# Intimacy after the affair - still can't kiss hello but want to have sex with him??



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Though I am dealing with a lot of the insecurities on trying to see the good after his EA, I find myself more sexually attracted to him than before.

This seems strange to me, b/c for the last several years, our sex life had been almost non-existent (for many reasons including some that were medical) only once or twice a month for his satisfaction mostly.

However, over the last week or so, I find that I want to be with him and am having very strong urges, but the confusing part is I still find it hard to hug him or even give him a kiss hello/goodbye. But when we go to bed each evening I find him almost irresistible (though I have yet to act on it).

I don't understand why this is... has anyone else found this to be true?


----------



## Tryingtolookup (Oct 26, 2010)

HurtingInNC said:


> Though I am dealing with a lot of the insecurities on trying to see the good after his EA, I find myself more sexually attracted to him than before.
> 
> This seems strange to me, b/c for the last several years, our sex life had been almost non-existent (for many reasons including some that were medical) only once or twice a month for his satisfaction mostly.
> 
> ...


Yes. You want the physical release and to feel wanted. The not wanting to kiss part is due to the betrayal.


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I found my girlfriend irresistible after she had her EA but yet I was reluctant to hold her hand. I don't know how to explain it. I guess maybe it is some sort of validation that you are still sexually attractive to the person even though they have strayed.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am just asking so please don't take it the wrong way, my girlfriend actually asked me this after my H's affair:

Could it be that you are scared of losing him, so you want sex to validate that he wants you and to keep him having a connection with you? Almost like now that someone else was stepping in on him you want him more?

I thought my friend was crazy for asking me that, but I do think she had a point. Because I couldn't hug or kiss him, but I would have sex with him. Almost like I thought that would some how make him stay??


----------



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

First of all I am glad to hear that I am not the only one and no offense taken. I have wondered this myself and believe that is one reason as to why I have not actually followed through with my urges. I am trying to figure out why I feel so drawn to him sexually but yet can not even show the simplest of casual affection to him yet.

It is not like our sex life was so hot and heavy and frequent that I have these overwhelming desires, it is now that I think about him sexually more often then before... and in a different light.

There are still so many conflicting thoughts and feelings and emotions.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I thinks its odd that you haven't acted on those urges. Sex is what holds it together. (I believe)

For me, a guy, I thought that since shes was having sex with OM's, I needed to show her that I could "compete" with the best of them. So we had sex right of way, and several time a day. But we always had sex, just no kissing, for years.

As for as hugs, holding hands, and kisses. I believed I had to jump in and do these things constantly. My thinking has I need to win here back, kind of thing.

And yes my actions still do'nt help with the "so many thoughts and feelings and emotions". 
I/we still have to stay focused on the connection thing.

Good luck, we'll need it


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I'm the opposite. I had EA, I don't contact him anymore, but I have same confusion with my spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

This is to "the guy".... 

I think I am having a hard time with the "sex is what holds it together" part because right now in my mind, sex is what has torn us apart. He had sex outside of our marriage. 

I believe that I have not acted on anything for a couple of reasons, one isn rejection, is he going to reject me because I am not her? Is it going to be an intimate moment shared between two people who love each other (more importantly are still in love with each other), or just a sex act?

When our sex life was good, he always told me how good I was but it obviously wasn't enough so I am afraid of putting myself out there again.

How are things between you two now, did becoming intimate early seem to bring you two back together? Do you still question her feelings for you? How long ago did the EA happen and how long before you became intimate again? Were you two touchy feely before, hugging/kissing etc. without it being attached to sex?

Sorry for so many questions, but it is not like there is a 'manual' to go by to fix it


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can see how that thought can effect the sex with intimacy thing. But I believe my wife hand sex out side the marraige as a result of a problematic marraige. Kind of like the affair is the out come of a troubled marriage. 

-Things are great with us.
-Yes for me it did, I needed to give her what she was looking for, and show her I could be intimate
-No, She always had feeling for me, it was me that lacked feelings.
- I confronted her Feb. 12th 2010
- very much the oppisite.

From what shes telling me, she could never get attached to the other men b/c they always knew she was married and she couldn't fall for a guy who knowingly slept with a married women. So for her there was never a time when feelings came into her cheating. She was looking for someone to play with and get attention, a friend. 

There was a time when we hadn't kissed in five years. No hugs no intimacy, just sex. She always wanted me but I was never there. 19 years ago I started resenting her b/c she wasn't much of a house keeper, and secondly I was more into rough sex then she was, and things just went south. 
She also had her resentments and we just drifted apart. I got my needs from my work, and she got her needs from other guy.

Now we are understanding each other, for me, I just had to focus my attention on her. I quess it is a little easier in our case, b/c my cheating spouse always wanted me but I wasn't giving my self to her, I was giving it to my work.

So my fix was easy, b/c I know that she wants me, all I have to do is want her back.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think this is very normal, I also felt a bit of this, someone on this site told me it's something called hysterical bonding......when you have a loss of this type.........
It's all normal and you are not going crazy........
I guess I would say just enjoy it.........


----------

