# Looking for some help with **** tests



## Meatball (Sep 17, 2020)

My wife frequently asks me to 1) go get her some ice cream, soda, aspirin, etc, when we're both sitting in the living room and 2) go get the Neosporin, Hydrocortison, etc and apply it, for her, to places she could easily reach. 

I'm still pretty new at the Better Man/MAP/180 thing, so it just recently occurred to me that these are in fact "**** Tests". Of course I'm a "Nice Guy", so I want to please her, and because I love and care about her, I want to aid and comfort her. I've always rationalized that I was being a good husband by taking care of my wife, meeting her needs, and communicating my love through "Acts of Service".

I'd like some help, advice, or observations about these things, in general, and especially about this one specific event... When we went to bed a few nights ago, and we were both already in bed, she asked me to get some Neosporin from the medicine cabinet and apply it to one labia majora because it was "chaffed". I was already half way back from the medicine cabinet before I realized this might be a test. I did as requested, but I felt like a damned fool. Here I am, a foot away from her crotch, staring at it while she's spreading everything for me to get a better view (which she never does in a sexual context), and rubbing ointment on her vagina exactly where she just rubbed to show where she wanted it. She asks "How's it look"? I tell her everything looks good to me and I don't see any visible signs of irritation. She thanked me. I tucked her back in, put the ointment away, came back to bed, and kissed her goodnight. 

I laid there thinking, "WTF just happened?" 

Now, I'm wondering, "what SHOUD I have done" and, more importantly, "what do I WANT to do next time"?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Those are not tests. They are you wife asking you for comfort. 

You can preempt some of this by asking if she needs anything before you both settle in & by being more affectionate in general.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Did you hear that swoosh pass over your head? 

You missed an opportunity. I would have grabbed some cbd oil for the chaffing. She dont need antibiotic ointment. Drop your drawers and tell her you are about to apply it withthe head of your diK. Most likely what she wanted but youmissed it. 

As to sitting on the couch...i woukd ask if she needed me to call 911. When she responds i would then say i figured your leg must be broke if you cant get up and get it yourself. Or say i put it on the bottom shelf where you can reach it little girl.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Meatball said:


> My wife frequently asks me to 1) go get her some ice cream, soda, aspirin, etc, when we're both sitting in the living room and 2) go get the Neosporin, Hydrocortison, etc and apply it, for her, to places she could easily reach.
> 
> I'm still pretty new at the Better Man/MAP/180 thing, so it just recently occurred to me that these are in fact "**** Tests". Of course I'm a "Nice Guy", so I want to please her, and because I love and care about her, I want to aid and comfort her. I've always rationalized that I was being a good husband by taking care of my wife, meeting her needs, and communicating my love through "Acts of Service".
> 
> ...


More then likely they are tests. The easiest way to tell is to start asking her to do the same things for you. If she hedges or just doesn't do them, you have your answer.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Meatball said:


> I laid there thinking, "WTF just happened?"


Have you ever just asked her? “That’s an odd request, what’s wrong?”



Meatball said:


> Now, I'm wondering, "what SHOUD I have done" and, more importantly, "what do I WANT to do next time"?


See above.

What do you want to do? That is up to you. If you want to service her requests then go for it. 

The vag story is kind of weird but hey if you like it then great. If you don’t maybe get it for her and tell her she can apply that herself.

If you don’t then ask her if she’s unwell or injured or something, if she says no, then just ask her why she wants you to do it for her.

The key point is, if you’re happy with how things are then there’s no problem.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you're in the mood to be her gofer, do it. If not, ask her if there is a reason why she can't do this for herself. Depending on your rapport, you can ask her if her legs are broken or simply tell her you're busy (busy watching tv or whatever is legitimate).


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Man, do you wipe her ass upon request also? Stop treating her like a queen and maybe you’ll see her vag for a “non medical” reason.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Next time you are both sitting in the living room, ask her to get you a glass of wster. After the hundreds of times you've played server to her, if she does it with anything but pleasure, you know you've got a centered entitled monster on your hands.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fitness tests usually involve an explicit choice — not “Will you please do this thing for me?” but instead “Which of these things would you prefer to do?”.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Next time you are both sitting in the living room, ask her to get you a glass of wster. After the hundreds of times you've played server to her, if she does it with anything but pleasure, you know you've got a centered entitled monster on your hands.


A glass of water is nothing.

Tell her to make you a sandwich.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Meatball said:


> My wife frequently asks me to 1) go get her some ice cream, soda, aspirin, etc, when we're both sitting in the living room and 2) go get the Neosporin, Hydrocortison, etc and apply it, for her, to places she could easily reach.
> 
> I'm still pretty new at the Better Man/MAP/180 thing, so it just recently occurred to me that these are in fact "**** Tests". Of course I'm a "Nice Guy", so I want to please her, and because I love and care about her, I want to aid and comfort her. I've always rationalized that I was being a good husband by taking care of my wife, meeting her needs, and communicating my love through "Acts of Service".
> 
> ...


Dude. My wife asks me to do anything even approaching what yours did and she knows damn well she will be getting a very "thorough" examination indeed with a Conan steak bonus package.

I don't think it's a **** test. It seems more like playing to me.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Did you hear that swoosh pass over your head?
> 
> You missed an opportunity. I would have grabbed some cbd oil for the chaffing. She dont need antibiotic ointment. Drop your drawers and tell her you are about to apply it withthe head of your diK. Most likely what she wanted but youmissed it.


THIS ^^^^^ 

Think of those as 'Opportunity Tests."

Opportunities such as "Why yes I can get the neosporing, I'll also get some of the warming lube and apply that to any other area that needs special attention!! "

She says - "can you rub this hydrocortisone ointment on my arm?" You say, "Sure, and while I am doing that, I am kind of stiff and swollen down here. could you rub some massage oil onto that and see if you can get the swelling to go away?"


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So for all of you men saying to turn it into a sex episode (and I guarantee you that's not what this woman is wanting when she asks him to apply antibiotic cream or cortisone cream) how do you explain the fetch requests, when they are both sitting in the living room, for ice cream, aspirin, soda, etc.? Those are straight up get it for me because I (somehow) deserve to be waited upon by you fetch requests.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Do you ask her for things too? Does she voluntarily do things for you? Seems like if there's some give and take and you both are doing things for each other, great. Otherwise, depending on frequency, if she asks you can you please grab aspirin I would matter of fact-ly be like "Oh, it's in the medicine cabinet (or wherever it is)" and smile at her jokingly. If she asks for a drink once in a while, you might be like "Oh that sounds awesome actually, would you mind grabbing me one if you're getting one?" If she balks, it does seem like she isn't being very considerate.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

In other words, if you're feeling taken advantage of, I think it's ok to let her know where the item she wants is without being rude or yelling, so she can see you aren't going to be her servant. Acts of service is one thing, but this seems like it is a bit extreme. Don't know what to make of the vagina request.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My suggestion, in addition to testing HER by asking her to get up and get you something -- and if she doesn't HAPPILY do so, after all of the servant stuff you have done for her you do have a really big problem dynamic going on in this relationship-- is when the next fetch request comes in reply that you will be happy to get her X, y, or z _the next time you get up_. 

Does she have a physical disability that makes it hard for her to move around?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like she’s lazy, and plays power games, and you enable her. I was married over 45 years and I can’t ever recall an instance when I asked my husband to get something for me that I could get myself. Think she respects you for doing all of that for her? (The answer is very likely “no”).


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> So for all of you men saying to turn it into a sex episode (and I guarantee you that's not what this woman is wanting when she asks him to apply antibiotic cream or cortisone cream) how do you explain the fetch requests, when they are both sitting in the living room, for ice cream, aspirin, soda, etc.? Those are straight up get it for me because I (somehow) deserve to be waited upon by you fetch requests.


It is a turn around.....you ask a deliberate stupid question, you will get a sexual answer.
My wife though would not ask something like that. She might say she has a headache, etc. and i would volunteer to go get her meds, ointment, heating pad, etc. 

But she would not be so brazen to ask me to get up and go get it for her whenshe is capable. I would give her a look and say, "Do i look like a dog or are you just lazy?"


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You never said what the chaffing was from. Not have you said what the rest of your marriage is like? Does she do things for you? Need some context.


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## Meatball (Sep 17, 2020)

I am very independent, and I'm a "Nice Guy", so it It is VERY hard for me to ask for help. I don't usually ask anyone for anything. My wife, on the other hand, feels loved when I "take care of her", so I do everything she asks and then some. We are both very affectionate with each other and always ask each other "can I get you anything" before bed or if passing through the kitchen. 



Livvie said:


> Those are straight up get it for me because I (somehow) deserve to be waited upon by you fetch requests.


I WANT to love and "take care of" my wife, but I can't help feeling that Livvie is right. I'm afraid that failing these tests weakens her perception of me. 





oldshirt said:


> Think of those as 'Opportunity Tests."





ConanHub said:


> I don't think it's a **** test. It seems more like playing to me.


Hmmmm....maybe. My wife is notoriously bad at hinting and initiating. Her idea of foreplay is to tell me, "Ya know, I wanted to have sex LAST night." 

Conan, you may be right, but it doesn't seem, to me, that telling someone, "Hey I'm having a MEDICAL PROBLEM with this body part" is a sexy invitation to stick my **** in it. 

There is no reason she can't do these things herself. No broken leg, etc.

Thank you all. You've given me lots to think about.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If your wife does a whole lot for you...

but sounds like your sex life is bad? What’s the frequency you want, and what is the frequency you get?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Meatball said:


> We are both very affectionate with each other and always ask each other "can I get you anything" before bed or if passing through the kitchen.


Yeah, but your wife is waiting until you are settled in bed or relaxing to ask you to get up and fetch. Really inconsiderate of her. She is spoiled and lazy.


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## Meatball (Sep 17, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> You never said what the chaffing was from. Not have you said what the rest of your marriage is like? Does she do things for you? Need some context.


Where the chaffing came from doesn't really matter. There was nothing visible and there almost never is. My marriage sucked for 17 years. I came to TAM a year ago, and I'm still working on MYSELF and my marriage.

If you're interested, here's my first post...









Is it me?


We started as equal partners. Then, in the last month of our first pregnancy, I started assuming more responsibility, to make her pregnancy more bearable. We know NOW that she had postpartum depression. She almost never fed, bathed, changed, or played with our babies. For 17 years now, I've...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Meatball said:


> Hmmmm....maybe. My wife is notoriously bad at hinting and initiating. Her idea of foreplay is to tell me, "Ya know, I wanted to have sex LAST night."


This is also a missed opportunity test.

Your response to a statement like that is, “ oh man we messed up, we need to do it TWICE right now to make up for lost time!!!” 😉


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Meatball said:


> Where the chaffing came from doesn't really matter. There was nothing visible and there almost never is. My marriage sucked for 17 years. I came to TAM a year ago, and I'm still working on MYSELF and my marriage.
> 
> If you're interested, here's my first post...
> 
> ...


My thoughts were if you had worn her out the night before, causing some chaffing....,
Sucked for 17 years? You’ve got done stay power for sure.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So that wasn't a **** test.

That being said, it's OK to sometimes say, - "Um you have legs", but then add "when you go in there get me one too". Or - "yeah that sounds good, go get that and get me one too". Just be matter a fact about it, say it with a smile. 

Not always.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Doesn’t sound like much has changed for the better since your first post.

You’ve enabled her behavior for a long time. Whether she is willing to change is the question.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Meatball said:


> I WANT to love and "take care of" my wife, but I can't help feeling that Livvie is right. I'm afraid that failing these tests weakens her perception of me.


Let me try to clarify some things for you. 

Sht tests are basically little tests to see if you are strong, stand up man of integrity and action - or if you are a spineless wimp that gets pushed around and manipulated and used. 

helping people in need and doing good things is not a sign of weakness. 

What is a sign of weakness and being a doormat and a beta/simp is when you are being used and manipulated and being bossed around like a little errand boy and getting no reciprocation and not asking for, expecting or getting the things you want out of the relationship. 

So you need to ask yourself if you are being proactive and showing initiative in your relationship and are you getting reciprocation on your wants and needs??

If the answer to that is no, and you simply being her errand boy and not asking for anything in return and you are being used for your labor - then you are flunking sht tests and she is losing respect and attraction for you. 

If you are having reasonable expectations and reasonable boundaries of her behavior and you are proactive in expecting her reciprocation in meeting your needs (and she is complying with that) then you can fetch her as much neosporin and rub hydrocortizone cream on her itchies all the live long day. 

But the second you start being her little bi+ch and her errand boy and letting her walk on you with no expectations or reciprocation, then you are being a doormat/simp.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Meatball said:


> .....When we went to bed a few nights ago, and we were both already in bed, she asked me to get some Neosporin from the medicine cabinet and *apply it to one labia majora because it was "chaffed"*. I was already half way back from the medicine cabinet before I realized this might be a test. I did as requested, but I felt like a damned fool. Here I am, a foot away from her crotch, staring at it while she's spreading everything for me to get a better view (which she never does in a sexual context), and *rubbing ointment on her vagina* exactly where she just rubbed to show where she wanted it. *She asks "How's it look"?* I tell her everything looks good to me and I don't see any visible signs of irritation. She thanked me. I tucked her back in, put the ointment away, came back to bed, and kissed her goodnight.
> 
> I laid there thinking, "WTF just happened?"
> 
> Now, I'm wondering, *"what SHOUD I have done" and, more importantly, "what do I WANT to do next time"?*


ANSWER: Oh, you poor baby! Let me rub the ointment all over you! Does that feel better honey? Now let me kiss it to make it feel even better. 

AS to WTF happened? She wanted you to F#CK her brains out and you didn't. You had the perfect opportunity to sexually stimulate her, tease her until she really wanted you and then give her the F'in she needed. 

Afterwards, you could have told her you need to do this a lot so her labia develops enough calluses so she doesn't chaff anymore. Either that or switch to "Bag Balm" as the medicinal ointment. 

Good luck


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP the thing is if you are doing what you want you can’t go wrong. I do stuff all the time for my wife like get her an aspirin because I want to. The key is doing stuff because you want to because it makes you happy.

I can tell you my wife asking for things she can get for herself if I didn’t feel like it I’d tell her to get it herself. Usually I feel like it, so no worries.

As for the guys who think Neosporin is code for Astroglide I don’t think so. I’d maybe get it for her but she’s on her own for that.

I mean if she couldn’t see or reach maybe, but it’s a weird ask.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't know a whole lot about the nature of your relationship. Quickly glanced at your other threads. Married 17+ years, 2 teens.

Not clear to me if you are simply 'annoyed' with the marital dynamic that you have both established, or if your wife is unattracted to, or disrespectful of you. And those distinctions are very important.

Did you read the Sh*t test thread here? Fitness Tests

What is the actual outcome, and consequence of simply telling your wife, "No."? Is it simply a matter of your own emotional discomfort based upon how you've been conditioned, or does 'no' lead to conflict?

Simple exercise; don't ruminate over it, or try to some how modify it. Next time something like you described above happens; comply. Happily. Then wait no more than six minutes, and ask her to get, fetch, or do something for you.

If she declines. Just smile, roll over if in bed, walk away and go do something else if during waking/active hours. Do NOT engage if she wants to discuss, examine, or explore your response to her response.

And if you can't pull this off ... well then we need to know a little bit more about your being over-eager to please or terrified by whatever the perceived outcome is of you deciding to change the dynamic.

Report back once you've made the above happen.

And always remember, "You will always be treated by others, in the fashion which you train them to treat you."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

After reading your thread, I think she had you put stuff on her ***** just to taunt you with the fact that you aren’t getting any of it, and aren’t going to get to touch it unless you’re relieving the chaffing she got from doing some other dude that doesn’t get wash her clothes or cook for her. He just plows her to death.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Livvie said:


> So for all of you men saying to turn it into a sex episode (and I guarantee you that's not what this woman is wanting when she asks him to apply antibiotic cream or cortisone cream) how do you explain the fetch requests, when they are both sitting in the living room, for ice cream, aspirin, soda, etc.? Those are straight up get it for me because I (somehow) deserve to be waited upon by you fetch requests.


The difference between me and OP is that my wife knows what that behavior will get. It's going to get her laid. The end.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Keep all needed medicines/snacks in a drawer in a bedside table and couch end table, then when she asks, you just lean over. Maybe even a little bar fridge. Or ask her "do you need anything?" before you sit down, and if you've already sat down, don't get up, because she missed her opportunity.

To me, those sound like either she's the laziest woman ever, or she wants you to demonstrate love through acts of service.

As for putting ointment on intimate areas, that sounds like initiation to me. If she didn't want you touching her there, she wouldn't ask you to touch her there. If there's any confusion, make it a really gentle initiation with plausible denial. Just keep on rubbing areas around the one in question. Make eye contact to see if she enjoys it.

However, how does she get so chafed down there? Does this happen as often as your description seems to imply? Are you making sure she's lubed up before sex? Has she seen her doctor for this?

If she is saying things like she wanted sex last night and you didn't even notice her initiation, you really need to improve your communication. What did she do to demonstrate this that you missed?


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Do it if you feel like doing it, ignore the request if you don't.
It's not a big deal either way.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Next time you are both sitting in the living room, ask her to get you a glass of wster. After the hundreds of times you've played server to her, if she does it with anything but pleasure, you know you've got a centered entitled monster on your hands.


Asking her to get you a beer from the fridge would be more normal.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Asking her to get you a beer from the fridge would be more normal.


? What men don't drink water?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just think when it's too extreme like the vagina thing where she actually had already touched it to show you where she wanted it so you know she could reach it, you should just casually and without any anger hand her the cream and say, I think you can handle that yourself so that I don't feel like a gynecologist.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What have you done in the last year to change your marital dynamic? You are the one who is unhappy so you are the one who has to change. Hint: complaining to strangers accomplishes nothing.

What are you afraid of?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Meatball said:


> Of course I'm a "Nice Guy


In other words, you're a major f-up with women. Dawg, you've probably already research what constant pandering to your woman does to their respect and romantic interest in you. Yet you continue. Why ask us. You know what to do. Tell the dame no sometime--- "I'm sorry but I'm not in the mood", et cetera, et cetera. It just ain't that hard my man. Embrace your masculinity. You've been carping about your un-equal marriage. You act un-equal (lower status) to your wife. Congratulations, you've convinced her she's better than you.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Meatball said:


> When we went to bed a few nights ago, and we were both already in bed, she asked me to get some Neosporin from the medicine cabinet and apply it to one labia majora because it was "chaffed"....Here I am, a foot away from her crotch, staring at it while she's spreading everything for me to get a better view...She asks "How's it look"?


I would have squeezed that entire tube of NeoSCORIN on my torpedo & screamed, as I leapt on top of her:


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