# OW Attempted To Make Contact With Me...



## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I've seen and discussed the "clues" about her viewing my linkedin profile, and then just the other day there was a join request submitted by her for my health and fitness FB group which I no longer admin anyway (deactivated my FB account), but today it was direct....

Today started well as I got up early to make it to my DBT class. This is the final class of the "Emotional Regulation" section before moving on to the next class. Anyway, class went well and I get back to my office, open my email....and there it is...



> Have just been thinking about you and wish you wouldn't have disappeared ..... again
> 
> How are you? I want your friendship back I miss you and chatting
> 
> ...


I immediately went home and told my wife. I told her I wanted to reply and tell her to no longer contact me in any way shape or form and that I am typing this reply with my wife in my presence and she know everything.

My wife simply asked that I do not reply and that I forward the email to her and she will handle it....so I did as she asked.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Ugh, that sucks. Is your wife OK? I'm sure both of you are a bit shaken by it but this stuff happens. The OW is fishing. If it were me I think I would ignore her completely, especially since she is specifically pushing for you to accept her FB friend request.

You have done great work and your marriage is really strong as a result.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I would say you handled it the right way. I would get rid of the facebook also.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Wow, the OW is fishing for sure. You handled it well. Transparency is key to healing. I guess the main thing is to talk to your wife and make sure she feels loved and valued. I hope she is ok. This must be so tough...how are you feeling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know how your wife handled it?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I'm OK now, thank you all. I wasn't when I realized it was her. This has been the first OVERT attempt by her to contact me and I'll admit it...I was actually physically shaken by this. I was flustered when I went home to tell my wife and I could tell she was worried as I tried to articulate it...but I managed. I used some of my mindfullness tools I've been learning about and managed to calm down. Gave my wife a huge hug and kiss, told I love her immensely and back off to work I went.

Thanks again everyone and take care.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know how your wife handled it?


I don't Ele...This literally happened less than 2 hours ago. I really don't want to know, but I suspect she is going to try to "out her" to her family and possibly her long term "boyfriend". Yes, she's been with this guy for years while telling me over the phone and online about what she wants to "do to me".

The reason I believe my wife is going to try to expose her is because she asked me today if I knew anything about her boyfriend....which I don't.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Whatever she decides to do you just have to support that choice. I am sure you know that, the OW brought it on herself. You'll both get through this, hang in there.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

@MountainRunner, did you previously send any kind of No Contact communication to the OW?

Anticipate that your W is triggering today and will need lots of attention and support, or how ever else she prefers to handle these things.
You handled this just fine. It must be hard.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Just wanted to remind you to breathe and to focus on your healing. This attempt at reconnecting will probably stir up all kinds of emotions...regret, anger, sadness, depression, and shame. Just remember that nothing has ultimately changed since yesterday except that your wife now knows you are transparent, and she may want to protect her marriage as would I. Support her and remember that the work you are doing is to manage your reactions....you utilize your tools and keep that connection with your wife as your main focus. You got this!


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

MR, my FWH's OW continued to contact him for years. Unfortunately, he responded occasionally which only encouraged her the more.. Always found out by me as I was very vigilant. He put off writing the NC letter I asked for from Day 1 but stopped his responding contact when I threatened and would have followed thru with divorce. Your OWs letter to you was very similar to what I was intercepting from husbands OW. The NC letter did nothing to persuade her to quit...she always accused me of coercing, threatening my husband into NC. She finally began to get the message when we informed her husband and threatened a cease and desist order. However, after almost 4 years, her last contact came in March of 2015, telling how happy she was, how great she felt, etc. Pretty similar to your message...

My advice: cut all avenues that may be open to her to contact you, block her, expose her to her family, boyfriend, reiterate to her the absolute fact that you are not interested in her as frequently as necessary,(ignoring these attempt at contact did not work for us),share these events asap with your wife and reassure her that her fears(she has them even if she won't admit) of you reengaging with this woman are unnecessary. Comfort her, apologize again for the pain your conduct has inflicted on her and whatever you do, do NOT encourage the AP by apologizing, wishing her well, or even referring to your past with her. You cannot remain friends in any way, shape or form. 

Every single time I intercepted a contact attempt, it brought back triggering to the way I felt on Dday. so you must be there for your wife as she deals with this as she very well may feel the same. Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MR,

As they say down here in the south "you did real good".

I agree with the other posters. Don't ever respond to her communications - even to tell her to stop. Completely ignore her. Block her calls, e-mails, and texts.

Let your wife know every time she attempts to communicate and support her in whatever she decides to do. That's not your call anymore.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I had to get involved with my H's EA ho when she kept begging him to continue their "friendship". I had him stop dealing with her as she seemed to thrive on any attention from him, negative or positive. I sent her a very concise but clear message directly from me, and I shared details with her H. Have not heard from her since.

Unfortunately, the BS is often left to clean up a lot of the mess by the WS. I hope you appreciate it...but also understand that it diminishes respect (at least in my case).


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Thanks again all. I never did submit a NC communique as I simply promised (and have kept my word) to my wife that I would not communicate with her ever again. I went "dark" on the OW, blocked on FB, deactivated FB, blocked on linkedin, don't twitter or anything else. In light of this blatant attempt by her to "reconnect", I offered to write a NC reply and let the OW that my wife knows of her and that we both demand that she stops attempting to contact me. I'm torn as to which way to go, but this is my wife's choice and I will honor her decision. I know my wife is feeling all sorts of emotions right now as am I. I saw it in her eyes when I stammered out what the OW did (yes...I was stammering. I'm usually a pretty cool customer, but this did shake me up as I suspected this would happen, but never really convinced myself that it would...so yeah...I was surprised.)...she was scared. I could see it...and that is why I held her, hugged her, kissed her, looked her square in the eyes and told her "I love you dearly sweetheart."


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Ya know what? I was just thinking....This woman really has some nerve! I went dark on her and blocked her from all my social media and you'd think one would ....umm...like...."get a clue", yeah? Furthermore, she knows I'm married and always has. She is in a long term relationship herself...yet that doesn't seem to deter her...

Now that I think of it, this whole event speaks more to her nature than anything...know what I mean?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@MountainRunner, 

For legal reasons, I suggest that you show your wife this link: Sample No Contact Letters | AFFAIRCARE These are sample No Contact Letters, and I recommend that you and your wife work together using these samples to craft a No Contact Letter together. It should sound like it is coming from you, and your wife should read it, add her own line or two, and seal it. Then you two make a copy, and take the original to the post office and mail it certified, return receipt. 

If she refuses the letter, you have legal proof that you attempted to tell her to buzz off. If she signs for the letter, you get the postcard back that proves she knew your wishes to stop contacting you. 

THEN if she ever fishes or tries to contact you again, in any way, you have legal evidence to go ahead and get a restraining order. Namely, you take the certified letter and the printout of whatever way she tried to contact... and you go before a judge saying "I have proof I asked, she continued, now it's stalking." The judge will order she cease contact and stay 500 ft from you, and if she breaks that...then off to jail she goes! 

And yes, this sounds a little "over the top" but it's also extremely concrete proof to your spouse that you are actively protecting your marriage and HER!


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> Ya know what? I was just thinking....This woman really has some nerve! I went dark on her and blocked her from all my social media and you'd think one would ....umm...like...."get a clue", yeah? Furthermore, she knows I'm married and always has. She is in a long term relationship herself...yet that doesn't seem to deter her...
> 
> Now that I think of it, this whole event speaks more to her nature than anything...know what I mean?


Well it doesn't really take a lot of nerve. You were involved with her before so it's not that far-fetched for her to assume that you would be willing to again. Yes she knows that you are married but you knew that you were married too when you were involved with her. The emotional affair didn't happen independent of you.

Instead of _just_ blocking her from all of your social media and expecting her to 'get a clue' you should have been direct and ended it with her. You had a relationship with her and in going dark on her you effectively left her with nothing, no reason as to why you disappeared from her life, therefore, allowing her mind to fill in the blanks. For all she knows your wife could be _coming between the two of you_ and _keeping you from her_.

If you really want her to leave you alone then you and your wife have to make that clear to her.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Locke.Stratos said:


> Well it doesn't really take a lot of nerve. You were involved with her before so it's not that far-fetched for her to assume that you would be willing to again. Yes she knows that you are married but you knew that you were married too when you were involved with her.
> 
> Instead of _just_ blocking her from all your social media and expecting her to 'get a clue' you should have been direct and ended it with her. You had a relationship with her and in going dark on her you effectively left her with nothing, no reason as to why you disappeared from her life, therefore, allowing her mind to fill in the blanks and to hope. For all she knows your wife could be coming in between the two of you and keeping you from her.
> *
> If you really want her to leave you alone then you and your wife have to make that clear to her.*


On D-Day my wife demanded that I cease any communication with her...I complied. She was vehement about absolutely NC. We just finished talking about this and she has decided to simply ignore her for the time being. She said that if the OW attempts to contact me again, to simply forward the message to her.

This is her call and not mine. I don't have a horse in this race as I am indeed the married man that betrayed my wife.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Thanks @Affaircare. If my wife decides to unleash hell on her, we will definitely check it out. Her decision at the moment is to not give the OW the pleasure of any acknowledgement whatsoever.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> On D-Day my wife demanded that I cease any communication with her...I complied. She was vehement about absolutely NC. We just finished talking about this and she has decided to simply ignore her for the time being. She said that if the OW attempts to contact me again, to simply forward the message to her.
> 
> This is her call and not mine. I don't have a horse in this race as I am indeed the married man that betrayed my wife.


Then she's likely to try to contact you again, that's already twice now within the week. I wouldn't recommend leaving this up in the air, with some people you really just have to be honest and concise and tell them what you want (or what you don't want in this case).


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Your wife is right. Any positive or negative contact form you or anyone associated with you will encourage her to try again. No response is the best way to extinguish the attempts. 

How are you? Why are you so shaken up?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> How are you? Why are you so shaken up?


I'm OK Catherine and thanks for asking. My wife is doing alright as well. We're spending our evening watching "Orange Is The New Black" and we are actually..OK in light of this intrusion back into our lives, but we will both see this through.

Why am I so shaken up? Simple...I'm terrified. All my life I have been emotionally stunted and have sought validation through women. I am early in my therapy and although I "knew" that there might be a time where this OW would foist herself upon me again...I secretly hoped I would never be faced with it because I've never been strong.

Today, I didn't hesitate to expose her to my wife....but I was still scared because I really didn't know how I would react and behave.

Something must be "sticking" from my lessons and homework.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MountainRunner said:


> I've seen and discussed the "clues" about her viewing my linkedin profile, and then just the other day there was a join request submitted by her for my health and fitness FB group which I no longer admin anyway (deactivated my FB account), but today it was direct....
> 
> Today started well as I got up early to make it to my DBT class. This is the final class of the "Emotional Regulation" section before moving on to the next class. Anyway, class went well and I get back to my office, open my email....and there it is...
> 
> ...


This OW is persistent, you did the right thing and have given much comfort to your wife. It is probably better if your wife handles it, so that she knows you are not keeping any secrets anymore. Kudos to you!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MountainRunner said:


> I'm OK Catherine and thanks for asking. My wife is doing alright as well. We're spending our evening watching "Orange Is The New Black" and we are actually..OK in light of this intrusion back into our lives, but we will both see this through.
> 
> Why am I so shaken up? Simple...I'm terrified. All my life I have been emotionally stunted and have sought validation through women. I am early in my therapy and although I "knew" that there might be a time where this OW would foist herself upon me again...I secretly hoped I would never be faced with it because I've never been strong.
> 
> ...


MR I read your posts all of the time and you impress me as a very strong man and you can cook. :laugh: 

FWIW wanted to give some feedback from one vantage point.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

MountainRunner said:


> I "knew" that there might be a time where this OW would foist herself upon me again...I secretly hoped I would never be faced with it because I've never been strong.


Well let's hope the OW is not a bunny boiler; probably not. But if it starts looking like a worst case scenario, I suggest you talk to an attorney and find out what you can do to to set her up for a RO. That might include sending her a cease and desist request.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MountainRunner said:


> I'm OK Catherine and thanks for asking. My wife is doing alright as well. We're spending our evening watching "Orange Is The New Black" and we are actually..OK in light of this intrusion back into our lives, but we will both see this through.
> 
> Why am I so shaken up? Simple...I'm terrified. All my life I have been emotionally stunted and have sought validation through women. I am early in my therapy and although I "knew" that there might be a time where this OW would foist herself upon me again...I secretly hoped I would never be faced with it because I've never been strong.
> 
> ...


Dude, I really admire your honesty and introspection.

And, well done.

I know you'll have your wife's back if she decides to "unleash hell" on this woman.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)




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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Running Mountain... Man Who Runs on Mountains... (oops, MountainRunner? )

You should be very proud of yourself for handling this in an above-board, honest, admirable way.

You removed any secrecy, gave all of the power back to your wife, and have been completely transparent. The OW is fishing big-time in a very despicable way.

Way to go! :yay:


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

I'd like to thank you all once again for your feedback and support. I am working very hard on being the man, and husband I should have been for so long. I am working very hard on being mindful of my behavior. I am now questioning myself more. I find myself taking a "moment of pause" before acting on any of my feelings more often and when I do, I ask myself what the consequences of my actions would be. I'm trying to be more cognizant as to whether my emotion(s) are "true" or are they simply a manifestation of my disorder in an attempt for gratification to fill the empty void.

One more thing that I've noticed. I have never been entirely honest with myself or any of my partners. That ended some months ago as I committed to practicing "full disclosure" and you know what I've discovered? Being honest is "liberating"...I no longer have to make stuff up or remember things I've said etc.

It simply feels "good" not having to hide anymore. This is new to me, but I like the feeling...Thanks again folks and I hope I made sense with this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

"No legacy is so rich as honesty." All's Well that Ends Well, Shakespeare


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'll add "Beauty is truth. Truth, beauty. That is all ye know on Earth, and all ye need to know." John Keats


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