# Deployed and he cheated



## angel_sweetie1617 (Oct 9, 2010)

We had been together for 2 years when we decided to get married 1 1/2 weeks before I left for deployment. We had never been apart for very long so looking back maybe it wasn't the wisest choice but I thought we could make it. Well I knew I could. Anyways, after 4 months he went out with a group of our friends and cheated on me. He was trying to get me to call him which I was having a hard time finding time to do and that resulted in me finding out from a friend that is on board that he cheated on me.
He has talked to my friends and told them and he tried every way he could think of to talk to me for the next three days after wards (I wasn't talking to him). What made me give in was that one of my friends emailed to say that she knew what happened and that she thought he was genuinely sorry about it. I trust her with everything I have so I thought that there had to be something worth my time if he was able to convince her he was sincere. After talking to her I finally called him. He has not tried to make excuses or put the blame anywhere other than himself. He says he does not know why he did it but that he knows it will never happen again and that he will do anything and wait as long as he has to for me to forgive him. Practically begging that I don't leave. I don't know what to believe and I feel mean for feeling this way.
I do love him and I would like to see it work but I cant seem to find it in myself to forgive him. I try and all I end up doing is thinking about it all and how he could do this. It has been two weeks and I feel that I have only distanced myself and I am afraid that in 3 more months there wont be anything left of our marriage when I get home. I am also afraid I will not love him anymore if I keep going like I am. I don't know what we can do being on opposite sides of the world from each other. I don't know how to trust him or forgive him and I am afraid that I will not be able to move past this. Should I just plan on divorcing when I get home? Is there a way to get over this?
If any one has any experience/advice it would be very appreciated. Thank you.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

first of all I feel sorrow for your situation - here you're serving your country while your husband is at home being unfaithful. 
I don't believe that everyone is cut out for military marriages. Not only is it tremendously difficult for the one serving to be away from home but its also difficult for the spouse lonely at home with little contact. Your husband made a mistake - many people would say that its worthy of ditching the marriage but I dont always agree. Its possible to reconcile but it depends on your ability to forgive. It sounds like youre having trouble with that factor already and my concern is that you become horribly distracted and consumed by this ordeal to the point where it dangerously distracts you at work. You know that a soldier needs focus - so you have to find a way to regain that for your safety.
Now... have you considered seperation? telling him you need time to think about if this marriage is worth saving might not be a bad route. It seems it would be difficult to make amends long distance without the option of counseling or face to face communication. You havent had a chance yet to truly confront him and express your hurt which might help you in your healing. 
Its possible for someone to slip-up and then be a better spouse than before but its also possible he isnt cut out for long distance love. Ultimately its your decision because its your heart & happiness on the line... but if it were me id make him aware that you cant compromise your safety by dealing with his adultry at this moment. He deserves the back burner and im sure your marriage deserves some professional counseling when you return. Stay safe honey and surround yourself with the support of your friends in the field. my heart goes out to you and I hope you figure this out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't think you should plan on divorcing when you get home, no. It may happen, but don't plan on it. You're hurt hurt right now, which is completely understandable. You just found this out; it takes time to get over it. And given the circumstances, it's even more understandable that you'd have trouble trusting him or moving past it.

I think the suggestion of separation until you get home is a good one. This way, you can focus on your work (which is very much appreciated, btw), and then when you get home, you can deal with all this. You need to be fully focused on your work, and right now there's really nothing you can do about your marriage right now anyway. 

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this at all, much less now.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Angel: I am very sorry that you have to go through this. As a former military member who has gone through similar situations, I felt compelled to respond.

Background: I personally received a "Dear John" while in Kirkuk from my long-term girlfriend, two days after my friend (battle-bud) learned of his wife using his deployment money to get breast implants / move in with another man. We attended most of the same counseling sessions, and even did a few "private" sessions together as well. First thing is obvious: Focus on you, and keeping yourself busy. If you go off the wire, this is more important than ever. If you are restricted to base, ensure you stay as busy as possible. Head to the gym, read, volunteer at the hospital, etc.. In keeping yourself busy, do things to work on yourself. I don't say that to imply that there is anything wrong with you, simply that if you focus on yourself he'll see what he was missing when you come home, and even if you do decide to leave, you are better prepared for your next relationship. 

This forum can be a great place to start, but also seek resources on base. Communication is key to keeping yourself sane. I understand how helpless you feel, and talking about it will help. Your chaplain is trained to deal with these situations, so make use of him as well. The first time I spoke with him I was upset; He was so pro-military it felt like he didn't give a crap about our situations. I understand now that he was speaking pro-mil to help out with the distraction, leaving for the pro-marriage counseling for stateside.

That long-term relationship I had mentioned... She saw how much I had changed, improved myself, how fit I was when I came home! We reconciled, and I chose to separate at the end of my term. I proposed to her on the day after I separated from the military. Why? because Lovelieswithin is correct in saying that not everyone is cut out for military marriages. We would have never survived if I had stayed in. I have a lot of words for that subject (and most late teen / early 20's men in the military), but that would be getting off track. The long and short is that your husband is not cut out for a military marriage, but hope is not lost. Do all you can to survive both mentally and physically until you return home. In the mean-time, I sincerely hope for the best. I remember posting on Y!A when my situation happened, and I remember the how much sharing helped me. Not only will there be people here on the forums you can speak to, but there is also a military / military spouses group here you can speak with. Good luck, god bless, and stay safe.


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