# What a day yesterday



## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

DH moved out almost 2 weeks ago, I had consult with attorney last week. Was on a steady path of filing for divorce then yesterday. WHAM!!

We were supposed to go out of town this weekend for a concert I bought tickets to months ago, also planned to eat and a couple Iron Chef restaurants and go to Football Hall of fame. I tired to find someone else to go, bad weekend for all my girlfriends. So we came back around to him going, and even splitting costs. Up until Wednesday night he was evening planning Triple D food places we could hit along the way. Food Network is a big thing for us. His cousin comes over Wednesday night to go over watching dogs and house this weekend and I am away from my phone and don't answer a text from him for 20 minutes. So he starts calling the house phone, my cell phone, sending me messages, FB messages, etc. So by the time I talk to him I'm in a panic because I think someone has died or his dog has died (dog is almost 15 and in declining health). I was a little snippy on the phone I admit, but I was annoyed--not like I was MIA for 2 hours or 2 days or something. 

So, yesterday he says he isn't going to go this weekend--which is fine (except I'm eating about $500 that I paid for tickets and hotel) says he feels in his gut that we are not going to work things out and are going to get divorced and its all his fault and he hurt me so much and doesn't want to hurt me anymore, blah, blah, blah and because I was so snippy with him on the phone when he was genuinely concerned about me. Offers to pay me half back on the tickets---I don't expect I will ever see the money mind you. So I tell him his gut and my gut are saying the same thing, too much hurt for too long, etc. So then he says "OK file the paperwork and I'll sign. I won't fight you on anything at all, I've caused enough fights and I will pay half the divorce". So I put in the call to the attorney to get things rolling. 

And yep--I'm sure there is someone else involved at this point--he changed the password on his cell phone account on Wednesday night. He said it was in response to me being so snippy with him on the phone, and him suddenly backing out is either because someone did not like the idea of him going out of town with me or its money related. The best part is he is even suddenly going to help fix up the house to sell, something he hasn't been able to do in 2 years of living there. Something is rotten in Denmark---but I don't care!!


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Ok, you said you don't care...Now you have to start acting like it.

Time to 180, and stop playing his games.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

You sound very confused. He moves out, you consult with an attorney, you're in the process of filing for divorce, and then you ask him to go to a concert with you.

Maybe you need to slow things down until you figure out what you really want.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I only asked him to go because it was a trip that we had planned months ago and I was not able to find someone else to go. I was trying to be nice, and hoped we could talk through divorce stuff when we drove back. I didn't plan as it anymore than going as friends.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

free2beme14 said:


> I only asked him to go because it was a trip that we had planned months ago and I was not able to find someone else to go. I was trying to be nice, and hoped we could talk through divorce stuff when we drove back. I didn't plan as it anymore than going as friends.


You can't be friends with someone you are divorcing.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

free2beme14 said:


> I only asked him to go because it was a trip that we had planned months ago and I was not able to find someone else to go. I was trying to be nice, and hoped we could talk through divorce stuff when we drove back. I didn't plan as it anymore than going as friends.


It's a nice theory but in reality it never works. If it wouldn't have been this something else would have come up and he wouldn't go on trip.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

free2beme14 said:


> I only asked him to go because it was a trip that we had planned months ago and I was not able to find someone else to go. I was trying to be nice, and hoped we could talk through divorce stuff when we drove back. I didn't plan as it anymore than going as friends.


You're not being realistic.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

warshaw said:


> free2beme14 said:
> 
> 
> > I only asked him to go because it was a trip that we had planned months ago and I was not able to find someone else to go. I was trying to be nice, and hoped we could talk through divorce stuff when we drove back. I didn't plan as it anymore than going as friends.
> ...


Can you elaborate please? I don't want to turn into a raging, crazy mad witch about it. It's been coming for a long time, we just finally said enough.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It fine and dandy if you don't feel the need to actively hate your STBX. Hey, what ever works.
But don't think for one minute that he's a friend.
Friends don't lie and manipulate you. Or at least not the friends I want to have in my life.

If you want to recover from the failed relationship many here are suggesting a greater degree of detachment with STBX. Be cordial, but not friendly. This reads as though you are hoping the door to R is still cracked and you would be amenable to him making moves. Are you? If you are, I think he's already said no. If not, then shut the door and quit making plans for trips.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

free2beme14 said:


> Can you elaborate please? I don't want to turn into a raging, crazy mad witch about it. It's been coming for a long time, we just finally said enough.


I think it's unrealistic that you're surprised he has no intention of following through with the travel plans since you both aren't following through on the marriage plans. Just a thought.

But yeah.... When you go from friends, etc, to married; the relationship between two people irreversibly changes. When the marriage ends, the two people are clearly not the same people form the beginning of the marriage. If they were the same as they were at the start of the marriage, there would be no need or desire to end in the marriage. Those people have changed. So they won't return to the people they were. There's been growth, positive and negative, as well as new experiences. So now we're left with two people who have embarked on a journey and at the end are no longer who they once were.

It's not a fair assumption that they'd land as friends. Even if all was amicable. Those two people most likely no longer share the same views, or beliefs that once made them friends to begin with.


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## free2beme14 (May 2, 2014)

I get it now, he came to the house yesterday to help clean up trash and de-clutter before the realtor comes on Tuesday. It hurt seeing him, but I also realized this is how things usually go two weeks after we have split he's nice and helpful and I think things can be different. But they never are, so I took the retainer to the attorney on Friday and am moving forward.


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## Learning2Fly (Oct 11, 2015)

Good for you for seeing the light and proceeding. Sounds like you are listening to your gut


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