# Feeling very lost and very alone...



## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

You may have heard my story before - but if not - here it is in a nutshell: been married for nearly 9 years. I'm 38, she's 34. Two kids: 5-year-old boy and 3-year-old girl. Lost our first child at birth in Fall 2008 - and things were never really the same after that. Looking back - I now realize I put up emotional barriers to protect myself from ever experiencing that pain again - collateral damage was that I shut her out - at least enough that to her it felt like I had become emotionally detached. She has made it clear that she just knew I had to have an attachment - even if it was just emotional - with someone else - but that was never the case. To her credit - she tried to pull me back towards her - and I didn't follow through. I would think of all of the things I could do for her - to let her know how special she was and to make her feel appreciated - and I wouldn't follow through. There was always something - I was too tired or too busy - I guess I just took time and opportunity for granted. This is not to say I ever neglected her or the kids - I thought I was doing the best that I could. I thought I was giving them all I could give. Anyway, she tried pulling me back - I apparently didn't do enough - and now she has put up emotional barriers of her own.

On March 1st she told me she was done. I convinced her to get counseling with me - we went twice - but she was never really in it as her mind was made up. We talked briefly about separating to see what distance would mean - but she thought that would be just dragging out the inevitable and she was anxious to get a new start. She said she was finally feeling good again (which is something I would contest based upon her ups and downs). She contacted a lawyer - and we agreed on an amicable, mediated divorce for the kids. I was served with my papers on March 24th.

We have continued to live together. We shared a bed for a long time - then I spent about three weeks on the couch (which I volunteered to do to let her have the bed) and now for the last several weeks I've been back in the bed (though with a body pillow dividing the bed in half). She actually invited me back into the bed. We've continued to live pretty much as before - sharing everything around the house: bills, housekeeping, cooking, and taking care of the kids - just without the normal "love" that a husband and wife should have for one another.

We did briefly discuss "nesting" which would have meant the kids staying in the house while we took turns staying elsewhere - but we never went through with it.

It's been a long cycle of her pushing forward and then slowing down and me taking that slowing down - and really any sign in general - as something to build hope upon. I have built hope out of "signs" way too many times - only to have it brought crashing back down to Earth. I guess it's always just felt like we were so close - we were so good before we weren't - and it still felt like we were so close that what we had was fixable. I know she's gotten a lot of flack from her friends and family who all seem to not be able to understand why she isn't fighting more to save this and her response is that they simply don't understand how hard she fought before she made her decision. On my side - I have everyone asking me why I'm still devoted to her - a lost cause who is only there for me when she needs support.

The past several weeks have been especially good. It felt like we were getting to know one another again and learning to enjoy one another's company again. The elephant was always in the room - but neither one of us mentioned it. She did pull me aside last Tuesday - acknowledging that while we had been getting along really well we needed to discuss the progression of things moving forward. That conversation ended in us laughing and joking together on the couch and then in the bed - goofing around (innocently) like a couple of kids. I built a lot of hope into that - because while nothing was "said" it felt like something profound had passed between us. The following night I actually slept snuggled against her in bed.

We both went our separate ways this past weekend - she went up north with the kids and I went to the Indy 500 with my dad - which is our normal Memorial Day weekend routine. I was still coasting on hope when she hit me with this statement last night in bed: "We need to tell the kids, soon."

It was like all of the recent hope had crashed back down and this fall was nearly as bad as the original. 

I have not spent the last 2.5 months simply feeling bad for myself. I have set about finding the "old" me - the person I was before I lost myself behind a barrier of guarded emotions and I feel like I've found that person. I feel like I'm closer to the man she married emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically than I've been in a long time. I've done a lot of introspection - looking at my role in what went wrong. I realized I had to take care of myself if I wanted any hope of taking care of us.

Anyway, we talked about it a lot last night and then again this morning. She is very conflicted. She still claims this is what she wants. She says she feels guilty because she knows the pain this is causing everyone. She says she feels "weird" about me - and when I pressed her on that she couldn't describe it - just that she felt like we didn't belong together anymore. She said she thought our recent improved relations were about us reconnecting as friends for the kids. It definitely felt like more than that. She admitted that she sometimes worries she didn't do enough. Essentially, she's as scared and conflicted and lost as I am.

I'm scared of so much right now. I'm scared of the practical stuff like where am I going to live? She doesn't want the house - I do - which isn't a point of contention - but I still have to make it work financially for me and it will take some effort. I worry about paying the bills. I worry about the lonely nights without her and the time when I don't have the kids (we are splitting them 50/50). I worry about missing her and about getting over her. 

My life feels like it's slowly being torn apart and I hate it so much. I'm tired - deeply tired. I just can't shake the feeling that we're still so close - yet miles apart - but it's this sense of closeness that keeps my going. I wish it were easy to walk away - but it's not.


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

I know many guys who went through what you are going through. They felt that their lives were over. Guess what? Their new lives are much better than their previous life. One went from a clerical worker to a high level political job. Another started his own business and is very successful at it. My ex brother-in-law, whom we all loved, was despondent and had to be treated for severe depression. He ended up meeting a woman who owned her own home who fell in love with him. They are now happily married and he no longer has to work 3 jobs to support my sister who refused to work a day in her life. My mistake, she worked one whole day and then quit. 

It sounds like your wife has made up her mind and likes you but is not in love with you. She seems to be delaying the inevitable due to the pain it will cause all. She is concerned about you and that is better than what most divorced men had. The only thing I would caution you about is that you do not let the divorce make you enemies. I knew a divorce attorney and from what he told me, I would arbitrate rather than divorce. Divorce attorneys make more money when there are more issues to resolve and the parties are fighting over stupid little things like who gets the TV.

I really hope that you know that what you feel now will pass and you have a whole new life ahead of you. From what I can see, the second marriage seems to always be much better. We learn from our mistakes and are more mature the second time around. Good luck to you.


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Thanks for the positive thoughts!

It's hard to even think about the possibility of another marriage again at this point - even another relationship. I know it's what I eventually want - and I know I can find someone again - it's just right now I'm so close to the present situation that it actually causes me physical pain to even contemplate.

We were so good for so long. We honestly connected. We made one another laugh and we loved going off and getting lost in silly adventures and we were there for one another. 

The blow of losing our daughter was so crippling. I went from being a very emotionally open person to shutting that part of me down. I thought we made it through in one piece - we had two more children - life seemed good. I thought I was doing everything I could do.

She apparently just feels it wasn't enough and that I am who I am - even though last week she acknowledged that I'd done a lot to "find" the person I used to be - but then last night it again was this is who you are and I don't believe you can change.

She honestly still feels that I was cheating - even if it was just emotionally cheating - because if I was withholding it from her I must have been giving elsewhere. She talked about her "intuition" last night and about she just knew it was true and no matter how much I told her it wasn't she didn't believe me. To her credit - she did say this morning via text that she believes me, now - but that she just "can't shake the feeling."

This is what it feels like: we both got lost in the fog after we lost our daughter - and we clung closely together at first so we didn't get lost - but as life became "normal" again we started moving further apart - we could still see one another - we just weren't side- by-side - but then it got to the point where we could no longer see one another - just hear each other's voice - and then it went further to where we were both lost in the fog. I'm looking for her - and sometimes I can feel her presence - like when someone is right behind you and you can feel their eyes and you turn around and their gone - or maybe just her breath as she slips by - but she doesn't really want to be found - she's excited about the mystery around the next corner.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Communication breakdown is one of the most pivotal factors in destroying a M. Once you start rug sweeping, it is hard to curb.

A common end result of poor communication is..... infidelity. When someone's emotional needs aren't being met, one tends to seek 

the needs elsewhere. Below is a link you may wish to read....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Communication breakdown is one of the most pivotal factors in destroying a M. Once you start rug sweeping, it is hard to curb.
> 
> A common end result of poor communication is..... infidelity. When someone's emotional needs aren't being met, one tends to seek
> 
> ...


I agree on the communication part - it became one of our biggest sources of disconnect.

The thing is - neither one of us has been unfaithful. She may have feared that I had become connected to someone else - but I never was on any level - nor has she been. We remained devoted to one another until the moment she decided to call it quits - and even now - over the past 2.5 months - there has been nobody else on either side.

That is the maddening quality about this. I truly believe we let very fixable problems get to the point where she no longer saw them as fixable. I will forever see them as fixable. We can agree that there was a disconnect - but we will never agree on what that meant.

I did not take the "typical" route and maybe I am stereotyping - but I was not the man who refused to look at himself in the mirror. Yeah, at first I was - I was mad! I blamed her for giving up - but I quickly realized that was a cop out on my part and I looked inward. I asked myself the hard questions. I actively worked to pull out the parts that had become broken so that I could build myself back up again. I realized I had not chance to save what I had unless I could save myself - and I believe I have saved myself.

I am emotionally stronger. I have dropped the barriers I put up after our daughter died. I can feel again - and yes - this means the pain of losing my wife and best friend is that much more painful but it also means I am present.

I am mentally stronger. I feel like I'm no longer paralyzed by my own fear and anxiety. I feel like I can take control of my life and that I will be okay no matter the outcome.

I am physically stronger. While I was never out of shape - I carried a few extra pounds. I've started eating healthier and getting more exercise and I'm healthier than I've been in years. Heck, I'm nearly down to my high school weight!

As I said in my original post - I truly feel like I'm closer to the man she met, fell in love with and married than I've been in years. I feel good about it - but I feel somewhat empty because it doesn't mean as much if I cannot share it with her.

I didn't work to become the man I thought she wanted - I worked at becoming the man I needed to be in the hope that she would see the change and remember who I was - remember who she feel in love with.

I guess it's just not enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it's very possible all your work may not be enough. Women tend to try and try and try to make things work but usually when we give up we don't second guess ourselves. We're done. Maybe that won't be the case for you but you really do need to stop reading hope into everything she does and instead take a "wait and see" attitude. In the meantime, focus on you and have a plan for your life after her just in case you end up needing it. Better to be prepared for anything (less stress that way).


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

And just by chance if she moves out, you incorporate the 180 and NC minus the kids affairs...

she just might start missing you. Avoid the limbo state.... it is he!!


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## milltown01 (Mar 2, 2015)

Yeah, once we actually start nesting I will try the 180 and NC. Can't hurt, I guess.


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