# On and Off Relationships



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

What are the reasons? Besides good sex and the comfort?
I’ve never had a person that I wanted to be together, break up and repeat unless the sex was better than the others, but I see some of my friends and they say for them it’s a cycle that they can’t explain.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

We did this before we got married. For us, it probably had more to do with maturity seeing as we started dating at 16yrs old. Didn't know how to handle fights. Still finding ourselves. We always went back because we loved each other. I started to realize even the worst times together were better than the best times being alone. During the good times single, I missed her and missed sharing my life with her. During the bad times single, I was downright miserable without her.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I dated someone right out of high school for 6 months. Started college, couldn't see each other as much. You know how it goes, broke up. 3 years later we got together again, this time in a much more serious relationship. (almost married him) We were on and off mostly because I kept giving him second, and third chances to change certain behaviors and I was young and naive and thought he'd change. He didn't. Finally decided I had one life to live and didn't want to deal with his possessiveness and abuse any longer so I didn't give him the 4th chance. 

Now, I wouldn't give 2nd chances after a break up. Nope, doesn't matter how good the sex was, once I'm done, I'm done.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I can’t understand the when your young situation but it seems people in their late 40’s into the 50’s are in the same situation.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> I can’t understand the when your young situation but it seems people in their late 40’s into the 50’s are in the same situation.


Being in your 40s and 50s doesn't mean you're mature or know a damn thing about how to make a relationship work.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

You have a point!
So, how many times should a couple be off and on to know that hey we should make it permanent and stop this back and forth?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> I can’t understand the when your young situation but it seems people in their late 40’s into the 50’s are in the same situation.


This is totally an opinion and I have nothing to back it up, but based on conversations with many friends, coworkers, etc. I think people in their 40's and up assume there is nobody else out there so when they stay together it's because they have decided they'd rather be with the wrong person than alone. 

Me personally, I'd rather be alone. But I do understand it. I left my husband in January and at times I am very lonely. He seems to have gotten our friends in the divorce. I don't see my kids as often, partly because of our living arrangements and partly because they are teenagers. I need to find some new friends but how do you do that at age 51?? Leaving my husband has left me almost entirely alone in a way I wasn't expecting. Some people just can't be alone.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

So I guess the couple that’s does just continues to break Up, make up, repeat forever?
I myself would finally it make take awhile but get to a point and say screw it- I’m happier by myself.
I get lonely too but the off and on would wear me down mentally.

Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to have that security of someone but if something is amiss in our relationship, being apart for 6 months then returning means the problem is still there.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> You have a point!
> So, how many times should a couple be off and on to know that hey we should make it permanent and stop this back and forth?


Both need to commit one way or the other. Either stay apart or stay together. A conversation needs to be had, and some serious soul searching needs to take place. A lot of personal growth needs to happen. Together during the good times, apart during the bad times means both parties in the relationship are incredibly immature by my estimation. When times get tough, if your first insticts are to run away, you're never going to be marriage material as an individual.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Think of a number of gears turning and meshing.

You have a set number of gears, your lover has their number.

One partner may have a different number, this causes problems right from the get-go. The single gear not having a mating set will make the clockwork unbalanced, unsettled.

For the partnership to work, most of the gears must mesh, they must readily turn with each other, not against.

When most gears work together, mesh together, you have compatibility.

The sex gears may mesh, mash well, um!

If the others do not, the clockwork will protest and eventually grind to a halt.

Yes, I was an Engineer.





[THM]- THRD


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when we reach our 40's 50's we all have baggage...no one escape that...in fact if you ever meet someone who say they have no baggage then they are the baggage, and you should run immediately. here is the thing......the older we get, narrower the scope of of what we would say "no" or "unacceptable" too in our youth diminishes ...and we will accept things maybe out of comfort, maybe out not wanting to be alone, maybe because what we see else where is no better. and this is not just for single people but for some married couples as well. I am not suggesting for a second its bad, it is what it is. So maybe right now you settle for good sex and comfort until you don't, the key is for you to know when you don't, and then move on and not look back.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I chalk it up to self-awareness and logistics. If you are of an age where you simply aren't considering marriage either because you are young, or you have been there done that, I can understand 'floating' with a partner who isn't suitable enough to want to lock down and build something with, but isn't irritating enough to never ever want to see again.

I think some of it comes from fear ... "What if I'm lonely? What if I can't meet anyone else?"

And some of it is just convenience. Better the devil you know then the devil you don't. 

My ex-wife and her AP were together for just over 4 years. They must have broken up at least 18 times. I knew it wasn't going to last. It simply wasn't meant to. I was surprised they went as long as they did. She remained single for about 2 years after that relationship ended. She dated one person after that. Moved in with him after 6 months. They have been together for over 6 years and are getting married next month. 

My spouse dated her partner previous to me for over 2 years. They never were on again off again, it was just a matter of how much they were 'on'. She made it clear to him that they did not have a long term future together. But he stuck around hoping to sell the idea. Eventually, she decided she had enough of what didn't work, and cut him loose. We met about a year later.


As for me, I had a really simple rule, "I don't chase." I was perfectly cool being single. I was cool with whatever when I was dating, as I most certainly was not in search of 'the one'. I only had one instance of bounce back with a woman I saw for 6 to 8 months ... primarily because she did pull the plug, and then came back to me about a year later for support after she got really hurt by another guy. She knew I was 'safe', which I was perfectly fine with. I understood the terrain I was on, and she was a good person that needed some emotional Bactine ... and sex. On the whole, for me, I wouldn't do the "on again, off again" in hopes of putting a round peg into a square hole. I'd just go look for a new peg. I had/have a high opinion of myself as a partner, and if I'm not working for you, then why waste one another's time?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Both need to commit one way or the other.


Why?

Do we have knowledge that it does not work for them?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> When times get tough, if your first insticts are to run away, you're never going to be marriage material as an individual.


Used to say all of the time after my marriage came undone; I have no interest in a runner, I want a fighter. And I agree with the post about baggage if you are post marriage and post 30's. 

My ex did a lot of work after we came apart, she flat out told me as much and acknowledged her willingness to cut and run rather than dig in, get uncomfortable and fix it. Guess my point here is, you need to be ABLE to learn from your mistakes and certainly not keep repeating them.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> Why?
> 
> Do we have knowledge that it does not work for them?


That was an answer to the question asked. If it works for some people, fine. If it worked for OP, she wouldn't be asking the questions as to why people do this.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> That was an answer to the question asked. If it works for some people, fine. If it worked for OP, she wouldn't be asking the questions as to why people do this.


It's a problem for the OP that other people do this? I mean, to be in an on and off relationship requires 2 participants.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> It's a problem for the OP that other people do this? I mean, to be in an on and off relationship requires 2 participants.


She asked a question and I gave an answer based on how I feel about it. What's it to you what answer I give based on how I personally feel about it? Add a little more sweetner into your coffee tomorrow morning.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

We have family friends my parents age that have married each other three times. And divorced each other three times. The first time they supposedly divorced to lower the expected family contribution for college and remarried when the kids graduated. Then divorced again soon after and remarried again a few years later. They finally divorced for good and eventually married other people and are seemingly happy in their new (15+ years) marriages. Crazy. 

I remember as a kid thinking that the husband was wildly charming and handsome. Apparently others thought so too because the last two divorces were infidelity related. Why she went back I don’t know.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> She asked a question and I gave an answer based on how I feel about it. What's it to you what answer I give based on how I personally feel about it? Add a little more sweetner into your coffee tomorrow morning.


Just wondering. I find it weird.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

NobodySpecial said:


> Just wondering. I find it weird.


She gave a freudian slip in case you didn't notice.

"So, how many times should a couple be off and on to know that hey *we* should make it permanent and stop this back and forth?" 

I assume she is talking about her own on and off again relationship. Judging by her questions, I also assume she is reaching the point of wanting to commit one way or the other. Either together or apart. Seems like good sex and familiarity is no longer working to keep the status quo as it stands.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is this about the FWB and his gf and you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have never been in an on and off relationship and I wouldn't be interested in one.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded- no actually it’s another guy that I recently started chatting with that was telling me about his last relationship. I cannot wrap my head around why this happens. I never texted or called my FWB to see what he meant. I stated my boundaries and left it at that.

I’m just not having any luck it seems in the dating dept.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> @Openminded- no actually it’s another guy that I recently started chatting with that was telling me about his last relationship. I cannot wrap my head around why this happens. I never texted or called my FWB to see what he meant. I stated my boundaries and left it at that.
> 
> I’m just not having any luck it seems in the dating dept.


Your FWB will likely check again at some point (and probably continue checking periodically) to see if you've changed your mind. As to dating, just take your time (and don't complain to him about it when he resurfaces since that encourages him to think you'll accept being FWB again).


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded- yes it was my fault that I opened that door. Proud that I stuck to my guns. If he resurfaced again the same still goes- I don’t do sloppy seconds. Not someone’s second choice.

I think I’m going to take a break though from online. It’s exhausting lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> @Openminded- yes it was my fault that I opened that door. Proud that I stuck to my guns. If he resurfaced again the same still goes- I don’t do sloppy seconds. Not someone’s second choice.
> 
> I think I’m going to take a break though from online. It’s exhausting lol


Good decision.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> You have a point!
> So, how many times should a couple be off and on to know that hey we should make it permanent and stop this back and forth?


Once. Provided that the reasons they broke up in the first place are either no longer there or have been resolved.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Sue4473 said:


> @Openminded- yes it was my fault that I opened that door. Proud that I stuck to my guns. If he resurfaced again the same still goes- I don’t do sloppy seconds. Not someone’s second choice.
> 
> I think I’m going to take a break though from online. It’s exhausting lol


Does anyone ever just meet like at a church or club or some other social gathering like a well adjusted normal human being anymore? 

Who thinks typing your way into a lasting relationship is a good idea? What is the draw here? I don't get it. 

Have you ever thought of joining clubs and taking classes and such? What do you like to do for fun? Outdoors stuff? Reading? Exercising? Painting? Learning a new language? What do you do that you enjoy for a hobby? Why not just do that, but join some clubs and meet people that way? Start from a place of interest with other people sharing that interest, and hopefully single men as well. Get to know people that way, while doing something you already enjoy doing so there's no pressure on creating some profile of yourself. Somewhere where you are just being yourself naturally and enjoying life the way you want to enjoy it. If you see a single guy there who catches your eye, turn on the hotness for him. Either way, youre doing something you love. If you catch a great guy in the process, that's two birds right there. 

Is it just the ease of online dating? I'll tell you right now, nothing worth a **** comes easy in life. Why anyone expects dating and finding the right one to be any different is beyond me.

Staying closed off and scrolling profiles seems like a lazy approach to me. Put yourself out there while doing things you love and want to do anyway.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Hate generalising, but more often than not, an on and off relationship can be the same as stringing someone along.
The power dynamic is never equal, especially at the beginning, so one person will decide when it’s ‘off’, and when it’s ‘on’.
It is very unlikely that this arrangement will seem like the ‘perfect’ arrangement for both people. To one of them, it will always seem like ‘better than nothing’.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Who thinks typing your way into a lasting relationship is a good idea? What is the draw here? I don't get it.
> 
> . . .
> 
> Staying closed off and scrolling profiles seems like a lazy approach to me. Put yourself out there while doing things you love and want to do anyway.


I can, of course, only speak from my own personal experience. OLD was just one of a few ways to date. I had friends set me up, I am a social person and get out socially. I just wanted to cast a wider net, so to speak. And I'm a busy woman. Gotta multi task!

And I'll be honest. OLD gave me a quick and limited way to judge (yes I said judge) a man's intellect by the way he wrote his profile and ensuing emails/texts. If he couldn't properly punctuate, spell, and form a grammatically correct sentence, NEXT.

I dated for a solid year using OLD, friends setting me up, meeting men IRL. Tons o'fun. And wouldn't you know? I met my now husband (married last October, been together 7 years ) on POF. :smile2:

So for some of us, it's not a lazy approach. There's a method to the madness. I think it's an excellent vetting tool. :grin2:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Does anyone ever just meet like at a church or club or some other social gathering like a well adjusted normal human being anymore?
> 
> Who thinks typing your way into a lasting relationship is a good idea? What is the draw here? I don't get it.
> 
> ...


For me it was the only way I was going to met a Christian guy. In the UK only 5% go to church anyway, most churches aren't that big so the available pool of unattached men is usually, nil. I was involved in a church, there were no available men in their 40's or 50's at all. So reaching out to other Christians via a dating site was more or less the only way to meet a man who shared my faith. My husband only actually lived 40 min's drive away, but we would never have met if we hadn't done so on line. It was the best thing I ever did going onto the dating sites I did. 

I do agree though that getting out there and doing things is a good way to meet people generally, but on line dating is the way that about 9 or10 Christian couples I know met their spouses. 

I think that in the USA far more people go to church so maybe there is more choice.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> For me it was the only way I was going to met a Christian guy. In the UK only 5% go to church anyway, most churches aren't that big so the available pool of unattached men is usually, nil. I was involved in a church, there were no available men in their 40's or 50's at all. So reaching out to other Christians via a dating site was more or less the only way to meet man who shared my faith. My husband only actually lived 40 min's drive away, but we would never have met if we hadn't done so on line. It was the best thing I ever did going onto the dating sites I did.
> 
> I do agree though that getting out there and doing things is a good way to meet people generally, but on line dating is the way that about 9 or10 Christian couples I know met their spouses.
> 
> I think that in the USA far more people go to church so maybe there is more choice.


Fair enough. I guess if you're really into farming, you have to go to farmersonly(dot)com after all. Haha. I do see your point though. For being a younger guy, I'm an old man about a lot of things. "Back in my day, we used to walk 30 miles in the snow to school every morning!" 

Forgive my ignorance.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ive been divorced almost 10 years and never had anything develop from online dating. Now I’m not saying people don’t find true love, as I have friends that met theirs.

I’m just honestly sick of the BS that comes from dating. Yes my needs may be pretty simple but I’m over the FWB’s unless they are willing to keep it exclusive and see each other long term or a companion. 
No more of the being an option, and dealing with men who are always looking for the better option.

I may not be rich or make a lot of money, but I’m cute, take care of my business, and my son and have a very loyal heart.

I’m not in a hurry but it would be nice one day to have that stable security of a companion to know that you can just go out and enjoy the company.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> I can, of course, only speak from my own personal experience. OLD was just one of a few ways to date. I had friends set me up, I am a social person and get out socially. I just wanted to cast a wider net, so to speak. And I'm a busy woman. Gotta multi task!
> 
> And I'll be honest. OLD gave me a quick and limited way to judge (yes I said judge) a man's intellect by the way he wrote his profile and ensuing emails/texts. If he couldn't properly punctuate, spell, and form a grammatically correct sentence, NEXT.
> 
> ...


I'm not a good speller and I never did know when to use a semicolon. I still don't. I don't know if I've ever used one. Guess I go in the OLD trash heap. LMAO.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

UPDATE-
Ok I heard from my friend-
I flat out asked him- are you together or involved with that girl or anyone?
We are on and off.
Then he says so what is that you want?
Sounds like you need something large and sweet.
I reply- well it does no good to me if your mvolved. I don’t share nor cheat. If you were single then sure we be getting down and dirty. 
But not like this.

Got it he replied.
What do you get?
Everything you said

So what did you want I ask
I will tell you another time is what he wrote.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

There seems to be a lot of absolutism in this discussion.

People can be unsure at times of their lives. Doesn't mean they don't respect the person they are with and external factors may be effecting their relationship.

Why not try again if it was external factors not largely personality issues causing issues?

If you are expecting things to change that repeatedly cause issues, then move on.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Because he’s not single.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> Because he’s not single.


Oh - I guess there shouldn't be a question then. Sorry didn't get it.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded-
Got the answer! Lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> @Openminded-
> Got the answer! Lol


Yeah, that was unfortunately predictable.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded- yep! 
I wish him luck in the dysfunctional thing he calls relationship


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sad thing is- this is the case with a lot of men. Whether they are in a relationship or not. This last guy I went on a couple dates with, wanted to hook up on first night. I told him no it was too soon and he ghosted the next day.

My friend is no different- he’s on a break from his girl and wants good sex from someone he knows and it’s good.

When will all this stop? No one wants to give anyone loyalty anymore. Sex is just to scratch an itch no matter if your attached or not. This does leave a bad taste in my mouth. No pun intended


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> Sad thing is- this is the case with a lot of men. Whether they are in a relationship or not. This last guy I went on a couple dates with, wanted to hook up on first night. I told him no it was too soon and he ghosted the next day.
> 
> My friend is no different- he’s on a break from his girl and wants good sex from someone he knows and it’s good.
> 
> When will all this stop? No one wants to give anyone loyalty anymore. Sex is just to scratch an itch no matter if your attached or not. This does leave a bad taste in my mouth. No pun intended


How old are you?

I was in college in the 90s. What you are describing is no different than what was SOP for a lot of people then, decades ago. It's really nothing new!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

"On and off relationships"

Aren't they all? !

Whose on top, tonight? !

Sorry!





[THM]- The Typist I


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I’m 45. 
And I don’t care how long it’s been going on. It’s sad


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not every male is like that but certainly a lot of them are. It's just reality. 

Your FWB is apparently in an on/off cycle with his gf. He will likely continue to check in to see if you've changed your mind. He doesn't sound like the type who believes no means no which means you'll have to keep reminding him what your boundaries are. Or block him.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded-
How do I block his number via text?
I’ve tried with others and I stlll got a text.
Yea lot of them I have encountered.
But it’s the fact that he’s pretty much cheating on her.
Be ON and stay ON
It would be a different story if he wasn’t.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sue, I have an android. Go into the actual text convo and choose "customize" and then choose the notifications menu and turn off notifications. 

There ARE good men out there. I promise. I'll admit, it's a sea of douches, though. Hang in there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I have an iPhone. If you do too, this should work. 

Select his message. 

Go into the text box. 

Select "Information" at the top of the screen (may be hidden so tap at the top to bring it up). 

Select the number. 

Select "Block this Caller".


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Thanks all!
I have an IPhone and did the block caller. I guess he realized he was blocked and ended up sending me a message on messenger. We aren’t friends on Facebook, but I think when we dated years ago- I sent him a message on that and I guess we are still connected. Ugh
Anywoo, I basically told him I will not be involved with you until you are completely done with your present on and off relationship. Let her massage your balls and figure out what to do. That ain’t my problem no more. Then I didn’t wait for a response I just deleted the chat.

Sigh-


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sue4473 said:


> Thanks all!
> I have an IPhone and did the block caller. I guess he realized he was blocked and ended up sending me a message on messenger. We aren’t friends on Facebook, but I think when we dated years ago- I sent him a message on that and I guess we are still connected. Ugh
> Anywoo, I basically told him I will not be involved with you until you are completely done with your present on and off relationship. Let her massage your balls and figure out what to do. That ain’t my problem no more. Then I didn’t wait for a response I just deleted the chat.
> 
> Sigh-


Why was there an "until" in your message to him?

Why not just be done forever?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He hasn't indicated in the years since you dated that he's interested in anything more than as a FWB, right? Why would you think he'd change his mind?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

We did in 2015 and it didn’t work and we fell into an exclusive FWB. 
I guess if I could have that again, I would maybe be ok with It
I’m not saying that I’m waiting but if hes not happy and I’m not having any luck what’s to say we couldn’t talk. But trust is important to me and he and I would have to be honest about everything


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It appears to me that your only value to him is as a FWB. If you want more than that -- and you're currently looking to date other men so presumably you want a relationship -- then you'll likely have to look elsewhere.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

@Openminded- honestly I go back and forth on what I want.
Like my independence, but tired of the dating scene and would like someone I trust and feel comfortable with. And sex is important to me as I didn’t have much of a sex life before marriage.
To experiment and explore etc.
So not sure anymore lol
So I can’t have that with him as I like to be exclusive when I sleep with someone. I know I’m crazy but just putting it out there.


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