# Alone for the first time in a long time



## Amergin (Mar 31, 2011)

Four months ago, my wife and I were sitting and watching TV, when she asked me how I was. She had recently been through a major life event (didn't make it through a training that would have gotten her her dream job), and I'd been trying to be patient to let her talk about it when she was ready. I gave her some perfunctory answer and she replied with the same. Then she said, "We have nothing to talk about, do we?" and then followed that up with, "I'm not happy. I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." The next day, she told me our marriage counselor felt an in-home separation would be a good idea while she tried to focus on what she wanted to do with her life.

I was devestated. I agreed to do the in-home thing, for the sake of the kids and due to finances. It sucked. We were only allowed to talk about the kids and finances, but how could I sit there and not try to engage her in talking about us and what I could do to bring us back together. I was constantly looking for signs of hope, letting myself feel that things were going to get better, then feeling like there was no hope. We had a number of fights related to us, and the last one ended in her telling me she wanted a divorce. I finally let go of all of my resentments and told her that she hadn't even been trying to figure out how to be happy with me again. That's all I needed to be patient and wait, was for her to explicitly tell me she did love me at one time and for the sake of that love, wanted to find it again. She couldn't do it. I had to leave, but for once, she followed me (which has never happened - usually she is the one that leaves and I have to follow). She agreed to work on the marriage and not go through with a divorce.

We finally agreed that me moving out was the best thing for us. So, on July 1st, I moved into a studio apartment. I'll have the kids on Friday nights and all day Saturday. I'll also stay with them at the house on Tuesday-Thursday until she gets home from work.

Here's the real problem. I have no friends. My wife and kids were my social circle. Now, I don't know what to do. I've started going to Church again, and will try to get involved with the Church (Catholic). I've tried attending some Meetup groups, but there's really nothing out there for a separated guy not interested in singles parties. I would love to get involved in intramural/recreational sports, but don't know how to get involved. All of the leagues around here don't really do free agents. I am lonely.

I wonder what she is doing while I am not there. She says there's not someone else, but I wonder. I want to go and stakeout the house to see what she is doing. I know it's not healthy and I haven't done it yet, but I wonder. Going to the house while she is gone is painful. I find little things that remind me that she is moving in her own direction that doesn't involve me. I hate this.

Anyway, I just needed to get this down and out there. Thanks for listening.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Sorry to read about your pain. Been there and doing that (but thankfully I am on the upside of things) I just want to share that it does get better and you won't even give two hoots what she is doing. I am sure it is nothing a good as what's in your mind. Don't go snooping, you will only feel bad about yourself and not get any clarity. Be strong!


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm no expert, but I think in-house separations are absolute B.S. for the reasons you stated and more. It's simply absurd to limit conversation when you NEED to communicate as much as possible. I'd find another counselor.


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

You should move back in immediately. The courts will not be kind to you if you moved out especially with kids. It is the number one mistake men make in these situations. She wanted, she should move out. I went thru a very similar thing as you in March except we had no kids. In June we finally got divorced. I really feel for you, but you need to protect yourself in this situation.

BTW, do not stakeout the house. You will either find out nothing or you will find something that will piss you off. Either result will not help.

Good luck. Go to the librarynand check out this book "fifteen mistakes men make when going thru divorce or separation." it really provided me with a lot of insight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amergin (Mar 31, 2011)

We have talked divorce. For the sake of the kids, we want it to be amicable. She feels guilty for doing this to me. I feel guilty for all of the ways I messed up the marriage (cheated on her with porn, online chat rooms, adult bookstores, and finally an anonymous encounter that gave us both crabs - yes, I am a sex addict, and have been working the steps for the last 8 years as a result of hitting the bottom). So, that mutual guilt and our desire for a divorce to not be what we both see every day in our jobs will keep us working together if that's the route we go. Which, if I let my brain win, is what I believe we'll end up with. My heart wants to believe that we will reconcile. 

Thanks for the responses, though. Due to our situation, it was better for me to move out. She is the primary caregiver and her parents live right down the street. Made sense for her to stay at the house.

I miss her every day. I think about her all of the time. I don't know where it will end up. I just wish it never got to this point. For now, I need to focus on me and being healthy, which means getting out and being social. The big question is, how do I do that?!!!


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

How I wish no one would go through this! Boards like this can provide some support. Just don't spy on her, it will make you crazy and serves no purpose. Some Catholic churches have groups for the divorced and separated. It helped my co-worker greatly and she is now a lecturer and at peace.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Just want to check how you were coming along. Keep us posted,


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## Amergin (Mar 31, 2011)

No progress to report on. I took her out on her birthday. Tried to go in without any expectations. I didn't do so well. The evening was fine, but I guess I had this hope that she would remember how good we could be together. She thanked me for a nice evening and that was it. Originally, when I moved out, we had agreed that Saturday nights would be for us to go out and attempt to reconnect. I tried taking her out for dinner and a movie last weekend. When the movie was over, she got in her car and drove away. I am getting no sign of affection from her at all anymore. My therapist wants me to focus on moving on. Not so easy to do. The reality, though, is she has given up on us. She just hasn't filed for divorce yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

If there is anything left in her, turn up the silent treatment and watch her come to her senses. If not you will be in a much better spot at the end of things. Get your power back. Women are attracted to strength and aloofness. I hope you are having a wonderful weekend.


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## Amergin (Mar 31, 2011)

Thanks for the advice, hesnothappy. It's tough to give her the silent treatment. I have to see her three to four nights per week, since I watch the kids until she gets off work at 10:30PM. It's just in passing, but tough to remain amicable and not talk. I had to talk to her today because I had to take the youngest to Urgent Care. At least she didn't berate me for not paying close attention to him (he sprained his foot). I am trying to let go, but it is hard. I shouldn't hear from her tomorrow or Monday. I know I won't call her. I pray, though, that she will come to her senses someday.


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## mayatatia (Jul 3, 2011)

Well my husband left almost a week ago, but I don't feel as you do, because I have accepted that this is better than the marriage we had. Perhaps she feels the same way. You mentioned errors you have done during the marriage. We all commit errors, some errors are more damaging than others. The fact that she went out with you may indicate that she still has hope (or feels sorry for you). Perhaps, she (like i did for many years) is waiting for a life change within yourself. One that you make because you are tired of being the way you are, and not because you want to save your marriage. I finally lost that hope in my marriage. I don't care to save the marriage anymore. But she has agreed to date you weekly, indicating that she hasn't totally given up as I did. So get help for yourself and not just to save your marriage. If you become a happier person, and have better coping and communication skills, this can greatly improve interpersonal relationships. If you can not find inner happiness, forgive yourself for past errors, or learn to open up, this will spill over into many areas of your life. Please keep us posted. We are all here to help, listen, and learn. P.S. I don't agree with the silent treatment. You can't try to manipulate the situation or play games. It serves no purpose, unless she is abusive to you when you communicate it is better to talk honestly.


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## NotaGoodSlave (Jul 29, 2011)

You are being set up.
You are yet another "sensitive" male fool who is about to get cleaned out in divorce court - and you are taking no actions to protect your financial interests. Your future will consist of being yet another alimoney paying, child support paying, broke divorced loser male.

You should not have rejected the prudent advice from Andy32M.

Stop with the boo hoo hoo attitude and undstand that when all is said and done a Contract of Marriage is about money - and you are about to have very little.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

On the snooping thing: My H cheated and I checked his email and chats. Guess what. It proved what I already suspected. What did it do for me? It gave me anxiety attacks beyond belief. To prove your suspicions proves nothing, but it brings a greater pain than anything else. I have taken the higher road and changed myself and stopped that behavior because it does nothing positive for me. It only satisfies the negative and don't we have enough being separated?

They are going to do what they are going to do whether you snoop or not. Give yourself a break and decide that you have absolutely no control over another persons actions. Say it to yourself many times a day and eventually, at least for myself, I am stronger and don't feel that need to justify their unfavorable behavior. I still get the urge when things seem really bad, but I get out of the house so that I cannot easily get access to a computer.

I wish you the best, but protect yourself, in every aspect.


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