# My wife is gaining weight



## aa334 (Feb 4, 2013)

Before I start, I want to say that I really love my wife and I am posting on here to see get some advice.

My wife has always been on the heavier side. We got married about a year ago and she had me convinced that after getting married we will support each other in keeping an active healthy life style and motivate each other to go to the gym and eat healthy.

That never happened after we got married. She always was stressed, did not feel well or had too much to go to the gym. Now she is pregnant with our first child. She has found this as an excuse for her gaining weight (she has but she was already about 50 pounds over weight). 

I love her to death but its come to a point, I am not attracted to her sexually. I hate saying this but I cannot help how I feel. Frequency in sex has gone down, I hardly initiate sex. Its been about ten days since we were intimate, I have no desire to be with her. I really feel like a douche bag. I cuddle with her, hug her, kiss her but I dont want more. She has started to note this too. 

I have tried to be politely mention that I know she is pregnant and cannot work out but she can still eat healthy and walk on the tread mill. And she goes but that becomes into an excuse to eat stuff like Angus Burger at McDonald's and that really ticks me. This becomes into a fight. I know she has cravings but a 1000 calorie milk shake is going to do her more harm than good. 

The other day she wanted to go to the gym, changed her mind, dropped me off and had a meal at McDonald's. I do not know how to approach this situation. She is pregnant and i love her and want her to have a great pregnancy but this is really causing problems. I do not know what to do...


Any advice would greatly be appreciated...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How far along is she in her pregnancy?


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## aa334 (Feb 4, 2013)

she is in her 5th month. I wanted to make sure I put that out there but the weight gain thing has been a problem before that.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think pregnancy is the time to make drastic changes.

I gained a lot of weight hen pregnant. So did my mum and sister (but lost most of it after, and are smaller people) I didn't overeat, I was sick the whole time, my Dr said some women just put on more because their bodies store more fat hen pregnant.

However it's not good that this was happening before preganancy.

I think you need to encourage her and ask her to exercise with you, encourage her to eat healthily, take over the shopping and cooking and make healthy filling foods. 

Also if she makes an effort, tell her how attractive she is when she does.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

aa334 said:


> she is in her 5th month. I wanted to make sure I put that out there but the weight gain thing has been a problem before that.


The weight thing was an issues before that, so you went into the marriage knowing she was already a little heavy. People gain weight sometimes, its life. Bottom line is, if its unacceptable to you, you have lost attraction, etc, then make a decision on which way YOU want your life to go. I see people on here say that they love their spouse BUT, well, if weight out weighs love then the weight will always be an issue.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> The weight thing was an issues before that, so you went into the marriage knowing she was already a little heavy. People gain weight sometimes, its life. Bottom line is, if its unacceptable to you, you have lost attraction, etc, then make a decision on which way YOU want your life to go. I see people on here say that they love their spouse BUT, well, if weight out weighs love then the weight will always be an issue.


disregard any attempts to make you feel guilty about your feelings OP. My husband and I have had this discussion and agreed that we both would not be physically attracted to the other one if they put on a lot of weight. The love would still be there, but the physical attraction part would be difficult.


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## Nunya Biznas (Jan 23, 2013)

Tricky. It's a tricky situation you that you are in my friend. And I'm sorry to say that there is no easy answer. If you don't do or say anything, chances are that your wife will continue to gain the weight like she has been doing. If you actually say or do something, chances are that her weight gain will accelerate in response(I suspect you've been experiencing this). 

You are probably already thinking that this is not an issue that you would feel comfortable to simple let go. And I'd have to agree with you on that because this is one of those issues that could eventually destroy your marriage. Like sex, kids, finances, abuse, religion, or infidelity...health/lack-thereof, can often be a deal breaker in a relationship. Don't you dare mention anything of the sort to your wife though! That, dear boy, would be a very stupid thing to do! 

So...what can you do about it? Well let me start by telling you what you can't do about it. You can't pressure, coax, cajole or even encourage a woman to lose weight. At least not reliably, in a long term way that will be healthy for your marriage. Some people will tell you to lead by example, or make it rewarding for her, or make it less about the weight loss and more about spending time together as a couple. But in my opinion, if she knows that what you are doing or suggesting has anything to do with her weight, if she even suspects the possibility, it's going to be counterproductive. 

Honestly there's nothing you can do about her weight at all. Which leads us back to the question...what *can* you do? The only thing you can really do about this is to help her to want to lose the weight herself. But you're not going to accomplish that by addressing her weight in any way. Addressing her weight is going to make her feel bad, and you might as well just shove a burger in her mouth! 

The only way...the *only* way to help her to want to lose the weight is to make her feel good about herself. Now, I realize that this can be difficult to do because by the time you want your wife to lose weight it's because you don't feel all that great about her anymore. Perhaps it's not just her weight...perhaps she has also gotten lazy or slovenly or less sexual. A man who finds his wife less attractive doesn't want to tell her how beautiful she is. A man who's wife does nothing but sit on the couch watching tv doesn't want to tell her how much he enjoys the time they spend together. Not even because it's not truthful but more because he doesn't want to give her the impression that he approves or accepts these qualities. He believes that if he tells her how attractive she is, she won't feel the need to lose the weight. So instead of telling her how beautiful she is, he tells her they should go to the gym together and she walks to the kitchen and puts some chicken wings in the oven. 

Listen, chances are that if a woman(or man) is emotionally healthy and psychologically healthy that her physical health will reflect that. If, on the other hand, she is feeling sad, threatened, ashamed, annoyed, worried, rejected, angry...well, you get the idea...she could gain weight as a result. The weight gain could happen for any number of reasons. She's simply given up on herself. She's creating a literal barrier between herself and those she's afraid will hurt her. Eating also releases feel-good chemicals in the brain to balance the negative feelings. 

It's important to note that pregnancy can be a particularly volatile time in a woman's life when many uncomfortable feelings can arise. Self consciousness over the changes in their bodies. Fear about how children will change their marriage and their lives. Insecurity about whether their husbands will still find them attractive. Anxiety over whether or not they will be a good mother. Shame over having all of these feeling when everyone tells them this should be the happiest time of their lives. This can lead many women to gain extra weight during pregnancy. And after pregnancy they are dealing with stretch marks and loose skin and sagging boobs and those fifty extra pounds and...this is why pregnancy can often be the beginning of a vicious cycle in many women's lives. They feel bad so they take less care which causes them to feel worse so they take even less care, etc.

My best advice to you would be to just let it go for a while. Let it go and just try to enjoy your wife. Once you're sure that the smoke of dissatisfaction/disapproval has cleared the air, begin a focused campaign to make this woman feel wonderful about herself. Show her affection and help her to feel appreciated and secure. This in itself may bring about the changes you are hoping for. She knows she's overweight and she wants to be healthier and now that she feels happy and hopeful she very well might start work on that herself. Give this plenty of time...it's not likely to happen overnight.

But remember that bad habits are often hard to break. If she doesn't initiate physical changes in herself by this time you can begin to follow some of that other advice. Lead by example. Start doing the groceries and the cooking and try to eat healthier. Go to the gym or for a jog when she can see you keeping in shape. Make it rewarding for her to follow in your footsteps. Offer her a massage after every workout. Offer to make all the meals as long as you can make them as healthy as you want to. Make it less about weight loss and more about just being with your wife. Ask her to go for an evening walk or take her for a fun night of bowling. Take a health food cooking class together. 

The thing is that you can follow all these suggestions now that she is feeling secure and loved. If you try them while she's still in her funk you better make sure you have plenty of chips in the cupboard or you may end up with a black eye. And no matter how happy or content she may seem you have to trust me that she is in a funk or you wouldn't be in the situation you are in now.

One last thing. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you should be able to fix all of your wifes problems no matter what. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, there's a limit to what you can do. You can't fix her work problems or her mother issues or her childhood traumas. What you can do is be supportive and encouraging. Did I mention that this is a tricky situation you are in?

Good luck!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

livnlearn said:


> disregard any attempts to make you feel guilty about your feelings OP. My husband and I have had this discussion and agreed that we both would not be physically attracted to the other one if they put on a lot of weight. The love would still be there, but the physical attraction part would be difficult.


Bottom line, if he has tried to encourage her, helped her, etc, and she chooses to not lose weight etc, then yes he will need to decide what he will and will not live with. If it is not acceptable that she has put on weight and wont do anything about it, then yes he will need to decide at some point.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Well since you entered into a marriage with her already being some what over weight my guess is, you hoped that would change. Thats not always likely to happen when people enter into a marriage "hoping" something will change about their spouse. 

However, you are where you are now, and you will need to see what can be done. Does she appear to be depressed? Or maybe shes an emotional eater? Has anything tragic happened in her life and this is how shes choosing to deal with it? 

Do you go to the gym? Or are you physically fit? If so, have you suggested she go with you to do a work out? Maybe for a walk in the evenings? Maybe replace a few things in the pantry with healthier type foods? I'm sure she needs some motivation, but with being pregnant right now, that is going to add some weight. You could try a few things here and there to see if shes willing to give it a try. After the baby comes, also be encouraging, to see if shes willing to help get some weight off. If not, and at some point down the road you feel you've tried everything, then as someone else mentioned you will need to decide what is best for you. Some things are deal breakers and you will need to decide if that is one of them.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

The first thing I would do is go with her to her next obstetrician visit and voice your concern about her weight gain based on your concern for both her health and for the health of the baby. She is playing with fire to be 50 lb. overweight, get pregnant and then gain more weight. The OB may have mentioned the weight gain, but your wife may not have taken it to heart. She needs to understand she may experience several devastating complications to the pregnancy due to her eating habits. This is not about your attraction to her. It is about her being healthy enough to successfully carry and deliver a full term, healthy baby. The OB needs to read her the riot act.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

I wouldn't say a word about weight while she is preggers. Just have a serious talk about her eating habits while she is growing your baby. Very firm and direct - say you do not want her eating anymore fast food ever while pregnant. Tell her it is very important to you that she makes more of an effort to feed the baby only healthy food. She will respect you more and feel horrible about the thought of eating Mickey D's.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If my husband told me "no fast food/any kind of food EVER" while I was pregnant, he'd have gotten a swift kick in the nuts.

The baby will get vitamins no matter what.

I gained 50 pounds with each baby. Omg. The first I didn't eat right, didn't work out, nada. 50 pounds. 

The 2nd, I worked out (mama yoga and stuff), walked, ate right, was working full time....gained 50 pounds.

I am about 10 pounds heavier than when I met my husband...but wtfevver. You men try growing a human and see how your body handles it.

As far as her gaining weight IN GENERAL, have a serious talk in about a year. No joke. The time is not now.. The time is not after the baby as she will be a new mommy with hormones and stresses. In a year. Talk. Be honest.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Let the pregnancy pass first then lead by example. You get on a healthy diet and begin moderate exercise, see if you can coerce her into the deal that way.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> If my husband told me "no fast food/any kind of food EVER" while I was pregnant, he'd have gotten a swift kick in the nuts.
> 
> The baby will get vitamins no matter what.
> 
> ...


I've had four babies. Ive put on 40 lbs while pregnant (my own fault). I can tell you from experience the one pregnancy I did not eat right--that child suffered and is not the same as the other three. If you are into yoga I am shocked that you do not know that it is harmful to mother and baby to eat greasy McDonalds hamburgers and french fries. 

All I can say is I am so thankful that pregnancy life is over and I am a size 0 cause eating that stuff and being fat is a miserable way to live.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm wondering if the pregnanacy isn't an in to discuss nutrition. After all the baby is yours too. 

I wouldn't go at it so much from the angle to trying to lose weight but from the angle of trying to nourish the child. She should be stuffing her face with nutritious food rather than high calorie, high fat practically zero nutrition food.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sunshine1234 said:


> I've had four babies. Ive put on 40 lbs while pregnant (my own fault). I can tell you from experience the one pregnancy I did not eat right--that child suffered and is not the same as the other three. If you are into yoga I am shocked that you do not know that it is harmful to mother and baby to eat greasy McDonalds hamburgers and french fries.
> 
> All I can say is I am so thankful that pregnancy life is over and I am a size 0 cause eating that stuff and being fat is a miserable way to live.


I didn't say to eat McD's every day  But moderation is key. But I don't eat fast food so what do I know.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I gained 100 pounds per pregnancy(3 times). The last 2 pregnancies I was very active, but still gained the weight. I could NOT control my eating. It was literally impossible! The weight did not ever fall off after delivering. I had to work at it. My first baby took a year to lose the weight. The other two much quicker since I was a runner by then.

There's not much you can do during the pregnancy, but once nursing is finished, then dieting and exercising will help tremendously. However, she's going to want to do it for herself. Also, if your overweight yourself there is nothing much you can say about your wife's weight without being a hypocrite.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

Sunshine1234 said:


> I am a size 0 cause eating that stuff and being fat is a miserable way to live.


Different strokes for different folks. Carrying a little extra weight does not make a difference to my every day life, constantly denying myself small pleasures and having to drop other hobbies for exercise would. Maybe it works for you but moderation is always going to be my preference.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> but wtfevver. You men try growing a human and see how your body handles it.


 :iagree:


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> The weight thing was an issues before that, so you went into the marriage knowing she was already a little heavy. People gain weight sometimes, its life. Bottom line is, if its unacceptable to you, you have lost attraction, etc, then make a decision on which way YOU want your life to go. I see people on here say that they love their spouse BUT, well, if weight out weighs love then the weight will always be an issue.


the problem with responses like yours is that, you keep equating sexual attraction with love. Not only are those two not equal, they don't automatically co-exist. you looked at it one way to support her position, but I'll make your argument true and ask this, why cant her love for him out way the angus burger at McDonalds? Love can out weigh weight gain, its the needs that he has that it doesn't out weigh. Many people who are currently divorce love each other still, but due to lack of providing a need divorce happened.


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## V10Viper (Jan 26, 2013)

I feel for you buddy. it's tough to love some one and not be able to sexually express it. I hope and pray things change for you because I'll promise you one thing, if it doesn't, your love for her will eventually phase out and other thoughts and decisions will replace it. one of the advices that I've received is being honest with her. Being pregnant will be tough, but 4 more months of this will only make you more irritated as she begin to depend on you for marital support through the late stages of her pregnancy. I pray everyday that my spouse stumble onto this site and forum and see threads like this--maybe a third party messenger will snap her into a real life change. Good luck buddy.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

mildlyperplexed said:


> Different strokes for different folks. Carrying a little extra weight does not make a difference to my every day life, constantly denying myself small pleasures and having to drop other hobbies for exercise would. Maybe it works for you but moderation is always going to be my preference.


Sounds like we agree then because if you're moderate you're not fat. Being active is a hobby for life.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

Sunshine1234 said:


> Sounds like we agree then because if you're moderate you're not fat. Being active is a hobby for life.


If you're an organic only size 0 then my guess is that you would label many moderation folks fat. Also, I know plenty of size 0s that eat mcDonalds. None of this is really germane to the OP though.

I'd agree with having a talk after pregnancy. My wife never lost the baby weight and continued to gain more after and I can say that, exacerbated by some other issues, it has become a pretty big problem for me.

For some people it is exactly as V10 described... You WANT to have love and attraction not be separate, but they just are for you. As "the shallow" one it makes you feel like a real douche and as the one who let go I am sure you feel horribly betrayed. The best way to fix it is to not let it happen.

Relationships need to be based on some really core things that no one realizes until it is too late... Things like being able to have *love* drive attraction (or mutually not), level of sex drive (high or low mutually), the way you communicate... Nothing is more important than these things and most folks have no clue where they stand on these issues going in (since most folks are in "look my best", "sound my best", "hump like bunnies" mode initially)


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

aa334 said:


> Before I start, I want to say that I really love my wife and I am posting on here to see get some advice.
> 
> My wife has always been on the heavier side. We got married about a year ago and she had me convinced that after getting married we will support each other in keeping an active healthy life style and motivate each other to go to the gym and eat healthy.
> 
> ...


this is difficult.
i mean, if she never really into fastfood before the pregnancy, then the junk food eating is just craving. it will be gone after the pregnancy.
she should've known that junk food is bad for her, and her baby. so you MUST tell her that by eating those, she sabotages your baby. 
fill your fridge with healthy foods eat the healthy food with her so perhaps she'll feel less jealous, ask and accompany her for a walk.if you have dog, walk with the dog. yes you need to be actively involved, not just telling her this and that. good luck


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Are you sure you are not just anxious about a new baby coming?

Did you vows say til death do us part or if you gain 20 plus pounds?


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## mhg (Dec 5, 2012)

Sunshine1234 said:


> Sounds like we agree then because if you're moderate you're not fat. Being active is a hobby for life.


Jeez I'd love you to meet my wife then.

She's a big girl. Runs around from morning till night after 11 kids, runs a property, doesn't eat rubbish, walks on a treadmill for an hour each day when the kids are having a nap, doesn't drink, etc etc.

Being active doesn't automatically mean you're going to be skinny. Just like being larger doesn't automatically mean you're unhealthy.


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## Eros Turannos (Feb 4, 2013)

My first pregnancy my husband let me indulge any and every craving I had. 

BAD IDEA.

Women need to be healthy during pregnancy, for every legitimate craving for something crappy there is a healthy alternative that can satisfy it. (Angus Burger = Protein)

I gained 50lbs with my first, which I lost BFing, but gain back when I stopped nursing and kept eating the same way out of habit. Now, after having 4 kids I was about 50lbs heavier no matter what I tried. 

I'm finally limiting my caloric intake and exercising on a regular basis and the weight is coming off rather well, but it should have never gotten so bad. 

It's nice that you want to be kind and let her indulge, but it's not good for her or the baby.


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## mr. nice guy (Feb 8, 2014)

OP, there are a lot of people on here that just want to criticize anyone with different beliefs. Disregard their negative and unhelpful comments. I found myself in the same situation as you, here recently--almost identical. I will tell you what I did/am doing. You will see what worked and what didn't work. If you like any of it, maybe you could try it. If not, oh well, maybe it will help someone else.

When my wife was pregnant, I did not mention her weight because the stress would be worse on the baby than McDonald's. I would surf the internet on pregnancy while she was with me and read stuff out loud to her. After a while, I came across a Dr. and his words on proper diet for pregnant women. He said fast food is bad, healthy food is good, and you should be eating only 500 additional calories a day, not double. I could tell that produced a lot of thought inside her brain. I encouraged her to read articles on healthy pregnancies. She came across mayoclinic on her own and saw that the recommended weight gain is 25 to 35 pounds for someone in the normal weight range. She was already overweight so 15 to 25 pounds.

By the time she had the baby, she was eating healthier and excited about losing weight. At this point, she is 50 pounds overweight. I am sure you know that it is not healthy for pregnant women to try to lose weight. She was self conscious about her weight so she did not want my help, or to even talk about it. I let her try it on her own for a while, she lost 10 pounds in about 6 months. After that, she stopped losing weight.

We would talk about it every once in a while. I always tried to be as tactful as I could be because I know how sensitive she is about it. I cuddled with her while we talked because it made it easier on both of us. She would get upset and get defensive but it was healthy to be honest and open with each other. Longevity of marriage depends on openness and the ability to overcome obstacles together. She would try to eat better and exercise but it would never last for long and any weight that was lost would come right back. 9 months later and still at the same weight.

That is when I started eating healthier and working out a little. About 10 days in, she asked about the lifestyle change--she, like many other women would, assumed that this was my passive way to get her to lose weight.
Me: I want to be healthy and I want to look good for you. You deserve a sexy husband. 
Wife: Are you saying that you think I don't look good?
Me: No, you are beautiful and I want to be with only you for the rest of my life. I just think you deserve someone sexy.
Wife: You are sexy just the way you are. I will always think you're sexy no matter what.
Me: Thank you  But I want to look the best I can possibly look for you and I would look better if I turned my fat into muscle. Plus you deserve a healthy husband who will live as long as you do.
Wife: You're sweet.

A couple days later...
wife: I feel bad because you are getting all hot and I am all flabby.
Me: Don't feel bad, I will always love you, no matter what, even if you blow up like a blimp.
Wife: So you DO think I am flabby?
Me: I wouldn't use the word flabby, but if by flabby you mean you have some extra fat on you, then yeah.
Wife: So you think I am fat?
Me: I think you have some extra fat on you.
Wife: So you DO think I am fat?
Me: I think YOU think you are fat, but you are trying to make me say it.
Wife: You're an *******.
Me: (calmly) That is not nice of you to say. I was just trying to answer your questions honestly. I was as polite as I could possibly be and you still got upset with me. I won't lie to you because I love you and that would be wrong. I am going to go hang out in my shop now because you are being mean. If you feel like you can be nicer and refrain from calling me names, I would like to spend some time with you.
Then I went to my shop. It went better than I thought it would have.

This was about 3 months ago. Since then, she gradually started eating healthier. She even gradually started doing a couple minutes of exercise here and there. She has lost another 7 pounds. Less than a pound a week does not sound like much but it is great considering it is consistent.  I am confident that we will both continue getting better looking for each other and continue to have better sex!

IN short, to get your wife to lose weight, you need to:

*Start living a healthier lifestyle yourself.* (She will want to do the same.)
*[*]Constantly assure her that you love her and only her and you will no matter what. *
*[*]Make love to her often, even if you don't want to. Think of it as a workout session with a happy ending.* (I left that part out of the story on purpose)
*[*]Be honest about your thoughts and feelings but do not push her before she is ready.* (Let her build up enough motivation because it will be tough at first. Otherwise she will resent you.)
*[*]When she IS ready, offer little to no criticism, and give her gentle encouragement and lots of praise.*


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree with Mr. Nice, this is the time she needs to be very careful with what she eats. She has a baby growing in her, McDonald's is not just fat, it's toxic. She may also if she is not already, be suffering of gestational diabetes. If she is not serious about her health now, when will she?
Address your concerns with her doctor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

Each person's metabolism is different, and not all people can lose weight easily. It can be very difficult to find that one little keyhole of protein-carb-fat ratios, and etc, to get the body to start burning. I speak from experience. I am very active, I lift, I cycle (both HIIT on a trainer and outdoors) and I eat much better than most Americans. Despite all of that, I have a very very hard time shedding weight. Ideally I'd drop about 20-25 pounds. I don't want to lose the hard-earned muscle-mass, though. Have tried LeanGains, Paleo, Intermittent Fasting, Ketogenic..........and guess what happens.........nothing. My body stays where it is. I don't understand it, and it certainly is vexing.

Which is all to say, simply 'losing weight' can be very very difficult for certain people, and will have nothing to do with their work ethic or desire to do so. I have even had full blood and chem panel to see if I had some issue with Thyroid and all of that, but everything came back normal. In fact, my BP and cholesterol levels are well within the healthy range. 

I understand your frustration, though. My wife has told me that my weight is a problem, but she didn't do it in the nicest way. In fact some of the things she said were basically cruel. I worked hard to fit the mold of what I suppose she likes (thin runner-type), but it's never going to happen any more than Marshawn Lynch could end up looking like a Kenyan marathoner. She assumed I didn't care or didn't have the requisite drive to become what she wanted me to become. And with the drop of sexual attraction and other various unrelated criticisms, has gone communication, affection, intamacy.........what a mess. 

And perhaps ironically, I find her hollowed out cheeks, pencil thin arms, and lack of a butt rather unappealing. I guess everyone has their own likes and dislikes and levels of what is acceptable.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

old thread alert


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My wifee was also a heavier woman and until 3+ months ago, she was at her heaviest. She finally took my advice and found out how many calories per day she needed to lose weight and now she eats accordingly. She's lost 30 lbs in 3 months at last count. No gym yet either. Make sure to eat the same healthy foods and together if possible. No junk food, pops, sugar drinks, in the house. If she isn't eating clean, healthy and even organic foods at this point in her life, she might never do so. As yummy as fast food tastes, it puts on the weight fast for a lot of people with slower metabolisms. I am the type of guy who can eat 6 bacon and egg mcmuffins in a 6 hour window and gain nothing.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

aa334 said:


> I love her to death but its come to a point, I am not attracted to her sexually. I hate saying this but I cannot help how I feel. Frequency in sex has gone down, I hardly initiate sex. Its been about ten days since we were intimate, I have no desire to be with her. I really feel like a douche bag. I cuddle with her, hug her, kiss her but I dont want more. She has started to note this too.
> 
> Any advice would greatly be appreciated...


I have been through this myself. I think this is a natural progression even when your spouse is in a much better condition. We get bored. 

This happens to many people even when their spouse isn't obese. I don't know what's the solution. I don't think there's any cure.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I would be more concerned about diabetes melitus, hypertension / preeclampsia, a not so fun delivery, and dealing with an infant and extra weight rather than physical attraction.

If her ObGyn is not having fits over the weight he/she should, and if he/she does a chat with her is needed...


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

john117 said:


> I would be more concerned about diabetes melitus, hypertension / preeclampsia, a not so fun delivery, and dealing with an infant and extra weight rather than physical attraction.
> 
> If her ObGyn is not having fits over the weight he/she should, and if he/she does a chat with her is needed...


You must be...someone from educated and upper middle class..aware of nutrition / health link.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Or have an ObGyn the size of a linebacker.

We learn the hard way. My wife had the benefit (not) of having her mom around for much of her first pregnancy. Let's just say Pizza Hut lost money on us on the $5 all you can eat buffet. But she was diagnosed with diabetes melitus and her quick gain was quickly halted and diabetes controlled with diet. (35 lb to 7th month, no gain after, careful monitoring)

Much better nutrition habits the second time around helped, a lot less weight gain (30 lb total, no issues.

Note: Pizza Hut back then (early 1990's) actually had decent pizza...


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## Rugby (Dec 21, 2013)

Your problem appears to have two parts. One is the sex issue and the other is the health of your wife and unborn child. I agree with most of the others that the sex issue is one better addressed in a year or so. Pregnancy is a difficult time during which so much is changing. Just let that one lie. The health issue, on the other hand, is a separate issue. There is voluminous research showing the connection between a mother's health during pregnancy and the health of the child once delivered. I feel, and my wife feels even stronger than I do, that pregnant women have a moral obligation to care for themselves before getting pregnant, during pregnancy, and post delivery as well or better than at any point in their lives. Do some research on children who are picky eaters and you will find that there is an irrefutable link between a child's pallet and what the mother ate while the child was inutero. Additionally, do some research concerning epigenetics, which is the science dealing with gene expression. The decisions our grandparents and parents make nutritionally, physically, emotionally, and intellectually play a strong role in the degree to which certain genes are expressed. By excercising, eating right, maintaining a happy, emotionally balanced life, etc. you benefit your progeny by ensuring greater expression of "good" genes. The opoosite is true if you make poor choices. Interestingly enough, epigenetic changes, which ultimately determine the physical manifestation of your genes (known as phenotype) are also determined by how a father chooses to live his life. Positive epigenetic changes are heritable from mother and father. So, the issue of hour wife's diet should be addressed now in a manner that is sensitive to her condition and the realities of being pregnant. That said, her choice avoid assuming responsibility for her health or the choice to use pregnancy as an excuse to disregard her health is a selfish one. My wife and sister delivered their first children three weeks apart. My wife is a beackon of health and cared for her health and diet during pregnancy. My sister took the opposit approach. My daughter is healthy, eats everything, and is ahead in terms of speech and learning by about a year. My niece, conversely, is a picky eater, has no attention span, and is always sick. Like said, do the research for yourself. Don't take my word for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Seriously? You're going to be responsible for the life of a new human being in a few months and you're on here talking about your wife's weight gain during pregnancy? My D-Bag alarm is going off big time!!! And for those telling him to move on from her if she won't change, say what?????

You need to separate her previous weight from where she is now. Pregnancy fundamentally changes a woman's body. Muscles, skin and hormones are affected. She will have strange hunger pangs and cravings. She could develop high blood pressure or gestational diabetes, etc. Even after the baby is born, she will still have hormonal changes, lactation issues and sleep deprivation. Give her time to heal. All you had to do in this process was ejaculate!

After she is recovered, if you want her to go exercise, you will need to take the baby and watch it so she has the time to go. If you want her to eat something specific, take over some cooking duties! You can't just sit there and judge without offering solutions.

But at this point, you need to put aside these things for now. Bring it up at the Dr. visits if you're concerned about nutrition. But there is so much more at stake at the moment than her physical attractiveness!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Aa334...I know you are disappointed that she has gained weight and is not watching her weight now that she is pregnant. I would like to just caution you, to be careful how much you push the weight issue right now. I have an Aunt who got upset during a pregnancy because my Uncle said she was unattractive due to her weight....she started dieting while pregnant and ended up causing permanent damage to her unborn child ...my cousin was born developmentally challenged and she had physical challenges due to lack of nutrition during the pregnancy. Once the baby is born would be a better time to address this. You could remind her the more she gains the more she will have to lose once the baby gets here instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

aa334 said:


> Before I start, I want to say that I really love my wife and I am posting on here to see get some advice.
> 
> My wife has always been on the heavier side. We got married about a year ago and she had me convinced that after getting married we will support each other in keeping an active healthy life style and motivate each other to go to the gym and eat healthy.
> 
> ...


There's a really good book called "his needs/her needs". This is addressed in an objective way in one of the early chapters.

It's an important concept that love and attraction aren't always in sync. You could bring up this subject in so many wrong ways; hurtful ways. I'd read that book and ask her to read it too. It's really good for many reasons not related to that topic as well.


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