# lack of attraction/passion



## confusedinNJ (Aug 9, 2013)

Hello,

I am here on this site because I dont' know what to do about my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we met in college. I was very attracted to him when we first met but the attraction waned over a few months. Despite this, we got married because we got along very well. To be specific, I am attracted to him as a person and friend but there is no sexual passion on my end. He is very attracted to me sexually but when we have sex it is like a chore for me. I have to have to visualize having sex with strangers in order to enjoy it. I do find myself attracted to other people. In my mind this is a stupid reason to get a divorce but I don't know what else to do. I have been seeing a counselor and she feels that since the passion dissipated so early in the relationship that there wasn't much there to begin with. I feel like my husband is my friend and protector but I long for sex and a kiss that is passionate and desirable. Am i a bad person if I divorce for this reason? I am 39. Thank you for reading!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Is he a good lover?

Is he in good physical shape?

We need more info about the lack of attraction and the reasons for it.

It is quite highly likely that you CAN regain attraction for him if you are willing to do some marital work.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Hi there. If you have to imagine having sex with a stranger to make love to your husband, you are at risk of infidelity. What is it that you found attractive in him in the first place that you struggle to find attractive now?

I agree with Faithful Wife. There is some serious soul searching you need to do before even contemplating divorce. Concluding that you want a divorce over this issue is a recipe for multiple failed marriages.

Lust and physical looks are fleeting and don't last in anyone. But love strengthens the bond of marriage and attraction to your husband changes from the lustful desires of the flesh to an overall appreciation of who this husband of yours is to you.


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## confusedinNJ (Aug 9, 2013)

He is a good lover, that is not the issue at all. He has gained weight steadily over time which does help matters. He is maybe, 20-25 lbs overweight, not much, but he gains it in his face which makes his face less attractive. Losing weight is just a lost cause. He will lose weight and then gain it right back. He will start exercise and give up a week later. I don't think that's the entire reason for the lack of attraction though, it just doesn't help. I think another reason is that he has a passive personality about everything except his hobbies. He's more of a 'talker' than a 'doer'. And he's insecure. I Does that make sense?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Buy this book for your husband.
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life

It will help him become more attractive. Either you will be attracted to him, or he will be able to attract other women after you divorce. Either way, it will really help him.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you have kids?

No, I don't think it makes a person bad to leave a platonic marriage.


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## confusedinNJ (Aug 9, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Buy this book for your husband.
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life
> 
> It will help him become more attractive. Either you will be attracted to him, or he will be able to attract other women after you divorce. Either way, it will really help him.


Thank you. How do i give it to him without insulting him?



> Do you have kids?
> 
> No, I don't think it makes a person bad to leave a platonic marriage.


No kids.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

confused...you need to realize that by NOT telling him, you are hurting him. He needs to understand that you have lost your attraction so you can both work to fix this. How can you "hurt" him by telling him? The thing is, lack of attraction CAN lead to a divorce. So what you do is consider that you are being honest so that you can avoid a divorce.

He will be less hurt than you think he will.

I recommend you read MMSL yourself before you ever give it to your H. There are good and bad things in that book....it is not for everyone.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

confusedinNJ said:


> Thank you. How do i give it to him without insulting him?


There are very few men that would object to the idea of improving their sex lives. That's the purpose of the book. I don't recommend giving him the book and telling him that you're not attracted to him. Just tell him that someone recommended the book to you.

And I don't recommend reading it. The book discusses the general sexual preferences of women, often subconscious preferences, and advises men on how to meet their wives' needs. If your husband reads the book and you begin to find him more attractive, why question it?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I definitely recommend you read it yourself first. You should want to know what you are "suggesting" to him by giving it to him.

I have read the book myself and my husband has not (he doesn't need that type of advice). But I read it because I read everything and because I have a biz on the side that is related to relationship happiness.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

It seems there is grand jump to talking about divorce without actually talking about and agreeing upon a solution to your attraction problem. A lot has yet been said and done. Please consider solutions with the goal of optimising a marriage you want to save rather than talking about divorce.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

confusedinNJ said:


> ...he has a *passive personality* about everything except his hobbies...*more of a 'talker' than a 'doer'*... and he's* insecure.*


These. He needs to exhibit more alpha qualities and most men are entirely able to do that once they realize they are lacking. Have you communicated to him that you find those qualities attractive? 

It sounds like you have his libido in your hands and you want him to have yours but he is just not taking it. The fact that you have "the reward" means that he can be conditioned. 

The whole thing is that HE needs to understand that there is an issue and that it is an issue he CAN address. 

The big question is do you really want him to address this issue? Sounds like you are wanting to divorce someone over a problem without giving them a chance to fix it. That just from what I've read here so far. 

Find a way to communicate this to him and give him a chance to fix it.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

I'm not going to tell you that you're a bad person, but I feel sorry for your husband. You've lead him on from day one. 

1. Your basing the future of your marriage on his looks. 

2. You made him believe you loved him when all you really did was "got along with him." (boy, that sounds like a reason to get married)

3. He has gained a small amount of weight since your wedding. As little as 2 lbs. per year for the last 12 years. 
Are you still as fit as you were 12 years ago?

4. You don't care for his passiveness, but want him to change his personality to suit your desires.

5. Sex with your husband is a chore for you, but know your husband is still very attracted to you. 

6. You feel like your husband is your best friend, but you want passionate kissing and sex from someone else who is desirable in your eyes.

I know I'm not going to score any brownie points with this post, but I would be devastated, if after 12 years of marriage, my wife told me what you just laid out. 

Somehow I think the advice posted above would be much different if you were a man complaining about his wife. (At least that's what I've seen on prior threads.)

My advice is do your husband a favor and divorce the poor guy. He deserves someone that loves him for who he is.
No one wants to be changed into someone they never have been to suit the fickle desires of another person that doesn't love them for who they are.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Batman, whilst your advice is sobering, it leaves no room for grace. We all have flaws like the original poster has. Rather than shoot her down with them, perhaps we could encourage her to make amends. Her husband still loves her, and that still means something. She is only a shift in attitude away from loving him back. All is not lost.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Weathered said:


> Batman, whilst your advice is sobering, it leaves no room for grace. We all have flaws like the original poster has. Rather than shoot her down with them, perhaps we could encourage her to make amends. Her husband still loves her, and that still means something. She is only a shift in attitude away from loving him back. All is not lost.


But you're asking for a shift in atitude to something that never existed, and hasn't developed over the course of a 12 year marriage...


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## confusedinNJ (Aug 9, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I'm not going to tell you that you're a bad person, but I feel sorry for your husband. You've lead him on from day one.
> 
> 1. Your basing the future of your marriage on his looks.
> 
> ...


Hi Batman 4691,

In some ways I feel like you're right which is why i feel weird asking him to change some some very key components of his personality. It's really not about looks. I thought about it because even with the small weight gain he is still a very good looking guy. But he is never going to be a take-charge, alpha type. I never even thought that's what I wanted to be honest. When we met, I didn't want an alpha male type which I think was why I was attracted in the beginning. But then those "weak" traits surfaced fairly quickly in different ways. I never connected the two together, the lack of attraction and the passiveness. If the attraction has been gone for so long, is there any hope of it coming back? because it's not like it's only happened recently. If I do decide to divorce (makes me absolutely sick just thinking about it), what would I tell him? I would so completely devastated if someone told me they weren't attracted to me! I cannot even fathom hurting my husband like that!


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## confusedinNJ (Aug 9, 2013)

Or... Should I just get over it and realize attraction doesn't last forever??


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

confusedinNJ said:


> Or... Should I just get over it and realize attraction doesn't last forever??


Thats why its always better to love the person. If you love the person, physical attraction is icing on the cake.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Weathered said:


> Batman, whilst your advice is sobering, it leaves no room for grace. We all have flaws like the original poster has. Rather than shoot her down with them, perhaps we could encourage her to make amends. Her husband still loves her, and that still means something. She is only a shift in attitude away from loving him back. All is not lost.


I have no doubt that the OP's husband loves her. She stated as much. The real question is does she truly love him? Has she in the last 12 years of marriage loved him? 
From her OP, she stated she hasn't.

I have read on TAM numerous times advice of being 100% honest in your marriage. Well, honestly, the OP's husband deserves a little here. He deserves someone that will honestly love him for who he is. He has been duped for the last 12 years that his beautiful wife actually loves him, and finds him desirable. 

Somehow it went from her problem of not being honest 12 years ago with him, to his problem of not ever being the Alpha male she is attracted too.

I find it highly questionable that the "grace" of advice so far given for her to make amends, is for her to not be honest with him about her true feelings, and have him change for her by reading a book that will somehow make him the more assertive and outgoing male that she desires.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP, sorry you are here.

The famous stuck point of many problems (not just marriage) is realising that we all have unique values, beliefs, and we all see things differently.

There are many things one could do to try and "fix" the other person. Some work well, if the fix is the solution that brings that person back closer to their authentic self, and allows them to grow, and embrace intimacy.

Sometimes the "fix" is to not fix it.
It is to recognize that YOU have some needs. What are they?
What is it that makes you feel passion, excitement? What are you searching for? 


This is the hard question. Which only you can answer, for yourself.
Because once you decide what it truly is you are searching for, you must decide if it's your husband responsibility to provide that for you.
Or, you decide that you own your own happiness, and you can be yourself. BE the passion, excitement you are searching for. 
Create those moments in your own life. Allow it come from you, instead of waiting for it to happen "to you". 

What you seek is what will come your way, so to speak.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

confusedinNJ said:


> Hi Batman 4691,
> 
> In some ways I feel like you're right which is why i feel weird asking him to change some some very key components of his personality. It's really not about looks. I thought about it because even with the small weight gain he is still a very good looking guy. But he is never going to be a take-charge, alpha type. I never even thought that's what I wanted to be honest. When we met, I didn't want an alpha male type which I think was why I was attracted in the beginning. But then those "weak" traits surfaced fairly quickly in different ways. I never connected the two together, the lack of attraction and the passiveness. If the attraction has been gone for so long, is there any hope of it coming back? because it's not like it's only happened recently. If I do decide to divorce (makes me absolutely sick just thinking about it), what would I tell him? I would so completely devastated if someone told me they weren't attracted to me! I cannot even fathom hurting my husband like that!


I truly find your situation very heartbreaking, and I am sorry if my prior post had some sting to it, but I would hope that people come to TAM looking for some honest advice rather than advice to make them feel better. 

My advice is to be honest with your husband. He deserves that. You don't have to be brutal about it, just tell him that your attraction to him is failing, and has been for a long time. Then lay out the reasons you stated above. Then let him respond. 

If he decides to work on and change himself for you, that is up to him, and at least he knows what he is up against. 
If he is inherently passive and more "Beta" in nature, I don't know if he can successfully make that leap to be more Alpha. If he was more Alpha at one time, I could see it happening, but I don't feel like that is the case.

You also have to be honest with yourself, and decide what you want in a partner. No matter how hard your husband tries to meet your expectations, it is possible that he just doesn't have it in him to meet them. If over a period of months or years he tries and fails at pleasing you, that scenario can add even more heartache for both of you. 

I say talk with him, and see where it goes. I would want my wife to be honest with me rather than put on an act while secretly desiring other men. 
Maybe attending a marriage counselor together can help bring this loss of love and attraction out and give both of you better avenues to pursue.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

I think it is important to point out that the guy doesn't have to completely flip his personality around,he only has to amp up in a few key areas during some very specific times. Women in general prefer a certain class of male (alpha or beta) depending on their own current biochemical state. Which is really heavily influenced by her menstrual cycle. These states can also change over long periods of time, which appears to be the case here. OP is likely more fertile now than she was when they met. The key for him is to amp up the alpha when she is at her most fertile stage of the month, and please the heck out of her. People can change and that is as much to do with chemical changes that happen naturally as it does with anything else.

Good stuff to research.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

And I agree with being honest with your husband. There must be good reasons why you as two consenting adults decided to marry and those are worth revisiting. Yes, it's up to the other person to make the changes they need but you must openly discuss those needs with him. You may be surprised how obliging he might be with your request. If it is important to you be might just become more assertive. But in the end you have the choice to love him or not. If not, then the relationship will not live up to its potential. Talk about this.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Wow...I logged on to TAM to write OP's exact post. I am going through the exact problem to a T, down to the slight weight gain. After reading all the comments, I have a question> So what if the attraction NEVER comes back? Is a passionless marriage okay? I am in the same boat except for me it's been 4 years now of not feeling sexual towards my H. WE fixed all our emotional stuff. I thought when those things got fixed the attraction would come back. Nope. Still nothing. He is awesome in bed- gave me 5 orgasms the other day in one session! But I was thinking of someone else.  
I'm sure the OP is worried about this- what if nothing works? Do you leave someone over this???


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

confusedinNJ said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am here on this site because I dont' know what to do about my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we met in college. I was very attracted to him when we first met but the attraction waned over a few months. Despite this, we got married because we got along very well. To be specific, I am attracted to him as a person and friend but there is no sexual passion on my end. He is very attracted to me sexually but when we have sex it is like a chore for me. I have to have to visualize having sex with strangers in order to enjoy it. I do find myself attracted to other people. In my mind this is a stupid reason to get a divorce but I don't know what else to do. I have been seeing a counselor and she feels that since the passion dissipated so early in the relationship that there wasn't much there to begin with. I feel like my husband is my friend and protector but I long for sex and a kiss that is passionate and desirable. Am i a bad person if I divorce for this reason? I am 39. Thank you for reading!


I would agree with your counselor. Sounds to me like there hasn't been much there from the start. Being a Walk-Away-Wife isn't something to be proud of, but it's better than being a cheating wife.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

JuliaP said:


> Wow...I logged on to TAM to write OP's exact post. I am going through the exact problem to a T, down to the slight weight gain. After reading all the comments, I have a question> So what if the attraction NEVER comes back? Is a passionless marriage okay? I am in the same boat except for me it's been 4 years now of not feeling sexual towards my H. WE fixed all our emotional stuff. I thought when those things got fixed the attraction would come back. Nope. Still nothing. He is awesome in bed- gave me 5 orgasms the other day in one session! But I was thinking of someone else.
> I'm sure the OP is worried about this- what if nothing works? Do you leave someone over this???


I don't mean to thread jack the OP's problem, but since they are similar I have a brief comment.

You both describe not being physically attracted to your husbands. Is there anything about them physically that you do find attractive? Is it something they could work on if they chose too? 
Have you considered a separation from your husband to see if your feelings are confirmed or if you find yourself missing him. 

Also, I think it is somewhat normal to fantasize about other more attractive people, (or body parts) when having sex with your SO. However, if you have to do this every time to get thru the encounter, maybe it's time for a heart to heart talk.

My advice to you, is the same advice to confusedinNJ. 
You have to decide what you are willing to live with and live without. No one can determine that for you, better than you, and you need to tell your husband. He is part of the equation.

Like I said before, I would hate it if my wife thought our intimacy and sexual relations were a chore for her and she was seriously thinking about another man. I can resolve to fix and change me to deal with it, but I cannot fix it if I don't know that it's broken.

If your husband is a sweetheart of a nice guy, but not quite the manly, action hero, romantic that curls your toes for you, and you think there is someone else out there just right for you, give it a shot. 
If those feelings of sweaty passion and the heated intimacy of melting into each other are important to you, and something has to change, then make that change. 

But don't misinterpret these feelings. The excitement of a new partner can be fantastic but also short-lived, and you will be back to feeling passion starved in another 4 or 5 years.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Dear ConfusedNJ & JulieP,

You're 39 and you met back in college? I'd expected to meet someone in college, but to my surprise I didn't and subsequently went through many years of dating hell before I met my wife. Looking back, the best thing that came out of those years is that it prepared me to appreciate my marriage. Had I gotten married right out of college, I might have been afflicted with the attitude that there might be someone new and better just around the corner, whenever my marriage wasn't easy. If you enjoy the possibility of pursuing the other attractive people you mentioned, what I'm about to write will be unlikely to impress you. If you're lamenting your lack of desire, but the good things you mentioned are true, and there aren't other grave problems you haven't yet mentioned, maybe you should spend a little more time on this site reading about some of the people with truly grave problems.

In the back of my closet there's a big box filled with books about relationships and sexuality, all of which I bought when I was single. Little of it was really very useful, but there were a few gems. I just opened the box spent a few minutes looking for a passage culminating in the phrase, "Getting turned on is a DECISION, it just doesn't feel like one," which I thought was from Judith Sills', "A Fine Romance," but maybe not. That's a book more applicable to single people than married people, but since you're apparently considering the possibility of a return to your past single status, you might first want to ponder this quote:

"It's a fair bet that if you are doing the same thing romantically at forty that you were doing at twenty-two, something went wrong in the meantime. Life does not have to be a constant process of repeating yourself.

"There is no challenge in falling in love with someone who suits your ideal picture. But you get an incredible internal stretch when you struggle to love someone who is all too human. That's higher ground.

"It's kid stuff to be sexually aroused for a year or so by a perfectly erotic body. It's a mental growth spurt when you can stay faithful to and interested in a body that time has begun to irreparably alter. That's higher ground.

"It is always the child's way to lose interest in the old toy and be drawn to the shiny new one. The child says it's the toy's fault, but we know it's a reflection of the child's attention span. It's a grown-up who can pick a partner and stick with that choice despite the countless shiny new possibilities in the path. That's higher ground.

"The best reason to go all the way in a courtship is that it opens you to the possibility of a future instead of constantly reliving different versions of your past. The future is you higher ground."


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> confused...you need to realize that by NOT telling him, you are hurting him. He needs to understand that you have lost your attraction so you can both work to fix this. How can you "hurt" him by telling him? The thing is, lack of attraction CAN lead to a divorce. So what you do is consider that you are being honest so that you can avoid a divorce.
> 
> He will be less hurt than you think he will.


I wouldn't disagree with what you wrote in all cases, but in this case I disagree. Somewhere I heard a saying, "Sometimes honesty can be cruelty." I'm not saying don't discuss. But better be very careful. "You can't un-ring a bell."


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Batman4691 said:


> I don't mean to thread jack the OP's problem, but since they are similar I have a brief comment.
> 
> You both describe not being physically attracted to your husbands. Is there anything about them physically that you do find attractive? Is it something they could work on if they chose too?
> Have you considered a separation from your husband to see if your feelings are confirmed or if you find yourself missing him.
> ...


Really nice post Batman. TO JulieP and ConfusedinNJ, the fact is that both of you are looking for more and you are no longer excited by your husbands. And something inside you doesn't want to make the adjustment. 

Why don't both of you try being honest with your husbands and tell them you want to explore? Don't lie about the reasons for the break. See what life is like and what your feelings are when your husband is no longer there, because part of the problem is that you're fantasizing about other men, but you still have Mr. Plan B as your security-blanket.

Let them go. Get rid of the security blanket and then see you feel. Is it fair to have them remain in a marriage with a wife who doesn't love them? And please, don't say you do love them, because it's the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" syndrome.

It's a brutal honesty but the alternative is to keep lying and hiding your feelings, which is an affair waiting to happen.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Well, there are many points made in the previous posts. Here is a couple of my thoughts on this. 

We each have the opportunity to choose what we focus on. We can focus on the face (since you mentioned that) that we don't find as attractive, or we can focus on the chest, or arms, or butt or whatever about your partner that you do like. Changing ones focus can have a major impact on your finding him attractive. 

I have found that showing appreciation can go a long way too. Thanking your partner for the things they do or the things you like about them is great for increasing intimacy with each other.

Touching each other also has a big impact. Simple things like stroking your partners arm, holding hands and hugging are all actions that release some wonderful feel good and bonding chemical in your brain that help to create and maintain attraction.

Many women now days spend a lot of time in masculine energy, working jobs, raising kids and such all require masculine energy. Feminine energy is more flowing, nurturing, not concerned with time restraints etc. It is easy to forget to change from that masculine energy into feminine energy so your man can be the masculine one. I have seen this time and again and have done this myself in the past. It is something that takes a conscious effort, but gets easier with time. Singing, dancing, dressing in something sexy and feminine are all great ways to change this energy.


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