# Marriage means = OUR, NOT YOURS OR MINE



## iluvgna08 (Sep 8, 2012)

My husband was raised with a mom a dad who believes in "My money is my money you make your own" My mom has told me that a man(husband) should be able to provide and give a little for his wifes happiness. If the wife wants to work that should be her money she can do whatever she wants with it. Well I have a kid and one on the way. My husband made a comment that when i start working i should provide for one and he will provide for the other.... Does that sound right? Am I taking that comment literally?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> a man(husband) should be able to provide and give a little for his wifes happiness. If the wife wants to work that should be her money she can do whatever she wants with it.


Well, what a double standard in my opinion =/


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

I agree with Randomdude, I hate double standards!


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## TroubledSexLife (Aug 23, 2012)

I recommend keeping separate accounts but having a joint account to pool resources together for the kids.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I believe in a healthy marriage everything belongs to both of you.

If I suddenly end up with more money, it's both of ours and we are both better off, and if he earns more, it's both of ours and we are all better off. 

I find it such a strange concept to have divided funds. Also statistically women are still more likely to earn less over a life time and thus more likely to give up their jobs to stay at home and make career sacrifices over their life to raise the children. And women are more likely to still do the majority of the house work and child care, even if they work outside the home.

Things aren't all ways equal, and it's unfair to base things soley on the $ value of what a person brings in. I also would not want to feel like my spouse was doing it tough financially while I was finding it easy and vice versa. That to me is not truly looking out for nor taking care of one another.

Would it be OK for you to ask him to do exactly 50% of the house work, and look after only one child and pay no attention to the other.

The whole thing seems very strange to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I suggest writing up a budget what the two of you agree on and then pay those bills. my husband made more than I did for years (now it's equal), but our percentage paid into the household is the same and the extra (not now, but when we get it after paying off debt) will be saved and some will be spent.

It should be no one's business but you and your husband's.

Each of you should have money for fun stuff to do together and apart. whatever that means.

But the money is yours together. Pool it and you'll be able to cover the bills easier. Take the left over and save some, spend some.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe his parents and your mom are all screwed up. You're married. You're partners. Whatever he makes, whatever you make is family money. It doesn't matter who earns what. It does matter that both of you are obviously both equally committed to the marriage and the family. He needs to see you giving your best for the family's success and you need to see him doing the same.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, in my marriage, we had one big joint account that our deposits were put into, then we each had our own separate account for just us. This was so we could spend money on the other without the other knowing about it. (and it later came back to bite me in the a$$ but let's not get into that...)

Anyway, I earn 3x what my wife does. Does that mean I consider all the extra money mine? No! I consider it ours. And she spends it however she wants, as long as it is responsibly. 

Now, I may invest a lot of my money in various things that she doesn't invest hers in, but that is fine. 

I spend my Christmas bonus on income stocks, and she spends her's at Victoria's Secret, and we are both happy!


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

That is completely dysfunctional. Pardon my apparent judgmentalism. 

May I suggest you get a book or two from Dave Ramsey and go through his "financial peace university". 

It is absolutely and utterly imperative, for an emotionally functional marriage to have no "mine" and "yours". Except, for instance, some small amount of "mad money" which is wholly discretionary and can be used for whatever you want. 

I cannot explain it as eloquently as Ramsey (and others) have done. But I can say from experience, that separate finances leads to endless consequences like feeling of rejection, unfairness, jealousy, and a whole lot of emotional fighting. 

If there's no emotional fighting, then someone's playing a doormat, which is self destructive, as well as alienating in a trust and intimacy relationship.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

While my husband and I do not have joint accounts, we still share all of our money. It works for us; what's his is mine and vice versa.
Isn't that what marriage is about?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's just messed up. I've been married for 21 years. I've been the breadwinner and I've also been a homemaker (the split is about 50/50 on years). The whole time its been OUR money. I understand why people split expenses but to me that just sounds like breeding ground for resentment. 

I lived with a boyfriend once and it drove me crazy on things like how I was supposed to pay half the groceries when he ate more than me. Sharing expenses takes this out of the equation. That is assuming your SO isn't unreasonable like wanting expensive gourmet meals every day. KWIM?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Ours goes in one acct. All bills are our bills and we consult each other on major purchases. Odd , of all the things we have fought over in 17 yrs money was never one of them. Either you have or you don't and arguing over it doesn't change that.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Everything should be shared.
What if you have a 3rd child? Half each?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

iluvgna08 said:


> My husband was raised with a mom a dad who believes in "My money is my money you make your own" My mom has told me that a man(husband) should be able to provide and give a little for his wifes happiness. If the wife wants to work that should be her money she can do whatever she wants with it. Well I have a kid and one on the way. My husband made a comment that when i start working i should provide for one and he will provide for the other.... Does that sound right? Am I taking that comment literally?


Do whatever works for your household. Forget what the your or his parents did and stick to what works for you. No matter which way you go about it; both of you will be effected, so there is no way to have totally seperate financial affairs anyway. If one half of this relationship is financial stressed; then the other side will have to hear about it. Seperate accounts will never stop that..LOL!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Money aside..... this seems like an odd way to raise your children. If one parent makes more then won't one child benefit more? Or if one parent is a Scrooge, won't one child be denied? I think it really messes with the children.

Parenting ...no matter how much money is involved.... is more successful when both parents are a team. Partners.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

We have two accounts (one joint, one mine) but all our money is our money. The money we class as available for bills is the sum of both accounts (even though they're mostly all paid from the joint account).

It would be absolutely insane for one parent to pay for one child and another to pay for the other child. Unless you have custody of one and he has custody of the other. Jeez.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

We pool our resources. At one time I worked, made less, then I stayed home with the kids. I went back to work part-time due to kids. Now I am the only breadwinner due to my H's layoff. i don't know how you would split the cost of the kids. What if one had braces and the other didn't?

Does he do 50/50 of the chores and parenting? I have chosen a job that is not what I could make if I worked full time and in a higher stress job that I am qualified for, but it would mean sacrificing the kids as my first priority. Sounds like you are not working as a team. Its not all about how much money you bring in. Its about the value you bring to the family in other ways too.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

iluvgna08 said:


> Well I have a kid and one on the way. My husband made a comment that when i start working i should provide for one and he will provide for the other.... Does that sound right? Am I taking that comment literally?


His wording is poor but what he's saying is that when the kids are old enough for you to go back to work you should be earning enough to pay for half the child rearing costs.

That's my take on it.

Still sounds weird though.

Next time tell him "sure thing, as long as you carry one of the babies to term".


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This sounds like the old "what's his is mine and what's mine is mine."

You want him to provide for all the expenses + buy things for your happiness + you get to spend your earnings on whatever you want?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

iluvgna08 said:


> My husband was raised with a mom a dad who believes in "My money is my money you make your own" My mom has told me that a man(husband) should be able to provide and give a little for his wifes happiness. If the wife wants to work that should be her money she can do whatever she wants with it. Well I have a kid and one on the way. My husband made a comment that when i start working i should provide for one and he will provide for the other.... Does that sound right? Am I taking that comment literally?


Throw all the money in one "pot" and call it a day. Then will all of the time you will have left over from not having figure out whose money is whose and where it all goes....go out on dates as much as possible with your H.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I would be homeless if my H and i divided our money. He would be a very lonely man  ahh...a lonely man with no dinner!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I work in hospitality, and can cook better then the missus

So if she pulls that one... 
lol xD


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I work in hospitality, and can cook better then the missus
> 
> So if she pulls that one...
> lol xD


Ya but....could you say the same for your right hand?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

'Mine' is called such because it's in my name only and I have the one debit card to it, but he has the passwords and information to access it online. It'll take us some time to fully co-mingle everything and get our monthly budget and finances settled, etc., and surely you don't have a problem with someone trying to establish their own credit rating in the mean time!


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I must not be explaining myself very well. Being new to the country, no company can trust me with financing. I couldn't even get a Walmart card! My husband's credit rating is good, mine is non-existent. So our joint credit card has a horrendous interest rate (we pay it off every month so it doesn't matter, but we can't use that card for emergencies).

With a bank account in my name and with a direct deposit for at least 6 months, that bank will trust me with a small personal loan, which will positively impact my credit rating, which will allow me to take out a credit card that I can pay off every month (with our money). All the money I borrow in the forms of loans and credit charges will be for 'us'. I wouldn't spend it on myself, it's still our money.

Then in a couple of years when it comes to getting a second car and mortgage and all that good stuff, we'll be in a great position. Not because we had 'separate' finances, but because I have proved to multiple financial institutions that 'our' money is available to me and I am responsible when using it (things my husband already knows). Then we can fully co-mingle all our finances, cancel the cards that are only in one person's name, etc. It will just take time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

anotherguy said:


> Having an bank account in your legal name is fine when you are working on getting your finances together, but the 'credit rating' excuse sounds a bit hollow to me for a little checking account.
> 
> Dont misunderstand me though - different strokes for different folks - so its not liek it is wrong to have seperate finances. I just think its a bad idea and a waste of energy and can cause needless financial friction.


You are correct different strokes and all. I am always surprised that this subject is argued so vehemently. 

My wife and I have always maintained separate accounts. It has worked extremely well for us with little extra work and no additional frictions. We've argued about money once in our 25 years together. But it is important to note we have very similar attitudes on how we spend money. We are both tight with it. 

On the credit rating, it can help both partners, each earning a good rating. My wife's and my credit ratings are 817 and 814 respectively. We have separate savings, checking accounts and credit cards within the same financial institution. We have signature on each other's accounts and the checks have both our names on them. The mortgage and any car loans we have ever had are in both names. We use our bank's bill pay function to manage the bills from the checking account that I have primary control over. She has a set amount each pay check she transfers to my account and I pay the bills. Since my compensation fluctuates from month to month I may be short one month and long the next. If I need more, I simply ask her to transfer more, if I'm long, I transfer the extra the savings account I am in charge of. There is no mine or hers, it is always considered community property.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Amplexor said:


> If I need more, I simply ask her to transfer more, if I'm long, I transfer the extra the savings account I am in charge of. There is no mine or hers, it is always considered community property.


We too each have our own accounts but have each others PINs/passwords and look at it as one big pot. The ability to transfer online between accounts has made this technically so much easier (I guess there were ways in past), but it also made it appear much more like one big pot rather than a lot of our smaller pots. Make sense?

Jane_Doe, new to the country, did you ever see a check before you got here? I have European relatives, they say checks? WTF?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> We too each have our own accounts but have each others PINs/passwords and look at it as one big pot. The ability to transfer online between accounts has made this technically so much easier (I guess there were ways in past), but it also made it appear much more like one big pot rather than a lot of our smaller pots. Make sense?
> 
> Jane_Doe, new to the country, did you ever see a check before you got here? I have European relatives, they say checks? WTF?


I agree with you about the transfer thing. And our total balance is added up at the bottom so its all together.

And I had heard of cheques and seen a couple, but never written one out, and pretty much no businesses accept them any more haha.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ulen864 (Sep 23, 2012)

I go by the saying, "What's min is yours, and what's your is mine." we both earn money and we both have to pay for things so we should combine our money to use between each other.


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