# Argghh! Women are so confusing!



## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

So I just met this girl at a work party and we seemed to hit it off pretty well, I thought. She said we should grab lunch some time because I am in the process of moving to a new department in 2-weeks. So for the past few days I have been stopping by her office and just chit-chatting with her briefly and teasing her. Seems like all things are going well, but I can never ask her out because another co-worker of her shares the office with her. It would be too weird to ask her out in front of another co-worker. So I decided to just email her and ask her out to lunch. It's been 24-hours and I know she has read my email, but she has not replied to it. So what gives?!? Why would she suggest going to lunch but not get back to me? She could at least say "no thanks". What a bummer - and I thought I had found a winner, too!


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

I know "we" can be quite confusing at times. She could have suggested lunch just as a figure of speech or something to say to keep the conversation going or to end the conversation. Also, women tend to think way too much, myself included. She has probably thought all the way through if you go to lunch and it leads to dating and dating to a relationship that may or may not work and how it will affect the job, etc... and may decided that "lunch" is not worth the risk. I know it sounds weird but sometimes we let our thoughts stop us from doing something that would probably be harmless. and all the while you just wanted soup and salad and maybe a little conversation.  good luck


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Bummer.  At least she could just write me back and say, "no thanks", you know? Oh well, I guess my search continues!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i wouldnt give up on the first go, try again but this time simply ask to go for lunch again , but if she isnt interested to let you know. 
i think thats fair. then you wil know for definate.
you might have another put of by her, but this time you wil know for sure.
dont give up on the first hurdle on everything you do.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Thanks for the advice, justean. I need to give people the benefit of the doubt, like maybe she had some urgent deadlines or was busy to get back to me. So next time I see her, I'll ask her if she got my email and if she's up for going out to lunch some time. Being persistent can be a good thing, but it can also be creepy if the girl doesn't like the guy. Hopefully I'm not creepy to her.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Give her a chance to reply back. Maybe she doesn't want to look like she can't wait, or maybe she is busy and hasn't gotten around to it.
Maybe the co-worker but his/her 2 cents worth in, who knows, but give her to the end of the week to reply back. If no reply back, then send another one and say.. I sent you an email asking you out, I would appreicate a reply back either way. Thanks !


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Good news! She replied back to me this morning, and even apologized about the delay in getting back to me! *phew!* Now I wonder why she delayed in getting back to me. Was she just over thinking, or if she was just swamped with emails? Oh well, guess I'll never know! Anywhooo, I'm going to lunch with her tomorrow and I'm excited (and nervous)! Time to run to the ATM to get what little cash I have left. 

I was already planning on paying for her. Does this sound like a good idea or bad idea? Like I mentioned, we just met each other at a work party. Would it be too weird to do this? I'm the typical nice guy who likes to pay, including my guy friends since I'm doing better off than most people. Would this paying gesture freak her out??? From my minimal experience in dating, I found that being nice and chivalrous is only great when the woman likes the man. Else, it's just creepy, and I don't want to be that creepy guy.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Pay for her first meal. You are trying to get to know each other. If she would like to do so, then or another time, then fine.. let her.
Good luck with everything !


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Yes! Pay for the meal!!!
I always hated the "going Dutch" thing. To me, it was always an excuse for being cheap. 
(Chivalry ain't dead!)


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

yes pay for the meal. dont make her not calling you back an issue. 
dont make mountains out of mole hills.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

freeshias4me said:


> Yes! Pay for the meal!!!
> I always hated the "going Dutch" thing. To me, it was always an excuse for being cheap.
> (Chivalry ain't dead!)


:iagree: .. and I'm not cheap. If I could, I would eat at fancy places more than I have.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

If she does feel like paying something on the bill, and goes on and on about it. Let her throw in for the tip. Even then.. I feel weird saying ok to that too.


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## Sweet love (Sep 10, 2008)

When invited out i will expect the guy to pay for it. If not i will get real mad at him. Whatsnext? htat he invitres me out and i have to pay his bill?
It has to be romantic, you do 50/50 when its with friends not when dating.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree with paying for the meal...and if she seems reluctant, I also think letting her pick up the tip is a good idea if she feels awkward about you paying.

Have fun !!!


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

So I had lunch with this girl and it went well, but of course, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND ALREADY! AHHH! I swear, all the good girls are taken. This probably explains why she was hesitant to get back to my lunch invitation. Other than that, she is a really great catch. Very beautiful, educated, adventurous, and nothing holds her back. I like that in her. But again, she's already taken. 

Back to the drawing board


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ok shes taken , but atleast you have taken that step into the world of meeting ppl and socialising and you can connect with a woman.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> A good one usually happens on your path when you're not even looking.


Maybe that's the reason. I've always been ready for a relationship, and starting a family, ever since I finished college and landed a good job. I'm not desperate, but I want to keep my eyes open for someone. Maybe I'm trying too hard? Maybe it's time to close my eyes???? :scratchhead:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'd vote for doing what you're doing and keep putting yourself out there...you'll take some hits (like this one finding out she's taken) but in the process you will learn more about what you want in a woman and you never know...boyfriends don't always last forever so as long as you are a good friend they might circle back around if they are suddenly single again.

What I found when I was single (divorced single mom of 3) was that being a full-time mom and working full-time I really had to make an effort to put myself out there...not that I was trolling for a new husband but in normal situations, out at the gym, the bookstore, etc. to take notice of people around me, start small chats with people, etc. I was looking more just to talk to 'grown-ups' (men or women) but those are the times where you may not even be looking and something happens.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

Thanks for the tips! I have to admit that as I'm getting older, I am finding that the pool of single women will be shrinking. I'm turning 28 next month, but I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I'm in my 30's! I know men can have children until the day they die, but I've put an age limit of 35 on myself. It just wouldn't be healthy to start a family after the age of 35. I've even considered adoption if nothing happens by the time I'm 34-years old. So in a sense I have a time limit. I knew I should have tried harder to meet women in college instead of focusing on my studies.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> The best relationships start with friendship.


I admit I am really inexperienced in dating, but from what I have read online, and from my personal experience, it always seems that once you're on her friend's list, that's where you remain. I was taught that you have to nab the girl early and show her you are interested, else you get put on the friend's ladder. Isn't this true? Again, that has been my experience. Why buy the cow when the milk is free, right? She can get all the emotional support, handyman support, and psychological support, from a friend without giving sex or getting into commitments. In other words, she can still freely roam around with other men physically while the poor male friend is providing the inner needs.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> You'd know the difference if a woman solely wanted your friendship vs. someone who desired more.


Unfortunately I cannot tell. I have had a lot of interest with female friends before, only to have it turn out to be only a friendship when I genuinely felt and thought that she wanted more. It's an ugly feeling, and happens to me frequently. You know, the typical line, "You're such a great guy! You're smart, handy, and a great listener! But I only see you as a friend. You'd be great for someone else." Sadly I end up feeling hurt and distancing myself and losing the female friend. I'm actually going through that right now, and this one female friend of mine wants to still be friends and asking me what she can do so that we can be good friends again. Basically I told her to leave me alone.

Either I am continually doing something wrong, or I just cannot read woman. It's probably a combination of both! I just wonder when I am going to understand all of this.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

I would just like to add the MEN ARE JUST AS CONFUSING!!!!

I have to say that a couple of the guys I dated (including the one I married) started out as friends...and grew into something more. But I have also had the guy friend that wanted to be more that I wasnt interested in that way as well and I have had to be the one that said "Sorry I dont feel that way about you" and BELIEVE me that is a really hard thing to say ESPECIALLY to someone that is important to you and you value as a person/friend. 

I have recently started back into the dating pool. (Im sure some here will judge me saying its too soon, but hey I am 30 years old and Im not going to sit around lonely every night and Im not looking to jump right back into a marriage) The dating pool is hard! No offense to any Men here but damn its seems like all most men want in my age range is just a romp in the sack. I am all for sex and I firmly believe you need to test drive the car before you buy it but ummm hello not on the first date!!! And why is it that most guys all know the right things to say to make your THINK they are a nice guy not just looking for sex when in fact their plan all along is to convince you of their niceness so they can talk you right out of your pants! I met one guy told me he was single blah blah blah....turns out he has a live in GF who is 3 months PREGO!!! What is wrong with people! 

Ok sorry for the hijack of your thread...but MEN ARE CONFUSING TOO!!!


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

stumped - I think men are just playing you and you are falling for their games. You can only blame yourself for jumping the gun too early and falling for it. You gotta weed out the bad guys from the good guys, and that takes time to get to know someone. Now of course, once you meet that genuine nice guy who really wants more than just sex, you'll just find him valuable only as a friend.

mommy22 - I hope I can get some insight on women's thoughts and reasons for liking a man. There are other factors, which I think, are against me in terms of statistics in finding the right woman. And some of those factors are things I cannot change, like my race, expectations on me, and stereotypes against me.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Do you have a close female friend that would be straight-forward with you if you asked her about your style, your approach, etc.?


I don't have any really close female friends that I can ask what they think of me, or if I am attractive. They are all too nice to tell me if there was something wrong with me. I guess I can ask them when the conversation and timing seems appropriate.


> Do you keep yourself up? Are your clothes dated? Are you coming on strong?


I am turning 28-years old next month, and I feel like I'm good with my clothes, haircut, and fashion. I get my clothes from the GAP and Banana Republic. I dress and fit my age - definitely appropriate, I think.



> For most women, healthy self-confindence (NOT ARROGANCE!), sense of humor, and a chivalrous yet laid-back approach works. If you're trying too hard it makes us uncomfortable. It can make things tense.


I agree, those are great traits to have, but unfortunately they don't guarantee attraction. I admit I may be a little more reserved than others, but there's still some level of standard that women hold to, and if a man doesn't meet that standard then he's out as a partner. Maybe if he makes enough money then that would change her mind. :smthumbup: 



> Don't allow stereotypes or race define who you are. You know who you are. Remember that and let it shine through. Be proud of who you are. What are your talents, hobbies, likes? All of those things define you. You can't be beaten down worrying about how the world perceives you.


It's not just the stereotypes, but other things that I cannot change to an extent. My height and my skin problems, for example. That can turn some women off and I'm aware of that. My hobbies, which I think are exciting, are not interesting to people my age. For example, I like to golf, play chess, and play classical music on my violin. Those are things I am passionate about where it takes hard work, discipline, and practice to perfect.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

cheewagacheewaga said:


> For example, I like to golf, play chess, and play classical music on my violin.


I dated a guy who played classical piano and didn't listen to any contemporary music (or music with words as he called it) 

But there was a song by Jewel and I loved the piano music and played the CD for him. He bought the sheet music and learned it & one day just played it for me...totally blew me away. 

Anyway, I played violin as a kid and took it up again when I got divorced so was interested in classical but not over the top into it. He took me on a few dates to the symphony (Orchestra Hall in Chicago) and I loved it...Just a thought...sometimes talents like that can be very attractive to women because it puts you in that 'take charge' role where you 
show a part of who you are and they get to experience something totally new.

BTW, this guy was overweight & not as tall as men I usually date (cuz I'm tall and feel like amazon if I look down at my date) but I was totally attracted to him...his intelligence and sense of humor and confidence.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

If you like chess, and golf, and playing the violin, chances are, you're above the pack intelligence-wise, and the girls nowadays, sorry to say, aren't intelligent enough to keep up with you!
I felt the same way growing up... I was into nature, and learning, dancing, animals, etc etc...
But all the other kids around me ONLY seemed to know about Big City Life (meant to be in quotation marks)......going to the mall, going to the movies and parties...drinking, doing drugs, etc...
My parents raised me with a lot of morals, and taught us to use our BRAINS, and enjoy the outdooors, and experience many things...
(excuse the wording...hope you get the general idea)


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

freeshias4me - I'm just assuming that women instinctively like men who are good at something practical. Unfortunately my hobbies are not practical and are not easy to "show off", so I think there is generally little appreciation for these kinds of things. I don't think it necessarily has to do with intelligence, although it sounds kind of arrogant to say that I am intelligent.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

No, no woman that I ever knew said:"Hmmm, I like him! I think he can fix the plumbing!"
Nah!
"Generally speaking", a lot of women are attracted to the cool guys/dark and mysterious/hard to get.
And it's terrible, too! We like em, date em, but if we actually get them? Then we regret it, badly!!!
You sound like a quality guy...So why not go where quality girls hang out? Take a general interest course at a community college...Or if you are religious, go to Sunday services.
It's too hard to meet someone at work, without it rocking the boat, and you'll probably NEVER get a good one at a bar!
May I recommend a website to you? (this is from my own, personal experience.) I dated a lot before I got married...tried all the sites, and then some. By trial and error, I ended up at: casualkiss.com
The people there are very friendly, and not perverted...LOL


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey, OP, where are you "looking?" Have you volunteered your skills in places that may increase the number of people you meet? Everyone you meet is a potential friend, and every friend has family and other friends--it's the best way to meet people. Did you say golf? Volunteer to help at tournaments, esp. fund raisers. Chess? Volunteer at a school/after-school program. Violin? Make yourself available to play for free somewhere--schools, hospitals, nursing homes, churches. The more you just get out and about, the wider your circle of friends will be, and someday, one of them may become a conduit to the one woman you are hoping to meet.

Best of luck!


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

By all means, pay for her meal. And I'm really happy for you. She's sounds very special.


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