# Not agreeing with discipline of children



## mitsi_mirage (May 10, 2010)

My husband and I have totally different views on how to discipline the children. We have a six year old son, and a three year old daughter; and they are a handfull. 

I have the way of giving them warnings and time-outs. His way is to swat them in the rear. 

How can we even start to compromise a certain method of discipline?


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

I think your way is the most constructive. I know it takes time and patience but they're worth it!

My own view is that no adult should ever hit a child any more than a husband should hit his wife or a wife hit her husband.

So I can't see a sensible compromise between your two views and I hope that your approach prevails.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

mitsi, I was spanked as a child and came out okay. My wife was not spanked as a child and also came out okay. So both methods have a lot of success stories and a lot of failures. IMO there is nothing inherently wrong/right for either way to raise a child. 

Think about it, 50 years ago close to 100% of children were spanked. Did aggression, hatred Sadomasochistic tendencies, etc go through the roof? No. Spanking does work as a form of proper discipline.

That all being said, my wife and I do not spank our children. When we first were discussing the issue I wasn't totally sure about it. But, I felt that it was worth giving no spanking discipline a try. I mean worse case if it didn't work, we could always escalate it. We have 3 boys and we have never spanked any of them. 

I do give them an occasional thump on the back of the head in order to bring their attention back to where we want it. But it has never been hard enough to even cause tears.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find a DVD for SuperNanny and sit down and watch it with your husband. You'll learn more about disciplining kids than you ever wanted to know! Or else tape them on Style channel; the repeats come on several times a week.


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## Z_Hunter (Sep 6, 2010)

As children, I was spanked and my sister was not. Spanking worked on me and not on her. And we both turned out just fine. It depends on the child as to which works better. Every child reacts differently to different types of discipline. Find out what one works best on what child and go with that.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It really depends on the kid. It also depends on the parent. A spank is not effective if the kid knows that it won't be anything more than a sweet little pat on the bottom, or that if they turn on the tears, they can get out of it. Meaning, you shouldn't agree to his method if you can't actually bring yourself to do it. 

Honestly, to a certain point, your different styles *could* complement each other nicely. If spanking is used as the last resort, and the kids know that if they aren't behaving by the time you've done your thing and that means dad is going to come in with a hand on the bottom, that threat alone could work - that old "wait till your father gets home" thing. I spank my boys when needed, but let me tell you...when they know my boyfriend is going to spank them, they fall in line so fast they trip over themselves. And they know if he finds out they didn't listen to me, he'll spank them, and they don't want that, so they tend to listen pretty well. 

It'll require some talking, and some compromise, but if you both really want to, I think you can find ways to make each of your discipline styles work well.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would suggest the book 1-2-3 Magic if you have not read it. It coincides with your style of discipline, but I had better results with this method than traditional time-outs with my youngest son.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

I am not a parent BUT I was a spanked, beaten and severely terrified child so....
my opinion of discipline is that discipline needs to be: 
1. instructive and helpful to both child and disciplinarian. What are you teaching your child and what is your child learning that the child will need later in life? Are you improving your child or merely taking revenge?
2. never damaging or harmful. If your idea of discipline is to inflict pain and terror (which later will turn into HATRED) just to get some satisfaction and control, it's harmful - even if you turned out OK. What does violence and humiliation teach your child? It taught us to be mean and violent to others and innocent ANIMALS! It's a miracle us kids did not become the Ted Bundy of our family!

IMO, those that: swat, spank, whip, slap, beat, criticize, control, humiliate, terrorize, etc. in the name of discipline, are doing it for their own satisfaction and sense of power or revenge but NEVER for the child's benefit or education.
Spankers and hitters always have reasons and rational excuses for vengeful violence on their helpless little victims and are well rewarded by society for their insanity since many folks who were spanked, etc. as defenseless kids, claim they "turned out OK".....well I didn't turn out OK! But several years of therapy have finally broken the spell of my early wounds and damage at the hands of my (presumably) well meaning but IGNORANT parental monsters.
This issue really burns me up so I'd better close with:
Help your kids - don't damage them with your ignorant, viscous, violent, vengeful and SADISTIC STUPIDITY!


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

jimrich, I can definitely understand why you feel this way since you were NOT discplined you were abused. There is a major difference. When I was younger if I did something severe it might warrant a spanking but my mom ALWAYS explained WHY! That goes for any type of discipline, you must express to the child what they did was unacceptable and this is the consequence of your actions. I too turned out great as did my other brothers and sisters. 

If your theory concerning power or revenge is correct that could be applied to ANY sort of discpline method! If a child does something and you give them "time-out" can't that be construed as power or revenge? 

When all this is said both parents should sit (tell you the truth it should have been done before marriage) and come up with a game plan to discipline the kids with the same method so there is NO division.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is a difference between spanking and abuse. One is done in love and the other in anger. One is constructive and the other is just mean and abusive. A mechanic must be proficient with several tools and a parent must also have a number of tools in their chest. Time out isn't a miracle cure and neither is spanking. The expert knows which tool to apply to which situation and how to apply it. 
A stern lecture laced with a little guilt trip worked like a charm on my daughter, even when she was quite young. My son was completely indifferent to such approaches. Give each what they need. 
Child abuse is wrong, but so is child neglect. My kids learned early that I was "Dad" and they weren't. They learned early that there were rules and unpleasant, consistent consequences for breaking them. Much of my police career has been spent dealing with the offspring of indifferent parents who were far too progressive to ever hit a child, far too progressive to check out their friends, go through their backpacks, inspect their on-line activities, etc. They dealt with their kids as equals or their superiors and then called me when that ridiculous plan proved ineffective. 
The best gift a parent can give a kid is to teach them to be decent human beings and to get along in polite society. If time out works, that's great. If an occasional spanking must be applied, God bless the parent who cares enough to give it. 
Those with just a smidge of common sense can distinguish between a tool and a weapon by the way in which it is used and by the motivation of the user. Simply saying that all spanking is wrong relieves the observer from the obligation of applying critical reasoning skills to a situation.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

You could find out of there are any parenting workshops in your area. 

When you talk about you use time outs and he swats, you aren't really talking about discipline. You are talking about a teeny tiny bit of tactic around getting your kids to behave in the moment.

Try reading some books

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Gateway

Here is another good one

Amazon.com: Positive Discipline (9780345487674): Jane Nelsen Ed.D.: Gateway

How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen... is also good.

Good luck!


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