# feel like a failure



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Ugh. I am partly to blame at the state of my marriage. Took way too much for granted. Now, when I see it and understand, there's no chance to right the wrongs.

I never ever thought I'd go through something like this. Even in the "rough" days here and there. Never thought it would come to an end.

All my actions now can't be applied to our marriage because of numerous reasons she gave.

So, I failed. It hurts.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Hurts on both ends. Just came off a really rough night of MC.....things look bleak.....we are both trying....just not sure its enough right now. Again...i feel ya, and Im sorry for our hurting!


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

I feel your pain right now. Each day seems no better than the one before sometimes. I really get that. I do know that you will have more good days than bad in the future.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I sure wish she would truly try Jay.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

MeetVirginia said:


> Hurts on both ends. Just came off a really rough night of MC.....things look bleak.....we are both trying....just not sure its enough right now. Again...i feel ya, and Im sorry for our hurting!


Thank you.

I really don't understand all of this hurting. We suffer while time passes. 

TBH, I wouldn't know what to do if my wife wanted to work things out. Where to start. 

It feels like I have so much weight. Carrying my burden and the children's. 

On the bright side, my wife and I get along and are very close. So, at least there isn't fighting and hatred. But yet, at the same time, if we are "close friends" then why not try again?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I sure wish she would truly try Jay.


Or, just say she is thinking about it. Do you have any good ways to ask what she's feeling and to discuss our relationship? In other words, how can I gauge our status, without sounding overbearing? Because, up til now, we both have not discussed us, the future, etc. My W did ask if I was attending IC, but that was the extent of it.

Basically, I want to reiterate where I stand, ask her where she is, and request open and direct communication. In addition, I want to apologize for some of the ways I hurt her this past year.


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

JayB,

I'm sure she's quite aware of where you stand. 

To see where she is. Maybe bring up financial decisions and work some careful wording in that way. 

But we all know, it comes down to actions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Jayb said:


> Basically, I want to reiterate where I stand, ask her where she is, and request open and direct communication. In addition, I want to apologize for some of the ways I hurt her this past year.


Just tell her straight up what you said right there. Be open and honest with how you feel.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Found out through IC how to approach discussing our relationship gauge:

Directly state my emotional status and repeat my understanding of where my wife is now.

Express my hope/desires, but with the, "I'll be ok either way" attitude.

I must display my confidence in words and body language. I WILL BE OK, WITH ANY OUTCOME.

This realization is very empowering. However, I must be aware of how I present this message as well. I have to remain cool, calm and confident.



I think it's important to communicate this. For far too long, both my wife and I neglected communicating anything about our relationship (good, bad, indifferent). During this time, I want our communication to be direct. No more assumptions about our inner thoughts.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

I know how you feel Jayb, I feel like I made most of the mistakes in my marriage early on that put us in a vulnerable position. He did try to talk to me about it repeatedly but I was so broken when I was younger for so many reasons. My IC says I wasn't capable at the time of fixing myself. That said he had and is still having an lta and has now left me for her. He says he still loves me but can't reconcile the past even though I have completely changed. He now says he loves ow so I will never be able to right my wrongs and I feel like a failure. I know he is broken as well or he would never have chosen to cheat but it is so hard to accept that I set this all in motion and I am powerless to do anything about it now. I have never been so sad in my life and I feel like I will never feel joy and hapiness again.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

cantmove said:


> I know how you feel Jayb, I feel like I made most of the mistakes in my marriage early on that put us in a vulnerable position. He did try to talk to me about it repeatedly but I was so broken when I was younger for so many reasons. My IC says I wasn't capable at the time of fixing myself. That said he had and is still having an lta and has now left me for her. He says he still loves me but can't reconcile the past *even though I have completely changed*. He now says he loves ow so I will never be able to right my wrongs and I feel like a failure. I know he is broken as well or he would never have chosen to cheat but *it is so hard to accept that I set this all in motion and I am powerless to do anything about it now. I have never been so sad in my life and I feel like I will never feel joy and hapiness again*.


That is what I struggle with. Exactly. And, I assume it would be easier without children. However, we have 2 small children. Live within 5 minutes of each other. Communicate often. See each other and hang out as a family often. So, it's a reminder, sometimes strong, sometimes weak, yet always there, of what was, is and will be.

I do notice the path I have now chosen in being a better me and compare it to where my wife is now as a person. Most times, I don't know how we could be compatible (like we once were). Afterall, look at all the work involved in changing. And the reward is.....a person who changed from the spouse we were madly in love with years ago?????? Wait, what??!?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wait--are you guys separated? For some reason I thought you lived together. Has any paperwork been filed?

Nonetheless, talk to her soon about all of this.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Wait--are you guys separated? For some reason I thought you lived together. Has any paperwork been filed?
> 
> Nonetheless, talk to her soon about all of this.


Separated 9.5 months. Divorced filed, just at mediation point. In the last month of a 3-month holding period (filed as a way of seeking any reconciliation).

I was informed a few weeks ago at our MC, that she did not have any hope for our marriage. So, proceed with the D.

However, I wanted to tell her where my mind is at, because, I don't want months to go by and be told that I never shared my feelings, or that she had no idea where I stood. Yep, open and direct communication between us in our marriage was lacking.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her. Now or never.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and why are you doing MC if you're getting divorced?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

After I filed, things became adversarial. Then, 2 months later, I snapped out of it, stopped drinking, and sought to work things out. 1 last chance, etc.

We both agreed to 90 days and MC session by session. However, at the 3rd session, she said she didn't want to do it anymore. She attended MC more as emotional support for me going through this, rather than attempt at saving the marriage.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> It is never to late. Do it before it's final. Try and talk every day.
> Show her your a better man. Make her laugh and smile again.
> Continue to show her your a great dad.


I think my actions speak louder than my words.

She has always complimented me on being a great father. Which, according to her, makes her decision to proceed with the Divorce without trying, easier. Since the children have adjusted so well, and she trusts me with them, etc., that's 1 less worry or concern she has to process.

When we are together as a family (at least once a week), I have been upbeat/positive. I joke around with her, playfully touch her, etc. However, I do realize it is one-sided in that I initiate it.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Jayb, I changed for the better but h doesn't trust it he says that he worries it was only out of fear because I foun out he wasn't in love with me anymore. I might not be the person he fell in love with, I'm better than her. We also have filed for divorce but he is taking it slow. He says he is confused , we spend family time with our 12 yr old son and alone time together but he won't make the decision to give her up. I don't know if he is a cake eater or if he really doesn't know what to do. I have told him I am going through with divorce as I won't be in competion with her. I know with all my heart that if he got rid of her he would realize that we really could make it work. He says that the last year & 1/2 he has been happier than in years with me yet he still went back to her during that time while I thought we were reconciling. Crazy!!!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

cantmove said:


> Jayb, I changed for the better but h doesn't trust it he says that he worries it was only out of fear because I foun out he wasn't in love with me anymore. I might not be the person he fell in love with, I'm better than her. We also have filed for divorce but he is taking it slow. He says he is confused , we spend family time with our 12 yr old son and alone time together but he won't make the decision to give her up. I don't know if he is a cake eater or if he really doesn't know what to do. I have told him I am going through with divorce as I won't be in competion with her. I know with all my heart that if he got rid of her he would realize that we really could make it work. He says that the last year & 1/2 he has been happier than in years with me yet he still went back to her during that time while I thought we were reconciling. Crazy!!!



My wife has the same fear. What if things revert back in a year or 2? OK, what if they don't? What if, what if...You're just doing this because.....seem like easy excuses for those not willing to try. Because, those arguments are designed to shut us down and end any protestation.

That said, I don't know how you cope with the OW. I wouldn't know what to say. there is no OM in my wife's life now. But, I have to prepare for that possibility sooner rather than later.

I thought any true reconciliation would involve spouses only, forsaking all others, in attempting to repair and restore the marriage. anything less, is like what I'm going through now when only 1 of us wants to try, while the other has checked out.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I wouldn't talk about the past. Don't worry about, "What If"
> show her your a better man. Get her to smile and laugh.
> Doesn't matter if it takes 1 yr or 5 yrs if you really love her, don't just let her go.
> Invite her and the children camping. Great way to spend two days together. Don't talk about past.
> Talk to her like when you were dating and trying to win her heart. Make her smile and laugh. Don't give up.



I'm on that path. Until recently, I had given the Divorce Date so much power over my life. Like once that occurred, she would be gone forever. Reality is, it's just a date. Even when I asked my wife what would happen after that date, she said, keep living.

What I want her to appreciate are all the changes that I'm making, all the help I provide, etc. and then think about what she would miss. That said, right now, I'm a friend. Nothing more.


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## cantmove (Feb 20, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I'm on that path. Until recently, I had given the Divorce Date so much power over my life. Like once that occurred, she would be gone forever. Reality is, it's just a date. Even when I asked my wife what would happen after that date, she said, keep living.
> 
> *What I want her to appreciate are all the changes that I'm making, all the help I provide, etc. and then think about what she would miss. That said, right now, I'm a friend. Nothing more.*




I want my stbxh to appreciate my changes as well but we can't make them do that anymore than we can change them. I have been beating my head against the wall for so long and he still goes back to not trusting my changes everytime. I asked him yesterday, "So H how many years will it take before you believe what is right in front of your face?" I am unfortunately beginning to belive it won't happen until I am long gone. 

How about this, I'll believe your changes if you believe mine???
They can't imagine what they will miss if they won't let themselves accept and believe in it. 

There is happiness in our future, lets you and I just believe that!!!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

cantmove said:


> [/U][/B]
> 
> I want my stbxh to appreciate my changes as well but we can't make them do that anymore than we can change them. I have been beating my head against the wall for so long and he still goes back to not trusting my changes everytime. I asked him yesterday, "So H how many years will it take before you believe what is right in front of your face?" *I am unfortunately beginning to belive it won't happen until I am long gone.
> 
> ...



Yeah, I think my wife would be too stubborn, prideful, etc. to admit/regret anything and beg to come back. That sucks. And, to consider that she would even remain miserable in her life and future decisions rather than reuniting with her willing husband and family is overwhelming.

I'm with you. No matter what the future holds, I believe you and I both will be happy. 1 day, we will look back on this moment and either laugh or smile, or recognize and appreciate what it took to get to where we will be then. :smthumbup:


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Yeah, I think my *wife would be too stubborn, prideful, etc. to admit/regret anything and beg to come back. That sucks. * And, to consider that she would even remain miserable in her life and future decisions rather than reuniting with her willing husband and family is overwhelming.
> 
> I'm with you. No matter what the future holds, I believe you and I both will be happy. 1 day, we will look back on this moment and either laugh or smile, or recognize and appreciate what it took to get to where we will be then. :smthumbup:


I believe this about my H too, that's why I have decided to move on if there's no improvement this month. My adult kids tell me to file now and not to wait they don't see him changing his mind.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I learnt that I couldn't control what my H was feeling or doing. The only person I had control over was myself.
I chose to forgive him a long time ago and I showed this in my words and actions. I told him the door would always be open to him if he wanted to talk to me and told him to never be too proud to cone and ask to come him. Over the months I thought these words were falling on deaf ears. But they weren't. H told me my Forgivness and unconditional live for him is what kept him going in his darkest moments and it's what ultimately led him to make the right decision to cone hone.

Jayb make it clear to her one more time how you feel and what you want. Show her you are a changed person then let her go. She has to make the decision for herself. Put some boundaries in place and don't always be available to her. She has to miss you to realise what she will be loosing. 
It's tough. I've been there. My prayers are with you
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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