# Opinions...my conscience is bugging me



## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

One of the last things she texted me is playing on my conscience, and I’d appreciate all of your opinions. Here’s the deal:

When we married, she put me on the mortgage as co-owner. So, our house. I paid half the bills and the mortgage monthly, like clockwork. When we split, she was in a hurry to get me the hell out of there. I took on her 3 step kids when we married…6, 10, 12 at the time. During separation, I stayed in the house for 2 months to save money for an apartment. I had no place to stay…no other choice. During this time, she offered me 20,000, plus she had me replaced on the mortgage by her aunt. I accepted her offer, with no friction. I felt she should keep the house since (a) it was hers when I met her and (b) her kids needed a home and I didn’t want to remove them from their house.

My debt of 25,000, which was in OUR names now after we re-mortgaged because it was put on the house ( it was my debt in my name until we married, and to take a second mortgage we had to combine our debts into the house…no choice ), but was now in her name and her aunt’s since I was now off the mortgage. While married, I fed 300.00 a month towards this debt to pay it down…for about 3 years…and I kept doing so right until we split. I even offered to keep doing this, and offered to keep putting money in her bank account until it was paid off. She declined. I don’t know why, but it had something to do with “having no ties to me whatsoever”…

In September she texted me that she will never get out of debt because of me. It bothers her that I bought a car ( used ), and that I took advantage of her by accepting the 20 grand because “I’m a mother of 3 kids, and you knew I wouldn’t take you to court ( because her ex husband dragged her through courts for years to fight child support, and other inane matters…just to make her life hell…and yes, that’s true. ). 
My brother thinks I should give her 5 grand to rest my mind, because I feel somewhat guilty for her absorbing my debt in the house, which eats at the profit. She has been trying to sell since we split in April 2014, but it hasn’t sold. She began asking 359,000 and finally pulled it off the market this summer when she got no offers at 319,000. She’s renting rooms to students. There is 250,000 owing on the house. I think she has sour grapes because the house didn’t sell and her plan to unload didn’t happen…
In my eyes, it was all her choices, and I accepted her offer without a peep. No, I didn’t go to court, and maybe the judge would have given me more so why do I feel guilty? She did not want to try and save our 9 year marriage, no counselling, not even any talking about her leaving. She left stating she was unhappy, but after going through her phone records, she had been texting guys and my long-time friend through the 2 months I was still in the house, but separated…and I found numbers from a few other guys during our last few months of marriage…

Should I feel guilty? Should I just dismiss this guilt? Do I have an obligation? This plays on my mind daily, and I may have mentioned this briefly in an older post, but here’s the full story…


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

She offered. You accepted. There is nothing to feel guilty about. She knew the score when she offered you the deal. Her mistake is on her, not you. There is nothing to feel guilty about.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It seems pretty fair overall, so don't feel guilty. She got what she wanted, but now is second guessing her decision. It could have gone far worse for her if you'd taken it before the judge, so put this and her behind you and move on.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't let her poor choices since the initial deal influence you to make a poor choice now.

Do y'all have kids together, or just step kids?

I ask because I am trying to figure out why you still have contact with her.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

She's demonizing you. You did nothing wrong. Marriages fail, you did everything she asked. Sounds like your a fair guy and she knows it. She may be pulling on your emotional since of duty in order to come out a head financially.

If you give in and give her anything to placate her at this point she'll learn you are a source of easy income. She'll continue to hit you up in the future for money. She has the house, she has options to sell and downsize. 

These are all her choices and are independent of you. Stop giving her the time of day.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She fired you as her husband and paid you severance. 

She gave you that payout to assuage her guilt. So she's having a tough time? Poor baby. Let her stew in it.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

We have no kids together. She dropped off mail at that point, which was a letter that was still in my old address. We have no contact, it was a fluke I was home. She could have forwarded the mail, I know, but she was passing by...I don't contact her, or her me. This was just the last thing we said together, so it did play on me...and I need some reassurance...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Consider yourself reassured.

Are you in therapy?

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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

It was even stated in the sep agreement that I would pay 300.00/mth until October 31, 2014 OR until the house sold...whichever came first...and she signed this, and I kept my deal...don't know why she still gets in my head...divorce is upcoming...had to wait a year, and I am on her full benefits until we divorce...costs her nothing...her agreement to me in separating


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Saw 5 dif counsellors for the last year...I'm done with therapy...I'm much better now, but this little incident rented out a small space in my mind lately...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She's bitter about her choices, which she's not owning up to. If she's close to her aunt, could be that the aunt is influencing her to blame you. 

She made you an offer and you accepted. You should read the book "When I say no, I feel guilty." No reason to feel guilty. If she had a problem before with the debt issue she should have spoken up. She's a mother of three but she's also an adult. She wants no ties, right? Then her guilt tripping is counter productive. It's not your job to feel sorry for her choices.

Your response : "I'm sorry you feel that way. "


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

deg20 said:


> Saw 5 dif counsellors for the last year...I'm done with therapy...I'm much better now, but this little incident rented out a small space in my mind lately...


Evict it.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

deg20 said:


> We have no kids together. She dropped off mail at that point, which was a letter that was still in my old address. We have no contact, it was a fluke I was home. She could have forwarded the mail, I know, but she was passing by...I don't contact her, or her me. This was just the last thing we said together, so it did play on me...and I need some reassurance...


Don't give it any more thought. She threw away the marriage. She threw you in the trash. She made bad choices and continues to make bad choices. 

F her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go dark,block her and move on. She wanted separate/out. She got it. The rest is her problem.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I think she got a bad deal, one that he court would not likely have made because they'd have to find that there was 40,000 in equity build up from the time of your marriage. That is unlikely. 

However, that isn't your fault. She should've researched more thoroughly, but maybe at the time it was the price she was willing to pay to get out of the marriage. 

So be it.

I might tell her you're sorry it worked out so poorly for her and cease contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hate to say it but this is on her, after what she put you through, the mental anguish....move on with money in pocket....she made her bed. You never asked for this remember.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Xenote...yes...never asked is right. She was in such a damn hurry to get me out, and to continue her trampiness...but she truly thought the house would sell so the 40 grand was nothing if she's making 65 grand...but now she will be lucky to break even, and she may take a loss...GOOD...and I think the only reason I even got on the house was because she needed my income to remortgage...hers wasn't enough. Maybe I was used as a paying roommate from the start and never really as a husband...maybe this is her karma for not even trying to work it out...and for fvcking my friend the night I moved out...

If I was still in the marriage, that debt would have been almost done. I make 93.00 an hour as a college prof now and 28.00 an hour teaching literacy for the government...all this since she left...my income increased 35 per cent since she left me


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

It isn't your fault and I wouldn't feel guilty over it. She needs to learn to be self sustained anyways. You are doing what you can for yourself so you don't end up in the hole and she needs to take the necessary steps as well.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

This may sound silly, but I am reluctant to see my stepson because it triggers my life with her, but I like him. He has since bonded with her new man...who she's been with for a year now. He barely texts me, and I had a job for him in a grocery store by his place but he didn't respond.

I don't even go to her end of town, which has the mall and a great grocery store. I don't want triggers and don't want to find out if there will be any. 

My stepson texts me once every 2 months just to say what's up but it doesn't last more than a few texts...he signs off...I think I will just resign myself to staying in touch with him. My other 2 stepkids, 20 and 21, have already dismissed me anyway. They have no idea, nor does my youngest, about all the stuff she did. They believe her when she said she left because she was too stressed, but she just stopped loving me and began her romping around and living the single life she wanted and never had, married at 19 to a 36 yr old man.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It also sounds like she's hoping you will revert to her old savior. She has a problem and wants you to fix it. Nope. Her money issues are hitting home (literally) but because of her choice, not yours. She also had the choice to seek legal counsel and go to court, and chose not to. So at a time when she did not have your best interests in mind she made a bad deal. Life has consequences. So stop your guilt. You've behaved like a peach.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

stop being the white knight.....and stop looking for absolution where there is none to give. this is her time to reflect if she can, this is her time to ponder upon the decisions she has made, again if she can, some people are perpetual victims, and refuse to acknowledge their own short comings...you know the saying by Socrates...an unexamined life is not worth living....perhaps you should remind her of that...unfortunately you and i both know that it would fall on deaf ears. Its time to walk away and learn from the experience...and if you are still hell bent to ease your mind then give back a portion in her name to a charity. Especially in this season of giving, if you want to ease your mind than i am sure there are more worthier causes then her, but make sure that they acknowledge her in a thank you note.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

...and I am sure she is slowly manipulating her new man...good job, three daughters, so I am sure she is sliding easily in with him for security...I have seen him...overweight and a pack-a-day-smoker...something she abhorred when with me...but you are all making me feel better. Her choice...choice to seek counsel, discuss with me, etc. Nope. Here's the money and get the fvck out...she absorbed MY debt, but again, could have went to court. Had we stayed together, this debt would have been more than half gone by now...

I wanted to send her an invoice:

20,000...100.00 for every lie you told and 10,000 for stabbing me in the back with my now ex-friend...

I'm still alone but I'm much better...


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

deg20 said:


> ...and i am sure she is slowly manipulating her new man...good job, three daughters, so i am sure she is sliding easily in with him for security...i have seen him...overweight and a pack-a-day-smoker...something she abhorred when with me...but you are all making me feel better. Her choice...choice to seek counsel, discuss with me, etc. Nope. Here's the money and get the fvck out...she absorbed my debt, but again, could have went to court. Had we stayed together, this debt would have been more than half gone by now...
> 
> I wanted to send her an invoice:
> 
> ...


qft !!!!!!!!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't have an obligation to give her any more money. You offered to keep paying on the debt and she declined. She wanted out of the marriage and was cheating on you so it's not like you just left her. She made a mistake by putting your debt on the house. She should have keep your debt separate from her and just let you pay it off on your own. She would have been better off financially if she had done that.


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Yes Happily Married...this consolidation of debt happened a few years ago before we split...it was upon a re-mortgage where both our debt was cleared and put on to the house...her separate debt and mine, united on a house that was in OUR name...so tacked on to the mortgage. We did this when we were happily married...I would have done the same if it was MY house...it was hers when I met her...

Her declination of me offering to re-pay the debt, even after we split, was her way of either expressing her guilt, or expressing that she wants nothing to do with me...even this offering of good will...

When I offered to give money towards my step kids Xmas presents last year, she said, " I don't want your money...it's not your responsibility"...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

deg20 said:


> ...and I am sure she is slowly manipulating her new man...good job, three daughters, so I am sure she is sliding easily in with him for security...I have seen him...overweight and a pack-a-day-smoker...something she abhorred when with me...but you are all making me feel better. Her choice...choice to seek counsel, discuss with me, etc. Nope. Here's the money and get the fvck out...she absorbed MY debt, but again, could have went to court. Had we stayed together, this debt would have been more than half gone by now...
> 
> I wanted to send her an invoice:
> 
> ...



You know, compared to other BHs, you made out like a...er...bandit....


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> You know, compared to other BHs, you made out like a...er...bandit....



I know Bandit...this may be why I am feeling a tad guilty, I got out of this with 45 000.00...20 grand check and 25 grand cleared debt, and I had nothing to do with it, avoided court/lawyers...all her doing, her plan, her idea...I just complied...

With 263 grand owing on the house at the time she left me, I have no idea what I would have been given by the courts...but I'm thinking it would have been equal to or worse than what I was awarded...and taking her pension ( I have none ) would have roughly equalled child support payments, so that was a wash. I do take my stepson out from time to time, but even he has become distant, and I'm done trying...I have to put the whole family behind me...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

deg20 said:


> I know Bandit...this may be why I am feeling a tad guilty, I got out of this with 45 000.00...20 grand check and 25 grand cleared debt, and I had nothing to do with it, avoided court/lawyers...all her doing, her plan, her idea...I just complied...
> 
> With 263 grand owing on the house at the time she left me, I have no idea what I would have been given by the courts...but I'm thinking it would have been equal to or worse than what I was awarded...and taking her pension ( I have none ) would have roughly equalled child support payments, so that was a wash. I do take my stepson out from time to time, but even he has become distant, and I'm done trying...I have to put the whole family behind me...


deg20, you come into this world by yourself and you leave this world by yourself. How you treat yourself in the interim is your choice. You were the best husband and stepdad you could have been to this woman and her family given the circumstances, which is one reason I think she paid you off the way she did. She knew that what she was doing was wrong, but dammit to hell she was going to do it anyway. So to assuage her guilt she gave you the money and took the debt. 

Now? The rosy future she saw for herself turned out to be a cheap motel painting. She's moaning because she made sh!tty choice to cheat on you, then she turned around and made another costly choice to buy you off. 

Hush money is what it was. She wanted you to just go away and pretend you never existed. Now? That is exactly what you need to do: put her and her family behind you for good and never look back. The stepson will be okay without you around. Give him your phone number and e-mail and tell him he can call you whenever he needs a friend to lean on (and he will), but let him know it is time for you to bow out and go live your life. 

Your life has become a movie cliche hasn't it?


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## deg20 (Apr 10, 2015)

Bandit...Thanks for taking the time to write that...and I have done just that...not much of a life now...no women, few friends since they all have family...but I know it's better than that year I spent longing and missing for her, and playing into her using me and taking advantage of me... a woman who turned into, and I'm not stretching this, one of the worst individuals I've ever known in my life...and I once loved her...from her moral decay to her disrespect for me and herself...her lies and hypocrisy...I literally get a sick feeling in my stomach sometimes...

But your theory of her guilt is dead on in regards to her payout...I think I knew it, but had to get validation from someone objective to let it sink in...


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