# I feel like it's my turn now.



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So my wife has had 2 EAs over the course of our 18 years of marriage. My self esteem is shot so now I feel like I should get a chance to go out and find a beautiful young woman to do the same with. Feel good about myself. Feel the excitement.

Not that I actually would or even think it's a good idea because it's not...but the thoughts and desire plagues me now.

Does anyone else in my situation have these feeling too?


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## Gemini223 (Aug 20, 2010)

I know EXACTLY how you feel and I know I'm going to catch a lot of heat for this but go ahead and do it.

I got joy out of pursuing one in spite and have not felt an ounce of guilt. Actually, made me realize that I don't love my husband and should go ahead and leave him after years of debating.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Bahahaha...never thought I would hear that answer 

Gemini, was he okay with it? I have actually brought that up with my wife and she said "go ahead" I think because it might make her feel better but I absolutely don't understand why she would be okay with it,


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

called revenge sex...If your wife says go ahead thats the first problem....It would put you on equal levels but then would you flip a coin to see who goes next..........


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## Gemini223 (Aug 20, 2010)

Never told my husband but I will tell you this much the fact that he was having the EA exposed there were problems in the marriage... if he was in love with me, secure in the relationship he would have never crossed the line. Same goes for me. I felt damaged, felt I was entitled to affection. Pursuing the EA helped me figure out if I really loved him or not.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Yeah. I guess feeling 'entitled' to affection is exactly how I feel.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My H had a EA that led to a PA, and at first I did think that I should do the same out of spite. Hey, you think you are the only one that can find someone else? No sir. I can walk out that door right now and find someone to f*** me. But then when I calmed down I realized that wasn't who I was. He had changed enough about me, I wasn't going to let him drag me down to the level that he was in. I was better than that. 

I can understand feeling entitled, but you also have to understand that you are giving up part of yourself just out of spite.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I get how you feel!!!

I have changed after my husband's EA but not to the point of tit for tat. I used to completely ignore all other men, probably because I am fiercely loyal by nature and my husband was always such a handful I couldn't even entertain the idea of complicating things by involving myself with someone else! But my husband's EA has made me understand _HE_ is NOT loyal by nature (or at least has a hard time controlling himself!!!) and therefore I had better take care of myself. Now I am friendly to all men. If they complement me, I smile and say thank you, but really nothing more. I would have not even responded to a strangers complement before his EA. Maybe this is a good thing. I do know I am trying my best.

I hope we find our way <3


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> I get how you feel!!!
> 
> I have changed after my husband's EA but not to the point of tit for tat. I used to completely ignore all other men, probably because I am fiercely loyal by nature and my husband was always such a handful I couldn't even entertain the idea of complicating things by involving myself with someone else! But my husband's EA has made me understand _HE_ is NOT loyal by nature (or at least has a hard time controlling himself!!!) and therefore I had better take care of myself. Now I am friendly to all men. If they complement me, I smile and say thank you, but really nothing more. I would have not even responded to a strangers complement before his EA. Maybe this is a good thing. I do know I am trying my best.
> 
> I hope we find our way <3


Wow really? I find myself totally doing the exact same thing now. Being much more friendly with other women all around.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

tj71 said:


> Wow really? I find myself totally doing the exact same thing now. Being much more friendly with other women all around.


They reaped what they sowed. I think we will never look at our spouses quite the same way again. I know I will never blindly trust him like before; fool me once shame on him, fool me twice shame on me. 

I'm more independent and I look at other guys now, maybe that's not such a bad thing.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> They reaped what they sowed. I think we will never look at our spouses quite the same way again. I know I will never blindly trust him like before; fool me once shame on him, fool me twice shame on me.
> 
> I'm more independent and I look at other guys now, maybe that's not such a bad thing.


I understand. This was the second time for me.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I hope God gives you the strength to find your way tj71. 5 kids and an unpredictable/disloyal wife is a lot more than most men could handle, you should be very proud of yourself <3


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> I hope God gives you the strength to find your way tj71. 5 kids and an unpredictable/disloyal wife is a lot more than most men could handle, you should be very proud of yourself <3


Thanks...me too. I pray every day. I'm not perfect by far.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

DawnD said:


> My H had a EA that led to a PA, and at first I did think that I should do the same out of spite. Hey, you think you are the only one that can find someone else? No sir. I can walk out that door right now and find someone to f*** me. But then when I calmed down I realized that wasn't who I was. He had changed enough about me, I wasn't going to let him drag me down to the level that he was in. I was better than that.
> 
> I can understand feeling entitled, but you also have to understand that you are giving up part of yourself just out of spite.


Women>Men when it comes to finding people to sleep with them. :smthumbup: Any guy is stupid to think otherwise.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

So now I am feeling almost overwhelmed with the desire to "get even" with her by doing something stupid. I could easily go down the same road she did and I don't want to. I am not sure this would be very healthy.

We had a horrible fight yesterday so I went for a ride. While I was out I honked at a sexy young runner...which I never have done...then I texted a female friend of ours about it that knows about our situation. So yeah...now I'm no better than my wife is. I feel pretty crappy about it.

I told my wife about it (of course cuz I'm not going to be secretive...ever) and she was pretty pissed.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I'm more concerned about the text than the honk. But what goes around comes around and if she got pissed maybe you woke her up.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

yogachick said:


> I'm more concerned about the text than the honk. But what goes around comes around and if she got pissed maybe you woke her up.


Yeah, it's the text that is the whole issue. it's an issue with me as well. I'm mad I even did it. But the whole time i was only doing it because I was mad at her and wanted to get even. Wanted to get something of the same that I feel like I deserved. Though I know I don't. I know it was wrong...but didn't care.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

tj71 said:


> So my wife has had 2 EAs over the course of our 18 years of marriage. My self esteem is shot so now I feel like I should get a chance to go out and find a beautiful young woman to do the same with. Feel good about myself. Feel the excitement.
> 
> Not that I actually would or even think it's a good idea because it's not...but the thoughts and desire plagues me now.
> 
> Does anyone else in my situation have these feeling too?


You're not alone, my man. Caught my wife having an affair with a former flame a few weeks ago, after she lied about it for the previous six months. And although she claims that things have ended with him, there's not a day that goes by that I *don't* think about returning the favor, just so she can feel the same kind of pain and agony I've had going inside.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Simon Phoenix said:


> You're not alone, my man. Caught my wife having an affair with a former flame a few weeks ago, after she lied about it for the previous six months. And although she claims that things have ended with him, there's not a day that goes by that I *don't* think about returning the favor, just so she can feel the same kind of pain and agony I've had going inside.


In most cases I think liars and cheaters are wired differently than loyals. I don't think they would feel "the same kind of pain and agony" the way we do if we "returned the favor". I think they would just laugh it off, it's like life is a game to them. They don't seem to be as deep as us. There is a benefit to their way of viewing the world and there is a benefit to our way of viewing the world. The marriage counselor seemed to be nudging me to the "other side".......so strange, it just feels wrong and shallow.......but I guess if you can't beat em join em????


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

So you texted and honked - and then immediately felt bad about it and told your wife.

Don't know your whole story, but did your wife come straight to you and confess after every text?

I get what you are feeling, but you have to be true to yourself. If having an EA isn't in your nature - if you are a kind, decent, caring person - don't go against who you are because you'll regret it.

I mean, if you feel bad after a text and a honk, how would you feel if you had done anything worse?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

yogachick said:


> In most cases I think liars and cheaters are wired differently than loyals. I don't think they would feel "the same kind of pain and agony" the way we do if we "returned the favor". I think they would just laugh it off, it's like life is a game to them. They don't seem to be as deep as us. There is a benefit to their way of viewing the world and there is a benefit to our way of viewing the world. The marriage counselor seemed to be nudging me to the "other side".......so strange, it just feels wrong and shallow.......but I guess if you can't beat em join em????


Another great difference - when they cheated WE WERE NOWHERE IN THEIR THOUGHTS - THEY WERE DOING IT FOR PURELY SELFISH REASONS. 

If "we" do it, because of "them", its not nearly the same.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

My husband said he felt guilty when he was doing what he was doing so I was in there somewhere.....good to know he has a soul <3


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

yogachick said:


> In most cases I think liars and cheaters are wired differently than loyals. I don't think they would feel "the same kind of pain and agony" the way we do if we "returned the favor". I think they would just laugh it off, it's like life is a game to them. They don't seem to be as deep as us. There is a benefit to their way of viewing the world and there is a benefit to our way of viewing the world.


and 



nice777guy said:


> Another great difference - when they cheated WE WERE NOWHERE IN THEIR THOUGHTS - THEY WERE DOING IT FOR PURELY SELFISH REASONS.
> 
> If "we" do it, because of "them", its not nearly the same.


Just a note here that I hope is also relevant to tj71, the original poster. Spouses who are disloyal are not "wired different" and are now without a soul or purely selfish. To be honest, that's one of the issues that helps to create someone who is disloyal: the "that could never happen to me because I'm better than that" attitude. I speak as someone who was betrayed and lost a husband, a father, a million-dollar business, a 4000 sqft home--and as someone who knew all about affairs and still had one anyway due to lack of honest communication and addressing issues (both his and my own). 

Seriously, it's not as if loyal spouses are all good, honest, kind, gentle, loving souls who were wrongfully abused at the hand of their thoughtless, evil, dishonest abuser of a spouse. Both spouses have gradually decreased the Love Kindlers over the years and both have increased the Love Extinguishers, and both are vulnerable. For whatever reason, along comes someone in the disloyal's life and rather than knowing themselves and knowing their own weaknesses, they have a weak boundary about opposite sex friends or what's appropriate and they cross a little line. Then another. Then another. 

I point this out A) because their are disloyal people who write on this forum and our goal here is to HELP them, not talk as if "all disloyals are evil, heartless monsters" and B) because if you don't look at your own self, chances are fairly good you could become a disloyal--especially if you blame someone else (like "It's all his/her fault and I was blameless"). The more you get to know yourself and get to know your own weaknesses--the better and stronger boundaries you can put in place around yourself to protect yourself from becoming unfaithful.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Yes I _was_ "blameless" for my husband's misbehavior. I am not a perfect wife & he is not a perfect husband. I remained faithful & he didn't. I did lots of things wrong *for which he is **blameless *and vice versa. We are all responsible for our own behavior. 

You have a nice formula which problably fits most of the situations most of the time. My husband is sought after for his wealth and power and easily hoodwinked due to his mental illness, it was a perfect storm. He was* seduced* by a very young, beautiful and intelligent goldigger. She planned her every move....the details I'll spare you. There was no little by little dwindling of anything, he went from being madly in love with me _to not_ overnight....maybe think about possibly believeing that....it just might actually be true.

And for the record, I don't think all cheaters are evil people; I just think they tend to be more social and extroverted.


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