# Anonymous tip, need advice



## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

My sister is having an affair with at least one man and also a woman. Married for 10 years with 2 children under the age of 8. I am sick to my stomach over this. My BIL is an excellent provider and an even better father to his children. 

How can I an anonymously let him know what she is up to? He is not very tech savy and doesn't even have an email account that I know of. He does have a cell that he can text. 

I'm thinking of getting a pre-paid cell and texting him so he wouldn't know where it came from. Any advice or ideas on how to let him know? This is my sister. I cannot go to him.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Why not go to her?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Write it on a sheet of paper and mail it to his work. But I would call him and tell him all that you know.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Why not go to her?


This.

She needs some serious help. Talk to her and then to him.


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## raven3321 (Sep 25, 2013)

If you have his cell number, send him a text from a bogus email account.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think family should talk about things. Your sister needs a huge correction in her life and going the anonymous route is not showing true support. Your BIL would be alone trying to sort out what is going on and you would sit there while he suffered. That isn't fair. 

How do you know about this in the first place?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> This.
> 
> She needs some serious help. Talk to her and then to him.


I dont want to tell her I know and drive her underground. I know she is my sister, but right now she disgusts me. My BIL is such a good person, he doesnt deserve this!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't know if I agree with your plan, but you can easily set up a new number for texting through WhatsApp. 

The reason I don't agree with your plan is because an anonymous tip has no validity and can easily be disregarded by both him and her. Unless you're going to throw out proof and maybe point him to a resource like this site so he can get his info together before he confronts. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

BTW you can go to him. It is obvious that you condemn her behavior. She needs to hear that from you. You didn't plan on supporting her choices after she is found out did you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Angus1985 said:


> I dont want to tell her I know and drive her underground. I know she is my sister, but right now she disgusts me. My BIL is such a good person, he doesnt deserve this!


What does that matter? She is broken, has serious issues and this all needs to come out. It's the best way to help her in the long run.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I guess I am more direct. If it were my sister I would start there and make sure she owned up to him. 

If you can't do that, then do what you can. But do something and provide some proof so that she doesn't snow him under a blanket of BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Does your sister know you know?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Angus1985 said:


> How can I an anonymously let him know what she is up to? He is not very tech savy and doesn't even have an email account that I know of. He does have a cell that he can text.
> 
> I'm thinking of getting a pre-paid cell and texting him so he wouldn't know where it came from. Any advice or ideas on how to let him know? This is my sister. I cannot go to him.


If you feel that the anonymous route is the only path, alerting him this way is better than not alerting him. 

He may not take it seriously because it is anonymous, but it may wake him up a bit and put him on notice. 

Even the police use anonymous tips. With infidelity, it is common that someone does not want to get too involved and thus withholds their name. 

If you type a letter, be polite in the letter and ensure that your spelling and grammar are perfect. That always factors in when an anonymous letter is sent. 

The methods you mentioned for other ways to notify are all traceable, particularly the disposable cell phone. 

Do NOT hand write the letter. Type it, and mail it, without a return address. Keep your fingerprints off the stamp and envelope and do not lick the envelope to seal it. You will leave DNA. 

It is NOT a crime to alert someone to an affair, and it is not a crime to mail an anonymous letter.

It is only a crime if threats or foul language is included in the letter.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I probably should go to her. I have to work up the courage to do so. I did think of directing him to this site. I just dont know what to do right now. This is a horrific burden.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Healer said:


> Does your sister know you know?


No, she has no idea.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Angus1985 said:


> I probably should go to her. I have to work up the courage to do so. I did think of directing him to this site. I just dont know what to do right now. This is a horrific burden.


No offense, but I see that as one of your worst options. All it will do is give her an opportunity to cover her tracks. 

What kind of evidence to you have? Physical proof? Stuff you've seen yourself? Word of mouth?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Angus1985 said:


> I probably should go to her. I have to work up the courage to do so. I did think of directing him to this site. I just dont know what to do right now. This is a horrific burden.


Agreed, no easy way for you. Good on you for wanting to do the right thing.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Angus1985 said:


> I probably should go to her. I have to work up the courage to do so. I did think of directing him to this site. I just dont know what to do right now. This is a horrific burden.


This is a point in your life where you have to do the right thing. Sure it may cost you your sister but that is her consequence and you chose the moral high ground. You will be there for her if she is ready to be a good person some day, but sister or not she is a lying POS and you are protecting that side of her. Tell him right now what you know. Do not clue her in first as that will allow her to cover her bases and make you out to be a bad person. You will be amazed at the lengths people go to protect the information. Do not make the mistake of giving her the chance. Tell him first. Then tell him to get evidence ( concrete proof) first, then he can file for divorce with cause and this will help with custody. She will try to smear him to protect her image and he needs the concrete proof of her infidelity to keep things on his side. With no real evidence, courts, and general public tend to believe what the woman says and demonize the man.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I have one sister, and I love my BIL as well... if I were in your shoes no way in heck would I go behind my sister's back and tell BIL without giving her the chance to come clean herself. 

"Jane, I know what you are doing and you should know that in no way do I support or condone it. Because I cannot support it, I am giving you the choice to tell Bob by tomorrow. If you do not, I will be forced to tell him for you, as I am not feeling comfortable being a part of your deception."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why not talk to her husband and help him catch her? Direct him here to learn about VARs, cheaterville and other tools to discover affairs and to drive off affair partners.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

PBear said:


> No offense, but I see that as one of your worst options. All it will do is give her an opportunity to cover her tracks.
> 
> What kind of evidence to you have? Physical proof? Stuff you've seen yourself? Word of mouth?
> 
> ...


No offense taken, I came here because I knew I would get all kinds of advice and I appreciate it very much. I dont want her to cover her tracks either. I saw it on an ipad that is on icloud with her iphone. Im sure she has no idea that it goes to the ipad. He may find out on his own before I decide what to do with this info. But there is no doubt that this is going on from what I read, disgusting!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Any chance you can take screen shots and forward those to him?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

PBear said:


> Any chance you can take screen shots and forward those to him?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesnt have an iphone.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I just found an email address for him and I believe he actually has a blackberry. Im thinking about the anonymous route again perhaps through email. Do you think going to the library and making a fake gmail account could work?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Angus1985 said:


> He doesnt have an iphone.


Does he have a regular smartphone? You could also send them to yourself, print them off, and send those to him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yes, you can do that.

You can do screenshots with phones that are not iPhones... if it is an Android device you hit the power button and the volume button at the same time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cheating or does he know? You'd be surprised how many people play such stupid and dangerous games.

You need to verify exactly what is happening before you tell anyone anything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Doing it anonymously will most likely cause him to directly confront her ASAP, she will deny, and go further underground.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, you could put your sister on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know and use the Cheaterville anon system to notify her husband.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Angus1985 said:


> I just found an email address for him and I believe he actually has a blackberry. Im thinking about the anonymous route again perhaps through email. Do you think going to the library and making a fake gmail account could work?


Well, and email can be traced. If you use an anonymous browser, use an offshore company so they do not have to comply with US police investigations. 

As mentioned in my prior email. I still think snail mail is the best method. 

In the letter mention that if he confronts her she most likely will go underground and become better at covering her tracks. Suggest that he gather more evidence before confronting. 

Likewise, if you confront your sister, she may go further underground, too.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Well, and email can be traced. If you use an anonymous browser, use an offshore company so they do not have to comply with US police investigations.
> 
> As mentioned in my prior email. I still think snail mail is the best method.
> 
> ...


Snailmail is not an option, if I send it to the house she would def intercept. She is a SAHM. He works in various different locations so I would not be able to really do snailmail. If I use a public computer with a fictitious email, I dont think that should be too easy to trace. Not that I think he would even try to trace it, like I said he is not tech savy at all and neither is she.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Angus1985 said:


> I saw it on an ipad that is on icloud with her iphone.


So it's a full blown iAffair.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Angus1985 said:


> Snailmail is not an option, if I send it to the house she would def intercept. She is a SAHM. He works in various different locations so I would not be able to really do snailmail. If I use a public computer with a fictitious email, I dont think that should be too easy to trace. Not that I think he would even try to trace it, like I said he is not tech savy at all and neither is she.


Okay. Just send one, so it will never be considered harassment. 

Also, don't say anything you can't prove to be true. Do not use vulgar words .

Public computers often have camera surveillance. Also, you may have to sign in to use the computer. So ensure they don't have these things. Or, at least not a sign in.

Even if using a public computer, use an offshore or out of country anonymizer email provider. 

If you use a home computer and your BIL hires a detective, the detective will have contacts who can trace the email to your house. Proving who sent it, even if it's trace to your house is still, not provable. It could be a maid or contractor who sent it from your computer.

If the email is true, though, no crime has been committed.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Whatever you do, don't send anything without proof. If he confronts and there isn't definitive proof she will simply lie her ass off and deny, deny, deny.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

What a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Which ever way you go it could go wrong in some way and my thoughts are probably the opposite of many here.

Personally I'd go to my sister... she's my blood and I love her. Even though I hate infidelity. 

I'd tell her I know about her A and repeat something embarrassing to her that I got from the ipad so she knows I really DO know but I wouldn't let her know i know this info. She would just change passwords so it would be hidden.
I'd tell her to fess up immediately or I'll tell for her husband and that if she goes underground with it ....my little birdie will tell me!

If she doesn't know how you know about the A she won't know this is a bluff....

If you do all this anonymously it will harder to help and/or support them by sending them here or marriage builders or the like before they confront to soon or freak out or ?? and there is always the risk it will get talked down and rg swept.

A confession is always the best to begin a R IMO.... if there is to be one.

Give her the chance to do the right thing... she IS your sister.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Look I understand that you're in a lousy position but I think you're protecting yourself and being dishonest. You are still outing your sister but you are going to pretend you didn't expose her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> I have one sister, and I love my BIL as well... if I were in your shows no way in heck would I go behind my sister's back and tell BIL without giving her the chance to come clean herself.
> 
> "Jane, I know what you are doing and you should know that in no way do I support or condone it. Because I cannot support it, I am giving you the choice to tell Bob by tomorrow. If you do not, I will be forced to tell him for you, as I am not feeling comfortable being a part of your deception."





waiwera said:


> What a horrible situation to find yourself in.
> 
> Which ever way you go it could go wrong in some way and my thoughts are probably the opposite of many here.
> 
> ...


Dear Angus1985,

Pepper123 and waiwera have given you the best advice. Give your sister a chance to confess. If she refuses or fails to, tell him what you know. Whatever she says or does at that point is your BIL's problem to deal with. All you can reasonably be expected to do is see that he knows that there is a serious problem in his marriage. It's up to him to decide what to do after that.

Sorry to say this but revealing anonymously is a cowardly way of dealing with this. You owe it to both your S and BIL to be open and honest with them. If you can't do this, then IMO you are acting as a meddler not as a brother and friend.


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## Tover26 (Oct 29, 2011)

I wish someone had told me. I actually got an anonymous email about 1 of my wife's affairs. It sucked. I didn't know what to make of it and sat on it for a week before talking to her about it. Had she denied denied denied... it would have been messy. 

If you're close to your parents, talk to them. It outs her behavior and will give them time to figure it out for the family's sake. If not, talk to your sister but let her know that on a certain date you're talking to the BIL. 

As a betrayed spouse, the only thing worse than betrayal is finding out that everyone in your social and family circle knew AND DID NOTHING/AKA KEPT THE SECRET.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Doing it anonymously will most likely cause him to directly confront her ASAP, she will deny, and go further underground.


Agree, not to mention that I would never take seriously something someone said about my wife if that person didn't have the guts to say it to my face.



carmen ohio said:


> Sorry to say this but revealing anonymously is a cowardly way of dealing with this. You owe it to both your S and BIL to be open and honest with them. If you can't do this, then IMO you are acting as a meddler not as a brother and friend.


I think you pretty much covered it with _cowardly_. I stopped reading at that point, because that's the basic gist of it.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I want to thank you all. I'm getting closer to he decision of going to him not her.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Go to your sister first , give her 48 hours to tell him before you do.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

moto164 said:


> Go to your sister first , give her 48 hours to tell him before you do.


Which is potentially 48 hours for her to get her "story" straight and get rid of any evidence (none of which the OP has).

Anyway that you can gather more, or even some, evidence before going to either one of them???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Unless you have solid proof, which you do not, she can lie. Then she will take it very far underground.

Do you have the names of the people involved?

Can you get shots (even photos) of the ipad? Try to get something that she cannot deny.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Bluff don't tell her how you really found out just tell her someone came to you and told you. Let her mind start racing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

moto164 said:


> Go to your sister first , give her 48 hours to tell him before you do.


Why?

The sister has already cast her vote. She wants to cheat. She will act to hide the affairs and cover her tracks.

The betrayed husband needs to given help and support to catch her.

OP should try to photograph the ipad contents to show to the husband,


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why?
> 
> The sister has already cast her vote. She wants to cheat. She will act to hide the affairs and cover her tracks.
> 
> ...


Please just tell him yourself he will respect you for it. Tell him to tell her he went through her ipad, simple and effective.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Please just tell him yourself he will respect you for it. Tell him to tell her he went through her ipad, simple and effective.


And send him here for help,


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Angus,

If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want him just to come and talk to you about it? If you respect him then you will do this. Good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yes the sister can lie. I don't think it is Angus's role to be detective. Tell THE BIL and say where the evidence is. Explain how he can find it. 

The sister is going to lie and blame shift and follow the script. Angus can't do anything about that except share that info. We know exactly how this will go. 

THE BIL will either listen to the advice or he won't. Heck, 50 people tell a BS what to expect and they are still in so much denial they are unable to hear. This guy will be no different. All Angus can do is advise. The rest is unfortunately up to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

I do have the screenshots of the texts. I'm starting to see that going to him sounds like the best thing to do here. I do respect him very much and I am ashamed by my sisters behavior. I cannot believe she would risk everything for this. I was going back and forth on whether I should mind my own business or not. But if the roles were reversed I would want him to tell me. I was starting to feel like I would be responsible for breaking up this family with two small children under the age of 8 but am starting to realize that SHE is the one who is breaking up her family. 

My plan is to go there on Saturday and see the kids and pretend that I have stumbled on the texts in the iPad and go right to him with it. She will not be home and he will. What do you all think of that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Angus1985 said:


> I do have the screenshots of the texts. I'm starting to see that going to him sounds like the best thing to do here. I do respect him very much and I am ashamed by my sisters behavior. I cannot believe she would risk everything for this. I was going back and forth on whether I should mind my own business or not. But if the roles were reversed I would want him to tell me. I was starting to feel like I would be responsible for breaking up this family with two small children under the age of 8 but am starting to realize that SHE is the one who is breaking up her family.
> 
> My plan is to go there on Saturday and see the kids and pretend that I have stumbled on the texts in the iPad and go right to him with it. She will not be home and he will. What do you all think of that?


That seems like a decent idea to me. 

C


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you really think it's necessary to pretend? Let's say for a moment that your sister thought about you using her iPad and realize that you could have seen what she's up to and she sanitized the iPad. Then be forced to show him screenshots.

I just want you to plan for the worst. Are you available to watch the children? Perhaps take them back to your place? He's going to need some time to process and when your sister returns home it's not going to be pretty. I wish it were as simple as just telling him and walking away . I'm pretty cheap at your sister for taking such a selfish approach to life. And I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this position. But I'm very proud of you for wanting to do the right thing. 

Tell us more about your sister. That we know she's been extremely selfish and well stupid. You seem to be a very decent person so I also assume that she has to come from a similr background and will likely feels ashamed of herself. But the script the script and I'm afraid she's going to follow it at least to some extent . Most cheater she to fall into it naturally so I would be careful not to tell her too much about the script . I would hope however warn your brother in law about it. Maybe change into marriage builders rather than this site. We have several days so if you could tell us more about your sister maybe we can help you prepare for how this is going to go down. You're definitely right that your sister brought this on herself . Try to remember the part of loving your sister is helping her get out of a very unhealthy lifestyle. You may be shaving her from getting an STD and passing it on to your brother in law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Hopefully you can replace words like shave with save and just remember that speech to text isn't perfect 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Her kids play with that iPad every day. The 7 year old can read. I'm afraid he will read something really inappropriate which is why I will "find" the text messages and bring them right to my BIL. When I go there I often play with the kids on the iPad. My nephew loves candy crush and other games. My sister never uses the iPad it's mainly for the kids. 

A little about her. She is very pretty, in fantastic shape and her entire life has been spoiled. She has used men over and over to get what she wants. She is extremely materialistic ad one of the most selfish people I know. We were never close growing up. She never picks up the phone to call anyone in my family. You would be lucky to see a text from her unless she needs something from you. When I found this out I can honestly say I was not surprised. Her husband is very family oriented and a genuinely great man. It is truly him I feel for right now. He never should have married her. But like many before him I guess he couldn't get past the pretty little liar. I have so much anxiety from this you would not believe! My mother and other sister are as equally upset as I am.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

As a BS, if my WS's sister had known her brother was cheating and went to HIM rather than me I would be very upset. 
I would want to be the one who was told for many reasons. It would seem odd for my SIL to be talking to her brother about his affair behind MY back. Also it could help him cover his tracks. We are all familiar with the denial part of the WS script. 
It would be an added bonus be if she had convincing evidence as you do. BS find it hard to believe without proof when they first hear it as well as the fact that so many BS on here have gone to great lengths to try and find out the truth. You have already found it for your BIL.
My opinion is Angus that you are going about this in exactly the right way by telling him. Further it is great that you have solid evidence to back it up. Finally you have made your mother and sister aware of it so you will all be there to support him. He will need lots of that. 
Kudos to you and good luck.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Dang. Your sister sounds a lot like me except for the stunningly beautiful part and the using men part. <g>

So you've let more of your family know. Can they go with you Saturday? I hate to see you taking on the entire burden if there are reinforcements. 

Seems like your sister wants to get caught. If she doesn't really use the iPad doesn't it seem odd that she would be so careless? 

Do you know much about their marriage? Is she getting back at him for something? 

Is she a stay -at home mum?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do you think she'll be with one of her affair partners while she's out without the family on Saturday?

If so can your husband use find my iPhone to locate her at the AP hookup?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's also going to need to DNA the kids. 

You say she's bit multiple As going on egg different people? A man and a woman -are the APs aware of each other? Is you sister a swinger?


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

Angus1985 said:


> My mother and other sister are as equally upset as I am.


Since you told them about the affairs, did you also tell them about your plan to talk to the BIL? Just curious what their reaction is to that plan. It's difficult to give intelligent advice in this situation without knowing the people involved and how they are likely to react. It's good that you have others who do know the personalities and dynamics of the situation to weigh in.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Angus1985 said:


> A little about her. She is very pretty, in fantastic shape and her entire life has been spoiled. She has used men over and over to get what she wants. She is extremely materialistic ad one of the most selfish people I know. We were never close growing up. She never picks up the phone to call anyone in my family. You would be lucky to see a text from her unless she needs something from you. When I found this out I can honestly say I was not surprised. Her husband is very family oriented and a genuinely great man. It is truly him I feel for right now. He never should have married her. But like many before him I guess he couldn't get past the pretty little liar. I have so much anxiety from this you would not believe! My mother and other sister are as equally upset as I am.


This information scares me. 

Am I picking up some repressed hostility, or sibling rivalry? 

Not everyone who has a friend or sibling tell them they are aware of an affair or who is outed will take the affair further underground. 

Some just stand in the storm and admit responsibility. I did. 

When my affair was outed. I owned it. There are many people who will. 

If you have any kind of decent connection with your sister, then when she finds out you outed her, that connection will forever be damaged. 

If you love your sister and care about her wellbeing, but know that she will take the affair underground if you confront her, then an anonymous letter will be a better way to inform your BIL. 

If you don't care about your sister that much and you really like the brother in law, then tell him, but don't expect to retain a good relationship with your sister, thereafter. 

Also how will your other family members view you, if they know you were the one who outed your sister. 

It seems other family members know, yet they have not outed her. 

Just something to think about.

Also as someone else mentioned, is there any possibility she is having a revenge affair? Just because someone appears good and wholesome means nothing. Some people can put on a good act. They are so good at it that they even fool themselves into believing how self righteous and good they are.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Look I understand that you're in a lousy position but I think you're protecting yourself and being dishonest. You are still outing your sister but you are going to pretend you didn't expose her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Uhhhh he's not the bad guy here and does not deserve your condemnation.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

3putt said:


> Agree, not to mention that I would never take seriously something someone said about my wife if that person didn't have the guts to say it to my face.
> 
> 
> 
> I think you pretty much covered it with _cowardly_. I stopped reading at that point, because that's the basic gist of it.


I can't believe this guy comes on here, in this awful situation, and you people are calling him names. You should be ashamed of yourself. He is not the bad guy here!!


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Uh, OP said he was sure she is in multiple affairs based on what he read on the iPad, and has screenshots. I'd think any adult that can read can easily make this determination. Where are you seeing interpretation or ambiguity here?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Healer said:


> I can't believe this guy comes on here, in this awful situation, and you people are calling him names. You should be ashamed of yourself. He is not the bad guy here!!


I didn't call him a coward, just his actions on this one front. And they are. If you're going to do the right thing, then do it the right way.

No one called him a bad guy. Hell, we all have the utmost respect for his core values and morals. Takes a helluva lot of guts to out your own sister.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You are doing the right thing Angus.

Keep your BIL calm and the kids safe.

Do you know where your sister is going on Saturday?

HM


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

OnTheRocks said:


> Uh, OP said he was sure she is in multiple affairs based on what he read on the iPad, and has screenshots. I'd think any adult that can read can easily make this determination.


As far as I know, no one here has seen the evidence that he believes is damning. Even if I've missed it, I'd still stand by what I wrote. It could be circumstantial evidence that looks bad taken out of context, she may be cheating, or she may not be. Angus has said that he feels his sister is spoiled and entitled. Perhaps that has colored his view of what he found. I don't know, and as far as I can tell neither does anyone else here, yet this woman has been tried, convicted, and sentenced by people with no skin in the game.

All that I'm saying Angus, is that there may be consequences to taking this information to your BIL. Some of those consequences may unfairly damage her marriage or your relationship with her, her husband, and her kids. I think that you should think them through carefully. I know that this is not an easy decision for you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> As far as I know, no one here has seen the evidence that he believes is damning. Even if I've missed it, I'd still stand by what I wrote. It could be circumstantial evidence that looks bad taken out of context, she may be cheating, or she may not be. Angus has said that he feels his sister is spoiled and entitled. Perhaps that has colored his view of what he found. I don't know, and as far as I can tell neither does anyone else here, yet this woman has been tried, convicted, and sentenced by people with no skin in the game.
> 
> All that I'm saying Angus, is that there may be consequences to taking this information to your BIL. Some of those consequences may unfairly damage her marriage or your relationship with her, her husband, and her kids. I think that you should think them through carefully. I know that this is not an easy decision for you.


Well, I would certainly hope that he has the damning evidence. I don't think the guy is doing this based on suspicion. If all he had were a hunch I would like think he would be asking how to get the evidence, not how to expose.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

3putt said:


> Well, I would certainly hope that he has the damning evidence. I don't think the guy is doing this based on suspicion. If all he had were a hunch I would like think he would be asking how to get the evidence, not how to expose.


There are a lot of assumptions being made here. For all we know, his BIL already knows and is working on rebuilding his marriage. Making it public may be what pulls the marriage apart. None of us know. The point is that making their marriage his business may have repercussions for him, his BIL and their children. That deserves careful consideration.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

pplwatching said:


> There are a lot of assumptions being made here. For all we know, his BIL already knows and is working on rebuilding his marriage. Making it public may be what pulls the marriage apart. None of us know. The point is that making their marriage his business may have repercussions for him, his BIL and their children. That deserves careful consideration.


Projecting a little???

No one here has seen the evidence and the OP certainly knows that. The OP didn't ask for an assessment of the evidence. The OP reported simply that she has evidence of the affair from the iPad and has screenshots. I believe the posters here are offering advice, under the presumption that what the OP discovered is damning.

OP,

The worse thing you could do in my mind is nothing. I personally would tell your BIL face to face and let the chips land where they will. If you feel better with a clandestine revelation. OK. Don't be dissuaded from doing the right thing and allowing your BIL the ability to chose his future.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_There are a lot of assumptions being made here. For all we know, *his* BIL already knows and is working on rebuilding his marriage. Making it public may be what pulls the marriage apart. None of us know. The point is that making their marriage *his* business may have repercussions for *him, his* BIL and their children. That deserves careful consideration. _

FYI, OP is female, according to profile.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Projecting a little???


I'm not sure what this means. How is recommending that he carefully consider the consequences before doing anything projecting? :scratchhead:


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

> FYI, OP is female, according to profile.


Good catch! Thanks.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Philat said:


> _There are a lot of assumptions being made here. For all we know, *his* BIL already knows and is working on rebuilding his marriage. Making it public may be what pulls the marriage apart. None of us know. The point is that making their marriage *his* business may have repercussions for *him, his* BIL and their children. That deserves careful consideration. _
> 
> *FYI, OP is female, according to profile.*


LOL, now _that's_ a good example of a wrong assumption. I most people would tend to think with a username like Angus that it would be a male.


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

Yes I am female. I was totally in love with Angus Young in the 80's. 

The texts that I have of a conversation she was having with one of her friends was very explicit about her affair, about her fear that the OM threatened to come to her house. About the threesome they had with the OW apologizing because she got her period during the act. 

Is that enough friends? I did not post here to ask if you all thought this was an affair. That is 100% evident by HER words. I came here for advice as I was and still am very conflicted about what to so with the information I stumble upon. I did not ever dig to get info. I am very upset by what I know. And I change my mind about 10 times a day of what to do with this information. 

For whoever said that I am being selfish for my actions could &$;@ it! I am not here to be judged, I am here trying to work out what to do with I know if I do anything at all. This burden is causing me so much stress I just wish I knew what to do. 

Thank you to all who have shared your opinions and offered your advice. I hope I can see the right thing to do.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

It's the right thing to do it won't be easy. Maybe he'll want you to take the kids for a while


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## joannab (Oct 1, 2013)

You've got the screen shots. It doesn't matter if she "takes it underground." You already have proof. 

Confront her and tell her you know and have proof of the affairs. Tell her to confess and take the burden off of you, or you're going to your BIL with the evidence.

You should not have to be the one to tell your BIL that his wife is cheating. That will only put salt in the wounds for him, IMO.

Good luck! Let us know what happens.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He joined your family when he married your sister. He's someone you need to help in life.


He is being betrayed in the worst way, she's very possibly bringing home stds to him. 

Her friends know and they are laughing at him behind his back.

Tell him ASAP, and be there to help him deal with her. Help him post the OM and OW up on cheaterville.com,

Go with him to tell the wife or gf of the OM and the husband or BF of the other woman.

Help him not believe her when she blames her cheating on him.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

With the evidence you saw, I think joannab's advice is spot on.

Confront her with what you saw and give her a deadline to confess or you will inform BIL in order to protect him and her children from her reckless actions.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why does everyone suggest confronting the cheating sister? It only gives her time to lie more.

She's actually bragging to her friends openly about the affair and her threesome. Do you think she's gonna suddenly grow a conscience out of thin air?


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why does everyone suggest confronting the cheating sister? It only gives her time to lie more.


It would also seem to pose a problem if she says that she's confessed, but hasn't. How does one delicately verify that a WS has told a BS anything at all, much less the truth?



> Help him not believe her when she blames her cheating on him.


If you choose to expose, rather than taking an active role in their marriage you might consider offering him some pointers on where to seek help. Give them space to work through their problems together without the added embarrassment of airing dirty laundry in front of close family.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

The right thing to do, in my opinion, is to tell the brother-in-law. As Shaggy said, he joined the family, and he needs help now. It's bad enough that the woman who bonded him to your family (his wife/your cheating sister) has betrayed him. It'll be worse still if he carries on oblivious to the betrayal, because the only other person in the family who was aware of the affairs did nothing.

As you yourself said, Angus, if you were being cheated on, you would want someone to tell you. It's for the best. He may resent you for it (the messenger always gets screwed over), but at the very least you can move forward, knowing that you did the right thing.

You mentioned that your sister and you aren't particularly close, in any case, so it wouldn't make sense to approach her about it. She probably won't care, and if she did, would do her damnedest to cover up her affairs and portray you as a jealous, vindictive liar who is out to destroy her marriage. She will warn her husband about you, and destroy any credibility you have.

Tell your brother-in-law, personally. Just approach him alone, hand him the evidence, and tell him:

"I respect you a lot, so I hate to do this. But if this happened to be, I would want someone to tell me about it, rather than keep it a secret. It's about (my sister) and your marriage. Please sit down and give yourself a lot of time to read this. I'm sorry."

And leave it at that.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_It's the right thing to do it won't be easy_

:iagree: On both counts.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> This information scares me.
> 
> Am I picking up some repressed hostility, or sibling rivalry?
> 
> ...


I'm sorry remorse full but only someone who it is a cheater would have this kind of advice. Just the language you're using ifyou don't care about your sister that much, etc. Do I sense resentment! You sense disgust. Her other family members see it the same way. 

There is nothing wrong with describing the sisters behaviour for what it is. She didn't offer that info. I asked. 

This really irks me. It smacks of the blame shifting and manipulation. Since when does a cheater tell the truth right away? You had multiple affairs if I recall correctly. You say you owned them but did you trickle truth, etc? 

You have hit a couple of zeroes lately. What's up with that? Something is different with you. Hope everything is ok. 
Well, don't want to thread Jack. 

Angus is wrestling with a very difficult situation and is on the side of right. How about a little credit for being willing to do what do few are... if more people would get involved and take responsibility for not keeping secrets that shouldn't be kept, and for loving enough to take a risk. 

If more people had friends and family they knew would not stand by and watch cheating and other destructive behaviour there would be a lot less of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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