# Why Am I Not Good Enough?



## MarriedWifeInLove

I'm posting this in the Men's Clubhouse because I want input from men (I'll take women too, but am looking for a man's input).

Why am I not good enough?

Why is it that no matter what I do NOTHING is ever good enough.

- I don't cook well enough

- I don't clean well enough

- I don't handle finances well enough

- I'm not young enough (like I can really turn back the clock?)

- I'm not firm enough (pregnancies and genetics)

- I'm not smart enough - I don't think before I speak

- I'm not a very good mother, hence the reason my children have issues

- I talk too much

- Listen too little

- Don't care

- Too overprotective

And on, and on, and on. While in the meantime, my husband doesn't consider that he has very many faults at all (and I try not to point ANY of them out), because then we revert back to the list above.

If I am not good enough, then why is he still here?

I'm just tired, tired, tired. I make all the sacrifices, all the changes, try to make things better and I'm still not good enough. And the sad part is, I don't think I or anyone else is every going to be.

Is this because HE is insecure and doesn't like himself so he can't be happy or secure with anyone else?

What is the real issue here? I don't know, because he won't discuss it, he's really good at discussing what's wrong with me, but not what the real issues are. And yes, we are in counselling and it is something I will bring up at the next session.

But again, my question - why am I not good enough?

Will I ever be?

Will anyone ever be?


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## nice777guy

I don't know your faults, but what you've listed above are very common things that everyone struggles with.

I would say that even if you aren't perfect (no one is) you still DESERVE to be HAPPY as much as anyone else in the world.

Maybe that means boosting your own self esteem. Maybe it means getting out of your marriage. Or something completely different.

We all have faults and issues. You have to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.


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## MsLonely

Sorry I'm a woman but would love to share a view. 
You will need to show your husband lots of love and passion. When he feels loved, anything you do is enough.
When he doesn't feel loved, no matter how hard you do, he can find 100 things to complain.
I'm not a good enough woman, either but my husband doesn't complain about me because I give him lots of love and attention. I give him lots of hugs and talk sweet to him. I praise him whenever I find a chance. He's very happy with me. So even I'm a, 
Terrible housekeeper, not very good in take care of the kid and I don't even have a job. 
I'm pretty useless because I don't contribute any productivities.
My husband is happy with me and he pays a live in maid to take care of the house.
I just need to be his supportive and lovely wife.
I'm totally useless but because he's deeply loved. I'm already good enough.
Give him lots of love, you are good enough.
In my view, your husband is just whining for more attention, love, probably also more sexual satisfaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AgentD

Is this how YOU see and feel about yourself or how your husband has made you feel over the years?

It all boils down to self esteem and self worth really. I have seen many people be very secure in how they feel about themselves but then get involved with a person who can tear them down emotionally and mentally. However, it will be up to you to build yourself back up. No one else can do that for you, especially someone with an unhealthy mind like your husband who has been through and done the things he has to you etc.


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## greenpearl

If we focus on the negative things, we are doomed to be miserable. 

I have been reading your posts, you are a wife who is trying so hard to rekindle a sweet relationship with your husband. 

You work hard, you do everything at home, you take care of him, you want to have hot sex with him, a lot of good things........

He is missing the point. 

The more negative things we tell our spouses, our spouse get hurt more, feel less confident, and less willing want to do things, the vicious circle will just go on. 

If I start focusing on my husband's imperfection, oh my on my, the list is long, one sentence, he is a loser in his mother's eye, I have to keep on telling his mom that her son is a wonderful man. 

One way to make us happy is to focus the good things our spouses have and compliment them on those things, it will really make them happy and encourage them to be confident and try harder!


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## credamdóchasgra

MWIL...

Yes, i believe it is because he feels insecure in himself, angry, etc.

His injury may be the reason and excuse for all his hurtful treatment of you, but it is seriously injuring YOU in the process.

Has his injury blinded him to the wonderful and beyond "good enough" things about you?

More important---has your attachment to him blinded YOU to those things?

You are a loyal, considerate, empathetic wife, you do your best to make him feel loved the best way you can, you always give him the benefit of the doubt, and you deserve to be loved in kind.

He is not giving you that love.
Can you give yourself that love, so you can receive as well as give?

I don't mean to sound judgmental, and I know I'm far from perfect or all-wise.
I apologize if my words offend you.
I just don't think he's being very nice to you, or has been.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69

I think we have all felt like we were not good enough at some point in our lives, but with everything you have been through I can see WHY you feel that way. Whether you felt that way before your husband or after. 

I can tell you its not likely he will ever make you feel the way you think he should make you feel. He probably will never been able to fully make you feel you're good enough in his eyes, he is not even good enough in his own. Whether its from an injury or not, he probably isn't really capable. I'm not saying its impossible or that people can't change, but sometimes you just have to look at the reality of it all. 

I will also say whether you remain with him or not, until you do some serious soul searching and help yourself turn some things around for YOU, you will probably always feel this way. You need a good support system as well. Its fine to post here, but I mean in RL. Its way past time to take care of you. You have lost yourself because you are completely enmeshed with a person you can not help. I wasn't sure if someone recommend the book "Co dependent no more" to you or not, if so have you been able to read that yet?

I'm reminded of that quote by Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."


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## SimplyAmorous

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> But again, my question - why am I not good enough?
> 
> Will I ever be?
> 
> Will anyone ever be?


 I 2nd what credamdóchasgra said . :iagree:

I would say you ARE good enough and would be totally well beyond what some other men receive in many of their marraiges even. As hard as it may be, we should not judge ourselves totally on our messed up spouses actions/words. Some constructive criticism is OK, but you know this is not what is happening here in your marraige. This is a different animal all together. 

You are living with a man you love having had a brain injury, he is no longer the same man you once knew & loved & received love from. He is ANGRY, Very angry, even more so if he was the self-sufficent type before this injury, probably confused, more impatient, more critical even of himself and everyone around him. And you are caught in the middle of this ongoing WAR. 

It is NOT you, you are a wonderful wife, I think too much so ! It is all him.


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## Mom6547

I am often hesitant to give you my thoughts since you seem quite fragile. AND you have a set of firm beliefs about the go/stay question that I, frankly, don't understand. But here goes just the same. Feel free to disregard this PoV if it does not hold true to you.

Regardless of who your husband was before TBI, you are currently married to an insensitive, selfish, abusive jerk. That TBI can completely change a person's personality I imagine is not in doubt. It is a catastrophic, horrible thing that this change has occurred. But it HAS. 

Your constant devotion allows him to treat you in any which way he sees fit. And he does not see fit to do it nicely. You will be good enough when you show him you are good enough with some SERIOUS HARD CORE limit setting, or some departure the latter you are unwilling to do.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I am often hesitant to give you my thoughts since you seem quite fragile. AND you have a set of firm beliefs about the go/stay question that I, frankly, don't understand. But here goes just the same. Feel free to disregard this PoV if it does not hold true to you.
> 
> Regardless of who your husband was before TBI, you are currently married to an insensitive, selfish, abusive jerk. That TBI can completely change a person's personality I imagine is not in doubt. It is a catastrophic, horrible thing that this change has occurred. But it HAS.
> 
> Your constant devotion allows him to treat you in any which way he sees fit. And he does not see fit to do it nicely. You will be good enough when you show him you are good enough with some SERIOUS HARD CORE limit setting, or some departure the latter you are unwilling to do.


Actually I'm not that fragile and those that know me would be tickled by that definition. I can be quite a tough ole' broad if you will.

I agree, his TBI has turned him into someone I don't even recognize sometimes, but - I still love him as much as ever and sometimes I can't even figure out why.

I am working on the boundary issue, but difficult for me, I'm not a boundary-type person, never have been, so it's hard to change. And also, I've always been afraid that if I set them and they are crossed, then I have to follow through on what I said I would do and that's the scariest part of all - for me.

But I don't disagree with you on any of your points and I don't mind if you "sock it to me" - girl, I can take it - look at what I've already been through - not even a 6'5", 290 lb man can take me down...


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## MarriedWifeInLove

SimplyAmorous said:


> I 2nd what credamdóchasgra said . :iagree:
> 
> I would say you ARE good enough and would be totally well beyond what some other men receive in many of their marraiges even. As hard as it may be, we should not judge ourselves totally on our messed up spouses actions/words. Some constructive criticism is OK, but you know this is not what is happening here in your marraige. This is a different animal all together.
> 
> You are living with a man you love having had a brain injury, he is no longer the same man you once knew & loved & received love from. He is ANGRY, Very angry, even more so if he was the self-sufficent type before this injury, probably confused, more impatient, more critical even of himself and everyone around him. And you are caught in the middle of this ongoing WAR.
> 
> It is NOT you, you are a wonderful wife, I think too much so ! It is all him.


Thanks - I don't always think it's me, but it's hard to hang onto that when you have someone telling you it's you all the time.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

nice777guy said:


> I don't know your faults, but what you've listed above are very common things that everyone struggles with.
> 
> I would say that even if you aren't perfect (no one is) you still DESERVE to be HAPPY as much as anyone else in the world.
> 
> Maybe that means boosting your own self esteem. Maybe it means getting out of your marriage. Or something completely different.
> 
> We all have faults and issues. You have to learn to love and accept yourself for who you are.


And I'm trying. I used to, but with everything that has happened, I've lost me and while I've come a long way in finding me, I still lack the confidence, etc., that I used to have, everything has dragged me down.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

trey69 said:


> You have lost yourself because you are completely enmeshed with a person you can not help. I wasn't sure if someone recommend the book "Co dependent no more" to you or not, if so have you been able to read that yet?
> QUOTE]
> 
> That is exactly what's happened. I have lost myself in taking care of him and I cannot help him, no matter how hard I try.
> 
> I think someone has mentioned the book you referenced above, I'll check it out this afternoon.
> 
> Thanks.


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## michzz

SimplyAmorous said:


> You are living with a man you love having had a brain injury, he is no longer the same man you once knew & loved & received love from. He is ANGRY, Very angry, even more so if he was the self-sufficent type before this injury, probably confused, more impatient, more critical even of himself and everyone around him. And you are caught in the middle of this ongoing WAR.
> 
> It is NOT you, you are a wonderful wife, I think too much so ! It is all him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MarriedWifeInLove

credamdóchasgra said:


> MWIL...
> 
> Yes, i believe it is because he feels insecure in himself, angry, etc.
> 
> His injury may be the reason and excuse for all his hurtful treatment of you, but it is seriously injuring YOU in the process.
> 
> Has his injury blinded him to the wonderful and beyond "good enough" things about you?
> 
> More important---has your attachment to him blinded YOU to those things?
> 
> You are a loyal, considerate, empathetic wife, you do your best to make him feel loved the best way you can, you always give him the benefit of the doubt, and you deserve to be loved in kind.
> 
> He is not giving you that love.
> Can you give yourself that love, so you can receive as well as give?
> 
> I don't mean to sound judgmental, and I know I'm far from perfect or all-wise.
> I apologize if my words offend you.
> I just don't think he's being very nice to you, or has been.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not he isn't and no he hasn't been. At least I'm not so blind that I can't see that I get nothing in return for everything I give.

But I know he's not capable and that it's not even his fault. If it was, then it would be easier for me to leave and be comfortable with that decision.

But it's not that simple - it's not his fault, he does try (he really does, he is in therapy 4 days a week, including counseling and support groups), I'm just wondering if any of that is going to ever help and if the rest of my life is going to be this depressing, unloving roller coaster.

I am not the person I used to be - I used to be extremely confident, self-assured, independent, etc., and all that flew out the window when all the issues started.

But, I am trying to pull back. Last night when he was grumpy, I felt the need to try and help, but decided that I didn't need the grief, I wasn't grumpy and didn't need to be, so I left him alone and went to bed by myself. 

So I try - but it's hard to keep your chin up when crap is always hitting the fan and when you have someone constantly telling you what's wrong with you - if it was just a few areas or certain things, then I could just ignore them - but it's everything and after a while it starts to make you feel that maybe they're right.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

greenpearl said:


> If we focus on the negative things, we are doomed to be miserable.
> 
> I have been reading your posts, you are a wife who is trying so hard to rekindle a sweet relationship with your husband.
> 
> You work hard, you do everything at home, you take care of him, you want to have hot sex with him, a lot of good things........
> 
> He is missing the point.
> 
> The more negative things we tell our spouses, our spouse get hurt more, feel less confident, and less willing want to do things, the vicious circle will just go on.
> 
> If I start focusing on my husband's imperfection, oh my on my, the list is long, one sentence, he is a loser in his mother's eye, I have to keep on telling his mom that her son is a wonderful man.
> 
> One way to make us happy is to focus the good things our spouses have and compliment them on those things, it will really make them happy and encourage them to be confident and try harder!


Very, very hard to focus on positive when someone is constantly dragging you down with the negative. 

I try my best to NOT point out his imperfections because it only makes things worse - so I compromise, keep my mouth shut (most of the time, sometimes I just blow), but that doesn't keep him from detailing every one of my failings - even those in the past that I've apologized for and can't change. But it does not good.

If I suck that much, then why is HE still hanging around?


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## MarriedWifeInLove

AgentD said:


> Is this how YOU see and feel about yourself or how your husband has made you feel over the years?
> 
> It all boils down to self esteem and self worth really. I have seen many people be very secure in how they feel about themselves but then get involved with a person who can tear them down emotionally and mentally. However, it will be up to you to build yourself back up. No one else can do that for you, especially someone with an unhealthy mind like your husband who has been through and done the things he has to you etc.


No, actually I don't see myself this way (or I didn't), it's how he makes me feel.

I've been trying to build myself back up, but it's hard to do when you have someone in your ear tearing you back down. 

I don't have the type of personality that can just turn my back and not let it get to me, just totally ignore it and not let it sting - that's just not me. In other words, I can't s*** all over someone and sleep like a baby - don't have it in me.

But...I'm trying.


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## AgentD

"Very, very hard to focus on positive when someone is constantly dragging you down with the negative"

*My question is if he continues being negative to you and dragging you down, what is your plan? What if you see no real change and he just keeps on dragging you down? And while its good to take things one day at a time, its still good to think of the what if's in case it never happens.

"If I suck that much, then why is HE still hanging around?"

*Well I would imagine he loves you in his own way and to the best of his ability, but perhaps it could be along the lines of anything from control, to dependence. No one knows for sure, maybe even he doesn't.


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## credamdóchasgra

I hear you---you see him in therapy all that time so it gives you reasonable hope that at some point you'll see certain effects of it.

It may be true that he can't help a lot of it though he is trying.

He's in a way "disabled," so you lower your expectations and take care of yourself.
But in the process, it does cause you both physical and emotional damage.

I'm not judging or telling you what to do, just sharing my observations.

I agree that It's not you, but being near him warps your certainty of that and makes you doubt yourself.

Is there any way you can step away from him for awhile, to clear your own mind, self-perceptions, and perception of the relationship?
It sounds like his constant blaming of you doesn't help you know that you ARE doing your best and ARE good enough.
Are you close enough to any family or friends where you can stay for a few weeks with yourself and not with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I am working on the boundary issue, but difficult for me, I'm not a boundary-type person, never have been, so it's hard to change. And also, I've always been afraid that if I set them and they are crossed, then I have to follow through on what I said I would do and that's the scariest part of all - for me.


If it is any consolation, that is the scariest part for most of us. I know it scared the hell out of me. What if chooses to say to hell with you and your boundaries?



> But I don't disagree with you on any of your points and I don't mind if you "sock it to me" - girl, I can take it - look at what I've already been through - not even a 6'5", 290 lb man can take me down...


Not trying to sock it to you! Just be gentle with the message so I don't do any more harm than has already done!


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## Big Bear

If my wife constantly berated me with a list as long and superfluous as the one you laid out I would wonder what's wrong with her, not me (assuming I'm living up to MY expectations of my self). So really, you are the only one that can answer why you're not good enough. I think some guys try to wear down women with "you do a bad job but if you do a better job I can be nicer to you". I'm ashamed to say I used to be just like that, and the control was the big payoff for me. Until one day my girlfriend at the time came up to me and said the following:
"Your a good guy, but this relationship has become verbally abusive and I don't deserve it. The very least I will accept is your respect, otherwise we need to end this relationship". I was shocked, and angry at her for having a spine but I really wanted to be with her. And I believed her threat of leaving so my choices were either grow up or find someone willing to take my crap. That was fifteen years ago and we've been married now for the last eleven. Looking back I realize she never asked me to change, she only gave me the option. I could take it or leave it and the consequence of my decision was made very clear to me. I hope that helps you a little. 

Bear


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## trey69

Just out of curiosity, did you say you both were in counseling? Are you in MC or IC or both? What are some things the counselor has suggested when things arise that he is doing or that bothers you? Have they given you any suggestions on things to do? Also has the counselor suggested for you to seek out abuse support groups in your area?


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## southbound

MsLonely said:


> Sorry I'm a woman but would love to share a view.
> You will need to show your husband lots of love and passion. When he feels loved, anything you do is enough.
> When he doesn't feel loved, no matter how hard you do, he can find 100 things to complain.
> I'm not a good enough woman, either but my husband doesn't complain about me because I give him lots of love and attention. I give him lots of hugs and talk sweet to him. I praise him whenever I find a chance. He's very happy with me. So even I'm a,
> Terrible housekeeper, not very good in take care of the kid and I don't even have a job.
> I'm pretty useless because I don't contribute any productivities.
> My husband is happy with me and he pays a live in maid to take care of the house.
> I just need to be his supportive and lovely wife.
> I'm totally useless but because he's deeply loved. I'm already good enough.
> Give him lots of love, you are good enough.
> In my view, your husband is just whining for more attention, love, probably also more sexual satisfaction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm a guy, and I'll have to agree with this. I'm not by nature a mean guy, but now that i look back, I think I was complaining and giving her the "not good enough" treatment without fully realizing it. Our sex life wasn't too good in the last several years and I felt neglected and not loved. On the flip side, I'm sure there were things about our relationship that caused her to not have a higher sex drive. I always thought it was a tough situation: I needed the sexual interaction to give her the emotional needs, and she needed the emotional things to give me sex, so once that derails, it's very tough to get back on.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

credamdóchasgra said:


> I hear you---you see him in therapy all that time so it gives you reasonable hope that at some point you'll see certain effects of it.
> 
> It may be true that he can't help a lot of it though he is trying.
> 
> He's in a way "disabled," so you lower your expectations and take care of yourself.
> But in the process, it does cause you both physical and emotional damage.
> 
> I'm not judging or telling you what to do, just sharing my observations.
> 
> I agree that It's not you, but being near him warps your certainty of that and makes you doubt yourself.
> 
> Is there any way you can step away from him for awhile, to clear your own mind, self-perceptions, and perception of the relationship?
> It sounds like his constant blaming of you doesn't help you know that you ARE doing your best and ARE good enough.
> Are you close enough to any family or friends where you can stay for a few weeks with yourself and not with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, we're retired military and not from the area we live in. I have no family here and my close friends are elsewhere too. 

We have no close friends together anymore because he is unable to be in crowds or around people for very long before he gets irritated.

And, I can't leave my job for that long.

So I am trying to pull back and just take time for myself, but difficult because I have to make sure he takes his meds, eats, etc. So I can't just leave him, he is unable to take care of himself without some help (which he has admitted also).

So....


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## Mom6547

MsLonely said:


> Sorry I'm a woman but would love to share a view.
> You will need to show your husband lots of love and passion.


Have you read any of her posts?


Shall I say, MWIL, that I disagree about 150% with MsLonely as it relates to your situation?


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## MarriedWifeInLove

trey69 said:


> Just out of curiosity, did you say you both were in counseling? Are you in MC or IC or both? What are some things the counselor has suggested when things arise that he is doing or that bothers you? Have they given you any suggestions on things to do? Also has the counselor suggested for you to seek out abuse support groups in your area?


We are in MC and IC - both. It just so happens that our counselor (the same - a man - we both like him) is a psychologist and neuro-psychologist and has been treating my husband due to his neuro incidents since his injury in 2008. 

So he is well aware of what the issues are from his side, my side and us together. 

During my sessions, his input has been:

- You have to take care of yourself and get a hobby, quit just focusing on him (what you guys have said).
- The brain is a funny thing, and based on his behavior, the damage to certain parts of his brain are not his fault, but you cannot allow him to use them as an excuse (what you guys have said).
- I need to react differently towards him when there are issues because he cannot reason as he used to - when I argue with him it's like talking to a wall, his reasoning is now flawed. This I am still learning and I've learned a lot.
- That I expect too much, too soon. Its only two years out and while there has been a lot of brain recovery, I have to give everything time (I can be impatient, but I've changed this a lot in response to his issues).
- He's not the man you used to be married too, either accept what you have or leave (I've made that decision, but its harder to live with than I thought, I'm still working through this).
- I am NOT the problem - I need to quit taking things personally and believe that I'm the issue here - I'm not (what you guys have said).
- Walk away, keep telling myself that it's not me, I'm okay, etc., etc. (what you guys have said).

While all of the above makes perfect sense to me - I am a smart, experienced, college-educated woman, applying it in theory and living it day-to-day has become an entirely different ballgame for me.

He had me make this list about the things I found positive about my husband and the things I found positive about myself and I posted them to my bathroom mirror so I would see them everyday. I took it down a few months ago, perhaps it needs to go back up - I think I'll create another list today and post it up when I get home, that did help some, I'll try it again.

I did increase our counselling sessions after the Christmas "incident." So we will be meeting more with the counselor separately and together. 

I'm at the point where something has to give, something, doesn't matter how little or big, just something that I can hang onto, something that will give me some type of hope.

I love this man, I can't just walk - I really can't. I'm just trying my hardest to deal with what I have and have a semblance of some type of happy life. 

God I'm in such a pity party these days - I know others have it worse, but this is as bad as it gets for me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

AgentD said:


> "Very, very hard to focus on positive when someone is constantly dragging you down with the negative"
> 
> *My question is if he continues being negative to you and dragging you down, what is your plan? What if you see no real change and he just keeps on dragging you down? And while its good to take things one day at a time, its still good to think of the what if's in case it never happens.
> 
> "If I suck that much, then why is HE still hanging around?"
> 
> *Well I would imagine he loves you in his own way and to the best of his ability, but perhaps it could be along the lines of anything from control, to dependence. No one knows for sure, maybe even he doesn't.


I don't have a plan. My "plan" right now is to stick it out and keep looking for that glimmer of change or improvement.

He has come a longggg way since this happened. Maybe that's all the improvement he's going to get, I don't know - not even his doctor's know.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Big Bear said:


> If my wife constantly berated me with a list as long and superfluous as the one you laid out I would wonder what's wrong with her, not me (assuming I'm living up to MY expectations of my self). So really, you are the only one that can answer why you're not good enough. I think some guys try to wear down women with "you do a bad job but if you do a better job I can be nicer to you". I'm ashamed to say I used to be just like that, and the control was the big payoff for me. Until one day my girlfriend at the time came up to me and said the following:
> "Your a good guy, but this relationship has become verbally abusive and I don't deserve it. The very least I will accept is your respect, otherwise we need to end this relationship". I was shocked, and angry at her for having a spine but I really wanted to be with her. And I believed her threat of leaving so my choices were either grow up or find someone willing to take my crap. That was fifteen years ago and we've been married now for the last eleven. Looking back I realize she never asked me to change, she only gave me the option. I could take it or leave it and the consequence of my decision was made very clear to me. I hope that helps you a little.
> 
> Bear


Don't think I haven't thought of this type of ultimate - I talk to myself about it all the time (oh, and I answer myself too!). Hey, the best person to talk to is yourself, right?

But, like I've said before - I guess I'm afraid of what the answer would be.


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## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I love this man,


This is the bit I find most baffling. Why? What the hell is in it for you? Besides possible codependency issues? Again. Blunt. It is a true mystery to me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

southbound said:


> I'm a guy, and I'll have to agree with this. I'm not by nature a mean guy, but now that i look back, I think I was complaining and giving her the "not good enough" treatment without fully realizing it. Our sex life wasn't too good in the last several years and I felt neglected and not loved. On the flip side, I'm sure there were things about our relationship that caused her to not have a higher sex drive. I always thought it was a tough situation: I needed the sexual interaction to give her the emotional needs, and she needed the emotional things to give me sex, so once that derails, it's very tough to get back on.


Part of our issue too, but hard to get back on track when one side is holding anger, resentment and frustration that their life is not what it used to be, they can't focus on the fact that while his injury affected him directly, it affected me indirectly. 

But then again, that's part of the issue - his brain doesn't work right anymore, so he can't care about everyone else around him, he has a hard enough time just focusing on getting better and doing the things he needs to do for himself (his words, actually), and our counselor says that is not a surprise - he's trying to get better, he is going to focus solely on himself - my issues pale in comparison to what he's going through (and that's true).

He has been through PT, OT and speech therapy and is back in PT and speech therapy due to lingering issues. Can't speak right all the time, can't swallow his food sometimes and chokes, still does not have good balance when he walks and falls, etc. He's got some major issues he is still dealing with. I am too and maybe that's part of the problem - I can't dump it on him, just my counselor, can't see my counselor everyday (couldn't afford the co-pay daily), no family/friends in the area. The only place I have where I can get it out anytime I need to is here - pretty sad, I know.


----------



## nice777guy

vthomeschoolmom said:


> This is the bit I find most baffling. Why? What the hell is in it for you? Besides possible codependency issues? Again. Blunt. It is a true mystery to me.


Its love - not a business decision. 

Reason and logic do not always apply.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Pandakiss said:


> YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH....
> stop the negative loop going over in your head.
> its hard when your husband says hurtful things, if you believe its his illness, then take it with a grain of salt.
> 
> i think we all have a negative loop in our minds, the trick is to flip it to a possitive. just like when we were in school and you could make fun of anybodys name or clothes or shoes. take, im not a good mother---the mother i am is good.


I do this sometimes, just not all the time. When he says something negative, I'll tell myself - I am a good wife, I am a good person and if he can't see that, then f*** him!

It does make me feel better when I do it, I guess I need to do it more often.

I did last night and just went to bed and let him be grumpy by himself and didn't worry about him, just went to bed and watched MY TV shows and left him alone.

This would be a boundary and I held fast to it last night. I took the stance of, you want to be grumpy, fine - I don't and so I'll leave you to be grumpy by youself and do something that makes me feel better and I did. Just need to do it more often.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> This is the bit I find most baffling. Why? What the hell is in it for you? Besides possible codependency issues? Again. Blunt. It is a true mystery to me.


Love is not about what's in it for me. That's not what true love is really about - look it up.

True love is about showing care, love and support to another person and not "expecting" anything in return. That's actual love in motion. 

Now, since we're human, it's hard not to expect nothing in return and I'm no different. I just want a little crumb is all.

I don't know if there are co-dependency issues, have to read up on that. I know that I am perfectly capable of living without him. I'm educated, employed, have military retirement of my own and VA disability and I actually make more money than he does - money is not the issue. I'm attractive for my age, in good shape, have a great sense of humor, intelligent with a lot of skills and things going for me (everyone keeps telling me this!), and there are plenty of men out there who would love to have me by their side.

But, I don't want any other man - I love this one. I can't explain it, I just do. When I look at him it's like when I first fell in love with him, my heart gets warm, knees get weak, you name it.

I know you find it baffling with all I've been through - well, you're not alone - so do I and everyone who knows me.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

nice777guy said:


> Its love - not a business decision.
> 
> Reason and logic do not always apply.


:iagree: Boy is that true - that's why we royally screw up sometimes!


----------



## Mom6547

nice777guy said:


> its love - not a business decision.
> 
> Reason and logic do not always apply.


heresy!


----------



## Big Bear

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Love is not about what's in it for me. That's not what true love is really about - look it up.
> 
> True love is about showing care, love and support to another person and not "expecting" anything in return. That's actual love in motion. .


I may be the exception, but I don't know how someone could care, love, and support me yet have no expectations of me. I don't see how I could respect that person. I think that's what co-dependancy is in a nutshell, but there are several others who know more about that than I. 

Bear


----------



## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Love is not about what's in it for me. That's not what true love is really about - look it up.


Yah. Sometimes it IS. Love is never one sided. That is codependency. That is OVER caring. That is not love. Love reciprocated dies.

When one is looking at whether or not they are making good judgments in a situation, which AFAIC is far more important than love, one has to ask oneself things like what's in it for me. Am I giving so much of myself as to have become mentally unhealthy and lacking in judgment. Am I allowing myself to use love as an excuse to allow myself to be abused? 

Go to ANY battered woman's shelter and ask them if they love their husbands.




> True love is about showing care, love and support to another person and not "expecting" anything in return. That's actual love in motion.


And receiving. One sided "love" is not love at all.



> Now, since we're human, it's hard not to expect nothing in return and I'm no different. I just want a little crumb is all.


I respectfully submit that you are worth more than a crumb.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> heresy!


Can't find this in the dictionary??


----------



## Trenton

MarriedWifeInLove, is it love that keeps you there or fear of being alone?

I'm not saying it has to be the later. I do believe in true love. It's just that when you're getting hurt so much that it borders on full blown abuse, regardless of the justification, you're a good person and deserve better. It's possible you're enabling him and he won't recover until he realizes he has to recover.


----------



## nice777guy

Trenton said:


> MarriedWifeInLove, is it love that keeps you there or fear of being alone?
> 
> I'm not saying it has to be the later. I do believe in true love. It's just that when you're getting hurt so much that it borders on full blown abuse, regardless of the justification, you're a good person and deserve better. It's possible you're enabling him and he won't recover until he realizes he has to recover.


Sorry for being behind a bit, but how likely is he to recover and to what extent?

"...in sickness and in health..."


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Trenton said:


> MarriedWifeInLove, is it love that keeps you there or fear of being alone?
> 
> I'm not saying it has to be the later. I do believe in true love. It's just that when you're getting hurt so much that it borders on full blown abuse, regardless of the justification, you're a good person and deserve better. It's possible you're enabling him and he won't recover until he realizes he has to recover.


I've been asked that question before.

It's love that keeps me there - not fear of being alone. I don't fear being alone, I have a lot of people that care about me and so I don't really fear that its fear of being alone.

Maybe it is and I don't recognize it.

But I do know how I feel about my husband and I do love him, maybe to the detriment of my own needs - that's probably true - but its how I am with everyone I love, my husband, my children, etc. I usually sacrifice for those I love and usually to my own detriment.

Guess I'm just screwed and screwed up, huh?


----------



## Trenton

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I've been asked that question before.
> 
> It's love that keeps me there - not fear of being alone. I don't fear being alone, I have a lot of people that care about me and so I don't really fear that its fear of being alone.
> 
> Maybe it is and I don't recognize it.
> 
> But I do know how I feel about my husband and I do love him, maybe to the detriment of my own needs - that's probably true - but its how I am with everyone I love, my husband, my children, etc. I usually sacrifice for those I love and usually to my own detriment.
> 
> Guess I'm just screwed and screwed up, huh?


My concern is that you may love your husband to the detriment of his recovery as well. Do you see what I'm saying here?

We're all screwed and screwed up so don't worry so much about that one.


----------



## Trenton

nice777guy said:


> Sorry for being behind a bit, but how likely is he to recover and to what extent?
> 
> "...in sickness and in health..."


I believe for MarriedWifeInLove the relationship did at one point recently turn into him physically abusing her to the point of her going to the ER after some good guidance from the forum. I don't feel that any woman or man should stay in a situation where they are in physical danger. I think if that is the case the man or woman needs to find a way back to stable on their own before re-embracing their husband or wife. I'm not suggesting she divorce. I'm suggesting that she allow him time to get the help he needs so that they can both have a more fulfilling relationship.

I'm not sure about his recovery for that you'd have to ask MarriedWifeInLove.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

nice777guy said:


> Sorry for being behind a bit, but how likely is he to recover and to what extent?
> 
> "...in sickness and in health..."


They don't know, brain injuries are unpreditable, some people come back fully, others don't.

It's possible that I am stuck with what I have.

And I don't know if I'm equipped to continue to deal with it. 

That's what I'm struggling with now, hence the reason for this thread.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Trenton said:


> My concern is that you may love your husband to the detriment of his recovery as well. Do you see what I'm saying here?
> 
> We're all screwed and screwed up so don't worry so much about that one.


I hear exactly what you're saying, and that's what I'm trying to work on - boundaries.


----------



## Trenton

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I hear exactly what you're saying, and that's what I'm trying to work on - boundaries.


I believe you will get there. You are doing everything you can to try to understand and make things work.


----------



## nice777guy

Of course if he were sick with cancer, you would be encouraged to stay. You would even be looked down on if you left.

But cancer wouldn't likely lead him to abuse you.

I remember one of your other threads clearly now.

Whatever you do, you need to keep yourself safe.


----------



## Mom6547

nice777guy said:


> Sorry for being behind a bit, but how likely is he to recover and to what extent?


When my father suffered a massive TBI, much worse than Mr MWIL, vegatative and all that for months, the word was the recovery was done in the first year. After that, little of very, very slow progress was possible but unlikely. Degredation was more likely. That was, unfortunately, teh case for my father.



> "...in sickness and in health..."


Including when his personality changes to such a degree as to beat the ever loving [email protected] out of you? I don't think so.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

nice777guy said:


> Of course if he were sick with cancer, you would be encouraged to stay. You would even be looked down on if you left.
> 
> But cancer wouldn't likely lead him to abuse you.
> 
> I remember one of your other threads clearly now.
> 
> Whatever you do, you need to keep yourself safe.


If I feel I'm not safe, trust me, I will leave.

The incident as I refer to it wasn't all his fault. It truly wasn't.

It's sort of like a patient with dementia or ahlzheimer's, this is a disease of the brain that causes personality, temper issues, etc. Damage (injury) to the brain can cause the same lingering after affects.

People with those diseases also do things they are not totally responsible for - set fires, take their clothes off and run down the street, hit their caretakers, etc.

Same concept, just different methods of injury - but, brain injuries can cause some odd behaviors that the injured person can't understand and at times can't control.

I've been to counselling with his neuro-psychologist for almost a year now and I've learned a lot about brain injuries.

They believe, based on his behaviors, that he has damage to his hypothalamus and frontal center lobe. These dictate impulse control, anger, ability to control ones actions, decision making, reasoning - a lot of what the brain does each day.

So, while it doesn't make the behavior acceptable, when your brain is damaged and you can't control it, or aren't aware of what is even happening, how in the world can you hold that against someone? 

Maybe some of the people on TAM can, but I can't. And that's the bottom line - I'm not going to leave him based on conditions he cannot control - I'm trying to learn how to deal with them, react properly to them and help him and myself in the process.

It's a hard road - it's been 2 years post-injury and I'm still trying to figure it out. Maybe I'll always be trying to adjust, I don't know. I just know I'm frustrated, depressed and am trying to find that light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting it out here, getting support and advice helps.

I don't have a magic wand to wave it all away and I don't expect anyone on TAM to have one either. But listening and supporting is a big help and it helps me to relieve some of the stress just getting it out in writing.

Perhaps people are just getting sick of hearing about it - probably, but everyone is getting sick of hearing about it and I don't have many places to turn to.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> When my father suffered a massive TBI, much worse than Mr MWIL, vegatative and all that for months, the word was the recovery was done in the first year. After that, little of very, very slow progress was possible but unlikely. Degredation was more likely. That was, unfortunately, teh case for my father.
> 
> 
> 
> Including when his personality changes to such a degree as to beat the ever loving [email protected] out of you? I don't think so.


And you're right, that's true. Recovery that doesn't happen in the first 6 months to a year indicates that further recovery may not happen. True, but I don't like to focus all my energies on that because then I won't have anything to cling to, now will I?

His injury was in 2008, last month was the first time since the injury and the only time in our 27 years together (married 26 on the 26th of this month) that he has EVER put a hand on me. And, since this incident, he still hasn't put a hand on me. Is it something I should probably be vigilant of? Sure, I'd be stupid if I wasn't. But am I going to get up each morning and wonder if "this is the day" he might lose it again - no, what kind of life would I really have if I was scared every day - I won't live like that.

Instead of focusing on what happened last month, I'm trying to move forward. Moving backwards doesn't do him or myself any good.

I'm going to do some reading and research on co-dependency and see if that might help.


----------



## nice777guy

No - not getting sick of hearing about it. 

I know you mentioned Alzheimer's - which I was already thinking about. Sometimes, sadly, its in everyone's best interest to have a person removed from their home and family. If he's stronger than you, and you can't handle him, then both of you are at risk.

Of course with Alzheimer's there are in-patient treatment centers (basically nursing homes). But not sure what you could really do in your case - besides remove yourself from the home.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> When my father suffered a massive TBI, much worse than Mr MWIL, vegatative and all that for months, the word was the recovery was done in the first year. After that, little of very, very slow progress was possible but unlikely. Degredation was more likely. That was, unfortunately, teh case for my father.
> 
> 
> 
> Including when his personality changes to such a degree as to beat the ever loving [email protected] out of you? I don't think so.


And just to throw out something for you to think about. You say that in your father's case, degradation occurred. What if he had hit your mother, would she have left, would you have disowned him as your father? Especially if you knew he wasn't conscious of what he was doing?

My husband's neuro was not surprised at what happened - what does that tell you? Its not unusual for someone with a brain injury to lash out emotionally, verbally or physically. My husband is not the first patient he has that has done any of the three and won't be the last.

It's like my counselor says - it is what it is. How I choose to deal with it and live with it is the key. THAT'S what I'm working on.


----------



## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And you're right, that's true. Recovery that doesn't happen in the first 6 months to a year indicates that further recovery may not happen. True, but I don't like to focus all my energies on that because then I won't have anything to cling to, now will I?


So you cling to false hope. You cling to .... what, exactly? Fantasy? 



> His injury was in 2008, last month was the first time since the injury and the only time in our 27 years together (married 26 on the 26th of this month) that he has EVER put a hand on me. And, since this incident, he still hasn't put a hand on me. Is it something I should probably be vigilant of? Sure, I'd be stupid if I wasn't. But am I going to get up each morning and wonder if "this is the day" he might lose it again - no, what kind of life would I really have if I was scared every day - I won't live like that.


Ok so that nicely pretends THAT risk is not real. How about admitting to you that you are the least important thing in your world? 

Look you say it is a matter of love. It sure doesn't look like that from here. It looks like some kind of magic thinking. I'm against that. It tends to get people HURT.


I wish you the best.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

nice777guy said:


> No - not getting sick of hearing about it.
> 
> I know you mentioned Alzheimer's - which I was already thinking about. Sometimes, sadly, its in everyone's best interest to have a person removed from their home and family. If he's stronger than you, and you can't handle him, then both of you are at risk.
> 
> Of course with Alzheimer's there are in-patient treatment centers (basically nursing homes). But not sure what you could really do in your case - besides remove yourself from the home.


And if it ever gets to the point where that is necessary - I will look at that option.

There are numerous doctors following his case/issues. More than one psychiatrist, a neuro, a neuro-psychologist, a PTSD specialist, etc. They KNOW what's going on - they are working with him, watching him, keeping in touch about his meds, etc. In fact, my cell phone # is the only # they have - they deal with me on his care, meds, etc. And I call them when there are issues that need to be addressed. I've personally taken him to the VA and/or VA ER when needed.

I'm just worn out and looking for support.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> So you cling to false hope. You cling to .... what, exactly? Fantasy?
> 
> 
> Ok so that nicely pretends THAT risk is not real. How about admitting to you that you are the least important thing in your world?
> 
> Look you say it is a matter of love. It sure doesn't look like that from here. It looks like some kind of magic thinking. I'm against that. It tends to get people HURT.
> 
> 
> I wish you the best.


Call it false hope, call it fantasy, whatever - I have to cling to something or I'd go nuts.

No, there is a risk and I'm aware of and cognizant of that risk. And no, I don't believe I'm the least important thing in my world. I'm as important as anyone else in it. I don't feel like that today, but I know it deep down.

I'm doing the best I can, it might not be the choice others, including you, would make, but I'm doing my best.

I'm just looking for an outlet to vent and get support. That's all, it's that simple, at least for me.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> So you cling to false hope. You cling to .... what, exactly? Fantasy?
> 
> 
> Ok so that nicely pretends THAT risk is not real. How about admitting to you that you are the least important thing in your world?
> 
> Look you say it is a matter of love. It sure doesn't look like that from here. It looks like some kind of magic thinking. I'm against that. It tends to get people HURT.
> 
> 
> I wish you the best.


I know you're just trying to help and I really do appreciate that.

The situation seems cut and dried to you, but it doesn't to me, not at all.

Thanks for the best wishes.


----------



## Mom6547

They continue to be yours.


----------



## trey69

MWIL, thanks for the reply to my question earlier, but didn't see where you answered if the counselor had made any recommendations for you to attend a support group for abuse? I was just wondering because its one of the first things that was suggested to my wifes friend who had been abused by her husband when she first went to see a therapist. 

It would be a support group you would attend just like a person in alanon would that was involved with an alcoholic. Brain injury or not, he did abuse you. I'm in no way making light of his brain injury and I know its something he can't help, however, his brain injury has been mentioned alot here for some of his behavior, and while I understand that, I hope thats not what it is you are clinging too, as in his brain injury being used as a crutch, or a justification for things. I'm not saying they are, I just hope his illness is not used as an excuse to stay. I know you love him, but fear and taking pity on one can be used as to why some stay as well.


----------



## MsLonely

Is it possible that your husband's suffering from low testosterone? Men who suffer from low testosterone can't feel happy and tend to be negative & passive.

In that case, it's medical & he needs testosterone treatment asap. Because he will shut himself down, seeking validations from porn. It's a manhood crisis.

It could be low testosterone, a serious manhood crisis. A healthy man with a healthy testosterone level is a happy man. 

I'd recommand you to bring him for a blood test.


----------



## credamdóchasgra

I would agree that you're likely codependent in this marriage.

Unless you could totally emotionally detach from him and turn off your needs that a partner with an un-injured brain could meet, I don't see how you can remain in this and be fulfilled.

I still think getting away for yourself for even a weekend would be good for you, but you seem tied to regulating his meds and caring for him.
---this is codependence, albeit life-dependent in a way. That's what makes it so hard.

He's in survival mode and dependent on you to care for him, but you're not receiving as much on your side.
So you also are in survival mode.

I feel for you, but/and I guess it begs a question...

What are your "nuts"? If that term doesn't sit well, then what is nonnegotiable for you? 
What do you need, what must you absolutely have, in order to be happy?

What would go on that list?

I don't know how helpful this is, since the hardest change may be the one that could bring you happiness.
But I do wish you the best and want to offer you support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Crankshaw

he is obviously the one with the issues, by the sounds of it (and I am very new here) you are a great, tolerant wife


----------



## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And just to throw out something for you to think about. You say that in your father's case, degradation occurred. What if he had hit your mother, would she have left, would you have disowned him as your father? Especially if you knew he wasn't conscious of what he was doing?


My heart hurts reading that. In Dad's case, it would have meant an ability to lift his arm! Even stand, perhaps. But obviously that is not the point.

As his daughter, I would have no cause to disown him. I could see to his care with some measure of detachment.

Do not think my opinion stems solely from the one instance of physical abuse. His entire person has changed to include not valuing you at all. If he or you ever intend to have some kind of actual and real interpersonal relationship, you have to stop pretending this IS one. In my opinion, you are doing him no particular favors. (In the interpersonal, emotional department. It sounds like you provide a great deal of physical and health support which is likely very important and useful to him.)

In my mother's case, I had advocated that she spend less of her energies on caring for Dad herself as it was causing her mental anguish of a serious order, rocking HER to her foundations.

If she was in your shoes; young, without any real serious hope that he would return, risk of abuse lingering, no actual comfort in the current situation, I would strongly advocate she and the kids (us) look to his care and feeding and get the heck out.



> My husband's neuro was not surprised at what happened - what does that tell you? Its not unusual for someone with a brain injury to lash out emotionally, verbally or physically. My husband is not the first patient he has that has done any of the three and won't be the last.


Of course not. How does that impact the state of your marriage?



> It's like my counselor says - it is what it is. How I choose to deal with it and live with it is the key. THAT'S what I'm working on.


As is your right. I continue to hope for the very best in any decision you make!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

trey69 said:


> MWIL, thanks for the reply to my question earlier, but didn't see where you answered if the counselor had made any recommendations for you to attend a support group for abuse? I was just wondering because its one of the first things that was suggested to my wifes friend who had been abused by her husband when she first went to see a therapist.
> 
> It would be a support group you would attend just like a person in alanon would that was involved with an alcoholic. Brain injury or not, he did abuse you. I'm in no way making light of his brain injury and I know its something he can't help, however, his brain injury has been mentioned alot here for some of his behavior, and while I understand that, I hope thats not what it is you are clinging too, as in his brain injury being used as a crutch, or a justification for things. I'm not saying they are, I just hope his illness is not used as an excuse to stay. I know you love him, but fear and taking pity on one can be used as to why some stay as well.


No, the counselor has not suggested a support group for abuse and he, nor I feel there is a physical abuse issue. I am in, and have been in a support group for spouses who have brain injuries and PTSD to learn how to support him and how to take care of myself, relieve stress, etc. It has helped a lot and I also speak to a counselor on their staff too. So I am in counseling with a neuro-psychologist and a psychiatrist. As is my husband.

I'm trying NOT TO use his brain injury and PTSD as an excuse for behavior, but it is hard to separate the two when most, if not all, of his current behaviors did not exist prior to the injury, these are post-injury issues. But, I hear what you're saying and agree. I'm working on accountability and boundaries, it's just not going to happen overnight for me.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

MsLonely said:


> Is it possible that your husband's suffering from low testosterone? Men who suffer from low testosterone can't feel happy and tend to be negative & passive.
> 
> In that case, it's medical & he needs testosterone treatment asap. Because he will shut himself down, seeking validations from porn. It's a manhood crisis.
> 
> It could be low testosterone, a serious manhood crisis. A healthy man with a healthy testosterone level is a happy man.
> 
> I'd recommand you to bring him for a blood test.


Already been checked and his testosterone is at normal levels, no drop.

He is depressed, based on his limitations and is on Paxil (a double dose twice a day), along with Seroquel and Klonipin (when needed).

They do help.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

credamdóchasgra said:


> I would agree that you're likely codependent in this marriage.
> 
> Unless you could totally emotionally detach from him and turn off your needs that a partner with an un-injured brain could meet, I don't see how you can remain in this and be fulfilled.
> 
> I still think getting away for yourself for even a weekend would be good for you, but you seem tied to regulating his meds and caring for him.
> ---this is codependence, albeit life-dependent in a way. That's what makes it so hard.
> 
> He's in survival mode and dependent on you to care for him, but you're not receiving as much on your side.
> So you also are in survival mode.
> 
> I feel for you, but/and I guess it begs a question...
> 
> What are your "nuts"? If that term doesn't sit well, then what is nonnegotiable for you?
> What do you need, what must you absolutely have, in order to be happy?
> 
> What would go on that list?
> 
> I don't know how helpful this is, since the hardest change may be the one that could bring you happiness.
> But I do wish you the best and want to offer you support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I'm working on, to be perfectly honest, at this time - I have no non-negotiables - I just don't.

What I need to be happy is pretty simple.

Feel loved - that's it. Everything else is just window dressing. I just want to feel like I matter in the relationship and feel loved by him. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I don't know if this is really "his" issue to own, I believe it's mine. I'm working on this too, but I have so much going on that it's hard to sit down and concentrate on just me.

I work 5-days a week and then come home to give meds, make sure he eats, gauge his mood (I've been asked to do this by his dr's), make sure he's aware of appointments the next day (I have a magnetic calendar on the fridge that tracks all appointments), get his meds refilled, etc. He's very high maintenance right now (and admits so), but that is not his fault. And I'm his wife, so it falls on my shoulders, especially because we have no family here. I am working with the VA to get some home healthcare aid that will come in a few days a week - this is harder to do than I thought, but I am working on it.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> My heart hurts reading that. In Dad's case, it would have meant an ability to lift his arm! Even stand, perhaps. But obviously that is not the point.
> 
> As his daughter, I would have no cause to disown him. I could see to his care with some measure of detachment.
> 
> Do not think my opinion stems solely from the one instance of physical abuse. His entire person has changed to include not valuing you at all. If he or you ever intend to have some kind of actual and real interpersonal relationship, you have to stop pretending this IS one. In my opinion, you are doing him no particular favors. (In the interpersonal, emotional department. It sounds like you provide a great deal of physical and health support which is likely very important and useful to him.)
> 
> In my mother's case, I had advocated that she spend less of her energies on caring for Dad herself as it was causing her mental anguish of a serious order, rocking HER to her foundations.
> 
> If she was in your shoes; young, without any real serious hope that he would return, risk of abuse lingering, no actual comfort in the current situation, I would strongly advocate she and the kids (us) look to his care and feeding and get the heck out.
> 
> 
> Of course not. How does that impact the state of your marriage?
> 
> 
> As is your right. I continue to hope for the very best in any decision you make!


I am sorry if I hurt you in any way, that was definitely NOT my intention, so I apologize if you took it came across in that manner.

You're probably right, I may not be doing him any favors in the emotional detachment area. Reason I'm not a nurse or doctor, I find it very difficult to emotionally detach from any situation - it's who I am. But...I am working on it, but change doesn't happen overnight. 

I'll go ahead and share something that I haven't posted in this thread yet (and nobody bash me for it please). It proves I can set boundaries, stick by them and not cave emotionally.

My husband agreed to no longer drink and mix alcohol with the many meds he's on when he was released from the hospital. He has kept this agreement until two nights ago. I came home from work and discovered he had drank two beers. I was upset, but very calmly told him - you agreed to not drink, this will not work for me, it jeopardizes my safety and left the room, no further discussion or argument from either side.

I then discovered that since there wasn't any additional alcohol in the house besides a box of wine we cook with, he got a glass of wine. I approached him and said "I'm thoroughly disgusted and disappointed with you right now, I will not play these games", left the room and went to bed.

He got my point. He hasn't touched anything since. I took a stand that drinking would not be tolerated and based on my tone and how I approached him, I know he understood that I was serious. 

That is my first attempt at a boundary that I will not compromise and he now knows it. So keeping my fingers crossed that I can be comfortable setting others.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Crankshaw said:


> he is obviously the one with the issues, by the sounds of it (and I am very new here) you are a great, tolerant wife


You're right, I can't argue with you - HE is the one with the issues and I'M the one that isn't helping him in dealing with his issues.

Working on it...


----------



## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I am sorry if I hurt you in any way, that was definitely NOT my intention, so I apologize if you took it came across in that manner.


Of course you did not hurt me. And no apology is necessary. Dad hurt me when he let his brain shrink in his skull, dammit. How could he?!? 



> You're probably right, I may not be doing him any favors in the emotional detachment area. Reason I'm not a nurse or doctor, I find it very difficult to emotionally detach from any situation - it's who I am. But...I am working on it, but change doesn't happen overnight.
> 
> 
> 
> I'll go ahead and share something that I haven't posted in this thread yet (and nobody bash me for it please). It proves I can set boundaries, stick by them and not cave emotionally.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh come ON. Where is the fun if we can't bash you?!? Tee hee.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My husband agreed to no longer drink and mix alcohol with the many meds he's on when he was released from the hospital. He has kept this agreement until two nights ago. I came home from work and discovered he had drank two beers. I was upset, but very calmly told him - you agreed to not drink, this will not work for me, it jeopardizes my safety and left the room, no further discussion or argument from either side.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Nice work! I was pretty hesitant when you told me he had "agreed not to drink" in an early thread. In addition to dealing with TBI you are dealing with at least a drinking problem, perhaps alcoholism. As a struggling recovering alcoholic myself, I know how easy it is to see the damage caused and promise. And how hard it is to promise. They say it is easier for the problem drinker whose body chemistry has not (by time and by genetic predisposition) dropped into alcoholism. So there is hope.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I then discovered that since there wasn't any additional alcohol
> in the house besides a box of wine we cook with, he got a glass of wine. I approached him and said "I'm thoroughly disgusted and disappointed with you right now, I will not play these games", left the room and went to bed.
> 
> He got my point. He hasn't touched anything since. I took a stand that drinking would not be tolerated and based on my tone and how I approached him, I know he understood that I was serious.
> 
> That is my first attempt at a boundary that I will not compromise and he now knows it. So keeping my fingers crossed that I can be comfortable setting others.
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Good job! I hope that continues to work.
> 
> S
Click to expand...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Of course you did not hurt me. And no apology is necessary. Dad hurt me when he let his brain shrink in his skull, dammit. How could he?!?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You're probably right, I may not be doing him any favors in the emotional detachment area. Reason I'm not a nurse or doctor, I find it very difficult to emotionally detach from any situation - it's who I am. But...I am working on it, but change doesn't happen overnight.
> 
> Oh come ON. Where is the fun if we can't bash you?!? Tee hee.
> 
> 
> Nice work! I was pretty hesitant when you told me he had "agreed not to drink" in an early thread. In addition to dealing with TBI you are dealing with at least a drinking problem, perhaps alcoholism. As a struggling recovering alcoholic myself, I know how easy it is to see the damage caused and promise. And how hard it is to promise. They say it is easier for the problem drinker whose body chemistry has not (by time and by genetic predisposition) dropped into alcoholism. So there is hope.
> 
> 
> Good job! I hope that continues to work.
> 
> S
> 
> 
> 
> Me too - thanks!
Click to expand...


----------



## christmaslady

Admitedly I did not read all the posts etc.; however, I would start by saying...you are these things because you are claiming them by speaking them into existence. STOP!!!!

I used to do that too and it makes you feel bad. It makes you feel a huge burden etc. and you carry that everywhere. My EX used to say dumb stuff too like that, without even realizing how hurtful it all was and how it adds up to me. It is emotionally abusive. Let him know that it is hurtful and if that is truly how he feels he needs to explain to you your good points and/or what keeps him there...(be ready to get hurt more though). Learn to be yourself and be ok with yourself. What I did (sounds super corny)...when I was going through issues in my relationship and I had to protect myself...I made post-its and put them up around the house...reminding myself who I was, what I wanted, the reason for my actions etc. I have learned to call it: self definition.

Since my breakup I have rebuilt myself (still miss/love him, but mentally happier without the negativity etc.) and I came to realize that I am ok with me...yes, I have flaws; but who doesn't and my flaws were not as bad as he created them to be. I found that he did that because he was having EA/PA and he was not happy with himself (which he later told me...that he was starting to hate himself).

Protect yourself...do not believe the insensitive comments etc. Just be the best/happiest you that you can be. It takes time and a lot of soulsearching to find you again, but you are there...find yourself before you lose yourself in negative self talk/hatred and others putting you down for their own reasons (there is no reason to break someone else down).


----------



## COGypsy

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You're right, I can't argue with you - HE is the one with the issues and I'M the one that isn't helping him in dealing with his issues.
> 
> Working on it...


I'd say this is madly off base--I don't know what more you could possibly do for your husband, short of moving into his brain with a magic wand to turn back time! I think the message across the board (pun not intended, but I kind of like it anyway!) is that you have gone to far greater lengths, at least mentally and emotionally, in sacrifice and care than many of us would have for your husband.

I do want to stress again though what a good idea I think it would be for you to at least check out something like Al-Anon or an abuse support group. 

Before you dismiss it, here's why: while I understand that your husband's behaviors are linked to his brain injury and mental illness and so to some degree, beyond his control, the fact remains that they ARE happening. That means you HAVE to find a way to deal with that reality, plain and simple. It's not a question of supporting him in his illness or in him taking his frustration out on you, and it's not a question of relieving the stress of caretaking, which is what it sounds like the PTSD group focuses on. What I'm talking about with these other groups is YOU having a chance to take HIM out of the equation and find concrete ways to deal with the bare bones fact that the behaviors he's exhibiting are emotionally abusive to you and in order for you not to lose yourself in that and continue to function, you need your own support in finding and creating your boundaries and coping mechanisms. It's hard to do that on your own or with books, plus a group of people who don't talk about TBI and PTSD could be refreshing, you know?

As I read more of your story, I think that we're probably a lot alike in some ways. It sounds like you "intellectualize" your emotions a lot of the time. If you can find a reason for something, then you can make it less hurtful--to a point. I could be off base, but I know I tend to do that and it's almost always to my detriment--physically and mentally. I have to stop sometimes and just let myself acknowledge that my feelings are as real and valid as the facts in my head. You've had to absorb a lot of knowledge in the last couple of years and you have a ton of responsibility with zero respite care, I hope you find a way to take a piece of time for your feelings more regularly too-- and that the details for the home health aid or some kind of respite provider work out for you soon!


----------



## credamdóchasgra

If you can get the home respite care arranged for your H, it would be very good for you to get away for a little while.
Even if it means staying in a hotel...you can't put a price tag on the clarity of mind that could come from just stepping away and putting yourself first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

christmaslady said:


> Admitedly I did not read all the posts etc.; however, I would start by saying...you are these things because you are claiming them by speaking them into existence. STOP!!!!
> 
> I used to do that too and it makes you feel bad. It makes you feel a huge burden etc. and you carry that everywhere. My EX used to say dumb stuff too like that, without even realizing how hurtful it all was and how it adds up to me. It is emotionally abusive. Let him know that it is hurtful and if that is truly how he feels he needs to explain to you your good points and/or what keeps him there...(be ready to get hurt more though). Learn to be yourself and be ok with yourself. What I did (sounds super corny)...when I was going through issues in my relationship and I had to protect myself...I made post-its and put them up around the house...reminding myself who I was, what I wanted, the reason for my actions etc. I have learned to call it: self definition.
> 
> Since my breakup I have rebuilt myself (still miss/love him, but mentally happier without the negativity etc.) and I came to realize that I am ok with me...yes, I have flaws; but who doesn't and my flaws were not as bad as he created them to be. I found that he did that because he was having EA/PA and he was not happy with himself (which he later told me...that he was starting to hate himself).
> 
> Protect yourself...do not believe the insensitive comments etc. Just be the best/happiest you that you can be. It takes time and a lot of soulsearching to find you again, but you are there...find yourself before you lose yourself in negative self talk/hatred and others putting you down for their own reasons (there is no reason to break someone else down).


Instead of using post-it notes, I had previously put a list on my bathroom mirror and then tell myself those things. Took it down, but put it back up recently.

I know...protect myself...I'm trying, just trying to get out of the all-sacrifice, nothing in return, caretaking mode I'm in. Takes some time, but working on it!

Thanks for your input.


----------



## credamdóchasgra

you mighy try a CODA meeting.
"codependents anonymous"
Others there could relate to your struggle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

COGypsy said:


> I'd say this is madly off base--I don't know what more you could possibly do for your husband, short of moving into his brain with a magic wand to turn back time! I think the message across the board (pun not intended, but I kind of like it anyway!) is that you have gone to far greater lengths, at least mentally and emotionally, in sacrifice and care than many of us would have for your husband.
> 
> I do want to stress again though what a good idea I think it would be for you to at least check out something like Al-Anon or an abuse support group.
> 
> Before you dismiss it, here's why: while I understand that your husband's behaviors are linked to his brain injury and mental illness and so to some degree, beyond his control, the fact remains that they ARE happening. That means you HAVE to find a way to deal with that reality, plain and simple. It's not a question of supporting him in his illness or in him taking his frustration out on you, and it's not a question of relieving the stress of caretaking, which is what it sounds like the PTSD group focuses on. What I'm talking about with these other groups is YOU having a chance to take HIM out of the equation and find concrete ways to deal with the bare bones fact that the behaviors he's exhibiting are emotionally abusive to you and in order for you not to lose yourself in that and continue to function, you need your own support in finding and creating your boundaries and coping mechanisms. It's hard to do that on your own or with books, plus a group of people who don't talk about TBI and PTSD could be refreshing, you know?
> 
> As I read more of your story, I think that we're probably a lot alike in some ways. It sounds like you "intellectualize" your emotions a lot of the time. If you can find a reason for something, then you can make it less hurtful--to a point. I could be off base, but I know I tend to do that and it's almost always to my detriment--physically and mentally. I have to stop sometimes and just let myself acknowledge that my feelings are as real and valid as the facts in my head. You've had to absorb a lot of knowledge in the last couple of years and you have a ton of responsibility with zero respite care, I hope you find a way to take a piece of time for your feelings more regularly too-- and that the details for the home health aid or some kind of respite provider work out for you soon!


I already know that I take on everyone else's issues as though they were my own. I've always had this problem and have been working through it with my counselor, just hard to change 50 years worth of habits with a snap of my finger.

Thanks for commenting, a lot of what everyone has said makes sense and I agree with a most of it, but making it happen quick and right now is a little different. If all I had to do was concentrate on me, then it would be easier - but my plate is full - not only with my own responsibilities but with taking care of him and worrying about other family members (my daughter has major issues and is in major trouble right now).

I'm trying to step back, but I find it harder than I thought to do emotionally - physically is a lot easier, but emotionally, its hard to just turn it off. But I'm working on it.


----------



## Mom6547

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I already know that I take on everyone else's issues as though they were my own. I've always had this problem and have been working through it with my counselor, just hard to change 50 years worth of habits with a snap of my finger.
> 
> Thanks for commenting, a lot of what everyone has said makes sense and I agree with a most of it, but making it happen quick and right now is a little different.


I don't think it is necessary, or possible, to make it happen quick and right now. The key is baby steps. It takes 28 days to make a habit. So start with one habit. It will feel WEIRD at first. 

I remember when I was trying to change my habits with my son from the punitive I was raised with to the positive I read about. The new habits/techniques felt weird. I had to MAKE my self do the new stuff. I had to stop myself mid-old way so many times and retry. But seriously it takes about a month to retrain a new habit. Every now and then, I still need a recheck ...

But the point is that baby steps may serve you better than getting overwhelmed with changing your whole self in a day!


----------



## CallaLily

Hello. I'm knew here and I've been lurking reading many stories here, and this one caught my eye. First of all I'm sorry you're going through all of this. 

My question is, what are some things you enjoy doing? Do you have hobbies or interests? Do you have any friends you can hang out with? If so how much time do you spend on those, because it seems your time is mostly consumed with your husband.

Also, its good you are seeing a counselor however your best bet as well, is to get into a support group, with people who are going through the same things you are. That's a good way to make friends as well. Being in a forum is wonderful but RL friends and support are as well. Just seeing a counselor will probably not cut it completely as far as helping and keeping your sanity. You need others in your shoes to relate too, and not just in forums.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I don't think it is necessary, or possible, to make it happen quick and right now. The key is baby steps. It takes 28 days to make a habit. So start with one habit. It will feel WEIRD at first.
> 
> I remember when I was trying to change my habits with my son from the punitive I was raised with to the positive I read about. The new habits/techniques felt weird. I had to MAKE my self do the new stuff. I had to stop myself mid-old way so many times and retry. But seriously it takes about a month to retrain a new habit. Every now and then, I still need a recheck ...
> 
> But the point is that baby steps may serve you better than getting overwhelmed with changing your whole self in a day!



I agree...one step at a time. I'm trying. Little baby steps, took another one last night that felt good and that resulted in my husband actually approaching me about something instead of me beating him to the punch - it was small, but I recognized it and it felt good.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

CallaLily said:


> Hello. I'm knew here and I've been lurking reading many stories here, and this one caught my eye. First of all I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
> 
> My question is, what are some things you enjoy doing? Do you have hobbies or interests? Do you have any friends you can hang out with? If so how much time do you spend on those, because it seems your time is mostly consumed with your husband.
> 
> Also, its good you are seeing a counselor however your best bet as well, is to get into a support group, with people who are going through the same things you are. That's a good way to make friends as well. Being in a forum is wonderful but RL friends and support are as well. Just seeing a counselor will probably not cut it completely as far as helping and keeping your sanity. You need others in your shoes to relate too, and not just in forums.


My "used to" hobby was I was a fitness instructor for more than 18 years. But I quit for a short time because I was burnt out on it and then when I wanted to go back, my husband had his brain injury. 

I can't go back now because it would force me to leave him alone at night and on weekends to pursue that hobby again and I can't do that as I'm already leaving him during the day five days a week to work and right now I have no respite care to take over. I'm working on that.

Besides that, I really don't have anything else that I'm crazy about doing (except reading, but I still do that at home).

I haven't been able to locate a support group in my area for those that have a brain injuries - I'm still trying to find something in that arena and the VA doesn't offer it. But I'll keep looking.

Thanks!


----------



## Toby

Hello Marriedwife, I am new also and you have inspired me to join. I have been lurking here for 2 years and today have read your posts. How we could talk for hours on brain injury as my husband stroked in 07, brain clot. So when I read your story I felt such a bond everything you have said is pulling at my very core. I have walked in your shoes for 3 years. You are doing exactly what anyone in this situation would be doing careing for your loved one. I appluad you!! 

I like the fact that you understand brain injury are educated in all of this and doing everything possible to keep it all together. You have my total respect. We have been given a crappy situation and no one is prepared for this. The struggles are huge and only people in our shoes can possibly understand.

A little bit of my findings to help a little... with my husbands first year he was angry and blew up over everything, very combative with me and son. Very very impatient,[still is], not engaged in family or life.Basicily he was a complete mess,so was I. He to was hit in the thalomus he was not expected to live. His emotions were all over the place.

We have had many changes in meds as some made his anger worse. He is now much calmer and thinking clearer. Some doctors say after 1 year thats as good as it gets but I belong to a support group for stroke and many survivors do not agree. I have seen much progress in my husband. He struggles every day, I struggle right next to him I try to be his rock! I guess what Im trying to really say is if I got ill I only hope he would do the same.

He had alot of bad behavior due to his brain so much so I should have walked,drinking to ease his pain,porn to feel like a man again denile running us in the ground financially you name it he did it. Pre brain injury he was the man of my dreams. 

He has improved but yes he slips,stress is a big one they cant handle it. He put himself in 72 hour lock up for blowing up at his therapist, went off his celexa to fast and melted down. 

Am I scared of my future, yes but he would never harm me,he loves me but I get crumbs. I can only continue to love support and be here as a spouse thats exactly what I'm supposed to do. I dont know if I have been any help but thats just a little of my story and I sure hope it might be helpful. 

Be strong take time out for you {ha ha} I know the last person that told me that Id like to punch, but you sound like you know what you need to do. Glad you have a nero and other therapists to guide you but you sound like you are doing an amazing job to me. Hope this helps. 

Oh one more on the list is my husband suffers from major depression and anixity,goes hand in hand. Sorry fo my spelling.


----------



## Hot Alpha Female

You are tired. That's what I'm hearing. You are giving everything you've got and now you are depleted. This is very common for most women. And you know what? You should be tired, because what you are doing is just plain exhausting. Giving everything of yourself and not even getting the simple acknowledgment from your husband. I know how lonely that must feel at times.

I think there are a couple of things you can start doing. The first is start asking yourself a different question. "Where do you feel you ARE enough?". Sit with that question as long as you need to in order to get some answers. And really absorb the answers. Because there are many areas where I'm sure you are adequate. And what you focus on expands. Focus on what is missing and that is all you will see. Focus on what is there, what you have, what there is to be grateful for and that will expand.

The second thing that I suggest is that you spend some time just on YOU. Doing things that fill you up, that make you feel good about yourself. It could be taking that yoga class, making 10 minutes before bed to write in your journal, taking some time out to read a favorite book of yours or just spending sometime in something where you can lose yourself in a good way.

If you can't get the acknowledgment from your husband, that you have to give it to yourself. There may also be a part of him that feels that you want this acknowledgment and for whatever he doesn't want to give it to you. So give it to yourself first and then see what he does.

Once you have built yourself back up, then it would be wise to look at your marriage. What you are contributing. What your partner is contributing and then take a real assessment of where you want it to go in the future.

Best of luck =)

Hot Alpha Female


----------



## Trenton

Hot Alpha Female said:


> You are tired. That's what I'm hearing. You are giving everything you've got and now you are depleted. This is very common for most women. And you know what? You should be tired, because what you are doing is just plain exhausting. Giving everything of yourself and not even getting the simple acknowledgment from your husband. I know how lonely that must feel at times.
> 
> I think there are a couple of things you can start doing. The first is start asking yourself a different question. "Where do you feel you ARE enough?". Sit with that question as long as you need to in order to get some answers. And really absorb the answers. Because there are many areas where I'm sure you are adequate. And what you focus on expands. Focus on what is missing and that is all you will see. Focus on what is there, what you have, what there is to be grateful for and that will expand.
> 
> The second thing that I suggest is that you spend some time just on YOU. Doing things that fill you up, that make you feel good about yourself. It could be taking that yoga class, making 10 minutes before bed to write in your journal, taking some time out to read a favorite book of yours or just spending sometime in something where you can lose yourself in a good way.
> 
> If you can't get the acknowledgment from your husband, that you have to give it to yourself. There may also be a part of him that feels that you want this acknowledgment and for whatever he doesn't want to give it to you. So give it to yourself first and then see what he does.
> 
> Once you have built yourself back up, then it would be wise to look at your marriage. What you are contributing. What your partner is contributing and then take a real assessment of where you want it to go in the future.
> 
> Best of luck =)
> 
> Hot Alpha Female


Are you...like...BigBadWolf's illegitimate child? I just had to ask, sorry.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Toby said:


> Hello Marriedwife, I am new also and you have inspired me to join. I have been lurking here for 2 years and today have read your posts. How we could talk for hours on brain injury as my husband stroked in 07, brain clot. So when I read your story I felt such a bond everything you have said is pulling at my very core. I have walked in your shoes for 3 years. You are doing exactly what anyone in this situation would be doing careing for your loved one. I appluad you!!
> 
> I like the fact that you understand brain injury are educated in all of this and doing everything possible to keep it all together. You have my total respect. We have been given a crappy situation and no one is prepared for this. The struggles are huge and only people in our shoes can possibly understand.
> 
> A little bit of my findings to help a little... with my husbands first year he was angry and blew up over everything, very combative with me and son. Very very impatient,[still is], not engaged in family or life.Basicily he was a complete mess,so was I. He to was hit in the thalomus he was not expected to live. His emotions were all over the place.
> 
> We have had many changes in meds as some made his anger worse. He is now much calmer and thinking clearer. Some doctors say after 1 year thats as good as it gets but I belong to a support group for stroke and many survivors do not agree. I have seen much progress in my husband. He struggles every day, I struggle right next to him I try to be his rock! I guess what Im trying to really say is if I got ill I only hope he would do the same.
> 
> He had alot of bad behavior due to his brain so much so I should have walked,drinking to ease his pain,porn to feel like a man again denile running us in the ground financially you name it he did it. Pre brain injury he was the man of my dreams.
> 
> He has improved but yes he slips,stress is a big one they cant handle it. He put himself in 72 hour lock up for blowing up at his therapist, went off his celexa to fast and melted down.
> 
> Am I scared of my future, yes but he would never harm me,he loves me but I get crumbs. I can only continue to love support and be here as a spouse thats exactly what I'm supposed to do. I dont know if I have been any help but thats just a little of my story and I sure hope it might be helpful.
> 
> Be strong take time out for you {ha ha} I know the last person that told me that Id like to punch, but you sound like you know what you need to do. Glad you have a nero and other therapists to guide you but you sound like you are doing an amazing job to me. Hope this helps.
> 
> Oh one more on the list is my husband suffers from major depression and anixity,goes hand in hand. Sorry fo my spelling.


Boy - I could have written this post. 

Moods, depression, anxiety, odd behaviors (sexual habits), porn constantly, drinking, impatience - you name it!

I hate to say it, but I'm glad there is someone else out here that knows exactly what I'm going through. It's rough! I'm in year 3 right now. Hubby has come a long way from the beginning, but it's like a haunted house - I never know what I'm getting when I turn the next corner. Sometimes when I get home I don't know what to except - do I get the sullen, depressed hubby, do I get the remorseful, I'm sorry I'm such a burden to you hubby or do I get the childlike, who the hell are you, what have you done with my husband hubby. Being kept off-balance like this and not knowing what to expect can drive a person looney.

Please PM me, we could compare even more stories.

Thanks! Nice to meet ya...


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

Trenton said:


> Are you...like...BigBadWolf's illegitimate child? I just had to ask, sorry.


Okay - now for those of us that know about BigBadWolf's reputation on TAM - that was funny! :lol:


----------



## Trenton

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay - now for those of us that know about BigBadWolf's reputation on TAM - that was funny! :lol:


Teeehehe yeah


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## Mrs.G

MsLonely said:


> Sorry I'm a woman but would love to share a view.
> You will need to show your husband lots of love and passion. When he feels loved, anything you do is enough.
> When he doesn't feel loved, no matter how hard you do, he can find 100 things to complain.
> I'm not a good enough woman, either but my husband doesn't complain about me because I give him lots of love and attention. I give him lots of hugs and talk sweet to him. I praise him whenever I find a chance. He's very happy with me. So even I'm a,
> Terrible housekeeper, not very good in take care of the kid and I don't even have a job.
> I'm pretty useless because I don't contribute any productivities.
> My husband is happy with me and he pays a live in maid to take care of the house.
> I just need to be his supportive and lovely wife.
> I'm totally useless but because he's deeply loved. I'm already good enough.
> Give him lots of love, you are good enough.
> In my view, your husband is just whining for more attention, love, probably also more sexual satisfaction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would you take pride in being "useless" and not contributing? :scratchhead: That's awful and selfish.
Also, if you are unemployed and your husband is supporting you, the least you can do is keep the house clean! Sounds like you're very spoiled.
So she should respond to emotional abuse with more love and sex? :rofl:


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## Toby

Marriedwife, glad you got a chance to read my post it was ment to let you know your not alone. Im so new here I havent figured my way around this board. I will pm? you latter happy to help. I know how diffacult your life can seem but you sound like you are tough like me. Have you looked on line for a brain support group out there? I used to have a good source for one but lost my link,computer crash. I will try today to find it. Have a great day!


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## Mom6547

Mrs.G said:


> So she should respond to emotional abuse with more love and sex? :rofl:


IIRC actually getting sex would be something MWIL would be pleased as punch with. MsLonely, you have sex on the brain to such a degree it clouds!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> IIRC actually getting sex would be something MWIL would be pleased as punch with. MsLonely, you have sex on the brain to such a degree it clouds!


You got that right - getting sex would make me jump up and down, probably shout it from the nearest rooftop. :smthumbup:


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## Mom6547

Hey as a side note... this is maudlin but it is worth saying nonetheless. I am proud of you MWIL. You have such a hard load. And you are meeting it head on with courage and grace. You keep keeping on with that, however it shakes out.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Hey as a side note... this is maudlin but it is worth saying nonetheless. I am proud of you MWIL. You have such a hard load. And you are meeting it head on with courage and grace. You keep keeping on with that, however it shakes out.


Thanks, I lose my way a lot, but I'm trying.

Maybe I can talk the hubby into being frisky tonight? Worth a try...


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