# She's not in Love with me



## Gavese (Dec 24, 2008)

Hi, I'm new to the whole... talk to people about my problems... so bear with me please..

So my "wife" and I have been together for nearly 7 years, we have two children; our son is almost 4, and our daughter is 15 months. We haven't been happy since my son was conceived. 

Before, we were very much in love, but we didn't live together. We were both young, I was 20, she was 19. We met online via AIM one night out of the blue. I think I was 16, and her 15. 

After talking online, then on the phone constantly, we finally met on 3/20/2002. After that we were always with each other.

Sometime later.. maybe fall of 2004, we started. It was her idea, and I wasn't too keen on the idea. I hadn't been able to hold down a job, and she said she was growing up, while I wasn't. So I tried and tried to get a job, so that we could be together again. I finally stooped to trying to get recruited into the marine corps. Well I later found out that during the two week separation, she had slept with my best friend. A weak moment she said, and the fact that I was all she knew. Ouch, but okay. Somehow I forgave her and we got back together.

Things were fine for about a year or two more, but then she became pregnant. I had found out at this time that I was not eligible for the marines due to being diagnosed as Bi-Polar. Tho I had managed to get my shrink to change her diagnoses to clinical major depression, it still wasn't enough... Well so I got a job as a mover, and started working. A few weeks into the pregnancy and into my new job, I moved down into her house. Her mom was staying with her new boyfriend, and someone was renting the basement, so we had a room all to ourselves. This is when the majority of our problems started.

When I came home from work, I would find the place a disaster, and would throw a fit about it. This is what my father did when I was younger, so I think I held him up as being how I should be. My father was probably bi-polar as well, but he died due to an alcoholic bicycle accident when I was 11. As this was all I knew on how to be a father/husband, my therapist and I think I changed into him. 

The first few months continued with me being an ass, and her falling deeper and deeper into depression.

After our son was born, things mellowed out a bit. I had no idea what I was doing, so I passed power and control to her. Once I got an understanding tho, I took it all back, and she was once more depressed.

Eventually we lost our tenant downstairs, and couldn't find another. So we moved into my parents house. We were ok when we were there. Power and control were with my mom, we just kinda lived there. I became depressed and retreated into my video games and fantasy books, allowed those to take over my life.

Then came the night where my wife stood up to my mother. For years my mother has relied on me to do the things a husband/dad normally does... punish my little brother... fix things around the house... ect.... well she has a husband, but hes always drunk, and therefor unable to accomplish said tasks... so she calls on me... my wife had had enough, and called her out on it... The resulting argument left us homeless for two nights. We stayed with my mother-in-law until we found an apartment.

For a few weeks we were happy, I allowed the control and power to be shared between us, but eventually I took it back. Again my wife fell into depression, and had no desire to do house work, or much of anything really. My bipolarism was pretty strong at this time. I'm currently diagnosed as having "aggravated depression with bipolarism". Meaning that my down swings result in me being aggravated constantly. When I swung up, we were fine together, but when I swung down, My wife wanted nothing to do with me. I was an ass, I know.

Eventually we got pregnant again, and moved back into the house she was raised in. The house where our problems began. I retained control of the relationship, and the household, and my aggravation escalated. In no time flat, she was depressed beyond words, and had no motivation for anything. Finally I sought help, maybe three months ago, and began treatment for bipolarism. I've made leaps and bounds with this treatment, but two weeks ago she kicked me out. She says that the feelings are gone, and she doesn't think that they'll come back. 

We've been seeing a marriage therapist for about six weeks now, and the therapist agrees that my wife is clinically depressed... VERY depressed, and everything about her is screaming for space. We've talked about how my control of power as far as the household goes has led her to this point. She feels as though she has become a subordinate instead of a partner. 

I'm willing to do anything for her, to allow her her space, but she says its too late. I really don't want to lose my family, as this is all I've ever wanted. It's killing me inside... 

Now the therapist also agrees that since we're living in the HOUSE SHE WAS RAISED IN, she feels as tho shes never had her "OWN" space. So I talked to my wife about it and we had agreed to move, to allow her the pleasures most women find in setting up and maintaining they're own "nest". But it's a struggle for her because, like I said, she claims the feelings are gone. She took me back home about a week back, and my control of my aggravation and my bipolarism is really showing. I really want her to have her own space, and I'm willing to do anything, but I fear its too late...

is there any advice you guys can offer as to how I can convince her that we CAN and WILL recapture what we had before. That she CAN be happy with me, and that I am NOT my father, but am myself. And I can be the loving calm person I was before we moved in together. I still want to move to a fresh spot, a spot all her own, where she can set things up for herself, and for the kids. Where she can find her own identity, but can see that I can help her... I REALLY don't want to lose my family... I've even stooped to asking online... I NEVER ask for advice... but I see that my confidence is due to my bipolarism, and My misconstrued belief that my father was a good dad and husband...

I dunno guys... I'm lost...


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your professions of love and statements of support and change mean nothing to her as she as checked out. You must show her in your actions that you are a changed or changing man. 

Continue marriage counseling

Work with your physician to better control your BP

She needs to see a physician about her depression

Give her space for a while, it’s what she is screaming for.

Do not have any more kids until this settles out.

Love and support her but don’t dote on her.

Partner with her on decisions and child rearing.

Keep your temper under control, you are walking a very fine line.

Good Luck


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## Gavese (Dec 24, 2008)

so by give her space, you mean I should leave the house?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Only if she requests it. If she does, try and get an idea of how long you need to be out of the house and get a clear understanding of visitation to the kids. If she does not ask you to leave give he a little space and don’t dote on her. Show her you love her in you actions by being a good father and respecting her wishes.


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## Gavese (Dec 24, 2008)

well snot... I'm sure she's gunna want me gone... indefinitely I gather. Really don't want to chalk it off as a lost cause, and I really want to be around to help with the kids. I want to help give her her space, help her feel better, be happy. But ****** on having to leave my home....


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Unfortunately not leaving will only anger her and breed resentment if she asks you to leave. If she does try and reason with her a little but if she requires it respectfully honor her wishes but let it be known you want the marriage to recover.


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

If you really have changed, then you should be able to own up to the things you did in the past, not expecting her to simply forgive and forget. You were the one responsible for walking all over her for a long time. Repeatedly. 

If she says she needs space, then you should give her just that, for as long as she needs. Swallow your pride, deal with your emotions of separation yourself (which will not be easy) and give her the best Xmas gift you can give someone...Time to Heal. 

This is not about you as a couple. It's about her healing herself and you healing yourself, independently. Before you can have a healthy relationship you need to work on getting your own lives under control and to find happiness within yourselves. You owe it to your kids, too.

And I'm afraid, if she asks, that means you would have to leave the house. Sorry. 

Just my two cents...


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Gavese,

I know where you are coming from buddy... I heard the same speach I need space... well i left thinking that in a few days she would want to talk it out and try to wrok things out..... well she had my stuff packed and at the door a few days later... check out my thread "Should i give up " well friend i am not saying your situation is like mine but all she wanted was space to have her affair and get me out of the way........ 16 years i was with this woman...

So what would i do in your case ... send her packing friend.. if she needs space tell her to find it somewhere else.. once you leave you may never get back in... mine changed the locks security code and everything within a few days.....

i dod the honarable thing to let her stay at the house with my kids..... well i am screwed now i am paying half the mortgage and rent to boot..if i had known it was as bad as it was her butt would have been the one to leave !!

good luck with whatever you decide........


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Skinman, 

With all due respect, that was your own experience. What he is saying is that he treated her badly for years and now he wants to work it out, but she has lost trust that he actually will. She simply wants space. She is not having an affair, otherwise he would have brought it up. It is only fair that HE be the one to leave. He put in her in the depression she has been in for a long time. Do you really think HE should kick HER out? Seriously?


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

Gavese, somewhere in the mess you need to consider those kids of yours. You have a responsibility to them.

Your first responsibility is to respect you wife enough to let her heal so that she can be a good mother to them. This whole thing needs to be taken one step at a time. It is not the time for final decisions about staying together or not - for either of you.

You are not going to lose her all in one go because in all likelihood the kids will be with her, given their ages, unless she is so depressed that she can't look after them, and you, as their father are entitled to see them and help with their care. So, you will still see her.

You can't build on what has gone before. Time is your biggest friend here. Give her time - plenty of it - to recover, and focus on continuing with your own therapy and healing, as others have said here. If both of you can focus on doing what is best for the kids that will be the best thing you can do.

As for the whole control thing, if you are getting better the single most important thing you can do in therapy is look at that. Some of it might be due to your fear of losing her. It is that very thing that will drive her away from you. You can't have a decent relationship based on fear.

The bottom line is that you don't really have a choice. Either you can give her the space she needs by getting out of her life for a while with good grace and the care you claim you have, or she will get out of your life.


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