# I messed up...and I need help



## Honesty2 (Oct 29, 2014)

Good Morning All,

This may be long winded, but I'll try to be concise and get to the point. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman that walks. We have/had the greatest relationship. Struggles galore financially as she is in school full time and cannot contribute financially. But she is my amazingness. I could care less about the money. We do not have kids together but 6 amongst us. We have a very amazing sexual relationship as well. I am jealous, very, because I have insecurities that, while unfounded, haunt me. She still has text conversations with a man she loves...but shes right, she chose to be with me, but they are life friends. They have had some sexual get togethers when her and I were just friends that she was up front about and did tell me...but she also had a "meaningless sexting conversation" that she "forgot" about in April and until I dug and dug, she told me about in July. This may have meant nothing to her but crushed me.
OK....now me...I have recently come to the realization that I am Bi...and she knew and accepted and actually thought it was "hot"...but my selfishness drove me in a direction to sext another couple in hopes to get all 4 of us together. I told the other couple she was fully aware of this conversation, but she was not. This happened 4 or 5 times over the course of 3 months. My fiancé was open to a 4 some...but not at the time because school was tough and our kids have a lot of school issues, doctor appointments etc. But instead of that, waiting, I found this couple. And she found a text thread of some (around 6 or 7) explicit texts. Now...to fall on my sword....every time I did this I was drunk. I told her a year and a half ago I quit drinking...and at home, for the most part, I did. But when I go out of town on business, I would get wasted and text this couple. The reason I didn't remember it was on my phone was because I was drunk. I did give her the couples number and she did text and confirm I was always a train wreck while texting...and that we never met up.
It gets worse...
She had been cheated on 2 other times by ex's. Shes been beaten and battered...and I crushed her. While I do think the conversation was me trying to "discover" things about me being Bi....she doesn't see it that way.
I'll admit...I'm an alcoholic...when I went out of town I would drink..heavily. 
I love this woman more than anything on this planet...I am willing to endure what she hands me...but I do love her...I want that trust back...I want her back....
If anyone has suggestions, or things to say or not to say...I'll take any advice.
I am in therapy for alcohol abuse...I started my first session last night...That was one of the hardest nights ever. But she is so cold,, bitter, so angry...Im beyond ashamed of myself, but I am the man for her....this was...awful


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Get into counseling, right now any relationship you get into (whether still with her or someone else) you are going to sabotage because of your issues. An online forum isn't going to fix you, you need to personal one-on-one help. 

As far as she is concerned, give her space. The more you try to talk to her and fix things the worse you will make it. Give her time to cool off.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

As I picture your relationship/situation:


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Working an your sobriety should have your full attention for the 1st year. If you try to work on a rocky relationship at the same time you'll not do well at either.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

If you truly love her, your priorities would be as you wanted not as they are.

Grow the F up now. Make immediate changes now or let her seek her happiness elsewhere. Your choice. Get serious with your life now and stop screwing up. You have responsibilities far beyond the mirror you look at. 

You know what to do to fix this. It's all your behavior. Change it today. Be that guy who can fix things. Anything. Earn it, dude. Earn her back. Be the guy you need to be instead of thinking about it. Just do it. And don't look back. Be her man.

Alcoholism - stop drinking
Bi - don't be a chump

Man up. A good book for you and all men - Married Man Sex Life Primer. Will teach you a lot. Read it several times. You will see and understand different messages with each read.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

In your own words:

Alcoholic, jealous, insecure, selfish, cheating, and pushing her into a lifestyle that YOU want.




Honesty2 said:


> I am the man for her



Noooo, you're not.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Dude, lets look at this as if it were a cake or other food item to be baked. You both know the ingredients, yet added materials you both know will cause it to come out sh1tty, taste like donkey and simply put will hold no standard of quality most people are willing to tolerate or accept.

She is still in love with another man.
You both keep secrets and dilute the truth.
Neither of you have been completely honest with each other.
You cannot be yourself around her.
You cannot control yourself around her.
Her past problems with relationships have already steered this one in the course it is heading.
Your bi, which means you are susceptible from both sexes as an outside intrusion, and with only one outlet to endure, your lady, it is only a matter of time until this extends to you being with another man, or couple, man and woman, to satiate this desire, and don't lie to yourself sir, it is indeed a desire however dormant you wish it to be, and not very by your admitted texting.
You have a drinking problem.

Today should be the day that you and her makes plans to call it a day and see where things go down the live. Right now as Phoenix called it, it will become train wreck one way or another.

So if you wish, keep on baking that cake, the end result, however you wished to mix it up, will be both of your intended result, a waste.


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## Honesty2 (Oct 29, 2014)

Q tip....I appreciate the honesty. Reading that meant volumes. I am not the piece of garbage I am made out to be here...I really am a great man...a door was opened, and instead of gently taking her hand, I ripped it off the hinges and ran through it alone. She is the love of my life, and yes, I screwed up in such a major way.

But I believe I can right this ship...even if years...I can and will.

For the others that didn't see the bottom of my dialogue, I did check into therapy. First session was last night with no end in sight. Also, I only drank out of town...definitely not an excuse, but I do not want to give the impression I was hammered every night. I am an alcoholic, no questions asked...


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## Honesty2 (Oct 29, 2014)

And Joker...Again, both the analogy and the words may very well ring true. And yes, her dishonesty coupled with mine make for some especially crappy ingredients. But I think we really can do this. If you knew the love and passion involved....
I am bi, and without getting into particulars...she handles that end of me quite well alone in our home. We have had 3 somes but not in a bi way...that's what I was aiming for when I texted the other couple...but I never told her... that's where the lying came into play. Again though, your honesty is much appreciated, and the truth...yeah it does hurt


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

When you say you've had 3somes I assume you mean you, her and another guy. I fear you are on a very slippery slope here. Have you considered what you would do if she came to like one of these guys better than you?

Okay, you are bi but the encounters have not been in a bi way?? What does that mean? Just the two of you doing her?? Man, this is some shaky ground you're on. If you are as in love with this woman as you purport to be why are you still interested in guys or girls or anybody else? If you were a womanizing hound and then got involved with her would you not stop the womanizing?

Do you want a committed relationship or an open one? She accepts it's hot that you're bi? She gets to fool around with other guys while you cheer her on. Do you think that makes you look good in her eyes? Or weak and submissive? Others will chime in here and maybe I'm way off on this but I think you're you're doing everything just about 180 degrees from what they should be.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Honesty2 said:


> And Joker...Again, both the analogy and the words may very well ring true. And yes, her dishonesty coupled with mine make for some especially crappy ingredients. But I think we really can do this. If you knew the love and passion involved....
> I am bi, and without getting into particulars...she handles that end of me quite well alone in our home. We have had 3 somes but not in a bi way...that's what I was aiming for when I texted the other couple...but I never told her... that's where the lying came into play. Again though, your honesty is much appreciated, and the truth...yeah it does hurt


I'll tell you what, lets say for instance you do actually feel like this relationship can be fixed but you coming here is for help with this particular set of problems. No what to do, I, and we, are not here to convince you of what you may, could or should do, only you can convince yourself of that as the way it should be.

But this forum does offer the benefit of "What if", only most new people cannot see it or don;t want to see it until it is either too late or undeniably present in their lives that they can no longer deny it and then take action, often times, again, too late to fight the affair or defend themselves.

So, click the back button on the webpage, if you are using a PC, and find at least 10 or more threads that have 5,6,7,8 or even more pages. Hell find mine, it is in hindsight embarrassing and demoralizing TBH. Anyway, read the last post entered by the one who started the thread and work backwards, call it the ghost of infidelity's future. the further back you go will bring you to the present, your present, and then read the initial post. You'll read words like "Wonderful" "Loving" "Great father/mother" "Things used to be great" "Couldn't be happier".... you get the point.

Now your initial post is rife with problems from the get go, lets go over them again;

She is still in love with another man.
You both keep secrets and dilute the truth.
Neither of you have been completely honest with each other.
You cannot be yourself around her.
You cannot control yourself around her.
Her past problems with relationships have already steered this one in the course it is heading.
Your bi, which means you are susceptible from both sexes as an outside intrusion, and with only one outlet to endure, your lady, it is only a matter of time until this extends to you being with another man, or couple, man and woman, to satiate this desire, and don't lie to yourself sir, it is indeed a desire however dormant you wish it to be, and not very by your admitted texting.
You have a drinking problem.

Now if these other relationships and marriages failed and went to hell when things started great, wonderful, blah, blah blah.. Just where do you think your's will be by the time you make it to post 200? Again, I am not attacking you but with these facts that you illustrated the best thing to do is end it amicably, move on, get your head in order, get your life in productive control and have a better idea of who you are or where you want to be in the later years, or even tomorrow. Take the exit now before you both get tied together irrevocably, AKA Parents, for life. No one feels too sorry for divorced people without children.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Honesty2 said:


> She still has text conversations with a man she loves...but shes right, she chose to be with me, but they are life friends. They have had some sexual get togethers when her and I were just friends that she was up front about and did tell me...but she also had a "meaningless sexting conversation" that she "forgot" about in April and until I dug and dug, she told me about in July. This may have meant nothing to her but crushed me.


 The secret sexting with "a man she loves" that is an ex-lover, that she insist she be able to remain "life friends" with, was not "meaningless sexting". Her relationship with him is a textbook example of an emotional affair (EA), and in an exclusive relationship an EA is cheating. She has been and continues to be in a full blown EA with this man, and it appears that you are allowing it. Your relationship with her will not end well.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Where do all you guys come from?

Sounds like more water under a bridge to me.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Where do all you guys come from?
> 
> Sounds like more water under a bridge to me.


We came here for the same reasons you did; Help!.

Although what is being told to you may not be the kind of advice or feedback you want to hear but we are trying to warn you and look out for what is best for you. You cannot dismiss what is being told to you, especially by people who have gone thru this.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Where do all you guys come from?
> 
> Sounds like more water under a bridge to me.


England can be a funny place...


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Q tip said:


> England can be a funny place...


They must not have troldar over there.


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## Honesty2 (Oct 29, 2014)

TRy, this makes a lot of sense. Joker, you make a lot of sense as well. Yes, I'm bi, yes, I drank, yes we both texted for extremely inappropriate reasons. As far as the bi thing goes, no, we DO NOT want an open relationship, we do however want a relationship that is (in speaking of the personal one we have) very fun and playful in nature. The 3 some was MMF, and no, no touching between other guy and me. None wanted actually. It was a lot of fun and the intimacy afterwards was exactly as I hoped, very close and very very low key. 
She does have a lot of baggage, albeit, so do I.
This relationship was founded on a friendship that bonded naturally and wasn't rushed....not even dating. She is, in my opinion very loyal and trustworthy. When she says she was sexting him and it meant nothing...it hurt, so so bad, but at the same time, I really don't think it meant anything to her, nor did she even get off on it.

However, TRy....you make a very fascinating point behind the EA...one I haven't even thought of...which then transcends into Joker's points....which jointly make a lot of sense.
Truthfully though, together we make an amazing team, are fantastic parents, and are great friends...This may end...it really might...but I love her and in my opinion, feel like this is worth every ounce of effort I can give her and my children. However, Joker, I am going to do exactly what you said, I am going to scroll back through and read some of these, and it may scare the hell out of me...but it also may open my eyes to the hurt I feel, but also to the dire pain I've caused as well.


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## Honesty2 (Oct 29, 2014)

One more thing I want to add. It has been stated a couple times, that because I am bi, I may fall for a man. That...is not going to happen...One of the hardest things for me to understand is why I don't when I say I'm Bi, and my therapist and I are also discussing this in depth. I do not find any man attractive. I do not walk down the street and say "damn, he's hot. That's, totally, not me. Frankly, if it wasn't for her, no MtoM anything would ever happen. She is the catalyst in this...So to answer a couple questions, do I have fear of falling for another guy, no way in hell. Do I fear falling for another woman...mine is amazing and I'd like to keep her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Honesty2 said:


> Q tip....I appreciate the honesty. Reading that meant volumes. I am not the piece of garbage I am made out to be here...I really am a great man...a door was opened, and instead of gently taking her hand, I ripped it off the hinges and ran through it alone. She is the love of my life, and yes, I screwed up in such a major way.
> 
> But I believe I can right this ship...even if years...I can and will.
> 
> For the others that didn't see the bottom of my dialogue, I did check into therapy. First session was last night with no end in sight. Also, I only drank out of town...definitely not an excuse, but I do not want to give the impression I was hammered every night. I am an alcoholic, no questions asked...



When you stop lying to yourself.... you will make progress

If you don't stop lying to yourself.... you won't

You have integrity issues that are very plain here. Your denial does not make them less apparent to those of us who see them.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I see an awful lot of rationalization and self deception here.

Lots of really loose boundaries too.
I would say concentrate on the alcohol first.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Honesty2 said:


> One more thing I want to add. It has been stated a couple times, that because I am bi, *I may fall for a man. That...is not going to happen..*.One of the hardest things for me to understand is why I don't when I say I'm Bi, and my therapist and I are also discussing this in depth. I do not find any man attractive. I do not walk down the street and say "damn, he's hot. *That's, totally, not me*. *Frankly, if it wasn't for her, no MtoM anything would ever happen*. She is the catalyst in this...So to answer a couple questions, do I have fear of falling for another guy, no way in hell. Do I fear falling for another woman...mine is amazing and I'd like to keep her.


Honesty,
Do you know what bi means? The bolded statements you made above leave no room for ambiguity. Are you sure your not saying you're bi to ad some allure to your character? Maybe you mentioned it in jest and she said "ooo, that's hot", so now you're bi? Granted, I don't know a lot of bi people but your statements are so emphatic, so matter of fact. They seem atypical of someone attracted to both sexes. Could this be a ploy to keep her interested and from pursuing other guys without you? Also, you have no fear of falling for another guy but what about her?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Are you just attracted to penises?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Per NoChoice:


When you say you've had 3somes I assume you mean you, her and another guy. I fear you are on a very slippery slope here. Have you considered what you would do if she came to like one of these guys better than you?

Okay, you are bi but the encounters have not been in a bi way?? What does that mean? Just the two of you doing her?? Man, this is some shaky ground you're on. If you are as in love with this woman as you purport to be why are you still interested in guys or girls or anybody else? If you were a womanizing hound and then got involved with her would you not stop the womanizing?



Do you want a committed relationship or an open one? She accepts it's hot that you're bi? She gets to fool around with other guys while you cheer her on. Do you think that makes you look good in her eyes? Or weak and submissive? Others will chime in here and maybe I'm way off on this but I think you're you're doing everything just about 180 degrees from what they should be.



:iagree:



Also, you couldn't stand it when she was tinkering with the other guy. You were crushed... but now what happens when you have a foursome and get to watch another guy banging her ...... and you are good with that ?????/


What if she wants the other guy to be the threesome of foursome ????

I think your priorities are way out of line


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Per Try:

The secret sexting with "a man she loves" that is an ex-lover, that she insist she be able to remain "life friends" with, was not "meaningless sexting". Her relationship with him is a textbook example of an emotional affair (EA), and in an exclusive relationship an EA is cheating. She has been and continues to be in a full blown EA with this man, and it appears that you are allowing it. Your relationship with her will not end well. 










Me: I bet she is confused. It's ok to bang away with other guys who mean nothing but not ok to bang away with someone who does, the ex.. ...... I am wondering if the other guy knows she was into open relationships ? If he didn't, Honest2 probably did the guy a favor by taking her on. 

Perhaps I am too strong on this or maybe not. None-the-less, if they are just 'friends', per se, then why do you feel so insecure about her wanting to hook up with him since you hook up with others ???? Have you looked at the possibility that you are being a cake eater ?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> Per Try:
> 
> The secret sexting with "a man she loves" that is an ex-lover, that she insist she be able to remain "life friends" with, was not "meaningless sexting". Her relationship with him is a textbook example of an emotional affair (EA), and in an exclusive relationship an EA is cheating. She has been and continues to be in a full blown EA with this man, and it appears that you are allowing it. Your relationship with her will not end well.
> 
> ...


There is the answer to your dilemma. Ask the ex she was sexting to join you guys in a threesome and bingo, problem solved. You are okay with watching some other guy do her so just make the ex the other guy and then the sexting wont matter. She gets to bang the ex, you get to cheer them on and it's all done in a very fun and playful way. It's a win win.


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