# Problem in my relationship. Am I being unreasonable to him?



## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

Hello, may I get advice on my situation. I am trying to weight both sides of the issue, and being as analytical as I can; but I'm still so conflict inside. I don't know if I am being unreasonable to him; and apologize for the long post.

Me and my boyfriend are in a committed relationship, I am 30 and he is 29. Overall he is a loving and caring boyfriend. The relationship is it full of fidelity on both physical, and emotional level. There is no third party between us.
He have a full time job, he works alot. He have No criminal records, No DUI (No driving under alcohol influence) 
He pass all Drugs test in his past/present job. He doesn't even drink or smoke a cigarette, so he pretty much is a health freak.

Problem is last week my boyfriend's childhood friends; some them got arrested for Transporting/possession of: Cocaine, heroin and meth. I have valid reason to be worried since this is HARDCORE drugs here, Not the simple weeds stuff.
My BF was at work at the time, so I know he have nothing to do with his druggie friends get arrested.
For sure he was at work, because he always call me from work when he on break. And I can tell from the background sounds that he is at work, no doubt about this.

As usual after work, he drive back to spend time with me and eat. Then he got a phone call from another friend of his who let him know about his druggie childhood friends got arrested for posesssion/transporting Hardcord drugs.
I overheard the conversation so I got worried. And he was honest to me, he tell me exactly what happened about his friends. They got arrested and charges for Felony drugs crime. This is serious, because they going to be facing Jail time.

I know my BF does not do drugs because we see each others everyday; we eat and sleep in the same bed. And I know his body smell too well, if there any different smell or drugs smell on his body, I would notice immediately. 
I also do his laundry, so I know there is no drugs on his clothes. I never smell drugs on his body, or see any drugs substances on his face, hands, or skin.

I got into a little argument with him regarding this incident. He assured me; tell me he is not dumb and asked me to trust him, and that he knows how to protect himself. At his age 29, he won't give into pressure of doing drugs.
He won't go into their car, he also won't let them go in his car. So there no chance of them snitch drugs in his car.
He will stay outside in the open to talk to them; obviously they can't bring drugs out to the open.
He won't let them go to his place. But if he over at their place to watch NFL Football; once he see them do drugs, he would leave.

He also said he was aware that his friends do hardcore drugs, but he were Not aware that they transporting it. He said his friends don't share their drugs activities with him. 
They still hang around, because they are childhood friends/grow up together/know each others all their life; so his friends trust him for not selling them out just because he saw them do drugs. 

I don't believe in changing a man. I accept him for who he is, and he have the rights to hang around with whatever 'types' of friends he wants. 
We were friends prior to dating, so I was aware he have druggie friends. Therefore I set my boundaries clear with him, I told him promise me "No drugs". And he always been keeping his promise with me, he (himself) doesn't do drugs.

I trust him but it just the type of friends that he hang around with is just worrisome! If they ever get stopped, or raided by police he will be lumped in with them. Or he might get caught up in drug violence in the streets when his friends run into trouble with rivals. 
He keep hanging around with them, one day he might find himself in a complicated legal situation like 'guilty by association'. He could still get arrested if he get busted together with them. Or getting caught in the middle of a shoot-out, just because he's at the wrong place at the wrong time. 

I know men need their space, and I always give him alot of freedom and space so he can do his own things. That including set him free to hang out with his druggie childhood friends. 
But after seeing some of them get arrested and throw in jail, I am in full worried mode. Now when ever he go hang out with them; I told him to text message me every few hours, so I can know that he is safe out there.

I know his friends is his friends, him is him. And I should not held him reliable for what his friends did; something he have no control over. 
But I really want him to decrease hanging out iwth druggie childhood friends, but I feel that I am being very uneasonable if I ask him to do that.

The problem is: he is fully ware of them doing drugs, now knowing they transporting drugs too. Yet he acts like there is NOTHING wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.
Him thinking he is smart, and know now how to keep himself out of legal trouble. Perhaps if one day he got arrested, then he will finally see that hanging out with the wrong crowd can possibily be fatal.

What would you if you were in my situation, would you broke up? Would you ask him to decrease/stop hanging out with his druggie childhood friends?
I love him so I admit I cater him, and spoil him alot; I tends to let him have things his ways. But sometimes I wonder if I should be more assertive regarding to his druggie friends. 
I'm just so internally conflict right now. I know it a risk that I have to take if I want to be with him, I'm just trying to swallow this.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He should break up with you.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Independentgirl, you're back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

You are one wordy chick!


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## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

Yes, sorry for the wordy post. I'm just trying to be as analytical as I can, seeing both sides of the issue and being optimistic. 

Even if I want to work it out with him, he is not working it out with me. 
We talk about this many times and the problem is: he is fully ware of them doing drugs, and Now he knowing they transporting drugs too. Yet he acts like there is Nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.

This is Not just the simple weeds stuff, come on this is the Hardcome drugs: Cocaine, Meth and Heroin here. Hardcore drugs like this ruin lives, break up families. And his druggie childhood friends are involved with use/transporting/sale them.

Despite my BF rough youth and he still has Not do drugs yet, this say alot about his strength of character, and I love him for that. But as a straight man, how can he see all the things his friends do, and still okay with it?
Just because he (himself) doesn't do drugs, so it is okay for him to be blindly loyal to his childhood friends whom use/transporting Hardcore drugs?

Due to the environment of where we live at, I see people get arrested for things like these before. I know situations like this would surface at some point in our relationship. 
And I thought I am emotionally strong enough to handle this when it happened to my own boyfriend's childhood friends. But I underestimated the emotional impact of how it have on me. 

I can't find myself strong enough to leave, I'm pretty much accept his everything just to be with him. Sometimes I just wish that If he just go cheats on me, physically beaten me, or just kick me to the curve; then it would be much easier for me to let go.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

HisPresence said:


> Yes, sorry for the wordy post. I'm just trying to be as analytical as I can, seeing both sides of the issue and being optimistic.
> 
> Even if I want to work it out with him, he is not working it out with me.
> We talk about this many times and the problem is: he is fully ware of them doing drugs, and Now he knowing they transporting drugs too. Yet he acts like there is Nothing wrong, and still choose to continue hang around with them.


Maybe he is not acting like their is nothing wrong. Maybe HE THINKS there is nothing wrong. This difference is either a deal breaker or it isn't.


> This is Not just the simple weeds stuff, come on this is the Hardcome drugs: Cocaine, Meth and Heroin here. Hardcore drugs like this ruin lives, break up families. And his druggie childhood friends are involved with use/transporting/sale them.
> 
> Despite my BF rough youth and he still has Not do drugs yet,


Hmmm. This is the rub, isn't it. I get it. You say Play with fire, get burned. But you do need to recognize the discrepancy between what you are saying and what you are feeling.



> this say alot about his strength of character, and I love him for that. But as a straight man, how can he see all the things his friends do, and still okay with it?
> Just because he (himself) doesn't do drugs, so it is okay for him to be blindly loyal to his childhood friends whom use/transporting Hardcore drugs?


What, precisely, is NOT ok about it? Can you define that?



> Due to the environment of where we live at, I see people get arrested for things like these before. I know situations like this would surface at some point in our relationship.
> And I thought I am emotionally strong enough to handle this when it happened to my own boyfriend's childhood friends. But I underestimated the emotional impact of how it have on me.
> 
> I can't find myself strong enough to leave, I'm pretty much except his everything just to be with him.
> Sometimes I just wish that If he just go cheats on me, physically beaten me, or just kick me to the curve; then it would be much easier for me to let go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that it's very troublesome that a guy who is not doing drugs is hanging out with other guys who he knows not only use hard drugs but traffics in hard drugs. I have no doubt that he has known all along what they are doing.

If you were my daughter, I would advise you to break up with him if he's maintaining these kinds of friendships and get as far from him and his friends as possible.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that it's very troublesome that a guy who is not doing drugs is hanging out with other guys who he knows not only use hard drugs but traffics in hard drugs. I have no doubt that he has known all along what they are doing.
> 
> If you were my daughter, I would advise you to break up with him if he's maintaining these kinds of friendships and get as far from him and his friends as possible.


Yes. I would not want my child, male or female, associating with people who associate with hard drug users. It's not even the risk that individual will eventually do drugs. It is all the untenable situations that they can get into. If he is unwilling to curtail these friendships until such time as they clean up, I would bail.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Bad things always result from hard drug usage. I hate to recommend a breakup, but it's either his druggie friends or you.

His choice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keep in mind that if his friends are so into it that the cops are watching them, the cops are watching him too. They will consider anyone who hangs out with the known drug traffickers as like minded people.

If he is there in some future arrest round up, he will be arrested too. He will be considered guilty. Everyone present will be consider to have drugs in their possession. If it's more than a small amount, then its called drug trafficking. He can cry all that the wants that he's not one of them. He's just an innocent guy with no criminal record, who does not do drugs. But there is no way he will be believed. He will have to hire a lawyer to fight the charges.

If he's hanging out with known drug traffickers, you could end up one day with the cops raiding your home looking for evidence that he's one of the traffickers. Do you want that in your home? Around your children?

If you own a home with him and he's convicted. The courts can take your home away from you. You will still have to pay the mortgage. But you will not have a home anymore. So now you will not be able to afford to live anywhere. you will need to foreclose.. but I'm not sure how this works because they mortgage company will not be able to get the house back.

This is why smart people avoid any contact with people they know are heavy drug users and/or traffickers.


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## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

This thread indeed does make me sound very uneasonable, but it fine since I don't go into details of what kind of environment we living in, or his rough upbringing and background.

In my old post, I mentioned we are two Financial independent adults with our own job. I don't use a penny of his money, we go the "Dutch" style in all our dates. I help take care of his mom, cook and clean for him and I'm not even his wife yet.
Financially, I am fully capable of ending this relationship since I don't depend on him for money. Emotionally, I don't know if I can because I have feelings for him.

People call me doormat, but I don't see anything wrong with doing all these stuff for the man I care about.
I never calculate anything I do for him, or expect anything in return from him. To us Chinese women, doing all that is just our "duty", we never calculate those things with our man. 

And I don't mind help take care of his mom. In our Chinese culture, married a man is like married his whole family anyways.
If anyone read my threads before about this man, I pretty much cater his every needs. And I defend him endlessly in all of my posts.

What really HURT is he see NOTHING wrong with the lifestyle of his druggie friends. The lifestyle of his friends use/transporting/sale drugs, as long as he doesn't do it. 
When ever I tried to talk to him about his friends do weed/cocaine. He be like so what, as long as he doesn't do drugs like them. 

Last week he saw them get arrested, so Now he know they transporting drugs too. Yet he still DOESN'T see anything wrong with it, and still choose to continue hang around with them. 
I'm at the mercy of this relationship, hope that one day he can see that hanging out with the wrong crowd can possibily be fatal, given his background.

Even if he leave with me and start his life somewhere else. Will he truely be happy? When he away from all his childhood friends, away from the place he grow up in, away from the familiar surrounding environment that he used to for 29 years of his life.
And if he is not happy, would I be happy? When it come to this 'drugs' issue, we just don't have the same view, and we are having a 'values' clash on this.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Weren't you banned?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

pidge70 said:


> Independentgirl, you're back!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was thinking the same thing !


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Peer pressure is not an easy thing t overcome. Maybe your guy is a saint 99% of the time but luck is not always going to be on his side. 

Also at some point you move out of there and into the suburbs.... Then what? His buddies follow?

You both need to get out of there pronto.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)




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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Is it just me, or is "train wreck" the most appropriate phrase?

OP - you're life is on the fast track to nowhere. You and he simply need to start all over - with or without each other. The course you're on right now is pretty much the course to nowhere.

Just my opinion....


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