# Sexting, pictures, and teens



## alexm

So, our 14 year old, like most kids his age, has a tablet (no cell phone, though!). He actually has two - his own, and a school-provided one (iPad) that is supposed to be used for school work, in class, etc.

Although we've routinely told him the iPad is for school only, and is provided by them for this and this alone, we're constantly fighting with him to use his own for personal use.

As such, we monitor what he does on this tablet (as well as his personal one, of course, but mainly the school-provided one). He knows we monitor it. We, as well as the school, have warned him and all students about inappropriate usage of the internet, tablets and cell phones especially in regards to... personal photos.

So I was going through his iPad today, and saw several photos that I would very much like to unsee. There were a number of pictures that he and a 15 year old girl were sending back and forth recently. Although I knew darn well that at some point through our monitoring of his internet and tablet activities we'd likely see something like this, I was still in shock. The photos he sent did not include his face (so at least there's that), however the photos from the girl did.

My wife and I have tried to imprint upon him that these things don't disappear. And they were sent from, and stored on, a school-owned device, to boot.

So. I feel some sort of obligation to contact this girls parents and let them know what their daughter has been sending to my son, and vice versa. However, I am not sure this is the right move. I'm a man and in my late 30's, and I have now unfortunately seen photos of somebody's 15 year old daughter, which is... awkward. My wife would be better suited for this, as I imagine the embarrassment factor would be lessened by her being a woman. However she can not bring herself to do this. We do not know this girl, nor her parents, but they apparently go to the same school, and I imagine they wouldn't be hard to find.

What would you do? Leave it alone, or contact her parents? I feel like it's the right thing to do, but I also would feel like I'm overstepping my boundaries. I also have to consider my stepson in this as well, not just for any repercussions at school, but, as I said, we do not know this girls parents. He is just as culpable in this is as she is. The last thing we'd want is for her to have an older brother who might beat him up or something. Or her dad...

I'm telling you, parenting in this day and age is NOT the same as when I was 14. The worst thing your parents ever saw was if they walked in on you while you were busy. Some embarrassment for a little while, and it went away. Seeing pictures or video is scarring to parents. And that type of thing stays out there, can be shared, etc. Ugh.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Contact an attorney. Period. Sorry, unless you know the laws, in some states this is considered a form of child porn if there are any nude pictures.

http://mjlr.org/2014/10/27/sexting-...otected-class-from-child-pornography-charges/
http://www.studentpulse.com/article...he-consequences-of-poorly-crafted-legislation
http://bangordailynews.com/2015/05/...ed-of-sexting-makes-initial-court-appearance/

Sounds like fear mongering, I know, but better safe than sorry.


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## EleGirl

I agree. See a lawyer first. Your son and that girls could be charged with felonies. I've read about this happening.


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## gouge_away

You are not alone... this happens at every highschool and almost all highschool aged children are exposed as these pictures get passed around instantly.

Your son may be charged with a crime if he shared these photos with anybody other than the girl.

Also, explain to your son that their are creepy men out there that will pose as young girls to entice young boys into sharing body shots.


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## alexm

I'm not terribly concerned with the legal aspects of it, ALTHOUGH, that was one of the first things I spoke to him about when I told him what I saw.

I'm also not overly concerned with him sharing photos with his buddies, though again, that was one of the first things I mentioned to him.

Now, I might be naive (aren't all parents of teenagers?) but this is what they do now, and there's no stopping it. We can impress upon them the importance of NOT doing this, and why, but it goes over their heads for the most part. I'm not even mad about him doing this (though I'm not impressed), but I AM angry at him for doing this on a tablet that belongs to his school, that is for school-use only, and that can be taken back by them at any point. And the parent in me is coming out as I'm even less impressed that some girl he knows is sending photos of herself that include her face. SHE should know better.

That said, if this was on his own personal tablet, the same conversation would have occurred, however we all know that this will likely not stop.

I told him that he should not be doing this, period. However I'm no dummy (nor is he) and we all know it's likely this won't be the last time. I told him straight up - this does NOT happen again on the school tablet. That if he's caught doing it again on ANY tablet/phone/computer he's in MAJOR trouble. That he does NOT, EVER, share photos with his buddies or on the internet. That any such photos will be deleted immediately (and I mean IMMEDIATELY). And that, IF this continues (which I imagine it will... sigh) do NOT include his face or any other identifying features (backgrounds, etc.). I also strongly suggested he speak to this girl, and any other subsequent girls (again, sigh) about including their faces in their own pictures.

FYI, I'm in Canada, and there's been rumblings of changing these laws so that they don't apply to minors who are sharing photos with other minors, re: child pornography, and frankly, I agree. There are other laws that are applicable in cases like this, and slapping a 14 year old with child porn charges is silly. It's the sharing or posting of these photos that's the real issue, and I'm confident (though not 100%) that my stepson would not. However, as this girl, or any others, might not be so trustworthy, I spoke to him sternly about the photos HE'S sending, and to NOT send anything that can identify him to others.

Frankly, this sucks, because you can't stop this type of thing from happening, especially with him being a boy. Girls are a little easier to scare about this type of thing. The repercussions that can occur from a girl having these pictures exposed or shared are worse.

*ETA - I just discovered that I can disable the camera entirely on the iPad, and have it password-protected so he can't re-enable it. Problem solved (for now).


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## EnjoliWoman

I was in this situation although I didn't see the photos; my daughter told me about them. I contacted the boy's mother. I figured if I went to the school they would be obligated to report it as child porn and I didn't want to ruin the boy's life, just make an impression.

I found the family on facebook and sent a message. I got a response very quickly and was thanked profusely and he got his phone taken away for many months. It was pretty awkard seeing him when I chaperoned a school trip but being an adult means handling awkward situations with grace.

As a mother, I would want to know and I wouldn't want law enforcement involved. Kids make poor choices and it's up to us to guide them and I'd rather do it without shame, but more logically - how this can ruin their future, their reputation, college admission, etc. all while NOT impeding natural sexual development.


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## gouge_away

alexm said:


> I'm not terribly concerned with the legal aspects of it, ALTHOUGH, that was one of the first things I spoke to him about when I told him what I saw.
> 
> I'm also not overly concerned with him sharing photos with his buddies, though again, that was one of the first things I mentioned to him.
> 
> Now, I might be naive (aren't all parents of teenagers?) but this is what they do now, and there's no stopping it. We can impress upon them the importance of NOT doing this, and why, but it goes over their heads for the most part. I'm not even mad about him doing this (though I'm not impressed), but I AM angry at him for doing this on a tablet that belongs to his school, that is for school-use only, and that can be taken back by them at any point. And the parent in me is coming out as I'm even less impressed that some girl he knows is sending photos of herself that include her face. SHE should know better.
> 
> That said, if this was on his own personal tablet, the same conversation would have occurred, however we all know that this will likely not stop.
> 
> I told him that he should not be doing this, period. However I'm no dummy (nor is he) and we all know it's likely this won't be the last time. I told him straight up - this does NOT happen again on the school tablet. That if he's caught doing it again on ANY tablet/phone/computer he's in MAJOR trouble. That he does NOT, EVER, share photos with his buddies or on the internet. That any such photos will be deleted immediately (and I mean IMMEDIATELY). And that, IF this continues (which I imagine it will... sigh) do NOT include his face or any other identifying features (backgrounds, etc.). I also strongly suggested he speak to this girl, and any other subsequent girls (again, sigh) about including their faces in their own pictures.
> 
> FYI, I'm in Canada, and there's been rumblings of changing these laws so that they don't apply to minors who are sharing photos with other minors, re: child pornography, and frankly, I agree. There are other laws that are applicable in cases like this, and slapping a 14 year old with child porn charges is silly. It's the sharing or posting of these photos that's the real issue, and I'm confident (though not 100%) that my stepson would not. However, as this girl, or any others, might not be so trustworthy, I spoke to him sternly about the photos HE'S sending, and to NOT send anything that can identify him to others.
> 
> Frankly, this sucks, because you can't stop this type of thing from happening, especially with him being a boy. Girls are a little easier to scare about this type of thing. The repercussions that can occur from a girl having these pictures exposed or shared are worse.
> 
> *ETA - I just discovered that I can disable the camera entirely on the iPad, and have it password-protected so he can't re-enable it. Problem solved (for now).


Um, you can stop it, control your child, a young girl is being objectified, you are, as his father and head of that household, 100% responsible.


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## EnjoliWoman

Uh, the girl is 50% responsible. They exchanged photos.


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## Mr.Fisty

Teens really do not know better. Some do, especially ones who had to mature faster to a certain extent.

A neuro scientist once said, that parents will have to act as the rational, logical side to their children.

Teens might start looking closer to adults, but they lack the brain in most cases to make the correct decisions.

As for what I would do, I would let the school handle it. Let the school contact the girl's parent, they are responsible for her.

Negative consequences are a good learning tool for your son as well. He is going to make mistakes, and he has to accept the full consequences of those mistakes. It will help mature him faster. Good way to learn impulse control and think before you do.


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## alexm

gouge_away said:


> Um, you can stop it, control your child, a young girl is being objectified, you are, as his father and head of that household, 100% responsible.


I can stop it by taking away his tablet or computer FOREVER, sure.

I have parental controls set up on his devices (2 tablets and one desktop PC), but the reality is that he is usually one step ahead of me and has ways around these things.

I can talk to him until I'm blue in the face about the dangers of this or that, the repercussions of his actions, etc. but he's 14 years old and is invincible, just like we all were at that age.

Frankly speaking, at home, with our/his devices, it's easy enough. Disable the wifi, take the computer or tablet away. Done and done.

In this day and age, students at his school require iPads for "learning purposes". His mother and I thought this was ridiculous from the get-go, and abjectly refused to drop $400 on one. Therefore the school gives him a loaner for the year. We can't escape it. He, like most of the students his age, are routinely playing games on these things, taking pictures in class, iChatting, whatever. What do they expect? It's idiotic.

We get notes coming home or emails from the teachers saying your son was caught playing games on his iPad in class. Okay. And what can we do? Take it away? Tried that. They give him ANOTHER LOANER the next day for class use.

At home, he is not supposed to use the iPad unless it's for school use/homework. So he uses it for this, but at the same time he's chatting with his buddies. We can't sit there every night for 1-2 hours looking over his shoulder while he does his work.

It's a rock and a hard place. We do the best we can, but like my generation, and my parents generation, they find ways around things and they push the envelope. With this particular issue, they are required to have an iPad. We can't even take the damn thing away. They just give him another one the next day.


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## gouge_away

I'd amass hundreds of iPads, muwahahaha!

I wonder if the schools run spyware and record or view your children in realtime?


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## alexm

gouge_away said:


> I'd amass hundreds of iPads, muwahahaha!
> 
> I wonder if the schools run spyware and record or view your children in realtime?


Doubt it very much, they'd have a tough time finding the resources for that (though they sure have the $$$ to buy iPads...)

The whole thing is just idiotic. I mean, what do they expect a bunch of high school kids to be doing with iPads? Actual work? Our kids have awful handwriting as it is, so let's take pens and pencils away from them. We have a a bunch of kids who don't know what the inside of a library looks like, who's idea of "research" is Google, and who can't write worth s***.

But let's make them sign a document at the beginning of the year agreeing to the guidelines of proper iPad usage during school hours. That'll let them know they're not supposed to be chatting and playing games and taking pictures of the teacher during class time. I would HATE to be a teacher these days. Couldn't pay me enough.

Rant over!


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
Unfortunately the law is insane. If you report this in any way (as you are probably legally required to do) you risk setting in motion a terribly destructive set of events - as someone mentioned, possibly including felony charges.

My (unoffical) advice is. Destroy the pictures. Talk to your son. Explain just how insane the law has become. That YOU personally could go to jail if he does this again, and the he could get a record for the rest of his life. You can find lots on the the web to back that up.

Teenagers are sexual - you can't change that, just try to educate them to be safe. These days though, exchanging naked pictures is about the most unsafe thing they can do. They would get in less trouble for having an orgy after hours in the school cafeteria than for sending naked pictures. 

Explain to him what a police state is like - it may be valuable experience for the future.


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## gouge_away

We have a saying here in America, "the problem isn't the kids, its the parents." Kick some a$s!

I'm not saying this is your fault, but this is your child, you are responsible for your child, unless of course your child rules the house.


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## Anon Pink

Call the girls parents and explain their daughter and your son exchanged naked selfies. You simply say:

"This is a very difficult call for me to make. I'm making this call because as a parent, I would want to receive this call. My son and your daughter have exchanged naked selfies. Your daughter has included her face and I just thought you should know. Be assured we have deleted the pictures and set his IPad back to factory reset. Your daughters pictures are well and truly gone."

Do not give advice, do not admit that you have seen the pictures. Just give the facts and end the call with an apology on behalf of your son.

Two girls in my daughters grade sent dozens of naked selfies to select boys they were interested in. The pics made their rounds among the various sports teams and as a joke someone cropped one of the pics so the girls face wasn't in it and sent it to the girls brother. He did not know it was his sister. They continued to crop and send and collected his comments and then sent him the pics that included her face. The boy went ballistic, as you can imagine, beat some kids up, got kicked off the teams and expelled and the parents pulled the girl out of school.

This is a major sh!t storm brewing quietly because no parent wants to admit their daughter sent naked selfies! But it is wide spread and only when parents report to others, as in that village, will our stupid kids stop being dangerously stupid!


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## alexm

Some of this is starting to scare me...

I know full well the seriousness of this, which is why we sat down and spoke with him (without anger or guilt) and explained to him HOW serious this could potentially be. He's actually a pretty good kid, but we both know that he's a horny teenager, and has this technology in his hands every day.

I don't think he fully realized the possible legal implications of this until I explained it to him, and how this could come back to US, not just him.

So apart from the legalities, we sat down and told him that this is not to be done again, and that we will be monitoring his tablet and computer more often than we already have. If caught again, he will be in big big trouble.

That said, his mother and I realize that this will likely happen again. Maybe not soon, but it will. It's not that we have no faith in the kid, it's that we know full well that teenagers, with all their raging hormones and general stupidity tend to not listen. We were there once. As scary as my father could be, I still repeatedly did things I was told not to, regardless of the punishment. It's standard teenage thinking, unfortunately. "I got caught last time, so if I do it differently this time, I'll get away with it." Wash, rinse, repeat.

The likelihood that he repeats this when given an opportunity is high. In this case, he had a willing partner to swap pictures with. When that happens again, what's he going to do? Tell her "no thanks, don't send me pictures of your boobs"?

We have NO idea who initiated this picture swapping, but we DO know that this girl was a willing participant (or the initiator) and that she had no problem including her face in the pictures. At the very least, our kid did not include his face... so there's that.

So we left it like this:

- the iPad is for school use only, during school hours, otherwise it's under lock and key at home
- the camera has been disabled and password protected. This also disables iChat or Facetime or whatever
- we have identified the girl, though he doesn't know this yet
- she lives in the U.S. (we're in Canada), and they met on a cruise we took a few months ago and swapped contact info
- my wife is seriously considering contacting her father, though I'm not so sure now...
- I took the webcam away from his desktop PC
- he now only has access to his personal tablet (a Samsung), which will be monitored daily

And finally, we told him he is NOT to do this again, that he will be a dead man if he does, however, IF (and at great personal risk to him...) he does do it again, that he not include ANY identifying features in any picture he sends, face, background, anything. And furthermore, any pictures he may receive from this girl, or any others in the future, he deletes immediately, ESPECIALLY if their face is in the picture.

I have also scoured his two tablets and his desktop PC to ensure there are no trace of these photos, or any others, "saved for later". I found nothing, however he is quite computer savvy (as am I), so he may have hidden files somewhere that I missed.

The trickiest thing with all of this is getting it across to him that it's child pornography in the eyes of the law. To HIM, it's not, and I can totally understand that. This girl is the same age as him. She's not under age to HIM. It's getting it across to him that any naked pictures of under age girls or boys is child pornography, regardless of who's device it's on, and who's use it's for.

And telling him that all it takes is for somebody to get access to his tablet or PC (which has happened, as he lets his friends use his computer, and it's not difficult for a classmate to grab his tablet) and discover these photos and distribute them, means little to him, as it does most kids his age. It's just the generation they live in, where this is normal behaviour, despite being told over and over and over again by parents, schools, and even governments, that it's highly risky and often illegal.


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## gouge_away

alexm said:


> Some of this is starting to scare me...
> 
> I know full well the seriousness of this, which is why we sat down and spoke with him (without anger or guilt) and explained to him HOW serious this could potentially be. He's actually a pretty good kid, but we both know that he's a horny teenager, and has this technology in his hands every day.
> 
> I don't think he fully realized the possible legal implications of this until I explained it to him, and how this could come back to US, not just him.
> 
> So apart from the legalities, we sat down and told him that this is not to be done again, and that we will be monitoring his tablet and computer more often than we already have. If caught again, he will be in big big trouble.
> 
> That said, his mother and I realize that this will likely happen again. Maybe not soon, but it will. It's not that we have no faith in the kid, it's that we know full well that teenagers, with all their raging hormones and general stupidity tend to not listen. We were there once. As scary as my father could be, I still repeatedly did things I was told not to, regardless of the punishment. It's standard teenage thinking, unfortunately. "I got caught last time, so if I do it differently this time, I'll get away with it." Wash, rinse, repeat.
> 
> The likelihood that he repeats this when given an opportunity is high. In this case, he had a willing partner to swap pictures with. When that happens again, what's he going to do? Tell her "no thanks, don't send me pictures of your boobs"?
> 
> We have NO idea who initiated this picture swapping, but we DO know that this girl was a willing participant (or the initiator) and that she had no problem including her face in the pictures. At the very least, our kid did not include his face... so there's that.
> 
> So we left it like this:
> 
> - the iPad is for school use only, during school hours, otherwise it's under lock and key at home
> - the camera has been disabled and password protected. This also disables iChat or Facetime or whatever
> - we have identified the girl, though he doesn't know this yet
> - she lives in the U.S. (we're in Canada), and they met on a cruise we took a few months ago and swapped contact info
> - my wife is seriously considering contacting her father, though I'm not so sure now...
> - I took the webcam away from his desktop PC
> - he now only has access to his personal tablet (a Samsung), which will be monitored daily
> 
> And finally, we told him he is NOT to do this again, that he will be a dead man if he does, however, IF (and at great personal risk to him...) he does do it again, that he not include ANY identifying features in any picture he sends, face, background, anything. And furthermore, any pictures he may receive from this girl, or any others in the future, he deletes immediately, ESPECIALLY if their face is in the picture.
> 
> I have also scoured his two tablets and his desktop PC to ensure there are no trace of these photos, or any others, "saved for later". I found nothing, however he is quite computer savvy (as am I), so he may have hidden files somewhere that I missed.
> 
> The trickiest thing with all of this is getting it across to him that it's child pornography in the eyes of the law. To HIM, it's not, and I can totally understand that. This girl is the same age as him. She's not under age to HIM. It's getting it across to him that any naked pictures of under age girls or boys is child pornography, regardless of who's device it's on, and who's use it's for.
> 
> And telling him that all it takes is for somebody to get access to his tablet or PC (which has happened, as he lets his friends use his computer, and it's not difficult for a classmate to grab his tablet) and discover these photos and distribute them, means little to him, as it does most kids his age. It's just the generation they live in, where this is normal behaviour, despite being told over and over and over again by parents, schools, and even governments, that it's highly risky and often illegal.


Yes, telling teenagers "to stop doing" what they already know is wrong, accomplishes absolutely nothing.

You came here for advice, and not a single person suggested you have a solemn one to one talk with your child.

Consequences.

Like, when he is 18, they wont waste time repeating what he already knows. They will destroy him with consequences.

You said yourself, you expect it to happen again, luckily your only responsible for him another 4 years.


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## gouge_away

BTW, this is far from over, if those pictures ever do get found, she will want the authorities to know who she sent them to so they can stop/prevent any further distribution.

In the US child sex crimes are am automatic felony, done on school property doubles it to 2 felonies, that's 4 years prison, child sexual predictors have the lowest life expectancy in our prison system.

If it were my boy, he would be spending his summer vacation in a boot camp.


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## ScrambledEggs

alexm said:


> I'm not terribly concerned with the legal aspects of it, ALTHOUGH, that was one of the first things I spoke to him about when I told him what I saw.).


Not sure if being in Canada makes a difference but I would take the legal risk of this very seriously. 

Purge the tablet with a hard reset. When you do a factory reset of the iOS device the encryption keys are purged and all data is then unrecoverable. If school has to set it back up, just tell them it was reset my mistake or whatever. Seriously, the chance of a problem might be small but the consequences are life changing for your entire family. Just don't risk it.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
The problem is that what he did isn't really that bad. Honestly if the technology had existed when I was going up, I wouldn't have turned down naked pictures of my girlfriend.

Its the LAW that is completely off the curve here. The real teaching moment may be that the law isn't always sensible, but you have to follow it anyway - the consequences are just too dire if you do not.


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## alexm

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> The problem is that what he did isn't really that bad. Honestly if the technology had existed when I was going up, I wouldn't have turned down naked pictures of my girlfriend.
> 
> Its the LAW that is completely off the curve here. The real teaching moment may be that the law isn't always sensible, but you have to follow it anyway - the consequences are just too dire if you do not.


This is what we said to him. I even told him I don't expect HIM to understand it, after all, he AND she are both under the age of 18, so for them, it's not child porn.

I want to clarify that, although my wife and I are obviously not happy about this thing happening (and we did warn him about this type of thing many times in the past so he has no excuse), we are more upset that he used his school-owned tablet to do it.

Regardless, he is not to do it again, on his tablet, computer, somebody else's tablet or phone, anywhere.

We did sit him down - as throwing the book at him for a first offense is not our style - and explained in great detail how and why this could devastate not just him, but us, his friend, and her parents as well. At the very least, he would be expelled from his school. At worst, we could have the police knocking on our door and asking US questions, not just him.

He gets it. He's being monitored now (daily checking of his tablet). The school tablet is off limits outside of school hours (we take full responsibility for allowing that one by us...). The camera and chat apps on that tablet are disabled and password protected. And I have just installed remote monitoring (of the parental variety, not the CIA kind) on his personal tablet.

His entire life at the moment is his computer, PC gaming, and Youtube. He has other things he does (sports, though he's not keen on it) and we force him outside or he often comes with us when we go out, but he'd die without his computer or tablet.

These are the things that go bye-bye if he keeps this up, and he knows it. If he has to learn the hard way, he will. But as parents, we believe very strongly in not throwing him into a hole on the first offense.

My mantra for several years with him has been "if you have to say sorry for the same thing twice, you're not sorry, but you will be".


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## Anonymous07

Did you talk to the girls parents? I do think you need to do that, so that she can be protected as well. It's awkward, but should be done.


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## phillybeffandswiss

> FYI, I'm in Canada, and there's been rumblings of changing these laws so that they don't apply to minors who are sharing photos with other minors, re: child pornography, and frankly, I agree. There are other laws that are applicable in cases like this, and slapping a 14 year old with child porn charges is silly. It's the sharing or posting of these photos that's the real issue, and I'm confident (though not 100%) that my stepson would not. However, as this girl, or any others, might not be so trustworthy, I spoke to him sternly about the photos HE'S sending, and to NOT send anything that can identify him to others.


Well, I hope they do because Canada is actually uglier than the states with these laws.


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## alexm

Anonymous07 said:


> Did you talk to the girls parents? I do think you need to do that, so that she can be protected as well. It's awkward, but should be done.


It's in discussion.

We know it's the right thing to do, however there are several things we need to consider here, unfortunately. That's just the landscape we live in these days.

First of all, this girl lives in the U.S. and we're in Canada. This is an online thing. (and yes, we've verified she's real, and not some 35 year old man). Through Facebook, we have identified who her father is (she appears to live with him and her stepmother, so no biological mother around that we can see). It sounds silly, but it's a good bet that he would be very protective of her and her reputation, and may not take too kindly to strangers informing him that his daughter is sending racy pictures to our son - or more likely that HE is sending photos to HER...

In essence, we are concerned with how he would react, and the possibilities of what he could do - to his daughter, to my son, to us, etc. We simply don't know these people, and not everybody is receptive to things like this. I would imagine it's extremely easy for a father (or mother) of a young teenage girl to put all the blame on the other party. And it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility that SHE will turn on our son and claim some sort of pressure to send pictures or something.

Furthermore, we have no idea how this all went down in the first place. It certainly appears to be an entirely mutual exchange of photos, but the bottom line is, we don't know. He covered his tracks by deleting messages (the photos got saved, however, which is how I caught him). For all we know, he pressured her into this, and if she has these messages saved on her end, then he/we are in trouble.

If we send him a Facebook message (the only way we'd be able to contact him) he would know our names, our son, and all kinds of other things. His daughter likely still has these photos on her computer or tablet, and who knows what he could do with them. And because we have no trace of the messages, only the photos, we can make no claim, or have any proof, that he did not coerce her.

We trust our son to know better than to coerce or pressure girls to do this kind of thing, but the bottom line is that he's 14 and raging with hormones, and boundaries at that age are already extremely low to begin with. He's a good kid, but we only have his word that he did not pressure her in any way.

That said, this girl knows that he got busted and her picture was seen by his step dad. And he knows that he is being monitored even more heavily than before. If it happens again - which will be extremely difficult to begin with - he knows that we have the power and authority to end whatever type of relationship he has with her. She doesn't live anywhere near us, so there's no contact other than online. And because we control the internet in this house, he knows he'll never talk to her again (or at least for a long long time. Long enough for her to get a local boyfriend and forget all about him).

I want to make this very clear - if this was a local girl, her parents would know about this, preferably in person or over the phone, and very likely with our son present so he can learn some humility. Believe it or not, we trust our son has not shared these photos with anybody else. I have spent much more time than I'd like scouring through his computer and tablet, reading all messages and chats and emails, and have found no mention at all from any of his friends in regards to this girl, let alone pictures of her. We know that he has typical 14 year old boy boundaries and hormones, but we also believe very strongly that he knows right from wrong, especially in cases like this. He's no braggart, and he does seem to respect girls, at least more than others his age.

*ETA, this whole ordeal has weighed heavily on me. As one can imagine, there are images that you just don't want to see of your child (even a stepchild), especially at such a young age. And this isn't even mentioning the images I saw of a 15 year old girl, which I would kill to erase from my brain. It's been very difficult to not take this route with the kid, as I AM angry, but not entirely for the reasons HE thinks I am. Basically I'm angry that I've seen these photos, period. I can't unsee them. Like most kids, you accidentally see your parents naked (or worse!), or maybe hear them late at night... It's usually rather traumatic, but also fairly common and normal. This is 100x worse, let me tell you. But it's also inevitable, usually. I was caught (more than once) with girls when I was a teenager. Not as young as 14, mind you, but all the same. Maybe it would be different if he and this girl were 17, I don't know. All I DO know is that when *I* was 14, the most I ever did with a girl was hold hands.


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## ConanHub

Contact the father and have a man to man talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

P.S. Tell your son to knock that shyt off! Kids can be stupid but need the correction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away

alexm said:


> It's in discussion.
> 
> We know it's the right thing to do, however there are several things we need to consider here, unfortunately. That's just the landscape we live in these days.
> 
> First of all, this girl lives in the U.S. and we're in Canada. This is an online thing. (and yes, we've verified she's real, and not some 35 year old man). Through Facebook, we have identified who her father is (she appears to live with him and her stepmother, so no biological mother around that we can see). It sounds silly, but it's a good bet that he would be very protective of her and her reputation, and may not take too kindly to strangers informing him that his daughter is sending racy pictures to our son - or more likely that HE is sending photos to HER...
> 
> In essence, we are concerned with how he would react, and the possibilities of what he could do - to his daughter, to my son, to us, etc. We simply don't know these people, and not everybody is receptive to things like this. I would imagine it's extremely easy for a father (or mother) of a young teenage girl to put all the blame on the other party. And it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility that SHE will turn on our son and claim some sort of pressure to send pictures or something.
> 
> Furthermore, we have no idea how this all went down in the first place. It certainly appears to be an entirely mutual exchange of photos, but the bottom line is, we don't know. He covered his tracks by deleting messages (the photos got saved, however, which is how I caught him). For all we know, he pressured her into this, and if she has these messages saved on her end, then he/we are in trouble.
> 
> If we send him a Facebook message (the only way we'd be able to contact him) he would know our names, our son, and all kinds of other things. His daughter likely still has these photos on her computer or tablet, and who knows what he could do with them. And because we have no trace of the messages, only the photos, we can make no claim, or have any proof, that he did not coerce her.
> 
> We trust our son to know better than to coerce or pressure girls to do this kind of thing, but the bottom line is that he's 14 and raging with hormones, and boundaries at that age are already extremely low to begin with. He's a good kid, but we only have his word that he did not pressure her in any way.
> 
> That said, this girl knows that he got busted and her picture was seen by his step dad. And he knows that he is being monitored even more heavily than before. If it happens again - which will be extremely difficult to begin with - he knows that we have the power and authority to end whatever type of relationship he has with her. She doesn't live anywhere near us, so there's no contact other than online. And because we control the internet in this house, he knows he'll never talk to her again (or at least for a long long time. Long enough for her to get a local boyfriend and forget all about him).
> 
> I want to make this very clear - if this was a local girl, her parents would know about this, preferably in person or over the phone, and very likely with our son present so he can learn some humility. Believe it or not, we trust our son has not shared these photos with anybody else. I have spent much more time than I'd like scouring through his computer and tablet, reading all messages and chats and emails, and have found no mention at all from any of his friends in regards to this girl, let alone pictures of her. We know that he has typical 14 year old boy boundaries and hormones, but we also believe very strongly that he knows right from wrong, especially in cases like this. He's no braggart, and he does seem to respect girls, at least more than others his age.
> 
> *ETA, this whole ordeal has weighed heavily on me. As one can imagine, there are images that you just don't want to see of your child (even a stepchild), especially at such a young age. And this isn't even mentioning the images I saw of a 15 year old girl, which I would kill to erase from my brain. It's been very difficult to not take this route with the kid, as I AM angry, but not entirely for the reasons HE thinks I am. Basically I'm angry that I've seen these photos, period. I can't unsee them. Like most kids, you accidentally see your parents naked (or worse!), or maybe hear them late at night... It's usually rather traumatic, but also fairly common and normal. This is 100x worse, let me tell you. But it's also inevitable, usually. I was caught (more than once) with girls when I was a teenager. Not as young as 14, mind you, but all the same. Maybe it would be different if he and this girl were 17, I don't know. All I DO know is that when *I* was 14, the most I ever did with a girl was hold hands.


If your son didn't pay traceable currency for the exchange, or threaten this girl, their is no enticement. She willingly exchanged the images without any expectations upon receipt.

The big issue I see is if your son exchanged these images with anybody else, friends, other online friends, or has he saved these images anywhere else, cloud storage, email account.
*Because that will fVck you!*


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## ILoveSparkles

I'd talk to a lawyer before doing anything. The fact that you saw the daughter in racy photos could be turned around on YOU as a predator or something by her parents. 

What happens if this girl keeps sending other pictures of herself to your son and you come across them during your daily checks? You see them. You need to protect yourself because you are an adult man who saw inappropriate pictures of an underage female. I don't think international borders mean much in this case. You need to make sure you are protected before you talk to the girls parents. They could turn this around onto you and claim you are into child pornography, even though you are not.

Isn't there a way to block specific people/numbers on an iPad?


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## alexm

Yes said:


> I'd talk to a lawyer before doing anything. The fact that you saw the daughter in racy photos could be turned around on YOU as a predator or something by her parents.
> 
> What happens if this girl keeps sending other pictures of herself to your son and you come across them during your daily checks? You see them. You need to protect yourself because you are an adult man who saw inappropriate pictures of an underage female. I don't think international borders mean much in this case. You need to make sure you are protected before you talk to the girls parents. They could turn this around onto you and claim you are into child pornography, even though you are not.
> 
> Isn't there a way to block specific people/numbers on an iPad?


This is exactly what I explained to him, and in no uncertain terms. Believe you me, he would MUCH rather I had not seen them, and he's creeped out by it almost as much as I am.

Given that he now knows we are not kidding around with monitoring his activities on a daily basis, I do not believe this will happen again, at least until he is old enough to work and pay for his own cell phone. There is not one piece of internet-enabled equipment that he has access to currently that we do not.

He is also very aware that we now have zero tolerance for this. Given that this girl lives nowhere near us, their only contact is through the internet - which WE control. If it happens again, he will not be able to have any contact with her whatsoever, which is a risk he is not willing to take.

As for having these pictures anywhere else, it does not appear so. I've scoured his electronic devices head to toe, his email (he has 3...) iCloud, you name it. And thoroughly.

As for no contact with this girl, that's a slippery slope. Parenting is not as easy as bringing down the hammer every single time, even when it's relatively serious. If we take away his freedoms, he will resent us big time, especially when it comes to a girl.


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## WonkyNinja

alexm said:


> It's in discussion.
> 
> We know it's the right thing to do, however there are several things we need to consider here, unfortunately. That's just the landscape we live in these days.
> 
> First of all, this girl lives in the U.S. and we're in Canada. This is an online thing. (and yes, we've verified she's real, and not some 35 year old man). Through Facebook, we have identified who her father is (she appears to live with him and her stepmother, so no biological mother around that we can see). It sounds silly, but it's a good bet that he would be very protective of her and her reputation, and may not take too kindly to strangers informing him that his daughter is sending racy pictures to our son - or more likely that HE is sending photos to HER...
> 
> In essence, we are concerned with how he would react, and the possibilities of what he could do - to his daughter, to my son, to us, etc. We simply don't know these people, and not everybody is receptive to things like this. I would imagine it's extremely easy for a father (or mother) of a young teenage girl to put all the blame on the other party. And it's certainly not out of the realm of possibility that SHE will turn on our son and claim some sort of pressure to send pictures or something.
> 
> Furthermore, we have no idea how this all went down in the first place. It certainly appears to be an entirely mutual exchange of photos, but the bottom line is, we don't know. He covered his tracks by deleting messages (the photos got saved, however, which is how I caught him). For all we know, he pressured her into this, and if she has these messages saved on her end, then he/we are in trouble.
> 
> If we send him a Facebook message (the only way we'd be able to contact him) he would know our names, our son, and all kinds of other things. His daughter likely still has these photos on her computer or tablet, and who knows what he could do with them. And because we have no trace of the messages, only the photos, we can make no claim, or have any proof, that he did not coerce her.


Speaking as a father to a teenage girl I would definitely want to know. He may go ballistic with her but she needs it to stop her doing it again. This time she hasn't got into trouble but next time not so lucky, assuming that they aren't already up on a revenge website somewhere.

If these photos were taken or stored on any device that can be classed as "in his possession" he could face felony charges if they get out.

There have been a couple of instances similar to this at my daughters school and I've made it clear that if she ever gets a photo and brings it into my house she's in more trouble than she can even imagine.

It's easy to say all kids are doing it but that doesn't absolve us parents of the responsibility of stopping it. If he gets angry at you for bringing it to his attention then he's an idiot.


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## turnera

I caught my DD doing that with a real loser of a guy who got moved out of state and talked her into sending him stuff. I took her privileges away for a good long while, I informed her I'd be checking sporadically and continuously, to help her learn better control.

But I also helped her visualize what he might do with the pictures, who back here might get hold of them if he decided to be a jerk and spread them around. At the time, he liked her, and was being decent about it. But like I said, he's a loser, and she quickly saw my point. I guess it's different for a girl, because when she realized the kids at school might all be seeing them, she was horrified. It was the last time she ever did that.

Morality won't get to them by that age, but thinking about her reputation did.


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## ToothFairy

It seems like you have very low expectations of your son.." He's horny".. "he's probably going to do this again."

This is NOT the norm to be expected. Set higher expectations and make sure he meets them or there are consequences.


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## Openminded

Is your son's bio dad in the picture (and have to be consulted)?


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