# My boyfriend doesn't appear to like to travel or crowds. How do I deal with this?



## lijana (Feb 3, 2016)

h


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm an extrovert. I wouldn't stand in line for hours to see antiques. I would stand in line for hours to ride a roller coaster. What is weird is dating someone for three years and agreeing to marry them without being able to understand them, or really know much about them. If you don't like him, if you don't like going to events with him. If he doesn't like doing things you like to do, stop being engaged to him. Your threads do not read like someone who is in Love.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

get him comfortable around a small circle of friends...and in time you will have to take the small circle of friend with you when you two go to concerts and fairs and any place with big crowds.

it suck having to get a small group together and deal with everyone scheduals but it will make him more comfortable being surrounded by this small group of friends in a sea of strangers.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I hate crowds and waiting in lines, but sometimes you have to. I want to visit Paris too, for example, but if/when we do, we will try to plan for a time where there are fewer people and other tourists. Neither of us like crowds, so we tend to avoid things that draw them, unless the event or activity is worth the nuisance.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Is this the boyfriend you are not sure you want to be with? I think you need to really look inside of yourself and see if this is a relationship you want. It has been 3 years, and it seems like you do not know him very well. Maybe take a break from the relationship so that you can truly find what you want for yourself and the kind of man you want to be married to.

You have a couple of threads already of complaints about him, have you took the advice you have been given to heart? It is ok if couples do not always like to do the same things and well that's where friends come in. 

I think it is time for a serious talk with your boyfriend, about what you want in a husband and what he wants in a wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Is your boyfriend a weirdo?"

My wife doesn't like crowds or certain situations.

So guess what? We avoid them. It is as simple as that.

And my wife is NOT a weirdo. And nor is your boyfriend.

And why do you have several threads attacking him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lijana (Feb 3, 2016)

How can your wife be a good mother if she doesnt like crowds or certain situations. She is an adult, she should get over it. I am an introvert myself and hated asking questions and making attention to myself but I deliberately took a job (audit) where it forced me to get out of my comfort zone and pushed me to talk to people and ask ppl questions.
Unfortunately this world belongs to extroverts and we introverts need to adapt. Of course we can't 100% be like them, but we need to get out of our comfort zones and try things or get over them as we are adults already.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lijana said:


> How can your wife be a good mother if she doesnt like crowds or certain situations. She is an adult, she should get over it. I am an introvert myself and hated asking questions and making attention to myself but I deliberately took a job (audit) where it forced me to get out of my comfort zone and pushed me to talk to people and ask ppl questions.
> Unfortunately this world belongs to extroverts and we introverts need to adapt. Of course we can't 100% be like them, but we need to get out of our comfort zones and try things or get over them as we are adults already.


Judgmental much?


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

I am an INTJ, not a great fan of crowds. My ex is a Brazilian and we went to Rio for New Years Eve years ago because she wanted to. 2 million people on the beach...not my idea of a great time but I did it for her. I did it once, but have no desire to ever do that again.


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## lijana (Feb 3, 2016)

y


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

lijana said:


> My boyfriend is an introvert but extremely so that he doesnt like crowds.
> 
> I told him that I want to go to Europe one day and that I heard in Paris they have a period where the whole night is open for museums.
> 
> ...


Not liking crowds is not extreme. Crowds are largely annoying because they are in your way of moving freely at a freely chosen rate of speed, most if not all good spots are occupied, all require some amount of waiting and crowds of unanticipated size often result in an abundance of litter and disgusting, inadequate, unsanitary conditions and methods of disposal. While waiting in line, absolutely nothing productive or interesting is happening with your life. Not liking those very negative things is not weird at all. Liking them would be weird since they all suck. Being at events that draw a crowd however is often rewarding not for the crowd but for the desirable event.

Is your boyfriend weird? 

That question is so juvenile and unsophisticated as to call into question whether you are old enough or mature enough to be dating at all.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

lijana said:


> I just want to go to a museum,e.g. louvre or eiffel tower, it shouldnt be a crowded place. A museum is a place where introverts should want to go as it is quiet..
> Has anyone been to louvre and eiffel tower and it was really crowded and a long line?


It is crowded, especially during the tourist season. With the Eiffel tower you can avoid the lines if you are willing to take the stairs. But then you will need to wait a while at the 2nd level to get to the top.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

lijana said:


> I just want to go to a museum,e.g. louvre or eiffel tower, it shouldnt be a crowded place. A museum is a place where introverts should want to go as it is quiet..
> Has anyone been to louvre and eiffel tower and it was really crowded and a long line?


I've been to both several times. Yes, there were lines and, yes, they were crowded (I always went as soon as they opened to minimize crowds and lines and that helped somewhat). IMO, they were more than worth it but your boyfriend may never think so. If it's that important to you then consider going by yourself or taking a friend who's as interested as you.


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## lijana (Feb 3, 2016)

I can go on my own or with a friend however it seems highly strange to me that I have a significant other yet am not going with him on a trip like that. 
I dont think he will like it himself if I went on europe on my own, he would be worried and want to go with me..


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Has he ever been evaluated for agoraphobia or social anxiety disorder?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Easy don't travel or go where it's crowded. :nerd:


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## lijana (Feb 3, 2016)

If i died today, and hadnt gone to europe or anywhere, I would be very unhappy.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

lijana said:


> If i died today, and hadnt gone to europe or anywhere, I would be very unhappy.


Then go.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah go. BF can stay home and be the hermit he wants to be. 

Find a hot Spanish guy who you are compatible with and who is sociable and okay in crowds.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

if you are planning to marry this man thinking he will change, you are wrong. He won't. 

Let's get back to the relationship. Why do you feel he is the one? Going to the Eiffel tower is not a generally expected duty of significant others. I did take my wife to a light house last summer. And she walked on the beach with me at low tide (very early in the morning that day). You seem to have a bucket list or punch list of expected activities. Those kind of lists generally get men into trouble. You also have a very narrow opinion of what makes an adult. I would suggest that you start thinking about what makes a relationship. 

When your heart is with the other man (OM), it will always find faults with the committed partner (SO). If you are still shopping you need to release him from the engagement. He might not want you back.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lijana said:


> How can your wife be a good mother if she doesnt like crowds or certain situations. She is an adult, she should get over it. I am an introvert myself and hated asking questions and making attention to myself but I deliberately took a job (audit) where it forced me to get out of my comfort zone and pushed me to talk to people and ask ppl questions.
> Unfortunately this world belongs to extroverts and we introverts need to adapt. Of course we can't 100% be like them, but we need to get out of our comfort zones and try things or get over them as we are adults already.


How can my wife be a good mother?

What a weird question.

We do not have children but she copes with relatives children very well. As it happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lijana said:


> If i died today, and hadnt gone to europe or anywhere, I would be very unhappy.


Actually you would be dead and neither happy or unhappy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you are asking a public forum if your partner is weird, then I don't think you are compatible tbh.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

breeze said:


> If you are asking a public forum if your partner is weird, then I don't think you are compatible tbh.


Especially if you are using offensive terminology like "Weirdo" when you seem to be fully aware your boyfriend is autistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lijana said:


> I just want to go to a museum,e.g. louvre or eiffel tower, it shouldnt be a crowded place. A museum is a place where introverts should want to go as it is quiet..
> Has anyone been to louvre and eiffel tower and it was really crowded and a long line?


Yes, they are both crowded and a long line because the majority of people going to Paris would want to see one or both of them. If you want to find somewhere with few or no people then you'll have to go somewhere that noone else wants to go.

I'm also confused. You have at least one other thread where you pointed out that he doesn't talk to others and doesn't socialize but you now seem surprised that he doesn't like crowds.

I think you have discovered that you really aren't suited to each other. You are lucky that you discovered this while you were engaged and not married.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lijana said:


> I can go on my own or with a friend however it seems highly strange to me that I have a significant other yet am not going with him on a trip like that.
> I dont think he will like it himself if I went on europe on my own, he would be worried and want to go with me..


It does seem highly strange. It seems highly strange that you are engaged to someone that you seem to have little in common with and don't want to move on.

So he would go with you and then not want to go out anywhere? That will be a unique trip and a really great way to waste a whole load of money.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

This type of problem will likely get worse over time just based on how people change over time. Generally, when you're young you like new experiences just because they are new. As you get older, you tend to like doing things that are more familiar. So if he's not interested in doing these types of things now, he'll want to do them even less in the future.

If he's highly motivated he may try to work through these issues so he's more comfortable in crowds, but it's not like he'll become a different person. He'll still dislike crowds, but he'll have tools to handle the situation if he has to be in them. But given his preference, he will prefer to stay home.

If you want to stay with him, you also have to change to be more accepting of his introvert-ness. He'll likely never want to fly to Paris to go to the museums. Either do that yourself or find something else that he would be more comfortable with (go to museums in the local area during off times).


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Especially if you are using offensive terminology like "Weirdo" when you seem to be fully aware your boyfriend is autistic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that's the case then you should definitely break this off. He would be far better off with someone more compassionate.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

I think it depends on to what degree he doesn't like crowds. I'd be willing to bet that roughly 50% of the population doesn't like crowds to a varying degree, but most people are able to tolerate crowded places because they enjoy the activity enough.

Also, I would avoid use terms like "weirdo"? I personally think you're a "weirdo" for wanting validation from people in an online forum that there's something wrong with your BF. 
Why would you do something like that?

I think everyone does or feels something that someone else may consider "weird". Some people think that people who want to go to a louvre to be "weird"

My wife thought that I was "weird" just because I like to play a certain games as an adult, she thought the same about other people who played these games too. But when I found people to play Poker with, she said "at least you're hanging out with 'normal' people now". Guess what? half the people I played Poker with were the same people I played the other card game with.


So, just be careful about using terms like "weird" and "Normal" as well as telling someone "How can she make a good mother if she doesn't' like crowds". Seriously? These things are highly subjective and you come as being really judgmental when you say things like that.


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## lijana (Feb 3, 2016)

I don't know if he is autistic or just an ass...
he pretended to be loud when we were first dating..that is not honest..
if you are a hermit you should say in your dating profile that you are one, not mislead people.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

lijana said:


> I don't know if he is autistic or just an ass...
> he pretended to be loud when we were first dating..that is not honest..
> if you are a hermit you should say in your dating profile that you are one, not mislead people.


Wow. You clearly don't respect him. No he's not weird for not liking crowds. Lots of people hate crowds. Not everyone wants to go to Le Louvre either. He sounds like he's more of a secluded tropical beach kind of guy. You sound very judgmental of him. Please do him a favor and leave him.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lijana said:


> I don't know if he is autistic or just an ass...
> he pretended to be loud when we were first dating..that is not honest..
> if you are a hermit you should say in your dating profile that you are one, not mislead people.


So then finish it and move on. 

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You and he are not compatible. It's as simple as that. You like the mall and he likes the library. Doesn't make him weird or you cool. It just means you are different. Break up with him and find someone you are compatible with.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

lijana said:


> I don't know if he is autistic or just an ass...
> he pretended to be loud when we were first dating..that is not honest..
> if you are a hermit you should say in your dating profile that you are one, not mislead people.


What do you mean, "pretended to be _loud_" ?


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## 85GT-79FJ40 (Feb 13, 2016)

I don't know you but it sure sounds like you're fishing for reasons to break it off. A lot of people dislike crowds. I detest them. I also have social anxiety BAD. And it's one of the reasons my marriage is in trouble and I want to change that. For about 25 years I have avoided social situations with crowds, restaurants, even rarely went to concerts. I thought my wife was fine with it. She said she was. 20 years later I discover she's not. If you don't tackle this now your marriage likely won't work out. If you want to go places and he won't explain why he won't or you just don't understand his point of view you're not compatible. As for me if my wife ever gets back to the point of wanting to be with me outside of just being a dad and a helper in life (which nothing would make me happier right now) you can be damn sure I'm going to tackle my anxiety head-on and get out there and do all the things I wished I had done with her over the last 20 years.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

My husband is the same way. He doesn't like large groups of people and avoids crowded areas like the plague. He struggles with social anxiety and depression. When we first started dating; he was able to hide a lot of this from me; for a full year!! He claimed to be an extrovert, like me. He came to parties with me, social gatherings, he participated in volunteering events with me. Once we were married, it became less and less and more and more difficult for us as a couple.
No, you're boyfriends not weird. BUT if you enjoy doing things like that, and he doesn't.. consider how that will effect your relationship long term.
It is very very very difficult for me, an extrovert, social butterfly, to be married to someone who hates going out, being around people, having people over, etc. It's embarrassing whenever I go out, I go out alone. I have long time friends that have only ever met my husband once or twice. People joke, "do you really have a husband? hes never with you!"; it's painful and hard. I find myself having to cancel or change plans last minute.. make excuses for him as to why he won't come out. I hate it.
Just.... be aware.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lijana said:


> I don't know if he is autistic or just an ass...
> he pretended to be loud when we were first dating..that is not honest..
> if you are a hermit you should say in your dating profile that you are one, not mislead people.


Then do the decent thing and let him go.

I am definitely *not* liking this thread any more.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

His social anxiety will only be the first of the myriad of things you will grow to dislike about him. Soon you will start to despise the stupid way he laughs, or the way he eats, or the way he folds towels.....it will never end, and the list will grow and grow and grow until those little dislikes turn into big resentments. 

Don't tie your life to a man you cannot respect. It's not fair to you or fair to him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lijana said:


> I don't know if he is autistic or just an ass...
> he pretended to be loud when we were first dating..that is not honest..
> if you are a hermit you should say in your dating profile that you are one, not mislead people.


Well can I tell you something? Maybe try finding dates the old fashioned way. Go out and actually meet guys in person. 

Hookup sites are okay, but people lie. They withhold information about their about their looks and likes and personalities in order to cast themselves in the best light. That's what your boyfriend did. 

It's not right that we humans do this, but you know what? It is what we do. We're humans looking for mates, trying our best to fulfill our genetic mandate to reproduce ourselves and pass on our genes. 

From where I sit, you don't like your boyfriend. So why are you still with him? That is the question you.nneed to be asking yourself.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

lijana said:


> How can your wife be a good mother if she doesnt like crowds or certain situations. She is an adult, she should get over it. I am an introvert myself and hated asking questions and making attention to myself but I deliberately took a job (audit) where it forced me to get out of my comfort zone and pushed me to talk to people and ask ppl questions.
> Unfortunately this world belongs to extroverts and we introverts need to adapt. Of course we can't 100% be like them, but we need to get out of our comfort zones and try things or get over them as we are adults already.


Getting out of your comfort zone for work -- to earn money. support your family is admirable.

Getting out of your comfort zone at home, for the people who supposedly love you for who you are is something altogether different. He is who he is. Love him for who he is, or let him find someone who will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

JukeboxHero said:


> What do you mean, "pretended to be _loud_" ?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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