# Same old story



## Drudge01 (Mar 20, 2018)

Hello
This is my first post here. I've been reading here for some time but I finally decided to register. My story is no different that what I've read here numerous times and I don't think there are any new answers that can be given to the problem. So why the post? I guess getting it of your chest can be good sometimes.
So my wife and I have been together for 15 years. Ever since our early 20's. We have 2 young children. All in all we have a good marriage. We are on the same level, think the same about rasing our kids etc. So everything is going well, except for the sex department. She just isn't into it and rarely initiates. It has been like that since pretty much the begining of our relationship but I never really paid much attention to it when I look back now. I just thought it would get better when we were older and just let steam of myself. Well obviously things didn't get better and I really start to worry about it. I see women in movies, tv series being playfull with their husband, being sexy, being naughty... And she never is like that. For her it's once a month, in bed, in the traditional way. She once told me that she doesn't orgasme very often because she's afraid to met herself go.
Now just to get things straight I don't blame her or anything. I don't really initiate things either which probably isn't the right way of doing things. Thing is I just would like for our relationship to be a little more spontaneous, a little more naughty. Not to live like brother and sister so to say. But I wouldn't want to loose her cause she's a very nice person and a great mother to our children.


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Hi,

Could you provide a little more information please? Just so I understand, there was very little sex in the beginning before you two were married? In other words, there was lack of sex right out of the gate? :scratchhead:


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I am really sorry for you. I finally got out and couldn't be happier. Best decision ever. Take a look at my thread if you want, but ya, same old story for so many men. Sexless marriage = Hell and it's not going to get better. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/378298-getting-ready-drop-news.html


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Drudge01 said:


> Hello
> This is my first post here. I've been reading here for some time but I finally decided to register. My story is no different that what I've read here numerous times and I don't think there are any new answers that can be given to the problem. So why the post? I guess getting it of your chest can be good sometimes.
> So my wife and I have been together for 15 years. Ever since our early 20's. We have 2 young children. All in all we have a good marriage. We are on the same level, think the same about rasing our kids etc. So everything is going well, except for the sex department. She just isn't into it and rarely initiates. It has been like that since pretty much the begining of our relationship but I never really paid much attention to it when I look back now. I just thought it would get better when we were older and just let steam of myself. Well obviously things didn't get better and I really start to worry about it. I see women in movies, tv series being playfull with their husband, being sexy, being naughty... And she never is like that. For her it's once a month, in bed, in the traditional way. She once told me that she doesn't orgasme very often because she's afraid to met herself go.
> Now just to get things straight I don't blame her or anything. I don't really initiate things either which probably isn't the right way of doing things. Thing is I just would like for our relationship to be a little more spontaneous, a little more naughty. Not to live like brother and sister so to say. But I wouldn't want to loose her cause she's a very nice person and a great mother to our children.


My god we could be married to the same women, you have just described my wife.
Sadly I can't offer you no advice as I am also in the same position.


Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

Cromer said:


> I am really sorry for you. I finally got out and couldn't be happier. Best decision ever. Take a look at my thread if you want, but ya, same old story for so many men. Sexless marriage = Hell. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/378298-getting-ready-drop-news.html


Yes, I agree with Cromer. However, if there was lack of sex right out of the gate and you didn't think twice about it, well that's not a good sign either.

It's kind of like buying a brand new car that doesn't run right. Yeah, it looks all shiny and everything, but it's really a lemon in disguise.

Lastly, I feel really bad for you because it's going to be tough to get out with kids....

Best of luck to you.....


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## Drudge01 (Mar 20, 2018)

I don't see myself leaving her. I don't think that is an option.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Drudge01 said:


> I don't see myself leaving her. I don't think that is an option.


I felt exactly the same. Then year 30 hit, the last was leaving the house, and I hadn't had sex in over ten years. I finally did something for me and GTFO. You are only half-way there and still getting some on occasion. Make no mistake, it was costly, hard decision but now? I had more sex last week than I had during the past 11 years of my marriage, and it wasn't just sex, it was sex with a woman I am really, really into and it was amazing.

I am sorry for you. She is not going to change. So if you are going to stay, you have to learn to live with it. Been there.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I don’t see why people get hung up on who initiates. If she refuses you that’s a different thing. Do you ever try anything new? Men are just naturally more aggressive in most cases. Women like to be treated with respect but also like to be demure. 

You don’t know if she is having an orgasam or not? How does she orgasam? If you got together young the leader of the two of you has to teach the other.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Drudge01 said:


> I don't see myself leaving her. I don't think that is an option.


Ironically, your sense of loyalty and honor is partially what got you in this mess. Time to take it back to the dating days. Put it in simple terms: Know of any guys who get laid regularly? Do what they do. 

Your predicament is the norm for most married men. It doesn't have to be. Not by a long shot.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I don’t think you leaving her is an option, either. 

From my read of your post you’re both Low Desire people, and you just happen to be noticing now. 

For starters don’t compare yourself to movies and television. All that is written by a bunch of weirdos and acted by a bunch of weirdos. The marriage success of those people is not something to strive to emulate.

So the stories they make up are just that, made up. You don’t see reality in movies or television. Do you really want your life to be like the real life of the producer or directors or actors? What they portray is no more real than the garbage they live.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, you married your wife knowing she wasn't highly sexual, but were hoping she'd magically change someday? And now you're upset that your wife is exactly who you knew she was before you married her? :scratchhead:

Also, you say you don't really initiate much either, yet you seem to be waiting for your wife to do it for you. It rather sounds like you want her to lead your sex life. Expecting your low-drive wife to lead your sex life is going to be a losing proposition, I'm afraid. It also sounds like you really aren't that high-drive either, though, if you're waiting on her to initiate. How often do you initiate and get turned down? Did you used to initiate more often and have just given up, or have you pretty much always waited for her to initiate?


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## Drudge01 (Mar 20, 2018)

I'm not a low-drive person. Quite the opposite.
And I don't know if she is.
She had a pretty Christian upbringing and I think coming from that she looks at sex as something 'dirty'.

Edit: in my previous relationship (when granted the teen hormones were still flying) I had a very active sexual relationship with a women who was really into sex and almost took initiative.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Drudge01 said:


> I'm not a low-drive person. Quite the opposite.
> And I don't know if she is.
> She had a pretty Christian upbringing and I think coming from that she looks at sex as something 'dirty'.


Was it dirty in the beginning of your relationship?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

In some cases it may be taken as a sign of enthusiasm. A lot depends on how she response when he initiates. If she is excited and passionate it can be fine. If she responds, "well, OK I guess, but you need to finish by 6:30 because I want to watch another re-run of "housewives", then not so much.....





Chaparral said:


> I don’t see why people get hung up on who initiates. If she refuses you that’s a different thing. Do you ever try anything new? Men are just naturally more aggressive in most cases. Women like to be treated with respect but also like to be demure.
> 
> You don’t know if she is having an orgasam or not? How does she orgasam? If you got together young the leader of the two of you has to teach the other.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Drudge01 said:


> I'm not a low-drive person. Quite the opposite.
> And I don't know if she is.
> She had a pretty Christian upbringing and I think coming from that she looks at sex as something 'dirty'.
> 
> Edit: in my previous relationship (when granted the teen hormones were still flying) I had a very active sexual relationship with a women who was really into sex and almost took initiative.


https://forgivenwife.com


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## Drudge01 (Mar 20, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Was it dirty in the beginning of your relationship?


No


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## Drudge01 (Mar 20, 2018)

She isn't really that religious nowadays but her parents are very much and she was brought up that way. So maybe I has something to do with it but I don't know.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

After years of marriage, don’t make the mistake of now comparing her to some previous girlfriends you broke up with.

You married this woman knowing she was Low Desire, and you weren’t concerned about it then. You say you don’t initiate much. You start talking about previous relationships where the woman did initiate.

You need to objectively consider yourself. Your wife is as she is. You’ve been fine with that for years.

Maybe you need to wonder why you are feeling discontent now. 

I don’t think you’re High Desire at all. You were content in a situation, for years, that would have driven me over the edge in a week. 

I suspect something else is tweaking your interest. Be mindful.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Drudge01 said:


> I'm not a low-drive person. Quite the opposite.
> And I don't know if she is.
> She had a pretty Christian upbringing and I think coming from that she looks at sex as something 'dirty'.
> 
> Edit: in my previous relationship (when granted the teen hormones were still flying) I had a very active sexual relationship with a women who was really into sex and almost took initiative.


Once a month? Sounds like her sex drive is totally hormonally driven. This has nothing to do with Christian upbringing. It's all about which chemicals are flowing through her body. and since its hormonal, the usual way will do. For the once-a-monthers, it's not about fun and games, it's about satisfying the biological imperative. Is she at least somewhat enthusiastic once a month or is it starfish sex? That will tell you if she's hormonally driven or just extremely LD. 

As for not letting go, my wife told me at one point that it took her a long time for her to completely let herself go with me. If I was reading her responses correctly, i'd put her really getting into it at about the 12 year mark. When she told me that, I wanted to scream "If you couldn't totally let go with me, why the **** did you agree to marry me!" But that would have been counterproductive and I settled on better late than never. But don't interpret this as me telling you just be patient, she'll get there. That's a very high risk approach.

Getting it all off your chest may have some limited benefit, but trust me, it's temporary. Frustration, anger, and resentment always return. In the absence of willingness to leave, you've got a rough road ahead. I wish you luck and peace as you move forward.


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## Drudge01 (Mar 20, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> I suspect something else is tweaking your interest. Be mindful.


Not really. I'm not interested in another women or so, if that is what you mean.
And I wasn't content in the situation for years. This has been brought up before.


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