# If you had known...would you have gotten married?



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

This question really applies to both spouses in a marriage where mental issues are involved: if you had known beforehand, would you have gotten married anyway?

For the people who have the issues, my question is: if you knew your ultimate diagnosis then, would you have entered into a lifelong commitment? In other words, would you have asked someone to deal with problems like yours for the rest of their lives?

For the spouses of the ones with issues: if you had known that you would be struggling with their mental health problems, would you have gotten married?

For myself, I'm somewhat inclined to say I wouldn't have married anyone had I known back then about my autism, or that my depression issues would remain ongoing for decades. The thing about being an Aspie is that we don't do non-verbal communication well at all. We miss the cues, the looks, the postural changes. Most of the time we're having an entirely different conversation from the person we're talking to, because of how we communicate. Very literal-minded, very concrete, all words at face value regardless of context. It makes dealing with a non-Aspie's emotional needs very, very difficult. And it makes dealing with our emotions very difficult for the non-Aspies. Yes, we DO have the full range of emotions, we just process the communication ABOUT those emotions very differently.

Now, I am not saying that Aspies and other persons on "the spectrum" of Autism should not marry. I'm saying that in my particular case I don't know that I would have felt that it was right to ask anyone who ISN'T an Aspie to step into this particular ring for life. It's very difficult for us to deal effectively with the outside world. And it's very difficult for the world to deal with us. Which makes it that much harder for us to be the kind of relationship partners that non-Aspies need and deserve. I'm sure there are Aspies who overcome enough of their communications issues to be able to thrive in lifelong relationships. I'm also pretty sure that I'm not one of those, and won't become on in this lifetime.

For any person dealing with mental issues or cognitive differences, once you become cognizant of your particular circumstances I think it's incumbent upon you to ask yourself whether putting the burden of those issues on another person is fair. I'm not saying the answer will always be "no," but the question needs asking. I think we have a responsibility to ask it, in fact.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband is a sex addict and I'll give you two answers to that question
1) If I had known he was a sex addict but had been in treatment and was in recovery for a while and wasn't likely to relapse, I can say with about 85% certainty that I would still have gotten together with him. 
2) If I had known he was a sex addict who had NOT done anything in the way of recovery, hell no.

OK, 3 answers.
3) If I had known he was a sex addict but had been in treatment and was in recovery for a while and wasn't likely to relapse, I can say with about 85% certainty that I would still have gotten together with him. But I would probably not have married him. I would probably not marry ANYone if I had it to do over again.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> For the people who have the issues, my question is: if you knew your ultimate diagnosis then, would you have entered into a lifelong commitment? In other words, would you have asked someone to deal with problems like yours for the rest of their lives?


For me this is a trick question. Yes I had issues but I fixed them so they aren't for the rest of his life.

If I had it to do over I wouldn't get married until I healed myself.

Problem is I'm not sure if I could have healed myself without his support.

I NEEDED him to be the catalyst for me to change.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Along the same lines as what Hope said...if I was fully aware of the mental illness and I was confident that he was 100% committed to
1) acknowledging the illness and the impact it has on me/family
2) regularly following up with his psychiatrist for medical management 
3) regularly attending counseling as recommended by psychiatrist
4) being completely open to and respectful of my feedback and insight on his mental status, meaning if I told him I think he seems overly irritable lately and I'd like him to check himself about that, he would respect my feedback as an attempt to help him
...I MIGHT marry him. But having gone through what I have for the past 19 years (which is the opposite of what I just listed above), I would probably not take the risk of marrying into playing psychologist/psychiatrist/cheerleader again. I just want normal for a while.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> For me this is a trick question.
> 
> If I had it to do over I wouldn't get married until I healed myself.
> 
> ...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

bailingout said:


> If we had both stayed at the same place, we'd be good.
> 
> But I grew and he hasn't. It's a disaster.


This is a good point. In the end I ended up growing PAST my husband and yet originally I had the most problems. :scratchhead:

I wouldn't call us a disaster but it does have it's challenges with me being ahead of him in the growth department.

He's now in therapy to catch up with me. :smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

People come into our lives for a reason.

They exit our lives for a better reason. 

Who can say the journey has been a waste, that nothing can be gleaned from the hardships it produced? If the hardships were that hard, the lesson must have needed some serious "teaching" to ensure what was needed was learned.

That's my story an I'm sticking to it!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Yes I would. The good outweighs the bad in my marriage. No matter how much the past year sucked I can't imagine life without her and I still look forward to seeing her every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...rationally...no. Borderlines really aren't worth it.

...less rationally...our child is rather wonderful. so yes.

But, based purely on the merits of our marriage, and knowing the amount of effort and pain required...I'd run for the hills - no question.

--Argyle


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

If I suddenly had the knowledge I have today, but 15 years ago, I would have first done a dance of joy at knowing what the next 15 years of my life looked like, then I would immediately pack my crap.. maybe even just grabbed the most important stuff like birth cert and tax info, and then sprinted like an olympic gold medalist out the front door.. I'm talking nothing but a trail of fire behind me, and I would not have stopped until I landed in another state. I would have probably got 10 speeding tickets on the way out of the state, and they would have been worth it.

Living with someone who has BPD, GAD, Depression, and martyr syndrome is worse on the better days than being tortured in the 5th circle of hell. Words cannot describe the living hell I've been through, not just with the wife, but the jobs, the impact 9-11 had on my life/finances, and everything since. There's no way to describe how much my life has sucked, and if not for my VERY positive view on life, I would have killed myself 10x over by now.

So yeah.. Would I have stayed if I knew what I was in for when I got married? No F'ing way.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> People come into our lives for a reason.
> 
> They exit our lives for a better reason.
> 
> Who can say the journey has been a waste, that nothing can be gleaned from the hardships it produced? If the hardships were that hard, the lesson must have needed some serious "teaching" to ensure what was needed was learned.


:iagree: I learned alot from my H early on, but they were lessons that would help me in areas outside of an romantic relationship or marriage. 

Yes the hardships were that hard, and yes, the "teachings" were definitely needed and I am grateful for what I learned but while they were learned during the marriage, he didn't help me in that regard.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

and I'm sticking to it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> For any person dealing with mental issues or cognitive differences, once you become cognizant of your particular circumstances I think it's incumbent upon you to ask yourself whether putting the burden of those issues on another person is fair. I'm not saying the answer will always be "no," but the question needs asking. I think we have a responsibility to ask it, in fact.


Great post and yes I have to agree 100% with you on this point especially. I believe it is incumbent to fully disclose our mental illness and let the person decide if they want to deal with it. Having said this I think that if you have a mental illness that has resisted treatment or at a point where a "normal" marriage/relationship is not possible then you should not pursue a relationship.


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## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Great post and yes I have to agree 100% with you on this point especially. I believe it is incumbent to fully disclose our mental illness and let the person decide if they want to deal with it. Having said this I think that if you have a mental illness that has resisted treatment or at a point where a "normal" marriage/relationship is not possible then you should not pursue a relationship.


That mental illness is the main reason I wouldn't get married if I could turn back the hands of time. My wife has ADHD (her sister has is bipolar and her dad is also bipolar with a learning disability). 

These were hidden from me while we were dating. But it wasn't until our oldest daughter got diagnosed with ADHD that all of my wife's actions and behavior made sense. almost 8 years after getting married I find out the hard way about her mental illness and her families mental illness history. 

As a result it is a MASSIVE mental strain on a marriage when your spouse has a mental illness. So you can image how much work I have to do to keep my home clean (especially since ADHD people are notorious for being sloppy and having short attention spans).

I agree tell someone upfront about your condition(s). Since both my daughters have an inherited ADHD from there mother, I will not hide that from there boyfriends when the time comes for dating. I don't want anyone suffering the way I have been for the past 9 years (going on 10). As a matter of fact, I will be even more vigilant because I know for a fact ADHD people become hyper focused (borderline obsessed) with their boyfriend/girlfriend. But once they've lost attention that's when the real problems begin. I have seen and experienced this *FIRST HAND*.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> For the spouses of the ones with issues: if you had known that you would be struggling with their mental health problems, would you have gotten married?



No 

She was suicidal institutionalized self harming cutting anorexia bulimia when I met her. 
I never realized just what I was dealing with or would be dealing with and thought 'love would conquer all' 
I've had 15 years 11 yrs married of mainly borderline some bi polar some narcissm.
She's been in therapy for some on medication for 80% of the time 

Through my love and support there have been great times wwo wonderful kids but now we are divorcing ( huge serial adultery over 7/8 years continual deceit in so many many even small things massive resentment from her about things she's invented in order to justify her behavior etc etc (my original thread is far too long).

Now upon reflection and as clear as day, the only reason there have been great times and any stability in the relationship is due my unending love support and care - all coming from me.

When I look at who got what from the whole time together I got very little in return for giving giving and giving more and more and more. A life of walking on eggshells.

People with strong afflictions to these disorders never heal, ever, and can ultimately never change. 

And for me when the afflicted and their close friends and family can sit around and use the affliction as an excuse forever that's when it's time to get out 

Personalty disorders only get the afflicted to a mental 'place' they don't make them choose the next option - that's entirely a free thinking un afflicted action and so the excuses for me anyway are just empty.

I wish I could have encountered the information about these disorders we now have 15 years ago. Had I known even 10% of what was to come I'd have been out the door in ten minutes flat


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She told me she had "issues" but that's like describing the ocean as occasionally slightly damp. I do love my wife and I'll stick it out but it should be a felony for someone in her condition to enter into a marriage contract. I might as well have signed up to be an unpaid mental health-care provider. 
I suppose it's all good. I guess she'd be on the street without me, but she's usually not even capable of taking care of herself, let alone partnering. A marriage vow doesn't mean much if you're not capable of sawing your end of the log. My whole life is pretty much dictated by her illnesses.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She told me she had "issues" but that's like describing the ocean as occasionally slightly damp. I do love my wife and I'll stick it out but it should be a felony for someone in her condition to enter into a marriage contract. I might as well have signed up to be an unpaid mental health-care provider.
> I suppose it's all good. I guess she'd be on the street without me, but she's usually not even capable of taking care of herself, let alone partnering. A marriage vow doesn't mean much if you're not capable of sawing your end of the log. My whole life is pretty much dictated by her illnesses.


Brother I'm really sorry. I have read about your story and understand where you are coming from. I was there as well. Are your kids young?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No I wouldn't have but then I wouldn't have my daughter either. He is a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

I have struggled with my depression for the majority of my life, and my husband also has some mental problems due to growing up with an alcoholic for a father. We both made it very clear to each other before the relationship got too serious that these were issues that the other person would have to deal with.

I don't think my husband regrets marrying me, even though I know some things have been difficult for him to deal with at times. He's seen me at my absolute worst and handled it better than I could have ever hoped for. I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't clearly capable of being there for me even when I make things difficult.

As for his issues, dealing with it has been nothing compared to dealing with myself, and I knew what I was getting myself into just like he did, so no regrets.


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## althea0212 (Apr 6, 2013)

Marriage is a partnership shared by both parties. Our partner should not be kept in the dark about our health problems prior to marriage. If our fiance/fiancee will still push through with marriage plans in spite of our predicament, then that is real love. Otherwise, the couple may be better off as friends. Anything about genetic disorders that may be inherited by the children should be openly discussed so the couple could be prepared for the best and worst or opt not to have any children at all. Honesty is one of the keys to a successful relationship.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

bailingout said:


> Mavash. said:
> 
> 
> > For me this is a trick question.
> ...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Right now. My answer is.....




I honestly don't know. My spouse is schizophrenic (Not married to him) but then again I have my issues as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"If our fiance/fiancee will still push through with marriage plans in spite of our predicament, then that is real love."

No, it's real naive or real stupid. There is no way any layperson could possibly really know what they're signing on for, so one's decision to marry someone with mental illness will almost never be an informed choice. The one person who actually understands how debilitating the illness can be is the person who has it. 
Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but mine certainly isn't and I doubt anyone else married to someone with a serious mental illness has a true partnership. I couldn't have a problem because there is no time in my relationship to deal with it and I don't have a partner who's healthy enough to deal with it. Her illness dictates how every hour or every day goes and it has since day one. It will until dirt is thrown in my eyes. My wife's illness prevents her from working. I have to work two jobs and it doesn't matter how I feel. My happy butt goes to work or we starve. Her illness prevents her from handling finances or even going to the mailbox. Space monkeys could fly out my butt but I'd still have to take care of those tasks. I don't believe anyone married to a bipolar patient seriously believes they are in a partnership or that they've ever been in one.


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## Flygirl (Apr 9, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "If our fiance/fiancee will still push through with marriage plans in spite of our predicament, then that is real love."
> 
> No, it's real naive or real stupid. There is no way any layperson could possibly really know what they're signing on for, so one's decision to marry someone with mental illness will almost never be an informed choice. The one person who actually understands how debilitating the illness can be is the person who has it.
> Marriage is supposed to be a partnership but mine certainly isn't and I doubt anyone else married to someone with a serious mental illness has a true partnership. I couldn't have a problem because there is no time in my relationship to deal with it and I don't have a partner who's healthy enough to deal with it. Her illness dictates how every hour or every day goes and it has since day one. It will until dirt is thrown in my eyes. My wife's illness prevents her from working. I have to work two jobs and it doesn't matter how I feel. My happy butt goes to work or we starve. Her illness prevents her from handling finances or even going to the mailbox. Space monkeys could fly out my butt but I'd still have to take care of those tasks. I don't believe anyone married to a bipolar patient seriously believes they are in a partnership or that they've ever been in one.


That's got to be really tough. I wonder if your wife feels like she's a burden to you. I think I would love my husband enough to let him go so he could have a life. Do you ever feel like a parent more than spouse? I hope my questions aren't offensive.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am the one with the mental health problems in my narraige. It wasn't until after we got married that my mental state deteriorated to the point of suicidal thoughts/behaviors and unable to function. Before then I wasn't really aware I had any problems beyond what I thought everyone on the planet dealt with (which I have since learned isn't true).

Do I wish I knew about my mental health problems before we married? Yes, of course. I don't want my husband to be permanently attached to a lunatic for the rest of his life. I don't think I am unlovable, but I don't think HE (completely free of health issues or heavy burdens) should have been saddled with ME. I shared that with him, my regret and sadness for him being stuck with someone like me.

He has a very different outlook on it. Which is sweet, I think, although I wonder how much he's just trying to make the best of a crappy situation honestly.

H says that he took his vows "for better or for worse" seriously. And that there's no way to know what that is going to include when you are at the altar on your wedding day. You don't know if you will be a future lottery winner, or the victim of a horrible car accident that leaves you a vegetable for the rest of your life. He takes my problems in stride, because as he says, you don't know that I will always be healthy in the future and I would hope you wouldn't go running if I came down with some kind of ailment.

The caveat we both have is that we each are responsible for seeking treatment, keeping ourselves medicated (in my case, its needed) and that we will always push each other to be responsible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Headspin said:


> No
> 
> She was suicidal institutionalized self harming cutting anorexia bulimia when I met her.
> I never realized just what I was dealing with or would be dealing with and thought 'love would conquer all'
> ...


I'm glad you see the light. She will suck in another victim to suck the life out of. 

Perhaps if you weren't so good and efficient at supporting her and loving her unconditionally she wouldn't have gotten this bad.

I like how you mention that she invented these excuses so she can harbor resentment, and I know that got worse and worse.

Being released from such a toxic and non-nourishing environment must feel invigorating.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

kag123 said:


> I am the one with the mental health problems in my narraige. It wasn't until after we got married that my mental state deteriorated to the point of suicidal thoughts/behaviors and unable to function. Before then I wasn't really aware I had any problems beyond what I thought everyone on the planet dealt with (which I have since learned isn't true).
> 
> Do I wish I knew about my mental health problems before we married? Yes, of course. I don't want my husband to be permanently attached to a lunatic for the rest of his life. I don't think I am unlovable, but I don't think HE (completely free of health issues or heavy burdens) should have been saddled with ME. I shared that with him, my regret and sadness for him being stuck with someone like me.
> 
> ...


This is very much like my own story. I fully informed my husband of my mental health issues and genetic history. I also treated him to a total meltdown in the first month of dating him. He read my diary (without my permission, but I didn't make a fuss about it). That disclosed a lot. He didn't look good on paper himself: a divorcee with a small child and an ex even crazier than me, no car, rented a room from a *******.

He says he has no regrets, and I believe him. I work hard on my personal transformation and am an "out" bipolar II / bpd person. Although I have mental health issues, they do not totally define me as a human being. I am very talented and strongly developed in other areas of my life. My H and I complement each other beautifully.

We go through rough patches that cause us to do a lot of soul searching and together, we grow.

It just keeps getting better and better!

BTW, Borderline Personality Disorder's symptoms have been shown to decline with age...so it can get better even without trying as hard as I do. Also, there are new technologies in treatment that help survivors of complex post traumatic stress disorder, which I identify as the source of my poorly named array of symptoms "BPD". Somatic Experiencing treatment has helped me release trauma and turn my life around. 

I do believe that healing is a spiritual act. I have very free-styling spiritual beliefs, not Christian, but I do believe my recovery is a gift of Grace. I conceive of Grace as part divine gift of opportunity / part willingness of the person to see the opportunity as divine, and take it, follow thru on it.

I also see my connection with my husband as a divine spiritual connection between soulmates. It was love at first sight, a giant Namaste we tell each other every day for over 15 years now. Would we do it again? I think we have over many lifetimes, it's a Forever thing with us.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

salamander said:


> This is very much like my own story. I fully informed my husband of my mental health issues and genetic history. I also treated him to a total meltdown in the first month of dating him. He read my diary (without my permission, but I didn't make a fuss about it). That disclosed a lot. He didn't look good on paper himself: a divorcee with a small child and an ex even crazier than me, no car, rented a room from a *******.
> 
> He says he has no regrets, and I believe him. I work hard on my personal transformation and am an "out" bipolar II / bpd person. Although I have mental health issues, they do not totally define me as a human being. I am very talented and strongly developed in other areas of my life. My H and I complement each other beautifully.
> 
> ...


So your interaction with your husband has helped your condition? It sounds like you guys are working iwith this thing great and mutually benefitting from it. Happy to hear your success story.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> I'm glad you see the light. She will suck in another victim to suck the life out of.
> 
> Perhaps if you weren't so good and efficient at supporting her and loving her unconditionally she wouldn't have gotten this bad.
> 
> ...



Well its a mixture of many things tbh 
I'm a year out now and I often spent too much with my head wondering what to do with myself on the days when she had the kids. I was'nt particularly comfortable not being in a crises situation with her if you get that because so much of our lives were often in some crises or other

Our life because of her needs would just catapult into an emotional emergency every so often centered on her collapsing into a heap about the latest affair the latest revelation about her childhood the latest whatever, blame, I was on the receiving end of. It was always busy being a 'carer' because something was always happening or about to happen - the walking on eggshells bit I spose.

Thing is though this does of course fill your life with stuff - whilst you are dealing with the kids the house the shopping your own work situation ..AND HER breakdowns there was never a dull moment!

For the first three months after she was gone I was often at a loose end and although this was obviously a good thing, not having to wonder who the hell she was with tonight or tomorrow, one's need or 'habit' to care was taken.

After a while though I did start to 'deflate' in a nice way - did start to calm down, did start to allow in ME. In all these years of it I had got lost. 

I started to remember I was quite a nice person, I was me, alone and only needed to answer for my own behavior not embarrassingly cringe at what people made of this ebullient effervescent but strange person that was my wife. It was difficult at first not being part of the couple, a two but now I'm used to that and it is really nice. I feel in control of _when my life is going out of control_ if that makes sense rather than the roller coaster ride of hanging on to her coat tails.

What is difficult is that at some point I will need to be ready to let somebody else somebody new 'in' but giving out any trust is now a huge issue for me so that will have to wait. I hope that returns but right now is the last thing on my mind 

In terms of needing to care for somebody I'm praying that this last relationship, the third of its kind, will finally teach me that I can never ever get into the grip of a professional 'victim' again
just too much pain just not worth all the effort one puts in. Fact is they don't change intrinsically they simply never change.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> So your interaction with your husband has helped your condition? It sounds like you guys are working iwith this thing great and mutually benefitting from it. Happy to hear your success story.


Thanks! . I do think my relationship makes it possible for me to achieve the levels of personal transformation I'm enjoying. I was very accomplished and doing great in my career, but my personal life as a single woman was in a shambles. Full blown bpd can be extremely debilitating and trying to date / get my basic emotional needs met was a series of hideously painful, unfortunate events. Without my husband's unconditional love, i never would have become grounded enough to do anything about my condition. His forgiveness seems to me to be limitless! The Monster Eye is a cruel taskmaster. We cope by allowing me to take "mental health days" where i don't accomplish anything. Basic survival in the thick of relentless, involuntary suicidal ideation is at times all I can muster, and my husband treats me with heart-melting compassion. I am so lucky!

I can name a lot of turning points in my recovery, but the one that really made the huge POP of my head coming outta my ass re: being a "victim" is this one: http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Defeat-Yourself-With-Emotional-Manipulation&id=857037
I found it searching for understanding how I'd been victimized by manipulation in my family of origin--what I discovered was how *I* was the abusive manipulator in my chosen family. POP!!! It's amazing what can happen when you see yourself in the mirror! And that's what all human relationships are: mirrors placed for us to "know thyself" and become better people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

This is an interesting question. My Ex and I both started getting treatment for depression when we were dating. My mom, who I was living with and taking care of, was depressed and undiagnosed NPD/BPD (I know now), and both of his parents were alcoholics, father abusive. We both knew we were dealing with a lot, and wanted to deal with our issues before we got married and had kids.

What I didn't see, and didn't even know about then, were his own personality disordered traits. That flew under everyone's radar - counselors, psychiatrists, and certainly, my understanding, as my idea of 'normal' was pretty screwed up. I have been realizing just how much over the last 2 years in therapy triggered by him ending our marriage.

Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much of it revolved around his depression and PD. He had a breakdown in 2006, and has been on disability since then, though he got a grad degree during that time. Our lives revolved totally around him, and trying to take care of him, his increasingly abusive, narcissistic personality (including several EAs) and dramatic emotional crises made me suicidal many, many times. 

It doesn't help that spouses/SOs of people with mental illnesses are given virtually no counseling of their own, or even in-depth information on what they'll be dealing with. I remember reading that the divorce rate among couples with one spouse with major depression is 9x the rate for couples without a depressed spouse. And that the non-diagnosed spouse quite often develops a 'situational' depression of their own.

I know that is true of me. Even though I didn't want to split, thought we could fix our issues with MC, etc., at the time, I've come to realize that this simply wouldn't have been possible with him. Realizing the PD aspect of things also helps to explain how he went from one therapist and psychiatrist to another without improving. And why no drug he tried ever worked.

OTOH, since I've been away, I'm down to one last A/D (when I had been taking a total of 3 plus Ambien CR for a sleep disorder), and hope to be cutting that in 1/2 at my next visit. I've been in intense individual and group therapy, gone to a weekly domestic abuse support group, and read tons and tons. I know my life is light years better now.

I'd have to say I regret ever getting involved with my Ex except for 2 things: our son, and my getting involved with him did spur me to move away from my mom, which I probably would never have done. There weren't enough good times to come near to balancing the pain during our marriage. I had to give up the idea of having more children because of him, which broke my heart. The effect it has had on my ability to trust in a future relationship cannot be underestimated, either.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

*Looking back at our marriage, I can see how much of it revolved around his depression and PD. Our lives revolved totally around him, and trying to take care of him, his increasingly abusive, narcissistic personality dramatic emotional crises *

Exactly the same for me, although I am emotionally much stronger than him so was able to deal with it fairly easily. He is completely undiagnosed. Refuses to admit anything is wrong despite the fact that he is a manic depressive and has NPD traits

Do I regret marrying him? Yes I do. 100%

Not saying we never had fun times, but could have done that without tying myself to him financially


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

I have been lurking in the forum for a few months, and this thread is the one that finally made me register and post.

The answer to the question is absolutely, unequivocally, "NO!"

Wife has bipolar. Was fine for the first 12 years of marriage then all hell broke loose. Had a psychotic break and was hospitalized. During this hospitalization we found she was pregnant with our son.

Turns out I had been lied to. She had a psychotic break a few years before we met and was on medication. I knew about a history of seizures and she was on medication for that, and she told me of psychotic break in context of phenobarbital withdrawal. Was on an antipsychotic. Couldn't figure out why she needed that and she was completely, totally, mentally fine. I couldn't tell there were any problems. Even her parents didn't tell me there had been a previous problem that wasn't related to phenobarb as had been told to me.

The last several years have been hell for me.
When first diagnosed, she emptied our joint bank account buying useless junk. She even cashed one of those fake checks marketers send you....and the bank gave her the money, which she spent! In total, her financial misadventures cost me over $20k. After this, I cut off all access to my bank account and dole her out a strict financial allowance....
She is still paranoid even on medication and despite changes by her p-doc. She has no insight into her illness. I have to be mom and dad. Have to clean house because she won't. She's decided she doesn't want to work, and could I please pay back her student loans AND pay all our bills AND save for retirement AND save for college. Don't think so!

Right now, I am treating this the same as if she had a severe physical illness. I do love her. After all, we had 12 good years together. It's now been 7 challenging years. I take my marriage vows seriously and as much as I dream about it, I am not going anywhere yet.

But had I known this was coming, I would not have signed on at all. I just want a normal marriage with the other half actually doing half, instead of acting like a child. I feel I was defrauded, cheated, and conned!

So again, the answer to the posed question is "HELL NO".


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## MandyPoo (Mar 19, 2013)

A few years ago, I was engaged to a man with what I thought was combat-related PTSD. At the time, We were both medical personnel in the military. We were part of a unique population with a higher than average potential to experience emotionally taxing, jarring and traumatic events making us highly susceptible to PTSD. I wouldn't want to be the "undateable blacklisted PTSD chick." So, I thought I shouldn't discount him as a dating option due to PTSD. After all, I could just as easily deploy, see some carnage, and come back scarred. So I gave him a chance. I'll call him "Huck."

I'll admit, Huck was a rebound guy with whom I entered a relationship far to hastily. Before Huck, "Ray", the only man I'd ever loved had cheated on me and his "other woman" had bore him a son whom he'd intended to hide from me perpetually. When I found out, I poured Ray out of my heart and immediately filled the empty space with Huck. I doted on him, lavished him with love and trust he'd never earned. Emotions that had been reserved for Ray alone became Huck's. It was a whirlwind romance.

Huck, was in therapy. He'd see a psychiatrist twice a week. He seemed to be doing well... We never really discussed his mental health. Less than a year into our relationship, he proposed. I was "marrying age" and still riding the wave of our whirlwind and my mother wanted grandkids. I accepted. Foolish, I know...

A month or so into the engagement, Huck disappeared...for a week... No warning, no communication just dropped off the map. Then he was back, full of apologies. He told me he had been hospitalized. Said he was "fighting demons of the things he had seen during his last tour of duty." Afterward one of his close friends, Don, who had helped him check into the hospital, told me he'd been in the psych ward. I assumed he'd voluntarily admitted himself with some sort of PTSD related thoughts of self harm. 

Huck changed drastically and rapidly immediately after his hospital stay. He vacillated between being loving, caring, engaging, fun, and witty to spiteful, rude, harsh, critical, brooding, moody, obnoxious, erratic and just plain mean. We had the highest highs during the good times and the most crushing lows during the bad. Over time, our bad days began to outnumber the good. To me, an engagement is just marriage without the certificate, I had already promised him myself forever, so he had me. I stood by him. Really for no reason other than I'd promised and I was attached. Our relationship was miserable by then. He had killed my joy and was sucking the life out of me.

Our relationship got rockier and rockier over the ensuing months. I was truly unhappy; mainly due to his emotional instability and erratic behavior. One day, Huck left a bottle of potent antipsychotics on the dresser. Not mood stabilizers, actual antipsychotics prescribed to him. I didn't even know he was medicated beyond sleep aids. Apparently, he hid them in his truck which I never drove as I loved my Jeep. I pressed him further about his mental state, telling him it was important that he be honest and forthcoming with me if I were to be his wife, that open and honest communication was imperative for a marriage to survive. He threw a fit then began a silent treatment which lasted several days. During his childish tantrum, he'd had his behavioral health records printed out and mailed them to me. He actually mailed them despite the fact that we were living together... How dramatic, and just over the top obnoxious is that?!? 

I read every page of the MASSIVE parcel. His records revealed that he had been diagnosed with Bipolar Personality Disorder, Narcissism, Schizophrenia, ADHD, and Borderline Personality Disorder in his youth. His diagnoses had not changed and he had omitted/outright lied about his mental health when he joined the army. They wouldn't have let him in otherwise. He'd experienced visual and auditory hallucinations since childhood. He had both suicidal and homicidal ideations. His mother had a priest come to EXORCIZE him and bless their home when he tried to kill his younger brother during their teens. The priest apparently failed and declared Huck and their home beyond hope. He's from the backwoods swamplands of Louisiana and despite being Roman Catholic, his family believes in witchcraft and voodoo and all that mess. So, they later tried a voodoo witch doctor who refused to make eye-contact with Huck and would not enter their house. Per his psychiatrist, "it's remarkable that the patient is able to function in society and maintain employment/self care." Apparently, usually people with Huck's level of psychosis are institutionalized, imprisoned or homeless. His "last tour of duty" was in South Korea manning a tiny clinic which saw American soldiers for stuff like colds and sprained ankles for less than a year in 2009!!! He did NOT have combat-related PTSD. He had never SEEN combat. HE HAD NEVER EVEN DEPLOYED!!!

I came to understand, through reading the records that, during the week Huck disappeared, he had been involuntarily admitted to the psych ward because, one night, he'd told his friend, Don, that he saw "demons who told [him] to kill people" by "skinning them alive" and that these demons whom he called by name told him "I should start tonight with you" referring to Don. Don knew about Huck's psychosis and dialed 911. Huck was delivered to the hospital with police escorts and immediately admitted. He was only let out a week later because he'd admitted to not taking his meds and he and his parents had signed documentation to make Don his legal guardian. This was not the first time he'd been involuntarily admitted. None of these things had Huck ever told me.

I finished reading the documents on a Sunday. We were supposed to wed that Monday. I thought long and hard about how horrible our relationship had been for the past few months and how miserable my life would be if I married him. We're both Roman-Catholic, so divorce would not be an option. I thought about how mental illness is often genetic and how I'd have to give up on the idea of ever being a mother to avoid being trapped loving his psychotic children unconditionally. I thought about how his "demons" might make me a target and I'd end up chopped up in his deep freezer or buried under our house. I was 23 and not ready to throw my life away; to give up on my desire for sanity, safety and happiness for some rebound guy. I kissed him goodbye that night. I didn't even pack. I called him from my car to tell him I quit. Huck still wasn't speaking to me. He was relishing in the drama and childishness of giving me the silent treatment. I left a voicemail letting him know it was over. I didn't look back.

Unfortunately, we'd had a condom break the night before our big fight and hadn't worried about it because we were getting married so soon after. I absolutely called my gynecologist in the middle of the night on a Sunday and made him promise to place an IUD first thing Monday morning since it was a few days too late for Plan-B. I slept in my car in front of my gynecologist's office and was up bright and early for my appointment. Of course, I had to relay my entire tale to him and take a pregnancy test, which I passed (I would have only been 7 days along) before he would place it. I don't regret it for one second.

Huck stalked me for a few months, making threats, begging me to come back, saying he wanted to drop of my stuff, and such. We were both still in the army so I was super easy to find. He would show up at the hospital where I worked and make a scene. I'd just lock myself in the medication room or isolation room and call security. I felt like I was living in a tacky soap opera or a bad Lifetime movie. I hate drama and have no patience for unnecessarily dramatic people. It was incredibly embarrassing to explain my situation to my boss and coworkers but they were understanding and began to watch out for him and call security before he made it to my floor. My older brother packed up his business and moved his life across country to come live with me and we never told ANYONE but immediate family where we lived. Soon, I rarely saw Huck at all. Then, a few months later, Huck got kicked out of the army and moved back in with his parents in Louisiana. He continued calling for a while. I never answered. Eventually, I gave up on the idea of him stopping his attempts to make contact and just changed my number. I haven't seen or heard from him since. 

I feel uniquely blessed to have learned the true nature and scope of Huck's psychosis prior to marrying him. He had thrown up numerous red flags and I had ignored all of them. I feel that the opportunity to read his medical records was the swift kick in the pants to let me know I needed to run for the hills. If I had married him I would be depressed, dead, or divorced by 24 years old. None of those labels appeals to me. My sister tells me all the time that I "dodged a bullet." I believe I dodged Hiroshima, Chernobyl, and Auschwitz combined. 

I understand that people with mental illness need love and understanding but love is truly NOT ENOUGH. Understanding is not enough. I'm not a psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist, counselor or other mental health professional and there fore I'm not qualified to provide the help and guidance mentally ill people require. I lack the education tools and training to be of any real help. I'd just be an enabler or a victim. Some say there's strength in suffering to love someone. I think thats incredibly naive of the sufferer and selfish of the one causing the suffering. I believe there's more strength in loving oneself enough to choose not to suffer unnecessarily especially for someone who will NEVER reciprocate.

I also understand that Aspergers is very different from personality disorders and schizophrenia. I dunno how I'd handle a romantic relationship with someone on the Aspergers or autism spectrum but I have a feeling that we wouldn't even make it beyond a few dates in the first place due to the way I communicate and the way I need my partner to communicate. Most all of my emotion is conveyed via tone of voice, body language and other non verbal cues. What I say is never as important as how I say it and in what context it's said, so I don't think an Aspie and I would make it very far beyond friendship or professional cordiality. 

Anyway, I was blessed to realize my marriage would suck and end quickly and bitterly before I entered it and I chose not to get married. I chose not to be a martyr; not to live some overly dramatic train wreck of a life and I feel I made the very best decision ever. The only thing I regret is the year and a half I wasted trying to make it work with him. If anyone should find themselves in the position I was in, I would suggest without fail that he/she run for the hills immediately and don't look back. 

I swear to you, I feel blessed and grateful EVERDAY that I am not his wife, grateful that I am not the mother of children with his complex mental illnesses, grateful that I don't have to co-parent any child with him. I'd have to love my children; loving him was optional.

Most people with huge insurmountable issues show red flags early on. Don't be naive or ignorant. If you see blazing red flags, RUN!! Run as fast and as far as you can.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MandyPoo said:


> .......I "dodged a bullet." I believe I dodged Hiroshima, Chernobyl, and Auschwitz combined.
> *
> I understand that people with mental illness need love and understanding but love is truly NOT ENOUGH. Understanding is not enough. *
> 
> ....Most people with huge insurmountable issues show red flags early on. Don't be naive or ignorant. If you see blazing red flags, RUN!! Run as fast and as far as you can.


I think you dodged the repeat of the universe creating 'Big Bang' there...christ!

This is the unfortunate burden of the enabler, the stable mind that holds it all together. Whilst in the thick of it you always err, believe the reverse - that love IS enough. 
Why? because you get too many times when the mental illness subsides and you live a wonderful fullfilled life with this person ........... BUT it's only short lived - there's a shelf life to the return of the demons 

And 'understanding' it is also something of a fallacy - you can never really do that, you only ever really catch the fall out of it and continually try to patch up their minds. It's always in reality an ongoing 'botch' job

In reality, and you only see this at the end when the 'love' fog is lifted, _they could never ever get better_ medication or not counseling or not because they lack the internal 'policing' of mind to judge their own behavior. 

I look back on my times in this crazy relationship and realize it would have been far better for me if she was more seriously afflicted as it's then so much easier to know what you can and cannot live with yourself but when it's all buried in the murky grey world of a bunch of personality disorders and a mix thereof it's easy to mask all or any mixture of those with your own all consuming powerful 'love' that like a knight on his steed will allow you to beat off the demons and make her / him a healed and better person 

One real down side to all this is that any woman I even look at now is going to get 'vetted' is going to have the 'rule of mental thumb' right in her face. 

I can't imagine going there again. Just rather be on my own


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Tulanian said:


> This question really applies to both spouses in a marriage where mental issues are involved: if you had known beforehand, would you have gotten married anyway?.


NO. My ex is an alcoholic and I have been dealing with that for the past 3 years. But he is also narcissistic, self centered, arrogant and just plain mean and emotionally abusive and for over 20 years I've basically just felt like crap. Had I been as strong back then as I am today I would've left and saved myself a lot of grief. My marriage was just what I DID not need after growing up in dysfunctional household with cold, disapproving parents. Plus, I have battled anxiety and depression myself over the years and all this just made it worse. 

And even if there weren't any issues involved I wouldn't have gotten married. Marriage is NOT for me and just made my mental problems worse, much worse. I don't like being trapped in any situation and if anything traps someone, it's marriage. Adding kids to the mix made it worse, although now I couldn't imagine living without them. My two children are the ONLY good things to come from my marriage but to be honest, if I could go back and live it over I just couldn't put myself through that living hell, even for them.  

Now that I'm rid of my ex husband it's amazing how much better I feel, even as a single mother and having to deal with all the crap his past actions continue to dump into my lap financially I'm much able to deal with things because I don't have his sorry as$ to deal with. The minute he stopped living with me my stress level went down dramatically and I was able to deal with things much better. 

I will NEVER, EVER get married again. It's not for me in any shape or form.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Headspin said:


> This is the unfortunate burden of the enabler, the stable mind that holds it all together. Whilst in the thick of it you always err, believe the reverse - that love IS enough.
> Why? because you get too many times when the mental illness subsides and you live a wonderful fullfilled life with this person ........... BUT it's only short lived - there's a shelf life to the return of the demons
> 
> ....
> ...





Freak On a Leash said:


> I will NEVER, EVER get married again. It's not for me in any shape or form.


Agree with both. I often wish I didn't have to deal with this. Currently dealing with dear spouse's depression. My approach is to take my son out so he (we) don't have to deal with mommy's "grumpy"ness. It is TOO true that pleasant times nowadays with her are short-lived.

I am totally miserable and I don't have anyone close in my life to share/talk about this with.


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## jerseygirl123 (Jun 1, 2013)

I have bipolar disorder. The mania only really came out after I met my current husband. I have suffered from depression most of my life. I do everything right: I take my pills, I take vitamin D, I go to a class, I exercise, I garden, I keep busy. I have a psychiatrist. I am usually fine. 

My husband has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. For those of unfamiliar with this diagnosis, it means borderline to psychosis. Most people with it suffered mental and or sexual abuse. They have severe abandonment issues. They lie to save themselves. They can be very self centered. 

I love my husband very much. I don't like to be baited until I become manic, cursed at, sometimes physically hurt, never able to go anywhere alone, and I really hate that nothing is ever really his fault. Ever. 

Would I marry him again? I would like to say yes. I love him. If he took his medicine (he says he doesn't need it and doesn't like the way it makes him feel), went to a counselor, and went to anger management, and just acted like he was really trying, I'd be so happy.

Every day is the same. If he's not happy, no one in the house is happy. Borderline is so hard to live with. He's been married three times before and I know it's because of the way he acts. I don't know why he doesn't think he needs help.


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## Tikori (Dec 28, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> She told me she had "issues" but that's like describing the ocean as occasionally slightly damp. I do love my wife and I'll stick it out but *it should be a felony for someone in her condition to enter into a marriage contract.* I might as well have signed up to be an unpaid mental health-care provider.


I was going to fully write my own post, but you summed it up for me too perfectly.

My husband is diagnosed BPD. I do love my husband, always have, but if I knew then what I know now. No. I would probably have tried to stay together for a while longer, maybe be friends and help him once the therapy really started and he got the diagnosis (can you believe I was the only one who figured it out, he's a 9 out of 9 on the DSM for it!) but not marriage. 

Unfortunately there were little to no signs for me to tell what I was really walking into, as the BPD monster did not rear it's ugly head until after we were married. I could probably live with a lot of what the borderline entails; the projecting, mirroring, insecurity, rages, etc, so long as he was being treated, but the lying, cheating, passive aggression, defensiveness and just plain cruelty make my life a living hell. I don't recognize the person I see now, he no longer even remotely resembles the person I married.

As unbelievable said, it should be a felony to contract yourself to an innocent person like this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In both of my failed marriages, the answer would most definitely not be a cursory "No!"

It would be an unfettered  "HELL, NO!" 

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't wish that kind of hell, even on my worst enemy!*


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

Tikori said:


> As unbelievable said, it should be a felony to contract yourself to an innocent person like this.


Pretty much this.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

And that's why I suggest you only marry after spending lots of tine with soon to be spouses parents and immediate family.

A lot of mental health issues are hereditary or are caused by family dynamics or both. Had I ky own that my wife's family should be on the cover of DSM IV I would definitely not have married her.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

A B S O L U T E L Y N O T

Although my wife was never a nyphomaniac I never even suspected that after two children she would basically go off sex completely.

My wife and I are not even on the same page, book or even library!
She is not interested in sex and is not interested it what my needs are. She told our MC that I would just have to accept it.

I now resent her bigtime. If we are still together when I am on my death bed (I don't intend to be) my final words to her will be something like 'Maybe now I will find an angel who will love me physically...'

Had I known then what I know now...there is no way I would have married her.

Yes I love my two children, its why I stay, for now. But had I walked away many years ago I am sure that I would have had two children with someone else who I love just as much.


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## MsPnd (Mar 3, 2015)

I've been pretty much been a lurker like AnonFrank has written, but this post has struck a nerve with me as well. This is an interesting question and one I had to answer. This is my second marriage and I can say unequivocally had I known my spouse had mental issues while we were dating, I would not have married him.

Since being married, I've seen and dealt with things that have brought me to brink of wanting to run for hills . The latest episode happened this past weekend when my granddaughter came for an overnight visit. I cannot and will not take any more of his accusations and mental abuse. I cannot fix him and I am confident that he doesn't want to be fixed.

Last night I took my wedding rings off and I doubt I'll be putting them back on. I am so angry and hurt. I'm done.


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## J.deere (Jul 8, 2015)

My wife has anxiety and I'm sure something else. My answer is no. Its a tough question because we have kids and I wouldn't not want not to have them. But its been a struggle marriage wise and I deserve better. I hate to sound like that but I'm sure if I knew how it would turn out for me I would have done things differently.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* While my original answer still resonates as a "Hell to the No," with both WW's seeking their infidelic pleasures as an end to a means, I am so very thankful that if one positive thing came out of my first marriage, it was my two sons.

God has never given me a more meaningful and so loving gift that I find myself thanking Him constantly for!*


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

Dealing with someone who didnt tell me they had these issues that they had prior to marriage and figuring out a way to go forward it brings this one thing to mind. 

Have you guys ever seen the no cat on youtube? Sorry for the humor, but that is how I feel. 

Honestly, honesty would have been the best bet because instead of getting married I would have done the wait and see method. 
Wait with this individual, probably conduct relationship with them as friends and decide from there. I have seen too many breaks and 
outbursts in the past 4 years to feel differently.`


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

This is easy. No way. And honestly it would have been better for both of us.

She could have found a nice clean guy who lives by rules and convention.

I could have maybe found a free spirit.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

I would have walked away. It takes so much out of the other person the deal with a spouses mental issues. Most cases the normal spouse endures way to much. You loose yourself in there mess and that isn't what life is about. At least not mine.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I would have married neither the boy's mother nor my infamous RSXW!

I greatly and so erroneously believed that adultery was something that happened only to other people and never to good faithful and loving men like me!

Fate would help insure that I would get hit with a double whammy of victimization and deservedly so ~ for being the consummate dumba$$!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

If I could go back in time I would tell myself to walk away from my wife before I married her. Her dad had a mental breakdown about a year after we were married and only then did I find out that her grandmother was continually hospitalized for mental illness and that her dad also suffered from depression. My wife has Depression, ADHD & OCD and it has been a living hell for me. I have been the father and mother during her bad times. All three of her conditions affect the way we spend money. Our kids are starting to show signs of depression. I am married to four different women, I never know who is going to be in bed with me when I get up each day. If OCD wife is the wife of the day I am met with constant belittling and condescension, “When are you going to fix this, why don’t we have a bigger house?” If ADHD wife is the wife of the day then I am met with someone who is going to start five projects and expect me to finish them. If depressed wife is the wife of the day then I am met with “When are you coming home, when are we going on vacation” The only thing that keeps me here is wife #4, normal wife is still a beautiful person who I love, but she comes around less and less the older we get.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i certainly would, even knowing all the pain and hardships i would face dealing with my wife's mental health issues. 

some people might label my methods of dealing with crazy as cruel, unfair, draconian, or cold hearted. but today, i have a functional and happy marriage, married to a very functional and happy wife, even while dealing with a lifestyle that is more stressful on a marriage than most "normal" couples will ever have to deal with. 

people typically find it unfair or cruel to tell a depressed spouse that sits around in pajamas all day long eating doritos while mindlessly browsing the internet that if they do not get off their backsides and clean the house, then the router and cable box will be physically removed from the premise that night, and then follow through with it when they get home and find that nothing has been done. they would rather just mention their disapproval of their behavior, ask them to go to the doctor, and eventually bail if the depressed spouse doesn't seem to improve themselves. meanwhile the depressed spouse makes attempts and fails because they have not practiced effective coping mechanisms long enough to form new habits, ultimately strengthening their feeling of hopelessness and slipping further into depression. how many people really have the patience to consistently apply motivation until a new normal is established?

people balk at the idea of having to provide consequences for destructive behavior, claiming that they shouldn't have to act like a parent to someone they are married to. they would rather refuse to provide the motivation for the "principle" of it and abandon the person who they claimed to love. because that is easier than being "the bad guy".

when their relationships start to crumble, they would be abhorred by the idea of telling a mentally ill spouse that if they do not start speaking their love language, then one of their own love languages will be taken off the table in return. they say that if it has to be forced or coerced, it isn't "true" love, or that they don't want to have to be that kind of a person. besides, they are mentally ill and nothing can be done. 

how many of you would be willing to tell an abusive spouse that you are going to record all of your conversations with them so that you have a clear record of their abusive behavior, specifically for the purpose of forcing them to start behaving appropriately until they form new coping strategies and have learned to control their anger? how many of you would be willing to hand over finances to your spouse knowing full well they are going to set you back a couple of years worth of work within a few months in order to let them experience the terrible fear and shame of knowing that they messed everything up with their own choices and actions, all for the goal of getting them to finally be willing to work with you as a team? and furthermore, how many of you could do that without resenting them for it?

most people would not be willing to do such things. but they are usually ok with the idea of leaving a spouse with severe mental issues whose greatest fear is being abandoned. 

you know what real true love is? here is a hint: it's the most difficult kind. true love is being the kind of person your spouse needs, even if its not the kind of person you originally wanted to be. if you want them to be someone different from who they are, someone they do not even believe they can be, then you have to be willing to change who you are as well. 

the only reason i was able to overcome my wife's mental disorders was because i was able to love someone i had to practically coerce into learning how to function normally and be happy. 

some of us may love our children that much, but very few of us would dare love a spouse that much.


when i married my wife, i barely knew her, but i chose to love her, and that really had nothing to do with her. today i may not be the man i thought i would be when i married her, but i am proud of the man i have become, and i am DAMN proud of her.


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

No. I knew about 10% of the craziness and that was after being an item but living separately for four years. I was ok with that 10%. Married now for 5.5 years the full force and effect is a daily soul-stripping misery. The other 90% of her craziness--bi-polar, alcoholism, flight issues--are grinding me up.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

If I had known about his depression and anxiety... No.. I would not have married him.

I feel like he tricked me into believing he was someone he wasn't... for over a year.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

im_tam said:


> This is easy. No way. And honestly it would have been better for both of us.
> 
> She could have found a nice clean guy who lives by rules and convention.
> 
> I could have maybe found a free spirit.


Reading that mad me stop and think for a sec. Your post sums up alot for me


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## vtwife (Mar 31, 2016)

Headspin you hit a nerve with me. I have put up with mental illness in my H for years and years. Again I have lived a life of walking on eggshells. I recently found out he has been less than honest with me and he has turned it around that I am spying on him. I think we are at a crossroads, the kids are grown and if we split would I care.......yes, but a peaceful life seems so appealing.

There wasn't really mental illness in my family growing up, so I had no clue as to what it meant, what it truly was, an how hard, heartbreaking it would be to deal with. So if I could somehow have my two great kids, I would say no I wouldn't marry if I knew how hard it would be


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## vtwife (Mar 31, 2016)

BBF said:


> No. I knew about 10% of the craziness and that was after being an item but living separately for four years. I was ok with that 10%. Married now for 5.5 years the full force and effect is a daily soul-stripping misery. The other 90% of her craziness--bi-polar, alcoholism, flight issues--are grinding me up.


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