# She belittles me and mistreats me, but she doesn't leave



## Going2Nowhere

Am I fooling myself that if I work really hard to address her concerns about me, she will start acting loving again?

I have to disguise my story because DW is often on the internet so I will tell as much as it is safe to tell.

We've been married a while. She was a great gal when I met her, if a bit naive. We do have a young child, in which she went through post-partum depression for a while. I maybe wasn't as supportive as I could have been. I have no excuse but I wasn't home that much. Work had kicked up and her mother had to "babysit" both her and child a lot.

When she got better, she told me how much she resented my alleged indifference. Truly I would not say it was indifference. She is in counseling now and in a woman's group and was told I abuse her. I have never laid a hand on her. She says I'm controlling. I admit I used to be so I have backed off and she does whatever she wants to do now with no problem from me. I also started counseling to better myself, and s he knows this and agrees that I am trying hard. She just doesn't seem to care though.

The thing is, she is taking her freedom too far. She is always with her family and friends, leaving me behind. Often she takes our child. I miss my child a lot. He is usually sleeping when I'm home. Her family ridicules me and she just goes along with it. She belittles me in front of my son. He is probably still too young to get it, but it's worrying for the future. If there's a future. She is acting like she hates me and I'm thinking that she wants out, but wants me to make the first move.

I love her, buy her loving cards, send her flowers, admit my mistakes, offered marriage counseling (she will not go) and have tried my hardest to get along with her family, although I really don't like them. They usually ignore me in a gathering and make me feel small. My own family has been a tremendous support to me. I don't know what I'd do without them. However, that doesn't help my marital situation.

I stand a lot to lose financially if we divorce. She is irresponsible in the spending department and I would incur her bad credit. We would have to try to sell the house. In this market, god knows when that would happen. My job isn't stable and I know I'd have to pay child support. I'd like custody myself, but it's not going to happen. I am very unhappy and lonely and feel that, since I am basically shy, I will never meet anyone again who would marry me. Maybe that's why I stay. But the abuse is playing havoc with my self-esteem, which was never good.

My wife told me she won't talk to me about "us" anymore. Every time I try, she snaps at me. Sometimes outsiders have the best perspective on things. Families are biased. What do you think of the situation? Should I serve her with papers? I know this sounds silly, but I don't want to embarass or hurt her, although I'm sure she wouldn't mind doing those things to me. I believe she has not left because of the monetary situation, and for no other reason. 

Please give me honest, brutal feedback. I need it. 

On another note, what is the best way to get divorced without extreme confrontation? It makes me sick to think of divorce, but I guess I won't be having much of a choice...

Thank you very much from Somewhere in the US.

D.


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## sisters359

Put yourself in the center of things and everything else will start to fall into place. What is best for your long-term health and happiness? If that means leaving, do it. Do not let fear hold you back. It would be very damaging for your son to grow up in a loveless, hostile environment. Living with you alone on "your days," he will learn who you are, and nothing your wife (ex wife, then) says will be able to undo his personal experience of you. If, in the meantime, you are plugging away at rebuilding a life, learning to love yourself and be happily single, etc., he will witness some amazing lessons in surviving tough changes. Read, "A Healthy Divorce" and ask your wife to read it too. Be creative in finding solutions for expenses--taking in a friend as a roommate, living with a sibling, whatever it takes to cut costs and save $$ and get back on your feet financially. There is no shame in that! It is something to be proud of, putting your life back in order, being financially responsible, etc. 

Men give up 50% visitation/placement too easily. Courts will allow it unless there is a compelling reason not to. If you have to, cut back on work hours to have more time with him (and cut day care costs, too). Learn to embrace the freedom of the days you are not with him, to dedicate that time to enjoying yourself and discovering what you like about yourself and what you really like to do. Then focus on him entirely in your time together. Too often we don't appreciate our time with our kids b/c it seems it will always be there. With divorce, that time becomes precious and probably better used than all the time we had before! 

If you aren't ready to leave, make up your mind what you will do, what your timetable will be for change in the marriage, and begin to prepare an exit plan in case it doesn't work. Do not just accept the status quo. You will just get older and more miserable! 

Best of luck!


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## dobo

The sooner you file, the sooner you'll gain control over your time with your son. So think about that...

There is no way to avoid confrontation with divorce. Further, even if you try to be reasonable, unless she agrees, you're going to have a rough time. Expect confrontation and fighting and arguing and such, especially if she is already disrespective.

Have you ever agreed with her that you were indifferent to her pain when she was suffering post partum? Or have you been defensive the entire time?

If you haven't admitted it, you might want to try that approach. Indifference to me would be if you failed to help her when you knew she was struggling. If you let everyone else do it and didn't act as her primary support. Because she had her mother doesn't mean you're off the hook. She married you and needed you.

Anyway, if this thing is going to go the way of divorce, it is going to be expensive. Get your head around that idea and accept it. But it isn't necessarily true that you will be tarred with your wife's bad credit. I had my own credit and my ex- had his. He was in bankruptcy and it didn't touch me at all. I took over the house which was always current. 

So get educated by talking with an accountant and a lawyer before you imagine the worst. You can't act if you're paralyzed by fear.


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## Drak0714

Going2Nowhere said:


> Am I fooling myself that if I work really hard to address her concerns about me, she will start acting loving again?
> 
> I have to disguise my story because DW is often on the internet so I will tell as much as it is safe to tell.
> 
> We've been married a while. She was a great gal when I met her, if a bit naive. We do have a young child, in which she went through post-partum depression for a while. I maybe wasn't as supportive as I could have been. I have no excuse but I wasn't home that much. Work had kicked up and her mother had to "babysit" both her and child a lot.
> 
> When she got better, she told me how much she resented my alleged indifference. Truly I would not say it was indifference. She is in counseling now and in a woman's group and was told I abuse her. I have never laid a hand on her. She says I'm controlling. I admit I used to be so I have backed off and she does whatever she wants to do now with no problem from me. I also started counseling to better myself, and s he knows this and agrees that I am trying hard. She just doesn't seem to care though.
> 
> The thing is, she is taking her freedom too far. She is always with her family and friends, leaving me behind. Often she takes our child. I miss my child a lot. He is usually sleeping when I'm home. Her family ridicules me and she just goes along with it. She belittles me in front of my son. He is probably still too young to get it, but it's worrying for the future. If there's a future. She is acting like she hates me and I'm thinking that she wants out, but wants me to make the first move.
> 
> I love her, buy her loving cards, send her flowers, admit my mistakes, offered marriage counseling (she will not go) and have tried my hardest to get along with her family, although I really don't like them. They usually ignore me in a gathering and make me feel small. My own family has been a tremendous support to me. I don't know what I'd do without them. However, that doesn't help my marital situation.
> 
> I stand a lot to lose financially if we divorce. She is irresponsible in the spending department and I would incur her bad credit. We would have to try to sell the house. In this market, god knows when that would happen. My job isn't stable and I know I'd have to pay child support. I'd like custody myself, but it's not going to happen. I am very unhappy and lonely and feel that, since I am basically shy, I will never meet anyone again who would marry me. Maybe that's why I stay. But the abuse is playing havoc with my self-esteem, which was never good.
> 
> My wife told me she won't talk to me about "us" anymore. Every time I try, she snaps at me. Sometimes outsiders have the best perspective on things. Families are biased. What do you think of the situation? Should I serve her with papers? I know this sounds silly, but I don't want to embarass or hurt her, although I'm sure she wouldn't mind doing those things to me. I believe she has not left because of the monetary situation, and for no other reason.
> 
> Please give me honest, brutal feedback. I need it.
> 
> On another note, what is the best way to get divorced without extreme confrontation? It makes me sick to think of divorce, but I guess I won't be having much of a choice...
> 
> Thank you very much from Somewhere in the US.
> 
> All you are thinking is probably right! There will be confrontation. Don't feel alone though. Same thing happened to me and I did hang in there until my last child was ready to go to college. It will get worse as she see's the end of the major responsibilities (kids) are graduating. Then she will just not like you. I have wonderful kids and I was a stepfather too. So in a way I am glad I stayed but seriously I gave my life to my children and a wife that belittled me, yelled super hurtful things in front of the children and in the end dumped me when the job of raising the child was done. Now I am older and not the man I was when I married her. She changed me for the worse and its been hard to remember what love is. Only in my grand children do I find it.
> So get your divorice before its wasted on a woman who does not appreciate your hard work and dedication to the family.
> 
> D.


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## Drak0714

All you are thinking is probably right! There will be confrontation. Don't feel alone though. Same thing happened to me and I did hang in there until my last child was ready to go to college. It will get worse as she see's the end of the major responsibilities (kids) are graduating. Then she will just not like you. I have wonderful kids and I was a stepfather too. So in a way I am glad I stayed but seriously I gave my life to my children and a wife that belittled me, yelled super hurtful things in front of the children and in the end dumped me when the job of raising the child was done. Now I am older and not the man I was when I married her. She changed me for the worse and its been hard to remember what love is. Only in my grand children do I find it. 
So get your divorice before its wasted on a woman who does not appreciate your hard work and dedication to the family. She will not change her mind. She will force you into saying things like her and they will be hurtful. I used to lock myself in the garage. After raising her children for 18 years she told me I had wasted my time, and the kids hated me. Of course in the company of my son. That will come for you in time. Dont live the pain get out before she sucks all the good years of your life away.


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## pidge70

Thread is almost 3yrs old and OP never came back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatevahz

Indifference? Perhaps having a new baby has it's details in situation for you, you haven't dealt with. It could of been a touch and go birth and you might of lost the moment due to a trauma even, resulting in the estranged situation you face now. Marriage is only good for someone if that is what they want and can adhere to it's rules. You might want to forget the whole thing ever happened and just pay child support and be through with the interaction because your wife might be facing a personal issue you cannot understand and feel left out of as a man. If the forums don't help, ever tried to go to school and take up a career in education, like teaching, because if there is a void there like a lost child in the past or a failed home life, you might understand what importance education has, but stick it to the older legal crowd if your filling a void and try to do the college prof thing. Getting your mind of what bothers you for a little while and taking up a hobby can help. If she is insulting you or being physically or emotionally abusive then you know, dial the digits and get help and schedule the time where she'll get served with the official legally dumped papers. If you don't have the brains to make a career your hobby, then work on it by giving it academic fuel and read something, if you can. 

















Going2Nowhere said:


> Am I fooling myself that if I work really hard to address her concerns about me, she will start acting loving again?
> 
> I have to disguise my story because DW is often on the internet so I will tell as much as it is safe to tell.
> 
> We've been married a while. She was a great gal when I met her, if a bit naive. We do have a young child, in which she went through post-partum depression for a while. I maybe wasn't as supportive as I could have been. I have no excuse but I wasn't home that much. Work had kicked up and her mother had to "babysit" both her and child a lot.
> 
> When she got better, she told me how much she resented my alleged indifference. Truly I would not say it was indifference. She is in counseling now and in a woman's group and was told I abuse her. I have never laid a hand on her. She says I'm controlling. I admit I used to be so I have backed off and she does whatever she wants to do now with no problem from me. I also started counseling to better myself, and s he knows this and agrees that I am trying hard. She just doesn't seem to care though.
> 
> The thing is, she is taking her freedom too far. She is always with her family and friends, leaving me behind. Often she takes our child. I miss my child a lot. He is usually sleeping when I'm home. Her family ridicules me and she just goes along with it. She belittles me in front of my son. He is probably still too young to get it, but it's worrying for the future. If there's a future. She is acting like she hates me and I'm thinking that she wants out, but wants me to make the first move.
> 
> I love her, buy her loving cards, send her flowers, admit my mistakes, offered marriage counseling (she will not go) and have tried my hardest to get along with her family, although I really don't like them. They usually ignore me in a gathering and make me feel small. My own family has been a tremendous support to me. I don't know what I'd do without them. However, that doesn't help my marital situation.
> 
> I stand a lot to lose financially if we divorce. She is irresponsible in the spending department and I would incur her bad credit. We would have to try to sell the house. In this market, god knows when that would happen. My job isn't stable and I know I'd have to pay child support. I'd like custody myself, but it's not going to happen. I am very unhappy and lonely and feel that, since I am basically shy, I will never meet anyone again who would marry me. Maybe that's why I stay. But the abuse is playing havoc with my self-esteem, which was never good.
> 
> My wife told me she won't talk to me about "us" anymore. Every time I try, she snaps at me. Sometimes outsiders have the best perspective on things. Families are biased. What do you think of the situation? Should I serve her with papers? I know this sounds silly, but I don't want to embarass or hurt her, although I'm sure she wouldn't mind doing those things to me. I believe she has not left because of the monetary situation, and for no other reason.
> 
> Please give me honest, brutal feedback. I need it.
> 
> On another note, what is the best way to get divorced without extreme confrontation? It makes me sick to think of divorce, but I guess I won't be having much of a choice...
> 
> Thank you very much from Somewhere in the US.
> 
> D.


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