# Curious situation with my wife



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

During the week leading up to my wife's period, it's a crapshoot on whether she'll feel any attraction or not, but we still have sex during this week prior. That means 1 to 3 times sex will be "all about me" or "just for me". It's far from corpse sex but also not up to our usual standards. Anyways, last night is the last day before she starts. She jumped on me to get things started, and as we're making out she keeps swatting my hand from here, then there and then practically everywhere. Soon I put my hands up and keep kissing her and told her I'm not touching you now since you left everything off limits. Anyways, she decides to go change into her nightie - but goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to do it. I decided that I had enough and I told her that I don't want sex because she won't even let me see her naked let alone touch her.

She ended up feeling hurt, felt rejected and after we talked it over a little bit (not right away, but 10 min or so after I called it quits). So this really confused me, because while she wasn't in the mood, flat as can be because she's about to start her period, etc...she felt hurt and rejected because I told her I didn't want it anymore. I explained to her that I wasn't going to "play this game" with her tonight because I wasn't getting anywhere and she took away the things I needed to get excited. Was I too harsh? Also, I wouldn't exactly call her HD - maybe ND or slightly LD - yet she felt hurt because I was refusing her. All those times she told me she's "doing it for me" also must have meant it was for her also? After all these years of marriage, why not tell me? She's definitely NOT a games player, but is coy around sex. I don't get it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have you never given someone a gift you thought was a good gift but they didn't seem impressed? If so, that must have hurt your feelings a bit.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Have you never given someone a gift you thought was a good gift but they didn't seem impressed? If so, that must have hurt your feelings a bit.


Maybe it was the bowling ball gift - the one you give to someone even if they don't want it, but it's really what YOU want.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Yep I've been through this - can't remember exactly the circumstances - I think the was continuous huffing and puffing as if to say 'get it over with'. I thought I was doing a favor by saying lets just stop. At that point she called me a #uck!ng @$$#01e . It's as though 'I'm going to tolerate you and give you something that no matter how poorly presented you better like it' 

The other guy is right - it's considered a gift that better like even if it was wrapped in newspaper and is actually that broken lamp in the other room with maybe a flowers picked from next door :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Maybe she just wanted to connect via a make out session and you rejected that... from her perspective.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

marduk said:


> Maybe she just wanted to connect via a make out session and you rejected that... from her perspective.


This.

She may not have wanted sex, but she clearly wanted intimacy.

That, and what everybody else says - it's not about her being sexually rejected as it's about HER being rejected, period. (no pun intended).


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

Not an uncommon occurrence. I solved it easily by not having sex unless my wife also wanted it. Do you provide her with sex when you do not want to? These days my wife controls our sex life and it has worked out much better. 

I was just like you. I eventually talked to my wife about it and explained that I cannot enjoy sex unless she also was going to enjoy it. Although I know that you love me enough to take care of my sexual needs when you are not in the mood, I find that kind of sex shallow because she is not enjoying it as I am. After that talk, she was in control of when we had sex and it was much better.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

len51 said:


> Not an uncommon occurrence. I solved it easily by not having sex unless my wife also wanted it. Do you provide her with sex when you do not want to? These days my wife controls our sex life and it has worked out much better.
> 
> I was just like you. I eventually talked to my wife about it and explained that I cannot enjoy sex unless she also was going to enjoy it. Although I know that you love me enough to take care of my sexual needs when you are not in the mood, I find that kind of sex shallow because she is not enjoying it as I am. After that talk, she was in control of when we had sex and it was much better.


Although you've found something that works for you, is it really what you want?

I ask, because a lot of us (myself included) are in the same boat, more or less. My wife also "controls" the sex, and it's a familiar refrain around here, and also in real life I think.

But it's not what I want. I think the goal is more to prevent one person from controlling the sexual aspect of the relationship, and instead have it be mutual. Doesn't have to be a perfect 50/50.

Where I'm coming from, I can empathize with the OP. I also don't enjoy sex with my wife nearly as much when it's obvious she's doing it for me, or because it's been a while, or what have you. But you have to take a different mindset when these occasions occur, and go with the flow. I understand that my wife may not be "horny", but she is after some intimacy and time with me. In my case, we still have (at least) good sex, sometimes great, even though I know she's not into it at the start. It's doubly true when she's the one to initiate (even if her initiation is clumsy, or purely verbal).

Where you run into trouble is when your spouse is going through the motions throughout the whole thing. The initiation or suggestion of sex may be forced, but if the act itself is not, then both parties win in the end.

So this is how it is in my marriage. My wife will generally be open (or occasionally initiate) sex with me for every reason but her actually being horny and desiring sex. Yes, this sucks. But once we get going, we both get something out of it, and she's very much present during sex, and she enjoys it.

On the flip side, my ex wife would initiate probably more than 50% of the time, yet she was not present during sex. Go figure. I could never understand her mindset. She wanted to have sex, and she'd come to me for it, but then it would usually amount to plain vanilla duty sex, complete with the occasional "hurry up".  But she was the one who came to me for it in the first place.

Now I have the opposite. I have to chase and initiate, and far too much for my liking I get the "fine" or "okay, okay" or "yeah, I guess it's been a while". Sexy!  But once we get going she actively participates and cares about my pleasure, etc. But if I didn't initiate/chase/raise an eyebrow we'd probably have sex once a month, maybe twice, occasionally zero.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

alex, I saw your other thread about the dry spell and I too can sympathize even if our situations are different. I'm going thru a dry spell too but in a different manner. Through no fault of either one of us, sickness, travel, menstruation and life in general has made our sex life stale lately. I don't see a big turn around until another week or 2 possibly since now we're both getting minor illnesses.

Three weeks ago we're having hot sex regularly, and lately it's been more mundane.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Soon I put my hands up and keep kissing her and told her I'm not touching you now since you left everything off limits. Anyways, she decides to go change into her nightie - but goes into the bathroom and shuts the door to do it. I decided that I had enough and I told her that I don't want sex because she won't even let me see her naked let alone touch her.


It comes across that you were feeling a form of rejection that she didn't want you touching her and then her changing in privacy. What if you got over that and instead helped her feel more comfortable, maybe to have gently knocked on the door and told her how stunningly beautiful she is? For no other reason than you wanting to express that that's how you feel about her naked form. Maybe to have found out why (it doesn't need to be a big discussion) she didn't want you touching her? Lots of maybe's!

It may have given you insight so that you could be more loving towards her and potentially allowed for a very loving, intimate and potentially sexy night together. And remembering that she jumped on you. She wanted that intimacy with you.

'She took away the things that I needed to get excited'. When my husband touches me, sees me naked or in lingerie, these are not 'things' to get him excited. Rather, it is sharing my sexuality with him. To risk sounding like a hit John Legend song, it's all of me. It's the shared touch and consideration to one another. However if my body feels sensitive at that time, I'll tell him to touch me very gently. And he seems to intuitively know the level of touch needed. If I feel particularly 'blah' all around, it's not going to be the time that I slyly look over my shoulder and drop all my clothes. He knows this. I'm not shy with him but around that time I can feel heavy, sick, and with heightened sensations to the point that sometimes I wonder when my super power will kick in. 

Pointing the finger of blame and coming from a place of entitlement and being critical, I'm afraid does not maketh the sexy. What does _she_ need during that time? Why does it matter that it was hot and spicy a few weeks ago, and this week it's mild and tame? Is it not still intimacy? What's at the crux of it all?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hearts is QFT

I was hesitant to say this but the closed door ideally prompts a question - Are you feeling self Conscious? 

But in a concerned way. We ALL know what it's like to feel self conscious. It happens. Nothing better than a partner who notices - makes it all about you - and tells you that you look great. 

Most of the tome when our partner does something out of pattern, they are doing it FOR themselves not against us. Trying to help themselves feel better. Not to make us feel worse. 





heartsbeating said:


> It comes across that you were feeling a form of rejection that she didn't want you touching her and then her changing in privacy. What if you got over that and instead helped her feel more comfortable, maybe to have gently knocked on the door and told her how stunningly beautiful she is? For no other reason than you wanting to express that that's how you feel about her naked form. Maybe to have found out why (it doesn't need to be a big discussion) she didn't want you touching her? Lots of maybe's!
> 
> It may have given you insight so that you could be more loving towards her and potentially allowed for a very loving, intimate and potentially sexy night together. And remembering that she jumped on you. She wanted that intimacy with you.
> 
> ...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Hearts is QFT
> 
> I was hesitant to say this but the closed door ideally prompts a question - Are you feeling self Conscious?
> 
> ...


Great advice.


And might I add, I think the first time I've been 'QFT' ....thank you MEM! Allow me a quick second to bask in that feeling. 

Okay... basking is over.... back to business as usual.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

marduk said:


> Maybe she just wanted to connect via a make out session and you rejected that... from her perspective.


I tend to agree with this. She might have wanted a lot more making out before you started touching her here and there. I often need some warm up time just kissing and connecting before I want to be touched elsewhere. It can be off-putting if I really need the kissing and closeness and the guy just wants to start grabbing for the gold.

And then when you characterized her behavior,, and yours, this way:



> I explained to her that I wasn't going to "play this game" with her tonight because I wasn't getting anywhere and she took away the things I needed to get excited.


she likely got very upset because now you are accusing her of playing games, AND were making it seem like YOUR pleasure was the only thing that counted. She could have been thinking, "What about MY pleasure and excitement? I wanted to make out to start getting excited, but you didn't want to bother with what makes ME excited and just care that YOU weren't getting anywhere."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Half the secret to good sex is pacing. the best technique in the world won't save you if you are rushing your partner. 

It is the bright line that divides doing something WITH someone, vs doing something TO someone. 





norajane said:


> I tend to agree with this. She might have wanted a lot more making out before you started touching her here and there. I often need some warm up time just kissing and connecting before I want to be touched elsewhere. It can be off-putting if I really need the kissing and closeness and the guy just wants to start grabbing for the gold.
> 
> And then when you characterized her behavior,, and yours, this way:
> 
> ...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

norajane said:


> I tend to agree with this. She might have wanted a lot more making out before you started touching her here and there. I often need some warm up time just kissing and connecting before I want to be touched elsewhere. It can be off-putting if I really need the kissing and closeness and the guy just wants to start grabbing for the gold.
> 
> And then when you characterized her behavior,, and yours, this way:
> 
> ...


She probably thought that I was being self centered at that time. But it definitely wasn't due to a lack of foreplay on my part. Normally, I'm the one that likes foreplay more than her. But, things get weird when she's close to her period. That plus a recent illness plus some weird issue with her BC due to her being sick set the table for this.

Everything is back to a more normal dynamic.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Half the secret to good sex is pacing. the best technique in the world won't save you if you are rushing your partner.
> 
> It is the bright line that divides doing something WITH someone, vs doing something TO someone.


True, true.

This is something I have had to learn with Mr H, he loves lots (and I mean lots) of kissing, touching and taking time before getting down to business. Due to past stuff I used to freak out a bit with all the intensity of it but I have trained my mind to accept the gift of his time and passion, I now enjoy it immensely and get lost in time, we could be in this phase of the session for 5 minutes or 50 I really have no idea, it feels wonderful.


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