# How do I give him space? Please help, very desperate.



## Pinkylove (Jun 21, 2011)

I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for about 3 and half to 4 years. We still love each other greatly but he broke up with me about a month and a half ago. Please bear with me for this will be long.

For two months prior to the break up a lot happened. His parents got really sick. He had problems with his ex wife. His first ex wife got diagnosed with cancer. His level of anxiety sky rocketed. I started to feel a bit neglected and confided in my co-workers about our relationship (after him asking me not to because we work together and he's their manager). He felt betrayed by me for doing so and told me he no longer trusts me. 

I know I was wrong in what I did after he'd asked me multiple times not to. I just felt so lost during those times and he'd be so closed up. He told me he understood why I did what I did, but it still hurts him. 

After the break up he made me move out. I'm currently under stress of finding a place to live. He was so cold to me for the first two weeks but we've gotten better.

He used to not answer my phone calls but now he answers and calls me back if he missed the call. I've asked him about us. He told me that right now he wants space and time to get his life back together and then he wants to cope with our relationship. He's been going to therapy and taking meds but he feels that they arent working, its been about a month since he started taking them. He tells me he still loves me and cares about me very much. He said that he doesnt want this to happen but getting back together would be very selfish of him because he needs to deal with his situation. He said hes not looking for anyone else and that he feels as though Im the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He says that one day hell want me back but the next hell be really angry at me. He said he doesnt want me to disappear but I need to do what I need to do to get on with my life.

My only problem is that I don't know how to deal with my heartbreak right now. It's been almost two months and I'm still hurting. I get anxious and then I'd get urges to call him and cry to him. Everytime I do that it pushes him away more where he tells me he doesn't want to answer my phone calls cause he's afraid of conversations like that. I want him back so bad but I'm doing all the wrong things. Can someone help me cope with this? Can someone give me advice on how to give him space and time, because he really needs it but I can't seem to control myself and give it to him.
PLEASE HELP.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't think there's anything you can do from the sounds of things except to simply move on. If it's meant to be it's meant to be, just let it go. You have to be strong for this.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I don't think there's anything you can do from the sounds of things except to simply move on. If it's meant to be it's meant to be, just let it go. You have to be strong for this.


I think although RD speaks some sense, there might be slightly more positive thoughts if you take on board something a therapist (I now know socially/professionally) I once consulted, who said point blank what happens if you push something? Does it work? Do you achieve resolution of your problems? Well try walking away & see what happens. It (he) might just decide it's worth following/chasing YOU because you're now worth being interested in. Another way of explaining 'interesting', maybe though maybe not from a man's pov, is 'not causing me hassle'.
So space, painful though it may be for you, might - if you can hold on to what he's said that's positive - be the way forward. 
Big 'however' coming. Never lose sight of who you are. What you wanted/want. Get back to that and it won't matter half so much to you if he decides you're not for him. By that time maybe you'll be the you you want for you (if you see what I mean!)


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## Pinkylove (Jun 21, 2011)

madimoff said:


> I think although RD speaks some sense, there might be slightly more positive thoughts if you take on board something a therapist (I now know socially/professionally) I once consulted, who said point blank what happens if you push something? Does it work? Do you achieve resolution of your problems? Well try walking away & see what happens. It (he) might just decide it's worth following/chasing YOU because you're now worth being interested in. Another way of explaining 'interesting', maybe though maybe not from a man's pov, is 'not causing me hassle'.
> So space, painful though it may be for you, might - if you can hold on to what he's said that's positive - be the way forward.
> Big 'however' coming. Never lose sight of who you are. What you wanted/want. Get back to that and it won't matter half so much to you if he decides you're not for him. By that time maybe you'll be the you you want for you (if you see what I mean!)


I understand what you're saying and I get it. It's really difficult to follow though. He wasn't just my lover but my best friend. He was the one I go to when I'm upset and now I don't even have that. He doesn't want to talk about the relationship. I want to so bad. I do feel that once I move on he'll come back to me. I'm at a point right now where I'm suffering ao much emotionally and stressing about living that Ive got a hate for him. I hate that he had so much power over me and Im so angry that I don't think I'll ever take him back once I've moved on. I hope that made sense. I need help to move on. I want to carry hope of us reconciling but I also what to kick his ass cause he's the reason I'm so stressed.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well personally I wouldn't think of positive thoughts in your shoes - I would be thinking of negative thoughts (hate and anger is sometimes very useful to numb emotions) so my mind won't be continuing to keep my hopes up, allowing it to be free to move on and harden (hope and faith in this case doesn't help in my opinion). The positive thoughts I would allow my brain to think would be "meh, who cares, I'm free!" etc

It's tough however, best-friend-lovers are difficult to get over. To be honest, when the missus and I split late last year during our crisis we only lasted a few days before smacking straight back into each other (short-lived seperation!). No matter how much I tried to hate her, I found out I love everything that I hate about her, which was a problem =/

Anyways, I don't really know how else to help you, you're in a difficult situation. But I have a question - he is your best friend, but are YOU also his best friend? Curious really now...


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Everyone has "deal breakers". These are things that are non negotiable in a relationship and once one of these lines is crossed, the relationship is over. 

Hitting and throwing things is one of mine. I dated a great woman, who was funny, and very comfortable to be around. You could say that we clicked. Our first real fight, she just went crazy and started hurling thing around the room. That was all it took. Major deal breaker for me and i dumped her there and then. 

It sounds to me like one of his rules is "Don't threaten my job, income, or ability to earn money." Office romances can cost people their jobs. Especially if one of them is a manager. People can claim sexual harassment, favoritism, unfair treatment, and all sorts of other things. 

It was a deal breaker for him.

Sorry to say, but in my opinion, he made the right decision.


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## Pinkylove (Jun 21, 2011)

To answer your question RD I believe I was his best friend. He use to tell me everything and we shared great times together. He feels betrayed by what I did and it shook everything out of place. The sad part was that this all happened during a very stressful time in his life. He has said that it wasn't just what I did he needed to cope with what happened in his life first and then cope with what happened in our relationship. I know he still loves me. That's what making it so hard for me to hate him. That's whats keeping me with hope. Right now I want to move on and be happy again.

I do agree that I'm in the wrong with this whole situation. I have stopped communicating with my co workers to prove that I can change. He says he still gets angry and that's keeping him from wanting to reconcile. I geuss I should just take everything he says at face value and stop analyzing.
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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In that case I will have to retrack my past statement to a certain degree... I don't believe in faith or hope but I definitely believe in possibility and reality. The fact is...

Best friend/lover relationships - they don't tend die off that quick.

Nonetheless, I may also have to retract what I said about hate and anger. Negative emotions sure, but they would have helped in a different situation. But in your case, you need something else; PRIDE. Negative? No, depends on the culture.

Either way, in my own personal belief -> Be proud of who you are, and be 'selfish' to the point where you will look out for number one - yourself. Don't let yourself get dragged down by this, be strong, and if it will help you - think about it - you will also be strong for him through this.


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## Pinkylove (Jun 21, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> In that case I will have to retrack my past statement to a certain degree... I don't believe in faith or hope but I definitely believe in possibility and reality. The fact is...
> 
> Best friend/lover relationships - they don't tend die off that quick.
> 
> ...



I agree with you RD. I do have to look out for me cause no one else will. He's been telling me that he doesn't want me to disappear from his life but I need to do what I need to do. He doesn't want to hold me back. All this time I've been thinking that hes messing with my head bit really he's being honest and telling me how he really feels. He doesn't know what he wants, and I know I want to be happy and I'm going to do what I need to be happy. Thanks everyone you've really helped me a lot!
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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

2 ex wives? How old is he?


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## Pinkylove (Jun 21, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> 2 ex wives? How old is he?


36
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