# Need help



## Alexm6613 (Feb 3, 2020)

Hey everyone , me and my wife have been married for 6 years . My family and her have never really like each other . We do all get together and we all get along . But recently my sister has been hanging out with my ex. She was just a girlfriend . But now my wife is super unhappy about it. I honestly don’t know what to do . My sister was friends with her before me and my wife met . I can’t tell her to not hang out with her . But at the same time I feel that my wife shouldn’t be bother by it . She is an Ex girlfriend for a reason . But it’s causing a strain in our marriage . Please any advice is much appreciated


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If your sister is capable of not inviting your ex over when you and your wife are there, I could see it working. Hopefully, the ex isn't what I have experienced. My brother's ex used to chase him. Go out with my sister and mother. Do your parents feel particularly close to your ex? Do they engage in one upmanship? For example, showing gifts --at times more lavish than the one they get for your wife -- that they bought for the ex? Or doing favors that are just a little too generous for non family member and more generous than what they do for your wife?


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## Alexm6613 (Feb 3, 2020)

NextTimeAround said:


> If your sister is capable of not inviting your ex over when you and your wife are there, I could see it working. Hopefully, the ex isn't what I have experienced. My brother's ex used to chase him. Go out with my sister and mother. Do your parents feel particularly close to your ex? Do they engage in one upmanship? For example, showing gifts --at times more lavish than the one they get for your wife -- that they bought for the ex? Or doing favors that are just a little too generous for non family member and more generous than what they do for your wife?


Yes they don’t ever cross paths . I think my wife is just feeling disrespected about this . She feels my family has never respected her and they never had a close relationship . My family does not feel that way. It’s more of my sisters and my brothers wife hanging out with my ex. The Ex has her new boyfriend and me and her don’t even have any type of communication .


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Alexm6613 said:


> Yes they don’t ever cross paths . I think my wife is just feeling disrespected about this . She feels my family has never respected her and they never had a close relationship . My family does not feel that way. It’s more of my sisters and my brothers wife hanging out with my ex. The Ex has her new boyfriend and me and her don’t even have any type of communication .


Your wife is in the wrong here, but that isn't going to help you.

Her hackles are raised because your family doesn't really get along with her. What is the driving reason behind this? Are your family members disrespectful to your wife, or is your wife demanding and controlling as evidenced by her behavior here? Or somewhere in between?

But to specifically give you advice here, what I would do is something like the following:

"Wife, I know the relationship with my family hasn't always been easy for you, and I understand how hard that must be for you. I support you however you can, but I simply cannot ask my sisters not to be friends with my ex girlfriend, especially when they were friends with her before I even met you. Their relationship has nothing to do with you or I, and even if it did, I cannot control them. Instead, I can ask them not to bring my ex around to family events if that would make you more comfortable."

It is totally unreasonable for your wife to expect to make decisions on all the relationships your family members have. Which means that either this is evidence of your wife being controlling in general, or your wife being reasonably upset at other things your family has done and is overreacting here, because she doesn't feel heard about that.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Alexm6613 said:


> Hey everyone , me and my wife have been married for 6 years . My family and her have never really like each other . We do all get together and we all get along . But recently my sister has been hanging out with my ex. She was just a girlfriend . But now my wife is super unhappy about it. I honestly don’t know what to do . My sister was friends with her before me and my wife met . I can’t tell her to not hang out with her . But at the same time I feel that my wife shouldn’t be bother by it . She is an Ex girlfriend for a reason . But it’s causing a strain in our marriage . Please any advice is much appreciated


Sir, state your case to your sister and other family members concerning your X. Your W comes first. I agree, you family does not care about your W feelings. 

If your W is bothered by it....SO SHOULD YOU because you only diminish your W feelings on the matter...it makes you appear you don't care either. 

I have been in a similar situation. I laid it out there and the response from family was fine. Problem solved. 

Wife first man...always.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marduk said:


> Your wife is in the wrong here, but that isn't going to help you.
> 
> Her hackles are raised because your family doesn't really get along with her. What is the driving reason behind this? Are your family members disrespectful to your wife, or is your wife demanding and controlling as evidenced by her behavior here? Or somewhere in between?
> 
> ...


I believe it to be supporting his W in this matter. Not making the decision on this particular relationship. However, in some situations it is necessary for the spouse to step in for their significant other in hopes to correct the problem.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yeswecan said:


> I believe it to be supporting his W in this matter. Not making the decision on this particular relationship. However, in some situations it is necessary for the spouse to step in for their significant other in hopes to correct the problem.


My wife supports me in all things.

However I would never ask her to call up her siblings and tell them who they are allowed to be friends with. I would instead ask to be given a heads up if I'm about to walk into a family event where my wife's ex might be present, so I can prepare myself or choose to not attend.

One is attempting to control someone else as a means to have them control your anxieties for you. The other is asking for support in you controlling your own anxieties.

That's my take.


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