# Lost and Broken



## SAGirl77 (Apr 28, 2015)

New here, just found this forum ... I need some help and guidance.

I have been married to husband for 12 years and we have been together for 14 years. We have two beautiful daughters ages 7 and 10. About a month ago, I noticed my husband wouldn't look at me the same, never made eye contact and seemed very distant. So like a typical wife, i went looking for answers and found them. He was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. I confronted him about it and he said they were just friends and nothing had happened (Pictures, texts, e-mails say other wise). I demanded he end it and think about his family. He said he would but he needed time to think about things because i was unsupportive, always arguing with him, and my self esteem sucks. So taking what he said I started working on being nicer, bettering myself, etc. As a paranoid wife now, because the trust was broken a few weeks later he told me he was working late (Very unusual, especially in his line of work) and i decided to look up this other woman's address and take a ride past her house. BAM, there he was at her house. I confronted both of them and they still insisted nothing was going on and he said I was controlling, etc.

So long story short, we went to one counselling session and he said he didn't think it would help. He refuses to go to church. And has told me he no longer is in love with me, there is not emotional attachment and he is done with the marriage (separation/divorce). We still live under the same roof because until we sell the house, I cannot afford to move into my own place with the kids. It's so hard though to be around him. I want to be angry and sad at the same time but I am past the stage of begging and pleading because he just keeps saying there is no hope.

So here's were all the confusion comes in ... so I still have to live with him (i live upstairs, he down) but he still wants to maintain a friendship where he can ask me how my day was, I have done laundry, made dinner. But when is enough enough, how do I either get him to come back to me, or where do i cut it off? One minute he tells me he still loves me and will always care for me but then another he tells me there is no hope and he wouldn't be bothered if i find someone else ... REALLY???

I need some guidance here because i don't know where to go from here? I don't know what to do? I am trying to stay calm and collective for my kids who know that we are getting separated. Please help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some more info while I write a more in-depth response would help.

Are you a stay at home mom? Or do you work outside the home?


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## SAGirl77 (Apr 28, 2015)

I work full time outside the home, so most of the interaction happens at night.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAGirl77 said:


> I work full time outside the home, so most of the interaction happens at night.


What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

(I'm still writing over here in another window )


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SAGirl77 said:


> New here, just found this forum ... I need some help and guidance.


I’m sorry that you are going through this. It sucks.. to put it bluntly.


SAGirl77 said:


> I have been married to husband for 12 years and we have been together for 14 years. We have two beautiful daughters ages 7 and 10. About a month ago, I noticed my husband wouldn't look at me the same, never made eye contact and seemed very distant. So like a typical wife, i went looking for answers and found them. He was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. I confronted him about it and he said they were just friends and nothing had happened (Pictures, texts, e-mails say other wise). I demanded he end it and think about his family. He said he would but he needed time to think about things because i was unsupportive, always arguing with him, and my self esteem sucks. So taking what he said I started working on being nicer, bettering myself, etc. As a paranoid wife now, because the trust was broken a few weeks later he told me he was working late (Very unusual, especially in his line of work) and i decided to look up this other woman's address and take a ride past her house. BAM, there he was at her house. I confronted both of them and they still insisted nothing was going on and he said I was controlling, etc.


Your answer to his accusing you of controlling him is that no you are not controlling him. But you do have a say about what goes on in YOUR life and YOUR marriage. And you will not tolerate an affair. You are not controlling him, you are setting a boundary for yourself. You will not be the quite wife to puts up with an affair. He can leave if he wants to have an affair. Point out to him that you do not have low self-esteem. That is why you will not allow him that the OW to walk all over you. 

You need to get strong and talk strong now.

When he denies that he’s having an affair. Just tell him that you know he is lying and do not want to hear it. Remind him that 


SAGirl77 said:


> So long story short, we went to one counselling session and he said he didn't think it would help. He refuses to go to church. And has told me he no longer is in love with me, there is not emotional attachment and he is done with the marriage (separation/divorce). We still live under the same roof because until we sell the house, I cannot afford to move into my own place with the kids. It's so hard though to be around him. I want to be angry and sad at the same time but I am past the stage of begging and pleading because he just keeps saying there is no hope.


Why would you and your children need to move out of the family home? If anyone moves out right now, it should be him.

Stop begging a pleading. It’s not attractive. All it will do is to push him away. 

Get the book “Surviving an Affair” written by Dr. Harley. It talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is what you have been doing, looking at yourself and bettering yourself while trying to get him to give up the affair. While the book talks about some guy who does a plan A for months/years… the book also says that most people cannot do it for more than a couple of weeks. Most just cannot take it emotionally. So recognize that you are reacting in a very normal manner. But it’s time for you to move on to Plan B. You stay in plan B until he ends the affair or you are well into a divorce.

The book has very good discussion of the things that you need to do and what you need from him to even consider recovery of the marriage. Then you can get further support from this site (TAM) if you want that.

So, in line with all that, start interact with him according to the 180 (see the link in my signature block below). Until he ends the affair and goes no contact, you need to pull back from him. It’s not a way to get him back. It’s a way to make yourself stronger. You need to focus on yourself and your children. 

About the house. Do not do anything until like moving, etc. until you have seen an attorney. You need to find out your rights in a divorce. If you share your state (understand if you do not want to) some of us might be able to point you to sites that can give you a lot of info.



SAGirl77 said:


> So here's were all the confusion comes in ... so I still have to live with him (i live upstairs, he down) but he still wants to maintain a friendship where he can ask me how my day was, I have done laundry, made dinner. But when is enough enough, how do I either get him to come back to me, or where do i cut it off? One minute he tells me he still loves me and will always care for me but then another he tells me there is no hope and he wouldn't be bothered if i find someone else ... REALLY???


The “enough is enough” point has been reached. Stop doing anything for him. He can do his own laundry, his own grocery shopping, his own cooking, etc.

If he starts to tell you things like he still loves you or does not love you, or anything else emotional, just tell him that until he ends the affair and goes no contact with her you do not want to hear it. And go right back into the 180. 

He works with this woman? In order for the two of you to recover your marriage he has to end the relationship with her and they cannot work together. So one of them has to quite their job. How easy would it be for him to get another job or get transferred at his job to some situation where he will not see her?



SAGirl77 said:


> I need some guidance here because i don't know where to go from here? I don't know what to do? I am trying to stay calm and collective for my kids who know that we are getting separated. Please help?


Right now do the 180 and focus on yourself and your children.

It is now time to show him what divorce means and what not having you in his life and not seeing his children every day really means.


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## SAGirl77 (Apr 28, 2015)

EleGirl, in response to your first question ... I am the breadwinner, because of his change in careers he took a substantial pay cut until he finishes school.

Also, I live in Texas.

I also just wanted to write but realized i never put it in my first post ...

For the past two years we have had a lot of struggles which included his job loss, a whole new career change for him, stress with school, him taking on so much. All of this and him thinking i'm unsupportive have basically let him to his decision to divorce me. However, during my begging and pleading I owned up to my faults and told him that I never knew what I was doing wrong and it basically comes down to lack of communication between the two of us. He sought out this "friendship" with this woman at work as a way to discuss our relationship to someone who never had a bias opinion of me. 

We are both wrong and have our faults but he is willing to throw everything away and not try and work on this. He says he is tired of trying but that only the past two years have been bad. He said he was madly in love with me for 12 years. 

I have had people tell me to do the 180 but then i have others that tell me to just be myself, and then i can walk away from this saying that I did everything to save my marriage.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ignore all he says, and work on living your own life. Start going out with friends, work out, and you need to have fun. Your letting this attachment bring you down, and you need to detach in order to reverse the process. That means learning to live without that attachment, and do not get suckered back into the drama. If he is done with you, then he needs to give you space to move on.

Also, I would recommend you stop doing what you would normally do for a partner. If you have issues, work on them, it will help raise the probability of success in your next relationship.

When you chase him, he knows that he has a back-up plan just in case if things do not work out with the other woman. Think about it logically, why should he expend any time or energy into you when your already there waiting. It gives him time to test and see if he can find someone better to replace you as his partner.

Also by detaching, you can go back and view your marriage more clearly. Was he even a good husband? Did you really push him away? Your drive or need to be with him is bypassing a lot of your logical processes,and you want to have a clear head on how to proceed. If you did push him away, acknowledge this, let him go, and chasing him will only lower your value to him.

The more you work on you, the better you increase your chance of finding someone better. Think about it, people with lower esteem will settle for less, they will be more codependent on that person. They will let the other walk all over them because of how they feel themselves or fear an outcome.
Your fear of losing your husband allows him to treat you less respectfully and lie to you. Be strong, and invest in you instead of chasing him. Working on you is going to be a net positive, while chasing him will give you no guarantee of anything.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are being controlled and manipulated. He will never leave as long as he has someone doing his laundry, cooking, covering most of the bills, and he gets to have sex with whoever he wants. What a great deal that is for him. Its like that summer after high school only never ending.

As others have said, work on yourself. You have to get to the point where care more about yourself than you do the relationship and then you can make healthy choices. Right now you are sacrificing yourself for something that is making you deeply unhappy. This is often referred to as "doing a 180". It might save your marriage, but honestly, why would want to be with this guy. he is awful. 

Act now act today. 


Stop doing things for him (laundry, cooking, ect..).
Require him to pay half of everything or leave. Or just tell him to get out.
Get some exercise, see your friends, and revitalize a hobby.
Talk to your friends and relatives about this and your commitment to change your life for the better. That will win their support and will make you feel better--honest.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If he wants the marriage to be over, he needs to move out, now. Too bad if he has no place comfy to go. He can't have it both ways...unless you allow it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why would you have to move out of the house? Can you explain that?

The reason for the 180 is that right now you are very emotional, begging, etc. Surely being very emotional, begging, etc is not your normal self. The 180 is about stopping that, stepping back and getting control of your emotions.

You cannot progress without getting control and starting to take care of your own emotional needs.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Why would you have to move out of the house? Can you explain that?
> 
> The reason for the 180 is that right now you are very emotional, begging, etc. Surely being very emotional, begging, etc is not your normal self. The 180 is about stopping that, stepping back and getting control of your emotions.
> 
> You cannot progress without getting control and starting to take care of your own emotional needs.


@SAgirl77

The really awesome thing about 180 is that it is the best chance you have to save your marriage and even if that does not work, it is exactly what you need to take care of yourself and find happiness without him. It is the most win-win solution our there for life's big problems.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SAGirl77 said:


> New here, just found this forum ... I need some help and guidance.
> 
> I have been married to husband for 12 years and we have been together for 14 years. We have two beautiful daughters ages 7 and 10. About a month ago, I noticed my husband wouldn't look at me the same, never made eye contact and seemed very distant. So like a typical wife, i went looking for answers and found them. He was having an emotional affair with a woman at work. I confronted him about it and he said they were just friends and nothing had happened (Pictures, texts, e-mails say other wise). I demanded he end it and think about his family. He said he would but he needed time to think about things because i was unsupportive, always arguing with him, and my self esteem sucks. So taking what he said I started working on being nicer, bettering myself, etc. As a paranoid wife now, because the trust was broken a few weeks later he told me he was working late (Very unusual, especially in his line of work) and i decided to look up this other woman's address and take a ride past her house. BAM, there he was at her house. I confronted both of them and they still insisted nothing was going on and he said I was controlling, etc.
> 
> ...


Everyone here has given you good advice. You need to take back control over your own life and not have him calling the shots. I know you are probably hurting and feel in a very vulnerable position. 
Doing the 180 will help you get the emotional distance you need right now and also give him some food for thought that you are not running after him begging him. 
I agree with another poster here, stop immediately doing anything domestic for him, cooking, laundry etc, why on earth should you when you are also the main bread winner when he plays around behind your back? He says there is no hope then let him feel what living without you is like big time. Do not be his plan B under any circumstances. If he refuses to end his A then you show him you mean business. 
You should not move out from the house, you are the breadwinner, and he is the unfaithful one, tell him to move out.
Try to implement this asap and don't show him how you feel inside, follow the 180 and fake it if necessary. Good luck!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Lost, broken, sad, weepy, clingy= weak and counterproductive

Find your anger.

Can you get some IC?


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## SAGirl77 (Apr 28, 2015)

Hi all, EleGirl in response to you question. We need to sell the house because I cannot afford it on my own plus it's too big for me and my kids. 

A little update, today he had a bad day and told me he went shooting when in fact I saw him with the girl in parking lot on my way to the gym. I was going to confront him when he walked in the door but I just couldn't. It is now clear that he is just not going to change and is lying. After he got home he kept saying I'm glad that we can repair our friendship but I'm still so confused about everything.

I have read the 180 plan and I think it is time for me to take back control. This is BS and I'm officially sick of his crap and lies.

Thoughts?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

SAGirl77 said:


> I have read the 180 plan and I think it is time for me to take back control. This is BS and I'm officially sick of his crap and lies.
> 
> Thoughts?


Despite what we where all taught by George Lucas and Obi Wan Kenobi, Anger is a creative and positive emotion, even necessary for change. Until all of this becomes over the top unacceptable, it won't change and you need that. 

Just do it (180) and don't look back.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Seems to me he has the easy life, you make most of the money currently, you still do most of the chores, he gets to interact with you and the children on his terms and when he wants to feel single he goes downstairs or to the gym....as dr. Phil would say,...how is that working for you?....time to move on, divorce him, and protect your kids and you.....maybe he will come around maybe he won't either way you need a life that is better than this.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

SAGirl77 said:


> But when is enough enough, how do I either get him to come back to me, or where do i cut it off? One minute he tells me he still loves me and will always care for me but then another he tells me there is no hope and he wouldn't be bothered if i find someone else ... REALLY???


Enough was enough about a month ago.

You need to get angry.

Stay calm, cool and dispassionate but use the anger to make your decisions.

Tell (no asking) him he needs to leave and find another place to live. You can't make him but he needs to know you don't want him there.

If you see him with OW don't confront. Don't let him know that it bothers you. He wants another, fine.

Lawyer-up. Put all your energy in what you can control and forget the rest.


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## Pongo (May 17, 2015)

How's it all going SaGirl77?


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