# "Fix Your mental health problems and I'd f**k you every day!"



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

I've posted already about the death of my married sex life.

This morning I was arguing about it with my soon-to-be-ex, and I was saying that She had stopped acting like a wife by not f**king me.

She replied that if I fixed my mental health problems she'd f**k me every day.

That's...impossible. I have Aspergers, ADD, and problems with depression. You can't FIX any of those. I treat the ADD and the depression with meds, but there aren't even any drugs for Aspergers 

So basically she's saying if I weren't me, she'd f**k me.

...FML
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

That sucks ! Time to find someone who loves you for who you are, not who they wish you to be.


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## Shift (Jan 22, 2013)

That's just filthy and low man... Keep the chin up and don't let it get to you. She definitely doesn't deserve you. Pack up and leave and find someone who appreciates you for who you are. You deserve it.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

My hubster is bipolar, OCD and has Parkinson's desease...stilll love him and been chasing him around the bed for 30 yrs. I believe the vow is "in sickness and health"....ask her what she meant when she took the vow?
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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

What kills me is I'm really not seeing how anyone ELSE would want to put up with a depressed autistic with ADD. If it's enough to kill a seventeen year marriage how would even casual dating survive it?
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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Tulanian...I don't know your story, but it sounds like you are in the midst of a divorce? I'm sorry for that. Divorce sucks.

But when you are done with the D and truly moved on afterwards (which takes awhile), then there are resources out there for people with your conditions to help make you an attractive mate...if you are open to them. My point is, don't worry about that now, but when you are really there, there is hope and help.

I have two very close friends who have similar issues, who have learned a lot of skills to make them very date worthy.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She's saying fix how those mental health problems affect how you show her love.

None of those dx prevent you from showing love. Your wife wasn't able to see how you did show your love and wanted you to become something that is unreasonable considering those "potential" limitations. 

A dear friend who I admire greatly always says: 

There a lid for every pot.

Hang in there Tulanian!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Tulanian said:


> What kills me is I'm really not seeing how anyone ELSE would want to put up with a depressed autistic with ADD. If it's enough to kill a seventeen year marriage how would even casual dating survive it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now you'll be looking for a woman who can see your gifts for what they are. Your depression won't last forever. ADD is actually fun and impulsive sex is awesome! Autism makes connections harder to form, but not impossible. You did it once, you'll be able to do it again.

Reflection, like what you're doing, is good. But don't let your depression twist the learning that can come from painful reflection.

Take care of yourself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

her statement was most likely a lie anyways. She clearly wishes to accept no blame for the divorce and twisted a legitimate claim right back onto you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

There's someone out there for everyone. Maybe you will find someone who has similar issues or who loves you for who you are. 
I wouldn't listen to anything she says. She's just trying to hurt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Tulanian, listen to all these good advices from these kind ladies of TAM. I agree with them!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Boo hiss to your wife. Any one who loves a person with mental health issues would not attack those issues as justification for a divorse. It is an easy excuse, she knows your vulnerable in that area and she attacked you there. I bet your illness has very little if anything to do with why she is leaving....it is a convenient excuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Tulanian... I'd have punched her. No, seriously, I would have. My husband has been battling severe depression, recently diagnosed bipolar (likely bipolar II), but his "ups" are still depressed. He also suffers from anxiety and ADD. And if he were so inclined, I'd be having sex with him everyday... every other day at the very least. Your stbx's issues are NOT your mental health problems... her issues are HERSELF! Plain and simple. You will find the right woman for you.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks, guys.

Icing on the cake: after this morning's argument she called my cell and threatened to take me off of her insurance...which is how I get meds. I can get private insurance that covers any of my health issues. I calmed her off of that ledge, and she closed the conversation with "Remember who has who over a barrel here."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

That was a cruel thing for her to say. However, you also said that she said it while you two were arguing. I don't know what else was said during that argument. But I do know that when I have heard one side of a story I probably know 1/2 of the story at best. I wonder if you are hard to get along with? Also, depression IS treatable. Meds only make things better so it can be dealt with in counseling. If you are not working on your depression with someone I would not want to be around you for very long either. Depression can be healed. People that are forever depressed can suck the life out of you.
Again, I only know your side of the story. But here are a few other thoughts.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> I've posted already about the death of my married sex life.
> 
> This morning I was arguing about it with my soon-to-be-ex, and I was saying that She had stopped acting like a wife by not f**king me.
> 
> ...


That combo of mental health issues may be difficult for her to deal with, how was she dealing with you throughout the relationship? I read your other posts and from what I read it seems like you separated at one point and went back to her because of financial reasons. Please correct me if I'm wrong but it seems that she had attraction issues with you before?
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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

techmom said:


> That combo of mental health issues may be difficult for her to deal with, how was she dealing with you throughout the relationship? I read your other posts and from what I read it seems like you separated at one point and went back to her because of financial reasonsthe. Pleatvse correct me if I'm wrong but it seems that she had attraction issues with you before?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Correction some depressions can be corrected with counseling not all....some are perminent. Depression caused by a chemical imbalance is not likely to be cured. Most will have to be on meds for life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> Thanks, guys.
> 
> Icing on the cake: after this morning's argument she called my cell and threatened to take me off of her insurance...which is how I get meds. I can get private insurance that covers any of my health issues. I calmed her off of that ledge, and she closed the conversation with "Remember who has who over a barrel here."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get off her insurance yourself. She is using it as a weapon. 

I don't know anything else about your history, but her statement about having you over a barrel is a threat - no two ways about it. She will use these to hurt you. Remove it (and any other potential threats) as soon as you can for your own protection.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

That's fair to say. We started out fine, she was even more interested than I was. We had lulls sometimes but those were weeks or maybe months, not years. My...quirks...have caused career difficulties, thus financial issues, and the stress from that feeds right back into my issues. I think she's just gradually gotten worn out. I don't blame her for that. Four kids, her teaching career, plus me being, well, me. That's a lot to deal with.

And if I could've fixed all of the difficulties I presented I would have. Hell, just for my OWN sale I'd've done that. It's not like anyone wakes up and says "please, Lord, make me an autistic ADDer with depressive tendencies! That'll be fun!" 

She thinks I'm dumb to leave even though the sex is gone. The way she sees it, she's my caretaker and no one else is going to do it. Screw that. I'm not a patient in a convalescent home...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Call your attorney and let him know whats happening he/she may be able to restrain her from removing insurance for health issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

What a load of crap. My issues have issues and I also suspect aspergers and yet my husband loves me anyway. Married 21 years now. He has supported me through all my work in healing.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

But what I don't see here is his willingness to learn to become a better person who has these issues. People with these issues must do all that they can to learn to cope (that does NOT mean just taking pills). Are you...have you been working on becoming a better person and learning to deal with your issues? I work with people with these struggles all the time. Sometimes they work on themselves and it helps. Others just expect everyone to deal with their crappy attitudes all the time.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

youkiddingme said:


> But what I don't see here is his willingness to learn to become a better person who has these issues. People with these issues must do all that they can to learn to cope (that does NOT mean just taking pills). Are you...have you been working on becoming a better person and learning to deal with your issues? I work with people with these struggles all the time. Sometimes they work on themselves and it helps. Others just expect everyone to deal with their crappy attitudes all the time.


In a word: yes. Therapy and meds since 2003. Exhaustive self-reflection, ongoing efforts to remake myself from the ground up. I finally got some measure of peace, ironically enough, when I decided that I was leaving. I starting writing a lot of my thoughts about relationships, and loss, and the need to deal with one's own self, and I noticed that my musings had a lot of correlations with Buddhism. So I've started studying Zen on my own.

Given some of my responses around here, I'm sure that my "Zen" isn't bulletproof. But it HAS made a difference. I'm a lot less angry overall, even though I have those discrete moments where the anger is really powerful. It used to be that anger was kind of my baseline state. Anything negative, be it stress, anxiety, fear, discomfort, got translated into some form of anger. I'm able to do that a lot less now.

And that's the thing: I've never tried to say that I have no responsibility for managing my issues. Two of my kids are also Aspies and ADDers, and I tell them every day that it's still their job to work at dealing with the world. The world isn't about to change for them, or for me. What change is possible has to come from within.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Now there you go! You are working on it and I respect that. Yes. Because you see i know folks with these issues and sometimes it just looks like they go around expecting people to love them for being their angry crappy selves. And no one does.

So I am glad you are working and taking repsonsibility for your own stuff.

Yet, I wonder if perhaps you and your wife simply have a lot of hurt that's piled up through the years. It sounds as if she is acting out of anger now. When we get too much hurt on our heart we just can't deal in a healthy way anymore. You can't deal with current issues because the heart is simply overwhelmed.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

youkiddingme said:


> Now there you go! You are working on it and I respect that. Yes. Because you see i know folks with these issues and sometimes it just looks like they go around expecting people to love them for being their angry crappy selves. And no one does.
> 
> So I am glad you are working and taking repsonsibility for your own stuff.
> 
> Yet, I wonder if perhaps you and your wife simply have a lot of hurt that's piled up through the years. It sounds as if she is acting out of anger now. When we get too much hurt on our heart we just can't deal in a healthy way anymore. You can't deal with current issues because the heart is simply overwhelmed.


Yeah, I'd say she's burned out. In a way I'm not terribly surprised. People like me aren't really the ones you see in lifelong relationships. Too much to deal with...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

FWIW, I have a brother with a long history alcoholism, drug abuse and pretty severe bipolar, to the point of one attempted suicide.

He has a hot new girlfriend 15 years his junior banging the bejeezus out of him now, so go figure.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So she stopped having sex with you and won't do anything to work on it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

She's just using your vulnerable spots to hurt you. Plenty of people deal with the same issues you have AND have loving partners.

I've had clinical depression since my mid teens and was recently diagnosed as being on the spectrum myself. I've always been...quirky...a bit odd...but DH loves me anyway.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Sounds a bit like she's lost respect for you. As you said, she thinks of herself as a caretaker. I knew a woman whose extremely successful husband had a stroke at a reasonably young age. He never fully recovered and requires some care. You wouldn't even know it if you met him; he seems fully functional but in reality he is unable to function at his old job. Even though it wasn't his fault, she has lost respect for him and some of the things your wife says remind me of how this woman treated her husband over time. Now, you haven't suffered from the same condition but the common thread is the caretaker role. It doesn't sound like your wife is someone who would do this but this woman did eventually go outside her marriage knowing her husband was incapable of ever finding out. Keep an eye out.

I'm concerned about how she treats you to say the least.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

It was cruel for her to say. I presume she knew those things about you when she married you. I am going to recommend a book for you. This is in no way to say that your soon to be ex is justified in any way. I also think that there is someone out there for you. I recommend this book because it may help you.

The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband by David Finch - Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

I hope this helps.


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## outNabout (Mar 2, 2013)

I think that's really awesome how much you are working on being at one with yourself through studying self-relflection and zen. Meditation really helped me through my life as well. I'll bet we could easily get a whole thread going about the benefits of meditation!

You talk about a peace that came to you when you decided to leave. Perhaps discovering that you have a say, and that you're not helpless? Or perhaps the realization that you have that choice to be without this person in your life? There is something empowering in taking action. 

Respect and take good care of your self!


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