# My girlfriend is mad at me because..



## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

I met a woman one time before I got involved with my girlfriend. She lives nearby and I ran into her when walking my dog. We hit it off in a friendly way but at the time we were both seeing other people. Then she was single and contacted me, but I was with someone at the time, then I was single and she was with a guy, but we remained friends on FaceBook and stayed friendly and kept each other up to date on who we were with. Again, we only met face to face one time for perhaps a 20 minute conversation, this was, to clarify, about 5 years ago.

So she's with a guy, been with him for a couple of years, and she sends me a FB message that says she was out with her guy, and she saw a guy that looked so much like me that she was pretty sure it WAS me and she couldn't help but stare at him. So anyway she was thinking about me and she sent me a message as a result asking how I've been, that sort of thing.

So I write back the following message, and it's exactly as I wrote it (with personal info removed). My GF took offense to it and I ask you, the reader, if she was justified in being somewhat pissed off about it. Well actually she wasn't "angry" but she wanted me to agree it was considered flirting and was somewhat out of line.

Hiya K <name omitted>. Nope wasn't me, I was out east catching one of the last races at -_the local stock car track_-. I've been going there every summer since I was a kid. I check out you I mean your facebook page every so often, you look great and are obviously very happy with D <name omitted>, I'm glad you're doing so great!


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Yes, I agree with your gf. It sounds like both you and this woman are keeping each other in the back burner to get together if things don't work out with your current gf/bf.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

silex said:


> I check out you I mean your facebook page every so often,


You were fine until the quote above. That would've rubbed me the wrong way. 



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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

You have to ask why your gf took offense?


Sent from my iPhone


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why does everyone feel compelled to respond to exes on FB? LOL


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Why does everyone feel compelled to respond to exes on FB? LOL


They aren't even exes; just each other's backup plan in case they're alone.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> They aren't even exes; just each other's backup plan in case they're alone.


If they stay in touch, it will seem that way for sure. 

OP, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, but seems like your ex still wants to stay in touch...maybe her relationship isn't going so well and she thinks of you. If you are truly done and have moved on, then I'd not contact her anymore otherwise you'll mess up what you have with your current gf. Good luck to you.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

WE ARE NOT EX's!

We met one time, for about 15 minutes in a parking lot when I was walking my dog. 

We conversed, we hit it off, we probably "would" have dated if the opportunity arose but we never did.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Uh yeah I would have been pissed, knowing you have been checking her out on FB.

Have you even read what you wrote? and still not see how your GF is mad?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No, your wording was a tad clumsy, but not so bad. And backed up by THIS-----> knowing the [lack of] any relationship with the lady.

That is MY opinion and YOUR opinion. Having said that.............WE do not rate an opinion.

If it offended HER, then no tap dance can dissuade her.

Say sorry and move on. 

I look at it this way: If she is jealous, then she cares about you. If she is indifferent and says nothing about purported flirting....well, that is bad.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

silex said:


> We conversed, we hit it off, we probably "would" have dated if the opportunity arose but we never did.


Couple this with what you wrote and take another look. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you be bothered?



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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> They aren't even exes; just each other's backup plan in case they're alone.


Nope. They aren't even "friends", just passing acquaintances. 

Bumped into each other like you do when out walking, playing sport, going to conferences.

What really threw his gf, is that he was honest and truthful with someone else, without it being parsed through the proper chain of command, and did not have military censors check the documents. The military/prisons don't want to know what is document much of the time, just that they have control over it.

There are women out there with many _thousands_ of FB acquaintances doesn't mean they maintaining relationships with all of them. And I'm sure I'm not the only one whose looked up someone I've meet and checked out meme's etc on what other people are doing....it's called _social_ media for a reason. He got burned because he didn't follow channels with the power member of the relationship (thus undermined her, in her eyes)

-------------
add: also remember you're talking to a stranger women - all other women who aren't properly installed in the military pecking order and have proper clearances are The Enemy, and therefore treated with utmost suspicion and power games. How dare you use a phrase like "checking out".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Nope. They aren't even "friends", just passing acquaintances.
> 
> Bumped into each other like you do when out walking, playing sport, going to conferences.
> 
> ...


Are you saying that you think the gf is controlling?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why haven't you dated this woman? Do you still live near her?


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> He got burned because he didn't follow channels with the power member of the relationship (thus undermined her, in her eyes)


I didn't get burned, we didn't even argue. She just pointed out that it constituted flirting and she wanted me to admit or at least understand it as such.



lucy999 said:


> Couple this with what you wrote and take another look. How would you feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Would you be bothered?


I don't really know. She's admitted to guys flirting with her at work from time to time but she "never responds". It really doesn't bother me in fact I get perverse satisfaction out of knowing she's desirable to other men.



blueinbr said:


> Why haven't you dated this woman? Do you still live near her?


We're both in committed exclusive relationships with other people. Also I doubt it would have worked even if we were both single at the same time because she's very religious and I am not.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

silex, you're gaming chicks on Facebook. You think your GF isn't keeping her plates gently spinning on FB, too?


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

TAM2013 said:


> silex, you're gaming chicks on Facebook. You think your GF isn't keeping her plates gently spinning on FB, too?


No x 2.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

silex said:


> WE ARE NOT EX's!
> 
> We met one time, for about 15 minutes in a parking lot when I was walking my dog.
> 
> We conversed, we hit it off, we probably "would" have dated if the opportunity arose but we never did.


I guess I don't understand - not just you but others well. You met this girl for 15 minutes, chit chatted and that was it. Why become FB friends? Just delete and block her. You've only seen her for 15 minutes.

Just me, I guess because I don't add strangers so they can access my pictures, etc. :scratchhead:


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Yes said:


> I guess I don't understand - not just you but others well. You met this girl for 15 minutes, chit chatted and that was it. Why become FB friends? Just delete and block her. You've only seen her for 15 minutes.
> 
> Just me, I guess because I don't add strangers so they can access my pictures, etc. :scratchhead:


We got friendly after we met, and we continued to occasionally chat via FB. 

Why block someone who has become a friend just because they're opposite gender?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So did you want opinions or did you want to argue about why you're right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry, if you tell a woman that you're checking her out, um, checking out her facebook page periodically, and that she "looks great!" yeah, a gf is going to think of that as flirting and suspicious. If you deny it, then she will question whether you flirt with women all the time like that and don't think you're flirting. It will bother her to think you don't know the difference because that makes you untrustworthy.

It wouldn't bother you if your gf has a fb friend for 5 YEARS and that he checks in with her every now and then to see if she is free to date, and that SHE checks in with him to see if he is free to date? And it wouldn't bother you if she's sending messages telling him that she checks him out and that he looks great? If it were your gf doing this with a fb friend, the guys on TAM would be all over you telling you to put a VAR in her car and start snooping on all her emails and texts and phone calls to catch her cheating because they'd be CERTAIN that she is or is planning to cheat in the immediate future.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

silex said:


> Hiya K <name omitted>. Nope wasn't me, I was out east catching one of the last races at -_the local stock car track_-. I've been going there every summer since I was a kid. I check out you I mean your facebook page every so often, you look great and are obviously very happy with D <name omitted>, I'm glad you're doing so great!


Sorry Silex, but I also think that your message was flirty because of this part: "I check out you, I mean..." I'd also feel bad if I was in your girlfriend's shoes. However, I concede that there are many others who feel that flirting is harmless.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

silex said:


> We got friendly after we met, and we continued to occasionally chat via FB.
> 
> Why block someone who has become a friend just because they're opposite gender?


I never said anything about gender. I just don't get how people friend others so quickly. Just my thing though.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You meet someone in a parking lot. Spend 15 minutes chatting and determine that neither of you is available to date but here is my contact info and keep it up for 5 years? Let it go. If it were going to happen, it would have happened already. Don't turn her into the one who got away. Your gf might feel that you're just biding time until you can actually pursue the woman.


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## Jewel1010 (Aug 26, 2016)

silex said:


> We got friendly after we met, and we continued to occasionally chat via FB.
> 
> Why block someone who has become a friend just because they're opposite gender?


Because it bothers your girlfriend that Another woman IS THINKING about you. And you are CHECKING her out. And that would lead that other OW to think you are interested. And that hurts and scares some of us who are insecure about our relationship and our self image.

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

silex said:


> I met a woman one time before I got involved with my girlfriend. She lives nearby and I ran into her when walking my dog. We hit it off in a friendly way but at the time we were both seeing other people. Then she was single and contacted me, but I was with someone at the time, then I was single and she was with a guy, but we remained friends on FaceBook and stayed friendly and kept each other up to date on who we were with. Again, we only met face to face one time for perhaps a 20 minute conversation, this was, to clarify, about 5 years ago.
> 
> So she's with a guy, been with him for a couple of years, and she sends me a FB message that says she was out with her guy, and she saw a guy that looked so much like me that she was pretty sure it WAS me and she couldn't help but stare at him. So anyway she was thinking about me and she sent me a message as a result asking how I've been, that sort of thing.
> 
> ...


I agree with your GF, you and she are both 'fishing' just stop it. I check out you, I mean you FB page, what's that? FFS you are asking for trouble, 'you look great' etc etc. 

Either you are a player or an idiot. Take your pick

If the following message was sent by your GF, to a hot guy she knows from 5 years ago, whom she never dated

"Nope wasn't me, I was out East with my girlfriends at a golf tournament at XYZ course. I go every summer when the tournament is on. I check out you, I mean your FB page ever so often, you look handsome, have you been in the gym? Obviously your GF is making you happy, I'm glad you're doing so great!"

Would you be ok with this?

Be honest


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

aine said:


> Either you are a player or an idiot. Take your pick


I don't think these are mutually exclusive.

Regarding the message



silex said:


> Hiya K <name omitted>. Nope wasn't me, I was out east catching one of the last races at -_the local stock car track_-. I've been going there every summer since I was a kid. I check out you I mean your facebook page every so often, you look great and are obviously very happy with D <name omitted>, I'm glad you're doing so great!


Who writes like that to a person you talked to for 15 minutes 5 years ago? Your "mistake" of telling her you check her out instead of her fb is complete BS. Such a thing happens in spoken language. In writing it's purely made as a rhethorical measure to bring exactly the point accross you "mistakenly" made but still be able to deny the true meaning. Otherwise you would delete that part of the message and only write FB, and even that is BS. Why tell her where you were and what you like? You and she threw the pole out trying to catch some information about each other.

You check out other women (who gives a f* that happens on FB, Twitter or the real world) that's why your GF is angy.


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

rzmpf said:


> I don't think these are mutually exclusive.


Hey!



rzmpf said:


> Who writes like that to a person you talked to for 15 minutes 5 years ago? Your "mistake" of telling her you check her out instead of her fb is complete BS. Such a thing happens in spoken language. In writing it's purely made as a rhethorical measure to bring exactly the point accross you "mistakenly" made but still be able to deny the true meaning.


Ok that's fair.

Anyway she never responded perhaps she was just being friendly and thought it was inappropriate as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh-Oh! 

"Checking out" was the wrong term to use.

Unless you really were "checking her out" in that way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Oh-Oh!
> 
> "Checking out" was the wrong term to use.
> 
> Unless you really were "checking her out" in that way?


She's not a bad looking woman @MattMatt


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

silex said:


> She's not a bad looking woman @MattMatt


That's not what your wife needs to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> That's not what your wife needs to hear.


I get that. By the way she's my live in long term girlfriend.

Had a wife once. Not doing that again no matter how great everything is.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

silex said:


> I check out you I mean your facebook page every so often, QUOTE]
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

silex said:


> She's admitted to guys flirting with her at work from time to time but she "never responds".


i would argue that if she does not report these guys to HR or at least object to the flirting then she is condoning it. i'm also going to guess that when these guys say something flirty, she gives a little smile, maybe a chuckle, but does not say anything negative.

based on that, she has no standing to say to you that it was "out of line".


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

Married&Confused said:


> i would argue that if she does not report these guys to HR or at least object to the flirting then she is condoning it. i'm also going to guess that when these guys say something flirty, she gives a little smile, maybe a chuckle, but does not say anything negative.
> 
> based on that, she has no standing to say to you that it was "out of line".


I can't like this post enough.


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

I think it was pretty disrespectful, you decided to bring to attention to another woman that you check her out on fb once and awhile.
I think your gf is pretty justified in her response.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@silex--the message you send to this other woman sounds like blatant flirting. This other woman is someone you've always considered a backup, whom you would have dated if she was single when you were single. You're idealizing this other woman as the one who got away.

OF COURSE this bothers your GF, and you are being really inconsiderate of her feelings. I guarantee you, it makes her feel like sh*t to know that you're keeping a back-up woman in the wings, in case things go south with the GF. That communicates to your GF that you're not fully committed to her. Which she may already be questioning, since you've made it very clear that you will NEVER marry her.

So, here's the question: of these two women, who is more important to you? Your live-in GF or this back-up woman in the wings? If you actually love your GF and want her to feel confident in your commitment to her, and your FB relationship with back-up woman is upsetting to her, then you need to end your "friendship" with back-up woman. Because it's not really a friendship; you want to f*ck her, you've just never had the chance. And that is threatening to your GF. 

Let me make this clear: if this woman was flirting with you, and you didn't respond in kind, she wouldn't feel threatened. But your behavior has made it pretty clear that if your GF wasn't in the picture, you would totally jump in back-up woman's pants. The fact that back-up woman currently has a boyfriend is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. She isn't threatened by this other woman; she is threatened by the fact that you are so clearly into this other woman--_whom you've only met in passing in real life_--that you have maintained a FB friendship with her for half a decade, and you have regularly checked in with her to see if she's available. If you want to keep your GF, you need to ditch the back-up woman, full stop. Because this problem will never go away; if you continue this "friendship," this problem will only get worse.

Do you want to keep your GF? Then you need to ditch the back-up plan, and go all-in with your GF, because NO WOMAN should be more important to you than her. If any woman takes precedence over your GF, you need to break up with your GF so she can find someone who actually deserves her.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Married&Confused said:


> i would argue that if she does not report these guys to HR or at least object to the flirting then she is condoning it. i'm also going to guess that when these guys say something flirty, she gives a little smile, maybe a chuckle, but does not say anything negative.
> 
> based on that, she has no standing to say to you that it was "out of line".


We only have what OP'S GF said -she doesn't respond to the flirting.

What you're "guessing " here is a huge leap.



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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Married&Confused said:


> i would argue that if she does not report these guys to HR or at least object to the flirting then she is condoning it. i'm also going to guess that when these guys say something flirty, she gives a little smile, maybe a chuckle, but does not say anything negative.
> 
> based on that, she has no standing to say to you that it was "out of line".


It's not that simple. If women reported every guy who flirted with us at work to HR, women would never get hired for nor be able to keep jobs. We'd be labeled as trouble-makers and a hiring risk, managers don't want trouble-makers on their teams. Flirting is pervasive and constant and brushing it off is generally the best way to deal with it and keep the peace because it is generally harmless and not worth the hassle of trying to report it infinite times. 

Hell, guys even make jokes about HR _as they're flirting and saying inappropriate things_, "I probably shouldn't say this in case HR is listening, but..."


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## silex (Sep 13, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Because it's not really a friendship; you want to f*ck her, you've just never had the chance. And that is threatening to your GF.


Presumptive and way, way over the top.

But thanks for your input!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

silex said:


> Presumptive and way, way over the top.
> 
> But thanks for your input!


You wanted to date her, not only at one point, but it was ongoing, right? Nobody dates to enter a sexless relationship. People date people they find attractive, and hope to someday f*ck. Maybe I was being hyperbolic, but it's not much of a stretch. I'm just trying to help you understand where she's coming from, man.

There is one belief that is very common here on TAM: men and women can't ever be JUST friends. One of them (usually the guy) wants to have sex with the other one (usually the woman), but he's been "friendzoned" or he never had the opportunity, and the "friendship" is just a way to stay in her orbit until he finally gets the chance to sleep with her.

I don't believe this theory, at least not that it applies to EVERY male/female friendship. But it does apply to a LOT of male/female friendships, and that's what your "friendship" looks like from a bird's eye view.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

silex said:


> *I didn't get burned*, we didn't even argue. She just pointed out that it constituted flirting and she wanted me to admit or at least understand it as such.


No, you did not get burned. That was a prelude, a preemptive strike.

No Burn...........just a Tan. 

Female words Tan the skin......when things get amped up......when anger flares, the flames singe.....to the bone.........no, they "OFF" the bone. Hello, Eunuch!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez, it's SO obvious you're keeping this 'friend' on the back-burner should you ever have the opportunity to get together with her if you're both single at the same time. It ain't rocket science.

Call a freakin' spade a spade.

And quite honestly, that idiotic comment about "I check out you - your Facbook page out I mean...." was just so lame and childish, it sounds like something a hormonal teenage boy would write.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

To the new people posting to this thread: the OP was outed and banned for being a sock puppet. He shall neither read, nor benefit from your replies, as he probably made up the initial scenario.

Good responses, though.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Keep chicks off your FB page. Or better yet. Stay off FB. 

IMO, I can understand your GF being pissed. My W sure would be. Dump the social media and be social with your GF. It will work out better for you.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is not flirty message at all. Don't know why your gf is upset about it.


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