# Low sex urge of my wife.



## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Hi,

I and my wife happened to talk about our very low sex life. And she gave me two reasons for it.

She says following reasons

1) I (my wife) has a very less urge for sex. Like once a month or even less.
2) I (my wife) am scared of even touching you (me) in the bed, because I am scared if I even touch you it will end up in having sex.

So I am really worried how can I increase her urge for sex. 
Secondly the only allowed position for sex is missionary AND NO OTHER.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> Hi,
> 
> I and my wife happened to talk about our very low sex life. And she gave me two reasons for it.
> 
> ...


 I think my wife feels the same way sometimes. I explained to her that playing is fun for me/us. It doesn't have to lead to sex all the time. I did this so she would just relax. Tease. Play, have fun. Sex when it happens. It works...kinda...as long as I don't get too set on having sex.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

She wants to be able to touch you with out you expecting sex. plain and simple. she needs the non sexual touch. Cuddle and touch her often with out sex. Give her that emotional connection.


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> She wants to be able to touch you with you with out you expecting sex. plain and simple. she needs the non sexual touch. Cuddle and touch her often with out sex. Give her that emotional connection.


Accipiter is right. Give her what she wants first and then see if she will slowly advance for more. Was she always like this?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Is she on birth control?

Was she this way when you first married?

Kids? Ages?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Be stealthy and go along with the non-sexual, cuddling, touching, etc. It's easier to boil a frog if it doesn't realize you're turning up the heat.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> She wants to be able to touch you with out you expecting sex. plain and simple. she needs the non sexual touch. Cuddle and touch her often with out sex. Give her that emotional connection.


This....and its not a bad thing...









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> Hi,
> 
> I and my wife happened to talk about our very low sex life. And she gave me two reasons for it.
> 
> ...


Are you sure our wives aren't related? I have gone through many years of just that and it is frustrating. 

On,y as of late have things picked up, and it took a few hiccups along the way when I thought it was on an upswing earlier. I basically made some strong demands and told her that this is a big marital issue for me and I'm not going to let it continue. She acknowledged that she is the problem, but that I made it worse by pressuring her so much. So we both made some concessions. 

I have been conscious of my actions and sayings to her and tr to keep them away from being sexual in nature and she has been trying to improve her libido via supplements (DHEA) and I also bought her '50 Shades,' which she finished and didn't give a great review of, but asked for the other volumes. 

Are things perfect? No, but much better. You need to have a sit down talk with your wife and can't be a ***** when you do.


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## lovedandcherished (Sep 11, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Are you sure our wives aren't related? I have gone through many years of just that and it is frustrating.
> 
> On,y as of late have things picked up, and it took a few hiccups along the way when I thought it was on an upswing earlier. I basically made some strong demands and told her that this is a big marital issue for me and I'm not going to let it continue. She acknowledged that she is the problem, but that I made it worse by pressuring her so much. So we both made some concessions.
> 
> ...


Hahahahaha...I was gonna say...buy her 50 Shades. You won't be able to keep her off of you. LMAO! Seriously, it's the passion they have for each other. After having read all three books three times (since they arrived on my ipad mid-Aug)...My husband probably wishes I'd just want to go to bed...LOL!
:rofl:


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Thanks for the posts, but it is not that she wants to touch me sexually or non-sexually but is afraid that it might lead to sex. Because after the above mentioned discussion we had, I have tried alot of things, giving her massages without leading to sex just for her to relax (Which she enjoyed alot). Just hugging her and sex or no sex I rub her back every night until she falls fast asleep. But still she never approaches me to kiss or hug or any other way of intimacy (obviously not leading to sex). If I hug her then she LETS me hug her, and if I ask her to kiss me then she would kiss me on my cheeks. 
Even if we are alone at home and she is sitting in the sofa I will come and lie down with my head in her lap, she won't even try to rub her fingers in my hair but if I ask it then she will start doing it. But thats it. 
And now I feel really insulted to ask for even small things which should just come naturally between spouse. 
It feels like now I can not even talk to her about it, as she takes if I am just complaining AGAIN. Even if after one or two weeks I say we need to have it tonight, she goes WHY? OK we will see (in a very sad tone) and that night she will sleep very early. Even without waiting for me to come to bed. 

I don't know what to do? Any help?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Just forget about the sex and cuddling for now. You need to work on yourself. You should join a gym or start walking . You should go shopping and buy something new (clothes,shoes,). IMHO you need to let her notice you again. Women sometimes get tired of the same ole same ole (switch it up sometimes).


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## MaritzSmit (Sep 21, 2012)

I have been conscious of my actions and sayings to her and tr to keep them away from being sexual in nature


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

You might try wearing a sexy outfit.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Yes you need to read "Married man sex life primer" by Athol Kay. And fast.

Come back with feedback once you have read the material.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> Just forget about the sex and cuddling for now. You need to work on yourself. You should join a gym or start walking . You should go shopping and buy something new (clothes,shoes,). IMHO you need to let her notice you again. Women sometimes get tired of the same ole same ole (switch it up sometimes).


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

The issue is I am 31 and she is 30, and we have been married for just less than 4 years. And she has always been like that. And just to answer the next upcoming questions no, she was not involved with anyone else before getting married to me. 

So as per her, she just has a very low libido and definitely wayyyyyyyy too low than me. 

But good idea I should start clothing up and exercising.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

And just a question: How do you define a SEXY OUTFIT for men?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> And just a question: How do you define a SEXY OUTFIT for men?


A nice pair of blues jeans with a fitted shirt . You get a new haircut and fresh shave. You smelling good and looking great = sexyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. We woman like it when our man is looking hot. It makes us take a second look . Just change it up a bit .


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

needyForHelp said:


> she has always been like that.


OK... I just lost all sympathy! 

" she was always like that"

So why do you now expect her to be different?
Maybe she could also change her eye colour and grow a few inches for you.

If you wanted a wife with a high sex drive way you should have married to a high sex drive woman.

It's really that simple.

I'm sorry for your situation but it seems you have made you bed....


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

needyForHelp said:


> Hi,
> 
> I and my wife happened to talk about our very low sex life. And she gave me two reasons for it.
> 
> ...


Oh boy.... You actually would be better off if she gets mad at you and gives you the ILYNILWY speech seriously then you can re-build to a marriage you both want. I was in the same boat. Not anymore I'm fixing my wife to have all the sex I need.

Have you stated to her YOUR NEEDS???

If not there is no hope. You have to change the dynamics.


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

have an affair.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

DH1971 said:


> have an affair.


How the hell is that gonna help?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Either your wife has no sex drive, which would be unusual for a 30 year-old woman, or she isn't sexually attracted to you.

In order to rule out any medical reasons, you need to get her to a doctor for a checkup with the explicit purpose of identifying any physical reasons for low libido. You need to insist on this. If your wife refuses, it's probably because she knows that she isn't attracted to you, but is too polite to say it.

Assuming that there are no medical reasons for her libido, you need to become more attractive to your wife. As FreedomCorp suggested, read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. to learn how to be sexier.

Good luck.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

waiwera said:


> OK... I just lost all sympathy!
> 
> " she was always like that"
> 
> ...


And what happens if you don't find out until after the wedding?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

needyForHelp said:


> The issue is I am 31 and she is 30, and we have been married for just less than 4 years. And* she has always been like that.*


Sigh. 

If you knew she was like this and it didn't jive with you, why did you get married? Did you think she would change? People rarely change.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Malaise said:


> And what happens if you don't find out until after the wedding?


Irrelevant to this thread. He knew *before* he married her she was "just not that into" sex.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

I was making a comment in general, not just to this thread.

mea culpa


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Irrelevant to this thread. He knew *before* he married her she was "just not that into" sex.


No, he didn't. He didn't even know his wife before marriage, let alone had sex with her.

He just needs to up his alpha. He's asking for permission to even kiss her.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Malaise said:


> And what happens if you don't find out until after the wedding?


Yes.. but that's a quite different situation. That situation i do have a lot of sympathy for.

But OP clearly states 'she has always been like this'... if that's the case there was no trickery or cruelness from the wife.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> No, he didn't. He didn't even know his wife before marriage, let alone had sex with her.
> 
> 
> > Where do you get this from? I just re-read his posts and can't see this.
> ...


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

waiwera said:


> PHTlump said:
> 
> 
> > No, he didn't. He didn't even know his wife before marriage, let alone had sex with her.
> ...


From another thread.


needyForHelp said:


> I didn't know m wife before marrying her .... we first met after getting married.


When the OP says she's always been non-sexual, he means for as long as he's known her. Which was after their wedding.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

PHTlump said:


> From another thread.
> 
> When the OP says she's always been non-sexual, he means for as long as he's known her. Which was after their wedding.


Ahhh.... well that explains a lot, thanks for that..... shame he didn't say so in his OP. 

Wow, imagine marrying someone you didn't know...scary! Hardly surprising this sort of thing happens.

I suppose I should have read through his previous posts... like I don't spend too much time here already


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Trenton said:


> If after having this conversation nothing changes, then go read Athol's blog as previously suggested...but at that point you'll just be biding your time to either turn your relationship into a series of manipulations & games to get what you desire at her expense (fully believing it is what she secretly wants) or on your way out of the relationship...which at that point, you should invest in the Man Up materials in the Men's Clubhouse.


This is a complete misunderstanding of MMSL. MMSL is about giving wives what they want. Not tricking them into something they don't.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Trenton said:


> You need to allow her time to know you and fall in love with you prior to getting to the points I cited above.


They have been married 3.5 years. She knows him.

I see two possibilities. First, the woman is completely repressed. She hates the idea of sex, kissing, etc. She just doesn't want to do it at all. That's usually not the case, however. And, we usually have a baseline from dating or early in the marriage where the sex and affection was good, which can rule it out. But, we don't have that here. So it is a possibility.

The more likely possibility is that she's just not into the OP, specifically. And the way for him to change that is to become more attractive. He sounds very beta, so he likely needs to add some alpha.

Once he's added alpha, if she hasn't responded, I recommend he move on to MEM's thermostat approach. This means that he begins to match his wife's effort level in the marriage. Right now, it seems that he is working hard to meet her needs and she's not worrying about his needs. So, he needs to figure out what she really values in the marriage and scale back on that. When she asks, he can calmly tell her that he is going to match her effort. If she wants him to go back to meeting her needs as often as possible, then she will have to step things up in the bedroom. At least she will feel the sting on an unsatisfactory marriage as much as the OP does.

I wish him luck.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Sigh.
> 
> If you knew she was like this and it didn't jive with you, why did you get married? Did you think she would change? People rarely change.


Well I didn't know her before getting married. Long story ...... We met each other after we got married ...... so lets not discuss that.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> They have been married 3.5 years. She knows him.
> 
> I see two possibilities. First, the woman is completely repressed. She hates the idea of sex, kissing, etc. She just doesn't want to do it at all. That's usually not the case, however. And, we usually have a baseline from dating or early in the marriage where the sex and affection was good, which can rule it out. But, we don't have that here. So it is a possibility.


This is true, as I know she loves me, but when it comes to sex, for-example I discussed this point with her yesterday and she said:

"Its all because of the upbringing I am brought up in a culture where it is told from the begining that a girl should never do the sex. and if she HAS TO DO IT then she just lets her husband do it and thats it. I talked with my mother sister and your sister. All of them were of the same opinion that we don't want to do it but we just do it for our husband's needs."

So the problem is she has taken those things by her known women very literally and is implementing them ..... and just won't listen.

Like Now adays I am trying to not ask for or initiate the sex and I hoped she would think about it and might initiate .... but its 14th day of dry period and I feel she is a bit more happy than normal, as she doesn't have to do sex and I am not even asking.

This is the thing which I am worried about, because I said, ... I know girls from the same culture who want to have sex and like to have sex. She went that means if a girl is so open that she can talk to you about her sexual needs and likings etc, then it means there is a problem with her up bringing .......... 

I have told her that, we not having more sex, is making me frustrated, and actually physically sick. And she goes, well then thats a problem. Because if I don't have the desire what can I do?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I have told her that, we not having more sex, is making me frustrated, and actually physically sick. And she goes, well then thats a problem. Because if I don't have the desire what can I do?


See if you can find a counselor from your culture. She needs an authority figure telling her that sex is acceptable and even desirable. Also, be a little more insistent when you are having sex. Just push something a tiny bit outside her comfort zone. And when she balks, argue with her. Perhaps, if you show her that the Earth won't spin off its axis if you touch her boobs, she will be more likely to let you touch them, eventually.

Good luck.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

needyForHelp said:


> "Its all because of the upbringing I am brought up in a culture where it is told from the begining that a girl should never do the sex. and if she HAS TO DO IT then she just lets her husband do it and thats it. I talked with my mother sister and your sister. All of them were of the same opinion that we don't want to do it but we just do it for our husband's needs."


Was your wife brought up in this culture? 

This thinking is so alien to me... it's like some thing out of the 1800's

I LOVE sex with my husband (married 22 years) and I'm not alone in that. Lots and lots of non-repressed women LOVE sex.

I could weep after reading that statement above... to think there are still girls/women growing up thinking like this... how can a woman have a happy and healthy sex life when she is told this is how it is.... gee us western women have it good in this respect.

Think I'll quietly moonwalk backwards out if this thread...

Best of luck OP. I hope you find a solution to this that is good for both you and your wife.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

Well, I do live in that kind of culture right now. I am a moslem from Indonesia. In some part of asia, especially moslem countries, sex is still a "very" taboo topic. Since he met his wife after they married, then it was surely marriage arrangement being made by the families. Those are common in some part of asia even nowdays, not something from 1800's.
Women who speak openly about sex are usually frown upon on public and being called names...


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

Horsa said:


> Well, I do live in that kind of culture right now. I am a moslem from Indonesia. In some part of asia, especially moslem countries, sex is still a "very" taboo topic. Since he met his wife after they married, then it was surely marriage arrangement being made by the families. Those are common in some part of asia even nowdays, not something from 1800's.
> Women who speak openly about sex are usually frown upon on public and being called names...


Thanks .... This is exactly the case ..... But I personally am not used to of that culture. As I live in Europe and had been living here for many years, and had a few girlfriends who were not LD's and didn't have the same issues as my wife ........


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## FLGreg (Sep 26, 2012)

Horsa said:


> Well, I do live in that kind of culture right now. I am a moslem from Indonesia. In some part of asia, especially moslem countries, sex is still a "very" taboo topic. Since he met his wife after they married, then it was surely marriage arrangement being made by the families. Those are common in some part of asia even nowdays, not something from 1800's.
> Women who speak openly about sex are usually frown upon on public and being called names...


Excellent post. In our Western culture steeped in moral relativism (if it feels good just do it) it is difficult to understand a way of life of those not constantly bombarded by messages and images that skew perception and over-sexualize marital relationships. Many non-Western cultures have this view on the "submissive wife".

"needyForHelp" - It is a shame that you did not educate yourself before you married her. It sounds as though you might share a religious belief (or else her family would never have given their consent) but no cultural similarities. Is that the case?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

FLGreg said:


> Excellent post. In our Western culture steeped in moral relativism (if it feels good just do it) it is difficult to understand a way of life of those not constantly bombarded by messages and images that skew perception and over-sexualize marital relationships.


While I agree that Western culture is too sexual in media and premarital relationships, I don't agree that married relationships are overly sexual. To the contrary, sexlessness is often given as a reason for divorce. Too much sex is rarely, if ever, cited.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

@FlGreg: I am totaly aware of the culture, I am a part of that culture and its not like its a completely NO SEX culture, I know many girls from that culture who are HD's. I believe sex is a natural desire. I believe my wife's case is a bit extreme she has taken all those things pretty literally. 
And it is making me totally nuts. And since she told me that I am not even feeling to have sex with her at all. I had a light of hope that it might be something which could be fixed but after our last talk I realized its like something programmed in her and she is so stuburn about that, that she doesn't even think its wrong. Where as according to the religion its WRONG .... as per my religion its explicitly said, that Spouse should love each other and comfort each other, and its one of the core responsibilities of both spouse to fulfil each others' sexual needs, so that they don't look for comfort outside, in illegal relationships.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

OK I experimented one thing .... for last 18 days I didn't ask or tried or anything for sex, hoping that she would feel there is a problem and might think that she should initiate something ..... but NOTHING ... its 18th day we didn't have sex and she is just as cool as anything. ........... and yesterday she asked me to give our daughter a bath, and I simply said "NO" .... she got mad and didn't come to bed and slept in other room. ......... but didn't give her a bath. WHAT THE **** DO I DO?????????? I am really frustrated and pissed right now. .............. It feels like if I don't initiate she will never go for sex. And now at this point me initiating feels like all my hard work of last 18 days will go in vein .......... and she won't even remember or realize what happened.

I remember someone saying, that I should cut the things I do for her, I have tried it but if I don't do those things she clearly changes, gets angry and stops even talking to me ........ What the hell I am into?

Any suggestions?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I haven't really read through this thread and I don't have any kids...

with that said....

I personally believe that taking care of your own child, should be in a "protected" catgeory. Being upset with your wife should have no effect on whether or not you care for your little one. She has nothing to do wth what you're upset about and she certainly shouldn't be punished for it. That isn't fair to her, or to you, because you're missing out on quality daddy time because you're having a spat with your wife. That's really silly.

If your wife has a naturally low drive, is it really unsurprising that she hasn't initiated? She probably felt relieved t have you "off her back" about it (I'm not saying you are on her back about it). Also, if you're typicaly the intiator, she made not know how to initiate.

Also, its a little passive aggressive to be upset with someone for not doing something that only you knew they were expected to do. It's a covert contract that only you are privy too yet she's expected to uphold it. That doesn't make sense does it?





needyForHelp said:


> OK I experimented one thing .... for last 18 days I didn't ask or tried or anything for sex, hoping that she would feel there is a problem and might think that she should initiate something ..... but NOTHING ... its 18th day we didn't have sex and she is just as cool as anything. ........... and yesterday she asked me to give our daughter a bath, and I simply said "NO" .... she got mad and didn't come to bed and slept in other room. ......... but didn't give her a bath. WHAT THE **** DO I DO?????????? I am really frustrated and pissed right now. .............. It feels like if I don't initiate she will never go for sex. And now at this point me initiating feels like all my hard work of last 18 days will go in vein .......... and she won't even remember or realize what happened.
> 
> I remember someone saying, that I should cut the things I do for her, I have tried it but if I don't do those things she clearly changes, gets angry and stops even talking to me ........ What the hell I am into?
> 
> Any suggestions?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> OK I experimented one thing .... for last 18 days I didn't ask or tried or anything for sex, hoping that she would feel there is a problem and might think that she should initiate something ..... but NOTHING ... its 18th day we didn't have sex and she is just as cool as anything.


Why does this surprise you? Your wife has told you that she doesn't want to have sex with you. So you withhold sex from her? That's giving her exactly what she wants. Did you think that giving her exactly what she wants would upset her?

If your daughter told you that she didn't want to eat her vegetables because she wanted a cookie, would you respond to that by giving her two cookies to see if she then would choose to eat her vegetables? Of course not. That's a stupid plan.



needyForHelp said:


> It feels like if I don't initiate she will never go for sex. And now at this point me initiating feels like all my hard work of last 18 days will go in vein .......... and she won't even remember or realize what happened.


You are correct. If you don't initiate, she will be thankful for the respite from sex. She will not get horny and initiate. You're giving her what she wants. As for your hard work, just forget it. You made a mistake. You don't double down on a mistake.



needyForHelp said:


> I remember someone saying, that I should cut the things I do for her, I have tried it but if I don't do those things she clearly changes, gets angry and stops even talking to me ........ What the hell I am into?


Why do you think your wife gets angry about you not doing things for her? BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT SHE CARES ABOUT!!! Look, your wife is using you for your labor. If you stop giving her your labor, she will get upset. That's a good thing. That means it's working. If you stopped catering to her and she didn't react, that would be bad. That means she's apathetic to you being around, so you have no leverage.

So, go back to deprioritizing her. Look at her, not as an adult, but as a toddler. When a toddler doesn't get her way, she pitches a fit. Your wife may well pitch a fit when she doesn't get her way. So what? What is she going to do, not have sex with you? She's already doing that.

You need to drop your neediness and remain calm and confident. If your wife isn't interested in providing for your needs, then you've lost your interest in providing for hers.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

aribabe said:


> Also, its a little passive aggressive to be upset with someone for not doing something that only you knew they were expected to do. It's a covert contract that only you are privy too yet she's expected to uphold it. That doesn't make sense does it?


I don't think sex inside a marriage is a secret contract that only men are privy to. Women are aware, or should be aware, that sex is expected in a marriage.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I don't think sex inside a marriage is a secret contract that only men are privy to. Women are aware, or should be aware, that sex is expected in a marriage.


But his wife was unaware of his 18 day sexual hiatus, she was also unaware that she was supposed to to intitiate during the afore mentiond unspoken hiatus. He's the only one that knew anything about it lol. It doesn't make any sense to expect her to follow through with a contract that she doesn't even know exists.

That's like me getting mad at my husband for not offering me a foot massage everyday, when he doesznt even know he agreed to do that lol. That makes no sense at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

aribabe said:


> But his wife was unaware of his 18 day sexual hiatus, she was also unaware that she was supposed to to intitiate during the afore mentiond unspoken hiatus. He's the only one that knew anything about it lol. It doesn't make any sense to expect her to follow through with a contract that she doesn't even know exists.
> 
> That's like me getting mad at my husband for not offering me a foot massage everyday, when he doesznt even know he agreed to do that lol. That makes no sense at all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again, I disagree. You know that your car requires gas. If you have been filling up your tank once a week for many years, and suddenly the gas gauge broke, or you didn't even know it was broken and it showed full, would you run your car for two weeks without even thinking about putting gas in it? Or would it occur to you that something was wrong? Most people would probably think, "I usually fill up on Saturdays. Maybe I should think about it."

I agree that his self-imposed sexual fast was foolish. It played right into his wife's hands. But, I think it's equally foolish to suggest that his wife wasn't aware of his needs and their schedule.


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> I agree that his self-imposed sexual fast was foolish. It played right into his wife's hands. But, I think it's equally foolish to suggest that his wife wasn't aware of his needs and their schedule.


Well it did work. One night after 20 days she asked what was the problem, as I looked a bit hurt and angry every night, and I said, don't you know what the problem is.

She said I have an idea but, not sure, I said ok do you know how many days have spent, she said 3 weeks (Which really pissed me off, because it meant she also noticed and knew exactly how many days had passed) .... And I said, yes 20 days, and I was just seeing if it ever effects you or not, well we had a discussion ... and since then its getting better ........ Although still I am the one who is initiating, and she does turn me down but still the ratio of having sex has increased a bit like we had it yesterday and a couple of days before that .... and even twice in a day over last weekend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What were you *thinking*?

"My wife doesn't need sex all that much, or doesn't feel comfortable in initiating it.

"Hmmm, what do I do to punish her? Oh, *I* know! I'll make our daughter go to bed dirty! *That'll* show her!"

Well, yes, I agree that it did show your wife something about you and your character. But something that perhaps you should not like about yourself all that much...


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## needyForHelp (Aug 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> "Hmmm, what do I do to punish her? Oh, *I* know! I'll make our daughter go to bed dirty! *That'll* show her!"


It is not how it sounds, it was not about sending my daughter dirty to bed or anything ........ I might have sound totally wrong there ...... it is more like, lately if I ask her to do something she completely ignores or say no too, but she expects me to always say YES and always do what ever she asks me to do ........... I work full time, and that day I came back home after 12 hours ... work + after noon school, and when she asked me to give her a bath, she was just sitting on the computer watching some videos ......... that pissed me off (She doesn't work she is a full time house wife) ........ but next day when I didn't have the school and had to only work for 8 hours, I gave my daughter the bath. 
Although we have an understanding that giving her bath is mainly my wife's job, but as I love to spend time with my daughter and also like to help out my wife, along with other house holds sometimes I do give a bath to my daughter. 
For example, my wife says she can not clean the bath room, so no matter what, if I am sick or tired or busy I always clean the bathroom, and if I don't ..... the bath room will never ever be cleaned, no matter how dirty it gets, I remember a few days when I was very busy whole week and weekend, and the bathroom got dirty, even I had to go to office in the morning I cleaned the bath room at 1 AM .... because that was when I got the time ........ 
This is the thinking which pisses me off, if there is something which I have to do should be done NO MATTER WHAT ..... but the things she is supposed to do, can be taken off or not done, including sex. 
I can go on and on ......... if she says I should do something then she will make me do it one way or the other and if I don't do it .... that means she is not talking to me for days and might also be sleeping in other room. 
Another example, somehow it turned out that taking out the garbage is my job, so now if I don't take it out it will keep on pilling in the kitchen, and bathroom, for example dirty diapers of our daughter will start pilling outside and over the bin, instead of just taking the bag out and put it lets say outside and put a new bag, and then I might take the garbage and throw it out, by the way the place where we have to throw the garbage is literally 7-8 meters away from our main door. And if I forget to put the bag in the bin, in kitchen or bathroom, then it will remain like these even for days untill I realize it and put a new bag ......... same goes for the toilet paper in the washroom if it out then, if I put a new roll it will be done otherwise the bathroom can go for weeks without the toilet paper just taking out of the bag and put in the bathroom.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

needyForHelp said:


> It is not how it sounds, it was not about sending my daughter dirty to bed or anything ........ I might have sound totally wrong there ...... it is more like, lately if I ask her to do something she completely ignores or say no too, but she expects me to always say YES and always do what ever she asks me to do ........... I work full time, and that day I came back home after 12 hours ... work + after noon school, and when she asked me to give her a bath, she was just sitting on the computer watching some videos ......... that pissed me off (She doesn't work she is a full time house wife) ........ but next day when I didn't have the school and had to only work for 8 hours, I gave my daughter the bath.
> Although we have an understanding that giving her bath is mainly my wife's job, but as I love to spend time with my daughter and also like to help out my wife, along with other house holds sometimes I do give a bath to my daughter.
> For example, my wife says she can not clean the bath room, so no matter what, if I am sick or tired or busy I always clean the bathroom, and if I don't ..... the bath room will never ever be cleaned, no matter how dirty it gets, I remember a few days when I was very busy whole week and weekend, and the bathroom got dirty, even I had to go to office in the morning I cleaned the bath room at 1 AM .... because that was when I got the time ........
> This is the thinking which pisses me off, if there is something which I have to do should be done NO MATTER WHAT ..... but the things she is supposed to do, can be taken off or not done, including sex.
> ...


she sounds like a spoiled brat. seriously, leaving dirty diapers piling up because it isn't her job?  

glad she is making an effort with the sex issue though!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> Well it did work. One night after 20 days she asked what was the problem, as I looked a bit hurt and angry every night, and I said, don't you know what the problem is.
> 
> She said I have an idea but, not sure, I said ok do you know how many days have spent, she said 3 weeks (Which really pissed me off, because it meant she also noticed and knew exactly how many days had passed) .... And I said, yes 20 days, and I was just seeing if it ever effects you or not, well we had a discussion ... and since then its getting better ........ Although still I am the one who is initiating, and she does turn me down but still the ratio of having sex has increased a bit like we had it yesterday and a couple of days before that .... and even twice in a day over last weekend.


OK. So you have established that your wife is aware of exactly how many days pass between sexual encounters. What that communicates is that it is a strategy of your wife's. People who don't care about sex don't keep track. It's like going to the dentist. When you get that 6-month checkup card in the mail, you're always surprised because it seems like you were just there last month. Women who don't like sex, or don't care about it, see sex that way. They're surprised it's been three weeks because it seems like only one.

So, you communicated that you were upset. But she already knew that. You also communicated that you are too conflict averse to stand up to her. But she already knew that, too. So, I imagine that she will continue to play her game. She will placate you with some sex. As you said, she'll still turn you down, but slightly less than before. And after a few days or weeks, she will gradually lower the temperature until you're back in the corner pouting.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

needyForHelp said:


> I work full time, and that day I came back home after 12 hours ... work + after noon school, and when she asked me to give her a bath, she was just sitting on the computer watching some videos ......... that pissed me off (She doesn't work she is a full time house wife)


Yep. That's unreasonable. You know it, and she knows it. And she knows that you know it.



needyForHelp said:


> For example, my wife says she can not clean the bath room, so no matter what, if I am sick or tired or busy I always clean the bathroom, and if I don't ..... the bath room will never ever be cleaned, no matter how dirty it gets, ... Another example, somehow it turned out that taking out the garbage is my job, so now if I don't take it out it will keep on pilling in the kitchen, and bathroom, ... same goes for the toilet paper in the washroom if it out then, if I put a new roll it will be done otherwise the bathroom can go for weeks without the toilet paper just taking out of the bag and put in the bathroom.


These things are all called fitness tests, or sh!t tests. And you have failed them all. Occasionally, a woman will test a man to gauge his fitness. That means she will test him to see how much of her sh!t he will tolerate. These will usually start small. If the man passes the test, great. She is comforted that he can handle her, himself, and the world in general. If he fails, then she feels compelled to test again, but at a higher level. The tests continue until the man FINALLY starts to pass them, or until the woman gives up hope that the man is worthy of her, and leaves.

What you need to do is start passing these tests. If you wife is watching Youtube during the day instead of cleaning the bathroom, then password protect the computer. Tell her that you will unlock the computer when she has finished her chores, which include cleaning the house and taking out the trash. Since she's acting like a spoiled teenager, treat her like a spoiled teenager. That's what she really wants you to do.

Will she jump right up and clean the house? No. Will she pitch a fit and sleep on the couch? Definitely. Will she respect you more for being active and standing up to her? Yes.

You are her butler. She does as much as she wants and knows that you, her servant, will do the rest. And women aren't attracted to servants. They are attracted to masters.

Good luck.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

You have to accept that you will have to be the one to initiate it. She feels odd initiating it and that might never change. Tell her that you have a husband's need for normal relations, and if she does not fulfill her wifely duties at least weekly you are not going to stay married to her. In her culture having her husband leave her is probably a shameful thing. Make sure you compliment her a lot, tell her she looks pretty, smells good, is sexy.


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