# Corrected my wife and she got very angry. How do you deal with this?



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Hi,

I have a personal incident I would like to share. 


We were visiting some relatives who live quite far away. That particular day my wife had an errand because of which I could not take my preferred route and instead had to drive thru some really nasty traffic. Like over three hours of driving out of which more than two hours was in bumper to bumper traffic.

My plan was to drop my family there, have lunch and return home.

We reach that high security destination and my wife is talking to the security guards to get the gate opened. They will NEVER and I repeat NEVER let anyone enter without a telephone authorization from the resident we are visiting.
This is how it has always been. My wife knows this and she usually tries to tell the guards that we are visiting family and they should not stop us every time. But that is the protocol.

So she nags the guards for almost 2 mins. Its getting delayed because the phone is not being picked up.
I finally had enough and I asked her to stop it and let the guards do their job.

Now inside the car are my kids, my sister in law and her teen daughter.

As soon as we move my wife blows up on me saying how dare I speak in such a tone in front of the guards.
I tell her there was nothing wrong in what I said, as she was not letting them do their job.

Anyways since one of the complaints I get from people (even on TAM) is that I never apologize and am bull headed.
So I give her the benefit of doubt.
I apologize.

But she does not want to listen and instead keeps telling me that I was wrong.
When I remind her that she is still screaming in front of others, she said its family. Those guards were outsiders.

Anyways I drop her at my relatives place. Skipped my lunch and drove back home. Picked up some nice food and enjoyed a relaxed although very delayed lunch.

Now the twist in the story is that my car is equipped with a dashcam. So I had full audio of this incident.

I played it back and I found that my wife was telling the guards and she was polite not abusive or demeaning. She just kept on whining asking to be let thru.

I spoke to her in my normal tone of voice. There was in fact no change in my voice. 
I only said two things. One I asked my wife to call her relatives who live there on their alternate cellphone. Then I told the guards that its ok as they are doing their job.
As we move, I tell my wife that she should cool it and let others do their job.
This is when she blew up....

---------------------------

I had apologized and now I do feel that it was ok to do that.
My wife never apologized.

-----------------------------
I went full dark on her. She was going to be staying there over the weekend as all her cousins etc were going to join them.
On day 2, she had my daughter call me and I spoke with my kids. She also spoke as if nothing was wrong.
On day 3, she messaged me asking why I had not messaged or called her. I just said I was busy with work.

I don't know why I am creating this thread.
But would like advice on how do you deal with such situations.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

The silent treatment is the act of a child. It accomplishes nothing but building resentment.

I don't know you, I don't know the backstory but something about the way you wrote your story makes me feel sorry for your wife.

Sounds to me like she's just sick and tired of being badgered and this isn't a one time occurrence.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Rather that being passive-aggressive with her and not responding when she contacted you, you should have told her that you feel she owes you an apology for the way she treated you in front of your kids and family. If she won't, and blows up over that too, post the original video on facebook and share with her and the family! You did not show her disrespect, but she sure showed you, and it's not acceptable.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

imtamnew said:


> But would like advice on how do you deal with such situations.


Tell your wife, "You are not a special little snowflake. If you continue to be argumentative with others and not allow them to due their jobs (or in this case follow protocol that EVERYONE has too) we will take separate cars going forward."

I don't see any difference with what she did and for example going to a restaurant with that one person (everyone knows that ONE PERSON) who makes a total embarrassment of themselves every time you go out to eat. Always rude to the waiter, always sends food back if it's less than perfect, critiques everything and acts like a pre-madonna. And you just sit their mortified by their behavior.

Nope the solution is you don't go out with them and let them make fools of themselves. Take separate cars, if she doesn't cut the crap. You should be the one mad, not her. Act like it and don't be a push over. If I was in that car, I'd of told her point blank to, "cut that sh!t out, you're embarrassing me."


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> you should have told her that you feel she owes you an apology for the way she treated you in front of your kids and family.


I'm seeing more of this sort of advice lately and I'm going to just say that I think it's really, really BAD.

Present your side of things, perhaps they will see they were unreasonable and offer up an apology. ON THEIR OWN. 

But to ASK them to say "I'm sorry" is just the height of lameness.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There are many things you will and should apologize for in this life, but calling someone on their [email protected] behavior is not one of them. 

What was stopping you from calling ahead of time for authorization from the resident you were visiting?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Probably she felt embarrassed & undermined by your interference. 
Both of you should have apologised, you did, she didn't. 

Anyway it seems likely she's forgotten or moved on from the incident. 
I think you should let it go & move forward with being happy again. 

Try not to interrupt in the future, just let her talk away, even if you know that you are right, just let her learn herself that sometimes trying to persuade others is futile. 

Sometimes when my husband is doing something wrong I used to point it out & he would get frustrated with that, now I just leave him to it. 
Saves an argument from happening. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Probably she felt embarrassed & undermined by your interference.
> Both of you should have apologised, you did, she didn't.
> 
> Anyway it seems likely she's forgotten or moved on from the incident.
> ...


Yep she is a adult you got to let it go. Just walk away as it didn't directly affect you.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Right and wrong mean very little in relationships. It is the connection that matters. As such, we can evaluate both you and your wife. Both employed destruction-damaging actions. I train men NOT to talk to their wives like that. It just doesn't work.

You are allowed to have an opinion, but we have to be cognizant enough to look at what will happen as a result of our actions.

#1: take responsibility for your actions, whether or not anyone else does.
#2: Do you job in the relationship, whether or not she does
(there are more steps, fyi)

By going "dark" on her, you pretty much invalidated any reason for her to apologize to you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

caruso said:


> I'm seeing more of this sort of advice lately and I'm going to just say that I think it's really, really BAD.
> 
> Present your side of things, perhaps they will see they were unreasonable and offer up an apology. ON THEIR OWN.
> 
> But to ASK them to say "I'm sorry" is just the height of lameness.


It's bad advice if you want to be a doormat. Now, if this was an unusual response for her, sure, let it go. Otherwise, they should both respect each other, and handle disagreements without yelling and inappropriate anger.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> It's bad advice if you want to be a doormat. Now, if this was an unusual response for her, sure, let it go. Otherwise, they should both respect each other, and handle disagreements without yelling and inappropriate anger.


Yes they should respect each other and handle disagreements without yelling and inappropriate anger I'm with you 100%.

But what does that have to do with asking or demanding an apology?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its always best to de-escalate from the start: 

When she asks the guards to let her through "[wife], they have to follow the rules or they could get fired / court martialed. They really don't have a choice".


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Sorry, but I would not let my wife disrespect me like that. No way. You weren't wrong, so why did you apologized? To keep the peace? That's mature but you know she's going to disrespect you again in the future, right? That's why picking the right partner is everything. You'd want someone who has a good head on their shoulders, who knows to humble themselves and apologize when they're wrong, who has the good sense to take heated arguments behind closed doors.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

uhtred said:


> When she asks the guards to let her through "[wife], they have to follow the rules or they could get fired / court martialed. They really don't have a choice".


A security guard at a residential complex could get court martialed for letting an unregistered visitor into the complex?

Who knew?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

caruso said:


> Yes they should respect each other and handle disagreements without yelling and inappropriate anger I'm with you 100%.
> 
> But what does that have to do with asking or demanding an apology?


If she fails to provide an apology for her bad behavior, you don't thing he deserves one enough to ask? Avoidance only encourages further bad behavior, because she may not realize that she was disrespectful.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Married but Happy said:


> If she fails to provide an apology for her bad behavior, you don't thing he deserves one enough to ask? Avoidance only encourages further bad behavior, because she may not realize that she was disrespectful.


He can certainly explain that she's being disrespectful to him, and hope she realizes it and sees it his way, and she's welcome to offer up a sincere "sorry honey you're right", but going so far as to say "You were disrespectful please apologize to me" is lame.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

caruso said:


> The silent treatment is the act of a child. It accomplishes nothing but building resentment.
> 
> I don't know you, I don't know the backstory but something about the way you wrote your story makes me feel sorry for your wife.
> 
> Sounds to me like she's just sick and tired of being badgered and this isn't a one time occurrence.


He says he still has the recording, and if it's true that he was the calm one and his wife still exploded, why do you make her out to be the victim? What makes you think he's been badgering her?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> He says he still has the recording, and if it's true that he was the calm one and his wife still exploded, why do you make her out to be the victim? What makes you think he's been badgering her?


I don't know it's just a feeling nothing more. The way she erupted it seems like it was building. Or she's just bipolar or something.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Yep she is a adult you got to let it go. Just walk away as it didn't directly affect you.


But because his wife was delaying him it was affecting him.

She had two choices of action:-

1) Continue whining at the security guards which was guaranteed to have no effect at all, as the Guards know how to deal with "I am oh-so-special" people. They just ignore them.

2) Call the residents on the other number that she had.

She chose the wrong option.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I went dark in the sense that I did not call or message her. When she did, I responded in the best possible way. I do have the video but I will never share it on social media or even with anyone else.
That is just not right.

I think she figures that she was wrong but knowing her an apology will not happen and I don't ask either.

I don't think she is bipolar. But most of her sisters have broken marriages and she feels a lot of anger at her father. She believes that he did not value their choice in any aspect of life. So small things like this can quickly escalate.

I am grateful to everyone who responded. Since I am in India and it's almost 3 am, I might not respond for the next couple of hours. Please excuse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The OP said "high security" so I assumed housing associated with a military base or something. I may have a different concept of "high security" than many people do from some previous jobs I've had. 





caruso said:


> A security guard at a residential complex could get court martialed for letting an unregistered visitor into the complex?
> 
> Who knew?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

And while the guards will not be court martialed they will most certainly lose their job. That particular residential community pays a lot of money for their security and do not tolerate any lapses.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

This is learned behavior. If the partner knows what unacceptable behavior they can get away with, they will not be incentivized to change. If your story is factual and you have not taken any liberty with what happened, then it seems to me your wife thinks she's the one wearing the pants in this marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sometimes its better to just sit back and let your wife make a spectacle of herself. You don't have to do a thing to show everyone around what a bonehead she is. She will do that all on her own.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

If the roles were reversed, and it was the husband yelling at his calm wife, how many here would have said the husband was being verbally abusive?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> If the roles were reversed, and it was the husband yelling at his calm wife, how many here would have said the husband was being verbally abusive?


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I don't think anyone we know would put me in a victim category. Screaming back at her would have been useless. I don't intend delete the video files. Maybe sometime in future I will ask her to watch.

We both over went for IC. Her doctor later confided in me that is very difficult to change someone who is very sure they are correct.
My counseling thought me that is OK to stay calm and later release the negative energy by investing it into more constructive outlets.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

They were supposed to return home around lunch but instead came in time for breakfast. So I made some nice pancakes.

I know she feels bad and has a feeling of one who knows they crossed a line.
But did not apologize or even talk about it.

Anyways I think this is the best thing to do:



bandit.45 said:


> Sometimes its better to just sit back and let your wife make a spectacle of herself. You don't have to do a thing to show everyone around what a bonehead she is. She will do that all on her own.


It happened before...it will happen again.
Its better if I just let her someday figure it out herself. No point correcting someone who is sure of themselves.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pancakes for breakfast? That reminds me. I really must ask my wife to make some roti again!

And she has run out of neem toothpaste so it's off to the Sikh shop owner in town for fresh supplies!

And folks, as the OP is in India a secure housing compound means very secure. Probably armed guards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Pancakes for breakfast? That reminds me. I really must ask my wife to make some roti again!
> 
> And she has run out of neem toothpaste so it's off to the Sikh shop owner in town for fresh supplies!
> 
> ...


No armed guards. Secured with electric fencing but no armed guards. The gates will not open without authorization. But in India we don't really have armed guards unless the property is something like a railway station, police, army barracks etc.

Private property very very rarely has armed guards.

And Pancakes are so easy to make and kids love them a lot. 
Although to be truthful I did not exactly make pancakes but dosa's.
Dosa is a Indian rice and lentil based breakfast dish which looks more like a crepe.
I said pancakes because I was not sure Dosa would make much sense to others.
But I have a feeling you will know them.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

imtamnew said:


> No armed guards. Secured with electric fencing but no armed guards. The gates will not open without authorization. But in India we don't really have armed guards unless the property is something like a railway station, police, army barracks etc.
> 
> Private property very very rarely has armed guards.
> 
> ...


Yep! My wife's family is from India, so I do know a little bit about Indian foods! 

Her family originated in Southern India. They are not Anglo-Indian but Cymru-Indian, or Welsh-Indian.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

imtamnew said:


> No armed guards. Secured with electric fencing but no armed guards. The gates will not open without authorization. But in India we don't really have armed guards unless the property is something like a railway station, police, army barracks etc.
> 
> Private property very very rarely has armed guards.
> 
> ...


Are you and your wife Indian? Or ex-pats?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

imtamnew said:


> Although to be truthful I did not exactly make pancakes but dosa's.
> Dosa is a Indian rice and lentil based breakfast dish which looks more like a crepe.
> I said pancakes because I was not sure Dosa would make much sense to others.
> But I have a feeling you will know them.


Mmmmmmm. Dosa. Love Indian food. Especially with masala chai.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Are you and your wife Indian? Or ex-pats?


Indians living in India.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

How far South? There's a distinct difference between my northern and southern India friends .


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

South India. One of the IT boom cities.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

When my ex use to blow up on me in front of others, I'd smile and just shake my head. No point in arguing with a someone that is a beotch and will never admit they are wrong. I got the last laugh, divorced her and forced her to work full time. Hope the rest of you marriage is great, otherwise I wouldn't put up with that crap. There are so many single women out there, don't deprive yourself.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

If I had to say that to my wife and she blew up, in the past I would have gotten very angry and "gone dark" too.

After my TAM education I realized this was passive aggressive and solved nothing.

Now I simply gaze at her with a piercing look and a smile. 10 times out of 10 she calms down. The worst thing you can do is react negatively, especially going dark.

Apparently women really dig this, at least my wife does. Whatever your wife does to you, don't get upset. Just smile and act like your unaffected and indestructible.

My wife loves the freedom to be angry with me WITHOUT it effecting me in the slightest.
It is very empowering to develop the skill of not letting things bother you. The result is a purring kitten of a wife and earned respect.

Respect gets panties wet.

It works.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why don't we call it for what it is... two people stuck in a loaded car in heavy traffic for hours. Nerves frayed, patience lost, tired, etc...

Just move on. Neither your comment nor her response is enough to get worked up about. have make-up sex and move on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

imtamnew said:


> Indians living in India.


Culturally speaking, is an Indian wife supposed to be generally submissive to her husband or did that convention go away a long time ago?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Ok. Here's my take.

You both have a few very normal relationship problems.

You seem to act with a plan and expect others to do so. I leapt to that conclusion based on limited data. But you clearly had meal plans, driving plans, etc and knew what would happen when you got there.

You should have completed the planning and called ahead. That's on you if you wanted to execute your plan.

W might be a tad high strung and more impulsive. Again - not a lot to go on but I might as well have fun 

If so, why would you expect her to act differently? That may be her nature. If so, let her rant and feel free to cut her off but expect a reaction. Just let her react and don't let it bother you.

But don't do the passive aggressive quiet dude thing. That's weak. If you are unhappy with her either let it go and live with it, or speak up and live with it. Since you spoke up, I think you have to show her the video and discuss it. But let her own her **** without rubbing her nose in it.

Btw reminds me of the saying... there are those who can extrapolate with limited information.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Culturally speaking, is an Indian wife supposed to be generally submissive to her husband or did that convention go away a long time ago?


In theory (and particularly front of other men) submissive (to show his strength, thus respect).

So re: correcting his wife, and her blowing up.

Asking instead how important is saving face in Indian culture ?
Did he give her a way to save face is his correction?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Sorry, but I would not let my wife disrespect me like that. No way. You weren't wrong, so why did you apologized? To keep the peace? That's mature but you know she's going to disrespect you again in the future, right? That's why picking the right partner is everything. *You'd want someone who has a good head on their shoulders, who knows to humble themselves and apologize when they're wrong, who has the good sense to take heated arguments behind closed doors.*


If only symbiotic love and picking the right lovebird at the pet shop were so easy.

There is no checklist to pre-marital relations.

Before I got married I dated a number of calm, quiet, polite girls. They could not get my...attention. Their personalities were exemplar. Their attractive chemistry was not a match.

I fell head over heels in love with a tiger of a gal.........she was just my type.

And I have the scratches and bruised ego to prove it. Love is not logical or calculated..................it is chaos theory....uh-huh!


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> If only symbiotic love and picking the right lovebird at the pet shop were so easy.
> 
> There is no checklist to pre-marital relations.
> 
> ...


That's why one should make the most of their time during the courtship to really get to know their partner.


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

Prevent the conflicts from making negative effects on your relationship.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Culturally speaking, is an Indian wife supposed to be generally submissive to her husband or did that convention go away a long time ago?


Think it depends on the family. Some Indian families are quite "forward looking" and treat women more as equal. Others are fairly "old" in their thinking and can be quite tough on their expectations on women.

I am of Panjabi(north Indian) heritage and I have seen a massive change in Indian culture over the last 30 years.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

We had a really long drive for a vacation.

I saw a couple of young girls taking a selfie while standing at a traffic light. I told her that yesterday while I was trying to beat a red light, I saw a girl look at her phone and instinctively veered away from that lane. That idiot jay walker did what I expected. Walked into a traffic lane and if I had not reacted, I would have smashed into her.

My wife latched on to the topic and said I look into my phone all the time. I looked at her in all seriousness and said No, I dont.
She then went on a rant for about 5 mins while I still have this serious face.

Once completed. I started laughing and said when I have a thousands of such faults this is just one drop in my ocean. She finally got it that all her ranting was pointless and had no effect.
She was laughing at herself at the end of this nonsensical argument.

Was a nice moment....sort of an adaption of what UMP had written earlier.


Our relationship is kinda ok. We take care of eachother and fight and laugh.
Except sex.

Been over a year because I don't want to have sex with her. Our issue is weird. Her idea of sex is a 2 min quick one which gets her an orgasm. I barely get into the happy zone. So decided after a decade of being married that I will not have sex unless she proves that my needs are met first.


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