# Spouse Will Not Recognize Own Mental Issues, really starting to take a toll. . .



## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

Hi, I really need any advice I can get. I really have no one else to talk to, I don't want to make my husband look bad to our friends and family, and I just feel stuck. 

I really don't even know where to begin, I could write an entire book on the turbulence of our relationship. We have been married for one year and together for 9 (living together for 8 yrs total) He has always had serious insecurity, trust, and abandonment issues which I thought would decrease as our relationship continued. I myself have bipolar disorder and have been on med's and going to regular therapy sessions for about 3 years now, so I'm not perfect and have had my share of mess up's in our relationship but I decided I needed to get treatment and went out and got it. He on the other hand blames almost (95%) of everything on me alone, always makes himself out to be the victim, either looses his temper completly or is completly passive (like right now he is in the other room blasting rock songs that are singing about lying women who screw over the men they are with, no doubt he is doing it completly on purpose) and I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time. I am so exhausted both emotionally and physically and just can't deal with it anymore. 

He has a college degree but graduated 5 years ago, since then he has been living off his left over college fund money and has not had a job. He keeps saying he's looking for a job etc. but he isn't. He doesn't help me clean or do anything around the house, he won't even make his own food. I literally do everything and if I don't then it doesn't get done. I go to school full time (double major), work part time, and do everything around the house. If I bring it up he either gets pissed off or says he'll help and never does. To make matters worse his dad comitted suicide 6 months ago and he has just gotten worse, hardly gets out of bed. He has also since become paranoid and convinces himself of things that didn't really happen. One of his friends gave us bed bugs (didn't tell my husband that his house was infested so they got brought back to our house) which got bad for a bit but then we got rid of them. However, he insists that they are crawling into his skin and living there. When I showed him articles written on bed bugs and how they DO NOT live in peoples skin he just said they were wrong and that he has proof (he picks at his skin and collects any little speck of dirt). I researched and found out it is a condition where people convince themselves that bugs are living on them but it is hard to treat because they don't think that they are wrong. I kept trying to tell him that there were no bugs and that he was just mentally convincing himself and he blew up and almost divorced me. The only way I could get him to stop picking at his skin (and I mean severe picking, many open wounds and cuts all over his skin) was to basically agree with him but convince him the "bugs" were demodex (eyelash mite) that has gotten out of control due to stress, low immune system, etc. He has been using medication to heal his skin at least but there are no bugs at all. 

Unfortunately he also convinces himself of things that are not true. He turns everything I do or say into "your lying to me" "your a liar", thinks I go out and cheat on him etc. or says that he hears me doing drugs when I'm not (I'm a recovered addict). If I say that he is wrong and that I'm not doing those things he just blows up and says "I heard you". I don't know what he's hearing but I was not doing any drugs. He also said I seen you hide something when I walked in, I was eating some breakfast and hid nothing. I feel like no matter what I do he is going to find something wrong or something to say I lied about, I can never do anything right even though I wait on him hand and foot. I know that this behavior is just enabling but it's the only way I can keep him somewhat clam and when he's not calm and fighting with me for days I can't concentrate on my school work and it triggers my bipolar disorder and go into a depressive state. His friends have approaced me and said that they are worried about him and can see that his mental state has changed but no one knows what to do because A) He won't acknowledge it, and B) He would never consent to get help. I have brought up marriage counseling and he just flips out, he won't go with me to my therapy sessions and just basically says I'm the one with the problems and not him. If I forced him/admitted him to get help he would go nuts and possible kill himself or divorce me. I have never wanted to leave him before, or even thought about it, I love him and we do have moments of greatness but lately those moments are rare. 

I feel like I have to just give up my pride and agree to things that I didn't do or see to just keeps things civil. If I disagree with him about anything he flips out and I just don't want to live like this. He won't get help and I feel like why am I even married? I don't have a partner in life, he doesn't bring anything to the marraige except pain and anxiety and I feel like I'm raising a child and not growing together with an adult. 

Sorry this is so long but I really don't have anyone else to talk to for advice and I'm reaching the end of my rope. I really do love my husband but I can't make him care about himself or our marraige, I can't make him want to do something with his life and I can't make him get help. Any advice would be appreicated, Thank You.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

On my...I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your husband is certainly mentally ill. I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like he has strong traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. The bug thing is known as "delusions of parasitosis". It is EXTREMELY difficult to treat, because as you said, there are no bugs. The only treatment is antipsychotic medications. Which it sounds like he needs desperately. 

If you're going to counseling, have you talked with the therapist about him? You are in a very difficult situation. You cannot fix your husband. He has to admit he has problems first of all, then he has to want to improve himself. It doesn't sound likely that he will even see that he has a problem, because he has some psychoses that prevent him from seeing reality. Don't make yourself responsible for him. You aren't. Talk to your counselor about this ASAP.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

BlueEyes, I agree with Waking that you are describing strong traits of BPD, among other things. I also agree with her that you should speak with a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar.

An easy place to start reading, here on TAM, is my post about BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Waking and several other TAM members also are very familiar with BPD traits and issues. Take care, BlueEyes.


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

Thanks, 
I actually hadn't even considered BPD at all. I know that his mother suffers from mental issues but I don't think she has ever had a proper screening and I believe self medicates, so this is where I think his refusal to get treatment developed from. Come to think of it they have a lot of the same symptoms and she very much fits the profile of BPD. I'll read up on it. 

I have talked a bit to my therapist about our problems but not in detail, and yes I agree it would help. It just feels nice to be able to tell someone. Thanks again.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

OMG if you knew him and his issues for 8 years why on God's earth did you go ahead and marry him??????


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

Love is blind, some people are predisposed to being attracted to this type of relationship. Like I said I have a mental disorder myself so I sympathise with others who do as well, I know what it's like to deal with something like that. 

Also, at times he's wonderful we have the same thoughts on fundamental things like politics, religion, etc. We have the same sense of humor, like the same music, shows, etc. Being that I'm not a super traditional sort of a person and hold many beliefs that differ from most people I meet, those traits are hard to find in someone else.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

pale-blue-eyes said:


> Some people are predisposed to being attracted to this type of relationship. Like I said I have a mental disorder myself so I sympathise with others who do as well, I know what it's like to deal with something like that.


Anyone who's been living with a BPDer for 8 years almost certainly is an excessive caregiver (i.e., "codependent") like I am. Our problem is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). We therefore tend to mistake "being needed" for "being loved." The result is that we will walk right on past all the emotionally available people (BORING) until we find someone who desperately needs us.


> I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.


You should STOP doing that. That enabling behavior is harmful to your H as well as to you. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells. _I also offer you some more suggestions:

*As an initial matter,* I recommend that you NOT tell your H that you suspect he has BPD. If he is a BPDer, he almost certainly will project the accusation right back onto you, believing YOU to be the BPDer. Instead, simply encourage him to see a good psychologist (not a MC) and let the psych decide what to tell him.

*Second,* if you decide to get a divorce, I suggest you read _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._ It was written by the same author of the _Eggshells_ book I mentioned above.

*Third,* I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. This issue is such an enormous problem that that website is growing by 20 new members every day. The result is that it offers eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The ones that likely will be most helpful to you are the "Staying" and "Leaving" boards.

*Fourth,* while you are at BPDfamily.com, I suggest you read the excellent articles in their resources section. My favorite is article #9 at T9 Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder - Columbia University, New York. I also recommend Kathy Batesel's article at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. And, if you've not already done so, I recommend you read my post at the link I provided above.

*Fifth,* I again suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with -- and how likely it is she may pass it on to your son. As I've explained in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists generally are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder.

*Finally*, please don't forget those of us on this TAM forum. We want to keep trying to answer your questions and providing emotional support as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. Moreover, by sharing your own experiences here, you likely are helping many other members and lurkers.


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