# Dating during separation



## inabind (Jan 21, 2020)

Just a quick question...My SO and I have been separated for a little over 3 months. No real discussions about divorce but we are not on everyday speaking terms. 
What are your thoughts on me asking if they are dating? I haven’t brought it up but it does cross my mind. Also there are children involved with 50/50 custody.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

inabind said:


> Just a quick question...My SO and I have been separated for a little over 3 months. No real discussions about divorce but we are not on everyday speaking terms.
> What are your thoughts on me asking if they are dating? I haven’t brought it up but it does cross my mind. Also there are children involved with 50/50 custody.


*I wouldn't necessarily be "dating" while still technically married ~ that fact can be used against one by some self-righteous family court judge, more especially in a custody or child support hearing! *


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I wouldn’t ask. Just do what you feel is right. I have just started dating during my IHS and it’s personally been the best therapy for me. Others may have a different view. Just be careful not to break the heart of an innocent bystander. That’s not cool.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

inabind said:


> Just a quick question...My SO and I have been separated for a little over 3 months. No real discussions about divorce but we are not on everyday speaking terms.
> What are your thoughts on me asking if they are dating? I haven’t brought it up but it does cross my mind. Also there are children involved with 50/50 custody.


Probably best to resolve one relationship before you move onto the next, especially with the added complexity of having children involved.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> I wouldn’t ask. Just do what you feel is right. I have just started dating during my IHS and it’s personally been the best therapy for me. Others may have a different view. Just be careful not to break the heart of an innocent bystander. That’s not cool.


It appears they might not be legally separated though, since it was mentioned there was no talk of divorce. Within that context, dating doesn't seem appropriate to me, since it hasn't been decided if divorce is a certainty or even likely at this point. Dating would be a direct violation of the marriage vows, in my opinion. This assumes we're not talking about an open marriage.


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## inabind (Jan 21, 2020)

Thanks for your replies. I’m not dating. I am inquiring if I should ask my spouse if they are.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

inabind said:


> Thanks for your replies. I’m not dating. I am inquiring if I should ask my spouse if they are.


My recommendation here instead would be to ask them if they even want the relationship to continue at all. After 3 months, you should both be able probably to call the ball.

If there's no relationship to continue, then it's not really your business. If you both want it to continue, then it's a fair question. But I'd want to prioritize resolving the relationship status first.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Has something changed or have you heard things that make you think s/he is dating?

I agree with waiting until you are done with your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many people do use separation to try out someone new. Their thinking presumably is that if it works, great. If not, they’ll try for a reconciliation. She may or may not be one of those. You can ask her but that doesn’t mean you’ll get an honest answer.


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