# I cheated on my husband through texts and phone calls (not physically) in the past. Now our relationship is good. Should I tell him?? He suspects.



## Bumblebee32 (3 mo ago)

My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

What did you tell this other person? Did you tell them you love them? Ever send pics or talk about anything sexual? What makes you think your husband knows something?

Also, how long did the EA go on?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

IME, you should. You're removing from him the ability to make the right decision based on the facts. I would say the same thing if you were a man. If you don't confess you're lying about who you are and what your marriage means to you. He deserves the truth so he can retain his dignity and make a choice based on reality.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In general I think you should come clean. Until you do you are living in the shadow of a lie and it will bite you at some point.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Bumblebee32 

what were on the texts? nudes and videos of you? is the guy in the same town? 
and what did your husband find out?

and yes, you need to tell him everything and show him everything. eventually, no matter what you hide he will find and it is better come from you than him finding. 

since it is not physical you have a great chance of recovering. but that wont happen until you come clean with everything.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would think about this:

The relationship is doing better... imagine a couple of more years go by, and then BAM, he finds a trove of old texts you thought he would never find... and then you've both wasted a ton of time....

You need to get this out and try to work through it... this is a massive skeleton in the closet.

You will need to own what you did completely for it to work. You should really get into some concounseling to figure out the 'why' - why you did that. It was wrong and it went on for years.... definetly not a mistake, but a series of 1000s of decisions.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It sounds like there was a reason to hide it, which makes me think there was some sort of emotional affair. If it was just advice not sure why you would hide it. Let me guess this was an ex? Was there profession of love?

Going from that premise, at this moment you have removed his agency, and his ability to make and informed choice about his future. He has not given his consent to the state of his marriage or who his partner is.

Let me ask you this if you had put asbestos in your house for a while because you were pissed a him, realized this was wrong and then removed it, would it be a moral decision not to tell him about it just because of your consequences? Even though there is a real possibility that his health would be effected?

This is pretty much the same thing, except it's an emotional cancer that he has right now, he just doesn't know it. Now maybe he will live the rest of his life not knowing, but if he ever found out the damage will get worse the longer you wait. If you tell him it's possible for him to recover and live a healthy emotional life going forward.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Bumblebee32 said:


> so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls


What exactly does "confided" mean? Were the discussions sexual in nature or was this just you saying things like "I feel bad today and I need someone to tell me I will be ok".


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

BumbleBee32,

Although you should tell him even if the affair was short, the fact that it was years long makes it even more important that you tell him. 

Whatever you do, do not minimize or omit the details you can't fix lies with more lies, don't tell him you don't know who the OM is when you know it. Each lie only prolongs the affair for you because you know the truth. 

Your BH has a right to stray or leave the marriage based on the truth.

He likely already knows and will not fully trust you unless you confess.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bumblebee32 said:


> My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


Well, probably. He already knows something is up and you might as well open up about it.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Do U want to tell him because you are afraid he will find out (because you are scared), or because you feel guilty or because you think it's fair and good thing to do?


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

He already knows something is wrong.
If you wish to keep the relationship, come clean with it.
Be open and show him everything.
Be sure to show true remorse (I assume you have some.)
Be sure not only to state (but demonstrate and follow through) how you are going to repair the damage and establish the safeguards to prevent this from happening again.
Understand that he may walk, but if you truly are sorry and you are honest, accept responsibility and are willing to do the work to make things as right as possible, he may give you the grace of a second chance.
If you are granted that, make sure not to blow it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You know this will cause your marriage to end.
Eventually, painfully, and slowly.

The _proper_ thing is for you to come clean, and to give him that knowing, 'agency' so that he can then decide what he wants to do.

The _practical_ thing is to keep silent or to minimize what has been done.

It is your choice as to what you will, or should do.
It has always been your choice.


How badly do you want to stay married to your husband?
This is key.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Drive by?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Drive by?


You read my mind.


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## AzovSteel (6 mo ago)

Bumblebee32 said:


> My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


Don't! If he never finds out, it's the same as if it did not happen. Being dishonest is bad, but too much truth is not good either. This is why, for example, IQ is a taboo subject and, probably, for the best


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Drive by?


Where was sprinkles earlier today? Anyone know?


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, keep your mouth shut unless he specifically asks. I will never look at my ex husband the same way upon finding out (I stumbled upon his pictures and texts with girlfriend).
Keep your mouth shut, and stay committed to being a good and faithful wife... but only if you're 100% sure he'll never find out, your affair is 100% over and done with, and want to stay married. Otherwise he'll never trust you again.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Sierralyn20 said:


> As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, keep your mouth shut unless he specifically asks. I will never look at my ex husband the same way upon finding out (I stumbled upon his pictures and texts with girlfriend).
> Keep your mouth shut, and stay committed to being a good and faithful wife... but only if you're 100% sure he'll never find out, your affair is 100% over and done with, and want to stay married. Otherwise he'll never trust you again.


"But only if you're 100% sure he'll never find out".

Isn't this what every person who cheats thinks?? That they'll never find out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes you should tell him. Honestly is vital in a marriage.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This might be another @Love_Life regeneration or similar.


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

If she did it smart enough, it's a big chance that he will never find out. Woman are more wise about that. Sorry guys, nothing personal. You all talk about importance of being honest but while she was enjoying her time talking with that guy she wasn't thinking like "heeey i will be honest and inform my husband that i am gonna spend night talking with some other guy". No. People are planing to admit something like that mostly because they are scared or overwhelmed by guilt. In both cases that has nothing to do with "being honest" and what is vital for marriage.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

He already suspects. These things have a way of coming into the light. Your best shot of continuing this relationship is to get ahead of it by confessing. When he finds out independently he may well end the marriage.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, keep your mouth shut unless he specifically asks. I will never look at my ex husband the same way upon finding out (I stumbled upon his pictures and texts with girlfriend).
> Keep your mouth shut, and stay committed to being a good and faithful wife... but only if you're 100% sure he'll never find out, your affair is 100% over and done with, and want to stay married. Otherwise he'll never trust you again.


Yep, that's the spirit.
Keep on lyin', even though she is so apparently skilled at it that she was forced to resort to an internet marriage forum to inquire in regards to her conundrum, because lyin' has not proven effective to date.
Sheesh.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AzovSteel said:


> Don't! If he never finds out, it's the same as if it did not happen. Being dishonest is bad, but too much truth is not good either. This is why, for example, IQ is a taboo subject and, probably, for the best





Sierralyn20 said:


> As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, keep your mouth shut unless he specifically asks. I will never look at my ex husband the same way upon finding out (I stumbled upon his pictures and texts with girlfriend).
> Keep your mouth shut, and stay committed to being a good and faithful wife... but only if you're 100% sure he'll never find out, your affair is 100% over and done with, and want to stay married. Otherwise he'll never trust you again.


Terrible advice. Especially since she is already worried that her husband has found something. If she comes forward first her chances of saving the marriage are much greater than if she waits for him to find out on his own.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Drive by?


Maybe, but I do not smell that burning tire rubber, as of yet.

Then again, the wind may be blowing it downwind.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> Maybe, but I do not smell that burning tire rubber, as of yet.
> 
> Then again, the wind may be blowing it downwind.


We are definitely in Illinois, just not quite in Chicago yet…getting there though.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

In situations like this, ask what you would want your spouse to do. 

iMO, you should never have secrets in a marriage.


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## Sierralyn20 (Dec 4, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Terrible advice. Especially since she is already worried that her husband has found something. If she comes forward first her chances of saving the marriage are much greater than if she waits for him to find out on his own.


Why blow up the poor husband's life, and have him eat a **** sandwich if she's 1000% sure this will never happen again??
Whether we like it or not, the aftermath of an affair is borne by both the victim and perpetrator.
He doesn't deserve that....if she's certain it won't happen again.
Speaking as a former victim.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

I will weigh in on this. I had an EA in a chat room at the beginning of the internet. Started off innocent and fun, then it got more personal and soon got way out of line for "just" chatting. I got nervous and guilty and divulged it to my wife. I was completely honest and took her into the private chat room we had used. Showed her everything. To say she was upset and hurt was an understatement! It was so bad, I don't really recall alot of the misery we both endured over it. She did choose to stay, don't remember why. That was 24 years ago. I still get drilled emotionally over it by her on occasions. I owned it completely, never made excuses or shifted blame, I was very genuinely remorseful. I have worked hard to always have her trust since, yet, she still has not truly forgiven and I still suffer the consequences of my transgression. In my case divorce might have been the best option.
Doesn't matter the why, he deserves to know the truth, we all do. Tell him all of it, no holding back. Expect the worst and hope for the best, but own it, every last word of it. Because if the marriage ends at least you were totally honest with him.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

OP you do what your heart tells you to do. Obviously your in conflict with yourself if your on this forum asking strangers for advise. 

I'm not exactly sure of what an EA is because I've never had one . 

That being said I'm in the camp of full disclosure. 

However, I attended a lecture some yrs ago. There was a panel of 5 . 3 psychologist and 2 psychiatrists . All answering a plethora of questions after the lecture . The lecture was about human sexuality actions and reactions. It ran the gambit from birth , to dating , to death. 

An entire life cycle of interactions. 

An audience member asked " I cheated on my wife , I'm a much different person now..Should I tell her ?

The panel asked him some questions about his marriage , questions about his AP , ect.

4 our of 5 voted to not tell the spouse of the infidelity. I was shocked 😲. 

The reasoning was that they want to keep couples together. And after thier inquires into his marriage and questions about the AP they came to the conclusion that if things were on the up and up don't rock the boat just roll with it. 

My point is there are pros and cons of you telling your husband . 

Just like the lecture panel what are the pros? There are none ...If you tell your husband you have no idea of what his reaction will be...I think you said it went for yrs.

It's more likely that if you don't tell your husband you will keep your marriage. 

Cons.... Your just a sh$tty person that emotionally Fu$ked around on your husband. Its better now , so let's not rock the boat...life is good....

Kick the can in what ever direction suits you.

I'm just offering a different perspective. 
Good luck Jimi


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Why blow up the poor husband's life, and have him eat a **** sandwich if she's 1000% sure this will never happen again??
> Whether we like it or not, the aftermath of an affair is borne by both the victim and perpetrator.
> He doesn't deserve that....if she's certain it won't happen again.
> Speaking as a former victim.


Sorry you had to endure that. You found out about his affair on your own, no? Would you rather have heard it from him or did you prefer being surprised?

How can she ever be 1000% sure? I would say most cheaters at some point would say they were infinitely sure they wouldn't cheat. She's done it once, second time is easier. 

She should tell him so he isn't living a lie.

She also thinks he knows something is up, so she should save him from the questions swirling in his head now. 

We are assuming a lot. We have no details of what was discussed other than the person was an emotional crutch. We really need much more detail to give the best advice.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> I will weigh in on this. I had an EA in a chat room at the beginning of the internet. Started off innocent and fun, then it got more personal and soon got way out of line for "just" chatting. I got nervous and guilty and divulged it to my wife. I was completely honest and took her into the private chat room we had used. Showed her everything. To say she was upset and hurt was an understatement! It was so bad, I don't really recall alot of the misery we both endured over it. She did choose to stay, don't remember why. That was 24 years ago. I still get drilled emotionally over it by her on occasions. I owned it completely, never made excuses or shifted blame, I was very genuinely remorseful. I have worked hard to always have her trust since, yet, she still has not truly forgiven and I still suffer the consequences of my transgression. In my case divorce might have been the best option.
> Doesn't matter the why, he deserves to know the truth, we all do. Tell him all of it, no holding back. Expect the worst and hope for the best, but own it, every last word of it. Because if the marriage ends at least you were totally honest with him.


TTbone....Not trying to be an a$$...Did you tell her before or after she used the hall pass ?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

you shouldn't manipulate us

your husband learned something, the relationship lasted a few years

You had the man in reserve until your marriage was settled

Didn't you sleep with him?

don't tell your husband, he'll find out the details soon anyway


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## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

Bumblebee32 said:


> I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it...


Essentially you were fine betraying him until the marriage got better. This is actually so damn disrespectful. What happens the next time you're marriage hits a rough patch? Cheating will then be ok again?

Of course you need to tell him. Until then, the man is living a lie. You have removed his agency. 

Fix it.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> TTbone....Not trying to be an a$$...Did you tell her before or after she used the hall pass ?


Mine occured about 10 years after the hall pass, with no knowledge of what had occured before that. Didn't know about hers till about 32 years later.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Bumblebee32 said:


> My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


Depends.
In the OP`s case if she was just texting and messaging a friend or family member as emotional support than she shouldn`t have anything to worry about.
But if her texts and messages were sexual, maybe involved photos and I love yous, then she`d better hope her husband doesn`t discover these. There is a chance if she does confess to her husband, it could still destroy the marriage meaning caught up in a catch 22 situation.
I rather suspect that her texts were of an explicit nature and was an emotional affair because the OP describes this as a secret relationship that lasted a few years.
Anyway, if her husband didn`t know about the secret relationship, than how did this drive her and her husband further apart?


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Bumblebee32 said:


> My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


Since the EA -> PA involved sexual innuendo (_womanese_ detected in your comment,) come clean (no pun intended) and let him make a decision, which is probably going to be divorce, but at least you'll be able to sleep at night.

When he finds out you had the audacity to keep an _orbiter _on standby while your marriage was on shaky ground... needless to say he is NOT going to take it well. And, for the love of God, if he asks you about what you did, sexually, to this guy, just tell him. You lose nothing and he gains valuable information that he then can take to the next relationship (if he decides to divorce). Meaning he will know that X and Y and Z *ARE* on the menu and that he isn't a porn addict freak that needs to get out of the house because he wants to do X and Y and Z.

I know you really love him but... sometimes you need to let go of the ones you love. You made a decision in secrecy that violated your marriage vows. There ain't no way to walk that back. Divorce ISN'T the worst thing that can happen to you, believe me. Make it amicable. 

And be smart, tell him while in public or when in someone else's house.

Good luck.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> I will weigh in on this. I had an EA in a chat room at the beginning of the internet. Started off innocent and fun, then it got more personal and soon got way out of line for "just" chatting. I got nervous and guilty and divulged it to my wife. I was completely honest and took her into the private chat room we had used. Showed her everything. To say she was upset and hurt was an understatement! It was so bad, I don't really recall alot of the misery we both endured over it. She did choose to stay, don't remember why. That was 24 years ago. I still get drilled emotionally over it by her on occasions. I owned it completely, never made excuses or shifted blame, I was very genuinely remorseful. I have worked hard to always have her trust since, yet, she still has not truly forgiven and I still suffer the consequences of my transgression. In my case divorce might have been the best option.
> Doesn't matter the why, he deserves to know the truth, we all do. Tell him all of it, no holding back. Expect the worst and hope for the best, but own it, every last word of it. Because if the marriage ends at least you were totally honest with him.


Sounds to me like she gave you a pass because she may also have some skeletons in the closet to use as an emotional offset. You think she forgave you, that she seems strangely uninterested and romantically non-punitive but, little did you know, you just excused her getting double-d*cked by two co-workers for an entire year behind your back. And, by the way, she will never tell you about her escapade.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> Sounds to me like she gave you a pass because she may also have some skeletons in the closet to use as an emotional offset. You think she forgave you, that she seems strangely uninterested and romantically non-punitive but, little did you know, you just excused her being double-d*cked by two co-workers for an entire year behind your back. And, by the way, she will never tell you about her escapade.


You should read Tiny’s story before going down this road. And while I’ve got your attention, go update your own thread.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You should read Tiny’s story before going down this road. And while I’ve got your attention, go update your own thread.


Easy. Easy.

What I do, what I say, and where I go is MY decision.

If you can’t respect other people’s opinions or have an irrational dislike for them the last thing you ought to do is engage them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BoSlander said:


> If you can’t respect other people’s opinions or have an irrational dislike for them the last thing you ought to do is engage them


Pot, kettle.
And who says it‘s irrational?
But you’re right, no more engaging on this T/J.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Pot, kettle.
> And who says it‘s irrational?
> But you’re right, no more engaging on this T/J.


Because you don't know me from a hole in the ground.

Anyhow, if T/J has an issue with what I said, let T/J say it. Don't know why you're interceding... Do you really dislike me that much that you will pick fights with me because you don't like my opinions of someone else's post? Why do I even need to point this out? Are you an adult?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

T/J = Thread Jack. We're off-topic and gonna piss off a mod.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think this OP was a drive by right from the start. Doubt if she will be back because I think what she was looking for was a pat on the back to be told she is great and she needn't worry herself with some txts and phone calls when she was needing her ego stroked. 

But when she was being advised to be accountable,, that was a little too much. 

IMHO on these "Should I tell?" issues, I think in general it depends on what the agenda behind the disclosure is for. 

Is it really to help the BS process and help the greater marriage in some way? Or is it to alleviate the WS's guilt by transferring it onto the BS?? 

If the BS knows something is up and things are disturbed in the relationship and the BS is wanting to know the reality so they can know where things stand and make informed decisions, then yeah, it's time for a come to Jesus meeting. Perhaps even under professional guidance. 

But if the purpose of the disclosure is to relieve the guilt of the WS and things will ultimately end up with the WS blaming the BS for their behavior, I question whether that is truly of benefit to the BS. 

At what point does it just become a blame shift with the WS feeling better and the BS feeling worse? 

If in this instance the BH is suspecting something and is asking questions, it's probably best to come clean. 

If was truly just txts and boobie pictures and flirty talk, then statistically speaking the chances of him giving her the boot are quite slim assuming things are going well for him now. 

Guys tend to care way less about EAs than PAs, and even in the case of PAs, statistically a lot people stay in the marriage (whether they should or not is another matter). 

But in the case of where things are going well, the BS has no idea and no suspicions, the WS is truly remorseful but is having trouble dealing with their own guilt and baggage, I question whether dumping their guilt on the BS is always the best course or action or whether dealing with their baggage with their own therapist or their spiritual advisor or their grandmother or whatever is the better option.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Bumblebee32 said:


> My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


No, you really don’t love your husband. How could you doing what you did.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> Sounds to me like she gave you a pass because she may also have some skeletons in the closet to use as an emotional offset. You think she forgave you, that she seems strangely uninterested and romantically non-punitive but, little did you know, you just excused her being double-d*cked by two co-workers for an entire year behind your back. And, by the way, she will never tell you about her escapade.


Wow, that's amazingly intuitive thinking.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> Wow, that's amazingly intuitive thinking.


I wish. That’s what happened to me. Three times actually.

Most likely more.

Sadly, this is how these animals rationalize their behaviors: they exchange feelings/sins like they exchange baseball cards. It works in their heads, or, at the very least, it’s what allows them to be able to sleep at night.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> T/J = Thread Jack. We're off-topic and gonna piss off a mod.


🤝


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> No, you really don’t love your husband. How could you doing what you did.


She does… for now. Sounds like she was in the beginning stages of an infatuate episode. Her doubts and coming here to seek validation is most likely due to her developing feelings for that other person, although she sounds as though they’ve already made the transition from EA to PA.

Guilt is a powerful drug.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> If was truly just txts and boobie pictures and flirty talk, then statistically speaking the chances of him giving her the boot are quite slim assuming things are going well for him now.


Well, that’s the thing oldshirt, most of these folks come here with sanitized versions of their adultery in the hopes of getting a watered down idea of how their SO will react (by gauging people’s reactions). If the overwhelming response points to a potential breakup, then they’ll know to whether 1) keep mute because the REAL story is much worst, 2) say something but not all or 3) tell their SO the truth.

Like I said from the beginning, she sounds like she’s seriously biting her lip and withholding information. She will deny until kingdom come that the EA never went to a PA, but we all know that that is seldom the case.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BoSlander said:


> Well, that’s the thing oldshirt, most of these folks come here with sanitized versions of their adultery in the hopes of getting a watered down idea of how their SO will react (by gauging people’s reactions). If the overwhelming response points to a potential breakup, then they’ll know to whether 1) keep mute because the REAL story is much worst, 2) say something but not all or 3) tell their SO the truth.
> 
> Like I said from the beginning, she sounds like she’s seriously biting her lip and withholding information. She will deny until kingdom come that the EA never went to a PA, but we all know that that is seldom the case.


I am sure you are right that she is only going to present the tip of the iceberg to both us as well as the BH. 

But I don't know if that changes anything that I have said.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

BoSlander said:


> I wish. That’s what happened to me. Three times actually.
> 
> Most likely more.
> 
> Sadly, this is how these animals rationalize their behaviors: they exchange feelings/sins like they exchange baseball cards. It works in their heads, or, at the very least, it’s what allows them to be able to sleep at night.


I can say I've never walked in your shoes my man. I've been on 5 continents, in over 30 different countries and experienced their cultures, been in 38 different states in the U.S., and can say I never thought I'd be in a place such as this. Maybe my situation does resonate with long time members and newer, with things seen in others and done to them. I don't know what all could have or "did" happen... yet. Day by day I try to live a good life, try not to bitter, hateful and resentful. I cannot undo the past, only look to today and try to make for a better tomorrow. Whether it's married to my wife or maybe a single man again. Time will tell the story. I choose happiness instead of anger, I choose hope instead of regret. I will, as all do till I die. My wish till that day is smile more, enjoy more and love more. Thank you for the time you've given to me and what advice you have shared. You didn't have to read my threads but did and have taken your time from your life to help as you can. It's really appreciated.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Bumblebee32 said:


> My husband and I were going through a rough time, so I confided in someone else via text messaging and phone calls. Of course, this drove us further apart. I kept the secret relationship for a few years, but my marriage got better, so I ended it. I think my husband found some things out about it. Should I come clean? I really love him.


You are the source of your own problems. Instead of confiding in your husband you chose someone else. Your first error. Grass is greenest where you water it.

You kept this other relationship for a few years. Second error.

You are now on the verge of the third error - attempting to keep your secret.
*You think your husband found some things out.* Should you come clean. Answer - yes. Will it cost you your marriage? Maybe. You have already violated your husband's trust and he will assume you have done more than just confide in another man. Certainly you can attempt to keep quiet and keep this a secret. But if your husband is already digging and he discovers more you are done period. Secrecy of this kind will do even more damage. Your assumption should be that your husband will keep digging till he finds what he is looking for.

Good luck regardless you will need it.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

I think you have to ask yourself the reason why you would come clean.

If it is to assuage your own guilt and make yourself feel better, then answer is an absolute NO. You will be taking the burden and injury that you created and removing it from yourself, only to place it directly on your husband. Spare him the pain, and figure out a way to deal with it yourself.

If you would be telling him because he suspects, then YES, tell him everything. Ask for forgiveness and be prepared for that to take some time. You will have to re-build his trust.

If you are doing it because you secretly want to destroy your marriage, want out, need drama, then NO. Grow up, seek counseling, and figure out why you would want to do that.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Sierralyn20 said:


> Why blow up the poor husband's life, and have him eat a **** sandwich if she's 1000% sure this will never happen again??
> Whether we like it or not, the aftermath of an affair is borne by both the victim and perpetrator.
> He doesn't deserve that....if she's certain it won't happen again.
> Speaking as a former victim.


Sure, upgrade the poor slob to the full poo platter.
Really, why the hell would he want to have any agency at all regarding his own marriage?
Good Lord!


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