# I thought I was the GOOD PARENT!



## Frustrated Single Mom (Feb 13, 2009)

I finally divorced my ex-husband in 2005 after 12 years of HE--!
My ex was both mentally and verbally abusive for most of our marriage, expecially after I left my career behind to take care of both of OUR children. I depended on him for all financial support and he always reminded me of that. If I even considered leaving, he always threatened that I would have no money and raise my kids in subsidized housing.
I finally broke away and things seemed to go my way. His wonderful attorney gave me almost everything. The house, financial assets and child support in a lump sum.
I always complied with visitation and if there was ever a glitch, his attorney and I always came to some type of understanding (my ex has not spoken to me in over 2 years - not even in regards to the children's health or education).
For the last few years, he has done nothing but buy their love, spending thousands on everything from fancy RVs to video games (during this time, they called him a jerk and an idiot behind his back). All the time they spend with him is FUN while all I get are doctor visits, school consultations, laundry and discipline.
They are now 13 & 16 and they both have decided that they don't respect me and I'm close minded. My son has even started talking down to me like his father did. All of this came about because I had to set new rules about housework, loud music and inappropriate television channels. 
All this time I thought they loved me and they had always called their dad stupid when all along I was the one they couldn't stand because I had to care about their health and homework!
This divorce with children crap is so unfair. Ultimately, the residential parent, who is acting like a parent, gets the raw end of the deal.
I know I haven't been a perfect single mom (I definitely said things about the dad that I shouldn't have when he pushed my buttons) but I worked my butt off to take care of them and now they want to live with their dad and I'm a WITCH!
I know there are thousands of parents out there, both dads and moms, who are in my shoes! HOW DO YOU COPE?
Frustrated Single Mom


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

I feel for you and now I wonder if your feelings is how my mom felt.

My mom and stepdad seperated when I was 9 years old. I never understood why, I seen the fights, I seen how he made my mom cry, how she had to climb out the windows to get away from him but at a young age you never fully understand adult relationships. They seperated, we moved into an apt from our big house. Life became hell. In my teenage years, I ended up hating my mom. I did things to make it difficult for her. I even told her I hated her to her face while her new boyfriend was there.

I couldnt stand my mom. I was 16-18 at this time. She took me to counseling but I just lost allr espect for her. Then I had kids and got older and realized that my mom was always there for me. I regretted alot of things I said to her in my teenage years. I wanted to go live with my father (biological), but she wouldnt let me. Thanks GOD she didnt. 

She never explained to us what she went through, how she felt. She took care of us well though. As Im older now, I realized that I love my mother dearly, however we cant live together lol but I would go to the ends of the world for her.

Your kids love you, even though they may not think so now but if they ever get into a situation best believe they will run to you. When they get older they will realize alot of things that they did in the past were wroing and childish.

But as for them wanting to stay with the father. How about you let them for a trial period (if the dad is ok with that). He is goign to have rules as well. And the kids may not even like his rules and try to run back to you. As the saying goes "Its not always greener on the other side."

I dread the day my kids treat me the same way I treated my mom. But its a rebellious stage right now. No one is a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. just love your kids and be there for them. They will wise up, they are just acting out in a childish way.

And to add, I always thought my father was better than my mother. But after getting to know him on a personal level, Im glad that I wasnt raised by him. He is a deadbeat, no good, *******! Just earlier this year I told him in email that I wish he never entered into my life and all these years I put him on a pedestal, he showed me his true colors and he is someone I dont need in my life nor do my kids. He has too much drama attached to him for a man who is pushing 50. He acts like he is still in high school.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I hated my mom when i was that age too. My dad was non-existent so my mom had to do all the discipline. I thought she was the devil incarnate. I think its a stage most kids go through.

I get along with my mom now. we are really good friends.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I have three teenagers (divorced 10 years ago) and what I've learned over the years is to really read between the lines when they talk of dad's house vs. mom's house. Most teenagers love to complain, whether their parents are married or divorced, so I let most of that roll off. 

I have noticed a pattern when we drive to meet their dad 1/2 way for visitation they will complain about going there...it's so boring, why do we have to go?, all dad does is watch TV, we never do anything, etc. I never play into it. Instead I say you have to go because your dad needs to see you just like I do and if you are bored, why don't you suggest something? Play a board game, go to the beach at the lake, etc.? I imagine they do a similar thing on the way back to meet me. I think it's their way of adjusting to going back and forth so I take it for what it is...I know it's hard for them so their dad and I try to work out visitation so they don't miss out on things that are important to them...sports, dances, etc.

The worst thing you can do is to speak badly of their dad to them. This is devastating, even if they have said things themselves (most teenagers do this whether their parents are divorced or not), to hear you say it will make them feel the need to protect their dad. They know they are half made up of their dad, so when you slam him, you are indirectly slamming them at the same time.

If he is spoiling them when they are there, he is probably wanting them to be happy. Maybe not the healthiest thing to do longterm, but if he is showing his love in that way, at least it is with good intention. My ex remarried 2 months after we divorced and my daughter (3 at the time) started calling his wife mom when she was there. My initial reaction was that of relief, that this woman I didn't even know must be good with my kids if they are that comfortable. His wife told me about it and said call me (by her name) because you already have a mom...I told her I appreciated her respect for me in that way, but I was more happy to hear my kids really care for her so not to worry.

Be very careful about your motives. If your kids come first, there is no room for being jealous of them liking your ex better, etc. American Arrogance is right (and she's speaking from the kids' point of view based on her own childhood)...you might not be the fun one now, but they will come around and appreciate you more if you stick with what is in their best interest in raising them into productive adults.


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## AnnaW (Feb 18, 2009)

I think a lot of kids go through stages where they try to get under their parents skin and when you are divorced them saying they would rather live with the other parent is fairly normal. My kids did that when they were younger and didn't get their way a couple of times. The advice I was given at the time was not to react too emotionally. If they see that it upsets you or is a good way to get back at you then they will keep doing it. I took that advice and they quit fairly quickly. My kids know I love them but they also know temper tantrums aren't going to get them anywhere with me.

A trial period of living with dad is a good idea as long as that is a safe living situation (you mentioned verbal and emotional abuse so this may not be a good option in your situation). Then they can see first hand that whoever they live with is going to have rules.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

How many good things can you say about an ex? The reason I divorced mine is that he raped my retarded daughter and beat his six week old son and gave me concussions and and and. And yes, he still gets visitation of his son. 

Good things.. .hmmm... nope, nothing coming to mind. But I won't say anything bad either. I just don't mention him.


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## Stressmom (Feb 20, 2009)

I agree let them move in with their Dad; but make it clear to them and him, that DAD is going take full responsibility of school, activities, doctor's and everything else that comes along of the extra time activities. That you would like to get the weekend rights, but that DAD is responsible for the day in and out of their regular life. I waranty that as soon as he starts seeing everything you do, and they see that he will not or cannot be as flexible when it comes to them, then they will be running back to you.

They love you, this is an stage that most teenagers go through, I remember in my days, and I gave hell to my parents, but my reasons if not justifiable where somewhat for the right reason for me. Now with kids of my own, I learn from thei and my mistakes and have tried to do better, I am not perfect, but my husband and my still together and my daughters are pretty good, I have a 15 year old that Thank GOD has not gotten rebellious yet.

So settle down, remember this will pass, under any cir****ance talk bad about their DAD and go with the flow. Like I said, most probably ones their DAD sees their days, if he has to be driving back and forth, having to stop his regular activities for a sick child, or for a football or baseball or soccer game, he might not be as reseptive as you and will pack them back to you.

Good luck.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

unfortunately they think the grass is greener. 
you have to allow them their time to maybe think it is.
n e parent who cares, will do the best for their children.
were all on a learning curve .
but either way you are a good parent. 
i left home at 13, just couldnt get on with mum.
when i was 24 i stopped communicating with my dad and i lived with him for 8 yrs. 
now im friendly with my mother and havent seen dad for 9 years.
so alot of children go through it.
just let your children know, your there for them and stay calm as and when you can.


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