# Being "Friends" with an Ex-Spouse - how does it really work?



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

This is purely hypothetical because I don't have an ex-wife and I am still married.

But I see this very often, especially for celebrities. I always wonder, how is it possible to be "friends" with an ex-wife? If I spoilt with my wife, it will be because I hate her, have lost all love, or at a minimum don't care about her at all. These are all negative feelings. How can one be "friends" with someone you have negative feelings about? Does "friends" just mean "civil" so that you can talk and deal with, without screaming and shouting? That does not sound like "friends" to me.

Is anyone here "friends" with their exes? How does it work? What do you do which makes you friends? Calling to discuss time with kids is not being friends in my opinion.

Or is "friends" just PC verbiage?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

My ex cheated on me so I will never be "friends" with her.

But I guess if you BOTH just grew apart then maybe in time it could be possible?

Idk, it's surprisingly common. I actually know a few people in that situation.

They aren't bff's or anything but they do still chat with their exs infrequently.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Adultery and grew apart and divorced before adultery are two different things. In the case of adultery 


Allies vs Friends*

France is a great ally but a louse friend. *I recall a conversation with someone in the eighties who lived and worked in France for a number of years who made this statement. *This was at the height of WFT is their problem. *

To simplify his thoughts:

First he made this point: Americans think you should be nice and try to like everyone, * The French don't even like each other. *So why should they like you? * *But they do grasp the importance of "partnership" to achieve a goal. *To them they only care about holding up their end of the bargain *and you holding up your end, *Note that then the only that matters is what is explicitly agreed actions,

The bottom line they have no problem sleeping with your spouse while "allied" with you. *They would see this as *beside the point, *they would just judge the worth of the partner in how well they held up their part of the deal. * *

In this case the BS only concern is that the WS only do what is agreed upon. The well being of the WS is none of the BS spouse and the BS will not offer any assistance only demanding to know how the WS will up hold there end of the deal.*

So that is why I say allied in * co-parenting * But not friends.*


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I know some people that could be friends with an ex. One couple I'm thinking of got divorced because one wanted kids and the other didn't. They ended their marriage amicably and didn't have any harsh feelings. So I guess a lot of it has to do with what the circumstances are. The more intense the situation was that led to the divorce the less likely that a friendship could develop. I can't add anything personally because I'm civil with my XWW and do not consider her a friend.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think it depends on how the marriage ended. If both agree to end the marriage and especially if there are children involved you can be friends or at least on friendly terms. Both my parents and my sister and BIL stayed friends after their divorces. It sure does make family gatherings less akward.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm going into month 3 of being split and the ex and I get along fine. Went to a required parenting class together last night and went out to dinner. We just didn't love each other for a long time and know it's only difficult for the kids. So for the kids sake, we are nice to each other. 

In fact, we have never been so open and talked as much as these last few months. Before, we wouldn't say a thing to each other.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

I was never married to her, but my son's mother and I are friends. We don't have each other on Facebook or anything like that because we like to keep our social lives private. We don't hang out, but we do catch up once in awhile between picking up or dropping off my son.

We were h.s. sweethearts, my family still considers her to be a part of the family.

Most of the communication stays around what's going on with my son, but once in awhile we talk about family issues.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nirvana,
You aren't friends with your wife now. You might love her - mainly that's a physical attraction thing - but you don't like her and definitely don't respect her as a partner. 

You chose to marry a staggeringly expensive (in terms of quality of life, more than dollars) status symbol. 





nirvana said:


> This is purely hypothetical because I don't have an ex-wife and I am still married.
> 
> But I see this very often, especially for celebrities. I always wonder, how is it possible to be "friends" with an ex-wife? If I spoilt with my wife, it will be because I hate her, have lost all love, or at a minimum don't care about her at all. These are all negative feelings. How can one be "friends" with someone you have negative feelings about? Does "friends" just mean "civil" so that you can talk and deal with, without screaming and shouting? That does not sound like "friends" to me.
> 
> ...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It does seem like it's only celebrities who somehow manage to pull off this "conscious uncoupling." 

I know exactly one divorced couple who remained friends. I dated the man for a while after my divorce. His ex wife had an affair with her boss while she was pregnant with their son (13 years prior) and then she ended up marrying him, and they were still friendly, celebrated holidays, etc. The man even would take his ex-wife's "new" daughter (with the boss/new husband) on vacation with him and their teen son. He adored that little girl like he was her uncle. I went to a BBQ at their home once. I found it awkward since I'd never met any of them, but they got along just fine. The man in the equation is a jovial, happy (immature) guy, so maybe that helps.

My ex and I will never, ever be friends. Neither one of us are particularly laid back and there's just way too much hurt. Obviously we did at one point get there since we reconciled, but definitely not now. I really do not get how couples can pull this off. If he was my BFF we'd still be married.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

the opposite of love is not hate but indifference....even when you hate you carry emotions for her, negative as they may be they are feelings none the less, but when you feel indifference, you lack the feeling to even care what happens in her life.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ex and I have remained friends, we care for each other as friends and as co parents. He is still part of my family and we celebrate all major life events together with our kids, my partner and my family. He goes out for dinner with my dad a couple of times a year and is always included in family functions.

The first 12 months post divorce was very different but since then we have both chosen to do the best we can for our kids and to maintain an amicable situation.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My exW and I can get along, email, or text. No animosity as our divorce was amicable. But "friends" I would say we can be civil, even share

If I had a spouse who was friends as described by others I would have an issue.

Friends implies spending time, sharing, etc. that ship sailed and we had 22 years of marriage to figure things out. 

If my spouse or partner felt a need to be caring as described in above posts I would have problems. Some posters seem to have lingering emotions for their exes.

My xW and I have a daughter in grad school. Beyond mutual support for her, I am not my exW caretaker or concern anymore.

I would say friends is a hell no. Cordial and civil yes. Friends, especially if having moved on to a new relationship or marriage, based on what I think of as a friend definition, maked no sense to me.

A friend I would have them call me for a ride or help around house, etc. doing that for my exW especially while with someone else, nope. Does not compute.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Without looking at any responses or even reading much of the op, here is what I think it means.

You walk around telling folks how wonderful your ex really is and take responsibility for everything that happened in the relationship, building them up while trying not to destroy yourself in the process. They say what they like and agree when asked if you were the problem, but tell folks you just weren't compatible or something innocuous, so that you don't look too bad to others.

That's really what it means to be friends, cause I have never read or experienced any new partners that were okay with the traditional definition of going out on a Friday evening or Saturday to a garden show or book review with the ex. I just don't see that working out well with the new spouse or SO. I don't see the new SO being okay with the ex calling and asking for help with anything. 

Maybe you mean frenemies? Not sure.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As I have said before, I have a "Mexican Standoff" relationship with my wife and am sh!t scared of her. So I don't know about friends?!?!? She is stronger, smarter, prettier, faster, wiser, more experienced, older etc etc I am not even sure we have an actual Mexican Standoff but the guns are pointed at each other although I suspect she has a better gun. As I have also said before, this adrenalin rush keeps me young.

However, I come from a long line of Cetacean humanoids who only find one mate for life, so this is what I am stuck with.:smile2:

Seriously, I don't have an answer for you Nirvana because I agree with you in that I would find it difficult. We could never drift apart even if we didn't like each other - I would just keep trying and pull her back in (so would she - we're stupid like that).

And there is no question of WAW or WAH - we just wouldn't have any legs to walk away with.0


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have no intention of being "friends" with my ex. She is no friend to anyone but herself. Pretty much a user and two-faced liar. 
I have finally successfully extracted thoughts of her from my mind to the point I don't think of her every day when I'm busy or with my gf now. I've had days that I am kind of actually surprised when I finally think of her. I rarely even use her name anymore when thinking of her.
I would never want to be friends with someone who continually causes me pain, and who betrayed me in such a bike way. I've heard of people who are. I'm just not able, in spite of the fact I'd like to at least not hate her since she's my kids' mother. But I haven't been successful so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In the case of my first XW, she's the one who cheated with "older than dirt" corporate VP to land a "Peter Principle" promotion that she failed to live up to! It was a nasty D, as she got custody of my boys solely to avoid paying child support.

She is largely bipolar and both of my boys eventually left her domicile in order to live with me!

The only common denominator is the boys as I've remained somewhat civil with her in communicating with her about them! Strange thing is neither of the boys wants her anywhere near their college graduation ceremonies, much less even wants to willingly go visit her in their own old homesite!

Now inasfar as my RSXW is concerned, I do not speak with her lying deceptive a$$ in the least! She has so aptly proven herself to be the "low of the low!" 

I absolutely wouldn't trust her in a craphouse with a muzzle on, 
as she's so aptly proven that she'd literally steal the nickels off of a dead man's eyelids! There's no trust there anymore! And never will be!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I was asked by my ex if we could remain friends after we separated. At the time I was very codependent and utterly messed up mentally, from the shock and confusion of my situation. I had enough brain cells to say, "I don't know" at the time. Glad I did, because once I moved out and far away, I could see clearly and knew that no friend of mine with my interests at heart would have hidden the truth from me for so long.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> I was asked by my ex if we could remain friends after we separated. At the time I was very codependent and utterly messed up mentally, from the shock and confusion of my situation. I had enough brain cells to say, "I don't know" at the time. Glad I did, because once I moved out and far away, I could see clearly and knew that no friend of mine with my interests at heart would have hidden the truth from me for so long.


*Heartfelt trust is a gift that lovers should bestow upon one another ~ deception is a wanton violation of that extended trust!

In essence, a cold, hard, uncaring slap in the face!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

I know a couple who are divorced but live in separate parts of their huge house with their significant others, their kids live nearby and they always have family gatherings together. I do think the situation is starting to wear on the girlfriend, I don't blame her.
My ex moved 3000 miles away, said he was at the point where he wanted to kill himself, lo and behold it hasn't worked out with the new girl like he wanted, and now he wants me to come out and visit him. Ain't gonna happen. And with no indication of maybe trying to work things out between us, just wants us to have a "friendly visit". It's amazing how little spouses can know about each other, and what they're capable of when things take a turn for the worse.
So it depends on who the two people involved want to make of it, nothing is set in stone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

IMO, people who talk about suchgreat friends with their ex whether ex married or unmarried partners, are just trying to prove themselves and the world that they are not so bad, after all, they were able to salvage the relationship.

The other possibility is that a lot of people like keeping tabs on others and creating drama. 

My exH suggested that we be friends. What for, so that he can come around and cherry pick my friends (as he did when we were married) so that I can wonder why I don't hear from them anymore.

I dropped all the friends who told me that they were still in touch with my ex. I finally realised that life is much easier when you don't put your self in positions that require trust from others. Now I dont have to worry what people my tell my ex; or whether he gets the right of first refusal to parties or other activities that mutual "friends" might be organising.

The same with the ex that I dated before I met my second husband. Despite the nasty break up that he and I had, he had nerve to come around 2 years later suggesting that we see each each other ..... but just as friends. Once again, I could see why he would ask that. 1) he is socially lazy and I provided him with a social life; 2) he liked staying in touch with my sister who loves to get into my business. I guess he figured out that if he wasn't seeing m then my sister had no use for him. Oh what a tangle web we weave.

These days, anyone who feels the need to reassure others that they are the best of friends with their ex is someone I want to avoid. I immediately see someone like that as one who needs drama and who are implicitly putting down others who can't do the same ie "Why can't you be friends with your, (you social misfit.)"

People who have children and can quietly say that they have a good "working" relationship with the other parent of the child is acceptable.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

some can some can't.

This is my thought. Look up the definition of friend - trustworthy, honest, loyal. I don't use the term friend loosely.

If there's an amicable divorce I can and have seen it.

With Infidelity involved it's usually civility which is not the same thing. 

I think a lot of waywards want the appearance of friendship to make themselves look better to perhaps justify their actions (see they are ok with it). Total bullsh!t.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It may work if the couple has kids together, and want to at least keep the peace in the family. One of my coworkers is very close with his ex wife, they travel with their kids together, despite both of them having long term relationships that they're in. I've always found that interesting.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No way....friendship takes trust and she ripped that card up when she cheated on me. We have been able to be ok co-parents but we have our moments. Unfortunately for her while we have 50/50 custody I still have more say in certain aspects of the kids lives which infuriates her I suppose. I was hoping at one point I would be done with her in my life as I can't really stand the sight of her but with my kids I know we will always be around one another. I am amazed we can co-parent at all. Took a lot of work to get to where we are for however long it lasts.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

my first wife and I went thru ups and downs after our divorce, sometimes we hated each other and other times we got along great. As our son got older and the fights over him lessened we started to get along great. She even did several cakes for my kids I've had since then and attended their birthday parties. No we are not close friends, but about 10 years after our divorce we did get to the point we get along just fine.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know a couple who split up yet are still friends.

They were friends before they got together so maybe that is a potential part of this?

Both have moved on to other relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for many decades. We met as teenagers and were friends for a couple of years before we got married. I hated him greatly during the year-long divorce process that he didn't want but returned to being friends once that was over. And I'm friends with his new wife as well (that wouldn't be the case if he had married his AP but he didn't). I consider both of them family. I was very surprised that was possible considering how I felt during the divorce. 

In retrospect, he and I should have just remained friends when we met so long ago and not gotten married but we were much too young to see that then. I'm now very happy and at peace with my life and I hope that's true for him as well. 

Yes, it can be done. And done well.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Most of the couples I have known who remained friends were those who had amicable divorces devoid of adultery. Those whose marriages ended due to infidelity rarely remained friends, and whenever they are in the same environs the tension is palpable. 

I do know one lady who buried the hatchet with her ex-husband after 10 years of acrimony after she divorced him for cheating on her. They couldn't stand each other for a decade, but at some point I guess he had an epiphany of sorts and came to her with a heartfelt apology for hurting her and trashing their marriage. From what I hear they are back to being civil, but they are not friends. They stay cordial for the sake of their kids.


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