# Am I heading for separation



## autumnsair (Nov 16, 2014)

In the past year my husband and I have only had sex three times, each time it happened after I had approached the subject. My husband never comes to bed with me he sits on his xbox all night and creeps upstairs in the early hours of the morning. 

I have addressed our sexual problem several times and he gets really angry and says that I am cold and un affectionate. The worrying thing is that I feel rejected by my husband after him showing no sexual interest in me for so long.  Why would I be affectionate when my husband doesn't seem to want to have a sexual relationship with me!

I am torturing myself mentally over this scenario and feel completely lost as to how to move forward.....its been five months since we have been intimate and even when we have been away in a hotel he has still just turned his back and went to sleep.

I believe he is addicted to his internet, and iPhone. I just don't know where to turn to for help, when I address the issue with him he states that we are just not like that and I am causing problems!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband is avoiding intimacy with you. I suspect the need to avoid is paramount and his preferred method is gaming.

Does he have low testosterone?

This is a MAJOR problem and without his agreement that it IS a problem it will never be solved. Read this thread: LD Husband journal. Over a year of actively working on her young husband's intimacy problems and he STILL avoids intimacy though his use of immature tactics such as gaming has cut back. They have made some progress but not very much.

So short answer, yes, you are probably heading toward separation and divorce. If you don't already have kids, don't get pregnant!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

When he is out of the house, throw away the xbox, when he comes home jump his bones. But seriously, do you give him random hugs, kisses, sof touches? You may have to swallow your pride and be more affectionate wether he deserves it or not.


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## BeenThereBefore (Nov 11, 2014)

I am looking into hypnosis, my wife is a very deep sleeper, so I am thinking that I am going to try to give her suggestions in her sleep and see if I can get her to act on them when she is awake.
no idea if this will work, but from the research I have done so far I think it is possible.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Here's the thing... you will probably never know when it started. Maybe you said something and hurt him. Maybe he was acting cold and THEN you said something. Who knows???

Sit down with him and tell him you want to start fresh. You're sorry if you hurt him and if he hurt you, he's forgiven.

then start working on the future together. Try to set up date times, no distractions, no arguing, some sex, some non-sexual intimacy, some talk. Don't expect to go from gaming pro to porn-style sex overnight. Aim for small goals, reach them and then set new goals.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

autmnsair, how long have you been married and what was your sexual frequency prior to this past year? Did he usually initiate sex in the past or you? Whom do you perceive has a higher sex drive?

As for videogaming and iPhone...is he very protective of his privacy? Keeps you in the dark? Won't let you see phone or acts odd like he is hiding or closing text boxes or windows when you walk in the room?

When you do have sex...not trying to be pervy, but do you perceive his sexual preferences to be authentic or is he suddenly trying to introduce things he learned elsewhere?

Has his personal hygiene plummeted or letting his priorities slip in deference to videogaming?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How does he make it to work?

Book MC


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening autumsear
Are you sure that you aren't avoiding being affectionate because he isn't being affactionate, because you aren't being affectionate? That you are trapped in a self-reinforcing loop?

The way to tell is to aggressively pursue him for sex and affection. Take a chance on initiating sex frequently for a week or two and see if affection follows. 

If it works great. If it doesn't work, then you will know that you are not stuck in this feedback trap.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Autumn...I agree with Chris Taylor on this. But please don't think that I am putting the blame at your feet.

99% of men are genetically wired to be horny and want sex almost daily (more than daily in our younger years!)...its how we bond its how we show our love.
Assuming he is not gay or has any medical condition that will affect his sex drive there has to be something else.

Have you ever made comments about his manhood? Have you ever criticised his love making? Have you ever rejected him sexually (often)?

We men are very simple creatures to please...keep us sexually satisfied and we will do anything for you....insult or deny us and we clam up and distance ourselves.

Talk to you husband....accuse him (jokingly) of having an affair with his xbox....maybe start caressing him down there whilst he on his xbox....show him that you are far sexier than Lara (or whoever she is!!)...

But maybe also get is testosterone levels checked, blood/sugar levels etc.

Good luck and happy groping!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

badsanta said:


> (OMG, I just came up with a million dollar business for wives) is to hire an electrician that will place a temporary kill switch on your internet connection (just like people used to place on sports cars). You can go to bed, and flip a switch just like turning out the lights and all the sudden the internet will go out! (wonder what happened)


Or just access the router using its admin password and turn off the internet connection....


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

askari said:


> Autumn...I agree with Chris Taylor on this. But please don't think that I am putting the blame at your feet.
> 
> *99% of men are genetically wired to be horny and want sex almost daily *(more than daily in our younger years!)...its how we bond its how we show our love.
> Assuming he is not gay or has any medical condition that will affect his sex drive there has to be something else.
> ...


This simply is not true and a very damaging misconception. It is damaging to both genders.


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

Have you had a serious conversation with him and told him how you feel?


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## autumnsair (Nov 16, 2014)

Thankyou for your replies....

We've just returned from a lovely family wedding a few nights stay in a hotel and again.... No sex. I had a few glasses of wine on the first night and planned to make a move however when we got to the room he felt unwell and wanted to go straight to sleep. He was miserable and sat on his phone the evening of the wedding, playing a game! I asked him not to do it and he got really upset, said he felt unwell and went to bed at 10pm. I was left on my own again! I'm starting to feel our marriage unravel and I am afraid to proach the subject due to his reaction last time!


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

> 99% of men are genetically wired to be horny and want sex almost daily


Not true. This will set a woman up for disappointment if she believes this, as is my case. Never thought LD husbands existed until I got one.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Honey, you have to stop wishing for him to do something. 

I know this must hurt beyond words but this is not something that will ever be solved by wishing, hoping and dressing nicely. The problem is his, and he knows this. He just doesn't want to face it and so he pretends to be ill.

You're going to have to pack you bags and go. It is the only way your husband will realize that this issue can be be tolerated.


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## autumnsair (Nov 16, 2014)

I just feel awful, I know I have a sex drive and I'm starting to feel self conscious! The mind plays tricks on you when you feel rejected.


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## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

> We've just returned from a lovely family wedding a few nights stay in a hotel and again.... No sex. I had a few glasses of wine on the first night and planned to make a move however when we got to the room he felt unwell and wanted to go straight to sleep. He was miserable and sat on his phone the evening of the wedding, playing a game! I asked him not to do it and he got really upset, said he felt unwell and went to bed at 10pm. I was left on my own again! I'm starting to feel our marriage unravel and I am afraid to proach the subject due to his reaction last time!


He is addicted to video games. Does he work? 

It definitely sounds like he's checked out of your relationship. How much time do you two spend together each week (meaning with NO video games and NO iPhones)? 

I'd have a serious conversation with him about his video game usage. I would actually schedule days for him to play video games and other days where he has to spend time with you. Plan things to do together, and make him plan some too. If he balks at it, then you may need to be prepared to leave. He won't stop unless he realizes that he is going to lose you over it. He probably doesn't, at this time, realize that he has a problem.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

autumnsair said:


> I just feel awful, I know I have a sex drive and I'm starting to feel self conscious! The mind plays tricks on you when you feel rejected.


He is rejecting you autumn! The question is why? So how long will you invest yourself into a hurtful marriage? He will continue along rejecting you because there is no compelling reason for him to do otherwise.

Never feel self conscious about your sex drive! Having a sex drive is good and healthy, not having one is not healthy.

Maybe your H doesn't love you and regrets marrying you. Maybe he is having an affair? Maybe he is just a fvcking idiot who doesn't deserve you? Maybe he has low T? Maybe he is impotent and is hiding it?

But you'll never know because your not compelling him to deal with whatever it is.

And sugar bear, you don't want just sex, you want a relationship, to be desired, to be wanted and to be loved. You can't have a relationship with someone who dismisses you and rejects you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is lashing out at you because he doesn't want to deal with the issues. Honestly, he probably won't change until you are ready to leave him. You have only control over yourself, and what you have control is what you will tolerate. There have been a lot of divorce over video games addiction, and I would not be surprise if your's went down that same path. 

Your not really in a marriage, and the only thing binding you is a piece of paper. I can see you leaving him soon, or you can put up with an empty marriage where you are the sole participant. Tell him that you want a divorce, because you are no longer in a marriage. Tell him you want a partner, and he wants a video game buddy. Cut the loss, and start the healing process earlier, and perhaps you can leave him before hatred or indifference settles in. By leaving now, while you still love him, if he seeks change, there could be still a chance. If you wait until indifference settles in, then there is less likely a chance. If he doesn't pursue you, then you knew it was over, and time to move on. At least you can restart your life earlier if you divorce.


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