# Dating after divorce



## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

This is my first time posting in this particular forum. I've been posting alot in the "going through divorce or separation" forum but now that my divorce is almost over I'm running into new feelings/issues. 

I'm a 32 year old male with no kids, great job and a great group of friends/family but I'm finding difficult to actually fully put myself out there to start dating again. I have days where I feel like I'm ready and then I'll have days where I feel like I'm not fully "healed" of the crap I've gone through these past 8 months. 

I dont know where to start as far as meeting women. I've had a few friends talk about wanting to hook me up with coworkers and such but nothing has actually panned out yet. I've gotten a few phone numbers from women while I'm out with friends but that too hasnt panned out mostly due to my lack of confidence to actually call them. And online dating...I dont really know who I feel about that.

I guess I'm looking for advice or ideas on whether or not I should be worried that I havent met anyone yet or if it takes time. How long did any of you go after your divorce before you started dating?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It depends. How long have you been separated before filing for divorce? Wasn't sure what the 8 months referred to. Bear in mind, most women will be a bit put-off by someone who is "almost" divorced and might not be interested. I am going through a divorce right now after a year's separation and some guys definitely just weren't interested, whether because there was no attraction, or because I explained where I was and that I was separated not divorced. Definitely be upfront about where you are in the process. It will be awkward, but someone deserves to know before they get emotionally invested in you that you aren't technically divorced yet. Online dating can be helpful in that respect, because you can specify on most sites, and people are able to filter you out if they really care a lot about your separated/divorced status.

You'll get different answers on this board, depending who you ask. Some folks will tell you not to date at all until after your divorce is final. I have found it very good practice and a helpful way of flexing a muscle I hadn't used in a while. 

Sounds like you are getting your life together and that's great. You have your family and friendship groups and you're getting out and socializing. Have you considered stepping outside your friendship group to do something social that involves new people? Maybe take a class, join a meetup group, or start a new hobby you've been wanting to try for a while - you meet lots of new people that way. So not all of them are romantic interests, but if you expand your social circle a bit, you might find you have an easier time meeting people.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

I've wondered the same question and found there is no "right" answer. I've been officially divorced for 5 months. I just turned 39 (though I like to think I look a little younger, ha ha). I have two kids. I have a pretty good job. I also have a great support network.

I've asked myself: am I ready?

I don't know...and I think that tells me a lot. 

I think I would be ready for something casual. I wouldn't mind going out on a date now and then. I wouldn't mind meeting someone to hang out with.

I just don't know if I'm ready for anything serious...and I'm scared even something casual could lead to that.

I know I have to get to the point where I am not looking for someone to "distract" me from the sadness of losing my wife (a woman I loved very deeply). I also cannot simply go looking for someone to replace her. The key is knowing when I'm over her enough to not do these things.

I think for all of us the answer is different, but be honest with yourself. Ask yourself the hard questions about where you're at emotionally and trust yourself enough to act accordingly.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I will second what @joannacroc said. What activities do you do for fun that would provide the opportunity to meet people naturally? That is where you should start. If nothing else, you will build even more social confidence and that is really attractive to potential partner. If you do not do anything, you better start. 

You are not a pre-owned car. You do not have to "put" yourself out there. Just BE out there. 

I have a very good looking dog (yes, dog). Strangers just stop (even when driving) to compliment on my dog's appearance. (I still do not get it.) Lot's of woman approach me at the dog park and it's a very good conversation started. I told my wife that if we ever get divorced, I am keeping the dog. 

Anyway, hope you get my point. You can do the co-worker set up or the online dating too (after divorce is final). Others can provide better advice on that. Just have fun doing what you like and allow for the natural meetings and attraction by common interest. You can start that part now, even before divorce is finalized.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

For what it's worth, if you aren't really sure you're ready to date, then you may just not be ready. Most emotionally healthy people take some time off from dating after a breakup - particularly a divorce - to do some healing and introspection. It can take a while to get back into the swing of being just yourself, rather than part of a couple, and to figure out how to be happy alone before you try to add another person into the mix. To me, jumping from a marriage directly into dating again would be a huge red flag in a man. So, no, I don't think there's any reason to be worried you haven't found someone new before your divorce is even final. 

Also, as another poster already mentioned, many women simply do not date men who are still married. Even if they're separated. Even if the divorce is almost final. I'm such a woman. My advice would be that if you're going to date before your divorce is finalized, that you be very honest and very clear about your marital status with anyone you do go out with. It's very unpleasant to meet a "single" or "divorced" man for coffee only to discover that he's actually still technically married.

I guess a good place to start would be to ask yourself a couple questions: Why do you want to date? What are you looking for or hoping to find through dating?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Put yourself out there, but not with the goal of dating. In fact, try to be around more men-centered activities so you get more comfortable being around new people and making new friends. There is going to be a normal amount of awkwardness as you get back to being a single person. No sense in trying to multiply the awkwardness by adding in trying to date.

Some of the activities I think would be more men-centric or have a lot of opportunities to befriend men:

- Habitat for Humanity. Mostly men when I've volunteered

- CrossFit gym. Probably 60/40 men to women when I've gone

- Cycle classes at gym. 

- Join a bowling, pool, dart, etc league.

Sports and the gym offer great opportunities to casually meet a lot of people. If you start conversations, try to do it just with men at first so there's no weirdness about flirting. Eventually you'll be much more comfortable and be able to strike up casual conversations with women.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think you answered your own question - you aren't confident. Confidence comes from believing in yourself. Often times post divorce, belief in yourself is probably the aspect of who you are that gets knocked down the most. Take the time to focus on your self, fall in love with YOU. Do the things that you want, achieve the things that you want, do things for yourself. Once you realize how much you have to offer the world, your confidence will soar and you will attract people (men and women) who will recognize, accept and value who you are as well. Don't look for a woman, look for yourself and everything will happen naturally.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Pack, when to date is completely up to you. I think a lot of people want to date right away after a relationship ends to get validation that they are still desirable to other people. There's nothing wrong with dating for that reason, but it is probably healthier to take a break and wait to date until you are past that stage. I'm about 5 months post divorce and am self-aware enough to know that I still am not "ready" by my standards. I'll occasionally go on a date but each time it just reinforces that I need to wait a bit longer. I really think it will be at least a year post-divorce until I am able to even consider letting someone new into my life. But, each person is different.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> It depends. How long have you been separated before filing for divorce? Wasn't sure what the 8 months referred to. Bear in mind, most women will be a bit put-off by someone who is "almost" divorced and might not be interested. I am going through a divorce right now after a year's separation and some guys definitely just weren't interested, whether because there was no attraction, or because I explained where I was and that I was separated not divorced. Definitely be upfront about where you are in the process. It will be awkward, but someone deserves to know before they get emotionally invested in you that you aren't technically divorced yet. Online dating can be helpful in that respect, because you can specify on most sites, and people are able to filter you out if they really care a lot about your separated/divorced status.
> 
> You'll get different answers on this board, depending who you ask. Some folks will tell you not to date at all until after your divorce is final. I have found it very good practice and a helpful way of flexing a muscle I hadn't used in a while.
> 
> Sounds like you are getting your life together and that's great. You have your family and friendship groups and you're getting out and socializing. Have you considered stepping outside your friendship group to do something social that involves new people? Maybe take a class, join a meetup group, or start a new hobby you've been wanting to try for a while - you meet lots of new people that way. So not all of them are romantic interests, but if you expand your social circle a bit, you might find you have an easier time meeting people.


Thank you for the response. We've been separated for over 8 months now, the divorce should be final in March.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I will second what @joannacroc said. What activities do you do for fun that would provide the opportunity to meet people naturally? That is where you should start. If nothing else, you will build even more social confidence and that is really attractive to potential partner. If you do not do anything, you better start.
> 
> You are not a pre-owned car. You do not have to "put" yourself out there. Just BE out there.
> 
> ...


Lately I've been spending a lot of time out with friends but it's usually happy hour or dinner or golf with buddies...stuff like that. I think I do need to start looking else where for other social activities. 

It's funny you brought up your dog. I have an english bulldog and literally had the same conversation with my STBXW in years past that should anything happen I'm keeping the dog and I did. I was just out taking her for a walk this past Sunday and got a comment about how good looking my dog was but it came from an elderly man hahaha not a good looking nice woman... I'll keep trying!


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Confidence is easily the hardest thing post-divorce for me to have, and it is, I have found, easily the most important thing in attracting women. 

You are thinking about this, which means you are craving some interaction or companionship. That does NOT mean you have to go into a 'relationship' immediately. It is normal to desire connection with a female. 

I would say...first, work out if you do not already. If you do not, get a basic workout and go to the gym 3-4 times a week. Once you start feeling stronger confidence, and positivity, will follow-- and these are things that are not easy to put a finger on, but if you have them others will be attracted to you whether they know why or not. WORK OUT. 

Two, dont worry about labels. Yes, sometimes on HERE or in other situations they are an easier way to describe a situation, but no need to use them when you are meeting people. Having said that, tell anyone you are interested in where you are at-- not in a sob-story way-- but in a confident, manly way that shows you know who you are, you know where you are at, and you are not afraid to be honest. 

Three-- -READ. Brene Brown has a great book called "Daring Greatly". Has nothing to do with dating but it will help you look at yourself. Mostly though, I recommend a book by Mark Manson called Models-Attracting Women Through Honesty. So much good info in there I cant even start to get into it. 

Four-- consider individual counseling to help work through these uncertainties.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My advice is take it slow....not all dating has to lead to anything. Sometimes dating just for fun is great.

Don't date co-workers. I have never seen that end well

One step at a time


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

Wow thank you everyone. Great advice from all of you and I really appreciate it.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I am at the 15 month mark since being divorced. And to be honest, I don't feel ready. Not at all. I am still raw and resentful about the things my ex did to me. It's less intense now, and doesn't take up most of my life like it did a year ago, but it's still there and I would not want to bring that in to a new relationship. 

This is a personal belief, but I think it's important to spend time with yourself. I think in the long run taking time now to take care of yourself, emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, will make you a better partner in the long run and help you attract a better partner. 

So my opinion is that it's just too soon. You've got time and there is no hurry.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

MrPack said:


> I guess I'm looking for advice or ideas on whether or not I should be worried that I havent met anyone yet or if it takes time. How long did any of you go after your divorce before you started dating?


You're putting the cart before the horse. Forget the girls for now and just get the divorce 100% over with. THEN you can start worrying about meeting girls. Though you don't really seem ready. 

Honestly, at 32 you're pretty young. Just be by yourself for a year and "do you". Hit the gym hard and keep busy. Once that becomes normal to you, you start worrying about girls.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

MrPack, when you are ready....you'll know. Before the divorce, I thought dating and the company of someone would help me through the loniness. It helped a little. In the end, I realized it was really just a distraction. I decided that I needed to focus on myself and my kids. I was so afraid of being alone and hated the fact that my ex didn't have to deal the loniness I was going through. What made me decide to stop dating was when my daughter was trying to talk to me and I ended up pretty much ignoring her. It made me feel guilty. At the same time, I started to notice how I was pretty much getting dragged into a relationship. I didn't like that one bit. Not to mention the drama that comes with being in a relationship. Like the song from Jay-Z. Right now, I have "99 problems and a b!tch ain't one." I'm glad for that. 


I know the word "entitled" gets used a lot in a negative way to describe the ex's. Being a single now, you have the right to feel "entitled". You have the right to choose when you are ready. What you will accept and what you will not. What you expect from someone and what you are willing to give. Of course you have to fix yourself first. Be it physically or mentally. Work on yourself and rebuild that confidence. Don't set a date of when you will be ready to be in a relationship. Set a date of when you expect to accomplish your goals. 

The best revenge is finding happiness. Rediscover yourself and pick up new or old things that bring you joy. That's the best thing you can do for yourself right now. 

It's good to see you're in a better place now than you were months ago. Keep at it MrPack. You got this, buddy. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don't rush it. It's not written anywhere that you have to throw yourself out there on a certain date/time.

Maybe time to hit the gym if you haven't do a little update on your wardrobe, etc.

Take some time for yourself as well. Do some things you've always wanted but never had the time.

The best is when you just run into someone at the grocery store etc.

At your age your life is what you want to make it.

Good luck but honestly you won't need any.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MrPack said:


> This is my first time posting in this particular forum. I've been posting alot in the "going through divorce or separation" forum but now that my divorce is almost over I'm running into new feelings/issues.
> 
> I'm a 32 year old male with no kids, great job and a great group of friends/family but I'm finding difficult to actually fully put myself out there to start dating again. I have days where I feel like I'm ready and then I'll have days where I feel like I'm not fully "healed" of the crap I've gone through these past 8 months.
> 
> ...


Most people jump far too soon into new relationships after a marriage break up. This maybe why so many of them also fail. It was 4 years before I felt emotionally ready for a new relationship and I wasnt interested in casual dating so didnt do that.

A man called jim Smoke who started the divorce recovery workshops and who has counselled many hundreds of divorced and divorcing people, recommends at least 2 years before dating again. He says that far too many do it before they are healed or emotionally ready and thats why people get into more messes and marriage break ups.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I wouldn't try the natural way first. Find some activities that you can meet others. 

Keep your eye out at the grocery store, take the dog to the park, take some cooking classes, etc.

I'm sure there are a lot of events areas I'm not covering. Enjoy the time out looking. 

Bars, etc, meh not do much. 

Remember you are a Packer Backer and we have standards.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

No rush! You aren't even divorced yet and it takes time to heal. You have to be fine with being alone before you can move on to being with someone else. I won't date someone who is separated because I did it twice with bad results - they were rebound relationships for those men even if they didn't know it at the time. 

Join meetup.com - you can likely find groups in your area that do things that interest you from beer tasting and networking to hiking and biking. That way you'll have an active social life without the pressure of dating.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Two plus years in post divorce and I still feel the same way. My theory is to keep an open mind and enjoy what comes. A date or a few dates isn't commitment. I've decided that I'll know I'm ready for a something serious when I get to the intersection of me being ready and her being right. The more right she is the more ready I'll be. 

As for online dating and the apps, I say jump in with both feet. Just be upfront about your situation and your desire to keep things casual unless things develop into more naturally. There's a ton of women out there in the same place you are so don't be shy. 

Lastly, guard against wallowing in the past losses. The longer you let them hold you back the more you'll delay happiness. That speaks to all things not just relationships.


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## Philglossop1 (Nov 14, 2015)

2 and half years in, and finally I'm happy and ready. But I'm not looking- instead I think it's found me instead- which is a much a happier state of affairs than forcing matters.

And yup it's mutual- it's actually my best mate


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