# Self worth



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

All,

I am rapidly coming to the realization that my biggest problem is self worth. I have none of it and its really hindering my ability to build healthy relationships. Also, I generally feel down a majority of the time because of it.

I am a good looking, fit 38yr old man.

Always been able to attract very good looking women. Sucessful in my career and have a ton of friends. I really have no reason to feel this way yet I do.

Until I am able to get passed this I feel I will continue to live in this rut.

Im sure this is a common theme amongst these boards. Id like to hear comments on this subject. Tips perhaps...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

So what it is about you that you feel is 'less than'? What triggers these feelings?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Self worth comes from being, more or less, the person you want yourself to be. 

So where's your disconnect? Are your personal standards for yourself too high or is your achievement of those goals too low?

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Lila said:


> So what it is about you that you feel is 'less than'? What triggers these feelings?


Always second guessing myself personally. Never really feel comfortable in a relationship like I always have to give more. Its really a shi$ty way to live.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

unbe said:


> All,
> 
> I am rapidly coming to the realization that my biggest problem is self worth. I have none of it and its really hindering my ability to build healthy relationships. Also, I generally feel down a majority of the time because of it.
> 
> ...


This is something I can't wrap my brain around either.. you don't sound like an under dog, beaten down.. put down.. sounds you are successful in work (this shows intelligence -huge confidence booster)... easily attract hotties (mega confidence booster) ...and have a slew of friends (obviously you are somewhat charming / enjoyable to be around)... what else does a man want in life ??


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Cletus said:


> Self worth comes from being, more or less, the person you want yourself to be.
> 
> So where's your disconnect? Are your personal standards for yourself too high or is your achievement of those goals too low?
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


Ive been told that I expect too much from people. I expect them to give as much as I do. Apparently I give WAY to much


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

unbe said:


> All,
> 
> I am rapidly coming to the realization that my biggest problem is self worth. *I have none of it and its really hindering my ability to build healthy relationships.* Also, I generally feel down a majority of the time because of it.
> 
> ...


people that have self-worth as you describe....don't attract quality women (quality=good looking but not crazy); they typically are not successful; tend to have few friends

So, what is it that your inner voices are telling you? 

When did this start? What else was happening? 

Why do you believe you need a "reason" for a feeling?


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is something I can't wrap my brain around either.. you don't sound like an under dog, beaten down.. put down.. sounds you are successful in work (this shows intelligence -huge confidence booster)... easily attract hotties (mega confidence booster) ...and have a slew of friends (obviously you are somewhat charming / enjoyable to be around)... what else does a man want in life ??


I want this feeling to go away. That feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach like the shoe is always about to drop...Some of you know what Im feeling.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> people that have self-worth as you describe....don't attract quality women (quality=good looking but not crazy); they typically are not successful; tend to have few friends
> 
> So, what is it that your inner voices are telling you?
> 
> ...


I never said they weren't crazy, most of them are! I just said they are attractive. Any by attractive I mean 10s...All my friends always wonder how its possible. 

It started when I was young. Went away for a while but came back during my last marriage. 

I don't really need a reason for the feeling, more need a way to stop feeling this way


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

unbe said:


> Always second guessing myself personally. Never really feel comfortable in a relationship like I always have to give more. Its really a shi$ty way to live.


That's normal - we all feel like that from time to time. You need to be yourself - and you will find someone who likes your for the way you are. None of us are perfect. Your post make me feel sad :crying:. There is someone for everyone.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unbe said:


> I want this feeling to go away. That feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach like the shoe is always about to drop...Some of you know what Im feeling.


That sounds like an anxiety disorder, for which I would seek professional help.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

unbe said:


> Always second guessing myself personally. Never really feel comfortable in a relationship like I always have to give more. Its really a shi$ty way to live.


I agree. It IS a very sh!tty way to live. Your feelings of inadequacy are tied to your happiness. Happiness is however you define it. It sounds circular, and it is. 

I recommend two books.

Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment
Book by Tal Ben-Shahar

Wherever You Go, There You Are
Book by Jon Kabat-Zinn
(I have this as an audiobook that I listen to whenever I'm having similar feelings)

Have you had IC?


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

unbe said:


> Ive been told that I expect too much from people.


Maybe you expect too much from yourself.



unbe said:


> I expect them to give as much as I do.


You can't base your self-worth on what other people do or don't do. The only thing you can reasonably expect from some else is to treat you with respect. If someone doesn't do that, then it's time to walk away (and yes, I am taking my own advice here). That's what 'self-worth' is all about. 



unbe said:


> Apparently I give WAY to much


Why do you think that is? Are you trying to get something more from relationships with others? Or do you just think that it's your obligation to give so much?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Cletus said:


> That sounds like an anxiety disorder, for which I would seek professional help.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk


Thats kinda what I was thinking. Waiting for the shoe to drop...is an expectation of a negative event without any real evidence that should lead to that assumption. Have you considered, how often the shoe has actually dropped...versus...your expectation of its occurrence? 

I felt that way many years ago. My simple solution was to begin not giving a $hit about anything that won't kill me our mine. I make it work. Maybe you could give that a shot


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

unbe said:


> Ive been told that I expect too much from people. I expect them to give as much as I do. Apparently I give WAY to much


therein lies your problem........you have to let people be who they are and decide if that's enough for you. Not a bad problem to have.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

unbe said:


> I want this feeling to go away. That feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach like the shoe is always about to drop...Some of you know what Im feeling.


What you wrote here made me think of 'Imposter Syndrome' .....as on Wiki, referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a 'fraud'. 

Perhaps have a read about this and see if you identify, then how to overcome it. 

On the whole, I agree with (and ehco) Cletus. There may be a disconnect with the person you want to be - living congruently. Anxiety may also play a role in this where a professional could help.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> What you wrote here made me think of 'Imposter Syndrome' .....as on Wiki, referring to high-achieving individuals marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a 'fraud'.
> 
> Perhaps have a read about this and see if you identify, then how to overcome it.
> 
> On the whole, I agree with (and ehco) Cletus. There may be a disconnect with the person you want to be - living congruently. Anxiety may also play a role in this where a professional could help.


Wow!

Thanks for this, HB!

I can't tell you how long I have dealt with this and thought it to be normal.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

unbe said:


> Always second guessing myself personally. Never really feel comfortable in a relationship like I always have to give more. Its really a shi$ty way to live.


A lot less sheety than being in a marriage where you always feel you have to give more...


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's amazing, am roughly the same age, working on my second divorce, dead end job and living at my moms and I couldn't think more highly of myself. 

I think it's a matter of perspective. I often feel like I am not living up to expectations (of whom, I don't know). I go on facebook and see all these people who are directors or vice presidents or whatever and it makes me feel like I am doing life wrong. When that feeling of inferiority complex sinks in, I remember that none of this matters. Someone loves 247 years ago and is dead now and nobody remembers one lick of them. I'll be forgotten and maybe all that will remain is my social security number. While that seems scary, it is also liberating. I am only living life for me. I am the only one there when I close my eyes at night. 

Maybe that has nothing to do with how you feel, or maybe something may may you look at things differently. Live each day the way you want ands you will know that you are living up to your own expectations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Wow!
> 
> Thanks for this, HB!
> 
> I can't tell you how long I have dealt with this and thought it to be normal.


As the saying goes, what's most personal is most common. 

To recognize it within yourself, demonstrates you have a helpful level of self-awareness. Next is what you can do to help yourself.

Meanwhile I'm trying to overcome spelling 'echo' incorrectly. We all have stuff to deal with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I believe the best self worth comes from character, personal honor, personal responsibility. It is the one thing you have complete control over in your life, who you are as a person. It makes it easy to do the right thing because doing the right thing comes from a selfish motivation. 

Part of that is having priorities about what makes you successful as a human being, not money, not fame, not how you look, all those things are transient, it's how you treat others. Character above all else is what makes you successful in relationships too. But that doesn't mean people always treat you right, what it means is your success in the relationship has nothing to do with how they treated you but is in how you treated them. Now if you find a woman who feels the same way (which I agree is not easy) then look out, you will have a good marriage, family, life as it comes to your personal relationship.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

unbe said:


> All,
> 
> I am rapidly coming to the realization that my biggest problem is self worth. I have none of it and its really hindering my ability to build healthy relationships. Also, I generally feel down a majority of the time because of it.
> 
> ...


There are a few things at play:

1. You have objective reasons for which to be happy and feel worthy, of which you note.
2. You are comparing yourself to some arbitrary standard, coming up short of it.
3. You don't believe your rational mind, but the rambling self-doubts of the "inner-judge" (in the sense of Shauna Shapiro, PhD).


Here are some tips, and trust me, this is coming from someone that was plagued in my former years:
1. Stop thinking!
2. Become curiously aware with your lack of self-worth. Don't just realize what you feel, scrutinize it under a microscope.
3. Combat the thought/feeling with facts. The rambling negative inner voice loves rumination. Positivity prefers short and sweet. If you have questions, then answer them with facts.
4. Don't fight the thought/feeling. Let it come into your awareness, take action and then move on! It is a distraction, as if you realized you were thinking about pink elephants while driving. Be aware and then refocus to the task at hand.
5. Get busy. You are probably not busy enough to naturally quiet the mind. Again, curiosity helps to focus the mind.

Good Luck!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sokillme said:


> I believe the best self worth comes from character, personal honor, personal responsibility. It is the one thing you have complete control over in your life, who you are as a person. It makes it easy to do the right thing because doing the right thing comes from a selfish motivation.
> 
> Part of that is having priorities about what makes you successful as a human being, not money, not fame, not how you look, all those things are transient, it's how you treat others. Character above all else is what makes you successful in relationships too. But that doesn't mean people always treat you right, what it means is your success in the relationship has nothing to do with how they treated you but is in how you treated them. Now if you find a woman who feels the same way (which I agree is not easy) then look out, you will have a good marriage, family, life as it comes to your personal relationship.










... at the end of the day.. isn't it truly about THIS.. This is a great write up >> 8 Tips to Feel at Peace with Yourself .. I hope it can give you some inspiration @unbe ...this was written by someone who struggles with Borderline Personality Disorder & was an alcoholic at one time.. she's done her best to get her life together...she speaks of finding that "Peace" she has learned to walk in...

A part of the article here: 



> But the answer was so simple. You create your own state of mind by the things you *do*. And you cement that by the things you *tell yourself*.
> 
> As long as I behave with *integrity* every day, I can feel at *peace* with myself.
> 
> ...












Also some people are just too hard on themselves....maybe you lack "self compassion"... are you the type who'd show compassion to a friend in their time of need.. doing all you could to help them... but if you found yourself in the same shoes...you'd only beat yourself up...being way harder on yourself ?? 

Test how self-compassionate you are | Kristin Neff


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## joyousone75 (Oct 14, 2016)

Happiness is an every day choice. Get up every day and choose to be happy. Don't depend on others or things for your Happiness! You have the control...start believing it and living it. By the way, maybe you should start looking for a different type of woman! You mentioned they were "10's" which makes me believe you think superficial beauty is essential: and these same "10's" were crazy, lol! Attraction is a must, but physical perfection isn't. Start looking for woman of more substance, maybe it will make you feel better as well! Just my 2 cents!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Lila said:


> I agree. It IS a very sh!tty way to live. Your feelings of inadequacy are tied to your happiness. Happiness is however you define it. It sounds circular, and it is.
> 
> I recommend two books.
> 
> ...


Thank you for these recommendations, I will defin check them out.

I am in IC and have been for about 6 months now. Its gotten me to the point where I realized I have low self worth. Now Im trying to get over that fact


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Maybe you expect too much from yourself.
> 
> 
> 
> Why do you think that is? Are you trying to get something more from relationships with others? Or do you just think that it's your obligation to give so much?


I feel the more I give, the more I SHOULD get back in return. When I don't get that back, I get disappointment followed by anger followed by sadness.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

john117 said:


> A lot less sheety than being in a marriage where you always feel you have to give more...


Been there, done that my friend


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

sokillme said:


> I believe the best self worth comes from character, personal honor, personal responsibility. It is the one thing you have complete control over in your life, who you are as a person. It makes it easy to do the right thing because doing the right thing comes from a selfish motivation.
> 
> Part of that is having priorities about what makes you successful as a human being, not money, not fame, not how you look, all those things are transient, it's how you treat others. Character above all else is what makes you successful in relationships too. But that doesn't mean people always treat you right, what it means is your success in the relationship has nothing to do with how they treated you but is in how you treated them. Now if you find a woman who feels the same way (which I agree is not easy) then look out, you will have a good marriage, family, life as it comes to your personal relationship.


This speaks volumes...My problem is im pressing trying to make a women fit into this mold. Its not working...

Its hard to keep belief that there is someone out there willing to meet me on my level. That's what makes me second guess and think my level is unattainable for anyone else, hence my expectations being to high.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

joyousone75 said:


> Happiness is an every day choice. Get up every day and choose to be happy. Don't depend on others or things for your Happiness! You have the control...start believing it and living it. By the way, maybe you should start looking for a different type of woman! You mentioned they were "10's" which makes me believe you think superficial beauty is essential: and these same "10's" were crazy, lol! Attraction is a must, but physical perfection isn't. Start looking for woman of more substance, maybe it will make you feel better as well! Just my 2 cents!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Solid advice and very true.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Unbe, in another thread you talk about smoking weed semi-regularly. I am NOT anti-weed. I smoke it myself from time to time. But one thing that I notice is the different perspectives I see things thru when I have not smoked, when I have smoked and the next day.
When I haven't smoked it is easier for me to place things in perspective, formlate plans and see them thru. I am thinking clearly and concentrating on my thoughts and actions. I focus on my wants and needs
When I smoke I tend to be more critical of myself. I feel I am not living up to the expectations of others. Some of this may come from my perception of society's views on weed in general. Whereby most "successful" people shun it and look down upon those who use it. I think a lot of this comes from my XW. So I guess I tend to think from the perspective of others.
The day after I tend to try to reconcile those two perspectives. I revert back to considering my wants and needs (smoking pot being one of them as it is something I generally enjoy) but at the same time use the perceptions I have gained to drive myself forward.
I guess I am just saying that perhaps you need to smoke less and have more days after to drive yourself forward. Instead of just smoking to smoke, perhaps use it as a reward for achieving something.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

unbe said:


> I feel the more I give, the more I SHOULD get back in return. When I don't get that back, I get disappointment followed by anger followed by sadness.


So other people's inability to live up to your standards is hurting your self worth? How rational is that?

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

unbe said:


> I feel the more I give, the more I SHOULD get back in return. When I don't get that back, I get disappointment followed by anger followed by sadness.


A true gift is given without any thought of reward, what you are doing is bartering. it's different.

I think you need to start being honest with yourself about yourself. What you just described is a covert contract. There is nothing wrong with bartering, it is a part of life, but you can't act like it is a sacrifice, like a gift, cause it's not. Instead of hoping that if you do all this work for someone they will respond the same, you need to communicate clear boundaries and expectations. You will have much more success that way. Plus covert contracts are unfair. 

Part of weeding out the wrong people in relationships is not settling. Finding a good mate is a lot like when you go the the produce section and look through the oranges. You don't cherish the first orange you find. Part of that is having expectations early and communicating them. People who don't want to live up to those expectations will voluntarily exit. There are a ton of oranges so you shouldn't get your heart set when you find one that superficially meets your needs. Also learn to love the process of finding the right one. Make it about meeting people not (this is my only shot) like lots of people do. It's OK if some people don't work, that's life.


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Unbe, in another thread you talk about smoking weed semi-regularly. I am NOT anti-weed. I smoke it myself from time to time. But one thing that I notice is the different perspectives I see things thru when I have not smoked, when I have smoked and the next day.
> When I haven't smoked it is easier for me to place things in perspective, formlate plans and see them thru. I am thinking clearly and concentrating on my thoughts and actions. I focus on my wants and needs
> When I smoke I tend to be more critical of myself. I feel I am not living up to the expectations of others. Some of this may come from my perception of society's views on weed in general. Whereby most "successful" people shun it and look down upon those who use it. I think a lot of this comes from my XW. So I guess I tend to think from the perspective of others.
> The day after I tend to try to reconcile those two perspectives. I revert back to considering my wants and needs (smoking pot being one of them as it is something I generally enjoy) but at the same time use the perceptions I have gained to drive myself forward.
> I guess I am just saying that perhaps you need to smoke less and have more days after to drive yourself forward. Instead of just smoking to smoke, perhaps use it as a reward for achieving something.


I smoke very rarely. Maybe 1-2 a week and just a few puffs. But thank you for your feedback!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

unbe said:


> I smoke very rarely. Maybe 1-2 a week and just a few puffs. But thank you for your feedback!


You are welcome, I smoke about the same. But even then it may be something to consider. The half life of THC is estimated at 3 to 4 days. So even smoking as little as twice a week, may mean that you still have it in your system all the time. THC can affect your mood and outlook on life. Again just something to consider I am certainly not an expert.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sokillme said:


> unbe said:
> 
> 
> > I feel the more I give, the more I SHOULD get back in return. When I don't get that back, I get disappointment followed by anger followed by sadness.
> ...


Also maybe you should also look at if what you expect from a partner is unreasonable. Maybe you expect/want too much, and no one will ever be able to satisfy you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

On the thought of being unreasonable in relationships, or expecting too much .... can you tell us what your "ideal" is or what you are hoping to find ? We all long for "acceptance", for our quirks, the shortcomings we may still be struggling with...able to show ourselves vulnerable with someone & they still love us & want to be with us...and we, them.

I think these are 2 well written articles on *"Compatibility"*.. which can make or break any relationship...doesn't matter how good looking anyone is or how successful.. there are just some things that NEED TO BE ... to get along with another ....that we wholly accept each other's lifestyles, dreams.. sharing a similar vision , whether that be a life traveling together, raising a family, another shared passion...

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> 
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> ...


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

On the thought of being unreasonable in relationships, or expecting too much .... can you tell us what your "ideal" is or what you are hoping to find ? We all long for "acceptance", for our quirks, the shortcomings we may still be struggling with...able to show ourselves vulnerable with someone & they still love us & want to be with us...and we, them.


Sure. My Ideal is someone who is willing to go as far as I am willing to go which I realize is impossible because my driving force behind my so called good deads is co-dependency and an attempt to control the situation. 

For example:

1- Putting someone else's needs in front of mine in all aspects of life. Example, taking someone on vacation even throu8gh the said no because I want to show them what a good guy I am. Lets not leave out that by doing this Im struggling to pay my own BILLS because I am going away!

2- Always wanting to please someone sexually prior to meeting my own needs. A variation of above.

3- Offering to help when help is not asked for nor even warranted.

Yes, if I don't get this in return I feel like a failure. However, I know expecting this in return is insane. 

I know my faults, I know what I need to work on. My question is how do I get there?


As to your list above

1- Yes, we do.
2- Smooth, mainly because Im too afraid to argue and she's too stoned to care.
3- Sometimes. When we are together, yes. During the down times, I feel anxious.
4- Yes we do
5- No discussed, too early.
6- Yes.
7- Yes
8- I am in hers. She seems to be in mine.
9- Its building towards this.
10- Yes.
11- Perhaps too much so but Yes.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

unbe said:


> Im sure this is a common theme amongst these boards. Id like to hear comments on this subject. Tips perhaps...


Recently, turned 40 not too long ago, I've felt I have made some good progress in this area. Basically it comes down to this: I am important because I'm me. There will only ever be one of me. I don't let past mistakes define me. I seek forgiveness for them and then try to do better next time. 

A key part of this for me was realizing that I don't need anyone else's approval. Earlier this year I started reading that book "No More Mr. Nice guy" and the quote that hit me was this: "If you did not care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently?" This was a huge smack in the face for me as up until then I valued myself when other people were pleased with me. The problem was some of the things those people wanted from me were not what I wanted from me. So when I could divorce myself from that cause/effect then I was free to love me for who I am. 

I'm still working through it but I have a sense of peace now I didn't have before. Life is still jacked up sometimes but I do what I think is best and if someone else doesn't like it then too bad.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you're placing far too much emphasis on other people making you happy. You talk about it in the context of a relationship. I think that's backwards. You need to be happy with JUST YOU. Truly happy. Only then will you be able to choose a mate that enhances that happiness. You can never expect to find someone who 'makes you happy' when you have no clue what actually DOES make you happy!

I tell people this ALL THE TIME: figure out what you and you alone can do to be happy. What do you enjoy? What do you like doing alone? What do you think when you look in the mirror? How much time do you spend alone? What do you usually do when you are alone? 

Spend some time on self reflection and figure this stuff out, and then you'll be able to find someone to share it all with.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

"Toxic shame" = Low self-worth.

I highly recommend reading "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Self worth comes from the self. If you are assessing your self worth in any way due to what others say, or your visible success or impact on the world, then you are not dealing with self worth, but other worth.

There's an alternate approach that takes you up a notch spiritually - by that I don't mean religion, I refer to the original meaning of "spiritual" in terms of knowing, deeply, who you are - the intense and thorough knowledge of yourself - which is one of those wonderfully unattainable goals whose value lies in the pursuit, not the achievement of it.

To get a better write-up - in a bit of a "grab yourself by the lapels and shake hard" kind of way, find the website by Michael Edelstein about his book "Three Minute Therapy". He has a link to the book, which is presented in pdfs, chapter by chapter. Read Chapter 3, "self esteem". It provides you with a path for losing all sense of esteem - abandoning the concept of self-worth or self-esteem in its entirety, so that you can focus now on simply doing what you need, in order to realize the results you want, and putting no more thought into worth or esteem again. Nicely, doing it this way levels the whole playing field - if you can get to this state, you will be incapable of judging anybody else ever again.

DD


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

unbe said:


> Ive been told that I expect too much from people. I expect them to give as much as I do. Apparently I give WAY to much


This sounds like the concept of Covert Contracts (I hate to reference Glover but this is one of the few places he was actually on to something) expanded to color your view of all relationships. I can understand how you feel here. You want to keep doing for people because you feel bad if you don't. But when they don't return the consideration you feel...neglected? (is that the right word), which makes you feel like others don't think as much of you as you do of them. Which can also get you down on yourself.

I don't have much good advice, but if you make an effort to stop doing so much for others...that gets easier over time, and you don't feel as bad about it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Joey2k said:


> This sounds like the concept of Covert Contracts (I hate to reference Glover but this is one of the few places he was actually on to something) expanded to color your view of all relationships. I can understand how you feel here. *You want to keep doing for people because you feel bad if you don't.* But when they don't return the consideration you feel...neglected? (is that the right word), which makes you feel like others don't think as much of you as you do of them. Which can also get you down on yourself.
> 
> I don't have much good advice, but if you make an effort to stop doing so much for others...that gets easier over time, and you don't feel as bad about it.



What you said in blue here... if a struggle for @unbe

There is a book about healthy "Boundaries" that could shed some insight.... Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life 



> Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives:
> 
> * Physical boundaries* help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances --* Mental boundaries* give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions --* Emotional boundaries* help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others -- also *Spiritual boundaries * are discussed...Often we focus so much on being loving and unselfish that we forget our own limits and limitations.
> 
> ...


I read this many yrs ago.. it helped clear my mind in an area I felt I was being taken advantage of, with a friend anyway...I don't know that she realized it.. but I did address it.. sure beats starting to feel resentment, or bad about myself for not "doing doing doing", but laying my boundary line... it all worked out.. still good friends today...


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## Anon here (Nov 9, 2016)

unbe said:


> I never said they weren't crazy, most of them are! I just said they are attractive. Any by attractive I mean 10s...All my friends always wonder how its possible.
> 
> It started when I was young. Went away for a while but came back during my last marriage.
> 
> I don't really need a reason for the feeling, more need a way to stop feeling this way


You judge by physical appearance. Date 10s. Then question your self worth. Turn the mirror around. The answer is staring at you. You value that and fear others won't like what's behind it. Fix that.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

part of your issue is your expectations. You can't control other reactions based on what you do for them. When you give you need to give from your heart and truly expect nothing in return. 

People think that getting into a relation will make up happy. WRONG!! 

I scrolled through the post but didn't read every comment but there seems to be this theme with you that you expect things from people. If you set these type of expectations up in your mind you will be disappointed constantly.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

unbe said:


> All,
> 
> I am rapidly coming to the realization that my biggest problem is self worth. I have none of it and its really hindering my ability to build healthy relationships. Also, I generally feel down a majority of the time because of it.
> 
> ...


Try to google: self esteem or self respect and go here: 



 or go here: 



 ....any of these links to _self identity_ or _self realization_ can take you to many other similar teachings and realizations.
good luck


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

unbe said:


> Always second guessing myself personally. Never really feel comfortable in a relationship like I always have to give more. Its really a shi$ty way to live.


That's about Codependency - google it. :smile2:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

unbe, have you looked up toxic shame?


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

unbe said:


> I want this feeling to go away. That feeling deep down in the pit of your stomach like the shoe is always about to drop...Some of you know what Im feeling.


For me this is the spiritual emptiness that comes when I have forgotten the REAL me or Beingness. The Real I am is missing here in some strange way and all I have is this surface or limited little 'me'/ego/self. The only remedy I've found for this spiritual emptiness is within a philosophy or understanding called Advaita which is spoken of by guys like this: No Person - John Wheeler 



https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PLhFvhQIUj35yAUA8jK6Hbudxdv1meq6l0&v=SvmLnz18DYk





.... There are 100s of folks on line and in books who can help you go beyond the unhappy limits of your personal, little self to find who/what you really are, so happy sailing...........:smile2:


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

Lack of self worth is a pretty common feeling. I mean, we all go through those phases in which life is just beating us so it makes sense to not feel worthy, but in your case I really don't get it! It sounds like you have a lot going for you - more than average so you "should" be happy and confident. In comparison to a lot of the ugly, fat and poor men I'd say you're doing quite well.

One of the comments says you expect too much from other people. I get that. I really do. What I suggest is to try and be more accepting of other people and don't expect anyone to live up to your moral code except yourself. It's hard, especially when you're surrounded by people constantly lowering the bar, but other people are just that... Other people.

I say that as someone who gets really riled up or down by other people. Someone's mood and overall existence (if they're a regular member in my life) can really affect me so I get how hard the compartmentalization can be.

Good luck!


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## joyousone75 (Oct 14, 2016)

unbe said:


> This speaks volumes...My problem is im pressing trying to make a women fit into this mold. Its not working...
> 
> 
> 
> Its hard to keep belief that there is someone out there willing to meet me on my level. That's what makes me second guess and think my level is unattainable for anyone else, hence my expectations being to high.




I’m hoping you’ve met someone great you appreciates you by now!! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

unbe said:


> I feel the more I give, the more I SHOULD get back in return. When I don't get that back, I get disappointment followed by anger followed by sadness.


This right here is totally faulty thinking. You need to figure out why you think this way. 

See, you don't give to get, it has never been that way. You do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. 

And, you don't need to give more than so you can get something. 

Whatever the underlying psychological reasons are for this type of thinking, just understand that this is WRONG THINKING.

You know, I traditionally spoil the women that I am with because I like to. I like to see the smile on their faces because it makes me happy. 

Now, if they did not treat me the way they would not get to be with me, because I know MY worth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know that this is a zombie thread. But I would be interested to know how @unbe is doing. If you get this unbe, could you let us know?


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## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

So you asked for it, you got it. 

About a 2 months before starting this thread I was in the midst of serial dating during which time I met my now fiancé. We are currently planning a wedding and are going to be married by end of the summer. 

Yes, there are people out there who appreciate you going over and above and reciprocate in their own ways (which is what I have learned for all of this). 

They may not reciprocate in the way you are use to which is why it’s so tricky to see sometimes. 




EleGirl said:


> I know that this is a zombie thread. But I would be interested to know how @unbe is doing. If you get this unbe, could you let us know?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good to hear it. Did you guys get the book His Needs Her Needs and read it together? Best way to start a marriage.


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