# It`s happening again .........



## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Around December 2009, discovered wife had two consecutive EA`s, first was constant texting and sending dirty photos and videos, the 2nd was more text messages, phone calls and they met for a coffee. I was devastated, how could she does this,caused me problems at work with time off as too upset to concentrate etc.

We talked things out and she decided to stop contact with this man, she was adamant she didn`t want to but eventually she did.

Move forward to a week ago and she tells me that her feelings for me have changed (it`s not me but her) etc. I asked her if there was anyone else but no, no,no was the answer.
Eventually she admitted she was in contact with the same bloke again, been thinking of him ever since. She said she tried with me but things werent working out (unfortunately, my wife never discusses feelings or problems with me even though I am really easy going and a good listener).

I was able to read some of her text messages and pathetically childish they are, she`s never loved anyone like she loves him etc, utter rubbish.

I`ve old her she is living in a fantasy world, having those kind of nonsense feeling s for someone she was at school with 25 years.
He is married with children which he won`t leave.

We have had numerous conversations about her throwing our marriage away, going into financial ruin, children being broken up etc.

But she really likes him, wants to keep in contact, she sits reading his messages and texts in front of me downstairs in bed etc.

Well two days ago after numerous chats and lot`s of intimacy between us, she tells me she is willing to give it a go with me, can`t say whether she will contact him again or not, she wants to do it a day at a time. I can`t ask her if she is contacting him as she blows up and says that all these questions will push her away.

She has always been really possessive which is the complete opposite to me, she said she`s not bothered who I talk to etc.
I decide that I don`t want to be on my own and start looking at dating sites and all of a sudden she can`t stay in the same room as me. She also looks at my phone and blows up over a conversation I had with a female former co-worker.

She has now said she can`t accept I might try to contact other women etc??

I want to give it a go with her but know I`m setting myself up for a fall again.

I`m an idiot, I love her but she can`t help herself.

Any thoughts other than I`m a prat for staying with her?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like she has little respect for you and you're allowing it to continue. It's certainly your choice but don't expect things to be much different in the future.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Most of the advice you will receive is to set up a me or him sitation immediately. File for divorce and hand her the papers. There is no room for her just wanting to try and work it out with you. There is either you or him. Anything less is her just throwing you off her trail with false reconciliation so she can continue to get after the other guy. She wasn't able to stop before, why should you believe her now?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you exposed it to the OMW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Nope no other thoughts apart from the one you pointed out so clearly in your last sentence come to mind at this moment.

Get out of the marriage.

Man stop living on scraps, she isn't doing you a favour by staying with you. You're a Nice Guy.

Read this

And ask yourself these two questions, WHY DO I LOVE THIS WOMAN? WHAT HAS SHE CONTRIBUTED TO MY LIFE?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

get your proof and tell the OMW now

also please read the newbie link in my signature


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Read about the 180. Notice how she is getting jealous when she realizes that you have other choices? The problem is she does not have respect for you. You put her on a pedestal and she lost respect and attraction for you. She needs to realize that might lose you. Start divorce talk. 

And inform this guy's wife.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Ummm.. she's rubbing it on your face and why are you still with her?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Do you really want to be with someone who is so secretive and emotionally unavailable to you? Who basically stays with you as a security blanket and only stops occasionally contacting the OM because he won't leave his family?

Have you told the OMW? Have you been to individual counseling to figure out why you choose to stay with someone who can't be a true life partner?

Please read No More Mr. Nice Guy and stop accepting second best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sadman said:


> Around December 2009, discovered wife had two consecutive EA`s, first was constant texting and sending dirty photos and videos, the 2nd was more text messages, phone calls and they met for a coffee. I was devastated, how could she does this,caused me problems at work with time off as too upset to concentrate etc.
> 
> We talked things out and she decided to stop contact with this man, she was adamant she didn`t want to but eventually she did.
> 
> ...


No, mate. Not a prat. Unless by prat we mean a good bloke, a kind, loving spouse blindsided by a wayward spouse who has gone loopy... 

We are here for you...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Stay with her if you are ok with living in an open marriage. One sided open marriage.

She was unfaithful to you. maybe stopped for a while and then did it again. As far as you know. But she does not value you enough to remain faithful. Even tells you so.

You can do better. Do the 180 and move on. Find someone who deserves your attentions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Why are you surprised that this is happening again? Seriously? This has been going on for over 2 and a half years now and you refuse to do anything about it and you allow your WW to manipulate you. These are *YOUR* posts: 

_02-25-2010, 01:52 PM_


Sadman said:


> Hello all
> 
> Back in the middle of December, I found out my wife had been talking to some man she knew from school on Facebook. They had been texting and phoning each other constantly for four weeks and had met once for coffee, with a 2nd meeting scuppered once I`d found out.
> 
> ...


_06-03-2010, 11:57 AM_


Sadman said:


> Almost six months after finding out about my wifes two online affairs, she has now admitted sending pictures of her private parts to another man, the first one.
> 
> When I say admitted, I called her bluff for the second time and she finally admitted what I thought had happened.
> 
> ...


_11-01-2010, 01:36 PM_


Sadman said:


> This timer last year my wife was addicted to Facebook and was having an online affir with some man before shortlly starting with another man.
> 
> Found out in December, nearly ruined our marriage but things have positively progressed since all came out.
> 
> Facebook is crap


_11-05-2010, 12:06 PM_


Sadman said:


> This mirrors pretty much what happened to me around 11 months ago.
> My wife was on Facebook talking to another man, developed into texts and phone calls and then she finally met up with him.
> I was so upset, when she was found out she denied anything had gone on and they were just friends.
> 
> ...


_11-18-2010, 12:12 PM_


Sadman said:


> Not a fan of Facebook, too many temptations for the weak minded. My wife casualy looked at it, then it became regular to the point of obsession. Consequently, she started talking to an old school friend which resulted in texts, phone calls and a meet for coffee to which I found out and stopped all such bull***t.
> 
> She was lonely, I didn`t pay her much attention, needed someone to talk to, did nothing wrong, she still thinks she did nothing wrong, nearly ruined our marriage, major major upset.
> 
> Facebook is crap


And this post in particular shows exactly why you fail and why you continue to have False Rs.

_03-01-2010, 11:02 AM_


Sadman said:


> My wife has been in floods of tears today, she is now really worried that she has ruined our marriage, I`ve never seen her so upset, it breaks my heart.


You are very easily manipulated by your WW. She plays the victim card, which is so very very common. She sheds some crocodile tears and you are instantly convinced of her remorse. She is manipulating you perfectly. All she has to do is say she's sorry and cry. So instead you direct your anger towards Facebook and the OM, instead of looking at the real problem: Your WW. 

Wake up! Stop rugsweeping and letting her manipulate you! Don't you think you've been played long enough?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You still have love for her, concerned about her finances. She just does not care about you, the marriage and family.
You want to contine like this till the end?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

As long as this man is in her life and heart, she will never return to you emotionally.

As long as you allow her to walk all over your boundaries she will never stop the EA.

If you want to save the marriage you will have to play for keeps and demand she end it or you'll end the marriage. And have a plan ready to see that she does it. Then you need to be emotionally prepared to do it, demand divorce if she refuses. Until you do this there will not be any recovery, only lies, deception, denials and failure. She's already tipped her hand.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and when amp says that, you better listen


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What I've decided is that some loyal spouses don't fully love *themselves*. They believe they deserve to stay with someone emotionally abusive. They don't have good points of comparison, so they can't imagine what genuine love from a life partner looks like. Heartbreaking but just like cheaters, loyal spouses in denial have to take the first step and CHOOSE self-respect; no one else can give it to them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I want to say how sorry I am for you. This is terrible! But, not in the way you are probably thinking. It's terrible because you have let it happen. It's terrible because you don't respect yourself enough to stop it.

You are not to blame for your wife's infidelity. That's on her 100% You are to blame for allowing it to continue. 

You have already been told what needs to be done. I don't know what you think you are saving. You don't have a marriage right now. You are just the support mechanism for your wife and her affair partner.

File for divorce. You wife is confident you will put up with the status quo because you have already proven you will. Nothing short of filling and serving her is going to wake her up. Trust me. I've been there.

Quite frankly, I wouldn't even waste my time trying to save this; but there is no way you are going to save it with out being willing to let her go.

Please read the man up threads and practice the 180. You might even want to go down to Walmart and buy some balls. 

(red rubber ones as a symbolic ritual)

Anyway, the only person who can help you is you. You don't need anymore advise or information. You know everything you need to know. 

It's like an old joke I use with my management team at the office: 5 frogs are sitting on a log and 4 decide to jump off. How many frogs are sitting on the log? 

Five, because deciding is not the same as doing. It's just the first step.

Take the first step and *decide* that you are worthy of better than this. *Decide* that you are going to do something about it. *Decide* that even though reconciliation is a possibility, that you are willing to let her go to have the life you deserve.

Decide to jump off this log and than do it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Sadman said:


> I`m an idiot, I love her but she can`t help herself.
> 
> Any thoughts other than I`m a prat for staying with her?




Can't or won't? 

If she spent half as much time investing in you as she did the married man she wouldn't be "confused"

And you will be a prat if you don't lay down an ultimatum.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Sadman said:


> But she really likes him, wants to keep in contact, she sits reading his messages and texts in front of me downstairs in bed etc.


 Wow, you let her cheat on you right in front of you. No wonder she does not feel the same way about you that she once did. This shows that you are now officially her doormat. No one respects a doormat. Without respect there can be no love. 



Sadman said:


> She has now said she can`t accept I might try to contact other women etc??


 If you talk to other woman you might learn that there are women out there that would love to treat you with respect. Once you taste respect from another woman, it would not be long before you stop being her doormat and move on with your life.

The only reason she is still with you is because the other man (OM) will not leave his wife and children for her. You are her backup plan and she has let you know it. It may be too late but the best chance at saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end the marriage and mean it. Once you man up and lay down the law of either him or you, she will have to stop cake eating. She will not want to stop cake eating because cake eating is fun. Because of your official doormat status, she will call your bluff, so be willing to file for divorce on the spot if she does not agree to drop the OM completely right now. No compromises or giving her time, right now means right now, and completely means completely. If she does not stop the divorce then you have your answer. The marriage was over and now you finally know it for sure. The reality is that if she picks the other man over your marriage, then it is better for you and your children if you move on now. There is someone out there for you that will love you and put you first. Someone that will show you the respect as a person that you need to thrive and be happy. Someone that will allow you the dignity as a person that will allow your children to respect you (you will need this respect as they get older). 

Stop making it about what your wife thinks and feels. What you think and feel matters too. Do not ask for respect, demand it. Respect, real respect is not given, it is taking. Take back your dignity, your children are watching. They need to have a father worth respecting.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Insanity= doing the same thing but expecting a different result.

So, it's OK for he to read and txt him in BED next to you, but not for you to txt a coworker and old GF.,, the next time she gives your nads back, call old GF and make a date in front of her. Then help her pack.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

TRy said:


> Wow, you let her cheat on you right in front of you. No wonder she does not feel the same way about you that she once did. This shows that you are now officially her doormat. No one respects a doormat. *Without respect there can be no love.*


 This is the concept that you needed to internalize in childhood. If you believe that you did do that when you were young, you need to think back to a time that you were still this way, before you _allowed_ her to beat you down emotionally.

Whether true or not, she sees the OM as virile, strong, tough. Someone who doesn't take sh*t from anyone. Chances are this is a total fabrication on her part, because he's likely a ch*cken sh*t who is scared of losing his family. But he's not so scared as to engage in an affair, because cheaters count on loyal spouses being ashamed and intimidated into collaborating and enabling their secrets. Take that power away from them and you are back in the driver's seat, just like that.

Has anyone suggested No More Mr. Nice Guy to you yet? (ETA, oops, I think a couple of people did, including me....!) It is for people who allow others to walk all over them. It provides guidelines for you to start commanding the respect you deserve.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

have you ever thought of just turning her phone off???:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Sadman said:


> Any thoughts other than I`m a prat for staying with her?


I got nothing.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I think it's just a dogpile at this point people. He's been here before and didnt' listen. LordMayhem, excellent job on the reporting work by the way. Don't know how you do what you do but keep doing it. Regardless if he does stick around he'll be in Going through divorce or separation next crying about how she finally left and he just doesn't understand why since he let her do whatever she wanted.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Any thoughts other than I`m a prat for staying with her?


 There's nothing we can advice you: You are been facing this for so long, no matter how much you spin round there are no more that two roads: Accept she's going to cheat on you (as you have been doing) or put your foot down, risk your marriage in order to save it. That's the path you chose to ignore since DDay1: Breaking dealbreakers = you file.

It's not you don't know where to find them. I'm going to put them again for you:
The 180 degree rules
Just Let Them Go
No More Mr Nice Guy

Man, grow a set.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Sadman should be adapted to his infidelity situation by now that I think this is the lifestyle he is comfortable with.

A variation on the boiling frog syndrome?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You let her walk all over you, countless times. I'm surprised you are surprised that this happened again. You should have been expecting it.
She's a serial cheater and she won't change. You don't respect yourself enough to give this an end so why do you expect her to respect you? 

She's the one who cheated;
She's the one who wants time to think;
She's the one who puts the timeline for when things might get better between you;
She's the one who can do whatever she wants, with whoever, everywhere;
She's the one who says "Do as I say. Don't do what I do"
She's the one controlling your marriage and manipulating you in every possible way.

Where are you in all this mess? Where's your say? Where's your attitude??
You are invisible.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Insanity= doing the same thing but expecting a different result.
> 
> So, it's OK for he to read and txt him in BED next to you, but not for you to txt a coworker and old GF.,, the next time she gives your nads back, call old GF and make a date in front of her. Then help her pack.


Since you can't put your foot down and state your NUTs, then you may consider surfing dating sites looking for a romantic adventure. 

Find someone younger than her, more sexual looking (if possible) then show it to her and say that you have arranged for an initial date next week, and if she thinks it's a downgrade or upgrade.

You can also just chat openly with likeminded women, smiling and giggling while you sit with your wife watching TV. This one (in a more radical version) worked for me. Snapped her right out of her desires.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Insanity= doing the same thing but expecting a different result.
> 
> So, it's OK for he to read and txt him in BED next to you, but not for you to txt a coworker and old GF.,, the next time she gives your nads back, *call old GF and make a date in front of her*. T*hen help her pack*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Sadman, reading your posts from the past, if you were my best friend in the whole world, i would sit you down in a chair, then slap your face so hard you would fall down from it. Cuz you need it...

She is using you as a prop. She rubs her affair in your face and you take it laying down. And you have concerns about her well being and whatever?

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

It's not happening again. It is still happening and has been since 2009.

You must be an emotional basket case by now. Whatever happens now it will only get better as long as you let her go. You will instantly feel better.

I was in love for 25 years. I thought I would die when she left. I thought I would never recover. I thought I would love her forever.
I thought that I would never be able to concentrate again.

Well. I have recovered. I do miss that woman who loved me so many years ago. I do have bad days. I also laugh like I have not laughed. I feel like I have not felt before and I look and behave like me. 

Stop being scared of the unknown. Jump in, the water is fine, if little cold to start with.


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## sick. (Jul 18, 2012)

I'm really sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves this! 
Sorry to also say that after three years of this I really can't see her changing. I know it's easier said than done... but you need to jump ship.. before she destroys the rest of your life.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Thanks for all the comments, probably agree with them all.

This is how it is now ........

I am moving out in three weeks, we have told our children,family and friends, there is no going back now!

I have been so reasonable up to this point, putting up with her s**t but no more.

Everything is set up for my move, for distraction, I have registered with certain dating sites, it helps me, I`ve resigned myself to the fact that even though my wife has feelings etc for me, she still wants to pursue this fantasy person, this won`t change. I won`t being givng her another opportunity to hurt me

Took me a while to sort out but best thing going forward.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Great. Get your respect back! What did she have to say?


> I am moving out in three weeks


What does it mean? Did you talk to a lawyer first? Are you filing?
Go talk on her, detach. Hard 180. Logistics and finances.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm glad you have desided to stop this emotional torture you have been dealing with. You diserve good things and good things will come your way.
The kids will now see there father happy..so that has to be worth its wieght in gold. It will take time but you will find happiness now that you are no longer being controled by a possesive women.

It will take time to get back the self esteem that your wife has been beating down for years, but you will get it back and with that the confidence that was also taken away from you.

Good for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why are YOU moving out?? It's her cheating ass that should be kicked to the curb.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Why are YOU moving out?? It's her cheating ass that should be kicked to the curb.


I suspect its because Sadman is still being a doormat and is removing himself from the situation rather than putting his foot down and standing up for himself.

I _hope_, at the very least, you've filed for divorce and she was been served. Right Sadman? _Right_?


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## shattered319 (Jul 30, 2012)

Sadman, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Pretty much same thing with my husband. It's an old elementary school friend of his that got back in touch with him about a month and a half ago. She's married too. I told him last night that if they're ever together in the future, what's to stop her from doing it to him? I asked him if he could stop seeing her and he said he couldn't answer that in 5 seconds. I feel as though my heart is breaking. We haven't even been married for a year and a half. We were together nearly 3 years before we got married. Marriage was the most amazing thing and I had no idea this was gonna happen. 

As far as your wife. Wow. I'm not sure what to say. She can't stand that you may contact other women? Ask her to stand in your shoes and look at it from your point of view. She needs to realize that if you have a good marriage, she would be a fool to throw that away. And this guy won't leave his marriage and his kids.....so he's never gonna be with her. Have you guys tried counseling to get past this? I can't remember if you put that down or not.

I hope for the best for your marriage.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Sadman said:


> I am moving out in three weeks, we have told our children,family and friends, there is no going back now!


 Why are you the one moving out? She is the cheater, why should she get to cake eat and get everything her way. If you do have a good reason to be the one moving out, do not do so until you speak to an attorney and file. Moving out before then could hurt you in the divorce settlement. 

Also, did you expose when you told everyone that you were moving out, or are you going to let her rewrite history such that you are the bad guy in this divorce? This is not a small thing especially when it comes to what your children think of you for the rest of their lives.


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## Sadman (Feb 25, 2010)

Thanks again


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