# husband having emotional affair



## sugrbriches (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi all! Just needing a place to vent! My husband of 12 years is having an emotional affair with another woman (I'll just call her a woman because I'm sure the words I want to use here aren't allowed. lol!). We'll call her S. Been going on for almost a year now and I'm just about to my breaking point! It's a very long story about how S became involved in our lives, but long story short, she is the girlfriend of one of my husband's childhood friends. We'll call him R. S&R also live in our neighborhood. Then to make matters even worse (for me anyways), my husband hired S to work for him!!!! So in addition to spending all day together, S calls him all the time, they text all the time, my husband buys gifts for her two children & god knows what else!! He used to take her & some of her other girlfriends to dinner - without me - and used to take her to lunch often. After doing a lot of fighting about that, I think some of the going out to eat has stopped, but the communication hasn't. He lies to me about "going to work" after hours & on the weekend but really goes to hang out with S. When I catch him, he says he's there "hanging out" with R. Whatever!!! I know R too and he's more reclusive than S. I've hung out over there before in the beginning when I tried to make friends with S, when she first entered our lives, so I know what goes on over there. Husband is most likely sitting outside drinking with S while she smokes like a freight train while R is inside watching TV or cleaning something. 

So a little more background, yes, I tried to make friends with S. Hubby and I were already having some marital problems to begin with. I became an open book with her, let her in even though I didn't really trust her to begin with, hoping if she could just understand me then we'd become friends. Well, didn't work. Just backfired. She's so different from me and she just took everything she learned and decided I was "crazy and had issues" and started talking about me behind my back to all our friends.

Now, hubby is emotionally involved with S - I could go into so many details, but just trust me here, he is - she hates me and I'm sure is filling his head with so much bull **** and I feel like my marriage is slipping futher and further away faster than I can type.

Hubby took his wedding ring off in Feb., has been sleeping in the guest bedroom for just over a month now, doesn't speak to me at all and avoids me at all costs. This is no way to live and it's killing me. Thank god we have no kids!

I've tried talking to him till I'm blue in the face, but he just won't communicate. Any advice on getting through to him? I want my marriage to work. I still love him and he says he still loves me. Why oh why then is he still pulling away from me?!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Do the 180....there is a link somewhere on this site. This would be perfect for what you are going thru. I will try and find the link.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

sugrbriches said:


> Hubby took his wedding ring off in Feb., has been sleeping in the guest bedroom for just over a month now, doesn't speak to me at all and avoids me at all costs. This is no way to live and it's killing me. Thank god we have no kids!


What a horrible situation to be in... I'm very sorry your in it.

Why do you think this isn't a PA? 

The above quote from your post tells me they are having both a EA and a PA and that he has checked out of your marriage.

THIS isn't love. Not even close to it.

I would suggest 180 and chuck him out or you leave (what is your housing situation?), something has to shake him to his core, you have no kids. Why put up with this garbage.

If he doesn't care or try to save the marriage...well you have you answer and you need to move on. I'm hoping it will clear him of his 'fog' and he will remove this woman from your marriage/lives then and only then can you look into a repairing and rebuilding your relationship.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with above. PA definitely. Time to get tough. If you want this to work you have to show strength and fortitude. Which means you have to be ready to lose him...happily. Then he will realise he may lose you. 

At minimum it will cause him to consider. Maximum, he turns back to you and his marriage. But you have to lay down the law. Conditions. What you expect from him and nothing less. If he does not turn back to you and his marriage you have your answer. Do not become purely a consideration. You should be his priority. Make him make you his priority, or make him eff off. 

Don't settle for the role of the doormat because this is exactly how you are presenting yourself to him. And how highly do people regard doormats?


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## sugrbriches (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm certain, well 99% certain, it's not a PA...yet. When he's over at S&R's place, R is almost always there too. (Why R does nothing about the situation is a whole 'nother story by the way! He's told me he's not happy with it either.) My husband does work a lot, and I have a friend that lives close to his work that checks up on him for me & makes sure his truck really is at the place he works at (and S's vehicle isn't). There's just really no time he's completely alone with S to be sleeping with her. It really hard to explain but I really do feel it's not escalated to that...yet. All his actions point to it, but I just don't think that's what's going on. Even his best friend (that he's been ignoring lately) doesn't believe it. Even my best friend that knows him well doesn't believe he's having PA yet. He's just so emotionally involved with S that he's become so disconnected from me.

Hubby has agreed to one and ony one counseling session and we go tomorrow. I've been in individual therapy for almost 3 years now & he thinks my therapist has me more messed up than I was. HA! Maybe cuz he's the messed up one now! Anyways, I'm looking forward to couples counseling and hoping he actually shows up and actually opens up. I'll keep you all posted!


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

He took off his ring and started sleeping in the guest room.

It is what it is. Sorry.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It's only a matter of time before they consummate their relationship with sex. Both of them have checked out of their marriages and are totally into each other. 1+2 = 3.

Your only hope of saving this is to end their relationship. Use "R", talk to him. Your husband is enjoying the fact he can emotionally dominate him, come right into his castle and take his wife outside. He's getting off on it. R needs to know this and get angry.


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## sugrbriches (Apr 22, 2013)

R and I have talked several times before and he's no help. S and R break up and get back together as many times as I change shoes! R has even told me there's nothing good about S but he just doesn't want to be single (they share one child together which is why I guess he can't let go of her, despite the fact that he can't even find nice things to say about her). For the life of me, I just can't understand why R keeps begging S to come back to him and then keeps putting up with her inappropriate relationship with MY husband! He's the biggest wus I've even met! So thanks for the advice Gabriel, but R is useless. I've already tried that route. 

Couples therapy is today at noon. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Part of me hopes it will be helpful but the other part of me is scared it will just make hubby say the hell with it, this is too hard and say he's done. I still think we have a chance to make things work. I hope he feels the same.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Have a calm, rational conversation and explain he has a choice to make - it needs to be made right then. He can choose to have her in his life or you in his life but he cannot have both.

If he chooses you, then he calls her right then with you sitting beside him and explains that their relationship/contact is over. That he values his marriage and loves you more than anything.

If he chooses her, leave and file for divorce. 

You can't force someone to love you or to work things out. They have to WANT to do so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good luck. Probably too late, but if you read this, tell the MC that you WILL NOT STAY MARRIED TO HIM if he doesn't break all contact with her.


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## sugrbriches (Apr 22, 2013)

I wish it were as simple as telling him to choose, but he made it more complicated when he chose to get her hired on at his place of employment. He would have to have good reason to fire her as Texas is a right to work state. Plus, it's not just his call as to who gets hired and who gets fired. He's the general manager there but there are still other people that have a say about employment matters. 

On a positive note, our first session of couples counseling went well I thought. Our therapist basically told him straight out that he needs to "close the account" with S and that he was having an emotional affiar. I loved it! I was screaming out in my mind "HA!! See, I told you so!!!" Hubby just sat there. He didn't say much the whole time and I didn't expect him to...I'm still impressed that he agreed to go and that he even opened up as much as he did, even though it was minimal. He even agreed to go back next week for another session. Maybe there's hope after all.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He needs to make a choice in priorities. He can start looking for another job/position. Otherwise, you have three people in a two seater, ya know? There is no way he can continue there, especially since he's been dishonest about going to work and spending time with her. You're really thinking this is only emotional? What kind of man goes through all that just to 'hang out' with a girl? That's something you might do in elementary school but typically adults make out and have sex. 

He needs to cut off contact. ALL contact. Then, the focus needs to be on repairing the relationship and trust. That's a whole heck of a lot of work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not what Right to Work state means. Did he tell you that?

It means you don't have to join a union if you don't want to, and you can't be denied a job if you refuse.

And the only protection from being fired is in terms of discriminatory practices, like race.

At-will Employment? Right-to-Work? What Does It All Mean? | Lynchburg Business


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## sugrbriches (Apr 22, 2013)

I know what right to work means. I simply mean he can't just fire her to get rid of her. He would have to explain why he's wanting to fire her to the higher ups because she wouldn't have really done nothing wrong to get fired. Then she'd file for umemployment and then she'd get it and I'm sure the company wouldn't be happy about any of it. 

My husband can't just find another job. He's making quite a bit of money where he's at and our financial situation is one that we can't afford a pay cut. No way he'll make what he's making now anywhere else. It's all a really big mess!!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Well, then that is something you will have to consider. Can you live with the fact that he will see her every day. That you will never KNOW that they aren't carrying on behind your back. 

I could see if they worked a long distance from each other but in the same office? That's very difficult to live with to be honest.

What would happen to your financial situation in the event of a divorce? I'm not trying to sound harsh but this is the reality that HE created for you. It's up to you now to find what circumstances YOU can live with in that reality. 

As for not consummating it - I think you're fooling yourself. They work together in the same location. There are cars, hotels, etc. 

Right now, he's got the best of all situations. You won't pressure him to take action because it would cause you financial distress, the OW's husband has no cajones. He can do what he likes, when he likes and with which woman he likes and there's really no negative outcome.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you exposed it?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Most states at at-will states for employment. As long as it isn't discrimination, tell him he fires her or else he's out.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

sugrbriches said:


> Hi all! Just needing a place to vent! My husband of 12 years is having an emotional affair with another woman (I'll just call her a woman because I'm sure the words I want to use here aren't allowed. lol!). We'll call her S. Been going on for almost a year now and I'm just about to my breaking point! It's a very long story about how S became involved in our lives, but long story short, she is the girlfriend of one of my husband's childhood friends. We'll call him R. S&R also live in our neighborhood. Then to make matters even worse (for me anyways), my husband hired S to work for him!!!! So in addition to spending all day together, S calls him all the time, they text all the time, my husband buys gifts for her two children & god knows what else!! He used to take her & some of her other girlfriends to dinner - without me - and used to take her to lunch often. After doing a lot of fighting about that, I think some of the going out to eat has stopped, but the communication hasn't. He lies to me about "going to work" after hours & on the weekend but really goes to hang out with S. When I catch him, he says he's there "hanging out" with R. Whatever!!! I know R too and he's more reclusive than S. I've hung out over there before in the beginning when I tried to make friends with S, when she first entered our lives, so I know what goes on over there. Husband is most likely sitting outside drinking with S while she smokes like a freight train while R is inside watching TV or cleaning something.
> 
> So a little more background, yes, I tried to make friends with S. Hubby and I were already having some marital problems to begin with. I became an open book with her, let her in even though I didn't really trust her to begin with, hoping if she could just understand me then we'd become friends. Well, didn't work. Just backfired. She's so different from me and she just took everything she learned and decided I was "crazy and had issues" and started talking about me behind my back to all our friends.
> 
> ...


1) Get a lawyer and file for a divorce.

2) Get a restraining order barring him from the house.

3) Change the locks on all the doors.

4) When he comes home he finds his keys do not work and the papers are taped to the front door.

That'll be $0.05, please.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

scatty said:


> Most states at at-will states for employment. As long as it isn't discrimination, tell him he fires her or else he's out.


 If I understood her correctly, what she's really worried about is that her husband can't fire her, he has to run it through HR or headquarters or something, and he has no good reason to fire her - he would have to tell his employer she needs to go because he's been cheating with her and his wife wants her gone.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sugrbriches said:


> She's so different from me and she just took everything she learned and decided I was "crazy and had issues" and started talking about me behind my back to all our friends.


 Many couples have boundaries that do not allow for opposite sex friends (OSF). Most couples that do allow for OSF, share one common boundary, OSF must be friends of the marriage and friendly to the spouse. Since she is neither your friend or a friend of the marriage, and since she is in fact your enemy and an enemy of your marraige, she is a toxic friend that he should not be friends with. To further make the point, loyalty dictates that he not be friends with any toxic friend regardless of the sex of the friend. You both promised to forsake all other in your marraige vow, this is what it is talking about.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> 1) Get a lawyer and file for a divorce.
> 
> 2) Get a restraining order barring him from the house.
> 
> ...


 @OP: The above advice is not just wrong, but shows no understanding of the law. Please ignore it.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I've had more time to reflect on this. He's pulling away from you because he has no reason to respect you. You're allowing him to behave inappropriately and have shown that no matter what he does, you're not going to divorce him.

File now (time will allow you to change your mind before it finalizes) and start treating him as a stranger living in your house. Do not cook for him, do not do his laundry. 

I'm not saying to be rude or disrespectful but do no more than you would for a roommate renting a room in your house. 

He needs to know that you will not tolerate this.

Are you prepared to do that and MEAN it?


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