# Lost and don't know what else to do



## Morris702 (Dec 22, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years and married 6 of those. Before getting married I made my dreams and ambitions very clear and he seemed very supportive. He got his CDLs (said it was what he always wanted to do) and cleaned up his behavior while we were still dating. He was a very hard partier and avid pot smoker. I am not the partying type and do not dabble in any drug of any kind nor do I approve of it. Which he knew up front and seemed ready to let go and grow up. We were on the right track to be financially stable. We got our first home a year after we married and just 6 short months later we had to let it go due to a cut in his work and I was layed off. We lived in his big rig for about 4 months before finding another home. Shortly after moving into our second home he began smoking pot again and partying with his friends periodically. He also stopped driving a truck and took a job that paid $8 an hour. This would not have been so bad but our lifestyle centered around his income. He also had about $160 a week to pay out in child support because it was based on his previous income. My income while he was driving a truck was purely a bonus that we splurged on. When he decided to stop driving I was left to foot all our bills on 7.50 an hour as he brought home enough to cover his gas after child support. Needless to say we are sitting in a moutain of debt because of unpaid bills. I could barely pay the rent, electric, pay for gas and put food on the table. He has worked several jobs since, none paying more then $8 an hour. I have footed all the bills as his money always went to his pot and partying. In late 2007 I became pregnant with our first child. By this time I had busted my butt to earn 30000 a year and we lived comfortably with the bills paid but no room for error or extras. Once our daughter was born in mid 2008 he cleaned up his act again and only smoked one bowl of pot before bed. This I could handle as he was pulling his own weight and I had my husband back, the man I married who adored me. That lasted maybe 6 months and he was back to smoking heavily again and I was only making 220 a week at this point due to a change in jobs to one more suitable to a mothers schedule. Not one that required me to be available 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Once again I was left to foot all the bills and this time I had a baby to support of my own. He began dealing pot and pills, claiming it was helping pay the bills but really it was just giving him more pot to smoke for free on top of what he payed for. He became someone I didn't even know. Very emotionally abusive, violent temper, and absent from the home 90% of the time. We couldn't even make it through dinner without him running out to hook someone up or get more dope. I closed myself off emotionally from him and focused on taking care of my daughter. By this point I only got up in the morning and tried to salvage my life and my marriage because I felt I had to for my daughter. Why I didn't leave then I don't know. In August 2010 he was busted by the local PD. Someone we know personally. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that our "true" life had showed its ugly face. (We always put on a good front for everyone) We live in a small town where everyone pretty much knows everyone. Not to mention I had to take my 2 year old daughter into the police station to get bail info and she had to see her daddy handcuffed to a chair. He spent 4 days in jail before I could get him bailed out. He still didn't change much once he came home. He still put everything on me and complained about being home and being bored. The PD took his truck and his cell when he was arrested so while I was working he had no way to do anything. Things only go worse as I was finally slapped with what I had allowed to happen. I became angrier and more resentful. We split up the weeked before halloween and staued taht way for 7 weeks. During that time I came out of my funk and depression and found a new love for life. I spent alot of time talking to a male friend and spent every saturday at his home. There was never anything sexual between us. He gave me everything I had been craving for years now. A friend, someone to hold me without it having to be sexual, and a good laugh and a good time. I admittedly handled that situation wrong as I would not tell my husband I was spending time with this man. I took my husband back after I was layed off from my seasonal job and thought we could make it work. This was early december. I still can not reconnect with him. I do not feel anything for him at this point. It's the same as it has been for the past 2 1/2 years. I can't stand to kiss him but I force myself too. The thought of anything intimate makes my stomach curl. He blames me and my male friend for our entire split up when it had nothing to do with him. I cut off all contact with this friend as I could not put my feelings for him aside nor could he for me. I just want to do what's best for my daughter but I don't know what that is anymore. I know our home life is not healthy for her as all we do is fight. When we were split up he was all about MC but now he refuses. I feel as if he only wanted to come back home because he was staying with a family memeber who had strict rules and he had no vehicle as our only vehicle now was mine. Every time I try to talk to him about how I feel he becomes almost hostile and tells me to just leave. 

After 6 years of marriage I expected us to be homeowners with stable jobs. None of this is true. We rent a dumoy trailor and his work is not guaranteed. I am unemployed and looking. I put off collage to start our life but I ended up having to work full time and have no time for school. I feel like he stomped my dreams and took everything we worked for and flushed it down the toilet for his own selfish satisfaction. I don't know what to do anymore.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Quit. Addiction in any form is distructive. When your ready, leave, it will NEVER get better until you come to terms w/ it. sorry, I live w/ it and I HATE it!!
Mouse


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## Morris702 (Dec 22, 2010)

Thanks. I know it is destructive, it has destroyed our lives to what I am afraid of there is no return. He quit because he had to not because he wanted to and still will not admit he has a problem with addiction. I want to leave but am afriad of taking my daughter from the only home she has known and the fight that will follow. I don't want my daughter faught over but he has made it clear he will do everything in his power to make sure she is with him. Deep down I know he will not be able to take her from me but I have seen children ripped from their mothers by the courts and they were model moms. I am afraid of what comes after for me and mostly for her.


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