# Fiancée had an abortion behind my back, I feel Really messed up about this, I feel like I should end things completely.



## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

I am sorry in advance if this gets long or I start rambling. I have been lurking for a few days and just decided I need a place to vent and get some outside advice on this.

My girl and I have been together for a few years and we recently just got engaged.

Well, I found out from some mutual friends a few weeks ago that she was pregnant and gotten an abortion without even telling me. I haven't really confronted her and just been stewing on this, in all honesty. 

Our mutual friends told me that she did it like this because she didn't think I was ready after what I have been going through recently. 

I lost my two best friends to Covid, and I have been battling some pretty bad depression due to that. And I was at a shallow place, and my girl walked in on me about to pull the trigger of shooting myself. 

It wasn't my proudest moment in life, and I feel like she has been punishing me for it ever since. I am in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist and such. So I am trying to work on it, but now, Learning this it just I feel like just severing this entire relationship, She has been treating me completely differently, and it just isn't helping me. 

This is all just making me feel worse. She knows I want kids, and I want to be a Father. 

I know that What I almost put her through was not the greatest and pretty bad in itself, and I understand things will take time to get back to how they trusted wise and, I guess, relationship-wise. But to just make an arbitrary choice like that without even telling me or asking me how I feel just hurts really badly.

I just don't know what to do my head is already really messed up, and I adjust to these meds on top of everything else. I just don't know what to do.

As I said, I hadn't confronted her about it because I just don't know how to do that right now without completely losing it on her. I feel betrayed. Thank you in advance to all who take the time to read this and offer advice.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Get some professional help. Talk through it and get some tools so that you can deal rationally with your girl..

You need to confront her but you need to be able to keep your head straight.

I would confront but my mind would be made up.

I could never trust someone that ended my baby without even talking to me.

You need to come to grips with what your position is.

Your feelings are very normal for what you have been through.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Get some professional help. Talk through it and get some tools so that you can deal rationally with your girl..
> 
> You need to confront her but you need to be able to keep your head straight.
> 
> ...


Another way of looking at it would be not thinking it a good idea to have a child with someone about to commit suicide. I don't know if there's scriptural support for there being a difference between suicide and abortion. 

Where mental illness is involved, marriage becomes a terribly complicated situation. When it comes up during the engagement, it has to create a lot of really painful questions. OP speaks of severing the relationship; it might make sense to at least put things on hold and give him (OP) a chance to heal from the many things causing him to reel away from life. I believe we need extreme compassion, not judgment, for both parties here.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Question i had was there a possibility it was not your child. Was she behaving differently toward you before your incident. Are you certain her walking in on you was before she decided to end the pregnancy? Possibly seeing someone else? Any "he's just a friend" guys you are suspicious of?

Had she been doing Girl Night Outs, any recent trips without you...Vegas, spring break? Possibility of any hookups with other guys without your knowledge?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> to just make an arbitrary choice like that without even telling me or asking me how I feel


If my girl aborted my child without any discussion with me, I could never remain associated with her. The relationship would be over, forever. I could never trust her, even to be a friend with no benefits. Far less to be intimate. Much far less to attempt a life-long relationship.

It is not up to her, and it is not up to me. My child, and her child, is, in reality, God's child. God's child deserves a chance to fulfill the life given to him/her. It is her job, and my job, to see to it that God's child gets the best possible life while his/her pilgrimage on this earth continues.



ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> she did it like this because she didn't think I was ready after what I have been going through recently.


I think this is Cheater's Handbook, chapter 14, "Blame Someone Else for YOUR Sin". I think it's highly likely she aborted the child because it could be someone else's.



Casual Observer said:


> I don't know if there's scriptural support for there being a difference between suicide and abortion.


There is no scriptural support for either suicide or abortion. In the scripture, God offers His wisdom, His help, His counsel, and promises that His "grace is sufficient" for any circumstance set we will face. There is, therefore, scripturally, no need for either suicide or abortion.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm sorry for your losses, and I'm glad you're getting treatment for the depression. 

I understand both sides here, to an extent, and I think compassion is needed all around. 

On one hand there is the "her body, her choice" argument but your fiancée shouldn't have done what she did, plain and simple. She should have talked with you about it and you should have had the opportunity to have a say in the decision. At the same time, what she witnessed (your almost suicide attempt) was traumatic and shouldn't be downplayed. She almost lost you, and almost walked in on it. If she hasn't already, she absolutely needs therapy as well. It absolutely was not a good time to be adding a baby to the mix, and she was probably scared that another loss would push you over the edge. She may have thought she was doing the right thing, or at the time, the only solution she could come up with.

Do you know what her stance on abortion usually is? Do you have different opinions there or was it the situation that made her act out of character. 

I understand the desire to say you will never trust her again, that she killed your child, that you want to leave, etc. I have felt that way when my wife brought the topic up recently, but again, compassion and understanding are needed on both sides. You two need to talk about this and you need to listen to her side. Don't just sit there, really listen to what she is saying and try to put yourself in her shoes. 

I would suggest talking to your therapist about it first, then asking your fiancée to join you for a session. The therapist can help keep the conversation under control and help guide it. Finding a marriage counselor would be good as well.



> my girl walked in on me about to pull the trigger of shooting myself. It wasn't my proudest moment in life, and I feel like she has been punishing me for it ever since.


What has she been doing for you to feel like she's treating you differently and like she's punishing you?


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## vincent3 (May 31, 2018)

That's one of the worst lies (in this case, a lie of omission) a woman can tell a man. Your mental state is a mitigating factor, but it doesn't require that you stay in the relationship.

If it were me, I'd tell her that I found out about the abortion and understand that she was in a tough spot, and that I'm leaving.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Drop her and run far, far away.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm sorry for your losses, and glad you're getti g professional help.

I don't know about the timing, etc, but a few things.
I don't know if I could trust anyone that did the abortion behind d my back, first.

Another consideration, if she found you with a gun about to pull the trigger, you already made yourself into a person incapable of making good decisions, so she had some back up on why not to burden you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your mutual friends are not trustworthy. They should have staged an intervention and encouraged her to tell you. Not blabbed


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Am I the only one that sees it like it is? most of you have been here long enough to realize the way women react when confronted with the realization that their partner is not a man of strength,or doesn't shows strength under duress. The OP's fiancee most likely has been observing him through various circumstances in their relationship which indicates to her that the OP is not all put together when it comes to pressure. Her finding him with a gun in his hand and contemplating suicide, most likely triggered her realization that he is not a mentally safe partner; which made her react doing what she needed to do. 

The OP has all the right to end the relationship do to the abortion, but so does she. My only concern is if she thought that he is not an all together individual to have his child, why is she still with him? this is what I would be asking her if I were the OP.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

What you should do OP is thank your lucky stars that your girlfriend is still with you at all.

Having had a mother with schizophrenia and a brother with suicidal bipolar II, I wouldn't wish a lifelong relationship of that kind on another human being. She has decided you are still worth the effort as a prospective mate, but not yet convinced that she wants the burden of raising a child with you, or as you painted to her in such a graphic way, without you. 

Get your demons under control before you worry about parenting. You are not in a place right now that any rational person would consider good father material. Your fiancé did what I would advise my own daughter to do, in the same circumstances. If this is how you handle stress, she has legitimate concerns over how you will manage the ups and downs of a multi-decade marriage with children.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Are you certain the child was yours? Usually a strong motivator for a woman to seek an abortion secretly.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

It is more likely that she was impregnated by another man. Could have been a ONS or short affair that went south. You better dig. 

If it was yours, that is some F’d up **** to just abort without at least discussing with her fiancé.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Jesus, people. When you hear hoofbeats, think horses, not zebras.

Between the choices of "she's having another man's baby" and "she caught her fiancé about to eat a gun", we're going with #1 as the more likely possibility? In what world?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think her practical side, sidelined your chances of ever marrying her.

I doubt the premise that it was another man's baby.

The lady did not want to nurse two beings, you and a newborn.

Too risky.
You are that risk.

Let this pass.

Life is not all about you.

Get better for both of your sakes.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

How do these “friends” know this?

But that aside, whether the baby was yours or some other guy’s is irrelevant, She doesn’t want to have a family with you and took definitive measures to ensure it doesn’t happen.



If you want a family, this chick ain’t it.

Set her loose and focus all your time and energies on yourself and get yourself squared away.

Whether her abortion was the right thing to do or not is up for theologians and ethicists to debate. But the fact remains you were not husband and father material while in a depression and suicidal state and you won’t be husband or father material until you get those issues addressed and corrected. 

When you have yourself squared away and are a fully functional adult, you can consider getting back on the dating market. 

Until, devote your energies to fixing yourself.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Whether the baby was yours or not, that she had an abortion speaks to the engagement being done. I strongly recommend that you just back out, which I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s actually relieved to not have to be the one to call it off.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This is kind of complicated. She found you about to kill yourself! I know two people who lost loved ones to suicide, both had a lot of anger towards their loved ones for quite some time as a result so I can imagine her being angry with you about this is probably a fairly normal response. Then the abortion while likely related, I agree with @Cletus that your lack of good mental health was likely a factor, is enough to end the relationship by itself. I'm guessing it was not an easy decision for her, but aborting a baby without discussing with the fiance/father is messed up. Suicidal or not that is something a father deserves to know. 

Perhaps the best thing to do is tell her you need a mental health break from the relationship to process everything and get healthy. I'm guessing she is going to agree. 

But you really need to focus on your mental health and make that your first priority. Losing a close friend is hard but not something that brings a healthy person to suicide.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rob_1 said:


> The OP has all the right to end the relationship do to the abortion, but so does she. My only concern is if she thought that he is not an all together individual to have his child, why is she still with him? this is what I would be asking her if I were the OP.


OP's mental illness may prevent him from seeing things clearly; he may be making assumptions about the relationship that are no longer valid.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would run like she was on fire and chasing me.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

To the men who say she's not mother material because she had an abortion, I know women who have had abortions after getting pregnant by mistake, who now are terrific wives and mothers. One of them has more than 3 kids and she's a wonderful mom.

Personally, I'm a woman who cannot ever imagine aborting a baby, but that is MY personal choice. I don't live in other women's bodies, so I can't choose for them.

OP's problem is she didn't tell him she was pregnant. That's something I wouldn't forgive. 

Obviously she can't handle what you are going through, and she couldn't handle a baby either. Supporting someone who suffers from a disease is not easy, it's not for everyone. 

It might be better for you guys to break up.


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> *Between two best friends dying of Covid (which is extremely implausible, especially for people in OP’s age demographic) combined with all the other drama described here, my BS meter is on alert.*
> 
> OP, if everything you describe here is actually accurate and legit - sorry for casting doubt. Your only path forward is to forget the fiancé and focus on yourself.
> 
> ...


With all due respect, Then why bother responding at all? Both of my friends had other things that contributed to the death, and Covid was just the final straw that broke the camel's back. I can't and still do not believe it but I assure you it happened and what I am going through is very real and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

No, she wasn't cheating. She isn't that type of person. I mean, at least I don't think she is that kind of person. But nothing about her behavior as of late has ever given me pause to think that she is cheating on me. I just do not think that is why and what she has done is bad enough without me losing my mind on her for something that probably hasn't happened. 

If the relationship is irreparable, then it is probably my fault for just being broken and selfish right now. It is probably foolish of me to save something that is probably already lost, but I just can't lose someone else right now. I don't want to be alone right now; I don't think I could handle it. 

But then again, she forced me to let her move in after all of this happened, so I just don't see the cheating angle on this. I just want to be able to confront her without losing her at the same time. I just want some answers to why she would do this to me/us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> With all due respect, Then why bother responding at all? Both of my friends had other things that contributed to the death, and Covid was just the final straw that broke the camel's back. I can't and still do not believe it but I assure you it happened and what I am going through is very real and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.


His post was removed because it breached TAM rules.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> With all due respect, *Then why bother responding at all?* Both of my friends had other things that contributed to the death, and Covid was just the final straw that broke the camel's back. I can't and still do not believe it but I assure you it happened and what I am going through is very real and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.


1. To point out some implausibly, which doesn’t mean impossibility. I didn’t say it wasn’t legit, just that an aggregation of factors put me on alert. You’ve had some very bad luck.
2. To offer the guidance that followed.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> His post was removed because it breached TAM rules.


I’m sure everyone feels much safer now.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> I just want to be able to confront her without losing her at the same time. I just want some answers to why she would do this to me/us.


Which is why discussing this with a therapist is a good idea. Otherwise the conversation could quickly go south. 

Personally, I don't think it has to mean the relationship is irreparable. It depends on why she did what she did, how she handles it going forward, and if you can move forward with the knowledge of what she did. 

Does she usually make unilateral decisions in your relationship?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> No, she wasn't cheating. She isn't that type of person. I mean, at least I don't think she is that kind of person. But nothing about her behavior as of late has ever given me pause to think that she is cheating on me. I just do not think that is why and what she has done is bad enough without me losing my mind on her for something that probably hasn't happened.
> 
> If the relationship is irreparable, then it is probably my fault for just being broken and selfish right now. It is probably foolish of me to save something that is probably already lost, but I just can't lose someone else right now. I don't want to be alone right now; I don't think I could handle it.
> 
> But then again, she forced me to let her move in after all of this happened, so I just don't see the cheating angle on this. I just want to be able to confront her without losing her at the same time. I just want some answers to why she would do this to me/us.


Would she see a counselor with you?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> No, she wasn't cheating. She isn't that type of person. I mean, at least I don't think she is that kind of person. But nothing about her behavior as of late has ever given me pause to think that she is cheating on me. I just do not think that is why and what she has done is bad enough without me losing my mind on her for something that probably hasn't happened.
> 
> If the relationship is irreparable, then it is probably my fault for just being broken and selfish right now. It is probably foolish of me to save something that is probably already lost, but I just can't lose someone else right now. I don't want to be alone right now; I don't think I could handle it.
> 
> But then again, she forced me to let her move in after all of this happened, so I just don't see the cheating angle on this. I just want to be able to confront her without losing her at the same time. I just want some answers to why she would do this to me/us.


A basic principle is an abortion is a major-to-extreme behavior to do, so you look for a major-to-extreme motivation factor that caused the behavior. So cheating is one possibility, but there's currently zero offered evidence for it, plus there's a completely visible factor of having walked in on you almost ending your life. So I would completely discount a question of her cheating.

Now I'm not excusing her having the abortion, but you have to admit seeing what she saw does provide an explanation for why she did what she did. She did make the choice, but there's a connection between what you did and what she did. 

She's still terrified you're going to kill yourself. That's why she pushed to move in. So you will never be alone, so you'll have far less opportunity for a bad moment that ends it all. You can also bet that she's had some friends and family telling her she can't actually save you, if you die it's not her fault, don't waste more time on you, yada yada yada. She's with you anyway.

From here, it's unclear if the relationship will survive. But for now, it is playing a positive role in helping things stay stable. You both need individual counseling - I mean she's been through TWO major trauma's recently and is supporting you rather than focusing on herself. So you both need to seriously work on yourselves for at least the next few months before even bothering to talk about breaking up.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’m sure everyone feels much safer now.


*MODERATOR NOTE: *People generally feel safer on boards and forums when everyone abides by the rules. And attacking moderators is not appreciated.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m more concerned about her walking in on your suicide attempt. How was it timed that she entered right in that moment you had a gun to your head? She had warnings? She talked you down from the ledge?

I think she’s a smart girl and not an enabler, and her walking away from this problem of yours was a gift to you. I think you need space from this and to stop demanding answers from her, it’s not going to help you right now. 

The only people that should be helping people down from the ledge are professionals, like the police or paramedics or a crisis team.

So she did the wrong thing by walking in, she should have just dialled the emergency number and sent you the help you needed if you were unable to call yourself. That’s the only thing she did wrong.

There was another guy recently posting about an exes abortion, maybe there are some more great posts from others that could also help. It was concerning how fixated he was. Sorry I don’t recall his user name to post a link.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> Am I the only one that sees it like it is? most of you have been here long enough to realize the way women react when confronted with the realization that their partner is not a man of strength,or doesn't shows strength under duress. The OP's fiancee most likely has been observing him through various circumstances in their relationship which indicates to her that the OP is not all put together when it comes to pressure. Her finding him with a gun in his hand and contemplating suicide, most likely triggered her realization that he is not a mentally safe partner; which made her react doing what she needed to do.
> 
> The OP has all the right to end the relationship do to the abortion, but so does she. My only concern is if she thought that he is not an all together individual to have his child, why is she still with him? this is what I would be asking her if I were the OP.


Agreed. She may be with him, because she is afraid that if she leaves him right now he will commit suicide.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> I just want to be able to confront her without losing her at the same time. I just want some answers to why she would do this to me/us.



She didn’t tell you she was pregnant because she decided to get an abortion. She got an abortion because she walked in on the man she loved as he was about to kill himself. She didn’t tell you about the abortion because she is afraid that it might cause another incident and this time you might actually succeed. 

I imagine she is treating you differently because she cannot be emotionally vulnerable to the extent she used to be. If the man I loved tried to do that, I’d be living in constant paranoia, and question everything about my life and our relationship. It doesn’t make for deep and truthful conversations when you feel like you are trying to prevent or head off some terrible occurrence.

I’m so sorry about your losses, and your depression. The pain must feel unbearable for you to consider doing that. I genuinely hope you are getting the help that you need. If you can’t get intensive help for yourself, please do it for her. I can only imagine the trauma she must be feeling as well here... it would be enough to cause me PTSD. I feel terrible for the both of you and I truly hope you both are getting help.


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

No, it wasn't planned for her to walk in and find me like that. I never wanted to hurt her or to see me like this. I really love her and would do anything for her. Yes, she was the one that talked me down from the ledge, well, her and the police. She has been to a few of my therapy/counseling sessions, so I think she would go again if I asked her to go with me and have a very frank conversation with my therapist. 

I don't want her staying with me out of fear and or guilt. That would just make me feel worse about everything. And honestly, if I could go back and do it all over again, I would have sought out help instead of trying to do what I did and completely ruining the relationship I have with the women I love. But there aren't any do-overs in life, so I am stuck with the decisions that have brought us here. 

She already had a key to my place. It isn't like she needed to move in with me or anything. I didn't want her doing that out of pity for me, and that is exactly what happened. And I know her friends have been in her ear about just ending things with me and that she can't fix me and that it isn't her fault if I kill myself. I have seen the messages and overheard them when they are over when they think I am out of the room, and such. It hurts a lot, but there isn't anything I can do. I guess I will try and get her to go with me to my next therapy session, which is on Friday, and maybe try and work through this if that is even remotely possible at this point.


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

So I tried talking with my girl tonight, and it didn't really go well. I just get the feeling at this point that this relationship is destroyed and that I need just to stop trying with her. Just getting frustrated, I simply asked her to go to my therapy meeting on Friday to have a guided discussion about something rather important. And she just said no, And I asked why since she is taking me there any way what difference does it make if she just walks inside and has a discussion. I naturally kept pushing, and she kept saying no until she just blew up on me and asked why it is so dam important. And Well, I obviously Lost my crap right back at her and told her I needed my therapist's help in guiding this stupid conversation about why you had an abortion and killed my unborn child.

I guess our mutual friends hadn't told her that they told me what she had done because she was obviously taken aback by the confrontation. I asked her if it was true, and she just started crying. And I asked her why and she just told me that having a child with me was impossible when my mental health is such a disaster right now. And that she has nightmares about finding me ready to put a bullet into my temple. I asked her if she was still with me out of pity, and she couldn't or wouldn't answer me. I won't lie; I am pretty depressed right now and was in tears for a bit. I just told her to leave and that I am not her child, and I don't want someone staying with me out of pity or fear because that just makes me feel worse.

I don't know what I will do, and I wasn't expecting to have this conversation like this and or for it to go as it did. I love her, and I don't want to lose her, but at the same time, I am not going to hold her back from being happy. I might be really messed up and broken, but I am not broken enough to realize that letting someone go instead of trying to hold onto them will do more good than harm. I can honestly say I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone. She is still here at my place tonight, but I just decided to lock myself away from her. She has tried talking to me and even cooked me dinner and slid it under the door, but I can't and Do not want to eat when I feel like this. Just really dejected on top of everything. And it is my own fault, and I know that, and that is the worst part of this. I feel worse than before I tried, Be an interesting session Friday, and hopefully, tomorrow won't be as awkward as I feel like it will be, and hopefully, she just leaves. I will feel worse knowing she sticks around because she is worried about me and feels Pity towards me. I just needed to vent this all out, I guess, and get some different eyes on this really messed up situation.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Was the suicide attempt and your girlfriend walking in before or after the abortion?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> So I tried talking with my girl tonight, and it didn't really go well. I just get the feeling at this point that this relationship is destroyed and that I need just to stop trying with her. Just getting frustrated, I simply asked her to go to my therapy meeting on Friday to have a guided discussion about something rather important. And she just said no, And I asked why since she is taking me there any way what difference does it make if she just walks inside and has a discussion. I naturally kept pushing, and she kept saying no until she just blew up on me and asked why it is so dam important. And Well, I obviously Lost my crap right back at her and told her I needed my therapist's help in guiding this stupid conversation about why you had an abortion and killed my unborn child.
> 
> I guess our mutual friends hadn't told her that they told me what she had done because she was obviously taken aback by the confrontation. I asked her if it was true, and she just started crying. And I asked her why and she just told me that having a child with me was impossible when my mental health is such a disaster right now. And that she has nightmares about finding me ready to put a bullet into my temple. I asked her if she was still with me out of pity, and she couldn't or wouldn't answer me. I won't lie; I am pretty depressed right now and was in tears for a bit. I just told her to leave and that I am not her child, and I don't want someone staying with me out of pity or fear because that just makes me feel worse.
> 
> I don't know what I will do, and I wasn't expecting to have this conversation like this and or for it to go as it did. I love her, and I don't want to lose her, but at the same time, I am not going to hold her back from being happy. I might be really messed up and broken, but I am not broken enough to realize that letting someone go instead of trying to hold onto them will do more good than harm. I can honestly say I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone. She is still here at my place tonight, but I just decided to lock myself away from her. She has tried talking to me and even cooked me dinner and slid it under the door, but I can't and Do not want to eat when I feel like this. Just really dejected on top of everything. And it is my own fault, and I know that, and that is the worst part of this. I feel worse than before I tried, Be an interesting session Friday, and hopefully, tomorrow won't be as awkward as I feel like it will be, and hopefully, she just leaves. I will feel worse knowing she sticks around because she is worried about me and feels Pity towards me. I just needed to vent this all out, I guess, and get some different eyes on this really messed up situation.


This is a really tough situation.

I don’t think she is staying out of pity, I think she is dealing with a traumatic incident in herself because of the situation, and she doesn’t feel like she can talk to you. I think she needs counseling for herself... honestly. I think she does love you, she just doesn’t know how to handle this and she is turning inward instead of reaching outward, which is similar to what you did no? Now you both have your broken pieces, your wounds. How you handle them is only something you can do individually now. You can’t be responsible for her healing and she can’t be for yours.

I’m not sure if that means this is the end of your relationship, but I don’t think it would have to be but you can only control what you do, your decisions and choices. I do hope for the best for you... you deserve better than the circumstances that led you to this point.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Just came across your thread.

It's late and I'm about to go to bed. 

First sorry to hear about your Friends. That truly sucks and grieving is tough. Get some help as it will help.

You're pissed about your girlfriend making this decision without talking about it and I can certainly sympathize with you. 

That said, you made the decision to try to end your life without talking with your fiance first.

You're both in desperate need of counseling.

Before you start casting a stone on her for taking a life why don't you figure out why you were willing to take your own life?

Hope you get the answers you're seeking.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> So I tried talking with my girl tonight, and it didn't really go well. I just get the feeling at this point that this relationship is destroyed and that I need just to stop trying with her. Just getting frustrated, I simply asked her to go to my therapy meeting on Friday to have a guided discussion about something rather important. And she just said no, And I asked why since she is taking me there any way what difference does it make if she just walks inside and has a discussion. I naturally kept pushing, and she kept saying no until she just blew up on me and asked why it is so dam important. And Well, I obviously Lost my crap right back at her and told her I needed my therapist's help in guiding this stupid conversation about why you had an abortion and killed my unborn child.
> 
> I guess our mutual friends hadn't told her that they told me what she had done because she was obviously taken aback by the confrontation. I asked her if it was true, and she just started crying. And I asked her why and she just told me that having a child with me was impossible when my mental health is such a disaster right now. And that she has nightmares about finding me ready to put a bullet into my temple. I asked her if she was still with me out of pity, and she couldn't or wouldn't answer me. I won't lie; I am pretty depressed right now and was in tears for a bit. I just told her to leave and that I am not her child, and I don't want someone staying with me out of pity or fear because that just makes me feel worse.
> 
> I don't know what I will do, and I wasn't expecting to have this conversation like this and or for it to go as it did. I love her, and I don't want to lose her, but at the same time, I am not going to hold her back from being happy. I might be really messed up and broken, but I am not broken enough to realize that letting someone go instead of trying to hold onto them will do more good than harm. I can honestly say I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone. She is still here at my place tonight, but I just decided to lock myself away from her. She has tried talking to me and even cooked me dinner and slid it under the door, but I can't and Do not want to eat when I feel like this. Just really dejected on top of everything. And it is my own fault, and I know that, and that is the worst part of this. I feel worse than before I tried, Be an interesting session Friday, and hopefully, tomorrow won't be as awkward as I feel like it will be, and hopefully, she just leaves. I will feel worse knowing she sticks around because she is worried about me and feels Pity towards me. I just needed to vent this all out, I guess, and get some different eyes on this really messed up situation.


One worries about someone they care about. Pitty is feeling sorry for someone's situation that you do not care about. You just realize it is a bad situation. 

I do not know someone who would move in with someone or take them to therapy because they pity them, they do it because they care and are worried.

If you have a close family member do something stupid and loose a leg in car wreck. You have them move in and care for them and take them to physical therapy, etc. It is not because you pity them.

Classifying all she does as pity is just you having a pity party for yourself!


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

The Suicide attempt was before the abortion so she had It after I attempted that. 

Today was interesting, to say the least honestly. I have told her to go to counseling/Therapy herself but she says I am the important one and she needs to take care of me. We had a better calmer conversation today and just better overall. Was able to talk to her and not blow up at her. She just explained that it isn't pity and that she still loves me and that me losing my temper at her just isn't helpful well obviously. She said she had an abortion because introducing a child into the mix with everything going on with me that just wasn't the time or place for it. But that when I am better and able to get over all of this and move on She wants to have a family with me. And I explained that I really wished she would have involved me in this discussion. 

I told her that it would take time in all honesty for me to be alright with her and trust her 100%. And she said the same for her with me and she laid out some ground rules moving forward. No more closed doors, All the weapons are going out of the house. No matter how embarrassed I am feeling about how I am feeling I need to be open with her and tell her when things are getting bad mentally for me so she can try and help me. I feel like we honestly finally had our first real conversation since it happened. And I know why I did it, I was just hurting and couldn't see life without my two best friends but it was dumb, I was dumb. I made a rash decision not being able to cope with my own pain and almost caused that same pain if not worse for the women that I love. 


And As you know all good things must come to an end, Her friends showed up tonight to eat dinner with us, and as you can probably tell they aren't my biggest fans right now. As soon as I left the table to go shower they started talking **** about me to my girl and asking her why she is still with me and that they wouldn't stay. Thankfully My fiancee stood up for me and stopped them in their tracks, I guess our talk did a lot of good, I honestly haven't felt this good about life in a really long time.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Honestly mate, while I agree that your fiance should have told you about the pregnancy, you're lucky she's still with you.

I'm pro life myself, but I can see why she felt she had no options - her fiance is a weak man who can't cope with life, so how's he going to cope with parenthood?

If I were her, I'd have called the engagement off.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are unstable and anyone who cares about your gf would advise her to get out of the relationship.
The abortion is of secondary importance to you putting a gun to your head and having to be talked out of suicide by police.
You should consider asking her to leave until you feel you are healthy and able to have a drama free existence that someone would want to be a part of. Apparently your fiancé does love you a lot in order to stay with you when you’re not in a good state of mind, but it sounds dangerous to her in my opinion.
I’m sure you’ll say you’d never...... 
Wise move on getting weapons out of the house and getting professional help. 
What is your employment status? 
My thoughts are holding off on any marriage plans until you have steady work, or if you do already, steady mental health. 
Your question is about the abortion and confronting her. Well, you’ve done that and in spite of how you’re handling things, she’s still there. Wow. 
Consider getting healthy and staying that way for a while without any relationship stress. it sounds like you could have an excellent relationship with your fiancée if you get YOUR end of things squared away. If you keep up the drama and psychotic behavior, she may eventually give up.
You can’t really have all this other stuff going on with you, and be calling your gf out on a decision like that. What she did wasn’t a decision anyone would want to make. 
good luck. Sounds like the biggest problem you have to overcome in your relationship is you. Do you feel this is a one-off perfect storm of trauma in your life that resulted in you going off the deep end, or has mental health been an issue in your life for many years?


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

No, I haven't had mental health issues at all in my life up until now. This is probably why I melted down in such a spectacular fashion. I am on leave from work for health reasons. Obviously, I work in healthcare ironically. The wedding planning has stopped. It isn't like we are just going full speed ahead with things while ignoring everything. No things are on pause. And I am well aware everyone and their mother is advising her to leave me hell I have told her to leave me, but she won't. I don't know what she sees in me to inspire such loyalty. But the last few days, I have felt a lot better. I am just hoping this isn't some euphoric joke and things crash on me again. Honestly, after her and I being able to talk to one another has been the best thing for us and just my head. We haven't had sex since this entire thing has happened, and well, thankfully, that cold streak ended tonight for us. I hope that I can keep this going.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Take the time to properly heal mentally before anything else. And then, take the time to ascertain whether she's all in. Did she stay because she loves you and wants to marry you and raise a family eventually? Or is she staying because she doesn't want to leave you until you are stable enough to mentally handle it?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

sideways said:


> You're pissed about your girlfriend making this decision without talking about it and I can certainly sympathize with you. That said, you made the decision to try to end your life without talking with your fiance first.


Yes, the above is a good point.

In the thread title, you focused on the abortion and didnt mention the suicide attempt. 
And in the first post, you didn't mention it in the first few paragraphs, and then played it down:


ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> _It wasn't my proudest moment in life, and I feel like she has been punishing me for it ever since._


Don't think of it in terms of "punishment" - that would be regarding yourself like a child.
She was affected by what she saw, just as you were affected by your friends deaths.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

At first I too jumped on the, was she aborting an affair baby train, but after rereading your post again and most importantly the perspective of the women on this thread, I now understand how it must have been very traumatic to walk in on the man who’s baby she’s carrying with a gun in his mouth. 

I’m pro-life but can understand a woman having an abortion under those circumstances. I suspect she’s also afraid to leave you for fear of you offing yourself. I see her willing to have sex with you as a sign that she’s starting to see some hope in you.

I’m sure you want to hear her reasoning but it’s too soon in the recovery to breech that subject to get honest answers. Get yourself in some positive therapy and go workout. Vigorous exercise can lift your confidence and T levels, which effects a man’s mood. In short order, things will improve enough to have what will be a very emotional conversation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

DDFBFNFVFDXRX cjeje

Argh!

Can I write this?
No, tis' too cruel.

Oh, I shall not.
...............................................................................

Edited-

From the other side.......A life was demanded.

Part of you died so that the whole of you would, could live.

Honor Greatly, the sacrifice made.


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

Yes, I was downplaying what I had done because I didn't want it to overshadow what I felt was the bigger issue. This is dumb because it is a major issue, just one that I am feeling really confident about the last few days. Going from walking on eggshells and pretty sure this relationship is just completely screwed to now knowing that I have a really amazing partner in my corner that loves me and isn't abandoning me. At least I hope she does? I dunno why she would start having sex with me again like she has the past few days. It went from months of nothing while dealing with my stupidity to after our talk to bam right back, almost like it was minus a few issues that we think are because of the depression meds. Still, we aren't sure, and I am going to ask my psychiatrist about it. While it is amazing that we are doing or trying to do it again, it's like hitting a brick wall and being really frustrated and angry. Afterward, you guys and gals get my drift. Also hoping that these better feelings are more on the permanent side and I don't **** this up in any way. Just the last few days have felt like I used to before I fell into this hole of hell.

Dumb question, but do Depression and Anxiety meds cause ED issues? I haven't ever had these issues, and well, I am now. But then it is a minor miracle. I can even remotely think of it or do it, but I love my girl, and now, after, I keep hitting said brick wall with her feeling pretty screwed and depressed and frustrated because I am letting her down. This is putting a damper on my better moods well so far, Sucks feeling like a failure at something you used to be able to make your girl happy with and doing.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> do Depression and Anxiety meds cause ED issues?


Yes, it's possible. Google the above question. And talk to your doctor.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ChaseM_0000000000 I am not being flippant here, but you attempted to abort your life, let quibble about your girlfriend having an abortion?

As for your friends? They aren't friends. Not really.


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## ChaseM_0000000000 (Mar 23, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @ChaseM_0000000000 I am not flippant here, but you attempted to abort your life. Let quibble about your girlfriend having an abortion?
> 
> As for your friends? They aren't friends. Not really.


I honestly don't follow with the first bit, and Gonna be honest went and googled Quibble, lol. 

Sorry for keep responding to this thread just figured to keep it all in one place and just vent and seek out help here.

Yeah, our mutual friends are more my girl's friends than real mine? I just call them mutual because there is one or two that actually likes me for me? I guess is the best phrase?

My girl goes back to work next Friday. Yes, she has used all of her vacation and PTO time off to be with me. Honestly kind of scared for her to be going back and leaving me alone. I will not tell her that because one of us needs to be at work right now. I just haven't really been left alone since it all happened, so hopefully, I get cleared to go back to work here soon as well Because. If I am honest, I don't trust myself the best right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Google suicide helpline and call them. You still need assistance I think.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ChaseM_0000000000 said:


> I honestly don't follow with the first bit, and Gonna be honest went and googled Quibble, lol.
> 
> Sorry for keep responding to this thread just figured to keep it all in one place and just vent and seek out help here.
> 
> ...


Reach out and get an anchor like @MattMatt suggested.

Your girl can't hold it all and you need grounded until your head is in the right place.

There is no shame in getting help.


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