# New love and relationship after 40?



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just wondering if my seperation does lead to divorce what are the chances of me finding love again?
I'm 41 and been told I'm attractive, I have 3 kids (2 of them are teens). I work full time and am independent. 
Do you think someone will want me?
Anyone else found love after 40?
Dont mean this post to sound desperate. I'm not desperate to move on yet but was just curious?
Thx all
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i dont know about anyone else, but i dont see anything from your description that is a deal breaker for me.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Lol! Thanks that made me laugh! I'm not hiding a 3rd eye or anything!
You know my confidence has had a knock and you just wonder 'who the hell wld want me now?' but I suppose that's just natural.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I got married at 41...I have 3 kids, 2 in their 20's and one 7 year old. It certainly wasn't an issue for my husband! I'd say you have excellent chances!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Ooh thanks Candiegirl,
I saw a thread a few days back, someone sprouting that if you hook up with a woman with kids that you are more or less settling for second best and letting yourself in for a whole heap of trouble. Just got me thinking I guess!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

HI DG Whats your number ?? JK I am happily married, You shouldnt have any issues at all. Just be yourself


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Men who don't want women with kids tend to steer clear of women who have kids...in my experience, at least! If one happens to come your way and he displays negativity because of the fact that you have kids, then flush him right away.

Just beware of men who only want sex and nothing more. I got tired of that whole routine, and their "You're not a virgin" attitude, as though just because I was over 35 meant I was desperate for a man in my bed. Don't ever settle!

I got so tired of hearing "I'm not really looking for anything serious" and "I don't want a girlfriend" or "I'm not looking to settle down with one person"...there was one dude that I told "Gee, and here's me with my wedding dress in the trunk...". Then I left.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sounds like you and I have similar attitudes CanfieGirl! 
My mum remarried at 43 and had been happily married for 25 years now. I suppose I have a good example right on my doorstep!
I find my self day dreaming some days of a new life with a nice man and our kids and one big happy family!
I've just got to sort out this life first!!! Lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I'm 48 and haven't had any concerns. 
I have three kids, two are grade school, one's in college. 

If you like yourself then there's no reason why someone else would have trouble doing the same. 

I think you should be open-minded though about future relationships...what I mean is that it's easy to get ahead of yourself thinking about the kids, arrangements, housing, work, etc. 
I'm not saying it's not important to think about those things, but be sure not to look at them as obstacles. Someone who really cares about you and loves you will be willing to meet you halfway to make your together time worthwhile. Someone who is too desperate to do so, that's a red flag...someone not willing enough - probably just wants sex with no strings or very little strings. In the middle is someone who is a friend. Who respects your values, and your parenting, and won't invade private parts of your life too quickly, or at all, without invitation.

Just take care of yourself and you will be fine.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Ooh thanks Candiegirl,
> I saw a thread a few days back, someone sprouting that if you hook up with a woman with kids that you are more or less settling for second best and letting yourself in for a whole heap of trouble. Just got me thinking I guess!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We know that's not true. 
I mean, come on, the guys who say that have mothers.
They have no idea that they're insulting their mother.
And if their moms are less value, the kids they raised can't be all that bright either.
That logic just circles around and bites its own tail.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Daisy,
I feel the same concerns right now, my separation is leading to a divorce. I have an 8 year old son, 5 year old daughter, going to be moving in with my best friend who also has two kids.

I'm 34 years old, going to be 35 in June. My confidence sure has taken a hit as well, especially since my wife lost all this weight, she looks at herself as hot, and ditched me. Made me think I wasn't worth enough to her.

I have the same thoughts, who will want me with kids. But you know what, from how you describe yourself you will have no problems. 

I realize that once I get my confidence back, realize that it's her loss (and in your case, HIS loss) it's okay. We will be fine.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Just wondering if my seperation does lead to divorce what are the chances of me finding love again?
> I'm 41 and been told I'm attractive, I have 3 kids (2 of them are teens). I work full time and am independent.
> Do you think someone will want me?
> Anyone else found love after 40?
> ...


daisygirl,

There is absolutely nothing intrinsically wrong with you or your situation. I don't know you, but if you really truly sincerely want to be married and you are willing to accept your potential new husband having the same number of kids as you, I could get you a date with a like minded guy this evening.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thanks all. You've really lifted my spirits today.
My H and I have been seperated now for 2 months after 18 years of marriage. It breaks my heart and I still don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that I can't just be his 'friend' indefinitely and I'm not going to wait forever for him to decide if he loves me or not. I want to be loved like a wife should be, like he used to before that damned EA that has destroyed my marriage.

I am starting to think about a future without him and it makes me sad but I am not going to be unhappy for ever. I have a lot of love to give and I don't intend to spend my future alone or with a H who just wants to be my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Daisy,
You've helped to lift my spirits today with your last post. I'm stupidly pining right now for my soon to be ex wife who doesn't want me in her life anymore; I have to realize that this is going to be more her loss, than mine.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Proud - its not stupid, it's called love and when it's good, it's the best feeling in the world, but for us right now it's torture. It does get better. When I think back even 3 months ago when I couldnt leave the house because of my crippling anxiety, to today, when I have just done my first whole weeks work since Oct! I am healing and I am not going to rely on him to make me happy anymore. 
Feel what you are feeling don't supress it and every now and again the pain becomes less and the tears don't last so long.
One day, they will be sorry for their loss and we will have moved on
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Daisy,
I hope I can believe you, but the way she is acting right now it seems as if I didn't even exist, the memories we made were nothing, and that she will never be sorry for what she has done


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I have a dear friend on her 3rd marriage at age 49... she seems very happy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Just wondering if my seperation does lead to divorce what are the chances of me finding love again?
> I'm 41 and been told I'm attractive, I have 3 kids (2 of them are teens). I work full time and am independent.
> Do you think someone will want me?
> Anyone else found love after 40?
> Dont mean this post to sound desperate. I'm not desperate to move on yet but was just curious?


I can tell by the way you write you are a lovely woman.

I on the other hand am 43 and look like Shreck's white brother. 

After my STBXW and I finalyze our D, I'm afraid its the bachelor life 'till I die.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I can tell by the way you write you are a lovely woman.
> 
> I on the other hand am 43 and look like Shreck's white brother.
> 
> After my STBXW and I finalyze our D, I'm afraid its the bachelor life 'till I die.


Even Shrek found a lovely lady Bandit! Don't be so sure that there isn't someone out there for you too!
Thankyou for your kind words!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I can tell by the way you write you are a lovely woman.
> 
> I on the other hand am 43 and look like Shreck's white brother.
> 
> After my STBXW and I finalyze our D, I'm afraid its the bachelor life 'till I die.


I wouldn't be so pessimistic. The 'balance of power' in terms of mating has shifted greatly in your favor since you were 21. That, and from everything I've read of yours, you got a lot more going for you that your self-depreciating comments would imply... unless of course a batchelor's life is what you want.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> wouldn't be so pessimistic. The 'balance of power' in terms of mating has shifted greatly in your favor since you were 21. That, and from everything I've read of yours, you got a lot more going for you that your self-depreciating comments would imply... unless of course a batchelor's life is what you want.


Ha, ha. Thanks. 

Its going to be a long, long time before I dip my toes back in the dating pool. I want to spend the next few years learning how to be by myself, live for myself and think for myself. I've spent too many years sacrificing for a woman; and in this case, a woman who I do not believe ever truly loved me for who I was.

No. I've got too many things to see and do and experience. I'm actually looking forward to being by myself for few years.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Good for you Bandit. Keep us posted on your adventures! X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Ha, ha. Thanks.
> 
> Its going to be a long, long time before I dip my toes back in the dating pool. I want to spend the next few years learning how to be by myself, live for myself and think for myself. I've spent too many years sacrificing for a woman; and in this case, a woman who I do not believe ever truly loved me for who I was.
> 
> No. I've got to many things to see and do and experience. I'm actually looking forward to being by myself for few years.


A Good idea actually. Before my divorce was final, I made a promise to myself.. that I wouldn't get into a 'serious' relationship until at least X amount of time had past, and that I wouldn't remarry until Y number of years had past since my divorce. 

I did that for reasons similar to yours. I did get a head start on things by being separated (living in a different city, on my own) for job reasons (though I saw the likely end coming as she had just played the 'open marriage' card 2 months prior to losing my local job, and suspected there was much more going on) for almost 2 years before the divorce was final. It was amazing how much growth I was able to do without my ex- around to abuse me and tear me down daily.

When I met the girl who am I now with, I informed her early on about my self-imposed limits, and that they were non-negotiable, and they have been respected.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Good for you Bandit. Keep us posted on your adventures! X


Thanks DaisyGirl41.

Your time to live free and breathe the clean air is coming. You're in a dark valley right now, and you have a mountain to climb, but once you get to the top.... a new sunrise.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

A


> Good idea actually. Before my divorce was final, I made a promise to myself.. that I wouldn't get into a 'serious' relationship until at least X amount of time had past, and that I wouldn't remarry until Y number of years had past since my divorce. I did that for reasons similar to yours. I did get a head start on things by being separated (living in a different city, on my own) for job reasons (though I saw the likely end coming as she had just played the 'open marriage' card 2 months prior to losing my local job, and suspected there was much more going on) for almost 2 years before the divorce was final. It was amazing how much growth I was able to do without my ex- around to abuse me and tear me down daily.
> 
> When I met the girl who am I now with, I informed her early on about my self-imposed limits, and that they were non-negotiable, and they have been respected.


I'm glad you met someone bro. Good for you!

You know what, I'm going to start a new thread... 

I'll call it "The Bucket List for the Newly or Soon to be Divorced"......


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Just wondering if my seperation does lead to divorce what are the chances of me finding love again?
> I'm 41 and been told I'm attractive, I have 3 kids (2 of them are teens). I work full time and am independent.
> Do you think someone will want me?
> Anyone else found love after 40?
> ...


daisygirl,
I don't have a crystal ball, and can't tell you with any certainty what the future holds.

That said.... A lot of women your age who are newly single do go on to find relationships, often marriage and many times version 2.0 turns out way better than the first go around.

And a lot of women don't find what they want, and are disappointed, either feeling they "settled" or winding up alone.

What's the difference between which group you'll end up in? basically it's all comes down to you. You can set yourself up for success, or failure (and not even realize it).

You're just coming out of a almost 20 year marriage where he cheated on you, right?

The next big chapter of your life is going take some time to get set up, and you haven't quite finished out the current chapter and epilog yet.

I think at this time, you need to just tell yourself that there is no blocking issue that is going to make your future a lonely one. And then tell yourself to take some time to get yourself in order first. If you're not in good shape and mentally healthy, and have your world together, it's going to be way harder to find and keep good partners who do.

There's an old saying about men and divorce: A Man is no good for the year before and after his divorce. By no good, it means there just a bunch of personal cr*p to process and some things just take time to heal. And time will pass and and life moves on, and you will get to the point to where the chapters separate.

I think that applies to women as much as it does to men.

As a man in his mid-40's I can tell you that when it comes to dating and mating, things have changed since you were last single, both due to the era and your own age. If you want, I could start by giving you my take on the changes, challenges, and ways to go about making yourself desired by best men out there, but I think that's jumping the gun.... 

First, you need to get clear of the wreckage of your marriage that your hubby threw away for a piece of strange. You need to figure out more about who you are going to be, and how your world is going to work - with your ex, your kids, and everyone else.

Be patient. I can guarantee you that it is possible for you to find love and companionship and a relationship that fulfills each others needs. Find strength in knowing that's possible, and keep taking baby steps forward each and every day to take care the more immediate things. 

-A


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I divorced my ex when I was 46. Dated a few guys after that.

Then I remarried at 50. 

I made a bad choice in who I married but, he was not the only choice I had.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> A
> I'm glad you met someone bro. Good for you!
> 
> You know what, I'm going to start a new thread...
> ...


That sounds like a great idea.  

Let me tell you -- nothing makes the cheating ex- madder than hearing how you are doing well and enjoying life without her.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thankyou Anubis. That was a very thoughtful post. You are right. My journey here is far from finished yet and I need to heal and reavaluate the last 18 years. As I said I am no hurry to start a new relationship, this one hadn't even finished yet but I am looking at a future that at the moment is unpredictable and scary and it's new to me. Never thought for one minute I wld be facing it, but you know what, whatever happens, I am beginning to realise that yes, I will be ok! 
Thanks again
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

You'll be fine----just don't rush it! And Bandit---with your confidence and attitude you are going to need to fight off the ladies.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My feeling is , so long as there are other Hopeless Romantics out there in this world, and with the wide world web, your chances of finding love again....is better today than anytime in history. Sooo many people seem to get married that were never compatibly matched and just endure for yrs on end.... then it all falls apart in Mid life.....some give up completley on love, and others are those hopeless romantics -you couldn't beat it out of them... something drives them to take the risk and find love all over again. 

Just be aware of the baggage, many men , after being burned never want to marry again, no commitment, no financial burdens allowed. 

I'd say your prospects are pretty good.. now a friend of mine, I found her on a C-section forum 10 yrs ago -and how crazy it was, she lived 30 miles from my house... back then she only had 7 kids -today she has 14 ! (Don't ask!) She is single and available . 

OH my! She will have a very difficult mountain of a time . You dear poster = easy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> I got so tired of hearing "I'm not really looking for anything serious" and "I don't want a girlfriend" or "I'm not looking to settle down with one person"...


My husband told me all of these after our first date.

He had just broken up with his ex-ho about 6 months earlier.

My response? "What makes you think I want a relationship? Why can't we just hang out and have good sex? I'm a grown woman. I don't play games."

He started chasing at that point...cause I acted like I didn't care :rofl:


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