# Found out my husband has asked my sisters, and friends if they think he is bi or gay?



## worriedwife83 (Apr 5, 2012)

Hello all,

I recently found out from one of my closest friends that my husband has been having lengthy conversations online with her, and quite a few other women. Apparently he has been asking them if they have ever wondered if he is gay or bisexual. I also recently found out he has asked one of my sisters. Should I be worried? It seems like he has done this alot with mutual female friends..


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

First off, my sympathy. I can only assume that is a wild situation to suddenly find yourself in.

I tried to think about the possibilities and I quickly got to "endless". Some of the scenarios I thought up were trivial. Others... not so much. Rather than "worried", I would vote for "curious, sensitive and forthright".

Here's one of the "trivial" scenarios I dreamed up. "You're husband is actually a nice guy and the boys at work are teasing him about being gay or metro or somesuch. So he's seeking reassurance from females he trusts but are more objective than the woman who loves him. He's seeking to find out if a female registers male vibes or gay vibes"

That's in the haha, laugh it off, let's go have wild hetero sex category. 

I think you need to talk to your husband.


----------



## pjuk (Jan 5, 2012)

This may be something to worry about, or it might not be. But you won't know until you find the right way to ask him about it.

It could be as simple as someone having made a remark "Oh, you're married? Sorry, I thought you were gay.." that has made him ask himself if he appears to others to be gay. So he'll ask people close enough that he trusts them not to mock, and to be honest "Do i come off as a bit gay?" to reassure himself. In which case, nothing to worry about. The fact that he's spoken to your family and close friends means he's not trying to hide this conversation - possible encouraging news.

On the other hand, he may have started, or reawakened homosexual or bisexual urges, and is exploring who he really is. I recently had a young married man come and talk to me because he'd been watching porn and had become more and more interested in pics of oral and realised he was fascinated by erections. He spent time talking and thinking and came to the understanding that he was predominantly interested in women, but that a part of him was at least fascinated, but not wanting to enact, homosexual activity.

He has asked people close to you, that gives you an in "Hey honey, why were you asking my sis...."

Praying for you
PJ


----------



## worriedwife83 (Apr 5, 2012)

From what he tells me, he gets alot of gay teasing, especially at work. From his family members, and i have teased him before, but for good reason. I discovered he had been looking at the casual encounters ads on craigslist, searching for "bisexual couples". I also found out he has talked to A LOT of females, asking them what they think. The most recent one was my sister, who told him that girls he has talked to came to her, wondering about him..thoughts?


----------



## pjuk (Jan 5, 2012)

Well, it feels a bit like we're all shooting in the dark. The one thought i have clearly is that you need to find a helpful way to talk this through with him.

PJ


----------



## worriedwife83 (Apr 5, 2012)

Should i be worried that he could be bisexual?


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

worriedwife83 said:


> Should i be worried that he could be bisexual?


I would ask him though: "Are you sexually attracted to men?"

In the end that's what you want to know, and a sincere no answer clears the air.

I would be curious why he was asking these questions. The answer could be a reason for concern.

Is it just a little teasing at work or a lot?
Is it something where all the guys are calling each other gay?
Is it because he acts slightly effeminate in some ways so others perceive him as gay?
Is it because he's clearly checking out other guys?
Has he touched another man in a sexual way?
Has he had sex with another man?


----------



## worriedwife83 (Apr 5, 2012)

The main focus of the gay teasing is on him at work. He is sensitive, and quite perverted. From my knowledge, he hasnt had any sexual experience with a man.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Define perverted.

He shouldn't let others define him, frankly others can't tell him if he's bi/gay. Only he can.

I'm a sensitive guy a total "nice guy", but I don't put up with people saying things about me I don't like. Sounds like he needs to show some backbone, not worry about it anymore, or change jobs.


----------



## worriedwife83 (Apr 5, 2012)

Perverted as in, constantly making sex jokes..jokes about penis alot, and makes gay jokes..


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

worriedwife83 said:


> Perverted as in, constantly making sex jokes..jokes about penis alot, and makes gay jokes..


Well he's kind of asking for them to pick on him then about it. He needs to drop the jokes if he doesn't want the label. 

Still though, talk to him and ask him if he's at least bi-curious. You should find out though and you should let him know how you feel about it.


----------



## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

worriedwife83 said:


> Should i be worried that he could be bisexual?


I'm kind of curious why that induces worry in you? Is this a deeply held religious belief thing? Does your husband share the same religious traditions? It's easy to understand why finding out he's gay would be a problem... you being female and all. But what's finding out he's bi have to do with you? You're female.

I have to assume from your wording that you would find bisexuality incompatible with you, whether or not it had anything to do with the reality of your marriage. That makes this a BIG deal.


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

??? It would worry me a lot. But my hubby is pretty much a "mans man" . So that kind of emailing wouldn't be happening.

He strongly feels that "what goes on between us,... is just that, between us". If I found out he was asking others if they thought he was gay... I'd be worrying that HE thought he was gay.


----------



## ValNTine (Feb 27, 2012)

First thing's first... you mention in a post above about teasing your husband about being gay in the past. That has to stop. If you want him to be open with you about what he's feeling sexually, the last person he is going to want to come to is somebody who teases him for it in the first place. You want him to be comfortable being open with you, and the only way to do that is to offer him a positive environment in which to speak.

How do YOU feel about this? Are you comfortable with the idea of your husband possibly being bisexual? Is this something you're willing to allow him to explore, or is it off the table and not something to even be considered? 

I would be upfront with him. Explain to him that you found the craigslist ad, that you found out he's been asking around, and ask him if he is ready to talk. Explain to him that you're not going to judge him, or push him away (unless you do not feel like you can be with somebody who is bisexual, in which case you need to explain that to him kindly), just that you want him to feel comfortable talking about it openly. It sounds like he may be interested in exploring his bisexual side. Would you be open to the idea of bringing another man into the bedroom for both of you? That would be something to discuss if that is of interest to him. Better to bring the person in than to have him seeking them via outside means (like craigslist). At least this way you can make sure everything is safe (condoms) and you can experience this with your husband rather than him feeling like he has to seek means outside his marriage to explore this fantasy.


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I have recently discovered that people I know are bi. Actually there are what is called. Straight guys that like sex with men. They profess to have no interest in a relationship with a man just enjoy the sex. It is mostly reserved for oral. Many of these men only like recieving or giving. Strange...blew my mind. I understand there is an underground population of men that have "gone there" but are married and either still swing that way (or not). 

I also think men are much more apt to hide this sort of thing. For some reason it is cool for your wife to be bi but husband not so much. 

I think your H is at the very least curious. I don't necessarily think this is a reason to be concerned unless you believe he would act on these urges?

I think you should determine what you want out of this before soliciting/taking advise IE. what if he has some bi tendencies. Do you want to foster them for some mutual exploration? Would you think less of him if you trully "knew"? Perhaps better to ignore his "fantasy" in this case unless there was a danger of straying. 

I tend to dispell the notion that couples need to share every fantasy with each other. I mean if my wife had a fantasy of screwing a guy with a 14inch [email protected]$, of have group sex (and i did not) or if i wanted to have sex with a women who had big breasts (and my wife's were small) or with a skinny girl and my wife was heavy etc. I mean some people may want to know this and some may not. Or some may say they want to know all of their s/o's deepest thoughts and fantasies. Then later find out it was way to much information. 

Again i think that many of us have some degree of bi in us. Be it curious or more. For most it is benign. I am not say you put your head in the sand but, before you explore this further be careful what you ask for.


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

He's Bi at best and Gay at worst and very much tormented. He should talk to a professional and take advantage of any Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if available at work.


----------

