# Modify Divorce Decree



## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Some of you here may remember me. It's been a while. I'll provide a little back story. I was divorced almost a year ago, separated since January of 2016. My ex cheated, numerous times over the course of our 12 year relationship. We have a little girl, whom I have primary custody of. We live roughly 500 miles apart, and the judge granted visitation on all four day weekends, every other Thanskgiving/Christmas, the usual whoohaa. I get child support in the amount of 18% of his gross monthly income (which is salary and ranges, most likely, from 90-100K per year). I have moved on with my life, have a successful career and wonderful boyfriend, who I met on TAM, and who has an amazingly close relationship with my daughter. They just adore each other. I couldn't be happier. Until this Saturday.

I received a motion to modify decree of divorce from my ex. This is what he wants:

That HE be able to claim the child as and for a tax deduction for the tax year 2018 and all even years thereafter.
That Child Support be modified to reflect the travel expenses that HE incurs to meet ME given her relocation to Montana.
For clarification regarding the property division and sale of marital residence.

Here are some snippets from the document I received: Have fun.....

HE requests that visitation include all long weekends whether they are 3 day or 4- day weekends or that he receive an additional three weeks in the summer to compensate for the plus days that he is now unable to see his daughter during the school year. (My daughters old school had a three day weekend, and the judge ordered that he gets her for all four day weekends off from school. I now live in a different town, a little over an hour from where I used to live, when all this was set in place, and he now thinks that he should get her for every three and four day weekend. All that time he WANTS TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH HER, will be spent driving to and from Nevada. This is completely asinine in my opinion.)

Also, when school gets out I refuse to drive and meet HIM after school to facilitate longer visits and makes HIM meet her the day after school is released. (FALSE). I AM also always 30 minutes to two hours late for the exchanges. (FALSE) HE would like to meet ME at the Sheriffs office to exchange OUR DAUGHTER in a hope that this will encourage ME to be more timely. (This is ridiculous, meet at the sheriff's office? Seriously? I was late once or twice, both times due to horrific weather. I drive through Yellowstone Park in the winter for exchanges, there is some brutal weather there in the winter).

During the court proceedings, the Court encouraged the parties to communicate regarding OUR DAUGHTER and share in decisions regarding HER. HE has made steps to contact OUR DAUGHTERS new school and work with her teacher to make sure SHE is doing well in school and to stay involved in HER education. HE has added his name to the school records to ensure he
receives information regarding grades and teacher conferences. I had refused to share this information with HIM (FALSE) and is not willing to work together to ensure OUR DAUGHTERS best interests
are taken care of. (FALSE) The teacher has now included HIM on emails regarding THE CHILDS progress. however, SHE (ME) still refuses to discuss school or medical issues via email or text message or consider HIS suggestions. (FALSE)	SHE (ME) doesn't communicate with HIM regarding medical issues, concerns, vaccinations etc. and does not involve HIM in any decision
making. (FALSE) _My daughter just broke her wrist a couple weeks ago and he was the first person she called to let him know it happened, before the first doctors visit and after the second. No other incidents have happened all school year. He had asked if I was going to get her a flu shot and I said no because I don't agree with them, I don't feel they are beneficial, and that is all that was said. I have text messages to back that statement up._ 

in the Decree the Court ordered that I receive 5O% of the equity in the house and that HE continue to make the payments until it sells. HE still continues to pay the bills and mortgage and requests that the Court specify that MY interest in the house be limited to 5O% of equity at date of Divorce: mortgage at date of divorce ($101,000.00) less sales price. The house is now listed at $118,5OO.OO. HE is paying the mortgage with his post* divorce wages and will continue to do so until it sells, however, those payments made should not be subject to a divorce settlement distribution. The house is taking a lot longer to sell than anticipated in the Court Order and therefore it in inequitable for AMY to share in any continued payments made by HIM.

*NOW HERE'S THE LAST PARAGRAPH OF THE ENTIRE DOCUMENT - UNBELIEVABLE *

HE requests that this Court grant his Motion to modify visitation to reflect additional summer visitation or three day weekends, to allow him to claim THE CHILD on his taxes on the odd years, and to reduce child support to reflect health insurance and travel costs. Further, that the division of community assets be clarified to reflect the community debt as it existed at the time of the divorce.

He wants all of this changed so he doesn't have to pay so much? Are you kidding me? What about my expenses to drive to and from each visitation exchange? Child support shouldn't be included in those costs, in my opinion. And, he wants to be reimbursed for having her on his health insurance? Which, during our marriage, also supported me? He doesn't want to be accountable for HIS responsibilities. This is unreal. I am just wanting to know what everyone's opinions are on this, and any suggestions anyone might have. If i didn't clarify something, please let me know. Any and all advice is welcome.

Also, my daughters birthday is coming up. He wants to be there, and I, obviously don't want him there. He has his own Thanksgiving and Christmas with her, without myself OR MY FAMILY. Why is this any different? How do I tell him, nicely, that he is not welcome?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Serial cheaters such as your ex-husband don't do real well when they have time on their hands. It sounds to me like he might be between women right now, so he's coming back to you for his narcissistic supply, knowing you have to engage with him because you share a child. He's not otherwise occupied, so he's getting his jollies pushing your buttons. 

The other possibility is that he's in a relationship with a decent woman and is suddenly wanting to be seen as dad of the year, done wrong by his evil ex-wife who stole his child from him. Serial cheaters often have a sob story they use to attract new mates. When they're married, it's a crazy spouse who they're too noble to leave despite terrible persecution. When they're divorced, it's a crazy ex-spouse who stole their children and screwed them over in the settlement. Both are used to show themselves in a sympathetic light, despite usually being patently untrue. A man damaged by the wrong love, suffering under the weight of another woman's evil ways? It's like catnip to the sort of women who read romance novels or love to watch chick-flicks, and wrongly imagine they can soothe his poor tortured soul with their pure, devoted, love. 

Either way, hand all of this over to your attorney and let them handle it. Talk over any false claims or other issues with your lawyer. But let your attorney handle all of it. Do not communicate directly with your ex-husband about any of it. If he tries, tell him all such communications should be directed to you attorney. In fact, don't speak to him at all, about anything. Handle every communication through email or text or via letter through the attorneys. What's most important here is that you never allow him to see that he's succeeding in pushing your buttons. The more he knows he's getting to you, the more he'll push. 

And, of course, keep all this drama away from your daughter. She shouldn't be hearing or seeing any of your frustrations with him, nor his with you.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not sure what jurisdiction or state the petition was filed in, so the results will depend on what the laws in that state say and how the judge interprets them. Regardless of why you are divorced, you invited the state in to your life when you chose to get married and now they will have final say over this matter as well. My advice is to be honest and be willing to accept whatever the court decides.
Some of his petition seems to have some merit (as an outsider looking in), For instance if you were the one who moved away he does have additional expenses which might not have been considered at the time custody and visitation was awarded. It doesn't matter that you do as well, since you were the one who chose to leave. A judge might also rule that healthcare costs should be considered within the 18% support awarded to you. 
In regards to the house I think his position is rational. If he has continued to pay and maintain the property, why should you benefit in the least from that effort?
I understand that this is an emotional issue for you, however, the state does not (at least should not) rule on the basis of emotion but of fact. No fault divorce was a means to remove emotion from the proceedings. Like it or not, you married this guy, regardless of whatever kind of POS he turned out to be. This is just another one of those unintended consequences of a decision that you made. Sorry to sound harsh, but it is the truth.
Finally, one thing to keep in mind is that this is all temporary. I am not sure how old your child is, but eventually, they won't really want to spend time with either of you (again just telling the truth). As they grow and mature into becoming the adults we should be preparing them to become, they will spend more time with friends than they will with you. Going away to Dad's for a long weekend when their BFF is having a party just won't cut it.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Not sure how hard it is to change a final decree in your state, but in the courts eyes there will have to be compelling reasons to modify it, and where children are concerned, it will need to be in the best interest of the welfare of the children. So I think you're in a decent position here, but agree with Rowan - hand it over to your attorney and let them handle it.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

So here's the unfortunate reality of your situation. You can either accept his proposal or fight it, but fighting it might cost you way more in legal fees than you'll end up ahead by winning...so choose your battles wisely. In general child plans are modifiable and it is legally acceptable for him to ask for a modification if he thinks it's warranted. Now whether the court agrees to the modification is another story. I don't know which of you is in a better financial situation but I know if I was in his shoes I'd press as much as I could if I knew I was in a better position to fund a lawyer, just in the hopes that the legal fight would break you and you'd just choose to acquiesce.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

it may be different in your area than mine, but when my first wife had custody of our son the judge told us it was the noncustodial parent's responsibility to pick up and return the child on visitations. When my ex moved a few hours away i was told i could either leave work early and travel at my own expense or simply forfeit that visitation. her responsibility was to have him home at the appointed time, if they had been out of town for vacation or something she just had to be back in time for me to pick him up. 

i will say this, it is MUCH easier when both parties work together. But since you are the custodial parent you may be able to force him to come to you if he just wants to be an ass.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Rowan said:


> Serial cheaters such as your ex-husband don't do real well when they have time on their hands. It sounds to me like he might be between women right now, so he's coming back to you for his narcissistic supply, knowing you have to engage with him because you share a child. He's not otherwise occupied, so he's getting his jollies pushing your buttons.
> 
> The other possibility is that he's in a relationship with a decent woman and is suddenly wanting to be seen as dad of the year, done wrong by his evil ex-wife who stole his child from him. Serial cheaters often have a sob story they use to attract new mates. When they're married, it's a crazy spouse who they're too noble to leave despite terrible persecution. When they're divorced, it's a crazy ex-spouse who stole their children and screwed them over in the settlement. Both are used to show themselves in a sympathetic light, despite usually being patently untrue. A man damaged by the wrong love, suffering under the weight of another woman's evil ways? It's like catnip to the sort of women who read romance novels or love to watch chick-flicks, and wrongly imagine they can soothe his poor tortured soul with their pure, devoted, love.
> 
> ...


As far as I know, he is still with the woman he had an affair with. He moved to the town she is now living in, away from the marital residence we shared, which is still on the market and not selling quickly. I wouldn't be surprised if she put him up to this, or even his nasty snake of a sister. Either way, I sent everything to my attorney yesterday, and they have got the ball rolling for a counter argument. Cost me $1500, but oh well. I can't do this on my own, so I will just have to suck it up for now and pray the judge grants my request to make him reimburse me for my legal fees. I'm not holding my breath tho.

My attorney did say that he doesn't have much ground to stand on though. The only thing that may change is the visitation to include three day weekends. I don't see how it's in the best interest of my daughter to spend her entire three day weekend driving to and from her dads. That is 16+ hours of driving time, for a three day weekend. Just doesn't add up to me, but whatever.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

happy2gether said:


> it may be different in your area than mine, but when my first wife had custody of our son the judge told us it was the noncustodial parent's responsibility to pick up and return the child on visitations. When my ex moved a few hours away i was told i could either leave work early and travel at my own expense or simply forfeit that visitation. her responsibility was to have him home at the appointed time, if they had been out of town for vacation or something she just had to be back in time for me to pick him up.
> 
> i will say this, it is MUCH easier when both parties work together. But since you are the custodial parent you may be able to force him to come to you if he just wants to be an ass.


The judge ordered us to meet at a mutually agreed up on half way point, which we did, and have not been having any issues with thus far. That mid way point will now change due to him moving closer to where I am, but we are still 8 hours apart. I don't mind going, but if he continues to be a ****, then I will find a way to make him come all the way and without any form of reimbursement.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I am not sure what jurisdiction or state the petition was filed in, so the results will depend on what the laws in that state say and how the judge interprets them. Regardless of why you are divorced, you invited the state in to your life when you chose to get married and now they will have final say over this matter as well. My advice is to be honest and be willing to accept whatever the court decides.
> Some of his petition seems to have some merit (as an outsider looking in), For instance if you were the one who moved away he does have additional expenses which might not have been considered at the time custody and visitation was awarded. It doesn't matter that you do as well, since you were the one who chose to leave. A judge might also rule that healthcare costs should be considered within the 18% support awarded to you.
> In regards to the house I think his position is rational. If he has continued to pay and maintain the property, why should you benefit in the least from that effort?
> I understand that this is an emotional issue for you, however, the state does not (at least should not) rule on the basis of emotion but of fact. No fault divorce was a means to remove emotion from the proceedings. Like it or not, you married this guy, regardless of whatever kind of POS he turned out to be. This is just another one of those unintended consequences of a decision that you made. Sorry to sound harsh, but it is the truth.
> Finally, one thing to keep in mind is that this is all temporary. I am not sure how old your child is, but eventually, they won't really want to spend time with either of you (again just telling the truth). As they grow and mature into becoming the adults we should be preparing them to become, they will spend more time with friends than they will with you. Going away to Dad's for a long weekend when their BFF is having a party just won't cut it.


I may not have clarified the reason for moving away. I lived in NV with him. He was the only reason I lived there. I had no family or friends there, just him and my daughter. We both agreed, hence the word BOTH, that because things were not good between us, that I would take our daughter and move back to MT temporarily, until the school year was over. During that time, he told me not to come back to NV at the end of the school year, and the next thing I know I receive divorce papers from the local sheriff. So at that point I knew I was staying in MT, which is my home. All my family is here, my daughters aunts, uncles, cousins and grandma. She has all her family here, which she had none of in NV. Her dad's family lives in TX. So that's quite the distance from either MT or NV.

So to clarify, I didn't choose to leave on my own. He basically told me to leave, and I agreed. I moved away before any courts or attorneys were involved, it was meant to be a temporary separation. He chose to make it permanent by filing for divorce, and the judge took this into consideration when we had our hearing, which was over a year ago. I was informed last night from my attorney that he had six months to file a counter and did not do so, so he doesn't have much ground to stand on at this point. The visitation changes he wants may be granted, but not much else, if anything. My attorney is handling this situation for me, for $1500 to start. So yes, this is not financially suitable, considering my income is far, far less than his. But it is what it is, and I am doing what I can.

They are also going to try and hold him in contempt for lack of paying back child support, like he was ordered to do.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

fallen22 said:


> The judge ordered us to meet at a mutually agreed up on half way point, which we did, and have not been having any issues with thus far. That mid way point will now change due to him moving closer to where I am, but we are still 8 hours apart. I don't mind going, but if he continues to be a ****, then I will find a way to make him come all the way and without any form of reimbursement.


If he really is money orientated then agree to the three day visits as long as he is willing to fly to your city and collect your daughter,then fly back with her three days later.Tell him this will continue until she is old enough to travel alone.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Well, that could work. I didn't think of it that way. Except, I should have mentioned, we drive for the exchanges. So it's a four-five hour drive each trip down and back. So a minimum of 8 hours on the road each time we go.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You need lawyer advice that I dont have for you.

Seems that it was HIS choice to move far away, so should be his burden ($$) to pay to keep in touch with his daughter.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Steve2.0 said:


> You need lawyer advice that I dont have for you.
> 
> Seems that it was HIS choice to move far away, so should be his burden ($$) to pay to keep in touch with his daughter.


In a round about way, yes. We moved to NV for his career, because his degree and education could provide for us better than mine could. I had no where to go but back home to MT. He knew this when we agreed I'd leave. He started this downward spiral, and I feel these are the consequences for his actions.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

fallen22 said:


> I may not have clarified the reason for moving away. I lived in NV with him. He was the only reason I lived there. I had no family or friends there, just him and my daughter. We both agreed, hence the word BOTH, that because things were not good between us, that I would take our daughter and move back to MT temporarily, until the school year was over. During that time, he told me not to come back to NV at the end of the school year, and the next thing I know I receive divorce papers from the local sheriff. So at that point I knew I was staying in MT, which is my home. All my family is here, my daughters aunts, uncles, cousins and grandma. She has all her family here, which she had none of in NV. Her dad's family lives in TX. So that's quite the distance from either MT or NV.
> 
> So to clarify, I didn't choose to leave on my own. He basically told me to leave, and I agreed. I moved away before any courts or attorneys were involved, it was meant to be a temporary separation. He chose to make it permanent by filing for divorce, and the judge took this into consideration when we had our hearing, which was over a year ago. I was informed last night from my attorney that he had six months to file a counter and did not do so, so he doesn't have much ground to stand on at this point. The visitation changes he wants may be granted, but not much else, if anything. My attorney is handling this situation for me, for $1500 to start. So yes, this is not financially suitable, considering my income is far, far less than his. But it is what it is, and I am doing what I can.
> 
> They are also going to try and hold him in contempt for lack of paying back child support, like he was ordered to do.


I have no idea what a court will decide, but you doing something because he said to do it may not stand up in court. I can tell you to jump up and down a dozen times, but that still doesn't change the fact that you chose to do it. The fact that he told you to move and then not to move back may have absolutely no bearing on the court proceedings.
Here is what I can tell you from the experience of having gone thru this myself (I supported my Ex when she was in a brutal custody/visitation/support battle with her first ex). Try to settle this out of court as fast as you possibly can. Regardless of who is right or who is wrong or whatever permutation of blame you both share. The ONLY side who will make out from all of this is the attorneys. $1500 is just for starters. The attorney bill will only go up from there. Of course that doesn't even begin to consider filing fees, travel expenses, lost time from work, time away from your new life etc. 
We all play attorneys on TV, however in real life these *********s have their own rules and those rules generally involve fleecing as much money as they can out of your pockets. If your ex would rather play this fools game than simply pay his back child support, you are equally a fool to play along.
Settle as best you can. Chances are that over time, he won't have time to stick it to you any longer as he will have his own life and won't have time for his past one. So his need for every long week end may soon disappear.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

How many 3-4 day weekends are there in a year? 10? If that is the case, he gets her for 40 days and you get her for 320. Why is asking for the 3 days unfair?

In regards to the mortgage, if he is paying the entire mortgage, and the cost of his living expenses, and you are paying nothing, then it seems fair that the split should start from the time that he vacated the premises. If you have not contributed to the difference in equity from the time of seperation, then how is it fair that you receive additional compensation?. If the house is on the maket, this is a short term problem.

Chose your battles wisely. The affair has nothing to do with custody. Settle or stay in a constant state of war.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Ynot said:


> I have no idea what a court will decide, but you doing something because he said to do it may not stand up in court. I can tell you to jump up and down a dozen times, but that still doesn't change the fact that you chose to do it. The fact that he told you to move and then not to move back may have absolutely no bearing on the court proceedings.
> Here is what I can tell you from the experience of having gone thru this myself (I supported my Ex when she was in a brutal custody/visitation/support battle with her first ex). Try to settle this out of court as fast as you possibly can. Regardless of who is right or who is wrong or whatever permutation of blame you both share. The ONLY side who will make out from all of this is the attorneys. $1500 is just for starters. The attorney bill will only go up from there. Of course that doesn't even begin to consider filing fees, travel expenses, lost time from work, time away from your new life etc.
> We all play attorneys on TV, however in real life these *********s have their own rules and those rules generally involve fleecing as much money as they can out of your pockets. If your ex would rather play this fools game than simply pay his back child support, you are equally a fool to play along.
> Settle as best you can. Chances are that over time, he won't have time to stick it to you any longer as he will have his own life and won't have time for his past one. So his need for every long week end may soon disappear.


So what are you saying? That I should have just allowed these changes to take place without any sort of rebuttal? The fact that I moved is beside the point at this time, that was already discussed in court. But to add to that, can you suggest an alternative to me moving? He didn't want me in the house. Where was I to go? Live in a hotel that HE would have had to pay for, because my income at the time was squat? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm simply asking what your opinion is.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

TheBohannons said:


> How many 3-4 day weekends are there in a year? 10? If that is the case, he gets her for 40 days and you get her for 320. Why is asking for the 3 days unfair?
> 
> In regards to the mortgage, if he is paying the entire mortgage, and the cost of his living expenses, and you are paying nothing, then it seems fair that the split should start from the time that he vacated the premises. If you have not contributed to the difference in equity from the time of seperation, then how is it fair that you receive additional compensation?. If the house is on the maket, this is a short term problem.
> 
> Chose your battles wisely. The affair has nothing to do with custody. Settle or stay in a constant state of war.


I never said the affair had anything to do with custody, I was simply providing a back story for those on TAM who are not familiar with my story. 

There are three, 3 day weekends during the entire school year. All others are four day weekends, which is what he is already entitled to. That is what he is fighting for at this point. Distance has to be taken into account in this situation. I live in one state and he lives in another. That is why the judge ruled in favor of four day weekends, to allow him to see her for more than just the allotted school/federal holidays. I had nothing to do with that decision.

Please tell me how I am supposed to pay for a mortgage on a house that I am not living in AND pay rent in my current home? I am a single mother, who makes about 60K less a year than my ex does. I don't want to fight with him, if I have to settle with the mortgage dispute then so be it. But, I wasn't about to roll over and just let him change what has already been ordered. I feel like that is what you suggest I do. I do not agree. 

I also don't agree that he should be reimbursed for health care costs when that is a responsibility he has to HIS daughter. If she were on my health insurance plan, I wouldn't be asking to be reimbursed. She's my child, that is a responsibility and duty I provide to her. I didn't add her to mine because she doesn't need to be covered under TWO insurance plans.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

fallen22 said:


> So what are you saying? That I should have just allowed these changes to take place without any sort of rebuttal? The fact that I moved is beside the point at this time, that was already discussed in court. But to add to that, can you suggest an alternative to me moving? He didn't want me in the house. Where was I to go? Live in a hotel that HE would have had to pay for, because my income at the time was squat? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm simply asking what your opinion is.


I am suggesting the you offer an alternative because the only people who will come out ahead in this is the attorneys. I disagree that the fact you moved is beside the point at this time, mainly because your ex has made it one. You say he said to move, he can say he didn't. It becomes a simple case of he said/she said.
But so far, you have not offered any rebuttal of any kind other than a bunch of emotional reasons why it isn't fair.
So what is something you might offer in response? More time in the summer in exchange for only taking 4 day weekends? Including transportation and healthcare costs in support arrangements in return for additional support to offset the delinquency? That is up to you to decide. Because in the end, it isn't about me and my opinion. it is about how a court will decide and I have already expressed my opinion of how it the court might see things based on my experience. 
I did the math after my ex fought this battle. We would have been miles ahead in NOT pissing away thousands of dollars we didn't have to prove a point that didn't ultimately matter anyways. I applied that same math when she decided to leave. I could have gotten much more, had I been willing to go to the mat, but ultimately the attorneys would have ended up with most of it.
I would rather enjoy my life than string out years of never ending hearings that serve no purpose other than to make some liar for hire aka attorney rich.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

fallen22 said:


> So what are you saying? That I should have just allowed these changes to take place without any sort of rebuttal? The fact that I moved is beside the point at this time, that was already discussed in court. But to add to that, can you suggest an alternative to me moving? He didn't want me in the house. Where was I to go? Live in a hotel that HE would have had to pay for, because my income at the time was squat? I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm simply asking what your opinion is.


Where were you to go? Certainly not 8 hours away, when you knew that your ex-H was going to get visitation at least. Is that in the best interest of your daughter?

I speak from the position of being in your shoes for the past 10 years. I completely agree with Ynot. As hard as it is, the BEST thing for your daughter (and you, and your ex) is to work together to co-parent and leave the attorneys out of it. And that means not necessarily doing what you want to do.

I too live in a state that I came to for my ex-H's job. I have no family here either. I would have LOVED to go back to my home state 10 years ago after my divorce, and taken my children with me. But that would not have been in their best interest. So I gave up what I wanted in order to do what was best for them. It was temporary; they were not going to be minors forever. 

Your ex might be a serial cheater, but his worth as a husband does not necessarily reflect on his worth as a father. Two different things. You must separate them and get over the emotions. 

Both you AND your ex have a responsibility to provide health care for your daughter. In my case, the kids stayed on their dad's plan and I paid half of it. If he is paying you child support, why should he also be the only one paying for health insurance just because she happens to be on his plan?

The 8-hour car trips are going to take a toll and be unreasonable after your daughter gets older, as Ynot mentioned. If you two are thinking of what is best for your daughter, you will move much closer together so she has access to both her mom AND dad. That is vitally important. In my case, I moved less than 3 blocks away from where my ex-H lived so that the kids knew I was close when they were with their dad and so that I could participate in all aspects of their lives.

The only thing that seems unreasonable or perhaps undo-able with regard to what your ex is asking is the every other year tradeoff in claiming her as a dependent. I am not totally sure how that works, but I think she has to live with him more than 6 months out of the year in order to claim her. Even that hardly seems fair if he is financially supporting her - he should get to claim that on his taxes every other year. 

It requires some give and take on your parts and it requires that you don't necessarily get to do what you want to do, live where you want to live, etc. But if she is the most important part of this equation, which she should be, then you do it. And you should not need attorneys to tell you that.

Just my two cents. I wish you good luck. It isn't easy, I know.


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

fallen22 said:


> I never said the affair had anything to do with custody, I was simply providing a back story for those on TAM who are not familiar with my story.
> 
> There are three, 3 day weekends during the entire school year. All others are four day weekends, which is what he is already entitled to. That is what he is fighting for at this point. Distance has to be taken into account in this situation. I live in one state and he lives in another. That is why the judge ruled in favor of four day weekends, to allow him to see her for more than just the allotted school/federal holidays. I had nothing to do with that decision.
> 
> ...


Ok to clarify, every weekend is a 4 day weekend? The child only goes to school 3 days a week? How many days does that add uo to? That's a little strange, but we stand corrected if that's the case. He is her father. Your boyfriend, despite the "amazingly close relationship" Is not.

Normally the custodial parent gets the house and the industrial parent is required to pay the mortgage. Again we stand corrected or you weren't very clear. If you were forced to leave your home, he should be required to move quickly. If your proceeds are delayed while the market strengthens, then you should be awarded "interest" on your funds.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

TheBohannons said:


> Ok to clarify, every weekend is a 4 day weekend? The child only goes to school 3 days a week? How many days does that add uo to? That's a little strange, but we stand corrected if that's the case. He is her father. Your boyfriend, despite the "amazingly close relationship" Is not.
> 
> Normally the custodial parent gets the house and the industrial parent is required to pay the mortgage. Again we stand corrected or you weren't very clear. If you were forced to leave your home, he should be required to move quickly. If your proceeds are delayed while the market strengthens, then you should be awarded "interest" on your funds.


I suppose I wasn't clear. Her school goes five days a week, but she has numerous 4 day weekends, or PIR days. I'm not sure what that stands for, something to do with her school district. So what I meant by there are only three, 3 day weekends, is that she only has three long weekends that are only 3 days, and the remaining long weekends off from school are four. It adds up to roughly one a month.

I don't think what some here are quite understanding is that it was a mutual agreement, between my ex and I that I would move back home with my mom until the end of the school year. This was in January, school finished at the end of May. It was my understanding, from the talk I had with my ex at the time this all happened, that once that time was up, and school was out, I would move back to NV to be with him and fix our marriage. During this 4-5 month period that I was living in MT with my mom and daughter, he told me he did not want me to come back, and within a month of him telling me that, I received divorce papers. This is probably more of the back story that I left out. I should have referenced my previous posts for clarity, that's my mistake. So, during this entire time I was living in MT AND AFTER I RECEIVED THE DIVORCE PAPERS, I was STILL trying to reconcile our broken marriage. I went to church counseling and received some amazing help, not only for myself but for my daughter. She went with me about once a month. I tried god knows everything I could think of to fix what had been broken, and he did not want anything to do with me, he was done. Clearly, or he wouldn't have filed for divorce. 

So now, if you were put in that position, would you be leaving your family, who supported you and helped you as much as they possibly could, to go back to a man who did not want you? If I had gone back, I would have had no where to live and would have been fighting a losing battle. There was no discussion of me getting the house because all of this happened after I had moved to MT. The courts and lawyers were not involved until he filed for divorce, after I had moved to MT. I moved to MT in January, intended to stay ONLY until May. I was told in June I wasn't welcome back, and in July I received divorce papers. He told me he didn't want me to come back. I wasn't going to go back to a toxic environment. It wasn't healthy for my daughter or myself. Constant fighting, both physically and verbally, is a horribly toxic environment for a child and for the adults involved. I knew, despite all my efforts to reconcile, that he was done and I was staying where I was, for my own sanity and my daughter's well being. It doesn't make any logical sense to go back to a home where you are not wanted, and would not be welcome to stay at. And to avoid that, try to go back to a state where you have no resources, no job really to speak of, and try to do it alone? I was literally on my own, raising my daughter, on my own, financially and emotionally with ZERO support from him in any way while I was living with my mom. Does this make sense?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

fallen22 said:


> I suppose I wasn't clear. Her school goes five days a week, but she has numerous 4 day weekends, or PIR days. I'm not sure what that stands for, something to do with her school district. So what I meant by there are only three, 3 day weekends, is that she only has three long weekends that are only 3 days, and the remaining long weekends off from school are four. It adds up to roughly one a month.
> 
> I don't think what some here are quite understanding is that it was a mutual agreement, between my ex and I that I would move back home with my mom until the end of the school year. This was in January, school finished at the end of May. It was my understanding, from the talk I had with my ex at the time this all happened, that once that time was up, and school was out, I would move back to NV to be with him and fix our marriage. During this 4-5 month period that I was living in MT with my mom and daughter, he told me he did not want me to come back, and within a month of him telling me that, I received divorce papers. This is probably more of the back story that I left out. I should have referenced my previous posts for clarity, that's my mistake. So, during this entire time I was living in MT AND AFTER I RECEIVED THE DIVORCE PAPERS, I was STILL trying to reconcile our broken marriage. I went to church counseling and received some amazing help, not only for myself but for my daughter. She went with me about once a month. I tried god knows everything I could think of to fix what had been broken, and he did not want anything to do with me, he was done. Clearly, or he wouldn't have filed for divorce.
> 
> So now, if you were put in that position, would you be leaving your family, who supported you and helped you as much as they possibly could, to go back to a man who did not want you? If I had gone back, I would have had no where to live and would have been fighting a losing battle. There was no discussion of me getting the house because all of this happened after I had moved to MT. The courts and lawyers were not involved until he filed for divorce, after I had moved to MT. Which, again, was only supposed to be temporary. He told he didn't want me to come back. Does this make sense?


Yes, it makes sense, but it doesn't matter before the court UNLESS you have something to back it up. We have all made attempts to reconcile our marriages, but that doesn't mean we will not end up getting divorced. He may have agreed to everything you have said, but as unfair as it sounds, he can also change his mind. It sounds like he changed his mind. As myself and others have stated, your best course of action may be to make an offer of some sort or arrive at a compromise of some sort rather than enriching the attorneys which is where anything (and more) will go when and if the court eventually decides.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

Ynot said:


> Yes, it makes sense, but it doesn't matter before the court UNLESS you have something to back it up. We have all made attempts to reconcile our marriages, but that doesn't mean we will not end up getting divorced. He may have agreed to everything you have said, but as unfair as it sounds, he can also change his mind. It sounds like he changed his mind. As myself and others have stated, your best course of action may be to make an offer of some sort or arrive at a compromise of some sort rather than enriching the attorneys which is where anything (and more) will go when and if the court eventually decides.


I agree with you, and my attorney is preparing a counter as we speak. He mentioned either getting the three day weekends or an additional three weeks in the summer. Three weeks isn't possible because she'd miss the first or last week of school, but two is possible. I'd rather do that than the three day weekends. I have to take into account my work schedule as well. He is a salary employee and doesn't lose time/hours/pay when he travels for these visits like I do. Plus, because I'm in accounting, my summers are much slower than my winters.

As far as the house is concerned, I'm not too worried about that to be honest. I don't really care anymore, and I told my attorney I wanted to fight it, but now I'm not so sure. I may just let it go. This hit me out of the blue, and I reacted in an emotional way, like I always do. My SO advised me of this, and I'm trying now to think more rationally.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Hope Shimmers said:


> The only thing that seems unreasonable or perhaps undo-able with regard to what your ex is asking is the every other year tradeoff in claiming her as a dependent. I am not totally sure how that works, but I think she has to live with him more than 6 months out of the year in order to claim her. Even that hardly seems fair if he is financially supporting her - he should get to claim that on his taxes every other year.
> 
> .


This is actually really easy to do. The IRS default is that whomever is the custodial parent getting to claim the child, but then they have an option to let the parents change who claims the child based on divorce decrees. It's in all the tax programs. I also agree that if he is paying child support then he should also be able to take a turn claiming her since he is supporting her financially. I know several other people with this arrangement and it works well.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

This is a crappy situation you are in and I’m sorry for that you have to deal with this. That being said, please remember that you are not dealing with your ex husband, you are dealing with your daughter’s father and for your daughter’s health and happiness the relationship she has with her father is very important. It can’t be replaced. Some men what nothing to do with their kids so I would not be discouraging him wanting her more. 

I’m sure you can put aside your anger and think about what is best for your daughter. Someone has to be the bigger person here for her sake. 

I’m sorry you are here, divorce sucks and as a child of a divorced household, it sucks even more for the kids.


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