# Checking



## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

It has been some time since I found out. I find that I'm checking, and I can't seem to stop. Not often, but too often for me. Does this "need" to check stop, eventually? Will it fade? Its not often, but once every few weeks. Its been about a year and a half since.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just keep on keeping on Joey.

As long as she gives you no reasons to lose trust and plenty of reasons to give trust it'll fade in time.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I know when you took sacred vows, you didn't sign up to be a Parole Officer---but unfortunately, that goes with the territory

Its up to you when you decide to stop----if she is gonna cheat, and she is savvy enuff---your checking isn't gonna get you anything--

--there probably is no trust---so in all reality---you are betwixt, and between----handle it any way you want----this really is all on your wife, and how much she wants you/her kids/her mge/her family

The only thing you should probably moniter is if something out of the ordinary comes up---then your gut will tell you---and that kind of situation---you look into immediately


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

It's fading for me now, thank goodness. Hated that hyper vigilance and the anxiety that came with it. I hardly ever look at his phone now and even before I look I know I'm probably not going to find anything.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Having to check at all seems too much. I hate having to do this. I hate feeling jealousy and uncertainty. I used to feel I knew who my partner was, her convictions, what she was/was not capable of doing. Now I feel like I have no idea. If she's out of my sight - even during work hours - who knows? If not now, what about a year from now? Where there is a will there's a way, as reality seems to bend to the affair.

I don't think I can trust any woman again at the same level I used to trust my WS. That's empowering - knowing what can happen and building some armor against a vulnerability - but I also feel a deep loss there.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

jnj express said:


> I know when you took sacred vows, you didn't sign up to be a Parole Officer---but unfortunately, that goes with the territory
> 
> Its up to you when you decide to stop----if she is gonna cheat, and she is savvy enuff---your checking isn't gonna get you anything--
> 
> ...




I think you have my pulse here. I enjoy her company... I have no issues enjoying myself with her in bed... But I'm a normal dude. Somedays life is great. Other days I fantasize what life would be for me with another women... With the tools I have now. I want the best life for my daughter... And think that is my overriding cognition, the reason I make my choices. I think my care for my little one is greater than for my wife. That was hard. Sometimed I just want to start over, one more chance at happiness, purity. This is all surreal. It has been that way for a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I looked at your old thread just now. Who was the OM ? How long was she cheating ? How did she treat you during her affair ?


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

...and I feel badly that I've hidden these thoughts from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

For me it eventually stopped, but of course she ended up cheating again for the 4th time and I was way too late to stop it or even try fix it anymore.

I would suggest that you continue MC way past when you think you should. You should honestly be going at least once a month or Once every 2 months years after the affair/incident. Consider it maintenance like you do on a car. I feel if I did with my STBXW it would have been something that came out in counseling. Maybe it would have been something she would have told the counselor alone. Who knows, but it's food for thought.


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> I looked at your old thread just now. Who was the OM ? How long was she cheating ? How did she treat you during her affair ?


The om was from her work, I found out after we moved. During the affair... Indiffrent, contempt, and angry. The eas lasted about a year I think... The pa, three months.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you expose the OM ?

How does she treat you these ? What does she actually do to make up for what she did ?


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Did you expose the OM ?
> 
> How does she treat you these ? What does she actually do to make up for what she did ?


I exposed the OM to himself, he did not respond but I expected as much. Single dude, nothing to really expose him to. She feels bad. She treats me with respect. We are still working out interpersonal stuff. Oddly, she now has boundries for me too. Dont want me shirtless in the yard. Most days she is willing, sometimes she is selfish. I've run her thru her paces. I dont punish her. I've in a way wiped the bowl clean. But I've got my non negotiables, she knows them. I.e. removed ex lovers from fb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrusteratedJoey (Jun 16, 2012)

Wiped the bowl clean... Forgiven the best way I know how... relinquishing claims to retribution... for me in trying to execute God's command.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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