# Expectations in marriage



## LGZ (Nov 9, 2015)

Hi Guys ,I've only been living with my wife for about a year now,and have been expecting her to act or do things a certain way based on what I see happening around me,from colleagues and friends.My friends always bring lunch to work that has been made by their wives,this didn't bother me before,but because this is what I see happening around me very often ,ive come to think that this is normal and every husband out there has their wife making them lunch.if my wife does not do this for me does it raise a red flag,does it mean she doesn't love me? Is it fair for me to expect her to cook and make me lunch solely based on my peers marriages.Sometimes they would talk about what their wives packed in their lunches and on a day when I do have lunch il lie and say she packed whatever I have on that day because I feel left out and sometimes because i have to go buy lunch I feel even worse.I really want to hear this isnt a big deal,because I dont want to talk my wife about this :FIREdevil: if it really isnt.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If it bothers you, then ask your wife if she will make your lunch. I have never made my husband his lunch and that doesn't mean I don't love him. I have offered to make his lunch and would be happy to even if means me getting up earlier but he usually just snacks at work.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

How old are you?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can make your own lunch. Besides, other people's circumstances may be different, and they may have different agreements and expectations. Or, their wives may make them lunch, but don't show love in other ways. Comparison is always a losing proposition - make what you have work for your own specific circumstances and personalities.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is easy: Don't compare yourself (or your marriage) to other people (or their marriages).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
In a good marriage chores will be shared, and each will do what they can to make the other happy.

My wife cooks because she is a much better cook - so I clean up and do the food shopping.

I do the bills, she does the taxes. We each do our own laundry. She makes lunches for herself, I generally eat out for lunch. We both work full time jobs. I fix the computers, she arranges for plumbers etc. 


OP: Is there any particular reason you want her to make your lunch?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Make your own lunch. Problem solved. Please do not be afraid of communicating with your wife. This is a road to major problems.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

1.) Your situation/marriage/relationship is yours and mine is mine. You ever heard the disclaimer that 'your personal experience with the above listed activity may vary from the depiction in the ad'?

2.) Does it bother you? Do you want her to fix your lunch? If so, have you asked her if she'd be willing to?


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## LGZ (Nov 9, 2015)

I guess all of this was based on the assumption that it is a norm since everyone in my new surroundings is in that "ideal" situation,ive never been in a relationship before and am very casual and oblivious to most things that happen in my marriage.I love my wife very much and perhaps its sudden insecurities that lead me to needing reassurance that she loves me too.I end up looking for reassurance in the most meaningless of gestures.Thanks guys.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

How hard is it to make a sandwich? I was married twice and I made my own lunches. I knew what I wanted and that's what I brought with me. Be damned if I'm jonesing for a PBJ and she packs a sardine sandwich for me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I can sort of relate to how you feel, as Thanksgiving is a similar thing for me. We get together with my wifes family, and traditionally, all the men sit and watch football while the women cook. Once dinner is ready, the women fix plates for their men and bring them to them. Except for my wife. I'm the literal odd man out on this one. She did it for her ex husband and the guy she was with between her ex and me. We have talked about it in the past, and she has no real explanation as to why. It's really an odd feeling for me because I am not usually one to care what others have, or what others think.

In the end, I know my wife loves me and that this is not a reflection on that, so I have learned to just look past it.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

You see the problem with trying to apply a "norm" to an individual? It's a statistical concept meant to apply to groups. How boring and weird would it be if everyone was a "norm" in all ways? It would be like a society of robots. Creepy. 


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

And...maybe the other guys are doing 10 other things for their wives that you don't do for yours. Impossible to make a direct comparison.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Get take out for lunch, problem solved ...

My wife never makes me lunch, and rarely makes me dinner. Do I care. not in the least. If she wants to, great, but it is in no way her job requirement.

Curious, what else are you expecting in your marriage that you are not getting?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sam, take it as a blessing. This way you can put exactly what you want on your plate and stretch your legs at the same time. Your wife is doing you a favor.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> if my wife does not do this for me does it raise a red flag,does it mean she doesn't love me?


No, lunch making is not a barometer for love. 



> perhaps its sudden insecurities that lead me to needing reassurance that she loves me too.I end up looking for reassurance in the most meaningless of gestures.Thanks guys.


What's going on between you that you are suddenly insecure and are seeking validation in meaningless gestures?

Try reading "The Five Love Languages" with your wife and learn how she is actually showing love.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Sam, take it as a blessing. This way you can put exactly what you want on your plate and *stretch your legs at the same time.* Your wife is doing you a favor.


See that may be part of the problem...I am usually doing all those wifey things...while the other guys are sitting watching football, I am doing a lot of the cooking because I am a good cook, and the things I make are quite popular.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Unmet expectations are the death of a relationship. You should discuss these things with your wife and work out your own solutions based on your situation. As others have said don't compare your self, your wife or your marriage to others. Live your life for you. For all you know your wife may not have the same expectation.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Every couple's marriage is unique, and what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. And people show love in a variety of ways--that's what the Five Love Languages book is all about.

Would her making your lunch make you feel loved? Are you not getting your love needs met?

And you never really know if the other guys' wives are packing lunches out of love. Maybe they're flat broke and that guy can't afford to buy lunch. Or maybe that other guy's wife hates him and is slowly poisoning him every day by lacing his pudding with arsenic.

Extreme example? Yes. But the point is this: don't play keeping up with the Joneses by comparing your marriage to others' relationships, relationships about which you know literally NOTHING. Make your own marriage, and the only comparison you should be making is asking yourself, am I a better husband than I was yesterday? Do we have a stronger marriage than the day before? Your goal should be to have the best marriage that works for the two of YOU. What other people have doesn't matter. It's irrelevant.

And for goodness sakes, if you want to have a packed lunch every day, you have several options. You can pack it yourself. Or whoever cooks dinner (you, or you can ask your wife if she cooks) can make extras for leftovers, and you can pack your lunch with leftovers when cleaning up after dinner. Does your wife work, and does she pack her own lunch (or want to)? You can make it a couple activity, where on Sunday afternoon, you pack/prepare both of your lunches for the week. BOOM! Quality time AND lunch for everyone! Or you can take a cooking class together and practice your skills by taking turns preparing lunches for both of you.

The possibilities are endless.

But seriously, you need to think about WHY you're asking this question. Are you not feeling loved, or are you coming down from the honeymoon high? Do the two of you speak different love languages? What's going on that would prompt this to bother you so?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

LGZ- your wife also works, that changes a lot. I wouldn't ask her to make your lunch, not unless you can propose some kind of situation where some days you pack yours and hers and some days she packs hers and yours.

I also wouldn't bother lying to your co-worker about your wife packing your lunch. If they ask just say you packed your own, it's not something to be embarrassed by.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If your wife works similar hours as you do.. or has a tight schedule.. it may not have occurred to her to do this... she may feel swamped , or maybe she packs for the kids (if you have them) and thinks you can handle yourself.. maybe she doesn't mind if you eat out even... if money is not an issue.. 

In our house...I have always packed my husband's lunch.. I get up every morning the same time he does... but I work only a handful of hours a week.. and frankly ...I like to save money!! If he ate out every day.. we'd both feel this a waste that could be spent wiser......plus I want him to eat healthy.. so I do this.. .. that's what I EXPECT of myself.. 

It can get "a little touchy" when a man expects something she may not expect of herself, depending on how you bring that across.... but I don't think you should be "afraid" to speak on this, making mention of it...it doesn't mean you are stating she needs to do this.. I would hope you & her open many subjects and talk openly.. it may lead her to consider it once in a while.. who knows.. 

I wouldn't take it personally.. if you feel loved in other ways...in the ways she is more apt to show it... does she show "desire" for you...cuddle up with you, want to spend time with you, speak words of affirmation.. 

Packing a lunch is more an "acts of service" sort of gesture..


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> See that may be part of the problem...I am usually doing all those wifey things...while the other guys are sitting watching football, I am doing a lot of the cooking because I am a good cook, and the things I make are quite popular.


I can guarantee you that the other wives are all shades of green with envy. Your wife is a lucky lady.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> samyeagar said:
> 
> 
> > See that may be part of the problem...I am usually doing all those wifey things...while the other guys are sitting watching football, I am doing a lot of the cooking because I am a good cook, and the things I make are quite popular.
> ...


I agree. Do y'all remember that movie, _He's Just Not That Into You_? @samyeagar's post reminds me of Beth and Neil's storyline:

_(borrowed from Wikipedia with slight edits)
_


> Beth Murphy (Jennifer Aniston), is living with her boyfriend, Neil (Ben Affleck). After seven years of dating, Beth wants to get married, but Neil does not believe in marriage. Beth's friend announces she will no longer misinterpret vague gestures from men as more than they really are. This spurs Beth to confront Neil about their relationship. When he still doesn't want to get married, she breaks up with him.
> 
> Later, the preparations for her younger sister's wedding brings the issue into sharper focus for Beth after hearing many back-handed comments from various family members. During the reception, her father Rod (Kris Kristofferson) suffers a heart attack. Beth looks after him as he recuperates while her sisters wallow, and their husbands remain glued to the television playing video games and watching football with constant takeout as the household falls into chaos. As Beth reaches the end of her patience looking after her siblings and in-laws as well as her recovering father, Neil arrives with groceries and helps with the chores. The two reconcile, with Beth saying that Neil is more of a husband to her than her sisters' spouses are to them, and she will not insist they be married. Neil later proposes to her, and they marry in an intimate ceremony aboard his sailboat.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

LGZ said:


> I guess all of this was based on the assumption that it is a norm since *everyone in my new surroundings is in that "ideal" situation*,ive never been in a relationship before and am very casual and oblivious to most things that happen in my marriage.I love my wife very much and perhaps its sudden insecurities that lead me to needing reassurance that she loves me too.I end up looking for reassurance in the most meaningless of gestures.Thanks guys.


Two things jump out at me here. What do you mean by "new surroundings"? The marriage? Or the workplace? 

I'm troubled by your use of the term "ideal," even if you DO have it in quotation marks. Do you fear, from your insecurity, that if your marriage isn't ideal it will crumble? No marriage is ideal or perfect, as I'm sure you know. 

So, how do you show your love for your wife? Do you do it by doing things for her? And if so, is it possible that if you do things for your wife to show love, like make her breakfast or occasionally cook dinner, are you investing that kind of thing with a lot of meaning, and therefore think that her preparing your lunch shows you love? As others have mentioned, the book The Five Love Languages might help you here. 

You're a newlywed, and you may suspect that the honeymoon period wanes; it does, but that doesn't mean that love and affection disappear. 

Again, I'm intrigued by the use of the word "ideal." What does your wife making lunch for you represent about an "ideal" situation?


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