# Divorce imminent - How can I stop this stress from bringing out the worst of me?



## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I don't know if the posts I've written before, only a couple, will show my back story. I dread having to write it again. Where I'm at now is having to live (in separate rooms), in the same house as my STBX. It's for financial reasons only and a desire to not put eachother in a financial disaster. Better said, to put me in a financial disaster. I was a SAHW for many yrs, lost my status in my field of experience, and just a year ago have worked my ... off with a new line of work. 

I find sharing the same house a serious struggle as I think I'm the only one grieving over the loss of what once was my entire life, my best friend, my future.

I've noticed being around my STBX brings out the worst side of me. I feel I've become this nasty person that I've never been before. I know the stages of grief, and I'm doing my best. When I'm at work I'm fine, and when home I'm OK for a bit, but one little trigger can make me react in a way I find (by the nxt day), unbecoming of who I really am. I know I am better than this, and I'm being a bit irrational...but in the moment I can't seem to stop myself from making a comment, sending a txt/email, that in reality just makes the situation worse for both of us.

I take full blame for what I do, but while my STBX seems to think he's always in the right, and I am the source of all of the problems....his snappy remarks, looks, and attitude just put me through hell! I've told him I'll walk away if he continues to treat me this way, but in the "moment", I forget to correct myself and may send a txt or something in reply.

He is not a bad person, but not a good one either...I've dealt with some abuse (not that I'm afraid for my life)...but if running out the door and hiding in the trees with my dog, trying to keep him from responding to the calls for me...is any indication, well maybe you get the point or you don't. Those situations were few and far between. I've noticed as divorce was looming, the abuse was nothing but occasional verbal. Nothing I would ever turn someone in for.

He is successful in his career, one he did credit me with at one point for all of his climbing up the ladder. I am facing having to support myself, which I did before we met, but lost my status being a SAHW (helping to raise step children, caring for the house, put my life on hold).

SO, here I am trying to manage a new career, future uncertain, in the same house as him. He has been supportive enough to at least stay for 1 yr or less so I can support myself, but we share the same house.

I'm thankful he didn't up and walk out, scared about my future and ability to care for my horses on my small income...and dealing with him every day when I wish we could just live apart! 

HE BRING OUT THE WORST OF ME, daily. I try to not over react, I try to keep things separate, but we run into eachother ALL of the time. 

How can I work to let him go and keep my emotions/responses to a minimum? Seems like I just blurt things out I regret the next day...or have things I want to say to stand up for myself but I know it's pointless? I feel I'm becoming a bitter person at home, and I don't want to be that person. 

We did 2 sessions of counseling, thats done. I've looked for an individual counselor, can't seem to find or commit to one due to work schedule, finances, and compatibility.

How do you all "self check", how you respond during all this stress?

Thx if you've read this all....ug.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Is there a family member or someone else you can live with for financial reasons until you get back on your feet?


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## Upanddown (Sep 14, 2012)

I think getting out and living apart would help the situation i know its hard we sold our house to be able to move into separate places

Im guilty of over thinking and analysing , im finding counselling is helping and walking and cycling to get out and about helps

I find no contact helps me to deal with things as it takes it out of my mind and gives me the opportunity to just be me and do what i want

My counsellor has suggested blocking phone numbers to stop the texts and phone calls as it stops me reading what is written and then taking it to heart or affecting me 
I can only say that ive done the same as you im sick of the fighting and constant rehashing of past issues 
I think you need to acccept that you are only responsible for your own bahaviour and you need to stop before acting as sometimes acting makes things worse


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I ran into the same problems with my ex when we were under the same roof. He's still pretty nasty to me, but now that we're living apart, it's been SO much easier to control my temper and my tongue! 

Do you have close friends or family to keep you accountable with this during the transition? While I was going through it, I told my sister everything I said, and everything he said. I admitted to her the times when I lost my temper and was ashamed. I know it is really unconventional, but there were many times when I felt "on the verge" and I'd promise her I'd pay her $200 if I lost it with him (mostly via text, but verbal was also on the table). It's an honor system, of course, but it really helped. Also, during the worse part of it, my mom and sister were both texting me frequently, "DLT! DLT!" (Don't Lose your Temper!) So, my advice is to share this struggle with someone and get them on your side in encouraging you to control your temper until you can move out.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Thx for all of your replies. I moved away from all of my friends in 2010 to be closer to my STBX's work. Lost my father the same year. My mother is in her own crisis, and no other real family at all. I do not have a support system.

I have 3 horses, 1 I've owned for 23 yrs, he's 29 now and close to the end. It's not as easy for me to pick up and move out due to my obligations I have to my horses.

The only other option is to ask him to move out, but I can't afford this all on my own. It's like I'm stuck with no escape. He has offered this "live together but separate", situation, and I'm thankful for that. I think he may be worried that I would take him to the cleaners but that's not what I want. When I mention seeing a lawyer just to know my rights he gets very angry...

I do want to make this as easy as possible but like I said, I'm stuck. I can go to a friend's on the wknds...but who will take care of my horses? They are all an hour away, and my vehicle is a large truck that kills me in gas. I feel isolated and stuck in perpetual hell.


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## honeysuckle04 (Jan 25, 2011)

You are. 
Tied and can't run. 
We tried that for a week. It made me a wreck but stbxh was happy eating his cake and having it too.
It's not going to be easy and if you're getting a divorce for certain get your own lawyer. Best advice I got and it was from here. It's not going to be easy no matter what and you need to know your rights and get what you are entitled to. Not out of spite but to protect yourself. 
It's like mucking out a manure filled stall, you just gotta do it.
Prayers for you.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Tied and can't run....truely how I feel. Thx for taking the time to give me that information. Signing off so I can function tomorrow...


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