# At 25 I am Sexless and Confused...



## rblue523 (Jun 14, 2012)

Hi. I am new to the forum, and have enjoyed reading some of the posts on here but wanted to tell my specific story and see if anyone has any advice. 
I am 25. Married for 4 yrs. We 'waited' until we were married because that’s what we thought was suppose to happen, AKA what our parents told us we were SUPPOSE to do. Not trying to offend anyone who thinks that is the right way 
About 4 months before our wedding I went to the gyno for an appointment. Wanted BC and was told I HAD to get a pap before receiving BC prescription, even though I was 20 and a virgin. I agreed because I didn’t know differently. To make a some what painful story short, the doc who performed the exam ended up breaking off the utensil inside me. It took 2 doctors and 15-20 mins for them to get out out. It was the most painful experience of my life. 
Fast forward a few years later....sex with my husband is so painful. I have gone back to the gyno trying to find out why but have become so emotional that I wasn’t able to complete an exam. I always feel like I am being stabbed or my skin is peeling off. Thats the only way to describe it. My gyno, apart from being able to insert anything in me, thinks I have vaginismus. Of course she cant give me an official diagnoses because I cant complete the exam. 
I just feel so hopeless sometimes. I do love my husband very much and I want so bad for things to be better but it’s gotten to where we just don’t talk about it...or do it. I give him BJ and HJ. He enjoys them....when we do talk about it, its usually him being very upset and I feel so disgusted with myself. He deserves better...someone who will satisfy him sexually. I have thought before that maybe I am just not turned on enough, I know that it can take a while for women to be relaxed enough. Sometimes he can manually stimulate me and that helps, but I can tell he just gets tired and his arms hurt. I think I would enjoy oral but he isnt really into giving that. I have told him he can do what he needs to to get his sexual release. I dont want to hold him back. He is a 27 yr old male after all. But thats not working because we do love each other and want to enjoy being together sexually. 
I feel so frustrated...he is my best friend and my world. But I dont think he will stick around and deal with this for much longer and I know he shouldnt have to. Please help!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Oh my goodness... you HAVE to get that exam done. Find a NEW gyno, explain to them what happened and your anxiety and get them to do the next procedure with you sedated.... have your husband go with you. They have to look inside. I think they have done some damage or something! I would at the same time get into counseling in case this is partially psychological from that first experience since the first time anything was put in you it was excruciatingly painful! That should never happen.... THIRD get an attorney! You and your husband should be owed compensation. You did the RIGHT thing waiting for marriage and to have what is supposed to be a wonderful experience be marred by this, you are owed compensation, not to mention if the new doctor finds something, you need to be compensated for that as well. In the meantime. I would keep doing what you are doing, but I would not haste on going to get that exam done under sedation, they can give you valuim so that you can complete it and they can see what is going on, you probably have scar tissue that is tearing, if you feel a tearing sensation.... (have your husband read my response) and if you are pleasing him with other means keep the communication open, let him know you have a plan to get this taken care of and ask him if he is going to be there for you, I bet he will since but you have to take action now. You should be enjoying sex honey!!!!!!


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

PS if you want to talk more, feel free to private message me.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

In addition I looked up that condition.... if that is what you have, that can easily be solved with lots of lube and practice, you would not still be having pain 4 years later (unless there is a psychological aspect from the trauma) how frequently have you had sex with your husband? Have you tried to lube him up real good to make it easy for him to slip inside? Is his size outside of the ordinary.... if you could guestimate (since you have no prior comparison)


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## rblue523 (Jun 14, 2012)

Thank You so much for responding. I really appreciate it! 
I will go through and address some of the different things you brought up/questions you asked. 

I have been to a couple different gynos trying to find one I am comfortable with, and NONE of them have ever suggested sedation. That makes the most sense to me! I didnt even know it was an option. I had thought about it before but there isnt alot of information on doing that. I am going to call all the gynos in my area until I find one that will allow it! Part of me thinks that because my story is so crazy that most doctors just dont believe me and I feel like they think I should be able to just deal with it. I have told only a few friends and they look at me like I am insane....even though they are friends. Its just a hard thing to imagine a doctor messing up so badly. My most recent gyno whom is very nice, suggested it could be a combo of what happened the first time and some past sexual abuse. I dont remember anything everrrrr happening to me. I was very close to both my parents and and only child so very rarely away from them. She thought it might be some repressed memories....but I just dont know. 

I have wanted to go to counseling but I have no insurance so that has made that only a wish. However, I recently found out that the school I am attending in the Fall offers counseling services FREE to students. SO I will def be going to talk to them as soon as the Fall semester starts. 

We did discuss what happened with a few lawyers. They said that it sounded like a terrible situation but because of malpractice laws they wouldnt touch the case. I was working 20-25 hrs a week, going to school fulltime, planning a wedding, and had just been in a car accident 3 weeks prior..NEEDLESS to say I didnt have the energy to push it farther....although I wish I had NOW.

We tried more frequently when we first got married....I just kept thinking it would work. Now we can go weeks and weeks without trying. I think we both find it exhausting, and not in a good way. I usually feel scared and try to hide it because thats not sexy but feeling that way can only be hide for so long and I get emotionally. He gets frustrated....and we just give up. And yes, we have tried it with lots of lube, no lube, little lube.

He is about 8 inches long

He thinks I have no interest in him...no sex drive. And thats just not true....I do have a sex drive! I think I just try to ignore it most days because I dont know what to do with it and I dont have a way to release it. 

Thanks again for your response


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I messages you some other ideas 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Speaking as a guy, don't tell him he can go find his release elsewhere. My ex-wife said that to me a lot if I tried to talk about sex with her.

Now I assume you are being much more polite about it than she was, but sometimes it doesn't matter how nicely you say something, it can always come across as wrong. Just going by your post, it seems like he agreed with the idea of "no sex before marriage," at least when it came to the relationship with you. Now he's supposed to be ok with the idea of an affair? That would likely be confusing and I could see how he could take that as you not loving him as much, or being undesireable towards him, even though clearly that's not the case. 

I also assume you don't really want him to go and find someone else to get his release with, and if he did, it'd likely cause you and your relationship some harm even if you gave your blessing to the idea.

Communicate. Keep talking. Does he go with you to the gyno? Have him come along if you are comfortable. Maybe the three of you (including the doctor) can sort this out.

I also agree with the idea of sedation. It seems logical. I also encourage you to look around on the net for ideas of what could be the cause of your problems, and then bring those ideas you find to your doctor and discuss them with him/her. Considering you focus in on the pap that happened, is it possible some/all of your issues could be a mental block, recalling that trauma? If you think that's a possibility, I'd suggest councilling.

I'd also suggest marriage counselling and a sex therapist for the two of you, to further facilitate communication and ensure you are both on the same page and are positive and supportive of one another. It would also help reassure him that you are interested in him, sexually and otherwise, and that you aren't just pushing the issue aside.


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## rblue523 (Jun 14, 2012)

thank you for responding...I def appreciate a guys' response to this. 

As for 'no sex before marriage' it was a mutual thing based on how we were raised and our beliefs at that time. It wasnt just my belief. His parents wouldnt even allow us to be alone together at night.... in the last 4 yrs of being married we have def progressed in our ideas 

as far as the sexual release goes...he brought the idea up to me and I agreed if the situation presented itself then I wouldnt be upset. I know he has done things with a few women and I can honestly say it doesnt upset me. Its not that I dont want him to bother me with it, but that I want him to enjoy himself and not miss out on my account/issues. I guess that may sound kind of crazy or some people will say I am just saying that now, but I will get mad about it later. I really can promise thats not how I see it or deal with it. 

I will probably go by myself to the gyno but I dont think its for his lack of interest but that his job requires him to be out of state alot. And counseling is also something we both want to happen in the near future. 


Thanks again for your response


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