# new guy here glad i found this website



## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

been thinking about divorce for about 3 yrs now

42 yrs old 2 kids,wife makes double and then some of my salary,already talked to a lwayer and she said i could get $700-$800/mo for child support with 50/50 custody and maybe a couple hundred per mo for a few yrs for spousal support

I live in PA a no fault state

was just playing around when i met my wife 2 weeks later she got pregnant,there wasn't really a strong physical attraction to her i stuck around to raise the kid and then 3yrs later a 2nd kid came along we only got married because i joined the national guards and needed the extra money from married housing pay bla bla bla justice of the peace marriage here we are 12 yrs later

the wife put on a lot of weight and was about 300lbs for the past 5 yrs or more she claims to have recently lost 35 lbs--I don't see it--its all disgusting to me

her weight isn't even the main problem--she is cold hearted and manly,cares more about her job her laptop and food than she does about me or the kids, I've been pretty much stuck on 3rd shift for the past 14 yrs so we never had to pay for child care,but I'm miserable on 3rd and everytime i talk about going to dayshift she says "what about the kids"

about 4 yrs ago i really really hated my job and wanted to quit--she flat out said no even though she was making good enough money to support us both over the yrs she has gotten plenty of raises and then promotions went from $7.50/hr back in 1996 to know over $42/hr

I told her IF the roles were reversed and I loved my job and was making lots of money and IF she hated her job I would let her quit---she says with a straight face "oh I know you would" so WTF

past few yrs I've had some medical issues nothing major but they scared me and when I tried talking to her about it she simply would say "go get it checked" most recent was I had appendicitis and i was in agony for about 18hrs ---I thought it was food poisening and maybe it would pass,i wasn't in my right mind should have went to the hospital sooner---she never gave any sympathy just said "well I better sleep on the couch" because I was groaning in pain and going to the bathroom every 10 minutes to throw up


sex life has been terrible and she just says that after the 2nd kid was born she has no interest in sex---and yes people I know what I'm doing and I am very good at pleasing her but thats the problem she will just lay there and have orgasm after orgasm but then she barely participates --its just crazy she has no interest in satisfying me

the past yr and 1/2 I have had sex with other women and its amazing that normal women do enjoy sex and are not cold hearted



so anyway we talk about divorce all the time and all she says is its cheaper to keep me and she doesn't want to pay me


over the yrs when the kids were little she would say i could keep the kids and the house then as they got older she says I can keep the boy and she will keep the girl because the boy doesn't listen to her

why the hell do i stay the house is a mess, she barely cooks and the sex is terible--that is when we have it---sometimes we don't for 9months or more

guess I'm just scarred to leave--don't want my kids to hate me


thanks for reading


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So was there a specific question? Or just venting? How old are your kids? 

And you're currently cheating on your spouse? If so, I'd recommend either giving that up, or ending your marriage.

Staying together "for the kids" seems like the wrong thing in many situations... All you're doing is teaching that a dysfunctional marriage is acceptable. And your wife has no reason to change because as far as I can see, you complain about things but never do anything about it.

C


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Time to leave. You already did mentally. Might as well make it official.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Oh man....
Been there done that (without ALL the details being the same)
If you're worried, do all the research you can, you've already consulted an attorney, so that's good. 

Have you spoken to her about how you're feeling?


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

the screwing around has stopped,felt way too guilty all the time!

thats what really bothers me about the wife we do communicate about everything and she just says she doesn't care,isn't gonna change for me or the best 1 that I've heard for a long long time "if you don't like it there's the door" she used to say that 1 all the time until 2008 when I said go ahead and say it again and I will--that **** pisses me off I have never threatened to leave I am always willing to talk about everything

in some ways she is a great woman but I feel alone all the time there is no affection

even when the kids try to get close she shrugs them off gets a mean voice and says get off me--not all the time but it happens a lot

she made more divorce comments the other day saying it will happen when the youngest kid turns 18 I said why wait? and she just ignored me and continued playing her games on her phone 

the kids are 11 and 14 soon to be 12 and 15 in a few months


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

unfortunately it is real

I was battling some deep depression and she didn't even notice sleeping 10-12hrs /day she didn't care never asked if anything was wrong,thats what lead me to going out and cheating I was on the verge of suicide until 1 day I said **** it and started going out to the bars and met some old highschool friends on facebook

still not 100% over being depressed,don't seem to enjoy anything anymore

I think 3rd shift is 1 of the main problems in my life, coworkers discuss feeling the same way,but its a state job great benefits OK pay its hard to walk away from the time I have and I can retire in 12 yrs with full benefits or retire in 7 with healthcare not paid for

going to 1st shift here at my current job is not an option--I would end up in jail because the inmates and staff are *******s and the program is too soft and allows the inmates to get away with way too much


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

anyone have advice?

I'm thinking the appendicitis and the lack of sympathy could be the final straw


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## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

You shouldn't of had cheated, now it's adultery and if she found out, you might be out of getting money depending on your judge. That's a violation of the marriage contract. At first I thought you were just being mean because you brought of the weight and that she got pregnant quickly, but after that, she does sound mean. My husband, although we have our BIG problems right now too, has never wanted me working somewhere that I'm not happy. I stay beacuse I feel guilty that i'm not helping, but the idea that he is willing to take care of me, is nice. 

I come from parents that couldn't work it out because my father cheated on my mom for so long. my mom was always there physically, mentally and emotionalyl for my sis and me, so we let our father go long before he left us. Your kids know what goes on in the house. they aren't dumb. if you think you are their favorite parent when you compare how they behave with you and with her, you probably are... Don't worry about that. Don't cheat on their mom though because they do hold that type of resentment, I know. I love my dad, but not nearly as much as the women he left behind to raise two kids by herself. 

I honestly hope you find some happiness... If I were you, I would go back to that lawyer and see about pressing on with the divorce... you are old enough to where the kids don't need you guys to be together anymore. My kids are under five and look for us both day after day... eventually that stops (from my own experience of course). 

Get what you can out of her, if you absolutely have to, if not make it easy on yourselves and leave without needing her. do you have someone in your family to fall back on?

Good Luck with everything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Next time, use condoms when you are "just playing around" and just cause you knock someone up doesn't mean you should marry them. 

If you want out, go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vmax said:


> *sex life has been terrible *and she just says that after the 2nd kid was born she has no interest in sex---and yes people I know what I'm doing and I am very good at pleasing her but thats the problem she will just lay there and have orgasm after orgasm but then she barely participates --its just crazy she has no interest in satisfying me
> 
> *the past yr and 1/2 I have had sex with other women and its amazing that normal women do enjoy sex and are not cold hearted*
> 
> ...


Oh. How did I miss this point?

Well, my advice is to be a man and tell your wife that you have been sleeping with other women for almost 2 years now so she can get tested for STDs and file for divorce. You don't love her.

Don't lie to your kids though. If they ask, tell them straight up what you have done and want to do. They deserve the truth, after all. As does she.

You don't have to wait for her to file or agree to a divorce. Just file and be done. And get tested for STDs yourself.


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

the cheating happened a couple times and yes I was careful and yes I have been tested

I doubt the kids see me as the favorite,I'm the 1 who makes them be nice to each other and I make them do chores around the house,they do get allowance and the cell phone bill alone should make them ok with doing dishes and laundry

I'm the parent and the wife is their friend who lets them do whatever they want


and thanks for the great advice about just telling her I've cheated LOL yeah I'll go ahead and do that:rofl:

I live in a no fault state so even IF she would find out about the cheating it wouldn't matter


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Man somewhere on here today there's another thread that suggest asking the question "what's in it for me?" Based on your post it sounds like the answer to that is nothing. 

Why are you asking her permission? To sit down and discuss major decisions like where one spouse works is normal, but to be "told flat out no!!" She's not working there you are, it's ultimately not her decision and she's not discussing it with you - she gave you an order. There's a huge difference between asking permission and asking for an opinion. You don't need her permission to do anything other than leave the country with your kids, but especially not to change jobs or even get divorced. 

I can't give advice on whether someone should get divorced or not, but I suggest pushing back a little - no I suggest pushing back A LOT!


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

This is all sort of screwed up... you don't love her, you say you do all these things for her, you make yourself out to look like prince charming (except that cheating part, which you clearly justified)... You want to make sure she pays you ... 

Just get out, don't worry about money, you sound just like her.. maybe you deserve each other?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I don't see the cheating as justified. I think it breaks the marriage contract and if you don't love her you should walk away with 50/50 custody, her paying for childcare while you get to work during the day once again. I'm also curious as to why your kids need full time care as their ages are up there. By 14 your child should be responsible enough to babysit other kids never-mind themselves.

I absolutely don't think she should pay spousal support if you've chosen to cheat and of course you won't tell her. You're a coward. On one hand, she grosses you out physically but on the other hand you're annoyed that she doesn't want to pleasure you while you're apparently a complete animal in the bedroom. I don't buy it.

Maybe she recognizes your complete indifference to her that began the day you married her only because she was pregnant and continued every day thereafter.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

vmax said:


> and thanks for the great advice about just telling her I've cheated LOL yeah I'll go ahead and do that:rofl:


I love that you're laughing about it. If you're so proud of what you did and absolutely don't want to be with her, why not just be a real man and tell hre the truth and leave her? Instead of hiding behind excuses and lies? Why not just own what you did? 

I don't understand, I guess...if you're so unhappy, why not just get a divorce and all it a day? 



Trenton said:


> I absolutely don't think she should pay spousal support if you've chosen to cheat and of course you won't tell her.* You're a coward*. On one hand, she grosses you out physically but on the other hand you're annoyed that she doesn't want to pleasure you while you're apparently a complete animal in the bedroom. I don't buy it.


Totally agree.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I love that you're laughing about it. If you're so proud of what you did and absolutely don't want to be with her, why not just be a real man and tell hre the truth and leave her? Instead of hiding behind excuses and lies? Why not just own what you did?
> 
> I don't understand, I guess...if you're so unhappy, why not just get a divorce and all it a day?
> 
> ...


The guy has a long way to go.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

Trenton said:


> I don't see the cheating as justified.


Trenton, I was being sarcastic when I said that he justified it. In his mind he has justified it tho.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I don't see the cheating as justified. I think it breaks the marriage contract and if you don't love her you should walk away with 50/50 custody, her paying for childcare while you get to work during the day once again. I'm also curious as to why your kids need full time care as their ages are up there. By 14 your child should be responsible enough to babysit other kids never-mind themselves.
> 
> I absolutely don't think she should pay spousal support if you've chosen to cheat and of course you won't tell her. You're a coward. On one hand, she grosses you out physically but on the other hand you're annoyed that she doesn't want to pleasure you while you're apparently a complete animal in the bedroom. I don't buy it.
> 
> Maybe she recognizes your complete indifference to her that began the day you married her only because she was pregnant and continued every day thereafter.


No way this story is real. We've been Marco'd.


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

awesome a place where I can be called names

unless you've walked a mile in my shoes F-U


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So did you tell your wife yet? Or are you still keeping the truth from her? 

I'm not sure what it is that you're looking for? The advice is simple......if you want out, go. Just don't lie about why. 

If you're so unhappy, leave. Yes, it really is that simple. Millions of people do it every single day.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

vmax said:


> awesome a place where I can be called names
> 
> unless you've walked a mile in my shoes F-U



Sounds like you need to point some of that at your wife????


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So did you tell your wife yet? Or are you still keeping the truth from her?
> 
> I'm not sure what it is that you're looking for? The advice is simple......if you want out, go. Just don't lie about why.
> 
> If you're so unhappy, leave. Yes, it really is that simple. Millions of people do it every single day.



sounds pretty simple doesn't it

just worried that the kids will resent me for it and worried that my 3rd shift job would result in less than 50/50 custody


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds simple because it is simple.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

vmax said:


> awesome a place where I can be called names
> 
> unless you've walked a mile in my shoes F-U


vmax, I think you've been met with an unfair amount of hostility because a lot of us on the site have been the ones whose spouses did the cheating, and we know how deep that betrayal hurts so it can honestly be hard to accept someone who openly admits to an affair to this board but not to his spouse.

Anyways, if you truly care about your wife, you have to decide first for yourself what YOU want in life, to continue with your marriage or not (because it sounds like your wife isn't going to make that decision herself or for you) - if you are going to continue you really need to improve it and that means honesty, though at this point it sounds pretty bleak that you and your W could make it work. If you truly don't want to be married than you also need to be honest about it and do the right thing and end it, though in your circumstance I don't think anything positive would come out of telling her you've slept with other people... just move along, let her down as graciously as possible, let the finances settle where they may you just have to take control of the things you have control over.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

I disagree, if you have cheated on her you owe it to her to know. If you care at all for her you should let her know if for no other reason than to be tested. 

I still can't get over how you are looking to try and make money out of this situation. If you don't love her and you don't want to be in the relationship anymore just give it up. Be a man and be honest. Don't try and take her to the cleaners. The fact remains that you sound perfect for each other.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Agreed that if she wants the truth she deserves it, but some people just can't always deal with the truth. There is no point trying to hurt her with it if he's planning to leave her anyway... if she needs an explanation the real cause wasn't the infidelity, though it was not justified and it was destructive to the marriage, but in my mind, if she is truly oblivious to the affairs as well as the reality of the marriage then she won't be capable of processing his affair in any kind of meaningful or purposeful way. Ideally, vmax will go his way graciously and when W is ready she will ask questions to which he should truthfully respond so that she can get on with her life too.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

Lon said:


> Agreed that if she wants the truth she deserves it, but some people just can't always deal with the truth. There is no point trying to hurt her with it if he's planning to leave her anyway... if she needs an explanation the real cause wasn't the infidelity, though it was not justified and it was destructive to the marriage, but in my mind, if she is truly oblivious to the affairs as well as the reality of the marriage then she won't be capable of processing his affair in any kind of meaningful or purposeful way. Ideally, vmax will go his way graciously and when W is ready she will ask questions to which he should truthfully respond so that she can get on with her life too.


If he cheated, what if he got infected with something and doesn't know? Doesn't she have a right as a human to know what she could be exposed to? He should let her know, its the right thing to do. Also maybe something this hard hitting might be a wake up call and they will see that it is worth saving.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

incognitoman said:


> If he cheated, what if he got infected with something and doesn't know? Doesn't she have a right as a human to know what she could be exposed to? He should let her know, its the right thing to do. Also maybe something this hard hitting might be a wake up call and they will see that it is worth saving.


Yeah you are right on this, I was under a blind assumption that sex life was non-existent, I absolutely agree if he's commencing any kinds of sexual activity with his wife then by hiding his extramarital activity he is violating his wife and her health - big no no. If thats the case I withdraw my comment.


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## vmax (Jun 1, 2011)

lots of advice to think about

no worries on the STD's


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lon said:


> Agreed that if she wants the truth she deserves it, but some people just can't always deal with the truth.
> 
> if she is truly oblivious to the affairs as well as the reality of the marriage then she won't be capable of processing his affair in any kind of meaningful or purposeful way.


I disagree with this. She has a right to know the truth about what really happened in her marriage. People CAN handle the truth, no matter how ugly it is. A lot of times I think folks don't THINK the other person can handle the truth but that's not true at all. 

As someone who was completely blind-sided when my husband told me he cheated, I can tell you first can she IS capable of processing the affair in a "meaningful and purposeful way." It's liberating to know the truth. It fills in lots of holes and makes you not feel like a dummy for knowing wth is going on.


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