# What do I do about my in-laws??



## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

So this is all very new to me & I'll try not to over share. I found out my husband was cheating on me I immediately filed for divorce. I was extremely close to his family & now I'm going through this denial that some of his family members have that he doesn't have a girlfriend & he never had an affair. 

I have told them what I found, his excuses for it & how this girl tried to make herself a part of mine & my kids lives. When I told them they were shocked and said if it's true they would alienate him but here it is 2 months later and I feel like I'm the alienated one. 

I know they are his family so obviously they would side with him (but not all members are) but I just feel like I need them to know and believe the truth. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I could just cut all ties with them but these people are my children's family.

Any advice would be really appreciated. I feel like a picture is worth a thousand words so maybe I should just pay the money for the PI so I can show his family he's with her constantly.


----------



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

blood is thicker than water as the old saying goes. 
my hubby admitted his affair and as i was struggling with it he gave me permission to talk to his mum about it. as his dad had had an affair on her and she stayed with him...
at first i thought it was great as she really understood how i was feeling..

its been 2 years since he confessed and ive been struggling for the last year more than the first...

his mum is not as supportive now as she doesnt want me to leave her son and take our 4 kids with me

family will always stick together and as hard as it is you may just have to accept that they will probably always take his side.

best of luck


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you feel that you need solid proof to show them, do so. But if you have already filed for divorce, then he is not cheating now. So even he could use the excuse that he started to see her after you filed.

Most families will not alienate a family member. It's about blood and not who is right or wrong.

Do you have some solid evidence that you got before you filed for divorce? How long was he in the affair before you found out?


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

His family will color any proof through whatever lens holds the family together. 

The ones willing to believe you already do. Unfortunately you can't divorce blood. 

If you want to stay in contact figure out who your ally's are within the family and stay in contact with them. The unfortunate truth is family parties are going to become something you drop the kids of for, not something you will attend.

You would be fighting a losing battle to get them to alienate him. Maybe hope for a little shame on him, that's the best you will get.


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

My WW had an affair. I talked to her parents about it in the beginning. My now EX wife has been telling them lies etc.. for I don't know how long. I am sure they don't get a full version. They want to believe their child is not wrong... It's a bit denial and blood and selfishness... they want their grandchildren all the time. Don't expect support from his family.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Family is family. They may think he made the biggest mistake of his life. They may have lost a lot of respect for him. But at the end of the day, he is family and they will continue to love him. They may still love you too, but there is an awkwardness now. I can say this from experience. My brother cheated on his wife (he had a typical MLC and is highly self-centered. Wants everybody to like him - always goes for the underdog and ended up having an affair with this ugly loser. It made no sense.) 

Anyway, we gave his wife support - had an intervention like meeting with my brother - but there was no going back. He launched into this guilt trip/exile - where he moved out into a sh!tty apartment and basically gave up on everything - thinking there was no going back. Major depression. So I had many heart to heart talks with him as did the rest of the family. We still loved him even though he screwed up in a major way. And his ex-wife gave up too and they eventually divorced. Two kids.

We never chose between them, but I think the fact that we didn't alienate him from our family made it awkward for his ex-wife. So we rarely hear from her. And no, we don't reach out because it feels awkward. But she would always be welcome.

So here's my advice: Your in-laws may already know the truth. But if you are expecting them to dump him and just support you, it will never happen. Stay in touch with them if you are on good terms. Proving their son is a lying cheat will only hurt your relationship with them. Again, they probably know the truth. They may even be embarrassed by it. If you show them the photo's it won't change a thing - and they may end up resenting you for it.

I never think of my brother the same as before he cheated (believe me, he was the ultra-family man/husband - EVERYBODY was shocked at his affair) - but I still love him because he is my brother.

Off topic - after my wife cheated on me - I had many heavy discussions with my bro - where I would say "Bro, I cannot believe you did this to XXXX" When he saw the pain I was going through - I think it really hit home, again, what he had done. And I understand better too. I sympathize more with his ex-wife now that I fully understand what my brother put her through. He has never forgiven himself and never will.


----------



## AshS (Jan 11, 2013)

Thank you for the responses. My evidence was a hotel receipt for a day that he & his co-worker should have been at work. Receipts for jewelry & perfume...she friended me on facebook I accepted since she was my h's co-worker & she bragged about the perfume. Our November phone bill (I'm still working on getting more). The instinct I had from the moment I met her & the feeling I got when I came in my house & she was there because she wanted to visit my kids. Also, my h's truck parked infront of her house but he was just over there to help her move some furniture...he's not even putting effort into his lies anymore. 

She started working with my h is August she's not attractive so although I had that gut feeling when I met her I just kept telling myself "you have nothing to worry about because she's not cute". He's denying everything so I don't know exactly when it started but August was when his behavior towards me definitely changed. I feel like the only way I'll know more is if I get the phone bills to see when the text messages really started to pick up.

I'm glad I had my d-day but I think he wasn't going to really leave me (or it feels better to tell myself that) but she left her h & wanted mine so that's why she friended me to give me info to connect the dots. I know I pushed him into her arms. I went to the lawyer, I filed, I made him move out but he never told me the truth and I couldn't live like that. He asked to stay & I told him I didn't want to be in this situation again in a few years.

He'll text me & go from "I'm never going to stop loving you" last thursday & then tonight he texted me "you're an *******". He came over to pick up some of his stuff last weekend and said "hey babe, did you find my boots?" I was like "don't you ever call me babe again". I think he's so confused about his feelings he told me but still hasn't admitted anything "I didn't find her attractive at first but she was nice to me so I guess it grew into an attraction". I'm definitely going through with this divorce but I want nothing more than him to confess everything to me & apologize for the affair not just "I'm sorry I never meant to hurt you."


----------



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

When I told my wife's family about her affair, I framed it like this: She is addicted to the OM, their relationship is destructive, and we need to help her. I asked them all to call my wife on Thanksgiving (we live across the country from her family), gave everybody a timeslot so they'd call in succession, and basically gave her an intervention.

His family loves your children and knows the affair is devastating to them. If you organized an intervention they might not do it for you, but they'd definitely do it for your children if they are remotely decent people. In the end it's not really about them being on your side or his side though. A good family is on the side of marriage.


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

> So here's my advice: Your in-laws may already know the truth. But if you are expecting them to dump him and just support you, it will never happen. Stay in touch with them if you are on good terms. Proving their son is a lying cheat will only hurt your relationship with them. Again, they probably know the truth. They may even be embarrassed by it.


this.couldn't agree more.

im in your shoes right now [except for the cheating], so i kinda feel what you feel right now. there's no 'the right move' to do because you're in check mate position.everything you do, everything you say, they wont listen, they simply cannot being objective.they cant. it's a primitive instinct we all have left from our Neanderthal ancestors.families stick together.

so i guess you should do the 180, not only toward your STBXH, but to your STBXILs as well. do not engage with them, even in any conversation. you're hurt and they cut your rope. you ought to save yourself.

a common saying in our indo-china society says :
'you cannot make your mother goes into retirement, but you can always do that to your wife'
stay strong


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

My sister cheated on her first husband, and her now Ex came and talked to my parents about it at the time and they refused to believe him. My sister end up marrying the AP and my parents expressed regret that they hadn't believed the EX, but still didn't hold my sister accountable in any real way, i.e. no consequences.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

My brother in law cheated on and neglected his wife and young son. His wife had a revenge affair. If you ask most of the family they still say he is the reason for the split. Most say she cheated 1st. But she was a young mom, living far from family, taking care of an infant by herself. Husband was off drinking and partying for the full 2nd year of the marriage and baby's life. He had multiple affairs by the time she got involved with a neighbor.

It doesn't justify her affair, but i can empathize with her. We almost never talk to her anymore. It's been 5 years, she has moved on, is remarried. We are just a painful reminder of the past to her.

Sad thing is brother in law has completely gone off the reservation. Doing drugs, not paying child support, lives out of state and has moved around an only takes cash jobs. Doesn't contact family anymore. Very sad.

I hope you get 'over' his family and can move on with a new better life full of happiness and things you deserve. There are good people in your STBEH family that will empathize with you. However the will still be enmeshed and supportive of him by proxy with other family members. Understand and respect their need to maintain family order and you can maintain a 'cordial' relationship. But you don't have to if that hurts too much. You have the power to choose. Do what's best for you.


----------

