# Backing down from being Alpha Female



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Hey ladies, and gents....Ive been going through a rough patch in my marriage and have had a lot of time to think.(since about may)
I've been retracing my steps since I was a teenager, to when we met, to our first few months of marriage, and I've come up with a lot of baggage I never thought I could. 

My husband is an amazing person. AMAZING! He put me on a pedestal when I least deserved it, he loved me unconditionally. I did not reciprocate this to him. We recently fell apart and fell HARD. And I realized a lot of the reason we were falling apart. 

1-I was raised by my dad, by a man, and was essentially raised to do and think like a man. A man can't teach a female how to be a woman as he has no idea himself...
2-I had no female role model. I am still very feminine, but physically, not so much emotionally.
3-Even after I left dad's house I never fully cleaved to my husband as I should have, and I was always trying to impress dad and respect his wishes when it came to money, home, marriage, etc. I maintained that emotional relationship with him well past the point of marriage and in turn it emasculated my husband very badly. I would consult dad and do it dad's way without even mentioning a word to DH.

Just the combination of those things has led me to think about how it has affected me as an adult and I'm realizing that these things may have been a major cause in my dominance and part of the reason our marriage has struggled. DH and I had even talked about getting my estrogen levels tested thinking there must be some explanation for the way I felt. I could have fits of rage and challenge him to the point of us having some serious fights...sometimes even challenging him physically.

So we fell hard and I told myself this back in June -- If I have to start over there are things I will do differently. If I am blessed enough to try to work things out with him then from that day forward I will put in 110% effort the change the ways about me that have caused contention. I do not want to lose my marriage.

I turned 29 in Feb, and since then, I have landed a decent career path, in a professional environment with very decent women. I started taking some crazy amazing vitamins that make me feel incredible(gluten issue), I lost a little weight(didnt have much to lose, but it's always a plus). I never truly felt feminine until the last 6 months, and then I started to change, and it felt really good. I started buying lacy underwear(never since we've been married) started getting my hair cut regularly, started wearing nice make up, started being more passive, started having better sex, wearing lingerie to bed, and sexy pjs around the house, started feeling so much more like I could actually be a wife and a mother, instead of a domineering tyrant. Maybe in some way, my husband "Manned Up", but I had never really had much respect for him or his decisions(some of which were poor) until recently, and now it's like I've been blind and just got to wear glasses for the first time. All the things I should have seen for him just being a good guy, I made such a big deal out of.

So now we're going through a little time apart. This is day 3, and it's killing me. We've talked and he's seen the change in me and is very complimentary of and on board for "my old self" that he fell in love with, but he is flooded with emotions. We were on the way to divorce a month ago, and even with some gallant efforts on both our parts, he's having his doubts and fears that things will go back to being the way they were, not so hot...he is a manly man that needs a soft and gentle wife. I failed him.

I feel 100% confident in where my heart is and what I want to be as a woman and as his wife. And I've told him this. When we were talking about him staying away for a week or two, he asked me what I would do if I were him. I said if you had any idea how confident I am in where I feel like I am in life, you would have no doubts, and we could conquer the world. 

I know nothing about hormones of how women's bodies change as they get older, or if this is even possible, but I just wanted to post and see if there's anyone else out there who has been through this, man or woman, and how it has helped or hurt, and if those past issues can even be forgiven or put in the past, locked up tight until the world ends?


----------



## Anonyma (Jul 27, 2011)

Hello Anonymiss. Your story sounds quite familiar. 

I grew up with both parents, yet was raised very gender neutral. Had and still have a strong bond with my dad, when I was a child we had a typical "father and son" bond only that i happened to be a daughter. 

Been through marriage, divorce and now live together with my partner whom I love and adore. Yet we sometimes have issues concernng me not being your typical female. And when I do happen to have a fit of femninity, concerning what kind, this can also irritate him. It is sometimes easy sometimes not. But talking to each other, trying to understand each other is important, as well as loyalty towards each other as a couple. I cannot stress the point of loyalty too much actually. 


I think the problem we both have is not only in ourselves but also in society. Now this is hard to change and can come only gradually. 

I am happy to be in a peer group that accepts beople being gender queer or in my case bi-gendered. (Actually every person is multi gendered yet is not as much aware or does not "feel it" it like some others do.) 

It is important that people realize that a mono-gender identity and being "emasculated" or "defemnized" by other people's actions is actually defined by society and our culture. It is up to us what builds us up or gets us down and has positive or negative impact on our identities as such. I mostly feel as a human being. Secondly as either man or woman depending on the situation. 

Physically I am very feminine and want to stay that way. I am past my 30th Birthday and still enjoy discovering female stuff that in former times did not reach me or interest me, suddenly popping up and looking and feeling just fine. You might know what I mean.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Im sorry, that just doesn't sound like what Im going through at all. Im looking at this from more of a Christian standpoint where a woman is supposed to be a woman and a man, a man.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think you're on the right path 

Take this time to work on you. 3 days isn't enough. It takes 30 days to create a habit....I am learning this as well 

Good luck.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I'm an old fashioned guy. My grandfather talked alot about what it meant to be a man. I agree that the things you did early in the marriage were hurtful to your husband, but it seems like it has really made you put too much pressure on yourself to be this fictional woman instead of just learning to be comfortable with who you are.

A man should never need his wife to be soft and adoring to feel like a man. Its a quality that he must find within himself. To think that he would actually go along with trying to get your estrogen levels checked just shows that he has his own identity problems. I am an alpha type. I want my wife to be stronger. In addition to the self confidence it gives her, its fun to me because we both enjoy it when I come on to her even stronger.

My wife once showed me something that many people miss when they talk about the ideal woman as exemplified in the Proverbs 31 woman. People tend to talk about her virtue, and honoring her husband. However, this woman was alpha all the way in the way she managed herself. She agressively ran a business to support her home, and had a reputation for being the kind of woman that people didn't mess with. The challenge is to help your husband get to the place where he doesn't feel intimidated by the strength in you.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Thanks That Girl. 
I read a lot of your posts, sounds all so familiar.
Only thing is we don't have kids, so there is nothing tying us together like that. Just a dog. 
I haven't figured it out in 3 days. We've been distant for about 2 months.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anonymiss... I agree with Halien, don't lose yourself.

There's already too few strong women out there in this world. It's a good thing for my wife as she knows this and hence has rather zero competition - she's always been the strongest; and hence a woman I can walk side by side with, instead of dragging along.

She bends knee to no one, not even me (to my intense frustration at times yet I LOVE her for it! I wouldn't have it any other way). I don't believe it has to do with being 'masculine', it's all to do with strength, and don't lose it.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

I dont want the strength if its going to cause hard feelings. I will keep all the good diligent hard working qualities, but when it comes to the guy stuff, I feel like i need to let him do it his way and not challenge him so much.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Instead of losing the strength, lose the bad qualities that you have instead which has nothing to do with strength or being 'masculine'. Let's go step by step.

Going to copy and paste what you wrote on the men's clubhouse...


> then there's demanding, pushy, disrespectful, emasculating, distant, depressed, NOT intimate...and probably more.


Demanding: My wife is very demanding, but most of the time, still reasonable and debatable (in everything but the sex - she wants it 21x a week, which I've been complaining about)
Pushy: Unless you're pushing him off a cliff, I won't say that this is actually a bad quality. The missus pushes me from time to time and I do the same for her, we're best friends as well as lovers, we do our best to motivate each other.
Disrespectful: Now this can be a bad quality, what you mean by disrespectful? Anyways the missus and I are disrespectful to each other from time to time, ties in with the pushy part. But we're cool with it, we say things to each other many other married folk would be going "OMG" at.

Emasculating: In what way? Whenever I get too proud or full of myself the missus *tries* to pop my bubble (with hilarious results), and I do the same for her.
Distant: Now this can be a bad one.
Depressed: Explain...
NOT Intimate: Guess this is the one thing that the missus is very different from you in, she's a tad OVERLY intimate however. Explain this please.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can be strong without being mean or degrading to other people.

I realized I have to watch my sarcasm. That has helped tremendously! My husband mentioned last night how he can see how nice and calm my vibe is.

I am still strong, I just don't always feel like I have to "win" or be the one making decisions. It's quite liberating to feel this way. I have faith in my husband, and told him so.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Instead of losing the strength, lose the bad qualities that you have instead which has nothing to do with strength or being 'masculine'. Let's go step by step.
> 
> Going to copy and paste what you wrote on the men's clubhouse...
> 
> ...


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You can be strong without being mean or degrading to other people.
> 
> I realized I have to watch my sarcasm. That has helped tremendously! My husband mentioned last night how he can see how nice and calm my vibe is.
> 
> I am still strong, I just don't always feel like I have to "win" or be the one making decisions. It's quite liberating to feel this way. I have faith in my husband, and told him so.


I think my smart mouth got the better of me about 56483 times too. And i get downright oppressive when this starts. Telling him he will never be parent material and all kinds of awful things. 

When we had our lunch date on Monday, I was nice and calm and sweet and later that night thanked him for the fun date and said it was nice for us to be so calm and sweet together. He said "ya, thats what this is all about".

I always wanted to WIN and make ALL the decisions as I felt he was incapable, and I truly WANT to give some responsibility to him because in my heart, I can't handle it all. Maybe a trust issue? or faith in him, like you said?

I just want to give in and be the calm, sweet, trusting, passionate person he fell in love with. MORE than ANYthing in the world. And I feel like Im at a place in life where I can finally let all the attitude go, and trust in him.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Interesting, you have similar qualities of the missus whenever she's in a bad mood -> which means it's fight time (I don't put up with it) which I unfortunately quite enjoy, as I poke her back until she explodes then we fight it out and make up (with some pleasing sex for once, not bloody routine) then wonder wtf just happened lol

But there were times when it got really bad, such as last year. The problem was - she was strong AGAINST me, instead of being strong FOR me. Channel your obvious ability to want to make it work. It doesn't mean you have to lose yourself in the process.

When my wife is side by side with me nothing the world threw at us could split us apart. But as soon as the world gave up... we started bickering, and it became a challenge, we had no one left to fight but each other lol

My wife is very stubborn, but still reasonable. At times her stubbornness however turned out good. For example, I've always tried to push her away to other men, but she said "F--k you a--hole, I'm not some ***** you pass around to your mates", earning my respect and trust and saving our marriage from the whims of my fetishes. When she starts to manipulate me as well such as last year using all our friends and her church against me (she's smart enough to be a politician methinks), I stood my ground and forced her to rethink her position otherwise I would have walked, making her realise how selfish and manipulative she was just to get what she wants. In the end, we keep each other from falling, we keep each other going the right path, reminding each other who we are and what we stand for.

As for trust, he has to earn it, but yes, you have to give him some opportunities to earn it rather then to judge him harshly not even giving him the chance. Test him, fitness test him if necessary (what the men talk about in men's clubhouse) but it's more of an opportunity that you are currently giving him from sounds of things. As for giving in, if you are uncomfortable with something, don't just give in just to make him happy. Be reasonable in your approach but don't just raise the white flag for the sake of it because that will build up your resentment of him over time.

Just a few questions out of curiouscity, what triggers you to become Darth Anonymiss?


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Just about anything. Me not getting my way. Him not paying enough attention to me, home, US, etc. I was an only child, daddy's girl. I ALWAYS got what I wanted when I wanted it. He was opposite and had to struggle to have anything. He wants to give me everything I want, I know this, but it's hard and then I just want more and more. Im an A-hole.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

You know I have a daughter, and the missus is always saying to me "you are SOOOO going to spoil her" and I'm like... "yeah sure, but I can be the fun and evil daddy and you can be the annoying and righteous mummy, it'll balance!" Heh, she was not amused. But the pattern is forming already...

Regardless I don't think there's really any solution if you choose to just submit. My wife tried it this year after our very painful crisis last year, but she grew resentment over time over not getting her way. It's an issue that has no compromise.

You have to learn how to be strong for him, instead of seeing you and him, see "us". Ironically for me and my wife, throughout the years when the world hates us we got so close because we were forced to stand together, and we both coped the same BS against us and we stood as a united front. However, meh... can't rely on external influences to keep two together forever.

That's all you have to learn, not losing your strength. Just channeling it the right way - for both of you.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

For a long long time I did see it as me and him separate and not as US. I want to be united with him, but it seems like we just butt heads over the dumbest things and end up resenting each other for it later down the road.


----------



## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

I think thatgirl is spot on. The negative traits you describe in yourself don't sound like a simple masculine/feminine divide. It sounds more like being a good spouse and partner vs. being a selfish partner and spouse.

I struggle with this. My mother ran the house and the lives of everyone in it and my father was content with and dependent upon this dynamic. When I started dating, I was a distant, emasculating (physically and emotionally) and disrespectful partner. All the while I was pretty proud of myself for dating "like a man."

Choosing to change started with falling desperately in love for the first time in my mid 20s, then getting my heart broken. Whatever my parents did or didn't do, I'm old enough to be aware of my own behavior. If I wanted to be in love again and have a partner meet me halfway, I had to work on my attitude. Being feminine didn't mean being helpless, clinging, emotionally manipulative, or a pushover. Being masculine didn't mean being distant, dangerous, dumb, or dishonest. 

But being in a harmonious, worthwhile relationship meant kind of cleaning out my emotional closet and tossing the stuff that didn't look good on me. And some just plain ugly. Which also means that it's an ongoing process. One day I'd like to have a tidy, organized emotional wardrobe full of tasteful, flattering qualities that I automatically reach for.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Halien said:


> My wife once showed me something that many people miss when they talk about the ideal woman as exemplified in the Proverbs 31 woman. People tend to talk about her virtue, and honoring her husband. However, this woman was alpha all the way in the way she managed herself. She agressively ran a business to support her home, and had a reputation for being the kind of woman that people didn't mess with. The challenge is to help your husband get to the place where he doesn't feel intimidated by the strength in you.


Amen. I have always looked at these scriptures in this way also, not all meek & submissive at all. Take a moment, click on this link & look at all the VERBS used to describe her character. 

Proverbs 31 Woman


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Thank you Amorous.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Where's the proverb where the prophet warns the woman not to tear down her own house?

Sounds like a common problem.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

This is exactly what I was getting at when I was saying I need to back down. 
I think I've driven through my own house with a bulldozer and Rebuilding it may be very hard.

Very well put, Conrad.

Edited to include:
All the more reason not only to adorn the outside—and please do that, we all appreciate it, but do more than that—more than putting on a pretty dress or wearing gold jewelry or doing your hair, adorn your heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God, and, I might say, every man’s dream. It doesn’t mean you have to kill your personality; it doesn’t mean you have to become a robot; it doesn’t mean you have to become boring; it doesn’t mean you never give your opinion, but there needs to be deep down in your heart, gentleness, [and] quietness. That hidden part is precious in the sight of God. God prefers a woman like that. - God's Pattern For a Wife by John MacArthur


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Conrad said:


> Where's the proverb where the prophet warns the woman not to tear down her own house?


 _Proverbs 14:1 _

Nice Commentary here :


> A wise woman builds. The fact that this woman is called "wise" indicates that she fears and reverences the Lord. She conscientiously builds her house, making her entire household thrive, because she has learned that wisdom brings the happiness and prosperity she desires for her family. The wise woman cares for her home, causing it to flourish and become a haven to those who live there. She builds her home by making wise choices in her relationships with her husband and children. She works on her marriage, knowing that intimacy does not happen naturally but must be developed. All building takes time, picturing brick set on brick until a sturdy safe home is constructed.
> 
> In contrast, the foolish woman does not build. She tears down both her possessions and her relationships. She destroys by her own efforts-with her hands, her tongue, her idleness, and her lack of interest.




The Daily Bible Verse: Proverbs 14:1 - The wise woman builds her house


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Yeah, in contrast would be me, so now what do I do? After 7 years its going to be hard to say "hey baby, I've changed" for him to have faith in me, and for me to make it truly happen. 
I feel like Im at a point in my life where I truly can make it happen. LIke I've said before, I dont know if it's hormones, age, etc. but I feel like Im ready to take accountability and be the responsible adult I should have been being all along. I love him that much. And God knows he hasn't been perfect either, so Im not saying im the only one who needs to improve, but we tend to follow each others' leads on positive things, so maybe if I start, he'll get on board too?


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

this is me all the way...

my husband had to learn how to handle me..esp when i want to rebel..he really had to figure out my body language, pick up cues...

i in turn had to learn to reel it in, and take him to conserdation. we both are in charge, just at different times.

we both have learned to love the other person for who they are, and not expect them to change the person they are...

that said, i have toned it down some...a little..maybe...


i just have this need to run around and control things, and husband made it clear, he is not one of those things, he just lets me run around like a crazy person until i drop, and give in to him.

he said i will not learn any other way, i have to do things for my self first, then ask for help. so i have to find the balance to be zany in control me...and husband to be the man...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anonymiss said:


> I dont know if it's hormones, age, etc. but I feel like Im ready to take accountability and be the responsible adult I should have been being all along. I love him that much. And God knows he hasn't been perfect either, so Im not saying im the only one who needs to improve, but we tend to follow each others' leads on positive things, so maybe if I start, he'll get on board too?


Have you ever considered your *Temperments* ??

I have ALWAYS been more ALPHA in our relationship, from early on- after I got over my initial shyness. It is my temperment. I always had a thing for the nice quiet shy guys too, probably cause I wanted to control them (I am just kidding ha ha)!

But really, all of my weakness's & strengths were so clearly outlined in these things-once I started reading books about them. Helped me better understand my husband too, very eye opening.

We are simply BORN with our temperments. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Amorous, this is what Im finally seeing, is what I need to look at within myself. Where did I go wrong, what caused us to split like this. Im self reflecting...it hurts a lot, and I cry a lot realizing that there is a lot of crap that I have within me that has caused us great hardships and emotional turmoil. 
I dont know what to do to fix me, but I truly want to. I want to be a good woman, and a good wife, and a good human. And he and I have talked about me and some of the things that are not so great and I just overlooked it as though he was trying to blame me when in fact he was just trying to make me look in the mirror and see me for the ugly person I have been on the inside. He is a really really good man, and he has his faults, but as a person/husband he is fantastic. *scared*


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anonymiss said:


> For a long long time I did see it as me and him separate and not as US. I want to be united with him, but it seems like we just butt heads over the dumbest things and end up resenting each other for it later down the road.


Good that you recognize this *now*, a step in the right direction. I think , being married, we should always *feel *the "US", see ourselves as a "team", him as your helpmate in all things, you as his helpmate in all things. 

Me & my more laid back husband always felt this way about each other, I never looked at us as "separate" in anything really, our whole marriage. I guess it is one thing I LOVED about being married ... I had this "other half", I used to carry those key rings with the heart split in 2 & all that stuff. I can be very independent if I had to be, but I relish in having someone to _share_ it all with. 

We would discuss anything we wanted to buy, build, where to live, where to vacation, our schedules, who / what /when / where & why , how to save our $$, He is into coin collecting, he won't even buy a coin without asking me what I think, I go to the shows with him (not that this is even necessary at all but he just DOES that -when it is costly anyway, I usually just tell him "you know more than me, your're the expert - buy it").

And I am the same, no surprises of any sort, we just talk about it all, down to where we want to go to eat, when we want to go upstairs, even what to watch on Tv. It helps that he likes chick flicks and I like crazy Men shows like "1,000 ways to die"

Sometimes we have different ideas but we compromise . He didnt like the style of carpet I wanted, so we agreed- for the downstairs we'll get what I want, and for the upstairs, we'll get what he wants. Nice to have a variety anyway. 

*For instance, what are you butting heads about ?*


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

anonymiss said:


> Yeah, in contrast would be me, so now what do I do? After 7 years its going to be hard to say "hey baby, I've changed" for him to have faith in me, and for me to make it truly happen.
> I feel like Im at a point in my life where I truly can make it happen. LIke I've said before, I dont know if it's hormones, age, etc. but I feel like Im ready to take accountability and be the responsible adult I should have been being all along. I love him that much. And God knows he hasn't been perfect either, so Im not saying im the only one who needs to improve, but we tend to follow each others' leads on positive things, so maybe if I start, he'll get on board too?


This is an area where women sometimes forget the logical simplicity in many men. The change will not be easy, and it will take time for him to see, but for a man, there is often incredible value in just admitting the hurt of your actions, and your need for his support as you work on it. Over time, this will help him to look harder within himself for his own contributions to the breakdown.

Its taken my wife over 20 years to realize that I don't need her to gain victory over all of the problems that come with her bipolar depression and the resentment that comes with it. I just need her to validate that she is aware of how it impacts me, and that she is working through her therapy.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Halien said:


> This is an area where women sometimes forget the logical simplicity in many men. The change will not be easy, and it will take time for him to see, but for a man, there is often incredible value in just admitting the hurt of your actions, and your need for his support as you work on it. Over time, this will help him to look harder within himself for his own contributions to the breakdown.
> 
> Its taken my wife over 20 years to realize that I don't need her to gain victory over all of the problems that come with her bipolar depression and the resentment that comes with it. I just need her to validate that she is aware of how it impacts me, and that she is working through her therapy.


*Humility* is the 1st step to wholeness, or let's say "reaching" for wholeness , with our partners more willing to "forgive" and *believe* we really want to make that change & make is lasting- for their benefit as well as our own. :iagree:


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

A while back I wrote him a long letter about humility and the fact that I was really retracing my steps and trying to be accountable for some of the turmoil that we've been through. He's a very easy person to get along with but there are some things that he does that I just don't want to support. Those kind of things that don't directly affect me, I feel like I should just let go, and let him do his thing, it's not hurting us or him. But the things we can fuss over - all the bills and everything is in my name. I want him to take some responsibility and be more involved. He makes good money and always provides for us. He had to file bankruptcy last year, and since then we've done nothing to improve his credit. I used to be very opposed to my credit and his credit mixing because he doesn't make good financial decisions when it comes to anything other than cash. Bills get paid, but anything on credit he doesn't pay off like he should. He is pretty messy, and I feel like he takes my cleanliness for granted because I will always pick up after him. I don't fuss much about this, but I say things like "baby, you can be so messy" while Im picking up, or cleaning something. He has a gazillion friends, and is always more likely to help them do something while our home and property gets neglected, another area I have to pick up the slack, and I can't fix and do everything around the house that he can. Also, those friends keep him from home a lot, and he's constantly texting or on the phone dealing with other peoples drama. We got into a huge argument about having a baby and the fact that we don't have insurance and I didn't want to be on MedicAid and have minimal services verses private insurance and maybe getting better care(I dont even know anything about the differences between the two, but I argued like I did and then he did some research and told me how wrong I was). All the young couples in his family are pregnant or have young babies, and I cried and said how bad I wanted a baby but I wanted so bad to be able to be a SAHM and I didn't want to be the mom that worked and forked over half her paycheck to a babysitter and I wanted to feed my child well and teach them well. So that got blown out of proportion too. Because I argue points I don't even know anything about... I've been crappy over the music he listens to (Eminem or nasty rap that refers to woman as B*&ches and such)
Sometimes I need to just keep my mouth shut. Most of the time I feel so bad I come back an hour later and apologize for being such a butt. 
Im a busy body. I never sit still and I guess Im not very calm, and there's always more to do. But when it comes to our social life, he is an extrovert and very social, never turning down a good time with friends. 
Of course we go through phases where we'll be getting along great and he's helping me and Im helping him and we're a team, and he explains to me that when we're doing good like that he is a lot more willing and ready to be there for me, but the turmoil can just put so much distance between us that he just wants to be away from home/me. I understand this concept, but I never learn from it and make it last. 
He had me talk to him while he was taking a shower before he left last saturday, and I said I don't know why I've been so aggressive. He says, now that's a good start... :*( I just need to crawl into a hole.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I think you are confused. You don't need to be a passive woman in a relationship in order to make your man happy. You have to be an equal partner. Your original post said you went to your dad instead of your husband. That doesn't have anything to do with gender or femininity. That has to do with knowing what marriage is - a partnership where you care about your spouses thoughts, ideas, needs. Its being considerate. 

You are wise to put your dad in his place. You can love him but you don't need to live your life for him. That's not healthy. You need your OWN identity. I'm not sure if you've found it yet because you seem to think being passive and wearing lingerie is the answer, but it's not.

I would see a psychologist who can help you figure out what your issues are and can help you work on them. You mention dismissing your husband's thoughts and feelings. You mention having intense fights. These are caused by baggage you BOTH have. Figure out what your "stuff" is (probably from childhood) and work on it. That will ensure that you can make lasting changes.

Most of all, learning how to be self-compassionate and less judgemental with yourself is the single-most important thing you can do to improve your marriage. When you are accepting of yourself you are able to be more loving, trusting, and giving to your spouse....even if you aren't a girly-girl.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Most of all, learning how to be self-compassionate and less judgemental with yourself is the single-most important thing you can do to improve your marriage. When you are accepting of yourself you are able to be more loving, trusting, and giving to your spouse....even if you aren't a girly-girl.


I think cutting ties with Dad is allowing me to be me, and not living up to someone else's standards. That's the whole discovering I can be a girly girl thing. I have figured a lot out about me, and have been able to be more self accepting and not so judgmental of myself and therefore of him as well. Figure out about me = wanting to back down a bit...


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This thread has given me some heads up in how to raise my daughter. To be honest, it's already headed in your direction in how I wanted her raised lol


----------

