# I am sooo confused and heart broken...can any body help?



## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

Hello everyone, the love of my wife has left me and its been about a week. Today my MIL sent this email and its really sad as it almost sounds final, im trying to really stay positive but it is really hard.....if you have any kind words or advice id really like to hear from you. In my desperation, soul searching and helping me be better im waiting to do the course offered by Mort Fetel. Here is what my MIL wrote, thank you for taking the time to read this:

Hiya Swedish,
im unsure what to do next.....i love my wife very much!!! i just got this email from my MIL, im so sad as it all sounds so final.....can you give me some advice please???

MIL wrote.....
How are you, it is really cold at the moment and snow is forcasted for Sunday again. I spoke to Cheryl last night, She was at school and said they probably wouldn't be skydiving as the weather was cloudy and raining, so they would do packing instead. i said that you e-mailed me and wasn't sure where you stood she said that she would go with you to see a counciller as a one off if it helped you and said you'd both had a nice evening and that you were more posative about things.Cheryl said you'd both talked about a lot of stuff and to take oppertunities regardless of where they are when they come up even if they are in OZ or anywhere else and not turn down oppertunities based on what the other person is doing and that you wern't together as a couple but good friends. She said that you hoped to get back together in the future, so you discussed that there isn't a time limit on that as you were staying friends, in the future it might be a year or a few years and if you both feel the same when you've both done stuff for yourselves and want to see each other and both felt the same way then you can take it from there. But in the meantime you'd both going to live as single people and see other people and that you'd tell each other if either of you met someone else and you will still be in contact and remain good friends. She said both of you would not hold anything against each other, and that you might look into your flying as it was something that you wanted to do. Cheryl said that she pobably will stay at Paul and Anne's Saturday night, and was seeing you Saturday evening. I am going now, I will speak to you later. I have e-mailed you as it is upsetting me just writing this, but i promised that i would tell you what Cheryl said even if it is good or bad. Got to go as I am late. Love you lots Luv Mom XX


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

personally its ok for the mother and daughter to talk. but honestly her writing to you is her being a nosey busy body. 
when my H and i split (many times) not my mum or my MIL have got involved. MIL better.
your MIL writing is not in your best interests, because she doesnt have the relationship that you and your wife have. no one ever really knows a relationship , other than the ppl in it.
example:- 
my mum or MIL does not know everything about what H and i do.
i dont know everything about my mum . we can only make assumptions on someones elses relationship because we dont lead in their lives.
personally im prob lucky in the fact my in laws never got involved, they were just supportive. 
its not for your MIL to tell you the facts of your relationship. its your wifes.
if it were me and i have said this in the past,
"mind your own business."
you more you let this carry on, MIL wil eventually think she has the control between you and her daughter, then daughter thinks more of what mother says and begins to believe the relationship is over. 
"brainwashing".
n e way MIL will make up her own mind on what she wants to write to you. this is "playing mind games".
up to you, end the games now.
start fresh, communicate with your wife, not through n e one else.
give her space if thats whats needed. change in your behaviour and appearance, look fresh and nice clothes and aftershave.
ask her out on a date and no arguments. 
all has to stay calm.


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words. I think i may have given the wrong impression.....in my deperation i asked my MIL about what she thought, she is lovely (at no time has she tried to butt in) and if anything i pushed her into telling me what she thought, in hindsight may have not been a good move but i am in a strange scary place at the moment and i cant help thinking the worst.....there is no other person but im really scared of losing her if we were to get on with our lives, after 6 years we cant let it go, once again thank you for reading and your advice


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

just try and keep yourself occupied. it does help.
its only been a week or so, so your really early days.
think about things you did wrong and what you didnt do in the relationship.
those things can change.
dont give up just yet either. 
weve all been to that scary place. its all normal as are your feelings.


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

as part of me trying to, get better,communicate my love for her, i wrote this letter....it really came from my heart.....what do you think?


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

n e thing is a start. 
sometimes we all lose sense of direction and we lose who we are, we get lost in transition. 
its not a case of the grass is greener. 
we get tired of thinking and feeling for others and sometimes just need peace back .
ive had space several times in our relationship. and honestly i can say it did no harm. of course worrying at times. 
but again those worrying times, can lead to new horizons, new tactics are then played to attract the attention of your lady and it can be done.


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

Hiya Justean, Ive had it! im going to end it all now....how can a person say that they still want you in your life but they dont want a relationship?.....we were at our house yesterday and she acted like it didnt mean much to her....she said that if she had started talking about it , she might have given me the wrong image as she doesnt want to come back. I'm going to withdraw completely and not have ANY contact with her at all, she wants space......well she now has it.....and more! I kind of didnt help myself as ..... i really ripped into her and i called her some bad things.....cold heartless *****..if i remeber.....i know, i know......probably saying, you IDOIT! but you know i had held all that in and then seeing the house almost finished (finish March 21) and knowing she wont be there. Im really sad but i think its the best thing for her....not me. She tried to say that it was my decision! BUT SHE left me and she is STAYING away from me and she doesnt want to come back, so i believe at the end of the day she doesnt love me enough. thank you for reading this.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im really sorry for what you are going through. 

when i was thinking of leaving my H, i got really cold towards him, too, obviously, but in general i was trying to provoke the worst out of him. i wanted fuel for the fire, so to speak. 

i think it is the best thing if you cut contact with her. when i told my H that i was leaving him, he said ok. that ticked me off, but its what made me think if that's what i really wanted. i dont know if your wife is doing this or not, but either way, i think its best if you focus on taking care of yourself now.


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

on a good note however, my wife and i did meet up with a councillor and she said a lot of things that i had not heard before......mainly the pain she was holding....i really felt it! we decided that we would not contact eachother for 3 weeks and then see how it all is, that night when we left the councillor, we went and got a hot choclate and had a curry and also did something that we hadnt done in a very long time......WE TALKED! and for the whole two hours we connected, have no idea what we talked about...it was a very special moment!!!!! it is definately really hard at the moment!!!!!! i'm certainly not depressed, but i really am struggling, as i do want to call her.....but problem is, i would probably say the same stuff i said before.does anybody out there have any suggestions? I def. know what im suppouse to do, thats get out and do stuff but just really lack the at the moment. My wife has said (a few time) that she really does love me.....lol....but it doesnt really help though does it? She has said that she has definately seen a change in me but didnt really go into any detail over that.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

Kiwi said:


> Hiya Justean, Ive had it! im going to end it all now....how can a person say that they still want you in your life but they dont want a relationship?.....we were at our house yesterday and she acted like it didnt mean much to her....she said that if she had started talking about it , she might have given me the wrong image as she doesnt want to come back. I'm going to withdraw completely and not have ANY contact with her at all, she wants space......well she now has it.....and more! I kind of didnt help myself as ..... i really ripped into her and i called her some bad things.....cold heartless *****..if i remeber.....i know, i know......probably saying, you IDOIT! but you know i had held all that in and then seeing the house almost finished (finish March 21) and knowing she wont be there. Im really sad but i think its the best thing for her....not me. She tried to say that it was my decision! BUT SHE left me and she is STAYING away from me and she doesnt want to come back, so i believe at the end of the day she doesnt love me enough. thank you for reading this.


Kiwi,

My wife is doing the same thing, stating she needs space and blaming me for everything. I really just dont get it. I wil tell you this and I got some clarity from this forum. My wife is acting a nut, being cold and rude towards me but its more for her. She needs to be in a place that allows her to feel ok for what she has done, breaking up the family and leaving me at the worst possible time. I keep beating myself up trying to think about all the things that I have done, some of the stuff she is talking about happened a long time ago and are not reasons to leave. So she is creating problems to make herself feel anger. The big question that I have not answered is why. I am with you brother, I know exactly how you feel.

Stay strong and write on this forum for therapy and advice its helping me each day get through...


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

Sports! Thank you brother, you are right this forum has really helped. For EVERYONE WHO HAS WRITTEN, I SAY A BIG THANK YOU, its really great to know that there still are some good people!!!!!


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