# An almost cheat?



## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

A friend of a friend was drunk and made a passing comment that she "almost went there" with my husband. She said it to another friend, not to me. What would you take from this? That is was mutual, that she almost instigated a liaison, or that he tried to instigate something?
I'm very confused. I don't know whether/if to broach this with my husband.


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

I'd talk to the friend first. Then him. But don't give them time to collude on their stories. Blindside them both. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Suzie1 said:


> A friend of a friend was drunk and made a passing comment *that she "almost went there" with my husband*. She said it to another friend, not to me. *What would you take from this? *That is was mutual, that she almost instigated a liaison, or that he tried to instigate something?
> I'm very confused. I don't know whether/if to broach this with my husband.


Well it is clear that "your friend" told you. 

My first suggestion would be to ask the friend (not the friend of the friend), what she thought it meant. And also thank her for giving you a "head's up." That was very brave of her.

What would I take it to mean? That this other woman wanted to do something much more intimate than flirt with your husband..

Should you broach this with your H? Absolutely, but very carefully as you don't have all the details.
Tell you H that you heard from the grapevine that so and so wanted to have sex with him. Tell him that you trust him. Tell him that you love him. Tell him that if you ever find out he has cheated on you that you will be destroyed and not know what you might be capable of doing.

Then tell him that you find him very desirable, but he needs to understand that other women may also find him desirable and that he needs to control his flirting and make sure he sets boundaries. Tell him you know nothing happened, but you just want to have this conversation to get it all out on the table about expectations.

Good luck.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

The mutual friend who told me this said that she "thought it was weird". Weird is a vague word to use in this instance, so I implored more. She said she thought that her friend/OW had imagined it, and that she should be so lucky if he were interested in her, that he probably spoke to her on a night out in a bar or someplace and that she had gotten carried away in her head. 
I don't know.
Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

If you ain't giving it up Susie, it is likely he won't always turn down some action elsewhere and may even actively seek it. What is it about you that causes you to think he shouldn't seek what you you're not providing? Just my caveat.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

This will eat at you.

time to find out from the "friend" first and then your H.

You need to cut her out of your life.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Hearing that now are they around each other a lot? Or does that connect to something else that you may have brushed off at an earlier time?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Suzie1 said:


> The mutual friend who told me this said that she "thought it was weird". Weird is a vague word to use in this instance, so I implored more. She said she thought that her friend/OW had imagined it, and that she should be so lucky if he were interested in her, that he probably spoke to her on a night out in a bar or someplace and that she had gotten carried away in her head.
> I don't know.
> Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.


You may have a great bond since your needs are getting met. His bond that remains to be seen. Hope sex isn't 
that important to him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Suzie1 said:


> A friend of a friend was drunk and made a passing comment that she "almost went there" with my husband.


My take would be that "there" is a place that is potentially accessible. That would concern me. I'd want more information from this friend of a friend; and then your husband.

The other alternative would be to monitor your husband and say nothing to him while you do. I would qualify this as a red flag for sure.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Did the friend say when? Was it a 'I almost slept with your husband one time before you guys met" or that she almost slept with him while he was married?
Do you know of when they would have been together? How often does he go out to the bar?


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

He doesn't appear to have much of a sex drive either. So, I don't think "there's something about me" that he's not going to cheat, for a better way of putting it.

We've been together a long time, since we were teenagers. I have never cheated on him. I feel that we have a bond. 

No, they are not around each other a lot. I don't think it connects with anything else that I might have brushed off in the past. I have never thought of the sexual side of our relationship as being an issue, until I heard this, and thought it's possible this could have happened if he wasn't happy with our sex life. But he has never told me that he is unhappy with it. I don't turn him down for sex when he instigates it, and he doesn't turn me down when I instigate it. But it is infrequent.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Did the friend say when? Was it a 'I almost slept with your husband one time before you guys met" or that she almost slept with him while he was married?
> Do you know of when they would have been together? How often does he go out to the bar?


She didn't say when. My friend didn't probe any further. We are together a long time, since we were teenagers and all of our adult lives, so anytime that this happened would be an issue.

He goes out maybe twice a month. Not always to the same bar, just out with friends to watch sports, or celebrate a birthday etc.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Suzie1 said:


> The mutual friend who told me this said that she "thought it was weird". Weird is a vague word to use in this instance, so I implored more. She said she thought that her friend/OW had imagined it, and that she should be so lucky if he were interested in her, that he probably spoke to her on a night out in a bar or someplace and that she had gotten carried away in her head.
> I don't know.
> Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.


I wonder if my LD wife thinks we have a "great bond"? I'd call it holding on by a thread.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

Ok, when I said that we "don't have a great sex life", what I should have said is that we have infrequent sex.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Pfft, wow. Those of you who automatically jump on her for the infrequent sex...

Since you mention you're both low drives, are you both satisfied with where you are in regards to your sex life? Do you wish there was more?

Maybe you can bring it up casually to your husband to the effect of: "a friend of ours (yours?) made a weird comment while she was drunk and specifically mentioned you. What's up with that?"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> If you ain't giving it up Susie, it is likely he won't always turn down some action elsewhere and may even actively seek it. What is it about you that causes you to think he shouldn't seek what you you're not providing? Just my caveat.


Maybe because her husband has some integrity and decency?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

'Almost went there' sounds to me as if something happened, but that they didn't go all the way. However, it could mean anything really. I am surprised that your friend didn't ask her what she meant.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its difficult to know what happened if she wont' tell you. Did she "almost" try to seduce him, or did she try to seduce him and "almost" succeed. Big difference. 

Sorry, but I'm one of the people to point out the "don't have a great sex life". I can tell you from experience that it is a LOT easier to resist temptation when your sex life is good than when it is bad. So, if he is not getting the sex that he wants, I think it is worth putting in a real effort to improve things, and if you aren't getting what you want, he should do the same. A good sex life really does help improve all parts of a marriage. 




Suzie1 said:


> The mutual friend who told me this said that she "thought it was weird". Weird is a vague word to use in this instance, so I implored more. She said she thought that her friend/OW had imagined it, and that she should be so lucky if he were interested in her, that he probably spoke to her on a night out in a bar or someplace and that she had gotten carried away in her head.
> I don't know.
> Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think it's important to clarify when this incident actually happened as someone else mentioned.
If this happened while you were married Id definitely talk to your husband about it. 
Definitely de friend your friend, you don't need those types of people around your marriage.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Spoons027 said:


> Pfft, wow. Those of you who automatically jump on her for the infrequent sex...
> 
> Since you mention you're both low drives, are you both satisfied with where you are in regards to your sex life? Do you wish there was more?
> 
> Maybe you can bring it up casually to your husband to the effect of: "a friend of ours (yours?) made a weird comment while she was drunk and specifically mentioned you. What's up with that?"


I have to admit the great bond line triggered me pretty hard. I often get the feeling that she doesn't believe I am missing anything because she is happy. 

It must be hard to maintain a great bond with little physical interaction. The nosy pervert in me wants to know if Susie and Mr Sue substitute some other physical intimacy, like showering together, but that would be a thread jack.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

dawnabon said:


> I'd talk to the friend first. Then him. But don't give them time to collude on their stories. Blindside them both.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


And record both of them so you can go over what was said, so there is no mistake about what they said


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

"It's never anyone's fault but the cheater. They are just immoral people who would cheat even if all their needs were met. Absolutely nothing you did led to them cheating" ... Unless of course you aren't having much sex then it's really not a huge shock and you kind of understand why they might.🙄 

Sex is like any need. Communication, appreciation, acts of service. 
Everyone has ones that are important to them and ones that aren't so much. 
If you aren't getting your needs met from your spouse you are vulnerable to get it from someone else. 

Doesn't seem like OPs husband had a huge need for sex and they likely show and get love in other ways. 

But at least be consistent. If you feel there is never blame on the BS side that contributed to the affair, that includes lack of sex.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> Ok, when I said that we "don't have a great sex life", what I should have said is that we have infrequent sex.


From a man in a marriage that is very disappointed with the frequency .


Open the lines of communications. Ask your husband if he's happy with the amount of sex you're having. 

You say he's low drive also but is he or is he beat down from rejection so he just gave up and takes what you give. 


I think for me it would go a long way if my wife started wanting and desiring sex with me and not starfish sex.
Sex where she reciprocated if she like to recieve oral then she should be giving oral.etc etc etc.

Never hurt to put more effort into your marriage. Its never to late unless resentment buit up to the point of indifference.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Suzie1 said:


> The mutual friend who told me this said that she "thought it was weird". Weird is a vague word to use in this instance, so I implored more. She said she thought that her friend/OW had imagined it, and that she should be so lucky if he were interested in her, that he probably spoke to her on a night out in a bar or someplace and that she had gotten carried away in her head.
> I don't know.
> *Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.*


*Let's just say that the potential of getting your jollies off in the convenient accessibility of another woman's bed can greatly lay waste to marital "bonds!"*


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## Leroi (May 13, 2016)

Sorry for my english in advance, I'm a foreigner

I have to agree with Buttpunch and other commentators. YOU are satisfied, but what about him?
I try to explain what I mean, as I could easily be your husband.

My wife is LD, or at least she doesn't need sex as frequently as I do (2-3 times per month). Communication is almost poor: I did some efforts, she agreed with my desires, but didn't put them in practice. In any case I managed to add some spicey ingredient to our relation.
But when we occasionaly have sex (2-3 a month) she is passionate; sometimes she is also the one who takes initiative.
Is she satisfied? yes. She said so multiple times; she also said she doesn't feel the need for anything new (a different "routine", sex toys, etc).
Am I? no. Not completely, at last. I love to have sex with her, but I'd like more, more often, different.

Do I cheat? no, absolutely. 
Will I be tempted? definitely.
But will I succumb to a "femme fatale"? No way. 
I am married with my wife (14 yrs), I love her, I respect her. Vows are important, and what is more she is the second most important person in the world to me (our 3yo son is the first)

So?
So I think you should talk to your husband, but I think (if he is a normal guy... somentime it looks like the world is plenty of people cheating, but it is NOT, they're a minority) he simply rejected a proposal by your friend's friend.
Maybe he liked to flirt (I do), maybe he was tempted (I would) but nothing happend, I guess.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Drink will often allow people to say silly things... some may be true, but much truth is often lost in passing as the parties place assumptions when interpretations of words, expressions, and body language kick in.

A friend of a friend is already one middleman too many to know what was truly said... just look at our own interpretations here and where we went to it with the forum.

Do you know this friend of a friend well enough to ask her about such a comment?

I always choose to address things like this with the source and it would be wise to resolve this trust crack quickly for when mistrust comes in, love goes out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> The mutual friend who told me this said that she "thought it was weird". Weird is a vague word to use in this instance, so I implored more. She said she thought that her friend/OW had imagined it, and that she should be so lucky if he were interested in her, that he probably spoke to her on a night out in a bar or someplace and that she had gotten carried away in her head.
> I don't know.
> Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.


Honestly?

That sounds like your friend was trying very hard to soothe you after having to be the bearer of bad news. Everything she said to you is exactly the same type of things I've said to friends when they were worried something was up and I was trying to make them feel better.

I'm getting the distinct impression your husband hit on that woman.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

If you served your husband cold porridge twice a week when he came home, and nothing for the rest of the week, you might get the feeling he wasn't that interested in food. But maybe the fancy restaurant down the street might have a different view?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Good Guy said:


> If you served your husband cold porridge twice a week when he came home, and nothing for the rest of the week, you might get the feeling he wasn't that interested in food. But maybe the fancy restaurant down the street might have a different view?


I have to say that the OP has clearly stated that BOTH of them seem to be low drive, not just her. But it could also be that he's just conditioned himself to not approaching her for sex that much because he knows she wouldn't want it but would do it out of duty for him. So, maybe he's not as LD as he appears (just a possibility).

The *other* fact that needs to be mentioned is that these two have been together since their teenage years - virtually their whole adult lives. It's not an impossibility that the OPs husband was looking for variety and this woman was tempted to take him up on it, but chose to opt out.

I've seen that happen A LOT in couples who marry too young. Sometimes one of them feels deprived, like they missed out on being able to sow their wild oats when they were young and they start looking to do it 15 or 20 years later.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

If he had hit on her, would she not have said "he hit on me" instead of "I nearly went there"? The wording used is so open for interpretation, and I'm even more confused after reading all of the comments. If someone had propositioned me, and if I were interested, I don't think I'd say "I nearly went there", her wording made it about her...."I"... but I'm open to hear other people's opinions on this.

It is very in keeping with my friend's personality not to probe for more details, so I wasn't surprised that she didn't.

Regarding our sex life; Look, my husband has never once told me he is unsatisfied. I have never asked. He has never asked me if I'm satisfied. I have never said otherwise either. We have sex, it varies who initiates it. But yes, maybe a conversation needs to be had.

Someone mentioned what the bond we have could possibly be if we aren't having frequent sex. The bond we have is a deep emotional bond. Yes it's possible without what some may class as frequent sex.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> It must be hard to maintain a great bond with little physical interaction.


Sides, if she thinks he has a great bond with her wait until he bonds with a chick that puts something on him that Ajax won't take off. Think about it; what would most people do if they had a spouse that had a low drive for work and to pay for your medication and some friend offered to take you to the pharmacy at their expense.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Sides, if she thinks he has a great bond with her wait until he bonds with a chick that puts something on him that Ajax won't take off. Think about it; what would most people do if they had a spouse that had a low drive for work and to pay for your medication and some friend offered to take you to the pharmacy at their expense.


Not helpful


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> "It's never anyone's fault but the cheater. They are just immoral people who would cheat even if all their needs were met. Absolutely nothing you did led to them cheating" ... Unless of course you aren't having much sex then it's really not a huge shock and you kind of understand why they might.🙄
> 
> Sex is like any need. Communication, appreciation, acts of service.
> Everyone has ones that are important to them and ones that aren't so much.
> ...


The decision to cheat is always with the cheater. No excuse.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> The decision to cheat is always with the cheater. No excuse.


While i agree i wouldn"t put all my eggs in that basket.

Years of neglect might make a good person faulter and then realize what their missing which then could be an exit stage right!

What happens in that situation is the affair wakes them up and they don't give a **** freedom is all they see.


Best to try ro meet eachothers needs instead of having a love conquers all mind set so i can be safe being a selfish lover, or partner in general.

I don' believe love conquers all or unconditional love. Most have a breaking point. Does't make it right to cheat but we see it all the time on these boards.i wonder how many cheaters wouldn't have if their needs were being met. Sure some people are just selfish asshats and would cheat no matter what but how many?

Or the unsatisfied partner just leaves anyway thet didn't cheat but resentment built up so much they just want out. That would and should be how it goes but unfortunatly were humans and we make all kinds of stupid mistakes.

I am no way excusing cheaters !!! Just being realistic we see this plat out time and time again the these boards.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> While i agree i wouldn"t put all my eggs in that basket.
> 
> Years of neglect might make a good person faulter and then realize what their missing which then could be an exit stage right!
> 
> ...


I agree that we should work at the marriage and do our best to be a good husband or wife, but there are some good people who would never cheat no matter what.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I agree that we should work at the marriage and do our best to be a good husband or wife, but there are some good people who would never cheat no matter what.


No doubt there are many good moral people!

But you won't know until your staring it in the face. Years of frustration,resentment, coupled with oprotunity and chemistry.

Some are weak and figure you only live once and then they let the devil in.

My point being we should nurture our marriages instead of believing love conqures all.

Just look at the news teachers man and female molesting under aged kids. Minister,priest,police,dr's, etc etc etc

Seems like an awfull lot of people do some ugly stuff. People you would never have thought doing very unmoral stuff.





The world is full of temtations. 

That why it hurt soooo much when your on the recieving end when someone you love does you dirty.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> If you ain't giving it up Susie, it is likely he won't always turn down some action elsewhere and may even actively seek it. What is it about you that causes you to think he shouldn't seek what you you're not providing? Just my caveat.


Because cheating is his only option? :scratchhead:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> Because cheating is his only option? :scratchhead:


No, in addition to 
1. Cheating,
there is also 
2. Divorce, which may mean giving up someone you love dearly, harming kids, financial ruin, etc. 
or
3. Living a very unfulfilling life.

Three options. None palatable. All **** sandwiches, just different flavors of ****


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> No, in addition to
> 1. Cheating,
> there is also
> 2. Divorce, which may mean giving up someone you love dearly, harming kids, financial ruin, etc.
> ...


Cheating really is never an option, too many people think it is, though. As we can see from the tons of threads on here, it only makes things much worse most of the time.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Deidre* said:


> Cheating really is never an option, too many people think it is, though. As we can see from the tons of threads on here, it only makes things much worse most of the time.


It's always an option... just the worst possible option, but an option nonetheless. Just because it's not one I could ever choose, doesn't mean it doesn't exist and that many don't avail themselves of this option. Unfortunately, most have to learn the hard way what a horrible option it is.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> If he had hit on her, would she not have said "he hit on me" instead of "I nearly went there"? The wording used is so open for interpretation, and I'm even more confused after reading all of the comments. If someone had propositioned me, and if I were interested, I don't think I'd say "I nearly went there", her wording made it about her...."I"... but I'm open to hear other people's opinions on this.
> 
> It is very in keeping with my friend's personality not to probe for more details, so I wasn't surprised that she didn't.
> 
> ...


1) I think it takes two for "I nearly went there" to happen.

2) Why not just have the conversation with your husband? Why assume that he's okay with the way things are?

There was a woman who began her post with "I have been a faithful wife of forty-five years." She then went on to describe how her husband cheated on her. That was a very painful post to read, I didn't finish it. Have you been with your husband that long?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

At a conference I had a friend who walked up to our group in a pub, fairly inebriated, and saw a guy walk into the pub and say "now there's someone I'd like to meet". He happened to be the husband of one of the circle that was gathered and the wife said quite coldly "that's my husband, thank you" to which the friend replied "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers" and wandered off. 

I caught up a little later and asked her what inspired such a comment and she couldn't remember saying it... yet the wife glared at her the entire evening yet nothing more happened nor was said.

Sometimes a trivial nothing can be made into much... adulterers are not behind every corner.

Sometimes one needs to simply trust.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> Not helpful


Being realistic Suz. Sex is the catalyst that greatly strengthens the bond between a man and a woman. Many men and women have walked away from a marriage because of it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Because cheating is his only option? :scratchhead:


Its never the only option but oftentimes the one with the path of least resistance. Its unlikely but possible a person can keep their marriage and have regular and undisclosed sex with a surrogate for years. Plenty of folks have took a dip in somebody elses pool and come home with nobody the wiser.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

Why do you presume that my husband is unsatisfied? Funny how most of the posters presume that I am satisfied, even though I haven't said that I am. Jump straight to the conclusion that the man is unsatisfied with this situation and that the woman is totally fine. Bull****.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

becareful2 said:


> 1) I think it takes two for "I nearly went there" to happen.
> 
> 2) Why not just have the conversation with your husband? Why assume that he's okay with the way things are?
> 
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Suzie1 said:


> Why do you presume that my husband is unsatisfied? Funny how most of the posters presume that I am satisfied, even though I haven't said that I am. Jump straight to the conclusion that the man is unsatisfied with this situation and that the woman is totally fine. Bull****.


Suzie, no need to get defensive here.

You have conveyed that you and your H do not talk about whether you satisfy each other or not, something that you should do in a marriage. You should never assume what your other half is feeling, that is why people get blindsided and have walk away wives and husbands, affairs, etc. You cannot be naive about this.

Your H may or may not have done something with the OW, now instead of arguing and getting defensive with people on this site, it is better you dig deeper and find out what has happened. Marriages do not survive on their own, they need to be watered and for men, that usually (majority) means sex, whether you agree with that or not, that is just how it is and why people are making such comments.

So speak with your H and see how he reacts, (record it) and then speak to the OW also, (record it) see how they react and behave, it will tell you a lot.
I get the feeling you may be in denial, and that your gut has been telling you other things, that is why you picked up on this statement.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

aine said:


> Suzie, no need to get defensive here.
> 
> You have conveyed that you and your H do not talk about whether you satisfy each other or not, something that you should do in a marriage. You should never assume what your other half is feeling, that is why people get blindsided and have walk away wives and husbands, affairs, etc. You cannot be naive about this.
> 
> ...


Did you read all of the previous posts? I am feeling defensive as some of them were quite attacking and seemingly putting the blame for any indiscretions of my other half on me. Based mostly on assumptions.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

You can only interpret so much of what that woman had meant. You can however, get down to business & try to dig deeper for the details.

Idk maybe it's just me but it sounds like they almost hooked up. "I almost went THERE." If I had found someone's husband attractive I would have instead said something like "I find him hot" or "I almost hit on him whilst I was drunk." It would be pretty specific. "I almost went there" means they almost fornicated. I wouldn't be surprised if they went third base or at least made out.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please try to investigate and try to look at things objectively first.


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## Anthony Wellers (Jul 29, 2017)

Suzie1 said:


> A friend of a friend was drunk and made a passing comment that she "almost went there" with my husband. She said it to another friend, not to me. What would you take from this? That is was mutual, that she almost instigated a liaison, or that he tried to instigate something?
> I'm very confused. I don't know whether/if to broach this with my husband.


Reading this at face value, I would be inclined to think of this as something minor and should be ignored.

Your friend was drunk and didn't know what they were talking about.

On the other hand...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> No doubt there are many good moral people!
> 
> But you won't know until your staring it in the face. Years of frustration,resentment, coupled with oprotunity and chemistry.
> 
> ...


Yes and my husband's ex-cheated on him, but despite a not very happy 23 year marriage to her, and despite opportunity, he never cheated.Nor would I. 
I have seen several marriages in my family destroyed through adultery, it's not something I would ever do, no matter what.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

I've decided to confront him about this. I plan on saying I've heard something happened with X person, is this true? No.... then why would Y person tell me that X person told her it did?

Or any other tips for approaching this?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Its never the only option but oftentimes the one with the path of least resistance. Its unlikely but possible a person can keep their marriage and have regular and undisclosed sex with a surrogate for years. Plenty of folks have took a dip in somebody elses pool and come home with nobody the wiser.


It must be sad to be such a person though, someone who uses their spouse for certain benefits and then uses others for sex.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> I've decided to confront him about this. I plan on saying I've heard something happened with X person, is this true? No.... then why would Y person tell me that X person told her it did?
> 
> Or any other tips for approaching this?


I think its a mistake to confront. you need more substantial evidence.

good luck with your confrontation. hope he has a reasonable explanation and I'm sure he will but you will always wonder


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> I've decided to confront him about this. I plan on saying I've heard something happened with X person, is this true? No.... then why would Y person tell me that X person told her it did?
> 
> Or any other tips for approaching this?


If you are going to ask I would approach it in a way that leaves the discussion accusation-free...

"Husband, Jill told Mary that she "almost went there with you", why would she say such a thing?"

or 

"Husband, I think Jill is attracted to you because she told Mary she "almost went there with you". Granted she had been drinking, but what an odd thing to say".

Then give it a few minutes for a reaction to settle in... quietly and mindfully.

It will come, then assess from there.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

When I hear 

"she "almost went there" with my husband

I think she had an opportunity to go there. I would never say I almost went there with some woman, unless I felt I had the opportunity to do so. I would take this to mean a couple of things:

1) He made a pass at her or
2) They were making out and she stopped him

Either way, I feel like she had the feeling that she could have gone there with him.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

I asked him about it. He denied knowing anything about it. I asked why would someone say what they did then? He replied he didn't know. I asked him about it again today, "Have you got anything more to tell me about this?" and "When would you have been in her company?" He said he remembered a few years ago, before we were married, being back at a house party with his friends, and she was there. He said she was flirting with him and was sitting on his lap. They were all drunk....beyond drunk. I asked if he thought that was appropriate behaviour for someone who was in a long term relationship (at the the time), he said no. I asked why he let her sit on his lap, he said he didn't know, that at first he thought it was harmless, they were all drinking and having fun, and that then he realised she was hitting on him, and he stopped it. Him and his friends left together shortly after.

Opinions?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Suzie1 said:


> Did you read all of the previous posts? I am feeling defensive as some of them were quite attacking and seemingly putting the blame for any indiscretions of my other half on me. Based mostly on assumptions.


Regardless of the weaknesses you both bring to the marriage, there is NEVER any time when it is ok to cheat. I think I speak for the majority on here if not all. maybe people do not express it well but your SO indiscretions are his and entirely his (if any)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would be pretty mad if my husband had let a woman sit on his lap and flirt with him. Plus the fact that he didn't tell you.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

I am mad. Very mad. And hurt. We weren't married at the time, but I still feel it as if we had been, as we were in a long term relationship.
I do believe him that that's all that happened. He said it quite matter of factly, a little sheepish. He hasn't been grovelling with apologies, being extra lovey dovey, or getting angry.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

I don't really have any friends or family I can confide in about this, so I'm feeling very alone and low right now. Sleeping a lot, spending a lot of time in isolation. Feeling sorry for myself I guess, need to snap out of it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> Myself and my husband don't have a great sex life. I have very little drive. So, I guess I'm thinking could he be seeking it elsewhere? On the other hand, we do have a great bond.


you DO realize this is a recipe for disaster. If your husband is being ignored and denied sex, he is a sucker for the first skirt that flirts with him...it is simply human nature. Can you possibly do something to increase your libido for him? Isn't he worth it?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think he is telling the truth, but it still leaves questions as to why when you are in a long term relationship he thought that that behaviour was ok? It says a lot about your H boundaries, don't you think? You have every right to be mad and hurt and tell your H this too, he has now broken trust.
Ask him how he would feel if you were sitting on some guys lap, would he be ok with that?


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

We spoke about it again a third time. I asked if there was anything more he had to tell me about this, or if there was anything else I need to know about anything else at all, that now was the time to speak. He said no. He said he felt embarrassed and ashamed.
I do believe him. I'm still angry and hurt and things won't be back to the way things were for a while. I feel embarrassed too. And I just found out that this woman will be at a baby shower I have to attend next week!!! I literally rarely see this woman, like every few years maybe, and now I have to be in her company. I'm seething!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Suzie1 said:


> We spoke about it again a third time. I asked if there was anything more he had to tell me about this, or if there was anything else I need to know about anything else at all, that now was the time to speak. He said no. He said he felt embarrassed and ashamed.
> I do believe him. I'm still angry and hurt and things won't be back to the way things were for a while. I feel embarrassed too.* And I just found out that this woman will be at a baby shower I have to attend next week!!!* I literally rarely see this woman, like every few years maybe, and now I have to be in her company. I'm seething!


 Sounds like a good time to set her straight and possibly hear her side of the story.


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## Suzie1 (Aug 31, 2017)

And possibly ruin the baby shower by causing a scene? I don't think that'd go down well.


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