# Everything Hurts



## AmarieDoll (Jul 5, 2012)

This is my very first post here, and I'm hoping that everything comes out the way I want it too. From everything I've read so far I do believe this site is going to be a great form of help. 

It's been two weeks since I found out about my husband's emotional affair. An affair that happened three years ago, but given the fact that I just found out about it, it might as well have been just yesterday that it was actually going on. I suppose I should set the scene. 

I met my husband exactly two weeks before my eighteenth birthday, and we were pretty much inseperable from that moment on. Granted we actually didn't meet face to face (we met through friends of friends) until after my eighteenth birthday. We just clicked, and being the hopeless romantic I am, I just knew it was meant to be. We had so much in common (despite the ten year age difference) and had many of the same goals. Needless to say things went fast. We were married after six months of dating, and our son born ten months into our relationship. Like I said, fast. I moved 1700 miles away from my family and friends, and we started our life. Our own little family. 

I thought everything was great. Until our sons first birthday when I discovered an online dating profile (with an incredibly private picture of him on it) and when I confronted him about it he swore nothing like that would EVER happen again, and I believed him. 

I shouldn't have believed him. 

Fast forward to two months ago. I don't even know how the conversation came up. But I do know that he asked me if I have ever cheated on him. Which I haven't, and when I asked him why he asked he said because I had been spending a lot of time out of the house. Which I was, but because my best friend has been sick, and going through a divorce so I was there to support her. So I turned around and asked the same question, and he said that in 2010 he talked to a woman for 2-4 months and it was about nothing but adult relations. They never met, nothing like that because she lives in Alabama, and we in the pacific northwest. 

That was hard enough to take. 

When I asked him why he did it he said because he felt like I had been pulling away from him and he was immature. Go figure a 31 year old man (at the time) immature. So I tried pushing past it. Convinced myself that since it happened so long ago, that I can just move past it. 

Until two weeks ago. 

I was cleaning our bedroom and knocked the speaker of our stereo over and out came his old blackberry. And I got curious. I know, it's bad, but it's the truth. I was curious. So I plugged it in and turned it on, and there in black and white, in the form of saved emails between my husband and the other woman, was my husband telling said woman that he loves her. Not in 2010, but in 2009. 

I have confronted him, and we have talked countless times about it. He says he didn't remember telling her he loves her. Which I don't believe. He says he doesn't remember the password to his email account that he used to talk to her, which I don't believe. He says he can't remember how long they did talk for, or who cut off the relationship, or why. All of those things I don't believe. 

It's been two weeks, and I've only trusted telling two other people, one of which told me I can't really be mad at him because it happened so long ago, but I just found out about it. It feels like it just happened, like he and the other woman took my entire world, picked it up, shook it, and tossed it down and now I have to pick up the pieces and try to make sense out of all of it. 

Like I said, everything hurts.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

AmarieDoll,

I can understand your situation.

Remember, cheaters are liers. Lie, lie all the way through until they are confronted with evidenced truth.

It seems he is not even apologetic.

So, be prepared for trickle truth. Dont give up, pursue the truth. Tell him he has to come out fully open about his affair. Postpone your decisions until you are convinced about full truth.

Was the A physical?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He cheated on you, and you feel today the same way you would if he was still doing it. 

He needs to prove to you he's not still doing it. It is VERY rare for a guy to just up and quit cheating like that. 99 times out of 100 they have to get caught. So you have every right to ask him to give you all his passwords, access to his phone and email and bank account and everything. Before you can decide what to do, you need to KNOW.

He very well may NOT remember those things, too. If he really has stopped and never started again, he's probably buried the whole thing deep, deep away. Or, like you say, he may be lying.

If you think he is still lying, then you might want to do some sleuthing.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's lying. Cheaters handbook, page 1. He remembers everything.
Don't let him rugsweep it. He has to come clean about everything.

That whole revelation started with him questioning you. It's a gigantic red flag. Cheaters project like crazy. He might be cheating again. If I was you I'd start snooping. Keylog the PC. You caught him years ago, in case he stopped he'd go sneakier (Secret accounts, etc). Check the phone bill.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

AmarieDoll said:


> Until two weeks ago.
> 
> 
> 
> I have confronted him, and we have talked countless times about it. He says he didn't remember telling her he loves her. Which I don't believe. He says he doesn't remember the password to his email account that he used to talk to her, which I don't believe. He says he can't remember how long they did talk for, or who cut off the relationship, or why. All of those things I don't believe.


Of course everything hurts, you have been betrayed. 

It's amazing too how all cheaters seem to suddenly develop amnesia about important details or things they said but should not have said. 

This seems all too common in threads I read here and in my own case. 

As others have said cheaters are liars. They lie and lie. 

Sometimes they claim they lie to protect you, but IMO, they are still testing boundaries to see what they can get away with. Perhaps in prep for the nest EA or PA.


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## AmarieDoll (Jul 5, 2012)

I want to say thank you to everyone who has replied. It's good to know that I am in fact not crazy for how I feel. Sometimes I find myself getting so mad, just out of the blue. I can be having a good day and then all of a sudden I just get so mad. He can do something so small and I will just get so mad at him. Or I'll just suddenly become so sad that I have to excuse myself so that my son doesn't see me cry. Hands down I think I have cried more in the last two and a half weeks then in my twenty-five years of life. 

I forget who asked, but someone asked if the affair was physical. As far as I know it wasn't because she lived/lives in Alabama and we're all the way in Washington State, however, he has admitted that she would often times talk about coming here or him going there. I know he never went there because I'm in charge of finances, and he's never been away from home for more than a few hours, however she easily could have come here, but he swears it was never physical. So like I said as far as I know it never became physical. 

It seems like I have asked him the same questions a billion times, and I'm perpetually going in circles with him. So is it normal, that my emotions seem to be all over the place? 

As far as him not remembering his password, I could believe that, but when I asked for his secret question answers, he conveniently didn't remember any of those either, which leads me to the conclusion that he does in fact remember and he just doesn't want to tell me, whether out of fear of me seeing how far things really did go with the other woman, or because he's trying to protect me. 

All I know is I have very hard decisions to make, and I'd rather make then knowing all of the answers. As far as keylogging the pc and such, he doesn't use the home computer. Everything is done from his phone which makes it dang near impossible to do any type of snooping that way. 

I'm just glad I have this place to come too when I just don't know what to do.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Do you have access to his phone? Is his phone password protected? If his phone is not password protected, and you can get 10-15 min of uninterrupted time with his phone, you may be able to install a program called Mobile Spy (Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone) its an amazing resource for monitoring a smart phone. 

You say you were cleaning and knocked over the speaker. Am I confused, or do you mean to say that his blackberry was hidden inside the speaker?

The e-mail account he claims he does not remember the password for, what company is the e-mail host? @gmail @yahoo @att? There are many ways of getting a company to reset a password to an account. You just need to contact customer support and be the ultimate squeaky wheel.

Here is how I see your situation, and as always, this advice is freely given, and does not need to be taken. Your H violated the boundaries of your marriage without ever facing any major consequences for the breach. His behavior at the moment, as others have pointed out, seems to be screaming that he is having another affair, or at the very least, is covering up something major about the previous one. You need to take a stand here and make him understand that you are serious about this situation. Since he broke your heart, destroyed your trust, and hurt you in such a major way, he must be willing to do the heavy lifting to fix things between you two.

He must become 100% transparent with you. He needs to give you unrestricted access to all of hiss accounts. Bank, phone, e-mail, facebook, anything and everything that he might be using to cover up an affair has to be available to you for review at any time, with or without his knowledge. You should consider having him take a polygraph test to confirm the things he has been telling you about the affair/s and current state of things between you two. He should attend individual counseling, and both of you should begin couples counseling with a psychologist that specializes in infidelity. 

The hardest part for you in all of this will be preparing yourself to enforce some major consequences if he fails to comply with your requests. You must be 100% willing to let him go and move forward with your life without him, should he choose to remain a lying sack of crap that shows no remorse for hurting you so badly. Divorce should certainly not be off the table, it may be a last resort, but you deserve to live a good life with a partner that is committed to you and your relationship with total honesty trust, and adult love. Best of luck to you, please keep us posted.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

As others have said, cheaters lie. He will most likely only admit to half of what you find out as hard facts.

It seems odd that an old phone was hidden in a speaker, doesn't it? A momento? Or does he still use the phone to contact people? Some cheaters keep a phone just for their cheating that their spouse does not know about.

It's highly likely that he is still engagingin on-line sex play and relationships. I think you need to do some snooping around to find out what is really going on and if he has really stopped.

Check your cell phone bills to see if there are numbers he calls or calling him all the time. Go as far back as you can.

Check bank accounts, credit cards, for payments you were not aware of.

Put a key logger on the computer to capture what he's typing and to capture screen shots. You can find out about secret accounts this way as well as get the passwords to them.

Search the hard drive for terms like "@gmail.com", @hotmail.com

I found files filled with emails from other women and I found out about secret accounts this way. 

Do not tell him that you are looking just yet. Let him feel safe right now. You have every right to know if you are being lied to and treated like a fool.

Once you know if anything is going on or not, then you can come up with a plan of action. Only tell him after you have evidence one way or the other and you have a plan.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Look up the OW on face book. search for her on the internet. find out about her.

I called the otherwomen.. even emailed them. Most of what I found out came right from them... the rest from email accounts that I got the passwords too.. guessed some, got some with a key logger.

My husband was ADD... he overdid everything... even cheating


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## AmarieDoll (Jul 5, 2012)

So here it is 3:22 a.m and I'm awake, though I should be asleep, crying, even though I really hate that I am. It's been five months since I found out about the OW and the EA that my husband had with her, and it hurts just as much. I guess I had hoped hat it would get easier. I changed a lot in five months. Dyed my hair black because I had red hair and so does she. We hardly talk anymore, and I guess I find myself wondering why I'm even holding on, and my best friend pretty much hit it head on the other day. I'm scared. Scared to be alone. To be a single mother. To try and do it on my own. I know that makes me weak. I hate that it makes me weak. But I hate what my life has come to. Hate that I don't sleep anymore, that I'm losing my hair, I've had to be put on anti-anxiety medicine because I started having panic attacks whenever he left the house for long periods of time (like going to work, out with his friends, running errands etc.etc.etc) I hate what he's reduced me to, but most of all I hate that I've let him. Sometimes I dream of making a clean break. Just packing up and leaving with our son when he's out one day, but then I think of all the reprucussions and never follow through.

For the first month or two he would listen while I talked in circles and ranted and raved because I was so angry, but then a switch flipped and he just checks out. Tells me I need to just get over it. But how? How do you get over someone ripping your heart out without a second thought? 

I don't mean to sound like a broken record, I don't want to seem like a heartbroken lovesick school girl, but that's how I feel. Like I have done everything I can think of and it has gotten me absolutely nowhere at all.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

AmarieDoll said:


> So here it is 3:22 a.m and I'm awake, though I should be asleep, crying, even though I really hate that I am. It's been five months since I found out about the OW and the EA that my husband had with her, and it hurts just as much. I guess I had hoped hat it would get easier. I changed a lot in five months. Dyed my hair black because I had red hair and so does she. We hardly talk anymore, and I guess I find myself wondering why I'm even holding on, and my best friend pretty much hit it head on the other day. I'm scared. Scared to be alone. To be a single mother. To try and do it on my own. I know that makes me weak. I hate that it makes me weak. But I hate what my life has come to. Hate that I don't sleep anymore, that I'm losing my hair, I've had to be put on anti-anxiety medicine because I started having panic attacks whenever he left the house for long periods of time (like going to work, out with his friends, running errands etc.etc.etc) I hate what he's reduced me to, but most of all I hate that I've let him. Sometimes I dream of making a clean break. Just packing up and leaving with our son when he's out one day, but then I think of all the reprucussions and never follow through.
> 
> For the first month or two he would listen while I talked in circles and ranted and raved because I was so angry, but then a switch flipped and he just checks out. Tells me I need to just get over it. But how? How do you get over someone ripping your heart out without a second thought?
> 
> I don't mean to sound like a broken record, I don't want to seem like a heartbroken lovesick school girl, but that's how I feel. Like I have done everything I can think of and it has gotten me absolutely nowhere at all.


I am sorry you are going through this.I can relate to your pain very well.5 months back I was in your situation,wanting to gather courage and leave the hell I was in;I do not even have a child yet was so emotionally weak;;;;But I left(initially I thought it would not be forever,but he like always insisted on a divorce-I accpeted it after 11 years);;;;And trust me I have never been happier;I am gaining my confidence back and getting to know that its is not me but that s*** of a person who has mental issues;;;;;

I have nothing planned for future but all I have today is a free mind with no more tears and fear of being lied to,of being unwanted etc etc;;;;
Do not live in this rutt;you are so young;start taking care of yourself exclusively along with your child;;;;the more you grow healthy,next time you will attract a healthy and honest soul only;;or atleast you shall know to control your life irrespective of what others do;;;;

It will be healthy for your baby and foremost you if you come out of this unhealthy life and leave that cheat to rot in hell;;;;he will definitely try to pursue you but never let him in your life;;;;;;Be like a child again,start a fresh life;;;;;You are as weak as you make yourself feel and as sad as you let the situation overwhelm you;;;so say no to weakness and sorrow..

Whats wrong being in a single mom;I am 29 now and in 3 yers plan to adopt two baby girls once am finacially sound;;;;;And that with or without a partner ;;;;;;

Hugs and Love!!!!


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

Leave him doll!!!! And do not cry over him;;;;;;

Let him go to hell with any woman he likes!!

Please do not cryy...;;;;he is not worth it;;;;;trust me and everyone here;;;

You need not be on any medicines;;start going out for morning walks;;;and do small things that make you happy like when you were 18 and you had met him;;;;you need to be strong mentally;;;he does not have cotrol over your life ...you do...why are you letting someone walk all over you!!!
I suggest you look out for a job and move out,,,,,get in touch with family to help you in taking acre of the baby;;;;;
Its going to be a beautiful life only if you want it to be;;;;;Gather courage;;;;

And he seems to treat you like a doormat telling you that he cannot do anything if you cannot get over his cheating you;;;what a b******;mine was the same and told me the same ;;;;;;;;;;;

Donot take him back unless and untill he does ack-flips to get you backkkkkk;;;;do you understand;;;;be firm and get hold of your happiness...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who do you have in your life that can give you emotional support? Do you have any family around? Your friend? 

The reason that you are not healing from his infidelity is because he is not giving you the emotional support you need nor is he doing anything the prove to you that he can be trusted.

Can you get to a counselor? If so please go.. just you alone for right now.

Ask your friend and family for support. Find out what kind of benefits you can get. Put an exit plan in place. You do not need to exit just yet.. as you need to get stronger. But start buidling a plan. 

Is there some kind of money you can get to go to school and get a good paying career for yourself?

Start planning. over time the plan will become reality.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Hey, how old are you guys ?


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