# A question on divorce.



## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

I have been married for five years. I lived what I thought was a happy and fruitful marriage. My wife and I have one beautiful child together. In the end of 2011 I was on a routine mission in Afghanistan and my truck was hit by an IED (improvised explosive device). I was lucky and didnt lose any limbs or any friends. I did however receive a major brain concussion, followed by a major brain injury and a bad case of PTSD. I have a lot of trouble driving etc. I have been going to counseling, I take medication religiously and do my part as a I should. I am on disability from the VA as well as SSI disability. I have been taken care of, and eternally grateful. I went through a full year where I couldn't get a job and when I did I was let go because of my issues. I stay at home and care for my child. I take her to school pick her up, help her with her homework. I do everything, clean the house, make dinner do the yard work, fix the cars etc. I am happy to do it and most of it I enjoy. My wife works hard and on average doe around 40 to 50 hours a week. I still make more then she does, but we split our finances in half and whatever is left after obligation s is split between us evenly. I recently went to AT&T with her phone that had broken the day before. They said they couldnt fix it and the place down the street wanted to charge us 400 to fix it. So I went online bought the parts and did it myself. It wasnt very hard. After I put it on the charger for an hour I went to go turn it on. It was already on and there her Aim app open. She had been talking to an ex, She had sent pictures and everything. This isnt the first time either. We went to counseling a while back for this very thing. I told her the first time if it happened again I would seek a divorce. I am doing just that. I am going to go get an attorney next week, already have an appointment. She doesnt know and wont until I file. I have taken pictures of the phone and made copies of the texts. The reason why I am on here today is to find out what else I should do to protect myself. Am I going to have to pay child support even though I care for our child more then five days a week. What should I expect? Should I install a key logger on her computer as well? If so which ones are good? Any help will be appreciated. Thank you in advance.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

First, thank you for your service. You are a true American hero. I wish I could personally shake your hand and thank you for all you have given to our great country.

As to your questions:

Whether or not you have to pay child support is a function of your state's laws. Your attorney will help you with this. As a start you can google your state's child support laws. There is usually a financial form you have to fill out where the incomes of both parents are listed, with some additional expenses (such as daycare) or other extraordinary expenses (such as medication) necessary for the child, and then the state calculates according to a formula, based on your total income, how much you should be spending to support that child. That dollar amount is then split between the parents based on the relative percentage of their income.

For example based on your combined incomes the courts may say you should be spending $1500/mo to support your child. Then based on your individual incomes (percentages) they courts may say you should be contributing $900 and your wife $600. Whomever is the custodial parent receives the $$$$ from the other parent. So if your wife becomes the custodial parent, in this example, you would give her $900 per month. That $900 per month is not tax deductible, by the way.

Your case is going to be interesting, where you are on disability. I am not sure if the courts will use SSDI as your "income" or not. Your lawyer can advise you here.

Are you going to seek to be the physical custodian of your child? I would recommend you do so, even if you have joint legal custody. Be prepared for an uphill battle on this one.

As to keyloggers, this is more difficult to answer. Again its a function of state law. It may be illegal to install a keylogger on your wife's computer. If its her work computer, for instance, you could get in a lot of trouble. I wouldn't advise doing much here until you talk to the lawyer. If it is a "home" computer used by everyone, it may be perfectly legal, since there is no reasonable expectation of privacy where it is technically community property of the marriage. Of course what you could do is take the computer and store it somewhere safe, such as a good friends' house, under the guise it broke and you took it to best-buy to get fixed by geek squad, until you talk to the lawyer and you can have someone (assuming your lawyer says its okay) go through the computer and look for evidence of infidelity.

That may be a moot point anyway, if you live in a no-fault state, in which case the court isn't going to care why you get divorced.

What else can you do to protect yourself? Well, if you have a lot of money in the bank, you could suddenly develop a gambling habit and find it necessary to drain your bank account to visit the casino. If a good friend of yours happens to discover your problem and liberates your cash without your knowledge from the back of your car for "safekeeping", well, what you don't know can't hurt you either, right?

Keep in mind I am not a lawyer, I just play one on the Internet. This advice is worth exactly what you paid me for it.


Good luck


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yes - thank you for your service. And I'm glad the government is taking care of you- for once it seems the system works.

Just to add to above- don't move out of the house. Do you guys own or rent? You are a guy so custody is an uphill battle. However you have been the primary caregiver as wife works full time and have maintained the household. Indeed the traditional gender roles almost seem reversed in your situation, so I hope that plays in your favor. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

The thread linked here talks about gathering evidence; including key loggers, assuming you need more evidence. The incident in the past - did she cheat or was it "just texts and pics". 

What state do you live in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The importance of talking with an attorney cannot be stressed strongly enough.

My understanding is that SSI is not considered income for child support purposes, while SSDI is. VA benefits are usually income for child support purposes. Clearly, you need to nail this part down and a family law attorney should be able to do that.

Take a look at Stateside Legal | Legal help for military members, vets and families It has some additional information that may help you.

Remember that you are the primary care-giver for the child now. Would you seek custody?


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## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

I haven't been able to ascertain if she has physically cheated on me. However I am pretty certain she has. She went on a small weekend trip with her best friend. I asked her best friend what they did, the following weekend and she had a completely different story then my wife did. To top it off, I have done some investigating and my friend who lives in the same state as I do, is a police officer. He looked into a few things for me. This hotel she stayed in is about five minutes from his house. We have a mortgage and live in New Hampshire. I am looking to be the custodial parent, but I am not looking to screw her, just trying to make sure she doesn't do it to me. I will go only as far as I have to, but I am willing to do whatever needs to be done. I have full access to her computer, as I maintain all the electronics in the house. I have a degree in computer engineering and a secondary in small electrical. Oh well, I think I might just do it just to protect myself. If I dont need it I will just get rid of it. Or I could post it all over facebook, jk.

Oh to add to this, we have a sizable savings, I took out 80% of it and placed it in a storage unit bought by my parents. I feel it is all I owe her, if anything at all. I am a little bitter, but she is still my kids mom. My father gave me his old chevy truck and signed it over to me as though I spent the money on it. She can have it if she wants, lol.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

before you go hiding assets, talk with an attorney. Usually either party can withdraw 50% of joint assets, but 80%? And it matters where the money came from-marital earning, or separate. See, it can get complicated.

Does it matter if the A went physical? Would you stay if it hasn't?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Where the pictures sexual in nature? How do you know it has gone physical, maybe they are just talking. You should talk to her first. It's not just you and her that will be affected by the divorce, your child will be too and with you not in the picture on most days because odds are she will get physical custody, your child will have to go to daycare while your wife works. Maybe counseling would work. Talk to her about what is lacking in the marriage that she feels a need to talk to her ex, that's what I would be wondering if I were you.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He's the primary care-giver. No reason to assume that would change.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I just wanted to tell you thank you for your service. I am biased. I was cheated on over and over by my xW and I did everything I could. I tried counseling and showing her more attention. Everything everyone suggested and in the end she just cheated again. So if this isn't your first time I wouldn't suggest you entertaining another. I would file and ask for full custody with the house. 

I did file. I kept the house the kids and the car. Its been almost 8 years and It was the best decision I ever made. The years of hell of being with a cheater was never worth it. Since then I have remarried and aside of the crazy children problems life is good. 

I hope things go well for you. 

Clay


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

ShouldIbehere said:


> . It was already on and there her Aim app open. She had been talking to an ex, She had sent pictures and everything. This isnt the first time either. We went to counseling a while back for this very thing. I told her the first time if it happened again I would seek a divorce. I am doing just that. I am going to go get an attorney next week, already have an appointment. She doesnt know and wont until I file. I have taken pictures of the phone and made copies of the texts. The reason why I am on here today is to find out what else I should do to protect myself. Am I going to have to pay child support even though I care for our child more then five days a week. What should I expect? Should I install a key logger on her computer as well? If so which ones are good? Any help will be appreciated. Thank you in advance.


You've already been through with this scenario. You have told her what you would do if this happened again. She did it again. It is clear to see that she is rekindling her relationship with her ex. Was she married or engaged to him at some point? You have to carry on your threat or you will become a doormat like so many others who have posted their story on TAM. They are tortured souls. 

Making an appointment to see an attorney to protect your legal rights is the right thing to do. Your attorney will have the answers for you regarding child support. I commend you for taking actions to preserve yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Where the pictures sexual in nature? How do you know it has gone physical, maybe they are just talking. You should talk to her first. It's not just you and her that will be affected by the divorce, your child will be too and with you not in the picture on most days because odds are she will get physical custody, your child will have to go to daycare while your wife works. Maybe counseling would work. Talk to her about what is lacking in the marriage that she feels a need to talk to her ex, that's what I would be wondering if I were you.


Really?? What does it take with you, a brick wall coming down on your head? The woman cheated on him. He is following the course of action that he needs to take. She was told of the consequences, and she did it again anyway. 

OP, good for you for sticking to your boundary! So few people will actually follow through with enforcing the boundaries they put in place! Go for full physical custody of your child, with visitation for your STBXW.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Where the pictures sexual in nature? How do you know it has gone physical, maybe they are just talking. You should talk to her first. It's not just you and her that will be affected by the divorce, your child will be too and with you not in the picture on most days because odds are she will get physical custody, your child will have to go to daycare while your wife works. Maybe counseling would work. Talk to her about what is lacking in the marriage that she feels a need to talk to her ex, that's what I would be wondering if I were you.


Terrible. Simply terrible advice.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Where the pictures sexual in nature? How do you know it has gone physical, maybe they are just talking. You should talk to her first. It's not just you and her that will be affected by the divorce, your child will be too and with you not in the picture on most days because odds are she will get physical custody, your child will have to go to daycare while your wife works. Maybe counseling would work. Talk to her about what is lacking in the marriage that she feels a need to talk to her ex, that's what I would be wondering if I were you.












Respect cannot be given to those with flimsy boundaries...


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## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

So, an update. Wife and I had split, she moved out blah blah blah. We set up some good times and organized visitation etc. She has been very open minded and we both have gotten along pretty well. On Thursday of last week I went out with a good friend of mine (a female). We went to a movie and coldstone (ice cream place). We didnt do anything sexual, or anything intimate. She is just a good friend. Albeit a very attractive friend. Well as leaving the ice cream shop my soon to be ex wife was walking out of the store with some guy. I turned my back and didnt say a word, tried to leave it alone. My friend spotted her and layed a huge kiss on me. I was shocked, to say the least. A few hours after I got home I get a text from her. She tells me she is sorry about everything she has done. She says she wants to fight for our marriage and kids and wishes things would have turned out different. I am pretty stubborn and told her there is no repairing what we had, there is no point in talking unless its about our kids. That ended that pretty quick. Well Saturday, the kids and I go to the park the same thing we do every Saturday. Nothing eventful happens and I take the kids home to there mothers. I get there and she isnt there. Her mom and dad are watching tv, and tell me she will be back a little later something came up. They were there to watch the kids. So I leave. I get home, wifes car is in the driveway and I get pissed immediately. I storm into the house, getting ready for a fight and there my wife is in my bed. She jumps me. The night was awesome, I haven't had that much fun in a very long time with her. Afterwards she tells me that when she saw me with another she about died. She realized what she lost and what she wanted all in a split second. She apologized and cried and begged easily for over 20 min. I asked her to leave in the end, I did tell her I wanted to think about it though. I am still on the edge, I am leaning towards no, and still being done with everything. Honestly, all that night did was open my eyes to how fun my life could be without her. It also told me she has been holding back for so long. What should I do?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ShouldIbehere said:


> So, an update. Wife and I had split, she moved out blah blah blah. We set up some good times and organized visitation etc. She has been very open minded and we both have gotten along pretty well. On Thursday of last week I went out with a good friend of mine (a female). We went to a movie and coldstone (ice cream place). We didnt do anything sexual, or anything intimate. She is just a good friend. Albeit a very attractive friend. Well as leaving the ice cream shop my soon to be ex wife was walking out of the store with some guy. I turned my back and didnt say a word, tried to leave it alone. My friend spotted her and layed a huge kiss on me. I was shocked, to say the least. A few hours after I got home I get a text from her. She tells me she is sorry about everything she has done. She says she wants to fight for our marriage and kids and wishes things would have turned out different. I am pretty stubborn and told her there is no repairing what we had, there is no point in talking unless its about our kids. That ended that pretty quick. Well Saturday, the kids and I go to the park the same thing we do every Saturday. Nothing eventful happens and I take the kids home to there mothers. I get there and she isnt there. Her mom and dad are watching tv, and tell me she will be back a little later something came up. They were there to watch the kids. So I leave. I get home, wifes car is in the driveway and I get pissed immediately. I storm into the house, getting ready for a fight and there my wife is in my bed. She jumps me. The night was awesome, I haven't had that much fun in a very long time with her. Afterwards she tells me that when she saw me with another she about died. She realized what she lost and what she wanted all in a split second. She apologized and cried and begged easily for over 20 min. I asked her to leave in the end, I did tell her I wanted to think about it though. I am still on the edge, I am leaning towards no, and still being done with everything. Honestly, all that night did was open my eyes to how fun my life could be without her. It also told me she has been holding back for so long. What should I do?


She cheated once, and you caught her doing it. When you caught her, you told her that, if she did it again, you'd file for divorce.

Then she did it again.

If you don't follow through, she'll likely just continue cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Also, how many children do you have...?



ShouldIbehere said:


> My wife and I have one beautiful child together.





ShouldIbehere said:


> I am pretty stubborn and told her there is no repairing what we had, *there is no point in talking unless its about our kids*.
> 
> Well Saturday, *the kids and I go to the park* the same thing we do every Saturday. Nothing eventful happens and *I take the kids home to there mothers.* I get there and she isnt there. Her mom and dad are watching tv, and tell me she will be back a little later something came up. *They were there to watch the kids.*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The ONLY reason she is doing this is because she saw you with someone else, and had the natural reaction of being jealous, like most of us would. If that hadnt happned, then she would never have ended up in your bed. Keep in mind that you saw HER out with someone else at that time as well. 

Dont give in, keep your course.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

1. Don't even think about taking her back
2. Don't ever have sex with her again (for at least 2 years)


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I hope to god you used protection... 

STDs... Or worse. Pregnancy.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Been there, done that and soooo sorry that you're having to go through it too. I gave mine a chance to stay and rebuild after I caught her. It was better for awhile but people rarely change. It took awhile but eventually she was back to her old ways. People just can't keep up the facade forever. Anyway, strike two was it for me. There was no way I could live with someone I couldn't trust and who didn't have my back. What was the point of living a lie with her? Fast forward...now a single dad, dating and loving life. Ending the marriage was the right move. It hasn't always been easy but it was the right call and things just keep getting better. Best of luck.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

well it is possible for people to change....but the likelihood is small.

you HAVE to divorce her as there has to be consequences for her actions.

if she was really sorry, she would give you pretty much everything in the divorce and not contest a thing.

let her actions through the divorce and afterwards try and convince you if she is worthy of you taking her back.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Also, how many children do you have...?


Good point - number of kids seems to increase from post to post - maybe its whats in the water under the bridge.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShouldIbehere said:


> Oh to add to this, we have a sizable savings, I took out 80% of it and placed it in a storage unit bought by my parents. I feel it is all I owe her, if anything at all. I am a little bitter, but she is still my kids mom. My father gave me his old chevy truck and signed it over to me as though I spent the money on it. She can have it if she wants, lol.


When was this savings accumulated? Was it yours before you married? Did she contribute to it?


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## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

To clarify I have two children, one with her and another from my past. Her mother is not in the picture at all. We are currently in divorce proceedings. I have gotten into a few different activities to keep me occupied. I hike and rock climb pretty frequently. Just finished shoe string gully here in nh. I am loving my freedom. I dont think I have been this happy in a very long time. Thank you everyone for helping me keep a clear mind. I will be logging on here every so often to help others how you have helped me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who was the guy you saw her with?


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## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

That was awhile ago, but I am prety sure it was the same guy she was sending nudes to originally. It doesnt matter now though, its all over, she moved out and I have moved on. Life threw a pretty fast curve ball, but I hit that damn thing out of the park. Love my life.


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