# My boyfriend doesn't find me attractive but wants to get married...



## StrugglingToCope

I started dating this guy about 6 months ago. We had a bit of a rocky start but managed to smooth things over. I've been living with him for about 2 months now. He constantly tells me he adores me, he loves me, he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to have children with me etc. He is extremely loving, affectionate, attentive, caring, devoted, driven etc. I am very much in love with him BUT he isn't physically attracted to me at all. He says he feels no chemistry with me. He's tried and he wants to but he cannot force himself to and he doesn't understand why. From his perspective I am perfect and he cannot think of anyone he would rather spend his life with but physically I am just not his type at all. He says if he can get over the lack of physical attraction and just love me for who I am as a person, why can't I accept it?

I just struggle with it so much. A bit of background history on me... I dealt with serious eating disorders when I was younger and then suffered through a severe health problem due to it and ended up on steroids and hormonal therapy which ended up causing me to gain about 100 lbs in 3 months and probably 50 more over time. I battled with this weight for about 6 years until I finally got rid of it. I am 30 years old, I wear a size 6/8, 5'6 140 lbs, I take martial arts classes daily, I go to the gym frequently and from most peoples perspective I am considered very attractive. I receive a tremendous amount of male attention and receive random compliments from strangers all the time. I have long, shapely, slender legs and a large bust. I also happen to have a large frame. I am naturally big boned and there is nothing I can do about that. Weight loss won't do me much good since my ribs and pelvic bone already stick out quite a bit. I have a rounder, fuller face and unfortunately I am also dealing with quite a bit of loose skin from the weight loss which needs to be surgically corrected. I have maintained this weight for over 2 years now, so it isnt like my weight is still fluctuating. 

He, however has a thing for very tall, very thin women. All the women he's dated have been around 5'10 and 105 lbs. I mean anorexic looking women with tiny bone structures who are flat chested and extremely waifish. I am not tall and lanky and never will be. He also has a fondness for pale blonde or asian girls. I am an average height, curvy brunette. 

I understand the skin bothers him but I told him that there is no way I am getting that corrected until after I have children and he agreed that I should wait but even with my clothes on, where most people think I am gorgeous, he doesn't find me attractive. I am simply not his type and there isn't much I can do to change that. I've had my hair permanently straightened (since he hates my naturally curly hair) and he said that's an improvement but the truth is, he has pretty much given up on finding me physically attractive. He tells me that he just adores me for who I am and its something I need to learn to live with.

He doesn't understand why its so difficult for me to accept that.
I am so in love with him, I don't find him to be particularly attractive but I guess it's different for me because I don't have a type. I just feel that chemistry and passion for him because I love him. No matter how much he claims to love me he says he just feels nothing. He never feels that attraction.

He discussed this issue with his friend who claims that he loves me but he isn't in love with me. He seems to agree with that assessment. 

I try and tell myself that it isnt important. If he loves me and is committed to me and wants to stay with me, spend his life with me, be with me every waking moment, it should be enough but every now and then this issue just comes up and it makes me feel horrible and disgusting. 

For so many years I struggled with the way I looked, I fought hard to lose the weight that I gained so that I could find someone who was attracted to me because I felt I needed that passion and now I find someone that I adore who claims to adore me but I know will never feel sparks when he sees me or kisses me and it just devastates me.

He tells me I am beautiful and I feel like he is being disingenuous so he tells me I am a beautiful person.

Am I so shallow? If looks and passion fades anyway and the most important things in a relationship are things like compatibility, conversational chemistry, similar goals, world views etc. then why should this bother me so much?

How do I get over this? Is this something I should accept/get over? Is this the wrong relationship for me/us?

I cannot use logical arguments to combat emotion no matter how hard I try. I am so lost.

I can see my life with him. I can see us having children and happy and successful. He does make me happy, I just really wished he was attracted to me.

I have met one of his ex girlfriends and I saw the way he looked at her. She looked like the best steak in the world to a man who was dying from starvation. He just wanted to devour her and he admitted to me that he still feels that way every time he sees her, he can't help it.

I know that he will never cheat on me or leave me if we do get married but...

I would greatly appreciate any clarity.

Thanks.


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## jaquen

There is nothing wrong with him not being physically/sexually attracted to you. It is possible to fall for the person, but not for the outer shell. I know because it happened to me once. You like who you like. The fact that he's not attracted to you doesn't mean you're unattractive; that is your obvious insecurity talking. It just means that he has a type, and you're not it.

What is wrong is the fact that you're even contemplating staying with him. I get the strong feeling that you're dealing with some deep self worth issues, and on some level find yourself lucky that this guy is willing to stick with you, despite his lack of attraction to you. A person with a healthy, strong esteem would have walked out the second their lover told them that they do not, and can not, find them sexually/physically attractive. The fact that you've stayed, and are even seeking advice about whether you're shallow, and should learn to accept this, speaks volumes not about him, but about you.

You're in the wrong relationship. You're degrading yourself every single day you stay. You have to set about exploring why you're willing, and able, to accept so little from him, and for yourself.


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## PBear

Do you need an actual red flag waving in your face?

You've been dating for 6 months, and living together for 2. You're going way too fast. IMHO, of course. 

Have you resolved the issues that caused your eating disorder? 

And why do you think he'll never cheat on you when he looks at his girlfriend like she's steak and he hasn't eaten for a month? 

Look through all the posts in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, and see what it's like to live in a marriage where your spouse doesn't find you attractive. Look in the "Coping With Infidelity" forum and read all the threads where someone believed that their spouse would never cheat on them.

How old is he, BTW? And how's your sex life now?

C


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## kl84

I'm sorry ahead of time to those who will disagree with what i'm saying here, but, I think you need to find someone else. That's just my two cents.

It seems like it would be only a matter of time before he decided he couldn't take anymore lack of physical attraction and either left you for someone more his type or cheated on you with someone more his type. He said he's hoping this issue will change and that is the WRONG WAY to enter a marriage together. Too many times, people jump into marriage thinking their issues will resolve over time, but they don't and they end up being divorced. 

I know you say you love him and he loves you but you only have 6 months invested into this relationship, I wouldn't invest anymore than that. Find someone who accepts the whole package. Physical attraction actually *is* important, especially in the beginning. Sure over time the physical attraction may start to sort of fizzle but yours was never there from the get go. And the whole "love you but not in love with you thing"? At 6 months in? No. Please reevaluate this situation.


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## CallaLily

Well since sex is important in a relationship, and I don't think I saw you mention sex in your OP, how is that? You say he isn't physically attracted to you so I'm assuming he struggles with sex? Or thats not a problem? 

When I read the part about about how he wants to marry you anyway regardless of the physical part, a part of me thought that was nice, but at the same times, I couldn't help but see a future for you of you being like a mother to him, because he sees you as sweet, caring, attentive and taking care of kids, not in a sexual way. I just see it as a major problem in your marriage down the road, no matter what he says right now.


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## that_girl

Why would you marry someone who doesn't want to jump your bones every minute of every hour in the beginning of your relationship? 

roommates are easier to get rid of in the long run. Get one of those. I would never marry someone who didn't find me attractive.


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## StrugglingToCope

jaquen said:


> There is nothing wrong with him not being physically/sexually attracted to you. It is possible to fall for the person, but not for the outer shell. I know because it happened to me once. You like who you like. The fact that he's not attracted to you doesn't mean you're unattractive; that is your obvious insecurity talking. It just means that he has a type, and you're not it.


If thats the case, why shouldn't one be involved in a relationship with someone that they fell for but not the outer shell?

What about people who genuinely are physically unattractive? Burn victims etc? Are their prospects of ever having a meaningful relationship doomed?



> What is wrong is the fact that you're even contemplating staying with him. I get the strong feeling that you're dealing with some deep self worth issues, and on some level find yourself lucky that this guy is willing to stick with you, despite his lack of attraction to you.


I think that may be part of it. I have spent the last 2 years working on loving and accepting myself as I am and working on my self worth. As I've been dating, I had no shortage of men who wanted to date me and found me physically attractive but there were always other incompatibility issues. I guess what I am saying is at what point are you supposed to stop sacrificing the good for the great? If I want to find someone, get married and have children I don't have an unlimited amount of time. I don't know that I feel lucky that he is with me. I really don't have trouble finding other men that want to be in relationships with me, I am just particularly drawn to this one. I find him fascinating and brilliant and he pushes and encourages me in a way no one ever has before. I appreciate him so much.




> A person with a healthy, strong esteem would have walked out the second their lover told them that they do not, and can not, find them sexually/physically attractive. The fact that you've stayed, and are even seeking advice about whether you're shallow, and should learn to accept this, speaks volumes not about him, but about you.


We are constantly being bombarded with mixed messages. A person should love you for who you are, not what you look like but then when you find someone who loves you for who you are and not what you look like, we end up feeling devastated because so much of our self worth is wrapped up in our appearance.



> You're in the wrong relationship. You're degrading yourself every single day you stay. You have to set about exploring why you're willing, and able, to accept so little from him, and for yourself.


I guess what I am struggling with is am I really settling for too little? The guy loves me and desperately wants to make me happy. He loves coming home to me, spending time with me. He tells me he loves, adores and appreciates me 100 times a day. We get along so well on so many levels. The issue is more one of this insatiable sexual chemistry rather than no attraction at all. He claims he feels *warmly* towards me rather than crazy sparks. He says he would feel like he is being shallow if he looks for someone else because I am everything he has ever wanted and he doesnt want to lose me.


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## CallaLily

The sex life is good? Is it so, that you could never even tell he wasn't physically attracted to you?


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## that_girl

Yea, I would say you are settling for too little. Believe it or not, there is a good balance between loving inner and outer beauty and there is a man who will be attracted to both.

Sexual intimacy is usually fueled by how the people see each other. If sex is important to you, then I would say this isn't a good match.


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## StrugglingToCope

PBear said:


> Do you need an actual red flag waving in your face?
> 
> You've been dating for 6 months, and living together for 2. You're going way too fast. IMHO, of course.
> 
> Have you resolved the issues that caused your eating disorder?
> 
> And why do you think he'll never cheat on you when he looks at his girlfriend like she's steak and he hasn't eaten for a month?
> 
> Look through all the posts in the "Sex in Marriage" forum, and see what it's like to live in a marriage where your spouse doesn't find you attractive. Look in the "Coping With Infidelity" forum and read all the threads where someone believed that their spouse would never cheat on them.
> 
> How old is he, BTW? And how's your sex life now?
> 
> C


The eating disorder issues have been resolved and I have spent many years working on it but occasionally those feelings still crop up. I do, however, know how to identify and deal with them when they do. 

I know he wont cheat on me because of the type of person he is. He has EXTREMELY strong views on marriage and commitment and is not the type of person who would default on his commitment. He has been this way his entire life about things and was married for 15 years in a difficult relationship where his spouse was cheating and eventually left him for passion and someone she was more attracted to. He would have remained with her and felt her betrayal and abandonment was unforgivable. Commitment is very important to him. 

He is 35 and we have a great sex life. We are sexually intimate multiple times a day every day. He is extremely attentive to my sexual needs and enjoys giving me pleasure as I do him.


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## StrugglingToCope

CallaLily said:


> The sex life is good? Is it so, that you could never even tell he wasn't physically attracted to you?


We have sex multiple times a day. He is constantly kissing me, groping me in private and in public even when I have to chase him off me. I mean it isnt something that I think about every second of the day. Usually we are kissing or playing or teasing each other and loving it 99% of the time. Its that 1% that comes up every now and then when we get into a discussion and suddenly I am reminded of the fact that he isnt really attracted to me and then I get depressed and he gets upset and hates himself for not being able to force himself to feel that crazy passion that he wants to.

Its weird.


Edited to add:
It's not quite the way it was with this other guy I was dating. This other guy I was dating could just look at me and want me. He would look at me the way this guy looks at his ex. The other guy could see me and just tell me how incredibly beautiful I am and just want me in this deep visceral way that made me feel amazing. It made me feel like I could stop traffic and that he was the luckiest guy in the world to have someone like me. But I don't necessarily believe that the person you marry has to be the person you are most attracted to or have the best sex life in the world. I think there should be some kind of balance. Yes, I do miss and desire that very much but is looking at me like I am steak and wanting me desperately more important than someone that I feel this strong emotional connection to? Someone that I want to spend every second of my life with because we just enjoy each others company so much? Someone that goes out of their way to let me know how amazing they think I am every single day? I am sure he would love to put me in his ex girlfriends body too and being with a woman that hot and desired by a woman who looked like that made him feel amazing but he is willing to overlook it because he feels the most important thing in a relationship is who the person is, not what they look like.


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## CallaLily

StrugglingToCope said:


> Its that 1% that comes up every now and then when we get into a discussion and suddenly I am reminded of the fact that he isnt really attracted to me and then I get depressed and he gets upset and hates himself for not being able to force himself to feel that crazy passion that he wants to.
> 
> Its weird.


And how does that 1% come up? And why would it?


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## jaquen

StrugglingToCope said:


> If thats the case, why shouldn't one be involved in a relationship with someone that they fell for but not the outer shell?
> 
> What about people who genuinely are physically unattractive? Burn victims etc? Are their prospects of ever having a meaningful relationship doomed?


Burn victims who have severe physical deformities do, in fact, struggle very hard to find people willing to look past their disfigurement. It's sad, but there is a "doomed" quality to people who receive those kinds of injuries while single.

And there is no such thing as universal unattractiveness. There will always be someone for a person, no matter how "unattractive" you perceive them to be. Typically the people who are stamped largely as "unattractive" end up with others wearing that same stamp. Sometimes people are genuinely attracted, and sometimes they're settling for what they can get. 

Regardless, none of this really fits your sitaution.





StrugglingToCope said:


> I really don't have trouble finding other men that want to be in relationships with me, I am just particularly drawn to this one. I find him fascinating and brilliant and he pushes and encourages me in a way no one ever has before. I appreciate him so much.


I get that; the heart wants what the heart wants. But the heart doesn't always want what's best.

Honestly, the way you describe your relationship, it feels less passionate love affair, and more intense friendship between two people who just love the other person a lot for who they are.

But there is a radical difference between loving somebody, even loving them intensely, and being passionately in love with them.



StrugglingToCope said:


> We are constantly being bombarded with mixed messages. A person should love you for who you are, not what you look like but then when you find someone who loves you for who you are and not what you look like, we end up feeling devastated because so much of our self worth is wrapped up in our appearance.


None of this matters. It's all theoritical blithering that's nice for debate, but has zero implications in the real world.

You have two questions that you need to answer, and answer honestly for yourself.

Are you truly willing, and capable, of being in a relationship and eventual marriage with a man who is not at all physically attracted to you? For all intents, and purposes, you are a man to your husband. He will always be looking at his "type" as a hungry man starving. And, like all starving people, eventually he will eat. Is that fine with you?

And the other question is about your boyfriend. How do you feel about the fact that he actually expects you to live without his physical attraction? What does that say about how he truly sees you if he thinks you should accept his lack of attraction to you?

That's the bottom line. If you can live with whatever answers you provide yourself to the above, than stay with him. If not, then don't.


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## Jamison

You all have a great sex life, multiple times a day, you all play and tease each other, he loves you, adores, you, is attentive, tells you that you're beautiful, caring, devoted and the list goes on. So I'm not real sure what the problem is.:scratchhead: If he isn't physically attracted to you, it doesn't seem to really show IMO. 

Also, I'm not gonna tell you that you shouldn't marry him, because I think regardless of what people here say, you're going to anyway. It doesn't matter if he looks at his ex like a steak and wants to devour her, after all he loves you, adores you, has sex with you multiple times a day. Also him looking at her or any woman like that will not change after marriage either.


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## jaquen

StrugglingToCope said:


> He has been this way his entire life about things and was married for 15 years in a difficult relationship where his spouse was cheating and eventually left him for passion and someone she was more attracted to. He would have remained with her and felt her betrayal and abandonment was unforgivable. Commitment is very important to him.



Ding! Ding! Ding! Now this is all clear. For the life of me I couldn't pin down HIS motivations for being in this relationship, considering his total lack of attraction to you.

You are the safe choice. The antithesis of his ex-wife. He was burned by a woman on the back of passion, and attraction. You are the salve for that burning. He's desperate to stay with you because you represent the easy road of, in his mind, no pain.

He doesn't find you attractive, so he doesn't see your virility as a threat. He's not worried about the mistakes of his past being repeated as he does not look at you as the kind of woman who can even compete. 

He will not give up on you easily because people fight hard for safe places. He's running away from passion, and attraction, and in his running away he ran into you. 

He's into you because he was desperate, and hurt, and he _needs _you. You are his medicine. You are perfect for his pain.


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## Jamison

jaquen said:


> You are the safe choice.


I agree this could be very much whats going on. I'm assuming being "a safe choice" isn't always a good thing though?


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## jaquen

Jamison said:


> I agree this could be very much whats going on. I'm assuming being "a safe choice" isn't always a good thing though?


I couldn't say one way or the other. I believe people get married to safe choices all the time. It's pretty common. Perhaps it works out for some?


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## CraigW

You've only been dating 6 months and living with him 2 months and already there are these issues? That is supposed to be the time when you think everything about your partner is perfect. 

Your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Make you feel special in every sense. I was struck with how incredibly cruel it was to say what he said. I'm guessing he knows you have those issues and might be playing up those issues to make you feel inadequate. There are other woman more beautiful than my wife but I would NEVER point that out to her or make her feel less than any other woman when it comes to looks, intelligence or anything else. If she is insecure about something I try to tell her she is just as good and worthy as anyone else. 

You need to decide for yourself if this is right or wrong. You seem like an attractive, loving person. You will eventually resent what he said and two things are likely to happen:
1. He will cheat with "his type" and use the excuse about you not being his type. He will say he told you that in the beginning. I believe as long as people have sexual organs, they are capable of cheating. Not that they will but they are capable. His own comments about attraction starts him off ten steps closer.
or 
2. You will resent what he said and how he made you feel. Another guy will come along and will make you feel whole. If you are getting a lot of male attention, eventually someone else is going fire up ALL your cylinders. 

Also, please try and do not let what he said make you feel any less as a person. Personally, I can't stand douche bags who go out of their way to chop someone down rather than build them up.


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## kl84

The way you describe your intimacy with him sounds like he *is* physically attracted to you..... 

You're right, relationships aren't all about physical attraction but to some degree, physical attraction is usually present....you say he isn't physically attracted to you *at all*. That sounds like an issue that will keep resurfacing....


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## Jane_Doe

I really feel for you, OP, and I think that you're doing a wonderful job at building up your own self worth. But it sounds a lot like you're still afraid. You seem to be afraid that if you don't nab THIS guy, gut-wrenching flaw, deep emotional connection and all, then that'll be it for you.

I've felt like that before, but instead of 'attraction' my ex was lacking in 'love'. He was kind, funny, generous, committed, but he never said he 'loved' me (not even after 6 years) and that made every argument about a zillion times worse because I would chant in my head 'he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me at all he will never _ever _love me'. 

You can say on the surface that 'love' is a whole different beast than 'attraction' but to me, and the way you describe the absence of it from him ('maybe I can do without this ONE feeling forever'; that 1% of the time where you feel like dogpoop because of it), it really freaked me out how similar it sounds.

You've had guys who look at you and drool, but weren't compatible with you, and now you have a guy who you're compatible with but he doesn't drool all over you. But a BIG part of compatibility is attraction and looks. As shallow as it seems, it's practically written into (what little I know of) the psychology books. We eat with our eyes and we have sex with our eyes.

So I'm just here to tell you that whether or not you're with this guy, you WILL find someone who absolutely adores you, is compatible with you, and would run across burning hot coals just for a chance to even _touch _your amazing body, and you'll either be single when that happens or you'll already be married.


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## trey69

Actually I'm a little confused by your post, especially the part about him not being physically attracted to you. To me, if I wasn't physically attracted to someone, I wouldn't be having sex with them multiple times a day, chasing after them, groping and kissing them in public, etc. 

Has he just TOLD you he wasn't physically attracted to you? If he told you this, his actions do not seem to match his words. Is it possible he tells you this to make you feel conflicted? He tells you he loves you, adores you, makes you feel you're the greatest in the world, but then says he isn't attracted to you physically, but then you all have sex multiple times a day? 

Some of the comments made to you by him remind me of someone who is trying to control the relationship by keeping you confused or questioning yourself. I know that may not make much sense to you right now, but, one example is him admitting how he feels about his ex when he looks at her is just uncalled for. You don't make such statements to the person you claim to love and adore.

As jaquen said, you may be a "safe choice" for him. It could be he is still carrying around old hurt and pain from his previous marriage and is looking for someone to fill that void! IMO that isn't real love. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or love you in his own way, but doesn't sounds like a real healthy, meaningful, long term love either. 

I think he does believe you have a good heart and are a good person. However, it doesn't mean he can't use how good of a person you against you later on. I think right now its still early on in the relationship. I don't think old wounds he has is healed. I think he is looking for a possible caretaker/mother figure, that would be you. 


You say he would never cheat. Well he may or may not. BUT IMO he is a good position to do so. He has you, the good person who he adores, also probably the one to look the other way if he did. He will use the excuse he loves you but wasn't physically attracted to you. Well you know that now and you will likely still know it going in the marriage, even though his actions show other wise. He will continue to look at his ex or others for that matter like he wants to "devour" them as you said. I doubt that will change after you're married. 

You do what you want or feel is right. You just need to keep in mind that things are not always as they seem. And then sometimes, they are exactly how they seem.


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## jaquen

There are gay men and women who were HD and had sex with their partners a lot, especially at the top of a relationship.

Some people are quite able to have lots of sex with someone they're not physically attracted to. The well will eventually run dry, but this woman is only six months into the relationship, so it's not shocking that they're still having tons of sex, despite his feelings.


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## kl84

Jane_Doe said:


> I really feel for you, OP, and I think that you're doing a wonderful job at building up your own self worth. But it sounds a lot like you're still afraid. You seem to be afraid that if you don't nab THIS guy, gut-wrenching flaw, deep emotional connection and all, then that'll be it for you.
> 
> I've felt like that before, but instead of 'attraction' my ex was lacking in 'love'. He was kind, funny, generous, committed, but he never said he 'loved' me (not even after 6 years) and that made every argument about a zillion times worse because I would chant in my head 'he doesn't love me, he doesn't love me at all he will never _ever _love me'.
> 
> You can say on the surface that 'love' is a whole different beast than 'attraction' but to me, and the way you describe the absence of it from him ('maybe I can do without this ONE feeling forever'; that 1% of the time where you feel like dogpoop because of it), it really freaked me out how similar it sounds.
> 
> You've had guys who look at you and drool, but weren't compatible with you, and now you have a guy who you're compatible with but he doesn't drool all over you. But a BIG part of compatibility is attraction and looks. As shallow as it seems, it's practically written into (what little I know of) the psychology books. We eat with our eyes and we have sex with our eyes.
> 
> So I'm just here to tell you that whether or not you're with this guy, you WILL find someone who absolutely adores you, is compatible with you, and would run across burning hot coals just for a chance to even _touch _your amazing body, and you'll either be single when that happens or you'll already be married.


Very well written!


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## mrstj4sho88

Do you work and make good money? Do you mostly lead a simple safe life. If your answer is yes, he sees you as someone he can count on. That you would make him a good wife . But you need to think about him. Do you want a person that does not see you as very sexy woman. How is the sex life with him? Does he need the light off ? A relationship need passion to. You can't change your height . You have done great with your weight. IMHO you have issues about yourself already. This man is only going to have you with low self esteem. You need to find a man that loves all of you.


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## trey69

mrstj4sho88 said:


> How is the sex life with him? If the sex is not great, you need to know it will not get better. A relationship need passion to.


She stated their sex life is great and sometimes has sex multiple times a day. His words doesn't match his actions IMO. Unless he is one of these people who will have sex with whoever no matter what a person looks like. 

I knew a guy like that in college. He would have sex with whoever. Didn't matter if they were short, tall, fat, thin, pretty or ugly.


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## ubercoolpanda

If he's not physically attracted to you then how did you get together in the first place? Surely there's SOME attraction right? How is your sex life? 

You say that you "know" he won't cheat on you, well how do you know for sure? What if he meets a woman he is sexually attracted to? 

I don't think you should marry him, it's a good job he told you this NOW rather than after you guys were married. You should want to marry someone who finds you sexually attractive!! Otherwise you'll become less confident and have low self esteem IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mrstj4sho88

trey69 said:


> She stated their sex life is great and sometimes has sex multiple times a day. His words doesn't match his actions IMO. Unless he is one of these people who will have sex with whoever no matter what a person looks like.
> 
> I knew a guy like that in college. He would have sex with whoever. Didn't matter if they were short, tall, fat, thin, pretty or ugly.


I am asking is the light on or off during the sex..She is safe for him to make a life with. She would be a good mother to the kids. I don't think this man is good for her.


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## mrstj4sho88

This man will have you with low self esteem . You don't need this kind of man in your life. You can do better.


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## jaquen

ubercoolpanda said:


> If he's not physically attracted to you then how did you get together in the first place? Surely there's SOME attraction right? How is your sex life?


Oh it's definitely possible. When I was a teenager I had this female friend. We spent a lot of time together, and eventually I found myself falling for her.

She was very _unattractive_ to me. Like supremely so. The kind of girl who use to get regularly made fun of. I was surprised by my developing feelings, and deeply ashamed of myself that I couldn't look past her exterior.

Some people are quite capable of falling for the inside, despite the outside.


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## PBear

jaquen said:


> Oh it's definitely possible. When I was a teenager I had this female friend. We spent a lot of time together, and eventually I found myself falling for her.
> 
> She was very _unattractive_ to me. Like supremely so. The kind of girl who use to get regularly made fun of. I was surprised by my developing feelings, and deeply ashamed of myself that I couldn't look past her exterior.
> 
> Some people are quite capable of falling for the inside, despite the outside.


But is that love sustainable, especially when you look at someone else like they're steak, and you're starving? After 6 months of dating...

C


----------



## donders

StrugglingToCope said:


> I started dating this guy about 6 months ago. We had a bit of a rocky start but managed to smooth things over. I've been living with him for about 2 months now.


You moved in within 4 months. Way too soon. Not only do you not know all about a person, but you are still within the "honeymoon period" where things are artificially great. in other words they only get worse, not better, and they're already BAD.



StrugglingToCope said:


> he isn't physically attracted to me at all. He says he feels no chemistry with me. He's tried and he wants to but he cannot force himself to


You don't commit your life to a person who has no attraction or chemistry with you. Unless of course you are willing to settle for less. A LOT less. 



StrugglingToCope said:


> I also happen to have a large frame. I am naturally big boned and there is nothing I can do about that. Weight loss won't do me much good since my ribs and pelvic bone already stick out quite a bit. I have a rounder, fuller face and unfortunately I am also dealing with quite a bit of loose skin from the weight loss which needs to be surgically corrected.


You're big boned, you have a round, full face and you have quite a bit of loose skin from the weight loss which needs surgical correction. You then write:



StrugglingToCope said:


> most people think I am gorgeous,


I think they're being nice.. or a better word might be "tactful".



StrugglingToCope said:


> I have met one of his ex girlfriends and I saw the way he looked at her. She looked like the best steak in the world to a man who was dying from starvation. He just wanted to devour her and he admitted to me that he still feels that way every time he sees her, he can't help it.


That's the sort of response you need from a guy you plan to spend your life with. 



StrugglingToCope said:


> I know that he will never cheat on me or leave me if we do get married but...


Puh-lllease. If you come away from this forum with nothing else, at least be honest with yourself for once. You are no more immune to being cheated on than anyone else who was sure it could never happen to them, in fact you are at much higher risk because he's attracted to other woman and feels nothing for you.


----------



## Emerald

Firstly, you do sound like a lovely woman, inside & out.

Most people have a "type" they are sexually attracted to, but some have a "very specific type." Right or wrong it just is.

My exH is like your BF - VERY thin. I was his "type" when we married but if I gained a pound - I heard about.

Was his ex his "type?"

I do think he loves you but you are not his "specific type" & that is important to him so much that he feels the need to point it out.

If it was something he could get used to then he would not be mentioning it. It bothers him. Big time.

For example, I'm very attracted to my current husband overall, but there are some very minor things about his physical appearance that are not my "type" and/or are not very attractive to me....

however....& this is big.....I would NEVER hurt his feelings or tell him that I think his nose is a bit big.

With your history of anorexia & the fact that other men find you gorgeous, I think you need to explore if he is the best man out there for you.


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## jaquen

PBear said:


> But is that love sustainable, especially when you look at someone else like they're steak, and you're starving? After 6 months of dating...
> 
> C


I don't believe so, personally, at least not in most cases.

There are, of course, exceptions. The OP seems to hope she's the exception.


----------



## StrugglingToCope

CallaLily said:


> And how does that 1% come up? And why would it?


It just occasionally does. We are extremely blunt and honest with each other which may be part of the problem. Last night it came up because we were just fooling around and talking about how much we love/are in love with each other and suddenly these emotions just flooded me and he immediately got frustrated and disheartened. 

-------------



jaquen said:


> The heart wants what the heart wants. But the heart doesn't always want what's best.


Then wouldn't it make more sense to do what seems rational than what the heart says? I mean I suppose that's what he is doing. 





> Honestly, the way you describe your relationship, it feels less passionate love affair, and more intense friendship between two people who just love the other person a lot for who they are.
> 
> But there is a radical difference between loving somebody, even loving them intensely, and being passionately in love with them.


Yes, in many ways our relationship is exactly that. I guess what I am struggling with is this notion that it should always be a passionate love affair and how important this intense passion is in a relationship when logically speaking passionate love affairs generally don't end well in the long run since people simply get swept up in the momentum. 





> You have two questions that you need to answer, and answer honestly for yourself.
> 
> Are you truly willing, and capable, of being in a relationship and eventual marriage with a man who is not at all physically attracted to you? For all intents, and purposes, you are a man to your husband. He will always be looking at his "type" as a hungry man starving. And, like all starving people, eventually he will eat. Is that fine with you?
> 
> And the other question is about your boyfriend. How do you feel about the fact that he actually expects you to live without his physical attraction? What does that say about how he truly sees you if he thinks you should accept his lack of attraction to you?
> 
> That's the bottom line. If you can live with whatever answers you provide yourself to the above, than stay with him. If not, then don't.


He claims he is slightly physically attracted to me with my clothes on. He feels *warmly* towards me rather than raging hot fire. With my clothes off there are the skin issues which will be resolved but either way, even after my surgical correction, I will never be his type. I will never be a tall lanky blond or asian girl. I do, perhaps naively, trust that he will not cheat on me or leave me. 

From his perspective, he feels that physical attraction, at the end of the day, isn't really the most important thing in a relationship and its something he is willing to sacrifice. Logically, most marriages that do have crazy sparks generally don't stand the test of time as those sparks start to fade and he believes what we have is a much stronger emotional bond. 



> Ding! Ding! Ding! Now this is all clear. For the life of me I couldn't pin down HIS motivations for being in this relationship, considering his total lack of attraction to you.
> 
> You are the safe choice. The antithesis of his ex-wife. He was burned by a woman on the back of passion, and attraction. You are the salve for that burning. He's desperate to stay with you because you represent the easy road of, in his mind, no pain.
> 
> He doesn't find you attractive, so he doesn't see your virility as a threat. He's not worried about the mistakes of his past being repeated as he does not look at you as the kind of woman who can even compete.
> 
> He will not give up on you easily because people fight hard for safe places. He's running away from passion, and attraction, and in his running away he ran into you.
> 
> He's into you because he was desperate, and hurt, and he needs you. You are his medicine. You are perfect for his pain.


I am not completely sure how true that is. Before me there was someone he had crazy sparks flying passion with. She was exactly his type and he and I had a very rocky start at first because I told him he needed to find someone who made him feel that way again, who gave him that rush. She ended up having to leave the country. While he was getting to know me better and dating me he was also dating another girl that he had great physical chemistry with that wanted to be with him very badly but he felt she lacked the emotional connection that he seemed to need. He has dated over 60 women since his wife left him. I don't think its simply a matter of me being a safe choice. 

He also knows that other men find me attractive. He is told by countless people that he is a lucky man to be with such an attractive woman. He sees how many men contact me, former men I dated, even when we go out he teases me about how many men are checking me out. Intellectually he knows others find me to be very attractive, I am just not his particular type.


--------------



CraigW said:


> You've only been dating 6 months and living with him 2 months and already there are these issues? That is supposed to be the time when you think everything about your partner is perfect.
> 
> Your partner is supposed to make you feel good about yourself. Make you feel special in every sense. I was struck with how incredibly cruel it was to say what he said. I'm guessing he knows you have those issues and might be playing up those issues to make you feel inadequate. There are other woman more beautiful than my wife but I would NEVER point that out to her or make her feel less than any other woman when it comes to looks, intelligence or anything else. If she is insecure about something I try to tell her she is just as good and worthy as anyone else.


I think that is part of the problem, he is just blunt, tactless and totally honest about everything. Its a weird personality quirk. When he was in 5th grade his teacher made a glaring mistake. He corrected her in front of the entire class instead of addressing the issue with her privately and then when he got sent to the principles office who explained that he should have addressed it with her after class privately and allowed her to save face, he told the principle that he shouldn't hire such inept teachers. He just tells people exactly what he thinks and doesn't always realize how hurtful it might be. He didn't tell me what he did to be cruel or hurtful, it was sort of a this is how it is kind of statement and then I pressed him on the issue. 

As far as he is concerned he has this "if its not a big deal for me and I can get over it so why can't you?" attitude.



> You need to decide for yourself if this is right or wrong. You seem like an attractive, loving person. You will eventually resent what he said and two things are likely to happen:
> 1. He will cheat with "his type" and use the excuse about you not being his type. He will say he told you that in the beginning. I believe as long as people have sexual organs, they are capable of cheating. Not that they will but they are capable. His own comments about attraction starts him off ten steps closer.
> or
> 2. You will resent what he said and how he made you feel. Another guy will come along and will make you feel whole. If you are getting a lot of male attention, eventually someone else is going fire up ALL your cylinders.
> 
> Also, please try and do not let what he said make you feel any less as a person. Personally, I can't stand douche bags who go out of their way to chop someone down rather than build them up.


I really don't think he was trying to be hurtful. If anything he really does try to build me up and tell me that so much of my self worth shouldn't be wrapped up in my appearance. 

I hate all of this 

Thank you for being so sweet.

------------------



trey69 said:


> Actually I'm a little confused by your post, especially the part about him not being physically attracted to you. To me, if I wasn't physically attracted to someone, I wouldn't be having sex with them multiple times a day, chasing after them, groping and kissing them in public, etc.
> 
> Has he just TOLD you he wasn't physically attracted to you? If he told you this, his actions do not seem to match his words. Is it possible he tells you this to make you feel conflicted? He tells you he loves you, adores you, makes you feel you're the greatest in the world, but then says he isn't attracted to you physically, but then you all have sex multiple times a day?
> 
> Some of the comments made to you by him remind me of someone who is trying to control the relationship by keeping you confused or questioning yourself. I know that may not make much sense to you right now, but, one example is him admitting how he feels about his ex when he looks at her is just uncalled for. You don't make such statements to the person you claim to love and adore.


Truthfully, part of me really wishes he never would have told me. I told him this and he responded with "so you want me to lie or keep things from you?" His philosophy is that he should be able to share everything with me. He is totally tactless, even his mother says so. I don't think he is trying to be manipulative or play head games with me. He has an insatiable sex drive and also gets pleasure from satisfying me sexually. He claims he enjoys it because he loves me so much as a person rather than what I look like.

I have asked him if I was heavy again and gained all the weight back if he would have even dated me and he struggles saying that I would be the same person but it would be extremely hard for him so I am not sure if its zero physical attraction or just a slight amount of attraction but really its the I don't see you and want to rip off my clothes type of attraction. He feels *warmly* towards me. He rushes to get home every day to see me because he is happy with me. He loves spending time with me, talking to me. 

We are, for all intents and purposes, best friends. The truth is, if I don't marry him, I also know that I will lose him as a best friend because whatever woman he does end up with will never go for me being around and he will want to spend all of his time and energy on her. It sort of tears me up. 

-------------------



mrstj4sho88 said:


> Do you work and make good money? Do you mostly lead a simple safe life. If your answer is yes, he sees you as someone he can count on. That you would make him a good wife . But you need to think about him. Do you want a person that does not see you as very sexy woman. How is the sex life with him? Does he need the light off ? A relationship need passion to. You can't change your height . You have done great with your weight. IMHO you have issues about yourself already. This man is only going to have you with low self esteem. You need to find a man that loves all of you.


He has actually helped me tremendously with my career and encouraged me to take risks I never would have taken on my own including leaving the company I hated for another potentially riskier opportunity that has a ton of potential and room for growth. He is extremely well educated and has a very stable career so I am the risk taker. 

The problem is I do want someone who sees me as very sexy. I want to be desired and I know that I am not unattractive so it just destroys me emotionally. 

He doesn't need the lights off during sex, he is constantly touching me, kissing me and is incredibly affectionate all the time. 

---------------



donders said:


> You moved in within 4 months. Way too soon. Not only do you not know all about a person, but you are still within the "honeymoon period" where things are artificially great. in other words they only get worse, not better, and they're already BAD.
> 
> 
> 
> You don't commit your life to a person who has no attraction or chemistry with you. Unless of course you are willing to settle for less. A LOT less.


I guess what I want to understand is why is chemistry/passion so important? 

I know that I have my emotions wrapped up in it but I am trying to understand why logically chemistry and passion are so important when ultimately most relationships that started off with crazy passionate chemistry end up in divorce when that passion fades and you are left with the *real* person. 

I would argue that in this situation its sort of progressed beyond that point and we are dealing with longer term issues that married couples tend to deal with rather than getting swept up in the sparks.





> You're big boned, you have a round, full face and you have quite a bit of loose skin from the weight loss which needs surgical correction. You then write:
> 
> 
> 
> I think they're being nice.. or a better word might be "tactful".


I genuinely believe that I am an attractive person and most people who tell me that I am genuinely believe it as well. The skin issue isnt something that can be seen with clothes on and its more of a look better when naked type thing. I am not fat I am just very curvy. Its more of a Kim Kardashian vs. Ann Coulter type of thing. He thinks Kim Kardashian is completely unattractive and many people tell me I resemble her.

As much as I hate the idea of putting my pictures up on here because I wanted some anonymity I will leave these pics up for a few hours so you can get an idea of what I look like and make your own decision. 

Login to a private Photobucket.com album
Password: struggling123




> That's the sort of response you need from a guy you plan to spend your life with.


To be fair I commented on how he looked at her and he said that he just feels that sexual chemistry around her but at the end of the day, what he and I share is more important than crazy passion.




> Puh-lllease. If you come away from this forum with nothing else, at least be honest with yourself for once. You are no more immune to being cheated on than anyone else who was sure it could never happen to them, in fact you are at much higher risk because he's attracted to other woman and feels nothing for you.


Perhaps I am deluding myself but from everything I know about his character, his views on marriage and commitment etc. I wholeheartedly believe he wont. 
------------



Emerald said:


> Firstly, you do sound like a lovely woman, inside & out.
> 
> Most people have a "type" they are sexually attracted to, but some have a "very specific type." Right or wrong it just is.
> 
> My exH is like your BF - VERY thin. I was his "type" when we married but if I gained a pound - I heard about.
> 
> Was his ex his "type?"
> 
> I do think he loves you but you are not his "specific type" & that is important to him so much that he feels the need to point it out
> 
> If it was something he could get used to then he would not be mentioning it. It bothers him. Big time.


His ex was his type when they met. Her weight fluctuated quite a bit during their marriage but he says that he always thought she was beautiful and never once thought of cheating or leaving or anything like that. He told her how much he loved her every day multiple times a day.

He doesn't actually point it out. Its a discussion he and I once had and then from time to time the issue comes up, usually because something will remind me of it. Its not like he wakes up, kisses me and tells me how much he loves me as a person even though he doesn't find me attractive. In fact he frequently tells me I am beautiful but I feel like he does that because he knows that I am insecure about it and so I never actually feel comfortable when he says it to me. 

Most of the time we are extremely happy together and I never think about it but when I am somehow reminded of the fact that he isnt really attracted to me I just feel devastated.






> For example, I'm very attracted to my current husband overall, but there are some very minor things about his physical appearance that are not my "type" and/or are not very attractive to me....
> 
> however....& this is big.....I would NEVER hurt his feelings or tell him that I think his nose is a bit big.
> 
> With your history of anorexia & the fact that other men find you gorgeous, I think you need to explore if he is the best man out there for you.


The truth is I am not particularly physically attracted to him either, its just that physical attraction really means very little to me. I think he is the most brilliant man I have ever met. I am fascinated by his mind. I love to pick his brain and listen to him for hours. I adore watching him eat or doing things that bring him pleasure. He has helped me grow so much personally and professionally during the short time that I've known him. He is so supporting and caring. I am just crazy in love with him and I guess that is enough to make me feel the sparks for him.


----------



## Goldmember357

passion, intimacy, commitment is what you need for the "true love" if you have those 3 you will never have your love die assuming you try!

you do not have those 3. DONT MARRY

That is a terrible idea to get married someone you are not physically attracted to.


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## jaquen

StrugglingToCope honestly you sound like you've made up your mind to stick it out with this man. You're coming up with every reason in the book to explain, justify, and rectify his lack of attraction to you. I don't think this thread really will serve any purpose if it continues to be about people trying to point out flaws in your relationship, and boyfriend, and you coming back time and again to defend him.

I think if you love this man, and are willing to accept his lack of attraction, then there is really no point in discussing and debating this topic. You sound totally convinced that you'll be moving forward, despite your trepidations. 

I wish you well, truly, and honestly.

P.S. You're _incredibly_ hot. If you're not his type, I guarantee you're the the perfect type for at least 8/10 other guys. I know we fall for whom we fall for, but there would be a lot of men lamenting the loss of a woman as fine as you to a man who can not appreciate that element. Yes it's great that your current man appreciates you inner beauty, but trust me when I say that there are plenty of men who would not only love you for who you are, but would just fall all over themselves to love the gorgeous exterior too.


----------



## Jamison

jaquen said:


> StrugglingToCope honestly you sound like you've made up your mind to stick it out with this man. You're coming up with every reason in the book to explain, justify, and rectify his lack of attraction to you. I don't think this thread really will serve any purpose if it continues to be about people trying to point out flaws in your relationship, and boyfriend, and you coming back time and again to defend him.


Yep, which is what I stated on page 1 of this thread. Its pretty pointless, because regardless she will more than likely marry him no matter what is said here, which is fine its her choice.


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## CraigW

There are obviously positive aspects to this guy/relationship but I just have a hard time with his "honesty". 

The pictures you just posted on photobucket show a very attractive woman. If you posted them on any hot or not sight I would bet everything it would always come up HOT. So I'm left shaking my head. 

I've also known a couple of these people "who just speak honestly". It has nothing to do with being honest. They use that as an excuse to explain their aggressive, hurtful behavior. In my experience, these people are sick in the F------ head. They lack discretion and the filter we all have from the brain to mouth. I've known three people like that and they all have some sort of emotional problem as well. 

Just tread lightly.


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## Lyris

I think he's trying to keep you down, keep you in line. He wants you to feel insecure so you won't cheat or leave. He wants you to feel like you got the better end of the deal.

You are amazingly sexy. My husband would go nuts for you. 

I agree with CraigW. People who defend their tactless and hurtful ways by invoking honesty have emotional problems. They don't have the normal, social filters that humans should have.

Please don't marry him. Six months is nowhere near long enough to really know someone and understand their character. 

You are beautiful and sexy, you are clearly intelligent and a loving person. There is someone out there for you who will love you for who you are and find you sexy.


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## moxy

If he doesn't find you attractive now when you're not married yet, this is only going to downhill from here. Go look at gbrad's thread and you'll hear the perspective of guy who married out of practical rather than romantic reasons (as he himself stated). If that's not what you want you h to be saying about you, then don't marry him. Personally, I think you can do better and find someone who does find you attractive; if you're really and truly unable to, then make yourself more attractive to those you think might be compatible with you. I'm guessing your boyfriend is either using you or trying to make you insecure so he can dominate you; both are bad things for a marriage...


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## OrangeCrush

I don't have any advice beyond what other people have already said, but here's another vote for OMG YOU ARE GORGEOUS. seriously. wow.


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## that_girl

Before my husband, every man I was with was someone I settled for. Or they settled for me...whichever.

We hada nice time. They were nice. It was nice. Everything was nice.

Eff "nice". I want PASSION.

I got it


----------



## Jane_Doe

Wow, you are really stunning. I for one would like to pick this guy's brain about what exactly he _doesn't_ find attractive about honey-coloured skin, curls of rich dark hair tumbling down past a nice pair of breasts, slim waist... (trying not to drool myself here, ahem). I'm far _far _less attractive than you and my husband's jaw drops every time he sees me naked, or in a new outfit, or in sweatpants... lol. I do think you deserve that.

I'd also see his attitude of 'well I think _this _way, so you should agree with me or get over it, right?' as problematic. Your very valid needs are right there in front of his face and he is ignoring them or getting frustrated by them. Your need to be physically desired, your need for fire. These needs won't go away even if he has a big enough broom to sweep them under a big enough rug.

You may think 'well 10 years down the line the passion will be gone anyway, that's what happens in REAL relationships', but that's BS. If one partner has no desire for the other one and the passion is gone either after 6 months, or 10 years, or 20 years, guess what happens? They come here, hurting, and wondering what to do about it! Because it does have a knock-on effect on the rest of the marriage, from intimacy to communication, to fidelity, etc.

The fight for a marriage seems to be a lot about how to keep the passion/desire alive, and you're starting out with zero already doesn't give the rest of us much confidence. But ultimately all that really matters is what you want (what YOU want, not what he wants, not what this forum wants). So as long as you're 100% happy with the decision you make, the rest of us should be too.


----------



## Emerald

Frankly you like look a movie star.

There is something else going here that I can't quite put my finger on. He dated 60 women before you? I don't trust him. I have a daughter your age who looks like you. If her "wonderful" b/f said she wasn't his type, I would tell her to leave him.


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## Alecto

The "I'm not physically attracted to you" line doesn't sound genuine if you're having sex multiple times a day and he's groping you and things like that even in public.

It sounds like you've found a guy who is using Pick-up-artist techniques, because what you're describing sounds like negging.

It's either that, which means he's doing it deliberately to keep your self-esteem down so that you feel grateful for his attention, or he's a jerk who uses "honesty" as an excuse to say whatever hurtful thing he wants to say and get away with it. The question is, are you okay with either of those 2 options?


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## Rowan

In my experience, the only people who believe in absolute, abject, confrontational honesty of the sort your boyfriend espouses either have some sort of disorder (Aspergers or severe and untreated ADHD, for instance) or are simply @sshats....


----------

