# When a spouse lies



## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for all of 7 months now. We have a little girl on the way, and both have kids from a previous marriage. When we decided to get married, she was still in LA doing modeling, and she dropped everything and sold/gave away her stuff to come to Idaho to be with me and start a family. We talked a lot about family ideals, exclusivity in our relationship, etc., and honesty. We agreed that we would cut ties with any ex's (her idea, and I was already thinking it) About a month into our marriage I began to discover that her representation of her prior 16 months' lifestyle had been a very different picture from what she had painted for me. The problem isn't that she had done certain things, so much that she lied, lied, lied to me about it. Her statement was that she had been with only 3 men since her divorce, so keep that in mind. Starting from the point of being a very modest model, to what I had discovered she had actually done, here is a timeline (dates very much estimated):

Mar 10 - Married.

Mar 15 - She told me she turned down a makeup artist job because it turned out to be a porn studio.

Mar 20 - She told me that she wanted me to know she did, and regretted doing, a topless sex scene for a short film.

Mar 21 - Her friend, Jeff Pink, congratulated us on our marriage.

Mar 25 - I discovered topless shots she had done (previously she had stated she would never do anything like that)

Apr 15 - I discovered text messages between her and 2 other guys that she was in illicit relationships with, we talked, and it was fine.

Apr 25 - I discovered an email responding to a craigslist ad that she had posted. The man emailing was offering $2000 for the first sexual encounter, and $400 each time thereafter. She declined, saying it wasn't enough. I then asked if she had ever taken money for sex. She said no, and I told her that if I found she had lied, that we would be done because I couldn't trust her. She lied, and when I said okay, she said "wait, it happened once." She told me a little about it, and that was that. She also told me about several other men she had slept with that I didn't know about. Difficult to accept, but that was okay. Even though it was her friend, Jeff Pink, the owner of a multi million dollar enterprise, the creator of the French Manicure.

---insert pause: this is NOT about the history, it's about the lies.

Apr 28 - She told me she had an emotional affair during her last marriage.

May - Among a large variety of topless, and close to nude shots, I discovered a topless shot she did with another person I knew who was a model. She had previously said she had never done modeling shoots with any male models.

May 18 - We found out we were pregnant. 

June - We moved to a new house, clean slate, lies out of the way.

July 10 - I asked the girls to clean the car for some dollar store money, and they came and asked what this thing was -- an 8gb flash drive that was in my wife's car. ****** said it was hers and put it on our dresser. I noticed it was gone 2 hours later. I found it in the trash, and it had several hundred nude photos of her, and a paid, signed contract on it.

July 23 - I was going through our bank records, and was curious about a $1400 check that was deposited. Called on it, and to my surprise, it was from "InfoStream Group". Look them up, interesting stuff. There were several other transactions from them. I traced that back to SeekingArrangement and found that she had an account there. When I asked her about it, she lied, and lied... And finally, the truth... She never modeled for a living, she was paid for sex. Over $28,000 that I could track, and she had already made the mistake of telling me that most of the transactions were cash that hadn't been deposited. I found out that she slept with the last one two weeks before she came back from LA, and on my birthday. (lol?)

August 5 - Another flash drive surfaces with hundreds of nude photos on it.

August 10 - I got that feeling that she was witholding something from me, and I told her -- "If there are more lies, you are stealing from me; from us. You don't have to tell me anything I don't know about, but you do have to correct the lies. I'm going to forgive you either way, so don't take that away from me by not making it worth it." She was a suicide girl, knew the porn gig was a porn gig, she added more guys to the list that she had lied about... And the emotional affair; not just an emotional affair. She cheated on her last husband, and it turns out she has cheated in every significant relationship she's had. Here's a kicker: The last payment she received, paid for our wedding.

September - I found her old craigslist ads as I was going to repost one of mine with her account. Looking for nude gigs, looking into shooting porn, and an ad in w4w section "looking for a pretty little thing to have some fun. Leave your inhibitions at the door and lets party! ($10000)" Apparently an orgy. She says she didn't do it. I don't believe her. There was a deposit that weekend for over a thousand dollars.

My wife has been with over 30 men that I know of in the last year, and the only question I have is -- is it strange that I have a hard time trusting her? How do I learn to trust her again? Never mind the fact that I won't be the oldest person she has slept with until I'm 70, the fact that I made it clear that I wouldn't have chosen to be with this kind of person, and the fact that I'm certain she still hides behind lies when she knows I'll forgive her. Lies only brings into the present, what ought to stay in the past.

So it is clear, I have no reason to believe that she would leave me. She has never threatened to, she does great with the kids, and my family loves her. She is a bit ... entitled in her demeanor, but that I can deal with. I'm not interested in suggestions to divorce her, I won't even entertain the thought.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If this is a true story, I'd insist on a paternity test and drop her so fast her head would spin. She's only giving you answers when you discover her lies. I'm sure there's even more to her history. Have you discovered her in porn yet? It's not all in the past.

Of course she won't leave you. You are stability and respectability for her. Meanwhile she'll earn a little money on the side because, as you said, she has a sense of entitlement so any time she wants something you can't or won't provide, there will be another ad on Craigslist or maybe she'll go to live porn while you're at work.

What some men will do for a pretty piece of A.


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## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

As far as her cheating, I know that she hasn't had the opportunity. I guess I am afraid of what will happen when she has the opportunity. She seems to be in a very different mindset than in her previous lifestyle. She is now taking the stay at home mom role (her choice), and I work from home. She doesn't have a phone anymore, and she doesn't have any lines of communication that I don't know about. I'm an IT administrator with an emphasis in security, and our home network is monitored and quite robust, as I use it for work. I have access to all of her communications, and that was by her initiative. When she is with friends, they come out here, or we will go over there. She doesn't seem to have a problem with this, doesn't go out by herself, has never asked. I know she's never functioned this way in a relationship. So the question is, is this a phase, or is she really working on herself? Maybe I really do know everything, but I've assumed that I don't because I am afraid of being hurt by discovering yet another thing that she has been dishonest about.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

thinkbox said:


> As far as her cheating, I know that she hasn't had the opportunity. I guess I am afraid of what will happen when she has the opportunity. She seems to be in a very different mindset than in her previous lifestyle. She is now taking the stay at home mom role (her choice), and I work from home. She doesn't have a phone anymore, and she doesn't have any lines of communication that I don't know about. I'm an IT administrator with an emphasis in security, and our home network is monitored and quite robust, as I use it for work. I have access to all of her communications, and that was by her initiative. When she is with friends, they come out here, or we will go over there. She doesn't seem to have a problem with this, doesn't go out by herself, has never asked. I know she's never functioned this way in a relationship. So the question is, is this a phase, or is she really working on herself? Maybe I really do know everything, but I've assumed that I don't because I am afraid of being hurt by discovering yet another thing that she has been dishonest about.


One of the more serious cases here. You can catch aids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucky me (Aug 6, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If this is a true story, I'd insist on a paternity test and drop her so fast her head would spin. She's only giving you answers when you discover her lies. I'm sure there's even more to her history. Have you discovered her in porn yet? It's not all in the past.
> 
> Of course she won't leave you. You are stability and respectability for her. Meanwhile she'll earn a little money on the side because, as you said, she has a sense of entitlement so any time she wants something you can't or won't provide, there will be another ad on Craigslist or maybe she'll go to live porn while you're at work.
> 
> What some men will do for a pretty piece of A.


I would leave her :iagree:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

"I'm not interested in suggestions to divorce her, I won't even entertain the thought. "

You also mention a few times "I told her that if I found she had lied, that we would be done because I couldn't trust her."

Yet... she lied, continues to lie and will lie in the future. Why? Because the worst thing you are going to do is be mad at her for a while. Taking divorce off the table just means you will never teach her that there are consequences to not being honest to you.


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## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

I know that it may seem naive to be willing to forgive such things. She has been tested, and is clean. Again, maybe she's not lying anymore. She does continue to answer questions if I ask, and she is not defensive. So the question remains, how do I get over the stigma that she has created about herself? Any suggestions on dealing with such things?

I don't entertain the suggestion of divorce, because it isn't my job to teach her a lesson, or hold her responsible, so much as it is her job to be trustworthy, and all I can do is encourage her in that. But if she sees that I'm having a difficult time forgiving her, perhaps that will prevent her from moving forward. Maybe I'm the problem now.

I also don't take the 'She might hurt me, so I am going to leave before she gets the chance' sort of stance on things. She may hurt me, she may lie more, and she may leave me in the dust. If she does, I have nothing to be ashamed of. If she doesn't, I have some work to do on myself. So, how do I forgive? How do I trust? I know it's possible, and I owe it to my family regardless of her actions; I'm just a bit lost.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

This woman has repeatedly lied to you. Where there is no trust in the end there will be no love. I do not see a good way for this to resolve itself. You need to be tested for STD and I agree paternity test. NOW.

The longer you wait the worse it will be for the children you already have in the house. I am a very forgiving person, but that requires trust. This woman can not be trusted.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

thinkbox said:


> I don't entertain the suggestion of divorce, because it isn't my job to teach her a lesson, or hold her responsible, so much as it is her job to be trustworthy, and all I can do is encourage her in that. But if she sees that I'm having a difficult time forgiving her, perhaps that will prevent her from moving forward. Maybe I'm the problem now.


There is no reason for you to ask the questions you have asked. You are still in shock and unable to come to grips with reality. "my job to teach her a lesson" what about how this will effect the children you already have, Hmm?

I see this ending up very ugly for you, her and worse of all the kids. No matter how hard you do your job. Good luck.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Why would you want to force yourself to learn to forgive someone who misrepresented herself and lied to you, not once but repeatedly?

To me this sounds like you have no self respect so in essence, yes, you are the problem now. And you owe it to your family? Since when do we owe our family a spouse who has lied and betrayed us? (And the lie is a betrayal; I'm not saying she has cheated.)

If you really want to try to save this, I suggest you insist you both go to a marriage counselor and that she put EVERYTHING on the table and if you EVER find out anything else she lies about it's over. That's the only way you are going to get the full truth. I'd also suggest a post-nup.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

thinkbox said:


> maybe she's not lying anymore


Was there ever a more telling statement than that?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your whole relationship with her has been a lie. I'm going on the assumption that she's quite a bit younger than you. You said your 70 and I honestly think you married her for some young chick to be hanging on your arm as you walk down the street. You married a hooker friend and now you have a kid with her.

The problem is you have your head in the sand and worried about the next lie. Try dealing with all the ones she's handed you up until now. There's an old saying that if it's too good to be true it's because it isn't true. Should have thought this one out a little better.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I believe in second chances, but geez buddy what number are you on here? Even if she's done lying how to you deal with the truth so far, and how do you not resent her and trust her?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

thinkbox said:


> I know that it may seem naive to be willing to forgive such things. She has been tested, and is clean. Again, maybe she's not lying anymore. She does continue to answer questions if I ask, and she is not defensive. So the question remains, how do I get over the stigma that she has created about herself? Any suggestions on dealing with such things?
> 
> I don't entertain the suggestion of divorce, because it isn't my job to teach her a lesson, or hold her responsible, so much as it is her job to be trustworthy, and all I can do is encourage her in that. But if she sees that I'm having a difficult time forgiving her, perhaps that will prevent her from moving forward. Maybe I'm the problem now.
> 
> I also don't take the 'She might hurt me, so I am going to leave before she gets the chance' sort of stance on things. She may hurt me, she may lie more, and she may leave me in the dust. If she does, I have nothing to be ashamed of. If she doesn't, I have some work to do on myself. So, how do I forgive? How do I trust? I know it's possible, and I owe it to my family regardless of her actions; I'm just a bit lost.


You should hold her responsible, it's a marraige and her actions have hurt you.


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## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

6301 said:


> Your whole relationship with her has been a lie. I'm going on the assumption that she's quite a bit younger than you. You said your 70 and I honestly think you married her for some young chick to be hanging on your arm as you walk down the street. You married a hooker friend and now you have a kid with her.
> 
> The problem is you have your head in the sand and worried about the next lie. Try dealing with all the ones she's handed you up until now. There's an old saying that if it's too good to be true it's because it isn't true. Should have thought this one out a little better.


Lol, I never said I'm 70, I said I won't be the oldest person she's been with until I'm 70. I am 29 and she is 24. The thing that strikes me about all of the comments is that there are a lot of people stating that there is no hope, and really nobody addressing my question. I don't care if I married a hooker, a prostitute, a ****, etc. as long as she is changing her lifestyle, which from all appearances, she is doing. What I care about is genuine security. And let me stop the next cynic there. Maybe I don't and won't have it. Again. How do I deal with ME, and MY mind and thoughts, and HOW DO I FORGIVE HER.... Does anybody have input on that, or am I really on my own here, just because I'm willing to give her another chance?


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## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

Thunder7 said:


> Was there ever a more telling statement than that?


If she is, in fact, not lying, and I get the opportunity to act on it and love her the way I should, then ... there will be.


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## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Why would you want to force yourself to learn to forgive someone who misrepresented herself and lied to you, not once but repeatedly?
> 
> To me this sounds like you have no self respect so in essence, yes, you are the problem now. And you owe it to your family? Since when do we owe our family a spouse who has lied and betrayed us? (And the lie is a betrayal; I'm not saying she has cheated.)
> 
> If you really want to try to save this, I suggest you insist you both go to a marriage counselor and that she put EVERYTHING on the table and if you EVER find out anything else she lies about it's over. That's the only way you are going to get the full truth. I'd also suggest a post-nup.


The beauty of forgiveness is that it is never deserved. If it is deserved, then it isn't forgiveness. If your argument is that I must "force" myself to forgive her, then your statement is that it cannot be done genuinely. However, I know that it can be done. The question is, how do I deal with the fallout? Pre-nup, and post-nup make this statement: "I'm ready to fail." But you know what, I'm not ready to fail. I was just hoping for a bit of encouraging advice to help in my success.

The thing that really strikes me about these forums is that the only people that come here, for the most part, are the ones who are disinterested enough in their own relationships, that they invest their energy into the relationships of others. I'd like to hear from somebody who has invested so much in their own relationship that they strive to share the experience with others.


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## thinkbox (Oct 29, 2013)

mablenc said:


> I believe in second chances, but geez buddy what number are you on here? Even if she's done lying how to you deal with the truth so far, and how do you not resent her and trust her?


This has been the most open minded and genuine response I've had yet. And, I don't know, but I love her, and I believe that she loves me. It is taking time to figure these things out, and I am only hoping for a bit of wisdom in fixing the relationship. Outside of that, the "leave her" and "better off" kind of advice is only a distraction, and one that I don't care to indulge in.

Soon, I am going to share this thread with her, as I don't keep things from her. I hope that she will see that I truly love her in a way that most people would and could not. It's not because she is pretty, it is because she is a beautiful person, despite all of the poor decisions. She doesn't deserve a second chance. But I deserve the opportunity to give her a second, third, fourth, ..... chance. I don't appreciate people telling me that, in essence, I'm outside of some moral boundary by doing so.

Thank you, my friend.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Trust has to be earned. She hasn't earned it yet. If you are insistent on staying with this woman, then you will just have to deal with the consequences of that. You will have to deal with your anger, mistrust and mind movies. You have made that choice so live with it. She will have to show you, over a long period of time, that she deserves your forgiveness and trust. 

You say she has changed, and maybe she has, but it's going to take time for her to prove it.

24 and already on her second marriage/kid? Good luck.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

thinkbox said:


> This has been the most open minded and genuine response I've had yet. And, I don't know, but I love her, and I believe that she loves me. It is taking time to figure these things out, and I am only hoping for a bit of wisdom in fixing the relationship. Outside of that, the "leave her" and "better off" kind of advice is only a distraction, and one that I don't care to indulge in.
> 
> Soon, I am going to share this thread with her, as I don't keep things from her. I hope that she will see that I truly love her in a way that most people would and could not. It's not because she is pretty, it is because she is a beautiful person, despite all of the poor decisions. She doesn't deserve a second chance. But I deserve the opportunity to give her a second, third, fourth, ..... chance. I don't appreciate people telling me that, in essence, I'm outside of some moral boundary by doing so.
> 
> Thank you, my friend.


You can be her prince charming if you want. No one here has the right to tell you anything. Only comment on what they think based on what you write.
Issue we have is we have helped many others and the high majority of all involve 1/100th of the issues your wife has. to think she has shut off the porn life and now is fine with whatever you give her is nonsensical and therefore we cannot say do this or do that. 
If you told us you where going to give money to a thief, one that has stolen from all they knew, one that stole from all the people they loved, we would tell you to not give your money to this person.
You want to love the unlovable, you want to give your trust to the untrustworthy, and you tell us to stop as it is not what you want to hear.
You want to not have mind movies and trust, then i am sorry to tell you but not marrying a porn addict and compulsive liar would be a good start.
I simply do not bye what you are trying to sell us as far as her being a born again mother and wife. Race car drivers do switch to riding bicycles.

I have no issue with a person who did porn for a living stating that, and owning it, and deciding to move on and start a new phase of their life. 
That is not what your wife did. She paid for the weeding by spreading her legs... I mean... really...?
I honestly think it is sad you are willing to try to be a good husband to her. It says more about you then, the relationship.
You think you are on moral high ground with all these chances you claim you will give her. You are weak and desperate and that is how this thread reads.

I do wish you luck, I give you a 0% chance with her though.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> You can be her prince charming if you want. No one here has the right to tell you anything. Only comment on what they think based on what you write.
> Issue we have is we have helped many others and the high majority of all involve 1/100th of the issues your wife has. to think she has shut off the porn life and now is fine with whatever you give her is nonsensical and therefore we cannot say do this or do that.
> If you told us you where going to give money to a thief, one that has stolen from all they knew, one that stole from all the people they loved, we would tell you to not give your money to this person.
> You want to love the unlovable, you want to give your trust to the untrustworthy, and you tell us to stop as it is not what you want to hear.
> ...


It's a situation a pimp or player would not mind. They'd figure as long as they get money and sex out of the deal then its perfect. The poster sounds like a good dude whose not a pimp or player who is greatly underestimating the erosion on his confidence and his life this situation will provide him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

thinkbox said:


> The beauty of forgiveness is that it is never deserved. If it is deserved, then it isn't forgiveness. If your argument is that I must "force" myself to forgive her, then your statement is that it cannot be done genuinely. However, I know that it can be done. The question is, how do I deal with the fallout? Pre-nup, and post-nup make this statement: "I'm ready to fail." But you know what, I'm not ready to fail. I was just hoping for a bit of encouraging advice to help in my success.
> 
> The thing that really strikes me about these forums is that the only people that come here, for the most part, are the ones who are disinterested enough in their own relationships, that they invest their energy into the relationships of others. I'd like to hear from somebody who has invested so much in their own relationship that they strive to share the experience with others.


I have learned a LOT from my own relationships and I think most posters who have read my replies would see I'm pretty level headed, open, fair AND realistic. Although there are plenty of bright, mature 29y/o I feel fairly confident that I have gained quite a lot of understanding about human nature in the 16 additional years I've been on the planet. Oh to be able to fast forward 5-10 years to see if our predictions are accurate.

She has lost your trust. Trust is a most important building block in any relationship. How do you get it back so that you can move forward? My suggestion was marriage counseling. I also think for her to be completely honest with you so that you can both put the lies behind you, is for her to have something to lose. A post-nup can include custody of the daughter. 

I stand by my recommendation. She is a habitual liar - I'm not saying she can't change. There are many people who have hit rock bottom, don't like what they see and vow to become someone they are proud of. I'm not discounting that this MAY be what she experienced.  But I think she has held back a lot of the truth because she thinks you will leave her and whether it's love, respectability or security, she probably doesn't want to lose it. 

To gain trust, you must have the truth and ALL of it. You don't want another lie to surface every 3 months. I think a post-nup would show her you are serious about this issue and MC would show you are serious about staying no matter what she tells you but it ALL must come out. No surprises.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

thinkbox said:


> The thing that strikes me about all of the comments is that there are a lot of people stating that there is no hope, and really nobody addressing my question.


Sir I am all for forgiveness, I forgave my wife. But I did not trust her for years and it does take time. You seem to want to believe her so no matter what people tell you it goes in one ear and out the other.

The problem is not that she is a hooker or what ever, she is a LIAR. She must earn back your trust. You are on that river in Egypt, Da Nile.

The people here are telling you this based on a lot of extensive experience with this type of behavior. They may not know you or her but these things are pretty basic. I am sorry for you I wish we could help you. But you do not want to hear anything but what you think you should hear. It does not work as you think.

Your wife is a pathological liar, you have caught her many times. She will keep being a liar. In the next 30-90 days I bet you catch her in another lie. But till you come to grips with the problem you will not solve your problem.

Trust takes years to earn back, if you really understood you would know that distrust won't fade till you are close to 40. But I am wasting a old man's time, mine. You are still in the fog.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

thinkbox said:


> Lol, I never said I'm 70, I said I won't be the oldest person she's been with until I'm 70. I am 29 and she is 24. QUOTE]
> 
> Sorry 'bout that being 70 thing. My bad. Hey, look, if you found out all this stuff about her and in your heart you think she turning over a new leaf, then maybe the best way is to talk it out with her and bring it all out on the table from soup to nuts. Don't leave anything out and rather than point fingers and interrogate her, ask and most important, listen to her answers. You know her better than we do and if you really feel that she's being up front and honest with you then maybe you'll have some clarity and things can move on. You already have a kid with her.
> 
> The thing is she should have been honest in the first place so you could have had a choice but it's up to you if you can find it in your heart to forgive and trust her. Good luck.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

thinkbox said:


> Soon, I am going to share this thread with her, as I don't keep things from her. I hope that she will see that I truly love her in a way that most people would and could not. It's not because she is pretty, it is because she is a beautiful person, despite all of the poor decisions. She doesn't deserve a second chance. But I deserve the opportunity to give her a second, third, fourth, ..... chance. I don't appreciate people telling me that, in essence, I'm outside of some moral boundary by doing so.
> 
> Thank you, my friend.


May I suggest that both of you get a good family/ marriage / individual counsellor?

I understand what you are trying to do, but I suspect she might need professional help to reconcile certain things in her past and you might need advice on how to handle potentially damaging situations when they surface in the marriage in the future.


Best Wishes.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Trust in this case has to be earned back, this is done with time and open communication. 

Try reading this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Take your documentation and concerns to an attorney and make sure your interests are covered in the event she should ever cheat on you. This includes custody of your child, and any child support you might be entitled to. Also to make sure that if she "earned" any money she didn't pay taxes on that you will be covered from liability. It's important to document what you know about from the past and what you are aware of (including awareness of what she is not doing) at present, or if she is ever to get busted you will go down with her and then where will the kids be at that point? Additionally, you might want to be aware of and discuss any issues she might have in future with blackmail and exposure. There seems to be no limit to what people do for money, not just your wife but her former 'employers' included.

After all that, just enjoy the domestic life you've created for yourself, for as long as it lasts. There are no guarantees in life. Stay with the present day as much as possible and let the current situation and your comfort with it be your guide. You don't have to decide anything but to be undecided. This includes not having to tell her you forgive her or not.


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