# Wife often threatens to leave when we have disagreements



## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

My wife and I are both 40, 3 children ranging from 4-11 years of age, and have been together for 19 years (married for 14).

We sometimes argue about the usual marriage stuff ie money, household chores, difference of opinion in how to raise our children etc.

Sometimes when we argue (about 30% of the time) she will say "we're done", or "I've had enough of this". Sometimes she'll say this in front of the kids.

I don't like to point fingers, as I know I'm not perfect, but I was raised in a stable household where disagreements where often ironed out by simple and logical discussions about how we feel, and how to address any concerns we have, without much emotional escalation, but as an adult I still get frustrated because it's hard to have a simple conversation without her becoming hyper-defensive, yelling at me, or threatening to leave.

I often have to think long and hard how to approach a topic to make sure I use the right words to not make her upset. For example, one of my kids is overweight and unhealthy (only 8 years old). Two separate physicians have raised concerns about this, but my wife ends up criticizing them to me. When I sometimes bring up the topic she gets upset at me because she immediately implies that I am suggesting it is her fault and that she is a bad mother. She will often escalate quickly to this position even if I approach the topic with kid gloves. An example of what I would say is:

"Hey, just wanted to talk about Taylor's health. I'm a bit concerned with her weight and don't want her to by unhealthy, and I worry because the kids at school are teasing her. Can we talk about a strategy to help her out, maybe cut out some sugary snacks, or buy less junk food?".

She will typically take a comment like that and say "I already give her healthy snacks at school. She is fine, she'll gradually lose weight as she gets older. Maybe she needs more exercise". 

At that point if I dare say anything, like "exercise is probably not enough because she consumes too many calories and would have to exercise 5 hours a day to off-set her excessive caloric intake", the conversation would then go down hill, and she would say "well what do you want me to do about it?" and then the guard goes up, and I can't say anything further. I would often say "I don't want YOU to do anything about it. I want us to figure it out together because its a shared responsibility. "

Anyway, I digress, but that's a typical example and any further conversation would result in her walls going up and if I "push it" she just puts it in the too-hard-basket and says "there's nothing to say here, I'm a bad mother, why would you be with me, you and I should figure out how to go our separate ways". This would usually be followed by her walking off yelling, or getting in her car and driving off (kids are often privy to the whole event).

It doesn't matter what the topic is but the conversation often ends up like that, and I'm completely floored no matter how often it happens, because I can't believe how we go from what should be a basic conversation to her threatening to leave me. Sometimes I say to her "this is not good communication, it's unhealthy, and how can we have open dialogue if you keep walking off or stone-walling me", then she gets defensive about that, ie sarcastically saying "yes, I'm a **** mother, a **** human being too, and I don't know how to communicate, it's my fault again".

I feel completely helpless because regardless of the topic there is an obvious communication issue, and if I bring that up, she will get defensive again.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Your wife has low self esteem. 

I would tell you that my wife used to threaten divorce three or four times per year. The last time she did it, I responded with:

"Then I will miss you, and I probably won't find someone I love as much as you, but I will settle for someone who is more interested in meeting my needs."

At the time, we were in the midst of her placing my needs in a marriage somewhere below making sure the dogs were bathed over several years. I finally had enough of it. You can customize the statement to something like "...but I will settle for someone who can have a heated discussion without threatening divorce or erroneously making it about themselves", delivered in a CALM manner.

My wife lost her **** at that...however, that was in 2014 and she has not done it again. I essentially called her bluff. She doesn't want a divorce...I know she doesn't want a divorce...she knows that I know she doesn't want a divorce. That statement cuts through all of the crap and exposes it for what it is: a bluff.

Why does she yell and get defensive? Because her internal dialogue tells her she is not a good mother. That is why you can be discussing your daughter and your wife will make the argument somehow about her own efforts being questioned.

The only way though this is a combination of firm boundaries and understanding, plus therapy for for either her or both of you.

Lastly, why do you fear your wife's reactions?
@MEM2020 (who suggested the above statement to me), @turnera, and @anchorwatch were all helpful early in my journey. Maybe they could lend a hand.


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## dkong (Mar 12, 2010)

Thanks for your input. I agree, she has low self-esteem. She often gravitates to people like friendly co-workers, the old lady at the bus stop who says hello, ex-high school Facebook friends who click like on something, or anyone that would show the slightest modicum of positivity. She is very sensitive to any "real" discussions that need to be had, for example (another recent one), about what our Christmas gift budget should be for our children. These functional "house-hold" discussions to me should be simple, far from anyone needing to get upset. Sometimes I consider not bringing things up because I don't want the drama, but then I think, heck, we are adults, this shouldn't be a big deal.

I wont play amateur psychologist, but her family is pretty dysfunctional. Her parents are still married, but her mother is very narcissistic, her father is basically an emotional mute, and she has told me openly over the years that they never paid her much attention, supported her, or had any hopes for her, yet her brother got the opposite attention. I recall witnessing them argue sometimes earlier in our relationship, but it never seemed that there was a resolution. Things just got swept under the rug until next time.

I agree that I think it's a bluff. I never beg or tell her not to do it. I've said "you do what you think you gotta do, but if you think divorce is the answer, don't delude yourself because as parents we'd still need to communicate about all the same things, money, how to raise our children, etc", so these conversations will never go away.

The reason why I fear her reactions, is less to do with the potential outcome, and more to do with how this impacts our children. I definitely think it's a bluff, but yes I do love her and it's not something I would want for us, and that's why I never threaten divorce, because if I did, it probably wouldn't be a threat. My concern is that this sets a bad example for our children. We have a small house, and we've agreed to not argue in front of our children, but it still happens, and even when we don't, they can still hear these conversation. My wife has a flair for drama (much like her Mom), so I have other concerns about the ways she speaks, because I feel as though she plays the victim in front of our kids. I'm often portrayed as the party pooper, the curmudgeon Dad etc. My wife used to have bad spending habits, multiple credit cards, debt etc (still not great but much improved), so finances are a touchy subject. I for example think about things like our mortgage and college fund for our eldest daughter, but want to have fun too, yet when my wife spoils our children, if I try talk about it with her (and the kids hear), they perceive me as the party-police and her as an everyday Santa-Claus. Or, if they ask for something at the store "can you buy us this?", she would say "no, Daddy says we can't", stuff like that.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

One thing I've noticed is that sometimes talking doesn't help and other avenues need to be taken to resolve a situation. Sometimes my wife and I grossly misread each other's tones of voice when making a statement or a request, which can cause a simple conversation to escalate very fast into an argument. We only recognized this very recently. Since then, we either leave a note or each other or simply ask one another the meaning behind each other's tone of voice (before escalating the argument). Much more often than not, the meaning of our words was completely different than the tone that was picked up on (sarcasm vs. sincerity; joking vs. serious; anger vs. concern; etc.). Those two tactics have done a lot to diffuse a potential communication breakdown.

If you choose to try a note, be sure all wording is neutral and non-accusatory. For example, you could write something like: "I have noticed that Taylor might be a bit overweight to the point of being unhealthy. This is very concerning to me. What do you think can be done to improve this situation?" 

Also, be up front and just as non-accusatory, when you explain why you may try to use a note. Say something like, "I love you and love being married to you, but sometimes we do not communicate effectively when we speak to each other and don't know why that is. I want to try to convey my thoughts with a note in the hopes that we can get our thoughts across to each other better."


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## Akfranklin2014 (May 9, 2017)

I’m very interested in this. My husband sometimes does the same thing as OP’s wife when it comes to discussing something or not arguing in front of the kids. He will blow up at the slightest thing and I can’t ever calm him down. He doesn’t threaten to leave, but he does have low self esteem. His mother favored his older brother over him and that is still evident today. He’s always saying everything is his fault and he’s a bad person, etc. We have been to counseling but the communication there doesn’t really seem to work for us. Since we met I’ve written letters as sometimes I find that an easier way to express my feelings. So I’m interested in seeing the suggestions here.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

My wife made a comment once after a heated debate that "her hand was on the doorknob." I told her let me know next time and I'll kick the ****ing door down. It's a way to control the relationship and it's working as you're hesitant to bring things to her attention. 

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## Saibasu (Nov 3, 2016)

I feel for you. But there is something more going on here. There is no question your wife has low self esteem, as evident by the "I'm a bad mother, bad person". I'm telling you as a woman who has felt those same feelings, she thinks you have nothing good to say to her. If a woman is praised often and shown/told how great she is, then simple conversations, like about your child's weight. Will have very little bearing on her own self worth. If a woman isn't praised/told how GOOD she is at things, then even small things will kick her pretty darn hard. This may not make sense to you, but I can safely say this is probably what's going on. My H has never said BAD things to me before, but the lack of good things still felt the same. So whenever he did talk to me, it felt like it was only to criticize me, even tho that usually wasn't his intention. You shouldn't just speak up when there is an issue. Being a good wife and loving mother isn't her "obligation" she does it because she wants to, so letting her know more how great she is will go a long way to building her back up. I know you may *think* you say enough positive, lord know my h thought he did, but her ACTIONS are saying it's not enough.

I hope you understand what I'm saying. Good luck! I mean that


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I agree your wife has low self esteem. I think she also feels trapped because she either feels incapable of effecting change (as in the case of the weight) or overwhelmed by the responsibilities in her life (handling money, raising kids, pleasing her husband, work, caring for a house, etc). She seems to have trouble taking her fears and concerns and expressing them when she is in an emotional situation (being challenged, disagreeing with you). I also think she feels you guys are not real partners - like she is responsible ultimately for everything - and this is why she becomes defensive when you press on the weight subject.

While I would like to say call her bluff, I think there is a more loving way to approach it. First, when she says this, recognize that she is feeling trapped (I don't know how to handle this so I will just leave). The conversation needs to end at that moment with you saying she appears frustrated and perhaps the conversation should be continued in 10 minutes. Suggest you both think about solutions in the interim 10 minutes. She will either come back with a clearer head, or she will have further convinced herself that she is alone in whatever the problem is. Re-assure that you are a team, and you will figure it out together. Later, in bed perhaps, tell her how much it hurts you that she says she wants to leave. Tell her you love her. 

The other thing in addition you can do is try to identify her emotions for her to help her focus. Things like "you seem overwhelmed - are you?" "you seem very mad about this".

This is going to take quite a few attempts, but she will get better at catching herself and identify/expressing her feelings.


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