# Sex after an affair... the bigger picture.



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I am hear to ask men and women what they could sum up about something I have been curious about for sometime. I have heard many talk about having trouble reconnecting with their spouses after an affair. The couple remains together but have some trouble reconnecting on a sexual level, that the sex just never is the same afterwards. Still, after vowing their love for their spouses, and convince them of their undying love, sex just isn't quite the same. Could being with a larger man that gave the woman more pleasure, or the man having better sex with another woman make one feel less satisfied with their own mate? Does 'Once you have better, what used to be good doesn't cut it' i.e. a bigger size, larger breast, etc. Or is there a bigger picture. Could the mere fact that just having the excitement of the affair have more to do with it? Is bigger better? I think in some cases, yes, but the real fact lies in the stirred emotions these extramarital affairs bring about. Could this be, for the most part, the cause so many have trouble reconnecting sexually with their spouses after the affair. I hope I have been clear in my question. Any input?


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## Marvel212 (May 7, 2012)

I def. think that it has to do with the bigger picture. For me I know it does. Mind games are the worst when your striving to be the couple you were before. If your partner was completely satisfied with your sexual actions why did they look else where? That was the #1 question I could never get out of my head. I could never let it go and just enjoy the moment. It made me doubt my self as well as his true love for me. After the hurt comes the crazy wife that no guy likes. Always asking obsurd questions. Then he just pushes away because I was "acting crazy." Then anger sets in and I seek revenge and not just simple. Going out with a motive to hurt him worse then he hurt me. 

Thank God I am no longer that person. If it happens I'm done the first time and I make that very clear.


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

2 words.. mind movies!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Ben confussed:

I relate to what marvel said. 

My cheating spouse told the counselors that I wasn't as interested in sex as he was, and he cheated for sex only. But the texts and emails that were mailed anonymously to me tell a story of a very emotional connection with the OW. 

So, although it was obvious in the emails and letters that they lusted after each other and both desired sex, sex was not the focus of the relationship.

It was not necessarily love, but both were sharing intimate thoughts and things that should only be shared with a spouse and both were complaining about silly insignificant things that annoyed them about their respective spouses. 

The emails and texts seemed so immature. By the time someone reaches their 50s they should have a more realistic understanding of a long term marriage.

It literally sounded like two teenagers twittering and complaining about their mother and father rather than a spouse. It was sickening. The silly things they complained about were the most sickening part.

Also, Tthe real truth with the sex issue was that he was bored after 20 years, and wanted some variety, plus he has a porn addiction. 

The porn did turn me off and it effected his performance in bed. He often had difficulty ejaculating and that made me feel undesirable. 

And, often he would have premature ejatulation and that made me feel also undesirable, as if he did not want to slow down and make love to me, he only wanted to f**ck. 

I did ask for counseling about it, years ago, and he refused. I did discuss the romancing issue, he laughed. That also upset me. 

Sex had morphed from making love to being a situation where it was just hop on hop off and it was not very satisfying for me. It used to be but he had changed. 

Then I see him spending hours days months romancing this OW in her 30s, flirting, witty repartee back and forth, lots of sexual innuendo and blatant sexual language, and groveling after a spat and him spending our marital assets wining and dining her and taking her to romantic weekend vacations spots, pretending he was on one of his boy's only camping trips, while I sat at home paying the bills and juggling our finances so he could open a new business. 

Also, during R, before we separated, he did not really seem interested in sex that much. I tried to be loving and I was interested in sex. But I always had to be the one to initiate, he never did. 

Still with the MC he still blamed the fact that I had withdrawn sexually as the reason for the affair.

He is now starting to realize that I withdrew because he wasn't putting much energy into me or the relationship or our sex life. 

Nevertheless, he still does not seem to lust after me the way he did the OW and that hurts and is a huge turn off. I feel less than and very undesirable when with him, now.

Men come onto me frequently, so I have to wonder why my husband doesn't seem to find me sexually attractive.

I don't have a huge ego and having lots of brothers who teased me mercilessly so I never really thought I was pretty, even though when my brothers got older they told me I was. 

The OW, is not very attractive, she is packaged well in a ****ty way and dresses ****ty and struts her stuff. She does have a huge ego and she thinks she is far better looking than her husband although she is not. 

I at first was willing to reconnect with him, but than I could see clearly that he really did not lust after sex with me the way he did with her. 

The MC thinks it's a Madonna/whoore thing. And, that would be something I could handle if he had not gone off and found someone else to romance and boff. 

I mean would could have worked with that...maybe gone to a sex therapist or a counselor familiar with the Madonna-whoore issue.

In any case, I think due to all these factors he will likely cheat again, and that is why I have been thinking more and more about moving head with a divorce. I can't go through this again.

At first I bought into his claim that all men cheat, but now I am starting to realize that it is not true. 

Even the stats show that only 40 to 50 percent of married people cheat.....many others never never do.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband was not physically unfaithful (that I know of) but we definitely had trouble reconnecting sexually. 

For me, it's a trust issue. As a woman, having sex means I am vulnerable to my partner, both physically and emotionally. Why would I want to be vulnerable to a man that I know for a fact can and will, _and has_, hurt me terribly? Why would I want to be vulnerable with a man who I know for a fact discussed our sexual relationship in quite derogatory terms with another woman? Why would I want to be vulnerable with a man who I know for a fact has no problem at all sharing intimate details about our sex life with his buddies in what can only be described as a very lurid and disrespectful manner? 

For my husband, sex just hasn't been the same because the emotional bond is pretty much gone. What used to be making love is now just sex, and it's lacked the intensity, passion, and sense of freedom he used to be able to expect from me as his wife. I'm also not the tall, blond, tanned, 25 year old, D-cup anorexic that he had his affair with. The reality of me doesn't compare to her all that favorably, in a physical sense. Of course, I've also never been involuntarily committed for psychiatric treatment by my parents, have never been convicted of a crime, don't have a long history of drug and alcohol addiction, have not managed to total five cars in 7 years, am gainfully employed, and am not prone to creating very public scenes. But, well, _she's_ got huge tits!


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## Marvel212 (May 7, 2012)

I have also found out once a cheater always a cheater. He hits you once he will hit you again. O they swear to change but darling the truth is they never will (not with out a heart change which takes more than most are willing to do) You cant change a Zebras stripes. Sure you can cover it with paint but the first big rain storm and they are back to their old ways!


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

Rowan said:


> My husband was not physically unfaithful (that I know of) but we definitely had trouble reconnecting sexually.
> 
> For me, it's a trust issue. As a woman, having sex means I am vulnerable to my partner, both physically and emotionally. Why would I want to be vulnerable to a man that I know for a fact can and will, _and has_, hurt me terribly? Why would I want to be vulnerable with a man who I know for a fact discussed our sexual relationship in quite derogatory terms with another woman? Why would I want to be vulnerable with a man who I know for a fact has no problem at all sharing intimate details about our sex life with his buddies in what can only be described as a very lurid and disrespectful manner?
> 
> For my husband, sex just hasn't been the same because the emotional bond is pretty much gone. What used to be making love is now just sex, and it's lacked the intensity, passion, and sense of freedom he used to be able to expect from me as his wife. I'm also not the tall, blond, tanned, 25 year old, D-cup anorexic that he had his affair with. The reality of me doesn't compare to her all that favorably, in a physical sense. Of course, I've also never been involuntarily committed for psychiatric treatment by my parents, have never been convicted of a crime, don't have a long history of drug and alcohol addiction, have not managed to total five cars in 7 years, am gainfully employed, and am not prone to creating very public scenes. But, well, _she's_ got huge tits!



well put.... My wife lost that connection with me too.. Sad.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I am going to comment on the different size, etc thing. I think if that was true then after each sexual relationship throughout our lives women would need to maintain or "upgrade" in the penis section to be happy, and for me personally that is not true.

I'm going to through this out there, my ex was more well endowed than my husband, does that mean it makes me want to have sex with my husband less? No. The size of the penis to me isn't the thing, my husband and I have worked hard on our sex life to get here, for years I felt like there was no emotion at all, my ex could treat me like a whoore and I would still feel loved. My husband can try to make soft gentle love to me and it just feels weird and awkward because he just doesn't know how to make me feel like that. He blames it on inexperience, I blame it on childhood issues with parents who didn't give a crap about their kids and never showed them how to love someone on that level. 

I think if there are intimacy issues after cheating then there are still emotional issues not being dealt with. I've also done a lot of reading on hysterical bonding, it seems like people who have a stronger emotional bond to their partner who cheated experience it, where as people who don't and are more apt to choice a divorce over R are more apt not too. It took my husband having a drunken ONS for him to realize how much I loved him, he could not understand why it hurt me so badly, because he never knew how much I loved him. We've had to work on love languages, and I've had to learn to speak his language better to help him understand. 

That's my take. Emotional deficiencies in the relationship.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Size doesn't matter to a cheating wife if she's down on her luck and comes crawling back to get off the street. However, given the number of guys my cheater rolled in the mud with, she sure as hell was looking for something that she wasn't trying to get at home.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I wouldn't need to worry about any of this because cheat on me one time and it is.............OVER.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

Firstly that has nothing to do with the OP's question. Secondly it's easy to say what you would do... but when you get there, it's not cut and dry. There are a million different situations and reasons. There are some cases that deserve a kick to the curb, there are some that don't. My personal case is a matter of my husband was an alcoholic. The problem with that is so many people can't realize it's a disease. Does it make what happened right? No. But that doesn't make it NOT a disease. My husband has not had a drink for over 7 weeks now since everything happened. Even when I was sitting here with a bottle of Everclear trying to drown my pain after a fight.

It takes a lot stronger person to say you screwed up, let's work it out because we fought to hard to get here to just throw it away, than to say screw this and walk away.

The problem with marriage anymore is no one takes it seriously, most people are too self centered to realize marriage is compromise, not me, me, me, what about me...


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Rowan said:


> Why would I want to be vulnerable with a man who I know for a fact discussed our sexual relationship in quite derogatory terms with another woman?


I understand your specific case, but I think in general the attitude that "if he talks about our sex life to anyone else I am through". Sometimes people are oblivious (intentionally or unintentionally) to their spouse's sexual needs and leave no choice but to speak to others outside of the marriage to get a few different perspectives and remain sane.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

I'm not sure what Rowan all posted here... but isn't that what most people here are doing in this section? Discussing parts of their sexual relationship outside of the relationship?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

for us, it was/is kinda little different.

i was very sick. we had sex way too soon. we didnt date.

we had a conversation about this a month ago, i said i think it was the first time we "put the marriage first".

we werent married yet, but had a baby, lived together and were commited again to being a couple.

i asked him, if we had waited to have sex, would we be sexless..he said, prob...cuz it just didnt seem like a "right" time.

somehow, we put the marriage first, we had sex, but it wasnt like bonding, it was like servicing...of sorts...

we are in a slightly different boat..he did really save my life, when i went to the hospital, they said i should have been dead, or in desperate need of a ventalator or other life support.

we didnt address to many issues. i was in the hospital until aug. i was still weak, and had a walker...

eventually time flew to thanksgiving...then we had a fire, and had to move in with my mom into her studio apt...she was sooo angry...

it caused my husband and i to bond together tighter, and fight off the world. so we still didnt work out to much of our issues.

so we are a little different with curmstances, it allowed us to have the sex and that slight connection, but it still took a toll on us, and we had a big talk about sex, and resentments.

if we had the resentment and trust first..waaay back when. thats the important talk to have. thats the important things to get out, weather or not sex is going on...

its sooo important to rebuild trust, and get the resentments out in the open, and fix them, or at least work on fixing them.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Rowan why would you stay with a man like that. Why would you let hop use you sexually? 

Why would you provide him with a convenient home? Why not let him go and see if he can find another 25 year old who is mentally heathy and cares and loves him like you. He should end up living his life out in the loneliness he deserves. 

This makes me want to cry.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Riven said:


> Firstly that has nothing to do with the OP's question. Secondly it's easy to say what you would do... but when you get there, it's not cut and dry. There are a million different situations and reasons. There are some cases that deserve a kick to the curb, there are some that don't. My personal case is a matter of my husband was an alcoholic. The problem with that is so many people can't realize it's a disease. Does it make what happened right? No. But that doesn't make it NOT a disease. My husband has not had a drink for over 7 weeks now since everything happened. Even when I was sitting here with a bottle of Everclear trying to drown my pain after a fight.
> 
> It takes a lot stronger person to say you screwed up, let's work it out because we fought to hard to get here to just throw it away, than to say screw this and walk away.
> 
> The problem with marriage anymore is no one takes it seriously, most people are too self centered to realize marriage is compromise, not me, me, me, what about me...


Have been there and still said _goodbye_ to my cheating ex-girlfriend the very next day.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DTO said:


> I understand your specific case, but I think in general the attitude that "if he talks about our sex life to anyone else I am through". Sometimes people are oblivious (intentionally or unintentionally) to their spouse's sexual needs and leave no choice but to speak to others outside of the marriage to get a few different perspectives and remain sane.





Riven said:


> I'm not sure what Rowan all posted here... but isn't that what most people here are doing in this section? Discussing parts of their sexual relationship outside of the relationship?


That is what most of the posters here are doing. And I fully support that as being a healthy thing overall. 

However, most of us don't know one another in real life. Telling a bunch of people on an internet forum about the things your wife does that you don't like or that don't work for you, is fundamentally (at least in my view) different from discussing those same topics with the young and pretty neighbor girl while she's sitting at your home having a beer with you while your wife is at work. 

There's a difference between telling a bunch of folks online that you feel like you're in a sexless marriage and searcing for help, and discussing the most intimate details of every sexual act you share with your spouse with someone who is a real-life, in person, rival for your attention and affection. It's even worse when you're flat out lying about certain aspects (frequency, variety, etc.) in order to make yourself out to be the innocent injured party. 

Talking about your sex life outside of your relationship isn't automatically a bad thing. Doing it in person with someone you'd like to f*ck and who you know would like to f*ck you, in a way that makes you seem sympathetic and your partner seem like a monster, is just a truly bad idea - unless your goal is an affair and/or a divorce.


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

Here's my take and realize I am a month from finding out about my W issues, unfortunately I was getting trickle truth and didn't find out everything until last weekend.
After the first info of the sexting, pics, and the one time she was with him that I found out about a month ago we were having a lot of sex starting a week or so after it was crazy and fun sort of like when we were first married. It bothered me then but well I have read its very common to jump into sex soon after and I was feeling a bit better.
However I found out about another affair 9 years ago she had with a neighbor( who was a pretty good friend), plus some sexting/pics with some other people that was going on during the most recent relationship with the OM.
Well right now the thought even touching her skeives me out, I have had too a couple of times but not happy about it. I can't even think about her taking off her clothes and I won't change in front of her.
I am sure most of this is because everything is so fresh, but I do have my doubts whether this will ever go away.


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