# Ex buying kids expensive presents!



## Deb1234

I guess I am about 3/4 of the way through my divorce. My (soon to be) ex has, in the past couple of months, been buying our children expensive gifts. 

I am not quite sure what to do about this. It's his money, and as he is living with his parents, I can understand why he would have a little more of it available now. I can also understand that there might be a little guilt involved on his part that could be contributing to it. I also like that my kids have nice new "toys" that make them happy.

What I do not like it are the feelings of inadequacy I feel because I cannot afford Ipods and Table PC's and new bicycles for them. I also do not like that my children, who are very smart, also have noticed that mom (who they live with primarily) has to scrounge for gas money some days while dad is buying them $300 presents.

Also, any time I try to discuss things with the ex, I get the "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you!!" argument.

Any suggestions how to proceed? Is there even anything I CAN suggest or do about this?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

is he paying child support?
this does not count as that. if the children are old enough they will know he is trying to compensate through money and that will never make up for actually spending as much quality time as he can with them.


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## notreadytoquit

Our son's bday is mid December. I am in Canada ex is in the US. Our child just turned 2. He sent his present by mail. The present was a $135 dollar truck for which I had to pay $45 duty. If only he remembered to send it first to himself and then to me as gift we would not have paid duty(I got my money back from him). Not to mention he came to Canada a week later by car so he could have brought the gift himself.

What does a 2 year old know between a $20 and $135 dollar truck. Like you said part of it it's guilt. In my case he was the cheater, he filed for divorce and completely disrupted our lives. He thinks seeing the child via Skype is parenting. He does pay child support that I cannot complain. But I'd rather he be near and more involved with day to day parenting duties.


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## Deb1234

It is probably my pride speaking, but I told him I didn't want anything from him. When the lawyer I consulted with told me that we had to show SOMETHING in the way of child support, or that the judge would do it for us, I agreed to accept $200/month in child support from him for our four children.

I feel like a heel when he gives the kids Ipod touches for their birthdays while I give them books, but that I can handle. What bothers me more is that the kids are aware of the financial difficulties I face that he doesn't and are stressing over money more now than they ever did before.

I have tried to make sure that everything I have done and will do through this whole mess of a process has been to make this easier on the kids but I am kind of stumped on this one.

Should I just let it go and hope that things will level out at some point or should I try to talk to him again and get him to try to understand that his crazy presents, while appreciated by the kids, are stressing them out after the fact?


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## notreadytoquit

wow 200 dollars only! I was not working when we divorced so I got the maximum allowable in my state 1350 for 1 child. You should really get what's fair in terms of child support.


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## Syrum

I don't understand why you would have him pay so little to support his own children.

Why do you feel you should bare the cost of the majority of things for your children? He would not be paying the money for you, it is to pay for food, housing, electricity, schooling etc.

Now your children are suffering because they are stressing about money, when they should not be dealing with that. they should also not be being spoilt by him.

You should ask him to revise the agreements, and pay more child support, because the fair thing to do would be for him to try and cover half of their expenses. There is no reason that burden should mostly rest on your shoulders.

Also I would ask him that he does not buy expensive gifts except for birthdays and christmas and that maybe you both put what you can towards these gifts, so they are from both of you.


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## Niceguy13

This is a question out of curiosity but did he use to buy you lots of presents? If so it might just be him speaking his love language and now that he is no longer buying you presents he has more money to buy the kids presents. I know I am big on quality time. Since discovering my wife wants a divorce and all that instead of trying to spend quality time with her I am giving more to the kids. (not that I neglected the kids before but I like expressing love through contact time and physical touch.) So now the kids are getting to go to the park even more. Get more hugs. I brush my daughters hair a lot now(as I don't get to pet the future exs hair anymore)


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## Deb1234

I have a good job and am not hurting financially. I suggested the $200 as child support because I was told that there has to be something to show the judge and (like I said earlier...probably my pride talking) because I don't like the idea of him thinking I can't do this without his help. Plus, I know there would be even more resentment from him if I went with whatever the state alotted amount would be.

As far as presents...No, he never bought me big presents. So no transference there as far as I can tell.

Do you suppose upping the child support would help things at all? I toyed with the idea of going with whatever the state recommends and putting it in a savings account for the kids, but finally decided that in the interest of keeping things civil, not to.


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## Niceguy13

All the rest I can't comment on sorry Deb. I will be pushing for child support and not a fractional amount. I will also be pushing for entitlements to her retirement as I have been a SAHD for the past 7 years doing nothing but supporting her in her career by taking care of the kdis and such.

It has nothing to do with not being able to do it without her. It has to do more with her facing reality. We started a family together and I was commited to that family. Her divorcing me does not end the responsibilities to the family. It also does not negate everything I put into the family.

You have to remind yourself that he still has responsibilities. If it is a feeling of inadquecey then I suggest either get him to sign over paternal rights. What this sounds a lot like is a case of pride. I do not mean that offensivley but it appears from your post youare bound and determined to show him I don't need him. My personal feeling is its fine not to need him but he needs to live up to his responsibilities part of that is if you have custody make sure the mother of his children is not struggling to get gas in the car.


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## 827Aug

You didn't mention the age of your children, so I'm not sure how closely my situation relates to yours. I have teenagers and have had a similar thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/15730-why-does-non-fun-parent-finish-last.html, running for awhile. In my case I have no money to indulge the children. The children are now treating me like a doormat and are quite deceitful. Their dad has taught them oh so well. Sadly children do gravitate towards the Santa Clause figure.

My suggestion is to get the maximum on child support. It does level the playing field (if you can actually get the payments). You may not need the money now, but you never know what the future brings. Put the money back for a rainy day or towards college education. The important thing is to put a halt to his extravagance and undermining you.


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## sisters359

I know how you feel about not wanting the money. I did the same thing, basically, $200 for 3 kids. Less would trigger the court's concern, apparently. 

Be sure to bring your kids in on budgeting and helping them see that you live reasonably on the money you make and cannot afford gifts of that magnitude. Discuss expenditures as much as you can (at that level they understand) and get them involved. It can be very empowering.


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## F-102

And what happens if dear old dad gets in a sitch where he can't afford those gifts? THEN what does he do? Keep buying things he can't afford?
Yeah, the kids might appreciate the gifts now, but later on, I guarantee, those kids are going to be far more appreciative of the way you showed them how to manage money, while dad only showed them how to squander it trying to buy loyalty. (I have a deep suspicion that he is trying to be "fun dad")
A little off the beaten path, but have you ever read "P.S., Longer Letter Later?"
Its a story geared towards young girls (quit laughing-I was bored and started to read my daughter's copy, and got hooked into it!), but it sounds eerily like what is going on here.


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## Deb1234

The 4 kids are 16, 13, 9 and 5...and I still do not know what I am going to do about the whole situation. I basically have an uncontested divorce with pretty much full custody with the way things are right now and I do not want any of that to change. Do any of you know how the courts in California usually swing in regards to custody? Would it even matter to a judge that when the kids are staying with him, all four crowd into one room to sleep?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

california is extremely geared towards the woman.

i had a case where my son was being molested by the mother and her boyfriend. i tried to get custody. she would show up high if she showed up at all. the courts still would not take custody from her. the only way for me to get him away from her was for me to suggest both of us give up parental rights and have the grandparents in arizona get custody. luckily for him, she went for that otherwise i really dont believe the california courts would have removed him from her.
i also sat in on a child support case. it was a doctor and his wife (or soon to be ex-wife). she was awarded $10,000 dollars a month.
each.
to keep the in the same lifestyle they were used to before the divorce. and that didnt include spousal support yet. 

so i would say you have a very good chance there.

oh, and i dont believe they would allow those living conditions, especially if he tried for custody.


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## Affaircare

I'm gonna throw in a whole different view: 

I say let him buy them "toys." He is their father and it is between him and them, not you. I'm not saying that to be mean, but rather that when my exH and I divorced I asked the court to assign child support so I couldn't be accused of being "greedy" and they chose $800/mo for two children. My exH had an MBA (which I helped put him through) and had about 3 times the earnings potential I did. And our first Christmas after the divorce was final, I kid you not...HE TOOK THEM TO DISNEYWORLD!! 

I thought, "OMG how am I ever going to compete with a $10k trip to Disney? I barely make enough to pay all the bills...." so I spoke to the kids about it. They told me that they weren't dumb--they knew that I really CARED about them and gave them food, clothes and a place to live. Their dad, to them, was their father but mainly a man who "bought stuff" who didn't really want to spend time with them or know them. So they figured one parent made a HOME and the other bought them some things that were niceties...like a Nintendo. 

That's why I suggest you let him do it. Let him be the parent who "just buys stuff" and you be the parent who loves, cares and provides a HOME.


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## sisters359

AC, that's a great post! Every parent who struggles financially should remember--kids value the love and home we provide. The rest is just "icing" and they understand when we can't provide it--heck, a lot of kids would choose NOT to have all that stuff if their parents would just spend more time with them!


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## Freak On a Leash

Affaircare said:


> I'm gonna throw in a whole different view:
> 
> I say let him buy them "toys." He is their father and it is between him and them, not you. ....
> 
> That's why I suggest you let him do it. Let him be the parent who "just buys stuff" and you be the parent who loves, cares and provides a HOME.


:iagree: I agree. My husband and I aren't divorced but we are separated and my kids live with me. I pay the day to day living expenses (apt rent, utilities, food, allowance, etc) My husband pays our $1500/month health insurance and buy the "luxuries" of life, which is fine with me. IMO it's win-win. He's paying for stuff that I can't possibly afford and it helps me indirectly and definitely helps my kids. 

My daughter will be driving soon and he bought my daughter a new car and I thought it was GREAT. :smthumbup: She now has a safe, reliable vehicle. I never could've done that on my salary. She was saving to buy a car from her own money from her part time job and now she has that money to pay insurance and gas. 

My husband is buying my son a new bicycle soon. He bought him a computer too. I don't see a problem with that. His relationship with our kids is separate and apart from our relationship. Even when things were at their worse between us (they have since improved a lot) I never would deny my kids gifts from him. I'm glad he's caring enough to buy these things and provide for them in ways I can't. 

IMO you have to separate your own feelings about your marriage or spouse from your kids. Plus, letting your pride get in the way of accepting a reasonable amount of financial support for your kids is just crazy. I want my husband to pay as much as he can and is willing to spend on our kids. It benefits them directly and benefits me indirectly plus it lets the kids know that he's thinking of and providing for them. I see no problem with that.


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## PBear

My thoughts... You SHOULD be getting the amount from the guidelines or whatever is set up there for child support guidance. That money is for your kids. Use it for that. If that means putting it away in a college fund, then that's great. If it means having money to send them to a summer camp, that's great too. But by not taking the money, you're giving away THEIR money.

C


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