# So confused, I've lost myself & control



## nvrsbr (Sep 25, 2011)

I have been with my H for almost 8 yrs. we were eachother's best friends. our lives included drug use but i held a job. He did all maintenance & cooking & stuff i didnt like doing. We had hard times because of the drug use but as long as we were together we could get through it. I was 18 when i met him & am now 26. As i was getting older I would tell him I needed help with financial support & needed more effort. My family absolutely hates him because they see nothing good from our relationship. I love my family & I love my H. It has been a constant battle for me between him & the fam as well as me dealing with finances & a drug problem. Well he cheated on me I agreed to have a threesome it got really ugly & messed me up pretty bad. I felt he was choosing her over me & yet i stayed. Well we end up catching 2 criminal cases with a total of 6 felony & 3 misdemeanors. I thought i was done for. I never wanted this. We got lucky & got out on probationary terms. My terms i could not have contact with him. I ended up on the run to see him he was continuing to sell drugs I seen our situation was headed for the same charges if not worse. So i left to rehab for 6 months. When I left my intentions were to get through all of the legal bull**** & to clean up. During that time I grew close to someone in the rehab. We got a job together & everything. It was a lot of healthy support for eachother. I thought to just enjoy the company while I was there & what he didnt know would hurt. Well I ended up allowing myself to get emotionally close to the other guy & have gone back & forth with seeing him & my H. I am just so confused & lost. I know what my H & I have is an awesome friendship but my family has kicked me out due to me seeing him & they called my probation officer because I am seeing him. I have continued to go back & forth & have driven my H to insanity because he says that he loves me & wants to make this work because he doesnt want to lose me. I want it to work too, It just seems like everything is falling apart for me. OG was onboard as being my friend & supporting me, he just wanted good things for me. I have put him through a lot too with the constant flip flopping. I went to give my rings back to my H & it ended up me staying fighting through all of the mess & emotions I caused. It got a bit violent & i know i deserve it for the pain i have caused my H but at the same time I dont have to put up with it i could just leave & focus on all of the other things like the law & family & myself, but i cant handle leaving him. It hurts too much because he really is trying to work through this all. When we get close sometimes I start crying because i am just overwhelmed & sometimes he gets upset because he thinks about all of the lies i have told him & he is still holding on when he knows i dont deserve him too but he loves me & wants us to be together. 
I am just at a constant flip flop & dont know what to do.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Why do you place so much value on a big loser? Surely you have some self respect? Did it occur to you that your family dislikes your loser H because he is a loser husband, and they hate to see you waste your life with a loser druggie? 

Why do you hate yourself?


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## nvrsbr (Sep 25, 2011)

He is a good person. We both have lived the life of an addict. I know that it is easy to give into the addiction with eachother, but that is not what the relationship was built on. He has had a hard life & so have I. I just want to have a good relationship & maintain doing things for a better future for us. But at the same time I am afraid that I will suffer major harsh consequences by choosing love over materialistic things. I hate the person i have become with all of the lying to my family & him & OG & myself. I have tried to end it. Yes I am doing all of my obligations but I feel like I am leaving him when he is suffering too. Then again I have tried to end it with OG & continue to flip flop without considering the damage I am doing on my H's feelings. He has given me chances to just leave, but I sit there silent battling in my head the life I should choose or want to choose. I agree with my family, him & the OG to a certain extent & i know i am the one that needs to decide because no one else will but i cant even identify what I truly want.


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## ThirdTimeACharm (Sep 1, 2011)

Your definition of "a good person" is highly flawed. Until you can understand what a good person really is, you will continue to live in a fantasy world of self deception, lies, and dilusions of granduer. 

I hope you one day get out of your drug haze and wake up to the distruction of your life.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ThirdTimeACharm said:


> Your definition of "a good person" is highly flawed. Until you can understand what a good person really is, you will continue to live in a fantasy world of self deception, lies, and dilusions of granduer.
> 
> I hope you one day get out of your drug haze and wake up to the distruction of your life.


:iagree:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

you can't help any one or any thing until you help your self.

once you find your self and have a real solid focus on who you are and what you want to be then and only then can you start to think about relationships, friendships, family, and even marriage.

establish your self and define who you want to be and then you can exhibit a healthy perspective on what you want to be with others and how others view you and the value you have on there lives and the reson why you and that persons commit to a personal relationship.

people that struggle with you...family and friends..long time friends struggle with this relationship b/c they know you have more to offer then what you are curantly offering.

thats my $0.02 and I hope you think about what you can be instead of what you curently are and make the changes that will fortify a healthy relationship with the ones that truely love you and not the ones that depend on you for personal gain.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

A drug dealer is not a good person. They sell poison to anyone and everyone, even kids. Not a keeper, divorce and move on. If he can clean up his life and get back on track you can re-think the relationship later.

If you keep staying with him, you'll always be an addict no matter how strong you are. The drugs will be available and you won't be able to say no forever.


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