# Full Control of Finances by wife



## 1979Lost (Jun 19, 2018)

Hi Guys,
I need some advice regarding my relationship. Me and my wife have been in a relationship for nearly 10 years. I was very bad at managing my finance's. I was under debt and stuff. My wife took control and sorted it out. Debt free, working full time and at present father of a 2 and half year old son. We saved up to get our own flat.
I am 39 years and for a last couple of years I been trying to convince my wife that I can look after my finance's now. She not having it. 
We have a joint account in which both salaries come (I earn more than my wife). After the expenses the rest goes into saving account managed by my wife. I have a credit card which I can use for household expenditures. Any other expenditures I need to ask and get approval otherwise I can not get the money. My parents live abroad and would like to go and see them. My mum is old and suffering from the C. I have been trying to convince her to give me the money so I can travel. She not allowing it. My son he is being bought up by my mum-in-law in a different country till he goes to nursery as she(wife) thinks we can not look after him and work at the same time.
One last thing to add here I am not allowed to meet my bro''s as they have been a bad influence on me in the past and may change me again.
Please advise who is right or wrong and why. As I would like to have more freedom in my relationship or better to separate which is the LAST option.
Thanks alot in advance


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

You are both right

But your wife is wrong at the same time. 

Some people just cant manage money. They are just too childish and want everything or too impulsive, whatever. So your wife managing your finances is a good thing.

But she sounds like a tyrant. Just because you suck with money doesnt mean she gets to treat you like a child and approve every expense over small household ones. You guys ARE A TEAM. She isnt your coach or your boss. A TEAM. While she may be better with finances it doesnt mean you get zero say.

And to deny you seeing your Mother who has cancer? WTF? I dont know your finances but you would have to be in pretty bad shape financially to not see your potentially terminally ill elderly mother. 

I dont even understand your situation with MiL raising your son in another country. But thats another issue. Or maybe not and shows how controlling your wife really is.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Are you really financially irresponsible? Debt itself isn't necessarily bad. Many of us have loans we are paying back. The problem is if you are spending out of control and racking up debt without a plan to pay it back. But if you just had school/car/house loans and were making the payments, then there's nothing necessarily wrong with that.

From the other things you said, it sounds like your wife is a control freak. She is taking 100% control of the finances, not letting you have any money, controlling who raises your kid (WTF!!!), not allowing you to visit your family (WTF!!!). It's hard to give constructive advice on how to fix this relationship. People like her aren't going to change in any significant way. Any change will need to be forced upon her and involve a lot of conflict.

You *must* take more control of your life. Your post comes across as very passive and you are letting her do all these things. Open a bank account and deposit your paycheck there. For god sake, get your kid back home! If you want to visit your family, visit your family!

My recommendation now is that you need to get out of this relationship if you want your life to be different in any way. Staying with her means things are going to be just like this forever.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First your wife took control of your finances and you are now debt 
free. If your son was with you you would have to pay someone to watch 
him while you work. Your wife may not want to pay for this cost. You need 
to talk with your wife about taking back control of your assets. Since it has been 
10 years since your wife has managed the family finances she has gotten use to it.

If you separate who do you think will get most of the assets ? Probably your wife.
Who will pay child support ? You. Your money will still be going to her and your son.
Try and set up an account and tell your wife why. You do not need her permission 
to do this. She will get upset but it is up to you to show her you have changed.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First off, kudos to your wife for taking the reigns on the finances to get things under control for the both of you. That's a mighty hard and awesome task! However, it might be time for her to loosen her grip a little.

Are you still bad at managing money, or have you learned some lessons, and gotten things under control for yourself in this regard? If you're still not able to do this, then I would say that your wife is in the right to remain captain in regards to you guy's finances. If you ARE able to look after your own in a responsible manner, however, I believe that she is in the wrong here to continue to control things.

Your post as a whole suggests that your wife is a bit of a control freak, and you don't like standing up to her. The statement that really got me in your post was that she doesn't allow you to do certain things. Really?!!? For her to not allow you to see your family is ridiculous, and it's cruel for her to not allow you to go see your Mom who has cancer. I can tell you that if my partner didn't allow me to do things like visiting my family and friends, he would no longer be my partner.

Have you sat her down and openly talked to her about things like this? What does she have to say?

As for your son being raised by your MIL in another country, huh??? That doesn't even make a little bit of sense, nor does your wife's reasoning behind it. And, while Grandma probably loves her Grandson to death, I'm sure she's less than thrilled about having to raise him.


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## 1979Lost (Jun 19, 2018)

Thanks for your reply. Finance's are ok in fact good have over £5000 in bank and have got our own place. I am confident I can manage my accounts my self now.


QUOTE=Middle of Everything;19592313]You are both right

But your wife is wrong at the same time. 

Some people just cant manage money. They are just too childish and want everything or too impulsive, whatever. So your wife managing your finances is a good thing.

But she sounds like a tyrant. Just because you suck with money doesnt mean she gets to treat you like a child and approve every expense over small household ones. You guys ARE A TEAM. She isnt your coach or your boss. A TEAM. While she may be better with finances it doesnt mean you get zero say.

And to deny you seeing your Mother who has cancer? WTF? I dont know your finances but you would have to be in pretty bad shape financially to not see your potentially terminally ill elderly mother. 

I dont even understand your situation with MiL raising your son in another country. But thats another issue. Or maybe not and shows how controlling your wife really is.[/QUOTE]


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## 1979Lost (Jun 19, 2018)

Thanks for your kind words. I try to speak to her and ask for my right and all I get is she ready to walk out. If I get out our son will suffer. We do not have any debt apart from the mortgage we pay for our flat.

QUOTE=wilson;19592315]Are you really financially irresponsible? Debt itself isn't necessarily bad. Many of us have loans we are paying back. The problem is if you are spending out of control and racking up debt without a plan to pay it back. But if you just had school/car/house loans and were making the payments, then there's nothing necessarily wrong with that.

From the other things you said, it sounds like your wife is a control freak. She is taking 100% control of the finances, not letting you have any money, controlling who raises your kid (WTF!!!), not allowing you to visit your family (WTF!!!). It's hard to give constructive advice on how to fix this relationship. People like her aren't going to change in any significant way. Any change will need to be forced upon her and involve a lot of conflict.

You *must* take more control of your life. Your post comes across as very passive and you are letting her do all these things. Open a bank account and deposit your paycheck there. For god sake, get your kid back home! If you want to visit your family, visit your family!

My recommendation now is that you need to get out of this relationship if you want your life to be different in any way. Staying with her means things are going to be just like this forever.[/QUOTE]


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## 1979Lost (Jun 19, 2018)

Thanks alot.


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## 1979Lost (Jun 19, 2018)

Thanks alot for your help. I am confident I can manage now. I work full time clock up overtime.She knows but will not let me . She says I will spend or send money to my family (parents back home) if it is out of her sight. I spoke to her many times. We fight as I want my basic right. But she says she will walk out and I think my son will suffer. I been to see my son in her country 4 times in last 3 years. While flying over my home country😔. Not allowed to see my parents as it is considered dangerous country according to her. SHE HAS VISITED AND STAYED IN THIS DANGEROUS COUNTRY FOR 10 DAYS WITHOUT ANY PROBLEM. My home country is Pakistan. She is from Vietnam. We live in L......



Ursula said:


> First off, kudos to your wife for taking the reigns on the finances to get things under control for the both of you. That's a mighty hard and awesome task! However, it might be time for her to loosen her grip a little.
> 
> Are you still bad at managing money, or have you learned some lessons, and gotten things under control for yourself in this regard? If you're still not able to do this, then I would say that your wife is in the right to remain captain in regards to you guy's finances. If you ARE able to look after your own in a responsible manner, however, I believe that she is in the wrong here to continue to control things.
> 
> ...


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