# Reason for my separation/divorce?



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

stbxw and I went for a free consultation with the mediator at her request (not to mediate an agreement just simply cause her friends have suggested they have access to cheaper lawyers).

Anyways we had to go together and sit in the same room and fill out the information forms separately. When asked reason for divorce, I was just kinda stumped what it really is (ie she is the wayward one), but I wrote infidelity (because after starting to find out how deep it went is what made me decide to let go). Stbxw was also stumped by the question, didn't know what to write and asked what I put, I told her "infidelity", to which she kind of looked confused... after a hesitation, she says, but there wasn't really any infidelity... I say, uh, yeah there was, she says "not really" I say we were married and you had a affair, she said well we were separated and so it wasn't infidelity. In my mind it is.

It is just bizarre, she still can't see that she in fact did cheat on me. She has only admitted to going all the way but only a few days after giving me the ILYBINILWY and saying she wanted to divorce. But it is all a lie, there was atleast one PA, plus texts/naked photo emails from over a month before she dropped the d word. If it wasn't "cheating" why did she keep it all secret and hide it all... when I found the evidence and it came to light suddenly it means she can let go of any guilt she may have had (though she hasn't admitted to any guilt)? I felt at the time that she was in the fog, but that was over 4 months ago and so I thought she would have come out of her fantasy world atleast a little (she long ago ended those flings, but has been seeing many guys since). If she really did have the green light, it sure would have been nice if she told me.

Anyways, it doesn't really matter because she is not even close to wanting R, and after everything I'm starting to realize about her and myself that door is shut for me too. It's all no fault here, but we do both want to fast track the D so it means she has to sign affidavit of adultery or else wait another 8 months. So if she can't even admit it at this point I wonder if she considers signing it perjury?? I don't know what she actually put on the form, possibly "communication breakdown" since the mediator put up the idea that the "breakdown in communication led to her infidelity", but I know it is BS, its the other way around - her lack of respect for me and investing her emotions in her friendships and eventually OM that led to the breakdown in communication, ie she abandoned me physically and emotionally (though she would claim she was the abandoned one, because I was too busy staying at home taking care of our child and trying to find ways to make our budget work despite her lack of contribution).

Anyhow, just needed to get that off my chest, thanks for reading.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Take each day as it comes. My STBXH will not admit to anything even when I have copies of records that prove otherwise. He said he wanted a divorce, but wont do anything because that would take away his time from the OW, so I am doing all the work and moving forward. 

I'll say this again because I think it is go true, mainly with women, for me the fear is greater to stay with a man that can easily walk away from his family with a chance with the OW than the fear of being a single mom. I am a SATM with no income, but to compromise and let him sit on the fence when he can't admit 10% of the truth is much less scarier than staying.

I wish you peace. They say not to do things when emotional and there arent many hours like that, so please take a little time and make sure that it is what makes sense. Not with your heart, but with your head.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Waywards rewrite marital history to alleviate their guilt about the affair. It is amazing what contortions the brain can go through to help us hide from our pain. 

This is a good thread about how the brain of a wayard operates:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lovesherman, yeah I follow that thread, and I know precisely what pit is writing about. I'm just simply amazed to witness it and see how blind she is to reality (or is it my version of reality that is so far off??) It really is a surreal experience this whole marital breakdown, its hard to say whose brain is contorting to deal with the pain more, hers vs mine... I am pretty inclined to say hers, though I'm the one who appears to be the only one actually in any pain.

to upset/confused: thanks for your support... I don't have much fear about being separated from her... it feels like I've been alone for the past year or two already, in fact I've found myself feeling like I'm raising two kids sometimes, my toddler and a teenage daughter (not a good thing at all). The biggest emotion is disappointment both at myself but moreso at her for not ever really being committed to the marriage, in hindsight (or is it my own revisionism?) I've always felt something missing and now I'm beginning to realize it was her holding back, and as she harboured more and more resentment she just held back more. I guess it was doomed to fail, I just couldn't (or wouldn't?) see it and I did not react well at all.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey Lon,
You know our situations are similar. For me, even five days away from divorce court, my stbxw still insists she did nothing wrong, but then insists the marriage had problems for years before and what she did was simply a result of it all. Its all FREAKING CRAZY TALK MAN!!
To hell with disappointment in yourself!! There was a hundred things that could have been done instead of having an affair on you and her family. 
Ive fought long and hard against an invisible shell that prevented what i could "feel" as a "real" closeness between my wife and I. Even after sixteen years in a relationship, there was this ability of hers to just switch off and switch out. Defense mechanism, lack of coping ability with guilt? I dont know. 
I had found out that after a few years with her that she was the emotional copy of her own dad. An unaffectionate, statue of a person that currently makes is second wife miserable. 
My wife held resentment too, but for silly stuff. 

I think you can give yourself a free pass on this one Lon, if you have to act a little crazy to get out of the prison, so be it.
I wish you the best man. Like Pit was saying in my other thread, just focus on the freedom from it. You sound quite a bit like myself in that you have an internal obligation mechanism that is hard to turn off.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> Its all FREAKING CRAZY TALK MAN!!


Thanks shoo, it was good to read that... yeah I do have to switch off my internal obligation mechanism towards her... I know I have already cut off the flow of attention towards her, and she acts just fine. What hurts is knowing she chose the unknown and a life of dating and "freedom" over what I was trying to offer and all that we could have been. I'm sure she looks at me and thinks I had no problem letting go, but the fact is its been by far the biggest struggle of my life, something I don't want but have to do. I realize its not her that I'm struggling to let go of, its my ideal of her. So I too am in a fantasy, so I guess I can understand a little more how difficult it is to get out of, especially if its a fantasy that feels good (instead of the sh!tstorm one I'm in).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon--all waywards re-write history. A wayward in an affair re-writes it even moreso. 

Let her think whatever she wants. You know the truth--she cheated.

Her saying "Not really" is a half-admission. It may not be much but it means she is owning at least part of it.

Either way, doesn't matter.

I remember my exH saying I was the one who "made" him file for D. I just looked at him and laughed. Told him I didn't "Make" him do anything. Just like I didn't "make" him marry. I told him "You get to own that allon your own." He got PISSED. To this day, he doesn't feel it's his fault he filed for divorce. Riddle me that one!

She is a ghost to you know...the the wife you loved and married is gone, baby, gone. File your paperwork and be done.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hey Lon, I am truly sorry that you are (as many on here) hurting in a sort of way that very few can understand. It's good to have this forum to be able to let some steam out. I just can't help myself, whenever I read things like your opening post, from feeling some kind of pity for these waywards. To actually commit adultery and then turn around and find choice words to negate the actions of what you have done so that you can clear your conscience of all wrong doing is just sad to me. I wonder if she will ever wake up one morning and have an epiphany, where she will just feel remorseful, responsible, and truly regret for not making a different choice about her unhappiness with your marriage besides f&**king some other guy to make her feed her ego with revenge. As Shoo said on here, there could have been hundreds of other ways for her to act on her dispappointment with your marriage. It is just so weird how they all choose fantasy land instead of dealing respectfully with an unpleasant situation. Do they not know they are making a temporarily bad situation permanently irreparable? I guess not since they don't even bother to consider the children. I suppose that once they get the sense of freedom they feel at not being responsible for anything or anyone, it dulls their senses just like a powerful drug. Your wife is still under the influence, it'll wear off some day, then she is going to be looking back in her old age and wondering why she didn't do differently by you, your son and your marriage. You on the other hand will be looking back at how rewarded you have been for raising your son, standing up for honesty, integrity, and commitment, and possibly even the gift of another more affectionate and understanding wife. Keep your wits about you, don't let her delusion that she didn't do anything wrong get in the way of your continuing to grow as a better person, continue to explemplify to your son, as you have been, how to be an honourable and dependable man so that even when he loses, he can still keep his integrity. I don't think there are too many people left in this world that you can depend on to keep their word with a mere handshake and a promise. Show him how to be a gentleman and you have done your job. Best to ya!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> You sound quite a bit like myself in that you have an internal obligation mechanism that is hard to turn off.


Wow, I like that. I don't like that we all seem to have it, I like the explanation. That sounds very much what I feel like too.



Jellybeans said:


> Today is the first day of the rest of your life.



That is exactly what I was thinking this morning watching the sunrise.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She is a ghost to you know...the the wife you loved and married is gone, baby, gone. File your paperwork and be done.


Yeah, I think that is the part that I'm still grieving the most, maybe as much as the grief I feel for my son to face life with divorced parents. I am also frustrated that I will forever have to continue to work through parental responsibilities with her, but I'm much tougher than anything anyone could ever possibly dish out (I will bend to pressure but will never snap) and I will do what needs to be done.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> ...As Shoo said on here, there could have been hundreds of other ways for her to act on her dispappointment with your marriage. It is just so weird how they all choose fantasy land instead of dealing respectfully with an unpleasant situation. Do they not know they are making a temporarily bad situation permanently irreparable? I guess not since they don't even bother to consider the children. I suppose that once they get the sense of freedom they feel at not being responsible for anything or anyone, it dulls their senses just like a powerful drug.


Her decision to cheat is likely far from the first thing she acted on to deal with her unhappiness... what is disappointing is to realize that each thing she has done to try to find her happiness has taken her a little bit further away from me and her commitment to the marriage, and it all culminated in cheating and her complete certainty to walk away. I'm sure she is convinced she's done everything she could to fix "her" marriage, except I don't believe either of us had ever really done much to try to fix "our" marriage, but I wasn't even close to giving up yet.


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