# drunken meaningless ONS - can i keep it a secret forever?



## sorry1 (Dec 14, 2012)

Hello, 

I'm a sad, sorrowful newbie, so please go gentle. I dont think i've seen any other threads like this (apologies if there are).

Please don't judge/abuse me, i know many of you on here have been hurt and i can only sit here crying with the utter disbelief that i'm in the group of those doing the hurting. trust me, my own thoughts are harsher than anything else i can hear. Please excuse me if i sound cold - i'm trying to just give the facts.

My husband and i have been together 7.5 years, married 1.5, met when I was 19. he is, without a shadow of a doubt, my entire world and happiness, the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate and i CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM. i know he feels the same. we have a near-perfect marriage (we're the couple all our friends refer to as default 'happy marriage') - the only arguments we have are about the fact that i've always had a problem with getting 'too' drunk & when that happens i lose control sometimes, and often it results in me getting aggressive towards him verbally for very little reason. we know we need to work on communication and he knows i'm seeking help for alcohol already. 

so thats the background. then, a few days ago i got blind drunk, and cannot even remember how, but ended up ONS with a stranger. when i 'woke up', i fled.

please, please please tell me some of you have heard of stories where ONE-TIME ONLY STUPID MISTAKES like this can be buried, forgotten forever, used to improve the marriage, & resulted in long happy years together!?

because i CANNOT tell him, it will absolutely ruin him with pain, and he will leave me in a second, without a shadow of a doubt - he's told me before that would be his reaction. 

i've pretty much made up my mind not to tell, and I have no reason to think he would ever find out, the guy was a stranger and new to our city. not at all in the same social circles. 

so.....what i'm asking you guys may sound selfish, but i'm basically concerned about my behaviour and mental state for the rest of my life...does anyone know of any couples where a one-time discretion has remained a secret forever and in fact improved the marriage/the couple have 'gone back to normal' and continued to be happy?

i am not worried about being able to be happy around him, i've been doing it for the last few days and it's been good. obviously when i'm alone i'm sobbing with guilt. but i would take that a million times over rather than inflict a second's worth of pain on this man who doesn't deserve it - and for what? the ONS meant absolutely NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING so why ruin lives for that, in the sake of 'honesty'? what is honest is my love for him and i know i can make him happy. 

i can just imagine what an a**hole i sound like. i'm sorry - please know that before this, i considered myself a good, God-fearing person. i love my family and i try to live right. i made a STUPID mistake which has the power to ruin my life, and the most important person in the world's life. but someone...please...comfort me that it doesnt HAVE to be like that???

   

i'm sorry.


----------



## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

I dont think you are actually sorry...


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Hiding facts and lying is never a good idea. 
It's what ruined my marriage. 

Would you want him to have a ONS and never tell you? 
How can he trully and honestly love you when you aren't honest with him? 
What if by some chance, he manages to find out on his own? 

Let's put it like this:
He will probably find out. I am sure there are several sources. Facebook, friends, neighbors, etc. It is impossible for there to be no loose ends. 
So you can either gamble that he will never find out, but if he does, I can almost promise you it will end in divorce, or make the off-chance of reconciliation much harder to get, and harder for him to endure. 

Or you can tell him now, and hope he'll graciously forgive you, Which is more likely because the affair will be coming from you, and not someone you don't know. 

You can also tell him the whole and entire truth. No trickle truthing to help him (because it doesn't, I know that for a fact). He'll be more likely to forgive you.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you were to poll marriage counselors, you'd find the answers split. Some people would argue that you could keep this secret, others would argue you shouldn't.

As painful as it is for me to say this to you, I am now (as someone who was betrayed) firmly on the side of being honest with your spouse.

A secret like this builds a wall between you and him. Where before you had nothing to hide--indeed, he was your soulmate--now you've built a wall between the two of you. As time goes on, it's more than likely you'll add other bricks to that wall.

I will let you in on something that most every betrayed spouse realizes at some point or another.

It's not about the sex.

It's about the LYING.

If he discovers this on his own, trust me, his imagination is going to run wild. He is not going to assume this was a single event. He is going to assume that when you get drunk, you have sex, or that when you find yourself at a party, you have sex, or that when he's not around, you are having ONSs like they are going out of style. That's because he will find it tremendously difficult to believe that this was your once and only time.

I know that hurts to read--I'm just telling you what he will almost surely think if he finds out by himself.

Another thing you should do--read the countless threads on this forum from loyal spouses whose husbands and wives had affairs 10, 15, 20, 25 years ago. They are emotional _wrecks_. So if you think it will break him now, it will likely destroy him later.

Here's just one example. The fact that it happened many years ago doesn't make a bit of difference.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...l-affair-also-physical-dont-know-what-do.html

Here's the position of a well-respected counselor--you will see he takes the same position I just did. However, I based my position on my own experience plus reading countless threads on this forum.

Historical Honesty

Current Honesty


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Don't fool yourself into thinking it can't come out. I found out about my wife's ONS (she had two about a year apart) 22 years after the fact.

That being said, if I had found out immediately afterwards I probably would have divorced her.

Why do you think he can't find out? 

What was your excuse for being out all night? 

How did you pull this off without any suspicion? 

What makes you think you won't do it again?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think many people keep these secrets. Aside from the fact that you have to live with yourself, they are really just little bombs waiting to go off. There's a recent thread here that's a true cautionary tale:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62432-i-need-help.html


----------



## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

id tell, who wants to feel like dirt for the rest of their life.
Its just the right thing to do.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the logical problem with your request: A person who is keeping the secret perfectly WON'T be on internet forums talking about it.

We won't know about it at all. So how could we know?

I've read about three threads about how the secret came out years later...and the guys were here crying about the whole thing. Time will not lessen the sting. It will magnify it because every day that goes by will 'make his relationship a lie'.

So I can't advise you that it DOESN'T work. But I CAN tell you that every single one of these guys has SERIOUSLY talked about divorce. The next 7, 14, 20 years of being a Stepford Wife didn't buy these women any points at all.

As far as what he said...it _might_ be true. Than again, it might not. You never told a best friend a hard truth? ("Becky...I hate to say this, but you SMELL. Puberty has not been kind...")

So make your choice and take your medicine. I DO know that if your marriage from this point on isn't STELLAR, you'll get negative points if it ever comes out....but putting that effort into it might make YOU resentful even though YOU were the one who started this rodeo.

This is the life you bought yourself. Good luck with the drinking.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just a few more threads. The part you'll notice in many / most of them is how the anguish is almost worse as time goes on.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62921-knowing-why-necessary.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61728-wife-cheated-years-ago-still-cant-get-over.html (despite the title, he found out years ago about an affair that happened years before that)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-cheated-me-15-years-ago-just-found-out.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51816-wife-cheated-6-years-ago-just-found-out.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45357-found-out-wife-cheated-7-years-ago.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/44000-anyone-find-out-years-years-later.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ad-affair-5-years-ago-found-out-year-ago.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-4-years-ago-now-just-tells-me-need-help.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ed-first-year-our-marriage-7-years-later.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...t-found-out-my-wife-cheated-23-years-ago.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/5465-just-found-out-husband-cheated-25-years-ago.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ted-me-10-years-ago-feels-like-yesterday.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...t-his-one-night-stand-happened-years-ago.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/5505-husband-cheated-five-years-ago-has-son-ow.html


----------



## bbrad (May 30, 2012)

It's not the cheating that will hurt you, it's the getting away with it that will.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say you feel guilt and remorse and are incredibly beating up on yourself,but you are able to hide it and be happy around him.

That doesn't sound possible. Either you are the best actress in the world, or you really aren't that guilty or remorseful because such strong feeling will show through even if you stick a fake smile on your face.

Are you going to get an STD test? The stranger may very have given you a nice STD.

How are you going to deny you husband sex until your STD test comes back? Btw, AIDs tests take six months. Are you going to deny him sex for six months, or are you going to gamble with giving it to him if you caught aids. Did the OM use a condom, did the OM have anal sex with you?

Then there is the question of your severe drinking and abusive behavior. It's now brought you right to the point of your marriage ended and you breaking you husbands heart? Are you going to forever stop drinking? Totallly? Because thats what remorse would drive you to do. Remorse changes a person, it forever has them fear and reject the things that contributed to what they regret.

You did the deed, you chose to cheat, you need to tell your husband. You say you'd never do it again, but gee 1.5 years ago you pleaded never ever to do it in the first place. Yet here you are. You now know you can and will choose to cheat given the right opportunity. Whose to say that won't come again next month or next year?

Your fooling yourself if you think you can take this to the grave. You'll get drunk again and begin berating your husband and out of your own mouth will come your confession. You'll tell him how awful in bed he is, and how much better the other guy was. You'll tell him that you're going to go out and do it again. 

Just wait, it'll happen.

Unless......

Unless you get you and him ino MC to deal with your cheating, and get you into treatment to deal with your drinking and your nasty abusive behavior when you drink.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Just a few more threads. The part you'll notice in many / most of them is how the anguish is almost worse as time goes on.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62921-knowing-why-necessary.html
> 
> ...


iheart thanks for the links. Ok I am going to assume this is not the first time you got blind drunk i have seen this before, do you want help it's out there it only progresses anyway be honest with h but even more be honest with yourself.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If you are so 'in love' with your husband, why do you beat him up when you are drunk?

Have you ever heard of the phrase 'in vino veritas'? It means you are honest when drunk. When I get drunk, I smile and laugh and try to look down women's blouses. That is ME. You....

Well it seems you have a lot to work on and I mean this kindly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I had a family member who had a ONS he kept it a secret for 40 years.He had another family member tell on him at the age of 72 because of a financial dispute ,( he won) so the other person for revenge told his secret of a ONS all those years back when he was in his 30's.

Because of all the stress he had a massive heart attack several weeks later and died


----------



## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.
-Buddha

Having said that, you can. People do it all the time. But that wall will come up. Your secret will eat at you. A marriage is two coming together to be one. How can this secret exist if you are as one? You will never quite be at that level of intimacy and trust. And for this, the longer you wait, the worse it gets, not better. 

Of course, the statistic is that he will cheat, too. Just wait it out and you can spill the beans when he gets caught.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had a ONS 5 years ago, my wife was my gf at the time, but we were breaking on and off during that time. It's something that haunts us to this day, and something that will haunt me forever. It's too late now but if you really want to move on, you will have to confront this, the sooner the better.

My wife knew about it the day after, but if she had found out about it after marriage - that would simply crush her. I have not cheated on her since that stupid mistake, but I have dealt with the consequences of my actions.

You want to keep it a secret, sure, why not, besides it also spares him the hurt and the pain - as long as he NEVER finds out - which is a risk, and chances are he will find out. Regardless it won't spare you at all, the only "solution" is to be honest. There's no good ending to any of this, you have to decide.

The best possible ending will take more then just a sorry. FryFish made it really clear here:


FryFish said:


> I dont think you are actually sorry...


There are some threads here where I've seen the repentant spouse move MOUNTAINS to save their marriages. Complete transparency, total honesty, working hard to regain their spouse's trust, working on their own issues, reflecting on their mistake and learning how to never make it again. THAT - is being sorry.

And the result - some marriages break up, but the ones that do survive end up stronger as a result. That's the only way you're going to get a happy ending. At the moment, you're trying to escape the consequences, you don't want to have to confront your spouse with what you've done as you know you'll ruin his life. But if you don't, everytime he tells you he loves you, every moment he sweeps you off your feet, you are going to remember deep down inside - that you deserve NONE of it.

The guilt will never end, until you know in your heart you've done the right thing, and if you want to do the right thing -> Look for the threads where the cheating spouse actually IS repentant.


----------



## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> some marriages break up, but the ones that do survive end up stronger as a result.


I see this all of the time. And I don't agree. The couples I personally know who have had affairs rock their marriages and survive are mostly just that. SURVIVORS! They don't seem to be doing all that great forevermore. They just kinda go back to business as usual given enough time, except now they have bigger rocks to throw at each other when they fight.

However, I do think it is possible to get through and to have a more honest marriage, where you have a much more realistic vision of your spouse. Where problems in the marriage are handled better. And that is what I was striving for in my marriage, but my spouse refused to join me. 

maybe I'm just jaded now...


----------



## manonfire (Nov 29, 2012)

I saw this article on yahoo, about a year ago.

This 99 year old man, divorced his 97 year old wife. They had been married for 74 or so years.

Why you ask?

Knowing death was closing in on him soon, he decided to go through all his things. He stumbled upon a letter from another man to his wife, about an affair they had in their early 20's.

Eventually he will find out. Eventually he will leave you.
There is a possibility you can reconcile - You tell him the truth.
Now. Not the 'beat around the bush' truth. The entire truth.
And you can start by not going out and getting drunk without him ever again because its evident you cannot control your self.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

So you slept with someone overnight or at least for a few hours and your husband isn't suspecting that you might be cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

doc_martin said:


> I see this all of the time. And I don't agree. The couples I personally know who have had affairs rock their marriages and survive are mostly just that. SURVIVORS! They don't seem to be doing all that great forevermore. They just kinda go back to business as usual given enough time, except now they have bigger rocks to throw at each other when they fight.
> 
> However, I do think it is possible to get through and to have a more honest marriage, where you have a much more realistic vision of your spouse. Where problems in the marriage are handled better. And that is what I was striving for in my marriage, but my spouse refused to join me.
> 
> maybe I'm just jaded now...


Well, even though my wife and I have tons of other issues ranging from religion to nymphomania (which we have seperated due to) -> the one thing we did do right was overcoming my past infidelity. Yes the pain is still there, the trust is no longer 100%. But the truth of the matter is that I've learnt from my mistake, and I would rather DIE than to repeat it. That is what I mean by being stronger.

However, I had to face the music. If I did not suffer the consequences of my actions, I would not have learnt. I may even still be a cheater today if I didn't learn. One has to be truly repentant to exact changes, which unfortunately I don't see with OP. This is due to seeing threads of truly repentant spouses, what they are doing to rebuild trust, to save their marriage, being prepared to do whatever it takes to do the right thing. The word "Sorry" no longer cuts it, it never cut it for me, and it shouldn't.


----------



## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

I bet she never post again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you have a recollection of what happened ?

Were you black out drunk ?

Do you think you were drugged ?

Do you know who you slept with ?

Do you remember saying yes to sex ?

Was he drunk too ?

Do you have a recollection of having sex ?

Do you often get blackout drunk ?

Do you flirt with strangers when you get drunk ?

Who else was with you ?

If what you posted was true, then you have a very good chance of repairing your marriage. 

You are as responsible for the affair as much as a drunk driver is responsible for the accident.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Like it matters. It signified the beginning of the end. You did it and now your relationship is a hoax. Hopefully karma will visit.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> he is, without a shadow of a doubt, my entire world and happiness, the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate and i CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM.


Is this for our benefit or are you trying to convince yourself of that? If the above was true you would not be getting drunk and you would surely not be here with this problem.

Words are soooo easy. Actions are much more important.


----------



## A++ (May 21, 2012)

sorry1 said:


> i am not worried about being able to be happy around him, i've been doing it for the last few days and it's been good.


I wonder if it's the first time you had one-night stand! :scratchhead:


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

sorry1 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm a sad, sorrowful newbie, so please go gentle. I dont think i've seen any other threads like this (apologies if there are).
> 
> ...


My H did something similar to you about 7 years ago, after we'd been married 10 years. He told himself the same as you, one mistake and will never happen again.

Like yourselves, very happily married, best friends, soul mates type marriage........or so I thought! Everyone looks up to our marriage......the perfect couple people believe.

He should have come home and confessed to this huge mistake, he should have trusted me with the truth and begged for forgiveness and made changes so that it could never happen again.

But, he chose NOT to tell me.....believing it was a one off drunken mistake he would never repeat. Fast fwd 3 years and he does it again, he chooses to keep it to himself, he tells himself he won't ever do this again, but again, no consequences for his bad choices.....

So fast fwd another 3 years.......he does it again.....only this time I get suspicious and start digging around, not believing this man I love and trust would really betray me.....but he has...and when I find out this way it almost has killed me, almost has,killed him....we are now dangling by a thread.

Tell your H the truth and face the consequences for what you have done, don't ever believe he won't find out.....the chances are he will. 

If my H had come home and confessed after first cheat I would have been very hurt, but it would have been a good basis for forgiveness to begin....and we could have made changes and I'm certain he would not have cheated another two times knowing the pain he had caused me.

Be brave and face the consequences......you don't really have a choice if you love your H as much as you say you do.

Good luck


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

sorry1 said:


> ...
> My husband and i have been together 7.5 years, married 1.5, met when I was 19. he is, without a shadow of a doubt, my entire world and happiness, the love of my life, my best friend, my soulmate and i CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM. i know he feels the same. we have a near-perfect marriage (we're the couple all our friends refer to as default 'happy marriage') - the only arguments we have are about* the fact that i've always had a problem with getting 'too' drunk & when that happens i lose control sometimes, and often it results in me getting aggressive towards him verbally for very little reason. we know we need to work on communication and he knows i'm seeking help for alcohol already. *
> 
> so thats the background. then, a few days ago i got blind drunk, and cannot even remember how, but ended up ONS with a stranger. when i 'woke up', i fled.
> ...


I think if this is really a ONS, you should not tell anybody. Don't spoil a good relation anyfurther than you already did.

BTW It's not the ONS, not the communication, not the arguments, not the loosing control.

It's the alcohol.

You have to stop drinking at all.

Then you could get another live, and give him another partner. Be happy together, even more then you were.

Stop Now.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Didn't vote!

Feels to much like making this into some sort of game.

You are looking at making decisions that will afect your husbands life and heart and you are making a poll about it? SMH.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You said you are getting help for your alcoholism, and that is good. You need to stop drinking. FOREVER ! You are unfortunately an alcoholic. And now you are really seeing just the tip of the iceberg of how bad it can get for you if you don't get sober. Get down on your knees and tell him what you did and beg for both his forgiveness and also his help for you to get sober. If that means rehab then so be it. And if he decides to walk, then except that and let it give you even more reason to get sober. Good Luck


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you had a good marriage, you would not be out drinking heavily by yourself, having time to sleep at another man's house etc...

Drinking leads to sex. That's why married people should not be in hook up situations (bars, clubs, singles) without their spouse.

Plus you could now be pregnant, have an STD or your ONS man may come find you for more.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Sorry1,

Stop drinking, go to AA. As part of working the program you will be ask to make a list of others you have hurt as a result of your addiction. 

List your marriage as one. Then you will be asked to make amends. Write your husband a letter admitting to the ONS. Do not minimize, take full responsibility and hope your husband loves you as much as you seem to think he does.

If he sees you earnestly working on your sobriety, he will at least see you taking some concrete steps to prevent another Drunken ONS. That is a lot more than many BS ever get.

If you really feel alcohol caused the ONS, then you have a problem and need to stop drinking. Even if you choose to keep the ONS secret you need to stop.


----------



## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

Tell Him. I had a one time PA. I believed it would never go further. About a week later he contacted me and it turned into an EA for about 2 months. I broke it off and never thought it would ever be discovered. It was. The OMW found out and contacted my Boyfriend. The one thing my boyfriend said repeatedly was that he just wished *I* had been the one to confess. To him the remorse I have lost it's effect because I was caught. The only saving grace was that I confessed to it immediately on D-Day. Another tip. Omitting is not a good idea. Not telling everything will only cause the pain to be spread out over each little new discovery. You will never be able to keep your lies straight. Don't even try. 
With that being said.. be prepared. D-Day for your H is going to be just as devastating. It's your turn to do everything you can to begin building back what you tore down. You have to accept what he says, what he calls you, things he requests from you and most of all. You have to accept that you ruined what you had. Your old relationship is dead. You now have a much greater responsibility. You no longer have privacy that you may have been allowed before. You no longer have the right to go out drinking with other people. I am not one to say you have to quit drinking. I think you are lying to yourself though. I believe you may have been lucid about the entire event. If not, I would say that there is a point at which you said to yourself. "I shouldn't be doing this" and you selfishly ignored it. I would definitely recommend you to stop drinking during R if he gives you that opportunity. 
Keep this in mind. The lies that you have already told to cover this up need to be acknowledged by you immediately. It would help if you did it before he has to sit and think about it realizing the depth of deceit. He will still think about it but it will not be as much of an omfg moment. This doesn't have the ability to ruin your life, it already has you just haven't accepted it.

You have to be an extremely strong person to tell and it will be hell but remember if you are lucky enough to be allowed to remain married to him, *He is a much stronger person.* Please don't forget that. I would say you should do your own research, read the recommended books and possibly go to a counselor immediately. It will be a good sounding board on the best course of action if you are unsure. You will be faced with a lot of emotional trauma because of what you have done and the pain will be very real for both of you. It's very different pain and the pain you caused will never be forgotten but it may be forgiven. It will never be fixed but it may be slightly eased over time. The luxury you have had of 100% trust will never be fully restored. It will be your responsibility to perform acts of valor and transparency to help him regain his trust in you. 
If you stay married, If you continually work on being open and intimate and sharing emotionally with him and talking as a couple, things may eventually begin to get better. He will need assurance from you and support. You need to do nice things for him consistently. When you finally absorb the damage that cheating causes you will accept this willingly as your lot in life for now and into the future. From your OP, it seems like your H is a guy worth keeping so you should really weigh out whether or not you want to keep a betraying looming lie in your back pocket for the rest of your life together. I vote: not healthy for either of you. 
whew, sorry for such a windy post.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

"Loose lips sink ships"

That was an expression I heard over & over in the service. It makes sense. 
Keep drinking and before long, you will - in time- confide your little secret to your best friend. The cat will be out of the bag.

Get to counseling. Go to AA. 

The answer to your question lies within yourself. Some people can live a lie some can't. 

Which kind are you?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sorry1 said:


> a few days ago i got blind drunk, and cannot even remember how, but ended up ONS with a stranger.


I can only assume that when you were drinking, you were out at a bar or at a party without your husband. Otherwise, your husband would have taken care of you and brought you home. And, if you had already been at home, there would (I assume) have been no strangers about available to have sex.

As others have said, drinking is a serious issue for you, but I want to point out again that going to bars and parties that serve alcohol without your husband is a serious issue for your marriage.

The connection isn't just the drinking--it's frequenting solo pickup types of situations that lead to sex.

Be strong! You can change your life for the better. You have it in you. (My points about telling him in my previous posts still stand.)


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

If you can't be honest with your husband, you aren't really married.

What does marriage mean to you? For me it is a partnership, a union, a meshing of two people at the most intimate level possible. You don't have that. You're going to have to work your ass off to get it back, if you ever can. Otherwise, it is a sham. If you are okay with that, carry on and be someone that your husband doesn't know and never will. That will be your h3ll, forever.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Even if you are able to keep it a secret it will severely damage your M in ways you are not able to see yet...


----------



## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

being drunk is no excuse for cheating


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Just a few more threads. The part you'll notice in many / most of them is how the anguish is almost worse as time goes on.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/62921-knowing-why-necessary.html
> 
> ...



This post needs to be made a mandatory sticky.

The truth must come out.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> I see this all of the time. And I don't agree. The couples I personally know who have had affairs rock their marriages and survive are mostly just that. SURVIVORS! They don't seem to be doing all that great forevermore. They just kinda go back to business as usual given enough time, except now they have bigger rocks to throw at each other when they fight.
> 
> However, I do think it is possible to get through and to have a more honest marriage, where you have a much more realistic vision of your spouse. Where problems in the marriage are handled better. And that is what I was striving for in my marriage, but my spouse refused to join me.
> 
> maybe I'm just jaded now...



Because it takes more then to stop banging the AP. Need to learn skills to make a better marriage, affair proof your marriage and how to heal, after an affair.

No work and that's all the WS and BS do is survive going through the motions.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You can probably keep the secret, but it will poison you and poison the marriage.

If it was a meaningless, drunken ONS, then I would recommend that you find a time to tell your spouse, then work on fixing things so that it never happens again.

It will be very hard work, but probably easier than destroying your own soul by keeping this deep, dark secret while trying to have a marriage (which should be based upon total trust).


----------



## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

bbrad said:


> It's not the cheating that will hurt you, it's the getting away with it that will.


this is so true: how you might ask? 
well for one it will happen again unless boundaries are set and you change your heart from unfaithful to a faithful one. and seeing the consequences of what you have done will actually help you not do this again. because you are about 80% likely to do this again sometime in the future.

you were unfaithful before you had your ONS, in your heart and mind or you would not have found your self in a situation where it was possible for you to cheat.

By not telling you are manifesting the same selfishness that allowed you to have sex with another man. coming clean will be the path to heal YOU.
please do the right thing and confess


----------



## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You say you feel guilt and remorse and are incredibly beating up on yourself,but you are able to hide it and be happy around him.
> 
> That doesn't sound possible. Either you are the best actress in the world, or you really aren't that guilty or remorseful because such strong feeling will show through even if you stick a fake smile on your face.
> 
> ...


OP you do not really know how your husband will react to your cheating, he could very well want to work on the marriage after the initial shock wears off some. and then you two could work on fixing you.

look at it this way. before you cheated you told yourself i will never be a cheater, then you cheated now you say you will never cheat again, you can not trust yourself to not cheat again, esp if you do not change your selfishness


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

LMFAO. Good luck. 

Your guilt will cause you need to self medicate even more and you will get blind drunk again. You already know you do things you don't remember and regret when your hammered. 

You will self destruct. It's eventually coming out one way or the other. In the meantime, it will consume your thoughts and eat at your soul.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

Let me guess, GNO?

But it's just for fun, I won't ever do anything at all.

Ooops, it was the alcohol, not my fault.

Where have we heard this story before?

I can't live without him, that's a good one though. Didn't think of that when you were drunk did you or drinking yourself into a stupor.

And why do the poll, unless it's a troll only. No cheater will ever listen to a poll unless it's what they want to hear.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband got a BJ from a hooker once. We were living apart at the time, then got back together. He swore he would take that disgusting secret to his grave.

5 months later he confessed.

It takes a special kind of sociopath to not feel guilt about doing something like that.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

PLEASE,

Do not let this become a 20 page thread of us trying to get you to tell the truth.

Confess, that is by far the best advice that we can offer.

Confess, and do not TRICKLE TRUTH. Give it all at once, all whenever he asks, the details he asks and be remorseful.

If you do not confess it all and your husband will catch you on your lies and any progress he has made to that point will be shattered and you both will have to re experience his same hurt and your same shame.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

OP, thank you for proving my hypothesis about women.

Thank you so much.


----------



## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> OP, thank you for proving my hypothesis about women.
> 
> Thank you so much.


I'd love to jump on that band wagon but I think it can go both ways.

Deny, deny, deny deny.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

You know what you need to do.


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Where did the OP go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Supposedly, 80% of affairs go undetected. Just sayin.

If you plan on ever going out drinking without your husband, just get it over with now. You are an alcoholic , you need to quit drinking now. You sound like a mean drunk. When drinking around yor husband,it will most likely end up with you ratting yourself out to him to be mean.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know you act badly when you drink, especially to excess.

Tell me... then why do you still drink? And drink to excess?

Are you an alcoholic? Or do you like to do outrageous, risky things and do you then drink in order to blame the booze and not your own self when you do outrageous, risky things?

I think you need some fairly deep counselling before you damage yourself and your marriage even more than you already have done.


----------



## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

manonfire said:


> I saw this article on yahoo, about a year ago.
> 
> This 99 year old man, divorced his 97 year old wife. They had been married for 74 or so years.
> 
> ...



I think I saw the same article . It happened during WW2. and He divorced her if I remember correctly.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Tell me... then why do you still drink? And drink to excess?
> 
> Are you an alcoholic? Or do you like to do outrageous, risky things and do you then drink in order to blame the booze and not your own self when you do outrageous, risky things?


Agreed, I still remember when I cheated, blamed the booze, tried to lessen the drama by saying "it's just a one night stand" "I was drunk" "I can't remember" but nope. Fact of the matter is that I cheated.

Sure, it could have been worse, and my story pales in comparison to some on here, but it was still a cheat. I had to take ownership of it, full responsibility of it and what I had done to my wife/gf at the time. No blaming this or that, what's done is done, and trying to escape responsibility = refusing to take ownership of it = NOT repentant at all.

Anyways, outta here.


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Don't blame the booze blame yourself. Alcohol doesn't make people do things they don't want to do. It simply removes the inhibition and deadens the conscience. Without these you don't restrain yourself as you normally would.


----------



## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

gemjo said:


> Where did the OP go?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

sorry1 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm a sad, sorrowful newbie, so please go gentle. I dont think i've seen any other threads like this (apologies if there are).
> 
> ...


DON'T SAY A DAMN THING BURY IT AND FOCUS ON YOUR MARRAIGE CUT DOWN ON THE DRINKING. 

For now on it's what ONS are you even posting about? Squash it and best of luck!!


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I doubt the OP is coming back.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Acoa said:


> I doubt the OP is coming back.


That's good. I don't even know how to respond to these threads. I feel like I'm betraying the BS by saying forget it happened and change for the better. But in reality there are not many marriaged that can be salvaged if it's exposed.

It's just a lose lose situation. And of course I have this strong desire to say nasty things to the OP so I generally comment once or twice and then try to leave it alone.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Drive by. Either a troll just throwing a story out there to work people up, or someone who didn't like the answer she got.

Perhaps she was hoping for us to offer reasons why cheating isn't nasty so she could feel good about herself?


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> That's good. I don't even know how to respond to these threads. I feel like I'm betraying the BS by saying forget it happened and change for the better.* But in reality there are not many marriaged that can be salvaged if it's exposed.*
> 
> It's just a lose lose situation. And of course I have this strong desire to say nasty things to the OP so I generally comment once or twice and then try to leave it alone.


You may be correct about the bold. But to me that's all the more reason to tell him now. Let him cut bait on this and start a new life while there's still time to enjoy it.


----------



## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

if you try to bury it,or hide it will come slithering out, and if you pull it off you will do it again for fun next time. make the admission, and make your marriage stronger, and better. do not beat your other 1/2 up but include him in YOUR healing.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

olwhatsisname said:


> if you try to bury it,or hide it will come slithering out, and if you pull it off you will do it again for fun next time. make the admission, and make your marriage stronger, and better. do not beat your other 1/2 up but include him in YOUR healing.


Thanks for watching another episode of.....

THE WALKING THREAD


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

lionsguy22 said:


> I bet she never post again!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very Impressive.


----------



## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

sorry1 said:


> Hello,
> 
> so thats the background. then, a few days ago i got blind drunk, and cannot even remember how, but ended up ONS with a stranger. when i 'woke up', i fled.
> 
> please, please please tell me some of you have heard of stories where ONE-TIME ONLY STUPID MISTAKES like this can be buried, forgotten forever, used to improve the marriage, & resulted in long happy years together!?


Are you sure you had sex with the person you woke up next to? Based on what I know about drinking and men's sexual performance, many men who are also blindly drunk, will performance trouble. 

Oh, by the way. Take an alcohol abstinence pledge. I got drunk once too often in college and quit drinking all together.

WWHT


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

My wife had an EA from 1992 to 1995. I found it out in 2010.


----------



## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I seriously believe that having a ONS and getting 'away' with it, facing no real consequences is what helped my H to do it again and again.

If he'd come home after the first ONS riddles with guilt and faced the music he would probably never have done it again!

OP, a lot of WS have great spouses, and in 'mostly' great marriages but it doesn't stop them cheating when too drunk and an opportunity presents itself.

Stop drinking!!

Don't stay away from home alone!

BUT also......You need to tell your husband what you have done, this is maybe, the only thing that will stop you ever doing this again.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

What's been done in the dark WILL come to the light. Trust me on this. By keeping that ONS a secret from him, your relationship and life with him right now is a living, breathing LIE!


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Look, I have logged probably 2x the average numbers of drunken hours per year than the average American drinker. I have also had more than a couple of ONS when I've been single. I have done a lot of primary research on the subject of alcohol and sex.

One thing I have never done is sleep with someone I didn't already want to sleep with. The only thing the alcohol did for me was make me more assertive less self-conscious, which my target must have found more attractive.

The survey question is irrelevant, because it doesn't address the problem. The real question is when and why did you decide to take the opportunity to cheat if it presented itself?

Alcohol is simply not a powerful enough drug to make you do a complete 180 on your beliefs in one night. You wouldn't commit bestiality if you were really drunk, would you?

Metaphorically, you couldn't have fallen in the infidelity pool if you hadn't already climbed up the diving board, stood on the edge and started pounding the shots.


----------

