# Torn up



## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

13 year marriage, together for almost 14. We both tried early on together to make things work and it was fine. We loved eachother. Gradually over the years we drifted a little further and further apart. We both felt that the other did not fully show eachother the love needed to keep things going. We drifter apart sexually and emotinally a little here and a little there. 

We have both brought up that things need to get better or we could not stay married. Things would get better for a while and gradually fall into the same pattern. Finally last month, I mentioned that I was unhappy and that I knew she was too. It was like we were going thru the motions. I mentioned that maybe we should think about divorce. I didn't really want it and I said I was not ready for divorce but things need to change. I used the D word to try and convey how serious I thought things were.

A few days later we talked again. I told her I still love her and she said she cared for me. I said what does that mean? You don't love me anymore? A few days later and we talked again. She said that she had been asking herself that question since it came up and that she did not know. That did hurt me and when she saw that she tried to console me and say she did. If she does not love me then that would explain a lot of the problems we've had. She did say she loved me the next day and I said don't say it if you don't mean it. She said she meant it.

well a couple of weeks went by(she said she was not ready for divorce either) and she stopped saying I love you again. I notice. Tuesday I talked to her from work and I said I wasn't sure if she even wanted to talk to me. She asked why and I said because you've hardly spoken to me. Well we needed to talk and she wanted to wait til the weekend. I said no, lets get this over with tomorrow. I work nights so when I woke up on Wed she was not home. Over two hours later she shows up and gives me a letter that she has written.

It read like she was done with me. She then talked to me and said she waned to do a separation. She takes some things and leaves. I go to work and call all night long. I was miserable. Called the next day but she never responds to me. Turns out that she withdrew $2000 from our joint savings account before she even came to see me that day. Finallt I text her and all she says is"Its over. Im sorry. I do not want to talk anymore. Please stop calling me." (She also took our son by the way.)

I said I thought it was just a seperation to see how things go and she said I'm sorry i cant do this anymore." She then says that she took the money to take care of our son.(The lawyer I talked to said "Attorney's fees" when I told him". She said she hadn't talked to a lawyer as of wed when she left me.

I have pleaded with her to come back but to no avail. I went to her familie's house to see the grandkids to show that I was interested in improving from my end(she said I didn't show enough interest in them and she's right.) I asked her daughter if I could see her. She said okay. When I walked into where she was staying, she turned her head to look at me and a beautiful smile came across her face like we were still happily married. We hugged and I pleaded with her to try just one more time. She said no.

It's been a long miserable three days. But it's even worse because she won't talk to me. There are issues that we have to be able to talk about whether we get back together or not. 

We both made mistakes in this marriage. It's not all her fault or mine. I pretty much begged her to try for us, and for our son one more time. I am hurting and would take her back but I feel so hurt and afraid that I will be hurt even worse if I do not take steps to protect my interests either.

She's hurting and miserable too but she seems to be convinced that it's worth it. This is the worse thing that I've dealt with other than my mom's death a couple of years ago.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

Hey TheMizz...erable

Your story sounds so much like mine ,my "ex" moved out exactly 2 weeks ago while I was at work , she took our son with her , when I got home from work that day I was shocked , all she left for me was a short note that she took half of our possesions and if I wanted to see our son all I had to do was to call her and really thats what I care about the most as my son is my life.
The first week was very hard , trying to put everything together in my head , I felt like a last looser on earth , I felt like all my neighbours were looking at me and laughing , I didnt know how to react to the situation . After about a week or little more I am starting to open my eyes , I am starting to see whats ahead of me , I made some plans to clean the house ,do a little TLC and getting it ready for sale , on my days off work me and my boy go biking and fishing which helps me a lot mentally and phisically and watching my boy being so happy outdoors just makes my day everytime  

Last Monday I texted her asking to see my son and she wouldnt reply for 2hrs , I know that she carries her cell all the time , she was simply trying to hurt me by not letting me see my son.
The same night I read the "180degrees"...

Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

... what a fantastic approach !!! Its not easy to follow but Iam trying and let me tell you that it makes me feel so much better about myself , it sort of opened my eyes that I can and will survive no matter how nasty she gets because our relationship ended the minute she left my home ,it is OVER !!! 

I have my game face on, 180 degrees in my back pocket so she better watch out .

"17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse"

and this is what I have been going by since last Monday .

I hope that my post will make you feel a little better, that you are not alone and we all here understand what you are going through as we are all in the same boat . 
Keep strong my friend !


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. The thing is, I believe the marriage was fixable. Things haven't always been bad. Maybe a bit more over the last 2 or so years but still...

I brought up marriage counseling and she said she would think about it when she said she was leaving. Next day text and the answer was no. She says we are who we are and will not change. She does not want to try. Nothing I can do. The thing is, she has had some other issues thay have bothered her a lot recently. Her dad's decling health and he lives far away. Daughter and grand kids getting ready to move to the same state that her dad's in. And that is where she wants to go. To be with her family and there was no real discussion on possibly moving together. 

Anyway, as far as the 180 degree list, I broke many of those rules the first day and night she left. I was hurt and it showed. But I have read and will try to keep these things in mind. It's only day 3 but I have started to realise it is (likely)over and time to move on. I know when I am at work next week, she and her family will come in and start moving her stuff out. I just hope she doesn't take all the personal pictures that we have. Those should be shared of course. Someone told me I should make it so that they cannot get in, such as changing locks and making sure doors cannot be opened. I don't want to be that way but I also don't want to be screwed even more.

And since she took out that money, I have closed out our accounts and taken the rest. I have called and texted and asked her to talk to me so that we can discuss stuff. I cannot tell her if she won't speak to me. I guess she'll find out when she goes to use her debit card.


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## 6foot5 (Jun 15, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> Thanks for the replies. The thing is, I believe the marriage was fixable. Things haven't always been bad. Maybe a bit more over the last 2 or so years but still...
> 
> I brought up marriage counseling and she said she would think about it when she said she was leaving. Next day text and the answer was no. She says we are who we are and will not change. She does not want to try. Nothing I can do. The thing is, she has had some other issues thay have bothered her a lot recently. Her dad's decling health and he lives far away. Daughter and grand kids getting ready to move to the same state that her dad's in. And that is where she wants to go. To be with her family and there was no real discussion on possibly moving together.
> 
> ...


Dont worry about the rules that you have broken in the first night , I think its normal , stress , confusion , lonliness this things sometimes make you react without thinking .
Also do not think that she will not take those pictures or anything else because she will , she will take whatever she chooses to , if you are there right now take what you can and what has the most value to you because otherwise it will go like this :
"First come ,first serve " trust me .
About changing locks , where Iam ,I can not change the locks even though its my house ,it is in my name , she has the right to enter my home whenever she wants (for the time being ) until separation agreement is signed . If the home was bought prior to marriage by one of you then its different story ,but if it was bought during marriage then both of you have 50/50 rights to be in that home , get a lawyer or find out what are the laws where you live . Do not wait to long before you get legal advice , do it asap that way you will know your rights before she takes any action .
How do I know all this ? I hired a lawyer , I spent considerable amount of time resarching internet , I learned the hard way 2 weeks ago , also this forum helps a lot .
Good luck


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I felt a little better last night and got 3 or so hours of sleep. Best I've had since she left. But I woke up this morning and I am so depressed. I am torn up, crying, hurting, etc.

I am trying to stay busy by moving furniture around and cleaning out the garage. But I have also found old cards, notes, etc that we sent eachother in the past and it's filled with the mushy stuff that we used to do. We did love eachother. I wish I could go back a week or so and try to work on this before she left.

I have no friends to talk to and not much family on my side. I alone and in agony.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I don't know if someone told her about the no contact rule or what but it is not something that should be used when she left me and we have a son. She should not put her daughter(my step daughter) up to asking me when I'll drop him off, etc. They want me to have him when they want me to have him and then bring him back when they want me too. When the step daughter texted me what time I'll drop him off and that they had plans with him I said, he's enjoying his time at home and that I didn't intend to drop him off that early. I hope it doesn't ruin everyone elses plans. If your mom would like to discuss this, have her call me. She didn't.

My son slept good. He had not been sleeping good over there. I have not tried to talk to my wife since Friday but I have to message her to speak to my son when he's there. I was hoping she'd talk to me today since I have to go back to work tomorrow. This waiting is killing me.

I don't know if she's going to wait until she talks to a lawyer or what. Just talk to me and tell me what you want to do and what we should do with our son, house, etc. If there is any hope, she has to let me know quickly. If she doesn't speak to me in the next day or two, even if she changes her mind, it may be too late for us.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I asked my son when he was here how his mom is doing. He said one moment she was laughing and then she acted like someone punched her in the face, breaking down crying. I asked if anyone tried to comfort her and he said that mom just went into her room and pulled the blanket up over her head. He said something about some medicine(he called it a "pressant) and I asked if she was on an anti-depressant and he said he thinks so. This tears me up. If she is so convinced that what she is doing is right, why does she need anti depressants? And maybe he was wrong about that kind of medicine. Not like I can call and ask her now. She wouldn't respond.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Texted her today and asked if she was ready to talk and said I needed to see our son. Replies back that she is not ready to talk. Needs more time.  Tells me I have one hour with son. We go back and forth and it's now to 3 hours.

I told her it wasn't fair to be on her schedule only so she said what do I want. What would be fair? I told her that this is one of the issues that we needed to discuss and that I know she's not ready but the sooner we discuss this and other issues we can move on. Still not ready.

I then text her that I needed to know for myself. Is our marriage over? Is she going to divorce me? Is there any hope? She replied: It's over. I asked if she was going to divorce me and have not gotten a reply yet. Of course she's going to but she hasn't said. Probably has not spoken to a lawyer yet. Unless she just wanted to separate then after so much time with our son mainly under her care, custody will be much easier for her.

Anger is now coming into this for me.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Well I just took my son back. I feel so bad for talking to him a bit about this stuff but this is killing me. They(wife & her family) have already talked to him about moving to the other state with them. He is 12 and will want to stay with mom. The lawyer I talked to said the only thing I could do was to file a temporary custody motion before she moved. I don't know what to do. If I file and he still wants to go to Texas then I filed for nothing. But I want more time with my son. I don't like having to be on their schedule.

Oh and the texting I did earlier turned out to be her daughter. I guess my wife was there next to her and getting at least some of the messages. 

I feel like my wife also wants to remove my son from my life as much as possible. When they leave to go to that other state(which she couldn't wait to get out of when we met) I'll have very little influence on his upbringing. 

I wanted things to get better. I didn't want to lose my wife or my son. 

And our entire savings account will have been whiped out by hiring lawyers to work this out. What a nightmare this is turning into.

I have not eaten today and am not hungry. I wish I could go back 10 days and try to prevent this from happening. I almost wish I could just die but I can't give up yet.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Well it was one week ago today. Yesterday was probably my worst day and last night at work, I was having the worst thoughts that I have had since this happened. I came to the conclusion last night that I hate myself. I hate the way that I am.

Yesterday I did call a counselor through my employer's EAP program. I am trying to set up a meeting with a counselor. I have not heard back from them yet though.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Good for you for finding a counselor. I know it isn't easy to ask for help sometimes.

I have been going for over 7 months now and it has done wonders for my spirit.

My only advice is if you find a counselor that you don't like, find someone else and don't quit all together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Edited: I was really down and having horrible thoughts.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Find something you like doing....get active instead of dwelling things.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Got a text from wife today. She asked if we could sit down and talk things over this weekend. I imagine it's about the divorce, child support etc, instead of getting back together though. I know she's put in for a change of address by now.

We shall see though. I don't think I will make it back from this one.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Wife came over this weekend but she wanted to discuss our son and how to split things up here. She is done with me. We were able to talk to eachother and we hugged but that's it. I asked her about saying that she wasn't sure if she loved me and then saying that she loved me. I asked if she loved me. After a long pause she said "I don't think so."

She also said she doesn't feel a connection to me and that she almost left me when our son was 4. He's 12 now. I had no idea. She doesn't remember exactly what happened though. And I can't remember what happened that many years ago. I'm glad we stuck it out though.

Life is miserable and I am devastated from all of this.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You have the shinning manifestation of your love in the form of your son. Know in you heart it was not a waste, pick up your stuff and move forward. Nothing to be accomplished by loving someone who doesn't love you back. Life ain't so bad out here by ourselves ;o)


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Thanks hesnothappy but one thing she wanted to talk about was taking him to another state(where her family is). And he wants to go. Could be as soon as December now. So my pride and joy will be leaving me too.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

If done right, it can work out in everyone favor ;o) Wishing the best for your situation. Distance won't diminsh his love for you.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Well I found old cards that she sent me where she declared her love for me and how happy she was and stuff like that. Stuff like that just keeps the pain coming when I read it now.

It is some pleasure to know that she did love me at one time. I wish she still did now.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Gosh i am so sorry you are going through this, the pain must be immense. 

Hugs xx


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

When she was here today I asked if she was pregnant. It's only been 4 weeks. She texted me a while ago and said that the test said no pregnancy. So hopefully she's being honest about that. I did not see the results myself.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Talked to wife today on phone. She is still torn up and sometimes breaks down. She left work early tuesday because she broke down and cried. The thought did enter her mind about coming back but the people she talks to tell her they're glad she left me and they tell her to not come back. So I have nobody but me wanting her to come back. 

She did say she's on anti depressants since this happened and she still cries every day. She says she made the move for herself but that she still feels guilty for what she did to me.

I am still so sick over this.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I feel like I died 2 1/2 weeks ago. The only reason I've held on this long is that I have a hope that she will come back. She isn't talking to me again though. I don't see being able to last much longer without my family back.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I had my son this weekend. Last night we went out after dark to rent a movie. On the way back my truck broke down on me. Was very difficult knowing that I just can't call my wife now. Had to call my dad. 

Got home but couldn't start it this morning. I called and left my wife a message so she could come get him. Never called me back and just sent her daughter instead. How cold. No offer of help. Nothing. Now I am home and no way to go anywhere.

God, life sucks.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

OP you need to get some help with coping with this. Maybe some professional help since you are feeling suicidal. Please do so right away. Your son needs you in his life and will now more than ever. You can't control if your wife comes back or not, so you've got to let her go, you don't have a choice. I know things look bleak right now but a few months down the road you will see things are brighter. You said yourself that your marriage wasn't all that great so maybe this is for the best and your future once you get past this pain can be what you want it to be. You can get through this, get some professional help right now to help you through the worst of it, please. 

Hugs to you........


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Well she wants to leave and move 12 hours away. And take my son. They've got him all excited about it too. I will hardly ever get to see him.

I did speak to a counselor last week. I lied on the questionair about suicidal thoughts. I said that I wasn't having any.

I've been consumed by them. I even bought a gun last week after my wife came to see me. I've just been holding out because of that little bit of hope that I have. And the fact that I don't really want to end my life. But I do not want to go on without them either. I've written my notes and warning signs to not enter because I don't want them to walk in and find me.

I've prayed and they've not been answered nor have I seen any signs or anyway out of this. I just do not want to go on. It's just a matter of doing it now. Unless something good happens before then.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Hugged my son goodbye before he left. I broke down and cried and he cried too. I told him that I thanked God for bringing him into my life. He is the best part of my life. Ever.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> Hugged my son goodbye before he left. I broke down and cried and he cried too. I told him that I thanked God for bringing him into my life. He is the best part of my life. Ever.


Then do not hurt him by hurting yourself. If you hurt yourself you will leave him with nasty scars and a loss all his life that will make him unlikely to live a good life. It will NEVER go away for him, he will NOT be the same person. I know you want to stop your pain by hurting yourself but it's a selfish thing to do. 

STOP........call someone to talk you down. 

Look, I don't know you, all I know is that you are here in pain and what I've read about you today, but damn it, I care. You are better than this, do not do this to your son. Don't be selfish and tell yourself he will be better off without you, that is not true. You are here for a reason and that reason is not fulfilled yet. Please.....call someone or keep talking to me.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Dude...

why are you just letting her get full custody of your son, removing him from your life, and no doubt going to spank you with another 16 years of child support?

You're basically paying her to kidnap him.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Atholk, don't you think you need to be gentle with this poster???:scratchhead::scratchhead:

He is threatening to hurt himself, dude.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

If you're thinking about suicide like you have been saying, please call 911 or the national suicide prevention hotline and ask for help: 1-800-273-8255

Suicide is not a solution to your problems. I know it doesn't seem like it, but your problems are temporary. Suicide is not. It will haunt your family forever. Please ask for help, things will get better if you do.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Get help now, talk to someone. You only hurt the ones left behind including your son, family etcetera. Its NEVER a solution


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I so hope the OP comes back and tells us he is OK and is not going to do anything crazy.

I'm saying a little prayer for him.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I am here. Thank you all for the support. But I am done. I am sorry to all.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Chris H. said:


> If you're thinking about suicide like you have been saying, please call 911 or the national suicide prevention hotline and ask for help: 1-800-273-8255
> 
> Suicide is not a solution to your problems. I know it doesn't seem like it, but your problems are temporary. Suicide is not. It will haunt your family forever. Please ask for help, things will get better if you do.


Please take Chris H's advice & give them a call. As dark as things might seem right now, I promise you things will get better.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> I am here. Thank you all for the support. But I am done. I am sorry to all.


NO, NO, NO........DON'T DO THIS TO YOUR SON! 

Your pain will lesson, but you will leave your son with lifelong consequences. 

Please, please don't.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

I sent you a private message, Mizz, please read it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TheMizz...erable said:


> I am here. Thank you all for the support. But I am done. I am sorry to all.


Mizz I am reading your post and I ask you to think of what you are experiencing now as temporary.

<<< YOUR SON NEEDS HIS DAD >>> <<< PLEASE DONT CHECK OUT ON HIM>>>


You are the most important man in his life, he is only 12yo he has no idea of the impact of leaving his Dad and moving 12 hrs away. If it is presented as fun, that all he sees with his kids eyes. 

Don't expect him to know that but, you certainly should. He needs you now more than ever. You have to pull yourself together and think of his future, which includes you.

Your life is not your own to give or take so hang on. You need help legal help and psychological support. What are your plans to get both?


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

They ARE my life. She checked out on me and he is ready to go too. I just have not been able to pretend to be strong thru this. I broke down and cried when I hugged him goodbye yesterday afternoon. 

I had a consultation with a lawyer and what he said was not very promising. Yes I could file for divorce, keeping her in this state until then. But even with a custody order, he wants to be with mom. So that would be a waste of time and money that I do not have near enough of. Especially now. And I went to IC for the first time last week. I tried. Just seems like so much work and effort for a lost cause now.

My life was empty and meaningless before my wife and son came into it. I guess that's why I am taking it so hard now. I hated being so lonely.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Call your counselor back and say you were lying about not having suicidal thoughts.

File for shared custody rights of some sort. This board has told you to do that for a week now. Your son is a minor and doesn't get to decide where he lives.

You have been very vague about the bad things in your marriage that you wanted to change. By your own admission things had to change, or the marriage needed to end, which is why you floated the idea of a divorce. Are you sure that you actually want her back?

Did your wife give up and leave because she knew about your emotional affair at work? Have you ever talked about that issue? Your counselor should know about that too.

I would also start exercising regularly if that is something you haven't been doing. It is very calming.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mizz?

Do you have any personal friends nearby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Just wanted to give an update: I was up all night. Pacing back and forth, sometimes laying down with the loaded gun beside me. 12 hours.

My will to live was just a bit stronger than the alternative. I went and took my signs down and put the gun away. Right at that time my dad showed up. I cannot say that there was a compelling reason for me not to go thru with it. I just didn't.

***While I am typing this I get a text from my wife telling me it's over...the love she had for me in the beginning is over...What timing eh?***


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Atholk,
My lawyer said that the judge would consider where he wanted to be. I believe that he will wind up with his mom, all things considered.

Wife did not know about work friend. I did mention her to the counselor. I had been getting daily excercise in but have not done near as much since she left.

Yes I would take my wife back because we did not try all that we could. But she has made it clear that she is not coming back.

alphaomega,
No I do not have any real friends.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I have had a loaded gun in hand with this mess with the thought of ending it. Please, it isn't worth it. I'm going to PM you my phone number. Please call if you even think about grabbing that gun. It ain't worth it. Life does go on. You are in the low of the roller coaster. There are highs coming. You have friends here. I have made friends here that have been a true blessing. Hang in there. Please call me if you need to, or even want to. It helps to talk it out.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Mizz.......you have friends here, right now. 

See we are reaching out to you, we are going to help you get through this. 

We know it's bad right now, but it will NOT always be this way. 

Keep talking, keep posting, keep sending me pm's. Call hurting in TN, call your ic, call a hotline, just hang on. You can do this, I know it. 

One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

As someone on here told me at one of my lowest points, you have more friends than you know. Hang in there.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

TheMizz...erable said:


> Atholk,
> My lawyer said that the judge would consider where he wanted to be. I believe that he will wind up with his mom, all things considered.
> 
> Wife did not know about work friend. I did mention her to the counselor. I had been getting daily excercise in but have not done near as much since she left.
> ...


So you're not even asking for summer visitation?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Atholk said:


> So you're not even asking for summer visitation?


I think out of respect for what the man went through last night (walking around with a loaded gun) that any questions, especially one worded as if he is doing something wrong or not doing something right should be on hold right now. There will be time for those later, don't you think? It comes off as very insensitive, irregardless if you meant it that way or not.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Atholk said:


> So you're not even asking for summer visitation?


Yes I have. I have told her that I want to see him. He is my pride and joy. I would see him every day if I could, like I have to this point in his life.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

:iagree: There will be time for working out the details on seeing your son later. Take the time right now to take care of you. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There are lots of great people here who care. One PM'd me today about a support group that meets on Thursday night near where I work. I emailed the people running it and plan to start attending. Maybe you can look into a divorce support group in your area. I think it will be helpful for me and maybe it would be for you as well. Of course, you can always post here as well. You've also got my number.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> Yes I have. I have told her that I want to see him. He is my pride and joy. I would see him every day if I could, like I have to this point in his life.



It feels like you have to see him every day. You don't. Do you know what my kids said this weekend? We get to spend more time with you right now with the separation than we did before the separation. I was freaking out about not seeing them as often. However, on the time with them, we concentrate on each other. 

I know you won't get to see him as often as you would like. But the times you do get to see him will be more intense and powerful than when you were seeing him every day. Also, use all of the technology available to keep in touch with him daily. With today's communication assets, the world really is a small place. You'll figure out how to get more physical time with him as time moves on. This storm looks bleak and dark, but the sun will shine again. 

You may also want to consider giving someone you gun to hold onto for a while. I did that at one point. If it's not readily available, it becomes less of a temptation. If that's not an option, consider throwing away all of your ammo. You can always buy more when your head clears up.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I have looked into support groups but I have not found anything. I'll keep my eyes open for one though.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Good move, you are moving forward. I find online support groups are just as good as IRL groups. Just type in Google what ever word describes what you are looking for and there will be a group of people that can relate.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I hope you are doing well today. I'm still thinking about you and praying for you.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I hope you are doing well today. Give us an update, PM, or call when you get a chance. I'd like to know you're still climbing out of that low spot.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I'm here. Returned to work today. Thought about my wife a lot. Miss the hell out of her.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Well Wednesday I saw my son. The night before I texted the wife that I would like to see him. Wed morn, got a text telling me she'd bring him over at 5 or 5:30 for a couple of hours. Her daughter brought him over about 5:40. Shortly after that he tells me he has homework and that "they" want him back over there by 7. So my couple of hours that they "allowed" me was reduced to 1 hr, 20 mins. I got him back to daughter's house about 7:10.

Texted wife about house and then texted son later that night. Never received a response from either. Thursday night I finally tried to get ahold of my son again via phone. Left a msg twice. Never called back. Then called two more times and left msg for wife. No one ever answered or called me back so that aggravated me and I wound up getting very little sleep.

I wonder what's going on now?


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

It seems to me that my wife is lying about some things now. It just seems disrespectful to me. And if I have the suspicion that she is lying, how are we supposed to sit down and do this divorce ourselves? She told me the day she left that she would make sure that I see my son every day. Has not happened.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> It seems to me that my wife is lying about some things now. It just seems disrespectful to me. And if I have the suspicion that she is lying, how are we supposed to sit down and do this divorce ourselves? She told me the day she left that she would make sure that I see my son every day. Has not happened.


Hi Mizz........

You need to seek legal advice to protect yourself. It doesn't mean that you have to use a lawyer but you at least need to know what your rights and obligations are especially in regards to your son.


It would be helpful to you if there was a formal agreement concerning your son especially.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

TheMizz...erable said:


> It seems to me that my wife is lying about some things now. It just seems disrespectful to me. And if I have the suspicion that she is lying, how are we supposed to sit down and do this divorce ourselves? She told me the day she left that she would make sure that I see my son every day. Has not happened.


If you want to see your son with any degree of frequency, you have to get a legal agreement to do so. The sooner you get this in process the better, the longer you wait the more you will get spun as "disinterested father" when custody and child support gets determined in court.

Her verbal agreement to have you see your son is near worthless.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Mizz,

I know your hurting, but you need to focus. Go see your lawyer about custody. No one is going to make what you want happen with your son happen except you. Fight this. Mak it your cause. 

Take care of yourself, friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Hard time today. Wife and son and her side of the family are several hours away at the zoo for the day. I am here. Alone. Probably not one second of thought has been spent on me by them.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear mizz today around mid day it hit me again. Its tough knowing someone you care about has not even let you cross their mind. Im just ready to get this day over with too maybe tommorow will be better I dont know. Its been up and down for me since middle of last week and well I dont know what to do.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I get to thinking about stuff like when I had surgery a few years ago for kidney stones. I was almost helpless and she was there for me. I didn't go back to work for six weeks. She was there for me. I think about something like tyhat happening again and not having her there to care for me.

I was there for her when she had breast cancer and she had a mastectomy. I held her when she cried that she wasn't ready to die yet.

Thoughts like that make it even harder on me. We were there for eachother and we cared for eachother. Now, she won't be there for me anymore.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I couldnt imagine on the cancer part. I can tell you I feel the same way as you with other issues that happen with me and she was there and now I will not have that anymore. Its hard to come to terms with but It is something we have to face even though it is very tough. You think that all people have been through with each other would somehow bond them enough to keep together but I guess some people dismiss that but guess what IT WAS NOT US that gave up.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

TheMizz...erable said:


> I get to thinking about stuff like when I had surgery a few years ago for kidney stones. I was almost helpless and she was there for me. I didn't go back to work for six weeks. She was there for me. I think about something like tyhat happening again and not having her there to care for me.
> 
> I was there for her when she had breast cancer and she had a mastectomy. I held her when she cried that she wasn't ready to die yet.
> 
> Thoughts like that make it even harder on me. We were there for eachother and we cared for eachother. Now, she won't be there for me anymore.



Hey Mizz...

That is some really tough stuff you have been through together...I have been through some things like that..not the cancer part but she has cried in my arms about things that make my heart hurt...

It is very tough to think that won't happen again....but it will someday...Maybe not with her but there will be someone out there who will take care of you in a time of need and you will be there for her.....its just going to take some time...

This is one heck of a journey with no manual to follow and no two stories that are exactly the same...Stay strong


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Hang in there Mizz. I'm having one of those rough days today also. Like Shooboomafoo says, on these days you just have to tell yourself the brighter days are coming. Eventually, these dark days become fewer and farther between. Also, the brighter days become more frequent.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Wife wants me to agree to let het take our son to the other state. She says if I love them I should let them go. And I texted her today that I love him as much as she does. Could she just let him go? He would have more family down there. But, dammit, all that family would not replace mom or dad.

Anyway I picked my son up this afternoon. He gets in the car and I can tell something's wrong. Hand on face, I could tell something wasn't right. He then says "I want to go to (other state)." I said son I am not going to talk to ypou about that and they shouldn't be either. He said well they have been talking to me about it. Her and her side of the family are getting him excited about it and I get to be the bad guy if he doesn't go. That upset me alot. It's not right.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I would not stand for that at all either. I know how much you care for your son and I know how much I love mine. Tell her NO way.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

So the people at work that remember me when I used to work this same shift also remember me bragging about my wife's cooking. She is the world's greatest cook. But now I get asked almost every day..."So what'd your wife cook you for supper last night?"

People do not know she left so I just say...whatever I had. Or they'll ask me what she's cooking for supper and I'll have to say I'm not real sure yet.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Ah that sucks anytime someone starts to bring mine up I just tell them I dont want to hear her name. Man I hate that for you it just keeps a open wound sometimes.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Had son this weekend. That helps me a lot mentally. Wife came over for almost two hours as we talked how to do the divorce. If I agree to her taking son to other state, I get a good trade off. If it goes to court, I could come out on the short end of things and she could still take son. Very difficult decision for me. It's not that I want to let him go. But I may lose him anyway. Plus, he's got it in his head that he wants to go.

Anyway, I told wife that this divorce was not my first cjhoice and that I'd rather reconcile. No response. Then when she left I brought it up again. I asked, so is there any chance for a reconcilliation? She just said "no". I do not understand why cheaters, wife beaters, molesters, druggies and drunks get second chances. But I do not get a second chance.

I am hurting.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Keep your head up mizz. I would take my chances with court. Do not mention nothing about reconcilliation to her again. Start giving her the cold shoulder on everything except when it comes to your son. I dont understand why we dont get second chances either but hey we have got to heal ourselves. I would not give into her taking my son to another state!


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

:iagree:


Hang in there mizz....I agree with lost...if she wants to go to court so be it...take your chances there....Its time to get back in the game...Get up brush yourself off and get on with it...

I asked my wife to reconcile , she said no, I told her how I felt about her, no response. A week or so later I felt the urge to tell her one more time how I felt...I told her..she said she knew it and it didn;t change a thing..

No more...I am not putting myself out there for someone who doesn't care....You do the same...No More Mizz


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

It's not fair and it's not right. It all sucks big time.

I've now told my STBX I accept his decision and I hope he finds happiness. I apologized for all the hurts over the years and told him I regret those things but it is what it is and I accept his decision.

I also told him no more dinners, lunches, I dont want him coming over every day whenever he feels like it and I want my home to be my home. I need MY time now, to heal and pull my life together.

Even though I've been abandoned and my life's hope and dreams have been trashed I NEED to detach from him and get it all together. It hurts but I have to.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Very good BBT tell him how you feel and keep him away from you. You are taken all the steps for sure.

Cheers to you


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

If my son gave any indication that he wanted to stay with me and not go to the other state, I would not let her take him. He'll be 13 next month. He may go and decide he wants to come back when he's old enough to decide for himself. Very hard for me to let him go.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing I'd caution you about is that according to my GF (and Dr. Phil, I think), we teach others how to treat us. In this new journey of your separation, teaching your wife and son that they can go behind your back (by talking to your son about something like this before it's agreed to) and that you can be blackmailed, you need to be careful you don't set up the news patterns to dealing with you. You don't agree on a holiday or birthday visitation schedule? Well, they sure know a way to get what they want! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

PBear, If I let my son go with her, she's giving me a lot elsewhere. I'm not just giving her son and everything else she wanted. Still, this is eating away at me.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> If my son gave any indication that he wanted to stay with me and not go to the other state, I would not let her take him. He'll be 13 next month. He may go and decide he wants to come back when he's old enough to decide for himself. Very hard for me to let him go.


Well, this may very well be the case. You know how the wayward spouses are convinced the grass is greener on the other side until they get there and get tired of the bullshlt it was fertilized with. Your son is probably being pumped full of BS about how good it will be there. The more they pump him up with BS, the more disappointed he will likely be. Maybe it won't be long before he wants to come back.

In the meantime, hang in there. I'm still thinking of you and praying for you, bro.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Another thing you have probably mentioned, but I can't remember. What is preventing you from moving there as well? If all else fails, I would probably look for work there to be near him.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I know wife and her daughter both said they were glad they left there. I wonder what happened? Anyway all I can do is wait. I may eventually move there but it's not my idea of where I would like to live. Home is where I am now. And where my family(the three of us) have lived for years.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers man. I wonder what keeps me holding on sometimes. Thoughts and prayers from people I don't even know must help.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

TheMizz...erable said:


> I wonder what keeps me holding on sometimes. Thoughts and prayers from people I don't even know must help.



Me, too. It's kind of like that song, "Lean on me" or something like that. I've had a lot of folks here I don't even know offer me so much help when I truly needed it that I try to return the favor as often as I can. We're all going through hell so we all need someone to lean on at one point or another. 

That reminds me of one night when I was in the Marines. There were about 4 or 5 of us staggering back from the enlisted club. It was one of those nights none of us could walk very well. We saw a police officer driving toward us. Someone mentioned we walk in a tight shoulder to shoulder formation. That way, we kind of offset each others stumbling. It must have looked absolutely hilarious, but it sounded like a good idea at the time.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Very difficult day yesterday. Lots of bad thoughts because my wife would not reply to some messages about the divorce and my imagination was running wild. After work I had IC and that helped. If for nothing else it gave me someone to talk too. Am doing okay this morning and I hope this stuff doesn't hit me like it did yesterday. I am supposed to have my son after work so that will help too.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear you had a ruff day yesterday mizz. Keep your head in the game man and dont let your mind just run wild try to focus on something else when it starts doing that. Keep up with the IC that will definately help. I am thinking about trying IC myself.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Hard day today as well. Wife and I talked the other day. We both love our son and want him. She wants to take him out of state. I figure if that's what she wants, then other things would have to be in my favor to compensate. She said I could have house if I agree about son. Okay. I was about to give her the okay. But I got a text today saying that if I decide to sell house, her half would be put into an account for our son. Well...I don't really get any benefit if I decide to sell at some point and still give up half. I have started paying the mortgage myself anyway. There is no half. It's like if I pay the mortgage for 20 more years and decide to sell, she gets half??? How does that compensate me for letting her take son? Having son is what we both want. I don't know who gave her the idea but it upset me that she wants this now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

What does your boy want? He is old enough to choose.

Your wife is using him like a pawn. This is no good. I feel bad for him because lord knows what he hears and sees from his mother.

Sorry you had a bad day.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Ah man sorry to hear that. I would not give into that deal tell her to F off and you will take it up in court.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> What does your boy want?


He has it in his head that he wants to go with mom to other state.

So far he has parroted what she has said about it. They(wife and her family that is already there and planning to go there) have played it up to him. I talked to him tonight because I had him for a while. He says that mom was talking to him about it before she even left me.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Lostouthere said:


> Ah man sorry to hear that. I would not give into that deal tell her to F off and you will take it up in court.


I am not giving into that deal. But I told her in a much nicer way.


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## justme82 (Apr 5, 2011)

Is it possible that your wife found out about co-worker OW, and that is why she is behaving this way? As if to say "well YOU put the divorce card on the table because you wanted OW, so I am giving you what you wanted. But because you were cheating I should get things my way." I don't completely understand why you are upset that she left. You seemed only get really hurt AFTER OW no longer wanted to continue your relationship. Which was AFTER your "change or divorce" talk with your STBXW. 

Just trying to understand. I must have missed something somewhere, 'cause everyone elses post read as if she just up and left you one day. 

I'm confused...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Perhaps you misunderstood. I did not cheat. Wife did not know about co worker anyway. The divorce talk has been brought up before by wife too. Like I said, I didn't really want a divorce but felt I needed to convey how things needed to change before something like a divorce happened. Things were not so good but we could have worked on the problems.

But I love my wife and even though we had problems, it still hurt when she decided to leave. Taking our son makes it even worse.


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## justme82 (Apr 5, 2011)

You might want to check your 9th post on the first page. 

You posted in your backstory that you had a "work friend" (ow), whom you admitted to being "interested" in, even though you were both married. You went on to say that after your wife left and your "work friend" went back to her husband, that now the reason for you having the talk with your wife wanted nothing to do with you.

Any talk of "interest" between two married parties is inapropriate. The fact that you hid your friendship conversationa from your wife only reinforces my perception that you are aware that you were doing something not right. 

You were pretty unhappy that "the reason for" your talk with your wife "now wants nothing to with" you either. (per your words)

My husband did something rather similar. It was innocent so he said. Then why hide it? Why did you not tell your wife since she was just a friend?

I just don't believe you are the victim here. Recheck your post on the first page. You were right, you screwed up and the devil prolly is laughing at you. He was laughing at my hubby too. Prolly still is...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

justme82, I really don't know where to start. I did plenty of things wrong in this marriage. Work friend was not THE reason that I had the talk. The poor state of our relationship is the reason I had the talk. Work friend just gave me a bit of inspiration to do it instead of just settling for what was going on at home. Work friend is still my friend. So not wanting anything to do with me isn't something I recall saying. But I have been very emotional and maybe I didn't say things in these posts the best way to say them. I am sorry for any confusion. Did I act inappropriately? Yes. Did I cheat? No.

Work friend and I were friends and I did mention her to wife at one point in time. Now as it got a little more serious, I didn't mention her anymore. 

I did screw up. We both made mistakes. If you have any other criticisms, just let me know.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

Wife texted me that she has retained an attorney. So this is going to court. I will fight to keep son close to me now. She says she has to force him to see me as it is. When he's here, things are fine. It's when he's over there that he seems to have problems with me. She also said he hated going to grandpa's(my dad) house. Yet we had dinner with them on Saturday and son asked if he could spend the night over there. He also mention it Wed when I saw him. Nobody forced him to ask if he go over there.

Anyway wife has changed our agreement on me seeing him. Now she wants to only let me see him every other weekend and wednesdays. I was to see him on Monday too after her weekend. She does not have the right to do that. No court has given her the right. Until then we should have 50/50. She then told me that we could wait til the courts decide if I prefer(before I see him) and to not push my luck.

I called an attorney but by that time he was out for the day. I am thinking she went to the state to get them to come after me on child support. I was willing to pay that anyway but she never agreed on an amount. Ugh what a mess.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Any update? How are you doing? You seem to be in a much better place emotionally than you were.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I am a lot better but still have my moments. I'll see my lawyer tomorrow. 

Today is one of those days where I am missing her.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

After one last ditch effort to get her to come back, divorce papers have been filed. I am not torn up like I was, but I still have my moments. 

The only things I am concerned with now is getting thru the divorce and keeping my son from being completely taken away from me.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well at least you know what direction your going in. Its going to be tough but it will get easier. Im still having those days and will continue for a while I guess.


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