# A man in need of a lady's help...



## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

Quick Bio:
-Married for 7 years
-2 Kids, 5 and 2
-Both full time workers


On to the point of my thread. I am a bit lost in how to get what I want in my marriage. And frankly, I htink I have lost the battle long ago. 

A week ago, my wife got a bit emotional when she said to me "I was in the shower this AM after you got up with the girls and dog and I realized that if I ever told someone everything you do that they'd wonder why I ever complain. You take care of the girls every morning, including weekends. You clean, you cook every night. You do the bath and bed time routines with me. (jokingly) I could never go to a therapist with you because I am sure that they would convince you that you should leave me."

So, I was intrigued by her feelings of gratitude and I wanted to probe a bit. The catalyst was a silly fight she caused (her admission) earlier in the week. When we got to how I feel it was a surprise, I don't feel that way. I know I do more than 50%, more than any father we know. But, that's because I can and because I want to. Sure, a little cuz I have to, but my point is I don't see it as a negative. 

It evolved into her admitting that "I should treat you better, speak to you with more respect and not take you for granted." I told her that I hadn't been consumed by these thoughts, but if that were the outcome that I would be appreciative. We also discussed that the other area that I would like to be appreciated is sexually. We have long discussed our sexual disconnect and it centers around libido differences. 

We have had similar talks before where my wife pledges to do better, usually on the heels of a fight. This time was different, she brought it up, seemed to reach an epiphany.

My question - how do I make this stick? How can I get my reward for the effort? 

Thanks in advance


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

This sounds so eerily familiar to what I'm going through with my husband, I had to respond. I don't have answers, as I'm still working through this myself, but I can share my experience so far. I'm sure others will have lots of good advice for you 

My husband is *just like you*. He cleans, he cooks, he gets up with our son, he puts him to bed, and he works full-time. I'm so ashamed that it's gotten to this point because when we first got married, we split responsibilities pretty evenly amongst ourselves. 

However, he's a really nice guy and can't help but step up when I don't feel well. So after I had our son, he started helping out around the house more. And I eventually learned to take advantage of that and step down from some of my responsibilities. Now, I have a husband who treats me like a queen and takes care of me all the time. I should really respect him for that, right? Apparently it doesn't work like that with me.

I've been taking advantage of him for so long that I've lost my respect for him. I'm so embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. I take him for granted every single day. And yet, somehow, I found myself unhappy with him and with our marriage. What's up with that? What am I supposed to do, talk to someone and tell them I'm not happy with my husband, despite that fact that he's more amazing than any man I know?

The problem, I've recently discovered, was that he *let* me walk on him and treat him like a doormat. I'm a dominant person and I need him to hold his ground and not let me trample on him. Now that I've realized what I've been doing for so long, I've *really* backed off and have made an enormous effort to give him respect and not manipulate or take him for granted. However, on the other end of the spectrum, I also need him to step up and not take my crap(so to speak). I really need him to tap into some Alpha traits and really stand up to me. 

He's having a hard time understanding why I'm unhappy because he's done nothing but lay himself down at my feet for 5 years, trying to please me. What he didn't realize(and neither did I), was that I didn't need that from him at all. I needed him to be strong and to be a person who demanded respect. That doesn't mean him not taking care of the baby, but it means that I shouldn't expect him to work full-time and then take care of things I can or should be doing myself. Does that make sense?

We've talked about it a lot recently and I've apologized so many times, but apologies aren't enough. I have to change and so does he, if we want to avoid the mistakes we've made for the past 5 years. 

In any case, I don't know how much of this applies to your situation or if you can take anything from it, but I just wanted to share my story since I feel like your story could be my husband's. Looking forward to seeing what other advice you get


----------



## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

MGirl - that is my fear, of waking up one morning and saying to myself "How the heck did I get here?" 

I recognized the need to stand up to her a couple of years ago, for our mutual benefit. I have gotten much better at it and learned to recognize the behavior. 

I was very much the alpha male in other relationships, and I know that I have lost a lot of that through the years of doing "what needed to get done". 

Thanks for sharing!


----------



## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

I kind of have a similar story.
My wife and I were watching something on tv and the girl was a total princess. Her guy did everything for her. She demanded it though. My wife looked at me and said, "you treat me like a princess hun." I almost fell off the bed. 1) my wife is not the princess type. She is very strong, wears the jeans in the marriage type. I have always realized how much I do compared to many others but always said that it was what I wanted. 
I noticed you said that you want to hold her to it and get rewarded for your efforts. Try not to be like that. I think that your wife recognizing what you do is VERY rewarding. Some people don't even get that. And if you continually expect something and put it on your time line, you'll end up disappointed and start to regress. 
You best believe that'll get noticed quickly...
Take it for what it was. Keep up being a great husband and loving father. It sounds like your wife truly does appreciate it all and wants to tell/show you better. Let her do it on her time. Once she does, she'll do it more and with less effort...

Good luck!
Not like you need it. You're doing everything right now and the wifey openly admits it!!! :smthumbup:


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sad - This might be the perfect time to renegotiate your relationship. Something like, know that you mention it, I've been thinking things are unbalanced. Get her to take some more responsibility and YOU take the initiative to get a life outside your marriage/kids. Find a hobby, sports team, etc, and make yourself a priority. Most likely, she'll respect you more for doing it.


----------



## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

seeking sanity said:


> Sad - This might be the perfect time to renegotiate your relationship. Something like, know that you mention it, I've been thinking things are unbalanced. Get her to take some more responsibility and YOU take the initiative to get a life outside your marriage/kids. Find a hobby, sports team, etc, and make yourself a priority. Most likely, she'll respect you more for doing it.


Sanity - great points. I already have more hobbies and interests than one man should. But, I usually tailor them around family time. For example in the summer months I play golf, but I get up and tee-off before 6am and try to to be home by 7:30am with bagels or donuts. 

Just a guy - no one is keeping score, my tone may have seemed that way. But, my real goal is that I deserve to be treated better, an admission that my wife has made several times before and I just don't want this to be an empty promise.
Believe me, having someone tell you that they appreciate you and someone showing that they appreciate you can be two different things.


----------



## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

I understand.
And I agree 100% that being told and shown are 2 separate things with one feeling better than the other. Hopefully her admitting is a start to showing soon.
My apologies for the accusations.
I am seriously in the same boat that you are. My 'resentment' if you will, towards my wife has come from lack of intimacy. She finally got on board with me after 2 years of very very little and 8 months of none at all. She told her doc at her latest appointment and her doc told her to seek out counseling. It would mean stepping out of her comfort zone. She made sure to recomend some really good therapists. 
My wife has her first session Thursday!


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Sad_in_NY said:


> Believe me, having someone tell you that they appreciate you and someone showing that they appreciate you can be two different things.


That's an excellent insight. You need to take responsibility for the fact that you've allowed this to happen. Your wife has given you an in to correct things with minimal conflict, which is great. As you spend more time on these boards you'll run into this "nice guy" concept - which is basically trying to get your needs met by being nice, doing things for your wife, taking on more and more, in the hope she'll suddenly appreciate you, have sex more often, etc. It usually works in the opposite: The more "nice" things you do, the less she cares, the less invested she gets, and the less sex you get. When you dig down, you realize that the "giving" comes with strings and it's not genuine. Like anything there is a balance. 

If you like doing all the things you do, and you honestly do them out of desire to do them and not to try and get something from your wife, then no harm, no foul. If you feel resentment because of it, then now is the time to address it.

As for her not doing what she says: Getting agreement on who is to do what, allows you to confront her when she fails to deliver. "Honey, you said you were going to do x. That was our agreement."


----------



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I personally think it is wonderful that you do this and feel comfortable with it. It is also nice your wife. Had epiphany about that. I am much like you and I do not understand why people take it for granted,why they consider their mate to be a doormat. The idea of marraige is not to keep score but to compliment each other. There will be times when one partner may do more than the other,but then it balances out.

Go get the book Passionate Marraige. It will address the intimate needs of marraige and how to put passion into the marraige. I had a hard time getting in to it but keep reading.It is not what you expect.

As long as you do not feel as if the tasks you are taking on is an issue,then do what you want to do. My hubby also does not think to do other things. Before he would just not do anything. Now I make myself clear. Do not hint,or suggest. I just say I need you to do this because I am busy doing whatever and I won't have time to get that done. It also makes him appreciate all the things I do. 

I hope this helps you. Keep being a great dad. It really makes a difference in your kids life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Cough* Sorry ... carry on.


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Deejo said:


> *Cough* Sorry ... carry on.


Nice! :smthumbup: I didn't know this thread existed!


----------



## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> Keep being a great dad. It really makes a difference in your kids life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

You get big kudos for this, by the way, I forgot to mention it earlier! One of the biggest things I love and respect about my husband is the fact that he is such an amazing dad...it sounds like you're doing a great job taking care of your girls so much. Just wanted to throw you some encouragement!


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Now, she wants you to be dorminant, spontaneous and a bit selfish (notselfish in bedroom thou) and not too Mr Nice!


----------



## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

Check out the thread 'non-sexual touching' in the men's lounge.
Relates to this topic...


----------



## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> Now, she wants you to be dorminant, spontaneous and a bit selfish (notselfish in bedroom thou) and not too Mr Nice!


You are correct. She refers to wanting me to be more dominant and more selfish, but when I make the honest attempt (bedroom or elsewhere) it causes grief.

It is true, I have enable this behavior and it is up to me to fight for the change and get to the place where we need to be.


----------



## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

You should start outside bedroom first so that she can respond better in bedroom.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sad,
You don't need a ladies help. You need to stand up. This isn't about her it is about you. And frankly when you LET her speak to you with disrespect 2 very toxic things happen:
- Her DESIRE for you erodes
- Her happiness with the marriage decreases

And THAT is all on you. There are a lot of simple, easy ways to shape your partners BAD behavior so it stops. Tolerating bad behavior is bad for everyone in the house. 

Counting on your W to "control" herself AND stick up for you is not realistic. If you think your behavior and her libido her not tightly connected you are sadly mistaken. 

See my post below from another thread. This applies to any married man.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Deejo, 
This thread - and your comment has been incredibly illuminating to me. 

It caused me to ask myself a question. 

Is my W a controlling beitch intent on emotionally castrating me and achieving total dominion over our house?
OR
Is my W an honest, fair, intelligent, hilariously funny, considerate, loving person who is ALSO rather aggressive in mostly a very positive manner with the exception of some moderate, but manageable boundary issues? (sorry for the run on sentence)

It sure seems like the answer has absolutely nothing to do with her and EVERYTHING to do with me. And so instead of asking what SHE is, perhaps better to ask what "I" am. 

Am I the strong man she married, who is still striving to reach his full potential and full of positive energy? Or am I the passive / aggressive, conflict avoidant man that I could all too easily turn into? 

At the level of fusion she and I have achieved - the answer to my question IS the answer to her question. 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>





Sad_in_NY said:


> Quick Bio:
> -Married for 7 years
> -2 Kids, 5 and 2
> -Both full time workers
> ...


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sad,

You sound like a really nice guy.

That is at the root of your problems.

Please read through the links I'm posting.

Much truth contained therein.

We're ready to discuss it with you in the Men's Clubhouse

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


----------

