# Wow does divorce life suck



## Movingon_

We were high school sweet hearts. Together for 22 years. Married for 15. Both graduated college, waited another 2 years to get married. Dated for 7 years. Waited 4 years after marriage to have children so we could really get to enjoy eachother and travel a littel before kids came along. She was a stay at home wife/mom up until about 3 years ago. She re entered the work force and fell in love with a MARRIED co-worker. Now I'm not playing the innocent victim here. Have never played that card. I was not the perfect husband. I got way too comfortable and kind of went into coast mode. We were together for so long, I just thought that that was the level we should be at. But with that said, I was a good husband. Never abused, drank or gambled. Just not enough I love you's, not being there as much as I should have emmotionally. ( her words, not mine ). So my question is, these are somewhat minor issues that if she would have came to me and talked we could have for sure worked this out. There was never a third person involved on my end. So its not like my heart or mind was on someone else. Instead of talking with me about this, what does she do??? She brings this D-bag to my home and introduces him as a friend. I drank tea with him on several occasions at my table until late at night. I was not threatend by this dude. He is kind of geeky, a high school drop out and does not make all that much money. Now nothing wrong with that, Lord knows I could lose my job today and make no money. I get that. So after a while i started getting a hunch about these two. I went on about a weeks search for my wifes cell phone but I could never find it. I realized that I had not seen her cell or heard it ring for weeks. While she would be in the shower I would look for her cell. Tore her underwear drawer apart, went through her car, her coat but could never find it. I finally did find it one night about 2 in the morn. Openned up her text msges and hit the kitchen floor on my knees and cried like a baby. 22 years, a great little family, two sweet kids whos life is changed forever. How can spouses do such a thing? What goes through thier minds when they are cheating? What do they tell people how they met? How do they look back on how they met? Here is how I see it - " Remember when we were both married to other people and we started cheating? Yeah sweet heart I do. Remember when we had to hide your car at the school so you could spend the night so your wife would not find out? Yeah cupcake, remember the look on our spouses faces when and the tears in our childrens eyes when we told them our family was no more? Wow, yes I do. Those were good times" I mean really, what do they have to build on? The trust cannot be there from day one. Oh how I hate her for she has done to our kids. We have been divorced for about a year and my heart still breaks for my kids.


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## Deejo

Wish I could tell you that your story, experiences and pain are unique. Unfortunately, they aren't. That however makes them no less tragic.

Odds are they won't make it. Very few affairs transition into healthy, loving relationships. Challenging to do that when your foundation is built on lies. But ... it is also unlikely that either of them will ever have the kind of introspection about their relationship that you alluded to. 

That said ... how your kids do will have a great deal to do with how YOU choose to deal with this.

The more stable and steadfast you are able to be ... the better served your children will be, regardless of whatever the hell your ex is doing.

Take care of yourself.


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## 2galsmom

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## Freak On a Leash

No, being stuck in a bad marriage sucks. Getting divorced and being free of it is great. 

Problem is, you are still in "marriage" mode. You might be physically separated/divorced but you aren't there emotionally and mentally. That's the hard part and that takes time. 

You'll get there but it involves moving on and letting things go. Not forgiving or forgetting exactly but not letting it rule your life and be in your head all the time. Give it time. It WILL happen.

Concentrate on being a good father to those two kids. That will help a lot. They need you more than ever, especially since their mother wasn't giving a damn about them when she decided to break her marital vows.


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## Movingon_

@ Deejo - Thanks for the kind words. You know, when I think about it. it really does not matter if they make it or not. I am actually past the point of caring. That thought ate me a live for 6+ months. I had to finally let that go. Still just kills me that our family has just vanished in thin air. Love is a choice and and elbow grease. Why could she have just not come and talk to me about her getting feelings for someone else????

@ gals mom... I do my best to keep my kids the focus. But I am not whole right now and they can sense it. I have them this weekend and I picked them up from the ex mom-in-law, they had thier suit cases with them. Those [email protected] suit cases. I hate it. Hate that my kids are now bouncing back and forth between houses. NEVER wanted that for them and I think I would have stuck through ANY kind of marriage for thier sake. I do not bad mouth the ex in front of them.... much. But I do let them know what a scum the OM is. After I talked to his wife to expose the A, his reaction was to have porn sent to my work and home under my name. A real class act. I do not want my kids to welcome him into thier lives with open arms. So I do let them know what POS he is.

@ F on a leash. I hope time changes alot. But when I think about it, no matter if I find the most wonderful woman on earth, it still will never be the same as a whole family. The thought of a whole family around the holliday dinner table. Our kids, thier kids and a mom and dad. That will never happen for me or most of us on TAM for that matter. I an a huge family man and that is all I ever wanted. Now that is gone forever. How are we supposed to cope with that?


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> @ F on a leash. I hope time changes alot. But when I think about it, no matter if I find the most wonderful woman on earth, it still will never be the same as a whole family. The thought of a whole family around the holliday dinner table. Our kids, thier kids and a mom and dad. That will never happen for me or most of us on TAM for that matter. I an a huge family man and that is all I ever wanted. Now that is gone forever. How are we supposed to cope with that?


You have to cope with it for your kids. Having a family isn't about being like the Brady Bunch or the Waltons. It isn't necessarily the picture perfect family of Dad, Mom, the 2 kids and the family dog. You can have a great family if there's love and support and good times. 

It can be a father with two kids, a mother and a single child, grandparents raising their grandkids, blended families, etc..It doesn't really matter in the end what the configuration is, as long as it works well.

I've had far better holidays with my kids when their father wasn't with us. Why? Because it's stress free and fun. Don't fixate on what things SHOULD be but enjoy what you have and make the best of it. 

Plus, holidays take up a very small fraction of your life. It's the day to day living that matters the most, not the 5 days a year that you would consider a "holiday". It seems that "holidays" cause more problems than anything else. 

How many couples were miserable this past Thursday, February 14th because it didn't live up to their expectations and preconceived notions of what that holiday should be? Look through the various posts on this forum about V-day and you'll see that more people were angry, disappointed and saddened by this day then made happy by it. In the end I'll be willing to bet that most people would probably all be better off with less "holidays." 

You can't bring back the past, you can only forge ahead and make for a better future. Destroying the present isn't going to to help any.


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## Nsweet

Sounds like you were traded downgrated
The Next Guy: Did your Ex-Girlfriend or Ex-Wife Downgrade? | Shrink4Men

I'll save you trouble of finding this out in therapy and just tell it like it is. She wanted to escape from her responsibilities and so she found a man that would ENABLE her. How do I know? Because the same thing happened to me. Yeah, I was a sailor who sacrificed it all for her and she left me for some emo D-bag who smokes pot and cigarettes, drinks too much, never completed school or citizenship, and will never hold a job for long and never be a good man to her or anyone. 

You and I were replaced with a loser in a role of the "perfect relationship" that cannot be healthy. This man will hear how wonderful he is at first, but sooner or later she's going to find fault in him and tell him he's a creep and a jerk and responsible for her misery - which she has had since childhood from the sounds of it. This is why you always see that pretty woman who has it together with the loser she thinks needs her help. He's in need or rescuing, but anyone who helps only falls in the hole with him. 

But divorce doesn't get worse, it's gets better. 

You may have to lose some money, and shed a tear or two for your children, but there will be a time when you wake up and find all this money in your wallet and don't miss being in no win situations with someone who cheats on you and betrays her kids as well. She may have been worth fighting for years ago, but judge her not on the past only on who she is now.... And buddy, that woman you thought you knew doesn't deserve anything but the boundaries you can give her and the darkness that comes with it.


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## 3Xnocharm

Wow, that was painful to read. I am so sorry that she did that to you. 

Ok, its time for you to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and let go of your DIVORCE. I know what its like to lose that picture of your perfect family, it hurts like fvck. BUT...you have got to stop dwelling on it for your kids' sakes! You must have a positive attitude about things, your kids will only do as well as you make things. My daughter's dad and I divorced back in 2000, and to this day, he will STILL whine about being a part time dad, and crap like that. He even went through another divorce after ours, and will still dwell on ours! I find it extremely pathetic, and it does nothing for our daughter, who is 16 years old now. She doesnt even want to stay with him any more because its miserable, and has been for years. DONT BE THAT DAD. You have got to put a positive spin on things, and learn to let the divorce go.


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## Movingon_

Thanks for the advice. This is a really great site. I know what everyone said above is true. But I guess I am just in pitty party mode... My parents have been married for 60+ years. They had nine of us kids and they still hold habds to this day. I wanted that soooo bad. Maybe not the nine kids part, but the 60 years. My ex knows my family history, relatives that are no longer with us today. Any woman I meet now will have no idea of most of my family history, will never know my grand parents, ants and uncles that have passed. I really have been doing well the past 5 months, just recently fell into this fog and have been having a pretty rough couple of days. I know it will pass, just sucks now. Poor me....... I hate this feeling.


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## Freak On a Leash

Nsweet said:


> But divorce doesn't get worse, it's gets better.
> 
> You may have to lose some money, and shed a tear or two for your children, but there will be a time when you wake up and find all this money in your wallet and don't miss being in no win situations with someone who cheats on you and betrays her kids as well. She may have been worth fighting for years ago, but judge her not on the past only on who she is now.... And buddy, that woman you thought you knew doesn't deserve anything but the boundaries you can give her and the darkness that comes with it.


:iagree: :iagree: Wow..that's one of the best written posts I've ever seen! Awesome! :smthumbup:

And so true...


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## Movingon_

Agree, great post and very true. The thing is, she wanted out so bad and so fast she did not even hire a lawyer. We have 50/50 custody so I pay no child support, kept my 401K, kept all the four wheelers, camper, trailers, tools and what not. She told me in Oct '11 she wanted a divorce and the divorce was final Jan '12. What makes it really hard on me is she has so much regret. She has told me often that she made a mistake and wishes now we would have seperated to think about it. She really is a good person. She wanted the family life as much if not more than I. Last summer she sked me to go on vacation with her and the kids. At first I said yes but changed my mind the day before. She called to ask me what time I was picking her and the kids up the next day, I told her I changed my mind. She went silent and hung up the phone. She called me me a few days later and said she cried for 3 hours straight because I was not going. She said she really looked forward to spending time with me and being a family again if only for the week. Last July on a Sunday night I had the kids. We were all sleeping in the living room. About 2 in the morn, who I that was my daughter woke me up and asked if she could sleep with me. I said yes, get in and don't wake your brother. Turns out it was the ex! She laid next to me crying saying over and over again how she was not good and she did not know if she was going to make. To this day, when we do kid pickup/drop off, she will put the kids in her car and get in my truck and cry saying how much she misses me and how unhappy she is. I used to get sucked into this and get my hopes up for R. She at one time a few months ago asked me what it would take to get us back together. I said it would be tough but we can start to talk about it. Only to see her go cold again and it never went much farther. She has done this to me at least 3 or 4 times. I don't bite on it anymore. I just tell her that we will both be fine. I need to stick with boundries. I have told her in the past that I do not want her in my house. She will stick to it for a few days, but than she is right back to coming in without even knocking. I try to be tough on this but damn its so hard. We were together so long its tough to think of us used to be. What is going through her head? She is so unhappy yet she has not taken any steps to change ANYTHING. I think if I were I would say hey, I have made an appointment to MC. Would you like to go? I am going with or without you. But she has not done this. All idel talk and crying. I don't get it.


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## Freak On a Leash

So whatever happened to the other man? :scratchhead: Sounds like "Plan B" didn't work out so now she wants back to "Plan A?" Why was she so eager to blow away her marriage, her family, etc, etc, in the first place? I think the fact that you were high school sweethearts and got married young may have had something to do with it. That's often a recipe for disaster because often one or both start wondering 20 years later what they missed out on. That's what a "midlife crisis" often is. Some, like myself, buy red convertibles and spend lots of money, others have affairs. I think the sports car is the better choice.  

My sister was like that. She married her first boyfriend and never went out with or knew anyone else. She had 3 kids and one day she asked what it was like to sleep with someone else. So how to you rectify that? I haven't talked to her in over 10 years so I don't know if she ever tried to answer that question. 

That said, I'm always amazed at these people who just go off and have affairs like it's nothing. I've done some bad things in my marriage but at least my conscience is clear on that one. That was always the line I never could walk across. Not just for my husband, but for my kids and my own self respect. Breaking marital vows isn't like going on a diet, eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream and saying "Oops, I'll go back on the diet on Monday". It's serious business. 

It sounds like you don't trust her and are seeking to keep separate from her. Good idea! If you ever did seek to reconcile I wouldn't do it without MC and a good long separation. I was separated from my STBXH for over 2 years and for a lot of that we did indeed act like a married couple. We did the family vacations, had a sex life, spent time together. But even when he asked to me to live with him again I refused. Mostly because I LIKE living alone. That saved me. Moving back in with him would've been a horrible idea.

In the end I was the one who filed for divorce and I'm content and happy with that decision. But I wouldn't have felt that way had I filed right after separating. A lot of people urged me to do just that but I knew I wasn't mentally ready. I knew I would've been a mental and emotional basket case if I divorced right away. I needed those 2 years to sort things out in my head and heart. Had I done it then I would been miserable and conflicted and consumed by the past instead of moving forward. 

Now I can deal with the divorce and my STBXH in a logical and clearheaded fashion. This is good because he's definitely thrown some emotional bombs at me in the past 3 months that had I been less grounded emotionally I might've reacted to in a bad way. I think the main reason we are cordial and able to coparent my son now is because I was able to keep the lid on my emotions and think out things rationally. Had I been in a vengeful and angry state it never would've happened. 

Divorce is a tough situation. You have to be somewhat impersonal and business like. It's an unemotional, legal act that requires clear thinking. If you do it too soon you wind up like your wife. It shouldn't be a rash or vengeful act. It needs to be well thought out and impersonal. So I'm glad I had those 2+ years to sort it out. When I made the decision to divorce, I knew I'd given it the time and thought process that was needed. 

When I said I was going to do it I wasn't angry. It was a matter of fact statement. I think it took my H totally off guard at first but even he admitted it was something that wasn't totally unexpected. 

I think you are handling this situation VERY well. You admit to missing the life you had, that you still love your wife and part of you still wants her but you realize that what you want and what you can have are two different situations. Your ex is doing a good job of assuming that you are a fool but you obviously aren't. You have a lot more respect for yourself than that. :smthumbup:

I personally could never fully trust a spouse who cheated on me and I certainly wouldn't be handing out second chances without a lengthy separation, counseling and getting to the nuts and bolts as to WHY your wife cheated on you. If she did it once what's to say she won't do it again? I would want to be emotionally separated before I'd even consider putting things back together again. If you are emotionally detached then you might find that you are inclined to just keep things the way they are. 

Of course my situation is a bit different. I'm was married to an abusive alcoholic and I never missed living with him. Our family life wasn't all that great when we were married and IMO it's a lot better now. In a way my decision was very easy and straightforward compared to others who assumed that they were in a happy marriage and woke up to find that their spouse chose to be with someone else. That's gotta hurt.


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## Married in VA

I completely agree with freak on a leash's comments above.

My STBXW and I are very close, very friendly but she knows that after what she has done that there is zero chance of reconciliation. I was at where you were at before when I found out about her cheating. 

Finally I got my head clear and have been separated almost a year which is the required time to wait in my state to file. Our D will be pretty easy and businesslike because we get along pretty well.

Now that I am emotionally detached, I have NO DESIRE to get entangled in that mess again. I need to work on me and am really enjoying being single and a single dad. My girls and I enjoy stress free time together as I am their primary parent. Yes, we do include mom in SOME of our activities so that the girls can see that mom and dad get along and love them first.


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## Nsweet

I have some recommended books for you Movingon. First on my list is "Stop Walking On Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason and MS NDI Randi Kreger. This is all about borderline relationships good and bad and how to take back your life when the one you're with makes you feel worthless and miserable. Even if your wife isn't BPD a lot of the rules for dealing with her right now still do apply. 

Second on my list is Women's Infidelities 1 and 2. This book will piss you off with how the woman in #2 rationalizes everything away and the author/shrink takes her side. That's the only bad part, the best thing about this book is it helps you get into her head and understand how her reasoning works - Childish to say the least. 

I can explain a few things here is you have any questions, but above all you need to remain calm and take this on stategically. Or else you lose you temper, she cries bloody murder in court and gets her kids to go along, and you're screwed. So do your homework now and you might be able to pacify her so she doesn't attack your wallet and your visitation rights because she is upset. 

Even if you wanted her back you need to stay with your boundaries right now and act like you're moving on. Trust me on this I've see couples reconcile who had kids and were all above 35, and even if the betrayed was desperate to win their SOs heart back they had to abandon them for a period of time first and let the wayward experience life on their own. 

And FYI, if this was her first affair it's not going to be her last. The first one is always to test out single life, the "Tester". She's not going to come back just yet until she hits rock bottom and her kids don't want to be around her.


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## Freak On a Leash

Married in VA said:


> Finally I got my head clear and have been separated almost a year which is the required time to wait in my state to file. Our D will be pretty easy and businesslike because we get along pretty well.
> 
> Now that I am emotionally detached, I have NO DESIRE to get entangled in that mess again. I need to work on me and am really enjoying being single and a single dad. My girls and I enjoy stress free time together as I am their primary parent. Yes, we do include mom in SOME of our activities so that the girls can see that mom and dad get along and love them first.


You pretty much described my situation. My STBXH and I get along well enough now, assuming he stays sober. Presently, he seems to be making an effort to do so but then again, he has before too. At least he's going to AA now. That will make it easier to deal with the divorce proceedings and raising our son together. 

But to be with him for any real period of time? I have no problem spending small amounts of time with him and my son but my daughter can barely stand to be in the same room as him so situations such as holidays and vacations will probably be separate, especially since he's ruined so many family events over the past few years.


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## Nsweet

I wrote this article last night for someone else, but I think it applies to you better.

Are you a sleepwalker? Some drift along for years not feeling passionate about anything. There's no pain, no anger, no special flare that makes them unique. And one by one they shut off their emotions until all that's left is a joyless assigned role of worker or parent. Why else do you think cheaters say they've never felt so alive in the arms of their lover? It's because they've been so withdrawn from themselves that they link every feeling of being worthwhile to the other person. 

If you've been married for decades never having known other options before you committed, it's very possible you've been suppressed by your spouse for which she resented you for it. She had to have you and no one else but you in the beginning, and now that she has you completely and unconditionally she doesn't want any part of you. This is where "Nice Guys" fail every time because they reward their partners with unconditional love and affection when they clearly overstep their boundaries. 
BTW, I freakin hate that term "Nice Guy" - A nice guy is good man, the way it's expressed most often describes a desperate manipulated subject who seeks approval. 

That is why the first step in either reconciliation or recovery is to divorce yourself from your wife and stop giving her reassurance that you might take her back if she behaves. You do this best by ignoring her as much as you can for 8-12 weeks so she can feel what it's like to be abandoned due to her own actions. She's got to feel like she blew it this time and you're not coming back. This is your first boundary on your new list. 

In that time I urge you to find a hobby you can be passionate about on your own. It has to be something you enjoyed before you were married that you would still enjoy now. Don't pick up bird watching or stamp collecting if you know you will never be able to do it for the rest of your life. And it has to be something you can feel proud of, your wife can't be a part of, and something that doesn't focus on anyone but you. Say for instance you picked up a musical instrument again but practiced alone when your kids were asleep. Well your wife couldn't take that pleasure from you when she's got the kids like she could if you made your hobby a family event. 

Pour your heart into this hobby and every emotion you've been repressing until you feel that..... I like to call it the "f*ck it" feeling, because you reach a point where you say "f*ck it. I don't need to worry over this anyways". I should also mention you want this hobby to be something you can feel proud to show off to a potential date. I don't consider masturbation or playing videogames and creative skill though they are kind of one in the same. You'll be using this in the future when you start to date without doing it to have sex or when you see your wife again over one of those just friends dinners. I know, I know, it's weird but exes always seem to want to do romantic-like things together when you can't stand them any longer. 

Just a suggestion while were on the subject about hobbies. Before you consider anything new I want you to ponder these three questions. 
Is this something I love?
Is this something I'm really good at?
Is this something that will help others? 
You can't keep a hobby you don't love, you can't keep a hobby you know you're terrible at, and you can't fully enjoy your hobby if other's can share the experience with you. Fo instance let's say you picked up fine dinning but you were the only one to ever eat your creations..... Don't you think other people might like a taste too? 

One last tip! 

I don't care how in shape you think you are. Unless you're a gymnast or a free runner you need to workout daily and strengthen your cardiovascular system. Divorce can be absolutely heart breaking and that amount of pain has been DOCUMENTED to cause heart attacks. So get it together or risk dying before your time. 

Tears are the medicine that keep the soul alive.


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## 3Xnocharm

Movingon_ said:


> Agree, great post and very true. The thing is, she wanted out so bad and so fast she did not even hire a lawyer. We have 50/50 custody so I pay no child support, kept my 401K, kept all the four wheelers, camper, trailers, tools and what not. She told me in Oct '11 she wanted a divorce and the divorce was final Jan '12. What makes it really hard on me is she has so much regret. She has told me often that she made a mistake and wishes now we would have seperated to think about it. She really is a good person. She wanted the family life as much if not more than I. Last summer she sked me to go on vacation with her and the kids. At first I said yes but changed my mind the day before. She called to ask me what time I was picking her and the kids up the next day, I told her I changed my mind. She went silent and hung up the phone. She called me me a few days later and said she cried for 3 hours straight because I was not going. She said she really looked forward to spending time with me and being a family again if only for the week. Last July on a Sunday night I had the kids. We were all sleeping in the living room. About 2 in the morn, who I that was my daughter woke me up and asked if she could sleep with me. I said yes, get in and don't wake your brother. Turns out it was the ex! She laid next to me crying saying over and over again how she was not good and she did not know if she was going to make. To this day, when we do kid pickup/drop off, she will put the kids in her car and get in my truck and cry saying how much she misses me and how unhappy she is. I used to get sucked into this and get my hopes up for R. She at one time a few months ago asked me what it would take to get us back together. I said it would be tough but we can start to talk about it. Only to see her go cold again and it never went much farther. She has done this to me at least 3 or 4 times. I don't bite on it anymore. I just tell her that we will both be fine. I need to stick with boundries. I have told her in the past that I do not want her in my house. She will stick to it for a few days, but than she is right back to coming in without even knocking. I try to be tough on this but damn its so hard. We were together so long its tough to think of us used to be. What is going through her head? She is so unhappy yet she has not taken any steps to change ANYTHING. I think if I were I would say hey, I have made an appointment to MC. Would you like to go? I am going with or without you. But she has not done this. All idel talk and crying. I don't get it.


I am so sorry she is putting you through this. You are being very strong, keep it up! :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash

Nsweet said:


> In that time I urge you to find a hobby you can be passionate about on your own. It has to be something you enjoyed before you were married that you would still enjoy now..


:iagree: :smthumbup: Hobbies are awesome! My hobbies are what kept me going through years of a bad, lonely marriage as well as now. With the exception of kayaking, which I got my husband into, I did everything on my own. He wasn't interested in doing much with me. I've done everything from racing and showing cars, road trips, 4 wheeling, hiking, skiing, camping...

So basically nowadays I'm just continuing to do what I've always do but at least now it's hassle and guilt free. 

Hobbies give you a way to keep yourself busy, be passionate about something in a constructive way and meet new people.


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## 2galsmom

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## Nsweet

You know after my wife left I started working out like I used to, without her whinning about being helpless on her own or complaining about something or another. I lost a pound a week for 6 months straight before the mediation and looked fantastic. I can't tell you how many books I read and video games I played, but until I got rid of her I thought I was going crazy and couldn't think straight for very long. A bad relationship will do that to ya!


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## EnjoliWoman

Do not engage. Lock your truck doors - she has no business getting in. It is NOT GOOD for the kids to see her do this! It has to be tormenting to them. Even if they can't see her directly, she comes back to her car obviously teary. 

Change the locks on the house. It is no longer her house - she made that clear and she has another dwelling. She can not let herself in.

Arrange to meet at a neutral location, not at your (*YOUR!*) house.

What s he is doing is not fair or nice to you. She needs to sort herself out (and should have already before doing this to you).

She is having a pity party because she is struggling and she misses what she had - do not mistake that for missing YOU. (Harsh, I know - sorry.) Let her actions speak - she did not want to go to counseling. Her words are empty, her actions are loud.

It will get better, I promise.


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## Movingon_

Thanks everyone. This site means alot to me. It's just tough knowing that the family as I once knew it is gone forever and to to never be the same. That is a hard pill to swollow. I have done what every one recomends. I got it shape, I am dating ( the funny thing is I was so worried about being alone but it has not been diffucult meeting women ) stay busy, went to IC but nothing really works. No matter what I am doing I have her, the kids and what used to be in the back of my head. No matter if I am out on a date or out with the guys, it's alaways back to a quiet lonely house where the thoughts of what are her and the kids doing. It still pains me when people tell me " just think of all the free time you have now and not having to answer to anyone". To me that is loke telling someone that just lost both legs in an accident " think about all the money you will save on shoes and the time saved by not having to tie them". I did not want free time and no one to answer to. I wanted my family full time and all the fun, challenges and rewards that come with it. DAMN, I don't know. This just sucks. Not just for me, but everyone on this site that is going through the same thing. I love my kids and just wished this never happened to us. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs " LIFE'S NOT FAIR". I want a do over!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear/read people say that after a while they are fine after divorce. I question that. What else are divorced people supposed to say? How can anyone be fine that hopes, dreams and children were crushed??? My kids lives will never be the same again. They did not want a step mom/dad, its not fair to them. I cannot get over my hate for her for what she has done our kids. I need to get over that but a year into divorce, not much progress on that front.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I hear/read people say that after a while they are fine after divorce. I question that. What else are divorced people supposed to say? How can anyone be fine that hopes, dreams and children were crushed??? My kids lives will never be the same again. They did not want a step mom/dad, its not fair to them. I cannot get over my hate for her for what she has done our kids. I need to get over that but a year into divorce, not much progress on that front.


I'm going to give it to you straight, and you need to hear it. NOW, you have an opportunity. I can guarantee you being with your ex impacted you negatively as a father, a husband, and as a man. Now, you can live how you want, become the man you were created to be, and your kids will love you for it. Yeah, you mourn what you THOUGHT were your hopes and dreams......come to find out, this may be the very best thing that has ever happened to you. I know mine is.....and as people on here can attest.......I fought my butt off for my marriage. I was devastated.....for a very long time.

Your hate for her???? Why would you possibly give her that power over you? You are only doing one thing....HURTING YOURSELF. I said, screw it. I turned the tables and became exactly who I want to be, and I'm not even close to done yet. But, the reward is the absolute admiration of your children. They LOVE their "new" dad, and the are really worried about their "new" mom. Your success and happiness says more than anything to anyone around the situation...that you are strong and you have honor. Kids choose to live like people who have honor when they can see the different paths. 

Unforgiveness is a seed that will destroy you at the core. Forgive her, for you. Because you care about yourself.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> It's just tough knowing that the family as I once knew it is gone forever and to to never be the same. That is a hard pill to swollow. I have done what every one recomends. I got it shape, I am dating ( the funny thing is I was so worried about being alone but it has not been diffucult meeting women ) stay busy, went to IC but nothing really works. No matter what I am doing I have her, the kids and what used to be in the back of my head. No matter if I am out on a date or out with the guys, it's alaways back to a quiet lonely house where the thoughts of what are her and the kids doing. It still pains me when people tell me " just think of all the free time you have now and not having to answer to anyone". To me that is loke telling someone that just lost both legs in an accident " think about all the money you will save on shoes and the time saved by not having to tie them". I did not want free time and no one to answer to. I wanted my family full time and all the fun, challenges and rewards that come with it. DAMN, I don't know. This just sucks. Not just for me, but everyone on this site that is going through the same thing. I love my kids and just wished this never happened to us. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs " LIFE'S NOT FAIR". I want a do over!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hear/read people say that after a while they are fine after divorce. I question that. What else are divorced people supposed to say? How can anyone be fine that hopes, dreams and children were crushed??? My kids lives will never be the same again. They did not want a step mom/dad, its not fair to them. I cannot get over my hate for her for what she has done our kids. I need to get over that but a year into divorce, not much progress on that front.


 :slap: Holy crap! You must make for some great dinner conversation on a date! Are you really dating? You might want to hold off on that for awhile...

Life sucks in that (to quote a Rolling Stones song) you can't always get what you want. Everyone had dreams that weren't realized. The point is to _keep dreaming_. When your dream becomes a nightmare then it's time to wake up! 

Your ex is not the woman you believed she was. She turned out to be a bad person but that must makes her a human being. You seem to be in love with a concept of what life SHOULD be..but now you have to deal with what IS. 

To get back to your anology about someone who lost his legs in an accident: Yes, life isn't fair but you can either shut yourself up on a room and cry about it or get prosthetics and physical therapy and learn to walk again. I recently saw a program about a guy who lost both arms and legs over in Afghanistan and he's dancing and running again. I'm sure for every one of him there's another who is sitting in a darkened room screaming about how life isn't fair. 

So which one do you want to be? After a year of being divorced, don't you think it's time to stop yelling and crying and start walking again? If not for yourself, then how about for your kids? 

Those who do walk again are the ones who say and believe that they are fine after a divorce. Time to end the pity party and start partying for real.


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## Movingon_

F on a leash, you are one tuff SOB! But I love it. You're 1000% correct. I was REALLY doing fine for a good 5 to 6 months, but in the last couple of weeks, I feel into a funk. I know it will pass I'm just feeling sorry for myself at the time. I'm Just being patient with myself and allowing this to continue for a short time. I'll snap out of it. I know that I am not ready to date serouis yet and I'm not. This gal that I am running with knows my situation and she seems cool with it for now. Its nice to hear her say that I am a great catch, handsome, funny, charming and a true gentleman. She wonders what I did so wrong that would cause my ex to stray. This really helps to build confidence. I am straight up with her on where I am at and am not leading her on. But at the samr time I don't want her getting too attached and end up hurting her. I am not into that game. She has helped so much in finding C for my kids, they have not met yet, I keep the kids out of my dating life.

But back to you.... Not being mean I'm just going to ask this..... You say that you are enjoying life, you're happy and doing well. ( at least your advice to me seems to say that ) Yet you are still on this site. Maybe to help others or maybe to help yourself, not sure. Point is, I think alot of people on this site that claim to be doing well are still on here for a reason. If I was doing well, I would have not found this site, I would have had no reason to. But I'm glad people like you are on here. Pitty party people like me need the kick in the aZZ to get up and get moving. Hope you have a great a great day and keep up the aZZ kicking!


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## Dedicated2Her

> I know that I am not ready to date serouis yet and I'm not. This gal that I am running with knows my situation and she seems cool with it for now. Its nice to hear her say that I am a great catch, handsome, funny, charming and a true gentleman. She wonders what I did so wrong that would cause my ex to stray. This really helps to build confidence. I am straight up with her on where I am at and am not leading her on. But at the samr time I don't want her getting too attached and end up hurting her.


You say you don't want her getting too attached......well, too bad......she is. Good luck with that. I did the same thing, and hurt a very good girl.

And people are still here because when they were going through stuff, people were hear to help them. Just paying it forward. It's what makes the site what it is.


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## Shooboomafoo

I come on here, a year and a half after divorcing, to vent about ongoing instances that hurt, in hopes that someone else may better construct their divorce agreements or perhaps jog something in their thought processes to consider during creating one. 
Lately, for me it is seeing the POSOM living in my marital home, and usurping the role of a figurehead, when he should be living in a pine box. 
I dont plan on forgetting what the ex did to my daughter and I. But I always look at the alternative which is another 20 years with her as my wife and the empty shell of a man I would have been. Luckily, my kid knows how to play along to keep the peace, and shes not hurting or upset about any of it. 

Its been hard to see the ex move on so quickly as if the plan merely hinged on getting me out of the way so it could come to fruition. For someone bent on honesty and integrity in a marriage, she sure had her bag of "old flames" available, some of whom I had never heard mentioned in the seventeen years with the ex, only to find they had both dated her prior to my meeting her. She never mentioned their names during our marriage, but certainly had them ready to put into place.

"F" her. Forgiveness is between her and God, and I just assumed never see her again. I dont waste any effort on worrying about what shes doing, as I know none of it will be sane. 
I am not going to be holding the rope. 

I dont know what Ive really been doing this past year and a half. Just kind of letting the smoke clear, and figuring out who/what I am and want to do, now that the future is changed. I a mnto in any hurry, and have unfortunately not been very proactive towards dating anyone. I have a few friends, and thats good enough for now. Spending time I have with the kid is fine for now. 

There "is" however something building within me that is really nagging me to get out there and do something more. Some of it takes money, so that is restricting, but in that, I am also getting out of debt, so its positive.

I feel a lot like you wrote. And being a year or so past the divorce date, yet still healing somewhat is alright by me.


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## angelpixie

Movingon_ said:


> But back to you.... Not being mean I'm just going to ask this..... You say that you are enjoying life, you're happy and doing well. ( at least your advice to me seems to say that ) Yet you are still on this site. Maybe to help others or maybe to help yourself, not sure. *Point is, I think alot of people on this site that claim to be doing well are still on here for a reason. If I was doing well, I would have not found this site, I would have had no reason to. *But I'm glad people like you are on here. Pitty party people like me need the kick in the aZZ to get up and get moving. Hope you have a great a great day and keep up the aZZ kicking!


MO, I too found this site when I was going through a lot of confusion and pain during the time leading up to my divorce. But I found much, much more than good advice and sympathetic ears (or eyes, as it were). I found a lot of people who shared my sense of humor and made me laugh harder than I had in years with my ex, people that have become friends, who I care about. I've also been trying to share what I've learned, good and bad, through this journey. That's why I've stayed. I've also used TAM as a sort of online journal. I've been public with my story in case it helps anyone else to see that they're not alone, and we all go through a lot of the same crap. 

So, while the name of the forum is Talk About Marriage, and I'm no longer married, I've still found reasons to stay here, and that's mainly to do with the people I've met. From what others have told me, it's the same with them.


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## EnjoliWoman

Movingon - 

by the way - you say the kids hopes and dreams were crushed. Sure they would rather a happy mom and dad be together. But that was the only dream crushed. Don't let this define their lives or your life. This did not crush ALL of their dreams - not even close! 

Yes, it makes life events such as graduations, marriages, grandchildren, etc. be a bit more awkward but that is really up to you and the ex.


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## Movingon_

I agree with all above. I will be on this site for probably the rest of my life. It is some what strange what divorce will do to a person. I spent 22 years with the same woman. Never "knew" another woman in the Biblical sense. But when I am out and about and come across people, total strangers , men or women, the FIRST thing I do is glance at thier left hand looking for a wedding band. I have no idea why I do this. It's kind of like a Fight Club kind of thing. I guess I just want to know if they are one of us. I never gave this a milisecond thought before my D. I am also so much more aware of single dads with thier kids to see how they interact. Maybe seeing if I can learn anything. Of all the hell that D brings, it affects EVERY aspect of your life. I have been divorced for over a year now and I still cannot for the life of me recall any specific memory of how it felt to come home to the entire family, dinner on the table and the feeling of all the house/kid chores that had to be done by bedtime. What gives with that? Its like my mind is trying to keep me safe from those memories. 

On a side note - just a random thought.... The ex and I got into on the phone the other day. She was crying to me as usual of how unhappy she was and that I, yes I ruined her life. ( and she is the one who cheated ) She said that no matter what relationship her and I get into in the future it just will not be the same. I said, it will never be the same as long as you keep going after married men. She didn't like that so much but it was a quick conversation ender. She hung up on me and I have not heard from her in a few days. 

Another story - the first weekend of our D life, my daughter was in a spelling bee ( she took third by the way out of 3 grades! ) Anyway my ex was out of town and text me asking what word she got out on. I said "Adultery. she spelled it M.O.M.M.Y". Wow I need to keep my mouth shut!


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## 3Xnocharm

Movingon_ said:


> I agree with all above. I will be on this site for probably the rest of my life. It is some what strange what divorce will do to a person. I spent 22 years with the same woman. Never "knew" another woman in the Biblical sense. But when I am out and about and come across people, total strangers , men or women, the FIRST thing I do is glance at thier left hand looking for a wedding band. I have no idea why I do this. It's kind of like a Fight Club kind of thing. I guess I just want to know if they are one of us. I never gave this a milisecond thought before my D. I am also so much more aware of single dads with thier kids to see how they interact. Maybe seeing if I can learn anything. Of all the hell that D brings, it affects EVERY aspect of your life. I have been divorced for over a year now and I still cannot for the life of me recall any specific memory of how it felt to come home to the entire family, dinner on the table and the feeling of all the house/kid chores that had to be done by bedtime. What gives with that? Its like my mind is trying to keep me safe from those memories.
> 
> On a side note - just a random thought.... The ex and I got into on the phone the other day. She was crying to me as usual of how unhappy she was and that I, yes I ruined her life. ( and she is the one who cheated ) She said that no matter what relationship her and I get into in the future it just will not be the same. I said, it will never be the same as long as you keep going after married men. She didn't like that so much but it was a quick conversation ender. She hung up on me and I have not heard from her in a few days.
> 
> Another story - the first weekend of our D life, my daughter was in a spelling bee ( she took third by the way out of 3 grades! ) Anyway my ex was out of town and text me asking what word she got out on. I said "Adultery. she spelled it M.O.M.M.Y". Wow I need to keep my mouth shut!


:lol: :rofl:


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## EnjoliWoman

I automatically look for wedding bands, too. It amazes me how many MARRIED men don't wear them.


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## NoWhere

I don't wear one!


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> F on a leash, you are one tuff SOB! But I love it.


 :lol: :rofl: Yes, I've been told that I am "beyond brutally honest". I call 'em as I see 'em. Those from my part of the world are known for that.  Subtlety has never been my style. 



> But back to you.... Not being mean I'm just going to ask this..... You say that you are enjoying life, you're happy and doing well. ( at least your advice to me seems to say that ) Yet you are still on this site. Maybe to help others or maybe to help yourself, not sure. Point is, I think alot of people on this site that claim to be doing well are still on here for a reason. If I was doing well, I would have not found this site, I would have had no reason to.


Ironically enough it was my STBXH who directed me to this site. I am assuming he's forgotten about it because he's still being civil to me.  

If you look at the date of when I first joined it's been awhile. 3 years actually! Happy anniversary to me! :smthumbup: February 2010 was pretty much the beginning of the end. A few short months later and I was living out a nightmare scenario and my life and marriage were starting to unravel big time. 

TAM helped me get through it. I found people I could relate to and a place that I could vent on. I've written paragraph after paragraph of posts that sound a lot like what you've written. You can go back and check my many posts. It's pretty interesting. 

I've always frequented various forums over the years (from racing cars to playing World of Warcraft) so it wasn't a stretch for me to be here. On TAM I went from being in the "General" category to posting in the "Addicted to" then to "Considering separation" to "Being Separated" and finally decided to see what life would be like on the dark side after the Big D.

I came here to "Life After" while separated but still in marriage mode to try to figure out just what being divorced entailed. As time went on I went from "marriage mode" to "divorce mode" and found I related more to the people here than those who are still considering or separated. Now it's just a matter of finalizing things but I've finally arrived emotionally. Believe me, it was a long time coming and I'm glad as hell to be here!

But I haven't always been happy or content. That's been rather recent. I've been sifting through my emotions and sorting out things for quite awhile. Being here has really helped matters. I've even kept a sort of journal when it came to my divorce filing/drama, etc. It's very helpful. 

But yeah, when it comes to my STBXH I'm good. Tomorrow we are going in and filing the settlement agreement and hopefully we'll be divorced in 30 days. No regrets, no more sorrows. Onward and upward. 

It probably helps that my biggest dream for the past 10 years (with maybe a 2 year interruption) was to be exactly where I am now. I'm free, not just physically but emotionally. I've been through hell, been burned, scarred and then toughened up and here I am.. All the angry thoughts, emotions, all the screaming and bleeding and fighting is over. Now I'm just glad to be here and on my own. It's the realization of a dream that came at the end of the long nightmare that was my marriage. 

Guess in the end it helped that my marriage was so bad. If it had been good and then suddenly ended I probably would've had a harder time dealing with it. Most of the time I've just been praying that I'd make the emotional break. It helped that the marriage sucked so much and do did the separation...the divorce will be much better than either one. 

So yeah, in February, 2013, 3 years after I logged on and made up my avatar here I am. It's been quite a journey. I started it then, am ending a marriage now and am beginning another as a divorcee.

Three years from now as my 2 children each graduate from their schools and begin their new lives I plan to join them. Where I'll be going and what I'll be doing I don't know but I do know that I will be going somewhere cool. It's the next chapter. Stay tuned. 

I don't plan on leaving here. I've still got plenty to say and lots to learn. I get a lot from what others are doing and saying. Look at all the stuff I've learned about Online dating! 

Basically the main reason I'm still here is because I like the folks here. It's a nice group.  I still feel a need to connect with people like you and others here that are going through the same things I've gone thru and will go through. There are so many here who are going through what I've gone through and just need to be told to keep their heads up and hopes high and that, as my siggy says, Life does indeed "start now". It's not necessarily over, it's just beginning and that that a half empty glass indeed half full. 

Plus, if I can be helpful and kick some azz then why not? It's all good. I'm glad you have taken it in the spirit it was intended. You're cool by me


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## Freak On a Leash

EnjoliWoman said:


> I automatically look for wedding bands, too. It amazes me how many MARRIED men don't wear them.


Married women don't either. I hadn't worn my wedding band in decades. It got in the way when I was working or cleaning the car or whatever. I sold it recently. Paid for my skiing trip. :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Another story - the first weekend of our D life, my daughter was in a spelling bee ( she took third by the way out of 3 grades! ) Anyway my ex was out of town and text me asking what word she got out on. I said "Adultery. she spelled it M.O.M.M.Y". Wow I need to keep my mouth shut!


:lol: :lol: :rofl: :smthumbup: That is the BEST story I've ever read. Don't keep your mouth shut! You need to do that more often. Do yourself a favor and don't talk to your ex on the phone anymore. Let her drown in her own sorrows.


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## Nsweet

Freak On a Leash said:


> :lol: :lol: :rofl: :smthumbup: That is the BEST story I've ever read. Don't keep your mouth shut! You need to do that more often. Do yourself a favor and don't talk to your ex on the phone anymore. Let her drown in her own sorrows.


YES! YES! YES!!!!!

Don't be her emotional teddy bear or let her p*ssy whip you, especially if she's giving it to some d-bag and then calling you to complain about her sucky life. When you divorced her you fired her as your wife, bff, and f*ck buddy. Don't let this woman ruin the good man you are for others. 

You only have to put up with her for your children. Nobody said you had to like her or go out of the way to please her.... Let some idiot who believes her sob stories do that now. With any luck she'll marry him and you'll be free from abuse.:smthumbup:


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## jameskimp

Move on even if it hurts and let her see this.

Get another girl and she will coming running back to you, though I wouldn't want her anyway. Improve your life. Get another girl. Cannot stress this enough.


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## nevergveup

With time you will heal, but your ex with time will realize
what she has lot.She has lost a honest,hard working husband
and his extended family.


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## Freak On a Leash

Nsweet said:


> You only have to put up with her for your children. Nobody said you had to like her or go out of the way to please her....


:iagree: The only ties you have with your EX are your children. For their sake and their sake only you should be cordial and polite so that you can coparent them effectively. Their mother is a cheating dirtbag but that is their decision to make in their own way and time. You need to be neutral on that with them and be the best father you can be. 

That said, you don't have to talk to her about anything besides your children. You're divorced. That means her crap is her own. She sh*t in her own bed and now she has to lie in it, live with it and smell it.

When you step in crap, you don't sniff it or examine it, you just wipe it off your shoe and keep walking. Walk away from her brand of guilt and mind fu*cking. Just tell her "I don't need or want to hear about it, we're done" and hang up. 

It's what I've done with my STBXH when things have gotten out of hand. He once called me "pathetic" and I just laughed at him and said "Hey, check out the pot calling the kettle black". End of conversation. 

Take control of the situation and call the shots. She'll knock it off soon enough, trust me. 

I don't know if you've seen this but this is bit of a journal about my situation since I made the decision to file for divorce, plus a link of what I went through over the past 2.5 years..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html


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## Movingon_

You guys are all great! Who would have thunk it that so much care and understanding could come from strangers?

Leash - I read most of your older post. Wow you poor thing. You HAVE came a long way. You go and keep going!

Well the ex did it to me again... We got into a fight on the phone earlier this week. During the screaming and name calling, from both of us, I told her that she was all but dead to me and that I have learned alot about myself in the past 8 plus months and no matter what she said or thought I told her I was a much better person for all that has happened. I guess this hit home for her. So on yesterday morning when I got up for work I seen that she had sent me a text at 2:30 in the morning. She asked if we could meet for dinner on friday night ( tonight )because she would like to hear what it was that I learned about myself. I thought long and hard before getting back to her. I finally said as long as you are not looking to fight and name call and we can also talk about the kids and see about getting them C, I would meet with her. So yesterday at around 5 she called and said she was hired to clean a house and needed to do it tonight. She asked if we could meet after she is finished, which would be around 10 p.m.. She just had this coldness to her, very matter of fact. I told her never mind. We could do it some other time, kind of blew her off. Its almost like she had a moment of weakness and could not sleep, then found strength again sometime yesterday. She always sucks me into this. I know the pattern all to well. Now she will go quiet for the next couple of weeks as if she is doing fine. Then out of nowhere the tears will flow about about how much she misses me and the family and wishes we could have worked it out before the D. What the hell is wrong with this woman????!!!! It would be so much easier for me if she just moved on and with her MR. Save-a-hoe and left me alone. But thats my fault for not sticking to any biundries.


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## Paradise

movingon, you are where most of us have already been with the fallout from divorce. You are in that "angry" stage right now. I was there and then there again and again but each time the anger was a little less and didn't last as long. 

You'll get tired of hearing the "work on yourself and your children" stuff but it really is true. However, it is hard to be consistent working on oneself when the emotions are on a roller coaster. I'm 2 yrs post divorce almost and I'm just now getting to that point where I can consistently see what my future holds and the direction I want to take. Face it, takes a while for the smoke to settle. 

Keep getting lots of rest and eating right an exercising. You'll be yourself in no time.


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## keko

You need to stop interacting with her and go dark on her.

She cheated on you, you've been divorced and you accept her offer for a dinner? UFB.


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## Movingon_

Well - today the kids had a 2 hour delay. They stayed with me lastnight. So the plan was for the kids to be picked up at my house by the ex for school. We have done this in the past and usually not a big deal. So this morning I left for work before she got there. I get a text from here a few hours ago - " I made pancakes and eggs for me and the kids, brought coffee and used ur coffee maker. hope that was okay. I tried to clean up  " What do you think??? Over stepping her bounds??? I don't drink coffee. Not that that has anything to do with anything just thought everyone would like to know. Now that I think about it, not sure why I shared that??? No one cares.


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## keko

How are you planning on moving on and healing yourself when you let her back into your life?


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## Freak On a Leash

keko said:


> You need to stop interacting with her and go dark on her.
> 
> She cheated on you, you've been divorced and you accept her offer for a dinner? UFB.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

:wtf: are you doing? GOING TO DINNER WITH HER? :banghead: :slap:

Stop talking to her already. When she starts in on you just say "I'm done" and HANG UP THE PHONE. Take control of the situation dude! She's running you around like a chicken with your head cut off? Don't you see that? 

You are using your kids as an EXCUSE to interact with her. The situation with the kids should be cut and dry. You got a divorce, you got an agreement, chances are you have visitation and support mapped out since they are younger. 

All you need to do with her is work out details in raising the kids. After that there shouldn't be ANY conversations about the TWO OF YOU. That's OVER now. That's what divorce is supposed to do...END the marriage and all the baggage that goes with it! Why keep pulling and picking at the scab over what was once your marriage? 

You aren't even close to being over her. I know this because I was the SAME way not that long ago. Eventually you'll get over her but it WILL help if you try and take control of the situation. You're still acting like her b*itch though. 

Read everything in THIS. It's not about getting her back but taking control of yourself and your life:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Oh yeah..and you may want to check out the forum it comes from. It's for people whose partners have committed adultery. Might want to check it out.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Well - today the kids had a 2 hour delay. They stayed with me lastnight. So the plan was for the kids to be picked up at my house by the ex for school. We have done this in the past and usually not a big deal. So this morning I left for work before she got there. I get a text from here a few hours ago - " I made pancakes and eggs for me and the kids, brought coffee and used ur coffee maker. hope that was okay. I tried to clean up  " What do you think??? .


I think she should've taken the kids home and made them breakfast at HER house and you should've told her that. You gotta keep things SEPARATE. When I went away last week I had my H pick up my son from MY apartment and bring him to HIS apartment. That's how it needs to be done. It's not just about the kids, it's about YOU. You are not ready to do this type of thing yet because you are _emotionally attached to her_. It's too close, too soon for you. 

I'm not adverse to working together on this sort of thing but your relationship is still very volatile. My STBXH asked me about my son having a friend over to play computer games. My son wants his father there too so that they can all play. 

Problem is he doesn't have 3 computers at his place and I won't let my son take his computer over there. However my STBXH does have 2 gaming laptops so I said that it would be fine if he brought them over to my apartment so they could all play. It would take the pressure off me if I'm not there because I know my STBXH would be there to supervise things and clean up. But I know that my H and me aren't going to wind up screaming at each other. That's all done and over with now, as long as he remains sober.


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## Movingon_

Hey, why don't you guys mind your own business???? It's not like I'm on here airing out all my dirty laundry. Oh, wait a minute... thats exactly what I'm doing. I know you guys are right. I'm weak and a sucker. I know that. By the way, I did decline the dinner offer. Not to say that I did not think about it. I think tonight I my get piss drunk and hit the batting cages. Just to give me something to do. Anyone ever see the movie Cool Hand Luke?


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## Paradise

Never seen cool hand luke but if you are going to hit the batting cages at least watch Happy Gilmore beforehand and then send us the video of you "letting your anger out." That would be therapy for you and entertainment for us!!!! 

You aren't weak. You are just confused right now and it won't completely go away for a while. Give yourself a break. I was so dang uptight after my divorce it's a miracle I didn't have a heart attack. Finally I woke up one day and was tired of it all. That's when I let go, forgave (myself and everyone else) and decided to start moving forward. Took me a good year and a half post divorce to finally be 100% ok doing this. 

Have fun drinking a few but do not allow yourself to call or text the ex.


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## Freak On a Leash

Movingon_ said:


> Hey, why don't you guys mind your own business???? It's not like I'm on here airing out all my dirty laundry. Oh, wait a minute... thats exactly what I'm doing. I know you guys are right. I'm weak and a sucker. I know that. By the way, I did decline the dinner offer. Not to say that I did not think about it. I think tonight I my get piss drunk and hit the batting cages. Just to give me something to do. Anyone ever see the movie Cool Hand Luke?


Never seen that movie. Last night my son and I had a chinese food and watched _The Expendables_ Parts 1 and 2. Sly Stallone is still looking good! :smthumbup:

I assume you are joking about us minding our own business, seeing you are on a forum...:rofl:

I'll give you points..You DID eventually come around and blow her off but your _initial reaction_ was to accept. Only later, after she put you off awhile, did you figure it out. 

So, OK....you are at least heading in the right direction. 

So here's a slap upside your head for the first reaction: :slap:

And a thumbs up for coming around: :smthumbup:

Yes, you are confused. It's too bad that when you have children you can't just walk away from the other party. It would make life so much easier. I know, I've been there too. I'm STILL there! I can't tell you how many times I've run right back into that emotional web after I've disengaged myself from it. 

It took me around 2 years to finally get free and it wasn't easy. But you gotta keep on it and eventually, one day you'll realize that a week has gone by and you haven't thought about or talked to your ex and life will be good. It WILL happen. 

So climb back on that horse and keep riding! You'll do it! We have faith in you! 

But I'm gonna keep smacking you upside your head until that day comes. OK?   That's why you are here, right?


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## stillhoping

I am right there with you, I keep asking him about his life, how his job search is going, how his ski trip was. Then he sends me random pics of his activities and sends me an email the day after Valentine's day about the fact that he did laundry and cleaned his apt. that night. He texted me about coming to my house to take the dog overnight for a few days, I made him wait until the next day cause I was scared he was lonesome and he would be all nice and I would let him hang out for a bit. Even though I know it is nuts, he hasn't actually done anything to lead me on, I am reading too much into everything. After 30 years together, I didn't want this, still don't, but since I need to move on, I sent him an email and asked him to just tell me to quit. To help me, let me go. He finally answered it two days later, said he has no regrets, he is happy and he is dating!! Really, then why lie to me? Well, I have had it, I need to move on and heal and the only way is to let him go. I am going out dancing tonight, gonna see the nice man who thinks I am great tomorrow and continue on my plan to complete my PhD.


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## Movingon_

@ Paradise - Like I said in an earleir post, I was doing so freaking great for 4 or 5 months then just hit a slump. I have been having a really good 3 or 4 days. If the cycle stays true, I will be fine for another few months. It's just the rollercoaster ride that sucks. You really need to see cool hand luke. It's one of the all time greats! The ex asked me to forward an e-mail that someone had sent her but they sent it to an old account that we used to share but I took it over after the D. I did forward it to her lastnight. She text me today saying she did not get it. I told her I did not know what to tell her. I sent it to 
(her name)liarcheateradultresshomewrecker.org. Not cool I know but sometimes I cannot stop myself from taking a dig at her now and again. I think its kinda of funny, but does that mean I have not let go? In my mind it's just a little dig that I have fun with. Should I just take the high road for now on?

@ Freak - Yes I was kidding about you guys minding ur own biddness. You guys are awesome. And please keep the smacking coming! Like you said, life would be sooo much better if I had to never deal with her again, but we are connected to some extant for the rest of our lives.

@ still hoping - I think D is hard on all involved, even the WS. In my case, and sounds like yours too, our WS got a feeling about greener grass and are finding out it needs mowed as well. I was a good husband/person and I think my ex is having so many regrets about ripping our family apart. She told me on the phone a few days ago that things will never be the same for her and how she really wishes we would have not D so quickly. Keep strong, we will all get through this and on the bright side, in another 50 years what will it matter?


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## stillhoping

well, I am not giving up on today just because it won't matter 50 years from now. Besides, I am setting an example for my kids and their kids and they will certainly be around to remember 50 years from now. I know I was greatly influenced by the way my grandparents behaved, maybe even more than my parents. And I do believe that you get back what you put out and I want to put out hopefulness and forgiveness


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## ExisaWAW

OMG I love this thread! Movingon, your first post was hilarious! Like you, my ex cheated & it led to our D. She's no longer w/ that guy but she's been through 4-5 and her latest she's been with for 8 months (D. was final 11 mos ago). 

For me as the LBS, divorce sucks. My two little girls will have to grow up in a broken home (or a blended family if she gets remarried to her current Mr. Wonderful), & I may have to leave TX to find work (I've been unemployed for over a year). 

After 11 months, I'm FINALLY starting 180 & going dark. I have allowed her to cake eat & dangle me by a string while her relationship gets stronger & stronger. I still pray for a miracle but I no longer honestly expect one. Time to heal.


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## Nsweet

See right there, that's the thing about affairs no one ever bothers to try to understand. They rarely last that long. I mean she's lucky if Mr. New Wonderful lasts three years if that's the guy she left you for. And every guy after that is likely to be a downgrade from the last who's only purpose is to enable her bad habits, because women like your wife may go from relationship to relationship like climbing rungs on a ladder in order to escape their responsibilities and avoir feeling alone.

In the end you're out and free, which may not feel like it is it's own reward after all. But now you don't have to stand there and be blamed for any of the problems she's causing herself. She has a line of new wonderful men to idealize and then severely devalue for that.


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## Baseballmom6

Wow, divorce does suck! Just when I think that I am finally getting a handle on my emotions, my ex does something to make me so furious. It's been 9 months since separation, 4 since divorce (after 27 years of marriage). Our daughter is employed abroad and since she will be there for 2 years, she has decided to sell her car (the one ex and I bought her after she got a full-ride scholarship for college). Today I learn that my ex is buying the car from her to give to his live-in girlfriend (the woman who he cheated on me with). Of course, he won't have the money until next June 2014 to pay her. I am sure that when he does decide to pay her for it will be at next year's value and after the OW has put many, many more miles on it. I know it is none of my business because it is our daughter's car but it make be feels so betrayed. Like really?? Daughter is basically selling her car to the woman who broke up our marriage. Is it crazy for me to furious about this?


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## Nsweet

No, you have ever right to be pissed at him. However, you can be pissed and decide to lash out at him, or you can do the mature thing and do nothing but sit back while his affair crashes and burns for him. What he doesn't count on is that most affairs are very short lived post divorce due to the brake neck speed of the second honeymoon phase passing over the building up of trust. Since this is all about instant sexual and ego gratification there's no time they actually both stop and decide to work on their relationship and build up trust until it starts to get bad and the issues of trust and fidelity, what little trust there is, comes up to cause problems for both of them when the affair isn't fun and starts to be work for both of them.

Just sit back and let your ex hisband have his fun. You know it's not going to last and anything your husband does to earn her affection will come back to haunt him financially or emotionally. After all this is an affair, not a slow to build loving relationship based on trust and friendship before sex and commitment.


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## Freak On a Leash

Baseballmom6 said:


> Is it crazy for me to furious about this?


No it's not crazy but it's counterproductive.  Now your DAUGHTER should be pissed because she's basically getting ripped off.


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## Mtts

Life is only as hard as we let it become. I know I've struggled with this many times. I think you are doing well in resetting your own sense of self. It takes a long time to do when you've been with a single person that long. 

Focusing on your kids I think is a great outlet for this, being the best father you can be. Reading through this though I know you're already doing that. 

I hope you find peace with this and ultimately removing her influence is going to be one of the best aids to that.

For me I have tons of hobbies to focus my efforts on and am grateful for it. Weight training became a new hobby, in the last year I've gained 22lbs and I've never felt better. Physically it's nice, but it's helped recoup some of that self-esteem I lost when I got battered by my WS. 

Keep your chin up, focus on all the positives this life change offers and try your best to resolve the feelings of frustration, betrayl and anger. For me I used that anger to drive a positive change at the gym.


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