# Why do you think the divorce rate is so high??



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

My hubs and I joke a lot about why divorce is so common especially amongst Americans. In my hub's country they rarely divorce.. they stay in their marriage even if they are unhappy. 

I think technology plays a big factor...think how much harder it would be to cheat without the internet! its so easy to reconnect with old flames through facebook and google +... does anyone else have any thoughts?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's easy to get and available.

You don't really need a reason...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's easy to get and available.
> 
> You don't really need a reason...


And that can be good since no one can cheat and stay in a marriage because it takes a long time to get divorce. I heard at one time it took 5 years of separation to get one. 

Now if you cheat, the next question is simply "Why didn't you just get a divorce?"


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

you're saying you dont need a reason to get divorced? then why get married? no reason?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

cory275 said:


> you're saying you dont need a reason to get divorced? then why get married? no reason?


The reason to get married would be different from the reason to get a divorce.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dude. People get divorced because they don't want to work it out. Some people have major issues, many people just don't give a crap.

Why get married? I dunno. personal choice. People put many meanings on marriage. But you asked why the divorce rate is so high...well, it's more socially accepted and readily available.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> The reason to get married would be different from the reason to get a divorce.


she said you didnt need a reason to get a divorce :scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nevermind.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cory275 said:


> you're saying you dont need a reason to get divorced? then why get married? no reason?


Yes, it is legal to get married for no reason.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

cory275 said:


> she said you didnt need a reason to get a divorce :scratchhead:


You do not need a legal reason for divorce.


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

divorce has definately become a business all its own. my mom did family law for the state, but govt budget cuts made things difficult plus personal divorce is much more lucrative...


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I think it's because our society is one that puts emphasis on the easy way out, not on working on things if they become too 'hard' to deal with. I'm not talking about abuse. In that case there is a good reason to be divorced. But otherwise I think people for the most part are looking for the easy fix.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I really believe that I may not quite live long enough to see it, but at some juncture in time, I firmly believe that with the advent of no-fault divorce laws, that a divorce in the future is going to be so much easier to get. Almost to the point that I can see one of the parties filing for one, and notwithstanding the custody of children, or a division of bountiful assets; in time, I could see uncontested divorces being consumated in less than 30 days, from start to finish. I truly think that's the wave of the future! Sad but true!


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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

i guess i can see how divorce is the easy way out.. but when you start dividing assests and families and kids... i dunno how easy that is? "...if you're in a relationship and you break up, where does the love go?"


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I think the divorce rate is so high because it is often viewed as the easy way out... instead of trying to figure out the problems and work on them (often deep rooted within each person) they walk away.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

There are several reasons
1) modern women can be financially independent 
2) modern women have fewer children
3) people in the past were judgemental *******s


I'll give an example. My mom is in her 60s and she has all kinds of stories about the weird retarded crap that went on in the past. She said that when she was kid, people who were pregnant but unmaried were pretty much on the same level of society as drug addicts and rapists. If you were single and pregnant, you literally had to live in a special home until the baby was born just so people wouldn't give you a hard time. It was also assumed that you should put that baby up for adoption. My dad was one of those babies who grew up in foster care. Society really was that horrible, and it was only 60 years ago.
Houses of shame | Life and style | The Guardian

That pure hatred directed at pregnant women was also directed at divorced mothers. How do you tell the difference between a woman who had kids outside of marriage and a woman who had kids while married then got divorced? They both the look the same, so the safe bet is to assume that all unmarried mothers are *****s. 
In that kind of society, it's better to stay married. Even if your marriage really sucks and you want to kill your husband, marriage is still better than the alternative of having the entire community hate you for no reason.

Now that people have better things to do than blame all of society's problems on a small group of people who are not at all related to those problems (ironic statement), it's socially acceptable to get divorced.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

*"they stay in their marriage even if they are unhappy. 
"*

Maybe our divorce rate isn't high.

Perhaps in your country it is too low.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> It's easy to get and available.
> 
> You don't really need a reason...


Yep. We live in a world of instant gratification. Fast food, Movies on Demand, hell even Dominoes Pizza has an app so you can order pizza with 2 or 3 clicks on your Iphone. We have all become Veruca Salt. "Daddy. I want it now!".


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Something that has been inferred but not directly stated is that many people seem to have an unrealistic expectation of marriage. It seems that many younger people (say 18-24, college/post-high school age) seem to equate getting married to getting out of their parents' home and those toxic relationships, only to find a whole new set of problems.

Also, there's no real reason for staying married anymore. Not even for tax purposes. So there's no incentive to work through the problems. Even just a few decades ago, there was an expectation that once you were married, you were married. "Til Death" and all that.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

ShawnD said:


> Now that people have better things to do than blame all of society's problems on a small group of people who are not at all related to those problems (ironic statement), it's socially acceptable to get divorced.


Oh, you mean like how people blame society's problems on the blacks/Irish/Catholics/Commie Reds/Gays/Mexicans/Religious people/Dems/GOP?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> People don't understand how to work out their issues, so they get divorced. Of course that isn't universal. Some get divorced due to infidelity, abuse (emotional and physical), or a handful of other valid reasons.
> 
> Divorce is so easy and common anymore that it is almost like breaking up. We had a few fights and this isn't working. Let's get a divorce. I don't "feel" in love with you anymore. Let's get a divorce. The relationship has run its course. Let's get a divorce.
> 
> When you are unhappy, even slightly, you get divorced rather than trying to work through it. That is how people think now.



You have a point there. Usually it seems that only one person is doing all the work on the marriage. Although both feel like they are doing the work. I've been unhappy for a very long time. After 20 years, we seem so far apart with our goals and dreams it doesn't make sense to stay together. Ask my wife and she will say that she does all the work and she is the one that puts up with my BS. So yes, it has ran its course. I am sad and don't know how to end this.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> When you are unhappy, even slightly, you get divorced rather than trying to work through it. That is how people think now.


When you say "people", I'm assuming you are excluding yourself, right?

I have to say that none of the "people" I know think this way. It makes me wonder why my circle of friends and acquaintances is so different than yours.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People are always on this pursuit of "happiness".

"I'm not happy, I want a divorce."
"This doesn't make me happy, I want a divorce."
"I deserve to be happy, I want a divorce."

holy shet! I can understand if it's an abusive relationship but I've heard people say this and their marriage was fine. A little boring and old, but fine. Just spark it up!

But no. Like last years fashions, the marriage is tossed aside in pursuit of happiness. A happiness hardly ever found because the problem isn't outside forces. The problem lies within. no one wants to fix themselves, they just want to blame someone else.

I,I,I,me,me,me. That doesn't fly in marriage. But too many people let their ego and pride rule them...


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> To me, living unhappy, not enjoying each other isn't living.


yup, I see it similarly Dean. I don't commit easily nor do I give up easily. But I'm unclear on the value of "till death do us part" if what we're talking about is 50 years of hell for both of us and any children involved.

But that's not what was said. What was said was that people generically use divorce as a goto answer. My comment was "none of the people I know."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Why do you think the divorce rate is so high?? *

Because people get married.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In the marriages that I personally know that ended in divorce there was ONE common denominator in ALL of them.

ONE spouse didn't take the committment seriously (meaning they cheated) or they refused to address or work on the problem. They rug swept, ignored it, was blind or just didn't care.

I've said this before and I'll say it again the secret to a long lasting marriage is commitment by BOTH spouses to work at it. Both. Yes there are instances where one spouse can solve marital problems but that usually means the other spouse responded well to the efforts if they didn't it would be over.

Just my .02


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> In the marriages that I personally know that ended in divorce there was ONE common denominator in ALL of them.
> 
> ONE spouse didn't take the committment seriously (meaning they cheated) or they refused to address or work on the problem. They rug swept, ignored it, was blind or just didn't care.


I agree 1000x.

Most divorces are NOT mutual. There is almost always one party who wants to work it out and one person who wants out.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'll be frank

If a country has a very low divorce rate it's very likely due to the fact that freedom is inhibited by culture (like India), national religion (like Muslim countries), or by strict governmental laws (like the Philippines)

The US is (mostly) a free country. So that means we are free to be stupid and make our own dumb choices, like being racist or have an affair. But we are also free to make smart decisions and do what's right for ourselves. If a woman gets battered in the US she can have a divorce. In most of those low divorce rate countries, those woman don't have that option in a true sense and remain trapped.

So do we have too much frivolity? you bet

but it's a worthwhile price to pay


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

American culture promotes selfishness, laziness and immediate satisfaction. That spills over into expectations and commitment in marriage. A child that is never taught to endure hardships to get what they want, to work hard for something, to understand that there is more to life than your own immediate wants and desires, and that sometimes you need to have patience for a later payoff. Those children are todays adults. Add to the fact that divorce trends are often cumulative - you grew up watching many adults get divorced and don't know what a successful long term marraige looks like - you learn that divorce is a norm, socially acceptable and not a big deal. You don't even understand how to navigate a real long term marriage because the only reference you have are movies that portray rainbows and butterflies, so you think that if you don't constantly feel that way your narraige must be destined to fail. A culture that does not value marriage is one with a higher divorce rate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Our culture is undeniably anti-marriage. It's not clear to me why the divorce rate is not higher. Why get married at all? Divorce is down (due to the recession) but family formation is at an all time low. Over 40 percent of children are born into single parent households. Less than half the other kids in any of my kids' schools lives with both their natural parents.

Family court has a legacy gender bias. The wide perception of this can lead women to try to get advantage in marital disagreements by threatening to subject their husbands to an biased legal process. Unfortunately, there are a lot of ways this can backfire once spouses start threatening each other with divorce


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

Women are financially independent. That means they don't have to stick around and be abused or cheated on.

On the flip side because women are financially independent, they are free to engage in a lot of the same selfish, sh!!ty behavior men have been guilty of in the past and know that if the marriage ends they will not be destitute or broke. 

The $$ incentive to behave better then us is gone, hence the increased divorce rate. 
Now *BOTH* genders act like a-holes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We live too long. When people croaked at 35, 'till death do ya part' was do-able. 80? 85? Just stab me in the throat.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cory275 said:


> My hubs and I joke a lot about why divorce is so common especially amongst Americans. In my hub's country they rarely divorce.. they stay in their marriage even if they are unhappy.
> 
> I think technology plays a big factor...think how much harder it would be to cheat without the internet! its so easy to reconnect with old flames through facebook and google +... does anyone else have any thoughts?


Personally I would much rather live here in the good old USA -even with all the corrupt values swimming around me and have the opportunity to divorce if I found myself in a situation where I was miserable. 

I feel immaturity, incompatibility, the casualness of sex, the unwillingness to share all with our partners... people treasure their secret lives it seems (so many years of this while dating- it becomes a lifestyle)....and just plain not taking enough sweet time to FULLY get & grow to know the other, all their flaws, the good, the bad and the ugly...not missing those red flags...to see if they are truly "compatible" with who we are. Not getting blinded by lust too soon... or the love of money.... or "settle"- cause all thier friends are getting hitched. 

I feel if you have communication issues, sex problems, financial differences, even housekeeping woes, dreams & goals at odds, love languages off, marraige will surely be an uphill climb to make it work.... some just get so tired.

Because even the best of people... we are all a little selfish (ain't a one of us truly selfless)... we want what we want ...just cause we meet someone doesn't mean our own lusts, dreams & goals change....so we need to find another on the same page- who has similar selfish desires as us... who loves us the way we feel loved, supports our dreams, can overlook our flaws -cause to them, it may not be so bad, but to the next guy/girl... could be a deal breaker. 

KNOWING each other fully, vulnerably, imperfections & all... and still feeling like we can't live without them...and knowing ourselves ...what we deeply want out of life.....before we walk down the aisle... this is wisdom...and I feel there would be less divorces.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

You know why people lie on resumes? Because employers lie about the job description. 

Same thing with marriage. People are just not being honest anymore with each other while dating for fear of being cut off from sex, companionship, money, etc. I myself was guilty of this. I was so enthralled by the sex and companionship that I ignored how incompatible we were. 

There is also a narcissistic disorder epidemic in today's society.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do so many people get married is what I want to know. All over the world people don't get married for the most part, except in Asia, as much as they do in the US.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

kag123 said:


> American culture promotes selfishness, laziness and immediate satisfaction. That spills over into expectations and commitment in marriage. A child that is never taught to endure hardships to get what they want, to work hard for something, to understand that there is more to life than your own immediate wants and desires, and that sometimes you need to have patience for a later payoff. Those children are todays adults. Add to the fact that divorce trends are often cumulative - you grew up watching many adults get divorced and don't know what a successful long term marraige looks like - you learn that divorce is a norm, socially acceptable and not a big deal. You don't even understand how to navigate a real long term marriage because the only reference you have are movies that portray rainbows and butterflies, so you think that if you don't constantly feel that way your narraige must be destined to fail. A culture that does not value marriage is one with a higher divorce rate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I agree, but it's not always the case.

My mother was raised in the 50s by parents who worked hard to build up their "empire" lolll. She was taught the value of a dollar and worked 2 jobs to buy her own condo (alone) at 22.

She was divorced 3 times. Why? Well, she had some issues, but I also think, like you, it's because we fill our kids' heads with this notion of love that doesn't exist. We sit our little girls in front of Disney movies and everyone lives "happily ever after" just because they "love" each other. hell, most of the princesses didn't even KNOW the prince before they were married. They were just "in love". What a crock :rofl:

In my early 20s, i realized the bull that had been shoved down my throat about love and since I didn't have parents who worked through their issues, and stayed together, I went from guy to guy because I just "wasn't happy" any longer.

Again, what a crock. Granted, many relationships while dating should be called off because that's point of dating, right?

We teach love and feeling good but we don't teach commitment, you are right. 

We teach love and all that stuff, but we don't teach marriage.


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

The reason for so many divorces seems plenty. many people get married to the wrong person or for the wrong reason. Or they are not in their own right place.

It's tough to find the right one at the right time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I agree with a lot of what's been said here.

One other thing I think that contributes to high divorce rate is lack of quality premartial counseling. IMO too many people walk into marriage w/o knowing answers to a lot of these basic questions:

1. Financial -- how to spend/invest money, trips, savings, home, etc.
2. Children -- how many, adopt or not, what about infertility
3. Child rearing -- spanking or no, what morals to teach them, etc.
4. Housing -- where to live, when to invest in a home or not
5. Location -- do you two want to stay in current area or not, for how long?
6. Sex -- orientation (bi?), desire/passion, drive, frequency, fetishes, etc.
7. Family members -- what changes if parents/family get sick/die
8. Religion -- so many issues here
9. Values

The list goes on and on, but often times couples come together without many of these basic issues addressed at all. Some of these things you don't want to just "wing it" in a marriage and hope for the best.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll be frank
> 
> If a country has a very low divorce rate it's very likely due to the fact that freedom is inhibited by culture (like India), national religion (like Muslim countries), or by strict governmental laws (like the Philippines)
> 
> ...


Women's freedom is a huge reason why the divorce is very high people who complain that "Morality is gone" are just delusional beyond belief. I have no idea where to begin with these people and i am a christian who uses science to argue the belief of god! 
I always chuckle a little when someone tries to imply that America is so backwards and the rest of the world is so much "Morally" right :lol:.. People have no idea how marriages work in other countries or how truly bad the world is and corrupt. The vast majority of countries in the world excluding countries in EU and a few others are and give women very little rights and thus abuse, cheating, any type of actions that say husband does means nothing as she has no right to divorce. Oh and given the social differences and the way society is structured women are often very very controlled or do not enjoy much freedom on many many levels. In some countries a woman who is raped in marriage has no rights, a woman who is beat cant do anything to stop it the law does not care, in some countries you do not get in trouble for raping a woman. 

Now i am not saying or implying the United States is the best but given the demographics and diversity and how the country is so not homogeneous its only natural to expect a high divorce rate. Combine that with our federalist republic democracy and enjoyable gini coefficient and other standards as well as civil liberties, civil rights, and social tolerance and a huge promotion of political correctness. With that being said the divorce rate has been dropping for a number of reason's and the divorce rate among college educated people within the same social class is at an all time low.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

We live in a throw away society...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> There are several reasons
> 1) modern women can be financially independent
> 2) modern women have fewer children
> 3) people in the past were judgemental *******s
> ...


^^ This



Almostrecovered said:


> I'll be frank
> 
> If a country has a very low divorce rate it's very likely due to the fact that freedom is inhibited by culture (like India), national religion (like Muslim countries), or by strict governmental laws (like the Philippines)
> 
> ...


^^ This


Oh and 


1) Most people marrying are truly not compatible with each other.
2) People are rushing into marriages
3) Economic reasons - Poor people divorce at a higher rate, Causes stress among other problems
4) Most people (this goes for the entire world imo) are corrupted and selfish and incapable of a consummate love and honesty and loyalty. And yes i realize i have a cynical view on people and the world but i have such a reason for good reason and most of the time i am happy and optimistic about things.



Oh and most people are divorcing for Infidelity, Abuse, Fighting on both parts. Despite what people say and LIE about most people are NOT DIVORCING because of FINANCIAL reasons or "no longer in love". I also realize #3 of what i said might seem to contradict this but people are more likely to remain in a unhappy marriage if they are financially secure hell more people are estranged who are financially secure vs the poor.


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## onehotmama (Apr 13, 2012)

I feel that unless there is abuse, a marriage should be given 100% effort by both parties before resorting to divorce. I think the sanctity of marriage has disappeared in today's society. The vow you make at the altar should not be taken lightly, and I believe that almost any issue can be resolved. Sometimes life deals you a bad hand, but you should be able to trust in your spouse to love you unconditionally and work through it with you. That being said, my parents have been married 30 years, and both sets of grandparents 50+ years. I am currently an unwilling participant in a divorce, and my husband comes from a broken home that was caused by infidelity. He also refuses any attempt at salvaging our marriage and prefers to quit cold turkey because the going got tough. Maybe it's how you were raised?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Unless married people are held accountable to their vows, divorce rates will rise. 

Divorce should not be easy and without consequences. Divorce should never ever be a "no-fault" case. There is ALWAYS one selfish idiot who fails to stay committed to her/his vows and ruins the most significant legal, emotional and moral bind in a human's lifetime.

Every abuser should be deprived from having the right to legally marry another person.

Every cheater should lose all their marital rights.

Every asswh!pe who leaves a marriage for being "unhappy" should have a criminal record and be forbidden to marry for a decade or two.

Marriage has become a joke. It's a crazy financial/emotional risk for the well-to-do citizen. In a few decades no intelligent, independent and self-valuing soul will take such a stupid risk.

Why is it so easy for morally crippled people to ruin others' lives? Who benefits from this?

Of course, it's well known that 2 people working as "singles" rather than a "married couple" are considered more productive and cheaper to maintain in the corporate world. They also generate more tax revenue and spend more carelessly.

The family unit has lost its meaning. There are morons who believe divorcing their spouse will have little to no negative effect on their children's lives! Some of them proudly advocate such beliefs here on TAM!


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Our culture is undeniably anti-marriage.


More like it's pro-marriage, and people forget that it's a relationship.

You can see this all around you. Women are told since the day they're born that getting married is this magical thing and you get to dress up like a princess and it's so super awesome omg you must have one!! Who you have it with? Eh, who cares. Men are all the same so just grab a random one, get marriage party you always wanted, get divorced, then do it all over again.

Pop culture today always seems to paint a strange 1 sided version as well. In any movie, advertisement, or TV show, it's always a woman wanting to get married and a man who is hesitant about it. That somehow became the accepted standard even though it has historically been the other way around (the male is the one fighting to win the female, and this applies to most animal species). 

There is just too much emphasis on the marriage side and not enough on the fact that it's supposed to be a relationship between two people. My gf and I get along great and we have no plan to get married at this point. Two of our friends are in a relationship that is wildly unstable that involves breaking up and getting back together every 5 minutes, and they're talking about marriage. Why are they focusing their attention on marriage? Their problem isn't caused by being unmarried. Their problem is that they have a terrible relationship, but that seems to get skipped over.
My brother had a similar situation with this crazy BPD girlfriend. Instead of focusing on how bad their relationship was, she was focused on how they need to get married right away. If they did end up getting married, they would have been divorced within a couple years because they skipped that part about liking each other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sanity said:


> You know why people lie on resumes? Because employers lie about the job description.
> 
> Same thing with marriage. People are just not being honest anymore with each other while dating for fear of being cut off from sex, companionship, money, etc. I myself was guilty of this. I was so enthralled by the sex and companionship that I ignored how incompatible we were.


I have never lied on a resume, neither has my husband, my son was so honest on one of his Applications for Crusaders for Christ - where he would have been better off fibbing (it was for a Worship Leader Position) they asked if he had any issues with Porn... the anwers to choose from was :

1. Yes
2. No 
3. Ask me 

What did he choose... ASK ME ! GOd I love him, but I am pretty sure he did't get the position cause he had that hang up -and admitted it --but yet.. is there any better way to be !!

Absolutely not . *I highly respect the honest*. 

Why are people so afraid to be REAL... Blows my mind. 

My one gf has this new boyfriend, sat near him at the band concert last night.. with our kids... this guy is such a freaking story teller, I swear he would have had to of lived 5 lifetimes to have experiened all the BS stories that he tells. I am not exactly going to sit there & tell him he is lying to me....but da gone it, me & my husband had the biggest laugh last night over his outrageous stories ... I just don't get it, shaking my head. He just says to me with a smile.. . but they are good stories. 

I'm like... "I don't care"- it is like the little boy who cried wolf, you never know when to take it seriously, there is nothing to hold on too. 

If I was dating that guy, I'd tell him to his face... I don't believe you! I bet that would go over well. Since he is just a friend, I'll grin and bare it.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

people are too selfish


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

cory275 said:


> My hubs and I joke a lot about why divorce is so common especially amongst Americans. In my hub's country they rarely divorce.. they stay in their marriage even if they are unhappy.
> 
> I think technology plays a big factor...think how much harder it would be to cheat without the internet! its so easy to reconnect with old flames through facebook and google +... does anyone else have any thoughts?


I think the divorce rate is so high these days because humanity is not now nor ever has been a naturally monogamous species.

In this day and age divorce doesn`t hold the cultural societal taboo it used to so people are more willing to divorce.

I`m someone who was living, loving, and dating before the net became mainstream...trust me, cheating is just as easy with or without the internet.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Unless married people are held accountable to their vows, divorce rates will rise.
> 
> Divorce should not be easy and without consequences. Divorce should never ever be a "no-fault" case. There is ALWAYS one selfish idiot who fails to stay committed to her/his vows and ruins the most significant legal, emotional and moral bind in a human's lifetime.
> 
> ...


Thank god you`re not running the show.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

reset button said:


> people are too selfish


We live in a "fast food" and "disposable" society... gratification at our finger tips. It has become the norm, expected..some feel entitled even. 

Everybody wants everything NOW....and thinks they can pay LATER. Without the hard planning and sacrifice it takes to "build" a successful future. It is a credit card society, living on borrowed money. .... This is not wise and it causes so much stress, everyone is trying to keep up with every one else. 

Sometimes it may be better to start off slower & just not give up...keep that goal in mine...kinda like the "turtoise and the hare" story.










Sometimes you can win the race in marriage - by keeping your nose to the grindstone and plodding along (like the tortoise)...over being an egotistical jerk -who lays down in the middle of a race feeling nothing can go wrong, his life is set. Maybe that is a dumb analogy but ...even though the tortorise was slower, poorer, he used the best of his ability ...we need to use what we have and never lay down ...feeling it can't happen to us. 



> Originally Posted by *synthetic*: Every cheater should lose all their marital rights.
> 
> Every asswh!pe who leaves a marriage for being "unhappy" should have a criminal record and be forbidden to marry for a decade or two.
> 
> ...


I am assuming synthetic -you have been BURNED and burned badly :FIREdevil::FIREdevil:... and you were or feel the more Responsible / more Honorable (who didn't deserve it) in that burning. 

I wouldn't blame you for your anger in this, if this is the case. Although I would not want to live in such a society ....Oh my NO! This is what it would be like in some 3rd world countries, some of those people have no inkling what happiness is...they just survive every day, they make the best of what has been handed to them. Although we are SPOILED ROTTEN here , it is still a better model because there is PURE freedom.

Freedom to love = a superior love than being caged and prisoned within a marraige. At least I surely feel so! 

I do not always feel (in every single instance)...the cheater is the slime bucket- while the other is totally innocent..... what if he was a GOOD man, who married a COLD heartless prude who imprisoned him in a sexless marraige, what if she could suck 50%of his life earings, while he worked & she stayed home, didn't keep the house....and he is the one who looses the kids, looses the house. WHy is this OK.. even if he did fall one time -in desperation with a woman who gave him some affection ? 

Sorry, but I think the wife would be even more to blame in such a marraige for it's failure....nothing is ever all that black and white. 

Every situation is so vastly different, I can see why the Courts don't want involved. 

Although I do agree with you, the value of family & traditonal values has greatly declined. Me personally, I am pretty old fashioned.... it is not the norm today.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

I'm going to go against the tide here and give an entirely different reason. I think it's because many of us get married to people we are not truly, madly, deeply in love with. We do this for many reasons: stupidity, desperation, loneliness, carelessness, to escape poverty and so on. When the goings gets tough, being able to the think back to that time when your spouse was the most wonderful person on the whole planet is what gets you through. If all you can remember is that you settled for them for some other reason, even if you loved them to some reasonable extent, that's when the trouble starts.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Every asswh!pe who leaves a marriage for being "unhappy" should have a criminal record and be forbidden to marry for a decade or two.


Not that I think anyone should leave a marriage lightly, but do you really believe that people should live out their entire lives in misery rather than divorce?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the divorce rate is high because most people are inherently selfish.

because in todays society men and women don't NEED eachother like in the past.and because family vaules are at an all time low.

you hear don't stay for the kids you will just teach them how to be in an unloving relationship. Well let me tell you divorce f**ks up kids bad I coached baseball for years and I can tell you one year the kid is great well adjusted thriving best ball player and after the divorce they become withdrawn,angry,and pretty soon quit doing things. I've seen it many times. then later when they are grown and I see them they are less sucessfull maybe even turned to drugs and alcohol. Unless there is abuse or something severe then my vote is to keep the family unit together for the good of all. I have also seen poor marriages turn aroud after the kids get older and less stressfull.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Thank god you`re not running the show.


While synthetic's consequences are obviously harsh he is right about several things. This "I'm not happy" stuff is ridiculous. To me that just says the marriage has issues and I don't want to work on it. People who abuse their spouses should suffer some type of real consequences for their actions. I've seen too many battered women who suffer emotional problems for years due to an abusive husband's actions. And people who cheat in a marriage should be held accountable for their actions also. I think part of the problem is a no-fault divorce. If infidelity is the cause for the divorce the WS should be "outed" in some way. Maybe if this happened disgusting sites like ****** ******* would mercifully go out of business because people wouldn't take the chance.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

grenville said:


> I'm going to go against the tide here and give an entirely different reason. I think it's because many of us get married to people we are not truly, madly, deeply in love with. We do this for many reasons: stupidity, desperation, loneliness, carelessness, to escape poverty and so on. When the goings gets tough, being able to the think back to that time when your spouse was the most wonderful person on the whole planet is what gets you through. If all you can remember is that you settled for them for some other reason, even if you loved them to some reasonable extent, that's when the trouble starts.


If THIS is going against a tide, then I am crazy, I totally agree, many many "settle"...and live to regret, what was overlooked early on.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If THIS is going against a tide, then I am crazy, I totally agree, many many "settle"...and live to regret, what was overlooked early on.


Its a frame of mind an attitude that makes the difference. some people are realist and some are dreamers. the realist thinks and feel more practical and can look at the positives but the dreamer keep hoping for utiopa. which is impossible so they feel unhappy. the realist can be happy in an average and the dreamer can't because their expacations are too high.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Passion is a must. But passion shouldn't be the only reason why people get married.

I was madly and passionately in love with someone 12 years ago. It was intense.

We would have been divorced by now (probably the first 2 years).


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

cory275 said:


> My hubs and I joke a lot about why divorce is so common especially amongst Americans. In my hub's country they rarely divorce.. they stay in their marriage even if they are unhappy.
> 
> I think technology plays a big factor...think how much harder it would be to cheat without the internet! its so easy to reconnect with old flames through facebook and google +... does anyone else have any thoughts?


Why? Simply because it is EASY to accomplish. All you need, in most cases, is a judge two attorneys and two people who can't stand to be around each other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

chillymorn said:


> Its a frame of mind an attitude that makes the difference. some people are realist and some are dreamers. the realist thinks and feel more practical and can look at the positives but the dreamer keep hoping for utiopa. which is impossible so they feel unhappy. the realist can be happy in an average and the dreamer can't because their expacations are too high.


 My expectations have always been high in certain areas, but my areas are very different than the average womans... I am out of the box. They are not untouchable goals by any means. 

I am a pathetic tried & true knock down common sense REALIST.... "dreamers" accually get on my nerves.... I know some... I don't think there is anything sadder than getting your hopes up for something that is impossible to achieve or accomplish in this life. That would accually piss me off. 

In this way, I am very grounded. My husband is also a Realist to his very core. I wouldn't want any other type... but he must be Romantic.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> Its a frame of mind an attitude that makes the difference. some people are realist and some are dreamers. the realist thinks and feel more practical and can look at the positives but the dreamer keep hoping for utiopa. which is impossible so they feel unhappy. the realist can be happy in an average and the dreamer can't because their expacations are too high.


I half agree with this. I think you're right about the dreamer never being happy for the long run due to unreasonable expectations of a never ending state of romantic love. But I don't agree with your implication (maybe I've misinterpretted you though, so please correct me if I'm wrong) that the realist can be happy even with a relationship that was only ever mediocre. Rather, I think the realist can take that amazing first flush of love and sustain a long term relationship by understanding that its nature will change over time.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am a pathetic tried & true knock down common sense REALIST.... "dreamers" accually get on my nerves.... I know some... I don't think there is anything sadder than getting your hopes up for something that is impossible to achieve or accomplish in this life. That would accually piss me off.


It seems like a majority of people are dreamers when it comes to dating relationships. All of a person's friends and family are a certain way, but they expect their marriage to be different because it's _magic_.
Relentlessly hassling a friend to hang out = bad
Relentlessly hassling your boyfriend to hang out = good because it's _magic_

I see this a lot. A person can have a big group of friends and he treats them a certain way, but he treats his girlfriend different. When that relationship fails, he's totally shocked that it failed and he doesn't know why it failed.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

One thing I think people loose track of as well in today's disposable marriage mentality is what they will give up in their twilight years (which with medicine these days lasts a long time).

I look forward to growing old with my wife. I want a woman who knows me through and through, and accepts me for who I am. I want to be in love with someone I accept through and through.

I want to enjoy grandchildren with her, and if we should be so lucky great grandchildren.

Maybe I'm alone in this line of thinking, but I think commitment leads to that part of your life being all the more sweet. I know many couples that divorced and often times one or the other feels alienated from the grandchildren, or when big events in their life come up there's enough tension in the room to be able to cut it with a chainsaw.


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