# Wife feels like everyone's b*tch



## JMak00 (Jul 24, 2010)

Married 8 years, two boys (2 & 4), stay-at-home mom.

Wifey and I have been having some difficult times to say the least. Long story short...I've neglected our marriage for several years, e.g., angry outbursts, withdrawing, verbal abuse (lecturing, complaining loudly, etc) and over the last year I have recognized, taken responsibility, and started counseling and making real changes and progress.

Wifey doesn't hold herself in high regard, feels weak for tolerating my behavior and feels low about herself because she kept accepting promises of change and was met with consistent failures on my part. She holds herself in low regard because she kept taking me back and I failed to change and her hope and faith were dashed. I had a recent lapse, crossed a boundary or two, and she was back to considering divorce. But she decided to remain in the marriage and is willing to work to improve the marriage.

She expressed tonight that she feels depressed - tired, unmotivated to exercise, play with kids, unwilling to talk to counselor because of time and money, and skeptical that any effort I might make to introduce flexibility into her schedule would work (I offered to arrange my work schedule to give her time during the day to see counselor if she chose, work out without having kids distract/need attention, etc).

But then she mentioned, again, that she feels like she's everyone *****, i.e., that both boys (2 & 4) basically own her. And, sometimes, it does seem that way. Basically, she gives up when she's no longer willing to tolerate the bickering, fighting, or screaming. She wants to do something with the kids, but one of them refuses to get dressed because he can't wear a shirt he wants to (dirty, can't find, etc.), so she stays home with kids. Youngest removes dipaer, she puts it on, he takes it off, screams while putting it back on, wash, rinse, repeat. 

My wife is generally a very low-key, tolerant person who is willing to put up with a lot before getting really upset, frustrated, whatever. But she's now mentioned this "being the boys' [email protected]" several times over the last few months. She feels that she's enabling certain behaviors. Feels that the kids do what they want instead of what she wants to do.

Coupled with being a stay-ay-home mom, not having a job and feeling unproductive, and the crappiness that has been our marriage for several years...I can understand the feelings.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I want to be supportive, but don't know how.

The kids don't behave similarly when I am around, mostly because they get that I'll impose consequences and I'll win the stare-down, i.e., they'll get dressed, get in the car, and go when I want to. But wifey doesn't get that kind of response from the kids.

I'd love some advice, insight, criticism (?)...

Thanks in advance.


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## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

What you did to her is what my Wife is currently doing to me.

I commend you for trying to change your behavior toward your Wife, that's something my Wife would never consider doing... You have to understand that 8 years or 4 years for that matter of being beaten down can take a heavy toll on a person, they break down and submit to the abuse from their abuser... Part of the reason she holds herself in low regard is because of what you've done to her emotionally... Sounds like she has incredibly low self esteem, that's to be expected from the anger and verbal abuse you inflicted on her.. What you did has it's consequences and now your scrambling to repair it because she's coming to her senses and wants to leave you. I cant blame her one bit... If I could talk to her, I'd do my best to talk her into leaving you, Kids or no kids. I have 2 of my own, so I'm in the SAME boat as she's in.

You really want to save your marriage? Get outside help and be prepared to make some serious changes, and just maybe she'll start feeling like a Human being again.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think your wife may be stretched to the limit, and feeling lost and depressed.

She feels she can't count on you and needs to know she can in fact do that. You can help by making sure you do not let her down again. Do the things you say you are going to do, and offer lots of support. 

Make sure she has plenty of breaks from parenting too, as two small children can be very exhausting..

It sounds like she is burnt out from giving, and this can make the small things seem so big and unable to get passed.

Maybe you guys need to look at some parenting approaches together, emphasize that it's for both of you, so that you can both learn to creatively and constructively parent two very young children with minimal stress.

I found with my young son, reminding myself that he was just a small child and this time passes so quickly often helped me. I used to think if he threw a tantrum over not wearing something that it was just a tantrum, and there will be more, but that I was going to have a good day any way. 

With things like the shirt, I find it's best to have a strategy ready, if for instance one child allways is fussy about dressing you need to give them a reasonable choice. Get out two sets of clothes and tell the child to pick which one. Often that helps because they feel like they have a voice too. If a tantrum then ensues, you say "We connot go to the park untill you are dressed, if you do not wish to go, I will wait untill daddy comes home and take (insert other child's name here) and you will stay home. If you wish to get dressed and come along, that would be great" then go about your day happily. the child then knows that they will not prevent you from doing what needs to be done, they also have a choice. if you all need to go somewhere then you can change it to "We are all going, but seeing as you are not going to be dressed you have to wait in the car with dad untill you get dressed" then don't mention it again and go about your day.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Can I ask an unrelated question? What made you realize the negative behavior and what made you change your behavior? I think it's awesome that you did and I agree with the other posters time, consistency and rest will go a long way towards healing things,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Syrum said:


> It sounds like she is burnt out from giving, and this can make the small things seem so big and unable to get passed.


This is true. It's going to take time with your wife... It's been a year since you recognized your neglect of the marriage and it's awesome that you are trying to make things right. It sounds like you are on the right path AND your wife is communicating her issues with you, which is also awesome! She could retreat and shut down, but it sounds like she too is willing to work on this... She just may not be ready to see a counselor yet.

Quick story, my twins would treat me like a joke... They would run to me for comfort or play, but the minute I tried to be strict with them, it was a joke... Very frustrating! And I thought my H was too strict on them, so I was a softy... Backfired in a big way because I found them simply not listening to me when it came time to do something, anything, put a diaper on, dress, go to sleep, etc., but damn it they listened to my H in a big way! It would frustrate me to no end and if my H had to work late, I would get so mad at HIM because I was faced with trying to get these little demons to bed on my own, which I knew was a joke! Then during a marriage counseling session, it was discussed... The counselor helped me to see that my children needed boundaries and discipline and I had to be the one to be firm with them and most importantly, be consistent. 

I know that's only one aspect of your W's situation, but it did make being around my children way more enjoyable than it had been!


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