# i am dying inside



## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

I am new but I am going through a terrible time. My husband found text messages between me and a male supervisor of mine. We were joking in the messages but my husband feels as though we were flirting. He did not talk to me for a week and whwn he did he was so angry he said he wanted a divorce. He proceeded to tell me to pack my things and be out of the house within one week. He told me to contact a lawyer, he already did. Now I am staying at my mother's. We have had talks where I listened to him and we spent a few nights together, but now he tells me he was in shock the past two weeks and has a lot of feelings coming up for him. I have lied a lot in the past and it caused a very rocky start to our relationship. He has had a hard time trusting me. He is extremely angry. I am terribly afraid I have f*** it up. How do I start to regain trust if he is so mad he may not want to see me for awhile?
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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Well I think #1 would be admitting to yourself that your 'joking' was flirtatious and inappropriate. Don't think that this is coming from someone who is judgmental of you and lashing out.... I am a 'cheater' myself, so I'm someone who has messed up in that regard as well. If you wouldn't say it in front of your SO, it shouldn't be said. Wrapping it up in pretty paper doesn't make it innocent 'joking'. If you choose to stay in denial about what you were really doing, you will never gain his trust.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Transparency - text accounts, phone bills, email, keeping your schedule in front of and sticking to it religously or letting him knw when things change immediately. Don't delete text messages or emails until he has read them. Give him all of your usernames and passwords.

For a time, he will be super vigilant checking these things until he regains trust. He should do the same for you. This should NEVER go away but a way to build trust and keep it. If you think it is a invasion of your privacy, then you are hiding something. Privacy is for the bathroom.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

JrsMrs said:


> Well I think #1 would be admitting to yourself that your 'joking' was flirtatious and inappropriate. Don't think that this is coming from someone who is judgmental of you and lashing out.... I am a 'cheater' myself, so I'm someone who has messed up in that regard as well. If you wouldn't say it in front of your SO, it shouldn't be said. Wrapping it up in pretty paper doesn't make it innocent 'joking'. If you choose to stay in denial about what you were really doing, you will never gain his trust.



:iagree:


It sounds like this latest incident was his breaking point. You may want to find a counselor and begin working on yourself. No relationship can last without trust. And trust can not exists where lies are told.


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

thank you for your give it to me straight attitude. I need that right now. This has been my husband's last straw. I am going to counseling and so is he. I am hoping we make it to marriage counseling. Any more advice on things to say to him....i know i have to make it up in actions...i am trying. 

Thank you...i really needed this


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

What is your husband doing? A few joking texts between co-workers doesn't seem like a reason to toss you out. Perhaps he is projecting?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really hope things work out for you and your husband.


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

Brennan said:


> What is your husband doing? A few joking texts between co-workers doesn't seem like a reason to toss you out. Perhaps he is projecting?


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

My husband took the joking as flirting and I agree I crossed the line. It was between me and my supervisor so icrossed some lines there too. I also lied to my H about not calling the supervisor. We had trust issues in the beginning because of me too. My H is afraid that if I did not know I was flirting then, how can he ever trust I won't do it again. I don't know if he will ever be able to trust me again
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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I repeat what I said earlier - actions speak louder than words. Allow him ot be supervigilant and support him in it. He will see how hard you are trying to regain his trust.

"Transparency - text accounts, phone bills, email, keeping your schedule in front of and sticking to it religously or letting him knw when things change immediately. Don't delete text messages or emails until he has read them. Give him all of your usernames and passwords.

For a time, he will be super vigilant checking these things until he regains trust. He should do the same for you. This should NEVER go away but a way to build trust and keep it. If you think it is a invasion of your privacy, then you are hiding something. Privacy is for the bathroom. "


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

This is what happens when a person loses their personal credibility and integrity. Those two things are a “given” at the outset and get better and better as time goes by and we “prove ourselves worthy of trust”. Being honest and open is a way of life for some, for others it isn’t.

It’s not until a person has lost their personal credibility and integrity that they understand the true nature of their value in life. And when they’re “discovered” in their lies and deceits they are quite literally amazed at just how quickly and completely “trust in them” is lost. Within a marriage this loss of trust means that the marriage is no longer authentic, no longer “real” and both the partners come to see that they have been “living a lie” based on one person’s lies and deceits.

Can you ever regain that trust? I honestly think the answer is a resounding No. There will never ever be the 100%, unadulterated trust that you once enjoyed from your spouse. And I think the more “open and honest” your partner has been with you the very much less likely they are to ever trust you again. Why? Because a person who believes in their personal credibility and integrity truly understands the values of those things in life and so will greatly “devalue” you as a person in their life, no matter what else you may have to offer them.

Bob


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Finding a new job would be a strong indicator that you are doing all you can. It's not always practical, but it would be positive. 

It will be murder for your husband to know that you are working together. His imagination will run wild.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I agree with AFEH on this one. You hang around any infidelity board and read posts by those who have been cheated on, even those who have managed to save their marriage, and they all say the same thing...they can never trust 100% again. It's highly likely that you'll never had the level of trust you once had. It's up to you to gain as much trust as you possibly can with your husband. I wish you the best.


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

Thank you everyone for the advice/info. I know i really messed up and i will pray and do everything possible to gain some trust back and hopefully not lose my husband. He has been wonderful to me and did not deserve anything i have done. 
jamesa: I am not working with the supervisor any longer.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Anything new to report lovethehubby?


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

lovethehubby said:


> jamesa: I am not working with the supervisor any longer.


Are you still working in the same building, same company?

Do you still have his number? Email Address? friends on Facebook?

You will need to convince your husband that he means nothing and is nothing to you, even if that means you make it absolutley clear you have no contact with him (and no way of contacting him) in the future.

Is this a "one off", have you ever had anything like this before? A one off may be easier to work through, if it isn't, you will be trying to climb an even steeper mountain.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Have you talked to him about why you think you do it?...is there in you a reason for needing this excitement?...maybe is also his fault...has he been neglecting you at all?....i mean you need two to tango.....you fu.....up.....i understand, but we are all humans and deserve a second chance.....you did not cheat on him right?...so he is hurt....but YOU DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM, so it is fixable...but dont punish yourself too much....you made a mistake work a fix it and learn from it like an adult...and make him feel like you learned and that this situation changed you as a person....dont go and say it, just be honest with him and just tell him that you need time to show it to him but that he making you feel like scam doesnt help you to improve yourself...that something has to come up from this situation positive and thats is your change as a person....a better person so NOT ALL IS LOST....


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

marcopoly69 said:


> Have you talked to him about why you think you do it?...is there in you a reason for needing this excitement?...maybe is also his fault...has he been neglecting you at all?....i mean you need two to tango.....you fu.....up.....i understand, but we are all humans and deserve a second chance.....you did not cheat on him right?...so he is hurt....but YOU DID NOT CHEAT ON HIM, so it is fixable...but dont punish yourself too much....you made a mistake work a fix it and learn from it like an adult...and make him feel like you learned and that this situation changed you as a person....dont go and say it, just be honest with him and just tell him that you need time to show it to him but that he making you feel like scam doesnt help you to improve yourself...that something has to come up from this situation positive and thats is your change as a person....a better person so NOT ALL IS LOST....


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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

We have been talking about all the things my husband has beenhurt by and what we need to move foward. We see each other at least twice a week and through my actions I am proving that I am honest and being supportive of his feelings.I have hope, but I we are still not living together. He is finally telling me he loves me again. It has been one month and I feel we are moving forward. Thank u all for the advice...keep it coming!!
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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

I get so confused...and angry...and depressed. When I see my husband and we spend time together we are loving and caring toward each other. I am making a big effort to do little things (ie: give him a massage) just to show that i love him and am working at this. but when we are not together he becomes angry again....and nasty and mean. I know he is hurt. I know that will take time, but I don't think I have much time left. he told me today through text messaging (he won't talk to me over the phone) that I have not done anything to show him i have changed and time is running out. He calls me names and just lets me have it over text. I listen because i feel he needs to vent, but when do i put on the brakes and tell him if he is going to be down right mean and nasty i don't want to hear it? Is it right for him to say "time is running out"? He won't tell me what he needs for me to make things at least a little better. he says i have to do all the work, he is exhausted after trying for 7 years. He says it is all up to me. Is that fair? I know i'm the one that lied/hid things/neglected his feelings/flirted with another man, but doesn't it take two to work on a relationship? Am i being naive and in denial? Any advice would help, I don't know what to do.........


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Try to get him to fill out the love busters and emotional needs questionnaires from marriage builders. Have you discussed how important a good marriage counsel is?
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## lovethehubby (Feb 1, 2011)

8yearscheating said:


> Try to get him to fill out the love busters and emotional needs questionnaires from marriage builders. Have you discussed how important a good marriage counsel is?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have done the love busters and emotional needs questionaire: seems likeb everything I have done annoys him or is a negaative for him. He is not convinced about marraige counseling. We went oonce before and he felt he got Nothing out of it. I told him that we nneed it but he feels he knows what needs to happen and knows what the the counselor would say. I feel there is little hope.
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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

If it really was a joke, and your husband just will not take your word for it, one ugly option is to have your boss meet up with him and help explain, that is if your boss thinks it was a joke too. 

Everyone messes with friends and sure, from the outside a text or an inside joke can look bad, but often it's not what it seems. Maybe your hubs needs that assurance given the past experience.


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