# Remorseful??



## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Long story short, I caught my wife texting a guy she knew from facebook. She had been doing this 2 months before I caught her. I had proof of her affair in the form of chat messages. It consisted of cybersex, setting up skype so they could video chat with each other, they masturbated together via video, talked on the phone while I was asleep, he sent pics of his genitals, etc. She talked about paying for his phone bill & meeting him in another city so they could have a date & sex. This is all while her plan was to never leave me. The guy lives over 900 miles away.

Anyway, I moved out after I confronted her. I was out of the house for 6 weeks. During this time she was texting this guy on a constant basis....all during work, until morning hours on a work night, etc. (I know this now b/c I have seen the phone records).
During this time she signed up for two dating sites as well. She has a well filled out profile on one. (She used the same name handle that I knew her from...yes, we met on the same dating site 8 years ago.)

So, she was conversing with her guy on the phone at night & texting him during the day. At the same time she was emailing & chatting with these new guys from the dating site.

-------

I am now back in the house after I met with her for a MC meeting. Supposedly we are reconcilling. But She has not done any heavy lifting since that first MC meeting. She still has her phone locked, she has not gone to IC or MC since the first one. 
The phone records show that for 2 weeks after I was back home, she was texting the guy. Even though the MC told us not to contact anyone outside the marriage.

Now I have been back home since Aug 31st. Its been over two months.
She is still on the dating site, but she is just checking the messages she recieves...never replying back.


Then last week....my heart sank again. 

I had to go out of town with some work peers one day last week for a job meeting. That morning before I left, I kissed her good bye in a loving manner. Then on my way down to the meeting we texted back & forth about things. She texted me about what she was going to make for dinner, etc. On the way back home, Iwe texted some more...even talked on the phone.
She told me to text her when I got into town & got off the interstate hwy, which I did.

When I got home, she had dinner cooked. It was great. She seemed pleasant & happy. It was a nice evening.

Before I went to bed, I decided to check the phone records, just out of curiosity. Thats when my heart sank...
She had called the guy (one I caught her online with) and talked to him form 80 minutes. The records showed my text to her (telling her I was back in town). Her phone call ended with him 2 minutes after receiving my text.
I couldnt contain myself at work the next day. My coworkers were worried about me.

My thoughts are that I have been trying to be the best I can be for her. 
She has been telling her mom that I have been good & that I have had an "epiphany" on what I need to do for her. She has told her friends that she has been 'working hard on the marriage.' (Long story how I know this.)

Anyway, I think she will never change. I mean will the next time we have a fight or disagreement (and we will) will she go & call this guy?
Does she think talking to him is ok...like talking to a friend?

This is on top of her medical problems. I have supported her since she found out she was going to have to have a hysterectomy. I guess she thought she would let this a$$hole know about her condition. I am sure that will be her excuse.

Sorry for the rant. I know the answer to all this.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Not an ounce of remorse shown in that story. Yes, you know the answer. Leave.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Long story short, I caught my wife texting a guy she knew from facebook. She had been doing this 2 months before I caught her. I had proof of her affair in the form of chat messages. It consisted of cybersex, setting up skype so they could video chat with each other, they masturbated together via video, talked on the phone while I was asleep, he sent pics of his genitals, etc. She talked about paying for his phone bill & meeting him in another city so they could have a date & sex. This is all while her plan was to never leave me. The guy lives over 900 miles away.
> 
> Anyway, I moved out after I confronted her. I was out of the house for 6 weeks. During this time she was texting this guy on a constant basis....all during work, until morning hours on a work night, etc. (I know this now b/c I have seen the phone records).
> During this time she signed up for two dating sites as well. She has a well filled out profile on one. (She used the same name handle that I knew her from...yes, we met on the same dating site 8 years ago.)
> ...



UGH!! 

Im sorry you're here. You seem to be doing the work when SHE should be. Some people just dont deserve a forgiving spouse!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Her behavior is often described on this forum as, "cake eating."

That is to say, she thoroughly enjoys texting him and sexting him. It's LOTS of fun. She'd also like to "date" him, and have some trial sex--sample the goods. But she wants to do this from a position of security. She has a decent situation going with you--whether it's financial, a roof over her head, family and friends, etc.--she has a vested interest to maintain a facade of normalcy in the marriage while she chases facebook boy.

She knows that it's pretty risky to dump you to pursue him full time; otherwise, she would have done that already. In fact, what I suspect she really wants, is both of you.

One major misapprehension that people have before being betrayed--they think the situation is one of the cheater choosing--choosing you, or choosing the OM. Choosing only one. But by far, the most common scenario is: choosing _both_. If it were otherwise, she would just request a divorce and be done with it.

Kick her out of the house--pack her stuff up and tell her she is leaving because she cannot stop contact as the marriage counselor specifically requested. Unless you rent and don't mind losing the residence, you can be found to have abandoned the marriage and the marital home by moving out. She is showing you enormous disrespect--*I strongly recommend you look at a book entitled No More Mr. Nice Guy.* She has suffered no consequences of her behavior; instead, you rewarded her by leaving so she'd have more time than ever to contact the OM.

Refuse counseling until she cuts off contact with this man. She has to send him a letter of No Contact, and give you total transparency (no locked phones, all passwords, email accounts, skype accounts, etc.). However, I will say that this sounds rather futile. As Racer says, I see zero remorse.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> *She has been telling her mom that I have been good & that I have had an "epiphany" on what I need to do for her. She has told her friends that she has been 'working hard on the marriage.' (Long story how I know this.)*


This part f'ng sucks. I know because my wife, Regret214 did this kind of thing too in a way. During her affair, she was telling everyone how I wasn't doing enough around the house and blah blah blah. Basically, rewriting the marital history. Seems like yours is doing kind of the same. It's all about you, you, you cuz she ain't done nothing wrong.

As said - she's a cake eater pure and simple. She hasn't done anything to show any particle of remorse. And still having her phone locked?!! Well, brother...I can tell you that phone would take flight out the door if she refused to unlock it were I you. You have every right to know what she's texting and to whom.

I'm a pro-reconciliation dude on this site and I'm telling ya, it seems like its time for you to walk. Fast!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I got your epiphany. Kick her butt to the curb. You aren't the one screwing around. Why should you leave your home? She's the one interested in things outside the marriage. Outside means out of the house, out of the yard, somewhere other than where she is. She needs to get her mind, her heart, and her body all in the same geographic location. She's useless to anyone until she does.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Uh, yeah, you know the answer. Kick her cake eating lying cheating ass to the curb. Fast.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

She's still active on the dating site and she's locked you out of her phone.

Those two things by themselves are dealbreakers.

And those are only the tip of the proverbial iceberg.

You sir, are wasting your time with this woman.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> My thoughts are that I have been trying to be the best I can be for her.
> .


Thats the problem right there....STOP REWARDING YOUR WIFE!!!!

So you are being all nice and special towards your wife while she continues to emotionally torture you.Why? 

Have you heard of the 180?

If I didn't have to face any real consequences I would continue with my unhealthy behaviors too.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Party's over. For her.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yep

She called quits on the marriage and has told you in every possible way except for spelling it out.


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## crespjason (Nov 20, 2012)

Not an ounce of remorse shown in that story


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You are being too nice, a 'nice guy' and a doormat. Nothing wrong with a nice guy, everyone loves a nice guy, but no one, even nice guys, respects a doormat. You deserve better, but only you can demand better. And the only way to do that I feel is to find someone else.

Print the post you just wrote out and send it to her family and friends.

What a bit*h!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

And kick her out! Don't you dare leave that bloody house! Or I will come and find you and then you really will regret it. 

Do not leave the house! Throw her out. She deserves NOTHING at all. She broke the marriage. She sought elsewhere. She sought outside the marriage. Help her on her way. Do not leave the house! 

Unless of course its hers. In which case, LEAVE THE FUC*ING HOUSE!


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

In a way this story reminds me of how stupid I have been. I can totally relate to the whole, 'My heart sank again.' And the internet ads, etc. It's never going to change. For me it never has, its been 5 years, its finally time to call it quits. And no, it did not matter that we were in counseling. He had even suggested it, and then we get there, and nearly two years later, he has yet to talk about anything meaningful or resolve anything. Its been a complete waste of time. Let this useless woman go, she can go check her messages all she wants.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What are you waiting for ? You went back when she is still in affair mode..It would have been a surprise if she acted otherwise..

Are you sure that there is no one else ? some one more local ?


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

"Are you sure that there is no one else ? some one more local ?"

No, I am not sure.....
The one thing that I can't see what she is doing is who she might be emailing.
I can see the phone numbers & texts she sends, but not emails.
I do have her email password & I have checked it on once or twice. But I have noticed that she is aware of how to delete messages from the inbox & outbox....then empty the trash folder.
So who knows, she could get an email from this OM, write him back & then she could delete the messages....I would never know.

But I do know that she has not called this OM since I moved back home, except for last week. Ive been back home since Aug 31st. 

My thoughts are why would she just call the OM after 2 months of not talking to him?.....unless they have been discreetly emailing each other during this time. Or it could be that she really hasnt comunicated with him & she just decided to contact him out of the blue. But why? To tell him that she is having surgery? why does he have to know?

Background:
My wife is 37 & has just been given the advice by an obgyn to have a hysterectomy. This is due to endometriosis, turns out the D&C shows precancer, etc. We gone thru the process of trying to have children of our own. Even going to the extreme of trying IVF. She didnt respond to the dru/hormone therapy. So, my first thought is that this affair had a basis not only in her underlying dissatifaction with our relationship, but adding on that she can't have children, probably made things worse.
This OM lives 900 miles away. He has been married before & is about 34. He mentions in their conversation about being in the army at one time...but now works in hospital admin. His car is in the shop most of the time & he rides the bus/train....he lives with a roommate.
Ive seen this POS, he looks like he just got out of a concentration camp....really skinny & frail looking. I showed my cousin his pic & she said he looked like a child molester (whatever that means).
The funny thing is, my wife weighs about 250 lbs. Her clothes are too big for me & I am 6'4. So they together they would be a real match...a Jack Sprat relationship so to speak.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> "Are you sure that there is no one else ? some one more local ?"
> 
> No, I am not sure.....
> The one thing that I can't see what she is doing is who she might be emailing.
> ...


Did your wife ever say she wants to stop?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

My vote.......time to pull the plug!!!

Look find someone else......maybe even one that can give you a bio child!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She was fishing for OM see, she is going through some tough times and the OM is a cruch...most OM are, the sex is the currentcy to keep the OM friendship (in some cases, sometimes its all about the sex).

So anyway, she contacts the OM out of the blue cuz no matter how ugly you think he is, this POS knows all the right words and says all the right things that keeps your WW going back. Especially about the surgery, when she is looking this this fake support.

See, me and you know its fake support, but when it comes time to spead the day in the waiting room, it will be you, not the OM sitting and waiting for her (even if he could afford the 900 mile trip).

Again she called him out of the blue looking for all those sweet words that got her pants off in the first place.

I don't know your wife but thats what I think.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Absolutely zero remorse.

More over the affair hasn't ever stopped. She kept right on having it when you left, when you returned home, and even now.

Just end it with her because she has NO intention of ending her cheating.

And at 250lbs let the POSOM have her, you can get someone who's in a far healthier weight. At 250 she's going to be very restriicted physically from so many things because she just won't have the stamina or energy to do them - things like hiking, running, sports.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Amyd said:


> Did your wife ever say she wants to stop?


I'm not sure what you are referring to?

Stop at contacting this guy? I would assume that would be a given. 
She knows that is unacceptable. All the reason why she called when I was out of town. She wouldnt have talked to him with me there to listen.

Yeah I agree like the a poster stated, she is fishing for sympathy from this dude. 
I assume she called him up to let him know that she & I are doing "ok" & that I am doing what is necessary to make her happy.
I also assume that she called to tell him that she was having surgery, etc, etc. Probably wishes he was there to comfort her too....Who knows.....

The weird thing was that when I got home, she was happy to see me & seemed really upbeat. She was even slightly frisky. 

Let me just say this...I could have sworn during our groping & kissing....I felt her....she seemed slick down there.

Now that after knowing that she called him...I have to assume that they did some sex talk & she got excited by it. She may have masturbated some. But I have no proof.....

I have a VAR that I could have stashed in the house to catch her conversation. But I had no clue that she would even attempt to call him. My mistake I guess.


Well, my job is starting to slow down anyway. I suspect that we will be getting some layoffs soon...early next year.
I've already contacted a realtor about selling our house...we will take a loss on it since it is underwater.

Then after all this, I can walk away from a job that was going no where & a I can get away from a cheating liar of a wife at the same time.

I thought about letting her know, that I know about the phone call on the day of her surgery. What do you all think?


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Dont be mean and do it day of the surgery. Take the high road.

Ask her now.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> .
> So who knows, she could get an email from this OM, write him back & then she could delete the messages....I would never know.


Setup email forwarding on the account so any emails received by that account will go to the email box of your choice. And/or make use of an email application that logs into her email account and downloads a copy of all messages on her email server to your computer, while leaving the originals there.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wishful thinking will not save your marriage.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Setup email forwarding on the account so any emails received by that account will go to the email box of your choice. And/or make use of an email application that logs into her email account and downloads a copy of all messages on her email server to your computer, while leaving the originals there.


How would I go about doing this? It is yahoo email & google mail.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do you have her email password? You can get it with a keylogger. Both Yahoo and Google will work with pop3 email clients. You can set up a pop3 client so that it will not delete emails from the server once they are downloaded.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is it on the home computer ? Get a good keylogger..




If it is a phone, what phone ?


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is it on the home computer ? Get a good keylogger..
> 
> 
> If it is a phone, what phone ?



Its an Android phone. I have the email password.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> How would I go about doing this? It is yahoo email & google mail.


You could download a small utility such as the one I use, from here:

POP Peeper - Email Notification

Note that this one only checks email accounts (but it can check multiple accounts including yahoo and google mail) and displays them for you, but if your wife gets and then deletes an email and then the utility goes and checks it afterwards, the emails it won't be there, so you'd need to check it rather frequently so you're seeing the emails before she does. You can configure it to check for new emails as often as every few minutes if you want. It runs in the taskbar on your computer and waves a little flag when new messages come in so if you are on the computer most of the day and able to quickly check incoming messages, this should work for you.

A quick Google search on forwarding Yahoo Mail found this:

Mail Classic Help | - SLN3525 - How do I forward my Yahoo! Mail to another account?


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> You could download a small utility such as the one I use, from here:
> 
> POP Peeper - Email Notification
> 
> ...



Thanks I will try this out. I appreciate it.

After looking at our phone records, she calls her voice mail a lot. Even when no one has called her.

Could it be possible that someone could be leaving messages on her voice mail & then she can go there to listen to them. 
Seems odd if she would do this though, since she doesnt seem to be calling him.


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