# what hurts the most



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

You know what sucks,is that people who were your friends when you were married, who always hung out with you, who said they would still be theree for you after the divorce....now they are always busy when you ask what they are doing. I get the hint, I'm persona non grata now. Its a lonely feeling sometimes to be outcast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Now you know who your real friends are, that shouldn't be hurting you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> You know what sucks,is that people who were your friends when you were married, who always hung out with you, who said they would still be theree for you after the divorce....now they are always busy when you ask what they are doing. I get the hint, I'm persona non grata now. Its a lonely feeling sometimes to be outcast.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proud,

I'll be gentle.

The same objective look you have taken at your spouse needs to be taken with your friends.

Don't live with your delusions.

They are what they are.

And, like most people, they're in it for them - not you.

It's what you should expect.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I hear you proud. There are a couple people that I made friends with and introduced them to her.. who only talked to her after this all went down. When they did talk to me they offered no support but I know they supported her. So I cut all ties with them.

They also tell her everything she needs to hear, seeing how with at least one of them I had it out with last year in regards to my family life. He decided to get involved and I told him off, of course we smoothed things over but as soon as this happened he chose his side.

Oh well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I have a couple of contradictory thoughts about this, Proud.

Are you too negative and constantly complaining with your friends? If so, try to be more upbeat and positive so they do not feel like they have to listen to yet another pity party from you.

My other thought is they either side with your STBXW, or they only relate to both of you as a couple. They may fear the "contagion" of divorce. If that is true, then drop them and make new friends. You do not need that sort of friend in your life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The better looking your spouse is, the more likely your "friends" are to now associate with her.

Wake up folks.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> You know what sucks,is that people who were your friends when you were married, who always hung out with you, who said they would still be theree for you after the divorce....now they are always busy when you ask what they are doing. I get the hint, I'm persona non grata now. Its a lonely feeling sometimes to be outcast.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'll play devil's advocate. If you've been relying on the same people or persons too much, it's also draining on them (good to spread the "need" among a few friends). I was careful to to emotionally overburden friends. Not saying this if the case with you, Proud, but it is something to keep in mind. Some friends will be more supportive than others. 

*You are not a persona non grata.*

By the way, instead of asking what they're going, why not be more direct? Instead of asking what they are doing, why not asking something specific, like do you want to see a movie? Want to go out for a beer? Can I be included in your will?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Guess, as usual, I must be the exception. Most of the couples that we were friends with did disappear at the beginning of our debacle. They retreated, rather hastily, from both of us. Over the past year, though, a number of those friends have sought me out and we are now re-establishing the friendships, on my terms and at my speed. Some were dealing with their own "drama" (seems cheating is running rampant these days) and just kept their crap seperated from mine. Others have revealed that they aren't worth the powder needed to blow them up. I have found that it is in my power now to pick and choose who I wish to reconnect with and who no longer deserves even a nanosecond of my most valuable time.

Que sera, sera!


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Conrad, I hear you on that one lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If they are blanking you, then they aren't your friends.

Stop initiating contact w/ them and do your own thing


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad why do you say the more attractive a spouse is the more they are willing to associate with that spouse?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Conrad why do you say the more attractive a spouse is the more they are willing to associate with that spouse?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proud. Let. Your. Ego. Go.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Because if its a man they will follow her if you guys aren't that close. It's what one of mine did. He's now free to flirt away even if it goes no where and she is in the mind set to take it all in
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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Can its not my ego, I was just trying to understand. My ex makes herswlf out to be more attractive than she really is. She tries to hard for the fake beauty
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Of course she is going to man, what else does she have to live for other than the fake persona to make herself feel better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I also sometimes think my retail schedule, always working the weekends had something to do with it. This weekend her parents are taking the kids up to their cabin, and she gets to spend the weekend with her man. I get to work all weekend. Its a good job with good pay, its not like I wanted to be away on weekends all the time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Of course she is going to man, what else does she have to live for other than the fake persona to make herself feel better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have a winner.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> Can its not my ego, I was just trying to understand. My ex makes herswlf out to be more attractive than she really is. She tries to hard for the fake beauty
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And why should this matter? What are you trying to understand? What does her beauty have anything to do with your moving on as an individual?

It is ego, Proud. It makes you feel insecure about yourself, and your comment is along the same lines as stuff you've posted in the past.

To put this another way... you're seeking an answer. What are you expecting to find?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Conrad said:


> We have a winner.


Winner winner chicken dinner! Mmmmm bbq chicken dinner!

Anyways .. 

What is this about your schedule?? Not trying to be rude, but I'm missing the point.

As for the whole her being attractive thing .. yeah, my stbxw is attractive. She has all the PHYSICAL traits that would get any guys attention. Big boobs, slim waist, has an arse, pretty tall .. good for her. She has a sense of humor too.

I have 3 guy friends that I have known for almost 20 years, we all went to school together. Throughout the years I have kept in contact with 1 or 2 of them more than the other, but it's always been a non hate things because we all knew that we have our own lives (I'm the only one who married and had kids).

That being said, I asked one of my buddies (one of those philosopher types, worldy kind of guy) if he ever really liked my stbxw.

His response?? "She's attractive, was nice when I was around, had a good sense of humor and overall a joy to know."

But it was his follow up that sunk home, "All those things mean absolutely nothing with the way she has treated you, inside, she's a confused and ugly person. Doesn't matter how confident she comes off, what else does she have to live for?"

He also told me that her being attractive has nothing to do with her, he was just glad for the sake of our children haha. Told me "lucky for you she was attractive". Hahaha.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

As for my schedule I meant that maybe me always working the weekends, not being around on the traditional days off that she had finally got to her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> As for my schedule I meant that maybe me always working the weekends, not being around on the traditional days off that she had finally got to her.


I'm thinking we're getting close to 2x4 territory here.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

No, no I'll smack myself with the 2x4 (SMACK)....there that's better


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> As for my schedule I meant that maybe me always working the weekends, not being around on the traditional days off that she had finally got to her.


No. That would have been conditional love (also the last 2 years of my so-called marriage).

You are seeking answers which cannot be found. I go there too sometimes. What's it get me? Just a little sorry and self pity.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

You are right Can, there are millions of relationships that don't have the "normal" work schedules, but they make it work because both people want it to work.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Exactly, Proud.

As far as the friends, alas, it's pretty normal -- it may change after a bit. People with shaky marriages do suffer from the "is it contagious" syndrome, and may avoid you for a while, and some people do feel the need to pick sides -- it's not at all unusual to lose friends to the other partner in a divorce.

Your true friends will stand by you, and if that subset is too small, then time to go find some new friends. It does hurt, though, and I think that's what you were trying to say in the first place.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Proud, have you hit on any hot women yet???


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Why Jelly, are you offering????


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I tell you what it has been such a relief to not have to walk around on eggshellsaround the ex, worrying what might set her off. Hope her new man is prepared when the honeymoon period is over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> i tell you what it has been such a relief to not have to walk around on eggshellsaround the ex, worrying what might set her off. Hope her new man is prepared when the honeymoon period is over
> _posted via mobile device_


*not your problem*


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

proudwidaddy said:


> I tell you what it has been such a relief to not have to walk around on eggshellsaround the ex, worrying what might set her off. Hope her new man is prepared when the honeymoon period is over
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel you there. No more eggshells and no more passive-aggressiveness from my ex.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Different schedules here too. And you know what? WEEKS of unused time off had by both of us. You mean to tell me WE couldn't have figured something out to spend time together? Oh no, we could have. Toss the schedule thing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Matt1720 said:


> Different schedules here too. And you know what? WEEKS of unused time off had by both of us. You mean to tell me WE couldn't have figured something out to spend time together? Oh no, we could have. Toss the schedule thing.


Matt,

Life is very very simple (but not always easy).

Just remember this:

People do that which they wish to do.

People don't do that which they do not wish to do.

Very little variance on this precept.

We can do what Proud is doing and turn ourselves inside out asking why our delusion doesn't match up with what happened.

It boils down to this:
_
People do that which they wish to do.

People don't do that which they do not wish to do._


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad what do you have against me trying to understand this whole thing? I'm just trying not to repeat the mistakes in the future
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> Conrad what do you have against me trying to understand this whole thing? I'm just trying not to repeat the mistakes in the future
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Proud,

I'm not against you understanding.

But, I'm totally against you focusing on HER.


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