# Hurt & Confused



## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

My husband and have been separated for 5 mos. I have been trying to work things out but Im still hurt my is affairs. Now he has entered into a relationship with a 20 year old (he is 14 years her senior). He works on the road and she has left school to join him. He will not communicate with me. The few times I have I point blank ask him what he plans on doing as far as our marriage goes. He does not respond. Others ask and he does not respond. The last time I talked to him I asked him again if he wants to work on our marriage, if not Ill even file for divorce with no hard feelings. His response to this question is "what do you mean?". He goes on to say that he does not know what will happen in the future. Now Im hearing from his family members that he is trying to have a child with this girl and he plans on purchasing a home with her in another state. Why wont he tell me this so I can move on? He is being cruel on purpose by stringing me along playing with my feelings? He knows I want us to get back together. If he plans on staying with her why cant he tell me so I can try to move on and be happy instead of hoping he will return? Or does he not know what he wants to do?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hey. I'm really sorry you're going through this. May I suggest you take the initiative and file for divorce? Get him served instead of waiting on him to make a decision??


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

Apart of me wants to file but the other wants us to work if possible. he travels on the road so he doesn't have an address other than mine right now.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Pay attention to his actions, and ignore his words. He's being very clear about where his priorities and focus is, and they're not with you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

You are right. His actions speak volumes. If this is so why cant he communicate this to me so I can have closure?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Possibly because if you leave him, he's not the "bad guy". At least not in his eyes. Stop looking to him got closure. Start taking ownership of your own life and future. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

love80 said:


> You are right. His actions speak volumes. If this is so why cant he communicate this to me so I can have closure?


He may be:

1 - A bad communicator
2 - Hedging his options (so he can come back if it all blows up, or if he has a stroke and needs someone to wipe his behind and change his diapers)
3 - Hoping you'd ease the guilt by filing so he can blame you later on for breaking up the marriage

I really don't know. Only he can answer that question.


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

UpnOver said:


> Do you love yourself?


I do love myself and I love my husband. I just want us to work. I thought if he ever loved me he would at least communicate his real feelings to me so I won't hurt anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You're his plan B. He knows its shaky that a women this young will stay with someone his age for long, but he wants her. What he doesn't want is to be rejected by her and not have you to come back to. 

He's on the road having the time of his life with this women and has no idea how long it will last. So he does everything in his power to postpone and delay committing any answer to your question. Which is why he is ignoring you. This also explains why he would want to get her pregnant as he hopes this ties her to him.

I'd file for divorce and move on with your life. I'm not sure about your whole story and how he's treated you throughout the relationship, but it sounds like he is showing his true colors now.


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

Im starting to believe this too. I just wish I didnt love him as I do. I just cant believe he would throw his marriage to the side for a 20 year old. he brings her around his friends and makes all these plans with her. Its like he pretends I don't exist like we never were together. I just wish the pain would end.


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

I even tried to email him but she checks his email. she sent me an email posing as him requesting that i file for divorce. i knew by the way the email was written that he did not right it. i sent one back calling her by name letting her know i knew she sent the email. she sent one back claiming that she did it based off what he has said and she was trying to make it easier for me. when I talked to him last and told him about this he said that he saw the emails and she is young so don't feed into it. Im like this is your response to me?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Just do the 180. Work on making yourself happy and move on. You can't change him and nothing you do or say will. Pleading and begging will only make you less attractive to him and drive him away. Hanging on will only prolong how painful this is for you. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My heart goes out to you....


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

what is the 180?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

love80 said:


> what is the 180?


I wish this site would make a sticky of this, but here it is.



> The 180
> 
> 1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> 
> ...


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

thank you for the 180. i wish i had learned of this sooner. i think my situation would be different now. i think hemay see me in an unattractive light because I tried so hard to get him to talk by constantly calling, email and texting. i wish i could go back


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

love80 said:


> thank you for the 180. i wish i had learned of this sooner. i think my situation would be different now. i think hemay see me in an unattractive light because I tried so hard to get him to talk by constantly calling, email and texting. i wish i could go back


Don't feel bad. I wish I had read this site years ago and maybe I'd still be married. I also pleaded, begged, cried uncontrollably etc when my wife told me she no longer loved me. I think you can go down the list of what 'not' to do and its everything I did.


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

I have to be honest in that I still want him back. Have I ruined my chances since I behaved in a "desperate" manner with the constant calls and texts until he changed his number? It just breaks my heart when I hear what he is really doing with her and planning their future from his sister-in-law. I can move on with my life but my personal life would be in a standstill. Why I do I suffer when he cheated?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

love80 said:


> I have to be honest in that I still want him back. Have I ruined my chances since I behaved in a "desperate" manner with the constant calls and texts until he changed his number?


No one can answer that, but him. The only thing you can do is move forward with purpose and hope for the best. 



love80 said:


> Why I do I suffer when he cheated?


 Good question. Its just the way of life unfortunately.
Luckily there is this thing called Karma which usually pays people back twofold. He may be getting a younger women, but with that is a women who isn't fully matured or experienced and he will have to deal with that fallout eventually. Plus eventually their age difference will become even more apparent when she decides she wants a younger man and cheats or dumps him.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Honey, he is telling you what he wants by not speaking to you, changing his number, having a relationship with another woman, moving out of state, buying a house with her, etc. You have got to accept what he IS telling you instead of hoping for him to tell you what you want to hear. I know it's easier said that done, but you have to move on with your life. File for divorce. You can do better than him. Get it over with so you can begin a new life and start healing. Hugs....


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

Him moving to another state, buying a home with this 20 yo, and trying to get her pregnant are all things he doesn't know I know. His sil told me. If he wants to do all these things why not tell me so I can move on? I told him I would not get upset, no hard feelings, i'd file for divorce. Whats wrong with letting me know so I can move on? When I have talked to him in the past he tries to down play the seriousness of their relationship.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Because he is cake-eating. He has his new woman and you waiting at home, should his new relationship not work out. Take charge of your own life, file for divorce. Stop letting him control you.


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

I had an up and down weekend. I miss my husband. I try not to think about what he is doing and what plans he is making with this other woman. I will never understand why he is doing this. At the very least I would have thought that if he wanted to leave the marriage, he would tell me the right way. Not by leaving me in the dark, cutting off communication. Leaving me to wonder and trying to figure out things or guess on my own. I find myself trying to analyze every detail of his comments and actions I hear about him from his family. for someone who claims to care about me this just seems cruel.


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## love80 (Jan 23, 2013)

feeling bad today. wishing things would get better soon. i fight everyday with my anger towards him, wanting him to suffer like i am. wishing karma would visit him and give him what he deserves. what can i do to make myself happy? i have been out of the dating loop for 8 years now and feel like so much in the dating world has changed. i tired to go on dates but chicken out. im damned if i do and damned if i dont. what can i do?


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm the same way when it comes to dating again. I think its just a sign you are not fully ready yet. Finding someone now will probably help the pain a little, but our need to attach so quickly to someone and basically rebound will only hurt that relationship. I think its best we find ourselves and become happy as we are then go out and find someone to share that happiness with. Atleast everything I read points in that direction. Though I'd be lying if I didn't say I just want someone now to be with to help with the pain and loneliness.


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