# Being receptive to sex is dependent on self-care



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

This article: 

http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Maintaining+desire+long+term+relationships/10050049/story.htmll

articulates something I've been thinking for a while: a woman's desire for sex and her receptiveness to her partner's desire is turned off when she doesn't take care of her other needs. The article quotes Esther Perel, a couple's therapist who wrote the book "Mating in Captivity." She says:

• Claim 100-per-cent responsibility for nurturing your erotic life. “A question I like to work with is this: I turn myself off when?” says Perel. “I turn myself off when" is not the same as "you turn me off when", and "what turns me off is". I turn myself off if I don’t exercise, if I don’t meet my friends, if we don’t talk enough, if I feel burdened with work, if I’m anxious about my children, if I don’t feel good about my body. Very little of it is to do with sex. It has to do with self-care, the ability to feel alive. If I feel shut down or dead you can come with the nicest toys, the sharpest clothes, I cannot receive you.”


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

We tried reconciliation and it didn't work so that's a done deal. In my most current ended marriage, my husband was the LD one. I wanted sex more often than he did. In my first marriage I had no sense of my own sexual desire really. In the end, I REFUSED to have sex with him because I really didn't like him or the way he treated me. I didn't cheat in either of my marriages. 

I really found my sexual desire between marriages and allowed myself to enjoy it, which was a big deal for a girl who'd grown up Mormon. But I identified with all the things this article says - when I feel bad about my body, I feel less sexual desire. When I feel stressed, I don't think about sex. 

And as I get older I think it is up to ME to deal with those things, not my partner. Not his job to make sure I take care of myself or sleep or deal with stress.

The thing is, for whatever reason, women in our culture seem to think being a good wife and mother means completely giving up her self and her pleasure. I think that's at the heart of it. But when a woman allows herself to feel like she DESERVES to be happy; to pursue pleasure and things that make her happy, her life is transformed, including her innate sexual desire.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Don't forget to share your inner happiness as a confident smile with the men around you. I'd like to promise you a Christmas miracle, but you know with me being a dude and all that I'll just let you down, but something tells me you'll still be happy anyway!


You may not have read my other bazillion posts but I'm doing just fine post divorce in this arena.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

You know...I honestly think this principle applies to men as well. There's another thread going where the guy is lamenting that his girl was having what sounded like an EA with another guy and he admitted that he had stopped doing all the things that had attracted his girl in the first place. A lot of men on TAM sacrifice themselves and then are shocked to learn that their wives no longer desire them. So I think it's safe to say that deferring to your partner's pleasure, whether you're a man or woman, makes you less desirable to them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks for the link


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