# Sex as parents



## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Hi all,

New here, please don't bite 

While all women and circumstances are different, just interested to know how things worked out with everyone else after child bearing.

After having your first kid, did you guys eventually end up enjoying sex again? Also, would you please share if cesareans made any impact to "getting it back on"? 

My personal situation is having been married for 5 years. Sex was great at the beginning. Then came the kid (3 yo) and haven't really had sex since (only around 3-4 grudging encounters in the past 3 years). I believe the problem is a mix of mental, emotional AND physical, but I'm experimenting on the mental part lately to see if I get interesting results.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

stamina said:


> Hi all,
> 
> New here, please don't bite
> 
> ...


Welcome. I do not believe it is normal to only have 3 or 4 encounters in 3 years. Something is terribly wrong.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

We were back at it six weeks or less after birth. Glad you came here to ask. A sexless marriage will usually not last. Three years is a long time.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

stamina said:


> Hi all,
> 
> New here, please don't bite
> 
> ...


Right after my child was born sex was lacking. It was physical. We then had some sex but not as much pre-child that was mental, being in mommy mode and being tired.

However 3-4 begrudging encounters in 3 years is way beyond my experience.

Many women get in mommy mode and this can impact is they feel sexy. Then there is often times women feel self conscious about their body and the changes after a birth which can also make her feel less sexy. Lastly, when kids come home the work load increases exponential if you aren't pulling your weight this can cause resentment. 

Have you and your wife talk about this at all?
How have you approached this?


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Right after my child was born sex was lacking. It was physical. We then had some sex but not as much pre-child that was mental, being in mommy mode and being tired.
> 
> However 3-4 begrudging encounters in 3 years is way beyond my experience.
> 
> ...


Hi Anastasia,

In terms of pulling my weight: Up till two days ago, I did all the cooking, all the dishes, all the vacuuming/mopping, all the maintenance work around the house, and the rest of the chores are shared (i.e. half the laundry, getting the kid ready for daycare, showering him) etc. She works part time, I work full time. She doesn't earn much but she earns well for what she does and she would not agree to give up on having a job. I respect that and won't suggest to take that away from her.

Have talked to wife about this but I don't think I'm getting the truth. In all fairness, maybe she doesn't know the truth herself. It went from being tired, not tonight, or the classic "oh that's unlucky of you - I just started my period".... After around 1 year, I wised up and recognised that they weren't real reasons, she was stalling me until she could fling me a legit excuse. We've been seeing counselling and the suggestion was to connect more. Guess that's the problem on my end as I find that we've run out of things to talk about. We lie in bed, each with our own phones. It's addictive and I hate it.

Read heaps online about what a guy like me could do to respark the romance - giving her flowers were a no because she doesn't like them. I read somewhere else that women find it sexy when a guy goes and does the dishes but I already got that covered. And a guy like me, breakfast in bed is far from a rarity. 

Oh, and she hates it when I say that I did pretty much everything around the house. With a considerable amount of defensiveness. In hindsight I think it is possible that me hogging all the chores may have given her some form of weird existential crisis. In my defense, I tend to do things when I find that it's not done - probably a bit of OCD but I just can't stand seeing dirty dishes in the sink or every other chore that isn't done. Which is how I end up doing most of the stuff.

So recently, I came up with an alternative theory that laziness begets laziness, while the opposite is also true. She also has a bit of depression a while back which I though she was well past (she saw another counselor before on her own and we thought it was resolved). Two days ago, I told her I wanted to start an experiment, where for the whole of this month, she would do ALL the cooking, ALL the dishes, and I'll take care of the kid and also pitch in with the laundry here and there. She happily accepted and was surprisingly quite enthused with all the meal planning. Can't wait to see what the data is at the end of the month, but I am hoping that it should make jump start her energy levels. The increased contribution to this relationship might also come with an increased feeling of self-worth.

Only 28 more days to go until I find out!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hey there! Are you the male or the female?


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Hey there! Are you the male or the female?


Wow. I just re-read my original post and found that I made it extremely neutral. LOL sorry about that. I'm the dude.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sorry, you posted before I read your response. 

Look, I have quite a few female friends that sound like your wife. (One sounds exactly the same, down to the number of kids and the period comments.) All she talks about is how she avoids sex and wants to leave him. (But she hasn’t, because she knows no other man is going to pull that sort of weight around the kids or her 🙄)

And interestingly, the husbands are all doing a lot of housework! And bending over backwards to please their wives, very hands on with the kids. 

And the wives’ issues started with complaints about the men not doing enough. 

I have known one of them since I was 11, we even shared house together. So I can go back far enough to tell you she was never maternal, never really into sex much. And plain lazy. A plain old taker in every way, said so herself. 

Sorry, some people are just cold and lazy and lack any motivation to care much about anyone. She is giving you all the excuses. It may be just who she is. 

If she’s tired and you’re not helping, she’ll say that’s the reason. If you’re doing to much, eventually you’re outshining her in her woman’s role. 

So what you’re doing so far sounds like it’s working - she’s excited about the meal planning. I’d keep reducing the house stuff and give it another few months and see the results? 

What you really want is a woman who just want to rip your pants off. Everyone deserves that, I hope you get there. But what you’re describing is pretty terrible - only 3 times???


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Dump her, then live your best life!


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Sorry, you posted before I read your response.
> 
> Look, I have quite a few female friends that sound like your wife. (One sounds exactly the same, down to the number of kids and the period comments.) All she talks about is how she avoids sex and wants to leave him. (But she hasn’t, because she knows no other man is going to pull that sort of weight around the kids or her 🙄)
> 
> ...


Thanks. 3 or 4. What worries me is the grudging part where she just lies there like a dead fish praying that the sex would just be over and done with. Before we got married and up till the kid, sex was really good. She actually came a lot, to the point that she'd ask me to cum because how many times she came already and would pass out of I keep it up (a few times she couldn't remember anything as she did blank out). I hope she wasn't faking all that time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

First thing, ban the phones from the bedroom.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

I was a single mom when my daughter was born, so sex was the last thing on my mind. With my son, we didn’t wait for the 6 week checkup, but around 2-3 weeks, sex started decreasing, as I was going through postpartum depression. My son is now 4 and sex has increased to 2+ times a day. I might say, sex has gotten so much better in the last few months.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Have you considered post natal depression? That's what it sounds like to me. Left untreated it could go on for years.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Have you considered post natal depression? That's what it sounds like to me. Left untreated it could go on for years.


We have indeed. Hence the counseling before. That's what I should have clarified when I mentioned depression, sorry. She's been through that therapy and we thought it was a done deal. Do these things tend to relapse?


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

staceymj86 said:


> I was a single mom when my daughter was born, so sex was the last thing on my mind. With my son, we didn’t wait for the 6 week checkup, but around 2-3 months, sex started decreasing, as I was going through postpartum depression. My son is now 4 and sex has increased to 2+ times a day. I might say, sex has gotten so much better in the last few months.


2+ times a day?! Wow! That's like pre-child bearing levels for us!!


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> We have indeed. Hence the counseling before. That's what I should have clarified when I mentioned depression, sorry. She's been through that therapy and we thought it was a done deal. Do these things tend to relapse?


Yes they do. I had postpartum depression with both kids, which spilled into me going to therapy for my depression and PTSD now.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> 2+ times a day?! Wow! That's like pre-child bearing levels for us!!


That’s a goal that we set, but every once in a while it don’t happen. Kids can definitely put a damper on being in the mood.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

staceymj86 said:


> Yes they do. I had postpartum depression with both kids, which spilled into me going to therapy for my depression and PTSD now.


I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. That sounds horrible. I'm guessing postpartum depression is another name for postnatal depression (which was what my wife went to the first counselor for). You also have PTSD and another form of depression on top of that? Did it all come from childbirth?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Pick up:

The Dead Bedroom Fix by @dadstartingover

Read or listen to that. If that doesn’t give you some ideas then get

The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

Actually just get both. If you’re still scratching your head about choreplay you need both badly.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Pick up:
> 
> The Dead Bedroom Fix by @dadstartingover
> 
> ...


Thanks. I actually bought that book just about an hour ago, after reading another thread that mentioned it. Will start reading another night - kinda promised my wife no phone and computer in bed tonight so we can try focus on each other.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

That’s some interesting back story about how it was before. 

That was another complaint my friend had when she was single - she said she would orgasm quickly and then feel annoyed if her partners went any longer. Her actual words were, ‘wish they’d hurry up and get off’. (We have all been married now for 2 decades, so we don’t talk very specifically now, other than the women who mention they’re not enjoying it or not having it). 

Again, I think you’re married to a taker. 

Here’s a test, offer to massage her, do it a few times and then after a few weeks, tell her how sore your shoulders are. See if she offers one. If she doesn’t - ask for one. 

Aside from sex, are you having to beg for everything or does she offer you any form or nurturing or care in any way? Freely?


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> That was another complaint my friend had when she was single - she said she would orgasm quickly and then feel annoyed if her partners went any longer. Her actual words were, ‘wish they’d hurry up and get off’. (We have all been married now for 2 decades, so we don’t talk very specifically now, other than the women who mention they’re not enjoying it or not having it).


Interesting. Was your friend able to achieve multiple orgasms like my wife had (again, assuming she wasn't faking this the entire time).



Luckylucky said:


> Again, I think you’re married to a taker.


You're right. Not so surprisingly as I'm definitely a giver.




Luckylucky said:


> Here’s a test, offer to massage her, do it a few times and then after a few weeks, tell her how sore your shoulders are. See if she offers one. If she doesn’t - ask for one.


Interesting challenge - I can always use the fact that she's cooking all of a sudden as a ruse to initiate this. Thanks!



Luckylucky said:


> Aside from sex, are you having to beg for everything or does she offer you any form or nurturing or care in any way? Freely?


Come to think of it, it is really hard to say. Besides asking her to pass me things ranging from a hammer to garlic, I don't really ask her for much. Maybe the occasional back scratch? I don't think she's ever refused that though. Would you be suggesting that I should "depend" on her more? Would make sense as I do see myself as quite self sufficient. Honestly before making her do the cooking, she was effectively just my pet house cat. Maybe buying that back scratcher may have been a poor choice of mine as it made redundant the only nurturing act I ever asked her for? Didn't think that much when I got it to be very honest. It was like a $2 stick!


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Can I also ask did anyone have medical issues that physically prevented them from enjoying sex? What am I looking at and what should I do? I know the obvious answer is "go see a doctor", but I want to get as much information from first-hand experiences as I can for now.

My wife seems very non-committal over the whole thing, as she doesn't view her asexuality to be an issue (at least not for her), so I can only imagine that the only way to get her to the doctors is when we reach the ultimatum stage, which I don't want to get to. Even asked me once "why do you want sex?" (I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question, but I felt really belittled and rejected at that time).

Did you guys need to take supplements (I suggested horny goatweed to her and she said no, she doesn't want to take any medication)? Was there surgery involved to get you back on track?


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> I am so sorry to hear what you're going through. That sounds horrible. I'm guessing postpartum depression is another name for postnatal depression (which was what my wife went to the first counselor for). You also have PTSD and another form of depression on top of that? Did it all come from childbirth?


The PTSD came from work and I always suffered from depression.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> Thanks. I actually bought that book just about an hour ago, after reading another thread that mentioned it. Will start reading another night - kinda promised my wife no phone and computer in bed tonight so we can try focus on each other.


No phone and computer in bed sound like a great idea to focus more on each other.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> Interesting. Was your friend able to achieve multiple orgasms like my wife had (again, assuming she wasn't faking this the entire time).
> 
> 
> You're right. Not so surprisingly as I'm definitely a giver.
> ...


If she had multiple orgasms before kids, she can still have them now. With the right person I achieve multiple orgasms and it has actually increased after child birth. Everybody is different though.


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> Can I also ask did anyone have medical issues that physically prevented them from enjoying sex? What am I looking at and what should I do? I know the obvious answer is "go see a doctor", but I want to get as much information from first-hand experiences as I can for now.
> 
> My wife seems very non-committal over the whole thing, as she doesn't view her asexuality to be an issue (at least not for her), so I can only imagine that the only way to get her to the doctors is when we reach the ultimatum stage, which I don't want to get to. Even asked me once "why do you want sex?" (I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question, but I felt really belittled and rejected at that time).
> 
> Did you guys need to take supplements (I suggested horny goatweed to her and she said no, she doesn't want to take any medication)? Was there surgery involved to get you back on track?


I haven’t had any medical issues relating to not wanting sex when I went through the not wanting sex stage, which I tended to go through with each of my relationships including my current one. I don’t know why it happened, but I did ask my fiancé the same question, and he felt the same way you did. He said he always wanted to have sex because he was and is still physically attracted to me. He’s always thinking about having sex with me is also what he said.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

staceymj86 said:


> The PTSD came from work and I always suffered from depression.


Yikes!! What line of work are you in?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I have been there. We resumed our sex life 4 months after our children were born. Every time. I also tended to do everything in the house. Sounds to me it's a mix of depression and lack of libido. Three years is quite a long time, so it's difficult for me to suggest anything, because you are already doing it. Maybe, like me, you are one of those unlucky chaps whose wife lost her libido after birth. It happens.

P.S. Is she on anti-depressants?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

stamina said:


> After having your first kid, did you guys eventually end up enjoying sex again? Also, would you please share if cesareans made any impact to "getting it back on"?


I have been married twice, with my ex-wife and I having one child together and my now wife and I having two children together. With both women we resumed sex, within a few weeks after having each child. Plus we maintained a high sexual frequency throughout both of my marriages. Including before marriage, after marriage and throughout each pregnancy then afterwards.

Likewise I have also had a few sexual partners who were parents of babies, toddlers and pre school aged kids, who also were up for lots of shared sex as well.

While I have also been with another woman who recently pregnant and another who heavily pregnant with another mans child. With both of them also being very keen for lots of sex.

As to cesareans having any impact, I have no experience of such since my now wife and ex-wife gave birth vaginally. That said with my now wife, she suffered tearing and required stitches with giving birth to our second child together. Which saw us obliged to wait six weeks before we started sharing penetrative sex again.



> My personal situation is having been married for 5 years. Sex was great at the beginning. Then came the kid (3 yo) and haven't really had sex since (only around 3-4 grudging encounters in the past 3 years). I believe the problem is a mix of mental, emotional AND physical, but I'm experimenting on the mental part lately to see if I get interesting results.


I concur that this is certainly a mental and emotional issue, since your wife is apparently loathe to have sex with you. And anti-depressants may be a significant contributing factor as well. 



stamina said:


> In terms of pulling my weight: Up till two days ago, I did all the cooking, all the dishes, all the vacuuming/mopping, all the maintenance work around the house, and the rest of the chores are shared (i.e. half the laundry, getting the kid ready for daycare, showering him) etc. She works part time, I work full time. She doesn't earn much but she earns well for what she does and she would not agree to give up on having a job. I respect that and won't suggest to take that away from her.


It is a mistake to believe that doing more housework, will see you get more sex. If you want more sex, you will have to be someone who generates more sexual desire.



> Have talked to wife about this but I don't think I'm getting the truth. In all fairness, maybe she doesn't know the truth herself. It went from being tired, not tonight, or the classic "oh that's unlucky of you - I just started my period".... After around 1 year, I wised up and recognised that they weren't real reasons, she was stalling me until she could fling me a legit excuse.


Unfortunately your definition and my definition of "wising up" are clearly at odds. Since in my book if you had wised up you would have divorced your wife, following her unilateral withdrawal of sex before the first year was out.



> We've been seeing counselling and the suggestion was to connect more. Guess that's the problem on my end as I find that we've run out of things to talk about.


Do you even actually like each other, let alone love each other. Since all that you describe, doesn't seem like either of you do.



> Read heaps online about what a guy like me could do to respark the romance - giving her flowers were a no because she doesn't like them. I read somewhere else that women find it sexy when a guy goes and does the dishes but I already got that covered. And a guy like me, breakfast in bed is far from a rarity.


Non sexual things do not generate sexual desire!

The fact that you have lapped up such nonsense doesn't bode well for you.

That said since all of that kind of schtick has got you nowhere, you should now be cognisant of the fact that such nonsense doesn't generate sexual desire.



> So recently, I came up with an alternative theory that laziness begets laziness, while the opposite is also true. She also has a bit of depression a while back which I though she was well past (she saw another counselor before on her own and we thought it was resolved). Two days ago, I told her I wanted to start an experiment, where for the whole of this month, she would do ALL the cooking, ALL the dishes, and I'll take care of the kid and also pitch in with the laundry here and there. She happily accepted and was surprisingly quite enthused with all the meal planning. Can't wait to see what the data is at the end of the month, but I am hoping that it should make jump start her energy levels. The increased contribution to this relationship might also come with an increased feeling of self-worth.
> 
> Only 28 more days to go until I find out!


Having her do all the chores isn't going to get you sex either.



stamina said:


> Thanks. 3 or 4. What worries me is the grudging part where she just lies there like a dead fish praying that the sex would just be over and done with.


This really is not the behaviour of someone who enjoys the sex they share



> Before we got married and up till the kid, sex was really good. She actually came a lot, to the point that she'd ask me to cum because how many times she came already and would pass out of I keep it up (a few times she couldn't remember anything as she did blank out). I hope she wasn't faking all that time.


Are you sure it was really good, since what you describe elsewhere would bore plenty of women to tears. Of which if I were you, I would be highly skeptical of your wife's orgasm experiences with you.



stamina said:


> Interesting. Was your friend able to achieve multiple orgasms like my wife had (again, assuming she wasn't faking this the entire time).


If I got a dollar for every time guy, visits this forum complaining about a dead marital sex life with a woman who orgasms on multiple occasions all of the time. I would be extraordinarily rich indeed.

The disconnect is extraordinary.



stamina said:


> Can I also ask did anyone have medical issues that physically prevented them from enjoying sex? What am I looking at and what should I do? I know the obvious answer is "go see a doctor", but I want to get as much information from first-hand experiences as I can for now.


Hmmm physical issues, my wife got hit by a speeding car, as we crossed a road when we were dating. That ended sex for a few weeks while she recovered. Likewise she broke her leg at work on one occasion, which saw a few weeks off sex again. Then later she had surgery for a problem that was constricting her breathing, so that saw sex wane for a few weeks as well. Plus in very recent years, my wife has survived breast cancer, which saw sex drop off momentarily following surgery and some treatment for that. Yet outside of the few weeks required for physical issues to heal, we've gone right back to always sharing lots of sex together because it feels good, every week as we go along.

That said you are likely to be barking up the wrong tree, if you think you sure your wife's desire to avoid sex with you is a physical medical issue.



> My wife seems very non-committal over the whole thing, as she doesn't view her asexuality to be an issue (at least not for her), so I can only imagine that the only way to get her to the doctors is when we reach the ultimatum stage, which I don't want to get to. Even asked me once "why do you want sex?" (I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question, but I felt really belittled and rejected at that time).


A doctor can't make your wife desire you sexually.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I have been there. We resumed our sex life 4 months after our children were born. Every time. I also tended to do everything in the house. Sounds to me it's a mix of depression and lack of libido. Three years is quite a long time, so it's difficult for me to suggest anything, because you are already doing it. Maybe, like me, you are one of those unlucky chaps whose wife lost her libido after birth. It happens.
> 
> P.S. Is she on anti-depressants?


No. In fact, that first counselor (primarily for her but wanted to see me during one of the sessions) didn't even want to classify it as depression. She referred to it as her "down moments" or something, so I guess based on her professional assessment, it wasn't full fledged depression.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Personal said:


> A doctor can't make your wife desire you sexually.


What if she said it hurts?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

stamina said:


> No. In fact, that first counselor (primarily for her but wanted to see me during one of the sessions) didn't even want to classify it as depression. She referred to it as her "down moments" or something, so I guess based on her professional assessment, it wasn't full fledged depression.


I wouldn't underestimate it, though. I've been through a long phase of depression and my doctor never recognised it, saying I wasn't clinically depressed. I guess I didn't look or acted depressed, but I was. Deeply. Also, my wife is a classic example. You would never know. But I have read her diary. Terrifying stuff.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

stamina said:


> What if she said it hurts?


What hurts?


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## staceymj86 (Apr 14, 2020)

stamina said:


> Yikes!! What line of work are you in?


Us postal service.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

stamina said:


> I read somewhere else that women find it sexy when a guy goes and does the dishes but I already got that covered. And a guy like me, breakfast in bed is far from a rarity.


You read wrong!
You are bending backwards and in her eyes you are becoming to feminine!



stamina said:


> Even asked me once "why do you want sex?"


A woman asks a man why do they want sex?? really!!

I think your wife used you as a sperm donor and a provider for her child, and now a house made, you got conned!
Unless you want to watch porn and use your hands in the toilet secretly like a teenage boy, read Athol's Kay book and start applying the MAP in the his book!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

stamina said:


> What if she said it hurts?





Personal said:


> What hurts?





Kaliber said:


> I think your wife used you as a sperm donor and a provider for her child, and now a house made, you got conned!


 i think yes your wife used you as a sperm donor and now help pay the bills and be there for the long nights to look at tv together 
it hurts if it hurts her when you enter her it is her mind has shut down any thing to do with sex 
her mind is acting the same way as if she is been raped 
it is how my wife felt after her rape 
we would get to a point and then she would kick out like as if something had got to the point that it was too much for her 

if this is the case she does need help


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

stamina said:


> Hi all,
> 
> New here, please don't bite
> 
> ...


It has been a long time since our children were born, but still well recall BOTH of us chomping at the bit for the downtime prescribed by the doctor to end. We had the calendar marked and crossed off the days together every morning. There was no "eventually" to it.

All of my wife's deliveries were vaginal, but in two cases there was some tearing that had to be repaired, so recovery took a little longer because we didn't want PIV to be painful. With the first she experienced a displaced tailbone so was in a lot of pain until that healed. She thankfully never had a "C" section so can't comment on that. BTW, while we waited we still did what we could lol.

My wife during labor with our first told me loudly that I was never going to do "that" again to her. After delivery she apologized, and we did "that" as soon as the Doctor's orders allowed lol.

In your wife's case, her asking you why do you want sex with her seems very strange, as if she is saying she has no interest. And a three year dry spell is way too long. Maybe childbirth traumatized her so badly that she never wants to risk that again. Hormones are also maybe out of whack.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

stamina said:


> What if she said it hurts?


I had physical issues after child birth. Does your wife say it hurts?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think yes your wife used you as a sperm donor and now help pay the bills and be there for the long nights to look at tv together
> it hurts if it hurts her when you enter her it is her mind has shut down any thing to do with sex
> her mind is acting the same way as if she is been raped
> it is how my wife felt after her rape
> ...


You know it can actually hurt right. To advise him it’s in her mind can be so damaging


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You know it can actually hurt right. To advise him it’s in her mind can be so damaging


 what I am trying to say is her has little or no control over the way her body tries to fight the penis her body can go into contractions , 
a hypnotherapist could help if she can find a one some doctors do use it


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Painful Sex in Women


WebMD looks at problems that could cause pain during sex for females and ways to avoid and/or treat them.




www.webmd.com


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> what I am trying to say is her has little or no control over the way her body tries to fight the penis her body can go into contractions ,
> a hypnotherapist could help if she can find a one some doctors do use it


What I'm saying is there is more than phycology that can happen after child birth. There is physiology as well. I can assure you that mine was not a mental issue. But left untreated or having an uncaring spouse could certainly change it into a mental issue.


Childbirth—Women who have had an episiotomy or tears in the perineum during childbirth may have pain during sex that may last for several months. Treatments include physical therapy, medications, or surgery.





__





When Sex Is Painful


Painful sex has many possible causes. Successful treatment depends on finding the right cause and sometimes trying different treatment options.




www.acog.org





I asked OP how he has treated it when she said she was in pain. 
That question still stands.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Re asking about medical issues, I mentioned I have several friends similar to your wife, one has spoken of painful sex from the beginning, even before kids. 

He must have given her an ultimatum because she did go and see a doctor! (I had been telling her she should have done it years ago). She did have some tests and they all showed nothing and that’s when she went quiet. I pressed her about it again, and she got very defensive and said, ‘I think it’s psychological’ and quickly went on to her usual complaining about him not being around home enough, asking her to cook sometimes and asking for sex again. 😔 it’s a difficult situation, he’s doing everything he can poor guy, he’s a good friend to my husband. We’re very close and while I listen and don’t push her too much, even my subtle hints to put out or he’ll leave her fall on deaf ears. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She seems to make small attempts here and there (like visiting the doctor), but they don’t last long and I don’t actually think he’s getting any sex.

I honestly asked her if she would worry if he did find someone new, young, attractive and she said she didn’t care. But she’s also done nothing in 13 years to divorce him.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Re asking about medical issues, I mentioned I have several friends similar to your wife, one has spoken of painful sex from the beginning, even before kids.
> 
> He must have given her an ultimatum because she did go and see a doctor! (I had been telling her she should have done it years ago). She did have some tests and they all showed nothing and that’s when she went quiet. I pressed her about it again, and she got very defensive and said, ‘I think it’s psychological’ and quickly went on to her usual complaining about him not being around home enough, asking her to cook sometimes and asking for sex again. 😔 it’s a difficult situation, he’s doing everything he can poor guy, he’s a good friend to my husband. We’re very close and while I listen and don’t push her too much, even my subtle hints to put out or he’ll leave her fall on deaf ears. 🤷🏻‍♀️ She seems to make small attempts here and there (like visiting the doctor), but they don’t last long and I don’t actually think he’s getting any sex.
> 
> I honestly asked her if she would worry if he did find someone new, young, attractive and she said she didn’t care. But she’s also done nothing in 13 years to divorce him.


 it is not easy for both people , the man can feel that no matter what he does it is as if he is to rough , also 
he can feel it is too much like hard work , 
all so it is like a lot is out of your hands
for the woman it is 10 times worse , 
she feels like her body is acting against her 
no matter how much she loves her husband her body rejects him


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Hi all, signed off a bit because we wanted a night with no mobile devices. Didn't end well and so another sleepless night for me. Currently reading that "the dead bedroom fix" book. Shocking to find that all my efforts are apparently moot and freakishly described my scenario to a tee. Ah well. I'm still up to the part where I'm reading all the don't do's...and checking all those boxes too lol. Guess I have become weak and have just been a provider for her.

in fact the moments leading up to sleeplessness which made me give up and go back to screen time to read the book, I was doing exactly "mistake #5" oh hohohoho if I was in America, I would have shot myself by now.


also when I said it hurts, I mean physical pain from sex. I ask because she does wince a bit. But let's hope that is just a lack of arousal.

I feel the book is helping as it does describe and fit my situation. I am still scared that the ultimate solution is to end up in a divorce given how long its been and the lack of willingness for my wife to contribute to this. I said I would like her to initiate sex sometimes and she literally hit me with "why would I initiate something I don't even want??" And "could we please just have sex right now so I can get you off my back already??"

I don't think she's getting what I want. I want her to make love with me and want me. Maybe I should have made that phrase more generically and went with "I want a woman to make love with me and want me".


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I had C-sections with both deliveries, and sex was really painful for about a year after my second. Maybe two? Not so much after my first. I swear your body thinks you delivered vaginally and tightens everything back up. At least, that's what it felt like for me. Add to that being essentially plunged into menopause by breastfeeding, and the resulting thinning of vaginal walls and dryness, and yeah. I am HD so worked around it, but it took a lot of lube and a LOT of creativity. My exH was not helpful in working around my issues, so there was definitely resentment on my end after. If I wasn't so HD, it would have been much, much worse. Especially when he started acting like the workarounds were an inconvenience to him. I would probably have quit having sex with him if I wasn't so into sex.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

northernlights said:


> I had C-sections with both deliveries, and sex was really painful for about a year after my second. Maybe two? Not so much after my first. I swear your body thinks you delivered vaginally and tightens everything back up. At least, that's what it felt like for me. Add to that being essentially plunged into menopause by breastfeeding, and the resulting thinning of vaginal walls and dryness, and yeah. I am HD so worked around it, but it took a lot of lube and a LOT of creativity. My exH was not helpful in working around my issues, so there was definitely resentment on my end after. If I wasn't so HD, it would have been much, much worse. Especially when he started acting like the workarounds were an inconvenience to him. I would probably have quit having sex with him if I wasn't so into sex.


Ah so it DOES happen ... Maybe my wife wasn't being dishonest after all.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Really, I think it was more painful for me than my vaginal delivery friends! Hopefully not TMI, but I had to give exH an orgasm first, then when it was shrinking down but still erect enough to work with, I could get it in. This went on for more than a year. Plus a ridiculous amount of lube. He definitely acted like he was hugely inconvenienced by my needs, which was the least of our problems but didn't help. We're happily divorced now!!


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Not tmi at all. We're all relatively anon here so thank you for your sharing. If anything, I found your strategy slightly amusing


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I thought it was some grade A creative problem solving!! But really, as bad as the issue was physically, it was only an intimacy problem because my ex didn't value sex enough to put effort into working around it.

Is your wife still nursing? I nursed my second until she was 4, that definitely played a part in my hormone levels for about 3 years.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

No, she hardly produced any unfortunately, so my baby was mainly formula. But I did notice she still lactated quite a bit about a year after she stopped trying to nurse. 

I gave her 3 years as a benefit of a doubt. Again, maybe the mistake of being a 'nice guy' mentality that is definitely backfiring, because some here were saying that they would have been out within a year of my situation.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

stamina said:


> she doesn't view her asexuality to be an issue


Are you actually sure she is asexual? What do you know about her whereabouts when outside the house?

You are roommates. She hasn't been into you for quite a while.

The main crux of this issue for you is that you can't control others, including her. She has to fix this herself. Your actions will not change this ( although you want to keep your side of the street clean). If she doesn't admit or acknowledge the issue, she definitely is not trying to fix it, so there is no end in sight for you.

This means you need to take steps to get her to realize that she has serious issues in her marriage, due to her completely cutting off intimacy. All the flowers, chores, etc. will not get her any closer to admitting and then working on her issue.

You need to directly tell her that she is killing your relationship and marriage with this behavior and that you will not stand for it. You will make her decision to change the relationship from spouses to roommates official by divorcing.

You essentially have to be willing to lose the marriage to get it back. (Important thing to realize is that she pretty much already ended it, just didn't tell you).


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

The thing I've seen work here is to do the 180. Someone probably mentioned it already. But the mindset is, you'll work on yourself for your own sake, and for your child. If your relationship is salvageable, your wife might come around and join in on fixing things. But you start with you. I went more than a year without sex at one point, and a few years with really rare sex, and I think it made me so much stronger. It's hard to put it aside when it's consuming your thoughts, but hard things are worth doing (omg lol. I swear I'm not a teenage boy).

Your books are a great start.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Is this in the book I'm reading (dead bedroom fix)?

I think its there but slowly getting to that part. Would really appreciate if you can fast track me a summary.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com





Does TAM allow links? The 180 is usually discussed for spouses of cheaters, but it works more broadly than that.


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## ComplicatedBrain (Aug 3, 2021)

I think you need to have a very honest conversation with your S/O. My wife and I have three children and we were back at it within 6-10 weeks after each child. We don’t necessarily have as much sex as we did pre-children but still pretty regularly, probably once a week on average. A marriage without sex usually doesn’t end well.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, how much time do you and your wife spend together doing fun date-like things? What do you two enjoy doing together? What are her top emotional needs and are you meeting them?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

stamina said:


> Is this in the book I'm reading (dead bedroom fix)?
> 
> I think its there but slowly getting to that part. Would really appreciate if you can fast track me a summary.


You don't need to say a word to her!
You already did and you got: "why do you want sex?" 
In her eyes you will just look like a pathetic needy husband!

If you didn't, sign up for a gym membership, and go every day!
Start changing your wardrobe and hang out with your friends, come home late smiling and happy, be happy and always cool!
Don't tell her what you are doing or where you're going, just tell her your hanging out with your friends, never tell her if they are males or females!
Dress nicely, every day, even if your not going out, and use good perfumes!
*Actions speak louder than words!*

It's all in:
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 eBook : Kay, Athol: Amazon.com.au: Kindle Store
you will learn about the MAP, start with it!
You are simply preparing yourself to be in the market soon, if she comes around then good, otherwise you already have a good head start!
Be careful next time! you got some advice probably from some females, so you started doing the dished and done more chores around the house, this really backed fired on you!
It made you bend backwords and became a doormat!
Don't ask a fish how to catch a fish, ask a fisherman!

Update us about your progress, it will help others in your shoes!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

stamina said:


> Can I also ask did anyone have medical issues that physically prevented them from enjoying sex? What am I looking at and what should I do? I know the obvious answer is "go see a doctor", but I want to get as much information from first-hand experiences as I can for now.
> 
> My wife seems very non-committal over the whole thing, as she doesn't view her asexuality to be an issue (at least not for her), so I can only imagine that the only way to get her to the doctors is when we reach the ultimatum stage, which I don't want to get to. Even asked me once "why do you want sex?" (I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question, but I felt really belittled and rejected at that time).
> 
> Did you guys need to take supplements (I suggested horny goatweed to her and she said no, she doesn't want to take any medication)? Was there surgery involved to get you back on track?





stamina said:


> Hi all, signed off a bit because we wanted a night with no mobile devices. Didn't end well and so another sleepless night for me. Currently reading that "the dead bedroom fix" book. Shocking to find that all my efforts are apparently moot and freakishly described my scenario to a tee. Ah well. I'm still up to the part where I'm reading all the don't do's...and checking all those boxes too lol. Guess I have become weak and have just been a provider for her.
> 
> in fact the moments leading up to sleeplessness which made me give up and go back to screen time to read the book, I was doing exactly "mistake #5" oh hohohoho if I was in America, I would have shot myself by now.
> 
> ...


IMHO all of this reading books, doing "180s", NMMNG, going to the gym, do this/ dont do that etc just to get your wife to engage with you as she is supposed to WANT since she is married to you is just too much. It has been three damn years and she tells you to "get off of my back already" while you are trying to save a marriage that has been dead for three years.

Apologies, but in your shoes I would file ASAP. Whatever is wrong on her end, she has had years to HELP rectify it and has done nothing. This marriage thing is a COUPLE thing and it ain't up to just one partner to keep it humming. If she had/has a beef she should have opened her mouth and told you straight up. If she is in pain she should have told you, something is wrong I need to see a doctor. Instead she carried on with this farce for 36 months. I wouldn't waste 5 more minutes on her.

The books have one thing right. Stop doing *ANYTHING* for your "wife". No more gifts, no more housework, no more laundry. And, should the subject come up, no more sex either.You can get all you can stand of that once you get untangled from your "wife". Last thing you need is another pregnancy. Spend the extra time doing whatever *YOU* want to do. Do what you want, where, whenever, and how you want. She has essentially divorced you already without having the decency to formalize it.

Your generic wish is certainly possible, there is a world filled with woman who will treat you 1000% better than the one you are married to now, but you have to quit wasting your life with this one. And even if you never find another, how are you any worse off than the life you are living now?

I will surely get flamed, but couldn't help myself.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus the 180 is for him too.

If he becomes more desirable and figures out where he went wrong he may be able to avoid ending up in the same place again later.

His wife sounds completely checked out at this point and would probably laugh at his ultimatum if he got the stones to deliver one believing he wouldn’t go through with it. So I agree as soon as he’s ready to unleash it (and carry it out) he should do so.

One interesting here to me is what are you trying to preserve exactly OP? If you can’t talk with her and don’t seem to have fun with her she is a sex provider that closed for business?

It may make sense to try and salvage a romantic relationship with your life partner who is also your best friend, but someone you can’t even talk to? Not so sure...


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> going to the gym


Rus47, I agree with a lot of what you said, but however, the gym and 180 is good for him either way, he should be doing it regardless!
When I say the gym I mean working out to be ripped not just fit!
By going to the gym, dressing nice and working on himself is upping his sex rank (SMV)
You can have all the women you want, but if you're out of shape, slobby, couch potato you will end up with the same problem (AKA not attractive) and end up in a dead bedroom, assuming he is out of shape!

Ultimatums will only work if you have the upper hand!

@stamina, let me ask you this (and think really about it) if your wife knows that there are other women that find you attractive and would like a piece of you do you think she will neglect your needs and treat you like this?!

When your wife knows your prospect of finding another hot women (hotter than her) is zero and you became so available and complacent in your marriage she will just chuckle when you hit her with an ultimatum or maybe give you some duty sex (starfish sex) to shut you up and then things go back to what it was (dead bedroom) after a month or two!

Plus, who wants to give such an ultimatum?!
Look how this sounds: Either you have sex with me or I will divorce you!
Sounds really needy and pathetic!
What you want is for her to desire you!
And that only comes when you work on yourself and up your sex rank and when other women start to flirt with you then your wife will need to up her game to please you or she will know she will be replaced easily.
This is how it's done, no ultimatums ===> assuming you want your wife and you want to save the marriage!
And even if you had enough you still want to leave when YOU are ready!


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Rus the 180 is for him too.
> 
> If he becomes more desirable and figures out where he went wrong he may be able to avoid ending up in the same place again later.
> 
> ...


The lack of conversation issue may be more of my part - I just don't have anything to talk about. I'm generally a quiet person. It scares me that my little one needs to grow up in a broken family. Also I will miss her parents too. Weird, I know, but we are just way too similar. If you see her parents and us together, and observe what we do, you'd actually think I was their child.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Rus47, I agree with a lot of what you said, but however, the gym and 180 is good for him either way, he should be doing it regardless!
> When I say the gym I mean working out to be ripped not just fit!
> By going to the gym, dressing nice and working on himself is upping his sex rank (SMV)
> You can have all the women you want, but if you're out of shape, slobby, couch potato you will end up with the same problem (AKA not attractive) and end up in a dead bedroom, assuming he is out of shape!
> ...


very good points. Guess I'll need to start running laps.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

stamina said:


> very good points. Guess I'll need to start running laps.


Nope. Lift heavy stuff and eat a good diet.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Have you actually asked her what her needs are and why she’s rejecting you, and has the answer been the same each time? Anything that she’s asked of you during the time you’ve been together that you’re not doing? Is there a consistency to what she’s saying or does the answer/story change?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Nope. Lift heavy stuff and eat a good diet.


Ok, this OT: I have have never been "in the market" or "on the market" since was 16, been with the same woman my whole life. She was gorgeous then and now and I am as average as they come looks wise. Always wondered why the football players didn't make a play, but their loss was my gain.

But, I have had plenty of friends and acquaintances (also joe averages) over my lifetime who had no problem attracting more (jill average) females than they had time for, a lot of them ended up married. And, none of them were "ripped" gym rats. Most were height/weight proportionate. One acquaintance on my job, short, fat and dumpy with women after him continuously. He had attributes they loved that had nothing to do with his outward appearance. No he wasn't rich.

So while all of this advice to lift heavy stuff may be correct, I just haven't seen it in my own acquaintances. I used aerobics ( running ) with the wife to keep the weight off, something lifting weights can't do.

End T/J


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

In terms of conversation and not knowing what to say, a good conversationalist is a person who understands that most people like to talk about themselves. And there’s a certain way of doing this: could you show some curiosity? Also, talking means pausing to listen, women like to be listened to. If you can’t talk, use your body launguages and facial expressions to indicate you want to hear more. 

Like ‘how was your day’ can go into more questions or statements, ‘you look really happy today, how was work?’. If you’re talking about your child, follow up with a story or a memory about your own childhood, and then ask if she ever had the same experience. ‘Did you have a bad day today? Follow through with a sympathetic facial expression and body language that indicates you’re ready to listen.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I have an old female friend who is high drive, but giving birth to shut her down for over a year. She did have a cesarean, which is major. Like having a tummy tuck or any kind of abdominal surgery, it is normal for it to take a year or even more to feel up to par.

There are massive hormone changes when you have children, and though it's certainly variable, from what I've read on forums, between the hormone changes and the kids themselves, it seems to lean against making a woman a sexual ball of fire. 

She certainly doesn't sound like she's interested in doing it anymore. If you have ruled out postpartum depression and simple exhaustion, it may be beyond your control.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Nope. Lift heavy stuff and eat a good diet.


Yup, you need that V upper body shape!



DownByTheRiver said:


> I have an old female friend who is high drive, but giving birth to shut her down for over a year. She did have a cesarean, which is major. Like having a tummy tuck or any kind of abdominal surgery, it is normal for it to take a year or even more to feel up to par.
> 
> There are massive hormone changes when you have children, and though it's certainly variable, from what I've read on forums, between the hormone changes and the kids themselves, it seems to lean against making a woman a sexual ball of fire.
> 
> She certainly doesn't sound like she's interested in doing it anymore. If you have ruled out postpartum depression and simple exhaustion, it may be beyond your control.


That is true, giving birth does play a big role, however, we are talking three years, and she is not doing anything about it!
I will repeat what I said, sperm donor and a provider who pays the bells, no more no less.. really sad!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Kaliber said:


> Yup, you need that V upper body shape!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I would sit her down and just flat out ask her if she thinks she's ever going to be interested in sex again. I would not throw in that you are the bill payer and all that because that makes it sound like you're paying for it, and the problem with that is what would that make her. It's just not the right thing to say. 

You'r her husband so you have a right to just ask her not whether she will have sex which would be kind of a duty sex, but whether she thinks she'll ever feel like having sex again with you. I mean you deserve to know. And then try to just keep an even keel about it but let her know that if it's going to be as infrequent as it is, that is not something you would be willing to live with indefinitely. Maybe she will open up to you if there's any problems you need to know about, but there's also just the possibility she's either just in a non-sexual Mommy mode which can certainly happen or for whatever reasons she's just lost attraction or sex drive in general. Just keep in mind that your child is a toddler which is probably the most difficult age in the most exhausting which I'm sure I don't have to tell you since you are one of the parents. So is a time that can kind of take over your world.. some people are more compartmentalized than others. She may be so focused on motherhood that she is just lost interest in everything else. She may not even be that aware of it. I mean I've known a couple of guys who if they were having a bad time in their jobs couldn't deal with anything else or relationship during that time or anything because they were so compartmentalized. 

But you just need to ask her and not accuse and see if she'll be at all honest with you. Maybe she will at least visit with a gynecologist about it and or a psychologist if it's anything have a partner that is stemming from her body rather than her heart and mind. But if she's just losing attraction in general, then I hope she's at least honest so that you can exercise your options. Good luck.


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## stamina (Aug 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would sit her down and just flat out ask her if she thinks she's ever going to be interested in sex again. I would not throw in that you are the bill payer and all that because that makes it sound like you're paying for it, and the problem with that is what would that make her. It's just not the right thing to say.
> 
> You'r her husband so you have a right to just ask her not whether she will have sex which would be kind of a duty sex, but whether she thinks she'll ever feel like having sex again with you. I mean you deserve to know. And then try to just keep an even keel about it but let her know that if it's going to be as infrequent as it is, that is not something you would be willing to live with indefinitely. Maybe she will open up to you if there's any problems you need to know about, but there's also just the possibility she's either just in a non-sexual Mommy mode which can certainly happen or for whatever reasons she's just lost attraction or sex drive in general. Just keep in mind that your child is a toddler which is probably the most difficult age in the most exhausting which I'm sure I don't have to tell you since you are one of the parents. So is a time that can kind of take over your world.. some people are more compartmentalized than others. She may be so focused on motherhood that she is just lost interest in everything else. She may not even be that aware of it. I mean I've known a couple of guys who if they were having a bad time in their jobs couldn't deal with anything else or relationship during that time or anything because they were so compartmentalized.
> 
> But you just need to ask her and not accuse and see if she'll be at all honest with you. Maybe she will at least visit with a gynecologist about it and or a psychologist if it's anything have a partner that is stemming from her body rather than her heart and mind. But if she's just losing attraction in general, then I hope she's at least honest so that you can exercise your options. Good luck.


Thank you very much. Your thoughts above have allowed me to jot down a few note worthy "pulse checks" which I sat through with her and had a much calmer heart-to-heart discussion. I feel quite positive from this.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

stamina said:


> Thank you very much. Your thoughts above have allowed me to jot down a few note worthy "pulse checks" which I sat through with her and had a much calmer heart-to-heart discussion. I feel quite positive from this.


Sounds good, however be careful in getting sucked into her frame and allowing her to fully control the marriage pace and dictating the rules and how the relationship will look like, like what she is doing now!
You had a lot of "pulse checks" before and it got you no where!
There is a reason every woman out there when asked what they want in a man they always mention: *confidence.. *ALWAYS!
It is always in the top of the list if not the first!
Why they want confidence?* because it is all about leadership!*
You need to lead your family and set the frame!

@stamina here is chumpaward a posters who had an AHA moment and posted this on his thread after reading:
The Rational Male - Kindle edition by Tomassi, Rollo. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.



chumpaward said:


> Bought the rational male, on second chapter. Wow, I have been so blind. What blows my mind is that women are attracted alpha traits *(obviously for let's they want some beta "nesting" ability)* in a man mostly, but after they have you they begin this process of trying to mold you into a beta. *Then when they have completed the work and your this sniveling, obsequious, man servant they despise you for being that way.* *They have no desire for you because you've become pathetic to them. * What a complete mind $#@!. Women say they wish they could find a "nice guy" and wonder why there are non left. Well that would be because masculinity is called toxic. The culture cultivates beta males. I can't subscribe to the game method as a means to get sex, *but the concepts are essential to a healthy relationship.* I will spin plates as he says, but use this method to find the rare gem of a woman who still desires a masculine man. Once the frame is established I will keep it there or find the door if thats not possible. No more beta, no more AFC. A new red pill has awoken. Thank you my friend. Emotional tampon has left the building.


I will advice you to get the book it is three volumes btw, start with first one, what you about to read in this book you can never unlearn!
And here is another one that you really need to read to uncover some hard truths:
Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man - Kindle edition by South, Joseph. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would sit her down and just flat out ask her if she thinks she's ever going to be interested in sex again. I would not throw in that you are the bill payer and all that because that makes it sound like you're paying for it, and the problem with that is what would that make her. It's just not the right thing to say.
> 
> You'r her husband so you have a right to just ask her not whether she will have sex which would be kind of a duty sex, but whether she thinks she'll ever feel like having sex again with you. I mean you deserve to know. And then try to just keep an even keel about it but let her know that if it's going to be as infrequent as it is, that is not something you would be willing to live with indefinitely. Maybe she will open up to you if there's any problems you need to know about, but there's also just the possibility she's either just in a non-sexual Mommy mode which can certainly happen or for whatever reasons she's just lost attraction or sex drive in general. Just keep in mind that your child is a toddler which is probably the most difficult age in the most exhausting which I'm sure I don't have to tell you since you are one of the parents. So is a time that can kind of take over your world.. some people are more compartmentalized than others. She may be so focused on motherhood that she is just lost interest in everything else. She may not even be that aware of it. I mean I've known a couple of guys who if they were having a bad time in their jobs couldn't deal with anything else or relationship during that time or anything because they were so compartmentalized.
> 
> But you just need to ask her and not accuse and see if she'll be at all honest with you. Maybe she will at least visit with a gynecologist about it and or a psychologist if it's anything have a partner that is stemming from her body rather than her heart and mind. But if she's just losing attraction in general, then I hope she's at least honest so that you can exercise your options. Good luck.


This ^^^


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

stamina said:


> Can I also ask did anyone have medical issues that physically prevented them from enjoying sex? What am I looking at and what should I do? I know the obvious answer is "go see a doctor", but I want to get as much information from first-hand experiences as I can for now.
> 
> My wife seems very non-committal over the whole thing, as she doesn't view her asexuality to be an issue (at least not for her), so I can only imagine that the only way to get her to the doctors is when we reach the ultimatum stage, which I don't want to get to. Even asked me once "why do you want sex?" (I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question, but I felt really belittled and rejected at that time).
> 
> Did you guys need to take supplements (I suggested horny goatweed to her and she said no, she doesn't want to take any medication)? Was there surgery involved to get you back on track?


"Why do you want sex?" Because i want to feel emotionally connected to my wife.....otherwise i will quickly start feeling toward you as a sister. I do not do special things and go out of my way to please my sister. Is that good with you? If it is then i have some decisions to make.....turn and walk away and go somewhere.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Ok, this OT: I have have never been "in the market" or "on the market" since was 16, been with the same woman my whole life. She was gorgeous then and now and I am as average as they come looks wise. Always wondered why the football players didn't make a play, but their loss was my gain.
> 
> But, I have had plenty of friends and acquaintances (also joe averages) over my lifetime who had no problem attracting more (jill average) females than they had time for, a lot of them ended up married. And, none of them were "ripped" gym rats. Most were height/weight proportionate. One acquaintance on my job, short, fat and dumpy with women after him continuously. He had attributes they loved that had nothing to do with his outward appearance. No he wasn't rich.
> 
> ...


I have always thought the advice about lifting / getting in good shape etc, was all about personal self improvement and feeling good about yourself / improving your own confidence.

If you were to go to the gym 5 days a week for an hour for the next month, I guarantee you would feel better about yourself....

It's not so much about what others think about you and how attracted they are to you, it is about what you think about yourself. The side effect of being a more confident man is others finding you attractive, but that is not the real point of such advice.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

re16 said:


> I have always thought the advice about lifting / getting in good shape etc, was all about personal self improvement and feeling good about yourself / improving your own confidence.
> 
> *If you were to go to the gym 5 days a week for an hour for the next month, I guarantee you would feel better about yourself....*
> 
> It's not so much about what others think about you and how attracted they are to you, it is about what you think about yourself. The side effect of being a more confident man is others finding you attractive, but that is not the real point of such advice.


Actually if I felt better about myself than I do right now, wouldn't know how to handle it. Am in best health have ever been, retired with zero debt, travel covid permitting, married to love of my life with active life in *every* respect. I lift weights at home to maintain muscle tone and run 3 miles 4-6 days a week with the wife. We are in our mid seventies and can hike/run any of our kids or grandkids into the ground

Blessed beyond measure!

My opinion is that confidence, how we carry ourselves, whether we have a positive attitude, whether we like ourselves, how we treat others is way more important than whether we have the body of Charles Atlas or Marilyn Monroe( that will show my age lol ).

Gng stop debating to avoid T/J


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> In terms of conversation and not knowing what to say, a good conversationalist is a person who understands that most people like to talk about themselves. And there’s a certain way of doing this: could you show some curiosity? Also, talking means pausing to listen, women like to be listened to. If you can’t talk, use your body launguages and facial expressions to indicate you want to hear more.
> 
> Like ‘how was your day’ can go into more questions or statements, ‘you look really happy today, how was work?’. If you’re talking about your child, follow up with a story or a memory about your own childhood, and then ask if she ever had the same experience. ‘Did you have a bad day today? Follow through with a sympathetic facial expression and body language that indicates you’re ready to listen.


I will go out on a limb and suggest IMO that the OP spending time to learn better communication skills will help his self confidence and attractiveness to females more than the same amount of time pumping iron to get ripped. After all, there will always be someone *more* "ripped" if that is the only reason someone is attracted. Do you even *want* to attract that sort of attention, except for maybe ONS?

Have heard tons of stories from couples we know where the woman told us that "he made me laugh, he is so much fun to be with" as the reason they married their very average looking husband.

I think the ship has sailed regarding his wife wanting to be with him. So, he needs to focus on himself, and prepare for the NEXT woman in his life.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Only thing I can add is it does not matter whether she's not into sex with the O/P or lost her drive completely. If she's not willing to fix it he needs to bail.


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