# I exposed the affair



## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I had to delete my "story" post because my WW was snooping, and I didn't want her knowing my intentions by reading the thread.


In a nutshell: Over the past four years she has had a PA, an EA, and now an EA/PA with a lesbian woman.

Two mornings ago I confronted her. I told her that I knew all about her current affair. Her first reaction was to ask how I knew anything. She kept badgering me about how I knew anything...did I have her followed? Bugged? I told her it doesn't matter how I know, I just know. Then she started denying. I said she can deny all she wants, but I know the real truth. I told her that I knew she was in love with this woman and had been physical with her. She said that they had only kissed, and she felt "confused" about it. She did admit that she was attracted to her "as a person" because of the way she made her feel good about herself.

Prior to the confrontation, I had written up text messages to her parents (who are devout Christians) and her best friend (with whom our families have share many activities). I sent them immediately before the initial confrontation.

After the confrontation, I told her I needed to get away for a few hours. I went and had breakfast. Meanwhile she keeps trying to call me/text me. I ignored them. I come in later, and its just silent treatment most of the day. The evening rolls around, and she comes up to our room where I'm laying in bed watching TV. We talk, and she trickle truth's a little. She said it wasn't cheating because it was with a woman. She says nothing sexual happened. I asked her if they were in love with each other and she confirms, although she waffles on it throughout our conversation, saying that the OW is "just a good friend". I said that good friends don't act that way. They don't snuggle on the couch and kiss while they are watching a movie. I told her that I'm considering divorce and I'm going to see a lawyer. She said she wants a divorce,too, and will see a lawyer as well.

Fast forward to yesterday. I get a text from her saying "OMG! What did you tell my father?" I text back that I told him about her affair. Maybe she should introduce her lesbian lover to her family? Later I get another text about exposing her to her best friend. 

When I get home from work, it's WWIII. She starts screaming at me, saying I had no right telling *her* family and *her* friend. She starts screaming at me, in front of our kids, that I need to move out immediately. I said I wasn't going anywhere. This was my house too, and I didn't do anything wrong. She continues to harass me, chasing me around the house and getting in my face. She then says she's going to get a restraining order against me. I said "for what? I haven't done anything!? And she says because she doesn't feel safe in the house with me. LOL. I have never been violent with her. So I grab our landline phone and told her if she makes one more threat I'm calling the police and they can sort it out. I told her our kids are right here, and the police will question them. That got her to stop.

So I go up to my room to get away. Soon she comes up and tells me that she is taking the kids and they are going to stay at her friends' house. I had anticipated another confrontation, so put the VAR in my pocket and turned it on when I hear her coming. I told her she can't take my kids and just leave. If she did, I would file a police report. She then starts in again on "how did I dare tell her parents". She said she is divorcing me and is going to take the kids and move as far away as possible. She said I would never be a part of their lives again. Keep in mind that she is hitting me where it hurts, because I am very involved in both of my sons' lives (11 and 13). I coach some of their sports, and the day to day raising of them is performed by me. So part of me is starting to get worried. I tell her she cannot take the kids and leave tonight. She can go down and sleep on the couch just like the night before. Besides, I need to be able to take my son to football practice tomorrow, go grocery shopping, and take them for their haircuts, as school starts next week.

She comes in later that evening again and we have a longer talk, without her shouting. Again, it's all anger because I had exposed her. She has backtracked from her admission the day before about the extent of her relationship with the OW. She does say she is sorry for hurting me, but that she has a hard time feeling bad for me. The conversation ends with her saying she wants a divorce. There was a lot more said, and I did record it, but haven't had time to listen to it yet.

I'm sure I'm going to get the question: What do *you* want. My answer is "I want the woman I married back". She has some amazing qualities and is well-liked by everyone. After all this, I would be willing to reconcile and forgive if she was willing to change her ways. But, I really wonder if she could do that.

I sent her a text this AM, asking her if there was anything that could be done to save our marriage. She texted back that "U ruined my relationship with my parents, so probably not. If we try we need counselling. I cannot talk to u. I'm physically sick and have to go to work." Then later "It's up to you."

At this point I realize that reconciliation is impossible until she shows real remorse, with words and actions. I texted her as much, and she said that "actions of remorse are difficult right now because you have ruined my relationship with my family forever."

I haven't contacted her since. I'm attempting to do the 180 steps, although I realized I erred with that text this AM. Later today I am seeing an attorney, to find out my rights and what the process involves.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't have exposed her to her parents. Will that make any reconciliation impossible?

I do know that I am prepared to divorce her. If she wants to keep me she is going to have to work for it.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It is going to be rough for a few days or weeks. Right now she is angry because you exposed. Is this OW married or seeing someone? Can you expose her?

What do your boys know? Sounds like they have heard most of it. Also have you spoken with her parents since the text?

This will be difficult until the rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust settles. You have to remember you tore apart her fantasy world. If you can spend as much time as you can with the boys and leave her alone.

Sorry that you are going through all of this crap. Also let her know that you know they had sex and you are going to get tested for STDS. Just somemore cold water to throw on her.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

The OW is a single lesbian, if there is such a thing. Don't think I need to worry about STD's since we haven't had sex in months...but who knows?

Thanks for the warning about not expecting remorse. Time seems to drag on forever right now when I'm in the middle of this crap. Guess I should just concentrate on me, while taking the legal steps to prevent her from running off with my kids.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Exposing her may or may not be a good thing. 
Not good...because she won't ever feel like.. even if she ever stopped being involved with her AP (yes, she is cheating on you, even though it's a woman) she could not go back to the way she used to be..no point now, everyone will know what she's done and so she is now considered a cheating lesbian (just telling you what she will be thinking) 
Also though, it might be a good thing, because she may see what she has done and stay away from her AP. However, she will resent you if she stays with you, because you have put a damper in her and her parents relationship.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You absolutely did the right thing!!! It's great you told her parents and best friend no matter how embarrassing it was. She was the one who betrayed you. You did not betray her for the exposure.

She WAS definitely cheating even though it was with another woman. You could ask her what she thinks if you being with another man in this nature is cheating. I bet she'll say yes.

I wouldn't hide anything either. If she wants to come on here, let her. We do not know who you are, that's the beauty of this site.. 

It doesn't matter how you found out. By her hiding the evidence even proves how guilty she is. I wish you the best with how ever this turns out.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Cast her out


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## turtle05lj (Aug 13, 2012)

She sounds like someone that is going to try to make it very hard on you and unfortunately like a lot of people do she is going to be using the children as leverage. VERY unfortunate. I don't know your laws in your state but I know where I live at 12 the child can decide where they want to stay as long as the courts don't think the environment is hostile or dangerous. Sounds like they wouldn't think so in your case. 

You are doing the right thing in recording everything!! If it is a landline get a recorder attached. If you talk on cell then use speaker phone with your VAR as well as in person. Do YOUR best not to involve the children in it and continue your way of life with them and it will all unfold in court hopefully. Fathers usually get a pretty raw deal in court proceedings but definitely try to make it so that she can not remove them from the state. I know my state won't allow the seperation of child from parents without a really valid cause. Being bitter and angry is not one. Nor will they allow it for just a relationship.

Good luck to you!!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Dan Carruthers said:


> Cast her out


If I could do that and keep the kids, sure. But its not that easy, dude.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> The OW is a single lesbian, if there is such a thing. Don't think I need to worry about STD's since we haven't had sex in months...but who knows?
> 
> Thanks for the warning about not expecting remorse. Time seems to drag on forever right now when I'm in the middle of this crap. Guess I should just concentrate on me, while taking the legal steps to prevent her from running off with my kids.


Does not matter that it has been months since the last time you had sex. 1 Do you really know when they had sex for the first time? 2 it is to throw more cold water on her A and what she has done. (by the way most PA's no protection)

Let her folks know you would like to fix the marriage but you cannot do anything until she ends it with the OW and goes to MC with you.

Spend time as I said with the boys as much as you can.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> If I could do that and keep the kids, sure. But its not that easy, dude.



hmm..then do as you wish, dude..


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your exposure was very good. It prevented her from lying to her parents and her friend. It prevented her from spinning the story, and eventually you would had been the bad guy in all this.

By not exposing, you would had been complicit with her lies.

With exposure, the truth is out there. This way her family, her friends, your sons and you can deal and work with the truth. Otherwise the lies would had muddied the issues.

With the truth, she will now have to deal with the issues out in the open -- that'll be good for her soul.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You say you want the woman who you loved and who loved you back---she can never come back---she died, when she had her first A.

Why do you want her back, the major thing that will free you and your sub-conscious, from all of this misery you are in---is for this woman to be gone and out of your life

She has cheated on you with a man, now with a woman, what is it that you don't understand about---that she doesn't want YOU anymore

Stop trying to force her to be with you---if she wants to be free of you---let her go----There are lots of other women out there, to have a life with, if/when the time comes

She cannot just take the kids and leave---that is known as kidnapping---so just hold your ground,---you should either see an attorney, or go to google, and bring up your states FAMILY CODES, and read them, so you know what you are dealing with.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

turtle05lj said:


> She sounds like someone that is going to try to make it very hard on you and unfortunately like a lot of people do she is going to be using the children as leverage. VERY unfortunate. I don't know your laws in your state but I know where I live at 12 the child can decide where they want to stay as long as the courts don't think the environment is hostile or dangerous. Sounds like they wouldn't think so in your case.




Your sons are old enough now to know what's going on. They will decide for themselves what they want, custody arrangement notwithstanding. She wont be able to keep them, if she does for example get 100% custody, at all. The kids will bond with you more than her because you are their primary parent right now.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> Exposing her may or may not be a good thing.
> Not good...because she won't ever feel like.. even if she ever stopped being involved with her AP (yes, she is cheating on you, even though it's a woman) she could not go back to the way she used to be..no point now, everyone will know what she's done and so she is now considered a cheating lesbian (just telling you what she will be thinking)
> Also though, it might be a good thing, because she may see what she has done and stay away from her AP. However, she will resent you if she stays with you, because you have put a damper in her and her parents relationship.


exposure can be a tool to bring a WS out of the fog, it does not always work but can be effective in destroying the affair in many cases. OP is trying to save his marriage and he needs to stop the affair to do that. Will it work? Maybe not but he didn't have many options of stopping this affair, so he had nothing to lose by trying since she was already gone.


Now I'm sure the gay aspect of the exposure adds some element of extra embarrassment and shame since her parents are devout. I would hope that her parents would be equally upset over the affair than the fact it was a gay relationship (personally, it being gay doesn't add any extra immorality to it but you know her parents don't view it that way). Thus had her affair been with a man, you could probably expect the same reaction from her after being exposed.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You say you want the woman who you loved and who loved you back---she can never come back---she died, when she had her first A.
> 
> Why do you want her back, the major thing that will free you and your sub-conscious, from all of this misery you are in---is for this woman to be gone and out of your life
> 
> ...


Actually, the 18 months following the reconciliation of the first PA was some of the best times of our marriage. Maybe that's why I would consider not "casting her out" right away. The lesbian twist here is confusing for me. I realize its still cheating, as is an EA. But its not the same, from a man's point of view.

I am not trying to force her to be here. As I've stated, I am seeing an attorney today. In all likelihood, this will end in divorce because she won't want to do the work to repair our family.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

aug said:


> Your sons are old enough now to know what's going on. They will decide for themselves what they want, custody arrangement notwithstanding. She wont be able to keep them, if she does for example get 100% custody, at all. The kids will bond with you more than her because you are their primary parent right now.


She has told me that she has already asked our sons who they want to live with, and she said that are picking her. 

I said "of course they will tell you that if asked by *you*. They wouldn't hurt your feelings and tell you they prefer their father right to your face."


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> exposure can be a tool to bring a WS out of the fog, it does not always work but can be effective in destroying the affair in many cases. OP is trying to save his marriage and he needs to stop the affair to do that. Will it work? Maybe not but he didn't have many options of stopping this affair, so he had nothing to lose by trying since she was already gone.
> 
> 
> Now I'm sure the gay aspect of the exposure adds some element of extra embarrassment and shame since her parents are devout. I would hope that her parents would be equally upset over the affair than the fact it was a gay relationship (personally, it being gay doesn't add any extra immorality to it but you know her parents don't view it that way). Thus had her affair been with a man, you could probably expect the same reaction from her after being exposed.



I know it helps take her out of the fog....but I'm just letting him know what she is thinking, and what she might be feeling. So that he knows the kind of damage it might do. Some people take the exposure and use it to strive to work on things and be better, but some people might feel completely vulnerable and it will lead them to more wrong doings.

and yes Almost, you are correct....her having devout parents might very well be the cherry on top of the cake, and by the sounds of it, it very well is.. That's why I mentioned how she will resent him exposing her. 

All in all, I'm glad I'm not a lesbian :smthumbup: jk!!...no but really


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Well, your boys are at the age where if they tell the courts which parent they want to live with, they take that into heavy consideration. If your boys want to stay with you and you can give them the home life that they require, then there's a good chance you could be the custodial parent.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've done well with the exposure. You saw how she denied, trickle truthed etc. She had no intention of telling you the truth and being honest about her relationship.

She would have pushed and pushed for you to let her have her affair while you remain home paying the bills and having ZERO intimacy. She isn't having sex with you because she's having a PA with the other woman.

You've stood up to her and the fact that she is so angry means you did the right thing - you got her attention and hurt her ability to have her affair in secret.

She's going to stomp around and try to threaten you and negotiate with you back down/move out/ give her whatever she wants.

Keep up being calm, and keep refusing to accept being lied to and cheated on.

Don't leave, but do cut her off from new money from you if possible. Pay the bills, put food on the table, but do not finance her affair.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> At this point I realize that reconciliation is impossible until she shows real remorse, with words and actions. I texted her as much, and she said that "actions of remorse are difficult right now because you have ruined my relationship with my family forever."


 Her response is right out of the standard cheaters script when forced to face up to the reality caused by her cheating. What she wanted was to lie and make you into the bad guy and the reason for the marraige failing. You told the truth which is the last thing a cheater wants everyone to know.



ThreeStrikes said:


> I'm wondering if I shouldn't have exposed her to her parents. Will that make any reconciliation impossible?


 Stop wondering. You did the right thing in exposing. No matter what you did or did not do, the odds were never in your favor. Although exposure increased the odds of her getting out of the affair fog and saving your marriage, it was far from a sure thing. You took your best shot, which is all you can do. Stop second guessing yourself. The other advantage of exposure, is that she will never be able to make you into the bad guy in the divorce. With children involved this is important.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

The 2nd. affair, (that you know of) makes her a serial cheater.
You say you want the woman she"used to be". Is that the one you married? Or, is that the woman she was AFTER the reconciliation from the first affair? You need to go hard ball on her and make certain that she doesn't end up taking your kids out of state to live with her female lover. Hard to tell how they may turn out if exposed to that sort of lifestyle posing as "normal".


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> At this point I realize that reconciliation is impossible until she shows real remorse, with words and actions. I texted her as much, and she said that "actions of remorse are difficult right now because *you* have ruined my relationship with my family forever."
> 
> **********
> 
> I'm wondering if I shouldn't have exposed her to her parents. Will that make any reconciliation impossible?


Consider long and hard whether you should even ponder reconciliation as long as she thinks that YOU are the one who "ruined" her relationship with her family "forever."

These are the words of someone who doesn't think they did anything wrong--and that by telling the truth, you have done something worse than she ever has. So all her cheating, forsaking of her marital vows, etc., is all worse than you simply _telling the truth about_ her cheating and forsaking of the marital vows.

Most cheaters must mentally justify their cheating to avoid going insane. If they allowed themselves to truly contemplate what they've done, they would need to be institutionalized. So they engage in compartmentalization (marriage in one box, affair in another). And they have to justify the affair's existence; in order to do this they must latch on to any viable reason that floats by. All cheaters regard exposure as their "aha" moment, because they can finally PROVE to themselves that YOU have done something WORSE than they! And the immediate reaction is, "you've really done it now!!!!"

My husband was no different, he tried and tried to make me out as the bad guy with regard to exposure. Simply horrified at the idea of such a "betrayal" and threatened ME with divorce. I stared him down and said, if for one minute you categorize my telling the truth about what you did with your affair, then we have no marriage to reconcile.

The hypocrisy is nothing short of breathtaking. If the cheater truly believes this--your real question is, can you stand living with someone like that?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> She said she wants a *divorce*,too, and will see a lawyer as well.
> 
> She said she is *divorcing* me and is going to take the kids and move as far away as possible. She said I would never be a part of their lives again.
> 
> ...



inspire-others-7 : theCHIVE


If she wants a divorce, then let her have it


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

life is like a fart, if you have to...


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

You should correct her on something as well. You didn't ruin her relationship with her parents. She did. You just informed them of her actions before she could get to them with some nonsense story. As for the children I would hope you got her on tape threatening to take them as far as possible and cutting you out of their lives.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I have these sayings I tell my older children all the time. One of them is: 

"Never do anything you wouldn't want your mama knowing about".

Wishful thinking I know, but it is worth a shot! lol

It amazes me how the OP's wife is blaming him for ruining her relationship with her family. The ability that we humans have to compartmentalize is staggering.

How a grown woman can have an affair and not expect to be held to the flame on some level is beyond my understanding.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Three STrikes,

Stop worrying about you ruining a relationship with her parents or her BFF.

She did that all on her own. In addition to blowing up your marriage and family.

You did what you had to do. Especially after 3 affairs she left you no choice at all.

And you can have no R until she is truly remorseful. And she has to be willing to do the work.

Leave the kids out of it for now.

HM64


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The lesbian affair only proves that she hasn't changed one major part of her - a cheater. How long do you think before she will do it again ? Have you exposed the previous affairs to the parents too? 

And sending her the text about saving is indeed a weak move. Right now, it will make her think that she was right and you were wrong in exposing her


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> She has told me that she has already asked our sons who they want to live with, and she said that are picking her.
> 
> I said "of course they will tell you that if asked by *you*. They wouldn't hurt your feelings and tell you they prefer their father right to your face."


Tell her that they don't know that she had 3 affairs yet!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You did good, think about it, you could have confronted her with out exposure and file for D, hell *for now* thats what she wants so for now the D is not a consequence.

But the exposure is and that consequences will strees the affair wwhile others do your bidding you can focus on the 180 which means you can focus on you and the boys.

Get it?

So as you continue to show her the indifference she deserve from you her famly and friend will but the pressure on, what sucks is she will *for now* distance her self from these poeple, but down the road she will miss her family and friend more then her AP/OW.

Now get to a lawyer so she can see that her options aren't exactly what her AP might be feeding her. Get the divorce lawyer to really go after everything, *for now* it will look to her like she is losing everything and it will make her go to a lawyer to counter your claims for everything. She will of cource counter claim but the point is the initial shock of reading the D papers and seeing you want everything will give her just one more shock/consequence.

At one point she will come to you and ask you what you want and what it will take to be civil about the D and then you can tell her to stop all contact with OW and get her self fixed for *all* the adultous behavior. I think you sould make it a point that its not just about the OW its about all the other times also.

I mean when this happened the 1st or 2nd time I'm sure you had the talk "if you do this again we're thru"?

We all know that until the Om/OW are completely out of the picture the marriage is doomed.

For now keep making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Beside talking to your lawyer about preventing your WW from removing the kids from the home and freezing all jount accounts, talk to the lawyer about a moral clause that will prevent the OW from being around your kids. Again one of those things that even if its not a court order yet it would be good to have writen down in the D papers for the shock/consequence value.

One more thing, see if the lawyer can name the OW in the D paper.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mahike said:


> Does not matter that it has been months since the last time you had sex. 1 Do you really know when they had sex for the first time? 2 it is to throw more cold water on her A and what she has done. (by the way most PA's no protection)
> 
> Let her folks know you would like to fix the marriage but you cannot do anything until she ends it with the OW and goes to MC with you.
> 
> Spend time as I said with the boys as much as you can.


:iagree:

You still need std/HIV checks. This will help ensure your health has not been physically compromised and it will also help underline the face that having sex with another person IS cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, she still wanted to cheat, so she decided to pretend to be a Lesbian so she could cheat, but not really cheat?  

She is... wow. How damaged can on person's thinking be? :scratchhead:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You have to follow through with the (shark of a) lawyer and filing for D coupled with the hardest 180 you can gather. You can always stop the procedings in case she snaps out of it but she needs to know you are dead serious about it. Serve her, discuss the custody. Be calm but firm about your request.

Do her parents know about the old PA1 and EA1?


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

I would never expose to her parents. At least the PA is minimized at this point to her parents. She can tell them whatever she wants. I doubt she'll tell you how far the affair went as she will be afraid you will expose the additional details, so in order to find the truth, you will have to agree (promise) you will not speak of the additional details. Then, after you discover the entire truth, you can decide what you really want to do.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> I would never expose to her parents. At least the PA is minimized at this point to her parents. She can tell them whatever she wants. I doubt she'll tell you how far the affair went as she will be afraid you will expose the additional details, so in order to find the truth, you will have to agree (promise) you will not speak of the additional details. Then, after you discover the entire truth, you can decide what you really want to do.


The relationship isn't even close to discussing truths, WW is still in the fog and until she does the NC w/ OW and wants the R and is willing to show remorse, then that will be the time to talk about truth.

The battle plan today is to make the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible, and since the OW is single the only exposure had to be with WW family and friend.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

gather proof -check

expose A - check

confront with confidence - check

file for D and wait for a corner to be turned - unchecked


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

the guy said:


> gather proof -check
> 
> expose A - check
> 
> ...


Exactly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Acabado, what the statement say at the bottom of your post....MAl de muchos, consulo de tontos?

Sorry for the threadjack


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Consuelo = consolation, solace, relief. Old spanish proverb.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Just came back from the attorney's. He really calmed my fears about her being able to take the kids away. Things are not that easy in my state. Her threats are empty.

I asked about custody if their is a homosexual relationship involved, and he said that it is up to the parent to prove the environment is harmful to the child. He said that a lot of times it is up to the individual judge, but if things were to ever get that far then we're talking guardians being appointed to represent the kids' best interest, court trials, etc. I'm hoping we can come to a reasonable joint/shared custody arrangement on our own.

For now, I'm focusing on kids and 180. I've ignored all her cell phone calls and texts. She called our home phone around lunch time, and I answered. She asked to talk to my son. I said he's in the shower because we just got back from football practice. She said that I hadn't replied to her texts. I said it's because I had nothing further to say...then hung up. Hopefully tonight is peaceful because I desperately need sleep.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> I would never expose to her parents. At least the PA is minimized at this point to her parents. She can tell them whatever she wants. I doubt she'll tell you how far the affair went as she will be afraid you will expose the additional details, so in order to find the truth, you will have to agree (promise) you will not speak of the additional details. Then, after you discover the entire truth, you can decide what you really want to do.


This really depends on (a) whether or not the affair ends and (b) whether he wants reconciliation.

Both of them mentioned divorce immediately and playing that card and telling the parents right off the bat is playing a lot of cards in your hand at once.

However since this isn't the first time cheating, I would hope that he realizes that ANOTHER reconciliation will ultimately just have him posting here in the future.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good for you 3XXX's.

Now you have sound legal advice.

Where is your wife staying right now?

Do either of your kids have their own phones?

Ignore her for now. Go dark and get some rest so you can think straight.

Tomorrow is a new day.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Good luck in the 180 if you need inspiration look up shamwow's thread. His story is not too far from yours. Except it wasn't a homosexual relationship. Stay strong don't let her get in your head and make sure you keep that VAR running. 
I hope that, once her fairy tale ends, you can find what you want. You need to set your lines in the sand. You dictate what has to happen for your marriage to continue. NO concessions, no rug sweeping, and no More Mr Nice Guy.

If you do R be prepared for a long drawn out struggle. Especially if your wife in not longer attracted to men. She needs some serious IC and finding a good MC I think will be your best bet here.

If you do D follow the advice of your lawyer. Make sure you stick to the 180 to keep your nose clean. Once the D is final then write her a letter/ have a face to face and let her have it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Remember to always add in "until you stop all contact with OM"

So next time your statement should be " I have nothing further to say until you stop all contact with OW"

Always reinforce this point, she is addicted to the OW and WW doesn;t want to hear it...it might get her off your back.

In fact tell her parents and family that " you want there support for the marriage but you will follow thru with the divorce enless she stops all contact with OW"

I personally think 3 stricks and she out but thats your call.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

As far as the atty. was there any talk about a moral clause with regards to keeping OW away from the boys until the D is final?

What about freezing joint accounts, and naming OW in the D papers?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

The attorney stated that once the papers are filed, neither of us is to bring another boyfriend/girlfriend/partner around the children. They cannot move in together, etc.

Alienation of Affection lawsuits are only viable in 8 states, and difficult to prove.

I am going to press for a dissolution rather than divorce. It will be easier on the kids, and way less $$, and hopefully more beneficial to me. Hopefully WW will be reasonable and civil about it all. At this point there is not even a hope of reconciling on her part. I'm pretty confident that we're officially caput.

As one previous poster said "She's just not into you anymore." 

There you go.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

SHE made her choice. SHE did. You were just along for the ride.

I am glad you are taking steps concerning custody and exposure to the children. (I want to make the point that I could give a fig whether she is a lesbian or the Queen of England or a polka-dotted pig, this has nothing to do with that and everything to do with exposing your children to someone who is an enemy of the marriage.) 

I find it appalling but some posters on here don't make the effort to put this into the custody agreement. I will never understand why.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry to hear how things are going. I hope you got the rest you needed. How are the boys coping with this? Anger issues with you or her?

I agree that you should let your families know you cannot really talk with her about anything until she stops seeing and talking with that POSW.

Did you get to the DR yet? You really need to do that. Take care of yourself for your boys.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> The attorney stated that once the papers are filed, neither of us is to bring another boyfriend/girlfriend/partner around the children. They cannot move in together, etc.
> 
> Alienation of Affection lawsuits are only viable in 8 states, and difficult to prove.
> 
> ...


Well, her loss

You know where the relationship stands now. Live your life and know that you did your best

One day she might look back and wonder "what was I thinking?"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> I find it appalling but some posters on here don't make the effort to put this into the custody agreement. I will never understand why.


:iagree:

Exactly! It's called a Morality Clause

Morality Clause: Prohibiting Cohabitation and Overnight Guests


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