# I'm Back!! :-(



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

It's been a few months since i've been here. I was given the advise to read CoDependency No More; i read it and it fit me to a 'T'!! It was the first time I see that I had a problem and that i was causing problems in my marriage by being codependent. Well I called off the seperation and started trying to detach and let him make his own choices and reap his own consequences... well now i'm trapped!! 
My husband is being impossible again!!! He decided to tell his sister that he doesn’t want to be in her wedding.. I have no idea why.. he’s in a dark place but somehow the blame is being placed on me. Everything is always all my fault. It's always a game to him! His sister stopped in with divorce facts printouts in her pocket. I guess it getting painfully obvious to everyone around us that it’s time for us to part ways!!! Well I was already in tears when she got there cuz I just couldn’t handle all the stress and craziness that he was putting on me. She asked what was going on.. I started talking to her.. then he went into all-out attack mode!! He was harsh. I mean brutal. Everything I ever said or did wrong was spun around into something a million times worse. He attacked me from every angle. I got attacked for things I said or did 12 years ago when we first started dating. All this hatred for me poured out in his words. I couldn’t even defend myself.. I couldn’t even think straight. It was like I was being stabbed with his words and crushed by the hate behind them. All I could manage to spit out a few times was that if he hated me soo much to leave me and let me find someone that doesn’t hate me. But he is refusing to give me a divorce.. partly because, I think he wants to continue to torture me and blame me for “ruining his life and taking away his good years.. for not letting him live and raise the kids the way he wanted to.” His sister even said ‘I don’t know how to make him leave.’ Then after this was all said and done, I cried for a while.. he left for a bit. Then he came home.. With a give me another chance, counseling.. lets go to counseling.. we can fix this. I AM SPENT. I have nothing left inside of me. I was made out to be the worse person in the whole entire world. I feel like a complete failure. I don’t want to be looked at the way he looks at me anymore. I don’t want to feel this beaten down anymore. I want to be free of this.. but I can’t make him leave!!! I don’t even know what to do. Where to turn? 
He had the nerve to text me this morning and say he is trying to be positive but he feels like he lost his family and he needs me to tell him something positive. Well.. hello.. I’m trying to pick myself up off the ground after I was brutally attacked with his words yesterday.. I don’t have the strength to carry the both of us. I just can’t keep doing this and I don’t see a way out!!! I’m so trapped!!!


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

He may not want to leave, but he can't stop you from filing for divorce!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

True. But if he doesn't sign, I have no way to push him out of the martial house for at least 2 years!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

File for divorce. You dont need his permission or his cooperation. And unless the house is YOURS alone, then YOU get out until things are squared away legal-wise. He handed you a flashing neon sign with the arrow pointing to DIVORCE. You're done.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I honestly wish it was that easy. I live in a small town area. I have kids in school. Two dogs.. There is NOTHING in the area to rent with dogs. I’ve had two different friends post on FB inquiring if anyone knew anywhere in the school district to rent with dogs. Not one reply. I’ve asked a relative that has an empty house sitting in the district if I could rent it.. but he said the house isn’t in working condition (water and electric). I’ve been chasing every lead.. nothing!!! Nothing is turning up for me. I have a full time job but it’s not enough to stand on my feet alone with my children without hard struggles! The house is too much for me alone but it’s my only option with my oldest only 2 years from graduation… I can’t drag her out of the school district.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

firefairy said:


> I honestly wish it was that easy. I live in a small town area. I have kids in school. Two dogs.. There is NOTHING in the area to rent with dogs. I’ve had two different friends post on FB inquiring if anyone knew anywhere in the school district to rent with dogs. Not one reply. I’ve asked a relative that has an empty house sitting in the district if I could rent it.. but he said the house isn’t in working condition (water and electric). I’ve been chasing every lead.. nothing!!! Nothing is turning up for me. I have a full time job but it’s not enough to stand on my feet alone with my children without hard struggles! The house is too much for me alone but it’s my only option with my oldest only 2 years from graduation… I can’t drag her out of the school district.


Well then, you can still file, it will just be an uglier way to have to do it, with you both in the same house. Pretty sure there are legal steps that can be taken once you do that can get him out of the house. Use the legal system as much as possible in your favor.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Firefly- Sorry you are going through this, but it seems like 3x is right. Your H's emotional abuse is leaving you with no other place to turn. Have you been to IC. You said he wanted to go to MC have you been before? I understand not wanting to leave the school district for the sake of the children, I am in the same boat, small town but my H left the house but we rent. Do you have any family that can help you? Can that house be fixed up to be rented, knowing the situation by your family? Wishing you the best of luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, carry a VAR, and see if you can get proof of his verbal abuse. Use that to get exclusive use of the home. 

Second, talk to a lawyer about support, both spousal and child. Find out what your realistic financial picture would be. His sister may be willing to testify based on the last exchange, but be careful relying on his family for support. 

Basically, talk to a lawyer and find out your options. Don't let fear and uncertainty stop you from moving forward. Find out the facts, then make a plan. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I have not been to counseling. Again, small town. I called a counselor a few months ago because I wanted to treatment for my codependency, but she wasn’t accepting new patients and there is nothing else in close driving distance. LIGHTBULB!! I am in a more rural area once a week for 4hours during my youngest daughters training. I could possibly find something in the area of her gym! 
This isn’t the first time he mentioned counseling. He uses it as a distraction to convince me not to split up. He never follows through with getting any help. I’ve even asked for him to just read a book if he doesn’t want to go to meetings or counseling! (Addictive behaviors and he’s so negative and down on life all the time) 
It’s a mess!! The whole situation is a mess! I know I’m not innocent in this. I’m not perfect. I’ve made my fair share of mistakes and aided to his resentment against me. But I refuse to be punished every day for things I did, said, or how I acted 5-10 yrs ago. We all make mistakes. We all are a little jealous, immature and insecure in our twentys. It takes time to grow and learn, right?! 
No family that can help. I have family in the area but not in the school district and nothing I can lean on. I don’t have a strong support system.. and never have. I’ve always been the person my family leans on! 
PBear, that’s a good idea! I thought of that this morning. I wondered if the verbal abuse was enough grounds to help me. His sister made the comment that he was being really excessively mean to me.. but I wouldn’t trust her to help me. They are a close knit family. Alcoholism and grown up with a addicted step father that beat their mom. She will never take me side! Plus he made me out to seem like a monster!! He threw me under the bus in the worse ways. I don’t even know what she’s thinking?!
I’ll start researching lawyers and see what my options are. Right now I am messaging asking for a trial separation so we can have time to work on ourselves and take a step back from everything. Maybe that won’t sound as bad as a divorce and he’ll agree!?!?! Here’s to wishful thinking!! 
Thank you all for your comments and support. It means a lot to me. I have no one to talk to about all this. So it means a lot to me to have this forum!!


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

I know how you feel with the no family support system I really think that I would have lost my mind wo this group. My H was unstable, he self medicated with pot and alcohol for his BP and when he left 5 weeks ago I was crushed. His family took me in and now I am feeling like the outcast, his mother who said she would be there doesn't answer my texts and so I have been just doing the 180 and focusing on my children and myself. My H is staying with his parents and I told him to file for the D, but I haven't heard anything yet. 
Sorry for going on and on. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship but if your H is making you feel so bad and dampening your self esteem and wanting you to just build his up that is completely unhealthy. He should be building you up not tearing you down especially if you're children are around. I think that it's good to be looking into the S. I should be doing the same legal wise but my therapist said that I can do it at my pace if he's not, which I hope that I can get the back bone sooner than later.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

You know as pathetic as it may sound… I still want to hang on to the hope that he can change. I know I need to let go. I need to put my foot down and be strong for myself and my girls. 

Butterfly, I’m sorry to hear you have no support either. I really stinks feeling like you have no one to depend on but yourself.. and when you just can’t seem to pull yourself together it feels like everyone in the universe has someone, but you!! 

I’m glad you are focusing on yourself and your kids. Have you read Codependency NO More? It’s a good book. It’s helped me a lot.. granted I still have a long way to go!! But it’s a good read!


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> But he is refusing to give me a divorce.. partly because, I think he wants to continue to torture me and blame me for “ruining his life and taking away his good years..


You should be filing for divorce regardless of whether you have another place to live because you want to get the separation date established due to the wait time.

So first get a lawyer and file.

From there, you're going to have to prepare yourself for an in-home separation process until you can move out. Part of the divorce process is to get the house sold or bought-out and that can be done during the separation process so you need to get started.



> You know as pathetic as it may sound… I still want to hang on to the hope that he can change.


I think you need stop worrying about him and hope that YOU can still change and next time look for a guy that will support you and care for you.

As a divorced woman, when you're in a horrific marriage, I can tell you that it seems like a difficult, insurmountable thing to go through a divorce at the beginning but after you're done, you wonder how you ever tolerated your ex for even a minute and you realize that getting divorced was the best thing you could do for you and your kids. 

Trust me, you can live a happy life with someone who deserves you. You just have to have the courage to reach out for happiness.


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Nikita2270 said:


> As a divorced woman, when you're in a horrific marriage, I can tell you that it seems like a difficult, insurmountable thing to go through a divorce at the beginning but after you're done, you wonder how you ever tolerated your ex for even a minute and you realize that getting divorced was the best thing you could do for you and your kids.
> QUOTE]
> 
> The funny this is, i know this! I know i'll be happier in the end. I know that there has so be more out there! I know he's not right for me! That we just aren't right for each other.. yet after 12yrs i'm still putting us through this because i can't find the strength to ignores his pleas! Thank you for your advice and encouragment!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Nikita2270 said:


> *As a divorced woman, when you're in a horrific marriage, I can tell you that it seems like a difficult, insurmountable thing to go through a divorce at the beginning but after you're done, you wonder how you ever tolerated your ex for even a minute and you realize that getting divorced was the best thing you could do for you and your kids. *
> 
> Trust me, you can live a happy life with someone who deserves you. You just have to have the courage to reach out for happiness.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Maybe it is all me. Maybe I’m impossible to live with. Maybe I am too controlling or sensitive. Or, maybe I’m just not over it!!!! Last night was simple. He came home, I was talking and joking with our children.. he laughed and intertwined in the conversation a little. Then I did some housework and he helped. After dinner he went into his ‘work shop’ and talked on the phone with his dad while drinking a beer or two or three?!? I felt bothered! I think because after Sunday, the way he treated me in front of his sister, the way he made me feel, the monster he made me out to be.. I feel like he trash talks me to his family. I feel like they all hate me and blame me the way he does! My own insecurities, Yes!! I shouldn’t put that on him. The fact that he doesn’t keep his beer in the fridge, he keeps it in a cooler on the side of the house and I never see a can in the workshop, only smell it on his breathe.. the secret of it irks me.. the smell of it.. irks me!! I don’t even hate beer or drinking.. I just hate him and beer together!! I’ve taken sooo many steps backwards! At the beginning of realizing my codependency I was trying to detach and not let this kind of stuff bother me.. I was working on me, finding my inner happiness.. trying to love myself. Trying to learn to meditate and I was exercising regularly. I feel like I’ve taken a hard turn right back into my spiral of low self-esteem and misery. Why do I continue to do this to myself? Why do I let this happen over and over and over again? I know we are sooo wrong for each other. I know it’s not all him, but it’s me as well, because I’m not happy with him for who he is and trying to change him only makes him a miserable/depressed person. I need strength!! Ugh. Feeling super sad today.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Have you or he ever considered a bipolar disorder diagnosis? I'm not expert, but he sure seems to foip-flop back and forth very quickly to both extremes...

Sorry you are sad today. Every time you get to feeling this way, simply find a tangible way to remind yourself -- THIs is why you are now going to start taking steps toward action to change your situation, no matter what. Then actively DO something toward your goal of a better life situation for yourself... read an article, research a counselor, research BPD?, taking account of your finances, something that is an active step toward making the change you need to make. There is nothing like progress to make that sadness dissipate... good luck!


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## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I have done some research on BPD and I think he fits the suit. I printed out a fact sheet for him but he threw it away without even looking at it. To him, his only problem is me not letting him live the life he wants to live. (Drinking) 

That’s some good advice! Thank you for your feedback. I need to keep my eye on the road and keep trucking forward. I can’t let these little setbacks hold me down!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What state?

If one party consent record using a VAR his attack and go for abuse. Remember to store in 3 places. 2 usb sticks kept with different friends and one cloud location.

Btw you are letting dogs dictate your life to your detriment. I get it but they may end up costing you your sanity.


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