# Is it time to give up???????



## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Looking through the forums I can see alot is close to what I am experiencing but not quiet there, so I guess the only way for my questions to be answered is to post my own.

My husband and I will be married 10 years this year and I am not sure if I even want to make it. Like all marriages we started out really well but then after 3 years we got into our own business and things went down hill from there. After 7 years we closed the business and went into bankruptcy and we haven't gotten back on track yet. That was 8 months ago. 

My husband is 20 years older than me and I am only 38 yet I feel like I am living the life of a old woman. He isn't interested in touching me let alone have sex and the the ecusses are that he is tired, got a headache or can't be bothered. When we closed the business he asked for time. Time to get himself sorted out, to get back to who he was. After much battling he final went to the doctors to talk about medication and quitting smoking. I must point out that this was 3 months ago, for the first 5 months there was the excusses of "they can't do anything" or "just give me time". Once he got the antideppressants then the excuss was "you have to wait for them to work, not much longer" "why can't you stop pressuring me, after all I gave you time" that has to be my favourite as I have always suffered from depression and have always been on medication for this. I know I have my bad days but I try to push through them with out impacting on those around me, not like hubby who loves to wallow in self pity.

Well I have come to a decission. But I am not sure and need advice. I want to talk to him tonight, talk, not have another fight. I need him to understand that I need physical contact and especially sex. My confidence of being a sexy woman is getting destroyed especially when he pushes me away or makes excusses about not haveing sex. I have tried to do the sexy underwear and everything else all the books say to spice up a marriage but he would rather watch TV. So what do I do. I can't afford to leave so I was thinking of moving into the back bedroom and letting him know that I will be actively searching for an affair. I know it's drastic but what else can I do. 

Please if you have any advice please, please, please let me know.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Oh and Guys please give me your thoughts....what have I done to turn my husband off?????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SashaJ said:


> letting him know that I will be actively searching for an affair. I know it's drastic but what else can I do.


That's what i did to my H! i signed up on adult friend finder and showed him my account. lol...ok not really funny. 

you're probably not going to like what i have to say- but i think you're H has a point when he says he gave you time to deal with your depression. You said that you didnt wallow in your pain and didnt let it affect others- but how you do you know that you didnt affect your H? he brought it up, so im guessing it did. You probably just didnt realize it because he didnt complain. 

Im not trying to be mean. i know your pain, believe me. My H has rejected me and i know how much it hurts. And im not saying you should disregard your feelings. You do need to protect yourself. But you do also need to cultivate a little empathy for your H. So his depression doesnt look like yours, so he doesnt handle it very well, or maybe he just handles it differently than you. But knowing how much depression hurts, how lonely, confusing, and self-defeating it is, try to have some empathy for him. 

Again, im not saying you should disregard how you are feeling and placate him. it is essential that you protect your self worth. His actions will have consequences. If you need to move into another bedroom, then do that. Its been a year and i still will not undress in front of my H. but try not to make it out of spite or revenge. Do you honestly think your H is intentionally hurting you? Dont you think he's hurting too? You know he's not intentionally hurting you. But his actions are hurting you, so protect yourself. 

its a balance. you learn to protect your heart with boundaries, but cultivate some empathy for the person who is also hurting.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Thanks for the advice....I will take it on board. I think I would be a bit more understanding if he would accept his feelings and realise that he has to learn to live with them, even just for a short time. instead he is angry about having to take tablets and avoids it as much as possible. So Im afraid I just see a man who doesn't want things to change, who is quite happy with the way things are. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but each person needs to take responsibility and decide if they are going to get better or not, and yes I can say that as I make that decission everyday. I would give him all the time he needs if he would meet me half way. We have tried setting up date nights or even a night for sex but everytime we both agree to it he pulls out and makes it very obvious that he doesn't want to, coming up with an excuss or evern saying I'm tired tonight but I promise tomorrow night. Only trouble is tomorrow never comes.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

how was your sex life early on, when you were starting up the biz? was the biz the most important thing in your lives? did you still make time to be intimate? did he want intimacy during that time and didnt get it for whatever reason?

he is 58, not 38. things do change, testosterone levels drop significantly.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Our sex life was great....there was no problems there, but it seems time has worn us both down. I had a frank talk with him last night and have moved into the other room. He came out with all the same lines "I know i have to get myself sorted" "your right I need to make an effort" but I have heard all these before and we can nolonger put our heads in the sand. I even said I want to find a lover and he just said ok, whatever. This is his attitude with everything and I can't stand it.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

It may not be anything you did; losing a business has to be a blow to his sense of masculinity: he was the Boss, and a provider, and had his own company. Now he's not. Losing a job can seriously impact a man's sense of his own manliness, and lower his libido. Losing a company has to be much worse.

I read a story in the paper some years ago that serious football fans can have a rise, or drop, in their testosterone levels for a day or two after their team wins (or loses).

It may be that you need to think of things that make your husband feel more masculine, as dumb as that probably sounds. Have you got a tree that needs cutting down, or machinery that needs fixing, or something? If you can get him started, and doing it, the sense of accomplishment, and the sense of "I did man work today" may help get him sorted out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Get His testosterone levels checked at a Lab, if they are too low, he might be eligable for treatment which will restore his 
energy & give him a renewed desire for sex. Amazing what hormones can do. If he is not willing to do this for you, I do sympathize with you, you are in your Prime at age 38 and he is slowing down-fast. He should at least be willing to do Viagra & take care of your needs sexually. 

20 yrs difference is alot, they say women in their late 30's -early 40's are better matched sexually with a male in his 20's.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Again, he won't get the levels checked and he already has got viagra but he can't be bothered taking it. He won't even try. As I have said to him, if he trys and, you know, nothing happens then so be it at least we had a go but he is unwilling to even touch me in a sexual way. Last night when I got home from the gym I could tell he was making a bit of an effort, initiating the first kiss. I know that was a big thing for him and I also know that it won't change overnight. I guess now I need advice as to how to proceed. I've moved to the back bedroom but appart from that nothing else has changed. Is this a big enough change do you think or should I totally pull away from him, like if I had moved out, till he gets himself together????????


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SashaJ said:


> I want to talk to him tonight, talk, not have another fight. I need him to understand that I need physical contact and especially sex. My confidence of being a sexy woman is getting destroyed especially when he pushes me away or makes excusses about not haveing sex. I have tried to do the sexy underwear and everything else all the books say to spice up a marriage but he would rather watch TV. So what do I do. I can't afford to leave so I was thinking of moving into the back bedroom and letting him know that I will be actively searching for an affair. I know it's drastic but what else can I do.


 Have you told him point blank exactly this ? He needs to fully understand you are Hurting - Miserable , it is affecting who you are at it's core and You can't go on like THIS any longer. 

Hopefully This will get his attention - to act on things that are clearly in HIS power to meet you half way for the rebuilding of intimacy, feeling desired once again & alive with him. 

Darn, I think he is pretty blessed to have a woman 20 yrs younger than himself, he took on that challenge when he married you , he shouldn't be stepping out of the game this soon!


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

I've told him so much that I don't know what else to say. He knows that I am hurting and I know he cares but his attitude is "Oh well" We went to counciling last year and the first thing she got us to do was read a book called the 5 languages of love. At that session I told her that he wounld read it and she told me off for being negative and that cause she has asked he would do it. well he still hasn't and he has no intention of reading it. He has that male arogance of "I don't need any help, I know what I am doing" you know what I'm talking about, the same attitude about asking for directions. I love him and I know that he loves me but i don't know what else to do.

Now that I have moved out of the bedroom what boundries should I put in place, cause at the moment I haven't changed anything else except where I sleep so what do I do as far as pandering, eg, getting coffees, changing in front of him, kissing him or even going out. I really don't know what the next step is. All advice is appriciated


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

if you moving out of the bedroom doesnt make a dent, then the next step is for you to slowly emotionally distance yourself from him. ive had to do this, too. i did it by not talking about "us" at all, finding things to keep me busy (enrolled in school), finding a hobby (i collect books), and now im trying to integrate into a church. so these are all things im doing to emotionally distance myself from my H because i have talked to him until im blue in the face and it doesnt make a dent. 

It is painful, and resentment does come with this process at first. i still deal with it from time to time. it was really bad in the beginning. i would go from not talking to him, to screaming at him, to having "normal" conversations with him. my emotions were all over the place as i tried to detach. but slowly ive withdrawn and it doesnt phase me as much that we are distant. infact now it would just be weird to have a "real" conversation with him. i dont really blame him, i dont usually think badly of him. i dont think its unfair. i just think he has limits and they affect me.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

I guess I am still hopeful everything will work out. I love him and just can't see myself without him. Distancing from him is a scary thought. If that happens then why the hell would we still be together, whats the point.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

for me the point of being distant is just to protect my own sanity. but i dont see it as an indefinite thing. i just see it as a phase. at first i did see the distance as a bad thing and i hated my H for it. i thought it meant my relationship had to be over. kind of an all-or-nothing mentality. but once i did gain some emotional distance, and i was happier, i noticed that i wasnt feeling so pessimistic about things anymore.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

Ok......so I am sleeping in the other room. Cause all this happened during the week I haven't had time to move my cloths and stuff so at the moment H probebly just sees it as me sleeping in another room. This weekend I am going to move my stuff and see what his reaction is to that. He has been a bit nicer but cause I have tried to do this before he probebly feels that I'll get over it and just come back to the marriage bed. So I guess I just need to be strong. The problem I'm having is I have no girlfriends to talk to about this.....everyone is to busy and I have been let down by them before so I can't see myself talking to them about it. in the past a huge issue like this I would talk to H as he is (or was) my closest friend now I feel stuck with no-one to talk to.....so thanks for all your advice, please keep it coming


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

moving in the other room is a start... i can tell you from being married 20 years... and can't afford to live alone (the feeling has crossed my mind many times) even if you move your clothes if like my hubby he was ok with... and even when i went out more than i ever did activly he was ok for a bit... then i don't know what happen he switch your my wife and blah blah things ok for awhile then right back to the no or quicky... grrr

we are working on us... but you have to be ok with your arrangement... just really watch if he is border line and you start activly dating he may cross that line and well after years of the best i saw a year of the worst (got his doc to say it was the drugs and a bad reaction) and the cops came and there was blood and what a mess... i am just saying be smart. and safe.

as for the talking with like people this place is great but i am with you i would enjoy being able to talk and bounce things off people out of my circle that now what it is like to live with no sex


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

This is the salient point of the entire issue for me:

"Again, he won't get the levels checked and he already has got viagra but he can't be bothered taking it."

What?? Can't be "bothered?" Then you need to take charge and take the little blue pill, hand it to him with a glass of water and have him take it. Watch him swallow it. Unless his testosterone levels are sub-300 (which they may be based on how you describe his behavior), then he will get an erection within 45 minutes and he should be able to have sex twice with you that evening. 

Give him 50 mg's to start with. Good luck!!


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Could there be borderline depression here? As artieb stated, loosing a business could be a huge blow to the ego. He may have lost a sense of self worth and needs help getting that back.

Couples or even individual counseling might not be a bad idea for him.


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## SashaJ (Mar 2, 2010)

"take the little blue pill, hand it to him with a glass of water and have him take it. Watch him swallow it."

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. He's just not interested. You know this is making me feel less and less of a woman. My confidence is going down hill fast and still he doesn't care. I'm finding it harder and harder to see any sort of future. I feel that if he cared he would make some sort of effort, try something or evern see someone. How can I believe he loves me when he doesn't want to do anything about his problem. I truely am ready to go out and meet someone. And you know, cause H is my best friend I would love to be able to come back and tell him about it just like close friends do....not to be cruel but to share with my BFF how much fun I had, how good life is etc..... I really am getting desperate for some love and affection


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SashaJ said:


> The problem I'm having is I have no girlfriends to talk to about this.....everyone is to busy and I have been let down by them before so I can't see myself talking to them about it. in the past a huge issue like this I would talk to H as he is (or was) my closest friend now I feel stuck with no-one to talk to.....so thanks for all your advice, please keep it coming


same here. i isolated myself after i met my H. this caused a lot of the problems. 

so i know its easy to pin all your discomfort on your H, but a lot of it is that you are isolated. Your H needs to work on his depression, but you have to work on getting some balance in your life. try working on yourself first, making some friends, finding a hobby, and then revisit what you think your H needs to change. you might find that its been exhausting for him to be needed so much- sometimes he just cant be there for you.


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