# Married to my husband for over 7 years, all of a sudden he decides he doesn't want children



## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

Hi everyone,
My husband and I are both 32 years old. We were high school sweethearts and have been married for 7 years.
He recently expressed to me that "he decided" he does not want children. This is news to me as over the years we have talked about this and we did discuss this before marriage and were both on board with having kids just at the time he wasn't ready. He kept on saying, couple more years, couple more years, I want us to be more financially stable etc. 
Well, we are finally in a good spot financially and I feel like emotionally ready to have a baby. The whole situation really upset me because he knew how bad I wanted them and how my time to have a baby is running out. I'm heartbroken and don't know if I should take his words seriously or is he just saying this and may potentially change his mind? Is this what men do- If they say they don't want kids does it mean they really feel inside that they don't want them? Maybe he just doesn't want them with me? I don't want to leave this marriage, I love my husband but I am worried that if I give him any more time I will be in a worse spot a year or 2 from now... help?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Has anything changed in your relationship, in your health, or with your sex life? If there are issues that have arisen in the last year or so (at least in his mind), he may not want children if he might get locked into a relationship he feels is deteriorating.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BeeBee90 said:


> Hi everyone,
> My husband and I are both 32 years old. We were high school sweethearts and have been married for 7 years.
> He recently expressed to me that "he decided" he does not want children. This is news to me as over the years we have talked about this and we did discuss this before marriage and were both on board with having kids just at the time he wasn't ready. He kept on saying, couple more years, couple more years, I want us to be more financially stable etc.
> Well, we are finally in a good spot financially and I feel like emotionally ready to have a baby. The whole situation really upset me because he knew how bad I wanted them and how my time to have a baby is running out. I'm heartbroken and don't know if I should take his words seriously or is he just saying this and may potentially change his mind? Is this what men do- If they say they don't want kids does it mean they really feel inside that they don't want them? Maybe he just doesn't want them with me? I don't want to leave this marriage, I love my husband but I am worried that if I give him any more time I will be in a worse spot a year or 2 from now... help?


Sounds like he is afraid of how the marriage will change with kids. I will admit, I thought I would never want kids. But I changed when she became pregnant. We only had one. We are both in our 30s and she is old enough to where we have most of freedom back. 

Sit down with him over a nice dinner and have a easy going conversation to understand his thinking on this. I am willing to bet he is afraid of the unknown.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Does he like children? Like if he has any relatives that has them, does he like being around them?


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Does he like children? Like if he has any relatives that has them, does he like being around them?


He does like kids, he has nieces and nephews and he is great with them.


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Sounds like he is afraid of how the marriage will change with kids. I will admit, I thought I would never want kids. But I changed when she became pregnant. We only had one. We are both in our 30s and she is old enough to where we have most of freedom back.
> 
> Sit down with him over a nice dinner and have a easy going conversation to understand his thinking on this. I am willing to bet he is afraid of the unknown.


I did ask him if he is afraid, he just keeps saying he doesn’t feel it in him to be a father. I did mention to him this may be a dealbreaker for me and his response to that was “maybe I am just meant to be alone then…”


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> Has anything changed in your relationship, in your health, or with your sex life? If there are issues that have arisen in the last year or so (at least in his mind), he may not want children if he might get locked into a relationship he feels is deteriorating.


Well we did move across the country in recent months, he switched jobs so I can see how that can be a stressor.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

BeeBee90 said:


> Well we did move across the country in recent months, he switched jobs so I can see how that can be a stressor.


That might make him want to delay having children, but shouldn't change that he wants them. Something else is going on. Anyway, if he is serious, and you really want children, then you should file for divorce ASAP and start looking for someone else who does want children with you. Actually, just file and leave - that may be the only shock that will get him to really think about what he wants, and if you are part of that. Of course, this whole situation may be enough for you to want to move on anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its unlikely he will change his mind. You may have to decide whether having children is more important than staying married. Really he married you under false pretences. 
I always wanted children and couldn't stay with a man who didn't. it's a shame that he let it go this long without telling you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

BeeBee90 said:


> I did ask him if he is afraid, he just keeps saying he doesn’t feel it in him to be a father. I did mention to him this may be a dealbreaker for me and his response to that was “maybe I am just meant to be alone then…”


Maybe just maybe he's no longer happily married and knows having kids will tie the two of you together for a long time. The comment he made about "just meant to be alone" may be a clue to how he is feeling and he's just too afraid to tell you.


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

Married but Happy said:


> That might make him want to delay having children, but shouldn't change that he wants them. Something else is going on. Anyway, if he is serious, and you really want children, then you should file for divorce ASAP and start looking for someone else who does want children with you. Actually, just file and leave - that may be the only shock that will get him to really think about what he wants, and if you are part of that. Of course, this whole situation may be enough for you to want to move on anyway.


I guess I just don’t understand how you can string someone along like this, someone you have been with for so so long and claimed you love them. I feel betrayed and lied to, it’s a sh**ty feeling.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BeeBee90 said:


> I did ask him if he is afraid, he just keeps saying he doesn’t feel it in him to be a father. I did mention to him this may be a dealbreaker for me and his response to that was “maybe I am just meant to be alone then…”


That sure is a weird response. I can see why you're wondering if it's just you. 

Maybe he is looking for a way out of the relationship or something.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BeeBee90 said:


> I guess I just don’t understand how you can string someone along like this, someone you have been with for so so long and claimed you love them. I feel betrayed and lied to, it’s a sh**ty feeling.


Its not surprising you feel betrayed. He must know that you want children. You may well end up with real resentment if you stay and not have any.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This seems fishy to me. I think you should get into counseling and get to the bottom of this immediately. He has been leading you on. Something serious is going on. I would consider that he might be having an affair, but he could just have a lot of fear. I don't know, but don't delay in getting to the bottom of it. Him saying that he simply changed his mind is not good enough. This is a huge betrayal, especially at your age.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BeeBee90 said:


> I did ask him if he is afraid, he just keeps saying he doesn’t feel it in him to be a father. I did mention to him this may be a dealbreaker for me and his response to that was “maybe I am just meant to be alone then…”


Be prepared for the crowd of folks to respond to this thread who will say divorce him and he is selfish and no good.

With that being said, you two have been together and married for a long time. You want to have kids with him and state that you love him. These are all good signs. I don't think its a good idea to say anything like this is a dealbreaker right now. I strongly urge you to read the link below. I think it may help you understand what he may be feeling. 









6 Fears About Fatherhood


Parenting can be scary - Why it’s important to deal with your fears.




goodmenproject.com





I encourage you to just talk to him about how much you love him, want to be with him and how good of a father you think he would be. Pop a beer each and invite him to the porch. Say baby, my dream is to be a mother and I love you so much that I want to do this with you and I can't think of anything that would make me more happy than us starting a family.... At this point say I know you might have some fears, and uncertainty. But I want you to know I care about what you feel and I am here to answer any questions and listen to any fears you have..... At this point, just let him talk without any interruptions.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Married but Happy said:


> That might make him want to delay having children, but shouldn't change that he wants them. Something else is going on. Anyway, if he is serious, and you really want children, then you should file for divorce ASAP and start looking for someone else who does want children with you. Actually, just file and leave - that may be the only shock that will get him to really think about what he wants, and if you are part of that. Of course, this whole situation may be enough for you to want to move on anyway.


I feel that is not a very good idea...... Just up and file for divorce, and then find the first guy on the rebound that will get you pregnant?

That sounds like the perfect recipe to becoming a single mom and receiving no help whatsoever to raising the child. 

Also, if you suddenly have him served with divorce papers. What guy in his right mind is going to call and say ok baby, lets stsrt having babies?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

BeeBee90 said:


> I guess I just don’t understand how you can string someone along like this, someone you have been with for so so long and claimed you love them. I feel betrayed and lied to, it’s a sh**ty feeling.


You have been betrayed.

chances are he has known but didn’t want to fight about
Or didn’t want to divorce 
Or thought you’d change your mind
Or he’s cheating and is making excuses

bottom line what he’s done is really ****ty.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Anastasia6 said:


> You have been betrayed.
> 
> chances are he has known but didn’t want to fight about
> Or didn’t want to divorce
> ...


I want to ask, do you feel like this might be a bit overboard without hearing his side of the story?

I feel its quite something to up and suggest he is cheating and/or betrayed her..... Having children is a life and relationship changing event for both people in the relationship. 

I feel like it would be a little more constructive to get more information about what is going on than pulling the cheating/betrayal card so early. 

I could be completely wrong. But as a guy, I can tell you that after seeing the positive test. I was happy she was happy. But I was terrified about everything from us as a couple, finances, being good parents, to health of our kid.

I vowed at one point that I never wanted kids. Why would I want to put my life on hold? I want to just go out and have fun whenever I want!.... But once my daughter was born, I suddenly had no worries or fear. It all just felt natural and meant to be. And I have a suspicion her husband is just afraid of the unknown like I was. I just feel like she should use a little tactful talking as a couple to take that first step. I have a strong feeling that when he sees the positive test and sees that first ultrasound or feels that first kick, it will be ok.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Ite clear he never wanted kids.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I want to ask, do you feel like this might be a bit overboard without hearing his side of the story?
> 
> I feel its quite something to up and suggest he is cheating and/or betrayed her..... Having children is a life and relationship changing event for both people in the relationship.
> 
> ...


So two different betrayals in my paragraph.

her husband has told her for years he wants children even before marriage. Now he suddenly doesn’t. Chances are it isn’t sudden he’s known for a while or he never did. Knowing and lying or making changes like that without talking about it is a betrayal. Men don’t often understand because they often are ambivalent about child and can have them into their 70’s. Women often times have a huge desire and any thing past 35 is risky.

he has betrayed her by waiting so long to say anything. Also recently moved cross country. She may not have uprooted her life had she known he wasn’t on board with the life plan they had discussed.

most men don’t get to the better off alone stage without having many stages before that.

so yes it’s a betrayal. Could it be depression or something sure but this isn’t the first time he’s pushed off kids. Seems like he’s pushed until she’s been more adamant so now he plays his hand and let’s her know the truth. Otherwise it wouldn’t have been a topic to the last ten years.

the other side is if it is a sudden change we’ll sudden changes often comes with affairs.

so I’m not saying he’s having an affair. I’m saying either way he’s been lying which is a betrayal. And considering her age now and her life long desire to be a parent is a huge betrayal.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I want to ask, do you feel like this might be a bit overboard without hearing his side of the story?
> 
> I feel its quite something to up and suggest he is cheating and/or betrayed her..... Having children is a life and relationship changing event for both people in the relationship.
> 
> ...


Why would she live on hopium. Trying to change someone when they don’t want to change is futile and usually makes for bad marriages.

her best bet is so sit him down say this is a dealbreaker for me. I’d love to find out why you feel this way. I’d love to see if we can resolve this. But if immediately starting the trying ( say within 3 weeks). Then she needs to leave.

however if I were her I’d now be worried he only agreed because it was a dealbreaker and what kind of husband and orDad is he going to be?

if they can’t work it out and divorce soon then she could easily meet a suitable someone in the next 3 years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There have been a few threads on TAM over the years from women who said their husbands wanted children when they got married and later, sometimes much later, decided they didn’t. I don’t recall any resolutions because I don’t think they stuck around long. As issues in marriage go, one person who wants children and one person who doesn’t is obviously a big one. Sometimes the person who doesn’t want children gives in. Then they’re either happy they did or they wish they hadn’t or maybe they’re somewhere in between. Not everyone is meant to be a parent.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> You have been betrayed.
> 
> chances are he has known but didn’t want to fight about
> Or didn’t want to divorce
> ...


THIS!!

Did some not read? High school sweethearts, married for 7 years. Never wanted kids imo and used finances as an excuse. Something caused him to be open about if now. Maybe the better money and a pretty new thing after moving across the country?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

This website is extremely useful in many ways. One way for sure is it has absolutely helped me understand why divorce rates are so high. There are definitely a lot of people who seem to be inflexible and lack empathy in a relationship. 

I still suggest talking and working through the situation. Part of being in a long term relationship and marriage is working through situations through communication. But I will agree that if he flat out refuses to talk about children or firmly says no. Then I do believe that in the next 12-18 months she should tell him that having a family is a goal in her life and she is moving on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BeeBee90 said:


> I did ask him if he is afraid, he just keeps saying he doesn’t feel it in him to be a father. I did mention to him this may be a dealbreaker for me and his response to that was “maybe I am just meant to be alone then…”


So this is the truth, listen to him. Don’t hear what you want to hear, he has said that thing about being alone. Sorry. 😔


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> This website is extremely useful in many ways. One way for sure is it has absolutely helped me understand why divorce rates are so high. There are definitely a lot of people who seem to be inflexible and lack empathy in a relationship.
> 
> I still suggest talking and working through the situation. Part of being in a long term relationship and marriage is working through situations through communication. But I will agree that if he flat out refuses to talk about children or firmly says no. Then I do believe that in the next 12-18 months she should tell him that having a family is a goal in her life and she is moving on.


While I agree with you that many on the site are too quick to shout "divorce!", and that OP must sit and talk this out with her husband, the reality is that she does not have the time to wait and see if he changes his mind. If she wants children she has to start now, or in the near future. What happens if she waits another year or two, and he doesn't change his mind? By the time she meets someone else, and has a relationship with them she'll be in her late 30's. Women just don't have the luxury of time with these things.

OP - you absolutely shouldn't have children with your husband if he really doesn't want them, not fair to the child or him. This is one issue where there is no compromise. One of you will have to give in. If you really do want children, sit and have a come to Jesus conversation with him, and then make your decision. This is something too big to give up if you really want it.

In your shoes at 34, I would have walked if my husband told me he didn't want children. Unfortunately I met my husband too late, we were married when I was 40 and despite trying we were never lucky enough to be blessed with children. I have always wanted my own family, and I am absolutely heartbroken that it never happened for me. There's an ache in my heart that's always there, and is the only life regret I have, I will take it to my grave. Don't end up like me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> While I agree with you that many on the site are too quick to shout "divorce!", and that OP must sit and talk this out with her husband, the reality is that she does not have the time to wait and see if he changes his mind. If she wants children she has to start now, or in the near future. What happens if she waits another year or two, and he doesn't change his mind? By the time she meets someone else, and has a relationship with them she'll be in her late 30's. Women just don't have the luxury of time with these things.
> 
> OP - you absolutely shouldn't have children with your husband if he really doesn't want them, not fair to the child or him. This is one issue where there is no compromise. One of you will have to give in. If you really do want children, sit and have a come to Jesus conversation with him, and then make your decision. This is something too big to give up if you really want it.
> 
> In your shoes at 34, I would have walked if my husband told me he didn't want children. Unfortunately I met my husband too late, we were married when I was 40 and despite trying we were never lucky enough to be blessed with children. I have always wanted my own family, and I am absolutely heartbroken that it never happened for me. There's an ache in my heart that's always there, and is the only life regret I have, I will take it to my grave. Don't end up like me.


Many men just don't understand the natural strong drive and desire in women to have children. 
She hasn't gut time to wait a year or two has she, it's a decision she has to make asap.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Just get pregnant "by mistake"...


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

In Absentia said:


> Just get pregnant "by mistake"...


You better be joking.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownButNotOut said:


> You better be joking.


yes, hence the smiley face... but it's a very old trick...


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

There's a lot of IMO really bad advice in this thread. Listen to @ThatDarnGuy! . He is speaking from a place of personal experience. 

You've been married to him for 7 years. You know him maybe better than he knows himself. Has he ever struck you as the type of guy who would just lie and lead someone on? Chances are he has nerves. Having children is a cliff you can't un-jump off of.

He could very well have thought he wanted children when you were dating, and when you married. He could have fully believed it. But the closer it gets, the more doubts he has. Now he's standing at the edge of that cliff and jumping doesn't look so good. 

I understand you feel lied to, or betrayed. But you need to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I'd bet he entered into your marriage in good faith, and fully believed what he said then. But now the doubts are ruling his choice. Can he work past them? You know him far better than we do. But to help him, you'll have to approach it from a place of love and concern, not from a place of feeling hurt.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Just get pregnant "by mistake"...


That IS the way it was done in the 1960's.

"SURPRISE!"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownButNotOut said:


> There's a lot of IMO really bad advice in this thread. Listen to @ThatDarnGuy! . He is speaking from a place of personal experience.
> 
> You've been married to him for 7 years. You know him maybe better than he knows himself. Has he ever struck you as the type of guy who would just lie and lead someone on? Chances are he has nerves. Having children is a cliff you can't un-jump off of.
> 
> ...


That's all very well and good but she is in her 30's and has already wasted 7 years of her reproductive life. How much longer do you suggest she gives him to change his mind? A year? Three? Till she is 40?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

One thing that seems to be missing from this thread: the element of change.

Maybe the husband was somewhat open to having kids when they got married. but circumstances changed, and now he is pretty scared about the responsibility of raising a kid. there are health risks to the mom, the cost of pregnancy, the cost of raising and educating a kid....what is it estimated to be nowadays? $600K USD?

And he has a comfy lifestyle now that will pretty much completely change!

So i would not jump to the conclusion that he was lying about it all the time, but rather he evaluated the situation NOW, and decided he did not want a kid.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> There's a lot of IMO really bad advice in this thread. Listen to @ThatDarnGuy! . He is speaking from a place of personal experience.
> 
> You've been married to him for 7 years. You know him maybe better than he knows himself. Has he ever struck you as the type of guy who would just lie and lead someone on? Chances are he has nerves. Having children is a cliff you can't un-jump off of.
> 
> ...


Except they have already talked. She has already expressed this is a dealbreaker. He didn’t come to his senses he said let’s divorce in different words.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would ask that he comes for a few sessions with a MC to discuss this. If he still feels the same you have no choice if you want children.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> One thing that seems to be missing from this thread: the element of change.
> 
> Maybe the husband was somewhat open to having kids when they got married. but circumstances changed, and now he is pretty scared about the responsibility of raising a kid. there are health risks to the mom, the cost of pregnancy, the cost of raising and educating a kid....what is it estimated to be nowadays? $600K USD?
> 
> ...


Except that he has been putting it off over and over again for years. 

$600,000 per child is madness. No one would ever be able to afford a child if the cost was anything like that amount. 
It's a vast vast over estimation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> One thing that seems to be missing from this thread: the element of change.
> 
> Maybe the husband was somewhat open to having kids when they got married. but circumstances changed, and now he is pretty scared about the responsibility of raising a kid. there are health risks to the mom, the cost of pregnancy, the cost of raising and educating a kid....what is it estimated to be nowadays? $600K USD?
> 
> ...


So even if you think that is true. If she wants kids she would need to leave because he doesn't.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> So even if you think that is true. If she wants kids she would need to leave because he doesn't.


yes.
but she might want to really discuss it with him first, he might have a point. i do not know their situation. there are so many factors to consider.

Just because a woman decides "I WANT A KID...NOW!!!", does not mean it is necessarily a good idea, or right for a given couple. It might just be hormones doing the talking, or her mom nagging her. or the marriage is in question and she thinks a kid will improve it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> This website is extremely useful in many ways. One way for sure is it has absolutely helped me understand why divorce rates are so high. There are definitely a lot of people who seem to be inflexible and lack empathy in a relationship.
> 
> I still suggest talking and working through the situation. Part of being in a long term relationship and marriage is working through situations through communication. But I will agree that if he flat out refuses to talk about children or firmly says no. Then I do believe that in the next 12-18 months she should tell him that having a family is a goal in her life and she is moving on.


Working through the situation, really? How? He told her he doesn't want kids.

She doesn't have 18 months to **** around about this. Every month she wastes may mean she may never have a child. Tick tock, men just don't get it. 

Fertility plummets in your 30s.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> yes.
> but she might want to really discuss it with him first, he might have a point. i do not know their situation. there are so many factors to consider.
> 
> Just because a woman decides "I WANT A KID...NOW!!!", does not mean it is necessarily a good idea, or right for a given couple. It might just be hormones doing the talking, or her mom nagging her


She hasn't just decided. She has waiting since high school she is now 32 years old. There isn't much time left even at 32 she may have trouble getting pregnant. No one wants expensive and painful IVF. No one wants a child with genetic abnormalities. She has talked with him. I agree it's worth trying to discuss why he's not ready but in the end she is out of time. She needs to decide if she wants children or this man. He's run the clock out.


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Be prepared for the crowd of folks to respond to this thread who will say divorce him and he is selfish and no good.
> 
> With that being said, you two have been together and married for a long time. You want to have kids with him and state that you love him. These are all good signs. I don't think its a good idea to say anything like this is a dealbreaker right now. I strongly urge you to read the link below. I think it may help you understand what he may be feeling.
> 
> ...


You have some points here for sure. When he first told me he doesn’t want kids my first instinct was to cry and be mean to him because I felt angry but I definitely see that wasn’t a good reaction. I’ll try to have a deep conversation with him at a romantic dinner or something and see what he says. Thanks for your input, it’s good to hear a man’s perspective.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> That's all very well and good but she is in her 30's and has already wasted 7 years of her reproductive life. How much longer do you suggest she gives him to change his mind? A year? Three? Till she is 40?


It might be her best option at this point.

Have you tried the current mid-30's 'clock-is-ticking' dating market? 

Let's run through it.

At 32, if divorce papers are started today it would be a minimum 6-9 months before they could possibly be finalized. She's 33. And she's really entering the adult dating market for the first time in her life, since they were high school sweethearts. How long until she's ready to date with intention again? Immediately? Ok.

The mid-30's dating market is filled with the leftovers, the commitment-phobic, and divorced single dads. If she's divorced and dating again specifically to have her own children, will that eliminate the single dads from the dating pool? That leaves the leftovers, and the commitment-phobic. Sure there are also some unicorns out there, but a mid-30's unicorn is far more likely to choose a 27-28 year old for a committed relationship.

So she's 33, and dating. Let's be optimistic and assume that her very first date is an acceptable husband material. He might not check all her boxes, but he seems nice and says he is open to kids right away. How long should the courtship be from first date to proposal? 3 months? 6? a year? Now she's 34, and her BF hasn't popped the question yet. Does she bail from him because let's face it that clock is still ticking. She can't afford to be picky now, because every flop is that much closer to being 40, unmarried, and childless. 

So if everything goes absolutely right, a best case would be married again and pregnant at 36? At the earliest? Is this to a man who is a Mr. Right? Or a Mr. GoodEnoughCauseMyClockIsTicking? How will that bode for the long term?
Sure, she could opt for single motherhood, and hook up with a random for risky ONS until she's pregnant.
Or go to a clinic and spend exorbitant money on a sperm donor. Of course that takes more time, and money, and often requires multiple cycles before conception.

Or ... She could choose to stay and work with the man she says she loves now. Several sessions of MC, to get his fears and reservations all out in the open in a supportive environment. Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn't. But is it really a worse choice than clock-is-ticking-dating in your mid 30's?

I'm not suggesting there are good choices here. It's a rotten position to be in.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BeeBee90 said:


> You have some points here for sure. When he first told me he doesn’t want kids my first instinct was to cry and be mean to him because I felt angry but I definitely see that wasn’t a good reaction. I’ll try to have a deep conversation with him at a romantic dinner or something and see what he says. Thanks for your input, it’s good to hear a man’s perspective.


From another man perspective. What @ThatDarnGuy! said is correct to a point. But, you need to understand and make sure that you will also not let time pass you by in "hopium" in the eventuality that he's set and is not changing his mind. I wouldn't talk to him during a romantic setting. He most likely would take that as being ambushed, and resent you for that. Take a neutral time when both are relaxed and not tired to have the conversation. You must, and I repeat, you must set your expectations clearly without any ambiguities as to what is it that you expect as a final outcome. Do not wishy washy it to him. Give him a time frame where things must happens, and if not it's over (if you're not willing to no have kids), because if you are not willing to not have kids and he really doesn't want kids now, then it's over. You need to understand this and leave the relationship because if you don't, your life with him will be that of miserable resentments towards him for the rest of your life, and that's not way to live. Your biological time is kicking and you shouldn't take to long in your decision.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> It might be her best option at this point.
> 
> Have you tried the current mid-30's 'clock-is-ticking' dating market?
> 
> ...


Your point is well taken, but by the the same token if the husband has not intentions of backing out, then whatever chances she has it would be being out there in the dating market, rather than not chances at all with the husband.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> Your point is well taken, but by the the same token if the husband has not intentions of backing out, then whatever chances she has it would be being out there in the dating market, rather than not chances at all with the husband.


This is new information for her. She's been with this man for over ten years. Trying to find a good husband in time to have a baby is highly risky at her age. This man promised her children. If this were me, I'd be telling him all of this and letting him know that what he is doing is not right. He needs some convincing. Unless he's having an affair or some other nefarious thing is going on, which probably isn't the situation.

My husband and I were married for about seven years when he told me he thought we should start our family. I told him that I didn't think I wanted children. He told me he would never have married me if he thought we wouldn't have children, and that I had told him that I wanted children, so I was in breach of contract. He also said a bunch of other things about how fear wasn't a good reason to decide against children and we'd be fine. So, I agreed and we have three children. Each child was due to my husband wanting another child. Our last child was a contraceptive failure, but my husband had apparently been diligently praying for a son without telling me. When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. He was thrilled. lol

My children changed me for the better. My son humbled me and made me see things in a much different way. I can only imagine what my life would be without my children. They are my heart. I adore each of them and wouldn't change a thing. I'm extremely thankful for them. Also, grandchildren! Woop! They are the bomb.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> yes.
> but she might want to really discuss it with him first, he might have a point. i do not know their situation. there are so many factors to consider.
> 
> Just because a woman decides "I WANT A KID...NOW!!!", does not mean it is necessarily a good idea, or right for a given couple. It might just be hormones doing the talking, or her mom nagging her. or the marriage is in question and she thinks a kid will improve it.


When a couple have been together for 7 years and the wife is well into her 30's, the time to have children is surely here if they want them. Sadly her hopes have been dashed for her through no fault of her own.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownButNotOut said:


> It might be her best option at this point.
> 
> Have you tried the current mid-30's 'clock-is-ticking' dating market?
> 
> ...


Yet many meet and marry their spouses in their 30's. I can't see any reason why she shouldn't meet a guy who she can have children with. Not guaranteed if course, but nothing in life is. 
If she wants children she has no alternative. He has clearly implied that not having a child is more important than she or his marriage is.
If she stays and nothing changes, as the years pass she will probably end up unhappy and resentful. I doubt the marriage would last because of this.


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

All of you have good points... leaving this marriage is the last thing I would want and the thought of dating just makes me cringe to be honest- I don't even know where I would begin. At the same time not having kids ever is completely off the table with me. To the guys- do you think convincing him is even possible, what can I say or do for him to even warm up to that idea?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Diana7 said:


> Yet many meet and marry their spouses in their 30's. I can't see any reason why she shouldn't meet a guy who she can have children with. Not guaranteed if course, but nothing in life is.
> If she wants children she has no alternative. He has clearly implied that not having a child is more important than she or his marriage is.
> If she stays and nothing changes, as the years pass she will probably end up unhappy and resentful. I doubt the marriage would last because of this.


Sure. It's a tough situation, and hard decisions have to be made on her priorities.

Starting dating at 32 and finding a husband wanting kids immediately is possible. But it isn't easy, and you might find the men that you want don't want you. Men in their 30's that are worth settling down with can date women in their 20's. Men in their 40's date women in their 30's, but they often are divorced with kids. Men over 45 that never settled down could be a great option. They're often feeling the same pressure the 30-something woman feels about settling down and finally starting a family. Often though the 30-something feels that man is too old for her. A man in his 20's will date a woman in her 30's but will he have the maturity to settle down and start a family with her?

A marriage solely because the man is willing to make a child often doesn't last as well. Once the child is here the shine wears off of such a man.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

So many posts about her biological clock ticking. She is only 32 years old, not 42. She still has plenty of time to have kids. Its getting more common for women to wait until mid to late 30s to have children that are perfectly healthy. And that is because they are in a far better place and far more stable to have children. 

I still cannot believe how many people are pushing so hard for her to just up and leave. What would be the plan after that? Find a quick rebound relationship with a guy who is so desperate that he takes the first lady that speaks to him? Then get married and pregnant six months later folowed by divorce in another year because you weren't compatible?

Is this the mentality in your own relationship? Do what I say and give me what I want or I am having you served with divorce papers? I realize more and more how lucky I am. We have certainly had differences in opinions on big decisions. But we work it out however long it takes. And we certainly have never basically said give me what I want or I am leaving. That kind of attitude in my opinion is a sign of deep immaturity and poor communication skills.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BeeBee90 said:


> Hi everyone,
> My husband and I are both 32 years old. We were high school sweethearts and have been married for 7 years.
> He recently expressed to me that "he decided" he does not want children. This is news to me as over the years we have talked about this and we did discuss this before marriage and were both on board with having kids just at the time he wasn't ready. He kept on saying, couple more years, couple more years, I want us to be more financially stable etc.
> Well, we are finally in a good spot financially and I feel like emotionally ready to have a baby. The whole situation really upset me because he knew how bad I wanted them and how my time to have a baby is running out. I'm heartbroken and don't know if I should take his words seriously or is he just saying this and may potentially change his mind? Is this what men do- If they say they don't want kids does it mean they really feel inside that they don't want them? Maybe he just doesn't want them with me? I don't want to leave this marriage, I love my husband but I am worried that if I give him any more time I will be in a worse spot a year or 2 from now... help?


Unreal. I know you said you love him but you would be justified in getting out immediately and immediately pursuing a man to have a family with because your window is narrowing and he is a real piece of work to have wasted your time like this.

What a way to put you on the spot.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

BeeBee90 said:


> All of you have good points... leaving this marriage is the last thing I would want and the thought of dating just makes me cringe to be honest- I don't even know where I would begin. At the same time not having kids ever is completely off the table with me. To the guys- do you think convincing him is even possible, what can I say or do for him to even warm up to that idea?


It's really tough. Convincing is possible ... maybe not probable. Certainly backing him into a corner with ultimatums isn't going to ever work.

I knew I wanted children early. While I was scared of the idea of being a father, it didn't stop me. So I can empathize with your husband, but I can't really relate to his level of resistance.

I've known friends of mine who are fathers now who swore they never wanted kids. The most common theme from them is that their whole attitude changed in the delivery room when they first held their baby. 

As far as convincing him? I think first try to understand and empathize with why he's saying no. Coming from that place, he might be more open with you than from a place of anger.

Also, if his biggest fears are of the unknowns he might benefit from talking to other men. Do you have friends with children? Sneaking fatherhood into conversations where the men can talk about it might resonate more with him than from you.


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So many posts about her biological clock ticking. She is only 32 years old, not 42. She still has plenty of time to have kids. Its getting more common for women to wait until mid to late 30s to have children that are perfectly healthy. And that is because they are in a far better place and far more stable to have children.
> 
> I still cannot believe how many people are pushing so hard for her to just up and leave. What would be the plan after that? Find a quick rebound relationship with a guy who is so desperate that he takes the first lady that speaks to him? Then get married and pregnant six months later folowed by divorce in another year because you weren't compatible?
> 
> Is this the mentality in your own relationship? Do what I say and give me what I want or I am having you served with divorce papers? I realize more and more how lucky I am. We have certainly had differences in opinions on big decisions. But we work it out however long it takes. And we certainly have never basically said give me what I want or I am leaving. That kind of attitude in my opinion is a sign of deep immaturity and poor communication skills.



I see what you are saying and agree with you. I'm really really trying to understand where my husband is coming from with the fears and stuff but I am running out of ideas. It's weighing heavy on me but like I mentioned few min earlier divorcing my husband and dating other people is the last thing I would want, I don't even have the skills to do that. I come from a traditional family, my parents have been married for over 40 years with 3 kids. We've had quite a few of these conversations in the past where he would hint at not having kids so I would never take it too seriously and I always thought he'd just eventually change his mind. I wanted to mention counseling to him but i know he is very against it so that may be out of the picture.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> There's a lot of IMO really bad advice in this thread. Listen to @ThatDarnGuy! . He is speaking from a place of personal experience.
> 
> You've been married to him for 7 years. You know him maybe better than he knows himself. Has he ever struck you as the type of guy who would just lie and lead someone on? Chances are he has nerves. Having children is a cliff you can't un-jump off of.
> 
> ...


Taking almost the entirety of a woman's fertile years before letting her in on the fact you don't want kids deserves a beat down at least in my book.

The tender little snowflake should have grown up a long time ago.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> Taking almost the entirety of a woman's fertile years before letting her in on the fact you don't want kids deserves a beat down at least in my book.
> 
> The tender little snowflake should have grown up a long time ago.


Trying to help? Or just virtue signal?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Trying to help? Or just virtue signal?



I say what I mean.

Her husband needs put on notice for his bull ****.

She needs to get moving if he isn't going to.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Trying to help? Or just virtue signal?


P.S. What the hell is virtue signaling?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BeeBee90 said:


> I see what you are saying and agree with you. I'm really really trying to understand where my husband is coming from with the fears and stuff but I am running out of ideas. It's weighing heavy on me but like I mentioned few min earlier divorcing my husband and dating other people is the last thing I would want, I don't even have the skills to do that. I come from a traditional family, my parents have been married for over 40 years with 3 kids. We've had quite a few of these conversations in the past where he would hint at not having kids so I would never take it too seriously and I always thought he'd just eventually change his mind. I wanted to mention counseling to him but i know he is very against it so that may be out of the picture.


I can fully understand your frustration and mixed emotions. I am in no way saying give up your dream of having a family. But don't quickly give up making that dream a reality with him.

While I fully support working with him to ease his fears. I do think at some point it would be in your best interest to reevaluate your future together if he flat refuses and his mind is truly made up. I just suggest to not do it in the way many of these others are suggesting. You deserve to have the children you desire. You still have 6-7 years of good fertility left.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

ConanHub said:


> Taking almost the entirety of a woman's fertile years before letting her in on the fact you don't want kids deserves a beat down at least in my book.
> 
> The tender little snowflake should have grown up a long time ago.


So you believe that he should be physically assaulted because he has hesitations on having children?.... I sure hope you are not a marriage counselor 😂


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So many posts about her biological clock ticking. She is only 32 years old, not 42. She still has plenty of time to have kids. Its getting more common for women to wait until mid to late 30s to have children that are perfectly healthy. And that is because they are in a far better place and far more stable to have children.


This is true if she stays married to the guy and he agrees to have children. Fertility significantly declines when a woman is in her 30s. A lot of women can't have children when they are 38, let alone 42. That gives her a short window of time to come up with a solution that allows her to have children. I agree that she should try to convince her husband, but she doesn't have time to think about it long. This decision has to be made soon or she will very likely lose her chance.

If you can't convince him, I'd try a last ditch effort and tell him that you are going off birth control now and see what happens. He may stop having sex with you or he may leave you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You want to test this?

Ask him to get a vasectomy and see if he's willing. If he refuses he's keeping HiS options open. Tell him you'll not be using birth control so if he's sure about not wanting kids let him get fixed.

No way I would choose a marriage over kids. My 2 grown boys are the best things I ever did.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So you believe that he should be physically assaulted because he has hesitations on having children?.... I sure hope you are not a marriage counselor 😂


It's a ****ty thing to do. Men have the kids option for a long time.

Women don't.

If I were her I'd walk right now, but I understand it's hard in the moment. Most of us are at a different point in life and have hindsight.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. What the hell is virtue signaling?





> the action or practice of publicly expressing opinions or sentiments intended to demonstrate one's good character or the moral correctness of one's position on a particular issue.


Like your beatdown statement.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

lifeistooshort said:


> You want to test this?
> 
> Ask him to get a vasectomy and see if he's willing. If he refuses he's keeping HiS options open. Tell him you'll not be using birth control so if he's sure about not wanting kids let him get fixed.
> 
> No way I would choose a marriage over kids. My 2 grown boys are the best things I ever did.


Ridiculous. Cornering with silly tests isn't helpful.

Find out why he feels the way he does. Maybe it's addressable. Maybe it isn't. At least at that point you have all the information for making a choice.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

lifeistooshort said:


> It's a ****ty thing to do. Men have the kids option for a long time.
> 
> Women don't.
> 
> If I were her I'd walk right now, but I understand it's hard in the moment. Most of us are at a different point in life and have hindsight.


True, most men can get a woman pregnant at any point in life. But a majority of men have no desire to have more kids after 40.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

BeeBee90 said:


> All of you have good points... leaving this marriage is the last thing I would want and the thought of dating just makes me cringe to be honest- I don't even know where I would begin. At the same time not having kids ever is completely off the table with me. To the guys- do you think convincing him is even possible, what can I say or do for him to even warm up to that idea?


It is hard to say if it is possible or not, but definitely start off gently, in conversation mode. Try to see if you can get more out of him regarding WHY he has had a change of heart. Is he really worried about being a bad father or is it something else? (Honestly if it is that, I would say there is a chance you can change his mind). 

Also, do make it very clear that your expectations when you agreed to marry were to have children with him, and kindly state that has not changed for you. 

The reason I say kindly and gently is because I personally am not changing my mind about anything if someone comes at me and tries to tell me what to do. That approach is likely going to reinforce his decision. 

That said, I do think you may have to let him know at some point that you are having kids with him or with someone else. Sorry you are going through this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BeeBee90 said:


> I see what you are saying and agree with you. I'm really really trying to understand where my husband is coming from with the fears and stuff but I am running out of ideas. It's weighing heavy on me but like I mentioned few min earlier divorcing my husband and dating other people is the last thing I would want, I don't even have the skills to do that.


Very few here are flat out telling you to leave him right now. What most people are basically telling you is that you must come to a conclusion sooner, rather than later as to where you will stand in the event that you get a clear message from your husband that he's not wanting children.

Divorcing your husband and dating other people may be the last thing you would want, but by the same token, you must be prepared psychologically and, emotionally for just that to happen if you want children.

For humans the skills to date come naturally (whether you're honed in those skill is another issue). You may seem right now completely lost as to what you would do, but once in the saddle you'll ride the horse.

Now as to trying to understand your husband and what to do to convince him, all you can do is talk to him and present your stand on the issue, he might or he might not be set into what he really wants, and he can tell you whatever you want to hear or not, but if he's set there's little that you can do. And if that's the case, then you need to decide if staying with him because you can't fathom life without him is an option for you. If you're willing to stay regardless, then you don't need any advice; you'll stay and that's that. 

There's not magical potion to give him and make him change his mind. right now he's thinking of himself only, not of you or the relationship. He already told you that probably he was meant to be alone. You should take heed to that statement because that's an indication that he's already preparing himself for you to call it quits, he knows it. He will ride this boat as long as you allow it. Really, its up to you whether you like it or not. He's just hoping you'll stay. 

if he changes his mind and is willing to have kids, then everything is alright. But, just so you know and don't get all surprised and hurt: if you two splits, there's the possibility of you hearing sooner or later of him having children with another woman, then you will know that it wasn't that he didn't want children, it was that he didn't want them WITH YOU.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So you believe that he should be physically assaulted because he has hesitations on having children?.... I sure hope you are not a marriage counselor 😂


In ministry. It's called the "Beat the hell out of you" ministry.😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Like your beatdown statement.


My beatdown statement was pure Conan and I meant it but it doesn't really speak about my virtue so much as where I came from.

Asshats got a beat down. This isn't medical advice, nor am I advising OP to take this course of action.

Not for everyone but this guy shouldn't be playing games with a woman's clock and there is no doubt he did.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> You want to test this?
> 
> Ask him to get a vasectomy and see if he's willing. If he refuses he's keeping HiS options open. Tell him you'll not be using birth control so if he's sure about not wanting kids let him get fixed.
> 
> No way I would choose a marriage over kids. My 2 grown boys are the best things I ever did.


Sweet!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownButNotOut said:


> Sure. It's a tough situation, and hard decisions have to be made on her priorities.
> 
> Starting dating at 32 and finding a husband wanting kids immediately is possible. But it isn't easy, and you might find the men that you want don't want you. Men in their 30's that are worth settling down with can date women in their 20's. Men in their 40's date women in their 30's, but they often are divorced with kids. Men over 45 that never settled down could be a great option. They're often feeling the same pressure the 30-something woman feels about settling down and finally starting a family. Often though the 30-something feels that man is too old for her. A man in his 20's will date a woman in her 30's but will he have the maturity to settle down and start a family with her?
> 
> A marriage solely because the man is willing to make a child often doesn't last as well. Once the child is here the shine wears off of such a man.


To be fair not all men seek or want younger women. When I was single again in my 40's, I met some nice guys seeking women of their own age, one being my now husband. In fact he is slightly younger than me. Didn't worry him at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You want to test this?
> 
> Ask him to get a vasectomy and see if he's willing. If he refuses he's keeping HiS options open. Tell him you'll not be using birth control so if he's sure about not wanting kids let him get fixed.
> 
> No way I would choose a marriage over kids. My 2 grown boys are the best things I ever did.


Same here. Having children was always non negotiable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BeeBee90 said:


> I see what you are saying and agree with you. I'm really really trying to understand where my husband is coming from with the fears and stuff but I am running out of ideas. It's weighing heavy on me but like I mentioned few min earlier divorcing my husband and dating other people is the last thing I would want, I don't even have the skills to do that. I come from a traditional family, my parents have been married for over 40 years with 3 kids. We've had quite a few of these conversations in the past where he would hint at not having kids so I would never take it too seriously and I always thought he'd just eventually change his mind. I wanted to mention counseling to him but i know he is very against it so that may be out of the picture.


You ignored red flags over the years in the hope that he would change his mind. After all these years he is more sure than ever. Some people just don't want children which is fine, but only if they are honest with any potential spouse. 
He wasn't honest and time is running out for you if you want children. 
If you stay you will probably have to accept that children are off the table. Can you live with that? He seems to be prepared to loose you rather than have a child, how does that make you feel? 
I think you know the two choices you have. Which is more important to you, staying married to him or having children? 
For many women having children would be more important. Are you one of them?

I think you will stay, hoping that one day he will suddenly change his mind. One day it will be too late and you will have to live with sadness and regret.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Ridiculous. Cornering with silly tests isn't helpful.
> 
> Find out why he feels the way he does. Maybe it's addressable. Maybe it isn't. At least at that point you have all the information for making a choice.


Conversations are fine...I support that.

But I disagree that it's a ridiculous test. Any guy who truly doesn't want children should be willing to get snipped. 

Too often we see a guy jerk his wife around regarding children only to knock them out with the next woman after he wastes her good fertile years. "Conversations" happen year over year while he stalls and bullshits.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> It is hard to say if it is possible or not, but definitely start off gently, in conversation mode. Try to see if you can get more out of him regarding WHY he has had a change of heart. Is he really worried about being a bad father or is it something else? (Honestly if it is that, I would say there is a chance you can change his mind).
> 
> Also, do make it very clear that your expectations when you agreed to marry were to have children with him, and kindly state that has not changed for you.
> 
> ...


He hasn't had a change of heart. He has been delaying it for many years. Op said she saw red flags over this issue.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

lifeistooshort said:


> Conversations are fine...I support that.
> 
> But I disagree that it's a ridiculous test. Any guy who truly doesn't want children should be willing to get snipped.
> 
> Too often we see a guy jerk his wife around regarding children only to knock them out with the next woman after he wastes her good fertile years. "Conversations" happen year over year while he stalls and bullshits.


Of course it's a ridiculous test. There's not even a right answer. Neither answer gets her closer to her goal. It's just trying to back him in a corner to force his hand.

For the record, I don't want any more children and I'm not getting cut for anyone, especially someone who comes at me like that.

As far as wasting her fertile years, well couldn't she bring the issue to a head sooner? Like before her clock is hitting midnight? This isn't a situation created solely by one individual.

I didn't say conversations. I said find out why. Maybe the answer is fixable which would be good news. Maybe it isn't. But either way knowing his 'why' will make the choices clearer.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's too simple in this case. Don't try and make him an unwilling father, it will never last. Resentment will build to a D regardless. 

But do leave and find another H who does want children. Speedily. 

Don't put it off. 

Good luck!


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

BeeBee90 said:


> I did ask him if he is afraid, he just keeps saying he doesn’t feel it in him to be a father


When a guy says something like that, believe him. At this point even if you go to counseling and convince him to have kids, it won't last. You'll end up raising the kid by yourself.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> He hasn't had a change of heart. He has been delaying it for many years. Op said she saw red flags over this issue.


I guess my point is that if she wants to get anywhere with regards to what he is thinking, an aggressive head-on scream-til-he-feels-guilty-and-changes-his-mind is going to backfire in a huge way. 

And....we do not actually know how dug in he is. She needs to find out. Without getting him MORE dug in.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DownButNotOut said:


> Of course it's a ridiculous test. There's not even a right answer. Neither answer gets her closer to her goal. It's just trying to back him in a corner to force his hand.
> 
> For the record, I don't want any more children and I'm not getting cut for anyone, especially someone who comes at me like that.
> 
> ...


We'll have to agree to disagree.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> I guess my point is that if she wants to get anywhere with regards to what he is thinking, an aggressive head-on scream-til-he-feels-guilty-and-changes-his-mind is going to backfire in a huge way.
> 
> And....we do not actually know how dug in he is. She needs to find out. Without getting him MORE dug in.


I doubt she would act that way, but who knows. I think she needs to respect his decision and made her decision accordingly.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> I guess my point is that if she wants to get anywhere with regards to what he is thinking, an aggressive head-on scream-til-he-feels-guilty-and-changes-his-mind is going to backfire in a huge way.
> 
> And....we do not actually know how dug in he is. She needs to find out. Without getting him MORE dug in.


I agree with that first part. The second part, I would say if they've been together since high school she should know him well enough to known this well before she was 32. While he should have been upfront, she shouldn't have just hoped it'd all work out despite the red flags.

When guys want something, they usually talk about it. I'd bet he never brought up the topic of kids and when it was brought up he danced around and changed the subject as fast as he could.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

lifeistooshort said:


> Conversations are fine...I support that.
> 
> But I disagree that it's a ridiculous test. Any guy who truly doesn't want children should be willing to get snipped.
> 
> Too often we see a guy jerk his wife around regarding children only to knock them out with the next woman after he wastes her good fertile years. "Conversations" happen year over year while he stalls and bullshits.


Oftentimes the female is to blame in a situation like that.... When baby fever hits a female, the biological urge shuts their brain down. All they can think about are babies, baby clothes, baby names, baby books, baby stuff.

When my friend got married, baby fever hit her in less than a year. He said she was like a deer during the rut and any sense of logic or thinking waa gone. He was so f'ing tired of ovulation test boxes, bags of baby items, etc. He said the absolute worst part was feeling like nothing more than a tool to get her pregnant. Everything was about sex on certain days, certain positions, and him taking certain vitamins, no alcohol and so on.

I remember he would lie about working late, not feeling well, etc. She eventually got pregnant and she completely changed. She quit focusing on the relationship, sex stopped, and she demanded him to be home all the time. 

I am not saying this is always the case. But women seem to oftentines change and lose all sense of logic when that urge hits. This behavior oftentimes scares a guy as well.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

DownButNotOut said:


> Ridiculous. Cornering with silly tests isn't helpful.
> 
> Find out why he feels the way he does. Maybe it's addressable. Maybe it isn't. At least at that point you have all the information for making a choice.


Some people are just never going to tell the truth. I’m not in the habit of playing games, but asking him to get a vasectomy is a good idea. It sounds like he’s been delaying and delaying (let’s face it, people usually marry to have sex and have kids and build a life together, not as a box to tick off and then make big decisions. He’s been not ready for the entire marriage). 

Nobody is going to come out and say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you, I’m looking for something else, you’re not my type, I was into marriage for about 6 months and it’s not my thing. But I can’t take the giant step of divorcing you, so I’m going to drag this out and hope you leave quietly, or not leave and just stop asking me for stuff so that I can get on with doing what I like. I’d even prefer that we don’t split up! Shh, nobody else has to know who I really am, so I’ll agree to things here and there. And if you do finally leave me, within another 6 months I’ll be with someone new. And nobody’s going to believe your story because I’ll be having sex, kids, going out with my new wife/husband and posting our photos all over social media prolifically! I’ll finally be happy away from you!’ But not just yet, I think I’ll stay put and tell you vague things’

A spouse can tell you that sex really isn’t important to them, they’re not really social creatures and they’d prefer to stay home then attend YOUR friends’ weddings and birthdays, that they aren’t affectionate, that they’re not really curious or talkative people, that they’ve decided they don’t want kids. And on and on. But give them a break up and a new person, they can suddenly do all of this stuff. It’s painful, but they usually decided very soon after the wedding they didn’t like being married to you all that much. Don’t even torture yourself wanting to know why. Put it back in them that they stupidly wasted their own time and not yours. You’re worth more than that. 

So yes, ask about that vasectomy if you are not getting the truth, because unless he’s spoken up in 7 years and actually told you he wants to leave, he’s keeping the truth from you. And to me that ‘truth’ seems to be he wants to be alone if you say it’s a dealbreaker. Now whether he stays alone or decides he wants kids with someone else? He would have had a vasectomy pronto already. Ask about the vasectomy.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Luckylucky said:


> Some people are just never going to tell the truth. I’m not in the habit of playing games, but asking him to get a vasectomy is a good idea. It sounds like he’s been delaying and delaying (let’s face it, people usually marry to have sex and have kids and build a life together, not as a box to tick off and then make big decisions. He’s been not ready for the entire marriage).
> 
> Nobody is going to come out and say, ‘I don’t want to be married to you, I’m looking for something else, you’re not my type, I was into marriage for about 6 months and it’s not my thing. But I can’t take the giant step of divorcing you, so I’m going to drag this out and hope you leave quietly, or not leave and just stop asking me for stuff so that I can get on with doing what I like. I’d even prefer that we don’t split up! Shh, nobody else has to know who I really am, so I’ll agree to things here and there. And if you do finally leave me, within another 6 months I’ll be with someone new. And nobody’s going to believe your story because I’ll be having sex, kids, going out with my new wife/husband and posting our photos all over social media prolifically! I’ll finally be happy away from you!’ But not just yet, I think I’ll stay put and tell you vague things’
> 
> ...


This doesn't seem to make a bit of sense. 

"But give them a break up and a new person, they can suddenly do all of this stuff. It’s painful, but they usually decided very soon after the wedding they didn’t like being married to you all that much. "

What?????


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If he doesn't want kids, tell him to schedule his vasectomy.

If does schedule it and you want kids, you know what to do... end it.

If he doesn't schedule, you know he may want kids, but probably not with you, and you know what to do, end it.

If you force him to proceed, it won't work either......

So basically, if you want kids and he doesn't, that is a dealbreaker.

Sorry this happened to you... it sucks.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> This doesn't seem to make a bit of sense.
> 
> "But give them a break up and a new person, they can suddenly do all of this stuff. It’s painful, but they usually decided very soon after the wedding they didn’t like being married to you all that much. "
> 
> What?????


It goes with what the other poster was saying: if he doesn’t want a vasectomy, he’s keeping his options open with someone else. It sounds like he’s dragged her along but also indicating it’s in her court to end the marriage. If she runs the idea past him to get a vasectomy, his reaction will tell her everything. He wants to be a father, just not with her.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It goes with what the other poster was saying: if he doesn’t want a vasectomy, he’s keeping his options open with someone else. It sounds like he’s dragged her along but also indicating it’s in her court to end the marriage. If she runs the idea past him to get a vasectomy, his reaction will tell her everything. He wants to be a father, just not with her.


I get the logic on that. But it's possible to not want a vasectomy and also not want to be a father. Some guys are weird about it, which I don't understand why they aren't weird about having to pay child support for 18yrs.

If they have been together since high school a lot of this could be lack of experience on both parts. He didn't want to lose the only chick he's ever been with so he kept kicking the can. Was that right, no. But she also kept letting him kick the can and just hoped he'd magically change. Based on what she said, I don't think he ever wants to be a father at all. He's just scared to tell her until recently.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Luckylucky said:


> It goes with what the other poster was saying: if he doesn’t want a vasectomy, he’s keeping his options open with someone else. It sounds like he’s dragged her along but also indicating it’s in her court to end the marriage. If she runs the idea past him to get a vasectomy, his reaction will tell her everything. He wants to be a father, just not with her.


I believe this is one of the most outrageously silly suggestions and group of assumptions I have read in a while.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I believe this is one of the most outrageously silly suggestions and group of assumptions I have read in a while.


That he may wants kids but not with her? I think that is a reasonable assessment of why he told her he doesn't want kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

re16 said:


> That he may wants kids but not with her? I think that is a reasonable assessment of why he told her he doesn't want kids.


I don't see it that way. I don't think he wants them at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not every person wants to be — or should be — a parent. Have a serious talk with him but if he says absolutely not then accept that he knows his own mind and don't manipulate him to change it. I very, very strongly wanted a child and that’s something I would have divorced over. You’ll have to decide if it’s something you’re willing to divorce over if he says no way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If it isn't anything financial like his fear of having to pay child support someday as many men do fear, and if you are okay financially yourself, I guess there's nothing to stop you from moving out and having a baby through artificial insemination although I assume that runs into a bunch of money unless you can find a volunteer. And then if you guys still wanted to hang around each other you could but not in the same home. 

Otherwise I think you might as well move out and start dating. I don't have any gauge on whether he is wanting to stay in your relationship or leave your relationship. But if he's not wanting to leave the relationship it would certainly shake his tree if you made it clear you were going to leave and find someone else to have a baby with.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I was afraid too and now I’m the happy father of ten. Of course, being married in the church I couldn’t deny church teaching that the primary end of marriage is the procreation and education of children. It took me about three years of marriage to commit- at age 25. I certainly wasn’t even ready to be a “dad” but always had the thought that I’d be a dad someday. Best thing I’ve ever done- the hardest too but by far the most rewarding.

It sure doesn’t help that the world seems to have gone of the deep end… I can understand hubby’s reluctance. Hopefully he’ll come around… keep inviting the nieces and nephews over. 😆


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It seems like there may be more to this than is on the surface. Regardless, the time for wait-and-see is past. I would ask, point blank, if he’s completely sure he doesn’t want children. If he says yes, he is sure, and you know that you DO want kids, then separate and file. Kids or no kids is a BIG deal, and even though millions of parents go it alone and are extremely successful, it’s a LOT easier if there are two of you. And the very last thing anyone should knowingly do is have kids with someone who doesn’t want them. There’s a HUGE difference between being scared to have kids (normal and rational, mine is 13 and I’m still scared 😳 😉) and genuinely knowing in your heart a family isn’t for you.


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

Well I am planning on having that conversation today so wish me luck everyone hah… this could go really well or really bad. 🙏


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BeeBee90 said:


> Well I am planning on having that conversation today so wish me luck everyone hah… this could go really well or really bad. 🙏


I hope it goes ok for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BeeBee90 said:


> Well I am planning on having that conversation today so wish me luck everyone hah… this could go really well or really bad. 🙏


Praying for you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully, it will all go well.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@BeeBee90, how are you doing? How did your conversation go?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

@BeeBee90 I too hope you've come to some decision or course of action. How did the conversation go?


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## BeeBee90 (11 mo ago)

Hey guys, thank you so much for your support and questions on how it went. Well… it was emotional and he told me he is willing to do it for me but obviously to me that’s not the way to go. I want both of us to go thru with it because we both want it deeply not because he feels obligated to do so, we all know what that could lead to…resentment. I think for now we may have to just separate and see where things go. We don’t want to jump into a divorce just yet.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BeeBee90 said:


> Hey guys, thank you so much for your support and questions on how it went. Well… it was emotional and he told me he is willing to do it for me but obviously to me that’s not the way to go. I want both of us to go thru with it because we both want it deeply not because he feels obligated to do so, we all know what that could lead to…resentment. I think for now we may have to just separate and see where things go. We don’t want to jump into a divorce just yet.


I wasn't excited about having a baby. I did it for my husband. I never resented him for it, because I love my children. I can only imagine how I would be today without them. Not nearly as happy, that's for sure. 
If your husband is willing to have children with you, you should not expect him to be resentful about something he agreed to. I recommend you have that discussion with him and see if you can work this out without separating or divorcing.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I don't see the point of separating. What would you hope to accomplish by doing so?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> I don't see the point of separating. What would you hope to accomplish by doing so?


I agree. You either end the marriage and hope you meet a guy who is keen to be a father, (because you know he doesn't really want children, and believe me, children will know if one parent didn't want them), or you stay and have a very reluctant father or remain childless.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> I wasn't excited about having a baby. I did it for my husband. I never resented him for it, because I love my children. I can only imagine how I would be today without them. Not nearly as happy, that's for sure.
> If your husband is willing to have children with you, you should not expect him to be resentful about something he agreed to. I recommend you have that discussion with him and see if you can work this out without separating or divorcing.


Women often say that a guy can never imagine what it's like to have a baby, something growing inside you and all that jazz. Well as a woman you can't imagine what it's like to not have that. To not have that connection. I know guys who love their kid, but resent the living hell out of the mother.

Plus why become a parent with a guy that has to be brow beaten into it, as a woman wouldn't you want someone who actually wants to be a parent.


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