# Cursing in front of children



## pastasauce79

Hello! This is my first pots! 

I'm part of a moms facebook group and one of the moms started a poll asking if cursing in front of the children is abusive or not. 

I voted yes because there wasn't another option (either yes or not) even though I understand parents do it (I do it) by accident. 

Most of the moms (millennials) voted no and said it's ok to curse around but not ok if you curse at the kid. Some said they cure like sailors.

I was appalled by reading these kind of explanations. Some said it's their right. Their home, their rules (of course the kid is not allowed to curse.) I said their explanations were terrible and I got cursed! (One of them said she could explain to me the many ways the word f*** could be used as.)

Am I the only one thinking this is terrible? What happened to self control and respect at home? And setting a good example for our kids?


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## Blondilocks

I'm with you. Kids are taught to not run or yell inside the house - too bad parents don't hold themselves to some standards of behavior. Kids are sponges and if they hear something being said often enough, they will interpret that as normal behavior. The next thing you know, the kid's in the principal's office for cussing out the teacher. It isn't the kid's fault - it's the parents'.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

It's simply best to set an example and not curse, so kids don't follow suit obviously, and some parents being too lazy and low class to understand it's absolutely best to not teach kids cursing is always the norm.

Dummies.


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## moco82

These parents may not be aware of the hot water their kids might get into when they go about repeating those words elsewhere.

That said, I'm noticing a desensitization to curse words in English-speaking countries. Perhaps only the F-word remains mostly off-limits.


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## bobert

No, I don't see cursing as abusive. I'm not abusing my children by using words that aren't even directed at them or said to them. Words they are going to hear eventually, FAR sooner than you'd like, and they are going to use them eventually (whether in your presence or not). Why shelter them? I'd rather they hear them at home and be taught when it's appropriate to use them (if at all), both in and outside of the house, and what words are even swear words. They are just words. Words that they started hearing at school in _kindergarten_. My children picked up FAR more swearing from school than at home. Now that they are being homeschooled, they rarely swear - even though they hear it at home.

I swear a lot and loudly when I get pissed off or frustrated. So am I teaching my kids crappy coping methods for being pissed off or handling frustration? Yes, I'll admit that. My wife hates it, she hates some of the behaviors my kids have learned from me, she is constantly telling them that I need to handle myself better and how they should respond instead, and they call me out all the time. But are they being "abused"? No, that's ridiculous.

My wife swears in front of the kids too, but less often and more in everyday conversation, and it happens to be mostly in French or Swedish. The kids have yet to pick up on it like they have in English, though they do use all 3 languages.

My kids also run and yell inside the house. The horror!  Do they act like that in public or while at other people's homes? Nope. Kids can learn what is acceptable and what isn't, and the rules don't have to be the same inside and outside the home.


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## RandomDude

My daughter started cursing before she could even form a proper sentence together. I do swear like a sailor when my daughter isn't within earshot but ex never blamed me for it as kids are exposed to it very young.

She doesn't swear nowadays however, the way I taught her is that cursing is normal sure, anyone can do it, but people are judged based on how they speak, and tell her to make a choice how she would like to be perceived. Thankfully, she's already made her choice and we don't even need a swear jar for her or anything like that and she calls out kids for what we call "trashy talk".

If anyone needs a swear jar it would be me. In fact, she's the one who calls me out on it lol


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## Livvie

bobert said:


> No, I don't see cursing as abusive. I'm not abusing my children by using words that aren't even directed at them or said to them. Words they are going to hear eventually, FAR sooner than you'd like, and they are going to use them eventually (whether in your presence or not). Why shelter them? I'd rather they hear them at home and be taught when it's appropriate to use them (if at all), both in and outside of the house, and what words are even swear words. They are just words. Words that they started hearing at school in _kindergarten_. My children picked up FAR more swearing from school than at home. Now that they are being homeschooled, they rarely swear - even though they hear it at home.
> 
> I swear a lot and loudly when I get pissed off or frustrated. So am I teaching my kids crappy coping methods for being pissed off or handling frustration? Yes, I'll admit that. My wife hates it, she hates some of the behaviors my kids have learned from me, she is constantly telling them that I need to handle myself better and how they should respond instead, and they call me out all the time. But are they being "abused"? No, that's ridiculous.
> 
> My wife swears in front of the kids too, but less often and more in everyday conversation, and it happens to be mostly in French or Swedish. The kids have yet to pick up on it like they have in English, though they do use all 3 languages.
> 
> My kids also run and yell inside the house. The horror!  Do they act like that in public or while at other people's homes? Nope. Kids can learn what is acceptable and what isn't, and the rules don't have to be the same inside and outside the home.


My oldest got on the bus for the first day of kindergarten an innocent lamb and came off the bus that afternoon with all the knowledge of the world. No, but kinda. Anything and everything you have shielded them from at home will be revealed to them in short order if they attend public school! I found the bus, on which kids of different grades ride together, to be the area of highest transmission. "I heard it on the bus". 

I swear. I swear in front of my kids. Both of them turned out to be fine young men who never swear in public and one doesn't AT ALL even with his friends. 

I have a professional job and don't swear at work. But I do at home.


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## moulinyx

Yikes.

I try not to curse in front of our 2-year old. Maybe is the fear of mom shaming, but I’d be mortified if I got a note from his daycare that he f-bombed or something. I don’t know how we will navigate this as he gets older, but I think he should have to secretly curse like the rest of us did as kids and be polite around adults/parents/in public.


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## Mr. Nail

Where I grew up there was house language and barn language. The mother's enforced the separation of barn language from home. Usually with the swift application of the hairbrush to the bottom end of the offender. There is a story about 2 young brothers who decided they had enough of mom's tyranny and they made a pact to swear at the very next breakfast. The mother asked the first son what he wanted for breakfast. He cleared his throat and steeling himself declared that he would have some of those damn corn flakes. Mom didn't even blink. She grasped him firmly by the ear, applied the hairbrush to bottom twice and sent him packing to the barn. Then as sweetly as if this had never occured turned to the younger son and asked, "what would you like for breakfast?" What could he do? He just said, "Well I sure as hell don't want them cornflakes".


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## pastasauce79

bobert said:


> I swear a lot and loudly when I get pissed off or frustrated.





Livvie said:


> I swear. I swear in front of my kids. Both of them turned out to be fine young men who never swear in public and one doesn't AT ALL even with his friends.


I don't know if it's abuse. I don't like it. I've never liked it. 
From my personal experience, my mom and my grandmother cursed a lot and I always felt uncomfortable and embarrassed for them. My dad almost never lost his temper and almost never used foul language. 

My siblings and I rarely swear. We all cringe when we hear our mom swear. 

My shock was to read: it was the mom's "right" to curse at home. I mean, I picture it in my head the mom telling the 3 year old, "it's my right! Deal with it, but don't even think about you doing the same!" "Do as I say, not as I do!" 

I don't think it's appropriate. I don't even curse in front of my husband. And I know kids learn a lot from other kids. I know my kids have heard even worse things, but that doesn't mean they are ok with them. They call me out when I say "sh**" or "cr*p" and I think there's no real need to say them. 

What's the purpose of cursing anyway?


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## Diana7

I never swore or cursed in front of my kids, my then husband occasionally did, and they never did at home. I totally hate to hear children so young using bad languge, its clear who they get it from. Parents who tell their children not to curse yet do it themselves are being completely hypocritical. We need to set a good example to our children. Our grandchildren never hear bad language in their home, not from their parents and not from us.
My parents never swore in front of my brother and I.


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## attheend02

You started your post with a reference to a poll that asks if something is abuse.
I think the bar to abuse is much higher than whether someone swears in front of children.
Is doing so causing damage to their self-esteem? is it directed at them?

Its two different questions for whether something is abuse or is something is appropriate.


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## Diana7

moco82 said:


> These parents may not be aware of the hot water their kids might get into when they go about repeating those words elsewhere.
> 
> That said, I'm noticing a desensitization to curse words in English-speaking countries. Perhaps only the F-word remains mostly off-limits.


Yes and its sad that so much cursing is so widely used now.


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## pastasauce79

Livvie said:


> My oldest got on the bus for the first day of kindergarten an innocent lamb and came off the bus that afternoon with all the knowledge of the world. No, but kinda. Anything and everything you have shielded them from at home will be revealed to them in short order if they attend public school! I found the bus, on which kids of different grades ride together, to be the area of highest transmission. "I heard it on the bus".
> 
> I swear. I swear in front of my kids. Both of them turned out to be fine young men who never swear in public and one doesn't AT ALL even with his friends.
> 
> I have a professional job and don't swear at work. But I do at home.


One of the things I said was, we use polite language at work, because we have to, but show no boundaries at home? We swear at home in front of the most important people in our lives? I don't understand this.


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## pastasauce79

attheend02 said:


> You started your post with a reference to a poll that asks if something is abuse.
> I think the bar to abuse is much higher than whether someone swears in front of children.
> Is doing so causing damage to their self-esteem? is it directed at them?
> 
> Its two different questions for whether something is abuse or is something is appropriate.


It might have hit a note with me because my mom had no restraint when it came to swearing when she was mad or frustrated. 

Did it caused any damage? It definitely made an impression. This is why I don't swear in front of my children. This is why my siblings don't swear either. It's a weird feeling to have towards your mom.


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## attheend02

pastasauce79 said:


> It might have hit a note with me because my mom had no restraint when it came to swearing when she was mad or frustrated.
> 
> Did it caused any damage? It definitely made an impression. This is why I don't swear in front of my children. This is why my siblings don't swear either. It's a weird feeling to have towards your mom.


I'm sorry you had that experience.

I occasionally heard my parents swear. It did not leave any lasting impression on me other than possibly normalize swearing. 
Other things they did have more lasting impressions, but I would never feel they were abusive.

I really believe that abuse is somewhat overused.


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## attheend02

attheend02 said:


> I'm sorry you had that experience.
> 
> I occasionally heard my parents swear. It did not leave any lasting impression on me other than possibly normalize swearing.
> Other things they did have more lasting impressions, but I would never feel they were abusive.
> 
> I really believe that abuse is somewhat overused.


Although not unimportant. Not trying to minimize abuse where it occurs.


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## Livvie

pastasauce79 said:


> One of the things I said was, we use polite language at work, because we have to, but show no boundaries at home? We swear at home in front of the most important people in our lives? I don't understand this.


Yes. I sometimes swear at home in front of the people I love the most and who are the most important to me. I also wear my pajamas at home in front of the people I love the most. I also share my innermost thoughts and feelings at home in front of the people I love the most. I also have the most fun at home in front of the people I love the most.

You get the picture....

It's your judgement call that swear words at home are a negative, horrible thing. Your judgment does not apply to everyone.


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## Mr. Nail

My wife ran into that entitlement to swear thing back when she was working fast food. It's a weird industry where anyone over 35 is the adult or senior citizen in the room. One of her new teenaged recruits started popping off with swears in easy hearing of the customers. When she called him in to explain company policy to him his response was, "those words are part of my vocabulary and you can't limit my use of my vocabulary". Well by the end of the week he was swearing in someone else's kitchen.
That is what happens to kids who learn how to swear. They get to work in places worse than fast food.


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## bobert

pastasauce79 said:


> I don't know if it's abuse. I don't like it. I've never liked it.
> From my personal experience, my mom and my grandmother cursed a lot and I always felt uncomfortable and embarrassed for them. My dad almost never lost his temper and almost never used foul language.
> 
> My siblings and I rarely swear. We all cringe when we hear our mom swear.
> 
> My shock was to read: it was the mom's "right" to curse at home. I mean, I picture it in my head the mom telling the 3 year old, "it's my right! Deal with it, but don't even think about you doing the same!" "Do as I say, not as I do!"
> 
> I don't think it's appropriate. I don't even curse in front of my husband. And I know kids learn a lot from other kids. I know my kids have heard even worse things, but that doesn't mean they are ok with them. They call me out when I say "sh**" or "cr*p" and I think there's no real need to say them.
> 
> What's the purpose of cursing anyway?


Well, I just asked one of my kids how he feels when I swear or yell in general and his answer was "Disappointed. Really, really disappointed". I asked if he felt anything else (mad, happy, embarrassed, scared, etc.) and to each one he said no - but came up with situations when he does feel those things (so he wasn't just lying). He also said he feels disappointed in himself when he accidentally says a bad word. 

Why do people swear? Most of the time, it's cathartic. It's a way to express or vent frustration, anger, surprise, etc. It can be a way to emphasize how ****ty  or great you're feeling. It can be a way of expressing your opinion on something. It's a way of insulting or abusing people. I'm NOT saying that's right, but it is another reason why people swear. They can also be terms of endearment for some people/friend groups.

It's part of human communication and it certainly isn't a new thing to language or humans. We have been using these words for centuries, with some new additions of course, so it's not going anywhere. Swear or don't swear, to each their own.


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## bobert

Diana7 said:


> I totally hate to hear children so young using bad languge, its clear who they get it from. Parents who tell their children not to curse yet do it themselves are being completely hypocritical.


Actually, no, you cannot assume where kids get their swearing from. I have a relative who _never_ swears and has no tolerance for it. Her husband is the same. I've _never_ heard their daughter swear at home or with family. Last school year I walked by a group of kids using very foul language. Guess who was in that group dropping the F word, B word, and C word all in one sentence?

My son started using the 4-letter C word that you Brits are so fond of, which is a word my wife _never _uses and a word I've called someone once - when my son wasn't around. Where did he get that? Not from us and he certainly didn't pull it out of his rear end or hear it on TV.

I do agree that parents who parent by "do as I say, not as I do" are being hypocrites. My kids are allowed to swear, when appropriate. I don't swear at work, so no, my kids cannot swear at school. I don't swear at the grocery store, so no, my kids cannot swear at the grocery store. If my kid drops the f-bomb because they got hurt or were surprised, no, I'm not going to wash their mouth out with soap or give them ****. If they call their sibling an asshole, yeah, they will get in trouble for that just like I would out in the real world.


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## pastasauce79

Livvie said:


> Yes. I sometimes swear at home in front of the people I love the most and who are the most important to me. I also wear my pajamas at home in front of the people I love the most. I also share my innermost thoughts and feelings at home in front of the people I love the most. I also have the most fun at home in front of the people I love the most.
> 
> You get the picture....
> 
> It's your judgement call that swear words at home are a negative, horrible thing. Your judgment does not apply to everyone.


Wearing pajamas at home and swearing are two different things.

I don't know, it's not judgement really. It's kinda like shock and surprise to know how common and normal this parental behavior is.


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## bobert

pastasauce79 said:


> Wearing pajamas at home and swearing are two different things.


For you, yes. For others, not necessarily. It's more like being free and comfortable, and not constrained by societal norms or the easily offended. It's not like everyone who swears at home is calling their spouses names or getting into screaming matches and throwing around insults.


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## Livvie

pastasauce79 said:


> Wearing pajamas at home and swearing are two different things.
> 
> I don't know, it's not judgement really. It's kinda like shock and surprise to know how common and normal this parental behavior is.


They aren't to me. Again, your JUDGMENT is just that, yours alone. It isn't mine. 

How would you like it if I judged you as a repressed prude for your view about swear words? I bet you wouldn't like it.


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## Livvie

Livvie said:


> They aren't to me. Again, your JUDGMENT is just that, yours alone. It isn't mine.
> 
> How would you like it if I judged you as a repressed prude for your view about swear words? I bet you wouldn't like it.


Adding.... My kids are both over 18, so no longer minors. They both turned out wonderfully. They are polite, well spoken, educated, lovely, well adjusted, respectful people who are upstanding citizens. 

All with a mom who swore at home sometimes.

Oh my. How did that happen?


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## Cletus

The best way to deal with bloody knuckles while under the hood of your car is to erupt in a "Christmas Story" quality stream of invective and curse words, both known and newly minted. 

It is an important life skill every father should pass on to his children.


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## Blondilocks

Livvie said:


> They aren't to me. Again, your JUDGMENT is just that, yours alone. It isn't mine.
> 
> How would you like it if I judged you as a repressed prude for your view about swear words? I bet you wouldn't like it.


LOL I imagine repressed prudes swear a lot.

Growing up, I never heard my parents swear. One time in the sixties, my sister and I were carrying on and I said "*****in" (rhymes with 'witchin' only with a B). My mom warned me and I let it slip again after getting caught up in our convo. Got my mouth washed out with soap and I was around 14.


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## Cletus

Livvie said:


> How would you like it if I judged you as a repressed prude for your view about swear words? I bet you wouldn't like it.


**** no.


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## bobert

Blondilocks said:


> Got my mouth washed out with soap and I was around 14


I'd argue _that_ is abuse. Swearing on the other hand? Nah.

We can't use "naughty words" but we can force our children to the bathroom, pry open their mouth and shove an inedible product into it? Okay then.


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## attheend02

Cletus said:


> The best way to deal with bloody knuckles while under the hood of your car is to erupt in a "Christmas Story" quality stream of invective and curse words, both known and newly minted.
> 
> It is an important life skill every father should pass on to his children.


Careful ... you'll shoot your eye out!


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## Cletus

bobert said:


> I'd argue _that_ is abuse. Swearing on the other hand? Nah.


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## pastasauce79

Livvie said:


> Adding.... My kids are both over 18, so no longer minors. They both turned out wonderfully. They are polite, well spoken, educated, lovely, well adjusted, respectful people who are upstanding citizens.
> 
> All with a mom who swore at home sometimes.
> 
> Oh my. How did that happen?


Same with me and my siblings. 

You also said one of your children doesn't swear, even around his friends, so it's possible. 

It's also possible not to swear at home and it's not a prudish behavior. I see it more as a self control skill.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Livvie said:


> Adding.... My kids are both over 18, so no longer minors. They both turned out wonderfully. They are polite, well spoken, educated, lovely, well adjusted, respectful people who are upstanding citizens.
> 
> All with a mom who swore at home sometimes.
> 
> Oh my. How did that happen?


Because you're a good Mom. 🙂


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## pastasauce79

bobert said:


> Well, I just asked one of my kids how he feels when I swear or yell in general and his answer was "Disappointed. Really, really disappointed". I asked if he felt anything else (mad, happy, embarrassed, scared, etc.) and to each one he said no - but came up with situations when he does feel those things (so he wasn't just lying). He also said he feels disappointed in himself when he accidentally says a bad word.
> 
> Why do people swear? Most of the time, it's cathartic. It's a way to express or vent frustration, anger, surprise, etc. It can be a way to emphasize how ****ty  or great you're feeling. It can be a way of expressing your opinion on something. It's a way of insulting or abusing people. I'm NOT saying that's right, but it is another reason why people swear. They can also be terms of endearment for some people/friend groups.
> 
> It's part of human communication and it certainly isn't a new thing to language or humans. We have been using these words for centuries, with some new additions of course, so it's not going anywhere. Swear or don't swear, to each their own.


I felt disappointed in my mom's behavior as well. Specially as a child.

She hasn't stopped swearing and we all know that's the way she is. People love her because she is funny and even funnier when she swears. I get it. 

Her sister used funny made up words when she was mad or frustrated. I remember them fondly and it made me realize (as a child) that a curse word wasn't really necessary to show a reaction about a situation or an emotion. 

Even though it was the norm at my house, I never really accepted it as a norm, and I saw it wasn't common at other homes. 

I don't live in a swear free home! My husband swears when he's frustrated and mad. I see the kids reaction towards him. I remember those looks because that's the way I looked at my mom when she couldn't control herself.
My husband hates it. He has asked me how I do it. I guess I just breathe a lot and carry on...


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## pastasauce79

Livvie said:


> All with a mom who swore at home sometimes.
> 
> Oh my. How did that happen?


I have sworn at home too. I'm not perfect! My post is about moms who swear all the time and who think it's ok to do it all the time.


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## karole

To each their own - if someone wants to curse around their kids, more power to ya. I just don't see the point?


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## Diana7

Livvie said:


> Yes. I sometimes swear at home in front of the people I love the most and who are the most important to me. I also wear my pajamas at home in front of the people I love the most. I also share my innermost thoughts and feelings at home in front of the people I love the most. I also have the most fun at home in front of the people I love the most.
> 
> You get the picture....
> 
> It's your judgement call that swear words at home are a negative, horrible thing. Your judgment does not apply to everyone.


SO you are happy for your children to use bad language?


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## Cletus

Does this topic not clearly land in the "no objectively correct answer" category?


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## pastasauce79

karole said:


> To each their own - if someone wants to curse around their kids, more power to ya. I just don't see the point?


Yeah, you are right. To each their own. I was really shocked I guess...


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## Mr. Nail

Cletus said:


> The best way to deal with bloody knuckles while under the hood of your car is -snip-


According to my favorite fictitious mechanic there are certain power words used by mechanics to loosen frozen bolts. 
According to most of the Dairy farmers I've known those very same words are among the very limited list of words cows can actually understand.


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## Cletus

Mr. Nail said:


> According to my favorite fictitious mechanic there are certain power words used by mechanics to loosen frozen bolts.
> According to most of the Dairy farmers I've known those very same words are among the very limited list of words cows can actually understand.


True enough, but some don't realize it is the power of words combined with the blood sacrifice that works for mechanics. As I can attest.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Cletus said:


> True enough, but some don't realize it is the power of words combined with the blood sacrifice that works for mechanics. As I can attest.


Ain't it the truth.

I had an old Impala, which didn't have an alternator it had an f'n alternator, which I replaced multiple times and gave a blood sacrifice every time.


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## Cletus

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I had an old Impala, which didn't have an alternator it had an f'n alternator, which I replaced multiple times and gave a blood sacrifice every time.


There is a special level in hell for automobile designers. I suspect it includes a lot of directed cursing by minors.

With an Impala, you could have underwritten the repair costs by sub-letting the trunk.


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## LosingHim

I didn’t curse around my kids when they were little. Of course, the occasional cuss word slipped out from frustration or pain. Once they got older, I let a little more slip. But I don’t cuss all the time either so if it comes out it’s usually sh*t or d*mn. Yes, they’ve also heard an F bomb, but they also know that’s in extreme situations. And I’ve never cussed AT them. I think that could be considered abusive, yes. But just general conversation or when reacting to something frustrating? Not at all.

Now, here is where people are going to say something about my parenting. My kids are allowed to cuss. It came up in a conversation in the car one time. My oldest daughter was frustrated about something and I could tell she wanted to add a curse word as a descriptor out of anger. I finally just told her to say it. Get it off her chest and move on. So she did and they all thought it was hilarious. In actuality, it made her laugh about the whole situation, and she went from being in a bad mood to being in a good mood. I told them all at that time, if they were talking to ME and felt the need to say a curse word, that I didn’t really care. It’s a WORD. But that those words were never to be used around their grandparents, teachers, directed in anger at someone or directed at me. For instance, my son is currently quarantined, he’s frustrated, bored and tired of selfish people. Yesterday we were talking and he said “I’m just tired of this sh*t mom”. He’s almost 17. If saying the word sh*t is the worst he does, I’m ok with that.

I always get compliments about how well behaved my kids are. Until my oldest went to college, underage drinking was a cardinal sin to her. She’s a deans list student. My youngest is an honor roll student, and tests on the gifted spectrum. I get messages from her teachers often about what a great child she is. My middle does just fine in school, just not as motivated with his grade as his sisters are. But he never misses school, and works as often as he can. Where he works they get stickers for being polite to customers or if a customer compliments them to management. His card was filled in the first 2 weeks he worked there.

I guess what I’m getting at is that what I look at as just words are not a big deal if they are just said in general conversation and not directed AT people in anger or aggression. I've also taught them (and use myself) what I call my filter. 

I don’t curse at work, unless I’m having a private conversation with a coworker I’m comfortable with and I know no one else is around. I don’t curse out in the general public – such as the grocery store, clothes shopping, etc. And, as free as I am with thinking cursing isn’t a big deal, I DO find it cringy when people let whatever fly in public with no regard for who is around. Especially F bombs.

At home is a different story. As someone else mentioned, this is where we’re the most relaxed, and probably around just the few of us. A little bit of the filter comes off. Things we say at home aren’t necessarily what we say in public and that’s not limited to cursing. My kids laugh at me because when they’re being difficult at home I’ll say “If you don’t knock it off, I’m going to throat punch you into next week” or “I’m gonna knock you out”. #1, I’ve never throat punched my kids (or anyone for that matter), #2 – it’s usually said as a joke to make them laugh which distracts them from whatever they’re being difficult about and eases whatever tension there is. #3 my kids have each only been spanked once or twice each in their entire lifetimes so they know it’s not an actual threat and usually said for shock value to distract them from whatever they’re doing to be difficult. Sometimes they’ll joke back and say “I’m gonna knock YOU out”. We laugh and then we’re able to redirect the conversation into something productive because we’ve taken a second to just laugh. But I’d never say something like that in public. Because the public wouldn’t know I was joking and that it’s something we do amongst ourselves to make each other laugh. It's the same with cursing. How relaxed we are with words in our home is much different than we are in public or around others.


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## Girl_power

I don’t have kids but I’m not a fan or cursing and negative talk in general around kids. We literally put what to think in our kids heads, we should be speaking positivity and with kindness.


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## Livvie

Diana7 said:


> SO you are happy for your children to use bad language?


Umm. They are young men. Sometimes my oldest son swears, at home. Just like I do. Sure.... I'm happy.


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## Diana7

bobert said:


> Actually, no, you cannot assume where kids get their swearing from. I have a relative who _never_ swears and has no tolerance for it. Her husband is the same. I've _never_ heard their daughter swear at home or with family. Last school year I walked by a group of kids using very foul language. Guess who was in that group dropping the F word, B word, and C word all in one sentence?
> 
> My son started using the 4-letter C word that you Brits are so fond of, which is a word my wife _never _uses and a word I've called someone once - when my son wasn't around. Where did he get that? Not from us and he certainly didn't pull it out of his rear end or hear it on TV.
> 
> I do agree that parents who parent by "do as I say, not as I do" are being hypocrites. My kids are allowed to swear, when appropriate. I don't swear at work, so no, my kids cannot swear at school. I don't swear at the grocery store, so no, my kids cannot swear at the grocery store. If my kid drops the f-bomb because they got hurt or were surprised, no, I'm not going to wash their mouth out with soap or give them ****. If they call their sibling an asshole, yeah, they will get in trouble for that just like I would out in the real world.


No we arent fond of that word, a small minority may be but not most of us. It not a word that is used much. Yes of course older children hear those words, but its when I hear a 3 year old using such words that I KNOW where they have heard it, from home. I am so sad when I see parents using curse/swear words in front of their very young children or even at their very young children. There is no need for it, we all have self control.


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## Diana7

Livvie said:


> Umm. They are young men. Sometimes my oldest son swears, at home. Just like I do. Sure.... I'm happy.


So did you let then swear when they were small? Say 5? 10?


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## Diana7

Girl_power said:


> I don’t have kids but I’m not a fan or cursing and negative talk in general around kids. We literally put what to think in our kids heads, we should be speaking positivity and with kindness.


Yep. What we put into them comes out. They are like little sponges when they are small. They will do and say what they hear done and said, for good or bad.


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## happyhusband0005

I don't curse often in front of my kids. Now that they are teenagers I probably exhibit slightly less self control but still it is a rare occasion. In reality by the time kids today are teenagers they have seen and heard just about anything you can imagine for the most part. But to call cursing in front of kids abusive is just silly. Now for me when I see a 10 year old who is morbidly obese I will call that abusive behavior by the parents. There are plenty of parents who do things that cause long term harm to kids bad words is not one.


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## DownByTheRiver

Bearing in mind that kids too young to understand only adults are allowed to do it will parrot it at school, that said, I don't think it's abusive unless you're really having a cussing fight with your partner or cussing meanly at them. It's all in the tone. As long as it's not loud and rageful, I don't think it's a big deal.


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## Livvie

Diana7 said:


> So did you let then swear when they were small? Say 5? 10?


One never swears at all, never has. It's just his personality (he won't try guacamole either, what can I say). The other is a smart cookie and I never had to "let" him or not let him swear. Occasionally when 10 plus probably, a swear would come out if something really bad happened. Completely appropriate for the situation.


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## hamadryad

I don't get it....

So you create this magical little Fantasy World in the confines of your 4 walls where as harsh a word spoken is "aw shucks"!....Only to be exposed to everything else out there on the internet and on the street...

I didn't mind my daughter doing it. providing there was a legitimate reason and it just wasn't in general conversation...I didn't necessarily just curse for no apparent reason, but if I had reason to I was gonna let it fly,....I don't see any correlation to one's virtuosity or character as a result...My daughter is one of the top students in the entire school and knows it's inappropriate under certain conditions...

People in general will use foul language at times...Its just reality...It doesn't mean you have to follow the crowd, but I dunno....the people i know that never curse are all kinda weird...and make me uncomfortable to be around them, quite frankly.. That being said, if that's how you want to raise your kids or orchestrate your own life, then do it...It shouldnt matter what anyone else thinks nor should you be looking for affirmation...


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## frusdil

Abusive? No. Unless it's done directly at the person.

Should we do it? No. But we're all human.


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## PieceOfSky

Livvie said:


> Adding.... My kids are both over 18, so no longer minors. They both turned out wonderfully. They are polite, well spoken, educated, lovely, well adjusted, respectful people who are upstanding citizens.
> 
> All with a mom who swore at home sometimes.
> 
> Oh my. How did that happen?


One possibility is that some people, especially ones at particular stages of development, learn to like making better choices when they feel free to be the one making the choice. To be forced via threats to suffer artificial consequences doesn’t always work as well as letting someone see, risk, and maybe experience natural consequences of a particular behavior.

Came across a mention here on TAM of “reactance”; maybe that’s related.

Also, reminds me of part of a documentary I saw where a little kid was told he “had to” share his toy with some other kid, and he was resistant and sad. But, telling him he could share but didn’t have to, and maybe told how that other kid would really enjoy it — then he was happy to voluntarily share. Or something like that.

Btw, in some contexts, I’d say swearing releases emotion and stress that otherwise would get bottled up or stick around polluting the mind longer. The release swearing can bring feels healthy and natural to me — sometimes that is.

The potential for harm and abuse is there, like with many things. Context matters, imho.


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## Diana7

hamadryad said:


> I don't get it....
> 
> So you create this magical little Fantasy World in the confines of your 4 walls where as harsh a word spoken is "aw shucks"!....Only to be exposed to everything else out there on the internet and on the street...
> 
> I didn't mind my daughter doing it. providing there was a legitimate reason and it just wasn't in general conversation...I didn't necessarily just curse for no apparent reason, but if I had reason to I was gonna let it fly,....I don't see any correlation to one's virtuosity or character as a result...My daughter is one of the top students in the entire school and knows it's inappropriate under certain conditions...
> 
> People in general will use foul language at times...Its just reality...It doesn't mean you have to follow the crowd, but I dunno....the people i know that never curse are all kinda weird...and make me uncomfortable to be around them, quite frankly.. That being said, if that's how you want to raise your kids or orchestrate your own life, then do it...It shouldnt matter what anyone else thinks nor should you be looking for affirmation...


 Who said anything about a 'magical little fantasy world?' Not everyone wants their kids to use bad language so they dont use it themselves. You really can survive and thrive without it.
I know loads and loads of people who dont swear, they are all lovely normal people and not weird in the least.
Our children will generally follow the example we set them in life despite what they may hear in the outside world. Why do we have to be like the majority? Its good to be different and go against the flow of what many others may think is acceptable.


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## PieceOfSky

When I’m trying to convey to my kids (17 and 20) something important I’ve learned about life — say, the importance of being pro-active about one’s physical or mental health and taking charge of finding good care, or how to deal with emotional vampires and people-users of various kinds, I will work in some profanity. Not in anger, but to convey the seriousness and importance, in a way signaling that this is so important a thought to me that I am letting my guard down, and am speaking freely to them not as children but more as a fellow, thoughtful human being.

No idea, but I like to think it works. Probably works best when such language slips out only occasionally.


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## hamadryad

Most kids will just use bad language in public and with their friends, their music, etc,,and not in front of you....So what the hell do you think you are accomplishing??

Like previously stated...It's all in context...There were honestly some times(very rarely with my daughter) where she really did a dumb or irresponsible thing...I may have at those times say..."What the **** were you thinking"? At that point there is no doubt whatsoever that she knows where I stand...If I said something else like ...."how awful" or "you disappointed me" it just would not have the same effect...

Like previously stated...If one wants to raise a child in a world that really doesn't suit with reality, then fine, that is your prerogative ..They may even face unnecessary ridicule over it, and it's so hard as it is now to try to fit in..And understand, I am the last one that does anything to blend in with the crowd...I got tattoos, when it wasn't even the "in thing" to do....I don't really follow any trends...


Repressing and shielding kids from a lot of this stuff doesn't really do much good, imo...There are so many other battles to pick rather than make this a hill to die on...and if it just makes one feel good that their kid doesn't curse in the house, but does out on the street or when communicating with friends, that wouldn't make me feel any good, it would probably just exasperate me...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

hamadryad said:


> Most kids will just use bad language in public and with their friends, their music, etc,,and not in front of you....So what the hell do you think you are accomplishing??
> 
> Like previously stated...It's all in context...There were honestly some times(very rarely with my daughter) where she really did a dumb or irresponsible thing...I may have at those times say..."What the **** were you thinking"? At that point there is no doubt whatsoever that she knows where I stand...If I said something else like ...."how awful" or "you disappointed me" it just would not have the same effect...
> 
> Like previously stated...If one wants to raise a child in a world that really doesn't suit with reality, then fine, that is your prerogative ..They may even face unnecessary ridicule over it, and it's so hard as it is now to try to fit in..And understand, I am the last one that does anything to blend in with the crowd...I got tattoos, when it wasn't even the "in thing" to do....I don't really follow any trends...
> 
> 
> Repressing and shielding kids from a lot of this stuff doesn't really do much good, imo...There are so many other battles to pick rather than make this a hill to die on...and if it just makes one feel good that their kid doesn't curse in the house, but does out on the street or when communicating with friends, that wouldn't make me feel any good, it would probably just exasperate me...


It's not all about the kids using foul language. 

Major component is how the child looks and views the parent, Mom especially (yes, social sexism here) that in front of the kid or with the kid drops f bombs and all the rest every few sentences or every sentence, that can make the kid view the parent badly, or if in public be embarrassed.


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## LosingHim

hamadryad said:


> Most kids will just use bad language in public and with their friends, their music, etc,,and not in front of you....So what the hell do you think you are accomplishing??
> 
> Like previously stated...It's all in context...There were honestly some times(very rarely with my daughter) where she really did a dumb or irresponsible thing...I may have at those times say..."What the **** were you thinking"? At that point there is no doubt whatsoever that she knows where I stand...If I said something else like ...."how awful" or "you disappointed me" it just would not have the same effect...
> 
> Like previously stated...If one wants to raise a child in a world that really doesn't suit with reality, then fine, that is your prerogative ..They may even face unnecessary ridicule over it, and it's so hard as it is now to try to fit in..And understand, I am the last one that does anything to blend in with the crowd...I got tattoos, when it wasn't even the "in thing" to do....I don't really follow any trends...
> 
> 
> Repressing and shielding kids from a lot of this stuff doesn't really do much good, imo...There are so many other battles to pick rather than make this a hill to die on...and if it just makes one feel good that their kid doesn't curse in the house, but does out on the street or when communicating with friends, that wouldn't make me feel any good, it would probably just exasperate me...


The last part about repressing and shielding is a big approach in how I parent my kids. Like the instance of them cursing in front of me. I allowed them to do it if they felt it was necessary. Of course, it's never NECESSARY, but if it was an instance of frustration or making a point - it's a word. Once I "allowed" it so to speak, for a couple weeks it was like they slipped it in wherever they could. Test the waters, use their newfound "freedom". I never reacted to it with surprise, shock or especially anger. After those first couple of weeks, those words lost their luster. In essence, by saying I really didn't care, I feel like I took the "power" of the words away. They no longer have much interest to use the words in front of me because there's no shock value or surprise behind them anymore. They're just words.


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## Livvie

Diana7 said:


> Who said anything about a 'magical little fantasy world?' Not everyone wants their kids to use bad language so they dont use it themselves. You really can survive and thrive without it.
> I know loads and loads of people who dont swear, they are all lovely normal people and not weird in the least.
> Our children will generally follow the example we set them in life despite what they may hear in the outside world. Why do we have to be like the majority? Its good to be different and go against the flow of what many others may think is acceptable.


You really can survive and thrive with it. I know loads and loads of people who do swear, they are all lovely normal people and not weird in the least.

Our children of course are exposed to all kinds of language in the outside world, and observing how and when a parent uses these different kinds of language they hear in the outside world can help shape them to know when and how it's okay and appropriate to use it --- instead of pretending like it doesn't exist and it isn't used.


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## pastasauce79

Just to clarify, the poll I reacted to on facebook was related to "constant" swearing where grandma was concerned about the well being of the child. It was not the kind of occasional swearing like when you stub your toe and say "sh*t"! 

I'm ok with occasional swearing. I do it, I think the majority of people do it, but I'm not ok with it happening all the time every day.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

pastasauce79 said:


> Just to clarify, the poll I reacted to on facebook was related to "constant" swearing where grandma was concerned about the well being of the child. It was not the kind of occasional swearing like when you stub your toe and say "sh*t"!
> 
> I'm ok with occasional swearing. I do it, I think the majority of people do it, but I'm not ok with it happening all the time every day.


Bing! A winner!


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## DownByTheRiver

Kids have to be taught to clean up their act in public and at their workplace when it calls for it. As long as they're raised to know that cussing isn't for children and you can't do it until you're an adult and you can't do it at school, I think they all pretty much get the message.


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## DownByTheRiver

I grew up in Oklahoma, where everyone was fluent at cussing. When I moved to Dallas as an adult, it took me a couple of months to realized I need to clean up my mouth a little to fit in. So sometimes these things are colloquial. In Oklahoma everybody had potty mouth. It was like advanced creative cussing 2 0, who could be the most colorful.


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## NextTimeAround

The issue here, I believe, is to raise kids who have good emotional intelligence. That is, they will know when it's ok to curse and when it is not. I've noticed the schools and daycare centers have their own standards. My nieces weren't allowed to say "butt" in daycare. My nephew once thought "underpants" was a bad word and said it every few words during a phase of his young life. It was really cute.

The mean grandma would curse ie "Up ****'s creek without a paddle" and the other grandma, due to her very religious orientation had subs for cursing like "Good night above."

The mean grandma's cursing didn't bother me. It was her calling me fat and constantly making jokes about my hair that I found really abusive. What an irony.


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