# I need some help



## PavelVan10! (Jan 16, 2018)

I was looking for some advice on my marriage. My wife and I recently married in August and things have taken a turn for the worst. My father passed away in February and my mother is alone. I promised him I would take care of her. While she is a strong lady and quite capable of fending for herself, I do feel the need to help her out with things she can’t do on her own. This involves moving things, fixing her plumbing, heating etc. I don’t feel like I spend an abundance of time with her, but I always want to be there for her and I do worry as she has lost her father, husband and job of 30 years all within 18 months. We have been through a lot together and do have a very strong relationship. My wife has recently accused me of having “Mommy issues.” Confused as to what this is, she told me that my mother can do no wrong in my eyes and that she is somehow plotting to have my wife removed from the picture and that my Mom thinks I can do better and hates her. They have never argued and they are cordial and friendly when they are together. My wife is generally insecure and my Mom is brutally honest. She has stated numerous times that she does like her. We have fought a lot lately and somehow my mother is always brought into the fight. Apparently most of my issues stem from an unhealthy/weird relationship I have with my mother. This has never been brought to my attention by anyone, friends or family. This is an awkward spot for me, as my mother has never done me or anyone else harm. I’m in an incredibly awkward spot due to my Mom’s circumstances. I feel like I can’t visit her or call and check in without my wife making me feel guilty or awkward. I’ not an angry person, but when she drags my Mother into these fights it fills me with rage. I’m totally against violence, especially that of the domestic nature and I would never hit her, but I have never been this angry at someone before. I feel like she has a lot of unnecessary hatred for the lady who raised me, who has been nothing but kind and welcoming her into our family.
I’m a former college athlete who likes to stay fit. I don’t think I’m vain, but I am very concerned with my health and fitness level. I train more for the sake of movement, the feeling I get, the challenge and mental clarity exercise gives me. I guess I do gain some aesthetic benefit, but in no means do I train like a bodybuilder or fitness model. Yesterday she told me that the hour 45-60 minutes I spend after work exercising impedes our relationship and that body makes her feel uncomfortable. Before our wedding she got into really good shape and has since let herself go a bit. She is by no means fat, but has stopped taking care of herself how she used to. I feel like she has taken the lazy path and that she would like me to join. Sometimes on the way home she will ask if I’m working out. If I return the question, she snaps and hints that I think she’s a fat lazy slob. If I ask her what she had for lunch she blows up and tells me I think she is fat. She has asked that I never speak to her about exercising again. We have probably had sex 5 times in the last 6 months. She told me that I don’t want to have sex with her because she’s now a fat girl not the skinny chick I married, but when I try she shuts me down. I usually just roll over and let is go. She told me I pressure her into sex; which has never been the case. I couldn’t picture myself wanting sex with anyone who doesn’t want it in return. Yesterday, she asked me if I feel like I’m entitled to sex with other people because I don’t get it from her. The fact that I married someone who thinks I’m an unfaithful abusive scum bag really upsets me.
Recently her thought process has been that I want to bang every girl that isn’t her. I have never cheated on her. Infect I’m afraid to be in the same room with other women (including my own mother) because of the allegations that arise. Anytime a girl whom she might find attractive are in our vicinity, I get weird looks from her after she looks the other girl up and down. It is extremely uncomfortable to be on the train together, a bar or walking through the mall. I feel the need to look down, not let my eyes wander anywhere and not speak to anyone because of the potential fight that could arise. I have been accused of sleeping with women at work an trying to plot schemes with my exe’s who I haven’t spoken with in years. She thinks all men cheat and that anytime I go out with friends after hockey or baseball that we are picking up women or going to strip clubs. I was a professional/college athlete and I don’t know anyone who conducts themselves like this. Yes, some men cheat but so do women. I could never go away with any of my friends because apparently all men cheat on their wives picking up every waitress, hooker and stripper in their wake. 
I do realize that I’m by no means perfect. Like everyone I have many flaws and I do believe that working on yourself is a lifelong pursuit. Not all of our relationship is awful, we used to have some good times but my wife’s views on my intentions, my relationship with my family and the world in general are running my life. I find it hard to be intimate or caring towards her when she says such nasty things to me. I am than accused of being distant. I feel trapped; I think if I went to my family with this that they would completely write her off, likewise with a lot of my friends. I’m extremely frustrated, angry, sad, confused. If you could please offer your honest opinion on how I can potentially fix this or whether or nor I should walk away now it would be greatly appreciated.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to see a psychologist to take your mind on the right track. It is difficult to be torn between your mother and your wife. Your wife is definitely insecure about her appearance, but too lazy to do anything about it. Bring this problem to your psychologist. I was very stressed at my job several years ago due to a very abusive supervisor. My psychologist gave me coping mechanisms to deal with my stress. The abusive supervisor eventually got forced out of her job & resigned. Karma bites!

How old are you and your wife? Do you have any children?


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## PavelVan10! (Jan 16, 2018)

We are both 31 with no children. This is going to be on-hold until we get this straightened out.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

PavelVan10! said:


> We are both 31 with no children. This is going to be on-hold until we get this straightened out.


Definitely no children, until you get this sorted out. You may both need to go to a marriage counselor together. Sorry you are here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@PavelVan10! I have some bad news and some good news about your marriage.

The bad news is that there is an abusive, weird person in your life.

The good news is that it isn't you or your mother.

Your wife might need psychiatric help as she could be depressed.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

He needs other armchair guidance.

I think she is displaying other symptoms than depression. Unfortunately.

And, again very unfortunately, PavelVan10!, you really should get divorced as soon as possible. You do not want to go down this road with her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Panelvan:

Ask your wife this question:

"Do you honestly expect others to be less than, or to do without otherwise healthy things, in order to help you feel better about yourself?"


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. You ignored the most important rule in relationships - STAY AWAY FROM CRAZY. Your wife is crazy. It's very unlikely that you will be able to fix that. Your options now are to learn to cope or get away from her. Just remember that getting away from crazy can be just as dangerous as staying.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with the others in that your wife may be depressed. Would she go to couple's counselling if you asked about it? She also sounds very insecure about her relationships and her body, and by the sounds of it, isn't trying to fix anything. If I were you as well, I would get myself into individual therapy to get some help with sorting things out. Just for the record, I used to be married to someone who was at the beck and call of his Mom and sister, both of who didn't drive and didn't do things for themselves. I commended him for being there for him, but as a result of that, he wasn't able to contribute to the life that him and I were trying to build. It gets frustrating and old very quickly, and we're now on the road to divorce, for many reasons other than the aforementioned. How much time are you spending weekly with your Mom?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IT seems odd that you only married her 5 months ago when you knew what she was like to a large extent. Did you live together before you married? If so then why did you marry her?
How much time do you spend with your mother? Are there any other siblings who can visit your mum? How old is she?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I agree with @MattMatt.

Not because he is Welsh.
Not because he is good looking. He is.

But, because he is correct.
She has deep seated insecurities, deep seated depression. 

She is going to end up getting what she fears. She is pushing for this.
You leaving, finding another nicer lady to have and to hold. 

Oh, note this: she is suffering, experiencing forces from without. 
Yep, from the Ether.

Splitting herself away from her best interests.

Few here will agree, let alone concur. Not my problem. 
My duty is to inform. Not to encourage, to impel.

There is another women waiting for you. And Fate should not be denied.
Will not be denied without some painful recourse.

The new Mrs. may not be fit.
I guarantee she will not be.... fit-to-be-tied.
........................................................................................
If you love your wife, you must give her a heads-up.
Tell her you are considering divorce. 
If she does not unravel her anxiety, release her love for you. 
........................................................................................

She has earned this warning, via years served on her part.
Via the fact that she is your yet, dear wife.

Lilith-


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

PavelVan10! said:


> I find it hard to be intimate or caring towards her when she says such nasty things to me. I am than accused of being distant.


I really do think @Uptown should read this thread. He is qualified to respond.


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## PavelVan10! (Jan 16, 2018)

None really. We live about an hour away, if I'm in the area I will stop in and see her, maybe have a coffee which is maybe once a week or every two weeks. We either have her over for dinner every couple of weeks or she invites us. If there is something she needs help with, she is respectful of our schedule and never asks or insists. She understands that I have a wife and a life and doesn't want to impead into my personal life.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am not qualified to respond.

But I suspect your wife has a mental illness which you cannot help her with. She probably needs psychiatric help, and she needs to want it herself.

I also suspect she will refuse to seek it, or accept it.

People who are qualified need to ask you the right questions.

My wife was assessed for many things, and my wife is mentally ill. But thankfully her illness is manageable by us, and my wife fully recognizes her illness and accepts she is ill and everything that entails. We cope.

Some illnesses are exceedingly difficult to cope with, and I would recommend against trying.

Be well, somehow.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She is projecting. A lot.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I can ask.

Does she get mad at you for not paying enough attention to her?

Then she says you are controlling when you attempt to pay attention to her?

She pushes you away, and right after that, she complains that you are abandoning her?

And around and around it goes? She demands you pay attention to only her, then she says you are smothering her?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If things don’t change think about how your life is going to be in five years.No friends,no contact with family and an obese narcissist to come home to every evening.
Sounds great doesn’t it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WilliamM said:


> He needs other armchair guidance.
> 
> I think she is displaying other symptoms than depression. Unfortunately.
> 
> And, again very unfortunately, PavelVan10!, you really should get divorced as soon as possible. You do not want to go down this road with her.


William, thank you for your point. However, I have qualifications in mental health, mental health awareness and basic counselling qualifications.

Advice on divorce may be premature at this time, though is an option to be kept in reserve.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Pavel, @*WilliamM* likely suspects you are describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or bipolar, which is why he asked me to take a look at your thread. *WilliamM* knows that I usually write about those two issues because my exW is a BPDer and my foster son has bipolar-1. 

I agree with *WilliamM* that you are describing several symptoms for BPD. Specifically, the emotional instability, verbal abuse, paranoia, insecurity, black-white thinking, temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between loving you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting that your W has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person whose behavior is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum.



PavelVan10! said:


> She told me that my mother can do no wrong in my eyes and that she is somehow plotting to have my wife removed from the picture.


Your W is portraying herself as a victim -- being victimized both by your Mother and by you (because you won't abandon your Mother). BPDers have such unstable, weak egos that they often feel like they don't know who they really are. To the extent they have a lasting self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." 

This means that you will be allowed to play only two roles: that of "The Rescuer" and "The Perpetrator." Significantly, both of those roles "validate" her false self image of being "The Victim" because, if she were not a victim, you wouldn't be trying so hard to rescue her (during courtship) or to persecute her (after the wedding).

If your W has mild to moderate BPD traits, you can improve your relationship by validating her feelings, i.e., by making it clear that you recognize her feelings are very real and she will be held accountable only for her actions, not her feelings. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits, all the validation in the world won't make much difference until the BPDer has had several years of intensive therapy. 



> Most of my issues stem from an unhealthy/weird relationship I have with my mother.


On the contrary, you are describing a healthy loving relationship with your mother. If your W is a BPDer, she has a great fear of abandonment. Indeed, _"Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment"_ is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. This fear of abandonment is so intense that it will distort her perceptions of your intentions and motivations. This fear typically will manifest itself in such behaviors as irrational jealousy and repeated attempts to isolate you away from your family members and close friends. Any time you choose to spend visiting family and friends will be perceived by a BPDer as you choosing THEM over HER.



> I’m afraid to be in the same room with other women (including my own mother) because of the allegations that arise.


If your W is a BPDer, her abandonment fear is so great that she will perceive threats even where they don't exist. Moreover, because a BPDer has a fragile sense of self identity, she sorely needs your strong personality around to help stabilize and ground her sense of self. This is one reason that BPDers generally HATE to live alone for very long.



> I feel the need to look down, not let my eyes wander anywhere and not speak to anyone because of the potential fight that could arise.


Likewise, my BPDer exW would get upset if she caught me looking at another woman for a second instead of a half-second. And she would get upset whenever I walked in front of her a few steps on a crowded narrow sidewalk. She misinterpreted it as evidence that I was ashamed to be seen with her and thus was planning to leave.



> She told me that the hour 45-60 minutes I spend after work exercising impedes our relationship and that body makes her feel uncomfortable.


If she has a great fear of abandonment, any activity that enhances your attractiveness to other women will be perceived as a serious threat to her.



> I find it hard to be intimate or caring towards her when she says such nasty things to me. I am then accused of being distant.


If she is a BPDer, she has a second great fear: that of engulfment, a suffocating feeling of being controlled and losing one's own identity inside the partner's strong personality. Although BPDers usually crave intimacy like nearly every other adult, they cannot tolerate it for very long because they have weak personal boundaries and a very weak sense of identity. It therefore is common, immediately after an intimate evening or in the middle of a great vacation, for the BPDer to create a fight -- over absolutely nothing -- to push you away.

Sadly, you will find yourself in a no-win predicament because her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at the opposite ends of the _very same_ spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation. As you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Indeed, she may feel like she is disappearing into your strong personality. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. 

Sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist. 



> She told me that my mother... hates her.... She has a lot of unnecessary hatred for the lady who raised me.


_"Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions"_ is one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD.



> She thinks all men cheat and that anytime I go out with friends after hockey or baseball that we are picking up women or going to strip clubs.


If your W is a BPDer, her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip very quickly from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And an hour or a week later, they can flip back again just as quickly. 

These rapid flips arise from _"black-white thinking."_ Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). Because your W sees no redeeming qualities in your Mother, it sounds like your W has split your Mother black -- perceiving of her as "all bad" and "against me."

Black-white thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...." In this incident you describe, your W is claiming that ALL men cheat and, whenever you meet with friends, you ALWAYS are "picking up women or going to strip clubs."



> If I return the question, she snaps and hints that I think she’s a fat lazy slob. If I ask her what she had for lunch she blows up and tells me I think she is fat.


_"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger"_ is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD. If your W is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in only ten seconds over very minor actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

Hence, If she is a BPDer, you will start feeling like you're oftentimes walking on eggshells around her -- to avoid triggering her anger. This enabling behavior is harmful to both of you. That's why the best-selling BPD book is titled, _Stop Walking on Eggshells_.



> We have probably had sex 5 times in the last 6 months.


In BPDer marriages, it is common for sexual activity to go off a cliff right after the wedding. The main reason is the BPDer's great fear of engulfment which is triggered by intimacy. During the courtship period, however, it is common for BPDers to frequently engage in intense and passionate sex. They are able to do that because their infatuation convinces them that the partner is the nearly perfect mate who has arrived to rescue them from unhappiness. In this way, the infatuation holds the two fears at bay. Yet, when it starts to evaporate -- usually about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- the two fears return.



> She told me I pressure her into sex; which has never been the case.


As noted earlier, whenever a BPDer experiences intense feelings her perceptions of your intentions and motivations are severely distorted. This is largely why BPD symptoms almost always are invisible to the person exhibiting them. Moreover, a BPDer's subconscious mind works 24/7 to protect her fragile ego by projecting all the painful feelings and bad thoughts onto her partner. 

That pain is much easier to bear when the BPDer believes it is originating from outside his body. Significantly, because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, the BPDer is convinced -- at a conscious level -- that YOU are the source of the pain and misfortunes. The result is that a BPDer usually will BELIEVE the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. And a week or a month later when she is claiming the exact opposite, she likely will believe that nonsense too. 

These thought distortions are so common in BPDers that their abused partners have given it a name: "rewriting history." On the other hand, if your W is deliberately trying to deceive and manipulate, you are seeing a symptom for narcissism or sociopathy -- not for BPD.



> If you could please offer your honest opinion on how I can potentially fix this or whether or not I should walk away now.


If your W actually does suffer from strong traits of BPD, there is no way for you to fix it. Indeed, a team of psychologists cannot fix it unless the patient is strongly motivated to fix herself. I therefore suggest that, if you are undecided about divorcing her, you consult with a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you are dealing with. 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). 

Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, and irrational jealousy.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic marriage and avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to join *WilliamM* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Pavel.


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## SkylarG (Dec 15, 2016)

I would like to share my opinion. 

First, hang in there. Marriage is hard and these are the times we learn from our spouses. Also, sorry to break to you but if you survive this rough patch there will be another. It’s part of marriage. All marriages will go through rough patches. 

I’ve came a long way in my marriage. I’ve grown a lot mind set wise. I would of never known I would become the woman I am today if it wasn’t for my marriage. 

Ok, now back to you. It seems like your wife is feeling insecure. It’s common for a lot of women. Now the way your wife is handling I do not agree but it’s her way and we should respect that. She has a lot to learn and that takes time. Actually both of you have a lot to learn. What I would suggest for you to do is keep calm especially during an argument. Try to ask her why she feels this way? Or if you have done something to make her feel the way she feels? When you ask questions like this you are playing reverse psychology. When she accuses you of mommy issues. Ask her why she thinks that? Or why she believes your cheating on her? You might be surprise to hear her answer. I know your angry with her and might even feel like walking away (which you have the right to). But I would suggest before you do that TRY everything. Trust me. For example, try to give her more compliments or simply take her with you when you help your mother.

Most of all focus on the happy times. Pray for patients, and try to become a new you. What I mean by that is that people will treat you how you allowed them to treat you. If she yells don’t yell. If she calls you names don’t do it back. 

Ps. I hope I’m making sense and I know it’s easier said than done. I’ve been where you have been hell sometimes I feel like my marriage takes one step forward and two steps back. I’ve talk to many married couple with 30 plus years up their sleeves and all of them have been through tribulations. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> William, thank you for your point. However, I have qualifications in mental health, mental health awareness and basic counselling qualifications.
> 
> *Advice on divorce may be premature at this time*, though is an option to be kept in reserve.


I disagree. Pavel, you've been married for 5 months and found yourself in an abusive sexless marriage. You've got a bunch of people on this thread telling you she's probably mentally ill and giving you advice on how to help her fix herself. Let me give you some alternative advice: Jump off the crazy train. Divorce her and don't look back, and for your next relationship don't ignore warning signs.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I’m just a lay person. I’ve educated myself in some areas of psychology, but since my wife’s illness is pathological lying I have really only studied that.

My wife was assessed by several shrinks over the years. They all agreed on her diagnosis. Some things you just have to face.

You need to get your wife into see professionals.

Please be well.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Having lived overseas I can tell you that there are a lot of places where parents and in-laws are pretty much immediate family. There is nothing wrong with that. Personalty I think you may have married the wrong person. If you don't don't want to risk going through 10 years of hell you might want to remedy that situation now since you don't have kids, but it's up to you.


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## haveandhold (Jan 15, 2018)

PavelVan10! said:


> I do realize that I’m by no means perfect. Like everyone I have many flaws


What are they???

I have only been on this message forum for about a week and I am already seeing a major pattern. People come here to complain about everything that is wrong with their significant other. If these posts are to be believed, it is a forum of saints that are being persecuted by sociopaths that they blindly fell in love with. It is extremely one sided. I am sure that your wife would tell us a completely different tale. 

What is your part in all of this?


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