# I don't care if you die



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I'm one of those parents who accepts that the child is either reflecting, mirroring, or demonstrating an emotion/pain/whatever as a result of the parents' (or in fact other people's, but usually the parents') input. After being called an idiot three times in 90 minutes, the worst mother in the world, and told as per thread title 'I don't care if you die' by my NINE year old, I figure I'm doing something wrong. Or is this just a phase others have lived with and worked through? Maybe all kids test in different ways according to their vocabulary?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

It is not a book simply about what we often think of as discipline. (punishment) It is about self esteem, development and character.

If you tolerate being called idiot three times followed by I don't care if you die then your child needs to understand one immutable fact

S/he does not have the right to speak to another human being in that manner.

It is a phase. One that is only going to get worse if not addressed well. Nine turns into 15. (And if that sentence puts fear into your heart, like it does mine, read the book!) As a matter of fact, I have it in my book case. I am going back to read it again.

Now that I plugged the book.

Whatever your child is feeling. She DOESN'T have the right to speak to another human being that way. You are not her best buddy. You are her MOTHER. Whatever her feelings are, yes you are there to hear them. To help with resolution. WHEN she has spoken to you in a manner that any human being is due. WHEN she can speak to you like a normal human being, THEN you can continue to converse. Until then she can remove herself to think on the issue.

JMO.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I'm one of those parents who accepts that the child is either reflecting, mirroring, or demonstrating an emotion/pain/whatever as a result of the parents' (or in fact other people's, but usually the parents') input. After being called an idiot three times in 90 minutes, the worst mother in the world, and told as per thread title 'I don't care if you die' by my NINE year old, I figure I'm doing something wrong. Or is this just a phase others have lived with and worked through? Maybe all kids test in different ways according to their vocabulary?


My oldest two (now 19 and 15) never said it but I expect it will come someday from my 3 year old. I see it in his eyes! 9 year olds don't know what die means. She means she's really pissed at you and wishes you'd go away awhile! It hurts but if it's a particularly frustrating day, I'd give the kid space and discuss it later. I would discuss better ways to phrase 'get off my back' as opposed to wishing you death! I see the look of hell to come in my 3 year old! Love him passionately but he doesn't have to wish me death - the kid is going to kill me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Golfergirl has a good point. Help her find a better way to say MAN I AM SO DAMNED MAD AT YOU I COULD SPIT.

And she has another good point. Your child does not really wish you dead. AND she has enough confidence in your love that she can lash out at you without fear of losing you. So your foundation is clearly very strong.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Golfergirl has a good point. Help her find a better way to say MAN I AM SO DAMNED MAD AT YOU I COULD SPIT.
> 
> And she has another good point. Your child does not really wish you dead. AND she has enough confidence in your love that she can lash out at you without fear of losing you. So your foundation is clearly very strong.


:iagree: It's best to ask questions so they're actively thinking about the situation. Children love to feel involved in things, including solutions to their issues. When she returns willing to discuss what's upsetting her, ask her how she could handle this differently in the future. If she says she doesn't know ask her if she'd like you to give her options. Follow up with a few scenarios that would be acceptable and ask her if she thinks one would work more than the other. 

The more questions, the more she's thinking and absorbing.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> :iagree: It's best to ask questions so they're actively thinking about the situation. Children love to feel involved in things, including solutions to their issues. When she returns willing to discuss what's upsetting her, ask her how she could handle this differently in the future. If she says she doesn't know ask her if she'd like you to give her options. Follow up with a few scenarios that would be acceptable and ask her if she thinks one would work more than the other.
> 
> The more questions, the more she's thinking and absorbing.



OMG Thank you all of you at the time I was really distraught, but (a) my OH rang to apologise for misinterpreting something I'd said earlier on (and no, I really don't think I was taking this out on 9yo) 
(b) just the passage of time led 9yo (son!) to be fairly calm and ask me to say goodnight - again- and I stroked his forehead which he loves so the night ended ok. 
BUT - I feel very much better and kind of think it's right to think that he is confident he can be a 9yo biatch because he knows he's not going to lose my love**. Upside down but makes sense. Thank you all of you again. 
(mind you, any further thoughts welcome. - I'm sure come the morning something else will surface!)


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

madimoff said:


> OMG Thank you all of you at the time I was really distraught, but (a) my OH rang to apologise for misinterpreting something I'd said earlier on (and no, I really don't think I was taking this out on 9yo)
> (b) just the passage of time led 9yo (son!) to be fairly calm and ask me to say goodnight - again- and I stroked his forehead which he loves so the night ended ok.
> BUT - I feel very much better and kind of think it's right to think that he is confident he can be a 9yo biatch because he knows he's not going to lose my love**. Upside down but makes sense. Thank you all of you again.
> (mind you, any further thoughts welcome. - I'm sure come the morning something else will surface!)


Ahhh a son. I just assumed a daughter because I just did LOL! Glad the little guy calmed down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If adults could be sent to eternal damnation by the words of a 9 year old, the earth would be populated by only adolescents. "Meanest Mommy" or "Meanest Daddy on Earth" is a badge of honor worn by every parent who has ever said "no" or enforced a rule. It means you're doing the job correctly. Your reward is the sweet knowledge that your grandkids will say the same things to them when they become parents. You will get to perpetually say "Yes" to your grandkids, stuff them with candy, spoil them rotten, and send their hyper butts home to torment your son and they can wish death upon him. It's just the precious cycle of life. It's awful to be on the receiving end as a parent, but it's great amusement for a grandparent.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If adults could be sent to eternal damnation by the words of a 9 year old, the earth would be populated by only adolescents. *"Meanest Mommy" or "Meanest Daddy on Earth" is a badge of honor worn by every parent who has ever said "no" or enforced a rule. It means you're doing the job correctly. Your reward is the sweet *knowledge that your grandkids will say the same things to them when they become parents. You will get to perpetually say "Yes" to your grandkids, stuff them with candy, spoil them rotten, and send their hyper butts home to torment your son and they can wish death upon him. It's just the precious cycle of life. It's awful to be on the receiving end as a parent, but it's great amusement for a grandparent.


:smthumbup: Good post, good notion! In that case I have a swathe of badges reminiscent of a Russian general's uniform!!!

btw, I posted this which touches on the whole 'son & me falling out' issue, to little (no:scratchhead response.... have I been kidding myself that it's nothing to do with it?

_So I'd thought we were well back on track. Silly me. 
OH rings from other continent a few hours back, I tell him 9yo & I've had a bit of a falling out (understatement) but we (ie OH & I) have ok small chat and agree to speak later and he to speak to 9yo.
Time goes, son & I make up then literally moments before OH rings all hell breaks loose again, over what I can't begin to describe, definitely trivia, probably denial of permission to use a toy I'd bought him because he'd been good over school work. A rare occurrence. (me buying him a treat) This is relevant later. 
OH rings, speaks to 9yo, sounds ok-ish, I speak to OH, he mentions - not the first subject we talk about, though - that this has kicked off just as he's about to go to airport tomorrow (on cruise - on his own). Few sentences pass and he asks why I buy son presents when he treats me this way, I get upset and say because I rarely buy him treats and this was meant to mean something, and (voice cracking by this stage) I say it can't be helped he's just about to go to airport; he accuses me of shouting at him and puts the phone down. I was upset - he doesn't do 'stress' well, particularly where 9yo is concerned, and it often feels like I'm parenting alone half the time(true) but when he's not here I can't vent for fear of 'upsetting' him. 
*@#+** 
Should be more articulate. I can do it in my head, but not on TAM.
Anyone any thoughts? _

nb OH did ring later and apologise for misinterpreting what I'd said .............


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have a 5 year old , a 8.5 year old daughter and an almost 11 year old boy. They can be mad at me all they want but I will not tolerate name calling or wishes for me to be dead (and yes at that age I think they very well know what that means). 

We can sit down and discuss feelings, solutions but I refuse to be abused by my own children. That behavior will be met by swift consequences.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I have a 5 year old , a 8.5 year old daughter and an almost 11 year old boy. They can be mad at me all they want but I will not tolerate name calling or wishes for me to be dead (and yes at that age I think they very well know what that means).
> 
> We can sit down and discuss feelings, solutions but I refuse to be abused by my own children. That behavior will be met by swift consequences.


While agreeing wholeheartedly in principle (hence the hassle because I refused to give in to whingeing about a ***** toy!) I actually struggle when it comes to consequences. He's lippy, strong and very much in the midst of shyt stirring when it comes to OH & me & our problems - which we pretty much accept is very often over him, or at least 'outside influences', not mainly US (if you see what I mean)
So what consequences would you do? If I pull the plugs out on the game equipment - which I've done before now - and/or the TV, then he'll be in a foul mood when he speaks on the phone to OH which means OH will be in a foul mood when he speaks to me and so the cycle continues. 
Put him in his room? Well ok but he's an only child and we live in the sticks so I often feel guilty that because of the current economy we haven't been able to sell up and move somewhere better for him in terms of providing playmates. 
*sigh*
Smack on the bum? occasionally I resort to that in desperation but it achieves very little. 
Ground him? Well as with any kind of playmate issue, that means not a lot because if I were to turn his (foreign language speaking) friends away it would be counterproductive because he needs as much immersion as possible. 

(mind you I still agree with you over consequences - it's just WHAT?)


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

madimoff said:


> (mind you I still agree with you over consequences - it's just WHAT?)


You are in a tough spot vs where I am. See I've been doing this since they could talk. I'm tough but fair. I rarely have to use consequences now because they know what I expect and they also know I won't let them get away with anything. It's different when you start when they are 2 vs 9 that's for sure.

I've got a book recommendation for you. Haven't read it in a while but I think it applies and if memory serves me right it has some creative strategies for getting kids (older ones too) to do what you want.

Amazon.com: You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded): Strategies for Bringing Out the Best in Your Strong-Willed Child (9781578561933): Cynthia Ulrich Tobias: Books


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