# MIL living 6+ mos with us



## RPosie (Aug 2, 2008)

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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what happens when you talk about things with your husband, ieither alone or in MC?

C


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would tell my husband that we are going to hire a caregiver for her. Period.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nursing home? Home care? 

Does she have any other children that can help?

This is your husband's mother so he should be tending to her more instead of you doing it all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The bottom line is that you have to say you will not be her caretaker. It's not fair for him to expect you to be, not unless you agreed to it before she moved in.


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## RPosie (Aug 2, 2008)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Surely he is home at least SOME hours of the day? 

If so, as soon as he is home, you turn her care over to him. You go to a gym, for a walk, to a movie. He won't respect you unless YOU respect you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RPosie said:


> We've found a few nursing homes we like for her new home. But the wait is killing me. Each day it feels like a little more of my soul is being sucked out of me


How long is the wait on them? How old is she? Maybe Medicaid can help cover the costs for the nurse. home?

I saw a family member go throygh this recently, the MIL moving in and the wife becoming the sole caretaker mostly and I feel your pain.

It's not easy.

And damn, getting old sucks. I wonder about me/what will happen when I get older sometimes. I don't want to be a burden to anyone.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What tunera said. Start making time for yourself. One day a weekend, two nights a week. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RPosie (Aug 2, 2008)

Thanks for all the responses!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And what are you doing to find that new housing? You could be doing the legwork yourself.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And have you applied for some of these homes that you like for her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> Surely he is home at least SOME hours of the day?
> 
> If so, as soon as he is home, you turn her care over to him. You go to a gym, for a walk, to a movie. He won't respect you unless YOU respect you.


And keep in mind that you will very likely need to consistently leave the house during "his" time to take care of her. Otherwise, he may slowly shift more and more caretaking tasks back to you, even if it's supposed to be your "time off".


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## RPosie (Aug 2, 2008)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RPosie said:


> I was told that I was "pushing too hard" when I was adamant that we visit the homes. It's just a constant fight.


That's when you say "Husband, MY needs are just as valid and important as YOUR needs, and I didn't marry you to become your mother's caretaker. If that's what you feel my role is, then we need to have a discussion about whether this marriage is going to stand. If we haven't moved her to a place of her own by August 31, I'll be moving out and you can then PAY someone to take care of her."

After 8pm? Go for a walk, go running, go to an all-night gym, go to a friend's house, go to a 9pm movie, go to Walmart, be creative.

What you are describing is a power struggle. Your H is too chicken to disappoint his mother by failing to be her savior. But he is not being her savior, he's shoving YOU into that spot because he expects you to never leave him. Unfortunately, this may be your only choice. I guarantee, he has no intention of moving her out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

RPosie said:


> I was told that I was "pushing too hard" when I was adamant that we visit the homes. It's just a constant fight.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would suggest that until you begin to stand up for yourself, you can expect things to continue as they are. 

Personally, I would consider moving out with friends or family for a few weeks and let them get a taste of what it will be like if the situation isn't rectified. Depends on how frustrated and close to your breaking point you are. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

RPosie said:


> I was told that I was "pushing too hard" when I was adamant that we visit the homes. It's just a constant fight.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




If he legitimately cannot get home from work any earlier, then you'll need to find things that can be done that late. Go get a slice of pie at the local diner, take a nice long walk, go to the gym, take a yoga class, head to the local college library to read for a bit, drive around listening to the radio, whatever you can find to do that gets you out of the house and doing something just for you for an hour or two.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about hiring a caretaker? If you're in the US, there are federal funds for part of that. My mom was entitled to quite a bit of free home visits by county agencies. The lady across the street from us had 3 different people coming to visit with her and do general caretaking, housekeeping even, each week. You could take off for the hours that they are there.


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