# What did I do Wrong?



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

So we've had a lull in our sex life during the past few weeks. We traveled 12 hours out-of-state a week ago for a family affair where we had zero privacy. Then we got back, exhausted with our four little kids, and I promptly started my period. Right after we got back, (I knew my period was coming in a day or so) I suggested that we should have sex because I knew my period was on its way. But H said that he knew I was exhausted from the trip and that he didn't want it to be rushed. 

So during my period I'm feeling guilty about how long it has been. So toward the end of my period (a day or so ago) I put on some sexy lingerie and headed downstairs to the basement where my H was watching t.v. Unfortunately, our finished basement is the only place where we can get some privacy since our 16-month-old is in our room with is (that is another story entirely). 

At any rate, I started touching him and kissing him. Then we hear this "ma, da" at the top of the stairs from our 16-month-old who won't stay in his toddler bed (he climbs out of his crib). So after that interruption we go back at it. But then H goes soft. I guess I was touching him too hard. I had no idea. And he can tell that I'm not really into it. 

Honestly, it's hard for me to get into it at the tail-end of my period. My body is just not producing enough lubrication yet, and he could feel that. So we end up having this long conversation about how he wants me to be into it as well. He said that he sometimes feels like he's just this machine that I take care of a few times a week. 

The thing is that I just don't feel into it a lot. But I still try. I really only feel a physical need for sex when I'm ovulating. Plus, I've never had an orgasm (something I'm working on). But I know it's not fair to him, so I make an effort. It's just frustrating because I feel that my efforts are not enough. Thoughts???


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

Give it time, and in the mean time, spend as much time bonding with your husband. Hold hands, rub his back as you walk by. Intimacy goes well beyond the bed. It is difficult for me being I didn't come from a family with a lot of touching and hugging. But I am trying to keep it in the front of my mind to remember that my spouse needs my touch and needs to feel close to me. It is really easy to forget that when not in the bedroom and distracted with life. 

-MWD


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you told him exactly what you said here?

Seems like with all the kids and one of them sleeping in the room with you to boot, that he would be all over you if you came downstairs and initiated sex with him in some sexy lingerie.

Sounds like a good discussion on the reality of your situation and expectations could be in order.

If he knows you post here, then let him know that a woman who has got a bunch of kids, has never had an orgasm, has a lower libido, and yet still tries to initiate sex even though she is not a spontaneously desirous person IS a big deal, it IS a big show of commitment and love.

I hope he can see that and work with you to also learn how to help create the passion and excitement in you. 

And, I would try and keep initiating if possible, and let him know in big ways and small that you appreciate him.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

MWD said:


> Give it time, and in the mean time, spend as much time bonding with your husband. Hold hands, rub his back as you walk by. Intimacy goes well beyond the bed. It is difficult for me being I didn't come from a family with a lot of touching and hugging. But I am trying to keep it in the front of my mind to remember that my spouse needs my touch and needs to feel close to me. It is really easy to forget that when not in the bedroom and distracted with life.
> 
> -MWD


That is so true. Thank you for that advice. H and I used to hold hands and kiss SO much when we were dating. My mom tells this "elevator story." H and I were on the elevator with my parents and brothers. I walked away from my mom and angled through my brothers just so I could stand by H. It seems funny now. But we definitely need more closeness in our marriage.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Have you told him exactly what you said here?
> 
> Seems like with all the kids and one of them sleeping in the room with you to boot, that he would be all over you if you came downstairs and initiated sex with him in some sexy lingerie.
> 
> ...


I did tell him that. I was like "Don't I get credit for anything here?" I know it really bothers him that I haven't had an orgasm. He wants to see that I'm always trying to have an orgasm when we have sex. Sometimes I'm in the mood for that effort, and other times I'm just too tired and I don't really care. I just want to make sure that I've made him happy. Is that so bad?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momtwo4 said:


> I did tell him that. I was like "Don't I get credit for anything here?" I know it really bothers him that I haven't had an orgasm. He wants to see that I'm always trying to have an orgasm when we have sex. Sometimes I'm in the mood for that effort, and other times I'm just too tired and I don't really care. I just want to make sure that I've made him happy. Is that so bad?


Oooh, ouch. You asked him if you get "credit" for anything? ouch honey, ouch. I would be pissed if my H said that to me.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Oooh, ouch. You asked him if you get "credit" for anything? ouch honey, ouch. I would be pissed if my H said that to me.


Hmmmm.....maybe not the best choice of words. I meant that I would like him to see that I'm doing my best and making an effort. I didn't mean it in an offensive way.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> I did tell him that. I was like "Don't I get credit for anything here?" I know it really bothers him that I haven't had an orgasm. He wants to see that I'm always trying to have an orgasm when we have sex. Sometimes I'm in the mood for that effort, and other times I'm just too tired and I don't really care. I just want to make sure that I've made him happy. Is that so bad?


That part's great. But your husband is just self-conscious.

If you had sex three times a week, and two of those times you have orgasms, and one of those times, you just want to take care of your husband, he would probably have no objections at all. The problem is, you never orgasm and you're always trying to take care of your husband.

Your motivation is commendable. But, your husband does want to feel like he's giving you pleasure. So try to play up to that. Ask your husband for a back massage, using oil, where he can penetrate you while you're enjoying the massage. That's mutual pleasure.

Also, when you're having sex, try to stay in the moment. Your husband can probably tell when you're thinking about other things. If you can't actually clear your mind and focus on your husband, fake it.

For men, enthusiasm is the ultimate aphrodisiac. So, when something feels good, tell him. Ooh and aah a lot. We love that.

Also, get the baby out of your room.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momtwo4 said:


> Hmmmm.....maybe not the best choice of words. I meant that I would like him to see that I'm doing my best and making an effort. I didn't mean it in an offensive way.


 I know how you meant it, but I also know how he probably understood it. That will make him feel like you are trying to get done with your "chores". He shouldn't be a chore.

Don't misunderstand me, I think it is great that you are trying. But if you aren't going to be enthusiastic then it could be all for nothing. I know what you mean about not being able to get enough natural lube at that point during your period, but there is nothing wrong with a little "hey babe, wanna watch me masturbate" and then having him jump in after you DO have some lube.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Sometimes I'm in the mood for that effort, and other times I'm just too tired and I don't really care. I just want to make sure that I've made him happy. Is that so bad?


For men their enjoyment comes from pleasing their wives. It's simply not fun for them if we don't enjoy it too. Sure quickies and times when we can't O are to be expected but they should be minimal. Your heart isn't in it and he knows which is why he's not interested. He wants it all and isn't willing to settle for your crumbs of sex. If he's going to be in it by himself he might as well go watch some porn and get himself off.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think most men enjoy giving their wife an orgasm more than their orgasm.

why haven't you orgasmed with him yet?

have you shown him what you like? can you orgasm on your own? 

I would feel very bad if my wife said she don't orgasm with me so much so I would probley not want to have much sex with someone who I couldn't give pleasure to.

dose he not last long enough dose he not know what you like ....what gives ... that is the root of the problem figure out how to orgasm with him and he will feel better and so will you.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> For men their enjoyment comes from pleasing their wives. It's simply not fun for them if we don't enjoy it too. Sure quickies and times when we can't O are to be expected but they should be minimal. Your heart isn't in it and he knows which is why he's not interested. He wants it all and isn't willing to settle for your crumbs of sex. If he's going to be in it by himself he might as well go watch some porn and get himself off.


"Crumbs of sex"--very descriptive metaphor there. So I guess I HAVE to get physical pleasure out of it for him to get anything meaningful out of it. The thing is that sometimes it does feel really good, but as I've stated before on this forum, I have not been able to climax yet by myself or with him. Sometimes pleasure for me is knowing that I'm taking good care of him. 

"Crumbs of sex"--that is hurtful. Both for him--and for me.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I think most men enjoy giving their wife an orgasm more than their orgasm.
> 
> why haven't you orgasmed with him yet?
> 
> ...


No, I can't orgasm on my own. I'm working on that. So it's not like I'm running to the bathtub to get myself off and enjoying sex with myself instead of with him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Sometimes pleasure for me is knowing that I'm taking good care of him.
> 
> "Crumbs of sex"--that is hurtful. Both for him--and for me.


Can't you see he wants to do the same thing for you?

You CAN learn how to O. You can.

Look if my husband never came during sex I'd feel cheated and eventually I wouldn't want to do that anymore. Pleasing him is what it's all about and he feels the same about me.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I know how you meant it, but I also know how he probably understood it. That will make him feel like you are trying to get done with your "chores". He shouldn't be a chore.
> 
> Don't misunderstand me, I think it is great that you are trying. But if you aren't going to be enthusiastic then it could be all for nothing. I know what you mean about not being able to get enough natural lube at that point during your period, but there is nothing wrong with a little "hey babe, wanna watch me masturbate" and then having him jump in after you DO have some lube.


I don't think any amount of masturbation could give me much "lube" at that point. But I do understand about making him feel like I'm taking care of a chore. If I'm just totally out of the mood, I think I should just wait. I don't want to fake it to the extent that is well, just "fake."


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> "Crumbs of sex"--very descriptive metaphor there. So I guess I HAVE to get physical pleasure out of it for him to get anything meaningful out of it. The thing is that sometimes it does feel really good, but as I've stated before on this forum, I have not been able to climax yet by myself or with him. Sometimes pleasure for me is knowing that I'm taking good care of him.
> 
> "Crumbs of sex"--that is hurtful. Both for him--and for me.


he feels the same but he knows he not taking good care of you!

Its a huge deal for most men to know that they know how to rock their girls world!


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Can't you see he wants to do the same thing for you?
> 
> You CAN learn how to O. You can.
> 
> Look it my husband never came during sex I'd feel cheated and eventually I wouldn't want to do that anymore. Pleasing him is what it's all about and he feels the same about me.


I feel all of this pressure to "O." Honestly, I'm starting to resent it. Like it's something that I HAVE to want. Like if I don't have an orgasm, I'm somehow incomplete and less of a wife. I guess I need to lock myself in the bathtub every night until I can climax. 

I'm a very busy mom with four young kids. At this point in my life, I would rather relax and do other things than worry about myself climaxing all the time. But I have to worry about this for the sake of my marriage.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I feel all of this pressure to "O." Honestly, I'm starting to resent it. Like it's something that I HAVE to want. Like if I don't have an orgasm, I'm somehow incomplete and less of a wife. I guess I need to lock myself in the bathtub every night until I can climax.
> 
> I'm a very busy mom with four young kids. At this point in my life, I would rather relax and do other things than worry about myself climaxing all the time. But I have to worry about this for the sake of my marriage.


If you ever had one you wouldn't feel this way. 

I'm a very busy mom to 3 kids and a good O is how I get through the day. It's better than any drug out there. Had one so good the other night I swear I think I blacked out for a second. LOL

Change your perspective. You're resenting doing something that's fun. Can you see that?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> If you ever had one you wouldn't feel this way.
> 
> I'm a very busy mom to 3 kids and a good O is how I get through the day. It's better than any drug out there.
> 
> Change your perspective. You're resenting doing something that's fun. Can you see that?


I hope you're right. I agree that I do need to change my perspective. I think the problem was that I was really resenting sex at that point and my husband could sense it. Sometimes I feel like I am just always taking care of everyone else and I have zero time for me. I don't even get to choose what I want. I need to WANT to have an O.

But I have a choice here. I can choose to feel resentful and keep doing the status quo, or I can keep enthusiastically working on that "O" with my husband. He's a good man, and we've built a beautiful life together. I know that sex can be awesome too.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momtwo4 said:


> I feel all of this pressure to "O." Honestly, I'm starting to resent it. Like it's something that I HAVE to want. Like if I don't have an orgasm, I'm somehow incomplete and less of a wife. I guess I need to lock myself in the bathtub every night until I can climax.
> 
> I'm a very busy mom with four young kids. At this point in my life, I would rather relax and do other things than worry about myself climaxing all the time. But I have to worry about this for the sake of my marriage.


 I can see how you feel this way. Like you HAVE to or he won't love or appreciate you? I think its a hard thing, when we have to realize the importance of our spouses needs, and that we need to put them at the top of our list. What is your love language?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I can see how you feel this way. Like you HAVE to or he won't love or appreciate you? I think its a hard thing, when we have to realize the importance of our spouses needs, and that we need to put them at the top of our list. What is your love language?


I think my love language is words of affection. I really thrive knowing that my H thinks I'm doing an awesome job homeschooling the kids and managing everything. I don't get a lot of that though. He's a good man, but words are not really his thing.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Do you feel you get close to orgasm and can't get over the edge? 

How old are you?

How many partners?

It sounds to me like you have a workable situation, so I would not despair. But, you should stop feeling pressured to orgasm. It will only happen when you're able to fully relax. Especially that first one! Try getting the kids out of the house with family or something for the weekend.

The pressure to orgasm for some women can be every bit as damaging to the goal of orgasm as worrying about ED can be damaging to the goal of an erection to a man. Just worrying about it screws things all up.

I personally don't really believe virtually any woman is incapable of orgasm. I've seen or personally know too many of them who have had types of orgasms they said was simply "not possible" for them. I've heard the "I'm not lucky like that, it doesn't work for me" and "clitoral is the only way I can orgasm" stuff a bit. Only to prove them wrong. And this from fairly experienced 30 year old plus women. So, I think it is more about you being relaxed and his technique. Those are both things HE can work on. How to not pressure you (make you relaxed) and how to touch you in ways where you can't help but have an orgasm.

I have a buddy whose 40 plus year old girlfriend was supposedly incapable of a vaginal orgasm. As I'd been through this before and have had great luck with it, I coached him on what to do (or at least what has worked for me). It took a couple weeks, but he and she finally cracked that nut, and now she won't leave him alone! :rofl:

Have you tried a vibrator? I would not want my partner to become dependant on one, but if you havne't had any orgasms, a vibrator may be what is needed to push you over the edge and take the pressure off of you. Once you have one, you'll be chasing them a lot more!

I really do believe the "orgasmless woman" is a near myth. Done right, I think you're all capable. It's finding the right mix of emotions, comfort, trust and technique. I believe you are all physically capable, it is just getting there mentally and with the right touch that will make it happen.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Sometimes I feel like I am just always taking care of everyone else and I have zero time for me. I don't even get to choose what I want.


Okay we're getting somewhere. You aren't likely to feel very sexy if you are giving more than you get back in return. You MUST learn to take care of YOU. You MUST learn that yes you absolutely DO get to choose what you want. I'm simply suggesting that an O should be on the want list and maybe some other things you think you want should be dropped. KWIM?

PS you have the right to demand words of affirmation from your husband.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I though a big part of sex with the one you love is to enjoy each other? I didn't know it was about orgasms, in fact I've always heard that it is in no way helpful or good to pressure one into orgasms? I could be wrong. I know pressuring a man sexually is a no-no, because of performance anxiety, well why should it be any different for a woman?

The lady can't even get herself to have an orgasm, so I think it's unfair to ride on her about how she's letting her husband down by not having one with him. I don't think she's doing it out of spite or on purpose to hurt his ego. 

First thing I'd do OP, is go to your GYN and ask him/her about it, after a check up to make sure you don't have any type of nerve damage in your clitoris or something like that, then head to a sex therapist to see if maybe it's a mental block. You'd want to go to someone who is specialized in sex.

Also, when you're having sex, just relax, don't put any pressure on yourself to orgasm, you're not doing ANYTHING wrong. Your husband needs to understand not getting upset about it either. Just enjoy each other, it's not a race with the goal being orgasms. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your husband having some sort of sexual problems, you'd hear a lot of "Don't pressure him, it's not going to help anything" well cut yourself some slack. You're working on the problem, you're not a bad person.


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I think my love language is words of affection. I really thrive knowing that my H thinks I'm doing an awesome job homeschooling the kids and managing everything. I don't get a lot of that though. He's a good man, but words are not really his thing.


You both can work on making words a big part of your relationship. My significant other and I took some premarital and post marital counseling and it really helped in our communication. It is a little awkward at first, but my significant other and I are very competitive and were determined to be the best there at their exercises. 

No need to approach it as fixing a problem, but as enhancing your relationship. Making the good and the not so good better. 

-MWD


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momtwo4 said:


> I think my love language is words of affection. I really thrive knowing that my H thinks I'm doing an awesome job homeschooling the kids and managing everything. I don't get a lot of that though. He's a good man, but words are not really his thing.


 So when he expresses disappointment with your attempts at pleasing him, it cuts you pretty deep?


My H and I are you two, but backwards. And I have to tell you, when I started getting on board with his huge need for WOA's the sex took off for me. Worth mentioning


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I though a big part of sex with the one you love is to enjoy each other? I didn't know it was about orgasms, in fact I've always heard that it is in no way helpful or good to pressure one into orgasms? I could be wrong. I know pressuring a man sexually is a no-no, because of performance anxiety, well why should it be any different for a woman?
> 
> The lady can't even get herself to have an orgasm, so I think it's unfair to ride on her about how she's letting her husband down by not having one with him. I don't think she's doing it out of spite or on purpose to hurt his ego.
> 
> ...


I don't think anybody was being unfair or pressuring her to have orgasms.... but were trying to explain the importance to most men that they be able to give their girl/wife an orgasm.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> I don't think anybody was being unfair or pressuring her to have orgasms.... but were trying to explain the importance to most men that they be able to give their girl/wife an orgasm.


I understand that, but she doesn't even know how to give herself an orgasm, and she sounds pressured by her husband. I've felt disappointment when a partner couldn't have an orgasm, and I would take it personally and get upset and then he would stress out and the next time, he didn't orgasm again because he was worried about it. It's a vicious cycle and will happen again and again until the people involved stop worrying about the "ultimate" goal of sex and concentrate more on the other parts of sex.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Do you feel you get close to orgasm and can't get over the edge?
> 
> How old are you?
> 
> ...


I'm 32 and I've had one other partner before my husband (not a positive experience). I've gotten to the point where I've felt very turned on and sex has felt very pleasurable, but H has always climaxed by that point. The one time that it felt really good, he climaxed and was then falling asleep on the couch. I was mad. LOL But I know he'd be willing to keep going for me. I just needed to communicate that better to him. 

Sometimes though, I just don't want to bother with the effort. Like a few nights ago when I was just plain exhausted and emotionally spent from a long day with the kids. I wanted to give him a quickie and then relax and go to bed.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Also, when you're having sex, just relax, don't put any pressure on yourself to orgasm, you're not doing ANYTHING wrong. Your husband needs to understand not getting upset about it either. Just enjoy each other, it's not a race with the goal being orgasms. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your husband having some sort of sexual problems, you'd hear a lot of "Don't pressure him, it's not going to help anything" well cut yourself some slack. You're working on the problem, you're not a bad person.


I agree that it certainly doesn't help to feel pressured. I thought sex was supposed to be fun? I'm going to keep trying on my own and with him, but it can't be all consuming for me (or him).


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momtwo4 said:


> I'm 32 and I've had one other partner before my husband (not a positive experience). I've gotten to the point where I've felt very turned on and sex has felt very pleasurable, but H has always climaxed by that point. The one time that it felt really good, he climaxed and was then falling asleep on the couch. I was mad. LOL But I know he'd be willing to keep going for me. I just needed to communicate that better to him.
> 
> Sometimes though, I just don't want to bother with the effort. Like a few nights ago when I was just plain exhausted and emotionally spent from a long day with the kids. I wanted to give him a quickie and then relax and go to bed.


 The best way my husband explained it to me was simple yet effective " You want me to get hard? You need to stroke my ego before you stroke my d***" hahahaha. Worked.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> I'm 32 and I've had one other partner before my husband (not a positive experience).


What happened with this experience?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> What happened with this experience?


I wasn't forced. But I think we both felt guilty about it since we came from backgrounds where you wait until marriage. Also, I didn't get much physically from it. Even though we had sex a lot, it was like he become obsessed with sex. I remember sleeping and waking up to him staring at me lying there. He was masturbating while staring at me. It kind've creeped me out. One time after we'd had sex a few hours earlier I was in the kitchen making breakfast and he was in the bathroom with the shower running. I walked in to ask him a question, and it was clear that he was finishing up masturbating. He rushed up from the toilet and slammed the door in my face.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momtwo4 said:


> I wasn't forced. But I think we both felt guilty about it since we came from backgrounds where you wait until marriage. Also, I didn't get much physically from it. Even though we had sex a lot, it was like he become obsessed with sex. I remember sleeping and waking up to him staring at me lying there. He was masturbating while staring at me. It kind've creeped me out. One time after we'd had sex a few hours earlier I was in the kitchen making breakfast and he was in the bathroom with the shower running. I walked in to ask him a question, and it was clear that he was finishing up masturbating. He rushed up from the toilet and slammed the door in my face.


Just make sure you aren't holding on to this and using it as a reason to not want to be with your husband. I get having kids and all that responsibility that goes with it, but you HAVE to make room for your marriage. Kids will move out ( they better!) and the one you will have is your husband. Don't drift so far away that as soon as they leave, he does too.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> I've gotten to the point where I've felt very turned on and sex has felt very pleasurable, but H has always climaxed by that point. The one time that it felt really good, he climaxed and was then falling asleep on the couch. I was mad. LOL But I know he'd be willing to keep going for me. I just needed to communicate that better to him.


Communication is great. You need to understand each others' points of view. For men, we almost universally climax during sex. That's our finish line. We have foreplay (or not), then sex, then climax, then sleep.  That's how we know we're finished. It's hard for us to understand a woman not reaching climax. And even the most orgasmic of women occasionally can't climax.



momtwo4 said:


> Sometimes though, I just don't want to bother with the effort. Like a few nights ago when I was just plain exhausted and emotionally spent from a long day with the kids. I wanted to give him a quickie and then relax and go to bed.


And your husband picks up on this attitude. If you don't want to bother with the effort, I guarantee that your attempts at seduction come across as you just wanting to punch that clock so you can cross it off your list and get some sleep. Men don't enjoy knowing that our wives would rather be unconscious than having sex with us.

I suggest a long-term strategy of focusing on pleasure without too much pressure. Start using a vibrator with your husband as foreplay. Tell him to tie you up on the bed and use the vibrator on you for five minutes. You won't climax during that time, and knowing that, you may be able to just enjoy the sensations. Then, your husband can get involved and finish things up. If you can do things like that, you may become more comfortable feeling pleasure, and your husband may be satisfied that you're working toward a mutually satisfying sex life.

But, you have to act like you would rather be naked with your husband than folding laundry. If you can't do that, then all is lost.

Good luck.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I used to think I should be able to orgasm in the same time that he did (I was pressuring myself to orgasm in a man's time frame! ha!). You said sometimes he's done while you're just beginning to feel the excitement. Sounds like a shift is needed in how much time he takes with you first. Granted, if you're doing a "hurry up and get it done" tactic on him, you are cutting short your own opportunity. It's a vicious cycle because you get the man used to leaving you in a lurch. 

I also used to think I was supposed to orgasm during intercourse without much else required beyond the kissing that was the foreplay. He thought the same thing and so there wasn't much of other kinds of stimulation before or during (for me).

Turns out that, often, the man actually should hold back his needs and make love to the woman until she is pleased (or well along the way). THEN he can pursue his own pleasure. I know it sounds basic. But it was a big revelation to me. Sadly, he's still working on that. 

So, I don't know how sex plays out between the two of you. But if it's FOR HIM (which you both have been colluding to make it that way), then of course you won't climax.

It's a good sign though that your husband turned you away and felt upset. It means he cares about your sexual pleasure and that's more than many women can say. Tons of men would just keep taking it that easy and not worry about it unless you started to complain. You have a good man to work with.

Finally, four kids that you are homeschooling is never a good aphrodisiac. Don't minimize that (or let HIM minimize how much that can affect your ability to actually want to take any time of your day to work on this). You still have to work on it - but it should be acknowledged that it's practically a herculean effort to do so with so many children and so young (I have two and that knocked me on my ass!). Is he helping out enough with the children's care and the house care to give you room to build up some desire? That's important, even though it's hard on a couple to balance that. 

Finally, if your love language is words of affirmation and your husband is not offering enough of that - sounds like the issues go both ways and HE has some work to do as well. He may be expecting you to become amorous through his love language, rather than your own. And it doesn't work that way.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

P.S. I used to do a lot of that "sex as charity to my husband" thing once upon a time. It comes back to bite you in the ass someday. Don't do it. Work on things genuinely. Once you have a mutually satisfying sex life, then the occasional "sex just for you" thing is totally fine.


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