# Made every mistake and need advice



## dancininthestorm (Sep 30, 2009)

My wife and I have been together for 8yrs, but married only 1 1/2. We have a 4yr boy that lives w/ me and 3 yr girl living w/ her at her parents. We've been separated for 3 months and she filed for divorce back in Jul. Background: We have been fighting almost since we've been married. Eventually it led to her having an EA over the internet w/ a past friend and she moved out for a few weeks claiming she wanted a divorce. We were attending counseling, but when I found out about the EA, I said I would file. She begged me to forgive her and to work on our marriage. She left and had an EA because I have always been controlling, emotionally abusive, and self-centered, but she said she wanted me to change. I was hurt by the EA and did not hold up my end and continued my normal actions. She tried hard to work at it, but I checked out. She wanted forgiveness, but I wouldn't let it go. Finally, after all my abusiveness, unforgiveness, and distance, she asked for divorce and did not follow me to me new home (military). She is only 5 hours away so we still are able to see the kids, but it is still difficult. 

Here is where I need help...Initially we argued over the kids, but my son needed to start school and he and I are really close, so she said he should be with me. It kills me splitting him, but she treats it like its temporary. I have been texting her like crazy and trying to communicate my feelings. We've fought through this whole situation. I've been going to counseling alone because I know she is right about most things. She constantly tells me there is no one else and she just wanted me to change, but I couldn't. When I say let's work, she just says she wants a divorce and is tired of trying. She hasn't signed anything, and when the time came to do so, she switched it and now I wait again to be served. I really do not feel she wants a divorce because some of the things she says, but don't know how to react. Just this weekend when we were arguing, she later texted me saying "I say I love her and care, but I'm doing a bad job of showing it. And showing I will change". I am on an emotional roller coaster because I just want her back and sometimes the only emotion that shows me she still isn't gone is when we fight. And I don't want my kids to go through this anymore. I don't know why on one hand she says she wants a divorce, but keeps telling me that I don't change and other things that would keep me hanging on. Any advice please. The last time we went through this, she swore she wanted a divorce, but this time she actually file. I cannot read her mind. I know I need to make changes, but how do you do it in this situation? Please advise...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

I'm no expert Dancin. I've made a lot of mistakes with my wife through our situation. I can only say that if you love her, you have to try your hardest. Forget your pride. Just do. Get to your core issues about why you do things. Dig deep. It hurts and isn't fun, but you need to do it.

Also, you can't be clingy or needy. Asking constantly about whether she loves you or not can backfire and push her further away. She is looking for actions and not words at this point.

She isn't delaying intentionally. I think she is confused about her feelings. She probably is swinging from I can't go through this again and but I love him. Throw logic out the window. It does more harm than good right now. Emotions overide logic during these times. That has hurt me in my process for I do things logically and have a hard time understanding others actions when based on emotion.

That's all I got for now.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree 100% with FA comments. He is right on!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just keep working on yourself and let her know you love her. She wants to come back. But you're going to have to show her that your changes are permanent and can be counted on. And that may take a lot of time. Be patient. Do not backslide!! You'll pull this out.


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## dancininthestorm (Sep 30, 2009)

Thanks all. As I read many of the other posts, I get really discouraged hearing the stories of others. I sometimes feel I am only hearing and believing what I want to from my wife. It makes my mind wander further because I feel so out of control in my situation. I get impatient because I feel I do have a new perspective on our relationship, but from what she's told me, she wants to see the changes instead of hearing about them. Deep down I know I've done her wrong and have been blind for so long that I'm afraid I will lose her. My impatience has causes me to backslide and have created a worse situation for me. Up until this point, I've basically reinforced her opinion that I will not change. This past weekend we talked and she told me she is still hurt by my words and actions and she couldn't come back blindly believing in me. She stated she doesn't have faith in me right now. I guess I am answering my own questions...I do have some control over the situation, if I can learn to control my emotions and patiently work on permanently changing the behaviors which have harmed our relationship. I'm glad I stumbled on this site because when getting advice from friends and family, I tend to only agree w/ ideas that fall within my own paradigm of thinking. Sounds like another necessary change....Thanks again.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Yes exactly, actions speak louder than words. Have you told her that you know you have made mistakes and that you are aware you need to make changes and that you are going to try your best. Remember you are a work in progress so it takes time. Trust me I have been biting my tongue for months now. Its not easy by any means. Try not to argue about anything. Keep your voice calm and just listen to her. Let her get everything out before you respond. Then either say I can't talk about this right now I need a little time (if your response is not going to be constructive) or tell her you see where is coming from and ask her to hear you out. Keep us posted. Best of luck to you.


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## dancininthestorm (Sep 30, 2009)

I'm at an impasse. 2 weeks ago I signed our divorce papers. We agreed on everything. I keep most of the belongings and my son, and she takes my daughter. I felt obligated to sign because I couldn't argue with the fairness. Through these past 5 months we've fought tirelessly. Most of the time it was instigated by me, but I was dealing with emotions and pride. Meanwhile, she kept telling me I only prove that I won't change and she thought about coming home, but I would have one of my "episodes". Several times, I could've just let her have her space and things probably would've gradually come together. A month ago she tells me she doesn't trust I'll change and cannot jump back into the relationship. Two weeks ago, she tells me I've done too much damage and she can never feel the same about me. She seemed sincere that she wanted a divorce. She knows the primary thing that would cause me to pick up and move on is if she were seeing someone. She consistently says she isn't, but she is meeting new friends. It drives me crazy. My wife is a very beautiful woman and could have just about any man she would like. She isn't a promiscuous woman at all, but if she is looking at divorce, who's to say? We are four hours apart and I only feel us growing further apart, and thus making her leaving easier.

My dilema, I'm usually a very confident and proud man, but this is driving me crazy. I want to give her space, but my mind goes crazy because I'm not certain what will happen. She won't sign the papers and makes excuses as to why, but insists she wants a divorce. Although there are many mixed signals. I've been pushing through fine, however, I am afraid to start the dating. I do not want to do anything that will make the situation worse. I want my wife, but I feel stuck in this rut because my uncertainities. I've been on the dates, but I won't allow anything to progress. Just passing time and having fun. I truly want my wife, but my pride won't allow me to be a doormat. If she refuses to meet me, then I don't know what I can do. My goal is to give 30 days of little contact. Only talk about kids and if she hasn't signed or showed in interest in reconcilation then I will push the issue. My counselor feels I am allowing myself to be a pushover, but my wife would expect me to want things on my terms. Please any thoughts. 

Sorry it's so long.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I am right there with you friend. It's been almost a week since I started giving her space and I am just as lost as you are. All I can say is hang in there.


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## dancininthestorm (Sep 30, 2009)

Alright I'm completely confused and have no clue what to do. I asked my wife when will the divorce be final. She said she didn't have the money to pay to get a final date, but it was basically already over. So, I offerred to pay half, but she said she couldn't afford it. Finally, the next day I offerred to pay the entire amount. She completely ignores that I offerred to pay it all. I sent her an email explaining that I didin't want a divorce, but I'm stuck in this rut until I get some kind of closure. Maybe she is content with the situation, but I am not. Also, I do not want to drag a divorce through the holidays. I don't understand, if she wants a divorce, I'm offerring to pay, Why not end it? 

I'm not sure if I should press her with this. I don't want one, but it's not right that I sit here waiting when she says we're getting a divorce. HELP, ADVICE PLEASE!!!


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