# Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Husband's Infidelity Consequence



## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

This community has such wonderful support for all people involved with infidelity that I wanted to jump in and ask for some help. 

Because of my husband's infidelity, I am now dealing with every symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. I am almost four months out of D-Day and we are working on our marriage. However, my emotions and thoughts are so out of control that I don't know which way is up or down sometimes. One minute I don't want to be in this marriage (with someone who did the unthinkable) and the next minute I love him and am so glad I didn't leave him. This can happen multiple times a day. I feel insane sometimes! 

When I say that I have all the symptoms of PTSD, I mean I also see things, which I call visions. I will see her walking with him, hugging on him and even have sex with him. It's so crazy. 

I've started getting physically sick over it all and my feelings have started to feel raw again without anything new happening. It's like I just keep reliving it and becoming beaten down with it repeatedly. When I first found out, I talked to my counselor about how I feel like I am only able to experience a little of what happened because my body would shut down and refuse to face anymore of it. Well, now it seems as though I have an internal war of wanting to deal with it but at the same time trying to push it down. 

I have a lot of rage, and a lot of sadness, I have nightmares and can't concentrate on things unrelated to the affair at times. I have so many triggers, it's ridiculous (thanks to the thousands of emails I found between them). 

My counselor I have had since D-Day hasn't been much help in this area, she has been mostly a sound board. I am supposed to see a new one on the 9th...but I fear she will be just as effective. 

I feel like I am drowning.... 

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Infidelity Rage


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Hi. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Most of the people here can relate to how you feel. It's an emotional roller coaster. People can give good tips on how to deal with the bad episodes, but in the end, I think it boils down to time. With time, they grow farther apart and seem to hurt less.

The most helpful thing for me was making new, happy memories with my husband. It seemed like the more time we spent going on dates and having fun together, the less time there was for the weepies. Then during those sleepless nights, when it was hard to stop my mind from going to dark places, I would try to focus on the good times and how close we were growing. When I needed to, I woke my husband and told him I needed a hug. 

How confident are you that your husband is truly remorseful? Do you feel like you're both working on the relationship? I think that at four months in, your wounds are still pretty fresh and the way you've described your emotions seems normal to me. I felt like that and I've read posts from alot of people who experienced the same things. Sometimes just knowing that I wasn't the only one who felt that way was so helpful. Stay strong and be sure to vent when you need to. This is a good place for that.

As long as your marriage is getting back on track, things will most likely improve with time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

Thank you LuvMyH... It does help to hear that I am not the only one who feels this way. 

I know I have to start really experiencing the good times with my husband but it's so hard to fall into that. I'm so scared of becoming vulnerable again. I don't know if time will heal that so that I can trust him again with my heart, but I guess I'll see. 

Yes, my husband is remorseful. I don't understand that either. He is doing everything right...he goes to individual counseling, we are going to marriage counseling, he takes medication for his bipolar disorder, and he has changed his ways at home such as helping out with chores and with the children. But the problem is that I am just waiting for that all to end, ya know? Like this is just some big ploy to make sure I don't leave and after this is all over, he'll revert to his old ways. He says he won't and acknowledges he's been a horrible husband but I don't know... I guess it just all comes down to trust. I don't trust anything he says or does.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Every person on the threshold of commiting adultery should read your post. You have brought alive the devastion caused, it is frightening.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> This community has such wonderful support for all people involved with infidelity that I wanted to jump in and ask for some help.


Thanks! First, it's good to see you here. In case folks don't know, InfidelityRage and I met on Twitter and we are sort of acquaintances. So I'm glad you're here and I hope you do find this place helpful. I sure do! 



> Because of my husband's infidelity, I am now dealing with every symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. I am almost four months out of D-Day and we are working on our marriage. However, my emotions and thoughts are so out of control that I don't know which way is up or down sometimes. One minute I don't want to be in this marriage (with someone who did the unthinkable) and the next minute I love him and am so glad I didn't leave him. This can happen multiple times a day. I feel insane sometimes!


Just so you know, this is actually fairly normal. The shock and devastation of finding out the one person you thought loved you has actually betrayed you...it can definitely cause a PTSD type response for a while. I don't know that I'd say it's quite a mental "disorder" but pretty much everyone who works in the field or has ever been through it knows what this is. We call it "triggers" and it's things that occur throughout the day that remind you of that painful event and then "trigger" all those feelings to flood you again. So don't feel TOO crazy--from the way you describe it I believe it's pretty normal. 



> When I say that I have all the symptoms of PTSD, I mean I also see things, which I call visions. I will see her walking with him, hugging on him and even have sex with him. It's so crazy.


Yep that's exactly what it's like! When a person who has PTSD is "triggered" they literally relive the event as if they were right there, back in the past. Part of you may be aware you're not really "back there" but all your senses experience it as if you are. So that's the "visions" that you see, and it's not crazy...just an extreme shock to your emotions. 



> I've started getting physically sick over it all and my feelings have started to feel raw again without anything new happening. It's like I just keep reliving it and becoming beaten down with it repeatedly. When I first found out, I talked to my counselor about how I feel like I am only able to experience a little of what happened because my body would shut down and refuse to face anymore of it. Well, now it seems as though I have an internal war of wanting to deal with it but at the same time trying to push it down.


Okay--not wanting to deal with it and being afraid may actually be a bit of the issue now. It really hurts...I mean REALLY hurts...to face this, but if you put it off, then what's happening now is actually exactly what happens. It doesn't "go away"--it will build and build and eventually bubble up until you HAVE TO face it. 

So here are a few tips on how to help you get over this. I offer these as someone who has actually had PTSD and been through the devastation of being a spouse that was betrayed by their disloyal. Okay?

Some of the things that are "triggers" are going to involve your senses: songs you HEAR, certain SMELLS, seeing certain things, etc. so one of the things that will help if you can do it is to take a night and you know that song that makes you cry and cry? Listen to it over and over and over and over...really let yourself feel the pain and instead of avoiding it, go THROUGH it. It's going to be bad and hurt like h#ll, but by the time you've heard it 50 times or so, you'll have a twinge but hear music again...not betrayal. Make sense? 

Second tip--part of what sends you into the trigger vision thing is the "reliving" so when you do recognize you're in the middle of a trigger, stop RIGHT AWAY and do something involving your senses to bring you back to now...NOW, when he is being remorseful and has chosen you. So make the effort to touch something and experience the feeling of the fabric, or taste something and feel the food in your mouth....really taste it and let it roll around. Smell a perfume or something really good here..now. Does that make sense? It will shorten/stop the trigger reliving vision.



> I have a lot of rage, and a lot of sadness, I have nightmares and can't concentrate on things unrelated to the affair at times. I have so many triggers, it's ridiculous (thanks to the thousands of emails I found between them).


I would recommend talking with your husband about your anger, but do not use either PTSD or his past against him or as an excuse to be inappropriate. He didn't "make" you rage now--so if you rage at him, that's your choice and you need to work on anger issues. Okay? However, being honest about how you feel (anger and sadness) and let him try NOW to support and comfort you. Let him hug you and rub your back so you feel him NOW. And train your mind to remind yourself over and over "He is being faithful now. We have a future together." Over and Over. Keep looking at the present and the future, and gradually be willing to let go of some of the pain so you two can move forward. That is a choice too--I willingly let go of this.


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