# Friends who joke about sexual things



## tjlee (May 19, 2011)

My wife has a friend, we have now both become acquainted with so I consider him my friend if that's possible, who will throw out sexual comments when he messages her on FB. These are just things that friends say to each other when joking around, yes, but the thing that pisses me off is that he only says them to her in private messages. Never in front of me or in front of his wife. And it has happened 5 times. The first time it happened we both approached him about it. He made some **** up about "don't worry, everything i type on my phone goes straight to my wife's email so she sees everything". I told him I didn't like it and to be more respectful. Still happened 4 times after that.

Of course I joke around about things like that with my guy friends, but I never do with females, and especially privately. Joking or not (and I am no prude believe me), it just doesn't feel right saying something like that to another woman.

Is it too much to ask my wife to agree that we will both not have friends of the opposite sex who are willing to compromise the friendship like that?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's not too much to ask.

He's being disrespectful of your relationship.

Your wife should block his communication from whatever avenue he is using to pursue her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Set a hard boundary. It's clear he didn't take you guys seriously.

Yes, if you're uncomfy with him, you guys can axe him from your list of friends.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

What has your wife said when you talked with her about these messages he sends her? Does it not bother her, and does she pass them off as no big deal as well? Does she respond to the comments? 
Obviously he doesn't know what boundaries are, and your wife might need to know what hers are as well. I wouldn't take his word for it that the messages he sends goes to his wifes email. You might want to inform her, and see what she has to say.


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## tjlee (May 19, 2011)

trey69 said:


> What has your wife said when you talked with her about these messages he sends her? Does it not bother her, and does she pass them off as no big deal as well? Does she respond to the comments?
> Obviously he doesn't know what boundaries are, and your wife might need to know what hers are as well. I wouldn't take his word for it that the messages he sends goes to his wifes email. You might want to inform her, and see what she has to say.


She gets mad and thinks i'm unreasonable. She isn't offended by it. i don't get that...everyone is different i guess.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

tjlee said:


> She gets mad and thinks i'm unreasonable. She isn't offended by it. i don't get that...everyone is different i guess.


Wrong. She enjoys being chased sexually.
You are right to stop it. Easiest way is to tell her she cannot be friends with this Male any more.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I am NOT defending him, but I would like to say this: I have friends who tease me about sex, especially now that I am single. I wouldn't want them to post that publicly on my facebook. I am friends with my mother, with a couple of uncles and several cousins. I don't want them seeing that kind of stuff and misinterpreting it. So....maybe he is simply trying to ensure that he doesn't embarrass her. 

With that said, while I don't know that a blanket "no opposite sex friends" rule is the solution to this, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her not to be friends with him any longer, or to at least set some very clear boundaries and then enforce them.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You pretty much have to just tell her that this is non-negotiable for you. When the guy says that these kind of comments go straight to his wife, he's implicitly admitting that others may see these actions as wrong. Remember, he didn't reply by saying, "I'm sorry, it will not happen again," or by saying that it was just harmless banter. He validated it.

If your wife is unable to respect your boundaries, you could even have to tell her that it will become a trust issue. She's making a choice either for your relationship, or him.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

tjlee said:


> She gets mad and thinks i'm unreasonable. She isn't offended by it. i don't get that...everyone is different i guess.


Ask her how would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Although you might not get a straight answer, if shes in a sexual fog because she is enjoying the attention. I still say inform his wife, I bet she doesn't know, regardless of what he says.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband and our friends are very open about sex, a little joking, the whole bit. It is just the way we are, no subject is really off the table, we think nothing of debating the death penalty to religion to sex, that is why I love these people as my friends. (Our very close friends that is) as many people would find us "strange". But my husband is ALWAYS present, and I am always present. So no harm, no hiding. 

None of our guy friends would email me exclusively making sexual conversation as if hinting to something sinister, trying to hide something from my husband. They respect him too much, and would just "know better". 

Neither would any of my girlfriends do that either. 

Because I am like this, I would likely not be as offended as some others on this forum over these things. 

The bottom line is --- Where is HIS heart ? where is HER heart ? 

If someone in the marraige is feeling uncomforable, it NEEDS to be talked about and some changes made. Some boundaries set.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

It sounds like you set a clear boundary when you first confronted him about it. Friends who don't respect boundaries aren't the best friends to have in my opinion.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The fact that its being done in private messages and not out in the open or around each others spouses speaks volumes though.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

greeneyeddolphin said:


> I am NOT defending him, but I would like to say this: I have friends who tease me about sex, especially now that I am single. I wouldn't want them to post that publicly on my facebook. I am friends with my mother, with a couple of uncles and several cousins. I don't want them seeing that kind of stuff and misinterpreting it. So....maybe he is simply trying to ensure that he doesn't embarrass her.
> 
> With that said, while I don't know that a blanket "no opposite sex friends" rule is the solution to this, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her not to be friends with him any longer, or to at least set some very clear boundaries and then enforce them.


I get this, I definitely have a different level of conversation with different groups of friends. We had mutual friends that we had a nasty dirty sense of humor with and there weren't really secret communications going on. One thing about this couple I used to think was weird is they shared their FB account... now I think it is genius, it gets confusing sometimes knowing which of them is messaging me, but I know that what one sees the other sees and I think all married couples would be doing themselves a service if they shared their FB's.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The fact that your wife shares it with you, and doesn't hide it from you speaks volumes. 

I've had friends like this, even an old email friend I've never met... they make somewhat lewd comments, we trade dirty jokes... my h and I chuckle and let it go. Some people are more open to sexy talk than others. 

If your wife isn't offended, and it doesn't seem like she is actually interested in any way.... then let it go. His wife must know he talks this way...you could joke about it in front of her to find out for sure. That might ease your mind.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As guys, all of us know that some of these types are harmless. We also know that some are very deliberate about it. If they work with our wife, it might just lead to a harmless neck rub. Always looking for a way in.

With close friends, its different. You tend to learn which ones are harmless, and which aren't. Hey, I have big shoulders, so my wife's friends like to grab ahold just to see if they are real, or to tell their husbands that this is what they want for Christmas (on him). This situation is different. The guy was informed, but continued anyway.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*How does your wife feel about it? Does she agree with you or does she defend him?

If she's in agreement with you then you're all set but if she's defending him, it may be something to look into. I'm not saying that anything is going on between the two of them, I'm just saying that she might be feeling like she has to lose a close friend. 

I've been in a similar situation before where my fiance was uncomfortable with me going out to dinner and catching up with my best friend who happens to be a guy. I reacted strongly to my fiance's request to not do that anymore not because I had any feelings towards my best friend at all (I'm just not attracted to him at all in that way) but because I felt like I had to give up a best friend. I don't have many friends and of the ones I do, they are mostly guys because I just feel more comfortable with them. I have a guy's mentality at times and think being childish, immature, farting, burping, swearing, making fun of friends, talking about sex openly, etc. is fun for me and I enjoy doing it. It doesn't mean that I feel anything towards the guys I joke around with and I can see where my fiance's coming from in that it can be thought of as inappropriate but I know for me, it's just my way of bonding with guys and being friends with them. I just get along better with them and enjoy hanging out with them more than girls. 

To not keep rambling, basically, find out where your wife stands on all this. She may feel she has to give up a part of her life she doesn't want to (friends) and may be feeling some separation anxiety, life changes, and transitional moods. See where she's at and then go from there. Although the comments might be inappropriate, they might be very benign and harmless when realy it's more of an issue of friendship and that want and need for social interaction with her friends who just happen to be guys.:smthumbup:*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have many male friends and would be uncomfortable if they messaged me something sexual (since I'm married). I would also be offended if my husband was getting sexual messages from friends even if it didn't bother him. It's just crappy behaviour of those people.

This friend you have doesn't seem to really be a friend if you are saying to stop and he continues to do so. Friends respect boundaries and he clearly doesn't respect yours.


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## Sunnydays (Jul 26, 2011)

I would feel the same way as you do tjlee. I would be pretty darn upset if something like that was happening.

In my marriage we built up on not having opposite sex friends. But it all depends. To some people this idea could be stupid or just crazy. But for my relationship it was pretty simple and easy since we both didn't really have any close opposite sex friends. So we decided to agree on not making any new friends of opposite sex also.

Everyone is different but if I was talking to a guy making sexual jokes, that would only happen to me because there something lacking in the relationship. Maybe she is missing the flirting and sexual jokes from you. And that's why she doesn't want to stop with her friend. To be honest when a guy jokes like that it never makes you feel bad. It makes you feel attractive and sexy. That's just my opinion.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

That's a way of flirting you know...

Have you ever read any of those 'seduction guides?' They all recommend making jokes about sex and sexual things.


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## Lea2407 (Jul 14, 2011)

I definitely feel like your wife should respect your wishes if you're uncomfortable. 

However, I do have to ask. Are the jokes just sexual in nature or are they implying that he wants to have sex with your wife? To me there is a very big difference. 

My husband has an impressive gift  where he can turn almost anything anyone says into something sexual. In fact, I've been with him for so long that I have the same problem. I just know when to keep it in my head instead of saying it out loud.

So, to me there is a very big difference between a random comment or a joke about sex than a sexual comment that clearly shows he's interested in your wife. That's just my opinion, though. I can see where other people would be offended.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> It's not too much to ask.
> 
> He's being disrespectful of your relationship.
> 
> Your wife should block his communication from whatever avenue he is using to pursue her.


She should unfriend him on FB. Then she she not be around him or have anything to do with him. He has lied and is not trustworthy. He is not respectful. You should not trust him to be around your wife. She should respect that and cut off contact.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> The fact that your wife shares it with you, and doesn't hide it from you speaks volumes.
> 
> I've had friends like this, even an old email friend I've never met... they make somewhat lewd comments, we trade dirty jokes... my h and I chuckle and let it go. Some people are more open to sexy talk than others.
> 
> If your wife isn't offended, and it doesn't seem like she is actually interested in any way.... then let it go. His wife must know he talks this way...you could joke about it in front of her to find out for sure. That might ease your mind.


The problem is not that she is offended. The husband is and should be. He has already told the guy to stop. To then do nothing allows this guy be the Alpha male and is therefore more dominant with him over his wife at least with this issue. I wonder what other boundaries he will try. The thing is in his own way he is hitting on this guys wife. Now that he has been challenged the husband will be seen a a weak male. This is a symptom of a bigger issue with this guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> That's a way of flirting you know...
> 
> Have you ever read any of those 'seduction guides?' They all recommend making jokes about sex and sexual things.


Yes. It is about breaking down barriers.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Since she has no problem with him sending messages and seems to get ticked off if you mention it, says to me she must enjoy the attention, which is a problem in itself, because its coming from another man. 

I have a feeling if it were you receiving messages from another woman, and your wife asked you about it and you acted like she did, I bet it wouldn't fly with her. 

I agree with someone else who mentioned you need to say something to the guys wife and see what she has to say. I know you said he told you his wife knows, and she may or may not, but I still say let her know and see what she says, IMO its possible she doesn't.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Alpha male up on his @ss in person... face to face. You in a bad place son. Don't back down, make it clear... crystal clear. Give him a boundry he won't forget. DO IT ! Don't listen to any of that crap about if she doesn't have problem with it blah blah.
You're the husband ... man up !!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kelevra said:


> Alpha male up on his @ss in person... face to face. You in a bad place son. Don't back down, make it clear... crystal clear. Give him a boundry he won't forget. DO IT ! Don't listen to any of that crap about if she doesn't have problem with it blah blah.
> You're the husband ... man up !!


:iagree:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would smack him actually... I had a problem years ago with my mates who were "joking" about the missus and I and even our daughter. Very bad jokes, racist jokes. I asked for apologies, didn't get 'em, so I forced it out of all of them one by one.

Since then, have finally learnt the missus' lesson; gotta be choosy with mates. I'm lucky she's quite wise in this regard socially (and unluckily, because she can pull the strings of a hundred people like a rabblerouser - caused me some grief in the past)

Trust me in this, saying "I'm only joking mate, lighten up" is a typical excuse of many. And especially since this 'friend' of yours is private messaging your wife and doesn't even say those things face to face is a tad suspicious as well.


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## tjlee (May 19, 2011)

***INTERESTING UPDATE***

So my wife an my conversations have been like this:

Me: "Hunny, this guy is flirting with you."

Her: "No he's not he's just really friendly."

Me: "No, I have a bad feeling about this guy and I think he's flirting with you."

etc, etc, etc.

So my wife and this guy's wife finally had a casual chat online and she broke down and told my wife everything about this her husband.

He has been doing this their whole marriage of nearly 20 years. He flirts with the pretty girls, says horrible things about his wife to them even to the point of saying he is only in a casual relationship with his wife, texts them 100+ times a day starting with "good morning" and ending with "good night". He apparently has even gone as far as getting girls' phone numbers he meets on the side of the road. His poor wife is about ready to leave him with the way she gets treated. He is a true piece of work and total piece of $shiit. I can't believe anyone actual is like this. I was blown away.

Wow. I tell ya, to this day my intuitions and feelings have not been wrong. Turns out I am a pretty good judge of character, and whether it's a gift from God or a curse, I have been right every time.

I am glad it came out and my wife finally got a reality check. She has agreed to never contact or respond to this guy again.

And I am going to take kelevra's advice below 



kelevra said:


> Alpha male up on his @ss in person... face to face. You in a bad place son. Don't back down, make it clear... crystal clear. Give him a boundry he won't forget. DO IT ! Don't listen to any of that crap about if she doesn't have problem with it blah blah.
> You're the husband ... man up !!


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