# Husband wants to start a band



## desperately (Jul 3, 2010)

Hello,

This is my first time writing here and I guess more than advice I am looking for encouragement. I think I know what I should do, but I'm still at a loss.

My husband has always been into music and I knew this going in the relationship, he has always played guitar and is borderline obsessed with rock n'roll. However, this was a hobby for him and he would just jam with his friends every now and then. His music was never a concern for me while we were dating and during the first years of our marriage. After I got pregnant with my daughter (3 years old now), he started a band and has played locally -not making any money or anything- on and off. He has held a stable good middle income job while I finished school and has contributed more financially to the family than I have for the past 5 years. I did bring income too, but he makes 3 times more than I do. 

This band playing bothers me and he knows it. It has caused many problems in our relationship mostly due to the time he spends practicing when not working and the fact that he has a drinking problem that he will not admit to. He does not drink when he is working and I am not sure you can call him an alcoholic, but when he does drink, he can't stop. He ALWAYS has to get drunk (he is not an aggressive drunk, but I don't like that anyways and I always end up getting mad at him and we have a fight). And whenever he is doing band stuff he drinks. When they have a gig in town he does not know how to stop the partying and ends up staying out until the wee hours of the morning, while I am home worrying about him getting in trouble or something bad happening. He has tried to find a happy medium, having his band members over to our house so they can do band things (not practice) so I won't worry. However, they still drink in my house and I am not fond of this.

Fast forward...I have finished school and now have the possibility of a good job, some interviews lined up. His plan is to quit his job once I have a stable one and work part time while focusing on his band "making it big". I am severely disturbed by this. The problem is whenever I try to discuss this in a civilized manner and why I don't think it's the right thing to do he will just shut off. He doesn't want to discuss it and I am left angry and frustrated. Obviously, discussing this objectively with him is not a possibility. 

I do understand that music is his passion and that he worked a job that did not make him happy in order to support our family while I chased my dream of an education. I think its selfish to rob him of his music dream now. But at the same time, I also have dreams and they do not include being a wannabe rockstar's wife. He would be doing the things that he does now that bother me. but full time. Add to that the fact that he will want to tour and that would mean lots of time alone for me and my daughter. I am a normal girl who wants a normal life...kids, a house, a family. I must add that he is 30 and I am 28, we are not kids. 

I have come to the conclusion that we both have very different interests and this marriage is doomed. He is loving and he does try to make right most of the time (when alcohol/partying is not an issue). I want him to give a shot to his dream, he will resent me forever if he doesn't; but I will resent him forever if I stay and this is the life he chooses. 

So the only option I see here is to go our separate ways. He does not want that and since he is not good at talking about serious issues I don't know how to bring this up, how to go about it and honestly I am scared about starting a life alone. But I am prepared to do what I have to do. 

I don't really know what I am looking for by writing this. I am sad, confused, feel selfish and I had to let it out. Thank you for reading.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Consider what you are saying - I am so determined to have my way that I will break up my marriage if I can't.

Is that really what you mean? Or is that just the way it comes off?


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## desperately (Jul 3, 2010)

Hi Susan,

I can understand how it comes off that way. However, due to past experiences I am afraid that him dedicating more time to this band is only going to exacerbate the issues with drinking and partying. I also don't want to be negative, but I think his chances of making it are slim. I want him to have his way too, but I don't see it working out for our family. I think I'd be more understanding and supportive of this endeavor if it wasn't for the fact that there is a small child here who will not get a regular family life is this is the life her dad chooses. Thank you for your post.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

And how long do you think 'regular family life' will last if you hold him back?

He kept his end of the bargain. You don't have to like it, but I'm telling you - if you decide to throw down over this it will be one of the core issues that undoes your marriage, whether now, or five years from now.

Why can't you let it run it's course? Why can't you support his dream when he supported yours? 

What is the ISSUE? Identify that, and you can start dealing with it.

If it is as simple as you don't like his lifestyle choices, then I agree, you probably should go your own ways. You aren't painting a picture of an irresponsible neglectful husband. But you are painting a picture that leads to tremendous resentment between the two of you, regardless of what choice is made.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

First, I want to say how refreshing it is that you have enough self esteem to know what you want and what you don't want, as well as to have the nerve to do what you think is best. It's just that self esteem in a woman is rare around these parts.

With that said, I feel you are being selfish, if not a little on the contradictory side. 1) Everybody's chances of making it are slim. There are the few who do make it, and there are the many who at least had the chance to chase their dream. 2) Your alternative also will not allow your daughter a regular family life, so it is not the solution in that regard at all. Such is the same for families where one parent travels for work often, and it's even worse for military families. 

Just my two cents, but I think you should be supportive. That doesn't mean you have to give in for a lifetime, just set some boundaries.

Some examples:

a. Give him a two-year limit. That really is not nearly enough time, but at least you are being supportive, rather than determined he not do this at all. 

b. He has to agree to curtail the drinking and partying. It is up to him if he wants to abide or destroy his family. Again, at least you will have been supportive.

c. If you prefer, tell him you and daughter should be allowed to travel with the band. Then go as often as you are able. 

d. He must find a manager and make sincere efforts to get a record deal, as opposed to just playing and traveling around expecting to be discovered. Sincere efforts means the band writes their own songs instead of being only a cover band doing nothing but other people's music. Then, their songs/demos can be submitted to record companies.

Think of other ground rules you wish to add. Nothing unachievable or unreasonable. Just fair rules to let him know you are onboard for a time, but you are not willing to tolerate behaviors unbecoming your husband, nothing that disgraces or humiliates you, and nothing that compromises your marriage because your marriage will, at that point, be compromised.

If he refuses to talk, then let him know how strongly you feel about ending the marriage if the two of you cannot come to an understanding. It might take marriage counseling to help him communicate better. 

I think you owe it to him, your daughter, and your marriage not to shut him down automatically. You cannot dream up any kind of legitimate reason to end your marriage over him wanting to devote more time to his music. It is just not being a supportive wife, and he deserves your support.


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## desperately (Jul 3, 2010)

Deejo - The whole point of this post was that I don't want to hold him back. I am well aware of the resentment that this would create and this is the reason I feel that is more reasonably for both of us to move on and do what is better for each, separately. He does not want a separation and he is-for the most part when music is not involved- a good father and husband. He did not hold his end of the bargain since this band thing was never discussed before. He worked while I finished grad school so I could then have a better job opportunity and make a better life for our family. That being said, I see where you are coming from and appreciate your reply.

Susan- Thank you! You are right that I have no reason to destroy my marriage over him wanting to chase his dream, but I am very afraid of the consequences of partying. I do think I am being selfish though and this is why I'm so torn. I think that is some great advice you gave and I'm feeling (a bit) better. I will try to bring this up without being confrontational. Thank you again!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Why are you being selfish to finally want a two income home and a husband who is home with you to raise your family?

I agree you have very different goals and those goals don't line up. But I don't think you are selfish at all. Having spent years in the music industry I know first hand how much time, money, etc... goes into "making it", let alone the party lifestyle that typically goes along with it.

Talk to him and let him know exactly what you feel - what your boundaries are. If you can't negotiate a mutually satisfying arrangement, then perhaps you should separate at least temporarily while he figures out what's really the most important for him. If it's the music, let him have at it. You will be able to find and follow your own passion which obviously is not playing "band widow".


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## desperately (Jul 3, 2010)

HappyHer, you seem to understand my frustration perfectly. Even if he does "make it big", he will have to be away a lot and I am not excited about this. I thought after I finished school we would be able to buy our first house and all those dreams. He just started talking about this band thing a few days ago and I was thrown aback. I want to have more kids and this obviously will not be a good time if he goes on with this idea. I guess I will try to compromise as much as is reasonable, but I realize that there is a huge clash of interests here and that if I want to be happy I will have to make decisions. If music is what he chooses in the long run, he "can have at it" like you said. Thanks!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

HappyHer said:


> Why are you being selfish to finally want a two income home and a husband who is home with you to raise your family?
> 
> I agree you have very different goals and those goals don't line up. But I don't think you are selfish at all. Having spent years in the music industry I know first hand how much time, money, etc... goes into "making it", let alone the party lifestyle that typically goes along with it.
> 
> Talk to him and let him know exactly what you feel - what your boundaries are. If you can't negotiate a mutually satisfying arrangement, then perhaps you should separate at least temporarily while he figures out what's really the most important for him. If it's the music, let him have at it. You will be able to find and follow your own passion which obviously is not playing "band widow".


:iagree:

I personally know of four situations where this scenario is playing out in real life. It isn't pretty and I can certainly understand where you have concerns. At the very least your husband needs to stop drinking.

Also, look at the problems you are already encountering from PART TIME band activities. I can only imagine the strain on your marriage from FULL TIME band participation.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

desperately said:


> HappyHer, you seem to understand my frustration perfectly. Even if he does "make it big", he will have to be away a lot and I am not excited about this. I thought after I finished school we would be able to buy our first house and all those dreams. He just started talking about this band thing a few days ago and I was thrown aback. I want to have more kids and this obviously will not be a good time if he goes on with this idea. I guess I will try to compromise as much as is reasonable, but I realize that there is a huge clash of interests here and that if I want to be happy I will have to make decisions. If music is what he chooses in the long run, he "can have at it" like you said. Thanks!



So you're willing to say that a man with a "regular" job is more important than your marriage? How is that any better than him saying music is more important than his marriage. Is it that easy to give up on him when the financial security isn't as stable. What happens if he gets laid off from this "regular" job? What happens when he becomes ill? How about when he becomes depressed after not getting your support on his dreams? Will you then post about him not meeting your "emotional needs" because he can barely stand to be around you and is waiting for your daughter to turn 18? "For better or for worse" remember those words.


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## questions (May 7, 2010)

IMO, what you have portrayed are what you want and fear in life, and your rationale in making a choice between these two options. What you are seeking here is validation that you are making the right choice. There is nothing wrong with your approach if the options are truly limited to these two. 

Your post reminds me when my bf (now husband) and I broke up when we were still dating. I'm older than him and was ready to settle down, while he was still looking to party. When he decided to move into a big house close to the city with a bunch of roommates, I was already established. He was working full-time and was about to enter into a graduate program part-time, on top of this move. I figured that with the added distance, new school, work, and partying, I would never see him. I really thought that we were in different stages in life to be together so I broke up with him. I dated others after, but I realized that I really missed him and we got back together. My fear never materialized, and he stayed in that house only for a few months before he asked to marry him and moved in together.

We often make life decisions based on our fear about the future. Even when we think that we're making a decision based on what we want, how we go about getting them doesn't necessarily give us what we want. Our realities are often very different from our fears or wishes. You might or might not get what you want by avoiding what you fear. You might or might not get what you want by facing your fear and making the best situation of what's happening now. I think that Susan gave you some great options and boundaries that are very practical. As Deejo said, things could just work out its course, and you might find that your fear never came to fruition...

Food for thoughts when you consider your options.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Kobo, I don't even think it's about the "regular job", it's more about the "regular life" which won't happen if he's working part time and doing the band full time.

Even at a full time, local level, it's extremely taxing. There is not just a few practices and gigs a week, there is promoting, marketing, writing, recording, traveling and much more that goes along with it. As this band is just starting out, the management and marketing, along with recording, writing, practicing and playing is going to fall on the band too. Last minute gigs or practices to get ready to record will come ahead of family plans. It can be a thrilling and exciting adventure - not for the faint of heart, and not for a woman that wants children and home to be the priority - it won't, and can't be - under the circumstances that he's outlining.

Setting boundaries, forming agreements about it is certainly an option. Are they going to be enough to compensate for the feelings of abandonment, and possibly even betrayal that is currently happening as Desperately is brought to the attention of her husbands new goals that have little to do with her beyond having her work full time and take over the majority of the childcare so he can go live his passion?


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## desperately (Jul 3, 2010)

Thank you all for the comments, I am glad I can talk openly about my fears here. 

I think HappyHer is the one who more closely understand how I feel, not that the others are wrong, but the way she is interpreting it is exactly how I feel about this. 

Questions- You are right and I have told myself this. Maybe I have nothing to fear and things will work out just fine, but due to the background and the problems we have had in the past due to his part time band I can't seem to let go of this fear. As 827Aug said, he needs to stop the drinking when he is doing music stop and I am not sure he will. He can tell me he will, but how can I believe him when he has made and broken this same promise in the past?

And Kobo, it's not about financial security. I would rather have both of us working full time, of course, but I will be making enough money to support the three of us now. As HappyHer said, my main concern is the lifestyle that comes with this passion of his. If he was a painter and wanted to work part-time while trying to paint and make a name for himself I would not be posting here. I would wholeheartedly support that and give him a chance to follow his dream rather than having to live with the "what if". You have nailed it when you write about the "emotional needs". THAT is what I am afraid will happen right now with the band. If things go well enough, he is going to want to tour, which means he will be away. I am terrified with the very real possibility of the increased drinking habits. 

As 827Aug pointed out and I mentioned in the OP, we already have had a series of issues with his part-time band. I will say they account for 95% of the problems our marriage has had. I am scared of how things will turn out with him doing this full time. 

And if I am writing here is because I do love him and I really would like for things to work out. He is a good husband, father and provider. But he has issues that are not good and they happen when he drinks, which now is not that much but it might turn into a lot if he goes for this. Add to that the fact that he will be dedicating most of his time and efforts to make this band successful and it doesn't look promising for our family life.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Mucisians are so touchy about their music and dreams aren't they?

I think you and your hubby need to sit down and seriously discuss this, and here's why.

My husband is a musician, he's not paid, he's not in a band, and he' slowly starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, he might not be able to find a way to pay our bills with his guitar. 

I have however, supported every move he's made with his music, let him have his band time on our days together, gone to practices, I'd go to shows if he had them, I fully support him being happy and doing something he loves.

His best friend, has a "famous" father. His dad is in Manowar, he has had a couple wives, and a couple divorces. Why? Because fame doesn't always pay the bills or support the family, or the wife. Those are words straight from the horses mouth so to speak. There are certain emotional needs that cannot be tended to when you aren't around because you're touring, and even then, she ended up with a famous husband that tours europe, and footing the financial aspect of their family.

your fears are very real, and rather likely. 

I know first hand how drinking goes with music, because "when your playing you're sweating the alcohol out, you aren't actually getting drunk" nevermind the beers afterwards.

I don't think its fair to rob him of his dreams, but I also don't think its fair for him to put family second. you aren't being selfish, you're being realistic. 

I don't remember if you've brought this up to him yet or not? if not you need to, tell him your concerns, and leave out the financial aspects for now, money isn't everything. what could be will always be there in your mind, what you have now could be gone tomorrow, and he needs to remember that.

and good luck with the partying. I still can't get through on that one, even after 5 years of his own self declared "quitting"


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## desperately (Jul 3, 2010)

Lucas- I'm glad you understand first hand my fears. It's encouraging to see that you have been able to make it work. I have been supportive of his music activities so far, even though I am not entirely pleased about them. I have gone to shows when I can, I don't object to him having friends over to jam as long as it is not too loud that it disturbs my daughter and I never have complained about the money he has invested making independent records or buying instruments. He knows what it is that bothers me about his music and whenever I try to talk about it he gets defensive.

Now an update for all: I was actually able to have sort of a conversation about this with him. He was most obviously uncomfortable discussing it, but at least he let me talk. I know he is unhappy at his job. Even though the pay is good and it is a stable position, it's not something he enjoys. I talked to him about him quitting once I start working (I will be working at a University and not start until late August) and look for something that is more fulfilling for him. He seemed to understand where my fears come from and he says he does not want to lose his family over the music. Even though there is always the possibility that he will resent me for getting on the way of his dream (although, in my defense I don't think I did. This making the band is something that just came up and he decided to start a family with me long ago and knowing how strongly I feel about having a united family), I think he is being sincere about putting us first. I told him I want him to watch out the drinking more and as long as he does not put us in difficult situations, I want him to continue doing music on his free time. If it's meant to go somewhere, it will. Only time will tell if this is something that will work and I know we need to do a lot more talking but I guess I should be content about small steps for now. 

Thank you so much again for all your input on both sides, it really help put things in perspective and approach this in a better way than I would have without the feedback. :smthumbup:


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## jltrinity80 (Jul 15, 2010)

Lol...sorry all i can do is laugh...this mirrors my life and for that reason...all i can say is this not one part of how you feel is wrong or selfish. I also knew entering my relationship that he was very passionate about music..BUT...i made sure to ask was this something he planned on pursuing i was told no and i continued the relationship. As people we need to know who we are and the life we plan to live and when the person u love pulls the rug from under ur feet after u have started a family? it hurts and u tend to feel a loss..unless a relationship was about I then make all the choices u want without consideration...but it is we..and we need to choose together. What is selfish here? i dnt want to be with a man i never see? i dnt want my child to miss that time that bonds her to her dad..or for us to grow apart? i think ur very unselfish by letting him have a choice in chasing his dream...it's more than was given 2 u. Your wonderful for knowing what u can and cannot do? or is it more unselfish to let it fall apart slowly? guess u have to be in a pair of shoes to walk in them.


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## tbc345 (Apr 26, 2011)

desperately said:


> Thank you all for the comments, I am glad I can talk openly about my fears here.
> 
> I think HappyHer is the one who more closely understand how I feel, not that the others are wrong, but the way she is interpreting it is exactly how I feel about this.
> 
> ...


BE THERE DONE THAT. BEING THE WIFE OF A MUSICIAN IS LIKE BEING THE 'OTHER WOMAN'. sucks, unless you are a musician too or his manager or something like that. i have been separated for 10 months and now it's divorce time. we went to counseling and we agreed upon a schedule but he couldnt stick to it and i wasnt going to be his mommy and demanding he stay home. we (finally) agreed that we wanted different things. he continues to be a father, and i continue to hold on to my dream of a family and kid/s. i am at peace with my choice and he seems happier too. i'm 29 and he's 30.

ps. my ex was not a drinker or druggie or cheater or anything like that. just never around. and it's the pratices and then the gigs and then the CDs and all that . it's very time consuming and then every free moment you got, they want you to go to their gig. it becomes all about them. i did it for about 2 years before i called it quits. we have a 3 year who is very happy and well adjusted. best decision i ever made. 

it's okay to be selfish sometimes. damnit, YOU MATTER!!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is simply about two people having very different goals. You are no more "selfish" than he is. Of course you cannot demand that he give up his dream--anymore than he can expect you to give up yours. 

I'd suggest--if you want to see if it can work--that you make the drinking non-negotiable. If he drinks to drunkeness whenever involved in his music, something is wrong, and it will only get worse as time progresses. You are right to be concerned about this. Being drunk means he is abdicating his responsibilities--he cannot make good judgments, he cannot drive, he cannot be depended on. This is putting all the burden of adult behavior on you, and clearly you don't want it (nor is it ever a good idea to let one partner act so irresponsibly on a regular basis). If he cannot give up drinking to pursue his passion, something is even MORE wrong. Maybe without that addiction, his ability to make good choices about time-management will improve--perhaps he will learn to control rehearsals/practices in a more efficient manner, for example. I have friends who coordinate their music and family very well, and this means scheduling practices, etc., so that most of the family time is predictable and dependable. 

But you need to be clear in your mind about what you can/can't tolerate regarding the drinking if you choose to try to make it work. 

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## Snooring (Mar 10, 2011)

desperately said:


> Thank you all for the comments, I am glad I can talk openly about my fears here.
> 
> I think HappyHer is the one who more closely understand how I feel, not that the others are wrong, but the way she is interpreting it is exactly how I feel about this.
> 
> ...



HappyHer is the one who tells you what you want to hear that is why you agree with her.

My view, you said he is a great husband, hard working to support the faily. You knew him before getting married that he likes play the band. Now you want to stop all of it. 

I am sure he was drinking even before you got married. Tell me how many musicians who do not drink. That is his passion. Everybody love music of one kind. without music the world will be boring for sure. We should support them. I am not saying to support his drinking but you can not expect him to stop. What you can do is to try that he can reduce drinking but not stopping.

most musicians are even not responsible to their families, he is, so you should be thankfull.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Desperately, I can post from the other point of view. I am not a musician, but was a mechanic for a long time. A couple of us decided to get into stock car racing for fun. I became the crew chief of the group and usually called the shots on car set up. Now, let me tell you, racing dirt tracks on an amateur level is incredibly time consuming and expensive. We had fun.
After about 5 years of it, we had made some contacts and one was a prominent up and comer on the NASCAR circuit. He noticed some talent on our team and asked if I was interested in breaking in to the lower NASCAR levels as a mechanic and to see where I could go. To even have this opportunity was incredible, most Saturday night racers never get that far. I talked to my wife, thought about it and realized that I would have to leave my secure, well paying job to take a million to one chance that I would make it. I could work my butt off for peanuts for years, spend 30 weeks a year on the road either racing or testing, hope to be noticed by more successful teams and in 10 -15 years, work my way up to decent pay while still having a 30-40 week a year road schedule.
Guess what? I never went to that guy's shop.
But my wife and I discussed it rationally and calmly. Of course she didn't want me to do it. We had a toddler at home! But she didn't shut me down(she knows the racing business pretty well, too), she calmly laid out the pros and cons and left the decision to me.
Your husband knows that his chances of making it big are against him and if he's talented, that hurts.
For every crew chief in NASCAR and for every rock and country star, there are at least a hundred just as talented, just as smart that didn't get there.
Try to understand and be easy on him.


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## kennethk (Feb 18, 2014)

Sorry - Late nights, Booze, Music & women do NOT make for a secure happy wife at home. I would demand he stops drinking AND stop his "band" crap. The band will never make it. I know I'm in the music biz and have seen it all. I repeat - they will never make it. He will continue drinking and he will cheat.

If he doesn't stop divorce him or you will suffer for years THEN divorce him when you fins proof of his cheating.

The excuse of "the band" is like going out "with the girls" for women when in reality they are looking for attention from someone other than their husbands. SELFISHNESS is the key. He does not care about your feelings. He does not care about your insecurity. and you are RIGHT to FEEL those things.

It will end badly. End it now one way or the other.

I demanded my wife stop seeking jobs in show biz that would take place after hours and on weekends as i had a 9-5 M-F job. Why the hell would i want to marry someone who was working when i wasnt? we'd never see each other. stupid. So.. she stopped and joined me at my job in the field but not performing.

The bug came back, she cheated, i caught her, we had a biz together and a 3 year old. She suffered my wrath but stayed and we've been together 30 years. She is well known now, has a career and again now wants to join a rock band. we are empty nesters and spend most of our time together. when she told me, i felt that Pang in the pit of my stomach but chose not to say anything, rather would wait to see how it panned out cause i know most likely it will peter out on its own. She knew how i felt and confronted me. I told her i viewed it a threat to my marriage and reacted based on that. 

I will see what happens. I know it is a minefield waiting to go off. I trust her enough that she wont just go off and blow the deal so she now has the benefit of the doubt.

She used to drink. She was a very mean drunk. I stopped that **** cold. Either me and the kids (3 of them) and the biz or the booze. She hasnt touched alcohol in 3 years. Cold turkey.

Shes worked hard. she deserves the chance. BUT i do not see it going well as I will NOT accept her living the rock n roll life at bars late at night without me and i cant go to all the rehearsals and shows. I've seen many relationships break up over this. The loneliness and insecurity of thinking she is being hit on by guys right and left would drive me mad. No way Jose.

If I were the OP, I would drop the ultimatum NOW. Me or your stupid ****ing band that will never make it and your booze that will kill us both. PERIOD.


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