# Husbands high sex drive



## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

Little background- My husband and I have been married for 15 year, together 18. We have 3 kids and are very busy with their sports and our full time jobs. 
He cheated on me before we were married and has kissed someone since we've been married, about 12 years ago. 

Our sex drives have always been a little off but we have always compromised on 3-4 times a week. We have had many ups and downs over the years. Which has made us love each other more. I know that he loves me and I think he desires me. 19 months ago I found out by accident that he signed up for a "dating/hookup" website. So I decided to give him all the sex he wants and vowed to not say no. It really helped us to reconnect. We are still having sex at least once a day. There are days where it is more than that. Probably 50% of the time it is really good, quality sex. So that brings me to my need for advice...or maybe just a mans point of view...so many times it seems as though he just wants sex, doesn't matter if its me or anyone. I know part of it is in my head because I need to learn to love the body I have now. He insists he wants me and only me. But...he watches porn during the day and looks at sexy pictures online...I would rather this than a website that he can connect/chat with women. It makes me feel like I can't make him horny, that I am just helping him relieve an itch that isn't for me. When we have sex he always wants lots of foreplay and is very giving with foreplay. Yesterday we had a quickie in the afternoon and them 3 hours later I walked in on him masturbating to porn. I got home earlier than expected...granted I know he wanted more than a quickie but still...his excuse was that this way maybe he wouldn't be so tempted to chase me around the house as much later. Am I being too much of a girl?! Why am I not enough? I feel like I have bent over backwards to try to keep him satisfied. We started sexting 19 months ago too and I send him pictures. Because he also wanted that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You're a really good woman to forgive him about his mistakes and its been 12 years now.

Men in general are always horny and want sex. We are made this way and built off testosterone. Plus we connect to our women through physicality and sex is a major stress reliever and also raises our test levels, which is healthy.

Sex 3 - 4x week is a great middle ground but sex 1x every day, wow, lucky guy. You spoil him and I hope he is extremely greatful and takes care of your needs.

Sexting and pics with him as well? Nice.

You are a great woman and I hope he really appreciates you.:smthumbup:


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

This is a tough one. On one hand many of us guys like porn. On the other I can appreciate what you're saying that you sometimes feel like he's using you to get off after he's gotten horned up on porn.

I would suggest this calls for a frank and open discussion. Maybe you can reach some kind of compromise that makes both of you feel respected.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

breedlove711 said:


> ..... Yesterday we had a quickie in the afternoon and them 3 hours later I walked in on him masturbating to porn. I got home earlier than expected...granted I know he wanted more than a quickie but still...*his excuse *was that this way maybe he wouldn't be so tempted to chase me around the house as much later. Am I being too much of a girl?! Why am I not enough? I feel like I have bent over backwards to try to keep him satisfied. We started sexting 19 months ago too and I send him pictures. Because he also wanted that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why in hell would he need an excuse? Clearly his porn/masturbation isn't depriving you of needed intimacy. He clearly is on the high side of the drive spectrum and you not so much. His masturbation has nothing to do with you. I would of thought you would have been relieved that he was taking a little pressure off you.

You are being very generous with him. No one can rightfully expect their spouse to be available everytime the passion boils over; but, I think your response to this is silly.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

breedlove711 said:


> Yesterday we had a quickie in the afternoon and them 3 hours later I walked in on him masturbating to porn. I got home earlier than expected...granted I know he wanted more than a quickie but still...his excuse was that this way maybe he wouldn't be so tempted to chase me around the house as much later. Am I being too much of a girl?! Why am I not enough? I feel like I have bent over backwards to try to keep him satisfied.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is tough to talk about because I went through something very similar. In my case, I wasn't aware that sex was used to ineffectively meet my real need for intimacy with my partner. Such a crazy frustration to need something so badly, quite literally starving, and not knowing where to look. 

So you came to the conclusion that it must be you. Something you are doing or not doing .... No, I don't think so. Your husband is looking externally, but that is only part of his world. He will find more understanding by beginning to look inward. Sex should be about bonding with a partner, but it can also be about coping with unmet needs. It's necessary to develop the emotional vocabulary to comprehend the difference. This takes time and patience and your husband is incredibly blessed to have your support.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm pretty sure she could handle the porn if she hadn't realized that her husband was trying to hookup online and trolling for an Internet fling. So she goes from 3-4x/week to every day if not more and she sees him still going online for other women to get him off (in this case the porn.) 

He's already cheated on her then she finds evidence hes looking to cheat again so she steps up her game and he is still unsatisfied. That is bull####.

This isn't the same situation as your average guy who looks at porn.


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

KanDo said:


> Why in hell would he need an excuse? Clearly his porn/masturbation isn't depriving you of needed intimacy. He clearly is on the high side of the drive spectrum and you not so much. His masturbation has nothing to do with you. I would of thought you would have been relieved that he was taking a little pressure off you.
> 
> You are being very generous with him. No one can rightfully expect their spouse to be available everytime the passion boils over; but, I think your response to this is silly.


You are right, he doesn't need an excuse. The question is more-why, after we had a quickie (with completion) does he need to masturbate. Especially since it was a weekend he would be getting sex later that evening. To see it made me feel inadequate. That I am not enough. Sometimes it seems as though I am the only one compromising...which doesn't make it a compromise. I am glad to get your response. I want straight answers...and I hope this is silly and his HD is just that high that 10x a week is still not quite enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I'm pretty sure she could handle the porn if she hadn't realized that her husband was trying to hookup online and trolling for an Internet fling. So she goes from 3-4x/week to every day if not more and she sees him still going online for other women to get him off (in this case the porn.)
> 
> He's already cheated on her then she finds evidence hes looking to cheat again so she steps up her game and he is still unsatisfied. That is bull####.
> 
> This isn't the same situation as your average guy who looks at porn.


You hit my feelings right on! I am glad I was able to write it out well enough for someone to get it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> You're a really good woman to forgive him about his mistakes and its been 12 years now.
> 
> Men in general are always horny and want sex. We are made this way and built off testosterone. Plus we connect to our women through physicality and sex is a major stress reliever and also raises our test levels, which is healthy.
> 
> ...


So would you say that because he gets so much sex it makes him want more. That would make sense because he seems to want it more since we have been having sex daily. In my female mind I feel that it would help even out the drive not make it higher. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Agreed with MissScarlet. I get being HD. I am HD. But no ones NEEDS to have an orgasm several times a day. That is more like an addiction, then just High Drive. 

I feel he is being selfish, and taking advantage of his wife. She has already stepped up her game to make him happy, way more than most wife's would. And he's still out prowling around like she isn't good enough.

I'm sorry, but to me it looks like he has a serious problem, and possibly a sex addiction. I'd be working on this right away, before he goes from porn back to real women. I'd think marriage counseling is in order, and a serious heart to heart talk about how you feel.


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

I have talked via text and in person with him today and have tried talking about the sex. I guess I need to be more direct. I feel like by him ignoring the sex part of my statements (I.e. I apologized for not giving him the sex he needed and deserved) he is agreeing that I deprived him and need to do a better job. Especially after he told me yesterday that he was upset that it was just a quickie and next week when the kids are gone we are going to go away so that I have no reason to be moody and so that I have nothing to distracted from sex. Although I did get flowers at work today and he said that he should have helped me with all the cleaning/running kids around yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Agreed with MissScarlet. I get being HD. I am HD. But no ones NEEDS to have an orgasm several times a day. That is more like an addiction, then just High Drive.
> 
> I feel he is being selfish, and taking advantage of his wife. She has already stepped up her game to make him happy, way more than most wife's would. And he's still out prowling around like she isn't good enough.
> 
> I'm sorry, but to me it looks like he has a serious problem, and possibly a sex addiction. I'd be working on this right away, before he goes from porn back to real women. I'd think marriage counseling is in order, and a serious heart to heart talk about how you feel.


Yeah,

But if someone is productive in their life, it's not killing you to provide them several sex sessions in a day, and it even improves their outlook and confidence without degrading yourself - why not?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

If we really look at what sex provides a man, can this help her?
Men need validation and ego boosting and they get that through sex (the release mostly). Does he suffer low self esteem and maybe getting off makes him feel good about himself and maybe he is not really able to get that feeling in other ways and has learned to use his "release" as his only way of patting him self on the back sort a speak .

Does this make sense, not a psychologist or sex therapist here so any other input.....?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

breedlove711 said:


> So would you say that because he gets so much sex it makes him want more. That would make sense because he seems to want it more since we have been having sex daily. In my female mind I feel that it would help even out the drive not make it higher.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Exactly.

Sex can be like a drug, too much and you become addicted.

For me, the more sex I have, the more I want. The less sex I get, the less I want it after a while.

The only time I might view porn is when I only get sex 1x month......then I go stir crazy and need a serious release. But if the sex is enough, no porn at all.

When I was in my teens to early 20's......sex every day and many times each day, 7 days per week. That's testosterone for you. But when I got older, 30's, I can control myself and get away with 1 - 2x week. I could still do the sex every day and many times a day though.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Yeah,
> 
> But if someone is productive in their life, it's not killing you to provide them several sex sessions in a day, and it even improves their outlook and confidence without degrading yourself - why not?


Hey your preaching to the choir. I love sex. I beg my husband for sex, so I'm on the other end of the story. 2 or 3 times a day sounds great to me.

BUT. By her posts it sounds like his entire life revolves around sex. I mean when does this guy have time to work? Heck I'd love sex 3 times a day, but who has the time in real life? 

Really you deprived him of sex he "needed and deserved?" Once a day was depriving him? 

Special trips, flowers, to show he deserves sex.... I don't know, it just sounds like he is passively aggressive or something. 

I'm sticking with my original thought. The story just screams a bad gut feeling. It seems like she is looked at more like a piece of meat, than a wife.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> If we really look at what sex provides a man, can this help her?
> Men need validation and ego boosting and they get that through sex (the release mostly). Does he suffer low self esteem and maybe getting off makes him feel good about himself and maybe he is not really able to get that feeling in other ways and has learned to use his "release" as his only way of patting him self on the back sort a speak .
> 
> Does this make sense, not a psychologist or sex therapist here so any other input.....?


It's much more than a release.

How is a sexless outlook going to be a superior self esteem than one that gets sex? Figure that one out for me and report back.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> 19 months ago I found out by accident that he signed up for a "dating/hookup" website.


WTF? Why is a married man signing up for hook-up sites? How could you stand to have any sex with him after that, much less increasing it to every day?

Your husband is out of control. And he doesn't respect you if he is trolling for women.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Your husband is exactly like me...Right down to loving extended foreplay...We just love the feel of skin to skin with a beautiful, desirable woman...

At 66 I could easily have sex twice a day....And masturbate in between....I have almost unlimited ability to engage in intercourse....

You are an extremely generous wife. and he is a lucky man...

Most women who complain about porn say it is depriving them of sex...You are the one case that describes my situation...

It has absolutely nothing to do with when or how many times I have sex with my wife...

How many times I have an orgasm just isn't an issue. I am always ready to have sex with my wife...If given the opportunity, having sex 4-5 times a day would not be a problem, in fact I would love it.......

Don't think the porn means your husband doesn't appreciate you, He knows he has a real prize, and I am sure he loves you with all his heart....I know that after 47 years my wife is my sexual icon...

the woodchuck


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

norajane said:


> WTF? Why is a married man signing up for hook-up sites? How could you stand to have any sex with him after that, much less increasing it to every day?
> 
> Your husband is out of control. And he doesn't respect you if he is trolling for women.


I felt and feel that I needed to try to fix the problem that caused him to sign up. What kind of marriage is it if you won't try to fix a problem. Although I guess you have my marriage...a wife that still has a hard time trusting and feels used. Everyone needs to remember though, this is only my side of the story. If you heard his side maybe we could see that it is my fault. There are always 3 sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth...judging him or me with out all the information doesn't do any good for any situation. What is needed is advice or constructive criticism. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Don't think the porn means your husband doesn't appreciate you, He knows he has a real prize, and I am sure he loves you with all his heart....I know that after 47 years my wife is my sexual icon...
> 
> the woodchuck


Really? Signing up for hook-up sites means he knows he has a real prize in his wife and loves her with all his heart? I don't think so.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

breedlove711 said:


> I felt and feel that I needed to try to fix the problem that caused him to sign up. What kind of marriage is it if you won't try to fix a problem. Although I guess you have my marriage...a wife that still has a hard time trusting and feels used. Everyone needs to remember though, this is only my side of the story. If you heard his side maybe we could see that it is my fault. There are always 3 sides to every story. His side, her side, and the truth...judging him or me with out all the information doesn't do any good for any situation. What is needed is advice or constructive criticism.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Um, no. You changed yourself (by increasing sex from 3-4 times a day to daily) in order to try and get him to stop looking for other women to hook up with. 

You didn't solve the problem, which is him having so little respect for you that he would cheat behind your back.

Are you even sure he is no longer signing up for hook-up sites? You "accidentally" found it before. Are you still checking his computer? Maybe he's still doing it, but has gone underground?


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Your husband is exactly like me...Right down to loving extended foreplay...We just love the feel of skin to skin with a beautiful, desirable woman...
> 
> At 66 I could easily have sex twice a day....And masturbate in between....I have almost unlimited ability to engage in intercourse....
> 
> ...


Thank you! I was hoping to get a mans pov that has a similar situation as mine. I just wanted to know if this could be "normal".  and that is what you just did. That is awesome that you and your wife have been together for 47 years! I feel that he is my best friend, my soul mate...it's just that occasionally I get frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

breedlove711 said:


> Thank you! I was hoping to get a mans pov that has a similar situation as mine. I just wanted to know if this could be "normal".  and that is what you just did. That is awesome that you and your wife have been together for 47 years! I feel that he is my best friend, my soul mate...it's just that occasionally I get frustrated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


wanting or being able to are one thing but actually releasing this often is either a medical issue or a sex addiction IMO


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> wanting or being able to are one thing but actually releasing this often is either a medical issue or a sex addiction IMO


one more time. we know no one "needs" it this much, but their desire can be this high.

if the person is productive in their life, if the sex raises their outlook and esteem even at the high rate, and there is no downside, they are always happy and sharing their increasing prosperity and positivity - and you aren't degrading yourself to provide it, they aren't raping or looking at porn or doing hookups, what is the downside?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> wanting or being able to are one thing but actually releasing this often is either a medical issue or a sex addiction IMO


Yep, Yep.

*norajane* is right as well.

*breedlove* I think you didn't want to find out the real answer. Because you are dismissing many reasonable answers from other people, and only looking at the answers you like or answers that say your husband is "normal."
*
Treyvion *nothing is wrong with it if it's not hurting anything or anybody. BUT, he is looking at porn and/or doing hookups, and making his wife feel inadequate. So you just contradicted yourself.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yep, Yep.
> 
> *norajane* is right as well.
> 
> ...


I'm going with the spirit of TAM and assuming the cheating wife scenario. Sorry.

If he's doing hookups and porn, then he has a problem. That is a real live problem, and I'm not even sure as a woman or a man even that I would want to deal with it. You might help them by letting them go. This way they knock their head a little and maybe later on in life they'll realize it.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yep, Yep.
> 
> *norajane* is right as well.
> 
> ...


thank you..


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

breedlove711 said:


> Thank you! I was hoping to get a mans pov that has a similar situation as mine. I just wanted to know if this could be "normal".  and that is what you just did. That is awesome that you and your wife have been together for 47 years! I feel that he is my best friend, my soul mate...it's just that occasionally I get frustrated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your husband is on the high side of HD, like me, but still normal...

My wife is also HD, and sex multiple times a day was the norm the first 12 years of our marriage....

I am so happy to hear your husband is your soul mate....Believe me, your frustration is not nearly so bad as those women on tam who's husbands only want sex every couple of weeks....Now THAT"S not normal...

A lot of old biddies used to tell my wife I was screwi*g her to death....They never caught on to the fact that it was a mutual suicide pact.....We're still trying to kill each other (with kindness)...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Breedlove, it almost seems like you want to rugsweep or ignore the red flags in your husband's behavior. He signed up for dating/hookup websites so you blame yourself? Is he still doing it?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

This OP reminds me a bit of our poster a few weeks ago who was having daily sex with her H to keep him happy. He coerced her into anal which she didn't like - switched to vag which gave her an infection and then got mad because she had to take a few days off sex.

I'm just really not getting past the point where he had joined a dating site so she stepped the sex up. What's in it for her? She wants security that he's not going to step out on her. She IS being degraded in this situation. There IS harm to her in this situation.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> This OP reminds me a bit of our poster a few weeks ago who was having daily sex with her H to keep him happy. He coerced her into anal which she didn't like - switched to vag which gave her an infection and then got mad because she had to take a few days off sex.
> 
> I'm just really not getting past the point where he had joined a dating site so she stepped the sex up. What's in it for her? She wants security that he's not going to step out on her. She IS being degraded in this situation. There IS harm to her in this situation.


After reviewing the information, this type of behavior is a problem if it was anyone on the face of this earth. You have to be considerate of the other person.


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

Some of you seem a little hard and bitter. Have you been cheated on is this why? Maybe I am ignoring warning signs. But you have never seen us or how we interact with each other. 
What if I had left out the info about the hook up site. Would your responses been any different? Not that it excuses it...he did not just go to the site...he got there from a spam type email. You could say the opportunity presented itself and was stupid enough to fall for it. Part of our problem is also lack of communication..I don't tell him that him watching porn hurts my feelings just like he didn't tell me that lack of sex made him feel unwanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

breedlove711 said:


> Some of you seem a little hard and bitter. Have you been cheated on is this why? Maybe I am ignoring warning signs. But you have never seen us or how we interact with each other.
> What if I had left out the info about the hook up site. Would your responses been any different? Not that it excuses it...he did not just go to the site...he got there from a spam type email. You could say the opportunity presented itself and was stupid enough to fall for it. Part of our problem is also lack of communication..I don't tell him that him watching porn hurts my feelings just like he didn't tell me that lack of sex made him feel unwanted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Um. Ok. Looking to cheat (looking for other women, not porn) isn't really a communication problem in my humble opinion. Good luck to you!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I am not sure if you are reading me as bitter. I have been married 18 years and have not been cheated on that I know of. I also myself watch porn from time to time so I'm not anti porn either.

What irritates me is that you are doing everything you can to keep your husband satisfied and happy and then blaming yourself even though you couldn't be doing any more than you already are. And now it seems you are accepting further blame because he isn't aware the porn hurts your feelings. You also got several responses that were - men will be men - and I wanted to validate that you had a real reason to be upset. 

We have so many women (who are married to posters) that are rationing sex not even once per month and not giving their husbands the time of day, hugs, kisses, nothing. Then here's you who is doing everything you can and you should not be feeling bad.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Agreed with MissScarlet. I get being HD. I am HD. But no ones NEEDS to have an orgasm several times a day. That is more like an addiction, then just High Drive.


Bingo. It also raises the time issue for both partners, unless they are stranded on a remote island without TV or Internet... Or the connection issue.

Left unchecked the "HD" here would go for flings, multiples, and other not so acceptable to his partner means.

I remember a very appropriate quote here... "Just because you are able to do something does not mean you should do it"...


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

did I read that right? you apologized to your husband for not giving him the sex he wants and needs when you "only" gave him a quickie, with the intention of have longer sex that night, as part of the 10x/week you already have sex? and you say you apologized? why does your husband always make you out to be the bad guy, and you take the bait and apologize? 

I think he's a sex addict and when you can't deliver enough sex when he wants it and for the amount of time he wants it, then he's grouchy and you apologize.

You are having sex WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than average. You have nothing to feel bad or guilty about. Quite the opposite, he should worship you. He cheated on you so he should forever be making it up to you, then he goes on a dating site. He thinks he's going to find a woman like you to give him so much sex? Not a chance in hell. He should start appreciating you more. But instead of appreciating you, he just makes you feel bad. I think viewing porn so much is lame, but he's a sex addict. You need to look into this, see if he has the symptoms, then get him help before you get sick, or can't have sex 3-4 x week, then you'll turn your head, and he's getting it somewhere else, because he's an addict.

Sorry you are in this situation.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

breedlove711 said:


> So would you say that because he gets so much sex it makes him want more. That would make sense because he seems to want it more since we have been having sex daily. In my female mind I feel that it would help even out the drive not make it higher.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe sex drive is just like any other system in the body. The more you use it the stronger it becomes. The opposite would be long periods of abstinence which could lead to inability to function properly. Basically...use it or lose it. 

Personally, I know the more I'm having sex the more I'm thinking about it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

breedlove711 said:


> he did not just go to the site...he got there from a spam type email. You could say the opportunity presented itself and was stupid enough to fall for it.


I don't believe this.

I love the saying for every rat you see there are 50 you don't.

I hope I'm wrong and that he's just as wonderful as you think he is.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I don't believe this.
> 
> I love the saying for every rat you see there are 50 you don't.
> 
> I hope I'm wrong and that he's just as wonderful as you think he is.


could not agree more. We all have those spam emails and we do not use them or go on them. He did and for a reason.. 

I honestly do not think if you cannot come to terms that what you are saying to us about him is defining the attitude and actions of a sex addict then We can't help you.
Call a counselor that deals with sex addiction and ask their opinion directly...they will confirm what we have been telling you. His actions are very consistent and purposeful and know this his addiction like all continues to grow, the more you give him, the more he uses porn, the more he will want it, and the worse it will get for you. He needs some help and you need to wake up.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Yep, Yep.
> 
> *norajane* is right as well.
> 
> ...


I can not understand how anyone could say having sex twice a day is sex addiction...For a period of about 7 years I worked from 2:30 in the afternoon to 11:00 at night. 

I got home before midnight, I ate dinner, and turned in. sometimes we would have sex then....

I would wake up at 8:30-9:00 am, and my wife was just getting the kids off to school...She would come back to bed and we would have sex...every morning. Then I would get up, have breakfast, and do whatever needed doing around the house....

At around noon, we would wind up in bed watching TV, and have sex again.....So depending on if we had sex when I got home from work, that was 2-3 times in 24 hours.....

Then I would shower, get dressed and go to work....

We were not sex addicts, we were not freaks, we were young, in love, and had plenty of opportunity to have lots of sex, and we took full advantage of it....

If you think that was in any way, sick....I feel very sorry for you....I think every married couple should be able to have such a bonding experience.....That was in the 1970's, and we are still married...47 years.....

the woodchuck


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Woodchuck he's watching porn soon after sex, spends his days looking at other naked women, went to a hook up site, kissed another girl while married, cheated on her before marriage and I forget what else.

Did you do these things?


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

breedlove711 said:


> Some of you seem a little hard and bitter. Have you been cheated on is this why? Maybe I am ignoring warning signs. But you have never seen us or how we interact with each other.
> What if I had left out the info about the hook up site. Would your responses been any different? Not that it excuses it...he did not just go to the site...he got there from a spam type email. You could say the opportunity presented itself and was stupid enough to fall for it. Part of our problem is also lack of communication..I don't tell him that him watching porn hurts my feelings just like he didn't tell me that lack of sex made him feel unwanted.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


breedlove,

Most men here are desperate for whatever love potion your husband is slipping you at night, but seriously,.....

When someone lays all the blame on your husband you are quick to defend him. I like that. However, when someone validates your concerns you agree with them. 

I am curious. Did you come here looking to see if your husbands actions, sexual activities, and attitude about sex is something "normal" and you should live with?

-OR-

Are you looking for some consensus that your feelings of anger and sexual inadequacy that have been brought about by your husbands activities are valid?

You really provided him with more sex *after* finding he had signed up for an online dating service, or was he just looking at the internet site? 
Either way, that is truly amazing. 99.9% of women would never do that. So you are truly in the minority. (I like you thinking out of the box on that one, but, I'm a man.)

It only is a problem if you feel it is one, and I don't think you came here because you had some great advice to share. 

From what I have read so far, IMHO, it sounds like you have doubts, concerns, and feel uncomfortable about your husband and his extracurricular activities, past and present. To me that would indicate there is a problem.

In my marriage, the sex is all one sided also. My wife is in control and tells me it's normal to have sex on a monthly basis, and I feel that's a problem. So we, (or I mostly), have to work it out so everyone is happy in the relationship. 

Are you happy with your sexual relationship with your husband now?


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## breedlove711 (Jul 15, 2013)

Thank you for all the opinions. Like in real life we all tend to only want to hear what we want. I also tend to listen to most with a grain of salt. Over the last few days this all made me really question why I posted this and what I wanted out of this. What I wanted was a male perspective. But really what this was about was I was in a bad mood and feeling sorry for myself. In posting this I broke my number one rule...only rant to people about your husband who won't judge. I think at times our spouses do things that we don't like. I found early in my marriage the worst thing I could do is to vent to someone who would add fuel to the fire. Yes, he has made mistakes. We have grown up together and a lot of our struggles were due to immaturity. We were 17 & 19 when we started dating. He was 20 when he cheated. We were in a very rough patch in our marriage when he kissed someone. There are always what ifs...what if I hadn't found out about the hookup site...I can't live in that because maybe nothing would have happened. He was curious and bored. When he knew I knew and that I felt it was wrong he stopped. I feel confident that he hasn't been back on that of another site. Why? Because I have checked and because in order for us to be happy I need to trust that. 
I did take some advice from one of the first people to respond...we spent parts of 2 days talking/texting about all of this. Some of it has been hard. It's never easy to open up. He knew something was wrong and was persistent to get to the bottom of it. One of the texts that got me the most was "I guess I need to stop telling everyone we are happily married if I am the only one happy". The first day some of our conversation just made me more mad but yesterday I feel that he got what I had to say. I really feel that he knows how I feel and felt and he acknowledged and accepted that he was the cause. By no means do I feel he is a sex addict or even a porn addict. Instead of focusing on how do we find time to have sex 3 times a day...how do most people not take the time to connect with their spouse. If you really want to know...in the morning before work, when we get home (before we leave for sports obligations), and before bed. I feel that we are still newlywed and no matter that we have been together almost 20 years we still hurt each other without knowing or intending to. Sex is such an important part of a marriage, but we sometimes forget that communication is too. We have what most people want...we adore each other and most importantly, we both want to and are willing to constantly work on our marriage. And ultimately, after a lot of thought and even though sometimes I feel used (which he now knows) I don't want our daily sex to stop. I love that time together. <3
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Well I'm glad that your happy with your life. Your the one who has to live with it, and if it doesn't bother you then who are we to say there is a problem.

Goodluck! Glad you guys have such a fulfilling sex life.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Wow your husband is a really lucky guy. You basically gave him a blank check. I can't imagine how loved I would feel by my wife if she did that. Good job! :smthumbup:


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## billdakelski (Jul 17, 2013)

I will try to be brief although I could discuss this in depth. Your situation is quite similar to mine. You seem to be acting correctly. Please consider a critical factor, is you husband in love with you? Really? If he cheated on you this is difficult to believe, love does not cheat. However, I am not sure from your writing if he did or not, (kissing, although not proper, is not cheating). Trolling date sites or any sites is also not that clear cut. I am signed up with probably 15 date sites as well as 1000 other kinds of sites, I have absolutely no intention of hooking up with anyone. Notice, did he pay for the site? has he contacted anyone on the site? In other words is he actually using the site as a connection means or just a curiosity? Also, men distinguish between making love and having sex, I would guess that he makes love approx 2x week and has sex the rest of the time. From a psychological point of view, if this make a difference to you (which it probably does to most women) then ask him each time which it is, and approach it mentally that way. If it is just sex than ask him right then for a trade off of your time, or kind of drain if any. If he really loves you he will me more than happy to accommodate. I am not saying that this should be approached with a bargaining attitude, never-the-less in a serious marriage, practicality goes a long way.


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## PilotofThePurpleTwilight (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife made that comment to me once, too. She was under the impression that I just "needed to get off" and she is just a handy receptacle.

That is completely and utterly false for me and I'm sure it is for your husband. I love sex with my wife (when we have it). It's off the charts good when it's good. If all I wanted was a human sex doll, I'd see a hooker and spare my wife the trouble. But it's not the same - at all.

If I were you, I'd take it that it's not that he's just horny. He's horny for you; That's the way it is for me.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

Do you give him BJs? Do you swallow? If not he might be wanting it. Ask him. Irrespective of his reply give him head and see if things change. Ask him if he want to do things that he watches.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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