# Marriage Falling apart and may be over. Need advice an help



## Steel2001 (Oct 12, 2011)

My wife and I have been living like roomates for the past 5 years. We've been married for a little over 7 years now. We have a 5 year old, 4 year old and a 2 year old. My wife has told me, on several occasions, that she needs me to be more attentive to her needs. She wants more physical and emotional interaction. Hold her hand more, cubble, discuss things more etc. When she made these requests I've always thought that she was being needy and would just never be happy with what I do. I've always been a person that has really stepped up to help her manage her daily activities and constantly help her with household chores, drop small little gifts off for her, pick her favorite snack up at the grocery store and suprise her. She also never took any initiative to show me that she wanted or desired these things that she requested. She would tell me that she wanted sit with me on the couch but would walk past me and sit on the opposite side. I felt like I was recieving mixed messages. 

8 months ago my wife just withdrew from me completely and started questioning everything about her life. She has since then admitted that she no longer has feelings for me. I'm trying everything I can to hold onto this marriage because I know I can be a better husband. I know the places that I've fallen down and what I need to do to make this right. The problem is that my wife no longer wants the things she has been asking for. I want to change, because I realize after books, counsel, etc that our marriage wasn't the way it was suppose to be. I had the wrong perception of marriage based on what was modeled for me. We are at a place were I want to give her everything she needed from me and she wants none of that. 

We recently seeked the help of a counseler and were advised that we've built a wall between us and we need to decide if we want to start taking some of blocks down. Before anything happens we need to tackle the wall between us. 

I truely love my wife. She is the most amazing woman in the world, in my eyes. She is much further down the road then I am with all of this. I want to tackle the wall and realize that I'm going to really need to work on myself before I can show her how I can love her in the ways she wants to be loved. I'm not sure if there is really any hope for us at this point. She is withdrawn from me and is really confused. She wants an immediate resolution and our counseler said this could take a long time. Does anyone have a similar situation to this story and can you provide any advice? She stated that she would be willing to stay together for the sake of the kids but we will operate the way we have for many years, as roomates. I'm half tempted to take this option and work on myself to show her that I've changed. My hope is that time will heal her wounds and she will take notice of the positive changes I've made in my life. Is there any hope for us?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Red flag there, 8 months ago you wife became involved at least emotionally with someone else. Find the OM and get him out of the picture. Until he is gone, she won't open back up to you.

Get a key logger on the pc, check the phone bill, and her texts on her phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Steel2001 said:


> Does anyone have a similar situation to this story and can you provide any advice? .....Is there any hope for us?


Yes, we went there and back. For the story look for my thread "When is Enough, Enough" in the reconciliation forum. You are correct, this will likely take a lot of time. Note the dates on the thread but don't let the time frame scare you. Our marriage decayed over a 7 year period and took about 3.5 years to fully recover. They were not however complete years of heightened anxiety as you feel yourself in now. 

In our case my wife's emotional wall was our last hurdle to get by and the tallest by far. If you have committed to change for your marriage, good for you. But your wife will not accept those changes for quite a while. It has to be a sustained effort. 

A question that needs serious consideration. Due to the quick decline in your wife's apparent feelings for you and confused state of mind, do you think she has emotionally attached to someone else? The odds are high.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your wife's love language isn't gifts or acts of service. It seems to be affection. It's how she needs to be loved.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She most likely met someone else, either online or in person. This new guy opened her eyes to what she was 'missing out on.' 

Because you've let your children dictate your life for the last 5 years, this new guy made her go 'wow! I have no marriage! I'm just a worker and no one loves me. Take me away!'

The first thing you have to do is check your phone records for one number called/texted a LOT and check her FaceBook for contact with one person and/or install a keylogger to see who she's contacting.

The next thing you need to do is line up someone to babysit your kids at least once a week. If you can't provide her with romance, sweep her off her feet, you don't stand a chance with fantasy guy, who doesn't have to deal with baths, homework, laundry, etc. He represents her fantasy life and it looks might appealing. You have to show her that she can get that from YOU.

Then you need to do some reading, starting with The Five Love Languages. You say you do all these things, yet you have no clue what her Love Language is. MY LL is taking care of things in my house; my husband's LL is gifts of jewelry and perfume. We spent years and years where I would give him TOOLS, and he would give me JEWELRY, and we were BOTH UNHAPPY! Find out how she experiences love and start doing that. 

Also focus on things she specifically asked for; you say you sat on the couch but she sat elsewhere - why don't you wait for her to sit and THEN sit next to her?

And what are you doing about talking more? Take the kids on a walk and just talk to her about her life, her day, her dreams. THAT is what most women want and rarely get.

Also read up about Love Busters (marriagebuilders.com) to see how you have made her unhappy so you can stop doing those things.

Do all this while you gather your intelligence on who she is contacting. If you use the keylogger for 2 weeks, check phone records for a couple months back, and find nothing (unlikely, but possible), then focus on spending 10-15 hours a week with her AWAY FROM the kids to sweep her off her feet. You have to prove that you're more than a doormat or an ignorer. Kids take a big toll on a woman's self esteem; prove to her that she's still desirable.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

And if you find something do not reveal your source of info or all that you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

8 months ago my wife of 17 years claimed she does not have feelings for me anymore, and wanted a divorce. I was clueless. Sounds like yours is giving you workable reasons. Mine still claims her feelings are gone, but is somewhat willing to work on it.

I think many of these women are dealing with a sort of mid-life crisis.
Hang in there!


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