# WS peeved me off today



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

He doesn't think I still occassionally check his FB and browsing history.

Come to find out an online friend asked him (on FB) why his online "girlfriend" (the friend's girlfriend) was deleted and blocked. His answer "my wife is insecure and being strict, hopefully it dies down and I can add people back".

OMFG...I have come to realize that he doesn't get it at all... I gave him an ultimatum today. Either he improves or I'm leaving in 6 months and finding someone who will understand, who won't cross my boundaries I set in the relationship, who will respect me and can be trusted.

*sigh* AR was right, it didn't last.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That sucks. I'm so sorry.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

umpghhh. That was pretty ****ish on his part... I don't know your whole story but I can only assume that his answer should have been.. "Because I feffed up, and violated the trust she gave me by cheating and hurt her a ton and I deleted my FB girlfriend to show my wife that she is more important than anything else.."

His answer to me "my wife is insecure and being strict, hopefully it dies down and I can add people back" reeks of a lack responsibility for his own actions, ie.. my wife is insecure because I dipped my wick in the wrong wax..

I do wonder how people like that would feel if the shoe was on the other foot; or even now.. what if the BS revenge cheated and the WS found out that she told the OM all about how great he was, or how big his peter was, or how much better he was than her hubby etc.. I wonder if that would make him insecure..


His answer also and I'm reading between the lines (guy code).. sounds if he is just biding his time for you to loosen the reigns so he can go about doing it again..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sorry to be right


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Bandit said:


> umpghhh. That was pretty ****ish on his part... I don't know your whole story but I can only assume that his answer should have been.. "Because I feffed up, and violated the trust she gave me by cheating and hurt her a ton and I deleted my FB girlfriend to show my wife that she is more important than anything else.."
> 
> His answer to me "my wife is insecure and being strict, hopefully it dies down and I can add people back" reeks of a lack of responsibility for his own actions, ie.. my wife is insecure because I dipped my wick in the wrong wax..
> 
> ...


WS "online girlfriend" got my rather large steel toe boot up her ass over a year ago (she started stalking online and wanted him to continue where they left off). I nipped that crap in the arse pretty quick.

This is a friend's online girlfriend pissed off that she got blocked and deleted. She helped perpetuate the affair by doing nothing but sitting back and watching it happen. This friend (the male counter part of this situation) who is asking about it on his "girlfriends" behalf doesn't even speak to us except in passing once in a blue moon. What business is it of their anyway? They're not friends, just acquaintances who have sucky morals and boundaries.

My story is in the CWI, my very first post. If you read it you'll see how delusional and stupid I still was for being still too trusting. Almost Recovered did warn me, I should have listened.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

The problem you're looking at is that he has viewed this as all a temporary situation to go through and most likely never admitted to himself he was in an affair. We see this all the time in regards to EA's or online sex chatting (which he has done both if memory serves me correctly). Many people who engage in EA's either don't think it is an affair at all or view it as a lesser crime than a PA. 

THIS is a huge hurdle to overcome if you expect to R. In fact, since it's been so long now since dday, it doesn't bode well at all. He's been showing one side to you and completely thinking a different way. That is a incredibly hard thing to pull off, especially since you have been looking at his actions and mannerisms as close as you have. It indicates someone who can live dual lives and that is a trait of a pathological liar. Not good, I'm sorry to say.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> The problem you're looking at is that he has viewed this as all a temporary situation.....Many people who engage in EA's either don't think it is an affair at all or view it as a lesser crime than a PA.


This is so f*cking true. My wife wanted credit for not going through with the PA. She knows what she did was wrong but still doesn't think it's as bad as I think it is. That said, she has kept the NC and has treated me well during R.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

CantePe said:


> He doesn't think I still occassionally check his FB and browsing history.
> 
> Come to find out an online friend asked him (on FB) why his online "girlfriend" (the friend's girlfriend) was deleted and blocked. His answer "my wife is insecure and being strict, hopefully it dies down and I can add people back".


No, he doesn't get it. He isn't blocking her because he wants to, or because he wants to respect his marriage. He blocks her because he thinks you are a tyrant.

He still thinks he should be able to converse with a woman he bed down because you are insecure? You aren't insecure, that is the expectation of a wife who caught her husband with his pants down.

I don't even know why you waste any more of your precious years left on this planet with him.

He should want to block certain people because he respects you.
Instead he is blocking them because he does NOT respect you.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> The problem you're looking at is that he has viewed this as all a temporary situation to go through and most likely never admitted to himself he was in an affair. We see this all the time in regards to EA's or online sex chatting (which he has done both if memory serves me correctly). Many people who engage in EA's either don't think it is an affair at all or view it as a lesser crime than a PA.
> 
> THIS is a huge hurdle to overcome if you expect to R. In fact, since it's been so long now since dday, it doesn't bode well at all. He's been showing one side to you and completely thinking a different way. That is a incredibly hard thing to pull off, especially since you have been looking at his actions and mannerisms as close as you have. It indicates someone who can live dual lives and that is a trait of a pathological liar. Not good, I'm sorry to say.


Boy did you hit the nail on the head with 1000 psi and then some. *sigh*


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I wish AR was proved wrong!
Now atleast you know his true color, you can move on with....your life.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what was his reaction to your discovery?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> No, he doesn't get it. He isn't blocking her because he wants to, or because he wants to respect his marriage. He blocks her because he thinks you are a tyrant.
> 
> He still thinks he should be able to converse with a woman he bed down because you are insecure? You aren't insecure, that is the expectation of a wife who caught her husband with his pants down.
> 
> ...


You misread. I wasn't clear though. The woman who is blocked has never done anything wrong (that woman who did is long gone over a year now). The woman who's boyfriend is asking why she's blocked was just a friend and believe me I know it for fact, she was never part of the group of infidelity loving POS who hid their activities and helped each other do so as well.

Still applies though, he created the environment of mistrust and brokenness in our relationship. It is no longer appropriate for him to speaking to females or keeping female friends that are not family.

That is his monster he created. If he sees me as a tyrant than he is the one who created that tyrant. I am the monster he has created by his actions and words. The very ones he cannot own as his but sweeps under a rug and pretends never happened...

I'm done carrying his ****, he needs to own it now and carry it himself.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what was his reaction to your discovery?


He was working all night last night and is sleeping (will be up at 2ish our time) so I don't know yet...

This is the last straw for me. I'm so done with carrying my baggage he created while carrying his at the same time. I have nothing left to give because he's taken it all and hasn't given back.

If he doesn't start tipping that scale back my way I won't even last the 6 month time span I'll be giving him (just enough time to save up money too for first and last for a place of my own as it turns out).

Since he seems to like FB so much I sent the ultimatum where I knew he couldn't ignore it. Every time I send him something on FB he finally comes to me with the issue. I'm so tired of having to hold his hand like a stupid little 2 yr old...so frustrated...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

since it is customary in your neck of the woods, I would send him off on an ice floe


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> since it is customary in your neck of the woods, I would send him off on an ice floe


:lol:

We're not THAT far up North AR. LMAO!!!

However, I could always take him out into the bush and chase him down with a 30 odd 6 like we do hunting for bear in the fall.

I can just picture myself with this maniacal grin from ear to ear with a 30 odd in my hands running like a banshee through the bush while he screams and begs for mercy....

Uhm...was that typed out loud? Of course I would never resort to violence, not to say I can't fantasize about it though right.

The first month of this BS I had a dream about sitting in a tree in the bush with a riffle right behind our house and blowing his head off with it. Literally dreamed about killing him. Obviously I would not resort to such things. I'm not a violent person, my philosophies in life are "harm none". I would never be able to hurt someone as I've been hurt or to physically be violent toward someone no matter what they have done or said to me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

better yet...

drug him, duct tape his mouth and put him in a bear suit, bind his hands so he can't get out of the suit and leave him in the woods.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> better yet...
> 
> drug him, duct tape his mouth and put him in a bear suit, bind his hands so he can't get out of the suit and leave him in the woods.


Boy do I need that type of humor today. lol

Thank you AR. Yeah that'd be a sight to see. I have my bucket list prepped for the next 6 months. Everything from saving for my first and last to getting my driver's license back (I let it expire, stupidest thing I ever did besides marry this jerk off I'm with).

*sigh*

The only thing that hurts most is that our kids end up suffering more for this than I ever will. I'll get over it, the kids won't. They never do (I'm a child of divorced parents, father was an addict and a cheater - for that matter so was his father).

I'm not going to make the same mistakes his mother and my mother made. I'm not staying in a crap relationship just for the kids. What will that teach them if I do. Especially my girls, it teaches than to let a man walk all over them, blame them for it and then some. It teaches my boys that they can walk all over a woman and blame them for it and then some. Not a lesson that I want to teach my children at all.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

CantePe said:


> You misread. I wasn't clear though.
> The woman who is blocked has never done anything wrong (that woman who did is long gone over a year now). The woman who's boyfriend is asking why she's blocked was just a friend and believe me I know it for fact, she was never part of the group of infidelity loving POS who hid their activities and helped each other do so as well.


Yes, clearer now. Is there a reason why he felt the need to block this other guy's "girlfriend"? Either way, he was disrespectful to you to even say that about you.

He cheats and has the nerve to say you are insecure? Uh, no, it is you being someone that expects not to take any more of his crap.

Like you said, he created this "monster". Although you are not a monster for expecting him to act like a husband.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Yes, clearer now. Is there a reason why he felt the need to block this other guy's "girlfriend"? Either way, he was disrespectful to you to even say that about you.
> 
> He cheats and has the nerve to say you are insecure? Uh, no, it is you being someone that expects not to take any more of his crap.
> 
> Like you said, he created this "monster". Although you are not a monster for expecting him to act like a husband.


I'm the one who sifted through his list at his request to get rid of anyone I felt inappropriate. It was me, under his request, that defriended and blocked her.

That makes his words even worse doesn't it.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

CantePe said:


> I'm the one who sifted through his list at his request to get rid of anyone I felt inappropriate. It was me, under his request, that defriended and blocked her.
> 
> That makes his words even worse doesn't it.


Well, I suppose he could have told the truth and simply said that she was blocked because you didn't want her friended.

But his elaboration on words is what indicated his disrespect.

If I had gotten caught cheating and my wife/gf didn't want me friending certain people (although I don't do FB), then I'd be explaining that it isn't a good idea to converse with certain people if I want to make things work with my SO.

Thats what a man would do if he respected the woman he betrayed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I have to add that if the best way to grab his attention on important matters is to use facebook, you have serious communication problems.


I would have him close the account entirely if he wants to R


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Well, his reaction was a remorseful apology and a commitment to doing the marriage builders stuff with me (something he hasn't committed to before) and we sat and talked for about 3 or 4 hours.

I've already filled out the emotional needs sheets and love buster sheets from marriage builders. He'll be sitting down with his set either tomorrow or Wednesday. He doesn't want to go to a counsellor but I can see why I tried 4 sessions with one and it made me feel worse rather than better.

He is finally talking about things that I need him to, like his needs and desires (ie: what he needs from me). I'm kind of reserved and cautious though because we've been here similarly and it's improved a few weeks then dropped off so my ultimatum stands.

For the first time I've actually said out loud to him I was unhappy and miserable. He got some things off his chest too that were bothering him, even acknowledged some things he'd noticed (my intense hatred of that Adele song scaring the crap out of him and making him nervous to bring up things for instance).

For the first time he actually expressed emotion, talked about his own triggers (what I wanted in the first place), acknowledged his infantile immaturity behaviors, even said that fighting me for removing certain people and yoville was stupidity on his part...

FINALLY! I'm still cautious. Playing it by ear but sticking to my ultimatum that things need to change or I need to leave. We'll see what goes on day by day...moment by moment. No more Miss Nice Girl...

I do have to admit, I have as hard a time talking things out as he does (I'm addressing the FB as a medium of communication btw, email, letter, FB all the same right) because growing up we were both taught to cry publically is weak. I think more so myself than him because of my father and his infantile immaturity as a father (I have father issues, I admit that freely - another post in another section on here).

He even took to my suggestion that he should be here at TAM, if not as a registered member to post, at least to read and gather up good advice and see both sides of the coin. What he should be doing, what he needs to do and what the common is in these situations.

All in all a good conversation.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I have to add that if the best way to grab his attention on important matters is to use facebook, you have serious communication problems.
> 
> 
> I would have him close the account entirely if he wants to R


He actually said the same thing tonight AR - that closing\deleting his facebook sounds like a great idea to him (without my suggestion or bringing it up by the way - shocked the hell out of me!!!)


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

CantePe said:


> :lol:
> 
> We're not THAT far up North AR. LMAO!!!
> 
> ...


LOL...if something else should happen and you slip up you can say you were with me, I'll be glad to cover for you. My ex spent so much time having online sex that he developed carpal tunnel...:rofl:


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Close one Facebook open another secret Facebook be wary of that . Some in other threads have mentioned this. He has to go a long way before you TRUST him again, keep your guard up and do build up your account so you do not have to deal with this S**t if he does falter.

Not on Facebook so don't know all the lingo for it so I may be wrong.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do you have a keylogger in place and does he know its there?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> do you have a keylogger in place and does he know its there?


Yes and he did but not now. I have all his passwords to everything and he has encouraged me to use them. There is definitely nothing going on (I have a bachelors in computers). That much he has complied to, no cell phones (we don't own one), no money to travel and only two hotels in this town. Besides, when we're not together he's watching the kids, with our male neighbor or with me.

This is a small town where everything gets back to everyone so no physical infidelity in real life. He got rid of Yoville, we don't use 3d chat anymore, he never clears his history (on purpose for my benefit). He has been open with all online stuff just dumb as rocks when it comes to understanding the repercussions and damage he's done...


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