# FWS changes iPhone passcode



## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Long story short: my FWS had an EA nearly three years ago. At least an EA, that's all I could get out of him. There were 2 DDays on my part, first by checking his email, then by checking his voicemail. We have a young child. Supposedly it has been no contact ever since, although as recently as a year ago I could tell from email notifications to his work email that the OW had called him late at night at least twice. When confronted he claimed they were just hang up calls. One time I placed a VAR for a couple of days only, but no evidence of anything. I realize I should place it for longer but have had a hard time bringing myself to do it.

I have access to his work email on his iPhone, which I check regularly in the evenings and early mornings. H is generally aware that I do this but we don't really discuss it. It has helped me feel more secure to check it and see nothing suspicious. I found out a few months ago from an internet search that the OW is pregnant by another guy (I found the baby registry), and she may be married for all I know, so not much chance my H has continued contact.

This morning I'm up early as usual getting my coffee before work, and I check his iPhone and the passcode has been changed. I tried four times and it didn't work. I went stone cold, icy cold. Later I'm waking up my son and my H can tell something is wrong with me. He asks what's wrong. I couldn't bring myself to ask him why he changed the passcode, or if he did it just as a regular security check, what the new one was. Especially not in front of my son. I have been down all day. H called me at work and sent me some emails about unrelated stuff. I still couldn't bring myself to say anything.

I am planning on mentioning something tonight, not in front of our son. Just a sanity check here, I am totally in the right for bringing this up, and/or for being hypersensitive about this, correct?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You are 100% justified in your concerns.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I wouldn't mention it right now. Play shiny, happy wife.

Meanwhile, dust that VAR off.

If he generally knew you were regularly checking the phone, then you weren't going to find anything. Now that the pass code has changed, that's a red flag that something could be found.

Not 100 percent, but a red flag nonetheless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

PS. Married, single, widowed, engaged, pregnant, newborn at home... Inconsequential 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I wouldn't mention it right now. Play shiny, happy wife.
> 
> Meanwhile, dust that VAR off.
> 
> ...


I considered this strategy. In part, subconsciously, I think that's why I didn't mention anything right away. I may do this. I find it hard to make sure that the VAR sticks onto the velcro, as a practical point. Many times I have attempted (in a limited time window) to place it securely before I drive off to work myself. And many times I feel like I can barely fit my hands under the seat, let alone force it up and onto the velcro strip that I have securely placed under the driver seat.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

DO NOT CONFRONT!

You need to leave it alone for a week maybe two. Back off. Give this man some room to screw up. If your goal is to find out if he is being stupid, give him some rope to hang himself.

You can wait, least for a little while. Be strong. 
After two or three weeks, confront him, ask for the password. He might just give it to you. If he doesn't immediately he will probably delete everything, then give it to you. You can still recover the texts if he deleted them with some software. Dr. Wondershare comes to mind.

My wife had an emotional affair. I confronted her immediately. She just got better at hiding it. 
Dont confront, let your husband think its ok to come up for air. He will make a mistake if he is in fact doing it still.


Forgot to add this. If your going to wait to see if he is in fact doing something of this nature. Maybe you should wait until you have the courage to enforce the boundaries you have made about the EA, to do what needs to be done to protect yourself. If there is no consequence he wont stop.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Would there be a legit reason -- perhaps through work -- why the passcode changed? I recently had a change I job where I needed to go from a 4 digit to an 8 digit passcode due to security reasons.

Can you discretely _*peek*_ over his shoulder and see if you can watch him unlock it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Would there be a legit reason -- perhaps through work -- why the passcode changed? I recently had a change I job where I needed to go from a 4 digit to an 8 digit passcode due to security reasons.
> 
> Can you discretely pee over his shoulder and see if you can watch him unlock it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No legit reason for his work that it would need to be changed. It's not a work iPhone but he accesses his work email on it. He would know if I was peering. He already suspects this is why I am upset now. So turning into a normal wife again will take some acting. I think I could do it though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Would there be a legit reason -- perhaps through work -- why the passcode changed? I recently had a change I job where I needed to go from a 4 digit to an 8 digit passcode due to security reasons.
> 
> Can you discretely pee over his shoulder and see if you can watch him unlock it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Really? Oh!:rofl:

Sorry! I'll try to be good, now.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

You can do it! Stay strong. Look for other signs. 

Change in passcode could also be a test to see if you are still checking up on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BIG RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get the var in his car and do not say anything


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Does he -- or did he -- work with OW?

How old is your son?

Also, what's the story behind your user ID?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would do the VAR thing. There are smaller VARs that you could buy - ones that look like thumb drives. Some people have just slipped these into a seat pocket in the car.

I wouldn't mention it now. So what if he knows something's up with you? Let him wonder while you do your research.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Does he -- or did he -- work with OW?
> 
> How old is your son?
> 
> Also, what's the story behind your user ID?


Thanks everyone for your support.

Gus, he does not work with the OW, although they are both lawyers and sometimes run into eachother. My son is almost 10. No story behind my userid, was just coming up with gibberish when inventing it.

I can completely see the advice not to confront. However, just to play devil's advocate for my H, I can see what may have led him to change the passcode.... He at one point worked closely with another woman lawyer, now a local judge. The judge never did anything that crossed a line, nor did my H with her, but I can tell the two of them were sometimes flirty. I have met the judge and her family. Now that they do not work together, my H periodically reaches out to her for a work-related lunch (seems to be about once per year at this point). Last year at this time, I read their emails planning for the lunch and waited for my H to bring it up. He never did, even on the day of. He watched me stew about it, and at the end of that day, we had a fight. He said he knew that I knew about the lunch because he knew that I read his emails. I would have preferred for him to just tell me he was meeting with her. Again, she never did anything wrong, but because of the flirtatious nature of their friendship I had my guard up. Not to mention the EA with another woman that happened two years prior at that point.

Anyway, shortly before he changed his passcode, he had reached out to the judge for their annual lunch. Not that this is the right thing to do, but I can see him deciding to just lock up his phone till the after the lunch, so we don't have to fight about it again. It would be better of course if he was just open about it with me.

All that said, I love my H despite my continued resentment over the EA. Part of me wants to let him know, simply, that I feel less insecure when I know for sure that he is not hiding anything from me. And that all communication is open to me. Just the knowledge that it is open to me is more important than actually reading his emails and/or texts. In the past we have had this discussion, but it has been quite some time. What I am worried about is his possible reply, something like "it has been THREE years, and you still insist on looking at my phone. In this kind of environment, we are never going to get past this incident." Would it sound outlandish if I just stated plainly that I will need to have access to his communications forever?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

If he has work email on it, and the work email requires it, they can force you to change your passcode every so often. I never had a code on my old phone, but when I put my work email on it, I had to add one. Then it made me change it every 3 months.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> If he has work email on it, and the work email requires it, they can force you to change your passcode every so often. I never had a code on my old phone, but when I put my work email on it, I had to add one. Then it made me change it every 3 months.


He doesn't have to change it for work, definitely not.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

totalfive21 said:


> He doesn't have to change it for work, definitely not.


No we don't have to change either but it's not a bad idea because of this.Get the HIPAA Guide
HIPAA 
You have to stay "compliant"
But back to your situation a VAR would be a very good idea considering his history.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

totalfive21 said:


> Thanks everyone for your support.
> 
> Gus, he does not work with the OW, although they are both lawyers and sometimes run into eachother. My son is almost 10. No story behind my userid, was just coming up with gibberish when inventing it.
> 
> ...


And a follow-on question to my most recent post in this thread... If he refuses to give me the passcode, is this reason enough for divorce? My gut feeling is yes. Or what if he gives it to me, but acts disgusted about it and not "owning" it. That would probably happen. 

I also forgot to mention that he has a gmail account that until recently I had the password to and used to check periodically. There was never any activity on there, on his part, for years. Then one day I checked it, and although there was still no activity from him, he had apparently set it up to send a notification to his work email if someone had accessed it. Then he told me later that day "I think (our son) accessed my gmail account from home, as I got a notice. I won't say anything to him though, he may feel bad." Later I saw on his work email a confirmation from gmail that he had changed that password too. 

So if I confront him about not having access to his iPhone, I guess I would also bring up the gmail.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

did he just upgrade to IOS9? it recommends changing the passcode to 6 digits instead of 4 now.


iOS 9 defaults to 6-digit passcode - Tech Insider


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not enough to go on. Yet.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> did he just upgrade to IOS9? it recommends changing the passcode to 6 digits instead of 4 now.
> 
> 
> iOS 9 defaults to 6-digit passcode - Tech Insider


Yes, he had changed to the 6 digit passcode several months ago and let me know at the time. Now he has changed it again.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm not sure why no one is addressing your question.

Yes, if you, after his affair, require transparency (access to phone and email) as a condition of reconciliation, and he refuses to allow same, that is a reasonable cause for divorce. 

Another way of looking at this is that, after he broke his vows, betrayed you, and shattered your trust, he should be willing to prove his trustworthiness (via transparency) forever. If he really loves you and is remorseful, this would/should be a non-issue. It's a tiny, inconsequential price to pay. 

That all said, if you can, I think you should go into stealth mode.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your husband is on to your snooping and is letting you know in passive ways that he is onto you.

That said even though there is likely hood that he is up to no good, you have blown your cover so your snooping is ineffective as he is on to you.

Drop the matter go quiet, and go stealth like.

Install a VAR in his car asap and act like you fully trust him.

Hopefully the VAR will unearth something and if you play it right he might just think you trust him and let his guard down allowing you to discreetly monitor him.

Just a hint for the future if he knows you are checking emails, phone etc than obviously you will find nothing there. Instead he will possibly buy a burner phone, create another email account you do not know about etc.

Im truly sorry you are going through this. If you unearth any incriminating evidence against him see a good lawyer and file


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

totalfive21 said:


> This morning I'm up early as usual getting my coffee before work, and I check his iPhone and the passcode has been changed. I tried four times and it didn't work. I went stone cold, icy cold. Later I'm waking up my son and my H can tell something is wrong with me. He asks what's wrong. I couldn't bring myself to ask him why he changed the passcode, or if he did it just as a regular security check, what the new one was. Especially not in front of my son. I have been down all day. H called me at work and sent me some emails about unrelated stuff. I still couldn't bring myself to say anything.


If he wants to change the passcode then you should change the locks. Maybe then he'll be willing to mention it from your driveway.


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> Your husband is on to your snooping and is letting you know in passive ways that he is onto you.
> 
> That said even though there is likely hood that he is up to no good, you have blown your cover so your snooping is ineffective as he is on to you.
> 
> ...


Great advice, just put a VAR in your house too where you think he will like to chat up OW or he may brag to friends. Take your son shopping, to sports etc when you think would be perfect timing for your husband to chat. Also, if your husband is a lawyer you should have enough funds to buy a GPS that gives you live location and historical locations if you don't want to sit at your PC all day. Charge lasts about two weeks, buy the magnetic case so you can just attach it to some hidden place easily. About $350 and $29 per month.

I know you feel better about snooping but he is a lawyer and unless he works for free knows how to hide evidence!!!! I know all the transparency requirements after an affair but you really aren't going to find a thing and it makes you look extremely insecure. Are you constantly sexting him, sending flirty emails and ripping his clothes off to go along with the snooping? Just checking on the state of the marriage? No sex + snooping + pass EA = husband to check up on.

Lastly, the pass code could be nothing. I prefer not to have a pass code just because it's easier to use my phone but from time to time I add one because my kids either grab my phone without permission or they get permission but all it takes is giving them the pass code one time and they remember it. Last time I changed the code because I missed out on a series of text msgs and calls because one of my kids was watching netflix when I thought my phone was on the charger where I could hear a call or text ring in. I didn't tell my wife I changed the code and at this moment for three weeks she doesn't know the code, but I've never cheated either.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

You have every right to be suspicious
If my h ever has a password on his phone again then we are done.
He's hiding something from you I'm sorry, and he's playing games with you, waiting for you to say something so he can have a go about your snooping.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

General rule of thumb in these situations (ie. something that has damaged trust in the relationship) is to always share passwords, even if the BS doesn't constantly check up on the WS. It goes a long way to redeveloping the trust that was lost in the first place, and it's really just common courtesy. My wife and I haven't had these issues, and we still know each others passwords.

Now, a password change does not necessarily mean he's up to something, but it obviously doesn't look good.

First, he's a lawyer, and having his wife have access to work emails is probably not kosher in that profession. I'm just guessing.

Second, he may not be up to anything at all, but he's become tired of his wife checking up on him and he's being passive-aggressive about it. Maybe in his eyes, it's been long enough that you've been doing that, with nothing to show, and he's just sick and tired of it.

Obviously there are better ways to go about doing that sort of thing (ie. sit down and tell you how he feels - enough is enough, this is my password, but please stop checking up on me, it's not necessary).

I'm not saying those scenarios are accurate, I'm just putting them out there. It IS him, after all, who put you in this predicament in the first place, where you, unfortunately, feel you have to snoop on him. I get it. But at the same time, if he is truly remorseful and said "never again" and meant it, he has to be allowed to gain his freedom at some point, right?


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## hospitality (Feb 24, 2014)

OP I would make this deal with yourself. "If I place a VAR, GPS etc and don't find anything I stop checking up on him for x period of time." Sort of a reward for doing the due diligence and reward to your husband for being innocent.


Years ago I butt dialed my wife. My single brother had hooked up with one of the hottest women we know and was giving me graphic sexual details and what she looked like naked. You can imagine what a guy married for 10+ years would say in response and YES my wife was pissed at my responses. But she did say at one point she just hung up because that was "guy talk between you and your brother." My point is that people have all kinds of conversations not meant for others to hear and when someone else hears them regardless of malice can be extremely damaging. Your husband may just want to carry on conversations with people and not have to worry about every conversation being something you will read. Regardless, I do understand that once trust is violated the rules change.

Lastly, if you do get a GPS don't be surprised when your husband stops off at all kinds of places he doesn't tell you about that are completely affair free stops. My wife would swing by to get waxed, shop, grab a quick drink and a million other things she wouldn't notify me about. I do the same kind of things too. I want a new motorcycle so I have been stopping off at motorcycle dealerships here and there without telling my wife because I really don't want to hear for the 1000+ time that a new motorcycle is the last thing I need. I also stop off and look at golf clubs, fishing gear or grab a beer here and there without letting her know too. Sometimes I just want a half hour to myself before rushing home to the kids/second shift. I've also lent my GPS to several friends and their wives had similar behaviors were they would make small pit stops they didn't exactly tell their husbands about that were completely platonic. However, I did let a friend use the GPS and the very first day his wife was busted so the GPS alone can work. Stay calm and don't let your mind your assume the worst every time your husband stops off at coffee shop you don't know about for a quick shot of espresso if you do place a GPS in his car.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

totalfive21 said:


> Thanks everyone for your support.
> 
> Gus, he does not work with the OW, although they are both lawyers and sometimes run into eachother. My son is almost 10. No story behind my userid, was just coming up with gibberish when inventing it.
> 
> ...


So, your husband, a known cheater, seems to think he is allowed to have flirtatious relationships with other women?

And uses a meal out with his f... flirt buddy, to set you up and upset you? :wtf: 

And then he changes his password? Is this chap for real?


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

When I was having suspicions about my wife, I was given this advice as I didn't have her phone passcode - 

Drain the battery on your phone. When you are both home, pick up his phone, tell him you need to make a call (take out food, your mother, whatever) and ask for his passcode.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Company policy forces a passcode change periodically.

The phone is also for my use only and not for review by anyone else due to the nature of my work. That's policy too.


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