# Ladies, I need your help



## jynxster (Apr 22, 2010)

I had a phone call today with my wife. She was complaining about a number of things to do with her family, she also had a rash that she was worried about. I won't bore you with the details.

When she was going on and on about her family I asked her why she lets these things get to her and suggested she try to brush it off as stressing about it will not make it go away, or avoid the same things happening again.

When she was complaining about her rash I said why doesn't she make an appointment with a dermatologist?

After a while she got mad at me and said that I don't understand how she is feeling. Shortly thereafter we said I love you and hung up and I was wondering what the heck happened.

Now, hindsight is a wonderful thing, on further contemplation I realised, ooops maybe I was supposed to just listen and not try and fix her problems. Am I right here ladies? I think I am but, how do us men just listen? To me, a bunch of "oh" "ah" "ah-huh" "really?" etc just sounds patronising? 

Tell me how I should have handled this. What do women want from us men when they want us to just listen? What are the dos and don'ts? HELP!


----------



## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

I was gonna tell you that she just wanted you to listen and then I got then I read your hindsight and see that you got it. Good job on that point. 

You are right, we just want our man to listen and not fix it. Men are equipped that way, I think, b/c it seems to be universal. The do's IMO: provide verbal and non verbal feedback and validate her feelings by saying things like, "yeah, I would be mad too" or "I'm sorry you're having a rough day" etc. Don'ts: get mad or suggest she see a doctor, offer unsolicited advice, to name a few.

I'm still trying to get my H to do this after nearly 22 years of marriage, LOL! I just tell him, "honey, just listen, I don't need you to fix it" when he starts. 

Good luck!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep.

You can practice that by furthering the conversation by ASKING her what she thinks she should do. SHE should do, not YOU. Prompt her to keep talking. That's what she really wants. To know that you actually care what she's thinking.

Do you ever interrupt her when she's talking? My H does that, so much so that I just quit talking to him about 10 years ago, because he was SO uninterested in what I had to say, that he couldn't even let me finish a thought before he interrupted and started talking about what HE thought was important.

I quit talking. And he never even noticed.


----------



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

IMO, as a woman, alot of the times when women talk about their problems, the person on the listening end is merely a sounding board. We like to verbalize our issues because it helps us get perspective, or come up with our own solution. But yes, we do not always want you to fix it, just be there. And if she wants your advice, she will say "what do you think i should do?" If she doesn't ask, don't offer advice.


----------



## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

Yes! A guy who has figured it out! 

When situations like this occur, I know as a guy you want to clue her in to the simple solution, but saying "Do This" can sound condescending to a woman already in an upset mood.

If you want to offer advice, try "Well, if it were me, I'd do this. Either way, I'm here for you." Nonthreatening, but offers decision-making input.

Best of all, do what I tell my hubby to do - just sweep me up into your arms and hug me tight for a while. No words needed.


----------



## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Us women love to rant, and we don't expect responses most of the time. I know when I do that to my poor husband (he hates when I do, but he's such a good sport) he'll just listen. Sometimes I'll ask him for advice and such, and then he knows to chime in. But for the most part, when we have a rough day, we just need you to be that listening ear and that shoulder to cry on without having to hear a bunch more from the men we love. Sometimes silence is bliss. But the "uh-huh's" and the "I understand's" are more then welcome!


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Yep I definitely agree with all the above. 

Active listening is what is needed rather than telling her what to do. “um, yes, really, what happened next, how did that make you feel”. Also paraphrase/summarise and reflect back to her so that you both know that you have understood her correctly. Asking relevant questions to help your understanding is also good and shows her that you are interested. 

Acknowledge the feelings she has expressed and emphasise – “I can see why you feel so stressed/angry/upset (whatever). 

Regarding the rash for example, AFTER hearing her out, if you feel you want to suggest a solution you could ASK her what she has tried to do about it and did it help. If her answer doesn’t mention a dermatologist you should still acknowledge her response but could add “I wonder if seeing a dermatologist would be another option. How do you feel about going to see someone if it doesn’t clear up soon?”

So basically 

LISTEN ACTIVELY (don’t just stay silent, don’t interrupt with the intention of cutting her short, don’t assume you know what she is going to say – actually allow her to say it herself in her own way)

ACKNOWLEDGE HER FEELINGS (even if you feel she is over-reacting she is entitled to her feelings)

FACILITATE her drawing her own conclusions/solutions.

May I also say how refreshing it is that you actually want to take the time and effort to learn how to handle things differently!


----------



## blublazy (Apr 30, 2010)

She did just want you to listen and be interested in her, maybe not try to fix her problems as it could be taken as you dont really care... "Maybe you just shouldnt worry about.. Maybe you should see a doctor" but help her reach those conclusions... often, the way you word things and even the tone in your voice (even if you are unaware and sincere in your concern and interest) can be taken as not good to her. Next time, I would just listen, ask questions that dont lead to solutions but keep her venting, and maybe try to subconsiously steer her in the right direction of a solution if your brave. You know how women always say "We just let men think the great ideas are theirs"? well we like to think we do have all the great ideas, and its hard to admit when someone else is right, even if it doesnt mean your wrong


----------



## boogdar (May 1, 2010)

I understand that it is difficult for men to just listen, because they do genuinely want to help their wives.
What men need to understand about this point, is that your wife already knows how to fix the problem, otherwise she would have asked for advice. 
As a women, I realize that a lot of the issues I vent about are going to get better, or have a simple solution, but it's the overwhelming emotion that needs to be released before I can cope with it. 
When a man says something like, "Well, honey why don't you just do this..." or "It's not going to get any better if you don't..."
THAT seems patronizing. Even though the man doesn't mean it in this way.
Realize that when your wife is venting, her emotions are hyperactive, (that's why she's trying to get rid of it). And that makes it easier for her to snap at you. (I'm not saying it's okay, just giving you the factors)
Women do have a logical mind, it just doesn't focus well with emotion clouding it up (at least that's how it works for me). If I can get it off my chest I feel better, and I feel grateful to my husband for being there to take some of heat off.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

jynxster said:


> Now, hindsight is a wonderful thing, on further contemplation I realised, ooops maybe I was supposed to just listen and not try and fix her problems. Am I right here ladies? I think I am but, how do us men just listen? To me, a bunch of "oh" "ah" "ah-huh" "really?" etc just sounds patronising?


Yep, you are supposed to just listen to her beotch and complain. She's not looking for advice or answers, just that you be a sounding board. Sounds pretty silly, doesn't it? But that's the way most women are. They need to vent, to blow off steam. 

That said, I'm like a guy in that I always tend to WANT to have a "fix" when someone tells me their problems so I understand where you are coming from. It's hard to just sit and listen to someone complain, especially if they do it constantly. Best thing you can do though is do just that. Give her a big hug and tell her you understand. 

Works for teenage daughters too..


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

jynxster said:


> Now, hindsight is a wonderful thing, on further contemplation I realised, ooops maybe I was supposed to just listen and not try and fix her problems. Am I right here ladies? I think I am but, how do us men just listen? To me, a bunch of "oh" "ah" "ah-huh" "really?" etc just sounds patronising?


It is patronizing to "oh" "ah" "uh-huh" and "really" as if you are not listening. What is NOT patronizing is "So it sounds like the family thing is getting to you? Is that what you mean? What can I do?" and "Is your rash worrying you? I can see why that would be something concerning. What do you want to do about it?" 



> Tell me how I should have handled this. What do women want from us men when they want us to just listen? What are the dos and don'ts? HELP!


Oh...well see above. In effect what we want is for you to sort of parrot back what we said but in your own words, so we know you "heard" us correctly, then indicate you understand or like it's reasonable to think or feel that (I could see how that would be...), and then maybe ask a question. It keeps the convo going and also respects us enough to ask US for how WE plan to take care of it. Or if we have no plan, then we might say, "Hmmm...I'm not sure what to do! What do you think?" Ba da bing! You're chance to shine! You've been invited.


----------



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

She called you because you are the one she needs to offer her attention, care, and support

Active listening is very important because if she doesn't find what she needs with you she will withdraw herself or she will seek it outside
her main problem is not what she mentioned to you maybe she didn't hit the main issue
and in this situation offering a solution is not helping to solve the unknown problem
you gave her the answer that she knows not the one that she needs 
IMO she needs more attention more care and more love

BUT If she learned to get attention only when she complains it will become an addiction 

You need to find the drive, 
Why does she do that?
Is she seeking attention in negative way?

Complaining is a way of life for some people.

I have read an article about complaining and found these might help give you some insight 
"..complainers are pulling on others for caring and understanding because they have emotionally abandoned themselves....

...and if complaining worked for the child to get what he or she wanted, then it can become an addiction. Like all addictions, it may work for the moment, but it will never fill the deep inner need for love. Only we can fill this need for ourselves, by opening our hearts to the Source of love. Only we can do the inner work of developing a loving adult capable of opening to the love of Spirit and bringing that love to the child within. People stop complaining when they learn to fill themselves with love."

IMO,if you give her your love and care all the time and positive comments on everything she does or wear or says.. This will help her to do by HERSELF what you want her to change without telling her that..

It's only my opinion it could be wrong 
You are the best to know what's going on
hope what i said made any sense
Good luck


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

this is the number one pitfall for most men, inability to adjust their mindset (fix and repair) to the female mindset (analyze. discuss, plan, re-plan, make list, alot time, change mind, re-plan, etc.). Men do need to learn to listen to their women more, its just so dang difficult.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

incidentally, i absolutely do listen to my wife...when I have deemed the subject important. She will overly discuss things that really aren't important, except to her. thats the key to listening. if she is discussing it a man needs to deem it important.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Okeydokie, that's dangerous ground, b/c all of us want to feel WE are important to our significant others, and when someone deems our concerns--or our NEED TO CONNECT--as unimportant, most of us can tell. 

Talking is often a way to connect--and the subject matter is much less important than connecting, knowing the people around us take an interest in us and what is important to us, even if it doesn't seem important to them. 

If you pay too much attention to "the topic," without recognizing the importance of the act of connecting, and then make judgments that "the topic" isn't important enough for your full attention, you are missing a chance to connect AND sending a message that connecting isn't very important. Be careful unless that is what you want to do.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Okeydokie, that's dangerous ground, b/c all of us want to feel WE are important to our significant others, and when someone deems our concerns--or our NEED TO CONNECT--as unimportant, most of us can tell.
> 
> Talking is often a way to connect--and the subject matter is much less important than connecting, knowing the people around us take an interest in us and what is important to us, even if it doesn't seem important to them.
> 
> If you pay too much attention to "the topic," without recognizing the importance of the act of connecting, and then make judgments that "the topic" isn't important enough for your full attention, you are missing a chance to connect AND sending a message that connecting isn't very important. Be careful unless that is what you want to do.


yeah, thats what i was saying, you just used more words (see what i mean?) 

men need to put more importance on listening to their wives, no doubt about it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> incidentally, i absolutely do listen to my wife...when I have deemed the subject important. She will overly discuss things that really aren't important, except to her. thats the key to listening. if she is discussing it a man needs to deem it important.


Over the years, I realized that my husband interrupts me when I talk. With his OWN subject. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have your SO 'deem' that what YOU want to talk about is so trivial or irrelevant that you need to surplant it with something else that YOU deem is more worthy of conversation?

After about 20 years - and a round of therapy wherein he realized what he did was harmful, vowed to stop it, and didn't - I just quit talking. And he never even noticed.

Your strategy is very dangerous for your relationship, IMO. I realize you say you ARE listening to her, but in the same post, you are injecting your judgment that you will listen whether what she says is 'really important' or not. That is called Disrespectful Judgment and can be the death knell for a marriage. I just spent an entire weekend with a husband who made such 'judgments' on my contributions without even saying a word about it (and thus giving me no opportunity to defend myself), and I'm ready to walk.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Okeydokie, I do not think we were saying the same thing at all, as Tunera has also pointed out. If you think your wife doesn't sense when you are passing judgment on her need to connect, you could be in for a surprise--and not the good kind. Your use of the phrase, "overly discuss things that aren't important" demonstrates that you really are NOT listening, b/c the need is to connect, and if she needs to feel connected and you are denying her satisfaction, then you are rejecting her. It isn't about WHAT she thinks is important, it's about WHY she's talking to you.

It's a very different matter if a spouse is so emotionally needy that it drives you crazy--therapy is in order then. But simply tuning out because she seems to be talking incessantly is a big mistake--it's ignoring the need. You may not be able to meet the need--that's ok if you acknowledge it and help her find ways to deal with the need when it might be excessive; ignoring it is not.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

turnera said:


> Over the years, I realized that my husband interrupts me when I talk. With his OWN subject. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have your SO 'deem' that what YOU want to talk about is so trivial or irrelevant that you need to surplant it with something else that YOU deem is more worthy of conversation?
> 
> After about 20 years - and a round of therapy wherein he realized what he did was harmful, vowed to stop it, and didn't - I just quit talking. And he never even noticed.
> 
> Your strategy is very dangerous for your relationship, IMO. I realize you say you ARE listening to her, but in the same post, you are injecting your judgment that you will listen whether what she says is 'really important' or not. That is called Disrespectful Judgment and can be the death knell for a marriage. I just spent an entire weekend with a husband who made such 'judgments' on my contributions without even saying a word about it (and thus giving me no opportunity to defend myself), and I'm ready to walk.



so what we have here is the typical, "man needs to change" thread. what about the ladies, can they possibly recognize that it might help to condense their thoughts when they verbalize them? can they stop rambling? seriously, lets meet in the middle here.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sisters359 said:


> Okeydokie, I do not think we were saying the same thing at all, as Tunera has also pointed out. If you think your wife doesn't sense when you are passing judgment on her need to connect, you could be in for a surprise--and not the good kind. Your use of the phrase, "overly discuss things that aren't important" demonstrates that you really are NOT listening, b/c the need is to connect, and if she needs to feel connected and you are denying her satisfaction, then you are rejecting her. It isn't about WHAT she thinks is important, it's about WHY she's talking to you.
> 
> It's a very different matter if a spouse is so emotionally needy that it drives you crazy--therapy is in order then. But simply tuning out because she seems to be talking incessantly is a big mistake--it's ignoring the need. You may not be able to meet the need--that's ok if you acknowledge it and help her find ways to deal with the need when it might be excessive; ignoring it is not.



first off i dont think my wife would tell you that i dont listen to her. secondly she is an admitted gaggle puss, and we often have a nice laugh about that. thirdly, at times her timing sucks, like right when i walk in from work she will bombard me with everything and guess what, i wont be listening.

i have repeatedly stated that this is a definate area for improvement from most men in their relationship with their wives.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> so what we have here is the typical, "man needs to change" thread. what about the ladies, can they possibly recognize that it might help to condense their thoughts when they verbalize them? can they stop rambling? seriously, lets meet in the middle here.


 IDK, can you EXPAND _your_ thoughts? It's the same thing. Why should she have to condense? What if she needs YOU to expand? Are you willing to do that?

To me, it sounds more like you just don't think her way of doing things is the right way, yours is, so she should change.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> first off i dont think my wife would tell you that i dont listen to her. secondly she is an admitted gaggle puss, and we often have a nice laugh about that. thirdly, at times her timing sucks, like right when i walk in from work she will bombard me with everything and guess what, i wont be listening.
> 
> i have repeatedly stated that this is a definate area for improvement from most men in their relationship with their wives.


I've seen this a LOT in problem marriages. The way they fix it is for the H to say 'I need 15 minutes to decompress when I get home, and then I'll be HAPPY to listen to you, ok?'

Unless you just don't really want to listen?

Not criticizing, just asking.


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> this is the number one pitfall for most men, inability to adjust their mindset (fix and repair) to the female mindset (analyze. discuss, plan, re-plan, make list, alot time, change mind, re-plan, etc.).


First of all :lol: Thank you for my first lol of the day! It’s so very true, the black and white differences in the mindsets. 




okeydokie said:


> so what we have here is the typical, "man needs to change" thread. what about the ladies, can they possibly recognize that it might help to condense their thoughts when they verbalize them? can they stop rambling? seriously, lets meet in the middle here.


THIS is the very same problem H and I stumbled onto recently. I need to talk out our conflicts; he doesn’t. He talks loudly when he gets animated; I take harsh tones offensively. The latter is a fundamental difference in the way we were raised which I pointed out. So his question… why do I have to change to the way you do it? Honestly, okeydokie, I don’t have an answer for this one and he stopped me in my tracks when he asked. 

When it comes down to it, I don’t think he should have to start doing things my way for himself nor should I start doing things his way. But we do need to understand that we process things differently and cut each other a little slack in that regard. It takes patience but the problems start when we lose that patience and start expecting our SO to behave the way we want them to.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

WantsHappiness said:


> First of all :lol: Thank you for my first lol of the day! It’s so very true, the black and white differences in the mindsets.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



i dont think either should have to change to the others way, its about compromising in the middle. give and take. those couples that figure that out are going to do ok.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

turnera said:


> IDK, can you EXPAND _your_ thoughts? It's the same thing. Why should she have to condense? What if she needs YOU to expand? Are you willing to do that?
> 
> To me, it sounds more like you just don't think her way of doing things is the right way, yours is, so she should change.



your off base, i never said man is right woman is wrong. again i will re-state that men can improve for the better in the listening department, they need a little help.


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> i dont think either should have to change to the others way, its about compromising in the middle. give and take. those couples that figure that out are going to do ok.


I agree! A little compromise on both ends goes a long way


----------

