# A Happy ending?



## MacHubby (Jan 20, 2011)

I've been dealing with a lack of intamacy in my marriage now for a few years. Lurking around this site for some time now, I see that I am unfortunatley not alone. I recently confronted my wife about it, again, and we have just had our first session of MC. I was wondering though, are there any success stories? Did your spouse's behavior (for lack of a better word) change? Are you happier now? I am trying to keep an open mind about my situation, but having been on this merry-go-round for some time, I can't help but feel that I've been here before, and it's not gonna change, so I better just learn to deal. Thanks for your replies. Great site BTW.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Lack of intimacy? Or lack of sex? Or both?

What does she say when you speak to her about it?

Like the geeky engineer that I am/was, to solve a problem you first need to understand the problem. You see the problem as lack of sex. In my view, that is usually the result or consequence of a marital problem. Fix the marital problem and then the sex problem can be addressed. 

So what is the marital problem? Well only more info from you will yield that info. But here are some common ones.

- Often men need sex to feel connected. Also often women require connection to be interested in sex. It is something that can get you into a sticky pattern. If she does not want to have sex because she is feeling disconnected, then your advances feel to her like all you ever want is sex but you don't take care of the relationship. It winds up looking like rejection and lack of love to you. If she were here, and there were no other problems, I would suggest she try faking it until she could make it in order to engender some positive feelings to get you to want to try to meet her connection needs. But she isn't. You are. So I would ask are you making the deposits in the love bank? Google love bank and five love languages. Are you refraining from making big deposits. Think on ways you can increase the love bank deposits. Make sure she is feeling cherished ... connected.


- That said, many men on this board have experienced their wives interest in connection and intimacy in the form of sex and otherwise decrease because they sabotaged their attraction by being a "nice guy". In the Men's Clubhouse, there is a sticky on Manning Up. I think the gender language is unnecessary. No one likes a carpet. But their experience might resonate with you.

- There is the drive issue. If you two have seriously differing drives, there is a challenge there. People often ASSUME that the drive issue is the problem. I think that is less often the case than people think. But if it were a drive issue, then you would have experience a drive problem since the very beginning. 

I recommend the book Passionate Marriage by a guy whose name is approximately Schnark. 

Good luck to you!


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## MacHubby (Jan 20, 2011)

I would guess that I probably sunk my own ship over the years being too available. The problem is , I thought I was being a considerate and affectionate lover. Unsolicited back massages, feet, caressing, with no expectation of sex. When sex is on the menu, I have put her first. Oral to completion for her (she told me last night it's like chocolate, awesome but can do without, ?)
Holding after and all that. My hope was that I would get the same in return. Nope. Oral? forget about it. No biggie. Hand job? No(well I was gonna!) Ok, how about a back massage? Too tired, long day, etc.

I guess my point is that I'm all cashed out. I am running really low on the "funds" so to speak. To me, half of the reason we "take care" of each others needs and want's is because we know it's makes our spouse happy! Is that not love 101? 

I know it's not rejection as she has never refused my advances, but darn just to feel wanted, desired or even thought of is all I'm looking for.

I have heard of the resources that you've cited, although I've not read them. It couldn't hurt I suppose. I'm worried that I will feel like an even bigger a$$ if it doesn't work out.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Yah try Passionate Marriage. Sounds like your wife genuinely loves you. Send her here so the men here can help her understand how important feeling desired IS to a man. My DH and I have had to be without sex due to a recent surgery of mine. A very short (10 week) period and it already caused issues for him, even though he was being supportive! I wound up resenting my feeling like I had to essentially jerk him off with my mouth. It did not feel like the connection he claimed he wanted. I also shut myself off to him. I did not want to get cranked up then not get to complete....

My point. Yah he missed the sex. Ten weeks, bfd. He missed the light that lit up in my eyes when he walked in from work. Hunger in my eyes when he walked across the hall without his shirt on. So I TOTALLY hear where you are coming from.

That said, I understand where your wife is coming from too. Back immediately post baby, I totally had little interest. I was tired. I was touched out by the kids. I did not yet understand the need to be desired. I felt like... all he wants me for is sex. Can't he understand I am freaking TIRED?? 

But some kind (well actually she was a royal beotch) on an internet group similar to this one made me see the importance of not just sex but desire. I just guessed and hoped that I could fake it until I could make it. So that is what I tried. It worked!  It was scary since I was not accustomed to initiating. And I was very not accustomed to things like dress up which I wanted to try for him. I was scared I would be silly and he would reject me.... He didn't!

Can you print out this thread and let her read it?

Wishing you all the luck!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MacHubby: 

You sound sooooo much like my husband, Great guy! What I have found in being on both sides of this issue (a lower drive wife ) and now a HGHER drive wife, is that back then, I really never even considered or had ANY freakin' idea how my husband was suffereing sexually. Without being inside his body & experiencing what he felt, I just didn't "get it", didn't feel it and wasn't suffering myself. So I was pretty content !! He kept being affectionate the whole time, always there for me, He never asked me for oral so I didn't go there or rarely. I even at one point remember comparing chocolate to sex and would have taken the Big Hershey Bar instead (back then). 

Sometimes it may be really tough for Husbands themselves to get through to their wives on these intimate things, how important it is to "feel" desired, wanted, how fullfilling that is. It sounds as though you have tried, but she still is not getting it. 

Sometimes it helps if these truths are brought forth from an outsider, I hope you have chosen a Good Marraige Counselor who can reach your wife's heart in these intimate matters .

Passionate Marraige -- Great book, it was some of the stories in this that opened my eyes to understand my husband & his needs http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Ma...ef=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1295541786&sr=8-1-spell


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## MacHubby (Jan 20, 2011)

I don't think it's a good idea to bring her into this particular discussion just yet. She did not respond to well last evening when I told her that I had been researching sites like these. Right now, I'm just gonna back off for a little bit and try to let MC run it's course. It's tough as I don't like to see her hurt, but I guess it what needs to be done. Besides, I don't want to fall into the same pattern as before(fight, makeup sex, dry spell, repeat.) I appreciate your insight, thanks.


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## MacHubby (Jan 20, 2011)

Yeah Simply, the chocolate analogy kinda hit me by suprise:scratchhead:

How did you come to read this book? Did hubby bring it to you or did you find it yourself?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

That is the same book I recommended. It was recommended to me by someone on another group like this one.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Not sure about the ending, but the last month or so has been pretty good.

I read a couple of books (His Needs, Her Needs and Hold Onto Your Nuts). Then started changing my behavior.

I used to get up, get my stuff ready for work, work all day, go home, browse internet or watch TV while waiting for supper. Then run kids to sports all evening or watch tv or whatever. Would try to hug my wife and would tell her she was beautiful? Never got me very far.

What I am doing now is get up 10 minutes earlier and get my stuff ready for work and then help my wife get the kids lunches ready. Work all day and when I get home I sit at the Island and talk (and listen) to my wife while she is making supper. Help if she needs a hand. I started working out. Thirty minutes on the Eliptical Trainer and 15 on the treadmill. Then drive kids around all evening. After that I try to spend time talking (and listening) to my wife or watching TV with her or help her with laundry or whatever. I have also started sending her one line text messages during the day (once or twice a day) telling her how great she looked in the morning or how much I appreciate her or whatever. 

After making these changes, when I hug her, she hugs me back. When I go to bed, she doesn't stay up all night, she comes to bed when I do and we have been intimate two or three times a week rather than the once every 10 days or so. And when we are together, it feels much more loving and she is much more engaged and wants to be there (rather than feeling like she is only there because she is obligated). 

So far so good.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Yay SadSamIAm.


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## MacHubby (Jan 20, 2011)

Thanks all. I'm not ready to give up just yet, just needed a little boost.:smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MacHubby said:


> Yeah Simply, the chocolate analogy kinda hit me by suprise:scratchhead:
> 
> How did you come to read this book? Did hubby bring it to you or did you find it yourself?


My husband could not read a book to save his life! No, I am the reader. 

A few yrs ago, I fell into what I call my Mid Life Crisis , I wanted to get closer to my husband. Been missing him for years, putting him on the back burner so to speak. I have always enjoyed reading Relationship books but then I started reading more books on Sex, Passoin & Desire. Passionate Marraige was one of my 1st. It even made me cry reading some of the pages describing how a husband feels when his wife shows no interest in him physically, rejection becomes deep inner pain. 

Mind you I was never too awful bad about this, in fact, probably 40% of the time I came on to him! But this only happened cause he felt he was being rejected initially for years. Between infertility, then ironically over Books and babies sleeping in our bed, I just made alot of mistakes there. 

Reading these more intimate books about sex , well, they set me on fire ! Whether this jump started my hormones or the hormones came 1st, I have no clue, but something got ahold of me.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mac,
It sounds like your W truly loves you. It also sounds as if you have tried to take all the "tension" out of the marriage. 

Humor me on this analogy. You are playing tennis. You have 3 "styles" of game play to choose from

1. No matter how your opponent hits the ball at you, hard, soft, with a lot of spin: you always lob it back gently because you don't want them to "miss" a shot and feel bad. This makes your opponent feel bad because:
- They know they aren't getting your "true"/best game and
- It is boring - you never challenge them
- They never improve because you don't give them the opportunity to. 

2. You not only play to win, you cheat. You call balls "long" or "wide" when in truth they were on the line. You yell and scream when you lose and try to intimidate your opponent mentally - to bring "their" game down so you can win. 

3. You bring your A game every time you play. You are totally fair. In fact - if there is a judgement call you always make it in their favor. But if the ball is out, you call it out. When they play well you compliment them. When they are being lazy you ask them why? When they totally screw up, you encourage them not to get down on themselves. No matter what you try to keep the "tone" between you upbeat, constructive and even playful. Instead of an irritated "why are you so lazy today? they get "somebody didn't eat their wheaties this morning - with a smile" This style is focused on:
- You improving your game AND
- You helping your partner improve their game AND
- Setting a tone that is playful and fun

You could be the best tennis "player" in the world, but if your style of play is way too soft/too hard then you will not make a good tennis "partner". 

THIS is not a post you share with your W. This is a post that if it resonates with you - you start plugging it in. 

If you can stick to two basic themes you will see some real improvement:
- The game should be fun - use light humor to make your points when you want something/don't want something - or clearly are being treated unfairly. Light humor and if she escalates follow by firmness and the golden rule "I would not do that to you"
- The game should be challenging. Stop being so "easy". 

Example:
Ask her if she wants a foot massage. And when she says yes don't do anything. When she asks when are you going to give it to me? You ask her "do you really want one"? If she says:
- I can take it or leave it - just laugh and shrug - and do nothing
- Yes I really really want one. 
THEN you come back with. I wasn't offering - I was just curious. But if you truly do want one as much as you say - we can trade. Give me a back massage and afterwards I will give you a foot massage. 

And keep it light and playful. Likely "she" will try to get you to go first. Just decline. Because you have set a bad tone up until now. I call it the "I am not worthy of you" tone. To change that you need to move to the "we are equals" tone. 

If you do the foot massage first - you will get a lame/short back massage. If you let her go first you can "play" with her while she is massaging you. Ask her how many minutes of back massage should equal one minute of foot massage - what with foot massage requiring more skill and so forth. 

Done in a playful way your W will LOVE this. She is DYING from the never ending sweetness - it is too much for anyone. 





MacHubby said:


> Thanks all. I'm not ready to give up just yet, just needed a little boost.:smthumbup:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you have a chance to fix this? Yes absolutely. But, the key to getting more sex is to figure out what her needs are and meet them (hint: probably not physical).


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