# Wife Sent Naked Pics Via Email



## nivek25 (Mar 31, 2016)

I've been a longtime lurker on this forum and have learned a great deal about marriage, but unfortunately I now have a reason to post in this section for some input.

I'm in the military and was away for training for the past two months. Upon my return, I discovered my wife posted an ad on Craigslist searching for a female to talk to because she has bisexual tendencies (this I can live with and is something we have already addressed in the past). However, what crossed the line was that she did it behind my back and didn't think to talk to me about it or even let me know she did it. She also swore she didn't follow through with any of the replies she got.

After this incident, I went through her sent email (yes, i realize a huge violation of trust and privacy) and discovered she had sent naked photos to a man she met on Xbox Live and also received photos from the same individual. When I confronted her about it, she broke down and said she was lonely and drunk at the time of the emails. 

I love my wife incredibly much and I have a tendency to forgive than to get angry and hold a grudge. While we did talk about it and accepted that she screwed up and that I forgave her, I am left with the feeling that she will do this again at some point in the future and that this may be the prelude to something more serious. She has never given me reason to believe she would ever cheat on me prior to this incident.

Some background about us: I'm 22, she's 29, we have been married for nearly three years, have an amazing two year old son, and have had a history of communication issues between us throughout the past. Our marriage has never been what I would call "rock solid" but I never suspected it would lead to what happened while I was away. We love each other and are both working towards a more stable marriage.

I feel responsible for what she did because of the aforementioned problems we've had as a couple, but I also feel betrayed, unwanted, and extremely hurt.

I guess the only input I'm looking for here is - where do we go from here? Divorce is not an option.

Thx.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

First of all, it isn't a violation of "trust" to check email when you suspect the worst. By nipping it in the bud now, you may have just saved yourself a whole lotta hurt later on.

Both of you should read The 5 love languages and take quiz and discuss results.

YOU need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. If you rugsweep your feelings, they will fester & someday blow up much bigger.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

First of all, DNA test for your child. why? To prove paternity? No. To prove to your wife how badly she has messed your marriage up.

I would recommend counselling, both as a couple and perhaps individually.

And why is divorce not an option?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

nivek25 said:


> Divorce is not an option.


Then you've already lost.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yeah you need to stop making her take pictures of herself naked and sending them out to people. This is all your fault why would you do that?

Also stop invading her privacy to cheat.

You really need to trust and obey anything she does.


This is how I read your post. Do you see how ridiculous it sounds??????
This 100% on her. And you do nothing but make excuses so you can be her doormat.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She has no problems if you have an A? 

Did you discuss this?


----------



## nivek25 (Mar 31, 2016)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> First of all, it isn't a violation of "trust" to check email when you suspect the worst. By nipping it in the bud now, you may have just saved yourself a whole lotta hurt later on.
> 
> Both of you should read The 5 love languages and take quiz and discuss results.
> 
> YOU need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. If you rugsweep your feelings, they will fester & someday blow up much bigger.


I am going to look into several books. Thanks for the input. 



MattMatt said:


> First of all, DNA test for your child. why? To prove paternity? No. To prove to your wife how badly she has messed your marriage up.
> 
> I would recommend counselling, both as a couple and perhaps individually.
> 
> And why is divorce not an option?


I don't think I could seriously go through with DNA testing but i understand what you're getting at. I am going to discuss counseling with her tonight. 

Divorce is not an option because I love my wife too much to let an isolated incident like this ruin our marriage and family, plain and simple. I am willing to move forward. Call me what you will. 


Marc878 said:


> Yeah you need to stop making her take pictures of herself naked and sending them out to people. This is all your fault why would you do that?
> 
> Also stop invading her privacy to cheat.
> 
> ...


I know how the post sounds, but I'm trying to look at the situation from an objective point of view rather than blow everything up and be destructive. Right/wrong in the eye of the beholder. 


harrybrown said:


> She has no problems if you have an A?
> 
> Did you discuss this?


Can you elaborate on this please? 

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@nivek25 first bullshyt. 

Privacy in marriage is not more then closing the bathroom door to shyt. A marriage without transparency works as well and makes no more sense then a sexless marriage. 

Start with this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Read this thread on DARVO (deny attack reverse victim and offender What is DARVO?. The only response to "you invade my privacy and trust" is laugh in their face and say Really? You are going with that. 

Get ready to drop the mike 


Dropping the mike


Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"

Hat tip to ???

Normally a NC from her is a must, but in this case you need to send a note to posm. State: really you think your pixs are impressive? Do you really think sending dck pixs to a married women is no big deal? Move on there is nothing here for you except trouble. PS I have saved your pixs and contact info. Thimking of sending to friends for a laugh. 

A couple of your friends sending him notes stating "showed your pixs to wife, thanks for the laugh" will rock his world.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I had a pal do this. Posm dropped account and disappeared pretty quickly. I did send him the wife thanks you for the laugh line. Still cracks me up.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@nivek25 I'd call you in love. That's what I'd call you.

However, you are hamstrung by this love.

I hope your wife can learn to better herself.

Maybe she needs to cut down on the booze?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Then you've already lost.


Gus is right. Without consequences she will repeat this behavior. She now will be better at hiding it. She will wait a while, maybe six months maybe two years. When she thinks you are not actively watching it will happen. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. 

What do you mean...its ok if she has a Lesbian relationship. Men do not share their wife with anyone. You voluntarily opened her boundaries. 

You are at a distinct disadvantage. You cannot be with her most of the time and monitor her behavior like the civilian populace can.

What happens when you get deployed again? Who is going to babysit her. She is to old to be acting immature like this.

The military is extremely hard on marriages. Only the most principled people can manage the long periods of being apart.

She has now demonstrated that she is not one of them.

Sorry.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

nivek25 said:


> I don't think I could seriously go through with DNA testing but i understand what you're getting at. I am going to discuss counseling with her tonight.
> 
> Divorce is not an option because I love my wife too much to let an isolated incident like this ruin our marriage and family, plain and simple. I am willing to move forward. Call me what you will.
> 
> ...


Nivek, I'm sure you're trying to look at this objectively, but in reality, that's pretty impossible when you're in the thick of it. The DNA testing is a useful tool for 2 reasons: A) to verify she didn't cuckold you and B) show her how upset you are. She needs to see that you're not just going to shut up and sit around and take this. 

Don't take divorce off the table (at least not openly with your W). If you do, you've given up the only thing you really have to keep her from pulling this again. Counseling is something I'd hold off on discussing right away. Give her some quiet time. Let her know how bad she's screwed up. Then, after a few days tell her you want to *try* to work things out, but you *don't know if you can*.

Are you sure it was just an email--and even if it was, how did they email each other? Did XBOX Live change since I last used it a few years ago? I don't remember that being readily available. 

Are you sure that this was the only guy? What made her think that this was acceptable behavior?


----------



## nivek25 (Mar 31, 2016)

Thanks to everyone for the replies thus far. They have helped immensely. 



MattMatt said:


> @nivek25 I'd call you in love. That's what I'd call you.
> 
> However, you are hamstrung by this love.
> 
> ...


Perhaps. 

On the drinking - She really isn't a drinker. She drinks maybe once every month, and only some really cheap wine. More so when I'm gone, yes, but again I wouldn't say alcohol is the issue.



SunCMars said:


> Gus is right. Without consequences she will repeat this behavior. She now will be better at hiding it. She will wait a while, maybe six months maybe two years. When she thinks you are not actively watching it will happen. Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder.
> 
> What do you mean...its ok if she has a Lesbian relationship. Men do not share their wife with anyone. You voluntarily opened her boundaries.
> 
> ...


I completely hear where you're coming from, and I've thought much of the same today. I'm working on the whole consequences thing. It's hard for me to think straight right now. 

As far as the bisexuality, maybe I typed that wrong - she has expressed that having a one night stand with a woman is a fantasy of hers and that she has had physical attractions to women in her past. We never agreed to any extramarital affairs similarly to what I've described in any capacity.



Kivlor said:


> Nivek, I'm sure you're trying to look at this objectively, but in reality, that's pretty impossible when you're in the thick of it. The DNA testing is a useful tool for 2 reasons: A) to verify she didn't cuckold you and B) show her how upset you are. She needs to see that you're not just going to shut up and sit around and take this.
> 
> Don't take divorce off the table (at least not openly with your W). If you do, you've given up the only thing you really have to keep her from pulling this again. Counseling is something I'd hold off on discussing right away. Give her some quiet time. Let her know how bad she's screwed up. Then, after a few days tell her you want to *try* to work things out, but you *don't know if you can*.
> 
> ...


I don't really know the full details of the Xbox thing. Apparently she got it from the guy while she was playing with him I guess. I'm 99% sure it was just an email because she is incredibly sloppy with trying to cover anything up, and there's really no evidence to support she did anything else. Am I ruling it out - no. But I highly doubt it went beyond an email. 

I don't have any basis to support her reasoning beyond there was alcohol involved and she was lonely. She has depressive tendencies and suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, but I am in no way trying to justify her behavior with that. 

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

nivek25 said:


> I'm in the military and was away for training for the past two months. Upon my return, I discovered my wife posted an ad on Craigslist searching for a female to talk to because she has bisexual tendencies (this I can live with and is something we have already addressed in the past). However, what crossed the line was that she did it behind my back and didn't think to talk to me about it or even let me know she did it. She also swore she didn't follow through with any of the replies she got.
> 
> 
> I feel responsible for what she did because of the aforementioned problems we've had as a couple, but I also feel betrayed, unwanted, and extremely hurt.


 First of all. Just because she bi doesn't give her a gold card to go look for sexual satisfaction from another person. That's a half ass excuse. It like you cheating on with the lady next door because she has bigger boobs and your a boob man. It doesn't wash, When she told you she was bi, then you should have discussed it with her an let her know that it didn't giver the right to stray...................Your fault.

When it comes to taking responsibility, then it's on her. She's the one that crossed the line. She's the one that lied. She's the one that created the mess so SHES RESPONSIBLE. Continue like your doing and it will be your fault and she'll make sure that you take full blame for it.

Time for you to wise up and take a stand with your wife and let her know that if she's married to you, then no more of her and her self proclaimed privilege of being bi and the need to be with someone else because of it and make sure she's the one that takes responsibility for her actions. If not then you lose ans your doing a good job of losing right now.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

At the tender age of 22 and her 29 she has it all over you and its showing. 

She will do this again becuase at present you have rugswept her foul behavour.

Do you really think she wont do it again once you are deployed somewhere?

You need to offer up consequences for her recent actions or else you might as well give up on the marriage now.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you have any idea how big the mental decision to send pics and put out a Craigslist ad is?

Your wife has made a conscious decision that you are not to be respected, and you are not important enough to wait for or be faithful to. 

Honestly, I know how you feel. I felt it. What you need to know is that your wife is a cheater, plain and simple, and if you think you've seen all she's done, you're naive. The guys that are after her will educate her on how to hide all thus and likely already have. It mKes no difference about what SHE knows about covering her tracks. 

You want to fix this. YOU can't. She is only crying because she got caught and doesn't want to lose her meal ticket. Do you think she'd send nude pics to another man if you were all that important to her? 
Ask her to tell you the whole truth--- if you are that naive that you would believe her. She didn't confess. You caught her. Big difference.

Sad truth is that you should file for divorce and serve her with papers. You almost 99% chance will eventually have no choice. But if you file, you will plainly tell her that you won't tolerate cheating. Anything less and she will see you as a chump that she can lead around on a leash.

You have a huge problem. She's not bisexual. You're just either gone too much, or she's not into you enough to stay faithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Sorry op nip that sh*t in the bud and dump your postwall dependa


----------



## bruin619 (Mar 29, 2016)

You are now in a position that I was in. Except I didn't have everyone on here giving you great advice. And guess where I am currently at? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...arried-my-best-friend-she-left-me-affair.html

I am now filing for divorce. I am 30, my wife is 25 and we have a son. If I had done what everyone in the first page and a half is telling you what to do, I probably would have a bunch more chapters in my book. But my book ended early. This is the first time I am commenting outside of the thread I started on here for my own issues because I don't want to sit back and wonder could I have helped get through to you along with the others. Seriously dude, you are in my shoes (right where I was in November 2015) Fast forward to today - If I hadn't been weak at the time, I would likely have shocked the **** out of her and gotten her back to where she needed to be even with a long road of fixing ahead. But I don't get to do that now because I didn't have the balls to show her that I would never tolerate what she did to me. And guess what she is doing now? She continued her affair and is living in her fantasy until it falls apart. Whatever you are getting ready to do... do the opposite. Logic doesn't work here. There is no rationale. Its all emotions and you need to get through to her and make it stick. I wish I were in your shoes (how sad is that) because if I was... it would mean I had a second chance to save my marriage the right way. But I ****ed up. After being on here for a few days sharing my story... I feel like a different person. I finally got pissed at her (not at myself anymore) and realized it wasn't my fault. But I have 2 regrets. The first... marrying her. The 2nd, not showing her what she did was totally unacceptable the moment I found out. And you know what happens when you don't show her you aren't playing around? She is either going to keep doing the same thing she did and if she hasn't actually met someone in person she will next time. I don't care how amazing she is - trust me, my wife was amazing. Until she gave me a reason to understand why she wasn't as amazing as I thought. I am grateful for your service to this country. I am sure you are an awesome and stand up guy. There are a lot of us on here. Listen and do exactly what everyone is telling you to do. Then come back here and thank everyone - please don't be me. Again, I ****ed up. You can read all about it on my thread. And I am still picking up the pieces.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@bruin619. Good on you for posting on another thread and calling it as it is. The first and perhaps hardest thing a BS needs to do is find acceptance. Acceptance that the dream is dead. Acceptance they will more on and rebuild their life. 

There are several ways this show up as "proof" of acceptance. One of them is posting on other threads sharing a frank brutal honesty. Your last post show that. 

So a shout out from the 80's "keep on trucking dude". 

Newik25: I know you feel like you are at the foot of a wall you can't see the top of or either side. But while you may not see them, there are doors, a lot of them. Shall we discuss them and develop an action plan, or would you rather wallow in what ifs?


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

nivek25 said:


> Divorce is not an option because I love my wife too much to let an isolated incident like this ruin our marriage and family, plain and simple. I am willing to move forward. Call me what you will.


How can you say that it is isolated? There is no way you can know this. I cannot tell you how many WestPac widows I saw in San Diego and at Camp Pendleton. It was tragic. You really should follow the advice given here-just because you go to the JAG and get paperwork to file for a divorce that doesn't mean you actually have too. If nothing else, use it as a prop when you confront her. You have to remember this; you both took an oath, swore to be for each other only. You obviously take your oaths seriously, she is starting to hedge on hers. This picture business, and probably sexting at the very least, is the camel's nose under the tent. And shelter halves just ain't that big...

If you haven't gotten one already, the base chaplain can give you counseling information. Either through his office or out in the world.

Good luck, brother.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Remember, even if you do not consider divorce an option, you can let her know that, while you do not want a divorce now, it is one of the things you have to consider depending on her behavior going forward. Even filing for divorce does not mean you have to go through with it.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's the deal.

She's had the means, the motive, and the opportunity. Meaning, she's capable of lying and cheating on you, she wants to lie and cheat on you, and you're gone a lot so she can do it easily.

You can wring your hands about it going physical or not, but she's already cheated on you. And you're not going to leave her, and yet you're going to be gone a lot.

So she's going to continue to cheat on you while you're gone. The kid may or may not be yours. And since divorce isn't an option, and since she isn't really acting remorseful about that, the only options left available to you are to get comfortable with your wife having sex with other people including random strangers on the Internet, or to be home and try to watch her like a hawk.

Since neither option is very palatable, at least to me, here's what I think you should do.

Back up all her email, Facebook, PlayStation stuff, whatever. Back it all the hell up on an external drive and get it out of the house.

Then call a lawyer and at least find out what your options are. It may surprise you.

When you do those two things, you sit your wife down and say the following:
"I know far more now than you think I do. I know what you've been up to. I'm going to give you 24 hours to tell me everything. Every name, every email, every text, every meetup. A full timeline. If you miss one detail, we're done. If you refuse to do this, we're done. I've already talked to my lawyer. You might want to do the same. 24 hours from now, we're either in the process of separating, or there will be a stack of paper on the kitchen table detailing everything."

And then turn around and walk away and don't talk, text, or interact with her at all for that 24 hours. Sleep in a different room at least.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If divorce is not an option, then you will have to be content with her doing more of the same.


----------



## nivek25 (Mar 31, 2016)

I really appreciate all of the feedback. At this point I feel I had all of the evidence that was out there. I went through every account and device she had. We handled it on our own without a threat of divorce. However, she fully realizes that if it ever happens again in any capacity, the marriage is over. I made that much clear to her. She also knows my trust in her has been broken.

I feel like I know my wife enough to know what exactly she did and what the extent of her interaction was. I know most of you will say the contrary and that she will always be a cheater - well maybe and maybe not. This is a risk I guess I am willing to take.

We are more than likely going to start marriage counseling next week.

Again, thank you for all of the feedback. It has really helped me think about what happened and what I can do to help start rebuilding. Hopefully I'll never have to post something similar as what I did in that first post.

The bottom line for me is that I'm not ready to give up on my family or my marriage. She screwed up. We're going to move past it.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All you did is push her to take it underground, bub. 

Don't kid yourself. You caught her and gave her a warning. All that is likely going to happen is that she's going to be more careful. 

You don't start sending naked pics to random people as step 1 that I've ever seen. It's like step 10.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You are not wrong to try. Mistake or not it is your call and only your call. Be honest with yourself as to your motives, if you made this call out of fear you will lose. 

Going forward learn to live aware not in fear. You have a link to the standard of evidence thread, know it own it. Here is a list of red flags. Here is a good list. 

Red flags*

Sex life dropped off noticeably
Passwords on phone and computer
Much more time on line...fakebook.
More GNOs...staying out later.
Less eye contact and holding hands...much less physical contact.
Less communication.
Staying up late on computer.
Dressing more provocative
More shopping-spending...clothes.
3 hour groceries shopping trips
Gasoline use and mileage went up
Generally disconnected from family.
New friends that I wasn't introduced to
Cell/text usage went up...way up.
New hair style and attention to makeup
Started exercising more.
Secretive about whereabouts during contact
She would become annoyed easily with me.
Household responsibilities dropped way off.
ecame more forgetful in general
A noticable distancing from her family.
Much more waxing...trimming...shaving....not for me.

Again keep them in the back of your mind at all times. You can save this marriage but not if you put blinders on. 

In MC she needs to know what triggers are and how to cope with them. That is part of the heavy lifting age has to do. Shebhas to accept you will trigger tomorrow, next month, 19 years from now and know how to protect you.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Well OP, if I was trying to explain to someone what rug sweeping meant, I'd show them your quote from below:



nivek25 said:


> The bottom line for me is that I'm not ready to give up on my family or my marriage. She screwed up. We're going to move past it.


Look, I'm not suggesting that you even have to mention the word divorce to her. But you keep that option in your back pocket. You may need it. Not just for future cheating; but for her failure to demonstrate remorse or accept consequences.

Good luck to you.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

nivek25 said:


> I really appreciate all of the feedback. At this point I feel I had all of the evidence that was out there. I went through every account and device she had. We handled it on our own without a threat of divorce. However, she fully realizes that if it ever happens again in any capacity, the marriage is over. I made that much clear to her. She also knows my trust in her has been broken.
> 
> I feel like I know my wife enough to know what exactly she did and what the extent of her interaction was. I know most of you will say the contrary and that she will always be a cheater - well maybe and maybe not. This is a risk I guess I am willing to take.
> 
> ...


I can't speak for everyone else, but I don't see telling you to keep Divorce on the table the same as telling you to give up on your marriage. Taking your one and only real trump card out of play is going to hamstring your efforts.

What is your plan of action to make sure this doesn't happen again?


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Well OP, if I was trying to explain to someone what rug sweeping meant, I'd show them your quote from below:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your wife trolling Craigs list is an extremely frightening revelation. Like 1000 men to every one real woman? I would be real leery of who your wife really is man. Most women don't do what she is doing.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ButtPunch said:


> Your wife trolling Craigs list is a frightening revelation. Like 1000 men to every one real woman? I would be real leery of who your wife really is man. Most women don't do what she is doing.


_Exactly._

That's not the _first_ thing I've ever seen a woman do. It is, though, for serial cheaters who have run out of local guys to get their fix.

Or just want a total 100% no strings attached **** and don't care who's attached to that penis.

Same goes for guys on Craigslist, btw.


----------



## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

marduk said:


> Here's the deal.
> 
> She's had the means, the motive, and the opportunity. Meaning, she's capable of lying and cheating on you, she wants to lie and cheat on you, and you're gone a lot so she can do it easily.
> 
> ...


For the love of common sense, listen to Marduk! This is very sound advice. You have to shock her out of her fog, and force her to either be a woman of moral and integrity or a cheating wh0r*. If she resists in any way, she's telling you she's still immature and therefore is not worth keeping.


----------



## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

nivek25 said:


> I really appreciate all of the feedback. At this point I feel I had all of the evidence that was out there. I went through every account and device she had. We handled it on our own without a threat of divorce. However, she fully realizes that if it ever happens again in any capacity, the marriage is over. I made that much clear to her. She also knows my trust in her has been broken.
> 
> I feel like I know my wife enough to know what exactly she did and what the extent of her interaction was. I know most of you will say the contrary and that she will always be a cheater - well maybe and maybe not. This is a risk I guess I am willing to take.
> 
> ...


This is far from over. A slap on the wrist means nothing. Maybe not next year, maybe not in 5 years or 10, but she's very likely going to cheat again. Only then, the pain will be ten times worse. Rugsweeping is never a good idea.

Edit to add: Actually, this is not really a slap on the wrist; it's more like shaking your finger at her and telling her to not do it again. She might say she won't do it again, but can you really trust her. I've read enough of this site to know there have been a number of guys like you who didn't take the advice given to them and thought the cheating was resolved, only to later come back with a heartbreaking update.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

nivek25 said:


> I guess the only input I'm looking for here is - where do we go from here? Divorce is not an option.


If "Divorce is not an option" then I believe the military equivalent is "pinned down and taking fire"

You have to have an option, even if it is a bad option.


You say you are in military but were you home or deployed when this was taking place? Work commitments of any kind are hard on all marriage and the demands of military life and marriage often aren't thought about by the depend...ones at home.

She will need hobbies and support groups that you both agree on as well as what you can manage to let her know you're still in her life (often sadly she will have to take care of the "doing" end of that, which does go against many womens' nature). Most of my military friends, their friends wives hangout together as a kind of "sibling group" for support when their partners are on exercises, training, or deployment. Often it can be a bit stiffling when everyone is at home because the mil-folk are always doing their stuff and the home folk can end up feeling like "outsiders". But sadly that is the way it is - that is the military life. World has come forward from a small army of following family and camp followers...but only just.

It is often very difficult for you because being an effective soldier means taking responsibliity for your sh1t and getting it done without excuses. Totally opposite of civvy street. No room in the soldier world for "what about me" thinking, which is what civvy stuff is all about. Soldiers who get through their first years are the ones who are the go forward types, and then that is reinforced by training. She has none of that (and neither will your kids until tween years).
Be ready for that when you "talk" you'll want to overcome the obstacles, she'll want set up camp and put down roots with benefits....bloody hard mess if you're wanting her to contribute positively to an outcome.
Doesn't help that many "base wives" are also used to having fit young studs as partners/husbands, and have higher libido than average.

Generally most Western militaries have localised resources to help with such things (although yeah most are pretty crap, and no one wants to be the person going soft). But you'll have to give some thought to what kind of things she'll need, and what you're prepared to handle.

With the bi thing. Every military relationship I know of where she's gone for girls when he's away, split up. every one of them. The going for girls is a halfway point, and it is just entirely cheating to the point of being single again ... but with the excuse that because it doesn't have a penis it's not cheating.

I would definitely _start_ with the: if there's someone else, then if you're not involved too, it's cheating and NOT ok. Simply because if you're not able to be around, the other person becomes the "go-to-guy" in the relationship (and the soldier is ends up like a penpal).

Likewise I've never heard of military polyamory working (with a civvy pair), the relationship is just too uneven, as you drop in and out of _their_ life. (and I'm pro- polyamory)

And just to show you how ***d up the military and life in mil is... frequently if she cheats it often doesn't affect things as long as you act annoyed (if you find out) and _do_not_give_her_permission_ (see 2 paragraphs up). This is _Really_ common. And there are sleazy bastards who do like to know that soldiers wives don't get too lonely. So beat them up [the sleazy guys] etc, be suitably annoyed, be all the things that is expected of her alpha male - but don't hit or blame or break stuff. You want a dominance display to remind her you're the alpha and you're worth keeping company with. (that's why you _must_not_ give permission because that would be weak and giving up your territory), reward good behaviour, dominate bad.
If she cheats on you, then that is _her_ overcoming the obstacle, at least that means she's empowering choices ... as opposed to you weakening your position as alpha respect dude. So act angry, act betrayed, act hurt - these are all things you are expected to do.

But like people shooting at you or leaving IED around, you can't control their sh1t, but you can...must... decide to act properly around how you handle their sh1t. And man up, because no of them are going to just stop because you don't like it.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

nivek25 said:


> I'm in the military and was away for training for the past two months. Upon my return, I discovered my wife posted an ad on Craigslist searching for a female to talk to because she has bisexual tendencies (this I can live with and is something we have already addressed in the past).


 You letting her know that you "can live with" her pursuing bisexual relationships with other women, was you letting her know that you were OK with an open marriage. You are either monogamous or you are not. Cheating is cheating, it does not matter if it is heterosexual or homosexual. Once you open that door, you cannot control what walks in.



nivek25 said:


> Divorce is not an option.


 For you to say "Divorce is not an option", means that she has no reason to stop. And guess what? She knows that "Divorce is not an option" for you and has been and will continue to acting accordingly. You are in the military. If the other side knows that you will not take action, they will walk all over you, just like your wife is now. Would our nuclear deterrent work if the other side knew that we were not willing to use it? The fact that the other side knows that we would use them, is why we have never had to.

Not only should divorce be an option, but based on what she is doing, it should be the path that you are taking, unless she works hard to earn another chance. You must be willing to end the marriage to have a chance at a marriage worth saving.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

badmemory said:


> Look, I'm not suggesting that you even have to mention the word divorce to her.


Ultimatiums never work - even when they seem to it's just a life lived under threat


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Oh, and please do yourself a favour.

Go get an STD test, OK?


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi nivek25, 

As I mentioned in my last post to you, if you are going to try - that's you call. But in addition know the red flags, learn what a faise reconcillation looks like. Know what works and what does not. Do not act out fear. Finally be ready to drop the "mike" 

Dropping the mike


Do it for you. Trust me, at some point you are going to wish that you had that moment to just call her out on her cheating. I mean a simple opener like, "Since you felt guilty about the things you did with the true love of your life while we were married, I want to set you free."*

I am a fan of "dropping the mike". A euphemism here for saying all that needs to be said. A quick, cool, and calculated confrontation followed by a plan of action is the most devastating thing you can do. AFTER YOU HAVE HIRED THE LAWYER and followed their advice on locking down finances, etc.*

If you are allowed to separate the money early, get what ever keepsakes you want ready to take, get credit cards separated and no longer joint obligations so she can rack up debt, etc., do it. She will go for the credit cards to hire a lawyer and they need to be cancelled. That can happen in a day or two before you drop the bomb. Same with bank accounts, and lines of credit. Then Drop the mike.

Seriously, with the confrontation she is shocked at discovery, with the divorce filed she is rocked with immediate consequences, and with none of your money to use against you, she is already in the losing position. If she has her own money, fine. She just can't use yours against you. That is how the "mike is dropped"

Hat tip to ???

Not being ready is like gong into a potential combat situation without ammo. A common misconception about the miltary is they teach you to fight. They do not teach how to fight. They teach how tp be prepared, how to survive avd how to kill. Do not forget those leasons in your personal life. Learn the skills to cope in your marriage and excute them. 

Be well


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

You said you know your wife well enough. BIG mistake,you dont know a lot of things about her. She cheated on you and your son my friend.

Prepare yourself for more,becasue there is always more. 
You dont send nude photos of yourself just like that to strangers. You have to know them,trust them and have some conversation with them. She give them a lot more then you know and I belive you know what it means,sorry.

She will try everything to blind you right now but ask yourself what is she going to do when you go back to training or someday to another country !!!

Stay strong.

PS. you should not feel ok (like you said) with your wife doing nasty things with females. It is cheating to. Think about your boundaries and what you want from Marriage.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

nivek25 said:


> Divorce is not an option because I love my wife too much to let an isolated incident like this ruin our marriage and family,


Which of the "isolated incidents" are you talking about? Soliciting sex on Craigslist or cybersex with a stranger?

Can you even HAVE two "isolated" incidents?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So what is her gamertag????

Kidding aside.

You need to rebuild the foundation of your marriage.

The old one is faulty and she needs to change her character and behavior.

You could probably use some work to.

Do you have a plan?

Have you two discussed how to work through this without rug sweeping?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

