# Husband's hidden sexuality???



## luckythirteen (Dec 8, 2013)

Hi and please bear with my long story.

My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years, together for 7.5. Over the years, my parents have either asked me if he's gay or flat out told me they think he's gay. They worry about me because they think he married me to appease his parents and is suppressing his true sexual identity, and they are scared that one day he comes out and leaves me. I admit to having wondered if he's gay or not. Here's why...

I have caught him on gay websites (not gay porn, but a forum website for gay men to meet and chat, etc)

I have discovered a chat log between him and another man (9 different chats total) where they discussed meeting up and hooking up. My husband expressed a desire to perform oral sex on the man and to have sex with him while the man had sex with a woman. 

My husband has not had an orgasm/ejaculated during sex with me in a little over 5 years. I'm dead serious. I think it's because he knows he's not having sex with men so I'm not good enough for him. 

In order for us to have sex, I must initiate, EVERY SINGLE TIME, or we don't have sex. He NEVER initiates. Claims fear of rejection. 

Upon confrontation about website, he said before he met me he had joined the website because he was questioning his sexuality because he had never dated anyone before so he found himself wondering. Okay- fair enough.

Upon confrontation of the chat logs with that other man, he said he was bored at work, logged into a chatroom, started chatting with women but couldn't find anyone to talk to about sex and then this man started chatting him up. He said the stimulation was from the talk of sex itself and not because he was talking to a guy. I asked repeatedly if he was turned on by the idea of hooking up with a guy and he said no, even said he thought that would be gross. 

I am bisexual so the question I have is impossible for me to answer....Do straight people ever fantasize about having a same-sex encounter? Being attracted to women, I can't answer that. It's totally normal for me to be attracted to men and women so I can't know what a straight person thinks. 

Men: Have you ever had homosexual fantasies despite being straight and never actually wanting to make those fantasies a reality? I need to know! 

And please, I would really appreciate not getting an influx of comments saying he's definitely gay- you don't know him only my brief explanation so how can you really say? All I want to know is if straight people can have same-sex fantasies... 

Thank you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

luckythirteen said:


> Hi and please bear with my long story.
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 5.5 years, together for 7.5. Over the years, my parents have either asked me if he's gay or flat out told me they think he's gay. They worry about me because they think he married me to appease his parents and is suppressing his true sexual identity, and they are scared that one day he comes out and leaves me. I admit to having wondered if he's gay or not. Here's why...
> 
> ...



I tend to agree with your parents, he's gay and hasn't been honest with anyone about it yet, including you.

The fact you are bi-sexual gives him the out, to be out so to speak.

I have never had homosexual straight sex fantasies but under the right circumstances, at the right time, who really knows? Anything is possible I guess. It's if I decide to act on it and nope, not for me.

My wife is straight and doesn't fantasize about women, only men.

Men that say they're straight but go on gay chat forums, fantasize about other men and even would hook up are gay or bisexual.

I would sit him down and ask him, ask you for sure gay? If yes, divorce on good terms, if not, why are you wanting to hook up with gay guys and be on gay chat forums? He could want to hook up with ladies and chat on straight forums.


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## luckythirteen (Dec 8, 2013)

I can handle it if his response was that he was bisexual too, and that would be fine. If I was able to tell him about me, he should be able to tell me about him...but he always denies everything.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Good point. Ask him if he's bi-sexual or gay and that you truly need to know, for your marriage and possible kids.

See, him denying it tells me he isn't comfortable or ready yet to make that step and tell you truthfully.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm really confused about what this means: "My husband has not had an orgasm/ejaculated during sex with me in a little over 5 years. I'm dead serious. I think it's because he knows he's not having sex with men so I'm not good enough for him."

You are telling us yourself that you think he can't get off during sex with you because you're not a man...but you don't want us to tell you he is probably gay?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Um yea he's gay. Straight men avoid looking at a penis directly in the eye.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

All kidding aside, forgive my shallowness. I'm usually not like that. Sorry your hear. Many of us have also gone through an Emotional Affair and or Physical Affairs. Not an easy thing to do but there is a lot of support for you. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## luckythirteen (Dec 8, 2013)

Thank you


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

From your post seems the sex has been bad and him not being able to finish during the time you have been married. How was it in the couple years before marriage? Did he totally change right after you got married?

My 2 cents only I could see if someone was curious or thoughts came across, but that chat and things they talked about would concern me if I was you. As a straight man that seemed to step over the curious line.


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## marko (Jul 22, 2013)

how would you feel if he was chatting the same way to a female? would you approve or disapprove of it?

he might just be sexual and feels like chatting to whoever about sex. it might turn him on regardless of it was a man or a woman. 

to be honest I have assorted fantasies involving all types of combos including two women, one woman, or another couple, and sometimes the lines blur where we might start and end but I never have fantasized about just one male with me. there are things I have considered doing in my fantasies and have told my wife about them, well some of them, maybe she thinks I am a little bi-curious, and perhaps I am. 

I can tell you one thing though, it does not matter, we have been together for over 25 years now and I have never strayed, nor has she , that I know of. 

short answer, sure, a straight man could fantasize about sex with a man and not feel the real need to act out on it. 

what to do about your husband? no idea, ask him what he really wants, make sure he understands that you want the best for him as well, that he has the right to live the way he needs to live. If that means you need to divorce so he can be the real him then that might be what goes down. he might not see you as a lover, but perhaps you will be his very best friend for the rest of your life. 

I have seen too many marriages break apart because the two people involved were trying to keep everybody else happy and ignore what they needed.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

Look up Bonnie Kaye's website. She's a therapist whose husband was hiding his homosexuality. She has stories and a newsletter. From what you've put out here, I think your husband is gay. I dealt with a similar issue with my husband where I found out he was describing himself as bi- oral and meeting with couples for sex. He was engaging in oral sex with the men and the women. He described it as a penis fetish and not homosexuality. I found all his texts and emails and found no evidence of him trying to hook up with men alone. He also has no trouble initiating and finishing with me. However, your husband's behavior matches behavior I've read of men on the downlow. Sadly, I've done a lot of reading on this subject.

But look at Bonnie Kaye - it definitely helped me. And betrayal is still betrayal - whether he's bisexual or not. 

Btw - I've come to the conclusion he's bisexual. But it could be a penis fetish. Who knows?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Sounds like his answer to you about the chats was gas lighting. It could be the truth, but bottom line, it was betrayal to have the equivalent of an EA regardless of sex.

He may not be confident enough to ever tell the whole story, leaving you frustrated and possibly affecting your self esteem. 

Why did your parents asked if he was gay? Did you tell them what you found on the computer or is it something in his behavior. Forgive me if I missed reading the answer above, but I didn't notice what caused your parents to question it also.

And to answer your question about straight people having gay fantasies, I am as straight as could be (female) and would never have the desire for same sex, not even out of curiosity, nor chats of that nature if I was bored and just wanted someone to talk to as was his explanation.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

luckythirteen said:


> I can handle it if his response was that he was bisexual too, and that would be fine. If I was able to tell him about me, he should be able to tell me about him...but he always denies everything.



Actually, studies have shown that while many women are bisexual, very, very few men are. Men tend to go one way or the other. The vast majority of men who claim to be bisexual are actually gay. 

Combine this with your husband's internet behavior and your sex life at home (or lack of it) = your husband is gay. I would be willing to bet my entire life savings on it.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Listen to your parents.

Listen to the little voice in your head.

You know what's up, you just wished it weren't true.

You can still love him and be his friend. Look up Fran Drescher.

I hope that you figure out how to handle your situation in a way that you don't destroy his life in finally getting out on your own.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I'm not bisexual and do fantasize about opposite sex encounters.

I don't go to chat rooms and tell women I want to go down on them. I don't make my H initiate for years on end and soforth.

I don't think the problem is the fantasies so much as it translates into action in so many ways.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

I am a straight male. I have never fantasized about same sex partners. I don't frequent gay chat rooms.

I am able to recognise the aesthetic qualities of a 'handsome' man but the thought of anything vaguely sexual with a male grosses me out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

luckythirteen said:


> Men: Have you ever had homosexual fantasies despite being straight and never actually wanting to make those fantasies a reality? I need to know!


 MY husband doesn't even want to see the MAN in porn.. he only likes SOLO women porn.. he has always felt this way... which I don't mind seeing the woman in porn, I like to see the male & female go at it together..(that's Romance), I also love watching her give a BJ... I am focused on his arousal.. and it turns me on....but for husband...all his fantasies are naked women dancing or coming on to him. 



> And please, I would really appreciate not getting an influx of comments saying he's definitely gay- you don't know him only my brief explanation so how can you really say?* All I want to know is if straight people can have same-sex fantasies... *


I am a straight women.... even the idea of a woman touching me, kissing me ....the thought is repulsive to me...even if I was desperate for some skin.... I would prefer to be alone with my "MAN fantasies" dancing in my head....I know husband would feel the same (female fantasies).. 

We have had some funny conversations about our differences....he doesn't even like to LOOK at me giving him a BJ.. (He's gotten a little better here)... WHY - He can't understand what I get out of sucking him....and for the life of me, I can't understand why a man would want to eat a woman out (seems awfully gross to me -even allowed this to interfere with my enjoyment in the past)..... but I guess this is GOOD.. what we don't understand , we sure as hell [email protected]#$


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## sgreenberg (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm a straight man. I have never had any gay fantasies. The thought of gay sex makes me ill. 

Everything you've said indicates he's gay and considering cheating on you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm not so homophobic as I can't appreciate a good looking man be it in a porn or at the gym but I have zero interest in being with them. I have never fantasized about having sex with another man nor would I ever consider logging onto a gay chat site to discuss sex. I'm about as interested in having sex with another man as I am having sex with a brick wall. There is no way I find it exciting.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Not to be flippant, OP, but I don't see what's hidden about his sexuality - your husband's gay. It's either that, or he's a straight guy who frequents gay forums, sets up meetings with gay men whom he's told he wants to blow, and can't orgasm with his wife (who needs to initiate 100% of the sex).

None of that sounds like the sex life of heterosexual men I know, including myself. I mean, for me, the idea of sex with a man is gross and repellent, no different than the idea of sex with a woman is gross and repellent for gay men. No, I don't fantasize about sex with men. That's what, you know... Gay guys do.

I'm sorry to hear of this happening to you, and I'm sorry for the EA(s) he's been having. Hope it works out as well as can be.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Straight men do have same sex fantasies.

So obviously your husband is straight.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Straight men do have same sex fantasies.
> 
> So obviously your husband is straight.


As a straight male I would strongly disagree. 

My view is that bisexual males that think they are straight have same sex fantasies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I am heterosexual, but I have fantasy about women before. I personally think the problem in your marriage goes beyond whether he is gay or not.
You said he hasn't been able to finish in 5 years. That must build a lot of sexual frustration, unless he is getting rid of this frustration somewhere else.
A sexless marriage could survive if both partners are LD or agree that it is for the best.
What about you? How are you dealing with knowing you do not do it for your husband? 
I have experience this, and it was devastating for me. 
I think it is time you and your husband have a conversation about the state of your marriage. It would be better to stay friends that grown old resenting each other. 
good luck to you


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

luckythirteen said:


> Men: Have you ever had homosexual fantasies despite being straight and never actually wanting to make those fantasies a reality? I need to know!


Let me see how I can say this. Hell no. I've never be interested is such activities nor have I perused gay sites.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

luckythirteen said:


> Hi and please bear with my long story.
> 
> I have caught him on gay websites (not gay porn, but a forum website for gay men to meet and chat, etc)
> 
> ...


He's gay gay gay.....listen to yourself! :lol: If he hasn't had an orgasm with you in 5 years, that because he hasn't had an orgasm with YOU. He's having it alright.....but not with you. More than likely from the sites he visits or from the clandestine meetups with other men. If he had the gumption to be chatting it up online among other things you're in for a rude awakening.
Stop making excuses for him.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I eat chocolate ice cream. 

Someone who didn't know me, but saw me walking down the block eating a chocolate ice cream cone would correctly surmise that I eat chocolate ice cream because I LIKE chocolate ice cream.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I eat chocolate ice cream.
> 
> Someone who didn't know me, but saw me walking down the block eating a chocolate ice cream cone would correctly surmise that I eat chocolate ice cream because I LIKE chocolate ice cream.



Ha ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Straight men do have same sex fantasies.
> 
> So obviously your husband is straight.


This quote should have been straight men do have *SOME* sex fantasies... not *same* sex fantasies........ Obviously Hicks had a keyboard malfunction.

Straight men as a rule, DO NOT have gay fantasies. Straight men DO NOT go to gay chat rooms and straight men do not offer to give men oral sex.


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## Mrs M (Jan 3, 2014)

Hi luckythirteen. I don't believe that there are any hard and fast rules when it comes to sexual orientation and attraction. I too identify as bisexual, while my fiancé identifies as heterosexual. However, he has experimented sexually with men in the past (in a group sex situation). He was very open with me about it and said that he was curious, which I understand.

I do find it troubling that he has used chatrooms to engage in sexual conversations though. That would upset me, regardless of the gender of the person behind the screen.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I can only speak from personal experience, but I've NEVER had a fantasy nor curiosity about being with another man. I do not think that it is normal for a straight guy to use homosexual porn or visit homosexual chat rooms, period. 

I'd say that your husband is gay. Sorry, but that's my opinion based on what we know. Seriously, I know of no straight males that have ever shown curiosity at licking another man's hairy balls or ass.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I think that every man and woman has some, to a greater or lesser extent bisexual/curiosity in them.

There are male posters here who have said they 'recognise' an attractive male - they are clearly at the lower end of the scale. 
Mrs M's husband is clearly further up the scale.

I suppose the further up the hetero > bi scale you go there comes a point where bi starts to become more gay than bi till you get to someone who is firmly at the gay end of the scale but who will also recognise an attractive female (or male).

The 'problems' start when someone is too far up the bi/gay scale to be comfortable in and function adequately in a hetero relationship.

The OP's husband might not be gay perse, but it sounds as if he his far enough along the 'scale' not to be able to 'function' normally in a hetero marraige.
So what is the answer?....as he seems unable to function in a hertero marriage, they need to go their separate ways....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How does he finish? Masturbation? 

He has a problem but I don't know what it is. It could be related to his inability to finish. 

Has he had problems with other women as well or just you?

Guys with inhibited ejaculation can bark up a lot of trees trying to figure out what is going on. Porn, prostitutes, same-sex encounters... rarely do they speak to a professional or have am honest discussion with their SO without a lot of "encouragement. "


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> Listen to your parents.
> 
> Listen to the little voice in your head.
> 
> ...


This sounds like good advice.

Why live with a man who isn't into you. You can find one who is.


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

luckythirteen said:


> And please, I would really appreciate not getting an influx of comments saying he's definitely gay- you don't know him only my brief explanation so how can you really say? All I want to know is if straight people can have same-sex fantasies...
> Thank you.


Personally, I think they can, or more accurately I think that occasional same-sex fantasies don't make you gay (there really are bisexual men out there). If those are the only kind of fantasies one has, that's another matter.

However, men who are attracted to women don't typically have a problem finishing during intercourse for over *five years*. Every once in a while I don't finish, but it's no big deal, it hasn't happened for quite a while and if it's been a week or so since I've finished it DEFINITELY doesn't happen 

I'd say those two facts together are pretty suggestive that he's gay.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

A guy with inhibited ejaculation can fail to finish for 5 years without being gay. 

Without more information on his habits around porn and masturbation and any potential sexual abuse in his past, nobody can conclude he is gay. 

Screwed up, absolutely. Enough to take off? I think so. Sad but true.


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