# What do you say....??? ADVICE PLEASE?



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I'm 4 months separated from my H. He left me, I didn't want it. 

I have been trying to get out a couple of nights a week to dance class and a few days ago, a guy I've chatted with on a couple of occasions looked at my wedding ring and asked if I'm married. 

I found it really hard. I didn't know what to say. Since my H left I have changed to wearing my ring on my right hand ring finger instead of left. I don't quite know why.....I am not ready to take it off, yet it feels too painful or false to wear it on the left. This is like an 'intermediate' step for me.

I don't really know if this guy was just being friendly or whether he was trying to 'check me out'. 

I didn't want to say i'm not married cos 1. it's not true and 2. it felt way too upsetting (I'm taking a long time to come to terms with this - very painful, crying a lot etc). 

Do people come out and just say 'i'm separated' or what? 

And what if I liked this guy? Does it depend if you are 'interested'? I don't think I'm ready for anything yet, but now I'm starting to think....what if I do want a guy to pay some attention to me and feel good about myself as a woman again? 

If I say I'm married then I imagine he'll just back off. If I say i'm separated, he might back off too.....but then does that mean I have to 'pretend' I'm not married to get any where......I don't know if I could do that....

I just found the whole experience really confusing and painful. it was the first time that I was meeting a new person when I had to define my marital status since he left me and I felt really tearful afterward.....

PLEASE!!!! what do other people do in these situations???? Really could use some advice....any comments???


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My guess is he asked either because he was confused that you were wearing it on the wrong hand, or he was showing interest.

I think you should take it off. He has been gone, 4 months. You say you might like the attention of a man. Taking off the ring will give you a better chance of getting that attention. Once you get the attention, you can decide if you are ready to act on it. Might be good for your psyche just to get the attention for now.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

THANK YOU SAM!!! I am in the process of taking off my ring as we speak.....I think you are right, this could be good for me......

since reading your post I have also recalled that 2 years into our marriage my H lost his ring in the swimming pool and never replaced it.....no wonder he got so much female attention.....

Out of interest, are you a man? Just it would be useful to know for the perspective!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I have taken off my ring. I put it in some tissue sealed up with tape and in a special place. I've had a little cry.  This is a big step for me.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Yes I am a man


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

well thank you so much because your reply has just allowed me to take a really important step that I think I was wondering about in the back of my mind, but I wasn't quite able to follow though on alone......so amazing the way a complete stranger can make such a huge difference! 

still leaves the question though of 'what to say'??


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

just say...it's complicated ...i don't know though...this one is tough....i guess say what you feel :/

so sorry that you're battling the same battle as most of us here


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I always favor the truth.

I would just say, "recently separated"


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

vivea....that's very interesting what you say cos that's EXACTLY what I ended up saying.....'it's complicated' I was just so on the spot and unprepared.....

on reflection though, I realize that hearing that someone's life is 'complicated' is hardly a turn on.... 

Sam, I'm thinking saying 'separated' might be the way forward. I might practice saying 'I'm separated' out loud to myself in the mirror to get used to what it feels like....I know it sounds nutty but then maybe I might feel less upset when I have to tell someone?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> just say...it's complicated ..


:rofl:That is SO funny and ironic! I just got home from a club. Met a few friends and saw a great band and me and my girlfriend were dancing with these two nice guys. One of them said they were "let out of the house" because his friend's wife was having girlfriends over. I asked if he were married and he said "Well, it's 'complicated'. I laughed and said "Same here". 

I think it's a good line. I never wore my wedding ring (too much trouble, especially with the work I do) but I was always with my husband when I went out to clubs until recently. I'm not ready to date but I don't mind the attention at all. I had a good time just dancing with some nice guys and my friends. The important thing is that I CAN go out and have a good time without him. 

I think my response would depend on the man. If he's not my type, I'm 'married'. If he's cool then I'll either say it's 'complicated' or I'm 'separated'. If and when I'm ready to see other people then I'll figure out what else to say. 

If you are crying over taking off your wedding ring I'd say you aren't ready to date. Take this time to heal and rebuild yourself before you give of yourself to another person. 

In other words, just have fun and relax.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

yes freak, thank you for replying, I agree....I don't feel ready to see anyone quite yet....I am still hurting really bad and often teary....taking off the wedding ring yesterday was a big thing for me....

I guess though I would like the attention of other guys....self confidence boost or what ever.... a very long time since I felt good about myself as an attractive, sexy women. I'm 30, no kids and I don't want my life to end yet....I loved my H very deeply and am feeling really deeply wounded by what he did to our marriage.....

When I said to this guy that I was married but 'it's complicated' he just responded by laughing and saying 'marriage is complicated'....so I get you, it's not such a bad thing to say.....but if I liked the guy.....could it be a real turn off???

as you say, maybe just stick to 'separated' or 'complicated' for the time being until I'm ready to think again......and yes!!!!!! for guys where there's no interest, who cares!!!!!!

oooooo why is everything so hard and confusing???????.....any suggestions and comments are welcome!


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