# Why do I still love her?



## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Ok, so this is a lot. Bare with me.

I Have known my wife since we were 11-12. We both grew up in pretty bad homes, hence why we had a child at such a young age. We broke up when we were 15 and before our child turned one. Within a matter of weeks, she started dating a mutual friend of ours who, I feel she was talking talk during our being together. (I'm leaving a lot out here for sake of this being a long ordeal.) They got married a little over a year later and had a baby boy. About 3 years later they divorced due to the fact that he cheated on her and her admittingly saying that she took his masculinity away from him in the process. Now, I never thought that she and I were ever going to get back together so my mission is to make sure she and our daughter are safe and have what they need.

About 3 years later she decided that she wanted to move along with our 7-year-old daughter and her 3-year-old son. About 3k miles away to be exact. I couldn't in my right mind say no because where we lived was poverty-stricken. The profession she wanted to be in had a school that was considered the best in the nation at the time. Whom am I to stunt someone's growth? Especially my daughter's mother? They also had family there so, of course, I said yes. Gives me a reason to leave and visit other places right? I didn't really know what to do with myself then. Went from seeing my daughter almost every day to not seeing her at all was a shock to my soul.

I was making decent money at the time so I decided to visit. 1st time I flew across the country. I think I was about 22-23 at the time so that shows you how worldly I am. I got there and the area was/is beautiful. Leaps & bounds better than the life we were living where we were from. I stayed with her and the kids for a week. During that week, she expressed her feelings for me and rekindled the feelings I stored away thinking it was never going to happen again. It did and was relived. She had this planned all the long and I was completed blindsided, and it was welcomed. When I got back home, we spoke more and it was decided that I would move there. I took the year to gather myself and get finances in order as well as my goodbyes and took off. A year later we are married and having talks about having another baby with one another. I truly thought that we were going to be together forever, sadly, this is where it started to go downhill.

Now, before we get into the bad and the ugly, I want to express to you the kind of man I am.

_I'm not a "manly-man" but I do hold my own. I work, cook, clean, tend to my children as well as try to take some time to myself with gaming or things computer-related. As a spouse, I am your #1 fan. I will root for you, and be your rock when you need me. Always behind you on your choices to improve yourself and our lives. I can spend hours talking about you and how proud I am of what you're doing. You have me 100% as long as I have you the same. I consider myself empathic to other feelings and issues. It helps me give advice or place myself in their shoes as best I can so I can get a glimpse of what you're dealing with. I didn't grow up easy, far from it. A lot I had to figure out on my own because our family was poor and huge. I'm not perfect. I do mess up. However, I own what I do and the answer is never "because I want to". There are logical/emotional reasons for doing what I do._

She did the attachment method with our son. During this period she decided to start going to school as well. Sadly, this parenting style did not include me. Every time I had him he would cry his head off. Even worse, she would leave for school at night and all he did was cry until she got back home. 1st time I was able to give him a bottle was when he was almost one. I would tell her and she would say "_It's all in your head. He's not like that with me." _

After a while, she started to be more focused on work and school leaving me to handle the children. Not a problem. I had a steady job, I can get the kids to and from school, homework is done and food in the belly. I got dis. Now, as a parent, when you have been dealing with your children with very little help from your spouse, it takes a toll on the relationship usually. Nope, in this case, it was the fact that she would come in and take control like I wasn't even there. Even worse she would come in with me disciplining one or all of them and say "Why are you yelling at them!?" in front of them thus making my authority weak. So there were several times when they didn't listen and waited till mom got home. This is where I started feeling like I'm not an equal.

Shortly after the affection started going away. She was too wrapped up in her life to have time for me. Now, look. I understand that goals are important and that you shouldn't falter from them. However, at the same time if you decide to have a spouse and child(ren) you have to learn balance. We stopped going on dates, she would be too exhausted to do anything around the home or with the kids. (_Forgot to mention that she works 12-hour night shifts)_ It would take her about a day 1/2 to be a contributing member of the home but shortly after within a day or so, she's right back at it. She would end up going out with her co-workers and getting drinks and come home drunk or I would have to get her. I have spoken to her in regards to her ignoring me and explaining that I need love to some degree. She would blow up and storm out never to talk about it again

This part I'm not proud of:

Not knowing what to really do about my feelings, I went online seeking help and getting emotional support from strangers. Some would tell me that "If it was them" they would do this or that. I didn't turn those words down. It felt good knowing that someone would care for me differently and I didn't deserve what was happening to me. Well, she found out that I was doing this and accused me of cheating. Which, she was right. I was looking for an emotional connection to a degree. I wasn't aiming to have sex or meet up with anyone. I explained that I have told you on several occasions that I was feeling like I have been placed on the back-burner in our marriage. That her job and the kids come before me when it shouldn't be. We should be taken the world on as a unit but you were doing it solo after many times of me bringing this issue up. That night she turned into a person I never knew. Throwing things around, calling people in my cell that may look like a women's name, hitting, etc.

Now, I didn't think that when I was doing this it was cheating because I was emotionally hurt. But I did what I did and I own it. We didn't get a divorce, we separated for about 3 months before she decided to try to work on it. I knew I had a lot to recover from and that this was going to be hard but I love her and want to endure this. Was thinking that maybe with counseling, we can get through this. I can get through to her what I want from our relationship... We stayed married for almost 8 years after that incident. During that time there was very little to no progress. As a matter of fact, some things got worse. We started blowing up on each other for small things. It would get to the point where she would remind me of my cheating every time. So I would submit. I would do this for the next 6-7 years.

During this time, we went to 4 different marriage counselors. 3 Of which she walked out on because they were telling her she was wrong and didn't like to have her feet held to the fire. The other time I canceled it because the therapist couldn't see us consistently. During this time I confirmed her modus operandi. She didn't like to be in the wrong and would avoid talking about it at all costs. _"If we can't figure this out on our own then we will never work out." _She said. She also had a tendency to only see things her way during conversations and arguments. As if there was no other possible why something can happen and anything outside of her way of thinking is stupid. She has told me that no matter what I did, I would never be able to gain any trust back at all. That it "dries her up" when I talk to her about what bothers me. "When can I tell you or how should I tell you what's bothering me then?" "You can't," she replied.

She'll get drunk and then come home and talk all kinds of crap. One night she called me a _"Stupid, retarded, worthless piece of ****. Who thinks I'm ugly and fat but because I make a lot of money, you stay around." _I only make 5k less than she does. I was also offered by my job to move and they would give me more money doing so. I'm not sure where she's pulling that from. She will also blame me for her driving while she's drunk after I would pick her up and take her home. She would then jump back in the car without me knowing and drive around.

Just recently I reached out to an old friend of mine and her family to rekindle the relationship I had with them. She lives far away and has a daughter and is married to a preacher. Very religious family I might add. They helped me through some dark times growing up so I wanted to reconnect. I started chatting back and forth with mainly her because we were best friends at the time. Now, my life is open at this point. She and My kids know the password to my phone and personal PC. At any time they can go in and do w/e. I have nothing to hide. It's been this way for the past 8 years. Nothing at all going on in texts or phone conversations. We're on the same family plan.

She told me that I was acting "funny" ever since I came home from my business trip. _(Which by the way is also where our family is) _I didn't notice so I asked her, what's wrong? What do you see? _"Nope, I'm not telling you. You need to figure it out and get back to me." _I hate that game. Why not just talk and not make everything out of a confrontation? She keep going with it so I decided to get up and leave. The reason why I may have been off was because she brought up something that I wanted to do last year and denied me from doing it. And then, while I was away talked about doing something of equal measure and wanted me to be on board with it. I hate being in an area that has a bad aura. Makes it hard to calm down. As I leave she grabs my phone and starts looking through it. Again, I have nothing to hide so I sit down right next to her and go through it. She flipped over a hug emoji in the conversation I was having with my old-time friend._ "You're cheating on me again!?" _Obviously not. I am not sure why she would think that. She went unhinged. She started screaming and yelling and went to an emotional state where logic was not allowed.

I was not going to go down for something I didn't do. So I stood my ground. I didn't match her anger because this whole thing is stupid. She then takes my phone and calls this person at 9:30 at night where _(forgot to add) _this person is almost 3k miles away and 3 hours ahead. She calls her, but she didn't pick up. Then looks up her husband on social media, no response. Then reaches out to a random family member of theirs to get ahold in an attempt to get ahold of them. No one responds. "_Oh! She's hiding from me!" _No, It's 12:30 in the morning where they are. She storms out. I am done at this point. It's over. I am not continuing to do this. The next day she says the same in text. (I hate having serious conversations through text...) The husband of my friend calls my wife a few days later and tells her that nothing is happening. He read the texts himself and found no reason to be concerned. He told her that he knew me when we were young as well and I was never that person to ruin a home. She still didn't believe it.

She told me before and said it again that day that _"If this marriage fails, it will be mainly your fault." _Again, I'm not a saint. There are indeed things within the marriage I could have done better with. But I admitted my faults and actively work on them to be a better person.

So now, we're splitting up. Which is probably best. I told her that I don't want to make anything else worse for us. That I knew you for more than 1/2 my life and want to remain close. Not only for the kids but for us as well. So now, everything is "calm" and I'm moving out and being on my own. While I was establishing a place to stay, she says to me _"If I knew it would have ended up like this, I would have taken the counseling more seriously. I would have been a better wife." _Pissed me the **** off hearing that.

So here's the question for all that made it through that... *Why the hell do I still love her with all my heart!?* I didn't want it to end at all but it had to. So many people have been telling me to run. Even her siblings!!! I know I messed up 7-8 years ago but that shouldn't define who I am now and what came from it. Admittingly I believe that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. However, for some reason, a part of me wants to stay..


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

So am I right in thinking, according to you, your wife had her first child when she was 14?


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Personal said:


> So am I right in thinking, according to you, your wife had her first child when she was 14?


Well, I wouldn't say "According to you" in this instance but right! We had the 1st child together at 14


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It sounds like you’re gaslighting her and you dramatically leave every time you get caught.

I don’t like how you describe her ‘emotional state’ and reactions when she calls you out on your behaviour.

In other words, you’re that spouse that does whatever they want and pulls the big guns when you get caught (note: this is to KEEP the spouse and keep up the addictions/crossing of boundaries/other bad behaviour). You need her, but you don’t love her. The big guns are leaving, threatening to leave, suicide threats or other highly dramatic stunts.

I know why you keep leaving and coming back, and so do you. And it’s not love.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like you’re gaslighting her and you dramatically leave every time you get caught.
> 
> I don’t like how you describe her ‘emotional state’ and reactions when she calls you out on your behaviour.
> 
> ...


I'm curious, and what aspect do you think that I'm gaslighting? I think based on your statement you haven't read everything. I will also add, that that there are no "big guns leaving". I'm not really sure what you mean by that. If anything, I was holding down our home the majority of the time. And just because she worked more than me doesn't equivolate to her making a lot more than I do. 

Also the comment "Keep leaving" is inaccurate. We only separated once in order to use the word keep their needs to be a pattern, no? Am I to assume that a 🤗 is too far? And also, what are these things that I keep doing? And, I'm sorry that you disagree with this, but I do think that certain actions in this situation went far beyond logical.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like you’re gaslighting her and you dramatically leave every time you get caught.


Also, not sure what you mean by dramatically leave. It seems as if you ignored some key details. Like the storming out during marriage counseling or storming out when she's confronted with an issue.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It is a pattern. You cheated once, left. Emotional affair again, you left. That’s a pattern.

I read everything.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> It is a pattern. You cheated once, left. Emotional affair again, you left. That’s a pattern.
> 
> I read everything.


Yeah you didn't read. I didn't leave at all and there wasn't a 2nd. Thank you for your feedback though. I guess I did you a disservice with being "short" in some areas.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

threats5_7496 said:


> Yeah you didn't read. I didn't leave at all and there wasn't a 2nd. Thank you for your feedback though. I guess I did you a disservice with being "short" in some areas.


Word of advice, it doesn't really matter if you were a Saint in heaven, to some of the posters here it will all be your fault no matter what.

Now going to your question, "why do I still love her"

I might be wrong here based on so little, but sufficient for me to gather that what you might be feeling is "familiarity", rather than "love".

Deep in your brain, you might be wanting to hold onto something "known" to you for so long, but the way I see it based on your explanations it was always wrong. You two were not made for each other. You two seem to be wrong for each other. Probably the kids is what's pulling you in.

Even if what you're feeling is love, that's not enough. It takes quite a few other things such as personalities compatibilities, complementation of one to another, being in the same page for money, child care, child raising, etc. 

Whatever it is, it will go away, eventually. It takes time for feelings to dissappear. What you can do to alleviate the situation is to the 180 (Google it),read it and put it to practice. Communication only related to the kids and or the divorce, use text for communication, abd nothing else.

Remember, what love has got to do with anything in the failure of your relationship? Actually, nothing because love was not what caused all the problems in your marriage. Your incompatibility is what caused the constant problems.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Word of advice, it doesn't really matter if you were a Saint in heaven, to some of the posters here it will all be your fault no matter what.


Thanks for the clarification. 




Rob_1 said:


> I might be wrong here based on so little, but sufficient for me to gather that what you might be feeling is "familiarity", rather than "love".


That's what I was bating back and forth on. Thanks for making my thought a reality on this. I will pay attention to this more. It got to the point where I knew that love wasn't enough but I ignored it and kept trying different things to try and make it so.

I think what's upsetting is that I never thought of life without her until recently. I'm fine on my own. I make enough money, I found an apt with 2 bedrooms for me and my son for when he's with me and I started my own business and it's gaining traction. I consider myself an extrovert so I will be ok. Again, my goal has always been to make sure she and the kids are ok.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do counseling on your own. Do the work on YOUR family of origin. (FOO)

I do believe that should enlighten you about why “you feel” that you still love her after living a hellish nightmare while with her. Take responsibility for the way you participated.

It’s possible your history growing up was just as chaotic and this “seems normal’ to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have wide mood swings? 

There is a link in my signature below for the 180. It's a way to separating yourself from your wife so that you get a chance to clear your head and eventually lose your feelings/attachment for her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

threats5_7496 said:


> *Why the hell do I still love her with all my heart!?* I didn't want it to end at all but it had to. So many people have been telling me to run. Even her siblings!!! I know I messed up 7-8 years ago but that shouldn't define who I am now and what came from it. Admittingly I believe that the punishment doesn't fit the crime. However, for some reason, a part of me wants to stay..


You have been with this woman for almost all of your teens and into adulthood with some limited time apart, but still part of each others lives. You really and truly know no other life than one with her playing a featuring role as your romantic partner or friend. Additionally, all the drama probably created some trauma bonds. Oh, and don't forget the shared kids! Dude, of course you still have feelings for her. It takes time for these feelings to fade away. And it won't happen if you're friends with her. I think you really need to do the 180 and start completely over fresh without her playing a role. Heal. Figure out who you are as a single adult man. Parent your kids. Learn and grow as a person. Truly move on.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You have a daughter together and a step-son. Is there a third child? 

There's not much in this marriage to save. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living in the environment you've described? I wouldn't. 

You probably can get over her more quickly than you think. If you meet someone who treats you with respect, your love for her will fade quickly. You're in love with who you THINK she is or who you WANT her to be.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

There's a sense of nostalgia in here. You have known each other since you were 11/12. That is probably more than 1/2 your lifetime. You love her because she is the mother of your children. 

Yet you know that the demise of this marriage is NOT all your fault. You know she is refusing to admit her roll in it & she is taking no responsibility for her toxicity. 

Let her go. Love your kids. Build a happy life for yourself. Living well is the best revenge.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You can love someone and know that they’re not healthy for you. She may live in your heart forever, your love for her may always be there, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is good for you. I echo the others - move on, get counseling, and keep a journal of your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up if that love never goes away…you’ve known each other for most of your lives, so what you feel is not unusual.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife have wide mood swings?
> 
> There is a link in my signature below for the 180. It's a way to separate yourself from your wife so that you get a chance to clear your head and eventually lose your feelings/attachment for her.


She does from time to time but has been good with "keeping them in check". I have moved out since this post. Working on myself and instilling in myself that I am a good person.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

MJJEAN said:


> You have been with this woman for almost all of your teens and into adulthood with some limited time apart, but still part of each others lives. You really and truly know no other life than one with her playing a featuring role as your romantic partner or friend. Additionally, all the drama probably created some trauma bonds. Oh, and don't forget the shared kids! Dude, of course you still have feelings for her. It takes time for these feelings to fade away. And it won't happen if you're friends with her. I think you really need to do the 180 and start completely over fresh without her playing a role. Heal. Figure out who you are as a single adult man. Parent your kids. Learn and grow as a person. Truly move on.


Thank you. I have been seeing a therapist since December in regards to myself and my marriage. It's going to take a bit for sure but I think I will be ok walking away and being me.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You probably can get over her more quickly than you think. If you meet someone who treats you with respect, your love for her will fade quickly. You're in love with who you THINK she is or who you WANT her to be.


That's a good point. There were many times in the marriage when I believed that if she just pivoted left instead of right we would be in a better place together mentally. Again, I know I am nowhere near perfect but I own what I do and admit fault where I'm wrong.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> There's a sense of nostalgia in here. You have known each other since you were 11/12. That is probably more than 1/2 your lifetime. You love her because she is the mother of your children.
> 
> Yet you know that the demise of this marriage is NOT all your fault. You know she is refusing to admit her roll in it & she is taking no responsibility for her toxicity.
> 
> Let her go. Love your kids. Build a happy life for yourself. Living well is the best revenge.


Yassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss (Where are gifs in this forum!?) This speaks to me 100% You're absolutely right.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> You can love someone and know that they’re not healthy for you. She may live in your heart forever, your love for her may always be there, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is good for you. I echo the others - move on, get counseling, and keep a journal of your feelings. Don’t beat yourself up if that love never goes away…you’ve known each other for most of your lives, so what you feel is not unusual.


Thank you! I picked journaling back up just recently. Since I am an IT Admin, I don't use pen and paper lol. I remember one day years ago she stumbled across my digital journal and started reading it and damned me for doing it. She later did say that "I shouldn't have done that." That was her version of "I'm sorry". Since then I didn't journal again up until recently.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I get the impression that you see yourself as a victim in your marriage and even though you praise your wife and do so much her actions have created a need support. You sought female attention and then don't understand why your wife has reacted the way she did since you did not have sex with these women you were seeking attention from. I don't think you are quite the victim as you might feel. You made a choice to seek the attention of other women and now your wife cannot trust you.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> I get the impression that you see yourself as a victim in your marriage and even though you praise your wife and do so much her actions have created a need support. You sought female attention and then don't understand why your wife has reacted the way she did since you did not have sex with these women you were seeking attention from. I don't think you are quite the victim as you might feel. You made a choice to seek the attention of other women and now your wife cannot trust you.


Impression incorrect. I know what I did was wrong. I even mentioned it in the post. When someone accepts you back, your goal as the person who made the mistake is to not only endure the emotional trauma that you caused but to also mend/fix it ALONG with your S.O. Your role as the person it happened to is to work on forgiveness, understanding, and growth. Let's be real here, I was looking for something I was not getting. Even after voicing it and being ignored. Again, my actions were wrong, I'll be the 1st to admit that. Talking it out, counseling, and creating a support system are what I tried to accomplish all these years. You're coming from a standpoint that the way she has acting for the past 8 years after is justified by that one action. That's where we disagree. If you were the one cheated on, you have a choice to stay and work on it or go because you can or won't. Staying in it to get back at someone or use it against them to make them feel consistently horrible about themselves is not healthy for either of you.

If you can't build some trust back after that long, end it. Or figure out why and work on it with your partner. Thanks for your perspective respectively.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

The two of you were kids having a kid. This was doomed from the beginning. The two of you together are toxic. Your kids are witnessing all of this.

Why do you still "love" her? I don't know if I would call it "love". Yes you have children with her, but nothing about your relationship exudes love. Love is an action and not feelings. 

Unfortunately there's a strong probability of your kids growing up and being messed up. Get yourself in therapy and work on you. Stay with it!! Your kids are going need one parent who's got it together.


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## threats5_7496 (7 mo ago)

sideways said:


> The two of you were kids having a kid. This was doomed from the beginning. The two of you together are toxic. Your kids are witnessing all of this.
> 
> Why do you still "love" her? I don't know if I would call it "love". Yes you have children with her, but nothing about your relationship exudes love. Love is an action and not feelings.
> 
> Unfortunately there's a strong probability of your kids growing up and being messed up. Get yourself in therapy and work on you. Stay with it!! Your kids are going need one parent who's got it together.


Strong? I would say for sure they are. I sat them down and told all of them to not rule out therapy. If there was ever something I said or done to you, I want you to feel comfortable bringing it up to me and talk about a resolution to it. I know I was not a perfect parent. Hell, putting them through this was the best example. I want to do my part in the healing process and make sure they come out to be strong, independent people.

I myself am going through therapy not only for myself but for them as well.

Thank you for your input!


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