# My husband has a problem with orgasms



## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

This has been going on for a while, maybe 3 years or so. My husband is totally interested and is very affectionate but sometimes when we have sex he can't orgasm. This happens mostly at night but sometimes during the day. He apologizes and claims that he doesn't know what is wrong with him. That it's not me. I'm very secure in our marriage except for that part. Doesn't every guy orgasm during sex? Oh, and he is in his mid 30s so age shouldn't be a problem. Any experiences with this? Is this normal?


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Well I like it best when my wife has the big "O" w/ me, when that doesn't happen I get turned off. There have been other times when stress will prevent me from cumming. I go thru spells when I can't get enough and then there are times when I'm just not in the mood. There have been several times this year when I haven't been able to cum but it's not anything to worry about, at least for me. 
Mouse


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It may be fatigue. Does he get enough rest? What kind of schedule does he work?
I know-I work a 24/6 on call schedule, the W and I don't get a whole heck of a lot of time to be intimate, and I have to be very rested to cum. If I had a particularly intense work-week (sometimes, 72+ hours), all bets are off.


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Unfortunately rest isn't a problem. 9 times out of 10 I orgasm. He just said that guys sometimes don't orgasm all the time. Is this true? Should we seek medical help? Its not for lack of trying bc he will go and go and go until finally he admits that he cant orgasm.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Opiate pain meds can make a guy go and go and go, but he is not feeling it enough to have an orgasm. Same happens to women.


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Opiate pain meds? No, he isn't on those either. Is he just weird?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sometimes I either can't come or it takes me a very long time. I don't think that it's anything to worry about. Some guys complain about premature ejaculation and some of us take a while to get there. As long as you are both happy, don't worry about it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Can't orgasm or can't ejaculate? They two distinctly different biological things.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

zoku32 said:


> Doesn't every guy orgasm during sex? Oh, and he is in his mid 30s so age shouldn't be a problem. Any experiences with this? Is this normal?


Worst thing you can do? Put YOUR focus on his orgasm. All that will do is put more pressure on him to perform ... which he won't be able to do because of the expectation. 

No, every guy does not orgasm during sex. Some guys struggle with premature ejaculation ... others have the opposite issue.

I do find it interesting that for all of the women that will reassure their male partners that "it isn't them ..." when they can't have an orgasm, if the shoe is on the other foot, women wonder "What's wrong with him?" and _they_ feel insecure.

Gives you just a hint of insight as to how much we in general worry about performance and acceptance.

Enjoy the ride, don't sweat the destination. Yep, I have the same issue. Certainly doesn't mean that I don't want sex.

Have had girlfriends that were amused when the event would go beyond the 5 minute mark, and eventually be horrified and self-conscious when we'd hit 30 minutes. For a very long time, I didn't know better. I didn't know that 'normal' was under 5 minutes. I thought everybody had sex for hours.

In my case, much like a large percentage of the female population ... intercourse is one of the least likely methods through which I will achieve an orgasm.

Go with what works. Don't sweat what doesn't. Trust me, he's still having a good time ... or at least he should be telling you if he isn't.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Is he on any medications? My dh had trouble with sex taking this one particular antihistamine (zrytec I think). It totally dried him up evidently too well.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

It doesn't matter. It is only an orgasm. Enjoy the journey not the destination!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

HelloooNurse said:


> It doesn't matter. It is only an orgasm. Enjoy the journey not the destination!



:iagree::iagree::iagree:

My husband has this problem. And because of menopause I have my own orgasm issues. We are currently seeing a sex therapist and her first advice to us was stop worrying about orgasms. We were to focus on the journey and the pleasure. This was hard for me as the "O" is sooo good. lol However we have both found the less we focus on the the O's and the more we enjoy the pleasure and the journey, the more easily the orgasms come (for both of us). There are still times where one, or both of us does not reach orgasms, but we are learning that the journey is most pleasurable in and of itself. 

Relax - the brain is the biggest sex organ. When we stress about parts of our sex life - it only makes things much worse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm... I was just watching a TV show last night about something related... Is your husband circumsized?

C


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

No, he isn't on any meds and yes, he is circumsiced. 

Thanks for all the positive comments. I really needed to hear that. I just hope this isn't leading to a life of bad sex. I'm more of a 5-10 minuter and he is more of a 30 minuter or more. My body can't handle all that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

zoku32... You can do some research on "foreskin restoration". The TV show dealt with lowered sensitivity over time by guys that had been circumcised. I have no idea if that's right or not, but there you go...

And you two don't use condoms, do you? You could also try stimulating him through oral or manual sex till he's close to orgasm, then regular intercourse.

C


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Nope, no condoms. I've tried the oral sex etc with no luck. This doesn't happen every time just most of the time lately.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

How often does this happen? Every time?


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

I would probably say 6 times out of 10. I guess thats more than half the time. As you can tell it takes away from the excitement of sex because while he's putting the moves on me I'm thinking...oh man, is this going to take forever or is he not even going to be able to finish....it almost creates some anxiety when he starts to touch me


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

zoku32 said:


> I would probably say 6 times out of 10. I guess thats more than half the time. As you can tell it takes away from the excitement of sex because while he's putting the moves on me I'm thinking...oh man, is this going to take forever or is he not even going to be able to finish....it almost creates some anxiety when he starts to touch me


You just uttered the words that I wondered if my ex was thinking and feeling.
We ended up sexless and divorced.

I'm going to make the optimistic assumption that you would like to avoid that outcome. If so, the two of you need to be talking about it more and looking for ways that you can both be happy and satisfied with the circumstances, regardless of who is or isn't getting off.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Been there, done that.

It happens.

Could be a mental block, could be physical.

I don't think it's unusual or uncommon.

How old is he?

I'm not sure circumcised has that much to do with it. My husband had no problems until he had medical issues and aged.

Good luck - get him in to see a doctor to make sure it's not a physical issue involved with his prostate, a blockage or anything of that nature.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

zoku32 said:


> I would probably say 6 times out of 10. I guess thats more than half the time. As you can tell it takes away from the excitement of sex because while he's putting the moves on me I'm thinking...oh man, is this going to take forever or is he not even going to be able to finish....it almost creates some anxiety when he starts to touch me


I totally get you about the anxiety part. My husband has had his own issues in the sack, and the pressure of performing and the both of you liking it, can get to ya!!

So, _how is your communication in the bedroom? Do you feel pretty open about it or is their trouble? Is he forward about the things that he likes and wants, in the sex department?_

BTW, you said that this has been going on for 3 years...may I ask, _how long you to have been together/married_?


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

I had always taken a long time to reach orgasm, but a couple of things happened that made reaching orgasm quite difficult, if not impossible.

Before I mention these things, I want to say that my new wife has been most understanding, and helped reduce my own anxiety caused by not reaching orgasm. As mentioned above here and there, there is a vicious cycle that starts with ANY kind of pressure for sexual performance. Thinking about coming only makes it harder to come. Feeling bad about the potential of not coming, makes it hard to even get started. Etc. Feeling that you MUST please a partner or feeling that you MUST achieve orgasm to please your partner puts a real damper on what can be an act that is full of love, sharing, intimacy, and exchange of pleasure. 

Goal-oriented sex might be said to be doomed from the starting pitch.

Prior to meeting my new wife, I had been in a 30 year marriage in which I was verbally and emotionally abused. I really didn't have any trouble orgasming, but over time, I ended up with nearly zero sex with my partner, and did lots of solo performances. I was also under pressure to please my ex wife sexually. In fact, I was reprimanded if I came and she didn't, so ended up learning to hold back for self preservation. Sex became a battleground, and I stopped enjoying things as the marriage wore on. 

I ended up going to counseling for anxiety and depression, and ended up taking an SSRI. The SSRI, while helping immensely with the anxiety, and allowing me to realize I was in an unhealthy relationship, completely KO'd my sex drive, and made it nearly impossible to orgasm. That would have been enough to drive me totally nuts, but I do think the lack of sex drive allowed my head to clear enough to get out of the marriage. I was on SSRI for four years. Despite the sexual problems caused by the drug, I have no regrets, and my life has changed.

After we split up, I was out on my own, and found that I could barely even do it myself. It would take HOURS, and I'd have problems with the sequence of things being off. The various aspects of orgasm all happened independently. Erection, ejaculation, and orgasm did not happen in the usual sequence. And I was, alarmingly, going numb at the exact time one would expect the fireworks to start exploding. This was distressing, but I still needed the SSRI for my sanity. 

When I met and began dating the woman that would become my new wife, she came to understand what I was going through, and helped me work through the situation. She did not pressure me to perform in any way. Any performance anxiety was self-initiated, and it took me a while to get out from my ex's shadow and realize this was a new day. She mentioned that she had difficulty achieving orgasm until she reached her late twenties, and had learned to enjoy the lovemaking on it's own. She was not afraid to help herself along as needed. 

I talked with my doctor, and ended up taking levitra. I gained an ability to go through all the motions, but still could not orgasm. After a few months together, I tapered off the SSRI, and began to feel better. I lost the numbness. Some things started happening on their own, and I started to feel again. However, even after a year off the SSRI, I still only orgasm about 1/3 of the time.

*I will share with you that the I was miserable, wracked with embarrassment, until I really understood that I was under no pressure to perform.* We worked together to make sure that she was pleased, and I learned to enjoy all the stimulation that surrounds the act. Touching, warmth, and all the good stuff.

*Once I stopped being afraid of not coming, I started coming.*

So, my point is that I really think that it's dangerous to pressure a person (man or woman) into feeling that one has to come to please the other partner. I sometimes dreaded starting to make love, and would sometimes not be able to even start at all, because I was afraid I wouldn't come.


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

My husband is 36, too young to have any medical issues, right? We have been married 7 years. 

I have to admit that I have put the pressure on him. At the beginning of our relationship he always ended with doggy style. Now that we are past that issue not he isn't able to orgasm (the issue today).

If he would just stop after I orgasm and let me know that he isn't able to that would be fine. But we go and go and go then he tells me, "I can't". Then I get upset and tell him that he should have told me from the beginning and why did he put the moves on me if he wasn't able to orgasm. 

The communication is there somewhat but he shuts me down pretty quick with "alright already, I'm sorry" That's my que to shut up. 

This isn't good..is it???


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Is is possible he had something as simple as a hernia? Having a testicle retract into your body at orgasm can be pretty disconcerting.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

zoku32 said:


> My husband is 36, too young to have any medical issues, right? We have been married 7 years.
> 
> I have to admit that I have put the pressure on him. At the beginning of our relationship he always ended with doggy style. Now that we are past that issue not he isn't able to orgasm (the issue today).
> 
> ...


No its not good! How you re-act will affect future performance. 

I understand where you are coming from, because I have been there. It is frustrating for both partners and sometimes painful to the woman from the continual thrusting. Although I understood intellectually that it was not something I was doing or not doing (we tried everything we could think of), I still felt emotionally like it was my fault - I didn't turn him on enough, I wasn't tight enough, etc. etc.... We are ingrained to think that if sex does not end with an orgasm - we have failed. 

For the men it is frustrating because often they feel like they are going to come, but then the feeling fades away. Your husband may keep trying because he may feel like he is on the edge ready to go over, but it just doesn't happen. 

Really - *listen to me on this* - you both have to *RELAX.* If he has been checked out medically and nothing is physically wrong then you have to *STOP being orgasm goal oriented.* Don't put any pressure whatsoever on him. You can find ways to give each other pleasure: sensate focus exercises, lots of variations of foreplay, touching, and positions. Slow it down, speed it up - just play with each other and have fun and if it isn't feeling good - don't do it. *Take orgasms OFF the plate for awhile* and learn to just enjoy the pleasuring. 

The more he relaxes and stops focusing on coming and instead focuses on enjoying what is happening at the moment, the more often he will be able to come. Play often and always end with cuddling, just like you do if he did have an orgasm. Give yourselves a time limit so it does not get to the frustrating point. The goal should only be to feel the pleasure of each moment. 

*DO NOT* make an issue of it in any way when he does not come. Keep re-assuring him that what is important to you is being with him and staying physically and emotionally connected. Tell him you enjoy any and all of the sex - with or with out the orgasms. 

Finally - if you can afford it - seek out a sex therapist. Sometimes these kinds of problems need a professional to help resolve the issues.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is something called "*Tantra Sex*" that does NOT focus on Orgasms, something we have been taught & retaught & expected in all of our encounters with ease. 

Such teachings may help you both explore each other in ways you never imagined , bringing heightened Sexual fullfillment & easing these expectations. Here is an article : 

Tantric Sex for Beginners: 4 Easy Tips! | Care2 Healthy & Green Living

Amazon books : Amazon.com: tantra sex


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There is something called "*Tantra Sex*" that does NOT focus on Orgasms, something we have been taught & retaught & expected in all of our encounters with ease.
> 
> Such teachings may help you both explore each other in ways you never imagined , bringing heightened Sexual fullfillment & easing these expectations. Here is an article :
> 
> ...


Excellent book! I recommend it for this post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Talk (Apr 7, 2011)

At age 36, it would not hurt (no pun intended) to get a Prostate Exam, one never knows


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Again, can't orgasm or can't ejaculate? Those are two completely different things. You also did not describe 'can't' in terms of how long? Are we talking 3 minutes or 20?


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

mary35 said:


> For the men it is frustrating because often they feel like they are going to come, but then the feeling fades away. Your husband may keep trying because he may feel like he is on the edge ready to go over, but it just doesn't happen.


Yes … this is often true with one suffering from anorgasmia, you feel like all systems are go, then it all stops. Men may do anything from going numb, limp, or ejaculate without orgasm, or all three. It's really odd. If you read up on the process a man goes through to orgasm with ejaculation, you can see that there is a cascade of chemicals that must occur in a certain order, if there are ANY out of balance, things won't pop as expected. This can happen due to a variety of physical conditions, fatigue, and medications. When I read about the process, it's pretty amazing men ever ejaculate at all. They will likely never ejaculate if they think too much about what is happening, though 



mary35 said:


> *Take orgasms OFF the plate for awhile* and learn to just enjoy the pleasuring.


Yes. Yes. Yes.



mary35 said:


> The more he relaxes and stops focusing on coming and instead focuses on enjoying what is happening at the moment, the more often he will be able to come. ... Give yourselves a time limit so it does not get to the frustrating point. The goal should only be to feel the pleasure of each moment.


Time limit is a good idea. I used to HATE this with my new wife. I'd sit and stew. After a while, I found that if I just enjoyed the moment, there was a chance things might perk up relatively quickly. At any rate, it's much more fun to snuggle with an unclothed, loving, woman than roll over and pout. At least I prefer that. 



mary35 said:


> *DO NOT* make an issue of it in any way when he does not come. Keep re-assuring him that what is important to you is being with him and staying physically and emotionally connected. Tell him you enjoy any and all of the sex - with or with out the orgasms.


Yes … the power of words are important. He's probably putting a bunch of pressure on himself, even if he doesn't show it. Added pressure from a partner to ejaculate is doomed to fail. 

*Everyone loves sports analogies: 

As Yogi Berra once said "You can't think and bat."*

And, as an aside: I used to like to prolong the time it took to make love because having an orgasm, while it was great, may tend to end things. It at very least, signals a transition. I REALLY enjoy the whole bit of foreplay, touching, kissing, etc. I realized this years ago when I noticed that my most erotic fantasies were often about the foreplay.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There is something called "*Tantra Sex*" that does NOT focus on Orgasms, something we have been taught & retaught & expected in all of our encounters with ease.
> 
> Amazon books : Amazon.com: tantra sex


I read this book after my divorce, while sitting around wondering if I'd ever have another orgasm. I was taking SSRI medications and in intense therapy in recovery from a very unhappy, marriage. The SSRIs both cut back my sex drive, AND made it nearly impossible to orgasm normally. I was horrified to think about what was in store for me. I intended to taper off the SSRIs, but had read that the side effects may continue for quite some time. (And they did…). *I have no doubt the SSRIs actually saved my life,* but I had a bit of a problem. 

I read the book, and was able to call upon the techniques when I started dating the woman that became my new wife. 

The tantric-inspired shared breathing, close hugs, intimate massages were, IMHO, some of the MOST erotic things I've ever encountered. As we simply hugged, face to face, and slowly breathed in and out together, sharing the warm air and aromas as we ever so slowly inhaled with our noses, I was amazed at how intimate the experience was. I have NO doubt that the process was incredibly important for our bonding, and involved exchanging tons of pheromones. I remember the first night we spent together staring at each other and asking _"What just happened?" _

It was months before I actually experienced an orgasm, and this was months after I quit the SSRIs. I am still at having a rate of around 20%, if I were to actually waste time counting.

The tantric techniques, and a wonderfully understanding, no pressure lover, made me really cherish the entire time we spend together intimately. And when we DO have an orgasm, the build up makes them mind-blowing and the most intense ever. 

I don't receive a commission on this book, but I do recommend it highly.


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## zoku32 (Jul 15, 2010)

Thank you I will definitely check it out. Now my to do list includes:

get hubby to the dr

get the book

and no pressure

Got it!


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## Wife3712 (Jul 24, 2013)

My husband and I have always had a fantastic sexual relationship! We have been married for going on 39 years...we are still very sexually active....in the last couple of days, he has been unable to have an orgasm...no problem with ED, but he did see blood yesterday. Is this something that is temporary, or should he be seeing a doctor?


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

zoku32 said:


> Thank you I will definitely check it out. Now my to do list includes:
> 
> get hubby to the dr
> 
> ...


I have had the same issue. I'd say I come about 50% of the time I have sex with my wife. She comes pretty much every time and I still enjoy it whether I reach orgasm or not.

For me it is physical. Often I'm just tired or stressed. Sometimes I think it could be a position issue. My wife is very shy sexually and only likes the lazy doggy position. While I like this position I feel as though it doesn't always stimulate the most sensitive area. Can't really explain it other than the fricton doesn't hit the perfect spot. 

I don't know if another position would solve this issue but my wife is not big on new positions. Certainly might be worth trying out with your hubby though, a new position might get him off better.

Also is it possible he masturbates a lot (perhaps without you knowing)? That can certainly effect the ability to come if he is coming a lot on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Wife3712 said:


> My husband and I have always had a fantastic sexual relationship! We have been married for going on 39 years...we are still very sexually active....in the last couple of days, he has been unable to have an orgasm...no problem with ED, but he did see blood yesterday. Is this something that is temporary, or should he be seeing a doctor?


Probably an obvious answer but yeah he should see a doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ??? (Jul 27, 2013)

My partner also has difficulty with orgasm, during sex anyway. He has sensory issues and can become overstimulated and this becomes a block for him. We can both also go for a very long time but I think this makes the problem worse, although he assures me he's having a great time. He very rarely finishes inside me and more often than not I help him to cum with him masturbating himself and me doing whatever seems fun at the time. It was an issue for him to let him see me like that for a long time, but I reassured him I found it sexy and it was not a chore at all, which is true. There have been times when he hasn't cum at all, and I've been more upset than he has, in fact he wasn't upset at all. The bottom line is that I know he has difficulty in this area, I encourage him, don't pressurise him and but I help him to achieve orgasm in any way I can and most of the time it works. Over 5 years I think there's only been 2/3 occasions when it didn't work out. Perhaps you could try our method, if it's something both of you feel you could do or find some other way to ramp things up?

By the way, I'm sure he doesn't know beforehand whether it's going to be one of those times, otherwise why would he initiate?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

zoku32 said:


> No, he isn't on any meds and yes, he is circumsiced.
> 
> Thanks for all the positive comments. I really needed to hear that. I just hope this isn't leading to a life of bad sex. I'm more of a 5-10 minuter and he is more of a 30 minuter or more. My body can't handle all that.


Hmmm, I'm not certain who has the problem here. You cant make love for 30 minutes? Maybe you should see a gynecologist?

And chastising him for a going longer than your 5 minute target without finishing is poison. Stop that immediately.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> Opiate pain meds can make a guy go and go and go, but he is not feeling it enough to have an orgasm. Same happens to women.


this is true for me. dose he watch a lot of prom? is there variety in the bedroom. do you give oral? like different positions etc.


I sometime can't orgasm. so not all men orgasm every time .


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Zombie thread guys so replying to OP is probably useless.

Blood in seminal fluid is usually prostate issue (not a dr but I have prostate issues).

I'd be willing to bet that a lot of women have problems when sex lasts 30 minutes. My wife has never said anything but I can tell PIV for that long starts to hurt.


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