# Divorcing an abusive husband; have a child - need some guidance



## Anotherdivorcée (Sep 24, 2021)

Hello
I have been married for 4 years. It’s been an abusive marriage from the start. I have tried everything to make it work. Over the last four years, I have lost my job, alienated my friends and family members, destroyed my self esteem and so much more. I am not allowed to go to work, wear what I want, maintain relationships with my friends and family or even step outside the house without being interrogated. I have been verbally, emotionally and physically abused. I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t have any money and he has accrued so much debt under my name. I am ready to leave but unfortunately I have a very young child which makes this whole process so much more complicated and difficult.( I left two years ago, I wish I had never returned.) I spoke to an attorney and he suggested I get an order of protection and move in with my parents. I think moving in with my parents is a terrible idea since he will harass me there. What should I do? Has anyone experienced anything similar? What is it like? I will be the first and only one out of everyone I know to get a divorce so I can only imagine the reaction of everyone around me, but I am not concerned about that as much. His family is wealthy and mine isn’t so I am concerned about obtaining custody of my child. Can anyone please provide some guidance? What’s my best option? I am in NY if that helps. Thank you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Look for an organization near you that helps victims of domestic abuse. They can help you navigate all this in your area. You will need some assistance on how to handle this with your moving out of the family home with your child. You need to know your legal rights in doing this.

About him harassing you at your parent's home. If you get a restraining order (order of protection) you can call the police if he harasses you and/or your parents.

You talked about him interrogating you over things. Is he ever violent? Does he ever hit you, push you, put his hands on you in hanger? Does he throw and break things in anger; punch the walls, furniture, etc.?


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## Anotherdivorcée (Sep 24, 2021)

Yes .. he has been physically abusive.. I looked into getting an order of protection but it says it’s not applicable if he doesn’t get served.. there is a gate on the property where he/we live.. which is never open.. so a sheriff would never be able to serve him.. I was wondering if I can just leave the state and hide for some time until things cool down and the divorce paperwork has started.. it’s so complicated with a child..


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Anotherdivorcée said:


> .. so a sheriff would never be able to serve him..


Does he ever leave the property? Go to work, etc ? Provide the sheriff with his schedule.


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## karen914 (Sep 30, 2021)

Hello, having gone thru similar, I am happy to share. 1. The longer you stay, the more each fight will effect your child. 2. Physical abuse causes PTSD and while you are in it, the threshold for degradation increases for you and your child. You don't want it to become a cyclical, familiar norm for you or your child. 3. My son and I left to stay with my father of whom that husband was afraid. So safety is an imperative. It is better to just utilize the resources you find available to you and your child and bounce when your husband is not around and has not one clue. Bounce. A place like mentioned in the stream of responses. 4
From that place of saftey you can start a new life of healing and meaningfulness. It may be scary at first but you'll get stronger and your sense of worth will return and increase. 5. Never ever go back to your husband. It only gets worse with each return. Don't learn this the hard way. 6. Not only hear but listen to your child and pay attention to their emotions, expressions, and feelings. Love, hug, protect, encourage, compliment even the small things. 7. The objective is the legacy. For you. For your child. A bright future. 8. That's what I have now. 9. And last but not least: getting to experience the prescence, love, and healing of your Creator, Jesus Christ. It worked and continues to woek for me...the knowing. Blessings to you and your child.

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