# shocked



## possumface (Dec 30, 2012)

my wife of 34 yrs. has been fb her old boyfriend she had before me so you can see how many yrs. its been. i had a little problem jealousy issue at first when he was added but he seemed like a ok guy and still think that, so anyway this has escalated to texting and then my wife called him and has been talking on and off for a yr. i find out they both finally agreed it was wrong and wife has promised me it will not happen anymore. she confessed to me this after i found fb obsession with going to his page or messaging not sure which. i ask about phone and she said she didn't want to be on her death bed and confess this as i would hate her forever. she says she loves me and would never leave me and doesn't want him also only talked about family etc. never anything else really. Im shocked and really hurt as you can imagine to my very core. this isn't something she has ever done before that i know of. Im now scared, not trusting and all the things that go with finding this out. how can i stop my pain and forgive and make our marriage work dang its been our whole lifes


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry you're here. After 34 years, you'd never expect your SO could be attracted to someone else. That can be part of it. You first need to understand what happened. 

Find a counselor. 

Make sure you insist on no contact with him, asap.

Start reading these, today...

Dr. Shirley Glass - Introduction - NOT "Just Friends"

His Needs, Her Needs, W Harley


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your W needs to go no contact with the ex, be totally transparent with you (access to her passwords and phone) and undertake not to do this sort of thing again. 

You're in pain because an EA can hurt as badly as a PA, and your W has to restore your trust in her again so that you can heal.


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## possumface (Dec 30, 2012)

thank you, she has deleted FB and so did I, she has promised no contact , she told about topics of the conversations i do believe . this bf has found religion lately he is single just coming from dev. of a wife that cheated on him so he has felt this pain, they both agreed on their own to not have contact because my wife told him she didn't feel right talking , calling him. i believe this until otherwise. i do think this is the right direction for now


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Head to cwi to find info on making sure she stays nc with him.


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## LoveLonely (Dec 8, 2013)

It probably isn't deleted. The account is probably turned off. I am not suggesting there is anything sneaky here. I would take her password, log right back in, and read everything.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> Your W needs to go no contact with the ex, be totally transparent with you (access to her passwords and phone) and undertake not to do this sort of thing again.
> 
> You're in pain because an EA can hurt as badly as a PA, and your W has to restore your trust in her again so that you can heal.


I would make sure she BLOCKS him from her account. That will send a strong message to the OM to stay away.

Just had a thought, you could contact him via Fb and message him to stay the F away from your wife!:FIREdevil:

Seek Mc if possible, talk about triggers that might tempt her or you. This will hurt for a while but the sun will come out again and can make your marriage even stronger!


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

:slap:

I am not sure why you allowed this in the first place...

But I think - lesson learned - no contact should always be the rule...

It is just human nature that once we start exploring old feelings - without the complications of actually being in a relationship with said person - that those feelings are going to grow.

Lucky for you that your spouse and the old boyfriend have consciences... The good angels on their shoulders helped them to realize that they were doing something they should not be doing. His personal experiences told him that he was wrong. 

Pointless to beg the question of who led who to feel that it was wrong... let's just say that the OP had blinders on when he first learned about their renewed connection.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

CLEARLY need to set boundaries. My wife made the mistake of friending an old flame (he was married too) and started crying about his failing marriage. I told my wife to be careful... he is fishing you. within three day, she unfriended and blocked him. He asked her to dinner. She said that was fine but added "Then my husband can meet you". He suggested just the two of them ...She knew right away I was right and on to his game. Red flags buddy...


Note: she ALWAYS info'd me on their conversations.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> CLEARLY need to set boundaries. My wife made the mistake of friending an old flame (he was married too) and started crying about his failing marriage. I told my wife to be careful... he is fishing you. within three day, she unfriended and blocked him. He asked her to dinner. She said that was fine but added "Then my husband can meet you". He suggested just the two of them ...She knew right away I was right and on to his game. Red flags buddy...
> 
> 
> Note: she ALWAYS info'd me on their conversations.


Who was it who told the story where he and his wife went to a bar and a player hit on his wife right in front of him? The wife said he was just friendly so he went to the bathroom and afterward unhesitatingly asked for the slip of paper the player had given the wife with his phone...

Lol. Love it when the players lose.


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## Haru2013 (Oct 23, 2013)

I, too found my husband with many years has been 'emotional affair' with the divorced woman. At first, I didn't mind thinking only 'talking,' however I witnessed very firsthand not only 'talking,' rather intense emotional attachment to each other. 

After that incident, I confronted him and he apologized not talk nor see this woman again. All of those communications along with on-line talks were blocked. 

However, like you, there is 'suspicious' and 'unresolved' feelings that does not go away. I believe it's natural for us, betrayed spouses feel this way, because in marriage, 'trust' is more important than 'love' which is more superficial and we, always can say. On the otherhand, 'trust' is more deep and core to your heart/mind. Then, getting 'trust' back, in my experience, takes time and a lot of work. In the meantime, I started to watch my husband's every activities, even the way he acts on which he seems NOT to realize. All of those are, we, human are 'natural reaction' to the SO's affair, either emotional or physical/sex. 

My suggestion and advice would be that you need patience for 'trust' and watch any change if your wife started to exhibit. I understand your pain after 34 years' marriage, but it happens, any time and any age, even old age, after 70s'.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Haru, 

How does it go? Getting any better?
-sammy


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

MAN!

Is it just me, or does the word "facebook" appear in a helluva lot of these?

Tough one, possum.

I think everyone's on the same page here. No Contact AT ALL, block him everywhere (phone, text, e-mail, FB - and let you see her do it), followup "spying" to whatever extent YOU want.


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