# Tell me the truth men!



## lovey1 (Jul 21, 2019)

We’ve been married for 26 years and our sex life has been very hot sometimes and others meh. I’m really ready to explore more specifically anal, and perhaps adding toys. He called me a sex fiend and said it’s not his thing. OK. Then how do we liven it up?

I did struggle with initiation, and I’m piping up more frequently, but I really want more and I don’t know how to convince him. Help!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sometimes easing into the situation can lighten them up. By yourself a sex toy and use it as you please. After a while it will "normalize" with him.
Some people don't get accustomed to new things easily especially when it comes to sexuality. 

You should try the ladies forum. They usually have some good ideas.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I think, from my perspective, that @Mr.Married is right.... just keep on initiating, seducing, and slowly, he may become more interested. Many of us here would like to be in his shoes


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We were just talking about something similar. If after 28 years we haven’t tried something it’s highly likely we really don’t want to do it. We too need to liven things up. I’m not so sure we need to add things or revisit things we liked in the past. For us, I think we need to focus on the space between our ears.

For you, take the lead, keep it up but keep it fun. If he thinks you’re a fiend it’s going that’s going to be hard. Good luck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People vary in their level of desire for sex, both in frequency and in variety. It seems like a fairly innate characteristic that isn't easily changed. The imbalance can be frustrating.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

lovey1 said:


> We’ve been married for 26 years ....... I’m really ready to explore more specifically anal, and perhaps adding toys. He called me a sex fiend and said it’s not his thing. OK. Then how do we liven it up?
> 
> ...I don’t know how to convince him. Help!


First accept that he loves you and doesn't want to hurt yo physically or emotionally.

Second understand that you can't unilaterally change him. He gets to decide what happens to his body.

That doesn't mean you can't discuss things with him to better understand his fears, concerns, etc. What does he mean when he says "it is not his thing?" Is he afraid he will hurt you? Is he afraid of fecal matter on his penis? Is he afraid of getting or giving you a UTI? Does he think is is sinful or an unnatural (possibly homosexual) act? Doe he just prefer other forms of sex? Has he tried anal before with someone else and found it a horrible mistake...if so what happened?

To really discuss such things he has to trust that what he says will not be judged and that you won't use what he says against him. If you can really understand his fears, then you might be able to suggest ways you can get some of what you want in a way that he can live with.

If his fear is fecal matter, maybe you can do an enema to clean yourself out. If his fear is a UTI, perhaps a condom will be enough. Talk, but mostly listen to his fears. Once you have learned his fears you can research them and later as if you can try a few things.

If this is a hard boundary on his part ask him if he has some other set fantasies you might be able to role play.

Good luck.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The core of your question is how to talk someone into doing something he doesn't want to do.

I think this is a tough one because many people have a visceral response to what you are desiring and would never consider it. I'm one of those people. There is absolutely nothing my husband could ever say or do for me to do that. I find it unhealthy and utterly disgusting. But if your husband isn't of that mindset, you can find out what is unappealing about it and see if you can resolve those issues. However, if he finds it to be an unhealthy, filthy practice you aren't going to change his mind and should drop it an move on.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Were these issues ever touched on in the years yous twos have been together? If not....very uphill climb.

I always bring up the fact I like to do different things in the bedroom. But would I have said as much in

detail if I got M in my early 20s..... probably not. The one thing current g/f states is, -I'm cool with

most, we can discuss others before initiating. But when the definition of the act becomes more

important than the two people participating, it's a hells-2-the-no-

I can respect that. OP have you considered romantic porn? Yes there is such a thing.

Would he consider it?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Everyone is free to say no to sexual acts, but to call the person who suggested it a sex fiend is uncalled for. It's also destructive, since many people wouldn't feel like suggesting anything after that, and maybe they were next going to suggest something the spouse would like.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Well, my advice may seem very backwards in light of your question ... but it's effectively the same advice I give guys in the reverse of your circumstances. 

Work on you, outside of the bedroom, apart, and separate from him.

Don't exercise? Start. Want to take up salsa dancing? Do it. And don't run it by him. Change how you dress. Get a radically different hair cut than your norm. 

Disengagement and self improvement when it works at its best, accomplishes a few things. You either discover new things about yourself, or grow even more comfortable in your own skin, and ... with those kinds of changes generally comes curiosity on the part of your partner. If they aren't either mildly interested in, or mildly annoyed by what you are doing ... you have bigger problems than whats going on in the bedroom.

All comes down to the same thing. You and your husband have built a dynamic over the last 2 decades. You want to change it. Sounds like he is comfortably nestled right where he is. So ... one of you needs to make a move.

Simple point being, I believe, that change in the bedroom, starts well outside of the bedroom. You can't make him go where you want to go, but you can invite him along, and make the journey look intriguing.


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## lovey1 (Jul 21, 2019)

Thanks for acknowledging his poor use of ‘sex fiend’. He used to call me sexually repressed. So now, I’m no longer repressed and I’m on board for more. He loves me for sure and my love for him is immeasurable.

I actually felt judged and embarrassed when he called me a sex fiend. Recovery from this statement feels like a punch in the gut.


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## lovey1 (Jul 21, 2019)

This is really great! I’ll work on me!


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## lovey1 (Jul 21, 2019)

The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!

Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.

I got into oral sex for him when I initially viewed this as a ‘filthy and disgusting’ act. He convinced me when he said, “Don’t you want to please your man?”. I did want to please him and then I just did it. So there’s precedence. However, no matter the issue what YOU wouldn’t do really isn’t on the table is it?

I’m confused, I thought the rules said, “No judgement”...FAIL


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

lovey1 said:


> The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!
> 
> Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.
> 
> ...


It's ok if you wanted to post here, but I don't know that our POV matters more than the womens' does. I agree there should be No Judgment, at least for stuff that is ethical and safe, and what you suggested is.

You do need to be a little careful if you're going the anal penetration route, but it can be done safely.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

lovey1 said:


> Thanks for acknowledging his poor use of ‘sex fiend’. He used to call me sexually repressed. So now, I’m no longer repressed and I’m on board for more. He loves me for sure and my love for him is immeasurable.
> 
> I actually felt judged and embarrassed when he called me a sex fiend. Recovery from this statement feels like a punch in the gut.


Tone, body language, and context of the conversation can't ever be known here. How you take a comment's meaning doesn't make it how the comment was meant to be taken. None of us were there. Have you talked to him about that comment? If it hurt you, bring it up for clarification. 

Just sayin, ive gotten "into trouble" for a comment taken out of the context I was trying to deliver it in. My fault for not making it clear I guess, but assigning meaning to another person's words without clarification is one's own fault. 


As for the other stuff, express it the same way he did to you. "Don't you want to please your woman?" Turn that line around on him and remind him how you've done the same for him. Then discuss it with HIM. Not sure how we would help you. 


Finally, get over what others think. Maybe 1 or 2 women on this forum would put up with my ****, possibly none of them. Doesn't matter, my wife puts up with my ****.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovey1 said:


> The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!


Here on TAM, both men and women post in every forum. For example, typically if you post in the women's forum, more men post there than women.

I think that the woman who posted her POV about anal sex was equating her feelings about it to your husband's feels about it. The point? Basically that some people have very strong feelings about doing these things and sometimes we need to respect that this is who they are.



lovey1 said:


> Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.
> 
> I got into oral sex for him when I initially viewed this as a ‘filthy and disgusting’ act. He convinced me when he said, “Don’t you want to please your man?”. I did want to please him and then I just did it. So there’s precedence. However, no matter the issue what YOU wouldn’t do really isn’t on the table is it?


It sounds like you have been more open to him pushing you beyond your limits for a long time. Is he this ridged on other things and not take your suggestions? 



lovey1 said:


> I’m confused, I thought the rules said, “No judgement”...FAIL


Talking about one's own feelings about a sex act is not judgement of you, the OP (original poster).

If you are going to continue to post on TAM, I suggest that you learn to reply to others respectfully as this type of mean spirted response is against forum rules.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

lovey1 said:


> Thanks for acknowledging his poor use of ‘sex fiend’. He used to call me sexually repressed. So now, I’m no longer repressed and I’m on board for more. He loves me for sure and my love for him is immeasurable.
> 
> I actually felt judged and embarrassed when he called me a sex fiend. Recovery from this statement feels like a punch in the gut.


What has been his attitude toward sex over the years? He called you repressed before - was he more adventuresome than you during that time? Or did he just want it more often?

When he called you a "sex fiend" this time, do you know why? Was it what you were suggesting? The frequency of your desire for sex now? The fact that you want to spice things up?

And did he say it in a judgmental way or was he maybe joking that he suddenly "has a little sex fiend on his hands" which is usually not a bad thing to most men...

Could he be resentful of times in the past when he wanted more sex and more variety and you were resistant?

If his problem is just this one sex act, and not the frequency you want or the idea of spicing things up, it seems there could be a lot of things to try. Knowing WHAT his objection to it is, is important. Some other things you could try might be:

Blin
dfolds and one of you tying the other one up
New positions (if your bodies are flexible, LOL
TOYS!!! Except I think you suggested that and he said no, but maybe you could start with something of your own like someone suggested.
You wearing lingerie and trying to seduce him (though I suppose that would feel pretty humiliating if he wasn't interested.)
What about you taking some sexy pictures of yourself in lingerie and texting them to him with a sexy message (unless he'd be upset you unleashed that into digital space). 
Giving him a luxurious back, hand, or foot rub
Writing him a naughty poem or writing down a sexual fantasy of yours about him like it's a story
Taking a bath together if you have a big enough tub
Role playing - meeting up at a bar but pretending you don't know each other (if he'd try that).
Or just going out somewhere romantic with music and slow dancing like highschoolers.
Wearing a skirt then taking your panties off in the car and smiling at him right before you get out. Or wearing whatever you want but no panties and then on the way to where you're going telling him "I have a secret..." then handing him a really sexy pair of undies then say "I'm not wearing any panties..."
DANG! I'm getting myself all hot and bothered! I need to keep this list of ideas for myself even if you don't end up using it, LOL.

PS one thing my man keeps telling me is that he'd love it if I just woke him up for sex in the middle of the night sometime. I said "You say that but whenever I initiate you claim it's not a good time. And he said "I'm not talking about ASKING me, I'm talking about JUST TAKING IT from me." Well alright then! I'm going to stop worrying about depriving him of sleep! Of course if your H called you a fiend, maybe he would not appreciate being woken up to a BJ... But I know a lot of guys claim they would.

PPS I just realized that some of the things on my list are SEXY but don't involve actual SEX. Some of that may be less threatening to him than you wanting a new sex act he's not comfortable with, because it would be you doing something that hopefully would turn him on and get in his head, but it wouldn't put him on the spot to immediately do anything in that moment.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Have you tried anal before? Why do you feel you will like it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

lovey1 said:


> He loves me for sure.


If he loves you, it's a weird way of showing it... are you 100% sure he does? To me, it sounds like he is trying to punish you, somehow...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tell him briefly he gets one, just one, free pass on the calling you a sex fiend thing. You may have taken him by surprise, I don't know the context. 

And this is a lighthearted conversation at least for now, as you tell him of the free pass. Make sure he understands the seriousness of hiw you'll take it, if he continues to choose the wrong words as you press on.

Then, lighthearted still, tell him you still want to try it, or more kink/fetish activities, include you're not saying things are bad by no means, you just want to try some more things, as he's mentioned. 

He may have some true, some false, conception about anal, be prepared with info as you see fit. Preparation for this action can be considered actions that remove preconceptions and increase pleasure for all.

Remember you've been married a long time, you two can have a good conversation about sex. If two spouses in a M ltr can't talk about sex, that's an issue. 

I mean, two folks who are supposed to have sex the rest of their lives with only each other, must be able to talk about it. Especially after 26 yrs.

If he's a no go, hard line, still get the toys you want, and incorporate them in love making as you see fit.

You don't need his permission to try some new things, if you will.

Remember you're at minimum 50% of those involved in your bedroom encounters in a marriage. Your opinions and desires are just as valid as his. 

It may be necessary to ease him into this, but if you want to try it, he should at least think of you and give it a try.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What you want is not unusual, nor does it make you a sex fiend. Lots of couples do that. The problem is that there are also lots of couples who *don't* do that. 

Unfortunately many people have hang-ups and they are difficult to change. 

Are there any sexual things he has asked for that you are not comfortable doing?






lovey1 said:


> We’ve been married for 26 years and our sex life has been very hot sometimes and others meh. I’m really ready to explore more specifically anal, and perhaps adding toys. He called me a sex fiend and said it’s not his thing. OK. Then how do we liven it up?
> 
> I did struggle with initiation, and I’m piping up more frequently, but I really want more and I don’t know how to convince him. Help!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think everyone should be allowed to have some hard NO's when it comes to sex. I'm a woman and I would not call you filthy or disgusting because you want to give it a try. Not by a long shot. And no, I'm not really into it but I can respect that others might be into it. I'm not into bringing extra people into the bedroom either but I can respect that others love it and feel it enhances their sex life with their partner. 

As for getting your husband on board? You could try reminding him that you gave oral a try for his sake so it's his turn to give something a try. It might work out just as well as adding oral did. I can certainly see why a guy might have anal as one of his hard NO's though and you might have to respect that of him and figure something else out.

But, don't assume all women will be judging you for your sexual preferences. As long as everyone is consenting I see no issues with anyone else's desires. I may not share them but since I'm not sleeping with them it really doesn't matter if I share them.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

lovey1 said:


> The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!
> 
> Our whole marriage, he has been rubbing and stimulating my anus externally for his own pleasure whilst I was quiet.
> 
> ...


 I think you're spot on with this post EXCEPT the judging. I think @CynthiaDe was just trying to give you a different perspective, which is good.

I'd say considering myself and the majority of the men that I know and how they would react to your request (like a kid at Christmas) the possibility of your husband having low testosterone is decent. It's cheap to get it checked and well worth the effort. If none of that pans out maybe ask him to see a marriage/sex counselor with you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I think you're spot on with this post EXCEPT the judging. I think @CynthiaDe was just trying to give you a different perspective, which is good.
> 
> I'd say considering myself and the majority of the men that I know and how they would react to your request (like a kid at Christmas) the possibility of your husband having low testosterone is decent. It's cheap to get it checked and well worth the effort. If none of that pans out maybe ask him to see a marriage/sex counselor with you.


One man's Christmas is another man's St. Sebastian's day. My wife offering that to me would be a great big "Meh". 

Low testosterone? Could be just high fecal dislike! A marriage counselor? Sounds a lot like pathologizing a preference to me.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Cletus said:


> One man's Christmas is another man's St. Sebastian's day. My wife offering that to me would be a great big "Meh".
> 
> Low testosterone? Could be just high fecal dislike! A marriage counselor? Sounds a lot like pathologizing a preference to me.





> I'd say considering myself and the majority of the men that I know ...


 Not sure where* you * fit into anything that I posted, but "nice story bro".

If you want to make it about you then fine, but don't quote me and then accuse me of something I didn't do. Just type your thoughts on the matter.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lovey1 said:


> I’m confused, I thought the rules said, “No judgement”...FAIL


I'm sorry you feel judged. That wasn't my point at all. What I am trying to explain is that if your husband finds it disgusting, there is no point in continuing the conversation with him. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with him for not wanting it. People have their preferences and we have to respect their point of view. I used strong language in order to illustrate how some people (myself included) feel about that activity, so if that is how your husband feels about it you would understand his point of view. But if you ask him for his perspective it may be something else entirely and then you may be able to work through it with him.

I can judge and activity without judging a person who is (or wants to be) involved in that activity. I really don't care what you or others are doing, but you asked for opinions and you got one that you apparently found offensive. Forums are a pot luck. Everyone brings something. Take what you want and leave the rest for someone else. :grin2:


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Can you discuss it with him?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lovey1 said:


> We’ve been married for 26 years and our sex life has been very hot sometimes and others meh. I’m really ready to explore more specifically anal, and perhaps adding toys. He called me a sex fiend and said it’s not his thing. OK. Then how do we liven it up?
> 
> I did struggle with initiation, and I’m piping up more frequently, but I really want more and I don’t know how to convince him. Help!


If he doesn't like something why would you pressure him? Its about compromise. Not all men like anal (believe it or not).I am thankful to have a husband who doesn't, as I don't either. If he pressured me I would hate that. 

Find something you BOTH like. Putting pressure on someone to do something that hate is counterproductive and unloving.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> What you want is not unusual, nor does it make you a sex fiend. Lots of couples do that. The problem is that there are also lots of couples who *don't* do that.
> 
> Unfortunately many people have hang-ups and they are difficult to change.
> 
> Are there any sexual things he has asked for that you are not comfortable doing?


Not wanting or liking something surely isn't 'having a hang up'.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wife and I actually had a conversation about kink the other day. We acknowledged that what one person, or couple, equates as kink, may be garden variety vanilla to another.

Kink is a spectrum. And you need to talk about it with your partner to determine where each of you land on the spectrum. From there you can determine Go/No-go zones.

I'm curious if you believe your husband's sex fiend comment was just an awkward retort, or if you believe he used it to shame you and shut down the conversation?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I wouldn’t be “a kid at Christmas” but I’d do it if the W really wanted it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I think you're spot on with this post EXCEPT the judging. I think @CynthiaDe was just trying to give you a different perspective, which is good.
> 
> I'd say considering myself and the majority of the men that I know and how they would react to your request (like a kid at Christmas) the possibility of your husband having low testosterone is decent. It's cheap to get it checked and well worth the effort. If none of that pans out maybe ask him to see a marriage/sex counselor with you.


So if a man doesn't want anal sex he must have low testosterone???


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> Not wanting or liking something isn't 'having a hang up'.


It is if you've never tried it and just don't want to talk about it.

In my opinion, being able to talk openly about sex is as important to the bonding process as actually having it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So if a man doesn't want anal sex he must have low testosterone???



Or he might be gay....I know it’s counter intuitive.....


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Not wanting or liking something surely isn't 'having a hang up'.













My kids love those books.



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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > So if a man doesn't want anal sex he must have low testosterone???
> ...


Straight men like to take women anally. Gay men prefer PIV because a vagina resembles a purse.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> Straight men like to take women anally. Gay men prefer PIV because a vagina resembles a purse.



Exactly my thinking   


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Zing!

And this train is off the tracks. Now, I don't mind, myself, butt others might.
😆😆😆


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So if a man doesn't want anal sex he must have low testosterone???


 Or it could mean he's an alien with a pancake on his head. Lighten up with the defensive strawman bs. 
She said he didn't want to do anal and had *lost some of his drive*. Sounds like low testosterone to me and if it's not it can be ruled out. Is that such a horrible idea?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> Straight men like to take women anally. Gay men prefer PIV because a vagina resembles a purse.


 I hope you don't do the purse shopping for your wife.
Do they have a section for vaginalike purses?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Or it could mean he's an alien with a pancake on his head.


I doubt it. Aliens do a lot of anal probings....my abducted friends tell me...
It’s an awfully long way to travel, just to do some anal play though.   


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Are we talking about pegging? If so, I could understand his reluctance.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I hope you don't do the purse shopping for your wife.
> 
> Do they have a section for vaginalike purses?



My wife has two of these. Not the most elegant though.











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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

H needs a good physical including bloodwork, anyway (a common response, I know) and a flashlight app on his phone.

He'll find his way with both hands.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Meandering folks. Rein it back on in.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Sorry, just waiting for some kind of feedback from OP to give more helpful pointers on how to approach this very tight subject.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Women and anal sex lover here! 
Don’t feel judged, the anal sex part of your post is not the point of your post so don’t be offended if people don’t like it. The point of your post is that you want a specific sexual act and your husband doesn’t want to do it. It doesn’t matter if it’s vaginal,anal,oral, or threesomes. There is only one thing you can do... talk to him about it just like others have suggested. I am guilty of trying to convince all my past and present significant others to let me penetrate them anally... so far no takers. Pun not Intended


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I am guilty of trying to convince all my past and present significant others to let me penetrate them anally... so far no takers. Pun not Intended



Oh wow. This exists? Have you tried abducting my friends? They might be up for it.
More Girl_Power to you! 
Can I ask: What does the woman get out of it? (The one doing the penetrating). Or is it some kind of dominant feminist thing?

—-

To the OP (if that’s a genuine question): if he’s reluctant to do this for you, he may not be that ‘into’ you sexually, unfortunately. It’s just my opinion, take it with several pinches of salt and caramel sauce...The way sexual attraction works with men; I think the more you are into your partner sexually, the more you are willing to do for them sexually, even stuff you don’t normally like doing. ‘Gross’ becomes Bliss (and is perfectly proportional to your sexual attraction).
There’s a small chance he is just overwhelmed with all of it and maybe needs more time, hence his defensive response.



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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> To the OP (if that’s a genuine question): if he’s reluctant to do this for you, he may not be that ‘into’ you sexually, unfortunately... the more you are into your partner sexually, the more you are willing to do for them sexually, even stuff you don’t normally like doing. ‘Gross’ becomes Bliss (and is perfectly proportional to your sexual attraction).


He has low testosterone, he’s gay, or he’s just not that into you.

Or maybe, just maybe, he’s not into anal when there’s a perfectly good vagina available.



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> when there’s a perfectly good vagina available.



We don’t know that...



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> He has low testosterone, he’s gay, or he’s just not that into you.
> 
> Or maybe, just maybe, he’s not into anal when there’s a perfectly good vagina available.
> 
> ...


[/QUOTE]


What proportion of men do you reckon would refuse doing anal if their wife asked them to?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

What proportion of men do you reckon would refuse doing anal if their wife asked them to?


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Don't know but I can tell you that 50% of the men I've been with had no interest in it or were a bit repulsed by the idea. I did have one ex beg me multiple times for it. I never said yes. (I was young and easily skeeved out LOL) He recently told me that for as desperate as he was to try it, he finally got the chance, and didn't like it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

InMyPrime said:


> Oh wow. This exists? Have you tried abducting my friends? They might be up for it.
> More Girl_Power to you!
> Can I ask: What does the woman get out of it? (The one doing the penetrating). Or is it some kind of dominant feminist thing?
> 
> ...




Hmm I don’t know if I can answer this without making myself look bad lol. I like to think of it as an ace in my hand.

I will argue that men are suppose to be penetrated anally more so than women, men have prostates that when stimulated provide pleasure and can cause orgasm. Not to all, but to some, much like a clitoris to a women. 
I would not derive sexual pleasure out of penetrating my SO. BUT theoretically I can give him a pleasure he has never felt before, and that would be satisfying to me in a different way. 
I am very sexually open in some ways, and very sexually closed off in other ways. I have had men in my past suggest sexual things that I am against, and they try to manipulate and make me feel bad about not doing. So now I have the ace in my hand, and I use it against them. Truth be told I would love to penetrate a man, more for power reasons than anything else. But one can argue that men do a lot of sexual things for power reasons.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> Don't know but I can tell you that 50% of the men I've been with had no interest in it or were a bit repulsed by the idea. I did have one ex beg me multiple times for it. I never said yes. (I was young and easily skeeved out LOL) He recently told me that for as desperate as he was to try it, he finally go the chance, and didn't like it.



Yes actually for a long time I felt that anal sex was overrated...and that it was just the taboo aspect that was the main exciting part.

But you can’t approach it like normal sex, to enjoy it. I think. First of all the whole in and out (like in PIV) is not very pleasant (for her), especially if done too vigorously (that’s where porn is really misleading people I think). Plus you spend so long warming up the area that the ‘restaurant’ will have closed by the time she is ready to get her meal....

But some women do seem to enjoy having all the holes perfectly filled, so to speak, while you pay attention to other areas and apparently it can provide a more powerful orgasm...
Once or twice there was even an orgasm without other areas so maybe some pleasure for women is possible just from that. I don’t know. Don’t think it’s her favourite but once in a while, it’s good fun and it has never been bad!



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I will argue that men are suppose to be penetrated anally more so than women....



I agree but it very much depends with what...Either women’s bodies are just more flexible (due to having to give births or maybe from massive constipations...) or men’s pain thresholds are much lower....but there’s only so much I could endure! And the sight of my wife’s black friend still gives me cold sweats! (It’s not a racist thing, he is not a person).



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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Our joke for years is that we’d like to try pegging but the “bend over boyfriend beginner kit” is always on back order. We’re of the we’ll try basically anything once school. So if either one of us really wanted to do it we would have by now. (Prostate play, while not unpleasant, does little for me, and my wife is not super enthused.)

Don’tcha think that if OP’s H had any interest in anal (not pegging) it would have happened at some point in 26 years?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

InMyPrime said:


> What proportion of men do you reckon would refuse doing anal if their wife asked them to?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


A decent number for sure. It's against many religious teachings so you have to factor that in as well as dudes that are just grossed out by it. 

For me personally, it's like champagne. You don't drink it every day. Once or twice a year on special occasions only type deal.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> But one can argue that men do a lot of sexual things for power reasons.



Yes but a lot of us do it because we firmly believe that our wimmins LIKE to submit to that power every now and again....It’s kind of coded in.
I wonder what kind of things you wouldn’t do that they would get pissed about. Liking anal is typically close to ‘I am up for anything’ I would have thought...
Maybe they begged you to just do regular missionary for a change and you wouldn’t...Lol.



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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

InMyPrime said:


> Yes but a lot of us do it because we firmly believe that our wimmins LIKE to submit to that power every now and again....It’s kind of coded in.
> I wonder what kind of things you wouldn’t do that they would get pissed about. Liking anal is typically close to ‘I am up for anything’ I would have thought...
> Maybe they begged you to just do regular missionary for a change and you wouldn’t...Lol.
> 
> ...




I am a big believer in pleasing my man, and him pleasing me. Within reason my body is his and his mine type of thing. But I will never allow someone else in our bedroom... and that means no physical person, no person in speech, no person in video. Sex is strictly between me and him and to me that’s what makes it special and great and personal. 
My exH had a cuckold fetish and I just couldn’t do it. It is so unnatural to dream/talk/act like another man other than my husband is having sex with me in front of my own husband. As soon as he mentioned another mans name I would dry up and be done. He also wanted to bring porn into the bedroom and that will always be a hard no for me. 
And the only other type of stuff I am personally against is anything that makes me feel bad about myself for whatever biased personal reasons, and one of them is ejactulating on my face. I love to take it in my mouth, on any body part, but never the face.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I am a big believer in pleasing my man, and him pleasing me. Within reason my body is his and his mine type of thing. But I will never allow someone else in our bedroom... and that means no physical person, no person in speech, no person in video. Sex is strictly between me and him and to me that’s what makes it special and great and personal.
> My exH had a cuckold fetish and I just couldn’t do it. It is so unnatural to dream/talk/act like another man other than my husband is having sex with me in front of my own husband. As soon as he mentioned another mans name I would dry up and be done. He also wanted to bring porn into the bedroom and that will always be a hard no for me.
> And the only other type of stuff I am personally against is anything that makes me feel bad about myself for whatever biased personal reasons, and one of them is ejactulating on my face. I love to take it in my mouth, on any body part, but never the face.




Ah, the good old cuckold, I keep forgetting about that one...That makes sense. I agree. Don’t let them. For their own good!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What proportion of men do you reckon would refuse doing anal if their wife asked them to?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk[/QUOTE]
I suspect a lot more than you think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just deleted a threadjack that was getting disgusting... anyone who continues down that line of discussion will get a few day's ban so they can contemplate the universe and how to follow forum rules.

{speaking as a moderator}


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Deejo said:


> It is if you've never tried it and just don't want to talk about it.
> 
> In my opinion, being able to talk openly about sex is as important to the bonding process as actually having it.


I disagree. Talking about sex and being allowed to actually say no to things that aren't for usare 2 different things. 
We all have things in life that we know are not for us, we don't HAVE to try them to know that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

InMyPrime said:


> Or he might be gay....I know it’s counter intuitive.....
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


nope. Believe it or not there are many hot blooded men and women who know that anal sex is not for them.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So sticking strictly to the theme title and original post on this thread so as to avoid any banning. 
And after, sort of carefully, checking the thread to make sure no one has said it yet.
.
.
.
.
"you can't handle the truth" -A few good men


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This article states that that one-third of U.S. men and women had experienced heterosexual anal sex.

The article also brings up some other things that need to be considered as there are health risks for the woman in heterosexual anal sex. There are several to consider. The article mentions fecal incontinence that can be caused by anal sex. What it does not mention is that anal sex can also cause rectal fissures (tears) and sometimes they do not heal completely, not ever. 

https://www.medinstitute.org/2016/08/the-consequences-of-heterosexual-anal-sex-for-women/


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Fair enough - but there is a fine line. 

Many people are happy to go out of their way to do something sexual that their partner really wants. There are of course limits for anyone. I'm probably seeing this through my own bias that what she wants is not particularly unusual or painful (at least for him) so it felt like a hang=up to me that he didn't want to do it.

I agree, though that term probably isn't right. Maybe he just strongly doesn't want to do it. 







Diana7 said:


> Not wanting or liking something surely isn't 'having a hang up'.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

I guess it depends on your definition of anal sex. You said he plays around with you. Maybe thats as far as he's comfortable. Maybe he doesn't know how to proceed. 

Maybe it doesn't have to be full on anal. A gloved finger perhaps? there are lots of ways to play. It seems that he is not totally against some form of it, as he has played around with the idea before.

Definitely something to be discussed, but not forced. No means no. But just like you he may need time to get used to the idea. Read up. Anal play has strict rules for everyone's safety. 

And name calling is offensive and childish. He can disagree, and doesn't have to do things he doesn't want to. But name calling is out. Tell him so.

Addition: you know after posting I went back and reread the thread.
First you were " sexually repressed", then he wanted you to "please your man" and now you are a "sex fiend"? It sounds more to me like he wants to be in complete control of the sexual narrative, where he gets what he wants, but shuts you down for wanting things.
Ok anal, maybe no. But toys? 
Step back a bit and look at this. Does he control other aspects of your relationship as well? this may be a bigger picture than just not wanting/liking a certain thing.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> nope. Believe it or not there are many hot blooded men and women who know that anal sex is not for them.



Which ones are cold blooded?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> The article also brings up some other things that need to be considered as there are health risks for the woman in heterosexual anal sex. There are several to consider. The article mentions fecal incontinence that can be caused by anal sex. What it does not mention is that anal sex can also cause rectal fissures (tears) and sometimes they do not heal completely, not ever.
> 
> https://www.medinstitute.org/2016/08/the-consequences-of-heterosexual-anal-sex-for-women/


I've seen more than one female patient who said yes to anal sex and then ended up needing surgery to repair the damage done by her partner who didn't have a clue what he was doing. In one case the patient had said no but he "accidentally" ended up in the wrong place and she ended up needing surgery too. I don't think I'd ever forgive the guy. 

A lot of women who have given birth have had problems in that area and the last thing they'd want is to aggravate them with anal sex. Fissures hurt more than you might imagine. Had a patient come in last week with a huge fissure from constipation during the pregnancy. She was in agony. I felt SO bad for her.

If you're going to do it, you need to be sure you're doing it correctly and safe.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

InMyPrime said:


> How does this work? Who do a third of heterosexual men have heterosexual anal sex with?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Look up “pegging”


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

aquarius1 said:


> Addition: you know after posting I went back and reread the thread.
> First you were " sexually repressed", then he wanted you to "please your man" and now you are a "sex fiend"? It sounds more to me like he wants to be in complete control of the sexual narrative, where he gets what he wants, but shuts you down for wanting things.
> Ok anal, maybe no. But toys?
> Step back a bit and look at this. Does he control other aspects of your relationship as well? this may be a bigger picture than just not wanting/liking a certain thing.


I was wondering the same thing for the same reasons. He sounds kind of manipulative/controlling like he sort of "shames" her. Maybe to get what he wants, or maybe to just make her feel insecure. But she said she was sure he loved her and she loved him immeasurably so I thought I might be reading it wrong.

I also thought the "sex fiend" comment could be him being nervous and caught off guard, or even him complimenting her -- you'd have to hear how it was said. It sounds like she didn't take it as a compliment.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

aquarius1 said:


> Look up “pegging”



Ouch.
But you can’t have sex with inanimate objects surely? (And call it sex)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Diana7 said:


> I disagree. Talking about sex and being allowed to actually say no to things that aren't for usare 2 different things.
> We all have things in life that we know are not for us, we don't HAVE to try them to know that.


I judged by your previous response that you and your husband had that discussion. I don't disagree that anyone is allowed to say 'no' to an activity they aren't comfortable with or dislike. However, I would suspect that if your partner expresses interest in an activity that may be a sexual boundary for you, it would warrant more discussion than, "No. I'm not doing that." I can think of about 100 different ways the OP's husband could have addressed and dealt with his wife's suggestion other than the way he did. It smacks of being punitive, and that certainly isn't healthy for the relationship.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Deejo said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Not wanting or liking something isn't 'having a hang up'.
> ...


Ah, but then you've just opened up the door to "she/he did it for someone else and won't do it for me" argument. 



> In my opinion, being able to talk openly about sex is as important to the bonding process as actually having it.


I think it takes two people who are open minded AND able to accept each other's sexual boundaries without turning it into a debate or becoming resentful. 
----------------------- 



@lovey1 I do not agree with the way your husband responded to your request but ask yourself, would you have accepted "no, that's not something I'm interested in doing" as a response from your husband? Some people can't take a simple "no" for an answer and will persist until their partner is so worn out by the badgering they give up. They will either lash out or give in to whatever their partner wanted but feel resentment for having done so.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

lovey1 said:


> The very reason I did not post this on the women’s forum is because I wanted a husbands/Man’s POV not some woman’s disgust at my desires. Who cares what you find filthy and disgusting—that’s not the question. It’s not about you!


 @Lovely1 if your husband was having a hypothetical marital issue with you in the bedroom about you being too reserved... what if he turned exclusively to a bunch of other women to try and figure out how to solve his problems with you? All the advice could very well come from women that almost have zero reservations about anything in the bedroom. Then as your husband pondered this advice it might only serve to make him more frustrated with the situation with you in the bedroom. Some advice here and there might be helpful. 

Then imagine your husband potentially disgusted at the idea of getting advice from other men about his own desires. Yep, something should feel awkward there. Why would he have predisposition to be preemptively disgusted about advice from men? Yep, something should feel awkward there. Perhaps it all goes back to his childhood and the way he was raised and/or picked on by others and made to feel ashamed of his sexuality.

So @Lovely1 why is it that you are preemptively disgusted by the advice you would get from other women as if it will only serve to shame and humiliate you? Perhaps THAT is a topic you might want to explore with your husband. Then he (and you) might better understand why calling you a sex fiend was so hurtful. 

If you want to improve things in the bedroom, I think that topic is perhaps a good one to discuss. At the end of the day good intimacy is about truly knowing your partner and letting your partner know you. This includes things that might make you feel shameful so that you can let go of that and feel loved instead. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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