# Sometimes I can't stand my wife



## 2cool4school (Jan 26, 2017)

Hello everyone,

Im having troubles loving my wife, but first I'll tell you a little something about us. 

We are both 31 years old and have been together now for 7 years and married for 1 year and 5 months. We have 
Recently had the most amazing experience giving birth to our son, he's 3 months. We are both mystified by him and love him so much. but in love with each other? not so much. 

I am extremely stressed with finances and work right now , The industry is slow and I'm debating traveling back up North to work, mostly to get our finances back up and get away from my wife. 
For some reason my wife just nags and nags or doesn't answer questions that I ask like simple questions I just want the answer and not a big debate fight over it. Sometimes she pushes and pushes me to a level of anger I can't control , I see red my head hurts and I yell for her to stop or to shut the **** up . Its unbearable to me. She can be the definition of ***** to the T , her tone of voice and her attitude. 
I love her and hate her at the same time, I even ponder the idea of divorce ... mainly because sometimes she stressed me out so much that I'm not even attractive to her and i usually hold this grudge for awhile and when she does want to get frisky or be intimate i can't even bring myself to engaging... I'm repulsed still.

I would like for our marriage to work and maybe things will change when I go back to work and I'm away from this infectious poisonous cloud that lurks above us right now. I don't know tho are we wasting our time together ? id say we have 1 bad day for every 3 or 4 days ... thoughts, insights, examples, anythings helps.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

The two of you need to work on arguing in a more constructive way, so you need to approach debating her at times when you two can normally have civilized conversations.

While painful, do you best to listen to her side of arguments and acknowledge how you think she feels. Do NOT be defensive! Once you get through that, ask her to NOT be defensive and try to listen to how you feel and acknowledge that. 

I will share that if you have a three-month old in the house, you need to be freaking patient with her. You wife is exhausted and struggling to adjust to the drastic change in lifestyle that having a newborn in the house implies. Odds are she is overprotecting the newborn and giving him 110% of her energy, patience, and attention. Meanwhile all you get from her is likely impatience, fatigue, and being ignored. 

You need to get it across to her that she has to make her marriage a priority and try to communicate better with you, or your son will end up with divorced parents. 

You may also find it helpful to completely take over caring for the baby for 24 hours to give your wife a break and just let her sleep. This will help her feel better and have more patience towards you, and you will realize that taking care of a three-month old ALL ALONE for 24 hours straight will break you and bring you to tears. But his adorable cuteness will somehow keep you sane.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Running away wont solve the problem. She is probably completely exhausted with a quite new baby, I know I was. 
I think some MC will help you learn better ways to communicate.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

2cool4school said:


> Sometimes she pushes and pushes me to a level of anger I can't control , I see red my head hurts and I yell for her to stop or to shut the **** up .


Yeah my exwife used to "do that to me" also. 

Then after we divorced and I got some counseling and gained some real self perspective I realized that I had only myself to blame for my anger management issues.

I hope you get there some day otherwise even if you divorce her you'll find yourself screaming at the next person who triggers you in some way.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I have a couple of questions for you:

1. Do you have specific examples of what it is she's doing that makes you dislike her so much? 

2. Have you articulated any of these examples to her and presented a solution?

3. Has this been mostly a recent thing, starting around the birth of your son?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

browser said:


> Yeah my exwife used to "do that to me" also.
> 
> Then after we divorced and I got some counseling and gained some real self perspective I realized that I had only myself to blame for my anger management issues.
> 
> I hope you get there some day otherwise even if you divorce her you'll find yourself screaming at the next person who triggers you in some way.


Sound advice.
Even if she is being infuriating, you should have more control over your emotions, reactions, etc. 

Are you easy to infuriate in other areas? Short temper?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Why would you make a baby with someone whom you can't stand and contemplate divorce from? Does she know you're thinking like this?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

These are the good years. Seriously.

They're stressful for the marriage and you two, but you'll be amazed at how fast the kids grow up. Then **poof** they're gone.

Stop and smell the roses young man. It's no longer about you and it's no longer about her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

2cool4school said:


> sometimes she pushes and pushes me to a level of anger I can't control , I see red my head hurts and I yell for her to stop or to shut the **** up .


First and foremost you need to get help for your lack of anger management. She may be a nag, but you cant put the blame on her for your lack of control. You need to deal with that first.


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## 2cool4school (Jan 26, 2017)

Thank you everyone who has responded to my post it helps me greatly and I appreciate it. There are a lot of different views and insights that I have not considered or thought about before. 
-control my emotions 
-have more patience 
2 things I'll take from this forum tonight and work on . 

For some of the questions asked . She does know I feel this way, and before and after we got married I never quite had feelings like this ... it has been more recently in the last couple of months. Some of the things that bothers me are just a lot of built up feelings that are saturating but some examples are .... is that she is short with me when she talks to me, interrupts me when I talk, always has a tone of voice thats very *****y, is constantly on my ass about every little thing.its like living with your mom. but what bothers me the most is when we do argue she says the nastiest **** to me, and I can't help but think what a B#[email protected] However I'm not perfect, I definitely get infuriated easily and I'm stubborn. I wish I was more disciplined with my emotions, which I'm trying to work on.

She is aware of what bothers me and Im aware of what bothers her. 
maybe were both sleep deprived and have scene to much of eachother since we've had our child ?
Is anyone going through something close to the same situation ?


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

2cool4school said:


> Thank you everyone who has responded to my post it helps me greatly and I appreciate it. There are a lot of different views and insights that I have not considered or thought about before.
> -control my emotions
> -have more patience
> 2 things I'll take from this forum tonight and work on .
> ...


No matter what ANYONE says through mere words, if those words control how it makes you feel.... you're giving this one person waaay too much control over you as an individual. 

It's dangerous.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, women who "nag" are usually doing so because they have some relationship need that isn't being met, and because our partner isn't actively listening to us. We can also become b!tchy when our partner isn't meeting our needs.

It sounds like she doesn't fight fair, but she may be at the end of her rope with you, as well. She may be doing those things that you hate as a last resort to spur you to action. It's messed up and not healthy, but if you guys had a healthy dynamic, I don't think you would be here today.

My guess is that she is exhausted with the new baby and needs some help and support from her husband, but she sees you as being short tempered and checked out. That can't make her feel good. I bet she's scared that you want out, and that she'll be left alone with a baby when she's already feeling overwhelmed--and she wouldn't be far off, would she? You did, after all, say that you want to take work up north to get away from her.


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## 2cool4school (Jan 26, 2017)

Apexmale said:


> No matter what ANYONE says through mere words, if those words control how it makes you feel.... you're giving this one person waaay too much control over you as an individual.
> 
> It's dangerous.



I hear what your saying,,hmmm. 
you hear the words and it is received in your brain, it absorbs and then a thought occurs followed by a reaction.
I suppose after your absorb it your thought of how you will deal with it needs to process longer then reaction. 
how do you make words not control how you feel is my question back to you ?


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

I agree with a PP, women nag as a result of something YOU'RE doing or not doing. We're not being satisfied. 

I find the only time I nag my husband is when he's not doing something (usually something simple) to my satisfaction and it directly affects me. For example, I normally pay a certain bill, but I asked him to pay for 3 months because I put 3k worth of work on my car unexpectedly. No problem. I always pay it as soon as I get it because I know the billing cycle: If you wait until it's almost due you have another one right after. Sure enough he's *****ing about how he "just" paid that. Actually, no you didn't. It sat for 3 weeks. THere are only 4 in a month so what the **** do you expect, lol?hPay it as soon as you ****ing get it to avoid being bombarded with 2 bills at the same damn time. I'm sure I'll nag AGAIN when this scenario repeats itself for the last month he's taking care of that bill. 

You don't want to be nagged at? Man up. Be better at whatever you're doing. Women don't by nature like nagging. If we've resorted to nagging there's a level of disappointment we've reached in you so a nag is a result of your action or inaction. What is she nagging you about? Did you not gran the formula on the way home from work, but will "do it later?"NO. Do it when she asked. That's why she asked when she asked.

In sum, it really osunds like this all is a result of being overhwlemed by your son. I don't think this isn't fixable, but you've got to stop focusing ont he little things. Her voice? Really? DO you know how silly you sound


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

2cool4school said:


> I hear what your saying,,hmmm.
> you hear the words and it is received in your brain, it absorbs and then a thought occurs followed by a reaction.
> I suppose after your absorb it your thought of how you will deal with it needs to process longer then reaction.
> how do you make words not control how you feel is my question back to you ?


You can't control anybody else, in any way. These forums are full of posts about spouses who despite being in a relationship, did whatever they wanted to do anyways. Most damage was irrepairable.

When you come to realize you can't control anyone else, you'll come to realize they can't control you either. If your wife "pushes your buttons" and her words effect your demeanor and behavior... YOU are the only one responsible. She is just taking advantage of that undefended area you expose. Every single decision we make presents us with new problems. But it's only the problems that we can solve that help us create personal progress. The problems outside of our control, create frustration, despair, and helplessness among a few things.

Anger, disappointment, depression, etc... are all powerful emotions. Those take time to develop. If you realize her words are effecting how you feel, you'll be able to catch the process in it's early stages and can stop it.

Being happy in a marriage, such as in life, doesnt depend on how you feel. Thinking emotions are what directly create happiness is just crazy. 

Happiness depends on personal progress. Always.


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## 2cool4school (Jan 26, 2017)

Apexmale, thank you that was an excellent response. Unicorn Cupcake thank you for your insight as well. 

2 Days have past since our last argument there, Im cooled off now and were getting along. I must say this forum has helped me so much , its nice just to unwind all the tension thats been built up and talk to other people about it and get there perspectives. I think I've been selfish with my emotions but didn't really see it and my focus now is to control my emotions and be more helpful to her needs and her emotions first. Patience is the key to my personal progress and anger management. 

Thank you all


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My marriage was like the OP's and still is. I think one of the biggest problems was that she insisted to be a SAHM. If she's demanding that don't let her, make it a priority that she has to go back to work. Putting all the financial responsibility on one person is not fair to that person and would create so much stress it's not worth it. There are day care's out there for a reason, use them. 

Others have suggested that the OP control his anger but what I would think would be more helpful is if his wife learned to treat him like a human being. It seems that she's pushing his buttons to get a response out of him. My wife did it all the time to me. I left the house when she started that. Try to control yourself when she argues with you and leave when it gets bad. 

I would also suggest not leaving for extended period of time to find work. She'll file if she does that and you'll be in financial turmoil. The courts will see this as abandonment, both your wife and your son. 

I don't envy young couples these days. There is so much going on to drive them apart and society's answer seems to be to overuse divorce.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> My marriage was like the OP's and still is. I think one of the biggest problems was that she insisted to be a SAHM. If she's demanding that don't let her, make it a priority that she has to go back to work. Putting all the financial responsibility on one person is not fair to that person and would create so much stress it's not worth it. There are day care's out there for a reason, use them.
> 
> *Others have suggested that the OP control his anger but what I would think would be more helpful is if his wife learned to treat him like a human being. It seems that she's pushing his buttons to get a response out of him. My wife did it all the time to me. I left the house when she started that. Try to control yourself when she argues with you and leave when it gets bad. *
> 
> ...


I said it before... She may be doing this as a last resort. Many women get to this point because their needs aren't being met in the relationship--it's reactionary. They don't WANT to be like this, but nothing else has worked.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> My marriage was like the OP's and still is. I think one of the biggest problems was that she insisted to be a SAHM. If she's demanding that don't let her, make it a priority that she has to go back to work. Putting all the financial responsibility on one person is not fair to that person and would create so much stress it's not worth it. There are day care's out there for a reason, use them.
> 
> Others have suggested that the OP control his anger but what I would think would be more helpful is if his wife learned to treat him like a human being. It seems that she's pushing his buttons to get a response out of him. My wife did it all the time to me. I left the house when she started that. Try to control yourself when she argues with you and leave when it gets bad.
> 
> ...


It would be helpful if the wife treated the husband like a human being, but that isn't up to anyone but the wife. A husband is not responsible for a wife's happiness, vice versa. 

She does need to find work though. It might help if she was focused on other areas of her life and a career helps considerably. Humans are incredibly focused and when we focus too much on negativity, or what makes us uncomfortable, we experience exactly that. A career helps us place focus on things outside the home and helps that we don't get overwhelmed.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I started feeling this way toward my wife when the kids were about ten months old - suddenly it became a major crisis when I didn't find a parking spot to her liking, nor did I clean the kids up to her satisfaction, or cut their food correctly, etc.  She would tell her sitter what an idiot I was and how she needed to watch me all of the time. I even got in trouble when she left some of the kids items at the sitter's house - she left them there, but somehow it was my fault (the sitter called her on that one). Funny thing was I could be with the kids all day and be fine, while if she had the kids for an hour until I got home from work, she'd give me the third degree when I got home ranting about how she never gets any help (note that I'd let her go out a lot, while I never went anywhere but work). Part of her issue was her drama queen sister constantly calling her about all of the stupid crap in her life and hitting her up for money. 

One major difference between the OP and me is that I never stood up to her for about a year - I just walked on eggshells trying to do everything just right (which never happened). Finally, around the time the kids turned two, I decided to start pushing back when she got out of line, and it worked like a charm. However, I did notice that it affected my feeling for her permanently. Now I don't like being around her all that much, and I attribute that to not standing up to her when I should have. 

Only advice that I have is not to go overboard - be firm but don't be a jerk. Of course, don't be a doormat either - if she's nagging, find out if you're really at fault and if you are, fix it. If you're not and she's still nagging, then be firm and let her know that she's out of line.


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