# letter of no contact



## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

i caught my partner having an affair he swore its over now i asked him to write a letter or email to her to state that its well and truly over he said no he wont do it and to be honest i dont want to make him do it if he does not mean it, can it still be final without this last bit of contact


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Doesn't want to do NC? That affair is so NOT over.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It could be final. The no contact letter isn't so much about your husband ceasing contact with the other woman. It's more about him exhibiting his commitment to you over her. By communicating to you and the OW that he chooses you over her, the affair is much more likely to end.

If your husband refuses to do a NC letter, he could be trying to spare the OW's feelings, he could simply be too embarrassed to deal with the subject, or he could be refusing to shun the OW because he doesn't intend to stop the affair. There's no way to know.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marcat said:


> i caught my partner having an affair he swore its over now i asked him to write a letter or email to her to state that its well and truly over he said no he wont do it and to be honest i dont want to make him do it if he does not mean it, can it still be final without this last bit of contact


He writes an NC letter, E-Mail, or phone call(On speaker with you present) or there`s no reconciliation.

Do not back down on this, his refusal to do so is a continuance of his disrespect for you and your relationship.

It`s a bit of embarrassment he has to go through and is nothing compared to what his affair has done to you.

Likely he doesn`t want to do it because he`s just taking the affair underground and hasn`t truly ended it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Pretty much no. The thing is that letter of NC is for all of you, him, the OW and you. It's an official declaration that the affair is over for him, the OW is not welcome in his life and she should not come back around under any circumstance. Without that declaration he is either still involved in the affair or trying not to totally shut the door with the OW in case reconciling with you doesn't work out. Either way he is still not totally recommitted to your marriage.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Pretty much no. The thing is that letter of NC is for all of you, him, the OW and you. It's an official declaration that the affair is over for him, the OW is not welcome in his life and she should not come back around under any circumstance. Without that declaration he is either still involved in the affair or trying not to totally shut the door with the OW in case reconciling with you doesn't work out. Either way he is still not totally recommitted to your marriage.


Ditto,:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marcat said:


> can it still be final without this last bit of contact


YES. It can still be final. 

I ended my A this way. I did not do a "no contact letter" or "no contact phone call" or anything of the sort. I simply ended all communication with the OM and deleted his #, blocked his contacts, deleted my FB, and blocked any and all avenues of me being able to contact him and him being able to contact me. Over. Finito. Done. And told my husband about the affair. 

A "no contact letter" means nothing if the disloyal spouse is still having contact. A "No contact letter" and actually staying "No contact" are two different things. 

Now, with that said, if it's something that would make you more comfortable for you H to do, then he should do any/everything to earn your trust back and if that includes writing a NC letter, then so be it. By that token, had my husband asked me to do a NC letter, I would have completely obliged.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

i sent him an email yesterday stating that for me to try and trust him again and believe that the affair is well and truly over and considering the fact that i had taken him back for a week then one evening we were both out i got cranky and stormed off home he went to her house came back next morning swore he stayed on her sofa... likley story, that was monday he stayed here mon night i sent the email yesterday he didnt respond i had to bring it up to him , he wont or cant do it so i told him i couldnt be in a relationship with him anymore anyway hes gone since last night


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

That sucks to hear, but now you have your answer and can move forward


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mar--sorry to hear it. 

The good thing is you stated a clear boundary. The fact that he did not respond and left last night states clearly where his head is at.

If he is truly remorseful and wants your marriage to work, he WILL oblige your request.

If he does not or will not do it--you haven't lost much. 

You deserve better.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Even though you're upset about your divorce, you will feel better in a year knowing that you stood up for yourself and refused to be his backup plan.

Get a lawyer and let him handle your divorce. You should be focusing on yourself. Eat right, exercise, and try to sleep. You'll be better positioned for your new life.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

thanks for the kind words, at the moment im feeling like i did when i discovered the affair in the first place, shakey, nervy etc,etc, but i cant live that way anymore and when i took him back for the week it was like living with a stranger, like he was here but he wasnt really here if that makes sense and also he seemed angry with me and i felt he also felt resentful toward me for some reason


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

It ain't over....

If he refuses to do the NC letter, keep your now set boundary firm and don't budge.

How disrespectful of him, in my opinion. I would take that as he still wants his cake and eat it too.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marcat said:


> thlike he was here but he wasnt really here if that makes sense and also he seemed angry with me and i* felt he also felt resentful toward me for some reason*


He is resentful toward you because you just told him he can't have his cake and eat it, too. 

He was sitting on the fence and you just moved it for him. He doesn't like that. 

Too bad.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> He is resentful toward you because you just told him he can't have his cake and eat it, too.
> 
> He was sitting on the fence and you just moved it for him. He doesn't like that.
> 
> Too bad.


True Jellybean wisdom.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I see the "no-contact" letter less than an "ultimatum" and more of an "opt-out."

Meaning you are not going to play by his rules anymore and if he wants to reconcile then the "boundary" has been set and needs to be respected.

Good for you Mary! Keep to your "boundary"...no one should have to be in a three way relationship if one chooses not to.

Now focus on getting yourself stable and healthy again.


God Bless.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey marcat----he CHEATED---he gets NO say about ANYTHING

Stop allowing him to dictate what is gonna happen---this is your game, played by your rules---if it isn't done that way----he will do anything he wants, any time he wants---knowing you will do nothing about it

You MUST get in his face, and lay down the law---If you say jump, he says how high---If he won't play by your rules, then tell him D. is on the table, and mean what you say.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> True Jellybean wisdom.


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## marcat (Aug 31, 2011)

the affair wasnt over i caught him again, anyway he is not living here with me by my choice i think he stays with her most nights and possibly has an apartment as well, the thing is he comes over to my home to shower and get changes of clothes i asked him not to come here and his reply was.. i only go home when your not there.. do you think i should pack all his stuff up and leave it outside her door walk away and then ring him to tell him his belongings are outside his mistresses door and then get my locks


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Marcat , change the locks then pack his stuff for him, your home is not a hotel it is his behaviour and decision not to stay there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Before you change the locks, you need to get a lawyer. IANAL, but I think he has the legal right to come and go until you have a divorce decree or a separation agreement.

However, I certainly think that throwing all his clothes and toiletries in the trunk of his car could stop his coming over.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Next time he shows up, call the police.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Next time he shows up, call the police.


How quickly do you think police will respond to a call of a man not causing trouble in his own house? As a taxpayer, I sure hope they're putting that just ahead of washing the car on their list of priorities.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Change the locks , as long as you can evidence by way of an address where he has moved into and state he abandoned you , you stand a good chance that he will not be supported by the police . If he does try all the neighbours will know he has been kicked out, all you then need to do is let them know it is for adultery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> YES. It can still be final.
> 
> I ended my A this way. I did not do a "no contact letter" or "no contact phone call" or anything of the sort. I simply ended all communication with the OM and deleted his #, blocked his contacts, deleted my FB, and blocked any and all avenues of me being able to contact him and him being able to contact me. Over. Finito. Done. And told my husband about the affair.
> 
> ...



I completely agree with this. Some people are such sticklers on the letter. I think the ACTIONS are louder than the words in that letter. I do think it shows a powerful message to the BS though, as long as it is backed up by actually not contacting them.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Change the locks , as long as you can evidence by way of an address where he has moved into and state he abandoned you , you stand a good chance that he will not be supported by the police . If he does try all the neighbours will know he has been kicked out, all you then need to do is let them know it is for adultery.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Changing the locks may keep him out. But, if he's a joint owner of the property, as husbands usually are, he generally has a legal right to enter the property. If it's a big deal, you can get a temporary eviction notice from a divorce court keeping him out of the house.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> How quickly do you think police will respond to a call of a man not causing trouble in his own house? As a taxpayer, I sure hope they're putting that just ahead of washing the car on their list of priorities.


PHT, I think we've had this out before. Cops are not there to hash over who owns what and playing fair. Cops are there to defuse the threat-and if that means dragging the man(never the woman) out in handcuffs, they WILL do it.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

F-102 said:


> PHT, I think we've had this out before. Cops are not there to hash over who owns what and playing fair. Cops are there to defuse the threat-and if that means dragging the man(never the woman) out in handcuffs, they WILL do it.


You are correct. So why do you keep advising people to call the cops to hash over who owns what and make someone play fair? The OP said she was annoyed and upset that her partner comes home when she doesn't want him to. She never said he was violent or threatening.


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