# Proper Boundaries...



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

I see this concept thrown around alot here, but with little expounding on it. I know the concept seems fairly straight forward and common sense, but I also thought not cheating was fairly straightfoward. Married? Don't cheat. It's as simple as that yet affairs usually happen with one slowly, over time, and even unintentionally at first, heading towards it and before you know it...an A has occured.

So I'm wondering if we could talk about proper boundaries a bit more and in any and every facet. What are proper boundaries for married spouses? How best to establish these? Any useful literature on the topic? Any advice? Any experiences of failed or successful implementation of boundaries?

My wife had an A and we are Ring, fairly well actually. Moving forward I think/know I need to have this conversation with her, of establishing explicitly what boundaries should exist in order to diminish the possibility of an A occuring again.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Sherry Glass' book Not "just friends" has a great description of this. My wife and I use it. I basically determined based upon her description, my wife was having an EA with another guy besides her PA, b/c she was confiding in him about everything. Anytime they have a conversation that they would not have in front of you (opposite sex) that is crossing the line. Either the OP os a "friend" of the marriage or a "threat"!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The best books on the topic of marriage and boundaries are written by Dr. Harley. Marriagebuilders.com is his web site.

Look at the links for buildings a passionate marriage in my signature block below. His books to talk about some very specific boundaries for marriage. But it's imporatant that each person also come up with their own.

For example what are your lovebusters? Those are the things that either you will not put up with or that if your spouse does repeatedly will destory your love for them over time.

Some examples I have are:

Illegal drug use or any illegal activity at all.
Cheating
Lying
Not helping with the house
Not holding down a job and contributing to finances
Physcal abuse (1 time is too man)
Emotional abuse
Yelling

There are more to my list, but that's enough to start.

So what is your list?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me boundries are set by me for me.
I have no control over others so setting boundries for a spouse is useless. We hope our spouse have there own boundries but if that was the case we both won't be here;-)
I have boundries, and when they are crossed then the one that crosses them suffers the consequences. Even when I cross my own boundries there're are consequences.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> I see this concept thrown around alot here, but with little expounding on it. I know the concept seems fairly straight forward and common sense, but I also thought not cheating was fairly straightfoward. Married? Don't cheat. It's as simple as that yet affairs usually happen with one slowly, over time, and even unintentionally at first, heading towards it and before you know it...an A has occured.
> 
> So I'm wondering if we could talk about proper boundaries a bit more and in any and every facet. What are proper boundaries for married spouses? How best to establish these? Any useful literature on the topic? Any advice? Any experiences of failed or successful implementation of boundaries?
> 
> My wife had an A and we are Ring, fairly well actually. Moving forward I think/know I need to have this conversation with her, of establishing explicitly what boundaries should exist in order to diminish the possibility of an A occuring again.


Do His Needs Her Needs as a couple. They have a boundary setting exersize where you discuss, define, and mutually agree on boundaries.

Boundaries amongst couples vary. The key is to not just shoot from the hip. If your boundaries are decided on the fly based on how you feel at the moment you have inadequate boundaries. One has to understand the brain chemicals at play. 

My wife and I use POJA. The Policy Of Joint Agreement. 

The idea of good boundaries it to not put yourself at risk period. Avoid those situations. Avoid the appearance of inappropriate behavior.

I believe in the following continuum:

Inappropriate Behavior -> Unfaithfulness-> Cheating.

Once a boundary starts sliding you have lost your integrity. Transparency helps here as well. I believe that spouses need to look out for each other. They see things we do not. We get tunnel vision. Listen to your spouse. Do not have secrets. I am not one who believes there is much need for privacy beyond the obvious things.

I am not a believer in close opposite sex friends. Certainly not one on one alone time. I see that as dating. YMMV.

Marriage friendly GNOs are essential. I believe marriage is based on love and respect and that trust is a by product. I see blind trust as naive, lazy and ambivalent.

Even good marriages are not immune to infidelity. However, I believe that a couple who endeavors to eet each others needs and has strong boundaries with transaparency is close.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. Quickly, what does YMMV and GNO stand for?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbloke said:


> Thanks for the replies. Quickly, what does YMMV and GNO stand for?


Your Mileage May Vary (meaning your situation may be different)

GNO = Girl's Night Out


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I think that a general, but proper boundary system is this.
Do not do anything or be with anyone that you would not do right in front of your spouse with her/his approval.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

DanF said:


> I think that a general, but proper boundary system is this.
> Do not do anything or be with anyone that you would not do right in front of your spouse with her/his approval.


I agree in general. I would add that boundaries can be different for different couples and they can change.

For instance. I had been married less than six months when two events showed me that I could not trust my wife to make good decisions when alcohol is involved.

1. Problem #1. She has no control. Once she started drinking she did not stop. She would continue to say "I OK, I'm not drunk" right up until the time she passed out face down on the floor.

2. Problem #2. When drinking, all thoughts of how her actions might affect me are sent to the back of her mind to be dealt with latter. She becomes selfish and self-serving. Makes very bad and harmful choices.

So my boundary for her was and is "You do not touch alcohol if I am not there." Not one single drink. No way. No how. End of story.

After the two incidents I alluded to were discussed after the fact when she was sober, she admitted that she acted poorly. But she still balked at no alcohol. I told her that this is the way it is. You might not understand it and agree with it, but that is how I feel. Accept it or pack you sh*t and leave. She stayed and has been true to the boundary (as far as I know).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Your Mileage May Vary (meaning your situation may be different)
> 
> GNO = Girl's Night Out


And in this case I also meant Guys Night Out. This goes both ways.


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