# Marriage Councelling



## atbab (Aug 22, 2011)

My wife and I have agreed to go to marriage councelling. The first appointment had to be postponed as my wife ended up having to travel.

In the meantime I bought 2 books to read, namely Passionate Marriage and the Sex Starved Marriage. Both of which are really good as they were eye openning. On suggesting them to my wife she read the first chapter of Passionate Marriage and has said our problems are not about sex. I tried explaining the books were not just about sex but about intimacy and being comfortable with ourselves. But she said the couple in the chapter one were in love and were looking for sex therapy not marriage therapy. I think I have convinced my wife to continue reading but have a question I am trying to understand.

Does a marriage not fail because of sex, whether infidelty, general lack of, inability to be intimate (both sexually and emotionally) etc? That was why I was going to go to marriage councelling. Have I got this wrong and there are other reasons?


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

My husband and I are also in therapy. Sex, or lack of, is our main problem, but not our only problem.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

There are many reasons why a marriage can fail. Sexual intimacy is only one need within a marriage and it may not be the most important need for both people. So, while it may be the most important need for you, it may not be for your wife.

Here's a sampling of many different emotional needs: How to Meet Emotional Needs

You may also be interested in the following books instead, which would explore what the needs are for both of you (and which hopefully would come out of your marriage counseling sessions):

Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800719388): Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary Chapman: Books

Best wishes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

atbab said:


> My wife and I have agreed to go to marriage councelling. The first appointment had to be postponed as my wife ended up having to travel.
> 
> In the meantime I bought 2 books to read, namely Passionate Marriage and the Sex Starved Marriage. Both of which are really good as they were eye openning. On suggesting them to my wife she read the first chapter of Passionate Marriage and has said our problems are not about sex. I tried explaining the books were not just about sex but about intimacy and being comfortable with ourselves. But she said the couple in the chapter one were in love and were looking for sex therapy not marriage therapy. I think I have convinced my wife to continue reading but have a question I am trying to understand.
> 
> Does a marriage not fail because of sex, whether infidelty, general lack of, inability to be intimate (both sexually and emotionally) etc? That was why I was going to go to marriage councelling. Have I got this wrong and there are other reasons?


It is often said that women need a connection to have sex. Men have sex to connect.

So you can both be right here. She sees the problems as beyond sex. You see sex as the issue becuase yhat is how you achieve intimacy with her. It is part of the same circle. usually people just look at things from their own view. 

For me, sex is not just sex.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> There are many reasons why a marriage can fail. Sexual intimacy is only one need within a marriage and it may not be the most important need for both people. So, while it may be the most important need for you, it may not be for your wife.
> 
> Here's a sampling of many different emotional needs: How to Meet Emotional Needs
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

The best marital therapy research strongly suggests that most sex issues often "spontaneously resolve" when deep emotional re-connection takes place in a marriage. 

When couples really learn how to emotionally soothe each other and "bond" through deep emotional intimacy, they start to have sex again like they did in the first years of their marriage. This often happens without talking about sex in any direct or intensive way. 

If there was a problem all along re: marital sex, related for example, to childhood trauma or abuse, then seeing a clinical sexologist or certified sex therapist can be very helpful. 

Sound's to me like your wife is looking for that deep emotional intimacy. I'd focus on really learning how to communicate at that level with her to start. 

Put great sex on the back-burner priority-wise for now, and it will likely grow out of emotional intimacy quite naturally. The stronger the emotional intimacy, the better the sex.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

My wife many times in the past has wanted to do this and I have not been so willing. 

Truth be told, for 5/7 years of our marraige the slow destruction of sex has always been the problem. My wife will admit to anyone I spoil her rotten. So rotten that she's only changed our 2nd daughters diaper 10 times this year (yeah that spoiled), she only cooks four times a month. She plenty of times told me that I do everything in the marraige and she's only needed for sex (which is true). Because in the beginning she was overwhelming with "the wife duties". So I took all those duties away from her, yet she found "new stress" to use as an excuse as to why she's not in the mood.

I'm a small business owner (yeah in this economy) I've got 100 times more stress than her, but I've never lost my sex Grand Prix (most people have a sex "drive" meaning short and runs out. I have so much of a sex "drive" that it's the length of a Grand Prix race). Men are different from women I understand, but with my business, life, our two girls and how I'm taking care of "home" literally, what gives?

Matter of fact I couldn't understand why she was so crazy to get "Marriage counseling" when our marraige only has sex problems. But when I bought up a "sex therapist" she outright refuses. 

We're on opposite ends about this subject. 


What's it like? Do they try to have you "open up" and tell everything.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Elliott said:


> My wife many times in the past has wanted to do this and I have not been so willing.
> 
> Truth be told, for 5/7 years of our marraige the slow destruction of sex has always been the problem. My wife will admit to anyone I spoil her rotten. So rotten that she's only changed our 2nd daughters diaper 10 times this year (yeah that spoiled), she only cooks four times a month. She plenty of times told me that I do everything in the marraige and she's only needed for sex (which is true). Because in the beginning she was overwhelming with "the wife duties". So I took all those duties away from her, yet she found "new stress" to use as an excuse as to why she's not in the mood.
> 
> ...


You may find that you THOUGHT you were meeting all of her needs in the marriage, but that you really weren't. She might find out likewise about herself regarding your needs.

By requesting MC, she was stating that she felt your marriage was important and wanted to work on the issues. By poo-pooing it, you may have given her the impression that your marriage was not that important, or that you didn't feel her issues were important enough to do anything about.

You might want to discuss it with her again and be more open about what the both of you can do to improve your marriage.

Best wishes.


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