# Lost and abandoned



## Chrisb123 (Jun 12, 2014)

After 31 years of marriage and three children my husband walked out without warning 3 months ago. Cancelled all standing orders and texted my daughter who is suffering from a chronic disability asking her to tell me he had gone. We have talked since but he constantly changes his story about whether or not he is in a relationship with someone else. He is paying minimal support despite earning 5 times what I do. I feel like he has died and someone else is walking around in his skin. He says he cannot afford a divorce but does not know what he wants. I feel so confused, my love for him has died, but he says he still has strong feelings for me, but has not loved me for years. His behaviour showed no indication that there were problems, sex life fine, worked as a team and he has since said I was he best wife anyone could have had.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer? Investigated if there is someone else?

C
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## Chrisb123 (Jun 12, 2014)

Thanks for posting
I have taken legal advice and been told i should seek a divorce
He admits to being in a "emotional" relationship with a coworker but insists it is not physical. He is a man who likes secrets and I feel as though he is gas lighting me. He has always seemed to be decent and honest, I cannot get my head round the changes in his personality.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Does it matter in your location if he's having an affair or not? Did your legal counsel give you an idea of what you can expect financially?

C
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Most likely, you're not going to "nice" him out of his affair, physical or emotional. You can try to break up his affair by finding out the details and then exposing it, or you can proceed with the divorce and get him out of your life. You can even do both at the same time. But it will probably do him a world of good for reality to give him a good slap upside the head. No more "minimal" support is a good start. 

C
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## Chrisb123 (Jun 12, 2014)

Thank you
I have been told that I am entitled to live in the marital home for as long as I want to and that he has to pay spousal support relative to his contribution to the household when we were together. His response to this is to say he will give up his job so he has no income. In relation to his affair, apparently most men will not admit to adultery when petitioned for divorce so I have to go for unreasonable behaviour or two years separation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Some courts don't care what your current income is. They care about your "reasonable prospective income". And his support amount will be calculated on that. 

C
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## Chrisb123 (Jun 12, 2014)

That's interesting. I have to have open heart surgery in a couple of weeks and have been told by cardiologist that I may be unable to return to work. Thank you for your time and advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Good luck. Talk to a lawyer, and follow their advice. Don't take legal advice from strangers on the Internet! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Chris, you need to get smart and start doing some investigating. Can you move this to the coping with infidelity forum? Lots of ideas on just what to look for. I would start with banking docs, phone records and get into his email if possible. Does he have facebook or other social networking sites? Do you have any idea who the coworker is? Get on her FB site and check through the pics. That worked for me.

I would bet my last dollar that he has more than an EA going on. You have been married 30 years and you are entitled to spousal support (if he is earning 5x what you are). Do not let him intimidate you. If he is talking like that, discuss it with a very good attorney. And get proof.

Also, take care of yourself. What he did, he did. With his secrets and his gaslighting (boy, is that ever familiar!), you never had a chance to address any of the issues in your marriage. So, make sure you are exercising (if possible with your heart issue), eating well and not drinking excessively. Treat yourself.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Chris, talk with an attorney ASAP to determine your rights. File for divorce and, get what you are entitled to and forget about his worthless a$$. You and your children deserve a lot better than him. He is most likely in a full fledged affair, whether he admits it or not. Do you live in a state where you can file on grounds of adultery? If so, hire a PI. Do you have access to your cell phone records? If so, check those. Check the history on your home computer. 

Get mad and start taking care of yourself and your children. Best of luck to you!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chrisb123 said:


> Thank you
> I have been told that I am entitled to live in the marital home for as long as I want to and that he has to pay spousal support relative to his contribution to the household when we were together. His response to this is to say he will give up his job so he has no income. In relation to his affair, apparently most men will not admit to adultery when petitioned for divorce so I have to go for unreasonable behaviour or two years separation.


When you file for divorce it freezes what the court considers his income. If he quits his job he will still owe support based on his income for the last year or two.

Does your state allow for filing based on infidelity?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chrisb123 said:


> That's interesting. I have to have open heart surgery in a couple of weeks and have been told by cardiologist that I may be unable to return to work. Thank you for your time and advice.


Is your health insurance through your husband's job? or your? Or other? If it's through him job, you can ask in a divorce that he cannot take you off his insurance until the divorce is final.

Do you have any kind of disability insurance? 

I am assuming that you are in the USA. You can get social security disability since you have a work history.


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