# Fc



## Pat11 (Jul 6, 2021)

Looking for help and guidance married 7 years 2 kids and my wife last night in bed suggested we start thinking about a weekend away alone to do whatever and whoever we want on a bi monthly or quarterly basis has anyone done this what were the challenges 
Sex has recently been amazing trying new things as it got a bit stale and bland but both parties currently happy just unsure why she has suggested if she's not 100% content ....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So she wants to go away with another man? You do realise she has probably already got a guy in mind? What do you think of her wanting to committ adultery?


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## Pat11 (Jul 6, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So she wants to go away with another man? You do realise she has probably already got a guy in mind? What do you think of her wanting to committ adultery?


I feel hurt but ultimately we have a very strong relationship with zero trust issues basically she wants to dominated and I can't be that person for her


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Pat11 said:


> I feel hurt but ultimately we have a very strong relationship with zero trust issues basically she wants to dominated and I can't be that person for her


Well its not about trust. She has already shown she can't be trusted by suggesting it. So you are ok with her having other men?
For most people this would be a total no no.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You will not get much positive advice on here regarding opening a marriage, and not many on here have any experience of it, although there are a few.

In the meantime you will be told that it's a very bad idea, and always fails.

The fact that you are both currently happy is a good start though.

But. .why did the sex suddenly get better there? Could there be someone else already?

I see she has a kink that you can't meet.
Domination doesn't have to include full sex though. Or be in person, as there are online options.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. So, are you OK with your wife ****ing other men? If so, good luck I guess. Just understand that it is probably 99.5% chance this will destroy and ultimately end you marriage.

2. It’s extremely likely that your wife is already cheating on you and ****ing another man/men. She’s now looking to get your permission to do it openly because she thinks you may be weak enough to agree.


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## Pat11 (Jul 6, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Well its not about trust. She has already shown she can't be trusted by suggesting it. So you are ok with her having other men?
> For most people this would be a total no no.


I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Pat11 said:


> Looking for help and guidance married 7 years 2 kids and my wife last night in bed suggested we start thinking about a weekend away alone to do whatever and whoever we want on a bi monthly or quarterly basis has anyone done this what were the challenges
> Sex has recently been amazing trying new things as it got a bit stale and bland but both parties currently happy just unsure why she has suggested if she's not 100% content ....



She already is sleeping with someone. Sorry


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You do say no, no way… and then see how she reacts.

Because she already knows you’re not going to do what she’s planning to do, she’s already worked this out. She’s pulling all the strings.

Really truly deep down, the person that suggests this sort of thing does it for two reasons: 1. they want you to do the same bad thing so they can justify their own behaviour and throw it in your face - ‘Ha! But you did it too! Look what you did to meee!’ (It comes in handy later, doesn’t it 😏)

2. They really don’t want you seeing others, they’re testing the waters to see your reaction 😉

But lucky you, you’ve been given a heads up and a warning. You actually have more control than you think, be very smart now. Most people don’t get this much of a head start.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Pat11 said:


> I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


OK, so you’re clearly not on board with other men ****ing your wife.

The ONLY thing that might possibly save your marriage, is to tell her NO. Not maybe, not I’ll think about it, not we can discuss it. Tell her NO. Tell her you will not share your life with other men and it’s not negotiable. If having sex with other men is more important to her than you and her marriage, then divorce her immediately.
It’s called being a man of strength and integrity and having boundaries.

she has very little respect for you to suggest this. And if you allow this, she will lose any and all remaining respect and she might still have.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Pat11 said:


> Looking for help and guidance married 7 years 2 kids and my wife last night in bed suggested we start thinking about a weekend away alone to do whatever and whoever we want on a bi monthly or quarterly basis has anyone done this what were the challenges
> Sex has recently been amazing trying new things as it got a bit stale and bland but both parties currently happy just unsure why she has suggested if she's not 100% content ....


My wife and I've had an open (consensually non-monogamous CNM) relationship for over 20 years, starting very shortly after we first met. It has worked very nicely for us. We discussed everything in great depth before making the decision, and revisit the discussion, agreement, parameters, limitations whenever needed. You will probably want some rules to begin with, but avoid being too specific or restrictive - that takes away a lot of the fun. It's easy to see the upside, but you REALLY need to examine the potential downsides (ranging from time management to dealing with jealousy or inequity). Most often when someone proposes this, they ARE content, but realize that _much more is possible_; as one of our CNM couple friends once said, "We have a filet mignon sex life at home every day, but sometimes we just want chicken!" In other words, variety is exciting and refreshing, and that can spill over into your own sex life.

I don't recommend starting this in the way you've mentioned. She will have NO problem finding partners, but you will probably have little or no luck for a long time, if at all - it's simply supply and demand at work. As such, you'll be frustrated and probably won't want to continue, while she'll be having a great time. Yes, it _can_ still work if you agree that _you_ go first, and then you balance such experiences so neither of you is left out; but that's difficult, and may kill things before they even get started. *IF* you want to pursue this - and of course you DO NOT have to! - then I recommend you do things together as a couple. Joining a swinger site and finding another couple (or a bunch!) to swap with is a much easier introduction to this, and probably safer as well. There are probably socials or house parties where you can meet couples without committing to doing anything, and see how that feels. Or you can meet another couple one on one and decide if/when to take things further. Once you have some mutual experiences, you can decide if it makes sense to expand from there into playing separately, etc.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Pat11 said:


> I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


Well, there's your answer. You CAN just say no, and say it would hurt you too much. If your marriage is good, she will accept this, even though she may have to compromise on having all her needs met.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There are quite a few instances where someone has asked for open marriage when an affair is already happening, so they don't have to hide it, or they want permission to go from EA to PA. This is a red flag.

You say sex has recently been amazing... this is also a red flag, as often times during an affair, the cheating spouse is learning new things from their AP and bringing those home.

I would simply say you are not comfortable with that idea currently, then don't accuse her of anything.... but go into recon mode to confirm if she is already in an affair...

It would be highly unusual for a married person to go along with an open marriage idea, so don't feel weird saying no...

Does she guard her phone?

Have you looked at your phone records online to see who she is calling?

Don't accuse her of anything until you have bulletproof evidence.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Come on man. I can tell you want nothing to do with this. Man up and tell her NO! Then put your investigator's hat on and find out who her target is.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pat11 said:


> Looking for help and guidance married 7 years 2 kids and my wife last night in bed suggested we start thinking about a weekend away alone to do whatever and whoever we want on a bi monthly or quarterly basis has anyone done this what were the challenges
> Sex has recently been amazing trying new things as it got a bit stale and bland but both parties currently happy just unsure why she has suggested if she's not 100% content ....


Because she’s already started.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Might as well say goodbye to your marriage now......you play stupid games you win stupid prizes


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Pat11 said:


> I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


Most people who had self respect would say no way. She is free to sleep around but not while married to you. You can say no.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Pat11 said:


> I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


Because you tell her there is NO WAY you are comfortable with her having sex with anyone else. Sometimes fantasies should be LEFT as fantasies. Just tell her it's not something you can deal with and if she wants to pursue that, she'd have to do it as a divorced woman.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Pat11 said:


> I feel hurt but ultimately we have a very strong relationship with zero trust issues basically she wants to dominated and I can't be that person for her


 I have a friend that once told me about his life style he is a father of 2 and divorced , 
he got divorced because of his kink of SM 
HE now has a woman friend that she is married but her husband is not into BDSM so once a month she sees this divorced man 
they go away on trips in the summer for a week they are together now if you can call it together for years 
some times all 3 go out for dinner , both men know each other and are friends , just the husband does not partake in the BGSM life of his wife and her master 

it works for them because they are open about it she has a need for domination and getting tied up with ropes 
all I can say some people are able live with open marriages and they work and they seem to have better marriages than others that are together but living a lie


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Numb26 said:


> She already is sleeping with someone. Sorry


Yep, go online and check your phone bill.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

All we can respond on is on the info you give and you have made 3 posts all of which seem to say your not ok with it , 
First you say your against it , and as your say your against it we here can support in it so I say you must tell her NO full stop

 You SAY ""I feel hurt but ultimately we have a very strong relationship with zero trust issues " 
but I am sorry I think your wrong in having trust in this woman unless you can say how this subject has come into your life , 
because it looks like your wife is cheating on you and it looks like she wants to now spend more time away with her lover , 



Pat11 said:


> I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


If we go along with this post just hold her and tell her you love her and you can not except her having relations with other people , 
you have to ask her what does she feel is missing in your life that makes her think she wants this , 

it is not normal for a husband or wife to drop a bomb like this 
normally when a married person want to try an open marriage they look for someone on a site for swingers or forums for it or Facebook or the more stupid ones look for a work mate , 
like a man I once worked for once said don't ever crap on your own doorstep , 

show your wife what she has got she has a husband and family that need her and love her she has a job and a home , 
if there is something she wants to try in bed with you fine you are ready to except and open to try things 
but you are not ok with her idea of an open marriage , 
a marriage can only work if your able to talk to each other so you thank her for been honest to you and airing her feelings and her wish for something new 
but it is not for you and that she can use role play in bed with you at times if she wants


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

OP, you've said or implied that you know your wife has needs or desires that you know you cannot meet (i.e., a dom-sub situation), and she's broached the idea of opening up one weekend a month (or less) presumably so she could pursue this interest. You've said you have zero trust issues, implying that your relationship is good, with honest, open communication between the two of you. Certainly, you are enjoying great sex and trying some new things, which would generally be consistent with good communication.

Others have responded that all of this indicates that she is already cheating on you. While that could definitely be a possibility, and you should be vigilant and fully investigate, I'm not so sure.

In the little bit of research I've done on opening up, the experts all agree that it is not a solution for a troubled marriage (with the possible exception of a mixed-orientation marriage), as successfully opening up requires a solid foundation to build on, with excellent relationship skills, to make it all work.

The idea that one person can meet all of our needs forever is a quaint notion. And if somebody does have needs that cannot be met within their primary relationship, their options are to go without or look outside the relationship; and in the latter case that could be done secretively or in the open, with at least the full knowledge of, if not the consent of, their primary partner. To be in the open, they have to at least bring it up for discussion.

If you do have zero trust issues, and you know they have needs that you cannot meet, then I think it would be worth at least hearing them out... You can always say no at anytime.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You do not have a "very strong marriage". Your wife wants to ditch you for the weekend so she can screw Joe Blow and/or Mary Jane.

How do you tell her no? You don't. You tell her Hellz No! Routine STD checks do not appeal to you and you don't fancy having a cum dumpster for a wife. If she wants to go that route, okey dokey; but, it won't be as your wife.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You do not have a "very strong marriage". Your wife wants to ditch you for the weekend so she can screw Joe Blow and/or Mary Jane.
> 
> How do you tell her no? You don't. You tell her Hellz No! Routine STD checks do not appeal to you and you don't fancy having a cum dumpster for a wife. If she wants to go that route, okey dokey; but, it won't be as your wife.



This!

Look man, you're 7 years in. Don't wait until you are on the hook for years (maybe lifetime) alimony. We're not telling you anything you didn't already know. The fact you posted the question shows you know this is f'ed up.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Pat11 said:


> I know in my heart that when she's away ill be thinking who is she with ect. I didnt bring the idea up but how do I say no and still keep my marriage feels like she wants different than what I can provide


Then give her the dominance she craves and tell her no and if she doesn't like it then too ****ing bad.

At this point I wouldn't be sweating the loss of your marriage, its already half gone.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> So she wants to go away with another man? You do realise she has probably already got a guy in mind? What do you think of her wanting to committ adultery?





Pat11 said:


> I feel hurt but ultimately we have a very strong relationship with zero trust issues basically she wants to dominated and I can't be that person for her


You kind of needed to leed with that.
There are some people here that can be helpful to you.
I think it is pretty good that you are rejecting this particular solution.
I think that people can find good ways to manage almost any relationship style. 
I may be pretzel making here but I'm not sure she already has a partner, or even a partner in mind.
I like that she is communicating openly with you.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> You do not have a "very strong marriage". Your wife wants to ditch you for the weekend so she can screw Joe Blow and/or Mary Jane.
> 
> How do you tell her no? You don't. You tell her Hellz No! Routine STD checks do not appeal to you and you don't fancy having a cum dumpster for a wife. If she wants to go that route, okey dokey; but, it won't be as your wife.


Okay, I now want to meet @Blondilocks, too. (Reference to meeting a TAMer thread.)


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sfort said:


> Okay, I now want to meet @Blondilocks, too. (Reference to meeting a TAMer thread.)


Careful what you say. She remembers everything and reads between the lines like she has a crystal ball. If anyone on this forum is lying she will catch it when they have a screw up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Careful what you say. She remembers everything and reads between the lines like she has a crystal ball. If anyone on this forum is lying she will catch it when they have a screw up.


LOL I've got my eye on you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

tinny tiny thread jack here.


Pat11 said:


> my wife last night in bed suggested we start thinking about a weekend away alone to do whatever and whoever we want on a bi monthly or quarterly basis


biMonthly
Apparently bimonthly has two acceptable meanings, Either twice per month, or every other month. As OP included the possibility of quarterly (once every 3 months) I've got to assume that OP Wife meant every other month. FWIW

The good news is that my wife and I are now on the same page re. sexual frequency for the first time in 20 years. We both think the frequency should be biweekly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Pat11 Be dominant with her. Just say: "No! There is no way this is acceptable!"

If she still wants to play away, divorce her.


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