# Dealing with grief



## Gooof (Feb 29, 2012)

I have a story as does most people in the forum. I am the guilty one here that has cheated. I'm not looking for forgiveness from what I have done. The short (very short) version is I started an emotional affair with someone at work and it turned into a full affair. I still love the her but after doing everything she ask me to, wait for her work training to end and leaving my marriage the right way she decided she could not be with me. This was over a 1.5 year period. I have made several mistakes in my life and this is just another one I guess but walking out on my wife for a few weeks was the worse. She still loves me more than ever and really has no idea what I have done, that makes it that much more difficult on me. How do I live with the guilt? Is time the only answer? Will love find its way back to me? We are still friends with the other woman, so that even complicates the issue to this day.

I just want some advice from somebody that has been in my situation, not hear about how I did something so wrong, I know I have done that. Guilt is it something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life? I do love my wife, so how could I be so bad?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First off, guilt on your part shows that you have offended someone. In your situation it is healthy as you try to redirect your moral compass. Your guilt is telling you to repair something in your life. Fix what you did. Start by telling your wife what you did and working on the issues that caused you to do this horrible thing. Accept what you did as wrong, make amends, fix what you can, and work on yourself. Guilt should make you want to change and not do what you did again in the future. You can change but you will have to own up to it and do the hard work.

IMO if you wife does not know about this you owe it to her to tell her.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Gooof said:


> I have a story as does most people in the forum. I am the guilty one here that has cheated. I'm not looking for forgiveness from what I have done. The short (very short) version is I started an emotional affair with someone at work and it turned into a full affair. *I still love the her but after doing everything she ask me to, wait for her work training to end and leaving my marriage the right way she decided she could not be with me. * This was over a 1.5 year period. I have made several mistakes in my life and this is just another one I guess but walking out on my wife for a few weeks was the worse. She still loves me more than ever and really has no idea what I have done, that makes it that much more difficult on me. How do I live with the guilt? Is time the only answer? Will love find its way back to me? We are still friends with the other woman, so that even complicates the issue to this day.
> 
> I just want some advice from somebody that has been in my situation, not hear about how I did something so wrong, I know I have done that. Guilt is it something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life? I do love my wife, so how could I be so bad?


You need to address this, you will never move on with your wife in a positive way if you still have feelings for your affair partner.

Tell your wife if you want to have a real marriage, deal with it, she deserves to know and so does your affair partners SO.

As it stands now she is living a life of a betrayed spouse and doen't even know it, give her the respect of deciding whether to stay or not knowing the WHOLE TRUTH. If she stays it will be because she can forgive you and you both can move on.

To not tell her would be selfish, IMO


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> First off, guilt on your part shows that you have offended someone. In your situation it is healthy as you try to redirect your moral compass. Your guilt is telling you to repair something in your life. Fix what you did. Start by telling your wife what you did and working on the issues that caused you to do this horrible thing. Accept what you did as wrong, make amends, fix what you can, and work on yourself. Guilt should make you want to change and not do what you did again in the future. You can change but you will have to own up to it and do the hard work.
> 
> IMO if you wife does not know about this you owe it to her to tell her.


oh yeah! and get the OW out of your lives.


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## Gooof (Feb 29, 2012)

Sincerely, thank you both for the advice. IMO my wife kind of knows, hell I would be lying if I did not think so. She has told me no matter what I have done in my past she will get past it and has no plans to ever leave. We have been married over 25 years and were also married very early. That might have been some of the problem too. We did some marriage counseling, of course I was not totally honest so did it work, no. I would be lying again if I said yes. I have been doing some reading online here and other places and telling has been a 50/50 thing, some say yes and others no. My wife is the best wife in the world, and I mean that. Everybody at works tells me how lucky I am to have a woman like her and wish their wifes were like her. I still sit here and wonder what is right. It took me a month to put up this post. Any other advice is welcome and so far I really don't disagree, she deserves to know but I would bet she already does. Our conversation over the past 6 months have included how important the "OW" is to me, she knows and I have not denied that. She asked me one day if I loved the OW and without hesitation I said yes. I have never denied having feelings just not the physical relationship. All situations are not the same that is why parts of mine are complicated. Most situations I would agree to remove the OW from your life but with a working relationship and that they are good friends that is not an option. The OW and myself have been working our end out for about a year now. She has a boyfriend I have met and we have not been physical since September, a mutual last time. I love her and I love my wife, to me love is not something that is there and then gone. My whole life I have believed love is not just a words thrown out there, it has meaning. Just because the OW and I won't be together doesn't mean I don't love her. As I love my wife and always have. I have a lot of work to do to restore my life and home but I want to do it. I just wish every time I look at my wife I didn't feel so guilty. You are all right, she probably deserves better.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

So what are you going to do if/when your wife goes hardcore on your ass and says" Pack your crap and GTFO and go be with your OW" and throws you out?...dont think it cant happen, she may see the light and dump you. 

You can not try to repair this with your wife with the OW still invloved, no way no how...if youve been lurking for over a month I'm sure you read alot on TAM and know what you must do to even have a chance with her. Your in the FOG.!!!


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## Gooof (Feb 29, 2012)

I would deserve that and I would leave. I would do whatever my wife wanted me to. The OW is not the problem anymore and being with her is not an options, she has a boyfriends and has changed and is moving on. She has been trying to help me move on too. I'm sure you read this every day but I telling you this is not the typical situation. I appreciate the advice and if my wife throws me out, I will only blame myself.

I will not be back online until next Tuesday, so if anybody post more help I am not ignoring you. Check this next week and thanks again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Gooof said:


> I would deserve that and I would leave. I would do whatever my wife wanted me to. The OW is not the problem anymore and being with her is not an options, she has a boyfriends and has changed and is moving on. She has been trying to help me move on too. I'm sure you read this every day but I telling you this is not the typical situation. I appreciate the advice and if my wife throws me out, I will only blame myself.
> 
> I will not be back online until next Tuesday, so if anybody post more help I am not ignoring you. Check this next week and thanks again.


You are deeply in denial here.

1. You have not done whatever you wife wanted you to do. She wants you to be faithful and honest with her and you are neither.

2. You continue with the OW and parade her in front of your wife. My god you must have zero care or respect for your wife to humiliate her like that. Honestly doing the and thinking it's ok, even good shows how selfish and twisted your moral and ethical compass is. It also shows what a piece of trash your affair partner is that she could be around your wife after what she has done to her. Neither of you have even an inkling of what shame actual is.

3. Your self delusional, you're still in the freaking affair, you just aren't getting laid at the moment, but next time you get the chance I'm sure you will and will rationalize it away as ok like you your other cheating.

4. At this point the only kind thing to do is confess to your wife and divorce her, giving her most of a assets in the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> First off, guilt on your part shows that you have offended someone. In your situation it is healthy as you try to redirect your moral compass. Your guilt is telling you to repair something in your life. Fix what you did. Start by telling your wife what you did and working on the issues that caused you to do this horrible thing. Accept what you did as wrong, make amends, fix what you can, and work on yourself. Guilt should make you want to change and not do what you did again in the future. You can change but you will have to own up to it and do the hard work.
> 
> IMO if you wife does not know about this you owe it to her to tell her.


I agree with Thorburn.
OP, what is your guilt? 
Or are you feeling for your AP gone away?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Gooof said:


> I would deserve that and I would leave. I would do whatever my wife wanted me to. The OW is not the problem anymore and being with her is not an options, she has a boyfriends and has changed and is moving on. She has been trying to help me move on too. I'm sure you read this every day but I telling you this is not the typical situation. I appreciate the advice and if my wife throws me out, I will only blame myself.
> 
> I will not be back online until next Tuesday, so if anybody post more help I am not ignoring you. Check this next week and thanks again.


So why cant you move on without the OW's help, since its over?
Is it because the chemicals in your brain are giving you the little fix you need. They dont call it the fog for nothing.Please read about it..

You can put any spin on it you want, you say your sistuation isnt typical, but read on here and you will see that it very much is..if you truly love your wife DO THE RIGHT THING, man up deal with it the right way.. Sounds like your wife is a great woman, maybe someother guy will find that out after its too late for you.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

If you have a great and good wife as you say, get the OW out of your life....no more contact. New job time. Sorry to say, but you sound like a horrible person to do this to your wife. 

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

she "kind of knows?"

the right thing to do would be to tell her.

you're not feeling guilty enough, if you're still keeping it a secret.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Gooof said:


> I would deserve that and I would leave. I would do whatever my wife wanted me to. The OW is not the problem anymore and being with her is not an options, she has a boyfriends and has changed and is moving on. She has been trying to help me move on too. I'm sure you read this every day but I telling you this is not the typical situation. I appreciate the advice and if my wife throws me out, I will only blame myself.
> 
> I will not be back online until next Tuesday, so if anybody post more help I am not ignoring you. Check this next week and thanks again.


Yes it is, you just don't know it yet. My H told himself that I knew about his A too, and that it was not necessary to talk to me about it formally. Oh how wrong his was. If he had honestly discussed it with me before I found out the hard way, the damage would not have been so severe. We are still together, but from my point of view, our marriage is essentially DOA. If your wife really does know about this and there are no fireworks, she probably doesn't love you, it is just that simple, and that doesn't seem to be the case after such a long relationship and what she tells you. The OW has to go, she can not ever be a part of your life again if you want your marriage. You need to end all contact will her. It really pi$$es me off that my H didn't end all contact with his AP until after I found out about her. It makes me think that he would still be with her it weren't for that. In any event I wish you and your wife the best.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Tell her everything.

THIS is what an affair does: it NEARLY destroys a spouse's trust in you.

Would you like to see that trust bombed into oblivion? Then do exactly what you're doing. Don't tell her. Pretend to yourself what all cheaters do: that telling her hurts her more. Then you'll be doing what all cheaters do best: lie, lie, and lie again. Liars who get caught are in way worse shape than liars who come clean FIRST.

It's the LIES that destroy marriages.

To quote you:
*"My whole life I have believed love is not just a words thrown out there, it has meaning."*
Well, obviously not your _whole_ life. Liar.


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## Gooof (Feb 29, 2012)

Thank you to all that replied. I truely wish I had never done what I did. I won't ever defend what I did, I was only telling my story, now I know most of you think I'm a POS, I do deserve that. If leaving my job would help I would. In this economy jobs making over $130K are hard to come by and putting us in that financial position would probably be the end of us too. One thing is right though, my wife is the BEST, I have always known that.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Gooof said:


> In this economy jobs are hard to come by


So are wives.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ok, then you've made your choice. You've chosen to end your marriage, but hey you get to stay with your AP at work.

At least divorce your wife so she can get working on finding a new guy who actually love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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