# Why my brain will not shut OFF!



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

So Prob. 4 years ago my husband had made out with a x friend a few times. We were having tons of issues back then. Well we have made amazing progress and my mind sometimes just goes and then I just start thinking what the hell else did he do maybe something I dont know about or that he is hiding....:scratchhead:

I just go all around in my head and think OMG I am so stupid.. 
Then when I ask him things like are you being honest that you have been faithful he FREAKS Out with me.. UGH.


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Smartnstuff,
I had similar experiences with my WW and memories. It went away when I focused on myself and my short comings. The more you come to terms with your own personal weakness and the more you work to improve yourself as a person the less likely you will have these thoughts.

For example, I learned about myself through my WW's affair that I was passive when it came to being disrespected by women. I learned that behavior from my grandmother, mother and sister. I no longer take disrespect from women and stand up for myself with them. It has made such an improvement in my life I focus on that success now rather than my WW's short comings.

Elevate yourself and the higher you take yourself the less likely you are to focus on others' shortcomings...


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

That is funny that you say that because I personally have done the same. And now I stick up for myself and always tell him how I feel and why I feel that way but usually get shot down cause he just wants to bury the past way deep away..


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

The issue is betrayal, it doesn't matter what outward progress you make, the inward trauma takes longer to heal..and you're never as trusting as you were before.

or maybe because the issue hasn't been fully dealt with..has it?
Did you get all the details. Where did they kiss (a couple of times), how long did they have a EA for? Did you get a timeline.

Because the situation maybe unresolved, every time an issue comes up or you have any doubts, so do your insecurities.

Certainly dont think your husband "freaking out" is a rational answer to your question.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

_"Look Husband-mine, I'm trying to get through this and I will get through this. If you're my partner you will help me for as long as I need that help. If you insist I get through this alone - by myself then I may have made a big mistake in relying on you as my life-partner. Think about it."_

[don't say another word - certainly no arguments - respond to arguments with your hand in a stop-sign fashion -palm facing him: _"I've said all I'm going to say for tonight"_]


----------



## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

To be honest I don't like the idea of the husband freaking out. It sounds like an aggressive deflecting behaviour because;
A) He IS hiding something and is riddled with guilt and wants you to back off.
B) He can't accept responsibility for what he's done so would prefer to bury it (rugsweep) and doesn't want you reminding him of it.

Either way, it's not an ideal response from someone who is supposed to be working on R.

And you're NOT stupid, remember that!


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> The issue is betrayal, it doesn't matter what outward progress you make, the inward trauma takes longer to heal..and you're never as trusting as you were before.
> 
> or maybe because the issue hasn't been fully dealt with..has it?
> Did you get all the details. Where did they kiss (a couple of times), how long did they have a EA for? Did you get a timeline.
> ...




I am not really sure If I have fully dealt with the situation I mean I feel that I have... Its been 4 years. its weird we have even been around her to the point of I dont care! but then some days I just feel I can't breath and get really insecure and start to over think!!! 

I agree to though I get even more freaked out when he does cause I am like ok is he guilty or is he just done talking about it.


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

I think that I just set my expectations extreme high in life... I help my husband on a peti stool so when stuff like this happens you freak out. This isn't what happens to you just others ya know.. I lost my Best friend too. It was really hard. I cant hold him to this forever I Get that but sometimes it just re surfaces.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

I think you rugswept his affair and did not fully recover.

Without your recovery, reconciliation......won't work out.


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> OP,
> 
> I think you rugswept his affair and did not fully recover.
> 
> Without your recovery, reconciliation......won't work out.


I get that but how do you talk about something with someone who just wants to move forward and not even speak of it... They just dont want to take the steps back they want to move forward. But I am still a little back ya know what I mean..


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Now, sit him down.

Tell him you have not recovered. He needs to cooperate with you in understanding his affair, reasons, ways to deal with it.

As a wayward spouse, he is likely not be willing to answer or respond. Remember, cheaters are liers. You are going to have tough time in believing what he is goingmto say. 

If he is a good spouse and interested in marriage, he will understand your hurt, and do the heavylifting in order for you to recover.

I hope this is clear.

Are you in MC?


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

What is MC? OHHHH duh.. We were in MC in the beg. Now later no. When we went it was awesome but as the years went on we stopped. He was really great with communication then also,


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

WOW...... He really didn't learn Truckgirl.... Really. 

My husband kissed my friend twice.. The first time was her the second time was him. He and I were in a really crappy part in our lives REALLY CRAP! we were both at the verge of doing something we were married young and two kids. We also were really close to this other couple. He said that he did what he did to see if he still loved me. BUT to be honest I think that he did it to see if he still had it and a part of him liked being wanted. 

I have come to terms with things and I even will go to places that she is at and speak with her like nothing happened. Call me crazy I guess. I don't think that I am re hashing what happened I think that he is just doing things to make me think again.

LIke this damn online game where they all meet and talk in forums kinda thing. He is speaking with girls online and even saying things like sweet dreams really? He never talks like that lol. Then going threw his phone this morning I find he had taken a pic of himself without a shirt on what is that? And wth? I am trying to speak in here VS texting him and starting a world of hurt and pissing him off....................


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Smartnstuff said:


> WOW...... He really didn't learn Truckgirl.... Really.
> 
> My husband kissed my friend twice.. The first time was her the second time was him. He and I were in a really crappy part in our lives REALLY CRAP! we were both at the verge of doing something we were married young and two kids. We also were really close to this other couple. He said that he did what he did to see if he still loved me. BUT to be honest I think that he did it to see if he still had it and a part of him liked being wanted.
> 
> ...


Doesn't sound like his time of trying to see if he stil loved you is quite over.

He didn't take that picture of himself without a shirt so he could admire it. That's for someone else to do.


----------



## Smartnstuff (Mar 21, 2013)

I know.... I KNOW!


----------

