# Therapy making things worse?



## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
My husband and I are going through a very difficult time right now (you can read my other post if you want a little background) He finally made an appointment to talk to a therapist and he had his first appointment today. Problem is that it seemed to make him feel worse. He came home in a bad mood and saying how he still doesn't feel anything towards me, even though he has really been trying, but this last week has been really good and I really thought we were making some progress...I'm so confused and hurt right now and I don't know what I am supposed to be doing or how I am supposed to handle everything that he is throwing at me. He is not the same man that he was 6 months ago. 
So is that how therapy works? Is it supposed to make you feel worse before you feel better? Any insight would be greatly appriciated....Thank you!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

when i first started going to counseling, and this was before i was married, therapy did make things worse for me. I had some pretty deep emotional issues that were very difficult for me to face. It can be extremely confusing and conflicting the first time one tries to confront everything. It might just be overwhelming for your H to bring up all his issues that he's been repressing. But it also depends on your counselor. Ive had some realy dumb counselors that only made things worse. It takes some practice to learn how to choose a counselor.


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for the response. 
My husband moved out tonight and said he doesn't think he's going to want to come back. He is dealing with really bad anxiety right now and has a lot of things going on in his head...I don't think he's thinking clearly. He broke down when he was telling me everything that was stressing him out, but honestly, it's no stress that everyone else has to deal with in their life...he is blowing everything up and making it seem worse than it really is. It's like he just thinks that getting a divorce will make everything ok...but it's not going to solve any of his problems...just make things worse, especially financially. 
I want my marriage to work and get better, but I am not sure what I am supposed to do.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I've dealt with anxiety all my life and recently had a MC and separation with my wife. My story is in my profile if you care to read.

You really just need to wait. I 100% agree that day to day issues are what hurts an anxious person so much. Also, dealing with issues he has repressed is going to be VERY hard. He will need time to get over this. Medication might be a very good thing. This is going to be tricky and you need to give him time to fix himself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

scleary8100 said:


> He broke down when he was telling me everything that was stressing him out, but honestly, it's no stress that everyone else has to deal with in their life...he is blowing everything up and making it seem worse than it really is.


Try to accept what is instead of what you think should be. Your H is very stressed out and confused. It doesnt really help the problem if you continually think he shouldnt be. There are no solutions to what should be, only solutions to what is.

People with high anxiety and depression are a lot like kids in that they need someone with very firm boundaries to set them straight. Otherwise they get confused and dont know how to handle themselves. they will push limits as far as they are aloud to because they dont have the internal controls- they need other people to put them in line. Its exhausting for someone that either loves them or has poor boundaries...worse if its a combination of the two. 

the best thing you can do is learn how to maintain your own boundaries while still loving him. I dont know what his issues are exactly but i do know that treating you this way is nothing to overlook. you have to protect your heart and that might mean overcoming the fear of losing him.


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks for the response.
As hard as it has been, I have been giving him space. I only respond to his texts when he sends them and I keep them short and sweet. I'm not asking him anymore question about how he's feeling or trying to force him to talk about how he feels about me. I've only told 2 people about our situation and they both agree that he is full of guilt and that we both need a little time to clear our heads. 
It's so hard though, because I miss him so much and I can't stand not talking to him all day long, but I know that it's only going to make things worse if I do...I'm just trying to keep my mind off of it and trying to look at the positive side of this. I am living on my own now with our children and don't have to worry about making big dinners or having the house perfectly clean when he gets home and that kind of stuff. I'm also starting a new job on Monday, which will definitely help to keep my mind off of things. 
Thanks again!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

In your other post you mentioned that he'd been previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. If that's the case, then he's really only getting half the help he needs in therapy. It's not a matter of just being depressed about life when that's the case. It's what people usually get help for, sure. Being depressed sucks and being manic is awesome--why would you get help for the fun part, right? But at least part of his problem is with the chemicals his brain is producing (or not producing) and until that's resolved as well, he's going to have a much harder time resolving his feelings and will probably keep going back and forth about everything. Hopefully is therapist is helping him realize that, if he's being open about his background, anyway.

Good luck, I know how hard all of this must be for you guys--


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## scleary8100 (Mar 8, 2011)

I've tried explaining to him that there is no cure for bipolar and if you were already diagnosed with it, then you still have it...I've done a lot of research and know that episodes can come and go years apart or when something triggers it...but he claims that he's not at all like he was before...he used to be very verbally abusive and had a lot of anger problems...he's not like that at all anymore...but that was when he was 22, he's 31 now and has grown up a lot and matured. I think I realize now that he's going to need to want to get help and I can't force him to do it. These are his issues and he has to resolve them on his own...it's just so hard feeling so helpless :scratchhead:
He is seeing a counselor once a week, he's only had one appt so far, but will be going back in a couple of days...hopefully it gets better.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I'll cut to the chase..Is this guy on meds too? Or is he just getting therapy?

IF he is indeed depressed or bipolar or whatever then therapy alone isn't going to cut it. He needs to have his PHYSICAL imbalance addressed and that means seeing a MEDICAL doctor like a Psychiatrist. 

I believe that's what COGypsy was saying. Therapy alone is just going to confuse him and he won't be able to USE what he is learning or dealing with to make progress. It's like telling a diabetic not to eat candy but not giving him insulin. Just isn't going to work. 

Many mental disorders aren't just mental.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

Experiencing similar to my husband. He was referred to psychiatrist, he needs to get meds stabilized which is a job. Therapy can bring out stuff. Do not assume his stress level is your stress level. My counselor said relationship issues can open up a can of stuff that can make an underlying condition worse or come to the surface, or even cause a "break" of sorts...guess that's what happened to us. Long story short, we've been in this mess for awhile but seeing psychiatrist has helped somewhat and my husband is also scared. Being scared and not in control of his mind makes him worse. He doesn't want loud noises, multi tasking or questions when lucid. I can handle a lot of stress and work well under pressure, he can't so resign yourself this is the way it probably is with you. I like to take control (not be controlling) and whip through a to do list be it material or emotional but that's not the way my husband works and I have to deal with it. He actually blamed me for being a control freak but over the past few years has lost so much of himself he couldn't make a decision on a printer cartridge without calling me. I see so much now this has happened..and my therapy is about regaining lost dreams and ambitions and my reactions to him and others in life right now. Sometimse I feel resentment like his indecisiveness, neediness and willingness to hand everything over to me is self indulgence but then a few links provided by kind people on these boards helped me realize he can't help it. So lay back, get him to doctor not just psychologist because he probably needs meds and work through it without taking over or accusing. My husband has even taken a room in a boarding house not far from home because mornings were unbearable and I wouldn't let him be around our child with the mood swings so backing off doesn't mean not setting boundaries. I've just adapted but I'm still exhausted. This is just my experience and I really wish you luck. It stinks.


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## Going Mental (Apr 8, 2012)

Bipolar - surely he is on meds?? 
I have seen numerous psychologists to get the right one, and my H still hasn't found one yet. Every time he has tried one (with the exception of a short term acute care...long story and this isn't my thread) he has come out worse. He has 40 years of backed up baggage to get through so he has come out worse....its almost like he hopes it will be better after 1 or 2 sessions. It takes months and months of slog. Its quite possible this is what is going on for your H.

If its any consolation, MC initially made our relationship worse as we have now separated, however as time has gone on, and therapy has continued, we are close to a point where we are discussing how to go about reconciling. 

The other thing is, take care of yourself. Its called self soothing/self care. Treat yourself to a hot bath, a night out with the girls, a bunch of flowers, some walks etc. You don't say is you have kids, but if you do, can you get a babysitter so you can have a night off and a sleep in without anyone else in the house?

Just some thoughts to help you out.


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

My wife has BPD. When she finaly began to see a therpist she came home the first few times with a tension headache because of the topics that she was digging into. This went on for atleast the first 2 months. It has been nothing short of great sence then. She loves going every week and you can see a MASSIVE differnce in her mood. He needs to keep on with it.


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## losing_hope (Dec 1, 2011)

When my wife was seeing her therapist, I often times felt that way. Her therapist was not helping at all I felt. But I was prepared for it for the long haul, so I thought eventually everything would turn out OK.

Then she saw her psychiatrist, and what a difference! After the first session she told me that she felt she has hope.

She still saw her therapist, until recently. And I found out that her therapist was telling her to leave me, which I found to be absurd. 

Even now sometimes she will feel worse after seeing the psychiatrist, but more often than not it's a positive experience, and the psychiatrist actually seems like he cares.

So unfortunately, you don't know yet. It could be either. Give it some time, but don't be afraid of changing therapists if the current one does not seem to be producing.


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