# how to change my anger from lack of sex



## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

hi everyone,

I hope you have some good advice for me, BTW im Dutch so excuse my spelling

My wife and i have been together for 7 years now. And our sexual life is been getting a bit in trouble... 

We have sex maybe once a week. This is to little for me. But my wife rarely ever initiates sex. Se Always waits for me to do something. So sometimes we dont have seks for about 2 weeks. 

When we do have sex its good. She always orgasms and we both enjoy it. 

But sometimes i get tired of initiating sex.. So i get angry of her not initiating sex and i freeze up. I stop talking to her,, ignore here and act like a child. I hate myself for doing that but i cant help my self. o dont talk about the problem because when i do she always gets angry that i sex is always my problem.

I feel a lot of resentment at that moment and i cant get out if it. Deep inside i know that my behavoir i wrong but i dont know how i can change it.. Part of me want to be angry and want to let here know that i'm so angry. But the other part of me knows that will only makes things worse..

What can i do to break this cycle,,,,,? How can i accept the fact that she rarely inititiates and deal with my anger.

Thanks ! 

Axler


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, yes, if your wife is unwilling to change it seems the only other solution is to stop expecting sex at all from her. Then when it happens you will be pleasantly surprised.

However, I can tell you from experience that this wont stop the anger from resurfacing every so often.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Anger is normal in this situation. You need to use your anger in a mature way, and let it push you into making change happen.


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

but what do u need to to with my anger? Its hard to let go and when it happens i leeds to more days without sex,, 

So i dig my own grave sort of? it creates a distance and its just like my wife wont see it,, and when we are distant we dont have sex...


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

You can't let go of it. There is always a smoldering anger and a bruised ego from being rejected by your wife and feeling trapped in a marriage with too little or no intimacy. Some things will temporarily make you feel better such as working out, going out with friends, focusing on work, etc but at the end of the day nothing can replace the hole left by an unfulfilled sexual need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

jd08 said:


> You can't let go of it. There is always a smoldering anger and a bruised ego from being rejected by your wife and feeling trapped in a marriage with too little or no intimacy. Some things will temporarily make you feel better such as working out, going out with friends, focusing on work, etc but at the end of the day nothing can replace the hole left by an unfulfilled sexual need.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know but there must be something i can do,,instead of leaving my wife. I know im not perfect
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

I know EXACTLY how you feel my friend...

Here are some random thoughts:

Ask her what she thinks you should do with this sexual energy you have... after all, she is the only person who can help with this. 

You cannot change her, you can only change yourself.

Make SURE she is getting what she needs in the relationship. 

Don't say "you" or "me".... say "we" when it comes to marital things.

When talking about fault... admit to your own, and state what you want to change about yourself.

Be prepared to hear things you don't want to hear.

Provide plenty of non-sexual affection with no expectation of sex.


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

Accipiter777 said:


> I know EXACTLY how you feel my friend...
> 
> Here are some random thoughts:
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice! But what to do when i want sex? I sometimes freeze because i dont want to initiate,, and that is mostly the Time i distan from here and trouble start. It's hard not to expect anything and hard to stay strong when she does nothing.. And hard to always be the person to start,,,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you over weight?
In shape?
Smoke?
Do you act self confident and decisive?
Do you listen to her talk about her concerns, interests, etc.
The fact that you do have good sex is surely positive in comparison with many sexless marriages.

Does your wife love you?
Has she always been this way?


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Are you over weight?
> In shape?
> Smoke?
> Do you act self confident and decisive?
> ...


Im in good shape. I work out 5 times a week. I maybe need to be more close to here,,try to connect more. That tends to help. 

I know she does love me, she just isnt very active in starting sex. 

We have a son of 2, and it took here 3 years to get pregnant. That really didn,t help our sexlife. And after that the sex was just not the same anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

After trying everything to improve our sex life, and dealing with the anger and frustration over many, many years, I finally found a way to eliminate my anger completely and be happy. Divorce.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think you just have to have a long talk with her, away from any distractions. As wives we don't understand the deep need and release our husbands crave. She probably is one of these women. She may not even know you want her to initiate. As women our feelings have to put us in the mood for sex. Could she be holding any resentment towards you? Does she like to have control?

You just have to honest tell her how rejected and hurt you are. We women have to learn about our husbands sexuality. No one taught us. For some women it's a longer road than others.

I just had a thought could you guys have "sex nights" Maybe suggest to her that she initiate a way to do it, she gets to choose candles, music on so and so day of the week and you choose the other. That might get her thinking about sex more.

Good Luck and know you are not alone, I feel for men in this situation


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes, very similar situation for me. Well I stopped expecting her to initiate. Instead we adopted a set schedule where neither is really initiating we just have sex every Sunday usually just before lunch or if we have some other commitment than as early evening as possible. This leaves me free during the week to not care whether she wants sex. Occasionally if she looks like she is not tired and in a good mood I might ask on a Wednesday. But I do not really like the waiting around wondering if she will be in the mood.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Well I crashed and burned my marriage over sex and resentment, so perhaps my suggestions will help, they only come from reflection on my own situation...
You sound like a good guy who loves his wife and want to deal with this appropriately. The fact you still have weekly sex you both enjoy is a good sign I'd think. Some ideas:

1) Talk to her, not with anger, but explain clearly to her that it's not just a purely physical urge but helps you to feel close to her and bonded, that is WHY you want more sex. LISTEN to her response without interrupting or pushing your side. She might even offer solutions. It could be she craves more intimacy too, just not with her angry husband.

2) After your talk, consider taking some pressure off her some nights by masturbating privately so you have your physical release, then focus your energy on cuddling with her and showing affection. If she knows you are not just cuddling to obtain sex she may be more affectionate in general - leading to sex. Win-win.

3) Compliment her, tell her she is beautiful, romance her. Not just to obtain sex - she will sense this. She maybe needs to feel that it is HER you desire so ardently, not just regular nookie. 

4) Choose your times to initiate. I don't know how many wives could resist being cuddled, kissed and caressed erotically as they are curled up next to their man drifting off to sleep. Take lazy time, don't push it through as foreplay, just make it an open invitation. If she's not keep, rub one out after she's asleep - she had the chance.

5) Try and mix it up a bit to lift her desire. If she wasn't always like this it may be that she's in mommy-mode and sees sex now as for reproduction or occasional satisfaction. She's probably pretty tired and breaking the routine might help - arrange a baby sitter, go out for dinner and rave about how beautiful she is dressed up and how you love spending some real time with her. Start making out in the car just because you can. Court your wife.

6) Read the 5 love languages with her - you may be both speaking different languages and can find a way through this. Resentment has to be the number 1 libido killer. 

7) Make sure you are not mis-reading her cues. It may be that she's sometimes in the mood but you are missing the chance because you are angry and not seeing it. Sometimes its not as blatant as grabbing your genitals wearing a suspender belt and stockings.

I often read on this site where people have these problems. I think every relationship must have them from observation. I really wish I'd done differently in my marriage. High Drive, Low Drive etc. I'm not sure I buy it that many spouses who started with high drive in a relationship simply morph into low drive after a few years in marriage, unless it's a genuine bait and switch, which is probably quite rare. I prefer to think the best of people, and it's likely more productive to put work into the marriage before making bad judgements and/or writing it off. I theorise sexual issues usually show something about the dynamic between the couple and can be restored with the right approach. I hope so, anyway!

Best of luck! I hope you can find a way through this together without your anger becoming destructive to the relationship. Take a kickboxing class or something so you get your anger out before coming home and quietly seething at her. You're dead right - it's more harmful than helpful to your sex life to feel angry all the time and she'll sense it, driving the wedge in further. She is a lucky woman that you found this site, it's great advice you get here usually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

As long as you both end up where you want to be, does it matter who plays navigator and who plays captain? Frustration comes from expecting "Y" but getting "X". If you could learn to expect "X" and be happy with it, your problem is solved. You are who you are and your wife is who she is. You both could modify a little but neither of you are likely to change your personalities. Maybe she's not 100% your idea of the dream woman, but if she's 75%, that's a win. No woman on earth is going to completely match your vision of the perfect wife and if one did, you probably would find you didn't like her. It's fine to not get what you want all the time. If you're getting what you need, you're ahead of most folks.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I could have written this post. We have been married for over 41 years (she was pregnant when we got married at 16 & 17). It bothered me for years. The thing is, she would rarely refuse sex when I initiated and she would usually have great orgasms. She just seemed ho-hum about it until we got started.

Then I found several articles regarding responsive verses spontaneous desire. Do a web search and you will find many articles on the subject. A woman with responsive desire just does not have sex on the mind like someone with spontaneous desire (like us). But once they get started, the libido kicks in. My wife knows that about herself so, although she may begin out of "duty" she will continue out of desire.

So I stopped letting this bother me. It is how she is wired. I don't ask, I just go for it. If she is not feeling well and says, "not tonight," I don't pout like I used to. I just say, "ok how about tomorrow?" There are also times that she will give me a hand job instead.

Hope this helps!


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I agree with Unbelievable and Romantic guy.

My wife rarely initiates but is ready to go almost every time I suggest it or initiate. Works for me. 

Out of curiosity, I asked her why she doesn't initiate and her response was that she just doesn't have sex on the brain like I do. She has a million other things on her mind. So do I, but I also have sex on my mind...After thinking about it for a while, I accepted that. It's just the way she is wired. So be it...As long as I'm not being constantly rejected I don't care.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

I'm in the same boat as the OP.
Things improved for a while, but have reverted to prior ways (sex once every three or four weeks). I carry this anger and resentment in me and I've become very cold and unemotional. The logical part of me knows I'm making things worse, but I just can't get past it.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

axler said:


> hi everyone,
> 
> I feel a lot of resentment at that moment and i cant get out if it. Deep inside i know that my behavoir i wrong but i dont know how i can change it.. Part of me want to be angry and want to let here know that i'm so angry. But the other part of me knows that will only makes things worse..
> 
> ...



I am in the same situation. You can only change your reaction to the situation. You have to let go of your resentment or nothing will change.

After I let go of the resentment and stopped hounding him, he started initiating. I find myself falling into my old ways on occasion, but it is improving.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Some good thoughts here; remember that pouting and stomping like a toddler maker you about as unsexy as you can get. Tantrums don't make you look like a man.....start by talking to your wife when you're not upset to see if you can negotiate a compromise. Perhaps she can give you some extra oral, or maybe like others have said you can initiate a little more if she's receptive. But the best way to kill any desire she has for you is to keep throwing tantrums.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserName1 (Oct 22, 2013)

Sorry to sound insensitive, but you have a young child at home and you're getting it once a week and still complaining? Count your many blessings and get over it. You could be like me and get it a few times a year


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

Hello guys and girls, 

Thanks a lot for all of you’re reply’s,,!! This really means a lot to me..! I learned a lot just be reading it. 

I do really love my wife and i want to make it better and change my behavior. I just have to realize and accept that its okay to initiate more then my wife… When we do have sex, its always good and she always orgasms.. She is just not wired to sex like i do. And i do have to learn to be more attentive in others ways. Court here like @gumtree explains is propably a good tip for me  

Sometimes i make it bigger in my head then it really is… Its just hard,, when the sex is low i just feel unwanted and when the resentment kicks in i’m lost,,, Then i really have to give it all i got to change my behavior. Its just like the angerbeast takes over control. I cant think rational when that happens..

Basically a lot of homework form me 

Thanks a lot ! 

Greetings Axler


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

axler said:


> Hello guys and girls,
> 
> Thanks a lot for all of you’re reply’s,,!! This really means a lot to me..! I learned a lot just be reading it.
> 
> ...


you see what you just did? you found a way to focus on a solution to your problem. 

when you start thinking about how to solve the problem, and have enough guidance to help you along, the anger goes away.
the anger goes away because the frustration goes away.

its not an unsolvable problem anymore. 

two books i would recommend for you are "his needs, her needs"
His Needs, Her Needs

read it with your wife. it will help you understand her needs, and will help her understand your needs.

the other is "married man sex life primer"
http://marriedmansexlife.com/

i would read the first with your wife, work on it, and then the second.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

axler said:


> but what do u need to to with my anger? Its hard to let go and when it happens i leeds to more days without sex,,
> 
> So i dig my own grave sort of? it creates a distance and its just like my wife wont see it,, and when we are distant we dont have sex...


or knows exactly what she's doing


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

romantic_guy said:


> I could have written this post. We have been married for over 41 years (she was pregnant when we got married at 16 & 17). It bothered me for years. The thing is, she would rarely refuse sex when I initiated and she would usually have great orgasms. She just seemed ho-hum about it until we got started.
> 
> Then I found several articles regarding responsive verses spontaneous desire. Do a web search and you will find many articles on the subject. A woman with responsive desire just does not have sex on the mind like someone with spontaneous desire (like us). But once they get started, the libido kicks in. My wife knows that about herself so, although she may begin out of "duty" she will continue out of desire.
> 
> ...


Good post. mature viewpoint. I also struggle with this but will try to see this in a new way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anger is the last level of communication before communication stops. As long as there is communication and you two can voice your concerns then communication happens and the more of it the better.

Think how you can improve talking to each other. Work on the things you have in common and get to be comfortable around each other again. Don't let the lack of intimacy get to you. But keep some metrics about what you do and whether it worked or not - trends don't lie.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP does she only not initiate or does she reject you often when you initiate? The latter is far worse...

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Axler - you and your wife have GOT to deal with this and reach a happy compromise NOW.
If you don't you will, over time, become more bitter and more resentful towards her and you will fiond yourself posting on here in 10 years time saying that you are in a sexless marriage and only stay for the sake of your child,


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

axler said:


> But sometimes i get tired of initiating sex.. So i get angry of her not initiating sex and i freeze up. I stop talking to her,, ignore here and act like a child. I hate myself for doing that but i cant help my self. o dont talk about the problem because when i do she always gets angry that i sex is always my problem.
> 
> I feel a lot of resentment at that moment and i cant get out if it. Deep inside i know that my behavoir i wrong but i dont know how i can change it.. Part of me want to be angry and want to let here know that i'm so angry. But the other part of me knows that will only makes things worse..
> 
> ...


I think your anger is a turn-off for your wife. I know that if my husband stopped talking to me, ignored me and behaved like a child when he didn't get what he wanted I wouldn't want to have sex with him. You need act like an adult when you don't get your way. She's not going to be interested in talking to you if you are disrespecting her. You need to find another outlet for your anger instead of taking it out on her. I think you are pushing her further and further away from you with your actions.

Sorry to be so blunt but that is how I see a part of your issue. You can wine and dine and romance her all you want but it's not going to work unless you start acting like a man, not a child.


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

"Women have responsive sex drives. It takes a catalyst to make them want sex. Men have spontaneous sex drives. We're always ready to go and sometimes our need is so great that we can barely resist and must initiate. This is as nature intended".


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

axler said:


> Im in good shape. I work out 5 times a week. I maybe need to be more close to here,,try to connect more. That tends to help.
> 
> I know she does love me, she just isnt very active in starting sex.
> 
> We have a son of 2, and it took here 3 years to get pregnant. That really didn,t help our sexlife. And after that the sex was just not the same anymore.


Ok then. I am going to assume that your wife knows you're upset about your sex life. If you've had outbursts before, it would be hard to not know you were unhappy about it.

So, you need to be frank and connect the dots. "Our sex life is unsatisfactory for me - I think you know that. A handful of encounters per month - always at my request - does not meet my legitimate need. I feel as if this marriage is heavily slanted towards meeting your intimate sensibilities over mine, and I get resentful. I will work on addressing my unhappiness in a more mature manner, but you need to understand that 'stuffing' my sexual need and simply accepting an inadequate sex life is not something I see happening".

Then based on what you said in the quote: "I can't help but notice a connection between trying to conceive our child and our sex problems. While I acknowledge that sex for procreation and connection between us is important, sex for my emotional and physical satisfaction is equally important and needs to be restored to this relationship."

Of course, MC may help if you both are willing to go.

Understand that there are no guarantees. You might find that having a direct talk with a commitment from you to fix the way you express your anger is all she needs to do better. On the other hand, you might find she doesn't see recreational sex as a priority, it was fun while it lasted, but she other priorities and doesn't intend to devote much energy to your sexual needs.

Good luck.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Yes said:


> I think your anger is a turn-off for your wife. I know that if my husband stopped talking to me, ignored me and behaved like a child when he didn't get what he wanted I wouldn't want to have sex with him. You need act like an adult when you don't get your way. She's not going to be interested in talking to you if you are disrespecting her. You need to find another outlet for your anger instead of taking it out on her. I think you are pushing her further and further away from you with your actions.
> 
> Sorry to be so blunt but that is how I see a part of your issue. You can wine and dine and romance her all you want but it's not going to work unless you start acting like a man, not a child.


Agree with what you're saying. However, I would not make this an issue of him disrespecting her. I'll point out that her knowing his sexual need and ignoring it to the extent that it boils over into outbursts is equally disrespectful on her part.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

T&T said:


> ... and her response was that she just doesn't have sex on the brain like I do. She has a million other things on her mind.


I'm sorry, but my response to this rationale is "so what". I was checking out my smart phone (ordinary Android) after the most recent software update. I noticed a person can enter literally dozens of separate alarm entries, each labeled and setable to repeat on any days one so chooses. It also has a calendar.

So, one the one hand she has an activity which she knows she should be doing but can't seem to remember. On the other hand, she has a device tailor-made to organize your life and keep you on track. What to do - what to do...


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

Yes said:


> I think your anger is a turn-off for your wife. I know that if my husband stopped talking to me, ignored me and behaved like a child when he didn't get what he wanted I wouldn't want to have sex with him. You need act like an adult when you don't get your way. She's not going to be interested in talking to you if you are disrespecting her. You need to find another outlet for your anger instead of taking it out on her. I think you are pushing her further and further away from you with your actions.
> 
> Sorry to be so blunt but that is how I see a part of your issue. You can wine and dine and romance her all you want but it's not going to work unless you start acting like a man, not a child.


This is right on the money, i dig my own grave. Thank you for pointing it out to me. I try to look at it from here perspective... When she is angry i also dont find here attractive.. Its hard but i have to mirror my behavior to myself. 

Its like a cycle, when i get angry we don't have sex and then we distant even more. And when i initiate we do have sex. 

And what i do think is import for me is to release to tension so now and then when we don't have sex. I found that i can't think straigt when i'm sexual frustrated. So when i feel really sexually frustrated i masturbate. This helps me to get calmer and release the tension and anger. 


Its also import for me to be more mature about not having sex. I make it a big of a deal sometimes. I have to act like a grow-up ;-) Be a man about it and not a child... 

Lots of hard work....


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## axler (Dec 14, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> you see what you just did? you found a way to focus on a solution to your problem.
> 
> when you start thinking about how to solve the problem, and have enough guidance to help you along, the anger goes away.
> the anger goes away because the frustration goes away.
> ...


Thanks for you're reply! 

I just read the second book . I already had it. Great book. especialy about the part that women are more responsive then starters concering sex. And that it's so import to take charge and be a man.. 

Im going to look at the first book now! 

Thanks! 
Axler


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