# Wife's EA, 4th time's a charm?



## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

First time posting here, or ANY forum for that matter. I really wish i would have found this site back in June 2012. I was raised to be an Alpha dog, clean my own mess up, and keep my private business private. I've tried everything I can come up with on my own and I have failed miserably. Was hoping to get an outside viewpoint as I sure add heck can't talk to my family or friends about this (they all know her and probably like her more anyhow) Right, here we go. I'll try not to saturate y'all with details...sorry about typos my phone sucks!

Met my wife 10 years ago online. Did the long distance thing at first. Then made it official. Been married nearly 7 years now, two kids between 3 and 5. I'm not going to lie and say our marriage was perfect (we never completely adjusted to having kids and being partners). Along came DDay. I discovered she had been cyber screwing some guy from an online FB game she played. (let's call him OM1). He lived 1200 miles away. I didnt know what to do. I nearly left her then to file for a D, but I wanted to work things out for the kids, i love her, and she promised it wasn't serious, just acting in character for her game. She promised NC, i wrote OM1 a cease n desist message on FB and thought it was over. 3 months later, i noticed she was all of sudden less interested in me sexually, and was staying up late past me going to bed for work. She says it's her hormonal/adrenal issues that cause her to not be tired. She was always on the other side of the house on her laptop typing away, but quickly changing screens when I came in. I asked her several times if it was him, or any other guy, she swore it wasn't. Like a fool, i take her word for it. The pattern continued and one night i walked in on her with her breasts pulled out while she was webcamming with OM1. I know because i tore the laptop from her grip and checked. They were back at it. I ask her if she has feelings for him and she says sometimes(ouch). But she swears she loves me and will end it. Like a lovestruck fool i take her word again.
The late night internet use continues, sex becomes rare and when it happens, she is drinking and has the look of lets get this over with. I try to play an online game with her and notice she is very flirty with a few males. They all acted weird when i was around (they video skyped while playing.) Finally I come to my senses and learn how to view her skype chats and discover 5 months worth of Skype chat logs in which she cyberscrewed at least 4 OMs. She also talked about OM1 very often with one of the extra 4 OMs. So I gathered my evidence, confronted her and she said she isnt sure if she wants to stay married. She somehow convinced me it was all my fault. I was mean to her, and took her for granted. I believed it for a few days. Then I found this site. She took the initiative and went NC with all the OMs and even 1 i didn't know about. She agreed to going to MC with me. Things seem a little better, but the scorned part of me is afraid it's just a phase. I feel like i am just waiting for her to do it again. I can do the keylogger thing, but it wouldn't feel like a marriage at all. 

I have NO trust left to give. All but one of the OM were very long distance. I control the finances, and car mileage, and phone records. I am 99.9% sure there is no PA. From the messages i read, it sounded like she was about to plan for a divorce. But she swears none of those cybersex episodes were serious. They meant nothing to her. 

Can anyone relate?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Well well well, she went NC. And on her own. 

Hey wait! Hasn't she "gone NC" before? Maybe not 'on her own' but with all the practice "NC" she knows the drill - right? 

Soooo she took responsibility and wants to fly the straight and narrow now. OH, I forgot .... she blamed you. Convinced you it was your fault. She bears no responsibility for showing her body and engaging in sex talk with random dudes - but especially with the one random dude that was supposed to "cease and desist" (they had a good giggle over that one while the skyped dotcha think?)

You said you met her online. Was she in a relationship with someone else at that time. I wouldn't be surprised if she was. She seems to be a pro at engaging with long-distance sex play. 

Why don't you make her computer off limits? And her smart phone. She's got kids to raise for cryin' out loud. She can spend her nights reading child-rearing books, helping her kids get a headstart on school, reading relationship books. 

You need to pull your weight here too. Make time each night to have meaningful conversations about the both of you - not just household "how's your day" chit-chat. 

You may both discover that you're not meant to be together. If so, be honest about it and make good decisions, honest decisions for yourselves and your kids.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

4th time's a charm? I wouldn't know about that, but the 1st time's a deal breaker. That's for sure.

Please stop being the nice guy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh you won't fix her. You gonna hang on until OM76?

Divorce is hard on kids. Having a cuckolded father is harder.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Yes. They are right you know. Just like the next 5 posters will be. File for divorce, have her srved and go from there. Trying totalk her out of this addiction hasn't and will not work. She needs to know that you are ready to walk. Actions speek louder than words, from both of you. You can allways "pause" tthe divorce if she starts to come around and if she doesn't, you'll be in a much better place when you leave. Does her/your family know about her cheating? If not, you want to get this out into the light.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She keeps doing this because you've laid out no consequences for her whatsoever. Not sure what you mean by "Alpha dog" but what you've been allowing? There's nothing Alpha about that. 

Protect your finances and file for divorce. Shut off internet access to your home. She obviously has no respect for you and no fear of you actually doing anything consequental about her cheating. Maybe if you follow through on the divorce threat and file she'll take you seriously. 

This is why I tell BS not to make threats or draw lines in the sand they don't back up. Not only does your wife see you as the Boy Who Cried Wolf who won't back up what he says, she loses even more respect for you because you don't enforce boundries. If tell her "If you do A, B, or C then I'm doing X, Y, and Z" then you do X, Y, and Z if she does A, B, or C.

But stick around you'll get great advice here.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I cannot relate. I dropped my wife after DDay 1. Find out what your true deal breaker is. It seems like you don't have one to me.


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

@Walkon, funny enough she was seeing someone. Though, so was I. It wasn't dirty talk or anything even close though when we met. She just asked some questions about martial arts. Kinda just chit chatted about life 6 months. That's when both our relationships had run their course and I made a move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

You guys are right though...I never drew boundaries, issued consequences, or grew a spine. I'm still not entirely sure why not. I guess i was in denial. Maybe i thought How could this person I was so sure was different than all the other women I met do that to me? Odd, that I an so outgoing and assertive with the rest of my life. Even in the dating world. But with the two or three women I fell hard for in my life, I became a pleaser...a nice guy, and got cheated on each time!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

One question, yes or no. Does her laptop still exist? The answer will tell me everything I need to know about whether you have the personality required to enforce boundaries and consequences.


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

Yes, it exists. Though I have become a self taught network analyst and have the ability to see all packets (traffic, IP addresses, logins, pw, text, etc). It's kind of scary how easy it is for someone to spy on network traffic. Wireless is even easier for me to pick up so I'd rather her use it for Big Brother to get me through this trust issue part. I paid good $ for that laptop and still use it myself and for the kids. There is one account on it and she let's me have access at any time (wasn't that way before). I am positive that I will catch her if she does it again. If she is hell bent on doing these dirty talk sessions, taking it away won't stop it, just drive it underground/out of my view. or i guess i could still be an idiot...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

The truth is you are not assertive in other areas, because if you were it would bleed into these relationships. Bottom line is you are not ready for Long Term Relationships if you are so beta that you allow yourself to be walked all over time and time again. You need therapy. And stop with the excuses, they're simply are none, for being codependent. I'm going to tell you something my Dad told me, that your Dad should have told you, until you are happy all alone you will never be truly happy with others.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Yes, it exists. Though I have become a self taught network analyst and have the ability to see all packets (traffic, IP addresses, logins, pw, text, etc). It's kind of scary how easy it is for someone to spy on network traffic. Wireless is even easier for me to pick up so I'd rather her use it for Big Brother to get me through this trust issue part. I paid good $ for that laptop and still use it myself and for the kids. There is one account on it and she let's me have access at any time (wasn't that way before). I am positive that I will catch her if she does it again. If she is hell bent on doing these dirty talk sessions, taking it away won't stop it, just drive it underground/out of my view. or i guess i could still be an idiot...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i second the opinion of workingonme, then.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Yes, it exists. Though I have become a self taught network analyst and have the ability to see all packets (traffic, IP addresses, logins, pw, text, etc). It's kind of scary how easy it is for someone to spy on network traffic. Wireless is even easier for me to pick up so I'd rather her use it for Big Brother to get me through this trust issue part. I paid good $ for that laptop and still use it myself and for the kids. There is one account on it and she let's me have access at any time (wasn't that way before). I am positive that I will catch her if she does it again. If she is hell bent on doing these dirty talk sessions, taking it away won't stop it, just drive it underground/out of my view. or i guess i could still be an idiot...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How is it different this time ? After the first time she escalated it as it was a challenge. And remember, she was lying through it without any problem. Your ethics and morals on trust do not apply to her. And unfortunately for you, she knows you are a network analyst and anything she does on her computer is not safe. So she will find other ways to do that.(A burner smart phone, public library etc The OM's can buy her stuff.)

First thing you need to do is expose her to the family. Let shame be a motivator to change. let her know that divorce is on the cards this time. No, not the next time she gets caught. Tell her you are not over the betrayal and you are still considering divorce for the disgusting stuff she did to you. Then let her tell you on why she wants to save the marriage. Make her give you reasons. Your wife is just a leech, a financial and an emotional leech. Is she a a good mother ?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

CrackedbackAgain,

Sorry you are here.

In my opinion, she is not worthy of being your wife.
Sorry, I wish I had something nicer to say, but reality is better than illusion.

Take care
AU


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Pattern.

You caught, claims friendship, she did it again

You caught her, she did it again with more people

You caught her, she blamed you, doesn't know if she wants to stay married..

You read over your own email, if it was someone else what actions would you take? A harder line maybe?

If you really want to stop this nonsense then a much firmer course of action needs to be taken, actions need to have consequences, so far you've swallowed all the bull she's shovelled.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

If you want to make one last attempt at saving this marriage (I wouldn't), then I would take away her internet access. She's proven time and time again she can't be trusted with it. Have her get a real hobby ... maybe gardening, knitting, cooking, or exercise?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry your hear man.

How many times do you have to be fooled before it's shame on you?

She already shown you time and time again what she values. And it isn't you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I'll see you back when it's the 5th time around. Good luck, you're going to need a ton of it.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

What your wife has done is similar to what mine did. Mine also went physical and honestly if I had re-acted like you I never would have known. 

A guy came from a few hundred miles away to bang my wife. Dont for ONE second believe your wife has never done that. 

If you had asked me before she fessed up how sure I was it hadn't gone physical I would have said 99.9%. 

You need to read No More Mr Nice Guy! and Married Man Sex Life. 

And you need to find your spine.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- four that you know of...

I feel for you, but you are tolerating it and as long as you do- you can expect the same. COming here was a good step. You have received some great advice. 

I wish you the very best.

Good Luck
WD


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IF you are going to allow her to GET to stay married to you, she must:
remove ALL PASSWORDS from her phone and her computer
find and GO TO a personal therapist who YOU will visit with her the first time so you can give this IC the truth of what she has done
keep going to MC with you until YOU are satisfied
get tested for STDs and give you the results
hand over her phone and computer any time you ask without balking
refrain from living a single lifestyle (no bars with girlfriends, etc.)
agree to and carry THROUGH with a satisfying sexual relationship with you


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

If you're not ready to try and stop her from doing this, at least get a key logger on the PC, spy app on the cell phone and VARs in the places she's likely to phone coverdation, sexting and even sex. Because she's not going to stop. Then at least you'll have all the proof you'll need to make your decision when this all hits the fan, again. I'm sorry, but it's very doubtful she's going to stop unless you DO SOMETHING to try and stop her. Even then, it's no sure bet.

She's an addict and eventually she will look for her next fix.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Everyone else pretty much said it all.

Without a doubt she should NOT be on the internet. In no way, shape or form..


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks for all of this advice. I was reading some other posts here on TAM yesterday and saw someone talking about how they still had to go find one of their wife's retired computers to dig for info. It dawned on me that we had one in the basement. So I took advantage of a rare 30 minutes of alone time in the house and started snooping. More of the same stuff with OM1 inbetween Dday1 and Dday 2. Most of it was garbled ASCII characters because of files being overwritten, but two things slapped me. One, OM1 had sent her some sort of naughty self made video that she keeps hidden away (it's deleted now if she was smart). And even scarier, this statement "I haven't been with another man since having the kids, of course." Do I approach her about any of this? Demand answers? She will just deny it. Almost seems pointless to ask. She will just go silent and start crying, like she does when the MC asks her something too personal.

Now the never being with another man since the kids could be taken out of context (I couldn't read any of the chat before or after the sentence). But I'm so confused. All of her later communications, while these guys were trying to talk her into meeting them, she was adament about not cheating. She was till married. She wouldn't meet unless she was divorced.

I see all of the advice here, but I worry that some of it is pretty much a death sentence for the marriage. If I went full exposure, she would knee-jerk react by just giving up on me. Her parents hate me to death (espectially her mom, I'm the only one who ever stood up to her). They would do everything in their power to exploit it and bring her and the grandkids back overseas (I think I left that out, WS is from another country). Or worse she'd just take the kids and flee the country. Expose her to my family, and she'd never want to see them ever again out of embarassment. Worse yet, she knows of some personal, deep dark secret things about me I'd rather her not use as a counter-attack. 

When I previously discussed sharing all passwords, she said that she knew I would go all control freak on her and try to control her life, just like the guy she was with before me. She said she'd rather just cancel the internet and live like a hermit than be controlled. 

If it weren't for my kids, I think I would have had a completely different reaction. 

@awake1, how/when did she confess? 

How many of you actually saved your marriages? I'm not trying to be rude, I just want to know how successful these techniques were at actually saving the marriage. A lot of the stuff I read on here was about marriages that failed....

And yes, I just started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife doesn't seem charming, tbh.

Are you sure there have been no physical stuff with local men?

OK. STD tests and DNA tests. (DNA tests are not always used to check DNA. They can also send an important message to the WS. "See? I can't trust anything you ever told me. And it's all your fault.")


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

There's no guarantee you can save your marriage. Most people who come here looking for help DON'T save their marriage. Not due to bad advice, but usually because they either 1) Didn't take the advice they were given, they just came here and wanted to argue about why they thought the advice wouldn't work or 2) By the time they did come here looking for advice it was too late anyway. 

Sometimes you can do everything you can to save your marriage, even the right things, and it's still not salvagable. But the few who DO save their marriages pretty much always do so by doing what has been recommended in this section time and time again.

Your situation is not unique. Your wife's behavior is not unique. Read through this section for a few days. There are hundreds, if not thousands of stories just like yours. People aren't telling you to expose because it will get your wife back. They're also not pulling this advice out of their ass. People are telling you to expose because at the very least it has the best chance of ending your wife's affairs and the behavior she's engaged in. 

Right now she's cake eating. Because it's quite clear she can cheat on you and you've shown her you'll basically do nothing about it. Exposure will stomp on her fantasy world and bring her somewhat back to reality. And maybe even get her to respect you a little despite the fact she'll be pissed to start. But the longer you wait to expose the less effective it is. And she's done this with FOUR guys now? You've been waiting too long as it is.

And I hate to be blunt but you going about this the wrong way for as long as you have, your marriage is most likely beyond repair anyway. Going from your last post I'd be more worried about damage control (keeping kids in the country, protecting youself financially, etc) then saving your marriage. Why you would fight so hard for someone who has ****ed you over repeatedly and you seem afraid to even cross after what SHE has done to YOU does not bode well for your marriage either. Women do not respect men who are afraid to stand up to them, who they can walk over, and who do not set boundries or lay down consequences.

The first thing you should do is find your children's passports if they have any and keep them hidden. Second you should consult a custody lawyer about how to keep them in the country and your wife from running off with them. Third you should make any finances you have unavailable to your wife. Fourth you should do what you apparently threatened to do but didn't follow through on and file for divorce.

And exposure is up to you. Generally exposure IMO is only useful if you're interested in reconcilling with your wife. To expose to others you need concrete proof that you can provide to back up your claims. Otherwise it just turns into he said/she said and cheaters are exceptional liars.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Can you expose yourself in whatever secret your wife knows? I remember a thread where a guy did that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

My wife tried to gaslight me until I dropped the hammer and filed for divorce. Then the tears rained down on me. See, I could have saved the marriage, but cheating is my deal breaker. Fixing the marriage takes the same strength as ending it. The worst thing that can happen is you surrender your self respect and she still leaves you. At least if you take a stand your chances of recovery go up, because she will learn to respect you, even if she hates you for it. And no matter what you would have kept your limited self respect. I promise if you handle this weakly years from now you'll regret it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> How many of you actually saved your marriages? I'm not trying to be rude, I just want to know how successful these techniques were at actually saving the marriage. A lot of the stuff I read on here was about marriages that failed....
> 
> And yes, I just started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life.


Most of the marriages on here DO fail. By the time the betrayed spouse posts here, their cheating spouse has been at it for years and sometimes has had multiple other men. The cheater is so far mentally out of the marriage and the betrayed is so hurt by the betrayal, the chances of a successful reconciliation is small.

I do not believe in exposure to your families in your case. The idea of exposure is to get the people (family, friends) to whom you expose to try to influence your wife to stop the affairs. In your case, your wife has stopped the affairs AND since your in-laws hate you, they won't try to influence her to stay with you.

The one exposure that WILL work in your situation is to expose to the OTHER MEN's WIVES. Find out who they are and how to contact them and let them know what their husbands have been up to. Especially other man #1.

My take is that your wife is a damaged person. Maybe you have been in the dark about this for your entire relationship, but YOU (OR ANY MAN) has NEVER been enough for her. She is one of those people who needs constant validation from members of the opposite sex. I'm guessing that she was like this with others before your relationship ever started and has continued it nonstop throughout your relationship. It is like an addiction (feeling sexually desired by men) and she can't stop wanting it (even if she realizes she SHOULD).

It is a very good sign that she told the other men that she would not meet them because she was married.

The crying and going and silent, in one respect, is a good sign also, that she feels remorseful and ashamed of her behavior.

It is a very bad sign that she refuses to talk about her issues, just goes silent and cries. THAT IS A TACTIC to avoid the painful subject that is at the heart of your problem. She should not be allowed to avoid this. The key to your reconciliation is getting her to talk to you about WHY she did what she did and for her to face up to her personal demons and overcome them.

The stuff about giving up the internet rather than have you "control" her is ANOTHER TACTIC - to make you feel bad and let her have her way. The fact that she actually gives up the internet rather than let you monitor her tells you that SHE KNOWS SHE CANNOT CONTROL HERSELF, and to use the internet while you monitor her will only result in her slipping up because she just can't stop and you then finding out and ending the marriage.

I do not know what online game your wife was playing, but I can assure you that her only real interest in that game was with the "GAME" of getting guys to show interest in her.

It is NOT the sex, it is the VALIDATION and FEELING DESIRED that your wife craves. At this point, you could NEVER give her enough of this (NO ONE CAN), but you should give her what you can as far as letting her know how much you desire her. I know this might be tough right now given your situation, but do your best.

This is not something that gets "cured," that desire for validation always will be there, though hopefully she will develop the self control not to act on it. You always will have to keep an eye out for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So basically, you are asking how to keep her from taking your children away from you. Since you have already decided nothing else will do any good.


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## donkey_punch (Jan 15, 2013)

What starts bad mostly ends badly. Marrying someone isn't just signing the papers, giving the wedding ring and celebrating. Unfortunately you made a poor decision making her your wife. I can see signs of bad self-esteem and immaturity. Ask yourself; is it worth trying to save the marriage? And are you ready to truly forgive her knowing she can do it again anytime soon?


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

@Will_Kane , What You Have Just Said Really Struck Home. It Explains A Lot About Certain Little Mannerisms And Events That Ive Seen Over The Past Few Years. I Just Never Really Connected The Dots. So Now Comes The Hard Part Of Getting Her To Admit It To Herself AndGet Help. 

I Suppose Ive Been So Fixated On FinallY Making Foward Progress On Our Relationship. With Her Actually Making An Effor To End The Little Fantasy World She Has Built Herself, That I Was Afraid Forcing Her To Do Things And Making Demands Would Undo The Progress. I Am Currentl Digging As Deep As I Can To Gather All Evidence Before I Show My Hand And Lose All Access To It. Ive BegunSearching For Legal Council. Finding Attorneys Specializing In International Custody Is Difficult At Best. Ive Done Some Footwork On Finding OM1, His Live In GF, And Even His Immediat Family And Need To Figure OutThe Best Way To Contact The.

While I Believe She Has, At Least For The Moment, Broken Contact With OM1 And Others, I Found The Naughty Video On Her Laptop Hidde Away...Maybe As A Memento, Just Incase,Only She Knows Why For Sure. Once My Deep Dive On Data Is Complete And Safe, Intend To Get Tough. She WantsA ReactIon From Me, Wants Me To Be Assertive (She Said As Much With Our MC), Well Here It Comes. The Laptop And Her PC Will Be Disabled By Me Indefinately And We Share One PC Which Will Be Heavily Monitored U.til SuchTime I Feel I Can Trust Her Again. Likewise For Her Addiction To Attention From Other Men.That Keepsake Video Of OM1 Really Knifed Me Good. She Hasnt Comepletely Wiped The Slate Clean. If She Wont, I Will. She Can Call It Controlling If She Wants. But She Needs To Decide What Is More Important To Her. 
You Know, I Also Found SomeHidden Pics From A Few Months Ago Of Her On The Couch, Lifting Her Bra, And Showing Her Boob In A Little Snapshot Series. In That Same Outfit,On The Same Day, Close To The Same Time, She Took Pics Of Her And Th Boys As A Happy Family. So She was Doing This CraP With The Boys Awake And In The House! These Are The ThingsI Need To Keep In My Mind To Give Me The Strength To Go Through This

The Whole Thing Is Taking Its Toll On Me Tho, I Cant Eat, Cant Concentrate At Work. KeEping A Poker Face At Home Untilevidence Is Gathered. You Know I Was Reading Up On The 180 Here. IHave AlreadyUnconsciously Started Doing Some Of The Items And She Has Noticed. As Soon As Ive Done The Digging, Perhaps Its Time To Fully Commit To it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

That was pretty hard to read. Disable the Autocaps


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

I Know, My SmartphonE Has Decided It Wants To Do Autocaps And Wont Change Its Mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Now the never being with another man since the kids could be taken out of context (I couldn't read any of the chat before or after the sentence). But I'm so confused. All of her later communications, while these guys were trying to talk her into meeting them, she was adament about not cheating. She was till married. She wouldn't meet unless she was divorced.


Sorry, there is no context to be had. Sex talk occurs with girlfriends not with a male friend. I know you are thinking "does this mean sex," but in my book it is inappropriate to discuss period. It leads down a bad path, oh wait you know that part already!


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

CrackedbackedAgain:"They would do everything in their power to exploit it and bring her and the grandkids back overseas (I think I left that out, WS is from another country). Or worse she'd just take the kids and flee the country."


Should he hide the kids passports for awhile?..


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

The cheating spouse leaving you in limbo, not sure if they want to stay married is the worst. My H did this 16 years ago out of the blue we were new to online anything like that, me more than him. I had 2 kids to think about and he was telling me we might have to sell the house if we split as he wouldn't be able to support 2 homes, really? You have to decide what's right for you and your kids and leave her out of the equation. The kids are the most important thing now. Forget catching her, they just get smarter at hiding it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She states that she has not been with another man since she had the children? Does this mean she has been with other men sexually while married to you but only before she had your children? If so then you must get paternity tests on the children.

I think it is time to contact an attorney to understand your various options. She continues to humiliate and disrespect you. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with such humiliation and disrespect from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

Wow, over 3 years ago. Hard to believe it was me that wrote those words. If anyone wanted closure on the situation, it went down just like you all said it would, a big ball of flames. The short version: While we were in marriage counseling, things started to get a little better, then all of a sudden stopped getting better. Fast forward nearly 1.5 years later (wow, I really tried to resuscitate a dead marriage for that long?!?!), I figured out that she had started seeing one of the OM's in real life and started a physical affair. All behind my back WHILE we were going to counseling for 1.5 years to save the marriage! 

Anyhow, I did finally get my own individual counselor, who saw through everything, opened my eyes, and gave me the support I needed to end things. I've been divorced almost a year now. 50% time/custody split with the kids. I'm in financial hell right now with child support AND a nasty alimony garnishment. Only 3 years left on my alimony sentence. But, hey, I have my emotional health back, and get to see my kids two whole weeks a month. "And now I see the world through diamond eyes" 

Ironically enough, next week will be the 4 year anniversary of the day I first caught her Emotional Affairs (D-Day #1). If I could only go back in time and talk to THAT poor bastard...tell him how it would end.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Wow, over 3 years ago. Hard to believe it was me that wrote those words. If anyone wanted closure on the situation, it went down just like you all said it would, a big ball of flames. The short version: While we were in marriage counseling, things started to get a little better, then all of a sudden stopped getting better. Fast forward nearly 1.5 years later (wow, I really tried to resuscitate a dead marriage for that long?!?!), I figured out that she had started seeing one of the OM's in real life and started a physical affair. All behind my back WHILE we were going to counseling for 1.5 years to save the marriage!
> 
> Anyhow, I did finally get my own individual counselor, who saw through everything, opened my eyes, and gave me the support I needed to end things. I've been divorced almost a year now. 50% time/custody split with the kids. I'm in financial hell right now with child support AND a nasty alimony garnishment. Only 3 years left on my alimony sentence. But, hey, I have my emotional health back, and get to see my kids two whole weeks a month. "And now I see the world through diamond eyes"
> 
> Ironically enough, next week will be the 4 year anniversary of the day I first caught her Emotional Affairs (D-Day #1). If I could only go back in time and talk to THAT poor bastard...tell him how it would end.


*cough* @Herschel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Congratulations. *Sorry you have to pay alimony *
> 
> Good for you being faithful on your child support. Hope your ex spends it all on the kids (yeah, as if).
> 
> Best wishes for the future.


For reals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Wow, over 3 years ago. Hard to believe it was me that wrote those words...
> 
> I'm in financial hell right now with child support AND a nasty alimony garnishment. Only 3 years left on my alimony sentence. But, hey, I have my emotional health back, and get to see my kids two whole weeks a month.* "And now I see the world through diamond eyes"*


CbA,

She cheats and lies for years and you get stuck with Alimony? Thus she is rewarded a salary for adultery... typical divorce justice :frown2:. 

*Diamond Eyes...* I remember when I finally knew the extent of my wife's cheating, the years of affairs, the years of lies, the clarity of vision I now possessed was unbelievable. 

Good Luck Forward.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Congratulations. Sorry you have to pay alimony
> 
> Good for you being faithful on your child support. Hope your ex spends it all on the kids (yeah, as if).
> 
> Best wishes for the future.


Sigh...
Another perfect example for MGTOW.
I fel you brother.

listen...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwoZBQkA9O4


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

3 years left? I know that sucks, but you actually have an end. When it irritates you always remember, you could have been one of those unlucky people with lifetime alimony.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

verpin zal said:


> 4th time's a charm? I wouldn't know about that, but the 1st time's a deal breaker. That's for sure.
> 
> Please stop being the nice guy.


He was raised alpha? Alpha what?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maxo said:


> He was raised alpha? Alpha what?


He explained that in his first post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

QUOTE=MattMatt;15776545]He explained that in his first post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Alpha doormat?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maxo said:


> He was raised alpha? Alpha what?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maxo said:


> QUOTE=MattMatt;15776545]He explained that in his first post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Alpha doormat?[/QUOTE]

Just shows the alpha beta stuff is rubbish doesn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP you use the word 'charm' in relation to your wife is wrong. 

Your wife is not in any way charming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I hope the divorce was final before the 10 year mark or she'll get to collect Social Security based on your earnings.



CrackbackedAgain said:


> Wow, over 3 years ago. Hard to believe it was me that wrote those words. If anyone wanted closure on the situation, it went down just like you all said it would, a big ball of flames. The short version: While we were in marriage counseling, things started to get a little better, then all of a sudden stopped getting better. Fast forward nearly 1.5 years later (wow, I really tried to resuscitate a dead marriage for that long?!?!), I figured out that she had started seeing one of the OM's in real life and started a physical affair. All behind my back WHILE we were going to counseling for 1.5 years to save the marriage!
> 
> Anyhow, I did finally get my own individual counselor, who saw through everything, opened my eyes, and gave me the support I needed to end things. I've been divorced almost a year now. 50% time/custody split with the kids. I'm in financial hell right now with child support AND a nasty alimony garnishment. Only 3 years left on my alimony sentence. But, hey, I have my emotional health back, and get to see my kids two whole weeks a month. "And now I see the world through diamond eyes"
> 
> Ironically enough, next week will be the 4 year anniversary of the day I first caught her Emotional Affairs (D-Day #1). If I could only go back in time and talk to THAT poor bastard...tell him how it would end.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Amazing at how often the self imposed limbo can last. Jeeze!!!!


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

Oh yes, got out before year 10. 10th year anniversary would have been last week (phew)!. That's when the pain turns up a notch in this state....where it starts to become PERMANENT alimony. There was some method to my getting it all wrapped up before year 10. It's all a rubber stamp in this state thanks to a recent'ish law that was passed. The chosen one (usually always the woman) gets X% for support and Y% for alimony for Z years. And no, most of that $ does NOT go to the kids. They show up in torn/hole-ridden clothes that don't fit.

Yes, when it comes to matters of the heart (or that big empty place where it used to be), there is no Alpha. From now on, mine makes NONE of my decisions.

@tom67 I 100% agree with that youtube post. I will be teaching my 2 sons that exact same thing one day, when they are old enough to understand. Same one I teach all the young men @ work, and all my friends. The fairytale of marriage is just a mantrap.

You know, after my support, taxes I pay for both of us (yeah,it's based on pre-tax salary and taken out post-tax, thanks government!), insurance for me and the kids (yeah, the state makes the guy pay there too), and alimony, I get exactly 24% of my original Gross salary deposited into my bank account. Oh, and I have the kids for 1/2 the time, so I'm really paying for half of all the costs of raising them on my own too. 

This is my reward for being a faithful husband that tried for 3 years to save his marriage. If the alimony didn't end in 3 years, I don't know if I could stay sane. Or sober...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Oh yes, got out before year 10. 10th year anniversary would have been last week (phew)!. That's when the pain turns up a notch in this state....where it starts to become PERMANENT alimony. There was some method to my getting it all wrapped up before year 10. It's all a rubber stamp in this state thanks to a recent'ish law that was passed. The chosen one (usually always the woman) gets X% for support and Y% for alimony for Z years. And no, most of that $ does NOT go to the kids. They show up in torn/hole-ridden clothes that don't fit.
> 
> Yes, when it comes to matters of the heart (or that big empty place where it used to be), there is no Alpha. From now on, mine makes NONE of my decisions.
> 
> ...


I got out lucky. We made the same money, I got 50/50 custody and no child support, got to keep my house, but had to pay all the hidden credit card debt she had ran up that equalled the equity in our house. Coincidentally, I had sold 12k worth (a lot to me) of boats, Harley, sxs... All things I had worked on the side for... 2 weeks after I paid down most of her credit card debt, which I'd done 3times already in the past, she says she wants a divorce.

But I can see I got off easy.

Something needs to be done to fix the system.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Yes, when it comes to matters of the heart (or that big empty place where it used to be), there is no Alpha.


Truer words have never been spoken. It takes too many of us too long to "snap out of it", though.

And women wonder why it tends to take us so long to say, "I love you".

It's all about power, and we're (understandably) reluctant to cede it.



CrackbackedAgain said:


> From now on, mine makes NONE of my decisions.


Sucks, doesn't it?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> You know, after my support, taxes I pay for both of us (yeah,it's based on pre-tax salary and taken out post-tax, thanks government!), insurance for me and the kids (yeah, the state makes the guy pay there too), and alimony, I get exactly 24% of my original Gross salary deposited into my bank account. Oh, and I have the kids for 1/2 the time, so I'm really paying for half of all the costs of raising them on my own too.


Holy crap.

I don't understand how people can afford to live on that.

Does she work at all?


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

Work? Hah! Only if you consider partying, bar hopping, and running through the member list on Tinder alphabetically, one night at a time, newcomers get head of line privilege. I predict that at some point during that last year of alimony she'll finally try to get a job. Or find the next schmuck to marry her. But whatever. If I had a free ride for 3 years, I'd probably skate the easy life too. Ok, probably not, I'd get bored. Hell I get bored on my weekends that I don't have the kids. And @GusPolinski I don't see how anyone could afford to live on it either. If I wasn't getting disability pay, I guess I'd be living in my car somewhere for 3 years. So much for equal treatment, eh?

Hell, the system is set up so she can double dip. She could go get a full time job and they'd STILL only reduce my alimony by 20% of the difference. Hell, it'd cost me more $ in court/lawyer fees to reduce it than it would to just bend over and take it. 

@Evinrude58 , Yeah in some states it is set up a bit more fair. I've got some friends in another state that just got divorced and are set up just like you. Not in the communist, entitlement state that I live in now though. You know, when D-day happened 4 years ago, I was living in one of those states that did things fairly. If I'd have just pulled the plug then, this whole thing would have been a lot less painful. So I preach to everyone now. Once an EA happens, the marriage is done. Cut the cord right away. Anything else is just delaying the inevitable...making it more painful. I didn't realize at the time that once a woman is emotionally detached enough to have an EA, she is done.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Alpha doormat?


Just shows the alpha beta stuff is rubbish doesn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

Yeah it is.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> So I preach to everyone now. Once an EA happens, the marriage is done. Cut the cord right away. Anything else is just delaying the inevitable...making it more painful. I didn't realize at the time that once a woman is emotionally detached enough to have an EA, she is done.


Wish I could "Like" this post several times.

You learned the hard way. I hope some of the others on this site can take your situation and learn from it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I totally agre with this as well. Once a woman has an emotional affair or worse, and gives her feelings to another man, it's over. They will never feel the same way again. My ex did the cybersex thing. I wish her boobs was all she showed. These guys were married and had families and she knew it. We had three young children and by her own admission, her reasons for wanting out were "petty" and I had all the basics right. 

It's a shame that there is a long term payday in 99% of divorces for women, particularly the kids, even if they were cheating or had no legit reason to divorce. They are also automatically deemed the more fit parent and given the kids.
Totally unfair to men.
I was extremely luck in that I knew what a spendthrift my ex was and filed just to protect myself. I never wanted a divorce. I couldn't detach until forced to. She claimed to stop the cybersex. 4 days later I caught her still at it. I had to tell her to leave. But she wanted me to tell her. No loyalty whatsoever.
I often wonder if the guy she's with now, knows he's truly nothing but a check to her. If he ever runs out of money, she will dump him like yesterday's dishwater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Something needs to be done to fix the system.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which ones? We tend to blame the judicial system, but let's be real, it is all in your state laws and isn't hidden. The systems which need to be fixed are religious and societal perceptions of marriage. I do not want this to go sideways so, I won't post my mini rant.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Holy crap.
> 
> I don't understand how people can afford to live on that.
> 
> Does she work at all?


Yeah,and we live in an oppressive patriarchy,right?
600percent more $$spent on breast cancer research vs prostate cancer research. Sentencing disparity between genders for similar offenses. 99 percent of all combat deaths,97 of workplace deaths. 85 percent win rate for women in custody disputes. One shelter vs thousands for battered women,despite DV rates being roughly equal.More men raped each year than women( prison).
Yep,a patriarchy,alright.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Yup.

If a woman puts efforts into another guy, forget it she's not worthy.

As stated above so many of us stayed into it too long.




TDSC60 said:


> Wish I could "Like" this post several times.
> 
> You learned the hard way. I hope some of the others on this site can take your situation and learn from it.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Maxo said:


> Yeah,and we live in an oppressive patriarchy,right?
> 600percent more $$spent on breast cancer research vs prostate cancer research. Sentencing disparity between genders for similar offenses. 99 percent of all combat deaths,97 of workplace deaths. 85 percent win rate for women in custody disputes. One shelter vs thousands for battered women,despite DV rates being roughly equal.More men raped each year than women( prison).
> Yep,a patriarchy,alright.


Oh but men are saying take a hike from this **** at Prager U :wink2:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eq-HffreXig

Scary part Paul was anti MGTOW a few years ago he's MRM.
Yep keep it up feminists.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Oh a classic from my dad's an my university... :surprise:
I love Milo and he's gay so much for free speech comrades.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw-MnRyIoQY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wXIT5w_k4mA

Cultural marxism at it's finest...:|


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

tom67 said:


> Oh a classic from my dad's an my university... :surprise:
> I love Milo and he's gay so much for free speech comrades.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pw-MnRyIoQY
> ...


Milo is ok,but he is nowhere near.as bright as he thinks he is. Elam,Rudov,farrell,Straughn and Hoff Somers,as well as Fiamengo and Paglia seem more knowledgeable.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Maxo said:


> Milo is ok,but he is nowhere near.as bright as he thinks he is. Elam,Rudov,farrell,Straughn and Hoff Somers,as well as Fiamengo and Paglia seem more knowledgeable.


DePaul was disgusting can we agree on that?

Yes feminism IS CANCER.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> So I preach to everyone now. Once an EA happens, the marriage is done. Cut the cord right away. Anything else is just delaying the inevitable...making it more painful. I didn't realize at the time that once a woman is emotionally detached enough to have an EA, she is done.


That is great insight.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Your wife is addicted to the online games and the cybersex with other men. As usual with addictions, soon she will go from cyber to REAL sex because cyber will not longer satisfy her cravings.

I am sorry, if you love your wife, she MUST cut her online activity entirely. Will she be willing to do so? 
She needs marriage counseling, not even for one second believe her addiction is your fault.


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## CrackbackedAgain (Mar 12, 2013)

Thanks @ne9907 , though the ship has already sailed. She did go to real affairs, nearly 2 years ago. This is more of a "what ever happened to that poor guy" update post. It's all over now. Well, the nasty stuff is. Still working on the pain of recovery. I trigger less, but still trigger. I probably should stop coming back here.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

CrackbackedAgain said:


> Thanks @ne9907 , though the ship has already sailed. She did go to real affairs, nearly 2 years ago. This is more of a "what ever happened to that poor guy" update post. It's all over now. Well, the nasty stuff is. Still working on the pain of recovery. I trigger less, but still trigger. I probably should stop coming back here.


I cant say I am sorry you left her. She deserved that. I know you still trigger, but nothing you did is your fault! 
You should be happy you have rid of her. She was venom to your soul.
Be happy, he strong.


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## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

Having no consequences will cause her to never stops. 

Having consequences:
1) may make her try not doing it again which will make her cause other problems in future.
2) may make her try not to do it but she cant resist and do it again more carefully.

In both of the consequences, your marriage is going to be a sad one even if it lasts.

There are 2 options for a happy future:
1)get divorced and try to have a happy life.
2) Try to be with honest with her and her to be sure that her happiness is ur happiness. Make these online talks ur fantasy and you try to enjoy them together. That's only possible if u are into that kind of fantasy and it will only work if she really cares ur relationship. Seperating fantasies/imagination and reality is the biggest step for that.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Yes feminism IS CANCER.


Feminism is about equality, fairness, opportunity, independence and self-sufficiency, for all genders, in all matters.

It just has a dumb name that implies something other than what it is. It should just be called anti-sexism.

The mockery of justice some people have made in the name of feminism is the cancer.


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