# Possible for a woman to learn to touch herself later in life?



## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

I've mentioned before that W won't touch herself in front of me, but that's not really a fantasy of mine anymore, and so that's not why I'm asking.

My concern is that she thinks her V is dirty, and maybe getting over that might help her in some way in bed.

When she masturbates she grinds up against a hard or semi-hard surface, and gets herself off rather easily. (On rare occasions -- e.g. in the shower, where it's more difficult to penetrate and have sex -- she's been able to O just from rubbing the tip of my erection against herself when I slipped it between her legs from behind, and it only takes a minute or two.)

I'm sure she could do it with her hands if she tried (no I don't want to watch), and it would be kinda nice to know how to finger her better. It's hard for me to figure it out, since she doesn't really know either, and can't show me.

More importantly, however, I'm hoping she can get over seeing her V as something dirty that she shouldn't touch. That can't be healthy, can it? Surely there are repercussions of that in our sex life, which is not great.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

No.

My wife used a vibrator for the first time, giving herself an orgasm for the first time, last week and she is 35.

No, its never too late.

You have to talk to her about it, buy her some discrete toys, push her boundries a bit and she will slowly come around one day.

Now my wifee loves this small vib, silver bullet or something similar.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Your wife has a psychological problem. I don't mean to try and label her, but for you to know that there is something from your wife's past that has caused her to view her vagina as dirty. Here are some guesses...being rape, being sexually abused, saw some images in sex-ed class in high school, accidentally walked in on her mom/grandmother and saw their vagina, had an embarrassing moment somewhere in life that exposed her vagina, someone made fun of her private area, maybe she comes from a conservative family where her mother told her that vaginas are bad, etc. etc. etc.

I give you this list to go over it with your wife to try and pin point something, somewhere for why your wife feels the way she does about her vagina. I do not agree or buy the fact that she just suddenly out of the blue just hates her vagina. Life does not work that way. There is a reason for EVERYTHING! Many times, we don't always know the reason until we start delving in our past. I have done this with my wife many times to try and figure out why she has had some insecurities. I tell my wife to "analyze herself" and figure out why she feels or acts the way she does with regards to whatever it is that makes her feel insecure. There is a reason for everything.

Once you find what it is, than you move onto the next phase...overcoming those insecurities. I will not jump the gun with that regards, but I want you to try to go over this with you wife. I know this might sound like beating a dead issue or a much talked about issue; which probably will bring about great difficulty to discuss further this topic; because your wife hates the very topic itself...its like pulling teeth with her. Find a nice quiet time, where there is no stress in the day and bring up the topic. Bring it up casually or maybe wait until she says a bad comment about her vagina.

And if your wife does not want to discuss or analyze herself or figure herself out, than respect her wishes. Love does not force itself upon another. We all have our own devices and issues in life. No one is perfect. We often tend to look at the failings, shortcomings, insecurities, issues, deformities of others and think that we are better than them or that we are not as bad.

Love is patient. Another remedy is loving on your wife and accepting her for who she is (insecurities and all). That is love friend.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

HopelessGuy said:


> I've mentioned before that W won't touch herself in front of me, but that's not really a fantasy of mine anymore, and so that's not why I'm asking.
> 
> My concern is that she thinks her V is dirty, and maybe getting over that might help her in some way in bed.
> 
> ...



I don't masturbate or touch myself for sexual gratification but i don't see it as dirty. I just prefer it from my husband. We don't have any problem with sex whatsoever. Well except my HD due to pregnancy seem to be insatiable


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> No.
> My wife used a vibrator for the first time, giving herself an orgasm for the first time, last week and she is 35.
> 
> No, its never too late.


Holy cow, dude! That's great. You guys should celebrate that date every year like a 2nd anniversary or something.

I imagine that has to be something akin to when a person born deaf is treated and hears for the first time.



CuddleBug said:


> You have to talk to her about it, buy her some discrete toys, push her boundries a bit and she will slowly come around one day.


She has a toy, but doesn't use it much, and doesn't want me to use it on her.

I was thinking that doing digitally as opposed to "mechanically" (not as opposed to "analog"), might help her get over some of her body issues. 



CuddleBug said:


> Now my wifee loves this small vib, silver bullet or something similar.


Happy belated O-day, homie.

:toast:


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> maybe she comes from a conservative family where her mother told her that vaginas are bad, etc. etc. etc.


This is my guess. She probably got caught touching herself as young kids do, and was severely guilted/shamed by her mom or live-in gm. She comes from a conservative family.



forevermemorable said:


> I give you this list to go over it with your wife to try and pin point something, somewhere for why your wife feels the way she does about her vagina. I do not agree or buy the fact that she just suddenly out of the blue just hates her vagina. Life does not work that way. There is a reason for EVERYTHING! Many times, we don't always know the reason until we start delving in our past. I have done this with my wife many times to try and figure out why she has had some insecurities. I tell my wife to "analyze herself" and figure out why she feels or acts the way she does with regards to whatever it is that makes her feel insecure. There is a reason for everything.
> 
> Once you find what it is, than you move onto the next phase...overcoming those insecurities. I will not jump the gun with that regards, but I want you to try to go over this with you wife. I know this might sound like beating a dead issue or a much talked about issue; which probably will bring about great difficulty to discuss further this topic; because your wife hates the very topic itself...its like pulling teeth with her. Find a nice quiet time, where there is no stress in the day and bring up the topic. Bring it up casually or maybe wait until she says a bad comment about her vagina.


The truth is, I haven't talked to her about why she is like that, now that I think about it.

I just tell her how cute her "coochie" is, how I like how it tastes/smells/feels/etc, how arousing looking at it and touching it and feeling her arousal is for me, in the hopes that she would like it too.

I told her yesterday that it would be nice if she learned to touch herself so she could show me how, and she didn't seem to open to the idea. She said she can't because her nails are long. I said if that were true few women would have long nails (but in a joking way) and left it alone.

I guess it's time we have a talk. I'm sure it will make her uncomfortable, but not too badly, and you're right: something must have happened.



forevermemorable said:


> And if your wife does not want to discuss or analyze herself or figure herself out, than respect her wishes. Love does not force itself upon another. We all have our own devices and issues in life. No one is perfect. We often tend to look at the failings, shortcomings, insecurities, issues, deformities of others and think that we are better than them or that we are not as bad.


We're pretty communicative after ten years, so it won't be that bad for her.

Talking won't be a problem, but she might not be honest.



forevermemorable said:


> Love is patient. Another remedy is loving on your wife and accepting her for who she is (insecurities and all). That is love friend.


This is not a deal-breaker for me or anything. Not even close. I want it for her.

I want her to be happy with her body and comfortable with herself, and any collateral benefit I get from that is just icing on the cake.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Were you virgins when you married? You both sound extremely inexperienced, but that's not necessarily a bad thing...you can learn together.

If she feels dirty, tells her to soak in a hot tub before sex. When you play with her using your hand, start with light to medium pressure around the hood of her clitoris and pay attention to her body language. Her movements and moans, wetness, etc. will let you know what she likes...at the same time you should be asking her " do you like that baby?"....use her wetness to keep everything up at her clit wet.

While you are touching her with your hand (after she gets wet), use your other hand to encourage one of her hands down to meet yours...then, using your hand, encourage her hand to touch herself while you are also touching her. That is the best way to get her to touch herself, and hopefully her other hand is wrapped around your junk.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> I don't masturbate or touch myself for sexual gratification but i don't see it as dirty. I just prefer it from my husband. We don't have any problem with sex whatsoever. * Well except my HD due to pregnancy seem to be insatiable *


Congrats on the preggers.

Too bad you don't enjoy rubbing one out now, huh? 

The problem we have is that my wife does think she's dirty.


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

Good for you HopelessGuy! Its great that you are taking the time to try and understand and figure out your wife's insecurities. It shows that you love her and want the best for her.

To throw out a question...has your wife ever shaved her pubic hairs? Maybe try a Brazilian wax for her. I for one do not like a lot of fur and my wife goes along and doesn't mind Brazilian waxes (other than slight pain for just a moment).

Keep encouraging your wife and giving praise to her vagina and all her parts. Keep loving on her is the key!


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

HopelessGuy said:


> Congrats on the preggers.
> 
> Too bad you don't enjoy rubbing one out now, huh?
> 
> The problem we have is that my wife does think she's dirty.


If she thinks it's dirty, use that....when you do what I describe above, talk dirty to her....say to her "you're a dirty gurl!" ...call her a bad girl, naughty, etc. Go with it and try to make it light hearted, sexy and fun while you are in the moment.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

tulsy said:


> Were you virgins when you married? You both sound extremely inexperienced, but that's not necessarily a bad thing...you can learn together.


She was, and I was already pretty experienced after college (to put it modestly).



tulsy said:


> If she feels dirty, tells her to soak in a hot tub before sex. When you play with her using your hand, start with light to medium pressure around the hood of her clitoris and pay attention to her body language. Her movements and moans, wetness, etc. will let you know what she likes...at the same time you should be asking her " do you like that baby?"....use her wetness to keep everything up at her clit wet.
> 
> While you are touching her with your hand (after she gets wet), use your other hand to encourage one of her hands down to meet yours...then, using your hand, encourage her hand to touch herself while you are also touching her. That is the best way to get her to touch herself, and hopefully her other hand is wrapped around your junk.


It's not that I can't do it, it's that I can't do it well.

Mostly I'd like her to be comfortable with herself.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

forevermemorable said:


> Good for you HopelessGuy! Its great that you are taking the time to try and understand and figure out your wife's insecurities. It shows that you love her and want the best for her.
> 
> To throw out a question...has your wife ever shaved her pubic hairs? Maybe try a Brazilian wax for her. I for one do not like a lot of fur and my wife goes along and doesn't mind Brazilian waxes (other than slight pain for just a moment).
> 
> Keep encouraging your wife and giving praise to her vagina and all her parts. Keep loving on her is the key!


She shaves the front, but she thinks shaving the bottom gives her yeast infections, so she doesn't do that anymore.

Continuing to praise her is not gonna be a problem. She really does have cute parts.



tulsy said:


> If she thinks it's dirty, use that....when you do what I describe above, talk dirty to her....say to her "you're a dirty gurl!" ...call her a bad girl, naughty, etc. Go with it and try to make it light hearted, sexy and fun while you are in the moment.


Hmmmm, this sounds interesting. I could do this. I don't think she'd mind since we already occasionally call each other "sl*t" as a term of endearment.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Something that always makes me feel really cherished and special is when big guy decides to shave me down there. He gives me a scented bath with candles and all. It would be all about her and end with you helping her masterbate. ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

Maybe something like this could help?

HappyPlayTime, An App That Encourages Female Masturbation With a Cute Cartoon Vagina


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Ahhh...wait a minute yeast infections? How often does she get them? Does she get them very often? Are you sure she isn't upset that she is getting them? Some women who get them often get a feeling of being unclean because of them. Are you using lubes or oils during sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

My wife won't even consider touching herself like you mention. She is very cold and reserved sexually. I have tried to get her to communicate about her insecurities, but she tells me that the rest of the world is messed up and things should be as she feels they should. She is dead serious when she speaks like this. She believes her way of viewing things sexually is the only way it should ever be done.

So, I wish you luck on helping your wife become accustomed to her body and like herself for who she is. I am happy to hear when others make that break through. I have just given up on breakthroughs like that in my life. My wife is my best friend, but that is about it any more. The romantic sparks have been mostly extinguished.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hang on - has she TOLD you she thinks her body is dirty or are you just inferring this?

Sounds like she can get off just fine without using her fingers. Rubbing against something IS how she masturbates. So that's okay, isn't it?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Oh sorry - I didn't realize this is the same wife from the other thread. This thread makes more sense now. 

I have been married 18 years and have yet to have O with my husband or any other person. So yes, I do find it unfair she can be so uptight and get off so easily. I'm just jealous, that's all.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

In a similar boat as you OP. My wife has never used a vibrator and if I am to believe her she's never even masturbated in her life. It's not like she thinks sex is dirty however she is very shy and has hangups about her vagina (she likes intercourse but doesn't want oral sex). She finds it embarrasing.

I have been working on upping the frequency of our "regular" sex and it has been working well so far. I feel like if we have sex more and she gets more comfortable trying some different positions (she really only likes doggy and I think that's because she feels the least self-conscious in that position) - then I might be able to start working in some masturbation or maybe even using a vibrator on her during foreplay, etc.

By the way wanting to watch your wife touch herself is perfectly normal in fact I'd love that with my wife too... I just think when the woman is shy, self-conscious, thinks it's "dirty", etc., you have to take the long view. They are not going to change overnight.

Every now and then I'll read about women who were very shy and sexually reserved, who suddenly embrace their bodies and become sex freaks in their 30s and 40s. I am hoping my wife has one of those miracle transformations, but I know if I push too hard it could backfire.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Your thread title popped this song in my head:
Divinyls - I Touch Myself - YouTube

And now it's stuck there! 
Bah!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Your thread title popped this song in my head:
> Divinyls - I Touch Myself - YouTube
> 
> And now it's stuck there!
> Bah!


Great song RIP Chrissy

OP you used the word cute twice when referring to your wife's V, cute is an unsophisticated word in this context. My SO makes me so comfortable, the language he uses is much more sexy and adult. Maybe make some subtle changes in your language eg the big guy loves my V and makes it very clear with words, the look on his face and the sounds he makes. All this just makes me want to share all of myself even more. Caveat - I'm very HD to start with but even so my partners reactions send me even more into HD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> Oh sorry - I didn't realize this is the same wife from the other thread. This thread makes more sense now.
> 
> I have been married 18 years and have yet to have O with my husband or any other person. So yes, I do find it unfair she can be so uptight and get off so easily. I'm just jealous, that's all.


I'm so sorry to hear that. I'd offer advice if I had any, but I'm new here and I'm not qualified to. I guess you're trying now, so I'm sure you'll get there.

Practice makes perfect. 



4thand11 said:


> In a similar boat as you OP. My wife has never used a vibrator and if I am to believe her she's never even masturbated in her life.


I was thinking about this today, and it seems obvious that masturbation is something that is un-learned. Everyone does it until some well-meaning adult tells you to get your hand out of your pants, and I guess sometimes they drive the point home a little to hard. For guys, cultural norms make it OK later. For gals, cultural norms can further drive the point home.

At least that's how I interpret a complex topic in few words.



4thand11 said:


> By the way wanting to watch your wife touch herself is perfectly normal in fact I'd love that with my wife too... I just think when the woman is shy, self-conscious, thinks it's "dirty", etc., you have to take the long view. They are not going to change overnight.


I'd enjoy watching -- I used to ask years ago, but I've long since stopped -- but I said that "no I don't want to watch" because I wanted to be clear that I want this for her, not for me.



4thand11 said:


> Every now and then I'll read about women who were very shy and sexually reserved, who suddenly embrace their bodies and become sex freaks in their 30s and 40s. I am hoping my wife has one of those miracle transformations, but I know if I push too hard it could backfire.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hope springs eternal for both of us.

BTW, I like your screen name. Much better than mine, yet conveys the same idea.



Mavash. said:


> It's never too late.
> I was HD but inhibited and inexperienced (married young).


I definitely get the impression that my W might be the same way.



RandomDude said:


> Your thread title popped this song in my head:
> Divinyls - I Touch Myself - YouTube


_She forgot herself, and I want to remind her...._



Holland said:


> Great song RIP Chrissy
> OP you used the word cute twice when referring to your wife's V, cute is an unsophisticated word in this context.


I wasn't choosing my words carefully. I don't normally call it "cute", and can't remember if I ever have, tbh. I normally say things like "sexy", "hot", etc... much more adult.

I'm not used to talking about my W's personal stuff with others, so I guess I softballed it.

Let me be clear: My W's p**** makes my d*** rock hard, and I don't mind telling her so.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> Maybe something like this could help?
> 
> HappyPlayTime, An App That Encourages Female Masturbation With a Cute Cartoon Vagina


That looks fun. I looked into it. I'm pretty competitive, so I was getting ready to beat your high score already. Alas, there is no Android version.



mineforever said:


> Ahhh...wait a minute yeast infections? How often does she get them? Does she get them very often? Are you sure she isn't upset that she is getting them? Some women who get them often get a feeling of being unclean because of them.


Not often. It appears that she is correct. When she stopped shaving underneath they went away. I asked her at dinner to verify.



mineforever said:


> Are you using lubes or oils during sex?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not recently. There is no real need. That said we have in the past, and we've found that a few burn her, but not all of them.



MissScarlett said:


> Hang on - has she TOLD you she thinks her body is dirty or are you just inferring this?


Has she grabbed me by the shoulders and said "my genitalia is disgusting to me"? Not exactly, but it's pretty clear. 

She doesn't like the smell, and comments that she can smell it and it's gross often after sex, even though it's not at all unpleasant to me, even when it's before the shower. She asks me how I can put up with it even ten years later, and remarks that should could never be gay. She doesn't like to touch her "juices". She doesn't want me to go down hardly ever, and if I do I have to wipe off my mouth, and even then if I kiss her she'll usually say "yuck, I taste it." She comments on how disgusted she is by seeing other Vs in pictures, even when they are erotic (as opposed to clinical) images.

She has nothing against her breasts, other than that she thinks they are too small, and I reassure her that I like them.



mineforever said:


> Sounds like she can get off just fine without using her fingers. Rubbing against something IS how she masturbates. So that's okay, isn't it?


I dunno, is it? In the context of the above, and in the context of our sex-life, I firmly believe she has "gross-genitalia" hangups. If I'm right, then is that OK? If I'm right, then couldn't she stand to benefit from getting over it?


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

It could be just a preference thing too.....I have no problem masterbating by myself or with my husband watching, but like your wife...I don't like to be kissed after my husband goes down on me and I don't like the taste my juices. 

I have no problems giving him a bj or swallowing ....matter fact from my posts you can probably tell I quite enjoy it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Honestly I think you need to inquire more about how she feels about the yeast infection. The fact that her skin burns from some lubes and that she has changed her shaving habits to try and prevent infections......my guess is it does bother her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I think CuddleBug's experiences with his wife having an orgasm for the first time through masturbation at age 35 pretty much answers the question.

My wife, who is nearly 50, didn't start masturbating until just a few years ago. She has had orgasms from my giving her oral, using my fingers, or occasionally from PIV sex, but never by herself. She had many hang-ups resulting from a strict Catholic upbringing, abuse by a relative, and some other baggage that she was able to overcome through counseling and therapy.

She exeperienced a hormonal surge, and started masturbating with the tub faucet a couple of years ago. She gets a fast, intense, and reliable O from this. She also started to use a vibrator occasionally by herself, and frequently when we are together. However, despite her newly found comfort with masturbating and her overall sexuality, she still will not let me watch her (either in the tub, or with her toys), even though she will happily let me use toys on her.

She will not use her own fingers or hands to masturbate, either. At least that is what she tells me. I still think she is uncomfortable with the idea of being watched while she masturbates, and with the idea of "touching herself". I'm just happy she masturbates at all, it seems to rev her up sexually. Many times, she will give herself several orgasms with the tub faucet, dry off, and then have me give her oral or 69, which I love, and it just keeps her orgasms rolling.

If your SO can orgasm (sounds like she can), then her issues are likely just mental, and through either counseling, and/or your patience and understanding, she should be able to warm up to the idea of masturbation. Perhaps she is like my wife, and prefers to do it alone, and with the assistance of objects (vibe or water) rather than with her hand or fingers.


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## HopelessGuy (Jun 19, 2013)

mineforever said:


> It could be just a preference thing too.....I have no problem masterbating by myself or with my husband watching, but like your wife...I don't like to be kissed after my husband goes down on me and I don't like the taste my juices.


I totally get that.



mineforever said:


> I have no problems giving him a bj or swallowing ....matter fact from my posts you can probably tell I quite enjoy it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol, lucky guy.



mineforever said:


> Honestly I think you need to inquire more about how she feels about the yeast infection. The fact that her skin burns from some lubes and that she has changed her shaving habits to try and prevent infections......my guess is it does bother her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She hasn't had one since 2012. It seems she is correct about the shaving. Apparently yer gyn told her not to do it.



keeper63 said:


> I think CuddleBug's experiences with his wife having an orgasm for the first time through masturbation at age 35 pretty much answers the question.
> 
> My wife, who is nearly 50, didn't start masturbating until just a few years ago. She has had orgasms from my giving her oral, using my fingers, or occasionally from PIV sex, but never by herself. She had many hang-ups resulting from a strict Catholic upbringing, abuse by a relative, and some other baggage that she was able to overcome through counseling and therapy.
> 
> ...


Sounds like she might be a bit like your wife.

Congrats on the progress on that front, by the way. Sounds like a win-win situation in your case.

When I get a chance I need to ask mine why she thinks her lady parts are gross. I don't think I've ever asked her. I just know she does.


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