# my wife is having an internet affair.



## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

I have caught my wife having an internet affair on twitter.
i have seen the direct messages, he "loves her", she replies, "i'm all yours babe" lots of i miss you stuuf too.
They have never met and infact thousands of miles apart.

i confronted her and it was all out war, she says it is harmless, it is my paranoia, my insecurity and my jealousy.
i am insecure, i admit it but this i cannot handle.

she gave up for a week and started it again, now she says she cannot handle my insecurity.
we have been together 22 years.
I left in a rage at the weekend, came back to the home 24hours later and she is so cold to me it is unreal, she is on her phone in front of me tweeting and i cannot ask her if she is tweeting him as it will go tits up, i am home again to see if she can love me again so at the moment i am saying nothing, just hoping it will blow over.
i am slowly cracking up though.
WHAT IS HAPPENING, WILL IT END, WHAT DO I DO.

sorry if i am going on a bit but i need to talk to someone.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

wee jocky said:


> I have caught my wife having an internet affair on twitter.
> i have seen the direct messages, he "loves her", she replies, "i'm all yours babe" lots of i miss you stuuf too.
> They have never met and infact thousands of miles apart.
> 
> ...


What's happening? You checked out your testacles. Go find them, reattach, and then reassess your situation.

Your wife's cheating on you, and you don't want to confront because it will go "tits up"? Dude she's cheating on you right in front of your face, this isn't going to blow over.

You need to read the man-up reference thread. Also, everything she's saying is standard cheating script.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you are paying for the cell phone and internet, cancel the services and turn them off. Move all your money into a checking account under your name only. Don't facilitate her affair. Then do the 180 and prepare for the worst.

Oh, and never leave the house again. She strays she pays.... she needs to pack bags and leave.

I'll post the 180 link when I find it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Here it is. Do it. 

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

i know you are right but i am really hoping in the next few days she will tell me she is being stupid, there is no physical affair just twitter so i am hoping she will see this is so stupid.
i may have driven her to this, so perhaps it is me who needs to fight to save our relationship.
i cannot confront her now as it is very fragile, i am waiting a few more days.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Here it is. Do it.
> 
> The Healing Heart: The 180


i have just read it.
wow.
it is difficult to be so cold and to get on with it, difficult to hold back the emotions and keep your mouth shut.
i will fall back on this at the end of the week if nothing positive is happening.

i am still praying it is something stupid. they are 12k miles apart.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Her decision to cheat, not yours.

F*ck fragile . Stay on the offensive. Cut off all her supply lines. Make it as difficult for her to carry on this affair as you can. 

Can you access her e-mail history and print out her emails to this guy? Find out what you can about him. If he has a wife, track her down and tell her about the affair.

If you can't cut the cable, then insatall a keylogger to see waht she's typing. 

Buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it under the front seat of her car with velcro to catch her calls.

You need to quit sitting around and start being proactive if you want to stop her affair.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> am still praying it is something stupid. they are 12k miles apart.



Then its probably already gone physical. You were asleep at the wheel and now you will have to play catch-up.

Find his wife and expose them. Expose, expose, expose.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> i confronted her and it was all out war, she says it is harmless, it is my paranoia, my insecurity and my jealousy.


This is called "gaslighting" and is a typical defensive technique used by cheaters worldwide. 

She wants you to think you are crazy.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

It's not your insecurity, it's her cheating. It doesn't matter how many thousands of miles are between them - if she is invested emotionally in another man, it is a form of infidelity. 

I think you need to protect yourself, and find a way to get through to her that is firm and lets her know you won't take this lying down. Don't be a doormat. Women don't respect doormats (I know, I'm a woman.)

BTW, in 22 years, is this the first time she's given an indication she does not respect you?


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

HazelGrove said:


> It's not your insecurity, it's her cheating. It doesn't matter how many thousands of miles are between them - if she is invested emotionally in another man, it is a form of infidelity.
> 
> I think you need to protect yourself, and find a way to get through to her that is firm and lets her know you won't take this lying down. Don't be a doormat. Women don't respect doormats (I know, I'm a woman.)


you are correct, i will do this in the next few days.
i am back in the house so she will have to leave if she wants to carry on with this guy.
in the meantime i will let her think about what she is doing, deadline wednesday to confront her again.
after wednesday I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT.

the weird thing she just sent me a text 1 hour ago saying she was busy at work with a x at the end of the message, so maybe she is realising this is stupid.

BANDIT.
I cannot cut off her phone, she would just get another, 
i really want her to end it not me.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> BANDIT.
> I cannot cut off her phone, she would just get another,
> i really want her to end it not me.



She won't end it. You have given her no reason to end it.

Let her get another phone. What I'm saying is, don't you be the one paying for it!!! Let her know you will not pay for her to cyberf*ck her boyfriend. 

Get on her computer and download her emails and find out what she is saying to this guy. Find his wife and family. Expose it!!!!!


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

HazelGrove said:


> BTW, in 22 years, is this the first time she's given an indication she does not respect you?



no, we have had some big busts up over the years but never because of an affair.
i can be very insecure, she is a stunner and i can be jealous.
only 10 days ago we were as loving as can be, "i luv you" texts from her every day, cuddles and general love stuff.
but she went mental when i checked her twitter account and seen the messages.
it was going on for 3 days before i said something.
massive bust up but she apologised next day saying she was ashamed of herself for reacting to the guys messages, she said it was only words.
we talked and i agreed to be less jealous and insecure and to show her i love her everyday, she said the same.
that lasted a week before he messaged her again saying he missed her and loved her, she replied the next morning saying "i'm yours babe"
i flipped and now here we are with me in limbo at the moment.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

BTW.
This is helping me by talking about it.

BANDIT.
You are a more angry man than me. lol.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

She is not respecting you, and because she knows you are jealous, she interprets that as your problem. It looks like she thinks she can play you, and get you to react, put you at a disadvantage. 

Although here you have reason to be jealous, you have to be smart. Strategize. Act, don't react. Respond calmly. Keep your cool and tell her you expect her to end this internet affair, or it will lead to the end of your marriage. 

She has destabilized you, and you're allowing her all the power. Now you need to destabilize her a little and make sure you're on an equal footing. If nothing else, you'll gain your self-respect. Put your insecurity on the backseat for now - be a man. If she thinks your fear of losing her is stronger than your self-respect, she'll walk all over you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's manipulating you... playing you like a cheap guitar.

The 180 will put a stop to it.

Meanwhile you need to be smarter than her and gather as much evidence as you can. Don't let her know what you are doing... don't tell her you are on this site or that you are doing a 180. Its like playing poker... don't give anything away.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

wee jocky said:


> BTW.
> This is helping me by talking about it.
> 
> BANDIT.
> You are a more angry man than me. lol.


I've earned my anger brother. I've gone through far worse than you have, so listen to the posters here and heed their advice. You'll get alot of good advice.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

Honestly, i cannot believe i am actually posting about my problems.
i have told nobody so far, i am ashamed to talk to my friends about it.
i really do appreciate all the advice and it is making me feel a bit better as i was bursting up to an hour ago.
it has released some stress.
thanks alot.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Keep talking to us. I gotta go to work.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

As a woman, I'll simply say this: stand up for yourself, calmly and firmly, or she'll never respect you, and that will make it hard to respect yourself. No matter how feminist we are, we want men who are strong and won't take sh!t from us. 

And I'm glad you're able to relieve your stress here through talking. Much better than hitting the bottle and keeping all your troubles in!


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Keep talking to us. I gotta go to work.



will do.
what i will say to you bandit.
while i appreciate your abruptness and directness, 
i really do want to save my marriage, not end it.
i love her deeply.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

HazelGrove said:


> And I'm glad you're able to relieve your stress here through talking. Much better than hitting the bottle and keeping all your troubles in!


and believe me, i am a Scotsman, i can hit the bottle with the best of them.
i want to hit it and nearly did on Friday night but i know if i did then i would do something really stupid that i would regret in the morning.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

wee jocky said:


> while i appreciate your abruptness and directness,
> i really do want to save my marriage, not end it.
> i love her deeply.


You can't save your marriage at the cost of your self-respect, you will end up with an empty marriage and deeply unhappy. The only way to save it is to risk losing it by standing up for yourself and making sure she knows you will not take her behaviour. Then it's up to her to adapt and to change that behaviour, and start respecting you. 

You might want to consider therapy to deal with your insecurity, btw.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

wee jocky said:


> will do.
> what i will say to you bandit.
> while i appreciate your abruptness and directness,
> i really do want to save my marriage, not end it.
> i love her deeply.


I'm a Yank. It's my job to be abrupt.

And these methods will save your marriage more than hurt it.

You cannot "nice" her out of an affair. Harsh consequences are the only thing that will knock her out of her fog. Believe me, most husbands who try to beg and sweet-talk their wives out of affairs actually tend to drive them farther towards the other man. It has been proven time and time again. 

Hey mate, I'm just offering advice. Take it or leave it.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

HazelGrove said:


> You can't save your marriage at the cost of your self-respect, you will end up with an empty marriage and deeply unhappy. The only way to save it is to risk losing it by standing up for yourself and making sure she knows you will not take her behaviour. Then it's up to her to adapt and to change that behaviour, and start respecting you.
> 
> You might want to consider therapy to deal with your insecurity, btw.


yes i do understand all that.

and she thinks i need therapy too.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

wee jocky said:


> and believe me, i am a Scotsman, i can hit the bottle with the best of them.
> i want to hit it and nearly did on Friday night but i know if i did then i would do something really stupid that i would regret in the morning.


Well done! I know what you mean, I am part-Irish-Scots. But this is the worse thing to do when we're miserable and under stress. 

It seems you are taking some good steps. You obviously love her deeply. But love must be based on respect, not simply on emotion, or it becomes neediness and codependency. It will be a much stronger marriage if you can get that through to her. It was a Scot who wrote this: 

"He either fears his fate too much, 
Or his deserts are small, 
That dares not put it to the touch. 
To gain or lose it all. "

(James Graham, Marquess of Montrose).


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm a Yank. It's my job to be abrupt.
> 
> And these methods will save your marriage more than hurt it.
> 
> ...


i do appreciate it, honest.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

HazelGrove said:


> You might want to consider therapy to deal with your insecurity, btw.


this kick in the nuts will make me feel even more insecure surely?

i do feel that i have failed as a husband because of this.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I know you want to save your marriage but have you thought past this? If you make her stop talking to him, or she stops on her own and he is gone - you still have the fact she has had an affair. Emotional, physical, whatever - the guy wasn't you. Then what? It's not going to just disappear because he has. You may be hurt now and trying to get it all to go away but it won't. The anger will come. Because if it doesn't, I don't care how stunning she is, you don't let anybody treat you that way. 

Don't wait around for her to finish it. Tell her to and then wait for her to apologise and explain. Or leave. Do not let her blatantly disrespect you like this. You are her husband. Don't panic and accept what's going on because you don't want to lose her. You need to respect yourself and your worth too.


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## HazelGrove (Feb 29, 2012)

wee jocky said:


> this kick in the nuts will make me feel even more insecure surely?
> 
> i do feel that i have failed as a husband because of this.


First off, you haven't failed as a husband, she's failed you as a wife. She's the one having the internet affair. Just because she's trying to shift the blame doesn't mean you have to accept that blame. 

But in order to build your self-respect - which will lead to her respecting you and will make your marriage much happier - you have to find a way of dealing with your insecurity, and therapy can help. A friend of mine in the UK got cognitive behavioural therapy on the NHS to deal with something similar, and it really helped him, so it's worth checking out in your area if it's available; and if not, you might consider it an investment for your long-term happiness. At the end of the day, insecurity is your issue, even though she's using it against you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I wish I would have found out about my wife EA a lot sooner,I could have minimized the damage,Take controle and put a stop to this right now,dont let it progress,believe me it will and Bandit does offer some very sound advise so you would be wise to listen to him,unfortunately he has quite a bit of experience.Dont wait till its too late.Would she be ok with this if you were doing the same?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

wee jocky said:


> will do.
> what i will say to you bandit.
> while i appreciate your abruptness and directness,
> i really do want to save my marriage, not end it.
> i love her deeply.


What you will learn in time, and hopefully from our mistakes, is that what Bandit is suggesting is the ONLY way to save your marriage.

If you are not ready to end your marriage over infidelity, it can not be saved. At that point, you have no self-respect and your wife will treat you as such.

Your wife has a biological instinct to challenge your manhood. If you show that you don't have the strength to act correctly, she will find someone else who will. I would say her twittering in front of you is open defiance, and the more you cowtow to her, the more emboldened she will become.

Read the stories on the infidelity forum, your case is textbook. I've seen it 100 times on this forum since I started coming here (after my wife cheated on me). I can tell you with 99% certainty what will happen if you stay your current course. I can tell you with 50% certainty what will happen if you take the advice of the members here .

I can tell you with 100% certainty that if you take our advice, you will wind up a better man in the end, regardless of what happens in your relationship.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

wee jocky said:


> will do.
> what i will say to you bandit.
> while i appreciate your abruptness and directness,
> i really do want to save my marriage, not end it.
> i love her deeply.


By you own admission, you are insecure and jealous. Sorry, but your wife is fully aware that you are an insecure man, and probably knows that she can manage this situation to keep the status quo for exactly that reason. The moment that she also feels lucky to keep you in her life, given what is obviously a marriage killer in building a relationship with another man, she might consider changing her tune. Right now, you are speaking from a position of insecurity, believing that you will be lucky to keep her, due to her anger. You push aside advice that you consider to be direct and confident, thinking them to be unloving. I don't think that this is the approach that the OM is taking, though. He is conveying the exact things that you are not. Bandit is speaking about strength and confidence, which have already proven to be effective in turning her attention away from you. If they are balanced with a firm declaration of your love for her, it might show her an alternative to the insecurity that provoked such derision already.


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## wee jocky (Oct 31, 2011)

i will be home in 90mins so i will see what the situation is in a few hours.
i know we have to speak soon and i will give it till wednesday if she doesn't say anything beforehand.
i know i have to have self respect and i know what i should do but this is heartbreaking and all new to me,
"ma heid is mince" as we say in Scotland.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

wee jocky said:


> i will be home in 90mins so i will see what the situation is in a few hours.
> i know we have to speak soon and i will give it till wednesday if she doesn't say anything beforehand.
> i know i have to have self respect and i know what i should do but this is heartbreaking and all new to me,
> "ma heid is mince" as we say in Scotland.


If my husband was cyber cheating or whatever right in front of me, there wouldn't be til a wednesday.

You only gain self respect by being strong, especially when you don't want to be and would rather it remain easy. It'll all catch up with you in the long run. You won't know unless you try. As Dr Phil says, how's it been working for you so far? Change tact.

Good Luck.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

wee jocky said:


> i will be home in 90mins so i will see what the situation is in a few hours.
> i know we have to speak soon and i will give it till wednesday if she doesn't say anything beforehand.
> i know i have to have self respect and i know what i should do but this is heartbreaking and all new to me,
> "ma heid is mince" as we say in Scotland.


Look at it this way. If she was f*cking a dude in your bed, would you wait till wednesday to see if she wanted to talk about it?

She is CHEATING on you, and you're waiting for her to come to you? In your words, you're waiting till wednesday to not be a doormat. 

Do you understand why this makes you a giant vagina of a man? I'm not saying that to be mean, but to wake you up.

If your wife cheating on you doesn't make you want to tell her she's going to talk to you about it now, or she's going to get the boot, then I can see why she would cheat. She's going to be with a man who's got some cajones, it's either going to be you or someone else. Twitter guy isn't waiting for her to define their relationship..........

You're going to look back at this day as a defining moment. It's either going to be the day you woke up and realized you got your balls back and started acting like a man, or the day you realized your relationship went from marriage to cuckholdery. I hope it's the former, and I hope it's soon or you're going to be dealing with a wife who screws around on you.

And just so you don't get too comfortable, There's THOUSANDS of stories of wives who had internet affairs thousands of miles away, who found a way to cheat physically. No one thinks there wife is one of them until it happens.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hey WJ! What happened with the wife?


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