# Filed for a divorce



## lookingforafriend (Feb 10, 2011)

I have been married for 28 years, raised 2 children, put them through college and now 1 of them is getting married. Both kids [1 girl/1boy] were into sports and my husband & I had to contend separetly on occassion. No big deal. However, when the kids went to college we found ourselves or should I say me, found myself looking at him and not knowing him. Going back a little bit, we would snowmobile, owned boats, yadayadayada. Sounds perfect right? Well it got to the point where all he wanted to do is play hockey. My husband was always into hockey but now I was invisible. All he wanted to do was be with the guys. And it all started when he joined a mens league one day a week, then it went to a mens golf outing... one day a week. Before I knew, I was arguing with him all the time to the point I filed for divorce last Feb. We are now going on 1 year and things have not gotten any better. We are still in the same house, still going to court and I watch him carry on without a care in the world. I have anxiety attacks, cry a lot and dont know where to turn. I have no one to talk to, and I lost all my friends while raising my children. And if thats not bad, its amazing how when you tell an anquitencec, you've lost them to. No one wants to hear about it or talk to you. No money to do anything and stuck walking in cirlce. Any thoughts?????


----------



## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

Hi 

I am no good for advise but I would love to chat online


----------



## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Friend - You're not alone!

Do not lose hope. 

What have you done differently to try and save this?

You've already found that arguing, yelling, crying - does not work with him. 

Have you tried going to some of his events? It's seems like his top need is Recreational Companionship. Have you tried getting involved with things he likes? Asking him to show you how to skate, play hockey, golf?

All is not lost though. He's still in the house with you.

He may not know how to make you happy. He may not even want to make you happy. But that's OK for now.

What have you done to make yourself attractive to him?

Have you been through some good pro-marriage counseling? Not jointly but at least by yourself.

If you have not - then you owe it to yourself to look into it. There are a number of wonderful resources out here - a lot of free information. Marriage Builders (Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice) is one. They do offer counseling but they also offer so much more information that is eye opening. 

I was a bit like your husband, although younger I think (I'm 45). I neglected my wife, she neglected me as a result we drifted apart over the last 10 years. She managed to wake me up in December 2009. She casually mentioned to me that at the end of the school year she was taking the kids to her parents and not coming back. 

I was consumed with work and online games. I paid no attention to my wife or children or anything else for that matter. I thought my job was to make the money and that was it. I was wrong - the money was important but not as important as me being there for my family. 

We're still in recovery. I slip some days but it gets better every day. 

At first after the shock wore off, I realized that I did not want the option my wife was making happen. In all this time while I was in my fog - she got a job, she opened her own bank accounts. I was still bitter and resentful that while I was being forced to change - her attitudes did not. But I decided to take the high road and be humble and submitted myself to God, my wife and my children. I started doing those things that she wanted. That meant I had to observe and listen and investigate what she wanted and needed. 

This was hard to do, because at this time she was hostile towards me and did not believe my words. I had to show her with actions. I worked hard and still do - every day. She would not even tell me what she wanted or needed. I had to figure it out. 

I was lucky - I did figure it out. We spend more time together daily now than when we first got married. It is wonderful! I never thought that I would ever have those feelings for her. She has come 180 with me as well. If i don't come to bed now - she comes and hunts me down. If I leave in the middle of the night (usually because my arthritis hurts really bad)- she hunts me down. 

Wha I'm trying to say is that one person can save a marriage. It's hard - very hard but it is so worth it!

Take that first step. Stop the divorce proceedings. Go and educate yourself and work on what you need to have good self esteem. Read on what it takes for a great relationship. I think your husband will come around in time. 

Some other resources - go to the library and get Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Wonderful book - eye opening as well. 

Go to Affaircare.com - don't let the name fool you - lots of free information there as well. 

One last thought - go out and make new friends too. (Same gender preferably) Get out and volunteer too. Involve yourself in your childrens' lives. Call them, talk to them - get their opinion too.

God Bless and Good Luck! and hey - you're never alone - that's your choice!


----------

