# Feeling defeated/don't have the guts to leave



## whatisheupto? (Mar 5, 2014)

Feeling so defeated today. I am one month into discovering the most recent of multiple EA's my husband has been having. Mostly electronic but we also know these women personally. He is trying to smooth things over with me. I just feel like I am caving to him by letting him stay and promising me he won't do it any more. He has had NO CONSEQUENCES, except me outing him to his family, but it is hard for me to know how that has affected the situation. He was really mad at me for 2 days - would barely speak to me - and now he acts like everything is fine. It is very difficult for me to stand up to him and be strong. I am trying but I SO MUCH want the comfort of that 100% trust I had in him before he did these things. HOW DO I GET THAT BACK?!?!? He does not think he needs counseling, but I think he does. He has agreed to marriage counseling but it was a disaster the last time we tried it, because (1) he wasn't on board at all and (2) the counselor was just a terrible "fit" for us. We had a huge argument last night, after having a great time watching a very funny movie together. He says he is trying to do right by me, but I just keep beating this thing over his head. I guess I just need some words of encouragement from you guys...I am so tired of thinking about this every minute of every day...


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I was in a very similar situation. Found out my wife had been having cybersex with multiple men via Facebook. People we both knew from high school. Some who lived in the area, so the opportunity was there for it to escalate. Eventually, I came to believe it hadn't yet gone physcial (based on recovered texts). But it stil hurt.

When I confronted she lied, then lied again. Then eventually admited but claimed that she had already stopped and knew she was wrong. 

There were no consequences. I was numb with pain, and she kept asking how long I was going to punish her verbally for a mistake she made months ago, "blah, blah, quack, quack."

We started going to MC. Then after discovering some individual things we needed to work on, we stopped MC to start individual counselling. In retrospect this was a mistake. We should have continued MC and done our individual work in parrallel. About a year after Dday we restarted MC and thats when things really started to improve. It was new counseller who was really good at getting my wife and I to communicate with each other. She didn't express her own opinions on anything. Just kept us on the difficult topics and kept either of us from using dysfunctional tactics to control or shut down the conversation. 

Based on our work in MC, we started to reagrange our lifestyle. Made changes so that we started spending more time together. Talking more and understanding how we each delt with pain, guilt and grief. 

I also started doing a lot of work on myself. In that year post Dday I had really contemplated getting divorce. I had done the research and had a plan as to what things would look like. I was giving my marriage a 2nd chance, but I also planned out what I would do if it didn't work out. I can't guarantee she won't cheat on me again. But I do know exactly what I'll do if she does. I know what paperwork to bring to the lawyers. I know what documents to file and what the most likely outcome would be based on the laws in my state. Having that plan removes the fear caused by uncertainty. I know one of two things will be true, either she won't cheat and we will grow old together or she will and we will divorce. I know what both plans look like. Heck, I even have them written out in my journal.

I'm almost 2 years after dday. It's getting better. I'm feeling closer to my wife. The triggers happen less (once every couple of weeks now rather than constant like they were the first year). I'm happy that my FWW is being transparant. I'm happy she indulges my questions, agitation and ocassional depressed episodes when I'm feeling triggered. 

Do I know what will happen in the future? Nope, nobody does. But I do know what I'll do if she cheats again. I think less and less about that, but I'm glad I made that plan. I encourage you to do that too. Not to show it to your WH, but for your own piece of mind. See a lawyer. Educate yourself on the laws in your state. Locate and start files for the paperwork you will need. Determine if you will be able to stay in your home or if you would have to move. If you would have to move, research what is available in your price range. Go look at some places. Make your plan. You don't have to execute it now if you are not ready. But determine what it would take for you to execute it. Having that plan will give you that sense of control. Not over him, but over your life.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sorry from one who has felt the same pain as you.

Unfortunately, your husband is unremorsefull and defiant.

You will never reconcile properly until he stops blame shifting and truly understand and accepts that what he did is disgusting.

Are you sure they were EA's and not physical? And if so, how do you know? This is important.

That's all I'll say for now. Others with better words will follow.

You are in the right place


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

So he has an EA, and you feel like you are walking on egg shells around him? 

It should be the other way around. Hell, multiple EA's?
He should be worshiping the ground you step on!

Perhaps pulling a 180 will help him realize what he is at risk of losing if he doesn't already realize that?


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

I don't think anyone can have the 100% trust again. But I have been wrong before.


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## whatisheupto? (Mar 5, 2014)

Juicer said:


> Perhaps pulling a 180 will help him realize what he is at risk of losing if he doesn't already realize that?


I really think that a 180 is the only thing that is going to wake him up, but I am simply afraid to do it. Our kids have no idea anything is wrong, and it will be such a SCANDAL in this small town we live in if he moves out. I should not be so CHICKEN about it, but I just am...I just have to get up the courage to DO IT!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

whatisheupto? said:


> I really think that a 180 is the only thing that is going to wake him up, but I am simply afraid to do it. Our kids have no idea anything is wrong, and it will be such a SCANDAL in this small town we live in if he moves out. I should not be so CHICKEN about it, but I just am...I just have to get up the courage to DO IT!












Just might liven up a small town.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

The problem is that he has suffered nothing because of it, and only sees it as a "mistake" or "thing". These don't show that he realizes just what it has done to you.


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