# Living with a stranger....



## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

I am having a bad day and just really need advice!

I've asked my husband for a separation about a month or so ago. He assumed I had a place to go....what I wanted was for him to go and stay in his parent's home (no one lives there) so that it wouldn't be a financial burden on him or us. We never got to the point where I could say that...He said, "I'm not leaving" and that was that.

Anyway....
We are both living in the same house and sometimes it is soooo hard. I've planned on leaving after the holidays (for my son's sake). And haven't had an opportunity to tell him that because my son has been around.

1. Should I tell him my plans?
2. How do I deal w/him walking around like I never uttered "separation" to him?
3. What do I tell my son?


I am in therapy and have gone to see an attorney....I just want advise from you all....this is therapeutic in it's own right!

Thanks for your time....
M


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I have been reading your threads/posts and feel a lot like you. Only thing is I don't have children and haven't confronted my husband with my unhappiness yet. Lawyer and therapist both think it's time to let him know although I keep thinking it's not b/c of one reason or another (this occassion or that outing or this person's event) - pathetic I know.

You have already gone through one huge step (asking for the separation). Set up a play date or something for your son or have a friend watch him for a little bit and just let your husband know your plans. I wish I was in half the position you were already. You are doing everything right, be confident in yourself. It will be painful but you will have more support than you think.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The sooner you make it real, the sooner it becomes reality. Is he oblivious or just being avoidant?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I would just find a time, maybe after your son is in bed and asleep, or at school or something, and tell your husband what your plans are. He's not going to be happy; you know that. You also know you're not going to be happy staying with him, so this is inevitable. 

Get it over with. Tell him when you're going to leave (set a firm date "after the holidays" won't cut it - you're leaving on Dec. 28 or Jan. 10 or whatever date it is you pick) and that you are done. 

I would start trying to prepare your son, depending on his age.I think you said in a previous post that I read that he's 4? So I would maybe start (after you tell hubby, of course - little kids tend to say things) preparing him by talking to him about living somewhere else, or going to a new daycare/school (if that will change), and work up to seeing dad less often, and eventually try to explain divorce to him the best you can.

None of this will be easy. All you can do is take each step, and each day, one at a time.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> I have been reading your threads/posts and feel a lot like you. Only thing is I don't have children and haven't confronted my husband with my unhappiness yet. Lawyer and therapist both think it's time to let him know although I keep thinking it's not b/c of one reason or another (this occassion or that outing or this person's event) - pathetic I know.
> 
> You have already gone through one huge step (asking for the separation). Set up a play date or something for your son or have a friend watch him for a little bit and just let your husband know your plans. I wish I was in half the position you were already. You are doing everything right, be confident in yourself. It will be painful but you will have more support than you think.



Thanks for your support! It's what I really need right now.
In my past posts, everyone is trying to help, but asking more questions and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong when all I've done is try to get through to this man.

I'm just done....
I plan on telling him, and a big part of me feels so bad that _I _know what I'm planning and he doesn't know any details....but in my opinion, he _has_ to know or suspect I'm gonna do something. But like many times/years before...hoping I just "get over it" and everything will be fine.

This is all part of what my therapist thinks is one of my problems...I am trying to be responsible for _his_ actions, worry about _his_ consciences etc...when I need to worry about me. But...that's what I do...worry about everyone around me and put myself on the backburner.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> The sooner you make it real, the sooner it becomes reality. Is he oblivious or just being avoidant?


I know....I'm scared! But NEED to do this! You saying shouldn't wait until after the Holidays??

He is definately being avoidant! The weekend I asked for the seperation, he didn't try to talk about it again. And right before it was time to pick up my son, I asked him, "Is there anything else you want to say?" He got mad and said, "God! It's always about this!" He left = I cried


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

=atruckersgirl;203373


> Get it over with. Tell him when you're going to leave (set a firm date "after the holidays" won't cut it - you're leaving on Dec. 28 or Jan. 10 or whatever date it is you pick) and that you are done.


I agree...




> I would start trying to prepare your son, depending on his age.I think you said in a previous post that I read that he's 4? So I would maybe start (after you tell hubby, of course - little kids tend to say things) preparing him by talking to him about living somewhere else, or going to a new daycare/school (if that will change), and work up to seeing dad less often, and eventually try to explain divorce to him the best you can.
> 
> None of this will be easy. All you can do is take each step, and each day, one at a time.



My son is 9...he knows something isn't right. He's pointed out when I've looked or sounded sad (as much as I try and hide it!). I've asked him questions about how he would feel if we split up etc....so I've said a few things to him. I also plan on putting him in therapy, one thing my husband has refused for himself and on behalf of my son. My son has been having some issues in school and I just would like to have him talk to someone and see if maybe all this is related...my husband was FURIOUS with me mentioning it!

Thank you all for your responses!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What I do know is that it won't be any easier after the holidays than it would be next week.

It never gets easier. But once you do it, and get by the heartache, there will distinctly be moments where it feels good, and right.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Thanks for your support! It's what I really need right now.
> In my past posts, everyone is trying to help, but asking more questions and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong when all I've done is try to get through to this man.
> 
> I'm just done....
> ...



Happy to support you Just! 

I had a session w my therapist today where I actually told her the same thing "I feel bad being the bad guy" she asked me why and I gave her similar reasons. She reminded me of all the things he has done outside our marriage that obviosuly show he isn't in line with any of the goals we originally set. She said I need to build courage and that it isn't fair for me or my health to keep living in doubt and fear.

I worry about everyone else to and she told me it needs to stop. 

Keep reminding yourself how good of a person you are and that you deserve happiness/respect/trust.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Deejo said:


> What I do know is that it won't be any easier after the holidays than it would be next week.
> 
> It never gets easier. But once you do it, and get by the heartache, there will distinctly be moments where it feels good, and right.


I just worry with Thanksgiving and Christmas coming up, how it's going to affect my son.
That's the only reason...I'm set to go, and often wanna run!

Cause you know what? Even though I'm asking for a seperation, I am 99.9% sure there is nothing that will make me want to go back. I can't say 100% b/c miracles do happen....but I think we both know it!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Happy to support you Just!
> 
> I had a session w my therapist today where I actually told her the same thing "I feel bad being the bad guy" she asked me why and I gave her similar reasons. She reminded me of all the things he has done outside our marriage that obviosuly show he isn't in line with any of the goals we originally set. She said I need to build courage and that it isn't fair for me or my health to keep living in doubt and fear.
> 
> ...



Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Although I've gone thru this many times in my head....this time is different and I am grieving this marriage, friendship and love I've lost.....so sad


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> What I do know is that it won't be any easier after the holidays than it would be next week.
> 
> It never gets easier. But once you do it, and get by the heartache, there will distinctly be moments where it feels good, and right.


Deejo you are so right - it never gets easier and it won't be easier after the holidays than next week or week after...

Just - it sounds like a part of you feels like you want things to work out - even though you say you're 99.9% sure you say you cannot say 100% b/c miracles can happen.

Be strong!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JAG, I definitely feel what you're saying about the whole holiday thing... I thought about holding all this stuff inside me till after the holidays, but like some others said, there's always something else. Eventually, it seems like there's one weekend in mid-July where I could deliver the news with minimal impact.  I don't know that I could have held things inside for another 2 months, in any case. 

So in the end, I decided to start the process (thus my thread that you replied to about starting counseling sessions and stuff). Things are moving forward slowly, but they are moving forward. And yes, I expect that things will be strained this holiday season, but I do expect that we'll still be together in some form this holiday. I don't think that anything will come up to the kids before the holidays are over, though... This will be a time for my wife and I to work through some things. Obviously, if things break down to the point of separation, that's not going to fly for too long.

Anyway, good luck. I also can appreciate you being 99.9% sure. 

C


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> JAG, I definitely feel what you're saying about the whole holiday thing... I thought about holding all this stuff inside me till after the holidays, but like some others said, there's always something else. Eventually, it seems like there's one weekend in mid-July where I could deliver the news with minimal impact.  I don't know that I could have held things inside for another 2 months, in any case.
> 
> So in the end, I decided to start the process (thus my thread that you replied to about starting counseling sessions and stuff). Things are moving forward slowly, but they are moving forward. And yes, I expect that things will be strained this holiday season, but I do expect that we'll still be together in some form this holiday. I don't think that anything will come up to the kids before the holidays are over, though... This will be a time for my wife and I to work through some things. Obviously, if things break down to the point of separation, that's not going to fly for too long.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I really would like to know how you went about it....
Like, I've already told him I want to separate, but I've given him no reason to believe that....

Part of my reason for waiting too is I'm trying to plan everything.
Where I'm gonna live etc...so, part of it is timing too.

If you'd like to private message me, please do.
Did you sit down?
Write it down?
Did you tell him when HE could see the children?
Hit him with it, give him time and re-addressed it?

This is what I'm really struggling with right now.....

M


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JAG,

First off, this PBear is a boy bear. 

Our "big talk" was a sit-down talk. I'd been thinking about it a long time, building up stress and tension inside. So I knew pretty much what I wanted to say. As it happened, I've been working from home lately, and she's had some time off work, so I did it on an afternoon when we had a few hours before the kids would be home. At the time, I didn't know if I was going to be heading off to a hotel that evening, or I'd be sleeping on the couch, or what.

Right now, we're still in a "trying to work through things" stage, although I suspect it will change in the not to distant future. In my mind, the chances of reconciling are very slim, but I've been quiet about that in our talks. The therapist I talked to supported this approach. She's at her first therapy session even as I type this, and then we've got a joint one at the end of the month. If I can put off announcing any dramatic changes till after the holidays though, I think that would be my goal. 

I did "hit her with it" (as you said) to give her time to think about it before this counseling session. Basically bringing things out in the open that things aren't good, haven't been good for a long time, and that they need to change. We've had another couple of talks since then, but I really didn't want to say too much until we have our joint counseling session. My big concern was that she will just want to address "my issues", and won't think about what's causing her to behave the way that she does. So I've really tried to avoid muddying the waters. 

I would suspect that I'll be the one moving out, for a number of reasons. We live in a small town just outside a larger city, and there's very few rentals in town. She works in town here, and I work in the city, so it just seems to make sense (to me, right now at least). Plus her work schedule has already been set up around being off when the kids are off school, so again it gives them the stability that I think is important.

I've gone through a budget already, figuring out what our current expenses and income are, and how it can look when a split is made. Trying to make sure it's as fair as possible, and that way I know what my budget will be for things like a rental and stuff. So when the time comes to separate, I've got a good idea of what I can afford, and where. About 90% of our income comes in my name, so my responsibilities will include making sure it's distributed fairly. Unfortunately, it's looking like keeping the family house is not in the cards long term.

When the time comes to say "We've done what we can, we need to separate", I would expect to take action pretty quick (like within a week). The big thing will be how that's presented to the kids, and I'm hoping that the counseling sessions will help with the best way to handle that. My primary focus throughout this is minimizing the impact on the kids, as they're the innocent bystanders throughout. I THINK my wife will be on-board with this, but apparently separation and divorce does weird things to people, from the posts in forums like this.

It would be much more difficult if I was taking the kids with me, though, so I don't envy you that at all... I don't know how I'd handle that. Don't suppose you can move into his parent's empty house? For their grand-child's sake?

I must say that if my spouse started talking to the kids about a separation in advance, I'd likely be upset about it as well. The only time that would be acceptable (to me) would be in a case of abuse or alcohol/drug problems, and the separation was going to have to be done in surprise. But that's just the way I see things, based on my situation. Not judging! 

Guess I could have PM'd you instead of hijacking your thread... 

C


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

I really feel for you. You were one of the first to answer my post, and now I think I need to help you. You are better than this. I am going through exactly what you are right now. Living in the same house with a man you can't even talk to is horrible. I have been going through this for awhile. I have taken a couple of weekends and went to my sister's and believe me I feel so much better when I am away from him then when I am with him it is unbelievable. There is no tension or anything. It is me just being me. I want to get back to me and quit worrying about him. He doesn't really matter anymore just like your husband does not matter anymore. We need to live our lives for us and quit worrying about others. I know you have a child, so it is a little harder, but I am sure the tension is felt between you two. Anyways, I hope this helps you a little and you can move on and be happy...because I think we both need to.  Take care of yourself.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

heavenleigh said:


> I really feel for you. You were one of the first to answer my post, and now I think I need to help you. You are better than this. I am going through exactly what you are right now. Living in the same house with a man you can't even talk to is horrible. I have been going through this for awhile. I have taken a couple of weekends and went to my sister's and believe me I feel so much better when I am away from him then when I am with him it is unbelievable. There is no tension or anything. It is me just being me. I want to get back to me and quit worrying about him. He doesn't really matter anymore just like your husband does not matter anymore. We need to live our lives for us and quit worrying about others. I know you have a child, so it is a little harder, but I am sure the tension is felt between you two. Anyways, I hope this helps you a little and you can move on and be happy...because I think we both need to.  Take care of yourself.


Thank you so much!
I can't believe I've gotten to this place! I can't believe he isn't and doesn't mean what he used to! But I'm so tired, and I appreciate those who, instead of telling me what I've done wrong or what I need to do, have offered words of encouragement.

I wish you the best in your situation, I hope to change mine the first of the year....I'm sad and excited but definately ready to live for me and my son.

God bless you!


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

heavenleigh said:


> I feel so much better when I am away from him then when I am with him it is unbelievable. There is no tension or anything. It is me just being me. I want to get back to me and quit worrying about him. He doesn't really matter anymore... need to live our lives for us and quit worrying about others.


Well said heavenligh. I noticed the same thing - that I am happier when I am not with him, I'm able to just be me. Realizing this is what makes me believe leaving him is teh best thing to do. Need to live for me and not for others.

P.S. Recently picked up "Honor Your Self" by Patricia Spadaro - really great read - empowering.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

JAG

Women never, ever, ever leave without somebody waiting in the wings. Maybe a little honesty so we could you better advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

zsu234 said:


> JAG
> 
> Women never, ever, ever leave without somebody waiting in the wings. Maybe a little honesty so we could you better advice?


That's a pretty unfair generalization, wouldn't you say?

C


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## heavenleigh (Sep 13, 2010)

That is so untrue. When you finally come to the realization that you cannot and will not be treated this way anymore and have been treated badly for many years, you just get fed up. No matter how nice I try being and doing things for him...he doesn't change. I am just so tired of being treated badly, so I figure it is time to move on and live my life for me and not him anymore. It's a little difficult when you are buying a house, have debt together, etc. but once you finally get fed up, you don't care about all that..you just want out. I know I do and I will get there one day....freedom from the abuse and neglect. I cannot wait for that day to come and I am going to make that happen soon without a man waiting in the wings for me!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

PBear said:


> JAG,
> 
> First off, this PBear is a boy bear.
> 
> ...


Oh no! This is perfectly fine! I needed to hear this!
See, I've made up my mind, so everyone trying to give me marrital advise is a waste at the moment.

I plan to sit him down I guess...although, it hasn't made a difference in the past. But this time, I will have the date I'm leaving, where I'm going etc to tell him. He won't like it, but our relationship has always been about what he likes/dislikes. He (of course) would say differently but it's b/c he's never been forced to see anything but his side. See, I've asked him to go to therapy, he refused and doesn't believe in it....so as long as he doesn't have to face himself, he can keep pointing the finger at me. I've learned alot in therapy about myself and him. 

I plan to offer him joint custody of our son, he needs his Dad as much as he needs me....and I'm thinking of my son when doing so. I'm not going to ask for child support, and how can I? He doesn't report his earnings and on paper, it looks like he doesn't have a job, but he also doesn't collect unemployment either.
I'm sure if he pushes me to get an attorney or file papers (separation papers aren't required in SC) then a judge would probably kick him out of the house and give me temp custody. But see, I'm trying to be fair...trying to be a good parent to my son. And if I felt like we were friends anymore, I'd say I was trying to be a good friend. I've gone to see an attorney, all she needs is for me to retain her and she can file separation papers and set a court date. The judge would decide who lives where and how our son's schedule is set up....but I don't want to have to do that. You have to be separated for a year (not living together) before you can file for divorce. I'm not sure I want to divorce, but I'm sure I want to separate.

Ok, now I'm getting long winded.....


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

zsu234 said:


> JAG
> 
> Women never, ever, ever leave without somebody waiting in the wings. Maybe a little honesty so we could you better advice?



Yeah, there is....ME!
I understand why you would think that, but not every woman who leaves her husband is for another man.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

> I feel so much better when I am away from him then when I am with him it is unbelievable. There is no tension or anything. It is me just being me. I want to get back to me and quit worrying about him.


With this feeling, do you every feel 'guilty' for it? I mean, I completely feel and understand JustAGirl and you. And NO, not all women who want out has someone in the waiting. I personally know I missed out on being indepedendt, being ME on my own, my own person. And now, I feel aweful for wanting that for myself as life is too short. Yet, I too cannot bear the pain I will bring upon two others in life...my H and DD. So...how do you get to that point? All I hear from others is "remember your daughter...you will have to live with what you will do to your daughter" H says he doesn't want me out of guilt. He wants me happy. Although can't bare thought of it being without him, says if that's only way I can be, it needs to be done. Then continues on with filling more guilt in my head. Sometimes I feel maybe a PA would be easier it would be 'concrete' reason. So sad. Never thought in 40yrs I would be here, in this situation. Entire family all married, no divorces. Now, I feel the failure of it all. 

I wish you much luck JustAGirl! I so feel for you and the mental stress you go through in doing what is right. Doing what is right should not be this difficult.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

JAG, what you're planning on doing makes sense to me. It's unfortunate that you can't get support from him for your son, especially if you might need it. Up here, I think they're more "forceful" in having you demonstrate how you can afford your lifestyle of you don't have a job. 

If he's not willing to consider what he might need to improve on, I wouldn't have a lot of patience for trying to hold things together. My wife also said that she doesn't agree with the counseling, but is going because I insisted. And I fully agree with both you and emotionalwreck... We have to do what's right for ourselves as individuals. I know in my current relationship, I'm not the Dad I know I can be, and want to be. I see glimpses of that Dad sometimes, but they're becoming fewer and further between. My kids deserve better.

Emotionalwreck, unfortunately I'm breaking new ground for our immediate families too, although my sister ended a common-law relationship years ago. No kids involved in that one, though. I'm trying to avoid putting that pressure on myself though... I've got enough other issues and pressures to work on.

C


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> With this feeling, do you every feel 'guilty' for it? I mean, I completely feel and understand JustAGirl and you. And NO, not all women who want out has someone in the waiting. I personally know I missed out on being indepedendt, being ME on my own, my own person. And now, I feel aweful for wanting that for myself as life is too short. Yet, I too cannot bear the pain I will bring upon two others in life...my H and DD. So...how do you get to that point? All I hear from others is "remember your daughter...you will have to live with what you will do to your daughter" H says he doesn't want me out of guilt. He wants me happy. Although can't bare thought of it being without him, says if that's only way I can be, it needs to be done. Then continues on with filling more guilt in my head. Sometimes I feel maybe a PA would be easier it would be 'concrete' reason. So sad. Never thought in 40yrs I would be here, in this situation. Entire family all married, no divorces. Now, I feel the failure of it all.
> 
> I wish you much luck JustAGirl! I so feel for you and the mental stress you go through in doing what is right. Doing what is right should not be this difficult.


I felt guilty at first, but since all the times I've tried to sit down and talk to him (we have TERRIBLE communication) about what's going on *and what isn't*, asking him to go to therapy, asking him for a separation, I believe I've done all I can. My therapist calls this "passive aggressive". He is forcing my hand to do something/anything to make changes. Changes that I've asked of him (little things, you know, like have sex w/your wife or let's do more stuff together and as a family). He isn't the only one that needs to change now, it's me! So yeah, now not so much guilt as...well, I'm not sure of the word I would use to describe it. 

Life is short, and I intend on being happy. My son deserves a happy Mom....one that doesn't retreat to the bedroom or is depressed....I'm ready for both of us!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> With this feeling, do you every feel 'guilty' for it? I mean, I completely feel and understand JustAGirl and you. And NO, not all women who want out has someone in the waiting. I personally know I missed out on being indepedendt, being ME on my own, my own person. And now, I feel aweful for wanting that for myself as life is too short. Yet, I too cannot bear the pain I will bring upon two others in life...my H and DD. So...how do you get to that point? All I hear from others is "remember your daughter...you will have to live with what you will do to your daughter" H says he doesn't want me out of guilt. He wants me happy. Although can't bare thought of it being without him, says if that's only way I can be, it needs to be done. Then continues on with filling more guilt in my head. Sometimes I feel maybe a PA would be easier it would be 'concrete' reason. So sad. Never thought in 40yrs I would be here, in this situation. Entire family all married, no divorces. Now, I feel the failure of it all.
> 
> I wish you much luck JustAGirl! I so feel for you and the mental stress you go through in doing what is right. Doing what is right should not be this difficult.





PBear said:


> JAG, what you're planning on doing makes sense to me. It's unfortunate that you can't get support from him for your son, especially if you might need it. Up here, I think they're more "forceful" in having you demonstrate how you can afford your lifestyle of you don't have a job.
> 
> If he's not willing to consider what he might need to improve on, I wouldn't have a lot of patience for trying to hold things together. My wife also said that she doesn't agree with the counseling, but is going because I insisted. And I fully agree with both you and emotionalwreck... We have to do what's right for ourselves as individuals. I know in my current relationship, I'm not the Dad I know I can be, and want to be. I see glimpses of that Dad sometimes, but they're becoming fewer and further between. My kids deserve better.
> 
> ...


I agree with you 100%! I too have noticed what an affect this marriage is having on me and the "MOM" my son is used to. I'm dying inside a little each day and I want to live!

I want to be happy and not feel an overwhelming amount of stress when I walk thru the door. Do what I need to do and feel good about it. Be me instead of this person I am now....

Thanks so much for your wisdom...I will gladly take any advise you feel like sharing!

M


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