# Losing To Masturbation



## aurrasing (Oct 27, 2008)

New here, and just need some advice...I guess the male perspective. This is not really something I would like to share with my friends, since they know my husband.

We have been married for a very short time, and already it seems like our sex life is starting to go down the preverbial tube.

I think I'm pretty close to the perfect wife. I give him all the time in the world he could want for his personal time. He produces music in his spare time...comes home around 6, gets on the computer until about 11, sometimes 2am. This is nightly. On the weekends, he does this all day long. I never complain. I am very open minded sexually, we have toys and a swing. I got him a new porn and dressed up for him on his birthday, and have offered to try anything he would like. 

When we first started in our relationship, we were like rabbits. However, now it seems as though he could care less about having sex. I try to initate it, and he falls asleep. When he doesn't fall asleep, it is usually me giving him oral and then he either comes and goes to sleep, or we have sex while he just lays there..appearing to be bored. Rarely, does he show any enthusiasm...only after we have been out and he's had many drinks.

He masturbates more often than we have sex. (I know this because I have stumbled upon numerous crusty socks he's hidden in the bathroom cabinet where we keep the toilet paper)I have no problems with masturbation. What I do have a problem with is the fact that he is screwing his hand more than he has sex with me. He waits until I leave to go to the store, out of town for work, etc. then he pulls up the porn and does it. He sends me text message wanting a ETA of my arrival. When I come home, and try to encourage sex between us, he has no interest. Probably, because he's gotten his jollies already and isn't horny anymore. 

I've tried to talk to him about it on several occasions. He says he's just tired and just wants to cuddle. I've offered to take care of him on nights when he's "too tired", and have told him numerous time that we don't have to have long drawn out sessions, that I just want to be with him and be a part of what pleasures him...that I would be happy with a quickie or we can just masturbate one another.

I just can't for the life of me understand it. This has left me feeling like I have been cheated on. Except, his mistriss is his hand and porn.

I've come to the point now to where I don't want to initate sex anymore for fear of another rejection...it's get hard to deal with.

Guys, help me understand why a man would want the hand over the real thing.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

aurrasing- I really feel for you.

You are absolutely right. After a man cums, he will not desire sex. If he masturbated and did not cum, it would be a lot better. Married men should save their semen for their wives.

You have written a very clear explanation of what he is up to. You need to tell him you want him to stop ejaculating without you, or you're leaving him (assuming you are ready to give him an ultimatum).

As to why he is doing it... forget it. You could dig and dig for years. The point is, he's gotten into a silly habit. You need to break it. You need to be firm, or it will get even worse. And giving him a BJ and letting him fall asleep is not sex. It's called low self esteem - yours! 

I know a lot about this because I practice semen retention. You can read my story here: Semen retention, the early days. - The sexuality support group forum


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Hun, you should have gotten him porn. If he spends most of the time on the internet, he is not trying to find out how to give himself a perm. 
Trying to make you laugh, because I know it is hurting you that he does this to you. He is more into getting himself off and "thinking" he is making it with those nasty azz bimbos than with his sweet, loving, and decent wife. You know.. I find this so very very sad, because I have a friend that would give anything to have a nice girl with good values and morals as he does. He says those that have a good wife don't appreciate them, and don't know how bless they are to have someone that truly loves and cares for them in their life. He is a good guy, but he has called me and he does all the talking.  I was thinking (to myself) you need to change that, dude, because girls do want their say too. :rofl:


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)




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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

aurrasing said:


> I've tried to talk to him about it on several occasions.


I tried this approach, too. It doesnt work. They're pretty good manipulators. I told my H either he starts going to counseling and quits porn, or im outta here.

I think you need to decide what he needs to do for you to stay. and be willing to leave if he doesnt do it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng-

You mean actually gave him an ultimatum recently?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> ljtseng-
> 
> You mean actually gave him an ultimatum recently?


No, not recently. I gave him the ultimatum awhile after i found out about the porn, maybe a year after. I tried to make myself be ok with it for awhile, and i thought it was just me, but after awhile i realized that's just who i am and so i gave him the ultimatum.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng-

Is that your dog in your avatar?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> ljtseng-
> 
> Is that your dog in your avatar?


lol ya that's my baby.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

How does your hubby react to the dog?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> How does your hubby react to the dog?


AHAHA! Ah MT you know too much...he hates the dog.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Yes, I thought so. I bet his problems with sex relate to your dog.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Yes, I thought so. I bet his problems with sex relate to your dog.


LOL...my H has issues with sex that relates to my dog...Im not ready to go there  :rofl:


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like he is addicted to porn and he needs to get a handle on it now. It sounds like he isn't bored with sex but wants the quick easy release to unrealistic terms. If you want to save things get to a councilor quick.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

draconis said:


> It sounds like he isn't bored with sex but wants the quick easy release...
> 
> draconis


:iagree: I had this epiphany not too long ago. When i realized my H just wanted a quick release it helped me a lot. Sometimes if you back off and just listen to what they like (not by actually talking, but by watching them), without feeling discouraged by it, then you have a foundation to build on. That's hard to do, if not impossible to do, if there are a lot of other issues flying around.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

For aurassing:

Are you hot? Or a better question: Does your husband still find you physically/sexually attractive? If you don't know his answer, find out. Just brace yourself if the answer is not the one you were hoping to hear.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

butazez said:


> For aurassing:
> 
> Are you hot? Or a better question: Does your husband still find you physically/sexually attractive? If you don't know his answer, find out. Just brace yourself if the answer is not the one you were hoping to hear.


Reread what she said. They have been in a relationship a short time. It isn't like she changed over twenty years. She has offered to have any sex on his term. He is addicted to porn and likes to masturbate to it. It is very selfish on his part.

draconis


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I think you should make yourself less available. He obviously has learned he can treat you like dirt and experience no loss whatsoever on the supply side of the equation.

You've definitely seen that giving him what he wants so quickly and effortlessly isn't helping your cause. Best of luck, and listen to Mark as he knows what he's talking about here.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> lol ya that's my baby.


Nice looking baby.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

aurrasing said:


> New here, and just need some advice...I guess the male perspective. This is not really something I would like to share with my friends, since they know my husband.
> 
> We have been married for a very short time, and already it seems like our sex life is starting to go down the preverbial tube.
> 
> ...



Take big garbage bags and his luggages, fill it with his stuff, put it in front of the door, then take all his porn magasins and put them on top of it.
And beside a huge paper "GOODBYE" .
The message should be clear: me or the porn.
What he does after that will let you know how bad things rerally are
one hting is sure you cant go on like that anymore and you shouldnt accept being treated that way.
He needs to go to rehab, there is no other way out.
He need to see a specialist and talk to a doctor about this problem
Its a real addiction and they talk about it more and more in the press, and media in general, about men addiction to porn in the USA.
At some point it had to come.
Another thing you can do is found all his porn magz and trash them before leavign the house. Do it all the time.
And give him ultimatums.
Ultimatums are usualy not good, but when you already tried everything else the guy needs a wake up call.
You could also call his parents and tell them he does that, both to his mum and to his dad.
Then arrange to you both to come over to see them a few days later, so that he can get his ears full..
He is getting away with his dirty way to treat you too much easy.
Make it hard for him, if not he will never stop.
He dont care for you at all. Do you want to stay with him?
If he cared he will never do that.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

draconis said:


> Reread what she said. They have been in a relationship a short time. It isn't like she changed over twenty years.


Point taken, draconis, but the question is still valid. I remember one comedian (can't name who) that said "it does not matter how hot she is, someone is sick and tired of her ****."

That's why I rephrased the question and focused it more on how he feels about the OP.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> LOL...my H has issues with sex that relates to my dog...Im not ready to go there  :rofl:


I just don't understand you. If you had to chose between a reconciliation with your hubby or keeping your dog, you would not be sure right?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Take big garbage bags and his luggages, fill it with his stuff, put it in front of the door, then take all his porn magasins and put them on top of it.
> And beside a huge paper "GOODBYE" .


:smthumbup: Totally agree. :smthumbup:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Honey said:


> Nice looking baby.


Thanks


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> If you had to chose between a reconciliation with your hubby or keeping your dog, you would not be sure right?


That is a tough one...i should start a poll...Ladies, your MAN or your DOG?!?!? 

:rofl:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> That is a tough one...i should start a poll...Ladies, your MAN or your DOG?!?!?
> 
> :rofl:


Don't give me any of your boundary %^&*£@, this is MT remember?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Don't give me any of your boundary %^&*£@, this is MT remember?


I gotta say, now im impressed...


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2008)

To the OP, stick his used socks back in his drawer....It should put him in a sticky situation.  excuse the pun


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> :smthumbup: Totally agree. :smthumbup:


thanks and for all the ladies whos man is addicted to internet porn, remove the ADSL box or wire, and delete all his documents files with porn pictures. You can even replace it with Walt Disney stuff like Pocahontas. That should do the trick. 
Go to your computers and internets configuration and put it as for kids.. no "no-no" htings.. it will block access to all porno sites. :rofl: And he wont even know why he cant access it. 
:lol:
But removing the wire is best.
he removed the wire on you, remove the wire on him, and see who bend over first.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> That is a tough one...i should start a poll...Ladies, your MAN or your DOG?!?!?
> 
> :rofl:



Well, now that you ask I feel a bit flow. 
Which one is the dog? :scratchhead:

:rofl:

I think i will take the cat, just to be on the safe side..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

They have this new thing now called wireless internet.

I won't attempt to describe it better than ljtseng in her other posts, but the key is not to try to control your spouse's behavior, especially if it involves an addiction, but to set forth clear boundaries for yourself.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Jason said:


> To the OP, stick his used socks back in his drawer....It should put him in a sticky situation.  excuse the pun



i know a better one: Boil a large amount of spaghetties, like 1 kg or 500 gr. Then remove the water, then throw the whole thing on his head directly from top, while he is watching porno.
Repeat it often.
He should get the point before Easter. 
If you do it after mixing them with Bolognese sauce, and using maizena soupe every second day, he will get the point before Christmas.
Now if you want very quick results, take a bowl of usual candian sirup, or pancake sirups, and spread generously on his porn mags. You can also use mackerels or herrings water, if you buy them in bocals, they got a very stincky "sauce" they swim in.
You can eventualy mix it with the marple sirup or pancake sirup and spread the scent generosuly on all his porn mags.
If he gets mad or ask, oyu can say that you thougth it will please him since it smell like it and he can stick to it a bit more! LOL
Say that you tried to recreate for him the sense of the real. 
Tell him that he can lick his porn mags now 
If he buy new ones, give them a ride in the washing machine or just take a plastic bowl with warm water and a big dose of chlor, and bath his mags in it for about an hour.
If he gets angry, tell him " now you got to know what you want darling! last time you said it stincks so now i washed them and you are angry!" and be very very mad at him. Make faces.
Make him feel totaly stupid.

If against all expectations he keep the trend, take all his socks and cut the upper part. 
If it doesnt get him to stop, cut all his panties in 2.
and if he still do it close all curtains and remove all lamps.
or file him for divorce, depending on how far you are willing to go.


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## butazez (Aug 19, 2008)

I think the thread just went down the drain.

Ashley, tell us how you *really* feel about porn.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

swedish said:


> They have this new thing now called wireless internet.
> 
> I won't attempt to describe it better than ljtseng in her other posts, but the key is not to try to control your spouse's behavior, especially if it involves an addiction, but to set forth clear boundaries for yourself.


you can remove the card for the wireless internet ( call Netcard)so thats the same. it shouldnt be a problem. As for not tryng to control the guy, what else do you wan to do? boundaries? but the guy is totaly careless about it! Why shoudl he care? its not him who needs her its her who needs him! so the fight is lost before it started. What the guy do is abuse of power as he impose HIS prerogatives, his wish, his will, his likes and dislikes, his perverted sexuality, his asexuality, and his disrespectfull behavior, on her! Thats being a control freak.
Its a power fight, and not just a passiv thing. 
For her to regain control over the situation she has to regain power and to use drastics methods. 
None of the men addicted to porn are willing to listen nor to change their attitude on their own. They only do so when totaly pressed to do so. 
Also alcoholic, when they have reached the line, when the wife has already left them or show them the door.. then they go to AA and stick to it.. but before that, they just deny or dont care.

It is also necessary in order for her to can regain some selfconfidence and to can confront him with his addiction. As long as he can jsut reach for it he can always deny being addicted thus the massive prove of the contrary. 
When the wire is off he cant deny it anymore.
She can removde the wire so that the guy all the sudden look around him and notice her again and have time to talk with her instead of watching porn, thats why it is important and necessary.or.. she can wait far too long for him to see a councler and even longer for him to do something about it, or, she can just get sex somewhwere else with other men, and ultimatly file for divorce. What do you think is best?

Its not at her to carry the relationship, thats a 2 person thing, so he got to do his share as well. if he wont then he got to file for divorce and tell her thats what he want.
If he is unable to do so cause there is a real addiction, then we treat it as an addiction: Cold turkey.
Cant be dangerous since it not hard narco.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ashley said:


> If he is unable to do so cause there is a real addiction, then we treat it as an addiction: Cold turkey.


I've not heard of this method as an effective treatment, unless perhaps the addict is locked up but when there is a will as strong as addiction they will find a way. The addict has to want to change before any real progress can be made in that regard.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

aurrasing said:


> I've tried to talk to him about it on several occasions. He says he's just tired and just wants to cuddle. I've offered to take care of him on nights when he's "too tired", and have told him numerous time that we don't have to have long drawn out sessions, that I just want to be with him and be a part of what pleasures him...that I would be happy with a quickie or we can just masturbate one another.
> 
> I just can't for the life of me understand it. This has left me feeling like I have been cheated on. Except, his mistriss is his hand and porn.
> 
> ...



Here you show a perfect exemple where the guy knows it but denies it like a boy hidding his sex life from his mum..
Tell him that you are not his mum and that you know that he watch porn and ask him why he do it in the toilet? 
He thinks he is in the army or at school?
Tell him "This is our home for God sake, and i am your wife, if you hide your sexuality and your sexual needs from your own wife, to whom are you going to show it to and to share it with?"

tell him that what he does is totaly abnorm, and that he got to stop and seek treatment for it.
Ask if he got a medical condition and insits for him to get tested.

Maybe he has AIDS but dont want to tell you..
if nhe dont have it, telling him that will have show him how seriously this issue is for you, cause up to now he isnt showing any will to cooperate with you.
The alone thing you can do is having a direct confrontation with him, without the voice needing to go up, and tell him that this has become extremely important to you and that you will not accept both his denial to have sex with you and his denial that he is doing denyign it.
Tell him that you want to hear a real explaination and not an excuse, and that he got to stop avoiding the subject.
Next tieme he say "i am jsut tired" stand up on the bed, put the full light on, and have a real clean-slate-session right on the spot. 
It shoudl teach him that he isnt going to go free from it that easy anymore.


Good luck with it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ashley said:


> tell him that what he does is totaly abnorm, and that he got to stop and seek treatment for it.
> Ask if he got a medical condition and insits for him to get tested.
> 
> Maybe he has AIDS but dont want to tell you..


What?!?

Masturbating in private is totally abnormal?

AIDS? That's just out of left field and I don't see any relation to her thread that would indicate putting this fear in her mind...just makes NO sense.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Ashley said:


> Well, now that you ask I feel a bit flow.
> Which one is the dog? :scratchhead:
> 
> :rofl:
> ...


Are you sure, Ashley? My girl cat is too kinky for me. :rofl: 


No, really.. I will be sitting and she will come and sit by me. She will stick her butt in the air so I will spank her butt. When I stop, she will hit me with her tail to spank her again. 

Oh, and what about the nails? OUCH !!


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

swedish said:


> I've not heard of this method as an effective treatment, unless perhaps the addict is locked up but when there is a will as strong as addiction they will find a way. The addict has to want to change before any real progress can be made in that regard.



Not true. What you refer to are people falling back, and they do so because there is a physical addiction meaning a biological condition where certain part of the organism are used now to receicve the stuff and expecting it to come, if it doesnt it create the needs and even when one is clean those receptor are still there waiting, the same is true for smokers, of usual cigarets, of tobacco. Thats why one risk to fall back easily by smeling other smoking or just by having one smoke.

But here it not a liquid you inject or drink nor a smoking substance, it is an intelectual addiction mainly.
So he just have to get off the bad habit by getting unused to watch it. Like if you are watching too much TV, all you got to do is to say ok, this weekend we dont watch any TV, we make a TV break. its not going to kill anyone and everybody will communicate better and if you do it every weekend or every sunday, everybody will have habits who will change of doing things together talking more and doing things differently than when all the time was taken by watching tv.
Thats the same here. He got to put some disciplin in, and to let go of something who is destructiv. You can certainly say that porn addiction is both dangerous and destructive. It spoil the whole relationship.
Cold turkey work for some not for others, when its real narko we talk about. but when its about mental addiction like porn is, it works always.
Here its a mental dependency and he needs to get out of it to at least realise that he needs medical treatment.
Of course if someone dont want or later one would like to do it again, you cant change that. But you can say the same abotu people who arenot addicted at all today, that they can fall for that addiction and for any otehr kind of adiction. It deosnt make them addicted today either.

I am sure that this new addiction is going to make noise in the future cause up to now it doesnt have reach the news lines yet, but it shouldnt be long before they talk about it on tv, as the new addiction.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Honey said:


> Are you sure, Ashley? My girl cat is too kinky for me. :rofl:
> 
> 
> No, really.. I will be sitting and she will come can sit by me. She will stick her butt in the air so I will spank her butt. When I stop, she will hit me with her tail to spank her again.
> ...


:rofl: this thread is getting hallucinating. LOL


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

swedish said:


> What?!?
> 
> Masturbating in private is totally abnormal?
> 
> AIDS? That's just out of left field and I don't see any relation to her thread that would indicate putting this fear in her mind...just makes NO sense.



he is not masturbating in private he is not wanting to have sex with her at all, but like cuddling instead. 
If he has an affair he could masturbate in the toilet while talking to someone on the cell phone, but if he is willing to cuddle with her he will make love to her too. Another possibility can be that he is ill and therefor got to satisfy himself to dont transmit the disease on her, but is unable to say so, but still can cuddle without danger of spreading it.

And as i said just asking him that can be a good way to make him deblock and have him realise how serious the situation has become for her, and that he got to stop to make it as inexistitng and a "I am jsut tired baby" for months, and instead tell her whats wrong or at least have an open tlak about it. She tried and he just deny the problem and its existence,. "i am jsut tired " he says all the time.
And, she didnt found porn magasin.
Only proves that he masturbate.
When you are married its not necessary to hide from your wife that you do so and masturbating never mean that you stop having sexual contact with your wife all together. Thats what is abnormal about it swedish.
I never wrote masturbating is abnorm, but " what he does is abnorm" now, if you dont know what he does, reread the first post of this thread.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Ashley said:


> thanks and for all the ladies whos man is addicted to internet porn, remove the ADSL box or wire, and delete all his documents files with porn pictures. You can even replace it with Walt Disney stuff like Pocahontas. That should do the trick.
> Go to your computers and internets configuration and put it as for kids.. no "no-no" htings.. it will block access to all porno sites. :rofl: And he wont even know why he cant access it.
> :lol:
> But removing the wire is best.
> he removed the wire on you, remove the wire on him, and see who bend over first.


:lol:
Walt Disney stuff. Too funny ! :rofl: They think they are getting a blow up sex doll, and they get a small little girl mouse. :rofl:
Oh, I would like to see the look on some of the guy's faces. 
All excited  then they are like WTF :scratchhead: then they
are like 

:rofl:


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Honey said:


> :lol:
> Walt Disney stuff. Too funny ! :rofl: They think they are getting a blow up sex doll, and they get a small little girl mouse. :rofl:
> Oh, I would like to see the look on some of the guy's faces.
> All excited  then they are like WTF :scratchhead: then they
> ...


yes exactly thats the thougth behind it. 
And in fact oyu could replace his porn mags with cartoon as well. If it was me i will put gay porn mags just to annoy him, or women usual mags about coking and that kind, or a whole year mensuals of the local churchs mags, or Tom and jerry collection.
A very twisted thing will eb to put mags and article made for men on how ot be a good husband and about women needs and about the 10 sure way to break yoru marriage.. 

I would like to see the guy face on that one! :smthumbup:

but even more when he get his hands on a mag cover with fish saumur and marple sirup.  :rofl:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Honey said:


> Are you sure, Ashley? My girl cat is too kinky for me. :rofl:
> 
> 
> No, really.. I will be sitting and she will come and sit by me. She will stick her butt in the air so I will spank her butt. When I stop, she will hit me with her tail to spank her again.
> ...


Let's keep the thread in a positive direction for the inquirer here. She is asking for our help, not personal entertainment.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Let's keep the thread in a positive direction for the inquirer here. She is asking for our help, not personal entertainment.


I'm sorry, Amplexor.. I thought the cat acting like she did was funny and wanted to share it. Life is too sad sometimes and I just wanted to put a smile on other people's faces. To make some people laugh when they feel like crying is the best medicine you can give. Again, I'm sorry if I upset you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I am not offended nor upset. Just wanting the thread to stay focused on the original poster's needs. She may be upset if she has as a serious concern and sees her thread off on a tangent. Thanks.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> I am not offended nor upset. Just wanting the thread to stay focused on the original poster's needs. She may be upset if she has as a serious concern and sees her thread off on a tangent. Thanks.


No problem. 

Ok, sorry Aurrasing, darlin. What helps me, doesn't always help others, so I'll just give advice from now on.


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