# Please help me...Trying to cope with his infidelity



## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

Hello, I am new here and I am hoping to find someone that I can talk to about what I have been going through for the past month after being made aware that the man that I have loved for so long and trusted so completely has betrayed me in what I consider to be the ultimate betrayal. Infidelity. Below is just a brief: How I came to find out about it and all the emotions that I went through in such a few minutes.

If anyone out there is willing to talk or make any suggestions about this it would be deeply appreciated and I would be so grateful for your time. I am also willing to make any clarifications if necessary.

My husband and I have been together for 9.5 years, married for six of those years. He had been putting distance between us for a while and no matter what I did or said he would not, or did not want to see what I was telling him. 

He had always been a very affectionate man with me. Giving me kisses and hugs just because. About eight months or so ago when I would tell him that I miss him, his kisses, hugs and affection he would just respond by saying that he was never like that. I would tell him that that was not true because it was one of the reasons for which I had fallen in love with him. I would also tell him "you kiss me as if you were kissing your daughter, I am your wife not your daughter. 

This went on for a while and eventually on Tuesday, February 12th while I was at work he packed his things and went to stay at his parents house. The next day at the office I was a total mess. I could not focus on what needed to be done. 

That night when I got home (on the second night of him being at his parents) I lost it. I had a massive breakdown and I was on the verge of, if not having, an anxiety attack. Under my sisters persistance (who was on the phone trying to comfort me the best she could) I gave in and called him. 

After hearing me on the phone he tells me that he will call me back in a few. I found it strange that under the state of mind that I was in that he would say that he would call me back. An odd feeling came over me but I did not feed into it. About 15 minutes later he called and he was oddly quite. Then I heard him saying "I am sorry, I am so sorry". At first I thought he was sorry for what his leaving was doing to me but when he apologized yet again there was something strange that I found myself asking him what it was that he was sorry about. He hesitated and then I heard him say those four words that just cut right through me, "I had an affair". 

I was completely blown away. I was like, what did you just say. But in reality he did not have to repeat it because I knew exactly what he had said. Then he said it again. My tears just stopped and I went through a series of emotions. From a breakdown to shock and disbelief to hurt to disappointment to anger and then to a state of rage. 

What made it worst was that all this was happening over the phone. I found myself demanding for him to come home. He did not want to, I could hear the fear in his voice as to what I might do. I found myself yelling and cursing at him. How could he do this to me and then to tell me about it over the phone. I called him a coward for that. 

I demanded that we talk about this but not over the phone, it had to be face to face. I wanted to see the look on his face. He finally agreed to meet with me the next day. After getting off the phone I was livid. I wanted to beat the sh*t out of him. About 30 minutes later I heard the front door, it was him. 

He said that while listening to me on the phone, feelings that he thought were dead came alive within him once again and that he realized that he still does love me. The 15 minutes before calling me back and confessing his infidelity he called her to put an end to it all.

I need help in getting past all of this. He has made a complete turn around, I feel as if I have gotten my husband back as he used to be. I still do love my husband, I always have. But how can I ever trust him and put those images of them behind me?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I can certainly understand why you went through all these emotions. Anger, hurt, anxiety, love, fear….. Your live has been side swiped and it will take time for everything to stop spinning. Get your bearings as best you can at this point and try to find your feelings and wants. If you are of faith ask Him for help. He stated “I had an affair”. Is it over? How did your meeting go with him? Because he withdrew from you over the past few months it may have been the affair or there was something else bothering him that may have made him get involved in the first place. A little more information please.


----------



## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

I woud deffently find out what he was missing from your relationship. You talk about how he would kiss you and so forth and how it made you feel. I guess as a man I would have to ask what were you doing to make him feel the same way. You may have been doing everything I don't know but for most men to cheat it is because they are missing somthing. The feeling of being needed, wanted, desired or loved. The two of you realy need to have a long talk and maybe have a third person there to talk with you. As far as not trusting him. That will take time, what he did was wrong and cut to your soul. Those wounds happen fast but can take years to heal, if they heal at all. It is going to take great effort on your part to trust him. You will just about need to force yourself to do it I'm affraid. I do beleave though that people can make mistakes, even one such as this and still move on. I guess it is just according to how strong your love realy is in the end.


----------



## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

My feelings are that I still love him despite of it all and I do want to be able to get past this. (If you like, take a look at the bottom of my original post, I added a few comments to it this morning). That will answer your question "Is it over". 

As for the meeting, by the time he walked through the front door I was numb. We talked, or should I say, I talked and demanded answers, which he did provide, but it did go rather calmly. 

The affair was not a one night thing, it had been going on for six months. On his days off of work (Thursdays, he would go over to her house, while I was at work). Through talking to him about it I learned that there were quite a few times that when I would call him to say hello and see how his day was going he was right there with her.

His reasoning for it having happened, it claims that he doesn't really know why. There are many things that I pointed out to him about what had been happening between us and he states that he realizes that I had been right all along. 

Then about two hours after me being made fully aware of his infidelity he made another mind blowing remark to me. He actually had the audacity proposed to me. He asked me if I would marry him and be his wife forever. We are legally married, he wants to renew our wedding vows. How's that one?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am sorry you are going through this. I know all too well how you must be feeling. First, the images/obsessive thoughts will decrease over time (been 7 months for me and they are very infrequent now compared to non-stop at first). I struggled with wanting to know details, because the images in my mind could not be any better, but tread with caution here as for some it will make them feel worse...for me, I couldn't deal with some random woman knowing things about me/my husband that I was out of the loop on. He may very well be confused as to why it happened as frustrating as it is for you to hear, because you need some sort of reassurance it won't happen again. He was most likely feeling some void in your marriage (feeling unloved and/or unappreciated) and you should both have some long, calm talks about where your marriage is at and how to rebuild from here (I would guess there are voids on both sides) The good news is, you both still love one another so it can work. I would think he wants to renew your vows because he's broken them and it may be his way of proving to you he really wants to be committed. I don't think it's him trying to 'erase' his mistake and go on like nothing has happened. There are some days when I wonder why we are even married, since our vows have been broken, but we haven't talked about renewing them. I don't know, just doesn't seem right either way I see it. Since he does now realize he loves you, he is going to be feeling very ashamed about the affair and may get frustrated if you keep bringing it up. I know that sounds ridiculous that you should have to worry about his feelings when your world has been flipped upside-down but wanted to put that out there so you know it's a normal reaction. The best way to move forward is to acknowledge where you BOTH were at fault in the marriage...understand what went wrong with the two of you...it does wonders to give you peace of mind that you have some control over the relationship going forward. Try to get whatever information you need to hear now and do your best to move forward from here and not keep revisiting the past...This is so much easier said than done and I still struggle with it myself. He needs to work on rebuilding your trust...he needs to be an open book for as long as it takes for you to be comfortable again. If it means calling you several times a day, or whatever. He also needs to stop all contact with the other woman (in my case they work together so it has been hard for me to regain trust) I did see a counselor on my own for a while, just to sort out the thoughts racing through my mind. Hang in there, it does get better & I have to say our marriage right now is more than I ever imagined a marriage could be


----------



## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

To Immortalone:
As for the him having the feelings of being needed, wanted, desired or loved, I have always been very affectionate and attentive towards him. I had never stopped showing him desire or love. On the contrary, I would have to point it out to him that he was the one not returning it, as I stated in my first post. 

After all of these years of being together I have always wanted to give him affection. Kisses and hugs for no particular reason other than it felt right and it felt good doing it.

We connected right from the very beginning of when we first met 9.5 years ago. We both feel that we are each others soulmates. We have always had a very strong foundation in our relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes, things happen.

As for talking, we talk just about every day and night since the revelation and we both feel that we are going to get through this. He is aware of the pain that he has inflicted upon me. He sees it in my eyes, hears it in my voice. He has apologized multiple times and has even cried for putting me through this pain and hurt.

A few times I had suggested counseling but of course he was adament about not going. Now, he is willing to do whatever it will take to make this marriage better than what it ever was, to help me past the pain and the hurt that he has caused. He has even been talking with counselors so that we can select one and go talk to them.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Coping

Some very positive things are going on for you and I commend you both for trying to work out your issues. Things will be tough for both of you for some time to come. Try to rebuild your trust in him but don’t feel guilty about any doubts or checking up on him if you feel the need to do so. He has to earn your trust back and understand that you will be keeping an eye on things. I hope things work out for you both and with the experiences you will have over the coming months that you will have some words of wisdom and support for someone down the road that finds themselves in the same situation. My best to you and your family.


----------

