# 2 weeks before giving birth and husband no longer loves me



## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Hello All,
I am back. My husband and I have been married 6 years. We have had problems throughout. It all started in 2010, he left and cheated on me. I let him back in, in hopes it would work. Long story short from 2010-May2012 he left a total of 3 times. 

The divorce was nearly final when he said he would change, he had known what it was like to be without me and he promised it would all get better. I have been weak and insecure, I know it. So I gave in. In September 2012, I found out I was pregnant and we had been so happy, we have a 5 year old daughter. Up until recently we even started looking for a house. However, a week ago we got into a big argument. I told him I needed more affection and I wanted him to be more loving and I don't even know how it escalated but I ended up telling him if you don't want to be with me then just leave. Well he says he's leaving now. He doesn't want to be miserable for the rest of his life and he doesn't love me.

Problem is, I will have a baby in 2 weeks. Friday is my last day at my current job, we live with my mom and her home is foreclosing. He says he will buy a house and then leave, but what about me and his children? Supposedly, he will help us with what he can but when I ask him how he plans to do that with a new home he asks, "Well what do you want me to do, pay 2 rents?" 

I am so scared. My daughter starts school at the end of August, I have no one to drop her off or pick her up. The plan had been for me to find an easy part-time job once she got settled into school since we were planning on buying a house and so I could dedicate a lot of time to the new baby and now everything changes.

How could he not be considerate of my feelings at the moment? I feel so scared and alone and I just want someone to talk to. I have not been perfect but I never cheated on him, I never walked out on my family. I have given him everything and am left with nothing in return. I just want someone to talk to who understands. After multiple times of this happening, I dont want to tell my family. I am ashamed of the fool I have been. 

The quote below keeps coming into my mind. I have "real love" for him and I have a feeling that he will not change his mind this time but what do I do to pull him from my heart?

"Real love is a choice we make -it's not based on feelings. Anyone who has been in a long term relationship will tell you they don't always like their partner and they don't always have loving feelings toward them either. In fact being loving in the absence of these feelings is real love because it requires effort."


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

I guess my title or story is not interesting enough to prompt a reply? I am just looking for support. I can't get through the day without thinking of my husband and feeling like ****. I don't know what to do, what would you do in my situation and how do I manage to ignore him if we still live in the same home and sleep in the same bed? He tries to act like everything is normal, he is even kin and sweet, and tries to hug and kiss me but when I ask if he would try to work on our marriage, his answer is a flat out no.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

He's left 3 times? Why in the world did you get pregnant? Focus on you and the new baby. 

Sorry you are here.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

"He doesn't want to be miserable"...

...maybe it would do him well to stop blaming you for his misery. 

You're in the right place. Keep talking to us.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

I have been naive. In all honesty, I really did want another child and I figured it might as well be with him, he has been a really good father. My daughter adores him. I did think that he would see things differently. The old "I thought he would change for the better of his family" 

I know the things I have to change. I feel like I have been too dependent on him and clingy. Like my happiness has depended on him. I know I should be happy and whole with myself. I have read enough threads to know I should focus on myself.I am definitely stronger than at first but sometimes I am not sure how to fight the feelings of emptiness, fear, and desperation.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Your M has been on shaky ground almost from the start. Are you really interested in slogging it out with him? 

Your mom's house is being foreclosed on, you live there and yet he is going to find the money to buy a new house??? something doesn't compute.

What state do you live in?

In most states, if he buys a house while you are still married it is half yours and he can't keep you out. Maybe you can be housemates for a while. If not he will be responsible for child support and possibly spousal support...so the answer to his question is yes, he will be responsible for supporting 2 households.

What do you guys fight about?


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thanks SkyHigh, GutPunch, and Tron for replying. 

SkyHigh, I felt like we were doing ok for the past year. I didn't think he was miserable and I felt like I had made all the changes he had asked me for. If only he had tried to communicate what he was feeling, I would have been willing to do anything to work on our marriage.

Tron, you are right. Our marriage started off shaky almost a year in. We argue about stupid things. I tell him exactly what I need (ie, affection, consideration, help around the house) and he he hardly ever attempts to make any change. He says "stuff like affection comes naturally and he can't force it" Which I understand but stuff like sex comes naturally and although I don't force it I sure as hell tried really hard to improve our sex life. 

In the end, he completely shuts down. I end up doing all the talking during the argument and he hardly ever says anything. He says he prefers not to say anything he will regret or that I will hold on to but how am I suppose to know what bothers him if he won't tell me?

I live in Illinois. My mom co-owns the house and the other person can no longer pay it and it is so old and needs so many repairs, it is not worth for us to invest the money. Or else I and my husband (before things got bad) would have been willing to take over. However, we could find a house in way better shape and pay $700 less on the mortgage monthly. Of course, I am not longer part of his plans, I dont see how he expects me to find a job that will fit my daughter's school schedule, pay for my rent, and ridiculous prices on daycare for a newborn.
At first he did suggest co-living but then he changed his mind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he wants to go, then nothing you do is going to stop him.

It sounds like he has left you several times and maybe only stayed because of familiarity/because he felt bad.

My advice is to let him go if that is what he wants. 

Prepare for the worst and plan for the best (for your baby, future) without him. 

Nothing worse than trying to cling to someone who has demonstrated repeatedly that he doesn't care about you as muc as you care about him.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thanks Jellybeans. 

I want him to leave so i can begin to heal but I am afraid of all the financial implications if he leaves right now.

I would like him to stay until I find a job at least but how do I even begin to heal with him still in the house and acting like everything is fine and dandy.

I don't even know how to act around him. Should I be cold and distant or should I pretend he isnt there, should I be pleasant when he speaks to me and ignore him completely unless it has to do with the children? I have no idea, what advice can you all offer?


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow how old is this guy? Left three times and this is the fourth? A guy who would would leave his wife two weeks before giving birth is not a good person, in my opinion. I am so sorry for you. Is he cheating again? 

You need a lawyer. In Illinois, he'll most likely have to pay alimony and definitely child support. So you will have time to get on your feet and recover after the baby is born. Let friends and family help you and take care of your precious baby
_Posted via Mobile Device_q


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

He's "miserable" because his life didn't turn out as glamorous as he wanted it to be. Leaving so many times? He probably acted like a married single for awhile, I'm betting.

You deserve better.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

nodespair said:


> Thanks Jellybeans.
> 
> I want him to leave so i can begin to heal but I am afraid of all the financial implications if he leaves right now.


The financial implications are serious. You need a roof over your head.



nodespair said:


> I would like him to stay until I find a job at least but how do I even begin to heal with him still in the house and acting like everything is fine and dandy.


It is very hard to start the healing process until you separate, but IMO the financial implications should take precedence right now because of the baby.



nodespair said:


> I don't even know how to act around him. Should I be cold and distant or should I pretend he isnt there, should I be pleasant when he speaks to me and ignore him completely unless it has to do with the children? I have no idea, what advice can you all offer?


If you continue to live together then be cordial. No need for extra tension and stress in the house with a new baby on the way.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

TeaLeaves, he claims he is not cheating, I believe him. But I don't even care anymore, well thats how I feel at the moment but im sure if I found out otherwise, it be another slap in the face and I would be devastated . He is 25 and I am 26. 

I do not see him filing for divorce anytime soon and I really want to save my money, so spending money on a lawyer is not an option unless I really have to. Like if he files first and tries to take physical custody of the kids. Seeing as he has not shown any stability, he should be smart enough to know that a judge would not grant him such thing. 

I am so lucky to have my mom and sister. I know they will help me. It just makes me so sad for my baby boy and my daughter. I guess it is better now then later. I think I will being by seeking counseling for my daughter. She took it really hard last time and I want to prepare her. 

thanks for your advice Tron. I will be cordial. I have not been able to sleep or really eat for the past week. I am trying so hard to relax and not think about it but its so hard.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Skyhigh, the last time he left he did live out the single life for a bit. I was ready to let it all go and I think that's why he came back because he saw that I would forget him. I was stupid, there really is no other word to use. I wanted to build a family with him and I let my hopes and dreams take over. I thought he had finally learned his lesson. Yeah right.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

If you need an emergency place to live or other help, try contacting the social worker at the hospital you're planning to deliver at. I know how alone you must feel, the end of pregnancy is so physically and emotionally difficult without all this crap you have to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

I am hoping the bank does not kick us out of the house anytime soon. Hoping we can be there until October. The stress has been immense. My mom just missed her first payment (due May 16). I just want to be able to get back up on my feet. My current job had offered I come back for 10 hours and $2 less after the baby, its a non-profit org and budget is tight but that is a joke and it wouldnt even cover daycare expenses. 

If I need to I will talk to the social worker. I hadn't thought of that. At least they be able to give me counseling resources.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

So he's an overgrown manchild, then. Again, you can do better.

If my ex ever came back to me after pulling her "I want to be single!" BS, I'd better be dead first.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

SkyHigh, thanks for making me laugh. overgrown manchild, is probably the best way to describe him. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. If I wasn't pregnant and unemployed as of the end of this week, I think I would be doing better. 

Thank you all for your replies. They have really helped me feel better and I have stopped looking at my phone every 2 minutes hoping to see a text from him.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

nodespair said:


> I am hoping the bank does not kick us out of the house anytime soon. Hoping we can be there until October. The stress has been immense. My mom just missed her first payment (due May 16). I just want to be able to get back up on my feet. My current job had offered I come back for 10 hours and $2 less after the baby, its a non-profit org and budget is tight but that is a joke and it wouldnt even cover daycare expenses.
> 
> If I need to I will talk to the social worker. I hadn't thought of that. At least they be able to give me counseling resources.


Also, look up women's resource centers on the web. In my area, we have a Women's Center and they offer free emergency counseling as well as a free legal consultation with an attorney specializing in cases like yours. They will try to direct towards more resources too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

]Also, look up women's resource centers on the web. In my area, we have a Women's Center and they offer free emergency counseling as well as a free legal consultation with an attorney specializing in cases like yours. They will try to direct towards more resources too. Even with a separation, he needs to pay child support. You are not going to be able to work for awhile.


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## andrea2828 (Jun 28, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here. The quote in the bottom of your original post really hit me. 

I'm dealing with a man who has told me a lot of the same things. Especially the "affection should come naturally" types of lines. 

I am scared to death as well. I have no advice for you- just my thoughts. You aren't alone.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thanks so much for the advice TeaLeaves. I hope that if he does leave anytime soon he will be considerate enough to help financially without me having to take legal steps. It is only fair. However, he has done such unfair things I have a gut feeling I will be using the information you just gave me. I appreciate your support, it really helps to know others are going through the same pain as I am and take time to reply to me.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Andrea, I just do not understand why they think love is something that comes and goes. I have always known that it requires hard work and lots of commitment. I guess he along with other spouses feel it should come easy. But like life, love isnt easy and you need to go through pain to live happy moments. 

I am glad to know I am not alone. I m here to connect with people who know exactly what I am feeling. I hope that both you and I can muster the strength to heal.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think for the time being, you really needs to shelve those feelings of fear and desperation...stop applying the values of what your husband "ought" to be doing onto him...not that it isn't jerky...it just is going to add tension and he will feel nagged and claustrophobic. Give him the emotional space to let him sort out his own feelings without you having to corral him to get back in step. I'm not saying you are at fault...we all here just know what makes 'em make that decision. And even if he isn't cheating...some have cheated just to blow the whole damn thing apart because of how claustrophobic they feel in the relationship. Read Love Must Be Tough. Be pleasant, but don't be "I'M SOOO HAPPY! TRA-LA-LA...cos he will see that all as b.s. Just be pleasant, communicate things strictly according to business...back off a little. The more you panic and try to grab for him...the more repulsed he will be. Restore relational balance by backing off...then he may cool down and move back in your direction. That is why he acts negative one day and then amiable the next...he is off-balance, trying to find where his heart is.
Love Must Be Tough says it best...in try to imagine you are a car salesman, trying the same desperate tactics (oh please buy this car...I know it's all busted up, but...I need this sale!! For the love of God, don't leave me hanging!) Would you buy the car? Would you respect his pleas? Not likely. It seems childish, but just play it calm nice. But be strong and firm. Take your tears and venting elsewhere if they need to be expressed (close friends, pastor, support group).
You both are really young...so there are a lot of emotions at play. And you are dead on about not following your emotions...but it is hard not to when your fears keep getting triggered and you act on them. When you get afraid..you want to panic and grab him to stay...but that puts him in a fear mindset "get-away!!!" and all he knows is that he has to get out. So back off...let him talk when he is ready...and just nod and listen "Gosh I understand how you can feel that way" Read that book. Go for individual counseling. Study copdependency. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR DENIAL...look at this very soberly...accept some things about the marriage, and yourself...and then work on what YOU can do to change it...NOT focus on your husband to change. If you back off and he chooses to try again...that is NOT a time to get back into normal routine. Something you guys are doing, keeps bringing it back to this point. This is called a dysfunctional relationship. Get on it...your area of responsibility...YOUR heart, YOUR emotions, YOUR actions. Your husband should be working on his own. At the same time...start working on plans for worst case scenarios.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

The bank won't be able to kick you out of the house for a year. 

I am so sorry for you, this is one of the worsts scenarios I could think of, getting ready to have a child should be a very happy thing, whereas this is just the opposite. 

You need to talk to a lawyer at some point if he's serious about leaving. He sounds confused and immature and self absorbed. 

This board is a great resource, keep posting.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Thanks FormerSelf, I needed to hear that. I am constantly crying and asking him questions. Clingy and repulsive, I am sure. That is the behavior that I really need to control. I am trying. It helps to know I should be pleasant and back off. What do I do when he tries to kiss me or touch me? I don't want to reject him completely because in the back of my mind I wish we could work everything out but I also do not want to be readily available. I have asked him to respect my boundaries but he doesn't listen. I don't know if he is just playing games or if it's like you said "trying to find where his heart is"

I do believe I am co-dependent and you are right, I panic and start talking to him about my feelings and ask him to stay. I am going to stop, I will learn self-control. Should I just google co-dependency, do you have book recommendations on that topic?


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Doubletrouble, I was so excited for this baby. I still am but its not the same feeling of joy as two weeks ago. I just wish I could feel that again. The baby deserves better and so does my daughter.


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

nodespair said:


> I am hoping the bank does not kick us out of the house anytime soon. Hoping we can be there until October. The stress has been immense. My mom just missed her first payment (due May 16). I just want to be able to get back up on my feet. My current job had offered I come back for 10 hours and $2 less after the baby, its a non-profit org and budget is tight but that is a joke and it wouldnt even cover daycare expenses.
> 
> If I need to I will talk to the social worker. I hadn't thought of that. At least they be able to give me counseling resources.


Tell your mom to contact her lender to work out a loan modification. If she is experiencing a hardship, she doesn't necessarily have to lose the home. She might also benefit from mortgage counseling services. 

The bank can't just kick you out. It must go through the legal notification of intent to foreclose, the auction and then the eviction process (depending on your state: non-recourse vs. recourse) . You got time. 

I'm so sorry for you. I'm going through a cheater who was the primary supporter now. I'm out looking for a job -- even temp work. I can't imagine dealing with all this while pregnant! I'm so sorry.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Ovary, I am not sure how much my mom can do since she co-owns the house and the other owner can no longer pay. 

At least we won't be kicked out right away, thats a consolation. 

I am trying so hard to cope with it. I feel ok for a while and then suddenly its like a rush of panic and I feel physically ill. Just nauseous and headache. Don't even know if its the pregnancy or my nerves. 

this is ridiculous that I let someone make me feel this way. I feel so frustrated with myself. It's not like it's the end of the world, ugh!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

nodespair said:


> I do believe I am co-dependent and you are right, I panic and start talking to him about my feelings and ask him to stay. I am going to stop, I will learn self-control. Should I just google co-dependency, do you have book recommendations on that topic?


Start with "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

nodespair said:


> Ovary, I am not sure how much my mom can do since she co-owns the house and the other owner can no longer pay.
> 
> At least we won't be kicked out right away, thats a consolation.
> 
> ...


It NEVER hurts to ask. Lenders lose money on a foreclosure. They may be willing to work with you. Also, you could refinance the house in just her name if her credit and income allow for it. 

From experience, that's more situation than pregnancy symptoms. I frequently get nauseous for no reason. I had to change his text message tone to something obviously different cause I'd flare up with anxiety whenever I got a text. 

It's not the end of the world... buts its the end of the world as you knew it and everything you are feeling is normal and OK.  I feel like my world is ending every day. But I take it in chunks. I just gotta get through till dinner. I just gotta get through till tomorrow when my kids come home. I just gotta get through till Friday. Take it a day at a time.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

No it isn't the end of the world, but it's a change in your world and how you live in it. I'm praying for you.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Ovary, I will have my mom call the bank. Sadly, we can't afford the mortgage on our own but they may be able to help somehow. Thanks for the advice. 

Ive been thinking of getting through the day in chunks as well and 
thanks to all of you at TAM, I got through my work-day without one single text to him.

Now I get to go home and try to make it through the rest of the day without letting him see me cry (if he is there at all) or talking about our situation. I feel so trapped at home. Like I am suffocating, eating and sleeping are so hard to do lately. I WILL learn self-control and I CAN get through it (i'll be trying really hard at least)

Any advice on sleeping, how do you calm yourself enough to get some rest?


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## OvaryPunch (May 15, 2013)

Is there somewhere else you can go? Go to a movie? Take your kid to the park? I didn't want my STBXH to see me cry either. 

Personally, I take a melatonin before bed to help me sleep.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Yeah, Ill probably take my kid to the park. The problem is I want to be away from home everyday and I cant be spending that kind of money! lol Sitting at the park for too long, just gets me thinking a lot. 

I am going to schedule a doctor's appointment if I continue to be unable to sleep. Maybe he'll prescribe something safe.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You really should be doing whatever you can to get legal advice about your rights and obligations. If money is so tight, you might qualify for legal aid. But your husband's comment about "two rents" shows that he's pretty clueless about what his new reality will be as well. No matter how much he'd like to cut loose, he WILL be paying for two rents, most likely.

C


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

PBear said:


> You really should be doing whatever you can to get legal advice about your rights and obligations. If money is so tight, you might qualify for legal aid. But your husband's comment about "two rents" shows that he's pretty clueless about what his new reality will be as well. No matter how much he'd like to cut loose, he WILL be paying for two rents, most likely.
> 
> C


:iagree:




nodespair said:


> I am constantly crying and asking him questions. Clingy and repulsive, I am sure. That is the behavior that I really need to control. I am trying. It helps to know I should be pleasant and back off. What do I do when he tries to kiss me or touch me? I don't want to reject him completely because in the back of my mind I wish we could work everything out but I also do not want to be readily available. I have asked him to respect my boundaries but he doesn't listen. I don't know if he is just playing games or if it's like you said "trying to find where his heart is"


Clingy and repulsive are not attractive and will push him away. Be pleasant / cordial. Try your best not to react to him.

Since you guys are kind of stuck together for a while, at least until he finds his own place, if he tries to kiss you or touch you and you are not up for it, just tell him firmly but nicely that you are not OK with him kissing or touching you when he wants to divorce you. JMO, I don't think he will stop, because he may indeed be trying to find where his heart is and he isn't very emotionally mature.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I know you are going through a very rough situation, but try your best to keep as positive as possible. Your stress hormones affect your baby. I remember reading some medical literature some years ago (I am a medical student) and was pretty dismayed to know what mothers going through depression during pregnancy were found to have offspring with higher rates of depression. I don't know if you are in a state of depression right now, as this seems like a shock more than anything... but still we don't really know how all your stress levels are affecting your unborn child. It's fortunate that your unborn child is nearly full-term so that is good, as I would presume there could be more negative affect in the earlier stages of pregnancy. Nonetheless, try to meditate or find a calm place, so that he/she is affected to the minimum by all the stress in your body. Eat good quality food too (nothing unhealthy), as I also have read that a mother's food during pregnancy also has long-term effects on her offspring.

For your daughter also, I'm sure she needs a mother who is put together right now, with her father leaving. So try to get as much help and outside support as possible so you can get through this painful time with as little trauma as possible, to help yourself and both of your children. And even though this may not help right now... I hope you never let that man have the opportunity to hurt you again.

I truly hope that things get better soon... I'm sorry.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

PBear said:


> You really should be doing whatever you can to get legal advice about your rights and obligations. If money is so tight, you might qualify for legal aid. But your husband's comment about "two rents" shows that he's pretty clueless about what his new reality will be as well. No matter how much he'd like to cut loose, he WILL be paying for two rents, most likely.
> 
> C


Last time around, he made me feel so guilty about the amount of child support that he would have to provide. My lawyer (from a year ago) kept telling me that a lot of men do not complain about the support they have to provide and that it is required by law. I felt so bad because I didn't want to leave him without anything and even asked my lawyer if we could settle on lower amount. At that point I had a job and a stable place to live.

Always looking out for him, not anymore. I won't let him make me feel bad again. He wants out, then he can pay. I have sacrificed plenty for our family. He finally got a really good job last year so if he chooses to leave while I do not even have a stable job, day care for our children or place to live then its his choice. I don't think I have to seek legal counsel just yet but I will as soon as he decides to walk out.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Tron said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Tron, I did really good last night. I did not mention our situation. I took our daughter to the park after he got home. I was cordial and we just stayed out of eachother's way. 

Of course, he kept asking me "what's wrong" my answer was "nothing I am fine" In a normal pleasant voice. But are you f****** kidding me, what do you mean what is wrong? Before bed of course he tried to kiss me and be intimate, so you were right. I am buying the co-dependency book FormerSelf suggested on my Kindle. That should give me something to do and some in sight. I am hoping today goes as well as yesterday or better.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

rks1 said:


> I know you are going through a very rough situation, but try your best to keep as positive as possible. Your stress hormones affect your baby. I remember reading some medical literature some years ago (I am a medical student) and was pretty dismayed to know what mothers going through depression during pregnancy were found to have offspring with higher rates of depression. I don't know if you are in a state of depression right now, as this seems like a shock more than anything... but still we don't really know how all your stress levels are affecting your unborn child. It's fortunate that your unborn child is nearly full-term so that is good, as I would presume there could be more negative affect in the earlier stages of pregnancy. Nonetheless, try to meditate or find a calm place, so that he/she is affected to the minimum by all the stress in your body. Eat good quality food too (nothing unhealthy), as I also have read that a mother's food during pregnancy also has long-term effects on her offspring.
> 
> For your daughter also, I'm sure she needs a mother who is put together right now, with her father leaving. So try to get as much help and outside support as possible so you can get through this painful time with as little trauma as possible, to help yourself and both of your children. And even though this may not help right now... I hope you never let that man have the opportunity to hurt you again.
> 
> I truly hope that things get better soon... I'm sorry.


Rks1, thanks so much for your concern. It really has made me feel so much better that people care and have taken the time to reply. I was thinking about this last night and realized you are all real, you are all going through something similar and I don't have to feel like no one understands. It made me feel better. 

Luckily, all this stress occurred just this past week and the baby is full-term now. However, you are right, I really do need to try and keep calm. I slept better last night and I tried to eat. A panic just kinda takes over and my stomach flip flops and I just don't feel like eating. I did better this morning. I also feel like major depression will kick in after the baby is born (or once he leaves) so i am going to talk to my doctor and take medication if I need to, I don't want my kids to see me like that.

I hate those moments, when you realize your world is changing and then your body just feels physically ill. I was thinking about what you said, "never letting him hurt me again" and I thought I wanted this to work but after so many times, there is no point. Just last week I felt I loved him and I still care for him but if he is careless enough to hurt me while I'm 37 weeks pregnant with his child and is unwilling to work on the relationship. There is no point. I do own up to my mistakes though. I let him walk all over me, I allowed him to return each and every time. Now, I have to figure out why? Why have I been so weak?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

In dealing w/ stress, especially when wife and I were separated..and I felt like I was just going to lose it...I would imagine all those things I couldn't control, things I feared, things that made me angry, the future, the pain...I would imagine it as being gathered into a ball and leaving my body into my hands...then I would lift my hands as if I were handing them to God (or higher power if you prefer)...and say, "God, I release this all to you...please take it." And it helped me.

Yes...Codependent No More is a good book...so is Love is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships. Boundaries or Boundaries In Marriage also helped me a lot...shows what you are responsible for and NOT responsible for.

When things happen like this...one has to prioritize...First, just some basic internal work, just to be able to get up and get out of bed and function in daily life. Second, is basic safety measures...food, shelter, clothes. Third, is taking care of yourself and those who may rely on you. Fourth, in my mind would be an extension of the first...and that is dig a little deeper beyond just functioning in life, but getting healing, wholeness, and happiness. Fifth, is your relationships. If you can't take care of yourself...and getting some emotional balance there...you won't be reconnecting with your spouse at a healthy level...it will be more about survival and fear of loss. BUt if you take care of yourself independently...you will have a more sober take on things...with greater discernment and stronger boundaries.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> In dealing w/ stress, especially when wife and I were separated..and I felt like I was just going to lose it...I would imagine all those things I couldn't control, things I feared, things that made me angry, the future, the pain...I would imagine it as being gathered into a ball and leaving my body into my hands...then I would lift my hands as if I were handing them to God (or higher power if you prefer)...and say, "God, I release this all to you...please take it." And it helped me.
> 
> If you can't take care of yourself...and getting some emotional balance there...you won't be reconnecting with your spouse at a healthy level...it will be more about survival and fear of loss. BUt if you take care of yourself independently...you will have a more sober take on things...with greater discernment and stronger boundaries.


FormerSelf, I have been practicing your advice of handing my anxieties over to a high power. I have been feeling better and although I'd like to think it's because i have gotten used to the fact that he will eventually be walking out, I think it's simply because no date has been set and he is still there. 

However, I have not discussed the situation with him at all. I have been keeping busy. Although, I do not have a strong belief in God, I have decided to do some research on spirituality. I feel that it will really help me. The past two weeks have been hard but friends who have no idea what is going on have contacted me and we have talked about my relationship with my husband and how they feel that I should be in a really good place right now. I find that to be either a great coincidence or a nudge in a certain direction, i don't know. The point is that it is finally time for me to let go. It hurts to say that but I think that is what I have to do. As much as I want to continue fighting for my marriage, I cannot be the only one fighting. 

I am so scared. Scared to be alone, for my kids, my financial situation, sleeping alone at night, scared to never find love again (the list goes on and on) and that fear is what has gotten me here. If I can learn to love myself, be whole, then maybe one day I will find a person who I can happily spend the rest of my life with. One can only hope.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

I feel so sad today. I hate this limbo. I hate that he gives me mixed signals. I am so weak. I should be looking forward to the birth of our baby instead I am stressing over not having a job because he changed our plans. I wish I could stop caring for him, I am trying to detach but at the moment I am completely failing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Hi Nodespair. I just read your thread. You may not realize it, but you are amazingly strong. I can’t imagine going through all this as you are about to give birth. 

Detaching doesn’t happen overnight. It will take time, but you will get there. I like the comment that someone posted for when your H tries to get intimate (‘I’m not okay with kissing when you are about to divorce me.’). It spells it out nicely and puts it on him.

What plans do you have for the birth? Is he to be there?

Take care.

Hug.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Frostflower, thanks for your reply. I have been reading co-dependent no more and highlighting all the quotes that help. Lately, I feel like I don't love him anymore. After everything that he has done, I wonder how I can even love someone so selfish. I wonder if I am lying to myself? I hope not. 

He will be there for the birth. I'm not sure I want him there. He can see the baby as soon as he is born, that's fine with me. I am having a c-section, and I am not sure if I want him there during the surgery, he insists. I can ask my mom but I feel like I will still feel really lonely with her there (not bc of anything she has done, Just in my head I guess) also he was there for my first so I suppose it's the familiarity.

Lately, parenting my daughter has been hard. He paints me out to me the bad guy. She asks to use her IPad (which he bought) I say no and he says yes. I don't know what to do. I have asked him not to contradict me in front of her. Or he will say stuff like, "no, you can't bc if I say yes your mother will yell at me" then I end up saying yes bc I feel bad. I don't want my daughter to think I'm a monster but I want to show her consistency and stability. What do I do? He is also always buying her new clothes and toys. I am so afraid when he leaves she will want to go with him BC he gives her whatever she wants. I knw a judge(I hope) wont grant him physical custody but I don't want her to resent me.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Its your body and you are the one giving birth. If you don’t want him there, its your right not to have him there. If you decide that you don’t want him in the delivery room, talk to your doctor. Let him/her know your situation and that having your H in the room will up set you. It is all about your health and the baby’s health and the doctor should support your decision. No one should be in that room who is not there to support you, and it doesn’t sound like he is much support.

Contradicting you or making you the bad guy is not fair to your daughter. I’m not sure how you should handle it when it happens, but document every time it happens, with the date. You may need this should he decide to contest custody.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

nodespair said:


> I was thinking about what you said, "never letting him hurt me again" and I thought I wanted this to work but after so many times, there is no point. Just last week I felt I loved him and I still care for him but if he is careless enough to hurt me while I'm 37 weeks pregnant with his child and is unwilling to work on the relationship. There is no point. I do own up to my mistakes though. I let him walk all over me, I allowed him to return each and every time. Now, I have to figure out why? Why have I been so weak?


I think many of us struggle with this. I definitely do.... as I'm also a total giver, and have let my STBXH take advantage of me time and time again. My H never cheated on me, but his mother is the 'other woman', as he puts her ahead of me. He even continues to live with her rather than me (we've been married 1.5 year)... since I won't allow her to stay with us for extended visits (2+ months) each year. Everyone has told me time and time again to let him go, yet I have hung on too long because somewhere deep down I still want the marriage to work, even though the hope is mostly gone now and I have contacted a lawyer to file papers.

I don't think you are weak. I think you are also still struggling to let go of that final hope that he may change someday. Hope is one of the hardest things to let go of. But him cheating on you, and later leaving you again and again is so completely disrespectful to you. He's done it before to you, so it's not like this was a one-time deal he learned from and deeply regretted. He never went out of his way to prove to you that this would never ever happen again... he just continues to walk out again and again so and doesn't even care. It's a constant disregard for his vows. If you were abusing him, that's one thing... but walking out just because he doesn't want to take responsibility for you is not cool. And it models such poor behavior for your daughter... definitely not a father role-model. Rather than acting like a husband, he runs off like an immature child. (In many ways, my STBXH is like this too... as my STBHX has also abandoned me, though at least not when I'm pregnant.)

Ultimately it's your decision at the end, and none of us here can tell you when to give up on your marriage... even though we all know that you deserve better than to be treated this way. You will know when you've had enough of his abuse and will decide to move on. But I completely understand that the unknown can be scary... as sometimes being with a negative person who is familiar to us can often feel more comfortable than letting go.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

Its been a long time.

Although, I am not divorced. I want everyone to know, that it GETS BETTER. I am no longer scared. The love for my husband has started to fade. I am currently in graduate school and I am looking to pick myself up so that I can do it on my own. 

To anyone who is feeling sad, alone, and worthless Time heals everything. Indifference to the person who has hurt you will come. it took me 4 years of his lying and cheating but I am finally ready to walk away. On my terms and when I am ready.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Congratulations! It is good to hear you are moving ahead and getting over your husband.I wish you the best of luck in your studies and in your future and merry Xmas to you and your your children.


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