# Husband Booted Me Out Of Our Bed



## Jengirlginny (Oct 18, 2021)

My feelings are kinda hurt but maybe I’m being selfish. Me and the hubs, Dave, have been married 23 years. We had kids right away, and one baby was a difficult sleeper. So to get our sleep, I had to sleep in the guest room temporarily for a couple years. Dave & I would stay up late watching tv and we would have intimate time in the master bed and then I would have to go sleep with my kid who would wake up if I wasn’t in bed with him. Dave missed me and would ask me to try to get back into our bed. Believe me I wanted to but it was hard on both of us to be woken up all night by an insomniac kid. 

Finally I was able to start sleeping in our master bed with Dave. I had a back injury, and I began having trouble with our mattress which was old and lumpy. We got a new one. We had the new one for a month or so and I felt it was too firm. Dave thought it was fine for him and I would end up liking it. Rather than swap it out, Dave wanted to keep it. I had to move into the guest room once again on a queen mattress for myself just to get sleep.

A couple of years went by, and Dave & I started feeling more like roommates. There was minimal cuddling & spending time together. I would go to my bed and he to his. I was lonely but started watching tv in my room and it helped my loneliness. Dave started going into work hours earlier than normal, then coming home and going to bed hours earlier. This was odd because he was never doing this before. I found out he was growing close to a coworker and they were spending a lot of time together (on projects, lunching together, coffee breaks etc). This was several years ago. We went to counseling and picked out a new mattress so I could move back into the master bedroom with Dave. For the next year, we were happy in bed together. We loved our new mattress and Dave told me he never wanted me to leave our bed again. 

Then I started having menopause symptoms. The night sweats became almost intolerable. The wonderful new mattress (made of foam) became a melting pot when I tried to sleep. I would have to strip down nude and sleep with a wet rag on my neck every night. Dave is cold natured so he piled covers over himself and me- my nights were awful. 

Dave was sympathetic at first then over the last year really impatient with me. He became a light sleeper so anytime I would move to get comfortable he’d wake up. He started being mean about it. He would tell me how horrible his sleep was (even tho he got 7+ hrs while I would be sweating & get 3-4 hrs.

I bought a twin springs mattress and put it in another room and slept on the floor two weeks. Lo and behold, I didn’t sweat any and actually could sleep in a gown with a comforter and not get hot.

I reported this to Dave and told him I think the answer is for us to sell our foam mattress and get an innerspring. Then we could stay together in bed. Then Dave started pointing out excuses why not to do that (it’s expensive, my schedule is not the same as his, we don’t agree on the covers, etc). This discussion has went on for weeks with no budging on his part. He has no interest in a new mattress. He isn’t begging to sleep with me anymore. He doesn’t seem to care. Frustrated, I decided I can’t keep sleeping on a little twin bed…so I went out and bought an inexpensive queen mattress at Sams Club. He happily help me set it up and went into his foam bed with no problem. He doesn’t miss his wife in bed anymore. It is worrisome because I’m afraid we will grow apart again. How should this be worked out?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Get one of those sleep number beds, Goldilocks.
Or divorce Dave. He’s cheated for years most likely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Isn't there something you could put on the foam mattress to make you more comfortable? I googled "make foam mattress cooler" and all sorts of things comes up.

Core Mattress Pad | Slumber Cloud® 
BedJet 3 Bed Climate Control Comfort System 
No more waking up sweaty (eightsleep.com) 
How to Make a Memory Foam Mattress Sleep Cooler | Sleep Foundation

And get him to go to a counselor with you to fix your now very injured marriage.


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## Jengirlginny (Oct 18, 2021)

Yes I bought a cooling mattress pad 6 months ago. It worked well until it was washed. Now it no longer cools. I wanted to sell our mattress and use the $ to buy a new one using money I’ve saved up. He just loves his mattress more than me I guess!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jengirlginny said:


> Yes I bought a cooling mattress pad 6 months ago. It worked well until it was washed. Now it no longer cools. I wanted to sell our mattress and use the $ to buy a new one using money I’ve saved up. *He just loves his mattress more than me I guess!*


I don't see it that way at all. What it sounds like is you have a problem, and you want to make it your husband's problem as well, and he is refusing to accept that. It's hard to know exactly what he's thinking, because he isn't here posting his thoughts like you are, but I wouldn't look at his actions about the mattress as specifically unloving.

There are other things you posted that sound more concerning to me about your marriage, but you aren't asking about those.

So if your only problem is wanting to sleep in your bed with your husband, since YOU are the one who is uncomfortable, YOU need to solve this yourself...which should be relatively easy. You say the cooling pad worked until you washed it? Why not buy a new one again? Why go through the hassle to sell and then repurchase a giant mattress? Why not use hormone cream to help reduce the sweating (or get something stronger from your doctor)?

And it's possible that your husband doesn't want to sell the mattress because he is frustrated that you keep having reasons to leave the bed, and you keep dragging HIM into them and not making sleeping with him YOUR priority and your own problem to solve.

The part of your post that I bolded sounds a little childish and petulant to me, because your mattress issue is a VERY simple problem to solve. It makes me wonder what else is going on between you two that would cause you to believe you only have one solution, and that your husband's refusal means he doesn't love you enough.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jengirlginny said:


> Yes I bought a cooling mattress pad 6 months ago. It worked well until it was washed. Now it no longer cools. I wanted to sell our mattress and use the $ to buy a new one using money I’ve saved up. He just loves his mattress more than me I guess!


I wonder if the issue is the brand you bought. Have you contacted the manufacturer to ask them why it no longer is cooling? I don't know how much it cost, cut it seems that they are not cheap. They should stand behind their products.

Maybe he thinks your complaints about the mattress is just you acting out. Some people do not have the capacity for a lot of empathy. And, to add to that he's very comfortable on the mattress and so from his point of view, you care about the mattress (the one you need) more than you care about him. See how this works?

There are some beds that are 2 mattresses one for him and one for her.

Can you two really afford to just keep buying mattresses until you find the one that works for both of you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't see it that way at all. What it sounds like is you have a problem, and you want to make it your husband's problem as well, and he is refusing to accept that. It's hard to know exactly what he's thinking, because he isn't here posting his thoughts like you are, but I wouldn't look at his actions about the mattress as specifically unloving.
> 
> There are other things you posted that sound more concerning to me about your marriage, but you aren't asking about those.
> 
> ...


 Good points.

The hormone cream could really help. There are some that have progesterone that are sold at health food stores. Here were I live I used to buy it at a health/grocery store called Sprouts. It worked wonders. Talking to your doctor is a good idea too as they might have something to help.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You sure you just don't have a problem with him?
Two years of sleeping with a child every night and not with H has built up his tolerance to not having you in the marriage bed. Now he's approaching this as he's been sadly conditioned.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well you seem to have spent an awful lot of money on all these beds, but why not try 2 smaller beds pushed together. You can then have different mattresses and bedcovers but still be next to each other.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Have you considered Hormone Replacement Therapy?


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

OP, you basically glossed over what happened with and in regard to the coworker he was getting too close with other than to say "we went to counciling and got a new mattress". Can you please elaborate. It sounds to me like you didn't (and may still not) just have a mattress problem. Sounds like you may also still have an OW problem. I'd be more concerned about that than the mattress depending on what his contact with this OW entailed and how this was remedied.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jengirlginny said:


> My feelings are kinda hurt but maybe I’m being selfish. Me and the hubs, Dave, have been married 23 years. We had kids right away, and one baby was a difficult sleeper. So to get our sleep, I had to sleep in the guest room temporarily for a couple years. Dave & I would stay up late watching tv and we would have intimate time in the master bed and then I would have to go sleep with my kid who would wake up if I wasn’t in bed with him. Dave missed me and would ask me to try to get back into our bed. Believe me I wanted to but it was hard on both of us to be woken up all night by an insomniac kid.
> 
> Finally I was able to start sleeping in our master bed with Dave. I had a back injury, and I began having trouble with our mattress which was old and lumpy. We got a new one. We had the new one for a month or so and I felt it was too firm. Dave thought it was fine for him and I would end up liking it. Rather than swap it out, Dave wanted to keep it. I had to move into the guest room once again on a queen mattress for myself just to get sleep.
> 
> ...


This is why my wife and I vowed that we will never sleep separately. If we are both at home we are in the same bed. In 30+ years there might be 10 times one of us slept elsewhere in the house because they were sick or had a bout of insomnia. I think sleeping apart has damaged your marriage, possibly beyond the point of repair based on the comment about your husband getting close to a coworker. That kind of thing only happens when he has started to lose the connection with you. Is he still in contact with this other person and are you sure it didn't become a physical affair? 

My wife started having menopausal night sweats about a year ago. I didn't boot her to another bed, I did everything I could to make her comfortable in OUR bed. I put in a ceiling fan, bought her a small fan for her nightstand and we drop the temp a few degrees at night. Why didn't you just put that queen mattress right into your master bedroom? It never should have been an option to be in another room. The master bedroom is as much your as it is his. The answer is stop sleeping in another room. Park yourself right in bed with him. Get yourself some fans, ice packs or something else to keep you cool. If you don't get back into bed with him you are just living as roommates. Either come to terms with that or do something about it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I put my foot down early in our marriage and said if my wife wanted to sleep in a different room (because I snored sometimes), we would not stay married. And the truth was, it had little to do with my snoring and much to do with her messed up feelings about sex (a long story still waiting for the final chapters to be written).

I had absolutely no idea what I was up against at the time. Neither has OP’s husband. OP set in motion something that she has to take responsibility for. Unfortunately OP may be heading down a rabbit hole where she learns some very inconvenient truths about the direction their relationship might have taken. 

Separate beds same room maybe. Different room isn’t a marriage. Something else is going on and the insomniac kid is helping to fuel that something else and isn’t likely the cause.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is why my wife and I vowed that we will never sleep separately. If we are both at home we are in the same bed. In 30+ years there might be 10 times one of us slept elsewhere in the house because they were sick or had a bout of insomnia. I think sleeping apart has damaged your marriage, possibly beyond the point of repair based on the comment about your husband getting close to a coworker. That kind of thing only happens when he has started to lose the connection with you. Is he still in contact with this other person and are you sure it didn't become a physical affair?
> 
> My wife started having menopausal night sweats about a year ago. I didn't boot her to another bed, I did everything I could to make her comfortable in OUR bed. I put in a ceiling fan, bought her a small fan for her nightstand and we drop the temp a few degrees at night. Why didn't you just put that queen mattress right into your master bedroom? It never should have been an option to be in another room. The master bedroom is as much your as it is his. The answer is stop sleeping in another room. Park yourself right in bed with him. Get yourself some fans, ice packs or something else to keep you cool. If you don't get back into bed with him you are just living as roommates. Either come to terms with that or do something about it.


That's what I'm saying. 
And two years? That would be the day.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think the real question here is are you still having some level of marital intimacy and affection and personal interaction. 

It’s not all that uncommon for couples if menopausal age to not sleep in the same bed. 

My wife and I have completely separate bedrooms and haven’t slept together regularly for a few years. 

In fact I heard an interesting Suzanne Venker podcast where her guest advocated married couples not sleep together at all and that intimacy was actually improved by not routinely sleeping together. 

I think the devil is in the details on this one.
If you are each getting better night’s sleep so you feel more vigorous during the course of the day and are able to have more meaningful interaction, affection and intimacy, you may be better off sleeping separately. 

But if you find your relationship is steadily getting colder and more distant, there may be issues to address.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

If this were me, I would get myself to a doctor, or a naturopath, and figure out a solution to the menopause problem.


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## Jengirlginny (Oct 18, 2021)

I am currently taking HRT in the form of vaginal cream only. I have not yet decided IF I want to do systemic HRT due to possible cancer risk (it runs in my family). I am 2 years post menopause, and the night sweats are not quite as bad as they were originally. So I was trying to wait it out to see if they would go away. The vaginal cream has helped locally and also has helped with the night sweats/flashes about 30%. So- I have to make the decision do I want to sleep with my husband and risk getting cancer or sleep alone and wait this out. (By the way- my dear hubs would never consider a vasectomy for birth control due to his risk of getting prostate cancer from it....so we had to adapt our birth control around this. I couldn't have tubal ligation due to risk with blood clot disorder). 

I had a gentle conversation with the hubs today regarding not wanting this to be a permanent solution, and my hopes were to get back into bed together. He wanted to know why I was so worried about it. I told him that I was worried because when we slept separate before is when he started going into work 1-2 hours earlier and also coming home and going to bed at 9pm (but not to sleep until about 11) - which I thought was odd and excessive given he has never been on this rigid schedule before (this was the same time he was growing close to one of his coworkers). Also- he travels occasionally for work and back then when he would be on a work trip, he magically was able to stay out dining with his coworkers until 11pm (when at home he was a stickler about going to bed at 9). His behavior just didn't add up and this sleeping apart is sort of a trigger for me because it reminds me of that time. It seemed convenient for him that when I wasn't in our bed he could leave early without me noticing and spending hours in the bedroom alone before he actually went to sleep.

Everyone needs time for themselves- so I'm not knocking that. I certainly have no issues there and I don't follow him around like a little puppy. I actually was oblivious to anything going on at first when he enacted this rigid schedule back then and then when he announced he might want to try a separation- I was blindsided and dumbfounded. It was a wakeup call that we had become disconnected and we went to counseling. I moved back into the bedroom and we began having dates with each other and putting in the work. 

So now, I am certainly nervous (even though he is working at home due to the pandemic)....I'm nervous about sleeping like this should he start going back to work and traveling, etc. It could easily slide back into the same scenario. Also- I promised myself if he ever did that again- that I would be out the door. I'm not sure he has changed and had enough remorse not to do this again if the situation was ripe for it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jengirlginny said:


> My feelings are kinda hurt but maybe I’m being selfish. Me and the hubs, Dave, have been married 23 years. We had kids right away, and one baby was a difficult sleeper. So to get our sleep, I had to sleep in the guest room temporarily for a couple years. Dave & I would stay up late watching tv and we would have intimate time in the master bed and then I would have to go sleep with my kid who would wake up if I wasn’t in bed with him. Dave missed me and would ask me to try to get back into our bed. Believe me I wanted to but it was hard on both of us to be woken up all night by an insomniac kid.
> 
> Finally I was able to start sleeping in our master bed with Dave. I had a back injury, and I began having trouble with our mattress which was old and lumpy. We got a new one. We had the new one for a month or so and I felt it was too firm. Dave thought it was fine for him and I would end up liking it. Rather than swap it out, Dave wanted to keep it. I had to move into the guest room once again on a queen mattress for myself just to get sleep.
> 
> ...


He may not want to admit it, but he got used to sleeping by himself as many people do. Are you having any suspicions that he might have someone else to have sex with or do you think with age he is just losing some of his drive. Either is quite possible.

I have a close friend who wants stayed with me when we were a lot younger and even then she snored to the point where I couldn't get any sleep so I only let that go on for a month. Now ever since she's been married, she's been upset because her husband doesn't want to sleep in the same room with her or anywhere close either. She just doesn't understand that most people can't sleep through that.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How about selling all the mattresses and buying one of those queen beds with two mattresses that are different - then you can both have exactly what works for you.

I'm in peri-menopause and my husband and I still share a bed. I'm stripped down with the aircon and a fan on me, and he's under a pile of covers, pmsl.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This isn't about a mattress, it's about the fact that when he wanted to sleep in the same bed with you do be close to you, you didn't make it a priority. He gave up changed his priorities and doesn't' care now. He may very well be cheating, which he has NO excuse for by the way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why couldn't you simply move the queen mattress you like onto the floor of hte master bedroom, at least you are in there together?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

frusdil said:


> How about selling all the mattresses and buying one of those queen beds with two mattresses that are different - then you can both have exactly what works for you.


We have a king and we have two single mattresses on it, because I like a firm mattress and my wife a softer one... that said, I'm the sole user now and I'm enjoying the big space and the en-suit just for myself...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jengirlginny said:


> I am currently taking HRT in the form of vaginal cream only. I have not yet decided IF I want to do systemic HRT due to possible cancer risk (it runs in my family). I am 2 years post menopause, and the night sweats are not quite as bad as they were originally. So I was trying to wait it out to see if they would go away. The vaginal cream has helped locally and also has helped with the night sweats/flashes about 30%. So- I have to make the decision do I want to sleep with my husband and risk getting cancer or sleep alone and wait this out. (By the way- my dear hubs would never consider a vasectomy for birth control due to his risk of getting prostate cancer from it....so we had to adapt our birth control around this. I couldn't have tubal ligation due to risk with blood clot disorder).
> 
> I had a gentle conversation with the hubs today regarding not wanting this to be a permanent solution, and my hopes were to get back into bed together. He wanted to know why I was so worried about it. I told him that I was worried because when we slept separate before is when he started going into work 1-2 hours earlier and also coming home and going to bed at 9pm (but not to sleep until about 11) - which I thought was odd and excessive given he has never been on this rigid schedule before (this was the same time he was growing close to one of his coworkers). Also- he travels occasionally for work and back then when he would be on a work trip, he magically was able to stay out dining with his coworkers until 11pm (when at home he was a stickler about going to bed at 9). His behavior just didn't add up and this sleeping apart is sort of a trigger for me because it reminds me of that time. It seemed convenient for him that when I wasn't in our bed he could leave early without me noticing and spending hours in the bedroom alone before he actually went to sleep.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a constructive conversation. How did he respond to your reason for wanting to get back into the same bed?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

sokillme said:


> This isn't about a mattress, it's about the fact that when he wanted to sleep in the same bed with you do be close to you, you didn't make it a priority. He gave up changed his priorities and doesn't' care now. He may very well be cheating, which he has NO excuse for by the way.


I was going to say the same. This issue has nothing to do with a mattress.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Trident said:


> I was going to say the same. This issue has nothing to do with a mattress.


A bit... maybe 50%


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## Jengirlginny (Oct 18, 2021)

Ok more details you should know. When our child had issues sleeping, it was more than that- he had health problems too. We were exhausted. I was barely able to sleep because husband worked a 9-5 job and I took care of our child. 

Until the dr figured out he had an food allergy, he was constantly crying and awake. So I wanted sleep. Husband would paw at me while I was sleeping and try to be intimate at the wrong times. Also he slept like a baby and would heavily snore. He had more energy than me. He even threw himself on me one night in his sleep. That was the last straw. Who wants to be molested in their sleep?

This is the reason I slept in another bed for a while. My child was able to sleep better so was I. Also I had developed a chronic health problem and it was critical I got sleep (per my dr).
So if hubby is holding a grudge for this long and knowing all of this- he needs help. That shows serious passive aggressiveness on his part.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Jengirlginny said:


> Ok more details you should know. When our child had issues sleeping, it was more than that- he had health problems too. We were exhausted. I was barely able to sleep because husband worked a 9-5 job and I took care of our child.
> 
> Until the dr figured out he had an food allergy, he was constantly crying and awake. So I wanted sleep. Husband would paw at me while I was sleeping and try to be intimate at the wrong times. Also he slept like a baby and would heavily snore. He had more energy than me. He even threw himself on me one night in his sleep. That was the last straw. Who wants to be molested in their sleep?
> 
> ...


Well, just leave him, it seems he's too much effort for you to keep. But tell him your leaving sooner than later, so all can start moving on.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Jengirlginny said:


> Ok more details you should know. When our child had issues sleeping, it was more than that- he had health problems too. We were exhausted. I was barely able to sleep because husband worked a 9-5 job and I took care of our child.
> 
> Until the dr figured out he had an food allergy, he was constantly crying and awake. So I wanted sleep. Husband would paw at me while I was sleeping and try to be intimate at the wrong times. Also he slept like a baby and would heavily snore. He had more energy than me. He even threw himself on me one night in his sleep. That was the last straw. Who wants to be molested in their sleep?
> 
> ...


It may surprise you that he doesn't sound like he's the whole problem, perhaps just a minor part.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

On the hotness of the bed issue.
It seems you are sharing a blanket which is why when he pulls it up you get hot. You can easily sleep in the same king size bed without touching or sharing a blanket. We have 2 queen size blankets. 1 for him 1 for me. I get hot easy and I have never liked touching when sleeping and it doesn't help that my husband is super hot.

My husband snores and for a while my job I was going to bed at 4 am and getting up at 6:30 am some days so needless to say I wanted to sleep during those 2.5 hours. But hubby snored and snored so I took to sleeping in the spare bedroom on those days and our bedroom on the weekday. Eventually my husband went back on his CPAP to cut the snoring down. Has you husband ever had a sleep study for a CPAP machine?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jengirlginny said:


> Ok more details you should know. When our child had issues sleeping, it was more than that- he had health problems too. We were exhausted. I was barely able to sleep because husband worked a 9-5 job and I took care of our child.
> 
> Until the dr figured out he had an food allergy, he was constantly crying and awake. So I wanted sleep. Husband would paw at me while I was sleeping and try to be intimate at the wrong times. Also he slept like a baby and would heavily snore. He had more energy than me. He even threw himself on me one night in his sleep. That was the last straw. Who wants to be molested in their sleep?
> 
> ...


It sounds like you have simultaneous problems going on, and you are aware of them, but you are making it about the mattress. 

If YOU want to sleep with your husband, you need to do whatever you need in order to be able to. It's that simple. If he isn't on board with your one suggestion (selling the mattress), then pick another solution, because you have several options to make yourself more comfortable.

If you need something more from your husband, you need to CLEARLY make him aware of your expectations and your boundaries, and the consequences for both of you if those are not respected.

I am curious -- if you have some other serious concerns with him, why did you post about the mattress instead of the other ways you feel he is being unloving? I am really asking.


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## Jengirlginny (Oct 18, 2021)

What in my post indicated I’m having serious issues other than the mattress? I was replying to someone’s post regarding my husband got tired of me not sleeping with him so he doesn’t want me anymore. Just letting you know if he is doing this it’s very passive aggressive. He knows the valid reasons I had to sleep alone back then and he was ok with it at the time. 

This situation is different- there are no sick kids, no big snoring issues, etc. I just wanted us to keep sleeping in the same bed. The mattress issue is easily fixed by getting rid of our foam one and get an innerspring. Our foam one will sell on craigslist.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jengirlginny said:


> What in my post indicated I’m having serious issues other than the mattress? I was replying to someone’s post regarding my husband got tired of me not sleeping with him so he doesn’t want me anymore. Just letting you know if he is doing this it’s very passive aggressive. He knows the valid reasons I had to sleep alone back then and he was ok with it at the time.
> 
> This situation is different- there are no sick kids, no big snoring issues, etc. I just wanted us to keep sleeping in the same bed. The mattress issue is easily fixed by getting rid of our foam one and get an innerspring. Our foam one will sell on craigslist.


Just how much do you really expect to get for a used mattress?

I’d never buy someoneelse’s mattress.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Just how much do you really expect to get for a used mattress?
> 
> I’d never buy someoneelse’s mattress.


Yeah same here. I get squeamish if I think too hard about how many people have been on the hotel mattress when traveling. I wouldn't ever shop for a used mattress. 

@Jengirlginny Have you looked at any of the cooling pads out there? I researched these when my wife started having the same heat problems you are experiencing. We were able to take care of it for her with fans and dropping the temp in our bedroom at night, so I never bought one. They are a bit pricy, but I've talked to a couple people that have them and they do work.









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Also, she takes a natural supplement that seems to help. How much, I can't say, but it can't hurt to try.









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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Jengirlginny said:


> What in my post indicated I’m having serious issues other than the mattress? I was replying to someone’s post regarding my husband got tired of me not sleeping with him so he doesn’t want me anymore. Just letting you know if he is doing this it’s very passive aggressive. He knows the valid reasons I had to sleep alone back then and he was ok with it at the time.
> 
> This situation is different- there are no sick kids, no big snoring issues, etc. I just wanted us to keep sleeping in the same bed. The mattress issue is easily fixed by getting rid of our foam one and get an innerspring. Our foam one will sell on craigslist.


You need to entertain the very real situation that you've trained H to not need you to sleep with him.
Now YOU'RE changing, you say at least, you want to sleep with him. To expect an immediate change from him is unrealistic. 

You're the one that needs to keep doing whatever you can to make this work.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You need to entertain the very real situation that you've trained H to not need you to sleep with him.
> Now YOU'RE changing, you say at least, you want to sleep with him. To expect an immediate change from him is unrealistic.
> 
> You're the one that needs to keep doing whatever you can to make this work.


Actually they are married they should both be working on this. She needs to work on they being cool. He needs to work on the snoring. It also sounds like he makes all monetary decisions so she can 'buy' stuff to try to fix the problem.


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## Jengirlginny (Oct 18, 2021)

So here is the latest. Yes my feelings got hurt with this latest banter- but whatever. If he want to be a **** then I can’t help him.

He asked me today if he could go ahead and take the cooling pad off the master bed and get him some new sheets. Since this sounded to me like he’s decided I’m not coming back I’m there to sleep, I asked why he was being like this. He told me he just wants to sleep.

I told him I’ve been out of our bed for a couple weeks and he has still been sleeping awful ano complaining. So it’s not me causing it. He had no response to what I said. I asked him what his ideas for us were (he said he had some ideas the other day of how we could make it work).

Then he said “if you can go to bed at the exact same Time as I do and only read your phone for 15 minutes, I will allow you to come back into the bed.” WTF does this *** think he is? 
My reply was pretty ugly I admit but to summarize- my reply was that I’d be back in there tonight if I wanted to and it’s not HIS bed.
I then proceeded to get in my car and ride around until he went to bed- I had no other words for him.

What kind of husband demands his wife go to bed at the exact same time? I’m a night owl who will probably never go to bed at 9pm and he knows this. My body just isn’t tired that early. Even if I get up early- my body can’t get sleepy until midnight. When I used to sleep with him I would quietly get in bed and read my phone under the covers so light wouldn’t affect him.
He on the other hand wouldn’t show me the same respect- when he’d wake in the middle of the Night, he would turn his phone on bright and not cover it up and it would shine right in my eyes and wake me up. He would also set three alarms which would wake me up at 8 o’clock in the morning. He needed three alarms to wake him up.

Also just a couple weeks ago he got up in the morning while I was sleeping and dropped his phone and scared me half to death.

So he is not innocent as he thinks he is. He has trouble sleeping and he is selfish and rude with his devices. But yet he gets to tell me I have to follow his rules or I can’t sleep in my own bedroom. WtF.

This behavior doesn’t look like a loving spouse who wants me back in their bed.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Jengirlginny said:


> So here is the latest. Yes my feelings got hurt with this latest banter- but whatever. If he want to be a **** then I can’t help him.
> 
> He asked me today if he could go ahead and take the cooling pad off the master bed and get him some new sheets. Since this sounded to me like he’s decided I’m not coming back I’m there to sleep, I asked why he was being like this. He told me he just wants to sleep.
> 
> ...


What he is asking for isn't unreasonable. I too am a night owl. There was a time where I would stay up several hours after my wife went to bed. It would piss her off to no end when I came to bed 3 hours after she did and woke her. She is a light sleeper and has trouble getting back to sleep. I can't say I blame her, that is very frustrating. I resisted her requests to come to bed earlier for quite a while and just tried to be more quiet and move less when I came to bed. It really didn't solve the problem. I decided it was more important for me to go to bed with my wife to keep her happy, which in turn made me happier. I wasn't doing anything that important when I was staying up. Of course if work things happen and I need to stay up to work on a report or something I still do and she doesn't mind that. The few extra hours I was up were not worth the harm it caused to our marriage. I changed for the benefit of the marriage and my wife. It took a little while, but now I am adjusted to the new bed time and I just get up earlier. The result of this was about 4 extra hours per day, between night and mornings, being with my wife. Well worth it in my opinion. My very small sacrifice cost a lot less than the value of getting more hours with my wife and strengthening our relationship.

I also don't think it is unreasonable to say no phones in bed, so him wanting only 15 minutes seems like a good compromise. A lot of people don't even have a TV in the bedroom. For many that room is for sleeping and sex, nothing else.

I think you are a much bigger part of the problem than you are recognizing. You may even be the primary source of the friction in your marriage. Based on your posts I suspect you react to him with anger and derision on a regular basis. You seem hellbent on solving this your way or the highway and I would bet you do this with other issues. You are also bringing up things he did in the past and you hold a lot of resentment. Instead of making these discussions an opportunity to have open communication you just internalize more resentment. You're even calling him selfish and rude because he accidentally dropped his phone in the morning while you slept. What a bastard!  He comes to you with an idea of how to get you back into bed with him and you don't want to hear any of it. Your response? Get totally pissed off and storm out of the house. How does that help?

I will turn around your last sentence to match the tone of this and your other posts. Your behavior doesn't look like a loving spouse that wants to get back in bed with their husband.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

If this was me I'd just get a mistress. Sounds easier and likely a lot more fun.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What he is asking for isn't unreasonable. I too am a night owl. There was a time where I would stay up several hours after my wife went to bed. It would piss her off to no end when I came to bed 3 hours after she did and woke her. She is a light sleeper and has trouble getting back to sleep. I can't say I blame her, that is very frustrating. I resisted her requests to come to bed earlier for quite a while and just tried to be more quiet and move less when I came to bed. It really didn't solve the problem. I decided it was more important for me to go to bed with my wife to keep her happy, which in turn made me happier. I wasn't doing anything that important when I was staying up. Of course if work things happen and I need to stay up to work on a report or something I still do and she doesn't mind that. The few extra hours I was up were not worth the harm it caused to our marriage. I changed for the benefit of the marriage and my wife. It took a little while, but now I am adjusted to the new bed time and I just get up earlier. The result of this was about 4 extra hours per day, between night and mornings, being with my wife. Well worth it in my opinion. My very small sacrifice cost a lot less than the value of getting more hours with my wife and strengthening our relationship.
> 
> I also don't think it is unreasonable to say no phones in bed, so him wanting only 15 minutes seems like a good compromise. A lot of people don't even have a TV in the bedroom. For many that room is for sleeping and sex, nothing else.
> 
> ...


They both need to compromise. The guy goes to bed at 9 pm. That's REALLY early. I'm not a night owl, but that's too early for me, too.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Adding, I just read he gets up at 8 am and needs many alarms to do so. If he's going to bed at 9 and getting up at 8, that's 11 hours in bed _every day_. Sorry but that's not normal or healthy. This guy has some bed/ sleep issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Wow, what man wears boots in bed?



frusdil said:


> How about selling all the mattresses and buying one of those queen beds with two mattresses that are different - then you can both have exactly what works for you.
> 
> I'm in peri-menopause and my husband and I still share a bed. *I'm stripped down with the aircon and a fan on me, and he's under a pile of covers,* pmsl.


This reminded me of something....

I have two grand daughters, one is always hot, even in the winter, the other, always cold.
The little one sleeps in underpants, no cover, the other under a mountain of blankets.

Their old cat sleeps under the covers with the cold blooded one!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Adding, I just read he gets up at 8 am and needs many alarms to do so. If he's going to bed at 9 and getting up at 8, that's 11 hours in bed _every day_. Sorry but that's not normal or healthy. This guy has some bed/ sleep issues.


I think she is combining all the little things that have happened through the years into one big complaint. It isn't clear to me that he regularly goes to bed at 9pm and gets up at 8am, but I could be wrong. I can't help but feel like she prefers complaining about problems rather than solving problems.

I agree that they both need to compromise, but her response to his suggestion was to storm out and drive around for a few hours till he went to bed. That kind of reaction isn't going to lead to compromise. Again, I don't think she wants to solve the problem, unless he just does exactly what she wants. I don't even get a sense that she loves her husband, quite the opposite. It appears she hates him. That is the impression I got from her last post. 

@Jengirlginny Do you love your husband? Do you want to stay married to him? I ask because you called him rude, selfish and a ****. I'm not feeling the love there and if true, why are you with him? You stormed out without any discussion because you didn't like what he suggested. Why not talk about it and maybe try to find a compromise? You want to come back to bed completely on your terms and he offered up his terms. Are you not able to move off of your stance at all in an attempt to compromise?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jengirlginny said:


> I am currently taking HRT in the form of vaginal cream only. I have not yet decided IF I want to do systemic HRT due to possible cancer risk (it runs in my family). I am 2 years post menopause, and the night sweats are not quite as bad as they were originally. So I was trying to wait it out to see if they would go away. The vaginal cream has helped locally and also has helped with the night sweats/flashes about 30%. So- I have to make the decision do I want to sleep with my husband and risk getting cancer or sleep alone and wait this out. (By the way- my dear hubs would never consider a vasectomy for birth control due to his risk of getting prostate cancer from it....so we had to adapt our birth control around this. I couldn't have tubal ligation due to risk with blood clot disorder).
> 
> I had a gentle conversation with the hubs today regarding not wanting this to be a permanent solution, and my hopes were to get back into bed together. He wanted to know why I was so worried about it. I told him that I was worried because when we slept separate before is when he started going into work 1-2 hours earlier and also coming home and going to bed at 9pm (but not to sleep until about 11) - which I thought was odd and excessive given he has never been on this rigid schedule before (this was the same time he was growing close to one of his coworkers). Also- he travels occasionally for work and back then when he would be on a work trip, he magically was able to stay out dining with his coworkers until 11pm (when at home he was a stickler about going to bed at 9). His behavior just didn't add up and this sleeping apart is sort of a trigger for me because it reminds me of that time. It seemed convenient for him that when I wasn't in our bed he could leave early without me noticing and spending hours in the bedroom alone before he actually went to sleep.
> 
> ...


When he goes to bed at 9 PM, does he have any communication devices with him, a cellphone or laptop?

He goes to bed at 9 PM, falls asleep at 11 PM?

What is he doing for those two hours?
Tossing and turning?

Maybe, messaging someone, or glassing over something and tugging?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He may not want to admit it, but he got used to sleeping by himself as many people do. Are you having any suspicions that he might have someone else to have sex with or do you think with age he is just losing some of his drive. Either is quite possible.
> 
> I have a close friend who wants stayed with me when we were a lot younger and even then she snored to the point where I couldn't get any sleep so I only let that go on for a month. Now ever since she's been married, she's been upset because her husband doesn't want to sleep in the same room with her or anywhere close either. She just doesn't understand that most people can't sleep through that.


I wear earplugs!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> I wear earplugs!


I would certainly try that but it's not like they keep everything out. I got some good ones for a trip overseas one time and took a Benadryl but I could still hear the guy sitting next to me trying to have a conversation with me even though I told him I was trying to sleep. Some people are really loud snorers. Others are softer.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Earplugs are not a healthy long term solution. If you wear them all night, every night, long term, you are setting yourself up for ear infections and impacted wax issues. The ear is not meant to be plugged for 8 hours every day.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I wear earplugs!


You should look into other solutions to your wife's snoring. Long term earplug use can damage your ear.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Earplugs are not a healthy long term solution. If you wear them all night, every night, long term, you are setting yourself up for ear infections and impacted wax issues. The ear is not meant to be plugged for 8 hours every day.


True!

Ah, yes, have suffered with both of these ear issues.

I worked many years in loud factories, and this had me wearing them all day.
Often, due to those union-shop derived mandates!

At home, in bed.....
Then, trying to avoid that loud snoring from a spouse, an old dog and a cat (in and out of the same room) had me wearing them all night.

I knew dogs snore, but older cats?
More like a squeaky wheeeze.
Oh yeah, and loud purring next to your ear!

Yes, I snore too, especially if I went for a long run that day.🤣


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> True!
> 
> Ah, yes, have suffered with both of these ear issues.
> 
> ...


My most revered old dog had hot spots and would snork trying to get at them. Drove me nuts, but I eventually got her healed. I don't mind some soft dog snoring (mine now doesn't but talks in her sleep) but what I do mind is when Chickapea is scared of rain, she gets right up to my head and breathes heavily on me.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jengirlginny said:


> My feelings are kinda hurt but maybe I’m being selfish. Me and the hubs, Dave, have been married 23 years. We had kids right away, and one baby was a difficult sleeper. So to get our sleep, I had to sleep in the guest room temporarily for a couple years. Dave & I would stay up late watching tv and we would have intimate time in the master bed and then I would have to go sleep with my kid who would wake up if I wasn’t in bed with him. Dave missed me and would ask me to try to get back into our bed. Believe me I wanted to but it was hard on both of us to be woken up all night by an insomniac kid.
> 
> Finally I was able to start sleeping in our master bed with Dave. I had a back injury, and I began having trouble with our mattress which was old and lumpy. We got a new one. We had the new one for a month or so and I felt it was too firm. Dave thought it was fine for him and I would end up liking it. Rather than swap it out, Dave wanted to keep it. I had to move into the guest room once again on a queen mattress for myself just to get sleep.
> 
> ...


If you are attempting to get closer to your husband, he should be more patient with your attempts. It can a while for it to become routine again. 

Get the mattress and pretend you're newlyweds. That's how I would handle it, if situations did not allow intimacy for a while. Sleep in the same bed and get comfortable with each otherall over again.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jengirlginny said:


> My feelings are kinda hurt but maybe I’m being selfish. Me and the hubs, Dave, have been married 23 years. We had kids right away, and one baby was a difficult sleeper. So to get our sleep, I had to sleep in the guest room temporarily for a couple years. Dave & I would stay up late watching tv and we would have intimate time in the master bed and then I would have to go sleep with my kid who would wake up if I wasn’t in bed with him. Dave missed me and would ask me to try to get back into our bed. Believe me I wanted to but it was hard on both of us to be woken up all night by an insomniac kid.
> 
> Finally I was able to start sleeping in our master bed with Dave. I had a back injury, and I began having trouble with our mattress which was old and lumpy. We got a new one. We had the new one for a month or so and I felt it was too firm. Dave thought it was fine for him and I would end up liking it. Rather than swap it out, Dave wanted to keep it. I had to move into the guest room once again on a queen mattress for myself just to get sleep.
> 
> ...


no sex for HOW many years. then you finally wake up and notice "hey, our sex life is dead!

that horse has left the barn!

so your question is more "how do i jump start a dead sex life?"

How about doing some research on porn hub or fet life, and find some kinky new types of sex to try. get whatever sex toys or costumes you need to fulfill your kinky wish. then sit down dave, show him what you bought, and ask him to do it to you that way. the shock of doing some new kinky sex act might do the trick!

this time, do it with passion!

BTW, what mattress you use is irrelevant. you could use the kitchen table! get a sex wedge pillow if your back hurts you still.


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