# I have a lot to say



## kal_el (Mar 8, 2013)

After our marriage I was still struggling with TONS of recent issues. for one I had just gotten back from my first deployment and before that I was a drug and alcohol counselor. So, that was a huge adjustment in and of itself and no I don't have PTSD. 6 months later we got married. (yet another huge sdjustment). Then I changed professions 6 months after that (yet another huge adjustment). Then, 6 months later I was called back to active duty for a deployment and I waited till after the holidays to tell my wife that I would be leaving again in April. 

The very day I was going to tell my wife she had a stroke (which is ironic because were both avid running and marathoners and in great shape). But after 3 weeks in the hospital the she was learning how to walk again so anyone in the Army will tell you a Family Care Plan was out and they wouldn't honor it. So, I left for a year and honestly I welcomed it from the past two years had been hell and I just wanted something familiar, like a reset. 

That year Iraq was totally different. No violence and BORING. THe only thing I did was lift, mission and look at porn. I think I got addicted to porn while there but after getting home and my wife confronting me about it I erased it and don't look at it nearly as much (as much I mean 2-3 times a week and only for a few minutes). 

In all this time I had warning flags pop up about my wife as well. My grandma was dying and despite that my soon to be wife INSISTED I come to Colorado to meet her best friend. I did and I lost the opportunity to see my Grandma's last birthday. She never apologized. Despite that I devised a suprise to see the play "Wicked" but told her we needed to stay Denver one night before meeting with her friend. I did this but she went nuts that I had done this. She told me "you must think I'm a monster" but nothing changed. 

Since this time I have taken several hits to her asking a young couple right in front of me if the wife wanted to trade husbands. When I confronted her she just cried but never apologized or changed her behavior. 

I could list thousands of times situations like this have happened with no apology or recognition that anything happened. If I bring it up I "keeping tabs" if I let it go she takes this as a sign of weakness. She says we are not intimate enough but yet she has violated an emotional trust so many times I just can't trust her on that level. Which is why I have posted this on the "Sex" catergory. It's gotten tot he point I don't want to have sex with her. Plus she picks her face and it's VERY unattractive. 

I currently work in Law Enforcement and will NEVER seek out a counselor in town, I know them all personally (Former LADAC). But people at work do look at her and wonder if she's a tweaker because of her picking. She also has used social situations as a weapon in the past saying embarassing and disrespectful things at inappropriate times.

Throughout all of this I have paid all of her medical bills and put her through college. While she was going to college she paid the bills (more time on her hands as I usually work 60 hrs a weeks). However she has taken many vacations and trips with friends. I haven't taken one and if I do money because the focal point of an arguement. 

Now she has control of the bank account. I know my fault but she says it's "our" money not just mine and I agree. But since she has graduated she has gotten her own account and won't allow me access to it. Despite all of this she constatly tells me I need to do more around the house. This is a sore spot for me as I was raised in a very dirty and disgusting house and clean after myself quite well. However since she has said this I have doubled down on housework despite coming home finding nothing in the house done and she's sitting on the couch. 

After this last April (after her 4th Surgery from the stroke) she went to Myrtle Beach and asked for money about 10 minutes before I had to leave for work. That was the breaking point. When she came back she made the comment "Ya know it would be nice to come home to a clean house". That week I had worked 66 hrs and had been home very little. This was my moment of clarity, where I knew I wasn't the crazy one or going crazy. 

I confronted her and the only thing she ahd to say for herself is I don't know why I do that. Very nonchantly. Never apologized or recognized a problem. 

I know I have dropped a lot here but I feel with just the little I have typed here ( I could add so much more) that it maybe time for a divorce. I have given up running, fishing, shooting and camping all things I loved before the marriage. Nothing has gotten better. I live in a double standard and I think she is verbally abusive possibly emotionally abusive as well. I am more than willing to work on my flaws as I have plenty but it seems to me that thats all I have been over for the past few years is MY problems My flaws. 

I need advise and help.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Sounds like your are a very hard working guy, adapt and change careers, work insane hours, do stuff around the house, pay the majority of everything, took care of your woman, grandma situation, military career and she does what for you in the relationship of equivilance, NOTHING!!!

I hate to say it, but she is a free loader totally taking advantage of you.

I would move on and find a real woman that is your equal and doesn't use you or take advantage of you.

I know you'll be able to get a good woman, no prob!!!:smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You don't mention kids.

No kids? Dump her.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

She sounds like a leech. Divorce her and find someone that will treat you with respect.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

It sounds like your wife calls all the shots in your marriage and you let her. That should stop.

Some of her behavior can be called "sh!t testing." She's just testing you to see how much of her sh!t you will take. So far, you've been taking loads of it. You do that because you think it's how to best keep the peace. But every time you fail a test, by failing to stand up for yourself, it just compels her to escalate the testing to more outrageous levels.

Try standing up for yourself. Stop letting her call the shots. Do your hobbies again. Take back control of the finances. Insist that she carry her weight in the household.

Good luck.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Start a new life with less drama.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You don't mention kids.
> 
> No kids? Dump her.


How can you hear just one post, and just his side of the story, and instantly come to that conclusion?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You'll only get his side of the story. And from what he says, they haven't really been a couple for a long time. Can't you just read the pain in his words? And WHY is he putting himself through that? I think he gave plenty of detail to support a conclusion. Unless of course he was lying about some of it. Sure, he likely has quite a bit of the blame but I don't think who's a fault really matters. He's certainly not happy and if he has nothing tying him to her, then why put all the work into it. You know, it's not easy changing the basic personality of a person.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Someone recommended to me a book titled "No More Mr Nice Guy". I am still waiting for my copy, but you seem like you could use one too.

I would run from that marriage. Please don't think that a kid will solve your problems.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Did you ever hear of NPD? (Narcissist Personality Disorder) It's being selfish to the 10th, or 20th power. All you do is never good enough, you don;t deserve a vacation while she goes w/ her friends....and she's probably getting some sex on the side just because she DESERVES IT!!
You've been warned, move on.
Mouse


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You'll only get his side of the story.


Some people, will happily answer a few questions in their own threads. In that way it is possible to try to build up at least a sense of the "give and take" going on in the situation.

The OP is bewildered by what is going on. That does not mean that he blames her entirely, or that he wants us to.

For instance, she may have been driven frantic with worry/loneliness while he was serving in Iraq. And that may be only the tip of the iceberg.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does she have a job now that she has graduated?

Where does she get the money from for 'her' account?

Often when people have a stroke that requires man surgeries they have suffered some damage mentally and/or physically. How has she changed since her stroke?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MarkTwain said:


> How can you hear just one post, and just his side of the story, and instantly come to that conclusion?


Umm... because we cannot conceive of even a hypothetical situation which would justify:

1) Her asking a complete stranger to switch husbands.
2) Her insisting that his money is their money, yet keeps a separate stash purely for herself.
3) Him working 12 hour days and she tells him to clean house.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

If you don't want to go to a marriage counselor in your town, go to a different town. You both need it.

But you would probably get better responses here if you didn't post your problem in the "Sex in marriage" forum. One of the other forums would be more appropriate.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DTO said:


> Umm... because we cannot conceive of even a hypothetical situation which would justify:
> 
> 1) Her asking a complete stranger to switch husbands.
> 2) Her insisting that his money is their money, yet keeps a separate stash purely for herself.
> 3) Him working 12 hour days and she tells him to clean house.


I can. It does not make it right, but people can act really weird at times and still have what they feel is a perfectly rational excuse. 

Unless we can get into this woman's head, what possible chance do we have of helping the OP? Comments along the lines of "ditch the b*tch" hardly represent the culmination of a finely nuanced analysis!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> Unless we can get into this woman's head, what possible chance do we have of helping the OP?


Understanding the motivations and attitudes of people through secondhand accounts is a tall order. If you believe that advice must be given only after we have hacked into the minds of both parties involved, then we won't be giving much advice.



MarkTwain said:


> Comments along the lines of "ditch the b*tch" hardly represent the culmination of a finely nuanced analysis!


True. But the OP's story, assuming that most of it is true, means that he is a giver and his wife is a taker. Now, we can ponder why that is the case, but it doesn't really matter.

The OP's choice is to tolerate his wife's behavior (of not carrying her weight in the marriage) or not. At this point, the reason his wife is refusing to carry her weight isn't as important as the fact that she's not carrying her weight.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

PHTlump said:


> But the OP's story, assuming that most of it is true, means that he is a giver and his wife is a taker.


That's how it appears. However, there is at least one other thread on this site that is similar in that the hubby was in the armed forces, doing a tour of duty. He comes back and can not make head-nor-tale of where his wife is at.

I'm guessing the Iraq placement had a HUGE effect on her. To even begin to get a clue about it, you have to imagine a)being a woman, and b)being at home while hubby is away, not just anywhere, but in Iraq.

And don't forget, there's been all sorts of stuff in the media about what's been going down in Iraq. The more I think about it, the more nuanced it gets.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Being that I work in the med field and my mother has had two strokes you need to understand that there is a possibility the stroke changed her personality.

My first question, was she always like this? If not, when did the personality change occur? My mother's personality has changed since the second stroke (first one didn't change her personality), she also had brain surgery after her stroke as well (thankfully only one surgery was needed). She has no brain to mouth filter left because of the second stroke and brain surgery... she can't help it, it pops out. No impulse control or very little of it left either. Again, she can't help it.

Second question, is the cause of stroke known? (aneurism? bruising on the brain aka brain bleed, high blood pressure?) Changes in personality are dependent on the cause of stroke (known or unknown), how large the stroke was (TIAs are mini strokes compared to a full blown stroke).

Perhaps it's time, since she is indicating she a. isn't aware at the time she's doing these things and b. you seem to indicate she doesn't seem to recall she did them, to talk to her neurologist and get some testing done to see if she has cognitive and impulsive deficits as a result of the stroke and brain surgery.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

How does that saying go, you don't get laid being the maid?

You have a lot more invested in her than she does, so you value the relationship more than she does.

You've done a lot for the country and for her and now you need self service. Take care of YOUR needs and mention to her that she is being selfish and you will stop doing this, that, this that, etc because those are her duties and you have your duties. 

If she doesn't like it, too bad, she can leave, shape up or ship out.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MarkTwain said:


> I can. It does not make it right, but people can act really weird at times and still have what they feel is a perfectly rational excuse.
> 
> Unless we can get into this woman's head, what possible chance do we have of helping the OP? Comments along the lines of "ditch the b*tch" hardly represent the culmination of a finely nuanced analysis!


Let me rephrase my comment to "I cannot see a hypothetical scenario where a _reasonable person_" would find that behavior justifiable. Obviously she has justified it to herself, or she would not be acting that way. That does not mean the OP must or even should decipher her personal "Enigma Code".

The bottom line is that her behaviors have their roots in a sense of selfishness or false superiority. There must be a sense of "I can get away with it", "screw him, I'm going to take what I can for me", "I'm the woman and deserve it", "I'm an exceptional person and he's just average", or something similar. You don't repeatedly diminish someone close to you like that otherwise.

So, that being the case, there's nothing to analyze. It's very cut and dried. A reasonable person, once it's been pointed out that he or she has behaved in that manner over a period of time, would apologize sincerely and adjust behavior accordingly. That she knows she's doing this and keeps on doing it means that DTBing her is worth considering.

It's not that she doesn't get she's hurting him, she cannot be bothered and does not care. The chances she's so oblivious as to not get she's hurting him badly are virtually nil.

I like to say that only a young child is entitled to such a lopsided relationship, and only a bratty child demands it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

DTO said:


> It's very cut and dried.


Is it?
Let's turn this upside down for the sake of a thought experiment - with apologies to the OP!

Imagine it was someone like her who had written this thread. It all seems cut and dried? 

I have been on TAM a long time. I have had both members of a couple, one in each ear (so to speak), PMing me in between, thread posts, and each made black seem white.

Also, the thread is now deleted, but there was one time where I started a thread - and I was the incarnation of an angel - until my wife started commenting in my thread. I was soon cut down to size


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

MarkTwain said:


> Is it?
> Let's turn this upside down for the sake of a thought experiment - with apologies to the OP!
> 
> Imagine it was someone like her who had written this thread. It all seems cut and dried?


My personal bias is that you pull your weight and don't leech of anyone. That is simply something ingrained in me from childhood. My family (immigrant background) has a very strong work ethic. Also, my Christian background has ingrained in me that you attend to your family before the outside world.

I do have a couple of relatives and acquaintances who would feel that the OP's wife's conduct is okay. However, they are women and do fall into the category of feeling that a woman's superior treatment vs. her husband is automatically deserved. I don't know any guy who would find this remotely acceptable.

So, yeah, I think it is cut and dried unless there is some extreme circumstance (like he is physically abusing her or she has medical issues that make all sexual activity impossible). She needs to choose to be fully a wife or roommate - not pick and choose depending on what she wants from the relationship. I see nothing here that would prevent her from doing so.

I don't say this off the cuff. I took the time to run through some potential rationales:

* If she lost / never had interest in sex with him (or she greatly prefers her social activity), she should understand it is a marriage essential and get to a place where she can cheerfully give. He likely does stuff just for her and she should reciprocate.

* If she claims a greater social good (as in she works at a soup kitchen), she needs to learn balance. She works part-time and can balance both her husband and her service. If she were single, she would have to work full time (or more) to live and scale back outside stuff. A different way of looking at this is the family could not sustain itself if the OP also dedicated himself to social activities; she should not take liberties and pile responsibilities on his shoulders without giving back.

* If she feels that raising three kids excuses her from marital responsibilities, she needs to remember that he did just as much and worked just as hard as she did.

* If she's unhappy being an expat, she needs to remember that (1) she chose to accompany him to wherever he's stationed, and (2) she is benefitting greatly from his employment situation. Expats generally are paid well. His success enables her to live nicely while contributing little to the family. If she were married to a dude with an ordinary job she'd likely be working full time.

And so on.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> Imagine it was someone like her who had written this thread. It all seems cut and dried?


Assuming that she related the facts similarly to how the OP has related them, I would have the same opinion.

I agree with you that the OP could be lying. If he is, then my advice would be different. Since I can't know if he's lying, and since he wouldn't benefit by lying to us, I'll assume he's being truthful.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

PHTlump said:


> I agree with you that the OP could be lying.


Careful! I did not say that. I am just hinting at the possibility of the wildly different viewpoints that two spouses can hold. Throw in some stress, and a few other factors such as PTSD on _her _part, and it all looks very different.

The guy makes one post and disappears, and everyone thinks they have a good handle on the situation.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> Careful! I did not say that. I am just hinting at the possibility of the wildly different viewpoints that two spouses can hold. Throw in some stress, and a few other factors such as PTSD on _her _part, and it all looks very different.
> 
> The guy makes one post and disappears, and everyone thinks they have a good handle on the situation.


My point is that your objection can easily apply to every single thread on TAM. One person gives the facts that he wants to, perhaps embellishes them as he wishes, and then we respond. He could be lying. He could simply be telling his side of the story, as you suggest. It's just an inherent weakness in the medium that is universally understood.

This isn't therapy. We get a few paragraphs. Maybe we get a few questions answered. Maybe we don't. We obviously don't have as intimate an understanding of the OP's situation as a therapist would.

But, there are also universal truths for relationships that will hold. If the OP's wife expects him to work full time and keep the house so that she can be lazy, then it really doesn't matter _why_ she wants to be lazy. He shouldn't accept it. He doesn't need weeks of therapy before he can figure out whether he should be doing all of the heavy lifting in his marriage.


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

My dad changed after his stroke.


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## lovelifeandwanttoenjoyit (Sep 14, 2013)

Rakkasan said:


> Someone recommended to me a book titled "No More Mr Nice Guy". I am still waiting for my copy, but you seem like you could use one too.
> 
> I would run from that marriage. Please don't think that a kid will solve your problems.


Agreed, please don't even think about it, your story as similar points to mine regarding the work, housework, etc... on top of that I have kids and she can only handle them for while, after that she can't do it. She spends more time with candy crash than with the kids.....

I would have to say that if you don't have kids, no need to leave like this is time to move on......we all deserve to be happy and feel loved and care for.....best of luck!


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