# Wife wants separation. I need some help!



## chwlee (Sep 21, 2009)

Help. My wife and I have been together for 12 years. We met in college and became college sweethearts of sort 
We have been married for 6 years now our Anniversary is coming up on Nevember 9th.
I grew up very spoiled and very catered to. I also watched my dad hitting my mom on numerous occasions.(like my first memory of them was my dada beating my mom) It wasnt healthy now i see. I hated it. HOwever he stopped and they are still together.
Anyway, I am a very selfish person and I know that especially now. My wife was the giving type so she was always there for me. 

About a year into our relationship, after a huge fight i hit her. I instantly regretted it and apologized profusely. However it got easier and easier to hit her over fights. After about 4 years of it, I realized that I was breaking her, I woke up one day and told her "I love you too much to do this to you. I am not gonna hit you again" and I havent.

We got married 2 years after that has our first boy about a year and a half later. Everything was fine, we bought our first home in SC and thought things were okay. 
I got laid off from my job then ended up going to another job which required a lot more hrs. ABout 4 months into it. I started an affair with an employee which lasted about a year. Reasons why i started isn't as important now, it DID happen. ANd my wife also got pregnant with our 2nd son during the affair. 
Eventually my wife found out about the affair and you can only imagine how bad it was. I was still lost at the time. I was to a point where I didn't know wether I still wanted to be with her. I had the symptoms of "grass is greener on the other side" After a few months however, I realized what I had and found my love for her again.
She wanted to go to counseling to a local pastor. After a few sessions. I gave up. It wasnt helping me.(selfish, remember?) It became a bashing session and how it was immoral. I couldn't not take "trust and have faith in God" anymore. It's obvious that I have lost my faith in GOd long before that.
SO we just patched it up and kept going. I didn't even want it mentioned. 
A year after that her father got diagnosed with a lung cancer and eventually passed away a few months later. I was there for her.
And a year after that we moved into a new town to get a new beginning and start over. I requested a transfer and we moved. That was JAnuary of this year.
She started a new job and made a friend with a guy at work. She swore up and down he was just a friend, he is not her type at all and I do believe her. Though I do NOT trust his intentions.
I kept having weird feelings about them. She even ran up a $450 cell phone bill talking to him. in the morning and at night when I am not around!
She goes jogging at a local park at night and one day I could not get in touch with her. I finally went to the park around midnight and saw them 2 talking. I got so furious and peeled out and came back home. She followed me home and we got into a huge fight. I was throwing stuff around, she was saying "how dare you accuse me after what you did!" and I ended up pushing her down and grabbing her neck in my hands. SHe flipped out and told me never to touch her. and of course, my anger immediately disappeared and I was apologing again. SO the tables were turned on that fight.
a few days later she sat me down and told me she wanted a separation. I did what came naturally and begged and fought. This only pusher her towards frustration and anger. NOw she wants a divorce. She kicked me out of the room. SHe is hostile and lashes out at me. She tells me to move on because she DID. She says she does NOT love me. SHe is NOT changing her mind she says. She tells me not to try. She says I need the help and she is perfectly fine moving on. She tells me since it was so easy for me to 'f' someone before and it should not be that hard for me to find another trash to 'f'.
She is angry but at the same time very cold and distant. she doesn't even look at me. She gets very annoyed with me. 
I have however decided to give her space like she told me to. I leave her alone to do whatever. We are going to counseling. she says it is to "NOT repair the marriage" but to "work on our relationship so we can be good for the boys as separated parents". I need some help people


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

It might be a good idea for you to go to a therapist by yourself. I can see that you have good intentions, and you know that being physically abusive to your wife is wrong, but you're doing that, anyway.

It seems to me that your wife should move out, if only for her own safety. In the meantime, with professional help, you should try to get a handle on how to stop taking your anger out on her by pummeling or choking her.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think he should move out. 

The shame here is that when she wanted to get the marriage help, he turned it down because he'd have to deal with all that he had done to her. She never really recovered. Everything just got burried.

I'm sorry but it doesn't look good for you. She's got a lot of valid complaints and she has a new friend so she isn't completely alone.

She may not see it as an emotional affair, but I think it is pretty clear it is one. She might not even be aware that it is. She's just leaning on a friend. His motives don't really matter to tell you the truth. This is about her.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

yes, she needs some space. 

I can not imagine being hit as a wife, so I can not identify but it seems like it would take a whole lot of trust to stay with a guy that get physical whenever there is something that needs to be talked about and worked through.

I would encourage you to go to a counselor on your own to get help with the physical stuff.... let God deal with YOU and trust Him with her.


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## chwlee (Sep 21, 2009)

sbbs said:


> It might be a good idea for you to go to a therapist by yourself. I can see that you have good intentions, and you know that being physically abusive to your wife is wrong, but you're doing that, anyway.
> 
> It seems to me that your wife should move out, if only for her own safety. In the meantime, with professional help, you should try to get a handle on how to stop taking your anger out on her by pummeling or choking her.


Ok what I was saying is that I stopped over 6 years ago. I understand there is no reason to hit someone. What happened is that when I found them 2 talking at the dark local park at midnight. She took another 20 min to come home to talk to me. I was very calm and asked what was going on. She said they are just friends. She was very defiant and I asked her if she talked to him on the way home she said no. About 45 min later she admitted talking to him on her way home. I called her out on her lie and asked which was truth. She said here, look at my phone! But it was deleted. She was already in the habit of deleting her calls! That's when I lost it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chwlee (Sep 21, 2009)

20yrs said:


> yes, she needs some space.
> 
> I can not imagine being hit as a wife, so I can not identify but it seems like it would take a whole lot of trust to stay with a guy that get physical whenever there is something that needs to be talked about and worked through.
> 
> I would encourage you to go to a counselor on your own to get help with the physical stuff.... let God deal with YOU and trust Him with her.


For everyone, I am seeing a counselor jointly as well as by myself. Solo sessions are going well. Join session, well she blew me out and I just sat there and took it.
I also put myself on depression medicine. I started exercising and found that useful. I am fully aware what I've done. I just wish there was a glimmer of hope. 
I found out the other day that my older son calls other guy "uncle sean" and Apparently they all have been going out to eat and stuff. All I do is work and come home
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think what she's doing with the other guy is disrespectful of you and your son. "Uncle Sean" indeed! He's not family. (I never understood that "uncle" stuff, anyway.)

So if I were you I'd ask if that would stop during this period. Talk about mixing your son up with marital issues. It isn't right.


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