# Problems with boundary crossing female



## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

I do not know what to do or if I am overreacting, but I have had problems with my sister in law and her sister. Her sister was coming over to my house when my husband is home and I am not. She is also texting him often ans at inappropriate times. She is currently separated from her husband for going outside of their marriage. I have expressed my concerns to both her and my husband about boundaries but now I am the bad guy. Both my sister in law and her sister are constantly trying to cause problems and ultimately I just feel frustrated my husband will not stand up for me. Please tell me if I am overreacting or what I could possibly do to avoid a fight but feel better about this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No you are not over reacting. Your husband should respect your concerns and end all contact with this woman. If he does not, you are right to be concerned.

Do not talk to this women about it anymore. Your problem is with your husband. 

Have you seen the texts that are being sent between them? IF not check his cell.

You might want to get some VARs (voice activated recorders) and put them in your house in places that they might hang out when you are not there.

Also check your husband's cell bill to see how many texts and phone calls are going between the two of them.

Don't say anything more to your husband until you have done this and know the real extent to what is going on.


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

Wow, you mean business. The problem is that she lives with her sister and my husbands brother who happen to live a block away from us. I can't tell him not to go over there because it's his brother's house. We have only been married for two months and we have a 7 month old together plus his 16 month old son I have taken care of since he was two days old. We have never had trust problems and I have never seen any red flags. I think having an emotional relationship is just as bad. I have tried to check our phone bill but it doesn't show text messages. I have also checked his phone and there aren't any but that doesn't mean they weren't erased. These two women are down right disrespectful to me right infront of my H and he doesn't even say anything. Normally I would say later and have a nice life but I know it is tmie to grow up unfortunately my H doesn't. When I tried to talk to him about this he says things like "is this how our night is going to be?" How long are we going to spend talking about this? then he gets mad, yells, then when I cry he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to hurt and he only wants me. I cannot take the emotional roller coaster.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

his reaction to your concerns is very telling

I'd be worried myself

what kind of phone does he have, sometimes you can do text extraction of deleted texts


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

be frank & honest with him.
His brother can deal with her misery if the brother wants to. Not your hubby.
j


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First Time Wife said:


> Wow, you mean business.


Yep I do mean business. Either you take this seriously and you handle it like something serious or you have to let it go and let this woman and your husband continue to disrespect you.
How old are you and your husband?



First Time Wife said:


> The problem is that she lives with her sister and my husband’s brother who happen to live a block away from us. I can't tell him not to go over there because it's his brother's house.


Right now you cannot tell your husband to not go to his brother’s house because this woman is living there. But if you find out something is going on then you sure can tell that either he ends all contact with her or he move out. If that means not going to his brother’s house so bit it. At that point your husband will have to decide if he is going to make your and your marriage his priority or if he is going to chase other women.

You need to set your boundaries and stand by them.



First Time Wife said:


> We have only been married for two months and we have a 7 month old together plus his 16 month old son I have taken care of since he was two days old. We have never had trust problems and I have never seen any red flags. I think having an emotional relationship is just as bad. I have tried to check our phone bill but it doesn't show text messages. I have also checked his phone and there aren't any but that doesn't mean they weren't erased. These two women are down right disrespectful to me right infront of my H and he doesn't even say anything. Normally I would say later and have a nice life but I know it is tmie to grow up unfortunately my H doesn't. When I tried to talk to him about this he says things like "is this how our night is going to be?" How long are we going to spend talking about this? then he gets mad, yells, then when I cry he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to hurt and he only wants me. I cannot take the emotional roller coaster.


Well growing up does not mean that you have to put up with being disrespected by anyone… least of all your husband.
The fact that your husband is down playing what he is doing is why I am suggesting that you not talk to him about this for a bit and you just gather evidence. You might find out that there is nothing going on. Or you might find something that you can use to help you put your foot down.

Does your husband work to support you and the baby?


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

We are both 26 I just graduated college and I work two jobs. He is going to school, which I end up doing most of the work for. He works in construction on piece pay so he is home at noon if he works. So I have no idea if he is going over there durring the day. I am the bread winner and he has made comments about him not being good enough for me. I have explained to him over and over again that he is good enough for me. Things have definately changed since we had this talk, now he does not really show me affection, he won't cuddle with me.


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> his reaction to your concerns is very telling
> 
> I'd be worried myself
> 
> what kind of phone does he have, sometimes you can do text extraction of deleted texts


He has an android with cricket


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm not an expert on Android but I do know some phones you can extract the texts

google the phone model name with "retrieve deleted texts"


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

First Time Wife said:


> I do not know what to do or if I am overreacting, but I have had problems with my sister in law and her sister. Her sister was coming over to my house when my husband is home and I am not. She is also texting him often ans at inappropriate times. She is currently separated from her husband for going outside of their marriage. I have expressed my concerns to both her and my husband about boundaries but now I am the bad guy. Both my sister in law and her sister are constantly trying to cause problems and ultimately I just feel frustrated my husband will not stand up for me. Please tell me if I am overreacting or what I could possibly do to avoid a fight but feel better about this.


Your SIL sister has no reason to be coming to your house when you husband is home alone.

Why is he letting her in and stay. 

Why is she texting him at all?

I do not see why this would be appropriate without further information.

You guys should do His Needs Her Needs and the boundary setting if you have not as yet.

That said, you need to tell your husband this is not acceptable to you and he needs to cut out all contact with her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First Time Wife said:


> We are both 26 I just graduated college and I work two jobs. He is going to school, which I end up doing most of the work for. He works in construction on piece pay so he is home at noon if he works. So I have no idea if he is going over there durring the day. I am the bread winner and he has made comments about him not being good enough for me. I have explained to him over and over again that he is good enough for me. Things have definately changed since we had this talk, now he does not really show me affection, he won't cuddle with me.


All of his behavior is pointing to a problem. You need to find out what is really going on. He will not tell you if something wrong is going on. This is all typical cheating spouse behavior.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

First Time Wife said:


> Wow, you mean business. The problem is that she lives with her sister and my husbands brother who happen to live a block away from us. I can't tell him not to go over there because it's his brother's house. We have only been married for two months and we have a 7 month old together plus his 16 month old son I have taken care of since he was two days old. We have never had trust problems and I have never seen any red flags. I think having an emotional relationship is just as bad. I have tried to check our phone bill but it doesn't show text messages. I have also checked his phone and there aren't any but that doesn't mean they weren't erased. These two women are down right disrespectful to me right infront of my H and he doesn't even say anything. Normally I would say later and have a nice life but I know it is tmie to grow up unfortunately my H doesn't. When I tried to talk to him about this he says things like "is this how our night is going to be?" How long are we going to spend talking about this? then he gets mad, yells, then when I cry he apologizes and says he doesn't want me to hurt and he only wants me. I cannot take the emotional roller coaster.


He should have no contact with her outside of when he visits your brother and he is home. He should never be alone with her and they have no need to text each other.

He has a 16 month old from another rleationship and a seven month old with you. Wow. There is a story there for sure.


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

Yes his ex is not in the picture and his son calls me mom so yes there is a story and he has acknowleged this is unacceptable which I honestly do not think he is promoting conversation with her anymore but we fought all last week over this and he will not tell me what is wrong or what we need to fix. He claims he is bad with communication and hates conflict. I have my degree in psychology so this is difficult for me to process. I have been cheated on numerous times in the past and he does not understand those are wounds that may heal but a red flag is still alarming to me. I wrote him a letter containing three lists: what I love about him, what I think I could change about myself to help the relationship and what I would like to see change in our relationship. He has read it but will not talk about it. It is so frustrating to be with someone who refuses to talk.


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

I think this girl and her sister think this is a game or something because when we went over there last night to give them some carpet and paint they both came outside and just glared at me and then started wispering. I mean come on how old are we? I said hello but realistically I wanted to tell them what I really thought of their behavior. Being the bigger person is no fun at all. Not to metion my H does not acknowledge their rudness. He says to ignore them.


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Your SIL sister has no reason to be coming to your house when you husband is home alone.
> 
> Why is he letting her in and stay.
> 
> ...


He thinks he is just being nice and I don't know if he is just blind and doesn't see this as inappropriate but her response is that they have alot in common and have fun together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ignoring them is the right thing to do. He's right about that. 

So how does your husband's brother like having his SIL there? Maybe she is turing her sister to chase your husband so she will leave her husband, your BIL, alone.


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ignoring them is the right thing to do. He's right about that.
> 
> So how does your husband's brother like having his SIL there? Maybe she is turing her sister to chase your husband so she will leave her husband, your BIL, alone.


It's my H's brother's SIL who is chasing my H. I do not know I don't think he really cares she is there. To be honest with you my H's side of the family is completely different than my family so I have a difficult time relating to this type of behavior. while I am not extremely close with my family they would never disrespect my H. My sister slept with my ex when we were together so I have no problem cutting someone close out of my life especially now that I have kids.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No you are not over reacting. Your husband should respect your concerns and end all contact with this woman. If he does not, you are right to be concerned.
> 
> Do not talk to this women about it anymore. Your problem is with your husband.
> 
> ...


Just be careful because certain "covert" acts are illegal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jeff74 said:


> Just be careful because certain "covert" acts are illegal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Here is a good article on the legality of recording conversations...

Audio Recording Laws

The OP or anyone else who makes such a recording should not play it for anyone else nor tell anyone of its existence. It’s purely for her consumption so that she would know what is going on.
It’s in her own house. Its legal for a person to have a VAR in their own house. If the VAR happens to be left on and it captures a conversation that is never used for anything then I think that the owner of the VAR is fine.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

First Time Wife said:


> He thinks he is just being nice and I don't know if he is just blind and doesn't see this as inappropriate but her response is that they have alot in common and have fun together.


He is not being nice to you. It is unfortunate he does not see it as inappropriate, however while that would be ideal, it is not really a requiremt here. He needs to respect you and dump her. Tell him it crosses your boundaries and is unaccpetable.

He needs to be spenidng that extra energy and time getting a better work situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First Time Wife said:


> *It's my H's brother's SIL who is chasing my H.* I do not know I don't think he really cares she is there. To be honest with you my H's side of the family is completely different than my family so I have a difficult time relating to this type of behavior. while I am not extremely close with my family they would never disrespect my H. My sister slept with my ex when we were together so I have no problem cutting someone close out of my life especially now that I have kids.


You have completely missed my point. 

SoSIL = (sister of sister-in-law)

Why is the SoSIL not chasing your BIL? Because your SIL has directed her towards you husband. 

SIL is not stupid enough to have her **** sister who has no boundaries around her husband without directing SoSIL's attention to another man who is always around... your husband.

Your husband knows that your ex slept wiht your sister and he does not understand where you are coming from?


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## First Time Wife (Mar 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have completely missed my point.
> 
> SoSIL = (sister of sister-in-law)
> 
> ...


You are right that one flew right by me. my SIL and SoSIL are really close and back eachother up on everything so if you start something with one of them you inevitably start it with the other one. My BIL is apparently not in her sights but I can tell you that if her husband had been hanging out with me alone she would not appreciate it. I am confused as to why there seems to be a double standard. I did talk with my husband because I took some of the advice given on here about the book His Needs Her Needs and I want us to work and be happy, to fall back in love again. It is very difficult being married to someone who has no fuse, goes from 0 to 60 in less than 30 seconds, and hates talking. Those are not the best combination. I feel like we speak a different language and my SoSIL's husband understands and also does not approve. I did look in his phone and found that she is the one instigating the conversation and he keeps ignoring her. Good sign, Ithink?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Have you read this thread on boundaries? Just because they are family doesn't mean there shouldn't be boundaries. Unfortunately you already found that out before.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ropriate-boundaries-members-opposite-sex.html


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