# Private messaging people of the opposite sex



## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Last night, I was scrolling through Facebook about to go to bed when I got a friend request from some guy. I normally don’t accept friend requests from random people unless I have mutual friends with them. So, I checked to see if we had any mutual friends and it turned out that we did have a few. I saw that he was friends with my husband’s sister and stepsisters, so I figured it would be fine. A few minutes after accepting his request, I was about to put my phone down and go to bed when I got a message saying “__________ is waving at you”. I ignored it, but then a few minutes later he messaged me saying “what’s up”. Again, I ignored it and went to bed. I just didn’t feel it was really appropriate to be engaging in a private conversation, that my husband can’t see, with some guy on Facebook. This morning I asked my husband if he knew anyone by that name and he said no. I wanted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he was just trying to be friendly but the fact that he messaged me privately late at night, and the fact that he didn’t send my husband a friend request, makes me think otherwise. At the same time, I tend to overthink things so I could just be reading too much into it. I had thought about responding to him because I was worried I’d come across as rude if I didn’t, but then I decided not to because I just didn’t feel comfortable with it. Also, it’s obvious that I’m married and have children. It says on my Facebook page that I’m married and I also have my profile picture set to a photo of myself, my husband and our 3 children, so it’s not like he didn’t know. What do you think? Is it ever appropriate for a married person to send private messages to someone of the opposite sex?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

He's fishing. Fishing to get into your pants. I would imagine he does this with dozens of prospects regularly just to get a nibble here and there.

Tell me, why would you friend someone on Facebook ( F**kbook) that you do not know?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I agree the guy is fishing. He is a stranger to you, unfriend him and keep it that way.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

If you don't feel comfortable talking to a stranger, then don't, no matter what that reason may be. You are right: you are married and out of respect for your family, you chose not to engage.

Good for you. You owe that guy nothing.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Well, as I said, I don’t accept requests from people if we have no mutual friends. But if we do have mutual friends, it’s usually fine. I’d say 98% of people on my friends list are people that I’ve personally met, but there are a few that I have not, but we do have mutual friends. Also, with it being so obvious that I’m married, I really wasn’t expecting to get hit on (if that’s what you think he was doing). Do you think I should unfriend him?


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

september_sky said:


> Well, as I said, I don’t accept requests from people if we have no mutual friends. But if we do have mutual friends, it’s usually fine. I’d say 98% of people on my friends list are people that I’ve personally met, but there are a few that I have not, but we do have mutual friends. Also, with it being so obvious that I’m married, I really wasn’t expecting to get hit on (if that’s what you think he was doing). Do you think I should unfriend him?


Hell yes. Unless the mutual friends have something good to say about him, drop him hard with no apologies. I'm the same way on FB- no mutual friends then it's a no-go. I'm not on FB for 'hook ups' either.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

VibrantWings said:


> Good for you. You owe that guy nothing.


And that includes politeness. We ignore our instincts and walk right into danger for fear of being rude if we don't. You listened to your gut. Good for you.

Decide for yourself and set your boundaries. If you don't think it's appropriate for a married person to send private messages to someone of the opposite sex, then don't accept private messages on that basis. Stick to what you determine and don't fear being rude to people.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's fishing. Unfriend and block.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

That's what some of these Facebook player types do ...... throw out tons of friend requests and then tons more to the people on the friend lists of folks credulous enough to add them.

That's probably why you have several mutual friends. A fake friend network to rope in women he wants to, ahem, befriend.

I never add anyone I do not know personally. Scam artists abound. Not just horn-dogs, like yours was. There are all types of con men and con women out there.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Thanks for your input everyone. I just now unfriended him. I guess part of it is me being naive thinking that no one is going to show interest in someone that’s clearly married. Personally, if I was looking for someone, I would never go after a married person, but I realize that there are all kinds of people out there, and not everyone is like me. According to his profile, he’s married too.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

september_sky said:


> Is it ever appropriate for a married person to send private messages to someone of the opposite sex?


In the situation you described, no.

With regards to the question you posed, since there are innumerable possible variables....maybe yes.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

september_sky said:


> Thanks for your input everyone. I just now unfriended him. I guess part of it is me being naive thinking that no one is going to show interest in someone that’s clearly married. Personally, if I was looking for someone, I would never go after a married person, but I realize that there are all kinds of people out there, and not everyone is like me. According to his profile, he’s married too.


There are men who actually prefer to seek out married women. They hope to find someone who is lonely and will do anything for attention if they are being neglected by their spouse. Then they can do things with you sexually and send you back to some other guy without any responsibility attached.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you are close to your SIL, why don't you ask her how well she knows him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

september_sky said:


> Thanks for your input everyone. I just now unfriended him. I guess part of it is me being naive thinking that no one is going to show interest in someone that’s clearly married. Personally, if I was looking for someone, I would never go after a married person, but I realize that there are all kinds of people out there, and not everyone is like me. According to his profile, he’s married too.


Of course he's married. I would have been very surprised if he weren't. Married men are usually looking for a side piece -- not a serious relationship -- and they think a married woman will be less likely to get emotionally attached because she doesn't want to end her marriage any more than they do. Unfriending him was a good choice.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have a number of female friends on Facebook. Some married. I can honestly say I never thought of hitting on any of them.

There are some real creeps out there.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

september_sky said:


> Well, as I said, I don’t accept requests from people if we have no mutual friends. But if we do have mutual friends, it’s usually fine. I’d say 98% of people on my friends list are people that I’ve personally met, but there are a few that I have not, but we do have mutual friends. Also, with it being so obvious that I’m married, I really wasn’t expecting to get hit on (if that’s what you think he was doing). Do you think I should unfriend him?


Ok let's think about this,,..,.,,....,.........................,,....................,....... 6 hrs pass, hell yes... I know l know


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Mine is strictly family and close friends I've known for years. You may have mutual friends,but then that may only be because they friend requested your friend. Something like 'six degrees of separation' only in reverse?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Accepting someone's request because you have mutual "friends"? How do you even know if the mutual friends even know the other person? 

I don' accept any request unless they are someone I met, and I don't dislike them.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I have some family members who are not my contacts on FB. If I haven't talked to them in a few years, they are clearly not that close to me. The same thing with people I know or I used to know. That way I avoid drama and gossip. I used to enjoy FB, now it's full of the same old news, political arguments, gossip and drama!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Someone's personal criteria for adding or not adding someone as a friend is not the topic of this thread, so I will not get off on that period however, now that he has shown he has boundary issues and is private messaging you, I would definitely delete and block him. I think your boundaries are solid and you are definitely honest and transparent with your spouse. So there is nothing wrong with how you have handled this in my opinion


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I would delete and block. I have plenty of male friends on fb and it’s a very rare occurrence that I would private message any of them.
I had someone I knew from mutual friends add me a while back and he immediately started liking all my pictures and eventually started messaging me “hey beautiful”... blocked him. Turns out he loves to try and talk with married women. There are some real weirdos out there, from now on I don’t add people that I know from mutual friends!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

september_sky said:


> Well, as I said, I don’t accept requests from people if we have no mutual friends. But if we do have mutual friends, it’s usually fine. I’d say 98% of people on my friends list are people that I’ve personally met, but there are a few that I have not, but we do have mutual friends. Also, with it being so obvious that I’m married, I really wasn’t expecting to get hit on (if that’s what you think he was doing). *Do you think I should unfriend him?*


Yes you should.

Just prior to our wedding I got a friend request and some PM's from a bloke. We had a mutual friend who is lovely, so I thought it would be fine. At first the messages were innocuous enough, but then they started to make me feel uncomfortable. When he said that he wished it was him marrying me I told him to knock it off, out of respect for my fiance I didn't feel this was appropriate and didn't wish to continue the conversation. Then I unfriended him, showed my fiance so there would be no misunderstandings if this bloke contacted him and told him I'd turned it on for him then I blocked him.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

There can also be some misunderstandings caused by a change in FBs “friend acceptance” protocol. You’re now, according to FB, supposed to “wave” at your new friend. Huh??? It implies a degree of friendliness that it shouldn’t. Many of us are pretty transparent people who do t mind having “friends” who are simply interested in what we might have to say. But that doesn’t mean, yet implies, that we want to have private conversations with them. But FB makes it seem like that’s normal. 

It is not normal. FB is way out of line on this.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I accept all friend requests that are not spam because I don't think of them as "friends" but rather people whos info I get to see. For me FB is a way to interact with parts of the population I would not run into in normal life. (probably bad if I ever need a clearance since one is clearly a Russian troll and quite amusing to follow).

I have lots of female friends of FB, don't think anything of it as long as the conversation doesn't drift toward anything sexual


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

september_sky said:


> Well, as I said, I don’t accept requests from people if we have no mutual friends. But if we do have mutual friends, it’s usually fine. I’d say 98% of people on my friends list are people that I’ve personally met, but there are a few that I have not, but we do have mutual friends. Also, with it being so obvious that I’m married, I really wasn’t expecting to get hit on (if that’s what you think he was doing). Do you think I should unfriend him?


Yes you should unfriend him.
The truth is you don't know him.
Mutual friends or not, you don't know him.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> Accepting someone's request because you have mutual "friends"? How do you even know if the mutual friends even know the other person?
> 
> I don' accept any request unless they are someone I met, and I don't dislike them.


If we only had one mutual friend, I would say yea, he might just be some random person that our mutual friend accepted. However, we have like 4 mutual friends. My husband’s sister, my husband’s 2 stepsisters, and my husband’s stepmom. It also said on his profile that he lives around the same area as them, so it looks like he’s someone that they personally know. As someone else on this thread said, just because you are “friends” with someone on FB doesn’t mean you want to have a private conversation with them. If I had known that I was going to be getting private messages from this guy at 1 AM, I would not have accepted his request.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Imho accepting all friend requests isn't a good idea. There are those that use FB for commercial and criminal purposes. 

There's no doubt about that happening. 

And many times a friend of a friend is indeed on the hunt for a get together, either party being M not being important. 

Remember, when one posts, unless restricted and routinely checked, the post goes to all friends, known or not.

If one posts about being on a trip, others then know your home is potentially empty, ripe for burglaries. 

Common info, I know, but sometimes the FB conveniences out strip our "smarts" so good to say.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

september_sky said:


> If we only had one mutual friend, I would say yea, he might just be some random person that our mutual friend accepted. However, we have like 4 mutual friends. My husband’s sister, my husband’s 2 stepsisters, and my husband’s stepmom. It also said on his profile that he lives around the same area as them, so it looks like he’s someone that they personally know. As someone else on this thread said, just because you are “friends” with someone on FB doesn’t mean you want to have a private conversation with them. If I had known that I was going to be getting private messages from this guy at 1 AM, I would not have accepted his request.


I understand. 

However, you don't seem like the type who wants to feel popular by having a large friend count, so if you don't personally know them, what benefit is there to accepting the friend request? 

No one knows who might turn into a creep, thankfully you can unfriend and block.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Easiest rule of thumb

If you are texting someone and wouldn’t mind your significant other looking over those texts it’s fine. If you would want to hide them because it could be a “misunderstanding”. You’re in the wrong and shouldn’t be done. I think in this case that just was looking for more than friendship for sure


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> That's what some of these Facebook player types do ...... throw out tons of friend requests and then tons more to the people on the friend lists of folks credulous enough to add them.
> 
> That's probably why you have several mutual friends. A fake friend network to rope in women he wants to, ahem, befriend.
> 
> I never add anyone I do not know personally. Scam artists abound. Not just horn-dogs, like yours was. There are all types of con men and con women out there.


This makes sense. He probably doesn't know any of them. If he is only friends with the women that you know, he probably did the same thing to them and is building a network that he can draw from. Eventually he'll get responses and work on each one to get what he wants. Creepy.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think you might want to add 'something in common' besides "mutual" friends. This will give you a lot better odds of you not having to deal with this again. That guy is thinking you're up for some game or why else would you friend him. You asked if you were 'that naive', I'd say it looks that way. It's great that you have morals and seem like an honestly nice person, you just need to recognize that there are millions of people who aren't. What did your husband think about the waves and the message at 1 am.?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Messaging is fine as long as everything is on the up and up.

This fellow seems suspect and creepy.

You noticed he was friends with other women but how about the men they are with or friends with?

He might just be a wannabe player using FB for a hunting ground.

He wouldn't be the first.


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I think you might want to add 'something in common' besides "mutual" friends. This will give you a lot better odds of you not having to deal with this again. That guy is thinking you're up for some game or why else would you friend him. You asked if you were 'that naive', I'd say it looks that way. It's great that you have morals and seem like an honestly nice person, you just need to recognize that there are millions of people who aren't. What did your husband think about the waves and the message at 1 am.?


I told him what happened the next morning and said I didn’t think he would be comfortable with me chatting with random guy on FB late at night and that I didn’t really feel comfortable with it either which is why I ignored him. I asked him if I was right in feeling that he would be uncomfortable and he eventually said yes. I asked him if he thought the guy was just trying to be friendly or if he was after something more and that’s when my husband said something like “well he didn’t send ME a friend request”, insinuating the latter. For some reason, he tries to act like he doesn’t care about stuff like that. I don’t know if he thinks he’s just not allowed to show emotion or if he just doesn’t want to come across as jealous/possessive. In this scenario, I wouldn’t blame him for having an issue. That was actually the main thing that stopped me from having a conversation with this guy. On one hand, I didn’t want to come off as rude by ignoring him, but on the other hand, I thought “would I like it if my husband was engaging in a private conversation late at night on FB with some strange woman?”. And the answer is no, absolutely not. So how could I blame him for having a problem with something that I would have a problem with too? I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and I’m still fairly young (28). I just personally would never show interest in a man that’s obviously married with children so it’s hard for me to imagine why anyone else would want to do that. Especially considering the fact that he’s supposedly married as well. I’ve accepted friend requests in the past a few times from people that I’ve never met but we had mutual friends. They’ve never private messaged me or even really said anything to me, so I expected this time to go the same way. After this, I’m thinking I will only accept people that I’ve met in person.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

That's a great way you analyzed this. Would you be ok if the shoe were on the other foot thing?

Nice going


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

he's clearly fishing... friend of friends... I have received requests from ladies, friends of friends, and I have accepted it, but I was never stalked... this is really creepy...


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Imho accepting all friend requests isn't a good idea. There are those that use FB for commercial and criminal purposes.
> 
> There's no doubt about that happening.
> 
> ...


Not only that but those "games" that circulate on FB are used by hackers to get your information. I routinely see my friends post answers to these "get to know you games" that ask you to list pet's name, street where you grew up, etc. These are typical security questions on accounts that can allow you to reset a password. NEVER post the answers to these games online!


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## Talk2Me (Mar 22, 2019)

My g/f gets tons of unsolicited messages on FB. She ends up blocking the guys and always shows me but guys are ruthless. I've had women do the same to me but not near the same volume that she gets.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Did you notice where he is from?
Many are hunting for a green card.
This happens to me constantly on my FB.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why is anyone on Facebook anymore!


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Why is anyone on Facebook anymore!


We're old


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## september_sky (May 17, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Did you notice where he is from?
> Many are hunting for a green card.
> This happens to me constantly on my FB.


Well that would explain why I’ve gotten so many requests from so many random middle eastern guys. I’ve never accepted any of course. This guy lives in Florida around the same area where our mutual friends live.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> Why is anyone on Facebook anymore!



To keep in touch with a huge extended family.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

september_sky said:


> Well that would explain why I’ve gotten so many requests from so many random middle eastern guys. I’ve never accepted any of course. This guy lives in Florida around the same area where our mutual friends live.


Sounds to me like some people on your friend list have been accepting every single friend request that they have ever received. Do any of your Facebook friends have like 8000 friends on their list?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

september_sky said:


> After this, I’m thinking I will only accept people that I’ve met in person.


A good rule of thumb is to allow 24-48 hours between receiving a message and replying. Someone contacting you for a legitimate reason will only do so sporadically and usually does not need a reply right away. 

Meanwhile someone looking for something more that just a plutonic message will want an immediate reply and gratification. By making communications painfully slow, those folks will loose interest and hopefully move along. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

september_sky said:


> Last night, I was scrolling through Facebook about to go to bed when I got a friend request from some guy. I normally don’t accept friend requests from random people unless I have mutual friends with them. So, I checked to see if we had any mutual friends and it turned out that we did have a few. I saw that he was friends with my husband’s sister and stepsisters, so I figured it would be fine. A few minutes after accepting his request, I was about to put my phone down and go to bed when I got a message saying “__________ is waving at you”. I ignored it, but then a few minutes later he messaged me saying “what’s up”. Again, I ignored it and went to bed. I just didn’t feel it was really appropriate to be engaging in a private conversation, that my husband can’t see, with some guy on Facebook. This morning I asked my husband if he knew anyone by that name and he said no. I wanted to give the guy the benefit of the doubt and say that maybe he was just trying to be friendly but the fact that he messaged me privately late at night, and the fact that he didn’t send my husband a friend request, makes me think otherwise. At the same time, I tend to overthink things so I could just be reading too much into it. I had thought about responding to him because I was worried I’d come across as rude if I didn’t, but then I decided not to because I just didn’t feel comfortable with it. Also, it’s obvious that I’m married and have children. It says on my Facebook page that I’m married and I also have my profile picture set to a photo of myself, my husband and our 3 children, so it’s not like he didn’t know. What do you think? Is it ever appropriate for a married person to send private messages to someone of the opposite sex?


I think that there are a few married women that would and this guy knows it. I wonder how far he has gotten with your husband’s sister and sister-in-laws.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

september_sky said:


> Well, as I said, I don’t accept requests from people if we have no mutual friends. But if we do have mutual friends, it’s usually fine. I’d say 98% of people on my friends list are people that I’ve personally met, but there are a few that I have not, but we do have mutual friends. Also, with it being so obvious that I’m married, I really wasn’t expecting to get hit on (if that’s what you think he was doing). Do you think I should unfriend him?


Yes. Then watch for reactions from your relative.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Meanwhile someone looking for something more that just a plutonic message will want an immediate reply


Not sure if it will be immediate... flying to Pluto takes a while! Sorry... couldn't resist... :smile2:


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

september_sky said:


> I told him what happened the next morning and said I didn’t think he would be comfortable with me chatting with random guy on FB late at night and that I didn’t really feel comfortable with it either which is why I ignored him. I asked him if I was right in feeling that he would be uncomfortable and he eventually said yes. I asked him if he thought the guy was just trying to be friendly or if he was after something more and that’s when my husband said something like “well he didn’t send ME a friend request”, insinuating the latter. For some reason, he tries to act like he doesn’t care about stuff like that. I don’t know if he thinks he’s just not allowed to show emotion or if he just doesn’t want to come across as jealous/possessive. In this scenario, I wouldn’t blame him for having an issue. That was actually the main thing that stopped me from having a conversation with this guy. On one hand, I didn’t want to come off as rude by ignoring him, but on the other hand, I thought “would I like it if my husband was engaging in a private conversation late at night on FB with some strange woman?”. And the answer is no, absolutely not. So how could I blame him for having a problem with something that I would have a problem with too? I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and I’m still fairly young (28). I just personally would never show interest in a man that’s obviously married with children so it’s hard for me to imagine why anyone else would want to do that. Especially considering the fact that he’s supposedly married as well. I’ve accepted friend requests in the past a few times from people that I’ve never met but we had mutual friends. They’ve never private messaged me or even really said anything to me, so I expected this time to go the same way. After this, I’m thinking I will only accept people that I’ve met in person.


Or he trusts you, that could be why. 

Or he sees it as weakness to come across jealous or possessive. Everyone knows there is a lot of saying your husband is “just” jealous, insecure or possessive going on here at TAM. 

I think you handled the situation really great.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

september_sky said:


> Is it ever appropriate for a married person to send private messages to someone of the opposite sex?


Yes, of course. You are making too much of the "private" part of PM. All that means in actuality is it's not being broadcast to the rest of the group setting, be it Facebook friends, or others in the chat room. The appropriateness of it comes not from the messaging, but from the content of the messages. There are a myriad of possible reasons what a married person might PM, or as we used to call it Instant Message (IM) someone. And it's not like you are hiding it from your husband, right?

Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

Messaging someone from the opposite sex can be dangerous. It destroyed my second marriage. 
My wife became friends on Facebook with a man who had gone to high school with her brother's wife. Seemed innocent enough at the beginning. Found out 6 months later they were having an affair. Not saying everyone would go this route, but why risk it?


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