# Ex invites me to her birthday - WTF!?



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

My story in short. 20th March my wife drops the 'love but not in love' bomb. We immediately go to MC but after 3 sessions it is clear she is done. We spend 2 months separated in the same house during which time I discover that she is flirting with other men on dating sites. I confront her about it being disrespectful and not on whilst we were in the same house. From that point on I go dark on her. She moves out on 18th May and I start picking up the pieces and trying to move on.

I thought I was doing a good job at going dark during the pick up and drop offs of our son which is several times a fortnight. But obviously not dark enough - tonight when she picked up our son, she invited me to her 40th like we were good friends. I said 'Sorry but it would be a little too awkward for me at the moment' ...keep in mind my son was in the room so I could not say 'why the f%$k would I want to attend that?' 

Bottom line is I am not going even though we have many mutual friends that will be there. The way I see it I cannot detach, rebuild and move on whilst still being her friend. I only wanted her as my wife not just a friend. I also don't want to share the bits she still likes about me as a friend whilst she goes off looking for some other dude that has a bigger salary and an athletic physique.

Should I send her an email letting her know where I am at in regards to remaining friends? Obviously the 'going dark' is not sending a clear enough message. I do admit it is hard to do too hard on the dark side with my son present. I just remain monotone and business like with most of our dealings.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Just keep doing what you are doing. Ignore her.

She wants to be "friends" to make herself feel better and assuage the guilt she feels for breaking up the marriage and....well... being a tramp.

She probably has a date for the party and wanted to rub your nose in it.

Stay dark.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I haven't read anything on the 180 because it doesn't apply to my situation, but I've read enough comments from other posters to know they're going to tell you a big n-o to the e-mail. She has some nerve inviting you. Obviously her nonchalanct attitude about how you might feel about the invite is proof positive of her selfishness. If she wants to be single, then let her be single. She doesn't get to pick and choose when she wants you. And my advice, for what it's worth, is do NOT give her the satisfaction of an e-mail. Then she'll know she still has the ability to affect you. And besides - what would her response even be? "I'm sorry you feel that way, I thought we could at least be friends" or something along those lines to be sure. She's going to be 40 you say? She's old enough to know what game she's playing on you. Don't let her win. Let her 40th come and go. Don't even wish her a happy birthday. That will have a greater affect on her, and be much more satisfying to you, then writing an e-mail to which you already know her response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Do not send her an email. 

She is still measuring you to see if if she can "control" you. You seem to be doing very well --- and you will never be able to go completely dark -- as you both have to co-parent your son.

Just keep all the interactions about your son --- and don't respond to anything about her -- 

She chose this life --- let he now realize her decision.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I can always rely on the folk at TAM to snap me back into reality. I did type up the email but I will just add it to my journal. Sometimes it is good just to write what I want to say to her just to get it out of my system. I won't send it. 

I still feel like her turning 40 was part of her reason for choosing separation - I have no doubt it was a mid life crisis and I was not part of the plan. I will just let it pass without wishing her a happy birthday. I will assist my son in getting her a present but that is all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah, and sooner than she thinks she'll be 50, and the crows feet and wrinkles will be starting.... the men will thin out... and she will come out of her MLC fog and think to herself "WTF did I do?"


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> Thanks everyone. I can always rely on the folk at TAM to snap me back into reality. I did type up the email but I will just add it to my journal. Sometimes it is good just to write what I want to say to her just to get it out of my system. I won't send it.
> 
> I still feel like her turning 40 was part of her reason for choosing separation - I have no doubt it was a mid life crisis and I was not part of the plan. I will just let it pass without wishing her a happy birthday. I will assist my son in getting her a present but that is all.


Sometimes it really helps to write things down in a safe place. Just don't send anything out --- that would defeat the whole purpose.

Good luck !!


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Mothra777 said:


> I also don't want to share the bits she still likes about me as a friend whilst she goes off looking for some other dude that has a bigger salary and an athletic physique.


Mothra, I couldn't have said any of that better myself, it is exactly how I feel and what I reckon is happening in my situation.

I also totally get your on the age thing - she is late 30's and is in the best shape she's been since we got married, and combine that with her job promotion, boob job, fancy new car and new circle of "Cool" professional divorcee friends...the only conclusion to me is she wants to hit the town with the girls and meet much cooler guys than me....yet she is bending over backwards to keep me in the friend zone, and doesn't seem to understand why I sometimes get angry at her.

Having a child together makes it so tricky doesn't it - she want's to keep all of those family/dad features you've painstakingly built up and even compromised yourself for over the years, she just loves all that....but ultimately views you as disposable garbage. Man, at this point I'd love to never see her again and move far away (and like you, tell her exactly how I feel when similar things as per this instance of yours comes up) - but on the other hand you feel trapped and unable to get your true emotions because of the child.

I really am starting to resent her so much, and I'm still unsure how to walk this line. For the last couple of months I had a mindset of "You think you are too cool for me? I'll show you", and went and did just that - went out partying like it was 1999 and even had a couple of one night/multiple night stands with a couple of younger chicks in the bars. I was on cloud 9 for a while...maybe even getting into a fog of my own a bit.

But what I'm going through now I have calmed down and stepped away a bit, is the realization that I feel forced into adopting HER choice of lifestyle....it wasn't mine. I realize now that all I was playing a game of one upmanship - I think I also just wanted to validate that I've still "Got it", so to speak. Now, I don't regret it, but the whole thing has left me feeling rather hollow and wondering what the next step is in "finding myself" in a situation that I really didn't want.

Sorry, rambled on a bit there, but suffice to say - I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

No email, although I don't ascribe to her all the sinister motives that the Standard Pack here does. She probably didn't know which was worse, to invite or not invite. (And guys, do we really need all the misogynistic digs? No, I don't think we do.)

No answer needed, just carry on.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Don't send an e-mail. You already said no. If you do anything else concerning her party she will know it has been on your mind and she will rejoice knowing she still has a hold on you.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

lamaga said:


> She probably didn't know which was worse, to invite or not invite.


I agree there is probably an element of that. Unfortunately, doesn't make the whole WAW thing any less bitter of a pill to swallow, or stop true feeling emerging. Wheel you out at a birthday party - "Look everybody, he's an awesome guy, great dad, provider etc.....but he's just not "Cool" enough to be a lover anymore.

It's very hard to get down, however you try to sugar coat it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'd ask a very pretty friend that your ex doesn't know and take her to the party :lol:

But that's catty and stupid.

Don't go and don't email her. Screw that chick.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> Wheel you out at a birthday party - "Look everybody, he's an awesome guy, great dad, provider etc.....but he's just not "Cool" enough to be a lover anymore.


Probably not that as much as "Look everybody, I didn't rip his heart out. I'm not that kind of heartless b!tch. See, he came out just fine."


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Mothra777 said:


> My story in short. 20th March my wife drops the 'love but not in love' bomb. We immediately go to MC but after 3 sessions it is clear she is done. We spend 2 months separated in the same house during which time I discover that she is flirting with other men on dating sites. I confront her about it being disrespectful and not on whilst we were in the same house. From that point on I go dark on her. She moves out on 18th May and I start picking up the pieces and trying to move on.
> 
> I thought I was doing a good job at going dark during the pick up and drop offs of our son which is several times a fortnight. But obviously not dark enough - tonight when she picked up our son, she invited me to her 40th like we were good friends. I said 'Sorry but it would be a little too awkward for me at the moment' ...keep in mind my son was in the room so I could not say 'why the f%$k would I want to attend that?'
> 
> ...


Sound like she's a cake eater. I don't blame you for not going. 

You said, "I said 'Sorry but it would be a little too awkward for me at the moment." All that's required, imho.

By the way, two weeks ago my ex told me she was researching how exes can be friends. My guess is that she wanted to see if I was up to vacation with her this summer (we always travelled so well together), which would fit her "all about me" and cake-eating personality.

No thanks.

Besides... a new woman has entered my life, and she found me.  This will be interesting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lamaga said:


> No email, although I don't ascribe to her all the sinister motives that the Standard Pack here does. She probably didn't know which was worse, to invite or not invite. (And guys, do we really need all the misogynistic digs? No, I don't think we do.)
> 
> No answer needed, just carry on.


Then cool it with the mysandrous digs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

@Worrieddad - minus the boob job my ex sounds almost identical to yours. Scary how similar WAW's can be...there are many examples on this forum.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I feel much more comfortable with my decision not to go, not sending her the email and not planning to wish her a happy birthday on the day. I mean, I don't expect or want her to celebrate my birthday so she should not expect the same.

@Canguy - glad to here there is a new lady in your life. There seems to be a lot of love in the air on this forum at the moment. It is reassuring to know that others are breaking through. It gives us still living in the fog of despair a lot of hope.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

If we ever lose hope -- we lose everything.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Mothra777 said:


> @Worrieddad - minus the boob job my ex sounds almost identical to yours. Scary how similar WAW's can be...there are many examples on this forum.


Yep, lots are similar...WAHs as well. The only positive thing I can take away from it is I now feel no guilt whatsoever for anything I do. Ive got the grief...she can take all the guilt (if she ever wakes up and realizes what might have been, and/or oneday sees the benefits of an intact family) . The thing that really gets me is in our situation, we talked it all over for months....total postmortem on everything either one of us should have done better, differently, etc. Turns out we were really both looking for the same things....more romance, etc....but she was still "Done". Difference is I wanted to look inward inside the marriage to find it...she had obviously long ago decided that she was going to look outward. History was conveniently forgotten / rewritten to see her decision through....and as far as I can tell, she has never even secondguessed herself once. Just makes me feel used and thrown away to be honest.....and you are supposed to be "friends "? Not sure I'll ever completely get over the fact my daughter will never now be brought up in an intact family, and l'll never have one again.

ETA: Heck, she's even told me to go find someone else, if that'll make me happy. What she seems to fail to realize is that even when I do, there will always be a part of me that will miss my old values of having an altogether family....I just can't compartmentalize like she can. Aaahh...I dunno, I guess time will tell if she's right or I am...maybe the friends thing is possible later but not now...who knows - but for right now the friendly thing is going to have to go bye bye I think.


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