# I cut contact with my mother and have never been happier



## sh987

For years, I allowed my mother to have a negative impact on our marriage, though not in the ways you usually hear. If she said or did something rude, I would correct her, ask for an apology, etc. Mom never complained directly to me about my wife, but gossiped terribly, so word would always get back to us in the end. In these instances, I would again correct, look for an apology.

She would call just as we would be coming home from work. She would call in the evening. There were calls for me to take her to the ER, which all came back as her being fine. My mother was always terrible with money, and when I was still single, I lent her money quite often. This stopped before my wedding, when I told her that I could no longer help her, as I had to contribute to my household alone. After the marriage, my mother continued to place herself in financial peril, and call to tell us of the stress. We found that, as time went on, we were constantly driving her from one place to another: doctor's appointments, grocery store; you name it. In other, we (but especially me) allowed her to impose herself into our lives.

A couple of years ago, my mother re-married, and leading up to the wedding, my wife did more and more to help, convinced it would make things better between them. It didn't. We were asked to hold off on our daughter's birthday party, as the wedding and my mother's birthday were all around the same time. The wedding went off, and my mother made a point of thanking a friend who helped for one day, and didn't mention my wife. Two days later, Mom asked us over to her place for her own birthday party, and when we invited her to our girl's party on the weekend, Mom said she was much too tired and wouldn't be attending. She ended up never wishing her a HB or even giving her a gift.

I didn't even know what to do anymore. Even the mention of my mother's name, or anything about her was enough to aggravate my wife. I didn't want to have an argument over somebody whose behaviour I didn't know how to change. I was mad as hell at my mother, but saw no point in even mentioning anything to her. Things were stressful in our house, and it didn't have much of anything to do with our own dealings with each other.

Soon after, my mother and her husband moved away, and promptly lost my phone number. Whereas before, I sometimes felt like she was stalking me, the phone rang so much, our phone became dead quiet with her gone. It was only after she left that we both noticed just how much weight she really placed on our lives.

We began to talk about it, and my wife told me just how bad she always felt when dealing with my mother, and I told Mrs. SH that if she didn't want to, she'd never have to do it again. The bit of weight that was there lifted, and the longer I went without my mother doing her thing, the better I felt.

One sticking point for my wife and I was that our long term goal was to move...... to the place my mother moved to. With Mom living there, we felt that was closed to us, because we didn't want to move there and begin that old cycle all over again with my mother. But:

We ended up moving anyway. It took both couples and individual counseling, but I really was able to look and see that I could do it. After assuring my wife that I was serious about maintaining boundaries with my mother, Mrs. SH felt secure enough to move here. I've held up that bargain for two years now, and we LOVE living here. 

What I've figured out:
-My mother used me for a very long time. When I was a kid, it was as a weapon against my Dad, particularly after their divorce. The highlight would probably be when I was 16, and she told me that he would no longer be paying child support, and I would need to work to make up the income difference. I did as I was told, and signed all of my paycheques to her. Of course, she wasn't being honest.

The day I decided to cut contact with my mother is the day my life and marriage got better in a hurry:
- It's a sad statement, but a true one regardless.

PS - Sorry about the monster post, but I thought that perhaps it might help somebody else who struggles with similar things.


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## EleGirl

It sounds like you have found a solution that works for you. I know it's a hard thing to cut family off, but sometimes it's the only workable solution.


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## sh987

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you have found a solution that works for you. I know it's a hard thing to cut family off, but sometimes it's the only workable solution.


Yeah, that's how the cookie crumbles sometimes.


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## EnigmaGirl

I have a brother that I used to be very close to. Unfortunately he is the youngest of 5 siblings and, as such, he always had an entitled mentality. He never moved out of my mother's house...eventually she built a duplex to move him into so she could have her own space.

He got married to a woman who is a shallow, user type (he got her pregnant a couple months into their relationship and had to propose). It was none of my business except my brother allowed his new wife to take extreme advantage of my mom when she was still alive. Running up lines of credit for spa visits, hair extensions, breast implants, etc...and she was extremely disrespectful and rude to my mom. They also had a baby and would use my mom to babysit and never pay her or even notify her...they just dropped the kid off at any and all hours of the day. They then ended up getting two dogs and doing the same thing with the dogs and by then, my mom was having trouble getting around and it was tough for her to deal with it.

In addition, this girl is intrusive. I'm a fairly private person and I dislike gossip and conflict...especially in my personal life. She's just the type who gossips endlessly about everyone and either embellishes a story or lies in order to cause conflict between people. And I think because I keep to myself, it bothers her and she feels some driving need to interfere in my life. 

For example, during my divorce, she became (and remains) very good friends with my ex who is kind of a weird guy and whom no one in my family really liked during my marriage to him. When she sees my kids to this day, she'll try to interrogate them to find out things about me and my new husband. Luckily, my kids are very loyal private kids...like me and never tell her anything. Its actually really creepy.

I tried a number of tactics to try to have a relationship with just my brother and niece and not my brother's wife but she just wasn't having it. She just caused massive amounts of trouble.

They also always had severe money issues due to trying to live up to an image. They ran up lines of credit using my mom's house as collateral. This was none of my business and I ignored it until they ended up using my name on a credit application for a furniture store without my permission and then not paying the bill so that I kept getting calls at my home. 

The last straw for me was when they conned my mom into giving them her house while she was ill. I didn't want or need any inheritance from my mom but my mom wanted to leave something for one of my sisters who could have used some help at the time and she was unable because my brother and his wife literally stole my mom's house. It was pretty awful. And when my mom passed away, they were just like swooping vultures. They literally cleaned her house out.

So in the end, I had to cut them out of my life. Not just my brother's wife but my brother and my niece. My niece is basically starting to exhibit the same behavior as her mother...its such a shame. My brother was really a nice, good guy but he had tendencies to be greedy and shallow that it seems like she fed and he ended up at her level.

I can honestly say that I don't miss the nonsense and noise caused by having a relationship with my brother and his wife. If I ever think about my brother, I try to remember him as he was...not as he is. 

I think its always a great shame when these things happen but its a reality. At the end of the day, when relationships cause nothing but trouble, you really need to evaluate whether or not its necessary to continue them.

The quality of your life is very much affected by the company you keep. I feel zero guilt about the fact that I choose to spend my life around people that share similar life values to my own.


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## imperfectworld

I cut off my mother about 15 years ago and it has been great! Now that she is 84 I'm looking forward to news of the final cutoff. Not holding my breath though; nasty people have a way of outliving scores of nice folks.


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## Nomorebeans

I had to cut off my stepmother in what turned out to be the last year of her life because she became such a hard-core alcoholic that she ended up suffering from dementia induced by it, according to a couple of her doctors. She woke up one day and decided that one of my brothers - her favorite one - and I had come to her house in another state - I live in Florida, he lives in NY, and she lived in NC - for an entire weekend, trashed her kitchen, and never spoke to her the whole time. She could not be extricated from this delusion, even by her own children. Really, she made it easy and necessary for me. But first, I tried to reach out to her when it turned out she had lung cancer, but she would not answer or return my calls and texts, and she shunned me when I went up there to see her and help her and try to set things right.

She was always an awful person, though. She was with my Dad for 42 years of my 50 - and she wasn't the one he left my Mom for - that was a different one I mercifully never had to meet. I could write a book about the horrible things she did and said to my brothers and me - and my father - over the years. When he died 7 years ago, as I was leaving to go back home after his services, she gave me a speech in front of my son and then husband about how proud my Dad was of me, and how she hoped I'd have a good life. She pretty much thought I was going to write her off then and there. I should have.

Some people are just toxic. It makes me sad to hear of mothers being this way to their own children (my stepmother treated hers like royalty, and I had a great relationship with my own mother - she was the best friend I ever had). But it doesn't always go that way. My two brothers barely speak to each other, and they live about 10 miles apart. There's been blood between them for decades.


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## Cara

It is wonderful that you have made this choice for your family. I know that your wife must appreciate it too. It is a courageous man who makes this sacrifice for/gift to his family.

I cut my father out of my life a couple years ago and have not regretted it once. I wish I had been brave enough to do it decades ago.


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## GusPolinski

Damn. I need to call my Mama and tell her I love her.


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## Thundarr

It's okay to cut contact or limit contact with someone you love but who's also harmful to you.


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## sh987

imperfectworld said:


> I cut off my mother about 15 years ago and it has been great! Now that she is 84 I'm looking forward to news of the final cutoff. Not holding my breath though; nasty people have a way of outliving scores of nice folks.


It's only when you get a chance to breathe clean air that you realize how polluted it was previously. I hope it doesn't come to that with my mother, but after I had a chance to really look at things without the constant turmoil and drama, the decision was easier to make. 

It's in her hands, really.


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## MarriedDude

I am glad you have found some peace for yourself and your family. Together with your wife you get make the life and the world that you want for your children. You don't -nor ever will -need her to make good memories for your children. To create a happy life for them. 

I understand the need to cut yourself off from someone - having been the one cut-off. My mother hasn't been in my life since I was very young -I have no memories of her as a mother; no first day of school, no breakfast in bed when I was sick, no birthdays (not even birthday cards), no christmas mornings with her there, no cookies baking in the kitchen,...nothing. She traded me for a car, cash and a house. I have sons she has never met- my oldest is 24. The last time i saw her was the day I graduated from college...she was there for about 10 minutes. I found out later my dad had essentially...rented her / payed her to attend. He always wanted...and still does..want me to have some sort of relationship with her -probably because he had such a great and fulfilling relationship with his mother (she was a wonderful person).....I couldn't miss what I never had -nor want what I didn't understand the need for. I appreciate his effort though. 

Just because a woman gives birth to you doesn't mean she gets to have some wonderful special place in your life or heart. She has to earn that. You stay strong for your family -and keep the good boundaries you have created. You are a good man.


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## RayJakeman

Say this often to yourself: I and my family matter the most to me. Its a privilege to know us and I expect all relationships to be nurtured and cared for all the time by both parties. If anyone (including parents) do not abide by this then I will not continue the effort as hard as it is, I take the high ground for my new family who respects relationships.


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## sh987

MarriedDude said:


> I am glad you have found some peace for yourself and your family. Together with your wife you get make the life and the world that you want for your children. You don't -nor ever will -need her to make good memories for your children. To create a happy life for them.


What's sad about the entire things has been the reaction of our kids to all of this. Our son (16) hasn't asked about her, or to talk to her, visit or anything. A couple of times when my mother came up in conversation, our daughter (11) has said "We haven't seen Grandma in awhile" and that's about it.

And there's nothing strange about their reaction. My Mom never really much did anything with them, and never tried to spend time with them, or anybody else in our family. It was all about me. About 5 years ago, she asked if I would be willing to drop the kids off at church with her, but when around other people, all of a sudden, it was "Come here, my babies!"

Kids have their own way of seeing through BS, I suppose.



> I understand the need to cut yourself off from someone - having been the one cut-off. My mother hasn't been in my life since I was very young -I have no memories of her as a mother; no first day of school, no breakfast in bed when I was sick, no birthdays (not even birthday cards), no christmas mornings with her there, no cookies baking in the kitchen,...nothing. She traded me for a car, cash and a house. I have sons she has never met- my oldest is 24. The last time i saw her was the day I graduated from college...she was there for about 10 minutes. I found out later my dad had essentially...rented her / payed her to attend. He always wanted...and still does..want me to have some sort of relationship with her -probably because he had such a great and fulfilling relationship with his mother (she was a wonderful person).....I couldn't miss what I never had -nor want what I didn't understand the need for. I appreciate his effort though.
> 
> Just because a woman gives birth to you doesn't mean she gets to have some wonderful special place in your life or heart. She has to earn that. You stay strong for your family -and keep the good boundaries you have created. You are a good man.


Thanks for the kind word.


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## Thundarr

MarriedDude, I'm sorry you missed out on your mom but it sounds like you got lucky in the dad department. Your mom missed out on so much and is still missing out.

sh987, some parents don't know what to do once we're grown so they cling to us. Usually out of fear of not having a purpose in life and usually it manifests in the form of covert contracts where they help in some ways but the help is motivated by them needing to control and manage things. My mom has always been this way to younger siblings and it's just about crippled.


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## happy as a clam

Good for you, OP.

Sorry that it had to come to this, but it's good to shed the layers that toxic people create. And you are correct, kids see through all the BS. They knew Grandma wasn't sincere, "Come here, my babies!!"

*ugh*


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## sh987

Well, it's been awhile. Time for an update.

Almost exactly a year after my last post in this thread, my mother sent me a message via facebook, telling me that she had something very important to tell me, and that it needed to be done in person. I sat on it for a day, thought it over on my own and talked to my wife about it, and finally responded to my mother to arrange a time. It turns out that the news wasn't good: she has Stage 4 lung cancer, and there's nothing they can really do about it besides start her on chemotherapy when she starts becoming more ill.

I went home and thought a lot about the situation, and talked with my wife several times (and we continue to do so). She just wants to support any decision that I make. In the end, I decided that I would help her. For me. I went back to her place and offered to help by taking her to doctor's appointments. I wish to maintain the boundaries I've already established: I'm not having her over to the house, and won't allow her to control the family dialogue through her as in the past. I hoped (though didn't expect) that she might change. She hasn't; not at all in fact, but it doesn't matter, really. She's used this as an opportunity that try to pit my against my brother, to get me to slowly but surely do more than I said I will do, to have me step into a role of prime responsibility, etc, etc, etc. Not happening. The boundaries have been established and maintained, and I'll help her with what I said I would do, and no more or less. She seems to accept, and if she chooses not to, then she probably doesn't need my help so badly.

I'm sorry that she's sick; she's my mother and I love her, and I'll be sad when she's dead, and regretful of what might have been. I won't miss her antics, though. Not one little bit.


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## soccermom2three

So sorry to hear about your mom.

I think the most important thing for you and your brother is to communicate with each other and don't let your mom ruin your relationship. My husband's parents are dysfunctional. My husband and his brothers are very close and in constant communication with each other, (my husband and his youngest brother work together). They share conversation they have with their parents and make sure they set things straight regarding the weird things their mom says so there is no misunderstandings between the three of them. 

I totally agree with what you wrote in your first post about your marriage improving after cutting contact with your mom. Same thing happened with our marriage.


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## sh987

soccermom2three said:


> So sorry to hear about your mom.
> 
> I think the most important thing for you and your brother is to communicate with each other and don't let your mom ruin your relationship. My husband's parents are dysfunctional. My husband and his brothers are very close and in constant communication with each other, (my husband and his youngest brother work together). They share conversation they have with their parents and make sure they set things straight regarding the weird things their mom says so there is no misunderstandings between the three of them.
> 
> *I totally agree with what you wrote in your first post about your marriage improving after cutting contact with your mom. Same thing happened with our marriage.*


Last year, I noticed that my brakes weren't working as well as they used to, so I figured it was time to take them into be fixed. It was only upon getting the car back that I realized just how bad they were, that little by little there wasn't much that would give me the ability to protect myself and my family if I had to stop suddenly.

I'm really glad that your marriage was able to survive and come out the other side of a very toxic influence. Many don't make it through such an ordeal.


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## sh987

Update:

I had told my mother that I would help her by taking her to appointments, and she immediately responded by doing what she has always done: trying to get more and more out of me. She would want me to come in and take notes, to make stops (far out of the way) on the way back to her place, etc, etc, etc. Each time it came up, I told her a version of "This is what I said I can do for you, and this is what I will do for you." because I knew that, no matter what I do, it's never enough, and she will push the boundaries further and further.

After a few months of this, she called me to tell me that she had been talking to my brother, and that they both agreed that I hadn't been there for her at all, hadn't been properly supportive, and (after thinking about it for about 30 minutes) she decided to move ~1,300 km back to where he lives. She hates it there, btw... I told her that if she thinks that the best move for her, that's what she should do, and she was about 0% impressed with that answer. I'm fairly sure that it was an attempt on her part to scare/guilt me into promising more so long as she didn't move, but there was no way I was going to do that.

She packed and left the city she loved and moved to one she hated, because my brother promised to drive her anywhere she wanted and do whatever she needed, and for the first few months, everything went according to that plan. But, here's the thing: her cancer never grew and she never got sick. In a few months, if the next scan is good, the oncologist will declare her cancer-free. My brother moved her in across the street from he and his wife, and from what I can tell, she firmly attached herself to them. The guilt or goodwill or whatever it was has worn off, and they're quite tired of her. I'm sure they thought they could put up with her antics since she would be dying, but now that she's clearly not ill, they're sick to death of it all.

So, she called me to tell me that she's tired of being treated so poorly, and that she's moving to another part of town, where they won't see her much more. I just told her to have a good move and not to tell me about her conversations with my brother.

She hung up.

I love her, but quite often I don't like her, and I used to feel really guilty about.


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## OnTheFly

What happened to her new husband....did I miss something?


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## Blondilocks

OnTheFly said:


> What happened to her new husband....did I miss something?


My guess is he got the hell out of Dodge at first light.


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## Adelais

sh987 said:


> Update:
> 
> I had told my mother that I would help her by taking her to appointments, and she immediately responded by doing what she has always done: trying to get more and more out of me. She would want me to come in and take notes, to make stops (far out of the way) on the way back to her place, etc, etc, etc. Each time it came up, I told her a version of "This is what I said I can do for you, and this is what I will do for you." because I knew that, no matter what I do, it's never enough, and she will push the boundaries further and further.
> 
> After a few months of this, she called me to tell me that she had been talking to my brother, and that they both agreed that I hadn't been there for her at all, hadn't been properly supportive, and (after thinking about it for about 30 minutes) she decided to move ~1,300 km back to where he lives. She hates it there, btw... I told her that if she thinks that the best move for her, that's what she should do, and she was about 0% impressed with that answer. I'm fairly sure that it was an attempt on her part to scare/guilt me into promising more so long as she didn't move, but there was no way I was going to do that.
> 
> She packed and left the city she loved and moved to one she hated, because my brother promised to drive her anywhere she wanted and do whatever she needed, and for the first few months, everything went according to that plan. But, here's the thing: her cancer never grew and she never got sick. In a few months, if the next scan is good, the oncologist will declare her cancer-free. My brother moved her in across the street from he and his wife, and from what I can tell, she firmly attached herself to them. The guilt or goodwill or whatever it was has worn off, and they're quite tired of her. I'm sure they thought they could put up with her antics since she would be dying, but now that she's clearly not ill, they're sick to death of it all.
> 
> So, she called me to tell me that she's tired of being treated so poorly, and that she's moving to another part of town, where they won't see her much more. *I just told her to have a good move and not to tell me about her conversations with my brother.*
> 
> She hung up.
> 
> I love her, but quite often I don't like her, and I used to feel really guilty about.


It is excellent that you spoke truth to her without being mean or manipulated.

You have been amazingly consistent with her these last years! I'm sure your wife is grateful that you have shielded the family from your mother's drama.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother

I am sorry to hear about your situation, but sometimes cutting off family ties is the best. 
It sounds to me like your mother is very manipulative and continues to try and poison you with that manipulation and antics. 

I am old fashioned myself... when we grow into adults, move away and marry our family we create with our spouse and children always come first!

You truly did the best thing for you and your family, it sounds like you, of course, have a heart but everyone has a breaking point and you've reached it. 

You are showing your children what a healthy relationship is and how strong a family can be when you put each other first and the best part about that is you can emulate to your children through the years what you never had and what they will always cherish.

When you updated us about her cancer I wondered before I read your last post if she did that as a ploy to pull you back into her fire pit!

So proud of you for seeing through that.

Best of luck to you and yours 
Happy New Year to all.


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## sh987

OnTheFly said:


> What happened to her new husband....did I miss something?


You're right, I didn't think to mention him. They're still together, but there are two main issues: he suffered a brain injury, so intellectually, he's a bit behind things now. Other than that, she really controls everything in that house, and creates constant chaos. Basically, he just sits and watches sports all day and keeps his head down.

If I allowed it, she would bring every problem to me; every question, and would never deal with him. I'm talking about everything from major problems in her life (and she makes sure to always have them) to asking simple questions which would anybody else would take to google.

As far as all of this goes, he's a non-entity.


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## Diana7

I often despair at how selfish and toxic some parents are. My Mil thankfully lived the other side of the world, but she tried to break up both of her sons marriages. I only saw her for 2 weeks when we visited OZ a year after we married, that was more than enough. Never went again. She was fine to my face but tried to turn my husband against me behind my back. 

You did the right thing.


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## lifeistooshort

I second keeping the lines of communication open with your brother.

My mom is in decline and tries to pit my sister and I against each other. She's not nearly as toxic as yours but she has her own issues. Sister and I talk all the time and share notes, and when she would start in on one about the other we'd tell her "mom, I'm going to call her and tell her you said that".

Now she doesn't much try. We've even had a good laugh over the fact that she told both of us we were the sole beneficiary on her retirement account. Whatever....we can work that out when the time comes.

I know this may seem strange....but are you sure she has cancer? My dad had stage 4 lung cancer and that's quite advanced with a very low survival rate past a year. For her to have not even gotten sick with stage 4 would be quite unusual. Are you sure it wasn't a manipulation tactic to get her back into your life?


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## sh987

lifeistooshort said:


> I second keeping the lines of communication open with your brother.
> 
> My mom is in decline and tries to pit my sister and I against each other. She's not nearly as toxic as yours but she has her own issues. Sister and I talk all the time and share notes, and when she would start in on one about the other we'd tell her "mom, I'm going to call her and tell her you said that".
> 
> Now she doesn't much try. We've even had a good laugh over the fact that she told both of us we were the sole beneficiary on her retirement account. Whatever....we can work that out when the time comes.


It's my brother I feel bad for, really. We talk, but not as often I'd like. We get along pretty well, but he found a wife who's just about as needy as our mother, and literally all of his time is taken up by them. He even once lost a job because of how he allowed his wife to constantly call, text, get him to leave work in the middle of the day, etc, etc, etc. Basically, these two women have consumed him. The only difference is that my mother can be extremely mean, but veils it behind trying to appear sweet, while my SIL makes absolutely no such attempts. She's rude, thoughtless, racist, cruel, and an actual pig, going so far as to burp and fart at the dinner table. I've seen her once in the last six years, and would rather have polyps scraped from my colon than spend time with her.



> I know this may seem strange....but are you sure she has cancer? My dad had stage 4 lung cancer and that's quite advanced with a very low survival rate past a year. For her to have not even gotten sick with stage 4 would be quite unusual. Are you sure it wasn't a manipulation tactic to get her back into your life?


I'm so sorry to hear about your father.

She definitely has cancer: she had surgery to remove two nodules from her lung, and I was visited her post-op. The doctor came in, told her she has cancer cells all through her pleural lining, and said she had about a year to live. It was some months after that, in follow-up, that she moved, and where my first-hand knowledge ends. So, what's happened since (according to her) is that those cells aren't aggressive, haven't changed at all, and the nodules that were removed from her lung haven't reappeared or spread anywhere else.

You're quite right that everything since could be a manipulation, but it would run contrary to her usual habits: she always makes things seem much worse than they actually are, never better, so she can get pity and use people. She's always bounced from one catastrophe to another. You would never want to see her facebook account, which is her primary place to go for sympathy. When she was living here, she wound a sob story to the extent that members of her church (twice) gave her $5,000 so that she could go on her "dream trip" and she had well off friends who would lavish her with dinners out. The money ended up being spent on expensive clothes, things for her dog, and things other than that for which the money was gifted. She pretty much always has people like that on the go, but always ends up losing the "friendships" when she's gotten what she can from them or they get wise and lose her number.

When she says that the doctor is nearly ready to call her cancer-free, I believe her. Even at that, the attempts to manipulate never end.


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## Baldy

We hear everyday about “mom” being so special in our lives. While that may be true for many, there are many of us who’ve had mothers that did terrible things. My mother thoroughly took advantage of me as well as my wife and children, with thanks ,if given, reluctantly. I’m glad you and your family have a much better life. I too cut all contact. She passed 8 months after I cut contact. I’m OK with that and never having a final talk. I realize it would have been a waste of time. Some mothers just aren’t nice people. 
It sounds like your happy and likely will stay that way. Excellent!


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## Diana7

Baldy said:


> We hear everyday about “mom” being so special in our lives. While that may be true for many, there are many of us who’ve had mothers that did terrible things. My mother thoroughly took advantage of me as well as my wife and children, with thanks ,if given, reluctantly. I’m glad you and your family have a much better life. I too cut all contact. She passed 8 months after I cut contact. I’m OK with that and never having a final talk. I realize it would have been a waste of time. Some mothers just aren’t nice people.
> It sounds like your happy and likely will stay that way. Excellent!


Many people have bad parents abusive parents or no parents at all. Its pretty common. I had a good mum but she sadly died in her 50's, my MIL was awful. :frown2:


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## Pam

My husband's mother was a raging narcissist and his father went along with her. My H was in the hospital once; I had gone home for the evening when his parents came to visit. When they left, his blood pressure was through the roof, and he didn't normally have a BP issue. He said all they could talk about was that he needed to buy them a vacation home in the next state over; we had five kids between us and he was paying large child support. Nothing he did was ever good enough, and I found out after she died that she never had a kind word to say about me. He was terribly damaged from all of that, so I tended to get between them because she didn't bother me.


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## Openminded

My experience with toxic parents/in-laws is that they refuse to believe that they’re a problem so they have no interest in changing. It’s better to limit exposure to them as much as possible. Most people don’t cut them out of their lives entirely but sometimes that’s the better option. Failing that, an occasional text or email or phone call is more than enough.


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