# Need any and all advice....sexless marriage



## frustratedone (Jun 8, 2013)

Hello all, this is the first time I have posted on this site. I am in my early 30s, my wife is slightly older than me. We have a beautiful, wonderful, and perfect 2-and-a-half year old daughter. I love my daughter more than life itself. I know that for the most part the sex life of couples gets effected drastically after a birth of a child for a variety of reasons.
With that being said, I do not know what to do anymore. The last time my wife and I made love was in February or early March. We are both very busy. I work upwards of 16 hours a day. My wife works and she has the majority of household tasks to do. But, with that being said, we still have chances at night to have sex. I have tried everything, every approach. My wife says things like "I have a lot of work to do," or "I am tired" or "I don't feel like it" or "I don't know what's wrong with me." I have even tried on several occasion to tell her that we need to see someone about this. She either laughs it off or gets mad. I am not sure what is going on. I know she is kind of aware about her post-birth weight gain. But, she hasn't gained that much weight as she is tall and slender. I hate to sound like a male pig, but this is getting ridiculous. I have tried everything. I have been attentive to her needs. I have looked for clues. I am running out of ideas or thoughts on this. The thought of cheating has never crossed my mind b/c I love our daughter more than anything in my life, but with that being said, I can see where some weaker-minded men falter in their marriage. I just don't feel loved or wanted. I am sure there are men out there who have been, or are, in my shoes. I am sure there are women out there who can help out on this matter. I welcome any and all help, because, truthfully, I am not sure what to do.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

Stop working so much. Find balance in your life and see if anything changes. You need to help more around the house and hopefully she'll be less tired and MORE appreciative of you and your contributions. 




frustratedone said:


> Hello all, this is the first time I have posted on this site. I am in my early 30s, my wife is slightly older than me. We have a beautiful, wonderful, and perfect 2-and-a-half year old daughter. I love my daughter more than life itself. I know that for the most part the sex life of couples gets effected drastically after a birth of a child for a variety of reasons.
> With that being said, I do not know what to do anymore. The last time my wife and I made love was in February or early March. We are both very busy. I work upwards of 16 hours a day. My wife works and she has the majority of household tasks to do. But, with that being said, we still have chances at night to have sex. I have tried everything, every approach. My wife says things like "I have a lot of work to do," or "I am tired" or "I don't feel like it" or "I don't know what's wrong with me." I have even tried on several occasion to tell her that we need to see someone about this. She either laughs it off or gets mad. I am not sure what is going on. I know she is kind of aware about her post-birth weight gain. But, she hasn't gained that much weight as she is tall and slender. I hate to sound like a male pig, but this is getting ridiculous. I have tried everything. I have been attentive to her needs. I have looked for clues. I am running out of ideas or thoughts on this. The thought of cheating has never crossed my mind b/c I love our daughter more than anything in my life, but with that being said, I can see where some weaker-minded men falter in their marriage. I just don't feel loved or wanted. I am sure there are men out there who have been, or are, in my shoes. I am sure there are women out there who can help out on this matter. I welcome any and all help, because, truthfully, I am not sure what to do.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frustratedone (Jun 8, 2013)

I DO help around the house.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Watch a woman if a restaurant is half-empty and available. Then watch a woman who finds the place is crowded and "in" Each time you make an advance to her she perceives weakness and that with her post-pregnancy decrease causes problems. 

Start distancing yourself. (don't have an affair). Go out a little. Be distant. If she initially asks if something is bothering you, say nothing. Ultimately you want to create a scenario where she cares enough about her marriage to realize that some compromise and love is needed. And that is done by getting to realize that sex is part of a whole package in a marriage. She cannot continually reject you and expect a happy husband and good marriage, no more than a husband can be unfaithful and assume that doesn't impact his wife.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

if she laughs off the idea of counseling, maybe she won't think it's so funny if you tell her that you fear the marriage is in danger. you somehow need to convey how serious this is and that you did not marry to be celibate.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

She likely feels just as abandoned and lonely in other areas. Being the mom to a young child is very draining and very unsexy. Perhaps she resents you for getting out of the house and being with adults all day and working so much. Perhaps the resentment has built up to a point that she cant feel intimate with you. Perhaps she has a lot of anger that she cant speak to you about. Your life has progressed as usual while hers has stopped.

Just thinking back to my own days of being a stay home mom to young children. You can forget what it feels like to feel sexy or do anything for yourself.

Have you guys been able to get away for a weekend or more since the child has been born?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's not your problem...it's hers. 

And once this mentality sets in there's pretty much zero chance she will change. It only gets worse. 

Being tired is an excuse. Literally hundreds of millions of mothers have children and continue to want a sex life. Sop don't fall for those excuses.

Laughing off the suggestions for help suggests she doesn't care about the problem because she see's it as YOUR problem. Not hers.

I'm sorry man. You have some decisions to make.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Look into the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer", and "No More Mr. Nice Guy". They might give you some insight...

C


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry you are here.
What someone else said... if you work 16 hours a day, there isnt any time for a relationship, to build intimacy outside of the bedroom.

Anything you can do about that? Do you go out on dates? spend any time as a couple?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> I work upwards of 16 hours a day. My wife works and she has the majority of household tasks to do. But, with that being said, we still have chances at night to have sex.


 honestly, that sounds absolutely exhausting. Does she work full time? If you're out of the house for 16 hours a day, that leaves 8 hours for everything else. I have been in that situation for brief periods and it's positively draining. You need to cut your hours. There's no way you can have adequate time together with that kind of constant schedule. Add her job, a toddler, and most of the housework on top of that and it's a recipe for disaster. Something has to give. Currently, it's your sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Strattec (Apr 27, 2013)

I agree with some that 16 hours a day is way too much time to work. It doesn't give much time to communicate and talk to her. If financially possible, you should lessen your hours. 

With that said, it's her fault too in rejecting you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sit her down and tell her sex is important in a marriage, ask her to tell you what the exact problem is not a side effect. Ask her to be honest and tell her you can both solve the issue. Because your marriage is far too important to be beating around the bush. If she laughs a the thought of counseling that tells you how much you matter to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

If my husband worked 16 hour days, I would feel like I was going to have sex with a stranger everytime he approached me for intimacy.

You only have 8 hours left in the day after work and you will use, what, 6 of those hours to sleep.

So that leaves your wife maybe an hour to connect with you somehow, and you want to use the hour to have sex?
She doesn't even have an oppurtunity to warm up to you and you want her in bed with her panties off.
If you were trying to seduce another woman, would you expect that spending an hour a day with her would be enough to arouse her interest in you sexually?

Your wife is like most women, she needs to "know" you before she desires to have sex with you, and she doesn't get the oppurtunity to do that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Sit her down and tell her sex is important in a marriage, ask her to tell you what the exact problem is not a side effect. Ask her to be honest and tell her you can both solve the issue. Because your marriage is far too important to be beating around the bush. If she laughs a the thought of counseling that tells you how much you matter to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


+1

Be honest and specific.

"I need to have sex at least twice a week."

Once you have established it is a need for you (and how often it needs to be met), then you can get into the why you have that need and why it's important to you.

Both men and women fall into the trap of feeling that is something isn't a need for them, then it can't be a need for their spouse.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> +1
> 
> Be honest and specific.
> 
> ...



Agree 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

aribabe said:


> If my husband worked 16 hour days...


One of the ways men express their love for their family is by working and providing for their families. Men see this as sacrificing for their family.

I'd be upset if I was working long hours to make a better life for my family and my wife refused to have sex with me because I was "working too hard."


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> She likely feels just as abandoned and lonely in other areas. Being the mom to a young child is very draining and very unsexy. Perhaps she resents you for getting out of the house and being with adults all day and working so much. Perhaps the resentment has built up to a point that she cant feel intimate with you. Perhaps she has a lot of anger that she cant speak to you about. Your life has progressed as usual while hers has stopped.
> 
> Just thinking back to my own days of being a stay home mom to young children. You can forget what it feels like to feel sexy or do anything for yourself.
> 
> Have you guys been able to get away for a weekend or more since the child has been born?


The resentment is a likely issue .But why she does not seek help or at least communicate with him It wiil only get worse as time goes on.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> One of the ways men express their love for their family is by working and providing for their families. Men see this as sacrificing for their family.


If it takes *consistent*16 hour days to provide for one's family, with all due respect, one should re-examine whether one is in the right business or line of work...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

john117 said:


> If it takes *consistent*16 hour days to provide for one's family, with all due respect, one should re-examine whether one is in the right business or line of work...


Jesus I hate this statement it sounds elitist to me

Maybe "one does all that one is capable of" Maybe they have faced catastrophic financial issues Lets not assign blame or criticism to a person’s line of work if this is all his skill set will provide for income. Maybe he is self-employed A guy is doing what he knows to provide an honest living for his family
:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It is professional opinion I am afraid. 

There are very few jobs I can think of that allow for 16 hour days without a commensurate decrease in productivity or efficiency.

I applaud the effort but as I said that type of thing is my bread and butter (cognitive psychology).

I can understand special circumstances like starting a business or having to work extra for some unforeseen reason but there is a VERY good reason a workday for most people is 8 hours...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

john117 said:


> It is professional opinion I am afraid.
> 
> There are very few jobs I can think of that allow for 16 hour days without a commensurate decrease in productivity.
> 
> ...


End of my hi jack But just stick to the books Doc


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## wanttofix (Jun 4, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> She likely feels just as abandoned and lonely in other areas. Being the mom to a young child is very draining and very unsexy. Perhaps she resents you for getting out of the house and being with adults all day and working so much. Perhaps the resentment has built up to a point that she cant feel intimate with you. Perhaps she has a lot of anger that she cant speak to you about. Your life has progressed as usual while hers has stopped.
> 
> Just thinking back to my own days of being a stay home mom to young children. You can forget what it feels like to feel sexy or do anything for yourself.
> 
> Have you guys been able to get away for a weekend or more since the child has been born?


Exactly. You couldn't have said it better. Glad I came here and found this.


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## street-legal (Jun 11, 2013)

Hi - I'm about 10 years older than you (with 2 kids, oldest is 12), but have been in your shoes for about 5 years now.

For me, it hasn't gotten better. Almost everything else about our marriage is still fine (we are a good parenting team, rarely argue, and have many similar interests and general outlook), but there is virtually no sex life anymore. Over time, she lost interest (same excuses as your wife) and I felt quite rejected and eventually stopped initiating.

As for advice that you will hear about "cleaning the house more" or trying to "take the pressure off of her by not initiating" : none of that made a difference for me.

I'll be honest, i have thought about divorce a LOT. But with school-age kids, a mortgage, friends, all the roots we've put down...when I add everything up, it just seems crazy to initiate a divorce right now. (also, we live paycheck-to-paycheck...divorce would put us both into poverty!)

The only thing I've done to cope is to try to STOP "seeing" my wife in a sexual way. I even avert my eyes when she changes clothes. And if I'm horny (about every day, lol) I just jerk off to relieve my desire.

At the same time, I try to keep our relationship very civil and not hold my wife's LD against her. My thinking is - I am choosing to stay, so it wouldn't be fair to my wife and kids if I were angry and pouty all the time. 

Mostly, I take it day by day and try to be philosophical about it. However, I do plan to divorce once my kids are at or near college age, at the latest. I've still got a lot of life left in me! Hope that helps..? (At least you know you are not alone!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't doubt that OP is working very hard to support his family.

If his wife's Love Language is 'quality time' then she could be feeling as starved as he is.

I was the child of a father who was always working. I know he was working for our family. Regardless - OP's days with his child and wife are numbered. Hopefully that number is a large one - it is still a number.

Some women have sexual issues that are beyond simple fixes - however I again mention getting out of town for a weekend without the child. I still remember such a weekend with my husband when my oldest was 18 months old. To be an adult again and not just a mom - hedonism!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Forget 5 Languages. They may help in some cases but in hardcore LD Stage III or IV it's curtains. 

The last few days I have spent several hours a day doing my wife's typing (she is having serious joint issues and is having surgery later this week). I will spend another week doing the same post op.

This may sound like a great act of service, but (a) won't make Dr. John here any luckier  and (b), even more important, I am confident she'll be back at the cute hand surgeon in a couple years thanks to her poor posture, poor typing skills, and 16 hour workdays (which accomplish little above and beyond my 8 hour workdays but hey, why roll in the hay when you can work?)

Not to mention hand surgery (outpatient 1 hour variety) will be used as an excuse for weeks or months to come... To paraphrase the TV slogan, "A surgery is a terrible thing to waste"


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

There really needs to be a compromise here.

OP can't expect to be away from the house working 16 hours a day (plus commuting time???), help around the house and in the 1-2 hours at home he isn't sleeping have a loving relationship with two other people (wife and child).

And his wife can't expect him to continue to agree with the implied marriage contract of monogamy if the implied contract of meeting his sexual needs is broken.

We can't have EVERYTHING. If OP and his wife's lifestyle requires the amount of hours he works and she works, they have the wrong lifestyle if they expect to maintain a loving, physical relationship.

One solution I'd suggest is that OP let his wife know that he would like to be intimate with her that evening or the next night. This gives his wife time to plan her day, maybe understand that she will put off some chores, maybe sleep later in the morning knowing she will be up later that night or take a nap. She might also take a few minutes to read some erotica, watch some porn or do some fantasizing to be more turned on and receptive to sex when the time comes.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I would sit down and talk to your wife. Tell her you'll make efforts to reduce your hours. Ask her what else you can do from your end to spice things up for her - more romance, more help around the house, etc. Tell her you're very concerned because you never envisioned living in a sexless marriage.

Try hard to do what she wants you to do. Give it a couple of weeks. If she doesn't suggest anything or make efforts on her own during this period, then your next step is to rule out the (small) possibility that she may be having an affair. You don't mention any other red flags but that possibility shouldn't be ignored if things don't improve.

If sex still doesn't improve and you're confident that she's being faithful to you, it's time for another talk, this time letting her know that your marriage is at stake. You could tell her that you can't control her but you can control what is acceptable to you in a marriage, and no sex is not acceptable.

That's the point you have to make it clear to her, that you're willing to walk away unless she is willing to help you solve this issue. In the end, it always boils down to that when there's no progress. What you're ultimately willing to accept in your marriage.

I went through the same thing for several years with my wife; but regrettably, I left out the "rule out an affair" step. That turned out to be a big mistake.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I am in your shoes. It sucks. I think the only thing you can do is to start looking out for yourself and stop making sex (or the lack of it) the center of your life. Women find the constant pining for sex a huge turnoff. Stop doing things to try to crack the code and get sex. Start doing things simply because they interest you. It is easy to fall into that hole of living your entire life in pursuit of sex with your wife. It makes you feel pathetic and you also look pathetic to her, which makes her want you even less. Good luck


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