# Dealing with the "New Life"



## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Hi, 

I've posted in Reconciliation with my full story - it goes on, of course, and I wonder how people in a separation deal with giving the person who left space, while hoping for a reconciliation.

I'm looking for specific tips, advice, attitudes, and ways to nurture myself. 

He left two weeks ago and is going out with new friends, perhaps pursuing a relationship or at least sex, and very into that "2nd adolescence" you hear of, when one person leaves a relationship they felt trapped in.

I have never wanted to trap him, don't want to know, just want to preserve the love we have for each other and rebuild, something completely new if possible. 

I just need to get through his horrible time of feeling lonely, cheated, betrayed, nauseous, jealous, the full nine yards. Below this I feel a love and connection for him that has never been so strong.

Thank you.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Have you read anything on he 180? 

My advice is linked to that - concentrate on yourself. Improve who you are and you'll become a more attractive person, to yourself (most important), to others and maybe to him. By the time you've spent some good time working on you, you may realize that you deserve better than someone who would do this to you (which I believe to be the case).


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

180 - meaning act like the split is a great idea? move on? i'm still in shock, not sure if the reverse psychology will work on him. my gut says he needs to know i'm here for him, because in relationship i was getting pretty hyped up on my own needs and frustrated that i wasn't hearing from him. 

maybe the separation will give us a new platform to build a different relationship...

but yes, i should read about the 180. wanna summarize for me? 

thanks lost in spaces


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry that you're in this part of the forum, Lucy. I understand where you're coming from. I was there once, too. Are you in any kind of counseling or individual therapy right now? It would probably be a really good idea. 

I agree with Lost's advice on looking into the 180 -- with the purpose of discovering you. That's really important at a time like this. It's difficult to look at where you are emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, if you're still in a lot of contact with him. 

Another thing strikes me from your post. You might want to do a little reading on attachment vs. love. I think there's an instinctive reaction that happens at the time of a separation that one doesn't want, or was surprised by. It's almost like a drowning person fighting back, trying not to go under. It feels like the love feelings actually get stronger, even if the person who left is doing *nothing* to deserve it. In many ways, that's a sign of attachment, and that's different from love, though it's easy to confuse the two. You can find things online by googling. Here's just one article I found:

Is it Love? Is it attachment?

Specific tips on nurturing yourself? Think of things you wanted to do, but couldn't because of commitments, time demands, negative feelings from your spouse, etc., and DO THEM! Get out of the house, and get involved with people. If you have become isolated, take small steps like getting involved with volunteering for a cause you believe in. Take a class at a local continuing ed program. Get physically active. These things help in so many ways. It takes your mind off of what's going on in your marriage, it helps you to discover who you really are (which may have gotten lost over time), and in some cases, like exercise, you'll feel better mentally and physically.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Lucy , I'm sorry to see you here 

Here the 180 The Healing Heart: The 180

Stay strong and write here .

Good luck.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Thanks angelpixie - but I feel like I haven't lost over time what's important for me - except expressing my love for my husband. Of course I'm attached to him, too, and to our family as a unit of three, not two. And I love him too.

There is so much more awareness that needs to happen between us if we are going to move forward as effective co-parents, let alone ever having positive feelings towards each other. 

But, I am planning on keeping my feelings to myself when in communication with my husband for the next little while - I have certainly been clear that I care and want to work with him.

I know that he's especially turned off by the fact that he thinks I'm not pursuing my goals, but I am, and I'll show him that. He's finding himself attracted to a friend of ours who is in the same field as he is, and he's made business plans with her. This part makes me feel like it's hopeless...

But I am going to treat myself better...get a massage, take my daughter to the hot springs, self-publish my almost finished book of poetry.

And yes, I am seeing a counsellor individually, and H has agreed to still see one with me together.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Thanks BigMac. Will read and reply soon.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Excellent! It sounds like you have some really concrete things that you're doing. Good on you for writing and looking to publish! It sounds like he may be in a bit of a 'grass is greener' fog, seeing this person who is in the same business, and isn't treating your writing as equal in importance. I don't know what you can do about that. That's on him. Some people are just very opinionated on what they think certain jobs or talents are 'worth.' But it's important to you, and if he cares, that should be enough for him to support you. 

It's during these times of separation that we need to not just look at ourselves and the role we played in the state of our relationships, but to also look with an unbiased eye at our spouses. Just what is loving behavior? How should a supportive, understanding spouse act? What is an honest 'mistake' and what is a deliberate choice? These are the kinds of things that are also helpful to do when you are taking a break from contact with him. Journaling is invaluable for this. Is this person, the way he is *now*, really someone I want to be with? Am I basing my feelings on what he used to be like? What I hope he will be someday?

You've mentioned that you haven't been good at expressing your love for him. That may be true. But love and marriage is a two-way street. Don't let your guilt make you accept less than a loving commitment from him as well. If you don't see him taking equal action to work on your marriage, don't assume he wants reconciliation as much as you do. If there's anything I've seen here in my time on TAM, it's that you cannot force someone into staying married. If they have detached emotionally, you cannot trust what they say. It only really means anything if they're willingly doing the hard work necessary. Are they going to counseling because you're begging them? Are they suggesting books to read on fixing your relationship? Are they openly working with an eye to staying married, or are you hearing nebulous 'I don't know what I want' or 'I just need time to think?'

I really do understand. I wish I knew what I know now when I was first hearing my STBXH talk about separating. At the very least, just to not feel so alone.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> Thanks BigMac. Will read and reply soon.


Lucy , if you take an advice from me - 180 is NOT one time read article ! Right now that should be your daily "to Do" list .

Stay consistent on it, that way you'll discover allot of things about your self. 


Here also something that will help you - An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Thanks for your thoughts. I go back and forth feeling strong and capable and totally demoralized, crushed by him etc. Definitely not all I feel for him is healthy, but I know his faults pretty well and know that we can work with them, as with mine.

However, he's not giving me anything to work with, no "I don't know," and he's in counselling it would seem more to fix logistics with our daughter, not to talk. He's said he's willing to tell me "really why" he's doing this in therapy, though - just not to my face at home. 

I can really see him moving on well without me, and part of me wants to make it so hard for him. I can't see myself moving on well either way - with anger or with acceptance. The thought of that stage makes me absolutely panic-filled and nauseous.

LOVE LOVE LOVE, it's what I've got to focus on. I so want him to be an intimate part of my life, not on the sidelines, seeing my daughter once or twice a week. I know that may mean nothing to him but at least I can voice it here, work through some of these feelings, hear feedback.

Thank you.

Ps. What do all the acronyms mean? WS? BS? STBXH? Help!


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

PS. He's just so happy living the single life, I can see that. How will he ever see that there can be so much love and growth in a long-term relationship?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

WS -- Wayward Spouse
BS -- Betrayed Spouse
STBXH -- Soon to be ex-husband

There's a whole TAM glossary, and I'm trying to find the link for you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> PS. He's just so happy living the single life, I can see that. How will he ever see that there can be so much love and growth in a long-term relationship?


He may not and you can't make him. He has to come to these realizations on his own. The best thing you could be doing during that time is concentrating on yourself. 

Let him see you being happy too.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

But I"m not happy!


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

That's because you are currently putting no effort into your own happiness. 

It is HARD. I'm going through this right now too. But I'm choosing to do things that make me happy and, you know what? I'm happy about half the time right now. That is a hell of a lot better than I was a few weeks ago. Hell, even a few days ago.

But it was a *choice* I made to make the effort to try. It didn't just happen.


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

baby steps miss lucy.

Have a good old cry when you have to...then take a deep breathe and go find one small thing you can do for YOU. 


There are so many people here who have been right where you are...so lean on the TAMmers whenever you need honey.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I know it sounds pathetic but I want to be happy WITH him; he's totally interrupted that process (we had just started to see a counsellor to work on our issues). 

If I could cry it would help... and I am having moments of calm - working on some creative projects...

But the raging inside is hard to handle.

He feels like another person to me, but someone that I still love at the deepest level, past all this crap he's foisting on me.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

lucy mulholland said:


> I know it sounds pathetic but I want to be happy WITH him; he's totally interrupted that process (we had just started to see a counsellor to work on our issues).
> 
> If I could cry it would help... and I am having moments of calm - working on some creative projects...
> 
> ...


Are you in therapy ?

Yesterday you said you don't wanna hear of him , now you want to be happy with him !!!


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Lucy - it is an emotional rollercoaster where I have found I swing between sadness, anger, desperation, and vindictiveness. I am following the 180 approach and that has helped along with the IC, family support, and selected friends. 

I saw your post on Reconiliation and you stated you wanted to scream "Why the hell are you doing this?" I have to keep biting my tongue because that's ALL I want to shout to snap STBXW out of this. I'm two months in, still living together, and it is getting better for me but it is still so very hard.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Lucy, it's ok to Be pathetic. From your posts it sounds like you are a very ordered and with-it gal. It's ok to meltdown when your x has treated your union so carelessly. 

Your body is processing a Ton of chemicals at the death of the marriage. It's ok to rage and love and cry and laugh. Stop and feel those emotions when they assault you. 

Your stbxh isn't the person you think he is. You pine for some make believe person that wouldn't treat your love so carelessly. Keep working on shoring yourself up and expanding your perceptions. I'm sorry that you find yourself amongst us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Cross-posted with soca... We say largely the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

-Your stbxh isn't the person you think he is. You pine for some make believe person that wouldn't treat your love so carelessly.-

Thanks Orpheus - this hurts to read but it does ring true. But a childlike part of me wants to know, why, why, why would you treat us so carelessly (I mean me and my daughter). And how am I going to live with this person as a co-parent? There's a deeper part of him that's hurting and that where I want to connect, not with the jerk he's acting like right now.

Soca70 - I can't imagine what it must be like to have two months of co-habitating under your belt in the process of separation. You are a champion, really, and deserve a medal!

It just hurts to know that I've spent 9 years believing in us, when it could have been just a fairy tale in my head. I've made a real effort to communicate and the thought that he's actually so disrespectful makes me want to have nothing to do with him.

But yes, to make things endlessly complicated, I want to be happy together. Of course I do.

This morning he told me the reason is that he's "just not happy with me anymore". It feels so weak...like he's not happy with himself and blaming it on me...

I also care about him enough to know that when he realizes his mistakes (unless he stays in a pot-smoking fog for his whole life, which I suppose is possible), he will feel such sorrow and remorse, and even if that's just what he needs to go through -- it is putting my daughter and I through hell, saying nothing of the years to come. So our pain and suffering for his benefit?

Trying to stay out of that bad place in my mind but I keep going there. 

PS. I am seeing a counsellor, wish I could go daily...this forum will have to substitute!


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

PS. Just because I'm feeling a little vindictive this morning - I didn't mention that this big move-out announcement comes just three weeks after I had surgery...I spent two weeks recovering and then went to visit family with my D for one week...more recovery really.

How could he let the stress and hardship bring him to this place of ultimate lack of compassion?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lucy, I'm sorry to say that he may never get to a point where he realizes his mistakes, pot fog or not. What will help you the most is to get to a point where it doesn't matter what he thinks. That is waaaaayyy easier said than done. I am speaking from experience. But if you wait for him to realize things you are giving him power over you. YOU know that you loved him, you were committed to your marriage, you did your best. That's all you need to know. Really. 

It is hardest of all when you have to keep dealing with this person as a co-parent. It would truly be easiest to cut them out of your life. But we can't do that when we have kids. So, that makes it even more important that you separate your feelings about yourself from his feelings about you. Otherwise, it will be very tempting to keep looking for him to change, to 'realize.' 

Much as you believe that he's hurting inside, realize that his behavior now *is a choice*. He doesn't have to do this to you and your daughter. He is choosing to do it. His hurt doesn't give him a right to treat the two of you so shabbily. He is who he is *right now*. 

Please, even though you are a loving and caring woman, do not let yourself think about how he MAY feel in the future. You are right -- you and your daughter are going through hell NOW. 

This part of things, the confusion of how this can be happening, why he's choosing this, it's the hardest part to go through. I know. Of course his excuses are weak. But they are what he's basing his actions on, so they are enough for him. 

This time is for you to grieve. As I typed that, I felt this pain in my gut and the tears are welling up. I know how much this hurts. It really is a death of a part of your dreams. It changes everything. But you can get through it. You are strong, I can see that in your posts. 

((hugs)) to you, sweet lady.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I saw your last post after I posted mine -- yeah, he did this after your surgery? Do NOT worry about whether or how much he's hurting. You are not vindictive. You are seeing him for who he is. Remember things like that when you start to miss him.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

My tears are welling up too, angelpixie. Thank you, it is a release.

However, now I need to go to work. And I actually could stomach breakfast this morning!

I'll be back soon - this is really helpful support.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

We, the aggrieved, spend a lot of time and energy on the motivations and frame of reference of the departed. It takes a long time to understand that it doesn't matter. Who they're spending their time with and how they feel doesn't matter. Once the contract is broken you would need a new contract to move forward with that person. Something not filled with guesses and hypothesis. The quicker you can leave them alone and focus on you the better. 

That is easier said than done. But it's a good direction to bear in mind. Hope is tied to misery. Avoid hope grenades.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Painful. Painful. Painful.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

<<Soca70 - I can't imagine what it must be like to have two months of co-habitating under your belt in the process of separation. You are a champion, really, and deserve a medal!>>

Lucy - Thanks for the kind words. I have another month and a half left until after Christmas and the kids' birthdays on Jan 1. I've ramped up the business travel so I can "escape". The hard part is I feel once she's out, then we're done so this is still kind of a denial stage for me I think. Check with me January and we will see what kind of medal I qualify for. 

I understand your pain and feelings like many here do as I can say this is the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

<<Once the contract is broken you would need a new contract to move forward with that person. Something not filled with guesses and hypothesis. >>

I like this , Orpheus. That's what I've had in mind - not that I'm telling him. We can try to start fresh as two new people, after whatever length of time we are separated. At least, I can hope.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But again, Lucy, please don't hang on to that hope. It really does nothing for you. 

'We can try to start fresh as two new people, after whatever length of time we are separated.'

This is a statement. Nothing more. Don't keep this as a kernel in the back of your mind. Because of what has happened, your situation with him is irrevocably changed. He has changed. 

If you do the work you need to on yourself, to get to a place of healing, you will also be a fundamentally different person. You won't be able to get to that healing if you keep hope of starting over with him in the back of your mind. Start over with you, first. When all is said and done, YOU are the one person you can count on. Every other adult relationship is a bonus. Help your daughter to grow up in a position of personal strength. Show her what a strong, independent woman looks and acts like. It's the most powerful thing you can do for her.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

To underscore 'pixie's response and where you misread me LuMu: Hope will stab you in the fu€king face, steal your wallet and drunk dial all your friends.

Any real reconciliation would have to be as equals. and you're still topping from the doormat position. we need to find the right fulcrum to lift your self esteem to where you can see some horizon. Get there, girl.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

OK, so don't call it hope. What can I call it? I'd be fooling myself if I said I wasn't hoping for a R of some sort with him. I agree that we will be different people, But to give up "hope" feels just wrong.

So what am I calling it? Space? Time? Patience? I may feel like a split personality but I think I can pursue my "own" life and life as a single parent while also knowing I love him and would welcome the opportunity to get to the bottom of our issues, rather than run away from them.

Work on my own issues, right? I can definitely do that. And go out and dance with friends and do road trips and listen to good music. Yes, I can. But slam the door shut on the possibility of a new path that he and I can walk together? I can't do that.

(why do I feel like Meatball right now?)

Thank you for holding me to some hard truths and asking important questions.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't know what one could call it. IF he were the last man on earth, and IF he had a brain and personality transplant, and IF he truly understood what he had done and felt remorse for it, sure I'd consider working on a reconciliation.  Is that realistic? Do I put my life on hold for that? Do I deny myself the possibility of a life with someone who will treat me with genuine love and respect? Do I work on myself and my own part in things with even the remotest thought that it will come in handy in the unlikely event of a reconciliation? No to all the above.

It's hard to believe it now because you're so soon out, but your feelings will evolve as time passes and you are distanced from contact with him. I truly felt the way you do now when I was at your point in the process. Most BSs do.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

Lucy , you can't sit around and wait for him to change his mind ! What if he doesn't ?

You have to move on with your life no matter what ! Go out and have a fun. One day down the road , if you both single, both like each other , both became better persons why not ? 

As my therapist say - how do you know you'll want her back 6 months from now ?

180 , therapy and so on !

REMEMBER !!!!!!!!

Right now you don't have a choice ! You HAVE to move on ! There is NO WAY back !


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

LuMu, I'm sorry. There isn't a palliative that will allow Hope to remain. Hope equals misery. You need to work on that more than you need to keep working on keeping hope alive. You're pining for a make-believe version of your relationship that may have never existed and certainly hasn't existed for the last 2-3 years. 

Hope suggests that you don't have any control. Hope will feed off of you.

Instead, you want to realize that you're a strong woman that has a lot to offer somebody. Today and tomorrow are the things you need to aspire to. The past is just a construct of the mind.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Lucy, I went back and read your other thread again. One thing I'm not clear on from what you've written : How much of this is what he's specifically said to you, and how much are you assuming regarding his hurt, his feelings of betrayal over your initial reaction to his revelation of being transgender? When I read your posts again, I can't help but wonder if _you_ are thinking this is what's inside of him, because it makes sense to you. It's understandable that you're trying to find answers, and often the BS looks to him/herself as the first cause of the problems in the marriage (especially if that's what the WS tells them). 

You've done all that is possible for you to do, and then some. He's been hiding things from you for years. He may very well be humming and seeming happy because of the relief from no longer having to hide things. It's very selfish, yes, but we know he has been selfish through all of this. 

Please take the advice you are hearing here and let him go. At this point, you don't even have a clear picture of what your life with him was like; how much of it was real. And sadly, you may not. He may not have the ability to fill in those gaps for you, even if he offered. 

You say you love him and you feel that he has love for you (in your OP you say 'preserve the love we have for each other'). He is not acting with love, and hasn't for some time. It's easy to say the words. Countless BSs on TAM have been told 'I love you, but I'm not _in love_ with you.' There was no love there of any kind. Love takes more than words, it requires actions, as well. 

I sense how much pain you are in -- it is so evident in your words on both of your threads. I can't help but think that you will feel better with some distance from him. Clarity to see who he really is, to look at the last years of your marriage and what they were really like -- how they compare to a healthy relationship. To look at what a future with him would look like -- based on the actions he's already taken, not based on what you think it could be like.

There are some people who just do not want to put in the hard work required to achieve a successful long-term relationship. They just want the fun part of the early relationship. You can't fix that in him. You can't fix anything in him. You're giving so much of your life, your very self, to him. Take that energy and love and turn it towards you and your daughter.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

lucy mulholland said:


> But I"m not happy!


Sorry to hear you are going thru this. It sucks. I am/was where you are at. I find it a daily struggle to do the 180. But once i started doing the 180 for me, it started to work. I am a better person, better father, in great shape. Im still putting my life back together and its going to take time, but i will do it. Dont worry about getting him back. That will happen, or it wont. There is nothing YOU can do to make that happen. But when you start living for you instead of worrying about what he thinks, you will notice a change for the better. Ive lost about 75 pounds. Regaining muscle where fat used to be. My stbxw's reaction? "You need to quit losing weight, you look sick".....i just laughed and said whatever. The point being I THINK i look great. Everyone i know thinks i look great. What the hell do i care what she thinks? So im supposed to belly up to the buffet and become a disgusting fatbody again because SHE thinks so? 
SCREW THAT. It hurts, it sucks. But there is nothing you can do to change him. Only yourself. So commit yourself to doing it and get on with your life. Live for YOU. End of sermon. Can i get a witness!???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

<<IF he were the last man on earth, and IF he had a brain and personality transplant, and IF he truly understood what he had done and felt remorse for it, sure I'd consider working on a reconciliation.>>


I am taking these last few responses to heart. I know part of my is not getting it - maybe the part of my brain that believes in love and hope and the connection he and I share. 

It doesn't feel doormat-ish to be clear to him about how I feel and express to him by belief that if we truly communicate, we could move forward together. Of course he would have to do work. Of course I'm not indefinitely going to wait or put up with the "learning curve" of finally starting to communicate properly.

But when we've not really even touched on the reasons for our miscommunication, I can't just abandon the project. I know he can, and is. But I think some clarity would help and so I've told him that.

Whether or not this has anything to do with his identification as transgender and his more elaborate, "freer" crossdressing OR NOT (I find it hard to think it doesn't, since he's repressed it for years and then expects me to be instantly okay with it - that causes tension, right?) -- I don't really care at this point. What I care about is him, our daughter, and our relationship together as parents. The future is completely unknown to me, but I'd rather go forward with the knowledge that I did everything I could, tried everything, and remained open to a completely new perspective vis a vis this person (ie. H). 

He may be hurting me, but I've hurt him too. There is some truth to this all and I'm willing to explore all the avenues to find it - even if it means, months down the road, accepting a reality that isn't a R.

In the meantime, we're going to see our counsellor (because he's willing, not because I'm begging him) weekly, work out some money and kidsharing kinks, try to get through Christmas. And generally not see that much of each other inbetween. 

I've got creative projects on the go, friends to go dance with, and lots of love coming to me from far-away friends.


Thank you again for your firm support.

PS. Orpheus - I know, hope is a *****. In a different scenario in my life, my mom had cancer for seven years before she died. There were definite stages of grief - through the diagnosis (me = denial), the treatment (stress), the "recovery" (me= "I knew it would be okay) to her eventual decline. But even when she was moving out of our house into a palliative care unit, I didn't give up. She had been sick so long, maybe it would be another few years? Now, for her sake, I'm glad that it wasn't, but I wasn't giving up, either. That experience of hope, right through to the end, was life-changing for me. Of course it was devastating when she died, and I don't mean to say death and divorce are comparable. But from the perspective of hope, it's like, yes, it sucks to feel it, have expectations, be disappointed (to put it lightly). But I guess I'm just one of those stubborn people who doesn't give up that easily, and I'm willing to take the consequences that come with that.

(I'm young, I know there's a lot of life ahead of me, so a little more time hoping and actually working on my own stuff seems small price to pay for the possibility of R, or at least, of "ending" this relationship with more clarity and love.)

Just another morning ramble...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I certainly understand the feeling of wanting to be true to yourself, Lucy. Making sure that your feelings are expressed, your views on your relationship, etc., is not intrinsically bad. I guess the danger comes in if you have expectations of something coming in return. You know, the old 'If I just explain how I feel, one more time, he'll understand.' I have a feeling you've explained very clearly. 

You need to forgive yourself just as much as you want him to forgive you. It would be even better if he also wanted your forgiveness. 

I think the main things O and I are trying to emphasize is that it's best in the long run to act and believe it's over and live your life in the meantime. Keeping that little bit of hope (if only we could figure out our communication issues, etc.) keeps you in a state of emotional turmoil when he does a kindness out of the blue, but then talks about how awful things were. It keeps you stringing all of those things together as a continuation of your 'relationship' instead of allowing you to treat them as single acts that may or not mean anything more than just a random act, or the result of some issue going on in his mind. 

Your life is still totally entwined in what he does or doesn't do, regardless of the projects you have going on, or the dancing you do, etc.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Yup, you got me. I'm totally entwined. But it's only been 2.5 weeks so I'm going to allow myself to go through some of these feelings, hopes. I do plan on doing a more serious taking stock of our relationship. 

But I don't want to dwell in the past or go back there, NO WAY. I want to move forward and feel the growth and love potential in all this, even if he doesn't get it and we don't get back together. It's all about rewriting the script now.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

LuMu, you may feel that Angel, I and others are backing you into a corner. Nobody's suggesting you not do what you want to. Or to exhaust your fidelity. We are giving you feedback based on your threads and our experiences personal and purloined. 

If you feel you need to make your case then do so with your husband and do so thoroughly. But once you have, stop. When things are this broken it isn't about misperceptions and half measures. Your husband has to do an enormous amount of work figuring out who he is and what he wants and neither of those things are things you can do for him. Or can be done quickly.

Cheers.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Thank you Orpheus.

I realize what I feel is that I haven't thoroughly explained to him what I need to say, to have some peace within myself. there may always be more to say, but for now, I'm going to write him a letter and do my very best to leave it at that.

It is hard to be patient and I can see that the advice to move on is so well-intentioned, and that it is what I need to do once I feel I've said everything I can. 

I am also journalling to get out feelings I don't need to share with him, and seeing an IC.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

^ and that is why you're such a rock star.


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