# Is it him or is it me?



## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

i can't orgasm unless i'm the one stimulating my clitoris.h has tried oral and it does nothing for me.he has tried using his fingers and it only makes me wet but doesn't get any further.during sex he has tried to rub my clit during doggie style but i get nothing out of it.
i feel like i'm missing out on something when i read about how oral makes most women orgasm and how their husband's can make them orgasm in different ways.i've tried to show him but i can't get there unless i'm doing it myself during intercourse or unless i'm alone doing it without him.
he claims none of the women from his past have ever had issues orgasming from his technique.i'm the only one who ever had to touch herself during intercourse in order to orgasm.i don't know what to do about this.showing him by putting my hand over his doesn't work and verbally instructing him doesn't work either.it is to the point where i don't let him do oral for me anymore because it is more annoying than pleasurable.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hmm... not nice of him to comment on how easy it was for other women he's been with to orgasm. Perhaps that is just a boast to make himself not feel inadequate. Maybe he's not really sure anyone else has had an orgasm, since statistics seem to indicate that men believe a woman has an O a lot more often than she actually does, or maybe everyone else was faking with him, while you are being honest. 

Don't worry about not getting off with the oral. Everybody is just so different - some women can get off with the lighter touch of oral more than others. With manual, sometimes it's hard to position the man's hand and fingers correctly because of the angle. His hand is not coming from the same direction as yours is.

I don't see anything wrong with having to stimulate yourself. However, your husband seems to see this as an issue - especially since he has not yet learned the secrets of your body. That is supposed to be one of the fun aspects of being married - discovering each others bodies and quirks.

At this point, I think it's likely a combination of both of you. He's being insensitive to you in the bedroom (what's he like outside of it?), and you need to be vocal and tell him what you need. A man who wants to be a good lover to his wife will listen carefully.

Have you tried any other positions? One my H and I like is called the "Coital Alignment Technique" which is a missionary-type position, but it involves more of a sliding/grinding motion than an in and out motion. The rubbing of bodies is enough for me to achieve O without direct hand stimulation.

Is your husband willing to explore different techniques with you? Maybe I should ask if you are willing - I saw in another post how your husband seems to think you should be able to just be a light switch on for him.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> At this point, I think it's likely a combination of both of you. He's being insensitive to you in the bedroom (what's he like outside of it?), and you need to be vocal and tell him what you need. A man who wants to be a good lover to his wife will listen carefully.


:iagree: Open, truthful, honest communication first & foremost should lead to better interactions & experimentation. Without it, it's a boasting/complaining guessing game that nakes it work instead of pleasureable!


----------



## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

i've tried telling him.but it still doesn't work i never get there when he's touching me.i've done vocal instruction (faster slower harder softer) and i've tried to use my hand over his to show him how i like it.he follows direction and it isn't getting me there.maybe i'm defective 
he's sensitive to a point outside the bedroom but his sensitivity is easily used up.he is patient during sex and encourages me to touch myself during intercourse because he wants me to orgasm.i wish i could get off from things he does instead of always feeling like im masturbating during intercourse.i want it to come from him without my help.he has been told and shown what to do but i don't even get a twinge that i could orgasm with him doing it.


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Were there other men before your husband, and if so, were they able to get you to the mighty O? 

I am guessing it's really an issue in your mind, and you need to find a way to fully and totally relax, let go, fully surrender. And more foreplay - *much* more, before any touching whatsoever - is probably a good starting point too. Remember, especially for a woman sex is much more of an emotional activity (know that I am a man saying that...!)

Nevertheless, be glad you CAN get there; apparently some women can't no matter who's doing the touching.


----------



## Dylan (Jul 1, 2011)

i never tried to orgasm with the other men.i always faked it to make them happy.i didn't want to hurt their feelings because i didn't know how to orgasm.most younger men don't understand orgasm doesn't fall in a woman's lap like it does for men.i learned how to orgasm only a short while before my husband and i started having sex.at first i could only orgasm alone and i would fake it with him until i got better at knowing what would do it for me.once i knew i started trying to get him more involved in getting me there.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I can relate to your story. When I was in college and before I was married, I NEVER had orgasms with men. I would only have them during masturbation. When I married my first husband, it took me a long time to feel relaxed and open enough to let go and have an orgasm with him. But I did learn how and had them about half the time we had sex, either through oral or while touching myself while he was f*cking me. 

I am now 43 and am remarried. I have an orgasm with my second husband almost every time we have sex and it is so much more exciting and rewarding. What's the difference now? I am more confident in general, I know how much men get off pleasing their women and so I know he is enjoying what he's doing, and I don't allow self-doubt or insecurities to enter my head when we are making love.

I think your issue is not your husband's technique, it is what is going on in your head. To O you need to be confident, trusting and relaxed. My guess is that your head is so wrapped up in worrying about orgasming that you aren't enjoying the experiences your husband is giving you.

I bet that your internal dialogue during sex sounds something like this:
"Am I taking too long?" 
"Is he bored?" 
"He's going to be disappointed if I don't come."
"Geez, he's not doing it fast enough/slow enough/hard enough."
"What is wrong with me that I can't orgasm with him?"
"I'm never going to get there! We should just forget it."
"I am such a failure."

My recommendation is to talk to your husband outside of the bedroom and tell him that you are going to stop trying so hard to have an O and you would like him to stop focusing on that, too, for a while. Tell him the pressure is making it too difficult. Tell him you want to focus on enjoying yourself and him.

Then have some nice, long foreplay sessions. Bring a vibrator in bed with you. Have him use it on you, then you use it on you, then you use it on him, then you suck him off for a little, then he plays with your nipples a litte, then you finger yourself, then you watch him stroke himself, and do whatever else feels good to both of you. Do all of this without any "goal" of coming. Then have sex and use your hand to come if you want, or not. But you CANNOT view using your hand as a failure or a bad thing, because it is not.

After a while, if you approach sex this way, you will be focused on what feels good instead of meeting some "standard". I am guessing when your thoughts change, you will have more Os. In the meantime, know that the majority of women have a hard time coming through sex, so you are certainly not alone (don't use this forum as a barometer). You are okay just as you are, girlfriend. Believe it!


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I just read your other post about not being happy with your husband in general. This is going to contribute to your problems. You don't feel emotionally connected to him, so it is going to be hard to trust him enough to open up and relax and have an O.

I would definitely find a therapist for yourself (find a pyschologist) and work on the bigger issues first.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Dylan said:


> i can't orgasm unless i'm the one stimulating my clitoris.h has tried oral and it does nothing for me.he has tried using his fingers and it only makes me wet but doesn't get any further.during sex he has tried to rub my clit during doggie style but i get nothing out of it.
> i feel like i'm missing out on something when i read about how oral makes most women orgasm and how their husband's can make them orgasm in different ways.i've tried to show him but i can't get there unless i'm doing it myself during intercourse or unless i'm alone doing it without him.
> he claims none of the women from his past have ever had issues orgasming from his technique.i'm the only one who ever had to touch herself during intercourse in order to orgasm.i don't know what to do about this.showing him by putting my hand over his doesn't work and verbally instructing him doesn't work either.it is to the point where i don't let him do oral for me anymore because it is more annoying than pleasurable.


My W is the same way. Unfortunately for her that means she cant 100% enjoy it, and has to work at herself to orgasm. But I do get down there with Tonuge, Finger, Etc. to make it all the better for her.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> I just read your other post about not being happy with your husband in general. This is going to contribute to your problems. You don't feel emotionally connected to him, so it is going to be hard to trust him enough to open up and relax and have an O.
> 
> I would definitely find a therapist for yourself (find a pyschologist) and work on the bigger issues first.


This. Impossible to open up sexually when there are bigger issues at hand. Intimacy involves every aspect of a relationship not just the physical.


----------

