# how do I tell him about my "friend"?



## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Long story short a little over 2 years no sex, I knew I was to blame so I worked on getting my drive back. I didn't say anything to him about this. I spoke to my doctor, had a full work up stopped taking my meds due to side effects. Still nothing, :scratchhead: so I bought myself a "friend" Hitachi magic wand to be exact  well that plus a lot of hard work has done the trick! So Friday night I bit the bullet and threw myself out there. We had a great night, but now I feel I need to tell him about my friend... and I'm not sure how... I even bought an attachment for him. 
Should I just ring it out during a romp or should I tell him about it? 
HELP!!!!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Have you ever asked him what he thinks about toys?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

The next time you (or he) initiates sex, just bring the toys with you! I'm sure he'll be all  about it! H#ll, my hubs buys toys for us to use!


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Toys...bring 'em!


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Many years ago we had toys, I threw them out one night while I was pissed. 
So I'm thinking it will be a happy surprise but I'm a little embarrassed but I'm hoping it will show how much I have put in to trying to save our marriage.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I like toys. In fact I bought that exact one for my wife. I would be fine if she used it on her own. She admitted that she tried it alone once, but really didn't get much out of it. She much prefers it when I'm the one controlling it.

That said, I'm not so sure I'd bring up the fact that you replaced him with a toy all while you were sexless with him. That would be pretty insulting. You've had sex one time after an absence of over 2 years. This is way too soon to throw that little tit-bit into his face.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

southern wife said:


> The next time you (or he) initiates sex, just bring the toys with you! I'm sure he'll be all  about it! H#ll, my hubs buys toys for us to use!


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

COnsidering you had no sex for two years (from what i recall from your other thread) and only just now are starting to have sex again, bringing in the toys might be a bit much, a bit fast. Enjoy a few weeks of regular sex first before planning on heading further.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

yes true I had no sex for 2 years and just the past maybe 3 months started working on myself.... I only got the toy 2 weeks ago when I wasn't getting anywhere by myself... I want to be close to him. I dont want to jump right in with the toy but I also dont want to hide it from him either... I also don't want to go back to how things were and I know I have a lot of control over that, since I'm the one who put us there to begin with.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> replaced him with a toy all while you were sexless with him. That would be pretty insulting.


I didn't replace him during that time i had no drive at all. I finally spoke to my doctor about it. I started off with just being mad so with holding, but then I just kinda forgot about it.... no urge was there. So after lots of testing and counseling. This is where I am. 


Buying that for myself was way out of my comfort zone so was using it alone, I feel guilty. ( I was raised that you do NOT do that and sex is only for procreating. Thus is why I needed the counseling!) However I feel it also helped bring things back.

And it wasn't only one time this weekend


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

allworx said:


> And it wasn't only one time this weekend




Love that! haha


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Does your hubs know about everthing else you did to get your drive back?

If so, at some point tell him that you did buy the toy and as part of your continued "recovery" you'd love to have him use it with you

For rihjt now though, leave the toy out of it and concentrate re-connecting with him alone on a physical level for the next few weeks


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

I'm not sure that he is aware of how hard I worked on improving myself to get to where I am now... and I want him to know, but I don't want him to think I'm looking for something in return. 
I can't imagine he thinks I just flipped a switch and bam all is OK. Then again you never know.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

allworx said:


> Long story short a little over 2 years no sex, I knew I was to blame so I worked on getting my drive back. I didn't say anything to him about this. I spoke to my doctor, had a full work up stopped taking my meds due to side effects. Still nothing, :scratchhead: so I bought myself a "friend" Hitachi magic wand to be exact  well that plus a lot of hard work has done the trick! So Friday night I bit the bullet and threw myself out there. We had a great night, but now I feel I need to tell him about my friend... and I'm not sure how... I even bought an attachment for him.
> Should I just ring it out during a romp or should I tell him about it?
> HELP!!!!


Wow.. you are something else. Good for you for doing what is needed to get back on track!!!


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Toffer said:


> OP,
> 
> Does your hubs know about everthing else you did to get your drive back?
> 
> ...


No we have never spoke of it. I knew I was losing him and this marriage so I knew I had to do something.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

allworx said:


> I'm not sure that he is aware of how hard I worked on improving myself to get to where I am now... and I want him to know, but I don't want him to think I'm looking for something in return.
> I can't imagine he thinks I just flipped a switch and bam all is OK. Then again you never know.


Start slowly telling him about how you wanted to get back on track for both of you. So you saw a doctor about your low drive. Start that way with some small talk about it.. then answer his questions. it might all come out at once or it might take a few conversations.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Start slowly telling him about how you wanted to get back on track for both of you. So you saw a doctor about your low drive. Start that way with some small talk about it.. then answer his questions. it might all come out at once or it might take a few conversations.


Thanks, tomorrow night we are kidless so I plain on talking to him about it some then. I will follow his lead on it.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

allworx said:


> Long story short a little over 2 years no sex, I knew I was to blame so I worked on getting my drive back. I didn't say anything to him about this. I spoke to my doctor, had a full work up stopped taking my meds due to side effects. Still nothing, :scratchhead: so I bought myself a "friend" Hitachi magic wand to be exact  well that plus a lot of hard work has done the trick! So Friday night I bit the bullet and threw myself out there. We had a great night, but now I feel I need to tell him about my friend... and I'm not sure how... I even bought an attachment for him.
> Should I just ring it out during a romp or should I tell him about it?
> HELP!!!!


Stop thinking too hard about it, he will be fine


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

No No, He could NOT handle it! HaHa, I said handle! Of course tell him and show him. What is the problem? Do not buy something Black and 12 inches long and call it your new boyfriend. Just say it feels good and you love him for putting up with you for two years. Good Luck and MC and HN David


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Ok so date night was last night but it didn't go so well. He was to busy playing with his phone, he wouldn't put it down I wound up just sitting there at 1point I went to the restroom and he didn't even know I was gone. Needless to say I'm doing all this work to trying and save this but getting really pissed that he isn't noticing. So he still doesn't know what I have done to improve myself for us. I tried to discuss it but all I got was mm hmm, ok and I knew he wasn't listening that's when I just stopped. At home it's the same he is on his couch with iPad and completely zoned out. Any advice?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Hide the iPad, or better yet, use it to play a game of catch with a woodchipper.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Yes

Turn it on for him. get a nice outfit on and make it clear that you wnat him then and there

As the two of you lay back in the after glow, start by saying that you're sorry for what seemed to be you ignoring his needs in the past. Tell him that while you weren;t ignoring him, you just didn't feel ANY drive and knew it was hurting him so YOU took matters into your own hands, went to the doc, got off meds and learned how to be a more sexual being again for HIM because you love him and want to be with him

After you get your sex life more focused on each other and away from iPads and smart phones, tell him again that you're glad you put the effort into improving yourself for him. He hopefully will appreciate it. 

Then start to tell him that some of the articles you researched urged you to "experiment" with your own body to get back in touch with your sexuality. One of the suggestions was a vibrator to get those feelings going so you bought one

let the rest of the conversation and the evening go from there. Hopefully it will go well!


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Kings fan I wish I could get my hands on his iPad or phone... They even got to the bathroom with him and he places them under his pillow at night.....


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Toffer the phone last night brought back all of my insecurities.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How did you try and intiate last night? Were you maybe a little too subtle?


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## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

Men typically don't take hints very well. Be direct. Also, some men has said that after being told "no" for a long time, they will sometimes be reluctant to automatically go along with the wife if she finally initiates sex. They sometimes have a tendency for payback... in order to let her know how it feels. Sometimes, if the wife has said no for a really long time, they're sexual passion and desire for her can be replaced with resentment.

I'd suggest being very direct about initial sex and conversations and find out what's in his head.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

We got to the restaurant, there was a short wait so we made small talk how was your day and so forth. We go to the table our normal waitress comes over she knows our order she leaves, phone is already in his hand. I said I have a few things I'd like to talk to you about, can you put the phone down... I got an ok put phone still up... So I waited then asked him again, which I was told hold on I'm just checking is in, then their was an email for work that he had been waiting on all day. So I got up and went to the bathroom where I took a long hard look on the mirror and hated what I saw. I composed my self went back to the table and he didn't even know I had left. I asked if he was done so we could talk no answer so I say there the phone didn't even get put away when the food came. We left I told him how disappointed I was and how disrespectful he was and then the kids were in the car. We got home and he went to bed.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Revel, he is having no problem having sex with me.... Just doesn't want to talk


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I know this is hard. I've been your husband, except in my case it was me who finally started trying to fix it. You need to know that he is still in drought mode. He expects that what happened recently was a one time fluke. At least that's what I would be thinking.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I know this is hard. I've been your husband, except in my case it was me who finally started trying to fix it. You need to know that he is still in drought mode. He expects that what happened recently was a one time fluke. At least that's what I would be thinking.


So how do I get past it and show him it's not? Even though I did not want sex this morning I still did I was feeling hurt and rejected. Am I being tested?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

After two years of nothing he is now stuck in the grove of nothing being on the table.

So maybe be less subtle, for example at the restaurant, if you came back without your panties on, and slipped them into his pocket then whispered into his ear what you had just done, and suggest you'd like him to take advantage of it ASAP when you get home, the results maybe different .

Or if he's glued to the device, send him sexts.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I really think that having the conversation that Toffer suggested will be helpful. Do it after sex when he's more open to talking.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I'm on my iPhone my wife will text me to come to bed.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

allworx said:


> So how do I get past it and show him it's not? Even though I did not want sex this morning I still did I was feeling hurt and rejected. Am I being tested?


The two of you just aren't communicating very well.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I really think that having the conversation that Toffer suggested will be helpful. Do it after sex when he's more open to talking.


I'll give this a shot.... Thanks


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> The two of you just aren't communicating very well.


No we aren't communicating at all!


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If I'm on my iPhone my wife will text me to come to bed.


I almost sent him a text of hey remember me the woman sitting across from you but I thought that might be a little *****y


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

One more point - It's probably not best to try and have sex related conversations in a public place like a resturant unless it's limited to whispered conversations like this:

I am so gonna rock your world when we get home from dinner tonigt (as you stuff your panties either into his hand (be sure to close his hand around them) or his pocket


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As to the original question about how to tell him about your magic wand....go to bed early. Then send him a text asking him to come to bed. When he comes in, let him find you sprawled out on top of the bedspread "demonstrating" the, um, efficiency of the magic wand. Pretty sure I would react very well to that.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

allworx said:


> Ok so date night was last night but it didn't go so well. He was to busy playing with his phone, he wouldn't put it down I wound up just sitting there at 1point I went to the restroom and he didn't even know I was gone. Needless to say I'm doing all this work to trying and save this but getting really pissed that he isn't noticing. So he still doesn't know what I have done to improve myself for us. I tried to discuss it but all I got was mm hmm, ok and I knew he wasn't listening that's when I just stopped. At home it's the same he is on his couch with iPad and completely zoned out. Any advice?


You robbed your husband of sex for years, and you're getting "pretty pissed" that he isn't noticing your subtle attempts after a few weeks?

You need to look into investing at least 2 additional years in trying to restore the damage you did to your marriage, and your husband. You created a sexless marriage. You can't be shocked that your man has learned to live in it.

Have you also really explored how, despite all the work you put in, an electronic "back massager" was able to magically open up your sexual flood gates?


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Well I had no plan of a full blown sex talk however the tables are very very private... Lol it's a quaint Italian place very romantic and incredible food


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

jaquen said:


> You robbed your husband of sex for years, and you're getting "pretty pissed" that he isn't noticing your subtle attempts after a few weeks?
> 
> You need to look into investing at least 2 additional years in trying to restore the damage you did to your marriage, and your husband. You created a sexless marriage. You can't be shocked that your man has learned to live in it.
> 
> Have you also really explored how, despite all the work you put in, an electronic "back massager" was able to magically open up your sexual flood gates?


I am not the only one to blame for where we are... Yes I denied him however he was no angel.... We have been through hell and back between infertility, 2 fail adoptions 2 affairs on his end when we were very sexually active which resulted in a STD being how I even found out about them so yes I did deny him and had a major major self esteem issue after which I am still working on, hence the therapist. But I'm trying here.....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

allworx said:


> I am not the only one to blame for where we are... Yes I denied him however he was no angel.... We have been through hell and back between infertility, 2 fail adoptions 2 affairs on his end when we were very sexually active which resulted in a STD being how I even found out about them so yes I did deny him and had a major major self esteem issue after which I am still working on, hence the therapist. But I'm trying here.....


This would have been crucial information to include in the OP, versus painting a portrait that featured you as the sole perpetrator of the sexless state of your marriage.

Mentioning that there is a history of infidelity, full blown affairs, and the transmission of an STD, not to mention the fact that you were once "very sexually active", would radically affect the kind of responses you get to the troubles you're facing.

There is a whole host of other factors to consider now that this kind of info comes to light.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

I know..... Honestly I'm scared..... I thought having a sexually relationship an bring back the freak in me... May save us.... I wasn't sure how to approach it.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

allworx said:


> I know..... Honestly I'm scared..... I thought having a sexually relationship an bring back the freak in me... May save us.... I wasn't sure how to approach it.


Well it just seems like the last thing you need to be worrying about is telling your husband about your wand.

When is the last time you guys had sex? Does your husband seem committed to the marriage at all?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I believe they had sex this morning. She's upped the frequency. Unfortunately she upped the frequency with a passive hope that he would "get it" and start communicating with her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jacquen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry!

Jacquen is right about all this new info

Have the 2 of you had any marriage. counseling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

allworx said:


> Kings fan I wish I could get my hands on his iPad or phone... They even got to the bathroom with him and he places them under his pillow at night.....


I hate to say this, but that looks like a major red flag. Who is he communicating with on the phone and the iPad?


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

1st affair was during our adoption in 2004/05 2nd was 2009 he has refused mc that's why I went to a therapist by myself. As far as who he is talking with I have no clue. He reads a lot on his iPad which is why it goes to bed with him.... I think.... He says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce, yes I have asked him if he wanted one. The 1st affair I found out about while with my father in law we walked in on them at a wedding, she worked for the family and we were in the middle of our adoption and things were completely crazy. The second I had no clue of until my pap. It was about that time I stopped having sex with him.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

allworx,

The affairs your husband has had have had a huge impact on you. Unfortunately, his refusal to seek any type of counseling to deal with the issues that led to his affairs have only resulted in a huge chasm between the two of you.

Why do you stay with a man who has shown you time and time again (and continues to do so) that you're not important to him?


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Toffer said:


> allworx,
> 
> The affairs your husband has had have had a huge impact on you. Unfortunately, his refusal to seek any type of counseling to deal with the issues that led to his affairs have only resulted in a huge chasm between the two of you.
> 
> Why do you stay with a man who has shown you time and time again (and continues to do so) that you're not important to him?


The 1st one I take a lot of blame for... our adoption was a bad one, everyday we had someone in and out of the house, my aunt who lived 3 doors down was dying from cancer (h was very close to her and this was his 1st time dealing with any illness or death) everyday was a struggle we didn't know if it would be our last day with the kids. (GP were contesting adoption) So all of my energy was on them and my aunt. I shut everyone out, friends didn't see them didn't call them, quit my job, and spent every minute I had with my kids or my aunt. I was an awful wife but I was dying on the inside, my heart was being ripped out and I had no control over what was happening. So he turned to someone else, it started as a friendship someone for him to talk to, she was my friend to and the families office manager. So she knew everything going on. I was clueless, H's step-mother thought something was going on. The same night my FIL and I walked in on them kissing in the hall way at the wedding she had told me I needed to keep an eye on things with them. We were in family counselling during this so we did discuss it and we worked through it. I think I had so many other things going on that I just didn't have time to dwell on what happened. My vows were for better or worse I took this as the worse. 
Now the 2nd time I'm not sure WTH that was about. Because I threw myself in to being an attentive wife, I made sure I was meeting his needs and we were happy as a couple and a family. He had a hard time hitting 40, then his dad retired and moved out of state which he had a hard time with too. I was there I listen, I encouraged I did everything right or so I thought. This time his affair was with our son's football team mom. We all volunteered together. Our sons were close friends, we had parties together and weekend trips. I never saw it coming. She and her husband were our good friends. I knew of their life style (swingers) and they knew that it wasn't for us, but to eachs own. I would have never guessed in a million years this would have happened. 
As to why do I stay, I love him and he is all I know. We meet when I was 19 married at 20 now here it is 19 years later... I took my vows seriously and told him from day 1 I do not take marriage lightly, when I said till death do us part I meant it. I have worked on me so I am doing my part. I have noticed a change in him the last 2 days... this morning her brought me my morning drink and stayed and chatted a few minutes before leaving for work. Last night he made weekend plans with us as a family. He seemed more connected. I also was able to tell him a little about what I am doing to improve me. Baby steps


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I hate when the information trickles in over four (or more) pages of a thread that should have been spilled in the beginning. So much good advice could have came from posters who are likely now to ignore this thread because they think it's about if you should tell your husband about your magic bullet, not that you have a relationship rife with infidelity and other problems.

You need to stop yourself, regroup your mind and have a good long thing about the first question you should ask yourself: Do I want to be in this relationship?

Likely, you'll say yes. Ask yourself this then: Should i be in this relationship?

You need to think about if this relationship is truly healthy for you or not, if you are getting as much out of this relationship as you should and if you could do better by looking elsewhere.

I sense there is plenty of other tidbits floating around out there that we haven't been made privy to since it took this long to even toss out that he's had an affair (or two) but I wager that this relationship isn't good for you. We're talking about a man whose cheated on you twice, can't bothered to even know if you're alive or not, can't put his phone down for a second to talk to you, and whom you've been so upset with that you declined him (and yourself) sex for two years.

That is not what dreams are made of.

Other than 'love' (and I think your definition of love would differ greatly from mine) why are you staying in this emotional abyss? Just because you said I do and are married? Is it right to say you believe in marriage when the person you are married to clearly does not?


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Why? I don't know... I really don't I don't want to hurt anymore and I thought having sex would fix this... after all all you read and hear is sex is love to guys. 
Yes he is a self centered man, 
but Im scared there i said it I'm scared he is all I know. 
there is the truth I'm scared 
scared to be only scared no one will every love me... i have always had self esteem problems, I'm working on that but they are still there... I guess I was hoping I could make him see what he has, but the cost of that has been shame for me. Somedays i can't even look in the mirror and when I do I don't recognize the person looking back.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

allworx said:


> Why? I don't know... I really don't I don't want to hurt anymore and I thought having sex would fix this... *after all all you read and hear is sex is love to guys. *
> Yes he is a self centered man,
> but Im scared there i said it I'm scared he is all I know.
> there is the truth I'm scared
> scared to be only scared no one will every love me... i have always had self esteem problems, I'm working on that but they are still there... I guess I was hoping I could make him see what he has, but the cost of that has been shame for me. Somedays i can't even look in the mirror and when I do I don't recognize the person looking back.


In regards to the bolded, you are incorrect. Sex is a big part of love to a man, but it's only a part of it. We also need all the other things in life anyone needs for love, from companionship to date nights to having things done for us, being allowed to do things for our partners. No guy wants just sex that is worth being in a relationship with. There's more to love than just sex for a man.

Second, it's ok to be scared. i left my wife after 10 years with her. Was I scared? Massively. I literally didn't know what tomorrow would bring. There are so many more things to think about than just your marriage, you also have to think about where you'll live, kids (if you have them), stress, job performance, splitting of assets, possibly lawyers, etc. It's chaos at times, even in an amicable split.

But it's ok to be scared. It's also ok to put aside your fear and have a long thought about what you're getting in this marriage, what you think you should be able to get from a marriage and if you should stay or go. Thoughts aren't actions, and no one else but you knows you're having them. So there should be no fear behind your thoughts.

If you need to as well, find someone you can talk to about this. Family would be a good one, if you have someoen you know you can confide in. Friends as well are good, as long as you can confide of course, and failing that, so see a counsellor. If youa re in the church, go see your pastor/whatever. If you have questions, sound them out.

It's ok to be scared, but unless you work through that fear you'll never be able to see things clearly and decide on a course of action. As such, you'll always have this current moment as the maximum that your marriage can reach, and the ever present likelihood that the past mistake of your marriage will repeat themselves since the marriage can't grow beyond where it is now. Do you want that?


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Thanks I posted a new thread on the general page giving a full detail of back ground... It was hard laying it all out there. Seeing it all in black in white the last 19 years of my life, this is not where I pictured myself to be.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

allworx said:


> Thanks I posted a new thread on the general page giving a full detail of back ground... It was hard laying it all out there. Seeing it all in black in white the last 19 years of my life, this is not where I pictured myself to be.


You should post the link here, for others to follow.


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## allworx (Dec 7, 2012)

Here is the link 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/63047-scared-ashamed.html

not sure if i did that right... sorry still a newbe


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

allworx,

Haven't read the other post yet but I will.

Just wanted to jump in and let you know that you deserve more from your husband. The man has shown zero respect for you by not only having affairs but by choosing to do so with people you know.

He lacks boundaries for one reason or another and his refusal to go to MC is another slap to your face. You have given him the precious gift of reconciliation and he hasn't done anything to earn it

He has issues that lead to his affairs that he doesn't want to address. To me that's the same as saying theat he'll probably cross this line again sometime in the future when the timimg is right

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder? If your self-esteem is bad now, how will it be after affair number 4 or 5?

Please take care of yourself and do what you can to get the two of you into MC. You've only been rug sweeping up to this point


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I'd tell him about.

In my situation, I've talked about it with my wife in the past and she gets embarrassed and uncomfortable and says NO.

To me, it wouldn't bother me if it helped her learn more about her body, what she likes or would like and then we could do that together.


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