# help: Jealous wife



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I know there is 2 sides to every story and I'm sure I don't completely understand what she is feeling and yes I maybe a lil flirtatious so that probably means that yes I do flirt 

I've always had very little contact with females being my work is all male and my friends are all guy's. I haven't had a female friend since I met my wife 27 yrs ago. Yes she has always been jealous but since female contact has always been minimal it hasn't been that big of a issue.

Now, , , In this past year we've gotten really involved with our child's sport and began the issue. I enjoy organizing our team events and seem to be pretty good at it. I like the praise I get for paying attention to little details which drives me to constantly take it to the next level. So here is the problem TEAM MOMS ! ! ! I hadn't had a female friend in 27 yrs and before I met my wife most of my friends where females. So my wife is extremely upset that I've befriend these woman. She say's I flirt with them and they all flirt back with me. 

My main thing is that I organize the team and make sure everything gets done. Only a few other fathers get involved so most of the time a deal with the moms and I'm sorry but yes I enjoy talking with them but I do not see it as flirting at least not like to talk sexual with them. I talk to them just like I would talk to a guy but that seems to drive my wife crazy. And now it's to a point here I can not even say hello to one of them because my wife goes bazerk ! ! ! It is so bad that she wants to separate because she say's I pay more attention to the team and them. 

And here's my thing, , , I don't think it's fair that she get's to get all upset at me for making friends with these females when she works with men and has male friends at work that she talks with has lunch with and at times goes out with co-workers for drinks. and I don't say nothing about that ! ! !

Any ways sorry for the poor grammar just would like some in put. I'm I in the wrong for befriending females ? I understand that she is upset that I talk better with them then I do with her at times but lately all our conversations turn into arguments with in 10 min which is making this worse because now I don't even want to talk to her because of that. It's a snow ball effect that is getting real bad real fast. 

I hope all this makes sense :scratchhead:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I agreed not to have any casual friendships with the opposite sex our first year of marriage. My husband and I are completely fine with this. 

My hubby is the one who is involved with the sports as well. He's often coached on our daughter's teams. Our children really appreciate this. However, he does not befriend these women. It would be crossing the boundary if he did. That is also extremely disrespectful towards me too, if it were to happen.

I personally would have a very big issue with this. I have a little jealousy in me that was scarred from my first marriage and I ended up marrying a serial cheater.:/. Since my husband has not befriended any women, I have fully trusted him.

My husbands best friends wife had an affair with the kids soccer coach, you can bet these things happen all the time. 

Don't befriend these women. Think of this as a business venture. Do your job and that's it. Your playing with fire by befriending them.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

lost soul said:


> I know there is 2 sides to every story and I'm sure I don't completely understand what she is feeling and yes I maybe a lil flirtatious so that probably means that yes I do flirt
> 
> I've always had very little contact with females being my work is all male and my friends are all guy's. I haven't had a female friend since I met my wife 27 yrs ago. Yes she has always been jealous but since female contact has always been minimal it hasn't been that big of a issue.
> 
> ...


You said "yes I do flirt" so you admit you flirt. I am married to a flirt and let me tell you it is hard. It eventually chips away at your love for someone when the other personal constantly hurts the other. You need to stop or quit even organizing the sports. If you want to save your marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You've already told us that you flirt with these women, so I think that's a possible clue to your wife's jealousy. Talk to them, but stop flirting - it's disrespectful to your wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, it has been my experience that most people who behave like your wife (whether male or female), are usually up to no good themselves so they project their guilt onto their partner.

Maybe she flirts with the men, etc...so she assumes you are flirting with these women.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Flirting is all subjective.

I could smile and say "Hey" to a guy friend and someone could think that I'm flirting. 

IMO, the OP was trying to justify his wife's behavior by admitting guilt. I don't think he flirts.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Thank you for all the replies, it really helps me understand my wife's point of view. I don't consider how I talk to women flirting to me I am being nice courteous and respectful. I don't talk to them with a sexual vibe or through in lil remarks. To me that would be flirting but I'm a guy and understand that women are (unique) LOL and to my wife me talking nice to a women is flirting or disrespectful to her. I just feel it's unfair, I feel like I'm a dog that is to sit by her side and acknowledge that she is my master. I know that a lil extreme, must be the frustration speaking out.

It's a lil hard to treat the team as a business. We are a team/family. I preach to our players that they are family and need to be there for each other no matter what. I tell the Coaches it's not them vs Parents it's everyone working together to be one, We are a team not individuals. And a few of the kids are cousins including mine so we really are Family. My wife is just mad that I talk nicer to some of them more often than she likes and now I'm stuck cause what do I do not talk to them, they will just be "what's wrong"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think your wife is throwing a fit over nothing. It's not like you are close friends with ONE of the women, etc. You are being human and being nice. The eff? She needs to stop it.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Well, what I mean is we don't hang out or go to dinner, chit chat daily on the phone. I should of clarified. Friends hang out and talk to each other frequently.

Being friendly to these women is different then being their friend if you know what I mean.

Ignoring these women and being rude is not cool. I do think your wife is overreacting. You should be able to be normal around these women. You wife is overly jealous though, which will hurt a marriage or any relationship.

I don't expect my husband to be cold towards anyone.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I do not think you should "befriend" the sport mom's. There's a big difference between organizing the events... calling one of the mom's & say, hey, you're incharge of drinks this time... Then calling them & chatting for 10 mins.

Sure, at the event if someone starts talking to you.. I'm not saying to completely blow them off. But if the conversation goes farther than the sporting event, or general talk (weather, politics, local civil issues).. make sure your wife is in the conversation, or another person. Do not talk one-on-one in a "lets be friends" kind of mode with any female other than your wife.

You are setting yourself up to finding an emotional affair going on.

Edit.. Oh: and I'd bet that the lunches at work, that she is not having lunch with a male coworker & her alone. That it is not "but he's my friend" situation. I'd bet that the going out for drinks with co-workers is a group & is NOT her going out & trying to be friends with one male.


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

lost soul said:


> I know there is 2 sides to every story and I'm sure I don't completely understand what she is feeling and yes I maybe a lil flirtatious so that probably means that yes I do flirt
> 
> I've always had very little contact with females being my work is all male and my friends are all guy's. I haven't had a female friend since I met my wife 27 yrs ago. Yes she has always been jealous but since female contact has always been minimal it hasn't been that big of a issue.
> 
> ...


Now forgive me that I did not take the time a read all the other comments on here. Here are my suggestions: 

1) Ask her to take some time and be more involved in the sports.

2) Start counseling, there should never be one way streets. If she can have friends of the opposite sex than so can you. 

3) If you feel that you cant talk to her without arguing, start writing her letters to express your feelings for her, the situation, and your standing on the relationship with her and friendship with them. 

I hope this helps and things work out for you.


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## MrsSloPok (Nov 12, 2012)

My husband and me have an understanding that neither of us need to have opposite sex friends that we hang out with, talk/text on a regular basis, etc. We both ( thankfully ) agree that you don't have to look for an affair for one to happen. All it takes is you & that other person for something to happen without meaning to. With that being said, she can't expect you to cut your life off because it may mean that you have to talk to women from time to time. I have not a problem with my husband having phone numbers of women co-workers and they may have to call him and ask him about the job or something. But my husband doesn't hang with these women outside of work and other than work related calls, they don't call him. She can't be that selfish it just doesn't work that way.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

After reading the last post I realize I've step over my boundary. It wasn't with intent but never the less I think I'm guilty. During tournaments all the parents have a job we do. Mine and another women is to set up the snacks and drinks in between the games. So during the games we sit chit chat watch the game while others are involved in the game including my wife. I didn't think nothing of it, we where just waiting for our turn to do something. 

Man this fkn sux ! ! ! I still feel as though I did nothing wrong. If it was a guy it would of been okay. I would of still been talking the same way. More or less I guess , , , **** ! ! ! I have no issues with my wife talking with other guy's I trust that she will behave and if not well wut can I do but move on but that's on her. 

"Emotional affair" I think that's worse then a sexual affair because that's more of a love thing and the other is lust which is gone as soon as you orgasm. Anyways Thank you lady's but one more question. Is it wrong to enjoy talking with the opposite sex in a normal conversation ? Would you rather have a conversation with a man or woman ?


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

I think I am the only one on here that has no issues with male/female friendships. As long as it is just that. My husband has female friends and I have male friends. As long as you keep it as friends. There should not be an issue with talking to the opposite sex. Hanging out with them alone on the other hand, I can see where people can get upset. However, having a conversation with them, there should not be an up roar. 

It is not like you are going out of your way to engage in conversation with them, you are not sneaking around, and you are not telling your wife that she can not be involved or around when these conversations are being done. I do not see that you did anything wrong especially since she goes out for drinks with male coworkers, you should not be punished for conversations with moms during childrens sporting events. That is just me.


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## kea2011 (Jun 6, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> I do not think you should "befriend" the sport mom's. There's a big difference between organizing the events... calling one of the mom's & say, hey, you're incharge of drinks this time... Then calling them & chatting for 10 mins.
> 
> Sure, at the event if someone starts talking to you.. I'm not saying to completely blow them off. But if the conversation goes farther than the sporting event, or general talk (weather, politics, local civil issues).. make sure your wife is in the conversation, or another person. Do not talk one-on-one in a "lets be friends" kind of mode with any female other than your wife.
> 
> ...


this may me find but him having general conversation with the opposite sex in front of the crowd is doing nothing wrong. What is he supposed to do if it goes passed the subjects you listed? Say oh hold on I can't continue this conversation with you unless my wife is present and leave to go get her? that is completely crazy. hes not sneaking off to conversant with these women privately and hes not going behind her back. I do not think he has done anything wrong and she is WAY over reacting. based on what is written it does not look as though she tells this group of people for lunch and drinks oh im sorry this is not appropriate because my husband is not present. If it is ok for her to do lunch and drinks that involve other men he can have a public conversation in front of everyone with his childs team mates parent with out his wife present. she needs to find out why she has the need for such control over him.


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## MrsSloPok (Nov 12, 2012)

Its not wrong to want to have conversations with the opposite sex, but knowing you...is it smart?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

lost soul said:


> Anyways Thank you lady's but one more question. Is it wrong to enjoy talking with the opposite sex in a normal conversation ? Would you rather have a conversation with a man or woman ?


No.. not wrong to enjoy conversation with anyone. Just know the boundries. Personally, I would rather converse with another woman,... if it's "just conversing". etc... But, yes, I do not shy away from talking to a man. I'm not rude.

But.. being friends, buddy buddy, with a female other than your wife is just iffy. Especially if your wife is a little insecure or lower self esteme. Like MrsSloPak said. An emotional affair does not have have to be sought after. Sometimes it just happens & they didn't plan it. The clue is to know how to spot if the emotions are getting slightly too friendly.

Okay... I worded my earlier statement wrong..
If it goes beyond normal conversation.. He needs to set paramaters with wife on what she is comfortable with. I mean, if he converses same as if she were standing right there. If he can openly text or call this woman right infront of his wife, without her being jealous... then he's okay. The problem is setting up a situation where one may misconstrue that things are getting too friendly.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I don't see why you got friendly with the women in the first place, knowing how your wife would react. Now, you're throwing your hands up, saying you've done nothing wrong. And while that very well may be true, you still knew that your wife would be jealous. Your wife's jealousy is her problem, but I don't see why you'd add fuel to the fire in this case, and then wonder why she's so upset?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Keep in mind that you're on a forum that is based upon issues within marriage and relationships. The advice you will receive is going to be skewed because of the "target market" of this forum. It's not bad, it's just reality.

Opposite sex friendships are GREATLY frowned upon here because there are SO MANY stories of OS friendships turning into affairs.

Your situation is different. The term "friend" is EXTREMELY subjective. The "friend" who's dangerous to a relationship is the one that has a very strong relationship with one of the members of the marriage and the person in the marriage becomes emotionally invested with the "friend". 

It sounds like you don't have "friends", it sounds like you have friendly acquaintances. There's a HUGE difference. I'm not a fan of "super close best friends" who are of the opposite sex, it ALMOST always leads to romantic feelings. I have ZERO issues with being "friendly" with someone of the opposite sex. Your wife is "friendly" with guys from work and you're "friendly" with these women.

You have done nothing wrong. Just be HONEST about if you are flirting or not and cut that out if you are, THAT'S inappropriate. But your wife's jealousy is what I see as a bigger issue here. Usually when someone is extremely jealous, they're either very insecure (needing counseling) or doing something themselves (projecting). Next time she riles up. You have EVERY right to call her out on it. Find out what SHE'S doing to make her think that way. Maybe her friends from work are more than friends.....


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Chelle D said:


> Edit.. Oh: and I'd bet that the lunches at work, that she is not having lunch with a male coworker & her alone. That it is not "but he's my friend" situation. I'd bet that the going out for drinks with co-workers is a group & is NOT her going out & trying to be friends with one male.


I'm sorry I didn't mean going to lunch like go to a restaurant. They have a cafeteria where they all can eat. I'm just think when she get's her break she sits with which ever coworker she knows male or female. And I have no issue with that. And no she does not try to get the attention of any one individual. But I found out women talk nasty by going with there group of friends so it did cross my mind that she maybe some what the same at work but I wasn't to concerned. If she has enough love for me i'm ok if not then there it is.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> I don't see why you got friendly with the women in the first place, knowing how your wife would react. Now, you're throwing your hands up, saying you've done nothing wrong. And while that very well may be true, you still knew that your wife would be jealous. Your wife's jealousy is her problem, but I don't see why you'd add fuel to the fire in this case, and then wonder why she's so upset?


good point

This women and her husband where helping organize the team, we've known them for several years and my wife and I are friends with both of them. We all my wife included work together on organizing the team. They've come over several times after work to help and staid for dinner , , , and watch a movie.
So I thought everything was okay, my wife is friends with her I guess I can talk to her. :scratchhead: WROOONG that's why I feel I did nothing wrong. My wife is involved with the team it's not like she just watches she has a role she needs to fulfill. The reason I talk with this women is because our roles crossed paths so we need to work together. 

It sound like I'm looking for excuses. I love my wife and even with all her craziness I want to be with her fore ever. It's just harder sometimes.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I understand your point, but I also understand your wife, too. When we started dating, my husband used to say all kinds of things about a female friend he had, and it caused (me) a lot of jealousy. That's a complete other story all on its own, but let's stick with the jealousy issue for me. Once that can of worms was opened, it was very hard to close. It's like putting toothpaste back inside the tube! So since I have jealous tendencies now, he MUST avoid getting too friendly with other women. If he doesn't, we risk going down that horrible road again, and neither of us want that. IMO, a small price to pay. He shouldn't be having any of his needs fulfilled by any other woman anyway...


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I understand your point, but I also understand your wife, too. When we started dating, my husband used to say all kinds of things about a female friend he had, and it caused (me) a lot of jealousy. That's a complete other story all on its own, but let's stick with the jealousy issue for me. Once that can of worms was opened, it was very hard to close. It's like putting toothpaste back inside the tube! So since I have jealous tendencies now, he MUST avoid getting too friendly with other women. If he doesn't, we risk going down that horrible road again, and neither of us want that. IMO, a small price to pay. He shouldn't be having any of his needs fulfilled by any other woman anyway...


I'm going to assume CG that your husband didn't have safe boundaries, and that's a problem and I completely agree that from that point forward he shouldn't have female friends. I'm also assuming you don't have male friends.

From what Lost Soul is saying, he doesn't cross over boundaries, it's just his wife's insecurities or projections. And she HAS male friends. That is where the problem lies. I'm sorry, as "easy" as it would be for Lost Soul to pander to his wife's issues, it's not fair, right or healthy. It doesn't even sound like Lost Soul is going out for lunches or anything. He's just friendly at the sporting events. If I were Lost Soul, my wife and I would have issues because of her double standards.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

So all day long I been talking to my self in my head trying to figure out how can such a small thing possibly end my marriage. This just seems insane how to me a simple sporting event can turn into such a nightmare. I get that my wife is hurt because I was able to speak with another woman so open and friendly. And I believe she doesn't think we are trying to start a relationship. It's just the fact I talk well with the woman. Like CG said "He shouldn't be having any of his needs fulfilled by any other woman anyway..." 

I looked up flirting and I do not flirt but what I believe I do is seek attention. I go way beyond what's called for to organize the team in order a get praise on how well of a job I do. And yes it's more flattering coming from a woman than it is from a man. My wife is in the room hurt and crying and the only thing I can think of doing to correct this is quit the team. I enjoy coaching my child and organizing the team but it seems to be at such a great cost that it is not worth it a Pyrrhic Victory ! ! ! Woman are so unique


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I'm going to assume CG that your husband didn't have safe boundaries, and that's a problem and I completely agree that from that point forward he shouldn't have female friends. I'm also assuming you don't have male friends.
> 
> From what Lost Soul is saying, he doesn't cross over boundaries, it's just his wife's insecurities or projections. And she HAS male friends. That is where the problem lies. I'm sorry, as "easy" as it would be for Lost Soul to pander to his wife's issues, it's not fair, right or healthy. It doesn't even sound like Lost Soul is going out for lunches or anything. He's just friendly at the sporting events. If I were Lost Soul, my wife and I would have issues because of her double standards.


I'd say that right now, I only have male acquaintances. People from work that my husband has met (no time is spent alone with these guys, that's for sure). The only other friend I had that was a man (before H) is now a friend to both of us. The two of them exchanged #s, how cute, and said friend doens't think it's appropriate to be calling me anymore so he calls H. I agree with that 100%.

But ya, OPs 'friendships' are probably just acquaintances. Wife's jealousy needs to be addressed.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I'd say that right now, I only have male acquaintances. People from work that my husband has met (no time is spent alone with these guys, that's for sure). The only other friend I had that was a man (before H) is now a friend to both of us. The two of them exchanged #s, how cute, and said friend doens't think it's appropriate to be calling me anymore so he calls H. I agree with that 100%.
> 
> But ya, OPs 'friendships' are probably just acquaintances. Wife's jealousy needs to be addressed.


I don't have any male friends. I don't see the need for them and my husband doesn't have any female friends. Sometimes its good to keep things simple because life is so frustrating and complicated without any added stressors.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Amyd said:


> I don't have any male friends. I don't see the need for them and my husband doesn't have any female friends. Sometimes its good to keep things simple because life is so frustrating and complicated without any added stressors.


I agree. My husband can't have female friends. Two out of the three he did have, were 'interested'. FLUSH down the toilet they went.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I agree. My husband can't have female friends. Two out of the three he did have, were 'interested'. FLUSH down the toilet they went.


That's usually the case. If my husband want's to talk about girl stuff he can talk to me. LOL


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Just out of curiosity, what if youre bisexual? You're not supposed to have friends whatsoever or how does that work out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bonnie (Nov 16, 2012)

they did a study on cosmos radio and said that it is not possible for men and woman to just be friends...lol....my hubby and I stick to same sex friends. I don't feel comfortable with otherwise, but he talks to females on Facebook. Listen to her, hear what she says. I would just keep it short with the other moms.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Open up now let it all go said:


> Just out of curiosity, what if youre bisexual? You're not supposed to have friends whatsoever or how does that work out?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


now I'm really confused LOL you just added to my problems :rofl:


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Bonnie said:


> they did a study on cosmos radio and said that it is not possible for men and woman to just be friends...lol....my hubby and I stick to same sex friends. I don't feel comfortable with otherwise, but he talks to females on Facebook. Listen to her, hear what she says. I would just keep it short with the other moms.


 I agree, , , men are dogs. It prob woulda turned into something. I'm not saying I would ever want, try or wish that it would but we're dogs what else would you expect to happen.:ezpi_wink1:


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## Bonnie (Nov 16, 2012)

I wouldnt lower all men to that standard. I would expect respect, and if your enjoying something too much I would expect for you to stop, so that nothing would happen.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Another thought/viewpoint - My husband had a woman he worked with and became friends with. No sex talk, just friendship. They talked about cars, sports, etc. At lunch together. 

He was supposed to meet her to help her look at a car. He asked if I wanted to tag along and I did. She didn't know I was coming. When I saw her face, it was clear it disappointed her that I was there and that he had invited me. She had really misunderstood the context of their meeting that day (hubby is a big flirt without trying so this didn't surprise me). 

I explained to him what I saw and that I didn't like how she was perceiving his attention. Hubby backed off and she ended up going ballistic (hell hath no fury?), which proved my point. 

So, your wife may also be seeing the reactions of the other women and it may not entirely be that YOU are the only issue. Why not respect her concerns and keep the interactions WITHOUT the flirting?


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Basically know my place to keep the peace, I've never been the sought after guy but have noticed over the years some of the moms have followed me around and most of the time my wife would tease me about. That older women always seem to be attracted to me. I would just laugh and tell her, standards must drop as they get older. :banghead: know that I think about it this woman is a lil younger than us :scratchhead: Wow I was so blind. I was just so focused on my child the team and get everything organized I didn't realize how things looked to my wife or others. But there is also the fact my wife is free to have male close acquaintances at work and it is a large facility with a lot of organizations interacting. If I was as jealous as she was we would of been over a long time ago.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

My husband & I both coached & were active in children's sports for many years. Nobody was jealous of other parents. We did enjoy the company of some of the parents but looking back it was all so innocent & absolutely no flirting was going on. We also realized that all of these parents were not "true" friends. Just a group of people that came together for a common goal (our children/sports) & once the "season" or activity ended, we would part company.

Something you are doing is bothering your wife. Maybe you are overly enthusiastic about being invloved. Maybe you are mentioning the soccer Moms at home outside of the activity. Maybe you are hanging out with the Moms at the events more than the Dads.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Emerald said:


> My husband & I both coached & were active in children's sports for many years. Nobody was jealous of other parents. We did enjoy the company of some of the parents but looking back it was all so innocent & absolutely no flirting was going on. We also realized that all of these parents were not "true" friends. Just a group of people that came together for a common goal (our children/sports) & once the "season" or activity ended, we would part company.
> 
> Something you are doing is bothering your wife. Maybe you are overly enthusiastic about being invloved. Maybe you are mentioning the soccer Moms at home outside of the activity. Maybe you are hanging out with the Moms at the events more than the Dads.


 Yes that is exactly it ! and I get that she got jealous because I got along with some of the moms and enjoyed talking with them. Yes it's my fault for not realizing how much it bothered her before it got to this point. It's so bad she wants to separate because she believes that the mom is infatuated with me and I want to be with her. WTF :banghead: REALLY I'm think how embarrassing to have to explain that we got divorced because I made acquaintances with our team moms ! ! My wife is being irrational right now and I am really afraid that she may loss control and go off on this mom at a game and make an ass out of us. This is turning into a huge mess. I can not believe that this is going this far and I cannot do nothing about it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Another thought/viewpoint - My husband had a woman he worked with and became friends with. No sex talk, just friendship. They talked about cars, sports, etc. At lunch together.
> 
> He was supposed to meet her to help her look at a car. He asked if I wanted to tag along and I did. She didn't know I was coming. When I saw her face, it was clear it disappointed her that I was there and that he had invited me. She had really misunderstood the context of their meeting that day (hubby is a big flirt without trying so this didn't surprise me).
> 
> ...


This has been my experience in our marriage.
Both my wife and I have OSF.
Both of us can and do invite ourselves and each other anytime, anywhere, we there are OSF.

I think its a great way to " filter out" undesirable " friends."


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well I'm probably setting myself up to be shot down here but if his wife does not want him to have aquaintances at sports meetings he should not be ok with her having work aquaintances and drinks after work.
I'm sorry but it cuts both ways as far as I'm concerned. If she feels a lack of trust in his judgement she should feel what the lack of trust feels like.
When he tells her no more drinks after work and no more friendships she will say "but it's different, nothing is going to happen" he can say "exactly my point". You don't trust me I don't trust you.

Also not saying his wife is doing anything inappropriate but there is page after page on this site where a wayward spouse projects their wayward behaviour onto their faithful spouse.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

"I don't want you talking to those soccer moms anymore"

"By the way I'm out for drinks with the lads from work, don't wait up":scratchhead:


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

id leave her

she can go out for drinks and lunch dates but you cannot talk to other women?

lol

she has issues!! i hope this does not become worse. Extremely jealous people are horrible to deal with and often the biggest hypocrites around.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she kind of revealing what's going on when she's goes out for drinks? Is she projecting her and others behavior there onto you?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lost soul said:


> I know there is 2 sides to every story and I'm sure I don't completely understand what she is feeling and yes I maybe a lil flirtatious so that probably means that yes I do flirt
> 
> I've always had very little contact with females being my work is all male and my friends are all guy's. I haven't had a female friend since I met my wife 27 yrs ago. Yes she has always been jealous but since female contact has always been minimal it hasn't been that big of a issue.
> 
> ...


Reassure her that you're not interested in sexing any other woman but her. Then tell her that you enjoy your casual team-mom interactions, and that these interaction won't be changing. Reminder her that you've dealt with her casual male friendships, and that you expect the same consideration. Tell her this will be the last conversation you have with her about this topic, and be done with it.

She'll either eventually shut up, or leave you. Either way you'll have an answer.



kea2011 said:


> I think I am the only one on here that has no issues with male/female friendships. As long as it is just that. My husband has female friends and I have male friends. As long as you keep it as friends. There should not be an issue with talking to the opposite sex. Hanging out with them alone on the other hand, I can see where people can get upset. However, having a conversation with them, there should not be an up roar.


You're not the only one. My wife and I don't police friendships. We never have. I'm meeting a good female friend next week for a dinner and a movie. The level of paranoia, and rules, surrounding opposite sex friends might work for some marriages, but it sure wouldn't work for ours. We believe in full, 100% trust. We always have. I've never cheated on my wife, nor have I ever even been remotely close. And if I do ever cheat on her it won't be because I went to the movies with a female friend. There are beautiful women everywhere. It's not hard to cheat with a stranger at all.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Well, I used to trust and say that OSF were fine, until my H got a crush on his co worker, and it about crashed the marriage.
Ah, the grass is always greener.

Now, after 25 years, I was completely disinterested in his friends,
not uninterested, disinterested.
Now, sadly, at times I do feel jealousy, it is a truely terrible feeling. Not a way I'd want to live my life....

I don't know why you are throwing your hands up in the air and acting clueless. You seem perfectly smart, and perfectly willing to blame your wife for this problem 100%.

You knew your wife's is prone to being jealous. Of all the issues you can have in your marriage, (money, health, family) why create ones??
Something sounds not right here....


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DocHoliday said:


> Something sounds not right here....


Something does sound "not right" here.

It's all the posters telling a grown man that he should never have a female friend because he "knows how his wife is"...

Meanwhile very, very little is being said about the fact this same woman has public conversations with male co-workers and friends.

The only thing off about the OP is his insistence that he's done something wrong, or shameful, when in fact, going by the info given, he hasn't. He seems to be bending over backward to assign unearned guilt to himself.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Well I'm probably setting myself up to be shot down here but if his wife does not want him to have aquaintances at sports meetings he should not be ok with her having work aquaintances and drinks after work.
> I'm sorry but it cuts both ways as far as I'm concerned. If she feels a lack of trust in his judgement she should feel what the lack of trust feels like.
> When he tells her no more drinks after work and no more friendships she will say "but it's different, nothing is going to happen" he can say "exactly my point". You don't trust me I don't trust you.
> 
> Also not saying his wife is doing anything inappropriate but there is page after page on this site where a wayward spouse projects their wayward behaviour onto their faithful spouse.


This is the crux of the issue for me as well. I'm sorry but Lost Soul's wife's jealousy is out of bounds. I'm sure there's more "flirting" going on over drinks etc. than at the soccer field. 

Now is there SOME possible ownership of the issue on Lost Soul's part, sure. He shouldn't be flirty. BUT THAT'S IT. What? He's not allowed to talk to other parents (who happen to be women) at the sporting events etc. That's not a healthy relationship, that's totally controlling and disrespectful.

Part of this whole OSF debate is how you define friend. But I won't go down that path anymore. Lost Soul seems to have OSA (acquaintance) not "friends".


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Part of this whole OSF debate is how you define friend. But I won't go down that path anymore. Lost Soul seems to have OSA (acquaintance) not "friends".


Thank you. I have some excellent friendships, and a couple of them are with women. I know what a _real _OS friendship looks like. One of my OSF, a woman who is old enough to be my mother, is one of my closest friends. We talk every couple of months on the phone, and can fill up 3+ hours of conversation catching up. She lives back home, but whenever I'm in town I try to get together with her for lunch...alone. Another OSF, who my wife use to call my "work wife", and I meet up every once in a while for dinner and a film, or theatre. These are real OSF, the kind that would cause the typical TAMer to clutch their pearls in horror.

What the OP has going on are NOT a real opposite sex friendships. If his wife can't handle those petty interactions, she's got a problem and he needs to stop entertaining her lunacy.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

The problem is still going on. We've had real low low's ( I almost left) and real high high's ( She tried using sex) I think she vented most of it out to where I can joke with her about it though some times it back fires and turns into a small tornado. The bad part it the season is about to start again and we do spring,summer,fall. I even went as far as announcing that I would not be able to organize the team this year. My wife told me I need to , , , that things would just fall apart.

I come on here to vent out my troubles and see what others thoughts are. I try to find out if im just full a chet and a total dumbass. Thank you for all your replies. For me most things are black and white but I do get that others are blinded by emotion and don't see the common sense of things.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> And here's my thing, , , I don't think it's fair that she get's to get all upset at me for making friends with these females when she works with men and has male friends at work that she talks with has lunch with and at times goes out with co-workers for drinks. and I don't say nothing about that ! ! !


In here lies your problem mate... You should actually say what you need to say. Your wife doesn't have a problem stepping up when she feels a threat. How about you?

Could it be that the reason why she doesn't like it is that she knows what is going on in those women's minds? Could it be that she herself has been having such thoughts and now doesn't like to be in the other side? Think on that, long and hard.

This whole inversion of male and female roles when a woman forbids her husband from talking to other women while she hangs out with other men isn't healthy. Stomp it out before it goes really bad.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lost soul said:


> Thank you for all the replies, it really helps me understand my wife's point of view. I don't consider how I talk to women flirting to me I am being nice courteous and respectful. I don't talk to them with a sexual vibe or through in lil remarks. To me that would be flirting but I'm a guy and understand that women are (unique) LOL and to my wife me talking nice to a women is flirting or disrespectful to her. I just feel it's unfair, I feel like I'm a dog that is to sit by her side and acknowledge that she is my master. I know that a lil extreme, must be the frustration speaking out.
> 
> It's a lil hard to treat the team as a business. *We are a team/family. I preach to our players that they are family and need to be there for each other no matter what.* I tell the Coaches it's not them vs Parents it's everyone working together to be one, We are a team not individuals. And a few of the kids are cousins including mine so we really are Family. My wife is just mad that I talk nicer to some of them more often than she likes and now I'm stuck cause what do I do not talk to them, they will just be "what's wrong"


I get what you are preaching but here in lies the the problem. You are trying to link to an extended family. IMO you indeed should treat this as a business. The tream can feel like siblings but you are taking this to an extreme level. You need to have better boundaries.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> Well I'm probably setting myself up to be shot down here *but if his wife does not want him to have aquaintances at sports meetings he should not be ok with her having work aquaintances and drinks after work.*
> I'm sorry but it cuts both ways as far as I'm concerned. If she feels a lack of trust in his judgement she should feel what the lack of trust feels like.
> When he tells her no more drinks after work and no more friendships she will say "but it's different, nothing is going to happen" he can say "exactly my point". You don't trust me I don't trust you.
> 
> Also not saying his wife is doing anything inappropriate but there is page after page on this site where a wayward spouse projects their wayward behaviour onto their faithful spouse.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lost soul said:


> The problem is still going on. We've had real low low's ( I almost left) and real high high's ( She tried using sex) I think she vented most of it out to where I can joke with her about it though some times it back fires and turns into a small tornado. The bad part it the season is about to start again and we do spring,summer,fall. I even went as far as announcing that I would not be able to organize the team this year. My wife told me I need to , , , that things would just fall apart.
> 
> I come on here to vent out my troubles and see what others thoughts are. I try to find out if im just full a chet and a total dumbass. Thank you for all your replies. For me most things are black and white but I do get that others are blinded by emotion and don't see the common sense of things.


1) Just make sure your activities as coach stay professional. Yeah I know you are not paid. Not the point. Chill with these ladies. Put up some additional boundaries. Stay focused on running the team.

2) If she is going to go for drinks after work you should probably be with her. That is the way we handle this stuff.

The issue may be related to one another but you should approach them specifically.

It does seem she has a double standard here. You need to get this trued up. 

Do His Needs Her Needs together. Discuss, agree upon and implement better boundaries. Firmer boundaries because it seems what you both have are not agreeable to the other. Fix that. 

This needs to be leveled up.

There is nothing that says she needs to continue going for drinks with these guys any more.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

I've had to fight against jealousy before. In my marriage, it has been my own. I've come to a healthy place with the help of my husband and some really hard work. Here is what i will tell you for sure; the more you give in to a jealous person, the more they will need from you to feel secure. If you stop talking to women, the moment you speak to any woman, she will suspect something, because "why her". If you quit being part of the sporting event, then every time she is unsure and doesn't want you to do something, she will expect that you yield, if you don't she will ask herself "why is this so important" and it will only fuel the ideas in her head. 

At the same time not all jealousy or paranoia if you will is delusional. Sometimes, we do sense something when we witness our partners' behavior. It's not paranoia if it's real type of thing.

So do i think you have done or are doing anything wrong? NO.
Do I think you should avoid everything that gets her jealous because she is your wife and you love her? NO.
BUT I do think you need to be very mindful of her insecurities and fears and how what you did can influence them. You knew who you were marrying, and perhaps you get something from it. Either way, you need to really know yourself and your limits. This thread started with you doing some normal friendly socializing with team moms, but if you look it became about one woman you like to talk to. Examine that. Do you "like" this mom more than the others? If you weren't married would you jump at the chance? Just think about it and then determine what behavior you need to adjust, if any. Because i will tell you this, the jealous person is always vigilant, and the moment you give them "evidence" of wrongdoing you will be paying for it dearly.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lost soul said:


> Yes that is exactly it ! and I get that she got jealous because I got along with some of the moms and enjoyed talking with them. Yes it's my fault for not realizing how much it bothered her before it got to this point. *It's so bad she wants to separate because she believes that the mom is infatuated with me and I want to be with her.* WTF :banghead: REALLY I'm think how embarrassing to have to explain that we got divorced because I made acquaintances with our team moms ! ! My wife is being irrational right now and I am really afraid that she may loss control and go off on this mom at a game and make an ass out of us. This is turning into a huge mess. I can not believe that this is going this far and I cannot do nothing about it.


I know that you posted a month ago, but can you explain this. She really suggested separating because she thought you wanted a woman who had a crush on you? What is the background about how she came to this conclusion? 

Frankly, it seems like an over-reaction.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Ina said:


> I've had to fight against jealousy before. In my marriage, it has been my own. I've come to a healthy place with the help of my husband and some really hard work. Here is what i will tell you for sure; the more you give in to a jealous person, the more they will need from you to feel secure. If you stop talking to women, the moment you speak to any woman, she will suspect something, because "why her". If you quit being part of the sporting event, then every time she is unsure and doesn't want you to do something, she will expect that you yield, if you don't she will ask herself "why is this so important" and it will only fuel the ideas in her head.
> 
> At the same time not all jealousy or paranoia if you will is delusional. Sometimes, we do sense something when we witness our partners' behavior. It's not paranoia if it's real type of thing.
> 
> ...


 :iagree: That's the cold hard truth rite there :smthumbup: I know I can't back down but her jealousy and paranoia level is at max rite now and EVERYTHING seems to boil down to me liking this other woman. I tell her she needs counseling but of course that's not what she wants to her. 

She is threatening me to a divorce, In the beginning of all this I thought that was crazy but now I'm getting tired of her flipping out on me over every little thing she comes across and a couple of times planned how I would leave. That's not the way I seen it going.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

lost soul said:


> :iagree: That's the cold hard truth rite there :smthumbup: I know I can't back down but her jealousy and paranoia level is at max rite now and EVERYTHING seems to boil down to me liking this other woman. I tell her she needs counseling but of course that's not what she wants to her.
> 
> She is threatening me to a divorce, In the beginning of all this I thought that was crazy but now I'm getting tired of her flipping out on me over every little thing she comes across and a couple of times planned how I would leave. That's not the way I seen it going.


One of two things is likely going on here. Either she's so unstable and disrespectful of you and your marriage that she would seriously threaten to blow it all up.... or... she has at minimum given serious thought to doing what she is accusing you of - thus giving her the perspective and world-view of a cheating spouse. 

Either way this is a *major* s**t test and attempt to exert control over you at all costs on her part. I dare to say the course and tone of the REST OF YOUR LIFE will be defined by how you respond to this. Stand your ground and call her bluff, or cave in to her and established that you will always be in a subservant position to her every whim.

It's your move.

The power in a relationship often goes to the one who more willing to give it up.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Holy crap ! ! ! My wife is convinced this woman has a fatal attraction for me. I think my wife is nuts ! ! ! So we had a team meeting and the woman's husband tells my wife the that his wife will be dropping of a christmas gift in the morning. Sure enough she comes by and I get the door and think oh fk this is BAD. I keep it short take the gift and say thanks. My wife starts to slowly flip out then finally tells me to throw the gift away , , , WTF 

She looked so ugly to me , not physically but her soul. She has no proof of her beliefs only assumptions. I was willing to go with it and apologies for not giving her 1000% of my attention and cut the communication with this woman to minimum but even that is not good enough for her. 

Is there anyone who gets like this or with someone that gets like this ? I feel my wife will never let this go. Everything boils back to this other woman. I tell my wife just go talk to the woman and get everything off your chest !


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lost soul said:


> Holy crap ! ! ! My wife is convinced this woman has a fatal attraction for me. I think my wife is nuts ! ! ! So we had a team meeting and the woman's husband tells my wife the that his wife will be dropping of a christmas gift in the morning. Sure enough she comes by and I get the door and think oh fk this is BAD. I keep it short take the gift and say thanks. My wife starts to slowly flip out then finally tells me to throw the gift away , , , WTF
> 
> She looked so ugly to me , not physically but her soul. She has no proof of her beliefs only assumptions. I was willing to go with it and apologies for not giving her 1000% of my attention and cut the communication with this woman to minimum but even that is not good enough for her.
> 
> Is there anyone who gets like this or with someone that gets like this ? I feel my wife will never let this go. Everything boils back to this other woman. I tell my wife just go talk to the woman and get everything off your chest !


Has your wife ever been cheated on? Do you suspect she has some mental problems?

I hate to suggest this, but sometimes when one spouse has irrational fears of the other cheating it's because they themselves have cheated, are cheating, or want to cheat.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I think she has mental issues. She does not rationalize and is very narrow minded. She get very angry when I confront her about not see beyond what she assumes. I confronted her about what happend yesterday with the woman bringing a christmas gift to the house. I told my wife, let's just say all your suspicions are true and this woman want's me. . . . She must think very little of you to have the nerve to come to your house and give your husband a present ! and I told her that she better go tell this woman something. My wife got angry upset emotional but back down. I'm now trying to get her to see a psychiatrist but she say's NO !


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Are you thinking about leaving?


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

Is your wife like this with all women or just this one particular woman? I'm sorry but after reading 5 pages I can't remember if that was covered or not. 
Are you overly chatty and acommodating to this other woman and go out of your way to help her on game day? My husband unconsciously does that. It drives me crazy and makes me a little green eyed that he doesn't treat me the same way. He figures he loves me and I know it so he shouldn't have to "pretend" to be nice all the time to me. So maybe when your wife screams that you talk differently to her, you really do! I'm not accusing, just trying to give you a different prospective. 
Good Luck


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

SoStrong said:


> Is your wife like this with all women or just this one particular woman? I'm sorry but after reading 5 pages I can't remember if that was covered or not.
> Are you overly chatty and acommodating to this other woman and go out of your way to help her on game day? My husband unconsciously does that. It drives me crazy and makes me a little green eyed that he doesn't treat me the same way. He figures he loves me and I know it so he shouldn't have to "pretend" to be nice all the time to me. So maybe when your wife screams that you talk differently to her, you really do! I'm not accusing, just trying to give you a different prospective.
> Good Luck


Just with this woman and yes I was overly chatty and acommodating to this other woman and go out of your way to help her on game day. But My wife and I are friends with her and her husband so I thought it was safe to be friendly with her. There was another woman that was trying to be chatty with me but this woman was very pretty and a nice body so I gave her the cold shoulder and kept my distance. This woman my wife is crazy about is skinny pale and common looking so I thought that made it even safer to talk to.

Thank You for taking the time to read through 5 pages


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## SoStrong (Dec 25, 2012)

LOL to a jealous wife it doesn't matter how ugly she is....Your wife loves you and doesn't want you finding something that isn't her. OR maybe since they are "friends" she knows something about this other woman that you don't....like maybe in the past she has said something about you making your wife's 6th sense come up. There could be any number of things that has triggered her jealousy.
Put yourself in your wifes shoes sometime and look at your "flirt" thru her eyes and decide if it's acceptable.
All you can do is love your wife and try to work it out.
Good luck....marriage is a bit__ sometimes, but it's worth the struggle


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

OK so I stood my ground, insisting that she was seeing things that where not there. But jealousy won ! ! ! I've caved in quit the team have told the coach my child will not be playing. I don't think I will participate in any future teams my child is on because I know I tend to over due things and will probably find my self n the same situation. 

Some might not understand this but growing up friends where like family and right or wrong we where there for each other. Now my wife is my best friend and she has always been there for me. So if she say's that how she feels and this is what she wants , , , Then that's what I'll do. Right or Wrong I'm there for her.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

lost soul said:


> OK so I stood my ground, insisting that she was seeing things that where not there. But jealousy won ! ! ! I've caved in quit the team have told the coach my child will not be playing. I don't think I will participate in any future teams my child is on because I know I tend to over due things and will probably find my self n the same situation.
> 
> Some might not understand this but growing up friends where like family and right or wrong we where there for each other. Now my wife is my best friend and she has always been there for me. So if she say's that how she feels and this is what she wants , , , Then that's what I'll do. Right or Wrong I'm there for her.


You didn't correct a problem, you just masked the symptom. This will come up again, and again, and again.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

Is there really a correction though ? If my wife is brunette, dyeing her hair doesn't change her from being brunette. If I'm an alcoholic and I stop drinking I'm still an alcoholic.

I heard that Love is simple & Humans are complicated.


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