# Summer visitation for the first time. Finding it harder to let go now.



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Back during the mediation in April, I allowed the kids (G11 & B6) to go longer than the typical 6 week visit to see their mom (based on her request). It'll be 8 weeks instead because their mother wanted them as much as possible. I know the kids miss their mom dearly, and I don't expect her to be coming back to our area anytime soon. So I made the decision for my kids and to allow them to spend as much time as they can with her before coming back in August. I know some will call this foolish, but I feel it was completely a selfless decision. I did not do it for my STBXW. I did it for my kids. Her leaving has been very hard on them.
However, now as they are about to go, I am going to really, really miss them too. And then it hit me, that they will begin to miss me too. It's thinking about this that I get angry. Angry at my EX for moving so far away which has broken the family. 
I will be able to spend a week with them in the middle of the visitation time which will help, but I feel I made a mistake that is too late to fix, even though I m happy with just about everything else in the decree. I can't go back and change what we agreed in mediation. The divorce decree is about to be signed by the two of us in a matter of a day or two. I can't back out now.  Maybe re-address this with the courts in 3 years I guess?
I guess why I am addressing this here, is how do you cope with this since it'll be the first time my kids are away from me for an extended period of time? Keep myself busy? I'm working on that since I have the summers off, this will be a challenge. I know I will Skype with them 3 times a week like my STBXW does, but it still sucks not having them around.
Most importantly,due to my emotions how do I address this? Is there anything you have done that you have found to be helpful?


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## heartbrok3n (Jun 5, 2012)

Keep yourself distracted - chill out with your friends, take up new hobbies, read, just do whatever to stop yourself thinking about your kids.

8 weeks is not all that bad, plus you get a week in the middle of the visitation.

I am still legally married to a woman who decided to take my kids back to her country a few years back. I have been travelling to her country 2 or 3 times a year to convince her to come back here with our kids but to no avail. So if I am lucky, I only get to spend between 8 and 10 weeks with my kids a year.

It's only 8 weeks, it will pass by before you even know it. Be strong


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks brother. I'm trying to be strong and I know the 8 weeks is a drop in the bucket compared to how long I have them during the year. Many probably wouldn't be a sympathetic with me since I'm a father with primary custody. But thanks for putting this in perspective. I needed that.


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## heartbrok3n (Jun 5, 2012)

Don't mention it.

Maybe you could enlighten me and tell me how you won custody of your children, as I find myself to be thinking more and more frequently about getting a divorce. The court in her country favors women, and she does not have any destructive addictions, nor does she abuse our kids. The odds of winning custody of my kids are against me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Back during the mediation in April, I allowed the kids (G11 & B6) to go longer than the typical 6 week visit to see their mom (based on her request). It'll be 8 weeks instead because their mother wanted them as much as possible. I know the kids miss their mom dearly, and I don't expect her to be coming back to our area anytime soon. So I made the decision for my kids and to allow them to spend as much time as they can with her before coming back in August. I know some will call this foolish, but I feel it was completely a selfless decision. I did not do it for my STBXW. I did it for my kids. Her leaving has been very hard on them.
> However, now as they are about to go, I am going to really, really miss them too. And then it hit me, that they will begin to miss me too. It's thinking about this that I get angry. Angry at my EX for moving so far away which has broken the family.
> I will be able to spend a week with them in the middle of the visitation time which will help, but I feel I made a mistake that is too late to fix, even though I m happy with just about everything else in the decree. I can't go back and change what we agreed in mediation. The divorce decree is about to be signed by the two of us in a matter of a day or two. I can't back out now.  Maybe re-address this with the courts in 3 years I guess?
> I guess why I am addressing this here, is how do you cope with this since it'll be the first time my kids are away from me for an extended period of time? Keep myself busy? I'm working on that since I have the summers off, this will be a challenge. I know I will Skype with them 3 times a week like my STBXW does, but it still sucks not having them around.
> Most importantly,due to my emotions how do I address this? Is there anything you have done that you have found to be helpful?


As far as the decree, is your x bent on following it to the letter? In my state, we don't have to if we both agree, I'm not sure how it works everywhere. We didn't have anything special in ours as far as visitation, just the basic stuff, and we follow it to a point just for a guideline, but not to the letter. All the stuff about having them back by a certain hour and such we don't pay attention to, we do what works for all involved. 

Our lawyer said the decree was just the minimum, but we could do what we wanted as long as both agreed.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> Back during the mediation in April, I allowed the kids (G11 & B6) to go longer than the typical 6 week visit to see their mom (based on her request). It'll be 8 weeks instead because their mother wanted them as much as possible. I know the kids miss their mom dearly, and I don't expect her to be coming back to our area anytime soon. So I made the decision for my kids and to allow them to spend as much time as they can with her before coming back in August. I know some will call this foolish, but I feel it was completely a selfless decision. I did not do it for my STBXW. I did it for my kids. Her leaving has been very hard on them.
> However, now as they are about to go, I am going to really, really miss them too. And then it hit me, that they will begin to miss me too. It's thinking about this that I get angry. Angry at my EX for moving so far away which has broken the family.
> I will be able to spend a week with them in the middle of the visitation time which will help, but I feel I made a mistake that is too late to fix, even though I m happy with just about everything else in the decree. I can't go back and change what we agreed in mediation. The divorce decree is about to be signed by the two of us in a matter of a day or two. I can't back out now.  Maybe re-address this with the courts in 3 years I guess?
> I guess why I am addressing this here, is how do you cope with this since it'll be the first time my kids are away from me for an extended period of time? Keep myself busy? I'm working on that since I have the summers off, this will be a challenge. I know I will Skype with them 3 times a week like my STBXW does, but it still sucks not having them around.
> Most importantly,due to my emotions how do I address this? Is there anything you have done that you have found to be helpful?


I've been you. Wishing you a quick summer!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It doesn't matter if you are the dad or the mom. If you love your kids and are the primary care taker you are going to miss them. My first suggestion is to watch episodes of the show Louie if you can. Great real take on divorce and visitation. It's hilarious, sad, dark, enlightening, all the things normal life is. 
Second keep in mind that if your kids miss you bad enough they are going to be such pains in the ass she's going to want to bring them back. I have a bad relationship with my ex and he still will let her come home early if she is sick or she really misses me. No one wants to be around a depressed anxious child, much less two. I would suggest volunteering, maybe working part time, going to the pool, taking a class, getting a new hobby, joining a group, going to church...
It sucks that we have to prepare for the empty syndrome while our kids are still so young. 
It does get better with time. I used to feel sick the first timeshare daughter was with her dad for a week. I'd cry usually the last half of the week every day. 
Now I try to take advantage of the time but I still miss her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

heartbrok3n said:


> Don't mention it.
> 
> Maybe you could enlighten me and tell me how you won custody of your children, as I find myself to be thinking more and more frequently about getting a divorce. The court in her country favors women, and she does not have any destructive addictions, nor does she abuse our kids. The odds of winning custody of my kids are against me.


I won custody because my WW bailed on being a wife and mother. Initially, she had me out of the house for a month before I came to my senses (she requested space to help our marriage but then told me 3 weeks later she was seeing the OM again). I said I'm coming back home. 2 weeks later after getting kicked to the curb by the OM and being demoted at work (and ultimately quitting) she left because she couldn't handle being around me.
So she left to find happiness in another state with other people. She was mentally depressed (and still is) and thought this was the answer to all her problems. It wasn't until 6 months later that I pulled the trigger for D while she was still away. Turns out that judges here in Texas aren't too sympathetic to a spouse who leaves the kids for 6 moths or more. It wasn't until she was served that reality struck her and she started to fight me for the kids but it was too late. The damage was done.
I'm not sure your situation, but I wish you the best. If you ever need an ear, I'm your guy.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> It doesn't matter if you are the dad or the mom. If you love your kids and are the primary care taker you are going to miss them. My first suggestion is to watch episodes of the show Louie if you can. Great real take on divorce and visitation. It's hilarious, sad, dark, enlightening, all the things normal life is.
> Second keep in mind that if your kids miss you bad enough they are going to be such pains in the ass she's going to want to bring them back. I have a bad relationship with my ex and he still will let her come home early if she is sick or she really misses me. No one wants to be around a depressed anxious child, much less two. I would suggest volunteering, maybe working part time, going to the pool, taking a class, getting a new hobby, joining a group, going to church...
> It sucks that we have to prepare for the empty syndrome while our kids are still so young.
> It does get better with time. I used to feel sick the first timeshare daughter was with her dad for a week. I'd cry usually the last half of the week every day.
> ...


LOL. I'm two steps ahead of you on Louie. Awesome comic. I'm also in the middle of writing a list of goals. A bucket list of sorts too. Many of your suggestions are on my list too. 
My EX can be very stubborn when it comes to pride, etc. It will be interesting to see how she can handle not only her 2 kids, but the BF's 2 kids as well. And timeshare daughter? Well said my friend. That's exactly how I feel they're being treated and it's such a bunch of Bolshevik!


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