# Why is it always my fault?



## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

I have been with my husband for 8 years. When we go thru periods of no sex (currently at almost 3 months) he always blames me 100%. I will admit and have admitted to him that our sex life did not start out well, I was/am very shy and didn't want to try any different positions or anything new. After a couple of years I wondered why the he!! am I holding back, lets have some fun. So I asked him to give me another chance in the bedroom. I asked him to initiate more, and told him I would like it if he was to get a little more aggreesive with me. Well I have been telling him this for 4-5 years and he just tells me he doesn't know what to do. Isn't that a mans ultimate fantasy? To have a women tell him she wants him to have sex with her?

Even though I am the only one that initiates its my fault that we are not having sex...100% my fault. He tells me this. Let me tell you that really turns me one...him telling me that I don't get it:scratchhead:

About 4 monthhs ago I finally went thru a period where I started trying new things with him. I took the initiative, started getting in the shower with him (although sometimes he didn't know I was going to do it and told me "maybe next time, I didn't know you were going to join me, next time let me know" I started trying new positions, doing more oral. He reciprocated with the oral but still didn't initiate. 

Any thoughts?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I think your problem can be divided into two seperate issues. One is your husbands lack of interest in sex and the other is his bad attitude in dealing with it.

I have a bit more sympathy when you describe his reaction when you got in the shower with him, sexually its a nice move but some men get put off when they're out of their sexual comfort zone.

I could reccomend loads of things that get men interested in sex, but I know from other posts that you and your hubby are going through a rough patch. I really wouldn't suggest doing anything sexually that might cause agro untill you've gotten your other problems sorted out.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

imalostperson-

I think this problem is common. Some men when they get sexually rejected, get their pride really really hurt. Some men are so sensitive that even rejecting them once is enough! It's not your fault, it's just the way it is. The solution is simple....

You are out of sync, so you need to get back into sync. Just keep up the new behavior, and eventually, he will feel safe. Keep encouraging him.

I have written article about this: Are You Out Of Sync? I probably need to do some more work on it to make it readable!


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## Flutterlashes (Jan 8, 2009)

I just wondered if you and your husband are close in other aspects. Do you kiss & cuddle? My own affairs are a bit of a mess, so I'm no-one to give advice, but I would try to take a romantic approach, just a special candlelit dinner or something. I hope things work out for you. Us humans are complicated creatures aren't we?!


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> I think your problem can be divided into two seperate issues. One is your husbands lack of interest in sex and the other is his bad attitude in dealing with it.


The whole thing is though that he tells me he always wants it, even now with our problems he says no sex is affecting him. I dont like it either, it makes me feel like we are roommates but right now with everything else going on it's kinda hard to get in the mood. I was just curious as to why.

MarkTwain - I think I can understand getting rejected once is enough, but I have apologized and asked for a second chance in the bedroom NUMEROUS times. I read one of your other posts telling someone that when the man never initiates it makes the woman feel unwanted. Thats kinda how I feel. And it gets tiring and boring always having to initiate. I have even told him to take my hand when I am sitting in the living room and take me into the bedroom. But he never has.

Flutterlashes - right now we are not close in other aspects. We kiss goodbye in the mornings, hello when we come home and good night. Once in while he comes up behind me and hugs me. But other than that I have kind of shut down emotionally, and I have told him that in counseling. You can read about what we are going thru here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/3529-i-need-advice.html 
I hope that link works, if not its the "I need advice" post under anxiety and depression.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my "room mate" and i are in a very similar place right now, except she has never tried to reconcile her lack of interest or willingness to spice it up. the rejection just got to the point where it was easier and less stressful for me to just get away from desiring sex with her and just try to find other outlets (non-sexual). i think some people are so selfish that they expect the other partner to feel the same way they do about everything, to live life at the same pace, to accept their wants and needs without regards to those of their partners. i am not saying thats you, but i can relate that in my own home


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It's always your fault because he's a lazy person. And an unimaginative one. 

Get yourself a dildo and have some fun. Do it in front of him. Shake him up, wake him up. 

Tell him that is he isn't man enough to take care of your needs, you'll just do it yourself. Then, maybe, ask him if he'd like to help. It would be a small step, but a step, nevertheless.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

dcrim said:


> It's always your fault because he's a lazy person. And an unimaginative one.
> 
> Get yourself a dildo and have some fun. Do it in front of him. Shake him up, wake him up.
> 
> Tell him that is he isn't man enough to take care of your needs, you'll just do it yourself. Then, maybe, ask him if he'd like to help. It would be a small step, but a step, nevertheless.


Her marraige is already going through a tough period and I don't think thats going to help.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

She said he blames her 100%. 

IOW it's up to her to make it happen. Therefore, he's lazy. 

She also said he doesn't know what to do. Therefore, he's unimaginative. 

He needs to be woken up and made to uphold his husbandly (sic) "duties". 

He needs to learn to take care of her needs. Maybe she will need to push him to do that. 

Using a toy would be a wake up call. Then asking him to help her (with it) would be just a step in that direction. Once he learns how to do that, the toy will likely get little use. That's my point.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

dcrim said:


> She said he blames her 100%.
> 
> IOW it's up to her to make it happen. Therefore, he's lazy.
> 
> ...


I have no interest in defending the guy. I'm simply pointing out that what I'm reading in the other threads that imalostperson is posting in I can see that her marraige is in trouble.

Provoking him in the way you describe isn't going to help her marraige, he already sounds quite fragile as it is. For a woman to that to her partner she needs to be really confidant in how he's going to react to it.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sarah - you are correct, her other threads do show problems. I neglected to consider her other posts, per se. I was focusing on this thread. 

I wasn't defending the guy either.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

As long as their good faith in a relationship then sexual problems can be solved. Even if that means deferring your own gratification for a period of time. If there are other problems though then I'd suggest sorting those first before turning to the sex.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> As long as their good faith in a relationship then sexual problems can be solved. Even if that means deferring your own gratification for a period of time. If there are other problems though then I'd suggest sorting those first before turning to the sex.


:iagree:

i had to defer my own sexual gratifications for awhile, too. and work through other problems before coming back to the issue of sex. it helped a lot. i was calmer once i had control over my own impulses.


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