# My wife's emotional affair



## Jms427 (May 11, 2017)

After months of fearing and suspecting that my wife's friendship with another man got gotten too close, my wife admitted that she was having feelings for him, he had feelings for her, and she also thought about leaving me. We had a lengthy discussion and my wife ultimately decided that she would end the friendship and work on making us better. It hurt me deeply that she had what I considered to be an emotional affair with him and I had tried several times to stop the friendship because I knew it was affecting our marriage and I knew that it could lead to something very inappropriate. My wife always swore that it was completely platonic and if the guy tried to make it more, she would end it. But obviously she lied to me about that. When she initially told me that she had feelings for him, I thought it was confined to her head, but later she told me that she actually communicated these feelings to him. She also told me that it had only very recently turned from platonic to something more. But I doubted that so I had to snoop. My wife upgraded her iphone months ago and her old one was left in a drawer. I didn't know the password until she told me recently so I accessed the old phone and looked at the texts. There were hundreds of texts between them but they were mostly work related. So I took it a step further and used a program to recover deleted texts. I found about 100 deleted texts sent between November and January. Nothing was extremely inappropriate but it was clear that he had been very flirty with her and she never stopped it but also never replied in kind. Now my dilemma. I'm trying desperately to forgive and move on even though I'm in a lot of pain and my trust is broken...but I am very tempted to use the program on her current phone while she sleeps to see the recent texts. I want to know the whole story, I feel she may be holding back the full truth. And my mind really wants to know what was said even though it might hurt my heart. Am I crazy to snoop on her phone? Is it unhealthy for me and our reconciliation? Or would you want to know the details? I'm afraid of what I might find but I feel like I must know and have a right to know. I want my marriage to recover and last, but I also want to find out more about what was going on. Please give your opinion.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Hi JMS, sorry to find you here under these circumstances but you have picked a very supportive forum - I wouldn't be as far ahead in my recovery if it wasn't for the great members of TAM.

This other man (OM) how is he a friend? Through her work or in social circles? For your marriage to recover and survive, they MUST NOT contact / see each other ever again, else those feelings will return to her and he will take the opportunity to pursue her until he gets what he wants (sex) if he hasn't already...

Personally, I wouldn't snoop any more, you know this is an EA (emotional affair) at least, the rest might be too painful but if you do have fears of a PA (physical affair) it might be worth taking a closer look. However, if you have alerted her to you knowing / seeing these texts (?) then she will get better at hiding and deleting anyway.

Others will be along to give their advice, some of which will be quite frank and direct but listen with an open mind - we've all been through this, so know how best to react, even if it is painful to hear.

Chin up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She has broken your trust and has lost the privilege of privacy that is the bottom line.

You have every right to know exactly what is going on and to snoop in her phone.
If she is sincere she should give you full access to all social media accounts and technology. It must be a prerequisite for any reconciliation.
If your gut is telling you there may be more, find out now, you do not want to find out much later when you have committed to a R. There must be a full accounting before there is any R, otherwise it is just rug sweeping. Many here on TAM will tell you they rug swept and are still suffering the after effects.

Have you informed the OM's wife or GF about this EA, you should. Exposure is essential and will nip whatever in the bud. YOur wife will tell you a lot of things but you must remember it may not be the truth, assume everything she tells you is a lie or a filtered version of the truth, rely only on yourself for now.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It is very likely that she is withholding the full truth. That is the typical pattern. You need to brace yourself for the possibility that the affair became physical once she confessed her feelings for him. 

You'll find the opinion in here to be, generally, that once she betrayed your trust, you earned the right to snoop as much as you feel necessary. So often, even after promises of NC (no contact) are made, the affair continues. The two lovebirds only seem to find more secretive ways of communicating: new chat apps that don't appear on the phone bill, burner phones, secret email accounts, etc. You might consider putting a VAR (voice-activated recorder) in the car or other places where she uses the phone. There are even VARs disguised as pens that can be put into a purse. If she uses a computer, you might consider installing keylogger software or a USB device that captures keystrokes. A GPS device in the car can track the locations she is visiting (note that an unused mobile phone can be set up to perform the same function). Unfortunately, if they're working together it's hard to monitor the communication they're having over company email or landline phones. 

As aine mentioned, the best way to end it is to send a copy of the flirtatious texts to the guy's wife/girlfriend. If the guy is your wife's supervisor (as seems to be often the case in these work-based affairs), then HR can be given a copy of the texts. 

Good luck. Keep your eyes and ears open, and don't trust a word that she says.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If I'm a betting man, I feel that if you got into the inner workings of her cellphone, that those texts, along with the sheer number of unaccounted hours spent with "him" would provide some pretty hard evidence that would come to break your heart even more! 

She has already admitted her psychological unfaithfulness to you; what she has not yet admitted is her physiological unfaithfulness to you ~ something that her texts to/from him could well provide substantiating evidence of! She has already provided you with the equivalent of the legal axiom of "probable cause"; it is now paramount upon yourself to duly and privately investigate!

Her just saying that she is going to up and end it is awfully noble of her to say! But her actually doing it is completely another thing!

Best of luck to you, my friend! Welcome to TAM!
*


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

You unfortunately don't know what you've forgiven your wife of, OP. She's represented her involvement with this coworker as what you deem an emotional affair, but suppose it was more. Suppose it was physical. Would you have forgiven that?

You need to know as much as you can about the extent of your wife's inappropriate relationship, in order to make a decision about it, one that you can ideally live with.

A breach in trust earns your wife no rights to privacy with you; I would encourage you to look at her new phone and pursue the truth.

I suggest you see a counselor to work through the hurt associated with your wife's affair. Aside from independent counseling, you both should go to marriage counseling to discuss what caused your wife to fall for someone else, how that made you feel, and beyond cause and effect, how you two get back what you had, as a couple.

Hope this helps. Good luck!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's a co-worker?

She needs a new job ASAP.

For as long as they're working together, the affair is still on.

Also, given their frequent physical proximity to one another, the affair was almost certainly physical as well. Keep digging.

If this guy is married, expose the affair to his wife.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What steps is she taking to address this...

has to apologized to you, is there remorse, has she accepted 100% of the blame, is he married, why did she do this (attention?), if the roles were reversed what would she want from you, is there complete transparency?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Jms427 said:


> After months of fearing and suspecting that my wife's friendship with another man got gotten too close, my wife admitted that she was having feelings for him, he had feelings for her, and she also thought about leaving me. We had a lengthy discussion and my wife ultimately decided that she would end the friendship and work on making us better. It hurt me deeply that she had what I considered to be an emotional affair with him and I had tried several times to stop the friendship because I knew it was affecting our marriage and I knew that it could lead to something very inappropriate. My wife always swore that it was completely platonic and if the guy tried to make it more, she would end it. But obviously she lied to me about that. When she initially told me that she had feelings for him, I thought it was confined to her head, but later she told me that she actually communicated these feelings to him. She also told me that it had only very recently turned from platonic to something more. But I doubted that so I had to snoop. My wife upgraded her iphone months ago and her old one was left in a drawer. I didn't know the password until she told me recently so I accessed the old phone and looked at the texts. There were hundreds of texts between them but they were mostly work related. So I took it a step further and used a program to recover deleted texts. I found about 100 deleted texts sent between November and January. Nothing was extremely inappropriate but it was clear that he had been very flirty with her and she never stopped it but also never replied in kind. Now my dilemma. I'm trying desperately to forgive and move on even though I'm in a lot of pain and my trust is broken...but I am very tempted to use the program on her current phone while she sleeps to see the recent texts. I want to know the whole story, I feel she may be holding back the full truth. And my mind really wants to know what was said even though it might hurt my heart. Am I crazy to snoop on her phone? Is it unhealthy for me and our reconciliation? Or would you want to know the details? I'm afraid of what I might find but I feel like I must know and have a right to know. I want my marriage to recover and last, but I also want to find out more about what was going on. Please give your opinion.



You must go through her new phone. ASAP.
You cannot forgive what you don't know or understand completely.
Work affairs are the hardest to uncover. 
From my experience, which is vast over many years, brace yourself there is a very high probability they got physical.
You cannot reconcile without FULL disclosure. You don't not have it yet. 
Without FULL and complete disclosure from her of all acts you stand to be tormented from trickle truths from her for years to come.
She will forget over time what lies she has told you and then BOOM one line she never brought up before will pierce your soul.
You have every right to protect your marriage.....SNOOP SNOOP SNOOP!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Friend.

Your Wife was ready to leave you for another man. I think there is more and not "only" Emotional Affair. You dont leave your spouse just like that. 

They worked together for all day,talking about things,how to leave you behind and more. 

Your aproach is not good. You want to R with your Wife but you dont know half of the story. She keeps things away from you,lies you,still works with him,sees him every day... 

No Contact is must but if you want to make it happen your Wife need to change job. If she stays there you can bet she will continue Affair only now more careful. 

It is up to you from now on my Friend. You ask her questions she delivers. If not-then you know where you stand. 

Stay strong.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You've just discovered the tip of the iceberg, and you are already worried about forgiving her before you even know what the hell you are forgiving her for. If she works every day with this guy, you can take it to the bank with what you have already uncovered they have had sex because she does not need any hidden phone stuff to talk to him and arrange meet ups.

If you want to continue to play the "pick me "game and feel guilty about intruding on her "privacy", there is no advice that will help you.

If you want to find out the truth.

(1) put a damm VAR in her car. DO NOT ASK HER OR TELL HER YOU WANT TO . You will find out in real time what she is saying to him when she has no clue you are listening
(2) put a GPS tracker on the car. The phone is easy for her to disable./
(3) you better decide your course of action when you discover the truth because your story so far is not unique at all, and women who are at the point of "having feelings" for OM are checked out enough to have sex because that is the price of admission to keep OM on the hook.
(4) if you really want the truth you tell her she takes a polygraph because you do not believe a word she says. Her reaction to that will be wonders.

So far, she has offered you NOTHING to show she is truly wantin g to fix anything and you are accepting it and only focusing on how you can beg her and "nice" her back. That NEVER works.

IF YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF YOUR FOG AND DENIAL YOU ARE GOING TO GET MORE BLINDSIDED.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

She's lying. Definitely recover deleted texts on her new phone. Don't let her know. If you don't, it will eat you alive that you don't have the truth. 

Time to go under the radar and observe her. You'll bust her soon. 

Definitely expose to everyone. She needs to work somewhere else, immediately.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jms427 said:


> I'm trying desperately to forgive and move on even though I'm in a lot of pain and my trust is broken...but I am very tempted to use the program on her current phone while she sleeps to see the recent texts. I want to know the whole story, I feel she may be holding back the full truth.


I would absolutely, 100% run that program on her current phone. And do it quickly before too many are wiped for good.

Women don't generally consider leaving their husbands and breaking up their families just for 'work buddies' they go to lunch with or have grown fond of. But they will for men they have an emotional and physical attachment to.

I'd definitely run that software. You don't *nearly* have the whole truth yet. All you have are the texts back when the affair was beginning in January. A LOT can happen in 3+ months.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP, 

Although you don't have the smoking gun proving a PA (yet), circumstantially you should assume it is. Just too many indicators. 

- Men usually don't fool around with an EA for months without some pay off. 

- A women isn't likely to want to leave her husband for just an EA. 

- They've had ample time and opportunity to hook up.

- And of course the most obvious; the default for a cheater is to lie about what they think you don't know. 
But they will trickle truth to minimize as long as they can.

A VAR in her car might work, but they see each other at work every day, so less likely she'll slip up. If you have a way to get to her most recent texts, I think you'll find your proof.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

I had a similar situation, twice. Both times I confronted my wife too soon and without any real evidence of anything going on. I’ve gotten access to her phone as well and have gone through everything and haven’t found anything that points to anything other than just texting. But my confronting her and basically accusing her of her wrong doing as caused her to withdraw and disconnect. Granted things have improved over the last month or so but there is still that question of “what if”, and that question can cause you a lot of unneeded stress.

My advice to you is leave it alone. Keep your eyes open and radar scanning, if something happens that truly is questionable definitely look into it, but don’t let her know you are. If you find something, DO NOT confront her right away, hold off and keep looking. If something really is going on make sure you have indisputable evidence of an affair that you can show her, not just tell her, otherwise she is just going to take things further underground and harder for you to find.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Search her phone with your deleted text program and see what's going on. If it's a work affair, she needs to switch jobs. People don't go cold turkey with someone they've considered leaving their husband for. It just doesn't work that way.

Is it likely they've had sex? Yes
Is it possible they haven't? Yes

Do you need to know if they have? I would.

Are you prepared to divorce her if she has had an affair? Well she already has, admittedly. And an emotional affair is just as deadly to a relationship as a physical one. Believe it. It's true. 

Gaining information is NEVER a bad move. NOT getting it is always bad.

No guilt. Your wife had betrayed you with another man. You have every right to find out about all her lies. Do it, do it now.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Jms427

First, 180 hard it's posted here on this website. Second, Gus is correct, it's physical and she is trickle try thing you. So what do you do? Get her new phone and scan it, get all OM's personal info, also make a copy of what you find. Next make ten copies of what you find and hide them. If he's married, prepare copies for OMW. If it's a coworker, she quits today, affair is still going on. Schedule a polygraph, do not tell her, but find an expierienced examiner. Take a day off work, show up at her work and ask to take her to lunch, then loudly say why don't we invite your boyfriend too. Ask where he is, tell her to take you to him, you want to meet her next husband. Obviously she will not do this, but then throw down a copy of the texts, this way she can't say you are some crazy jealous husband. Then walk out. 

Go home, leave a note and say you are going away for two days. This way you're not abandoning your home. Leave and do not accept any communication from her, let her panic. In the meantime take a copy to her parents and yours. They will contact her and she will get a **** storm of reality served to her. Stay dark.

On the third day return home, move all her **** to a different room. Then go see a lawyer and have him file for divorce. Have her served at work if she is still employed. Protect your assets and begin financial separation. Cancel any joint credit cards, bank accounts, and take half to start your own in your name only. 

You have to be decisive, cold, calculated, and firm. You can stop a divorce if you want to, you also have to be prepared to lose your marriage if you choose to save it. My wife had a work place affair, and right now you are several steps behind. You need to shock your wife into freezing so you can gain those steps back and then move a step ahead. 

For the polygraph, you will most likely get a parking lot confession. She will probably refuse to take it also. That's ok, it just shows you that it was physical and she would rather protect OM then you. This will tell you everything you need to know.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my Friend.
> 
> Your Wife was ready to leave you for another man. I think there is more and not "only" Emotional Affair. You dont leave your spouse just like that.


Concur.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Search her phone tonight. There is no privacy in a marriage when there is infidelity - emotional affairs or physical. You absolutely have a right to know who you are married to. She has already lied by deleting texts. You have a right to know the truth.


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Keep snooping. You have the tip of the ice berg. I'm so sorry to hear of yet someone else going through this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AtMyEnd said:


> I had a similar situation, twice. Both times I confronted my wife too soon and without any real evidence of anything going on. I’ve gotten access to her phone as well and have gone through everything and haven’t found anything that points to anything other than just texting. But my confronting her and basically accusing her of her wrong doing as caused her to withdraw and disconnect. Granted things have improved over the last month or so but there is still that question of “what if”, and that question can cause you a lot of unneeded stress.
> 
> My advice to you is leave it alone. Keep your eyes open and radar scanning, if something happens that truly is questionable definitely look into it, but don’t let her know you are. If you find something, DO NOT confront her right away, hold off and keep looking. If something really is going on make sure you have indisputable evidence of an affair that you can show her, not just tell her, otherwise she is just going to take things further underground and harder for you to find.


All of this is Step #2.

Step #1 is she gets a new job.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

A major study showed that most cheating goes completely undetected by their spouse, and that in only 3% of the cases does the spouse catch the cheater cheating. This study also showed that even with evidence, only 7% of cheaters admitted to cheating, and this includes the 3% caught by the spouse. The bottom line is that you already know more than most cheated on spouses will ever know, and that it is extremely unlikely that she will ever admit to having sex with her affair partner on her own. Please remember that while she was secretly at the very least having an emotional affair (EA) with her affair partner, she got experienced in lying to your face without remorse about her relationship with this other man (OM). Since she is now a confirmed liar and a cheat, you cannot take her word for anything. Stop thinking about her as still being that honest and loyal to you person that you married, that person is gone. She killed that person off in order to cheat with the OM. 

No matter how much she tries to blame shift responsibility for her cheating on you, you did nothing to deserve being cheated on. You are both 50%-50% responsible for the state of the marriage, but the cheater is always 100% responsible for their cheating. No marriage issues have ever been fixed by secretly cheating behind a spouses back. If she had issues with you, she should have tried to work it out with you, or divorced you, before secretly starting a new relationship with another man. I am sorry that you are here.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would definitely want proof somehow that the affair didn't go physical. If she's holding back the recent information from her phone I would be worried that's what I wouldn't find if she let me view that information. A marriage has to be based on trust and if she is going to withhold this information from you, you have reason not to trust her. 

She's the one who had the affair, she should be the one who has the burden of proof to show that it was only what she said and nothing more. Don't sneak around to get the information, if she doesn't give it to you I would think about divorce. You might want to put a VAR in her car to assure that nothing else is going on. 

She also doesn't seem to be very remorseful and willing to give full disclosure. Things are not in a good in good place to start reconciliation with her.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Jms427 said:


> She also told me that it had only very recently turned from platonic to something more. But I doubted that so I had to snoop. My wife upgraded her iphone months ago and her old one was left in a drawer. I didn't know the password until she told me recently so I accessed the old phone and looked at the texts. There were hundreds of texts between them but they were mostly work related. So I took it a step further and used a program to recover deleted texts. I found about 100 deleted texts sent between November and January.


 Although she claims that "it only very recently turned from platonic to something more", you have proof that starting at least as far back as November she deleted about 100 personal text messages with the other man (OM), while keeping "hundreds of texts between them" that were work related. This shows that she felt the need to actively hide from you the true nature of her relationship with the OM way father back than what she is now admitting, and that as of today she is still lying to you about her relationship with the OM. This is solid proof to you that she is not willing to be truthful with you, and that there is more to know than she is willing to tell you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He needs information to make a decision based on facts. 
He NEEDS to KNOW she physically cheated.
He NEEDS to know if the relationship is TRULY over.

OP can learn both of these things by doing his deleted texts thing. He can find out the truth about his wife's feelings for him.

She is a confirmed liar and cannot be trusted. This affair has been going on since January? LOL, he's not going to be very pleased by what he finds, but will definitely be able to make an informed decision. 

THIS DOES NOT LOOK like an EMOTIONal affair to me. It looks like a slow-burning affair that's been brewing since January. Who knows how far the fire has burned? Find out!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If you believe that there are no secrets in marriage, then it shouldn't be burdensome on your conscience to run the software on her phone.
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> I had a similar situation, twice. Both times... I’ve gotten access to her phone... and have gone through everything and haven’t found anything that points to anything other than just texting. But my confronting her and basically accusing her of her wrong doing as caused her to withdraw and disconnect. My advice to you is leave it alone.


In my opinion, leaving stones unturned is more harmful than good for OP. If he feels inclined to investigate further into the extent of his wife's affair, he is clearly bothered by this and he will continue to be bothered, until taking action. But to your point, there is potential for harm to his relationship here, so OP should tread carefully.

OP might consider the following, as he goes forward:
1. Forgive your wife of what you've known she's done, conditional on marriage counseling and signs of her remorse (the latter is questionable, as of now).
2. Formulate an action plan, should you find evidence of a physical affair, and should you find nothing. This should be either remediation, preparation to divorce, etc.
3. Monitor your wife's behavior; don't let her know you are monitoring. Investigate your wife's past, via the phone and anything else. Again, don't let her know.
4. Assume innocence until proven guilty. Don't treat your wife like she's had a physical affair; that is probable though not certain, and presuming her guilty will lead to badness.
5. Conclude your search at some point, and follow through with the appropriate action, per 2.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Go get tested for stds.

Then you tell her that you did the testing.

It is your health.

Hope you go see an attorney and get D papers. Then leave a copy where she will find them.

Hope she has helped you call his wife to tell her.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

_anonymous_ said:


> In my opinion, leaving stones unturned is more harmful than good for OP. If he feels inclined to investigate further into the extent of his wife's affair, he is clearly bothered by this and he will continue to be bothered, until taking action. But to your point, there is potential for harm to his relationship here, so OP should tread carefully.
> 
> OP might consider the following, as he goes forward:
> 1. Forgive your wife of what you've known she's done, conditional on marriage counseling and signs of her remorse (the latter is questionable, as of now).
> ...


I agree, my main point is really for his own sanity. Yes his wife admitted what she admitted to him. He's done some investigating and really hasn't found anything that says for sure if things ever became physical. So really there isn't much point in continuing his investigation unless something new happens that is questionable about the situation. There's only so much you can look into things, if you still can't find the answer you're looking for, that answer might not actually exist.

I did something similar. I found texts on my wife's phone and no matter how much I investigated, how many times I went through her phone, email, texts, messaging apps and everything else, I was never able to find anything that showed a sign of things becoming physical, but I kept looking. I almost became obsessed with and I couldn’t stop looking and thinking about it, it was literally driving me insane and making problems worse. She knew I was watching every little move she made, started accusing me of monitoring and spying on her, and all it did was make her withdraw from me more.

So I do agree that he should look through the phone one more time to see if he finds something he missed but that’s it. If he doesn’t find what he’s looking for chances are it doesn’t exist. And if it does exist and she was just really could at hiding things, by her seeing that he’s letting up and not always watching her because of this, she’ll slowly start to be less careful about how much she hides things and eventually she will slip up. If he backs off and let’s her think everything is ok and he’s gotten over it she will become less careful about things and it will eventually come out, it always does.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

AtMyEnd said:


> I agree, my main point is really for his own sanity. Yes his wife admitted what she admitted to him. He's done some investigating and really hasn't found anything that says for sure if things ever became physical. So really there isn't much point in continuing his investigation unless something new happens that is questionable about the situation. There's only so much you can look into things, if you still can't find the answer you're looking for, that answer might not actually exist.
> 
> I did something similar. I found texts on my wife's phone and no matter how much I investigated, how many times I went through her phone, email, texts, messaging apps and everything else, I was never able to find anything that showed a sign of things becoming physical, but I kept looking. I almost became obsessed with and I couldn’t stop looking and thinking about it, it was literally driving me insane and making problems worse. She knew I was watching every little move she made, started accusing me of monitoring and spying on her, and all it did was make her withdraw from me more.
> 
> So I do agree that he should look through the phone one more time to see if he finds something he missed but that’s it. If he doesn’t find what he’s looking for chances are it doesn’t exist. And if it does exist and she was just really could at hiding things, by her seeing that he’s letting up and not always watching her because of this, she’ll slowly start to be less careful about how much she hides things and eventually she will slip up. If he backs off and let’s her think everything is ok and he’s gotten over it she will become less careful about things and it will eventually come out, it always does.


I guess one could argue there's no point in investigating further, but there's going to be the notion in the middle of the night that she did cheat, physically that you would never be free from. For me to go on with the reconciliation, I would have to know one way or the other. Her just telling me what happened wouldn't be good enough. She established herself as a lier and is going to have to prove she can be trusted.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Since you have OM's information, call from your wife's phone at night. If your wife truly wants to work on the marriage she won't have any issues with this. Also, as you call and it's ringing, ask if OM is married. This should get your wife nervous, but again, if she wants to work on the marriage she'll be ok with it. While talking to OM, tell him you are going to send one of the packets of their texts to the human resources department of their company. If they work for different companies but do business together, tell him you will still send them the info. 

Your marriage is in a war, best you respond to this invasion harshly. Let OM know you will put this on social media, send a copy of the texts to his parents, OMW's parents, his church, hell, tell him you will put it on a billboard!! But whatever you do you crush his throat with exposure if need be. The packets I mention here are the copies of the texts I said to copy in my other post. 

Now before anyone says OM owes you nothing, that's bull. Just because your wife accepted the advances doesn't mean you do.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> I guess one could argue there's no point in investigating further, but there's going to be the notion in the middle of the night that she did cheat, physically that you would never be free from. For me to go on with the reconciliation, I would have to know one way or the other. Her just telling me what happened wouldn't be good enough. She established herself as a lier and is going to have to prove she can be trusted.


I know and I do agree, I didn't take my wife at her word either. I went crazy months looking into every little thing I could think of, gps on her car, VAR's all of the place, getting into her phone without her knowing, hacking into her computer, everything. And all I found was more things that pointed to it being nothing more than texts and nothing that suggested anything ever became physical. And yes the thoughts of "what if" still pop into my head at all random times and I start to think about everything again, but even when that happens and I look at her phone again just to see what's going on I still don't find anything. So really, unless something else happens or comes up about it, how much searching can you really do finding nothing before you tell yourself enough is enough.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

If they were in any close physical presence together then is almost guaranteed a PA. They will get it on anywhere, office, parking lot, who cares, they find a way always. I dont believe a wife will develop enough emotional strenght to tell her husband she wants to leave him, unless the sexual intimacy to OM has shut out her respect for him.

Do all the snooping you want, is warranted and also go pick a lawyer, know your rights and liability and draw up divorce paper to have her served soon.......this may sound drastic to you, but this affair fog she is under is like a cancer, you need to prepare to go nuclear to kill it, please dont think you will nice her back....oh, and she signs up for immediate therapy no questions asked, but snoop first all you can....

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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Deffinerly check everything you possibly can until you are satisfied. Having these thoughts of not knowing will hinder you marriage's recovery plus you won't ever move past it causing more issues in the future. 

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He has the means to discover the extent of his wife's affair and we're arguing whether he should or not?

Seems simple to me. Find deleted texts on her new phone. Based on all info possible, attempt to reconcile or complete a divorce.


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

Having been through an eerily similar situation (difference being my wife never told me she had considered leaving) I would say get ALL the info you can. 

There are already people on here saying to go for divorce but it is far to premature for that. Get the info without telling your wife and then decide how to act.

There is a good chance that nothing physical did happen, that your wife got wrapped in the emotions of it all and when it got to close that's why it all came out. Equally, there is a good chance that it did go from EA to PA and that's what you need to find out.

Keep what you know to yourself just in case anything is still going on as it will push it underground and make it much harder to get info.

It hurts like a ***** but get the truth.

Good luck my friend.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Cheaters lie. And they trickle-truth. 

I didn't get the complete truth when I decided to R and several decades later I paid the price for that. Believe me, you don't want that life. Find out everything you possibly can.


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## TheRealMcCoy (Apr 13, 2017)

The "SHE'S CHEATING" crowd smells blood.

She doesn't love you. She told you so. She said she was going to try to make "us" better. Has she? I didn't think so.

Go ahead and go all cowboy on her. It won't help, but I'll admit I'm very much in the minority on that opinion here. And YOU chose this website. Presumably after reading it for a while. You know what they like, so go ahead. Go all James Bond for a while. 

Weeks, months, years of hard-ass CIA isn't going to bring that love back. And I don't see what it will do to help. If she's "guilty", it proves she's gone. If she's "innocent", this isn't going to help.

Anyone with kids in this situation would have mentioned it, so I'll presume there are none. That's good. Just learn from her on your way out the door. Yes, you are "right". She's a "cheater". But listen to her when she tells you why she looked elsewhere. Why she lost the love. LEARN from this. Make yourself a better man. Start over.


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