# Can he really change



## 123

Let me start by saying I absolutely love my husband. He is a wonderful man and a great father. He works Monday through Friday, picks the kids up everyday after school, and occasionally starts dinner before I get home from work. My only issue is when he drinks. I am not opposed to drinking. But he is unable to stop once he starts. He blacks out, says hurtful things to me, insists on driving, yells at me because I won't give him his keys, eventually he pukes and passes out. This happens every Friday and Saturday night. I understand that a week at work can be stressful and sometimes a few drinks at the end of the week can help you to wind down. But I don't understand why he always has to drink to this extent. I just talked to him the other day about his drinking and told him that something needs to change. I said that it is a choice he has to make for himself and I will be there to support him but if he choses to drink I would leave and take the kids with me for the weekend because we do not need to be around him when he is like this. He has promised to change and I hope he does. Is it possible for a binge drinker to quit on their own?


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## the guy

He has to quite on his own, for his own reason. I quite when I hit rock bottom b/c of my temper.
For me I don't know how to love so I drink. I blame my parent, but thats what alcholics do they blame other poeple.
Good luck girl, My wife has gone thru hell and after 20 yrs of marraige I think I got it figured out and we're work-in out


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## JJ123

123 I can relate to your problem. My problem is when my husband is off work. I hate to come home because I know he has been drinking. Why can't they give if up. I have threatened him told him to go to councelling etc. But it really has never gone away. My husband doesn't call me names when he is drinking which is good. That must be very hard for you. So what can we do? We can't change them, but we can think educate or children so hopefully they don't make the same mistake. If you are able to leave for the weekend then keep doing that the kids don't need to see him that way. 
Congrats to the guy I hope you keep it up, because your wife is one amazing woman.


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## Janie

I agree with everyone else. He will not give it up until he decides to do it. 

Leaving for the weekend? It does seem a good idea to create distance during the times he's dangerous, but I'm not sure everyone else in the house has to leave. Can he just leave for the weekends? 

Missing out on the weekend fun may be enough discomfort to cause him to make a change. 

But, you must protect you and your children from this behavior! I'm not sure what danger he poses to them, but witnessing such ugliness as children is unwarranted. Protect them from that.

Even if it requires leaving him.


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## pochael

Here is the thing. He will start hiding it if you start making threats of leaving etc...

I do not think he is an alcoholic (yet), but you need to find that out. 

If he was a full blown alcoholic he would drink everyday. So now the question is, does he hide it during the week?

If not, then you need to find ways that shows you are ok with something but not to the extent he is doing it. Then start to slow it down. 

Try on friday or saturday to take the kids to the movies in the evening then go get ice cream. Take as much time out as you can. When you get home, he may start to have a drink and hopefully you all can be at a point where it is time for bed. Start looking into different things.


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## ThinkTooMuch

*Yes, but he has to want to*

You have my sincere sympathy, your husband is not doing well.

Your husband has a serious alchohol problem as well as others that I won't attempt to identify. They are endangering your family.

He is an alcholic - see this site, high on google's responses, when one searches for "alcholic" 

Alcholic - definition of Alcholic in the Medical dictionary - by the Free Online Medical Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

One doesn't have to be drunk daily to be dependent on alchohol. 

He needs to seek counselling, stop drinking, and deal with his underlying issues.

In the meantime, you should leave the house when he's drinking, his conduct is unacceptable.

I know a fair number of people who find AA (Alchoholics Anonymous) very effective and supportive. I also know spouses and family members who find Al-Anon a great place to go, I strongly suggest you attend several meetings and try to keep going.

The alchohol abuser I know the best has focused his non-work life around AA and it is working, I think he goes to 3 or 4 meetings a week and has been dry for a number of years. He is one of the brightest people I know - I attended a meeting once because he wanted me to. I think everyone spoke (I gave and why I was there), some have not used alchohol or drugs for 20+ years, one fellow had slept on the street the previous night, he was hung over from drugs or alchohol, but wanted to quit.

I have close relatives who ruined their and their families lives with drugs and alchohol, I have had close friends with brilliant husbands who used alchohol to numb themselves, he later died because of liver failure when he was 44. I have a little sister whose 25 year old son almost died because of drugs and alchohol, yet he still drinks and abuses drugs, her other child is simply wonderful. I've lost close friends due to alcholics driving while drunk.

Please get him to get the help he needs before he destroys his body, his mind, his family, or drives under the influence and destroys a life.
Please!


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## 123

Thank you all for your advice. So far it has been 2 weeks and 2 days since he has last drank. We are both trying to stay positive that this can be a lasting change but also taking it one day at a time. I spoke with his mother and she said that his father was the same way. This is actually reassuring to me. His father does not drink and she said that he quit on his own. I will keep my fingers crossed that my husband can do the same thing since he won't go to AA. At least now we have the support of his family and it is no longer a secret. I still plan on standing my ground if things don't change, but as I said I love my husband, I am going to do my best to help him maintain a non-alcoholic lifestyle. Guess we'll just have to find other ways to keep him busy. ) Thanks again!


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## Stuie

123 said:


> I will keep my fingers crossed that my husband can do the same thing since he won't go to AA.


Why not?

You made two really good points in your post that will really help:

1. Take one day at a time. Don't let him think about "never" having another drink, just focus on not drinking today.
2. Keep him busy. Find ways to fill the time that used to be spent drinking.


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## lisakifttherapy

Great that your husband hasn't had a drink in a few weeks! And yes, it's possible for him to manage his alcohol intake - but it's also possible he won't be able to. 

It all depends on a number of things: the reasons he's using alcohol in the first place, if he's physically dependent and if he wants to.

Most people seek help when they've hit bottom - when they've suffered enough consequences to try to change the situation. Hopefully his remorse about how he's treated you when drunk is enough. 

If he's not willing to do a program like AA, perhaps at least he can find a local counselor to help him sort through the underlying issues of his drinking. If he doesn't, he might be more prone to falling back into old patterns. 

Perhaps having a father who drank in a similar way - then was able to quit on his own will be enough to make it so for him. But be cautious in moving forward. Find out what has led him to drink so much and see if there are things he can do instead of drinking. For example, if it's been stress related, can he exercise? Be more open about his feelings? Rely more on you to talk about it? Get a hobby he enjoys?

Good luck!


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## EynaraWolf

A few years ago a friend of mine was having a similar problem with her husband. She confided in me that she tried everything, but put it all squarely on HIS shoulders. She never got any results.

You're in a marriage. By definition it's two people coming together as one. This is an "OUR" problem.

My advice to her was to make HIS problem THEIR problem. He wasn't able to do it (because he hadn't hit rock bottom) for himself yet, but he was able to do it for his wife and for his children.

It seems to me your husband wants to stop his drinking behavior, whether it's total abstinence or learning to moderate is something to workout between the two of you (though I would go with total abstinence for a long time so the drunken behavior is completely out of his system.) 

Scott (My friend's husband) never went to AA and hasn't had a drink in over two and half years. He has no desire to go back to it because he can now remember having fun with his family on the weekends. Not everyone needs conventional methods to kick addictions. Though, keep it in your arsenal if needed later on in his road to recovery. 

The both of you can make it through this! Hold your ground on your safety and your children's safety. Don't push AA on him now. Don't fix what isn't broken. Keep giving him love and support. 

Other suggestions would be to make Friday night date night and Saturday night family night (Or how ever it works for you) One date and a night out with the kids would roughly be about what he'd spend in a bar to get that drunk. Give him new ways to relax and unwind of a hard week of work. Start out by going to places that don't serve alcohol. Help him see how enjoyable and how much more fulfilling life is without the crutch.

It is doable. If he wants to change and with all the love and support you're giving him, he will make it. Men are capable of just about anything for the people they love.

Good luck and cheers!
~E


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## 123

We are now just past 3 weeks and my DH is still not drinking. I am soooo proud of him. We have been doing a lot more things as a family and keeping busy. I know that it has been very hard for him. If anyone has any advice on how to help him handle social situations it would be greatly appreciated. My family is a huge part of our lives and we have a lot of family get togethers(birthdays, holiday weekend bbq's, camping trips, etc.) The problem is, my family are very social drinkers. No one ever goes overboard like my hubby, but alcohol is a big part of our family functions. Is too much to ask of my family to not have alcohol at these functions or is better that we avoid going for a while? I want to make it as easy as possible for him to suceed. Thanks again for all your support and advice.


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## greeneyeddolphin

It is possible for anyone to change...if they want to change. And that's the question: does he want to? You say it's been 3 weeks...that's a great start. But keep in mind it is just that: a start. The question is can he do it long term. Continue to support him and be there for him. 

I once dated a guy who had a major drinking problem. Like your hubby, he would only drink on the weekends. He would drink while on the phone with me, and I would then have to listen to him argue with nonexistent people, break all of his dishes, windows, etc. The night he broke his 500 gallon saltwater fish tank while drunk was the night I hung up the phone and refused to take his calls. He promised to change and to stop drinking. And he did. We broke up because he had some other problems that he refused to get help for. I have not talked to this guy since we broke up, but from what I've heard, he still does not drink. So it is possible for your hubby to stop drinking and to stay sober. Just take it one day at a time.


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## olivia234

my husband had same problem drinking and verbal abuse and i finally left him after 2 yrs together and 3 months married i could see he didnt want to change so i left. im glad i did but it hurt to leave but sometimes u need to think about yourself and whats best for number 1!!!


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## 123

olivia234

I am sorry to hear that your marriage had to end, but I wish you the best. 

I am happy to say that my DH has still not had a drink since August 7th. He tells me he feels clear headed and is enjoying his weekends more. I am so proud of him and I have definitely been ejoying my weekends more as well. Not having to deal with a hungover husband has been very nice. We have still been keeping busy. I know this is still just the begining and he has a long way to go, but I finally feel like this is something that HE wants and that he isn't doing it just for me. I know that makes all the difference. 

Once again, thanks for all the advice and please keep your fingers crossed for me that my H can stick with it.


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## Mom6547

I don't blame him for not going to AA! Their one-size-fits all, proselytizing, self-serving stuff is too much! Not to mention it is nearly impossible for an atheist. By their own statistics, their success rate is not very good.

Google The Sinclair Method. Ask yourself why would someone continue to drink when there are so many things WRONG with it. Biology, baby. The biology of alcohol and opiates are different than things like cigarettes. Cigarettes cause a simple chemical dependency. Once the chemical dependency is broken, the desire to smoke is less and less over time. (Four years quite after a lifetime of smoking.) Not so with alcohol. Studies show that the desire for alcohol increases and increases over time. Thus why so many people in 12 step recovery programs fall off the wagon. 

If you google Sinclair Method, you will learn about studies that he used to discover what was going on as well as what can be done about it. In Finland, the clinics have something like an 80% success rate.

Good luck!

S


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