# to protect and care for



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We often hear that “women want to be protected and cared for”. 

I would like to discuss this. But I want to discuss it from both the male and female perspective.

1.	Were you taught growing up that a husband should “protect and care for” his wife? 

2.	Were you taught growing up that a wife should “protect and care for” her husband? 

3.	What does “protect and care for” mean to you? Give some actual examples.

4.	How do you want your spouse to protect & care for you? Do they do this?

5.	How do you protect and care for your spouse?

6.	If you don’t agree with the “protect and care for” idea, how do you see the husband and wife relationship?


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

1. Not sure I was taught this or it is innate. I lean to the latter.
2. no.
3. Protect = keep out of harms way, try to keep her from doing stupid cr*p to put her self at risk. Care for = provide physically and provide emotionally. Care: Be the breadwinner, be the rock for her to pour emotions into. Protect: provide place to live in 'safe' community, defend her if necessary, do the manly tasks that typically require strength.
4. Spouse really doesn't protect, except for maybe from myself. Care: nurture, engage in the relationship
5. see 3, same question I think.
6. I agree, so no comment


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Growing up I have never experienced the protect and care for by my parents. More like how much can we hurt and destroy each other. My parent's marriage was very toxic with no trust and honor. 

I don't know where I got the desire to care and protect my spouse. Maybe, it was because I finally had someone who was mines and he gave me stability and home ( not physically) but a sense of belonging. I wanted to take care of that, to protect it and cherish that. 

My husband protects me by making sure I have am ok. He does things for me that he does not have to do. Like filling car with gas, fixing things, trying to make my life easier, check on my safety. He gets me gifts, once he waited in line 1 hour to have a book signed for me. He gives me jewelry when I am down. (Don't like jewelry that much but he likes to give it to me.). He loves our kids. He speaks about me as if I am all of that. The man is still blinded after 24 years.

I have my H's back. I don't speak negatively about him with family or friends. I always encourage him. I feel like it's my job as his wife to help lift him up, so that he is confident and strong because I am behind him. I never complain that my man does not make enough money or we don't have money. I have seen and heard women doing this and it reflects really badly on their H. Don't be saying sh!t about my man because I will cut you down. Lol

I will truly give my life for him. I have such respect for him. He is my knight in shining armor expect when he does not pick up his darn socks. 

What do you think @EleGirl?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hard questions. Many of them touch on issues that could be considered controlling. 

A while ago there was a thread by a BS whose WW OM refused to leave her alone. The OM tactics including trying to black ball her, emails that were not wanted, etc. The BS asked what should he/they do get this guy out of their lives. I advised him to let her take point and support whatever decision she made and follow though jointly. 

My thinking included several elements

OM would not ever accept it if he thought she wanted to be him, but hubby was controlling her.
Her mess, she cleans it up.
If he dedicates action it deminishes her as an adult, building resentment.
If he says you deal with it and walks away, she loses the sense of being a couple
If the followed my advise it shows he is capable of respecting her and can help her reach her goals
Builds a sense of teamwork. 

So hard questions Elegirl. Look forward to reading other posters answers


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
(from a 50 + year old male). 

I have a strong (but completely irrational) belief that it is my duty to protect women and especially my wife. She gets the lifeboat, I fight the bear etc. I'm not saying that I *will* do those things but that I think I *should* do those things.

This extends to my having a very difficult time turning down a woman (especially my wife) for help. 

At the same time, I don't find helpless at all attractive. When I'm off on a long business trip, I hate hearing my wife say "I really wish you were home. Its lonely I'm not sleeping well, and something is broken in the computer network". I'd want to hear "I hope you get home soon, I really want to go with you to do some XYX". 


I want to be *wanted*, I don't want to be *needed*.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This post give me a lot of food for thought. Growing up, my dad provided for our family, and we felt safe, but did I ever hear a message of "love and protect" regarding the way spouses act toward each other? No. And my parents didn't have a wonderful marriage. Free of physical abuse for sure, but not great and they were separated for the last 5 years of my dad's life due to infidelity. I feel sure I got married never having "love and protect" as a must-have.....being treated that way, or treating my spouse that way. But, I do agree with it whole-heartedly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> (from a 50 + year old male).
> 
> I have a strong (but completely irrational) belief that it is my duty to protect women and especially my wife. She gets the lifeboat, I fight the bear etc. I'm not saying that I *will* do those things but that I think I *should* do those things.
> ...


I had the same upbringing, Richard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

I was brought up by Christian parents, so questions 1 and 2 are yes. It's a biblical imperative.

"Protect and care for" is more than just physical needs, such as food and shelter. My parents both feel that they are responsible for each other spiritually, so they pray with each other daily, study the Bible together, respect the morals of the other. I feel the same way about my spouse, although prayer and Bible study together has not been a regular part of our marriage for quite a while. Protect also means that no one is going to threaten or injure my wife with me around. I also feel like "protect and care for" means that spouses are to look out for each other's sexual needs -- as a means of protection from temptation and a way of caring for the bond that must exist. It also means that the other cares in a way that helps the other to survive, provide strength where the other is weak.

I want my wife to need me. In that way, she is protecting me and caring for me. So many women see that as a weakness. I see it as a strength. The wise woman sees it that way also.

I am woefully inadequate when it comes to protecting and caring for my wife. About the best thing that I do is to listen to her, and at times I don't do that well. Yes, I feel like listening is protecting and caring for her, because it's filling an emotional need that she has. If I feel like she should leave her family and cleave to me (I know, cliche'), then I should fill her need to communicate, something that she gets from the family that she "left" to marry me.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> We often hear that “women want to be protected and cared for”.
> 
> I would like to discuss this. But I want to discuss it from both the male and female perspective.
> 
> ...


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> ..."love and protect" regarding the way spouses act toward each other? No. And my parents didn't have a wonderful marriage. ...I feel sure I got married never having "love and protect" as a must-have.....being treated that way, or treating my spouse that way. But, I do agree with it whole-heartedly.


That's a good way to say it. "Love and protect" is what I think of when I hear "Protect and Care For". 

Your post touches me a bit, simply because you pretty much just described my marriage except for the infidelity part. I worry about how the relationship that I have with my wife affects my children (16 and almost 20 years old).


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't remember ever being taught that husbands should protect and care for their wives.

I never observed it with my mom.

I was taught not to hit girls and treat them carefully, less rough than boys.

I have always had an innate, overriding compulsion to protect females.

From my youngest years on, I have engaged in protective behavior towards females regardless of danger to myself. It seems hard wired.

Multiply that compulsion by a factor of 10 and we are approaching my protectiveness and care for Mrs. Conan.

In our first year together, an old classmate of mine came into the store where my then GF was cashiering.

He was drunk and pawed at her and groped her.

She didn't call the police because it was over quickly and her job distracted her.

She did tell me.

I did something.

Her next shift, he came to see her again on his knees, begging for her forgiveness in front of customers and co-workers.

Mrs. Conan cares tremendously for me and protects my heart.

I have cried more times with her holding me than I can remember.

Only my sons and maybe one other adult has ever seen me cry.

I feel safe with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Growing up I was taught that husbands and wives should love, respect, and stick together through thick and thin. 

I don't recall my parents ever telling me to expect a husband to protect or care for me. Actually the opposite is true. 

My dad, the ultimate "_Man of the House_", was the one who drilled into our heads to never depend on a man for anything, including our happiness. He recognized that independence gave us options. He wanted us to always have an 'out'. Have a Plan B, and C, and D.

Being an independent woman does not mean that I take qualities such as chivalry, graciousness, humility, good manners, or a man's _offer_ to 'protect' for granted. I find those attractive but I don't expect them.

@richardsharpe said "I want to be *wanted*, I don't want to be *needed*".......I have said something similar to my husband from my viewpoint, "*I love being with you but I don't need to be with you*".


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Interesting questions, EleGirl. When attempting to answer, there's a variety of combined experiences that come to mind in forming my outlook. 

My parents had elements of care and protection but not in the context meant here. They wanted the best for the other but were incompatible with an unhealthy dynamic and retreated to self-protection rather than protecting their marriage. With my grandparents, there was a strong bond and love that demonstrated protection and care towards each other. There was a mutual respect that made them solid. 

My grandparents were poor, from the east end, lived through the depression. They shared stories of community helping one another the best they could, even if they had little, they'd make it stretch. My parents were similar this way too. In that regard, I was raised with demonstrations of kindness, generosity and pride (having pride in oneself and allowing others to retain theirs).

At a young age, I developed a focus around civil and human rights. It was my husband who recently reminded me of my younger self. When we started dating, he remembers seeing a human rights speech I'd pinned up in the family home. By then it was becoming worn with it's faded dot-matrix print. He reunited my current self to what I'd felt passionate about growing up. Between us there's a pull to protect and care. My husband is training to be a volunteer firefighter. I admire the courage that takes. Selfishly (although not negatively) there's a sense of purpose and growth to be gained.

My husband and I protect and care for one another. There are a variety of ways this emerges. It may even include having hard conversations. I think trusting in one others intention is what makes the protection and care possible. This is what I mean when I refer to 'having each others back'.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What does “protect and care for” mean to you? Give some actual examples.
> 
> How do you want your spouse to protect & care for you? Do they do this?
> 
> How do you protect and care for your spouse?


I didn't specifically answer these questions as the examples would be both deeply personal and long winded.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I was brought up to believe I didn't need a man and it was good to be financially independent.
However, as a woman I am naturally a nurturer, have spent much of my adult life nurturing my family etc so it is nice if someone protects and cares for me in simple things such as my H filling my car with petrol late at night so I do not have to go to the station alone, or checking in on me if I have a long late night drive back home. I can do these things myself but those simple things make me feel seme feel secure. Or coming to the doctor with me when I am sick, or picking me up on time if I cannot catch a cab. 
It upset me when my H does not think about me driving late at night or bends over backwards for his mother and sister in these type of things and then tells me but you are so independent 

I protect H by hearing him out, being a shoulder to cry on (literally) , not sharing his secrets, being honest with him about scenarios where he blames the other person and cannot see his own role (at work). 

For me it is physical security for him emotional.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just read the above posts. Interesting answers and would love to see more replies.

One of the reasons that I started the thread, is that we hear the pharse often and when people say it, they think others understand it in the same way they do. But I think it means different things to different people.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> We often hear that “women want to be protected and cared for”.
> 
> I would like to discuss this. But I want to discuss it from both the male and female perspective.
> 
> 1.Were you taught growing up that a husband should “protect and care for” his wife?


I'm not sure I was taught this at all as I would read this in literal terms. My dad, assuming he would have been the one to teach this concept, was a cruel man. 






EleGirl said:


> 3.What does “protect and care for” mean to you? Give some actual examples.


First thing that comes to mind (cultural) - protect and care for her reputation. The one thing I was always taught, never dishonor or bring dishonor to the family. This would include my wife. Protect and care for my wife's honor. I could not imagine doing anything that would bring shame to her. 




EleGirl said:


> 4.How do you want your spouse to protect & care for you? Do they do this?


Pretty much the same as my answer above. And, yes we both protect and care for each other's honor, reputation. We teach the same to our children, "don't do anything to dishonor our family. Also do everything to your best to bring honor". 




EleGirl said:


> 5.How do you protect and care for your spouse?


This could be a long list of do's as well as don'ts. 



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *1.	Were you taught growing up that a husband should “protect and care for” his wife?*


 Elements of this from my Grandmother next door.. not that she spoke it... in fact she was quite the feminist who didn't care to get married.. very proud of her full time pottery job back then...but after 15 yrs of courting her.. My grandfather broke her down.. she then became a housewife & mother, giving up her job to have 2 sons..... I just always had a feeling that the best of men take care of their families LIKE THIS.. that they want to marry...settle down and *provide* for the families they build. 

I understand it's not always do-able with the high cost of living.. but the idea to be able to support... if need be, if the wife wants to stay within the home ...is "Protecting" .. at it's







- to me.. 



> *2.	Were you taught growing up that a wife should “protect and care for” her husband?*


 Again.. from my Grandmothers example... I most surely felt we needed to hold up our end as a wife, in the home if he is out working....to enhance his life.. helping him - the 2 working together for all their shared goals / dreams.... neither should be a burden on the other... if one falls down.. it's great to have someone there to help you up... 

She never spoke about sex at all... unfortunately.. but Yeah.. we need to care for our men in this way, that "Proper care & feeding"... as much, if not more so, as we enjoy serving him his favorite home cooked meal ....we should seek to know what fulfills our husbands & bring it...and hopefully he won't take us for granted ...

....but nor should we take him for granted. 



> *3.	What does “protect and care for” mean to you? Give some actual examples*.


*1. *Protect to me.. (repeating myself here) a part of that is "Providing for a family"... this is very important to my husband... ... that he makes enough $$ to run a household... all bills being paid....a little left over for leisure. 

*2.* Protecting...It's many of the things that Chivalrous men may do -these do not offend me.. I appreciate a Gentleman... if we're walking on the street.. he would automatically walk on the more dangerous side... to protect me.. 

*3.* If we heard noises in the house in the middle of the night.. he would jump up, get the gun..and tell me to STAY.. he would brave the uncertainly... he would put his life in front of mine & the children's.. to him.. this is what being a MAN is about.. 

I very much appreciate those things... my heart wells with the utmost respect & I want to give back the world to a man like this.. I feel greatly cared for.. Above all.. he wants to give myself & our children a good home, a happy home...a place we feel safe, cared for.. something we often don't feel out in the world among strangers...too often others want to use us for their own gain, take from us...and move on...

*4.* (Small example - a recent thread on this)...His taking the wheel when we go on vacations, sometimes the drive is 10+ hours.. truth is.. his driving is safer over mine...I can be a lead foot...he wants us to get there alive... 

*5.* His caring... Listening to me when I am emotional about something... holding me through hard times.. if something heavy is on my mind.....doing things with me that I love to do... it may not be his favorite thing.. but he wants to show his support... by his affection, his touch.. he shows he cares...

Examples like this.. and we learn from them.. we want to give back like this too.. 

My husband was into metal detecting for a time.. not my thing... I found this Campground that had a Metal detecting Camp every years ....so I planned a trip for us... because I KNEW he'd love that ! ...in return...he'd go to a Shinedown concerts with me, even on the Floor/ mosh pitting area...surely not something he'd get excited about !... It's supporting each other ...

Taken from my Chivalry thread... 



> (And to all those chivalrous, good-hearted guys, keep doing what you're doing. We love you for it.)
> 
> *1*. *Holding the door.*
> 
> ...





> 4.* How do you want your spouse to protect & care for you? Do they do this?*


 The examples above....of being a man.. a loving husband & father.. his attitude, his willingness to do things with me.. even if it's not his cup of tea... his care to how I was feeling when my sex drive was pretty high.. his handling that , without pushing me away... so much care there... he's never wanted me to feel rejected..

He's been my greatest example of how love/ caring is supposed to work. More than any relative or close family member. 



> *5.	How do you protect and care for your spouse?*


 I seek to know what brings him the greatest happiness... I ask what I can do better.. different...I want to do everything I can within the home, while he is working .. so when he comes home.. he can relax...he has time for his children... and more Play time for us.... 

How do I protect my husband.. by *Respecting* him before others.. lifting him up... I feel we can emasculate our men if we are not careful with our attitudes (some don't agree with this) ....it's not a protecting in a "Safety" way.. after all he is so much stronger than me !... but in a way that matters to HIM. 

I want to know that because I am in his life, he has lived well, that our burdens are halved...that our being together has enhanced both of us.... by being thankful . expressing gratitude for all he brings to me...our lives..... this also shows care for our spouse..


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> We often hear that “women want to be protected and cared for”.
> 
> I would like to discuss this. But I want to discuss it from both the male and female perspective.
> 
> ...


1. I was not taught this; it seems to be innate.
2. No.
3. I make sure that we are financially secure, including being willing to go back to work after normal retirement age if that is necessary. I make sure that our house is properly locked and alarmed at night and when we leave, and am the one who responds to weird noises in the night. If my wife is sick, I make sure that she is taken care of properly.
4. I want her to help with my care if I get sick, keep the house habitable, cook as much as necessary (although I can feed myself if necessary), be there if I get down about a project I'm working on, remain affectionate.
5. See 3.
6. N/A.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My parents never 'taught' me verballly anything really.

but my dad did teach me a lot by example. He treated my mom with great respect and honor. Still does to this day.

I pretty much absorbed all the traditional view of things back in the 60's-70's except for a dose of feminism which was asserting itself quite strongly back then and there were voices that told you to treat women equally, meaning financially, emotionally and even physically. The extreme view of this would even disdain fighting for a woman. 'What, you think you're some macho man, and you have to protect little 'ol me? I can take care of myself, thank you!'

mostly though, I buy into the tradional view of protect, honor and respect.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I was thinking more on this thread. Over the years I feel we've had times where we went into self-protection mode rather than leaning into one another. We were doing our best with what we knew at the time. And it played a part in our dynamic. Now I feel the most grounded in our relationship than I ever have. Maybe it was there all along and it's in recent years that I've really allowed myself to know and trust that. Or maybe the growth between us allowed for this. 

Individually I feel we are able to cover our own backs... having each others back as well though, is an absolute privilege.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

brooklynAnn said:


> Growing up I have never experienced the protect and care for by my parents. More like how much can we hurt and destroy each other. My parent's marriage was very toxic with no trust and honor.
> 
> I don't know where I got the desire to care and protect my spouse. Maybe, it was because I finally had someone who was mines and he gave me stability and home ( not physically) but a sense of belonging. I wanted to take care of that, to protect it and cherish that.
> 
> ...


Brooklyn

Here's what I think .......you and your husband are fortunate to have each other. Much love for the next 24 years. 
VH


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

Man hunt meat. Man bring meat home to wife. Wife cook meat. Man destroys any other man who looks wrong at wife, flirts with wife or makes threat against man's family....LOL. I don't think that men have to be taught these things. It is genetically hardwired into a man's psyche.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

1. Were you taught growing up that a husband should “protect and care for” his wife? *Nope not by example*

2. Were you taught growing up that a wife should “protect and care for” her husband?* Nope again not by example, although my mother worked her backside off so my lazy dad could stay home and do nothing at all. If you see financially supporting a husband or wife as 'protect and care' this may come under that but it never did for me.
*
3. What does “protect and care for” mean to you? Give some actual examples. *Protect=Having each others' backs in every situation. From being criticized by your husband/wife's family and having them stand up for you, to telling another man/woman who was sniffing around the husband/wife to back off if they were already told by said husband/wife also. Care= caring in what the spouse has to say/think/feels in all situations. Caring is also where if one f you is ill or injured the other will do pretty much anything to help you live comfortably. My husband has cared for me always as i have him. I have had various health issues in the last couple of years and my husband has even taken time off work to help me look after our daughter so I could get some rest, even taken her out for hours so I could sleep peacefully.*

4. How do you want your spouse to protect & care for you? Do they do this? *As above, and yes he does it very well *

5. How do you protect and care for your spouse? *Very interesting question. I think by showing him I care for his needs in a nurturing loving way, ask him for his opinion on lots of things ask him how his day was, cook dinner clean his clothes, keep house clean etc etc. Protect him in a similar way but have not had to ever 'defend' him our protect him from any bad situations. He is a bit of an introvert which suits me just fine *

6. If you don’t agree with the “protect and care for” idea, how do you see the husband and wife relations


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

My grand mother and my mother would cook dinner, take care of kids, finances and paint the house. When my aunt got married that was an upgrade for everyone as her husband was very handy guy. Something weird for us.

So, nope never expected anyone to take care of me.


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