# Seperated 1 month,15 year marriage i feel is over..



## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Well were do i start .Met my wife in high school 20 years ago. We been married since 2000 we have 3 kids 14,12,and 9. We used to be crazy in love and lust with each other.Then over the years things slowed down. She worked in childcare as did I. I dont know what happen but she cheated in 2007 it was weird .Found some emails she said it was nothing. that she would not talk to him again.(A guy I knew from high school) few months went by i found out she was talking to him on the phone. She lied and said nothing happen. then we went to counseling she finally admitted it. I was heartbroken but i wanted to work it out because i loved my wife.So we patched things up she did all the thing she could do to earn my trust back. cut off all ties to the guy,stayed around me alot . Told me everything i wanted to know. Fast forward to 2015 Valentines day. She tells she wants to move out. Say she is not in love with me anymore. So i did the whole beg and plead thing which seem to not faze her at all. And after she told me that i lost my trust for her. So the next 2 months we tried to make it work. But i couldnt trust her anymore no matter how hard i tried. And she didnt help things she started to go out a few times with her single friends. got real funny with her phone. She is self employed so she came home and took a bath a few times in the middle of the day which was never in her character. She swears me up and down she is not having and affair. But im having all the feelings i had in 2007. I caught her in a few lies about where she was at. Once she put the deposit on the place thats when i knew it was real. She has been so mean and cold hearted. I feel like i dont even know this person. She asked for a seperation at first but then she said we might as well just get a divorce. She even got the papers and all. Seems very quick to me.She wont tell me if she she is having another affair because she already will have to pay me alimony if i ask for it since she make way more money than me the last 5 years. We have been seperated a month now and i find myself a shell of a man. She has me by the balls i feel even tho I just know she is cheating. Oh I have my oldest son with me. She calls me and trys to talk like we are friends and still denys there being anybody else. I feel its really over and I see a lawyer on tuesday. She wants to do it without lawyers and just wants me to sign. I feel she is just playing with my emotions now but i got to find a way to not let her. it so hard i love my wife but i know what she is doing is not right. Im 39 and she is 37 I moved to my moms house 2 hours away she end up staying in the house a lil while longer but found another place to move in to. Hard to believe Ive known this woman for 20 years and she just said she is done. She wants to feel what is like to be independent?? The first week i was in the greiving stage and depressed stage im getting a little better. I just want to try to move on i guess. If that makes sense. i just need some advice


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

See the lawyer. Even if you two are able to work out your own settlement, you need a lawyer on your side to look it over before signing.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Time to detach, it will help lower the attachment to your wife so you can gauge her more logically in a neutral way. Think of your love for her as an addiction, and treat it the same way. Contact should be only divorce and the children.

She is not the same person you fell in love with, even though she wears her face. People change, and the person you love is not quite there anymore. When you think of her, it triggers those attachment, but those attachments are only given meaning through experience and what you know. What you are missing is nothing more than an illusion at this point.

Seek a lawyer,find help from men's divorce support groups so they can help you navigate through the process.

It is time to work on you, heal, do things that improve your life. Without a relationship to focus on, you will have the time and energy to make that possible.

I suggest working out daily, preferably in the morning. Make positive choices that benefit you, and the investments will show.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Definitely see the lawyer. It doesn't mean you have to have the lawyer do all the paperwork for you, etc. But meet, get advice, etc. The attorney can give you a good idea of what you're eligible for in terms of child support and alimony. After that you can determine if you want to pay a retainer and have the him/her represent you through the whole process or draft an agreement on your own that you both sign, and do things out of court. 

I'm going through a split with my ex for the second time. This time we're not married, but I did meet with an attorney and he informed me that if can can come to an agreement on our own, and both have signed copies, it's good enough to stand up in court if either one of us ended up taking the other to court in the future. Doesn't even have to be notarized.

Good luck....I think there's definitely someone else. People don't just randomly come home to take baths in the middle of the day for no reason.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hire a PI to prove that she is having an affair...then go to town. Also follow the advice above...and please please work on you...


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Thanks for the input guys. This site has been unreal. I never thought there were guys like me going thru this stuff. I told her not to call me yesterday. I made the mistake of going to the house friday just to see the kids and obv to see her. She asked me to come home for the weekend to "see the kids" then saturday she went to the baby shower at 2pm then called at 5pm said she was going out with her friend amanda who i know. While i had the kids until 11:30. My kids where at my cousins house when she came home drunk. We got intimate but no intercourse she wasnt having it. So then i got get my kids who were 5 mintues away came back she left and would answer her phone. She came back at 9:30 that morning and took a shower again. Mind you she took one at 11:30 when she came home. She told she went over to amanda to sleep on her couch. Then while she was laying in bed amanda texted her "how did it go last night" we both saw it she had this look on her face then rolled over saying i think you should go. I was sick i mean i felt she was cheating anyway but at least not while im there. Then she was like i swear i was at amandas i told her i would talk to her in the morning blah blah. In reality we are separated and i probably should have never been there in the first place. It actually kinda made me feel like i wasnt crazy. So sunday she slept i was gonna take my son and go back. Then she got up still saying she was at Amandas. I really feel like a fool and she takes me for a fool. So when i left sunday i had a since of clarity wasnt gonna talk to her or nothing felt i was making progress then yesterday she called and i know i wasnt suppose to answer but yet i did. She tells me they found a place and do i want the furniture because it wont fit her place ect ect. I told her please dont call me text about the kids. Idk what she is doing she says she dosent want me or this marriage but if i go a week without talking to her she calls me. And i wanna de-friend her on Facebook but im having a hard time. We agreed not to air our personal stuff on the book. So alot of people are in the dark. But i dont think im healing and. I dont know why she is doing this i feel she is afriad of me going after alimony she has mentioned it before. I wanna just try to move on from this. And what is the 180 thing i here about?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bigcityman75 said:


> Well were do i start .Met my wife in high school 20 years ago. We been married since 2000 we have 3 kids 14,12,and 9. We used to be crazy in love and lust with each other.Then over the years things slowed down. She worked in childcare as did I. I dont know what happen but she cheated in 2007 it was weird .Found some emails she said it was nothing. that she would not talk to him again.(A guy I knew from high school) few months went by i found out she was talking to him on the phone. She lied and said nothing happen. then we went to counseling she finally admitted it. I was heartbroken but i wanted to work it out because i loved my wife.So we patched things up she did all the thing she could do to earn my trust back. cut off all ties to the guy,stayed around me alot . Told me everything i wanted to know. Fast forward to 2015 Valentines day. She tells she wants to move out. Say she is not in love with me anymore. So i did the whole beg and plead thing which seem to not faze her at all. And after she told me that i lost my trust for her. So the next 2 months we tried to make it work. But i couldnt trust her anymore no matter how hard i tried. And she didnt help things she started to go out a few times with her single friends. got real funny with her phone. She is self employed so she came home and took a bath a few times in the middle of the day which was never in her character. She swears me up and down she is not having and affair. But im having all the feelings i had in 2007. I caught her in a few lies about where she was at. Once she put the deposit on the place thats when i knew it was real. She has been so mean and cold hearted. I feel like i dont even know this person. She asked for a seperation at first but then she said we might as well just get a divorce. She even got the papers and all. Seems very quick to me.She wont tell me if she she is having another affair because she already will have to pay me alimony if i ask for it since she make way more money than me the last 5 years. We have been seperated a month now and i find myself a shell of a man. She has me by the balls i feel even tho I just know she is cheating. Oh I have my oldest son with me. She calls me and trys to talk like we are friends and still denys there being anybody else. I feel its really over and I see a lawyer on tuesday. She wants to do it without lawyers and just wants me to sign. I feel she is just playing with my emotions now but i got to find a way to not let her. it so hard i love my wife but i know what she is doing is not right. Im 39 and she is 37 I moved to my moms house 2 hours away she end up staying in the house a lil while longer but found another place to move in to. Hard to believe Ive known this woman for 20 years and she just said she is done. She wants to feel what is like to be independent?? The first week i was in the greiving stage and depressed stage im getting a little better. I just want to try to move on i guess. If that makes sense. i just need some advice


She's lying and is having an affair. May or may not be w/ the same guy. Hell, there may be more than one guy.

She wants to play nice and be friends so that she can keep you on the hook and secure a sweet deal for herself in the divorce. Don't sign a damn thing w/o talking to a lawyer first.

It's probably also worth pointing out that she's a serial cheater and you've got young children. You should probably look into paternity testing for each of them.

Sorry.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> She's lying and is having an affair. May or may not be w/ the same guy. Hell, there may be more than one guy.


Agreed.

If you consider it logically, there's no other conclusion; especially considering her history. So don't waste you're time wondering. Assume it.

Detach from her, and don't let her convince you to not at least talk to an attorney first. Use your free consult.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am so sorry you are going through this. 
Here are few words of wisdom I can offer:
1) Listen to the advice here. 
2) Listen to your Lawyer. While you are still in love with your wife, you are going to want to make things easier for her. But eventually you won't feel that way, and you will be glad that your lawyer was meaner than you are.
3) Cut her off. You can't stop obsessing about her or missing her, but getting intimate with her is only going to make it worse for you. 
4) It does get better. It won't get better as soon as you want it to...and the absolute despair...well that can go on for a long time. But it does get better. I think it took me about 7 months to feel like my head was above water emotionally. I'm still not over it, but now, at least, I feel like I can breath.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Thanks for the input guys. I know she was being unfaithful i just wanted to believe her lies but i knew. Just couldnt catch her i wonder how this will effect the case by me saying she has been unfaithful in the past and i think she is has been again before i left. Damn i feel for my two kids who is with her my 12 year old girl and my 9 year old son. They dont deserve this. I have my 14 year old boy with me. He is doing ok.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop being a little weakling when it comes to your old lady....she has your number and will continue to mind phuck you while she gets the the good stuff from her new boyfriend.

You must understand that if she throws her boy friend in your face you will be harder to control so she lies to you knowing you are the fool to believe her. You are easier to control if she keeps hiding the affair

Sorry bro but you will continue to get used as long as you let her use you.

Again she has your number...a little affection and bamb she has a free baby sitter while she goes and gets laid....WTF man!

It's time to man up and take control of your self.

Chicks dig confident guys maybe if you stood up to her once in a while she might second guess what she is losing.

She just might think twice about her choices when you start commanding respect.

Sorry brother but from were I'm sitting you keep playing right into her hand.

It's all bull shyt and she keeps playing you....

You don't need to confront her, but you can show her that you are moving on with out her and show her the *indifference* from you that she deserve cuz of her crappy behavior.

It's over man...you can't compete with new love so there is no reason in trying to convince your self that this new stranger is anything but a stranger...she is no longer the same women you married ....that women died when a new man soiled her womb.

She can take a million baths and it will never get the filth off her....and that's something she has to live with, not you!

Go find a women that doesn't need to try to wash the filth off her every time she is around you.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

It seems that you now know the truth. Time for you to make the decision.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

She called today after church and said while she was crying "Im sorry for giving up on the marriage." I guess she heard something in church that made her emotional. I dont get why call me and tell me that? What is the purpose. So i typed up this and was thinking of sending this to her. So yea you called me to say you are sorry for giving up on our marriage. Really?? Because you heard something in church to make you get emotional? What did you think was gonna happen if you go to church? You have been unfaithful, deceitful you have constantly lied to a lot of people about what you are doing. But your actions are not fooling anybody. You think God is gonna bless what you are doing? You are commiting adultery still. Would you approve Amaria doing what your doing?? Could you honestly say today if you died that you are going to heaven? Adultery is a huge sin . I know you had the kids over your dad's house Friday night and prolly again last night who knows. Its no excuse for infidelity. None. You decided your so called happiness was more important than figuring a way to work out your marriage and save your kids from a long troubled process. You wanted to go out drink and hang out. That is what is important to you? You let people influence you to destroy what we built. Anything financial can be replaced and fixed. But our children will be forever scared having us together all this time then now there are without mother and father. Was it all really worth it Danielle? You think this guy who ever it is loves you? You think he respects you? Hell you don't even respect yourself. Don't really think what you are doing is ok? .


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I strongly suggest she needs to see a man that is completely indifferent to her now.

Sending her any letter is just another way she continues to control you.

She was crying cuz she already knows all the things you want to tell her here and are all true but in a few hours it will all be washed away with a handful of drinks and the attention of another man....so whats the point?

Not responding to her shyty out burst after church has a lot more weight to it then responding with all this crap she is doing and in fact knows it's all wrong but yet continues.

For own emotional health please distance your self from her...it's bad enough to deal with the emotional torture when you *have to* when dealing with her when it's kid related, but to pour out all this emotion on a letter won't have the impact like not responding at all.

She doesn't need to be judged....she need to be let go!

An *action* that will bring it home and make it real for her and as they say "actions speak loader then words"!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In short it's just a mattter of a few drinks and her boyfriend/s telling her lies like "she is not a bad person" and "you will be ok" even "your kids won't resent you"...

She is around a toxic enviorment that is way stronger then an hours worth of church service.....you can't compete, so please just let her go...it might save your marriage and family once she see you are truelly gone from her life and no logner care to reply to her guilty little out burst that will wash away with a few drinks and some hot sex from a man that will most likely leave her for another married women.

Let her go ...she is going to have to learn this the hard way.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Your right thanks for the input. I really need advice on how to be strong when she calls or text me. Should just ignore her or just cut her off when she ask me how am i doing? Because she sent me a text this morning saying" do you have a mintue to talk?" Thats when she called with the foolishness. I know i gotta be strong and just let her be. I havent called her she always calls me. I feel like my head is spinning . Give me some advice to combat her using my emotions against me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just let it go to voicemail. Ignore her.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Been working and definitely makes a difference on how im feeling day to day. Ive been doing alot of reading on here and you guys are amazing. I figured out she was "gaslighting" me which when you sit back a realize it makes you mad. She did the same thing when she cheated 7 years ago. Saw the lawyer she said its now way around her paying me durational alimony and child support. I thought it was since she had two kids and i had 1 but i guess they go by how much you make. Go figure. I have been employing the 180 which has helped me. Still have a day or two were i think about her but i just revert to all the nasty **** she said before i left and how she treated me with no respect. Im definitely getting stronger she said she filed and i should be getting it soon. Pretty sure im gonna reject it and have to send a counter. Man attorneys are expensive to retain i hope we can settle which i doubt she will wanna do. Cause feels like she owns me nothin. Go figure . Not even the truth.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

bigcityman75 said:


> Well were do i start .Met my wife in high school 20 years ago. We been married since 2000 we have 3 kids 14,12,and 9. We used to be crazy in love and lust with each other.Then over the years things slowed down. She worked in childcare as did I. I dont know what happen but she cheated in 2007 it was weird .Found some emails she said it was nothing. that she would not talk to him again.(A guy I knew from high school) few months went by i found out she was talking to him on the phone. She lied and said nothing happen. then we went to counseling she finally admitted it. I was heartbroken but i wanted to work it out because i loved my wife.So we patched things up she did all the thing she could do to earn my trust back. cut off all ties to the guy,stayed around me alot . Told me everything i wanted to know. Fast forward to 2015 Valentines day. She tells she wants to move out. Say she is not in love with me anymore. So i did the whole beg and plead thing which seem to not faze her at all. And after she told me that i lost my trust for her. So the next 2 months we tried to make it work. But i couldnt trust her anymore no matter how hard i tried. And she didnt help things she started to go out a few times with her single friends. got real funny with her phone. She is self employed so she came home and took a bath a few times in the middle of the day which was never in her character. She swears me up and down she is not having and affair. But im having all the feelings i had in 2007. I caught her in a few lies about where she was at. Once she put the deposit on the place thats when i knew it was real. She has been so mean and cold hearted. I feel like i dont even know this person. She asked for a seperation at first but then she said we might as well just get a divorce. She even got the papers and all. Seems very quick to me.She wont tell me if she she is having another affair because she already will have to pay me alimony if i ask for it since she make way more money than me the last 5 years. We have been seperated a month now and i find myself a shell of a man. She has me by the balls i feel even tho I just know she is cheating. Oh I have my oldest son with me. She calls me and trys to talk like we are friends and still denys there being anybody else. I feel its really over and I see a lawyer on tuesday. She wants to do it without lawyers and just wants me to sign. I feel she is just playing with my emotions now but i got to find a way to not let her. it so hard i love my wife but i know what she is doing is not right. Im 39 and she is 37 I moved to my moms house 2 hours away she end up staying in the house a lil while longer but found another place to move in to. Hard to believe Ive known this woman for 20 years and she just said she is done. She wants to feel what is like to be independent?? The first week i was in the greiving stage and depressed stage im getting a little better. I just want to try to move on i guess. If that makes sense. i just need some advice


If she wants to be free and independant, then let her be free and independant. Give her the divorce she wants. She has cheated on you in the past and is likely cheating on you now, so please read these words and imprint them in your brain: YOU DESERVE BETTER. If you stay with her, your kids will grow up thinking it's normal and OK to have an affair. 

Get that alimony from her, let her go, something tells me she will come back but by that time, you'll have become independant and strong enough to realize that you truly don't want her anymore. She's treated you and the kids badly by cheating, and right now you think you still love her...but once times goes by, you've detached, you'll realize you probably don't even want her.

She is not worth your heart ache.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

is there any male divorce support group where you live. They can be a a great sense of support and advice.

Good job on the detaching from her part. Keep associating her with those negative qualities, and be wary about her. She is your opponent and never show your hand to her.

Glad to hear that your fighting for your share.

Keep building yourself up, and keep bettering your life. Creating a strong independent you will increase the probability of not dating unstable females if/when you do decide to date again.

You thought you had a prize before, but it turn out to be a dud.

Once you have strong boundaries, you will let them go at the signs of red flags that you notice. Since the priority is you, and you are first and foremost, you will not lower your standards to someone else level, but they will have to meet yours.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I have read your story and you repeat a common theme among betrayed spouses who stay. It is sad that you and those like you suffer as you do. I don't mean any disrespect, but your story is so familiar. That being said, I'm gonna give you a metaphor to help you.

Imagine that your wife decided to terminate your family. I mean she announced that she was going to systematically take each person and execute them. If she called you, would you be weak? If she said, "let me in" all cute and loving while holding a weapon would you do it? If she said, "let me have the kids" would you cooperate? If it was going to cost you big money to keep her away, would you pay it?

My point is this, she has undertaken a course of destruction to the emotional safety and mental safety of your kids and you. She has declared war on you. She is armed. You can dither and piddle away your time wondering what to do and feeling all emotional or you can decide to protect yourself and your kids from her. She is never going to be safe. Even if she claims to have realized the error of her ways. She is not safe. She will get in and then execute everyone. You don't have to consider her the enemy, but you do have to realize that she is a threat and dangerous to all of you.

When I was a prosecutor, I had a case where the adult child nearly killed his mom. He was mentally unstable and had been for years. he had progressively gotten more aggressive towards his mom, but she loved him, as she should have. Unfortunately, she confused love and safety. Just because she loved him did not make him safe, and it nearly cost her her life. Seriously, I don't know how she survived his attack. 

Your wife is not safe to you, has not been safe to you, and will never be safe to you or your kids. Maybe you can't hate her, but you have to fight her anyway. She has to go and remain gone. No financial price is too high to pay. You go to war for your kids. Even if the target is their mother. When she calls, repeat to yourself, "she is not safe". When you feel emotional or guilty, remember, "if she gets in, she will destroy us". 

One day you can start questioning why you still love someone who does not love you and mistreats you and has tried to destroy you and your kids.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

I dont know what happen to me? i played professional baseball for 9 years and had to be mentally tough to be able to do what i did. I somewhere along the way lost my respect and my manhood in marriage . She hasnt respected me for a long time and i let her get away with it because i was beaten down emotional and thought it would change. As i look back as a man i should have never allowed her to treat me the way she did and i think im having a hard time dealing with that. Also she cheated once before and then pretty sure she cheated again after i trusted her again. It still her hurts my ego i guess. I feel like i took a step back today she took a jab at me today on facebook( i know i should have blocked her a month ago) i then went on a rant about her gaslighting me and how she will get hers ect ect.. but then i snapped out of it and deleted after a few ppl called and said dont let everybody know your business. She was blocked before i put it up. I just wanna move on from this man i never thought i could feel this way i now wont have any contact with her my kids have cell phones. Im afraid to go back to my hometown for mothers day. I think i need to just stay away even tho i miss my two kids. I feel i was making progress until today. Now im feeling a little better. I really hate this guys!!!


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