# I think my marriage is OVER. Please Read. Did he betray me or not



## Roxy123 (Apr 25, 2013)

I am fairly new to this website, and would like to apologize in advance for any mistakes.
I would appreciate any and all opinions as I am feeling like I am ready to burst my bubble.
As best as I can to make this as short as possible. Tomorrow is a 10 Marriage Anniversary, 15 Years together, but celebrating is not something that I am feeling at the moment. We are a normal couple, I cannot say that my husband is the best or the worst. I am a realist, someone who always analyzes and thinks twice before does anything. I know men and women are very different, we perceive one object completely differently, my view and understanding always saved us a lot of arguments. We have our fights, small and big ones, my husband has a bit of a temper problem, which after 15 Years is not severe as it was. We are young, hardworking people, responsible people, 2 kids, our friends view us as a perfect couple. We always try to communicate and talk about any problems if one or the other, or both feel the need, compromise or understanding that we do not understand each other would always work for us. However, this problem will destroy us. We both from the beginning created a foundation, which included loyalty, honesty, respect and always no matter what it is if something goes wrong we speak the truth. Let it be a loved or feelings ended, or anything we sit and talk or fight or whatever, but we speak, we communicate, We Don’t LIE. 
Last month we went on vacation, with kids and friends, about 12 couples all with kids. Family Vacation. Next Day after dinner, guys made a nice exit, I knew that they were going to strip club, and I was the only wife who knew. I would never tell my husband not to go, its all of them, I would never lower him down in front of his friends, and the fact that he is called PW. Do I like him ogling naked chicks, no I don’t, but it has no weight to argue over. My husband went to numerous bachelor parties, 1 night or 5 nights in Puerto Rico, I always trusted him, liked NO, I did not, but I trusted him. My husband is a germ freak and also would never spend money on something he skeeves, he is hard working guy and at times IS cheap. And to mention, he is also not a typical guy when it comes to sex, he is not one of those who’s sex drive is over the limit, my sex drive is much higher and he also indicates how lucky he is for his “sex freak” . We have a rule I don’t ask you don’t tell, but when you come back from any strip clubs or bachelor parties you pack your clothes in a bag and give it to cleaners. The first bachelor party during our relationship we actually argued about it, he said he would never touch a stripper, let alone get a lap dance, so why do a skeeve his clothes, he was angry hurt and all that, where I explained, you don’t have to touch them, you sit there, who knows who was before you and what was done. I volunteer in shelters, I do the same thing. So 15 Years of together, family vacation, 2 kids, perfect HOT couple… morning after the strip club I had to work a little, conference call that I had to prepare for about 20 minutes. Breakfast was late, kids were up and I was running like a maniac. As always he left his clothes on the floor, I take a tissue, pick up his shorts and tshirt and put both items on the chair, without even looking at him I ask that when he gets up to pack his staff in a bag for cleaners. Did I yell NO, did I say nicely, my love please pack your clothes, no. My voice wasn’t raised or anything, using as I would use on my kid to pack his bookbag. To which he gets up like, pissed and starts yelling at me, My clothes are clean, NO one touched me, stop looking at them like they dirty, with he finishes up with an idiot. I tell him that I need to get on the phone, and I did not say his clothing is dirty, but as usual places that have some extra germ I like them contained. The rest of the day was ok, we spoke, but he was very upset with me and had a sour face. Next day he was more civil, I asked him to take a walk on the beach with me. He said that he didn’t want to yell, its just drives him crazy that all guys do everything in the club and lapdances and private rooms and all that, this guy got this the other one did that, and that he stood like moron and when a stripper came up he got a dance for his BFF. His blue eyes as always so innocent, and I believed him. I actually stopped him few times and told him DO NOT tell me what your friends did, I do not want to know, I never asked what you or they did. Just the rule we have with clothing, just like when I come from volunteering. All is good all is perfect, he never picked up his staff, that chair became his pile of clothes closet. I actually thought that he packed the staff. The day we were going back I started to pack, he was sleeping kids were up. So I get to the bottom of his “closet” and find clothes. Using tissue I start packing the staff that touched as well as the attire worn and see his short. His white shorts in front, from top to bottom entire crotch area, zipper and little back is covered in bronzer, really covered in bronzer, like bronzer plus top layer of the skin. I pick up the short, wake him up and show him the shorts, with the following phrase. Your clothes are not as clean as you presented them. He turned white, flew from the bed and start yelling, that his BFF got him a lap dance. I said nothing. He left with kids I went to pack, after I took few showers. But we spoke, ate, I answered his questions. Inside I had FIRE. HE LIED. For no reason, he lied, he created a story when there was no need. If he would of not said a thing in the morning from night before, I would have no ground to be mad, of course I hate that there was a naked woman rubbing him, but as I say… It is what it is. 
We fly back, plane delayed, we land in the middle of the night, I take a shower and go to work, come night I look into his face and tell him, that the lie and the way he did it, was something that I did not expect, to me it creates a problem, why did you lie? How many times did you lie? But as of now I don’t want to know, I finalized with telling him that I have no idea who you are, you are not the guy I thought you were. This is when things got 100% worse. Arguments turned into unbearable fights, he left one night I kicked him out the other night. Now here is what it is and where I am. His called me next day and tried to explain why he lied. This was his explanation, if I went to a doctor and doctor told me that my husband has cancer and is dying in 2 weeks, would you tell me? I told him that his example is not the brightest just like him and also asked him how many times I had cancer. He is telling me that the only reason he lied is not to hurt me, so I asked him how often he lies about things that he does that would hurt me. He thinks he didn’t do anything wrong and I am a sick person. Afterwards, he describes that stripper was not nude nor topless she just danced for 2 seconds and he only touched her hips. I did not ask, he volunteered. I refused to hear or look at him. Until our son mentions to me why Dad is telling everyone about the problem. HE said grandma, I explained to our son, that its daddy’s mom and given, just like you he would go and talk to mom for her to help him or just be there for him. My little boy crying tells me that he said it to everyone and also to daddy’s friend and daddy’s friend said something bad. So while driving his BFF, which was from airport with his family, my son said that dad and BFF were whispering and when dad what happened, BFF came back with the following, at least she did not caught you having sex, no one knows we stayed late. I can’t describe what and everything that occurred after this. For 2 hours I quietly spoke with my son, telling him if he is .0001% uncertain of a letter from each word or anything as tinny, he must take it back and we will never say it to anyone, not to daddy or anyone. He wouldn’t take it back. I didn’t care that this low life cheated if he did, I couldn’t have a son doing this to his father. My brother in law came over to see how things were, and he talks to little one. We went through hell, where my kid took everything back and said he lied, did I mention he is 9? I guess age is important. HE went back and forth back and forth. So far he took everything back. I don’t know anything anymore, where are lies? Illusions or truth? All I know that my life has changed and I do not look at him as I did a month ago. I feel empty at times or get very angry … but all is internal and stress is eating me. He cried, trying to explain that he is loyal and that he does everything for us. Which he does, he is a great father, provider, responsible hard working man, also was my best friend ONLY close friend and I can no longer know if I can ever forgive or forget and even if I do, will I forgive myself for forgiving him? I also did a lot of research, on the strip club and all about it. Did I mention Florida? Where strippers touch and allowed to be touched back, some things that guys describe that they do there is not something that I can make myself be ok with that. I look at this and think, I always thought if you not loyal, can you at least be intelligent about it and at least not hurt your kids and me. I don’t know what will happen how will I feel and this feeling like I don’t know anything anymore. Can someone please make me see what I don’t see, am I taking this overboard. Someone just please help me understand what is wrong or right. 

I am so sorry I tried to make is as short as possible and trust me I did not mention some things. But please if you have little time let me know how to continue, because I don’t know how.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. 

He lied to you about contact with a stripper. He's the only one who knows if he's telling you the truth now. He has broken your trust. It could be more than that but what you know now may be all that you ever know about that situation.

I personally had a tremendous amount of difficulty with my STBXH's lies about cheating. It was so uncharacteristic of him, I thought, and I felt the lies were as bad as the cheating. 

Only you can determine if what your husband has done is a dealbreaker.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Could you edit your text to give it paragraphs? A lot of people have difficulty reading a wall of words. I think you will get more comments if you do that.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Could you edit your text to give it paragraphs? A lot of people have difficulty reading a wall of words. I think you will get more comments if you do that.


:iagree: please have mercy for our meagre eyesights..


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I'm not sure why you'd be angry with your husband for having a lap dance. He went to a strip club with your consent. What did you think he was going to do there? Read library books?

I don't mean to be rude. I really don't. But if you give your husband your blessing to visit strip clubs, it is possible he's going to get a lap dance.

Is it that you KNOW what happened, when you were only ok with his going to strip clubs if he didn't tell you details?

I'm having a little trouble reading your post, so please forgive me if my assessment is inaccurate. 

If you don't want him to have lap dances, either go with him to the strip clubs and give him a lap dance yourself...or ask him not to go to strip clubs.

You're giving your husband mixed signals. If you don't want him to do these things, drop the "cool wife" act and just tell how it hurts you and you don't want him to go.

If he doesn't respect that, then you've got a real problem.

This problem is of your own making though. You can't tell a man he can go do something, and then get mad when he does it. It's just not fair. And that's what happens in strip clubs. I don't see how your husband betrayed you. I see that you put yourself in this position.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

Roxy123 said:


> I am fairly new to this website, and would like to apologize in advance for any mistakes.
> I would appreciate any and all opinions as I am feeling like I am ready to burst my bubble.
> As best as I can to make this as short as possible. Tomorrow is a 10 Marriage Anniversary, 15 Years together, but celebrating is not something that I am feeling at the moment. We are a normal couple, I cannot say that my husband is the best or the worst. I am a realist, someone who always analyzes and thinks twice before does anything. I know men and women are very different, we perceive one object completely differently, my view and understanding always saved us a lot of arguments. We have our fights, small and big ones, my husband has a bit of a temper problem, which after 15 Years is not severe as it was. We are young, hardworking people, responsible people, 2 kids, our friends view us as a perfect couple. We always try to communicate and talk about any problems if one or the other, or both feel the need, compromise or understanding that we do not understand each other would always work for us. However, this problem will destroy us. We both from the beginning created a foundation, which included loyalty, honesty, respect and always no matter what it is if something goes wrong we speak the truth. Let it be a loved or feelings ended, or anything we sit and talk or fight or whatever, but we speak, we communicate, We Don’t LIE.
> Last month we went on vacation, with kids and friends, about 12 couples all with kids. Family Vacation. Next Day after dinner, guys made a nice exit, I knew that they were going to strip club, and I was the only wife who knew. I would never tell my husband not to go, its all of them, I would never lower him down in front of his friends, and the fact that he is called PW. Do I like him ogling naked chicks, no I don’t, but it has no weight to argue over. My husband went to numerous bachelor parties, 1 night or 5 nights in Puerto Rico, I always trusted him, liked NO, I did not, but I trusted him. My husband is a germ freak and also would never spend money on something he skeeves, he is hard working guy and at times IS cheap. And to mention, he is also not a typical guy when it comes to sex, he is not one of those who’s sex drive is over the limit, my sex drive is much higher and he also indicates how lucky he is for his “sex freak” . We have a rule I don’t ask you don’t tell, but when you come back from any strip clubs or bachelor parties you pack your clothes in a bag and give it to cleaners. The first bachelor party during our relationship we actually argued about it, he said he would never touch a stripper, let alone get a lap dance, so why do a skeeve his clothes, he was angry hurt and all that, where I explained, you don’t have to touch them, you sit there, who knows who was before you and what was done. I volunteer in shelters, I do the same thing. So 15 Years of together, family vacation, 2 kids, perfect HOT couple… morning after the strip club I had to work a little, conference call that I had to prepare for about 20 minutes. Breakfast was late, kids were up and I was running like a maniac. As always he left his clothes on the floor, I take a tissue, pick up his shorts and tshirt and put both items on the chair, without even looking at him I ask that when he gets up to pack his staff in a bag for cleaners. Did I yell NO, did I say nicely, my love please pack your clothes, no. My voice wasn’t raised or anything, using as I would use on my kid to pack his bookbag. To which he gets up like, pissed and starts yelling at me, My clothes are clean, NO one touched me, stop looking at them like they dirty, with he finishes up with an idiot. I tell him that I need to get on the phone, and I did not say his clothing is dirty, but as usual places that have some extra germ I like them contained. The rest of the day was ok, we spoke, but he was very upset with me and had a sour face. Next day he was more civil, I asked him to take a walk on the beach with me. He said that he didn’t want to yell, its just drives him crazy that all guys do everything in the club and lapdances and private rooms and all that, this guy got this the other one did that, and that he stood like moron and when a stripper came up he got a dance for his BFF. His blue eyes as always so innocent, and I believed him. I actually stopped him few times and told him DO NOT tell me what your friends did, I do not want to know, I never asked what you or they did. Just the rule we have with clothing, just like when I come from volunteering. All is good all is perfect, he never picked up his staff, that chair became his pile of clothes closet. I actually thought that he packed the staff. The day we were going back I started to pack, he was sleeping kids were up. So I get to the bottom of his “closet” and find clothes. Using tissue I start packing the staff that touched as well as the attire worn and see his short. His white shorts in front, from top to bottom entire crotch area, zipper and little back is covered in bronzer, really covered in bronzer, like bronzer plus top layer of the skin. I pick up the short, wake him up and show him the shorts, with the following phrase. Your clothes are not as clean as you presented them. He turned white, flew from the bed and start yelling, that his BFF got him a lap dance. I said nothing. He left with kids I went to pack, after I took few showers. But we spoke, ate, I answered his questions. Inside I had FIRE. HE LIED. For no reason, he lied, he created a story when there was no need. If he would of not said a thing in the morning from night before, I would have no ground to be mad, of course I hate that there was a naked woman rubbing him, but as I say… It is what it is.
> ...


I would lie too about it. It seems he is afraid of you and your reactions, so lying about something so small in the big picture of things isnt the worst thing in history. i doubt he has done anything other than gettting a couple dances and really as a guy, there is no harm in their heads to their wives. They all love their wives, but when there is a guys nite, thats what happens.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

> ... if I went to a doctor and doctor told me that my husband has cancer and is dying in 2 weeks, would you tell me? I told him that *his example is not the brightest just like him* and also asked him how many times I had cancer.


When you're fighting, the point is to fight FAIR. Name-calling and put-downs are not allowed. I just bet you'd hit the roof if he said these kinds of things to YOU.

Sounds like you have longstanding trust and miscommunication issues. It also sounds like you are not okay with these kinds of activities at all — and never have been. (Picking up clothes with tissues?? Putting volunteer or strip-club garments in a special cleaners' bag??) And yet, you don't tell him this. Why not? Are you afraid he'll laugh it off and go anyway? That he won't see you as "his sex freak" anymore? That he'll throw a raging fit? If you're afraid to tell him how you feel, you've got a bigger problem than a little white lie.

From what you've written, I'd say you both need a trial separation, and some counseling to learn communication and fighting skills. You're both to blame here. If something's bothering you, talk to him and FIGHT FAIR. If something's bothering him, he has the right to expect the same from you.

As far as whether your marriage is over, only you can decide that. But if you really love him, you need to do everything in your power to save the marriage — and that may include working on *yourself*. I have a feeling there are a lot more issues here than what you've presented. But, how much or little you decide to reveal is up to you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Roxy I'm sorry you are here. I don't understand your position about you asking him not to tell you anything. I'm ok if my husbads go to a stripclub but, I would like to know what happens. I would not interrogate him but I would ask a few things. 
It also concerns me how you addressed your son, he's tell you something and you seem to doubt him. Talking for him for 2 hours about him having to be sure or take it back? Why? I would not put him in that position. Then after you allow bil to speak to him and he takes it back. I think you are causing great damage to your son. You doubt what he said he heard instead of considering that he is 9 and could not make up a story like this and that he was upset. You are going to lose his trust. I would have clarified a few details as in who said what an left him alone. Two hours is a long time for anyone especially a kid. "I didn’t care that this low life cheated if he did, I couldn’t have a son doing this to his father" do you really think a 9 year old would plot this? It worries me that you don't believe your son and that you think he would make up this story, he was crying when he told you.
If someone said that to him I would be upset with the adults who said this in front of him. plus you saw the stained boxers he got very mad and there is a story that confirms your suspicions. You need to deal with this with your husband. 

I would ask him to do a polygraph if he won't fess up. See a marriage counseler and don't put your son in that situation again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Hate to say it, but I'm afraid that it sounds like he didn't just get a lap dance. 

Yes, I think you've been betrayed.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

I read this from the OP: "...We have a rule I don’t ask you don’t tell, ...".

THAT says it all. I would not be surprised your husband cheated on you. I also would not be surprised that you are the same type of person as your husband...what a silly "agreement" to have.

And the sound of it, does he go to bachelor parties weekly?!? 

I would not be surprised if you contributed to the current state of affairs....read your quote again! Sounds like you asked for this heartache.

LEAVE YOUR SON OUT OF YOUR DIRTY BUSINESS!!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Roxy I'm sorry you are here. I don't understand your position about you asking him not to tell you anything. I'm ok if my husbads go to a stripclub but, I would like to know what happens. I would not interrogate him but I would ask a few things.
> *It also concerns me how you addressed your son, he's tell you something and you seem to doubt him. Talking for him for 2 hours about him having to be sure or take it back? Why? I would not put him in that position. Then after you allow bil to speak to him and he takes it back. I think you are causing great damage to your son. You doubt what he said he heard instead of considering that he is 9 and could not make up a story like this and that he was upset. You are going to lose his trust. I would have clarified a few details as in who said what an left him alone. Two hours is a long time for anyone especially a kid. "I didn’t care that this low life cheated if he did, I couldn’t have a son doing this to his father" do you really think a 9 year old would plot this? It worries me that you don't believe your son and that you think he would make up this story, he was crying when he told you.
> If someone said that to him I would be upset with the adults who said this in front of him. plus you saw the stained boxers he got very mad and there is a story that confirms your suspicions. You need to deal with this with your husband.*
> 
> ...


:iagree:

OP, I too am concerned about the way you treated your son as stated above. I also have a real hard time with the whole liberal idea of "don't ask don't tell". 

I, for one, would never give my blessing for my husband to go to a stripp club. I don't believe married men ought to be placing themselves in a situation that can be damaging to a marriage, and visa-versa, nor should their wives think it is OK just because his friends are doing it. How many bachelor parties does one man need to go to anyway?

Again, as others have stated, I am sorry for what you are going through, but the two of you paved the way for this to happen. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to reset some boundaries.


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