# Stopping Emotional Affair



## Pandemonium (May 27, 2013)

Hi,

I know I am in the wrong and I know the amount of support I will get will be minimal, but I am hoping someone may be able to help me with moving on and reconciling with my husband. 

I have been having an emotional affair with another man for the last few months. It has been texting and occasional phone calls and it has not gone any further than this. Last week I ended it and yesterday I slowly felt like I could function again. 

I have told my husband of my attraction to another man and was honest with him that nothing had happened. Thankfully my head took over control of my body because part of me did want it to go to go further. We have identified issues in our marriage and we are working on these together.

Then out of the blue yesterday the other man accidentally phones me leaving a message (his phone had called me and it was all background noise - so I know it was an accident). I couldn't check my voice messages, so stupidly texted him (I honestly thought something was wrong, but also I was so excited he contacted me - :slap. So now I am back to square one. 

I know the right thing to do, and I am doing it. I am committed to my marriage and family. I have initiated no contact again and he has agreed. 

But now how do I move on from him and how do I re-ignite the feelings he brought out in me with my husband? Whenever I feel the urge to call or text him, I call my husband instead. I know I won't get any sympathy, but I am trying to fix this, so if there is any constructive advice from others with what helped them with reconciling and moving forward it would be appreciated.


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## greeneyedlily (Nov 10, 2012)

I have to say NC should happen for sure especially if you are working.on this with your husband, and if you stumble you have to be quick to confess here. I give you alot of credit for your honesty here with your spouse this does go a long way even though he is hurting now you are being respectful and truthful about how you feel. IC and maybe MC would be good to see what is the root of this weak spot in your marriage. Hang in there it will get easier! _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You have the hots for a man not your husband. You have told your husband and he wants you to stay. But you still want another and want to know how to reconnect with your husband.

That's something for you and your husband to talk about. He cannot make you love him. You have to want to and want to honestly. 

Otherwise the marriage is a sham.

Perhaps some good counseling for yourself and also maybe for the both of you.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Imagine yourself divorced and being a single mom with children. Think how your life will change. If this does not bring you out of the fog I don't know what will.

By the way how would you feel if the roles were reversed and you were constantly being disrespected by your husband?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

For starters, formally cut contact either through a letter or phone call with your husband listening in and thenchange your number. Is the OM close to where you live?


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Withdrawal from an affair is a normal thing to feel for a WS. There is a member here, Entropy3000, that has a story that would be valuable to you. You may be able to jiggle his cage for a response to your situation.

Also, both of you should start with Not Just Friends. It also discusses how WS's feel when ending their affairs.

Good Luck. You are doing the right thing.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Pandemonium said:


> I couldn't check my voice messages, so stupidly texted him (I honestly thought something was wrong, but also I was so excited he contacted me). So now I am back to square one.


Obviously you shouldn't have text him, it was like you were on a diet and took a bite of pizza... as if that one bite would be enough... no, it just made the craving worse.

You won't get past this with anything less than absolute isolation from this man. Tell your husband about the text, have your husband tell the other man to remove you from his phone.

Rekindling your desire for your husband *will return slowly, over time*, in much the same way the desire for the other man will fade over time, *the two feelings can't exist simultaneously with equal intensity*, one will displace the other, you just have to choose which feeling you want to survive and which fades.

T


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

Tony55 said:


> Obviously you shouldn't have text him, it was like you were on a diet and took a bite of pizza... as if that one bite would be enough... no, it just made the craving worse.
> 
> You won't get past this with anything less than absolute isolation from this man. Tell your husband about the text, have your husband tell the other man to remove you from his phone.
> 
> ...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

what you should do is change your number or put a block on your phone so he is blocked from you... This is a precation to avoid accidents like wearing your seatbelt.

You may want to consider being truthful to your husband. Emotional affars and attraction are two very different things.

You may want to tell his wife, this is for two reasons. 1. She has a right to know who her husband is and 2. He'll probably be a lot less intersted in you while he is working on his marriage.

THe last thing is spend time with your husband doing fun things, alone, talking, communcating... That's how you fall in love with someone. Like 10-15 hours a week together, alone, without kids and TV etc.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I am a formerly betrayed husband. My wife had a similar 1+ year EA a number of years ago. The steps you have taken here are positive as well as the advice you are receiving about cutting all contract and conduits to this man. Once you have done that things will be slow and painful for a while. You may even find you have an odd resentment towards your husband. Keep in mind that much of what is interfering with your re-connection to your husband is that you are obviously still attached to OM. That will wane with time and make it easier to rekindle with your spouse. It will take time to do this and use this period to spend time together as a couple and family. Do not underestimate how much a healthy sex life can help you along in this for you both. My marriage is 6-years post discovery of her affair and we are in a wonderful place now. Good luck, in my mind you are making excellent headway here. Good luck.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

For sure block the OM's number, or even get a new number so that these kind of mistakes never happen.

Think of this as a learning experience. Now you know and have experienced that ANY contact with this man puts you right back at square one. You have to make 100% sure it doesn't happen again.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

Start reading some books. The 5 Love Languages, I Love you but Im not in Love with you, His needs Her needs. These helped me so much after I ended my EA. I found a way to re-connect with my H. We went and are still going to MC 8 months later. If he is your FB friend, remove and block him. Get rid of all his contact info from your phone, call the phone co. and block his number from being able to call you so no further accidents happen. 

How is your sex life with your H? Ramp that up so you can re-connect emotionally with him. If you are really up to a challenge something I did was the 30 day challenge. It is a real challenge where you have sex with your H every day for 30 days. I did it. Our emotional bond and connection is stronger for it. 

I have been where you are and it sounds like you are still in the fog. You need to snap out of it. There is a lot at stake, you just dont realize it yet. You are welcome to PM me if you want to talk. I have walked in your shoes. I was lucky enough to have a H who truly loved me enough to work through it and other issues in the marriage that needed fixing. You have to be in this 100% or you are wasting his and your time.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you are like most who had emotional affairs, you spent a great deal of time on the affair. Possibly you were texting consistently all day long, with hardly an hour passing that you did not text each other. In between texts, you savored what both you and he had said in your texts, thought about him.

Now, you have somewhat of a void to fill.

Now, you are sitting there wondering - "I wonder what he is doing right now?" I wonder if he is THINKING ABOUT ME and MISSES ME?" That is the biggie. So when he calls, and you think you missed it, of course you can't control your impulse to respond immediately. If you missed your husband's call WHILE you were in the emotional affair, you would NOT have felt such URGENCY to contact your husband immediately. This is where you are at right now. This is normal - par for the course. IT GETS BETTER THE LONGER YOU GO WITHOUT CONTACTING OTHER MAN OR HE YOU.

Like an addiction or a diet, it helps if you remove temptation.

1. Change your phone number and email.

2. Block other man on Facebook or delete your account altogether. You can re-establish it later when you are further along.

3. Put other man out of your mind, keep busy, resist the temptation to check his Facebook or other social media.

4. When someone has been through this and come out the other side, you would be a fool not to at least consider their advice. Re-read Amplexor's post.


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## Pandemonium (May 27, 2013)

Thank-you all for your advice. I have initiated no contact with OM yet again.

I would agree I am still in the fog, how quickly it envelops us again. But it is starting to lift and I am going to make it disappear permanently this time. There will be no turning back. I can not change my phone number as it is a business phone, but I will block his number and have asked him to delete me as a contact.

The OM is single.

I want the feelings with my husband to survive. I love him so very much, which is why this is so very confusing. Why would I fall for another man when I was happy? I know it is the things he said to me which made me feel divine, and I have told my husband this is something I need - more verbal affirmation of our love. Believe it or not our sex life is extremely active, better than ever.

The Other man is hurt and angry. Why do I feel guilty for this? Is this normal? I need to get over the guilt of hurting him so I can get out of the fog. Don't get me wrong, I feel immense guilt and remorse for what I have done and the disrespect I have shown my family, and that is why I came here to ask for help.

I am so angry at myself. I am intelligent woman, how could I be so stupid to do this. 

LoriC, thanks for the offer to PM - will do so when back on computer rather than mobile. I have no one else to talk to and you get what I am feeling.

Thank you to all who have been on both sides. Feel free to kick me up the backside and get me out of this fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Have you blocked his number?


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## Pandemonium (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Have you blocked his number?


Yes I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The OM is 'hurt and angry'?

Well, who really gives a d**n about that? (And neither should you)

He's messing with another man's wife and a family's (yours) life.

If anyone else came up and threw your family's existence into chaos would you give a rat's behind about their feelings?

So get rid of your guilty feelings about his hurt. 

Start defending your family instead of damaging it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

Delete his contact info AND get a new phone number and forward the old one to your husband.


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