# Help! Wife cheated then moved in with OM



## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

I am new to the forum and just seeking any kind of advice for my situation. Here is what has happened in as short as I can write it. 

My wife and I married almost 13 years ago. Our marriage was like any other with ups and a few downs but overall I thought it was good. My wife struggled with some depression issues since I met her but she would take medicine and it wasn't a problem. Then in March she told me she hadn't been happy in years and told me the problems she had. In particular I wasn't around enough due to work and she wanted a child. I immediately began changing my ways and we began planning on having a child which started with her having a small surgery. She acted like and said she was happier and I thought our marriage was the best it had been in many years.

Then at the end of June I came home from work one night to a note that she had left. I didn't understand. For six weeks I listened to her tell me about all the things I did wrong. She told me she was staying with her brother in Illinois and that she wasn't ever coming back but she didn't file for divorce. Of course when she left she lost her good job and we had to file for bankruptcy. I used that as an opportunity to put off divorce and try to go to counseling, which we did. 

About six weeks after she left I checked her phone records and saw the day before she left she and her old high school exchanged 176 texts and 700 in July. I called and confronted her and she said they were just friends but I knew she was lying. I did some more investigating and found out the weekend before she left instead of going on her work trip like I thought, she went to see him and she finally admitted it. Although I thought she was still staying with her brother until I found some more proof that she had been living with the OM since mid July. She had lied to me, all her friends and family too and even the counselor. It is the opposite of her character to cheat and lie and everyone was shocked, especially me.

On Labor Day weekend she finally came to get her stuff out of the house and we talked. I asked her why he was special and she said because he listens to her and wants to do things with her. I asked her multiple times if she was happy and she looked and the ground and mumbled yes. Keep in mind she went from a really nice job as a director at a large day care to working at McDonalds and living in a tiny one bedroom shack with the OM and sometimes his 2 kids while living in a town where she knows nobody. She barely packed up anything when she left, just a few boxes and tubs and most of her stuff is still in the house. She said she doesn't have the money for a storage unit and she says money is also the reason she hasn't filed for divorce. Then she cried when she left. 

I begged and pleaded her to come back until I found out she cheated and was living with him. Since then the contact has been minimal although I have told her I would take her back. I haven't spoke to her in over two weeks but I have sent her two emails. The first not being anything but contradicting some things she said while she was home and the second telling her I could forgive her and take her back. 

Everyone tells me I don't deserve her but I can't help it. I love her and would forgive her as stupid as it is. I'm also trying not to contact her but each day that passes it seems like there is a smaller chance she will ever return. Hence the emails. She is stubborn and will never admit she is wrong although I can tell what she has done is bothering her. I'm finding it hard to move on and I'm not sure what to do. Please, any help would be appreciated.
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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

I would be meeting with a lawyer and filing for divorce. I mean do you really want someone like this in your life?


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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

I keep telling myself that but then I still love her and would take her back as ridiculous as it sounds.
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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You say that because you miss her terribly now that she is gone, but if she were to come back to stay, I can assure you that the task of marital recovery would be a daunting task and she would have to bear the heavy lifting of the recovery which would include total transparency, a no contact letter to the OM, getting into IC (individual counseling). In other words, she would have to voluntarily accept that she would be on a very short leash for many months or years to come. On top of that, you would be subjected to the dreaded emotional roller coaster that the majority of us betrayed spouses go through. But if you truly want to try to get her back then you must let her go first. Read the links underneath my signature, especially the Just Let Them go and the 183 degrees rules.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

As much as you want to control your life, you have to accept the cards dealt to you. This is the reality, and the reality is that she left you for a scumbag and is living with him. She is a gonner. 

Obviously there is something massively wrong with her brain. The depression is only the tip of iceberg, IMO. A symptom of something much deeper. 

I know you still love her, but she is not all right. Marriage is for mature and healthy minds who understand the concept of commitment and who are capable of "adult" relationship. She is a bad news, and even if she comes back to you, you should not accept her. This woman needs a serious, serious psychiatric help! You cannot help her. You can be the most loving committed husband but that won't do a squat in this case. 

Accept that you picked the wrong woman for a wife and just move on. Life is short, and you will find a worthy woman soon, I bet.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Get a lawyer and file for divorce.

She has already made her choice.
I would do it quickly because as soon as the reality of her crappy situation hits her she'll be crawling back to you.
She won't be doing it out of love she'll be doing because she woke up and realized she messed her life up by going with this man.
She'll fall back on you for support until she does it again. Trust me, she will do it again as she's already decided you aren't good enough to be her first choice.

Divorce her now especially because she's financially strapped she won't be able to screw you over with her own lawyer.
Do it now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I can't imagine a greater hell than working at a day care and wanting kids of your own.

That being said, she's kind of gone off the deep end. More than just the affair, she's managed to torch her career and repuation as well.

You hold all the cards at the moment. But she's quite ill at the moment. There's no assurance that she can come back and job similar to her old one. Plus she's ran off once and no assurance she won't do that again in the future sticking you with a kid to raise solo and/or taking off with the kid / child support drama.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you told her parents and yours she has disappeared and is committing adultery , do not assume waywards are honest even with their own families. Track his ex wife down and let her know your wife is married and the OM has predated on your marriage . Find his friends and expose his adultery to them , people as a whole don't like adulterors so ensure you spread the good news to all who affect his life.

File now on grounds of adultery and let it be know to her you will be sue the OM for alienation of affection. You being a nice guy is not going to get her back. Wage war on him , life will be unpleasant for them it is time you ratcheted up the pressure . She can't afford to divorce , that's her problem. 

Don't beg , don't grovel , sitting back and hoping is going to cause you intense pain . Work on yourself , your morale and assume your wife is gone . If you don't understand your position here it is , your wife is gone !!!!!

The slim chance of getting her back is by being tough, firm in the boundaries and prepared to take action . A divorce can be cancelled , the affair can only be stopped if she stops it. What you do from now on decides if she loves you enough to come back, if you are going to be a doormat or are you are able to ride this storm and come out a better person either with her by yourside or moving on with life . 

The aim is let her fantasy die.
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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I made her tell her parents and his ex-wife already knows as well. I've thought about exposing it to his friends but haven't as of yet. I live in a no fault state so if I file the adultery means little and there is no alienation for affection in my state either. I have talked to my attorney several times in anticipation of her filing for divorce but she still hasn't filed. I just can't bring myself to file, not to mention I want her to pay for the filing.

I have been trying to work on me in the meantime. I've been going to church ever since she left and getting more involved in the church and I am back to my high school weight and in the best shape I have been in a long time. I've also reconnected with old friends and met a nice woman that I am in the beginnings of a relationship with. But unfortunately she is going through the same thing I am so we are both still hung up on our others.

I understand the chances of my wife coming back is slim to none and even if she did we would have a ton of work to get our marriage on track. But it is something I would be willing to do. I keep telling myself she isn't worth it and I deserve better but I still love her. 

I am going to try the 180 and continue to not be in contact with her, as hard as it is. I guess what harm can it do? She's already gone so it can't make things worse. I guess it is just hard for me to accept the reality of the situation.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

bearcat said:


> ..the second telling her I could forgive her and take her back.


Don't tell her this, every time she hears that it pushes her away more. She completely disrespected you and is screwing some other guy and you telling her you will take her back makes you look pathetic. Telling her you love her now and would take her back repulses her.

You telling her you are there for her is enabling her affair. She knows if things go south she has you to fall back on so she has no motivation to come back until the honeymoon stage if over.


> Everyone tells me I don't deserve her but I can't help it. I love her and would forgive her as stupid as it is.


It’s not stupid, it’s irrational.

She doesn’t love or respect you. She has lied and cheated on you and treats you like dirt, why would you want someone like that?

Your problem is you're not handling the rejection and you feel if you got her back then everything will be alright. It won’t, it would be worse than it is now. Once you get your self esteem back and you realize what was done to you then the anger will set in. 

Regardless of what you want you have to do the same thing, if not to get her back but to at least show you have a backbone. No more communicating with her and if she tries to contact you wait a day or so to respond, if ever. DO NOT give her the impression that she can come back at any time or that you are waiting on her. People want what they can't have and don't appreciate what comes easy. Don't be easy.

Odds are her R with the OM will fail in a few months. It will happen quicker if you are completely out of the picture and if you file for a divorce. The reality of the situation will hit her like a ton of bricks when she realizes that her safety net is gone. 

Do not play the nice guy, she is not worth it and you will hate yourself down the road for kissing the butt of someone that cheated on you.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Please read my story elsewhere on this forum. You and I are almost exactly in the same boat, only difference is I am about 2 months ahead of you. So sorry for your problems, get set for a rocky ride. I agree with others, you need to file for divorce NOW. To not do so gives her more control over you. Remember you can not control her the only person you can control is yourself. Stick with your exercise routine, and your church attendence (you really are like me) I know you love her, I love my stbxw as well. But mine is mentally ill, giving up a great home and 30 years of marriage like it was yesterdays trash. My stbxw told her mother that the OM was just a friend who was giving her a place to stay, because I kicked her out of the house. (When in fact at the beginning I asked her 3 times to consider R) Be prepared for her to act irrationally, to rewrite history that is the nature of the beast. Read and carefully consider what others post here as they know what they are talking about. Go for the 180, I am not convincened that it brings them back (I still wait for some sign from my stbxw that this is happening) but to limit contact with them will make it easier on you. Good luck and prayers to you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bearcat said:


> I understand the chances of my wife coming back is slim to none and even if she did we would have a ton of work to get our marriage on track. But it is something I would be willing to do. I keep telling myself she isn't worth it and I deserve better but I still love her.


Keep in mind that she is in what we call 'the fog' which is brought on by the same c*ktail of brain chemicals - oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin - that is created during the courting and honeymoon period of a relationship. There is a fascinating article titled *The Brain in Love and Lust* by John McManamy. Read the following excerpt to get an idea of what I'm talking about.



> *The brain science of sex and love and attraction.* by John McManamy
> 
> In a study published in 2002, anthropologist Helen Fisher PhD of Rutgers University and a multi-disciplinary team of experts recruited 40 young people madly in love - half with love returned, the other half with love rejected - and put them into an MRI with a photo of their sweetheart and one of an acquaintance. Each subject looked at the sweetheart photo for 30 seconds, then - after a diversion task - at the acquaintance photo for another 30 seconds. They switched back and forth for 12 minutes.
> 
> ...


So as you can see, your wife for the moment is addicted to the OM. No amount of reason or begging on your part will work and will more likely backfire on you. ONLY SHE can decide to break her addiction to the OM by consciously choosing to end all contact with him forever. It has to be HER decision.

But if you are one of those folks that believes he has the love and patience of the Bibles's Job then the best thing you can do is to put the burden of fulfilling ALL of her emotional needs on the OM. This can be accomplished by you 'going dark' - avoiding all unnecessary contact or conversation with her - and following the 180 degrees rules and especially rule #1 *Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore* 



> I am going to try the 180 and continue to not be in contact with her, as hard as it is. I guess what harm can it do? She's already gone so it can't make things worse. I guess it is just hard for me to accept the reality of the situation.


WARNING: The 180 degrees rules IS NOT a tool to manipulate your wife to end her affair, come back to you and be willing to do the heavy lifting required for marital recovery. *IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you, the betrayed spouse, to become emotionally strong so that you will be able to move on with your life with or without her.*


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> WARNING: The 180 degrees rules ARE NOT a tool to manipulate your wife to end her affair, come back to you and be willing to do the heavy lifting required for marital recovery. IT IS an emotional empowerment tool to help you, the betrayed spouse, to become emotionally strong so that you will be able to move on with your life with or without her.


:iagree::iagree:
I should have made this clear... Thanks M,


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Do not put off going to the lawyer. Just letting things stay the way they are is enabling the affair. You need to prepare to move on. At the very least you need to protect yourself.


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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

I have set an appointment with my attorney for next week when I will start the divorce process. And I'm not going to contact her and go "dark" after telling her to get the remainder of her stuff out of the house. Then I will try to move on and keep bettering myself and see what happens. It all sounds good in writing, I just hope I am strong enough to do it. Thanks for all the advice. I appreciate it.
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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

During the depression and the A fog, something snapped inside her, and she just did not know how to handle the situation and decided to just walk away from all without facing the reality. Her leaving all her possessions and work proves that. I don't think she has the mindset of filing D even at this point. She locked herself in a state of "inaction". 

At this point, you are right to take the initiative to file for D. I don't think this will awkaken her by any means, but there seems no other course of action available to you. Just move on.


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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

I have a lot of people telling me I need to expose the affair. I know my wife doesn't want me to "air her business" but if I do expose it then it seems it may make reconciliation impossible. She is already embarrassed to talk to the people who know and face anyone here. That's one reason she is over 2 1/2 hours away where she knows virtually nobody. I could tell the OM's ex but I'm not sure what good that would do and I don't know any of his friends or family. What are the thoughts on this? Is this something that would help or should I just let things run their course as I file for divorce and have no contact? I'm really confused as to what to do about this.
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bearcat said:


> Everyone tells me I don't deserve her but I can't help it.


No, you have it backwards. She doesn't deserve you. You have one last chance, and that is to expose the affair to all.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31786-expose-not-expose-question.html

At first she'll be outraged/shamed, but the exposure will put added pressure on the affair and make it more uncomfortable. If she's remorseful, exposure will not affect her. If she doesn't come back from the fog, you will have lost nothing because you've lost her already. You may have to face the fact that this old HS boyfriend is the love of her life and nothing you can do will change her view. Continue with the 180 as if she's not coming back, the 180 is for you to gain strength so you can move forward, with or without her.

IMHO, you have no kids together. Kick her to the curb. You will find a woman that you can be proud of and have children with. This affair where she up and abandoned you for a high school fantasy shows you her true character. This is not the type of woman that you want to have as a mother to your future kids.


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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

How do I go about exposing and to who? They live over 2 hours away and I don't know any of the people they know. I can contact the OM's ex-wife and I could write a letter to his job telling them of the 100s of texts he was sending to her for months during working hours that I have proof of but that is it as far as him. Both mine and my wife's parents and most of our friends know already.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bearcat. You are way past exposure. She is gone and living with him. This isn't a secret affair at all. It is a cheating wife who has abandoned her marriage and hone. 

You need to divorce her. You need to do this to protect yourself legally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

File for divorce. Seriously. Have her served with papers and protect yourself an start moving on with your life.

She left you for another man and is living with him. Why on earth are you emailing her/contacting her to beg her to come back? Do you know how weak that looks to her? She thinks "Doormat" when you do that. She thinks"this guy is a cling-on who can get kicked in the face and keep coming back for more." Continue down the path you are on and she will lost every single ounce of respect she has left for you.

Women do not love men who they don't respect. It's impossible.

Start standing up for yourself. You DO deserve better than someone who's going to hightail it out of town and shack up with some dude. She's twisted in the head if she left even her job on top of all of this.

You are worth more. 

Protect yourself.


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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

I completely understand about needing to file for divorce and have set up the appointment with my attorney for next week. But I do still love my wife even after all she has done and hold out a slim hope we can reconcile which is why I was asking about exposing her A.

I realize I look weak to her at times by sending emails but since I found out about her affair I have not asked her to come back once. I have told her that I was still willing to work on the marriage but never once begged or pleaded for her to come home after I found out about the affair. I have not spoken to her 3 weeks and no email in 2 weeks. I am trying to move on as best I can and make all the right decisions (with the great help of the advice here) with my well-being first on my priority list. However, like I said, I still love my wife even after all she has done and is doing.
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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I commend you on you're taking control of the situation. You filing for divorce may be the best thing for your marriage. Now you require her to get off the fence. At least you will know, one way or the other, and can adjust your response to her based on how she responds to the papers.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Exactly!!


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## bearcat (Sep 19, 2011)

After visiting with my attorney I haven't filed for divorce yet because of our impending bankruptcy. Since we have no children the lawyer encouraged me to do the bankruptcy first before worrying about divorce proceedings. Still I have had no contact with her since since Labor Day weekend while working on the 180 and just let them go while continuing to work on myself. Still it has been extremely hard not to pick up the phone and call or text, especially with our anniversary coming on Monday. While I wouldn't send a gift or anything part of me at least wants to acknowledge the day and see how she is while another part of me just wants to ignore it and see how she handles it.
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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

bearcat said:


> While I wouldn't send a gift or anything part of me at least wants to acknowledge the day and see how she is while another part of me just wants to ignore it and see how she handles it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ignore, it will send a message that you are detaching from her and will hit her ego pretty hard. Being the nice guy in these situations just make you look pathetic to them. Let her break first and make the first contact then take your time responding (assuming you have to respond). Believe me, she is thinking about you more than you think and she will be expecting you to do something on that day. Not doing anything will surprise her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do not acknowledge the day. She left you and is living with another man.

F her.

NO contact, you understand???


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you can do it, go out of town on a mini vacation. Do something you've been wanting to do for a long time. The point is to replace the painful anniversary day into a day of personal pleasure doing something enjoyable. Get your emotional batteries recharged so you can move on with your life.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

An anniversary present? You mean like a roadkill possum stuffed in her mailbox with one of her necklaces as a collar? 

Or is that just me?


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Grow some stones and get er done Shes toast


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bearcat said:


> Still it has been extremely hard not to pick up the phone and call or text, especially with our anniversary coming on Monday. While I wouldn't send a gift or anything part of me at least wants to acknowledge the day and see how she is while another part of me just wants to ignore it and see how she handles it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As difficult as this day is going to be, it should be a no brainer. She certainly isn't going to be thinking of you on that day, in fact, probably the opposite. Face it, she's living with the OM. There's nothing wrong with feeling down on that day, it's normal because you're mourning the death of the marriage. Continue the 180 and work on detaching. The 180 is for YOU.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Do something for yourself. Something real special.


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