# any thoughts on 'rebound' relationships?



## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Hi everyone, it's been a few weeks since I last posted, I thought I would update and also I need some advice please!.....

Briefly, H left me 8 weeks ago saying the marriage wasn't working, wanting to 'clear his head' alone, think things over etc, he maintained there is no OW, although I suspected there could well be (he was unfaithful in the past and there were some suspicious signs again), I begged him to stay and try to make it work but to no avail and we are separated now 8 weeks. No kids. 

We have only had some phone contact - maybe once or twice per week and its mainly been about practical stuff - like bank accounts. We haven't really revisited the reasons for the separation - I think I have heard his reasons and on a couple of occasions when we touched on the problems, he went into the mode of total blame on me and listing the things he doesn't like about me, it was too upsetting for me and also unhelpful. I have gathered that he is pretty much 'living his life' although I also know that he has been in lots of pain too.....

Now I have had some time to think, I am still not sure what I want.....on one hand, I 'believe' in my marriage vows and I do love and miss him very badly, on the other hand, my heart has a little voice telling me that the damage and pain is just too great to repair....I just feel so sad that in my heart I can't see how we could ever be what we were........

I'm finding it very hard to get over this massive loss - I was with him since aged 18 years and I'm now 30 (6 years were married) and I'm wondering could having a fling with another man help me? I'm not talking about a deep relationship - I know i'm totally not emotionally ready for that - but I wondered if dating in a superficial / physical way could help me get over this? 

I really miss having a man telling me good stuff about myself like i'm attractive, sexy etc.....should point out that my H really distanced himself both emotionally and physically from me for the past at least 2 years so I feel like I've missed this for a long time..........On one side, I'm aware that i'm very fragile and I don't want to put myself in a situation where I could end up hurting myself more, on the other hand, I want to feel like a woman again / male attention.....

I'm not sure what to do....does a sort of 'rebound' relationship help me move on and feel better about myself, or could I just be setting myself up for a potential disaster? Also am I being unrealistic with the time frame - its only been 8 weeks, not sure if i'm 'ready' but i feel maybe I should be....or do I just feel I should be ready 'cos it seems that my H is getting on ok??.....so confusing!!! Any advice or comments really gratefully received........

thank you and good luck to everyone else who is having a difficult time too...(sorry - a longer post than I intended!)


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Until you decide what you want toward your marriage, any othe relationship will just cloud up that issue...we all want to feel loved again, but I believe 2 months is too soon to jump forward, certainly when you say that you believe in your vows...

Learn to love yourself first, build self confidence...

That said, I certainly wouldn't sit at home and do nothing, go out with friends and enjoy life!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Although this is horrible to hear, please be ready to prepare yourself that your H is likely with someone else and that was the reason for his decision to separate. All the classic lines were handed to you -love you, but not in love with you; need my space; etc., etc. 

Regardless of what is really going on, if you truly don't want to work at it anymore and you feel like it's just too much for you to handle, I would end this marriage before you start something new. I completely understand what you are saying - I miss being told that I'm pretty or that I'm sexy and I miss the physical contact of a simple hug or kiss on the cheek before I leave for work in the morning, in addition to all the other contact that happens when the kids are in bed. But, I feel like if you jump into something new, it has some strong potential to hurt you in the end. 

You've been with your H for many years now, ever since you were a kid. If you never dated anyone else, it's going to be a whole new ball game. What happens if you find someone that you think will be a fling, but you end up falling for him and he ends up leaving you? That would be a double whammy to your self-esteem. I say work on yourself, learn to be alone for a while and really learn what it is that you want from a man so that the next time you will be on the lookout for those important qualities. I know dating is just dating and going out for drinks or the movies is no big deal, but it's a touchy situation because it could very well turn into more and that would complicate your plan to be a casual dater more than I think you want to know. Your emotions are all over the place and they are very raw right now. Good friends and family are what you need now so that you can turn to them for comfort and some fun. Actively going out to look for a new guy to replace your H and try forget about the hurt is not a good idea and likely will not work.


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## hmm (Aug 23, 2010)

I'm in the same thought as you but I know for a fact my h is with someone else. I was with him since I was 16 and am now 36 we have two children. He's been gone literally since nov 3 but he left in his heart probably in may. The loneliness is very difficult I have been reconnecting with some girlfriends and going out once in awhile I haven't to the point been brave or ready enough to accept anything but flattery especially since I know I'm so unemotionally available and hurt. But the thought crosses my mind if I went on a date or had a fling could I heal faster. I know the answer is probably not buti think it anyways
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

Hi, i know your going through a tough time and just want you to know we are all here for you.....My wife felt alone and wanted attention because i distanced myself like your husband did...
she kicked me out and a month later was with another guy because she wanted to feel that "male attention" and be loved...it took me 3 months to break down, beg, plead, do everything i could to want her back....
and then finally start getting over her....you know what happend in the same week i started getting over her and thought i could move on? 
she broke down to me and said she still loves me and wants me and hates what she has done with this other man....and blames herself, feels guilty and thinks she has royally screwed up.....
im not saying your husband would be like this if hes with another woman.....im not saying that this will happen to you...
what im trying to say is if ive learnt anything from rebound relationships....they only make things so much worse...you need time for YOURSELF for a little while...build confidence in urself, be happy with yourself...dont even think about ur hubby or another man, because if you move on too quickly, you will get hurt more than ever...
YOU will know when the time is right to start dating again...it will just be a feeling you know is right....wether that be with your STBX or with someone else, is upto life....


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you DjF, blownaway, hmm and gilgamesh for your advice.....i'm so glad to have the forum and the encouragement, I really appreciate the replies....I can see they are really thoughtful and kind......

I'm going to take on board what you are all saying.....I think it confirms really knew in my heart - a 'rebound' only has the potential to confuse things further and could end up in more tears - you are all right when I think about it properly - i'm just too all over the place to go there

plus another thought I had - I truly wanted to make my marriage work at all costs (possibly even to a fault 'cos in the end, i felt he treated me like a nobody) - you are all right.....I need to stay true to myself here - it doesn't seem right to throw myself at somebody else just to try and feel better, it seems too empty.....i don't even know if i'm capable of a fling, knowing myself, I probably might get way too involved - like you say blownaway - I was with my H since being a teen so I don't even have any proper experience of other men........even just being with another man physically would be a big deal for me.... 

I will try and do the things about 'working on myself' and being in contact with 'real' friends and family.....I will try to be patient in letting the pain fade away......

also does anyone have advice or opinion on whether typically men or women get over these experiences faster? I seem to have got the impression that men can move on faster....Or is that just my experience and way too simplistic?.....does it more depend on the circumstances and who's leaving who maybe? 

thank you for replies! good luck to everyone too.....


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Maybe it's just me but I don't think men move on faster, we are just better at hiding our emotions...well, at least I used to be...

I want so much to hear my wife tell me she loves me again, I'm a puppy dog following her around when she stops by, I'm scarred about how much power that gives her...oh wekk, it is what it is!

Marigold, you sound like a caring, giving person...I'm sure when the time is right, men (hopefully the MAN) will be lined up to tell you how sexy and attractive you are...it will happen, be patient!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you so much DjF for your encouragement.....it is so great to hear something positive.....when you go through an experience like this, you hear so many negative things about yourself from the person who you thought loved you most and you can feel very worthless and rejected.....I'm sure that you understand that feeling only too well.....thank you for being encouraging.....I think that's what we all need right now.....

also yes, I agree with what you say...perhaps men in general might be better at 'hiding' what they feel and pushing on, but it doesn't mean that they aren't hurting.....I had to take quite a bit of time off work, my H just seemed to carry on as 'normal' (working, going out etc).....but perhaps some of it was just a way of blocking out the pain by keeping busy......


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I keep busy by cleaning the house...working out, whatever I can do to relieve stress...I've missed work some too, but I've taught at the same school for 20 years, they are my family and read me too well...they tell me to go home...

also, remember that a lot of the negativity you hear from your beloved spouse it just spoken to create a barrier from the pain they know they are causing...they have to justify why they are doing what they are doing...

You know who you are, you know your strengths and weaknesses, pay no heed to the evil words, place stock in yourself...sexy!!!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

thank you DjF, that has made me smile


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

I will second the statement djf made, I am a man who is feeling all the hurt etc.. but I put on a brave/ i'm o.k face. If I am feeling down and can't mask my emotions, I will seclude myself until I can regain my composure. It is just the way most males are raised I guess. I suppose it will ease up over time and we can move on and form some new relationships without having to hide our "baggage"
take care,


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Man rule #31...stand in front of mirror for 5 minutes practicing looking stoic...


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## geo (Oct 29, 2010)

rule #31,
and my 2 sons have their game-face, amazing how traits are passed on without any effort on my part, guess it is monkey see monkey do..
Just had another thought in regards to marigolds original question. from my point, I am too lonely for any rebound. I would likely try to replace the hole in my heart too quickly. now with that in mind, I've found some enjoyment in the world of being a little flirtatious while out. It gives you that good boost to your confidence/esteem without getting involved.


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

Thank you DjF and Geo for the insightful comments you've posted....I certainly hadn't thought before that perhaps men were more practiced in general at putting on a 'brave face' and hiding the emotions....I'm not good at that myself and have ended up in tears in many situations since my husband left (in front of work senior work colleagues -  in street, bus etc etc).....

Have also realized that trying to find another man now would be a disaster....Geo is right - it's just about trying to mend a massive hole inside yourself, and I don't think right now someone else can do that for me.....

I'm reading a book at the moment (not about relationships, just a good novel...there is a man who loses his wife suddenly and it says about the man: 

'he feels he is in the torture chamber, but he knows that one day he will find the door out, because it is he who has the key'

I just thought I would share that because I took it to mean that one day, you will feel ok again and it's in your hands to feel happy again


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your husband has left. His love is gone. He lost his sexual interests in you long time ago and you already knew it, right? 

He dare to put all the faults on you and left you just like that no matter how hard you begged him to stay... (I assumed you're not that bad & terrible to get along with that any man would just run away from otherwise he wouldn't be with you for so many years.) Did you bite him? Did you abuse him?

Your husband refused to give you love, passion, attention and the intimacy you need. He refused to take his responsibilities and unwilling to make effort in marriage. He's disqualified to be a husband. No matter how painful he is. 

Yes, you should experience more men so you understand you wasted too much time loving an ignorant man. 

There's no point for you to continue to beg him.

Your marriage is like a well that is drying out without any rain.

You don't have kids and you're still young. 

Why would you make yourself suffer from all this pain and loneliness? 

Sometimes, it's your choice. When it's the end of movie, you have to leave that theather, no matter how much you loved that movie, you can't wait in the darkness forever.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

If you still want to save your marriage, you & your husband will need to go to therapy or MC.

The problem is your husband's heart isn't in this marriage anymore.


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