# She'd be okay NEVER having sex again?!?



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

I've previously posted about the collapse of my marriage due to complete lack of sex for the last 18+ months. Well, I haven't moved out yet for financial reasons, so I do keep trying to talk to my wife about this situation. Her answer just...keeps...changing.

Sometimes she says she doesn't want sex because she just stopped being attracted to me as a person.

Sometimes she says she doesn't want sex because of certain childhood incidents (which obviously happened long before we were married and didn't stop things for well over a decade).

Sometimes she says she doesn't want sex because her tubes were tied after her last c-section, which I allowed to happen because her OB said it HAD to be done for safety reasons. She says that having sex makes her think about not being able to have another baby. Except...that all happened back in 2004, before everything went to hell completely.

But one thing she says pretty consistently is that she's okay never having sex again. She says she doesn't use any of her toys. She SWEARS she's not with anyone else.

She's only 39. I've never heard of a woman just giving up on sex at such a young age. Hell, her PEAK was supposed to be at about 37-38, right? So how the hell would she be okay never having it ever again at a time when biologically she's supposed to be in peak shape?

It just makes no sense to me, as a matter of biology. As for psychology, if she really DOES feel like that, it's a major psychological issue. For which she won't get counseling as a couple or on her own.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It could be that the incidents from the past have been brought back to light by being a mother. Different events in life can trigger it.
But she needs to own that. If she wants to be married she needs to work on it. 
Has she had her hormones checked out?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Most women peak in there 40's and 50's....your a little early in the 30's. She should get a physical first to make sure there are ni medical issues (depression, thyroid issues, diabetes, high blood pressure meds..etc..)why her libido is dead. How are things outside the bedroom...is the relationship strong there or are there issues there?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

A lot of anger, for a lot of years. If all was peachy and the sex was missing, I would feel more compelled to stay. But to me the sugar to balance the inevitable sour of marriage is sex. And when the sour is stronger, the lack of sweet is that much worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Anger (yours or hers or both) could have killed it.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Wow, how sad. You can't make her change...and it sounds like she doesn't want to change. I feel for you. Frustrating position to be in. Just remember...life if short. Go with your gut feeling.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I feel for you, I really do. I am in a similar situation and my wifee is just clueless and doesn't get it, no sex in 1.5 months now......I have basically given up on her for having sex. Her LD may be the death of our marriage, who knows? I mean, she is a kind, loving, caring, good wife but physically, sexually she fails and get an "F" in my books. I've read e-books, been more alpha male, help without asking, surprise flowers, cards, meals before she gets up and home from work, always some chores around the house, lots of cuddling on the couch "that's why I'm cuddlebug" but even after doing all this, still LD and never really takes the initiative, talks dirty, dresses up, never been in the shower together in our entire marriage, no movies, basically, nothing that most women would love to try and do. We aren't ignoring each other, but no physicality = no closeness and more friends now and its all her doing. I blame her parents for being ultra quiet and conservative and herself for never taking care of her body, eating healthier and wanting sex. You can't have it all I guess........I will suck it up, another sexless marriage and she's only 34. If there was a drug to kick start the LD to normal drive or even HD, I would buy it for her!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's ok with never having sex again. She doesn't find you attractive. Your money apparently still looks ok. I assume she must be ok with you getting your sexual needs attended to elsewhere because she has quit that job. 
If she has retired from being a sexual partner, how does she show intimacy, nurturing, caring, etc, for her husband? If she doesn't, what is her relationship to you? It wouldn't be "wife". How long have you been married and when did this nookie drought start?


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

I've never understood how men or women believe that can just "check out" in marriage sexually. Don't they realize that that is their prime role and reason to be husband and wife. 

It is certainly NOT the only reason, but it is the MAIN reason in that a person has chosen someone to "be" with for life and they love them so much that they want only them 24/7 in love, sex, and in their lives and to eventually have children with them as well.

It is a therefore a lifetime commitment and not something to be taken lightly. When someone goes so far as to make that commitment, betrayal will be devestating. A person truly is only as good as their word and no matter what a person's problem is, whether it is childhood trauma, low hormones, etc., they gave themselves to their mate for life and to withhold is one of the most crulest and vile things a person can do to another.

There is however no responsibility anymore in much of society today, and most people go into marriage thinking there is already a way out if they don't like it. People don't mind lying all the time today and therefore, most people are worthless and don't deserve love.

The problem is, when you are in love, it is hard to understand how someone you love so much and proclaims the same to you could lie to you and betray you. This problem will only get worse though since no one is taught in school, or by most parents the value of keeping your word and being true to yourself and to others and how worthless a liar is much less the fact that the Bible states that liars have their place in the lake of fire.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Some of the reasons she mentioned (she's not attracted to you) are those YOU have to address. It may be you aren't meeting her needs, you let yourself go, etc... Only you can address those.

The others (no interest, tubes tied, childhood incidents) are things SHE needs to address.

Make a deal with her that you will address your issues and she will address hers. Explain to her that the implied marital contract of monogamy goes hand-in-hand with the implied contract of meeting your spouse's sexual needs. You promised monogamy but not celibacy.

Let her know that the marriage will not continue unless she addresses her issues. Divorce must always be an option.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

In answer to questions above, we're just shy of our seventeenth anniversary. The draught started about five years ago, and has been total (no sex at all) for over eighteen months.
With regard to my attractiveness, I'm working out, eating less, cutting out soft drinks, etc. The weight is coming off, though of course if will take the better part of a year to lose what I need to lose (I'm at 270 now, should be no more than about 190-200). Her issues, well, she's not interested. I think it's a stubbornness thing, not wanting to be the one to "give," a pride thing, and just a generals I of desire to continue the marriage. Yet she says I'm the one who decided I don't want HER.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> Wow, how sad. You can't make her change...and it sounds like she doesn't want to change. I feel for you. Frustrating position to be in. Just remember...life if short. Go with your gut feeling.


I agree.....BUT think hard before anything life choices.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Well, that goes without saying. But after more than four years, I've done a LOT of thinking. And I'm too damned young to die a monk.

Worst part is she tells me she honestly thought I'd be okay with the situation, since living with her means I see the kids all the time.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I feel for you, I really do. I am in a similar situation and my wifee is just clueless and doesn't get it, no sex in 1.5 months now......I have basically given up on her for having sex. Her LD may be the death of our marriage, who knows? I mean, she is a kind, loving, caring, good wife but physically, sexually she fails and get an "F" in my books. I've read e-books, been more alpha male, help without asking, surprise flowers, cards, meals before she gets up and home from work, always some chores around the house, lots of cuddling on the couch "that's why I'm cuddlebug" but even after doing all this, still LD and never really takes the initiative, talks dirty, dresses up, never been in the shower together in our entire marriage, no movies, basically, nothing that most women would love to try and do. We aren't ignoring each other, but no physicality = no closeness and more friends now and its all her doing. I blame her parents for being ultra quiet and conservative and herself for never taking care of her body, eating healthier and wanting sex. You can't have it all I guess........I will suck it up, another sexless marriage and she's only 34. If there was a drug to kick start the LD to normal drive or even HD, I would buy it for her!!!


Supposedly there is a version of Cialis for women and it is said to really work.

The other is PT-141, it is injected subcutaneously ( under the skin ) it raises libido in males and females. It works.

The thing about it, is she might not want to know she's taking it. You may have to literally put a gun to her head...


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> In answer to questions above, we're just shy of our seventeenth anniversary. The draught started about five years ago, and has been total (no sex at all) for over eighteen months.
> With regard to my attractiveness, I'm working out, eating less, cutting out soft drinks, etc. The weight is coming off, though of course if will take the better part of a year to lose what I need to lose (I'm at 270 now, should be no more than about 190-200). Her issues, well, she's not interested. I think it's a stubbornness thing, not wanting to be the one to "give," a pride thing, and just a generals I of desire to continue the marriage. Yet she says I'm the one who decided I don't want HER.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


270 is fat. Did her desire wane for you as you put on the weight? This is a strong possibility.

The truth of the matter is us husbands need to be attractive even on the singles market.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> A lot of anger, for a lot of years. If all was peachy and the sex was missing, I would feel more compelled to stay. But to me the sugar to balance the inevitable sour of marriage is sex. And when the sour is stronger, the lack of sweet is that much worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anger, resentment, and issues overall always spill into the bedroom. It would be nice if it worked like you say... but it doesn't. 

No attraction for you isn't just physical. It's attitude, alpha\beta, how well you meet each other's needs, and whether each spouse feels they are appreciated, listening, etc. Unfortunately, it can also mean their sex drive for you isn't there. Just you.

Women do want sex the more sex they have. If it's absent for a long time, yeah it can be out of sight out of mind.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

270 is fat? No ****, really? Thanks for that, I has nooooooo idea. I was just going to the gym for ****s and giggles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> 270 is fat? No ****, really? Thanks for that, I has nooooooo idea. I was just going to the gym for ****s and giggles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm fat too. I realize I let some weight pile on me over the years, and it's not entirely due to age, some is my fault and I gain weight when I drink alcohol.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

The thing is she's at least as overweight as I am. Yes, it affects my visual attraction to her, but at the end if the day she's my wife and that's who I have sex with. Yak the good and the bad, right? I've never gotten on her about her weight or called her fat (the reverse is not true). In other words, I accept her as heavy as she is and don't love her any less for it.

Look, people can find any number of reasons not to want sex. And if it's important they can come up with just as many ways to overcome that initial lack of desire. I she wanted to, she could. If she was willing to work on it I'd stay, plain and simple. It's her refusal to wen see it as a problem that is leading me out the door. Couples work through issues, even really hard ones, all the time. By I can't work on this one alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> The thing is she's at least as overweight as I am. Yes, it affects my visual attraction to her, but at the end if the day she's my wife and that's who I have sex with. Yak the good and the bad, right? I've never gotten on her about her weight or called her fat (the reverse is not true). In other words, I accept her as heavy as she is and don't love her any less for it.
> 
> Look, people can find any number of reasons not to want sex. And if it's important they can come up with just as many ways to overcome that initial lack of desire. I she wanted to, she could. If she was willing to work on it I'd stay, plain and simple. It's her refusal to wen see it as a problem that is leading me out the door. Couples work through issues, even really hard ones, all the time. By I can't work on this one alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Theres one truth.

No matter if you love someone.

They will be "hotter" if they are more physically attractive and your desire will be even stronger.

What's physically attractive is up to you. We always assume that the tighter body is more physically attractive, but some men are more attracted to women with curves - so if his skinny girl, gained 15 lbs, his boner and sex drive might be that much stronger.

The truth doesn't hurt at all, sometimes it might mean there is some work to do, some time to do, some planning, or maybe that you really don't want to do that.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Openminded said:


> Anger (yours or hers or both) could have killed it.


I agree to this.

Also, she's not emotionally connected with you. Once you get this back(by meeting her needs), she will be more open to meeting yours.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tulanian said:


> I've previously posted about the collapse of my marriage due to complete lack of sex for the last 18+ months. Well, I haven't moved out yet for financial reasons, so I do keep trying to talk to my wife about this situation. Her answer just...keeps...changing.
> 
> Sometimes she says she doesn't want sex because she just stopped being attracted to me as a person.
> 
> ...


Ok, your wife could have been me with my ex hb. I didn't have my tubes tied but he was fixed so that wasn't an issue. The truth was I didn't want sex with him; he was lousy in bed (very selfish) and generally didn't treat me well. My current husband is not only fabulous in bed but is an all around great guy, and I can assure you I look forward to sex with him. I'm not saying this is what's going on here but I suspect she's not that into you. I guess she could just be asexual but option number one is far more lonely, imo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tulanian said:


> The thing is she's at least as overweight as I am. Yes, it affects my visual attraction to her, but at the end if the day she's my wife and that's who I have sex with. Yak the good and the bad, right? I've never gotten on her about her weight or called her fat (the reverse is not true). In other words, I accept her as heavy as she is and don't love her any less for it.
> 
> Look, people can find any number of reasons not to want sex. And if it's important they can come up with just as many ways to overcome that initial lack of desire. I she wanted to, she could. If she was willing to work on it I'd stay, plain and simple. It's her refusal to wen see it as a problem that is leading me out the door. Couples work through issues, even really hard ones, all the time. By I can't work on this one alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she senses you're a bit turned off by her? it sounds like you are, but you also want to have sex and she's your wife, so you take it from her. That.would turn off a lot of women; men are different in that many can separate the sex itself from body image, anger with partner, etc. women have a tough time with this. Maybe you can tell her you love her and you'd like to get into better shape as a couple?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> The thing is she's at least as overweight as I am. Yes, it affects my visual attraction to her, but at the end if the day she's my wife and that's who I have sex with. Yak the good and the bad, right? I've never gotten on her about her weight or called her fat (the reverse is not true). In other words, I accept her as heavy as she is and don't love her any less for it.
> 
> Look, people can find any number of reasons not to want sex. And if it's important they can come up with just as many ways to overcome that initial lack of desire. I she wanted to, she could. If she was willing to work on it I'd stay, plain and simple. It's her refusal to wen see it as a problem that is leading me out the door. Couples work through issues, even really hard ones, all the time. By I can't work on this one alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this, OP.
Except for the concept that she should or could continue having an intimate relationship with you until the problems are resolved.

This isn't possible for all people. It is for you...... and maybe necessary for you to stay connected. Some people are not capable of that. A lot of people. It's common.

Yes, I agree with the "If you wanted to, you would". But the second part of that is "If you don't know how, learn". This is where you have to be willing to put the ego aside and look at solutions. Regardless of how much effort you have put in. Put away the scoreboard. Work on what you can change, which is you. It's very possible to change you, and deal with your own resentments, reactions. 

When you have cleaned up your side of the street, then you can fully say it's all on her. It sucks. Your alternative is ?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, your wife could have been me with my ex hb. I didn't have my tubes tied but he was fixed so that wasn't an issue. The truth was I didn't want sex with him; he was lousy in bed (very selfish) and generally didn't treat me well. My current husband is not only fabulous in bed but is an all around great guy, and I can assure you I look forward to sex with him. I'm not saying this is what's going on here but I suspect she's not that into you. I guess she could just be asexual but option number one is far more lonely, imo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So your telling us in your case a self centered Alpha Male lost to a generous and loving Nice guy?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> So your telling us in your case a self centered Alpha Male lost to a generous and loving Nice guy?


Well, I would classify my ex as an ahole, not an alpha. Big difference. In fact, he liked to pick his hands up to me but would never get in the face of another man. That's not much of a man. And my husband does have alpha traits in that he takes care of business. Alpha and ahole are mutually exclusive  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Tulanian said:


> The thing is she's at least as overweight as I am. Yes, it affects my visual attraction to her, but at the end if the day she's my wife and that's who I have sex with. Yak the good and the bad, right? I've never gotten on her about her weight or called her fat (the reverse is not true). In other words, I accept her as heavy as she is and don't love her any less for it.
> 
> Look, people can find any number of reasons not to want sex. And if it's important they can come up with just as many ways to overcome that initial lack of desire. I she wanted to, she could. If she was willing to work on it I'd stay, plain and simple. It's her refusal to wen see it as a problem that is leading me out the door. Couples work through issues, even really hard ones, all the time. By I can't work on this one alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She may not feel sexy being over weight. Her own body issues maybe yalls biggest issue. I hope things work out for you.


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