# I cheated but I still love my boyfriend? But don't really feel bad about it?



## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. Ive stood by him despite some people's disapproval. We have a gap in age differences and some of my friends and family don't approve of it. I'm 19 so there's nothing wrong with our relationship some people are just a bit judgmental. He's typically straight and has very conservative traditional views but despite this loves me for who I am even if that goes against his beliefs with me being non-binary and intersex who is very progressive. Our relationship is perfect in that I would never look for a relationship with anyone else I love and respect him and wish to be like him someday. I could see in five years us being married partners. And I could see us spending our lives together for the next decades. Its a dream of mine to marry him someday. I'll definitely be ecstatic if or when he would propose to me a few years from now likely. Anyhow its just a sexual thing. I need kind of. Our sex life is great but he's the only guy or girl for that matter I've ever been with. I kind of just wanted a different type. I have different types that are my type of guy. Well recently, I had sex a few times with another guy. He's a friend of mine since I was 6. We've never had any sexual relationship before. And I have no emotional feelings towards him outside of our friendship. He doesnt feel that way about me at all either. He actually has an on and off boyfriend that he is very into but his bf doesn't really seem to feel the same which is why its an on and off relationship, most likely not going to work. But he's always in the habit of falling for people who really don't love him back in high school he wasted two years with a girl that wanted to be with anyone but him etc.... But he certainly has no interest in me since his bf has took him back and I don't feel that way for him. It was clearly just sexual. But I read recently cheating means something's wrong with my relationship. For me I just wanted to do stuff I couldn't do with my boyfriend basically. But I have, absolutely, no interest in breaking up. I am not unhappy with my relationship. My boyfriend is the best, and I don't want anyone else. Yet, I don't feel bad about it. I actually enjoyed the sex and wish I could repeat it. Ideally, I would like to repeat with my boyfriend, but that could never happen. Sometimes you know what people are capable of and not capable of. But at the same time I have no desire to want break up. And I'm not unhappy with our relationship. Advice?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

It's ok. Your boyfriend probably is cheating too.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I would come clean with your BF and allow him to find another that respects him.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Assuming this is real, would you care if he dipped his stick into someone else's oil?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Did you break the news to your partner that you cheated on him and you're not sorry you did?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, I'll bite. So your bf loves you for who you are, right? Go tell him you f^cked around with another guy who would do "stuff" your bf won't. Then let us know if he loves you for who you are. Seriously.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> It's ok. Your boyfriend probably is cheating too.


I don't think he is. If he were I'd be willing to do an open. Relationship.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> I would come clean with your BF and allow him to find another that respects him.


Thats the thing I don't see exactly how this hurt him if he doesnt know and I'm not lying to him about wanting to be with him. I don't see how this hurts anything. But I also know I won't continue to cheat which compounds why I don't feel anything negative because I dot see how my cheating will affect my relationship negatively.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Assuming this is real, would you care if he dipped his stick into someone else's oil?


Are you saying would I care if he cheated. I wouldn't if it was just sexual.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I don't think he is. If he were I'd be willing to do an open. Relationship.


Do the right thing and tell him. He deserves better than you!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You cheated. It's called deceit. Won't do it again? Doesn't matter. You've hidden a major issue from him. Why not tell him what you did? Why not come clean?


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I've been married longer than you've been alive. I'll just say that it sounds like you are more polyamorous than monogamous. You should discuss this with your BF so he is on the same page. Cheating isn't just a matter of whether you should feel bad about it. Any lasting relationship SHOULD be based on trust and truthfulness. Anything less is a recipe for disaster. Right now you are being deceitful. Tell your BF what you need, and either he will agree or you two simply are not suitable for marriage. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Are you saying would I care if he cheated. I wouldn't if it was just sexual.


So tell him so he can go tap some ass.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Thats the thing I don't see exactly how this hurt him if he doesnt know and I'm not lying to him about wanting to be with him. I don't see how this hurts anything. But I also know I won't continue to cheat which compounds why I don't feel anything negative because I dot see how my cheating will affect my relationship negatively.


You compartmentalize very well. If your BF was bopping the waitress at the local diner and you did not know about it how would you feel about it?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nicky,

I think that at 19 you are too young for a truly committed relationship. You may simply not be at that place in your life where you are ready for a long term relationship.

From your writing I think that you are an intelligent and capable person, but I also think your perspective on life and relationships will change a great deal in the next 5 or 10 years. 

Your boy friend might accept an open relationship with you because your youth is very attractive to him but this is not in his best interests and he may grow to resent you over time.

Please just be honest with him and let him go.

Tamat


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Are you saying would I care if he cheated. I wouldn't if it was just sexual.


Well then...let your BF know game on! He can tap anything that walks. It's just sex after all. 

I hope he has many many conquests for just sex!

Ride 'em cowboy!


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

TX-SC said:


> I've been married longer than you've been alive. I'll just say that it sounds like you are more polyamorous than monogamous. You should discuss this with your BF so he is on the same page. Cheating isn't just a matter of whether you should feel bad about it. Any lasting relationship SHOULD be based on trust and truthfulness. Anything less is a recipe for disaster. Right now you are being deceitful. Tell your BF what you need, and either he will agree or you two simply are not suitable for marriage.
> 
> Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


My only issue with telling about specific sexual preference with him is that I don't want to make him feel like he caby please me because he does and I love our sex life as it is. But you're right secrets never seem to lead to anything good. But I don't want him to leave if he were to find out about the situation with my friend and all.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

All i hear is me me me me me me me.

Do you ever think about him.. Ya know the BF that you supposedly love? 

Tell him and let him decide what to do for himself. Maybe he is in to the open thing.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> You compartmentalize very well. If your BF was bopping the waitress at the local diner and you did not know about it how would you feel about it?


Well, I would wonder how much he knew this waitress and how clean she is. I didn't just go and cheat with some random guy I didn't know. I have known my friend for years. I've known him twice as long as I've known my boyfriend actually. Thats more my concern in that case his judgment. I know my boyfriend has some interest in like thresomes so maybe there's a level of openness he's OK with anyhow. I just don't like women so thats never been an option we've discussed.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

it sounds like what you want is a committed relationship with the opportunity to get some on the side...if that is what you want then be upfront and honest with him and tell him that is what you want.....otherwise your lying to him, with every kiss you give him, you know in the back of your mind where else those lips were...is that right? If he is not the guy move on and allow him to find someone who won't cheat on him...and yes it is cheating if he does not know.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Wasn't there a school holiday recently? :slap:


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Nicky,
> 
> I think that at 19 you are too young for a truly committed relationship. You may simply not be at that place in your life where you are ready for a long term relationship.
> 
> ...


 @TAMAT hit the nail on the head. I had been cheated on in my prior relationship and it did not phase me at all. I didn't feel heartbroken and I was very confused by my friends' insistence that what he did was terrible and I needed to make him pay because he was not remorseful. I was convinced I was polyamorous and I was only interested in open relationships. My next serious partner was twice my age and truly in awe of the way I expressed my youthfulness and culture. He accepted the open relationship concept. We tried to do it in what we thought was the right way; with couples counseling and a written agreement on boundaries etc. It worked out great for me, him not at all. I was convinced I was in love with him, we were perfect for each other blah blah blah. That was bs, he got screwed and I'm sure to this day he's still dealing with some of the pain of that relationship.

Yes things are great because you're having your cake and eating it too. 

If you weren't concerned about his response and the potential consequences, perhaps you wouldn't be so hesitant to do the right thing and inform him.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My only issue with telling about specific sexual preference with him is that I don't want to make him feel like he caby please me because he does and I love our sex life as it is. But you're right secrets never seem to lead to anything good. But I don't want him to leave if he were to find out about the situation with my friend and all.


Too bad! You shouldn't have cheated if you didn't want him to leave!


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Nicky,
> 
> I think that at 19 you are too young for a truly committed relationship. You may simply not be at that place in your life where you are ready for a long term relationship.
> 
> ...


I do feel like my bf and I want to settle down at different stages. But I still want to end up with him and I've not fallen for anyone else or had the feelings I have for him.
And I think our relationship is strong enough for an open relationship. He's talked in the past about thresomes he's had with previous relationship so he's to some extent open to that. He's definitely not the jealous type.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My only issue with telling about specific sexual preference with him is that I don't want to make him feel like he caby please me because he does and I love our sex life as it is. But you're right secrets never seem to lead to anything good. But I don't want him to leave if he were to find out about the situation with my friend and all.


I can't quite get a handle on what exactly you are looking for. In one instance it seems like you just want some experience with other guys. On the other, it seems like maybe there is a specific sexual act you want that your BF doesn't like. Can you elaborate?

I know you don't want to hear this, but at 19 years old you should be out experiencing new things. I was in college at age 19 and you can bet that's what I was doing. I'm not saying you can't have a meaningful relationship at your age, but just realize you might need to just break up and try being with other people for a while. 

Many studies show that at 19, you are likely still acting like a teenager. Your brain won't develop the ability to truly see consequences until you are in your mid-20s. Now is the time to branch out and learn. 

Just consider that your actions now may come back to haunt you. There have been stories recently of pre-marriage cheating that was discovered years later and it destroys a marriage. There's one recently where a married woman cheated, went to break up with the guy and he killed her. Pretty extreme, but you just don't know how this will effect your future. 

Lastly, you keep telling us how YOU would feel if he cheated, but what's really important is how HE would feel about you cheating. Don't tell us it won't matter because he won't find out. Lots of cheaters, and thieves, and murderers thought the same thing before they were caught. If you value this relationship, tell your BF and explain how you feel. If he breaks up with you then you and he aren't compatible at this time in your life. After going out and getting strange for a while you may find you are happier in a committed relationship, but you won't know until you do. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Well, I would wonder how much he knew this waitress and how clean she is. I didn't just go and cheat with some random guy I didn't know. I have known my friend for years. I've known him twice as long as I've known my boyfriend actually. Thats more my concern in that case his judgment. I know my boyfriend has some interest in like thresomes so maybe there's a level of openness he's OK with anyhow. I just don't like women so thats never been an option we've discussed.


You are looking for a open relationship. I would believe your BF was thinking FFM threesome. Why not ask? Why not ask your BF about open relationship.....once he says no then what? 

I'm really seeing here is a person doing their best to believe what they are doing a good and correct. Yet, has a problem letting their BF know about the fun on the playground. Which makes it anything but good and correct.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

So why are you here at TAM? You like what you did, you're probably going to do it again, AND you don't feel bad about it. You're just looking for attention. What do you expect people to say to you?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My only issue with telling about specific sexual preference with him is that I don't want to make him feel like he caby please me because he does and I love our sex life as it is. But you're right secrets never seem to lead to anything good. But I don't want him to leave if he were to find out about the situation with my friend and all.


So it appears the threesome and open relationship are not on the table. Your BF did not sign up for that. 

Tell your BF about your preference in bed and let him make the decision. All guys I know prefer to know what their partner likes between the sheets. It helps with connection and at a deep level. Sorry your BF does not get that courtesy.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Assuming this is real


Doubt it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Where the hell does this sense of utter entitlement come from in today's youth???? Holy crap, it pisses me off. There is something fundamental lacking in the way these kids are being raised. Whether this poster is real or not, her attitude is typical of what I guess are called 'millennials' and I shudder to think what the world is going to be like when people like this become world leaders in 20-40 years.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> So why are you here at TAM? You like what you did, you're probably going to do it again, AND you don't feel bad about it. You're just looking for attention. What do you expect people to say to you?


More than anything I just was asking what's wrong with my relationship? Because what I was reading was that cheating is a sign of relationship problems. But my main thing I don't see what went wrong


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Nickie Rivera said:


> More than anything I just was asking what's wrong with my relationship? Because what I was reading was that cheating is a sign of relationship problems. But my main thing I don't see what went wrong


Youth and inexperience went wrong. 

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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> More than anything I just was asking what's wrong with my relationship? Because what I was reading was that cheating is a sign of relationship problems. But my main thing I don't see what went wrong


Cheating is not necessarily the sign of a bad relationship. It usually is the sign of a broken person (the cheater), who, for one of many reasons, made the decision to cheat.

What went wrong is you decided to fool around with a guy, not your BF AND you didn't tell him. Cheating and lying go hand in hand.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Nickie Rivera said:


> But at the same time I have no desire to want break up. And I'm not unhappy with our relationship. Advice?


The fastest way to fix this relationship is to get pregnant. Nothing proves you love him more than promoting your boyfriend to baby daddy. Plus, babies are just so darn cute! Make sure you don't tell him you're off birth control either. Don't want to ruin the surprise!!!!


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> The fastest way to fix this relationship is to get pregnant. Nothing proves you love him more than promoting your boyfriend to baby daddy. Plus, babies are just so darn cute! Make sure you don't tell him you're off birth control either. Don't want to ruin the surprise!!!!


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

I have always had fantasies about bdsm and I'm more dominant. And there's some stuff my friend knows I like to do in that sense. That I'd never do with my bf. I also like different types of sex that my bf wouldn't like to do.

I don't blame this on my age rather my lack of experience during high school. I was pretty eccentric I could get a boyfriend back then so now I guess I'm paying the price now.

Maybe a better idea would be to be open relationship temporarily. I don't want to break up I'd be fine with an open relationship though.




TX-SC said:


> I can't quite get a handle on what exactly you are looking for. In one instance it seems like you just want some experience with other guys. On the other, it seems like maybe there is a specific sexual act you want that your BF doesn't like. Can you elaborate?
> 
> I know you don't want to hear this, but at 19 years old you should be out experiencing new things. I was in college at age 19 and you can bet that's what I was doing. I'm not saying you can't have a meaningful relationship at your age, but just realize you might need to just break up and try being with other people for a while.
> 
> ...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Where the hell does this sense of utter entitlement come from in today's youth????


In all respect, people have been saying those words for more decades than I've been alive. I was cheated on in the late 1980's by a female who felt that she was entitled to cheat.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I have always had fantasies about bdsm and I'm more dominant. And there's some stuff my friend knows I like to do in that sense. That I'd never do with my bf. I also like different types of sex that my bf wouldn't like to do.
> 
> Maybe a better idea would be to be open relationship temporarily. I don't want to break up I'd be fine with an open relationship though.


In case you didn't, you should have given your boyfriend a chance to decide himself if he would like to do those sexual types of things with you. He probably had no idea of who you really are. 

If your boyfriend has strong feelings for you, he won't be interested in an open relationship.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> You are looking for a open relationship. I would believe your BF was thinking FFM threesome. Why not ask? Why not ask your BF about open relationship.....once he says no then what?
> 
> I'm really seeing here is a person doing their best to believe what they are doing a good and correct. Yet, has a problem letting their BF know about the fun on the playground. Which makes it anything but good and correct.


Yeah he has expressed interests in a ffm thresomes. But I don't like women. I guess my best bet is to ask. Can't hurt.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do you prefer Betty Crocker or Duncan Hines?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Where the hell does this sense of utter entitlement come from in today's youth???? Holy crap, it pisses me off. There is something fundamental lacking in the way these kids are being raised.


Lack of work and disaplinary action? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

A lie of omission is still a lie. That means, it's still a lie even though you didn't tell him. You went behind his back for your own selfish gratification. That's all this is - selfish. If you had any morale character at all you will tell him what you did. If he's cool with it then by means bop away with other men.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to grow up and tell your wonderful BF you cheated on him, so that he can go get checked for STD's.

You said that you just didn't go sleep with some random person, but just so you know you have slept with all the guys that the the guy you slept with did, you should go get yourself checked as well.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Assuming the post is real:

The OP doesn't want to settle down with one person. That's fine. She just needs to tell her boyfriend. He may be happy with an open relationship, he may not. If he isn't, then the OP can find someone who is. Long term she will not be happy with someone who doesn't share her sexual interests.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The problem is with you and the fact that you have no morals. You don't give a shet about your bf or you would be honest with him. 

I only reason you haven't told him is because you know he would dump you on the spot.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

He will figure it out when you give him AIDs


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> In case you didn't, you should have given your boyfriend a chance to decide himself if he would like to do those sexual types of things with you. He probably had no idea of who you really are.
> 
> If your boyfriend has strong feelings for you, he won't be interested in an open relationship.


My boyfriend is straight and I'm non-binary and intersex so some things I want to do are outside of what I'd expect any straight guy to do most likely.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

CanadaDry said:


> A lie of omission is still a lie. That means, it's still a lie even though you didn't tell him. You went behind his back for your own selfish gratification. That's all this is - selfish. If you had any morale character at all you will tell him what you did. If he's cool with it then by means bop away with other men.


Well I know its wrong and thats why its a good idea I'm not doing it anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Well I know its wrong and thats why its a good idea I'm not doing it anymore.


Okay, so you know it's wrong. How about letting your bf know what you did so he can determine if it's "wrong" for him too?

Plus, why all the secrecy about the type of sex you want and the type your bf won't provide? I mean, get real here. I assure you, I've heard it and/or seen it all. Do you like anal? Orgies? Role playing? You aren't dealing with a bunch of prudes, just because we advocate honesty/transparency in a relationship. 

Can't you directly discuss with your bf your sexual needs/desires/preferences???


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Here's the problem, you already have done it. 

I would suggest getting a std test. Your friend being the way he is is high risk. He could have std's and not know it. And if you have been with your bf after your friend, then you have put your bf in harms way.


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

If you don't think cheating will "affect your relationship negatively" WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD HIM? 

Clearly you know damn well it will affect the relationship.....hence you keeping it from him.

Hopefully he finds out and dumps you.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> More than anything I just was asking what's wrong with my relationship? Because what I was reading was that cheating is a sign of relationship problems. But my main thing I don't see what went wrong


The problem with your relationship is that one of the people in it is immature, selfish, untrustworthy and manipulative, and the other person is being used.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My boyfriend is straight and I'm non-binary and intersex so some things I want to do are outside of what I'd expect any straight guy to do most likely.


 @Nickie Rivera

Nicky, what exactly do *you* mean by "non-binary and intersex?"

How does it impact on you and on your straight, conservative boyfriend?


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Lostme said:


> You need to grow up and tell your wonderful BF you cheated on him, so that he can go get checked for STD's.
> 
> You said that you just didn't go sleep with some random person, but just so you know you have slept with all the guys that the the guy you slept with did, you should go get yourself checked as well.


You're talking about my friend? He's very monogamous. He's not promiscuous in any sense. He's always liked relationships over one night stands and has always been faithful to one person etc.... I know all the people he's been with basically firsthand we always talk about our private lives. Back in hs we were basically the only two out lgbtqiap people and we've always talked about our private lives. I used a condom anyway. So I didn't risk STDs or anything.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR REMINDER:-*

Folks, please remember, be kind and be respectful to all members and posters at TAM.

This is not an attack on any one particular person, just a gentle reminder that being nice costs nothing but it does oil the wheels of human interactions and communications.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @Nickie Rivera
> 
> Nicky, what exactly do *you* mean by "non-binary and intersex?"
> 
> How does it impact on you and on your straight, conservative boyfriend?


I don't identify as male or female. Thats what non-binary means not male or female.

Intersex means being biologically both male and female. I have partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. I look mostly female and I didnt masculinize properly. I was reared male but my parents because of how I was born were really open minded to whatever I gravitated towards. And now for convenience I'm legally going to transition to live as a female on paper and I haven't taken hormones yet though. Generally mentally I'm ipso intersex as I'm not male or female but rather i identify with what I was at birth not male or female but in between. I like anal sex as a top and bottom. Not just as like a bottom. My bf wouldnt do anal receptive. It was just a cool little experiments with my friend tbh. I don't have to do it again and probably won't. I'm happy with just my bf tbh.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> The problem with your relationship is that one of the people in it is immature, selfish, untrustworthy and manipulative, and the other person is being used.


My cheating is one act over a whole year of different actions. Of which honestly was out of character ive never cheated on him before this or was deceptive to him. I try to be as honest as I can and I try to tell the truth as much as I can.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My cheating is one act over a whole year of different actions. Of which honestly was out of character ive never cheated on him before this or was deceptive to him. I try to be as honest as I can and I try to tell the truth as much as I can.


Try? You're either honest or you're not. You're only honest when it suites you. Ugh.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Loveontherocks said:


> If you don't think cheating will "affect your relationship negatively" WHY HAVEN'T YOU TOLD HIM?
> 
> Clearly you know damn well it will affect the relationship.....hence you keeping it from him.
> 
> ...


Well frankly if he doesn't know then it can't negatively affect our relationship especially since I didnt do it because of any issue with him exactly.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I don't identify as male or female. Thats what non-binary means not male or female.
> 
> Intersex means being biologically both male and female. I have partial androgen insensitivity syndrome. I look mostly female and I didnt masculinize properly.


Is your bf aware of this? Do you plan to begin transitioning soon?


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

prunus said:


> Try? You're either honest or you're not. You're only honest when it suites you. Ugh.


I should strive to do better.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Is your bf aware of this? Do you plan to begin transitioning soon?


Yeah he knows everything about my condition including being intersex and how I plan to transition only really on the legal level and somewhat hormonally I talked to my doctor I only want a low dose of estrogen. I don't want to change my body so much that I can't recognize myself. He's very supportive. He even offered months ago to pay for SRS when I'm further in my transition but I don't want SRS I'm fine with the way I am. But he totally accepts me.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

ABHale said:


> Here's the problem, you already have done it.
> 
> I would suggest getting a std test. Your friend being the way he is is high risk. He could have std's and not know it. And if you have been with your bf after your friend, then you have put your bf in harms way.


Are you saying because my friend is pansexual and not cishet that he's got STDs? It takes more than that to STDs like irresponsible actions. Which I think neither me my bf or my best friend for that matter partake in.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I may be wrong, but are you a hermaphrodite? If you are going to transition a bit, will you need surgery to change your genitals, or is it not an evident thing?

Look, Nickie, I can be a real hard a$$. But if what you are saying is true, I have genuine compassion for your situation. However, it does not justify screwing some other guy. Once you transition to what you wish to be, will your bf be able to really satisfy you?

Also, keep in mind your age. You have only been on this planet for 19 years. Granted, there are mature 19 year olds, but they only have a limited amount of life experience. I've lived a darned long time. Who I am now, compared to who I was at 19, is a light year's difference. The longer we live and the more we experience, the more we change.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Nickie Rivera said:


> More than anything I just was asking what's wrong with my relationship? Because what I was reading was that cheating is a sign of relationship problems. But my main thing I don't see what went wrong


Indeed, cheating is a sign of relationship problems. You are not completely satisfied in your so called perfect bf relationship. You two are not sexually compatible and this is huge because it will cause resentment in the long run. 

Be more secure in the feelings you two share and be completely honest with him. Tell him what fills you sexually and see if he wants to fill these needs that you have. 

Now, you say that he wants a threesome but with a female and you are not into that. If he asked, would you be willing to entertain that sexual route to keep him fulfilled and happy as well? 

A relationship requires compromise and complete transparency in order to have a fulfilling long term relationship. It doesn't look like he is the one for you and you are not the one for him long term. That's OK. You are very young and deserve to find complete fulfillment in that partner that will be your long term significant other in your life.

Don't settle for less at your age. You can have it all and be completely honest and open with that person that fulfills you in every way.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, so you know it's wrong. How about letting your bf know what you did so he can determine if it's "wrong" for him too?
> 
> Plus, why all the secrecy about the type of sex you want and the type your bf won't provide? I mean, get real here. I assure you, I've heard it and/or seen it all. Do you like anal? Orgies? Role playing? You aren't dealing with a bunch of prudes, just because we advocate honesty/transparency in a relationship.
> 
> Can't you directly discuss with your bf your sexual needs/desires/preferences???


I think I can be satisfied with the sex life I have as of now. It was just something I liked experiencing and I'm fine with never repeating it again.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I may be wrong, but are you a hermaphrodite? If you are going to transition a bit, will you need surgery to change your genitals, or is it not an evident thing?
> 
> Look, Nickie, I can be a real hard a$$. But if what you are saying is true, I have genuine compassion for your situation. However, it does not justify screwing some other guy. Once you transition to what you wish to be, will your bf be able to really satisfy you?
> 
> Also, keep in mind your age. You have only been on this planet for 19 years. Granted, there are mature 19 year olds, but they only have a limited amount of life experience. I've lived a darned long time. Who I am now, compared to who I was at 19, is a light year's difference. The longer we live and the more we experience, the more we change.


No I'm a hormonal hermaphrodite. I was born with partial androgen insensitivity syndrome grade 3 which is Reifenstein syndrome. My parents were recommended to raise me as a boy. And they did tentatively. When I turned 12 I feminised and didnt masculinize properly. I looked more and more female from this point. And by 17, I decided I wanted to not live as a man at all. I am not getting reassignment surgery. I am fine with the way I am overall. My parents held off any surgeries and currently don't want to be altered to look more male or to look more female.

I know it doesn't give me right to cheat on him and I don't intend to cheat on him. It was simply something I did and I can't take it back it is what it is its an experience. And I can't say I didn't enjoy it. But there's no way I'd value 5 minutes of pleasure over my relationship which I value more than any other with friends or family.

My boyfriend is who I want to be and grow to be like. I think as partners we're great together and like I said I could see us getting married in our future. I am pretty mature for my age. I don't think I'll end up feeling the way I do about someone other than my boyfriend the way I feel about him now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

No, what I am saying is anyone with multiple partners puts themselves at greater risk for STD's. Your friends on again off again bf puts him at a higher risk.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> Indeed, cheating is a sign of relationship problems. You are not completely satisfied in your so called perfect bf relationship. You two are not sexually compatible and this is huge because it will cause resentment in the long run.
> 
> Be more secure in the feelings you two share and be completely honest with him. Tell him what fills you sexually and see if he wants to fill these needs that you have.
> 
> ...


I am satisfied by sex with my bf alone. I just got a little extra with my friend got to do stuff I don't do on a daily basis and I don't want to do on a daily basis. That would be a bit over the top IMO.

I agree though I shouldn't hold back. But the fact that my bf likes vanilla sex and isn't a sub and doesn't receive anal sex. Doesn't make me dissatisfied in our sex life. But I should let him know my specific sexual preferences concerning this.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Oh I've known since I was 11 years old that I was attracted to men. I've never been attracted to women.

But I certainly agree ive got to make the most of my relationship.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The key to any worthwhile relationship is honesty and trust. You are still very young (19) and while I appreciate you are more mature than that, we all mess up frequently at that age to varying degrees.

If you plan on building a long term relationship with your boyfriend, let him know what happened. Work through why it happened (wanted different experiences). He may be furious, he may blow it off as not a big deal. But it gives him all the facts. You can figure out if he can meet your needs. I say this because you say you don't need to experience what you did with your friend again, but who is to say that 6 months, a year, 10 years you don't get the itch again. It lets your boyfriend know what your needs are and if he is willing/able to provide them for you.

You seem to project as a confident young woman and very comfortable as you are and that's great. Best wishes for continued success.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My boyfriend is straight and I'm *non-binary and intersex *so some things I want to do are outside of what I'd expect any straight guy to do most likely.


Im must not be up on the current terms but whats this mean in English?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Grapes said:


> Im must not be up on the current terms but whats this mean in English?


That she physically can and does go both genders; although her preference in mates is most certainly males. That was my take anyway. 

Her current bf is very conservative in that he doesn't like anal, probably will give but not receive or neither. If he really wants to keep her, he will try to satisfy her with her needs. After all, that is what most of us try to do for the most part with our partners unless some things are deal breakers and that is where compatibility needs to really get looked at.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> The key to any worthwhile relationship is honesty and trust. You are still very young (19) and while I appreciate you are more mature than that, we all mess up frequently at that age to varying degrees.
> 
> If you plan on building a long term relationship with your boyfriend, let him know what happened. Work through why it happened (wanted different experiences). He may be furious, he may blow it off as not a big deal. But it gives him all the facts. You can figure out if he can meet your needs. I say this because you say you don't need to experience what you did with your friend again, but who is to say that 6 months, a year, 10 years you don't get the itch again. It lets your boyfriend know what your needs are and if he is willing/able to provide them for you.
> 
> You seem to project as a confident young woman and very comfortable as you are and that's great. Best wishes for continued success.


Well I never had an itch to do it in the first place. It was my friend's idea. So thats why I think I'm going to be OK never doing it again.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Grapes said:


> Im must not be up on the current terms but whats this mean in English?


Intersex means I wasn't born with in my case trailditional male parts and my hormones are more similar in range to women's. I have partial androgen insensitivity syndrome grade 3 which is reifenstein syndrome essentially. Intersex means you don't have physical traits in common with the male sex and the female sex. Several intersex disorders are like klinefelters syndrome androgen insensitivity syndrome congenital adrenal hyperplasia aphalia testicular regression syndrome etc.... I'll like you to it

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> That she physically can and does go both genders; although her preference in mates is most certainly males. That was my take anyway.
> 
> Her current bf is very conservative in that he doesn't like anal, probably will give but not receive or neither. If he really wants to keep her, he will try to satisfy her with her needs. After all, that is what most of us try to do for the most part with our partners unless some things are deal breakers and that is where compatibility needs to really get looked at.


No lol thats so not me. I only like guys. When I was in high school I was actually thought to be gay (like as in a gay guy). I was reared male. Intersex just means I was born not male or female but inbetween. And I feel like I'm in-between not male or female. Most people think I'm just female by how I look. During puberty I got everything women get but not period more body hair and skinnier. But I have a female body habitus my voice didnt mature completely etc..

And I don't and can't have sex through traditional intercouse most people with androgen insensitivity can't well at not with a man. If you're grade 1 2 or even 3 of androgen insensitivity syndrome you can with a woman. But those with higher grades can't unless they have medical attention because the vaginal opening is too small.

Here's a link on what intersex is
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex

Partial AIS (PAIS)


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Intersex means I wasn't born with in my case trailditional male parts and my hormones are more similar in range to women's. I have partial androgen insensitivity syndrome grade 3 which is reifenstein syndrome essentially. Intersex means you don't have physical traits in common with the male sex and the female sex. Several intersex disorders are like klinefelters syndrome androgen insensitivity syndrome congenital adrenal hyperplasia aphalia testicular regression syndrome etc.... I'll like you to it
> 
> https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intersex


Thank you. learn something new everyday


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

So you don't have a fully functional vagina and your partners can't have PIV with you? You don't have a fully functional penis either or you do have a penis and can penetrate with it as well? 

Your boyfriend then likes to penetrate you anally but he doesn't enjoy being penetrated? Is he Bisexual because he does fantasize about being in a threesome with a female. How does he define you as, female, male, bi etc.? How old is this bf of yours? What kind of relationships was he in before you two hooked up?


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Grapes said:


> Thank you. learn something new everyday


No problem


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> So you don't have a fully functional vagina and your partners can't have PIV with you? You don't have a fully functional penis either or you do have a penis and can penetrate with it as well?
> 
> Your boyfriend then likes to penetrate you anally but he doesn't enjoy being penetrated? Is he Bisexual because he does fantasize about being in a threesome with a female. How does he define you as, female, male, bi etc.? How old is this bf of yours? What kind of relationships was he in before you two hooked up?


My bf identifies as straight. I look female I actually normally don't attract gay men because I look female. I have a body kind of like Iggy azalea pre-implants only I'm smaller bit a bit. Skinnier and shorter. So I definitely developed like a female. But was born both. But no my boyfriend isn't bisexual. He's just straight. And I don't have traditional male parts I'm not going into details about that. I want to transition to live as a female legally since I look like one anyway and I can't realistically live as a man. And I don't identify as man.

As far as the whole sexual thing. Yeah I'm also the bottom and generally am fine with that. I just experienced something different with my friend that I enjoyed but thats not a make or break to my relationship. Anymore than anything else I did with my best friend recently. I'm fine with my sex life with my boyfriend as it stands now.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My boyfriend is straight and I'm non-binary and intersex so some things I want to do are outside of what I'd expect any straight guy to do most likely.


I agree that you are probably right about that. However, your boyfriend would still appreciate the opportunity to tell you that he is not willing/able to do some of those sex acts. If your relationship needs to end, let it end based on openness and honesty.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> I agree that you are probably right about that. However, your boyfriend would still appreciate the opportunity to tell you that he is not willing/able to do some of those sex acts. If your relationship needs to end, let it end based on openness and honesty.


Yeah I should at least be open about this.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Oh nvm


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Well, I would wonder how much he knew this waitress and how clean she is. I didn't just go and cheat with some random guy I didn't know. I have known my friend for years. I've known him twice as long as I've known my boyfriend actually. Thats more my concern in that case his judgment.


You also, assuming this story is true, know your "friend" has a boyfriend and therefore either gay or bisexual. Homosexuals and bisexual men have the highest prevalence of STD's and HIV of any sub-group and knowing him for years does not make him any cleaner. If a random imagined waitress makes you"wonder" about "how clean she is", that is nothing compared to the full blown panic a rational boyfriend should have upon discovering his exclusive girlfriend is having wild experimental sex with an active homosexual. 

Your boyfriend is not your pet, he should know the truth about his life so he can protect himself from your hurtful, entitled, risky behavior if he chooses to.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Thats the thing I don't see exactly how this hurt him if he doesnt know and I'm not lying to him about wanting to be with him. I don't see how this hurts anything. But I also know I won't continue to cheat which compounds why I don't feel anything negative because I dot see how my cheating will affect my relationship negatively.


Girl, you are only a kid who hasn't explored the world yet. Do yourself and your BF a favour and tell him you do not want to be exclusive. 
On another note, as a human being it is not ideal that you think it is ok to cheat, that kind of thing will carry into more serious relationships, make a decision now who you want to be, how you want to treat others, and finally would you be ok with this if your boyfriend did exactly the same to you, i.e. shagged a girl a few times because he wanted to.......


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Quality said:


> You also, assuming this story is true, know your "friend" has a boyfriend and therefore either gay or bisexual. Homosexuals and bisexual men have the highest prevalence of STD's and HIV of any sub-group and knowing him for years does not make him any cleaner. If a random imagined waitress makes you"wonder" about "how clean she is", that is nothing compared to the full blown panic a rational boyfriend should have upon discovering his exclusive girlfriend is having wild experimental sex with an active homosexual.
> 
> Your boyfriend is not your pet, he should know the truth about his life so he can protect himself from your hurtful, entitled, risky behavior if he chooses to.



My friends are usually lgbtqap etc.... My boyfriend knows that. And my friend is panssexual he's not gay. He actually often dates transgender or genderqueer not just cismen and ciswomen. He is very monogamous always getting tested hasn't ever had one so far he's very clean fastidious very discriminating etc on who he dates etc... My boyfriend knows him and know most of my friend are either transgender gay or pansexual. Risky behavior would involve people who don't take care if themselves well. I TDI I always protect myself no matter what.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Well I never had an itch to do it in the first place. It was my friend's idea. So thats why I think I'm going to be OK never doing it again.


"I actually enjoyed the sex and wish I could repeat it"

That's what you said in your opening post.

Nickie you've been given 5 pages of advice from folks offering what you need to do to have a healthy, honest relationship with your boyfriend, but you get argumentative with just about every poster.

Not sure if you are actually looking for advice or are just looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear, so here goes:

"Nah, don't tell him anything, what your man don't know won't hurt him. What you do on your time ain't his business anyways"

Good luck


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Nickie Rivera

Nickie, I expect that you are already either in counselling or that you have a counsellor you could speak with.

Tell him/her what you have told us, run it past them and see what their take on it is.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Wow, as a traditional person your post was confusing. So what's the age gap? He is non-binary/intersex? So does that mean....what the hell? Okay, so you said you could do things with the other guy you couldn't do with your boyfriend. So does that mean because he is non-binary or whatever (sorry) he won't have sex with you a certain way?


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

aine said:


> Girl, you are only a kid who hasn't explored the world yet. Do yourself and your BF a favour and tell him you do not want to be exclusive.
> On another note, as a human being it is not ideal that you think it is ok to cheat, that kind of thing will carry into more serious relationships, make a decision now who you want to be, how you want to treat others, and finally would you be ok with this if your boyfriend did exactly the same to you, i.e. shagged a girl a few times because he wanted to.......


I mostly agree with the latter part. I can't go forward with cheating being an option that would certainly destroy my relationship. Its not something I should do or anything I plan to do in the future.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> "I actually enjoyed the sex and wish I could repeat it"
> 
> That's what you said in your opening post.
> 
> ...


I'm not trying to be argumentative I was just sharing my point of view. I'm sorry if that appeared to you as argumentative.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> @Nickie Rivera
> 
> Nickie, I expect that you are already either in counselling or that you have a counsellor you could speak with.
> 
> Tell him/her what you have told us, run it past them and see what their take on it is.


I have appts far between I won't see her until next week. But yeah I do plan to tell her what has been going on since my last session.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)




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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

EunuchMonk said:


> Wow, as a traditional person your post was confusing. So what's the age gap? He is non-binary/intersex? So does that mean....what the hell? Okay, so you said you could do things with the other guy you couldn't do with your boyfriend. So does that mean because he is non-binary or whatever (sorry) he won't have sex with you a certain way?


My bf is in his 30's. And my boyfriend is actually straight. I'm intersex which is biologically both sexes. I don't identify as male or female that's what nonbinary means. My boyfriend is straight pretty traditional so I don't think he would be interested in switching stuff up on that level. But I think I'm going to try.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I look female I actually normally don't attract gay men because I look female. I have a body kind of like Iggy azalea pre-implants only I'm smaller bit a bit. Skinnier and shorter. So I definitely developed like a female. But was born both.


How the heck do you decide which public bathroom to use?


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

browser said:


> How the heck do you decide which public bathroom to use?


Its actually easier now. In high school I got a lot of problems because I really didnt look male and was shaped all wrong for a guy I tended to avoid the bathroom as much as I could. As someone people read as female its a lot easier now.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Here my 2 cents :

First, never forget, Actions speak louder than words, so your action will show what you really think, not your words.

Second, you either see your bf as your partner or your pet, the difference is quite simple :

You decide what is good or not for your pet, you let your partner decides what is good for him or not.

As now, your actions show you consider your bf as your pet.

If it is not what you feel, it's time to show you see him as your partner, by letting him decide.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nickie Rivera said:


> My bf identifies as straight. I look female I actually normally don't attract gay men because I look female. I have a body kind of like *Iggy azalea pre-implants *only I'm smaller bit a bit. Skinnier and shorter. So I definitely developed like a female. But was born both.


Okay. Inquiring minds want to know. You have stated your bf is a traditional type of guy. Fine. But WTF is an "Iggy azalea pre-implant"? Please explain. Trust me on this: I'm not looking to titillate myself with your genitalia, but you are honestly being vague. This is a marriage forum. People can be pretty blunt. I am blunt. 

So, do you have a fully functional vagina or not? Given your bf is a straight guy, what the heck is he lacking that made you go elsewhere? Is it his scruples? Your "plumbing"? Seriously.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Inquiring minds want to know. You have stated your bf is a traditional type of guy. Fine. But WTF is an "Iggy azalea pre-implant"? Please explain. Trust me on this: I'm not looking to titillate myself with your genitalia, but you are honestly being vague. This is a marriage forum. People can be pretty blunt. I am blunt.
> 
> So, do you have a fully functional vagina or not? Given your bf is a straight guy, what the heck is he lacking that made you go elsewhere? Is it his scruples? Your "plumbing"? Seriously.


Iggy Azalea is a female Australian rapper who lives in the USA.

I am only speculating that Nickie looks like Iggy did before Iggy had implants? :scratchhead:


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@MattMatt - So was Iggy a male prior to implants? I don't listen to rap at all. Never heard of Iggy. I'm not posing questions to the OP'er because I get my jollies from this stuff; I merely want to understand what the hey this is all about. I think a number of us are a bit confused, perhaps???:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> @MattMatt - So was Iggy a male prior to implants? I don't listen to rap at all. Never heard of Iggy. I'm not posing questions to the OP'er because I get my jollies from this stuff; I merely want to understand what the hey this is all about. I think a number of us are a bit confused, perhaps???:scratchhead:


She is an Australian female rap artist.

Her real name is Amethyst Amelia Kelly.

And yes, she has had breast implants.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Inquiring minds want to know. You have stated your bf is a traditional type of guy. Fine. But WTF is an "Iggy azalea pre-implant"? Please explain. Trust me on this: I'm not looking to titillate myself with your genitalia, but you are honestly being vague. This is a marriage forum. People can be pretty blunt. I am blunt.
> 
> So, do you have a fully functional vagina or not? Given your bf is a straight guy, what the heck is he lacking that made you go elsewhere? Is it his scruples? Your "plumbing"? Seriously.





MattMatt said:


> Iggy Azalea is a female Australian rapper who lives in the USA.
> 
> I am only speculating that Nickie looks like Iggy did before Iggy had implants? :scratchhead:


I don't look like Iggy azalea. I just said I had the same build as her before she had her breasts implants. Only I'm thinner and shorter like I have slimmer legs. And an hourglass shape (wider shoulders that match up to my hips). I was specifically just saying I was basically curvy like her. I don't look like her. I'm Hispanic lol but yeah I was just saying I have the similar body shape to her just slimmer than her. I was just saying that I developed a female body and that I appear female. Which is why I'm legally transitioning to be legally female. Because thats realistically what I'm going to be like at work and the like.

And if you looked up androgen insensitivity syndrome a grade 6 or 7 still might need dilators.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Partial_androgen_insensitivity_syndrome


So there's your answer


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> Okay. Inquiring minds want to know. You have stated your bf is a traditional type of guy. Fine. But WTF is an "Iggy azalea pre-implant"? Please explain. Trust me on this: I'm not looking to titillate myself with your genitalia, but you are honestly being vague. This is a marriage forum. People can be pretty blunt. I am blunt.
> 
> So, do you have a fully functional vagina or not? Given your bf is a straight guy, what the heck is he lacking that made you go elsewhere? Is it his scruples? Your "plumbing"? Seriously.


I forgot the last question you asked mainly because he's the only guy I was with. And plus like I said I could do stuff I didnt do with my bf. I have never been with anyone resides my bf. Since my bf is straight I could never switch this up like I did with my friend. Basically I could never be a top with him. And then the fact that he's traditional he's definitely not into bdsm.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I don't look like Iggy azalea. I just said I had the same build as her before she had her breasts implants. Only I'm thinner and shorter like I have slimmer legs. And an hourglass shape (wider shoulders that match up to my hips). I was specifically just saying I was basically curvy like her. I don't look like her. I'm Hispanic lol but yeah I was just saying I have the similar body shape to her just slimmer than her. I was just saying that I developed a female body and that I appear female. Which is why I'm legally transitioning to be legally female. Because thats realistically what I'm going to be like at work and the like.
> 
> And if you looked up androgen insensitivity syndrome a grade 6 or 7 still might need dilators.
> 
> ...


Oh, now I understand.

And you probably don't have an Australian accent, either? 

Not sure Iggy does, now, though.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Since my bf is straight I could never switch this up like I did with my friend.


I'm sorry to come across as dimwitted, and I DID read your link. But when you say, "switching up" I assume you have a penis, or something like it ....



Nickie Rivera said:


> Basically I could never be a top with him. And then the fact that he's traditional he's definitely not into bdsm.


Uh, okay. You cannot be on top of your bf. Regardless of what type of plumbing you have, you can be on top. I hope you realize I don't read between the lines. He's "traditional" so he's not into bdsm? WTF??? My late husband was strictly hetero, but he enjoyed bondage. I didn't, but he really liked being tied up. He also got into HARD spanking. I think my husband was about as straight as they come. Maybe you are short-selling your bf on this. 

Trust me, "traditional" is strictly a subjective term ... And God only knows WHAT type of genitalia you have. Frankly, this entire thread is too full of innuendo for me to figure out.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I'm sorry to come across as dimwitted, and I DID read your link. But when you say, "switching up" I assume you have a penis, or something like it ....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have pais grade 3. Neither/nor or both. I don't have traditional male genitalia. And yeah I was meaning top as in penetrating


.Partial AIS (PAIS)

Basically I'm ambiguous.


Well he talks really poorly about shades of gray. I don't know much above it it but he said he tried to read and that it was terrible and then he started talking about how its abnormal and the like. I just feel discouraged. Its something I can talk to him about but doubt it'll go anywhere. The sex we do have I generally enjoy so its all good either way tbh.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Well he talks really poorly about shades of gray. I don't know much above it it but he said he tried to read and that it was terrible and then he started talking about how its abnormal and the like. I just feel discouraged. Its something I can talk to him about but doubt it'll go anywhere. The sex we do have I generally enjoy so its all good either way tbh.


I agree with your bf about Shades of Grey. The book, quite frankly, sucked. I read about 50 pages and just got bored with the entire premise.

Regardless, you are 19. He's in his 30's. This is not meant as a judgmental put down, but I wonder why he is hanging with you. After all, he is traditional and you want to explore your sexuality. Honestly, at 19 I sure as hell didn't want to get married to anyone, even if it was five years up the road.

Why not just date and explore who you are? I'm not saying you are immature, but you have only lived 19 years. I was 19 myself. Looking back to that time, I thought my parents were morons, nobody could tell me what to do, I would live forever, and I could do whatever I wanted to do. Life changes us. We experience more grief, anger, love, setbacks, and everything in between.

In a couple of years, I have the feeling you may want to move on from your traditional bf. That's not written in stone, but we are evolving creatures; we change with time. 

I just don't think this guy sounds like your soul mate right now ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you arent prepared to be faithful then dont be in a serious relationship.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> IF you arent prepared to be faithful then dont be in a serious relationship.


I'm ready to commit that I know for sure. I don't plan to continue anything with my friend and since things have been just the way they were before the incidences. And my friend is just a friend nothing more.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I'm ready to commit that I know for sure.


A few rounds w/ Christian McD**chebag and you're suddenly "ready to commit"?

LOL.

No you're not.



Nickie Rivera said:


> I don't plan to continue anything with my friend and since things have been just the way they were before the incidences.


You planning on owning up to these "incidences"?



Nickie Rivera said:


> And my friend is just a friend nothing more.


He might not agree.


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## HD48 (Jan 14, 2017)

Nickie Rivera said:


> Well, I would wonder how much he knew this waitress and how clean she is. I didn't just go and cheat with some random guy I didn't know. I have known my friend for years. I've known him twice as long as I've known my boyfriend actually. Thats more my concern in that case his judgment. I know my boyfriend has some interest in like thresomes so maybe there's a level of openness he's OK with anyhow. I just don't like women so thats never been an option we've discussed.


Is this really a real thread? You're talking about someone being "clean" as if you are able to just look at the person and know that is the case? You're having sex with someone who is bisexual, which, by definition places him more at high-risk for sexually-transmitted diseases than someone who is monogamous and heterosexual. Look up the list of these diseases and how they are contracted: *HIV, Herpes, HPV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis, trichomoniasis*, etc. You may often be without any symptoms and still have one or more of these. Seriously, wake up! Don't think you're not at risk, and that it won't happen to you. If I were you, I'd get tested and stop what you're doing, having sex as if it's just like texting or getting lunch.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I have to admit that I simply can't wrap my head around what the OP is trying to get across to us as far as her gender role goes and I think a lot of us have kind of gotten hung up on that because we simply can't wrap our head around the relationships going on.

If the OP's "experiment" included being the "top" with her friend this implies she has enough male genitalia and it is functional enough to penetrate another person with , than we struggle with the fact that she has a straight boyfriend. Not to mention I don't know that we are clear on if the OP is able to have "traditional sex (PIV)" with her boyfriend because I don't think we are clear on whether or not the OP has a functional vagina or to what degree of female orientation and genitalia she has. This means we are all sort of feeling our way around in the dark on this and getting no where.

One thing that I do want to advise on is something that seems to have been overlooked in all of this. @NickieRivera I understand that you feel a connection with your boyfriend and that the emotional bond is strong but the future of your relationship is doomed. I say this because it is clear to me that you and your boyfriend are not sexually compatible. Your sexual interests do not align with your partners and in time this will become a real issue in your relationship. After years of this you will start to feel resentful because your needs aren't being met and your desires to be more adventurous in your sexual interests will start to be overwhelming. Sexual incompatibility is a leading cause for the failure of many marriages.

I really do think you need to give some long hard thought to whether you will be satisfied in a relationship that is sexually one sided and only meeting a small portion of your interests. There is no shame in having these interests and there is nothing wrong with them but you should be partnered with somebody that shares them or you are setting yourself and your partner up for a lot of heartache.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I'm ready to commit that I know for sure. I don't plan to continue anything with my friend and since things have been just the way they were before the incidences. And my friend is just a friend nothing more.


Then you need to come clean with your boyfriend and let him decide what he wants to do.


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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I've been with my boyfriend for a year now. Ive stood by him despite some people's disapproval. We have a gap in age differences and some of my friends and family don't approve of it. I'm 19 so there's nothing wrong with our relationship some people are just a bit judgmental. He's typically straight and has very conservative traditional views but despite this loves me for who I am even if that goes against his beliefs with me being non-binary and intersex who is very progressive. Our relationship is perfect in that I would never look for a relationship with anyone else I love and respect him and wish to be like him someday. I could see in five years us being married partners. And I could see us spending our lives together for the next decades. Its a dream of mine to marry him someday. I'll definitely be ecstatic if or when he would propose to me a few years from now likely. Anyhow its just a sexual thing. I need kind of. Our sex life is great but he's the only guy or girl for that matter I've ever been with. I kind of just wanted a different type. I have different types that are my type of guy. Well recently, I had sex a few times with another guy. He's a friend of mine since I was 6. We've never had any sexual relationship before. And I have no emotional feelings towards him outside of our friendship. He doesnt feel that way about me at all either. He actually has an on and off boyfriend that he is very into but his bf doesn't really seem to feel the same which is why its an on and off relationship, most likely not going to work. But he's always in the habit of falling for people who really don't love him back in high school he wasted two years with a girl that wanted to be with anyone but him etc.... But he certainly has no interest in me since his bf has took him back and I don't feel that way for him. It was clearly just sexual. But I read recently cheating means something's wrong with my relationship. For me I just wanted to do stuff I couldn't do with my boyfriend basically. But I have, absolutely, no interest in breaking up. I am not unhappy with my relationship. My boyfriend is the best, and I don't want anyone else. Yet, I don't feel bad about it. I actually enjoyed the sex and wish I could repeat it. Ideally, I would like to repeat with my boyfriend, but that could never happen. Sometimes you know what people are capable of and not capable of. But at the same time I have no desire to want break up. And I'm not unhappy with our relationship. Advice?



OK. Tell him your screwing other dudes if he's so OK with it. And no it's not your relationship that has something wrong with it......... You are treating your relationship like it's already an "open" one without even considering how he might feel, or asking if it would hurt him. You are a very inconsiderate, person who thinks waaayyyy to much of yourself tbh


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

bankshot1993 said:


> I have to admit that I simply can't wrap my head around what the OP is trying to get across to us as far as her gender role goes and I think a lot of us have kind of gotten hung up on that because we simply can't wrap our head around the relationships going on.
> 
> If the OP's "experiment" included being the "top" with her friend this implies she has enough male genitalia and it is functional enough to penetrate another person with , than we struggle with the fact that she has a straight boyfriend. Not to mention I don't know that we are clear on if the OP is able to have "traditional sex (PIV)" with her boyfriend because I don't think we are clear on whether or not the OP has a functional vagina or to what degree of female orientation and genitalia she has. This means we are all sort of feeling our way around in the dark on this and getting no where.
> 
> ...


I already said I was born with pais grade 3.

Partial AIS (PAIS)

Yes I can be a top but I used a sleeve/extension. But I only did it with my friend not my boyfriend. I wasn't born just male. I am intersex. So it wouldn't make my bf gay because I was born female and male. I look female added to that. I have nothing really masculine about me other than. My voice is about 185 hzs normal speech it goes up and down. But generally female voice nearly androgynous. Everything else is pretty feminine. I'm 5'7" I have a body similar to Iggy azalea/Kerrie McMahon. I like short or medium length hair for a girl and no one confuses me for a guy. I don't have any traits that actually look like a guys. I am subtly bigger boned than females just like a woman with complete androgen insensitivity syndrome. I've been told when I went blond I looked like a prettier curvier tan version of karlie kloss. I don't at all look like a guy. Which is why living as a guy never worked because I look more like a woman. I would live as a guy if I passed well but I don't. Either way I don't feel anymore female than I do male. Gay guys don't usually find me attractive. Normally straight guys or bisexual guys tend to be more interested in me especially than gay guys. My boyfriend is no exception. I don't have traditional male genitalia so its not like I'm a transsexual. I'm not traditionally female or male. Generally I am pretty tomboyish but that really doesn't change anything. I like to fix cars and I love football etc... I generally prefer they them their pronouns. Before I hit puberty I had mostly male friends. I played with girl and boy toys I do wear make though. And I never really care what clothing I wore. Nowadays I prefer pants/jeans casual especially I don't like heels and I don't like long hair. I don't like to do my nails. I don't like jewelry or accessories either. I just pretty neutrally. But I look female so thats what people read me as. I had my hair cut 3 inches 7 months ago people thought I was a lesbian or something but still female born. IMO women with cais are women they identity as that usually and also have to use dilators to be able to have piv sex. I'm not into changing my genitalia. I am fine with anal sex so is my boyfriend. Being female is really not about how functional ones vagina is. Generally I'm female in the sexual characteristics.

I am actually very much sexually attracted to him. When I was still in high school I had sex dreams about him very often. All I really wanted back then was to actually get in his pants. Back then I was also a total bottom. It has never changed the type of guys ive wanted to date were like him. My friend is kind of like how I think I'd be if I were a guy only not gay. My friend isn't unattractive he just never turned me on like my boyfriend does. And has always been. We have sex at least once a day. So I'm not consistently doing something I don't enjoying. I like bigger guys. Physically and more endowed. My friend is like neither. It was fun at the time but not long term. I love my boyfriend and could imagine marrying him in a few years. I think he is the one I made a mistake with my friend. I wouldn't do it again. My sex life isn't one sided at all. He reciprocates as much as I do. I just was saying sex was different with my friend than it was my boyfriend. ****ing without any feelings tied to it is just different to begin with. The experience was bound to be different with my friend who's very different from my boyfriend in general. Honestly the whole top thing and bdsm is a small portion of my sexual needs. Its hardly a need at all.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

HD48 said:


> Is this really a real thread? You're talking about someone being "clean" as if you are able to just look at the person and know that is the case? You're having sex with someone who is bisexual, which, by definition places him more at high-risk for sexually-transmitted diseases than someone who is monogamous and heterosexual. Look up the list of these diseases and how they are contracted: *HIV, Herpes, HPV, syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis, trichomoniasis*, etc. You may often be without any symptoms and still have one or more of these. Seriously, wake up! Don't think you're not at risk, and that it won't happen to you. If I were you, I'd get tested and stop what you're doing, having sex as if it's just like texting or getting lunch.


My friend is pansexual. And he has never had an std. Either way we both wore condoms as we both believe in safe sex.


And its ignorant to say bisexuals have STDs thats no different from how some people try to say black and hispanic Americans have aids or w.e. when we don't just because the number is higher in our communities doesn't mean we all have aids.


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## HD48 (Jan 14, 2017)

Actually, it is not an "ignorant comment" at all. The bisexual and gay population are statistically at much greater risk of contracting STD's, you can look it up. If a man has sex with another man, then that form of sex is a higher risk. Then, you have sex with him, etc. Basically, you're having sex with the man he has already had sex with. It has nothing to do with "black and Hispanic Americans", in that type of argument. This is not a racial thing. This is about sexually transmitted diseases. For you to even try to make that argument is what is ignorant. All I am trying to do is educate you about the risks. If you believe condoms are the end-all to protect you, you need to do more research.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Nickie Rivera said:


> I already said I was born with pais grade 3.
> 
> Partial AIS (PAIS)
> 
> ...


I understand that you are attracted to your partner and I'm not questioning your appearance as a woman. I'm not even questioning the sexuality of your boyfriend and I'm not trying to figure out what plumbing you have got going on. I certainly understand that it is more than just a working vagina that makes a woman a woman. I've read through the information on the link and everything on there is pretty broad strokes so although I get the concept I'm not understanding the particulars nor is my understanding of the particulars really necessary for my point.

My point being that there are a great many couples out there that start off great. They love each other, they are infatuated and want each other all the time because they are wrapped up in the newness of the relationship and the excitement that comes with that. Eventually though, that excitement wears off and you end up with a couple that has a low demand partner matched with a high demand partner and that is when issues start.

Low demand/ high demand is only one aspect of sexual compatibility. You say that the BDSM interests and your experiment with your friend is a small insignificant part of your sexuality and you have no issue with forgoing it but will you feel like that five years from now? ten years from now? If you want to do some real homework go over to the sex in marriage forum and have a look at the issues over there. It is full of people that thought it wasn't a big deal but now they feel like they have wasted twenty years of their life with a partner because those interests that they thought were insignificant are becoming more and more prevalent in their thinking , and its mainly because it remains an unexplored part of who they are.

For appearances sake you look like a woman, and you identify to yourself (for the most part) as a women, great. This doesn't change the fact that in some ways, you have the biological influences, however small, of a male in some ways and as such these biological influences will play a role in your sexuality. You can deny them all you want but that wont make them go away. Even the interests in BDSM will eventually become something that you will want to explore and if you are with a very vanilla partner when you yourself are more open and adventurous, you will eventually start to foster some resentments regarding feeling like you are being held back.

I realize that I know very little of your situation and have an even more limited understanding of you and how your biology works. My understanding is limited to more traditional roles with a slightly more expanded understanding of human nature so perhaps my thoughts and remarks are way off base. I caution you, be honest with yourself, not just about your feelings but what it is that will bring you a complete life not just a partial one. A few people have suggested an open relationship and admittedly a few did that with a little malice in their intent but in the bigger picture this may be a better option for you. Perhaps for now you are content with monogamy (with exception of course to your recent indiscretion) but in the future it may be a direction you need to go to satisfy curiosities and interests that arise out of your unusual circumstances. You should know if this is something that your partner may be willing to do a few years down the road, before you waste your time and his.

I do wish you good luck and I must admit I find your situation so intriguing because of the unusual circumstances of your situation. I would love to sit down with you for a day and just talk, I'm sure it would offer me a great many insights and understandings that I crave.


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## Nickie Rivera (Jan 18, 2017)

HD48 said:


> Actually, it is not an "ignorant comment" at all. The bisexual and gay population are statistically at much greater risk of contracting STD's, you can look it up. If a man has sex with another man, then that form of sex is a higher risk. Then, you have sex with him, etc. Basically, you're having sex with the man he has already had sex with. It has nothing to do with "black and Hispanic Americans", in that type of argument. This is not a racial thing. This is about sexually transmitted diseases. For you to even try to make that argument is what is ignorant. All I am trying to do is educate you about the risks. If you believe condoms are the end-all to protect you, you need to do more research.


Do you know the statistics on HIV? The rate is much hire in Hispanic and black Americans. That doesnt mean most of us have it. It just means the virus occurs more frequently. Interracial sex isn't considered high risk is it? Same with lgbt people. Which is actually lower depending on other factors.

Ive never had an std and am Latin american descent. High rates means like 3-6% of the population is infected. It certainly isn't the majority in any community. BTW I dont identify as straight either. Sexuality has nothing to do with std status but sexual behavior does.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Okay a few simple principles go a long way. Treat those you love how you want people who love you to treat you. You seem to know your guy wouldn't like or be comfortable with any of this and you're okay with hiding it. Surely you don't want him doing a bunch of things you wouldn't like and pretending otherwise. I'm not even talking about cheating and sex and all that. Just anything that he knew would hurt you but chose to do it anyway and didn't care. If he did that then I would say he doesn't love you at all. Since the shoes on the other foot then it looks like you don't love him at all. You say you do but love isn't about hurting people. It's quite the opposite.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Stop cheatin and fess up.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Stop cheatin and fess up.


Can you imagine if that worked?

Every time someone posts on an internet forum that they are cheating on their committed exclusive relationship partner, and someone tells them to "fess up" they actually did?

What a time saver.


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