# A life worth living



## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

I have a nagging question buzzing through my brain right now that I just can't seem to find an argument for, so I want to see who can knock it for whatever reason. Don't be gentle here.

If the husband is working to make a living, shouldn't it be the wife's role to make the life worth living?


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## hypatia (May 30, 2011)

So who makes the wife's life worth living?


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## Currant (Mar 18, 2011)

I believe one makes their own life worth living, the spouse is just complimentary.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

If the husband is investing 40 hours a week in providing an income and a home, and the wife is investing 40 hours a week making a happy home, then surely it is a win/win situation?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If only was that simple and easy.

Something always seems to go wrong. The wife gets lonely b/c H works all the time, or the W gets bored and the dynamic change. I guess back in the day it was different, but then women started to burn there bras, and men became stay at home dads the world has changed, and along with that the dynamics of marriage has changed.

It seems one way or another resentment seems to get its claws into the relationship. Guys need to work more then ever then chicks want to work and then the house work goes south. 

I think that now that women have burned there bras the machanics of marriage of which you speak of are long gone. 

I respect women and this is not about womens right here, it about my perspective to Mephisto's question and why it is no longer a win/win in this age.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Because some of society screamed loud enough that it was wrong it automatically became wrong? Is that what you mean Guy? 

Seems to me there is a big herd of women wanting their cake and eat it too! "I want to be a SAHM, but I want my husband to do 1/2 the housework, all the gardening, shower me in gifts and praise, surprise me with romance, give me several days off a week to play with my friends, and give me complete access to his credit cards!"

And they wonder why we men are so lost......


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> I have a nagging question buzzing through my brain right now that I just can't seem to find an argument for, so I want to see who can knock it for whatever reason. Don't be gentle here.
> 
> If the husband is working to make a living, shouldn't it be the wife's role to make the life worth living?


If the husband is the sole income earner in the household then yes I believe that the responsibility of creating a comfortable, happy home enviornment sits mainly with the wife. 

Whether we have or live a life worth living, is up to each individual though - it's an attitudinal thing.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> Because some of society screamed loud enough that it was wrong it automatically became wrong? Is that what you mean Guy?
> 
> Seems to me there is a big herd of women wanting their cake and eat it too! "I want to be a SAHM, but I want my husband to do 1/2 the housework, all the gardening, shower me in gifts and praise, surprise me with romance, give me several days off a week to play with my friends, and give me complete access to his credit cards!"
> 
> And they wonder why we men are so lost......


Hmmm...where do you find all these self-indulgent cake eating women? Most of the women I know are like me...they work demanding full time jobs (because they need to, not because it's a cute little hobby while "daddy" makes the real money), take primary care of the kids, the household, the finances and practically everything else. I was married 18 years and pretty much did everything while he watched tv, including getting my masters degree while he simply woke up every morning, slipped his wallet in his back pocket and ambled off to work (where he mostly flirted with women). And yet my ex makes a six figure salary with a high school education while I make about half that in a professional job (sorry, you'll never convince me that men are "lost"...society still favors men). Most of the women I know are like I am...hard working and responsible (even the stay at home moms), but then I choose not socialize with spoiled, pampered "ladies of leisure"...wouldn't have anything in common with them actually...what a vapid lifestyle. So perhaps it's the type of woman you're gravitating to?

I think some of you guys are still so mired in traditional gender roles that you pick dependent, subservient women to marry solely based on their looks or some other superficial quality. You swoop in and act like Prince Charming and then a few years later you expect these spoiled princesses to suddenly morph into hard working responsible women who share equitably in family life. If you pick a woman because she's got great breasts and a fantastic wardrobe, guess what...you end up with a trophy wife who likes to shop. Maybe next time pick a woman with intelligence and character too.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Does mephisto have some resentment or is this a lament for the sake of lamenting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Simply for the sake of lamenting.... I had just read a few other threads that revolved around the same theme.....


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

LOL - I think M has a point.

I was the breadwinner for 20 yrs, put my ex through college during that time, etc. To his credit he kept the home, did the chores. Our arrangement while it lasted was great.

I think most arrangements are negotiated, 2 career families, some w/SAHMs or SAHDs....its about cooperation and fufilling whatever the "family vision" is....

However, those "cake eaters" do exist, I'm sure there are male versions as well. But for the life of me, I always wonder how the eventually offended spouse didn't catch a clue earlier on. 

One guy friend hitting his mid life ended up toting a 20 yr old aspiring model. How I wish he had gotten a sports car. Another friend, a cute thing came along who needed a green card.....and would refuse to be seen in anything short of 4" heels. 

It was not uncommon after a long day at work, to find him on his knees scrubbing the toilet and preparing dinner for his kids while she sat perched in her usual position on the couch in her heels....clutching her latest designer bag they could in no way afford.

Sigh. both of these guys are dear friends but honestly, I cringed when they announced their respective engagements. Neither relationship ended well unfortunately, and yup, the gals took them to the cleaners. 

The first guy, such a nice looking smart guy, he teases me these days saying he should have found one "like me". I always remind him back in the day, while reasonably attractive, I was no way near his model standards, seriously, so many great women wandered through his life but he wanted ...... I'm not sure an image I guess?

Heck, if either had enough $ and/or time to afford the situation, it may well have worked out! 

I don't know, if folks find themselves in these situations today, I suppose they might want to go back to the beginning. Of course, it tends to seem easier to see other's situation at times.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> life worth living?


Well lets see... a life not worth living means the next best thing is death, and there isnt a whole lot going on over there.

What makes a life worth living is living said life by your terms, the way you want to live your life. Expecting someone else to make your life worth living is putting too much of a burden on that person, and its not fair to him/her.

Find out what it is that makes you want to wake up in the morning because you cant wait to do that thing, and you will be well on your way to living a life worth living.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

troy said:


> Well lets see... a life not worth living means the next best thing is death, and there isnt a whole lot going on over there.
> 
> What makes a life worth living is living said life by your terms, the way you want to live your life. Expecting someone else to make your life worth living is putting too much of a burden on that person, and its not fair to him/her.
> 
> Find out what it is that makes you want to wake up in the morning because you cant wait to do that thing, and you will be well on your way to living a life worth living.


:smthumbup:Couldn't have said it better myself!!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mephisto said:


> If the husband is investing 40 hours a week in providing an income and a home, and the wife is investing 40 hours a week making a happy home, then surely it is a win/win situation?


 I have to agree with the way Mephisto "thinks" - I am admitably Old Fashioned in these regards.

I chose to marry a man who thinks similar to myself so this has always worked out well for us. He has always assumed he would be the sole bread winner when the babies started coming (knowing having children was the desire of my heart) -the wife at home barefoot & pregnant tending to the rugrats, raising them. This has been our life for the last 20 yrs & I have enjoyed every minute of it -it has went too fast ! 

If I had to work, he would "feel bad" about that. (I have had a few small jobs here & there, but I did not need them for us to meet our bills). It helps immensely that we are both 'savers"- he entrusts every dime to me, I handle ALL the finances/checkbook, so earning big $$ has never been something we NEEDED in our marraige. He likes to tell people ..."she can squeeze a dime out of a nickle". We have been debt free since our early 40's. 

And from my end, I would NOT want to be married to a man who was a workoholic, spending 60 + hours a week to make us rich, I would miss the time with him, likely get bored & loney & identify with a "desperate Housewife". 

So we do what we have to do on our ends to acheive what we envision of that "life worth living", not too much excess, not too lowly. Acheiving our dreams (children, house in the country) as the $$ is saved & we can buy & not have a trail of debt to show for it. 

I am THANKFUL to not be a MAN and walk his shoes. I feel his Job working in the freezing cold of winter /swealtering heat of summer /dealing with the boss / projects at home / stress is MUCH higher than mine, so I WANT to make his life as EASY as possible, a joyful refuge to come home too. To make him happy makes me happy. 

He never falls down on his end so why should I on mine. I never expect or ask him to lay his hand to cooking, cleaning , laundry, all those mundane things that I can whip up and do while the kids are at school & he at work. I also try to save him from cutting the grass, it takes 3 hours on a rider. Unfortunetly sometimes I create more work by hitting a stump & the belt comes flying off -so even though I meant well, it is not beneficual when I create MORE work for him-by trying to save him work! 

What I want is *HIS TIME *-so when I use my time wisely doing MY SHARE at home, then we both have more leisure time together. We both win.  And the kids see a happier Mom & Dad too- and more time for them as well. 

This is how we see and experience a "life worth living".


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

troy said:


> Well lets see... a life not worth living means the next best thing is death, and there isnt a whole lot going on over there.
> 
> What makes a life worth living is living said life by your terms, the way you want to live your life. Expecting someone else to make your life worth living is putting too much of a burden on that person, and its not fair to him/her.
> 
> Find out what it is that makes you want to wake up in the morning because you cant wait to do that thing, and you will be well on your way to living a life worth living.


On a basic level you are correct, but it is more of a single person's view, when in a marriage, if one partner is not supporting the other's needs it leads to unhappiness. If you are getting griped at, not getting sex, not having the other half fulfill any sort of equal role to you, then you get resentment. 

There is existing, and then there is really living, two totally different levels of playing field.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> I have a nagging question buzzing through my brain right now that I just can't seem to find an argument for, so I want to see who can knock it for whatever reason. Don't be gentle here.
> 
> If the husband is working to make a living, shouldn't it be the wife's role to make the life worth living?


I would hate to rely on someone else to make my life worth living. I can do that myself. If my husband relied on me to be his crutch, I would think him a weakling and a fool.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Another old fashioned one here. I agree with OP. My husband works 50-60 hours a week so I can stay at home. I feel it's the least I can do to be his reward at the end of the day. I'm no dummy I like my life and want to keep it. I want him to love me being at home not resent me for it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Magnolidagal, I just read your thoughts on another thread -about never wanting to marry a Doctor , a lawyer or high powered professional -cause they think they are Gods gift (to all women) many times and prefer the blue callor worker anyday - I was ready to do a big :iagree: , then I just read this, another :iagree: I find we think almost identical -except I know you are a city girl & I dig the fresh country air of the sticks. Ha ha


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I find we think almost identical -except I know you are a city girl & I dig the fresh country air of the sticks. Ha ha


I was raised country and would happily live that way again but it's just not in my cards. Where I live has grown a lot in the 45 years I've been here. It used to be mayberry like and now it's more big city. There used to be nothing here and now we have a mall and a fast food restaurant on every corner. I am just trying to make the best of it that's all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> Where I live has grown a lot in the 45 years I've been here. It used to be mayberry like and now it's more big city. There used to be nothing here and now we have a mall and a fast food restaurant on every corner.


What you just said here is the summary of this children's classic http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/03..._m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0X9H8JH721B4RA38QFV4 It is one of my favorites, even if a little sad, but it has a happy ending when the grandkids decide to haul that little house back to a quiet country setting.

It is good to find contentment whereever we are in life though.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I personally enjoy providing the nurturing environment my husband and children come home to each day. Having said this, I don't like being told it's my job to provide a happy life for my husband. It's our job together to create a happy life for us. 

Granted, I am, like SA & Mag, in a traditional marriage and my husband and I decided I would be the main caregiver and he would be the main breadwinner but both of us are so much more and in order to make the transition from each phase of our lives happily I think doing it together is crucial.

I also want to add that women started burning bras for a reason just as men are man'ing up for a reason. The pendulum swings too far in either direction with one gender being taken advantage of and either/or will rebel in an attempt to swing it back and it will inevitably swing back.

The best partner you can have will accept you even if they don't understand you and try their hardest every time to understand you. This is without regards to gender because if you have this then any situation (guy/guy, girl/girl or guy/girl) raising children and going through life will succeed. It's when we get stuck on ourselves, our expectations and leave our spouse/significant other out that both lead away from a life worth living.


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## hypatia (May 30, 2011)

Mephisto said:


> If the husband is investing 40 hours a week in providing an income and a home, and the wife is investing 40 hours a week making a happy home, then surely it is a win/win situation?


So.... let's say it's Thursday. Wife has already put in her 40 hours cooking, cleaning, maybe tending to an unusually fussy child. Do the children fend for themselves until the next week begins? Does Husband begin cooking his own dinners after this point?

I'm not trying to be a wiseass. But I think the flaw in your proposal is that you task the husband with providing finite and tangible THINGS, but task the wife with providing a subjective and unmeasurable emotional state - "happy home." What does that mean, exactly? Sure, we can say things like a stay-at-home wife should keep the house clean and cook dinner. No argument there. 

But are clean counters and timely meals what make a person truly HAPPY? Would you be happy if your wife was emotionally frozen but kept a sparkling house and let you cum in her at regularly scheduled intervals? Maybe some people would. But I suspect a lot of husbands want things from their wives like kind words, smiles, physical love, or whatever your particular love language is. But the problem is that this cannot be one-sided, and it doesn't operate on a 40 hr/week schedule. 

If you lost your job on Friday, and your wife said - "Sorry honey, I'd love to console you, but I've already worked my 40 hours this week" - she would be heartless. If a wife's best friend died suddenly, and she came crying to her husband for solace, he would be heartless if he replied "Sorry honey, I already put a roof over your head, I'm not obligated to listen to you." 

One person can keep a home physically clean and organized, but it takes two people to make a home HAPPY.


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

If your husband is happy to come home to you and can appreciate what you have done while he has been at work, then I don't see it as you being his crutch Mom6547, it is being his partner. It is a one in-all in mentality. I have read so many threads on here and elsewhere, where the hubby works all day, and has to come home to a messy home, uncooked meal, dirty kids, yada yada yada, and the wife has been off doing her own thing all day... nails done, hair done, coffee with friends, lunch dates, facebook, whatever, but not working nor maintaining any of the other responsibilities in a house.

I am sure there are other stories where it is vice versa, playstation hubbies and such, but, as a guy who still holds to some old fashioned values, it irks me that partnerships can continue like this. 

I read posts about how women lose interest in their men because they start to see them as another child to look after, I read how men resent their wives for a sense of entitlement to half of his hard-earned even though they spend their days sitting around doing nothing but pamper themselves. Not looking at RLD or anything... 

I understand that not all partnerships are like this and thankfully I know that my wife is a hard working woman who will help me to get a LOT further in this life than I can on my own. I am also coming to realize that I need to push myself further than I otherwise would to make sure she is happy. My work does not end when I get home, it just changes form.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Mephisto said:


> If your husband is happy to come home to you and can appreciate what you have done while he has been at work, then I don't see it as you being his crutch Mom6547, it is being his partner. It is a one in-all in mentality. I have read so many threads on here and elsewhere, where the hubby works all day, and has to come home to a messy home, uncooked meal, dirty kids, yada yada yada, and the wife has been off doing her own thing all day... nails done, hair done, coffee with friends, lunch dates, facebook, whatever, but not working nor maintaining any of the other responsibilities in a house.
> 
> I am sure there are other stories where it is vice versa, playstation hubbies and such, but, as a guy who still holds to some old fashioned values, it irks me that partnerships can continue like this.
> 
> ...


I like this! 

I totally agree that if the husband is the sole breadwinner, the wife should get home life organized and make everything sweet for the husband when he comes home. 

But some husbands make this mistake, they think they are the breadwinners, they feel they are superior to the wives, they think what the wives are doing at home is easy, they don't appreciate the wives' hard work at home, it is very disappointing. If the wife is cooking, cleaning, looking after the young and old, her work is just as important as the husband's. 

And for a lot of those husbands, they forget to nurture their wives's emotional needs. They come home, eat dinner, and then start getting busy on their own stuff again, they forget that the wives are looking forward to have some meaningful conversation with them. I am sure a lot of wives start to feel ignored by their husbands, they feel their hard work is not being appreciated. The resentment starts to build up. 

It is difficult to have interesting conversation all the time, but it is important for the men to meet the wives' emotional needs, this is something can't be overlooked. 

Of course for the women who think they are entitled to an easy life, their attitude is only going to make their life hard. We are human, we have responsibilities, we are not entitled to anything, we have to work hard to get it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Everything you say Greenpearl is *Golden*. 

These things REALLY come down to our *attitudes* - towards "our work" whether it be the SAHM or the Bread winning husband or both earning , our attitudes towards our spouse, and what they contribute, seeing it's value & verbally expressing appreciation for it on both ends. 

We can either be THANKFUL for our place in life -realizing & appreciating "the load" the other carries and wanting to do our part to save them --- or we can have a sour attitude -nit picking and demanding that OUR LOAD is harder, and they owe us ! 

Which attitude shall we choose this day ??? 


Men and women are both guilty of this and it is can be very demeaning and damaging in marriages. 

I , like Mephisto, also have noticed many threads where the husband is out working all day to come home to a disaster of a house , the wife is doing her own thing-out & about during the day, and he has to fend for himself. I try not to be too judgemental, but in all of those cases, I am soley on the mans side 100%. IF he is angry, he has every da** right to be. I would raise the roof as well. 

Just as a wife has a right to expect more from a video playing game addict who cant get off his duff and get a job, even a lower paying job IS a Job, show some *responsibity*, some effort, this wins *respect*. 

And also I FEEL terribly for the wife who does her work at home diligently, lovingly in all of her preparing and keeping a beautiful home to have her husband come home and completley ignore her, not care to talk, say kind words to her, show a little affection, a few laughs. THIS would get old very quick, this would make her start to feel like a robot, just a means to an ends so be can live his life & have a maid at home, this also will never = a happy marraige. 

My husband NEVER dismisses what I do, never nit picks. He & the kids may joke about my food sometimes -I get busy doing something & have overcooked a meal or two, they like telling me it is cardboard. I do not get bend out of shape, it is not my highest calling -to be a master chef. I laugh with them while we choke it down, compare it to dog food, whatever. Sometimes they resort to cereal. When it is good, it is really good, then we have those times where Mom wasnt all that into cooking that day, but still our attitudes are LIGHT, we can still find the humor. 

And he never shuns me after work, I always ask about his day with a smile , we usually laugh about some crazy thing the boss did or another did to him, he literally has the boss from HELL, they need to do a reality sitcom on this man -I want to nominate him. My husband calms him like no other. I really think he is needed in his department, this guy has had to go to Anger management TWICE, and others there LIVE to pi** him off. The stories he comes home & tells me are SO OUTRAGEOUS, it is a constant ongoing soap opera. He has every living being in the entire town of this company against him & out of town. I get more laughs out of this than any comedy. Though the man causes ALOT grieve as well. On those days, I may have to do some consoling.


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