not the 'stuff' bills), and save up the rest of your money. Eventually, you will have a cushion to allow you to change jobs to match your son's school hours and move away from him with your son. 

At THAT point, he can either find himself a freakin' job and get to move back in with you...or go homeless.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

You know what may be most remarkable? I discovered that my husband has read some of the posts here.... 
But he has NEVER said anything to me about this. 

I am stunned! 


turnera said:


> Well, the FIRST thing I would do in your situation is get a new bank account and move ALL MY MONEY into it so he cannot touch it. Set up a debit card at your grocery store, pay the bills (the real bills, not the 'stuff' bills), and save up the rest of your money. Eventually, you will have a cushion to allow you to change jobs to match your son's school hours and move away from him with your son.
> 
> At THAT point, he can either find himself a freakin' job and get to move back in with you...or go homeless.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He thinks you're too weak to do anything. That's why he hasn't said anything.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mega1 said:


> You know what may be most remarkable? I discovered that my husband has read some of the posts here....
> But he has NEVER said anything to me about this.
> 
> I am stunned!
> ...


Based on your other description that when confronted with a direct question he doesn't seem to be able to answer, I'm not surprised.

I'm a little like that and it frustrates my boyfriend a lot. When I feel confronted I get a bit "deer in the headlights" and I can't seem to get any words out. If you can't have conversations you should read a nonviolent communication book. Super helpful for me in the past (I think I need to read it again now!).


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

mega1 said:


> You know what may be most remarkable? I discovered that my husband has read some of the posts here....
> But he has NEVER said anything to me about this.
> 
> I am stunned!
> ...


He had a thread I think:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/129482-dealbreaker.html#post4834506


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I read your original thread, I am not surprised by this at all. Your husband is a lazy, selfish leech. He is using time with your son as his excuse because he is lazy. He does not give a damn about you, your feelings, or your well being. This is divorce worthy, not because of it on its own as a single instance, but because of the large, destructive picture it represents.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Husband helped fixed the plumbing. I know that he likes to be dramatic. Blowing things out of proportion. 


Someone recently asked about the situation with our dog. Maltese dog who was biting our son and snapping at people. 

So I got him neutered and behavioral training and today he lunged at our son's face again. So I said no more. Dog has to go. 

My son is heart broken but I promised him we'd get another dog .. In time. 

I was looking at pics online with my son of dogs.,, trying to get his mind off of it. My husband got upset and told us that we should not be disrespectful to our current dog and not to talk about other dogs in his presence. 

Just when I think he's acting like a normal person.. He throws that out. Really? Can't offend our current dog? 



3Xnocharm said:


> I read your original thread, I am not surprised by this at all. Your husband is a lazy, selfish leech. He is using time with your son as his excuse because he is lazy. He does not give a damn about you, your feelings, or your well being. This is divorce worthy, not because of it on its own as a single instance, but because of the large, destructive picture it represents.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Yes it is.


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