# Heartbroken, Confused, And Feeling Like A Fool



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Sorry, this is a long post. Please bear with me- I've never done this before and could really use some help.

We have been married for nine years and together for fifteen. I have suffered from depression (on and off lifelong) which has effected my life and his considerably. Although we had always been close and affectionate, over time our sex life had all but disappeared. We rarely socialized and things admittedly became mundane. Yet, I felt we still had a bond that could weather anything, even this. Then last spring, he lost his job. He became depressed and even after finding another job, never seemed to shake it. I should have seen it coming, but seemingly out of the blue last fall he told me that he wasn't in love with me anymore. He felt that he was living for two people. He quit his job and moved to my mother's hometown, which he always loved, because he "felt alive" there. He said he needed time to "figure things out" and "not to give up on us". 

I stuck it out in our town for several months before I realized I couldn't make it financially or emotionally on my own. I believed my only recourse was to cut my losses in our town and move closer to family- the same town he now lived. During our separation, there was hardly any contact. Over this time, I slowly discover he had a girlfriend and he had been living with her since he left me. With her he has gone skydiving, traveling, etc. All things he never did or wanted to do with me. When I moved in with my mother, I did not contact him. I was too shocked and heartbroken. I was sure we were over. Then I get a desperate call from him one night. He must see me. He's been thinking of me. He thinks he might want to be with me again. 

Then, nothing. It seemed he wasn't so sure anymore. This goes on for awhile- back and forth. It seemed that every time he would get in a fight with his girlfriend or she would "break it off", he would call me to comfort him or reassure him. All the while he would tell me that he is confused and not sure of what he wants. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me in his life. When I ask him about where we stand, he gets upset and won't commit to an answer. Only that he is doesn't know. Why do I put up with it? Because I am still deeply in love with him and don't want our marriage to end. And he knows it. 

I finally manage to get an apartment set up on my own. Before I can move in officially, my husband tells me that he can no longer live with his girlfriend and has no place to go. So, what do I do? I offer for him to stay in my empty apartment until he can get back on his feet. One night before I officially move in, I get a text from his girlfriend telling me to go to the apartment- he needs me. I rush over and there he is in the bathtub, blood everywhere. He cut himself purposefully on the arm. I call 911 and get him to the hospital where I sit with him all night. 

Over the next couple of months, this happens again and again. Each time, I am there for him. Each time, I comfort him and support him. I discover that each attempt on his life was a result of his girlfriend breaking up with him. Knowing this is heartbreaking, but how can I abandon him when he is in such a low place and taking such desperate action? Finally, after two months of living in the same apartment and having to witness his tumultuous affair with this women, he found a friend who would rent him a room cheap. 

He tells me he still loves me and cares for me and is not sure what he wants. He admitted that he thinks his new relationship might be serious, yet he is still uncommitted to divorce. I don't want to give up on our marriage if there is a chance to save it, but I don't know how much more of this limbo I can take. I love my husband deeply and I am confused by his conflicting words and actions. I get that he has been depressed and going through a difficult time, but I feel as if he is just keeps me hanging on because I am familiar and comfortable. 

Meanwhile, I am in this new town where the only people I know are my family- even though they try, are not very helpful. I have no friends, no interests, no life of my own. I left a good job that I mostly enjoyed in my old town and now work for minimum wage at a job usually reserved for teenagers. I feel as if everything has fallen apart and I don't see much of a future for myself. It is all so bleak. I am in constant turmoil. If I haven't been able to handle my depression thus far despite therapy, exercise, and medication, how can I go on with even less than I had before? 

I am constantly tortured with thoughts of "them" together and even see them out holding hands in public (small town). I have been attempting to be strong. I have tried to keep myself busy and make positive steps focusing on what I need, but it gets harder and harder to do when I don't see any results and I am limited with what I can do. I recognize that I have a dependent personality and suffer from social anxiety. I am heartbroken, confused, and I feel like the biggest fool. I'm stuck and not sure how to change my outlook for the better. I feel like a loser and that there is no hope for me. I am a mess.

I am sending this out in desperation. Any words of wisdom or comfort will be appreciated. I am hanging by a thread and I don't know how much longer it will last.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

File for divorce.

You are "Plan B".

No one deserves that.

So, you are either "Plan A" or the ballgame is over.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I recognize that I have a dependent personality and suffer from social anxiety. I am heartbroken, confused, and I feel like the biggest fool. I'm stuck and not sure how to change my outlook for the better. I feel like a loser and that there is no hope for me. I am a mess.


You are codependent and may suffer from some level of an Adult Separation Anxiety Disorder.

I'll give you 3 things to do. All are very simple considering the kind of pain you're in. If you're wondering why these 3 things will work, my answer is, BECAUSE THEY DO. I was in your shoes less than 3 weeks ago. Now I'm a lot better, stronger and more receptive to the final outcome of my marriage (most likely divorce).

1. Establish a very strict No-Contact policy with him. Go completely dark. No contact means no contact. No excuses. All calls, texts, emails are to be stopped for the time being. All contact initiated by him should be ignored. You are to make no attempt to contact him.


2. Keep posting about your feelings, thoughts, anger, depression and pain under this thread. This has a massive therapeutic effect and will serve you well in the future when you want to look back on your journey and reinforce some of your progress.

3. Exercise with the sole purpose of sweating as much as you can. Trust me, no one hates exercising more than I do, but it works. 


Do this for 2 weeks and see how different you will feel. The most important part is maintaining absolutely no contact. It's hard, but vital to your progress.

Filing for divorce is definitely something you should do, but I understand you're not mentally ready to do such a thing. The 3 things above will get you mentally ready for every possible outcome. 

You're not alone.


----------



## BronteVillette (Jun 16, 2012)

Conrad- Thank you for replying. I think I know this logically, but my heart won't accept it. I'm not even sure I'm Plan B, just a familiar foothold while he makes all these new and drastic changes in his life. I wish I felt stronger to just admit to myself that I am no longer important to him. It's just so crushing to my already damaged self-esteem to be rejected by the one person who knows me best and who I stupidly built my whole world around. I appreciate your candid advice and will try to let it sink in.

Synthetic- You are right on with the codependency. I had never considered ASAD- or even heard of it before. I can identify with some of the symptoms. Thank you for your kind words. I am going to try the 3 things you listed. Everything feels like a tremendous effort nowadays, but I think I can manage this plan. I want to feel like I am working towards some goal and I hope that this will give me the discipline and direction I need. 

No contact will be difficult. I find that I crave even the tiniest bit of attention from him, any sign that I still exist for him. Perhaps I get a slight euphoria if he shows kindness my way, but it always ends in disappointment and more heartbreak.

Thanks to both of you, again.


----------



## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey BronteVillage,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing and know you'll feel better in time! The 3-step plan Synthetic advised sounds excellent.

Both moving and divorce suck and are always named as two of the most stressful life experiences. I also empathize with you regarding making it financially on your own. I'm 3 months into a legal separation (we filed for divorce in March, ex wanted divorce, I didn't), I have a bachelor's degree and six years post-college work experience, but I still struggle to make ends meet on my own (despite holding 3 part-time jobs). For this reason, I am re-locating next week to a large urban city a few states away where my family resides. I will not be living with them, but decided to move to that city to have some emotional support during this traumatic time and live in a larger city with more job opportunities.


----------

