# Three years post d-day.



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

On Dec 11, 2014 my life changed. I thought myself in a fairy tale. Head over heels for husband, counting lucky stars, etc... 

He cheated. The details to rehash are unimportant, but he and I both faced consequences in regards to our actions. His that he broke my trust that may never return in fullest measure, was kicked out to live in a shack this time last year, came back in around christmas and we never really started Reconcilliation until around May, June of this year. 

Infidelity and the aftermath is a process, and in many ways I chose the harder road. 

He has been "GOOD" I believe. I have found no evidence to contrary, and i do look from time to time. (sleuth) But have come up empty handed. 

He loves on me, and tries to cuddle. Im more cold and reserved. I don't feel the same... Not to say that i have no love for him. I just don't feel the same kind of cuddly, affectionate drive, and it makes me feel awkward. 

One thing that i have noticed is that i feel i am a wayward without actually committing act. I have no romantic partner unless you call my obsession with the relationships between movie characters a relationship. I am escaping my sadness through the excitement of storied characters, that dont exist.... Is this not text book? 

Anyways.... I escape my troubles, and maybe it is not healthy. 

Three years out. Things are so much better than two, or one, but I'm not out of the shadows yet. It still is a pressing matter upon mind.


----------



## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

Do you honestly believe the shadows will ever completely disappear?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Are you happy? What is the quality of your life like? Would this be the life you choose?


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Happy... No.

Content, (sometimes) 

Would this be the life I choose? hmmm... Yes I chose this life, did it measure up to expectation? (no) 

Quality of life is decent. I have nice home, and we dont argue as much anymore. (Before affair: we hardly ever, almost never argued) After, hostile at least three times a week for nearly two years. Now it is calm again. Maybe an argument or fight once a month or less. 

He is VERY helpful with the kids, and he is better at doing things around the house to help me out. 

His behavior is very positive and directed firmly at Reconciliation. 

Me, it's still a struggle. 

It takes time, and it may take longer yet.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

threelittlestars said:


> Happy... No.
> 
> Content, (sometimes)
> 
> ...


Yes, it does take time. It's not capable of a short term fix. Nothing worthwhile ever is.


----------



## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, it does take time. It's not capable of a short term fix. Nothing worthwhile ever is.


There are lots of "worthwhile things" that don't require a fraction of the time and effort that is necessary to rebuild a marriage after one partner has had sex with another person. That sort of repair job is probably THE most difficult thing a person would ever have to do. Which is why many simply walk away. It's like ripping off a bandaid. Hurts more at first but the wound eventually heals. As compared to one that is constantly picked at and is always oozing, even if only a little bit.


----------



## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Building the Tower of Babel would be worthwhile if it were possible to access Heaven from a freestanding structure. The problem is it's impossible. This is a bridge to nowhere. I don't understand these codependent relationships where the cheater is kicked out of the house then allowed to come back to exist in what is now an even more toxic relationship.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Projection has a habit of turning/reducing OTHER peoples situation to black and white. Nothing is impossible when two are trying. As to getting kicked out, hum...he got kicked out because people HERE have a habit of not thinking any spouse who stays home is facing any consequences. I was convinced that it was right to do and i was stupid to not show a tough line. I did, and it wasnt magic. It didn't work out instantly. 

If i had to do it over again I would not have kicked him out to the shed (yes he lived in a shed). Was TAM wrong? No! It was a trial and error thing, and we tried it and it did not work for us. 

And how you assume that this is an even more toxic relationship is a leap by far. This is a much less toxic environment.... It is not perfect... 

Telling me to scrap the relationship is not helpful because that is not where im at. 
This is year three... If you think it should be all daisy's at that point you need reality check. 

This is just an honest perspective of Reconciliation without the common veil of denial, claiming "we're better than ever!" 
"We are in a more honest relationship." ect. Puke... 

Those statements from one vantage is true, but i tend to think those are rose colored glasses worn by the desperate. Im not desperate.... Im just real.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

It’s brave, dare I say, of you to choose to R. I have not been in your situation so I cannot say I understand. All I can say is that if my husband cheated on me I couldn’t say for sure I want a D immediately. I am not sure I have the strength. All the best in what you choose to do.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Happy... No.
> 
> Content, (sometimes)
> 
> ...


Why? If you had to boil it down to a sentence or two why live a life you are not happy in?

What has your husband done to change his nature? What does being good mean, just not cheating anymore?

What did he do? PA, EA, more then one? Short or long term affair?

Have you had ever had another relationship before to compare this one to?

Is there a point where it will take too much time verses how happy you are or are you prepared that it's possible you may post this same thing 15 years from now like some of the posts we have seen from SI? Maybe this isn't you but it just seems like lots of people are unhappy but just keep holding on for the next year because the NEXT YEAR is the one where they will finally be happy and make it all worth it. Their marriage seems like a sunk cost fallacy.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Do not WS go on a quest for more happiness when they have an affair? Fantasize on another life when they imagine life with another? 

I look at my life as contented, sometimes bitter because of his history, but I strive to no longer have that dictate my actions more than reasonable. I am no longer reactive to the situation emotionally. But i wish to feel fully what i had before. But in my heart i know it would not be the same, and it might not be as deep, but the love and dedication is there. 

I chose to be content and try to grasp what i once thought i had. I am still young, and another hand full of years wont hurt to keep striving for betterment and happiness within the marriage since i have obviously not given up hope that things will only improve. 

I am not pro reconciliation or pro divorce. I am a case by case person, and i wanted only to mention that even three years out it is not perfect... that if you go down this path in many ways it is much harder. That you risk more by staying than leaving. 

But i'm a betting girl.  And i hope this is the right horse.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Why? If you had to boil it down to a sentence or two why live a life you are not happy in?
> 
> What has your husband done to change his nature? What does being good mean, just not cheating anymore?
> 
> ...


He had an EA more than one. Was looking for hook up's. Did not believe for a year it never went to PA and eventually polygraphed him. Either he is a good liar or he passed. So only online EA and attempted hook ups local.


----------

