# Is this the start of an EA...PLEASE RESPOND



## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Is this the start of an Emotional affair or is it just innocent?

My husband and I are going through some marital issues. Our communication is focused on our kids, household things. I can't even remember the last time we laughed together.

Yesterday, I found a message that my husband sent to a high school female friend via Facebook. His message: "Hey did you pull a me, and just drop off the face of the earth? I never see you online anymore. lol, just giving you a hard time. I hope all is well". Her response, " LOL...yeah Just trying to lay low. Headed to San Fran then Yosemite for a few days! How r u? I miss talking with u too BTW. We had some good laughs!"

My issue, is that my husband and I barely speak now and obviously he is seeking conversation with another woman. This message upsets me as he obviously noticed that she hasn't been online on FB and has specifically reached out to her. 

Am I reading too much into this? I promised him that I wouldn't go through his FB so I don't want to bring this up to him as he will know that I have been snooping. 

I want this marriage to work but how can it work when my husband is conversing with another woman?


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## nire4410 (Jun 17, 2011)

Sounds to me like he has had other conversations with her that you don't know about. That would make me paranoid-- but I'm not in a good place in my marriage to give unbias advice!


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

nire, yes it's pretty obvious that they have had conversations. However, I believe it's only been on Facebook online chats. I checked the cell phone log, and his email and haven't found anything. Unless he talks to her on our home phone when I'm at work. He has odd work hours and is sometimes home during the day when I'm away at work. 

I am just wondering if it's innocent chatting on FB or is it now the start of something more.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Promising to not go through his Facebook is an absurd request on his part. If he's got nothing to hide, what's the big deal. There is no room for secrets in a marriage. 

It may not be an EA, but if he's keeping it secret or getting more involved, then it could become one real fast.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

A guy from HS and I chatted like that. It was boredom, looking for something to do. I would keep an eye on things but not freak out. You have access to his account so unless he changes the password it is pretty safe they aren't up to no good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

I innocently chat of facebook with an exboyfriend of mine. He does NOT interest me in the least (thus..he is an EX) BUT when he friended me..I showed it to my husband..and when he invited me out to where he was playing (he is an awesome musician) I asked if it would be ok to bring hubby along..to which he said " of COURSE" and even better..when we got there...turns out my hubby used to work with him..they KNEW each other. Long story short...EXBF told me that I married a great guy...I told him I KNEW that..and my facebook is never off limits. Hubby has my password and uses it frequently as our daughter is always uploading little pics of our baby grandkids..(hey..we are YOUNG grandparents ok..only in mid forties..lol) 

anyway. FB and ANY social networking site should NOT be off limits to our spouses. I would be more concerned that he thinks looking at his facebook is "snooping" than anything else. 

Honestly does sound like some of the chats I have had with male friends from past or work...regardless...they need to be in the open. I would have a talk about trust and respect with your hubby..and make sure that he realizes that there should be NO secrecy in a marriage..no secrecy..means NO NEED TO SNOOP.

hugs


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Because your marriage is struggling your husband is very vulnerable to getting "too close" to this woman. This is playing with fire and I believe you should have a discussion about contact with her. My wife started a friendship via a social network. An innocent enough start. At the time our marriage was having difficulties. Yup, it happened. Full force EA and it nearly killed an already weakened marriage. We are very strong now but still have a rule. No contact with old flames, no exceptions! Good luck.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your responses. 

Here's a bit of a history...I am very insecure and will be starting counseling next week. I have always had my husband's password to FB but recently he changed it because I was assuming things that were completely unfounded. I was insecure about just about any woman he was FB friends with and this obviously affected our marriage since nothing was going on. I will admit that other than our communication problems, he has not given me any sign that he is having an affair.

So in a nut shell, he stated that if I didn't have access to it then there would be no reason for my insecurities.

So what are your thoughts about that?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I agree with Donewithit about the secrecy thing.
Facebook has the potential to cause a lot of issues in a marriage. Is this the start of an emotional affair? I would say absolutely. The problem with Facebook and other social networking sites is that it introduces a level of secrecy that could be damaging to the relationship. Secrecy destroys trust, which is fundamental for a happy relationship. By no means am I against facebook. I just think couples need to have boundaries when using it. If you wouldn't do anything in person (like enter into a private room to talk with someone of the opposite sex) than it also should not be done on facebook. A little while back I wrote a blog post about boundaries and facebook. It might be helpful to look at. Improve My Marriage: Facebook and Boundaries


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Amplexor, how did you resolve it and make your marriage stronger?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Whether it is or not hr beginning of an EA, you need to treat it like it is... mosttly because you've acknoledged the state of he marriage makes him more vulnerable to it. So be not so much focused on the dialogue he is or isn't having with her (although be vigilant), as much as on the dialogue YOU should now start having with him... open, honest, real, truthful discussion now, recognizing the staleness of your current state of marriage, BUT your renewed commitment to getting it back on track. Essentially, taking the approach to remove any reason he'd consider looking elsewhere, because he and you both are renewed in your focus to making your relationship better. The dialogue should then include renewing trust -- including you not feeling excluded from whatever FB/email/phone chats he might be seeking.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Thanks Brian, this was very helpful.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

alwaysnforever said:


> Amplexor, how did you resolve it and make your marriage stronger?


Read my thread, "When is Enough, Enough" in the Reconciliation forum. Note the dates. Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is one of the few times where I think something may NOT be happening. 

That conversation doesn't ping my infidelity spidey sense. Sure, he talked to someone else but it doesn't sound salacious to me. 

To me it sounds like you are a jealous/insecure person and it's adversely effectin gyour relationship with him. My ex was INSANELY jealous and after awhile I started to resent him. 



alwaysnforever said:


> I promised him that I wouldn't go through his FB so I don't want to bring this up to him as he will know that I have been snooping.


Elaborate. Do you/did you have a habit of going through his things before?? If that is the case, then yes, he is probably weirded out. My ex, the same one I wrote about above ... sometimes I'd be typing on the computer and would turn around and he'd be standing there. I'd say, WTF, I didn't hear you come in and he'd say, "I'm watching you" all weird and whatnot. Granted I'd be shopping on ebay or checking my email or working but it made me feel he did not trust me at all and it sucked and over time, it's one of the things that ruined our relationship. He'd make me feel bad for just saying Hi to the postman. That is no way to live.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Kinda with Jelly on this. It didn't sound like anything to me. But I would definitely keep your antennae up just in case. Just keep your concerns to yourself until you see something more incriminating than this. You could push your H away further if you badger him about it. Do that part privately.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I trusted my wife 100% for 15 yrs and 8 months. Just found out by seeing some texts and calling the suspected OM that she has had an affair the last 15.5 months. fresh wound for me but I would but I wish I would have had doubts sooner.


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Amp...wonderful outcome to your thread. Gives me hope...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That conversation doesn't ping my infidelity spidey sense.


Its funny how we develop that skill after being bitten by a radioactive spouse:awink:


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Elaborate. Do you/did you have a habit of going through his things before?? If that is the case, then yes, he is probably weirded out. My ex, the same one I wrote about above ... sometimes I'd be typing on the computer and would turn around and he'd be standing there. I'd say, WTF, I didn't hear you come in and he'd say, "I'm watching you" all weird and whatnot. Granted I'd be shopping on ebay or checking my email or working but it made me feel he did not trust me at all and it sucked and over time, it's one of the things that ruined our relationship. He'd make me feel bad for just saying Hi to the postman. That is no way to live.


Jelly, I am embarrass to say that YES, I had a bad habit of going through his things...mostly his facebook but he then changed his password and now his emails. I'm sure it sucks to be on the receiving end of my jealous and insecurity. I've seen that first hand as my husband is reaching his limit. I have made an appt to start counseling. My 1st session is next Thursday.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Are you a jealous person by nature or has your H behaved in ways that led you to this point? Does he have obvious boundaries when he's around other women? Has he always been truthful?

Despite your answers you still need to work on handling your jealousy in a healthy manner. If he has helped create an environment that has led to your insecurities he should be a large part of changing the current dynamic. This would likely include allowing you to see his FB.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alwaysnforever (Jun 16, 2011)

WhereamI, yes I have always been jealous and insecure. I have never set boundaries on my husband regarding women and he has never done anything to really cause me to be this way. I think there are more issues that I may not be aware of which is why I am seeking counseling.

The thing with my husband is that he was MR. POPULAR back in the day and since FB, all of these old friends are popping up and I can't help it, I feel insecure.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Because your marriage is struggling your husband is very vulnerable to getting "too close" to this woman. This is playing with fire and I believe you should have a discussion about contact with her. My wife started a friendship via a social network. An innocent enough start. At the time our marriage was having difficulties. Yup, it happened. Full force EA and it nearly killed an already weakened marriage. We are very strong now but still have a rule. No contact with old flames, no exceptions! Good luck.


:iagree:

He is definitely on the slippery slope. I would be on the lookout for the start of any red flags of an EA.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Its funny how we develop that skill after being bitten by a radioactive spouse:awink:


:smthumbup:

True. The conversation seems innocent enough. Now if he starts being on it all the time, minimizes or closes windows when she comes in the room and changes his passwords, then the infidelity spidey sense would be going crazy.


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## Lostinthewoods (Jun 12, 2011)

I'm new here, and can only offer up that the beginning of my feelings toward the OM in my alleged EA began from texts just like that. 

(I say alleged because I still struggle to call it an EA. OM and I outed our attraction to each other once, and then ended contact - and I haven't told my H- which is a big problem, I know). 

But as objectively as I can be, I think her comment, "I miss our talks" is the red flag to me. If ever the OM implied that he "missed" anything to do with me, it was a very definitive stroke to my ego and a building block toward my eventual attraction to him. 

There are two cents from one who remains in somewhat denial...


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