# Marriage Counseling , Anyone take it



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I'm going to my first session on Monday with my husband, I\m wondering what they do and if it works? 

I'm praying that my husband and I will be able to deal with the past and start fresh . I have been told that some couples go to marriage counseling and their relationships are 10X better.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Absolutely recommend for any couple with issues.
Good for you!!!!
My H and I have been going since September, and though we still have issues, we definitely have benefited from it and will keep it up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mike in new england (Jan 3, 2011)

Good for you both! It's a big step to address that you have issues. Doing something about them is bigger. Keep an open mind, you may not like every bit of it, but sometimes the truth just stings. Every time I go I get stung!


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

Been there - done that many times. Basically, they are going to try to get you to talk about your issues and demons. Your success and/or failure will depend on a lot of things including your (meaning both you and your spouse) willingness to be honest, compassionate, understanding, openminded, forthcoming, willingness to listen, and willingness to accept. Change is entirely optional. If there is an agenda behind going to counseling, you might as well forget it becasue it will not follow the agenda, guarenteed. If you get anywhere, it's because you already have that ability before you go, you just have to find the way -that's why you go to counseling - because they help you find the way - if your willing.

Good luck.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

changehappens said:


> Been there - done that many times. Basically, they are going to try to get you to talk about your issues and demons. Your success and/or failure will depend on a lot of things including your (meaning both you and your spouse) willingness to be honest, compassionate, understanding, openminded, forthcoming, willingness to listen, and willingness to accept. Change is entirely optional. If there is an agenda behind going to counseling, you might as well forget it becasue it will not follow the agenda, guarenteed. If you get anywhere, it's because you already have that ability before you go, you just have to find the way -that's why you go to counseling - because they help you find the way - if your willing.
> 
> Good luck.



What do you mean by agenda, we are going in hopes that we can get through some anger and rage from things I did in our marriage 5 years ago. I think this is my last chance of saving it


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

It definitely helped my wife and me. We both learned things about ourselves that made it possible for us to save our marriage.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

DanF said:


> It definitely helped my wife and me. We both learned things about ourselves that made it possible for us to save our marriage.


When you started were you on bad terms, my husband is not even letting me touch him at this point. But we do talk and get long as long has we are not talking about our marriage


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

My H and I went to our first apt on tuesday. It was kinda awkward but not terrible. She would ask questions that would lead us into conversations about the problems in our marriage, mistakes we both made and his decision to have an EA on this deployment. 

We had talked for almost 4 days straight till this appointment so I didn't learn anything new from the session. It felt like she was getting a feel for us, how we communicate, she wanted to make clear where we both stood in this relationship and our goals from this point. We have our next apt this coming tuesday....hoping to come away with more.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Idontknownow said:


> My H and I went to our first apt on tuesday. It was kinda awkward but not terrible. She would ask questions that would lead us into conversations about the problems in our marriage, mistakes we both made and his decision to have an EA on this deployment.
> 
> We had talked for almost 4 days straight till this appointment so I didn't learn anything new from the session. It felt like she was getting a feel for us, how we communicate, she wanted to make clear where we both stood in this relationship and our goals from this point. We have our next apt this coming tuesday....hoping to come away with more.


Thanks for replying . I was hoping that she would ask us what we would like to get out of counseling, I know what I want I'm just hoping that my husband whats the same thing. 

I have so many things running through my mind. I don't want to get my hopes up , but it is hard. My husband has been really nice, even asked me if I wanted to go with him up to the mall. He has not asked me that in a few weeks. I had an appointment and he was going to take me, I explained to him that I could find a way there not to worry about it. He said" I want to take you , you don't want me to take you" I'm getting a lot of mixed signals from him. He still talks about things coming up they we will be doing. Like going to the city to pick up our daughter. So I'm really confused, I'm praying that counseling will help us get over the past and start with a clean slate, I have a lot of things I need to work on. Things that he has mentioned to me and I never thought of it that way. 

When I asked him if he was hoping marriage counseling would help us all he said was he is not happy ! I think his unhappiness to cause he has so much anger towards me that it blocks out trying to be happy! 

I'm praying praying that this will help, I don't want to lose my husband ! I love him with all my heart, even though I have done some horrible things. I have come to realize that he is the one I love. He is the one I want to be with , I just hope he feels the same way !


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

It sounds like your in my husbands shoes and I am in your husbands. 

From my perspective the whole situation is very confusing. If you (the ones who hurt) love us (the ones being hurt) why do it? I some times feel fine and in an instant the hurt comes rushing back all fresh and new. My husband has tried to be here for me in every way, asks me how he can help me. Honestly the greatest thing you can do is give him time, then be available when your needed for support. It's hard to allow that when he is the cause of this pain and sadness.

I don't know about your husband but for me the greatest injury is living with someone I don't currently trust. I have a hard time trusting, and it took many years to build a healthy true trust for my husband and he never threatened that but for a short period of time. Now all of my trust and faith in him is gone. I know that has to be rebuilt which I am sure your husband realizes also....it is very hard. A road has been paved in barbed wire and land mines. Now you two together have to work to clear all the debris while still trying to avoid something else going off or getting snagged on the wire.

I was naive to ever say I would leave if I was cheated on. My initial response is to stay for our children, but that is closely followed by the understanding he is a truly good man. I believe in doing right by truly good people. I also can't ignore taking my own responsibility for planting doubt about our marriage in his mind and feeding his own fears. 

I saw a quote "If your in fear your not in faith". If strongly believe if I am fearful about my marriage I have lost the faith in it and in my partner, I completely recognize I have done this in the past. 

I hope you both are able to get what you need from counseling to heal your marriage.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> When you started were you on bad terms, my husband is not even letting me touch him at this point. But we do talk and get long as long has we are not talking about our marriage


When we started, we both had been unfaithful, me once, her twice with the same guy. We were both angry and weren't sure we wanted to stay together, but agreed to try for the sake of the 20+ years we had invested in each other.

It was definitely the best thing for us.
Read my story here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18394-recovering-infidelity.html

Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

DanF said:


> When we started, we both had been unfaithful, me once, her twice with the same guy. We were both angry and weren't sure we wanted to stay together, but agreed to try for the sake of the 20+ years we had invested in each other.
> 
> It was definitely the best thing for us.
> Read my story here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18394-recovering-infidelity.html
> ...


Thanks this gives me hope, I don't think H wants to end things , but he doesn't know how to deal with his anger. We have 24 years invested 6 children ages 3,11,13,16,18,21 and a grandson. I have said sorry for what I did , I'm willing to do anything for us to try ! I know it could take a long time, and maybe it won't even work. But I want to prove to him that I have changed, we have never put our marriage ahead of anything it has been always about our kids.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

I have a appointment monday bymyself, havent had my wife confirm she will go yet,but Im hopeing!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I found counseling not very successful.

I am not sure why b/c I was on teh receiving end.

Sometimes I think what we needed more was a "marraige mediator" to get into the middle of our conflicts and show us strategies to resolve/compromise (and what not to compromise on perhaps).

Our therapist would just say, "Well, why can't you work it out?"

Well. . .um. . .if we knew that, we wouldn't be here, now would we?

My second therapist was a help in giving me the nudge to throw in the towel. It was nice to have a pro say that. . .she told me she has checked out of the marriage. . .move on. She had a boyfriend within month, more like weeks.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Jaded Heart said:


> What do you mean by agenda, we are going in hopes that we can get through some anger and rage from things I did in our marriage 5 years ago. I think this is my last chance of saving it


It depends on what you did and how candid you are about it and if it was offense to your marriage vows you need to express TRUE remorse and be transparent with him.

Your MC can help with achieving that. But if you use the MC as cover to continue crap, that will set you back farther than you can imagine.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

michzz said:


> It depends on what you did and how candid you are about it and if it was offense to your marriage vows you need to express TRUE remorse and be transparent with him.
> 
> Your MC can help with achieving that. But if you use the MC as cover to continue crap, that will set you back farther than you can imagine.


I don't want our MC to cover nothing or continue things, I understand that I need to show remorse , and I don't know how if he won't give me that chance. It has been 5 years since this happened and since we got back together. I do everything for him to prove that I love him and cherish him. Only to a point cause he doesn't allow me to touch him or kiss him ! I was getting mad when he would leave the house without kissing me cause it hurts so bad. But I started to realize that I'm why he is like this. He says I build a wall there and I need to take it down but I don't know how when we aren't able to touch each other. 

For the past few days I was thinking maybe we need to see the MC maybe she can help us get through this. Now I'm really scared that he is going to go in there and just say he is done. 

Even though there is signs that he isn't done. He won't take his ring off, he still talks as if we will be doing things in the future. Still asks me about things we need to do in our new home. I just get so confused and have no idea what to think or do. |Right now we are talking about anything as long as it is not about our marriage. I decided to leave that alone till we go to the MC on Monday


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There are things you can do.

Like write down exactly what you did and express full regret for it. Being specific about how you know it hurt him and that it even hurt yourself. But only do this if you really mean it.

In addition, go get yourself formally checked for STDs. You may have an infection lurking even if you do not think so. But even if you do not have one, share the results with him.

And don't expect positive results to bloom overnight either.

Five years seems like a long time to you. But if he is in pain and not reacting well towards you, it's just the passage of time, nothing more.

Changing the game by starting MC is the beginning of potential change. So keep at it.


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