# frustraed husband. what do i do? MARRIAGE ENDING?????



## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

so my husband of 3 years (been together 4 years) came to me 2 weeks ago to talk about problems he was having with our relationship. he had been ignoring me and the kids for a couple weeks at this point. i do not have a job that makes enough (i babysit a toddler because i stay home with our 3 toddlers) and he feels the burden that he is the only one that pays bills. i dont have my licence (yea im 25 and other than having toddlers i dont really need one, i live .5 miles from all stores). and i talk too much about bills and his ex wife (mother of 2 of my toddlers, treats kids horribly and always causes problems). fine i have stopped talking about the things he did not like. i just went from 40 hours a month babysitting to 80 hours a month (i get paid $2.50/hour) and i just went and got my permit so i can practice and get the real thing in about a month. now he says he is glad i am fixing the problems and he is now talking to me and being good with the kids again... BUT.... he will not hug, kiss, cuddle nothing. tells me he is still not exactly happy. when i ask him whats wrong or what i can do he just shrugs and says he is just frustrated with the whole situation and that he let it go on for 6 months without saying anything. so he is frustrated with himself and cant seem to get passed it. i dont know what do to do. i dont know what to say to him to help him. ive just been giving him space and making sure he knows i love him. he says he loves me too but that he doesnt know whats going to happen and he is still thinking about seperation/divorce. I LOVE HIM. and i will never get divorce without knowing i did EVERYTHING i could to make it last. so my question is what do i do or what can i say to help him? what can he do to get passed it. ive tried to tell him uve told me now, now i know and im fixing it but thats not helping. he is unhappy and i am hurt and lonely. i dont want to lose my 2 step-kids (and their second divorce) and i dont want our daughter to know divorce.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

balvis3919 said:


> so my husband of 3 years (been together 4 years) came to me 2 weeks ago to talk about problems he was having with our relationship. he had been ignoring me and the kids for a couple weeks at this point. i do not have a job that makes enough (i babysit a toddler because i stay home with our 3 toddlers) and he feels the burden that he is the only one that pays bills. i dont have my licence (yea im 25 and other than having toddlers i dont really need one, i live .5 miles from all stores). and i talk too much about bills and his ex wife (mother of 2 of my toddlers, treats kids horribly and always causes problems). fine i have stopped talking about the things he did not like. i just went from 40 hours a month babysitting to 80 hours a month (i get paid $2.50/hour) and i just went and got my permit so i can practice and get the real thing in about a month. now he says he is glad i am fixing the problems and he is now talking to me and being good with the kids again... BUT.... he will not hug, kiss, cuddle nothing. tells me he is still not exactly happy. when i ask him whats wrong or what i can do he just shrugs and says he is just frustrated with the whole situation and that he let it go on for 6 months without saying anything. so he is frustrated with himself and cant seem to get passed it. i dont know what do to do. i dont know what to say to him to help him. ive just been giving him space and making sure he knows i love him. he says he loves me too but that he doesnt know whats going to happen and he is still thinking about seperation/divorce. I LOVE HIM. and i will never get divorce without knowing i did EVERYTHING i could to make it last. so my question is what do i do or what can i say to help him? what can he do to get passed it. ive tried to tell him uve told me now, now i know and im fixing it but thats not helping. he is unhappy and i am hurt and lonely. i dont want to lose my 2 step-kids (and their second divorce) and i dont want our daughter to know divorce.


What's the sex situation?


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

none. he wont. says he is not in the mood. i tried for a kiss 2 days ago and he just backed away and said he doesnt want to give me false hope.


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

he says he is trying to deal with the frustration he just doesnt know how. ive offered sex (not just for him) in hopes that maybe it would help but he doesnt want it. but its been 2 weeks of him trying and he says there is not really any improvement.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

balvis3919 said:


> none. he wont. says he is not in the mood. i tried for a kiss 2 days ago and he just backed away and said he doesnt want to give me false hope.


 How was it before the recent problems?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

So, you care for his 2 toddler children from his previous marriage, and have one of your own with him? Remind him that you care for HIS children like your own. I would be LIVID if I was you, he really need to gain some appreciation for you. What exactly is it that he "need to get past"? That you stay home with the kids? Break it down of how much 3 kids in babysitting would cost for the family, let him do the math himself. If hes been ignoring you and the kids, what does he think he would do with them if you two split? He sounds like hes got depression, what would happen if you suggested he get therapy, or that the 2 of you get therapy together?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is he having sex with his ex?
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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> So, you care for his 2 toddler children from his previous marriage, and have one of your own with him? Remind him that you care for HIS children like your own. I would be LIVID if I was you, he really need to gain some appreciation for you. What exactly is it that he "need to get past"? That you stay home with the kids? Break it down of how much 3 kids in babysitting would cost for the family, let him do the math himself. If hes been ignoring you and the kids, what does he think he would do with them if you two split? He sounds like hes got depression, what would happen if you suggested he get therapy, or that the 2 of you get therapy together?


How come you have his two kids from the other marriage and are babysitting them? Where is the ex-wife?

And you are charging very cheap for your services. Is this the normal fee in your area?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

How long has he been divorced from the first wife?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

balvis3919 said:


> he feels the burden that he is the only one that pays bills.


Are you deep in debt and he is beyond overwhelmed with just trying to keep up? 




balvis3919 said:


> i dont have my licence (yea im 25 and other than having toddlers i dont really need one, i live .5 miles from all stores).


Start looking into getting a license - easy fix




balvis3919 said:


> and i talk too much about bills and his ex wife


How you talk is just important as what you talk about. Are you complaining and making him feel like he's a looser or incapable of doing his fatherly duty of taking care of his wife and kids?
Ex-Wife, just keep you opinions to yourself, just voice concerns.





balvis3919 said:


> i just went from 40 hours a month babysitting to 80 hours a month (i get paid $2.50/hour)


That's way too much for far too little. That's daycare time (actually more than daycare time) and you should be looking at roughly $700 - $800 per week (figure $8.50 to $10.00 per hour)




balvis3919 said:


> and i just went and got my permit so i can practice and get the real thing in about a month.


Does this mean that you can actually run a daycare then?





balvis3919 said:


> BUT.... he will not hug, kiss, cuddle nothing. tells me he is still not exactly happy. when i ask him whats wrong or what i can do he just shrugs and says he is just frustrated with the whole situation and that he let it go on for 6 months without saying anything. so he is frustrated with himself and cant seem to get passed it.


He may need to talk with a counselor - he may have depression and he just can't shake that.

Marriage counseling could help too. Sometimes, a MC can help translate what one spouse is saying so that it doesn't come across as an attack or a put down.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not meant to TJ but why are you only getting 2.50 an hour??? I never heard of such a low rate.

You say he won't be affection with you. But of you initiate hugs, handholding or sex does he rebuff you?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Balvis,

Did this relationship start out before H had divorced his first wife?

Did your H have horror stories about his first wife?

Tamat


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

everything was perfect before the recent problems which is about a month and a half now. he says its been going on for about 6 months internally. yes i care for all 3 children while he works. i have them thursday afternoon-monday morning and he is only home sat-sun. they go back to their mothers monday morning-thursday afternoon. my daughter stays fulltime and the child i babysit is here mon-thursday at set hours. the rate i get paid is what dhs pays state certified. i do not own a home just rent an apartment or it would be more. he says he is frustrated with the fact that he let it go on for so long and didnt say anything and that he let himself become soo unhappy he just doesnt know how to be happy again. i tried talking to him about counseling but he said no (his mom put him in counseling when he was younger cause he had anger issues after his dad left). and no he is not sleeping with his ex. i would know if that were the case i see her every thursday and she would flaunt it and he is disgusted by her. been divorced for 4+ years. i have been a stay home mom since we got together. i have never had a job outside the home. i watched his daughter and son so he could work and then i got pregnant. so we agreed i would just stay home. he knew that i would not get a job until the kids were in school. they r 3-4 right now. we r not in debt at all. we r on housing because he lost his job 6 months ago and when he got a new one he didnt make enough to be taken off. i just got my permit and will be getting my license soon. im a paranoid driver so i need practice. as for talking about the bills i would let him now what they were and when he got paid i would let him know if we had enough and how much was extra. i never told him he was not doing enough, i have always show appreciation that he does work. he works hard. and his ex wife i only talk about he when the kids come over and tell me things he would want to know (doughnuts for breakfast, mcdonalds for lunch, didnt wear a jacket outside in the rain). again i get paid $2.50 an hour and then i get re-reimbursed for the food i feed him. i do not own a daycare. because i have 2 step children i can only take care of 1 more child that is not mine. i made about $150/month before now it will be about $350-$400/month. he may have depression idk. but he wont talk to anyone about it either. he said no to counseling, hes not going to go to the dr for depression- and he is very happy with the kids and others its just me. and there is no intimacy at all. i tried to give a kiss the other day and he backed away and said he does not want to give false hope. and last night i tried to sit with him for a hug and he said he doesnt want one. i have tried sex and get told hes not in the mood.

relationship- we have known each other since 7th grade (2002) and we both knew we had feeling for each other in 9th grade (2004) but we were dating other people at different times and it just never got to us being together. high school ended and he got married in 2010 to his ex. they separated jan 10th 2012 and we started talking jan 22nd 2012. he got divorced april 26th 2012 and we had had a drunk night that led to me being pregnant in march right before. we knew we had feelings for each other but NO i was not the cause of the divorce. that had happened before. he had told her before Christmas that year that he was staying for his daughters first Christmas and then it was over. he was very drunk one night and she took advantage and ended up pregnant and told him 2 days before the day he had told her he was leaving. he left anyways. we got engaged june 2012 and married may 11th 2013. after our daughter was born. and yes he has horror stories about he. but all have been admitted to by her and others.


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> How was it before the recent problems?


before the problems we had sex 1-7 times a week. anywhere from an hour to 5 hours. depended on kids and work. but never our feeling. im always ready hes the one i have to get in the mood. lol but now its just impossible. ive tried all my old trick, even new ones and i get nothing.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Focus on when you noticed a shift in him. Something happened around that time. Maybe he met someone else, maybe you guys had a fight, something at work, family issues, money issues...what?

I wouldn't necessarily focus on 6 months ago because he may be lying about that and rewriting history.

Is there anything remarkable or unusual about his Family Of Origin (FOO) or growing up?


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

so...

in January, just before he left his ex, they got drunk together and 'she took advantage' and got pregnant

then two months later (in March) he got drunk with you and you got pregnant?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why on earth would you accept earning only $2.50/hr? Regardless of what the state certifies, I'm disgusted that the parent of the toddler only pays you $2.50! What an insult! Wow.

Find out what the cost of 3 toddlers would be in childcare, and show your husband. Your entire wage would go in childcare - see how he likes that!

What an ahole.


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

MRR said:


> so...
> 
> in January, just before he left his ex, they got drunk together and 'she took advantage' and got pregnant
> 
> then two months later (in March) he got drunk with you and you got pregnant?


Ok I realize thats how that sounded. No he got drunk in november and fell asleep and she took advantage while he slept. And she fully admited thus in court. As for me we were celebrating cause he had just won time with his daughter in court and was granted joint custody. So we got drunk and yea im pretty sure that was all my idea. Lol.
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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

About 6 months ago was when he got his new job and I started watching the new kid. As for my $2.50 an hour most babysitters in this area get $400 a month per child averaging 150 hours a month. Comes out to $2.67 a hour. I can not think of anything that has changed in the last year that could have caused this other than what he is saying. And the only thing that makes me think anything else is going on is he has a lock on his phone and changed the password to his facebook. But I trust him enough and I do t think he is stupid enough to cheat or even talk to another woman in that way. He knows I would rip him a knew one. But he anounced today that he wants time apart and that I am bugging him too much to try and get passed the unhappy. So I willbe leaving for 3 days with my daughter. He will have to fend for himself and other 2 kids. I will not be here to watch them while he works, cook, clean. Nothing. I will not be leaving any leftover food and I will be leaving dirty dishes! Im gonna make sure he knows what its like to go without me. Maybe he will see how much I do for him. Heres to hoping.
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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Phone locked and new passwords? Red flags!

He's got another woman on the side, maybe several.

You don't know how many folks we get on here that say "Oh, they would never cheat on me..." Then after a little detective work: "you guys were right...he/she's having an affair."

Your H has cheated on you before and there weren't any consequences. He's doing it again, only this time he's not just looking for a 1 shot deal.


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

Tron said:


> Phone locked and new passwords? Red flags!
> 
> He's got another woman on the side, maybe several.
> 
> ...


See and I got into his phone last week and there was nothing out of the ordinary. Just him talking to his brother about how unhappy he is. He talked yo his mother last night a d she thinks maybe he is depressed. So im going to tell him before I leave I expect him to see a dr while im gone. Im supposed yo be gone from thursday night thru sunday night but I may extend it depending o. Him and tell himi need time to think too. Maybe itll scare him. Maybe itll make him realize he is not the only one that can make the desicion on whether we stay together ir not. Im tired of him acting like he has all the power.
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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

Not to mention I have his mom and my mom letting me know when he gets there and when he leaves. He does not leave the house unless its for work, my moms or his moms. So he is not going anywhere else to see another woman. And I know when he works cause he drives for a medical transportation company and has a very strict schedual that goes through his email and I print his schedual for him every night. He is always home on time. And never leaves too early. So unless its a text only relationship, which I doubt, he is not. He shows worry and concern for me though. I made him get a suitcase from my mom last night and he seemed worried and asked why I needed a suitcase and im only leaving for a couple days right? He even looked worried.
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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is there something cultural that is missing from this story? As a guy with European ancestry, I don't see where your H is coming from aside from feeling overwhelmed by the stress of a new job, sole support for the family and stress from his ex. 

Is the fact that he's divorced a black mark against a male from his/your culture? Does he not think he measures up financially with where a male of his age should be? IDK, just grasping at ideas.


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## balvis3919 (Feb 8, 2016)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Is there something cultural that is missing from this story? As a guy with European ancestry, I don't see where your H is coming from aside from feeling overwhelmed by the stress of a new job, sole support for the family and stress from his ex.
> 
> Is the fact that he's divorced a black mark against a male from his/your culture? Does he not think he measures up financially with where a male of his age should be? IDK, just grasping at ideas.


Honestly I have no idea. He makes almost double what we need for our bills. And I make a tiny bit extra tgat he has always called my play money ( when I need clothes or want a haircut or whatever). Ive never seen his first divorce as a black mark against him. I know it started as stress and not knowing how yo talk to me about it. And yhen he waited so long that I think it has overwhelmed him and now he is just soo unhappy that he didnt do it sooner. But he is taking it out on me and possibly going to put the kids through divorce. My step kids already went through his first divorce and his ex wife got married and divorced again already. This would be the 3rd one for them if it happens. Im not so worried about what will happen to me. I have family tgat will happily support my daughter and I until im on my feet. Im worried about the effect on all 3 kids.
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