# How to go about this...?



## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

First of all...I'm so glad I found this site. I've only been here few days, and it already gave me tremendous comfort to know that I am not the only one going through this grief that my marriage situation has put me.
So...my husband and i have been separated for over 6 months now. I have faults, I was insecure, demanding, and unforgiving. My husband is inconsistent, unkind, and lacks understanding. At the time we separated, I thought it was a temporary thing, just to have a breather. Lately, I've come to realize that I can't change my husband, I can only change me. So I started being kind, telling him I miss him and I love him, asked him to forgive me for all the hurt that I've caused him, and that I still want to work on the marriage. But the more I show kindness, understanding and consideration to my husband, the more I feel like I am enabling his arrogance. He feels like he has no accountability on the demise of our marriage. He continuously tells me that he doesn't know where he's at, continuous to be critical of me, continuous to tell me that I shouldn't get my hopes up of ever reconcilling because I have hurt him a lot. I'm like...WTF??!! You didn't hurt me?! But I held my tounge, didn't want to make matters worse than it already is.
right now...I'm numb, I feel like i'd prefer to beat the crap out of this man to make him come to his senses and make him realize he has responsibility in keeping the marriage as well. I swear...sometimes, I feel like my husband is the girl in our marriage. 
sorry...just very very frustrated and venting. I can't say this to my Pastor since he's going to tell me it's not the Christian thing to do and think. And he is right...just very angry right now.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

ProfJ said:


> I have faults, I was insecure, demanding, and unforgiving. My husband is inconsistent, unkind, and lacks understanding. At the time we separated, I thought it was a temporary thing, just to have a breather. Lately, I've come to realize that I can't change my husband, I can only change me. So I started being kind, telling him I miss him and I love him, asked him to forgive me for all the hurt that I've caused him, and that I still want to work on the marriage. But the more I show kindness, understanding and consideration to my husband, the more I feel like I am enabling his arrogance.


First of all, it doesn't matter how many stories I read on here or hear in counseling, my heart always goes out to those who are suffering a tremendous amount of emotional pain in their marriage. ProfJ, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

To me, telling him you miss him, love him, and asking him to forgive you kind of sounds like you are begging for him to come back. It is a different way of showing the insecurities you have in your relationship. I would give him his space and then work on becoming a stronger woman. Don't "smother" him as he is trying to sort these things out. Smothering or clinging will only push him further away. I recognize that he has done things that have been traumatic to the relationship as well. Hopefully you will be able to work those things out in counseling. In the meantime, work on changing yourself. Work on being a better, more loving, confident person.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> To me, telling him you miss him, love him, and asking him to forgive you kind of sounds like you are begging for him to come back. It is a different way of showing the insecurities you have in your relationship. I would give him his space and then work on becoming a stronger woman. Don't "smother" him as he is trying to sort these things out. Smothering or clinging will only push him further away. I recognize that he has done things that have been traumatic to the relationship as well. Hopefully you will be able to work those things out in counseling. In the meantime, work on changing yourself. Work on being a better, more loving, confident person.


Thank you for the advice, I kinda thought that's what it seems like. I did the 180 the first few weeks that we were separated, but then he started keeping in touch. I thought that he didn't want to start the reconciliation because of pride so I figured, I'll just go ahead and spill my guts. When I told him that I would like to work on the marriage, he told me in not so many words not to get my hopes up since he still doesn't know where he's at. So I asked him if he wanted a divorce, and he started freaking out on me. To me, it seems like my husband knew our marriage is done but just wants to keep me on the sidelines because he knew it hurts me. I realize now that he is vindictive and childish. He doesn't want to go to counselling either since he doesn't like a stranger to be telling him that he is wrong.
so for now...I will wait the full 12 months, will not initiate any communication, but if he does, I will try to be kind. That's the best I could do for now I guess. 
Once again, thank you for the sympathy, it helps alleviate the pain somehow.


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