# My Wife filed for Divorse Today :(



## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

I should have seen this coming but there has been lots of problems in our marriage. We have gone though counseling. I still do love here but, we have had issues and financial is one of them.

I am having issues finding full time work in Vancouver BC. Very competitive job field and have not worked for another employed in my line of work for four years now. I only subcontract and the income is dismal. 

It has caused a great strain on our marriage. Wife is the bread winner making 45 thousand a year. Me about 12 grand total for last year. She is one of these types of woman, who does not refrain from speaking what is on her mind. She has had anger issues in the past "control issues". Her family has had issues in the past. Angry DAd who was controlling and verbally abusive with kids. Dad hit my wife, who was a teen then. The family lived a conservative faith based life and did not let them date anyone till late in life. Parents always fight "ive seen it" with verbal insults from time to time. Mom is paranoid.

Anyway, for the last ten years, wife has always made threats "if you dont like it here you can leave or, if you do not like Canada, move back to Washington". I admit, there are some areas I need to work on...even if means being on the bottom of the totem pole and be a janitor to bring in the extra income. 

She has been talking to me tonight about what items we need to split up "I hate that talk...because I do not make enough to pay the really high rent here" She said she does not hate me and we can still be friends. But I DO want it to work. We have gone though counseling so...I need to go.


If this marrige is salvageable, What are the top most important things a woman needs to make it salvageable? she does work full time but as she said, its not enough. She has also had high credit card debts as long as we been married for ten years. she NEVER wanted to bring up her credit card debt at the beginning of our marriage or during our marriage. 

She can be very emotional. Once the 5 dollar scale was left on the set it and forget it machine and melted. she threatened to divorce me if I did not replace it "I did not put it there". Once she smacked me in the back of the head for washing the blue berries wrong saying I said gods name in vien, when in reality, I asked god for help in calming her down. 

I think there will have to be a time, when I will have to surrender everything to make my wife happy, and tell her to change her mind on the divorce.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You have to be separated for a year to file for divorce in Canada. Did she file, or threaten to file?

As far as "top important things", you need to look at what need she has. Everyone is different. You could try reading "His Needs, Her Needs" to start with. You also have to become someone she can respect, and that starts with being someone YOU can respect.

C


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

So what are you saying, it takes up to a year for the divorce to be finalized? She said it cost her 500 dollars to file with the attorney in the same building where she works. She does not know how long it would take before I am served. I hate this. I think I also blame my self because I think my wife ask to much for a typical wife. But I may have to surrender my self to her needs and do what ever she wants me to do to stay married...if she ever changes her mind. She said I should be doing anything, including janitorial work, to bring in the extra income to pay the bills.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

larky said:


> .....I think I also blame my self because I think my wife ask to much for a typical wife. But I may have to surrender my self to her needs and do what ever she wants me to do to stay married...if she ever changes her mind. She said I should be doing anything, including janitorial work, to bring in the extra income to pay the bills.


Ok, so you're going to give your control freak wife even more control?

You're blaming yourself for her actions?

You're going to "surrender yourself?"

Brother, this is not the way to do this. Let me help. For starters: 

1. Keep reading threads here.
2. Find work. Today. Pull your weight. You are a man. Use your skills to turn some income. You have a big power imbalance in your relationship. She's in charge. You're not. 
3. Stop deferring to your wife. Stop being a doormat. You allow your wife or women in general to treat you this way? Stand by for misery. 
4. Take control of your situation today. Read up here on the "180." Start making positive changes for yourself today. 
5. She never hits you again. Ever. 
6. You need to establish clear boundaries with her. Determine what they are and stick with them. If you think letting her run amok on you is going to inspire her desire for you, you are hosed.
7. Seek legal representation very very soon. 

HL


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Yeah hitting is never ok. IMMEDIATE deal breaker. I got drop kicked in the rear right in front of my parents. Humiliating. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

Quit being her doormat. And yes you are, denial is a powerful tool. 

Women don't respect people they can walk all over. Abusers also don't like to be called on their shi%. She's an emotional bully, you don't bow down to a bully.


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

A few years ago, me and my wife separately went though our first marriage counselor though our church. My wife came back from the counselor and said the session was not good. She was mad at my wife and I think it had to do with both dog incidents. 

In my first session with the marriage counselor, I told her my wife degraded my self image by saying in one incident, like "well, since we have a dog, how would you like to sleep on the floor and the dog sleep in your spot" There was nothing I said that day to make her mad and for her to say this to me. She also casually made comments to the dog "hey jamie, want to ride up front why my husband sits in the back of the car?". Again, I never said anything that day to warrant that comment to me and the dog. 

I can see why the marriage counsoler would get mad when I told her these things...without my wife there. She to go against peoples wishes and take the dog to a family get together at my mother-in-laws house. Once she took the dog to her brother-in-laws house and was warned before, not to bring the dog. I was outside, but heard her Dad Screaming at her, for bringing the dog to the house. Lets see, my Wife's Sister,Brother-in-law,three daughters and brother were within 20 feet of her dad blowing up on her about taking the dog to the house and not respecting her moms wishes. 

Around the year 2000, She brought in financial credit card debt BEFORE the marriage while engaged and never told me. I talked about debt and she sheepishly said he was in debt. I asked how much, she said 20k in debt. Her parents never knew "she lived with them" nor did anyone else. Two things she has some real issues with. She HATES not being in control. She Hates embarrassment. As a 16 year old, she choked her sister so hard, it took both her parents to pull her off because her sister was teasing her. I think the family history may play a role in her personality make up. Dad had serious anger issues and the kids called him Sargent and would not let boys near them. He once hit my wife, who was a teen in the head. Mom has paranoid issues that causes the husband grief. Son was a narcissist who was abusive to his kids and left them for europe. Sister was a nosy person who wanted to get into everyone's business. 

The only kid who was normal and turned out normal, was a adopted sister. 

Anyway, because they are LDS, this could play a factor in the kids upbringing.

On top of my wife having control and embarrassment issues, she hates having her picture taken. I remember a 1980s picture that was taken of her, her younger sister, and little kid sister all in front of SantaClause. The big sister standing next to him had the Biggest smile. While my wife, as a teen, was kneeling down..With the most pissed off look on her face. WOW, what a contrast in moods. 

My wife is one who holds little back what she is thinking and will say it. Yes, she talks alot and is a good communicator. But she also does not keep secrets about other people. When she was So-op Secretary, she told me things about the Co-op that was non of my business. 

A couple years back once when we got to church a little late, I said you made us a little late. She pulled off her wedding rings and gave them to me. She has not worn them since.


I need to find full time employment. I currently work as a subcontractor in the Field IT service sector. I am looking for work in the Vancouver BC Canada. But it is a very competitive industry. The issue is rent. If I live with a roommate, need to split the rent in half. Rent south of Vancouver is still very expensive.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

larky said:


> my wife degraded my self image by saying in one incident, like "well, since we have a dog, how would you like to sleep on the floor and the dog sleep in your spot" There was nothing I said that day to make her mad and for her to say this to me. She also casually made comments to the dog "hey jamie, want to ride up front why my husband sits in the back of the car?". Again, I never said anything that day to warrant that comment to me and the dog.


You might not have said or done anything however I can't help but wonder what the dog did to warrant those comments from her.


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## larky (Nov 27, 2009)

Dog did nothing. She was just being demeaning in a way. That incident was years ago. 

She has not done this in the last five years, but early in our marriage, her behavior was really strange in that she would come up to me while I was watching tv minding my own business, then she would come over to me and put her hands on my solders and will all her weight press on me, dig her chin into my chest and say "now you are not going to hurt the mother of your future children are you?" It was getting really uncomfortable and had to force her off me. She did this a few times. Once pressed me against the wall near the door to the front of the townhouse while I was leaving. 

See seems to put priority on the dog and not my needs, which could be work related and always wants me to check on her at home. I asked her to find some one locally that can take care of her and she just says "there is no one locally" um, yes there is. We have 20 town house units and some one in some of those units are always home. 






lenzi said:


> You might not have said or done anything however I can't help but wonder what the dog did to warrant those comments from her.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

larky said:


> See seems to put priority on the dog and not my needs


She's putting the dog's needs ahead of yours. That's just weird.

Don't dismiss the possibility of an unhealthy relationship between your wife and your dog.

Might be time to break out the VAR.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your wife has some dangerous issues, both physically and emotionally. No one deserved to live like that. I hope you find the path that allows you to realize that you do not deserve to live that way. Can you suggest counseling again, either couples or IC?


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Where have I heard phrases like, "If you don't like it here than you can leave" before?

From my wife who divorced me. Learn from my mistakes, and from others here at TAM.

Whatever else is going on that we don't know about, your wife is selfish and puts her needs, wants, and desires before you. And you let her.

You are her doormat. You are not even equal to her; she is in control of the relationship.

Time to put yourself first unless you want to be her whipping boy forever. Try to exit this relationship with your dignity. 

The next time she initiates conversation with you tell her you are glad she is paying for the divorce because you are not okay with her behavior. Then say no more. 

If she drops the divorce, you should file on her without telling her. Just do it. Have her served. Let it know you are sick of how she is. Maybe she'll snap out of but I doubt it. No matter, you need to start working on you now anyway.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Interesting. You're not contributing your part financially but she asks too much as a wife. It's likely she doesn't respect you for this and everything else is an extension of that. Why haven't you taken a part time job to help? If you divorce you're going to have to support yourself so why not do it and see if it helps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vandal_xx (Feb 28, 2014)

Man, I am no expert. It sounds like you need to get a new job ASAP. One that will at least pay you a couple buck more than you make now. Anything will do for now.
Next, do not surrender to your wife. She wants to walk all over you? The answer is NO. Don't be an ass, but don't let her get to your head either. 
Bail out my man. It sounds like she just wants someone to step on to make herself feel better. The sooner you start standing up straighter and picking your head up, the sooner you will see that you can so better.
I am no expert, but the thing that helps me deal with my wife leaving me was to think about all the things I did for her and all the things she didn't do for me. I know I can do better and so can you
Keep your chin up. Focus on finding a better paying job(even if temporary). Worry about you and not about your wife

I wanted a friendship with my wife when she left. The guys on this site told me I was a moron(politely). You gotta live life for you. It takes work, but it does get better starting the day you let things go and not one minute before.


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