# One way or another?



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I was looking at alot of people's posts on TAM and was thinking how do you decide if the marriage is worth fighting for? 

I have posted in the Going through divorce or seperation section of TAM about my situation (short version - H left me and said he didn't love me anymore after one year and 6 months of marriage).

My H doesn't want to even talk to me though so should I just leave it and not try to save the marriage? I mean I am trying to not contact him and focus on me instead, but I keep thinking what if I don't call or text him and miss a chance to save the marriage? Or should I just try to forget him and move on?

I keep thinking about everything and how things could be with him or without him. Some days I am focused on me thinking about my plans and future then I feel low and sad and think about him and if I should do anything and contact him?

It's like a big debate inside my head, I just was wondering if anyone was or is in a stituation like this? and if you decided to make contact or wait to see if they contacted you?


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

He doesn't love you he won't talk to you and you've only been married 1.5 years.

Nothing worth saving here.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for your reply. I know we haven't been married long but we have been together for a total of five years so but just not sure if I should let it go? 

Would anyone else agree with that? Opinions really appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I doubt that as a group of outside observers we could make that kind of judgment call for you based on a couple paragraphs of text.

What was going on those 1.5 years? Were you both happy? Was this out of the blue?

Ultimately you need to decide if it is worth fighting for. It sounds like he gave up. He is out. So, if you want to fight for it, you need to figure out where his head is at. If he isn't going to talk to you, the deck is stacked heavily against you. 

Good luck which ever way to you decide.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I am so sorry for you...wish I could give you a hug in support...I read your background post but wonder how long have you been separated? Is H still with OW? He sounds like he is in deep affair fog and won't be out of it until their relationship ends. Not much you can do about that. I agree with the other posters about the 180...no begging, crying, pleading while he is still involved. Talk to your lawyer, doesn't English law have a "no contest" type divorce? At any rate, he abandoned the marriage: that should mean something. You sound very young, have you considered that you may have married prematurely? Living with parents may indicate, neither one of you had the financial or emotional resources to start a life together...no offence meant. I second the advice of the others: work on yourself..NO ONE can make you happy, happiness and peace come from within. In time, when you find yourself relying on your own inner strength, you will find someone else to share your life with...believe me, even if he comes back to you with his tail between his legs, reconciliation is at best difficult and there will always be a taint to your marriage which I don't think can ever be forgotten. Forgiven, yes, but the stain always on your heart. If I were young with no children, I would consider starting anew...but fully support you if you make the decision to fight for your marriage...


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thanks for your replies.

Acoa - We have been together a total of five years out of which we have been married for 1 year 6 months. Things were really good after we got married we were so happy, but then my H started acting strange and it was like something inside him had snapped. He told me getting married was the problem, we fixed things and were happy again. But in January this year he started acting the same again, being distant from me. He drifted further and further away from me and started texting a woman from work. So tbh we were having problems when he ended it, so it wasn't totally out of the blue but at the same time I didn't think it would end.

Allwillbewell - Thank you, I have definitely been feeling emotional lately having ups and downs. I don't if he is with the OW, when I confronted him about it he said nothing had happened so I am not sure. I will go and see a solicitor as I think there might be another ground I could use which is behaviour, but I would have to place the blame on my H. 

And yes, I think we got married quite young at the time it seemed right but hindsight is a wonderful thing. I was committed 100% and felt getting married wouldn't change things. But for my H it changed things in his head, I could see it was affecting him. Before my H ended things, we even talked about getting divorced and still being together just as we were before. 

I know what everyone has said on here is true, that I need to focus on me and make my life good. And I am trying to get my life sorted, find a job, have a goal at the end of it all. But there is a constant fear in my mind that I will be alone from now on  I miss my H and sharing our happiness together. I think inside me I have hope for R but at the same time I'm afraid of being rejected. I do really want closure so I can fully move on, but feel like I don't want to regret anything.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Strong switching of emotions. Some possibilities would be that he did something he feels guilty about, but won't tell you. His guilt and shame can come out odd like that. He may possible be bi-polar and going through mood swings from maniac to depressive. Maybe there is something you did that bothers him but he is unwilling to confront you. 

Just a shotgun blast of ideas for you to think on. Moods don't typically change that rapidly without some type of trigger.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Acoa thank you for your reply. Yes I think that he is feeling guilty, but I don't know if you have seen my other thread in the Going through divorce and separation section of TAM, well I posted today in that thread. I saw my H has changed his facebook profile picture to one of him and the ow he was texting before. They are so cosy and together it has really hurt me and made me think twice about R. I think he clearly doesn't want to even bother, it hurts so much I can't believe he has moved on this quick. I really hoped there was a chance for R but now this has happened. I knew this would eventually happen but he has moved on so soon. 

Now it's like reality has finally but me in the face, I feel so low now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Hi OP,

Putting a picture of him and her on facebook clearly states that he has moved on. I can imagine that you feel really awful at the moment but you will get through this. Time is a great healing factor. And don't fear about being alone...there are plenty of online dating sites that you can try out once you feel ready to move forward again.

I wish you lots of inner peace


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

This sentence from your prior post really jumped out at me, "He told me getting married was the problem, we fixed things and were happy again." That seems like a really intense thing for him to say, that getting married was the problem. How exactly did you guys "fix" that? I'm not sure how you fix that kind of a "problem" without undoing the marriage? What did he need that the boundaries of marriage wouldn't allow??

And yes, if he is posting pictures publicly of himself and the other woman, that means he is done. That relationship too will run it's course and who knows how he'll feel about your marriage then, but that relationship is doomed. Adulterous relationships like that never work out. Waiting it out can be very painful too though. (I had to wait about three years)


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thanks for your replies.

Hibiscus - Thank you, I really hope time will help. I know everyone says in time I will feel better so I hope this will be the case.

Cdbaker - I think I thought we 'fixed' things but I don't think we ever really did. My H told me that marriage was the problem he wanted things to be how they were before when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Tbh I didn't see any difference between being boyfriend and girlfriend and being husband and wife. But it really seemed to mess with my H's head, whatever I tried he would always fall back to the same point which was marriage was the problem and was ruining our relationship. 

I told him we could stop wearing our wedding rings, stop calling each other H and W and just being how were before, it seemed to work and he was happier I think. But then he went back to his old thinking pattern and was distant from me. I blame getting married as something which led to the end of our relationship, but at the same time I don't want to regret a decision we made for the rest of my life. To me maybe getting married wasn't right for us at that time but our relationship was so worth fighting for. Clearly a five year relationship doesn't mean anything to him and shows what type of person he really is. I can't believe how he can act like this


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

This sounds like a case of complete and utter immaturity on his part. Not wearing the rings or calling your spouse "wife" or "husband" doesn't change anything other than maybe making you feel more available/presentable to people other than your spouse. He's upset about being married because he realized he doesn't like that he can't just easily break up to go after someone else if he gets the inkling to do so, or that he'll be an adulterer if he does so otherwise. It's immaturity through and through.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Cdbaker thanks for your reply. And yes, I feel that he has been so immature trying to run away from marriage. What hurts is that he went into marriage with me, I didn't force him up the aisle. But at the same time I worry if it was my fault and can't help blamming msyelf and regretting getting married


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