# Codependancy and Seperation



## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I have been on a couple of the other forums dealing with my seperation. But have recently been discovered or diagnosed.. whatever you may call it. But recently my therapist concluded that I suffer from Codependant Personality Disorder.. I have spemnt my whole life making others happy without consideration for myself or my own well being. I would do anything for anyone no matter how much it hurt me, or even if I didnt want to do it. I felt if I didnt I wouldnt be accepted or liked. I discovered through intense therapy and group sessions that this is what I did when I met my wife and proposed to her. I felt that that is what she really wanted from our relationship.. Which by the way was only four months from the time I met her until I proposed.. I guess maybe a little background.. I met my wife online in Feb of 2002 and had just finished a driving career running long haul.. Was suffering from depression ( which I didnt realize at the time).. And she was the first person that actually showed a little interest in me.. I had never had a seriuos relationship due to the life style of driving.. We talked for a about a month on line and on the phone before I told her I loved her.. But after the words came out.. They didnt feel right but I did nothing to stop it or to say that I shouldnt have said it.. I was terrrified of rejection. We met in person for the first time in July of that year.. and all we both were looking forward to was being together and some perosnal times.. We made love within an hour of meeting in person for the first time.. (guess really deep down to me it was sex, not making love).. But after that first time I proposed.. I figured that was what she wanted... thoght I would lose a friend if I didnt.. My MISTAKE!!! ... I have fought for the 10 years to try to overcome these feeling but can not.. I have seperated but am now struggling to make her truly understand what it is that I am going through. It is not fair to her, not fair to me, and definetly not fair to our kids to continue with this lie... I am not true to myself or to her... Therapy hasnt helped her to realize that I am going through this.. She refuses to listen.. ALl she keeps saying is she "Truly knows who I am".. But how can that be.. If I dont know who I am myself.. I just know that I love her as a friend, but there is nothing else there.....I finally did stand up for myself as one nite she asked me to come over to talk.. I got to her house ( which I gave her free and clear in the seperation) The kids were not there, and there was no answer at the door.. I knew hse was there because she asked me and the truck was also there.. I opened the dorr and called her, she said she was in the bedroom, just come in... I came in and sat on the couch............WELL............. she come out of the bedroom wearing sexy lingere and makeup.. Seems like she set me up to try and seduce me.. I told her if she wanted to talk then we could talk, but I wasnt there for that.. She gopt mad and yelled at me. I told her I wasnt interested in that, and left.. But then I felt horrible for shooting her down.. How does one overcome that?? I am working hard.. but when she wont realize that we are over.. makes it hard!!


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Try to write her a letter explaining why this is over for you. Make sure she knows that it isn't a phase or anything to do with her, but you really feel like the marriage is just over. Then, file for divorce. If you don't love her, let her go. She will accept it in time.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

Well, tonite I suffered a complete and total breakdown. Ive been attending co-dependancy group and also a grief therapy group... Guess it just got to be to much.. i was on my way to see kids and just had to pull over and have a good cry fest!!!! I cant take this any more..... How does one not love them selves???? I hav e no family out here they are over 2000 miles away.. I hve one friend but I dont need to burden her with my crap!!!!! Ive done veryhting I can think of. Wrote down my feelings, talked to my therapist.. But this was the worst!!!


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

Unfortunately feelings can come on strong---but hopefully, you have had some relief since last night. You seem to be doing the right things, writing, talking to a therapist. As far as your wife is concerned, sex can be that one last connection for women and I believe that society and the media portray men as people who sex is enough--as someone who is raising a little man and been married (now a couple of times) I know that isn't true. Hang in there.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

I am going to write all my feelings down.. Give them to her and hope that gets thru to her.. This separation has been hard.. She has refused therapy for herself .. She suffered childhood abuse by an uncle.. And refuses to get the help she needs.. We have been in an intimate free relationship since my daughter was conceived .. She is now 5 1/2.. I have struggled to regain myself.. But it doesn't begin to explain why she won't understand.. She still see an R in the future.. But I am ready to move to divorce.. It is hard to pick up or drop off kids because she berates me about coming home everytime .. Just needed to vent off..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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