# I hate my Husband



## Mieka

Pretty strong subject line, eh? Wow, I can't believe I can say that with such fluency. But I do, at least I think I do.

We have been married 5 years. 2 kids ages 3 and 4. I am 28, and he is 39.

It seems that all of the marriage advice I find on the internet doesn't really apply to us. The fact of the matter is I really don't like WHO he is. Does that make sense? I know he can't change who is he is, so I am assuming there is no help for our marriage.

I am really new to all of this. I can't imagine a divorce because of my kids, and selling the house, splitting everything. GAW, the whole idea really overwhelmes me, but yet I know I am not happy and NEED something to happen. I just don't know what!

We fight. No doubt about it. Noone(my family and friends) likes him. He is an excellent Father(!) and is very involved with the family. So no issues there. I just hate how controlling is he over me. 

Ok I could keep going but I will start with that.


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## Dancing Nancie

Welcome! Sorry you are having troubles, but this is a great forum, and you will recieve some great advice.

Can you elaborate a little more about what you hate about him? Controlling you is not ok. Can you tell us a little about how he controls you?


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## Mieka

*sigh* I don't even know how to put in words. I have lived with it for so long I have become conditioned to it I guess.

My family has told me I have changed. ALOT. 

He argues by getting louder and LOUDER. He MUST win the argument. 

He has ALL of the credit cards. He handles ALL of the money. Just this morning we had a fight about how he won't show me our budget, our finances, our monthly stuff. He gets all defensive and the fight ended with him telling me to log all of the miles I put on my van in a week. Yeah, that's the controlling stuff I am talking about. How the hell did the conversation end up with me logging miles on my van? WTF?

I am a Stay at Home Mom. If that helps any. So maybe there is some anmosity towards him, as well as me. 

All I want is to see our finances every month, be there when he pays the bills, etc... Make sense? 

Ugh, so much to type about, I am getting a bit overwhelmed. This may be all over the place, but I am just typing out my feelings as I think of them.

Ok, here is another example of controlling...he is ALWAYS nitpicking everything single freaking thing I do! It is so annoying! I *think* he is better than he used to be, but it is still obviously enough that I get very upset with him.


The biggest thing that concerns me is the way I treat my kids after him and I have talked...ahem...yelled at each other. He puts me in such a bad mood that I end up taking it out on my kids and being mean to them (like yelling at them, or being snappy with them, etc..) I HATE THAT! I know he does it to me.

Also, I have been dealing with SEVERE anxiety since I have been married. 

I am afraid to talk to him about anything because I know it will escalate into a fight with us yelling aroudn the kids. So basically I just stay quiet alot of the times just for the sake of my kids. But then if I do that I am afraid I am letting him treat me like a dishrag. I can't win


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## Mieka

I want out. But getting "out" is the hard part. I can't imagine doing this to our kids. They love their Daddy so much! They are such well adjusted kids, but Mommy isn't happy 

He would turn into the biggest ****head if we got a divorce. He would fight me for EVERYTHING. I am sure of it. Yeah, he is just a jerk.


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## lostluv

I wish I had words of wisdom to give you but I really don't. I have actually found myself in a very simular situation. My husband is great with the kids, usually, but he and I can't communicate to save anything. The only thing holding our marriage together is ingnoring it. I hope you are able to find some answers here and I will be keeping an eye out to see if I can pick up any pearls as well.


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## Mieka

lostluv said:


> I wish I had words of wisdom to give you but I really don't. I have actually found myself in a very simular situation. My husband is great with the kids, usually, but he and I can't communicate to save anything. The only thing holding our marriage together is ingnoring it. I hope you are able to find some answers here and I will be keeping an eye out to see if I can pick up any pearls as well.


Yep, ignoring it is what I am doing.





He knows how much I hate him. I tell him daily, well almost daily. I think he fears a little bit that I might leave him, but how the hell can I do that?? I don't have a job!! There is no way I could just leave. Besides, my kids are my LIFE! I can't imagine not seeing them 24/7. 

It's all screwed up. I guess I will just keep ignoring it until something better comes along.


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## Dancing Nancie

Mieka said:


> Yep, ignoring it is what I am doing.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> He knows how much I hate him. I tell him daily, well almost daily. I think he fears a little bit that I might leave him, but how the hell can I do that?? I don't have a job!! There is no way I could just leave. Besides, my kids are my LIFE! I can't imagine not seeing them 24/7.
> 
> *It's all screwed up. I guess I will just keep ignoring it until something better comes along*.


First do you actually want to work on your marriage? I can tell you that my wife and I were on the verge of divorce about 6 months ago, and we are now starting to enjoy each other like we have not done in many years. I will say that it takes a lot of time and even more patience to work the issues you have. Ignoring them, and looking for something better is not the answer. The issues you have now will follow you to the next person. The only difference is that your children will know that you left Daddy for another man. Is that the legacy you want to build?


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## Mieka

I am so lost right now I don't know what I want. I just know I don't want to be with HIM. But the kids make it a pickle of a situation. If we didn't have kids I would have left him in a heartbeat (and he knows this).

Honestly, I can't imagine EVER getting married again. No way, no how. Plus, I have extremely conservative views, and this would not benefit the children in anyway.

I am so lost. So, SO Lost. I don't know what to do. I am unhappy, and don't want to work on things, because I KNOW it won't work. HE won't change. He is who he is. He is as stubborn as a mule, and thinks all of the problems are ME, not him. 

The problem is that this has gone on for so long that I have no desire to reconcilate with him. And the onlly reason I would do that at this point is for the sake of convenience, and for the children.

I guess I will just keep going on extremely unhappy and dealing with severe anxiety. I guess that will just be my life.

Wow, I really hate him. Everytime I think of him I think of how much I despise him.

When he walks in the door I roll my eyes. I hate it when he talks. I hate it when he is home. He just took a second job and I am SO happy he is out of the house more. I am a ***** to him, because he is a jerk to me. Gaw, hate hate hate!
If he would have treated me better we wouldn't be in this situation. He's an ass, what can I say.


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## Dancing Nancie

I am going to ask you a few questions. How are you treating your anxiety? Also, would you like to go to work and have money of your own? In a perfect world, what would you like to see happen in your marriage?


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## Mieka

Dancing Nancie said:


> How are you treating your anxiety?
> 
> Also, would you like to go to work and have money of your own?
> 
> In a perfect world, what would you like to see happen in your marriage?


Naturally, through exercise, breathing, etc.. I have tried meds, and they make it worse. 


I would love to go to work, and have my own money, but I can't do that when I am devoted to being a stay at home mom. I would ONLY want to get a job to be equal to DH. I would love to contribute to the family with an income, as I think that would take alot of burden off of DH.

Oh in a perfect world, I would love to have a DH that treated me as an equal. I have have these hopes in my mind that if I worked full time that would happen. I wish we could be right now where we were the day we got married. I would love to stay married to him. That would sure makes things a hell of a lot easier. Like I said, he is an EXCELLENT father, and hell, quite a great husband when he wants to be. He seems to be very moody. But, he needs to LEAVE ME ALONE about things, and reliquish some control, and know that I AM A TEAM with him. I am his equal. He doesn't seem to grasp that concept. When I mention marriage counseling this is his response, "Well, if only YOU would..." See? It's always MY fault.

We communicate. Probably too much LOL. Except our communication is by fighting and yelling. HE takes it that point, not me. Otherwise I would love to calmly talk to him about things.


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## Dancing Nancie

Mieka said:


> Naturally, through exercise, breathing, etc.. I have tried meds, and they make it worse.
> 
> 
> I would love to go to work, and have my own money, but I can't do that when I am devoted to being a stay at home mom. I would ONLY want to get a job to equal to DH. I would love to contribute to the family with an income, as I think that would take alot of burden off of DH.
> *You need to think about this quite a bit. What kind of job skills do you have? Did you go to college? How long have you been a SAHM? I will say that I was a stay at home dad, and my wife has always made more money than me. I don't care one way or another what she makes. Her biggest problem was that she stressed about the finances a ton and wanted it to be more equal. So we found a sitter, and I went back to work. His burden being the sole provider is probably a big deal to him. I didn't know how much of a burden it was on my wife until it was almost too late. She was horrible to me for quite some time, and never told me she resented me for being able to be home with the kids. This could be a large issue with him. This is something you need to discuss with him.*
> 
> Oh in a perfect work, I would love to have a DH that treated me as an equal. I have those hope in my mind that if I worked full time that would happen. I wish we could be right now where we were the day we got married. I would love to stay married to him. That would sure makes things a hell of a lot easier. Like I said, he is an EXCELLENT father, and hell quite a great husband when he is. But, he needs to LEAVE ME ALONE about things, and reliquish some control, and know that I AM A TEAM with him. I am his equal. He doesn't seem to grasp that concept. When I mention marriage counseling this is his response, "Well, if only YOU would..." See? It's always MY fault.
> *Well if you want him to treat you like an equal, you need to talk with him and figure out what it will take for him to see you as such. When I was home with the kids, I felt I was doing my part. All meals were cooked and ready when she came home. She never had to do any housework, and her sole worry was work. She never saw me as an equal until I was working. It kills me to see my kids with a sitter, but if it means having a happy marriage, then that is worth it to me. The children are happier now that we are getting along better. Life in general is a lot brighter now that we have found a common ground. I think I sacrificed more to get where we are now, but in the end, does it matter?*
> 
> We communicate. Probably too much LOL. Except our communication is by fighting and yelling. HE takes it that point, not me. Otherwise I woud love to calmly talk to him about things.


*I don't communicate too much now. You just communicate in the wrong way. My wife and I set aside Wednesday to talk about our marriage and the issues we are having. We would give each other a topic to think about, or read about. Then the next week we would discuss it. At first there was a lot of arguing. We were giving each other things that we didn't like about the other person. It's hard to see faults in ourself. I will say that there were a lot of things that I did that I didn't know I was doing. I am sure you are doing things that make him just as angry as you are now too. Once you realize that you have a place in the state of the marriage, you can start to rebuild it.*


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## Blanca

Mieka said:


> The biggest thing that concerns me is the way I treat my kids after him and I have talked...ahem...yelled at each other. He puts me in such a bad mood that I end up taking it out on my kids and being mean to them (like yelling at them, or being snappy with them, etc..) I HATE THAT! I know he does it to me.
> 
> I can't win


You cant win...well, it seems the ones that are really losing in this situation are your kids. They're the only ones that dont have a choice in all this.

He does not make you yell at your kids. You are 100% responsible for your own behavior. If you chose to stay and fight and yell it out with him so you can win, then you are choosing to increase your anxiety and take it out on your kids.

For your kids, you need to deal with your anger and resentment. If you are going to stay you have to find peace with your situation. If you dont, your kids are the ones that will pay.


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## Mieka

ljtseng said:


> You cant win...well, it seems the ones that are really losing in this situation are your kids. They're the only ones that dont have a choice in all this.
> 
> He does not make you yell at your kids. You are 100% responsible for your own behavior. If you chose to stay and fight and yell it out with him so you can win, then you are choosing to increase your anxiety and take it out on your kids.
> 
> For your kids, you need to deal with your anger and resentment. If you are going to stay you have to find peace with your situation. If you dont, your kids are the ones that will pay.


He definitely puts me on edge. Once I am put on edge, then I snap more easily, or become more easily frustrated with the kids. It's a viscious cycle.

This is my main concern. The kids. I have heard that people split for the sake of the kids, but how do I know if my situation applies?

If I ignore him, or don't fight back with him for the sake of the kids what is that teaching them? The more I give him control, or the more that I let him yell at me or control me the worse I am going to be. My fear is becoming a dishrag...but I'm already afraid I'm there 

If I try to leave he will take my keys, or block the doorway. He has become physical with me 3 times, where he pushed me down on the couch while I was holding our newborn son, another time when I was pregnant he threw me down on the bed, and the third time his FIL was present. I tried to call the police, but he blocked the doorway, and wouldn't let me out of the room of my son. 

So 3 times in 5 years isn't bad right? He definitely has anger issues. He always plays off these incidences as, "well, if only people could have witnessed what YOU did to make me do that to you." Oh, no, sorry bud it doesn't work that way.

So I guess maybe I have ALOT of resentment about THOSE 3 particular instances. I will admit though I am afraid of that happening again


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## Mieka

Dancing Nancie said:


> *I don't communicate too much now. You just communicate in the wrong way. My wife and I set aside Wednesday to talk about our marriage and the issues we are having. We would give each other a topic to think about, or read about. Then the next week we would discuss it. At first there was a lot of arguing. We were giving each other things that we didn't like about the other person. It's hard to see faults in ourself. I will say that there were a lot of things that I did that I didn't know I was doing. I am sure you are doing things that make him just as angry as you are now too. Once you realize that you have a place in the state of the marriage, you can start to rebuild it.*


Definitely. Don't get me wrong I KNOW I have issues. I KNOW there are things that I do that trip his trigger. Alot of those things though are tripped because of the way he has treated me. This is witnessed by family and friends.

He can't talk to me about things. He can only yell.


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## Blanca

Mieka said:


> If I try to leave he will take my keys, or block the doorway. He has become physical with me 3 times, where he pushed me down on the couch while I was holding our newborn son


OOooo ya, makes your blood boil doesnt it! I know. My H has done the same to me. Man, when he blocked the door i just wanted to punch him in the face. He's pushed me down on the couch, too, b/c he didnt want me to leave. Im sure its even harder for you b/c you were holding your child. 

You know, when my H blocked the door, and pushed me that one time, i had a flash back to when i was a kid. My mom had slapped me. It wasnt the first time, but it was the first time in a long time and i was much older when she did it. I could have retaliated, like i used to, because i was bigger then her then, but i just stood there and looked at her. I realized how pathetic she was. I realized she felt a complete lack of control and felt this was the only way to communicate with me. how pathetic. and then, i just walked away. 

so fast forward back to my H. I just stood there and looked at him. I didnt cower, i told him this is abuse and that he will open the door. i stood there looking him straight in the eye the whole time. i let him know that his behavior was no better then a common, low, abuser. We stood there for a second, and he opened the door. 

I know your blood boils over it. it makes mine boil just hearing it. but there are ways to handle it so you dont become as low as he is. anger is not the solution. its just pouring lighter fluid on the fire. He's doing that b/c he's frustrated, confused, and pathetic. You need to let him know its abuse. not just in the moment, but after. Let him know what the consequences will be if it continues. if you say you're going to call the cops, call them. even if its hours later. 

And for your own sake learn to separate yourself from his behavior. this isnt about you. his actions are pathetic, but they are not a reflection of your helplessness, unless you allow it to go unchecked. You need to find a peaceful core in yourself. so that when he tries to control you, you can see it for what it is, a complete desperation b/c he knows he has no control.


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## Dancing Nancie

That is a terrible cycle to be in, and I was ready to end my marriage too because it didn't seem like there was ever going to be an end to it! There is hope though! If you look at in the context that it took you years to build the cycle you are currently in, it will take close to half the time to undo that cycle. It's a long process, but worth every minute in my opinion!


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## Dancing Nancie

After reading your post about him being physical with you, I am going to change my stance a bit. I am all for trying to work out a marriage unless there is abuse. I was abused as a child, and watched my step father beat my mother. It ****ed me up, and I carry those scars today. That will do your children more harm staying. I think you should contact a therapist.


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## Honey

:iagree: Go talk to someone, hun, and you always have us to talk to. If I have to read one more beat on thread  .. I will feel like







someone.


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## michzz

if your finances are in joint accounts, you can find out what is being spent on what. If you file a joint tax return you can find out even more.

If there is not joint account, it is harder. But not impossible. 

If you know the bank account numbers you can use those for asset recovery purposed in a divorce. If you get to the point of divorce, have a lawyer enlist the services of a forensic accountant.

If you live in a community property state, such as California, all "his" earnings from a job are half yours. same with retirement and investment earnings.

At some point you will have to do more to control your destiny. Find employment, investigate your options in a divorce.

Just do not telegraph your actions to him.


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## GAsoccerman

Tell him you want a divorce, flat out tell him. If he says No, then you demand you both get counseling, either he changes his way or you are gone.

Talk to your family tell them your plan, so you can move in with someone.

Check with a lawyer


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## draconis

Dancing Nancie said:


> First do you actually want to work on your marriage? I can tell you that my wife and I were on the verge of divorce about 6 months ago, and we are now starting to enjoy each other like we have not done in many years. I will say that it takes a lot of time and even more patience to work the issues you have. Ignoring them, and looking for something better is not the answer. The issues you have now will follow you to the next person. The only difference is that your children will know that you left Daddy for another man.


:iagree:

draconis


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## Blanca

GAsoccerman said:


> then you demand you both get counseling


:iagree:

this was one of the things my H has to do for me to stay.


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## voivod

Mieka said:


> He knows how much I hate him. I tell him daily, well almost daily. .


not in front of the kids though, right?


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## bamagirl

Wow, you are writing my life!!! We too have been married 5 years and our children are 3 & 4!!!!!!!!!!! I did get a job but it only pays for daycare! So I still do not have a way out! My family has no money to help! I will tell you that getting job helped me and my children!! They love school! I have a something to look forward to, Monday mornings!!! I am a better Mother to my children then when I was staying home in frustration! Just something to think about!


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## voivod

Mieka said:


> Oh in a perfect world, I would love to have a DH that treated me as an equal. I have have these hopes in my mind that if I worked full time that would happen. I wish we could be right now where we were the day we got married. I would love to stay married to him. That would sure makes things a hell of a lot easier. Like I said, he is an EXCELLENT father, and hell, quite a great husband when he wants to be. He seems to be very moody. But, he needs to LEAVE ME ALONE about things, and reliquish some control, and know that I AM A TEAM with him. I am his equal. He doesn't seem to grasp that concept. When I mention marriage counseling this is his response, "Well, if only YOU would..." See? It's always MY fault.



okay, so you described your perfect world. is this a perfect world where you don't HATE your husband anymore?


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## Jenni

Hello Mieka, If I was in your shoes I would go out and get a job or go to school as soon as my kids were old enough to go to school. Even if it is part time. I had a girlfriend going through the same thing as you but she 3 kids and finally she got pregnant with #4 and she had to quit her job for good. She was bored to death as her hubby bought a house far from all her friends and family and had no break from her kids. Change of air might be a start. At least it gets you out of the rut.


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## Kylie

*Your situation, so much like mine!*

Hi, 
it's the same case with me, I am a SAHM as well but my husband has issues because i don't make my own money. His sister is divorced and they are very close. They are both the same, as in they think they are the "best." (no wonder her husband divorced her). I think of divorcing him too but he is paying the bills and I have 2 kids age 1 and 4. He doesnt like me to know about the fianances at all. He only gives me a little bit of money which i am supposed to spend on myself per month. Theres no extra money given for kids so i do their stuff in my allowance too mostly. I've applied for some jobs but i'm not very qualified as i never studied much but got married instead so got no replies yet. I wish i could be financially independant. I'm only 27, and he's 9 years older than me. He doesnt respect me, doesnt love me, everytime he even buys me something he lords it over me like i owe him! Just today i asked him if we could get a lamp i liked for the house and he screamed at me that we cant afford that lamp etc etc. (but he can afford to send tickets to his sister and her two sons to come visit us). I really wanted to go on vacation but apparently he says we cant afford it (because of his sister of course as she "deserves" a vacation). She is one problematic woman, i know as soon as she comes there will be more probs. I cant say anything agsainst her or his family as if I do he totally loses it. He's also slapped, pushed, shoved me on many occasions. And his reason for doing so "because you made me do it." He thinks he's the "ultimate" husband. How wrong he is! If i didnt have kids i'd have left definitely. But it's so difficult now to leave. i think we are only together for the kids. Also I dont enjoy sex with him at all. I never feel like it with him but i have to because i cant leave. I wish I could find someone who really loved me...but seems impossible.


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## Hopeful_SLP

I'm really sorry that you are going through this.
I'm a 26 year old, no kids, married for 2 years in May. My husband and I have always argued, but I still loved him. He always hated that my parents were "controlling" because his parents let him do whatever and I was an only child with lots of rules. He's Catholic, I'm Baptist. The list goes on of how we differ...but we always found a way back to each other. Now that we're married, he likes (as your husband does) to blame me for everything: "well I wouldn't get so angry if you didn't..." "if you would just... then I would not...". Recently we've had a lot more fights, big ones, and I've suggested counseling 3 times. He says it's too expensive and that if I'd stop this, this, and this, we'd be fine. A few weeks ago he got really mad at me because I didn't support some stupid project he was working on for the house, that he got drunk at a friend's house and told me he thought he wanted a divorce. We didn't talk for a day, and then we had sit down heart to heart when I told him that he HAS to stop blaming me for all of our problems. He's not perfect. _I_ don't need therapy, _we_ do. I told him about 3 things that I want him to work on, he told me things he wanted me to stop doing...and we're working from there. Marriage is hard, but I find that his friends (often single guy friends) don't help the situation. I've been trying to suggest things that involve only the two of us. I'm sure it's a lot harder with kids, but if you have family close, go out for a movie. You wouldn't have to talk, and then you'd have the movie to talk about afterward. A few times of just being together may get the spark flickering. Then you could start talking about getting a sitter so you could get a part time job. Make it seem like you are concerned that he is having to carry too much of the family stress (although you couldn't give a crap at this point). If he starts yelling and the kids are around, tell him that you understand that he's upset but could it please wait until the kids go to bed. They're young, they go to bed early and that would leave some time. 
I know that before you became defeated you probably gave 200%, and now you almost don't care at all...but I think that if you give a small amount of extra umph (on top of all of the umph you give during the day as a SAHM), and he still doesn't notice, then at least you'll have peace of mind that you gave your all when things were ****ty. Keep a journal of little things you do to please him, and his reaction. I started doing this about 4 months ago so that if he agreed on counseling I'd be able to give examples and let him know how much he had hurt me. 
I've got lots more...but my entry is lengthy anyway. Let me know if any of it helped! I know it sucks being in our little boat when everyone else around us is on a party yacht!


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## miturn

Hi mate! Listen honey, you are far from alone in your situation. I have wasted my life making excuses to stay in a dead end relationshp. After 33 years in a marriage doing just what you are doing now I find myself 50 years old with two kids that without him. Take away his hold on youdon't give a damm about me but think my hubby is the best aan and will stand on your own two feetnd left with no self esteem or belief in myself. GET OUT! A wasted life is a wasted life. The longer you stay, the lower you sink. If you want to ever hope to find happiness then you must make the decision NOW that it is not a life you are happy with and YOU and your KIDS deserve better. I have posted here about my situation and as much as the advice given is appreciated it all comes down to how far I have let my situation go. My life is over, yours has just begun. You and your kids will be better off out of this relationship. I am not all doom and gloom. In your circumstances there may be hope BUT BUT BUT it is not going to happen for you unless you learn to stand on your own two feet. For as long as you need this type of man he wil only get more and more repugnant to you and toward you. Make the move and good luck.


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## miturn

Damm I should of proof read that. My laptop battery is running flat and I was racing to get my post to you. I hope you can make sence of what I have said


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## reidqa01

Mi,

PERFECT SENSE.

I am so impressed with your post.

True empoerement, I just love it.

Bravo to you.


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## recent_cloud

miturn,

your life is far from over.

i think you need to re-read what you wrote and get busy.


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## unplanejayne

Mieka said:


> I am so lost right now I don't know what I want. I just know I don't want to be with HIM. But the kids make it a pickle of a situation. If we didn't have kids I would have left him in a heartbeat (and he knows this).
> 
> Honestly, I can't imagine EVER getting married again. No way, no how. Plus, I have extremely conservative views, and this would not benefit the children in anyway.
> 
> I am so lost. So, SO Lost. I don't know what to do. I am unhappy, and don't want to work on things, because I KNOW it won't work. HE won't change. He is who he is. He is as stubborn as a mule, and thinks all of the problems are ME, not him.
> 
> The problem is that this has gone on for so long that I have no desire to reconcilate with him. And the onlly reason I would do that at this point is for the sake of convenience, and for the children.
> 
> I guess I will just keep going on extremely unhappy and dealing with severe anxiety. I guess that will just be my life.
> 
> Wow, I really hate him. Everytime I think of him I think of how much I despise him.
> 
> When he walks in the door I roll my eyes. I hate it when he talks. I hate it when he is home. He just took a second job and I am SO happy he is out of the house more. I am a ***** to him, because he is a jerk to me. Gaw, hate hate hate!
> If he would have treated me better we wouldn't be in this situation. He's an ass, what can I say.


I know exactly what your going through! I married at 16 he was 19. Now that I am 32 I realize that there are things in life that are not acceptable. Anyways, I have been living with him in misery for about 16 years and it only gets worse. Noone can help you but you! I have 4 kids so, Like you I can't just leave. I am enrolled in college for my RN and his meanness actually drives me to do my best. I keep counting down days until good job and enough money to afford a divorce lawyer and our own place. I know whan this goes down it will be ugly but, even my kids are starting to see how it is so, maybe they wont hate me for leaving him. You need a plan and I really wish I would have started mine sooner. Don't wait! If you are as miserable as me you will kick yourself in the butt for waiting. If you need a friend to talk to e-mail me, or look for me on myspace. [email protected] or [email protected]. Good luck and I will pray for you!


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## beninneedofhelp

All i can say to this is i was in ways some what like him and i no from a personal aspect my wife kicking me out and standing up for her made me reflect on my attitude among other things and in ways forced me to grow to something better which was needed all though i still sit 3 months later and still not with her i have changed and learned from this experience so what i would say is try to talk to him about it and let him no your serious in this matter by maybe even saying if things cant be talked about reasonably your done and divorcing him 

Now you dont have to do that part in reality just make him think that and let him decide if its worth it or not and i bet he reflects and makes some changes you can live with 

also on a side note if you dont yell back and stay calm its hard for another to continue with the yelling if there is no fight back when things start to escalate just say ok ill come back to talk to you when you calm down and go silent for a while and let him cool off and come to you when he is ready to talk = you cant fight a war when there isnt no one to fight 

But truth be told if he is good with the kids its probably in there best to work things out but you may have to force the issues of how they get worked out instead of bottling up or keep the peace in other words

not saying something cause of fear of escalation in a arguement doesnt help you at all and will only allow you to get hurt and feel used as i seen in my own wife who i am presently trying to prove to her things can and will be different i have spent a lot of time researching reading self help books counceling and more i have a better grasp of things and if your truely convincing with this man you may find yourself in a nice spot to be

and that is where you got all the choices and he is willing to work for what he loves cause im sure its there , ill leave you a post i got from mort fertel its a letter and it could be where you find yourself if you make the things happen and force him to see he needs to change some things but that isnt saying you may have to as well there is always that middle road and dislikes about one another 

my grandmother told me long ago that the one thing you must do with a love is over look there 10 worse qualities and treasure the good ones 

Hi Benjamin,
A woman who just discovered that her husband
cheated on her for many years recently asked me a
great question.
She said, "My husband apologized 100 times,
stopped his affair, and is committed to being a
new man. I see he's changed. But wouldn't I be
better off divorcing him and starting fresh with
someone new?"Besides im scared of being hurt again.
I can understand her point of view.
Right now in her marriage there's so much pain,
baggage, and a mountain of hurt to heal. The same
is probably true in your marriage, whether the
issue is infidelity or something else like trust or verbal abuse.
Is it possible to come back once the trust is
broken? Benjamin, can you heal from your
ordeal? Or maybe it just makes sense to just
start over with someone else?
Most victims of infidelity (and other emotional
hardships) believe that they'll be safer in a
relationship with someone who never cheated on
them or hurt them. I completely understand this
FEELING. However, the OPPOSITE is most likely true.
In the case of the woman above, it appears that
her husband really changed. And I've seen many
people transform themselves after getting the "I
want a divorce" wake up call. Unless her husband
is a pathological liar or a sex addict, he's LESS
LIKELY to make the same mistake again compared to
someone whose track record is clean or only had a short
break in time from it once or twice before. In other
words, once a spouse learns their lesson, they're
LESS vulnerable to make the same mistake than
someone who's never erred in that way before.
According to a 1998 survey by researchers at the
University of Chicago, about 25 percent of
married men and 17 percent of married women in
the United States ADMIT to having been
unfaithful. The noted author Shirley Glass'
research suggests it is probably closer to 25
percent of women and 40 to 50 percent of men!
That means that starting from scratch gives the
above woman a 50% chance of finding another
husband who will be faithful.And if your spouse is 100%
faithful then you got something most do not get in life.
Now let me ask you this, at this point
in this woman's husband's life, given all he's
been through and learned, what are the chances
that he'll screw up again? If this woman gave him
another chance, what's the likelihood that he'd
make the same mistake that almost caused him to
lose his family years before? In my opinion, it's
dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it's
slim to none providing he has had enough time away
to actually see and understand im not talking one or two
weeks but a month or more so he reflects in a true manor..
Let me clarify that I'm talking in this case
about a man who truly transformed himself and
succeeded to prove that he's changed. I'm NOT
talking about someone who continually makes empty
promises.
If this woman were to leave her husband, I think
Las Vegas would give her LOWER odds that this
sort of thing would never happen to her again.
Here lies an unfortunate irony. People wait years
and years for their spouse to wake up and change
their ways. Then when they finally do it, they're
told it's too late.
I understand why someone would feel, after being
cheated on, for example, that "it's too late."
But the fact of the matter is that they're about
to walk away from a person who is FINALLY
prepared to be a wonderful loving spouse and might
be the one person they really do click with in life.
In my experience, it's these people, people who
have made serious mistakes, people who have had
the harshest wake up calls, who become the BEST
spouses and are capable, more than anyone else,
of forging the MOST fulfilling relationships.
Do you see the irony here?
The mistakes that ruin relationships are those
that transform the sinners into people capable of
the most outstanding relationships. The
unfortunate thing for the victim is that they
don't know how to heal from the hurt that would
enable them to reap the benefit of their ordeal.
So the roles become reversed. The person who was
ruining the relationship stands ready to
transform it; while the person who wanted to work
on the relationship all along becomes the cog in
the wheel that inhibits true love.
In other words, the woman above has a choice. If
she lets her husband go, he'll most likely fall
in love with another woman and treat her like a
queen. He'll be the husband to his new wife that
the woman above always wanted him to be to her.
I've seen it happen way to often in my job. Some lucky
women owes a poor victim a lot of gratitude. But this
woman has another option. She could forgive her
husband and become that lucky woman!
The question is: how do you heal from your
ordeal? How do you forgive? How do you get to the
head-space where you're able to give your spouse
another chance?

Now the question is can you force that to come to be so your in that situation and remember it can only be if he truely learns from this and really works on changing, just thought you might want to read that its from a true pro in marriage experiences so please dont take it for anything else but the real deal and could be were you could find your self sitting and at your age life is far from over so keep that in mind , i too dont want to start over im 31 and wanting nothing more then that last chance now that i do realize but its her choice to make but its one i think you would rather like and i do feel you can get there fast or you can find more in life those choices are there for you to make and all you got to do is act on them the right way and not "keep the peace cause of fear of a argument getting loud " you have control by not yelling back and keeping things under control on your end = again you cant fight a way when there isnt no one to fight


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## Blue Moon

As far as finances go, is everything getting paid on time? The reason I say that is sometimes people want equality in every aspect of a relationship, which just isn't possible. I agree that you should have access to the finances to see how they are being handles, but wanting "to be there" every time a bill is paid seems excessive. Splitting every task down the middle sounds good in theory, but sometimes with things like money, cooking, cleaning, and certain decisions, one person is just better equipped or more naturally able to handle things.


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## Blue Moon

Nevermind, just saw how old this thread was.


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## mrnice

Mieka said:


> I am so lost right now I don't know what I want. I just know I don't want to be with HIM. But the kids make it a pickle of a situation. If we didn't have kids I would have left him in a heartbeat (and he knows this).
> 
> Honestly, I can't imagine EVER getting married again. No way, no how. Plus, I have extremely conservative views, and this would not benefit the children in anyway.
> 
> I am so lost. So, SO Lost. I don't know what to do. I am unhappy, and don't want to work on things, because I KNOW it won't work. HE won't change. He is who he is. He is as stubborn as a mule, and thinks all of the problems are ME, not him.
> 
> The problem is that this has gone on for so long that I have no desire to reconcilate with him. And the onlly reason I would do that at this point is for the sake of convenience, and for the children.
> 
> I guess I will just keep going on extremely unhappy and dealing with severe anxiety. I guess that will just be my life.
> 
> Wow, I really hate him. Everytime I think of him I think of how much I despise him.
> 
> When he walks in the door I roll my eyes. I hate it when he talks. I hate it when he is home. He just took a second job and I am SO happy he is out of the house more. I am a ***** to him, because he is a jerk to me. Gaw, hate hate hate!
> If he would have treated me better we wouldn't be in this situation. He's an ass, what can I say.


My GOD you are in a world of hurt darling. 
I can only think that you married this man for security. 

He sounds like a real, as you said, JERK. 

He also sounds as though he can't be reasoned with. So I don't like your chances of trying to sort things out with him since he already knows you HATE him.
How sad. 
Im so sorry to hear about your marriage. Don't worry I think the majority of us on here are in the same boat. I know I am. Obviously not the same situation but yeh I know it's over for me and my soon to be ex-wife.


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## MoOhMyOh

Don't worry about it. I was in your situation 20 years ago and wanted to leave, didn't. BOY do I regret it! 

You're in the house, stay there and file for divorce... A divorce lawyer can explain how he will have to support you and the kids. If you truly hate him and he is as controlling as you say... leave him!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Let it die! This thread is 3 years old!!!


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## MoOhMyOh

I'm sorry I didn't notice the age of this thread. I found it from a google search "I hate my husband" LOL 

btw, that was rude of you, but you're not my concern... welcome to the form, right?


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## animal 2011

Ok, he sounds like a jerk that you'd be better off without. However, I would talk with him first and let him know you will leave him and he will pay for your lawyer unless he changes. Even set it up so youre in counseling when you have the talk. YOu can leave him without a job and he will have to pay for your lawyer and huge child support and spousal support til you get on your feet. But give him the opportunity to change firs.t


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

> btw, that was rude of you, but you're not my concern... welcome to the form, right?


It is not rude to point out that the thread is 3 years old. The original poster is NO LONGER LOOKING at the thread for responses, so any responses posted to that person are A WASTE OF TIME.

Feel free to start a BRAND NEW THREAD of your own entitled 'I hate my husband.'

You MIGHT want to read some of the "STICKY" notes in the different topics on this site so you will learn the rules of posting and responding on TAM.

Yeah, welcome to the FORUM, RIGHT.


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## RClawson

OP your husband is an abusive d!ck and you need to stop referring to him as a great father. Wonderful fathers do not abuse their wives. You need to call a women's shelter that is local to you and discuss your options. If nothing else establish a relationship with them so the next time your husband abuses you (and he will) you can leave with the kids the next morning. They will help you do the heavy lifting that you seem unable to do yourself.

Quit acting like you are doing your kids a favor by staying. Your kidding yourself.


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## Broken at 20

RClawson said:


> OP your husband is an abusive d!ck and you need to stop referring to him as a great father. Wonderful fathers do not abuse their wives. You need to call a women's shelter that is local to you and discuss your options. If nothing else establish a relationship with them so the next time your husband abuses you (and he will) you can leave with the kids the next morning. They will help you do the heavy lifting that you seem unable to do yourself.
> 
> Quit acting like you are doing your kids a favor by staying. Your kidding yourself.


You're not very good at reading the post BEFORE you post something are you?

Or is your scroll button broken?


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## RClawson

Broken at 20 said:


> You're not very good at reading the post BEFORE you post something are you?
> 
> Or is your scroll button broken?


Feel free to elaborate where I went wrong.


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## Hicks

Stop signing tax returns.


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