# Forced awkward intimate situation called dating



## breakeven (Jul 8, 2013)

That is a Wedding Crashers reference  but true nevertheless.

I have started dating after being in a serious relationship. I feel so disheartened by the whole thing. 

So, I need some opinions please:

Meet a person online through a dating website. Arrange to meet for a quick drink -- quick drink turns into a 7 hour conversation, food, and drinks. Both parties agree they feel the spark and enjoy each other's company. The guy in this scenario sends a text message once he gets home that he was home safe, thanked for a wonderful evening, and stated he was looking forward to seeing the girl again. The girl responds in the morning (she was asleep by the time texts came through) basically reciprocating the message. Then....silence... until later in the afternoon where the guy seemed more withdrawn and to the point. Some highlights are his saying "he was looking forward to some future adventures" and that he was glad they met. 

That was it for the day after the date. Now it's on to the second day after the date and the ball is in his court.

I may be over analyzing or am being a little irrational/paranoid. I guess my point of reference was my last relationship where after our first date, we saw each other the following three days in a row, and were exclusive by the next weekend (lasted two years). I am guessing that is not the norm..

So either I am wrong by comparing this situation that does not seem to be the norm to the current situation, or this guy just isn't that interested and I should write him off.

Nothing physical happened other than a goodnight kiss. Halfway into the date we did start holding hands and were very close. No groping or anything sexual.

So yeah. Either I am being slightly dramatic and this guy is into me and is taking it slow. Or he faked the funk for whatever reason. Or something in between.

What is the "normal" or "typical" frequency of communication after a (perceived) great first date?

Dating is hard.


----------



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I'm assuming he works, has friends/family, and hobbies. He's had one, albeit great, date with you. You probably are not the only thing he thinks about and you aren't to the top of his priority list... yet. Slow down. It's the middle of the week, see if he makes plans with you for the weekend.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I would say that yes, in a grown-up world it's pretty rare to meet someone and immediately go to seeing each other daily. I think most people aren't "head over heels" types and do take it slower than in your last relationship. I know that my weeks are pretty full, even if I were to fall that fast for someone, it would be tight to find time to plan something for a week or more because I've made my commitments already.

Like MyHappyPlace mentioned--there's still life to deal with. If you have this much time to spend worrying about when he'll call, if he'll call, what it might or might not mean if he calls....then you might need more to fill your time. Go out. Make dates. Until you're exclusive, it's crazymaking to put all your relationship eggs in one basket. If he calls, that's great. If not, dates are like buses. When one leaves, another one comes along. 

Alternatively, you can always text him. Just say hi and that you were thinking of him because this or that reminded you of your conversation about the other thing. See what his response is. That should give you an idea of where things stand as well.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I have limited experience with dating so take this with a grain of salt. 

But wouldn't conventional wisdom say wait for him to contact you? If he haven't within a week he probably not interested?


----------



## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Wait a bit, and then casually contact him.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Dating is hard...but it really sounds like you need to read up a lot about it so it won't be as hard. Anguish over one date is inappropriate.

I suggest this book, it is awesome:

Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship: John Gray: 9780060932213: Amazon.com: Books


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I have limited experience with dating so take this with a grain of salt.
> 
> But wouldn't conventional wisdom say wait for him to contact you? If he haven't within a week he probably not interested?


And conventional wisdom says you have to wait X number of days to contact, and to wait X number of hours to reply...I think that's a bunch of horse **** personally...playing games.

Be open and honest..you like the guy, and want to go out again, tell him.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

let thigs play out. take your time don't over think it. if he had a good time and thinks there were sparks then he will call. If not his loss.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LOL remember the 3 date rule!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There are no rules. And I would say it is NOT the norm to go on a date and be talking/inseparable every day like it was with your ex. Infact, that is too much too soon (some may think). Why not get to know eachother slowly. What's the rush?

He is either into you or he's not. Let it be what ti is. No pressure. 

If you go out a few more times and he's wishy washy then move on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> LOL remember the 3 date rule!


Never heard of it. What is that?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Never heard of it. What is that?


If there's no sex after 3 dates, you move on.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

breakeven said:


> I may be over analyzing or am being a little irrational/paranoid. I guess my point of reference was my last relationship where after our first date, we saw each other the following three days in a row, and were exclusive by the next weekend (lasted two years). I am guessing that is not the norm..


No, that is definitely NOT the norm. Holy cow, if you are panicking this soon, I see rocky roads ahead. I never would have married my wife if my expectations were anything like yours. 

Slow down, and enjoy the ride!


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> And conventional wisdom says you have to wait X number of days to contact, and to wait X number of hours to reply...I think that's a bunch of horse **** personally...playing games.
> 
> Be open and honest..you like the guy, and want to go out again, tell him.


I agree totally. I hate the "game" and am bummed I'll have to go thru this crap again in life.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

badcompany said:


> I agree totally. I hate the "game" and am bummed* I'll have to go thru this crap again in life*.


Then don't play. I didn't. 

I came out of a nearly twenty year mariage at 40 years old, and things had really changed on the dating scene since I was last on it. When I went out on dates that I enjoyed, I told her right away. Why not? If my not playing the game right made her uncomfortable, then she wasn't the one for me.

I did find someone online. We clicked right away and talked for hours every day getting to know each other. We even talked about 'the game' and how we weren't playing by the rules. 

Talk about breaking the rules...on my way home after our first date, I texted her and told her that first kiss made me want to bang the hell out of her. She told me she was taking care of herself and wished I was there to help.

A year and a half later, we still talk for hours every day, and bang the hell out of each other regularly.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

breakeven said:


> That is a Wedding Crashers reference  but true nevertheless.
> 
> I have started dating after being in a serious relationship. I feel so disheartened by the whole thing.
> 
> ...


Yup,
Dating is hard.

What you're experiencing is projection. You are projecting your expectations on him after the first date which you thought was successful.
Not that this is right or wrong, its just something we usually do.
However, remember he is not your last lover and things are much different now.
Although you may feel that both of you are a match , give it a little more time so that you can think things over more rationally , and always keep your options open.

The ball is in his court.
Remember, always protect yourself.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And conventional wisdom says you have to wait X number of days to contact, and to wait X number of hours to reply...I think that's a bunch of horse **** personally...playing games.
> 
> Be open and honest..you like the guy, and want to go out again, tell him.


What you added is playing games. I don't think what I said is playing games at all. I think it not chasing after someone who not interested in you.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I don't think that playing games at all. I think it not chasing after someone who not interested in you.


I think the conventional wisdom absolutely is game playing. It is telling people that it is wrong to not share your feelings for a set amount of time for no other reason that it's just wrong.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Would strongly suggest that you read up on dating as Faithful Wife suggested.

In the meantime;

Do not emotionally invest yourself to the outcome of a first date.

Anticipate that you are not the only person that your date is dating.

Decide what your goal is with dating. Meet people, share new experiences and have fun? Or find your next long term serious relationship?

Believe it or not, dating can actually be fun.

However, if you approach it from the perspective of fear; will I meet the right person? Will they feel the same for me as I feel for them? Why hasnt he called me? Or generally feeling insecure, then dating can be a rough ride.

Like it or not, dating IS a game. It's the game you must play (therefore it behooves you to be good at it) if you want a shot at deep, meaningful love.

My advice is simple, plan a date with someone else rather than sitting around waiting to see if this other jamoke calls you back.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I think the conventional wisdom absolutely is game playing. It is telling people that it is wrong to not share your feelings for a set amount of time for no other reason that it's just wrong.


So you really think if a guy doesn't call back the woman should call and say "I really like you. Why haven't you call me back?". 

Again I really was never in the dating game so ...


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I loved dating! I still love dating, and am glad my husband still dates me.

There are some very good guidelines to follow in dating which are meant to help you keep your head on straight and stay grounded. Others might try to find guidelines to force a situation or game what they want out of things...but honestly, the book I linked and recommended on the last page for the OP is not like that. It is based on male-female dynamics and tries to keep things in perspective for you.

The biggest perspective everyone who is dating should understand is...there are no guarantees. You don't know this person after 1 date, or even after 10 dates. They could disappear without warning. Most dates do not turn into long term relationships, so it should never be assumed that this particular date will go anywhere.

If you can adopt that perspective and have no expectations other than just expecting to enjoy yourself and be present on any given date, you will have a better dating experience.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> So you really think if a guy doesn't call back the woman should call and say "I really like you. Why haven't you call me back?".
> 
> Again I really was never in the dating game so ...


Why not? It's certainly better than guessing. Seriously, look at how many marriages have huge issues because of poor, unclear communication. How many have been reduced to mind reading? That is exactly what 'the game' sets up.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

sam...You are right, but sometimes it still isn't the right thing to do.

Women who have had a history of chasing men who aren't into them should NEVER make a call like that.

Instead those women should study up on why they are not finding men who ARE into them.

A lot of men will turn tail at the sign a woman will be needy or clingy, and sometimes calling him the next day IS that sign.

True that if she doesn't have this chasing problem to begin with, then it would be ok to call a guy. It all just depends on the history of the dating woman and what her strengths and weaknesses are.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> sam...You are right, but sometimes it still isn't the right thing to do.
> 
> Women who have had a history of chasing men who aren't into them should NEVER make a call like that.
> 
> ...


I agree. It is all situational with the people involved. But all else being equal with no other issues, not calling someone for an arbitrary amount of time even though you want to for no other reason than you're just not 'supposed' to in my opinion is just stupid, and is playing games.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I would never chase a guy, I would wait for them to contact me, and if they liked me they would get in touch. I wouldn't say after the first date "I really like you", sounds a bit weird to me, how can you really know that soon.

With my guy, we first met for coffee and lunch, chatted for about an hour or so, and went our seperate ways, I wasn't even sure I was interested, intriged? maybe. I think he may have texted me saying he enjoyed our lunch, and did ask for a second date. Second date included dinner, and pool, this date lasted about 4 hours, no physical contact, no good night kiss. He dropped me off at my house and we said good bye. We did start talking on the phone around that time when our kids were in bed. During that week he asked me me to dinner the following weekend (third date). I felt I knew him fairly well by this point, and you know, it was the third date....lol. By this time we had known each other about a month or so.

take things slow, and don't worry if he doesn't contact you right away, would you really want someone calling you right away and saying "I love you", it would be kind of stalkish.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> LOL remember the 3 date rule!


Dumb rule.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Why not? It's certainly better than guessing. Seriously, look at how many marriages have huge issues because of poor, unclear communication. How many have been reduced to mind reading? That is exactly what 'the game' sets up.


Oh Lord! I would have been a social misfit in the dating game. I wasn't even comfortable being direct with my H until I married him. But I need to know what to tell my little girl! 

But then again I guess the rules will have changed drastically by the time she is 30...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Oh Lord! I would have been a social misfit in the dating game. I wasn't even comfortable being direct with my H until I married him. But I need to know what to tell my little girl!
> 
> But then again I guess the rules will have changed drastically by the time she is 30...


30? Do you think she's going to wait until 30 to start dating


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Dumb rule.


The rule was created by players wishing to counteract a female stretching a male out for dates.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> 30? Do you think she's going to wait until 30 to start dating


Yep. That's when she'll be allowed. LOL!


----------



## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> then don't play. I didn't.
> 
> I came out of a nearly twenty year mariage at 40 years old, and things had really changed on the dating scene since i was last on it. When i went out on dates that i enjoyed, i told her right away. Why not? If my not playing the game right made her uncomfortable, then she wasn't the one for me.
> 
> ...


Winner!


----------



## breakeven (Jul 8, 2013)

Thanks for the input everyone! We saw each other again yesterday and spent another several hours chatting and getting to know one another. We brought up the topic of online dating profiles, and both agreed to turn them off until we see where this goes. Our communication IN PERSON is very open and honest. He just really is very brief in his texts. I am generally even keeled, but despite my best efforts to keep my thoughts rational, I am pretty intrigued by this man. He is out of state visiting family this weekend, so we shall see where date 3 leads us (if anywhere).


----------

