# Not sure how to feel . . .



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

A little backstory:
About 2 months ago my husband told me that an old girlfriend of his (his first girlfriend who he dated off and on for years and always had unresolved issues with) had contacted him again. They had talked on the phone a few times. He told me that he was afraid she was the one person that could turn his life upside down and he didn't want to lose what he had, so he knew he needed to tell her that he couldn't talk to her anymore. I was glad he told me and left it at that. 

About a month ago he had to go into work late because of some server issues. When he got home he was visibly upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he did the one thing that could ruin our marriage. He hadn't cut off contact, and that night she called while he was on his way home and asked if he wanted to stop by. So he did. And they had sex. 

I was glad he told me, but devastated that any of this happened. I've gone the rounds of emotions over and over. To this point, he has cried, sincerely apologized, cut of contact and been very open with me as far as being where he needs to be and doing what he says he'll do. We agreed that we want to try and make this work. 

My Issues Now: 
Our conversations have not been great. In some ways I think we tried to "fix" things too fast and too soon. I wanted to know more than maybe I was ready to know. A lot of our conversations have led to me being in tears and him feeling frustrated. Not real productive. 

This past week I have felt very apathetic to all of it. I didn't care if we worked or not. I didn't want to try anymore. I was feeling tired, hurt, angry and confused. And while things have been fine at home, I've felt like my husband has been a little distanced. So I brought it up last night. He's been feeling the same way I have- like in some ways he doesn't care. 

We actually had a really good conversation. We talked about some hard issues. We talked about what we would do if this didn't work out. We talked about WHY we were even willing to try. Basically, my husband said in not so many words that his biggest reasons for wanting to work things out was for our kids and not to lose what we have (we have a new home, a growing business, etc.). While those are all good reasons, it isn't settling well with me. 

I told him that I needed to be a major part of the equation, that I didn't want to just be a roommate to him, I didn't just want to coexist and coparent together. I wanted to be married- and to me that means spending my life with someone I love and someone that loves me in return. He told me that he loves me, but that things are definitely not as good in our relationship as they used to be (I agree) and he's worried we can't get that back. But that he could be content living his life with me and not regret staying. Content isn't what I'm willing to settle for. I want it all. 

I know that by us splitting up, we lose everything- we most likely lose our house (because neither one of us can make the payment on our own), our credit scores would suffer, we would both probably have to move back in with our parents, financially both of us would struggle, our kids would suffer, either one of us would give up being a part of our business or we would have to somehow have just a working relationship. But I feel like we CAN have it all- we don't have to split up, we can keep our home, our kids with us, our business in tact, etc, etc. AND we can have what we want out of our marriage. We CAN be madly in love again, but it won't be easy. And some days I'm so afraid he'll give up and not want to work for that. Or he'll do just enough that it makes things better, but not great. 

I feel stupid sometimes because I feel like I love him more than he loves me. I feel like I want this to work more. And I'm the one that was cheated on! It makes me furious sometimes. He's doing everything "right". He's trying to make his life transparent to me, he's talking, he's helping with the kids more, he's doing things around the house more, he wants us and our life, but am I being selfish for wanting him to want me as much as I want him? Why do I still even want him after he hurt me? 

Why doesn't he want me as much? What's wrong with me that he doesn't want me? I'm smart, I'm talented, I'm a good wife, I keep a good house, I'm a good mom, we have a good sex life, I contribute financially to our lives, I keep our finances in order. I'm a good person, so why do I feel like it's not enough? 

I don't want my life to go back to what it was before. I want us to be better. If we go back to what it was before, then what keeps something like this from happening again? I want us to improve and change, grow and become closer. I want to be able to trust him again and not hurt. But I also don't want to stay just for our kids and our stuff. I don't want a marriage that is more like friends with benefits. 

I don't know the purpose of even writing all this. I guess I just need to vent as I have so many crazy emotions and feelings still happening. I'm just trying to take it all one day at a time and have hope that somehow we can get through this and turn out better in the end.


----------



## SEH (Mar 2, 2009)

I am glad to hear that you have forgiven you husband and both want to make your marriage work. He was very honest and open about it. At this point I would say that counseling can help you understand your emotions and feelings and improve your relationship, in the end making your marriage stronger. Infidelity is not an easy matter and it takes time and patience to overcome it. Although this article, Resolving Marriage Conflict by Focusing on Solutions, it is not centered on infidelity, it has some good points that could be useful in my opinion. In the meantime I will pray for you and your family. I hope things get better for you.


----------



## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Maybe that's part of the problem, I haven't forgiven him yet. I guess in some ways I'm not to that point. I keep trying and I do want to work on our marriage, but I am still so hurt and angry. He doesn't want to go to counseling. He has done what I ask as far as letting me know where he is, what he's doing, if he's going to be late, etc., but seemed to think that I was treating him "childish" by asking him to do those things. I reminded him that I didn't ever ask for those things until he told me he was going one place and ended up in the arms of another woman. 

He is very selfish. He even says so himself. He tends to think of himself first and the rest of us after. I think he has tried to work on this, but easily says that he likes himself the way he is and doesn't really want to change much about himself. I feel like he's doing things that are textbook "right", but doing them minimally. Almost like he's doing just enough to keep us together, keep our home, our business, not lose the kids, etc. but not putting forth any great effort to make things right. I feel like I'm the one working to strengthen & work on our marriage, yet I'm not the one who cheated or betrayed our marriage! 

Maybe it's my issue. I don't know. I just feel continually frustrated by all of this. I hate that before any of this happened neither of us even thought of leaving the other (at least that's what he's told me) and now I feel like we both think of it all the time because it is one of the realities that we face. 

I'm just frustrated, tired and confused. I want my life back.


----------



## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

if he wont do counseling then you need to go for just you start helping you, and figure the rest out later. Get in your right mind and then and only then make your move what ever that may be. Stay and be happy or move on and be happy.

No matter what we will always be here.


----------

