# Do I sever ties with my In-Laws?



## NotThePerfectDaughter (Jun 28, 2017)

Sorry in advance for my huge post....I just don't know what to do anymore.

My husband and I are very happily married. The first few years of our relationship were pure bliss, I loved his family and they loved me. When some conniving and rude things were spread between my sister in law and me (at the hands of my brother in law, whom we think was jealous of the close relationship between my MIL and I) things got sticky. There ended up being conflict between my husband and his brother, me and my MIL, me and my SIL, me and my BIL, my husband and my MIL…. It was a rough 6 months. 

Over the last 2 and a half years things get worse and then slightly better on the regular, but all of the relationships are always strained. Slowly things get a little more civil but you can always tell that things are broken. Things like his mother was supposed to pay for our rehearsal dinner, but she flaked when the bill came. Or she bought my SIL a gold and gemstone ring for our joint birthday party while I got cheesy costume jewelry. His mother randomly chooses to text me weekly (and get offended if I don’t text her soon enough or with a ton of detail) and then decides not to talk to me for a month. I have always been civil with her and polite, I talk to her, but not of anything important. I keep things blasé but I will ALWAYS respect my elders. 

My husband, on the other hand, is NOT attached to his mother and mostly just ignores her all together (which he has done since before I met him). She dragged him through hell during his parent’s divorce and tried too hard to control his life. He rebelled against her nearly 15 years ago and does not like to talk to her and refuses to talk to her about his life. He does not call her unless he is forced and most of the time he chooses to not return her calls. 

She moved out of state a little over a year ago and we thought it would help our strained relationship. We wouldn’t be subjected to seeing her every few weekends and would be able to live our own lives. While the last statement is true, it didn’t make it any easier. I am now (last night I found out) being blamed with wanting to drive a wedge between my husband and his mother (by my BIL and MIL, although never to my face, only to my husband). My sweet husband doesn’t know what to do. He would HAPPILY sever ties with his mother if it wasn’t for the fact that he and his brother own a VERY successful company together. 

His brother is one of the most toxic people I know; he will spread lies about people and tell you things to make you doubt yourself. He will push blame onto anyone else, ignore you if he doesn’t want to listen to you, make snarky comments that get under your skin… I could go on and on. 

I have tried everything imaginable to make them happy, I have been overly involved, I have been indifferent, I have been perky, I have been blah, I have tried to make conversation, and I have tried to stay quiet. I have tried to force a relationship and I have tried to just let it lie and make it natural. At this point I don’t know what to do! 

My husband is away on a business trip with his brother and I spent 3 hours last night crying to my own parents trying to understand what I have done wrong to them and why there has to be an issue. I have not had an issue like this with anyone else. Just because we don’t get along like the “perfect American family” doesn’t mean that my life has to be spent trying to fit into that mold to make them happy. 

My husband this morning was ready to call his mother and sever all ties, plain and simple. But I couldn’t let him do that. His company is our main source of income, he loves being a business owner and he is great at it. They have so many great things in their work life right now that I can’t be the cause of bringing it down. I know that if we break all ties with his mom and break all personal ties with his brother and his wife (keeping things only professional).

I try so hard to ignore what they say about me, but I know deep down that I will ALWAYS care what they think….they are my husband’s family… it does matter on some level. 

I also feel like I need to stand up for myself. Unfortunately nothing is ever said directly to me about anything…I hear all of this through my husband (who tries to stick up for me, but he is ignored) so I cannot stand up for myself in the moment. When I go to bring up something that happened or that was said, they prefer to play dumb and act like they care about me and would never make me feel bad, when in reality I can’t help but feel like they are intentionally trying to bring me down. 

I am torn, do I suck it up and live my life while slowly making our contact minimal or do we address it head on and make a clean, quick break with his mother and make his relationship with his brother strictly professional? I know both options will never stop them from talking about me or trying to demonize me to the rest of the family, but I don’t know what other options I have!


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

It seems like your husband has your back when his family talks bad about you. And he doesn't seem to care what they think about you. Why does it bother you so much? 

My best advice is to just stop caring about this because it really seems like it's eating you up inside when it really doesn't have to. Don't even formally cut ties. Just stop giving any weight to their opinions. Be cordial if you ever see them in person, but other than that, don't waste your time/energy/soul worrying about them. Some people are just inherently unhappy and like to feed off other's misery. They will drag you down with them if you let them...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

How about asking your husband to stop telling you about all the crap that they say? **** like that doesn't need repeating. What purpose does that serve? And he shouldn't be engaging in it either.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I recommend that you follow your H's lead on this. He knows his family much better than you do. You are now seeing the likely reason he prefers to keep his distance. There are probably other reasons as well.

If you have checked your own behavior and can't see anything you've done wrong, and the people who you trust (e.g. your husband, who is the main person here, and your parents, etc.) feel that you've done nothing wrong, then sometimes the only way forward is to enforce your boundaries and keep the people who will be harmful to you, your well-being, your marriage on the outside.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, my inlaws are what brought me to TAM. My username means Frustrated Daughter In Law, lol. I know ALLLLLLLL about inlaw issues! Ugh.

Sometimes you have to put yourself first and step back from toxic people, even when they're family. I've not seen or spoken to any of my inlaws in over two years now. It started over a disagreement started by my SIL (she pulled me up for something that was none of her business and my husband supported me), she then dragged my MIL & FIL into it and it became bigger than Ben Hur. Absolutely ridiculous. I've never known people who can hold a grudge like this! And why involve your elderly parents in something they didn't need to know about? We would have had it resolved long ago if that hadn't happened.

My husband hasn't seen or spoken to them since January, when our daughter had major surgery. His parents disrespected a request from her that no one but her parents see her while she was in the hospital. They turned up anyway and caused her a lot of distress. My husband stood up to them - and they've not spoken to him since. Not even a phone call on his 50th birthday.

Like you, I know my inlaws are badmouthing me to all and sundry. It's all our fault that our husbands don't talk to or see them - us daughters in law have super powers apparently! We can control grown men's actions! Wow! Rofl. 

Like I have learnt to do, you need to remember that what other people think of you is none of your business. Also remember that these people don't know you, and they don't have the whole story so any opinion they may have is irrelevant.

I asked my husband a few days ago about the future and the inlaws, and is he going to call them and try to fix things (between he and them, I'm done with the lot of 'em lol). His response? It's much more peaceful without them around.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Edo Edo said:


> It seems like your husband has your back when his family talks bad about you. And he doesn't seem to care what they think about you. Why does it bother you so much?
> 
> My best advice is to just stop caring about this because it really seems like it's eating you up inside when it really doesn't have to. Don't even formally cut ties. Just stop giving any weight to their opinions. Be cordial if you ever see them in person, but other than that, don't waste your time/energy/soul worrying about them. Some people are just inherently unhappy and like to feed off other's misery. They will drag you down with them if you let them...


I agree with this 100%. The only concern I have is your husband's relationship with his brother. Are they close personally as they are professionally? If not, would your husband be open to buying out his brother's share of the business and having him venture off on his own? 

FWIW I think that most family based businesses are doomed to fail if personal relationships are strained. I believe this because I had a major falling out with my in-laws because of a conflict of interests in a family owned business. Things are cordial but there was a major falling out that has strained my marriage. If your relationship with you inlaws is so bad, then I'd be completely honest with your husband about finding a different source of income or a way to sever ALL ties both professionally and personally. Sadly, blood is not always thicker than water.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

NotThePerfectDaughter said:


> I try so hard to ignore what they say about me, but I know deep down that I will ALWAYS care what they think….they are my husband’s family… it does matter on some level.


Because of this, the option of breaking away from your husband's mom and making the relationship with your husband's brother strictly professional is VERY BAD. Doesn't seem you'll be able to comfortably live with that decision (I could be wrong). I wouldn't do it.



NotThePerfectDaughter said:


> I also feel like I need to stand up for myself. Unfortunately nothing is ever said directly to me about anything… I hear all of this through my husband (who tries to stick up for me, but he is ignored) so I cannot stand up for myself in the moment.


Yes, indeed. You must confront your husband's family with him by your side. Have a very serious talk about basic things that your in-laws don't get: your husband married you, you are HIS FAMILY, and you are to be respected for who you are. The way they are treating you is disrespectful, and perhaps tied in a messy way to whatever rumors were started. Confront it all, and if problems don't get better, confront it again and again... to the point where your MIL and BIL are the ones feeling uncomfortable.

Your husband, as a partner in your BIL's firm, has some leverage in that (presumably equal) partnership. I would advise you against treading so carefully, so not to ruin things. I imagine your BIL has just as much to lose as your husband. Maybe talk to your husband, to better understand what's at stake?



NotThePerfectDaughter said:


> When I go to bring up something that happened or that was said, they prefer to play dumb and act like they care about me and would never make me feel bad, when in reality I can’t help but feel like they are intentionally trying to bring me down.


Kudos on attempting to confront this on your own. As I suggested, your husband needs to be by your side. If he can't be for whatever reason, have him digitally record what his family is saying about you, and bring that recording with you. His family needs to own what they're doing, and have an uncomfortable discussion about it all.



NotThePerfectDaughter said:


> I am torn, do I suck it up and live my life while slowly making our contact minimal or do we address it head on and make a clean, quick break with his mother and make his relationship with his brother strictly professional?


Like I said, second option seems like it would be torment for you over the long run. You'll feel so much better by confronting this head-on, and demanding respect from those who disrespect you. Do that, and it will literally command the respect of his family. Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not a requirement to be around toxic people. Just tell your H they hurt you so you'll be protecting yourself by removing yourself from anything to do with them; he's welcome to have a relationship with them, you just won't be around when he does it. Life's too short to let guilt and unfounded obligation ruin it.


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