# Do I have this conversation.....again?



## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

So my wife and I have been married 29 years. We are in our early 50s. Kids are all grown and out. We have settled into a once a week sex life which occurs on Saturday nights. We generally have a date night on Saturdays, out for a nice dinner then on to one of our favorite local spots for an after dinner drink, listen to some music then home to conclude our Saturday evening in the usual fashion. 

I’ve been reading a lot on this site about HD/LD couples and have come to the conclusion that I’d like to increase our frequency to at least twice a week. That was probably our average over the early years of our marriage and I can be fine with that. I think that over the past years I have been rejected enough for anything that might occur during the week I sort of gave up trying and figured our Saturday night sex was a “sure thing” so leave it at that and just wait for the week to go by and take what I can get. My wife seems to enjoy our lovemaking as she almost always has what seems to be a pleasurable orgasm but my take on things is a little different.

My feeling is that she pays very little attention to my wants and needs during sex. She pretty much lays on her back the whole time, reaches her climax and then it’s my turn to finish and for her it’s OK, let’s get some sleep. She won’t perform oral on me although she enjoys me performing it on her. I’d really like her be more observant of what I’d like to do or at least make my experience more enjoyable. So I’ve had this conversation with her twice within the last couple of months. I discussed that I’d like to have sex more than once a week, I’ve asked her if she could initiate once in a while and if there is anything I can do to make things better for her. She says in her mind all is well and nods when I ask about increasing our frequency but I still get rejected if I attempt anything during the week. I’ve also talked to her about a lack of affection. I’m the one who initiates any hugs, kisses or even holding hands. She’s said she’d do better at that too but again nothing has changed. She basically has physical contact with me one night a week. 

I’ve tried to make sure I take care of myself as I’m in the gym three times per week and dropped about 25 pounds about 5 years ago and have kept it off. So I think I’m doing pretty well as far keeping my appearance up, although no amount of time in the gym will regrow my receding hairline. Overall we have a good relationship. We enjoy doing things together and like each others company but this piece of our life is really starting to get to me. So I really don’t know if I want to have this conversation for a third time but I don’t know what else to do to try to get my points across and get her to change. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

SoxFan said:


> So my wife and I have been married 29 years. We are in our early 50s. Kids are all grown and out. We have settled into a once a week sex life which occurs on Saturday nights. We generally have a date night on Saturdays, out for a nice dinner then on to one of our favorite local spots for an after dinner drink, listen to some music then home to conclude our Saturday evening in the usual fashion.
> 
> I’ve been reading a lot on this site about HD/LD couples and have come to the conclusion that I’d like to increase our frequency to at least twice a week. That was probably our average over the early years of our marriage and I can be fine with that. I think that over the past years I have been rejected enough for anything that might occur during the week I sort of gave up trying and figured our Saturday night sex was a “sure thing” so leave it at that and just wait for the week to go by and take what I can get. My wife seems to enjoy our lovemaking as she almost always has what seems to be a pleasurable orgasm but my take on things is a little different.
> 
> ...


I don't see any problem with you expecting sex with her as an enthusiastic participant twice a week. Whatever you may lack in stamina or energy is more than offset by having free time (not having a family to raise). 

I don't see any other way than to simply be honest with your wife. Your conversation may be easier than some others as she can't make many excuses. You meet her needs, make a sincere effort to keep yourself attractive, aren't "old" enough for sex to be a physical burden, and have tons of opportunity.

If you need to, turn down the thermostat. Find something you do provide that she values and provide less of it. Tell her that she's responsible for meeting your need and her continual refusal to be a good sex partner is impacting how you feel about her and the marriage.

Also, figure out exactly what activities you want her to do, and communicate that directly to her.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Good heavens I am living as someone else in a parallel universe.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

You also don't have to participate in bad sex. 

I just quit having sex with an abusive wife and whacked off next to her in bed every night. It drove her crazy, to the point of breaking down and sobbing so I finally relented and she was like a completely different person that night - passionately kissing me and really screwing with gusto. 

I ended up leaving her, but the lesson here was that she had felt all comfy and in control so long as I put up with bad sex. As with your case, she got what she wanted out of it and I felt miserable. So I went on strike.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's been a long time for habits to form. You kind of have to train her to reassociate various times with her reaching out to you for affection. If you make a joke and she laughs, tell her you deserve a hug for that. You two go to the mall and you grab her hand. She doesn't think about it, you just do it and all is fine. But instead, ask her to take your hand. When you go back to the car, tell her to lean over and give you a kiss. After dinner, tell her to cuddle up with you as you watch a movie together. Yes, I know it feels like you are still initiating affection but what you are also doing is demonstrating how frequently you initiate affection as opposed to times when she could initiate affection.

I personally believe, that all else being good and fine, more affection naturally leads to more sex, but these forums are filled with examples of how this is not true in many cases. If this is also not true in your case ....

After you two have developed more shared affectionate moments between you, you are going to have to explain that you feel unloved when she is a passive recipient in bed. Explain that sex between two people in love is not "one person does and the other gets done to..." Explain that you'd like to feel her love and passion for you by her arresting your body, exploring your body. Ask her, since she may not be comfortable and may not really know what to do, if she would like for you to give her directions "on the fly" or explain now that you wold like her to caress you here, rub you there, tickle you here.

LASTLY, once you have got beyond the above and she is being more affectionate on her own, initiating sex at times, and more comfortable touching you during sex, ask her for oral sex as part of foreplay. Maybe start together in the shower, having her wash you. You can demonstrate what you mean by washing her, giving her a little bit of oral than asking her to reciprocate. 

Also, shave your balls and pubes around your penis. Most women don't like hair in their mouth. Or you can ask her to shave you...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

So you are having sex 52 times a year and complaining?

What is more important you getting more sex or your wife being happier?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> So you are having sex 52 times a year and complaining?
> 
> What is more important you getting more sex or your wife being happier?


I don't think you read the Op.

His entire problem doesn't revolve around the amount of sex.

A large part of his problem is his wife isn't into him the way he'd like.

I don't see why it's wrong to attempt to fix that problem.

OP,this has been going on for such a long time you've allowed an established routine/pattern to become the norm.
It may be very difficult to get through to her the seriousness of your problem as she apparently doesn't see a problem even after you discuss it with her.

What are the chances for counseling?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm just impressed that y'all are still kicking it after 29 years! I want to be like y'all when I grow up!

You do realize that some people here on TAM are once a MONTH and been married only a fraction of the time, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Have you tried adding new things in the "sex mix" to spice things up? Toys, lubes, flavored gels, etc. What was she into in the early days of your sex life?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don't think you read the Op.
> 
> His entire problem doesn't revolve around the amount of sex.
> 
> ...


I would counter by saying she DOES care about his needs by allowing sex ONCE A WEEK or over 50 times per year every year...she probably could do better herself with less but knows he needs more.

The OP wants the moon and the stars too.

Sure he can WANT more so do I. Difference is he gets sex every week.
Is it really her issue or his. I'd lean his. She is most certainly meeting more than halfway.

Doesn't hurt to let her know what you want/miss but expecting it is foolish and unlikely to change. I think its a waste of time trying to change your spouse... you only control you.

I don't know about you all... but I'd rather have sex be whatever it is without forcing someone to change.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> I would counter by saying she DOES care about his needs by allowing sex ONCE A WEEK or over 50 times per year every year.


Some of want a bit more than crumbs thrown at our feet.
Some of us value ourselves too much for that.



> The OP wants the moon and the stars too.


It's terribly sad that you'd equate the desire of your woman to something literally unattainable.
I'm sorry.



> Sure he can WANT more so do I.
> Is it really her issue or his. I'd lean his.


It's his, which means it's hers.
That's what the whole marriage gig is about.

It could become her issue really fast in some relationships.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Some of want a bit more than crumbs thrown at our feet.
> Some of us value ourselves too much for that.
> 
> 
> ...


So you are saying I don't value myself?

That you all are special? We are all human and have similar needs/desires.

I'm a realist... sex should not be an issue between a married couple. It either is or isn't there at different stages of a marriage. It is not static for the entire marriage.... people go through different desire levels.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> ...
> I'm a realist... sex should not be an issue between a married couple. It either is or isn't there at different stages of a marriage. It is not static for the entire marriage.... people go through different desire levels.


Well I can testify to the fact that if ther isn't any sex there one seriously questions whether in fact what one has is a spouse or some kind of room-mate or sibling type person.

If sex wasn't an issue this whole section of TAM would be redundant and all the frustrated or struggling spouses would be magically happy.

Yes, people go through different desire levels, but sitting back and accepting it without trying to resolve it, if it is seen as a problem by either party, is not going to enhance the marriage.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Trying2figureitout said:


> The OP wants the moon and the stars too.


Seriously? Asking for a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship with your wife is "moon and stars"?

OP, a few things...

First figure out what YOU feel would be an ideal sexual relationship with your wife. Be honest with yourself. If you would be happy with sex twice a week, once per week isn't a bad compromise. But if you'd like it 4-5 times per week, tell her that. Don't be afraid to express what your sexual needs are.

Second, never stop initiating. You have sex once per week now and if you complain what you will hear is "well, you never try during the week." Initiate and make her say no.

Third, make sure you are meeting her needs and confirm that you are. Don't assume her needs are a roof over her head or money to spend (although those two could be her "security" need). Once you know and confirm from her that you are meeting her needs, explain that your needs must also be met to assure a strong marriage.

Finally, tell her what you want in bed. If you want oral from her, tell her. Gently direct her in that direction or when you perform oral on her assume the 69 position so she knows that you want the same thing.


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## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

My thanks to all who have responded. I think that this situation is definitely worth working on. I get it that when compared to some of the people posting here my once a week sex is a frequency that they would be thrilled with but for me it’s not enough and no….I don’t think I’m asking for the moon and stars. I totally enjoy and look forward to the closeness and intimate feelings our love making gives me and I want my wife to feel the same way.

I also understand that I enabled this once a week habit over a number of years and it will take time to try and get out of that. I’m going to go ahead and take some of the suggestions here and also have another conversation. I’m concerned that if things don’t change I will start to develop some resentment that might affect our overall relationship. 

What I don’t want is to get into a contest of who was the last one to initiate a hug, a kiss, a cuddle or sex. We need to get to a place where these types of things can happen spontaneously by either of us. In my mind it gives me a feeling of being wanted and needed anytime she shows me a bit of affection and when I don’t get any of that it feels like we are in a roommate situation and not husband and wife. I’ve explained this before and have yet to see her take it seriously or work to change.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

SoxFan said:


> So my wife and I have been married 29 years. We are in our early 50s. Kids are all grown and out. We have settled into a once a week sex life which occurs on Saturday nights. We generally have a date night on Saturdays, out for a nice dinner then on to one of our favorite local spots for an after dinner drink, listen to some music then home to conclude our Saturday evening in the usual fashion.
> 
> I’ve been reading a lot on this site about HD/LD couples and have come to the conclusion that I’d like to increase our frequency to at least twice a week. That was probably our average over the early years of our marriage and I can be fine with that. I think that over the past years I have been rejected enough for anything that might occur during the week I sort of gave up trying and figured our Saturday night sex was a “sure thing” so leave it at that and just wait for the week to go by and take what I can get. My wife seems to enjoy our lovemaking as she almost always has what seems to be a pleasurable orgasm but my take on things is a little different.
> 
> ...


 Re: Panicking...I hate this 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sox
I was in the same boat as you. The marriage was sexless, fights, disrespect, F-bombs thrown in my face almost daily, negative attitude, just a total marital hell.....I typed up our states divorce laws, left them on her placemat, and walked....I came back in a few hours, BIG FIGHT....We decided we had too much invested in our marriage to divorce, we needed help....
Someone suggested the book "The 5 Love Languages"...I bought it that day. I had NO hope the book would help...When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts


If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...

People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joind me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will see the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

My advise is get the book, do the program with your wife. Practice it for a couple of months, and see if your marriage and feelings about each other aren't improved ....All you have to loose is 10 bucks....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> So you are having sex 52 times a year and complaining?
> 
> What is more important you getting more sex or your wife being happier?


What kind of twisted reasoning equates a happier wife with less sex...More sex made my wife a much happier woman....

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> So you are having sex 52 times a year and complaining?
> 
> What is more important you getting more sex or your wife being happier?


Sex 52 times a month would not be too much sex....52 times a year is very low....


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