# OM might be there, do we go?



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I haven't had to think about this for a few years. W and I were invited to a group event with dinner, drinks, and dancing to one of our favorite local groups that plays 80s music.

We don't go out much and only see this group about once a year, but we always have a good time. This band plays at venues all over the 3 state area. 

It just occurred to me that the venue selected was the same one where we bumped into the OM 3 yrs ago - literally. We were in a crowded room and I turned around and he was 3 feet away. He tried to shake my hand and talk to us. We ignored him and did our own thing but he kept looking and smiling at us. This was in keeping with our agreement that we would avoid OM and not engage with him.

I haven't thought about him for a long time - which is good according to my counselor (don't let people occupy your head without paying rent). And I'd say there is a 50/50 chance of him being there. 

My thoughts go from don't worry about it/ignore him to pound his head in for what he knew was wrong. I really want to spend time with the group of friends and family - some of whom are travelling from out of town for the holiday weekend and I don't get to see that often.

The consensus of the group picked the venue, so I don't want to try and change locations/dates (some had to secure lodging and/or arrange babysitting) just because of our personal issues.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Hello MAJDEATH - Don't go. It is obviously bugging you, that you saw the Other Man there last time. Besides, he might be there again! This venue is triggering painful memories for you, as shown by you posting about it. Just tell the group that you won't be able to make it this time. This is my two cents.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I would certainly be inclined to go but then only because I'd be hoping he actually was there and I'd be looking for a rather specific kind of closure. 

@DoesItGetBetter? is clearly a wiser man than I. Listen to him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DoesItGetBetter? said:


> This is my two cents.


Yep. My two cents, too. Now you have 4.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Is that behavior typical for an OM? Trying to talk to us? Shouldn't he be the one to try to avoid us? Last time his W was not with him. I wonder if that made a difference in his response. She knows the background.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Is this the foot guy or the one when you were overseas? I don't remember the whole story but your wife has had some pretty poor boundaries over the years right. Then again now there are two people using Keanu as their avatar so maybe I am getting confused. 

If it's the foot guy maybe he doesn't think he did anything wrong so he is oblivious. 

I don't think there is a typical behavior for this kind of situation, I have heard about all kids. Some are cowards, some are territorial. I would think a lot has to do with how the wife set up the whole dynamic while she was cheating. If she disrespected her husband I suspect the OM will too.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MAJDEATH said:


> Is that behavior typical for an OM? Trying to talk to us? Shouldn't he be the one to try to avoid us? Last time his W was not with him. I wonder if that made a difference in his response. She knows the background.


For one to be concerned with avoiding you, he would have to have a shred of integrity or decency. These are not the calling cards of POSOMs. 

There is no inconsistency here. It is perfectly in character.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> For one to be concerned with avoiding you, he would have to have a shred of integrity or decency. These are not the calling cards of POSOMs.
> 
> There is no inconsistency here. It is perfectly in character.


Further along those lines, I'd think the type of person who would be bold enough to engage a married woman in an affair would like have some degree of an outgoing character, someone who doesn't shrink into the background. I'm obviously stereotyping many cheaters as being to some extent charismatic and relatively unafraid. At least for the initiator. I could be totally off-base here.

I'm also making an assumption, because I haven't read any of MAJDEATH's history, that the wife was not the instigator in the affair.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Is this the foot guy or the one when you were overseas? I don't remember the whole story but your wife has had some pretty poor boundaries over the years right. Then again now there are two people using Keanu as their avatar so maybe I am getting confused.
> 
> If it's the foot guy maybe he doesn't think he did anything wrong so he is oblivious.
> 
> I don't think there is a typical behavior for this kind of situation, I have heard about all kids. Some are cowards, some are territorial. I would think a lot has to do with how the wife set up the whole dynamic while she was cheating. If she disrespected her husband I suspect the OM will too.


This was the OM from when I was deployed overseas. My W confessed about 10 years after the PA ended.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

No way should you go!!
NO! NO NO


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> This was the OM from when I was deployed overseas. My W confessed about 10 years after the PA ended.


So that affair happened maybe 15 years ago? I'm just guessing, I don't know what the timeline is.

Maybe the guy smiles at you both and tries to talk to you because he's *unaware* that you finally know about the affair. If this affair happened roughly 15 years ago and you've never really had any words with him about it (because you didn't know about it), then he's likely assuming he and your wife got away with it. So, like most slimy phonies who bang other men's wives and think they got away with it, he's smiling and acting like nothing ever happened.

That's pretty typical scumbag behavior.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sokillme said:


> If she disrespected her husband I suspect the OM will too.


Of course, he will. Disrespect for the BS is the number one, prime characteristic of adultery. A respected spouse is not cheated upon.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am curious why you just didn't tell him off


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## Stryder (Feb 15, 2018)

It depends on how you feel. If you’re in a good place with reconciliation and feel in control of your emotions, I wouldn’t let this ********* keep you from doing anything you want to do. He should be hiding from you if he had an ounce of humanity. If you decide to go, have a plan with your wife how each of you will act. Personally, I’d have her ignore him at all costs and make a demonstration of her devotion to you. Fake happy no matter how much angst you might suddenly feel on the inside. 

But if you choose not to go - that’s fine too. It’s your choice.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Okay, so there's been lots of discussion regarding whether or not you should go because of how it will affect you or what you might do. 

There's an apparently invisible elephant still in the room though. What does your wife think? You are in reconciliation. How she approaches the situation could have meaning regarding the success of your reconciliation. IMO, you shouldn't have to have any concern about whether or not you should go because she already should have put the kibash on this whole potential fiasco out of respect for you and commitment to your reconciliation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I dunno.

OP shares that he'd like to go, and see his many other friends there.

I wouldn't be inclined to let others dictate where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do.

I'd be inclined to go because I want to see my friends. OM wouldn't have control over me.

Obviously be on ignore for the POS OM, and be fully prepared to hand out a can of whup ass if OM doesn't fully ignore W and I, if he's there. I mean fully prepared, and suffer any consequences.

I'd be hard pressed to not go to him myself and drag his sorry ass into the hallway for a butt kicking but in any event I wouldn't let him being there keep me from going if I really wanted to attend.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

3 yrs ago W and I decided to stay and we had a really fun time drinking and dancing the night away. OM spent the night hanging on 2 girls that were about half his age. I'm sure they were close family friends 😉.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> 3 yrs ago W and I decided to stay and we had a really fun time drinking and dancing the night away. OM spent the night hanging on 2 girls that were about half his age. I'm sure they were close family friends 😉.


Has something changed such that you'd likely not be able to have a good time now, while you apparently did a few years ago? 

If you'll be seeing other (close) friends a this gig, and if you've shared (or have no issue sharing) what happened between him and your W, letting them in on things might not be a bad idea. You'd have both a support group and a posse. But as I write this I realize it's really not all that likely that you broadcast what went on regarding your W's affair with that guy, and if reconciled, it might not be something you'd want to bring up now.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I believe in reclaiming any and all territory - but only if you both are ready to face this POS. 
Living your best lives is the best response. Therefore, if you go - have a great really great time (and ignore the POS).


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > This was the OM from when I was deployed overseas. My W confessed about 10 years after the PA ended.
> ...


He knows, his W knows, and we know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> I haven't had to think about this for a few years. W and I were invited to a group event with dinner, drinks, and dancing to one of our favorite local groups that plays 80s music.
> 
> We don't go out much and only see this group about once a year, but we always have a good time. This band plays at venues all over the 3 state area.
> 
> ...


I would go personally. I have a tendency to make people uncomfortable. I would simply let **** head know that he needs to stay on his side of the room. For his own good time and well being of course.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> He knows, his W knows, and we know.


He should also know to give a wide berth then.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

If you change your plans and cancel on doing something your want to do because of his potential presence, then the "terrorist" wins again. 

Plan to go, with a firm plan in place for how to react if OM shows up. Something along the lines of wife and you doing some over-the-top PDAs - just so that the message is perfectly clear that OM's chapter with your wife is firmly - and forever- closed shut.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get a wool sock and drop a padlock in it and tie the end off. Stick it in your pocket. 

If he's there, and he smiles at you, do a ****** Bulger on his face and knock his teeth out. 


(Okay MODS, this is a joke….its just a joke... not meant to be taken seriously....)


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> IMO, you shouldn't have to have any concern about whether or not you should go because she already should have put the kibash on this whole potential fiasco out of respect for you and commitment to your reconciliation.


I have to say I tend to agree with this. I'm not usually one who "cuts slack" to cheaters. But in your sitch, this has been a long time that you two have been in reconciliation. Your wife may know that you want to go and doesn't want to ruin that for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was that the deployment you told your wife to help herself because you intended to?

You've already seen him once at the same venue, so what is the big deal? Just look right through him and enjoy yourself.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Just curious, how did your wife react last time, and what does she have to say about it? She was the one who chose this action, she should be more responsive to your apprehension. 

And if you chose to go, and he approaches you with hand out, spit in your hand, shake his hand, look him in the eye, and say "Hi Pal!">


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Is that behavior typical for an OM? Trying to talk to us? Shouldn't he be the one to try to avoid us? Last time his W was not with him. I wonder if that made a difference in his response. She knows the background.


Unless he has a mental illness, then I don't think it's a normal behavior to begin with. 

So no, I don't think it'd be a typical OM behavior in this case. He's just being strange and has some mental abnormality. In the literal sense of the word.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> No way should you go!!
> NO! NO NO


Why not? 

(If I'm not late in the thread) go and show so PDA with your WIFE, right there in front of him!!!! 

Show him what you got! He'll feel like sh*t.!


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

The fact that your'e asking is somewhat of a clue to your answer. For example. From what I can tell, reading some of your back stories, he and your wife f'd a whole bunch of times. Possibly, if not probably 3 digits worth. Knowing this I could not be in the same room or even set eyes on him. 

Since you already know this, and is still considering it, my take is that this info does not bother you in the least, which is good actually. Another thing that would influence my decision is AP seemingly taking pleasure with making you and your wife uneasy, as evidenced with the casual nature of which he wish to greet you and smiled, etc., from across the room. This is gamesmanship to me, which is saying, without saying, 

..........."Hey MAJDEATH, you know, your wife know's and I know I fu'd the hell out of your wife and had her anytime I wanted to". I know it's uncomfortable for you knowing this, but, hey', it's no sweat off my back' and I hope there's none off of yours."

I think he takes some sadistic pleasure from being in your presence, as why else would he seek eye contact and smile. I personally, wouldn't want to give him the platform to derive pleasure at my expense. Now, by the same token, you may not want to deny the pleasure you and your wife could have by attending the function as well. I can see if from both sides. 

The more I think of it, I think the best of the two options might be to go and if he's there, and tries to engage with words, handshake or SMILING FROM ACROSS THE F'N ROOM, (that just gets to my ass) then you'll have to put an end to that sh|t somehow some way. I'm not saying to fight, but come on. A guy has f'd my wife repeatedly before and now he's smiling at me. This can't be.

If it were me, I'd be respectful knowing that the other guy knows I've had his wife. I'd avoid contact with him at all costs, knowing he's already uncomfortable and humiliated already. I'm sure as hell wouldn't want to shake his hand, look him in the eye or smile especially. Not one of these actions convey respect. Not a f'n one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If he is there and gets in your grill, ask him where his wife is and if she needs some company?>:wink2:


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

lovelygirl said:


> Unless he has a mental illness, then I don't think it's a normal behavior to begin with.
> 
> 
> 
> So no, I don't think it'd be a typical OM behavior in this case. He's just being strange and has some mental abnormality. In the literal sense of the word.


I second that... That's just weird and messed up, he has issues

Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I second that... That's just weird and messed up, he has issues
> 
> Sent from my SHT-W09 using Tapatalk


He's just a cockroach that hasn't been stepped on yet.:wink2:


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hell yes, go!

It has been 15 years, you still got the pretty missus, bozo got but a short sniff.

Fear no man, fear only the loss of your confidant image.

Avoid violence, meet his arrogant eyes with a prouder smile.




KB-


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Hey Maj,

The choice is really, go and risk seeing him but enjoy yourself or don't go and be resentful for him ruining your good time (then later find out he wasn't even there).


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I would definitely go.

Don’t let anyone dictate the routines and functions of living for you and your fWW.

You are there for fun, music, and socializing with close friends and family.....and nothing more need be said.

He is a total non-entity for your current lives.

Simply ignore him while there.....while maintaining the proper and normal boundaries of a self-respecting man at the same time.

If he enters your social space and crosses boundaries in words or actions.....tell him to get lost just as you would any other rude and disrespectful a**hole......up to and including dealing with him just like any other stranger who refused to respect your boundaries if he persists.

He is a ‘zero’ in you and your fWW’s lives at this point.....simply treat him as such.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't go.

Because allowing that POS to control where you go and to stop you from seeing your favourite band is such a good idea. /sarcasm mode off. /

Go. But if you see him, just say "I know what happened, I know what you did. My wife told me everything. By the way, is your wife here?"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> He knows, his W knows, and we know.


What if your wife had told him that you two were in an open marriage? He thought everything was above board and was just being friendly? He may have been interested in seeing if the two of you wanted to play.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> What if your wife had told him that you two were in an open marriage? He thought everything was above board and was just being friendly? He may have been interested in seeing if the two of you wanted to play.


He might not have known that the wife had outed him, so he was playing it normal in order not to cause any awkwardness?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> He's just a cockroach that hasn't been stepped on yet.:wink2:


 Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:

Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like Big Yeller?

Majdeath's wife's actions were NO DIFFERENT than the sleazy OM's. She sunk to exactly the *same lows* the OM sunk to, so why is the OM some kind of leper but the OP's wife *isn't*? 

Either *both* of them are sleaze bags and cockroaches for what they did, or both of them are NOT sleaze bags and cockroaches for what they did. *They acted together *so one can't be a shining star while the other is the bottom of the food chain.

And no, Majdeath's wife doesn't get a cookie or extra points just because she chose to finally tell the OP about her sleazy ways after years of lying to the guy. Nope.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What I really want to know is has the guy aged well? That look of horror on a person's face when they realize that they used to sleep with *that*, is priceless.>


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

MAJDEATH said:


> She'sStillGotIt said:
> 
> 
> > MAJDEATH said:
> ...



This is why l see this differently, than others. But that ok shifting power is his game.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:
> 
> Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like *Old* Yeller?
> 
> ...


Fixed that for ya.:grin2:

The problem is the male cockroach didn't scurry in the presence of the owner of the female cockroach. Cockroaches are just so hard to train, ya know.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> An alpha? Oh is THAT what you folks call a hyena that follows the pride of lions and takes scraps?
> 
> No. Not an alpha. At all.


Thanks Matt,


Hyenas are alphas to those beasts smaller and weaker than them.

But not smarter than them. Major is the much smarter man.

OM is yet the unstable nitroglycerin, waiting to get blown up by his own shaky and risky behavior.
One day he will meet a BH, a BSO, who will bury him. 

Or, some small virus will permanently ruin his day(s).

Tis' just a matter of time.




KB-


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:
> 
> Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like Big Yeller?
> 
> ...


Because @MAJDEATH loves his wife?

Any way, here is a true story:-

John Le Mesurier was a famous British actor. His first wife, Hattie Jacques cheated on him and they divorced.

His second wife, Joan, started an affair with his best friend the comedy actor Tony Hancock, who she went to live with, for a time.

Le Mesurier would often phone to speak to Hancock which upset Hancock, as he thought Le Mesurier was trying to upset him.

Hancock was mortified when Joan Le Mesurier explained that on the contrary, Le Mesurier was phoning him because he still thought of Hancock as his best friend and that he missed him.

Not only did Le Mesurier forgive his wive he also forgave Hancock. Not sure I could do that, but some people are more forgiving, but I can perfectly understand how @MAJDEATH could forgive his wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:
> 
> Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like Big Yeller?
> 
> ...


Absolutely. Maybe the betrayed spouse has to make themselves think that in order to stay with the cheater. Putting the blame on the other person for all of it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would go, he may well not be there, and after all it was 15 years ago. 
Presumably you have forgiven you wife, and after all what he did was no worse than what she did. Why still so much anger towards him but none towards her? I just dont get that, SHE was the one who betrayed you after all.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> I haven't had to think about this for a few years. W and I were invited to a group event with dinner, drinks, and dancing to one of our favorite local groups that plays 80s music.
> 
> We don't go out much and only see this group about once a year, but we always have a good time. This band plays at venues all over the 3 state area.
> 
> ...


Do these people know about the reason for NC?

What your WW's response afterwards?

Was the OM married and the PA exposed?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:
> 
> Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like Big Yeller?
> 
> ...


If she was attending events without Maj and running into her AP's wife and her AP and behaving in a less than contrite manner while brazenly trying to get acknowledgement from her AP's wife while continuing her faithless behavior with other men?....... I would be calling her a parasitic STD or cockroach that needs stepped on as well.

Cheating is bad enough. Behaving like it is a fun game and playing with those you helped to harm is on another level.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:
> 
> Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like Big Yeller?
> 
> ...


I cannot argue with the above.

Maj's wife, at last, did come to her senses and she does not rub the affair in his face, as 'seemingly' *did*, the OM, at their last meeting.

TBH, I suspect I would have ended up in jail over these 'affair(s)'.

We all know that the Major made some serious marital errors in the past. 

He may never admit it, ah, maybe has, I have forgotten.
He knows this in his heart.

Beating him for past failings is just more cruelty added to his situation. 

He wants advice, not to be pilloried. 

He loves his wife, warts and all.
I accept this.




[?]-


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> Unless he has a mental illness, then I don't think it's a normal behavior to begin with.
> 
> So no, I don't think it'd be a typical OM behavior in this case. He's just being strange and has some mental abnormality. In the literal sense of the word.


Totally normal OM behavior.

He banged the WW.

Now he gets to bang the BH's mind.

Plus all OM know that breaking NC is how PA's restart. This is why NC must be 100%.

I would never give an OM the opportunity to gloat at me because he got to bang my WW.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not picking on you ConanHub, I'm just using your post as an example of what seems to be rampant in this thread - the belief that the OM is evil and not human, but Majdeath's wife is perfectly OK. :scratchhead:
> 
> Why is Majdeath's wife worthy of forgiveness and reconciliation and praise and respect and kindness and love, but the guy she screwed around with is Public Enemy Number #1, the lowest form of life on the planet, and deserves to be shot behind the barn like Big Yeller?
> 
> ...



You are entitled to call majordeath's WW a cockroach.

It does not matter what label is used for a WW on D day.

The BH to recover his marriage has to forgive his WW. She does not get a "cookie" for coming 
clean about the affair. What she gets is another chance. The BH gets another chance to keep
his family intact.

There is no motivation to forgive the AP. There never will be. There never can be, the need
to forgive the OM.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> Because @MAJDEATH loves his wife?
> 
> Any way, here is a true story:-
> 
> ...


Dollars to doughnuts that BH was gay.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Why not?
> 
> (If I'm not late in the thread) go and show so PDA with your WIFE, right there in front of him!!!!
> 
> Show him what you got! He'll feel like sh*t.!


Playing games with affairs and their adornments is a child's game and will only exacerbate the problems within their home.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Because @*MAJDEATH* loves his wife?


Majdeath loving her doesn't CHANGE the fact that she sunk just as low as the OM.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I appreciate all the responses and the varying opinions. There is a price to pay when a BH chooses reconciliation, and this is one of the costs. I'm leaning more towards going.

I attempted to get ahead of this several years ago when W admitted to the A. I called the OM's wife and told her that no contact was in effect for life, and she agreed that they would leave the scene if we bumped into each other. I guess hubby didn't get the memo or they got divorced.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Majdeath loving her doesn't CHANGE the fact that she sunk just as low as the OM.


Agreed, that’s why if his WW was worth her salt, she would have enforced NC and said “I swore NC to you and I intend to keep it. Now, let’s do something else fun that night ... you pick ... my treat.”


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> I appreciate all the responses and the varying opinions. There is a price to pay when a BH chooses reconciliation, and this is one of the costs. I'm leaning more towards going.
> 
> I attempted to get ahead of this several years ago when W admitted to the A. I called the OM's wife and told her that no contact was in effect for life, and she agreed that they would leave the scene if we bumped into each other. I guess hubby didn't get the memo or they got divorced.


Why shouldn't you go if you want to ?

You did nothing wrong, they did.
You don't pay a price, they do.
Remember what your counselor said
about the space in your head. Apply
the same thing to your life. Live it and 
don't change a damn thing because of him.

If something happens between them, the question of trust got answered. 
Sorry couldn't think of another way to say that.

Take care, and have a blast.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Go to the function, don’t let the OM interfere with your life. Thumb your nose at him by having a fantastic time. If he comes within 10 yards of you or wife give him the death stare.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Majdeath loving her doesn't CHANGE the fact that she sunk just as low as the OM.


That's not the point. He still loves her, still wants her and that's that.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MyRevelation said:


> Agreed, that’s why if his WW was worth her salt, she would have enforced NC and said “I swore NC to you and I intend to keep it. Now, let’s do something else fun that night ... you pick ... my treat.”


Am I reading you right? The fact that the other man from an affair years in the rearview mirror ... MIGHT attend a concert at a venue with hundreds or thousands of other people present; your expectation is that his wife should step up and insist on not going? To an event they both want to attend?

You dont seem to be alone in your thinking which is why I'm looking for someone to confirm.


My input is pretty simple. You and your wife have either taken the steps to reforge your bond and commitment, or you haven't.

If you have, then choose what you want for you and your partner.

OM and choices he makes are utterly insignificant. Unless ... he chooses to cross your boundaries. At which point you provide a demonstrable example of why that's a really bad idea.

Enjoy the concert.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Maj, l also think you should go. And if he comes up to you do what you think you can live with. Have fun best of luck with your travels.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Yep ... you read it right.

NC means No ****ing Contact, which means neither party goes anywhere there is a reasonable chance of OM being there.

Not a hard concept at all ... nor is it unreasonable.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> You are entitled to call majordeath's WW a cockroach.
> 
> It does not matter what label is used for a WW on D day.
> 
> ...


Except that the one who refuses to forgive will suffer emotionally and physically eventually.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Am I reading you right? The fact that the other man from an affair years in the rearview mirror ... MIGHT attend a concert at a venue with hundreds or thousands of other people present; your expectation is that his wife should step up and insist on not going? To an event they both want to attend?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree. Go if it’s something you want to go to. 

If he’s there, he’ll likely remain scarce and your wife will likely ignore him. Don’t invent problems or limit your life because of what he might or might not do. 

If something happens, you know how to deal with it. You’ve come this far. You’ve got this.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> Dollars to doughnuts that BH was gay.


Nope.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You need to tell him he needs to leave the room, make an announcement over the PA system.

Why is this OM still within striking distance of your marriage.

Have you exposed him widely?

Have you hired a PI to bust his current affairs, info you can pass on to the BHs so they can do your dirty work for you.

Yes a certain type of OM loves to flaunt it, believing they are a special case and outside the reach of retribution. There's also a chance he believes he improved your marriage for you.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Deejo said:


> Am I reading you right? The fact that the other man from an affair years in the rearview mirror ... MIGHT attend a concert at a venue with hundreds or thousands of other people present; your expectation is that his wife should step up and insist on not going? To an event they both want to attend?
> 
> You dont seem to be alone in your thinking which is why I'm looking for someone to confirm.
> 
> ...



NC means total NC..
Even indirect contact such as checking OM's FB page is breaking NC.

NC is no contact of any kind forever. They have already been there post
D day and have broken NC. Unintentional on their part though they
broke NC.

The right thing to do is to take steps to maintain NC. Unacceptable to
go some where the odds are good that the OM will be there.

It is called consequences. The WW chose an affair, the BH chose
recovery. The milk was spilt and it can never be put back into the
glass.

As Arnold would say: we have collateral damage here.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> NC means total NC..
> Even indirect contact such as checking OM's FB page is breaking NC.
> 
> NC is no contact of any kind forever. They have already been there post
> ...


I suppose MAJ could leave his wife at home; but, then he wouldn't have the pleasure of her company. 

The NC is established to put an end to the affair. That was accomplished many years ago. If MAJ doesn't have worries, then there is no reason he has to live his life in fear of running into the guy. 

He doesn't have to make his world smaller out of fear. Hell no! 

Go, enjoy and mark your territory every chance you get. Just don't get arrested for public indecency.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> NC means total NC..
> Even indirect contact such as checking OM's FB page is breaking NC.
> 
> NC is no contact of any kind forever. They have already been there post
> ...


I think there are caveats to NC. If I reconciled and was eating at my favorite restaurant with my wife and OM showed up, I'm not leaving and if anyone is going to be uncomfortable it will be him.

Odds are good he would move far enough away to not risk being near me anyway.:wink2:>


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

oldtruck said:


> NC means total NC..
> Even indirect contact such as checking OM's FB page is breaking NC.
> 
> NC is no contact of any kind forever. They have already been there post
> ...


I appreciate you, and MyRevelation clarifying.

What I'm taking away from the kind of absolutist expectations you've set ... is that a chance meeting, regardless of how obscure, is either a. her fault or b. somehow means they are going to hook up again? Based on that expectation, I'm further presuming that neither of you would choose reconciliation.

To my mind, it's 'unacceptable' that I'm going to let the event of an affair dictate or modify any facet of how I live my life, or the choices I make, with or without my partner who strayed. I guess what I'm saying is that if I have built my life and career in the area where my wife had an affair, I'm not going to uproot all of that to hold over her head in a punitive fashion, or out of concern that we might see TOM at the mall or grocery store.

I don't disagree with the concept of consequences. But I don't agree that one pays consequences in perpetuity, particularly in light of making the choice to reconcile. Living that way is toxic, for both parties.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> I suppose MAJ could leave his wife at home; but, then he wouldn't have the pleasure of her company.
> 
> The NC is established to put an end to the affair. That was accomplished many years ago. If MAJ doesn't have worries, then there is no reason he has to live his life in fear of running into the guy.
> 
> ...


Just because the OM could be in the same environment, doesn't mean there's gotta be any sort of contact. To each their own but I see no issue with him being here, as long as OP trusts his wife.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Deejo said:


> But I don't agree that one pays consequences in perpetuity, particularly in light of making the choice to reconcile.


Let’s be clear, OM is my sworn enemy for life or in perpetuity, as you say. Most of you all think it’s wrong for BH to maim or kill OM, so why put me in proximity to where that very thing just might occur .., and make no mistake ... with one smirk or advance things would get serious, at best ... physical, most likely.

On top of that WW swore NC for life. That’s the deal SHE made to give R a chance. She’s already broken her vows / promises once ... how many times is BH expected to dine on ****burgers just for civilized appearances sake.

Sorry ladies and you “enlightened” males, but just how much **** is the BH supposed to accept as consequences for actions HE never took?

Damn I’m glad my parents and grandparents didn’t teach me such refined manners and enlightened attitudes and instilled some self respect instead.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> []
> On top of that WW swore NC for life. That’s the deal SHE made to give R a chance. She’s already broken her vows / promises once ... how many times is BH expected to dine on ****burgers just for civilized appearances sake.
> 
> Sorry ladies and you “enlightened” males, but just how much **** is the BH supposed to accept as consequences for actions HE never took?


NC means not to contact him in any way directly....but just because they happen to be in a certain area..it doesn"t mean she's contacting him. Sorry. Let's not ask for nonsense please.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> NC means not to contact him in any way directly....but just because they happen to be in a certain area..it doesn"t mean she's contacting him. Sorry. Let's not ask for nonsense please.


Calling bull**** here!!!!

In this situation, we know there’s a good chance OM will be there, because it’s happened before.

WW is free to attend if she chooses ... just not as my W. She’s already used her get out of jail free card and asked for one more chance to prove herself worthy. Going to a place / event where OM is KNOWN to attend changes her status to unworthy.

Quit trying to change the facts to protect the guilty.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> lovelygirl said:
> 
> 
> > NC means not to contact him in any way directly....but just because they happen to be in a certain area..it doesn"t mean she's contacting him. Sorry. Let's not ask for nonsense please.
> ...


I'm not peotecting the guilty. As long as OP will be there with WW, what's wrong????
She won't have to talk or even glance at OM at all. Each party can mind their own business. 

IF OP wouldn't attend, then I wouldn't be OK with WS going. But OP will be there. What's the problem here????


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MyRevelation said:


> Yep ... you read it right.
> 
> NC means No ****ing Contact, which means neither party goes anywhere there is a reasonable chance of OM being there.
> 
> Not a hard concept at all ... nor is it unreasonable.


No contact does not mean what you think it means.

It means no contact with the other party.

It does NOT mean avoid any area where the other party might possibly, perhaps could be.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It means no contact with the other party.
> 
> It does NOT mean avoid any area where the other party might possibly, perhaps could be.


Exactlyyyyyyy!!!!! 


You guys need to re-define "NC" as I think you have a wrong impression.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

NC is what my W and I agree, period!!!

I wouldn’t be going ... I keep my promises, not just when situationally convenient. My W would respect that, or ... 

It’s no longer my job to tamp down my feelings to cover for her **** ups.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Let me be clear: I’m pretty black and white when it comes to No Contact.

But my thinking about No Contact would be different before and after reconciliation, certainly years down the line.

If my wife reached out to her EA guy, I’d flip out and consider leaving.

But if there was an event we both wanted to go to, and she said there was a possibility of him being there, and that it was OK if we didn’t go accordingly...

I’d say **** it and go. Because that dude’s control on my relationship and life is over. I’d expect him to make himself scarce if he was there, and I’d expect my wife to ignore him. And I think that’s what would happen.

This isn’t about his wife and the other guy. It’s about @MAJDEATH. He’s paid long enough, and given up enough joy to this ****head. He doesn’t have to give up anything more.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> No contact does not mean what you think it means.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



To me, kinda.

If the wayward spouse conveniently goes where the other person is likely to be, this becomes a problem.

I think it’s about intention, and the current state of the marriage. If the marriage is good, more leeway is ok. If it’s bad or in crisis, no leeway is given.

But that’s me.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"My thoughts go from don't worry about it/ignore him to pound his head in for what he knew was wrong.* I really want to spend time with the group of friends and family *- some of whom are travelling from out of town for the holiday weekend and I don't get to see that often.

The consensus of the group picked the venue, so I don't want to try and change locations/dates (some had to secure lodging and/or arrange babysitting) just because of our personal issues."

Well, I think it's the BH's call as to whether he wants to subject himself to a possible crap sandwich. His wife isn't making an issue of it.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I can be a royal arsehole. I would go, and be extremely intimidating to him. Watched a client do this in a similar situation. It was his wife's ex-boss. It was a PD session, and we were all there, and bossman wanted to be "friendly-friendly". Bossman tried to glad-hand, and was passing out his new business cards (as a consequence of the affair, bossman and wifey had both lost their jobs. They managed to stay in the same field of IT but at separate companies) Bossman attempts to give his card to wifey. NOT COOL. NOT COOL. NOT COOL. My guy takes the card out of his wife's hand, gets in bossman's face, shoves the card down bossman's pants, and then secures it there with a fairly aggressive pat. (good wind-up and follow through) Aggressive enough to plant bossman's testes on the back wall. Tells bossman to keep to himself if he wants to continue breathing. 

Just so happened that bossman's colleagues and employers are there as well. They witness all this, and of course unintended questions arise. Bossman, apparently was in need of new employment shortly thereafter.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Well, I think it's the BH's call as to whether he wants to subject himself to a possible crap sandwich. His wife isn't making an issue of it.


This discussion is academic or personal to each of us as we all know what OP is going to do. He has yet to establish or defend any boundary with his serial cheating WW.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> This discussion is academic or personal to each of us as we all know what OP is going to do. He has yet to establish or defend any boundary with his serial cheating WW.


Are you near your wife's affair season? Asking because it seems you're taking your self-loathing out on other betrayed men who reconciled.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

No, I think my Bull****ometer redlined a couple of days ago. Maybe it’ll recalibrate itself over the long weekend.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well Maj, what are your feelings up to this point?


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I asked my counselor about this at the end of our regular session yesterday. She said we should do the things we enjoy doing and don't worry about who may or may not be present. 

BTW I have had no discussions with the W regarding concerns about the night out, and she has not mentioned any concerns for her. It's this Friday night and we are looking forward to it - hopefully I won't drink too much Guinness!


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

MyRevelation said:


> Blondilocks said:
> 
> 
> > Well, I think it's the BH's call as to whether he wants to subject himself to a possible crap sandwich. His wife isn't making an issue of it.
> ...


Did you take your meds today?


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Your wife's affair was 15 years ago. If either or both of you are healthy and normal, this really shouldn't be an issue. You don't even know if he will be there, and it is something you really want to go and enjoy. I don't consider being trapped by someone else's potential presence I position of strength. If you want to go, go.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I suppose MAJ could leave his wife at home; but, then he wouldn't have the pleasure of her company.
> 
> The NC is established to put an end to the affair. That was accomplished many years ago. If MAJ doesn't have worries, then there is no reason he has to live his life in fear of running into the guy.
> 
> ...


NC is not just for the WS it is also for the BS.
Contact stirs up bad memories and bad emotions for the WS and the BS.

NC is not just to end affairs.
NC is to prevent affairs from restarting.
NC allows healing to take place for the WS and the BS.
NC starts repairing the broken trust, and keeps the trust glued back together
by the BS being able to verify there is NC.
NC prevents the OM from gloating in front of the BS's face.
NC blocks the AP from doing fishing trips for the WS.

Do not understate the whole purpose for NC.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I think there are caveats to NC. If I reconciled and was eating at my favorite restaurant with my wife and OM showed up, I'm not leaving and if anyone is going to be uncomfortable it will be him.
> 
> Odds are good he would move far enough away to not risk being near me anyway.:wink2:>


I can see finishing the meal. Though I would leave ASAP and get coffe and desert 
somewhere else. Then to maintain NC I would not go back to that restaurant again.

Another example why it is best to move far away from the AP and where the affair
took place when working towards recovery. Removing triggers and removing the
opportunity for NC to get broken.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Did you take your meds today?


Seriously, why’d you post this topic?

You’re M’d to a serial cheater that you have taken untold grief defending.

You had to have anticipated you’d take more **** over this and if it weren’t bothering you, you wouldn’t have posted this question.

If you were inclined to go anyway ... why post the question?

So, since it’s an issue with you ... why not listen to your own moral compass or basic sense of right and wrong and assert some control for once and put your foot down?

Honestly, your WW should have stepped up and put a stop to this, but she’s a serial cheater that has never been called out on her BS. Therefore, man up or accept it when people question your testicular fortitude.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> NC is not just for the WS it is also for the BS.
> Contact stirs up bad memories and bad emotions for the WS and the BS.
> 
> NC is not just to end affairs.
> ...


If you're still doing this after 15 years, I think it's time for you to throw in the towel. Life is too short to live it in a prison of your own making.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm not peotecting the guilty. As long as OP will be there with WW, what's wrong????
> She won't have to talk or even glance at OM at all. Each party can mind their own business.
> 
> IF OP wouldn't attend, then I wouldn't be OK with WS going. But OP will be there. What's the problem here????


NC is for the WS and the BS. Even at a large venue with lots of people will not guarantee NC.
Being that the WS and the BS are not looking to make eye contact there is no guarantee that
eye contact will not happen. Once eye contact happens there are no guarantees that the OM
does not smirk at them.

It is fantasy land to think there is anything positive happening by allowing any form of NC
to be broken.

Affair memories do not need to be triggered because NC was broken. There is no justification
to self inflict additional pain.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> No contact does not mean what you think it means.
> 
> It means no contact with the other party.
> 
> It does NOT mean avoid any area where the other party might possibly, perhaps could be.


No Contact exactly means no contact. To have NC means that all steps must be
taken to avoid NC from being broken. There is no recreational activity that is worth
the price form the harm done and the pain felt when NC is broken.

Breaking NC is playing with fire for some many reasons. No can anyone convince
that it is ok to play with fire.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> If you're still doing this after 15 years, I think it's time for you to throw in the towel. Life is too short to live it in a prison of your own making.


It’s just part of choosing reconciliation.

I will hold a hatred towards OM until the day I die.

If I can’t have a free pass for aggravated assault, then I don’t need to be in the same area as him.

IMHO, you would be better served trying to understand the male psychie than trying to change it.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> It’s just part of choosing reconciliation.
> 
> I will hold a hatred towards OM until the day I die.
> 
> ...


IMHO, you would be better served tending to your own style of reconciliation and let others tend to theirs.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Your wife's affair was 15 years ago. If either or both of you are healthy and normal, this really shouldn't be an issue. You don't even know if he will be there, and it is something you really want to go and enjoy. I don't consider being trapped by someone else's potential presence I position of strength. If you want to go, go.


There is no time limit for maintaining NC.
There is no time limit for affairs restarting.
There are to many people looking at the tree and are ignoring the forest.

A BS saying consequences be damn I am going to break NC nothing bad will happen.
Reminds me of all the WS that said I am going to bang the AP for nothing bad will happen.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MyRevelation said:


> Seriously, why’d you post this topic?
> 
> You’re M’d to a serial cheater that you have taken untold grief defending.
> 
> ...


Yup. You should take the weekend and regroup.

If reconciliation threads trigger you like this, I'd suggest you avoid them. You're not even making sense at this point.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> If you're still doing this after 15 years, I think it's time for you to throw in the towel. Life is too short to live it in a prison of your own making.


Maintaining NC is not living in a prison. It is filling the castle moat with piranha.

Nothing good comes from breaking NC. The bad memories, forgotten are now 
recalled along with the pain associated with those memories. Along with all of
the other reasons for NC.

The bar, the restaurant, club, whatever that the AP goes to is not the only
bar, restaurant, club, whatever that the WS and the BS can go to.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> It’s just part of choosing reconciliation.
> 
> I will hold a hatred towards OM until the day I die.
> 
> ...





Blondilocks said:


> IMHO, you would be better served tending to your own style of reconciliation and let others tend to theirs.


NC is NC all the time in every way.

As to never forgiving the AP. Forgiving the AP is never needed for the BS to recover
their marriage. As much as I dislike the OM, those feelings never decreased and never will.
Though I do not think about him or wish that his life goes bad. He is not worth that
effort or time to me.

Reminds of a saying: I would not even piss on him if he was on fire.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> I can see finishing the meal. Though I would leave ASAP and get coffe and desert
> somewhere else. Then to maintain NC I would not go back to that restaurant again.
> 
> Another example why it is best to move far away from the AP and where the affair
> ...


Everyone has to work with what they have and the dynamic that works for them. I am a conquerer and I don't give ground to enemies. Mrs. C knows me. She loves, respects and almost worships me. She would not betray me for anyone. If I ever found myself in an alternate universe where something happened with her and another man and I was still with her, the OM would live in fear until he was far from my influence.

To each their own. My enemies fear me.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Deejo said:


> Yup. You should take the weekend and regroup.
> 
> If reconciliation threads trigger you like this, I'd suggest you avoid them. You're not even making sense at this point.


QFT. You crack me up in a good fashion.:grin2:


----------



## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Tilted 1 said:


> Well Maj, what are your feelings up to this point?


Well, what I am hearing are two camps. One very vocal camp is advocating for total NC if there's even a chance of contact with the OM, intended or not. The other camp leans towards my next point. I always thought NC meant not seeking out the OM, and not allowing him an opportunity to seek her out, including intermediaries. This is what the W advocated for and I agreed with long ago.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> Well, what I am hearing are two camps. One very vocal camp is advocating for total NC if there's even a chance of contact with the OM, intended or not. The other camp leans towards my next point. I always thought NC meant not seeking out the OM, and not allowing him an opportunity to seek her out, including intermediaries. This is what the W advocated for and I agreed with long ago.


 Your and her interpretations are all that matter. Let me run this by you though. If you go and you see OM there are you going to be able to just blow it off and have fun. What if he's there and you catch your wife stealing glances at him or looking for him all night. Will you be OK? If so go, if not consider all of the variables with an open honest mind and decide from there. And I guess most importantly is the band worth it, is the juice worth the squeeze? If you're honest with yourself the decision should be easy.


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Rubix Cubed said:


> *What if he's there and you catch your wife stealing glances at him *or* looking for him all night*. Will you be OK? If so go, if not consider all of the variables with an open honest mind and decide from there. And I guess most importantly is the band worth it, is the juice worth the squeeze? If you're honest with yourself the decision should be easy.


Seriously??? Is this what you fear? 

But if he catches his wife stealing glances then it means* R was not genuine in the first place. *Therefore, BETTER FOR OP so that he can dump her right away and not live in false R, because she's NOT worth it!!! 

This will be a test for this R and his WW!!! I'd rather he goes, even for the above reason that I quoted!!

Do you think it's worth leaving in fear because of your WS's actions and OM's??
Over-guarding your WS and even controlling places to go and the looks that she has to throw at others?? 
Making the OM impact and dictate where you should go and when??? 
Fearing the presence of OM??? 
Do you think that's a real R??
Do you think that's a marriage worth saving?? 
Do you even think that's a marriage??? 

Do you think that's life????
Is this whole effort worth it in the end??? 

OP, if I had doubts about the glance that the WS might throw at OM, I wouldn't even R with that woman! 
But I don't think you have those fears. So, go to the party, and if your WS acts inappropriately, this alone would be another more reason to *not *be with that woman.

Simple.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Deejo said:


> Yup. You should take the weekend and regroup.
> 
> If reconciliation threads trigger you like this, I'd suggest you avoid them. You're not even making sense at this point.


R is not the trigger ... it’s dishonesty, which just happens to be quite common in R threads. Don’t confuse two totally separate issues.

BTW, I did learn something ... TAM software will not let you put a mod on ignore.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MyRevelation said:


> BTW, I did learn something ... TAM software will not let you put a mod on ignore.


I know EXACTLY how you feel.

You don't seem much better today. Remember, I'm here to help.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> Seriously??? Is this what you fear?
> 
> But if he catches his wife stealing glances then it means* R was not genuine in the first place. *Therefore, BETTER FOR OP so that he can dump her right away and not live in false R, because she's NOT worth it!!!
> 
> ...


 Certainly not what I fear, it's not about me. If it was it still wouldn't be an issue because if I was Majdeath I would have left her a long time ago. In following his story since he got here, I posted those questions as I thought they were pertinent to him and his situation. After all, This IS a help forum, not an opinion poll.


----------



## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> Well, what I am hearing are two camps. One very vocal camp is advocating for total NC if there's even a chance of contact with the OM, intended or not. The other camp leans towards my next point. I always thought NC meant not seeking out the OM, and not allowing him an opportunity to seek her out, including intermediaries. This is what the W advocated for and I agreed with long ago.


Not allowing the opportunity means preventing NC from being broken.

Knowing that the OM will be there is allowing the opportunity to happen.
Manure happens, the saying goes. Allowing yourselves to go where you know the
chances are good that the OM will be there is not just a case of manure happens.
It is deliberately increasing the risk that NC can be broken.

Past experience has shown you and your WW that the odds are good that the OM
will be there.

I will restate NC is for the WS and the BS.

QUESTION:

Does this group of friends know that he and your WW had sex?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> Seriously??? Is this what you fear?
> 
> But if he catches his wife stealing glances then it means* R was not genuine in the first place. *Therefore, BETTER FOR OP so that he can dump her right away and not live in false R, because she's NOT worth it!!!
> 
> ...


What about there being alcohol
What about the OM is smirking all night at the OP
What about the OP and OM exchange words, gets so pissed off, fight breaks out
What if the OP loses the fight
What if the OM gets put in the hospital
What if the OM has OP arrested, criminal record
What if the OP gets fined, jail time, prison record
What if the OM sues the OP for the hospital bills
What is the OP going to do when he lost his job and now he has to find a new job with a criminal record.

Will this happen?

Not every time, though it has happened, sadly.

No band is worth the risk breaking NC.

Why jeopardize the recovery by letting NC get broken. NC is to prevent affairs from restarting.

When WW has an affair her brain chemistry produce strong chemicals from the high
that her affair with the OM gave her. These chemicals are highly addictive. This is
why many a WW have slipped of the wagon and restarted the affair even when wanting to
recover their marriage.

WW addiction to those brain chemicals caused her to keep banging her OM. NC caused the
brain to detox because without contact the brain stops producing those chemicals. So the WW
is able to not want to be with the OM.

But as with any addict, alcohol, drugs, you put the addictive substance in front of the addict
and they will give into their addiction.

Unfortunately many that have not had a WS do not understand the need for NC.

NC is not about I am not going to let no POSOM keeping from this or that.

NC is about keeping the WW drug addict away from their OM drug.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

oldtruck said:


> MAJDEATH said:
> 
> 
> > Well, what I am hearing are two camps. One very vocal camp is advocating for total NC if there's even a chance of contact with the OM, intended or not. The other camp leans towards my next point. I always thought NC meant not seeking out the OM, and not allowing him an opportunity to seek her out, including intermediaries. This is what the W advocated for and I agreed with long ago.
> ...


Only 1 person from the group knows, my older brother. Some others know that OM tried to start something with my W while I was overseas fighting the war.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

oldtruck said:


> lovelygirl said:
> 
> 
> > Seriously??? Is this what you fear?
> ...


The scenario you describe sounds like it relates to a recent, still raw R just after an A. Ours happened 15 yrs ago. I don't think she needs a hit of the OM drug anymore.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MAJDEATH said:


> Well, what I am hearing are two camps. One very vocal camp is advocating for total NC if there's even a chance of contact with the OM, intended or not. The other camp leans towards my next point. I always thought NC meant not seeking out the OM, and not allowing him an opportunity to seek her out, including intermediaries. This is what the W advocated for and I agreed with long ago.





MAJDEATH said:


> The scenario you describe sounds like it relates to a recent, still raw R just after an A. Ours happened 15 yrs ago. I don't think she needs a hit of the OM drug anymore.


I don't claim to be as familiar with your story as others, but if memory serves, wasn't an election official visiting you guys a few months ago, and you felt the need to tell him to keep his distance from your wife?

The affair may have happened 15 years ago, but the occurrence above would lend credence to the idea that you don't trust your wife to be faithful in the face of temptation. If such is the case, then I think it's unwise to attend this party.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

BioFury said:


> I don't claim to be as familiar with your story as others, but if memory serves, wasn't an election official visiting you guys a few months ago, and you felt the need to tell him to keep his distance from your wife?
> 
> 
> 
> The affair may have happened 15 years ago, but the occurrence above would lend credence to the idea that you don't trust your wife to be faithful in the face of temptation. If such is the case, then I think it's unwise to attend this party.


What??? Really???

OP, what's the point of keeping ALL MEN at a distance from your wife? If you can't trust her enough....even after 15 years post DDAY, you should divorce her. I mean...you should have done it 14 years ago for that matter.

This doesn't make sense at all. How does your wife feel?? You haven't shared much about her. Maybe she's not doing proper R.

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> What??? Really???
> 
> OP, what's the point of keeping ALL MEN at a distance from your wife? If you can't trust her enough....even after 15 years post DDAY, you should divorce her. I mean...you should have done it 14 years ago for that matter.
> 
> ...


You only have to lose your house to a forest fire once. That makes you
vigilant to prevent future forest fires.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> You only have to lose your house to a forest fire once. That makes you
> vigilant to prevent future forest fires.


Yeah, but OP’s house has burned down multiple times and he keeps rebuilding on the same rotten foundation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> What??? Really???
> 
> OP, what's the point of keeping ALL MEN at a distance from your wife? If you can't trust her enough....even after 15 years post DDAY, you should divorce her. I mean...you should have done it 14 years ago for that matter.
> 
> ...


She has still had some boundary issues to work through.

Better late than never.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

lovelygirl said:


> What??? Really???
> 
> OP, what's the point of keeping ALL MEN at a distance from your wife? If you can't trust her enough....even after 15 years post DDAY, you should divorce her. I mean...you should have done it 14 years ago for that matter.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, this isn't anything he hasn't heard before. Despite her faults, he desires to stay with her. I don't remember him explaining why before. He can be a little defensive about it, and usually doesn't answer when asked.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> She has still had some boundary issues to work through.
> 
> Better late than never.


Boundery issues to work through .... after .... 15 years???

CH, you could say that if it was 6 months within R, but not 15 years.

:|


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I cant imagine what it must be like to have to warn people away from your spouse because you can't trust your spouse to have some boundaries.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> Boundery issues to work through .... after .... 15 years???
> 
> CH, you could say that if it was 6 months within R, but not 15 years.
> 
> :|


I've been all over Maj since day one. He is satisfied with his R so watchoogonnadoo.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Turns out OM was a no-show, so a non-issue after all.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I cant imagine what it must be like to have to warn people away from your spouse because you can't trust your spouse to have some boundaries.


No one has said that, are you speculating? There are no boundary issues that I am aware of.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Which OM? How many OM’s have their been, I lost count. Seriously, for some background, how many?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

MAJDEATH said:


> Turns out OM was a no-show, so a non-issue after all.


Glad to hear that. I hope you had fun. Think of the nice evening you'd have missed if you were still as dysfunctional as some of the people who cling to their moral high ground/betrayal years and years later.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> Glad to hear that. I hope you had fun. Think of the nice evening you'd have missed if you were still as dysfunctional as some of the people who cling to their moral high ground/betrayal years and years later.


Insisting on 100% NC has nothing to do with any morals or any ground be it high or low.

It is protecting the marriage first.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's always easy to see who has been OD ing over at the cult site lol


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Which OM? How many OM’s have their been, I lost count. Seriously, for some background, how many?


Geez, sick burn bro.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BioFury said:


> Geez, sick burn bro.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


I've lost track.too.and I've been reading his posts since he started.

There was another guy here who had the craziest cheating wife ever with uncounted OM's but Maj's wife has a pretty crazy history. She might be in second place.

They had a pretty ****ed up past though and I sincerely hope they are both healthier now.

Some of his posts seem to indicate that they are healthier.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

MAJDEATH said:


> No one has said that, are you speculating? There are no boundary issues that I am aware of.


The boundary talking is probably in regards to a fairly recent post of yours about some low level politician who was visiting your wife, in your house, when no one else was there.

I think you got her to see your discomfort with that situation.

She should have had that figured out a long time ago though, shouldn't she?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> Turns out OM was a no-show, so a non-issue after all.


So, look at what we have here, folks!










Only it seems we are beating a dead unicorn.

As a result, I will close this thread as its original purpose has been rendered null and void.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> So, look at what we have here, folks!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Unicorn? Your unicorn is missing his horn! Strange, very strange.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Unicorn? Your unicorn is missing his horn! Strange, very strange.


It got broken off.


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