# Those with kids - When/Did you tell your ex about the new person in your life?



## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

How long were you with the new person before you introduced your kid(s)? Did you tell your ex and if so how? How did he/she respond?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I told my x anytime I introduced our kids to a new GF which has been twice. Her response was indifference


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I told my x anytime I introduced our kids to a new GF which has been twice. Her response was indifference


How long were you with each girl before you told your ex?


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

My ex and I discussed that and we decided that if we were dating someone for 3 months and decided it was serious we would introduce them to the kids. We didn't want them to meet anyone before that time because it would be hard on them to lose someone else.


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

actually at the time of our divorce we said 6 months, but then when we actually started dating other people and realized how long that was we modified it


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I was dating my girlfriend for 7 months before I introduced the kids to her.

I introduced the idea of their mother and I dating new people about 3 months before that to get them used to the idea. Then, about a month later I told them about her. Showed them pictures of her. Told them she is anxious to meet them. 

I did it slow and gradual and I'm gold I did. I was completely open and honest with them and I glad I was. 

In contrast, their mother introduced her boyfriend to them as a "friend". He was actually her affair partner for the previous 2 years. They've since split after months of breaking up and getting back together. 

Be honest and truthful above all else. Do what you can be proud of months and years later. Don't have regrets. 

As for telling your X? Depends on your relationship. I say it's none of their business.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I told my kids after a few months that I was dating Mr H and that I was happy. It was close to 12 months before we met each others kids, were on the same page with this and did not want to push too fast to introduce our kids. We had sought professional advice on this issue and have done a great job of slowly blending our families.

Ex and I are amicable and I told him about my new relationship at around the 3 month mark, wanted to tell him before I told the kids.

Some people jump in way too soon and it can be really hard on the kids. Our advice was that it is at least 12 months before you have any idea if a relationship is going to be long term and not to introduce kids until you are certain the relationship is a good one.
Fine to tell them you are dating, mention the persons name and that you are happy. Kids don't need to be bombarded with details of the new person in your life.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband introduced our son to his new girlfriend after they'd been dating about 2 months. He texted me afterwards to let me know he'd introduced them. 

He mentioned that he wouldn't, ideally, have done it so soon. But his weekend with our son happened to coincide with the weekend her child was with her ex-husband, and since she was staying over the whole weekend, he couldn't just not introduce them. I mean, she was sleeping in his bedroom at night, so he had to explain things to our 13 year old. :slap: Apparently, it didn't occur to either of them to re-arrange their plans so as not to surprise our son with Daddy's new girlfriend just 3 months after the divorce.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I'm still single, but my ex introduced her new BF after a short time - a couple months maybe? Apparently the kids told my mom that the other night, he came home with a tattoo of her on his chest and spent the entire night shaking and crying on the bathroom floor. Lol. I'm sure he won't regret that decision.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

cyclone said:


> How long were you with the new person before you introduced your kid(s)? Did you tell your ex and if so how? How did he/she respond?


You tell the kids when you feel it is serious enough.. The usual time I have read on the forums is 6 to 8 months..

The Ex ? Why ? They no longer are part of YOUR life.. You both have kids in common that is it..

I am assuming you guys are in good standings. But either way I just don't get it. There is a reason why you guys are divorced. What exactly is the the requirement or faux foe loyalty to your Ex ?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> I was dating my girlfriend for 7 months before I introduced the kids to her.
> 
> I introduced the idea of their mother and I dating new people about 3 months before that to get them used to the idea. Then, about a month later I told them about her. Showed them pictures of her. Told them she is anxious to meet them.
> 
> ...


Gosh, I feel this is a page out of my dating playbook. It makes you a hero to your kids and your partner.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Gosh, I feel this is a page out of my dating playbook. It makes you a hero to your kids and your partner.



Well, if memory serves, you were one of those posting on my thread back then advising this approach. 

So technically, it is a page out of your playbook.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

LOL. I'm a living testament to the fact that it definitely works!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

We went about a year. We met at a neutral place the first few times and kind of "pretended" that she just showed up. It was like, "Oh Hey! These are my kids. Kids meet my friend."

They really liked her, so after a few times of this we set something up fun to do together. Maybe after a half a dozen visits I let them know we were dating.

My kids absolutely adore my girlfriend so I don't think it was a big deal for them.


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## WilliamPenn (Nov 15, 2014)

I've heard the three month rule - but I'd go closer to six


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Healer said:


> Apparently the kids told my mom that the other night, he came home with a tattoo of her on his chest and spent the entire night shaking and crying on the bathroom floor. Lol. I'm sure he won't regret that decision.


Oh dear God. It's like watching a trainwreck. Lol.

So the tattoo made him cry? I am not understanding the connection.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh dear God. It's like watching a trainwreck. Lol.
> 
> So the tattoo made him cry? I am not understanding the connection.


I'm not entirely sure. That's all I got from my mom and she didn't know either. I must admit I found it amusing though.

Trainwreck - that should be her next tattoo - right across her forehead. Thankfully I jumped off that locomotive.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I wanted to feel like they were going to be in my life for a good while - that they had husband potential. I only broke that rule once because a guy I dated introduced his kids right away - he didn't date anyone his kids didn't approve of.

So for the others I waited until the 6 month mark. She knew I was dating them and usually an informal setting was chosen like a cookout with other people so it wasn't one-on-one so much. Just enough to acclimate to them being around and seeing me interact with him. It seems to work the best. And I've let her know my degree of seriousness - mostly that I like him and we are dating and will see where it goes. And when it's been over, I tell her why - none of them have been messy which is nice. And after a messy divorce is nice to know it's not me - that i can have a friendly parting of ways.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> So the tattoo made him cry? I am not understanding the connection.


Perhaps it was because, ya know, _the stupid_....it buuurrrns...


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

It should be a minimum of a YEAR in my opinion, the kids do not choose this, their needs and feelings should be paramount. If one of the two wants to have a new relationship, fine! The children do not need to be part of it at all. Every new spouse going through that revolving door just damages those innocent little souls even more, which will perpetuate a cycle of marriage breakdowns IMO.

My exwife will move on sooner than me. She was probably cheating on me so had moved on before I even knew LOL, but even still, should I meet another woman, I would wait a very long time before I allowed her within a hemisphere of my kids.

As much as I hate her, my kids have only ONE mother, and they do not need another, that would merely be disgusting selfishness on my part to afflict my needs on their growing minds and broken little hearts.

Let them keep the memory of their family as long as they can


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

On the flip side (and this is the cynical realist in me), does it matter - 3 months, 6 months, 2 years...50% of marriages end in divorce, and I'm sure the percentage of post divorce relationships that end is even higher than that. So what's the difference? 

Playing devil's advocate here. Can you explain to your kids, if they're old enough, look, I'm dating this person. Dating doesn't necessarily mean we will get married and be together for ever. That's reality. I don't know - I struggle with this.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Healer said:


> Playing devil's advocate here. Can you explain to your kids, if they're old enough, look, I'm dating this person. Dating doesn't necessarily mean we will get married and be together for ever. That's reality. I don't know - I struggle with this.


Sure you can. How you handle this depends on how old they are. I waited 6 months and my kids are teens, plus they were still reeling from the divorce. Meeting my friend brought up a whole lot of things from each of them which we are still sifting through. I think seeing that I could be happy with someone else was the death knell in their minds for the father and I. 

They have only met one person and he will be around for awhile. I have no plans to remarry or live with him in the near future and if something like that happens, they will be out of the house by then. I am not a big believer of cohabitating with kids in the house. I do have 100% custody though, so that probably makes a difference in how I look at it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I am pretty sure I won't be as careful and protective with my 14-year old son as I would be with a younger child.

That said, I still objected to the way my ex-husband introduced his new girlfriend. Our son and I had only been out of the house for 3 months. The girlfriend was very new - less than 2 months of dating. My ex-husband was still seeing/sleeping with at least 2 other women, despite their relationship being "exclusive", so new girlfriend could have been gone in an instant at that point. And, our son had never met the new girlfriend, in fact did not know his father was dating at all, before he arrived at his father's home to discover she would be staying the entire weekend with them - and not sleeping in the guest room. 

My problem was not that he'd introduced a girlfriend to our son, but that the situation was so insensitively handled.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I am pretty sure I won't be as careful and protective with my 14-year old son as I would be with a younger child.
> 
> That said, I still objected to the way my ex-husband introduced his new girlfriend. Our son and I had only been out of the house for 3 months. The girlfriend was very new - less than 2 months of dating. My ex-husband was still seeing/sleeping with at least 2 other women, despite their relationship being "exclusive", so new girlfriend could have been gone in an instant at that point. And, our son had never met the new girlfriend, in fact did not know his father was dating at all, before he arrived at his father's home to discover she would be staying the entire weekend with them - and not sleeping in the guest room.
> 
> My problem was not that he'd introduced a girlfriend to our son, but that the situation was so insensitively handled.


Yes, that is not right...on a number of different levels.
Does your son know why your marriage broke up?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Fenix said:


> Yes, that is not right...on a number of different levels.
> Does your son know why your marriage broke up?


In broad strokes, yes. He's aware that his father was unfaithful and cheated on me more than once. He doesn't know specific details or names, or that it was long-term serial cheating. I would answer questions he had about the circumstances honestly if asked, but didn't feel the need to volunteer any more information than the basics. He's bright and empathetic and almost strangely observant for a child, though, so I imagine he's put a good number of the pieces together on his own.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Rowan said:


> In broad strokes, yes. He's aware that his father was unfaithful and cheated on me more than once. He doesn't know specific details or names, or that it was long-term serial cheating. I would answer questions he had about the circumstances honestly if asked, but didn't feel the need to volunteer any more information than the basics. He's bright and empathetic and almost strangely observant for a child, though, so I imagine he's put a good number of the pieces together on his own.


So similar to my story. With that history, I think the fact that his Dad introduced his 'gf'' to your son so early is a problem, but it is one that you can't do anything about.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

cyclone said:


> How long were you with each girl before you told your ex?


Both were 8 weeks to 3 months. It always coincided with when I was going to introduce my kids to them


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

I never told my ex wife. She didn't tell be she was banging another dude when we were separated, nor when she started dating her current fiancee. Likewise I didn't tell her when I started banging my rebound after she and I split, or when I started dating my current GF. I found out through our daughter, so my ex finds out the same way. It's none of her business and I give her the exact same amount of consideration she gave me in these matters. 

She gets what she gives. No more. I owe her nothing beyond what the divorce judgment stipulates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Actually it was my kids who brought it up. 
I was prepared to let it go for a good six months.

My oldest said to me "Daddy you ought to find someone young, hot and rich!" She was thirteen at the time and I joked that I might like a "nice college girl".
Missy was taking classes at the time. 
Yuks all around and they said that they were really okay with it and that I deserved to be with someone special.
My girls really are great.

Fast forward another month and Missy had been over for the weekend. She had made banana muffins and brought them.

Well my kids, god bless their very observant hearts, noticed that it was a kind of container I dont use, carefully observed that I rarely bake, and then sampled the muffins.

They asked where I got the muffins from and I told them "a friend made them for me".
This was immediately followed by a "Oooooooooo...what _KIND_ of friend?! Does she cook for you a lot? Is she hot?"

Apparently the girls were very curious about my taste in women.

I WOULD have tried to keep it quiet, but my girls are far too observant to let it go. My youngest had noticed that I was keeping the house cleaner and noticed dog hair on the couch...which she brought to her teacher to identify!

My oldest noticed that clothes were being folded differently...well just plain folded... and that I often had leftovers that indicated larger meals than usual when I am alone.

The muffins were the dead giveaway and I was immediately grilled to perfection and then told that they had to meet her soon.
They met her the next weekend.

We are going on three years and I have been explicitly told by the girls that I cannot break up with her.

My girls and her boy are thick as thieves and I am quite happy with Missy as a partner.

I think the answer needs to go with the situation and the people involved, but I am a firm beliver that they should not meet until you are sure you have a good chance of making a go of it.

Tell the ex? 
:rofl:Bwahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!!:rofl:


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