# Miscarriage two years ago and my insensitivity (Advice please)



## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for a bit over 3 years now. We are both 32. For the past two years, her sexual desire has gradually reduced to nothing. I had tried several ways to uncover the problem, first thinking that it was just related to something like technique, then assuming she had stopped finding me attractive, to feeling that she may not love me anymore. As you can imagine, over the past two years, the relationship has also slowly been losing its positive side, and moving more and more towards feelings of hopelessness for both of us. A few weeks ago, my wife confessed that she had been having feelings for another man, a new coworker of hers. Later, I deduced and asked her if she had been secretly communicating with him outside of work (text messages). She had. She's started an emotional affair. I got dramatic...I took my ring off and put it in front of her. I never take my ring off. 

Anyway, I don't want to digress too far, since it will muddy up the point of this. In the simplest terms, our marriage is failing, and I didn't know why. Now I know one huge reason. 

Two years ago, my wife complained that her period was late. Some blood, but not the right amount. She mentioned something to me about one of her ovaries possibly having late timing. We had no plans for children at that point, so I started to feel a bit uneasy. We took a road-trip down to my parents house for Christmas, and things carried on as normal until we got to my parents house, and she started to get a fever and cold-type symptoms. It turns out the vent in the room we were staying in wasn't blowing any hot air (we didn't know this until after we went home), so the room was like a fridge. My wife mentioned that she was probably getting sick because of the cold. She still hadn't had her period yet, and it was over a week late now, so she thought she might be pregnant. In the end, her fever got pretty high, and she had a miscarriage, but wasn't sure that it was a miscarriage, though she voiced her concerns to me. I said the worst thing I could have, "From now on, we'll have to be sure to use a condom everytime." She gets nauseous from birth control pills, and we had been using condoms fairly consistently, but not all the time.

We didn't talk anymore about this for these past two years, other than her complaining that my parents didn't even notice that the room was freezing that Christmas. 

Back to the present: This week, after some fallout conversations from her communicating with the other guy, she put two and two together, connecting the miscarriage and my insensitivity to her lack of sex drive toward me. This completely broadsided me, so I finally read up on miscarriages, what it means, how it happens, and symptoms. I feel like the biggest bastard that ever was. It was like in my head, a miscarriage didn't actually mean you had lost a baby unless you were far along in a pregnancy. I didn't even realize we had made a child together that Christmas. It's no wonder she doesn't look at me sexually at all anymore. She told me that she feels like if we had a baby, even now, she would have to raise it all on her own. This isn't true, but she feels that way very deeply because of the way I reacted (or didn't really react at all) to the emotional trauma she experienced. 

I love my wife, and I want out marriage to work, but I feel like this may be too much to get over. We've talked openly about it, and I've apologized many many times, and let her know that it would be perfectly normal for her to hate me. We're at an impasse and we don't know what to do next. Are there things in marriage you can't recover from? What's wrong with me that I wasn't there for her? Why didn't I trust her instincts that it was a miscarriage? Why couldn't I see/feel/hear how deeply it was affecting her? What can I possibly do now, when all I feel is guilt and anger at myself?

I know I'm an easy target. I know that. I'm just hoping there will be some constructive responses, because whatever a marriage needs, I don't seem to have the tools to do it right.

If you want more information about our situation, please ask, and I will do my best to clarify and fill in as needed.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Has she voiced why she has felt less attracted to you, and why she felt so hopeless in the marriage that she had a EA?


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Over the past two years, I had been asking her "why don't you want to have sex with me? Is it just me, or sex in general?" She never really had an answer to any of it until this past week, when she connected the miscarriage to it. Now, sex is connected to a baby that I won't help her with, and the isolation she felt during the miscarriage...something along those lines. I don't think she even clearly understands on a conscious level. 

As for the EA, it's related to her feeling that I'm not a person who's always on her side, and the guy was very kind and understanding with her.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

YEAH...you have something to work with...she's given you some insight into what she is feeling/thinking.

The insensitivity for the possible miscarriage was wrong, and it was wise (when you found out) for you to apologize when you found how you hurt her. Most women want children, and when they feel internally that their life-partner appears to not be the "father" material...it is very devastating. 

We also have VERY good memories...and when problems in the relationship are not resolved, they only grow larger and deeper over time.

Her EA is wrong. No matter how rocky your marriage is, that kind of behavior is inappropriate. Yet her statement that he is more "kind and understanding" is telling about her heart towards you at the moment. I do not know you...and please take this from a strangers perspective, but she may not feel loved by you.

How does she respond to you when you have disaggreements? Does she voice her opinion openly and freely, or does she seem to be more passive?

To rebuild your marriage it will take ALOT of work/time/pain/tears from you. It will take you having a new and deep compassion for her and how she feels. You will have to learn a different way of communicating. 

It might be good for you to seek out a counselor, someone who can talk to you, give perspective on the situation, and help you become the best version of YOU possible. You cannot change her, make her want to repair the marriage...but you can change yourself.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Thank you larnie. I still can't quite feel hopeful, mostly because my wife and I are discussing this as I type and read...let's say her reactions are keeping my expectations realistic. 

In disagreements, she is very open and honest. I typically stonewall her at some point when the argument has gone on long enough though (I call them arguments, she says they're not). They never seem to end. But that could be because she's looking for something from me that I'm not giving her.

She has agreed to go to counseling, but doesn't feel that it will help her. She said she'll go for my benefit. In that case, I wonder if I should go by myself. I just feel like the counselor should hear her side of the story...sometimes I gloss over some things because I don't want to look bad. If she were there, she wouldn't let me do that  Is it important to go to counseling as a couple or can it work with just one half of the couple?


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Counseling in and of its self is just a tool. For some people that use it right, and have the right person...it can do wonders for their marriage. For others, it could be delaying the inevitable. 

Is your wife interested in reconciliation? Is this EA over? Is she willing to work on what SHE is doing wrong as well, or is this all about your issues?

It takes two to make it work, and it took two to bring the marriage to where it is now. If she is truly hurt, but still loves you and wants this to work...her emotions/reactions will be all over the board. Just focus on what you can control...and that is you...your reactions/emotions (etc). 

Don't rush right now, searching for the million dollar answer that will solve everything. Relationships are extremely complex at times...especially when there is alot of pain under the surface...be prepared for this to take awhile.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

So I talked to my wife about the EA, and she agreed to break it off. She said she felt guilty for using both me and the EA guy. She said she needed to break it off face-to-face though, which got my hackles up a bit, and I told her so. But I decided to trust her. If she's so far gone that she'll go to this guy after one meeting (the EA has been limited to texting), then it wasn't meant to be anyway. 

Since things have gotten so bad, it's impossible for me to know what things I should have control over, and what is best to surrender to. In the end, I want her to be happy, even if it's without me, so I'm very conflicted inside about wanting to tell her to stay with me and giving her the freedom to make the right decisions for her, no matter what they might be.

Anyway, she said she'd be back in three hours. That's 11am PST. I sent her a text saying "Please remember us. I don't want to lose you." and now I regret sending it...I never know the right thing to say. 

Three hours to break something off cleanly...I'm worried she'll finally open up to him about us, which she hasn't so far.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

You need to protect yourself emotionally. If it was an EA over "just texting"...than it should have been a break-up over text. I'm sorry...I tend to be a little harsh when it comes to cheating.

Just take care of yourself. Find a way to put up some emotionally boundaries, and yet still be in the situation. Time will tell...but just be careful.


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

Your post made me want to cry. It must have been devastating.
You _BOTH_ lost a child, you have to deal with that. I am blessed with 3 beautiful children. And stories such as yours just breaks my heart.
You were married... Is there any reason having a child alarmed you so much?
Maybe your wife is worried about having another "accident", worried about your reaction. Maybe she took your lack of response personally. Like you don't want to have her children. To me, family is the natural progression after marriage. While it is not a step you take lightly, it can bring so much joy to your life. I imagine (as never experienced) your wife's pain over the loss, was magnified by your lack of response. But I don't believe it is the end for you. Be there for your wife, keep reminding her you love her. Nurture her. It sounds like she never had the chance to grieve the loss, and neither did _you_.
I sincerely wish you all the best. Hard times ahead... but not impossible.
I'm sorry for your pain!


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## Irish Shamrock (Mar 9, 2010)

Hi this is my first post but I felt compelled to respond. I can sort of understand how your wife is feeling. 

A year ago I lost a baby (would have been our first) at early stages, 10 weeks. My husband went off on a business trip and left me to go into hospital on my own to have a D&C under general anaesthetic. It's a minor procedure physically, but emotionally not so easy. He only heard "minor procedure" and jetted off into the sunset. 

He is normally a wonderful husband, so I was gobsmacked and really disappointed in his decision to go on the trip (especially when his boss said he didn't have to be there). I couldn't believe he let me go through that horrible experience by myself. I definitely felt less attracted to him for months as I felt he couldn't really love me. 

I would recommend that you guys have to jointly decide if you are going to try and get over it. This happened to you 2 years ago and you can't both stay bitter about something like this forever without some serious damage being done. 

As for you.. don't beat yourself up too much as you can't change the past. You didn't even know for sure that she was pregnant, so you had no time to get excited about it and then you blurted out the wrong thing and hurt her when she was already wobbly. Everyone makes mistakes, you can only change the future. However, stonewalling is BAD and makes things worse. You could try to help her understand that if she has another baby you will be there for her no matter what. 

If she is anything like me, she will be petrified of another pregnancy and being left alone with it, and of course that relates to your sex life, it's not rocket science  

But you do seem like you're really trying to make things better. She should try too. Good luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You cannot make a marriage work when the communication pattern is:
- person 1 does something insensitive
- person 2 withdraws and sexually shuts down for 2 years
- person 2 starts an emotional affair 
- person 2 then tries to put ALL OF IT on person 1

In a marriage people do insensitive things. And I will tell you that ANY young man - would correlate duration of pregnancy with emotional reaction to miscarriage. So yes - you were insensitive. Many/most guys would not have handled this situation very well. 

It sure sounds like she is looking for diplomatic immunity for sexually freezing you out and cheating on you and this is how she is doing it. 

If this really was that big a deal to her she was obligated to raise it then. 

By the way - couples who have a genuine physical connection don't have their sex life turned upside down for 2 years over stuff like this. THAT only happens when one of them is lacking attraction from the start and is very easily put off.



standardsfiend said:


> My wife and I have been married for a bit over 3 years now. We are both 32. For the past two years, her sexual desire has gradually reduced to nothing. I had tried several ways to uncover the problem, first thinking that it was just related to something like technique, then assuming she had stopped finding me attractive, to feeling that she may not love me anymore. As you can imagine, over the past two years, the relationship has also slowly been losing its positive side, and moving more and more towards feelings of hopelessness for both of us. A few weeks ago, my wife confessed that she had been having feelings for another man, a new coworker of hers. Later, I deduced and asked her if she had been secretly communicating with him outside of work (text messages). She had. She's started an emotional affair. I got dramatic...I took my ring off and put it in front of her. I never take my ring off.
> 
> Anyway, I don't want to digress too far, since it will muddy up the point of this. In the simplest terms, our marriage is failing, and I didn't know why. Now I know one huge reason.
> 
> ...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Many/most guys would not have handled this situation very well.


I would tend to agree with this so don't beat your self up too much over this Standard. My wife and I suffered through a number of miscarriages. It was difficult for us both as we trying very hard to have a baby but I know I never fully understood how difficult it was for my wife. She was riddled with guilt, self esteem issues, concern.... It was very hard for her and like most men I'm sure I could have done a better job in helping her. 

But I do question that the EA was a result of this single event. At first blush I'd say it is her feeling that you can't be relied on to be there for her and a sustained history reinforcing that perception. You cannot change what happened that Christmas but you can change how you support her from this day forward when she is in need of it. If she did break it off then you are going to get a chance to prove it in trial by fire. She is going to be hurting for some time and your reaction to her will impact how she gets passed it. I've walked this path with my wife also so don't coddle or dote on her but let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Likely she will not discuss him or her feelings for him so don't expect her to. But she may discuss the marriage and its problems, welcome the communication and find ways that the two of you can proceed and improve it.

To end on a positive note my wife and I did have another child after the miscarriages and today we have a fine adolescent son that we are both very proud of. Secondly we survived the EA, improved our marriage and are both happier in our relationship then we have been in years. Good luck!


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

standardsfiend said:


> This week, after some fallout conversations from her communicating with the other guy, she put two and two together, connecting the miscarriage and my insensitivity to her lack of sex drive toward me.


This is complete and utter nonsense. It is also very dangerous. Your situation is serious, but can be solved. The more precious time that you waste with this gibberish, the less chance you have to save your marriage.

Here is the situation:

*"In love" = "love" + "desire"*

Your wife has no _desire_ for you. This did not happen because of anything you DID. This happened because of the things you DID NOT do.

Your wife has come up with a convenient cover up for her behaviour. One stupid comment years ago has nothing to do with why your wife lost desire for you. It is certainly no excuse for her affair.

That you would fall for such a blantant fabrication is probably one of the top three stupidest thigns that I have heard anyone say on these boards ... and I have been here for a very long time!

So ... do you want to go on flagellating yourself or do you want to solve your problem and save your marriage?



> A few weeks ago, my wife confessed that she had been having feelings for another man, a new coworker of hers. Later, I deduced and asked her if she had been secretly communicating with him outside of work (text messages). She had. She's started an emotional affair.


STEP 1 to solve your problem: *The affair has to end.* Anything that happens, is said, is resolved, is felt, is accomplished, or is negotiated while an affair is ongoing means nothing. That is the nature of every affair.

So what does it mean "the affair has to end?"

1) She has to stop all contact with the other man.
2) She has to take full responsibility for everything she has done, and fully account for all that she did. It is very likely that her affair is not an emotional affair, but a full blown sexual affair.
3) You have to independently verify all that she tells you. There is no right to privacy for her, until you restore that right. 
4) You have to accept and fully forgive her. There can be no punishing, judging, passive aggression, or any other destructive nonsense. It happened. She fully accepts responsibility. It is over.

STEP 1 to solve your problem: *Re-kindle your wife's desire.* This is usually pretty easy to do. It means finding why she lost desire in the first place.

In 90% of cases, when a wife looses desire for her husband, it is because the husband is insufficiently successful, confident, aggressive, ambitious, driven, dominant, and otherwise manly.

There are several "man up" books that you can refer to if this is you.

The fact that you want to blame yourself for your wife's infidelity because of one comment you made years ago tells me you are likely a door mat, and your wife likely feels utterly insecure since her husband has a wet noodle instead of a backbone.

I have been wrong sometimes, though.

Good luck.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

I will post in much more detail responses to each of you, and I really appreciate all of your responses, except for AlexNY...dude, you need to stop. You reacted to this like we were on Jerry Springer... 

I'll clarify where my wife and I are at when I have a bit more time. We're not perfect, but there may be hope.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Enough!!! said:


> Your post made me want to cry. It must have been devastating.
> You _BOTH_ lost a child, you have to deal with that. I am blessed with 3 beautiful children. And stories such as yours just breaks my heart.
> You were married... Is there any reason having a child alarmed you so much?
> Maybe your wife is worried about having another "accident", worried about your reaction. Maybe she took your lack of response personally. Like you don't want to have her children. To me, family is the natural progression after marriage. While it is not a step you take lightly, it can bring so much joy to your life. I imagine (as never experienced) your wife's pain over the loss, was magnified by your lack of response. But I don't believe it is the end for you. Be there for your wife, keep reminding her you love her. Nurture her. It sounds like she never had the chance to grieve the loss, and neither did _you_.
> ...


Thank you for your kindness. At this point, it is clear that she associates the loneliness she felt after the miscarriage with complete lack of trust in me as a father. This is why our sex life has suffered so much. Sex = chance of baby = chance I might "bolt" and leave her alone to raise a child. Though I wouldn't do that, the connection is totally understandable, and I don't really blame her.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Irish Shamrock said:


> Hi this is my first post but I felt compelled to respond. I can sort of understand how your wife is feeling.
> 
> A year ago I lost a baby (would have been our first) at early stages, 10 weeks. My husband went off on a business trip and left me to go into hospital on my own to have a D&C under general anaesthetic. It's a minor procedure physically, but emotionally not so easy. He only heard "minor procedure" and jetted off into the sunset.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your advice. Since I started this thread, I have been doing my best with her as my top priority, though we have other issues that keep coming up as well. I went to a counselor last week to try to get things moving in a better direction. The counselor seems like a good fit, so we'll see what happens there.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> You cannot make a marriage work when the communication pattern is:
> - person 1 does something insensitive
> - person 2 withdraws and sexually shuts down for 2 years
> - person 2 starts an emotional affair
> ...


A lot of what you're saying may be true, though I feel (with hindsight) that something like a miscarriage really has no boundaries on too much of a reaction. She could have left me soon after, and she would have been justified to do so. Granted, two years of not talking to me about it doesn't help to move towards any kind of healing, but the situation is what it is. 

I will say that it seems it doesn't ever really matter what 'most guys' would do. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and judgment is in the eye of the wife. There really is no standard other than your wife's standard, and that is what you have to work with.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> I would tend to agree with this so don't beat your self up too much over this Standard. My wife and I suffered through a number of miscarriages. It was difficult for us both as we trying very hard to have a baby but I know I never fully understood how difficult it was for my wife. She was riddled with guilt, self esteem issues, concern.... It was very hard for her and like most men I'm sure I could have done a better job in helping her.
> 
> But I do question that the EA was a result of this single event. At first blush I'd say it is her feeling that you can't be relied on to be there for her and a sustained history reinforcing that perception. You cannot change what happened that Christmas but you can change how you support her from this day forward when she is in need of it. If she did break it off then you are going to get a chance to prove it in trial by fire. She is going to be hurting for some time and your reaction to her will impact how she gets passed it. I've walked this path with my wife also so don't coddle or dote on her but let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Likely she will not discuss him or her feelings for him so don't expect her to. But she may discuss the marriage and its problems, welcome the communication and find ways that the two of you can proceed and improve it.
> 
> To end on a positive note my wife and I did have another child after the miscarriages and today we have a fine adolescent son that we are both very proud of. Secondly we survived the EA, improved our marriage and are both happier in our relationship then we have been in years. Good luck!


Congratulations on working through your issues and coming out with a stronger (and larger) family! At this point, she has ended the EA, and talked with me very openly about it. Also, it really isn't that I could have done a better job supporting her through the miscarriage, it's that I could have tried at all. I just didn't...the counselor called it compartmentalizing. I just moved forward as if it hadn't happened. The counselor figures there's something there to work through with me, about why I was able to so easily do that when my wife was suffering.

I am doing my best to support her as well as I know how. Unfortunately, you pegged it that there have been patterns beyond a one-time event, and those patterns have left their mark on her, so she feels it's all fake and temporary. This makes it even harder to change, with constant doubt on me, but this is definitely the bed I made for myself. 

God it's hard to keep motivated when someone doesn't believe in you.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

AlexNY said:


> This is complete and utter nonsense. It is also very dangerous. Your situation is serious, but can be solved. The more precious time that you waste with this gibberish, the less chance you have to save your marriage.
> 
> Here is the situation:
> 
> ...



I am not a doormat. I treated her like a doormat, showing her love only when it was convenient for me, and being so detached from her needs that she wasn't feeling love from my side of the relationship. If I took the low road, and went at her with a "you need to own up"-type attitude, it would already be over. I'm going with a "what can I do better" attitude, so that there is at least some kind of chance for us.

As for the EA. She felt completely guilty about that, and several times said "You should be more angry with me about it." I told her that's not going to solve anything, since she had reasons for emotionally straying. It's over now, and it was limited to about two weeks of (lots of) texting and a long talk in the parking lot where they work when she called it off. She openly talks about thinking that she lost a great friend, and maybe more. While that hurts, and I told her I didn't want to hear about that anymore, I take her openness as proof that she has been honest. Did I mention that not once did she lie to me through this entire ordeal? Every question I had was answered.

As for "manning up"...if it's what I think it is, that is bull****. She wants the sensitive guy she married, not some guy trying to put on a macho facade. I once read a friend's guide on how to date the manly way, and it was shallow and manipulative. Is what you call "manning up" any different? You'll just have to trust me that not being manly enough is not the cause of our issues.

For future reference, there's only so much info you put in one of these threads. Please don't rush to such snap judgments when it's a given that you don't have the whole story. If you wanted more info about aspects of our relationship, you could have asked.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Whew...lots of posts. This is because I can't sleep, and writing helps me sort out my thoughts. 

I went to a counselor on Friday. That was the first session, and I went alone. I asked for a counselor who would push me to be a better person, as opposed to passively sitting there and saying "uh huh, uh huh" every few minutes. She seems good, and caught on to various things I was saying very quickly, pulling from between the lines. 

She also cautioned me that if I don't get my wife into the sessions with me soon, it's going to continue going downhill very fast. My wife agreed to go with me after her work schedule can accommodate it (after March 23rd). That feels like forever. In the meantime, I have another solo session scheduled in a couple days. 

I have spent the past couple weeks trying to really be the person my wife first met. I don't really know what else to do. I think I have stopped the "opened artery", but the wound is still bleeding. At this point, she is planning on separating from me for a while. I have asked her to reconsider, since I think separating just equals divorce. I don't see us recovering after she moves out. What could I possibly do when she's gone that I couldn't manage to do when she was with me??

I still love her so much, and every day is breaking my heart. There's a song that sums up our situation perfectly. "For No One" by the Beatles. All love disappeared from her words, her face, her eyes. In her eyes, she's looking at a future apart from me, and it kills me.

I wonder at what point I need to just go into survival mode, since I am on the edge with my emotions all the time...I switch back and forth between feeling so sorry for myself, and just feeling depressed. At the same time, I am trying and failing miserably to put a brave face on things. 

Not much more to say at the moment. We'll see how counseling goes. I'll keep doing the best I can, and post back here later.

There is so much that can't fit into a forum thread....


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## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

Your in a really tough position. I believe your statement is right on. She probably is seriously petrified that you might bolt if a pregnancy was to occur. I don't however believe it has anything at all to do with her views of your fathering ability.
It would appear you have learnt a great lesson form all this.
The pain will go away, and the damage CAN be fixed. Don't lose hope.
Having babies... on the most part is a natural instinct for most women.... Give her your time and your love. I assure you she wants to have a family with you, she just needs to feel secure in your love and marriage.
And when the time is right, when you are both ready. The love that a child can bring, cannot be described in words. It will bring a warmth to your heart you never thought imaginable. You will feel at peace with it, as will your wife.
Don't give up hope... I truly believe there is a happy ending for you and your "family"
Love with win in the end!!!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

standardsfiend said:


> I am doing my best to support her as well as I know how. Unfortunately, you pegged it that there have been patterns beyond a one-time event, and those patterns have left their mark on her, so she feels it's all fake and temporary. This makes it even harder to change, with constant doubt on me, but this is definitely the bed I made for myself.


It took my wife months to fully accept that I was dead serious in my commitments to her and to the marriage. And when she did that she began to turn to me again as her emotional center and support. I like your attitude that you are not changing your self into someone else merely moving back to-wards the man your wife fell in love with. That makes it an easier process and one that will likely survive the test of time. Do not worry about your wife's doubts your true enemy are your own doubts. Believe in yourself and that no matter how this turns out you will be a better man because of it. Good luck.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> It took my wife months to fully accept that I was dead serious in my commitments to her and to the marriage. And when she did that she began to turn to me again as her emotional center and support. I like your attitude that you are not changing your self into someone else merely moving back to-wards the man your wife fell in love with. That makes it an easier process and one that will likely survive the test of time. Do not worry about your wife's doubts your true enemy are your own doubts. Believe in yourself and that no matter how this turns out you will be a better man because of it. Good luck.


Thanks so much for the encouragement. This helps a lot. I had my second counseling session today (still just me) and I learned a lot about where my patterns have come from, so now I can do my best to recognize when it's about to happen and try to go a different way. She seems to be much more relaxed around me now...friendly again. Now I just have to keep myself from pushing too close too fast. I'm just doing what I can on my end, showing her this isn't temporary, and hoping for an invitation.

Amplexor, if you don't mind my asking, what is your story? What did you recover from?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

standardsfiend said:


> Amplexor, if you don't mind my asking, what is your story? What did you recover from?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/1383-when-enough-enough.html


Your story is wonderful and encouraging, and most of all, REAL, and I just want to thank you for sharing it with me. It gives me even more hope.


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## standardsfiend (Mar 7, 2010)

So, the latest: I have been to a counselor four times now, who is focusing on working with me individually, since I am the cause of most of our marriage issues. I am learning that I have been emotionally abusive (always need to be right, always need to win the argument, give love when it's convenient for me, etc.) and through my actions (or lack of them) have been pushing her away from me. 

My wife and I are going out to dinner, watching movies, etc., more than we did before all of this came to a head (her saying she wanted to leave), but she still says she feels the need to live by herself, and that maybe that will allow her to miss me and reset her feelings of resentment.

It has been extremely painful for both of us, and last week I basically dissolved into a weak child, crying for long periods of time, feeling sorry for myself....well, yeah, lots of feeling sorry for myself. 

Unfortunately, it took her turning off her love a month ago (not that she can turn it on and off really) to give me the wake up call that caused me to post this whole thread in the first place. Since then, it's been an emotional roller coaster. 

The one small thing I can take hope in is that it will probably take her at least two months to move out. She will be starting her job after finishing school in mid-April, so it will be a while before she is able to save enough money to move out. I can only hope with all of my heart that during that time, the changes I have made (and am still making) will work to turn things around....but I think it's too late.

She has admitted that things have been much better in the past month from my side, but she feels pressure because she can't return the love I have been trying to show her...because she doesn't feel it anymore. I have been focusing on "being here" for her...listening, remaining calm, not getting worked up over the little jabs, doing the things that she suggests we do together. It's been nice, just spending time with her, but of course I'm desperate inside...I don't want her to leave me. 

She knows I'm trying, she feels that I love her...what is that thing that could possibly spark something in her to change her mind, and be open to loving me again? Is separation the only way? Once she leaves, I don't think she'll ever come back to me. 

I know there are ladies on this forum who are in or have been in her position. What were you waiting for? Was your mind made up?


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