# Tough Love



## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

It pains me to have to write this but I don't know what to do. Been married 17 years, I am retired military wife is still active duty and much younger than me. When i retired in 2010, she came back active duty to get her retirement which she is now 3 years out. She has deployed three times, twice to Afghan and once to Dubai. Seems after each deployment her sexual desires with me have steadily decreased. to almost zillch! The Dubai deployment was more of a luxury deployment with no bombs falling.

When she was in Dubai her night life was very active because she was in a place that was probably a tourist attraction so to speak. I remember one night in particular when I had tried to reach her on a saturday night, about 10 her time because I hadn't heard from her. I was concerned because I kept calling her on the hour till after 1 her time when she finally answered. She said she was sleep but as the conversation continued it was uncovered that she was out and she made the remark, "I didn't know I had to be in at a certain time" so from there things weren't sitting right with me. I recalled we didn't even have sex before she left, she was fine with getting gone!

I was taking care of my daughter back at home who was about 13 at the time and we had a good time that summer. Well she comes back home and things go back to normal, no love lost. No break for me just continue on with the family life. No more deployments in site.

So to this day she is still active duty and an opportunity has been offered for her to finish her career out in another cushy job but on the opposite coast. My daughter still has 1 year to till graduation so we will not even consider moving her and we've only been at our current duty station for 2 years this month. I fear this would be the end of our marriage because as I stated early on, her sexual desires have absolutely decreased for me. We give a customary kiss in the mornings and upon arrival at home, have always done that but I can tell that's all she desires to do with me.

After I performed oral sex on her the other day, she was absolutely reluctant to do the same for me. I'll blame myself first, maybe there is something about me that she dosen't attract her anymore. I fear if she goes away for a 2 year period, this will be the end of the marriage. I don't want to be selfish and I do support this career advancement. But I think to myself, she gets to go out on her own but I'll have the privilege of staying back to put my daughter through school.

My daughter enjoys doing things with her on saturdays like going to flea markets, target, coscos and those things.
Everything is fine during the day with my wife but when it comes time to lay down at night, we do just that, fall to sleep with a good night peck on the lips which has been customary for years as well.

When she first deployed, it was tough as hell being a single parent and never haven't done it before and my kids were small at the time, the second was a little easier raising the kids, and third time was a joy because it was just me and my daughter and my son had left for the military.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Isn't the marriage over in any case already? A 2 year deployment certainly wouldn't help and face it, you don't trust her. Her lack of desire for you already speaks volumes.

I know, I'm a vet (different army) I won't trust a cold wife around that amount of testosterone, heck I'd have a hard time with any wife being there without me.

It doesn't sound well for your marriage, perhaps you should tell her these concerns as well as that you don't think her time in Dubai was at all that innocent. Lay your cards on the table and see where it goes from there.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

babbles1238 said:


> It pains me to have to write this but I don't know what to do. Been married 17 years, I am retired military wife is still active duty and much younger than me. When i retired in 2010, she came back active duty to get her retirement which she is now 3 years out. She has deployed three times, twice to Afghan and once to Dubai. Seems after each deployment her sexual desires with me have steadily decreased. to almost zillch! The Dubai deployment was more of a luxury deployment with no bombs falling.
> 
> When she was in Dubai her night life was very active because she was in a place that was probably a tourist attraction so to speak. I remember one night in particular when I had tried to reach her on a saturday night, about 10 her time because I hadn't heard from her. I was concerned because I kept calling her on the hour till after 1 her time when she finally answered. She said she was sleep but as the conversation continued it was uncovered that she was out and she made the remark, "I didn't know I had to be in at a certain time" so from there things weren't sitting right with me. I recalled we didn't even have sex before she left, she was fine with getting gone!
> 
> ...


It sounds like another thread, where the wife was having sexual relations with a superior officer.
Maybe she is trying to trade up?


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

and to complicate things, my son who is now 22, was dismissed early from the military in 2 years with an honorable under general conditions discharge and has been living at home with us and my wife absolutely babies him up, motherly love! I will propose to her that if she gets this assignment, and I hope she does, that she take him with her. A dollar to a donut her reaction and answer will be an adamant no! She will want me to take of the household while she goes alone, that would at least keep her grounded


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

babbles1238 said:


> and to complicate things, my son who is now 22, was dismissed early from the military in 2 years with an honorable under general conditions discharge and has been living at home with us and my wife absolutely babies him up, motherly love! I will propose to her that if she gets this assignment, and I hope she does, that she take him with her. A dollar to a donut her reaction and answer will be an adamant no! She will want me to take of the household while she goes alone, that would at least keep her grounded


It sounds like with your daughter getting soon to graduating and an adult son, the two of you will soon be empty nesters. That is often a time of marriage crisis. Keeping things together for the kids is important to many. The next phase of her life, may be on her mind.

One thing you have not talked too much about is how retirement has impacted your life and what your wife's vision of retirement includes? Before you implement your "tough love" strategy, you might want to ask your wife what she wants her life to be like when she is eligible for military retirement? Does she envision traveling with you? Does she want to take up some hobbies, get a job to increase her retirement savings? Does she want to move close to either her daughter or your son? 

In marriage counseling, the Sex Therapist who helped my wife and me had us visualize what a good marriage would be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years would look like. You might want to find out more about her dreams. Does she want to be able to pay for her daughters college education? Does her dream of the future include helping your son financially with a trade school or apprenticeship tool costs, or housing? When she is discharged would she like to buy a big RV and see the US? Start traveling with you overseas? Live more independently from you.

Another thing that many married men who retire first need to guard against is becoming "Nice Guys." A Nice Guy according to Glover in No More Mr. Nice Guy is a co-dependent man, who looks to his wife for personal validation. He is clingy and needy of her time, of sex, and her companionship. Glover in his book suggests that the first step is for Nice Guy's to get a life that is partially independent form their wife, that provides them with satisfaction and a sense of worth and self-confidence. Women usually find that sexy. Since you lamented that you are now doing the single parent thing, is that how you view yourself? Is that how your wife views you? Have you become a "Nice Guy?" You might want to read Glover's book NMMNG and do some introspection before you consider tough love directed toward either your wife or your son.

Good luck.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If you are retired military, then you of all people should know what all goes on during deployments, especially for women. 

You're pretty much being taken for a ride here being a housekeeper and baby sitter while she has her pick of the litter being outnumbered 10:1 by young, fit, lonely and desperately horny men. 

I know many in the military have kind of sense of DADT about what goes on both abroad as well as the homefront during deployments, but it would be one thing if she was laying you like tile when she was home. 

But when she's home, she is still treating you like the nanny and the maid. She's getting her's elsewhere. 

Is this even worth saving????


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

thanks young at heart, thanks for the advice. One thing that is true is, I've not had time to myself. When she has come back from deployments she has had time off but me I keep on with the family thing nonstop. No vacation time, no getaway time!


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

babbles1238 said:


> thanks young at heart, thanks for the advice. One thing that is true is, I've not had time to myself. When she has come back from deployments she has had time off but me I keep on with the family thing nonstop. No vacation time, no getaway time!


You're not getting that time back. Time is the only true commodity we will ever have. You spent yourself looking after your kids. I can't fault that. 

The question is how will you spend what you have left? Self-sacrifice and a slow death? It's not as noble as it's made out to be.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How old is your wife and how old are you? It sounds like you suspect her of cheating while she is away (especially the time in Dubai) - is this what you suspect? The advice you have been given is sound. I come from a military background too - deployments are rife with cheating I am afraid. You need to take control of your own life and start deciding what you want to do for yourself. Your wife may well be on her way out the door in which case you need to start protecting yourself and not putting up with ANY nonsense from her.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> How old is your wife and how old are you? It sounds like you suspect her of cheating while she is away (especially the time in Dubai) - is this what you suspect? The advice you have been given is sound. I come from a military background too - deployments are rife with cheating I am afraid. You need to take control of your own life and start deciding what you want to do for yourself. Your wife may well be on her way out the door in which case you need to start protecting yourself and not putting up with ANY nonsense from her.


Sorry to say, but this is accurate.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

babbles1238 said:


> thanks young at heart, thanks for the advice. One thing that is true is, I've not had time to myself. When she has come back from deployments she has had time off but me I keep on with the family thing nonstop. No vacation time, no getaway time!


As a 70+ year old man, my perspective is that while you have your adult son and soon to be adult daughter under your roof, you should spend as much time as they will let you with them. The grow up move far away and become involved (and overwhelmed) with their own families soon enough.

You can get time for you right now, you just have to work at it. Your time can also include you children (and even your wife). For example I have done endurance bike events and training rides with one of my sons. I have run endurance races with both of children. I have even done 5K events with my wife, children and their partners. You can do Get a Life kinds of things to help you regain your independence from your wife and gain self confidence and include our children in such events.

Don't thinking of Getting a Life as "vacation time" getting awy, etc. It is thing you enjoy that improve you.

Again, figure out your "retirement plan." An Air Force Major once told me he would rather wear out than rust out. I think that is a good way to live one's life.

Good luck to you.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> As a 70+ year old man, my perspective is that while you have your adult son and soon to be adult daughter under your roof, you should spend as much time as they will let you with them. The grow up move far away and become involved (and overwhelmed) with their own families soon enough.
> 
> You can get time for you right now, you just have to work at it. Your time can also include you children (and even your wife). For example I have done endurance bike events and training rides with one of my sons. I have run endurance races with both of children. I have even done 5K events with my wife, children and their partners. You can do Get a Life kinds of things to help you regain your independence from your wife and gain self confidence and include our children in such events.
> 
> ...


May I steal the quote "Rather wear out than rust out"? It's bound to become a classic.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your ages would help. Also, is she the mother of your son?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i do not understand why military members even get married. the deck is stacked against you to have to deploy apart from each other. and one spouse leaving the other home to care for the kids basically like a single parent but WITHOUT any of the benefits of being single....really sucks.

Maybe someone who has been in the military can chime in on why you guys even do it.

Yes, being married, but your spouse living away is really tough on ANY marriage. People get loney, people get horny, people get fed up with being alone. Not sure what the anwer is.

On another thread, someone mentioned that there are marriage aid resources for spouses with a deployed military spouse. Have you sought those out? maybe some group activity with the other spouses would give you a place to find some solutions, some ideas?

Why can she not get "deployed" right where you are now, and you would not have the issue of moving? sounds kind of selfish of her to have to move to the other side of the country right now. Have her justify why this is a good idea! 

might as well know NOW if the marriage is over. at least you can start dating again!
why wait another 2-4 years, and THEN have her divorce you?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Guys (and I suppose women to a lesser degree) that hitch themselves to much younger partners will suffer these types of fates more than the rest...When you have 2 people at other ends of the scale in terms of goals, life experiences, and yes physical appearance and general health, etc,,,you could easily see how that could lead to detachment..

A 55 year old guy in good shape and with his crap together, may look pretty enticing to many 35 year old women...Add 20 years to that, and now that 55 year old woman is kinda "stuck" with an old man approaching 80...She still has plenty of life to live, and depending on where he is at in terms of health and appearance, he is in the proverbial "bottom of the 9th" so to speak...

Speculation on my part admittedly, but as the other poster asked, what ages are we talking about??


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think a good frank conversation with your wife is in order here.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> one spouse leaving the other home to care for the kids basically like a single parent but WITHOUT any of the benefits of being single....really sucks.


So true. Not military, but husband was a trucker coast to coast. It's a BIG ask of anyone, to be left home alone all the time. It can create a lot of resentment, especially when the returning spouse does nothing to make the one whose left behind feel appreciated - even though the home spouse tries to do so for the away one. 

To play devil's advocate, it's possible that the wife in this case simply feels distant, like a stranger. Some connection building may be in order before jumping right into sex.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

hamadryad said:


> Guys (and I suppose women to a lesser degree) that hitch themselves to much younger partners will suffer these types of fates more than the rest...When you have 2 people at other ends of the scale in terms of goals, life experiences, and yes physical appearance and general health, etc,,,you could easily see how that could lead to detachment..
> 
> A 55 year old guy in good shape and with his crap together, may look pretty enticing to many 35 year old women...Add 20 years to that, and now that 55 year old woman is kinda "stuck" with an old man approaching 80...She still has plenty of life to live, and depending on where he is at in terms of health and appearance, he is in the proverbial "bottom of the 9th" so to speak...
> 
> Speculation on my part admittedly, but as the other poster asked, what ages are we talking about??


I agree. I know a few guys from work who are my age (50s early 60s) and either dating or living with women around 29 or 30...35 at most. While the sex is probably freaking awesome (at least for the guy) I can't imagine where the relationship is going?

Of course those women most likely want to be married as eventually the sex will fade yet they can probably still find someone new and cash in on the divorce when they leave the old men. 

30 year age difference is quite a lot. As a guy of course you want to be having sex with some young babe (who wouldn't?) but what else can that relationship really bring him...or her for that matter?


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

Blondilocks said:


> Your ages would help. Also, is she the mother of your son?


52 me vs 41 her, son 22 someone asked why do military members get married?? believe me there are oodles of active duty members married to one another, why does anyone get married?? I am a considered a very fit good looking 55


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dictum Veritas said:


> May I steal the quote "Rather wear out than rust out"? It's bound to become a classic.


Please do, I did, after I first heard it. Just say that it is attributed to a retired US Air Force officer.

Enjoy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's not clear to me what you want here. Are you asking her to get out and forego the same retirement you have? Or are you asking her to stay at this duty station until retirement?

If she stays is she looking at more deployments? Because if so she'll be gone anyway. If you're asking her to get out and not get the retirement you have I think that's a pretty crappy thing to ask. Why should you have retirement but not her because you married someone younger?

I'm ex army and I've seen many instances of people riding out those last couple of years away from the family with visits. If you really think the marriage won't survive it you've got bigger problems.

Let me ask you this: if she gives up retirement and you divorce, how much of yoir retirement will she get? Did she spend the full 10 years of marriage while you were I'm that would get her half?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

babbles1238 said:


> 52 me vs 41 her, son 22 someone asked why do military members get married?? believe me there are oodles of active duty members married to one another, why does anyone get married?? I am a considered a very fit good looking 55


So which is it - 52 or 55?


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## babbles1238 (Jan 14, 2022)

Sorry 52, couldn't edit it but I absolutely support her retirement which is not too far away, Things are very cordial actually but sexually it's just not. She would not deploy in the current duty station which is a good thing but this opportunity is something that came up out of the blue, you know how the military is.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

babbles1238 said:


> Sorry 52, couldn't edit it but I absolutely support her retirement which is not too far away, Things are very cordial actually but sexually it's just not. She would not deploy in the current duty station which is a good thing but this opportunity is something that came up out of the blue, you know how the military is.


Get some marriage counseling and do some deep discussions with her on her and your joint views and goals about retirement. 

My wife and I did some marriage counseling and sex therapy to rebuild out marriage after our adult children left the nest and we became a sex starved marriage. Then before we retired we went into a crash course or educational program on retiring. There are lots of book on what you need to know, which is an enormous amount.

Most retirement programs and seminars just look at cash flow after you leave your major career jobs and start drawing social security or pensions. There is so much more to retirement. There are social aspects. Things you have each put off. Dreams you or your spouse had that have not been fully shared with each other, Expectations on what your retired life will look like. Unsaid medical, who will do what as you become infirm, etc. There are huge legal issues and documents (Wills, legal powers of attorneys, Death instructions, figuring out heirs, charitable gifts, collecting digital end of life information or user names and passwords, etc. that you should prepare. Discussions that you should have with your children. Before retirement, my wife and I took a series of seminars from a local university on "retiring" that included all aspects. We also went to a marriage counselor for a "tune-up" prior to my wife retiring. 

Just as it makes sense to make sure your family vehicle is in good working order before you go on an extended road trip, it makes sense to get your marriage in good working order before one or both retire.

Again, Good luck.


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