# My fiancé and I don't agree about future bedroom arrangement



## painter (May 22, 2011)

Hello everyone.

My boyfriend proposed to me about a little over month ago and we've both been extremely giddy and happy for that short time. Unfortunately, we've already reached a dilemma. 

It started like this: The other day I was talking to my best friend, who I currently share an apartment with. She made a joke about how I better learn to be more organized now that I'm going to be sharing a bedroom with my boyfriend. I was surprised and I told her that I had no plans of sharing a bedroom with my partner after I got married. She asked me if I had told him this, to which I answered that I hadn't but that I was sure he wouldn't have a problem with it.

Well, when I told him about wanting to have my own bedroom, he didn't take it very well. He's a fairly "modern" guy, but a little more traditional than me. To him, sharing a bedroom is tied in with being husband and wife. I told him that I think sharing a bedroom causes problems for a lot of couples, and that I also think we would be one of those couples. 

You see, he snores, he's organized, and he also needs a light and background noise (such as a television) to fall asleep. I am the complete opposite: I am messy and I need complete silence and darkness to sleep. I think these issues would cause us to get into arguments and make us feel irritated with one another.

But even if we didn't have these issues, I just like having my own room. I'm an artist and I like having a place of my own that I can decorate however I want. I like having a place where I can paint in peace and not have to worry about making a mess. I think people have their own identities apart from their relationships, and I don't like the idea of having to fuse mine with his. I'm not saying that couples who share bedrooms cease to have personalities independent from one another, but I think it can certainly lead to that. You start living in the same house, in the same bedroom, doing everything together, and I think for a lot of people (not all) this can cause them to start feeling like they're not individuals anymore.

I also like to have my own space where I can be alone every once in a while. Yes, I know that if I shared a bedroom with him I could just go to a separate place in the house to be by myself, but it's not the same as having a sanctuary you can truly say is yours and yours only.

He says that if it's really that important to me, we can try to find a house with a studio space where I can paint and be alone, but he still insists on sharing a bedroom. I keep repeating all the differences we having with our habits, but he's convinced that these are small details. I've personally witnessed how little things like snoring can tear married couples apart, but he's not having it. And I'm unwilling to budge about sharing a room. He's even said things like, "You must not love me as much as I love you if you're so against sharing a room with me." It feels like we've reached a crossroads and I've no idea how to solve it.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I couldn't sleep with a tv or light on but if I told my husband that is a dealbreaker to me sleeping with him he'd give up that habit. He'd rather have me with him than have that light or tv.

The snoring I've gotten used to and we've long since navigated the cleanliness/decor/etc of the shared space we call our bedroom. It was just the beginning of many things we've had to work through in our 20 year marriage.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I think some people, such as yourself, need to recognize they are not marriage material. You have created in your own mind a mountain of obstacles that most people scale and conquer every day, yet you refuse to budge and insist that mountain will be the downfall of your marriage. You both, especially you, are starting off with the wrong frame of mind.

Despite your adamant resistance, you have to realize and accept what marriage is about. You are in love and think that is supposed to sustain your marriage - you each just do your own thing and stay in love forever. But, it doesn't even come close to working that way.

What might be to you as slight and unimportant might be concerns to him that serve to anchor him to the marital relationship. The needs you both have are important, and you each should make the other's needs important to you. Learning how to listen is a good start. So, listen to this....your husband is telling you he needs his wife to sleep in the same bed with him. Did you hear that? 

You will find there are many issues that will arise in your marriage, some of them you will consider minor issues, some he will think are minor issues. Some of them will be major, but the main thing to know is marriage is about compromise and giving - you both have to give a little and sometimes a lot. It's not about what you want and how you want it. You can still have your own space without sleeping in it. 

But, every reason and bit of your own logic (most of which makes no sense to me) that you used to build your insurmountable mountain are all the ways you are telling yourself that you really should spend your life single and unmarried. You just need to listen to yourself. Listen and you will find there is much more. For example, you have made up in your mind there is no solution except for you to have your way. That kind of singlular attitude is not for a married woman. You want your own space and you want to sleep there. Sound like a single woman to you? It does to me.

Marriage counseling, or couple's counseling in your case, will help both of you learn to communicate, learn how to actually listen, and learn to compromise.

And just food for thought, for whatever it is worth, I know two women who blame themselves for their divorce. They wanted to sleep in another room to get away from snoring husband, but they now realize how separate bedrooms impeded the romance. They had sex all right, but hubby didn't get that closeness he desired. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, you don't have all the answers.


----------



## painter (May 22, 2011)

I'm sorry, but that is just the most foolish thing I've ever read. Not everyone needs to be a drone to tradition. The idea that a woman who sleeps in her own bedroom is "single" is nothing short of ridiculous. The divorce rate these days is astounding. I'm sure most of those people share bedrooms, so that "closeness" does not save it. In fact, the more I hear of married couples' troubles, the more convinced I am that sharing a bedroom won't work. 

The happiest couple I know (my aunt and uncle, who are the people I even got this idea from) have separate bedrooms. They started out sharing one, but decided it wasn't working.

Not everyone lives in the 1800s.

ETA-- And I would be more willing to share a bedroom and have my own studio space if we didn't have such different habits. I don't see why he should change his lights-and-television-on habit for me. It's what makes him comfortable. And I don't see why I should change my dark-only-no-noise habit. This isn't college, where I'm forced to tolerate someone's habits because I have no choice. The only reason my boyfriend does not want separate bedrooms is that he's always heard the Husband + Wife = One Bedroom tradition and won't listen.

ETA 2-- Sleeping in separate bedrooms is becoming more common these days. And guess what? Those couples have a higher success rate. Read about it.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ah to be young again....to buck tradition, to be a modern woman, to ignore your husband's wishes.

Um good luck with that. Has divorce written all over it. That happy separate bedroom couple is fine because they agreed to it. Your husband doesn't want that. He wants you with him, in his bed, every single night for the rest of his life. Are you really willing to say no just because YOU think it's foolish?


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

And true to your nature as revealed in your initial post, everyone is wrong but you. You have all the answers, so why did you solicit my foolish opinion? 

I think it very narrow-minded, as I indicated earlier, that you equate sleeping together with having something to do with the rate of divorce....or that sleeping together obviously doesn't save the marriage. I never suggested my 1800s mentality will save the marriage. Try again to listen. My whole point was a brief chronicle of what marriage is about.....or rather what marriage is about to YOUR future husband and that what is important to him should not be blown off by you to insist you have your way. 

Did you hear me this time?


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

painter said:


> I'm sorry, but that is just the most foolish thing I've ever read. Not everyone needs to be a drone to tradition. The idea that a woman who sleeps in her own bedroom is "single" is nothing short of ridiculous. The divorce rate these days is astounding. I'm sure most of those people share bedrooms, so that "closeness" does not save it. In fact, the more I hear of married couples' troubles, the more convinced I am that sharing a bedroom won't work.
> 
> The happiest couple I know (my aunt and uncle, who are the people I even got this idea from) have separate bedrooms. They started out sharing one, but decided it wasn't working.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's the fact that you don't want to share a room that river is referring to - it's both of you being unwilling to compromise. Not just you but him too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

painter said:


> I'm sorry, but that is just the most foolish thing I've ever read. Not everyone needs to be a drone to tradition. The idea that a woman who sleeps in her own bedroom is "single" is nothing short of ridiculous. The divorce rate these days is astounding. I'm sure most of those people share bedrooms, so that "closeness" does not save it. In fact, the more I hear of married couples' troubles, the more convinced I am that sharing a bedroom won't work.
> 
> The happiest couple I know (my aunt and uncle, who are the people I even got this idea from) have separate bedrooms. They started out sharing one, but decided it wasn't working.
> 
> ...


I think River 1977 made some good points. 

I don't think it matters about statistics or what your view on tradition is, it matters what you two agree on. I personally, don't think it's too much to assume husband and wife would share the same bedroom, but if both agreed otherwise, it would be fine.

If this is a problem "before" you marry, I wouldn't expect to get married and it no longer be an issue.


----------



## VLR (May 15, 2011)

I don't see a problem with your desires relative to the bedroom, but I see a huge problem with the fact that you didn't realize it was anything worth mentioning. To me, that's the bigger issue.

Your point of view is very defensible. The bedroom is important for many reasons including sex, sleep and privacy, etc. There needs to be some understanding and agreement as to how all of that is supposed to work and what the two of you expect. 

Your perspective is valid; however, it is worth discussing. There is no right or wrong - there's just the need to arrive at something you can both truly discuss openly and follow without it being a constant source of friction and heartache. 

I hope you both feel on board with the program before moving forward. I also hope you will run through a few other topics to see where else your expectations may be so divergent.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, I think you should buy your friend dinner at the restaurant of her choice. She just taught you an incredibly valuable marital lesson. That is, never assume you know what your spouse will think or feel about things. Talk to them about them.

Second, neither you or your SO is "wrong". But this is one of those things like having kids, where compromise is difficult, and whoever "loses" may feel resentment or have a need left unmet. The risk to your future marital happiness is high. I might suggest some pre-marriage counseling, so you can both get some impartial advice.

Finally, keep in mind that intimacy is not just sex. Not sharing a bedroom may reduce that intimacy to the point of causing a problem, unless you work consciously to prevent that. Have you two thought of living together first, to see what works for you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

There are so many things you could do to make this work! First off, don't use your bedroom as your canvas or your shop. Find another room to do this in. Paint fumes alone cannot be good to sleep with. It can be a small corner of the house/apartment or perhaps a garage? Lots of options there.
Snoring? He can have an in office procedure that removes the adenoids in his nasal passage which is the primary cause of snoring, unless he is overweight. Insurance pays for this. 
If he is unwilling to have surgery, get earplugs. The silicone ones work wonders and you couldn't hear a nuclear bomb with those things in. As for darkness? A sleep mask. Between silicone earplugs and a sleep mask, you will be just fine. 
As for the difference in neatness, well if he likes to be neat and you like to be messy, he can tidy up for you or you can hire a maid to come in periodically. I was a total OCD neat freak and I picked up often after my husband. I kind of liked it as things were done the way I like. Fast forward a long time and now, yeah, dishes aren't always done and I don't care. Priorities change.
Having said all that, I understand the need for personal space, I really do. You want something to feel like your own, right? I totally get that. What we did was we divided our house and we each picked a room that we got to "design" and decorate as we wish. I picked the kitchen and the family room, he picked the bedroom and the master bathroom. We both worked together on the other rooms. The kitchen and family room is a place of total serenity for me. It is exactly as I wanted and very clean lines Danish Modern. I come home everyday and feel at peace in those rooms. He has grown to love it as well. His two rooms are a place of total serenity for him. He painted the walls azur blue and had bamboo flooring installed. Our bedroom and bathroom look like the beach and it is soothing and beautiful. I have grown to love it. See? Neither of us lost ourselves, we just learned to compromise. 
If the differences between the two of you could be worked out, I think things will be just fine. Wouldn't you love to wake up with your husband's arms wrapped around you instead of a bedroom away? You don't loose your identity because you share a bedroom, you loose your identity when you willingly give it away. Sharing a room doesn't cause that.


----------



## steak (May 6, 2011)

It seems like most women would rather not sleep in the same bed as their husband. So you are probably normal.


----------



## painter (May 22, 2011)

Yes, you're right I'm very glad my friend brought it up. If we'd gotten married, this would have been a disastrous beginning. I guess I assumed he wouldn't have a problem with it because he has very "liberal" beliefs about almost everything. 

My (awesome) best friend has suggested that we go through a trial room-sharing period, either in my apartment or his, before we get married and see how it works out. It sounds like a good idea, even though it wouldn't all that similar to actually living together (since in this experiment we wouldn't have to deal with splitting our belongings and furniture equally as we would in our own home), but I'm thinking of asking him to do it.

What frustrates me about this is that he's not giving any good reasons for sharing a room and he's not thinking things out. When I ask him how he thinks we would solve problems like the lights and the television, all he says is, "I don't know, we'll just work it out." He's not actually thinking about any solutions, which to me just sounds like a recipe for a lot of arguments and getting on one another's nerves in the future.

When I ask him why he wants to share a room all he says is that, "We're adults now and if we're getting married that's how it should be." Which isn't even a real argument. He's usually better at thinking things through, but I he's just stuck on this idea and isn't willing to look at the reality of what would happen. It's like he's hoping that once we're married and in our own house things will magically get solved by a fairy or something.

@TheRealBrightEyes thanks for your suggestions, those are very good.


----------



## painter (May 22, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> He wants you with him, in his bed, every single night for the rest of his life. Are you really willing to say no just because YOU think it's foolish?


Let me ask you this, why are you ONLY concerned with what the man wants? I find that very interesting. You dismiss my needs and immediately defend my husband's "needs" (which you merely assumed he has). Am I supposed to give everything I want up just because HE thinks it's foolish? Isn't it wrong that he's saying no just because HE wants his way?

Not only am I concerned about sharing a room because I don't want to, but I also have practical concerns. And I think it's silly for two people to put themselves in a situation where they would both be uncomfortable merely because of some rule.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your prospective husband's attitude is a serious issue. But if the two of you can learn the tools to get through this, I think they can help build a strong relationship in the future. Again, I would suggest some form of joint counseling to help you develop those tools. Ignoring the issue and hoping it will go away will NOT solve it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

painter said:


> Let me ask you this, why are you ONLY concerned with what the man wants? I find that very interesting. You dismiss my needs and immediately defend my husband's "needs" (which you merely assumed he has). Am I supposed to give everything I want up just because HE thinks it's foolish? Isn't it wrong that he's saying no just because HE wants his way?
> 
> Not only am I concerned about sharing a room because I don't want to, but I also have practical concerns. And I think it's silly for two people to put themselves in a situation where they would both be uncomfortable merely because of some rule.


I'm not only concerned with what the man wants. I've been married 20 years and know all too well how little things like this add up to resentment. In your original post it sounded like you were all it was either your way or no way kind of attitude. Now that I've read your other posts about how he doesn't want to even discuss it other than to say "we'll work it out" is not good either. You have needs, he has needs the point is to discuss it, listen to both sides and come up with an agreeable solution whatever that may be.


----------



## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

One of my favourite things about being married is waking up wrapped in my husbands arms.

I would hate for anyone to miss out on that. As for putting your husbands needs first, I firmly believe that is a part of marriage. You should both love and respect each other as an extension of yourselves. Not be individuals living together simply for the convenience of some things. If you can't compromise on an issue this insignificant then I would hesitate to get married as you'll face far more challenging situations in the future.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get some ear plugs or your life together is doomed.


----------



## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I understand your feeling that you have all the answers & he should just do what you want to make you happy & comfortable once you are married. (If only it were that easy!) I also understand what it it like to actually_ be _married.

If you are already so dead set against compromise or even _attempting_ to sleep in the same room with your future husband, all I can do is chuckle, wish you well & recommend retaining a divorce lawyer_ before_ the ink is dry on your marriage certificate. It's not about being old fashioned or anti-woman. It's about being an adult.

"Marriage is about compromise" is repeated so often because it (along with love and respect) is the basis for having any chance at a successful marriage. I have only been married for 3 1/2 years & know I still have a lot to learn, but on this point I am certain.

Get some ear plugs & a sleep mask, keep your mess in your studio space & do some serious growing up before committing to spend your life *joined* in marriage to this man (notice I wrote "joined" to him, not the boss of him). I can only judge based on what you yourself have written, you appear very selfish & selfishness is the antithesis of a successful marriage. How can marriage be successful if you are completely unwilling to *try*?


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Cara has a good point. At this point I'd love for my only complaint to be whether we share a bedroom or not. You have no idea how bad it can get do you?


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

It's the automatic assumption that not sleeping in the same room would be both okay and not something she needed to mention to her fiance that concern me.

It's pretty darn obvious he would want to sleep with her and expect that.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My advice would be DON'T GET MARRIED. This arrangement has resentment, fighting, affairs, separation and divorce written all over it.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I disagreed with you to point out . . .
1. that marriage is about compromise
2. that each of your needs and wishes should be important to each other
3. that you don't have all the answers, no matter how logically you feel you contrive them

You came back to dismiss my response and label it foolish because I didn't agree with you.

You came back later to tell us your husband has not to your satisfaction properly provided legitimate reasons for his desire to sleep in the same bed with his wife.....as if his wishes need be justified or his reasons for something like this need to be approved by you.

Practically everyone has tried to tell you that you are wrong and you both need to compromise, but you zoomed in on the non-existent suggestion that his needs supercede yours. No one said that. The word "compromise" is continually repeated. You are the one here, not your husband, so responses are directed to you and concerning you for the most part. That means telling you not to ignore your husband's wishes and not to go into marriage thinking he has to live by your approval. 

Sometimes, needs and desires don't have to be explained or approved of. Sometimes, people cannot explain them if they tried, which means that sometimes you simply have to be accommodating......and/or willing to compromise. No, this does not mean just you. I am not responding to him because he is not here. But yes, it applies to both partners.

You placed the burden on him to provide solution and because he couldn't satisfy you, you took that to mean your solution is the only answer, instead of suggesting a compromising solution yourself. I and I'll bet most of the respondents were thinking along the same lines as Therealbrighteyes, and possibly some other suggestions like nose strips for him or maybe even spending one or two nights a week in separate beds. The TV is an easy solution since I cannot imagine "we'll work it out" means to him that he refuse to turn it off. I (and probably no one else) didn't realize you were not getting the message. But, you could have thought of those suggestions as possible compromises for yourself had you not been so determined to be right.

Stop cherrypicking your arguments with him and us and try to understand the overall message.


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Atholk said:


> It's the automatic assumption that not sleeping in the same room would be both okay and not something she needed to mention to her fiance that concern me.
> 
> It's pretty darn obvious he would want to sleep with her and expect that.


Yes, very telling, isn't it? She decided upon answering "yes" to his proposal that she solely will conduct their marriage. What she says goes, and he will not satisfy her with legitimate cause for protest.



F-102 said:


> My advice would be DON'T GET MARRIED. This arrangement has resentment, fighting, affairs, separation and divorce written all over it.


Too true.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't see this ending because you have separate bedrooms. I DO see this ending because you two are very different and probably not compatible, and this disagreement over sleeping arrangements is simply a symptom of that. You've mentioned more than once that you two have different habits, and that you feel neither of you should have to change. That's a clear sign to me of inability to compromise. 

Also, you accuse someone on here of being only concerned with your husband's needs and not yours....and yet you are only concerned about your needs and not your husband's. 

My boyfriend snores; I like to set the sleep timer on the tv and fall asleep watching a movie. We make it work, because we love each other and we want to fall asleep together and wake up next to each other. 

I think it's time to stop talking about bedrooms and start talking about whether or not you two are really going to be able to form a lasting marriage. Based on this, I find it unlikely.


----------



## VLR (May 15, 2011)

Wouldn't the conversation about the bedroom situation indicate whether there was any point to a trial? If the two of you can't reach an agreeable arrangement in the conversation, why bother with the move in? If you can reach an agreement, well, if you are both honest in the discussion you should be good to go.

To the issue about capitulating to each other's needs: Nobody need give up anything they are unwilling to relinquish; but this discussion could be a crucial test of the level of communication and compromise you can expect of each other. This will either confirm your compatibility or be a huge red flag.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Painter,
There is a structure to "healthy" conflict. And I think you have already taken
Steps in that direction.
1. How important is this to your partner
2. If not obvious, WHY is it important to them

1. A difficult partner consistently claims that issues are a big deal
And yet they offer no compromise. For instance if this really is
A big deal to him, he should offer to give up the tv/background
Noise. And you should try out various types of earplugs. 

As to "why" this is important to him. Let's start with a question. 
Who has the higher level of sexual desire? If he does then he
Likely sees this as a signal that your desire for him is lower than 
He thought. If his income is higher than yours, that would tend
To amplify his concerns even further.


327257]Yes, you're right I'm very glad my friend brought it up. If we'd gotten married, this would have been a disastrous beginning. I guess I assumed he wouldn't have a problem with it because he has very "liberal" beliefs about almost everything. 

My (awesome) best friend has suggested that we go through a trial room-sharing period, either in my apartment or his, before we get married and see how it works out. It sounds like a good idea, even though it wouldn't all that similar to actually living together (since in this experiment we wouldn't have to deal with splitting our belongings and furniture equally as we would in our own home), but I'm thinking of asking him to do it.

What frustrates me about this is that he's not giving any good reasons for sharing a room and he's not thinking things out. When I ask him how he thinks we would solve problems like the lights and the television, all he says is, "I don't know, we'll just work it out." He's not actually thinking about any solutions, which to me just sounds like a recipe for a lot of arguments and getting on one another's nerves in the future.

When I ask him why he wants to share a room all he says is that, "We're adults now and if we're getting married that's how it should be." Which isn't even a real argument. He's usually better at thinking things through, but I he's just stuck on this idea and isn't willing to look at the reality of what would happen. It's like he's hoping that once we're married and in our own house things will magically get solved by a fairy or something.

@TheRealBrightEyes thanks for your suggestions, those are very good.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Ah to be young again....to buck tradition, to be a modern woman, to ignore your husband's wishes.
> 
> Um good luck with that. Has divorce written all over it. That happy separate bedroom couple is fine because they agreed to it. Your husband doesn't want that. He wants you with him, in his bed, every single night for the rest of his life. Are you really willing to say no just because YOU think it's foolish?



:iagree::iagree: I am young and I know that being stubborn about everything, will not yield a happy marriage. I would rather be happy than right. Mr.G is uncomfortable with me wearing revealing clothes. I don't mind them, but I want him to be happy, so I no longer show a lot of cleavage or leg, unless I am with my husband.

I snore and I graciously gave my husband the bed, while I took the couch. Mr.G asked me to come to bed with him again, because he missed wrapping his arms around his wife.  I lost weight, which helped with the snoring. I also come to bed after he is sleeping.


----------



## floridagirl (May 22, 2011)

well i don't see anything wrong at all with wanting different bedrooms. i have a feeling my current marriage would be better if we had different rooms. however, it is important to compromise as others have said. you seem very headstrong and i get the feeling you don't let people disagree with you very easily. your future hubby might be one of those people who needs to sleep with their spouse next to them to feel happy and safe. i see this as being a big issue if you both don't find a solution you're happy with. good luck.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I didn't hear a question in there. OP seems to have made her mind up. If that winds up working for you, great. If not, oh well. I can say that my wife has lobbied for a 'mommy house' for years. Her own residence that she can go to when she wishes. To be honest, given the state of our marriage it's not a terrible idea. But I am already carrying two homes and a third is out of the question unless and until she pays for it. So it's safe to say that will never happen. If my lot allowed for it I would have the property rezoned for a one or two room guest cottage on site. Maybe that's not such a bad idea. I could erect a cottage out back with an efficiency kitchen and a small bath with a shower. Wouldn't need more than 400sqftInstall an instant hot water injector and a small heat pump. Maybe 30amps service and run an HD cable feed out. The Wifi will already run out there or plug and Ethernet over Power line in. Etc etc. 

Check out Tumbleweed homes on the web.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Not sure why you even bothered to post??? Obviously, if you want to find someone who agrees with you and is as intelligent as you are, just look in the mirror.


----------



## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

First we tackle the sleeping thing.
The snoring you will get used to. 
The light/noise he could give up or wear headphones for the noise.
The seperate space is healthy for both to have a place for some quiet and privacy. (This does not mean seperate bedrooms perse)
The issue of organized so let him just organize. Tell him you are messy and would appreiciate his help in organizing your things in the room and keeping them that way so he won't be upset by the mess.
Also your room can be a mess and he shouldn't say anything about it.

I believe sleeping together is an important thing it builds a strong bond in a marriage. All in all good luck and hope it all works out. Talk it out and keep talking and both should make consessions.


----------



## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Painter -- Why so dismissive, and combative on top of that?

I think you are casting aside the advice you were given a little too soon. It seems that you are quite eager to fight off certain viewpoints, even if they aren't being expressed in this thread.

As you've said, many people have tried to corral you into a particular lifestyle which you've rejected. It seems as if when a board member tries to raise an issue or expresses a viewpoint in this thread, you are projecting on to them the persona of these people who have given you a lot of grief. In fact, the people you are fighting are straw men and don't seem to relate much to the views posted in this thread.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

painter said:


> Hello everyone.
> 
> My boyfriend proposed to me about a little over month ago and we've both been extremely giddy and happy for that short time. Unfortunately, we've already reached a dilemma.
> 
> ...


I agree with your fiancee. This would be a deal breaker for me as well.


----------



## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

Sharing a bedroom as a couple is much more than just an arrangement. It's a couple special place for intimacy, physical contact and sleeping together brings them closer. You are voluntarily creating a distance between you and your partner!


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Painter whether your husband will compromise or not the fact remains you will not. You have blasted people that tried to give you tough love here ignored those that are just stating thei opinion etc and so forth. like everyone here has said its not that you want to have your own bedroom. Like many here I think your reasons here are just as silly and unjustified as you say your STHSTBXH, Its the fact you are completley unwilling to budge on this and that fact you were about to marry man without telling him hey just so you know I want my own bedroom.

One can make assumptions in life that are pretty fair. One can assume that a happily married couple sleep in the same bed at night, one can assumed an unhappily married couple does not sleep in the same bed every night (in fact many of us unhappily married couples the whole problem is our SO is sleeping in another bed. )
If I owned a convience store in Compton it would be safe to assume the guy wearing saggy clothes a hood over his head and eyes looking shifty and paranoid is going to rob me over the gentleman wearing his mechanic coveralls overed in grease and looking tired who just wants his pack of smokes.

I have to ask was your question asked here only to find a way into manipulating him to do what you want? If so you came to the wrong place as many of us here are refrormed manipulators or recent victims of manipulitive people.

All in all though I wish you the best just remeber you reap what you sow.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It reminds me a story I just taught! 
And their solution is even more creative. 

Jack and Ann are married, but they are not happy together. Why not? Because they are very different! Jack smokes, Ann doesn't smoke! Jack likes to watch baseball on TV, but Ann doesn't like baseball. Jack snores, Ann can't sleep! Ann likes loud music, Jack doesn't like loud music. One day Ann saw the house next door was for sale, she bought the house and moved in. Now Ann lives in the house next to Jack. Jack can do whatever he likes, and Ann can do whatever she likes, they are married and happy! 

I think when you get married, you are not single anymore. Your life is not only about you anymore. You can have all the priories and don't want to give up, so does he! If both of you are willing to work out your differences and compromise, that's the right attitude. We live as individuals, but we have to constantly think that our life is not just about us, it is not just about me. It is about others, it is about him. When we think more for others, and make others happy, we tend to create fewer problems for ourselves. It is very dangerous to have an attitude: this is me, I only want to do what I like, others have to cooperate with me, they have to make me happy, but I don't need to be considerate of others. It is very dangerous to have this kind of thinking. 

I personally think sharing a bedroom can create a lot of intimacy for both husband and wife. Not just sharing a bedroom, go to bed together too! Time before falling asleep is the best time to play with each other. " I love you!" sounds extremely sexy and intimate when you fall asleep in each other's arms!


----------



## steak (May 6, 2011)

I don't get why her fiancé would even want to share a bedroom with her if she doesn't want to. 

What joy would there be in knowing that the woman doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you and are only doing it to make you happy?

If I were to get married, I wouldn't share bedroom either. Not because I wouldn't like it, but because I know women don't like it. And I respect that.


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Hi Painter.

On the original thread subject all im going to write is, PLEASE seriously think about whehter you should get married and why you want to get married. Marriage is about 2 people merging their lives together, is this something you truely want to do?

On another note, i would advise to spend a lot of time on this board. If not posting then reading. Read all the different sections from the good stories to the bad.

I have found this site so helpful i would never have believed it before! 

When i first found the site i did not have any real problems with my relationship, i was just wondering when men in general starting to think about marriage. I have been reading here for months and just by reading about other peoples stories, how they interact with their spouses, how they solve problems etc has really helped me. I find that i understand a lot more about my bf's point of view. We hardly argue as i feel we communicate more effectively. 

Yes, there are people on here that i whole heartedly disagree with on nearly everything they post, but seeing different points of view helps to put things into perspective.

Think about it and good luck!


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have have some non traditional ideas about what a marriage is. While you may think tradition is a bunch of old fashioned nonsense, it's clear your boyfriend does not. Your marriage will not work unless you two have a clear agreement on the definition of marriage as it relates to the two of you.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

steak said:


> I don't get why her fiancé would even want to share a bedroom with her if she doesn't want to.
> 
> What joy would there be in knowing that the woman doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as you and are only doing it to make you happy?
> 
> If I were to get married, I wouldn't share bedroom either. Not because I wouldn't like it, but because I know women don't like it. And I respect that.


Because she didn't bother mentioning it until her friend pointed out that it might be kind of important! I would have been shocked and appalled if my fiance had dropped a bomb on me like this. this sounds like a potential dealbreaker. If having your own bedroom is so important to you, you should probably find a guy who feel the same way. Spontaneous physical contact, sex, cuddling, all that stuff is extremely important to most guys, and starting your marriage out in separate rooms is going to be detrimental to that!


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Her fiance is willing to compromise by finding a place with a studio, so that she can have her alone time. She sounds very spoiled and bossy. Obviously, she does not understand what compromise is.


----------



## nader (May 4, 2011)

if this 'alone time' you speak of is so important to you, God help you if you ever decide to have kids!


----------



## steak (May 6, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> Her fiance is willing to compromise by finding a place with a studio, so that she can have her alone time. She sounds very spoiled and bossy. Obviously, she does not understand what compromise is.


If I was in his position I wouldn't even bother to try and make any compromise at all. Why would any man like sharing a bed with a woman who doesn't really want to do it? It takes away the whole point.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

nader said:


> if this 'alone time' you speak of is so important to you, God help you if you ever decide to have kids!


LOL - I haven't been alone from 92 to 2001 and now since 2008! You are SO right!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

nader said:


> if this 'alone time' you speak of is so important to you, God help you if you ever decide to have kids!


You didn't know she's already decided they don't want kids? 
Fiance doesn't know it either.
LOL


----------



## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

very interesting. I'm newly married and my husband snores, it's impossible to use the ear plugs because I won't hear the alarm.
I find myself sleeping on the couch a lot, or him moving there if we go out and he drinks.
He does the nose strips and that helps occasionally.
I have to say, being married for 3 years it's an annoying issue and I do understand your perspective completely. I also don't agree that you should do it because those are "his needs". BUT you have to find some kind of compromise. 
Maybe sleeping together on the weekends and 2 nights a week? Then see how things progress. Most of the time I don't like sleeping alone. I always think maybe I should crawl back in to bed with him. there is something comforting in it.
Please know I make more money than my husband, I don't cook, I only clean on the weekends, he does everything else, I handle ALL the money etc.. so I am not a "conventional" woman (By that I mean a 50's one!)

Just keep in mind what people said here, and what I am saying.. there is a certain intimacy that is lost. Compromise about everything and things will be fine. There will be times when he will have to compromise with you- like here. But sleeping together, esp. when newly married is pretty "standard" so asking him to give that up totally may not be a good solution.

Good luck


----------



## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Oh and NO TV in the bedroom EVER!


----------



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

River1977 said:


> You didn't know she's already decided they don't want kids?
> Fiance doesn't know it either.
> LOL


Childfreedom should be a decision made by the couple, not one spouse.  It is like the marriage has to be only on her terms. The guy is passive and wimpy, which is probably fine by her, considering how controlling she is.


----------

