# Married 49 days and he moved out.. insight please??



## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Long story short as best as I can. 

Husband and I are in our upper 30's. Married in August, we lived together before marriage. After we married, arguments began primarily because communication just didn't seem to click as much anymore, it's as if we acquired some weird language barrier as soon as our vows were said and done. Our first fight after marriage was how he hates I make more money than he does (more by 3x). He began in a daily cycle, at least twice a day of first saying he was very happy... then switching to how miserable and unhappy he was and how we're not right for each other hours later from that (even if things were going smoothly). This messed my head up and banged my heart up, to say the very least. It was like walking through a mine field at times, not knowing what to expect or when. 

3 weeks ago, we fought and I kicked him out. I was at my wits end with the emotional yo-yo. A week later he came back home and wanted to work things out. The next week and a half went really great, we were happy lovebirds. Then major stress with his job hit in the beginning of this past week (as in he may lose it) and his mom who is dying...he is having a hard time dealing with it as her condition worsens. He completely shut down and we stopped having sex. I stayed loving, supportive and understanding. 

On Friday night, we had an argument. When I got into bed, he told me that he was unhappy and wants a divorce. He said he cannot take anymore of the arguing. Although I wasn't exactly surprised, it slammed me like a wrecking ball, perhaps it was in his tone this time. I sobbed and said that I cannot lay next to him all night knowing he wants to divorce me. He got up, packed a bag and left to his sisters house. Although I was devastated, I didn't chase him out the door. I felt frozen, weak, lost. He said he'd be back for his things Sunday (today). I packed everything up for him nicely (I still love him very much, but if I cannot make him stay....) There was no contact between us at all after he left. 

This afternoon, he came and got his stuff. We were pleasant, not too many words were spoken. I made sure I looked really good (and he noticed, he was caught checking me out) and I stayed chipper as possible...as badly as I felt like crying and throwing myself at his feet to beg him to stay. Desperate isn't very attractive, so I didn't go there. 

After he left, he started texting me. He noticed the baggies of vitamins on top of a box I packed up for him and he said thank you for them. I left a note in there for how many for him to take daily and that he needed to buy this other bottle of vitamins I just got and he started to take too. He then texted me from the store and asked which bottle (mg) to get. We had some small talk and I asked him to please keep me on the insurance and to please not rack up any marital debt, he said he won't rack up debt and he'll keep me on his insurance. I told him I'll file if he wants, but don't think I want to do it til sometime next year after taxes. he said OK. (wink-wink...yes, lame excuse BUT I am buying time here hoping for a reconciliation that'll get us into marital counseling. Before he left on Friday, he didn't want counseling for us, said it wouldn't help). 

My best friends have told me to lay very low. They said, do not initiate any contact with him, let him come to me. If he does initiate contact, do not throw my feelings out there and let him lead the conversations. In addition, to not file for divorce, try to prolong it as long as possible....give him time to soul search and give him time to miss me.

THIS IS THE CONFUSING PART FOR ME....Help?!

Every single day up until the day he left me on Friday, since our first date ---he carried 2 thumb sized shells in his pocket religiously that I gave him on our first date at the beach 3 years ago. They are very special to him...a couple of times when he was rushing off to work he forgot them and it just ruined his day not having them on him. I put those two shells in his stuff. He texted me and said, "Thank you for my shells." I texted back, "Wasn't sure if you wanted them or not. You're welcome." ----and then I just cried like a baby after. That was the last text I received from him an hour and a half ago. 

I just don't get any of this. I especially don't get why the shells are still so important to him if he wants to be apart and be divorced. I'm so crushed. I love my husband so much - I am still so IN LOVE with him, I do not want to be apart. I know I have to give him space...I'm not going to become crazy and chase him like a dog chases a car, only to drive him further away. 

The hole I have in me is so huge. Although I am still living life, taking care of myself, exercising, grooming, working and so forth, not slacking on what I need to do...sometimes I walk around the house aimlessly, depressed and nervous like a lost little puppy praying, hoping, tossing wishes and my wants out into the universe to bring him back home to me. I'm in real, real sad shape. I'm just going through the motions feeling 1001 different things every few seconds. I'll take my wedding ring off feeling neglected, abandoned, etc....5 minutes later I run to grab it and put it on again as if my finger is going to fall off without it. When alone, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I do not want to hang out with any of my friends right now....I do not want to hear about their wonderful husbands and I do not want to keep on talking about mine, over-killing the subject.

I do not want a divorce. I want my marriage. I want to work on things in marital counseling---but I have to wait things out to see if he will ever be ready. He isn't running to file for a divorce as it stands...that's the only speck of hope I have right now---and his thanking me for his shells. Does a man who wants a divorce thank his wife for THE shells that symbolizes his love for her and vice-versa??? I would think if he wants a divorce, he wouldn't give a hoot, wouldn't acknowledge them or would toss them?? (Guys, anyone...your thoughts on that part??) 

I really just needed to get this all out. I REALLY need some thoughts and insight. Married 49 days so far and what I really want is 49 more years. 

Important! ---PS. No...there is no other woman, he is not cheating. He is a monogamy-nazi. He is the homebody family man type and is the type all about togetherness. Except for work, he's always with me doing things (volleyball, exercise, going to the beach, shopping, we go out with other couples together and we do not have separate "guys or girls nights out" etc.).....even when we go on the computer, we sit side by side with our laptops and play the same games and have full access knowing each others passwords. Our cell phones have never been off limits to each other and never hidden or "protected" from the other. Just want to clear that up right away.  

Thanks for listening. Your support and response is GREATLY appreciated.

MrsJT


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

wow, just by reading that made me emotional, but, let me try to explain ( if i can) what may be happening. It sounds like he is going thru alot of emotions right now, with his job and his mom, those are huge for any man. His mom is suppose to be his world, she brought him into the world, raised him, loved him and was there for him every step of the way ( i know bc i am a mom). and the whole job thing is also a strain, put them together and man you have one messed up situation, it is no wonder he and you are confused. i think what needs to happen is just some time apart. it sounds like you were with each other 24/7 which is not healthy for any relationship, you need time away from one another, to grow as a couple, you need to be your own person. Couples need to be by themselves every once in a while, they need "guys/ladies nights out? it is normal, and it makes you love one another more and more. i would go insane if my hubby was with me 24/7 and did everything 2gether..

it sounds like he really does love you, but, is going thru alot right now, i think he needs time to think and sort things out, and you need to find some hobbies or something to do with your time, try not to think about him ( i know that is hard) and, yes, let him come to you, and when you do talk, try to ask how he is feeling, like about his mom and his job, let him know you are listening ( dont sound desperate tho) and try to be there for him as best as you can. stress is a really big problem with couples, and you need to understand that he is going thru 2 things right now, that are a HUGE thing for a man. In the 8 years i have been married, my H has gone thru job loss and family things, it takes a toll, when he goes thru these things, i leave him alone and let him work whatever it is out. I do let him know that i am here, and if he wants to talk i am here.


Let him go thru this, and when he is ready, he will come back.


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## Bigsigh (Oct 26, 2009)

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is the worst things possible without a doubt. This is all still new and fresh for you. If you are into reading, a book that I found useful is "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" Pat love and stephen (cant remember his last name)

I am about a year and a half into my separation and amazingly, things have taken a turn for the better. I read so many books trying to figure out what I was doing wrong with him and this one gave me the clarity i needed. He actually said he will read it too  (yipee) I don't know where we are headed at this point, I just know I like where we are.

I know every situation is different, but because this is so fresh for you guys, it may help


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

I know a little about what you are going through as my wife left me last week after 19 years together. He needs to understand that a marriage is an equal partnership and the fact that you make more money than him really does not matter. He needs to understand that his family stress would be lessened by having you by his side more. It sounds like his unhappiness has more to do with him being unhappy within himself and he needs to figure things out for himself. 

The fact that he cherishes those shells may be that it was the happiest time in his life and he wants to hold onto that forever. I am not a therapist but I think both of you should see a professional if not together, then separately.

I wish you the best and it sounds as if you are excellent at expressing your feelings (unlike my wife). Good luck and by the way this helps me to write to you as much as it does you reading this. Good Luck.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Thank you Miss, Big and Holding. I agree about professional help...if I do not get into therapy with him, for certain I am going to need it for myself to prevent myself from cracking.

Last night and this morning, I encountered feelings (not lasting more than a few minutes) of indifference. Or what I thought was indifference...thinking to myself, "Blah, I do not need someone who doesn't need me." When that blew over, the pain stung 10x worse, burrowing into my chest, feeling like I've been gutted out. 

He took everything (like he did last time). His closet is empty. I had to move some of my clothes over into it because I could not stand knowing that empty space was there and it made me nauseous. I sat on the floor staring at the empty space crying. 3 weeks ago when I kicked him out, just from extreme nerves, panic attacks waking me in my sleep in the night and (trying to eat what I could on) no appetite...I lost 8lbs in 7 days. I know that this will be much longer than a week. I'm starting to feel pathetic and unstable from this zig-zagging. I'm typically pretty well grounded and balanced...feeling myself slipping and sliding again has me very scared. Mostly because with each hour passing, I feel like I'm further deteriorating. I am SO vulnerable right now. Keeping my big girl panties pulled half way up is taking every ounce of my strength and self respect. 

I agree that having spent so much time together was unhealthy. It's one of those things you do and do not break from...even while knowing better in the back of your mind. There's definitely some things that I wish I/we would have altered, in hindsight. 

You are right about his being unhappy within himself. I've heard my share of..."Maybe you'd be happier without me....you can do much better than me....you can definitely find a man who can provide for you better than I can....I don't make you happy like you should be...." Then the stuff like, "seems like I can never catch a break"...that pity pot sort of stuff. It's right-on, he is not happy inside. He nitpicks me too. Seems to remember more of the bad times and blacks out on the great times. I realize I'm not a band-aid and I cannot "fix" him...I can only usually pull him off the pity pot for only hours at a time with much support and encouragement, etc. This pains me, leaves me feeling so dang helpless. I'm sure I don't have to elaborate too much on that...I'm sure there's plenty here who has or does experience the same thing.

I spoke to a woman that works with my husband on the phone tonight that I've been helping to lose weight and she really just adores us as a couple....OK, WAIT, let me rephrase that - she adores us as a couple because she adores "ME"and thinks my husband is a cold, rude creature. She sent me this below before I called her on the phone to respond to her email:

"(his name here) is very rude!!! I tell him plenty of times that hes emotionless and needs to take it easy on u. He told me a story last week that all u do is talk.... And i was thinking to myself "whats wrong with that?" then he continued to tell me that u followed him once to the bathroom and talked to him while he was in the shower. Well he said u were on the bed talking into the bathroom to him. I told him hes an a$$hole, I do that stuff all the time with my boyfriend. But (my name here), I do want to let u know that he does love u and the small things like that he will probably get over. his personality is just rude, he doesnt even know it half the time."

She plans to try to weasel into a convo about this tomorrow w/ him. I told her to not expect much more from him than, "I want a divorce, I can't handle the arguing anymore." Just like last time he was out of the house 3 weeks ago. She'll text me in the morning if he is still wearing his wedding ring. Last time he was still wearing it, she said she asked him why if he wanted a divorce so bad, he had told her he won't take it off because he is still married and not divorced. We shall see what happens.

My husband has no idea that she and I talk verbally at all or have actually met for a Zumba class, knows nothing except for the occasional weight loss and fitness advice I help her with, that he knows about ("through Facebook mail"). I'm not a dumb woman to rat-out my 'eyes and ears.' She contacted me through Facebook a year ago after hearing from my husband that a few years back I'd lost a bit over 100lbs and she needed to know how to do it... and she and I just hit it off. 

I'm going to check out that book, ""How to improve your marriage without talking about it" ...thank you for recommending it. 

Also, thank you for allowing me to have a place to spill the lining of my mind and to hear others thoughts and experiences. I feel relieved I found this forum.


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## Diamondsrbff (Jul 17, 2010)

MrsJT,
I feel your pain...my H moved out a month and a half ago. We've been married 22 yrs. and I didn't see it coming. We also did everything together, tennis, friends, happy hours, parties at our house, etc. He comes by to hang with our son (15) & daughter (17) so I see him occasionally I try to stay cool and unaffected but I cry again every time he leaves. 

I totally understand the pain that your feeling as if you heart has been ripped out. I also have been told to give him his space and to let him figure this out...mine might be a mid-life crisis although he says its not b/c he doesn't believe in it. He basically says our relationship has come to an end and he doesn't love me anymore. I too believe there is no one else...but that doesn't mean that I dont have panic attacks thinking that maybe I'm wrong. 

I have been going to therapy on my own b/c again he doesn't believe in that either...I am focusing on taking care of myself, kids, work and home...& I just keep praying. 

I will add you to my prayers that your marriage will be saved and your H will find his way home. Hang in there...it's all we can do.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While I do agree that you need to let him come to you, and I also agree that you don't want to appear desperate, I do think you still need to let him know that you still love him and want your marriage to work. No, don't throw yourself at his feet, crying and making him drag you along as he tries to walk away. But maybe the next time you two talk, you could just tell him, "Look, I'll do whatever you want. But I just want you to know that I still love you and want to be with you. If you want the divorce, then I won't try to stop it. But if you decide you want to come back and try to work it out, I'll be here." 

I do think the job stress and the situation with his mom are a large part of this. You just got married barely more than a month ago; that's pretty stressful, too. I think time apart may help you two work this out. Just continue to be there for him, if he wants to come to you, and don't rush into anything. 

I do also agree on that whole 24/7 togetherness thing too. I love my boyfriend to death, and since he's an otr truck driver, we only see each other for about 3 days every 3 weeks. I'd love more time with him, for sure. But if we were together 24/7, we'd both go nuts. We love being together, spending time together, but we need a little time apart as well. Although...funnily enough, he wants me to get my CDL after the kids are grown and go on the road with him, so go figure...in a few years, maybe we will be together 24/7. lol 

Point is, take this time apart from him to develop some new hobbies and interests, find some things you want to do, that you enjoy, and cultivate those interests. And if/when he does come back, continue to cultivate them. Don't give them up just because he comes back. It's great to be so open with each other, in terms of passwords and access and such, but don't try to act like you're both the same person. That "two become one" thing is symbolic, not realistic.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

MrsJT said: Last night and this morning, I encountered feelings (not lasting more than a few minutes) of indifference. Or what I thought was indifference...thinking to myself, "Blah, I do not need someone who doesn't need me." When that blew over, the pain stung 10x worse, burrowing into my chest, feeling like I've been gutted out. 

Same thing happens to me. When I feel that same way I recognize it and I try to do something else. I pick up the phone right away and call someone, I go to the gym, or I take a walk in the park around my neighborhood. This may sound funny but I tell myself good things even though I may not believe it at the time. When Thoughts like, "I am so sad", "I will never find anyone like her again", "I am so lonely" enter my head I tell myself things like "You are a great catch", "She is insane for leaving you", "You are not alone---you have friends and family". Believe it or not I start to feel better even if I do not believe what I am saying to myself. 

MrsJT wrote: He took everything (like he did last time). His closet is empty. I had to move some of my clothes over into it because I could not stand knowing that empty space was there and it made me nauseous. I sat on the floor staring at the empty space crying. 3 weeks ago when I kicked him out, just from extreme nerves, panic attacks waking me in my sleep in the night and (trying to eat what I could on) no appetite...I lost 8lbs in 7 days. I know that this will be much longer than a week. I'm starting to feel pathetic and unstable from this zig-zagging.

Holdingtwenty wrote: You have to try to take care of #1--yourself. If you are not sleeping you may need some aids to help you sleep (breathing exercises, pills, etc.). I do not know if it is true but I read counting backwards from 1000 by 3s helps. Try it. I read that it was so boring that it works. It sounds to me that you like to work out. Start reading more about nutrition and what foods to eat--- maybe it will take your mind off your grief and bring back your appetite. 

Continue to foster a good friendship with your husband's co-worker but try not to use her to snoop on your husband. You need good friends at this point in your life.

Hope some of what I wrote helps you.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Hi everyone, thanks for responding... had to disappear off into my thoughts for a couple days. Was going through the many stages emotionally...mad, sad, miserable, lost, indifferent, etc. I'm just dangling in between numb and agony right now. Not sure what exactly I'm feeling.

Spoke to him on text last night (that's all he's giving me right now) for about 3 hours. Went ok, expressed for him to take his time to get his thoughts together and I'd be here when ready...but no progress. He was convinced being apart is best, that we're too different and have too many issues he feels won't change. Today, for about an hour on text...got very heated. After I expressed issues that upset me about him that I never did before AFTER he bombarded me tactlessly with a bunch that bothered him about me (after going on and on how we're not right for each other, how we clash, etc.), he told me I finally made him hate me and told me to go to hell. 

I've been absolutely sickened over this. I believe this was the final nail in the coffin. I do not see any way whatsoever that any of this will be fixed, he refuses to do marital counseling and has zero desire to put any effort into anything anymore. I'm now convinced its 100% irreparable and we'll now end up in divorce court. Which only makes my pain that much deeper.

Other than that, there are no words. =(


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Update: I just received another text. He hates me (again), and we're getting divorced. I told him fine...to eat the cost for it and he can have it. I'm reaching point of my final drain. I'm exhausted.

Just a vent for a sec if you don't mind....I'm the "breadwinner" in the house and have supported the house by about 90% in the time we've been together, which he always resented, but never really tried to better himself despite his complaining and insecurities over it. I always felt he would grow into upward mobility as he got older...I love him, was patient and had faith in him for the future....I admit, I'm the fool on that one. I'm always too hopeful. I started feeling taken for granted, even used at times. Whenever I expressed this to him in even the most kind, sincere ways, I would get badgered that I only care about money and how money doesn't mean a thing to him. Yet...there are times where he'd go on and on about how he wants a new motorcycle, a boat....and 2 weeks ago he saw a really nice oceanfront house in foreclosure that he took pics on his phone and sent to me, saying it would be perfect for us and that we could take the down payment from my savings, he could fix up what needed to be done with it. When I explained how that house would take both of our incomes and credit to qualify...that his credit would have to be cleaned up a bit for a loan, that his income would have to be a bit stronger (1/2 of each of his paychecks are taken for child support every two weeks)....blah blah blah, you know how the story goes in qualifying to buy a house.....I became the bad guy. Sometimes, I wonder to myself if I was being used for financial security, even a little bit.

My friends and family tell me I can do way better and that I deserve so much more mentally and so forth. All of their truest thoughts and feelings about him are now surfacing about him. 

I guess there comes a point where you have to just say, "I love you, but I love ME more." 

Sorry to babble, so many thoughts and feelings....thanks for being here.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Update and I need your HELP!  

Now my head is really messed up, sanity feels on the line and I really need some input, please. Anything you have to offer, please do. 

Last night, I got 2 text messages from my husband. 

1st text: 

Husband: This hard on me
Husband: I think about us all the time
Me: This is what you want. This should be light on your mind.
Husband: its not..

Second text a while later:
Husband: You just dont get it
Husband: (my name), I love you...I miss us. I miss the laughing the kissing the loving
Husband: I miss it all
Husband: but I cant deal with the other stuff that has to go along with it
Me: We didn't try fixing it the right way as we know we needed to, or the way it used to work for us before it all changed and we ended up here like this. We didn't follow through. I know my part in where I went wrong. I need time right now, Baby. If you want to work on our marriage, you know how to reach me. Until then, I remain your loyal wife. Good night.

That was our last text.

I then sent him this link in email immediately given to me by a friend for him/us, and asked him to please read it over:

What Is Imago Relationship Therapy?

I am getting mixed signals. One minute he is totally done and enforces it to me that we are totally through and he cannot do this anymore. He enforces that a lot. The next it seems like he is still considering and appears offended/slighted when I've agreed with him that it should end. When we have talked casual everyday stuff and I told him I met a new friend in exercise class (we're new to this area), he assumed it was a man (after telling me 2 days prior to this, he "released" me from my vows and told me to go date whoever I want and move on) and spat at me in text, "YOU CAN TELL YOUR NEW FRIEND HE CAN DO THE PAINTING YOU NEED IN THE HOUSE THEN!!!!" I said, "Um, ok? I will tell HER that??" ---No response in return to that. 

I do not know what to think anymore. I'm becoming very depressed. Getting out of bed in the morning is feeling like a chore. My closest family is 3000 miles away. I have no one close to me in person here to help me cope through this.

Silence is golden. I am now taking that road entirely. It's been very difficult to do that to this point and I really have tried with so much difficulty....but now I feel I have no other option. I feel that since he says he misses me, etc. the "seed" is there in his head and it may grow. I am backed off entirely now and silent for a few days.

What do YOU think is going on here???


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## Confused-Newlywed (Oct 1, 2010)

I think that the shells symbolise happy times. 

Just because he still wants to keep them might not necessarily mean he wants to come back....

Some people will keep hold of sentimental things to remind them of what the items represent. I think you want to see yourself as the shells, that you don't want him to throw you away.

I think he is very confused and I'm not sure the best way forward apart from to suggest trying 6 sessions of marriage counselling to see if there is something salvagable there?

I'm going through a difficult time with my husband. I left for 2 days when my husband threatened leaving me (via text message when he was abroad, no less!) I couldn't handle being apart from him for any longer, despite the pain it causes me to be around him and for things to deterioate into arguments. 

I don't know how your husband can cope being away from you if he does still want to work things out.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

holdingtwenty said:


> MrsJT said: Last night and this morning, I encountered feelings (not lasting more than a few minutes) of indifference. Or what I thought was indifference...thinking to myself, "Blah, I do not need someone who doesn't need me." When that blew over, the pain stung 10x worse, burrowing into my chest, feeling like I've been gutted out.
> 
> Same thing happens to me. When I feel that same way I recognize it and I try to do something else. I pick up the phone right away and call someone, I go to the gym, or I take a walk in the park around my neighborhood. This may sound funny but I tell myself good things even though I may not believe it at the time. When Thoughts like, "I am so sad", "I will never find anyone like her again", "I am so lonely" enter my head I tell myself things like "You are a great catch", "She is insane for leaving you", "You are not alone---you have friends and family". Believe it or not I start to feel better even if I do not believe what I am saying to myself.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Holding Twenty. My sleeplessness caught up with me, finally. Snoozed like a baby last night. I'm Vegan, so I have the nutrition down, it's food for my soul I am now concentrating on. 

Granted, I still experience my moments where my heart hurts so much I swear an attack is coming on and I will shed a tear every now and then, on the flip side, at the same time...I'm also now at that fork in the road right now saying to myself that I can either allow myself further deteriorate or put my big girl panties on...because there is not a damn thing my pity pot is going to benefit toward this situation. I understand and own where I went wrong and can admit my own wrongdoings. And I have. I have heard him express these and I understand them. I am doing things to self-improve for myself first and to correct these behaviors. He has yet to truly admit any of his and quite simply, I will not take responsibility for his own behavioral defects and bear the cross for the both of us. 

He is so far back into his man cave right now that he will only text me random confused messages going back and forth of "It's done, over, I have no more in me to give, and if I did, I wouldn't" and "I love you, I miss you/us, etc." OK, WHOA!...fine...I'm fed up right now with having my head messed with. Let him sit in that cave while I am now intentionally non-responsive to allow him to get that head together. Quite frankly, I'm getting a wee bit "ticked" and if he wants to be without me, then he IS going to be served that dish up straight up from me. I watched the movie, Fireproof, again today...which only added a bit more of "pfffft-whatever" into me today. With as disconnected as he has made himself, the feeling of neglect and abandonment is starting to set in on my end. I am starting to lose some serious respect for him..wait. Did I say STARTING TO? I mean, just pony-up already and deal with our marriage issues head on like a grown up, like a MAN. We're already at the bottom with NOTHING more to lose. 

I am taking a deeper look into myself wondering what in the heck I am doing holding onto hope when I KNOW I deserve BETTER. I have self respect. I have dignity. I also have a very solid, strong sense of commitment, monogamy and stick-to-it-tiveness which is tripping me up. I find myself wondering why I am still wearing my wedding ring when I appear to be the only one it carries symbolism with. I may be wrong, who knows..as long as he camps in that cave, I know nothing for sure at all. My logic and my heart are in a serious battle bickering back and forth. My personal forecast is that "I dont give a damn anymore" is not too far down the line from where I am at right now. I feel it. And it's feeling a lot "better" than how I was feeling in the beginning of the week. 

I have not spoken with my husband's co-worker anymore since that last time. I have chosen to not do so. In reality, I have no idea what she would go back and say to him or whether she would start playing us against one another. I have enough issues to deal with right now in this. Playing it safe and avoiding that, listening to my instincts.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Confused-Newlywed said:


> I think that the shells symbolise happy times.
> 
> Just because he still wants to keep them might not necessarily mean he wants to come back....
> 
> ...


After the last time he (once again) refused marital counseling, I tossed a suggestion that we consider Imago Couples Therapy..a non-blaming and non-aggressive therapy. He has all of the literature now via email at hand to look over it in his free time to decide what he wants to do. Waiting game for me.

My husband is one of the most stubborn men I have ever met in my life. I am not very surprised that if he does want to see me, that he is staying away to "teach me a lesson," which will backfire on him. That is the way he is built, that is what he does...self-sabotages (and the list goes on). . . which makes me highly suspect that he is a true passive-aggressive.

Per our last text convo, he is on a major pity pot, seemed pretty depressed. Calling himself "a piece of sh--t," "feels less than a man," etc. I have tried to be encouraging that he is not, but someone so deep in that state of mind, especially him, doesn't hear it. 

That's about all I know for right now.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

Just trying to give you things to take off your mind.

You are very insightful about your self. You seem very strong and smart. You write well. You KNOW you deserve better and you have self respect. You were also the breadwinner 90% of the time you guys were together. You seem very independent as well. Your family (who lives 3000 miles away) tells you that you can do better and I am sure they are right. I really hope you say that to yourself when you are sad. Keep in mind that He refuses to MAN up to his marriage responsibilities and go to counseling. How does he expect the marriage to get better or stay married at all without help? 

Sounds like he is playing head games with you through texting. When he thinks about being with you he misses you terribly, yet when he thinks about life with you he tells you he cannot take it anymore, you are not right for each other and so on. He needs to grow up and get help. 

You can only control yourself and you need to talk to someone. Who cares if he is depressed and calling himself less than a man. Remember: He left you and HE won't go to counseling. 

I do not think you should answer his texts unless he calls you and state that in the last text you send him. Just my opinion, I do not know you but I think you probably deserve better than to go through this agony in your life. I really wish you luck and get help if you need to talk to someone.


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

On another note---Your husband may have mental problems and be imbalanced. He may need medication and if he refuses help then no one else can help him including you. Just know in your heart that this is not your fault.


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## Shelly29 (Oct 9, 2010)

this all sounds very familiar with what I have been going through in the last 4 days.....

Holdingtwenty... I too have been thinking my husband must have some sort of depression or imbalance because he never in the 6 yrs showed any sign that there was something seriously wrong....There is something in the core of him that has been building up and I can't pin point it..my mother in law suffers from depression....is that something he might be having too?


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

I don't know much as I am not a therapist. I do know that writing about this helps me as much as everyone else here. 

I know that my wife needs help for her problems and refuses to seek any. She left me after 19 years last month to go to another state (Florida) 1100 miles away. She is now away from all her friends (except 2) and all of her family (except 1--her 80 yr old father). Her mother and sister both suffer from depression as well.

When she arrived in Florida, she found out very fast how much she misses me. She could not re-light the water heater, cook food for herself, use her computer, or go food shopping without calling me (among other things). She had an argument with her father and mother and was in tears for 3 days and couldn't even talk to anyone. She claimed she was going to move away to yet another state and not tell anyone. I believe the reason why she left me is because of a lot of anger and depression built up in her and she wants to run away from it all.

I have to say that as the days go by I really am getting less and less sad. That is because I am trying to keep myself busy and I try to tell myself good things when I am sad and it helps. I still like to talk to my wife on the phone and that is because I am probably dependent on her emotionally and I still love her very much. I do know that she needs serious help and she may never come back.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Thank you for your responses. Yes, he is clearly depressed and I am not holding on to any responsibility for that. I have my own head to keep together right now. It hasn't been easy. Some days the pain runs so deeply into my chest that I feel I'll have a heart attack. Some days, like today...I am OK and can muster a smile or two. 

Since I last wrote here, his mom died. I had to find out from someone on a networking site, who came to me, (that is a friend on his page) that she was in hospice last week. I sent him a text asking where she was at so I could say my good byes, he would not tell me and told me that I cannot come because it's his mom and "I" turned my back on the family. WTF. That made no sense. The next day I texted to see how she was doing and he told me that she passed on. I said that I was very sorry and asked how he was holding up and he said, "I'm fine." - and I left it alone. According to her obituary, she was to be cremated and there were no services to be held and I called the facility to confirm this. 

On Tuesday, I believe he was in our house when I was out. He knows my schedule, obviously. Nothing was or missing, but something was "out of place." I turned my dishwasher on before I had left. Now see, my dishwasher gets stuck on that mark where it will not click over to the rinse cycle by itself. You have to manually turn it forward to the rinse cycle, or it will literally wash for days on end. It has been like this for 2-1/2 years now. When I got home, the dial had been turned forward into the direct middle of the turnover point (not all the way over into the rinse cycle) and it was stalled. I stood frozen when I saw this. It was as if he came in and did it out of habit, realized what he was doing and left it in a hurry to get out of the house knowing I'd be home soon. I have run this dishwasher daily since as a test to see if it's formed a new mechanical behavior and it has not. With this, our dog was acting a bit different and kept walking to the stairs and looking up and back at me, as if trying to say, "hey, he was here." The air felt different in the house. When you know, you just know. (In our state, both spouses have full legal right to the house until a divorce is final. Our state does not recognize "legal separation." Only an injunction would prevent this for battery, etc. I cannot change the locks on him, if I do...I could be arrested. I am not concerned, he is not a physical threat to me whatsoever.) If he wants to come home, hey...more power to him. 

From what I think, it appears he felt he just "needed" to come home for a few minutes. I did not ask him and I won't ever. I trust my instincts enough. A few articles of his that have been left behind that are very important to him were out in the open and they were not taken. In our safe, his birth certificate and his most important childhood pictures remained in it. After I last posted here, I tried to return these to him and offered to Fed Ex them to his work so they would arrive safely. He told me not to send them to his work, that he probably wouldn't get it (yeah, right) and when I asked him where else he would like me to send them, he said, "I have no clue. Just rip them up, I guess." Well, of course he knows I won't, that's silly. Mind you, he knows I know his sisters address to send them there but he did not suggest it...and yes, he is staying there, I have driven by her house regularly at night to check. His car is there every night around 9-10pm that I've checked, and I am certainly checking on Friday and Saturday nights. This is the most I have done to "spy" on him for my own knowledge. 

At this point, he has not forwarded his mail to another address from our home. I am still receiving it and collecting it for him. 

On Wednesday, I was having a very kick-butt day. My spirits were awesome. I was feeling chipper and positive. I felt really good. I felt strong. I reached the, "eh, if you love someone, set them free...so why not" mindset. To that point, he was aware I was firmly standing my ground that I did not want a divorce (in my confusion, I went back and forth on this in my own mental garbage with the situatuon, but I've been standing my ground to him 95% to work this out in counseling). I left him a very sweet BUT FIRM, cheery-cheerleader (lol) sort of spirited message on his VM, "Hi (his name), this is (my name)! I hope you are doing well. After some thinking about what you said, I do agree with your feelings and I will cooperate with you on a divorce. This is no way to live with the state of our marriage, as is. I want to be happy and I want you to be happy, whether it is with each other or with our moving forward with other people. Unfortunately, the latter seems what will work at this point. Instead of our marriage having a bridge for mend, it has a wedge in place that is not budging. On that note, I want to briefly speak with you as soon as possible to discuss an approximate day and time in the near future that we can meet to file the easy, quick, agreed divorce at the courthouse. I will be more than willing to either pay for it in full or go in half with you on it, whichever you prefer. I look forward to your call back. Have a great day! Bye!" 

I sounded way too freaking happy like I'd won the state lottery when I played the message back before before sending it through...it made me smile. So I sent it. 

He always, always responds to me. Always. I have not received a single text or phone call in response to that since. That was Wednesday early afternoon, today is Saturday. I have not tried to contact him again and I will not again about this. You know as well as I do that was a slug to his stomach. That man now needs to make a decision. He probably thinks that there is a another man responsible for the cheery and eager message I left him (Good. Let him think that, I'm sure it's crossed his mind. Whatever will set a fire underneath his behind because he does feel occasional jealousy.) Now between you and I...there is no other man and I am not dating anyone. I am holding very solidly in my commitment and monogamy to him. I still wear my wedding ring about 5 out of 7 days. Those other 2 days it's off, I am just so disappointed in our situation and in him to even look at it. 

I do not regret leaving that message a few days after his mom passed. I just don't. Grieving or not, life must goes on and life around a person does not stop due to pain. I am in pain too... I have been grieving over the living, hanging on for one full month now. Yesterday was the one month mark since he moved out. 

My family has had a change of heart after hearing more deeply into a few issues with us. They feel I should try to work this out and let the smoke clear in his head more. I have said to him what I needed to say in that message (a happy "sh#t or get off the pot or I will pull you off of it") and he knows I was very serious...that's why I have not gotten a call back yet. Damn, he must be getting tired of sleeping on an airbed by now, lol...probably why he came by when I wasn't home to lay on our bed for a few moments to remember what a real bed feels like...lol...sorry...I have to laugh at that, but you know that's so, so true. 

I am aware that he has depression issues going on, so if and when he wants to come back home to work everything out and attend therapy together...I am able to forgive him for things said, things done and not done...and can forgive him for not allowing me the opportunity to share in my own good byes with my mother in law. When I said for better or for worse, I meant it. In sickness and in health...well, he is not exactly "well" right now and I cannot overlook this. I will not overlook it like some chump, but I am looking at it fair and reasonably. My gas tank is running low and I am running on idle. I will not standby forever. I've put it out there now for him...I'm sure in some way it has jolted him inside. I will not further contact him whatsoever, it's his move now. 

He's already begun to get a taste of what "being without me" is like by my only contacting him for the necessary things (his mom, an important bill of his that came in the mail)...and I have not brought up "us" at all. From Wednesday when I left the message on....strictly NO contact for ANY reason. I don't care if I end up in the hospital or what not...no calls or contact at all. I'm serving him the dish straight up now. 

If he "really" wants the divorce, mourning or not, he would have at least texted me with something along the lines of, "Got your message, will call soon." A man that really wants a divorce will jump on the opportunity when his wife is willing to run to the courthouse and will even pay half or full for it to get done. 

Am I right...or am I right??? Until then...I wait for his response in complete silence.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It's possible that both you and your husband have high self-esteem. What you think could be what he thinks right now. You're waiting him to come and shows you he needs you while he's waiting you to go to him and show him you still love him. The problem was after fighting, nobody wants to give in first; you somehow love each other dramatically even when having the cold war. It's just the "face" is the obstacle.
Never mind being his little woman, right? He wants to be a man, allow him. When you need him, never mind make a little whining and noise. It won't make you less attractive but a bit innocent and cute. Really, he would fly back to you as he still loves you but he doesn't know how to pull down his face. Give it a try? Why you rather spend time guessing and suffering from all the loneliness silently? Simply sms him you're lonely and you need his company and see what happens? I'm very positive that he might act cool but his heart is hot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

No man in his right mind wants a divorce when he's still in love with his wife... It's very obvious. You open your golden mouth to ask for love, "I need you come to hug and kiss me, it's all your faults why you never come?" He will run like fly to you. Give it a try? Time to end the cold war. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Opps, for the very first time recieving a cute sms from you, he would be shocked and dumb? For dealing with stubborn men, you want to be just a little whining. Maybe first time you feel miserable, after some practices, you will master in it. LOL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> It's possible that both you and your husband have high self-esteem. What you think could be what he thinks right now. You're waiting him to come and shows you he needs you while he's waiting you to go to him and show him you still love him. The problem was after fighting, nobody wants to give in first; you somehow love each other dramatically even when having the cold war. It's just the "face" is the obstacle.
> Never mind being his little woman, right? He wants to be a man, allow him. When you need him, never mind make a little whining and noise. It won't make you less attractive but a bit innocent and cute. Really, he would fly back to you as he still loves you but he doesn't know how to pull down his face. Give it a try? Why you rather spend time guessing and suffering from all the loneliness silently? Simply sms him you're lonely and you need his company and see what happens? I'm very positive that he might act cool but his heart is hot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had done that all along and it did not help one single bit. Just chased him further away. Trying the alternate route now.


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Opps, for the very first time recieving a cute sms from you, he would be shocked and dumb? For dealing with stubborn men, you want to be just a little whining. Maybe first time you feel miserable, after some practices, you will master in it. LOL
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your input. I appreciate it. That route has already been done and it does not work when someone wants some space. It actually made things worse.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Oh really?! I thought you have been defensive when you sms him as you said, you wouldn't say you need him because that doesn't look attractive... Maybe I didn't understand your posts carefully. Sorry about that... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

MrsJT said:


> Update and I need your HELP!
> 
> Now my head is really messed up, sanity feels on the line and I really need some input, please. Anything you have to offer, please do.
> 
> ...


He did say he loved you and missed you. Maybe you didn't post the whole sms things. Never mind. He did wish to come close to you...but it seemed your resentments had made it more difficult for both. Just an observation. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsJT (Sep 26, 2010)

Hi. Just an update.

After being jerked around for 7 weeks by him, the mystery is over. 

This past week, he was still so-called confused and in contemplation on coming back...and then suspiciously became VERY fixated and obsessed on accusing me of having another man saying that I have been cheating on him during our separation for no good reason, just said he believes there is another man. My RED FLAGS went up. Way UP. It was obvious that he was turning around his own game and guilt on me. It was just so obvious, you couldn't help but to read through it.

So...I hired a Private Investigator.

So much for his being a homebody and his monogamy and honesty BS. Like that made ANY difference at all. He was just damn good at his game to fly so far under the radar. I am sickened beyond belief. I feel like such an idiot. I'm so humiliated. 

It's an ex-girlfriend of his.
It's IS another woman. 

It's been going on since the week of our wedding. Can you imagine...

I am completely twisted with anger and disgust. I'm in shock. I feel like nothing was real. The night before our wedding, we even sat and talked in depth to make sure getting married was what we both really wanted. I'm so confused why he even married me at all to just do this to me. What a horrible person...

After the PI gave me what I needed, I confronted her on the phone. At first, she was so very mean...just so hateful, calling me terrible names....then she seemed to gradually become receptive and soft to my raged pain. He told her so much BS, of course, as expected. At one point in the end of the 90 minute convo when my tears seemed to break her down and her pathetic conscious started to emerge, she asked, "What can I do to help this situation" I told her that she'd done enough already and it's God she must ask that of. Not me. Damage is done, they deserve each other. Told her to keep him, I don't want him. In the very end, I bowed out gracefully by apologizing for my reaction to the blow and that if I had done this to her...would she be equally as ripped up? She said "yes, I would be." I said, "Good bye. I'm done" ...and hung up.

I'm just beside myself.

I left him 3 voice mails expressing my disgust and disappointment in him...making him fully aware of all of the things that she told me that he'd said about me (some were so brutal and uncalled for).

The manipulative, lying, cheating, coward is avoiding me. As he SHOULD. For once he is doing something right. 

I've thought back very carefully with myself and with friends...no signs. None. Nothing. Not even one. He was just that good.

Still. I'm so humiliated and feel like a fool.

Divorce is my only option and will be filing soon. It's just so unfortunate that I will have to see that disgusting mans face in court.

Happiness will be my revenge.


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## vegan (Nov 4, 2010)

Wow, I'm sorry to hear how your story has ended. I google searched keywords to find your post again because I couldn't remember this site, and I wanted to see what happened.

From what you had previously posted, I didn't think he would have another woman. Everything seemed so confusing, but it makes sense now. He probably did start feeling guilty, or even the other woman convinced him to move out.

But all in all, its better you found out the way you did, even though it was hard, you had time to start mending before finding out that he was cheating, so you were already prepared for the divorce to process. It would have been even more difficult to find out that he was cheating on you because you would have been blind sided, this way you had time to prep for all possibilities.

I wish you good luck in life and love!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ain't love grand?

All of that bullsh!t because he couldn't get comfortable in his own skin, and decided it was your fault, so sought out someone to make him feel better. That's pathetic. I know this story.

He's right, you do deserve better than him.


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