# The Secret to a Long and Successful Marriage



## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

A very wise old woman once told me *the secret to a long and successful marriage.* She said:

_"You fall in and out of love with your husband/wife all throughout your marriage. You always love him/her but you are not in love with him/her. And it is what you do when you are not in love with him/her that makes or brakes a marriage"_

so yes, i do believe you can love but not be in love. I have experienced it over and over in my 9 year marriage. I also love my husband, just sometimes that love is the giddy, freecaring, romantic, stargazing, heart racing, sexy, head in the clouds kind of love {thats when you are in love} which everyone has experienced and enjoys. But you cant stay that way for years and years, life gets in the way, you have kids, you change diapers {nothing romantic about that}, you pay bills {not romantic}, you get sick and feel like dog sh*t {definately not sexy} So most of the time, i just love him. But if you just hold on long enough,{in my case i waited up to 2 or 3 years} and if you have a partner that actually cares about you, you will notice one day, out of the blue, WHAM...you get that fluttery feeling again when you look at him, and you just cant keep your hands off him, and before you know it, you are all in love with him/her again...

problem is most people start thinking something is wrong with their marriage because they no longer get the fluttery feeling when the look at their partner or because life has gone stale and has no excitement. And then they start to look for all the bad things the other is doing, and start keeping score and who does more and holding gruges. For reals, if you had the kind of excitement everyday of your marriage like you have when you first start dating, honestly you would have a heart attack or cardiac arrest from all the heart pounding sensations. but instead of finding a way to treat the other person better, we start blaming them and complaining more about everything. its all the more harder, when one person in the relationship doesnt even TRY to make the other feel loved or cherished. When you stop doing "little things" for the other person just to make them smile and just because you love them only because you are mad that you did more dishes last week. Well it is just stupid and petty. When you are too busy playing the blame game, then you cant see the good things that are happening and they do. And when you keep looking for all the bad things, guess what, you find bad things. This is a time when you need to look for the good and not focus on the bad. Or even making some good things happen yourself.

And if you give up, get divorced just because you are bored and daily life has no excitement, you will soon find yourself in a vicious never ending cycle. You will get divorced from this man, fall in love with another, find and deal with whatever his damage is {because they (we)all have some issues}, work it out, life gets boring, then divorce that one and so on and so forth. you will never reach the end reward, which is the happliy ever after, growing old together. come on, have you seen two elderly people skipping around and chasing after each other? no...you see them walking quietly, slowly, holding hands. or sitting side by side, reading or watching tv but not talking just enjoying each others companionship but not have to entertain all the time. 

so i, for one, believe in the secret .......


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MrsVain said:


> _"You fall in and out of love with your husband/wife all throughout your marriage. You always love him/her but you are not in love with him/her. And it is what you do when you are not in love with him/her that makes or brakes a marriage"_


I agree and as recentcloud wrote in another post, Some journey's you travel with a partner and some you travel alone. 

i think one assumes that just because one is married they'll never have to travel alone again, which i have decided is not the case. It is how one handles the road alone that counts.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I agree and as recentcloud wrote in another post, Some journey's you travel with a partner and some you travel alone.
> 
> i think one assumes that just because one is married they'll never have to travel alone again, which i have decided is not the case. It is how one handles the road alone that counts.


that is a different way of seeing it. I think we all dont have to be with our spouses 24/7 and each path doesnt always lead to the same roads. Just as long as you meet at the crossroads, every now and then.


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## Bremik (Feb 6, 2009)

Hey Mrs. Vain glad to hear from you again but sad to hear things aren't better but I kind of figured it wasn't good you haven't been on. I'm curious if you're taking cues from your statements on this post and having second thoughts about divorce.
I was getting e-mails from mort ferrel and two big things he wrote really made me think and reflect. 
1) Sometimes divorced people do better in the next relationship because they realize their mistakes in their previous relationship. (I realize that statistically once you divorce your chance for the next marriage/relationship goes up. So I'm a little confused on this )
2) There was something to the effect that you think when you get divorced that your getting rid of your problems but turn and have similar problems in your next relationship. Saying basically that if you don't figure out and fix what is wrong on your part in a failing relationship you're only doomed to set up the same circumstances.

I realize these two statements are conflicting but I quess what I got out of it is on average (barring abuse, mental illness, addictions, getting married because of pregnancy etc.) we all marry someone on the premise that we really like being around them and ultimately love them more than anyone else because of how they're different from others. When a marriage breaks down it has a lot to do with the fact that as partners we forget what it was that we originally liked. It seems in the long marriages I've seen that even though things develop in their partner that they don't like (or chose to ignore initially) they still appreciate them for what they originally loved them for. Life can really suck at times and unfortunately we can take it out on the ones we love the most which can start a serious strain in our relationships. If we could focus on what we orginally chose our mates for and try to realize that everyone reacts to life's crap differently I don't think we'd have so many divorces or regrets. If your husband continually complains about having to work so much can it be reevaluated about how much he needs this job - i.e. can he get another job or can you in any way get some more work to add to the money pile and let the older kids take more responsibility around the house and/or babysitting duties? I know it's not your intention but by trying to motivate him around the house or for your realationship do you make him feel not adequate? Why does he drink so much? Is it a genetic influence or is he that stressed by life? I am by no means any authority but he doesn't beat any of you, he does work and come home I thought you have said you do have good moments (I realize not anywhere close to what you should have) from time to time. Is it really worth going it alone, giving up 8+ years of your and your kids lives in investment in him to go it alone in what would be probably a worse life because of you being the only wage earner and being away a lot more from the kids to make the money. I know it's not this neat and tidy but I think if all of us would stop and remember how things were with our spouse before life stepped in we'd fight harder and be more appreciative of what we do have. I'm not picking on you at all and I know how hard you've tried and have some idea of how you feel but I'm just saying look at everything to make your decisions. Is there any way you and he could get a weekend or even an evening or overnight alone with no serious talk and just be a dating couple? Find and remember what it was that made you marry him and see if it still exists somewhere. Don't assume things you can't prove beyond a doubt. You know he's hurting to, try to figure out what it is.
Sorry for the spewing but I really wish you the best and hope your pain goes away to be replaced by happiness.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

Thanks for that Bremik, 

I always and continue to have second thoughts about divorce. second, third, forth, fifth, sixth and so on. which is why i am still married. Some times i catch myself in a loop, thinking and rethinking and thinking again. which is when i got on this site because i couldnt make heads or tails on if i was just blowing it out of portion or if i was right in my assuption that my husband was doing me wrong.

You are also correct in the fact that it hasnt gotten any better and that is why i havent been online for a while. But i will try to answer or address all your concerns.

I am not so much worried that this will happen if i get married again, I believe the only reason THIS is happening now is because he is not stepping up and doing his part. he is not trying to make it work at all no matter what suggestions i try, or what i ask of him or beg or plead or threaten. he just walks around silently for a few weeks then acts like nothing happened and it is just like any old other day and we didnt just fight about whatever it was we fought over. AND then he also doesnt try to make it up or better, and eventually will do whatever it is again. I am just so tired of being sick and tired and disgusted at him. I am willing to give in but i cant make this work and do everything by myself. i have talked til i was blue but i am talking to a brick wall.

In fact things have gotten worse if that was even possible. Our problem is not about his job. It is the best job in this small area that he can do with his HS degree. He doesnt complain about it, he just uses as An Excuse so that when i ask him to do something or why hasnt he done something {mow the grass, fix the fence, ....} He says quotation Well, I work. Which my response is, EVERYONE works. The people who have nice yards and clean houses, work. That has nothing to do with WHY you cant or havent mowed the grass or whatever. I work too and we are doing well with whatever income we have because i am good with money and i do the finances. I have asked him to take some classes or even go back to school in order for him to get a job that HE wants to do. But HE DOESNT Want to go back to school or take classes and he doesnt have a lot of options open to him with just a HS degree. So that is that. And i dont care anymore. Everyone works, many people hate their job, sh*t i HATE my job. but that doesnt mean you come home and hurt the people you love or excuses you from doing things to make your family and home good.

Apparently i am just too much for him. I want too much or expect too much and i am too smart for hiim to give his pisspoor excuses and be satisfied with a half azz living. Yes, I am sure that because i know what i know about things that he does not, {ie How to put in sheetrock} that in a way it makes him feel stupid or inadequate. HOWEVER.... i dont try to shove it down his throat, or belittle him for not know. I give him credit for trying. The only thing that i hold against him, is that he uses his not knowing as An Excuse not to do something. And it doesnt hold water for me.... Not knowing how to do something is NOT a good reason not to get it done. I am a female, and have been all my life. I didnt have any brothers so my dad taught us girls how to do things. With that i learned just because i am a girl, doesnt mean i cant fix a tire, change the oil, mow the grass, build a house, chop wood. I also learned that if i dont know how to do something, I learn. I ask questions, have someone show me, read a book or take a class. I find it enlightening to learn a new thing and enjoy not only the learning process but in doing something myself. I take pride in doing it. However, my husband does not. He doesnt want to learn, read a book or grow mentally in any way. He not only doesnt want to learn ANYTHING but also has no pride in ANYTHING. I just cant live that way anymore. Its not that i give a sh*t what people think {i am way too strong and secure} but in a way i dont want to give people a reason to talk or think badly or poorly about me either. If that makes sense... like oh, mrsvain yard is overgrown with weeds, or her children are a bunch of brats, or there are broken toys everywhere or dirty faces and clothes. to me that is just not acceptable, apparently it is for him.


i could care less why he drinks so much anymore. To me, he is just being plain selfish. I mean if you knew that your drinking was causing someone so much pain, you would stop. He used to be better when we were first married. And he can go without drinking for years, but for whatever reason he started again and continues to use it as AN Excuse......I dont believe it a genetic influence or care if he is that stressed by life. We are all stressed. H*ll, i have been stressed to the limit for the last 3 years. So Whatever. You cant hide your problems by getting drunk, the problems will still be there in the morning and you still have to deal with them with a headache. The thing is that he used to try not to drink so much but now he doesnt care. And i cant do anything to change is mind, i was supportive when he got the dwi last year but he got worse. i havent actually been saying anything when he comes home drunk, and it has gotten worse. And i think i have gotten to the point that i dont care anymore. Just as long as he doesnt come home and start drama in front of my children. I dont believe it is healthy for the kids to see that.

You are right, he doesnt beat me and he does work and come home. However, he doesnt support me, he doesnt take care of me, the children, the house or home. the vehicles, the yard, the plugged drain, the fence, the wood, the hole in the ground that anyone can trip into and sue us, the bills, the food, the cooking and cleaning. He also doesnt appreciate that i DO everything. All he has to do is wake up, take a shower {becuase i pay the water bill, and make sure there is soap/shampoo, and electric is a paid for hot water and towels are clean and put up}, get dressed {because he has never had to worry about clean underwear or clothes since i make sure the laundry is done, folded and put up every week}, eat something and have coffee {because i make sure i have groceries every week}, And go to work. Then when he comes home, recently 1 hour 1/2 after he gets off, because he needs to relax by driving around with his friend drinking a beer or two. He walks around in circles trying to "LOOK" busy because before i would get mad but i havent actually said anything for over a year. So he might put a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer and the clothes from the dryer piled on the couch. {because he knows i will fold, hangup and put them away} Sometimes, he grills dinner {after i have thawed and put out the food}, or he might go to his garage, {where i have busted him just sitting there reading a magazine or just doing nothing}. Recently, my 22 yr old has been asking him to help her do alot of things. Somethings he takes off with friend and i never know if he is coming home in an hour, 4 hours, for dinner, or at all. Sometimes i have to ask him for his help, and he acts like an azz and a 2 year old while doing it. I put up with this because i need it done. Most of the time, he just sits down and watches tv. Then i feed dinner to the kids, help with homework, fight with kids to put their clothes up and take a bath, and put everyone to bed. When he goes to bed, he just takes off his clothes, and gets into bed, and falls asleep {because he works in the morning}. I have to put up the food {sometimes he does this} wash the dishes {or they wait till tomorrow}, check the children, fix the air conditioner, put water in himidifiers, check children again, go to bed, get up to turn off all the lights, lock all the doors, throw out the cats, go to bed, get up to give the one water, and tuck back into bed, pick up the clothes off the floor, go to bed and maybe go to sleep. 

Our problem is that he is selfish, inconsiderate and uncaring. He puts himself first before anyone or anything else. He has no initative, or forward thinking. He does care if the house is breaking all around us. He is worried if the children arent home or if they are coming home, or out running the streets. He is unreliable and undependable. He lies to me about small insignifigant things to the point that i dont believe anything he says. He hides things and does things behind my back. 

But i think this sentence will explain it all, when i am crying in bed, be it becuase i am overwhelmed, frustrated, hurt or in pain, right next to him with all the children asleep {which is the only time i do cry}. But i will be crying right next to him, and i KNOW he is not asleep, he will just roll over, but his back to me and go to sleep. no comfort, no questions, doesnt concern or bother him. 

And i cant take it anymore, i give up.


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## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

MrsVain: thank you for your insight on the secrets to a long and successful marriage. But I do have a few questions. And some explanations may be kind of explicit so I am sorry before hand. 

I understand that you can't be in love or even love someone all the time during a marriage. I know there are going to be times when you may even dislike your spouse at times. But what happens, when, all a sudden, the person you marriage is gone and someone else comes out. And that person isn't very nice, respectful, etc. What happens if you know deep down that the person you fell in love will not be coming back? If that person turns into a person who holds you to a person who insults you (ie: fat azz, hick in your is coming out, you are the one with the problem not me, just to name a few). What happens if the normal conversation either gets ignored completely or ends with the spouse yelling at you, saying you have a problem? What if getting affection from that spouse is a sex session and not love making? Just get it done with, no emotion, no movement, female on top, man just laying there. Hell what if real love making, with penetration is gone and male only wants oral because he don't have to do anything. Selfishness comes into play here too. Hubby gets all his little toys but wifey gets nothing because hubby pays most of the bills. Not saying I don't contribute, with my salary all I can afford is daycare for our child, leaves me minimum amount of money for my lunches for the week, gas and other things that I need for my uniform for work. Trying to get him to even give me money for something for our daughter is like pulling teeth without Novocaine. OUCH! What then? Do we keep the marriage for the sake of not getting a divorce? Do we let it go and hope that eventually we will get a little spark back after 2-3 years? I am sorry, after hearing fat azz for so long, my self esteem has hit rock bottom. Family members always say I am good looking but hell they are prejudiced they are family. I pray sometimes that someone else will hit on me just to know that I am still attractive. What then? Am I right for wishing that when I can't even get a, "You look nice", instead of, "You have on make up what's the occasion". What then? 

I guess I am just a little cynical when it comes to staying in a marriage when you aren't "in love" with your spouse anymore. I posted a few years ago how my husband was and stayed for 2 years because of our child. Now what? In those 2 yrs. it has gotten worse. Hell he doesn't even come to bed most of the time. Which is fine by me. 

What then?


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