# This is an important post about R



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well said.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks for posting.

That's exactly what I have experienced down to the letter. I thought he was writing about me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

badmemory said:


> Thanks for posting.
> 
> That's exactly what I have experienced down to the letter. I thought he was writing about me.


It should be added to the just found out library. The one thing I would change is everyone saying you never fully get over it. You do if you move on, at least as far as the pain it causes you. It is able to cause you pain because you are still emotionally attached. When you detach and attach to someone else the emotional connection that causes the pain is no longer there, so no pain. Then it is just a bad event in your life. That is not spoken enough about. It has impact because of the continued emotional connection.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

"2-5 years is the time it takes to heal. But healing isn't returning to pre-affair condition.
I was in a severe car accident at 19. It took a relatively short time to heal. But I never, EVER got back to pre-accident condition. Ever.
I never will.
I think the same is true with infidelity. You have both to heal as an individual and build a NEW relationship.
And if you aren't blessed with a spouse who's as remorseful as remorseful can be? Then frankly, I don't think the latter can really be accomplished. I think you can heal as a person---perhaps even remain married. But I don't think there's real reconciliation."

I liked this reply.

Of course you have traumatic aftereffects. Whether you stay married or not. It IS a huge deal. It's PTSD - PISD is one term  Many people can't handle having a daily reminder, ie their spouse, around reminding them of what they did. Most, even, can't handle that. That's why I tell people to kick the cheater out the very same day they find out about the cheating. I really believe that anyone who doesn't want to kick the cheater out is far more likely to just rugsweep the whole thing and forever turn a blind eye to what their spouse is up to. Those people might stay married, but they are never in true R.

In very rare cases, a WS will actually learn from what they did and arm themselves to prevent it from ever happening again. If the BS can examine their own heart and TRULY believe this to be the case, then and ONLY THEN should they allow any attempt at R. I also think many BS's are grasping at straws trying desperately to keep their family together no matter what, and never give themselves the time or opportunity they need to truly examine their heart. And they end up staying when the cheater has no intention of ever quitting.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sokillme said:


> It should be added to the just found out library. The one thing I would change is everyone saying you never fully get over it. You do if you move on, at least as far as the pain it causes you. It is able to cause you pain because you are still emotionally attached. *When you detach and attach to someone else the emotional connection that causes the pain is no longer there, so no pain. * Then it is just a bad event in your life. That is not spoken enough about. It has impact because of the continued emotional connection.


It isn't that easy, though. My first husband cheated on me, and that left me forever scarred, for DECADES after we split. Being cheated on is so traumatic that it has repercussions far beyond just the relationship with the cheater. It moves into your next relationship, it affects your sleep, it affects your thoughts. You can be doing something totally innocuous and suddenly get hit between the eyes with blind rage directed at your ex YEARS after the fact. Especially if what they did affected your kids.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yep.

But someone else had a good point too. Trauma is from D-Day. Not from R. So there is the pain from the D. Either way, it's still a poopy sandwich.

Overall, it seems almost every one will experience some form of infidelity in thier lives.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> It isn't that easy, though. My first husband cheated on me, and that left me forever scarred, for DECADES after we split. Being cheated on is so traumatic that it has repercussions far beyond just the relationship with the cheater. It moves into your next relationship, it affects your sleep, it affects your thoughts. You can be doing something totally innocuous and suddenly get hit between the eyes with blind rage directed at your ex YEARS after the fact. Especially if what they did affected your kids.


I agree some things in life you always have scar from, I am talking about that stabbing pain you get when what happened to you pops in your mind. That is gone. The scar is there. It changes you. I will not agree that it moves to the next relationship at least not for me. I would always be more cautious but I trust my wife. I see my ex's cheating to be a product of her and her alone. It did take away my innocence about love, but in a lot of ways that was a good thing.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *from the SI post linked above:*
> But you know what? For as confident as I am in my marriage and my wife, there are still times when it gets me. The hole in my heart that never really leaves. The disdain for her behavior during (and immediately after) her affair. The self-loathing for handling the post-dday events so poorly
> 
> In fact, the infidelity NEVER leaves, no matter how many years someone quotes on a message board.
> ...



To address the OP statement of 


> In fact, the infidelity NEVER leaves, no matter how many years someone quotes on a message board.


I am over 20+ YEARS IN R and can verify the OP statement and tell you that in my situation some of effects of infidelity have never left. The distain for her behavior can only be pushed to the back by being occupied with something else. Self-loathing for handling the post-day events is not one that affects me. I divorced her and made her prove her remorse for over 4 years then remarried her. However, there are still a few permanent damages. The first is that I now see her as a weak person and the second is that I can never 100% trust her completely too always have my best interest at heart. Thirdly, I do not admire her as much as I did pre-affair.

She has several very good points but those negatives I mentioned above are permanent. I learned that my best plan for my life is to become as self-sufficed as possible because when it gets to the real hard issues in life you are on your own with a proven betrayer. I have a very good life an she adds some positives to my life but *the main reason that I have a very good life is because I have been blessed and have achieved a degree of self-sufficiency in body, mind, emotions, and spirit.
*


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

It doesn't take 2-5 years to get over it. It doesn't take 2-5 years to accept it. It doesn't take 2-5 years to forget about it.

It takes 2-5 years to learn how to live with yourself, after being reminded everyday what your spouse is capable of. 2-5 years to go back on what you always told your friends growing up, that you would "never stay with someone that cheated on me, no matter what". It takes 2-5 years for the mind movies to not keep ripping your heart out and bringing you to tears everytime you think about it.


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## JayOwen (Oct 26, 2016)

Well ain't this just a happy thought to be reading on Valentine's Day?

This advice speaks to me, being at just about the 4-month mark. I lately find myself wondering how long it's going to feel like this, and the comments here match my assumptions. I hear a lot of "it will take years but it will get better" (from therapists and a family member). What I always suspected was missing from that math was "It will take years to not carry the hurt around all the time, but the wounds will be there for a lifetime, and they'll reopen regularly."

I like the advice from @MRBlunt -- build a self-sufficient, positive life (for myself and my kids) that isn't reliant on the wife for good things. I feel I'm already doing that but it's a good mantra to keep in mind. And the advice from @sokillme rings true as well, the hurt probably lasts because of the connection, no connection and the hurt is considerably dulled. Why? Because I would be CHOOSING to end it, taking back full control. The hurt continues for me because I CHOOSE to stay, which means trying to figure out how to incorporate that humiliation into my sense of self identity. I wouldn't call it a daily battle, more like a daily frustration. Supportive friends and family help -- and knowing that (for now) it seems this is the best approach for the kids. We'll see...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

JayOwen said:


> Well ain't this just a happy thought to be reading on Valentine's Day?
> 
> This advice speaks to me, being at just about the 4-month mark. I lately find myself wondering how long it's going to feel like this, and the comments here match my assumptions. I hear a lot of "it will take years but it will get better" (from therapists and a family member). What I always suspected was missing from that math was "It will take years to not carry the hurt around all the time, but the wounds will be there for a lifetime, and they'll reopen regularly."
> 
> I like the advice from @MRBlunt -- build a self-sufficient, positive life (for myself and my kids) that isn't reliant on the wife for good things. I feel I'm already doing that but it's a good mantra to keep in mind. And the advice from @sokillme rings true as well, the hurt probably lasts because of the connection, no connection and the hurt is considerably dulled. Why? Because I would be CHOOSING to end it, taking back full control. The hurt continues for me because I CHOOSE to stay, which means trying to figure out how to incorporate that humiliation into my sense of self identity. I wouldn't call it a daily battle, more like a daily frustration. Supportive friends and family help -- and knowing that (for now) it seems this is the best approach for the kids. We'll see...


It IS a happy thought because there is always better out there when you're stuck in this situation. 

Now if you want to stay, I think one of the things you can do is to give up your romantic notions of your spouse. Many people who get PAed on talk about sex like I can't believe they would give something so sacred away. Here's the thing, it never was and never will be sacred to your WS. You need to stop romanticizing it like that if you are going to stay with them. To them, sex really is more like taking someone out to dinner. It's not sacred and if they told you that they lied to you to get you to be with them. 

I think part of the pain is your rational mind telling you, look here is who you are married to, and your emotional idyllic love fighting that fact. You need to give up your idealism. That's a hard thing to do for people who like the idea of idealistic love. But that is the lot you have chosen to accept. 

The idea being quit trying to swim upstream and accept this is the river you have chosen to swim in. This is the person you are married to, you aren't going to be married to that idealistic person you thought you would be when you said I do if you stay. I am big on dealing with reality, not fantasy. You can only get better if you deal with reality first. You can't change it.

The other thing is dealing with the reality of your feelings. You read over and over people talk about the stages and one of the stages is the plane of lethal flatness. What that really is, is you falling out of love with someone who treated you badly. That is not something to fight. It is a sign that your marriage is dead. It is your hearts acceptance and deciding this is not something you can't live with. If that happens it's wrong to stay, it's even unfair to the WS. It's actually a blessing because you can detach without all the pain.


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