# Wife neglecting her career



## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

I've been married for almost ten years, we have 2 year old daughter. My wife and i are in the same occupation, and we met in the university. From the beginning it was always agreed that she would work even after having children. Over the course of our marriage i had to always push her to invest time in her career (which requires constant learning). This caused countless fights and threats of divorce. In my opinion she acts irresponsibly and immaturely. Despite all that, and with my constant suffering she managed to stay employed till now (after losing few jobs). Now again, instead of spending time on developing her core competence, she wastes it reading about remote and useless subjects while claiming that she needs it for work. As someone more senior within the same occupation i can say that what she does is completely useless, and it undermines her long-term employability, but mere mentioning of it causes her to explode.

Furthermore, to enable her to spend more time on her professional development, i took all home chores on myself, but instead of gratitude, she found more time to waste on some absurd stuff.

I don't know what to do as i clearly see where it leads (eventual unemployment). To be honest, had it not been for our daughter i would've left her because i'm tired and exhausted from her nonsense, immaturity and irresponsibility.

May be i should just accept that she will eventually become unemployed and live with it, but i think it's horribly unfair.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Maybe she doesn't like the field that she majored in. Or as a mother she changed? What do you what from her? Is she wasting money and time on classes she doesn't need? Do you think she lost her way or focus? 

What does she want? Does she know what she' wants long term?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop acting like her father. It is reasonable to ask that she contribute to household expenses but beyond that it's not your business. She's not you and you're creating a parent/child dynamic that is not good for the marriage. If your sex life isn't suffering it will be, because nobody wants to sleep with their father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Maybe she doesn't like the field that she majored in. Or as a mother she changed? What do you what from her? Is she wasting money and time on classes she doesn't need? Do you think she lost her way or focus?
> 
> What does she want? Does she know what she' wants long term?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First of all she always _said _that she liked the field that she majored in. Second of all - what she's reading about is completely unrealistic in her situation. Consider an engineer looking for senior executive roles with serious companies. It's like me (also an engineer) thinking of becoming a lawyer. In the meantime her professional competence is eroded with each passing year.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> It is reasonable to ask that she contribute to household expenses but beyond that it's not your business. _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she loses her job and unable to find another one in her field, there will be no way for her to contribute to household expenses. And it is my business because eventually i will have cover everything.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Have you tried being supportive and encouraging rather than controlling, overbearing and self-righteous?

She hasn't lost her job yet, so until she does, butt out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PeterInBoston said:


> If she loses her job and unable to find another one in her field, there will be no way for her to contribute to household expenses. And it is my business because eventually i will have cover everything.


No it's not. If she loses her job in this field she'll have to find a job in another one. If she can't contribute and you have to cover everything you might need to evaluate the marriage. Bottom line is you can't nag or lecture someone into being motivated if they're not, you can only assume a daddy role which wreck the marriage anyway. Tell her you're not going to parent her but it's not fair that you have to cover everything if she can't cover her end. Then butt out and observe, and make your decisions accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Have you tried being supportive and encouraging rather than controlling, overbearing and self-righteous?
> 
> She hasn't lost her job yet, so until she does, butt out.


She lost her job several times in the past. Each time it was a nasty firing. Her boss did not have to take to her nonsense like i do.

I have tried being supportive (doing everything i can to help), but i can't be supportive in ruining her career.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Bottom line is you can't nag or lecture someone into being motivated if they're not, you can only assume a daddy role which wreck the marriage anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


May be you're right - then i know how it ends. Too bad for the child, for her and for me. I guess immaturity and lack of responsibility is a normal fact of life and cannot be corrected.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Why did you marry and have a child with this woman that you feel is so irresponsible and immature?


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Why did you marry and have a child with this woman that you feel is so irresponsible and immature?


I've been asking myself the very same question. I guess youthful optimism and lack of experience. All along i was hoping that the situation would improve, that she would mature...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PeterInBoston said:


> May be you're right - then i know how it ends. Too bad for the child, for her and for me. I guess immaturity and lack of responsibility is a normal fact of life and cannot be corrected.


There's also the small possibility that she's coasting because she knows you're there. If the marriage ends she'll have to keep a job, and people have a funny way of stepping up when they have to. Make your boundaries cleatr, and also make clear what the consequences for violating those boundaries are, then step back. My sister was a bum until she couldn't mooch off of mommy and daddy anymore, then all if a sudden she started to figure things out. You have every right to decide what you will and won't live with, just make it crystal clear that you won't live with this. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> There's also the small possibility that she's coasting because she knows you're there. If the marriage ends she'll have to keep a job, and people have a funny way of stepping up when they have to. Make your boundaries cleatr, and also make clear what the consequences for violating those boundaries are, then step back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for advice. Funny thing is, though, that being immature, she does not care about future consequences. Also she could live off our her half of the settlement for quite a while without desperately having to work - basically blowing through the money that we worked so hard to save.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PeterInBoston said:


> Thanks for advice. Funny thing is, though, that being immature, she does not care about future consequences. Also she could live off our her half of the settlement for quite a while without desperately having to work - basically blowing through the money that we worked so hard to save.


Yeah, that does suck. Consider everything until this point a sunk cost; you still have the rest of your life ahead of you, and that money won't last her forever. Her day will come and she'll be older with a crappy job history when it does; unfortunately, the longer your stick around the more it will cost you. Savings, bills, AND alimony because you'll end up supporting her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> AND alimony because you'll end up supporting her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What?? She's an educated person that used to earn a decent salary. So if i divorce her when she's unemployed (due to her own fault and despite my protests), i'll end up supporting her with alimony???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

PeterInBoston said:


> What?? She's an educated person that used to earn a decent salary. So if i divorce her when she's unemployed (due to her own fault and despite my protests), i'll end up supporting her with alimony???


Well the laws vary by state but I meant that if she ends up not working for a long period of time with you supporting her, she might make the claim that she didn't work for X years and needs "help" getting on her feet. Judges have been known to order it in a limited fashion, even with an educated spouse, depending on how long a spouse is unemployed. Probably wouldn't apply right now, just throwing it out there as something to think about down the road if you stick around with a lazy person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well the laws vary by state but I meant that if she ends up not working for a long period of time with you supporting her, she might make the claim that she didn't work for X years and needs "help" getting on her feet. Judges have been known to order it in a limited fashion, even with an educated spouse, depending on how long a spouse is unemployed. Probably wouldn't apply right now, just throwing it out there as something to think about down the road if you stick around with a lazy person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for helpful advice - i really appreciate it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I confess I'm kind of confused what advice to give here as everything is so vague.

- What career is this?

- What kind of "constant learning" is required? Like - constantly being in college? 



> Now again, instead of spending time on developing her core competence, she wastes it reading about remote and useless subjects while claiming that she needs it for work. As someone more senior within the same occupation i can say that what she does is completely useless,


- Again what specifically are we talking about? Is she - a Biologist taking Lit Classes about the Lord of the Rings? Also, you used the word "useless" twice in that sentence, if every time I talked to my husband about something, he constantly referred to it as "useless" - I'd be kind of ripped up.



> It's like me (also an engineer) thinking of becoming a lawyer. In the meantime her professional competence is eroded with each passing year.


Uh - people go back to school and totally switch career directions all the time. 



> She lost her job several times in the past. Each time it was a nasty firing.


What was she fired for exactly? Was it "eroded professional competence?" What exactly got her fired? How many times has she been fired? 



> but i can't be supportive in ruining her career.


Maybe she wants to switch careers. And maybe consciously, or subconsciously - get fired is the way she's trying to accomplish it. Would you support that? Or are you only going to be supportive if she's in this career, doing things exactly the way you think she should do them?


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Are you financially in a position for her not to work? Have you ACTUALLY looked at how much is spent on day-care as compared to your wife's income? 

I also think that perhaps you are more resentful of taking over the household chores (wow, interesting women have been doing this for decades without a thank you or atta-girl...seems like you got a taste of what working moms have been dealing with since the 60s when divorce and women in the work-force "revolution" took place)

Sounds to me like your wife is depressed....take some steps back a bit on the resentment...and see if you can help facilitate her getting help. She may have some postpartum depression, she could have had a change in how she views her life now that she is a mother and a wife...things perhaps could be completely different from how she imagined it...

Your career goals are your own, seems like you are sitting in judgement of her...any way you look at it...it is a bad position to take with someone you are supposed to love unconditionally.....someone you are tied to forever regardless of whether you stay married or not.

I hope that you take an agonizing reappraisal of the situation. 
Does your resentment show in your face when you look at her? Have you let your failed expectations cloud your actions? Have you withheld intimacy...physical or emotional since your child was born?

I am outside looking in, and the feeling I got from your words was that she has given up..she can't win for losing and now she is stuck in a marriage with an unsupportive (emotionally) spouse, with a toddler and a less than fulfilling job (and notice I used the word JOB here since it sounds like this isn't what she wants to do.) Perhaps there is something that she wants to do that could dovetail with being a mom of a toddler......perhaps get her teaching credential for your state and see about being a teacher, she would have same schedule as your child will...maybe she likes gardening and would love to work in the local florist shop after little daughter goes to preschool..maybe she likes it so well you invest and buy a flower shop......life, relationships, marriage...constantly evolving.....the family tree...the branches are growing will they grow together or apart? it takes work, patience, nourishment, support, love...

I also got the feeling that you are actually willing to work on things to make life better for your family. I'm hoping that my take on things gives you a different way of looking at things or thinking about things.
I hope you and your wife figure out what you need to do to heal your Family.

The old phrase "Happy Wife, Happy Life" is pretty accurate.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Hmmm I re-read some of the earlier posts.

Sounds to me like you are only interested in your wife for her financial contribution...and some sort of "status" thing to do with her keeping up with whatever this elusive career in which you speak.

If this is the case, then I hope she gets out quick before she gets stuck with another baby with you and finds a career she enjoys and a man who adores and supports her.

You do realize that lots of College Educated people are unemployed? 

I chuckled when I read what you wrote about paying alimony, such a smart educated person you are, not aware of the financial ramifications of marriage and/or divorce...I'm not even going to bother to point out the the scars left with your toddler when you decide that "life is too short" to take your marriage vows seriously and to do the work necessary to be a real man and support the family you made.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm very interested to know what has transpired in the past three months.....

Did he do the right thing?

Are they separated?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

PeterInBoston said:


> First of all she always _said _that she liked the field that she majored in. Second of all - what she's reading about is completely unrealistic in her situation. Consider an engineer looking for senior executive roles with serious companies. It's like me (also an engineer) thinking of becoming a lawyer. In the meantime her professional competence is eroded with each passing year.


Well, not too sure she's messing up, my husbs is an engineer with a masters in business he's in a leadership role. I'm in HR I see it happen a lot. If she has the experience and is a natural leader she may be up to something good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PeterInBoston said:


> First of all she always _said _that she liked the field that she majored in. Second of all - what she's reading about is completely unrealistic in her situation. Consider an engineer looking for senior executive roles with serious companies. It's like me (also an engineer) thinking of becoming a lawyer. In the meantime her professional competence is eroded with each passing year.


Your examples here make little sense.

If she is an engineer and reading about things pertaining to senior executive roles in a serious company good for her!! She could end up in a senior executive position.

If she's an engineer and thinking about becoming an attorney... that's a very good mix as well. 

I am an engineer who is now in management. My engineering skills are far from the only ones I use at work. I deal with a lot of legal issues: contracts, information law, and on and on. For this reason I have a team of attorneys in my company that I often call on to help me. Some of them used to be engineers. Them having the technical knowledge helps.

So if these are the types of things that you think she is doing wrong... that she is wasting her time on.. you are indeed out of line. Having a broad knowledge base will help her.

Your taking on all the house work so that she can concentrate on her career is not working out well. This sort of arrangement seldom does. Instead the two of you need to share household chores and child care 50/50. Then each of you develop your own careers as you wish.

Right now her career is going fine. She's earning an income right? But you are getting very upset, putting her down and being hateful about her for what might happen in the future. This makes no sense at all. This is not mature, nor healthy behavior.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

mablenc said:


> If she has the experience and is a natural leader she may be up to something good.


Not only she's not a natural leader, but she actively despises it. She hates managing people after briefly trying it. 
*The problem is that she thinks that senior executives sit in the office and play "LEGO" with company structures and products - this is what she's interested in....* I'm not even talking about likelihood of moving from engineering position to senior management without passing the middle management.

P.S. i'm myself a manager with engineering background working in financial industry.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your examples here make little sense.
> ....
> So if these are the types of things that you think she is doing wrong... that she is wasting her time on.. you are indeed out of line. Having a broad knowledge base will help her.
> 
> Right now her career is going fine. She's earning an income right? But you are getting very upset, putting her down and being hateful about her for what might happen in the future. This makes no sense at all. This is not mature, nor healthy behavior.


In terms of her career she's rapidly approaching a dead end with her core competency rapidly eroding, while any hopes of materially "switching career" to something like executive management being in her early 40's is completely unrealistic.

I may do many things wrong, but as someone working in the same industry with over 20 years of experience stretching from entry-level engineering to mid-level management, i can tell whether the person is advancing or killing his/her career.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> I'm not even going to bother to point out the the scars left with your toddler when you decide that "life is too short" to take your marriage vows seriously and to do the work necessary to be a real man and support the family you made.


I believe both partners need to take their marriage vows seriously. And not the only ones exchanged in the church. A marriage is created with certain mutually-agreed assumptions. Yes, situation can change but the change should be accommodated within the framework upon which the marriage was created. Each partner should honour his obligations. I wonder what would be your reaction if i decided to abandon my career and eventually become unemployed (she would never take a minimum wage job).


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I've got to confess, that at this point, OP - your responses seem mostly geared in seeing how pedantically obtuse you can make your answers, without ever actually answering some of the finer questions that people raise. 

So - I'm uncertain what insight you'd like people to provide.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

It sounds like you are applying a left-brained approach to a right-brain problem. You can't "fix" her. She is not a project. Nor is she obligated to stay in a career simply because you want her to. 

You both need counseling. Maybe you more than her. 

You can't deal with her as an engineer. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

How old us your child? I don't think most mothers can foresee how they will feel once they have their child. 

Maybe she needs time with her child? 

How are your finances? Is it fees able for her to stay home for a while and focus on parenthood. Then look at her career in a few years and maybe even change professions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Peter:

You are in a tough spot and need to proceed carefully. You have every right to expect that she - as a talented adult - contribute at a certain level to the family needs (monetarily and otherwise). OTOH, you cannot dictate how she does it; that does not take into account her preferences.

I feel your frustration. My ex also had trouble looking at the bigger picture in the workforce to see how hard others work. But dictating from up high - even when you know you know better and are trying to save her pain, will trigger resentment.

I think you need to heed the advice you got to partner with your wife on this issue. Instead of telling her "no", tell her "let's see how we can meet your needs and the family needs". As long as she's contributing XYZ, she can do so as she sees fit.

So, if she wants to take a management job somewhere, that's fine as long as she contributes to the home. If she wants to go to school and learn a new skill, it should be done in a manner that does not place the family at risk (i.e. go to night school instead of quitting her job; go to a reasonably priced public university instead of an expensive private school).

You would only ask the family not be permanently harmed as she finds something she wants to do. A new job should allow her to contribute as much as she does now (either monetarily or in other ways). Going to college has a cost, and that cost should be offset by higher future contributions.

A side benefit to this approach is once she is accountable for results, she may consider her actions more carefully. I recall when my ex wanted to go back to school, I supported her and was helping her research the local public schools. When she noted she wanted to go to a small private college, I noted that said school would cost at least $100k more but she was could as long as she absorbed the tuition differential from higher pay down the road.

Another time, she wanted to pursue a degree from some unaccredited school - the kind of deal where the institution is not well-known and you could not transfer the units to a different school. In either event, she thought I would absorb whatever costs there were. Once it was clear she too would have to sacrifice, she lost interest.

You too might learn about her level of commitment by trying that sort of arrangement. If she agrees, then you know she might be serious about it and can at least let her try something different. If, OTOH, she complains and says you should cover the cost, you have some idea of what she expects your relative contributions to be in the marriage, and proceed accordingly.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

DTO said:


> Hi Peter:
> You have every right to expect that she - as a talented adult - contribute at a certain level to the family needs (monetarily and otherwise).
> ....
> You too might learn about her level of commitment by trying that sort of arrangement. If she agrees, then you know she might be serious about it and can at least let her try something different. If, OTOH, she complains and says you should cover the cost, you have some idea of what she expects your relative contributions to be in the marriage, and proceed accordingly.


First of all thanks for informative and non-judgemental reply. 
I fully agree with your statement but would like to clarify several points.

She's earning relatively high salary and increase is unlikely regardless of additional education, so financially it cannot be justified. I accept that she could theoretically have aspirations to another profession with similar income, but switching field in early 40's, and growing to this level of income in a new field is not very realistic (it took MA degree and 20 years to get to where she's now). Again, nobody insists on equivalent income, but it has to be something meaningful.
She's does not want to switch to another profession, just (IMO) having unrealistic expectations about her existing one.
Getting a long-term commitment requires certain level of maturity on her part, which i'm afraid is not there. From the experience, the most likely outcome is repeated loss of interest followed by abandoning the program (regardless of sank cost)
There is a serious problem with repetetively broken promises and commitments. When she does not fullfil her own commitments, her standard response is that "i should not have given that promise". Statistically speaking, this is the most likely outcome.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Basically, she does this because she gets away with it. Stop funding her laziness.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> Basically, she does this because she gets away with it. Stop funding her laziness.


I'm sorry but I get so offended every time I see this on TAM, which is a lot. The assumption is always that the wife is mooching money off the husband and only uses him for that purpose. It sounds like she is making a very good salary, almost equal to the husbands. So as long as she has a job, how is he "funding" her "laziness"?

If the husband is screwing up, nobody ever tells the wife to "cut him off from sex". However, whenever a wife screws up, the first solution is to cut her off from money. How is that right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I wasn't talking about her being a female. I was talking about one educated professional choosing not to make use of their career because the spouse is already paying for everything. Lots of men do that, too.

I thought he said she was between jobs. Is that not right?

IF he's tired of working while she goofs off, stop giving her money to goof off with. She'll eventually get off her butt and start earning money again.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

No, in this case, his wife is working but he just feels that she isn't spending her time in ways that will further her career. He is afraid she may be fired but she is working now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh, my bad. Eh, just back off, then. Her choice how to spend her career, as long as she's working.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So she's not showing commitment to the things she has started? Could it be she has ADD or ADHD, or just needs to mature and focus in her field and stop wasting time and money on things she's not following through with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Am I reading correctly that she is in her 40's? with a two year old child?

It's very draining to gestate and birth a child in the 40's. BTDT. She may also be perimenopausal and she has a toddler now. I'd rather she neglect her career than neglect your two year old child.

Yet 



PeterInBoston said:


> *She's earning relatively high salary* and increase is unlikely regardless of additional education, so financially it cannot be justified. I accept that she could theoretically have aspirations to another profession with similar income, but switching field in early 40's, and growing to this level of income in a new field is not very realistic (it took MA degree and 20 years to get to where she's now). Again, nobody insists on equivalent income, but it has to be something meaningful.
> She's does not want to switch to another profession, just (IMO) having unrealistic expectations about her existing one.
> Getting a long-term commitment requires certain level of maturity on her part, which i'm afraid is not there. From the experience, the most likely outcome is repeated loss of interest followed by abandoning the program (regardless of sank cost)
> There is a serious problem with repetetively broken promises and commitments. When she does not fullfil her own commitments, her standard response is that "i should not have given that promise". Statistically speaking, this is the most likely outcome.


I have two engineering degrees (BS, SM) and I gave up engineering when I had my first child. The field was so demanding in terms of time investment that I did not feel capable of being a good mother AND a good engineer. 

That was in 1984 and I have no regrets. I have since re-tooled gone back to school and have a second career as an RN now that my children are all in school.

My husband was an engineer in 2008. He is no longer an engineer because there was a HUGE economic retraction and he lost his job and was unemployed for 13 months. He's talented, and very well educated (PhD) but companies don't want 55 yo expensive engineers. They'll hire the young bucks or the cheap Chinese immigrants.

To me, your words come across like you think your wife is an incompetent failure (even though she has somehow made it into her 40's and still has a job in engineering after an economic collapse PLUS gestated and birthed a child recently). If I can hear the contempt it in a post on a forum, I'm betting she can feel it.

There is more to life than money, Peter.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its the old bait and switch.

I'm a career woman until a baby come along then all bets are off.

stand your ground or you will be sorry!


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

Blonde said:


> To me, your words come across like you think your wife is an incompetent failure (even though she has somehow made it into her 40's and still has a job in engineering after an economic collapse PLUS gestated and birthed a child recently). If I can hear the contempt it in a post on a forum, I'm betting she can feel it.
> 
> There is more to life than money, Peter.


I'm not sure you read all my posts:

She had daughter when she was 39.
Her job is not too demanding (9-5), and she does not complain about it. For instance RN is way more demanding job.
She needs to stay current with the developments in her field to say employable.
Instead of doing that, she's wasting time on reading senior executive-level books and claiming that she needs it for work.
As a mid-level manager in the same field with over 20 years of experience, i can tell i would fire such an employee sooner or later. Several of her previous bosses did just that...


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

mablenc said:


> So she's not showing commitment to the things she has started? Could it be she has ADD or ADHD, or just needs to mature and focus in her field and stop wasting time and money on things she's not following through with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bingo!


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> Oh, my bad. Eh, just back off, then. Her choice how to spend her career, as long as she's working.


Absolutely - it's HER choice. The only problem - some careers require investment of effort to stay in that career. As someone from the same field i can tell you that she will not be working for too long doing what she's doing now.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

PeterInBoston said:


> I'm not sure you read all my posts:
> 
> She had daughter when she was 39.
> Her job is not too demanding (9-5), and she does not complain about it. For instance RN is way more demanding job.
> ...


I did read your posts, Peter.

RN, is shift work so my husband is often home when I am at work--> no need for daycare/nanny. And I work 0.6 FT so that I can have the best of both worlds. 

My engineering job was 9-5, add the commute 8-6, and I got home and was tired. I decided mothering was more important to me and THANK YOU LORD!!! I had a husband who was supportive of that decision. 

I don't know the statistics but I bet not many people who become an engineer at age 22 retire from engineering at age 65. Me and H were BOTH engineers and are not anymore.

from Engineers not generally happy at work | EE Times

Wrote SVJR: 

“I would advise anyone entering college to definitely NOT study to become an Electrical or Computer Engineer… *I sacrificed too much of my personal life for my profession and I now very much regret it. You lose valuable experiences with your family and your employer doesn't appreciate any sacrifice you make for your job or the company.”*​
Add to that Green Cards for foreign engineers Best? Brightest? | Center for Immigration Studies and forget about engineering! You think your company will still want you when they can get two foreigners for what they pay you?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

H is a medical physicist. Depending on what kind of engineer she is, your wife could chip away at that degree and be all credentialed by the time the baby is in school and it pays really well and has great job security in States with high regulation.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Not in a million years would I encourage my daughters to be engineers. Doctors and PA's. Those jobs have flexibility. You can opt to do a couple shifts a week per diem and bring in a tidy amt.

Oldest DD (an MD) makes $1000 for ONE SHIFT at the hospital.

Engineering is far too intense for a mommy! JMO


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> its the old bait and switch.
> 
> I'm a career woman until a baby come along then all bets are off.
> 
> stand your ground or you will be sorry!


Here we go again. Do you guys HEAR yourselves? Did you READ the thread? Why do you make this STUPID assumption?

This woman is not trying to quit her career to take care of her child. The OP simply thinks that she isn't training in the items that he feels could help keep her current and employable. She's choosing to read senior-executive level type materials. Wow, what a lazy B*tch!

He also indicated that this has been a long pattern of conduct, which started way before they had a baby.

Why don't you guys pull your heads out of your a**es before making these comments?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> How old us your child? I don't think most mothers can foresee how they will feel once they have their child.
> 
> Maybe she needs time with her child?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I'm assuming that the OP and his W only have the one child, and he/she was born comparatively late in the W's life. Pregnancy could have taken its toll on her, and the birth of the child could well have coincided with her becoming peri-menopausal If this is the case, it could well have impacted on her career aspirations.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> Basically, she does this because she gets away with it. Stop funding her laziness.


The OP has told us that:-



> She's earning relatively high salary and increase is unlikely regardless of additional education, so financially it cannot be justified. I accept that she could theoretically have aspirations to another profession with similar income, but switching field in early 40's, and growing to this level of income in a new field is not very realistic (it took MA degree and 20 years to get to where she's now).


I'm not getting the impression that he's funding her, or that she's lazy, but rather that she lacks the drive / ambition the OP would like her to have...


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Pete, you can only control yourself. Your wife has to figure this out on her own. Okay, she might get fired. If so, that's entirely on her - and on her to figure out how she continues to contribute to the household. You can be emotionally supportive without holding her hand through it.

If her career decisions are bothering you so much, then pull away from them. It's adding stress to both of you. That may mean you pull back a bit from any career discussion; if she asks why, be upbeat and calmly tell her that you think she is doing it wrong but recognize she has to make her own decisions, and then change the subject. Do not be drawn into debates but leave the room if she gets mad about it. This does two things. One, she will (hopefully) appreciate that you are not trying to micromanage her, and if she knows she is going down the wrong path - now without your "safety net" of a guiding hand - it may trigger more openness to your opinions. Two, you reduce your own stress, which makes you happier and less tense - and thus a better partner and father. You can build a contingency fund if she out of work for a while - which can morph into a bailout fund in the possibility she gets canned and is unable/unwilling to get work again. But seriously, if your posts are accurate, you are tearing yourself up over this. Not worth it.

Control you. You can't control her.

Lastly, stop this:



PeterInBoston said:


> Furthermore, to enable her to spend more time on her professional development, i took all home chores on myself, but instead of gratitude, she found more time to waste on some absurd stuff.


If you are both working full time, neither of you should be doing all the household duties. She should carry her end. If she refuses ... well, that's where that contingency fund begins it's transformation, since that tells you where her mind really is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Worst case she gets fired again. And can't, or won't, find another job. You need to decide how you will handle that possibility. Is it a deal-breaker? If so, begin planning for it now.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I'm not sure this is about a career, more that you just don't seem to like her very much? I dunno, I read disdain and contempt in your posts


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> The OP has told us that:-
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not getting the impression that he's funding her, or that she's lazy, but rather that she lacks the drive / ambition the OP would like her to have...


 Cosmos, we cleared this up yesterday; I misread and thought she wasn't working. I took it back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dollystanford said:


> I'm not sure this is about a career, more that you just don't seem to like her very much? I dunno, I read disdain and contempt in your posts


 Me too!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Here we go again. Do you guys HEAR yourselves? Did you READ the thread? Why do you make this STUPID assumption?
> 
> This woman is not trying to quit her career to take care of her child. The OP simply thinks that she isn't training in the items that he feels could help keep her current and employable. She's choosing to read senior-executive level type materials. Wow, what a lazy B*tch!
> 
> ...


pop head now out of my a$$ 

and guess what I still stand by my comments! time will tell.

how many time has she been fired? not very responsible in my book.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Not everyone is capable of being a high achiever at their job. You have to accept your wife for who she is. A marriage is a partnership. You have to set things up so both of you use your inate skills and talents, whatever they may be, for the betterment of your family as a unit. You are trying to pee up a tree by making her be a successful worker when that's clearly not going to happen.

I"m really suprised that you care more about your wife's ability to have career success than her ability to be a mother or her sexual nature... But I digress.


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## PeterInBoston (Jul 5, 2013)

Satya said:


> Yes, I am reading the same. OP, despite the predicament, which I can sympathize, you seem to be very bitter that your wife isn't performing her work to your standards.
> ...
> she decided that since you were so successful and have such high expectations, she couldn't meet them, so is subconsciously checking out. It seems like you may have put her on a pedestal or envisioned she was exactly on the same path as you. You paint a picture of how you expect her to behave, and are disappointed and let down that she has not lived it. That is controlling on a most basic level.
> ...
> One of the most hurtful things he said to me before divorce was, "you're not as smart as I thought you were,"


I can understand your opinion as something borne out of seemingly relevant experience, however i this is not the situation in our case.

I don't dislike her as a person, she has a very good and caring character.
I'm not trying to micro-manage her and have always encouraged independence.
Since many years ago it was clear for both of us that we're on different career paths. She never measured herself against my success, nor did i ever expected the same from her.
It's one thing to not being star achiever in your field (most of people aren't), it's a whole other thing to neglect your career and end up unemployed.
I think that she's smart (intellectually) and have always told her that. The problem is that she's *immature *as a grown-up person, and does not realize that what it takes to stay afloat in the real-world (as opposed to her imaginary world of Hollywood-like genius executives).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PeterInBoston said:


> IThe problem is that she's *immature *as a grown-up person, and does not realize that what it takes to stay afloat in the real-world (as opposed to her imaginary world of Hollywood-like genius executives).


 So?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You did your best to choose your wife. You then impregnated her. This is how llfe works. Sometimes people fully reveal themselves sometimes they don't. Now you have to react and adapt, rather than force her to be something she's not...


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Satya said:


> Yes, I am reading the same. OP, despite the predicament, which I can sympathize, you seem to be very bitter that your wife isn't performing her work to your standards.* If I didn't know you were married, I'd think you were her boss.* You said that if you were, you'd fire her, which might be an accurate and honest action as its been demonstrated by her previous employers.


And if I didn't know his occupation, I would think he was.....an engineer. 

In my experience, engineering seems to draw very logical and analytical people who like logical, orderly, systems that function correctly. Folks like that tend to see people in the same way they view systems or machines. They either function to specs or they do not. The ones that don't function to spec need to be fixed, or to fix themselves. The engineer will often wear himself or herself out trying to create an outcome where the other person gets fixed, and the other person's failure to comply with being fixed may not go over well. What they often fail to consider, or perhaps simply fail to fully believe, is that people are different. And that having other opinions, goals, and feelings is not a malfunction, or anything that needs to be "fixed". Two people may have differing, even opposing, views or feelings without one of them being wrong or broken.

My advice, OP, is to stop micromanaging your wife. If she wants to spend her free time reading Cosmo or painting her nails or watching bad sci-fi, that's on her. Make it clear you do expect her to contribute financially to your home, and that henceforth all housework and childcare will be shared 50/50. After that, leave it alone. Right now, you're fretting about her possible future unemployment. You want to control the future, but you can not "fix" your wife so that she functions within the parameters you set. You can only establish and maintain your _own_ boundaries and decide what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. You cannot force anyone to change or to be how you wish them to be.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Yup ^^^^

Having worked in the aviation business for 30+ years I've had many run-ins with the engineering world, and personalities. You've nailed it.

Sometimes management (me) has had to tell them "it's good enough, stop tweaking it!" Because they will, ad naseum, unless you stop them. 

I appreciate the engineer's dedication and mindset, but in personal real life, it doesn't apply as well as, for example, a quality manager mindset might.


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