# Dwindling sex in marriage



## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

As I sit here picking over the past of my marriage and the many reasons it failed, trying to make sure I take some life lessons from it, I noticed something else. When my husband and I first got together the sex was frequent and pretty good. But I say pretty good because I have never been able to orgasm through penetrative sex alone. My husband would at least make some small attempts to pleasure me, and we found a position that worked for me. 

A year after we got married, I had to come off the hormonal contraceptive pill and instead I had a copper IUD fitted. This is when the issues started. Aside from the fact my body tried to reject the IUD and I was in pain for a couple of months, I noticed my drive for sex reduced. We would still, on occasion, but my husband would complain about the 'strings'. He didn't tell me despite me asking, but I think this led to him not enjoying the position that had previously worked for me before. Over time, our sex became very transactional. He stopped making any effort to ensure I got something from it. If I asked him to help me, he would do so reluctantly, he'd look bored, disinterested. So over time I also became disinterested. 

My weight started creeping up also, and that left me feeling less attractive. I started preferring going to bed with a good book and getting alot of sleep. This was probably now 2 years after we married. It then seemed we wouldn't be initiating sex at the right time for one of us. He said he didn't like morning sex, then he started not liking evening sex, he would be happy if I whipped my clothes off some time after dinner before he was too tired once or twice a week. As I was feeling I wasn't getting anything from it, I'd often (not always) cite reasons not to. After around 4 years of marriage, my cycle started going haywire. I also started to get too warm in bed for long cuddles and preferred to be cool. My husband voiced frustration in this saying it was interfering in our sex life. It surely was dwindling out the last of the opportunities we were making. He would not touch me during those times. 

More and more we drifted apart in a busy life, rarely reconnecting. My husband is not a tactile person either, so there wasn't other little hugs, kisses on the cheek, foot/shoulder rubs, hand holding, or any small gesture to help us connect. I was the one that gave those, regularly whenever I'd walk past him, but didn't receive.

As we had finally, after a few years of decision, decided that we did not want children, I asked my husband to consider a vasectomy. He has a narrow tubes issue also which means it takes him a long time to urinate. I asked if we could discuss with the Dr if a procedure to correct that could be performed at the same time as this was something my husband found embarrassing. My husband wasn't sure and didn't even look into it.

Because my husband was only voicing frustration with my cycle, despite me trying to talk to him, I ended up in tears to my Dad one day. He encouraged me to get checked out. I did and they did find a couple of small but not threatening issues. I attended all these scans and appointments on my own (same as I had when I had the IUD fitted and god knows how I drove myself 10 miles home with my uterus trying to eject the foreign object!). The Dr wanted to hormone test me for early peri-menopause (I was 40 then) and I was supposed to go on a specific day of my cycle... like just leave work and go and get bloods done... but then COVID came along and lock down happened. We'd been married 5 years by now. I still have never made it for those blood tests.

This was all around the time I told my husband we seriously needed to work on our marriage. I told him I was not getting anything from sex, I told him I felt he would have to learn to be comfortable with sex if I was lightly bleeding if indeed I was just reaching that time of my life, and I suggested we look into getting some toys to play with so reinvigorate us in the bedroom. He told me he did not like the idea of sex while I am bleeding but agreed to get some toys. I asked him to help me look. He never did. I felt he'd become a lazy lover. I told him I needed more from him than a perfunctory missionary and him climaxing and rolling over. Bodily functions mostly grossed my husband out, that's part of the reason he wasn't tactile.

Now we are separated and filing for divorce. This is not the reason, but one of many in why our marriage ended. Now I am living alone, I decided to take the courage to buy myself a 'toy'... and my sex drive has returned. Interestingly my cycle has also settled down again. I still get hot at night, but I'm wondering were my hormones at play here which is what I'd previously put it down to, or was there something more? Does this happen alot to married 40 somethings?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Hello,

Thanks for posting your past. Just wanted to confirm, you have mentioned about the marriage, is it because you would like help to reconcile , or is it to let us know about the body changes happening when it comes to sex ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

but often it is gone to far and too much damage has been done , 

first YOU USED the the hormonal contraceptive pill which did not go well with you and then you tried the copper IUD both of which played with you and your hormone's 
often these play with your responses and while they act well as contraception they do have side effects for many women , 

then the stress of living in what was not a good relationship impacted on your cycle and sex drive , 
MY WIFE WHEN she was young lived in Germany for a year and all that time she never had a cycle , 

we can't blame everything on just one thing and often we never know just what was wrong in a past relationship , 
and it takes two to make it but one to brake it , but often it is a case of that the 2 brake it in their own ways , 
every action courses a reaction


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MarmiteC said:


> I have never been able to orgasm through penetrative sex alone.


You're not "alone" in that. Many women can't. They need more direct stimulation in order to orgasm.



MarmiteC said:


> agreed to get some toys. I asked him to help me look. He never did.


You're not alone in that, either. Many men are threatened by toys. They feel lower than a whale's belly if they cant bring their wives to orgasm
with their penises. This may have contributed to his disinterest. Boys who are not good at athletics are usually "disinterested" in baseball.



MarmiteC said:


> I'm wondering were my hormones at play here which is what I'd previously put it down to, or was there something more?


I'm not a doctor, I can't speak to the hormonal issues. But it is logical to conclude, especially as you experienced trouble with contraceptives .

I think your resentment of your husband was a big factor. No more husband, no more resentment.

Besides...... there's no person in the world who knows what "works" and what feels good like YOU. It's normal.....
regular sex improves the menstrual syndrome for many women, too.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Look into bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. It's magic for some people. Results may vary. 

Good luck with your new life. Make the most of it. Life is too short to waste it on a bad marriage.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MarmiteC said:


> As I sit here picking over the past of my marriage and the many reasons it failed, trying to make sure I take some life lessons from it, I noticed something else. When my husband and I first got together the sex was frequent and pretty good. But I say pretty good because I have never been able to orgasm through penetrative sex alone. My husband would at least make some small attempts to pleasure me, and we found a position that worked for me.
> 
> A year after we got married, I had to come off the hormonal contraceptive pill and instead I had a copper IUD fitted. This is when the issues started. Aside from the fact my body tried to reject the IUD and I was in pain for a couple of months, I noticed my drive for sex reduced. We would still, on occasion, but my husband would complain about the 'strings'. He didn't tell me despite me asking, but I think this led to him not enjoying the position that had previously worked for me before. Over time, our sex became very transactional. He stopped making any effort to ensure I got something from it. If I asked him to help me, he would do so reluctantly, he'd look bored, disinterested. So over time I also became disinterested.
> 
> ...


It seems like the biggest issue here was choosing a ****ty lover, not you or your hormones. 

You say he _became_ a lazy lover but it sounds like he always was one.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


bobert said:



It seems like the biggest issue here was choosing a ****ty lover, not you or your hormones.

You say he became a lazy lover but it sounds like he always was one.

Click to expand...

*Bobert hit the nail on the head.

OP, from the sounds of it, you married a real selfish ass. Forgetting the fact that he was a selfish ass in bed, God FORBID he actually took some responsibility - in ANY form - for contraception. He was a selfish ass in that respect as well.

Apparently, that was only your burden to bear all on your own and when it continually did damage to you physically, the asswipe *still* never even considered stepping in and doing *his* part. What a selfish ass.

You're well rid of him. I'd be celebrating right about now, not crying into my Wheaties about it.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Bobert hit the nail on the head.
> 
> OP, from the sounds of it, you married a real selfish ass. Forgetting the fact that he was a selfish ass in bed, God FORBID he actually took some responsibility - in ANY form - for contraception. He was a selfish ass in that respect as well.
> 
> ...


Believe me, this was better than the other 2 idiots I got engaged to but luckily had the foresight not to actually marry! 😆 I actually think this is a bigger part of why my marriage was not successful. I was not ready and neither was he. We had both recently exited abusive relationships when we got together. The relative fun and calm made us feel like we were great together and we didn't see some fundamental incompatibilities lying beneath.


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