# This is an example of what I'm working with



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

We went to counseling after his EA. He made a whole bunch of promises about respecting me and what I say instead of blowing me off like he has in the past. Then he deliberately does something I've asked him not to do. 

Sometimes he sleeps in the other room because of his deviated septum if I can't sleep because he's loud. We have discussed several times that he needs to leave the door open to the guest room while he's in there to make sure he can hear our son wake up in the middle of the night (happens often) so he can help me. So last night he goes to the guest room (without me asking him, which I thought was weird but could have been because he knew he was stopped up). Our son wakes up, I go in there for 45 minutes and just get back into bed and he wakes again. I'm wondering where the hell my husband is because usually he's the one to get up. I walk to the door and-of course! It's totally shut and he can't hear anything! He did this knowing I asked him not to and his excuse was "well I thought I would be able to hear him anyway." I'm so sick of this! He'll do things to make me think he really is trying and then he'll completely disregard what I say because he wants to do what he wants to do. IS this even real R? It's making me crazy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

No, this ain't no R ma'am. If he isn't bending backward to please you, make you feel secure, he isn't doing anything.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Umm...I have a dumb question....

Why do you need your h. to "help" you if your son wakes up? 

The reason I'm asking is because your h. might be asking himself (and answering) the same question.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Vega said:


> Umm...I have a dumb question....
> 
> Why do you need your h. to "help" you if your son wakes up?
> 
> The reason I'm asking is because your h. might be asking himself (and answering) the same question.


He's not. Our son is 18 months and has always been a horrible sleeper. We have to go in his room and shush him back to sleep, sometimes it takes an hour. He is definitely not asking why, and "help" isn't in quotation marks. Sometimes it takes me 2 hours just to get him to take a 30 minute nap during the day, and I'm with him all day, so a lot of the time my husband does the night duties. 

Regardless, if we've discussed something and both agreed to it, would that really be a valid excuse anyway??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You are right, your husband needs to step it up and at least have better communication with you. He may need to be taught these skill as my experience has shown that for a lot of men, communication - especially with us women - doesn't come naturally to them.

As for the baby. I too am puzzled as to why you want your H to get up with him if your H has to go to work the next day. Yes this is the weekend, so maybe your agreement is just on weekends, don't know.

I also understand that most Americans (which I am) put their little ones in their own rooms right away. I did this with my first two also, but found with my last three that I got much more sleep if they slept with me or at least in my room. If I had their crib next to my bed all I had to do was basically reach over and pick them up, put them in bed with me and we both fell back to sleep. With the crib next to the bed, it was a natural and easy process for all.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I appreciate everyone's willingness to comment on our son's sleeping habits and arrangement, but that's not really the issue at hand. We've tried bed sharing and room sharing. We are doing what works best for our family now. 

Further, I have to get up and "go to work" in the morning, too. My day starts at 5:30 and doesn't end until 7:30. I'm up all day, not sitting. I also have a full time "real job" that is the majority of our salary that I have to get done after our son goes to sleep and on weekends. So I'm not quite sure what you're implying when you say it's odd that my H handles our son at night because he has work, but I can certainly tell you've never been a SAHM. It is the hardest job there is. 

Honestly, I appreciate the feedback, but I didn't come here to defend my child rearing choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. Actually I have been a SAHM almost the entire time we have been raising our 5 children (25 years), along with homeschooling and my husband traveled most of the time so I had absolutely no help for weeks on end. So, yes I do understand how much work it takes to be a SAHM.

Of course you are doing what works best for you. My comment was made from personal trial and error experience with 5 different babies. I was just trying to give you some suggestions based on that experience.

As for your husband, he is being immature, selfish and unrepentent, yes, but it is up to you to lay down your boundaries and enforce them. What is your plan if he doesn't step up? What are your limits to what you will and will not put up with?

The only person you have any control over is yourself, you can only control how you respond to any given situation. So instead of looking at what he is or isn't doing, start looking at what you will or will not live with.

I hope that makes sense.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think it may help to determine if this is an affair recovery issue or a marital one. Not every conflict you have with your husband post A has to be tied to the affair or reconciliation. Most conflicts you'll have together will also be ones that people have in faithful marriages.

Like others, I was inclined to discuss the sleeping problems your son has because this issue doesn't seem related to infidelity although your husband was unfaithful and you posted it here. Unless there is subtext I am not reading between the lines? For instance, is there another reason you want your husband to keep the door open besides hearing your son? Are you concerned he might be doing something on his phone or a computer related to infidelity when the door is closed?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

No, it was my understanding that R included working on things that led to the affair. I guess I am mistaken. All I wanted to know was if it sounded like false R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

does your son have night terrors?
ours did, actually, both kids did and they were terrible. one thing we learned, finally, was to not let the kids get too hot when they slept. no jammies with very thin blankets and our kids quickly got over them. our 12 yo son will still only sleep in undies with the fan on even thought it's been years since he had an episode.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was in false R for 30 years before my divorce so I will tell you what it was like and you can see if it's anything at all like your life. 

My husband refused to admit they were more than friends and so there was no heavy lifting in his part. No true remorse because they were after all nothing more than friends and I was just over-reacting to the whole thing. In those pre-TAM days I did my share of rug-sweeping. 

We had a son and I worked full-time and he traveled a fair amount. The entire burden for everything related to the house and child-care was on me. And, yes, he would say one thing and do another when it came to any possible help that was needed. 

I remember your other threads. Your husband doesn't sound remorseful to me. Sounds like it's still all about him.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I don't think it indicates false recovery, it indicates two exhausted parents going through two very stressful life changes. Parenting and recovery. You will be extra attentive to every slight and he will be oblivious to your internal hell because he isn't on your side of the wound. 


Breath friend....breathe


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Honestly, JustHer is way more patient than I am when it comes to being spoken down to. I hope you get the answers you're looking for on this board but I have zero interest in being barked at by anyone.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Honestly, JustHer is way more patient than I am when it comes to being spoken down to. I hope you get the answers you're looking for on this board but I have zero interest in being barked at by anyone.


Miss Taken, 

I was being sincere in my response. I sincerely apologize that it didn't come out that way. I honestly feel like I don't understand what reconciliation means now and I'm trying to be brief because I've got a toddler running around!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> I don't think it indicates false recovery, it indicates two exhausted parents going through two very stressful life changes. Parenting and recovery. You will be extra attentive to every slight and he will be oblivious to your internal hell because he isn't on your side of the wound.
> 
> 
> Breath friend....breathe


It indicates your husband needs to step up to the mark.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Miss Taken,
> 
> I was being sincere in my response. I sincerely apologize that it didn't come out that way. I honestly feel like I don't understand what reconciliation means now and I'm trying to be brief because I've got a toddler running around!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really appreciate the clarification and apology. Things just get misinterpreted so easily over the internet you know. 

I also fully understand being busy, I also have a toddler (17 month old) running around and a 9 year old and they antagonize each other! 

As for your original post, I wouldn't tie it into your reconciliation so much since it doesn't sound like there is any other reason besides being able to hear your child that you want the door closed. 

That's why I wondered initially if this is an affair/reconciliation issue or a marital issue. 

However, if he has a history of making promises/agreements and not following through or doing the opposite, I can see how this would definitely impede reconciliation and those behaviours would steep into other areas of your relationship as well. 



distraughtfromtexas;7293314
Regardless said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]



How often does he do stuff like that? Have you ever suspected your H of being passive aggressive?


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> because *usually* he's the one to get up.


If this is the case, why can't you back off your position a bit and give him a break?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

My kids couldn't stay awake in their swing. Crank it up let it go. They loved the swing and I loved how the went to sleep.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> *We* have to go in his room and shush him back to sleep, sometimes it takes an hour. _Posted via Mobile Device_


See how I bolded the word "We"? What I'm trying to figure out is whether your h. might see some of your terms of reconciliation to be a bit...unreasonable. 

If your child wakes up in the middle of the night, do you REALLY _need_ your h.'s "help" to get your child back to sleep? I mean, if my own child woke up, I would be hard pressed to insist that my h. stay awake with me to 'help' me while I'm perfectly capable of getting the child back to sleep on my own, even if it takes me 2 hours to do so. And likewise, if HE was on 'night duty', I wouldn't expect HIM to wake me up to 'help' him, either, even if it takes HIM 2 hours. 

However, if my h. insisted on my being awake to "help" him to get our child back to sleep, I'd begin to seriously look at my h. as being 'needy' or incapable of doing certain things on his own. My respect for him would begin to diminish...

Of course, since your h. had the affair, you may not be trusting your h. out of your sight, even if he's supposedly asleep. 

I guess I'm wondering what your true motives are for insisting that your h. 'help' you with something that you're each perfectly capable of doing on your own.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Vega said:


> See how I bolded the word "We"? What I'm trying to figure out is whether your h. might see some of your terms of reconciliation to be a bit...unreasonable.
> 
> If your child wakes up in the middle of the night, do you REALLY _need_ your h.'s "help" to get your child back to sleep? I mean, if my own child woke up, I would be hard pressed to insist that my h. stay awake with me to 'help' me while I'm perfectly capable of getting the child back to sleep on my own, even if it takes me 2 hours to do so. And likewise, if HE was on 'night duty', I wouldn't expect HIM to wake me up to 'help' him, either, even if it takes HIM 2 hours.
> 
> ...


When I say "we," I mean one of us. We don't go in there at the same time. We switch off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> I really appreciate the clarification and apology. Things just get misinterpreted so easily over the internet you know.
> 
> I also fully understand being busy, I also have a toddler (17 month old) running around and a 9 year old and they antagonize each other!
> 
> ...


He does it a lot. He is definitely passive aggressive. He also has respect issues with women, which includes me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

john1068 said:


> If this is the case, why can't you back off your position a bit and give him a break?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


It isn't the fact that he didn't go in there. I don't mind getting up when he really wants to sleep. It's that he deliberately did something I asked him not to do, and he agreed to. I'm sure he did it thinking I wouldn't find out. It just felt sneaky, like I said this is just an example of things he does ona regular basis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> It isn't the fact that he didn't go in there. I don't mind getting up when he really wants to sleep. It's that he deliberately did something I asked him not to do, and he agreed to. I'm sure he did it thinking I wouldn't find out. It just felt sneaky, like I said this is just an example of things he does ona regular basis.


I think you need to be able to draw a line between that which is recovery related and that which is not. It is my opinion that this has nothing to do with recovery...not everything that happens between you both is recovery related. Being sneaky with his ohine, unexplained gaps in his time away, texting app, passwords on computer, contact w/ AP, etc are all R-related.

sleeping with the door closed so you H could have a night of peace IS passive agressive, he should have just asked for a night off given, as you say, he was "backed up" sinus-wise, and probably could have used the rest to recover. He likely expected you to just know this. 

It is a communication issue, but I don't think it's an R issue. IMHO.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> He'll do things to make me think he really is trying and then he'll completely disregard what I say because he wants to do what he wants to do.
> I'm sure he did it thinking I wouldn't find out.
> I also have a full time "real job" that is the majority of our salary that I have to get done after our son goes to sleep and on weekends.


I haven't read your background, so I don't know all the circumstances, but based on what I read in this thread, you don't trust him and you're the main bread winner; why stick around and make your life miserable?

T


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> No, it was my understanding that R included working on things that led to the affair. I guess I am mistaken. All I wanted to know was if it sounded like false R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All I know, is that after an A, he should be working triple time to keep you happy and to make you feel comfortable that he's a changed person, that he's working hard at it. A lack of effort towards that, or any indication that he's not 100% committed to change, it will trigger you into thinking he's back to his old ways. Any signs of him being cold, or not caring about your needs will trigger you. To say this is a normal marriage problem, or child problem, and has nothing to do with the affair might sound good in theory, but in reality, there was an affair and it effects everything you're feeling and thinking. Any signs of him being cold, or not caring, will trigger you to wonder if you're in a false R... 

I can totally understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling.. I don't think you're wrong for being upset, or over reacting in any way. 

If this is an isolated incident, I'd just talk it out, but if it's a common theme, not caring about making you comfortable, if you're communicating how something is important to you and he's agreeing to do something, then intentionally ignoring it.. as someone that's trying to rebuild trust, that's not a wise path to take. If he wants you to start to trust him again, he better start doing what he says he'll do, and not come up with reasons why 'after the fact', that he thought x and y.. because that will mess with your head for obvious reasons.

Good luck, I hope you can communicate this to him effectively and help him to see why it's not in his best interest or the best interest of the R to say he'll do something, then do something else.


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