# Obsessing over details



## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I have another topic on here, "simply can't cope" . I would like some opinions on another area I am struggling with. Long story short....my husband had a brief 10-day sexual and emotional affair with a stranger he met at a restaurant. There a more details in my other thread. It has been just over 2 months since this came to light. I confronted him, I feel like he stopped and we have been working through things since then. He has been nothing but cooperative. 
My issue is....I can't stop obsessing about the details of the affair. I stalk her on facebook, I drive by the places they went together. I even went into the restaurant and looked around to see the atmosphere. He picked her up in the car I usually drive. I couldn't even ride in it for a few weeks. Is this normal behavior? I continually go over his phone records and piece together a time-line of their time together. 
He has answered my questions of their encounter, but doesn't really want to talk about the sexual details. I'm not sure I need to know them anyway. I just can quit obsessing. Someone tell me if this is normal or if I'm seriously losing my mind!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sometimes the reality of the sex is not as bad than the imagined sex, but you may not want to put the real images in your head. Tough to say which is best to do


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ya its normal. Is she married or partnered?
As someone who asked for grphic details...I wish I never would have but in a way I'm glad I did cause having him describe it to me made it all even more real and grave what he did.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

To: Almost Recovered - you have been more help to me than anything since this all started.

To: Jellybeans - yes she is married and supposedly in an "open marriage". I think she is because her husband openly pursues other women on the internet. 

He tells me he has no fond memories of the sexual encounters (there were 2). He says he's ashamed of himself and has begged for forgiveness over and over again. I don't know if bringing it up to him is good. I want him to forget her. By bringing it up, am I just keeping it fresh. Ahhhhh. I don't know how to handle it. I told him I never want to eat the restaurants they went to again. Is that stupid? Should I just go in with him and face it? Make him face it as well?

I can't help but think about it. I need to find ways to get these thoughts out of my head. I may be imagining it be more of a "romantic encounter" than just a sordid hook up. Does anyone relate?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

KK

I read your other post. This is normal for you to be in disbelief. It is normal for you to question your husbands actions.

My wife and I were discussing monogomy last week. We both agreed that it is not in the human DNA to be sexually attracted to one person for a life time. We all look and we all fantisize about other men and women. Most of us are strong enough to stop at the fantisizing and say no to the actual act of infidelity.

My point here is, we are all human and some do make mistakes. You mentioned your husband is a good man, good father. Look at the big picture here. I personally think asking for passwords and all that stuff is a waste of time. If you do not trust the guy you do not trust the guy.

I know I have been faithful to my wife for 18 years. I am 99.9 percent sure that she has been faithful to me. I have though about this and know that if my wife has a lapse of judgement, I will have to look at the relationship as a whole. I would not give her a free pass. I would want to know what she is lacking or missing in our sex life to cheat.

I would take this approach. Ask your husband why he did this and if he intends to do it again. If he says no, good. At this point in time tell him if he truely loves you and respects you he will sign a post nuptial agreement. If he cheats on you again. He looses out financially, and the marriage is over. Tell him its just business and you love him and intend to spend the rest of your life with him.

Good luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

K.K. said:


> He tells me he has no fond memories of the sexual encounters (there were 2). He says he's ashamed of himself and has begged for forgiveness over and over again. I don't know if bringing it up to him is good. I want him to forget her. *By bringing it up, am I just keeping it fresh.*


and yet you are here saying how much it hurts, I don't think bringing it up will do any more harm, in fact the more you bring it up with your husband the more you get to see how much he realizes that he hurt you. I had the same instinct to "stop beating the dead horse" but keeping it bottled was a worse fate if you ask me. Remember this- he was the one who did this- that means if he's willing to R properly that he needs to help you through this and take all of the pain thrown at him and still come back to you. ASK HIM to do this for you, don't be afraid to ask for what you need or want anymore.



K.K. said:


> Ahhhhh. I don't know how to handle it. I told him I never want to eat the restaurants they went to again. Is that stupid? Should I just go in with him and face it? Make him face it as well?


not stupid at all, I donated our couch to the salvation army because they had sex on it and I will never listen to a certain song again if I can help it. We all have "triggers" and unless it's a trigger that you just have to see every day then I suggest just excising it out of your life.



K.K. said:


> I can't help but think about it. I need to find ways to get these thoughts out of my head. I may be imagining it be more of a "romantic encounter" than just a sordid hook up. Does anyone relate?



that is why I said that the imagined sexual encounters are likely worse that what actually happened. The best thing to do is to arrange your own new and exciting encounters, make it romantic, make it dirty, whatever you want- just start bonding with your husband again, make the relationship fun again, do something spontaneous or take a trip or find a new hobby that the both of you like. The more you rekindle your relationship the less this crap becomes important to you.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks Gonefishin. 
He has promised to never do this again. Overall we have a good life together. We have college-aged children and are looking to our future together. I have already made it clear that if I EVER find out he has even considered something like this again, we are finished. He knows our children will walk away from him as well (this is something I have not influenced, they are adults). I agree about the passwords, etc. I told him I wasn't spending my life being supicious. I can't or don't want to live like that.

I really feel like for the first time in years our sex life is on track and that he really loves me. Oddly enough, this has awaken feelings for him I didn't know I had. I'm not going to sit here and say we didn't have problems. WE HAD PROBLEMS! I'm not giving him a pass, we could have worked on them in different ways than this. I'm trying to make some good come out of this. It happened and it can't be changed. Am I foolish to try to move on and try to build something stronger out of it?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

K.K. said:


> Am I foolish to try to move on and try to build something stronger out of it?



nope

in fact in many ways my affair was the impetus for many positive changes, shame it had to be that way


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Almost Recovered

We have started rekindling. Our time together has been amazing and wonderful. It's been very loving and I truly feel like we are "making love" for the first time in years. We had an incredible weekend away to start things again. He pampered me and treated me the way I have longed to be treated for years.( I haven't treated him great in years either). I feel like we are on the right track, I really feel good about it. I just need to heal. I guess I will in time. I was thinking of driving by the hotel they were at together today. I don't think I will. Thanks for the encouragement.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Almost Recovered:

Have you considered becoming a Marriage Counselor? lol. Your insight is great.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think I would lash out at the waywards too much to be an effective counselor but thanks for the compliment


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Good for you KK, great attitude.

So many people bury their problems. When there is a weakness in the marriage attack it. I do not care if it is sex, finances, and on and on.

Attack and solve the problem. Life is all about choices. Sounds like you are making good ones. The fact that you and your husband have a healthy sex life after due to this, just shows how strong your marriage is.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

K.K. said:


> I have another topic on here, "simply can't cope" . I would like some opinions on another area I am struggling with. Long story short....my husband had a brief 10-day sexual and emotional affair with a stranger he met at a restaurant. There a more details in my other thread. It has been just over 2 months since this came to light. I confronted him, I feel like he stopped and we have been working through things since then. He has been nothing but cooperative.
> My issue is....I can't stop obsessing about the details of the affair. I stalk her on facebook, I drive by the places they went together. I even went into the restaurant and looked around to see the atmosphere. He picked her up in the car I usually drive. I couldn't even ride in it for a few weeks. Is this normal behavior? I continually go over his phone records and piece together a time-line of their time together.
> He has answered my questions of their encounter, but doesn't really want to talk about the sexual details. I'm not sure I need to know them anyway. I just can quit obsessing. Someone tell me if this is normal or if I'm seriously losing my mind!



This is totally normal; you are trying to reclaim parts of your life that have been taken from you without your consent. It is very hard to integrate the knowledge that someone you love and trusted is capable of such betrayal. With time this replaying and revisiting will no longer intrude, but obsessing is a normal reactions to betrayal. Make it very clear to your H that he needs to answer your questions and try not to hold information back in the mistaken belief that he is protecting you. If he does this and you find out about things he hasn't told you, it will delay your recovery and make it harder for you to trust him again. I kept tripping over new information, and every time I did it sent me back nearly to square one. My FIL innocently asked my H about that "little Russian girl" over speaker phone. My H had stopped by my FIL's house twice while doing field work for his job with her along. The fact that he had taken this woman to meet my FIL, and not told me about it was infuriating, and did a great deal of damage that could have been prevented.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

KK ...tell her husband bout the affair. For all u know they do NOt have an open marriage and that i s just some line ur husband or she is giving. Expose the affair to the husband without any warning to ur husband or the OW. Follow my link in my signature for furter advice...tho u may hav to click on the first page since mysiggys messed up. I'm on my fone n can't copy n paste.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## why not me (Oct 15, 2011)

KK, You sound exactly like what we went thru and I think it is pretty normal. The first couple months, I was truly obsessed and had to know every detail. I asked the same question over and over and after a while i got all the answers I needed. I know now the Boogey Man exists, the truth was worse than my imagination, but I had to know. It was not healthy at all and I got a lot of info I will never forget. The only positive I hope came from that is it showed to me that my WW was so committed to being honest and giving me whatever I needed to heal. She still asks me If I wish I didn't know the truth now, and all I can say is I needed I know, but wish it wasn't true. Only time will tell if this works, the OM was a good friend of ours, and I know he is not giving his wife details. 

I also obsessed so bad about where they did it that I can't drive by anyplace they had sex without it bothering me real bad. We sold her car, I made her get rid of all her underwear and buy new stuff that only I have seen her in. It has been 4 months and I still can't go to a hotel with her. The bedroom is the only place we can be without it triggering me. 

We have reconnected just like you have and are committed to getting thru this. D-day was in June, and I was foolish enough to think that by fall we would be over it and live happily ever after. All the books and the people here say it takes 2-5 years to get recovered. I now believe that, and those days when I feel like giving up or feel like I must not be getting over this the right way, I just keep that in mind. Both parties MUST be committed to taking this long journey, and it does get a little easier. Keep working on the problems in your marriage that allowed this evil in. Slowly you will stop living in the past and look to the future. I have decided that 2-5 years is worth it to save our 15 year marriage. Good luck!


Affairs suck!


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, 
I too in the beginning wanted to know the details and was a bit obsessive, I think you are trying to make sense out of something you can't because you didn't make the choice, it has left you with a lot of questions about him, about you, about your relationship.

How does it help you to do what you are doing, does it change anything.......I think if the OP is out of your husband's life and he has the correct boundaries in place now, this is a good place to start and rebuild a better marriage, where both of you are happy and fulfilled.
It is amazing how you can reconnect again and fall in love all over again.........
I guess you have to look at like all marriages have some problems to deal with it just depends on how you get past them.......
My therapist used to say to me try UNTIL and if that UNTIL never happened if the relationship was good I would be fine........
He also said when YOU YOURSELF decide to forgive and rebuild that decision is for you, and don't you do everything for yourself in the best way possible, with most effort you can have, the end results in your happiness by choice even...........
the choice was for YOU.............
I know it's tough, a freind of mine told me it only takes 90 seconds to change a negative thought when you find yourself obsessing, think of something else for 90 seconds, read something for 90 seconds, get up change what you are doing for 90 seconds, retrain your brain..........try it helps me...........
if you waste your time on obsessing you will miss today and all that is good about that day, enjoy your new relationship and be grateful for the opportunity to have it.........
mistakes, we all make them.......it's how we deal with them that counts.........


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

Thanks, Why Not Me, I feel better knowing someone feels the same way as I do. I'm so sorry you went through this as well. It helps to know we are alone. I do feel my husband is committed and that's all that's getting me through this. Fortunately, I don't know this women. That is a blessing. I don't know if I could take it if I did. 
My husband has done everything I asked. I don't think I could ask for better cooperation. We are trying so hard to make this work. I have decided I just won't give up.
It's strange that this has awakened feelings I didn't realize I have for him. I feel more in love with him than I have in years. Don't get me wrong, I'm so hurt, there are days that I don't think I'll make it.


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## JustFriends (Nov 1, 2011)

I am so glad that I read these..I'm here where you both have been the onlydifference is he's still swearing he didn't kiss her or have sex. We have been married 24 years girls are adults and upset he hasnt told toldme the truth...we were seperated briefly I thought it would give him the opportunity..to realize his part in our marriage and that I was emotionally exhausted..I had given all I had...a brief acquaintance of ours showed up while he was mowing our lawn ...he told her he didn't live here anymore and we were getting a divorce..in front of our daughter she blurts out "can I have your #....it lasted 18 days..very ugly once I pulled voice and text over and sorted...Just Friends...he says..gets angey when mentioned..wants me to let it go..caught in lies..you know you don't forget truth..wetoo are/have made awsome changes..its our time..I need help...we can't move forward...secrets keep you from it..I would appre iate any in put....thanks


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## JustFriends (Nov 1, 2011)

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