# What should I do?



## northernlights19 (Jan 10, 2018)

I got married int he spring of 2016, we were both happy, and then we started to settle into life. That’s when things started to go downhill. I started to have a hard time with the way things were and the routine we were in so we started to become more distant. The romantic side of our relationship took a turn for the worst. 
We were arguing more, but still working through it.... fast forward to the family trip in the winter of 2016. 
When we got there I was hoping that it could be a weekend that would put us on the right track, but unfortunately it did the opposite. The Friday night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. 
Getting back to the hotel - He was drunk. ‘Completely inebriated’ as he says. When we got back to the hotel room he forced himself on me. (As I said, the romantic side of our relationship was suffering). Anyways, I was in pain, I was crying, and I was yelling at him to stop ... but he didn’t. When he was done I went and cried on the bathroom floor before getting in an argument with him until I passed out. 
That night changed my life. After that happened I pulled away, I distanced myself, and tried to overcome it... but I couldn’t. I kept having nightmares and I couldn’t look at him the same. I started to work more, and started kickboxing ... I needed to be busy. 
This is something he told his parents recently, and they basically said it happens in every relationship, and I just have to get over it. It’s been a constant argument over the past year because we both have differing opinions on sex and marriage. 
Maybe I’m wrong - but it was rape. 
So there I was, in pain and just needing to keep busy and move on... so I clung to friends. I started talking to my coworkers more, started hanging out with friends more because I needed people to talk to. 
I started talking to one person at work in particular because we always got along. We became really close friends and I began to trust him. I opened up and talked to him about things which is shocking because I never talk to anyone. 
Fast forward to July.... We had another family trip to the same spot, and I was terrified to go back, but I did it and he came. That month I also got extra close with that friend, and found out in August I was pregnant. September the pregnancy was terminated and I hated myself more than I ever have. 
After that day in September, I truly hit rock bottom ... I’ve cried more than I ever have, I’ve hated myself more than I ever have .. and I began to feel suicidal. To the point where I cut my arm. 
This friend was with me every step, making sure I wasn’t doing anything bad and talking to me and carrying me through it all. 
In him I found what I’ve been missing in my marriage all along. Just someone that supports me, and cares about me the way I need it. Without cutting me down and telling me things that make me wish I wasn’t alive. However, I still stuck with him... because I love my husband. 
December 2017 we were doing the same trip, except I didn’t want him to come this winter because of last year.. we were going back to the same hotel at the same time in the year and I was scared. We got in a fight because he says that I’m overreacting, that I’m blackmailing him and that it’s not fair because he was drunk.
We decided to be civil through the holidays as to not ruin anyone’s Christmas. And we started sleeping in separate beds. Getting back from New Years, I said I still needed space and to figure it out. 
Friday, I said I wasn’t coming home and he freaked out. He went through my computer and found out what I haven’t been able to tell him yet ... the incident that happened in September. 
Needless to say, he’s not talking to me. And I hate myself. I know what I’ve done is terrible and I know I’ll never be forgiven for the things I’ve done... I just hope one day I can be happy. 
I know it’s insane and it sounds like a movie... but it’s my life. I’m not proud of things I’ve done, but I know deep down we weren’t happy... and right now I’m just trying to get through this pain and find the light at the end of the tunnel because I’ve been wanting to disappear for far too long. 
Now, the only form of communication I have with him is via email because he and his entire family have deleted me out of their lives and blocked me from contacting them. Yet I know his emails are not coming through him. We met once and things were good... but now he's refusing to see me, his emails don't sound like him and he's saying he never wants to see me again. 
I just wanted to fight for us, and work through this and save our marriage... do you think there is hope? I have been with him for 10 years now, and I love him more than anything. I don't want to lose this.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

northernlights19 said:


> That month I also got extra close with that friend, and found out in August I was pregnant. September the pregnancy was terminated and I hated myself more than I ever have.


I'm sorry but I just want to be clear. Are you saying your friend got you pregnant, or your husband?


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I'm sorry your husband forced himself on you. Please seek therapy to work past this for yourself no matter what happens. You should not live afraid of a place because of what happened.

If your husband is telling you to just get over it because he was drunk that's a load of bull. His parents co-signing him doesn't help either. Drunkenness doesn't excuse assault. You still have trauma from it. 

Question: did you cheat on your husband with this friend while he was your support? Did your husband find out about that or about the self harm? 

Figure out what you really want. If you did cheat then, beyond all the other issues you've got to work through with your husband and some therapy, you've got a long road ahead of you.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I' m sorry you are going through this. What he did was rape. Just because you are married it does not give someone the ok to force themselves on you. I'm not clear on the September Pregnancy. Was the baby your husbands or did you sleep with your work colleague?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Her work colleague got her pregnant. I think it's pretty clear.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

"I got married int he spring of 2016, we were both happy, and then we started to settle into life. That’s when things started to go downhill. I started to have a hard time with the way things were and the routine we were in so we started to become more distant. The romantic side of our relationship took a turn for the worst."

This makes zero sense to me. We started to settle into life and things started to go downhill and you started to have a hard time with the way things were and the routine and the romantic side took a turn for the worse.

What I gather:

You say that your husband got drunk and forced himself on you and you feel it was rape, then began having an affair with another man that "listened to you" and "supported you". Yeah, they all do that ****. Other men are real freaking supportive, they are very attentive, etc. when they're wanting to get in your pants and they don't have any responsibility for you whatsoever.


Why did you not divorce your husband that you say raped you?
Why do you now claim to love your husband who raped you, after cheating on him and getting pregnant by your affair partner?
Why don't you just divorce the man and marry your affair partner who is so supportive, such a good listener, and who just "gets you"???

I don't understand the logic of any of this story.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I know others are not sure, about who's baby was who's. It is not important really, but How you poorly dealt with the aftermath IS. If your assaulting husband was not taking ownership of his actions and telling you to get over it then you should have left his abusive ass and taken control of your healing. Instead you reacted, instead of acted decisively. In reaction to your emotions you had an affair. Obviously you need therapy both for the rape and your husbands uncaring attitude but also for your reaction to all of that, what you did and and did and did, with affair, shutting your husband out, and terminating a pregnancy alone was allow other peoples actions to dictate your own. YOU NEED TO SEE YOU HAVE POWER AND CHOICE. You been letting others take it from you by your reaction. 

Take a breath. Why would you want to reconcile with your husband? 10 years is a long time granted, but why? His family were never compassionate. He has not been... why do you want to be with him? 

Please really think this through. How could you want to try when it is you that would have to beg him to come back to the marriage? Being raped is degrading enough, but to grovel him back... No.. Think again honey. 

Get a therapist. Get a place of your own, file for divorce and if he is willing to talk later and you still love him then hear him out. You have reasonable grounds for divorce... not for an affair. 

Wishing you well.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

while i think what your husband did was inexcusable, you pulling away and certainly not working on your marriage then caused you to basically write your marriage off....you pull yourself to someone (instead of seeking therapy), you further pushed your husband away, you had sex with this person, you had what i believe to be an abortion and now that it has all been discovered you want your husband back...you got what you wanted, whether you realized or not, your actions screamed to your husband you didn't want him...you don't get it both ways. i will be honest your husband is so not perfect and on tope of that he forced himself on you....but that in NO WAY excuse your behavior or actions


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

So much sadness here.

How long did you date or know each other before you got married in 2016. Just wondering since the marriage seems so new and the issues happened pretty quickly. Wondering if there was a lot of happiness before marriage, where he wasn't like this?

I'm guessing you don't have kids, I hope to God. This is not going to be an easy process by any means because there is so much pain but you need to get counseling, you need to get as much help as you can for yourself and please whatever you do, break off whatever communication you have with the friend/affair partner. I would recommend the same with the husband. You need to distance yourself from everyone involved in this and work on yourself and then, when you have clarity maybe talk a bit more to your husband. If he's not supportive of you getting help, I can understand but he may see past the pain to at least see you get help as someone he once loved.

Get help for yourself. And as it's been said, the other man may have been supportive but is low down and dirty for what he partook in. He's no knight in shining armor even though I'm sure it felt like it.

There was so much after the incident that he initiated that I put the other stuff first but of course what he did was blatantly wrong and grounds for you to never see him the same, what took place afterward however was something that made it worse unfortunately, for yourself I mean. Find your true family and friends and ask them for help as you move on and fix this mess for yourself. Nothing you did was mortal but if you don't rip off the band-aid now, it could get worse I imagine.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Am I reading this correct? 
Your husband forced himself on you in summer of 2016. After that I assume you were intimate with your husband correct? Then July / August 2017 or so you had unprotected sex with your lover multiple times resulting in a pregnancy. Then you had sex again with your husband I assume. Then you found out you were pregnant. I assume you were certain that it was your husband's or your lover's or you were not sure? Either way you aborted the baby behind your husbands back. December 2017 you demand that your husband stay away from the same place you just went to in July. New years comes along and I gather you don't want to be with him (let me guess NYE... you really just want to be with your new friends) so your husband goes through your computer and finds out you have been cheating on him and aborted a pregnancy. He figures out that it it happened in a place you went to in July that you claimed to him triggers you, but did not trigger you so bad to stop you from spreading your legs for another man. You also claim that you we going to tell him everything. When exactly? 

What exactly do you want from your husband? Fight for what? He is not talking to you because you have been lying to him for months, never mind getting an abortion behind his back and have been blaming him for everything you did. What do you want him to say? 

Write an honest letter telling him the truth. Try asking him back. If he was here posting I'd tell him to run. Good luck.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

My thoughts on this:

- Your husband forcing himself on you is rape regardless of whether you're married or not. To think otherwise is primitive, old-fashioned thinking. 

- Your husband does not want to communicate with you any further. 

- I was surprised that you and your husband have been together for 10 years. From what you wrote I thought you hardly knew each other and this was a young and immature relationship.

- Your relationship is toxic and sounds unsalvageable. It also sounds like your H has written your marriage off. I think you should not pursue this any longer.

But please seek counseling for the rape you endured.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

You're both messed up and should not be together any longer. From what you said about the bad holiday trip, he definitely raped you. It doesn't matter how drunk or high or horny he was - if you were crying and saying no/stop then he knew he was hurting you. And then you cheated on him and got pregnant from your work friend. You are both terrible spouses and should not stay together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Being drunk is not a defence for any crime, but especially the crime of rape.

He will now always be a rapist.

Don't take the risk of him doing it again.


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