# hubby not comfy talking about sex



## MSW (Dec 22, 2008)

hi, i'm new to this forum and would like to know of ways to make my husband feel more comfortable talking about sex with me. i don't want to feel as if i am "beating a dead horse" but i'm having difficulty finding out what my husband is interested in with regard to sex and so i keep asking and asking and he doesn't give me much information. he has told me he is up for anything. this is very different for me, because in the past my sexual partners have been very clear to me about what they want or need with sexual activity. so my husband says that he is "up for anything" but i'm having difficulty finding a starting point and when i start foreplay it's like i can't get him interested in it. i am interested in many many things regarding to sex and i have made this known to my husband. i feel that he may be embarrased to tell me what he really wants...or am i just reading too much into it. thanks so much for any advice or help. oh, i am 28 and my husband is 31.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

How frequent is sex at the moment?


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## MSW (Dec 22, 2008)

well due to his orders with the military we live in different states. i go see him about once every other month and we have sex about twice during the time that i am there, which is for about 5 days.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

First off, make sure your speaking his language. See the Dr. Tracy quote in my thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/3010-20-years-august-married-18-years.html

You could just start trying different things. Often you might get a rejection. But occasionally, you will strike gold 

See my friend's SONAR idea - This works for me:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/12557-post52.html
Sorry about the title of the link 

Seeing him 6 times a year is not ideal, that could be half the problem. It takes a while for intimacy to build up. Next time you see him, focus on being really warm with each other during the first 5-10 minutes. This is vital.


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## MSW (Dec 22, 2008)

yeah i know the situation is not all that spectacular...i'm trying to change that but we are running in to a bit of road blocks. 

thanks for the links, i am going to read them tonight. i have also read "the five love languages" and that has helped too, but i wanted a bit more about the sexual side. 

one thing i know for sure is that i will take your advice about the first 5 to 10 minutes of seeing him next. i leave tomorrow and get to him at about 8pm (his time) so i am going to be all about the hugs and i love yous.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I used to have to work away every week. And my wife would miss me. But when I got home we would argue. It turned out that among other things, she was kept awake worrying about my drive up and my drive back. So when I turned up ALIVE, you'd thing she would be happy  We eventually figured out for ourselves as well as reading it elsewhere that the first few minutes of the homecoming are a vital "make or break" for the next 48 hours.

If you only have 5 days together, then you will gain a huge benefit, by not ruining the first 2 days.


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## MSW (Dec 22, 2008)

omgosh. we had sex once the entire time i was there and neither of us had an orgasm. i didn't push the sex thing until saturday (i got there wednesday) and then he kept saying no, no, no. so i finally started making out with him and we had sex...plain sex, no orgasm. so on sunday evening i was naked and he was playing his computer game, so i sat down by him and started kissing him and rubbing him and i got nothing. he said he didn't want to have sex with me. i said "if i stay naked like this what will you want to do to me?" he said "hug you and kiss you." i asked "anything else?" and he said "no." i was crushed. so now i'm back home in san antonio and he is in washington state and i'm sad and upset because i doesn't even seem like he wants to have sex with me.


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## italiana86 (Oct 21, 2008)

oh no, I'm so sorry... I mean, do you know if he might have someone else?
I live now in Washington State and my Husband is here in the Military as well... I can't imagine to live in different state and to keep doing it. Did you think about to move to him while he is in WA?


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## MSW (Dec 22, 2008)

he does not have another woman, he has told me this and i do believe him. he also says that he loves me and i believe that too. i have considered moving but he will be coming back to texas within the year so going up there only to come back seems out of the question. and i honestly don't know if i even want to move there if he is going to be like this. he shows no interest in sex.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

How long as he been like this? was the sex better at some earlier stage in the relationship?


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## MSW (Dec 22, 2008)

he has been like this for about 6 months (since he moved for his temporary duty). before that it was great!


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

He really does seem to be stuck in a rut regard his sex drive. I think their are different things you can do to help him with that.
When one partner is like that ie just not interested in sex it's going to be hard to jump back into having sex thats brilliant for both of you. I think basically that you should try being the dominant partner at least a few times untill his interest in sex gets fired up again.

It sounds wrong I know he's the one with the problem, (and by the sounds of it he's not really trying) and I'm suggesting that you put yourself out, by making sex as pleasurable as possible for him to the detriment of your own satisfaction.

Sit down with him and iron out any other problems you might have leave the sex issue aside for a while. After thats done tell him with plenty of notice that you want to get an early night together. He might get a bit miffed and say he's not in the mood but get him in your bed away from distractions. 

I think basically for a little while sex is something you need to do for him rather than with him. I don't know how appropriate it is for me to be explicit on here, but there are ways when a guys being passive to encourage him to respond, Its not some great complicated sexual trick, but to be honest its not really mutual lovemaking its something you'd be doing for his benefit, untill he realises that sex is something he wants again. 

Like I said I don't know what you feel is appropriate sex wise and I could be completly out of line here. Also I don't want to start describing sex acts in a way that mightn't be appropriate here. So if you want to PM I could describe certain things that have worked for me, or I could post on here if its not going to cause an issue? or you could just tell me to mind my own business, either one is fine. 

Good luck


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## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Hi MSW,

It is certainly a perplexing situation and I feel for you. Maybe he just has a lot of time on his hands when you are apart and he thinks about your relationship while he misses being with you. He may just be a little depressed that you are not together all that much, and speaking from experience, it is hard to think about the positives when feeling down.

Next time you see him, just talk about fun things, use positive reinforcement, tell him how great he looks and what a great job he is doing...that kind of stuff. 

Think about this too, when a dog hasn't seen his best buddy all day and he comes home from work, what does he do? He jumps all over you and lavishes you with hugs and kisses and you can feel the dogs happiness. This sort of psychology when people meet can also cause a huge difference towards creating a positive meeting. 
Remember...first impressions mean more than anything.


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