# Still in Love or just scared to move on?



## Wifenotamom (Mar 10, 2011)

I have been with my husband for over 4 years now. Married for one and a half of those.

Hes emotionally unavailable, he NEVER compliments me or is grateful for all I do for him. We have all but stopped having sex. ( once in the last 4 months) He drinks nightly simple to get drunk, and goes to the bar almost every night also. ( I drink daily too but not to his extent by far). He wiped us out of most our money ( THE BAR ). Hes negative alot. In the past he has picked on my weight ( Im a whopping 155 lbs)Says he wont be married to a fat chick. Yes, in those words.

I do everything for him and I mean everything. I enjoy taking care of the man I love, however it hurts soooooo much to get nothing in return. No compromise, never asks how I feel, if Im happy. It's torture sometimes. We have been over this 40 times...I tell him Im not happy, I need more from him, I need LOVE above all. HE just says he loves me, and sweeps it all under his big fat rug.

Ok, now some good. We get along great when we are both sober. We have alot in common. We love to fish, go to the cabin, the outdoors, we are both only children, and happily agree on not having any ourselves. We both work hard and have full time jobs. Honestly, the last 4 years I have simply ADORED him. Maybe it was the challenge he always brought by never completely "setteling down" and giving up his bachelor ways.I love him. 

I feel I deserve so much more though. We are like roomates. I told him I wanted a seperation, but I havent found a place yet to move to ( he refuses to leave). Says he doesnt want me to go. I just dont know what to do anymore. This is my second marriage, and its much hared leaving then my previous one and I was with that man for 15 years.

Any advise?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You guys need MC if you want to fix this. My MC story is in my profile. 

You guys are 100% stuck where you are at. Nothing you or him says will get you unstuck without help. You both need to change.

You are both hurting and don't know the way out.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hello and welcome to the board,

I'm a husband with kids but I can still relate to some of what you've shared. My wife is also emotionally unavailable, can't compliment me, poor communicator, etc. I know how frustrating that can be. We've been to marriage counseling, but the whole time she just didn't get it. She's happy with the way things are and she doesn't understand why I want something different.

I enjoyed reading the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. It's not rocket science and alot of it is obvious, but I think it does help point out to our spouses who aren't as emotionally developed as us, that in fact there is a better way to contribute to a relationship. The book talks about how there are 5 basic ways we speak love (words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, quality time, and acts of service). We usually try to show love in the language that we speak, but usually your partner doesn't speak the same language so they don't "hear" it. Maybe if the two of you can understand each other better and what your needs are, you can more effectively show your love to each other. If you haven't read the book yet, it can't hurt to pick up a copy and see if it at least gives you some clarity. Ask your husband to read it too and y'all can talk about it together (a little mini-MC at home).

If he won't let you finish all of your thoughts when you talk to him about your unhappiness, then write him a letter and ask him to read it. If he's not willing to absorb and take your feelings serious, then that's a big problem and not one you should tolerate. 

It seems he has lost control of his restraint when drinking. Let him know that his drinking problem is not only bad for his health and worrisome, but is only driving a wedge in your marriage. Suggest that both of you quit drinking all together as a way of you supporting his change.

Sorry to ramble on.


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## Wifenotamom (Mar 10, 2011)

Thank you both for your replies. I was so glad to find some "real" support online vs going to your friends who are quick to say "divorce" as they are biased.

Hoopsfan....I love to read, and especially self help. Hopefully they might have a kindle version so I can get it right away.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

I agree that the drinking seems to be part of, if not the cause of the the problems. Would it be possible to cut down? If not on his part, on your part? Perhaps if he sees you cutting down, it'll make him want to cut down...


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

I agree with this. I'm a little uncertain about the power of good example in these situations - it's definitely backfired on me at times - but it's not as if taking some time off from drinking would do anyone any harm. Make it maybe a month, find another way to fill that time - ideally something he'd notice. Are you Catholic? Lent is a good time of year to do without something like drinking. Plus, and this is important, don't buy any for him either. 

Oh, and don't knock the knee-jerk reactions of your friends. They know you and him and usually have your interests at heart. They may hope you'll not divorce, but their comments can be their way of telling you they will be there to support you if you do.





Confused-Wife said:


> I agree that the drinking seems to be part of, if not the cause of the the problems. Would it be possible to cut down? If not on his part, on your part? Perhaps if he sees you cutting down, it'll make him want to cut down...


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

Robrobb said:


> Oh, and don't knock the knee-jerk reactions of your friends. They know you and him and usually have your interests at heart. They may hope you'll not divorce, but their comments can be their way of telling you they will be there to support you if you do.


I 100% disagree with this. I _thought_ I had friends that had my interest at heart, but after all the talking/advising was over and I went through with a separation, there was no one to be found to support me. No family, no friends. I have no idea where everyone decided to go, but when the going go tough, they had their own lives to worry about. Then, when I decided to get back together with him and work things out, they told me they were disappointed in me. Why? Because they don't like him and they didn't want me to be with him...not for my sake but for their own. I still love my friends and family and know they love me too, but don't be so quick to think that they have your best interest at heart.

You only have yourself to count on...and at the end of the day YOU are the only one that will be able to make a decision for yourself.


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## Wifenotamom (Mar 10, 2011)

Confused-Wife...

Thanks for that. My conversation with my mother the other day entailed how me asking him to stop going to bars every night was "too much" to ask, that its his way of life and all he knows...she compared it to a bookworm being asked to stop reading, or an athlete stop training.

I dont get it. Reading, excersize, these are all productive things. Hanging out at the bar everynight when your 40 is NOT productive. I understand that its a difficult change for my husband, but, shouldnt I be more important than the damn bar??? And his reasoning to me about the situation is "well I was this way when ya married me, so you knew what you were getting"......OK, true. But doesnt everyone want to grow up and have an actual LIFE at some point?

I have freinds that pull the "non friend card" when I displease them also. Its frustrating.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

I ask myself the exact same questions when my grown husband wants to play beer pong with his retard friends instead of act like a real adult (although he doesn't do it EVERY night). 

My step-dad drinks a lot too. It drives my mom crazy. He isn't violent and drinks at home, but he still just sits and drinks and does nothing else. She has tried everything to get him to stop, with no avail. So what does she do? She just drinks with him...which makes her more upset and more depressed and it just doesn't help the situation.

What do you think it would take for him to stop drinking? Does he know how much it bothers you? Does he consider himself an alcoholic?

Why did your first marraige end?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't agree with your mom. People do change and need to change.

She's right its not a great idea to marry someone that you don't like their lifestyle, but did your husband spend every night in a bar before you were married?

"haveing a life" means really different things to different people. Marriage takes comprimise, and BOTH people need to be able to do it. This might means he get time in a bar and also you get time with him. You both have to give up something.


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## Wifenotamom (Mar 10, 2011)

We met in a bar...he never lets me live that one down, so, yes. He was this way from day one. I used to be that way and when I realized our lives and marriage were heading down the tubes, I stopped altogeather, hoping to set an example. Getting him to stop drinking? NOT an option. He admits hes an alcohilic and is fine with it. 

My first marriage I ended, and 5 years later than I should have ( stayed for the money we both had) That one had all the qualities my current one doesnt, but had a terrible drug habit, before drugs it was gambeling, along with strip clubs. Funny thing is, he treated me ok. I ended up having an affair with my boss, boss got divorced, and I broke off the affair, and my marriage. I just didnt see it right for anyone anymore, and I wanted a clean, fresh start.

He knows I dont mind if he drinks casually at home...its the drunkenness I cannot stand. Just this Saturday night I was awakened in my jammies to go pick up him and his buddies at the bar cause they were piss drunk. Then, hes just discusting to me.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Is MC an option? Stuff like this is classic MC and divorce stuff.

This stuff is super common. Have you read stories in the addiction section or gotten a book on dealing with an alcoholic husband? Do your research and figure something out.


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## Wifenotamom (Mar 10, 2011)

anx said:


> Is MC an option? Stuff like this is classic MC and divorce stuff.
> 
> This stuff is super common. Have you read stories in the addiction section or gotten a book on dealing with an alcoholic husband? Do your research and figure something out.



I would go in a heartbeat. He wont, I cant even get him to go to church with me to just TRY to get a little help.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My wife told me to join her in MC or our relationship would probably die soon.

Get in individual counseling through your church or a womens shelter or something else. Its usually free through the first two.

You won't be happy if this just continues. Figure out a way to get unstuck. Start with individual counseling and books and go from there. Be ready to tell your husband that this isn't ok and you won't be happy if it continues. He will have to choose between what he is doing now and few fewer nights at the bar to have you. I'm not sure what that will look like in your story.


If he isn't willing to do that, you won't be happy in your M.


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