# How to get him to be more affectionate



## standbymee (Dec 30, 2013)

My fiancée and I have been together for 9 months. The first few months he was very caring and affectionate but now that the newness has wore off he does not show me the same affection as he use to. 
I'm always loving up on him, rubbing his back or playing with his hair which he enjoys but when it comes to him doing the same, he don't. 
I tell him how I feel but he don't seem to get it!
How's come a man can show his dog love and affection but not his woman!?!? 
He knew going into our relationship how affectionate I was but now he says I should toughen up! 
A woman enjoys being touched and pampered! Is it to much to ask for a little love before bed? 
I love him so much, I've never felt so in love with someone as I do him, I'm constantly doting over him, telling him how much I love him, how I'm so happy to have him etc. 
I just want the same attention....
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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Maybe you are smothering him? Try avoiding your overt affection for a couple days. If he turns pathetic and mushy then you are just in a phase of normalizing the relationship. Or, just tell him to start caring or you are leaving. Is there sex involved?
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## standbymee (Dec 30, 2013)

Gseries said:


> Maybe you are smothering him? Try avoiding your overt affection for a couple days. If he turns pathetic and mushy then you are just in a phase of normalizing the relationship. Or, just tell him to start caring or you are leaving. Is there sex involved?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, we have a healthy sex life, but I feels that's the only time he gives me affection...
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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Before the wedding, I suggest you both read His Needs, Her Needs and determine what your love languages are. Do it now so you both understand what the other wants/needs moving forward. Communicate!


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Oh honey, welcome to MY world! My BF was very affectionate in the beginning of our relationship. He was the epitomy of "Mr. Snuggles". But now? No way, no how! I was starved for touch. He never rejected me when I wanted to snuggle up to him on the couch or in bed but I got tired of always making the first move. I wanted him to initiate it sometimes. I had talked to him about it and he did make changes but then went right back to being Mr. Distant. However, if he EVER told me to "toughen up" the last touch I would have given him was the shove out the door. That is just completely disrespectful and insensitive to your feelings. 

But here's what I did and this is my advice to you. Which is not much different than what Gseries said above..... Don't initiate anymore. Don't suffocate him. Why should he be propelled to initiate affection if you do all the time? I know it will be difficult but stay resigned to that decision to not be the first one to touch. I know it sounds like a little bit of game playing but you need reassurance from him that he WANTS to be affectionate and not just feel like he has to because you are touching him first. If he asks what is up, tell him the truth. Tell him you feel physically rejected and you are staying away because you don't want to do anything he doesn't want to do. And see what he says. However, if he does initiate, ENJOY IT. Make sure you tell him how nice it feels to be in his arms. Not how nice it was that he finally made the move. There's a big difference. Encourage the behavior by expressing your happiness. You may not see changes over night so be patient. 

And I think it would be OK to tell him that you didn't appreciate his "toughen up" comment. Tell him that one of the reasons why you fell in love with him was because of the physical closeness he gave you. 

Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What's the rush? Why is he a "fiancée", after 9 months? 

My advice... Slow things down. Get to know him better, know who he is. You're still in your "shiny new relationship" period, and things like this will likely still not be any better than they are now. Decide if that's acceptable to you. Marrying someone with the hope/expectation they'll change to meet your needs... That's an almost guaranteed return visit to this site in 5 years or so.

C
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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

standbymee said:


> Yes, we have a healthy sex life, but I feels that's the only time he gives me affection...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have several thoughts . first I'm jealous because you're the shiny new phase of learning about each other . second it sounds like the classical stereo type of how men show their feelings. 3rd it is written here a lot that you have to tell a man what you want him to do , don't just expect him to figure it out on his own
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## standbymee (Dec 30, 2013)

Why is he my fiancée? Well just cause we are engaged doesn't mean we are getting married tomorrow! 
I truly do love him and I so badly want this to work! That's why I came to this site! 
This is his 2nd marriage (he is 33) and this is my 3rd marriage (I'm 39) 

I think I will try the distant myself from giving him so much affection and see how it goes, I have tried that before and he will ask me to rub his back, so then I will, I don't want to shun him from my love, but I would like to feel him as well! 
I've told him a marriage is 100/100 and it's give and take!
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That sounds like a good start, but...

Given that this is your third kick at the cat, are you sure you're good at picking out red flags in relationships? That your "people picker" is operating at 100%?

How long have you been engaged?

I don't understand "marriage is 100/100", but maybe that's just me. In particular, how that might relate to someone giving more physical affection to a dog than to their partner in a healthy relationship...

C
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## standbymee (Dec 30, 2013)

I think I do know how to pick out the red flags, but I think I try and close my eyes to the problems, thinking they will go away! I'm trying to change my ways, that's probably why the first 2 marriages didn't work....
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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

standbymee said:


> I think I do know how to pick out the red flags, but I think I try and close my eyes to the problems, thinking they will go away! I'm trying to change my ways, that's probably why the first 2 marriages didn't work....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Picking out the problems and then closing your eyes to them doesn't do you any good. And you're doing it here again. IMHO. 

C
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## standbymee (Dec 30, 2013)

I know.... I need help.... I'm afraid of being alone, so I close my eyes
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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

standbymee said:


> ...
> 
> I think I will try the *distant myself from giving him so much affection and see how it goes, I have tried that before and he will ask me to rub his back,* so then I will, I don't want to shun him from my love, but I would like to feel him as well!
> I've told him a marriage is 100/100 and it's give and take!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So he missed your affection so much that he asked for it. And you gave it and that made him happy and content. Well next time you distance yourself and he asks for a back rub, _pleasantly _ask him "do you really want a back rub or would you prefer to just "toughen up" and go do something else. 

Perhaps when he has a taste of his own medicine he will think twice and stop what I suspect is just a lazy attitude towards initiating affection with you. Got to nip this sort of thing in the bud - wish I had!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

standbymee said:


> I know.... I need help.... I'm afraid of being alone, so I close my eyes
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fix yourself before you get into another unhealthy relationship. How long were you single before you started seeing this guy? How long did you date before you got engaged?

C
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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are smothering this guy. You come here gushing like a 15 year old girl, I can only imagine what its like when you're with him! Having said that, I can relate to you in that I am also a super affectionate person. I give it freely and often, and I need it in return to feel loved and close to my partner. You need to try and have a rational conversation with him about it, let him know how important it is to you and ask what has made him pull back.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That whole toughen up thing was bad. Are you sure you want to be with him?

Dh is not very affectionate. He is from a culture where people do not hug, so it is not second nature.

Basically, I ask for the affection I want. Sounds ridiculous, but it works. And sometimes he will do it on his own. And I really appreciate that.

Nobody gets it all in marriage. You need to know what is most important to you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

After only knowing each other for 9 months, I'd say it is too soon to commit to getting married just yet. How soon did you get engaged?

This isn't likely to change.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

I would like to retract my comments after learning about the third marriage. Seems like third trip requires brutal honesty at all times....
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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

If you don't know already. You need to figure out why your first three marriages ended. He needs to do the same. Otherwise past problems that are unresolved could take down this marriage too. 

Also. I would recomend you both take emotional needs and love language tests. It will help you know what the other needs to feel loved and supported on a daily basis. 

You also have to drill into his head that the way he treated you when you met, is the way he should be prepared to treat you for life. Too many marriages fail because we get comfortable and figure setting the cruise on our marriage will be enough. I recently woke up after 20 hard years of marriage and realized that it isn't enough. I flirt with and pursue my wife all day, everyday. Most days I don't even have to ask her for sex, it just happens because I've been preparing her for it all day. It takes some work, but a lot less work than begging for sex used to take. 

The toughen up comment was in poor taste and should be fed back to him. Like maybe the next time he wants sex. Don't marry him if he can't learn you better.
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