# Married Someone I Didn't Love



## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

My wife and I will have been married two years next month. We dated for 4 years before we got married and both of us are in our mid-to-late 20's. When we started dating I had just had my heart broken by another girl and my wife was there to pick up the pieces. I was never really attracted to her but we got along well and before I knew it, we were connected at the hip. Because of our backgrounds we both had decided to wait to have sex but that only lasted about a month into our relationship. We averaged once every couple of weeks, and that number slowly simmered to to once a month and that's about where it stayed till we got married. Our first year of marriage we had sex 10 times and only 4 times since last October. About a year and a half ago I came to this site looking for advice about the lack of sex and people here talked me into sitting her down and discussing it. She promised she would try harder and that lasted about 2 weeks. Ever since then the times we have had sex I haven't enjoyed it. I realized I'm not even slightly attracted to my wife any more, and about 6 months ago I came to the realization that I'm not in love with her and truthfully never have been. Since that realization I've been trying to figure out why I dated her for so long and why married her. 
My wife is very high maintenance and needs to be taken care of. She has daddy/abandonment issues on top of it. And I'm the type of person who has a hard time saying no, and an extremely hard time hurting people. She is my best friend and we are comfortable together. Hurting her terrifies me but she's talking about buying a home and having kids, and knowing that I'll never be happy with her makes our future terrifying to me. I don't know what to do. I made my bed, should I lie in it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Even bigger than the issue of sex is the fact that you say you were never attracted to her and you married her w/o loving her. 

That is massive.

I don't do validation so I will be really concise here:

Get out of this marriage if you truly feel that way. Because your entire marriage and relationship has been a lie if you never loved her. I cannot think of anything more cruel or cold than marrying someone you do not love (and have them thinking otherwise).

End it now before you string her along any further and before you do something crazy like have kids and buy a home w/ someone you have never loved. 

It's not fair to either of you. 

Spend some time single and by all means DO NOT get involved in a relationship with someone, especially long-term if you don't love that person...especially as going as far as to marry.


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## hubbyfetish (Oct 2, 2012)

I would have thought after 4 years you would have come to this realization and it not take two years.

Jellybeans says its not fair to either one of you....well I will say that it is not far to her.

If she loves you and had planned on spending the rest of her life with you, building a family and many memories that will last forever.....you have just wasted 2 years of her life that she will never get back.

I just do not understand how it took this long.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'll stress not to even think about having kids. In fact, I would subscribe to a total sex moratorium until you decide what you're going to do. It only takes once to have a baby and then you'll be in a whole new world of problems.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Every day you stay will make it harder when you eventually leave. Tomorrow will be harder than today. When you have a kid, when you buy a house, when you buy a car, when you plan a vacation.....all of these things are creating a life together that will be more difficult to split up than it is today. If you truly hate hurting people, then hurt her less today than tomorrow. 

Be a man and make this right.


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

I feel sorry for your wife.

But you have to end it. She deserves to be truly loved by someone.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Wait you can count how many times you have had sex?! Woah dude that is not right. Plus how can you not be attracted to her at all? I think if I try hard enough I could be attracted to almost any woman atleast some what...especially if I am not getting any...or maybe I am easy?!

Oh yeah, you have to end it. She deserves better than you.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

To give a little more information. She was truly my first real girlfriend and she is the best friend I've ever had. I care for her deeply. When she and I started dating I knew nothing about love, I knew I cared for her and wanted to see her happy. She was happy with me and I felt really comfortable with her. I thought that was what love was supposed to be, it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong. And no I wasn't very sexually attracted to her but our relationship didn't start by me lusting after her, it just kind of happened. We meshed well together, never fought and we were comfortable. All of our family and friends were pushing us to marry. It all just felt right. It wasn't until we had a big issue (sex frequency) that I really started evaluating our relationship. Up until that point I had no reason to doubt my feelings. I met a woman (married) through work that stirred up feelings in me that I have never had. My heart was racing, short of breath. I was instantly infatuated with her. Ive only been around her maybe twice since then but it made me realize what I should feel for my wife. And I've never felt that. 
Right now my wife doesn't know any different. I bend over backwards for her, do more than enough around the house, constantly helping her with her job. I have always treated her better than most of the husbands I know treat their wives, and I fulfill her needs. I'm just not passionately in love with her. If I would have known then what I know now, we wouldn't have gotten married.

And spouses counting the amount of times they have had sex isn't uncommon if their needs aren't being met. I actually got that idea from someone on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Damn. Usually I am pretty good about snuffing out an affair or a third party interference in a post but I totally dropped the ball on this one. 

But of course. 



YoungBuck said:


> I met a woman (married) through work that stirred up feelings in me that I have never had. My heart was racing, short of breath. I was instantly infatuated with her. Ive only been around her maybe twice since then but it made me realize what I should feel for my wife. And I've never felt that.


If you truly never loved your wife: let her go. She deserves so much better.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

No Im not involved with this woman and I am certain the feelings are one sided, to be honest I doubt she knows my name. If I stay she will never know any different it will just be my happiness being sacrificed. I didn't mention that my wife has some severe mental issues that she is medicated for. Part of the reason why I'm terrified to end it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> Up until that point I had no reason to doubt my feelings. I met a woman (married) through work that stirred up feelings in me that I have never had. My heart was racing, short of breath. I was instantly infatuated with her. Ive only been around her maybe twice since then but it made me realize what I should feel for my wife. And I've never felt that.


sigh.........

Marriage counseling?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

YoungBuck said:


> No Im not involved with this woman and I am certain the feelings are one sided, to be honest I doubt she knows my name. If I stay she will never know any different it will just be my happiness being sacrificed. I didn't mention that my wife has some severe mental issues that she is medicated for. Part of the reason why I'm terrified to end it.


Dude. You're just making excuses. Like you have the entire time you've been together. What you are doing is fvcked up. How do you think staying with her based on a LIE (the fact you don't even love her) is a loving or caring thing to do for her?

It's ICE COLD is what it is. 

If you want out, go.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Dude. You're just making excuses. Like you have the entire time you've been together. What you are doing is fvcked up. How do you think staying with her based on a LIE (the fact you don't even love her) is a loving or caring thing to do for her?
> 
> It's ICE COLD is what it is.
> 
> If you want out, go.


Because I AM who she wants and is happy with. I may not be who she NEEDS. I guess my question is: Is the pain that's it's going to cause and the ripping apart of life as the two of us know it. Worth me leaving? I understand that this is a question only I can answer, but I was looking for some open minded outside advice. What ive gotten this far is I'm a POS and I need to leave her. So that's it? No other considerations?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> I didn't mention that my wife has some severe mental issues that she is medicated for. Part of the reason why I'm terrified to end it.


Okay, please stop the blame game with the "severe mental issues." If you don't want to be married to her any longer, so be it, but own it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> Because I AM who she wants and is happy with. I may not be who she NEEDS. I guess my question is: Is the pain that's it's going to cause and the ripping apart of life as the two of us know it. Worth me leaving? I understand that this is a question only I can answer, but I was looking for some open minded outside advice. What ive gotten this far is I'm a POS and I need to leave her. So that's it? No other considerations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not a POS. You married for comfort, not passion & you now realize it was a mistake.

There is a book "To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" that may help you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you were attracted to her, if you loved her, and just weren't getting sex enough then we would have much different advice. But there's nothing anyone can say that will make you fall in love with her. Although personally I suspect if she was laying you like tile you would fall in love pretty quickly. That's what I would tell her if she was my friend. Almost wish she was the one on here asking how to turn things around, because that's something that's possible with changes on her part. But for you to just fall in love with no change from her? Very difficult. And if you're not going to love her, then leaving is the best for both of you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Okay, please stop the blame game with the "severe mental issues." If you don't want to be married to her any longer, so be it, but own it.


Come on!! She could be prone to suicide or self harm when he breaks up with her. He is worried about her physical and mental state if he does end up breaking up with her


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Emerald said:


> You are not a POS. You married for comfort, not passion & you now realize it was a mistake.
> 
> There is a book "To Good to Leave, To Bad to Stay" that may help you.


Thank you for the suggestion, I'll download the sample of that tonight!

WorkingOnMe- I think you're probably right. But I know she won't ever change in that department. She claims she has never had a sexual fantasy in her life and I believe her. She also admitted to me that the only reason we had sex on our wedding night and once during our honeymoon is because she knew I wanted to. I've wondered if she's ever really been in love with me or if she was just as confused as I was.

Warlock- to be a little more specific she has extreme anxiety and OCD. Two weeks ago she had a panic attack because she imagined something that could happen but hadn't actually happened. If that makes sense. She had to leave work because of it. That's where her response to something that would turn her world upside down frightens me. I've never seen any sign of hurting herself but she also hasn't been through anything this big since I've been with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Come on!! She could be prone to suicide or self harm when he breaks up with her. He is worried about her physical and mental state if he does end up breaking up with her


I've heard that BS way to often, "I am going to kill myself if you don't/do...". If she has a mental problem fine but it is not his mental problem.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

So the parent who's child commits suicide, because they were rejected for being gay, isn't partially at fault?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> So the parent who's child commits suicide, because they were rejected for being gay, isn't partially at fault?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you telling me that you being scared into being into a relationship isn't really messed up? As in scared I mean threatened.

It is one thing to try for days and say it doesn't work over trying for years and it doesn't work.


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## lunainthesky (Oct 5, 2012)

the threat of suicide is manipulating and emotional blackmail, sure is no foundation for a relationship. that being said if it's a real risk, a therapist or MC might be an option to help her deal with things. Staying in a marriage you don't want to be in out of fear for what she might do is not gonna benefit neither of you, imo.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> So the parent who's child commits suicide, because they were rejected for being gay, isn't partially at fault?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I would blame myself in that instance.

If your wife has never mentioned suicide or given any indication of thinking about it, it should not even be a topic of discussion here.


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## lunainthesky (Oct 5, 2012)

I agree with the latter one if she never said it it should not be a topic of discussion and if she said it, therapy might be recommended in my opinion. 

Maybe I be as blunt as to turn the ball around? you don't love her, so it's not unthinkable she's not all that into you (not sexual, and if she was all that into you, would not she have noticed that you're not all that into her?) anyway that being said, why would she even want to commit suicide for you? (don't want to come across blunt, just turn it around, one way of thinking is not more true then the other I think)


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## still4ever (Aug 28, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> Because I AM who she wants and is happy with. I may not be who she NEEDS. I guess my question is: Is the pain that's it's going to cause and the ripping apart of life as the two of us know it. Worth me leaving? I understand that this is a question only I can answer, but I was looking for some open minded outside advice. What ive gotten this far is I'm a POS and I need to leave her. So that's it? No other considerations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I want you to read this book, then read it again. It is short & can maybe help change your perception & outlook on things. "From A Chicken To An Eagle" by Jerry Fankhauser 

I don't think that just now realizing your feelings makes you a POS. And I can see that you would like to love her & be attracted to her but you gotta figure out how. But whatever you decide it will be life changing & Im hoping for the best for ya.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> I guess my question is: Is the pain that's it's going to cause and the ripping apart of life as the two of us know it. Worth me leaving? I understand that this is a question only I can answer, but I was looking for some open minded outside advice. What ive gotten this far is I'm a POS and I need to leave her. So that's it? No other considerations?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes it is worth the pain because right now it is just her heart you will break. If you continue this relationship and have a baby there's another world you've turned upside down and another heart broken and abandoned. 

You say she is your best friend and you care deeply for her then ironically enough you have to leave her for this very reason. She deserves to be with someone who truely loves her, as do you. It is selfish to stay in this relationship purely because you fear hurting her...think long term here, not immediate consequences. 

And I suggest you never ever tell her that you think you never loved her, the pain that would cause would be too intense and stay with her forever. I would just say something along the lines of you're no longer in love with her and don't want to bring children into that type of relationship..still very painful but on a scale of things..

And after discussing things book her into counseling asap.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YB, 
Glad you are seriously evaluating your situation before having kids. My foremost advice continues to be: wear a condom when intimate with your wife.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think it's ridiculous to say you never loved her, YoungBuck. You're comparing an infatuation with a woman you don't know to the reality of married life. Your sex life sucks, but to say you don't love a person who is your best friend and with whom you get along well is just about the dumbest statement ever. You may not have passion with her, but friendship is love. You love your parents and never felt about them the way you do with this work partner. At least, I hope you never did.

So. You love your wife but you don't feel attracted to her. Your sex life is lacking and doesn't show much promise. Your wife has anxiety issues and OCD. You're in conflict because she's wanting your marriage to progress normally and you're afraid of what that will do to you if you decide to leave eventually. 

I think it sounds like she has possibly been sexually traumatized in her past, and this could be the basis for her OCD, anxiety, and lack of responsiveness in the bedroom. Is she addressing these matters with her counselor?

If she were sexually responsive and behaved like you were the greatest thing since D batteries, how would your feelings change?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

YoungBuck said:


> To give a little more information. She was truly my first real girlfriend and she is the best friend I've ever had. I care for her deeply. When she and I started dating I knew nothing about love, I knew I cared for her and wanted to see her happy. She was happy with me and I felt really comfortable with her. *I thought that was what love was supposed to be, it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong. *And no I wasn't very sexually attracted to her but our relationship didn't start by me lusting after her, it just kind of happened. We meshed well together, never fought and we were comfortable. All of our family and friends were pushing us to marry. It all just felt right. It wasn't until we had a big issue (sex frequency) that I really started evaluating our relationship. Up until that point I had no reason to doubt my feelings. I met a woman (married) through work that stirred up feelings in me that I have never had. My heart was racing, short of breath. I was instantly infatuated with her. Ive only been around her maybe twice since then but it made me realize what I should feel for my wife. And I've never felt that.
> Right now my wife doesn't know any different. I bend over backwards for her, do more than enough around the house, constantly helping her with her job. I have always treated her better than most of the husbands I know treat their wives, and I fulfill her needs. I'm just not passionately in love with her. If I would have known then what I know now, we wouldn't have gotten married.
> 
> And spouses counting the amount of times they have had sex isn't uncommon if their needs aren't being met. I actually got that idea from someone on this site.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





> _I thought that was what love was supposed to be, it didn't feel like I was doing something wrong._


Maybe that *IS* what love is supposed to be? 

You might be hankering for something that does not exist.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

This situation is simple. You have no kids and you're young so divorce her.

Never settle on a girl you're not attracted to. My previous gfs after a while I wasn't attracted to them and didn't care to have sex with them as a result. My wife, after 5 years, I'm still attracted to her and still want to have sex with her. I'm also young around 30.

Your issue is she was your only gf. You need to date more to see what you really want. If you stay with her, you'll regret it the rest of your life.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

Your wife's emotional issues sound pretty severe. Why does she want children soon if she's having serious panic attacks? It sounds like she needs further counseling. I'm wondering if the wonderful qualities you do find in her would attract you more, as well as your sex life improving if she becomes healthier mentally? Should you throw away a marriage before she has some further opportunity to resolve severe mental health problems? If she is in counseling, suggest that she see a new therapist before giving up. Also, her medication could be decreasing her libido.


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