# Losing interest based on SO's lack of interest



## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Has anyone lost their interest in sex based on their SO's lack of interest?

I am noticing my overall interest is declining based on my wife's lack of interest. If I do get an urge, (maybe only 1 or 2 times per month now) I watch some porn and take care of myself. 

Wife doesn't notice my lack of initiating (or is happy about it?) but in general I am not as horny and wanting it as I used to be. Maybe I am just getting old but only mid 50s.

Maybe its Low T but why worry about it if it takes away the sexual desire edge?

Anyone else face this?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Maybe its Low T but why worry about it if it takes away the sexual desire edge?


Testosterone is a sex hormone but it's not just for your libido. If you think you might have low T you should get that checked out.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Not really I just took care of things myself but at the frequency I wanted and somehow I was fine with it for more than a decade.

It literally took me years to realize that it wasn’t good for me and I wasn’t ok with it. The pandemic really highlighted the wrongness of it and then I did something about it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I haven't had sex with my sex for the last 3 years and my desire is still there. It might fluctuate, but I could have sex every day... BTW, I'm 57...


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

As for the actual question.

My sex drive is nothing compared to what it used to be. I went through a temporary phase of my wife wanting nothing to do with me and hating my existence, then me resenting her and turning her down, and somewhere along the way my sex drive tanked and has never recovered. I used to have sex daily or twice daily, now I usually (there has been exceptions) wouldn't be able to do that even if I wanted to. Age isn't a factor because I'm in my mid-30's, no testosterone issues, etc. For me it increases a bit at times but generally, I'd be content with a few times a month and little to no solo time. My wife would do it daily, but that doesn't really change things for me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Men and women might be a little different this way, but if I sense a lack of interest from my partner my drive is gone....at least my desire for them. I still may have a drive, but my desire is somewhat responsive.

By lack of interest i mean a regular lack of interest. Nobody is interested all the time.

My father used to say that the best aphrodisiac is someone who wants you.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Men and women might be a little different this way, but if I sense a lack of interest from my partner my drive is gone....at least my desire for them. I still may have a drive, but my desire is somewhat responsive.
> 
> By lack of interest i mean a regular lack of interest. Nobody is interested all the time.
> 
> My father used to say that the best aphrodisiac is someone who wants you.


Good point!


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Well, being repeatedly rejected can certainly be a huge turn off. I'd rather have none than have to beg or have "pity sex," so I can see why your desire would drop if your SO shows little to no interest.

It can also mess with your self-esteem and makes you start to feel "less than." Don't let that happen.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Has anyone lost their interest in sex based on their SO's lack of interest?


With my ex, yes. However, my loss of interest was w.r.t. her, not others. So, I eventually divorced her and dated other women. My sex life was quickly restored.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

bobert said:


> I'd be content with a few times a month and little to no solo time. My wife would do it daily, but that doesn't really change things for me.


Given that your wife has already cheated on you quite readily, I hope you do it more often than a few times a month. Since if that is all she is getting or less when you know she wants more, she'd have good reason to get that shortfall satiated elsewhere.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Personal said:


> Given that your wife has already cheated on you quite readily, I hope you do it more often than a few times a month. Since if that is all she is getting or less when you know she wants more, she'd have good reason to get that shortfall satiated elsewhere.


Thanks for the heads-up.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Has anyone lost their interest in sex based on their SO's lack of interest?


The short answer is yes, I am sure countless people have lost interest based on their partner’s lack of interest.

To take that a step farther, if your partner has lost interest and you continue to try to have sex with them, doesn’t that kind of make you..... well,, an A-hole??


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In my case, my wife has basically become a completely different person in the last few years between menopause, chronic migraines and all the associated medications etc etc. 

This new person has no attraction or desire for me.

Technically, she doesn’t always reject me per se. If I were to come right out and ask to have sex nicely and if she were to not be sick and wasn’t exhausted and didn’t have anything of greater importance such as brushing the cat or digging the carpet strings out of the rollers of the vacuum and all other critical tasks like that,,, she may lay there looking at the clock and telling me to hurry up while I essentially masturbate with her body. Then the moment I’m done she literally pushes me away and runs into the shower to decontaminate. 

So yeah, I have lost interest. 

She is still a physically beautiful woman.

I am still a healthy virile man and still have an intact libido and a yearning for intimacy.

But the desire and intimacy we used to have for each other is gone. 

We had a great life together for many years. I have no regrets. 

But if I was to meet her now as two single people the way she is now - I doubt if she would even agree to go on a first date with me. 

And I doubt I would have any interest in any further dates after that if she did. 

So yes, the loss of one partner’s interest can absolutely result in the loss of the other partner’s interest.

And quite frankly it probably should. Why would someone want to be with somebody that was not into them at all. Continuing to try to have sex with someone that doesn’t want you is kind of being a jerk.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Why would someone want to be with somebody that was not into them at all.


I don't know why. Yet you can answer that, since you're still with your wife?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Wife doesn't notice my lack of initiating (or is happy about it?) but in general I am not as horny and wanting it as I used to be. Maybe I am just getting old but only mid 50s.


Since you don't initiate sex with your wife, she probably thinks you aren't interested in having sex with her anymore. Given your demonstrated lack of interest, your wife ought to feel free to seek sex elsewhere.



FloridaGuy1 said:


> Anyone else face this?


Not me.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> In my case, my wife has basically become a completely different person in the last few years between menopause, chronic migraines and all the associated medications etc etc.
> 
> This new person has no attraction or desire for me.
> 
> ...


Why do you stay and put up with this?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> Since you don't initiate sex with your wife, she probably thinks you aren't interested in having sex with her anymore. Given your demonstrated lack of interest, your wife ought to feel free to seek sex elsewhere.
> 
> 
> 
> Not me.


I wish she would seek it elsewhere as at least I would know she had some interest but nope...nada. She never even leaves the house let alone seek it elsewhere. And I think you are wrong as she is happier now that I don't initiate any more.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> Since you don't initiate sex with your wife, she probably thinks you aren't interested in having sex with her anymore. Given your demonstrated lack of interest, your wife ought to feel free to seek sex elsewhere.
> 
> 
> 
> Not me.


And just out of curiosity, when do you ever have all this sex with your wife you talk about as you are posting on here as much as I am.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> And I think you are wrong as she is happier now that I don't initiate any more.


You missed the point.

Which is if you won't have sex with your wife, she should feel free to get it elsewhere if she wants it. *Which also equally applies to you*, so if your wife won't have sex with you, then you should feel free to get it elsewhere if you want.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> And just out of curiosity, when do you ever have all this sex with your wife you talk about as you are posting on here as much as I am.


Sex doesn't take many hours to share. So a lazy half hour in the morning, followed by a 15 minute quickie after lunch with 45 minutes through an hour and a half to finish the evening with isn't a stretch or an imposition.

Plus I mostly work from home and am very flexible time wise, except for when I occasionally go away for a 2-3 days at time (I mostly do project work and in-between I am free). While my wife's commute to and from work, is at the most a 10 minute drive each way. Of which she only works Monday to Friday 8:30AM to 5:00PM with an hour for lunch (she also gets fortnightly RDOs, and has long service leave, on top of her normal generous holidays etc which she uses). So we have plenty of time to share sex in the morning, evening, weekends and days off.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@FloridaGuy1 I will also add that right now I am in my home office in front of my flash work desktop computer (I've got a lot of screen space), reading TAM, plus watching a show on YouTube as background noise. While also mostly editing some pictures for a work project (publication). And waiting on a phone call to find out what time or if, my daughter will be discharged from hospital today.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Personal said:


> You missed the point.
> 
> Which is if you won't have sex with your wife, she should feel free to get it elsewhere if she wants it. *Which also equally applies to you*, so if your wife won't have sex with you, then you should feel free to get it elsewhere if you want.


Um.. no...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Has anyone lost their interest in sex based on their SO's lack of interest?
> 
> I am noticing my overall interest is declining based on my wife's lack of interest. If I do get an urge, (maybe only 1 or 2 times per month now) I watch some porn and take care of myself.
> 
> ...


No. I actually think that's a normal reaction. of course everyone's different and men and women are certainly different and I'm a woman and an old one at that, but I pretty much have always been like I'm not really thinking about sex that much unless I'm interested in someone even if I'm only interested in them from afar. Yes even when I'm not interested in someone occasionally my body needs a tuning up but it is far far less frequent than if I have someone on my mind.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Um.. no...


Absolutely yes.

If a married person in a monogamous marriage, chooses to turn the sex tap off or limit it notably. They immediately forfeit any obligation to marital sexual fidelity from the spouse who they are withholding from.

So if married people in nominally monogamous marriages expect sexual fidelity, they would be wise to share sex plentifully. Otherwise they are fools if they believe they warrant sexual fidelity, absent sharing sex plentifully with their spouse.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

After month long dry spells (anywhere from 6 weeks to 2.5 years) with my wife, my sex drive just went into hibernation. I am not cheating or seeking fulfillment in any way outside of the marriage. After you do not use that part of your brain for so long, my guess is that it just dies a bit. I can go weeks without feeling the need to pleasure myself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Absolutely yes.
> 
> If a married person in a monogamous marriage, chooses to turn the sex tap off or limit it notably. They immediately forfeit any obligation to marital sexual fidelity from the spouse who they are withholding from.
> 
> So if married people in nominally monogamous marriages expect sexual fidelity, they would be wise to share sex plentifully. Otherwise they are fools if they believe they warrant sexual fidelity, absent sharing sex plentifully with their spouse.


I agree. If someone no longer wants a sex live with their partner and has chronically rejected them, it is completely unrealistic to expect indefinite exclusivity. 

It’s just like if you leave a pile of unguarded cash sitting out on you front doorstep, it is unrealistic to expect it to remain there very long.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I just read this somewhere about when a woman loses her interest. Seems pretty accurate to me at least from my experience....

"When they lose their libido it's over because at the root of sex is reproduction. They are finished and give it no more thought and don't understand why you do because they're not programmed to spread their "seed" around they way you are."

So unless you have wife who wants to keep you happy like a few here (Personal's wife comes to mind as she apparently likes sex and keeping him happy) you are out of luck.

Leave or live with it...only two options. Well, I guess there is the third, partial option of finding someone on the side but I wonder how easy that would really be? Seems pretty tough as I would think most people would want a relationship and not just be the "other woman". I mean I guess you could find someone for a one-off here and there but not sure about a long term FWB thing for middle agers?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I just read this somewhere about when a woman loses her interest. Seems pretty accurate to me at least from my experience....
> 
> "When they lose their libido it's over because at the root of sex is reproduction. They are finished and give it no more thought and don't understand why you do because they're not programmed to spread their "seed" around they way you are."
> 
> ...


For most Average Joes, finding a regular FWB on the side (that you aren’t paying) isn’t realistic at all. Especially if the other woman knows that he has permission in an open marriage or something. It may seem counterintuitive at first but having permission actually makes it LESS likely for an Aversge Joe to find a regular FWB. 

Quite frankly it’s easier to cheat. When I was in the swinging community, I knew couples where the guy did have a hall pass but would pretend he was cheating because women were actually more wired to try to poach another woman’s man rather than pick up her leftovers. 

It’s one of those double standards in the world. If a woman wants to pick up some extra outside her marriage, men will line up down the street and around the corner doing the Pick Me! dance.

A man that wants more than he is getting at home is darn near a pariah. 

Another option to consider is sugar babies. It is not illegal. It will cost you but in these economic times, there are a lot of young gals needing help making ends meet while they go through “nursing school” (that’s a stripper cliche’ LOL ) and in the sugaring world everything is about the art of the negotiation. 

Now if you are unusually good looking and charming and a bit of a snake in the grass, that may be a different story for you and you may have a variety of options that an average man wouldn’t. 

You may be good looking but you don’t seem the kind of man that would be able to just leave the wife at home and go out looking for other chicks to drain your tank. (That’s kind of a compliment in a way, but doesn’t help your situation).


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Once a woman “locks up her man”, the sex vanishes. Don’t allow yourself to get “locked up” in any of your future relationships. Women must fear that they can lose you at anytime to continue to lust after you. Once their fear of losing you is gone, their libido leaves with it.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Oh? Well, low libido men would like a word with you. They want to know where their libido went (said the wife of a dead bedroom).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> For most Average Joes, finding a regular FWB on the side (that you aren’t paying) isn’t realistic at all.


I probably shouldn’t have been so negative.

Average looking guys screw other chicks all the time. 

What I should clarify is nice, decent men who have had long term, faithful marriages and have treated their wives with dignity and respect, are often completely lost out in left field when it comes to hooking up with other women. 

Men that have been faithful and treated their wives well for decades and have endured years of sexless marriage without straying are often babes in the woods and haven’t a clue where to start when it comes to trying to get some on the side. 

(Think of the Owen Wilson movie Hall Pass when he and his married buddies were making fools of themselves at some bar and Owen Wilson pondered whether they should try Olive Garden instead LOL)

An average, middle aged, long time married man can get an FWB.

But he is going to have to kill the nice, faithful, dutiful husband that treats his wife well and is devoted to hearth and home, and become reborn into a man that is devoted to himself and his own interests and is ok with marginalizing his wife and her comforts and make himself more attractive and desirable to other women. 

If you are going to keep a wife as a roommate, then you will have to treat her as a roommate. (I’m not all that sympathetic to her at this point since that is how she is treating you) 

Instead of devoting hours of your day with home projects or interacting with her and the kids, you’ll need to start spending hours at the gym getting rid of the dad bod.

Instead of purchasing things she wants/needs or that the kids want/need, you will need to get a new wardrobe and hairstyle, no glasses/contacts/lasik etc. 

If you are driving a 10 year old mini van, please don’t make a fool of yourself and get corvette or mustang or charger, but you will will need to at least get a newer, decent car that a woman would be ok being seen in.

And of course there will be dinners and drinks and hotels and weekend getaways that will all require money.

So in essence where I am going with all of this is a loving, dutiful, faithful husband that is devoted to his wife and her well being and a good, devoted and doting father, is not going to be able to maintain his status quo home and family life and get a regular, long term FWB on the side without making some significant changes.

You are going to have to transform into someone you currently are not. 

You’ll have to basically become a single man with a female roommate and you will have to basically stop treating her as a wife and treat her as a roommate as well while you shift your time, energies and money into being a single man that gets with other chicks.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Maybe another way to put this is if you keep her as a legal domestic partner, you will still have to divorce her in your heart and mind and wallet.

You have have to divest yourself from her in time, energy and money and reinvest your time, energy and money into making yourself more attractive and desirable to other women. 

That may sound mean on the surface, but she has already done this with you. She has divorces you in her heart and in her sexuality but has opted to keep you around for the money and domestic services you provide. 

She has already done that and already hooked up elsewhere. 

For you to hook up elsewhere, you’re basically going to have to do the same thing.

What I described above is what you’d likely be doing anyway if you divorced.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Has anyone lost their interest in sex based on their SO's lack of interest?
> 
> I am noticing my overall interest is declining based on my wife's lack of interest. If I do get an urge, (maybe only 1 or 2 times per month now) I watch some porn and take care of myself.
> 
> ...


I'm not a dude, but this ain't the no girls allowed clubhouse, so I'll bite  

I was put off for a while after being constantly rejected by my ex. He was ok cuddling, but never passionate, no kissing and God forbid sex, for a good decade. After a while, I shut down and accepted a sexless marriage. I had zero urges, didn't own a vibrator, never looked at another man.

I did try to approach him a few times after, b/c I thought marriage should include sex. So I guess I'm an asshole, according to oldshirt  



oldshirt said:


> The short answer is yes, I am sure countless people have lost interest based on their partner’s lack of interest.
> 
> To take that a step farther, if your partner has lost interest and you continue to try to have sex with them, doesn’t that kind of make you..... well,, an A-hole??





FloridaGuy1 said:


> I just read this somewhere about when a woman loses her interest. Seems pretty accurate to me at least from my experience....
> 
> "When they lose their libido it's over because at the root of sex is reproduction. They are finished and give it no more thought and don't understand why you do because they're not programmed to spread their "seed" around they way you are."
> 
> ...


Many women never have the urge to reproduce, or can't. Quite a few of them very much enjoy sex, it's an individual thing. Sorry you're in this position, constant rejection sucks. 



oldshirt said:


> I probably shouldn’t have been so negative.
> 
> Average looking guys screw other chicks all the time.
> 
> ...


I don't understand this mindset. If you want to do all of that crap, do it as a single man! Get divorced and take care of business. You don't have to become a ****ty person in response to a ****ty situation. Remove yourself from the situation and go forth and multiply, or whatevs. 

I have to laugh at the people who encourage this "tit for tat" behavior, "Oh, well she closed her legs, so I can whip ma willy out for whoever will have it now", and you can't call me a bad guy for doing that, b/c nuh-uh, she did it first!"

I'll tell you, I lived this for over a decade and I felt like I was dying piece by piece. After I got over the shock over my ex's affair, I was actually relieved for it all to be over and be free to live again. 

What do you want for yourself, OP?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good lord people... get a divorce! I can’t believe anyone here actually advocating to go out and cheat. Either work it out, or end it. 

Sheesh. 


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I agree divorce is the best option.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> I'm not a dude, but this ain't the no girls allowed clubhouse, so I'll bite
> 
> I was put off for a while after being constantly rejected by my ex. He was ok cuddling, but never passionate, no kissing and God forbid sex, for a good decade. After a while, I shut down and accepted a sexless marriage. I had zero urges, didn't own a vibrator, never looked at another man.
> 
> ...


When you are married to someone who does not want to have sex with you and you are aware of that fact, it creates a bit of a moral dilemma. If you try to get them to do something they don’t want, is that what the ‘Me Too’ and ‘Yes Means Yes’ movements are all about? So yeah, in a way it does kind of make you an A-hole if you are trying to get them to have sexual contact that they do not want. 

And as far as my post about divesting his energies/money etc from his wife and marriage...... that was kind of my point in that it is already a divorce of heart and spirit.

I wasn’t necessarily saying that it was all tit-for-tat and so it was all ok.

Just pointing out the reality that for these nice, loving, faithful and dutiful husbands to get outside poon, they have to transform themselves into something they currently are not. 

They basically have to adopt many of the ways and mindsets and attitudes of a single man.

He may want to retain the legal, financial and companionate benefits of marriage, but he is still going to have to adopt many of the behaviors, mindsets and practices of a single man.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I don't disagree with any of the above. My only reluctance is my wife doesn't work and has no money of her own so getting divorced would kill me financially. I essentially would give up half of what I own (which is not much) just for the hopes of finding someone new to get laid. That's some pretty expensive p***y

I've already been though the divorce thing once so know what its like.

Not an easy decision to make when you are in your 50s.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If couples counseling, sex coaching, hormonal therapies have all been exhausted and the marriage is still sexless, then that means there is either no attraction between each other at all, or that too much resentment has built up over the years for one or both people to desire each other anymore. A healthy marriage requires mutually satisfying sex, and if there is none, then the "marriage" is nothing more than a business partnership between roommates.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> When you are married to someone who does not want to have sex with you and you are aware of that fact, it creates a bit of a moral dilemma. If you try to get them to do something they don’t want, is that what the ‘Me Too’ and ‘Yes Means Yes’ movements are all about? So yeah, in a way it does kind of make you an A-hole if you are trying to get them to have sexual contact that they do not want.
> 
> And as far as my post about divesting his energies/money etc from his wife and marriage...... that was kind of my point in that it is already a divorce of heart and spirit.
> 
> ...


I didn't consider myself an asshole, b/c marriage is a sexual relationship. I figured if he didn't want me, why stay with me? The same goes for women who shut down sexually and expect to have their needs met while ignoring their spouses'. 

The #me too as far as I know has nothing to do with marriage, so I think it's irrelevant. I certainly didn't try to rape him  

If a man should maintain the attitude and mindset of a single man, can he cope with his wife having the attitude and mindset of a single woman? I bet he wouldn't like that one bit. Women can and do get sex much easier than a man can unless he's extremely attractive. Most men aren't all that. 

I certainly don't have any answers, my views on marriage have taken a serious hit after doing everything most men claim they want/like and still getting kicked in my ass for it.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I don't disagree with any of the above. My only reluctance is my wife doesn't work and has no money of her own so getting divorced would kill me financially. I essentially would give up half of what I own (which is not much) just for the hopes of finding someone new to get laid. That's some pretty expensive p***y
> 
> I've already been though the divorce thing once so know what its like.
> 
> Not an easy decision to make when you are in your 50s.


Is Florida a community property and alimony state? In Texas, its 50/50, no alimony for qualified spouses. I know she's not working, but can she?

Honestly, if she's not upholding her end (barring medical issues) or making an effort to meet you halfway, her finances should not be your problem. Maybe you should see a lawyer and see what your options are. If you are in your 50's, your kids should be grown now, yes?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> If a man should maintain the attitude and mindset of a single man, can he cope with his wife having the attitude and mindset of a single woman? I bet he wouldn't like that one bit. Women can and do get sex much easier than a man can unless he's extremely attractive. Most men aren't all that.


Sometimes I get these threads mixed up with other threads and people so someone can correct me if I’m wrong, but I think she has already cheated on him in the past.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TXTrini said:


> I didn't consider myself an asshole, b/c marriage is a sexual relationship. I figured if he didn't want me, why stay with me? The same goes for women who shut down sexually and expect to have their needs met while ignoring their spouses'.
> 
> . I certainly didn't try to rape him


Sexuality is a critical component for me to remain in a marriage as well so I get where you are coming from.

However marriage does not give one license or dominion over another person’s body. 

Everyone has agency and control over their own body and their own sexuality and no one is entitled to their sexuality if they do not want to share it.

If someone knows that their partner does not want to have sex with them but yet they continue to try to get in their knickers... that is being a jerk. 

Now they are perfectly in their right to terminate the relationship as is the one denying sex.

But trying to make someone do something you know they do not want is being an ahole.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is your second marriage, right? No children together? Are you sure she’ll get half?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> *Sexuality is a critical component for me to remain in a marriage as well so I get where you are coming from.*
> 
> However marriage does not give one license or dominion over another person’s body.
> 
> ...


Question. Why do you stay if things have changed so drastically in your relationship?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Question. Why do you stay if things have changed so drastically in your relationship?


I am weighing all options and ramifications of all potential decisions and have not made a decision either way yet.

I am in kind of a paralysis by analysis phase at the moment.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I am weighing all options and ramifications of all potential decisions and have not made a decision either way yet.
> 
> I am in kind of a paralysis by analysis phase at the moment.


I was there for three years. It’s an ugly place to be.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I am weighing all options and ramifications of all potential decisions and have not made a decision either way yet.
> 
> I am in kind of a paralysis by analysis phase at the moment.


And my wife has not come right out and said she no longer wants to have sex and she doesn’t exact reject me per se. 

I could probably have sex tonight if I asked nicely and she didn’t have anything more urgent to do like brush the cat or reorganize the Tupperware cupboard. 

The issue isnt refusal, it’s no libido or interest of her own. It would be duty sex with her looking at the clock and telling me to hurry up, and I am not into that at all.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Personal said:


> @FloridaGuy1 I will also add that right now I am in my home office in front of my flash work desktop computer (I've got a lot of screen space), reading TAM, plus watching a show on YouTube as background noise. While also mostly editing some pictures for a work project (publication). And waiting on a phone call to find out what time or if, my daughter will be discharged from hospital today.


Did your daughter get to come home...??


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Once a woman “locks up her man”, the sex vanishes. Don’t allow yourself to get “locked up” in any of your future relationships. Women must fear that they can lose you at anytime to continue to lust after you. Once their fear of losing you is gone, their libido leaves with it.


UGH!!!! NOT every woman...don't you ever listen to me?? Lol!!

For the record - I would NEVER "lust after" any man that makes me afraid I could lose him...I wouldn't waste my desire on a man like that - I would back off and let him go find whoever he wants more than me! And then I'd find a man who makes me feel like he DOES want ME, and I'd put my whole self into wanting HIM. 

And I KNOW I can't be the only woman who feels this way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> And my wife has not come right out and said she no longer wants to have sex and she doesn’t exact reject me per se.
> 
> I could probably have sex tonight if I asked nicely and she didn’t have anything more urgent to do like brush the cat or reorganize the Tupperware cupboard.
> 
> The issue isnt refusal, it’s no libido or interest of her own. It would be duty sex with her looking at the clock and telling me to hurry up, and I am not into that at all.


And yet you very often say you won’t stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in you. Sounds like you have your answer.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> Did your daughter get to come home...??


Yes on Monday afternoon. I then took her back in via Emergency (medically unstable) yesterday, on Wednesday afternoon.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Personal said:


> Yes on Monday afternoon. I then took her back in via Emergency (medically unstable) yesterday, on Wednesday afternoon.


I think of her (and you) all the time...let me know if I can help in any way!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> Is Florida a community property and alimony state? In Texas, its 50/50, no alimony for qualified spouses. I know she's not working, but can she?
> 
> Honestly, if she's not upholding her end (barring medical issues) or making an effort to meet you halfway, her finances should not be your problem. Maybe you should see a lawyer and see what your options are. If you are in your 50's, your kids should be grown now, yes?


Florida sucks for guys getting divorced. In my last divorce, my ex made DOUBLE what I did and SHE filled and I still had to pay her money in the end. And I had a really good attorney.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Florida sucks for guys getting divorced. In my last divorce, my ex made DOUBLE what I did and SHE filled and I still had to pay her money in the end. And I had a really good attorney.


That’s such a miscarriage of justice, I understand why you are gunshy now. Even so, is it worth living the rest of your life this way? I don't know if it makes a difference, but when you face your mortality, every miserable moment seems a huge waste of life. 

Have you told her how unloved and unappreciated you feel? I don't know your back history, oldshirt mentioned he was unsure if she cheated. If so, I'd have no qualms in kicking her ass to the curb, Wtf is up with spouses denying their spouses then cheating (if applicable? Talk about adding insult to injury.

Btw, why isn't she working? You'd think she'd have lots of time and energy for sex.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Sometimes I get these threads mixed up with other threads and people so someone can correct me if I’m wrong, but I think she has already cheated on him in the past.


I hope not. On top of lack of respect and love, not working and not having sex with a husband is basically thumbing her nose at him.



oldshirt said:


> Sexuality is a critical component for me to remain in a marriage as well so I get where you are coming from.
> 
> However marriage does not give one license or dominion over another person’s body.
> 
> ...


I get what you're saying. I was surprised when people told me I could have left him for lack of sex, it never crossed my mind. 

I was misled, he said he had ED and asked for support as he supported me through my illness. I took him at his word, bc he used to be caring and thought it was part of "for better or worse ". 

At the end of the day, it was my choice to stay then, and I accept that. I didn't complain until he cheated, then it was abig frickin problem. I really hope Florida Guy's wife did not cheat, bc this is a miserable existence.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Florida sucks for guys getting divorced. In my last divorce, my ex made DOUBLE what I did and SHE filled and I still had to pay her money in the end. And I had a really good attorney.


Pay what? A judge ordered the lower earning spouse to pay the higher earning spouse spousal support? On what mathematical formula 🤔

Or do you mean you had to split marital assets?

Or do you mean child support in the event she had the children more time than you?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Florida sucks for guys getting divorced. In my last divorce, my ex made DOUBLE what I did and SHE filled and I still had to pay her money in the end. And I had a really good attorney.


That’s disgusting. Courts are rigged against humans with penises.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> That’s such a miscarriage of justice, I understand why you are gunshy now. Even so, is it worth living the rest of your life this way? I don't know if it makes a difference, but when you face your mortality, every miserable moment seems a huge waste of life.
> 
> Have you told her how unloved and unappreciated you feel? I don't know your back history, oldshirt mentioned he was unsure if she cheated. If so, I'd have no qualms in kicking her ass to the curb, Wtf is up with spouses denying their spouses then cheating (if applicable? Talk about adding insult to injury.
> 
> Btw, why isn't she working? You'd think she'd have lots of time and energy for sex.


No she never cheated...mist have been another thread. Yeah not sure why she isn't working either? Lost her job a few years back and now has even stopped looking. I agree if you don't have to go to work everyday, you should have more time and energy for sex!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Pay what? A judge ordered the lower earning spouse to pay the higher earning spouse spousal support? On what mathematical formula 🤔
> 
> Or do you mean you had to split marital assets?
> 
> Or do you mean child support in the event she had the children more time than you?


There were no kids. She decided to leave and I had to pay for her car, her apartment, etc. Yeah welcome to being a guy going through a divorce! And my attorney told me it would be easier to pay than fight it as if I lost (which SHE said I would. I was smart enough to hire a female attorney) It would likely cost me more than what it did.

This is the crap that makes guys think twice about getting divorced.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> This is the crap that makes guys think twice about getting divorced.


Or get married again!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Or get married again!


EXACTLY! If this marriage fails, I will NOT do it again. Period.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> No she never cheated...mist have been another thread. Yeah not sure why she isn't working either? Lost her job a few years back and now has even stopped looking. I agree if you don't have to go to work everyday, you should have more time and energy for sex!


Thank God for small mercies, at least.

Is she depressed? I get it, job-hunting now sucks, but can't just let it slide bc it does. 

It sounds like your whole dynamic shifted at some point. Can you figure out when that was?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> UGH!!!! NOT every woman...don't you ever listen to me?? Lol!!
> 
> For the record - I would NEVER "lust after" any man that makes me afraid I could lose him...I wouldn't waste my desire on a man like that - I would back off and let him go find whoever he wants more than me! And then I'd find a man who makes me feel like he DOES want ME, and I'd put my whole self into wanting HIM.
> 
> And I KNOW I can't be the only woman who feels this way.


Nope, maybe not you, but if I had a dime for every married dude creating a profile and posting “my wife stopped having sex with me”, I wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore. The problem is that the guy doesn’t find out until he’s been beta’d out in a crappy marriage for 10 years. Then it’s too late. Then all he has left is to post on a site like this looking for the magic libido pill that doesn’t exist. Wait for wifey to go to bed at 9pm, probably with a kid in bed with her, so he can jerk off in peace (I say in peace but who knows as there’s a woman on here who secretly records her husband jacking off). Then get up, go to work and do it all over again. If he’s lucky enough to have the day off, he’ll get to mow the lawn, fix the car and re-hang a shelf for the fourth time because his wife didn’t like the first three spots. Yup, all too much risk for my liking. I’ll keep spinning plates...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> No she never cheated...mist have been another thread.



I must have had this confused with another thread. I stand corrected.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Nope, maybe not you, but if I had a dime for every married dude creating a profile and posting “my wife stopped having sex with me”, I wouldn’t have to worry about money anymore. The problem is that the guy doesn’t find out until he’s been beta’d out in a crappy marriage for 10 years. Then it’s too late. Then all he has left is to post on a site like this looking for the magic libido pill that doesn’t exist. Wait for wifey to go to bed at 9pm, probably with a kid in bed with her, so he can jerk off in peace (I say in peace but who knows as there’s a woman on here who secretly records her husband jacking off). Then get up, go to work and do it all over again. If he’s lucky enough to have the day off, he’ll get to mow the lawn, fix the car and re-hang a shelf for the fourth time because his wife didn’t like the first three spots. Yup, all too much risk for my liking. I’ll keep spinning plates...


I hope you don't trip over something while concentrating on those plates and everything falls and smashes everywhere...Lol!

Ok, I AGREE with you, mostly. But when you post those things, you make it sound like EVERY woman is the way you are saying, and when it sounds awful, and it's NOT ME...I have to say something!!!

You go right ahead and argue with me as much as you want to...I can take it! I'll never think less of you...


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> I hope you don't trip over something while concentrating on those plates and everything falls and smashes everywhere...Lol!
> 
> Ok, I AGREE with you, mostly. But when you post those things, you make it sound like EVERY woman is the way you are saying, and when it sounds awful, and it's NOT ME...I have to say something!!!
> 
> You go right ahead and argue with me as much as you want to...I can take it! I'll never think less of you...


Plates are far cheaper than wives. When one breaks, it’s easily replaceable.

No worries Diane, I’ve said it before but you are one of the rare ones out there. However, you’re still searching for that romantic, everlasting love like searching for aliens in Roswell, New Mexico. It’s cute though...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Plates are far cheaper than wives. When one breaks, it’s easily replaceable.
> 
> No worries Diane, I’ve said it before but you are one of the rare ones out there. However, you’re still searching for that romantic, everlasting love like searching for aliens in Roswell, New Mexico. It’s cute though...


LOLOL!!!!!!! You are TOO FUNNY!!!! 🤣


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> Plates are far cheaper than wives. When one breaks, it’s easily replaceable.
> 
> No worries Diane, I’ve said it before but you are one of the rare ones out there. However, you’re still searching for that romantic, everlasting love like searching for aliens in Roswell, New Mexico. It’s cute though...


I guess I like alien-hunting too  

Sorry for the thread-jack, FloridaGuy, how are you doing today?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> I guess I like alien-hunting too
> 
> Sorry for the thread-jack, FloridaGuy, how are you doing today?


YAY!!!! Lol! 💜💜💜


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> I guess I like alien-hunting too
> 
> Sorry for the thread-jack, FloridaGuy, how are you doing today?


No worries thats what good thread are all about...diversity! Doing well as its almost the end of the week!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> No worries thats what good thread are all about...diversity! Doing well as its almost the end of the week!


Even so, I don't like going off on a tangent and forgetting the person who reached out.

So, the asshole in me wants to know if you're going to do anything about the sitch this weekend...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Has anyone lost their interest in sex based on their SO's lack of interest?
> 
> I am noticing my overall interest is declining based on my wife's lack of interest. If I do get an urge, (maybe only 1 or 2 times per month now) I watch some porn and take care of myself.


Hey brother, if you'd stay away from the porn I think your interest in her would eventually overcome your resentment... you'd be back in the saddle and loving it again. I bet she'd go crazy for you too!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

TXTrini said:


> Even so, I don't like going off on a tangent and forgetting the person who reached out.
> 
> So, the asshole in me wants to know if you're going to do anything about the sitch this weekend...


I'll keep you posted!


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

CatholicDad said:


> Hey brother, if you'd stay away from the porn I think your interest in her would eventually overcome your resentment... you'd be back in the saddle and loving it again. I bet she'd go crazy for you too!


I like your optimism but her lack of interest in sex with me is what leads me to checking out porn! The resentment is based on years of hearing "not now" or "I'm too tired"


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I like your optimism but her lack of interest in sex with me is what leads me to checking out porn! The resentment is based on years of hearing "not now" or "I'm too tired"


Women are pretty intuitive. She probably knows deep down you're getting it somewhere else. She's probably more sexually frustrated than you are... just can't tap into it because she doesn't feel safe, or loved, or the million other things that women need to feel to want wild sex with you. Nothing's going to get better though if you just keep turning to porn and ignoring the problem. Next thing you know you'll have ED because only porn floats your boat.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I like your optimism but her lack of interest in sex with me is what leads me to checking out porn! The resentment is based on years of hearing "not now" or "I'm too tired"


Catholicdad thinks that porn is the root of all evil.  While sometimes it IS an issue I don’t get the sense this applies in your case. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I haven't had sex with my sex for the last 3 years and my desire is still there. It might fluctuate, but I could have sex every day... BTW, I'm 57...


how you can stay that long with your wife I’ll never know. 1 month for me and my feet started looking for the door....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I like your optimism but her lack of interest in sex with me is what leads me to checking out porn! The resentment is based on years of hearing "not now" or "I'm too tired"


I typically disagree with @CatholicDad hard-line anti porn rhetoric. 

However I think he does kind of have a point in a way here. 

I think if guys satiate themselves too much, they become sedate and comfortable and lose their edge and prowess.

As the tank fills and the tension builds, a man can become more edgy and more assertive and more initiative. 

I do believe that women can instinctively notice this.

Now does that mean that your wife will become more responsive to you??? I dunno maybe, maybe not.

But even if she doesn’t, someone else might. 

And if your pressure level is approaching the red line, you may have the motivation and initiative to go for it yourself. 

When your tank is drained and you are full of the statisfied hormones, you’re content to just sit there.

Guys that have a full tank and pressure at full capacity, make things happen.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I typically disagree with @CatholicDad hard-line anti porn rhetoric.
> 
> However I think he does kind of have a point in a way here.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree that you can overdo porn but in a situation like mine, how long should I wait for the wife to put out? Like now...we are on almost two weeks without anything and she isn't interested so I don't think if I fire up the computer and surf some threesome action and take care of myself its going to really hurt my chances with her. I get the idea of wanting sex with a real person over masturbation but what should I do, just wait for her to come around? What if it takes a month, 6 weeks, two months?

Shes gone a few times up to two months without wanting it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Presumably you have talked with her and let her know the frequency is an issue for you and asked her if anything is wrong?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I don't disagree that you can overdo porn but in a situation like mine, how long should I wait for the wife to put out? Like now...we are on almost two weeks without anything and she isn't interested so I don't think if I fire up the computer and surf some threesome action and take care of myself its going to really hurt my chances with her. I get the idea of wanting sex with a real person over masturbation but what should I do, just wait for her to come around? What if it takes a month, 6 weeks, two months?
> 
> Shes gone a few times up to two months without wanting it.


I wasn’t talking about her coming around. 

I am talking about YOU coming around and making things happen.

If you are spanking to porn, then you will sit waiting for her to take action which may not ever occur. What could happen there is she goes blissfully on about her business while you turn into some pathetic, creepy dude spanking to porn all the time. 

But if you let that pressure and tension build, it will likely motivate you into action sooner rather than later and you’ll make things happen. 

Either you will start initiating with her and she complies, or she decides to come right out and tell you to ****** off at which point you can decide if you want to remain in the relationship or go elsewhere. 

Either way you make things happen rather than sitting in front of a glowing rectangle with your pants around your ankles like some 14 year old that can’t get a girlfriend.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Like now...we are on almost two weeks without anything


Two weeks!

I don’t know why you don’t just have sex with another woman instead.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I wasn’t talking about her coming around.
> 
> I am talking about YOU coming around and making things happen.
> 
> ...


OK gotchya...didn't get your point.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Personal said:


> Two weeks!
> 
> I don’t know why you don’t just have sex with another woman instead.


Well if there was one around, I would but haven't seen to cross paths with any who are interested lately.

Where would a middle aged married man meet such a woman?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Well if there was one around, I would but haven't seen to cross paths with any who are interested lately.
> 
> Where would a middle aged married man meet such a woman?


A middle aged man would find a real woman In the real world. 

Not a glowing rectangle.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> A middle aged man would find a real woman In the real world.
> 
> Not a glowing rectangle.


Yeah but I meant one for sex. I think the odds of just going out and trying to pick up women for sex while married is far tougher than most would believe. I did that 30 years ago while 20 and single in college but I really don't believe it would happen all that easily now but what do I know, I haven't ever tried. I just think comments like Personal's while "real" are not very "realistic".


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Where would a middle aged married man meet such a woman?


Work, friends, acquaintances, shops, people you meet, parties. Dating apps, or sex workers.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> I just think comments like Personal's while "real" are not very "realistic".


I am fat, short and old and I still sometimes get asked out, flirted with and sexual offers (the latest was Friday night).

Carry yourself a certain way, know your worth, smile, be pleasant, have a little “it” and a slice of charm. Then as long as you’re not dead, it needn’t be that difficult.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Yeah but I meant one for sex. I think the odds of just going out and trying to pick up women for sex while married is far tougher than most would believe. I did that 30 years ago while 20 and single in college but I really don't believe it would happen all that easily now but what do I know, I haven't ever tried. I just think comments like Personal's while "real" are not very "realistic".


It may not be “easy.” But what worthwhile thing in life is? 

It May require getting out of the house and talking to people and doing things. 

But Porn and inaction are easy. That’s why there are so many men spending their lives in front of glowing rectangles. It’s the easy and comfortable path.

But which path do you think accomplishes more.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Dude, it’s time to drop the divorce hammer on your wife. A second one bites the dust for you. Same as me. I am just a year ahead of you. Sex is no longer an issue. Even going through the divorce machine I was dating and meeting women. You’d be surprised. You will get your confidence back after you first lay. It’s all up from there. Just keep yourself personal stuff separate from anymore women and enjoy your new life. It’s only one process server away...


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## throughtorment (Jan 2, 2021)

I hate begging to differ with the "Your wife needs to feels safe, secure and you need open communication for her to want to have sex" BUT, that is a Reader's Digest make love scenario that lasts from 1960 Valentines Day.

If you are looking for desire, reckless excitement from your wife, she needs the rush of endorphins and dopamine that manifests from competition anxiety or a nonsensical experience. 

Met my wife when she was 41 (me, 45). She had lots of various experiences, yet, after finding out about most of these, I've realized that she disliked all of these partners. Alpha males who she needed to conquer (self esteem?) and such.

Security = boredom 

I started 5 months ago, going to the gym, I've lost 33 pounds so far. Here's my secret: Convince yourself that you are leaving and will be on the prowl again (you might be) OR, that SHE is leaving, and you need to get your act together (she might be) 
Worst case? you're right 
Best case? she thinks you're leaving or, at the very least, looking or up to something.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Florida sucks for guys getting divorced. In my last divorce, my ex made DOUBLE what I did and SHE filled and I still had to pay her money in the end. And I had a really good attorney.


Is that because of custody share? I don't recall your family status. Or did you convert your separate property into community property (live she paid for home upkeep)?

Here in CA, my ex would be on the hook because I have our daughter 100% even though I make over double what she does. I didn't pursue it because I have no desire to squeeze her, but those are rules.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> Or get married again!


Seriously! I would like to marry again someday, but only with a solid prenup. I won't pay alimony or split my retirement or any assets I already have. Nor do I want any of that from her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> I hope you don't trip over something while concentrating on those plates and everything falls and smashes everywhere...Lol!
> 
> Ok, I AGREE with you, mostly. But when you post those things, you make it sound like EVERY woman is the way you are saying, and when it sounds awful, and it's NOT ME...I have to say something!!!
> 
> You go right ahead and argue with me as much as you want to...I can take it! I'll never think less of you...


I get it. When I hear women say that "men are" or "men do" I have to speak up. In fact, just today my friend said "guys..." and I corrected her with "the crappy guys you tend to attract...". LOL!

As it so happens, she complains because she won't put in the effort a relationship takes and gets douche guys (or guys with issues) but that's another story.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Personal said:


> I am fat, short and old and I still sometimes get asked out, flirted with and sexual offers (the latest was Friday night).
> 
> Carry yourself a certain way, know your worth, smile, be pleasant, have a little “it” and a slice of charm. Then as long as you’re not dead, it needn’t be that difficult.


This! Having a little polish and accomplishment goes a long ways.


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