# Finding someone and being happy or staying married for the kids.



## AlexBle22 (Aug 31, 2020)

Hello Everyone, 

New to the forum. I'll will try to get give some background...

I was married for a couple of years. We had a son and my wife at the time decided she didn't want to be a mother and she gave me full custody when he was one and she moved out of state. I became the sole parent and raised him. 

About three years later I decided to give dating another chance. I met someone and we dated for two years then ended up getting married. During the dating phase I tried to be careful and make sure we were compatible. We both liked going to dinner, having wine, she was active and so was I, and we were both clean in general when it came to cars and keeping the house in order. After we dated for two years I proposed and we got married. We had a daughter together along with raising my son from my previous marriage. 

Things changed...
We have been married for about five years and after the first couple of years we stopped doing what attracted me to her. No more wine nights or even having a glass at home together. She became extremely messy and stopped exercising. She's in bed right after the kids which I understand she's probably tired from work. I'm not sure if she was always like this but there were no signs and she's always stressing and is worrying all the time around things outside our control like the news. When we dated we would have sex at least once a week. After got married it would easily go to a month. I have even tried to talking to her about. Every time we talk about it, she's says "it hasn't been that long has it" Sometimes we go for up to 2 months without sex. I've expressed to her that even once every couple of weeks would be nice. I know she's not cheating or talking to anyone else but I've stopped trying and excepted it. This has been happening for about three years now and I've dealt with it for the kids. The no sex, messiness which I totally understand with kids but I'm always cleaning and picking up after everyone without any help and I'm not happy. I've tried talking to her and we are two totally different people. We are like roommates. Even in bed she sleeps on the corner on her side and there is no contact. 

My delimma...
My wife is great with the kids and we have a nice house and are comfortable with finances. My son from my first marriage views her as mother figure. I'm not happy at all. I have a female friend that I'm known for a year and we have connected. She's pretty much identical to my personality when it comes to everything I like and we haven't forced anything but it shows there is someone out for me similar to me. 

My concern is because of the kids's ages I feel like this will be a traumatizing situation for them if I was to leave her. I feel like we will be able to split custody and everything like adults. She is a very fair I feel when it comes to those things. 

Do I stay married unhappy with my wife till the kids go to college by then I'll be older in my 50's or do I take a chance and try to be happy? Do I uproot my comfortable life style and then try to find a place close to the kid's schools. I'm torn because of things and how good they are for the kids. I've also thought about seeing a marriage counselor on my own for advice.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Did these changes happen after she had your daughter? 

Also, cut off the friend. That is just asking for trouble and won't help this situation AT ALL. If you were happy once, you can be happy again... if you both want that.


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## AlexBle22 (Aug 31, 2020)

bobert said:


> Did these changes happen after she had your daughter?
> 
> Also, cut off the friend. That is just asking for trouble and won't help this situation AT ALL. If you were happy once, you can be happy again... if you both want that.


Honestly I can't remember. It was most noticeable after she had our daughter but that has been well over five years ago.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AlexBle22 said:


> Honestly I can't remember. It was most noticeable after she had our daughter but that has been well over five years ago.


Do you think she could have untreated depression? 

Also, don't ignore what I said about the friend. Seriously.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AlexBle22 said:


> I'm not happy at all. I have a female friend that I'm known for a year and we have connected. She's pretty much identical to my personality when it comes to everything I like and we haven't forced anything but it shows there is someone out for me similar to me.


Here's the thing: You thought your wife was a great fit when you two were dating. Now you're looking at another woman as being a possible good fit too. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Doesn't mean it's actually true.

Either fix your marriage or divorce. Then if you want to go out with the other woman, fine. But as long as you're married, don't go down the path your considering.


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## AlexBle22 (Aug 31, 2020)

bobert said:


> Do you think she could have untreated depression?
> 
> Also, don't ignore what I said about the friend. Seriously.


I'm not sure, she seems fine and functions fine. She meets with friends and is overall friendly with everyone. I don't notice anything.


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## AlexBle22 (Aug 31, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Here's the thing: You thought your wife was a great fit when you two were dating. Now you're looking at another woman as being a possible good fit too. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Doesn't mean it's actually true.
> 
> Either fix your marriage or divorce. Then if you want to go out with the other woman, fine. But as long as you're married, don't go down the path your considering.


You're absolutely right about the grass always looking greener on the other side but it not being true.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AlexBle22 said:


> I don't notice anything.


Really? Look at all the things that have changed. No more wine nights (withdrawing), she stopped exercising (lack of self-care), she stopped cleaning (low motivation), she lost her sex drive (very common with depression), etc.


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## AlexBle22 (Aug 31, 2020)

bobert said:


> Really? Look at all the things that have changed. No more wine nights (withdrawing), she stopped exercising (lack of self-care), she stopped cleaning (low motivation), she lost her sex drive (very common with depression), etc.


I guess I don't know much about depression and how it affects people so I didn't notice the signs.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

AlexBle22 said:


> I guess I don't know much about depression and how it affects people so I didn't notice the signs.


That's okay, a lot of people don't know what most mental illnesses look like. I'm not saying she's for sure depressed, there is no way for me to know that, but I'd recommend reading about depression and seeing if it "fits". Losing interest in things once enjoyed, loss of sex life, fatigue, lack of self/home care, etc. are all signs. It's also treatable, if she wants it to be.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

She this and she that and blah blah blah and I'm not happy.

You haven't thought that you could marry 10 women who seem "compatible" and "identical to my personality ." It won't matter. The results will be the same. Thus, numbers 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.

You're at the point of wanting to end a second marriage. And this third one coming up seems mostly a matter of your libido. But, it's time you look at yourself as the problem and not these women. The first one didn't leave her son. Motherhood is hard as hell and harder for some. But she wouldn't have left her son unless she also wanted to leave you. This second one has also left you. She just didn't move out. The soon-to-be third one will leave you too and give it some reason or another.

It's too hard for me to believe that women leave what they like. If marriage is good and sex is good, then a woman is generally happy. Some women marry just so they can be married. I don't now why. Maybe it's a psychological thing, maybe it's family or societal pressure. I have no idea. I only know there are some women who say yes and convince themselves they really mean it. Even if they love the guy, they convince themselves they can live with whatever it is they don't like but then find it too hard to live with after a while. What I'm sure of is if they love the man and he's a pleasant fellow, good in bed, and doesn't smell (LOL), then there isn't much to dislike, so they have no reason to want to leave or turn themselves away.

It appears your wife is as unhappy as you are. She just hasn't said it. Maybe neither of you spoke to each of your unhappiness, and maybe she's on some internet forum doing her own complaining just like you are. She sleeps as far away from you as the mattress will permit, and there's some reason for that. She doesn't do any house work anymore, and there's some reason for that. Could be any number of reasons, such as depression, medication she's taking (or in need of), out-of-whack hormones, something to do with you, almost anything.

Before you begin a revolving door of wives, look at yourself to figure out if there's a problem with you. Go to counseling for yourself, and then start marriage counseling after you've made some progress. Make an effort to address and fix whatever the problem may be because whatever it is, each subsequent marriage is going to have the same problem, and you are the only one in each of them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Your poor little boy has already had one parent leave him, and now you want to make it two. Dont kid yourself that they will be ok because you will still see them, they will still feel abandoned. I have no idea how any parent can leave their children. I could no more do it than fly.
Dont even think of leaving them for another woman. Focus all of your energies on being a good husband and good dad. You made promises and you have responsibilities. Get some good Marriage counseling and work on the marriage together. Cut off all contact with the OW.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

> The first one didn't leave her son. Motherhood is hard as hell and harder for some. But she wouldn't have left her son unless she also wanted to leave you.


This is a load of crap. It doesn't even make sense. 

The first wife _abandoned _her son. Even if the OP was the worst husband in the world most women would NOT do that! She might divorce him, but she would also get her child the hell out of there as well! It is not fair to say the OP must be a horrible husband because his first wife had serious personal issues.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I implore you OP, do everything you can to save your marriage. You should know that divorce isn't the solution, you've been through it once. 

I'm reading a book called 'Primal Loss', spoken by adults who's parents divorced when they were kids and it's absolutely heartbreaking. Our society is so immune to divorce, and it's time we shook things up and saw it for what it is - awful. Families are broken. Children are broken. Divorce is absolutely devastating for children and that trauma affects them for the rest of their lives. 

At least read the book before you decide (ignore the Catholic god crap, just focus on the words of the kids (now adults).

*Of course in cases of violence or abuse, divorce is the only option, but that's not the case here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You really had me in your corner until you mentioned another woman. That’s just bullcrap. Dump the friend NOW. 

You need to have a come to Jesus with your wife and get it through her head that something has to change or you are done with the marriage. I think shes depressed and she needs a wake up call to get herself some help. You claim that you can’t remember if she was like this before or after the baby was born, but I find that hard to believe. Have you really paid so little attention to her that you can’t remember this one simple fact? 

How did you treat your wife on a day-to-day basis before she changed? Did the two of you spend quality time together? Were you physically affectionate with her? Did you respect her opinions and listen to her when she talked? Were you complementary or critical regarding her appearance? I am asking these questions because I have been where your wife is, and I can tell you that it happened over time due to the way that I was being treated. He was negative, he was critical, he angered easily, he didn’t pay attention to any of my needs at all. And the worse he got, the more I withdrew and the less and less I was attracted to him. I eventually left. 

These are important questions. And let me tell you again that you need to dump your lady friend. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

bobert said:


> This is a load of crap. It doesn't even make sense.
> 
> The first wife _abandoned _her son. Even if the OP was the worst husband in the world most women would NOT do that! She might divorce him, but she would also get her child the hell out of there as well! It is not fair to say the OP must be a horrible husband because his first wife had serious personal issues.


That you didn't like what I said doesn't make it a load of crap because it's not a load of crap.If it didn't make sense to you, then that's your problem and doesn't render my post senseless. Please consider a reading comprehension course to help you with that. There are lots of women who *don't like being a mother* or *regret having kids* and don't abandon the marriage and kids because of it. I stand by my meaning that a woman wouldn't leave if she is happy in her marriage. I don't believe a man would leave a happy marriage either, for that matter, even if he didn't like being a father, and there are *plenty of them* too. What doesn't make sense is you insinuating that everyone who doesn't like being a parent are all sick in the head. Maybe you can speak on what a man would or wouldn't do because I'm speaking from a woman's perspective, and you have nothing to dispute about what I said. His first wife didn't like being a mother, so yes of course she abandoned her son, but would not have left if she was happy in her marriage.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

StarFires said:


> .If it didn't make sense to you, then that's your problem and doesn't render my post senseless. Please consider a reading comprehension course to help you with that.


You feeling attacked when _anyone _disagrees with you, that's your problem. You feeling the need to be snarky to _anyone _who disagrees with you, that's your problem. Please consider working on that. 



> There are lots of women who *don't like being a mother* or *regret having kids* and don't abandon the marriage and kids because of it.


Yep, you're right. There are plenty of people who regret having kids but don't abandon their kids... because they are not "sick in the head". 



> What doesn't make sense is you insinuating that everyone who doesn't like being a parent are all sick in the head.


I didn't say, or insinuate, that everyone who hates being a parent is mentally ill. I was specifically talking about people who walk out and abandon their kids.



> His first wife didn't like being a mother, so yes of course she abandoned her son, but would not have left if she was happy in her marriage.


Nope. Someone who is so troubled that they would walk out on their child wouldn't be happy in any relationship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

StarFires said:


> That you didn't like what I said doesn't make it a load of crap because it's not a load of crap.If it didn't make sense to you, then that's your problem and doesn't render my post senseless. Please consider a reading comprehension course to help you with that. There are lots of women who *don't like being a mother* or *regret having kids* and don't abandon the marriage and kids because of it. I stand by my meaning that a woman wouldn't leave if she is happy in her marriage. I don't believe a man would leave a happy marriage either, for that matter, even if he didn't like being a father, and there are *plenty of them* too. What doesn't make sense is you insinuating that everyone who doesn't like being a parent are all sick in the head. Maybe you can speak on what a man would or wouldn't do because I'm speaking from a woman's perspective, and you have nothing to dispute about what I said. His first wife didn't like being a mother, so yes of course she abandoned her son, but would not have left if she was happy in her marriage.


Why do you say every guy that post on TAM is the worst husband/boyfriend ever? Talk about issues.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Alex I would suggest marriage counseling to see what is going on.

This can be fixed if BOTH of you work at it.

My best friend in the service married a girl that sounds just like your wife. They ended up getting a divorce after a year of counseling. She also gave up custody of the kids because she didn’t want to be bothered by then.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

bobert said:


> You feeling attacked when _anyone _disagrees with you, that's your problem. You feeling the need to be snarky to _anyone _who disagrees with you, that's your problem. Please consider working on that.


Really? This.....



bobert said:


> *This is a load of crap. It doesn't even make sense.*
> 
> The first wife _abandoned _her son. Even if the OP was the worst husband in the world most women would NOT do that! She might divorce him, but she would also get her child the hell out of there as well! It is not fair to say the OP must be a horrible husband because his first wife had serious personal issues.


.....*IS* an attack. You're not going to address me however you want and then act like you didn't just because I don't lay down and take it from you.

I didn't bother reading any more of your nonsense knowing that's all it is and doesn't matter anyway. His current wife can't stand the thought of him touching her and sleeps as far away as she can and goes to bed right after the kids to make sure he doesn't get any ideas. That's saying plenty for herself and for his first wife, who would not have left her marriage if she was happy being married to him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

ABHale said:


> Why do you say every guy that post on TAM is the worst husband/boyfriend ever? Talk about issues.


That's a very odd interpretation...


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

ABHale said:


> Why do you say every guy that post on TAM is the worst husband/boyfriend ever? Talk about issues.


I call it like I see it just like you think I "say every guy that post on TAM is the worst husband/boyfriend ever" which is far from the truth. But that's the way you mistakenly see it, and I post what I see too.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

AlexBle22 said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> New to the forum. I'll will try to get give some background...
> 
> ...


Havent read the other comments yet, but from what I read, you already had a son living with you and she had no kids when you were dating. Now you are wondering what changed after she became a first time mother to the child you share? She became a mother, is my thinking. Not that it excuses sex issues and stuff, but MOST women change priorities when they go from being carefree individuals to being responsible for the livliehood of an innocent being.

Maybe she cares more about parenting her child than having wine nights?

Sent from my SM-A530W using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I find your thread title interesting: Finding someone and being happy or staying married for the kids.

From what you have shared so far, it seems you have skipped straight past the options of counseling, working together with your wife, and your mind is already out the door. I'll stand corrected if I've missed detail here, or if you return to share more. Whether your mind is out with the female friend or not, I don't know. Thing is, you're doing yourself a disservice if you exit this relationship without fully exploring what is going on within you, with your wife, and between the two of you. And the reason that would be a disservice - is for the opportunity presented to learn a whole lot about yourself. Regardless of whether you and your wife decide to stay married or not. My post isn't about whether to stay for the kids or not, it's about jumping ship prematurely and not committing yourself to learning more about what is going on. You know, as life-growth stuff.

And if your focus is swayed to your friend, and has you considering there's someone else out there for you that is compatible, well, I'd suggest you bring your mindset and your actions (stop deeply connecting with this friend) back into your marriage. See that through properly first. By the sounds of it, you likely considered that you and your wife were once compatible. As another asked, I also wondered whether depression may have a role in this with your wife. 

So then I wonder if you're bold enough to stick with the journey to learn more about yourself and what's occurring in your relationship. The options of the thread title indicate 2 paths. There's a couple of more paths I can think of, which includes getting to a healthier and happier place with your wife, another could be going through the personal growth within your marriage and then both deciding to part ways when the options of being a team again have been exhausted.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

AlexBle22 said:


> Things changed...
> We have been married for about five years and after the first couple of years we stopped doing what attracted me to her.


Okay, something else I'm curious about... while you mention things that bonded you emotionally (wine nights/intimacy), what about her personality / values / outlook on life attracted you? 

And yes, things do change - with or without kids. That's part of the beauty of life.. all the changes. I suppose with relationships, it's whether you can adapt and change together. This is a new phase of your relationship and may now require you both to connect through different things, or at least make adaptions. And while you emotionally connect with another woman, your focus will not be on achieving those life transitions with your wife.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'm going to post this from a selfish perspective... I like reading the views of both of you. Whether those views oppose or not. Selfishly (of me), it would be a shame if this back and forth resulted in consequences that meant your opinions couldn't be read. Any chance this can now be directed back to focus on Alex?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> I'm going to post this from a selfish perspective... I like reading the views of both of you. Whether those views oppose or not. Selfishly (of me), it would be a shame if this back and forth resulted in consequences that meant your opinions couldn't be read. Any chance this can now be directed back to focus on Alex?


Probably for the best, I've exceeded my daily quota for eye-rolling.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Maybe you need to fix yourself. You seem to think that marriage should always be like it was during dating. Wine and roses! Plenty of sex! Not so. Maybe you need to put on your big-boy pants or stop getting married and dragging your kids through the mess! And stop finding girlfriends while you are married! That is very bad behaviour and not the sort of example you want to set for your kids. Grow up, come clean with your wife and give her a very amicable divorce, custody and let her go find someone who will love her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I sense a pattern.

Your first wife, up and left you....cold, even left her son.

Your second wife was lukewarm to cool from the get-go, never seemed much more.

You must be colder than both wives...with only wanting wine and dinners, sex a couple of times a month, and a clean house.

For you, that is OK.

You sound not the hot catch either, which is who you are.
Sounds like I am knocking you, I am just giving my internet opinion.

We are all some form of some person. You come across as, so-so, yet expect women to be more than you!

And for THEM to maintain and sustain that image when you are that, so easily discouraged, slippery chap with cool actions.

This new woman at the office? She is dancing with a married man, figuratively, at least it sure sounds hat way. Plus, you are giving her impetus and energy to continue. Your are feeding her kibbles and she responds, uh, friendly, with her, maybe being interested?

Work with the second wife, get her moving, romance her like you are that lady at work.

Pull the covers off your wife when she is in her corner of the bed and perform 1,2,3 foreplay with her. Her lady parts are just as good as any other women.

Be the smiling gent, not the sullen gripe.



_The Typist-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Now, what I wrote is a plan of action.

Give you and your wife a good year to work out your individual unhappiness(es). You must communicate what you are feeling and thinking and listen to her feelings and needs.

If you have given up already, then divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No one said life is easy.

Damn!! 
It ain't!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

AlexBle22 said:


> I have a female friend that I'm known for a year and we have connected. She's pretty much identical to my personality when it comes to everything I like


You've been here before, and look how it turned out.


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Does your wife actually understand that your marriage is in real danger?? Have you communicated this to her, or have you just done some vague moaning about issues?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

AlexBle22 said:


> I've also thought about seeing a marriage counselor on my own for advice.


Why not see a marriage counselor as a couple?

(Note: I am a qualified marriage counselor. If you came on your own for an assessment with me and told me that story, I'd say, get your wife in here, I need to hear her side of this story).


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I can't help but wonder if you work to please her as much as she works to please you...….none. You enjoyed wine nights when you dated but she had no kids. She didn't have little people to care for. Now she has a family on top of her job. Wonder what happened to time to work out? 

She does sound depressed. I don't know how much housework you do but it should be some. Since she is not doing housework, are you doing it or is it going undone? It sounds like she comes home, makes sure everyone gets fed, takes care of the kids, makes sure everyone has clothes, gives the kids a bath and takes care of their needs, gets them in bed and then goes to bed. Maybe that's not right, but it sounds like that. If that is right, what do you do in this timeframe?

When she climbs in bed and crawls to the other side, do you ever ask if she will scoot over so you can just hold her? Women need intimacy. Do you calm her fears about the news or do you just give her your opinions? Have you made it your priority to make sure she reaches orgasm every time you have sex, perhaps even before you do? 

I am just trying to figure out if you are trying to be the kind of husband she needs. I believe you should try counseling. And dump your friend. Having a friend like that will alter your perception of and your effort in, your current marriage. Unless you want to be that guy that has been married so many times that people gossip about it, you need to find a way to fix this one. And from what you have said, I believe it can be fixed. But you need help (counseling) and you need to build up her confidence, help her at home so she has time for you, put her first sexually and be her rock when the world is crazy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Moderator warning: Please! No more threadjacks.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I find it interesting that you don't talk about falling hard for your wife, how much you love(d) her, how wonderful her personality/humor/whatever was when you fell in love, etc. All you said was that you seemed compatible, both liked wine dates and fitness and that you 'ended up' getting married after two years. 

Honestly, you sound like you were as excited by your wife as by a chat with the mailman or the fruit selection down at the grocery store. Were you ever in love with your wife? Really, passionately, in love with her?

I sincerely wonder if you're just incredibly analytical and married because you wanted help with the house and your child and figured she'd do as well as anyone? Or if, just perhaps, comparing your new exciting friend to your 'boring' wife is leading you to rewrite your marital history? Either would create real problems in any relationship. And either might also lead your wife to withdraw from you - because she senses how you really feel (or don't) about her. 

Maybe it's time for some self-reflection. First, read a book called "Not Just Friends" so you can understand why your relationship with your "friend" is so damaging to your marriage. After you've completely ended your relationship with her, go read "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by Willard Harley. So you can see what a healthy relationship, where two people stay in love with one another, takes in the long-term. Do the work that they suggest all on your own for a few months. See if there's any difference in how your wife relates to you. If there is, then the two of you can read the books together and do the work together.

You can fix your marriage if both you and your wife want to. But not while your little "friend" is in the picture.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

So, you two did the wonderful unicorn love dating thing that became more as it got shinier and shinier from all the polishing. Now that your are married, a few years later, another child, finances, life and that shine is now gone. In my experience, shiny things need to be polished to keep that shine. Once the polishing stops the luster becomes lacking. Did you stop to think perhaps you stopped polishing and it may not be your W? It appears you are looking to polish someone else. How then does your marriage get the polish when your rag is being hung somewhere else? Marriage takes work. Autopilot does not work. 

Tell me, what do you two to keep that dating feeling alive?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

AlexBle22 said:


> When we dated we would have sex at least once a week


That's honestly not a whole lot while you're dating. And now it's even less. But I would say stick it out, do the counseling to get advice. Would she either be willing to come along or even attend counseling for herself? Have you asked her why the change in her? You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about her probably being tired, etc., but do you know for sure?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Your poor little boy has already had one parent leave him, and now you want to make it two. Dont kid yourself that they will be ok because you will still see them, they will still feel abandoned. I have no idea how any parent can leave their children. I could no more do it than fly.


OP, *surely* you don't expect your second wife to continue raising* your* biological son if you move out???? While she may be the only mother figure he knows, YOU are his parent and YOU are responsible for him - or did you just expect to move out on your own into your new bachelor pad and start living the life of a single guy, dating and playing with your new "friend" and having all that fun sex whenever you want it?

Yeah....good luck with that.


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## AlexBle22 (Aug 31, 2020)

I've looked at some marriage books online and they are all mostly religious or involve a pastor. We are both not religious so any recommendations for be nice.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> When she climbs in bed and crawls to the other side, do you ever ask if she will scoot over so you can just hold her? Women need intimacy. Do you calm her fears about the news or do you just give her your opinions? Have you made it your priority to make sure she reaches orgasm every time you have sex, perhaps even before you do?


DCF's post made me think of something I've done many times here on the forum to help guys in your situation. I didn't do that for you and though I came down hard on you, his post reminded me that maybe you could use help with some pointers in the ABCs and 123s of getting what you need from your wife so you both can be happier. She won't fall out of bed trying to avoid you, and you won't fall in love with other women as result of your sex-starved life (please understand that's all this is with your friend, just infatuation because you're lonely). I know you need sex and intimacy with your wife. She needs those too. It's just that you both need those to be expressed in different ways. And if it comes as any comfort to you at all, you are hardly alone. The mistakes people make in life and marriage are repeated throughout history and will continue. None of us know better until we know better.

*Sex your wife up outside the bedroom.*
and
*Sex your wife up in the bedroom.*

After reading the first link, you might feel a little bit pressured, but read down to Ragnasson's response to my post and then read my reply to him and you'll get what I'm saying.


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Yeswecan said:


> So, you two did the wonderful unicorn love dating thing that became more as it got shinier and shinier from all the polishing. Now that your are married, a few years later, another child, finances, life and that shine is now gone. In my experience, shiny things need to be polished to keep that shine. Once the polishing stops the luster becomes lacking. Did you stop to think perhaps you stopped polishing and it may not be your W? It appears you are looking to polish someone else. How then does your marriage get the polish when your rag is being hung somewhere else? Marriage takes work. Autopilot does not work.


If there was an option to love this, I would. Great analogy.


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

AlexBle22 said:


> I've looked at some marriage books online and they are all mostly religious or involve a pastor. We are both not religious so any recommendations for be nice.


I like this one. Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships: Schnarch PhD, David: 9780393334272: Amazon.com: Books


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Getting The Love You Want by Hendrix.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

The new rules of marriage, by Terry Real


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