# Is Resentment a stage like denial, anger, depression?



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

I've quite clearly felt myself progress through definite stages (e.g. anger or sadness( of processing my husband's betrayal. For the past couple weeks, I feel as if I've entered a stage of "resentment". Did any of you BSs experience resentment more pronounced at a particular time or is it a constant that just gets stronger?

It's really bad. I'm starting to find my husband less attractive and more annoying (even though he is making serious efforts in our relationship). The resentment is great. Will it subside the same way the anger stage did? 

I can't believe how I went from adoring him to this. I hope it is a stage of this grief and misery.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Resentment isn't a stage it's serious.

It doesn't go away of it's own accord but sits and grows and festers until you do something to rid yourself of it.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Bitterness stems from anger not dealt with, so does resentment. 

Holding onto anger is not healthy for anyone. You have to deal with it, let it go and release it or it will build in you in unhealthy ways. Find an outlet for it.

I have to hand my kids back over to my WWEXW every Tuesday. I go to the gym to release my built up anger about that and it helps me greatly... Tiring the mind and body and taking something negative and turning it into a positive is the way to go.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I have an extreme amount of resentment toward my wife and om at times. 
I go and beat the crap out of a punching bag an it really helps. 
Also when i get my daughter to laughing and running around all wild (shes 18 months old) that really helps. 
Basically i try to replace that resentment with an emotion i can better handle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Resentment isn't something I'd say is a stage. It is something there that's lurking under the surface. Happens a lot if you tend to brush things under the rug, hold grudges or the person that hurt you hasn't shown remorse/understanding or made ammends and you're having a hard time healing from what happened. The latter is what causes my resentment. You might have good times with that person but once something triggers your memory BAM, the anger, sadness, hurt etc. from those old issues erupts. 

If working on an R, it's definitely something you need to address. I have a lot of resentment towards my ex (rightfully so). I'm still in the process of letting that go but it definitely does interfere with my life more than I'd like it to.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Resentment can be healthy like others stated only in the way you channel it. Taking that energy and channeling it into working out, a hobby or personal growth. A learning experience for sure, letting it become a part of you or define you no. 

Be careful when treading that fine line of developing a lifestyle of resentment and letting your emotions out and get past them. I use my sometimes fits of frustration at my wifes careless actions to push me harder in the gym. Ironically this anger has led me to become more attractive in her eyes as I've gone longer and harder at the gym due to it. 

I found a way to make it work for me, and it's subsided a great deal. Like above, as long as they show some kind of remoarse (assuming you're still together) it'll eventually burn out. If you're not together anymore, relationship wise, I'd channel it into something like excercise, hobby, new friendships or really anything but focusing on the painful memory. Forgetting isn't good, dwelling is worse.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I think there can be healthy ways to channel it. I tend to write really hateful songs about things that piss me off. Usually way over the top offensive stuff, like that band Anal C*nt. It amuses other people, helps relieve some of my anger, and it general feels productive. 

Or I play a violent video game. That guy I just shot in the head? That monster I just killed? Those are my hatred.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks all. Lately I have been erratic on TAM. I start a post and then fail to read the replies, and then go back a week or two weeks later. 

I think it's because I'm finding it difficult to even "be". It takes so much energy to type a message, to write eloquently, to say anything worthwhile at the moment. 

I'm not channeling my energy properly. Part of the problem is that I'm in grad school and am struggling to get all my work done. I have no extra time to spare working out - though yes I waste time on TAM. But I really need TAM. I need it to make sense of everything. I'm not sure how I got here. 

I envy all of you who put your anger/pain into working out. I have the tendency to sleep, stay in the house, lament existence, philosophize the meaning of things I once believed, and just sit and think about my future. The one exception to my pathetic hiding from the world is taking my dog out for walks and to dog parks. Dog parks are the one place I live in the moment. I also sometimes am able to immerse myself in my studies. Other times, like tonight, I am behind on my school work but unable to focus after getting upset and making my WS upset over something small yet big.

Resentment is dangerous. I don't want it to take me over. Then again, resentment reflected upon may be helpful. I take refuge in the fact that all can be dealt with slowly. I don't need to rush moving on if I'm not there yet. 

Again, thank you and apologies for not responding sooner.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

It derives mostly from the Anger family.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

i can relate im atm in a resentment phase, it seem like it started to kick inn more when my wufe started to do everything right. I keep asking myself if you say you love me so much now, were the hell was that when you were off spending time with the om..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

ody360 said:


> i can relate im atm in a resentment phase, it seem like it started to kick inn more when my wufe started to do everything right. I keep asking myself if you say you love me so much now, were the hell was that when you were off spending time with the om..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ody,

That's the strange part. My resentment also is greater now that my WH is really trying. Me too: How can you love me and have stabbed me in the heart? I really don't understand. 

Above all, though, betrayal is a roller coaster ride. Yesterday I was so overcome with love for him. Most of the time I recognize he is trying but I feel this resentment that I push away. While he is remorseful, I wish he out of the blue would say, "I cannot believe that I hurt you the way I did. I love you. I am so so very sorry." He apologizes but never out of the blue. It's never that he is staring at me thinking, "god, how can I have done this to her." It's when conflict occurs. 

I'm probably expecting too much. Ody, I hope we get through the resentment sooner rather than later. There's no undoing what's done. Why can't our hearts accept this hard fact?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

it will even out. i feel resentment at times when my wife is telling me how she loves me and how sorry she is and how she wishes she could go back and change things.
as time goes on, for me anyway, as she is consistent in those words and even more so in her actions, the resentment is starting to fade.
time and remorse, and most importantly ACTIONS from your ww will eventually start replacing that resentment with the feeling that your WS really does love you and really is remorseful for making the bad decisions.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

naga75 said:


> it will even out. i feel resentment at times when my wife is telling me how she loves me and how sorry she is and how she wishes she could go back and change things.
> as time goes on, for me anyway, as she is consistent in those words and even more so in her actions, the resentment is starting to fade.


Yeah, such a catch 22.
Truth is it also takes tons of patience from the wayward part.


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