# New here and devastated



## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

There is no way to make this short so I won't even try. Please bear with me.

My husband and I have been married for 21 years and have 4 children. The past several years have been very stressful for all of us, starting with my father being killed and the latest where a friend of his attempted to extort money from us. Many, many stressful events occurred along the way, too many to list.

Anyway, 4 years ago I caught my husband in an EA on Facebook with an old high school friend. We went through therapy, learned all about emotional affairs and decided to work through it and try again. Then within a few months he was driving his scooter home from work and came upon a damsel in distress and put her on the back of his scooter to take her to get gas he says. She directed him to her house where she grabbed his crotch and offered for him to come inside. He says he refused and drove right home and told me what had happened. I was numb. I couldn't understand why he thought having another woman spooning him on the back of his scooter was in any way appropriate to begin with. If he wanted to help, why not go get a gas can and bring her back some gas? My BS meter still does not buy this story. But another stressful event presented itself and I just couldn't deal with it then.

Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. His friend was threatening us like crazy and trying to extort money from us and I was sending my husband emails at work to try to get his attention that I needed to come and get him because his friend was threatening me. I could not get a response out of him and I did not have a cell phone so I asked my best friend of 26 years to call him at work and let him know I was on my way to get him. Little did I know that this phone call would lead to them emailing each other all day every day for 5 weeks without my knowledge. My husband was treating me horribly and was refusing to talk about our marriage, turns out my best friend was getting all the nitty gritty details. The 2 of them trashed me, our marriage, tried to figure out how to have me committed to a mental institution, and were making plans to meet up this month, using my friendship with her as an excuse.

My former best friend was someone I have talked to almost every day since I was 13 years old. She would even be talking to me while she was emailing my husband and telling him how she was glad he finally realized how charming she is.

The only reason this thing stopped was because I found out and threw a fit. They didn't stop because it was a horrible thing, they both acknowledged to each other on more than one occasion that they knew they were betraying me and they didn't care. Now my husband claims to have had an epiphany and wants our marriage to work. How can I do this and have an ounce of self-respect left? He has always put my feelings low on his list of priorities, I can't even name all the ways he has hurt me but this one definitely takes the cake.

He is going to individual therapy, as am I, we are not in a place to start couple's therapy yet. But I don't know that I love him the way I used to. I don't know that I want to be married to someone who finds it so hard to remain faithful. And to take my best friend from me? What kind of evil does that take? Trust me, my friend has heard my thoughts plenty and she is out of my life. But I have 3 kids still at home and I homeschool them. I have applied for 26 jobs in 30 days and haven't gotten one call back. I have a Bachelor's degree but no work experience as I have been staying home and raising my family.

Does it make sense to stay married to someone just for health insurance? Is this all there is left for me. I am 39 years old, still have a great figure and men still find me attractive, I get hit on a lot. So it's not like I have let myself go or some other BS like that. Is it possible for my husband to really change or should I be planning an exit strategy?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

> Does it make sense to stay married to someone just for health insurance?


Can it be part of the D settlement? 


> Is this all there is left for me. I am 39 years old, still have a great figure and men still find me attractive, I get hit on a lot.


You have answered your own question. 


> Is it possible for my husband to really change or should I be planning an exit strategy?


He is a serial cheater. 
EA, then R, EA, now R again. Round and round we go.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I can try to make it part of the D settlement. But the Cobra is really high. I made him check on it because I wanted him to know what he was looking at financially. I can wreck him. I have met with every bulldog attorney in town and the numbers are consistent. He contacted an attorney too and found out the same thing I found. I can bring him to his knees financially.

I can't help but think that is why he wants to work it out now. He was so sure he wanted out of this marriage but I guess money talks. He says he doesn't know how to approach me because he knows I am so mad at him. And I am. But I am hurt too. And normally, I would call my best friend and cry on the phone to her and talk it out and figure out which end is up but now I am alone. I have other friends that I have turned to but I am afraid to let anybody get too close.

I just can't believe he did this again and it is so much worse this time. He keeps saying it will all be ok. How? How will this ever be ok? How could he go to work and email with her literally all day, seriously he could get in trouble with his job because he was obviously not getting work done, and then come home to me at night. I mean, he wasn't really talking to me at all, I was constantly begging and pleading with him to talk to me, let's work on whatever this is. He wasn't talking to me because he was pouring his heart out to her every day. How could he have sex with me and then go to work the next day and call me names and make jokes at my expense and compliment the OW endlessly? How is this in any way love?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He couldn't even restrain himself with your best friend! That's total disrespect and a double betrayal. And the bad-mouthing? Triple disrespect. 

Take what you can get financially. Is there something wrong with public schools in your area? If not, then off they go. Is your degree in something that you can easily convert into a teaching degree (like math or science) those are prime positions in most areas. 

If you live near a university look into programs that can help expand your degree into some useful profession - like speech therapy or special ed - these are not lengthy and you might be able to get a job in one of those fields while obtaining certification. 

I don't see a good future with this guy. At the very least you need to set the wheels of divorce in motion - it's a lengthy process and it could give you time to re-evaluate his alleged epiphany.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

At least as far as insurance goes, most divorce lawyers only know one thing, how to get you divorced. Afterlife they dont care and arent necessarily informed. Its a generality but do some research on your own.

Its dependent on what state you live in but many states offer new divorced, "distressed spouses" access to very good health insurance which is usually much cheaper than cobra and often better insurance that what you currently have. Do some research on your own, contact your local health and human services dept. There are programs available in most if not all states. I know in my own instance that my stbxw can walk onto one of these plans for less that a third of what I am currently paying for insurance and its better coverage. Both attorneys didnt have any real knowledge of the plans available. 

The legal world are also not sure exactly what to say about health insurance because of obamacare and its future impact. They dont have a clue because the gov. doesnt seem to have a clue. But that is a different argument.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How many times has he cheated? Has he cheated physically? You need STD tests.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do you have any children?

Sorry that you are going thru this horrible experience.

It is good that you are in counseling to help with the pain.

Is he doing anything to help you with the pain?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

The public schools around here are bad but I am willing to move where there are better schools. I only live in this state because this is where his job is. I hate it here.

As for my degree, it is in education. I can go on a sub list anywhere and work just about every day. I still won't make nearly what he does but we wouldn't starve and I do qualify for alimony. 

To my knowledge, this is his 2nd EA. I don't know of any PA's but he has proven to be a liar and a cheat so who knows? I did go to the doc and had them test me for everything under the sun. All my test results came back clean.

We have 4 kids. Oldest lives at college. So just 3 still at home with one of them in his senior year so he will go to college next fall.

He says he is trying to help me with the pain but really doesn't know what to do. He hands me a kleenex when I cry and he tries to hug me or rub my back. Sometimes that is ok and sometimes I don't want to be touched. 

He, of course, claims he has seen the light and will never do this again. The kicker? On Oct 6, I told him I needed to know he wouldn't have any type of affair again and he looked me in the eye and with the most sincere look on his face said he would never do that again. He went back to work Oct 7 and went right back to emailing her all day, until the whole thing got exposed Oct 13.

He admitted that if I hadn't found out about it, he would still be doing it, even today. He didn't stop because it was wrong, he stopped because he got caught. And really, I don't know for sure it has stopped, he did all of this through his work email so he could still be doing it. I wouldn't have any way of knowing.

I was very tight with my best friend. We always talked about how we knew we had a special friendship and when my husband's friend started being a real jerk to him I told him I felt bad for him that he didn't have a friend like I had C------. He copied that message to her and told her how funny he thought that was, that I would feel so silly if I knew he had a C------. That stung.


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## farnhamyrl (Nov 6, 2013)

That's total disrespect and a double betrayal.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

berries said:


> The public schools around here are bad but I am willing to move where there are better schools. I only live in this state because this is where his job is. I hate it here.





> As for my degree, it is in education. I can go on a sub list anywhere and work just about every day. I still won't make nearly what he does but we wouldn't starve and I do qualify for alimony.


Great on both counts! 


> To my knowledge, this is his 2nd EA. I don't know of any PAs. but he has proven to be a liar and a cheat so who knows?
> On Oct 6, I told him I needed to know he wouldn't have any type of affair again and he looked me in the eye and with the most sincere look on his face said he would never do that again. He went back to work Oct 7 and went right back to emailing her all day.


You gave him a chance to R and he lasted a day. 

Berries, I feel you are right - he is staying with you because he doesn't want to be cleaned out. 
Get the best settlement you can. 
Look into health insurance as per the post earlier. 
Move. 
Don't be afraid of being lonely because there is nothing lonelier than living with a lying cheating excuse for a husband. Believe me I know. 

After reading stories on TAM, I am convinced that WS should be given ONE chance and ONE chance only. The amount of times BS are taking them back a 2nd, 3rd and more times is tragic. That he starting emailing your best friend *the day after *he told you he would never do that again says it all. And it was your best friend! She is now a POSOW. Ugh!
He doesn't deserve another chance. 
Make a new life for yourself, unlike many on here you have the means to do so.
Wrap him up, tie a red bow around him and tell your 'best friend' she can have him for.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Yes, he was obviously lying when he promised to never cheat again because he had already been in an affair with her for 4 weeks and then continued another week. And he told her over and over again about how he planned to leave me, talked to her about leaving her husband, etc. They were convincing each other that I had nobody who cared about but them and wanted me to believe the same. When I match up the messages between she and I at the same times as the messages between she and my husband, it makes me sick. They were trying to convince me that I was crazy. And had it gone on much longer, it may just have worked.

In his first EA, he didn't talk about our marriage or me, it was just all fun and games. This one was much worse. He refuses to leave even though I have asked him to several times. I will have to get a court order to get him out. Even the kids want him to go. My friend had been like an aunt to them and they have grown up being friends with her 2 sons. This one has rocked us all.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hopefully you have deleted your X best friend, from your life------It is obvious that the person your H, was when you married, long ago---he is not that same person----he seems to want other things, and so it seems, other women---take it for what it is---AND MOVE ON

As to getting a teaching job-----Don't come to calif---there is no school district that is hiring----Nevada is hiring all over the place---so check with the state dept of education before you move to a state----or maybe your parents can help you

Get your D, and get out of this toxic situation---and no matter what ---DO NOT LET YOUR H MANIPULATE YOU INTO STAYING

As you say---once you are ready to meet new people---you should be fine---It is your H's loss---and make sure it stays his loss----do not go back---HE IS NOT THE SAME PERSON YOU MARRIED ALL THOSE YEARS AGO


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Oh she is gone, no part of my life. It hurts, I'll admit I miss her. But I can never forgive her for this.

My father is dead unfortunately and my mom's situation isn't that great either so I'll have to go it alone. I'm looking into the Atlanta area, I don't have to teach, I'm willing to do just about anything.

The sad thing is, I think he is the person I married 21 years ago. He has never made me a top priority and I realize now that I settled. We were both young, I guess I thought he would grow up. Lesson learned there. He is at his individual counseling right now. He keeps telling me how hard he is trying. All I can think is, why is it so hard? If it is that much trouble, then maybe we just aren't a good match. I haven't had to work so hard to stay faithful, it has actually been pretty damn easy and it is not for lack of opportunity. This whole situation just disgusts me. I've told him that I can't think of any thing he can do to fix this. Some things are just not fixable.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

It all boils down to ACTIONS VS WORDS


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're young! You don't need to stay married to a serial cheater.

How did you restrain yourself from kicking his a$$ to the curb when you found out he cheated the third time?? The scooter chick sounds highly questionable to me.

What consequences did he suffer for all these indiscretions?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I screamed at him to get out after I found out. He just refuses to go. After the first EA, we went to therapy. We went for a while, things seemed to get better. He seemed remorseful for what he had done. Then the scooter thing happened and I kicked him out my room. I actually made him go to a part of the house that had it's own door to the outside so he could come and go and I wouldn't have to look at him. He swore up and down that nothing happened and as he told my ex-friend, he regrets telling me about it because he is tired of it being brought up and if he hadn't told me I would have never known. I was trying to figure out what to do and one of our crazy neighbors called CPS on us saying we were abusing our kids. It was an unfounded claim but we had to close ranks and support each other to get through it. We also made a quick move to get out of that neighborhood. I guess that just got swept under the rug.

This time, I just feel done. He wants 3 months to convince me he loves me, he didn't mean all the nasty things he was saying to my friend. He was "just venting" he says. He admits it was cruel but says he just didn't care at the time. Then I found it all out and within 24 hours he "cared". Claims he doesn't miss the OW a bit. I'm all he has ever wanted. He was just mad and stressed so he was looking for a "sliver of happiness". I can't guarantee him a lifetime of never being mad or stressed again so what then. Is he going to go after my mom? Our son's girlfriend? Who is off limits? Everyone should be but his boundaries are apparently non-existent. He says he knew what he was doing was wrong while he was doing it and did not care. Over 100 pages of emails in 5 weeks. That is a LOT of not caring.

He has always been a great dad so I let a lot of stuff go because my kids were happy. Well, the past 6 months he checked out on them too. None of us have mattered to him and now he says he realized what he was giving up and doesn't want to lose us. I think it is too late.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

He refuses to sign a post-nup with an infidelity clause. He says he won't sign away his "rights". Does that sound like someone who intends to remain faithful? His therapist told him today that I have no reason to believe one word that comes out of his mouth, that he is going to have to show me he is changing through his actions. I thought signing a post-nup would be a show of good faith. He says he will take a polygraph but not sign a post-nup. I guess that is the action that tells me what I need to know.

He doesn't seem to get that I am over him. At first, I was ruled by my emotions but I'm following my head and my gut now and they tell me I just don't respect him. I think I am in the apathy phase.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

He IS NOT A GREAT DAD or anything else, if he has cheated, on you, that is also cheating on his kids----HE IS NOT A GREAT DAD----what he is, is a POS-------do not let him back, he just wants to avoid what goes with D-----

HOLD ON TO YOUR OWN SELF RESPECT


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

berries, have you posted your story here before?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What does your ex best friends husband say about all this??


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

No, I am new here. I have posted about the first EA and scooter incident on SI when that occurred. Now I'm here.

The last I spoke to her husband he told he was overwhelmed and I told him I understood. He asked for emails and I sent them and then he wanted info on a secret bank account she had opened in another country. I haven't heard back from him and that is ok. He has to figure out what he wants to do with his marriage. I'm out of it now.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I thought I had read the scooter incident before. I am sorry you find yourself on this section now.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I guess I should have known I'd be back in the same situation. Love is truly blind.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You sound like you have a spouse who is saying all the 'correct' things necessary to keep life comfortable. And yes, you are right. If he was that upset and guilty and regretful, he would sign a post nup in a flash. His excuse....he won't sign his life away???? Surely, his marriage was doing just that? (I mean in a positive way). Seems the financials mean more than the marriage vows.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Apathy.....the fighting is over. The passion, the care, the love, the wanting to fix and heal...all over. 

I am there too. Apathy is a countdown to the end. He may as well pull out all stops to pull it back from the edge of the abyss or just let go and its over. Or rather you should let go. It is over. (me too. Hard isn't it? Much easier than before the apathy set in though)


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

It is hard. But there is nothing I can do. He made his choices, now I have to make mine. I just have to get a few details lined up and then I am filing. He thinks he has a chance to win me back but he is doing nothing to do so. He says he knows he needs to change but has no idea how. Like I am supposed to know?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

He has no idea how---give me a break---IF HE WANTED TO MAKE A GO OF AN R---he would move heaven and earth, to do what was/is NEEDED, to make the R work

His actions speak way louder than his words----the closer you get to finalizing the end of this mge---he may decide he now needs to try and manipulate you---do not allow him to do so

Take it to D----if he really wants to be with you---he can start over from scratch, and try to "win" you back, by courting you, and doing all the right things---but at least you will be legally free of him, and can decide your future without being forcibly tied to him---YOU CAN SEE WHAT HE IS REALLY ALL ABOUT---------let it go to D---then see how YOU want to deal with YOUR FUTURE


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Yes please walk away, in fact run!

I can't believe he wouldn't sign a post-nup. I never heard of one of those before. He won't sign away his rights to have an affair! Hmmmm! So he doesn't even trust himself. He might as well have said "I'll stay as long as nothing better comes along." What arrogance. 

It clearly shows you were right all along. He only started trying to do R when he found out you could clean him out. It's a false R and you have already had one of those. They so often are.

Engage the best lawyer in town and get a good settlement. 

I'll repeat what I said on another thread: 
WS should be given ONE chance and one chance only at R .
He got his chance. 

Personally I don't think they even deserve that. I have come to not believe in R from what I have read on TAM. The R threads are SO depressing, even those couples who are doing it well. I think the reason is that BS cannot 'fall in love' with WS all over again because they wouldn't have the first time if they knew who they were. It's trying to brainwash yourself into falling in love with a liar, someone who cruelly disrespected you. 

It is hard to do an about turn and live in a new paradigm and it will take a while to adjust. Try and move to somewhere you really like. Once you get a job you will make friends. It doesn't take long.

Let us know of your plans and I'm sure posters here will give you more than enough encouragement. I certainly will. 

BTW, I can't tell you the amount of times I have seen a woman's 'best friend' making a play for her husband. The 'sisterhood' is a joke. So don't think what happened to you is unusual. It's not. You didn't know what she was like either until now. 

Onward and upward and wave goodbye to those creeps. :smthumbup:


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

tbh, trust would be gone in my case, I would be terrified that he would plot something else - affairs are one thing, mistakes happen and that doesn't always mean you care any less ofr your partner, but its the other things - he has shown what is in his character and what his intensions were about you- I am already paranoind my husband isn't the man I thought and now I wonder what his intensions are - you had it in black and white, the man you trusted was going to have you sent to a mental institution? how can you know he won't let the dust settle and try something else? I know I am perhaps paranoid, and watch to much TV, but I find I am sorting stuff and protecting myself, even to the poin t of not anting to go on the cruises my husband always said we would..I find I am wondering if he would push me overboard.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Sadly, I DID know my friend was risky. She has always been inappropriate towards men. She is one of those types that think there is not a man in the world who doesn't want to shag her. I even told my husband years ago to be careful around her, she would take a nice gesture and misinterpret it as interest. So what did he do? He told her that I warned him about her and asked if that was just more of my paranoia coming out. She said she knew I would think she was taking advantage of the fact that we were having problems. Well, hello? She DID take advantage!

I don't trust him, that much is clear. He says he doesn't know how to court someone who is so hostile to him. What does he expect, for me to fall all over myself that he is finally talking to me? He'll ask me about doing something and I just tell him I don't care. Because I don't. I stopped caring. The first 3 weeks after I found all this horribleness out I thought I would try to find a way to get through it. Then he got caught in another lie and then threw me under the bus with my son's therapist. Since then, I've been done. Nothing will ever change and he doesn't even know how to change. He says he knows he has to but doesn't have any idea how to do it. And while his therapist agrees he can't keep doing this crap to me he isn't providing him with any ideas on how to change his behavior. Maybe the therapist realizes it's a lost cause, I don't know. My therapist tells me that he is not good for me. He tears down my self-esteem and our marriage is not safe for me.

I can't file for divorce as long as he is still living here. Stupid law if you ask me. So the first trick is getting him to leave.


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## Roll Tide (Nov 4, 2013)

berries said:


> I can't file for divorce as long as he is still living here. Stupid law if you ask me. So the first trick is getting him to leave.


Adultery is one of the 12 grounds for fault divorces in Georgia. Adultery is defined to include both heterosexual and homosexual sexual relations outside the bounds of marriage. Before a couple can divorce, the married couple must cease to have sexual relations, after which a party may bring suit for divorce.

You do not have to live separately. You have to stop having sex.

Steps to Take After you Decide to Divorce | Lawfirms.com

I used to know the case laws as well as my lawyer.

If you live in Georgia, you can file for a FAULT divorce. You can ask for and seek that he pays at least a percent of your Cobra Insurance.

You need to speak to a lawyer. There is a lot you can do.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I am in Arkansas. And yeah, sex is definitely not happening and hasn't since I found out. I have had consultations with numerous attorneys. I need to pick which one I want to go with and figure out how to get him out. I think I have to file a legal separation first to get him out, then file for divorce.


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## Roll Tide (Nov 4, 2013)

Berries,

Sorry you are here, but good for you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I needed to know he wouldn't have any type of affair again and he looked me in the eye and with the most sincere look on his face said he would never do that again.*

Ironically, when he used the word "never" it practically told me he was lying. If you do a little research online on words and phrases liars use, "never" is one of them. 

My wife has not use this word since she had came clean in late April and I have not even brought this to her attention. I watch her words all the time now. I educated myself on liars, their movements, words, phrases, etc. Not 100% but enlightening.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Good advice Thorburn.

I just got an email from him, he wants to take me out tonight. Ugh, I'd rather gouge my own eyeballs out.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Part of the thing with me is, once the divorce is final, there is no going back. My parents married and divorced each other 3 times before they finally just stopped already. I will not be like them.

But, as I have told my husband, I don't want to be married to a serial cheater and a liar. And currently, I am. I feel like divorce is the only option. It scares me though because what kind of hood rat is he going to bring home and try to make step mommy to my kids? My kids are smart and if he brings home a dummy, they will eat her alive. And my 20 year old daughter is my mini-me and has already said, if he tries to marry someone else she already hates her. Doesn't matter who she is. So that woman has her work cut out for her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

berries said:


> Part of the thing with me is, once the divorce is final, there is no going back. My parents married and divorced each other 3 times before they finally just stopped already. I will not be like them.
> 
> But, as I have told my husband, I don't want to be married to a serial cheater and a liar. And currently, I am. I feel like divorce is the only option. It scares me though because what kind of hood rat is he going to bring home and try to make step mommy to my kids? My kids are smart and if he brings home a dummy, they will eat her alive. And my 20 year old daughter is my mini-me and has already said, if he tries to marry someone else she already hates her. Doesn't matter who she is. So that woman has her work cut out for her.


Berries, chill girl. Who your WH ends up with should not be a concern. You are jumping to scenerios in your mind.

Disengage. Go 180 on his butt and emotionally detach. What he does in the future with someone else should not matter. When it does not matter you have reached peace.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Oh I am definitely in 180 mode. But I can't help but worry about the future for my kids sake. He has shown that his judgment sucks. I worry about the aftermath of a divorce for my kids' sake. Hell, I even worry about bringing home someone myself. Single mothers are targets for pedophiles. I have an 11 year old daughter. And with my choice in best friend and husband, obviously my ability to determine someone with good character is flawed as well.

I always try to think past the here and now. I worry for my kids.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

berries said:


> Oh I am definitely in 180 mode. But I can't help but worry about the future for my kids sake. He has shown that his judgment sucks. I worry about the aftermath of a divorce for my kids' sake. Hell, I even worry about bringing home someone myself. Single mothers are targets for pedophiles. I have an 11 year old daughter. And with my choice in best friend and husband, obviously my ability to determine someone with good character is flawed as well.
> 
> I always try to think past the here and now. I worry for my kids.


You are a great mother. All I am trying to say is you have jumped into future mode. Hel* you seem like you are almost remarried. LOL And you are not even through the hard part.

Picking the wrong men. Well you can get help with that. If you are flawed in that area. Right now that can be put on hold.

Work through the D. Get the best terms you can.

And please stop rushing the future. 

And for the sake of Pete stay away from Hood rats.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I doubt I will ever remarry. Too much work.

For now, squirreling away money to pay a retainer is priority #1.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Last night's conversation was illuminating. According to him he was "just looking for someone to talk to" and it started to spiral out of control and he "just didn't know how to stop it". I had to point out all the emails he said along the way that he knew he was betraying me. Any of those times would have been a great time to end it. But nope, he didn't end it and showed no signs of doing so. He only ended it when I found out about it and he fought me tooth and nail to give up the name of the person who he was having his EA with. He attempted to protect her up to the very end.

I've told him I want a divorce. He plans to contest everything every step of the way. His selfishness knows no end.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Now my ex- best friend's mom is harassing me, sending me messages laughing at how my husband chose her daughter over me and how that proves how superior she is. This ******* has until the first of the year to find a place to live. I am allowing him to stay through the holidays purely for my kids' sakes.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

berries said:


> Now my ex- best friend's mom is harassing me, sending me messages laughing at how my husband chose her daughter over me and how that proves how superior she is. This ******* has until the first of the year to find a place to live. I am allowing him to stay through the holidays purely for my kids' sakes.


She will stop laughing and start harassing her daughter about how she couldn't get hold of a man when your STBXH gets bored and goes out to finde some other harlot.

Don't even read her messages, if possible.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Her daughter is already married. And she ain't going to leave her $300,000 a year hubby for my POS. So he loses it all.


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## JadedHusband (Aug 17, 2013)

berries said:


> Now my ex- best friend's mom is harassing me, sending me messages laughing at how my husband chose her daughter over me and how that proves how superior she is. This ******* has until the first of the year to find a place to live. I am allowing him to stay through the holidays purely for my kids' sakes.


Did you share that information with your husband? Might help him understand what he has done.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

berries said:


> Her daughter is already married. And she ain't going to leave her $300,000 a year hubby for my POS. So he loses it all.


Ah, the more the merrier approach. It must be running in their family.

Any chance you could reach out to that 300K man and give him some low down? Don't let them get away with this.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Why does so much of this sound so familiar? Hmmmmmmm


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Ah, the more the merrier approach. It must be running in their family.
> 
> Any chance you could reach out to that 300K man and give him some low down? Don't let them get away with this.


Or, she could use the threat to expose and get her WH sign the divorce papers. I bet the AP will put tremendous pressure on the WH to sign the papers if there is a threat of exposure. 
Record all the conversations.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)




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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Yes, I told him. He says that he never wanted that to happen. Well what DID he want to happen? He, of course, doesn't know. All he can say is, he was mad. Well, I guess I deserve it then.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

WTH? I'm not a troll. If you don't want to read my thread then don't click on it. Last thing I need is some jerks on a message board treating me like crap too.

I have already informed the OW's husband. I sent him the proof. What he does with that or not is his business.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

berries said:


> WTH? I'm not a troll. If you don't want to read my thread then don't click on it. Last thing I need is some jerks on a message board treating me like crap too.
> 
> I have already informed the OW's husband. I sent him the proof. What he does with that or not is his business.


Why was your friend extorting money? Why was that one phone call a reason for them to email
each other? They didn't have each other's emails before that? 
This sounds a lot like the story another troll started who was trying to connect with men to get money out of them.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Have you ever read Shania Twains infidelity story?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> Have you ever read Shania Twains infidelity story?


Did you ever read Rosie1's infidelity story?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Did you ever read Rosie1's infidelity story?


diwali, you've been around since Feb. 2012. Has Rosie's little selfish adventure convinced you that all threads now are trollish in nature?

I don't sense for one second that this is a troll. What I do sense is a woman in a helluva lot of pain, agony, and uncertainty about her future.

C'mon, man.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

3putt said:


> diwali, you've been around since Feb. 2012. Has Rosie's little selfish adventure convinced you that all threads now are trollish in nature?
> 
> I don't sense for one second that this is a troll. What I do sense is a woman in a helluva lot of pain, agony, and uncertainty about her future.
> 
> C'mon, man.


No it's the same writing style and elements of her first story combined with the story I told her about my ex and my best friend, down to them trying to convince me I was crazy. But it's just a coincidence. 

Just don't give this person your email or any personal info.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

In case you didn't know, she/he/it isn't just a troll. They are trying to get personal information like phone numbers, addresses, birthdays out of men here using pics of "her" from a modeling agency.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

" I am 39 years old, still have a great figure and men still find me attractive, I get hit on a lot."

Most betrayed spouses are in way too much pain to be advertising themselves. Just saying.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

berries said:


> Her daughter is already married. And she ain't going to leave her $300,000 a year hubby for my POS. So he loses it all.


If her spouse has so much money why is your husband getting extorted for money?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> In case you didn't know, she/he/it isn't just a troll. They are trying to get personal information like phone numbers, addresses, birthdays out of men here using pics of "her" from a modeling agency.


Not sure what to say about all this, as I haven't been around as much lately, but I can't believe peeps around here would be naive enough to give out that kind of info to anonymous newbies. 

But then again.......

Have you noticed that this type of thing has really ramped up since the DC website went down? Berries, this isn't directed towards you, just an observation.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

3putt said:


> Not sure what to say about all this, as I haven't been around as much lately, but I can't believe peeps around here would be naive enough to give out that kind of info to anonymous newbies.
> 
> But then again.......
> 
> Have you noticed that this type of thing has really ramped up since the DC website went down? Berries, this isn't directed towards you, just an observation.


Well when they are seasoned cons who know exactly what to say to vulnerable people it's easy.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Well when they are seasoned cons who know exactly what to say to vulnerable people it's easy.


Unfortunately true.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

3putt said:


> Unfortunately true.


And they don't have the sense to not use another flower name? Really?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> And they don't have the sense to not use another flower name? Really?


I don't know. I just think a whole lot of folks have been awfully quick to pull the trigger on TROLL ALERT lately. Perhaps it's warranted, perhaps not. I think the prudent thing to do would be to alert the mods and let them handle it if they feel it needs looking into.

Otherwise, what's the point of even being here and trying to help if every other thread is going to be ringing a troll bell in people's minds?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

3putt said:


> I don't know. I just think a whole lot of folks have been awfully quick to pull the trigger on TROLL ALERT lately. Perhaps it's warranted, perhaps not. I think the prudent thing to do would be to alert the mods and let them handle it if they feel it needs looking into.
> 
> Otherwise, what's the point of even being here and trying to help if every other thread is going to be ringing a troll bell in people's minds?


Honestly this group isn't going to leave until they know this well had dried up. Trolls piss me off but con men are a whole different story.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Well you are all in luck because I do not wish to have anyone's email or photos or anything else. I thought this was a place that was supportive of people dealing with an unfaithful spouse.

Again, I do not want anyone's personal information.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

berries said:


> Well you are all in luck because I do not wish to have anyone's email or photos or anything else. I thought this was a place that was supportive of people dealing with an unfaithful spouse.
> 
> Again, I do not want anyone's personal information.


And if you are real, just keep on going now that every body has been warned.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Flower name? I'm sorry, I'm new so I don't know what this is referring to.

Now as for the friend extorting money issue, it isn't really relevant to the affair really. My husband's friend was a jerk. My husband and my my oldest son had done some work for him at his house and then he had a gun come up missing. He was convinced my son took his gun and he was threatening to go to the police unless we paid him. This went on for weeks and the amount he wanted kept changing from $500- $6000. Anyway, as it turned out, the gun was found, he had forgotten that he had duct taped it to a wall behind his clothes in his closet. Don't ask me why, it makes no sense to me. But this guy has nothing to do with the affair really.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> And they don't have the sense to not use another flower name? Really?


That is my dogs name. You really need to get a grip. This is just a message board, not life. And I have nothing to do with this thread or whatever is going on in the OP's life. I don't know her but I feel sorry for her.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I don't know why that one phone call started the chain of events that it did. The only 2 people who know what was said during that conversation aren't talking. They "don't remember". Now my friend had my husband's email address but my husband did not have hers because she had switched to different email address. They had not emailed each other since my husband had his 1st EA and she tried to jump in then to "help" too. That should have been a red flag to me but my husband turned her down and said he would not be talking privately to her because he knew he had to be open with me because of the EA.

Somehow, all that knowledge and restraint fell out of his head in the past couple of years because this time he jumped in with both feet.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

diwali123, what is your beef with me? I haven't read your story, I'll try to look it up to see if I can see what on earth you are talking about. I wish this was a story I was just making up but sadly this is my reality. If I am only going to get attacked then I will try to find a more supportive forum. Does anyone have any suggestions of a forum supportive to betrayed spouses who are trying to prepare themselves for divorce?


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

berries said:


> diwali123, what is your beef with me? I haven't read your story, I'll try to look it up to see if I can see what on earth you are talking about. I wish this was a story I was just making up but sadly this is my reality. If I am only going to get attacked then I will try to find a more supportive forum. Does anyone have any suggestions of a forum supportive to betrayed spouses who are trying to prepare themselves for divorce?


You belong here, this is the place for you to stay.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> You belong here, this is the place for you to stay.


Oh the con men are talking to each other! Yay! It's sock puppet theater!


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I am starting to get really offended at you for calling me a con man. That is uncalled for. How do I contact a mod?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Never mind, I figured out how to report to a mod. I have no idea if it will do any good as I am not familiar with how heavily this place is moderated. But diwali123, you have been reported.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

berries said:


> Never mind, I figured out how to report to a mod. I have no idea if it will do any good as I am not familiar with how heavily this place is moderated. But diwali123, you have been reported.


Awww...it's all new to you isn't it sweetie?


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

Can i just say, I'm going through just finding out my husband is cheating... I'm not even thinking about my figure and what i have to offer another man... its just not a main concern...


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I was pointing out that I haven't "let myself go" as some men like to claim as the reason they step out. It was meant as nothing more. I'm not advertising.


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## Lumen (Nov 8, 2013)

One problem I see, from my own experience and lawyers telling me the same, you will have one hell of a lot of trouble moving out of state with your kids of he doesn't want you to.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Please refrain from calling other members trolls on TAM. It is disrespectful and against forum guidelines.

If you do not believe someone's story, simply ignore the thread. We believe in giving members the benefit of the doubt unless we have reason to believe otherwise or if it is an extreme case.

If you want us to check out a member or a particular thread, please use the "report post" link near the bottom left of the post. These issues are almost always looked at by a moderator.

Thanks.


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## Justbreathe12 (Oct 27, 2013)

Long time lurker, first time poster. Thanks for getting me to join the club no one want to be a member of, but I am so bothered by your story I wanted to try and help. 

Firstly, your husband sounds like he checked out long ago....and I suspeCt you know that. Where are your parents from, could you and the kids stay with your mom until you file?

How are your kids taking ths?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> Why was your friend extorting money? Why was that one phone call a reason for them to email
> each other? They didn't have each other's emails before that?
> This sounds a lot like the story another troll started who was trying to connect with men to get money out of them.


NOT calling you fake at all, but this was my very first thought, too: 

Why exactly is your friend able to extort money from you? Why was this even an issue? If you didn't take the gun, the only thing the police would be able to do is file a theft report, investigate whether or not your son took it, and, basically, that's it.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

My husband admits to checking out. He claims to have checked back in now but he is still doing the same things he was doing during the affair, he spends all evening after work and all day every day on the weekends in front of the tv and acts like none of us exist.

My mom is not in a good situation either. She is in no position to take us in. My oldest son is having the hardest time. I have started him in therapy and his therapist has expressed her concern with his depression. The 2 younger kids seem ok, they say they don't want to see a therapist but know they can come to me to talk whenever they want. My oldest lives at college so she is the least affected.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

The friend that had the affair is not the same friend who was trying to extort money. I didn't say he successfully extorted money, he was just making all kinds of threats, like threatening to call CPS on us, having my son charged with a crime, having my oldest daughter charged with a crime, he was going to sue us for a multitude of things, etc. It was all talk but it was constant and stressful at the time. I needed my husband to deal with him and my husband was not answering my calls or emails. So I gave my friend his direct phone number at work to get her to tell him I was coming to get him early so he could deal with his friend. Apparently, they talked about a lot more, I was not privy to the conversation but based on what I see in the emails they decided during that phone call to take their communication to email.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Yes, I know my husband can prevent me from taking the kids out of state. He hasn't decided yet if he will fight that or not. He knows we will have better opportunities somewhere else but he may be selfish enough to not care and make us stay here anyway. All I can do is go for it.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

berries said:


> My husband admits to checking out. He claims to have checked back in now but he is still doing the same things he was doing during the affair, he spends all evening after work and all day every day on the weekends in front of the tv and acts like none of us exist.


So he's still cheating on you. He may not be sticking it to the OW, but he's keeping things from you and that's just as bad. If he's not having an affair now he might jump into anther one to escape reality. 

Do you want me to sugar coat everything and kiss your ass or do you want the truth? Because I think you should start the divorce process, get on the divorce diet, and start getting on with your life. If he gives a crap about you he'll want to prove to you he loves you by trying to stop the divorce or talk things through, and if not.... it's just a count down to freedom.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I hear you loud and clear Nsweet. He claims it is too hard to approach me. Like he expects a ticker tape parade for not yelling at me anymore.

I am working hard to get my ducks in a row so I can file. It is just going to take some time.

What is the divorce diet?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

berries said:


> I hear you loud and clear Nsweet. He claims it is too hard to approach me. Like he expects a ticker tape parade for not yelling at me anymore.
> 
> I am working hard to get my ducks in a row so I can file. It is just going to take some time.
> 
> What is the divorce diet?


The divorce diet, or "single digits" - as in getting a lower body fat percentage so you can get phone numbers when you're single, it's just a way of saying you start watching what you eat and exercising so you can attract another man after your divorce and have casual sex. I've lost over 65lbs on my divorce diet, over 2 and a half years. 

There is another thing you can try that kinda goes with the 180. You just don't pay any attention to your husband if he's going to ignore you and mope around and you go live your life. When he wants to talk you can listen but don't let yourself be sucked into anything about how what he did is your fault or how you need to change to please him. That's just talk out of hurt and there's no "we" until he wants to be a part of this marriage again.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Um, casual sex isn't my thing. But thanks.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

berries said:


> Um, casual sex isn't my thing. But thanks.


That's what you picked up on?:scratchhead:

Even if you were to file today, casual sex and dating wouldn't be a wise thing to do. It takes time to get over the emotional hurt and be able to trust yourself again so you can give yourself to another person. I am buy no means telling you to just get out there and throw it around.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Deleted by user - inappropriate and too confrontational - apologies all


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## Bagavadgita (Nov 12, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> ... says the guy with two nude male images for avatars and a friends' list full of groupies?
> 
> (Nice to see several of the wayward wives flocking to be your pal, BTW. Some people never learn. )


Wait is that really him???


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Deleted


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## Bagavadgita (Nov 12, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Of course it's not. Not sure of any other reason for him to put pics like that up except to draw a female crowd, and he sure did.
> 
> I'm not a newbie - been a reader and poster for over a year and a half. And I can do it with my clothes on.


He seems gay to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Bagavadgita said:


> He seems gay to me. Not that there's anything wrong with that.


I won't go there. That's not the point. It's just that a site like this, with so much hurt and trauma and life-altering decisions, should be above wanna be PUA's.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I am gay.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Nsweet said:


> So you've been here for a year and a half and you have no friends. I feel bad for you. I mean not only are you prejudice to other members you're rude, homophobic, and probably living a very sad life if all you have to look forwards to on TAM is Tolling.
> 
> Imean you were the one that came in here accusing me of having lots of female friendsor "groupies", as you called them, for what EAs/PAs? Either you're quick to jump to conclusions or that's what you're here for and based on your attitude I wouldn't put it past you to be the WH on TAM looking for a little action on the side.


LOL I don't come to this website for friends. I came for advice, and to try to help others out.

That actually changes things a LOT, to know you are gay. From where I sit, it looked a whole lot like a PUA preying on very fragile women here. I'm not a homophobe in the slightest. But see how we are getting the wrong idea about each other?

My apologies, sincerely, for mis-reading what you were about.


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## Bagavadgita (Nov 12, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> I won't go there. That's not the point. It's just that a site like this, with so much hurt and trauma and life-altering decisions, should be above wanna be PUA's.


What's a PUA? 

Have you seen the avatars a lot of the women have here? So everyone should change their avatars to women who are modestly dressed and ugly? Otherwise if you post a pic of yourself as a famous movie star you are here to get laid?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Pick Up Artist

No of course not. Have whatever avatar you want. I combined the photos with the advice about telling a BS to get ready for wild action, that tipped my intuition the wrong way.

Again, apologies for misinterpreting what he meant.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Why are we even arguing with this Troll? He doesn't care about berry's thread or any real CWI situations here. He just wants to stir up a fight with me and win some ridiculous argument he's got in his head. I didn't even know this joker before today, and already he's going in my ignore list after this message. 

You're on your way to getting banned buddy.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

If they ban me, they ban me. I'm not a troll and I'm told you need to be careful tossing that word around.

Sincerely, I apologize for misunderstanding what you were up to.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> Pick Up Artist
> 
> No of course not. Have whatever avatar you want. I combined the photos with the advice about telling a BS to get ready for wild action, that tipped my intuition the wrong way.
> 
> Again, apologies for misinterpreting what he meant.


Did you even read the advice you quoted? I was telling her not to go out and seek casual sex until after divorce. To wait a while until she feels ready and not go throwing it around. Read it again. I could have worded it differently but my point to begin with was there's better things out there after divorce once you recover, and I didn't even get to the long painful recovery part because that part kinda frightens those on the edge.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Yes I did. It seemed like backtracking because the OP challenged it as well.

Again, I misinterpreted. I'm big enough to own my mistake.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Sorry, the casual sex reference weirded me out. But as for after it is all over, the stress diet is working wonders. Not that I needed to lose any weight to begin with. I'm already having to start every therapy session by stepping on a scale because my appetite is gone.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

berries said:


> Sorry, the casual sex reference weirded me out. But as for after it is all over, the stress diet is working wonders. Not that I needed to lose any weight to begin with. I'm already having to start every therapy session by stepping on a scale because my appetite is gone.


I had the same thing happen to me right after I put all the pieces together about my wife's affair(s). I didn't eat or sleep for days at a time and ended up losing 10lbs in a couple weeks. I just stayed up reading books on how to stop your divorce. Even my MC couldn't deal with me because I was so manic over it.

Unless you're severely underweight, don't worry about your appetite. It will come back when you've settled down enough that your mind can deal with the stress. You may go for a day or two without eating at first or only eat or drink at certain times, but don't stress over it. It will come back on it's own... just don't try to force yourself to eat a lot if your stomach s in knots because that's going to be painful. 

The only thing you may want to consider is a temporary Rx for a mood stabilizer for about a month or so, which is usually what psychiatrists prescribe to people dealing with a traumatic event. Maybe something like Lamactal (Lamotrigine) which is what they give pregnant women because of the low risk of side effects. But if you wanted to go the alternate route tryptophan or 5-HTP will work and so will Valerian root or any number of herbs or teas. 

Besides that the only thing I'll tell you is that this kind of stress acts on the body a lot like PTSD. You'll play out memories over and over until you come to terms and be triggered by every little thing, generally you'll feel horrible when you're around anything that reminds you of that event. 

Try to get some sleep if you can, drink a lot of water, and eat if you're ready, but just do not run from this pain. It's going to follow you until you confront it and decide what you're ready to let go, and you may go back to certain events months from now and see something you missed before. But I promise you it's going to get better in a while. 

Use TAM to vent, b!tch, or complain whenever you need an outlet and work through those feelings and just let it all out. Generally it takes a couple weeks to a month or so before BSs start feeling better, at least from what I've seen, and then they start feeling human again. But everyone who comes here goes through a bad period and ends up doing a little better each day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

berries said:


> Sorry, the casual sex reference weirded me out. But as for after it is all over, the stress diet is working wonders. Not that I needed to lose any weight to begin with. I'm already having to start every therapy session by stepping on a scale because my appetite is gone.


Your therapist is concerned you aren't taking care of yourself?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your doctor should be able to recommend some food supplements to help you. It's important you keep yourself fit.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Hell if nothing else, get some Ensure shakes just to keep a nutrition content flowing.


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## Lumen (Nov 8, 2013)

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to already know what you need to do. You've already talked to lawyers and know you can get alimony and child support. Just get on with your life and quit waiting for him. 
As the saying goes, "Sh!t or get off the pot."


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Yes, my therapist is concerned that I am not taking care of myself. I am a small person naturally. I am short, 5'0" and normally weigh around 115. I am in double digits now and my clothes don't fit. They have given me ambien for sleep, Effexor for depression and Klonipin for anxiety. I feel like a walking pharmacy.

Therapy was good today. She just really wants me to focus on me and keeps telling me to stop figuring him into the equation. If I want to do that later on that is my choice but right now, I come first. And she said I may not ever figure him back in again and that is ok too. She said she is not anti-divorce and sometimes that is what ends up being the best thing for everyone. Lots of food for thought.

The worst part about not eating? I am a GREAT cook and I still cook dinner every night for the family. So I am missing out on some really good food. I hope my husband enjoys it while it lasts.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

hum......


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

More harassment tonight from the OW's mom. She was sending my children nasty messages through facebook. I had to kill all of our facebook accounts. I guess this is to be our new normal.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Care to expand those thoughts edbopc? My tolerance for bull is at an all time low. That includes not just these ninnies I have to deal with in real life but the bully Troll Patrol here too. I am not here to be a punching bag. I have had enough of it.

I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

berries said:


> More harassment tonight from the OW's mom. She was sending my children nasty messages through facebook. I had to kill all of our facebook accounts. I guess this is to be our new normal.


How is the OW able to send your children messages on FB? Are they friends? If not, you can't message someone you're not friends with. 

You and your children shouldn't have to shut put down their accounts. Instead you just need to block her. That way she can't even see anything you all ever post, any of your comments, or pictures. You won't even come up on a search on FB.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I did block her. She would use different names to send messages to me. And yes you can message people on facebook that are not on your friend's list.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

berries said:


> I did block her. She would use different names to send messages to me. And yes you can message people on facebook that are not on your friend's list.


You can change the settings so only friends message you.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

It isn't an issue now. The accounts are gone. Maybe, they can make new ones again some day. But for now, it just wasn't worth it.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I think it is probably time for me to move over to the Divorce or Separation forums. I can't cope with all of this. I just want out.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

berries said:


> I think it is probably time for me to move over to the Divorce or Separation forums. I can't cope with all of this. I just want out.


Now you're getting it.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

berries said:


> It isn't an issue now. The accounts are gone. Maybe, they can make new ones again some day. But for now, it just wasn't worth it.


Very easy - block the OW and her mom. IF they pay a premium, they might be able to send a message. BUT then mark any message you receive as spam and you will never get any future messages from them.

"Currently, if you send a Facebook message to someone you're not connected to, it may end up in the Other tab, an oft-overlooked subsection of the inbox that basically serves as a spam folder, depending on whether you have mutual connections. With the new option, however, you would be able to pay a premium to ensure that the message ends up in the main inbox where it's likely to be seen by the recipient.

Users will have the option to mark the incoming message as spam and move it to the Other tab, which means the sender will be unable to reach their inbox afterwards. However, if the recipient doesn't take any action, the sender will be able to continue messaging that user's inbox an unlimited number of times after paying the one-time fee."


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Hey berries, I read your story again... and please don't take offense to this, but I can see why your husband cheated on you a couple of times now. He had his first affair, the (most likely mid life crisis) EA, and what happened? You took him to marriage counseling and worked through it. Ok? Then he stepped it up and had the AP with the damsel in distress on the moped (you can't exactly prove but have a sneaking suspicion). What happened then? You talked it out. 

There you go, berries! He never got close to losing you or had the fear of losing his family and everything he loved put in him. And then this whole thing with the friend extorting him? What could he have done that would have been bad enough for someone to use that against him. Unless he killed someone or robbed his company blind and got away with it, I want to guess it was another affair. It just seems to fit the bill. 

Normally I would say separate or start the divorce process and give him a while to see what it's like to lose you and everything and decide if his mid life crisis is worth it. But then you told us he trashed you to your best friend and conned her into believing some line of crap about you being mentally ill and needing to be locked up. I highly doubt it. And that attempt to rally support against you after all the f*cked up things he's done, probably to get close to your friend to sleep with her, I just don't see any reason that he deserves to be your husband anymore. 

I'm all for reconciling and giving people a second shot, but his actions are not showing me someone who deserves it. I think he's made so much money and built this whole life up for himself where he feels he's big and powerful and can do whatever he wants and that's just not the way it works with marriage. You get to full of yourself for long enough and do the things he's done and you're going to wind up single. You deserve better than this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have already put up with too much. Talk to the police about filling harrasment charges against ow and her mom.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I agree with you Nsweet and I have learned something about myself through all of this. My parents never put me first, there was always someone else that if they had to choose between them and me, they always picked them. So I married a man who has done the same thing to me time and time again. I put up with it because it was what I knew. Well, I've learned my lesson. If I can't be a top priority, then that person does not deserve me. I will no longer settle for less.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

berries said:


> The friend that had the affair is not the same friend who was trying to extort money. I didn't say he successfully extorted money, he was just making all kinds of threats, like threatening to call CPS on us, having my son charged with a crime, having my oldest daughter charged with a crime, he was going to sue us for a multitude of things, etc. It was all talk but it was constant and stressful at the time. I needed my husband to deal with him and my husband was not answering my calls or emails. So I gave my friend his direct phone number at work to get her to tell him I was coming to get him early so he could deal with his friend. Apparently, they talked about a lot more, I was not privy to the conversation but based on what I see in the emails they decided during that phone call to take their communication to email.



There are a few things that stand out in your post. I am not attacking you or doing anything other than offering up an observation.

You seem to be a magnet for drama and other negative things. You need to look at that. Your former best friend is the definition of a bad person/friend. You have all sorts of dramatic scenarios that just don't seem to happen out of bad luck. More like bad choices. There is a ton of drama.

You don't need to buy future trouble worrying about new spouses/girlfriends boyfriends...you need to figure out why this chaotic black cloud hangs over you & your family. Just might want to look at that during this process.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

You may not mean it as an attack but it feels like one. And that is possibly because I have been treated badly by some members of this forum from the first day I joined. So, if you are one of those who wants to get a dig in at me, then I guess have at it.

Yes, my former friend was a bad friend. But I didn't know that. I thought I meant something to her. So I guess shame on me for being a fool. My husband has made a fool of me many times. I recognize that and through therapy am discovering why I allowed that to happen and how to prevent that from happening in the future.

It was my husband's friend who was causing chaos, am I also responsible for people he decided to befriend?

Sorry if this comes off snippy, I am having a rough day. I've been dealing with some really tough realities today.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

berries, she's just telling you something we all need to learn: we don't HAVE to accept people as friends if they are toxic. Sometimes the act of losing friends on purpose can show good strength and learning and growth in us so we can achieve better things in the rest of our lives.

Regarding what you could do/could have done, just do some reading about boundaries. If a friend uses or abuses you, cut them out. Make them earn their way back.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Berries,

People are giving you advice to help you. Some people are nice, some are tough. I in general am not nice Try to separate your emotions from this. Good advice is good advice so don't discount it because of how it was messaged.

People do foolish things. I thought the Steelers were going to have a good year this year... very foolish.

You are doing well. I am glad you are getting counseling. Looking at yourself and seeing how you can improve will really help you moving forward. I wish you the best of luck. God bless!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

berries said:


> I agree with you Nsweet and I have learned something about myself through all of this. My parents never put me first, there was always someone else that if they had to choose between them and me, they always picked them. So I married a man who has done the same thing to me time and time again. I put up with it because it was what I knew. Well, I've learned my lesson. If I can't be a top priority, then that person does not deserve me. I will no longer settle for less.


There you go. You just found out exactly what would have taken you months of therapy to realize. Your parents never showed you they love you, so you end up dating and marrying men who are just like them. It's nothing having to do with Elektra syndrome, you are drawn to these relationships because they feel strangely comfortable. That's how it is for a lot of people with dysfunctional childhoods. They either date people who remind them a lot of their dysfunctional parents or date other people who shared the same problems growing up, and usually doesn't work out so well. 

You want to be happy berries? Don't follow your heart next time, follow your head and give a perfectly normal almost boring man enough time with you. It may be uncomfortable and miss that drama that made the other relationships exciting but in the end you'll get used to having a man show you love without you feeling like you have to work for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> There you go. You just found out exactly what would have taken you months of therapy to realize. Your parents never showed you they love you, so you end up dating and marrying men who are just like them.


Which, according to the book Getting The Love You Want, is WHAT WE DO. We seek people who are harmful in the same way as our harmful parent, expecting this new person to CHANGE, and be what our parents could not. In other words, we want our partner to heal us, heal the pain our parent caused.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

berries said:


> Oh I am definitely in 180 mode. But I can't help but worry about the future for my kids sake. He has shown that his judgment sucks. I worry about the aftermath of a divorce for my kids' sake. Hell, I even worry about bringing home someone myself. Single mothers are targets for pedophiles. I have an 11 year old daughter. And with my choice in best friend and husband, obviously my ability to determine someone with good character is flawed as well.
> 
> I always try to think past the here and now. I worry for my kids.


Oh,don't go blaming yourself,because you have integrity and are honest.A real friend and a real spouse,don't lie and
cheat behind your back.Put the screws to your husband
as some people can only learn the hard way.

You will do just fine and have peace of mind.If you stay married to he will just go underground with his affairs.Very unlikely he
will stop cheating.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

berries said:


> You may not mean it as an attack but it feels like one. And that is possibly because I have been treated badly by some members of this forum from the first day I joined. So, if you are one of those who wants to get a dig in at me, then I guess have at it.
> 
> Yes, my former friend was a bad friend. But I didn't know that. I thought I meant something to her. So I guess shame on me for being a fool. My husband has made a fool of me many times. I recognize that and through therapy am discovering why I allowed that to happen and how to prevent that from happening in the future.
> 
> ...



No, I'm not trying to bash you. Some of the drama in my life (not even my marriage) family and friends all with crazy problems and scenarios. I realized there was a common thread. I engaged in parts of it. If my friends were in a crazy drama and I listened while they spun out, chasing their own tails...I listened and the drama changes to something else. If you start changing your standards for what you will tolerate (even listen to) things will get easier. You start weeding out those "vampire friends" that just use you or stress you out or drag you down. 

The reason I see it is because honey I've been there. I was always in the "sounds crazy but this really happened" club. 

I've been where you are down to the list of medications and the "stress induced anorexia" (my dr.s diagnosis) 

So I really said what I did because you are getting to a point where you can really make some different choices going forward. If you stop engaging or reacting to the drama (seems impossible at first), it can be done and you'll be so much better of for it. 

I'm not here to attack anyone. I'm glad you are in therapy for it because the amount of stress you are under is crippling. You need to keep it simple right now just protect you and your kids. Back to basics. I call it full lockdown self preservation mode.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I get it Kristin2349. I'm more open to it today than I was yesterday, you know how that is I'm sure. Really, both of our families are just drama filled. I stepped away from both of our families for a long time. And I have nothing to do with his family right now and I doubt I will. More drama I don't care to relive.

I have recently reconnected with some members of my family but I limit it to the people who I like, not just because they are related. I do have to deal with mother's husband which is a big UGH but I can only control so much. My grandpa is dying and I'm not willing to lose these last few months with him.

My best friend was like a sister to me for 26 years. I knew she was flawed (aren't we all?) but I just didn't see my husband taking the bait. Which was just stupid of me but I believed him when he said he learned his lesson after the first EA. I regained trust and I know I can never do that again. And as much as he claims he wants our marriage to work, he isn't sure he can deal with staying in a marriage where he will NEVER be fully trusted again. But that is the reality. He had his second chance and he blew it, big time.

Last night I asked him if he really wanted to stay married to me or if he was just afraid of the unknown and he ended up twisting the whole conversation around and accusing me of yelling at him. And that was when I looked at him and said, see, right there, you just made me out to be the villain again by claiming I am yelling at you. I am not yelling, as a matter of fact I was speaking very softly.

If the image he has of me is that I am just this crazy,mean person (his words) then I can't overcome that. He'll continue to believe that no matter what I actually do and then he will use that as his justification to cheat again.

Our marriage is over. I just have to get my ducks in a row. I only have one more duck to line up, hopefully 3 weeks away at most. Then I can file.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I get it Kristin2349. I'm more open to it today than I was yesterday, you know how that is I'm sure. Really, both of our families are just drama filled. I stepped away from both of our families for a long time. And I have nothing to do with his family right now and I doubt I will. More drama I don't care to relive.

I have recently reconnected with some members of my family but I limit it to the people who I like, not just because they are related. I do have to deal with mother's husband which is a big UGH but I can only control so much. My grandpa is dying and I'm not willing to lose these last few months with him.

My best friend was like a sister to me for 26 years. I knew she was flawed (aren't we all?) but I just didn't see my husband taking the bait. Which was just stupid of me but I believed him when he said he learned his lesson after the first EA. I regained trust and I know I can never do that again. And as much as he claims he wants our marriage to work, he isn't sure he can deal with staying in a marriage where he will NEVER be fully trusted again. But that is the reality. He had his second chance and he blew it, big time.

Last night I asked him if he really wanted to stay married to me or if he was just afraid of the unknown and he ended up twisting the whole conversation around and accusing me of yelling at him. And that was when I looked at him and said, see, right there, you just made me out to be the villain again by claiming I am yelling at you. I am not yelling, as a matter of fact I was speaking very softly.

If the image he has of me is that I am just this crazy,mean person (his words) then I can't overcome that. He'll continue to believe that no matter what I actually do and then he will use that as his justification to cheat again.

Our marriage is over. I just have to get my ducks in a row. I only have one more duck to line up, hopefully 3 weeks away at most. Then I can file.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I know that this is the hardest thing that you have ever gone thru BUT your life and your self respect will drop to new lows, if you do not divorce this man and never speak to him again.
You can not look at this as "But we did all of this, and we have children, and the health care!" This is a black and white choice that you must make right now.
I have been in your shoes and I made the wrong choice and it is on my mind every moment of everyday for the last twenty five years. Please don't make my same mistake. End this now, start to heal, learn to love and be happy with yourself and start a new life. Good luck David


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

These dang triggers! I swear, it is everywhere. I used to watch the show Big Love but I never saw that last few episodes so I thought, hey I'll watch that tonight. Then the dude starts talking about how he went on a mission to Estonia. Well, great. That is my former friend's latest obsession is that she thinks she wants to live in Estonia. I wish she would hurry up and move her butt there but her hubby may not be willing to foot her travel budget anymore.

Some of the most obscure things and then BAM, you are right back to D Day. I hate this. It would be so much easier to just not care.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I know I'm not supposed to care. I'm supposed to be over this. But I came across another email. In this one he tells my friend how he spends so much time emailing her and he reads and re reads her messages again and again. And then he tells me did not develop feelings for her. Really? Would you send that message to a guy friend?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

So, at Ws's insistence we went to marital counseling. This guy had never heard of an emotional affair and doesn't really believe it's a "thing". It was decided that our problem was communication and that is my fault because I keep talking abut the affair. The communication problems had nothing to do with the fact that my husband has been lying to me for months.

So, since hubby got to hear how he is the victim in therapy he is happy as a lark. His latest reveal is that yes, he did develop feelings for my "friend" and that when we had sex during that time period it was just casual sex to him. He wants to work on our marriage but he doesn't feel he can put 100% into it.

For people who wonder if therapy can make things worse, the answer is YES.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Berries---what are we gonna do with you


1st your H DOES NOT GET TO INSIST ON ANYTHING, HE DOES WHAT YOU WANT---you do not do what he wants------ever again

2nd THAT COUNSELOR DOES NOT KNOW HIS A*S FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND

3rd --what you need is a da*n good spanking for allowing any of that to happen---STAND UP FOR YOURSELF---AND IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO END THIS FARCICAL NONSENSE

How much crap do you intend to take---or is it you just have totally lost RESPECT FOR YOURSELF

Also I am willing to bet the counselor was a set up---no counselor, who has any kind of experience would deny knowing of an EA--------stop letting your H walk over you----DELETE HIM----NOW----no better yet yesterday


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I can relate to MC making things worse. I'm still angry at myself for going along with the H and "giving it another try" when the first session was questionable, like yours.

The counselor you saw immediately disqualified himself by being ignorant.

Also, MC is frequently abused by manipulative WS's. Why are you even going? The facts alone speak for themselves; stick to what you know and its meaning for YOU. Why debate it? Why does your H get to "insist" on anything? He's lost his vote. 

The only joint sessions you might consider would be mediation to work out shared parenting.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I am having to "play along" for now. Until I get all my ducks in a row, that is just how it has to be. There are some things I need to use him for. But I am done. I just can't make any big moves right now and have to go along with the program. I have to play this smart.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just make sure you take care of/protect yourself, no matter what you do----


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I will NOT have sex with him. I haven't since D Day Oct 13. We have never gone this long unless it was after childbirth. I am repulsed by the thought of it.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

If you feel you have to "play along" with marriage counseling, couldn't you at least go to a counselor who has some competence in the area of infidelity? You DO need to heal from this even after you move on from him. A marriage counselor who has experience in working with couples who are dealing with infidelity will KNOW what an EA is and how devastating a betrayal it is. 

If you face the possibility of several more counseling sessions with your WS, why not make them worth YOUR while? Maybe get something out of them? Some possible progress toward YOUR healing? That's only going to happen if the counselor has expertise in infidelity! Please consider doing some internet research to find someone better than the counselor you saw. 

One internet search idea, even though you don't want to save this marriage: the "National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists" website includes a search by zip code feature and has bios on the counselors so you can see how much they work with infidelity.

Continued counseling sessions with this other counselor could be really detrimental to your healing. You need help from counseling, not setbacks. Your WS has shown more than enough disrespect to you - it should NOT be continued in and facilitated by counseling! Counseling sessions are supposed to be a place for healing and truth and growth. If you have to have these sessions with him, let them be that for you. 

You can say you don't feel comfortable with this counselor. When 2 people see a counselor, BOTH need to connect with the counselor. You just didn't connect. Many couples go through several before they find the right one. YOU have the right to make this worth your time and not be treated badly, as you were in that session. Blaming you, and not believing an EA is a "thing" shows his lack of expertise. Please don't put up with any more bad treatment!


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

I have expressed that I think this guy is a quack. I am definitely looking for someone else.


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