# Legal separation/3 kids/living hours apart



## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

I’ve been married for 8 years.

3 kids ages 2,3, and 7

husband has had multiple emotional affairs that may have been physical.
definitely one physical affair a few days before baby #2.
smokes weed all day everyday. High. All.Day.
smokes in the garage of our home. When the kids are awake. Smells terrible. buys pain pills, idk how often.
My attorney said the kids could be taken by CPS bc of what he was doing. He has driven high before. He has 3 DUIs.
I pleaded with him to stop. He said no. Said he was bored.
He had a lot of anger. Called our 2 year old an f’ing idiot. Things like that. A lot .

so one month ago, I left. I came to my moms house with our three Kids.
I filed for separation.
He refused separation saying “it’s just too delaying the inevitable”
He then went cold and stopped talking to me.
So I filed for divorce.

the police back in SC served him with papers.
that afternoon he was taken by ambulance to the ER for a huge cut to his wrist he says was done by a branch in the yard. I call BS but who knows.
Anyway. That aside,

a week or so after that, he texts me
Last night saying

“look, I am in therapy. I have been going since you left. I think we should go to couples therapy. I haven’t smoked or done anything since you left. I am so sorry and want our family back together. I will give you the space you need to make your decision If that means we live apart”

My question is / what do you think?
I plan to -

take 6 months to evaluate our relationship.
1. Individual therapy for both of us
2. Couples therapy
3. Date again
4. Legal separation agreement
The kids will see him supervised by his parents every other weekend. I will get child support. And we will sell our home. 100 percent of proceeds to me. He will move in with his parents and can move here with me if things are successful. (He has agreed to all of this too) 

am I nuts? Anything I should add? Can we really change? How do we find the right therapist for this?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

There is nothing wrong with trying, and you're right to put a time limit on it. Make sure you know what that time limit means to you, though. Is that 6 months to see if he can change and be someone you want to be married to? Is it to see if everything is magically fixed in 6 months (it won't be)? Is it to see if things are going well enough that you'd like to extend it another 6 months?

It takes about a year for the changes to be real. Anyone can change for a while, long term change is much harder.

Once you've decided to R, you need to be all in for 6-12 months to really give it a chance. That's a hard thing to do and something I really struggle with.

You both need to do IC before MC though. You don't do MC until you've decided you want to reconcile, and you're not there yet. You need proof that he's really changed before MC in an option. So, start with IC. I did IC for about 3-3½ months before starting MC with my WS.

He needs IC to figure out why he cheated because without getting to the source it WILL happen again. He also needs it to deal with his substance abuse and anger.

You need IC to figure out what you really want, learn healthy boundaries and techniques, etc.

Finding the right therapists is, unfortunately, a lot of trial and error. I've gone through many.

You should request random drug testing. That's a must.

He absolutely needs to come clean about ALL the affairs. He needs to honestly answer every question you have. He needs to give you a written timeline of the affairs. He needs to stop all contact with OW. He needs to give you full access to his stuff. And on, and on.

I wouldn't start "dating" (and many MC do recommend that, btw) yet. You need some more time apart first. Right now he's not someone you'd want to date, so wait until he is. It is going to be hard for you to date while living hours apart. That may also cause resentment with driving the kids back and forth all the time, and resentment can be a killer for R. 

You need to figure out the risks to your children. If CPS could take them then that's a serious consideration. Generally CPS tries to keep the children with family, but they will remove them if needed. I know someone who lost her children for years because she chose her substance abusing husband over her children. If going back to him means losing your kids then he is NOT worth that.

Since he has 3 DUI's, I wouldn't be letting him drive with the children until he's been clean for a while.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Boredom in marriage is not uncommon. Many people just can’t handle the ordinariness of daily life so they drink or do drugs or cheat or gamble or do all of those things. Right now you have no idea if he can change long-term. Maybe he can. Maybe he can’t. You do know his track record to date isn’t good. If you’re willing to give him another chance, don’t rush it — for yourself or your children.


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

bobert said:


> There is nothing wrong with trying, and you're right to put a time limit on it. Make sure you know what that time limit means to you, though. Is that 6 months to see if he can change and be someone you want to be married to? Is it to see if everything is magically fixed in 6 months (it won't be)? Is it to see if things are going well enough that you'd like to extend it another 6 months?
> 
> It takes about a year for the changes to be real. Anyone can change for a while, long term change is much harder.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for the very thoughtful response. I didn’t think to wait for MC to finish IC first. Great recommendation.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

I’m of a diff mind, but I guess that’s why there are so many who post. We give you our thoughts and you choose the best route that you think you should. 

let me say again, I think if you were my daughter, I would be quite proud of you 1) for the way you are handling your situation and 2) for being the adult in this situation. His manipulation holds no bounds, cut on his wrist by a branch? I think he knows that you would perceive that it was something else and told you to put more guilt on you.

Bobert has come up with some great starting points that you might want to follow, but I would caution you about moving back with him until he complies with YOUR wishes and ffs, he needs to grow up, quit relying on mommy and sibs, but mostly man up for his family and get a job.

keep the faith thesky and do what’s best for you and your children.

OT


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## thesky1291 (Aug 11, 2014)

Oldtimer said:


> I’m of a diff mind, but I guess that’s why there are so many who post. We give you our thoughts and you choose the best route that you think you should.
> 
> let me say again, I think if you were my daughter, I would be quite proud of you 1) for the way you are handling your situation and 2) for being the adult in this situation. His manipulation holds no bounds, cut on his wrist by a branch? I think he knows that you would perceive that it was something else and told you to put more guilt on you.
> 
> ...


Thank you! You are all so wonderful here, and I don’t know what I’d do without your support! 
I really want what’s best for my children. If he can change, so be it. If I have to be as hard on him as I have to, so be it. If it’s not going to change, fine. We’ll see. I’m not going to rug sweep like I did before and I think he sees that now. I think that’s why he initially refused the legal separation. He thought I’d say ok and go back home. Instead I filed for divorce. Now he wants a legal separation on my terms. But, we’ll see. I still don’t believe him. I will definitely follow the above posters advice and proceed with caution. His family wants me to just run back home. Only crazy people do things that didn’t work before. I’m not doing that anymore.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thesky1291 said:


> Thank you! You are all so wonderful here, and I don’t know what I’d do without your support!
> I really want what’s best for my children. If he can change, so be it. If I have to be as hard on him as I have to, so be it. If it’s not going to change, fine. We’ll see. I’m not going to rug sweep like I did before and I think he sees that now. I think that’s why he initially refused the legal separation. He thought I’d say ok and go back home. Instead I filed for divorce. Now he wants a legal separation on my terms. But, we’ll see. I still don’t believe him. I will definitely follow the above posters advice and proceed with caution. His family wants me to just run back home. Only crazy people do things that didn’t work before. I’m not doing that anymore.


I agree with Oldtimer's post except in one area.

He said to not have any MC for a while. I think you both still need some marital counseling. There is something called a Structured Separation Agreement (SSA). The idea is to have a marriage counselor help you negotiate the SSA. You both sign it to acknowledge that you both agree. With the SSA you have specified your goals for working on your marriage and what is and is not acceptable.

This way, for example, the agreement can stipulate that neither of you will date anyone else during the separation. This is important because often during a separation at least one spouse will start dating someone else .. after all why not? They are separated right? With his history an SSA would be a very good way for you to make it very clear to him that if he dates anyone you the marriage is OVER.

Another item that you should include in an SSA is that if he uses any drugs it's OVER. you might even want to include a drug test once a month.

The SSA is not a legal document. But it lays out very clearly what your expectation are and how the two of you will interact, how you will handle finances, what changes you both need to be working on and how you will co-parent, etc.

Here is a SSA template. There are more available online if you want to see what others have in them.






The Structured Separation Agreement | Ward Therapy Associates, LLC







www.patrickwardphd.com


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