# Have I lost my wife?



## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

Hey all,

I am looking for advice and maybe support.

I moved from Europe to the U.S. to marry my American wife in October of 2011 (after many lengthy vacations together since 2008). I entered the country on a Fiance Visa and around Thanksgiving 2012, after a very slow and lengthy process, have finally received my green card (and work authorization).

At that time I tried obtaining a job but that process too was slow and unrewarding. I fell into a state of mild depression and home sickness, I mostly ended up behind the computer or tv.
I realized what was happening but had a lot of trouble resolving the issue. I came to my wife several times asking for help, but I was unclear about what I was asking help with.

In doing so I was hurting my wife and a few weeks back she came to me letting me know I had broken her heart.
She expected more from me than I had done and told me I needed to either get my act together or prepare for divorce.
This was a major wake-up call and I have done a complete 180.
I have since taken over 100% of the housework and started applying to vacancies. This time without discrimination applying to everything that is available (This payed off and I finally have an interview scheduled next Tuesday).

However the harder I've been trying to work on this, the further she withdraws from me. 
She is also seeing another man (who lives with a girlfriend of his own). She claimed to have no feelings for him and had told him she would not go see him again. However she did not break off contact completely. Instead she continued to talk to him over the phone and internet. Last Valentine's day she was upset and said she needed some time alone to go read a book in a local park. I found out however she went to go see him again. 
After this she fell ill and I have been taking care of her as I have always done in the past. Yesterday, when she was supposed to return to work, she told me she didn't feel well enough to go to work so I told her to call out sick. A few hours later she told me she was going to see the other man again (4th time).

Up to this point I do not believe they have had physical relations, however I still feel she is cheating on me.
I continue to work hard on fixing our marriage, however she just continues to shut me out more and more. 
This is an issue she knows she has. 
When something hurts, or has hurt her she shuts it out completely until enough time has passed for her to distance herself from the pain. 

Just 2 weeks ago she was willing to fight for our marriage and willing to move to Europe with me if things didn't work out here.
She admits I have been doing everything she asked for and more since the day she told me I had broken her heart.
Yet she is emotionally withdrawing from me more almost every day (there are some better days, but not many).

She is willing to try some things with me, including marriage counselling. But she continues to remind me that her heart is no longer in it. She also tells me she will not stop seeing this other man.

Thank you for reading through my ramblings.

I would greatly appreciate any opinion or advice any of you would be able to give me.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

it may just be me but sorry it is a PA, you dont run out to meet a guy and not get physical. she is done with the marriage she is trying to push you to divorce her so you look like the bad guy to her family.

you are her security blanket and plan B he is plan a and as soon as plan A falls into place she will leave.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

The reason I do not believe this is a physical relationship at this time is because:
1: She is an incredibly bad liar (which is how I've known she has been going to see him again).
2: She suffers from some physical insecurity and did not perform any personal grooming prior to meeting with this other man at any of the 4 times she went there.

In time though I have no doubt that the relationship would turn physical.

Though she has mentioned she is willing to stay married to me until I gain citizenship, I have made very clear to her that I have no desire to stay around for this, if we end up splitting up. I moved to the U.S. for her and though I certainly have suffered a period of adjustment and home sickness I have never regretted moving here for her. However, I have no desire to stick around and watch her date other guys.


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## NelsonTrouble (Jan 5, 2013)

She seems pretty open about still seeing this other man and that her heart is no longer in your marriage. My thought is, what are you hoping to achieve or believe within reason can/will happen if you continue to hope for a future with her?


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## NelsonTrouble (Jan 5, 2013)

It may be time to start considering a move back to France.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

My hope is that she will open up her heart to me and our marriage.
As I mentioned she closes herself off to things that have hurt her. I have seen her do this before to friends, family and to me.
After time passes this has always been resolved.
As things are however, time appears short.

And I am not French. I said I am from Europe which contains around 50 different countries.

Leaving has certainly been on my mind. However I can not leave without fighting for our marriage. 
I asked my wife before to give me 4 months to prove our marriage is not lost. At this point she became very sad saying 4 months is so short.
I have since remembered flight restrictions on animals will be in effect within 4 months and I will not leave without my dog (my dog moved to the U.S. with me). So I have told my wife I will remain here until September to work on our marriage.
Like I said though she continues to withdraw emotionally and her thoughts do shift from day to day, but she now believes September is so very far away.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You might want to head on over to the Coping with Infidelity section, because you are right - she is cheating on you.

Not only is she cheating, but she's rubbing your face in it.

Read the newbie link in my signature for a start.

Unless you enjoy being a cuckold, you need to stand up to her and let her know this is NOT acceptable. AT ALL. She either stops communicating with this other man in ANY way or you are done.

And get tested for STD's, because the chances she hasn't had sex are quite small. No matter what you think.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

I posted here because my depression and home sickness are what started the situation.

For the time being, I will trust that she has not had sex with him yet, naive as it may be.

Does anyone have any information on marriage counselling?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

FeelingLost84 said:


> I posted here because my depression and home sickness are what started the situation.


So you blame yourself for her cheating?



FeelingLost84 said:


> Does anyone have any information on marriage counselling?


MC will do absolutely NO good while she is seeing the OM. None whatsoever.

IC for you, however, is a good plan. Does your job have coverage for you for it?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

FeelingLost84 said:


> I posted here because my depression and home sickness are what started the situation.
> 
> *For the time being, I will trust that she has not had sex with him yet, naive as it may be.*
> 
> Does anyone have any information on marriage counselling?


Then the marriage is over already. You are trying to reconcile with your wife but you are both hiding your collective heads in the sand. She is avoiding you and the marriage by engaging in a fantasy with another man. And you are avoiding the ugliness of her betrayal by pretending its not as bad as it most assuredly is. Unless you BOTH start taking this seriously and BOTH open your eyes to reality all you are doing is postponing the inevitable.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to let the gf of the OM know he is cheating with your wife.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Sorry, this has gone PA and you're getting the Trickle Truth. She was in the affair since before she told you that you broke her heart. This is similar to the ILYBINILWY (I love you but I'm not in love with you) speech. This is because her affair with the OM was already in full swing.

You're doing the worst thing a BS (Betrayed Spouse) can do: Work on the marriage. You notice that the more you do, the more she pulls away, right? 

Does the OMGF (Other Man's Girlfriend) know about his affair with your wife? If not, then....










She's also most likely using her phone to keep in contact with OM. You need to get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and plant it under her seat in her car.










She's also most likely using the computer to keep in contact with him. For this, you need a keylogger/Computer monitoring software.










Start working on detaching from her. Do the 180. If you need to find the links to the 180, let me know. And whatever you do, DO NOT










Because then you are continuing to enable her affair. Right now you are being cuckolded it. Its time that you respect yourself and demand that she respect you and your marriage, because right now she sees you as a doormat. And the more you act like a doormat, the less attractive you are to her.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

One of the main issues I keep coming back to is that we would be throwing away our relationship, and all the hard work we both put in for the legal immigration process, based on events of the past weeks. This all started in mid-late January.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

At this time I do not know how to get in touch with his girlfriend. 
They live in gated apartment complex and I do not know which apartment.
I also do not know the name of his girlfriend or what she looks like.

Something I am capable of doing, but am not sure if I should, is confronting him personally.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

This does seem to be the main topic that keeps coming up and I think it best I re-post this in the infidelity forums.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

feeling we are not picking on you...i may seem that way but WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!! we know what you are going through what emotions you are going through and HOW TO HANDLE IT! i was cheated on 9 years ago same thing you are saying is what i said.

cheaters follow a script almost to a T. your wife is no different except most try and hide it yours is not! we want you to be married we want you to have a long happy married life. you will but not with this woman


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't feel picked on.
I admit to hoping to find a solution to make my current marriage work, but I also try to stay realistic.
This forum allows me to vent, get other peoples opinions, find new insights and more. 
Right now I feel lost. I am seemingly alone in a foreign country with a wife that cuddles up to me every night, tells me how much she misses me if I am gone for a day, tells me she loves me and at the same time is steering us to a divorce and seeing another man and tells me she is not IN love with me anymore.

If there is any chance I find a resolution on this forum, be it for me alone or for us both, I believe it is worth coming here.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can PM a mod to move your thread rather than start a new one.

The only way to save your marriage is to be willing to end it. Read my story (linked in my sig) and you'll see what I did on D day and how long we've been successfully in R. And my story isn't unique. Petty much every BS who has successfully R'd has either kicked out their spouse or immediately gone dark and not put up with ANYthing whatsoever.

The fact you're in a foreign country does complicate things, but if you let her know that's a reason you won't end things, she has ammunition and she WILL use it on you.


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## FeelingLost84 (Feb 21, 2013)

The other thread is already up.

As I said there "It is almost time to pick her up from work" (we had lunch together and I dropped her off there earlier)
I think I will swing by the liquor store to pick up a bottle of whisky and try to figure out if I will talk to her tonight or tomorrow.


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