# Aching. Need support.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Been home with my family all week for Christmas/new year's.
Yesterday I finally felt like we cleared up the gift issue/fight from last week.
It was a good day.
But last night my hubs decided to throw a tantrum and storm out of the room during a fun family card game.
I choked back tears and kept playing.
He refused to discuss it with me, I pretended to laugh it off.
Slept in and woke up acting like nothing had happened.
HELP ME maintain an attitude of maturity where HE'S the one with the problem.
He behaved like a child, so i'm not stooping to the level of fighting back; I ignored it and treated him neutrally this morning without bringing it up.
He gave me a hug but will NOT apologize.
I struggled to keep from feeding his indignation with a fight, ie I didn't engage...help me stay in that strong place, please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused Love (Dec 29, 2010)

Darlin, I feel for you. I'm sorry. My husband pulls stuff like that all the time. He will freak out or be flat out mean and then go to bed and wake up like nothing ever happened. 

I understand fighting is very unpleasant, but is he trying to pick a fight with you and that's why you don't want to engage? What was his tantrum about, if you don't mind my asking? I only ask because yeah, he acted like a child, but that must of been embaressing and hurtful for you and you have a right to express those feelings. You said he refused to talk about...did he think he was in the right?

It could be he knew he acted assnine and is embaressed himself, so knowing himself is hard enough, let alone having to admit that to you. It's a big pride thing. It takes a lot for my husband to admit he is wrong, I can't pressure it at all or he gets stubborn and just refuses. (immature? Absolutely.)

I do want to support you, and if you feel the mature thing is to not fight with him then stay strong! I just don't want you to work so hard not to fight and then have resentment toward him later for it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ... But last night my hubs decided to throw a tantrum and storm out of the room during a fun family card game.
> He refused to discuss it with me,...Slept in and woke up acting like nothing had happened.
> HELP ME maintain an attitude of maturity where HE'S the one with the problem.
> He behaved like a child, so i'm not stooping to the level of fighting back; I ignored it and treated him neutrally this morning without bringing it up.
> He gave me a hug but will NOT apologize.


credamdóchasgra~

Here's where I think it gets somewhat confusing for you. It is not reasonable to "ignore it" and "treat him neutrally"--that is not "maturity" because in real life you are not okay with this. So maturity would be a W-T-F-S statement: 

"*When you* have a tantrum and storm out during a family game
*I think* you are treating me and the rest of the family poorly
*I feel* disrespected and unloved
*So I'm going to ask* that you let me know when you're ready to resolve this between us

BECAUSE

*When you* treat me with disrespect in public
*I think* of you with less admiration and love
*I feel* hurt and disconnected from you because the actions extinguished love.
*So I'd like to request* that we resolve this. Before I can open my heart and risk being warm and loving, I am just letting you know I would need resolution. I won't be mean or withholding...I just don't feel like I'm safe connecting when we have unresolved, unaddressed issues between us like a wedge."


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Affaircare, generally that advice makes sense. But in light of the pattern between me and my hubs, the best approach for me at this point is: less is more.
I told him last night that I wish he'd shake it off and that I wished we could both choose not to be angry, but I can't drag more out of him now.
We will talk about it in therapy next week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Your husband acts like a child, an angry child. I have children who act better than him! 

Believe me, dealing with an angry child needs patience, it is not easy. I am actually happy when my angry children leave my class. But when he is in my class, I have to be super sweet to him and super harsh too. I have to let him know his behavior is inappropriate but I can't hurt his ego. 

You are in a tough situation. 

Patience, smile, let it go, and treat him like a child since he acts like a child. Forgive him for his childish behavior! Understand him that he can't act like an adult and don't expect him to be like an adult, then you will have a little bit of more peace!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, it's been about 24 hours since he did this.
He just approached me and said "how are you honey?" with a hug.
I told him what he did last night bothered me and was childish and immature.
He said "sorry" and hugged and kissed me.
Didn't seem sincere but I didn't expect even that.

I am certain this is affecting me---healthwise, sanity-wise, everything--more than him.
And I need to get it under control before it wears me down anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> credamdóchasgra~
> 
> Here's where I think it gets somewhat confusing for you. It is not reasonable to "ignore it" and "treat him neutrally"--that is not "maturity" because in real life you are not okay with this. So maturity would be a W-T-F-S statement:
> 
> ...


This is fantastic advice. but you know what no one tells you how to handle? the pain from the spouse's silence after you say this. what do you do with that? that's the hard part.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Yes. The refusal to work it out. Then what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes. The refusal to work it out. Then what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well you're doing it. you bare it, accept the defeats and celebrate the small victories. some days you want to run, others everything will be ok. Little by little you build up knowledge, start to learn about yourself, what you can and cant change, what you cant control and what you can. You gain a change of heart, and the small victories slowly become bigger, the defeats smaller, until you feel there's some real hope. 

One thing i think helped me the most was getting busy. i found a passion that had nothing to do with my relationship. when i get in those moments with my H I really have to consider if its worth draining my energy on. i have other things i need my energy for.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes. The refusal to work it out. Then what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's his to own - not yours.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

At this point he's only open to conversations like these in the context of therapy.

Is that normal as a phase?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> At this point he's only open to conversations like these in the context of therapy.
> 
> Is that normal as a phase?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's about control.

When he finally reconciles with himself, you will find he's almost paralyzed by fear.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Yes. The refusal to work it out. Then what?


As I see it, you've stated the behavior that has caused an issue; you've stated what you think, how you feel, and why; AND you have made a specific request about what you need. Your partner is free to say "Yes I'll do that", "No I won't do that but I will do this" (continue negotiating here until both are enthusiastic) or "No I won't do that." Stating a request does not mean that he's forced to do what you ask--just that you have spoken your piece and asked for what you need. 

Thus if his response is silence or refusal to work it out, you can choose to ask him, "Since you will not do what I am requesting, what WOULD you be willing to do?" It's conceivable he is not used to being able to have a say, so he needs a little prompting. Then give him the freedom to say what he's willing to do. I think part of the issue here might be that you expect him to do what you ask, and your expectation is hurting you as much as what he actually did. 

Another option, the first W-T-F-S did say, "Let me know when you're ready to work this out"...maybe he's not ready yet. I know for my own self, if I get all whirled up and upset, it feels like a tornado inside and I need some time for the winds to die down before I can talk rationally. If I am pressed while there's a tornado, what I say will most likely be out of anger and not what I really mean, thus, I may need an hour or even part of a day to let that wind die down and let the hurt wear off. BUT I think the difference is that when I'm aware the other person wants to talk, I'll say: "I do want to address this and resolve it with you but not right now. Can we put it aside until tomorrow at supper time (or whatever) so I can calm down?" So part of the issue here might be that you expect him to want to resolve it when you're ready, and thus again your expectation is hurting you as much as what he did. 

Another option if you're met with silence or refusal to work it out is to see if you made a request for XYZ and their actual answer to that is NO. If you made that request just expecting them to do it, then it's not a "request" at all, but a commandment, and no one likes to be commanded. So first look to yourself and see if you said it as a request or a command, and if it was a command then see if you can work on your own self to make it a respectful request to the man who is your equal partner in life, not your child. If you are honest with yourself and it really was a request, then check to see if his answer really is: "No, I refuse to work this out with you in any way" by asking him directly (aka...not hinting, or suggesting, but saying it right out). 

If he really says right out loud that he refuses to work it out with you or keeps walking away when you try to bring up the subject (or in other ways "clamming up"), and you have checked on the "let me know when you're ready" and he has indicated he will not ever be ready--then I would say the question would have to be, "What kind of relationship do you want with me?" Clearly a marriage relationship involves intimacy and opening up to your spouse to let them see the True You (that's transparency), and that would include occasionally getting it wrong on a grand style and taking personal responsibility by apologizing (and acting in a new way!).


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Been home with my family all week for Christmas/new year's.
> Yesterday I finally felt like we cleared up the gift issue/fight from last week.
> It was a good day.
> But last night my hubs decided to throw a tantrum and storm out of the room during a fun family card game.
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Vt...I'm confused. But can't talk now. In car with him for next 5 hours.
Affaircare, thabk you too.
Will post more tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I can't decide if I should wait till therapy thurs at six pm to discuss what I need to.
Any attempts at discussions have ended badly and I'm gunshy.
I feel I need the presence of the therapist foe support but hurts to wait
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It seems as though you're afraid to confront him. What are you afraid of? That he's going to get mad? I will never understand the fear of someone else's anger (unless they're about to punch your lights out or something). 
If you want to talk to him, talk to him. Set up some boundaries and some expectations. He really needs to just grow the hell up.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

@mm, it's not so much fear of his anger thar makes me want to wait for therapy.
I don't think the conversaton will be successful or effective without the T there.
To be honest, I'm so put off by his misbehavior of the past week, I don't want to look at him let alone "have a dialogue" at the moment.
I'm feeling cool and in control of myself right now, and I'm choosing to keep it that way.
--> that excludes a serious problem-solving conversation with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Also--he knows I would like to talk.
After what happened the last time he asked me what was on my mind (two mornings ago), I'm not chasing him down to "talk."
His approach to communication itself is one of the things that must be discussed WITH the therapist.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Vt...I'm confused. But can't talk now. In car with him for next 5 hours.
> Affaircare, thabk you too.
> Will post more tonight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will keep my eyes open for you.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

pandakiss, no i'm not still upset about his tantrum itself.

it's the way he acted AFTERWARDS that bothers me right now.

First of all, he refused to talk about it at all, or own it.

and then later, here's something that DOES NOT WORK FOR ME:

Asking me what's on my mind, then when i open up about it, if he doesn't like the answer, shutting me out and being very cold and mean.
-->And then going on and acting like nothing happened, and expecting me to be ok with that.

THAT'S what we need to discuss Thursday AT THERAPY.

He KNOWS I'm currently "not ok with" something, and that I need to talk. I said it in so many words.

But if I approach him and "push," and request another conversation and give him the power to shut me out again, our pattern does not change.
-->That also does not work for me.

The way the holidays went basically put some real distance between us.

Honestly, my friends...because I know we have therapy as the safe place for me to make some things clear...for now, my coolness and silence speaks way louder to him. And more important, it is BETTER FOR ME right now.

vt....this is the "smartest" way for me to deal with this right now.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

No need to apologize for your response.
I'm sick of this cycle and i'm changing as much of it as is in my power.
Without relying on him.
For the first time, I feel a stronger urge to turn away from him than run into his arms and SOLVE.
I hope that's a signal that our pattern is changing.
I'm tired of being needy and whiney and setting myself up to be hurt by him.
For the time being, I am my priority.
I hope and pray that we can work our issues out, I'm through sacrificing myself for the sake of those efforts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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