# My W and I have different perspectives of "the problem".....



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Interesting, our quarrel tonight, it showed me something.

Our relationship difficulty comes from our definition of "the problem"......

My wife wants to move back near her family-of-origin. Her definition of "the problem" is that she doesn't want to "lose" a house she found located where she wants to be.

My definition of "the problem" is that I am damned near 68 years old, with CHF, CAD, PAD, diabetes. Only 15 months ago was I released from my wheelchair and given permission to return to work. Because I am 67 years old, it took me nearly 8 months to find a job. I was out of work for 1-1/2 years, in and out of rehab, etc.

She hasn't worked in 4 years. She went out on social security disability.

We are having extreme difficulty qualifying for a mortgage. One of the reasons for this is my short term of employment at new employer, not being 2 years. We cannot claim my income, other than social security. 

Her definition of "the problem" is that we are finding it hard to qualify for a mortgage.

My definition of "the problem" is that we need a mortgage. We own two houses free-and-clear. One of them, we live in. One of them is rented.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I thought you filed. Did I miss something?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife is all about what _she_ wants. You only exist (to her) in order to see that she gets what she wants. But you know that already, right?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't understand what the problem is. Do you not want to move? Is her dream home more expensive than the one you would be selling? Does she want to keep both homes and you can't afford another mortgage?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Show her the door and ask her what's stopping her.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She doesn't want to keep one of the homes. She wants to keep the rental property, because it brings us a small net of income. And, I don't care if we move, I don't care if we stay. I'm perfectly comfortable here. The problem is that I don't want to have this mortgage. I am too old and my health is too poor to take this on. We are only going to wind up selling the rental property to stay in the new house. And, I am ok with that, too.

And, yes, the "dream house" (which is a 2 bedroom condo  ) is more expensive than the modular home on leased land we would be selling.



Openminded said:


> You only exist (to her) in order to see that she gets what she wants.


I'm afraid you're quite correct. She demonstrates this in most every interaction.

But, I found a "key". When it comes to finances, she thinks it's "fine" if all the bills are paid - in the current half of the month. Her mind is organized paycheck-to-paycheck, like she's always lived.

I try to look at the more long-term aspects of it. I HATE paycheck-to-paycheck life. I want to have savings, reserves, investments. I'm too old and no longer able to do much about the long-term picture.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Let me be blunt...
Not, that 'any' here have ever been less than that!

She knows you are ill, that your time with the rest of us is (likely) nearing its end.

She wants to be settled in, near her FOO, foo spot.

She wants 'that' to be her last move.

Assuming, of course, that she still has friends and relatives 'there'?

At minimum, she wants to end 'her' years there and be buried there.

Why? The place must have good memories for her.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Not to be nosy, but is she your 3rd wife?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Yes, she is my 3rd wife.

And, yes she has friends and relatives there. She could quite easily be 'there' if she wasn't so adamant about having the rental property, too.

And, yes, the place we're in currently has bad memories, the death of our daughter, the alienation of our granddaughter. SIL hated his MIL.
The feelings were mutual, but now he is in control. When our daughter was still alive, she preserved the relationship to her mother. "There" is her childhood home.

I can understand why she wants it this way. She gets me to partially slay the mortgage dragon for her while I can still work.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@TJW

So to summarize, you own two homes "free and clear"--the one you live in now, and the one you rent. She wants to move to a new home near her FOO, but that means you'd have to get a mortgage. 

Soooo...why don't you put the home you are living in now, with the bad memories and whatnot, on the market and sell it? a) You'd be away from the bad memories. b) You could take the profits of the sale and buy a home near FOO outright. By doing this you'd kill two birds with one stone: you'd get away from the pain of the house you're in, and you wouldn't need a mortgage. 

Now, I suspect she'll say something like "I don't want to lose the ____ house." But that is just impulsiveness. In this time in your lives, it is reasonable to NOT have a mortgage nor to feel like you're tied to having to work even into retirement. So in a way you'd be doing what she wants, but just not "as fast" as she wants. It is wise--being by family is not a bad thing. BUT you'd be moving there in a debt-free state. 

It would mean that if she truly wants this, she would have to help with getting the current house "in shape" to sell. It would mean she'll have to keep it up and show it. And it would mean she is more secure when you two DO move.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Selling the modular home we live in is part of the plan. Unfortunately, that won't yield enough proceeds to pay for the new condo, that's why the mortgage.



Affaircare said:


> So in a way you'd be doing what she wants, but just not "as fast" as she wants.


 -

I am perfectly ok with this method. However, that brings up another "difference in perspective"... she is a driven, type-A perfectionist for whom everything must be started and finished completely in 5 minutes. The stress of the interim between start and finish is, for her, agonizing.

Using debt allows people who are thusly temperamented to be "finished"..... because once she moves, she is "finished".... however, I'm the one who will have to slog it out for the next few years of my life.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, it sounds unreasonable then. If you are 68 with serious health issues, taking out a new mortgage right now doesn't seem reasonable, unless SHE is going to get a job to help pay the new mortgage.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And what happens if you can’t continue to work the next few years?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Then, we will most likely be forced to sell the rental property.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TJW said:


> ..... because once she moves, she is "finished".... however, I'm the one who will have to slog it out for the next few years of my life.


So why not just stay where you are and tell her to STFU? If you choose to "slog it out" for the remainder of your life, then that's YOUR choice; not hers.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sorry I didn't realize your current dwelling holds bad memories. Since that's the case, a change would probably do you good. However, it shouldn't have to be a financial burden for you.

Just a suggestion, but do you think you'd be better off alone and single? It could alleviate your stress. Just sayin' ….


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> do you think you'd be better off alone and single? It could alleviate your stress.


You're kidding, right ?

I don't have the nickname "black widower" for nothing..... all my wives get sick, quit work, and die. I am cursed with "beta", like my GF said, "......you're not the kind of man women go after...."

My current one hasn't worked in 4 years. At least, she receives SS disability. The other two wives brought in AFZ....bupkis..... like my lawyer told me "....you can't get rid of someone like her....".

It's cheaper and less stress to just stay ..... third case.....


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Sorry I didn't realize your current dwelling holds bad memories.


It holds bad memories for her, but .....

I am fully aware that a house holds nothing in terms of memory. It only serves to keep you warm, cool, and dry, and a place to hang your clothes, sleep, and shower.

The dwelling of my memories goes with me atop the rest of my body. When I move, so does it.

But, alas, this is another "difference of perspective". Her perspective is based upon emotion, mine upon science.

My mother reacted in the same way when my brother died at 4 years. I was 7. I remember thinking how absolutely strange it was that she wanted to leave a really good house in order to live in a mobile home parked at my grandmother's. 

I didn't understand it then, and 6 decades later, I still don't.....


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> It's cheaper and less stress to just stay ..... third case.....


Tell that to your ulcers.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> I didn't understand it then, and 6 decades later, I still don't.....


Fewer triggers.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

And, I think, a "substitution". She had a very close relationship to our daughter. We moved here because it was close.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why don't you tell her that the sooner you sell the rental and your home, the sooner she can be in her hometown. Being an absent landlord presents its own problems and expenses.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Can you work at the same job from where she wants to live or do you have to find another one?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you have children together or are you referring to her children?


----------



## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

TJW said:


> Our relationship difficulty comes from our definition of "the problem"......


I see your "problem" as bad or no communication most likely put there by loosing whatever love and friendship you had at the beginning. And now that the respect, love and FRIENDSHIP is all but dead, all you have left is endless disagreements and power-struggles. I'd see a marriage counselor to help you both become friends again and learn to communicate better. good luck


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I can keep my same job.
We have no children together, but hers are considered mine, and mine considered hers. Interestingly, no children live close to where she wants to move. In our blended family, there were 5 children, 3 sons, 2 daughters. Remaining alive are 1 son (an hour away from dream house) and one daughter 2000 miles away. The only support system for her near there are childhood friends, one sister, and her mother. She is moving farther away from her brother, but he is a supportee to her. The stress-relief comes from getting away from him. So is her mother. Her mother is 85 and lives in a nursing home. Her sister puts huge pressure on her to come there frequently, so I can see there might be stress-relief there in the move.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

jimmyrich said:


> all you have left is endless disagreements and power-struggles. I'd see a marriage counselor to help you both.


The endless disagreements come from ingrained temperamental traits. She wants ME to see an INDIVIDUAL counselor, because she "doesn't have a problem".


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How long have you been married to her?


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Openminded said:


> How long have you been married to her?


Too long, by the sound of it... I think it's time for wife n.4...


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Too long, by the sound of it... I think it's time for wife n.4...


I agree. But, unfortunately, I believe he’ll stay. That’s his pattern.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> In our blended family, there were 5 children, 3 sons, 2 daughters. Remaining alive are 1 son (an hour away from dream house) and one daughter 2000 miles away.


Oh, my. You have lost 3 children. That is so heartbreaking. And, unusual given your age.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Last night, I folded and put away laundry. W informs me "you hung my pajama top in the closet, and put my blouse in the drawer.....this shows me that you don't notice what I wear...you are so in to your work, that's the only thing you care about..."

My perspective is that I made a silly and stupid mistake.... I don't understand how it becomes all this in her mind.....



Openminded said:


> I agree. But, unfortunately, I believe he’ll stay. That’s his pattern.


You are quite correct. I wouldn't have a divorce over a difference of perspective.

And, BTW, household tasks are only done perfectly by her. If I do them, there are flaws 

Another interesting subject..... she staunchly argues with me that turning the thermostat up higher makes the house heat up faster. I gave up on that one......after all, I am only an electrical engineer whose career began 50 years ago. I couldn't possibly be telling her what is correct.......


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TJW said:


> Last night, I folded and put away laundry. W informs me "you hung my pajama top in the closet, and put my blouse in the drawer.....this shows me that you don't notice what I wear...you are so in to your work, that's the only thing you care about..."
> 
> My perspective is that I made a silly and stupid mistake.... I don't understand how it becomes all this in her mind.....
> 
> ...


Your life with her sounds fun. Not. I know everyone has irritating parts of their personality but I've read your posts for awhile, and your wife does not sound like a nice person, nor does this relationship sound like it enhances your life. Quite the opposite.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Your life with her sounds fun. Not. I know everyone has irritating parts of their personality but I've read your posts for awhile, and your wife does not sound like a nice person, nor does this relationship sound like it enhances your life. Quite the opposite.


She can't be that bad, otherwise he wouldn't have married her...


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> She can't be that bad, otherwise he wouldn't have married her...


Maybe she wasn't that bad when he married her.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Maybe she wasn't that bad when he married her.


Being the 3rd wife, you would have thought he would have learned... and I think I'm bad...  Sorry, TJW, it's not a dig at you... just thinking out loud...


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> Being the 3rd wife, you would have thought he would have learned...


I have learned that what my GF who I didn't marry said was correct, that I'm "...not the kind of man women go for...". My station in life is to be a "plan B provider guy".



Nucking Futs said:


> Maybe she wasn't that bad when he married her.


None of them were. They were auditioning. I fell for it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I guess the solution will continue to be drugs in order to cope with her. She’s what used to be called a scold. I would use a different term. At this point it’s a countdown as to who outlives whom. If it’s you, I hope you break your pattern and enjoy the rest of your life in peace.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TJW said:


> Another interesting subject..... she staunchly argues with me that turning the thermostat up higher makes the house heat up faster. I gave up on that one......after all, I am only an electrical engineer whose career began 50 years ago. I couldn't possibly be telling her what is correct.......


Does your wife have experience with driving a 4 cylinder car and a 6 cylinder car? If so, she will understand that stomping on the gas in the 4 cylinder does not make it perform like a 6 cylinder. It can only perform within the parameters of its capabilities. The same with a heating system. Heating systems are installed per the typical demands of the square footage of the home. They can only provide so much output. Setting the thermostat higher just means that the unit will run longer to reach that temperature. 

Maybe you can get a programmable one so that if she wants the house a certain degree upon rising from bed; you can program it to come on at a certain hour. 

If that fails, tell her that 'google' is her friend.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At this point you know that nothing you do is likely to ever be good enough for her. That’s the price you pay for staying so my suggestion is to make the best of what remains of your life. Focus on you and not on her.


----------



## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

Mr. Practical here...a condo will have Home Owner Association fees and they can be significant if you’re living paycheck to paycheck. Be sure and check. Frankly, I wouldn’t move. You’ll only trade one set of aggravations for another.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> You're kidding, right ?
> 
> I don't have the nickname "*black widower*" for nothing..... all my wives get sick, quit work, and die. I am cursed with "beta", like my GF said, "......you're not the kind of man women go after...."
> 
> ...


Wow, what an insight, my friend.
_You draw near that which is harmful._

That sickness, it lurks all about, taking out others first, leaving you for last?
With you painfully spared for the blasted witnessing.

................................................
On staying, on moving...

You are looking at this like an accountant, an engineer.
What works for you, works not for a flesh and blood emoticon, she.

Sell, both the house and the rental. Make at least one of you happy and both of you financially secure in that condo.
When you pass, she gets the condo, her SS disability and your SS survival benefits and any surviving pensions.

On the new condo or townhouse, leave her no mortgage, and little debt.
Not that she deserves this, know that your good name does so, deserve this.

It is said that, "_Charity begins at home_", make this your last and greatest gift.
....................................................................................

I like it, I do!

*AFZ...absolutely friggin zilch.
**Bupkis...absolutely nuttin'.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to just be done. She seems to bring you nothing but unhappiness. Let her move. Without you. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

TJW said:


> Last night, I folded and put away laundry. W informs me "you hung my pajama top in the closet, and put my blouse in the drawer.....this shows me that you don't notice what I wear...you are so in to your work, that's the only thing you care about..."
> 
> My perspective is that I made a silly and stupid mistake.... I don't understand how it becomes all this in her mind.....


Simply tell her that since she is infallible and has all the answers, she can now fold and put away all the laundry.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So, tell her she has two options to choose from:

1: Sell both houses and you'll happily move back to where she wants to be or;

2: Stay where you are.

Notice that taking on ANOTHER mortgage is not an option?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Your wife needs to manage her expectations.

Too damned bad if she wants a fancy new condo. I want to own my own Caribbean island, doesn't mean I'm going to get my way.

If she insists on being greedy and refuses to look at more modestly priced homes that are within your budget, then I wouldn't budge. Too bad if she doesn't like it. Really. It's just too damned bad.


----------

