# New here and welcome advice!!!



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Dispite what unites us all here, I hope and pray everyone is going to have a nice Thanksgiving...

My wife of 25 years told me a month ago she was moving out and now has been gone 2 weeks. I can squarely place the blame on my shoulders--I am an alcoholic who has spent the past numerous years drinking beers rather than doting on his wife, I had an affair 10 years a go. I am an iddiot.

Okay, that being said, I am a good iddiot and want to fix things. We have 3 almost adult children who support both of us. We are a better mom and dad than wife and husband.

I've been sober since the moment she told me she was leaving (okay,I slipped the weekend she moved out). I've tried working out whenever the stress gets too much and that helps. I resent her for leaving when it really is my fault. Can't sleep, losing weight...pretty sure the same pains everyone goes through during such an ordeal.

I chased her around pretty much the entire time between when she told me she was leaving and the day she moved out. I was going to PROVE to her that I could change, and I did change! She told me so, she told me how much she appreciated it as she loaded up her last box.

So now, its been 2 weeks, I'm not chasing her anymore...it's up to her. She needs time to heal, and I can't destroy the pain that I created for her...can't unbuild the wall I created. 

She has agreed to a 2 month cooling off period...I've agreed to counseling when she is ready. How do I survive knowing that I am a better peron with her at my side? I'm impatient to see progress and waiting is just fertle ground for more resentment on my part to grow.

I'm getting help on my own...uge, this makes me sound like a jerk, and the first step is admitting you are a jerk...now what???


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I just wanted to come in here and not pretend I'm Romeo to her Julliet...I'm not, just a real guy whose made some mistakes and wants to make right by them...I want my wife, my best friend and my lover back...

She has things/issues that contributed to where we are, but I can't deal with those, I have to deal with my own demons, and if the time comes, we can work together, then we can help each other out...

I done a lot of thinking lately, probably not healthy when you get as mixed up emotionally as I have been--but I can't help it...

Decided that love and marriage are like a jigsaw puzzle--each partner has half of the pieces. Edges and corner pieces belong solely to each one of the pair, only they get to/have to work on those pieces. Each still owns half of the inside parts but they must work together to make them mesh together. And when the puzzle is finished, for the time being, because it is never really completed, it is the most wonderful of puzzles possible, full of trust, compassion, passion--others can see it by how closely the couple fits together.

Unfortunately, this puzzle can also fit in a different, darker way--the parts smashed toghter full of turmoil and chaos, pain, mistrust and misdeeds--emptiness.

It takes a lot of work to put the puzzle together either way, love or chaos.

I've done way more of my share to create the darker puzzle. So I'm taking my edges, sorting through the box to find them again, and I'll start working on them again, working on myself...

thats all I can do right now...


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## manny1 (Nov 9, 2010)

Your wife doesn't believe you and wonder how many times you told her you would stop drinking, etc. and didn't. You apparently have treated her badly for along time and that has chipped away at her feelings for you. I'm sure she hasn't felt loved by you for along time. Give her space and time she needs to see that you have trully changed. She may decide her love for you is gone but if it makes you a better person from the lessons learned then good for you


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

You are totally right Manny, almost used her words exactly...

Our house has been trashed for a long time because the more I drank, the less she cleaned, the madder I got because she worked part time and was suppose to do the house work while I worked full time...so I drank more...

I spend mst of my free time cleaning, the house is almost spotless...I'm using all of my free time (time previously spent drinking) cleaning...I'm being good, giving her space and hopefully in time, she will come back...if not, I will be stronger and a better person...


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