# Should stepgrandchildren be treated same as grandchildren?



## hehasmyheart

What is everyone's opinion? My brother's wife gets upset if my mom takes her (biological) grandchildren out and spends money, and doesn't take her stepgrandchild. Do you have this issue, and how do you handle it so no feelings get hurt?

I personally think she should be treated the same, but I don't know if there should be boundaries to this or not. I just don't want her to feel left out since she's a young teen, so it's a rough age anyway.


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## anja

I was a step grand child from the time I was 4 years old. My step grand parents treated me exactly the same as all their bio grand kids, with me being the oldest and also the only girl. My bio grand parents always treated me preferential to any other grand children they had, all bio, older and younger than me. I preferred the step grand parents approach. Being the favorite felt wrong even as a child and I now have issues with my cousins and siblings and the rest of my bio folks for this. 
Being a step mother, my mother wants to treat my step child the same as her bio's and I'm not comfortable with it. The step child is taught by her mother to disregard my family as part of hers. She was the only grand child on her mothers side for 10 years and got plenty of special treatments there. She was also the favorite for a long time with my MIL (9 grand kids, 5 great grand kids) and got plenty of preferential treatment there. 
My mother is the only grandmother my children have a real relationship with and I am the one that does not want equal treatment. No this isn't to say its right or propper, but my step daughter would not even *want* anything to do with my mother. 
I don't think you can generalize these things. It's tricky and different to each family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
Edited to add: my mother treats all her bio grandchildren the same. No other steps. I never knew my other bio grand parents, only my mothers parents and my steps grand parents. My step daughter became my step daughter when she was 3 years old. (Now almost 13)


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## Bellavista

I will admit, it has always annoyed me that my MIL treats her husband's (#3) grandchildren better than her own grandchildren, our kids in particular.
She had next to nothing to do with our kids while they were little and now only sees them if we take them to her, yet the step grandkids are with her all of the time, even at work with her. I am sure she does this to please her husband.

Personally, I think they should be treated equally.


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## NextTimeAround

hehasmyheart said:


> What is everyone's opinion? My brother's wife gets upset if my mom takes her (biological) grandchildren out and spends money, and doesn't take her stepgrandchild. Do you have this issue, and how do you handle it so no feelings get hurt?
> 
> I personally think she should be treated the same, but I don't know if there should be boundaries to this or not. I just don't want her to feel left out since she's a young teen, so it's a rough age anyway.



How is the relationship between your mother and her DIL. Since it's only one step grandchild, it would seem to that your mother could extend some generosity and especially given the child's age.

Is your mother the type to stand on principle..... perhaps she feels that the child already has two sets of grandparents so why does she need another set? 

Also, are living arrangements such that your mother's generosity to the grandkids could be easily flaunted either to her DIL or to the stepgrandchild?


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## woundedwarrior

My parents did show more favoritism toward my siblings kids than my wife's daughter. It wasn't intentional, she just got left out of the loop. She was & still has always been considered their grand daughter & not a step one. She is alway counted as part of the number.
I've always considered her my daughter, I told her when she was 6 years old, the year we got married, that the only steps in this family are in our house & I still believe that.


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## Wiltshireman

In theory it would be great to treat all children (biological / adopted / fostered / step) equally but in some families that will just not work.

I feel sorry for my dad when it comes to Christmas / birthdays etc.

My sister and I are both married to our only partners and between us has 7 children none of our children yet have children of their own though one of her daughters is getting married next spring..

I have two younger brothers the youngest is twice married, twice divorced with two bio children from his first failed marriage and two step children from his second. 

The older of my brothers is three times married twice divorced (3rd time lucky perhaps) and has one estranged bio child from the first marriage two bio children and one step child from the second marriage and one step child + 2 step grandchildren from his third.

My father re- married after he and my mother divorced so I have 3 step brother who between them have had 5 marriages, 3 divorces, 6 bio children, 4 step children, 3 bio grandchildren and 1 step grandchild.

Thats a total of 7 children, 27 grandchildren (so far) and 6 great grandchildren (so far). 

How long does a step child have to remain part of the family to stay part of the family if the marriage / relationship fails.

Some people go through marriages so fast that you barley get to know their partners / step children before the relationship is over.


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## Wiltshireman

Thinking about it, its more complicated I know that a least one of my step brothers' ex wives has gone on to have children from a subsequent relationship so those children are half siblings to my father’s step grandchildren! Do they count? Confused.


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## MyrnaLoy

It gets complicated-- it is hard to make everything 'fair'-- especially if the step grand-kid is a lot older than the bio grand kids. So far my DH's family has been very careful to give my daughter ( their step-grand kid) equal treatment to my kids with their son. It's very nice and obviously makes family gatherings much easier since I trust they will treat my D well and I don't have to worry about favoritism. Of course my other kids are only 1, so there's a 6 year age gap. Also my H'a family all live states away, so we only see them on planned trips. 

I'm all for equal treatment. It just seems like the easiest way to avoid conflict. I do see how a grandparent that lives closer though might want to take her young grand kids out without bringing with a preteen that she doesn't feel close to. It's hard. Does she still get her birthday presents and such? Or does the step-grandma ignore the kid completely?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07

hehasmyheart said:


> What is everyone's opinion? My brother's wife gets upset if my mom takes her (biological) grandchildren out and spends money, and doesn't take her stepgrandchild. Do you have this issue, and how do you handle it so no feelings get hurt?
> 
> I personally think she should be treated the same, but I don't know if there should be boundaries to this or not. I just don't want her to feel left out since she's a young teen, so it's a rough age anyway.


Yes, they should all be treated equally, but sadly it doesn't always happen. 

I have a few extended family members that have been brought into the family(3 cousins have step children) and they are all treated as family. It doesn't matter if they are blood related or not. Family is family. If someone was being left out just because they weren't blood related, then I'd talk to who ever was doing that to ask to include them more. There is no reason to make boundaries or push them away just because they are not blood related.


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## TCSRedhead

Yes, they should be treated the same.

I was the step - the other kids got Christmas presents, I did not. Simple thing but to a kid, it really hurt my feelings.

These days, I don't keep contact with them. Why should I?


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## SugarMonstaa

Anonymous07 said:


> Yes, they should all be treated equally, but sadly it doesn't always happen.
> 
> I have a few extended family members that have been brought into the family(3 cousins have step children) and they are all treated as family. It doesn't matter if they are blood related or not. Family is family. If someone was being left out just because they weren't blood related, then I'd talk to who ever was doing that to ask to include them more. There is no reason to make boundaries or push them away just because they are not blood related.


That's how my husband's family is. I'm not invited to some things some of the time because I'm not blood related. For the most part I am invited and involved but then they want to do their own thing and have their "family" time...even though I am family...It's very clear on somethings they do.

Anyways, my mother treats her "step grand son" differently as in hugs and kisses but that's because it'd be weird I'm sure he'd feel weird if my mom gave him hugs and kisses since we don't see him all the time. But for Christmas my mom would buy him a gift too. When we do see him she buys them food and drinks. I think that if the child feels excluded and hurt it should be brought up upon.

My niece gets treated by her step-grandma like one of their own too.


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## Bobby5000

Hi, Jimmy, grandma and grandpa have a new toy car for you, and Elmo toy and some other things. Grandma and Grandpa love our our little Jimmy so much. Oh, there's Elmer, you're not' our real grandson, but have a good day. Here's a rubberband for you. 

My parents have done a great job in trying to treat everyone equally. Occasionally, there are inadvertent small differences, but everyone gets along well. Step children are sensitive. Only idiots treat children differently.


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## Miss Taken

I think they should be treated the same. 

I had an aunt that'd babysit my sister and I. She'd take us and her two boys to the store quite often and when she did, she'd buy treats (slushies, candy etc.) for her two sons and nothing for my sister or me. It hurt. 

I would never do that to my nephews or even my child's friends. I'm not made of money so if I'm out with my kids and their friends or cousins and I want to get something for one of my kids but can't get for all, I don't buy X and wait until another trip or I buy them all something smaller/cheaper for each one of them instead.


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## MyHappyPlace

I brought 3 boys into my marriage and we had a daughter together, but they are all OUR kids. I told his family from the get-go that all the children are to be treated equal. If they cannot treat the boys the same as our daughter, then they didn't need to be involved in any of their lives. And then I enforced it.

We went to Texas from Arizona to visit his family that he hadn't even spoken to in over 10 years before I reunited them all. I literally looked them up and contacted them because family is very important to me and at the time, I didn't know why he wasn't talking to them. Anyway, everything went fine except on our last day there. We were taking pictures right before our departure. My H's cousin was taking the pictures and in them were our children, my H, his mother, his grandmother and myself. Then I stepped out of the frame so that I could take some on my camera as well. His stupid cousin had the audacity to ask the boys to leave the picture but wanted our daughter to stay so she could get a pic of the "4 generations" without them. I was LIVID! Before anybody could even move I picked the baby off great-grandma's lap, gave her a hug and kiss, told her I had really enjoyed meeting her and loved her, gave my MIL a squeeze, and walked out of the house with all the kids. My H soon followed with the rest of our stuff and we drove away. We haven't spoken to her since. 

When my H agreed to being called "daddy" by our children, that was it, there was no "step" about it. The boys have even asked to have their last names legally changed to his as well.


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## Starstarfish

Do these kids all then go back to live in the same house, OP? As that's setting up a really, really uncomfortable dynamic there between the siblings.


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## SteppingStones

i think it depends on a lot of factors. How old is the stepgrandchild? How old was the kid when he/she became a stepgrandchild? What are the family dynamics? etc.

In my situatuation, I have a stepson who is 11. He was 6 when he became my stepson and at the that time became the ONLY grandchild (step or otherwise) on my side of the family. My parent's treat him like he's my own flesh and blood. Just as I treat him that way. Yes, his biomom is still in the picture but she doesn't cause problems for us. 

My husband and I are now expecting our first child together....I am interested to see if that will change things.


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## SugarMonstaa

Bobby5000 said:


> Hi, Jimmy, grandma and grandpa have a new toy car for you, and Elmo toy and some other things. Grandma and Grandpa love our our little Jimmy so much. Oh, there's Elmer, you're not' our real grandson, but have a good day. Here's a rubberband for you.
> 
> My parents have done a great job in trying to treat everyone equally. Occasionally, there are inadvertent small differences, but everyone gets along well. Step children are sensitive. Only idiots treat children differently.


lol, "here's a rubber band for you"


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## Leveret

We're running into isues like this at my home. My FIL dotes upon M, my daughter. My BIL and his wretched GF have 1 son, 3 months old and she has a daughter who is turning 3 next month.

I've heard her say that EVERYONE will treat her daughter the same as M or her son or else, but that's not really for her to decide. My FIL favors M strongly, it comes across openly and he feels it makes sense, (I think my BIL and his GF are getting married soon... so her daughter is almost a step grand child now). 

It really started at Christmas last year. My FIL got M a wonderful wood kitchen set for Christmas and nothing for her daughter. She was mad about it, feeling it was unfair and was also mad he didn't spend the same amount of money on their unborn child for that Christmas either.

I'm not trying to takeover the thread by anymeans, all I want to convey is it's tricky in these situations. Everyone feels differently on the matter and I'm not sure if either party is 'right' or 'wrong'.

Personally, I feel that all children should be treated with care and respect and love. Feelings should be taken into account and the family should make an effort to not making the step children feel ostracized. That being said, the step-children are not biologically related to the family and there can and will be divide by at least some members.

I know some grandparents think it's wrong to their own grandchildren to dote upon ones that aren't their bio family as much as their bio grandchildren because this too can cause strife and hard feelings. Most likely unless the family is VERY close and very understanding, either the step children are going to feel hurt for being dis-included or under-included, or the bio children will feel resentment that these other children are getting the same love and attention from 'THEIR' family. 

I think I'd have a hard time telling you how I would react if/when my own daughter has step children some day. I think a lot of it is circumstantial; how the children act, how long they've been part of the family, how well the marriage is doing, how much of a ***** the SO is... Ya know. It's not straight forward.


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## Bobby5000

It's unnecessarily cruel to favor one grandchild over another. Perhaps it would be nice for one of the step-grandchildren to say the other grandmother is prettier and I like her better.


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## TikiKeen

Treat them the same. My H will not put his foot down regarding my MIL not buying gifts for my kids, while his d gets a ton of stuff. Granted, my MIL has also gossiped about me, been cruel to her step grandkids and they would return any gifts she got, but the right thing to do is to treat them equally.

It's not a popularity contest; it's about being caring.


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