# 5 Months after DDay



## anzo007 (Oct 16, 2013)

New poster here.

My wife and I have been together since 2004, and married for the past 4 years. We had our first child in 2005.

5 months ago - I come home and my wife tells me that her ex-boyfriend messaged her again. (This has been going on very randomly since the beginning of our relationship) she said the conversations were 'friendly', but once in awhile they BOTH would talk about the "good old times" when they used to have sex, and ultimately he would "jokingly" ask if she wanted to do it again... My wife has come to me a few times telling me these types of stories. I was never jealous, and never thought that she would cheat on me so I was NEVER worried. This time was a little bit different, the ex-boyfriend was engaged. I told my wife that this needed to stop, and to tell him that it was not appropriate.

The next day we go for a car ride while our 4 kids are being watched by her parents.

She tells me all proud that she told him to stop, cool!.. I jokingly asked if she ever cheated on me with him while we were together. Yes, was the answer.... At first I had no emotional response, just wanted to know more.

She tells me it happened 4 months into the relationship, and she is now a completely different person. She told me it happened in his car in a parking lot. She told me that I upset her so much because I would watch porn and hide it from her after her expressing to me how it feels like cheating to her. I continued to watch porn, so she did what she did. I made it very clear these two things cannot be compared. Emotionally I hurt her, and emotionally she hurt me, but the difference was she was physical, and I was not.

Of course I replayed this in my head a ton of times, and a month ago I came to her and mentioned that I didn't think she found out about me watching porn at least a year into our relationship. She didn't reply at all.... I get sick to my stomach and immediately realize the timing was off.

She admits, it was 4 months AFTER having our first child. I was crushed... I got in the car and stayed at a friend's house for the night.

I come home the next day, and we try to work through things for the next week.

I talk to her some more, because I felt she was still keeping something from me. Out of the blue one night on the couch, she says she needs to tell me something, and cries through it.

It didn't happen in a car in the parking lot. It happened in our apartment on the livingroom floor.

She says there was no intimacy, no kissing, and after it happened she immediately regret it and nothing sexual ever happened since. 

I've called my wife's EX and asked him how many times it has happened, and if it was over. He sounded pretty open to giving answers. He said it happened once, and she's just a friend.

I asked my wife about the friend part, and why she allowed communication to continue between them. She said that she didn't see it as cheating, and it was a separate affair all together, but, she now does realize the attention she was getting from him via facebook was indeed cheating on me since I had no idea she cheated on me with him.


What am I left with? My wife shows remorse, and she loves me very much. She will do anything for me. She has removed her ex as a friend on facebook, and since has also deleted her account completely.

Interestingly...

About 2 or 3 years ago my wife RANDOMLY asked me if I wanted an open marriage. I thought it was a trick question, but went along with it. Sure... I could be okay with that. The more we talked about it the more excited I got... I even told my wife that she should message her EX and finally agree to having sex with him! The first 2 or 3 times I mentioned it to her she told me that she wasn't interested in him at all... I think the 3rd or 4th time I mentioned it, she agreed - we both had a green light to have sex with other people as long as each of us know when it happens... I vaguely remember her telling me she mentioned something to him about our open marriage, but today - my wife says he never replied with a "ok then, let's have sex" type of reply... She also mentioned that even if he did, she wouldn't have done it, and only wanted attention from him.

A week after his conversation I had to go out of town for 2 days... While out of town my wife got nervous and told me she didn't want to do it..

At this point i'm thinking she had sex with him again, and regret it again - and changed her mind about me doing it... She swears up and down nothing like that ever happened. She doesn't get upset, but you can tell she's a bit hurt from me thinking that as her eyes get a little bit moist (almost ready to cry)

I want to believe her... Most days I do... But after YEARS of trusting her without a doubt... It's hard to trust ANYTHING she says regarding her sex life.

It's been 5 months after the initial DDay (and about 1 month after the second one) yet I still come home some days and ask her the same questions over and over. Digging for more information.. Oh - did I mention that my wife's EX is a family friend? AND my wife's brother's BEST friend... At this point her entire family knows, and her brother hasn't spoken to my wife since he found out. I'm not sure what the brother's relationship with the EX is at this point, but i'm fairly sure they still talk.

A part of me wants to find something out, but I fear I have the whole truth and i'm only beating myself up... EVERYTHING is a trigger

Pictures of our kids, any picture... I think to myself, how old were you then, how long before this picture was taken did this happen? Looking at my wife's body is a trigger... I can only visualize him and her having sex. It's awful and it happens while we have sex - which certainly isn't helping with our sex life.

I'm not necessarily looking for advice, suggestions, opinions. I'm really only posting here because I need to vent, and let it out.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I'm guessing there is a lot more to this than you know - but I am guessing you suspect that.

Sorry you are here; your feelings with triggers are normal - for what that's worth.

They will fade, but sex with your wife may never feel "pure" again.

Good luck. You are going to need it.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I also feel for you considering the twisted intertwined relationship of your WW with her ex and her family. I hope her brother eventually gets it that his buddy (the ex) is a POS.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You mentioned 4 kids ? One is yours you say. Is the ex the father of the other 3 ?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

anzo007 said:


> Interestingly...
> 
> About 2 or 3 years ago my wife RANDOMLY asked me if I wanted an open marriage. I thought it was a trick question, but went along with it. Sure... I could be okay with that. The more we talked about it the more excited I got... I even told my wife that she should message her EX and finally agree to having sex with him! The first 2 or 3 times I mentioned it to her she told me that she wasn't interested in him at all... I think the 3rd or 4th time I mentioned it, she agreed - we both had a green light to have sex with other people as long as each of us know when it happens... I vaguely remember her telling me she mentioned something to him about our open marriage, but today - my wife says he never replied with a "ok then, let's have sex" type of reply... She also mentioned that even if he did, she wouldn't have done it, and only wanted attention from him.


You had my sympathies until I read the text above. What can I say, you reap what you sow.

Hope you learned your lesson that 3-somes, open marriages, etc == license to cheat. Typically, a partner/spouse will interpret these kinds of requests as a sign that you don't love them.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

But you were ok with the idea of her having sex with the exboyfriend if you had the ok with having sex with someone else?

It was ok a few years ago but it's not ok now? 

The deception part aside, what's different?


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## anzo007 (Oct 16, 2013)

barbados said:


> You mentioned 4 kids ? One is yours you say. Is the ex the father of the other 3 ?


All my kids, I hope. All but 1 of them look identical to me. I've ordered up a paternity test to have the 1 tested. I can tell my wife is deeply hurt by me wanting
The test done, but she's 100% on board with it. She asked that I apologize to her if it comes back proving the kid is mine. I refused the request as I think I have every right to.

I fear some day I find out more truth - and that I won't be able to go through the cycle again and leave her. I've given her so many opportunities to come clean and she knows its hurting me and can't be more sorry. 

Deep down I believe she's telling me everything, but my mind says there was more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anzo007 (Oct 16, 2013)

lenzi said:


> But you were ok with the idea of her having sex with the exboyfriend if you had the ok with having sex with someone else?
> 
> It was ok a few years ago but it's not ok now?
> 
> The deception part aside, what's different?


I'm less upset about the cheating. I'm devastated about the lying.

I just want to know the whole story, and sometimes I feel like I don't - and it's keeping me from moving forward.

Yes - I played with fire. I told my wife already that I understand I gave her the okay, and just want to know.

If it wasn't clear - she cheated on me 4 years prior to discussing the open marriage (at which point I didn't know about the cheating)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She had sex with her old boyfriend in your home. What more is there to say. There is a whole lot more to this story.
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Get your child tested for paternity.
3. She has constantly lied to you about this.
4. SHE HAD SEX WITH HER EX IN YOUR HOME.
5. See a lawyer to understand your options.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

anzo007 said:


> I'm less upset about the cheating. I'm devastated about the lying.


Ok, yes that makes sense.

She's got nerve to be asking you for an apology if the DNA test doesn't turn up anything new.

You have more than enough reason to request that, and a heck of a lot more.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Apparently she has her doubts, too, if she wants an apology if it turns out the kid isn't yours. Why would she want an apology if it turns out to be yours? "Honey, I'm sorry you cheated and there's a possibility that the kid isn't mine."


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

We often don't realize how deep the hole is before we find ourselves in free fall. 

Any time someone says "lets have an open relationship" chances are they've already cheated or are contemplating it. 

There's a very high possibility she's been cheating off and on the whole time. 

You could schedule a poly. However, she's been cheating off and on since you got together. At least emotionally and at some point physically. Probably both the whole time. 

I'd DNA all the kids. I also wouldn't stay, there's really no point. 

A bigger question I have is why were you okay with her talking to an ex boyfriend all the time? It may sound archaic, but I wouldn't stay with any female who has lots of guy friends. After knowing what I know now, if a woman wants to spend her evening talking to people of the opposite sex, chances are something bad will happen at some point. 

Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer? Those are standard fare. 

I'd also start lifting weights, it's not really optional for a lot of guys in our positions, at least IMO.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Tell her that you're willing to forgive her. But you must know what it is that is being forgiven. You must know specifics not generalities. For example: "forgive me for lying to you". Not good enough. You need to know what the lie or lies were. 

Tell her she has one chance and one chance only. In a spiral notebook, using a pen she needs to write a detailed account of any and all contact with her ex. Each encounter, be it in person, phone, text, or otherwise should be a separate entry with a date given. 

Tell her that if she leaves anything out and you later find out that she omitted or lied about anything all bets will be off and you may not be able to get past that. Be clear that she can't lie about any aspect ( i.e. sex on the living room floor - as opposed to on your marital bed). 

After she finishes read it over with her and ask her if there's anything missing. Wait a few days and ask her again. Then tell her you've scheduled a polygraph examination for her to verify her accounting - watch her reaction. 

You must understand that this tact is to pull the scab off of infidelity and allow healing in the light of day to occur. You can't use this as a cudgel to beat her with. Don't be crude or vindictive with her. However don't let her rugsweep the issues. 

Do you have any idea why she confessed? She may have just felt guilty - but not guilty enough to continue communicating with the ex long after the supposed "one-time-in-your-house" deed. Perhaps someone else knows too? Ask her who else knew about them.


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## anzo007 (Oct 16, 2013)

Thanks walkonmars. I like your tactic very much. 

My wife told me that she has felt that our marriage has been very good for the past couple of years, and that we were strong enough to take on the truth of her cheating many years back. She told one of her friend's a few years ago when the ex started messaging her again.

awake1 - thanks for the reading, i'll look it up.


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