# Is watching Porn OK in a marriage?



## affection_vs_love (Mar 5, 2013)

My husband has an addiciction to porn/sex. I am not ok with him waching it at all. We have had several talks about it, and he informs me that he will stop. He sometimes tells me he doesnt like his addiction and he wants to stop. Then other times he tells me his need or wanting to watch porn is "ok" with him. His reason/excuse for watching it is because we dont have sex often. It upsets me that he says this because this addiction was there before he and i married. As we agreed before we got married that this would stop and it hasnt.

Our sex life isnt all that great because im not a sexual person. I can go weeks and months without and be just fine. Sometimes when we do have it, i feel like he treats me like the women in the movies he watch. I dont feel the "love" in it, its just... sex. Plain and simple, he enjoys it and i dont. 

Is it possible to compromise on how much sex there should be in the marriage (ex:how many times a week)? Is watching porn ok when your spouse finds it distasteful?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If your husband is serious about getting help, check out the links in my signature. You should too.

You should be asking these questions to a professional who deals with sex addiction. Porn watching is NOT ok for the vast majority of sex addicts.

As for you not liking sex, why on earth are you married to someone who does then??


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

affection_vs_love said:


> My husband has an addiciction to porn/sex. I am not ok with him waching it at all. We have had several talks about it, and he informs me that he will stop. He sometimes tells me he doesnt like his addiction and he wants to stop. Then other times he tells me his need or wanting to watch porn is "ok" with him. His reason/excuse for watching it is because we dont have sex often. It upsets me that he says this because this addiction was there before he and i married. As we agreed before we got married that this would stop and it hasnt.
> 
> Our sex life isnt all that great because im not a sexual person. I can go weeks and months without and be just fine. Sometimes when we do have it, i feel like he treats me like the women in the movies he watch. I dont feel the "love" in it, its just... sex. Plain and simple, he enjoys it and i dont.
> 
> Is it possible to compromise on how much sex there should be in the marriage (ex:how many times a week)? Is watching porn ok when your spouse finds it distasteful?


Of course it's possible to compromise on how often a couple has sex in a marriage. But if you're on different planets with regards to that, it's going to be really tough. If you're find with once a month or two, and he wants daily, for example.

Why did you marry him, knowing that sex was so important to him, and such a non-issue for you? And knowing that he was so into porn, and you're so against it? I'm not saying it's your fault; he was a fool as well to get into a relationship with someone at opposite ends of the sexual desire frequency. But you're the one posting here.

As far as him watching porn when it's not ok with you... To me, it's unfair for one spouse to put limits on the other spouses sexual "releases" if they're not willing to work at compromising on their drives. But at the same time, his watching porn all the time likely isn't doing anything to improve your sexual desire for him. I think you guys need to talk to a therapist or someone to try to get a compromise in place about what's acceptable.

How long have you been married? How long did you date before you got married? How old are the two of you? And if he says he wants to stop watching porn, has he taken any steps to stop it? Like talking to a sexual addiction counsellor, if that's what he feels it is?

C


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sex is no different from a lot of other things in life. 

You will get out of it exactly what you put into it. 

I recommend taking responsibility for your sex drive to show him that you are committed to meeting his needs and desires. 

Men need sex for biological reasons that some women do not understand. It would do you well to find out these reasons to understand why your husband feels compelled to use porn. 

He is not refusing you sex and then turning to porn it is because you are refusing him sex. 

If you would like the sexual sessions to be more in line with what you like then show him and guide him toward what that means. Perhaps then you would enjoy sex more.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

affection_vs_love said:


> My husband has an addiciction to porn/sex. I am not ok with him waching it at all. We have had several talks about it, and he informs me that he will stop. He sometimes tells me he doesnt like his addiction and he wants to stop. Then other times he tells me his need or wanting to watch porn is "ok" with him. His reason/excuse for watching it is because we dont have sex often. It upsets me that he says this because this addiction was there before he and i married. As we agreed before we got married that this would stop and it hasnt. *I would guess that he feels like he has to tell you what you want to hear, he needs sexual release, that need was there prior to marriage and is something it appears you may not understand. This need may not be an addiction..... if he had the normal sexual release that should be in marriage*
> 
> Our sex life isnt all that great because im not a sexual person. I can go weeks and months without and be just fine. Sometimes when we do have it, i feel like he treats me like the women in the movies he watch. I dont feel the "love" in it, its just... sex. Plain and simple, he enjoys it and i dont. *weeks and months isn't something anyone should be fine with, man or woman. Sex also doesn't always have to be about the love in it....sometimes love making is appropriate, sometimes hot sex should be*
> 
> Is it possible to compromise on how much sex there should be in the marriage (ex:how many times a week)? Is watching porn ok when your spouse finds it distasteful?


*I would be scared in your situation, your worlds apart, if your desire is really that low then why should he just have to accept no sex and you controling his need for an outlet? *


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

affection_vs_love said:


> Sometimes when we do have it, i feel like he treats me like the women in the movies he watch. I dont feel the "love" in it, its just... sex. Plain and simple, he enjoys it and i dont.


I can tell you that when my wife wasn't interested in sex, when we finally did get around to doing it, I was in it for my own pure sexual enjoyments. I was frustrated and resentful that she was controlling my sex life and I just couldn't put any "love" behind it. And I realize that this just perpetuated her dislike for sex since she didn't get anything out of it.

Now, our marriage is better and sex with my wife is more "making love" than the animalistic versions I used to do before.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Maybe try to start focusing on sex that you both will enjoy. I have to think he would be into sex with you that involved more connection, more foreplay etc. We men want sex but I think we can discover that we like love making more.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

It's really illustrative looking at your other thread, where you complain that your husband is showing you affection, since you admit you are not an affectionate person:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...8875-there-such-thing-too-much-affection.html


So, let me get this straight. You want your husband to be happy to live in a "marriage" with little/no affection and little/no sex, yet he isn't even allowed to look at porn for a sexual release? So what is he supposed to do exactly?

I don't know what your definition of "addicted" is, but on the surface it sounds like you are creating this problem, not him. Either find a way to "loosen up" and enjoy sex and affection or let him go so he can find someone he will be happier with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

affection_vs_love said:


> My husband has an addiciction to porn/sex. I am not ok with him waching it at all. We have had several talks about it, and he informs me that he will stop. He sometimes tells me he doesnt like his addiction and he wants to stop. Then other times he tells me his need or wanting to watch porn is "ok" with him. His reason/excuse for watching it is because we dont have sex often. It upsets me that he says this because this addiction was there before he and i married. As we agreed before we got married that this would stop and it hasnt.
> 
> Our sex life isnt all that great because im not a sexual person. I can go weeks and months without and be just fine. Sometimes when we do have it, i feel like he treats me like the women in the movies he watch. I dont feel the "love" in it, its just... sex. Plain and simple, he enjoys it and i dont.
> 
> Is it possible to compromise on how much sex there should be in the marriage (ex:how many times a week)? Is watching porn ok when your spouse finds it distasteful?


Why do you call his use of porn an addiction? 

You are not willing to give him as much good sex as he needs, but you want him to give up porn? That's not fair.

Porn would be a problem if he preferred to use porn when you were ready, willing and able to have sex. But you are having all the sex you want. Taht's not enough for him.

Why do you think that your sex life with him is 'just sex' and not loving? What would make it loving for you?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, to the OP... When I was married, sex was at best once a week, then dwindled down to once a month or less. And I watched porn and took care of my business on a daily basis.

Now, I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman, who has a sex drive that matches mine. I'd say we average 5 times a week. And I don't watch porn anymore. Not even if one of us goes away on a week long trip or anything. Actually, I'll correct that. If I do watch porn, it's with her.

C


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Has some medical professional diagnosed this man with an addiction? He's rarely getting laid so he looks at porn and takes matters in hand...so to speak. It's not ideal that he looks at porn if it's something that bothers you, but neither is it ideal that you dismiss his very human need for sex and intimacy as a psychological disorder, relieving yourself of the responsibility of meeting those needs (or doing your best to). In marriage, things aren't either "ok" or "not ok". There are just behaviors that strengthen the marriage and those that tend to weaken it. 
I would suspect far more marriages have ended due to one party withholding sex and intimacy than from one party looking at porn. I also expect that if he were blowing your skirt up in every other way, you probably wouldn't care if he looked at porn on occasion. 
Very bluntly, if my wife were content to withhold sex for months, knowing she was hurting me, I wouldn't feel a burning desire to modify my behavior to please her.


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

delete


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## IceQueen (Feb 25, 2013)

I think there maybe deeper issues in your relationship. I agree with the previous posters statement

"I would suspect far more marriages have ended due to one party withholding sex and intimacy than from one party looking at porn."

Is it what he watches that bothers you? Is it that he is not respecting your feelings when it comes to viewing porn? 

Marriage is a two way street. Your hubby is not getting sex as much as he would like, or possibly not getting the level of sexual satisfaction that he would like. So his outlet is masturbation. I am positive that given a choice whether to have sex a few times a week with you or watching porn, he would choose intimacy with you. But that is not an option for him. You are now trying to be in complete control of his sexuality. 

It is normal for human beings to masturbate. I have found that most men are visual, meaning that they need some sort of visual stimulus and women tend to be more physical. I have found that most women are content just with the use of their vibrators. 

I seriously suggest getting marriage counseling, My husband was married before, to a woman who labeled him a "sex addict". He would view porn when she would not want to be intimate with him, for months at a time. 

He told her that he would like sex more then once every few months and perhaps some oral once in a while. She was extremely offended. He told her that he was sexually unsatisfied so therefore he would continue to masturbate. This and other serious problems let to the end of their relationship. 

Not being on the same sexual page is a very big issue in a marriage. If you would like him to change his lovemaking style, then talk to him. But also let him be open to talking to you without being judgmental. 

My DH are on the same page when it comes to lovemaking. But we talk to each other. Sometimes I need cuddles, love, music, etc. Sometimes we want to just tear each others clothes off.

Also... Just because a guy watches a certain type o porn mean he wants to do it with you. Porn is mostly fantasy.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

affection_vs_love said:


> My husband has an addiciction to porn/sex. I am not ok with him waching it at all. We have had several talks about it, and he informs me that he will stop. He sometimes tells me he doesnt like his addiction and he wants to stop. Then other times he tells me his need or wanting to watch porn is "ok" with him. His reason/excuse for watching it is because we dont have sex often. It upsets me that he says this because this addiction was there before he and i married. As we agreed before we got married that this would stop and it hasnt.
> 
> Our sex life isnt all that great because im not a sexual person. I can go weeks and months without and be just fine. Sometimes when we do have it, *i feel like he treats me like the women in the movies he watch. I dont feel the "love" in it, its just... sex. Plain and simple, he enjoys it and i dont. *
> 
> Is it possible to compromise on how much sex there should be in the marriage (ex:how many times a week)? Is watching porn ok when your spouse finds it distasteful?


I totally understand where you are coming from. That is EXACTLY how it was for us for a long time and it hurt me and it was hard for me to be affectionate towards my husband because of that. I did not feel SPECIAL to him, I felt no dedication nor devotion from him. I finally had to come out and explain to him EXACTLY what I needed from him. I needed commitment. Now, you might think that this would come with the "I do's" of marriage, but I wasn't seeing it from him. 

I felt as if I was in a boat with him, but I was paddling by myself. I needed to feel that he was "IN" the marriage and that my feelings counted to him. In the beginning of our relationship, we had some difficulties and it really made me wonder if he wanted to be with me because he wanted to be with ME or because he could not be with someone else that he wanted before he met me. 

Like others on this forum, he blamed me for him not getting sex as much as he wanted it. What he didn't understand though, is that I was not getting my needs met by him either and my need for commitment was keeping me from desiring him sexually. I needed him to want to spend time with me that was not sexual. I felt like a doll that he had put up on a shelf and only took down when he wanted sex. I felt used instead of desired and this was a vicious circle that many couples that come on here are going through. 

My husband then read the book called No More Mr. Nice Guy and it seemed to help things along with marriage counseling. Because of my OWN problems with sex, I had a major disconnect. It was hard for me to not see every sexual advance as predatorial. So we each had to work on our problems and then come together and work as one in Marriage counseling. 

Also, to those on the forum that think that because she is not giving him sex, that he has a has to turn to porn for a sexual 'outlet'...my husband thought that too up until I told him that since he wasn't meeting my emotional needs that I should have an "outlet" to get them met too and that would involve me talking to other men. He didn't like that idea very much...but I didn't like feeling like a blow up doll either.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

As long as the wife doesn't know about it, its good to me.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

He is watching porn to get a release you arent providing. Labeling yourself as "not a sexual person" is an excuse for not trying to satisfy his need for affection. Take care of him and the "porn addiction" will go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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