# what i've done



## tequilalime (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi All and thanks ahead of time for your advice.
My husband and I were married 9 years ago. We have had some problems--mainly with communication. I would ask him for help for example and he would say "what else is wrong?" in a mean tone or "what other complaints do you have". Sometimes he would call me a lunatic or a psycho during an argument. Then I would feel hurt and clam up. Then my silence would anger him more, and so on. Then 3 years ago we had a major fight and he was demanding that I talk to him , even blocking me from leaving a room until I talked to him. I told him he was wrong to do that. It was frightening to me. He grabbed my arm at one point and bruised it (I didn't see the bruise till the next day). After about 15 min he let me out of the room. Then the police were involved because I called them out of desperation, he was following me around the house and wouldn't leave me alone. They arrested him but then let him go. I didn't know they were going to arrest him, I had no idea this would happen. I just wanted them to get him to leave me alone, it was 2 am. His take on this was that I was abusing HIM. We saw a marriage counsellor who said that since we couldn't resolve the issue to just put it behind us. But every time we had a fight after that, even a mild one, he would say "are you going to call the police on me?". 
Then our younger son started to have behavioral issues, and my husband said that our son was ruining our family life, and that he wanted nothing to do with him. He told him he acted like a baby (he is 7 now) and a brat. Then my son told someone at school that his dad kicked him. He didn't kick him, but my son has quite the imagination. So then we had to deal with CPS. That made my husband even more angry with my son. In the meantime, when my husband got mad at me, he betrayed a secret of mine to my older son "to get revenge on me". 
So we've been in family counselling for awhile. But the problems are these 1) I already told him I wanted a divorce, after thinking about it a long time, and I have already, in a sense, detached from him, for lack of a better word. I've given up I guess, I can't see that he will change. He just seems to have no idea how hurtful he can be, and it make take years for him to change if he does change. 
2) he has figured out that he might be doing something wrong as we are doing the counselling (initally he said "I'm not going to change SHE has to change"). The other day he gave me a rose. Unfortunately I wasn't thrilled to get it. I just said, "that's nice, thanks" but I didn't even smile. He goes around the house looking ill and I know it's because of me. 

How do I know if I can forgive him for the hurts to me and my kids? How do I know if he will change? And what if I can't change my reactions to him?


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## TRGarner (Sep 5, 2012)

I only have one comment, he grabbed you, it bruised. It doesn't matter, it is going to escalate.

My wife and I have our problems, but I can tell you, I have never, ever laid a finger on her. Sure, I caused all kinds of hate and discontent but never laid a hand on her.

You need to make a decision, right now, will it escalate, can it escalate and when are you going to draw the line.

Already the cops have been called, the situation in my mind, is escalating, draw a line, write it out, try to talk to him without distractions of any kind and work on small steps, giant leaps for men sometimes doesn't work. Try but you need to draw a line and if that line is crossed, bail, get out and run, never look back, take your son and go.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Tequila, welcome to the TAM forum. I am troubled by your description of your H's outrageous behaviors starting at 6 years into a 9 year marriage. Typically, men having such strong anger issues -- and expressing such disdain for a young boy -- have strong aspects of a personality disorder that originated in their childhood. 

Yet, if that were the case, your H would have started exhibiting the anger issues much earlier (starting right after the marriage, if not earlier). Are you sure you did not see red flags occurring all through your marriage? If not, it is possible that such outbursts could be attributable to a hormone change or head injury (as in a car accident) -- but such changes and injuries are far less common than a PD. I therefore ask whether there were red flags occurring all through your marriage? Was your H abused or abandoned in early childhood?


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## tequilalime (Sep 4, 2012)

Hi,
yes there were other anger issues before the 6 year point, many times when he called me names , slammed doors, etc.
When we were dating I told him I wasn't sure I was for the war in Iraq, and he said "if you went there right now they would chop your head off". At the time we decided it was due to stress. about 4 years ago we got a bad deal from a furniture store and he went over there and told off the saleswoman at the desk. Later I found out she was so upset and shakey and frightened after that she had to go home. 
I think he did have a bad childhood but he does not want to talk about it nor does he want "to waste 5000 dollars with a therapist going over it".
Thanks.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Tequila, in that case, you are describing behaviors that are consistent with those of someone exhibiting strong aspects of a PD. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Because he will remain an important part of your two boys' lives even after you leave him, it is important you know more about his issues.

I also suggest that, while you are waiting for an appointment, you read my description of the symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW has. My post is in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description of BPD traits rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss them with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, Tequila.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Tequilalime, your story is eerily similar to mine.

Your husband has a very angry and immature attitude; I'm not sure it matters WHY or WHAT IT'S CALLED or even HOW LONG he's had it.

Bottom line: He has put his hands on you in anger. He has prevented you from leaving a room because HE wanted to talk. His actions frightened you. It is NOT going to get better. (My STBXH did the same 2 things when I was packing to leave him; I filed a complaint with the sheriff's office.)


> every time we had a fight after that, even a mild one, he would say "are you going to call the police on me?".


 Years later, he is STILL using this incident to beat you over the head with -- VERY immature behavior.

Bottom line: He has accused (even if just to YOU and NOT to your son) your younger son of RUINING the family life at your home. Wow, THAT is really pathetic. Considering your son is ONLY NOW 7yo, OF COURSE he acts immaturely, he IS immature! And your husband said he wants nothing to do with him! If your H has NOT apologized for saying this, that is unforgivable in my opinion. (Mine called our daughter "stupid" and "a b*tch" to her face when she was 14yo, also told her if she didn't start doing things HIS way, she was going to be a "loser" and he would not have much to do with her then. He NEVER apologized to her or to me, but turned around a couple of days later and said he felt that I didn't 'support' him in his parenting...damn straight I didn't support him!)

Bottom line: When he is angry, he lashes out PHYSICALLY, VERBALLY, and EMOTIONALLY (telling your older son a highly personal secret of yours to make him hate you/lose respect for you just because your H was angry with you.) Whatever the personal info was that your H told, it was YOUR STORY to tell or NOT TELL as you saw fit! It was not your H's place to tell ANYBODY your secrets. (My STBXH told our daughter a personal secret of mine as well as a bunch of lies in an effort to get her to hate me because he was angry I was leaving him.)



> How do I know if I can forgive him for the hurts to me and my kids? How do I know if he will change? And what if I can't change my reactions to him?


 Only YOU can know if you truly forgive him or not. NOBODY knows if he will change, or if any change he makes will be permanent or just an attempt to appease you so he can get what he wants. If you CAN'T change your reactions to him, then you KNOW you can't continue in a marriage where you don't love AND respect him. BOTH ARE IMPORTANT!


Nobody can make the decision but you. Don't forget, maybe YOU'RE willing to put up with his cr*p to make the marriage work, but that is because YOU have a choice. YOU can walk away ANYTIME you feel like it. Your children do NOT have that choice. They may have to take his cr*p because they have nowhere else to live. They may have to take his cr*p because they CANNOT walk away until they're 18yo. YOU NEED TO REMEMBER that YOU are making a decision that needs to be best for you AND your children.

Sit down this weekend and do some soul-searching. Decide what is in the best interest of your children. Then decide what is in the best interest of YOU. Do not worry about what is best for your H. He is a grown-azz man who bullies and intimidates people (like the woman at the furniture store) when he doesn't get his way. Let HIM deal with the consequences of his immature and volatile behavior. He is OLD ENOUGH to know that his behavior is wrong. He is OLD ENOUGH to change his behavior...and could have done it YEARS AGO if he decided it was not the correct way to behave. If you leave, will he throw it in your face that he TRIED to change and you didn't care? Probably, but SO WHAT! Making an effort to change NOW only BECAUSE you told him you want a divorce is meaningless in my opinion. His change would be temporary and as minimal as possible just to get what he wants (you to stay so he can have his home life undisturbed...meals cooked, sex, clean clothes, house cared for, etc.)
REAL CHANGE, LASTING CHANGE would have come YEARS AGO because he knew it was the right thing to do, NOT at the last minute as a grudging compromise to get what he wants accomplished.

You already know you need to leave. You made that decision before you came to TAM. Just concentrate on giving your sons a healthy, loving, respectful environment in which to grow, learn, make mistakes, mature, etc. They are NOT going to get THAT with your H as an example of how to act. Model the behavior for your sons that you want THEM to show to others (friends, relatives, future spouses, etc.) That includes showing RESPECT for others (especially our loved ones) and demanding to be treated with respect as well.

Good luck to you! I left my STBXH about 4 months ago, and I could NOT be happier. The stress level of my life has dropped SIGNIFICANTLY! I am no longer walking on eggshells, waiting for the next ANGER BOMB to go off; protecting my child from his unreasonable temper, or giving in to his endless selfish demands that EVERYTHING be HIS WAY. It is so wonderful! I feel like I am LIVING again instead of merely EXISTING. I wish the same for you!

Hugs & tranquility to you and your children. Let us know how it's going (either way); we'll be here for you...and YOU can be here for others, too (even if it's just to wish someone well!)


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Your husband has a very angry and immature attitude; I'm not sure it matters WHY or WHAT IT'S CALLED or even HOW LONG he's had it.


Slowly, one reason it matters is that Tequila and her H have two young boys and the H likely will get shared custody after the D. PDs like BPD can be passed on to the children not only genetically but also through abusive treatment. IMO, then, she cannot afford NOT to understand what she is dealing with.

Another reason it matters is that, because she's been living with an angry, abusive H for 9 years, she almost certainly is an excessive caregiver (like me) who is willing to ignore her own needs. If so, she is at great risk of running away from this H into the arms of another man just like him. Caregivers have such low personal boundaries that it is difficult for them to distinguish between their own issues and those of the abusive spouse. But, by first understanding their spouses' problem, it is far easier for them to see -- by subtraction -- what their own issue is.


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## tequilalime (Sep 4, 2012)

thanks for all the comments, gives me a lot to think about.


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