# The straw that breaks the camel's back. What was yours?



## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I give credit for the topic to _stuck on hold_, because she was discussing it in her thread.

I think all of us reach a point when we just can't take anymore. There comes a time when we say to ourselves "You have crossed the line" and you suddenly find yourself out of limbo, seeing crystal clearly. It is usually an insensitive comment made by the wayward spouse that defines their selfishness.

What was that back breaking comment from your wayward spouse?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

After he made me homeless and refused to let me have my things he said "We can be friends".


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Wow, I'm very sorry he did that to you. That's emotional abuse to it's precipice. I can't imagine that. 

My straw. Her affair.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Not so much a comment as it was her replies.

I would tell her that I love her, she would say "thanks".

Not sure why but that almost bothered me more than the infidelity.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Janky said:


> Not so much a comment as it was her replies.
> 
> *I would tell her that I love her, she would say "thanks".*
> 
> Not sure why but that almost bothered me more than the infidelity.


Ouch. Mine was not something W said directly to me. It was an email to her POS orbiter describing a dream in which she imagined a threesome with said POS *AND* her EA partner. Fortunately, subsequent events brought us back from the brink.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Going to bed together and waking up in the middle of the night with her gone, then waking back up with her next to me the next morning.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I give credit for the topic to _stuck on hold_, because she was discussing it in her thread.
> 
> I think all of us reach a point when we just can't take anymore. There comes a time when we say to ourselves "You have crossed the line" and you suddenly find yourself out of limbo, seeing crystal clearly. It is usually an insensitive comment made by the wayward spouse that defines their selfishness.
> 
> What was that back breaking comment from your wayward spouse?


During our false R, her saying "I deserve to be treated like a princess".


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

During a conversation with her when she repeatedly said that she wanted to remain married to me but still be friends with him.................


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Healer said:


> During our false R, her saying "I deserve to be treated like a princess".


Should have bought her a tiara.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

cantdecide said:


> During a conversation with her when she repeatedly said that she wanted to remain married to me but still be friends with him.................


So she wanted to have her cake and to eat it too?

Did you ask if it'd be okay for you to get a girlfriend too, since she had a boyfriend? So when she was out with her friend, you'd have something to do?


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Listening to a var of her and the posom having sex in the car...listening to her talk dirty to him and moaning...Sorry if this is too graphic but I even heard the wet slap sounds of him pounding her...the var must have been very close to them (the posom's wife caught them, I HAD NO idea until she sent me all the proof)

and the email chains between them were very graphic and disturbing...


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

russell28 said:


> So she wanted to have her cake and to eat it too?
> 
> Did you ask if it'd be okay for you to get a girlfriend too, since she had a boyfriend? So when she was out with her friend, you'd have something to do?


Wasn't worth the effort to do so. It was over right then and there. She didn't understand but not my place to explain it to her at that point. I walked away and haven't looked back.

She actually tried to explain that she only wanted to be friends with him. Nothing more. Yeah, like that wouldn't be a trigger for me every time he called, texted or showed up somewhere..........as a friend. No thanks.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

5yrs after DDay, while in R, discussing his close OS "friends" at work, it got heated. 

At one point he said "You're the reason I cheated, its your fault. You made me do it"

I knew right then and there our marriage was over. After 5 years he still took no fault for what transpired.

I found the chat logs shortly after that argument confirming another EA.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

There were many “straws” leading up to the ”breaking”, however the final one was … I was injured, bleeding, the wound needed stitches and I asked H to drive me to the hospital. His reply, “Can you manage on your own?” Note here, that our family was at home relaxing at the time of my injury.

And so, as I drove myself to the ER with my 14yo daughter holding a towel against my bleeding and torn triceps, I finally realized that H truly does not give a sh!t about me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> Listening to a var of her and the posom having sex in the car...listening to her talk dirty to him and moaning...Sorry if this is too graphic but I even heard the wet slap sounds of him pounding her...the var must have been very close to them (the posom's wife caught them, I HAD NO idea until she sent me all the proof)
> 
> and the email chains between them were very graphic and disturbing...


Did they do things she won't do with you. The level of intensity was higher? Why would you want that back?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Janky said:


> Not so much a comment as it was her replies.
> 
> I would tell her that I love her, she would say "thanks".
> 
> Not sure why but that almost bothered me more than the infidelity.


She cheated on you, and yet you are telling you that you love her even though all she says is "Thanks"?

Wow. I hope you aren't still doing that. The roles should be reversed, she is the one who cheated, she should be the one bending over backwards to make it right.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Mine was always the sexual act itself...no turning back after that.
BUT looking back I should have had more stringent lines..but then I would have been a control freak then wouldn't I?


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

lenzi said:


> She cheated on you, and yet you are telling you that you love her even though all she says is "Thanks"?
> 
> Wow. I hope you aren't still doing that. The roles should be reversed, she is the one who cheated, she should be the one bending over backwards to make it right.


No, that was what drove it home for me that she no longer wanted me around.

Hearing that response a few times was the final straw and I ended up leaving her shortly after.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

The OM calling her cellphone and the contact picture is them 2 hugging during the affair.. Of course the phone was just tossed on the dining room table for anyone to see including my kids.. These calls were EVERY FVCKING DAY for 3 months until she finally left into the 4th month.. 

I would have done anything to have her stay, until I couldn't wait for her to leave.. The last month I would have chewed off my own arm to make her leave sooner..


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

over 3 years into R, we would just argue over stupid sh*t. Each and every time I would realize just how little respect she had for me. I never felt her remorse, she would never admit that anything she ever did was wrong, she believed she was perfect in every way. She was only sorry for getting caught May 2010 and NEVER has been sorry for what she did. All that together plus would throw it right in my face that I just needed to "get over it." 

She finally moved out of the house in August of this year to "work on herself." Well, I filed for divorce yesterday because of her success of "working on herself." She moved out so she could do whatever she wanted to do, not work on hereself. She has a whole new set of friends and yada yada. She thinks she's a rock star. So I am going to let her live that rock star life with her new found fame and friends.

I filed for divorce yesterday. I am done and ready to move on without this blue-eyed devil I married almost 17 years ago.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Finding out she was having a PA was it for me... An EA I might have been able to reconcile through with the proper level of remorse but physical cheating is too much for me to handle. 

I mean seriously, the line in the sand has to be somewhere... I don't know how people can live with that. 

I couldn't take her back and still respect myself.


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Threatened to take my son away and not tell me where she was living. This was after being gone for almost two months living with another man. She was supposedly staying with a coworker to "figure things out". I stayed at home and raised our little boy by myself, cooking, cleaning, going to daycare, picking up from daycare, bathing, reading, etc. She pops up out of no where, wants to take what she wants from the house and take our son. 

Nope


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

When I learned that his first (there were many more to follow over the next 13 years) "screw up" was when he'd been 3rd in line having unprotected sex with some woman, whose name he didn't even know, at a party back when I was pregnant in 2000. 

So, yeah, unprotected group sex with people you don't know, then coming home to expose your pregnant wife and unborn son to whatever you might have caught? Check please!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

WH arrived to a family function when it was actually over. He pretended he had an important phone call, and that is why he was late. He acted like I was crazy for being upset. When we got home I found his computer in the bathroom. I checked it and found that he missed the function because he had been looking at porn. Something in me clicked.....off.

eta: We are not D, but I don't feel the same as I did before I realized we were in false R. He had told me he had stopped looking at porn before he started the A. I assumed he hadn't started it again...but he had been doing it for 2 years into R.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

I caught XH and POSOW in our home and she was wearing my clothes.

It's one thing to be cheated on, but to find out the person you loved took pleasure in humiliating you and laughing at you behind your back?

How does one actually get over something like that? I still haven't.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anonymous Person said:


> I caught XH and POSOW in our home and she was wearing my clothes.


Wow yeah that's messed up. Mine wasn't much better.

My XW cooked him a meal in my house, he played Wii U with my kids, had sex and spent the night in my bed and showered in my bathroom the next morning. 

I still wonder if he used my toothbrush too...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SaltInWound said:


> I give credit for the topic to _stuck on hold_, because she was discussing it in her thread.
> 
> I think all of us reach a point when we just can't take anymore. There comes a time when we say to ourselves "You have crossed the line" and you suddenly find yourself out of limbo, seeing crystal clearly. It is usually an insensitive comment made by the wayward spouse that defines their selfishness.
> 
> What was that back breaking comment from your wayward spouse?


Saying he was going to suicide by car, all the while looking me up and down to see how I was reacting. Utterly ridiculous. I couldn't stay married to a guy who was that stupid in his attempts to manipulate. The rest of the attempts at abusive manipulative control were at least creative and took some time to figure out. If I'm going to have a cognitive challenge that toys with my emotions, at least make it a good one. It was pathetic. He was obviously scraping the bottom of the barrel, no tricks left, end of script, end of story. :rofl:


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Anonymous Person said:


> I caught XH and POSOW in our home and she was wearing my clothes.
> 
> It's one thing to be cheated on, but *to find out the person you loved took pleasure in humiliating you and laughing at you behind your back*?
> 
> How does one actually get over something like that? I still haven't.


I struggle with this too. The level of cruelty is hard to understand. I didn't do anything to deserve this.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

There were 2 things that were my straw that broke the camel's back:

1. He told me the "friend" he had been "catching up with" was pregnant with his child. This friend is also a friend of his daughters, and 15 yrs my junior. And she knew he was married.

2. On the same day, I created a facebook account, logged on and did some digging and discovered her and his fb pages were plastered with pics of them together, sweet "comments" and "likes" to each other... and every single person him and I knew had seen it.

I had no idea this was going on.

I filed for D 4 days later. I'm done. There's no repairing this kind of damage. He made his choices.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> Listening to a var of her and the posom having sex in the car...listening to her talk dirty to him and moaning...Sorry if this is too graphic but I even heard the wet slap sounds of him pounding her...the var must have been very close to them (the posom's wife caught them, I HAD NO idea until she sent me all the proof)
> 
> and the email chains between them were very graphic and disturbing...


You guys who actually heard or saw that **** go down - talk about PTSD.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> The OM calling her cellphone and the contact picture is them 2 hugging during the affair.. Of course the phone was just tossed on the dining room table for anyone to see including my kids.. These calls were EVERY FVCKING DAY for 3 months until she finally left into the 4th month..
> 
> I would have done anything to have her stay, until I couldn't wait for her to leave.. The last month I would have chewed off my own arm to make her leave sooner..


I can relate - the POSOM's contact was in my iPhone because mine and stbxw's were synced up. The pic was the 2 of them kissing. 

I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Wow yeah that's messed up. Mine wasn't much better.
> 
> My XW cooked him a meal in my house, he played Wii U with my kids, had sex and spent the night in my bed and showered in my bathroom the next morning.
> 
> I still wonder if he used my toothbrush too...


That's heinous. That's actually pure evil.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I think back at some of the antics pulled by my ex - one time I was working nights and she kept asking me "Are you working tonight?" 
I wondered why the concern. So I texted her in the middle of Friday evening and said "lets meet for coffee?" then she said she was here, there and everywhere so I could not find her. Then when I went home she was drunk lying in the bed and pretended she was sleeping and our other car was in the driveway. So I wondered hmm "how'd did the car get here if she was drunk?" I think back now and the AP might have been in our house when I arrived.
There were times when I dropped her off for work early in the AM and when I went to pick her up her work would say "She was not working today?" I look back now and it was so obvious.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

When my h said, "I didnt break our marriage vows, you did." Along with, "I love you unconditionally, where you love me conditionally"

He's the ww.

~sammy


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> When my h said, "I didnt break our marriage vows, you did." Along with, "I love you unconditionally, where you love me conditionally"
> 
> He's the ww.
> 
> ~sammy


WTF? Sammy, If I recall correctly you are still married. Sometimes the WS will try to pull the old "if you divorce me it's you who are breaking the marriage vow, not me." But if you are still married how in the world does your H figure that you, not he, broke the vows??


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When she said, I mean, what a cliché, something to the effect of: "Matt, I have something I need to tell you. You won't like this, but I am going to have an affair with xxxxxx. But please know that I love you and that I'll come back to you."

And she did. But I honestly think I was never quite the same person ever again.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> In 2007, I thought, while she was away with her mother in the Finger Lakes region of New York, she was seeing someone. Yes, it is possible, even with her mother there.
> 
> I had no proof and had no idea how to get it. I didn't snoop, just confronted and did not feel good about her answers. Well, I just kept an eye, "peeled".
> 
> ...


You mean you strongly suspected she was sleeping with cook and were at least p!ssed about their EA and she thought that because you had not gotten a confession out of her she could gaslight her way through?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

It's amazing what we put up with until the camel finally gives in. Yeap, Philat, I'm still marriaed, bearly, & have just been asked from h to help him come back as he has been alone too long. 

He also feels it doesnt really matter so much what happened when it comes to him & me, but just from where we go from here. He feels blame & responsibilibity dont help in deciding what's next. He'll admit it was all him, but cant do it by himself now. My choice. 

He told me that no where in our marriage vows did we promise "fidelity", but we did promise "in good times and bad". This is surely a bad time. He, hense, believes it is me not holding up my end of the deal, not him. 

Matt, ugh!!! Sorry you went through that ! I cant believe her confidence that you'ld still be there...

~sammy


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Looking back, in my case, I really think it was her attitude that nailed our coffin shut.

She lied about everything, until she couldn't anymore- then exploded with anger. She even said she would replace me with a better man who could provide the lifestyle she wanted. In her mind- her unhappiness was my fault because I didn't make enough money for a new German car and a country club membership. 

It just kind of clicked- what a *****. She is now my XWW... FWIW- sugar daddy never materialized.

We may not have been able to recover from her cheating- I can't say. But we definitely couldn't recover from her lies and attitude.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Mine was always the sexual act itself...no turning back after that.
> BUT looking back I should have had more stringent lines..but then I would have been a control freak then wouldn't I?


Really I hope you don't believe that. I really hope your being sarcastic. You should'nt need strignent lines either, it should be something that both of you do for each other out of respect to your marriage. Hit me up if you want me to lecture you on not believing that bu!!s!it. It's straight out of the cheaters handbook.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

workindad said:


> She even said she would replace me with a better man who could provide the lifestyle she wanted. In her mind- her unhappiness was my fault because I didn't make enough money for a new German car and a country club membership.


Wow ... keep running!! You've had a lucky escape.
Seriously, you have...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not a "lucky" escape...its a self preservasion escape.

I should not generalize here but its the emotional distance that snowballs into "enough is enough"

We loved our spouses and thinking the unthinkable takes time to absorb and react...and in the end one way or another when it come to infidelity there will be a straw that breaks the camels back.

Be it 2 months, 2 years or 20 years!

These cheaters can only push us so far before it breaks and when it does who knows how it will pan out?
An exit affair? Drunken ONS? Broken spouse filled with regret and remorse? At the end of the day its the betrayed that must find their own way thru.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

A few things said to me that summarize my xww's "remorse".

• "He only had me for 2 months, you've had me for 17 years"
• "It was a mistake, get over it already"
• "Hey, he approached ME"
• "You say that as if I didn't know what I was doing"
• "I'm done apologizing"
• "You just don't WANT to get over it"
• "I slept with him, are you happy now?"


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> A few things said to me that summarize my xww's "remorse".
> 
> • "He only had me for 2 months, you've had me for 17 years"
> • "It was a mistake, get over it already"
> ...


Not all that different to my WS. They really are so entitled, they genuinely believe it. My WS blames me to this day, told me to get over it numerous times this year. Moral free zones the lot of them.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Horizon said:


> Not all that different to my WS. They really are so entitled, they genuinely believe it. *My WS blames me to this day*, told me to get over it numerous times this year. Moral free zones the lot of them.


Exactly.

She still acts like the victim in all of this.
Even has the nerve to call me selfish and immature.

:scratchhead:


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I also have a "victim" as well.. I was so "mean" to him that he was forced to lie and hide things from me.. Oh, and don't forget, drink and drive Every.Single.Day.. He has said it twice now.. To the mediator yesterday.. All my fault.. 

My final straw, and the quote I will remember from him was "You owe me another chance! You didn't tell me that if I continued to lie to you that you would stop trusting me! You owe me that!" 

But, his phone was going to stay password protected, he would still hang out with his single guy friends that he had been trolling bars with, he would just "try" to be more honest with me about where he was.. 

Yeah.. that was it.. I looked at him and thought, he really IS off the deep end..


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Question then? When the camel's back broke, did most bs finally leave, or stay, just give up, and learn to live with it? 

~sammy


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I immediately went to WH said "I'm filing for a divorce, I'm keeping the house and the children. You need to leave." The house was mine anyway, but it felt good to say out loud. He offered to sleep in the basement until he packed and then left. He didn't fight me on anything, but holds me responsible for the infidelity, divorce and his current situation.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I let him finish telling me all about his 13 years worth of serial cheating. Then told him, "This is just too much. We're all done here. I'll call an attorney in the morning." And I did call the next morning, and had my first appointment that afternoon. Our divorce was final exactly 10 weeks later.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Question then? When the camel's back broke, did most bs finally leave, or stay, just give up, and learn to live with it?
> 
> ~sammy


I consulted a lawyer as quickly as I could and never looked back. It couldn't get done fast enough. She really did think that I was holding her back from some entitled happiness. That actually helped me in the divorce process since she was eager to get it over with and didn't drag anything out.

In her mid, at the time, she really thought she was off to a better life. Now, she wants to come back. I have zero interest in her outside of parenting our kids.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

One of them had said "Who told you that? Where did you hear it from? It's that ***** isn't it? She always wanted to bed you." (that ***** = her best friend)

I thought she was going to apologize, or at least say something funky and psychotic like "it meant nothing" or "I thought about you all the time".


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

sammy3 said:


> Question then? When the camel's back broke, did most bs finally leave, or stay, just give up, and learn to live with it?
> 
> ~sammy



After 7 months of false R and me not being able to "just get over it",
I kicked her out for breaking NC and lying about it.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

At that point, I filed for both of us.. I'm still doing all the work. He has done NOTHING to get the house ready to sell. NOTHING to get paperwork ready for the divorce.. 

I don't even waste my breath anymore..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As the BS, I had absolutely no clue what she had been up to when she requested the "trial separation." I just thought that she might be having a mental meltdown.

Almost a year into the separation and months after her petition for divorce had been filed, did I find out the sordid truth that she had been seeing two old BF's simultaneously after hooking up with them on FB, when her cell-phone/texting records/FB posts were made known to me, letting me see that her relationship with them went back as far as a little more than a year prior to the actual separation. Meaning that we were all being slept with by her for a rather large period of that time!

I felt totally used, betrayed, and just felt like puking my guts up!*


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## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

When my stbx said "as a matter of fact, our marriage benefited from my affair" it was like all the light switches turned either on or off but something happened. Something in me just switched in the opposite direction. Everything else that came out of his mouth was like from a Snoppy episode , Wah Wah Wah Wah Wah is all I heard. This man has said some crazy sh*t to me and done some crazier sh*t to me but this one just kind of summarized it all for me. This told me exactly what his mindset was. There was nothing else to argue about or rationalize with or go back and forth stating my opinions on. That BS he said told me what I was dealing with in a nutshell. I took him on and all his bipolar mental depressed issues, took on his daughters who came with there own baggage of hurt and trust issues, loved and nurtured them back to health , GAVE BIRTH TO HIS SON after being told he could never have children naturally, and this SOB cheated on me anyway, lied to me anyway, insulted and humiliated me anyway and then says I benefited from his damn affair. 
ENOUGH ........ I checked out right then and their. Screw this....I'm crying over this???? No way. Ya vasta!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The straw was the affair itself. 

Kicked out on dday. Divorced a few months later. Bever hugged or kissed her again.

Not wasting time or lying to myself was the best decision i ever made.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

That my husband cheated on me was the straw that broke the camels back. I found out by accident as I never suspected.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> It's amazing what we put up with until the camel finally gives in. Yeap, Philat, I'm still marriaed, bearly, & have just been asked from h to help him come back as he has been alone too long.
> 
> He also feels it doesnt really matter so much what happened when it comes to him & me, but just from where we go from here. He feels blame & responsibilibity dont help in deciding what's next. He'll admit it was all him, but cant do it by himself now. My choice.
> 
> ...


Un-effin'-believable.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

When I asked to use condoms again and he said no. When I asked if he got the std test like I asked for and he said no but he wanted me to have unprotected sex with him.

I looked in my sons eyes and thought that he needs a responsible parent, not two rug sweeping parents. He never gaslighted me (much) and he admitted to some of the serial cheating but not all. He tried to be nice but not in ways that mattered.

But my son deserves healthy parents. I got tired of been scared for asking for what I want without fear of explosion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> What was that back breaking comment from your wayward spouse?


"Yes, I cheated"


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

Hearing all the things wrong in the marriage then being the only one to work on what WW said were "issues".

Catching WW a 2nd time she said to me "I don't know why you don't kick me out". I said "I want to but feel our 18 year marriage is worth trying to save don't you?" She said she did. Then I caught her again 2 months later.


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