# Found inappropriate texts from coworker on wifes phone.



## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.

Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.

Today I don’t know what came over me but my wife stepped outside for a few and I peeked in her phone and found texts from this guy that were completely out of line. She didn’t seem to engage his passes but she also didn’t tell him to stop. Conversation went as follows:


There were texts above this I didn’t read, this is where I started;

Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).

Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday 

Her: haha oh I’m sure you are.

Following day;

Her: so that company that makes a really good japanese ginger sauce I showed you also makes a really good yum yum sauce.

Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k

Her: haha lol. Yessss it’s so good!

Him: Wyd? U alone?

Her: I’m at home. I had to run to the office and now I’m back. I had to start making calls in about 10 minutes.

Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!

Her: lol oh my lord no.
Her: Mike and Aaron might still be there FYI

Him: **** them. I wanna see you k!
Him: been thinking about running my hand across that fat ass since I talked to you yesterday.

Her: I am not driving back up there. Lol omg. You are ridiculous.
——————

My heart literally dropped through my chest when reading this and I put the phone down and went to lay down. My wife was planning to treat me to a sexy outfit tonight and when she came back inside my mood completely changed and I became unresponsive while I collected myself. She began to cry because she though she did something and I tried to convince her I was just exhausted from being outside all day. I never ever turn her down so she probably thinks something is up with me.

I really need help, I’m completely stuck. I can’t tell her I went through her phone. I don’t know how else I can confront her or if I should at all. Now I don’t trust this guy at all, and worried he’s going to continue to try weaseling his way between me and my wife.

please help


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

I know it must be shocking to read these texts. As a younger woman, I faced this type of talk often (no texting then). Your wife does not seem to encourage him, and she seems to find excuses to avoid him or shut him down. This is how I would have handled it at the time, though back then we were not encouraged to do anything but play along and not let it advance. To me, this sounds more like sexual harassment. I could be wrong. Maybe you start a conversation about harassment - maybe there was an incident in your work you could bring up. See how she reacts and figure out what to do from there.

Of course, this is very out of context, so you have to look at her behavior in general toward you. Has it changed at all? You must have had a reason for going in her phone!


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

At the very least, this guy is a dog, sniffing around your wife. It is troubling that she isn't firmly stating her boundaries and shutting it down.

Were it my wife, I'd ask her about this guy and his actions, without mentioning the texts. If she doesn't mention the inappropriate texts, I'd assume that she is enjoying the attention and I'd start investigating if there isn't more to this.

If she mentions his inappropriate behavior, I'd ask her what firm actions she has taken to shut it down. According to her answer, I'd either give her examples on how to shut this detritus down for good or shut up and investigate further. Either way, this guy has to be shut down for sniffing around your wife, but if your wife is a willing participant, depending on the depth of her participation, she needs to have appropriate consequences too.

At the very least your wife needs to be taught how to communicate firm boundaries. Let's hope that's all.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He is definitely being inappropriate, but she is not exactly going along with it. Do you know which guy it is? I mean you can't really do anything unless you're ready to confess reading her phone. Once you confess that you could even contact her boss tell him to make it stop or contact that guy.

I mean she told him he was ridiculous. That's not exactly something you tell a guy unless you want them to lose their boner. 

I think you better just confess to her and that will probably lead to a fight of some sort but this isn't something necessarily want to ignore and you need an explanation. So it sounds like you know quite a bit about this guy already and I'm assuming that would be because she told you all these things about him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.
> 
> Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.
> 
> ...


I'd just bite the bullet and talk to her about it. I'm not sure why you looked but you did and she shouldn't be playing around with a skirt chaser like this.

I guess you were suspicious?

She is enjoying it even if she isn't fully engaging. She is enjoying being chased


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.
> 
> Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.
> 
> ...


Stop being afraid of your wife and tell her you saw the text and that is why you were not into it because of it. Tell her it has left you with doubts.

YOUR (WIFE) NEED TO FEEL AFRAID not you. That is you best chance. Hopefully she will wake up to what's happening.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why shouldn't you be free to look through her phone? Unless the conversation is a close relative or a friend sharing private information, it shouldn't be a problem. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and view her text and call data. Mouth shut. Eyes and ears open. Do not confront until you get a handle on this. 
*She’s married to you but by not shutting this down she is engaging with him.* This is how emotional and sexual affairs start. 
Find out if he’s married and send his messages to your phone. If he is married send his messages to his wife.
It’ll take some detective work. 
Right now you are in shock never thing you wife would ever be letting something like this go on. Never do anything in a panic. 
What you must do is shut this thing down hard. Your wife needs to know this is not acceptable at all but if you don’t nail him good he won’t stop. Your words may not get you much but your actions will.
Never accept the unacceptable.
Try and stay cool and collected. Does your wife guard her phone?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He is definitely being inappropriate, but she is not exactly going along with it. Do you know which guy it is? I mean you can't really do anything unless you're ready to confess reading her phone. Once you confess that you could even contact her boss tell him to make it stop or contact that guy.
> 
> I mean she told him he was ridiculous. That's not exactly something you tell a guy unless you want them to lose their boner.
> 
> I think you better just confess to her and that will probably lead to a fight of some sort but this isn't something necessarily want to ignore and you need an explanation. So it sounds like you know quite a bit about this guy already and I'm assuming that would be because she told you all these things about him.


Shes married. This isn’t some normal flirting. He’s pushing pretty hard and her not shutting this down means she is engaging.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> There were texts above this I didn’t read, this is where I started;
> 
> Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).
> 
> ...


Highly inappropriate at the least. I can understand your feelings. If the shoe was on the other foot would she be ok with it?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cynthia said:


> Why shouldn't you be free to look through her phone? Unless the conversation is a close relative or a friend sharing private information, it shouldn't be a problem.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I don’t know of many married women who would think this is ok. He’s pushing hard. It’s not just some random flirting. He needs to shut this down hard with some consequences. I doubt if just talking to his wife is gonna fix this. It’s words or talk versus actions. Its his wife his marriage. This is totally unacceptable.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Shes married. This isn’t some normal flirting. He’s pushing pretty hard and her not shutting this down means she is engaging.


When you're dealing with someone from work you never know when they may be in a precarious political situation. Women have had to deal with sexual harassment at the workplace a lot and they're the ones who suffer from it. Very often there is retaliation if you put your foot down. 

It's all definitely inappropriate, no question, but he needs to find out from her the whole story. It sounds like she's already told him a lot about this guy and other workmates. Maybe he does this to literally every woman at work. Guys who are like that very often do. He needs to come clean and see what she says about it. 

It can be very much a good old boys club at work that can work to the detriment of women there. We do not know that's the case here but he's got to find that out. Apparently she's already told him he's a boisterous drunk.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When you're dealing with someone from work you never know when they may be in a precarious political situation. Women have had to deal with sexual harassment at the workplace a lot and they're the ones who suffer from it. Very often there is retaliation if you put your foot down.
> 
> It's all definitely inappropriate, no question, but he needs to find out from her the whole story. It sounds like she's already told him a lot about this guy and other workmates. Maybe he does this to literally every woman at work. Guys who are like that very often do. He needs to come clean and see what she says about it.
> 
> It can be very much a good old boys club at work that can work to the detriment of women there. We do not know that's the case here but he's got to find that out. Apparently she's already told him he's a boisterous drunk.


There is no excuse for some guy telling his wife he wants to rub her ass and she’s still engaging him. 
We had a supervisor where I worked a few years back engaging in a very similar circumstance and he was escorted out of the plant and terminated the day it was turned in.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

For heaven's sake talk to your wife about it. 

Those texts from that guy were way out of line to send to a married woman.

I like the idea of sending them to his wife... you'll have some work to do there to see if he's married. Your wife should know, ask her when you read her the riot act.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.
> 
> Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.
> 
> ...


It’s your wife you should be pissed at not the guy. She is the one that married you not him. She could have shut it down any time she wanted to.

About the phone messages, just say you had a gut feeling something was up so you looked at her messages and found the ones with this guy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SnowToArmPits said:


> For heaven's sake talk to your wife about it.
> 
> Those texts from that guy were way out of line to send to a married woman.
> 
> I like the idea of sending them to his wife... you'll have some work to do there to see if he's married. Your wife should know, ask her when you read her the riot act.


Years ago my wife was picking up my lunch while I was working. On her way back a cop asked her if she needed a ride and tried to get her in his cruiser. She told me about it immediately.
I called the police department and turned him in. I also informed them if I didn’t see action they would be reading about it in the local newspapers. They did a full investigation and found out this wasn’t the only incident. He was put on suspension and his wife ended up divorcing him. I knew someone in his neighborhood.
Consequences are a good thing. Actions are much better than words or talk.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> It’s your wife you should be pissed at not the guy. She is the one that married you not him. She could have shut it down any time she wanted to.
> 
> About the phone messages, just say you had a gut feeling something was up so you looked at her messages and found the ones with this guy.


All true but I’d bet this guy won’t stop even if he talks to his wife. I know the type. He needs to double up on both sides of this fence.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Think longterm*. It’s sounds like this isn’t something new. You aren’t going to be comfortable with having this guy around your wife. *This is sexual harassment on his part *even if your wife didn’t stop it. Print off his messages go to his superiors and demand his termination. I’d tell them he goes or they will be talking to your attorney. *It’s time for you to be bold. *If not you’ll always wonder. This will also set a tone for your marriage. 
Your wife needs to know this is unacceptable and you aren’t going to put up with it.
If you don’t you are accepting it and your life will be worse off for it.
If your wife deleted the texts do a deleted text recovery. Use his texts against him.
The supervisor we fired was based on his text messages. It doesn’t matter what your wife wants. It’s your marriage too.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

LMFAO, OMG, let is explain how this goes....."omg, I am totally playing these dudes. I would never sleep with any of them. I am just trying to keep my job". 

truth, she is enjoying the attention. Give it a couple days, she will have a "lapse in judgement". Your call here. Either give her the boot while in the early stages, or wait for the next one. 

I am BETTING on my second option. In that case, tell her never to do that again, she will say yes, and all will be good for another couple yrs. When the next matter arrives, do NOT check in here. It is what we call a broken record, and just go file, lose half of everything to a loser, and remember what I said.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> My heart literally dropped through my chest when reading this and I put the phone down and went to lay down. My wife was planning to treat me to a sexy outfit tonight and when she came back inside my mood completely changed and I became unresponsive while I collected myself.* She began to cry because she though she did something and I tried to convince her I was just exhausted from being outside all day. I never ever turn her down so she probably thinks something is up with me.
> 
> She did do something. Her inaction and acceptance is putting her marriage in jeapordy by allowing another man in it.*
> 
> ...


She is allowing another man to make inappropriate suggestions to her and you’re afraid to make her mad? Do you matter or not?
Bud, you need to wake up. What you’re saying is it’s ok and looking at her phone is forbidden. There should be no secrets in a marriage like this. Cmon!
I hope you wake up to reality. If not and this keeps up you may get woken up.
This is how affairs start. Is this the kind of marriage you want?
It may help you to read ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.
She’s put the ball in your court.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.


From my rule book: Trust, but verify.



OSUguy85 said:


> Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.


He is like this in the office as well?



OSUguy85 said:


> Today I don’t know what came over me but my wife stepped outside for a few and I peeked in her phone and found texts from this guy that were completely out of line. She didn’t seem to engage his passes but she also didn’t tell him to stop.


You most likely noticed something and it bugged you enough to check your wife's phone. No need to feel guilty in this regard.

Husband and Wife - both should have access to each other phones to ensure open communication and no secrets are kept (open book).



OSUguy85 said:


> Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).


Your wife set the tone for 'flirtation' with this opening statement. She might be trying to be funny (in her mind) but a flirtatious man would feel encouraged while responding to this statement.

_"I do miss the office"_ would be a better choice of words instead. Relatively neutral.



OSUguy85 said:


> Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday
> 
> Her: haha oh I’m sure you are.


His response was 'predictable' in view of how your wife texted initially. Absolutely inappropriate for a coworker by the way.

Your wife's response was 'encouraging' this time.

Why would she say _"haha oh I’m sure you are."_ to a man talking about her @ss like that?

Your wife is 'enjoying' his attention and complements (inappropriate or not).



OSUguy85 said:


> Her: so that company that makes a really good japanese ginger sauce I showed you also makes a really good yum yum sauce.


Your wife continued to FLIRT with this man. More encouraging then before.



OSUguy85 said:


> Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
> Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k
> 
> Her: haha lol. Yessss it’s so good!


His response was 'predictable' yet again. More bold this time.



OSUguy85 said:


> Him: Wyd? U alone?
> 
> Her: I’m at home. I had to run to the office and now I’m back. I had to start making calls in about 10 minutes.
> 
> ...


Your wife mentioned other coworkers instead of putting this man in his place at this stage.

This is not good.

If Mike and Aaron were not there, he could have his way with your wife? This is the impression she gave to him.



OSUguy85 said:


> Him: **** them. I wanna see you k!
> Him: been thinking about running my hand across that fat ass since I talked to you yesterday.
> 
> Her: I am not driving back up there. Lol omg. You are ridiculous.
> ——————


Your wife decided to close this conversation for now but this chapter is far from over.

Your wife is NOT talking to this man like a married woman and a coworker should.



OSUguy85 said:


> My heart literally dropped through my chest when reading this and I put the phone down and went to lay down. My wife was planning to treat me to a sexy outfit tonight and when she came back inside my mood completely changed and I became unresponsive while I collected myself. She began to cry because she though she did something and I tried to convince her I was just exhausted from being outside all day. I never ever turn her down so she probably thinks something is up with me.
> 
> I really need help, I’m completely stuck. I can’t tell her I went through her phone. I don’t know how else I can confront her or if I should at all. Now I don’t trust this guy at all, and worried he’s going to continue to try weaseling his way between me and my wife.
> 
> please help


Why you cannot tell her that you went through her phone? You are her husband, and you can do this.

If you can access her phone again then document these texts in your phone or in a usb drive. This evidence will be helpful when you decide to confront your wife.

You have no choice but to confront your wife on this matter at some point. You need to draw following boundary for your wife:

*NO FLIRTATION with coworkers (men in particular).*

Sooner, the better.

As for the Other Man (OM) - her coworker. He should be reported to the relevant authorities in his office for this nonsense. This should be your NEXT STEP.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This guy is pursuing your wife hard and she likes it. She mentioned that “Mike and Adam are there”. So if they weren’t there, he could cop a feel. You need to get into her phone and do a deeper dive. 
This is the beginning of an EA. You need to get in front of this ASAP or you will be finding her sending pics. It starts slowly but these things escalate quickly.

you’ve been together for 9 years but only got married 3 years ago. Why did it take so long to wife her up? Do you have kids? These lock downs have caused a lot of boredom. A guy coming at your wife hard can make her feel alive. Make sure that you’re still working on your marriage. Something in your gut told you to snoop.

Besides shutting this down hard and not flinching when she throws the controlling card, you need to do a self assessment. You may need to step it up as a man and a husband. Not try to insult you but a wife who’s in love with her husband doesn’t allow other men to talk to her like that. It is women who are lukewarm about their husband that are fertile soil for an interloper take his chance for a taste. Most men are not going to talk to a married women like that unless she’s giving off the vibe that she’s open to it. As you read, she’s open.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Office politics or not, this should have been shut down immediately. It's not difficult. I can't write what my response would be in a similar situation. His texts were way out of line. She didn't even come close to what I would consider shutting him down would look like. 
Tell her, "I am really upset about the texts between you and Buford." Then listen to what she has to say. She'll mention that you went through her messages. So what! Your answer should be, "You're my wife. I can see your phone. Stop changing the subject. As I was saying," then go back to the texts as if she didn't try to deflect. 
You going through her phone is a non issue. Her responses to sexual flirting is the real issue. 
This needs to be shut down immediately. I wouldn't turn him in, since she participated, but I would insist that she text him back and tell him to never speak to her in that manner again. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Moenia90 (7 mo ago)

Hello friend hope you fix this situation take a look how bad my life is right now you don't want that put a stop Fast its your God Damm wife .that's how my wife started telling me how a guy hit on her at work ..even at first they stay loyal but starts to grow in them ..after that you can't stop her..2 choices hard stop her ...or wait be patient put a tracker on her car recording device it's like 20 bucks hide it and hear it later ..you won't stop looking at her phone cause it's killing you stay calm ..I'm going crazy


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Your wife should have shut this guy down a long time ago. Her failure to do so is a tacit agreement to allow it to continue. You must confront your wife. Don't worry about you looking at her phone. Tell her this is extremely inappropriate, unprofessional, and disrespectful to you and the marriage. If the POS is married, his wife must be made aware of his behavior. I would personally have a conversation with the POS to knock it off and if he doesn't you will report him to his supervisor if your wife doesn't do so. Your wife must make it clear to him that there will be no more of this nonsense and that if he does it again, she will report him to personnel. That is what a dedicated wife does in such a situation. 

Your next move should depend on her reaction. If she blows you off and doesn't see your point, you have a serious problem on your hands. Hopefully, that isn't the case.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Can I get a supervisor and/or manager over here?????? Jezus, throw the entire pitch fork at it and get it done! Worst POSSIBLE thing you can do is threaten, then back down. Never make a weak threat. Do it and be done. This sounds like the construction industry. Find another.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Me, if this was my wife, I would ask about the inappropriate texts and why this **** was continuing. Secondly, the gentleman ( I use this term loosely) and I would sit down for a chat letting him know further actions out of his mouth or texts will result in him getting his ass kicked.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She is definitely going along with it and clearly enjoying the attention. A married woman should have shut this down as soon as it started. 
She is playing with fire. 
Does he have a boss who you can report him to?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> I really need help, I’m completely stuck. I can’t tell her I went through her phone. I don’t know how else I can confront her or if I should at all. Now I don’t trust this guy at all, and worried he’s going to continue to try weaseling his way between me and my wife.


Most companies these days have strict rules against what this guy is doing. At the company I worked for, those texts would get him fired on the sport without remedy, no matter whether the female was complicit or not. The policy was zero tolerance.

You had every right to expect looking at your wife's phone would not reveal inappropriate communications. So just lay the cards on the table and ask her WTH is going on. Just because she talks trash about her mom cheating on her dad doesn't mean that she is incapable of straying. 

I personally would be tempted to tell her to forward the texts to her management and the company owner and ask them to take action or she will retain counsel to sue for relief. Believe me, that will put the fear into the company and the offender will be on the bricks so fast it will make his head spin. And, they won't be firing your wife because retaliation is another grounds for a lawsuit. Also, all the other hardtails at work will be on notice that your wife is radioactive. They will leave her strictly alone.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Some additional background information:

I have met this guy a few times over the years at the company Christmas party. Every single year he’s the loud, drunk, obnoxious guy and has no filter on his words regardless of who he speaks to. My wife told me well over a year ago that his wife (or fiancé, not sure) does not like her (my wife) because he texts my wife. At the time I didn’t think much of it, I couldn’t blame her for not trusting her man who acts the way he does.

I almost blew up on my wife last night about it when she asked what was wrong with me but as hard as it was, I kept my mouth shut because I simply want to act as calculated as possible and not out of emotion.

I took screenshots of the the portion of the conversation I shared and have them saved on my email. If I were to report this guy to the employer I’m not sure if there would be any undue consequences on my wife’s job which I do not want to jeopardize.

I can’t honestly answer what drove me to look in the first place other than the opportunity was there and I do know she frequently texts the crew at her work for various reasons. She has always kept her phone relatively close since I’ve known her way before she worked here, but I do the same thing and I have nothing like this to hide so I didn’t think much of it.

I don’t know if there’s a way I can convince her to hand the phone over so I can find these texts in front of her (assuming they’re not deleted) rather than telling her I looked through her phone. Either way it seems there’s going to be trust issues going forward which really sucks.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> If I were to report this guy to the employer I’m not sure if there would be any undue consequences on my wife’s job which I do not want to jeopardize.


The thing is if SHE reports him and sends management the texts they will not fire her because doing so would make them an even bigger target, SHE needs to do it NOT you. That is IF she wants to restore trust.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your wife at no point tried to shut this down. As others have mentioned she enjoyed it.

Your issue isn't with this guy but your wife. This gives you a pretty good idea how your wife handles men that come on to her. 

If it were me, I would send the texts to myself for documented proof. I would also scroll up on her phone to see what else she's been saying to this guy.

Then I would confront my wife. My trust in my wife would be hanging on by a thread. You could certainly go after this guy to make him stop but again my concern would be what about the next guy and the guy after that and after that?

Trust is something that's earned and it's hard to get back when it's destroyed.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Sounds like more going on


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> I have met this guy a few times over the years at the company Christmas party. Every single year he’s the loud, drunk, obnoxious guy and has no filter on his words regardless of who he speaks to. My wife told me well over a year ago that his wife (or fiancé, not sure) does not like her (my wife) because he texts my wife. *At the time I didn’t think much of it,* I couldn’t blame her for not trusting her man who acts the way he does.


This is where you blew it. All you would have had to do was remind your wife that the texts need to be strictly about the job. Now, look where you are.

Tell her you read the texts and that crap stops now. Ask her if she needs you to take care of it or will she be able to act like an adult and put a stop to it. She doesn't give one crap about the guy's SO not liking her because she's getting her kibbles. Major red flag.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Me, if this was my wife, I would ask about the inappropriate texts and why this **** was continuing. Secondly, the gentleman ( I use this term loosely) and I would sit down for a chat letting him know further actions out of his mouth or texts will result in him getting his ass kicked.


This is sexual harassment. He’s not gonna stop. I’d be taking those messages to his boss. 
From what I’ve experienced talking doesn’t get you much. I’d tell the wife it’s my way or the highway.
It’s clear the op is way to passive. He’s afraid to tell his wife what he saw on her phone? 
He’ll either step up and set boundaries for his marriage or get stepped on.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> Some additional background information:
> 
> I have met this guy a few times over the years at the company Christmas party.* Every single year he’s the loud, drunk, obnoxious guy and has no filter on his words regardless of who he speaks to. *



This story very familiar...

A guy I know is just like this guy...I don't see him often, and he's not a drunk, but we occasionally do business and when we do, we often stop and have dinner at a restaurant he likes to go to...He says all that type of stuff to some of the ladies that work there, and what's crazy is, while they often tell him to be quiet, they do it in a playful way and not angrily, and you can see that in some way they like it...It validates them in some way...He has zero chance of taking it to any other level and he knows it, but its crazy to witness it happening and how they react to it...He is a clown, just as your wife characterized this guy...Could this be the same scenario with your wife? Probably...

Either way, it shouldn't be happening...Something tells me she is just messing with him and likes the fact that he is doing this, but it has to stop...She should know better...She probably didn't think you would ever see or hear about it, and she seemed careful take it to an edge but not go over it, so it's no foul as she sees it, I suppose..

Just tell her you snooped her phone....She'll probably get a little angry about that, but so what, let those chips fall.. Shame her over it, make it like you are surprised she needed validation from someone that is so low on the totem pole of life...That would probably sting more than if you just blew up or cried over it...

You can make yourself crazy about this, because quite frankly, if she is one of the type of women that seek or want random validation from men , you will have almost no chance of eliminating it, unless she recognizes her flaw and does some self evaluation and makes changes...You can't realistically police everything she does, so even if she stops texting this guy, it will come out in other form somewhere...A random comment thrown around, whatever...Guys probably see a green light over her head, or at least a yellow, and do what they do...Women with red lights over their head, never get that type of attention, even if they were the hottest woman on the street...

You have my best wishes..


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Your wife at no point tried to shut this down. As others have mentioned she enjoyed it.
> 
> Your issue isn't with this guy but your wife. This gives you a pretty good idea how your wife handles men that come on to her.
> 
> ...


I did scroll up a bit and the texts were mostly work related or no different than the texts she sends to the rest of the crew. The most recent texts however were the ones I just posted.


Marc878 said:


> Go online and view her text and call data.


Is this even possible? I'm pretty sure privacy laws prevent this.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> I don’t know if there’s a way I can convince her to hand the phone over so I can find these texts in front of her (assuming they’re not deleted) rather than telling her I looked through her phone. Either way it seems there’s going to be trust issues going forward which really sucks.


Here is the thing. She was deceiving you by trading inappropriate texts with a man she works with. You looked at her phone ( totally legit IMO between husband and wife ), now you want to be deceptive with her trying to figure out how to confront without acknowledging you looked through her phone. So yes, trust issues actually both ways. Yes it sucks when you don't feel comfortable talking with your wife about something she has done that is tearing you up. And now she knows something is wrong but doesn't know what. Not communicating openly and clearly does a marriage no favors.

For your sake, I hope you will just rip off the bandage, be open and forthright with her, let the chips fall where they will. The truth will out sooner or later. Sooner is always better for any relationship.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> This story very familiar...
> 
> A guy I know is just like this guy...I don't see him often, and he's not a drunk, but we occasionally do business and when we do, we often stop and have dinner at a restaurant he likes to go to...He says all that type of stuff to some of the ladies that work there, and what's crazy is, while they often tell him to be quiet, they do it in a playful way and not angrily, and you can see that in some way they like it...It validates them in some way...He has zero chance of taking it to any other level and he knows it, but its crazy to witness it happening and how they react to it...He is a clown, just as your wife characterized this guy...Could this be the same scenario with your wife? Probably...
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. Your description is pretty accurate, this guy would likely do this to any attractive woman he found himself working with.

I knew the password to her phone because I've seen her enter it sitting next to me in the past. She now uses face ID but you can still enter the passcode if the face ID fails and it still works. She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.

Regarding your last paragraph, she is definitely not one to seek attention. In fact she absolutely hates attention, hates going to get-togethers and out with strangers and avoids being center of attention at all costs - she is very introverted in general. My guess is this guy has probably been saying stuff like this to her for so long she doesn't know how to respond to it and he keeps pushing the envelope. I have no doubt, if the opportunity presented itself this slimeball would make a move on my wife, I think (and hope) she would reject any such advance but this certainly makes me think twice.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

So far I read of a man that is so afraid and insecure of himself that it reeks of a compkete pushover. 

Afraid to tell his wife that he went through her phone? FFS, are you a mouse or a man? Since when it's a no-no to go on your partner's phone? 

I don't agree with the wait and observe theme, I would have gone to her immediately and ask her to explain these shenanigans. She is allowing this dude to disrespect her. She is making a conciencious choice instead of immediately putting the brakes on it.

And here you are sweating, shaking, pitifully wringing your hands wondering what to do. Pathetic. Dude grab your balls, be a man and confront her immediately instead of sulking in a passive-agressive stance, while your wife is wondering what's wrong. 

Your behavior is that of a beta dude, while his in her mind is that of an Alpha dude that goes for what he wants, while you're just there all pissy. Let's see where will that get you in the long run. Time to be a strong, no nonsense man that takes the bull by the horns and takes matters into his own hands immediately, with conviction, without fears and ready to face the situation no matter the outcome. That's how a man does it.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

OSUguy85 said:


> Is this even possible? I'm pretty sure privacy laws prevent this.


If the phone plan is in your name you have every right to look.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

I know for a fact that this guy would likely do this to any attractive woman he found himself working with.

I knew the password to her phone because I've seen her enter it sitting next to me in the past. She now uses face ID but you can still enter the passcode if the face ID fails and it still works. She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.

She is definitely not one to seek attention. In fact she absolutely hates attention, hates going to get-togethers and out with strangers and avoids being center of attention at all costs - she is very introverted in general. My guess is this guy has probably been saying stuff like this to her for so long she doesn't know how to respond to it and he keeps pushing the envelope. I have no doubt, if the opportunity presented itself this slimeball would make a move on my wife, I think (and hope) she would reject any such advance but this certainly makes me think twice.

I really don't want to do anything to jeopardize our marriage as I've never felt happier in my life. My previous marriage ended because of a coworker of my former wife's as well (who I DID confront about it), if it happens again I will be mentally scarred for life and absolutely devastated with permanent trust issues with women. It's not that I am afraid to confront her - I have NO PROBLEM doing that - it's simply that I'm trying not to make the same mistakes that I did in my previous marriage, because confrontation made my former wife distance herself even farther from me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> I did scroll up a bit and the texts were mostly work related or no different than the texts she sends to the rest of the crew. The most recent texts however were the ones I just posted.
> 
> 
> Is this even possible? I'm pretty sure privacy laws prevent this.


You have yourself stuck needlessly.
If her phone is on a shared plan with you there is no privacy law that prevents you from looking over the call and text data on the phone bill. It’s all out there online. Takes 10-15 minutes at the most.
Sorry man but it sounds like you’re looking for excuses to do nothing. 
This is your wife. Standing back and doing nothing while some coworker sexually harasses her says to her and him you’re ok with this behavior.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.


If she does this, IMO that means the marriage is over. A married couple should IMO have no secrets. Others will chime in and claim personal privacy trumps a married couple's right to trust one another. Your wife has broken the trust and to mend it is going to require some behavior changes.

In your shoes, I would want to know where I stand. And if she starts hiding stuff like deleting texts and changing passwords that would tell me all would need to know. And I would tell her up front, I looked and saw and if she changes passwords or deletes stuff to hide from me that is the end and paperwork will be arriving pronto.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> A guy I know is just like this guy...I don't see him often, and he's not a drunk, but we occasionally do business and when we do, we often stop and have dinner at a restaurant he likes to go to...He says all that type of stuff to some of the ladies that work there, and what's crazy is, while they often tell him to be quiet, they do it in a playful way and not angrily, and you can see that in some way they like it...It validates them in some way...He has zero chance of taking it to any other level and he knows it, but its crazy to witness it happening and how they react to it...He is a clown, just as your wife characterized this guy...Could this be the same scenario with your wife? Probably...


So I also used to work with a guy like this. Drunk and completely obnoxious to literally everyone. For women even ones he never met, completely outrageous and inappropriate stuff out of his mouth.

Waitresses in particular…

Anyway so he was a walking toxic garbage dump. He ended up having sex with many women in the workplace. Similar banter to the texts you posted. If the women were not shutting down the obnoxious behavior completely then there was a chance he’d eventually get them between the sheets.

Similarly I saw hot waitresses at a place we went to after work somewhat often invite him to private parties, seriously nutty ones, with cocaine and crazy stuff going down. I’m not sure but I’m guessing he also banged some of those waitresses.

So I would not ignore this or stew about it if I was you, I would handle business.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You have yourself stuck needlessly.
> If her phone is on a shared plan with you there is no privacy law that prevents you from looking over the call and text data on the phone bill. It’s all out there online. Takes 10-15 minutes at the most.
> Sorry man but it sounds like you’re looking for excuses to do nothing.
> This is your wife. Standing back and doing nothing while some coworker sexually harasses her says to her and him you’re ok with this behavior.


You can only see usage details, not actual texts otherwise I'd do this immediately. It just isn't possible. I'm going to do something and soon, I'm simply just taking a day to think and make sure I do this without permanently damaging the marriage, that's it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> Thanks for the advice. Your description is pretty accurate, this guy would likely do this to any attractive woman he found himself working with.
> 
> I knew the password to her phone because I've seen her enter it sitting next to me in the past. She now uses face ID but you can still enter the passcode if the face ID fails and it still works. She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.
> 
> *Regarding your last paragraph, she is definitely not one to seek attention. In fact she absolutely hates attention, hates going to get-togethers and out with strangers and avoids being center of attention at all costs - she is very introverted in general. My guess is this guy has probably been saying stuff like this to her for so long she doesn't know how to respond to it and he keeps pushing the envelope. I have no doubt, if the opportunity presented itself this slimeball would make a move on my wife, I think (and hope) she would reject any such advance but this certainly makes me think twice.*


Her not shutting this down is a problem. There are times in life where you need to step in. This is one of those times. You guess you hope isn’t good enough. You either step up or potentially get stepped on.



> *Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!
> 
> Her: lol oh my lord no.
> Her: Mike and Aaron might still be there FYI*


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> Some additional background information:
> 
> I have met this guy a few times over the years at the company Christmas party. Every single year he’s the loud, drunk, obnoxious guy and has no filter on his words regardless of who he speaks to. *My wife told me well over a year ago that his wife (or fiancé, not sure) does not like her (my wife) because he texts my wife*. At the time I didn’t think much of it, I couldn’t blame her for not trusting her man who acts the way he does.
> 
> ...


You don't know why you went through her phone? Come on, I think your spidey senses have been telling you something was off. Just like that dude's wife knows that something is up with him texting your wife so much. It's his wife not liking your wife that has me concerned. Women are usually better at picking up on things like this than us men.

I'm glad you took screenshots of the text but you need to get in her phone and do a deep dive. That they have been texting for years has me concerned that there's way more stuff to find, including possible pics. Not saying nudes but pics of her in pretty outfits or in poses that show her figure. I would not be surprised if she has not already deleted those text based on your mood. 

You need to stop being scared of your wife. If something is off, you should be able to check on her. It would be the same for her. As a married couple, you should both have access to each other's phones. Women do not like weakness in their men. They can sniff fear a mile away. Not saying to be a douche but this timid approach will only embolden your wife to be more brazen with her disrespect. Be ready for the controlling card because you can bet she will try to use it to shut you down. You must hold firm. She can check your phone. Privacy is for when she's on the toilet, it doesn't apply to her talking to other men .

Check her social media. See if he's a friend and if they communicate on that too. Also check her communication with her friends. She may confide to a friend about this guy. We have so many threads where it was actually finding their spouse confiding with a friend that the betrayed found out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> You can only see usage details, not actual texts otherwise I'd do this immediately. It just isn't possible. I'm going to do something and soon, I'm simply just taking a day to think and make sure I do this without permanently damaging the marriage, that's it.


You can see the amount of usage and times. Is he texting or calling her after work ours? Etc.
Right now you don’t know. 
So I guess this guy sexually harassing your wife and her not shutting it down is not damaging your marriage?
Being timid and afraid doesn’t bode well for your future. Good marriages have boundaries.
Would you do this to other women?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> So far I read of a man that is so afraid and insecure of himself that it reeks of a compkete pushover.
> 
> Afraid to tell his wife that he went through her phone? FFS, are you a mouse or a man? Since when it's a no-no to go on your partner's phone?
> 
> ...


I agree. If you tell her you see the texts she is going to delete texts and change her pass code?

Who wants to stay married to that?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> I knew the password to her phone because I've seen her enter it sitting next to me in the past. She now uses face ID but you can still enter the passcode if the face ID fails and it still works. *She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages,* so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.
> 
> She is definitely not one to seek attention. In fact she absolutely hates attention, hates going to get-togethers and out with strangers and avoids being center of attention at all costs - *she is very introverted in general*. My guess is this guy has probably been saying stuff like this to her for so long she doesn't know how to respond to it and he keeps pushing the envelope. I have no doubt, if the opportunity presented itself this slimeball would make a move on my wife, *I think (and hope) she would reject any such advance but this certainly makes me think twice.*
> 
> I really don't want to do anything to jeopardize our marriage as I've never felt happier in my life. My previous marriage ended because of a coworker of my former wife's as well (who I DID confront about it), if it happens again I will be mentally scarred for life and absolutely devastated with permanent trust issues with women. It's not that I am afraid to confront her - I have NO PROBLEM doing that - it's simply that I'm trying not to make the same mistakes that I did in my previous marriage, because *confrontation made my former wife distance herself even farther from me.*


Get in her phone and add your face. It take about 1 minute to add your face to face id. Did you ever hear opposites attract? Your wife is enjoying this dudes attention. Would she shut him down? It sounds like she may not have because it implied he felt her ass. Instead of shutting him down, she mentions that 2 coworkers are there. WTF?

As for your last marriage, your learned the wrong message. it was your wife being involved with another man that caused the distance not the confrontation. You have enough to confront. You call her to kitchen, sit her down and grab her phone. If she lunges at you for the phone, you hold your ground. Like @Rob_1 said, stop being afraid of your wife. it is that fear, that has your wife hungry for male attention. Like I said earlier, this dude is so bold because your wife has sent out the signal that she's open to his advances. Why even the dudes wife knows that something is not right with the communication with your wife. His wife's reaction, should be seen as a red flag.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> Regarding your last paragraph, she is definitely not one to seek attention. In fact she absolutely hates attention, hates going to get-togethers and out with strangers and avoids being center of attention at all costs - she is very introverted in general. My guess is this guy has probably been saying stuff like this to her for so long she doesn't know how to respond to it and he keeps pushing the envelope. I have no doubt, if the opportunity presented itself this slimeball would make a move on my wife, I think (and hope) she would reject any such advance but this certainly makes me think twice.


I dunno, ,,man,,,,

Neither myself, nor anyone else on here would presume to know her better than you do, but IME. women that are not seeking attention from random men, knock their d!cks in immediately at the first opportunity....They don't "play along" as she is doing...That stuff gets snuffed out at the first indication that its going in that direction...

Look...its very easy for a woman to get validation from men...They don't have to be special in any way(no disrespect to your wife, just a general statement)....If they want an emotional boost, they can get it in these ways...Some women are confident and secure and have no interest in entertaining any of that crap..You can say she is not like that, introverted, blah, blah...but that doesn't explain why she is playing along with this guy, and in fact is contrary to your characterization of her..

"not knowing how to respond to it" is BS, in my opinion......In fact, I would almost partially accept that answer(even though it would still be horrendously inappropriate and unacceptable) that if this guy was her boss...Sounds like he has no control over anything and in no position of power.. She had every opportunity to shut him down, but didn't...

Im not here to tell you that you are a putz or a doormat, just want to give you some insight...If you don't like this behavior, then you will have to confront her about it...Even though I think its outside of your comfort zone...She could change after this, if you are fortunate and she realizes entertaining some dope that tells her that her ass is sexy, isn't worth losing you over it, but you have to make that clear that its what's going to happen...Period..


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He’s a clown and probably does this to all the women is BS. 
There is nothing right about this scenario. At all.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

bricks said:


> I know it must be shocking to read these texts. As a younger woman, I faced this type of talk often (no texting then). Your wife does not seem to encourage him, and she seems to find excuses to avoid him or shut him down. This is how I would have handled it at the time, though back then we were not encouraged to do anything but play along and not let it advance. To me, this sounds more like sexual harassment. I could be wrong. Maybe you start a conversation about harassment - maybe there was an incident in your work you could bring up. See how she reacts and figure out what to do from there.
> 
> Of course, this is very out of context, so you have to look at her behavior in general toward you. Has it changed at all? You must have had a reason for going in her phone!


Her behavior towards me has not changed in the slightest. I would honestly have had no clue any of this was going on otherwise.

I may try to get my hands on her phone one more time today to see if there’s anything deeper in the text history and whether there is or isn’t I prefer to confront her with her own phone rather than pictures of her texts.

I’m anticipating she will relentlessly apologize and cry and say she’s really sorry and nothing is going on. At which point we will need to permanently address why she handled it the way she did and how we’re handling it from this point forward.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> Thanks for the advice. Your description is pretty accurate, this guy would likely do this to any attractive woman he found himself working with.
> 
> I knew the password to her phone because I've seen her enter it sitting next to me in the past. She now uses face ID but you can still enter the passcode if the face ID fails and it still works. She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.
> 
> Regarding your last paragraph, she is definitely not one to seek attention. In fact she absolutely hates attention, hates going to get-togethers and out with strangers and avoids being center of attention at all costs - she is very introverted in general. My guess is this guy has probably been saying stuff like this to her for so long she doesn't know how to respond to it and he keeps pushing the envelope. I have no doubt, if the opportunity presented itself this slimeball would make a move on my wife, I think (and hope) she would reject any such advance but this certainly makes me think twice.


And yet she is clearly receptive to this guy's sophomoric sexual attention...

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO he needs to be addressed with his superiors. They will still be working together. I would not do half measures.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> Her behavior towards me has not changed in the slightest. I would honestly have had no clue any of this was going on otherwise.
> 
> I may try to get my hands on her phone one more time today to see if there’s anything deeper in the text history and whether there is or isn’t I prefer to confront her with her own phone rather than pictures of her texts.
> 
> I’m anticipating she will relentlessly apologize and cry and say she’s really sorry and nothing is going on. At which point we will need to permanently address why she handled it the way she did and how we’re handling it from this point forward.


Permanently addressing this would include the sharing of passcodes for phones. But you seem utterly frightened to try to bring this up. Why?

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

OSUguy85 said:


> Her behavior towards me has not changed in the slightest. I would honestly have had no clue any of this was going on otherwise.
> 
> I may try to get my hands on her phone one more time today to see if there’s anything deeper in the text history and whether there is or isn’t I prefer to confront her with her own phone rather than pictures of her texts.
> 
> I’m anticipating she will relentlessly apologize and cry and say she’s really sorry and nothing is going on. At which point we will need to permanently address why she handled it the way she did and how we’re handling it from this point forward.


Enough is Enough you do not need anymore information. The orignal texts you saw are considered work place sexual harrasment. Call the guy and tell him the screw off and stop this nonsense. Inform his fiance' and wreck his world. Confront you wife and ask is this what she wants no wonder the fiance does not like her. The fiance may have read his texts like you did. No matter what this is inappropriate and you are concerend she let this go on and never shut it down. What was she thinking, how was this going to play out. Own this and stop this. You have the power and he can loose his job if you want to push the issue.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> Her behavior towards me has not changed in the slightest. I would honestly have had no clue any of this was going on otherwise.
> 
> I may try to get my hands on her phone one more time today to see if there’s anything deeper in the text history and whether there is or isn’t I prefer to confront her with her own phone rather than pictures of her texts.
> 
> I’m anticipating she will relentlessly apologize and cry and say she’s really sorry and nothing is going on. At which point we will need to permanently address why she handled it the way she did and how we’re handling it from this point forward.


You need to be strong and direct about access to her phone moving forward, IMO. Spouses shouldn't hide texts or other communication from one another. After you discuss these very inappropriate texts with her, it should be clear that you both maintain access to each others phones and she should not be deleting any texts so you can't see them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP, send the guy a picture of you in a bikini.😋

Tell him your wife isn't interested but you might be.😈


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’re worried about damaging the marriage. 
SHE should be worried about how banging this guy is damaging your marriage, and considering how the guy is telling her he’s ready to slap her ass, apparently he’s done it before.

you’re worried about how confronting her will damage you and give you trust issues with women in the future:
Your problem is that you fear losing a woman.
I once did the same. Never ends well. A confident man doesn’t worry about losing his woman—- she worries about losing him.

My suggestion: Thermonuclear response.
1 pack up your wives crap in some garbage bags and tell her she needs to go get her ass living with Jody at work and not to come back.
Yes, I know you can’t kick her out. But you can show her you’re willing to put her down the road. SHE will be on the defensive. SHE will be wondering what you know. SHE can start explaining.

In case she starts getting defensive, lying, angry, or anything else that shows she’s not willing to be contrite, get all this crap taken care of (and that means going to the boss or whatever or YOU will) then you end the marriage (because you don’t really have one).

pussyfooting around, worrying about what your wife thinks, being unwilling to stand up to wretched behavior from your wife, not having a true blowout involving action with your wife—- you might as well just prepare yo be cuckolded.

Those messages didn’t sound like a guy chasing. It sounds like a guy wanting more of what he’s already had to me. Either way, I’d see an attorney about how to fix this guy’s wagon at work and get him fired, because I would not allow a guy like that to ever work with my wife again.

You’ve got to stop being scared your wife is going to leave you, abd


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

sideways said:


> Your wife at no point tried to shut this down. As others have mentioned she enjoyed it.
> 
> Your issue isn't with this guy but your wife. This gives you a pretty good idea how your wife handles men that come on to her.
> 
> ...


OP, you are probably going to learn there is more going on.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@OSUguy85 you are fearful of repeating the experience with your previous wife. So how exactly did that progress? Maybe your response then got you where you ended up. Are you doing now what you did then? Acting based on fear rarely does anything but makes us more miserable longer.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Fear is your biggest enemy at the moment...Fear not!


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

You don’t even need to tell your wife you went thru her phone.

Just tell her you know for a fact that this guy is flirting with her and she isn’t stopping him and that she hasn’t told you.

if she knows what he is like and doesn’t Like it, why is she still initiating texts with him?

Also, she may be an introvert but she met you right? Introverts hook up also.
Introverts flirt inappropriately.

just confront- tell her you looked thru her phone or not.
Only reason not to confront is that you want to gather evidence and see if it has gone farther


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> There is no excuse for some guy telling his wife he wants to rub her ass and she’s still engaging him.
> We had a supervisor where I worked a few years back engaging in a very similar circumstance and he was escorted out of the plant and terminated the day it was turned in.


I was just thinking could she possibly like a guy who called her ass fat. Usually that answer is no.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Telling someone they have a fat ass is a compliment now.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

OSUguy85 said:


> .
> She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.


 Other than when you go to the bathroom, their should be no expectation of privacy between spouses. I know all of my wife’s passwords and she knows all of mine. This was not done because of cheating, but because why not. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Add to this the fact that your wife is at the very least allowing another man to disrespect you and your marriage, and she loses any perceived expectation of privacy that she held.

Ask for her phone and see if she has already deleted the texts. If not, read the texts out loud. If she gets angry, you get angrier back at her. If she tries to turn it into a conversation about privacy, you tell that you will not allow her to change the topic of her cheating, and will discuss her misconceived notion of privacy later. Go back to the texts. Ask her why she felt the need to tell him other people where at the office when he asked her to meet him at the office so that he could feel her ass.

Continue along this path. Do not back down. Then take her phone and go for a drive so that you can fully inspect her phone and take screenshots of other inappropriate texts and see if there are suspicious photos. She is already let it go too far, she does not have the right to be mad at you. She is the one with an inappropriate relationship with a man that clearly wants a sexual relationship with her.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> Some additional background information:
> 
> I have met this guy a few times over the years at the company Christmas party. Every single year he’s the loud, drunk, obnoxious guy and has no filter on his words regardless of who he speaks to. My wife told me well over a year ago that his wife (or fiancé, not sure) does not like her (my wife) because he texts my wife. At the time I didn’t think much of it, I couldn’t blame her for not trusting her man who acts the way he does.
> 
> ...


@OSUguy85 you only have two option:

Option 1: Confront her with what you have and tell her that you had a gut feeling and looked into her phone, ask her to hand in her phone right there and then, if she doesn't, you got your answer, she is liking it and wants it to continue!
Option 2: Hide your phone somewhere safe (shut it down), act like you looking for it to make an important call, ask her if it's ok to use her phone, 
If she says no, ask why, and if there is something she is hiding.
If she says yes, but started to go into her phone (attempt to delete, go to another room or says give me 5 minutes) ask her what is she doing, and why she is acting off, and if she is hiding and deleting stuff! 
If she says yes, and gives you the phone, after 5 min come back with the text (if not deleted) and confront her, however, if the texts were deleted, then you know there is a crack in your relationship and this guy is starting to slide in, you can confront with your screenshots or you can keep your mouth shut and eyes open!

It's your call at the end on which path you want to take!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She’s


Marc878 said:


> There is no excuse for some guy telling his wife he wants to rub her ass and she’s still engaging him.
> We had a supervisor where I worked a few years back engaging in a very similar circumstance and he was escorted out of the plant and terminated the day it was turned in.


That’s nice but not the norm.

Allegations of sexual harassment can ruin a woman’s career. She is viewed as a troublemaker at work, no matter how wildly inappropriate the man’s actions were. There are always assumptions, like you see in these responses, that a man wouldn’t say things like that if she hadn’t signaled it was ok. The whole thing will always be only her fault; the only possible exception is if she is well known, the man is new and a man witnesses the behavior and is satisfied that she rejected him. She’s young. Accusing this guy, especially if he’s established or a supervisor, will render her unhirable. They may do something to him, but the next time she’s 10 mins late to work they’ll fire her.

I would tell her you saw the texts and you want to know what’s going on. I think you will learn everything you need to know if you confront her, her face will tell you everything. I hope she is just intimidated and doesn’t know how to handle it instead of it being more. Until you ask, you won’t know.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

I get it, I understand everyone advocating for the hard-ass approach and putting my foot down and kick her out. It’s a lot simpler to simply say that over the internet than to actually tear apart everything we’ve built our lives around so fast. There’s a lot of other things aside from her that I don’t want to risk losing and I’d rather not go into detail.

best case scenario after being confronted - nothing actually happened between them (though I may never know), and she never even thinks about playing along with advances like this again.

worst case…unfortunately I’ll lose her and probably a lot of more and be miserable, hate women, and be in a really dark place for a long time.

I plan to confront her today


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Good luck. The ideal would be that she knows it’s wrong but doesn’t know how to handle it. I hope she’s relieved you saw the texts and asks for your help getting rid of him.

I’ve only had one time when a guy at work got out of hand. He started texting too much and about personal stuff, then he called me one evening “just to talk.” I was your wife’s age, but more confident (he was a contractor and younger than me) and I told him I was in a relationship and it was inappropriate. I immediately told my husband. The next time he called, I handed the phone to my husband and he, um, encouraged him not to call me again.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

OSUguy85 said:


> worst case…unfortunately I’ll lose her and probably a lot of more and be miserable, hate women, and be in a really dark place for a long time.
> 
> I plan to confront her today


 Worst case you do nothing and you end up losing her anyway. By the way, when you confront her, tell her that if she changes any passwords, that will speak volumes about her lack of good intentions.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She’s
> 
> That’s nice but not the norm.
> 
> ...


Not from what I’ve seen, experienced. Companies have cracked down because of lawsuits.
Most larger companies have once a year classes on this very subject.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree with all you’ve said. We aren’t emotionally involved in this. 


OSUguy85 said:


> I get it, I understand everyone advocating for the hard-ass approach and putting my foot down and kick her out. It’s a lot simpler to simply say that over the internet than to actually tear apart everything we’ve built our lives around so fast. There’s a lot of other things aside from her that I don’t want to risk losing and I’d rather not go into detail.
> 
> best case scenario after being confronted - nothing actually happened between them (though I may never know), and she never even thinks about playing along with advances like this again.
> 
> ...


Glad you’re choosing to confront.
I just want to add that you have to be willing to lose her over this because:
1. If not she will sense it and walk over you
2. She will sense it and take things underground
3) she sense it and will get defensive and see 1 or 2 or both

I hope you will make it concrete at the conclusion of this that you will have her phone password, and that Jody is ratted out or she changes jobs, and that if either of those things aren’t satisfied, she can move out. Because if nothing changes—- your marriage is burnt toast. Wishing you the best.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I was just thinking could she possibly like a guy who called her ass fat. Usually that answer is no.


It’s seems this behavioral is ok with you but that doesn’t make it the norm.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you have a job?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> I get it, I understand everyone advocating for the hard-ass approach and putting my foot down and kick her out. It’s a lot simpler to simply say that over the internet than to actually tear apart everything we’ve built our lives around so fast. There’s a lot of other things aside from her that I don’t want to risk losing and I’d rather not go into detail.
> 
> best case scenario after being confronted - nothing actually happened between them (though I may never know), and she never even thinks about playing along with advances like this again.
> 
> ...


I’m not saying divorce her over this. Its more of a protecting your marriage. There are times in life you need to step up. You seem to be afraid of her. Yet it’s obvious this is weighing heavily on your mind. It should.
A rugsweep won’t get you much. If you don’t put your foot down and set some boundaries/expectations you could get more.
Being a marriage warden is a thankless job.
Are you ok with her continuing to work close with this ass?
If you don’t fix this now you get to live with it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> It’s seems this behavioral is ok with you but that doesn’t make it the norm.


I don't know where you're getting that. Maybe you should reread my posts.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't know where you're getting that. Maybe you should reread my posts.


I did. I don’t believe in excuses for this type of behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> I did.


Then it sounds like you're projecting something into them.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Then it sounds like you're projecting something into them.


Not from what I see.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Not from what I see.


Well then my friend Mark we will just have to agree we don't get each other's points. I'm fine with that. It really shouldn't be surprising when a man and woman have different perspectives on something.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not from what I’ve seen, experienced. Companies have cracked down because of lawsuits.
> Most larger companies have once a year classes on this very subject.


I’ve been a woman in a male-dominated workplace. You’re seeing it from your perspective and me from mine. I’m explaining that it’s different from this side. Yes, women can sue, they can cause all kinds of trouble and companies will bend to it. Then the woman is essentially “marked” as a troublemaker. There are consequences. If you’re a genuinely good employee who had someone come after you, instead of one of those lazy, pierced up blue haired loons looking for a payday, they will get rid of you. I wouldn’t report someone no matter how bad their behavior is because I know the consequences. Women have to be very careful with their careers. All women are judged by the worst of us.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’ve been a woman in a male-dominated workplace. You’re seeing it from your perspective and me from mine. I’m explaining that it’s different from this side. Yes, women can sue, they can cause all kinds of trouble and companies will bend to it. Then the woman is essentially “marked” as a troublemaker. There are consequences. If you’re a genuinely good employee who had someone come after you, instead of one of those lazy, pierced up blue haired loons looking for a payday, they will get rid of you. I wouldn’t report someone no matter how bad their behavior is because I know the consequences. Women have to be very careful with their careers. All women are judged by the worst of us.


Nope, I’m seeing it from a companies perspective. I was a controller and plant manager for Ingersoll Rand and Trane. They not only frowned and educated on this behavior but acted on it too.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Nope, I’m seeing it from a companies perspective. I was a controller and plant manager for Ingersoll Rand and Trane. They not only frowned and educated on this behavior but acted on it too.


That’s all fine. The woman who makes the accusation is thereafter regarded with suspicion and is believed to be a hysterical, over sensitive crazy person.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s all fine. The woman who makes the accusation is thereafter regarded with suspicion and is believed to be a hysterical, over sensitive crazy person.


From what I saw the supervisors text messages were irrefutable evidence. They acted quickly and the lady was not treated any differently. It was eerily similar to this situation.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> Some additional background information:
> 
> I have met this guy a few times over the years at the company Christmas party. Every single year he’s the loud, drunk, obnoxious guy and has no filter on his words regardless of who he speaks to. My wife told me well over a year ago that his wife (or fiancé, not sure) does not like her (my wife) because he texts my wife. At the time I didn’t think much of it, I couldn’t blame her for not trusting her man who acts the way he does.
> 
> ...


Do you know if he's good friends with the boss? Because obviously the boss has been tolerating this behavior if it's that obvious, so it seems to me like they may be buddies and that yes it probably would jeopardize your wife's career. It's rarely ever the sexually harassing man at work who suffers most when they are reported.

If his own wife knowing hasn't stopped him from doing it, then probably nothing will short of blocking him.

If you have his text address now, you could write him a message yourself and tell him you seen how he talks to your wife and that it needs to stop now. But I kind of think you need to talk to your wife about it before that because she's the one who could have possible repercussions from it. Sexual harassment still goes on all the time in the workplace without anyone intervening. I am still working but at home for one of the places. This guy who contracted with my boss from time to time would come in and just totally sexually harass the women there. He followed one around everywhere she went. He talked about his sexual exploits loudly so that the whole office could hear. My boss decided he was harmless. When I had a talk with him about it and reminded him that he was no doubt doing this in a public forum while representing his company, he did take it a little more seriously and eventually phased him out. He wasn't buddies with him or anything but that's where you run into problems, when the owner or management is buddies with someone doing this and is going to take their side and punish the one complaining over time and get rid of them.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> From what I saw the supervisors text messages were irrefutable evidence. They acted quickly and the lady was not treated any differently. It was eerily similar to this situation.


That’s wonderful and worlds better than any experience I’ve known about. If someone else reports the actions it’s different. I wonder if that lady would agree she wasn’t treated differently.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Well I acted like I couldn’t find my phone and needed to call someone and she offered hers right up. Stepped into the garage after dialing the person and made the conversation quick, and low and behold the texts were still there from Wednesday. 

She walked right out as I was browsing them and I immediately asked if she had something she needs to tell me. She glanced at the screen and her demeanor immediately changed as she remarked “oh its ****ing scott” as if I should understand that’s just how he is.

I became aggressive (not physically) and was questioning her relentlessly. She broke down in tears and said she’s asked him to stop numerous times, to which I replied it sure as hell doesn’t seem that way, show me.

she offered to immediately call another male coworker to verify this has been going on and she’s asked him to stop, then she offered to call this scumbag on the spot and ask him to never speak to her again. I told her she needs to show it to the owner because it a sexual harassment and he needs to be immediately fired. I told her I didn’t want this scumbag around her ever again.

She started to panic at the possibility our marriage is in jeopardy and even swore on her families life nothing has ever happened and she would call whoever at work she needed to in order to confirm this. It seemed genuine, I’ve never heard her utter those words in 9 years of knowing her. 

She was upset I didn’t believe her and I asked her how could I? Currently she went to the bathroom and is in there presumably on her phone. I stepped out of the house because I’m trying really hard to keep my cool before I blow my f***ing top off, heart is pounding, adrenaline going, I need to walk it off.

Not sure where this is going from here currently…


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> I get it, I understand everyone advocating for the hard-ass approach and putting my foot down and kick her out.


Nah. All I said was talk to her.

"Everyone" is giving you some variation of advice though the consensus is that the texts are highly inappropriate and harassing.

I believe your wife might be enjoying the chase a little (I don't think that's harmless but nothing too serious), while others suspect your wife might be up to a lot more (a theory I don't support given the available information) and a couple of ladies brought up a good point about her possibly not knowing how to shut unwanted attention down.( I think this might be a possibility but you do need to talk to her about what is going on and why she is behaving as she is.)

You need to let her answer for her behavior without feeding her ideas BTW.

She's obviously not pursuing the idiot but does need to shut this crap down.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s wonderful and worlds better than any experience I’ve known about. If someone else reports the actions it’s different. I wonder if that lady would agree she wasn’t treated differently.


If you’re ok with it why does it matter?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> Well I acted like I couldn’t find my phone and needed to call someone and she offered hers right up. Stepped into the garage after dialing the person and made the conversation quick, and low and behold the texts were still there from Wednesday.
> 
> She walked right out as I was browsing them and I immediately asked if she had something she needs to tell me. She glanced at the screen and her demeanor immediately changed as she remarked “oh its ****ing scott” as if I should understand that’s just how he is.
> 
> ...


Sounds pretty straight forward.

She should have strong evidence with the texts and the word of others.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> If you’re ok with it why does it matter?


If the woman was treated differently?

I’m trying to explain why a woman would be afraid to report someone. There’s a belief on here that the only explanation is that the woman is “asking for it.” That is something we hear a LOT. It’s a different perspective than “he’s texting her because she’s cheating.”


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> Well I acted like I couldn’t find my phone and needed to call someone and she offered hers right up. Stepped into the garage after dialing the person and made the conversation quick, and low and behold the texts were still there from Wednesday.
> 
> She walked right out as I was browsing them and I immediately asked if she had something she needs to tell me. She glanced at the screen and her demeanor immediately changed as she remarked “oh its ****ing scott” as if I should understand that’s just how he is.
> *no excuse for this behavioral.*
> ...


You are on the right path. If she tries to make excuses to not to anything to this scumbag don’t accept it. It is sexual harassment. If not you will have him in your marriage if she has to continually work with him. Fix this now or live with it later. Hopefully she’s not doing damage control and deleting his text messages. If she does you have another problem.
Some only have regrets at getting caught. His text messages are important. Get them now!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If the woman was treated differently?
> 
> I’m trying to explain why a woman would be afraid to report someone. There’s a belief on here that the only explanation is that the woman is “asking for it.” That is something we hear a LOT. It’s a different perspective than “he’s texting her because she’s cheating.”


Nope, I’ve never had that point of view.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You are on the right path. If she tries to make excuses to not to anything to this scumbag don’t accept it. It is sexual harassment. If not you will have him in your marriage if she has to continually to work with him. Fix this now or live with it later. Hopefully she’s not doing damage control and deleting his text messages. If she does you have another problem.


there were no other messages other than some work related texts directly above that. Looks like she did a delete a couple months ago since thats convo started.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

And now one of her male coworkers text me this:

Hello *. This is ** with *****, your wife’s coworker. She asked me to reach out to you to let you know that she reported to me the highly inappropriate text messages *** sent her. She's quite upset about the entire situation and is worried she might never regain your trust. I know it isn't my place, but for as long as I've known her. she has never demonstrated any behavior that would lead me to believe she was anything but faithful to you and your marriage. Not to make excuses for ***, but he's a flirty guy who went way too far in this instance. I'm going to talk with him and he will be reprimanded. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I know what you must be thinking, but I hope you'll give **** a chance to talk with you and work this out.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> there were no other messages other than some work related texts directly above that. Looks like she did a delete a couple months ago since thats convo started.


Bud, his current messages are enough. If you don’t protect your marriage now you will get to live with them working together. Better finish it now than have this **** in your marriage.
Finish what you’ve started. You need those messages.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

That's exactly what you were supposed to do from the get go. Nothing of that being afraid crap. If she takes it the wrong way, then you have your answer, and what you have never was on sure grounds.

Very few here were advocating that there was more to it. It was mostly about your being afraid and lack of confidence.

I still can't understand why you're afraid to let your wife know that you perused through her phone. Why?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> And now one of her male coworkers text me this:
> 
> Hello *. This is *_ with ****_, your wife’s coworker. She asked me to reach out to you to let you know that she reported to me the highly inappropriate text messages _ sent her. She's quite upset about the entire situation and is worried she might never regain your trust. I know it isn't my place, but for as long as I've known her. she has never demonstrated any behavior that would lead me to believe she was anything but faithful to you and your marriage. Not to make excuses for _, but he's a flirty guy who went way too far in this instance. I'm going to talk with him and he will be reprimanded. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I know what you must be thinking, but I hope you'll give **** a chance to talk with you and work this out.


Too bad he didn't reprimand the idiot earlier?

Did it really take this confrontation to reprimand the slime?

What kind of outfit does she work for?

It sounds like the boss wasn't aware of how bad it was?

Glad you are getting it sorted however.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

And then another message from my wife that I’d rather not share word for word, but basically saying he has done this to her and another female coworker and they didn’t take it seriously and laughed it off when she should have been firm.

She then goes on being pretty sincere that she would Never do anything to hurt me and once again swears on her families life nothing has happened and begging me to believe her, saying she would never do anything to ruin what we have and goes on talking about how much she loves me and she can’t lose me or live without me.
——-
it’s hard sharing this because of all the emotions at the moment. I need to process everything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> That's exactly what you were supposed to do from the get go. Nothing of that being afraid crap. If she takes it the wrong way, then you have your answer, and what you have never was on sure grounds.
> 
> Very few here were advocating that there was more to it. It was mostly about your being afraid and lack of confidence.
> 
> I still can't understand why you're afraid to let your wife know that you perused through her phone. Why?


Because it is a privacy issue as he has mentioned before and it is a serious one. It is very offensive to some people and it is illegal unless they've agreed and it's under both their names.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> And now one of her male coworkers text me this:
> 
> Hello *. This is *_ with ****_, your wife’s coworker. She asked me to reach out to you to let you know that she reported to me the highly inappropriate text messages _ sent her. She's quite upset about the entire situation and is worried she might never regain your trust. I know it isn't my place, but for as long as I've known her. she has never demonstrated any behavior that would lead me to believe she was anything but faithful to you and your marriage. Not to make excuses for _, but he's a flirty guy who went way too far in this instance. I'm going to talk with him and he will be reprimanded. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I know what you must be thinking, but I hope you'll give **** a chance to talk with you and work this out.


*Nope, it needs to be his boss. They are in coverup mode. Better wake up. They are protecting him.*


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Too bad he didn't reprimand the idiot earlier?
> 
> Did it really take this confrontation to reprimand the slime?
> 
> ...


It’s a small 10 employee company where the previous owner was extremely lax and there basically were no rules. It has since been bought over by another company with new owners who I presume would fire this guy immediately if they saw this. 

reprimand is a joke to me, this is as clear cut of a case of sexual harassment as there is.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> And then another message from my wife that I’d rather not share word for word, but basically saying he has done this to her and another female coworker and they didn’t take it seriously and laughed it off when she should have been firm.
> 
> She then goes on being pretty sincere that she would Never do anything to hurt me and once again swears on her families life nothing has happened and begging me to believe her, saying she would never do anything to ruin what we have and goes on talking about how much she loves me and she can’t lose me or live without me.
> ——-
> it’s hard sharing this because of all the emotions at the moment. I need to process everything.


They are in cover up mode trying to protect their co worker. At your expense.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> It’s a small 10 employee company where the previous owner was extremely lax and there basically were no rules. It has since been bought over by another company with new owners who I presume would fire this guy immediately if they saw this.
> 
> reprimand is a joke to me, this is as clear cut of a case of sexual harassment as there is.


It’s coming from a coworker. Doesn’t mean squat. A coworker doesn’t have any authority to reprimand another coworker.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Nope, I’ve never had that point of view.


You're only one person and probably a better one than most. There's been sexual harassment in every workplace I've ever been. It mostly went undealt with and even applauded by the other guys there who thought it was funny.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> And then another message from my wife that I’d rather not share word for word, but basically saying he has done this to her and another female coworker and they didn’t take it seriously and laughed it off when she should have been firm.
> 
> She then goes on being pretty sincere that she would Never do anything to hurt me and once again swears on her families life nothing has happened and begging me to believe her, saying she would never do anything to ruin what we have and goes on talking about how much she loves me and she can’t lose me or live without me.
> ——-
> it’s hard sharing this because of all the emotions at the moment. I need to process everything.


You believe your wife and not that scumbag. She's doing what millions of women have had to do to not have a big blow up at work when being sexually harassed. But he needs to stop texting her unless it is really about work and that's assuming they don't fire him which they should but probably won't because you know how companies like to give warnings.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because it is a privacy issue as he has mentioned before and it is a serious one. It is very offensive to some people and it is illegal unless they've agreed and it's under both their names.


There is no such thing as privacy to sexually harass a coworker.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> There is no such thing as privacy to sexually harass a coworker.


I want to work for your company. They don’t have a typical attitude. Unless of course it’s all talk, which is often is. My company says these things and there’s a guy there who harasses me constantly to get a web cam so he can “see my pretty face.” No one is going to do anything about it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You've seen nothing other than her afraid to do anything about it to make you think she has any real interest in this guy.

She had already told you about this guy. Don't jeopardize your marriage over her getting sexually harassed.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> There is no such thing as privacy to sexually harass a coworker.


There are privacy laws between a husband and wife with the cell phone or any other thing unless they have an agreement to look at each others which he just did by asking her so now all is good.


Companies are exempted from privacy laws because they own the equipment but that doesn't mean they can go through someone else's cell phone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> It’s a small 10 employee company where the previous owner was extremely lax and there basically were no rules. It has since been bought over by another company with new owners who I presume would fire this guy immediately if they saw this.
> 
> reprimand is a joke to me, this is as clear cut of a case of sexual harassment as there is.


You don’t press it now. You get to live with it. Finish what you’ve started. In the process you will find out where your wife’s priorities lay. It will be you or him.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are privacy laws between a husband and wife with the cell phone or any other thing unless they have an agreement to look at each others which he just did by asking her so now all is good.
> 
> 
> Companies are exempted from privacy laws because they own the equipment but that doesn't mean they can go through someone else's cell phone.


What are the gonna do try and have him arrested for an employee sexually harassing his wife. 😂😂😂😂😂


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are privacy laws between a husband and wife with the cell phone or any other thing unless they have an agreement to look at each others which he just did by asking her so now all is good.
> 
> 
> Companies are exempted from privacy laws because they own the equipment but that doesn't mean they can go through someone else's cell phone.


This won’t hold water under the circumstances.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because it is a privacy issue as he has mentioned before and it is a serious one. It is very offensive to some people and it is illegal unless they've agreed and it's under both their names.


It is not. Whatever you might think. Between husband and wife phone are not, nor it should be a privacy issue. Period.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I can see it all now. Your honor I was sexually harassing his wife and he was not supposed to read my text messages 😢


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> It’s coming from a coworker. Doesn’t mean squat. A coworker doesn’t have any authority to reprimand another coworker.


this coworker is said persons boss.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> What are the gonna do try and have him arrested for an employee sexually harassing his wife. 😂😂😂😂😂


What they do is stew about it and then make up reasons to get rid of the woman. That's what they do. She can show them the text messages if need be. There's no need to sneak around about it at this point but she is still the one in the vulnerable position.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> I knew the password to her phone because I've seen her enter it sitting next to me in the past. She now uses face ID but you can still enter the passcode if the face ID fails and it still works. She doesn't know that I know the code, and once I mention that I went through her phone I lose that card going forward. She will obviously change the code and start deleting messages, so I'm just trying to think of all possible options that doesn't end up making her more secretive around me.


You are looking at this from the wrong perspective. The problem isn’t you looking at her phone. The problem is her being unwilling to voluntarily share that information with you. Trust is built by transparency. It is not built by showing that you won’t snoop. Snooping on your spouse isn’t wrong. The verification process is what builds trust. You are now in a perfect position to instill this mindset in your marriage. This includes your wife being able to go through your phone as well. This should be done immediately.


OSUguy85 said:


> I get it, I understand everyone advocating for the hard-ass approach and putting my foot down and kick her out. It’s a lot simpler to simply say that over the internet than to actually tear apart everything we’ve built our lives around so fast. There’s a lot of other things aside from her that I don’t want to risk losing and I’d rather not go into detail.
> 
> best case scenario after being confronted - nothing actually happened between them (though I may never know), and she never even thinks about playing along with advances like this again.
> 
> ...


Not everyone is suggesting that you kick her out. I am recommending that you establish some healthy boundaries and that you don’t let her turn this around on you, as if you are the problem. You aren’t the problem. You should have full access to her phone. That should be a given, not something to be argued over.
I also don’t recommend that you get angry with her. Be calm. Think about how you want this to strengthen your marriage and put both of you into a better place. A place where you share your lives with each other without reservation. Where you have each other’s backs. Where you forsake all others, which includes not flirting with anyone outside of your marriage. It includes letting your spouse know when someone is being inappropriate with you. Your wife could have handled this much better months ago, if she would have come to you for support. She should not have gone through this alone and she didn’t have to. It’s important for you both to understand this. You can handle pretty much anything together. Make this about unity. Don’t let it divide you.





OSUguy85 said:


> She was upset I didn’t believe her and I asked her how could I? Currently she went to the bathroom and is in there presumably on her phone. I stepped out of the house because I’m trying really hard to keep my cool before I blow my f***ing top off, heart is pounding, adrenaline going, I need to walk it off.


She’s in the bathroom on her phone? This is highly suspicious. What is she saying that she can’t say in front of you? It looks to me like she is managing this situation.




OSUguy85 said:


> And now one of her male coworkers text me this:
> 
> Hello *. This is *_ with _*, your wife’s coworker. She asked me to reach out to you to let you know that she reported to me the highly inappropriate text messages  sent her. She's quite upset about the entire situation and is worried she might never regain your trust. I know it isn't my place, but for as long as I've known her. she has never demonstrated any behavior that would lead me to believe she was anything but faithful to you and your marriage. Not to make excuses for , but he's a flirty guy who went way too far in this instance. I'm going to talk with him and he will be reprimanded. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I know what you must be thinking, but I hope you'll give * a chance to talk with you and work this out.


Okay, now I see that she in fact managing the situation while in the bathroom. This is another example of her moving away from you, rather than towards you. I recommend that you get on the computer and buy _What Makes Love Last_, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1451608470/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Work through this book together. Use this as an opportunity to improve your marriage and grow together, rather than moving apart. This should be a defining moment in your marriage, in a positive way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> This won’t hold water under the circumstances.


Well I made a whole thread on it so I'm not going to thread Jack here. But yes it does hold water and you can find any number of attorney sites that will tell you it does.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> What they do is stew about it and then make up reasons to get rid of the woman. That's what they do. She can show them the text messages if need be. There's no need to sneak around about it at this point but she is still the one in the vulnerable position.


Next time she’s late to work she’ll be fired. Or there will be “layoffs” in her department. She’ll go first and then the layoffs stop. Seen it all before.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> It is not. Whatever you might think. Between husband and wife phone are not, nor it should be a privacy issue. Period.


But it is if she owns her phone and he doesn't have permission. Look it up. There's a whole thread on it citing statute and attorneys opinions on it. It doesn't matter on this thread anymore because he went about it the right way and asked her.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

My wife approached me again in tears genuinely apologizing and asked if I wanted her to leave and stating she will change jobs as well if I want.

Maybe I’m wrong, I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong taking it jokingly as a response instead of firm in order to not make her work environment awkward. 

Still a lot of thinking to do.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> this coworker is said persons boss.


Hopefully he's not a buddy of that guy and will take care of it but I would be very surprised if he outright fires him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She had already told you about this guy. Don't jeopardize your marriage over her getting sexually harassed.


It's not a matter of putting the marriage in jeopardy, it's a matter of setting boundaries.

It is understood that the coworker has been harassing her, but it is a matter for her to had stopped it on her own, and since she didn't, he now has to take matters into his own hands.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> My wife approached me again in tears genuinely apologizing and asked if I wanted her to leave.
> 
> Maybe I’m wrong, I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she handled it completely wrong. Still a lot of thinking to do.


You have here A whole lot of people on this forum who have been cheated on and assume that everyone is cheating. Your wife is simply being sexually harassed. There are people on here who are advocating you do illegal things broaching privacy and you are correct that it is illegal and it isn't needed because she is cooperating with you. The main worry here is whether they get rid of that guy or just slap his hand and she still has to put up with him in some way.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> It's not a matter of putting the marriage in jeopardy, it's a matter of setting boundaries.
> 
> It is understood that the coworker has been harassing her, but it is a matter for her to had stopped it on her own, and since she didn't, he now has to take matters into his own hands.


If you would read the op's posts she is not a confrontational person. Many many women are intimidated in these situations and they are intimidated for a good reason which is that historically it's been them that lost their job and not the harasser.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> this coworker is said persons boss.


Be smart and go further up the chain of command. A reprimand means your wife gets to work with him.
Under the circumstances I smell a cover up. Sorry man but this is not something you need in your marriage. 
Better get those text messages. 
I don’t want to see you having to live with this long term. Right now they are just sorry they got caught.
What happens a month or so from now.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you would read the op's posts she is not a confrontational person. Many many women are intimidated in these situations and they are intimidated for a good reason which is that historically it's been them that lost their job and not the harasser.


That doesn’t justify anything.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> That doesn’t justify anything.


I disagree because I've been in that position and I am a pretty strong person.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OSUguy85 said:


> Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong


To me it didn't sound like she was cheating. It sounded like she was not putting the brakes on the POS dude. That's not being able to handle correctly her boundaries. You two need to be clear on what both of you boundaries are.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> To me it didn't sound like she was cheating. It sounded like she was not putting the brakes on the POS dude. That's not being able to handle correctly her boundaries. You two need to be clear on what both of you boundaries are.


I agree with that but he did say in an earlier post that she has told him to leave her alone before. She didn't want to lose her job over this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> That doesn’t justify anything.


Fear of losing her job doesn’t justify being afraid to make a huge ugly scene at work that will result in her being fired?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> And then another message from my wife that I’d rather not share word for word, but basically saying he has done this to her and another female coworker and they didn’t take it seriously and laughed it off when she should have been firm.
> 
> She then goes on being pretty sincere that she would Never do anything to hurt me and once again swears on her families life nothing has happened and begging me to believe her, saying she would never do anything to ruin what we have and goes on talking about how much she loves me and she can’t lose me or live without me.
> ——-
> it’s hard sharing this because of all the emotions at the moment. I need to process everything.


If he has done this to others, I would let boss know that sexual harassment charges will be sought or guy can be terminated.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I disagree because I've been in that position and I am a pretty strong person.


Not with a good attorney and irrefutable text messsages.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Despite the two women trying to t/j and explaining (poorly I might add) that your wife is unwise to report this, you should demand that she does. It sounds like she understands the situation and how it made you feel and she’s willing to correct it and be more transparent.

OP, I work for a large fortune 100 company and we are all given training that if you feel harassed, report it. Also, it is the obligation of any other employee who sees someone being mistreated to act and report it. It sounds like others knew about this d—bag and let it continue. Have your wife report it. It has no place in the workplace. He needs to go immediately.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Fear of losing her job doesn’t justify being afraid to make a huge ugly scene at work that will result in her being fired?


Not with a good attorney. Hell, it might be very lucrative.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

She isn’t turning this back on me, which is how my last marriage went, so that’s a positive. She takes full responsibility for her actions and seems genuinely sorry for how she handled it.

I don’t know what the company will do in response, but my guess is he will just be written up. My wife works from home now and hardly ever sees this person anymore, but to me it’s unacceptable that his employment continues under these circumstances. Especially if he’s doing it to another female coworker there as my wife claims.

he can say he was joking all he wants but we all know **** well what his intentions are. I’m not one to destroy other peoples lives, but the company should do the right thing and terminate and his wife/fiancée will probably never find out.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not with a good attorney and irrefutable text messsages.


You really don’t think they’ll paint her as the aggressor?

FWIW, the big issue I see here is that she should have told her husband about these texts. That she was keeping them a secret from him, for whatever reason, was a huge mistake on her part. It makes her look culpable. Part of respecting your spouse is avoiding the appearance of impropriety. This isn’t the kind of thing you keep secret from your husband.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> It’s a small 10 employee company where the previous owner was extremely lax and there basically were no rules. It has since been bought over by another company with new owners who I presume would fire this guy immediately if they saw this.
> 
> reprimand is a joke to me, this is as clear cut of a case of sexual harassment as there is.


You are 100% correct. This can’t be explained away.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Not with a good attorney. Hell, it might be very lucrative.


No company will ever hire her again if she gets a settlement. It would need to be enough that she never needs another job. That ruins a woman’s career forever.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> She isn’t turning this back on me, which is how my last marriage went, so that’s a positive. She takes full responsibility for her actions and seems genuinely sorry for how she handled it.
> 
> I don’t know what the company will do in response, but my guess is he will just be written up. My wife works from home now and hardly ever sees this person anymore, but to me it’s unacceptable that his employment continues under these circumstances. Especially if he’s doing it to another female coworker there as my wife claims.
> 
> he can say he was joking all he wants but we all know **** well what his intentions are. I’m not one to destroy other peoples lives, but the company should do the right thing and terminate and his wife/fiancée will probably never find out.


Would she be able to find another job? I don’t know her employment circumstance, but it would look better for her if she left the company voluntarily as soon as possible.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> Despite the two women trying to t/j and explaining (poorly I might add) that your wife is unwise to report this, you should demand that she does. It sounds like she understands the situation and how it made you feel and she’s willing to correct it and be more transparent.
> 
> OP, I work for a large fortune 100 company and we are all given training that if you feel harassed, report it. Also, it is the obligation of any other employee who sees someone being mistreated to act and report it. It sounds like others knew about this d—bag and let it continue. Have your wife report it. It has no place in the workplace. He needs to go immediately.


It needs to go further up the chain of command. You don’t need to live with this long term. Companies normally will look to cut their loses. He’ll be gone if you press it.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> Despite the two women trying to t/j and explaining (poorly I might add) that your wife is unwise to report this, you should demand that she does. It sounds like she understands the situation and how it made you feel and she’s willing to correct it and be more transparent.
> 
> OP, I work for a large fortune 100 company and we are all given training that if you feel harassed, report it. Also, it is the obligation of any other employee who sees someone being mistreated to act and report it. It sounds like others knew about this d—bag and let it continue. Have your wife report it. It has no place in the workplace. He needs to go immediately.


I’m currently sitting alone with a million thoughts a second racing through my head typing this out on a cell phone, so bare with me if my explanations are not crystal clear while I type anonymously on this forum. Under a professional setting I can assure you I do not write this way.

Also, this is anything but a fortune 100 company. It’s a small laid back franchise with 10 employees who mostly go out and drink with each other after hours (my wife not included). He would have been immediately fired under any corporate structure, but this is not the case and employees are hard to find at the moment so I doubt he is terminated.

my wife has been with the company for a while and would likely take a pay cut with any switch. I’d rather the company do the right thing and she keep her job.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> My wife approached me again in tears genuinely apologizing and asked if I wanted her to leave and stating she will change jobs as well if I want.
> 
> Maybe I’m wrong, I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong taking it jokingly as a response instead of firm in order to not make her work environment awkward.
> 
> Still a lot of thinking to do.


First off Go Pokes!

I would talk to her and other female worker about filing together. Since she is willing to leave the job, she should have no issue filing sex harassment on guy. Besides if she makes complaint and they take adverse actions on her...they open themselves to lawsuit for retaliation.

Wonder if she would submit to poly if she is adamant to clear herself of further improprieties.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No company will ever hire her again if she gets a settlement. It would need to be enough that she never needs another job. That ruins a woman’s career forever.


So your opinion is sexual harassment is to be tolerated?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I want to work for your company. They don’t have a typical attitude. Unless of course it’s all talk, which is often is. My company says these things and there’s a guy there who harasses me constantly to get a web cam so he can “see my pretty face.” No one is going to do anything about it.


I've stepped directly in and had men terminated for behavior similar to the OP.

A lot of people do a lot of nothing but there are certainly tools laying around unused, that can be employed against harassers.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’m currently sitting alone with a million thoughts a second racing through my head typing this out on a cell phone, so bare with me if my explanations are not crystal clear while I type anonymously on this forum. Under a professional setting I can assure you I do not write this way.
> 
> Also, this is anything but a fortune 100 company. It’s a small laid back franchise with 10 employees who mostly go out and drink with each other after hours (my wife not included). He would have been immediately fired under any corporate structure, but this is not the case and employees are hard to find at the moment so I doubt he is terminated.


Well your easy option upfront is to live with it. How’s that work for you long term?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well I made a whole thread on it so I'm not going to thread Jack here. But yes it does hold water and you can find any number of attorney sites that will tell you it does.


I remember easily debunking that. You are really beating a dead equine here.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’m currently sitting alone with a million thoughts a second racing through my head typing this out on a cell phone, so bare with me if my explanations are not crystal clear while I type anonymously on this forum. Under a professional setting I can assure you I do not write this way.
> 
> Also, this is anything but a fortune 100 company. It’s a small laid back franchise with 10 employees who mostly go out and drink with each other after hours (my wife not included). He would have been immediately fired under any corporate structure, but this is not the case and employees are hard to find at the moment so I doubt he is terminated.
> 
> my wife has been with the company for a while and would likely take a pay cut with any switch. I’d rather the company do the right thing and she keep her job.


I get what you are saying with the mom and pop business. However, sexual misconduct in the workplace, any workplace, is not tolerated. A letter to the owner on an attorney’s letterhead should be enough to do the trick.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It doesn't matter whether he was joking or not. His comments were way out of line. Sexual comments, talking about a person's body parts, telling her he wants to touch her body parts, etc. are all out of line and should be shut down. Now that she has told her boss, hopefully the other women who is receiving this kind of unwanted attention will also step up.
It is unlikely that the man will stop this kind of behavior. He will likely be very angry with your wife and turn it all around on her. That's what most sexual harassers do when caught.
Can she change her phone number? Why does he even have her number? At the very least, he should be blocked and she should never be alone with with. He could become dangerous.
If there are only 10 employees, then 20% of their employment force is being harassed by this man. Getting rid of him may be a good decision. 
If your wife is saying she is willing to leave her job, maybe she should start looking and see what's out there for her. She might find something she likes better with higher pay even. No harm in looking.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> So your opinion is sexual harassment is to be tolerated?


No. 🙄 I’m not saying it should be. I’m saying it is. I’m also explaining why she’d be afraid to report it. Especially at a small firm where everyone else tolerates it. Especially if she has no experience with it. 

Ideally she should be able to report it. You can see from the responses to this thread that she is being blamed. She’s now got to prove she didn’t want this. It would be no different if she reported it. She’ll have to prove it wasn’t mutual. 

Usually when this happens the best thing is to go find another job. HR directors talk a big show about protecting women but at the end of the day it’s about money. They’ll tell him to back off and find a reason to fire her. It’s a bad situation but one that women are forced to deal with all the time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I remember easily debunking that. You are really beating a dead equine here.


Apparently you didn't read through to the end.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

One way that abusers excuse their bad behavior is to say that they "were just joking." Rude, off color, or otherwise inappropriate jokes are not acceptable. For someone to use that as an excuse is a seriously lame attempt to avoid consequences for their bad behavior.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> My wife approached me again in tears genuinely apologizing and asked if I wanted her to leave and stating she will change jobs as well if I want.
> 
> Maybe I’m wrong, I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong taking it jokingly as a response instead of firm in order to not make her work environment awkward.
> 
> Still a lot of thinking to do.


Bud, she’s willing to leave her job. How about reporting him further up the chain of command?
Smells like her loyalty to him is strong. Taking the easy way out is not necessarily the best way.
Better think this through thoroughly.
It’s odd how she thought this was ok until you saw it. 
Then you got what looks like a cover up within minutes.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No. 🙄 I’m not saying it should be. I’m saying it is. I’m also explaining why she’d be afraid to report it. Especially at a small firm where everyone else tolerates it. Especially if she has no experience with it.
> 
> Ideally she should be able to report it. You can see from the responses to this thread that she is being blamed. She’s now got to prove she didn’t want this. It would be no different if she reported it. She’ll have to prove it wasn’t mutual.
> 
> Usually when this happens the best thing is to go find another job. HR directors talk a big show about protecting women but at the end of the day it’s about money. They’ll tell him to back off and find a reason to fire her. It’s a bad situation but one that women are forced to deal with all the time.


Perhaps she didn't know how to handle it, but she certainly didn't shut it down. She has to make it clear that it's unwelcome. lol and other types of comments that enable it to continue are not shutting it down. They are participation. She should have gone to her husband, if she didn't know what to do. They could work together to resolve the problem. That's what spouses are supposed to do - go to each other, have each other's backs.
Now that she has told management that it's unwelcome and she wants it to stop, if he does it again, she needs to immediately report him. Then she should push to have him fired.
Whose phone is she using? Is this a personal phone? Are you on the same plan? If it is, I recommend you check the website to see if she messaged him while she was in the bathroom.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cynthia said:


> One way that abusers excuse their bad behavior is to say that they "were just joking." Rude, off color, or otherwise inappropriate jokes are not acceptable. For someone to use that as an excuse is a seriously lame attempt to avoid consequences for their bad behavior.


It doesn’t hold water when you shine a bright light on it either.
I fired a guy for stealing once and his excuse was. Everyone is doIng it.😢
I told him you were the only one on the camera🥸


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## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Her email responses don't indicate that she was in any type of emotional or physical relationship with the POS. Nor does the POS's email give any indication that he had been successful in closing the deal. But you don't have all the emails. You are probably on solid ground in believing your wife. You can always suggest a polygraph just to gauge her reaction. Boundaries need to be solidified. Neither you nor your wife should expect privacy regarding electronic devices and social media forums. You or your wife should advise the other if someone has behaved quite inappropriately toward either of you. Of course, both of you owe the other complete fidelity. These are examples of some of the boundaries that need to be made clear.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cynthia said:


> Perhaps she didn't know how to handle it, but she certainly didn't shut it down. She has to make it clear that it's unwelcome. lol and other types of comments that enable it to continue are not shutting it down. They are participation. She should have gone to her husband, if she didn't know what to do. They could work together to resolve the problem. That's what spouses are supposed to do - go to each other, have each other's backs.
> Now that she has told management that it's unwelcome and she wants it to stop, if he does it again, she needs to immediately report him. Then she should push to have him fired.
> Whose phone is she using? Is this a personal phone? Are you on the same plan? If it is, I recommend you check the website to see if she messaged him while she was in the bathroom.


Excellent advice!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> No company will ever hire her again if she gets a settlement. It would need to be enough that she never needs another job. That ruins a woman’s career forever.


I don’t see that. Most companies when faced with a lawsuit cut their losses and bend over backwards afterwards be fair. It’s all about liability.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> I don’t see that. Most companies when faced with a lawsuit cut their losses and bend over backwards afterwards be fair. It’s all about liability.


You’re still not getting it. Everyone will know she settled a harassment suit. You’re choosing between two prospective employees, do you choose the one who has never had issues or the one who sued and settled with a company.

Meanwhile, you’re advising the OP that his wife was unfaithful. You’re blaming her. Like I said companies do. They settle, make it go away and find a reason to fire the complainer, then she’s labeled a complainer and troublemaker. You’re saying it doesn’t happen while you’re actively doing it.

She should have told her husband, but if she’d brought him those texts he’d have reacted the same way he is now: angry at her, suspicious of her, blaming her for bringing it on herself.

Thats why when a man crosses a line at work you tell your husband and go find a new job ASAP. There’s no fix for this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re still not getting it. Everyone will know she settled a harassment suit. You’re choosing between two prospective employees, do you choose the one who has never had issues or the one who sued and settled with a company.
> 
> *Meanwhile, you’re advising the OP that his wife was unfaithful. *You’re blaming her. Like I said companies do. They settle, make it go away and find a reason to fire the complainer, then she’s labeled a complainer and troublemaker. You’re saying it doesn’t happen while you’re actively doing it.
> 
> ...


I haven’t said his wife is physically cheating. She is inappropriate but it doesn’t look like a physical affair.. This is how they start. 
I think its black and white. You either accept sexual harassment or you don’t.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re still not getting it. Everyone will know she settled a harassment suit. You’re choosing between two prospective employees, do you choose the one who has never had issues or the one who sued and settled with a company.
> 
> Meanwhile, you’re advising the OP that his wife was unfaithful. You’re blaming her. Like I said companies do. They settle, make it go away and find a reason to fire the complainer, then she’s labeled a complainer and troublemaker. You’re saying it doesn’t happen while you’re actively doing it.
> 
> ...


He seems pretty logical under the circumstances.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> He seems pretty logical under the circumstances.


“You’re still not getting it”, lol. Da man is always wrong and every woman is the victim. Always.

Now do you get it?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@OSUguy85 , it has been inferred that you possibly need to worry about having broken a law.

To avoid a thread jack, rest assured you have not especially the way you went about it.

If you need any debunking of pure bunk, let this barbarian know and I'll provide the receipts.

Take care and I think your wife is a good one though she needs to establish better boundaries which include not apparently going on with the company lothario behind your back. LoL!

Hope you two get it resolved without too much anguish.👍


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> I haven’t said his wife is physically cheating. She is inappropriate but it doesn’t look like a physical affair.. This is how they start.
> I think its black and white. You either accept sexual harassment or you don’t.


That’s because you’re not ever going to be a victim of it. It’s easy from your perspective to say that women should do this or that when the fallout from their behavior isn’t factored into your decision.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my wife for a total of 9 years and love her with everything I have. I’m 37 and she is 33. I’ve always remained faithful and she always has as well as far as I know. She grew up in a divorced home and despises her mother for cheating on her father and proceeding to take half of his assets. She frequently makes comments regarding how she couldn’t ever see someone doing that to their spouse and does not talk to her mother to this day.
> 
> Anyway, she’s been at her job for a handful of years and does office work. They have a “crew” of guys that does installs for their products and one of the guys in particular has always been extremely outgoing, flirtatious and just plain drunk half the time.
> 
> ...


My husband is free to go through my phone and I am free to go through his whenever I want. No secrets, though we respect each other and try to respect privacy regarding convos with family members and same gender friends. Something made you want to do so in this particular instance. That would be worth analyzing. I suspect it was because you feel her boundaries are shaky.

Imho, this marriage is salvageable, but she has some maturing to do. She could very easily have brought you into these conversations, if she was feeling harassed and afraid to ignore this guy (unlikely). (Instead, she is engaging him in a pretty immature way and seems to like the attention.)

Here are some examples of how she could have brought you into these conversations:

Her: so that company that makes a really good japanese ginger sauce I showed you also makes a really good yum yum sauce.
*(She did not need to send this text at all.)*

Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k

Her: haha lol. Yessss it’s so good!
*Instead: "I buy it for my husband a lot. It's one of his favs."*
Him: Wyd? U alone?

Her: I’m at home. I had to run to the office and now I’m back. I had to start making calls in about 10 minutes.
*Instead: "I'm trying to figure out what I want to make my husband for dinner before I go make my calls. I want to surprise him." (It doesn't matter if she usually makes dinner. The example isn't important. Just that she is thinking of YOU.)*

Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!

Her: lol oh my lord no.
Her: Mike and Aaron might still be there FYI
*Instead: "My husband wouldn't like that. He's very possessive about my ass. 😁"*

Him: **** them. I wanna see you k!
Him: been thinking about running my hand across that fat ass since I talked to you yesterday.

Her: I am not driving back up there. Lol omg. You are ridiculous.
*Instead: "My husband is the only man who gets to touch that ass. And he would run his fist across your face if you got near it 😁."*

——————
No, she does not need to bring you into it, but it would be a way of backing him up with causing conflict and making things weird. I can stand up to men on my own, but I have a husband I'm not afraid to use for backup, and he is happy to be used in that way if necessary. She shouldn't have let him get comfortable talking to her that way, however. If she doesn't see that and isn't willing to work on it, that is a red flag.

I would sit down with her and have a talk, telling her your concerns and what you are and are not willing to tolerate when it comes to boundaries with the opposite sex.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s because you’re not ever going to be a victim of it. It’s easy from your perspective to say that women should do this or that when the fallout from their behavior isn’t factored into your decision.


I’ve never seen where laying in the victim chair gets anyone anything. Life isn’t necessarily fair. It’s how you handle that unfairness.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Excellent advice and I wholeheartedly agree withvCynthia’s observations about going into bathroom to get stories straight abd do damage control.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> I’ve never seen where laying in the victim chair gets anyone anything. Life isn’t necessarily fair. It’s how you handle that unfairness.


I agree. In this case the woman should have told her husband and gone to find another job. At her exit interview, turn in printouts of all the inappropriate texts and explain that’s why she’s leaving.

Sadly there was no one to advise or help her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s because you’re not ever going to be a victim of it. It’s easy from your perspective


What a ball of crap. If women have it hard for sexual harassment, imagine men. Men do also get sexual harassed FYI, albeit in smaller quantities.

Now, do you know what's the average reaction when a man gets sexually harassed and he reports it? Do you have an idea?

I tell you, if he doesn't get outright laughed about it, he gets looked like some weirdo that doesn't want to take the opportunity to get some.
That's how it is for a lot of men that report sexual harassment. So that's that


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She should have told her husband, but if she’d brought him those texts he’d have reacted the same way he is now: angry at her, suspicious of her, blaming her for bringing it on herself.


As a woman who was sexually harassed at work and threw a huge fit 30+ years ago, when sexual harassment was thought to be normal, I think the above post is a bleak outlook. To say that her husband would have been angry and suspicious of her is a bold accusation. Clearly, the relationship needs work, as their communication and boundaries are poor, but to say that he would have mistreated her for coming to him is unwarranted.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cynthia said:


> It doesn't matter whether he was joking or not. His comments were way out of line. Sexual comments, talking about a person's body parts, telling her he wants to touch her body parts, etc. are all out of line and should be shut down. Now that she has told her boss, hopefully the other women who is receiving this kind of unwanted attention will also step up.
> It is unlikely that the man will stop this kind of behavior. He will likely be very angry with your wife and turn it all around on her. That's what most sexual harassers do when caught.
> Can she change her phone number? Why does he even have her number? At the very least, he should be blocked and she should never be alone with with. He could become dangerous.
> If there are only 10 employees, then 20% of their employment force is being harassed by this man. Getting rid of him may be a good decision.
> If your wife is saying she is willing to leave her job, maybe she should start looking and see what's out there for her. She might find something she likes better with higher pay even. No harm in looking.


I don’t believe the boss has been told*
but I agree


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

OSUguy85 said:


> My wife approached me again in tears genuinely apologizing and asked if I wanted her to leave and stating she will change jobs as well if I want.
> 
> Maybe I’m wrong, I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong taking it jokingly as a response instead of firm in order to not make her work environment awkward.
> 
> Still a lot of thinking to do.


Believe your wife. She sound very legit. Sometimes women who are on the timid side do not know how to appropriately respond to guys like that. She's not cheating. Hey, I would be pissed too if I read those texts, can't blame you there. You're a lucky guy to have her; don't **** it up.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Its been my experience that this guy could have easily been knocked back without any intervention from anyone but the OPs wife.., typically its the loudest guys in a room that are the weakest...

I dunno...This could all just be an isolated event, or she just likes that kind of male attention...As others have stated, its not something to blow the whole thing up over, just need to determine if she is the type that actually likes this type of attention...Just take a look at the IG/TikTok craze....Any dog ass woman that wants to make a 15 second video without her bra on, can get literally thousands of likes, comments...and BS validation...

I've known women like this, if she is actually that type dealing with this issue by itself, would only be like sticking your finger in the hole of the collapsing dike...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don’t believe the boss has been told*
> but I agree


You can bank on it. They are attempting to cover this up. At the OPs expense.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mybabysgotit said:


> Believe your wife. She sound very legit. Sometimes women who are on the timid side do not know how to appropriately respond to guys like that. She's not cheating. Hey, I would be pissed too if I read those texts, can't blame you there. You're a lucky guy to have her; don't **** it up.


He’s not the one ****ing it up.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

@OSUguy85 your head is probably spinning dealing with this. 
It will benefit you to think this through carefully. You’re the one that gets to live with it. 
I will advise a rugsweep can cause longterm heartburn. 
As with any forum. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Keep posting if you need more info.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Wow, what a spot to be in. I would not be able to resist confronting that perverted little turd and spelling out clearly what will happen to him if he doesn't stay clear of her. She may not be encouraging it but she is not shutting it down either. She should be offended by it imo.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> And now one of her male coworkers text me this:
> 
> Hello *. This is *_ with ****_, your wife’s coworker. She asked me to reach out to you to let you know that she reported to me the highly inappropriate text messages _ sent her. She's quite upset about the entire situation and is worried she might never regain your trust. I know it isn't my place, but for as long as I've known her. she has never demonstrated any behavior that would lead me to believe she was anything but faithful to you and your marriage. Not to make excuses for _, but he's a flirty guy who went way too far in this instance. I'm going to talk with him and he will be reprimanded. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I know what you must be thinking, but I hope you'll give **** a chance to talk with you and work this out.


I would follow through with this to be sure it has been dealt with properly.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I agree. In this case the woman should have told her husband and gone to find another job. At her exit interview, turn in printouts of all the inappropriate texts and explain that’s why she’s leaving.
> 
> Sadly there was no one to advise or help her.


Common sense is not so common. It was telling at her reaction to the texts. She knew it was wrong which means it was ok until it got a bright light shown on it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Tested_by_stress said:


> I would follow through with this to be sure it has been dealt with properly.


It hasn’t. It appears they are covering for him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Common sense is not so common. It was telling at her reaction to the texts. She knew it was wrong which means it was ok until it got a bright light shown on it.


I can see her husband being suspicious because she let it go on for so long. I’m trying not to attribute to malice that which can be easily explained by stupidity. Maybe I don’t want to believe she’s cheating. Her going into the bathroom to talk on the phone is a very large and unpleasant red flag that’s tough to defend. 🥺 She either has really really bad judgement and seriously needs to grow up or I’m off base and she’s enjoying the attention. I of course have no way to know that. I tried to give my own perspective and apparently am wrong. I’m not helping, so y’all stab away.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

I've only got as far as comment #44 and your wife's reaction will let you know if she is messing around, thinking of messing around or not. If you have a good strong marriage she would want to reassure you not get pissed at you. She may even be glad you brought it up if he is harassing her and ask for your advice. 

If she has nothing to hide she will let you look at her phone any time you need that reassurance. If she gets angry, changes passwords, hides phone, then you have a problem.

Tell her you picked up her phone and ended up seeing the messages from this work colleague, and you want her to stop messaging him. Be truthful and then watch her reaction.

If my husband looked at my phone it wouldn't bother me because I've got nothing to hide and vice versa. We all need reassurance every now and then.

Off to read rest of comments.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I want to work for your company. They don’t have a typical attitude. Unless of course it’s all talk, which is often is. My company says these things and there’s a guy there who harasses me constantly to get a web cam so he can “see my pretty face.” No one is going to do anything about it.


I will just say having worked for a fortune 500 corporation, while it was tolerated until about 1990, the culture and rules changed abruptly once EEOC, other federal and state agencies got involved and once attorneys realized this was an opportunity for some high paying lawsuits. My company implemented a zero tolerance policy. Anyone (Male OR Female) accused had burden to prove they were not guilty of charges (!?!) That is why the "Pence" rule became common practice. I know of numerous people, mostly males, who were discharged. And NONE of their victims were retaliated against, in fact some received nice promotions. Some received financial compensation and retained their existing positions. The company put the fear of being hit with a huge hammer into anyone contemplating harassing.

The guilty party's MANAGER was usually disciplined as well. A demotion back to working with the tools, bad rating in his (or her) file. In one case the MANAGER was fired when it was discovered he was covering for the perp. 

Usually, a man ( or woman ) harassed someone was known in the ranks as having done it to others. A few interviews by HR and/or legal quickly built a solid case against the perp.

A small privately-held company may still be living in the dark ages. But the owner of such a company risks losing everything he worked for over a lifetime by tolerating an employee victimizing others in the company. A large corporation simply wont tolerate these things anymore.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> this coworker is said persons boss.


The coworker is at risk himself if the owning company becomes aware of what has been going on. So of course he is covering his a$$. As the boss, he is responsible for knowing what his direct reports are up to. If he didn't know about the harassment he could be fired. If he did know about it he most certainly will be. The company that bought the original owner out is looking to put their people in all key positions anyway.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> And now one of her male coworkers text me this:
> 
> Hello *. This is * with , your wife’s coworker. She asked me to reach out to you to let you know that she reported to me the highly inappropriate text messages  sent her. She's quite upset about the entire situation and is worried she might never regain your trust. I know it isn't my place, but for as long as I've known her. she has never demonstrated any behavior that would lead me to believe she was anything but faithful to you and your marriage. Not to make excuses for *, but he's a flirty guy who went way too far in this instance. I'm going to talk with him and he will be reprimanded. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation and I know what you must be thinking, but I hope you'll give * a chance to talk with you and work this out.


I'm confused. I see that this person identified as a coworker, but also said that he will be reprimanded. Is this person a supervisor or a boss? Does the owner or main boss know?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That’s because you’re not ever going to be a victim of it. It’s easy from your perspective to say that women should do this or that when the fallout from their behavior isn’t factored into your decision.


Just to be fair, the company I worked for had a *Female* manager who was harassing the younger men, married or not. One the married ones got sick of it, reported her to HR. After a short investigation and interviewing several of her direct reports, they told her to clean out her desk and escorted her to the main gate. Case closed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cynthia said:


> I'm confused. I see that this person identified as a coworker, but also said that he will be reprimanded. Is this person a supervisor or a boss? Does the owner or main boss know?


Nope, it’s a coverup. A blind person could see it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Just to be fair, the company I worked for had a *Female* manager who was harassing the younger men, married or not. One the married ones got sick of it, reported her to HR. After a short investigation and interviewing several of her direct reports, they told her to clean out her desk and escorted her to the main gate. Case closed.


I also know of a case where a female was fired for sexual harassment of the young men who worked for her. IIRC, she was harassing both men and women. This was at a fast food restaurant where most of the employees were young.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong taking it jokingly as a response instead of firm *in order to not make her work environment awkward*.


IMO you are right to believe her. Sure seems she has shown some genuine remorse regarding her lack of a hard response. Let her know that if anything ever happens like this again, to come to you with the problem so you can help her solve it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Just to be fair, the company I worked for had a *Female* manager who was harassing the younger men, married or not. One the married ones got sick of it, reported her to HR. After a short investigation and interviewing several of her direct reports, they told her to clean out her desk and escorted her to the main gate. Case closed.


I’ve experienced more discrimination from women than from men. That’s not what this thread is about, but in the actual world men AND women can have problems with this kind of thing. I’m glad the men in your company reported her and got results.

Marc is older, I’m assuming he’s higher up in his company. He will likely not have experience with a female boss doing that to him, nor would he likely ever find out what happened to a woman after she put in a report.

On one point he is absolutely correct: she should not have tolerated this and told no one. She should have told her husband what was going on and looked for another job the first time the texts crossed the line. I don’t know if she can even bring a complaint now, because she didn’t say anything. They’ll say silence implies consent.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> She isn’t turning this back on me, which is how my last marriage went, so that’s a positive. She takes full responsibility for her actions and seems genuinely sorry for how she handled it.
> 
> I don’t know what the company will do in response, but my guess is he will just be written up. My wife works from home now and hardly ever sees this person anymore, but to me it’s unacceptable that his employment continues under these circumstances. Especially if he’s doing it to another female coworker there as my wife claims.
> 
> he can say he was joking all he wants but we all know **** well what his intentions are. I’m not one to destroy other peoples lives, but the company should do the right thing and terminate and his wife/fiancée will probably never find out.


Your wife's reaction seems to be genuine and the fact she hasn't turned it around on you is a positive. She hasn't got angry, and has offered to leave her job. Her reaction isn't from one having an affair in my opinion.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He will likely not have experience with a female boss doing that to him, nor would he likely ever find out what happened to a woman after she put in a report.


At the end of my career, females outnumbered males in managerial positions about 2:1. Of course all that I had dealings with were 1000% business.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Cynthia said:


> I also know of a case where a female was fired for sexual harassment of the young men who worked for her. IIRC, she was harassing both men and women. This was at a fast food restaurant where most of the employees were young.


A woman who worked at my husbands place of work has sexually harrassed a few men and my husband in his office. If she didn't get the attention, she would put in complaints saying she is getting sexually harassed. She started stalking the men, sending them nude photos, trying to get up close to them, photos of her breasts, getting them gifts, and the list goes on. This woman is dangerous. About 6 men came forward with complaints and she was removed from her job. 

I hope OP and his wife can move forward from this and that perv is sacked.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The big problem now is if the OP allows a cover up/rugsweep his wife will still be working with the scumbag. They will have contact by phone and in the office together. It doesn’t make for a good long term solution.
From what I’ve seen people like this may change for a period of time but revert back when the coast is clear.
Even if he doesn’t it will bare on the OP’s mind.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Twodecades said:


> My husband is free to go through my phone and I am free to go through his whenever I want. No secrets, though we respect each other and try to respect privacy regarding convos with family members and same gender friends. Something made you want to do so in this particular instance. That would be worth analyzing. I suspect it was because you feel her boundaries are shaky.
> 
> Imho, this marriage is salvageable, but she has some maturing to do. She could very easily have brought you into these conversations, if she was feeling harassed and afraid to ignore this guy (unlikely). (Instead, she is engaging him in a pretty immature way and seems to like the attention.)
> 
> ...


I defer to having a wife...if a woman is so bold, I inform her of fact my wife has her owm crossbow, 9mm, AR-15 and .300 blackout and she killed more deer last year than I did. She will shoot you.

My wife would explain to a man making advances, "My hubby has a 45 and knows where all the abandoned wells are in the woods around the lake, any way...I'm sure you will not be missed.😉


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> I don’t see that. Most companies when faced with a lawsuit cut their losses and bend over backwards afterwards be fair. It’s all about liability.


They really don't. They cover their ass.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> I’ve never seen where laying in the victim chair gets anyone anything. Life isn’t necessarily fair. It’s how you handle that unfairness.


And sometimes you just refuse to be run out of your job or career because of some crude a-hole who is being cheered on by other crude a holes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They really don't. They cover their ass.


Your opinion not mine.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I will just say having worked for a fortune 500 corporation, while it was tolerated until about 1990, the culture and rules changed abruptly once EEOC, other federal and state agencies got involved and once attorneys realized this was an opportunity for some high paying lawsuits. My company implemented a zero tolerance policy. Anyone (Male OR Female) accused had burden to prove they were not guilty of charges (!?!) That is why the "Pence" rule became common practice. I know of numerous people, mostly males, who were discharged. And NONE of their victims were retaliated against, in fact some received nice promotions. Some received financial compensation and retained their existing positions. The company put the fear of being hit with a huge hammer into anyone contemplating harassing.
> 
> The guilty party's MANAGER was usually disciplined as well. A demotion back to working with the tools, bad rating in his (or her) file. In one case the MANAGER was fired when it was discovered he was covering for the perp.
> 
> ...


The small companies it's the owner and management who set the tone and there is no doubt that they know the crap this guy is spewing to the female employees and have tacitly agreed to it by doing nothing about it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The small companies it's the owner and management who set the tone and there is no doubt that they know the crap this guy is spewing to the female employees and have tacitly agreed to it by doing nothing about it.


That’s when a good attorney is your best friend.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> That’s when a good attorney is your best friend.


If you have the money for one, sure.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The small companies it's the owner and management who set the tone and there is no doubt that they know the crap this guy is spewing to the female employees and have tacitly agreed to it by doing nothing about it.


The previous owner knew him, but he was only ever there once a month and probably wouldn’t have done anything. The new owners don’t know him well enough yet as the acquisition was literally within the last few weeks and they live out of state as well and are relying on the existing manager (who text me) to keep things running. The crew and manager all work together daily so obviously there’s some friendships there, which is why I would be surprised if anything happens. If the existing manager has to write him up I presume it would now have to be reported to the new owners since they run a more structured operation. But again, who knows.

My wife used to be this persons superior as well but took a different role under the new ownership. Which begs the question why didn’t she do anything about it when she did have direct authority over him? Perhaps that’s why he’s ramped it up lately because she no longer can do anything? My wife is the type to try to be on cool terms with everyone and not stir any drama, which is the most likely reason she didn’t make a big deal out of it. Knowing her as well as I do, I believe her and don’t think she’d risk everything we have for this guy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If you have the money for one, sure.


Not really. A lot of attorneys will work pro bono if they think the case has merit and take a % of the awarded settlement.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@OSUguy85, you might want to give it a day until you and your wife have calmed down, but this is the perfect opportunity for you to have a calm, loving sit-down with your wife to reset your marriage by setting some healthy boundaries and doing some reading together about healthy marriages. You have some significant communication and boundary issues that can be addressed and worked through together.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can see her husband being suspicious because she let it go on for so long. I’m trying not to attribute to malice that which can be easily explained by stupidity. Maybe I don’t want to believe she’s cheating. Her going into the bathroom to talk on the phone is a very large and unpleasant red flag that’s tough to defend. 🥺 She either has really really bad judgement and seriously needs to grow up or I’m off base and she’s enjoying the attention. I of course have no way to know that. I tried to give my own perspective and apparently am wrong. I’m not helping, so y’all stab away.


my best guess is she didn’t want to be seen as weak while she broke down in tears after I interrogated her. And she just didn’t know how to handle the situation and get things back under control and back to normal so she probably was asking friends for help on what to do.

my wife has a control freak personality, not with me but rather in a sense where when something out of the ordinary happens in life that she can’t control the outcome then she panics. This is definitely one of those times.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> my best guess is she didn’t want to be seen as weak while she broke down in tears after I interrogated her. And she just didn’t know how to handle the situation and get things back under control and back to normal so she probably was asking friends for help on what to do.
> 
> my wife has a control freak personality, not with me but rather in a sense where when something out of the ordinary happens in life that she can’t control the outcome then she panics. This is definitely one of those times.


That makes total sense to me. I try to handle things by myself, I don’t like asking for help. It’s impossible to tell your husband you’re being bullied at work like she was without expecting him to try to fix it, all good men react that way. I’m glad you’re not assuming the worst of her and just dumping her over this. I hope she finds a new job soon.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> my best guess is she didn’t want to be seen as weak while she broke down in tears after I interrogated her. And she just didn’t know how to handle the situation and get things back under control and back to normal so she probably was asking friends for help on what to do.
> 
> my wife has a control freak personality, not with me but rather in a sense where when something out of the ordinary happens in life that she can’t control the outcome then she panics. This is definitely one of those times.


Bud, a coverup for the guy who has been sexually harassed her is not in either of your best interests.
I kinda see how this has played out but now is the time to fix it permanently.
Neither of you needs to live life with this asshole hanging over it.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

My wife is still crying in the bedroom over this. It pains me to see her this way, I’ve never seen her get this upset over anything in 9 years of knowing her and that’s with close relatives passing away. 

I still think I need to give it another day before we have another serious conversation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> My wife is still crying in the bedroom over this. It pains me to see her this way, I’ve never seen her get this upset over anything in 9 years of knowing her and that’s with close relatives passing away.
> 
> I still think I need to give it another day before we have another serious conversation.


Well if you work things right you could have a better and stronger marriage. *Keep your goals and endgame intact. *
Right now she is probably ashamed at how this is looking on her. Probably kicking herself for being stupid.
Consequent are how we learn. Marriage takes two. If you have that then you should be able to work through this.
She isn’t the first and won’t be the last spouse that has let someone work their way into their marriage.
You will need to lead the way.
Right now you are in the drivers seat. I’d stay there if I were you.
Read up:


State, feds reach sexual harassment agreement with employer


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@OSUguy85

A (married) woman should NOT FLIRT with a man who is known to be flirtatious in office and otherwise. This is a matter of common sense. Your wife did NOT shut this man down. You caught her in the act instead.

If your wife is remorseful then this is good for you. Your marriage can be saved. You can forgive your wife but tell your wife the obvious.

The whole "sexual harassment" narrative is being pushed here but the texts you have seen do not show your wife in good light either.

You handled the confrontation phase very well but you should not let this man off the hook so easily. Tell his superiors that you expect them to lay him off.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> The previous owner knew him, but he was only ever there once a month and probably wouldn’t have done anything. The new owners don’t know him well enough yet as the acquisition was literally within the last few weeks and they live out of state as well and are relying on the existing manager (who text me) to keep things running. The crew and manager all work together daily so obviously there’s some friendships there, which is why I would be surprised if anything happens. If the existing manager has to write him up I presume it would now have to be reported to the new owners since they run a more structured operation. But again, who knows.
> 
> My wife used to be this persons superior as well but took a different role under the new ownership. Which begs the question why didn’t she do anything about it when she did have direct authority over him? Perhaps that’s why he’s ramped it up lately because she no longer can do anything? My wife is the type to try to be on cool terms with everyone and not stir any drama, which is the most likely reason she didn’t make a big deal out of it. Knowing her as well as I do, I believe her and don’t think she’d risk everything we have for this guy.


I'm sure that is why he ramped it up. Because he could.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @OSUguy85
> 
> A (married) woman should NOT FLIRT with a man who is known to be flirtatious in office and otherwise. This is a matter of common sense. Your wife did NOT shut this man down. You caught her in the act instead.
> 
> ...


agreed, her responses via text were not appropriate. While I suppose the responses could have been much worse, she knows she screwed up and is regretting not handling this much sooner and letting it get to this point where she claims she basically just kept brushing it off as a joke. She claims she’s told him in person numerous times to stop.

I would think the existing manager would immediately terminate this guy given that if the new owners find out he didn’t handle it properly his job could be in jeopardy, but maybe he isn’t thinking that far ahead. I don’t want to be the one causing everyone to lose their jobs over this, but at the very least this guy should.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> The previous owner knew him, but he was only ever there once a month and probably wouldn’t have done anything. The new owners don’t know him well enough yet as the acquisition was literally within the last few weeks and they live out of state as well and are relying on the existing manager (who text me) to keep things running.* The crew and manager all work together daily so obviously there’s some friendships there, which is why I would be surprised if anything happens. If the existing manager has to write him up I presume it would now have to be reported to the new owners since they run a more structured operation. But again, who knows.*
> 
> My wife used to be this persons superior as well but took a different role under the new ownership. Which begs the question why didn’t she do anything about it when she did have direct authority over him? Perhaps that’s why he’s ramped it up lately because she no longer can do anything? My wife is the type to try to be on cool terms with everyone and not stir any drama, which is the most likely reason she didn’t make a big deal out of it. Knowing her as well as I do, I believe her and don’t think she’d risk everything we have for this guy.


It appears to me they are covering for him. Your wife should have shut this down and it appears she made a bad decision by not doing so and continued to engage but his texts are way over the top. Handle it now or you may live to regret not doing so. You have a choice.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure that is why he ramped it up. Because he could.


It's even possible that she did shut him down when she could, but now the power dynamics have changed he's trying to kid himself he's a "real" man.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

cp3o said:


> It's even possible that she did shut him down when she could, but now the power dynamics have changed he's trying to kid himself he's a "real" man.


The husband OP said in one of the posts above that she had tried to shut him down before.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> agreed, her responses via text were not appropriate. While I suppose the responses could have been much worse, she knows she screwed up and is regretting not handling this much sooner and letting it get to this point where she claims she basically just kept brushing it off as a joke. She claims she’s told him in person numerous times to stop.
> 
> I would think the existing manager would immediately terminate this guy given that if the new owners find out he didn’t handle it properly his job could be in jeopardy, but maybe he isn’t thinking that far ahead. I don’t want to be the one causing everyone to lose their jobs over this, but at the very least this guy should.


Nope, he said reprimand. Don’t underestimate the stupidity of friendships. It’s gone too far. 
If you want a good start to your married after this he can’t be near it. 
You aren’t responsible for this guy losing his job. His horrendous acts did that. Do you really want to put a hinderance in your marriage for someone like this? If it were me I’d contact the person who texted you and tell him he needs to do he right here or else you want to speak with the owners.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @OSUguy85
> 
> A (married) woman should NOT FLIRT with a man who is known to be flirtatious in office and otherwise. This is a matter of common sense. Your wife did NOT shut this man down. You caught her in the act instead.
> 
> ...


While his wife should have shut this down the perpetrators texts were way over the top. It’s sexual harassment and he should be terminated.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> The previous owner knew him, but he was only ever there once a month and probably wouldn’t have done anything. The new owners don’t know him well enough yet as the acquisition was literally within the last few weeks and they live out of state as well and are relying on the existing manager (who text me) to keep things running. The crew and manager all work together daily so obviously there’s some friendships there, which is why I would be surprised if anything happens. If the existing manager has to write him up I presume it would now have to be reported to the new owners since they run a more structured operation. But again, who knows.
> 
> My wife used to be this persons superior as well but took a different role under the new ownership. Which begs the question why didn’t she do anything about it when she did have direct authority over him? Perhaps that’s why he’s ramped it up lately because she no longer can do anything? My wife is the type to try to be on cool terms with everyone and not stir any drama, which is the most likely reason she didn’t make a big deal out of it. Knowing her as well as I do, *I believe her and don’t think she’d risk everything we have for this guy.*


So saidcevery guy that rugswepy that’s ever come here. You f do not want to know what usually happens.

your wife immediately went IN PRIVATE abd made a call to a coworker. That doesn’t strike you as wrong???????

she is not some naive little girl. Stop s as crying like it. There is no way you should let her continue to work with this guy, A reprimand after what he was saying in nlack and white with texts is not sufficient. 

Abd your wife isn’t innocent. At best she was enjoying his comments.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In OP's shoes I might go speak with an attorney experienced in employment issues and tort law to determine feasible options to obtain relief. OP and his marriage have been injured by the actions of a rogue employee accosting OP's wife.Tthe company and their management have been *negligent* over a long time period in facilitating a hostile workplace for her and all other females employed there. Damages would need to be determined in a courtroom.

These issues are dealt with by federal, state, and local entities and are no joke for a company running afoul of regulations. A "cease and desist" letter to the company owners and the manager from an attorney might go a long way toward permanently solving this whole issue. I bet the manager will dump the perp like a hot potato if he learns his own A$$ is on the line. He ain't gonna go down for his lowlife "friend".


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> So saidcevery guy that rugswepy that’s ever come here. You f do not want to know what usually happens.
> 
> your wife immediately went IN PRIVATE abd made a call to a coworker. That doesn’t strike you as wrong???????
> 
> ...


To be fair, we argued for awhile and she offered to call the guy and her coworker on the spot long before she went into the bathroom to cry.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

@OSUguy85 
Think back to your first post. You were so afraid to even say anything to your wife. You came through and did a great job. Don’t stop now. Settle this thing. You can do this. For you, your wife and your marriage. Hopefully nothing else comes out. 
I would ask her if there is anything else you should know.
Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> To be fair, we argued for awhile and she offered to call the guy and her coworker on the spot long before she went into the bathroom to cry.


Did you check phone records to see if she called anyone?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

OSUguy85 said:


> My wife approached me again in tears genuinely apologizing and asked if I wanted her to leave and stating she will change jobs as well if I want.
> 
> Maybe I’m wrong, I believe her. I don’t know how I’ll ever know for sure. Over the internet it sounds like a sure case of cheating, but in the actual circumstance it seems like she’s genuine and said she just handled it completely wrong taking it jokingly as a response instead of firm in order to not make her work environment awkward.
> 
> Still a lot of thinking to do.


She didn’t shut it down when it was happening.

She never reported it as sexually harassment. It isn’t harassment because she never told him to stop. The text messages show this and that she played along with it at times.

She can say what ever she wants now that she is caught. It’s to little to late, it should have been shut down form day one.

I have no clue where some of you are from and working. I have seen several situations where harassment, true and false, have gotten men fired and the accuser treated like a queen. The men were guilty on her words alone.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> In OP's shoes I might go speak with an attorney experienced in employment issues and tort law to determine feasible options to obtain relief. OP and his marriage have been injured by the actions of a rogue employee accosting OP's wife.Tthe company and their management have been *negligent* over a long time period in facilitating a hostile workplace for her and all other females employed there. Damages would need to be determined in a courtroom.
> 
> These issues are dealt with by federal, state, and local entities and are no joke for a company running afoul of regulations. A "cease and desist" letter to the company owners and the manager from an attorney might go a long way toward permanently solving this whole issue. I bet the manager will dump the perp like a hot potato if he learns his own A$$ is on the line. He ain't gonna go down for his lowlife "friend".


Im not sure this would fly in court given the way she responded to his advances. I feel like more proof is needed that she asked him to stop doing this before as she claims.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> She didn’t shut it down when it was happening.
> 
> She never reported it as sexually harassment. It isn’t harassment because she never told him to stop. The text messages show this and that she played along with it at times.
> 
> ...


His text messages are pretty damning,


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> To be fair, we argued for awhile and she offered to call the guy and her coworker on the spot long before she went into the bathroom to cry.


What did you argue about?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She’s crying because it’s crystal clear she has been caught. All she had to say is I don’t appreciate this kind of talk, I’m happily married, or **** the heck up or I’ll show this to my husband….. nearly anything. She implied that if Tom and Jerry weren’t in the room or else he could grab her ass. 

So I’ll ask: what are YOUR consequences for this guy?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> Im not sure this would fly in court given the way she responded to his advances. I feel like more proof is needed that she asked him to stop doing this before as she claims.


What you feel like isn't relevant. You don't know if there is a viable cause until you talk to an attorney. She (yes if possible get a female firebrand attorney) will tell you during consiltation if you and your wife do or don't have a case. Even if you don't, a letter from the attorney often raises the interest of the company receiving the letter.

Your wife was just trying to keep her job. She knew the boss was buddies with her tormentor.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure that is why he ramped it up. Because he could.


How about because she played along with it? Her text with him show this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> Im not sure this would fly in court given the way she responded to his advances. I feel like more proof is needed that she asked him to stop doing this before as she claims.


Or if he’s done this to others.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Nah. All I said was talk to her.
> 
> "Everyone" is giving you some variation of advice though the consensus is that the texts are highly inappropriate and harassing.
> 
> ...


Shut it down by first not initiating texts. No need to text the guy about an awesome sauce when you know how he is. 
No need to reply to all the texts that he sends.

so yup, I agree that she is enjoying the chase. In some cases she is instigating just enough to make sure he keeps chasing


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't see how you have a lawsuit with the company since there were no prior complaints to the company. I wouldn't waste your time and energy on a lawsuit on this. 

I think you need to follow your gut and not get all paranoid, maybe get some counseling, and then move on.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ABHale said:


> How about because she played along with it? Her text with home show this.


Why do you have to blame the woman on this when he's clearly the one doing the harassment?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> His text messages are pretty damning,


The text messages are nasty. There is no proof she ever told him to quit. She also goes along with some of the exchanges between them.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why do you have to blame the woman on this when he's clearly the one doing the harassment?


They are both to blame. Him for being a pig and her for not shutting it down and telling him to stop.

It isn’t harassment if she plays along.

I have heard women say things back to guys worse then what has been posted here. This is mild to some exchanges I have heard go on.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why do you have to blame the woman on this when he's clearly the one doing the harassment?


Because it’s always the woman’s fault, you know that! 😂 I hope the OP was able to get some help with this. I feel for his wife, I hope she’s able to find a new job and move on before this gets any worse. And I hope she’s learned a lesson about how to deal with this kind of thing. The second someone starts being inappropriate, go find a new job. It sucks but that’s the way it is.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s not sexual harassment if she doesn’t tell him to stop it, and all the OP has is his wife’s word that she did rebuff him in the past. Doesn’t look like that to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This talk about harassment is a diversion.

The facts remain that she never shut it down until OP found out and ripped into her for it. Then all of a sudden it is stopped cold. Damn is that all it took to stop this. OP’s wife even said that her and the other girl just laughed it off and didn’t think anything about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Because it’s always the woman’s fault, you know that! 😂 I hope the OP was able to get some help with this. I feel for his wife, I hope she’s able to find a new job and move on before this gets any worse. And I hope she’s learned a lesson about how to deal with this kind of thing. The second someone starts being inappropriate, go find a new job. It sucks but that’s the way it is.


Did you not read what OP said?

The part where his wife and the other girl laughed about it and didn’t think anything of it. She played along with him on the text messages, flirting back with him.

I never said a damn thing about it always being the women’s fault.

The thing is this, she is the one married to OP not the pig in the office.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> The text messages are nasty. There is no proof she ever told him to quit. She also goes along with some of the exchanges between them.


From what I saw at my work a supervisor mentioned a ladies ass. He got canned because of his text message.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Did you not read what OP said?
> 
> The part where his wife and the other girl laughed about it and didn’t think anything of it. She played along with him on the text messages, flirting back with him.
> 
> ...


This is why it’s pointless to report harassment. No one believes the woman wasn’t “asking for it.”


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> It’s not sexual harassment if she doesn’t tell him to stop it, and all the OP has is his wife’s word that she did rebuff him in the past. Doesn’t look like that to me.


I doubt it. But that’s probably an attorney question.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> While his wife should have shut this down the perpetrators texts were way over the top. It’s sexual harassment and he should be terminated.


I agree that his texts were way over the top. Refer back to post # 21 in page 2 of this thread.

*But* 'sexual harassment' can be _claimed_ when a woman did NOT welcome or entertain comments of sexual nature from a man in any capacity in a chat (or conversation).

The chat between the wife and her flirtatious co-worker falls in GREY ZONE unfortunately. The co-worker can challenge 'sexual harassment' charges through his attorney (if it comes down to this).

Anyways, the chat is sufficient to push for termination of this co-worker.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is why it’s pointless to report harassment. No one believes the woman wasn’t “asking for it.”


There’s been plenty of lawsuits won by plaintiffs over the last several years that nullifies your statement.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Do a search for workharassment.net


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It won’t be an issue for long. Based on the texts between her husband and the guy at her work, she’s fired. It’s a small firm. Won’t take more than a week for them to come up with justification and fire her. Nothing will happen to the guy.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> There’s been plenty of lawsuits won by plaintiffs over the last several years that nullifies your statement.


Won? Or settled? Those are different.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Won? Or settled? Those are different.


A settlement is a win for the plaintiff.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Won? Or settled? Those are different.


If a plaintiff gets a monetary settlement whats the difference? You should know this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> I agree that his texts were way over the top. Refer back to post # 21 in page 2 of in this thread.
> 
> *But* 'sexual harassment' can be _claimed_ when a woman did NOT welcome or entertain comments of sexual nature from a man in any capacity in a chat (or conversation).
> 
> ...


I’d bet if they investigate like they should she probably isn’t the only one.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Won? Or settled? Those are different.


My sister filed a malpractice suit. It was settled for over a million. She thought it was a win. 😎👏👏👏👏


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> Im not sure this would fly in court given the way she responded to his advances. I feel like more proof is needed that she asked him to stop doing this before as she claims.


That’s an attorney question.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> From what I saw at my work a supervisor mentioned a ladies ass. He got canned because of his text message.


We’re the text messages to her or another employee?

Did he use a company phone to send it? Most companies have very strict guidelines when it comes to the use of company phones. 

OP’s wife is flirting back with this guy in the text messages.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

At large companies like the ones I have been working at recently any accusation of harassment has the harasser put on suspension pending investigation. I have seen it happen a number of times and I have seen people get fired for it, one time even on the same day. We have anti retaliation hotlines and all kinds of stuff on the walls and also have to do mandatory training multiple times a year.

Now what the ladies are saying on here about getting “blacklisted” is a real thing, but also for the guys who get fired for harassment.

My mom had lots of problems in the 80s. She would tell my father and complain to HR. She complained about all kinds of stuff but harassment was one of the things. She never got outright fired but when she went out of the workforce and tried to come back she expects there was some retaliation there. Fortunately she had friends in her industry who thought the crap she put up with was unfair and they helped her. Her tolerance level for it was zero, she’s vicious and very vindictive so she’d go after people with gusto.


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

This is the most damaging part:

Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!

Her: lol oh my lord no.
Her: Mike and Aaron might still be there FYI

Because she is like alerting him that other co-workers could be there and nothing could be done.

OP, dig more. Something smells rotten in here. Recover those texts ASAP without informing her. I bet you have only the tip of the iceberg and the iceberg is a Titanic destroyer one.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> If a plaintiff gets a monetary settlement whats the difference? You should know this.


A settlement is “take this money and go away.” It’s not an admission. Most companies will offer a settlement to save money on legal costs. It doesn’t mean anything, really. My old company had a line item in the budget for settlements.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> My sister filed a malpractice suit. It was settled for over a million. She thought it was a win. 😎👏👏👏👏


It’s not a win. The doctor paid money to make it go away. I know it feels like a win, but in this case the doctor didn’t admit guilt.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is why it’s pointless to report harassment. No one believes the woman wasn’t “asking for it.”


Who said she was asking for it on this thread?

There is a night and day difference from OP’s wife stopping it from day one and letting her husband know about it. To nothing being said and done about it until OP confronted her about it.

Where in the world do you live? Even in East Tennessee harassment is taken seriously, even the false accusations.

I started work at this one place and was getting to know the people. One of the girls was telling me about the place and proceeded to tell me to not even joke around with a couple of the girls there. Then proceeded to tell me one of the dirtiest jokes I have ever heard. I turned beet red and we both started laughing. She never did tell a joke like that again to me.


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## marshy (Apr 1, 2021)




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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It’s not a win. The doctor paid money to make it go away. I know it feels like a win, but in this case the doctor didn’t admit guilt.


😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 Seriously?


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Despite the way she handled those texts being completely inappropriate, every single thing she’s done since being confronted suggests nothing has happened between them. 

-offered to call coworker and harasser on the spot.
-did not turn it back around on me like my previous cheating wife.
-did not question why I was in her phone
-relentlessly apologizing and offered to switch jobs
-sent me multiple long heart felt texts saying she can’t live without me and I’m her world and she doesn’t want to live if it’s not with me. Saying she completely handled it wrong and should have reported it.

I still believe she’s being truthful that nothing happened, but what I dont know is where it would have went if I just so happened to never have seen this. I’ve always trusted her and I think it was a bad lapse in judgement on her part and she enjoyed the extra attention from someone else. At the moment I’m unsure of how to move forward. Now that this guys boss is going to fire or reprimand him, she’s on the record as reporting sexual harassment and like others have pointed out she may lose job security over this especially considering this is the last thing the new owners are going to want to deal with. And she works in a male dominated environment.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣 Seriously?


I see we’ve entered the “you’re a stupid woman” phase of this discussion so I will step away. Enjoy crucifying this girl for handling this badly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> Despite the way she handled those texts being completely inappropriate, every single thing she’s done since being confronted suggests nothing has happened between them.
> 
> -offered to call coworker and harasser on the spot.
> -did not turn it back around on me like my previous cheating wife.
> ...


This barbarian thinks you have a good wife.

You both just need a tune up about boundaries.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> This barbarian thinks you have a good wife.
> 
> You both just need a tune up about boundaries.


I am no barbarian but believe OP has a good wife too. This turned out way better than it might have.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> At the moment I’m unsure of how to move forward.


How about relaxing a little and renewing the bond with your wife for starters. Take the win. You have dealt with this well, and her responses have been as good as you could expect. Your wife IMO is a keeper.

Then maybe look at the website mentioned.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I see we’ve entered the “you’re a stupid woman” phase of this discussion so I will step away. Enjoy crucifying this girl for handling this badly.


Please do. You said you were going to 50 messages ago.

OP, your wife doesn’t have to shut it down for it to be considered sexual harassment. My hope is that next time she will, with a coworker or anybody else looking to get into her pants. Unfortunately, you are now in the situation that you will need to keep checking her phone and phone records. It sucks having to play detective.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Being a marriage warden is a thankless task. I’d tell her she knows right from wrong. It’s up to her if she wants to be Mrs OP if not I’d help her pack.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> Despite the way she handled those texts being completely inappropriate, every single thing she’s done since being confronted suggests nothing has happened between them.
> 
> -offered to call coworker and harasser on the spot.
> -did not turn it back around on me like my previous cheating wife.
> ...


She should tell them she wants to stay there but not work with him. Even if it only turned out to be temporary, if she wanted to switch jobs it would be better if she was still working there. Because then even if they would tell a potential employer or something, the potential employer would still know she was not fired or anything. The other thing is when you're still working someplace and you're looking to switch jobs, it's perfectly fine to tell them no they can't call this employer because you're still working there. Now they could hire her and then call afterward and maybe get an earful, but it's not likely. 

This company is so small that I doubt they have any sort of HR person so that does sort of make it more dangerous that they might say something damaging where HR will usually recommend that they don't give any information or recommendations other than start and end time that the employee was there. But this place is small so I doubt if they follow any of the standards or they never would have let that guy go on all this time to begin with..

So yeah she should try to stay. She would have some leverage to stay because they shouldn't want to get rid of her because she had to report sexual harassment. And then once she is staying there she can see what the attitude and everything is and decide if she wants to look for another job while she's still employed there which would give her an advantage.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> Despite the way she handled those texts being completely inappropriate, every single thing she’s done since being confronted suggests nothing has happened between them.
> 
> -offered to call coworker and harasser on the spot.
> -did not turn it back around on me like my previous cheating wife.
> ...


I would bring up the fact to her, that now you wonder how far she would have let this go if you had not have interrupted it. 

The fact she brought up other coworkers when he made the statement he did as an excuse why she could not go there, was in no way shutting him down....it was a "We could get caught" so she was keeping the ego kibbles going. 

I would speak to the new owners about the guy. If a SH complaint is filed and they fire her, they open themselves to a retaliation suit.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> Im not sure this would fly in court given the way she responded to his advances. I feel like more proof is needed that she asked him to stop doing this before as she claims.


Or other witnesses at work who will testify to his behavior either at work or through texting. Usually it will be only ex employees who would help.

Honestly I wouldn't let this take over my life and tie up a bunch of time and money getting back at him if they will just do what they're supposed to do at the company and leave your wife in place and either get him out of her face or out of the office entirely. It's just more aggravation.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If his wife responded to this guy by flirting back, which her text to him shows she did, it isn’t sexual harassment.

I honestly don’t believe it meant anything to her. When she said she just laughed it off and didn’t think anything of it I believe that. I have seen other women do the same, they could care less about it.

I don’t think she meant to hurt you or break your trust OP. I hope you find a way through this and come out stronger as a couple.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OSUguy85 said:


> Her behavior towards me has not changed in the slightest. I would honestly have had no clue any of this was going on otherwise.
> 
> I may try to get my hands on her phone one more time today to see if there’s anything deeper in the text history and whether there is or isn’t I prefer to confront her with her own phone rather than pictures of her texts.
> 
> I’m anticipating she will relentlessly apologize and cry and say she’s really sorry and nothing is going on. At which point we will need to permanently address why she handled it the way she did and how we’re handling it from this point forward.


Don't. Tell her to figure it out. If your wife really is "little bo peep" it's time for her to grow up. This whole treating your wife like a child just enables this ****. Treat her like an adult who **** up, let her figure out how to make it right. Tell her you don't want to have to police your wife like she is a little kid, she should know better. The bottom line is people who treat their spouses like children end up with spouses who act like children. And spoiled ones at that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OSUguy85 said:


> Despite the way she handled those texts being completely inappropriate, every single thing she’s done since being confronted suggests nothing has happened between them.
> 
> -offered to call coworker and harasser on the spot.
> -did not turn it back around on me like my previous cheating wife.
> ...


OK, I caught up, I would be right where you are. I agree with this post. Time to call it a night. I would purposely be cold for a few days and let her set with it. Probably won't happen again. If it ever did though then it's time to have a rethink. When it comes to this stuff, I think Men don't have a lot of context on what it is to be a women and have your boss make a pass at you. It's got to suck. Not saying how she handled it was right but then again, not everyone is going to go in there guns blazing.

I agree with the some of the other posters, after everything calms down I think you both should have a discussion about boundaries. 

Finally my non-conventional advice to you would be, as you said seems like she probably liked the attention even if she didn't act on it. Once you feel better about this I suggest you flirt with her, she like it. Nothing wrong with figuring out what your wife likes and providing it from her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).

*Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday 

Her: haha oh I’m sure you are.*

Following day;

Her: so that company that makes a really good japanese ginger sauce I showed you also makes a really good yum yum sauce.

Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k

Her: *haha lol*. Yessss it’s so good!

Him: Wyd? U alone?

Her: I’m at home. I had to run to the office and now I’m back. I had to start making calls in about 10 minutes.

Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back*! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!*

Her: lol oh my lord no.
*Her: Mike and Aaron might still be there FYI*

Him: **** them. I wanna see you k!
Him: been thinking about running my hand across that fat ass since I talked to you yesterday.

Her: I am not driving back up there. Lol omg. You are ridiculous.



This is not the back and forth of a guy chasing a woman and a woman that’s resisting his advances.

This is consecutive days they’ve talked. She laughs and giggles. It’s not about work. It’s about seeing her and feeling of her ass.
Her response: Basically not since Mike abd AaRon are there.

I totally disagree that she is just a poor harassed wifey that was “laughing it off”.

OP is not wanting to give any consequences because he’s scared wifey will eventually get upset and decide he’s no fun.

Do you have the password to her phone?
Then take it to an expert and get all her deleted texts and found out how many times Mr Creep has had his hand on your wife’s ass, because quite clearly he has before.

Your wife is no angel and this is gonna come back to haunt the OP.

JMO.. 
and it’s the last one I’ll give.
Good luck OP, 
You’re gonna need it.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).
> 
> *Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday
> 
> ...


she said he’s made off-handed comments every so often like this for a while, but it really ramped up over the last month with the new owner being gone and with her no longer being over him. With her being unable to do anything about it herself, she passed it off as a joke and tried to brush it off with short quick comments and has profusely apologized for her mishandling of the situation.
Regarding her comment about those two people being back at the shop, she says is taken out of context and it was simply to let him know who was there since he was heading there for supplies. 

she knows how it looks, I know how it looks. I dont Think there’s enough here for me to justify breaking this up and starting over. She was even to the point of talking about taking her life. 

She is either sincerely sorry or a compulsive liar. If it was the latter, I would think I’d have caught her in other lies 9 years into this relationship and I never have.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> OK, I caught up, I would be right where you are. I agree with this post. Time to call it a night. I would purposely be cold for a few days and let her set with it. Probably won't happen again. If it ever did though then it's time to have a rethink. When it comes to this stuff, I think Men don't have a lot of context on what it is to be a women and have your boss make a pass at you. It's got to suck. Not saying how she handled it was right but then again, not everyone is going to go in there guns blazing.
> 
> I agree with the some of the other posters, after everything calms down I think you both should have a discussion about boundaries.
> 
> Finally my non-conventional advice to you would be, as you said seems like she probably liked the attention even if she didn't act on it. Once you feel better about this I suggest you flirt with her, she like it. Nothing wrong with figuring out what your wife likes and providing it from her.


I can assure you there’s no lack of affection and flirting.

I do plan to have some more of these discussions with her. For now I left it at “I need some time”.


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## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

OSUguy85 said:


> she said he’s made off-handed comments every so often like this for a while, but it really ramped up over the last month with the new owner being gone and with her no longer being over him. With her being unable to do anything about it herself, she passed it off as a joke and tried to brush it off with short quick comments and has profusely apologized for her mishandling of the situation.
> Regarding her comment about those two people being back at the shop, she says is taken out of context and it was simply to let him know who was there since he was heading there for supplies.
> 
> she knows how it looks, I know how it looks. I dont Think there’s enough here for me to justify breaking this up and starting over. She was even to the point of talking about taking her life.
> ...


If you want to be sure, get those deleted texts. Dig more OP. Probably is nothing, but the collective wisdom of Talkaboutmarriage doesn't want you to get the trickle truth mark.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I see we’ve entered the “you’re a stupid woman” phase of this discussion so I will step away. Enjoy crucifying this girl for handling this badly.


Good grief… questioning your opinion does not equal “you’re a stupid woman.” 

People questioning or criticizing your opinion rarely has anything to do with your gender. 
You’re not a victim and there aren’t misogynists hiding behind every tree trying to oppress you.

Learn to accept questions, criticism and sarcasm without constantly playing the “victim of misogyny” card. 
It’s rarely warranted and gets very tiresome.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OSUguy85 said:


> I can assure you there’s no lack of affection and flirting.
> 
> I do plan to have some more of these discussions with her. For now I left it at “I need some time”.


That's good. Let her sit with the weight of consequences for a while.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello OP. Here are my thoughts on this matter having worked in many similar environments (as well as larger corporates):

Nothing happened between your wife and this douchebag. She has been honest with you and is genuinely concerned about your feelings on this matter - very good thing.

She did not want to be seen as weak or not being able to cope by the rest of the office and certainly did not want to make a huge deal of this. The comment that Mike and Aaron might be there was in fact a warning to him, It did not work.

This douchebag is worse than most and needs to have his ass kicked. I agree nothing more than a reprimand is likely to be given to him. However, a number of complaints from other workers all together could get him fired which is the minimum thing that needs to happen for him to learn anything from this.

Yes your wife should build up the ability to shut these things down firmly regardless of what the rest of the office thinks.

My advice is to work with her in building these skills and appreciate her for the good in her.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

OSUguy85 said:


> she said he’s made off-handed comments every so often like this for a while, but it really ramped up over the last month with the new owner being gone and with her no longer being over him. With her being unable to do anything about it herself, she passed it off as a joke and tried to brush it off with short quick comments and has profusely apologized for her mishandling of the situation.
> Regarding her comment about those two people being back at the shop, she says is taken out of context and it was simply to let him know who was there since he was heading there for supplies.
> 
> she knows how it looks, I know how it looks. I dont Think there’s enough here for me to justify breaking this up and starting over. She was even to the point of talking about taking her life.
> ...


You do NOT have to break your marriage and start over. Your wife is remorseful and have apologized to you. Tell her to NOT talk about taking her life - this is even more hurtful.

You may rebuild your marriage with her (no problem). Why destroy something when it can be salvaged and made better than before?

You should, however, know [for general knowledge sake] that (some) cheaters are known to lie and trickle-truth to minimize consequences for them when caught.

You should try to recover those deleted texts just to be sure what they were. Do this on your own.

You also mentioned that the flirtatious co-worker has a wife (or GF)? She does NOT likes your wife, right? Why not reach out to this woman and see what she has to tell you? You can also provide her an update. This can be helpful to her (and you).

Point is to *complete your investigation* to be sure about everything in order to help you move forward and CORRECT your own lapses in judgement in relation to your wife and marriage. 

Stick to following measures meanwhile:

1. Tell your wife to *never* FLIRT with her male co-worker(s) again. This is common sense.

2. Make sure that your wife will not talk to her POS co-worker *again*.

3. Reach out to the manager [who texted you] to determine how they will FIX THIS PROBLEM and what they can do to keep your wife away from her POS co-worker.

Best of luck.

But keep us informed for a while.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This is why it’s pointless to report harassment. No one believes the woman wasn’t “asking for it.”


This statement is just WRONG!!

Also, what you're saying is women won't believe the woman reporting the harassment. In my experience, most HR Director's/Mgrs are women.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Guys I understand what some of you are saying about sexual harassment, but please for the love of god where is the harassment in these text exchange:



OSUguy85 said:


> Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).
> 
> Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday
> 
> ...


Where did she tell him to stop and he didn't?
Yes inappropriate, and maybe workplace misconduct but sexual harassment?!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Warning *Please cease threadjacking with pointless debates about law cases that have ZERO relevance to this thread.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

I think she’s in damage limitation mode. Her text responses were not appropriate, especially when he said he wanted to feel/see that ass, she replied that others would be there. That‘s not the response I’d want to see from OP’s position.

I don’t believe she told him to stop in person either. If you really wanted it to stop, you would want proof that you asked them to stop.

I also don’t believe she’d be terminated for ANY reason right after filing a sexual harassment complaint. Company won’t want to open themselves to a wrongful dismissal lawsuit.

1. Recover any deleted texts, 
2. He’s gone or she quits and finds a new job.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But this place is small so I doubt if they follow any of the standards or they never would have let that guy go on all this time to begin with..


The key is, another company just bought them. And that company is likely looking to put their people into key positions ( or all positions). They will be more prone to clean up this mess than the previous owner was. Who wants a harasser working for them? He obviously has too much time on his hands.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> she said he’s made off-handed comments every so often like this for a while, but it really ramped up over the last month with the new owner being gone and with her no longer being over him. With her being unable to do anything about it herself, she passed it off as a joke and tried to brush it off with short quick comments and has profusely apologized for her mishandling of the situation.
> Regarding her comment about those two people being back at the shop, she says is taken out of context and it was simply to let him know who was there since he was heading there for supplies.
> 
> she knows how it looks, I know how it looks. I dont Think there’s enough here for me to justify breaking this up and starting over. She was even to the point of talking about taking her life.
> ...



Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k

Her: haha lol. Yessss it’s so good!

Him: Wyd? U alone?

This is damning also. This is very sexual comment and she was engaging and perpetuating the Convo.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Him: you gonna let me taste 👅
> Him: lol…it’s probably good as f**k
> 
> Her: haha lol. Yessss it’s so good!
> ...


And if Mike and Aaron weren’t there, would she have gone back?

It‘s the only reason she gave for not going back….🤔


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

This whole thing rubs me wrong. Her mentioning suicide over texts she claims are innocent screams deflection or guilt. The mentioned her butt twice and rather than not commenting or saying stop she egged him on. Something’s off


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

manwithnoname said:


> I think she’s in damage limitation mode. Her text responses were not appropriate, especially when he said he wanted to feel/see that ass, she replied that others would be there. That‘s not the response I’d want to see from OP’s position.
> 
> I don’t believe she told him to stop in person either. If you really wanted it to stop, you would want proof that you asked them to stop.
> 
> ...


As mentioned earlier the text about the two people being at the office was according to her “out of context”. She said she was letting him know who was there since he was heading there to get supplies. It still doesn’t seem right in my head, but I’ve never seen this woman goto the lengths she has to prove otherwise. She had a pretty bad panic attack last night and was having extreme difficulty breathing to the point I thought I may need to call the ambulance - it definitely was not an act. I feel horrible watching her suffer like this but I cant just flip a switch in my head and say everything’s better.

I told her it’s going to take some time.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Here’s the thing. Creeps exist. People get crushes. All that’s true. I can’t imagine having a coworker text me twice the same day about my ass and joke about it with him and egg it on,Maybe, and this is a huge stretch, if a long time friend of my husband and mine made an obvious joke that was funny to all of us….. but that would be a stretch. I think she was flirting and got caught. Maybe later she realized it was stupid and there was nothing more than dumb comments, but she’s not helping herself. I’ll tell you this much… if my husband made comments like the dude did I’d be out the door,


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What does it matter who’s there?that makes no sense. I don’t care who’s at work if I go in.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

OSUguy85 said:


> As mentioned earlier the text about the two people being at the office was according to her “out of context”. She said she was letting him know who was there since he was heading there to get supplies. It still doesn’t seem right in my head, but I’ve never seen this woman goto the lengths she has to prove otherwise. She had a pretty bad panic attack last night and was having extreme difficulty breathing to the point I thought I may need to call the ambulance - it definitely was not an act. I feel horrible watching her suffer like this but I cant just flip a switch in my head and say everything’s better.
> 
> I told her it’s going to take some time.


Her saying it was out of context is an attempt to justify a statement that doesn’t support her stance of not wanting this type of interaction. It doesn’t seem right in your head, because it doesn’t make sense.

Take your time to digest all that’s happened.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

OSUguy85 said:


> she said he’s made off-handed comments every so often like this for a while, but it really ramped up over the last month with the new owner being gone and with her no longer being over him. With her being unable to do anything about it herself, she passed it off as a joke and tried to brush it off with short quick comments and has profusely apologized for her mishandling of the situation.
> Regarding her comment about those two people being back at the shop, she says is taken out of context and it was simply to let him know who was there since he was heading there for supplies.
> 
> she knows how it looks, I know how it looks. I dont Think there’s enough here for me to justify breaking this up and starting over. She was even to the point of talking about taking her life.
> ...


I still think it is worth getting the deleted text. This not just some dude crossing the line with vulgar comments, she was also engaging him. From what you shared, she was coyly flirting and it seemed like this guy may have felt up her ass recently.

As for her not knowing how to react because of the new management, I don’t buy that. This has been going on much longer than the last month. Why do you think the dude’s wife doesn’t like your wife. Don’t blow that red flag off. Women are more perceptive about these things than us men. His wife got a vibe about your wife years ago.

Talking about ending herself seems really over the top for being caught flirting? Get those text because it seems that something is still off .


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

snowbum said:


> What does it matter who’s there?that makes no sense. I don’t care who’s at work if I go in.


It only matters if any ass touching might take place.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

You will never have a better time to recover the deleted texts. Continuing to use the phone degrades your chances, as new information gets written on the top of the deleted stuff that happens to be laying dormant.

You think now attempting to recover deleted texts is hostile to saving your marriage. Four years from now, you may find yourself with serious doubts about what has happened before this discovery, and yet you will have no information available to you to resolve those doubts. If so, then you may feel letting evidence — good or bad — slip away is what really was hostile towards your marriage.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He mentioned it three times. 3. She never said to knock it off. That’s not right.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

His wife doesn’t like her for good reason. I’ve met three women I didn’t like in the past 30 years. They all hit on my boyfriend now husband. They are not in our life. Women know if someone else is into the spouse.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

In my humble opinion, when she not only doesn't shut it down (his vulgar comments), but also plays along with him and thus encourages it, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this being sexual harassment. 

She mentioned taking her life?? Over this? When she's supposedly innocent? Something isn't right here. I think she knows there's more to the story and she doesn't want OP to know.

This dude may be fired, and if he is, given the dialog between the two them, he isn't going to go down without a fight. What proof does he have? What texts does he have?

Maybe this is why your wife is having panic attacks and threatening to take her life?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Her job, and her future employability, may be at risk if it becomes known she was “over him” and knew he was harassing the other woman, and did nothing about it.

She may have something to gain from texting him now, and stating unambiguously that his behavior is inappropriate and he must stop it. At least, if his behavior continues, it is on record (of sorts) she has tried to put an end to his behavior.

Some of these are legal questions it’s dangerous for us lay people to try to answer.

I recently had my annual training. There was room in the “acceptable ways to handle it” to not directly push back on the aggressor. Whether her “lol” disqualifies her from such protection under the law, I couldn’t say.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> And then another message from my wife that I’d rather not share word for word, but basically saying he has done this to her and another female coworker and they didn’t take it seriously and laughed it off when she should have been firm.
> 
> She then goes on being pretty sincere that she would Never do anything to hurt me and once again swears on her families life nothing has happened and begging me to believe her, saying she would never do anything to ruin what we have and goes on talking about how much she loves me and she can’t lose me or live without me.
> ——-
> it’s hard sharing this because of all the emotions at the moment. I need to process everything.


I haven't read through the comments beyond this one yet, but I would suggest you remain firm on your stance, but also try to be sympathetic to her position. Especially since she seem very sincere about the situation. She has been enduring sexual harassment from this a-hole making her work environment more stressful than it should be. Now that a-hole's actions have spilled over into her personal life putting her marriage in jeopardy. The bad guy in this whole situation is the a-hole coworker. If they don't fire him I think it would be a good idea for your wife to look for employment elsewhere if that is an option.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sideways said:


> In my humble opinion, when she not only doesn't shut it down (his vulgar comments), but also plays along with him and thus encourages it, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around this being sexual harassment.
> 
> She mentioned taking her life?? Over this? When she's supposedly innocent? Something isn't right here. I think she knows there's more to the story and she doesn't want OP to know.
> 
> ...


I agree. This doesn't look like harassment, at all. Please recover texts so you can get the whole picture. I think you might find a whole lot of mutual flirting and maybe evidence the flirting was physical.
I thunk your eye is freaking out because you are pushing very work to deal with it as harassment, but she knew I'd looked indy there is evidence to pint to the absolute contrary. 

Massive red flag was that after you confronted her she went into the bathroom with her phone and contacted work people in private so you could not hear.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Her tolerance level for it was zero, she’s vicious and very vindictive so she’d go after people with gusto.


Your mother was and is a hero to working women. The eighties were a particularly nasty decade in the work force. It took vicious and vindictive to effect any change in men's behavior. Of course, your mom had your dad to fall back on economically. Many single working moms couldn't afford to risk being fired so they didn't make waves. 

One of the reasons so many women seek a college degree these days is because the time-honored way of advancing in your career by sleeping your way up the ladder is no longer available thanks to the harassment laws.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't understand why it is so important to the OP that his wife keep this particular job. What is so special about it?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> They really don't. They cover their ass.


Which is why I think these days most companies don't hesitate to fire a person that has a plausible harassment charge reported against them. This is especially true if the person being accused is not part of any protected group. The company knows they will look a lot worse if they ignore a woman's harassment complaint vs firing a white, under 50 man.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

OP, sorry if you answered this already, do you work from home or an office?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

cocolo2019 said:


> This is the most damaging part:
> 
> Him: damn!!! I’m running to the shop now. Go back! I wanna feel I mean see that ass!
> 
> ...


I took that text of hers completely different. She said no to the feeling her ass and the comment about the others being there, were because this a-hole said he was going in. I presumed that to mean she knew he was going in to do work and that hey would be there too.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Here, based on all of what has developed per OP. I just can't see where was she doing anything other than handling the POS like so many women do in the workplace...passively. Most women are not as direct and confrontational with men. We dudes (with the exception of those pushover) are a whole lot more ready to confront immediately, upon a perceive offence, women tend to retrieve and deflect when confronted with disrespect. 

That she didn't handle the situation correctly it's understood, but I don't see any intent for her looking for "something". As an old man that has see it all in the workplace, I can see the "bartering" in those texts, as that... her bartering to deflect, a very typical female response, which is my experience throughout life when observing these things in the workplace. I think too many people here are seeing more than what it actually is.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Look, we can read into the details a million different ways and all derive different conclusions. Based on just the black and white text I shared over the internet it looks bad, and I’d probably think the same way as a lot of you on that basis alone.

But I know this woman better than anyone and have full context of the situation and I firmly believe nothing has happened between them. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to investigate further, but I am sure she just had a lapse in judgement and handled it the way she did as a joke to keep things from being awkward, and yeah maybe she did like the outside attention a bit. 

Her comment in regards to taking her life can be viewed many different ways. Under the context I know her, it’s simply because she know she potentially blew up her world over something so stupid. I would imagine any woman who was innocent and just handled a situation poorly and found their world in jeopardy would be extremely upset themselves. Not that she’s completely innocent, but she didn’t cheat and I’m sure of it.

this really sucks, my heart dropped through my chest when I read those texts and it’s still there. I’ve been sick to my stomach since then and feel the pressure on my chest from the stress - and I’m a pretty healthy and active person. I sincerely hope we can look back on this in the not too distant future and agree we are stronger because of it.

I may need to close this thread at this point, as the flood of new comments circling back and going through everything over and over is becoming really unhealthy for me mentally. Every time I feel like I’m starting to feel ok, I hop on here and there’s a handful of new comments going back through everything again and again. 

im trying to move forward from here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The problem here is that they’re not at work! They are having these conversations after work. OP’s wife doesn’t have to answer his texts, she’s choosing to. 
She’s pulling the suicide card of THIS? 
I believe now that the cat is out of the bag, she’s worried further research is going to prove out there was a lot more than flirting going on here, and OP’s wife is scared as heck what’s going to come to light as a result.

There is no other explanation for her crazy reaction. Anyone who believes this is harassment and one sided must be illiterate.

One thing is certain, OP’s wife is not experienced at cheating or she’d have deleted all that, she isn’t emotionally invested in the a-hole, and she does care that OP thinks.

The problem is something bad has taken place with this guy. Otherwise the wife’s reaction wouldn’t be so desperate.

recover deleted texts for the truth. Or hurt be patient. Truth is headed your way, and you’re not going to like it.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> Look, we can read into the details a million different ways and all derive different conclusions. Based on just the black and white text I shared over the internet it looks bad, and I’d probably think the same way as a lot of you on that basis alone.
> 
> But I know this woman better than anyone and have full context of the situation and I firmly believe nothing has happened between them. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to investigate further, but I am sure she just had a lapse in judgement and handled it the way she did as a joke to keep things from being awkward, and yeah maybe she did like the outside attention a bit.
> 
> ...


I think it's pretty simple, just my 2 cents. Your wife had poor boundaries with this turd. She didn't shut his talk down, probably bc she didn't want to cause a big conflict at the small company, and she liked the attention, that's just human nature. I don't believe she did anything physical with him, and I don't believe she had any intentions. I think you two just need to discuss relationship boundaries and move on. Work through it, don't rug sweep it, it won't be easy but nothing in life rarely is. You love her, she loves you, no need to destroy something you both want to keep and let thrive. Again just my 2 cents.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> Look, we can read into the details a million different ways and all derive different conclusions. Based on just the black and white text I shared over the internet it looks bad, and I’d probably think the same way as a lot of you on that basis alone.
> 
> But I know this woman better than anyone and have full context of the situation and I firmly believe nothing has happened between them. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to investigate further, but I am sure she just had a lapse in judgement and handled it the way she did as a joke to keep things from being awkward, and yeah maybe she did like the outside attention a bit.
> 
> ...


You do need a filter here sometimes, you will hear a lot that makes you uncomfortable. That doesn't mean you shouldn't hear it. You should move forward, but do it with as much knowledge as possible.

IMO she didn't handle the a-hole's behavior properly, but it is real easy for us as Monday morning quarterbacks to say what should have been done differently. I think she was just trying to get along at work as best as she could. And in a small company like that I doubt she or the others have any kind of workplace harassment training. I also doubt they have a formal complaint process like larger companies are required. Some people don't know the correct way to handle these situations.

Unless your wife's job is the main money maker for the family and given the fact that she is will to leave to save the marriage I think she should push the harassment angle. All she has to lose is the job she is already willing to walk away from to keep you. The other coworker know this guy is an ass. He won't ever learn to change if he doesn't pay a real consequence.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Captain Obvious said:


> I think it's pretty simple, just my 2 cents. Your wife had poor boundaries with this turd. She didn't shut his talk down, probably bc she didn't want to cause a big conflict at the small company, and she liked the attention, that's just human nature. I don't believe she did anything physical with him, and I don't believe she had any intentions. I think you two just need to discuss relationship boundaries and move on. Work through it, don't rug sweep it, it won't be easy but nothing in life rarely is. You love her, she loves you, no need to destroy something you both want to keep and let thrive. Again just my 2 cents.


I have to second this. Sums up the whole situation very well.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> The problem here is that they’re not at work! They are having these conversations after work. OP’s wife doesn’t have to answer his texts, she’s choosing to.
> She’s pulling the suicide card of THIS?
> I believe now that the cat is out of the bag, she’s worried further research is going to prove out there was a lot more than flirting going on here, and OP’s wife is scared as heck what’s going to come to light as a result.
> 
> ...



I completely disagree, her reaction seems plausible for someone who loves their husband and made a mistake handling an aggressive coworker and now risks restarting their entire life over it. 

it’s not that she’s not experienced at cheating, it’s that she did NOT cheat. Her responses are not cheating, but they are inappropriate on all accounts.

We both have a lot going for us in this marriage and I sincerely doubt she’d risk that for this low life POS. Things just got increasingly flirty over time and boundaries were continuously pushed by this guy, nothing has happened between them and thankfully I found this before it got even more out of hand. More investigation will be done, but I’m moving forward under the impression she has not cheated unless I find otherwise.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like the OP is having some mental health issues. 

I wish you well and hope I haven't added to your distress.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OSUguy85 said:


> I completely disagree, her reaction seems plausible for someone who loves their husband and made a mistake handling an aggressive coworker and now risks restarting their entire life over it.
> 
> it’s not that she’s not experienced at cheating, it’s that she did NOT cheat. Her responses are not cheating, but they are inappropriate on all accounts.
> 
> We both have a lot going for us in this marriage and I sincerely doubt she’d risk that for this low life POS. Things just got increasingly flirty over time and boundaries were continuously pushed by this guy, nothing has happened between them and thankfully I found this before it got even more out of hand. More investigation will be done, but I’m moving forward under the impression she has not cheated unless I find otherwise.


You can disagree man, but that won't make it less true. As hard as it seems, you will be much happier if you address the truths and plan your own future life without a cheater.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OSUguy85 said:


> I completely disagree, her reaction seems plausible for someone who loves their husband and made a mistake handling an aggressive coworker and now risks restarting their entire life over it.
> 
> it’s not that she’s not experienced at cheating, it’s that she did NOT cheat. Her responses are not cheating, but they are inappropriate on all accounts.
> 
> We both have a lot going for us in this marriage and I sincerely doubt she’d risk that for this low life POS. Things just got increasingly flirty over time and boundaries were continuously pushed by this guy, nothing has happened between them and thankfully I found this before it got even more out of hand. More investigation will be done, but I’m moving forward under the impression she has not cheated unless I find otherwise.


I sincerely hope you’re right. But I have read abd seen countless cases where the spouse “knew she wasn’t that kind of person”….
They were very wrong.

something I see positive:
Your wife immediately let you have her phone… cheaters guard that with their life. So hopefully you’re correct.

If you see deleted texts and find nothing damning, you might have put the fear into her and you might be ok.
I hope that for you.

But, this wasn’t one sided. Show some gumption and send what you saw to the a-hole’s wife. Don’t you think you’ve has your fair share of worry over this? Let him sweat a while.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Here, based on all of what has developed per OP. I just can't see where was she doing anything other than handling the POS like so many women do in the workplace...passively. Most women are not as direct and confrontational with men. We dudes (with the exception of those pushover) are a whole lot more ready to confront immediately, upon a perceive offence, women tend to retrieve and deflect when confronted with disrespect.


This got me to thinking.....

Around here the women are as blunt and cocky as anywhere I have ever visited and I have been literally everywhere in this country...They will absolutely put any guy in his place in no time flat...They don't get intimidated or wishy washy...But is it possible that in other locales, they would be less direct and more passive, as you say, I believe so....


And while there is no debate that she didn't handle this right(and may possibly have even enjoyed or tacitly encouraged it), I think a lot of guys like to be so vigilant of their wives without realizing that they may well have acted the same(or even worse) if the tables turned...Lets say a guy(married or not) decides to start working out and getting into shape.. He shows up to work one day and one or more of the ladies in the office throws a comment about how buff he looks or how great his arms look, etc.......You think for a minute that guy is going to immediately shut her down? Probably never happen, lol.......Not excusing it, but lust a thought...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> Look, we can read into the details a million different ways and all derive different conclusions. Based on just the black and white text I shared over the internet it looks bad, and I’d probably think the same way as a lot of you on that basis alone.
> 
> But I know this woman better than anyone and have full context of the situation and I firmly believe nothing has happened between them. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to investigate further, but I am sure she just had a lapse in judgement and handled it the way she did as a joke to keep things from being awkward, and yeah maybe she did like the outside attention a bit.
> 
> ...


You ought to stay away from this thread for awhile. I think the mods can lock it for you if that helps you. And comfort your wife, get her mood calmed down. A person threatening self-harm is not to be taken lightly. Personally I would pay close attention to this.


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## OSUguy85 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> You ought to stay away from this thread for awhile. I think the mods can lock it for you if that helps you


she also informed me she blocked this guys number and told his boss (her coworker) that she does not want any communication with him at all whatsoever. She also sent another long heart felt text begging me to believe her and saying she will fight and do whatever it takes to keep this marriage going and not backing down. 

I appreciate everyones advice and it has helped overall. But for my own mental health, can we get a mod to lock this thread?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

OSUguy85 said:


> I completely disagree, her reaction seems plausible for someone who loves their husband and made a mistake handling an aggressive coworker and now risks restarting their entire life over it.
> 
> it’s not that she’s not experienced at cheating, it’s that she did NOT cheat. Her responses are not cheating, but they are inappropriate on all accounts.
> 
> We both have a lot going for us in this marriage and I sincerely doubt she’d risk that for this low life POS. Things just got increasingly flirty over time and boundaries were continuously pushed by this guy, nothing has happened between them and thankfully I found this before it got even more out of hand. More investigation will be done, but I’m moving forward under the impression she has not cheated unless I find otherwise.


@OSUguy85 you need to understand that some posters here went through a horrible divorce in their marriage because of infidelity, some found out by an innocent texts, some found out that one of their kids are not his by hearing his wife joke with her female friend!

You get the idea, you need to filter what works for you, at the end, you know your wife better than anyone here, and yes the majority here are saying she didn't cheat, but you also need to recover the deleted text to have peace of mind and put every thing to rest, you will need that to feel safe and secure in your relationship!

BTW, You handled it very very well!
You just need to sit with your wife and have firm boundaries going forward!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OSUguy85 said:


> she also informed me she blocked this guys number and told his boss (her coworker) that she does not want any communication with him at all whatsoever. She also sent another long heart felt text begging me to believe her and saying she will fight and do whatever it takes to keep this marriage going and not backing down.
> 
> I appreciate everyones advice and it has helped overall. But for my own mental health, can we get a mod to lock this thread?


Dude if you are having such a hard time conversing with those here, that are understanding and on your side, that may be a sign you need to adjust your perspective just a bit in conversing with your W.

If locking helps, good, and understandable, ok, just help yourself a bit too. Thats ok.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

OSUguy85 said:


> she also informed me she blocked this guys number and told his boss (her coworker) that she does not want any communication with him at all whatsoever. She also sent another long heart felt text begging me to believe her and saying she will fight and do whatever it takes to keep this marriage going and not backing down.
> 
> I appreciate everyones advice and it has helped overall. But for my own mental health, can we get a mod to lock this thread?


You can message @EleGirl or @MattMatt and they should be able to help.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Captain Obvious said:


> I think it's pretty simple, just my 2 cents. Your wife had poor boundaries with this turd. She didn't shut his talk down, probably bc she didn't want to cause a big conflict at the small company, and she liked the attention, that's just human nature. I don't believe she did anything physical with him, and I don't believe she had any intentions. I think you two just need to discuss relationship boundaries and move on. Work through it, don't rug sweep it, it won't be easy but nothing in life rarely is. You love her, she loves you, no need to destroy something you both want to keep and let thrive. Again just my 2 cents.


I agree with this. 

Nothing really there that she cheated (from what you've posted). As Captain Obvious mentioned she definitely had poor boundaries. If you believe her (that she didn't cheat) why in the world is she mentioning taking her life? 

Certainly understand being pi$$ed off that my wife didn't shut this down but divorce her over this?

OP, I know some of the comments hurt to hear. If you need to take a break for a few days or so please do however I wouldn't leave completely. You and your wife will get through this but the mind is a tricky thing and can play with you. 

The thoughts will rear their head at some point ("why didn't she shut this down" + "did she really enjoy the attention" and "how has she handled other guys who have come on to her" etc etc). There are people here who can help you navigate all of this.

Hang in there!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Which is why I think these days most companies don't hesitate to fire a person that has a plausible harassment charge reported against them. This is especially true if the person being accused is not part of any protected group. The company knows they will look a lot worse if they ignore a woman's harassment complaint vs firing a white, under 50 man.


True, but at the same time a lot of employers are afraid to fire anyone from an ethnic group because they tend to sue more, and a race discrimination suit has a lot more teeth than the sexual harassment suits do. It's much easier to find representation in a racial discrimination suit.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

And after reading one of your recent posts that's another thought that will play with your mind ("what if I never found out about any of this and never saw the texts"? "Where would this have gone if I didn't shut this down"? "Would it have gone physical"?).

Not saying that it would but these are the thoughts that will swirl around in your head for a long time and you better know how to deal with them. A lot of getting through this is how you handle things now. You can't forgive what you don't know. 

Maybe that's what's knawing at you now that you feel confident she didn't cheat on you but how far did this really go? Did this guy ever touch your wife? Did he ever send her nude photos of himself? Not saying this happened but see how the mind works? These are all thoughts and questions that are going to be there until you get definitive answers.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I'm late to the party here...

One thing I can't get past is his "feel" comments. It sounded very much like it's something that happens regularly.


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## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

Just my thoughts on this given my WW has had these kinds of communications with make coworkers many times, prior to my dday. 

I suspect this is a simple as it appears. Some dog at the office starts flirting with your wife, she doesn’t shut it down (just like my WW), he starts to push the boundaries a little more each time, gets very inappropriate, but your wife still doesn’t draw a line in the sand. 

I suspect your wife liked the attention she was getting, and now that the $hit hit the fan, she is panicking. There may be more to this and would agree to try to recover deleted text messages to confirm.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

There is also the revelation in this thread that the OM's wife does not like this man's wife. This is also an angle that should be looked into. The OM's wife knew something was off before this man. This woman might have some information as well.

This matter will take time to settle down. I am rooting for happy ending but investigation should be completed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her: as much as I like working from home, I do miss you clowns (referring to the whole crew).
> 
> *Him: you know I miss seeing that ass everyday
> 
> ...


I can see that she was trying to field his ridiculous advances and was not trying to encourage him while at the same time possibly enjoying some of the pursuit.

It's an interesting human condition similar to hating and fighting an enemy but at the same time admiring them.

I can also tell she really didn't want to pursue anything with the lothario and highly values her marriage.

She just needs to give her boundaries a tune up.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> I can see that she was trying to field his ridiculous advances and was not trying to encourage him while at the same time possibly enjoying some of the pursuit.
> 
> It's an interesting human condition similar to hating and fighting an enemy but at the same time admiring them.
> 
> ...



And yet I read that and take it that OM regularly feels her up.


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