# Why Stay?



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I have been reading alot of posts and it seems that those that have been cheated on are going through a very tough battle (understandably) daily to maintain their life/marriage/situation. I understand when you love your spouse and want to make things work after such a tragedy, but wouldn't it just make more sense to leave your spouse and move on with your life without all this stress/worry/anger, etc? It seems to be a roaller coaster of emotions that follow for years after an affair has been discovered. There are people out there that are faithful; why not go find one and be happier than you are right now? Why live in the misery of the aftermath of an affair? I know it's easier said then done, especially if children are involved. These are just my thoughts.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Fear and Love would be the short answer. 

I think the truth lies much closer to the former than the latter.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

In my case I haven't made a decision on to leave or stay but I can tell you with 100% certainty whether I stay or go I am in for years of heart break, pain and sadness. 

I am looking at locating a crystal ball to figure out with path will be the quickest healing process. No luck yet....


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

southern wife said:


> I have been reading alot of posts and it seems that those that have been cheated on are going through a very tough battle (understandably) daily to maintain their life/marriage/situation. I understand when you love your spouse and want to make things work after such a tragedy, but wouldn't it just make more sense to leave your spouse and move on with your life without all this stress/worry/anger, etc? It seems to be a roaller coaster of emotions that follow for years after an affair has been discovered. There are people out there that are faithful; why not go find one and be happier than you are right now? Why live in the misery of the aftermath of an affair? I know it's easier said then done, especially if children are involved. These are just my thoughts.


I agree that with kids, the scenarios are different. In terms of working things out after cheating, it is hard work. Leaving the person instead of trying to work things out seems like running away from the problem. We live in a society where we don't want to do hard things. The truth is, the greatest growth often comes from overcoming the greatest challenges.

Whether you stay or leave, you need to work out some of the problems in the relationship so that you can better prevent this in the future. There may have been things that you did that contributed in some way or another to the affair.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I stay because we just weren't healthy, but we could be 

I didn't take my vows lightly. We are slowly healing. It's part of life...

Oh, but there was no cheating. Oops.


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## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

I wonder this same thing. I have decided to stay and try to work things out. I know these images and these issues will be with us forever. The only thing I can say is that I truly believe this is an opportunity laid out before us to make our marriage better. We had both taken each other for granted for years. We have seen what can happen if our marriage is left untended. I feel why bail out and be with someone else when we have been through the most difficult any couple can go through. If we survive we will be so strong! I have been reading so much on Beyond Affairs and it really helped me believe marriages can thrive after this. I want to be one of those good statistics. I have never been so open and loving in my marriage as I am now...what have I got to lose right! If I feel something I express it and he allows me to. We are moving in a good direction and it feels right. Yes the hurt will always remain but anything worth having has some pain go along with it. Besides, another man will come to me with his own set of issues. I don't want that. Best of luck!


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

As painful and devastating as affairs are, they are typically just a symptom of larger problems in the marriage that both partners contributed to.

If your car breaks down and leaves you stranded on the side of the road because you did not maintain it, by choice or ignorance, do you try to fix it or just leave it for scrap? Its a personal decision and the amount of damage done is always a factor, but if you don't at least attempt to repair it and see what went wrong, your next car will probably suffer the same fate.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I think for some the decision is difficult and for others it is not. I made the decision to stay almost instantly, and with no reservation. That decision was made the moment I realized that she had an affair.

When I think back about the decision, I believe it was just purely based on my love for her. We have kids and lots of years of attachment, but I don’t believe those things came into the initial decision at all. I was only thinking about her.

Even though she had an affair, I still love her with all of my heart. I know that she is the woman I chose to dedicate my life and myself to. Nothing will ever change that for me. She is special to me. I have never in my life considered leaving her for someone better, or cheating on her, because she is all that I want, and I am completely satisfied with her.

On the flip side…..yes this is a struggle like nothing I have ever imagined. I cannot compare this to anything I have ever felt in my life. But at the same time, I know if I give up and walk away I will hate myself. I will hate myself for giving up on my family. And I know that I have made it through the worst parts so giving up now (9 months post) is simply ridicules.

Everyone has to make their own choice based on their own feelings. My initial decision just happened to be easy because I knew what I wanted.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

[QUOTEAs painful and devastating as affairs are, they are typically just a symptom of larger problems in the marriage that both partners contributed to.

If your car breaks down and leaves you stranded on the side of the road because you did not maintain it, by choice or ignorance, do you try to fix it or just leave it for scrap? Its a personal decision and the amount of damage done is always a factor, but if you don't at least attempt to repair it and see what went wrong, your next car will probably suffer the same fate. ][/QUOTE]
:iagree::iagree:
I am not staying...she is not interested...but the reason I tried so hard for R was that I feel that I am at fault for not taking care of problems before. and now after counseling I realize how good it could have been. Had she said yes to R I would be working on our relationship.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

bs193 said:


> As painful and devastating as affairs are, they are typically just a symptom of larger problems in the marriage that both partners contributed to.
> 
> If your car breaks down and leaves you stranded on the side of the road because you did not maintain it, by choice or ignorance, do you try to fix it or just leave it for scrap? Its a personal decision and the amount of damage done is always a factor, but if you don't at least attempt to repair it and see what went wrong, your next car will probably suffer the same fate.


:iagree: Good point, and good analogy.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

bs193 said:


> If your car breaks down and leaves you stranded on the side of the road because you did not maintain it, by choice or ignorance, do you try to fix it or just leave it for scrap? Its a personal decision and the amount of damage done is always a factor, but if you don't at least attempt to repair it and see what went wrong, your next car will probably suffer the same fate.


That is a very good analogy in some ways. While a car can't make the conscious choice to find another driver, both parties in the marriage contributed to some degree to the breakdown of the relationship. The choosing the other driver part is fully on the wayward spouse, but the poor condition of the marriage is on both. If you don't explore your part and work on improving yourself, your next car will be very likely to find a new driver as well.

I attempted R several times. Fear of what divorce would do to the kids was a strong motivator. Love for what my wife was at one point was another. Pit is right in that those two things seem to be the main factors in those choosing to try to reconcile. Some say it is better to live with the "devil you know" than try for a devil you don't know. My main motivation was trying to create a good marriage in order to be a good example for my children. Unfortunately, I still believe that how our marriage works out is likely to be how their marriages work out. I say unfortunately because we are currently separated discussing terms of divorce.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

southern wife said:


> I have been reading alot of posts and it seems that those that have been cheated on are going through a very tough battle (understandably) daily to maintain their life/marriage/situation. I understand when you love your spouse and want to make things work after such a tragedy, but wouldn't it just make more sense to leave your spouse and move on with your life without all this stress/worry/anger, etc? It seems to be a roaller coaster of emotions that follow for years after an affair has been discovered. There are people out there that are faithful; why not go find one and be happier than you are right now? Why live in the misery of the aftermath of an affair? I know it's easier said then done, especially if children are involved. These are just my thoughts.


I stay because I have no where else to go; because my child wants me to stay with H, and because he is trying so hard to make it up to me. That is not really possible of course, but the effort is appreciated. It has been like living in a bombed out city; every where you look, you see destruction and pain ;Hiroshima on the metaphorical level. It definitely would have been easier to leave. Whether the experience will make me a better person in some way, is yet to be determined, but I doubt it. There is very little good that comes from the destruction of another person's respect for you. I had the marriage I wanted, and I was proud of us. He says he was never planning to "leave" me, and that he "always loved" me. I guess he didn't think that lying to me for months and spending his time and money on the OW was not leaving me. How in the hell can anyone believe that someone "always loved" them while that person was canoodling with some cheap wh***? For a very long time it was all just a "mistake" to him. It took him way too long to understand that it was not a "mistake"; it was a long series of betrayals and lies; of putting me second to another person. What we had is gone; there are echoes of it from time to time, but our relationship will never be the same. It will never be as good for me, and it will go on hurting me to know that I was not important enough to him, for him to pass up a piece of a**. I certainly didn't enter into a marriage for it to become a cautionary tale for others.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I think for some the decision is difficult and for others it is not. I made the decision to stay almost instantly, and with no reservation. That decision was made the moment I realized that she had an affair.
> 
> When I think back about the decision, I believe it was just purely based on my love for her. We have kids and lots of years of attachment, but I don’t believe those things came into the initial decision at all. I was only thinking about her.
> 
> ...


I am completely oppostive.
My initial reaction was to kill her and the OM.
Then I thought of my son, and the reason to stay and TRY to work through this was apparent.
Over 3 months' time, still seeing IF I can work through it or not, I've also realized that my agony will be here with this woman, or with the next -- and unfair to the next, really. At least this one knows exactly what the situation is with me, and is working with me every single day regardless of my receptivity to her efforts because she IS so remorseful. The day that stops is the day I pack up and go.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I am completely oppostive.
> My initial reaction was to kill her and the OM.
> Then I thought of my son, and the reason to stay and TRY to work through this was apparent.
> Over 3 months' time, still seeing IF I can work through it or not, I've also realized that my agony will be here with this woman, or with the next -- and unfair to the next, really. At least this one knows exactly what the situation is with me, and is working with me every single day regardless of my receptivity to her efforts because she IS so remorseful. The day that stops is the day I pack up and go.


:iagree:

Like 2xloser, I'm burned for the 2nd time in a 2nd marriage. I promised myself that if this EVER happened to me again after being cheated on in my first marriage, I would kick her to the curb, no questions asked. 

However, this time around, I've invested 22 years of my life, it was an EA (PA is MY deal breaker), and the b!tch is so remorseful. That's the ONLY reason she's getting a second shot. 

Sure, a D would result in foreclosure, bankruptcy, half my military retirement pension gone, child support, and loss of primary custody of my younger son (the oldest is in the army reserves, going to college, and lives in his own apartment). But I don't care. I have respect for myself. I don't live in fear of D at all. My attitude to her is basically, Go ahead, make my day!  

R is damn tough alright, so I'm faking it till I make it. I will admit though, that in my complacency, I may have started going a little bit beta with her in the last couple of years. I've reasserted myself and am now the strong alpha male she fell in love with years ago, and she has responded accordingly. I've made it known to her that *if I meet the OM in the Philippines*, despite my military and LEO backround, he is in for a *wood shed beating* when I get my hands on him.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Love for me. Nuff said.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Like it-guy, I didn't want to let her go... when I found out about her affair I instantly forgave her - and took a couple days of thinking about it to REALIZE it, it took a few weeks longer to begin to understand why I forgave her, and it is at that point that I discovered the first affair was just the prelude to the bigger ongoing affair. I think I still default to forgive mode, but the wound just opened up wide, nor can I really forgive unless I know what I am forgiving... fear is partially holding me back from digging further because if the deeper wounds it may make, though at this point I am kind of numb to it. And throughout all of this she was completely insistent that she was done and never coming back to the marriage.

So though it "seems" that choosing to not stay is taking the easy way out, it is sometimes not really easy at all just necessary. Now 5 months after the affair (or atleast the first one I have discovered) I have pretty much completely detached, not for fear or love of her, but for love of myself. It is cruel and I am beginning to think impossible to actually reconcile at this point, any emotional relationship I would have with her would be completely new, so in reality I am obliged to go forward on the path that is best for me... if she wanted to R she has things going for her (ie mother of my child, core values, assuming she hasn't somehow changed hers or was untrue before, and even chemistry) but it would be unhealthy for me to nurture a new relationship if the same underlying issues haven't been fixed, and half of that is only under her control.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Simply put, I think it is selfish to just bounce at the initial discovery, and I know people first hand who regretted not even giving things a try. What's 6 or 12 months in a lifetime? Now granted, every situation is different, but in mine, despite my WW crushing my heart multiple times throughout our relationship, she is my match with respect to giving me freedom for my hobbies, no nagging, genuinely loving me (this can be contested, but trust me it's there beneath the attention addiction = affairs).

So I feel like you automatically become a pessimist after getting cheated on. Yes, you can replace a cheating b!tch with a pure, faithful girl, and to some, that is the only option. But what's the package deal? Perhaps it's heaven, but perhaps it's also a pure girl that nags, complains, and/or just is much more of a hassle than your previous lady. Then there are your internal trust issues which may punish the next spouse for nothing they did wrong. Everyone has to weigh their situation, but there is no box for all of our situations to fit into.

I also have kids, and I'm willing to put them ahead of myself for the time being and give things a whirl (not 20 years of a hollow relationship, but I'll fake it till we either make it or we come to terms that it's not going to happen).

If you are already looking for an out before the discovery of an affair, it's probably the easiest decision of your life. If you loved where you were and it comes to light, the situation is significantly different.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

For me, the answer is simply that he is the love of my life. He took a bad path, and was in such emotional turmoil during his EA. I agree with an earlier post that stated that this is the "for worse" in our marriage vows. I know that he does love me; he has to work to rebuild my trust. There is a part of me that loves him more; he knows now he is human and he screws up!! He had become very arrogant towards me when I, as he put it, "got my head up my ass". He cornered the market on that one, so he is so much more understanding of me in all situations. He realized that he needed more attention, and that I did too. We now give that to each other daily. This sounds crazy, but I feel like his EA was in some ways a gift to our marriage. I can't speak for others that were hurt by long term EA/PA affairs. His lasted only 7 weeks, and he came completely clean the night he told me. For that, I am thankful; couldn't handle trickle truth at all. We have been together for 21 years, married for 13; I couldn't throw that away because he cheated on me. Like I said, I think it depends on the severity, the truth told/hidden, and if the marriage was worth it before. The whole horrible thing showed us both what we were missing from each other. It brought us back to the people we fell in love with. It is so easy to get distracted by kids, work, etc. and forget your spouse and their needs. I chose to learn from what happened and never take him for granted; he has done the same. We have a stronger bond now and I hope that we will continue to grow.


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## jason29927 (Aug 1, 2011)

better than before said:


> For me, the answer is simply that he is the love of my life. He took a bad path, and was in such emotional turmoil during his EA. I agree with an earlier post that stated that this is the "for worse" in our marriage vows. I know that he does love me; he has to work to rebuild my trust. There is a part of me that loves him more; he knows now he is human and he screws up!! He had become very arrogant towards me when I, as he put it, "got my head up my ass". He cornered the market on that one, so he is so much more understanding of me in all situations. He realized that he needed more attention, and that I did too. We now give that to each other daily. This sounds crazy, but I feel like his EA was in some ways a gift to our marriage. I can't speak for others that were hurt by long term EA/PA affairs. His lasted only 7 weeks, and he came completely clean the night he told me. For that, I am thankful; couldn't handle trickle truth at all. We have been together for 21 years, married for 13; I couldn't throw that away because he cheated on me. Like I said, I think it depends on the severity, the truth told/hidden, and if the marriage was worth it before. The whole horrible thing showed us both what we were missing from each other. It brought us back to the people we fell in love with. It is so easy to get distracted by kids, work, etc. and forget your spouse and their needs. I chose to learn from what happened and never take him for granted; he has done the same. We have a stronger bond now and I hope that we will continue to grow.


I hope everything works out wonderfully for you two. I am so, so jealous.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> because my child wants me to stay with H, and because he is trying so hard to make it up to me. That is not really possible of course, but the effort is appreciated. It has been like living in a bombed out city; every where you look, you see destruction and pain ;Hiroshima on the metaphorical level. It definitely would have been easier to leave. Whether the experience will make me a better person in some way, is yet to be determined, but I doubt it. There is very little good that comes from the destruction of another person's respect for you. I had the marriage I wanted, and I was proud of us. He says he was never planning to "leave" me, and that he "always loved" me. I guess he didn't think that lying to me for months and spending his time and money on the OW was not leaving me. How in the hell can anyone believe that someone "always loved" them while that person was canoodling with some cheap wh***? For a very long time it was all just a "mistake" to him. It took him way too long to understand that it was not a "mistake"; it was a long series of betrayals and lies; of putting me second to another person. What we had is gone; there are echoes of it from time to time, but our relationship will never be the same. It will never be as good for me, and it will go on hurting me to know that I was not important enough to him, for him to pass up a piece of a**. I certainly didn't enter into a marriage for it to become a cautionary tale for others.




oakthorne, 

Did you write this or me? My same situation, but I 'm not sure if i'm staying yet.

~sammy


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## Ember (Jul 17, 2011)

Riverside MFT said:


> I agree that with kids, the scenarios are different. In terms of working things out after cheating, it is hard work. Leaving the person instead of trying to work things out seems like running away from the problem. We live in a society where we don't want to do hard things. The truth is, the greatest growth often comes from overcoming the greatest challenges.
> 
> Whether you stay or leave, you need to work out some of the problems in the relationship so that you can better prevent this in the future. There may have been things that you did that contributed in some way or another to the affair.


Amen brother...I couldn't have said it better myself


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Southernwife: have you been cheated on by your spouse before? 

Some stay cause they really love their spouse and think it can be worked through/restores. Some never entertain the idea of working it out because they see infidelity as a dealbreaker, the ultimate betrayal.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Same ? As jellybeans; what is your situation? I have friends say casually, " If he cheated, I'd be gone!" It is not always that simple! Just curious where you are...
,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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