# Is this viewed as right or wrong to ask



## [email protected]@@

In trying to rebuild trust after wife had affair is it ok to ask for access to her phone and laptop for the purpose of fact checking....should her denial of that request be taken as she has something to hide?....what could be legit reasons for her not giving me access.....does my request say something about me?....my thinking is if what i see on her phone backs up what she is presenting in real life i would think it would go along way to speeding up the trust repair.....i know things can be deleted and hiden but she has never been good at that is something i know i trust.that is i am positive that if she is not being truthfull it would show itself on her phone or laptop very quickly


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## Benbutton

Total and complete transparency is the rule of the day. If she doesn't give up the phone then she gets jettisoned.


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## Lostinthought61

If you are agreeing to reconciliation then it is under your rules if she balks or does not like it then show her the door, her rights and privileges to privacy was given up when she cheated....do not allow her to gas light you or rug sweep her transgressions....trust is 100 % broken.


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## D0nnivain

Trust has been shattered by the affair. Now you need transparency. 

Unless there are proprietary work things on "her" devices, there doesn't seem to be a good reason to hide them from you, the BS. 

She's most likely balking because she sugar coated the details of the affair & showing you her devices is going to cause you more pain. It's like a trickle truth thing. Before you press, image the worst thing you could learn about her past behavior. Would you stay in the marriage if that proved to be true, like for example if your cheating spouse said ILY to the AP or you found out they engaged in a sexual position that you two didn't do? If you'd stay even knowing that past thing happened press for the disclosure. But, assuming the worst case is not an on-going affair & that is affirmatively behind you, if knowing those things would be destructive, there is something to be said for ignorance is bliss.


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## cp3o

The rule is - Trust, but verify.

Verification aids the return of trust - it doesn't make it more complete but it helps get where you can more quickly. If WW doesn't accept this I suspect she is not committed to R.


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## frenchpaddy

ball should be in your court , 
but she had her cake 
and you let her stay now she wants to have her privet life , 
she sold that out when agreed to try again ,
it would be very much a condition for me


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## Evinrude58

If you are considering reconciling and have to ask for anything regarding passwords with devices and such, you’re sunk already.

If you aren’t on a hair trigger with divorce, which you should be, your attitude of weakness will surely end the marriage because she will keep cheating.

you should demand for her to show you her devices once in a while just to remind her.
Oh, she feels slighted? She feejs you don’t trust her? She feels you are controlling?
*Here is the door.......* 

Is that attitude yours? No?
Then sir, you have bigger problems.


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## Diana7

If she is fully repentant and wants to stay in the marriage she should be completely open with you.


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## Laurentium

[email protected]@@ said:


> is it ok to ask for access to her phone and laptop


Of course it's OK to ask. It's always OK to ask for things. The answer you receive will tell you a lot about her state of mind.


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## Tested_by_stress

You should have put a key logger on her laptop and ran recovery software on her phone at the outset. If she is refusing access , I believe it's reasonable to believe she is still up to something or there is more you don't know.


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## Robert22205

Because of your wife's behavior her promises are no longer reliable. 

She has now made herself into a liar - and will be treated as untrustworthy until she rebuilds your trust. And it's not up to her to decide if you should trust her (it's entirely your decision based on her behavior).

The right to privacy is for someone that's honest and of high moral character. She needs to accept very little privacy during the 2-5 years it take to rebuild trust. It starts with full transparency and access to all her accounts. This isn't you punishing her - this is a consequence her affair brought on herself.

Until you decide she's trustworthty, she doesn't get to say "you can trust me".
Your wife needs to adopt of mind set of proving she's trustworthy (as opposed to claiming the right to being trusted).


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