# Somewhat of a Unique Situation... Attraction to My Wife



## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

This may be somewhat of a unique situation to some readers. I'll start off by saying I love my wife dearly, and have been married to her for close to ten years. After our second child who is now close to a year old, we now have sex maybe once a month (initially due to understandable lack of desire on her part...which has persisted). I would love to be more intimate with her, but (this is somewhat embarassing to admit) she has also been losing weight to the point that I am now feeling less attracted to her along with the decreased intimacy which was already present. She is aware about my concerns about her weight loss, though I have never mentioned anything about my loss of attraction, though she is aware of my preference. She has mentioned that she finds me attractive though I wish it showed more in action, although the words are nice. I dont look at other women, treat my wife dearly, and am a supportive father and husband. 

She has never been a heavy woman herself and her personality and friendship is what attracted me to her. I found her most attractive in all the time weve been together after our second child after she had put on some baby weight, the irony being she was not comfortable with her body image and lost it all and more. I am supportive of her. I feel that some women would love to be in a situation where their husband is attracted to them for their real bodies and not for any unrealistic standards seen in magazines and the like. 

As we have been less intimate, along with me losing desire for her, I find myself being attracted to other women who are on the heavier side (not to any extremes, have always found plus size women attractive). I would never stray, but feel conflicted as our intimacy has dwindled and I am concerned she would be hurt if I mentioned anything about my attraction to her. Any ideas on how to best approach this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just so that we have an idea, can you tell us how tall your wife is and how much she weighted when you married her, when she had that extra baby fat and now?

It's hard to tell what is going without this info.

I mean if your wife is getting to be below an healthy weight then the answer is very different than if she was no at or above normal weight for her height.


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## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Just so that we have an idea, can you tell us how tall your wife is and how much she weighted when you married her, when she had that extra baby fat and now?
> 
> It's hard to tell what is going without this info.
> 
> I mean if your wife is getting to be below an healthy weight then the answer is very different than if she was no at or above normal weight for her height.


She is 5'4 and around 115-120lbs prior to pregnancy (now probably about the same or less), has straddled the line of being underweight for most of the time we have known each other. She had put on 25-30 lbs of baby weight close to a year ago and wore it very well.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Is there something else going on? If you were attracted to her in the beginning and she was never heavy, as you have indicated, then what is different? Has she become thin to the point of looking ill? If you have always been attracted to heavier women what made you gravitate towards a thin woman and marry her? I am not saying that you are not entitled to find whatever type of woman attractive that you find attractive but why pursue and marry one with the opposite trait? If you were able to mostly disregard the physical attraction aspect in favor of the personality and friendship aspects before what is different now? More information would be helpful.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

5'-4" and 120 lbs certainly sounds healthy and a good weight.

would you call her 'skinny'?

Lots of men (me included) like meat on the bones and even a bit more. why do you think you are less attracted to her?

As to your original question, every woman is different, so it's hard to suggest approaches. Maybe something like "honey, I think what your doing is great, but I like you the way you are, even when you have a few more pounds".


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## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Is there something else going on? If you were attracted to her in the beginning and she was never heavy, as you have indicated, then what is different? Has she become thin to the point of looking ill? If you have always been attracted to heavier women what made you gravitate towards a thin woman and marry her? I am not saying that you are not entitled to find whatever type of woman attractive that you find attractive but why pursue and marry one with the opposite trait? If you were able to mostly disregard the physical attraction aspect in favor of the personality and friendship aspects before what is different now? More information would be helpful.


I feel that most of my life revolves around work, the kids, and her emotional needs, while making sure that the family is provided for and comfortable. We both know that my needs are not met, and I am at the point of now being indifferent after repeated let downs (ex: says we'll be intimate the next day... next day comes... says she forgot, or not in the mood). She says she would like to be more intimate with me, and that she finds me attractive, but she has had no desire. She doesnt appear to be depressed. 

We spend very little time with each other, aside from taking care of the kids, and when we do, a lot of it feels very vanilla/bland. She is a wonderful parent and friend, though I wish there was more passionate expression between us as partners. I can hardly say that sex has been amazing with her, except for a few occasions (can count on one hand) in the time we have been together. I am usually the one initiating something new or interesting, or planning something or the other related to intimacy, and at times I wish there was just more spontaneity on her part. 

More recently, when I've tried to cuddle with her, I can feel her hip bones, and just the feeling of it turns me off. Similarly, recently, I thought the jeans she was wearing were her jeans from when she was pregnant because they were baggy, but found out that they were jeans she had recently bought that are now loose on her. The prolonged periods of limited intimacy, along with the issue of diminishing attraction has led to me craving the intimacy but at the same time, developing a sense of indifference and distance.

I respect her and am supportive of her, though wish I were more attracted to her, especially now that the expression of intimacy has been so low.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> *Is there something else going on?* If you were attracted to her in the beginning and she was never heavy, as you have indicated, then what is different? Has she become thin to the point of looking ill? If you have always been attracted to heavier women what made you gravitate towards a thin woman and marry her? I am not saying that you are not entitled to find whatever type of woman attractive that you find attractive but why pursue and marry one with the opposite trait? If you were able to mostly disregard the physical attraction aspect in favor of the personality and friendship aspects before what is different now? More information would be helpful.


:iagree:

I'm 5'5" and about 118 lbs myself, so I'm very similar to the size of your wife. It's a healthy weight and not below a normal BMI. That is my real body. Since she has always been around this size, what is so "different" now?

You have a baby who is close to a year old. Is your wife still breastfeeding? Does she have PPD or PPA?


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## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm 5'5" and about 118 lbs myself, so I'm very similar to the size of your wife. It's a healthy weight and not below a normal BMI. Since she has always been around this size, what is so "different" now?
> 
> You have a baby who is close to a year old. Is your wife still breastfeeding? Does she have PPD or PPA?


Still breastfeeding, on oral contraception which may be a factor. The baby (wonderful child) is always in the bed with us, and I mean always. I've slept on the couch for the first half of the year because I've given up as the baby keeps from us having any form of intimacy.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Gears said:


> Still breastfeeding, on oral contraception which may be a factor. The baby (wonderful child) is always in the bed with us, and I mean always. I've slept on the couch for the first half of the year because I've given up as the baby keeps from us having any form of intimacy.


Breastfeeding takes a lot of calories, so that can definitely lead to more weight loss. Have you suggested a different type of contraceptive? Would you offer to wear a condom instead? 

As for the sleeping arrangements, why not side car a crib to your bed? Here is a picture of what it can look like: Bed Side Crib Picture Ideas: 10 Astonishing Side Car Crib Image Inspirational That way baby is close and you can both still sleep together. 

Is the baby sleeping through the night? If baby is sleeping through the night, can you talk about moving the baby to another room or having a crib in your room, but at the other side of the room? I found moving my son to another room to help a lot with getting better sleep, but that's only if baby is sleeping through the night(or just one waking).


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## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> Breastfeeding takes a lot of calories, so that can definitely lead to more weight loss. Have you suggested a different type of contraceptive? Would you offer to wear a condom instead?
> 
> As for the sleeping arrangements, why not side car a crib to your bed? Here is a picture of what it can look like: Bed Side Crib Picture Ideas: 10 Astonishing Side Car Crib Image Inspirational That way baby is close and you can both still sleep together.
> 
> Is the baby sleeping through the night?


Those are wonderful suggestions! Thank you. I'll look into the car crib and will discuss alternate forms of birth control.


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## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> Breastfeeding takes a lot of calories, so that can definitely lead to more weight loss. Have you suggested a different type of contraceptive? Would you offer to wear a condom instead?
> 
> As for the sleeping arrangements, why not side car a crib to your bed? Here is a picture of what it can look like: Bed Side Crib Picture Ideas: 10 Astonishing Side Car Crib Image Inspirational That way baby is close and you can both still sleep together.
> 
> Is the baby sleeping through the night? If baby is sleeping through the night, can you talk about moving the baby to another room or having a crib in your room, but at the other side of the room? I found moving my son to another room to help a lot with getting better sleep, but that's only if baby is sleeping through the night(or just one waking).


Those are wonderful suggestions! Thank you. I will look into the side crib setup, and will discuss alternative forms of birth control with the wifey.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gears said:


> I feel that most of my life revolves around work, the kids, and her emotional needs, while making sure that the family is provided for and comfortable.


What are these emotional needs of hers that you are sending all this energy on?

What emotional needs of yours, besides sex, is she not meeting?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gears said:


> Still breastfeeding, on oral contraception which may be a factor. The baby (wonderful child) is always in the bed with us, and I mean always. I've slept on the couch for the first half of the year because I've given up as the baby keeps from us having any form of intimacy.


The hormones from breastfeeding can lower a woman's libido. Oral contraceptives usually lower a woman's libido.

Are you still sleeping on the couch?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sex once a month simply isn't enough to keep a man emotionally connected to a woman. I think the same of once a week. It's the low libido and lack of connection that is driving your loss of attraction, not the weight loss. The weight loss is just an excuse.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Never give up the marital bed. Especially for a child. This is where my marriage went off the rails. Wish TAM would have been around then because I never would have let it happen.


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## Gears (Dec 26, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the helpful comments. I haven't been sleeping on the couch for the past few months, but at times I'm tempted to (out of frustration with the situation, or not being able to sleep b/c of the baby) Being physically intimate is probably the main thing that would help me feel more attracted and connected to her.


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## happilyMRSinYAHUSHA (Jul 14, 2014)

Sorry u r going thru this. I am 5"8 and barely 110 and it drives my husband wild w lust he loves my body to the extreme! I have always hated it and felt akward so its a relief that he enjoys me the way I naturally am. But I will say what has always caused me to gain weight is eating lots of fruits and veggies, weird I know but one month of milkshakes and fresh food I gained 6 pounds. Maybe u can encourage her to eat this way? Also about her lacking desire I would def get off the birth control. That stuff just rly messes w women I know first hand. I also have called out my friends saying u look like ur on the pill and yep turns out they had started taking it! I have breastfed two babies and I know my hormones are certainly different than normal, as long as I wasnt stressed I still desired my husband every day! I am breastfeeding them bith now, one is 20 minths, one is 3 weeks and I am desiring him like crazy!!!! Is she stressed? I guarantee that just a small amount of help n support from u will go a looong way, go buy her donuts n coffee n a new necklace and suprise her one morning! Then she will see the necklace as she breatfeeds. U can get her one w a stone u think will benefit her, yes stones have vibrational frequencies and do influence us. Im sure there are stines to spark desire. Mt man thought I should have a blue sapphire necklace after our first was born  gosh I love him!! And we do fight even pretty frequently so we r far from petfect marriage. He hasnt slept in the bed w me for 20 months bc of the kids we both hate it im going to try the bedside crib like some one suggested. Any way just wanted to give u some hope!


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## happilyMRSinYAHUSHA (Jul 14, 2014)

Oh and also I believe men are allowed to have more than one woman and its not adultery but if ur marriage agreement was to be w only her than do not give in and betray her!! Yall can work this problem out easily but if u betray her it will become so complicated. Be patient and focus on long term and just do all u can for the lady u love n mother of ur babies! And if she hasnnt learned how to have vaginal orgasms she should seriously figure it out. I believe its mainly up to her to learn to love to let go n give it to her man! Have some fun marriage is awesome!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Is there something else going on? *If you were attracted to her in the beginning and she was never heavy, as you have indicated, then what is different? Has she become thin to the point of looking ill?* If you have always been attracted to heavier women what made you gravitate towards a thin woman and marry her? I am not saying that you are not entitled to find whatever type of woman attractive that you find attractive but *why pursue and marry one with the opposite trait?* If you were able to mostly disregard the physical attraction aspect in favor of the personality and friendship aspects before what is different now? More information would be helpful.


^^^ I was wondering about this myself?

If she does attempt to gain weight -- make sure she exercises at the same time; so that it is "solid" and not flabby.

Also, gaining more weight (20 extra pounds or more) gives your heart a lot more work. So, she would have to keep up cardio exercise too.

But, I am curious why you "picked" a thin woman; when you are not attracted to thin women???


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

I would like to hunt down the creator or authors of any co-sleeping books, myself.

As a father of adopted children who came home & needed extra bonding time, I agreed to my wife's wishes & social worker's suggestion of co-sleeping. Big mistake. This just added many years of perfect excuses to my wife's just-say-no repertoire.

I have also had screwy issues with my wife losing weight. A year and a half ago my wife trained for a marathon and got absolutely ripped. I was turned on to the max. Unfortunately, we were in that rut of once-a-month sex. In hind-sight, I must have been OK with that for years, but not now that she was turning me on even more. The rejections really started to hurt. Things came to a head.

And that's how I eventually found this site.

A lot of things changed for the better. I took charge and cut the strings of my youngest child sleeping in their own room. Read books, "woke up", and told her no more. 

2014 was a great year. However, I see the same thing happening again now that she's really into Pilates. It's like the better shape she gets into, the less she desires sex. 

And this might seem really weird, but as her body changes, I find it a little bit of a turnoff. Or at least distracting, which is affecting my own desire & erection (which I sometimes struggle with). I would have thought it would be the opposite--kind of like a new woman--a bit more thrilling. But it's not.

One obvious thing is that her bust size shrinks first when she loses weight. I'm more of a leg-man, so I'd like to think that this isn't affecting me, but I feel like maybe it adds to it.

And while the "sight" of her skinny body turns me on, the feel of her muscles & abs is a bit of a turn off. There is less of her to love. Less to hang on to, less to hug. I am missing the warm cushion & warmth. Now she's colder & harder. And it matches her attitude, which I think is really the culprit.

She's never been really affectionate to begin with, but now it's worse.

Luckily I have this site & the tools to handle this.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sure, sit your wife down and have a serious conversation about LACK OF INTIMACY.

This is your primary issue and one that WILL kill your relationship (rather you like it or not).

If she loves you, she would go up and beyond to make sure your sexual needs are met. 

She should know how important this is, and what's on the line.

Meanwhile, I would also ask what you can do better and what her expectations are on the intimate end. Do you initiate? Do you spend plenty of time with her doing other things? 

Do you guys get alone time together? All of these are important questions.

Remember, intimacy to women has more to do with what happens before vs the act itself. The build up is important (sometimes it can be something as simple as doing dishes......or giving her a hand with some house chore she usually does).

Regardless, focus on the issue at hand. And make sure she takes action!

Personally, I would not be able to settle in a marriage with no intimacy or live it FOREVER.

I would give this about 3 months to improve before I would tell her "I'm thinking about a divorce" as a final warning.

But keep in mind intimacy is VERY high on my list of importance.

And no, I would not my kids/their age dictate my decision....

PS. just like you OP I have 0 attraction for skinny/petite women. I love a nice hour glass figure/thicker women.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm 5'5" and about 118 lbs myself, so I'm very similar to the size of your wife. It's a healthy weight and not below a normal BMI. That is my real body. Since she has always been around this size, what is so "different" now?
> 
> You have a baby who is close to a year old. Is your wife still breastfeeding? Does she have PPD or PPA?


It all depends on body structure. I'm also 5'5", and when I was down to 142 I was in xs/s in most stores. I kept grabbing mediums, and the attendants in stores would correct me (seams were off) and then go grab the smaller sizes. 

When it came to pants, if I had gotten a tummy tuck, I would have been in a size 0 or 2 at the most (I was down to a solid 4). I try not to shop places that the sizes are too off or there is too much vanity sizing. That makes it hard for me to know what usually fits. 

Others might be wearing a bigger size at the same height and weight. I just wore my weight differently and my body shape is different than that of others. Everyone is different.


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