# Loves me but the feeling is gone.



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

17 years married. Back in February the bomb was dropped. Some here may remember my story, a common one I now understand. After noticing her being disengaged from the marriage, I confronted her, last November. It blew up. Come February she told me she wanted a divorce. I fought for our marriage and we went to a MC for about a month. He was not good and was only stirring the pot. I suggested we follow Mort Fertels book, she agreed. Hesitant but agreed. She never fully got on board with it. We agreed to talk every Wednesday and read from the book. It seemed to be working little by little. We went on a couple of vacations together, spent much time doing things, it was slow and steady.

Eight months later, seemed to me we have been moving in the right direction. I even posted the success we were showing. Last night on our Wednesday night meeting, I asked how she felt and she claimed she is not sure. Does not have the same feelings for me anymore. At one point says she loves me and cares for me, but not in the loving way she used to.

I have done my due dilligence to see if there another guy and I strongly believe there is not. 

My question to others is, what are the chances she can get the feeling again? I have worked hard to make our time together pleasant and stress free, but she continues to dwell on the past and is not as interested in loving actions that can spark loving feelings. What can I do to help her/us? 

I realize that if this does change that our days may be numbered. It is truly sad to be in love with someone who does not want to choose love.

I appreciate any feedback and advice.


----------



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

This is me,

I can't offer a whole lot of advice here as it seems you have tried to do the right things.

What I can offer is this,

I went through all of this myself and was not seeing the results I had hoped for. It came down to a few hard choices for me.

1) Accept it as it was and live an unhappy marriage.

2) Leave the marriage.

3) Keep pushing forward (always taking the high road) untill she changed her view and herself, or she got so sick of my pushing for a better marriage that she walked out.

Although not for everyone, I chose #3. It was a hard road to walk, and it has been nearly three years sinse an EA and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line. It took a huge amount of persistance, patience, and perserverance on my part. But in the end, it was worth the misery. We have come full circle. We now have a better marriage than at any time during our 30 years togather. I still love her (although there were many times I questioned this) and she now loves, appriciates, and values me again. (the high road)

It took you 17 years to get where you are, unlikely it will fully return in a year or two. But it can be done. 

warmly,

RDJ


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

RDJ, Thank you for the sharing with me. It gives me hope to hear your story. I understand even if over time she returns to the one I married or at least a loving wife again, it will be a roller coaster getting there. I only hope at this point that we are just heading down a bit before it comes up again.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

This is me said:


> 17 years married. Back in February the bomb was dropped. Some here may remember my story, a common one I now understand. After noticing her being disengaged from the marriage, I confronted her, last November. It blew up. Come February she told me she wanted a divorce. I fought for our marriage and we went to a MC for about a month. He was not good and was only stirring the pot. I suggested we follow Mort Fertels book, she agreed. Hesitant but agreed. She never fully got on board with it. We agreed to talk every Wednesday and read from the book. It seemed to be working little by little. We went on a couple of vacations together, spent much time doing things, it was slow and steady.
> 
> Eight months later, seemed to me we have been moving in the right direction. I even posted the success we were showing. Last night on our Wednesday night meeting, I asked how she felt and she claimed she is not sure. Does not have the same feelings for me anymore. At one point says she loves me and cares for me, but not in the loving way she used to.
> 
> ...


Same boat apart from the "I want a divorce" 17 years is when my wife started also with the ILYBNSIILWYAA (anymore always)

Mine doesn't want a divorce but our sex life crashed (2x in 2011 so far)

I wrote her a letter essentially saying all the old conversations were the same.... I tried talking, actions and laying off for extended periods etc. and it was time for something different.

I told her we meed to find out if this marriage will get closer or further apart... so I instituted a monthly discussion about what went right and not so right the previous month along with future plans and dreams. I told her I had an unspecified decision point in our future and I hoped it would go better than at year 2. I told her there will be change one way or the other. Only way the talks stop is when we both report...happy or we divorce. It's in her lap each month.

So far so good... she's a lot nicer.

In your case... i would give it more time, why don't you completely back off for six months to give her breahing room. Be a model husband and do anything she has mentioned in the past. Be nice and fun.

Certainly try for relations throughout but don't ask just try. If it doesn'r work out tell her you love her and walk away as if no big deal.

Keep in mind if she really wanted a divorce she'd be gone already... if she's there she doesnt it's just big talk to try to control you. Call her bluff in six months.

If after six months doesn't work then maybe do something along the lines I just did. It'll be more effective with time passage and your behaviors in place. If she chooses divorce so be it at that point at least you tried. I think with breathing room and model behaviors she might change her toon and not want to lose you. 

Our wives are broken, only they can fix themselves. Give them space and show them the new you.

It obviously takes a lot of time and patience... if you love her give her plenty of time.

I fully expect mine to come around by year three of this.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Mine doesn't want a divorce but our sex life crashed (2x in 2011 so far)
> 
> Our wives are broken, only they can fix themselves. Give them space and show them the new you.
> 
> ...


Thank you T2FIO, The thing is she has helped me with my needs, but it isn't the same as doing it with someone who loves you. Its more like I am getting the physical part without the heart and soul behind it. This is my Beta need desiring all of her.

I am in it for the long haul and will back off if I have to, just a shame the broken ones do not fix easily.


----------

