# Why The Silent Treatment From Hubby?



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I need some insight guys. I'm totally lost as to what the problem is. Here's the background from the last couple days....

Hubby has been on vacation for the last 10 days. (He has been taking a ton of time off the last couple months...literally been off more the last 2-3 months than he has worked...he's been home TOO much!) He just turned 40. As a surprise I sent him out of state last week to go river rafting with his brother. He was supposed to be there for 6 days (rafting/camping just 3 then hanging with his brother). They got into a huge fight and I had to pay money to change his ticket to come home after 3 days.

We let go of our housekeeper a couple months ago and he promised me he would help with the housework on a permanent basis if we did it ourselves. He hasn't helped once. All week we have been saying that Thursday would be house cleaning day. Thursday came and I took DD (3 1/2) to school, worked out 2 hours at the gym, cleaned the house - alone - for 6 hours, did 8 loads of laundry, cooked dinner, showered DD and put her to bed. OH...I even had to run to the store for toilet paper 'cuz he couldn't be bothered...said we could use paper towels until the next day...ugh! He did absolutely nothing. Sat in the chair or laid in bed all day and watched movies/tv on his computer with his earphones on. 

As the day went on he mentioned a time or two that he was feeling a little guilty for doing nothing. All I would say was "don't worry about it". He said he was just dead worn out (guess all that vacation time doing NOTHING really tires a guy). I finally told him to just take the day off, I would take responsibility for DD, just do his thing and unwind. I really wanted him to just stop whining about it.

We talked about family plans for Friday - the next day. Our contractors were planned to come by Friday to finish our bathroom remodel so we both decided we would like to ride our bikes to the park for a picnic.

Sorry for the length...I don't know how to keep this short.

Here is where the problem began.....Thursday night as I get into bed I asked if he was doing ok. He said that I could "take care of him". I just gave him that smirk that every man knows means 'not on your life are you coming near me tonight'. And I bit my tongue as hard as I could. I wanted to say, "I have worked my a$$ off from 8 this morning till 9 tonight scrubbing your toilet, washing your socks, caring for your daughter, feeding your family and taking care of everything.... now I get to take care of you?"....or something to that effect. After the smirk he said something like he knew I was off limits that night. You think? By the way....I have a bad back...have had three surgeries, 9 years of doctors/therapies/procedures/surgeries/you name it, to finally be a chronic pain patient. That's why we had the housekeeper because I'm not supposed to do many aspects of the housework. Which is what he promised he would do when we let her go. I was hurting so bad that night I just wanted to lay in bed on my heating pad.

So...Friday morning he's a little distant. When he woke up I went into the bedroom and said "good morning, did you sleep well", he replied "could you turn your lamp on since you're over there". At 9:30 he told me he wanted to leave for the park in 30 minutes. I said I needed to feed DD, I think I'll need more time to get ready. He put his damn earphones on and went outside obviously put out with me. DD wasn't cooperative that morning so it took me quite awhile to get the two of us ready (including some discipline and a time out), fed breakfast, picnic lunches/toys/supplies made and packed. I also had to coordinate our two contractors.

DH came inside at 10:30 totally bent out of shape. Said he's been waiting an HOUR! Said that I'm not communicating, I didn't reiterate to him that morning that I actually DID want to ride our bikes to the park for a picnic, he'd been waiting on me for an hour, etc. I admit, I blew up a bit and DH usually takes that pretty personally. I told him we made plans and I didn't say anything that would indicate I had changed my mind, to which he said I didn't say anything. (Am I supposed to confirm plans we have discussed and made?) I said I can't DO IT ALL on his timeframe, he said I should ask for help. I said I'm not going to chase him around the yard with his earphones on, he knew DD needed to be fed, dressed, teeth/hair brushed and picnic packed...just how in the hell does that get done? He knew we had contractors coming. He doesn't have to ask me to wash his laundry, cook his dinner, buy his groceries, remodel his bathroom, why do I have to ask for help for every single thing?

He said I was attacking him.

And since I was in such a sh!tty mood maybe I should stay home and he and DD would go to the park. I told him I was perfectly happy until he came into the house on fire....that he had been in a mood since the day before....that he could stay home.

So after he got me all pissed off and fuming he stopped arguing, said he didn't know why I was attacking him or so mad, he's not going to rehash everything that's already been said, he's just trying to get me to communicate with him, I never told him that morning that I was still planning to go to the park and how awful it is for me to tell him to stay home (he said the same damn thing to me FIRST, but when he does it, it doesn't count, or means something different to him....I don't get it).

????? WTF ??????

He asked me if I was going to be b!tchy for the rest of the day. I say no....I will let all this go so we can have a nice family day. I did my best at small talk, at engaging him, at getting him involved with us during the ride and at the park. At letting it all go and being happy and pleasant. He either completely ignored me, or gave me one word answers.

We got home and I asked him if he was still tense. He said yes. He put his headphones on to watch his computer....I put DD down for nap. DH took a nap. I worked on bills, laundry, cooked dinner, etc. At some point I was making too much noise so he snapped at me and asked how much banging I was going to do. He went to bed and put his earphones on, and I stayed up until after he was asleep.

This morning I tried again. I was up with DD before him. I put on a happy face, good morning to him and all the usual pleasantries, offered to make a nice breakfast, got myself and DD ready for the day. I had to run some errands and I asked if he would like to join us.....NO.

I stayed out as long as I could. It's obvious he can't stand to be in the room with me and it seems painful for him to speak to me. I returned and tried to spark a light conversation with him, chit chat, then put DD down for nap and while I did that he put his earphones on to watch his computer. 

He FINALLY went back to work today. He came in and said, "I hope you have a nice night" and left for work. Usually we will hug and kiss goodbye as I walk him to the door.

I know...I'm a detail person, which doesn't work well with getting my point (or problem in this case) across quickly. Thanks for reading.

Tell me guys....what the hell have I done wrong? Why am I getting the silent treatment? He has literally walked past me ignorning me as I'm speaking.

Please tell me it's not because he didn't get "taken care of" Thursday night?

I think he's waiting on me to come and "communicate" with him. I think he's waiting on me for something right now. I get my stubborn up and I'll be damned if I'm going to beg him to speak to me.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Too long to read?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My husband is also pretty clueless about housework and taking care of the kids. It really sounds like your husband was trying to relax on his vacation days, and you wanted him to do chores. I often get into moods, and my husband has learned long ago to just let them pass. I honestly don't see a silent treatment or a problem brewing.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Ok long read Anyway, having read the whole thing I have a few thoughts.

First, it's not your fault. Dont forget that. Second, it sounds like your husband may be depressed. Either that, or he's reverting to being a child for some reason. Adults dont give spouses the silent treatment, children do. Put his earphones on while playing on the computer? How rude. Cancelling housekeepers and failing on his promise to help clean. Ugh. You know, he makes it fairly difficult to defend him when everything he does appears childish or wrong.


I cant tell you it's not your fault. Thats all I got.




John


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Thanks John. It really helps to have another man tell me this makes no sense.

We finally talked yesterday and he said he was frustrated and angry at my lack of communication. I admit to being a bad communicator, although I still don't understand what happened. 

I DID communicate that I'll never chase after him trying to talk when he's acting like a child, giving me the cold shoulder and silent treatment.


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## agatha (Jun 6, 2009)

I do give my H the silent treatment whenever I am very angry and to make him feel that I am mad. I just dont want to argue with him so we will not end up say hurtful words to each other. I just let it pass for awhile or even for a day or two and talk to him about it when Im in an ok mood which makes my head more clearer and my emotions calm. And I tell you its making my hubby nuts when I do that (which is very rare) for I am a talkative person, cheerful and reports to him everyday about the kids, school, my day, and anything that concerns our family as he always wanted when he gets home from work.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

How immature, the silent treatment. That's something to be expected from little kids when they are angry...not from adults. It's almost as if people think...wow, we had an argument, probably over something stupid...but I'm pissy and instead of trying to calm down, rationalize and work through things, I'm just going to keep quiet in an effort to drive my spouse nuts...to teach them a lesson, yeah, you betcha', that always works. And it does nothing but make things worse.

As for the OP, your husband is an idiot...plain and simple and it's probably nothing you didn't know from the start. It's getting to you now...he is lazy when it comes to being domestic and clueless on how to help or resolve things. And he is a whiz at trying to turn things around and make it your fault.

Were you out of line for not taking care of him that night? No, of course no, he was a callous ass for even asking.

What will help things now? Hot make-up sex...

Preacher


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## hubbys baby (May 26, 2009)

Men sometimes are worse than women when it comes to giving the silent treatment. I get it sometimes and I absolutely HATE it.....but we usually end up working it out....
hope things are better for you....


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I'm real good at ignoring my wife when she starts with the silent treatment. That, of course, just gets her more mad I can just see her thinking "why isn't he asking me what's WRONG!?".

I'm a very passive/happy-go-lucky person. If we get into it I can be perfectly happy and over the fight within seconds of it being over. She stews for awhile. I just let her stew, ignore her until she calms down and comes back to me.

When I say ignore, I don't mean I give her the silent treatment back, I mean I just don't respond to her actions (her giving the silent treatment to me).


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---I have worked my a$$ off from 8 this morning till 9 tonight scrubbing your toilet, washing your socks, caring for your daughter, feeding your family and taking care of everything...---

It always amuses me that when a woman is mad, she refers to everything as "his", but when she wants authority, they are "hers".

---Said he's been waiting an HOUR!---

My gf is bad about getting ready too. She gives off the impression that she'll be "just a few more minutes", but before she knows it, 30 to 45 mins have gone by. Now, I wouldn't be upset if she was up front about it. But I HATE being made to think we are ready to leave, only to sit idle for a half hour... ESPECIALLY if I have to get flak for "not helping".

---Please tell me it's not because he didn't get "taken care of" Thursday night?---

I could tell you that, but I'd be lying. Its no different than when a woman withholds intimacy because a need of hers is not being fulfilled.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> ---I have worked my a$$ off from 8 this morning till 9 tonight scrubbing your toilet, washing your socks, caring for your daughter, feeding your family and taking care of everything...---
> 
> It always amuses me that when a woman is mad, she refers to everything as "his", but when she wants authority, they are "hers".
> 
> ...


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

JDPreacher said:


> And he is a whiz at trying to turn things around and make it your fault.


You are spot on with this statement! He is the talker, the communicator in our relationship so he can twist me 10 ways from Tuesday and I don't even know what we are fighting about anymore! 

And yes....the hot makeup sex worked.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> I'm real good at ignoring my wife when she starts with the silent treatment. That, of course, just gets her more mad I can just see her thinking "why isn't he asking me what's WRONG!?".
> 
> I'm a very passive/happy-go-lucky person. If we get into it I can be perfectly happy and over the fight within seconds of it being over. She stews for awhile. I just let her stew, ignore her until she calms down and comes back to me.
> 
> When I say ignore, I don't mean I give her the silent treatment back, I mean I just don't respond to her actions (her giving the silent treatment to me).


That is totally me! Except *usually* once we are done with the argument he's able to get over it immediately and I always stew. Every once-in-awhile, like this time, he will give me the silent treatment for a few days. I know he is often waiting for me to come begging. I will ask him once or twice if he wants to talk, but I will not keep pandering to his childishness. That seems to piss him off even more. Oh well...good thing it doesn't happen very often.



Thanks for all your comments everyone! It helped.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Whatever is going on between the two of you has got to be resolved by talking. That said, I have to say, you are connecting dots your guy clearly does not connect.

Your impressions of what is wrong and how busy you are and how lazy he is? I'm positive he does not see it that way.

Is it true? Doesn't matter!

You both are feeling unappreciated and taking it out on the other.

He's doing it by not speaking and walking around with a spoon up is rear the hard way. You're retreating into details about how busy you are and how lazy he is.

I recommend the two of call truce and attempt to speak without the finger pointing.

Who calls the truce?

Does it matter? If you know a truce is needed then call it and start asking questions.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It doesn't matter whose right or wrong at this point. The longer you let this feeling of resentment linger in your marriage, the more it will break it down.

Take care of communicating to your husband in a loving way. Ask him to help more. Use "I feel _______, when I clean the house and no one helps." The point to your communication is to get your message across without him bringing in the defensive mode.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I used to have a problem with timing...finally I wised up...I told SO the due time was an hour earlier than it was! Worked!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I will admit that I get very quiet when I'm angry. I do it because I'm so mad at that point, that I know I'm going to say something I wish I could take back later. Mine only lasts an hour or two though. My hubby does the same thing, pretty much.

What I got out of what you said is that you were mad at him for not helping (rightfully so). BUT...you let him off the hook. You told him not to worry about it. You wanted him to WANT to help you. You resented having to ask him to do something that he'd already told you he'd do. I've been there. I understand that.

My hubby and I have had talks and he's told me that he's happy to help. I just need to ask. Although that really chaps my hide, it's what I do. I've come to realize that he (at least my hubby, not sure about anyone else's) like to feel like he's helping me. If I ask him to help, he's happy to. If he views it as a chore, he is less motivated to do it. 

He says you weren't communicating, but the whole "headphones" thing is also not communicating. He puts on the headphones and shuts you out. A nice long talk when neither of you is angry could really help.


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