# Help with setting boundaries



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey fellas,

I am generally a laid back guy. Too laid back sometimes. And it gets me into trouble sometimes in family, work, and especially relationships.
I know it sounds obvious to many, but i just don't want to miss important boundaries in gf relationship, especially when it comes to fighting or confrontation which i normally dont like, and try to avoid, but know is necessary.
Any suggestions on what you guys use in relationships that works well?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm not sure I really understand the question. There's no firm list of boundaries that works for everyone. A relationship boundary is simply a statement of what you will not tolerate in a relationship. That's going to be different for different people. Boundaries do not control your partner, but rather state what _you_ will or will not tolerate. They aren't designed to keep a partner from doing anything they should choose to do. They're for you and dictate your own behavior. 

My personal relationship boundaries include things like: 
I will not be in a relationship with someone who is verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive. 
I will not be in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful, either emotionally or physically.
I will not be in a relationship with someone who has close, emotionally intimate, or private, friendships with members of the opposite sex, exes or otherwise. 

Now, there's nothing to say that my partner cannot decide to spend every Sunday having brunch and cocktails with their ex who is now their "best friend". But my boundary is that I will not be in a relationship with someone who does that. So, it's on me to decide to either change my boundary to accept that behavior, or to leave the relationship. I'm not trying to control my partner, or asking my partner to change themselves to fit my standards. I'm only determining what does or does not work for me, personally, within a romantic relationship and acting accordingly.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Know your self, the boundaries will take care of them selves.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thank you for clarifying that. I understand about the unique or custom boundaries that apply to each one of us. I guess I just needed a starting point and what might be considered important. But then again, some things that are important to me, may not be important to you.

My girlfriend and I plan to have a talk about our boundaries tonight. She wants to know what mine are.

I know my general boundaries, but I feel the trick is applying it to specific circumstances. And there are so many of them, some easy (black and white) and many others that can be gray. I think that's where I struggle sometimes, in the gray area.

She may ask me specific questions about boundaries in our talk tonite. Would that be overdoing it with the specific questions? Should we just focus on sharing our general boundaries?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> Thank you for clarifying that. I understand about the unique or custom boundaries that apply to each one of us. I guess I just needed a starting point and what might be considered important. But then again, some things that are important to me, may not be important to you.
> 
> My girlfriend and I plan to have a talk about our boundaries tonight. She wants to know what mine are.
> 
> ...



Is this supposed to be a sexual boundaries conversation? Because I've never really had a dedicated preemptive personal/relationship boundaries conversation with a new partner. I have been very upfront that a few of my "immediate deal-breakers" include abuse, infidelity, lying, active addiction, etc. with prospective new partners. But I also think it's fine to realize and acknowledge new boundaries for yourself as situations arise. You won't be able to think of everything that you might have a boundary for yourself about in a single conversation. So it's not like you have to live forever with _only_ the boundaries you tell your girlfriend about tonight. You also have the right to change your mind about things that, right now, you think you are or are not okay with. If something new or unforeseen ever comes up, you get to decide at that point if it's important to you and what you want to do about it. 

Now, if this is just a conversation about sex, then just let her know what you are in to and what you aren't.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sounds like she is trying to pin you down.
Where do you stand on things?

Is 'Our' relationship exclusive.
If it is, are we heading towards marriage?

Maybe she thinks it is time to clarify the relationship...in her mind.

-Or- shudder...

She has met someone else or is thinking about someone else and needs to be "convinced' otherwise.
Laid back men are temporarily good...laid back and made love to. 
Not good for a future together.

If you are serious about this women, now is the time to step up and officially claim her.
Tell her that you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.

If you do not feel this way, be honest.
Be prepared to lose her, shortly thereafter.

Just Sayin'


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's nothing sexual. We already know our boundaries when it comes to that. It's more about a bigger commitment which would lead to marriage. This would both be our 2nd marriage. I do love her and want a future with her, so that's the likely direction we'll go. 
But I also think this is my opportunity to state my boundaries as well. In the past, I did not have firm boundaries and sharing them with my girlfriend due to my laid back, go with the flow attitude and not really thinking of and defining my own personal boundaries. 
This lack of firm boundaries had put me in situations where I try to please too many people and end up disappointing those that are still important to me, sometimes my girlfriend. So that was me lacking in boundaries. And I understand it is important to have boundaries to make those around me understand and respect me, but also to make myself a better person and ultimately happier.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I don't precisely understand what your question is. Usually, when a woman wants to talk about something she really is just wanting you to listen, so be an active listener and use probing questions to really get down to what it is that she wants to communicate. 

If this talk is really about your future together, don't be too serious. Tease her a bit about trying to lock you down and make it a fun playful conversation. Basically, you can give her whatever commitment you want but have fun and make her work for it a bit.

As far as fighting boundaries goes, I never fight with women. There's just no point and it isn't conducive to getting my way. 

My boundaries, if you want to call them that is that I just expect honesty and mutual respect. Anything else can be worked out as long as you have both of those.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

"How can I not be such a p*ssy" is basically what you're asking. 

Well, it's just a matter of breaking bad habits, like anything else. Learn to listen to that nagging little feeling in your gut that says "uh oh", and practice saying "No" a lot more.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Honestly, it sounds like you just need to use your words. It doesn't sound like you have any problems in your relationship, at work, etc. All of your problems seem to stem from YOU and the fact that you cannot express yourself. I'd get on this quick. A self-help book should provide a good foundation. I suggest you learn to do this ASAP. As a woman it is extremely frustrating (not to mention a huge turn off) when a man can't use his words. I'm not talking about mushy stuff, but overall taking control of his life verbally.

Any boundary is up for grabs, IMO. We all have different ones but if you can't use your words you'll never establish them. After you establish them you need to learn how to enforce them and as a PA man that's going to be a second challenge.

Cany ou guve us a specific example? Maybe we can direct you better.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

LOL. This is what I got from his post as well.

How to Man Up 101.


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