# Mother In law Friends with Husbands Ex on FB?



## ak41

Hello All,

I wrote a post a few weeks back and you guys gave me some great advice, Thank you! Well this post is pertaining to the same EX. 

His mother just recently became friends with his ex fiance, I would say somewhere in the last 6 months. She is also friends with a few of his other exes and I'm ok with that but not her. Reason being is this ex I'll call her Tara requested to be friends with her either shortly before we got married or right after and my mother in law told me about it and we sat down over coffee and had a discussion all about her and she was like I don't know who she thinks she is, I don't want nothing to do with her, shes so dumb.

I'm so happy her and my son broke up, it was divine intervention and that he found you. Good riddins. And that she was so awful to him and she tried to keep him away from the family all the time especially his brother and how they all couldn't stand her and that he was always at her beck and call. All she has ever done was bad mouth this woman and I don't know her other than what I've been told.
And she said to me I would never be FB friends with her or anything else that would be such a slap in the face to you.

And now a few years later all the sudden I see this morning she is friends with her and for the past few years she has had very little to do with me and for a year or so we were very close and being me and my husband have been having such issues that only seem to be getting worse. I can't help but think did she become FB friends just for no reason, to talk to her about her son and I or to be real dirty so he could talk to her with out me knowing through her FB?

I am just steaming mad and hurt. My husband wouldn't understand if I even tried to say anything to him because no matter what it is his family does no wrong.
Please give me some thoughts on this matter, am I looking at it all wrong? Thanks so much!!!


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## staarz21

Why do you care who his mother is friends with on FB? Who she talks to doesn't matter unless it directly interferes with your life with your H. 

You can't control who she is friends with. It's best to just let it go until such a time it becomes an issue for your marriage. I wouldn't say anything to your H. He's likely not to care who is mother is FB friends with either - and it would make you appear really insecure. You don't want that.

If the ex starts trying to come to family events or is physically asserting herself into the family, then you can mention that you do not care for it. 

So long as she stays on FB, I wouldn't worry about it.


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## HeartbrokenW

Or just drop facebook entirely. I cancelled my account around Christmas time..best thing I've done! I'm no longer a part of the mainstream dramafest.


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## jaquen

Who your mother-in-law friends on a social media site isn't any of your business and shouldn't be any of your concern.


Drama, drama, drama. So unnecessary. I didn't read your other thread but I imagine you've got much deeper issues to deal with than who your MIL friends on Facebook.


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## AVR1962

My inlaws were the very same way with my husband's first wife. They could not say one nice word about her (this was before media sites) and as soon as they saw her at a function they were hugging on her and acting like she was the spot light of the event. I call that 2-faced. After that situation with my inlaws I lost a great deal of respect for them as I saw what they were capable of.


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## EleGirl

Yep, I agree with the others. Who your MIL is friends in on facebook or in real life is none of your concern.

You would do yourself a favor if you just drop this.


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## happy as a clam

Block your MIL...

(just kidding )


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## alexm

It can be a concern because if her Facebook page security settings are not set up accordingly, this third party can now see things (like photos) that she would not be comfortable sharing with this person.

And even if privacy settings are maxed out (ie no third party "friends of friends" can see your stuff), MIL can still post photos or status updates that give this other woman a lot of information.


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## staarz21

alexm said:


> It can be a concern because if her Facebook page security settings are not set up accordingly, this third party can now see things (like photos) that she would not be comfortable sharing with this person.
> 
> And even if privacy settings are maxed out (ie no third party "friends of friends" can see your stuff), MIL can still post photos or status updates that give this other woman a lot of information.


If that's the case, then OP can simply take her MIL off of FB. She cannot control who her MIL is friends with. If she doesn't like the possibility of the ex seeing photos, she can always take the MIL off FB and explain to the MIL why she did it. 

But I don't see how the ex seeing photos is really a concern. The marriage (and all the responsibility along with it) are between the OP and her H. So what if the ex sees a few photos? How does that harm their marriage?

Trying to control something that cannot be controlled is showing insecurity and creating unnecessary drama.


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## samyeagar

staarz21 said:


> If that's the case, then OP can simply take her MIL off of FB. She cannot control who her MIL is friends with. If she doesn't like the possibility of the ex seeing photos, she can always take the MIL off FB and explain to the MIL why she did it.
> 
> But I don't see how the ex seeing photos is really a concern. The marriage (and all the responsibility along with it) are between the OP and her H. So what if the ex sees a few photos? How does that harm their marriage?
> 
> Trying to control something that cannot be controlled is showing insecurity and *creating unnecessary drama*.


Unfortunately, this describes far too many Facebook users underlying, even subconscious, intent.


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## norajane

ak41 said:


> And now a few years later all the sudden I see this morning she is friends with her and for the past few years she has had very little to do with me and for a year or so we were very close and being* me and my husband have been having such issues that only seem to be getting worse. *


Are you working on these issues with your husband? The more secure you are in your relationship with your H, the less insecure you will be about what your MIL is or isn't doing on FB.


> I can't help but think did she become FB friends just for no reason, to talk to her about her son and I or to be real dirty so he could talk to her with out me knowing through her FB?


You have no way of knowing why your MIL did that unless you ask her, which I wouldn't suggest doing. 

If you are worried this ex will see info you post as MIL's friend, then block your MIL and if she asks why, tell her you aren't comfortable with your H's exes being able to see what you post so you will limit that possibility by blocking MIL.

If you are really worried that your H might somehow use this as an opportunity to talk with his ex without you knowing, take that up with your H!!! That would be the correct person to discuss this with, not your MIL. If you really think that might be true, then you and your H have much bigger problems than who your MIL is FB friends with.


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## jdawg2015

Reason # 235789487587458999 why Facebook sucks.:rofl:

I truly hate Facebook.


OP, personally I think it's a slap in the face for your MIL to keep any ex around out of respect and reducing any bad feelings. MIL is not thinking to keep your husband's life in the clear with drama like this. :scratchhead:

I know if my daughter ever got married and then remarried I'd be very careful to delete any of the past.


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## alexm

staarz21 said:


> If that's the case, then OP can simply take her MIL off of FB. She cannot control who her MIL is friends with. If she doesn't like the possibility of the ex seeing photos, she can always take the MIL off FB and explain to the MIL why she did it.
> 
> But I don't see how the ex seeing photos is really a concern. The marriage (and all the responsibility along with it) are between the OP and her H. So what if the ex sees a few photos? How does that harm their marriage?
> 
> Trying to control something that cannot be controlled is showing insecurity and creating unnecessary drama.


Her MIL can still post pictures which the ex will see whether OP's still friends with her or not. She can ask that she not post stuff like that, I suppose.

It would bother me, because I'm in a similar spot. My wife's best friend has my wife's ex (and father of her kids) on Facebook, going back to when they were together. She's one of those people who has 400 Friends and doesn't bother to remove people.

I find it weird that my wife's ex can see photos of all of us if he wanted to. Maybe that's just me?


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## jdawg2015

happy as a clam said:


> Block your MIL...
> 
> (just kidding )


Actually, in this case, it may be the best solution. Not kidding either.

Solves the OP from having to see the ex. She should block the ex as well.


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## WandaJ

She can see your posts on facebook. She can also hear gossips about you from mutual friends. People talk. Why does that bother you so much?


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## ak41

I don't really care if the ex can see posts or pictures, I rarely post on FB and my mother in law doesn't post anything about us either. For me it was more about after all these years after she told me she would never be FB friends with her because that would be such a slap in the face to me and so on and spoke so terribly about her and than turns around and does it.

Why now? I just feel betrayed and hurt and mad at her. And wonder if she had a motive???


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## NextTimeAround

ak41 said:


> I don't really care if the ex can see posts or pictures, I rarely post on FB and my mother in law doesn't post anything about us either. For me it was more about after all these years after she told me she would never be FB friends with her because that would be such a slap in the face to me and so on and spoke so terribly about her and than turns around and does it.
> 
> Why now? I just feel betrayed and hurt and mad at her. And wonder if she had a motive???


I hope this makes you feel a littl bit better.

I think my mother gets into inappropriate relationships / situations with our exe's as well.

The best things to do:

1. don't have a discussion with her about it. she'll probably go into "I can be friends with whomever the he!! I want" mode. And possibly repeat it to others.

2. Be mindful of what she is doing and adjust accordingly. If she invites the ex, leave. If it's your place, don't be afraid to tell her / them to leave.

3. If your MIL ever does make a big show of her "friendship" with the ex, just cold shoulder her until she stops.


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## Angelou

How annoying lol. You mentioned your communication with her isn't the same after a couple of years. What has changed?I know you said bc you and your H are having problems. But that can't be the only thing causing MIL to want to spark up an old friendship with this person.


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## Shoto1984

jdawg2015 said:


> Reason # 235789487587458999 why Facebook sucks.:rofl:
> 
> I truly hate Facebook.
> 
> 
> OP, personally I think it's a slap in the face for your MIL to keep any ex around out of respect and reducing any bad feelings. MIL is not thinking to keep your husband's life in the clear with drama like this. :scratchhead:
> 
> I know if my daughter ever got married and then remarried I'd be very careful to delete any of the past.


:iagree: It comes down to loyalty to the family. Seems obvious to me.


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## AliceA

It's rude and unnecessary. It also makes it clear she no longer supports your marriage to her son. I would remove MIL from my friends if I were you,and I actually did after my own MIL was nasty to me, then blocked her as well. No more drama for me, it's great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound

I suppose their is nothing you can do about it, but I do see it as a slap in the face. I don't know why she would want any contact.


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## richie33

How does this directly affect your life? Log off, deactivate and move on. Facebook "friends" are a figment of ones imagination.


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## NextTimeAround

Shoto1984 said:


> :iagree: It comes down to loyalty to the family. Seems obvious to me.



Yes, I agree. the problems that my brother and I had with our mother befriending exes occurred in the '80s and '90s, long before FB came into existence.


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## jaquen

Shoto1984 said:


> :iagree: It comes down to loyalty to the family. Seems obvious to me.


I don't agree with this at all.

Just because we choose to become family with one person doesn't mean their entire family is obligated to take up the same vow. I really find it unfortunate that she's this invested in who her husband's mother is friends with on Facebook, no matter what the MIL said in the past. MIL is NOT obligated to take sides, or exclude people from her own life just because they make her son's wife uncomfortable. And we're not even talking about inviting the ex to Christmas dinner, we're talking about freaking FACEBOOK. 

This really needs to be logged in the "none of my business" pile and she'd do best to move on.


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## Shoto1984

Interesting. We seem to be strong on one side or the other...

Facebook may seem trivial (and it should be) but when you've had your life turned upside down by events on Facebook what goes on there isn't so trivial. 

If we were talking cousin or something, sure, but mothers and fathers hold more sway over their children, have more frequent contact, and have a greater responsibility to support.

In many marriage ceremonies, all who are present are called upon to support the marriage and to aid the couple in times of need. Call me crazy but I take this seriously, especially within the family.

I guess it comes down to personal code. Your son has chosen a wife. What good is there in choosing to maintain a relationship with one of his ex's. Isn't the act of doing so likely to be seen as disrespectful? Why would you choose this over your daughter in law.....the person your son chose.

Just my two cents.


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## southbound

Shoto1984 said:


> Interesting. We seem to be strong on one side or the other...
> 
> Facebook may seem trivial (and it should be) but when you've had your life turned upside down by events on Facebook what goes on there isn't so trivial.
> 
> If we were talking cousin or something, sure, but mothers and fathers hold more sway over their children, have more frequent contact, and have a greater responsibility to support.
> 
> In many marriage ceremonies, all who are present are called upon to support the marriage and to aid the couple in times of need. Call me crazy but I take this seriously, especially within the family.
> 
> I guess it comes down to personal code. Your son has chosen a wife. What good is there in choosing to maintain a relationship with one of his ex's. Isn't the act of doing so likely to be seen as disrespectful? Why would you choose this over your daughter in law.....the person your son chose.
> 
> Just my two cents.


I agree. On one hand, facebook seems like nothing. On the other hand, it has been know to cause a lot of drama among people. 

Here again is just more than one opinion based on our own experiences i suppose. My parents, or even as far down as cousins, don't have any type of relationship with my x just out of respect for me, and I's do the same for them.


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## NextTimeAround

Shoto1984 said:


> Interesting. We seem to be strong on one side or the other...
> 
> Facebook may seem trivial (and it should be) but when you've had your life turned upside down by events on Facebook what goes on there isn't so trivial.
> 
> If we were talking cousin or something, sure, *but mothers and fathers hold more sway over their children, have more frequent contact, and have a greater responsibility to support.*
> 
> In many marriage ceremonies, all who are present are called upon to support the marriage and to aid the couple in times of need. Call me crazy but I take this seriously, especially within the family.
> 
> I guess it comes down to personal code. Your son has chosen a wife. What good is there in choosing to maintain a relationship with one of his ex's. Isn't the act of doing so likely to be seen as disrespectful? Why would you choose this over your daughter in law.....the person your son chose.
> 
> Just my two cents.


and let's not forget, who's more likely to be around -- and expected to -- wipe the MIL's a$$ when she's no longer able to do it herself.

Certainly not the ex girlfriend / fiance / whatever she was was.


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## always_hopefull

What exactly did your Mil say when you talked to her about it? If you haven't talked to her yet, I suggest you do, if this issue is so important to you. Otherwise you'll be starting another thread on your new issues with your Mil. 

My advice, block the ex gf, she won't be able to see anything the Mil shares, if it's tied to you and you won't see anything of the ex gf. There are many reasons she may have friended the exgf, none of which are your businesses (not meant in a mean way, people are entitled to their lives). I think you may be insecure with your relationship with your H, but opening this can of worms won't improve things. Have you tried counseling to see why your so upset?

Fyi, my mum is friends with my cheating and abusive exh, he truly is a pos. But it's my mother's choice, I am her daughter and she loves me. I respect her enough to make her own choices. I cannot, nor will I even try to control her.


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## Shoto1984

always_hopefull said:


> Fyi, my mum is friends with my cheating and abusive exh, he truly is a pos. But it's my mother's choice, I am her daughter and she loves me. I respect her enough to make her own choices. I cannot, nor will I even try to control her.


I don't advocate trying to control another, but wouldn't it have been an admirable gesture for your mother to have ended the relationship with your ex when you did (or to wind it down to an end over a short period of time). There are people who put their desires first and there are people who don't (even where family is concerned) There are also people who just have no sensitivity for things like this. Its invisible to them. It doesn't make them bad but a characteristic to be aware of.


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## always_hopefull

Shoto1984 said:


> I don't advocate trying to control another, but wouldn't it have been an admirable gesture for your mother to have ended the relationship with your ex when you did (or to wind it down to an end over a short period of time). There are people who put their desires first and there are people who don't (even where family is concerned) There are also people who just have no sensitivity for things like this. Its invisible to them. It doesn't make them bad but a characteristic to be aware of.


I'm actually at peace with my mother's relationship with my exh and I'm glad she maintained it. My brother passed away last year and there is no family close other than me. My ex has helped my mum and dad on numerous occasions, even staying with my dad during the night when he was taken to the hospital by ambulance, I was too far away at the time. I love my parents and am thankful they have another person who loves them and will be there for them. He may be a posex, but he has loved my parents for over 25 years and I could never deny them their relationship. 

To be honest, if any new guy in my life had an issue with my ex being in my parents life, it could be a deal breaker. As I have little to do with my ex, other than the kids and I don't see how their relationship effects me. But my parents are in their early to mid 80's, how old are his?


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## NextTimeAround

always_hopefull said:


> I'm actually at peace with my mother's relationship with my exh and I'm glad she maintained it. My brother passed away last year and there is no family close other than me. My ex has helped my mum and dad on numerous occasions, even staying with my dad during the night when he was taken to the hospital by ambulance, I was too far away at the time. I love my parents and am thankful they have another person who loves them and will be there for them. He may be a posex, but he has loved my parents for over 25 years and I could never deny them their relationship.
> 
> To be honest, if any new guy in my life had an issue with my ex being in my parents life, it could be a deal breaker. As I have little to do with my ex, other than the kids and I don't see how their relationship effects me. But my parents are in their early to mid 80's, how old are his?


your situation is different from that of the OP's.

1. Your exH is the father of your mother's grandchildren.
2. Your exH has proven that your mother does receive something tangible from her continued relationship with him.
3. It does not sound as if there has been any drama created from this relationship.


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## jdawg2015

breeze said:


> It's rude and unnecessary. It also makes it clear she no longer supports your marriage to her son. I would remove MIL from my friends if I were you,and I actually did after my own MIL was nasty to me, then blocked her as well. No more drama for me, it's great.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is how how I view this situation.

Feelings aren't always rational and some people don't respect that. A simple click to the unfriend button (and FB does not notify someone they've been unfriended) and hard feelings do away.

Simple (and right) thing for the MIL to do IMO


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## jaquen

Shoto1984 said:


> In many marriage ceremonies, all who are present are called upon to support the marriage and to aid the couple in times of need. Call me crazy but I take this seriously, especially within the family.
> 
> I guess it comes down to personal code. Your son has chosen a wife. What good is there in choosing to maintain a relationship with one of his ex's. Isn't the act of doing so likely to be seen as disrespectful? Why would you choose this over your daughter in law.....the person your son chose.
> 
> Just my two cents.


 Because the mother is an autonomous person. She existed in the world before her son, and long before her son met his now wife. Whatever obligations of loyalty she has to her son's wife is totally up to her choosing. 

Maybe she has a relationship with the ex that exists outside of the son? Maybe she doesn't, the ex just friended her on FB, and like many people, she felt socially obligated to accept? We have no idea.

How seriously we, as married, people want our families to take our marriage doesn't negate the fact that our given families are NOT obligated to change their lives because we made a decision to wed. That, to me, rings of total selfishness. Just because I switched romantic partners it means my family members must alter their lives to accommodate that? Why? I learned a long time ago that our loved ones, including parents, do not exist just to accommodate our lives.

If the OP has an actual issue with her MIL in their relationship, that's her business and she should concentrate on strengthening their relationship. Who else her mother speaks to in her own life really shouldn't be her concentration. It just causes unnecessary drama, which we see unfolding right now. If the MIL ever feels the need to totally cut her son's ex out of the picture, let her come to that conclusion on her own, for reasons that are about HER life, not trying to appease her daughter in law's insecurities.


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## sh987

It's not really the same thing, but a few years ago, we'd gone to my wife's parent's house for a visit, and my MIL was so excited, talking to my wife about a guy she used to be friends with back in high school: 

"I have the most exciting news! I bumped into Jarrett! He got a divorce and moved back to town... And he ASKED ABOUT YOU! Isn't that great? What can I say to him?!"

She could barely her schoolgirl glee over the whole thing.

Wife: You can start by telling him that I'm married. What do I care about him being divorced or where he lives? I haven't seen or even though of the guy in almost 20 years. We didn't even go out back then.

MIL was never a fan of the marriage; BIG issues, mostly surrounding race (I wish my mother were different, but it's just the same with her). Example: on the wedding day, after the hairdresser, getting all dressed and all of that, then MIL-to-be asked "Are you 100% sure? It's not too late to back out."

It now takes the form of passive-aggressive comments, back-handed compliments, etc... Thank goodness we live about 2,000 km away from them, and visit once a year at most.

As far as it goes with MIL and facebook: she got on it last year, and sent requests to her kids, all of their spouses, and any grandchildren who had accounts........ But not me. lol

(Not that I ever do anything no it, anyway)


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## southbound

I had a civil divorce, and there is no drama, but I wouldn't want my parents in any kind of a relationship with my x wife, and neither would they want it. It would just be super-awkward for both of us. 

My x is in the WAW category. She may be the mother of their grandchildren, but she is also the woman who thought little enough of their son to divorce him and turn everyone's life upside down.


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## NextTimeAround

sh987 said:


> It's not really the same thing, but a few years ago, we'd gone to my wife's parent's house for a visit, and my MIL was so excited, talking to my wife about a guy she used to be friends with back in high school:
> 
> "I have the most exciting news! I bumped into Jarrett! He got a divorce and moved back to town... And he ASKED ABOUT YOU! Isn't that great? What can I say to him?!"
> 
> She could barely her schoolgirl glee over the whole thing.
> 
> Wife: You can start by telling him that I'm married. What do I care about him being divorced or where he lives? I haven't seen or even though of the guy in almost 20 years. We didn't even go out back then.
> 
> MIL was never a fan of the marriage; BIG issues, mostly surrounding race (I wish my mother were different, but it's just the same with her). Example: on the wedding day, after the hairdresser, getting all dressed and all of that, then MIL-to-be asked "Are you 100% sure? It's not too late to back out."
> 
> It now takes the form of passive-aggressive comments, back-handed compliments, etc... Thank goodness we live about 2,000 km away from them, and visit once a year at most.
> 
> As far as it goes with MIL and facebook: she got on it last year, and sent requests to her kids, all of their spouses, and any grandchildren who had accounts........ But not me.  lol
> 
> (Not that I ever do anything no it, anyway)


these things become such an irony. My maternal grandmother was such a b!tch. My parents married while my father still had 2 more years of med school back in the 50s. He was paying for that rhough the GI Bill. My mother wrote her asking for $5 for the train fare to visit her. My grandmother wrote back telling my mother that if her husband didn't have that $5, then she married wrong man.

Fast for forward 55 years and my grandmother is completely dependent on my mother who, thanks to my father's earning power does not have towork so my mother can concentrate a lot of her time on her mother; and also put out the money that her own means don't cover. 

My mother's brother did not help at all and he predeceased their mother. I never got the feeling that my father tried to stop my mother from doing what she thought was necessary but he did grumble about it. Imagine if FB had come out early enough for my grandmother to get on it. Would she have sought out ex boyfriends and other family acquaintances to remind my mother of what she could have had? 

My grandmother was a toxic a$$ calling her young grandchildren fat (and not just me) and laughing about it. One time my brother when he was young told her she sounded like one of those laughing machines. My grandmother wanted him to aplogise and father told him not to.

Anyway, we should all be aware of the complex web of relationships that we are able to weave these days and be mindful of how today's choices can impact our primary relationships in the future.


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## Jellybeans

ak41 said:


> And now a few years later all the sudden I see this morning she is friends with her and for the past few years she has had very little to do with me and for a year or so we were very close and being me and my husband have been having such issues that only seem to be getting worse. I can't help but think did she become FB friends just for no reason, to talk to her about her son and I or to be real dirty so he could talk to her with out me knowing through her FB?
> 
> Please give me some thoughts on this matter, am I looking at it all wrong? Thanks so much!!!


People change. Maybe she couldn't stand the ex at first but somewhere along the lines they made amends. Or one of them friend requested the other and the other decided it was all water under the bridge now. Maybe they don't even talk on Facebook.

I do think you're probably projecting the hurt you feel in your own marriage/the non-closeness you have with your own MIL onto the fact she's now friends with his ex on a social media format. 

Know that there's no way you're ever gonna know what they do or don't talk about unless she tells you. I mean you could ask but at the end of the day, it's MIL's choice who she friends. Also, if it was your husband who slagged his ex after the break up, then no doubt your MIL was protective of him (all family is usually) and took his side so that's why she told you she didn't like ex. Families tend to take the sides of whoever their relatives are.

Even if you did say something to your husband, he can't control who his mother decides to add to her friend list on Facebook. It's ultimately her choice.

Know that you can't do anything about it but maybe try to focus on your marriage and things you can control.


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