# I'm really struggling with this....



## dmdavid (Feb 19, 2011)

My husband and I have been together since 2005 and got married in February 2010. In between that time, we split for a short time in April 2009. We reconnected a little later in June 2009 - literally it was about a 2 month hiatus. Anyways, when we got back together I asked him if he had met/been with anyone else during that time we weren't together. Adamantly, he denied it, only to find out later from my SK that he had in fact met someone AND had her at the house and introduced her to his son. I was angry because he lied, but even more because he elaborated that not only had he NOT met anyone, but said, "No one's been to my house, nobody's met my son...etc" - basically he offered info that I didn't ask, telling on himself. He promised to never lie again; and the reason for it was that he was afraid I'd change my mind about getting back together.

Once making it through that, I made it crystal clear that there was to be NO WOMEN. There was to be no ex's as friends and that in my opinion it's a rare occasion when a man just wants to be friends with a woman. Any man that's ever paid attention to me didn't want to be JUST my friend...somewhere along the line he ended up wanting to take it further. Basically, I felt it better to just avoid potential problems. Time passed and things seemed to be going well. Then, this past October, I found out (without looking for it), that the girl he had lied about meeting earlier on, had started up a Yahoo account and requested him as a contact/friend. To my shock, he accepted! I finally saw who she was and what she looked like. She wrote him and it posted on his public wall, stating, " Hi Mike, Great to hear from ya! How's married life treating ya?".....
I was sick to my stomach! "Great to hear from you?" So, he HAS been in touch with her?! He denied it, claimed he "accidentally" accepted her as a friend (which is BS), claimed he didn't talk to her,etc...

I was crushed...I said that if he wanted to prove to me that he was being truthful, would he please open up his email accounts so I could see what was there. He got mad and refused....what does that tell ya?) So, being the detective that I am, I installed a logging software program on my computer, got his passwords to his emails and opened them myself. I found not only this one girl's contact info ( that he claimed he didnt have and deleted), but a few others that I had no idea about. Then the crushing blow...I found TONS of pictures of this Spanish girl dating back to 2007-2009. Then I found the picture he had taken of him and her smiling into his IPhone, and judging by the background scenery, in a hotel room. I was so devistated! I felt like such a fool to have found out not even a year after marriage that for over 2 years during our dating years,he had been dealing with someone else.

He got so mad with me..but more so for getting caught. I was so hurt not only because I found the pictures, but that he STILL HAD THEM almost a year after we had been married.Why did he keep them? Why wouldn't he get rid of them? Why did he keep the other girls contact info? He said, "I didn't do anything, I'm home all the time, I don't go out..."

Guys, I'm trying to get past this, but I'm really having trouble. Yeah, he married me and not them...but it makes me question my security within the marriage, having found this stuff. He said, " If I wanted to talk to others, I wouldn't have gotten married." Sure, it sounds logical, but it still doesn't take away the fact of what I found. Now, he has a facebook and lots of girls from school ( so he says) ...he gave me the password to his facebook and email, which he thinks will satisfy my insecurity..but I still doubt his truth telling abilities. His facebook is linked to his phone, so if a girl messages him something or vice versa, how will I know? I'm tired of feeling like I'm battling a mental war within. To me, it isn't fair. I didn't ask for this, yet I'm the one in fear.

It's easy to say "leave him, hes a liar, hell never change"...its just not that easy.

I really need some clarity...maybe another way to see things... I have a hard time looking at ANYTHING from his standpoint right now.


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## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

well, first off I'm really sorry. I can totally relate to you, and I would feel the same way. my husband is a liar too, and sometimes when I ask him questions (about pics) it's pointless because I know and he knows I'm not going to believe him. I don't really have much advice to give you, I'm stuck here too.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

To the original poster: I think you sound too controlling from the start. Sorry to be harsh, but you should have respected your husband as a full person instead of telling him he can't be friends with his ex's, can't be friends with other girls. That's way too controlling! It sounds like you went into this relationship with a lot of fear that you would be cheated on. That said, he lied to you so it's normal to be worried and angry now. But from your post it sounds like you both have problems that affect the relationship. I'd say get yourselves into some relationship counselling quick smart (if you want to save this). He needs to learn why it's not OK to lie. And you need to learn how to be not so controlling and let him have friends. Having male and female friends is healthy for any person...if you keep trying to control him, you will lose him. But if he keeps lying he will lose you. So you both gotta own your part in this.


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