# Really need Help understanding...



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

This is long I'm sorry... I'm just so confused, please give me some insight. Your opinion... anything:

So I have been with my husband for 6 years and have a 2 year old daughter and another on the way. At the end of December I found out that my husband doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. I know this sounds like we may not get along or there is another woman involved... there isn't. 

Back in October he started to tell me he doesn't feel right, like something was wrong. Maybe he was just having a funky day, so we thought. That funky day turned into a week which turned into months. His apetite decreased, he was having trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, and started becoming more agitated and irritable. I thought he was depressed/imbalanced and urged him to see his doctor. She told him all she thought was wrong was that he was stressed. This made me ask him if he loved me. He said of course he does. He still cares for me, still loves me, we have a great relationship. We don't really fight, not anything major anyways. He says that for some reason he just doesn't feel the same way about his life anymore. I suggested counseling... not just for himself but for both of us. He refused, didn't give it a chance. Said that no amount of talking will change his feelings. Says he feels this way because if he could change them he would and go back to how it was. 

So now we are separated. He has been staying at a freinds house for 2 weeks now, going on 3. Coming over after work every other day to see his daughter and all the financials are the same. We have gone on one date where it was perfect. We still get along great and have a great time being together. Unfortunately, we are also still very sexually attracted to each other and can't seem to keep our hands off each otehr if we're alone. So I don't understand what the problem is. The response I get is the classic break up speech, "It's not you, it's me". He says I'm great, perfect even but it's something in his head and he wants the chance to figure it out. In the meantime I'm stuck in limbo. What is there for me to fix? What is there for us to talk about and work through? Counseling is out of the question and I wait to find out if he wants to come home or has figured out he wants a divorce.


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

What was you husbands personality like pre marriage and over the first six years? What is his work environment like? Have you discussed any of this with anyone in his family, mother or father.

Why is MC out of the question? He claims it is not you, it is him and he is unwilling to see a MC? Very strange.

It sounds like he has a wonderful family and he willing to throw it away without a fight. He does not "feel" right? Give me a break, he needs to grow up and take care of his family.

Do not become a welcome mat for him. How do you work on a marriage from a friends house? Are you sure there is no one else? Remember that old saying "trust by verify"


----------



## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

One more thing: It is very hard to have any respect for him considering you are pregnant. This must be very stressful!


----------



## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Mid life crisis comes to my mind. But how old is he?


----------



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

gonefishin said:


> What was you husbands personality like pre marriage and over the first six years? What is his work environment like? Have you discussed any of this with anyone in his family, mother or father.
> 
> Why is MC out of the question? He claims it is not you, it is him and he is unwilling to see a MC? Very strange.
> 
> ...


Very loving, down to earth, and goofy. We always goofed around until this all started. Then it just seemed like he was growing distant from me and said it was because he couldn't stop thinking about how he felt turned so upside down. He said he does not want to talk with anyone because he doesn't see how that will help him. Says they will ask him the same questions that he does not have an answer to over and over again and it will just agitate him even more. I tried to tell him they don't do that but it just seemed to be a dead end. He starts to shut me out if I bring it up or anything he doesn't want to hear really. As far as anyone else... I can't see where he would have the time. He has always from the beginning told me that if he ever wanted to be with anyone else while he was in a relationship then he would not keep the other person on the line. It wouldn't be fair. It just seemed that he is a better person than that and I do trust him when he tells me there is no one else. He is very blunt when it comes to that sort of thing. I asked him when we separated if there was anyone else and he told me that if there were then this wouldn't be so hard to figure out. He would just divorce me. That sounds harsh but I believe him.


----------



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

scione said:


> Mid life crisis comes to my mind. But how old is he?


We are young, he is about to be 28 and I'm only 26. Yes, we got married at 20 and 22 but with our lifestyle I just never thought this would happen to us. We both have always thought the same way and I was very happy and content with our lives together.


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

My WS absolutley refused MC, stated he didn't think it would do any good. He claims he has been going to counseling for himself and his counselor told him that his marriage vows are too much stress for him and that it does not matter what your family thinks or expects of him. I find that advice to be stupid, without a receipt from this counselor I don't believe he ever went. I think he made it up and thought that I would accept because the 'counselor' told him.


----------



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

Lone Star said:


> My WS absolutley refused MC, stated he didn't think it would do any good. He claims he has been going to counseling for himself and his counselor told him that his marriage vows are too much stress for him and that it does not matter what your family thinks or expects of him. I find that advice to be stupid, without a receipt from this counselor I don't believe he ever went. I think he made it up and thought that I would accept because the 'counselor' told him.


That to me also sounds like he really didn't go. I would not think a counselor would actually tell someone their marriage vows are too stressful... Now telling him to do what is right for himself and not worry what others would say or think could possible be accurate. But not if it meant being unfaithful or the like. I would just expect a counselor to help them through their problems, not tell them thier marriage vows are too stressful and so it shouldn't matter.


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Yes, he claims his counselor told him that promises and committments are too stress for him. I don't buy the not worrying about others think or expect either. Yes, from a strangers point I could see that, but to not worry about what your wife and children think of you or what they expect.......I don't buy it. Besides, if he really believes all that crap then why is he upset that his kids want nothing to do with him? Until I see receipts from the counselor's office I don't believe a word he says.


----------



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Limbo, your situation really sounds like mine...my wife (in october also) said she felt awkward, and couldn't explain it...followed by a month of depression...i knew something wasn't right, so I confronted her...we separated, and are now in the process of divorcing.

She said a lot of the same stuff..."it's not about you, it's about me...i have to figure out what I want out of life....i love you, but i'm not IN love with you."

Stuff like that.

Of course she was interested in another mans he met on the internet at the time...so that made matters worse, and likely forced them a bit....however...I don't know if I can really *help* you with your situation, since I am in/was in the same...and it's not going to end well for me....but if you ever need someone to share similar stories with, i'm around.

for what little comfort it's worth, it helps to talk to someone in the same situation, at least to gain some perspective and understanding, though every situation is different and unique


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I also heard the "it's not about you, it's about me, I've lost myself, I need to figure out who I am" crap. It's just that....... crap!


----------



## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> ....but if you ever need someone to share similar stories with, i'm around.
> 
> for what little comfort it's worth, it helps to talk to someone in the same situation, at least to gain some perspective and understanding, though every situation is different and unique


Where you suspicious before you actually found out about the other man? It's just that every fiber in me is saying that he isn't and that I know him. Know he would never do that to me or anyone, just becasue that's the person he is. But I also realize that is sounds like he is... it's everyone's first thought. I would hope that if it were true then he would tell me right now and really let me go like he said he would if it was a matter of another woman.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband was THE guy whom NO ONE thought would EVER cheat. Including me. It was impossible. He was the definition of integrity.

My brother said almost the exact same things your husband is saying, to his now ex wife when he was cheating.


----------



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Ms_Limbo said:


> Where you suspicious before you actually found out about the other man? It's just that every fiber in me is saying that he isn't and that I know him. Know he would never do that to me or anyone, just becasue that's the person he is. But I also realize that is sounds like he is... it's everyone's first thought. I would hope that if it were true then he would tell me right now and really let me go like he said he would if it was a matter of another woman.


EVERYONE told me "it sounds like she is lying and cheating on you...something isn't right"....through my research, everyone told me that statements like "I love you but i'm not IN love with you" are tell-tale signs for cheating, or interest in someone else..

To your original question - Did I suspect? I've known my wife for 8 years. Only married for 1 year, but I loved her for 8, knew EVERYTHING about her...she was never a good liar, and always honest...but after we separated....i didn't suspect her of cheating, I didn't know what to think, but i believed, because I love her, that she would be honest with me...but I NEVER thought she would be getting involved with someone else during the whole thing.

The lies got worse, and despite that she may have thought she was "clever" I still saw right through the lies in the end...i had to sadly break some privacy boundaries to discover the truth (or at least enough to be certain) but....did I ever suspect? No, Should I have suspect? Nope! I did my part as a loving husband and trusted her...in the end, she was the "bad guy" out of all this...just like your husband (if cheating etc) would be the "bad guy" Not you, don't you dare ever blame yourself for feeling like it's your fault, or that you could have "stopped it" if you were more suspicious sooner.

Worst feeling in the world, is finding out that someone you absolutely trust, with your life, ends up lying to you over such serious matters. I would have taken a bullet for her. I still would, however that's just how *I* choose to lead my life, but I also think the bullet might feel less painful than the pain of the betrayal too.


----------



## UnwarrantedParanoia (Sep 1, 2011)

I wish I could turn back time to when I was your age and find this forum. I spent one entire night 6 months ago reading a very long thread (link below), it opened my eyes & made me paranoid about my "Perfect" husband, but my paranoia ultimately led him to open up and confess to me. 

If I were you, I would demand that he move back home to solve the problems TOGETHER, (and so I could see what he was up to). 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/23111-now-what-i-love-you-i-always-will.html


----------

