# please help me! i am so lost!



## mrphil (Mar 26, 2017)

Hi all,

Firstly want to say, that I expect to be criticized, but I’m only here for the help and advice as I am struggling, both emotionally and mentally!

I will start off with a bit about me, I am a father of three children, a beautiful wife, I am now 30 and have been with my wife since the age of 15, we married at 17, and I thought we had an excellent relationship, we do everything together we have done a lot of things, and we do have quite a hectic life, as were just out and about doing things all the time!
Now unforntunalty, I have been to jail on numerous occasions for fraud, I have always provided, but now realise that I was materialistic, my wife never went without, and she does get anything and everything she wants, I put her life before mine, when she breaths she it keeps me alive, I would walk burning coals for my wife, and I adore her, and love her to bits, there’s no word stronger than how I feel, the only problem is the jail sentences, which finally took its toll.

My last sentence of which I was released this year beginning of January, I served 21 months, and for 15 months of that, my wife was supportive of me, I completed courses and counselling surrounding my offending and looked at issues around my OCD, we both had our game plan for when I was released, and that was to get back on to the counselling, and get a job, and stay out of trouble!

Then out of nowhere, my wife wanted to separate, which turned my whole world upside down! I mean it tore me to pieces, not only am I in a prison cell, I have no control, I can’t do anything, and I was devastated! There were no signs! There was nothing!

My gut there was someone else, and my gut was that it was my dad’s, girlfriends son, the rat, communication in the end broke down, for 5 months I tried and tried and tried, to the point of near harassment, all I wanted was my wife back, in the end she blocked all contact with me, and my children as well! I sent letters every day, tried getting information from my children, asking them questions, which I regret now, but at the time I was so lost in this, I would have done anything!
My wife approached the police, and woman’s aid, because she feared that when I was released I would come to the house, and due to my name being on the tenancy, there is nothing she could do to stop me, or the police, and she didn’t want that, I must say there is no domestic violence at all, this was purely my wife knowing that when I was released I would have gone to the house, and would have refused to leave, or would have door stepped her everyday trying to win her back.

On the last month of my sentence, there was no contact in place, I had no way of speaking to my wife, the only way I had was sending letters through other prisoners, and every time she received the letters she would report me to the prison, my wife really wanted me out of her life, she had my name covered over on her wedding finger, and she wanted a divorce etc. etc., all this was within weeks of us splitting up, maybe months!

On one phone call to my father, quite mad I know, I had a gut instinct that it was his girlfriend’s son, but they didn’t know, or so I’m led to believe, so I was in regular contact, but I was told that my wife wants a visit, can I book one, so I did! And she turned up, on her own, looking anxious, worried and lost a lot of weight, we talked about the children, I broke down, I was a mess, I couldn’t control my emotions, I couldn’t believe she was sat in front of me, she took my hand, and I plucked the courage to ask her why she was here, and her words ‘the grass isn’t greener on the other side’ (wow I’m emotional now!!!) and we talked, and she asked if she could come in on another visit, and that she will get the contact unblocked so we can speak, she sent me letters and discussed us, the prison wouldn’t unblock the contact, so I had to go through another prisoner to use his number so I could phone, and we had more visits, and I asked her if she would give our marriage the second chance it deserves!

Anyway, I was released, with a licence condition that I can’t contact my wife, unless it is approved, meaning I couldn’t live at the address with her, no matter what we had said, and what we done, nobody wanted to listen to the fact we had reconciled, because they had concerns due to my behaviour whilst in custody, now to put this straight, I was an emotional wreck, I have never in my life experienced this, and I tried to get the help and support, but no one wanted to help, I made it clear that I would win my wife back, and I would go to any length to do so, which only made it worse for me!

I have moved back in with my wife, and my children, regardless, and I do lie about when I see my wife, and approve times, to play ball, I’m not going to go into it but I’m a firm believer of article 8 of the human rights act, a right to private and family life. I am no concern to my wife and children, and this red tape is just a load of nonsense!

Anyway, at first I questioned my wife about ‘him’ and asked the millions of questions, that don’t help, was he good in bed, how big was he, what did he do, etc. etc. etc., my wife has been pretty honest, and I think I believe her, states the only had sex 7 times, it was rubbish, nothing like us, and that I’m huge compared to him etc. etc., she basically told me, she had enough, he come after her, and she was vulnerable, and wanted someone to talk to, and things happened, I must take some responsibility, that if I was here, this would not have happened, and my wife needs to take responsibility that she done what she did! She admits it was all good at first, but regrets it.

To me, he knew what he was doing, the lonely women, easy prey, because he went on slowly to draw money out of her, and my wife was so in the moment with him, talking about holidays, and going away for the night here and there, and doing whatever they done, she finally seen what he was like, a user, he told her he loved her once, but there was never any more mention of this from him, so he was probably dipping his toe in the water to see if he had my wife bent over the barrel.

My problem is, I can’t let this go, I keep bringing this up, I keep asking questions, it causes arguments, I’ve hit myself in the head with a hammer, I’ve punched my face in, I’ve thought of suicide – I’ve now seen a doctor, and I’m back on counselling, but I feel still in this moment, and I’m repeating my questions, but in different ways, almost trying to make my wife feel bad about it, and wanting to hurt her, we have done so much since I’ve been out of prison, she gives me sex pretty much every day, and I will say, the sex is amazing now, it’s like we have a new lease of sexual chemistry, but I go and spoil it by bringing him up, and having digs, I’m a massive over thinker, I can’t sleep at night, and anytime my wife is away from me in work, my mind is going nuts! I’ve tried to take my self away from it, going for walks, getting busy, but I can’t take my head away from my thoughts, they keep chasing me! I’ve been prescribed mirtazapine, but don’t want to take them, as I feel it’s not my problem why should I need to take drugs to move on from this, I think well I never stuck his **** in my wife, she needs the help?!

I just really don’t know what to do, so many things trigger me and make me think of him, and now most times when I have sex, and my wife has noticed this, I hold my breath in, just to climax, my wife says it’s like I go have to go into a zone, and go really hard and fast, I stop breathing, and then I climax, but on a few occasions I haven’t been able to, which does frustrate me! I don’t know what’s going on! I adore my wife, and the sex is amazing! – I did masturbate every day in prison, so 21 months; I don’t know if this has had an effect, along with this situation which is affecting me mentally, even though I enjoy myself! My wife says I never used to be like that, I don’t want to always go hard-core on my wife just to finish, I want to make love to my wife, and be gentle and not be aggressive and rough but it’s the only way I seem to climax??

What makes it worse, is now social services are involved, because of the risk, it has been decided that I can’t see my children, because of the emotional impact, due to my offending and behaviour whilst in custody, and there is a risk of psychological and emotional harm, through witnessing arguments with my wife, and that my offending has had an impact on my children due to the manipulation and controlling behaviour… which I kind of accept I have been controlling, I never use to say to my wife, you’re not going out, you’re not doing this, we was both happy, and done everything together, and outside people looking in are saying that’s controlling… me and my wife have never argued, ok we argue now, but the kids are never about, and soon I’m hoping our lives will be back on track and we can move on from this, we both don’t want all these professionals involved telling us what to do, my wife admits she made a mistake, I handled it wrong, and we have reconciled, and there is no issue, but there’s too much red tape! 

I now hide in the bedroom, away from my kids, the two older ones no, but my youngest doesn’t because they ask him questions to catch him out about me, I have nowhere to go no family because of everything that has happened, and besides that I just want to be at home, living a normal life, with my wife and children! And now god knows how long these assessments will take, and visits in contact centres to prove myself I am a good father, and that my children are at no risk! 
I’m sorry this is so long, I just need help, I can’t go on like this, it’s not right, I am so god damn hurt by this, its affected me massively! 

Another thing worth the mention is when my wife was sleeping, I took her phone and recovered all the deleted messages, and I lost my head on the first few texts, I didn’t even have chance to read more, I wanted to know if my wife was different with him than she is with me, how she texted him, what she said to him, and there was a text from new year’s, saying how she wishes she could keep his messages because they were lush, and that she had a really good 2016 with him, she said that she said that because she wanted to try and get the money back he owed, and was trying to be nice, I also seen texts to her friends around the time of everything going on, and it was just all too much, she really run me down, and really did not care! 

after all that has happened, and I’ve been home less than three months, she says she loves me, I have never stopped loving her, and I have never accepted this separation, and only recent I got it out of her that she left me for him, I just don’t understand how she can say she loves me more than I do, when she’s done what she has? Can she? I tell her she’s just saying this to keep me calm, and not bring things up, a part of me believes it, but the other part says does she after the lengths she has gone to and the things she done.

I do believe she was vulnerable, had enough, and if he chased her, the attention was probably good. But it’s such a sad story, and I can’t believe it’s happened to me, to us!
I look forward to some sound advice, because I want my wife back, and I want my wife to have her husband back, and for us to get past this!


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I'm sorry you are, it is a tough situation, considering the fact you are not supposed to be around the kids is that just a temporary thing?

You both need marriage counseling and individual counseling this will help you get past it, it will take a long time for you to get over the affair. But with hard work on both of your parts it can be done if you truly want to save the marriage.


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## mrphil (Mar 26, 2017)

Thanks for your reply!
It's temporary with the children, I think so they can assess if I do pose an emotional threat to them. It's all nonsense but nothing I can do about it!

I'm receiving counselling, and we have spoke about marriage counselling but want to look into this after my 4 months of counselling so it doesn't conflict!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

To clarify; none of your offenses are physically violent? 

What about emotional violence: is there occasional or lots of shouting, yelling, swearing, threatening?

Since you are already recieving counseling, what does the counselor say?

maybe you could benefit also with medical therapy to tone down your obsessive thinking.
I dont blame you for obsessing (I would be too and have) but you must control it, or could destroy your marriage.

actually my best advice would be to join a responsible mens group that can guide you and hold you acountable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to get a good steady job, top taking risks regarding your ability to see your wife and children, get into a routine of reasonable behavior.

Once you get your life back on track so you can feel some security, you will be able to work in these things.
Hacking off everyday in prison is one of your climax problems. Your wife's vagina is nowhere near as strong as your hand. Do not wack off or have sex for a couple of weeks, then maybe once a week. You'll likely have no more problems with that.

If this is for real, a job and normalcy will likely solve 90% of your problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Where does your parole officer think you are living?

You need to get into individual counseling ASAP because you need to get control of yourself.

You said that you have been in jail several times. About how many months/years in all have you been in jail?


One thing that you need to realize is that by you doing criminal activity that put you in jail for along periods of time, YOU have jeopardized your marriage. It's a miracle that your wife wants anything at all to do with you. So you really need to cut her some slack on her cheating. 

Going to jail over and over is basically a form of abandonment, over and over. You say that "my wife never went without, and she does get anything and everything she wants, I put her life before mine"... UM, how is this true if you are in and out of jail? Right now you are not working and she is. 

How often in your marriage has she supported you financially because of your criminal convictions?

One thing she has not had that I'm sure she wants/needs is a man who is with her to be an equal partner in marriage and in parenting.

If you want your wife to stay with you and rebuild your marriage, YOU need to interact with her without *angry outbursts*, *disrespectful judgments*, and *selfish demands*. {The bolded are links for you to read.}

Look, I know it's hard when your spouse has cheated. I understand the desire to ask questions over and over. I know I was stuck in that loop for some time. The reason people do this is that their spouse has a secret. And the more info they have, the less of a secret it is. If a betrayed can get enough into it's no longer a secret between then. It turns the affair into a shared, even if painful, experience. But when you ask, it has to be with anger and judgement and punishment. It has to truly be for understanding.

Are you working? If now why don't you have a job, any job? 

To be honest, you are lucky that she waited for you. Most marriages do not survive incarceration.

How aware was your wife of your criminal activity? Was she involved in it in any way?


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

"But when you ask, it has to be with anger and judgement and punishment. It has to truly be for understanding."

I'm pretty sure Elegirl meant to write "without" instead of "with" in the above. She's given good advice here.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrphil said:


> .....I will start off with a bit about me, I am a father of three children, a beautiful wife, *I am now 30* and have been w*ith my wife since the age of 15, we married at 17*, a
> 
> ....I have been to jail on numerous occasions for fraud,..
> 
> ...


Assuming this is all real, have you thought about a career writing soap opera TV scripts?

In rereading this post, it may seem harsh, but you have blown so many opportunities to grow and reform your behavior. Think before you act. Seriously, if you are now in counseling again, you really need to talk to them, as you need to get your life together.

If I were advising you, you need to understand that you really need to pull your life together quickly and it will involve suffering on your part. You married way too young, and you don't seem to have really matured as a husband/father needs to, so that you can be a responsible husband/father. 

You need some "tough love" and a super-human desire to change yourself. Again, that will probably require professional help so talk to your counselor and do what they tell you to do, maybe in a decade or two you can be worthy of a wife and two children.

Your wife's request to separate didn't come out of nowhere. You weren't supporting your family, you were a burden on her and your children. Fix yourself first, then you may have a shot at fixing your relationship with your children and potentially your wife.

Good luck.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

What was the nature of your crimes? What kind of behaviors in custody got you in trouble?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need a good solicitor you look after your interests as a parent.


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## Hicere (Mar 30, 2017)

I honestly started crying while reading this, the reason is that I'm also going through something that's very similar to what you described and I doubt that i have ever heard or read someone saying anything so close to my situation... you've really touched my soul, my depression now is a little bit... cured... or maybe it is because of because I started to take Biotropin?


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