# Craving more emotional intimacy in my relationship.



## hellolove (Dec 21, 2011)

I've been dating my boyfriend a year (he is 24 and I'm 26) and we have a pretty good relationship but I've been noticing lately something feels a little off and I'm finally come to the conclusion of what it is. I'm a very emotional person and my boyfriend is more introverted with his feelings and emotions. But I'm craving more from him. I want to have a deeper emotional connection to him. I love that we have stuff in common, we have good conversation, and we get along well. We have a great time together, laugh often, and want the same things in our future. 

I'm confident I could have a great future with this guy but how do I get him to open up more and help our emotionally connection grow?? I don't want to push him and I don't want to change him but I want him to feel comfortable opening up. He tells me he loves me daily and from time to time tell me how much he cares about me but I'm craving more intimacy in the emotional department. I know it'd help our relationship progress and I want so badly to get closer to him. I haven't figured out a way to bring this up to him. But I really want us to grow in this relationship especially in this area of our relationship. Any suggestions?? (Thanks in advance for any advice)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give some examples of what you would like him to do?


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## hellolove (Dec 21, 2011)

I would like him to be more verbally expressive of his feelings for me. Anytime he tells me how much I mean to him or that he is happy in our relationship it makes my heart sore but he isn't the type of guy to write me a card telling me how much I mean to him or the type of guy to write me a poem or the type of guy who says "you make me the happiest man in the world, you mean everything to me." 

I just feel like if he reciprocated more about what he feels for me I would feel closer to him. Something about him not saying stuff like that just is making me insecure in the relationship. I know I mean a lot to him by his actions. He is a reliable, takes care of me, protects me, takes me out, compliments me and is attentive but I guess I'm just looking for more verbal communication to help validate my feelings for him as well. I express my feelings in cards, send him texts saying "Can't wait to see you." and he just isn't that way.

Just today he said "You're the best girlfriend I've ever had." And he doesn't say stuff like that often so it does make it more special when he does. But I guess I wish he'd do more of it. Am I asking too much?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so this is not about more conversation and him telling you more about himself. It’s about him expressing deep feelings for you more often.

Your best bet is to just tell him, just as clearly as you did here… “I would really like more expression of your love for me. I get insecure and need to hear it. Just a few words. Or a card, or a silly little gift”

One thing that works well is during times when you together have a discussion on the things that drew you to each other, or things that keep you together. You start by telling him something about him that drew you in or that you really liked.. and make it a short story… he’s not a big talker. Don’t set the expectations that he has to empty he soul every time you do this.. Then ask him to tell you something.
Over time, you might be able to get him to open up more about his feeling because these little short sharing of what you love about each other is a way of complementing him on the way he loves you. It becomes a two way street.

You are probably going to have to figure out exactly what you want from him and find ways to teach him what out want without coming out and just giving him the laundry list of what you want/need.


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## hellolove (Dec 21, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> One thing that works well is during times when you together have a discussion on the things that drew you to each other, or things that keep you together. You start by telling him something about him that drew you in or that you really liked.. and make it a short story… he’s not a big talker. Don’t set the expectations that he has to empty he soul every time you do this.. Then ask him to tell you something.


That's funny you mention this. I actually did something like that lately. I asked him his first impression of me when he first met me and he started saying things that I really loved hearing like "I remember how beautiful I thought your eyes were and that you seemed really nice." It was something simple like that to hear that meant a lot. 

I guess I just want to get closer to him. I've been in two other serious relationships prior to this one and in both past relationships the emotional part of the relationship grew really quickly. With this relationship it's been slower. We waited 5 1/2 months to say "I love you.", we have never talked about getting married, and its hard to bring his emotional side out. 

I think part of it has to do with the fact that I'm the second woman he has ever really loved. He first serious relationship ended when his girlfriend of 8 months left him for another guy and ended up marrying him and his second relationship ended when he caught the other girl making out with another guy who claimed to be her boyfriend. I think he holds back a lot in our relationship due to this but I wish he wouldn't. He told me recently he never wants me to hold back in our relationship and I shouldn't be scared because he wouldn't hurt me but when I told him I'd like for him to open up more he said, "Im a man and need to be in control of my feelings." And I told him that wasn't true. Why do guys feel this way?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband is very much closed off when it comes to talking about feelings and all that garbage. lol. I am not. I'm expressive. SO I tell him how I feel and he SHOWS me how he feels.

Many men show how they feel through actions and acts of service.

 Accept him as he is. He won't change and he won't ever really open up-- he may not even KNOW how he feels other than "good,bad,sad,mad".


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## hellolove (Dec 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My husband is very much closed off when it comes to talking about feelings and all that garbage. lol. I am not. I'm expressive. SO I tell him how I feel and he SHOWS me how he feels..


Is it normal that it's making me feel insecure in the relationship? 
I've never dated a guy like him. The last two guys I dated kissed the ground I walked on and I think that's why I'm not used to a kind of guy that doesn't. I'm grateful he at least shows it in his actions though otherwise this wouldn't work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hellolove said:


> Is it normal that it's making me feel insecure in the relationship?
> I've never dated a guy like him. The last two guys I dated kissed the ground I walked on and I think that's why I'm not used to a kind of guy that doesn't. I'm grateful he at least shows it in his actions though otherwise this wouldn't work.


The last two guys kissed the ground you walk on.. yet you are not with either of them now. Why is that?

Relationships that develop very fast are often not good relationships. Sounds to me like this new guy takes might take things a lot more seriously. He could be much better long term relationship material.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

if a guy kissed the ground I walked on, I would be turned off. Which is probably why you are not with them anymore.

Just enjoy what you have. If you want to talk with him, then talk...he will listen, he just may not say much. that's how my hubs is...but then...a couple days later, his actions show me that he heard what i said and puts it into practice .


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## hellolove (Dec 21, 2011)

The first guy I was with for 4 years. He was my HS sweetheart and we dated though college doing the long distance thing and in the summers we were together and that was our time together.One huge change was he wasn't the same guy I fell in love with at the end. He went from being one guy in high school to another by the time college was coming to an end. The last year of our relationship he stopped making me a priority. He put everything before me and I was sick of feeling like I wasn't important in his life. He totally took me for granted.

The second guy was manipulative and wanted me to be a Marine wife. He told me he loved me 2 weeks after I met him. He would also talk about marrying me right of the bat as well which I found strange. He was back and forth about joining the marines. Would promise me he wasn't gonna do it and then a month later said he was and that he thought I was "strong" enough to marry into that lifestyle. I told him time and again to make up his mind because that wasn't the life I wanted. Not to mention he has a weird drinking issue. Whenever he would drink hard liquor he would have these bizarre episodes that were scary and unacceptable. With that and the marine thing-it didn't work out.


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## hellolove (Dec 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> if a guy kissed the ground I walked on, I would be turned off. Which is probably why you are not with them anymore.
> 
> Just enjoy what you have. If you want to talk with him, then talk...he will listen, he just may not say much. that's how my hubs is...but then...a couple days later, his actions show me that he heard what i said and puts it into practice .


Thanks for your feedback!  You're probably right. There is a fine line between being too vocal about your feelings and not vocal enough and I'm probably on the better end of the spectrum. Haha!


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