# Is he worth it?



## Darlin (Oct 15, 2013)

My DH has cheated with my best friend, 15 years. With counseling we got past it. 3 years ago he started Facebook friending lots of sexy female models. He friended several of his favorite sports bar waitresses. I finally caught on & left him last year. Mind you he is at least 30 years older than these girls. I took him back after he had a meltdown over the separation. He unfriended all the girls & promised not to go back to any of the sports bars to see them. BTW he admitted to being too friendly with them & said he probably shouldn't be visiting these girls. I have found out now he has visited the sports bar once a month for the last 4 months. He has had no other contact with them other than seeing them at the bar. I am so mad I want to leave him again. But my heart tells me it's harmless & let it go. But I do want to tell him I found out & am very unhappy. I am afraid that might lead to more anger & a separation. I know this man loves me very much. I just can't get past it & don't know how to. Any suggestions welcomed. Thank you.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

How long have you been married?
I Personally think it is very disrespectful to you and your relationship. 
However, I may be biased at the moment because I am going through a divorce (my stbxh did some of the FB stuff your husband is doing). 
By all means tell him it upsets you, ask what you both can do to fix this so you will not have these feelings. 
Ask him how to get past these feelings, ask him to compromise, ask if it is possible to attend counseling.
I believe strongly that marriage must be saved (mine wasn't). But in the end, he may be looking for something that he no longer gets from you, this is NOT your fault. 
People change, their priorities shift.
For example, my husband always regretted being married to me, he thought I stole his youth.
We are separated now, and he is FB friending all of his other ex girlfriends, a lot of women, he is liking all sorts of sports bars with beautiful women as servers (like Hooters).
He is having the time of his life.
Do I hate him for this?? A little bit, but this is my pride
because I feel he didn't even mourn our relationship (I could be wrong).
Ultimately, he thought he deserved a second chance at happiness, at being single (we are both 35, not too old).
HE is his own man. If he wants to be single and happy without a "nagging", "boring", wife then that is what he wants.
I love him so much to let him go. I love him enough to say good bye and good luck.
I will not take him back.

Anyway, communicate effectively with your husband. You both deserve all the happiness in the world.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

How does he love you, when he strays from marriage? 
Someone who loves doesn't do these things. Especially that he knows it bothers you and promised to you not to do it again.
Should any of these young models half his age open their legs, he'd forget you, marriage and everything. He is cheating with his intentions and he lusts after other women. 
Ask him how would he like if you would go to male stripping and drool over the hard abs and muscles of some 20 something years old guys? Maybe you can do so once and pretend to be captivated, so he gets a taste of his own medicine and wake up.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

No.


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## Darlin (Oct 15, 2013)

We have been married 35 years. The affaire only lasted 3 months & I do have taped conversations where I could tell he was trying to get out of it as they were co-workers & he was her boss. It ultimately ended with us leaving the state & he ask for the transfer. The other stuff started after I gave him some freedom as I learned to trust him more. But I have lost that trust once again. Now I spend my time trying to track his every move on his computer, phone and the toll way bill. I am tired of living with someone I can't trust. I will have that talk with him, I am just afraid of how it will end. I know he loves me as he treats me like a queen. Anything I want I get. I feel that his guilt is why he is so good to me. He also had a mental breakdown when I left him last time, so I am afraid to leave again. I am just so tired of not trusting him. Yes, I have thought about going out myself to happy hour with coworkers or friends too. I think that is what I will start, giving him a taste of his own medicine so to speak. He works at home, but occasionally has to travel.


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

Well, a part of me wants to tell you that his actions are not that bad and you should just let it go. But the fact is, he betrayed your trust and it is getting really hard for you to trust him again. I guess if you think you can trust him again, then it might be worth it. But if not, then the relationship is doomed.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I do not think any of us can tell you if he is worth it FOR YOU. We can say how we would feel in your place, but in the end, you need to decide if he is worth it. I do think, however, that your asking should give you the answer, even if it is something you do not want to admit to yourself.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Darlin said:


> We have been married 35 years. The affaire only lasted 3 months & I do have taped conversations where I could tell he was trying to get out of it as they were co-workers & he was her boss. It ultimately ended with us leaving the state & he ask for the transfer. The other stuff started after I gave him some freedom as I learned to trust him more. But I have lost that trust once again. Now I spend my time trying to track his every move on his computer, phone and the toll way bill. I am tired of living with someone I can't trust. I will have that talk with him, I am just afraid of how it will end. I know he loves me as he treats me like a queen. Anything I want I get. I feel that his guilt is why he is so good to me. He also had a mental breakdown when I left him last time, so I am afraid to leave again. I am just so tired of not trusting him. Yes, I have thought about going out myself to happy hour with coworkers or friends too. I think that is what I will start, giving him a taste of his own medicine so to speak. He works at home, but occasionally has to travel.


Your husband sounds like someone with a sexual addiction. Has he been evaluated for this? 

He needs to stop talking to the ladies at the sports bar. His brain chemistry is messed up with the high of the attention from these phony women who only offer him rapt attention in order to get better tips. 

He needs to go cold turkey so his brain chemistry can go back to normal. 

Can you get him to a sex addictions counselor?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

A mental breakdown is not a reason return, that's just letting him be manipulative. .Now he knows that he can do what he wants and just lose it when you find out and you'll stick around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

To answer your question short - NO. He isn't.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If you have to ask, the answer is probably no.

After reading your situation, I'd say the answer is definitely no.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I wouldn't put up with it. and the sad thing that a lot of men don't understand these days is that younger women aren't impressed with older men. They're most likely mocking him and calling him desperate. Ah, yes, but he thought he was hot property at the sports bar giving free drinks to the (younger) ladies.

I couldn't be bothered with someone who wants to let that much energy out of our marriage.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

> Now I spend my time trying to track his every move on his computer, phone and the toll way bill. I am tired of living with someone I can't trust. I will have that talk with him, I am just afraid of how it will end. I know he loves me as he treats me like a queen. Anything I want I get. I feel that his guilt is why he is so good to me. He also had a mental breakdown when I left him last time, so I am afraid to leave again


On Darlin
I feel your pain so much. I reminds me of what I went through. I thought I was going crazy, I hated myself for doing those things. I truly loved my husband, I elevated him to a semi God status which is not fair nor a good thing to do to another human being.

Ultimately, you are your own woman, you are a beautiful creation of the Living God. Trust him. Pray to him.
Do not worry about a mental breakdown from him. My stbxh had one of his own, and came out a changed, happy individual.
I always worried too much about him, still do.

Go to therapy. 
Good luck to you


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Currently, no. Could he be? Maybe.

I'll tell you one thing for damn sure, the two of you have a huge communication/trust issues. You trust a bunch of strangers on the internet more than you trust him to bring up this issue. It is an issue, and you are rightfully bothered by it. You need to be open and honest, so does he frankly, but you control you, not him. You can tell him he needs to be honest too, and you can tell him it's over if he isn't. You can't make him be honest, but you can be yourself, and you can choose not to accept anything less than honesty from him. The deception or avoidance or whatever it is that motivates you both to hide your true selves from one another does far greater damage than the harm you may be trying to avoid. So start by being honest. Maybe check out some strategies from the Gottman's on effective communication, and then start the 'hard' conversation. Put your issues on the table, and ask him to do the same. Tell what your perception is, and how it makes you feel. Try not to attack, nor project or assume. Speak for yourself, and try to listen to him speaking for himself. You may call him out if he attempts to lie or minimize, but try to do it gently. See where the conversation goes. He will show you if he is worth it, all by himself.


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