# I want to leave but afraid of changes.



## Stranded17

I will try to make it short and I hope to get a good advice rather than a judgment. I have been married for 17 y to a nice, quiet, loyal, financially supportive but extremely boring person. For the past several years, I feel that we've been living together like roommates. He lives his own life, I live mine. He is very antisocial (no friends) and prefers to stay at home 24/7 by the TV. I am an active person and I like to interact with people, so I am out a lot. He doesn't say anything. 

The word LOVE should not be even mentioned here. We haven't been sexually active for years. All I have for him is respect and a friendship. I do not know what he feels for me. He doesn't talk to me about it and I am not really interested to find out. I know he is not happy that I go out on the weekends and probably suspicious that I am having an affair but he never steps forward to discuss our relationship (not that I want to). On daily bases we act like nothing bad is happening. I cook and clean for him, and we have dinner together, watch movies, talk about politics, work, laugh and so on. My friends say I have a weird marriage. I think so too. 

Thus, my understanding of my marriage is that we live together out of convenience. Now I begin to get interested in different men and thinking about starting a new life on my own but...here it is where I hit a brick wall. I do not know where to start and how to start. I do not believe in marriage counseling ( I am not saving the marriage). With lawyers I only see hungry eyes for $$$. My husband is retired, I am working. We do not have kids and leaving him should not be a problem. I have never lived in this country on my own ( I came from Europe) and I know I am afraid of difficulties that I may encounter financially and emotionally, and I can not overcome that fear. I do not know who can encourage me and convince me that I can do it. I am only 43 and I want to have a normal life. 

Thank you in advance.


----------



## rabbislatkin

I am curious what attracted you to each other in the first place. I imagine there was some excitement there for you to commit to marrying him. I am also curious why you aren’t interested in making the relationship work by going to counseling or working on the marriage. It is as almost as if you feel like he will never change. Yet, the truth is that many couples wind up feeling that they have married complete opposites and when they work on their relationship, both partners are able to stretch and grow so that they can meet each other’s needs and the relationship is enjoyable. While your husband may tend to be a homebody and you may be more outgoing, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed to failure. If you both learn how to ask for what you need and communicate about it, you may be surprised at the exciting changes that could result. 

While you may think that there are better men out there, this doesn’t necessarily mean that you won’t have the same issues with a new husband as you do with your current one. In the romantic stage of relationship we often overlook the faults of our partner. It is only after we commit that we wake up to the reality of our spouse. I am not judging your decision, only suggesting that you become conscious about why he bothers you so much and why you don’t seem interested in making it work. I am saying this because I don’t want you to pay a fortune in lawyer’s fees only to find someone else with the same issues. In every relationship the things that bother us about our spouse are partially about them and mostly about us. 

And yet it’s so much easier to leave, it seems, especially without having kids together. 

The problem is, you may not wind up leaving the pain, because the unconscious agenda of marriage is for growth and healing, “forcing” you to face our own issues that surface when our spouse really pushes our buttons. Since those are our OWN issues, we are all likely to face them in future relationships.

You will likely become attracted to someone who will push your buttons again. Marriage is the “unfinished business” of childhood and brings up old hurts and so we wind up with someone who reminds us of those issues so that we can rectify them. The challenging part is that what we need MOST from our partner is the very thing that is hardest for them to give us. If we get conscious about the issue and learn how to work together, we can achieve growth and healing. So that boring husband of yours may be a vehicle towards your own growth and you may be crucial to his. 

I’d be curious to hear how this resonates for you. I realize you want out and want a normal life, yet that life you desire may actually be with one you’re with.


----------



## Stranded17

Thank you rabbislatkin for your kind response. Well, everything that you have mentioned above has been already reviewed by me multiple and multiple times. I do recognize that the marriage issue I have is coming from me and not from my husband. I have nothing to blame him for. I have been looking for an answer in myself for many years. 

I married to him in the first place b/c I thought I finally found a very nice person and we got along well. However, I had never felt attracted to him physically. I probably thought it would go away and everything would be fine. He is a person of habits and doesn't like big changes. That is why I assume he married kind of late in his life. Eventually, I started feeling that our life became very plain and unexciting. In spite of that, I still tried to bring some changes to our life but I never receive any encouragement from him or emotional support ; even though, he didn't oppose to anything. 

Now I notice that I start feeling almost depressed when I am with him at home. I like to be in a separate room when I am alone in my own world and it's my space that I do not want anyone in. I feel content and happy. I feel I want to be alone. It's becoming my "american dream". I assume it came from him never leaving the apartment. He worked from home all the time, even got exercising equipment at home so he doesn't have to go to gym. At some point he thought about a company that delivered groceries to people's home and many other things. He would do anything to stay in side his shell. I respect things that make people happy and I didn't want to stress his life. However, this same day thing started effecting my personal life and I felt like I wanted to get out. 

So the idea of leaving him does not necessary mean I want to find a new person to start a different life. I agree with you about facing the same issue if not worse with a different man. I believe I can live a happy life with the right person without being married to him if I have to. I think there is an inner me that wants to get out and can't find the right door to open. I think I am missing a lot of things in my life with him b/c the life is frozen. There is nothing to anticipate anymore and he implies that he doesn't want to change anything. He is happy with himself. 

Well, I hope I answered the questions you were curious about, if not I certainly can elaborate more. I am looking for the way of making my life better without hurting his at the same time but I feel that it won't be easy.


----------



## PinkSalmon13

Stranded, I getcha. I was recently reading some posts on another site, and the topic was on this gnawing and ver7y insistent need to feel PASSION for life again. Passion which didn't even have to do with sex....just passion for being alive. It's soul-crushing. My W would probably say that I've become rather boring....but it's because I'm a soul-crushed person (currently) with a lion's desire to rekindle the passion I once had for simply being alive in a pretty cool world. Like I said, I totally get where you're coming from.


----------



## Alpha

If the love has never been there, it won't suddenly appear. 

You know deep down what needs to be done. The only question now is, when?


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> I do not believe in marriage counseling ( I am not saving the marriage).


Well, if you have two people that put 100% effort into it, IT WORKS. It turned me from a boring person to a brand new me. You don't go to marriage counseling just for the relationship. You go so that regardless of what happens you become the best you possible. It is about making sure YOU are whole, and you aren't making this decision based upon blaming someone else for being "boring". My ex wanted out..... because there was no "passion" and she didn't "love" me anymore. Well, the truth of how broken a person she was has come out over time. 



> However, I had never felt attracted to him physically.


This is SO TYPICAL gaslighting behavior. 



> I have nothing to blame him for


Well, you are doing quite a bit of that in your posts. I, agree, he needs a shakeup. No doubt. He needs to MAN UP. 

You need to look him straight in the eye. Tell him that he either gets into individual therapy and marriage therapy or you are out. Right now, you are making the decisions in your mind for the both of you. Place the ball in his court, give him a timeline. That way, he has no one to blame but himself, and you did what you needed to do.

Then, get yourself in individual therapy and find out why you don't like yourself.


----------



## Stranded17

Thank you PinkSalmon for your understanding and support. You got me right.


----------



## Stranded17

Alfa, the questons WHEN and HOW have been driving me crazy. I know I recongnize the issue but why I can't find the answer.


----------



## Stranded17

Dedicated2Her, I can't argue about your comment. However, I don't want to be a woman who changes men's life in the way it's convenient for her. If this life is comfortable for him, let him be. I don't love him or hate him; so, I figured if we go separate ways, we will be happier. I can't say it's wrong the way he lives his life, it's just his way doesn't work for me. Besides, even if he turns into an "exciting" man, I am afraid that my "roommate" feelings for him will still remain.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> I can't argue about your comment. However, I don't want to be a woman who changes men's life in the way it's convenient for her. If this life is comfortable for him, let him be. I don't love him or hate him; so, I figured if we go separate ways, we will be happier. I can't say it's wrong the way he lives his life, it's just his way doesn't work for me. Besides, even if he turns into an "exciting" man, I am afraid that my "roommate" feelings for him will still remain.


You are not only changing his life, but yours. Something inside you is broken. Counseling will help you to be happy, content, and awesome even while in this. Therefore, if you decide to leave, your life will be that much more enriched, but also it gives him an opportunity to experience that too.

You can say what you want, he isn't happy either regardless of what he says. I said the same things.

And, yes, I got divorced. But, so thankful for the therapy.


----------



## Stranded17

Dedicated2Her said:


> You are not only changing his life, but yours. Something inside you is broken. Counseling will help you to be happy, content, and awesome even while in this. Therefore, if you decide to leave, your life will be that much more enriched, but also it gives him an opportunity to experience that too.
> 
> You can say what you want, he isn't happy either regardless of what he says. I said the same things.
> 
> And, yes, I got divorced. But, so thankful for the therapy.


I think I am just tired and extremely bored of the same thing. He needs the same routine every day; otherwise, he feels lost. I am not sure if I need a therapist in this case but you might be right. I thought I pretty much know what I want I just don't know where to start from or how and worried I may do it wrong. My good friend went to counseling when she was leaving her husband and it was a waste of money. Never know counseling people may have even worse family issue than mine and they can't help themselves.


----------



## Lefacade

My advice would be to share with him the thoughts and feelings you shared with us. Let him know where you stand and see what he says. Maybe he feels the same way or maybe this will be a wake up call for him to change if he wants to keep the marriage together. You're not doing either of you any favors by ignoring it. 

I would just add that you make sure you end this marriage before you go on to a new relationship.


----------



## Stranded17

Lefacade said:


> My advice would be to share with him the thoughts and feelings you shared with us. Let him know where you stand and see what he says. Maybe he feels the same way or maybe this will be a wake up call for him to change if he wants to keep the marriage together. You're not doing either of you any favors by ignoring it.
> 
> I would just add that you make sure you end this marriage before you go on to a new relationship.


Lefacade, I don't want to keep the marriage  I have no love feelings for him. I am not sexually attracted at all. So I think I am pretty much done with marriage here. What did you mean to say in the last paragraph? What's the hint?


----------



## SurpriseMyself

Dedicated2Her said:


> You are not only changing his life, but yours. Something inside you is broken. Counseling will help you to be happy, content, and awesome even while in this. Therefore, if you decide to leave, your life will be that much more enriched, but also it gives him an opportunity to experience that too.
> 
> You can say what you want, he isn't happy either regardless of what he says. I said the same things.
> 
> And, yes, I got divorced. But, so thankful for the therapy.


Nothing inside this woman is broken. She lives with a man who never leaves the house and she wants to live! She needs to feel alive outside of the walls of her apartment, but she also doesn't want to revisit that "dead" feeling every night when she returns home.


----------



## Stranded17

ebp123 said:


> Nothing inside this woman is broken. She lives with a man who never leaves the house and she wants to live! She needs to feel alive outside of the walls of her apartment, but she also doesn't want to revisit that "dead" feeling every night when she returns home.



Yes, I think you got it. Thank you.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

ebp123 said:


> Nothing inside this woman is broken. She lives with a man who never leaves the house and she wants to live! She needs to feel alive outside of the walls of her apartment, but she also doesn't want to revisit that "dead" feeling every night when she returns home.


Feelings come and go. Emotions change. That is the nature of being human. When you feel the way she does, there is a reason, and it may be partially to do with her husband.........BUT, in everything relationally, it is 50/50. 

Do you think I don't know about the "dead" feeling? :rofl:

Go ahead. Blame others. Circumstances DO NOT heal the core of someone. It is not the way to peace. Sorry to bear the bad news.

So what happens when she get another feeling she doesn't like? Run from it? Or action herself into the emotion? This is an opportunity. An opportunity to take the next 6 months to do everything you can to become whole, and live without regret. If he follows, he follows. If he doesn't, he doesn't. But, then, it isn't YOUR decision. That is his, and he will live with it FOREVER. 

While, regardless of the result, you will not be repeating your 50% of what has brought your marriage to this point later in life. It is for you, not him.

And for the record, I don't like to visit bad feelings either. BUT, being able to cope with them and sustain yourself to be whole through them is what long term peace and happiness is about.........regardless of circumstances.

However, I do realize this isn't the popular way. People want quick fixes, and the way of least resistance. Unfortunately, there is little long term reward in that.


----------



## Thundarr

Stranded17, Too many people live by fear of the unknown; fear of change; fear of everything. It's makes for a safe and stable yet unfulfilling life. Independence is scary and it's tough but it's also worth it. It seems like you've decided there's more to life that being comfortable and being taken care of. Well you're right IMO. It's sad that your husband is a casualty though.

There's always a risk that you run only to find that nothing changes except that you're bored and alone rather than bored with your husband. That's what makes it scary. Make sure it's unquestionable as to what you want out of life. And then fear be damned; do it.


----------



## wilderness

Stay married. You agreed to a lifelong marriage contract. Honor it.


----------



## Thundarr

wilderness said:


> Stay married. You agreed to a lifelong marriage contract. Honor it.


That's easy to say but there are exceptions. This may or may not be one.


----------



## wilderness

Thundarr said:


> That's easy to say but there are exceptions. This may or may not be one.


I vote not.


----------



## Stranded17

Thundarr said:


> Stranded17, Too many people live by fear of the unknown; fear of change; fear of everything. It's makes for a safe and stable yet unfulfilling life. Independence is scary and it's tough but it's also worth it. It seems like you've decided there's more to life that being comfortable and being taken care of. Well you're right IMO. It's sad that your husband is a casualty though.
> 
> There's always a risk that you run only to find that nothing changes except that you're bored and alone rather than bored with your husband. That's what makes it scary. Make sure it's unquestionable as to what you want out of life. And then fear be damned; do it.



Thank you so much for your support. I guess I just have to prepare myself for what to expect and do it. The thing is most of the people fight over their relationship and it's so easy to leave when you are angry. We don't fight at all and I feel so bad to hurt him. I guess there is no other way around.


----------



## sammy3

Stranded, 

I think it would only be loving of you to sit and talk w him. If the shoe were on the other foot, you'd want him to do the same with you. 

Treat him as you'd want to be treated by him. 

People do fall out of love, and that's ok to admit to, but be true to yourself and to him.

~sammy


----------



## PinkSalmon13

Stranded, just sent you a PM (but not sure the entirety of it made it across as I 'edited' and then could no longer see the multi-paragraph original......???)


----------



## Dedicated2Her

There are two types of thought when it comes to these types of things....whether relationally, professionally, etc. (life in general) One will tell you to change your circumstances and you will be happy........ the other would be to fight through your circumstances and your heart will follow.

Life is 90 pct mental. If you lead your heart out of your marriage, you will leave your marriage. If you lead your heart to be happy regardless of your marriage, you will be happy. That isn't saying it will be immediate. Emotion is always 10 steps behind the action. That could be 14 days.....it could be 14 months. 

So, basically based on what you are writing here, you are a slave to your emotions. Your emotions drive your actions. So, later in life when you meet someone your relationship will start off well because of the "high", and will have major peaks and valleys simply because of your own personal emotional core. 

Most people live this way because the other way requires a hard look at oneself, hard work, teachability, humbleness, and action not derived out of selfish personal desires. 

These moments or times in our lives are moments to grow and learn. Treat others how you want to be treated. Lay it out, give him a chance. Then, it's his call. That is how you would want to be treated.


----------



## wilderness

Stranded17 said:


> Thank you so much for your support. I guess I just have to prepare myself for what to expect and do it. The thing is most of the people fight over their relationship and it's so easy to leave when you are angry. We don't fight at all and I feel so bad to hurt him. I guess there is no other way around.


There is another way around. The other way is to stay married. Why not at least _try_ to make it work? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.


----------



## Keenwa

i am in a very similar situation except with kids which makes it super difficult. I can tell you after 8 months of counselling that had we not had kids i would not still be here. It is a long and arduous road. He is conflict avoidant and so am I which explains the no fighting. That doesnt make for a healthy relationship. 

sounds like you have a communication problem, but I disagree with others who say you should stay and "fight" for the marriage. 

We all marry for one reason or another, if you never loved him to begin with then what on god's earth are you fighting for? 

Sometime paths diverge, you married him for a reason which no longer is important to you. 

i would encourage you to go for individual counselling. I have found it very useful, it will teach you that this life you have chosen to live for so long is a result of your choices and your issues. 

This is something which is hard to see and acknowledge but if you truly want to move forward and have a more fulfilling life it is important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Elc

I understand about being afraid of the changes that come with leaving. I know for myself, if I did not have kids with my husband, I probably wouldn't still be in the relationship. 

Maybe if you look at each fear you have and break them down and figure out what makes them so scary and what you could do realistically to manage the fear you may be able to get some clarity for yourself. I've been doing that a bit and find it very helpful.


----------



## wilderness

You will cause your children horrible pain if you leave your husband. Is it really worth it, just because your husband is a homebody and not the most exciting man in the world? Why do that to your own children?


----------



## Stranded17

Dadicated, I know I am a prisoner of my own emotions. I know what I want from my life and I prob know how to get it I just don't have the strength to do it. I do not want to hurt my husband but I see that he feels the pain of me being physically cold with him. I can not regain that and probably never will and it is not fair to him. I just don't believe I would ever be happy together.


----------



## wilderness

Why not just stop being physically cold with him? Radical idea? I think not.


----------



## Stranded17

wilderness said:


> There is another way around. The other way is to stay married. Why not at least _try_ to make it work? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.


Wild, I may not lose anything but I won't gain anything either. I think it's a torture to stay with a man you don't love. It's a torture for both of us. What do I need to work on? Love is something you can't buy and if it's not there it's not there. He always will know it and it always will be on the back of his mind... and I always will feel guilty. I don't think just about myself in this situation, I think of him too. I know the thing to make it clear is to start to speak up but I am such a chicken. I am afraid I am gonna make it worse.


----------



## wilderness

Stranded17 said:


> Wild, I may not lose anything but I won't gain anything either. I think it's a torture to stay with a man you don't love. It's a torture for both of us. What do I need to work on? Love is something you can't buy and if it's not there it's not there. He always will know it and it always will be on the back of his mind... and I always will feel guilty. I don't think just about myself in this situation, I think of him too. I know the thing to make it clear is to start to speak up but I am such a chicken. I am afraid I am gonna make it worse.


He was good enough to get married to and have children with, he was good enough to stay with for years and years, you admit he is a good man, yet now it's _torture_ being married to him? From where I sit, that sounds like nonsense. Torture is being without shelter and food, being beaten daily, being horribly physically ill, etc....


----------



## Stranded17

Keenwa, you spoke the words of my soul that I could not find myself. I thank you for that. No I do not have a reason to fight for marriage that has no future. I believe like everyone else that we all have rights to be happy.


----------



## Stranded17

Elc said:


> I understand about being afraid of the changes that come with leaving. I know for myself, if I did not have kids with my husband, I probably wouldn't still be in the relationship.
> 
> Maybe if you look at each fear you have and break them down and figure out what makes them so scary and what you could do realistically to manage the fear you may be able to get some clarity for yourself. I've been doing that a bit and find it very helpful.



Sounds good. I will try my best.


----------



## Stranded17

wilderness said:


> You will cause your children horrible pain if you leave your husband. Is it really worth it, just because your husband is a homebody and not the most exciting man in the world? Why do that to your own children?


Wild, I don't have kids. Who do I need to safe my marriage for? I can tell he is not happy with me either but he just does't want to change anything. 

I like how Keenwa said "Sometime paths diverge, you married him for a reason which no longer is important to you. " I think I make him unhappy too.


----------



## Pictureless

Stranded17 said:


> I like how Keenwa said "Sometime paths diverge, you married him for a reason which no longer is important to you. "


Unhappy people shouldn't get married to people they don't love.


----------



## Stranded17

Pictureless said:


> Unhappy people shouldn't get married to people they don't love.



Pictureless, you are divorced yourself. You must've had a reason.


----------



## Openminded

Don't be afraid of change. Remember you had a life before you met him. You'll have one without him.


----------



## Thundarr

Stranded, I hope you and your husband go to MC just to get everything out there and on the table. After seventeen years it seems like you owe that to yourself and to your relationship and to your husband.

Then see where things go from there.


----------



## Pictureless

Stranded17 said:


> Pictureless, you are divorced yourself. You must've had a reason.


Yes, I have a reason. It's called Divorce Corp. Today in our culture people are taught that if they don't like something they can just throw it away. 

It's always the other person's fault. I guess some believe that marriage creates happiness in people and that divorce solves people's problems. It doesn't. 

Unhappy people shouldn't fool themselves or the person they are marrying. Marriage doesn't make you happy, you make yourself happy. Don't blame your spouse for your problems. 

Divorce doesn't solve people's problems, the person has to solve their own problems. Your spouse is not responsible for your problems. 

Unfortunately divorce today is not only accepted but encouraged. Which is why there are so many people with 2 or 3 divorces. They don't fix themselves, they just replace their spouse. If that doesn't work out, who cares, life's too short, right!

Emotions and feelings change. Love lasts forever. Bailing out on marriage because you "feel" unhappy is the song of the selfish user who was never really in the relationship in the first place. 

It's sad we allow marriage to be cheapened so by allowing so much BS "no fault" divorces.


----------



## Stranded17

Pictureless said:


> Yes, I have a reason. It's called Divorce Corp. Today in our culture people are taught that if they don't like something they can just throw it away.
> 
> It's always the other person's fault. I guess some believe that marriage creates happiness in people and that divorce solves people's problems. It doesn't.
> 
> Unhappy people shouldn't fool themselves or the person they are marrying. Marriage doesn't make you happy, you make yourself happy. Don't blame your spouse for your problems.
> 
> Divorce doesn't solve people's problems, the person has to solve their own problems. Your spouse is not responsible for your problems.
> 
> Unfortunately divorce today is not only accepted but encouraged. Which is why there are so many people with 2 or 3 divorces. They don't fix themselves, they just replace their spouse. If that doesn't work out, who cares, life's too short, right!
> 
> Emotions and feelings change. Love lasts forever. Bailing out on marriage because you "feel" unhappy is the song of the selfish user who was never really in the relationship in the first place.
> 
> It's sad we allow marriage to be cheapened so by allowing so much BS "no fault" divorces.


No, I do not blame my husband for who he is. It's me who is bored of him. So I have to find the way I can live happy. Do I need another spouse? No, not at all. I look for a single happy life. I feel like I need my own space where I can creat a world I want to live in. My problem is I do not have confidence to make a change.


----------



## wilderness

Does it make any difference to you at all that you promised your life to your husband? Does commitment mean anything to anyone anymore?


----------



## Pictureless

wilderness said:


> Does it make any difference to you at all that you promised your life to your husband? Does commitment mean anything to anyone anymore?


Not to mean, selfish, and deceptive people who use other people


----------



## Lefacade

Stranded17 said:


> Lefacade, I don't want to keep the marriage  I have no love feelings for him. I am not sexually attracted at all. So I think I am pretty much done with marriage here. What did you mean to say in the last paragraph? What's the hint?


 I was just saying that you should be open with your feelings to him so at least you know you gave him the chance to make changes or at least understand why your taking this road. What I was warning you against was having an affair, while you were still married. If nothing is left then just tell him and start the process. It seems a lot of people that feel like you do, move on with another person before they officially end the marriage. Not saying you would just throwing it out there.


----------



## Hicks

You have to decide what you want to do and do it.

You can't eliminate any of the negatives associated with either decision.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Stranded17 said:


> Dadicated, I know I am a prisoner of my own emotions. I know what I want from my life and I prob know how to get it I just don't have the strength to do it. I do not want to hurt my husband but I see that he feels the pain of me being physically cold with him. I can not regain that and probably never will and it is not fair to him. I just don't believe I would ever be happy together.


I do feel for you. Seriously. I understand. But, your emotions are telling you something that simply isn't true. 

Look, I get it. Don't be my ex. She said the same things. Now she cries when she speaks to me, pure brokenness. Her life is devastation. Learn these things. Learn how not to be a slave to your emotions so that you can TRULY be free!

This is about you. Not about your marriage. Your marriage probably will fail, but you need to find yourself before making the determination that the marriage is done.

If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else.


----------



## wilderness

...or she could simply stop being physically cold with her husband.


----------



## Thundarr

Dedicated2Her said:


> I do feel for you. Seriously. I understand. But, your emotions are telling you something that simply isn't true.
> 
> Look, I get it. Don't be my ex. She said the same things. Now she cries when she speaks to me, pure brokenness. Her life is devastation. Learn these things. Learn how not to be a slave to your emotions so that you can TRULY be free!
> 
> This is about you. Not about your marriage. Your marriage probably will fail, but you need to find yourself before making the determination that the marriage is done.
> 
> If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else.


Dedicated2Her, more comments like yours are needed. Compassionate warnings are needed more than baggage driven condemnation.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Thundarr said:


> Dedicated2Her, more comments like yours are needed. Compassionate warnings are needed more than baggage driven condemnation.


Thanks. I do believe in the goodness of people. Facing yourself is a very hard thing to do. Most people don't. It isn't the easy path, but it is absolutely a path of happiness and peace long term.


----------



## AlmostYoung

Thundarr said:


> Dedicated2Her, more comments like yours are needed. Compassionate warnings are needed more than baggage driven condemnation.


Wilderness and Pictureless, take note.^^^ You cannot guilt someone into being happy with their marriage.

------------

Hi Stranded, I understand how you feel. My W was where you are now. She wanted to bail on our M and find the happiness she was certain she has missed out on in life. 

It's been a struggle for both of us, but two years later she's still here, and does seem to be gradually getting happier. She's been looking inside herself for answers, instead of to me or another man. I hope you will do this too.

Make yourself happy first. _There is no reason you can't do this within your present marriage._ Don't even involve your H yet. Then, If you still want a D, so be it. Doing it this way you are more likely to not have regrets later on.


----------



## Pictureless

AlmostYoung said:


> Wilderness and Pictureless, take note.^^^ You cannot guilt someone into being happy with their marriage.
> 
> ------------
> 
> Hi Stranded, I understand how you feel. My W was where you are now. She wanted to bail on our M and find the happiness she was certain she has missed out on in life.
> 
> It's been a struggle for both of us, but two years later she's still here, and does seem to be gradually getting happier. She's been looking inside herself for answers, instead of to me or another man. I hope you will do this too.
> 
> Make yourself happy first. _There is no reason you can't do this within your present marriage._ Don't even involve your H yet. Then, If you still want a D, so be it. Doing it this way you are more likely to not have regrets later on.


Wow, I didn't know I had such powers over other people, including strangers on an opinion forum


----------



## wilderness

It's not condemnation to hold someone accountable for what they said they would do.


----------



## Zanne

It seems the OP's husband didn't follow through on his promise to love, honor, and cherish. Therefore, he broke their covenant first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilderness

Zanne said:


> It seems the OP's husband didn't follow through on his promise to love, honor, and cherish. Therefore, he broke their covenant first.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where did you get that from? From OP's 1st post:



> I have been married for 17 y to a nice, quiet, loyal, financially supportive...


Nice, quiet, loyal, financially supportive...boy that sounds like someone worth being married to. Wouldn't you agree, Zanne?


----------



## Zanne

What, are we in the 1950's now? Um, no. There is more to marriage than pleasantries and financial stability. Her husband may be content with himself but he failed to support his wife in ways that make a difference to her. Would it kill the guy to take her out to dinner and a show? It sounds like a miserable existence for both of them.

Stranded, since you are both unhappy, give him a chance to talk about his side of things and see if any changes he is willing to make are meaningful. Be prepared to compromise. You can't force yourself to have feelings for him, but maybe if he meets you halfway you will see him in a different light. In the end if you leave, you will respect yourself for standing up for your needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilderness

Zanne said:


> What, are we in the 1950's now? Um, no. There is more to marriage than pleasantries and financial stability. Her husband may be content with himself but he failed to support his wife in ways that make a difference to her. Would it kill the guy to take her out to dinner and a show? It sounds like a miserable existence for both of them.
> 
> Struggling, since you are both unhappy, give him a chance to talk about his side of things and see if any changes he is willing to make are meaningful. Be prepared to compromise. You can't force yourself to have feelings for him, but maybe if he meets you halfway you will see him in a different light. In the end if you leave, you will respect yourself for standing up for your needs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Zanne-

I asked you a direct question that you failed to answer responsively. Please answer how you determined that OPs innocent husband broke that marriage covenant by failing to love, honor, and cherish. Please answer responsively.


----------



## Zanne

Wilderness, I have you blocked so I can only see your posts when I am logged out.

Regarding the OP's husband...do you suppose his love for his wife emanates from the armchair he is sitting in night after night??!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wilderness

Zanne said:


> Wilderness, I have you blocked so I can only see your posts when I am logged out.
> 
> Regarding the OP's husband...do you suppose his love for his wife emanates from the armchair he is sitting in night after night??!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You see, Zanne...you can't even answer a simple and direct question. Have you really reached the point where just because you want to destroy your own children, husband, and family, that you will actively try to get other people to do the same thing?
Is that really the person that you want to be?


----------



## Zanne

Wilderness:

1) I believe that I gave the OP solid advice.

2) Quit thread jacking. Talk to me in my own thread. Oh wait, I'm ignoring you!! :rofl:

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stranded17

Zanne said:


> What, are we in the 1950's now? Um, no. There is more to marriage than pleasantries and financial stability. Her husband may be content with himself but he failed to support his wife in ways that make a difference to her. Would it kill the guy to take her out to dinner and a show? It sounds like a miserable existence for both of them.
> 
> Stranded, since you are both unhappy, give him a chance to talk about his side of things and see if any changes he is willing to make are meaningful. Be prepared to compromise. You can't force yourself to have feelings for him, but maybe if he meets you halfway you will see him in a different light. In the end if you leave, you will respect yourself for standing up for your needs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you very much Zanne.


----------



## Stranded17

Dedicated2Her said:


> I do feel for you. Seriously. I understand. But, your emotions are telling you something that simply isn't true.
> 
> Look, I get it. Don't be my ex. She said the same things. Now she cries when she speaks to me, pure brokenness. Her life is devastation. Learn these things. Learn how not to be a slave to your emotions so that you can TRULY be free!
> 
> This is about you. Not about your marriage. Your marriage probably will fail, but you need to find yourself before making the determination that the marriage is done.
> 
> If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else.


Yes, I know I always sacrifice myself for others b/c I don't like to see people get hurt by me. I feel the guilt when it happens. However, I was told that I should love myself a little more but I guess it's not how I am.


----------



## Thundarr

Stranded17 said:


> Yes, I know I always sacrifice myself for others b/c I don't like to see people get hurt by me. I feel the guilt when it happens. However, I was told that I should love myself a little more but I guess it's not how I am.


You want to make a difference Stranded and you should be proud of that. Please take care if yourself though otherwise you're not really capable of helping others.

This is equivalent to playing chess instead of checkers. Sometimes the end game is more than one move away. And sometimes you have to lose one battle to win a war.


----------



## PinkSalmon13

Thundarr is right. I am cut from the same cloth as you, Stranded, and struggled on doing my 'save the world' thing for a few years....but I am even losing that. I just couldn't sustain it, not having the foundation of happiness, passion, and contentment in my relationship. Now....I do nothing. I 'can't' do anything. I have lost almost all passion for things I once enjoyed. I'm not helping anyone, least of all myself. This will happen.

*The person who risks nothing, 
does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, 
and becomes nothing. 
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, 
but he simply cannot
learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitude, he is a slave; 
he has forfeited his freedom.*
Only the person who risks is truly free.


----------



## Pictureless

PinkSalmon13 said:


> *The person who risks nothing,
> does nothing, has nothing, is nothing,
> and becomes nothing.
> He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
> but he simply cannot
> learn, feel, change, grow or love.
> Chained by his certitude, he is a slave;
> he has forfeited his freedom.*
> Only the person who risks is truly free.


For what purpose? For what meaning?


----------



## Anon Pink

Stranded17 said:


> No, I do not blame my husband for who he is. It's me who is bored of him. So I have to find the way I can live happy. Do I need another spouse? No, not at all. I look for a single happy life. *I feel like I need my own space where I can creat a world I want to live in. My problem is I do not have confidence to make a change.*


I haven't read the whole thread, just wanted to comment on the bolded part.

I have been in an unhappy marriage for a long time and wanted to leave and lacked the confidence to do so. I found myself saying exactly, word for word, the bolded part above.

What I decided to do was make that happiness happen. To engage in life just as I would, or as close to as I could, if I had become single. I wasn't fully successful, but I got close enough.

My point is, you don't need to leave your marriage in order to enjoy your life. You simply need boundaries, to give yourself permission to go places and do things FOR YOURSELF! If you think that will come easier to you being single, it won't. If you have weak boundaries now, you will still have to develop them once single.

Start working on yourself now, the rest will fall into place.

I am still married and we are working our way back. This may happen for you or it may not. But without boundaries and expectations, it doesn't matter where you are or who you live with, you will become a doormat once again!


----------



## Zanne

Anon Pink said:


> I haven't read the whole thread, just wanted to comment on the bolded part.
> 
> I have been in an unhappy marriage for a long time and wanted to leave and lacked the confidence to do so. I found myself saying exactly, word for word, the bolded part above.
> 
> What I decided to do was make that happiness happen. To engage in life just as I would, or as close to as I could, if I had become single. I wasn't fully successful, but I got close enough.
> 
> My point is, you don't need to leave your marriage in order to enjoy your life. You simply need boundaries, to give yourself permission to go places and do things FOR YOURSELF! If you think that will come easier to you being single, it won't. If you have weak boundaries now, you will still have to develop them once single.
> 
> Start working on yourself now, the rest will fall into place.
> 
> I am still married and we are working our way back. This may happen for you or it may not. But without boundaries and expectations, it doesn't matter where you are or who you live with, you will become a doormat once again!


Anon, this is great advice. I do wonder, however, what is a person supposed to do about intimacy and sex? The OP has stated that she is not attracted to her husband; something I can relate to. What then? I would hope she has strong boundaries.


----------



## Stranded17

Anon Pink said:


> My point is, you don't need to leave your marriage in order to enjoy your life. You simply need boundaries, to give yourself permission to go places and do things FOR YOURSELF! If you think that will come easier to you being single, it won't. If you have weak boundaries now, you will still have to develop them once single.


Yes, I can do things for myself as if I were single but I am still limited to what I can do. Married people have obligations for each other and I can not simply ignore them. For instance, if I am with my girl friends and we have a good time on a weekend, sometimes I want to stay over night at their house, wake up in the morning then we go for breakfast together and go shopping after or to the beach. As a married woman, I have to report to my husband like a teenager reports to her parents where I am, who I am with, what I am doing, when I am gonna be home. It drives me insane. I have seen men who want to live like they are single while still being married. I feel similar. Then why stay married if you want a single life, right?

I do understand that things will not get easier if I become single. That's what scares me.


----------



## highwood

Anon Pink said:


> I haven't read the whole thread, just wanted to comment on the bolded part.
> 
> I have been in an unhappy marriage for a long time and wanted to leave and lacked the confidence to do so. I found myself saying exactly, word for word, the bolded part above.
> 
> What I decided to do was make that happiness happen. To engage in life just as I would, or as close to as I could, if I had become single. I wasn't fully successful, but I got close enough.
> 
> My point is, you don't need to leave your marriage in order to enjoy your life. You simply need boundaries, to give yourself permission to go places and do things FOR YOURSELF! If you think that will come easier to you being single, it won't. If you have weak boundaries now, you will still have to develop them once single.
> 
> Start working on yourself now, the rest will fall into place.
> 
> I am still married and we are working our way back. This may happen for you or it may not. But without boundaries and expectations, it doesn't matter where you are or who you live with, you will become a doormat once again!


Great post...it resonates with me. I too am struggling with the OP's dilemma as well.

I like your comment about start working on yourself now...I think that is why I have not been happy..I want to work on myself in a couple of areas but have been lazy about do so. To me if I find that when I am unhappy about myself I tend to take that out on others in anger.

I often think well if I was single I would do this and do that...who knows maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't....but no reason why I can't do some of those things while married.


----------



## Anon Pink

I think we can all relate to losing attraction to our husbands. Myself included. He needs to lose weight, big time! 

However, part of single life is making a life FOR YOURSELF, not making room for a new husband. See the difference? If you were to divorce, it would still be advisable to NOT get involved with another man for a while, not until you've healed from the break up and not until you've learned from your mistakes, otherwise...you'll just make them again only in a different way.

So other than falling in love, or getting laid, start your single life now!

In terms of going and doing....well that's something you have to work out with your H. Common decency means you check in with people when they're likely to worry about your safety. But, sending a text saying you won't be home till Sunday is very different from saying, can I go here....?

Make sense?

The reason why I think it's important for women to do this before they leave the marriage is because we all, men and women, suffer from grass is greener fantasy. We all do it's natural. It's impossible to tell how likely you will be to find new love. But it is possible to predict that making the same mistakes again will get you into the same situation again. 

Learn boundaries, learn to make your happiness and then if you want to leave, you will know what to do with that freedom.


----------



## indiecat

I have a friend who left such a marriage, she went on to date several men, have some wonderful adventures and eventually met a good man to settle down with that shares her love of the outdoors. Her first husband met someone quiet and more compatible with his need so both ended up happy in the long run.


----------



## Thundarr

Anon Pink said:


> I think we can all relate to losing attraction to our husbands.


whaaaaaaaaaaat. ouch.


----------



## Anon Pink

Except thundarr...he is SOOO hoooott!


----------



## Stranded17

indiecat said:


> I have a friend who left such a marriage, she went on to date several men, have some wonderful adventures and eventually met a good man to settle down with that shares her love of the outdoors. Her first husband met someone quiet and more compatible with his need so both ended up happy in the long run.



I believe it can definitely happen.


----------



## Dedicated2Her

> Learn boundaries, learn to make your happiness and then if you want to leave, you will know what to do with that freedom.


Exactly. When I started my journey, my goal was to save my marriage. When it was totally obvious the marriage was over, I was then perfectly happy.


----------



## highwood

Stranded...how are you doing? YOu have not posted in a while so just thought I would check.


----------

