# Thinking of leaving don't know what to do



## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

Brief history we have been together four years married one and two children, I know all of this is my fault and my problem but I just keep thinking now of just walking away,

We have both found ourselves unemployed and it's always the same arguments , him spending money we haven't got on crap, him smoking and him lying about everything to me when he knows I always catch him out.

He is a great husband and dad in every other way so why am I letting these things get to me so much I'm prepared to leave. I don't even sleep in the bedroom anymore I've moved all my stuff into my daughters room and sleep downstairs as though it's going to make any difference.

My husband has always been a smoker but the last few years it just makes me so incredibly angry, not just from the point that we don't have the money for it and we have got into such debt funding his smoking but also I hate him coming near me now smelling of smoke it completely puts me off any form of physical intimacy with him, he has tried quitting several times but can't do it, then there is his health I don't want him not around because he has died from smoking or Ill all the time because of what it does to you, I don't want to feel like a single mom doing most stuff on my own while he keeps going off for a ***. We can never do anything as a family because what is left over if there is anything goes on ****. But why am I letting it destroy our marriage .

I don't know how to get things back on track I've just shut all my emotions off completely. I know I love him because when I thought he was a trying to see another woman it made me physically ill but then I just go back to feeling like this and thinking we would be better off separated.

Has anyone else been in this position and can you give me any advice please.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Wife1985 said:


> He is a great husband





Wife1985 said:


> when I thought he was a trying to see another woman it made me physically ill


If he tried to cheat on you during the marriage, then he is NOT a great husband. 



Wife1985 said:


> My husband has always been a smoker.. I hate him coming near me now smelling of smoke it completely puts me off any form of physical intimacy with him


You married a smoker. He smelled like smoke when you met him, he smells like smoke now. That hasn't changed. Neither has your sense of smell.

The only thing that's changed is that neither one of you work for reasons that are unclear, and you deeply resent him funding his lifelong habit, one which he has tried several times to quit. 

This whole thing is about the lack of money.

What are the two of you doing to try to get jobs?


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## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

Thank you for the reply. 
With the work situation I originally gave up my job to move in with him as he lived 200miles away and financially he made ALOT more money than me and neither of us could transfer so I said I'd leave as it made more sense, we started at family and I became a stay at home mom (I already had a child from a previous relationship that he has taken on sans if his own) , my husband then lost his job , he moved to a rival company who then made him redundant because he wouldn't hand over information about the previous company (all complicated) , since then I have sort of err turned to work , it is unpaid as I am getting trained to work in a hospital once training completes they I will be paid for it, as my hours are so uncertain my husband has said he will stay at the home with the kids so ewe don't have to pay for child care and I can continue my training then once my hours are set he will look for work around my hours.

I don't know what's wrong with me , it's almost like because of previous relationships I purposely put up these barriers and make all these reasons to leave but I ow deep down I really love him and I know I won't find anyone better because of all the things he does.
He cooks, cleans, helps with the school runs looks after me when I'm ill m stays in with me every single night (I can't even say he just leaves me to do everything while he is out with mates because he doesn't)gets me in little treats with his last bit of money from time to time, but I still constantly go on on and about the smoking and him lying. They aren't even big lies he tells it's always daft stuff like he may have taken £20 out our joint bank to have a couple of drinks in the pub and because he knows I will moan for spending the money he makes up lies like he hasn't had it.

I know it's me and I don't know what to do


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## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

lenzi said:


> If he tried to cheat on you during the marriage, then he is NOT a great husband.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



P.s it wasn't exactly that he was trying to cheat but he was definitely trying to find affection I can tell that no matter how much he denies it. He was messaging a very old friend she would ask about me and the kids and even mention all of us meeting up , he kind of dismissed it and later on mentioned about just the two of them meeting up and told her that he really missed her and that. She did at no point respond to any of those messages and when he have her his number even stop replying to him. He says it's just a really old friend he was chatting to but I can tell he was probably just wanting some affection because I just down give or show him anything and he probably feels **** for it. Again I don't know why I do it.

There has got to be something wrong with me, why am I willing to throw it all away for something so stupid. I don't want to throw it away but then I keep thinking if I can't accept him for who is is it's not fair and I should walk away


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Smoking is an addiction. It can be a deal breaker.

He could and should quit, but to beat this addiction he needs to work out. He should take up running. Without endorphines he will not get the kick he needs to rewire his brain.

You can smell the smoke. If he didn't have any stink on his breath, could you kiss him?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

For smoking, you should really lovingly suggest electronic cigarettes. No more smells, no more cancer, no more crazy expensive cigarettes.

Initially it'll cost him around $50 and then he'll spend about $30/month on juice. That's less than what a normal person spends on smokes in one week. Thousands of people have replaced their smoking habit with vaping and couldn't be happier. In my opinion, it's the best invention of the past 50 years after the internet.

As for leaving him, you really haven't provided a good enough reason for me to judge your husband as someone you should leave. I don't know why you'd leave him when you say you love him?


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## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

Without the **** yes I can kiss him more, he has tried the electric ones, he has been on tablets, patches, sprays everything. He recently quite for almost 8 weeks then just for the sake of it started again. 

Something happened recently to do with the smoking that was really bad and I told him that it was more important to him than his family and he could either smoke and leave or quit and be with us, he has since started smoking again. If he is low on **** and can't scrape enough money together he gets into such a mood about it snaps and sulks at everyone.

I've explained all this to him, he says he wants to quit because he wants to be around for his kids, he wants to stop taking what little money we have to do stuff with the kids and spend it on **** but he just doesn't put in any effort with anything in life except to get beer and **** everything else you really have to push him to do it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I told him that it was more important to him than his family and he could either smoke and leave or quit and be with us


You can't do that. You have no right to threaten him with such crap just because he smokes. 

He has as much rights to his family as you do. Smoking doesn't make him a monster. It makes him an addict. An addict you chose to marry and procreate with while fully aware of his addiction.

In any case, if you leave him, he will have joint custody of those kids, so don't think you can simply up and leave without losing half of your own access to the kids. The law doesn't care about his smoking. 

Is he actively looking for a job?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

His Love Busters have killed your feelings for him, so what you used to be able to handle now ticks you off. If you have control of the money, just don't give him any. Let him find work to pay for his cigarettes.


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## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

synthetic said:


> You can't do that. You have no right to threaten him with such crap just because he smokes.
> 
> He has as much rights to his family as you do. Smoking doesn't make him a monster. It makes him an addict. An addict you chose to marry and procreate with while fully aware of his addiction.
> 
> ...


I at no point said he wouldn't see his kids it is very important to me for us both to have equal time, not set by boundaries and sticking to set days.

Like I said and I won't discuss what it was but something happened because he wanted to go out and get **** which could of resulted in something very very bad happening which thankfully didn't and due to that particular reason is why I said he needs to sort it as he doesn't behave like a normal smoker (I've lived with smokers all my life so i know how they are ) instead he acts like someone on drugs, he used to take my money, my kids money, his dad's money to go buy **** and lie about it saying he never saw any money and he didn't know what happened, then it escalated to something more serious and I will not have my kids safety put at risk


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## Wife1985 (Oct 19, 2014)

Well we sat down and spoke tonight I explained in detail why the smoking and the money are such a big issue now unlike before.

I said I didn't expect him to change that it was my problem and I needed to sort it and if I couldn't deal with it then I should go as it wasn't fair for him to put up with me because of it.

He said he really doesn't want to be on them and will go and see someone else and talk about with them. I said if he is willing to make the effort then so am I , hopefully keep taking no things through will help


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Wife1985 said:


> Like I said and I won't discuss what it was but something happened because he wanted to go out and get **** which could of resulted in something very very bad happening which thankfully didn't


I highly doubt anything really bad would happen just because he wanted to go get some cigarettes. You won't discuss it yet you'll discuss everything else.. because you know you're blowing this entire thing out of proportion.

If you want to divorce the guy then go do it. Don't look for excuses or reasons to justify your actions because you don't really have anything that solid other than your wish to do so.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Smoking damages the body. The quality of a man's erections will decline from smoking. If you husband doesn't care about his sex life, he doesn't care about yours.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Smoking damages the body. The quality of a man's erections will decline from smoking. If you husband doesn't care about his sex life, he doesn't care about yours.


You make it sound like he smokes because he doesn't care about his or her sex life.

That's like saying smokers don't care about their lives because they don't care about getting cancer. 

They smoke because smoking is an addition and they're too weak to overcome it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Smoking damages the body. The quality of a man's erections will decline from smoking. If you husband doesn't care about his sex life, he doesn't care about yours.


I have never seen a more wrong and shallower analysis of a smoker!

Smoking is a real addiction as hard to kick as heroin. All smokers hate their addiction but it's extremely hard to permanently quit they simply find ways to justify it.

Electronic cigarettes are the only real harmless alternative to smoking but governments across the world are so addicted to the cigarette-tax, they're trying to ban or regulate it. A conventional cigarette contains 4000 poisonous chemicals of which 500 are known to be addictive. An electronic cigarette contains a single chemical whose only addictive element is nicotine. Diluted nicotine does not cause cancer, nor does it harm the body in any significant way (it has withdrawal symptoms like caffeine). It would be scientifically correct to say electronic cigarettes are pretty much harmless to both the user and the people around them.

Don't hate smokers. Most of them started smoking long before they became adults. It's hard to put the entire burden on their shoulders when the society has been too lazy to protect young kids from getting encouraged to smoke. I don't know of a single person who started smoking in their late 20s or 30s. The tobacco giants know exactly who to target.


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