# I don't know what to do



## ANK (Apr 6, 2015)

First time poster here. I've been following posts of others though and am hoping to get some advice/insight. My husband and I have been married for about 7.5 years. We have two kids, ages 2.5 and almost 6. My husband has never been an incredibly pleasant person, always has had some anger issues and just seems pretty unhappy overall. He worked on it a lot and it got better after we started dating. Over the past couple years though, he has just seemed miserable all the time and I stopped trying to talk to him because it was like talking to a wall. We would still go on dates and do fun things with the kids thought all of this. I have always run the household, he will help when asked with things, but has not taken initiative or shown much interest in our home, finances, etc. I have always been the decision maker in our relationship, he has never been one to express much of an opinion. I think all of this has been wearing on me. Add to that the sudden death of one of my best friend's husbands and my Grandma in January and things just came to a head. 

I ended up going to visit a friend in early February and had too much to drink and kissed a guy who I had been friends only with up to that point. I instantly was sick about it and regretted everything. Immediately upon returning home from my friend's I found a therapist and started going weekly. I told my husband how I was feeling and what happened and he understandably freaked out. I had worked through enough with the therapist at this point that we were able to talk about what he could do to be more of an equal partner in our relationship and we started to try to work through things. He went an saw a therapist on his own and then we started seeing a therapist as a couple. I thought things were getting better, we were making time to spend with each other and I was focusing on doing other things to make myself happy, crafts, going out with girlfriends, exercising, etc. He started working out again and is making attempts to be more involved in so many ways and I thought he was much happier. I have been honest with him about not knowing where we will end up and not feeling 100% about being in love with him but I told him I was trying and planned to continue trying. We sent the kids to my parent's house and had what I thought was a decent date night on Friday night. 

Then yesterday we went to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Easter with our kids and my parents. He works Sunday mornings, so he met me and my parents there. As soon as I walked in the door, he told me I should get a life insurance policy for him before the summer. He looked so sad and angry and just kept rambling things to our kids about how much he loved them. Then he called my brother and started saying all kinds of crazy stuff about how he thinks I would be better off if he were dead and said he was going to kill the guy and then kill himself. He said horrible things about me to my family and to say those things about doing harm to others and himself. He had been drinking but I don't know how much. He is just a social drinker and it's never been a problem before. He got better towards the evening and has been apologizing to everyone today. I can't stop thinking about the things he said though. I know he would never hurt me or the kids but I feel sick today. I called our therapist last night and left a voicemail but he hasn't called back. I called my therapist to try to get an appointment as well. 

As a side note, through all of this, he has tried to step up so much which I appreciate but he has also been obsessive about asking me where I stand with our relationship and texting and saying how much he loves me and how he will do anything for me. Some days I feel like I might suffocate. Our relationship obviously needed fixing prior to me breaking it even more, but now I just don't know if I can get past it all, especially after he said those things yesterday. 

Sorry this is so long but I just want to present as much of the situation as I can. Any advice or insight anyone has would be very much appreciated.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I commend you for stopping with the OM after a kiss, going to your H with a confession and spilling it on the table were you stand in the marriage. 

I would say his drunken outburst was partial show and frustration as you appear on the fence with the relationship. BTW, life insurance does not pay if the person named on the insurance cert commits suicide. 

Anyway, you are upset as you H has some issues he was working on half-heartedly. This made you detach and consider life outside marriage. Now that it has come to a head and....



> he has tried to step up so much which I appreciate but he has also been obsessive about asking me where I stand with our relationship and texting and saying how much he loves me and how he will do anything for me. Some days I feel like I might suffocate. Our relationship obviously needed fixing prior to me breaking it even more, but now I just don't know if I can get past it all, especially after he said those things yesterday.


He has stepped up and you are still not happy? You are suffocating at time? Your H would like an answer? Well sure, he is trying to make it right for a wrong you started....kissing another man. Can your H get past a kiss with OM and the fence sitting by you? Appears to me your H is frustrated and alcohol fulled a response. You might want to discuss why he said what he said. We here can not give you that answer.


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## ANK (Apr 6, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> He has stepped up and you are still not happy? You are suffocating at time? Your H would like an answer? Well sure, he is trying to make it right for a wrong you started....kissing another man. Can your H get past a kiss with OM and the fence sitting by you? Appears to me your H is frustrated and alcohol fulled a response. You might want to discuss why he said what he said. We here can not give you that answer.


Thanks for your feedback. What you are saying makes sense.

I am not sure it is fair to say that I started the "wrong". He was a fairly miserable person for a couple years and now says he was depressed. I had to carry that along with the responsibilities of running a household and raising our two kids. I definitely did something wrong but we both did wrong. We have talked about how it took several years for things to get that bad and it will take time for things to get better. I am putting in that time and the work on our relationship to go along with it. I think the suffocating feeling comes from him pushing me so hard and then doing something like this when he is not having a good day. He tells me I'm all he has. I can't be everything to him and all he has, that is a lot of pressure to put on a person. I think on our path to getting a better, more stable relationship, there will be bumps and threatening to harm people and having a breakdown is not an acceptable way to deal with those things. Today he says he is sorry and didn't mean anything he said but hearing those things was traumatizing to me and our 5 year old son was scared by his behavior, not to mention the rest of my family/extended family.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ANK said:


> Thanks for your feedback. What you are saying makes sense.
> 
> *I am not sure it is fair to say that I started the "wrong". He was a fairly miserable person for a couple years and now says he was depressed. * I had to carry that along with the responsibilities of running a household and raising our two kids. I definitely did something wrong but we both did wrong. We have talked about how it took several years for things to get that bad and it will take time for things to get better. I am putting in that time and the work on our relationship to go along with it. I think the suffocating feeling comes from him pushing me so hard and then doing something like this when he is not having a good day. He tells me I'm all he has. I can't be everything to him and all he has, that is a lot of pressure to put on a person. I think on our path to getting a better, more stable relationship, there will be bumps and threatening to harm people and having a breakdown is not an acceptable way to deal with those things. Today he says he is sorry and didn't mean anything he said but hearing those things was traumatizing to me and our 5 year old son was scared by his behavior, not to mention the rest of my family/extended family.


No matter how you cut it...infidelity is never the answer to marriage woes. Don't blame your H for your kissing OM. That was your choice. The correct choice, however, was working on his problem and if it is something unsurmountable divorce. Introducing OM was the one most incorrect response you took to resolve your marriage issues. Own it. Your H is now owning his portion of the 50/50 marriage. He is getting help. He is working on himself and looking to make it right. Meanwhile you are blaming him for creating a mess that you had a hand in. Now the mess is worse. Sorry to be harsh here but you are putting the entire mess squarely on your H lap. Now that you H has apologized for what he said in his drunken outburst to you, the kids and family how have you apologized to your H, kids and family traumatizing your marriage with OM? 

Has your H exposed what your indiscretion to everyone or was there no consequences? Was OM W told of what had occurred. If not, guess what your H is suffering alone? Where is OM now? Has a NC letter been sent to OM? All of your PW and phone are accessible to your H. Understand....you have lost his trust. Hard to get that back. If at all.


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## ANK (Apr 6, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> No matter how you cut it...infidelity is never the answer to marriage woes. Don't blame your H for your kissing OM. That was your choice. The correct choice, however, was working on his problem and if it is something unsurmountable divorce. Introducing OM was the one most incorrect response you took to resolve your marriage issues. Own it. Your H is now owning his portion of the 50/50 marriage. He is getting help. He is working on himself and looking to make it right. Meanwhile you are blaming him for creating a mess that you had a hand in. Now the mess is worse. Sorry to be harsh here but you are putting the entire mess squarely on your H lap. Now that you H has apologized for what he said in his drunken outburst to you, the kids and family how have you apologized to your H, kids and family traumatizing your marriage with OM?
> 
> Has you H exposed what your indiscretion to everyone or was there no consequences? Was OM W told of what had occurred. If not, guess what your H is suffering alone? Where is OM now? Has a NC letter been sent to OM? All of you PW and phone are accessible to your H. Understand....you have lost his trust. Hard to get that back. If at all.


I told the guy not to communicate with me at all and I have not seen or spoken to him via phone or any other method except for that one time to say to stay away from me. I have apologized for my mistake at least 100 times and my husband or myself have told everyone in my family that I was unfaithful. To say that my husband is suffering alone is crap.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Some life insurance policies do pay for suicide. Many years ago the neighbor of a friend of mine committed suicide and his wife was still able to cash in the $500,000 life insurance policy. I think it's kindof a "myth" that no policies work this way.

I will say that I understand your H's outburst and threat. I've done the same thing when I was out of my mind with uncertainty. Would I have done it? No, because I love my kids too much. But I said it, and I actually did mean that I was hurting that much. I don't feel that way at all anymore, thankfully. 

I don't really have any advice, but I also wanted to commend you for putting a stop to the possible affair before it got legs!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ANK said:


> I told the guy not to communicate with me at all and I have not seen or spoken to him via phone or any other method except for that one time to say to stay away from me. I have apologized for my mistake at least 100 times and my husband or myself have told everyone in my family that I was unfaithful. To say that my husband is suffering alone is crap.


If your looking for validation of infidelity you will not find it here. You have no idea what your H is suffering. It is humiliating. You do not appear remorseful. 

So a drunken night the alcohol allows your H to say things that he has been harboring. You stand aghast. Now you know what your your H is suffering. Honestly, your H is talking life insurance policies, hurting OM and doing himself in. You have no idea what he is suffering alone?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> If your looking for validation of infidelity you will not find it here. You have no idea what your H is suffering. It is humiliating. You do not appear remorseful.
> 
> So a drunken night the alcohol allows your H to say things that he has been harboring. You stand aghast. Now you know what your your H is suffering. Honestly, your H is talking life insurance policies, hurting OM and doing himself in. You have no idea what he is suffering alone?


I disagree. I think she appears quite remorseful.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I disagree. I think she appears quite remorseful.


Any attempt to explain what happened is seen by some here as not owning and making excuses. That's the mantra of TAM unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ANK (Apr 6, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I disagree. I think she appears quite remorseful.


Thanks for recognizing that. I am very remorseful about what I did but unfortunately I can't take it back, so right now I have to focus on our kids and figuring out if I can repair things with my husband.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you can repair things with your husband. He needs to stop drinking as he can't handle it. It sounds like he suddenly woke up and now is afraid of loosing you. I think you need to reassure him that you are staying in the marriage and want to work on it (if that's what you want to do). You two can move on from here but he needs to forgive you for what you did and NOT bring it up again.


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## ANK (Apr 6, 2015)

Just as an update, I saw my therapist yesterday and explained the situation and she said she believes based on what I have told her that my husband is suffering from depression and needs regular counseling to work through it. I told him to find a counselor and start going regularly and that I would support him while he works on himself and then we can work on us. We also agreed that he should stay away from alcohol in the meantime. He has his first appointment today so hopefully it helps him and in turn helps our relationship and then we continue to move forward.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

ANK said:


> Just as an update, I saw my therapist yesterday and explained the situation and she said she believes based on what I have told her that my husband is suffering from depression and needs regular counseling to work through it. I told him to find a counselor and start going regularly and that I would support him while he works on himself and then we can work on us. We also agreed that he should stay away from alcohol in the meantime. He has his first appointment today so hopefully it helps him and in turn helps our relationship and then we continue to move forward.


I was thinkinf depression when I read your first post. Sounds like some talk and maybe a little Prozac might be just the thing. The problem with depression is that it figuratively makes mountains out of molehills.

This wont go away overnight...but it sounds like you are moving in the right direction.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

He wants to kill some guy because the guy kissed you??

It's more your fault than the other guy!


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

My take on this is that he is feeling very guilty, he is flooded with emotion around the fact that his marriage is failing or has failed and at a loss how to fix it. What do we do when we lose hope? We want to die. that's my take anyhow. I disagree with other posters that infidelity of any sort is something to be ashamed of. In my opinion it is a symptom of something bigger. I know I don't fit in here at TAM too well because there are a lot of people here who like to shame posters. 

I think infidelity or what people love to call EA (um... a friendship with a person of the other sex), is a symptom of dysfunction in your marriage. At a loss you look or fall into finding the connection you miss somewhere else. Does it make you a bad person? Hell no. 

I think it's far worse what many people do which is to become completely disconnected, depressed and lethargic in their relationship... until they get a wake up call. How is that any worse than kissing someone? Seriously. But I don't have religious beliefs around this. 

It sounds to me like your H is lost, and scrambling, he's hanging on to that cliff with his fingernails and getting drunk and basically telling you he's going to commit suicide is a cry for help. He's lost and doesn't know how to fix this. 

Mine never went that far but I had to push him to the wall and tell him I was leaving for him to go seek help. It's not great but it's much better than it's been in years. He's actually trying . It's hard, and some days I want to leave and other days I think it's ok. For years I tried to fix it alone, doesn't work. 

Good luck and remember to take care of yourself. .


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