# What goofy things did you do to feel whole?



## lostintheworld1 (Aug 7, 2011)

What oddball things did you do in an attempt to feel whole after the divorce? I am sure some went out and had sex with anything with a pulse, others may have opted for other extremes. I tried replacing all the kitchen items she took including a $300 mixer that I have yet to use a year later. Sometimes I just want to feel whole again and every day I get a little stronger realizing that I am whole on my own without trying to replace what she took. But sometimes damnit I want to buy stuff.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

Consumer Counselling, works for me!!

I just bought an awesome new bed, soon I will have replaced all the items of cloths I ever had in the marriage and I have all new dishes and furniture. 

The less things we shared or had while married, the more thing sI obtain while free of my EX make life feel much more whole.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ditto, D&H.

The fewer reminders the better. It didn't hurt to have sex with someone else just so the last person I had sex with wasn't him. I just tried to put a lot of distance between us and do things that he scoffed at or wouldn't do. 

I went to the theater, I volunteered with Habitat, I went on trips he wouldn't take, like Vegas - he wouldn't go anywhere that required a flight because he had to carry weed with him. 

I also did things that were a little scary and beyond my comfort zone. I took my daughter camping (didn't sleep well and clutched my .44 but it was a trip to remember). I drove 7 hours by myself to a beach to meet friends (didn't like driving by myself that far). 

I want to take a cruise but it will have to be with friends or alone because ex refuses to let me take our daughter - he won't sign for a passport.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Hmmm, took dancing classes, took up archery, stopped working for a year (brain injury, but what the heck...), went to volunteer pretty much half time at an independent film theatre, drove up the driveway when it was covered with snow and icy with my AWD vehicle my H was paying for (he was deployed, and had to support me, lol, should have thought about that before he left behind evidence of his cheating and lying...), rented an apartment all for my own, started working again, and applied to college for a third degree in subjects that I love! Oh right, I also bought good bras and nice clothes that were affordable and attractive. I had a social worker the whole time, and therapy. What else, I made Halloween costumes for my kids - my son has a really great rooster costume, and my daughter has a Native American dress that rocks. It was a good year, and it set the stage for the life I really wanted. I decluttered, and now have a new professional job that's in my niche...still dancing, still going to the movies, writing arts and culture reviews and making a name for myself here on campus and beyond. Oh, and after I filed for divorce I had a nice love affair with a friend of mine, and within ten days of us being together saved his life (he had a brain hemorrhage...near fatal...) All in all, I think I had an okay divorce, except the realization of the abuse and the rape was kind of brutal mentally, but it got overshadowed pretty quickly by being able to mourn properly for the loss of my friend's life as it had been. It's been a lot easier to remember that, than what preceded it. I always knew that one guy would have a special effect on my life, I just could never figure out what it was about him, the whole year we knew each other as friends, before, how we would be connected the rest of our lives...

Oh, and not quite a year out, I bought jeggings, and leggings, and I wear them in public. I also started supporting my son in his art studies, no more endless movies and Wii games on what's his face's big screen tv, no more putting up with violence in media in my life without any say in the matter...

oh right, I finally got myself to a Quaker meeting. 

After I moved my stuff to an apartment, I ignored the fact that things needed to be unpacked, I went camping with my kids and friends for a week!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Strangely enough,just leaving him was enough to make me feel whole again.I was giving so much of myself to making things work.I felt incomplete,exhausted,and empty.I have nice things,a fixer upper house,and I haven't seen the inside of a real shopping mall in ages.It feels good


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Being rid of her, (well,,, on her terms) and not having every moment planned for every second of every day. I no longer have to deal with her expensive spending habits that dug us deeper and deeper in severe debt, I dont have to worry about her mom and providing a place for her every time she was evicted from her house...
--Just realizing that I was allowed to offload this huge sack of obligations for someone that completely lacked any compassion, affection, or interest beyond her own nose, was where I started feeling whole again. Seperating from that "sickness" whatever definition it may come to, was stepping off of the freaking crazy ride. Oh man, was it peaceful for once.
I havent done anything near what a few have posted already, but Im in my own house, and am taking care of myself, and my daughter when I have her every other week for the week.

I get together with friends, and had a couple take over my kitchen last weekend and made tortilla soup, while we drank a few beers and ate well. 

I made "service" and "obligation" my #1 directive in my marriage, I think because all other avenues of approach were completely shut off by her after awhile. 2 dudes on the side seem to facilitate that process for sure.

But being rid of that constant non-reciprocal obligation via marriage, opened my entire life up to new possibilities.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

All of those things that I would have loved to do, but couldn't because of him. And I haven't hit them all yet. 
#1 is Dancing!! I always loved to dance, and now I'm doing it at least once a week, whether it's a class or at our local contra group. It is the biggest mood booster I have.
I've gone camping with my son, I went on a solo overnight cross-country ski trip (where I got lost in the National Forest and saw a bear, lol), and I've volunteered at a few places that I was always interested in, like our local food bank, and a couple of film festivals. 

Oh, and I've been to a few concerts and bar shows, theatre productions, and I went in costume to Rocky Horror Picture Show last Halloween. :rofl:

In other words, I've opened up the cage door and let angel out to play!!


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## zebulona (Aug 15, 2012)

Great posts, everyone. I'm still working on my process


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I've done two trips abroad without him - total bliss since he moaned constantly about airports/flying/heat/foreigners 

I've been out to see shows and to parties and weddings alone and it's been fantastic, I'm much more fun without him

I gave up weed 

I make a point of starfishing in the bed :smthumbup:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm planning a trip to Mongolia. It's probably goofy but wtf. It will make me feel a whole lot better. Not just planning but going.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I need to try starfishing. I usually huddle up though in the place where my AWESOME boyfriend had his near-fatal brain hemorrhage, and hence his last coherent thoughts. His memory of our relationship was eradicated by well, medical trauma. I like to think of that place as the last safe place I experienced before all hell broke loose in my life. It's been a bit surreal since then...like the tragedy brought on a whole new consciousness not just for him, but for me. My life is not recognizable compared to what it was previously. It feels more 'attached' but TO WHAT? Greater consciousness, perhaps...but where is the anchor point? I believe it's love...but am having trouble letting it manifest, for one reason or another. Maybe it's time for another consult with the shaman (which is what I did to feel whole, on top of everything else...)


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I'm not after divorce but just saying this loud to him 2 days ago made me feel great - actually so great I rewarded myself with spanking brand new car


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

I'm not after divorce but just saying this loud to him 2 days ago made me feel great - actually so great I rewarded myself with spanking brand new car


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> All of those things that I would have loved to do, but couldn't because of him. And I haven't hit them all yet.
> #1 is Dancing!! I always loved to dance, and now I'm doing it at least once a week, whether it's a class or at our local contra group. It is the biggest mood booster I have.
> I've gone camping with my son, I went on a solo overnight cross-country ski trip (where I got lost in the National Forest and saw a bear, lol), and I've volunteered at a few places that I was always interested in, like our local food bank, and a couple of film festivals.
> 
> ...


The solo xc ski trip sounds quite adventurous. What kind of bear? Where I live our bears are rather small and somewhat on the tame side, as compared to our west or Alaska/Canada. What kind of camping do you do, and how old is son (appx)? Where have you volunteered? I'm just psyched about all this stuff you're doing...sounds like me only more so, I need inspiration.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I went to college and worked on my degree at night while working full time during the day. I was very busy.

I was trying to set up a career, so I could easily raise my daughter on my own. That plan didn't work as I met my husband 5 years later.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ate out too much ... drank too much.

Then ... weighed too much. Was fun though.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The solo xc ski trip sounds quite adventurous. What kind of bear? Where I live our bears are rather small and somewhat on the tame side, as compared to our west or Alaska/Canada. What kind of camping do you do, and how old is son (appx)? Where have you volunteered? I'm just psyched about all this stuff you're doing...sounds like me only more so, I need inspiration.



HNU -- It was a black bear. I live in the northern Rockies. It didn't dawn on me til after it was all over that the bear was probably just out of hibernation, on top of it. Added a little excitement to the trip.  I wasn't outside overnight, just to be clear. I had a very tiny no-frills cabin (meaning no indoor plumbing) that was at a place with a natural hot springs. That was very nice the morning after my (unintended) skiing marathon! 

I have volunteered at a couple of film festivals. At one, I helped to do some low-level inventory of their submissions, and got a quick course on being a back-up projectionist, and worked concessions with DS, lol. The other one was our big documentary festival. I worked on the street team putting up posters and putting stacks of guides in businesses around town, and then I was a ticket-taker and usher for multiple shifts. Got to see a lot of free films and meet cool people. 

Was only able to go camping overnight a couple of times last summer, and just at a group get together for our contra dance group. But I've done other camping in the past and would love to again. My son is 10. 

I also took DS out snowshoeing (first time for both of us), but I think I enjoyed that more than he did. We finished the day up on some crazy sledding hills, and that he loved, lol.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Ate out too much ... drank too much.
> 
> Then ... weighed too much. Was fun though.


Yes, and Yes.....Now I'm in the process of losing it all again but I still want to eat out! Ugh....


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Paradise said:


> Yes, and Yes.....Now I'm in the process of losing it all again but I still want to eat out! Ugh....


Dammit I love good food, good wine and liquor and good company. Moderation can be difficult to achieve.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I love to eat out. Every summer I put on weight and in the fall I start losing it. With all the stress and running around I'm doing great on my diet, except my work out has suffered because I've been so tired and am adjusting to my new schedule with son being home. 

I've been doing goofy, crazy things for years. While still living with my H I raced cars, four wheeled with my Jeep, drove all around the country on road trips for weeks at a time. It probably didn't help my marriage but my H used to say it made me "fun and interesting". It did put a strain on things. Looking back it wasn't the smart thing to do but I wouldn't have given it up for anything and I am indebted to my H for supporting me and letting me do without giving me too hard a time. But again, it verifies that I was meant to be single. 

2 years being separated and I've done some cool stuff. Kayaking, hiking, camping,skiing..been doing it all, esp this past summer and fall when my H had my son living with him. I knew deep down that my H wasn't going to be keeping him, esp as we got deeper into fall the handwriting was on the wall. I was like a starving man at a last banquet and did as much as I could these last two month. I must've spent more time sleeping in my tent than I did my apartment. Back in September I came back from a week long vacation on the Chesapeake Bay and didn't even bother to unpack the car. I worked a few days and went up to the Delaware River for another long weekend of camping and kayaking. 

Right up the last weekend in October I was camping and hiking. Then we had the hurricane here at the Shore, which derailed our lives and then my H lost it around Thanksgiving. 

So here I am with my son back. He's 15 and can't be left for any overnighters. My planned ski trip for this winter is put on hold indefinitely. I don't know if or when my H will be able to look after my son, if ever..so I'm stuck at home for the foreseeable future. It's going to kill me. I'm hoping in time he'll be able to look after himself and stay overnight but it's still awhile off. He's not the independent, self sufficient type like my daughter is. It's a "play it by ear" situation. 

So I'm hoping to get more involved with activities in my local area, go out and meet people and once the D happens I might even want to go out and date and have some fun. 

So my definition of "crazy" is going to have to change. I can still hike and kayak but it's going to have to be closer to home.  It's not going to be easy because my passion is life to travel to new and interesting places.

I'm an explorer at heart. My having to stay cloer to home is like keeping a falcon is a cage. Esp since I don't really love where I live. I've never really loved it here. I want to live someplace rural and beautiful, where my backyard is my playground, instead of always having to drive 100 miles to get where I want to be. 

But if I can, I'll take a trip to Newfoundland. I've always wanted to go, having been to the rest of the Maritimes. And one my son gets settled and can be at home alone or when my daughter is home for summer break I'll do some road tripping. One can only hope. But right now my priority is to raise my son and be there for him. 

Ironic that I was wild and crazy and now I have to settle down..I'll save my money and plan for the day when I'm finally free to do what I want and live for myself.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

You make me jealous. So much time on your hands to enjoy - I have to work 6 days a week to keep the bread on the table and not much travelling on Sundays


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

Our divorce isn't complete, yet, but I've already started this process -- some goofy-ish, some less so -- since we separated and once I realized she had given up completely.

I volunteered to help with a local prairie restoration project. We collect seeds for replanting, remove invasive species, and monitor the locations and numbers of endangered plants. I've learned enough, that I'm drawing up plans for turning my entire front yard into a native prairie flower garden.

I got back into singing... I joined an a capella singing group where I work. We practice every Wednesday at lunch. We just had our first concert since I joined, and they already gave me a solo and I got to dress up in a gorilla suit for one number! That felt good.

I learned how to ride a motorcycle. Our DMV offers a weekend-long motorcycle safety course through local universities. At the end of the class, they administer the tests, and you get the little "M" on your license, if you pass. I don't have a motorcycle and I don't have plans to get one any time soon, but it was always something I wanted to learn to do. 

I have an old 1972 Superbeetle that I've been tinkering with when I have spare money. I haven't had a lot of spare money lately, but I'm making plans to eventually convert it to an electric car and nickname it "The Lightning Bug".

I've been doing a lot of inexpensive, but fun, hanging out with my two teenaged kids.

I've lost 50 pounds. As incentive to make it happen, I ran a triathlon just to prove that I could.

Over New Year's weekend, the kids and I are taking a road trip to visit my brother in Texas. The one thing we must do while there is visit the Alamo, and ask one of the tour guides where the basement is.

I started seeing a counselor... She's really helped with the depression, the anxiety, the codependency, my mild ADHD, and just getting my head sorted out in general. I'm feeling a lot happier, more stable, more steady, and more confident than I was a year ago.

I've got my finances separated from my wife's, I'm caught up with bills, I have a hefty safety net saved up, and I'm beginning to pay down debt. I feels good to not have to worry about bills, and to not be cleaning up her financial messes.

I stopped waiting for her to file for divorce, and started the process myself.



Pb.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

pandorabox said:


> You make me jealous. So much time on your hands to enjoy - I have to work 6 days a week to keep the bread on the table and not much travelling on Sundays


Well, I pray that won't be me by the time my STBXH gets through with me. 

I have time on my hands at certain times but when I do work I work 12 hour days. Today I was at work at 8:30 am and didn't get home until 9:30pm. And there's no breaks..no lunch break. No coffee break. The only time I rest is when I'm driving to my customers. 

I had more time when my son was at my husband's. Now he's with me and I can't go off on overnighters and money is tight. Eventually things should even out. Hopefully my STBX will have to fork out some support. Right now, it's all on me. I'm supporting both kids and trying to pick up the pieces. He's left us with quite a mess and it's up to me to put it right...Same situation as 2 years ago. 

Except then I still loved him and was in shock and hoping things would get better and I was losing my mind. Now I'm in control and I just want out of this marriage. 

My daughter is in college and is fairly independent. She is pretty much on her own. My son is 15. He won't be dependent on me forever and when that happens I'm going to change my life and move on. I don't need much to live and I figure I'll hopefully have a good 20 years left to do the things I want to do, so I plan to do them. 

I want to go someplace pretty, where I can step out my door and go hiking, or skiing or just sit and look at a beautiful landscape. I've always wanted to live in the mountains. I'll do whatever job I can find. I've got a few ideas. I'll be living simple though. If I didn't have kids I might think about going to live in another country but I don't want to be away from my kids..at least not too far away.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Im no where near whole yet. Mainly because i crave touch the way a junkie craves drugs. That is the biggest thing for me right now.

Oh and im painting my bedroom and looking for new furniture for my bedroom!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

PeasNCarrots said:


> Im no where near whole yet. Mainly because i crave touch the way a junkie craves drugs. That is the biggest thing for me right now.
> 
> Oh and im painting my bedroom and looking for new furniture for my bedroom!


I think that craving touch is a normal thing.
It's good to be aware of it though, otherwise it's probably something that can be used against you to advantage.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

It's only been a couple of months since D was final, and I started for practical reasons, but being in school feels really good right now. Oh, and lots and lots of bad karaoke and dancing. 



PeasNCarrots said:


> Im no where near whole yet. Mainly because i crave touch the way a junkie craves drugs. That is the biggest thing for me right now.


I know that feeling. 



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think that craving touch is a normal thing.
> It's good to be aware of it though, otherwise it's probably something that can be used against you to advantage.


Ha! I think I'm "more" normal than most. But, I'm not willing to even try anyone out to receive it. I have enough on my plate to work through and to enjoy. And tbh, I'm a wee bit scared, I need to build up some strength first. Hugs and kisses from kids, mom, and gf's will do me for now.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> It's only been a couple of months since D was final, and I started for practical reasons, but being in school feels really good right now. Oh, and lots and lots of bad karaoke and dancing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You're so lucky you have a mom and gf's to do that for you. I have kids, we are close...but yep, comfort in a relationship is definitely a criteria. I have no fear, I'm willing to make mistakes, even big mistakes, in order to gain more understanding of what it is I want/need.


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