# Wife’s high school BF sending her Facebook PM about his “dream”



## NYCguy (Aug 4, 2020)

My (45M) wife’s (44F) high school/early college boyfriend sent her out of the blue a Facebook PM saying he “just awoke from a vivid dream with you in it. You looked like you were 22....” She broke up with him early in college but he obsessively chased after her until his last attempt when my wife was 22 and she said no. I started dating her a year later, now married happily for 20 years.
He (also married) sent the PM at 5:30 AM from a Florida hotel room where he was at a conference. He also said that he “is here for you if ever needed” in response to her post the day before that she was feeling down.
I was aware they were Facebook friends (I’m not on Facebook) for about 10 years but in retrospect I should have objected given his crazy obsession. I thought he had grown up. She offered to unfriend him and I said yes. 
In case she/we ever go to her HS reunion and we need to discuss further: is there any way to interpret the “dream” as anything but an attempt to move her toward an emotional or even physical cheat? Or at the very least entirely inappropriat? Back in the Dark Ages when I was single, telling a female you had a dream about her was a pickup line, even if you didn’t get into details. Thanks


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

He was obviously trying to start up a conversation, with the hopes of it leading to more, and your wife didn't take the bait.

Did she tell you about this or did you find it on your own?

You WILL have people here say she has been cheating with him for the last 20 years or as part of a midlife crisis. Be prepared...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I think you posted this on reddit did you not like the comments/advice that were noted there?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

NYCguy said:


> In case she/we ever go to her HS reunion and we need to discuss further: is there any way to interpret the “dream” as anything but an attempt to move her toward an emotional or even physical cheat? Or at the very least entirely inappropriat?


Do you think your wife wants to cheat on you? 

I think the guy is a loser for messaging your wife, but that doesn't mean your wife is going to cheat. She asked you if she should block him, you should have said YES!

There's no HS reunion planned, isn't? Why worry about that now? 

Block the creep and move on.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He was fishing. Happens ALL the time on social media. She didn’t take the bait.
Plus she blocked him. Sounds like you have a great wife.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Take screen shots of the entirely inappropriate conversation and forward them to OMs wife.

Then send her the numbers for a Divorce Attorney, Polygraph and Marriage Councelor in their area.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some dreams, never seem to die.

They die, at last, when the dreamer takes his last 'realized' breath.

..........................................................................

I give the (OM) credit for his stubborness, and equal discredit for his lack of honor and objectiveness.

OM is obsessed with OP's wife, she lives, uncomfortably, in his head.

.........................................................................

(I know of these things, these (head) living conditions, myself!!)

........................................................................

I fear not, for this marriage of OP's. I suspect his wife was 'just' being kind, when 'kind-acting' to this orbiter, just, justly not, prolonged the cruel futility and falsehood of this, his dream.

OP's wife was likely continually flattered by his words and thoughts.

Why would she not....be?

She had not the heart to 'cut deep and free' his existence.
Yet, when asked, she did so, for her husband.

_THRD-_


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Yet, when asked, she did so, for her husband.


The honor goes to your wife .... I'll go with the dishonor for the interloper. I agree with @TAMAT. Let his wife know ..... you may save lots of heartache for a family who is likely going to become victims of a cheater..... maybe it won't go that far....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We all have these dreams, and some of them take hold hold of us, taking us to dark places.

Some dreams, ah, those acted upon, can backfire on us. 

While, OM's actual dream _photo-op_ never materialized, its _negative image_ will soon come to light.

And the _Obsessed One_ will be seen, only in that negative light.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Spicy said:


> He was fishing. Happens ALL the time on social media. She didn’t take the bait.
> Plus she blocked him. Sounds like you have a great wife.


This is why I am not on Facebook, nor do I allow my FWW on there. I have two friends who were victims of an old boyfriend connecting with their wives. One had affair and remained married, the other left her H for her old high school flame. I have my on not so nice name for Facebook....F—-book.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You'd think she would have learned after him being obsessive with her. Of course he's still quite capable of being obsessed with her. I doubt she's got anything much for him since he probably behaved so badly back then, but she's enjoying the attention and adoration, no doubt. Me, I'd run from it because I don't like obsessive types. They can easily turn into stalkers. I'd feel better if this guy lives across the US from you, but given any encouragement, I'm sure he'd slide into town. I hope she ends all contact with him, not so much because she might cheat but because he is certainly capable of stirring up trouble between you and escalating the situation. 

So does she attent the high school reunions? If so, you just be certain to go with her and stay right by her side, and tell her you're going to, too. But he can't pull anything with you right there. He'll probably be a weasel and come and make nice to you and hope he gets a chance to get her off by herself.


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## NYCguy (Aug 4, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You'd think she would have learned after him being obsessive with her. Of course he's still quite capable of being obsessed with her. I doubt she's got anything much for him since he probably behaved so badly back then, but she's enjoying the attention and adoration, no doubt. Me, I'd run from it because I don't like obsessive types. They can easily turn into stalkers. I'd feel better if this guy lives across the US from you, but given any encouragement, I'm sure he'd slide into town. I hope she ends all contact with him, not so much because she might cheat but because he is certainly capable of stirring up trouble between you and escalating the situation.
> 
> So does she attent the high school reunions? If so, you just be certain to go with her and stay right by her side, and tell her you're going to, too. But he can't pull anything with you right there. He'll probably be a weasel and come and make nice to you and hope he gets a chance to get her off by herself.


I agree re my wife liking the attention hence the FB connection. We’re talking through that and I think we’ll be good. 

He’s in the Boston area in their hometown and we’re in North NJ so there’s enough distance. Looking back now I think he actually waited to see if my wife was going to return to their hometown after grad school (and while he knew I was dating her) before asking his now wife to marry him. Crazy stuff that I should’ve been more on top of. Thanks


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> This is why I am not on Facebook, nor do I allow my FWW on there. I have two friends who were victims of an old boyfriend connecting with their wives. One had affair and remained married, the other left her H for her old high school flame. I have my on not so nice name for Facebook....F—-book.


I'm with you. I heard on the radio a while back that Facebook is now responsible for 33% of divorces. If that's true, why would anyone allow that crap into their home?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NYCguy said:


> I agree re my wife liking the attention hence the FB connection. We’re talking through that and I think we’ll be good.
> 
> He’s in the Boston area in their hometown and we’re in North NJ so there’s enough distance. Looking back now I think he actually waited to see if my wife was going to return to their hometown after grad school (and while he knew I was dating her) before asking his now wife to marry him. Crazy stuff that I should’ve been more on top of. Thanks


Yeah, that sounds about right. He probably would derail his own life to be with her if he thought she was interested. Hope he doesn't end up just moving to where you guys are, but that's why it's best she cuts it off now. She wasn't interested in him anymore back then anyway, but he never stopped hoping, so now he's a bit of a vulture. She can surely see that.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

NYCguy said:


> I agree re my wife liking the attention hence the FB connection. We’re talking through that and I think we’ll be good.
> 
> He’s in the Boston area in their hometown and we’re in North NJ so there’s enough distance. Looking back now I think he actually waited to see if my wife was going to return to their hometown after grad school (and while he knew I was dating her) before asking his now wife to marry him. Crazy stuff that I should’ve been more on top of. Thanks


So whatever is, has, or will go on... Please do not fool yourself into believing that your wife could not meet up with a guy in Boston because of the distance. That is just really kind of silly. He could come down any time he wanted to. It only takes an hour at a hotel room. 

Not saying that is happening, but don't lie to yourself about this stuff. It will end up biting you on the ass...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

First off she should not have friended old BF. I do not understand people doing this crap, playing with fire.

2nd is spouses going to HS Reunions alone. Hell No! Cromer's buddy's wife screwed her HS BF at a reunion 15 yrs ago and he found message from classmates.com where guy was listing what he wanted to do with her...and did. The buddy found out and hit her with divorce and went awol. Spent alot of money at the Bunny Ranch in Nevada and posting reviews on all the girls. Wife distraught over her destroying the marriage of over 20 yrs over some HS F.Buddy filing that was 15 yrs ago in the truck at her HS reunion.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NYCguy said:


> I agree re my wife liking the attention hence the FB connection. We’re talking through that and I think we’ll be good.
> 
> He’s in the Boston area in their hometown and we’re in North NJ so there’s enough distance. Looking back now I think he actually waited to see if my wife was going to return to their hometown after grad school (and while he knew I was dating her) before asking his now wife to marry him. Crazy stuff that I should’ve been more on top of. Thanks



The time is now to set your boundaries. Chit chat with XBF is off limits. There is a reason they are an X. Now, do yourself a favor and start dating your W again. Cruise control simply does not work.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

It's still definitely a pick-up line. If he's being inappropriate like that, she should definitely de-friend him. And he's MARRIED? His poor wife, probably doesn't have a clue!


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## NYCguy (Aug 4, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> It's still definitely a pick-up line. If he's being inappropriate like that, she should definitely de-friend him. And he's MARRIED? His poor wife, probably doesn't have a clue!


The real head scratcher is why his wife allowed the FB friending. She was 1 year ahead of him and my wife in HS so she knew they were a thing. The sudden unfriending may raise questions in her mind as to what happened


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

NYCguy said:


> The real head scratcher is why his wife allowed the FB friending. She was 1 year ahead of him and my wife in HS so she knew they were a thing. The sudden unfriending may raise questions in her mind as to what happened


No I don't think so. 

This guy was fishing. I will lay odds that his wife does not know about it...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

NYCguy said:


> The real head scratcher is why his wife allowed the FB friending. She was 1 year ahead of him and my wife in HS so she knew they were a thing. The sudden unfriending may raise questions in her mind as to what happened


She may not have known about the FB friending. Most people probably don't go through their spouse's friend list unless they have good reason to. I never thought about it until I had good reason to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I think you posted this on reddit did you not like the comments/advice that were noted there?


He asks for more advice from a different source? Good for him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> He asks for more advice from a different source? Good for him.


And if he posted this in R/relationships... lord help him. They will tell you to divorce if your spouse sneezes.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NYCguy said:


> The real head scratcher is why his wife allowed the FB friending. She was 1 year ahead of him and my wife in HS so she knew they were a thing. The sudden unfriending may raise questions in her mind as to what happened


How many people actually go through their spouse’s Facebook and tell them who they can and who they cannot friend on Facebook?

Almost all of my exes are on my friends list and my wife’s ex who was a stalker and had police called on him a number times and didn’t stop coming around until I chased him through town in a high speed car chase is on her friends list. 

People are adults and don’t really need anyone’s permission on who they do and who they don’t have on their friends list.

Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor and if a spouse has a big problem with someone, it’s usually best to not rock the boat or do anything that will knowingly upset or make your partner uncomfortable.

But none of us really has the right to tell someone who they can or can’t have on their friends list. 

His wife may not even know your wife is on his friend list. My wife has a few hundred people on her list, I don’t go through her list. I don’t even know most of them and other than the guy mentioned above, I wouldn’t know who she has or hasn’t dated or hooked up with just as she doesn’t know who I dated or got with in my youth. 

I doubt if most people know who their spouse is friending or unfriending at any given time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@NYCguy how did you find out about this?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Send a message to his wife alerting her that he's hitting on your wife. Better yet, send his wife the message he sent your wife. 

Then follow up by sending him a message to knock it off and don't look back. 

The rest is between you and your wife as to why her boundaries allowed her to friend him in the first place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as him messaging her, trust and have full faith and confidence that he is a snake in the grass. 

He was definitely fishing and feeling her out for a response. 

If she had replied, “ tell me all the details and then meet me in Providence and let’s make this dream cum true!” He would’ve been there in record time. 

The problem is anything but radio silence or telling him off will be interpreted as an unclosed door and that he has a chance. 

And a bigger problem is if he is a true narcissist (which 90+ percent of the people we call narcissists here, really aren’t), it will never truly end. 

A true narcissist stalker will never truly let it go, they will always cycle back around at some point. 

They hate to lose and cannot accept that someone may not be secretly pining for them even if they say it’s over. They cannot accept defeat.

Their interest will wax and wane over time depending on who else they are tormenting at the time, but they always cycle back around after seeming dormant for years or even decades. If he’s one of those, you’ll have to pond him into the ground until it just becomes too painful and costly for him to keep coming around.

If he’s just a lovelorn ex with visions of sugar plums dancing in his head, then it’s an issue of both of you asserting unmistakable boundaries. 

An inconvenient truth that a lot of men have trouble understanding, is that in a lot of instances the wife isn’t all that keen on really lowering the boom because deep down they do enjoy the attention and it is flattering and ego stroking to have an old flame still have a glowing ember for you. 

Even if it was a bad break up and someone they really didn’t want to end up with, it’s still an ego stroke and if it was a hot and heavy relationship at one time, it does bring back some nastalgic memories and feelings. 

In which case it comes back to asserting your boundaries on what you are and what you are not willing to accept from her.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

NYCguy said:


> The real head scratcher is why his wife allowed the FB friending.


Good point, it's probably the same reason you allowed it...you thought he was over it; I guess she assumed the same. It's a tough position to be in now, b/c do you tell her? I mean, I would want to know if my husband were a pig. But a lot of people tend to be in denial about it/won't believe you.


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## NYCguy (Aug 4, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Good point, it's probably the same reason you allowed it...you thought he was over it. It's a tough position to be in now, b/c do you tell her? I mean, I would want to know if my husband were a pig. But a lot of people tend to be in denial about it/won't believe you.


Telling his wife crossed my mind (and my wife’s since they went to HS together). But they have 2 kids and I don’t want to do something that could blow up their family (yet anyway). Of course I am furious that he lobbed a bomb into my family (3 kids). Hopefully the unfriending sends the message to go away and we‘ll work on setting boundaries/protections to prevent another attack.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

anchorwatch said:


> Send a message to his wife alerting her that he's hitting on your wife. Better yet, send his wife the message he sent your wife.
> 
> Then follow up by sending him a message to knock it off and don't look back.
> 
> The rest is between you and your wife as to why her boundaries allowed her to friend him in the first place.


If it is something problematic, I agree with the first paragraph. Nip this is the bid and make his fishing expedition come with a price. 

Otherwise if there’s no price to pay, he’ll just see it as an opening to try again or try another approach. 

As far as the 2nd paragraph, you have to be reasonable and the devil is in the details.

Was he a “real” stalker that would break into her apartment and steal her dirty underwear and follow her all over town and park outside her house all night in the rain and call her dozens of times a day and leave countless messages on her answering machine (20 years ago) a day and try to run off every guy she spoke to?

Or was he just kind of a typical collage age ex BF that would drunk-call periodically hoping for some kind of booty call or hoping to catch her that one time she got home drunk from the bar while she was ovulating and had just had a spat with some other dude she was dating and and said, “ ok you can come over, but just for tonight.”

My point is what a husband calls a stalker and what really is a stalker are often two completely different things.

And what a girl tells her current BF/husband about her ex is often a far cry from reality as well. 

If he was the first kind of “stalker,” and she had an actual beef against him, she most likely never would have friended him on social media in the first place. 

If he was just a nosey ex that came sniffing around periodically when one or the other of them were drunk in college, that is a whole other topic.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I might be able to speculate why. Typically, especially younger inexperienced people feel sorry for someone who was obsessed with them and don't understand how many boundaries the person actually probably trampled on to keep it up. You know, they see them as "lovesick" instead of just "sick" to keep holding onto it and weaseling their way back in. Just conjecture, not knowing either of them, but I learned a lot about stalker and obsessive types over the decades, and it's very common for them to get by with so much for so long because either the love object or their parents or their friends feels sorry for them and keeps feeding them information instead of letting the love object make a clean break. If they get cut off from the person directly, they are very likely to appeal to friends or family. I hope this isn't like that. But he is being a little predatory. 

One of my exes from 40 years ago still has a hanger on interfering with his marriage. It's funny because I went to a club concert with the ex and his wife of 30 years and it's the one thing she asked me about, this woman. He had recently given her money (she can't keep a job because she is a sociopathic liar at work -- I know because I worked with both of them at one point.) And she was still minipulating him. Now, I know him well enough to know that he's one of those "If they're nice to me" guys and also that she would flatter and pretend he was her hero around work and lie about other employees, including me, while buttering up the male bosses and getting away with it for a very long time. So he loved the way she made him feel like a big man, basically.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NYCguy said:


> Telling his wife crossed my mind (and my wife’s since they went to HS together). But they have 2 kids and I don’t want to do something that could blow up their family (yet anyway). Of course I am furious that he lobbed a bomb into my family (3 kids). Hopefully the unfriending sends the message to go away and we‘ll work on setting boundaries/protections to prevent another attack.



He likely has other contact info for your wife, so you better find out what. Did she tell him why she was unfriending him? If he continues to try to reach her, I only hope you know about it. If he lets it drop, then he was probably not a big threat to begin with, but if she has let him know she's ending contact and he should persist, that's when you consider the next step.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NYCguy said:


> My (45M) wife’s (44F) high school/early college boyfriend sent her out of the blue a Facebook PM saying he “just awoke from a vivid dream with you in it. You looked like you were 22....” She broke up with him early in college but he obsessively chased after her until his last attempt when my wife was 22 and she said no. I started dating her a year later, now married happily for 20 years.
> He (also married) sent the PM at 5:30 AM from a Florida hotel room where he was at a conference. He also said that he “is here for you if ever needed” in response to her post the day before that she was feeling down.
> I was aware they were Facebook friends (I’m not on Facebook) for about 10 years but in retrospect I should have objected given his crazy obsession. I thought he had grown up. She offered to unfriend him and I said yes.
> In case she/we ever go to her HS reunion and we need to discuss further: is there any way to interpret the “dream” as anything but an attempt to move her toward an emotional or even physical cheat? Or at the very least entirely inappropriat? Back in the Dark Ages when I was single, telling a female you had a dream about her was a pickup line, even if you didn’t get into details. Thanks


Forward his message to his wife. If you erased everything, send him a picture of you in a bikini and tell him you have been dreaming about him too.😉


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Send the message to his wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Forward his message to his wife. If you erased everything, send him a picture of you in a bikini and tell him you have been dreaming about him too.😉


Reminds me a facebook meme going around a few years back where some teenage punk txt this guy’s daughter saying he wanted to see her in only her underwear.

So the dad sent him back a picture of himself in his underwear with a pistol in his waistband.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

NYCguy said:


> Telling his wife crossed my mind (and my wife’s since they went to HS together). But they have 2 kids and I don’t want to do something that could blow up their family (yet anyway). Of course I am furious that he lobbed a bomb into my family (3 kids). Hopefully the unfriending sends the message to go away and we‘ll work on setting boundaries/protections to prevent another attack.


Then that sounds like the right course of action to take!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> He likely has other contact info for your wife, so you better find out what. Did she tell him why she was unfriending him? If he continues to try to reach her, I only hope you know about it. If he lets it drop, then he was probably not a big threat to begin with, but if she has let him know she's ending contact and he should persist, that's when you consider the next step.


I am also curious as to what kind of prior contact they have had. 

I am also hoping NYCguy replies to my question on how he found out about it. 

I have actually hooked up with some old flings off of social media (former swinger) and I wasn’t even that bold as to write someone out of the blue 20 years later with that intro.

Has there been previous contact that emboldened him to write to her about a dream at 5 in the morning from a hotel? 

Has she either knowingly or unknowingly given him some kind of green light that it is ok to contact her about dreams from hotel rooms? 

Is this guy actually one of the world’s biggest cads or is there more to this? 

I don’t want to feed paranoia and I don’t believe that there is a cheater behind every bush, tree or shadow, but this seems pretty bold even for a jerk. 

I don’t want to be paranoid, but I don’t want to be irresponsible either. There’s something things here not completely adding up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My suggestion is to discuss sending his wife a screen shot of his message(s) and tell your wife that this is not an acceptable thing for married man to be doing with another married woman and that his wife needs to be aware of his Tomfoolery so she can protect herself. 

I would also add in that if he would send this to her 20 years later that he is likely hitting on other women as well and that she needs to be aware of his behavior.

I would discuss this very matter if factly and without passion, anger, suspicion, jealousy or emotion. Say she needs to be informed for her own protection like you would tell someone you noticed oil dripping from their car. 

Now, the actual purpose of this is not only to possibly nip this cad in the bud, but also to assess and gauge your wife’s reaction.

Does she seem concerned about the other wife and agree with it?

Does she seem defensive and have a bunch of reasons why that shouldn’t be done?

Does she get angry and say you are meddling or making mountains out of molehills (rugsweeping) 

Does she accuse you of being “controlling”? (major red flag) 

Does she say ok but then takes her phone into the bathroom? ( perhaps to give him warning or access another form of contact) 

Does she seem to feel a twinge of discomfort or get defensive at the suggestion he is messaging other women? 

Does she seem like she is trying to defend him or stand up for his comfort and interests?

Your wife’s reaction and response to that discussion may be more valuable than the shot being fired across his bow.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Just send the wife copies of the messages and mention he was and still appears to be obsessed with your wife.

I think you have an obligation to notify his wife. Why? as one human to another she has a right to know that her husband is fishing. He is high risk for an affair (if he hasn't already). He needs counseling. 

In addition, it's likely that she already senses that something is wrong in their marriage ... that maybe he's more distant and perhaps more critical of her or they're just not connected like they used to be.

She's probably desperately trying to win him back and blames herself for failing - but doesn't realize she's competing with a fantasy in his head of your wife (and perhaps coworkers or other HS gfs). 

He has two kids? Then the time he spends fishing for women should be spent on his family.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

OM is a classic “fisher”. Throws out a line and hopes he gets a bite. 
Let the other wife know and dont say anything to yours. Let her actions speak for her. I am friends with ALOT of people from high school. And I never conversation anything that doesn’t involve both families or kids. Definitely nothing romantic! 
Like it is always said....”If you can’t say it to the other spouse with a straight face, it should be taking place!”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

NYCguy said:


> My (45M) wife’s (44F) high school/early college boyfriend sent her out of the blue a Facebook PM saying he “just awoke from a vivid dream with you in it. You looked like you were 22....” She broke up with him early in college but he obsessively chased after her until his last attempt when my wife was 22 and she said no. I started dating her a year later, now married happily for 20 years.
> He (also married) sent the PM at 5:30 AM from a Florida hotel room where he was at a conference. He also said that he “is here for you if ever needed” in response to her post the day before that she was feeling down.
> I was aware they were Facebook friends (I’m not on Facebook) for about 10 years but in retrospect I should have objected given his crazy obsession. I thought he had grown up. She offered to unfriend him and I said yes.
> In case she/we ever go to her HS reunion and we need to discuss further: is there any way to interpret the “dream” as anything but an attempt to move her toward an emotional or even physical cheat? Or at the very least entirely inappropriat? Back in the Dark Ages when I was single, telling a female you had a dream about her was a pickup line, even if you didn’t get into details. Thanks


Who knows what the guy's motive is. He very well may have ulterior motives. Maybe he is just naturally creepy. Who knows. 
I am a big believer in strong marriage boundaries, clear boundaries when dealing with the opposite sex. It may be time for her to unfriend him and to cut him out of her life contact wife. 
If she is oblivious and acts like they can stay FB buds to where he can message her anytime, any thought that pops into his head then maybe you should push for that...that he is inappropriate and her maintaining ongoing contact with him may be inappropriate for your marriage. 

Read your wife for us. What is her reaction to this. What type of contact do they have, how much if any to they PM each other?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Friendly is one thing and certainly a lot of us have reached out to people we used to know, so it could be anything, but the fact she tried to get rid of him years ago and he's back is worrisome. Too persistent. And the dream might not be any big deal, but letting her know he can count on her for whatever is a bit too much, I think. She has a husband for that.


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## NYCguy (Aug 4, 2020)

[
[/QUOTE]


DownByTheRiver said:


> Friendly is one thing and certainly a lot of us have reached out to people we used to know, so it could be anything, but the fact she tried to get rid of him years ago and he's back is worrisome. Too persistent. And the dream might not be any big deal, but letting her know he can count on her for whatever is a bit too much, I think. She has a husband for that.


Agree that the latter comment confirms the bad intent of the earlier comment. The latter one is almost worse when you think about it. Like a prior commenter said, he’s like a vulture waiting to pounce based on his interpretation of her FB posts and his abuse of friend status.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NYCguy said:


> Agree that the latter comment confirms the bad intent of the earlier comment. The latter one is almost worse when you think about it. Like a prior commenter said, he’s like a vulture waiting to pounce based on his interpretation of her FB posts and his abuse of friend status.


How did you find out about the message he sent to your wife? Did your wife tell you about it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@NYCguy could you please answer the question of how you found out about this.

It really does matter how this came to light for you.


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## NYCguy (Aug 4, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> How did you find out about the message he sent to your wife? Did your wife tell you about it?


She told me


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NYCguy said:


> I agree re my wife liking the attention hence the FB connection. We’re talking through that and I think we’ll be good.
> 
> *He’s in the Boston area in their hometown* and we’re in North NJ so there’s enough distance. Looking back now I think he actually waited to see if my wife was going to return to their hometown after grad school (and while he knew I was dating her) before asking his now wife to marry him. Crazy stuff that I should’ve been more on top of. Thanks


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is really very simple. Go direct to him and his wife with said emails in hand and tell him in no uncertain terms to back the **** away from your wife. Then watch all reactions - his, his wife's and your wife's.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

His wife needs to know. After all, she might think: "Oh, no. He's doing it again."


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

To be clear, your wife needs to *block him *on FaceBook and any other social media. Not just un-friend him or ignore him. You need to verify this yourself by looking at her blocked list. There are 2 reasons. The main reason is so he cannot see anything she does on Facebook. Unfriended means almost nothing, and he can see if she posts something or if she responds to someone else's posts. Yes there are privacy settings to reduce her visibility, but *blocking him *is far more comprehensive. She needs to starve him of any information. It is the only way to, hopefully, get him to stop obsessing over her. The second reason is so that she is starved of information about him in the event she has any residual feelings about him. Just trust all of us here on this one. She may be 100% on the right track about him today, but there is so much you can't/don't/won't know. If she offers something different than blocking him, like just unfriending or ignoring, it is a very big red flag which you need to be aware of. Blocking him also means she sees nothing about him, which at the very least should help her relax. 

She also must tell all of her friends and relatives to say absolutely nothing to him about her. They must be told he is borderline stalking her, and for her own safety she is asking them to provide zero information to him even if he asks directly.

Now is the time to be the bastard not the Nice Guy. You need to let him know you have a solid boundary which he will regret trying to cross. Yes, you should send the communications to his wife. Rock this guy back on his heels. He is the one who brought this on, not you, so he is responsible for the fallout in his own marriage. Send the messages to his wife and tell him you have done so and he is to leave you and your family alone or it will only get worse for him.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Facebook ruined my marriage, BS. The cheating spouse ruined your marriage.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

NYCguy said:


> Telling his wife crossed my mind (and my wife’s since they went to HS together). But they have 2 kids and I don’t want to do something that could blow up their family (yet anyway). Of course I am furious that he lobbed a bomb into my family (3 kids). Hopefully the unfriending sends the message to go away and we‘ll work on setting boundaries/protections to prevent another attack.


You better get serious about protecting your marriage. Do you think that if you’re wife had shown an interest in him, he wouldn’t pursue her until he sexually had her? By letting this go, you’re signaling weakness to him and to your wife. 

If you sent screen shots of his fishing expedition to his BW , you will be putting POS on notice that you’re on guard at the gate of your marriage against interlopers and you’re also sending a message to your wife that she’s with a strong man that will fight for her.


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