# Found email sent 2 days before wedding...



## Jollyroger1 (Mar 23, 2013)

My wife and I just met in January, fell in love and married in March...fast, I know! We have both been married before and she comes from a past abusive relationship. I have cheated in past relationships but seeking counseling to stop my behavior, I don't like it. I love my wife with every ounce in my soul. We eloped just 2 weeks ago to Lake Tahoe and I honestly could not have been happier. Until 2 days ago. 

When my wife and I met, she had been in contact with a married man. They were not having an affair but there was definitly an attraction and she admits that. I had asked her to cease all communication with him but he was persistent and she would occasionally reply to his emails/texts. She was open about this to me. I in fact, told her I didn't want to pursue our relationship until she had explored her feelings for this other guy, even though he was married because I did not want it to to be an unanswered question in the back of her head...she reassured me she did not want to and that she loved me. 

Well, 2 days ago, I found an email that was dated just 2 days before our wedding. We had got in a spat that night and she sent him an email stating she missed talking to him, missed him and missed wondering when she would see him again. (she moved from Ohio to Washington to be with me). Needless to say, I was crushed and am still crushed. She has apologized and professes her love for me to the ends. 

I do trust that she would not cheat on me, so I am trying my hardest to rebuild that trust. She has blocked him from facebook, changed her phone number and deleted her email account. However, she has also changed the passcode on her phone. I don't have one on my phone and have been a 100% open book to her about EVERYTHING. So, my question is: Should I demand she give me access to her emails, telephone, facebook etc? Or is that out of control/over boundary jealousy? I don't even want her to know I tried to check her phone. I am trying to be a better man, do the right thing but I found myself, for no reason whatsoever, putting a passcode lock on my phone as well. To me, this is not a healthy way to reestablish trust in this relationship....someone HELP!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If she isn't willing to give up her boyfriend/back-up plan/inappropriate friend, then your marriage is in trouble. Having experienced the trouble that comes from infidelity, you know this. I think it's time that you really have a talk with her and discuss why she is holding on to this potential affair partner on the side. As she comes from an abusive relationship, it is possible that this is some kind of safety valve for her, but it doesn't help your marriage. 

Would she be willing to go to counseling with you? I think it's time for you guys to try that before things get out of control. YOu guys should also read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (I think that's her name), together. 

For a marriage to work, both people have to be all in and both of you should consider your spouse to be the number one priority. She should value your relationship more than that of an inappropriate friend. I think it's fair that you demand she stop talking to this man. I think you should continue to monitor their friendship to see if it goes beyond just "I miss you" because that's dangerous talk for a friendship, especially if it coincides with turmoil between the two of you.

You should have a heart to heart with her about the OM. If she doesn't agree to dump his friendship after you have explained to her why it is a problem for you and the marriage you are both building, then you convince her to go to MC with you and read that book and try again. This does not bode well for your marriage that she is continuing to hold on to this guy and you have to communicate this with her, gently and firmly.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Let his wife know what's been going on .. That should cool them down
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jollyroger1 (Mar 23, 2013)

I have thought about contacting him and or his wife to let him know he needs to stop contacting her. I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do though. I'm not one to blame the "other" person for that, my wife should be strong enough and smart enough to terminate it herself. If she doesn't then I'm screwed. Still pondering that one though. 

We are in counseling. I insisted on it and she actually volunteered and made the phone calls herself to see a therapist about her past. So that is at least showing me she wants to change, wants to heal and is invested in our relationship.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

She cut off all means of contact except her cellphone which means she really didn't cut off all means of contact.

Given the circumstances her blocking your access to her phone is not only unacceptable it's very suspicious.

Time for the VAR under the car seat.

Hope for the best, expect the worst.

Marrying a person you've known only a couple of months is not only foolish, it's a recipe for disaster.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Quite honestly if this was a marriage with time, blood, sweat, & tears, invested in it I'd counsel you to get evidence of the affair and break it so you could reconcile with her.

You've known her 3 months and been married just a few weeks at most.

Annul/divorce this thing and move on, this is supposed to be your honeymoon stage and she's already screwing around with some other guy?

I wouldn't bother getting any more evidence.

GTFO.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

Jollyroger1 said:


> - She has apologized and professes her love for me to the ends.
> - She has blocked him from facebook, changed her phone number and deleted her email account.
> - she actually volunteered and made the phone calls herself to see a therapist about her past.
> - showing me she wants to change, wants to heal and is invested in our relationship.


Seems to me that she's trying very hard to prove to you that she's committed to your marriage. Furthermore the e-mail was before the wedding, she might have cold feet, so this should not be a major issue. 



Jollyroger1 said:


> Should I demand she give me access to her emails, telephone, facebook etc? Or is that out of control/over boundary jealousy? I don't even want her to know I tried to check her phone.


Very bad idea, showing that you don't trust her at all. She needs to have some privacy, I think this demand is crossing over the line.

You may want to book a marriage counselor so that you guys can talk about it. This seems to be now your issue, not hers.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

daMan said:


> Seems to me that she's trying very hard to prove to you that she's committed to your marriage. Furthermore the e-mail was before the wedding, she might have cold feet, so this should not be a major issue.
> 
> 
> Very bad idea, showing that you don't trust her at all. She needs to have some privacy, I think this demand is crossing over the line.
> ...


Follow any of this advice and you'll end up financing your wife's future liaisons with her OM while you sit at home watching the kids


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Quite honestly if this was a marriage with time, blood, sweat, & tears, invested in it I'd counsel you to get evidence of the affair and break it so you could reconcile with her.
> 
> You've known her 3 months and been married just a few weeks at most.
> 
> ...


Follow this advice and you may kill a marriage for the wrong reason. 
It's very easy for many people to say screw it when it's not their marriage.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

daMan said:


> Follow this advice and you may kill a marriage for the wrong reason.


They've known each other _less than 3 months._

For all practical purposes it's nothing more than a short term fling.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

totamm said:


> They've known each other _less than 3 months._
> 
> For all practical purposes it's nothing more than a short term fling.


I fully agree with your logic comments above (not like other idiotic criticism). 
However, an email his wife wrote 2 days "before" their wedding doesn't prove that she's cheating on him, and according to his story, she seems to be trying hard to save their marriage, so he should give it a chance. Marriage not 1 strike you're out.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You have three months invested in this.

To require MC at this point 3 weeks at most into your marriage is insane and passes no risk/reward end game I can think of.

GTFO

Just for kicks ask her for her phone & pass code as non chalantly as you can.

Realise what you've gotten yourself into when she refuse for the sake of "privacy".
If you press the issue you"ll find yourself getting the "You're trying ro control me" gambit.

Try it, give it a shot, you can learn whether all your fears are valid or not with one simple little request that any spouse with nothing to hide would grant without a second thought.

My moneys on her refusal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

totamm said:


> They've known each other _less than 3 months._
> 
> For all practical purposes it's nothing more than a short term fling.


Indeed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Jollyroger1 said:


> *I do trust that she would not cheat on me,* so I am trying my hardest to rebuild that trust. She has blocked him from facebook, changed her phone number and deleted her email account. However, she has also changed the passcode on her phone. I don't have one on my phone and have been a 100% open book to her about EVERYTHING. So, my question is: Should I demand she give me access to her emails, telephone, facebook etc? Or is that out of control/over boundary jealousy? I don't even want her to know I tried to check her phone. I am trying to be a better man, do the right thing but I found myself, for no reason whatsoever, putting a passcode lock on my phone as well. To me, this is not a healthy way to reestablish trust in this relationship....someone HELP!


Given both your backgrounds and the length of time you've known one another you shouldn't assume she wouldn't cheat on you. 

You should demand access to her passwords and you should give her yours. 

It is OK to have boundaries in a marriage. Otherwise why get married at all. If this is not okay with you then she should respect that.

You've also got to let her know you're not going to try to control her but she's got to understand that she either in or out of the marriage. You've only been married a month. You could probably get it annulled if need be. You could both admit it was a mistake and move on. Then she could see what a wonderful guy this other man who cheats on his wife really is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

daMan said:


> I fully agree with your logic comments above (not like other idiotic criticism).
> However, an email his wife wrote 2 days "before" their wedding doesn't prove that she's cheating on him, and according to his story, she seems to be trying hard to save their marriage, so he should give it a chance. Marriage not 1 strike you're out.


So what would your advice be besides counseling?

You've already counselled him to relinquish the only measure he has to verify trust so what would you have him do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

daMan said:


> Seems to me that she's trying very hard to prove to you that she's committed to your marriage. Furthermore the e-mail was before the wedding, she might have cold feet, so this should not be a major issue.


She told the ex that she missed him and wanted to see him. Days before her marriage to someone else. That's a heck of a lot more than cold feet. Keeping him locked out of her phone is not 'trying very hard to prove a commitment' its picking and choosing what she wants to share with him. It's placating him so he gets off her back, nothing more. With this sort of thing, it's all or nothing, not "well you can see this but not have access to that". It renders her "apologetic" actions completely meaningless.



daMan said:


> You may want to book a marriage counselor so that you guys can talk about it. This seems to be now your issue, not hers.


Marriage counseling within 3 months of being married?

That just might be a record.

If nothing else it's a rather ominous sign.



daMan said:


> I fully agree with your logic comments above (not like other idiotic criticism).


These types of posts get you in trouble around here, just say'en.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've only known her since the first of this year and are now married to her and have trust issues?

I can tell you from experience that trust, once lost, is difficult to get back. And you are just starting your marriage, not years into it like most of us were when our trust was lost.

Plus, you are getting this from someone you don't even know well and yet are married to? 

I hope you find a really good therapist.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And she contacted him after a "spat"? What happens when you have your first real knock-down drag-out fight?


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Jollyroger1 said:


> So, my question is: Should I demand she give me access to her emails, telephone, facebook etc? Or is that out of control/over boundary jealousy? I don't even want her to know I tried to check her phone. I am trying to be a better man, do the right thing but I found myself, for no reason whatsoever, putting a passcode lock on my phone as well. To me, this is not a healthy way to reestablish trust in this relationship....someone HELP!


Yes you should demand it,if she doesn't have anything to hide then why lock it?With her history and this email you would be crazy not to want her all passwords.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Jollyroger1 said:


> I do trust that she would not cheat on me, so I am trying my hardest to rebuild that trust. She has blocked him from facebook, changed her phone number and deleted her email account. However, she has also changed the passcode on her phone. I don't have one on my phone and have been a 100% open book to her about EVERYTHING. So, my question is: Should I demand she give me access to her emails, telephone, facebook etc? Or is that out of control/over boundary jealousy? I don't even want her to know I tried to check her phone. I am trying to be a better man, do the right thing but I found myself, for no reason whatsoever, putting a passcode lock on my phone as well. To me, this is not a healthy way to reestablish trust in this relationship....someone HELP!


No, you do not trust her, and you shouldn't. 

Yes, you should insist on full transparency, and you should also be respectful not to turn into a secret cop who watches her every move.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I have thought about contacting him and or his wife to let him know he needs to stop contacting her. I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do though. I'm not one to blame the "other" person for that, my wife should be strong enough and smart enough to terminate it herself. If she doesn't then I'm screwed. Still pondering that one though. 


Your right .. I mean why start trouble in someone else marriage .
Why don't you ask your wife what she thinks you should do .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stellafeller (Mar 16, 2013)

****ing wrote an entire reply!! Aghh Ive been through this EXACT Situation. my Gf of 5 years started out sleeping with a whole team of people in her college. WE were dating casually and I was open and said hey if that's what u need to do, go ahead, but for my own safety I have to step back and maybe later we can try this out.

She "chose" me but kept the door open and played me out to be the jealous boyfriend day 1. Like your Girlfriend she is a CAKE EATER. She wants all your love and attention and she also wants that risky unstable sex/lust from this other dude.

SHE IS ONLY SORRY SHE GOT CAUGHT. tRUST ME. Mine did this over and over again. How are u gonna feel when u get into newlywed fights always wondering if she is reaching out to this dirt bag?

My ex did that. I would cut and run, maya angelou said "people always show you who they are early on and if you don't see it, its because u weren't listening" 

Step 2 is now that shes been caught she will be more stealthy, and lie to you relentlessly 

step 3, she will blame u for reaching out to him bc u took her precious freedom away by being a decent man who fell in love with her and expected loyalty back

step 4, an affair

RUN dude! GTFO HUGE RED FLAG. She already showed u she cannot be trusted, she threw you under the bus the second the honeymoonseemed over, hellbefore the actual honeymoon started.

is this the woman u really want to say is your wife and flesh and blood and mother of your kids???


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jolly,

While I would normally advise a married couple to try and work it out, your case is an exception. As pointed out earlier by another poster, you've been married less than a month and she still has contact with other men.

In what universe do you see this as working out? You guys should be all over each other just 3 weeks into the marriage!

Annul it and find someone who wants you and only you


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